So ya'll,
A GF on here thought I should start a thread about my transition experiences so far. I have read many others' tales and the idea kinda appeals to me so here it goes I guess. I suppose I should start at the beginning...
In the beginning 41 years ago...ok, thats not where I want to start. We'll start at puberty which is where I first started wanting to become a woman. Of course as a 13 year old who doesn't even know what a sex change is this is just really confusing. The result of these desires led to a bizarre arrangement with my subconscious mind wherein I could fantasize about being a woman within a very limited context for brief moments every day and then the rest of the time quite literally forget about it. So, by the time I was 20 my brain was this Kafkaesque labrynthine maze intended to protect myself from the cruelties of an un-accepting world.
By the time I was in my thirties, the maze was crumbling. The walls were still there but there were cracks and I could consciously long to be female. Of course, it would never work I would tell myself. I could never transition, I am too fat, tall, broad, scared whatever. If I couldn't be a *real* woman through some miracle (and oh how I have wished and prayed) I would just have to muddle through life as a guy.
Where the journey really begins is 41 on Jan. 4th 2018. The longing has become oppressive and the weight and effort of maintaining the maze is too much. I have the not so stunning revelation that <booming echoing voice>I AM TRANSGENDER</booming echoing voice> and I said as much out loud for the first time.
And so I began:
Started working on voice right away
I met with therapist a few days later
started stealth feminization (toenails and panties)
started buying women's clothes to wear at home
shaved body hair
shaved beard (you would think that would have happened sooner, but it only happened when it didn't complement the clothes LOL)
started buying and playing with makeup
went to therapist as me
started going out in public (very limited basis, mostly so I can try on stuff when I go shopping)
got my ears pierced
All of the above has felt right so what is next? I am working on feeling and being more feminine and getting used to new pronouns. So far that is mostly in the forums and therapist/support groups. The thing is, when it is organic and unscripted, it makes me feel really good when someone calls me girl or lady or GF. I am also trying to work on more feminine body language.
There is so much to do and so much to know and it is all so awesome, BUT there is also the spectre of doubt...you know what I mean:
am I really trans?
am I doing the right thing?
I will never pass
I will never be beautiful
Sometimes just the lack of feeling good about myself in a blah sort of malaise
I think these are all constructs of the maze that I am just having a hard time jettisoning. When doubt shows up, I just hold the course and keep moving forward and eventually the feelings subside. The doubt never makes me not want to move forward even as I feel and experience it.
ANYWAY, not sure what else I can do before starting hrt to help Julie to the forefront but I will write here about it as I figure it out.
Geez that was really long! Anyway, I hope I can be as entertaining and insightful as so many of the other amazing ladies here. You have all helped me so much in such a short period of time.
Hugz
Julie
Had an interesting experience the other day when I was out as Julie and needed to go into a gas station to get something and there were these two unsavory characters just sorta hanging out inside. They were the type who definitely looked like they would hassle someone dressed like I was. I know that as a trans woman I am more likely to be physically assaulted and I just didn't want to deal with the situation. I wound up going back to my vehicle and waiting for them to leave.
Anyone else have situations that they just didn't want to deal with?
Julie
Julie I'm so glad you made this page. I haven't been out in public yet as Chelsea. I am scared to death but I will have to get over it. What did you do to get over the butterflies?
Hugs,
Chelsea
Quote from: JulieAllana on February 22, 2018, 09:18:29 PM
Had an interesting experience the other day when I was out as Julie and needed to go into a gas station to get something and there were these two unsavory characters just sorta hanging out inside. They were the type who definitely looked like they would hassle someone dressed like I was. I know that as a trans woman I am more likely to be physically assaulted and I just didn't want to deal with the situation. I wound up going back to my vehicle and waiting for them to leave.
Anyone else have situations that they just didn't want to deal with?
Julie
I haven't had that happen, but if your gut feeling gave you warning. It's worthy to heed it. Try not to judge or expect that to be your typical experience though. Most people don't care.
Julie!!!
Breath deep, smile and repeat after me, little sister... "All will be well... 😀!!!
This is your life to make into whatever you choose... The little doubts that whisper in your ear are perfectly normal when contemplating changes of the magnitude of transition... Transition touches every part of our life to one degree or another... You have dipped your toe in the water and liked the way it felt... You waded in a bit deeper and that felt good to... You know the further you wade in... the higher the water becomes... Your senses are whispering to you to make sure you can swim in deep waters... I believe you can!!!
What next? That one is up to you dear sister!!!... I told the little whispering voices that I would make a plan and move forward and I gave myself permission to bail or pause along the way if moving ahead stopped feeling right... That never happened... What did happen?... An amazing life that I never dreamed would be mine...
Make a plan... Move at whatever speed you want... Go out more en femme... Keep asking questions here... Talk with therapists... Go to support groups... Make local Transwomen friends and learn from their journey...Start HRT...PM your big sister Ashley if she can ever be of help... Make your life what you want it to be... Make this world your own...And then take a deep breath, smile and repeat after me... " All will be well"
Onward we go brave girl...
Hugs!!!
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
Hey Julie! You and I are kind of in the same place. I am just beginning my transition and I'm walking that line between excitement and freedom on one side and self doubt on the other. My doubts arise from the question: Am I really strong enough to go through this? Will I chicken out or give up? It's really hard to know the right thing to do so I'm taking it one day at a time.
By the way, don't worry about being beautiful. You already are.
Quote from: Chelsea1807 on February 22, 2018, 10:53:49 PM
Julie I'm so glad you made this page. I haven't been out in public yet as Chelsea. I am scared to death but I will have to get over it. What did you do to get over the butterflies?
Hugs,
Chelsea
Well the first time me and my wife were going to the thrift store. As we drove up there were LOTS of cars in the lot, so I told her to go to the one a little farther away. She wanted to go to that one anyway since she said they have nicer stuff. Anyway, we got there and there were still a fair number of cars so I just smiled and said here we go and then just took the plunge. The butterflies were still there but it was certainly helpful to not be alone.
The second time was to that first thrift store that we passed up the first time a few days later on the way home from my therapists meeting. There I was at 6'1" with another 3.5" heels on (LOL) in a skirt and blouse all made up owning it. Yeah, I got a couple of looks but I was too busy scouring the racks to really notice.
Third time, I had to go to kmart and I didn't want to take my nail polish off so I just had to get dressed up. I got a double take from the cashier, but that was it. I wasn't really close enough to anyone else for them to really get a good front on look at me.
Its kinda like that first splash into a cold swimming pool or lake, you just take the plunge!
Lots of love everyone,
Julie
Ok, so I went out last Saturday with a couple of the trans-women from my support group. We wound up at a karaoke joint that was supposed to be trans-friendly. I guess I assumed that that meant there would be a fair number of trans folk there. There really weren't which made me feel very self conscious as the place just wasn't as safe as I had hoped. I wanted to sing, but wanted to sing in a higher vocal range and as the place got more and more crowded my courage just withered away. To add to the stress, I got carded so I got to show the bouncer a picture of my old bearded face...how stressful is that?
I guess the night just didn't meet my expectations. I had hoped to be able to do more talking with the ladies I went with, but it was just too loud. I left feeling not so great and it made me doubt the path I am on in transitioning.
When I got home and saw myself in the mirror though (all femmed out) I felt good about myself, even without any hrt. It was then that I started to try to separate out that my negative emotions from earlier were probably really just because I had a stressful night an didn't have as good of a time as I had envisioned and not from not really being trans.
I still get a fair amount of anxiety about whether or not I am doing the right thing. There are these moments when I feel just sooo good about it all and then others when it feels like I am being swallowed by the universe.
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on February 26, 2018, 11:34:38 AM
Ok, so I went out last Saturday with a couple of the trans-women from my support group. We wound up at a karaoke joint that was supposed to be trans-friendly. I guess I assumed that that meant there would be a fair number of trans folk there. There really weren't which made me feel very self conscious as the place just wasn't as safe as I had hoped. I wanted to sing, but wanted to sing in a higher vocal range and as the place got more and more crowded my courage just withered away. To add to the stress, I got carded so I got to show the bouncer a picture of my old bearded face...how stressful is that?
I guess the night just didn't meet my expectations. I had hoped to be able to do more talking with the ladies I went with, but it was just too loud. I left feeling not so great and it made me doubt the path I am on in transitioning.
When I got home and saw myself in the mirror though (all femmed out) I felt good about myself, even without any hrt. It was then that I started to try to separate out that my negative emotions from earlier were probably really just because I had a stressful night an didn't have as good of a time as I had envisioned and not from not really being trans.
I still get a fair amount of anxiety about whether or not I am doing the right thing. There are these moments when I feel just sooo good about it all and then others when it feels like I am being swallowed by the universe.
Julie
Be strong. This is a hard thing and the emotions go up and down like a roller coaster. Most days I feel on top of the world, sometimes I feel like screaming to the world "I really don't care what you think!" - which I do everyday by being me. Some days I feel that I'm not enough. You have to draw strength from the good days and get through the hard ones. Most mornings I play "this is me" at high volume to remind myself there really is no reason to be scared or anxious. I am me, its the only way I can be and if the world doesn't like it I don't care.
Out to another relative. I went to have lunch with my Aunt over the weekend. I was nervous she might notice my little black studs from where I had my ears pierced (they are small and sorta look like moles), but no one at work had mentioned them in like two weeks so I thought perhaps they just weren't that noticeable. Well, that is the first thing she noticed when she showed up. So all during lunch she was just asking unusual questions and I could tell she was worried about me (about to go through a divorce for non-trans related issues), so I decided I had to tell her what was going on with me.
So, I asked her if she was busy and if she had time to talk after lunch so I went over to her place and just let it all out. She took it very well and she was very supportive. She was shocked as well, but very supportive. I think I was nervous about telling her because I thought she would think it was some sort of midlife crisis or some kinda of temporary insanity about my impending divorce or something like that and want me to go find a therapist to cure me, but that wasn't the case at all.
Next up my brother and his family. Not sure when this is going to happen, but my sister-in-law is a therapist and a little bit on the liberal side (brother is decidedly not) and I was thinking I would tell her first an ask her advice on how to approach my brother. Maybe I'll be like, hey bro, did you ever regret not having a big sister to pick on....?
After that it is dad....shiver. He has such an erratic personality, I can't even begin to imagine how he is going to take it.
I'll end on another positive note. My mom, who has been struggling with understanding the desire to transition is coming around a little bit. She has seen a couple of shows on TV about it and she is filling in the gaps of what goes on with trans people. Before I came out to her she really didn't know anything about trans. Now she is talking about giving me some fashion and makeup advice next time she comes in town. Sounds good to me.
Julie
Hey Julie!!!
Congrats on the latest brave steps forward towards making your life what you want it to be... Those closest to us sometimes have a lot of set ideas about who they think we are... Sometimes they adjust slowly and sometimes they jump onboard without blinking... either way...they get to finally experience who we truly are and they will come to know, that is a blessing!!!... The direction is forward and ... All shall be well
Onward we go brave little sister!!!
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
Ok, so lately I have been suffering from a sort of intermittent malaise that I can't quite figure out. It's just a general feeling of being unwell emotionally, maybe a little depressed and I can't figure out why because there isn't any particular thing that is apparent to me that is causing it. If I sit there and try to think about what is causing it, my brain just wanders off. It really stinks because I want to get to the bottom of it and I can't. The rational side of my brain keeps trying to come up with theories about why I am feeling bad. Of course I have to look at the one big change in my life that started two month ago, which is deciding to transition. I don't really think that is it exactly, but it is still troubling that that is even a candidate.
Last evening I was feeling the malaise and just reading a few stories on Susan's about ladies starting hrt was enough to lift my spirits. Being that doing things that are trans affirming seems to lift my spirits, I tend to come to the conclusion that the malaise isn't from transitioning. I think it could be related to anything, maybe diet, exercise, malnutrition, or even some trans hangups that are a residual from the 30 years I spent hiding from myself.
Anyone have any ideas on how to delve into your subconscious mind to figure out what the heck is going on in there?
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on February 22, 2018, 09:18:29 PM
Had an interesting experience the other day when I was out as Julie and needed to go into a gas station to get something and there were these two unsavory characters just sorta hanging out inside. They were the type who definitely looked like they would hassle someone dressed like I was. I know that as a trans woman I am more likely to be physically assaulted and I just didn't want to deal with the situation. I wound up going back to my vehicle and waiting for them to leave.
Anyone else have situations that they just didn't want to deal with?
Julie
That was good judgement on your part; good situational awareness skills can help keep us safe. I always listen to my instincts, and if something doesn't feel right I avoid it.
Quote from: JulieAllana on March 02, 2018, 09:33:50 AM
Anyone have any ideas on how to delve into your subconscious mind to figure out what the heck is going on in there?
That sounds like the job description of a therapist. You mentioned earlier in the thread that you have one. A good therapist should help you unravel what is going on for you. If the malaise is trans-related, you will want to know how so you can put it to rest. And if it isn't, you want reassurance of that, and maybe some help with dealing with whatever it is.
So I'd recommend raising the issue at your next therapy appointment.
Hah! Here I am replying to myself. I just wrote something in a response in another thread that maybe gave me some insight to the feelings I described above.
Quote from: JulieAllana on March 02, 2018, 09:46:26 AM
The idea that I have always been a woman is something that I am still coming to terms with. Not because I don't acknowledge that, but because I am still so masculine in so many ways, including some of how I think, which is a direct contradiction to the statement, "I am a woman and always have been." After so many years shrouded in male socialization cues and being stuck in this male body, it is really hard to peel the layers of the onion because they root so deeply. Those things were part of my shield that protected me from harm and ridicule and I imagine for that reason, it is hard and scary to let them go. Even now when not in girl mode I hold that shield up and while I don't think about it when I am holding it up, as I am typing this that shield just seems so heavy and oppressive. I need to find a way to let it go.
When talking about my masculinity being my shield, I started to have some feelings in my chest similar to when I feel the malaise, but there was also some sadness there as well. It made my want to cry. Am I mourning the loss of my shield and masculinity or that it is such a cross to bare and the weight of it is crushing? What are even the implications of those thoughts and how do I get out from under them?
Julie
I have what I think to be a funny story, hope you all like it.
So, my wife goes out to dinner with one of her workers and forgets her wallet. She calls me to come rescue her and they won't take a credit card over the phone, so I have to drive out there. I tell her it will be a few minutes before I can leave and then we hang up.
I am on my way, it has been maybe 25-30 minutes since we got off of the phone and I am almost there when they start texting me wanting to know when I would be there. I responded implying that I was still putting on my makeup, knowing that they would probably believe me. Talk about two excited women when I walked into the restaurant a few minutes later. They indeed believed that I was still at home getting all dolled up to come out and rescue them. I think my wife saw the humor in it, but her little worker was about ready to throw down in the parking lot, haha. I thought it was HILLARIOUS!
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on March 04, 2018, 03:49:12 PM
I have what I think to be a funny story, hope you all like it.
So, my wife goes out to dinner with one of her workers and forgets her wallet. She calls me to come rescue her and they won't take a credit card over the phone, so I have to drive out there. I tell her it will be a few minutes before I can leave and then we hang up.
I am on my way, it has been maybe 25-30 minutes since we got off of the phone and I am almost there when they start texting me wanting to know when I would be there. I responded implying that I was still putting on my makeup, knowing that they would probably believe me. Talk about two excited women when I walked into the restaurant a few minutes later. They indeed believed that I was still at home getting all dolled up to come out and rescue them. I think my wife saw the humor in it, but her little worker was about ready to throw down in the parking lot, haha. I thought it was HILLARIOUS!
Julie
That's Awesome Julie. I bet those two were sweating bullets right before you walked in. lol
Hugs,
Chelsea
Ok, so this just happened:
I was at a support group meeting tonight out as me, all dressed up with makeup on and everything. I am pulling up to my block at around 10:15 PM and I notice my neighbor just getting out of his SUV and going into his house. I am not out to my neighbors yet so I quickly park and make a made dash to my front door and slip inside. I figured I would get in a couple of selfies while I was dressed up so I was turning on some lights for the pics when the doorbell rings and ITS HIM!
I am like what the heck is he wanting? Did he see me and wants to know whats up? Anyway, I rip off my clothes and quickly run a rag over my face and go to answer the door. By this time, he had figured I wasn't going to answer and was about back at his house. I called to him to see what he wanted and he just wanted me to help him unload something from his vehicle...I was like PHEW. I told him to gimme a minute.
I guess at like 10PM I figured I was pretty safe from people knocking on my door. No selfies for me tonight.
Julie
Ok, so I have let my thread fall into disrepair. I have been kinda having the same issues and thoughts go round and round in my head about my transition over the last several months. Mostly it has been waves of feeling like I need to transition followed by times when I just feel...normal? Whatever normal means? I mean it isn't a feeling of not wanting to transition, just the absence of a strong desire to. I kinda feel like having paid some pretty serious attention to my desires to be a woman that my subconscious (you know, the one that kept all of this repressed for 30 years) is like "ok, enough of that for now, we're going to put Julie back in the box for awhile." Anyway, I didn't want to post in the forums every time I was having the same issues for 3-4 months as that just gets old and the comments while genuine and very supportive just start seeming rote.
Anyway, so over that time I have been trying to distill what within me is woman. My therapist tells me I am a woman which the right brain laughs at (body of a man...DUH) and squelches out the left side which is trying to be Julie. I so desperately want to be a woman and keep trying to figure out how I am supposed to feel inside to validate that transition is the right direction to move towards. I have done everything I am comfortable with to the point where it isn't really exciting now and just seems normal (mannerisms, dress at home, voice, come out to a select few, ears peirced etc), but I feel like I am stuck in the same place I have been in since around March. Some things are harder, like going out in public. When I go out, I feel like everyone is looking at the big guy in a dress...BLEGH!
Well, I suppose it is time to move on. After talking with some of the lovely trans-ladies in my support group about their HRT experiences and despite being terrified about it, yesterday I asked my therapist for a letter to give to an endo. I figure HRT is the next frontier and will either give me the validation I need to continue moving forward or to reconsider where I want to be at the end of all of this. I won't get the letter for another week and a half and I want to bank some sperm before I start HRT so I am probably still a month out from starting. This will give me some time to kick my weight loss into overdrive ( I kinda plateau'd for the last 1.5 months) to get to the place I want to be when I start HRT.
What is there to be terrified about? Well, after some period on HRT, the physical changes aren't easily hidden anymore and I will have to come out. I am quite nervous about my father and brother and some of my cousins who are fairly religious. I am also quite anxious about coming out at work. HR has policies protecting transgender employees against discrimination, but I have co-workers who have made off-color remarks previously and the inevitable change in the work dynamic and environment has me quite worried. Fear of the unknown...so powerful.
I also stress about what my appearance will be like. I am tall, and broad and a bit overweight (for now) and am just so uncomfortable with how I look (when dressed, *I* only see the man in women's clothing most of the time).
Anyway, there isn't much for it but to charge ahead, like @tgirlamc says, "Onward we go brave little sister!!!"
Julie
@JulieAllana :
Dear Julie: Oh my, oh my.... over a month since your last update and posting... on YOUR own thread ! ...
We will all forgive you of course once you get back on track and start keeping your followers and readers up to date about you and your journey.
You are not alone with your feelings, not many of us here have escaped having doubts and fears about transitioning... somewhere in our journeys we can come up with all kinds of doubts and fears about our transition goals, particularly if we hit a pothole or two while on the transition road.
No need to be terrified when and if you start HRT... you have at your disposal a veritable treasure trove of other members postings and experiences to let you know what your might expect.
The important thing to always remember is that HRT will work differently, faster, slower, more significant changes, less significant changes, etc.... depending on how your
unique body responds. As it is said here, "YMMV" ... meaning that "Your mileage may vary."
Check out the various threads by other members here and look at their pictures if they post them... you can read and also see for yourself some of the before and after results... again the results vary according to each body's response to HRT and of course other factors which include grooming, makeup, jewelry, clothing, actions and movements, voice, etc.
Just be certain to keep going to your therapist on a regular basis, especially at the beginning.
So, now that I have admonished you to keep your thread up to date, please, if you feel comfortable doing it, do so and keep your followers and readers happy. Plus, just sharing your transition experiences is very good therapy in itself for you and instructional and perhaps encouraging for those that read it.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Quote from: JulieAllana on June 19, 2018, 12:03:34 PMI mean it isn't a feeling of not wanting to transition, just the absence of a strong desire to.
Be careful to distinguish "not wanting to" from "wanting not to". In casual speech, it is easy to get those mixed up, but they are two different things. It is possible that you do not have a strong desire to transition (though the rest of your post makes it sound like you do), but that does not mean that you want to avoid transition. Which would be a perfectly valid choice, but it doesn't sound to me like you are there.
We all get fears and doubts. Even after a year and a half on HRT and more than a year of RLE, I still wonder from time to time, "Who am I kidding?" But the doubts fade, because the reality is that I have to do this for my own sanity. It doesn't take me long to come to my senses after the doubts arise, but that doesn't stop them from arising.
You just need to remind yourself of all the reasons you told your therapist why you thought you were trans in the first place. It is unlikely that you were wrong about them.
Quote
HR has policies protecting transgender employees against discrimination, but I have co-workers who have made off-color remarks previously and the inevitable change in the work dynamic and environment has me quite worried.
Off-colour remarks are easy to make when they believe that no one within earshot will be affected. The fact that HR has policies already in place means that those remarks are likely to stop when you come out to HR. From reading posts here, when someone comes out to HR in a company with supportive policies, it is normal for HR to have a briefing for all staff, basically saying that that crap needs to stop and that disciplinary action will be taken if it doesn't.
Good luck with your HRT. Enjoy the ride!
Since I am trying to keep my thread more up to date, here goes nothing.
The Wife:
We have been separated for about the last year, for issues unrelated to trans-ness. She moved out last April and in January, I filed for divorce because things were getting literally crazy (she has struggled with some mental health and substance abuse issues). It isn't that I don't love and care for her, but she is the one who moved out and she had been very hostile. When some things that had transpired came to light, I felt like I had to protect myself both mentally and financially by filing.
So, now after three trips to the psych ward and her medications being heavily adjusted, she is walking and talking like a very different person. This other person doesn't want to get divorced and wants to try to work things out because she is still in love with me. Oy! Yes, she knows I am transgender and am transitioning to female. She isn't a lesbian and isn't crazy about the idea, but she still wants to try to work it out.
I was kinda getting used to the idea of getting on with my life, but for some reason, I don't just want to quit either, but I feel like this is going against my better judgement. Anyway, I told her that she has much trust to regain and that we basically need to start over and rebuild the relationship from the ground up. She is ok with that so we went on a date.
We went to the movie last week, me dressed up as Julie. The date part was fine, but me dressing up was super stressful. It was a late show and the theater was pretty bare, but I felt like every head was turned my way and I was incredibly self-conscious. I usually only get dressed for my support group meetings and my therapist which aren't any problem for me at all, even going out with the ladies after the support meeting for coffee. I guess it is the safety in numbers effect.
I would feel so much better if I were at a stage where there was even the possibility of male fail, but without all of the makeup there ain't much hope for me yet.
I should get my letter this weekend though and I can finally get this show on the road.
Julie
Hi Julie,
I can certainly understand your concern regarding getting back together with your wife. Mental health issues & substance abuse issues can be difficult for everyone involved. Controlling both are a fight everyday. I'll share my thoughts coming from the perspective of an experienced healthcare provider and what I've learned over time.
I think for things to go in a positive direction, it's important that your wife follow through with her treatment and therapy. It's so typical that when one feels better they start to think they don't need their meds etc. and the cycle starts again. Or they self-adjust their meds and create a whole different kind of problem.
Likewise with substance abuse. Once one is on that road to recovery and they start to feel better - stronger, that little thought creeps into their head that they can control "it" this time. And "BAM" - back to the beginning. It's like thinking you can go at least a round with that world champ boxer/MMA fighter and survive or not get knocked out. As soon as one steps into that ring, it's over. Yet some do it over and over and over.
You probably know all that already. In my experience, what I've observed is that things tend to improve and continue in a good direction when all those close to the patient are involved with their therapy and continued recovery. It can be a tough road to walk for all involved. It takes strength, determination, and lots of mental willpower.
Besides dealing with your own transition and all that it can bring, I think you're going to have to prepare yourself to also help her. I personally think that you'll have to be very clear with her on what you expect - what you have to see from her. I also think you have to let her know that you'll be there with her to help her and support her through the rough times and that you're going to be an active participant in her mental health & substance abuse.
Best of luck!
Quote from: BrianaJ on June 27, 2018, 09:44:34 AM
You probably know all that already. In my experience, what I've observed is that things tend to improve and continue in a good direction when all those close to the patient are involved with their therapy and continued recovery. It can be a tough road to walk for all involved. It takes strength, determination, and lots of mental willpower.
Yes, I have seen the cycle several times, both with the addiction part and the mental health part. It is tragic to watch.
Quote from: BrianaJ on June 27, 2018, 09:44:34 AM
I personally think that you'll have to be very clear with her on what you expect - what you have to see from her. I also think you have to let her know that you'll be there with her to help her and support her through the rough times and that you're going to be an active participant in her mental health & substance abuse.
I think you are dead on here. It seems cold and calculating, but I think there has to be a standard of behavior that needs to be met or the jig is up. Just saying that makes my heart ache because I start thinking, "why is this time different?" I can see the future where she falls off the wagon again and I have to make that horrible decision to move on.
Julie
On a lighter note, last night we went to the movies again.
I was still dressed up from my therapist's meeting and even though I am still highly self-conscious about being in public, I just said F it...if people are going to look at me they are going to look at me and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.
On the way home from the therapist, I stopped off at Whole Foods to get some yogurt on sale that I like and didn't have too much apprehension. The worst part for me was when I had to speak to the cashier to give her my phone # for my Amazon prime 10% discount. I have been working on my voice and people tell me it is good, but I am still very uneasy about it, but the cashier didn't blink an eye or anything.
After that, my wife picked me up and off to the movies. For some reason the one we wanted wasn't playing even though it was up on the web site so we wound up seeing Incredibles 2. It was cute, but not as good as the first one in my opinion. It was the late show, so it wasn't particularly crowded but I didn't notice anyone overtly staring at me. I guess I should consider this a win :)
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on June 27, 2018, 11:46:59 AM
On a lighter note, last night we went to the movies again.
I was still dressed up from my therapist's meeting and even though I am still highly self-conscious about being in public, I just said F it...if people are going to look at me they are going to look at me and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it.
Julie: Exactly the right approach.... if they look and stare at you, and even if they make a disparaging comment... ignore them, don't reply, just put a big smile on your face, hold your head high and walk away.
QuoteOn the way home from the therapist, I stopped off at Whole Foods to get some yogurt on sale that I like and didn't have too much apprehension. The worst part for me was when I had to speak to the cashier to give her my phone # for my Amazon prime 10% discount. I have been working on my voice and people tell me it is good, but I am still very uneasy about it, but the cashier didn't blink an eye or anything.
Well... that is good news and very affirming for you....
...and a boost to your confidence regarding your appearance
and your voice!!!! I am very happy for you.
QuoteAfter that, my wife picked me up and off to the movies. For some reason the one we wanted wasn't playing even though it was up on the web site so we wound up seeing Incredibles 2. It was cute, but not as good as the first one in my opinion. It was the late show, so it wasn't particularly crowded but I didn't notice anyone overtly staring at me. I guess I should consider this a win :)
Julie
@JulieAllana Yes, Dear Julie..... definitely a win...
In fact your entire update is a big win for you and a wonderful report for you to share with your readers and followers.....
...and regarding your readers and followers... I want to speak on everyone's behalf: THANK YOU for updating us more frequently regarding your transition journey... always feel free to report
BOTH the good and the bad.
With the
good news we can rejoice with you and certainly others reading your good news will be encouraged by what you have to say.
With the
bad news... as your biggest fans here on the Forums, we can hug and support you, and comfort you and perhaps help you realize that you are never alone with those kinds of experiences that all of us have faced or will be facing.
Thank you again for your update to your thread.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 27, 2018, 12:07:05 PM
With the bad news... as your biggest fans here on the Forums, we can hug and support you, and comfort you and perhaps help you realize that you are never alone with those kinds of experiences that all of us have faced or will be facing.
Thanks for your kind words, Danielle. I guess I just didn't want to keep having the same bad update over and over again as I kinda found myself in a rut. I mean, continuous updates of "more of the same" just didn't seem too noteworthy. Also, I am not sure how many followers I have, haha!
Peace!
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on June 27, 2018, 12:51:43 PM
Thanks for your kind words, Danielle. I guess I just didn't want to keep having the same bad update over and over again as I kinda found myself in a rut. I mean, continuous updates of "more of the same" just didn't seem too noteworthy. Also, I am not sure how many followers I have, haha!
Peace!
Julie
@JulieAllana Dear Julie: Rest assured, you do indeed have readers and followers of you and your thread.
Please know and bear in mind there are many that read and follow but they will never post a reply thread. You will never know how many of those that you have encouraged (with both the good and bad news) with your updates and your postings.
My thought on my own threads is that if members follow them and post comments letting me know how my threads affect them... that is all good.... if no one comments, that is OK too... I am still helping myself by writing things out on my thread...
it is in fact a personal therapy tool... to write out the things we are dealing with.
For very personal stuff I keep a pen and paper journal complete with silly doodling. Again, good personal therapy plus reviewing entrees later on, even months or years later, can be very helpful in revealing my success or failures in the way that I handled my issues of the day. Plus on some of my old entrees I can laugh at myself... and at times it is personally entertaining reading too.
So, bottom line,
your thread is for YOU... if members read it or don't read it, that is not important and is not the issue.... the important thing is that
your thread helps you....
Hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: JulieAllana on June 27, 2018, 12:51:43 PM
Thanks for your kind words, Danielle. I guess I just didn't want to keep having the same bad update over and over again as I kinda found myself in a rut. I mean, continuous updates of "more of the same" just didn't seem too noteworthy. Also, I am not sure how many followers I have, haha!
Peace!
Julie
Julie I'm here following you and know how being in a rut feels like. The one I'm in feels like its a mile deep. lol
I'm looking forward to your updates. :)
Hugs,
Chelsea
Hello Julie
I am glad you are rekindling your relationship with your wife who I think now accepts you and that you have been with her to the movies twice.
I am pleased your therapy is proceeding and please try not to worry if you're in a rut as we all feel that way sometimes and frankly in many cases that is due to the fact that we have to wait and wait and wait on this journey.
Wishing you continued future success on your journey.
Hugs
Pamela
Hi Julie,
I am sorry to read about the challenges with your wife. I am no one to give you advice on marital relationships due to the mess I made with mine. So I won't offer any advice there, I will commend you for trying to keep it together though.
As for getting out in public... Hun, that is the way you get used to doing it. You get out there are do it. I did it similar to you by going to therapy dressed and into a store a few times. Then I went to visit a friend on a pride weekend and I was out in public as Laurie for 2 days even helping carry a rainbow banner towards the front of their parade! As if that wasn't enough Try going on a 5 week road trip enfemme except for two days. That did it I count my full time from a day not even halfway into it when I last wore my male clothes.
It really does get easier to do the more you do it girl. You will get the hang of it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Wife:
So, the divorce is at a point where it can be in limbo for 2 years. I am at the point where all I have to do is petition the court for a divorce and it's a done deal and I have 2 years to do this. With the latest round of paperwork, my wife was just about in tears because she doesn't want to call it quits. I don't exactly either. I love her, but she has caused such heartache and pain over the last few years. The difference now is that she is admitting the detriment of her past behavior and wants to make changes and amends. She wants to get a job and start going back to marriage counseling. I am game. Of course my judgement is flawed here and I am historically the sort of person that will throw good money after bad, but I feel like I just can't turn my back on her.
Trans:
I got my endo letter. I read it and it just hit me so hard, "ready to start medical transition". It seems so ominous when I read it like that, like it is some sort of oneway road. I mean, it is and it isn't. The changes don't happen overnight and if I feel wrong inside when I take them I can always stop, but it is probably the other scenario that scares me more. If I like the changes and feelings (which I am pretty sure I will), then the rest of my life has to start changing as well. Confronting all of my co-workers at work scares me the most perhaps, but there are also family members that I am not looking forward to coming out to.
The idea of telling people that what they *know* is me, isn't really me and that I am something else is off-putting. I also don't like the conceptual idea that John is dying so that Julie can live because John is Julie and Julie is John with just a different outward expression.
I mean, when I shaved my beard of 15 years, people at work were like shocked (I had also lost like 50 pounds at the time) because they just about didn't recognize me. After a couple of times seeing them though they just see me and not the me without a beard. (funny sidenote: the receptionist at the theraspist I go to EVERY WEEK didn't notice that I had shaved. she knew something was different, but couldn't put her finger on it.) Will it be the same when I start showing up as Julie, people just adjust to the new you? God the thought of it all makes me so anxious.
The idea of coming out to family is stressful, but perhaps in a different way. Really we are talking about my dad, brother and his family as well as two cousins and their families. The cousins families are all somewhat religious (one cousin-in-law is even a preacher) which makes me really wonder how they will take it. My dad is kind of an unknown factor here, I never know if he will zig or zag because he has always marched to his own tune and my brother has always been judgemental and is something of a control freak. I know he will think this has something to do with my marital problems. I know though that he has been speculating what is going on with me (weight loss, shaved legs/arms/beard, ear studs) and that he even tossed out the trans? question with his wife (my aunt overheard that conversation and told me). So maybe it really won't be a shock and he will have had some time to get used to the idea. My aunt thought the same thing about my trans-ness being caused by marital issues, which I think I have disabused her of by now.
Anyway, once I start hormones, I will have a little bit of time before I have to confront any of these people. I still have to schedule my endo consult and I want to bank some sperm before I start and I am not keen on spending the not insignificant amount of money required to bank sperm so I have a few weeks probably at the minimum before I can even fill a prescription. Anyone have any recommendations on sperm banking companies?
Thanks for ready,
Julie
Hi Julie,
I am a boy who is considering transitioning to female and wants to start cross dressing soon. I just read all your posts and your really inspiring. Hopefully I will start becoming Maria soon!
Thanks so much and best of luck!
X Marie
I made an appointment with an endo...TWO MONTHS, sheesh. I don't want to wait two months just for a consult. I know that compared to some places that two months is nothing and that time flies, but I was thinking like next week, heh. I might try finding another endo that can fit me in earlier, but the one I made my appointment with is well regarded in the local trans community. Anyway, another two months will give me time to get my weight down some more.
On the 4th of July which is the six month anniversary of changing my diet, I am down 101 pounds and 12 inches off of my belly. I have been taking my weight loss for granted, but when I stand back and look at how much I have lost it really seems astounding. That is like 16 pounds a month, but the month of May was pretty much a loss as I hit a major plateau which makes it closer to 20 pounds per month or 5 pounds per week in weeks that I was actually losing. My little diet app on my phone won't even let you set a goal of more than about 2 lbs/week (1kg/week). When I started my weight loss journey, I was expecting it to take me over a year. I have not weighed this little (if 219 is little) since I was in 10th grade.
My current goal based on my latest body fat scan is around 205 which puts me at 15% body fat. I wonder what hormones will do to my lean muscle mass and how that will affect my overall weight at the end of all of this. I would be happier with slimmer legs. My legs have very little fat on them currently and just the muscles are HUGE, I guess I will see.
If anyone is interested in how I have lost so much weight, I will go over how I have done it. DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical or dietary specialist and anything I say here is not advice but merely my own methodology based on information that I have gleaned from sources mostly on the internet.
First, I started exercising daily. Since I was so heavy, I opted for the lower impact motions of the elliptical trainer at Planet Fitness ($10/month, open 24 hrs). I selected the cardio option which monitors your heart rate and adjusts the difficulty accordingly to keep you in the correct heart range. The duration of my workout was an hour (highest the machine would let me select). I would stretch before and after each workout. My workouts generally start at night between the hours of 9:30 and 10:30.
Second, I shifted to a low carb ketogenic diet. I tried to keep my net carbs below 20 grams per day. I had dieted on low carb diets before and seen really good results, but I would always lose my motivation and go back to overeating (the emotional comforts of junk food are just too good and what did I need to be skinny for, life sucked). The science behind low carb diets is really kinda cool and I would highly advise anyone looking to try a ketogenic diet to understand how the diet actually helps them lose weight. There were really two documentaries that really helped me get the picture about exactly how awful refined sugars are: "Sugar Busted" available on Netflix and "The Skinny on Obesity" available on YouTube.
Third, Calorie restriction. I tried to keep my calories under 1500 calories per day. In the beginning this was EASY but got harder the more I lost weight. I hit my first plateau in the 270's and then again in the 230's. Some will warn of muscle loss with calorie restricted diets, but apparently, keto diets are very muscle sparing in this regard. Based on my body fat analysis that I had done in May, I had lost 90 pounds and only 10 of that was muscle. I'll take that ratio any day, especially since I want to be less bulky at the end of the day.
Lastly, I started engaging in intermittent fasting which is what has helped me get over the plateaus. As with keto diets, there is a wealth of information on intermittent fasting and I would highly advise becoming familiar with the science of fasting before starting. I would skip a meal or two which would put my body in the fasted state for 12-24 hours during which all of my energy consumption would come from stored fat reserves in my body. It has been VERY empowering to realize that even after not eating for up to 3 days (my longest fast) that I am not starving. Indeed, when I broke my 3 day fast, I wasn't even hungry. When fasting, it is important to still consume water and vitamins/minerals and especially electrolytes.
As involved as all of that is, my biggest challenge in this endeavor (and most throughout my life) has been one of motivation. When I am motivated, I move mountains. When I am not, I am a lazy bum. Here's to staying motivated!
Ok, well that was a mouthful, I hope that post wasn't too long. Feel free to ask any questions that I might have not answered.
Julie
Congratulations Julie on all that you're accomplishing. I hope you and your wife can find common ground and all will be well. Your exercise and diet regimen sound like a well thought out plan that's really working well for you. Great!
Keep up the good work.
Judi
@JulieAllana Wow-wheee..... that is a wonderful report about your weight loss progress. What an accomplishment so far, certainly demonstrates that you have a lot of determination and willpower. Kudos are in order for you.
When you feel the time is right for you and you are comfortable doing it, pictures would be a nice addition to one of your updates in the future.
Again, kudos to you.... Congratulations!!!
Please keep your updates coming. Your readers and followers are a curious bunch and we want to know!!!
Hugs,
Danielle
Congrats Julie! I've been waiting on this day. :) I'm so excited for you hun.
Hugs,
Chelsea
OK, Danielle. You asked for PICS, here they are. They are all plain in guy mode unfortunately, but that is what I got for weight loss pictures.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nolawaxhands.com%2Fweight_loss-2-13-18.jpg&hash=15af9dc76efd41f249926ceabf763d823f05cb53) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nolawaxhands.com%2Fweight_loss-2-26-18.jpg&hash=160bec3c94215ad0b4d1e7162a1994faaa963af8)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nolawaxhands.com%2Fweight_loss-3-5-18.jpg&hash=6dd59515e648ee1a91dc1d11b9ff03725129d40e) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nolawaxhands.com%2Fweight_loss-4-9-18.jpg&hash=d25ee226de9de4191df3634360fac04094fe0b4c)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nolawaxhands.com%2Fweight_loss-5-15-18.jpg&hash=db328a6c4bee011b15666fb4d8364563391a574f) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nolawaxhands.com%2Fweight_loss-7-3-18.jpg&hash=0e81e8289b71191027ed5c9d9d7a586dfa6ceaa7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nolawaxhands.com%2Fweight_loss-7-16-18.jpg&hash=2829528ff0b7c760b6756d607b7112227740923a)
So, other than weight loss pics, not too much going on here with me. Just working for the man. I have mostly been ok in the head with the occasional bout of what the hell am I doing and is this right for me. Then I think about my endo appointment in September and get excited. I think the continued anxiousness is still around the coming out to the world part of things.
My brother knows something is up. He was over at my house last week and he was being a bit nosy. He also saw my new bike and I have these LED lights that go around the spoke so that you can be seen at night. I chose the multi-colored string of LEDs just because I couldn't decide on a single color. It has pink and blue and green and white LEDs and he asked, "what, they didn't have one with just a single color?" I figure he was thinking I chose rainbow and maybe he is thinking I am gay.
Anyway, I am waiting on telling the rest of my family until I have a little bit of time on HRT and am more sure about my feelings. It is so strange because I have had less dysphoria of late about being trans which makes me question everything. I am so fearful of creating chaos in my wake with loved ones.
On the spouse side of the house. We are still living apart, but trying to spend more time together. She is still trying to get her head straight, but she is very hard on herself. We are in the process of getting her moved out of the place she has rented so that she can save some money living with her parents for a spell. She plans on getting a job soon which will help build her confidence. I still have very conflicted feelings about getting back together. I guess for me conflicted feelings are just par for the course.
Well, back to work. Gotta pay them bills.
Thanks, for reading,
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on July 23, 2018, 11:25:16 AM
So, other than weight loss pics, not too much going on here with me. Just working for the man. I have mostly been ok in the head with the occasional bout of what the hell am I doing and is this right for me. Then I think about my endo appointment in September and get excited. I think the continued anxiousness is still around the coming out to the world part of things.
My brother knows something is up. He was over at my house last week and he was being a bit nosy. He also saw my new bike and I have these LED lights that go around the spoke so that you can be seen at night. I chose the multi-colored string of LEDs just because I couldn't decide on a single color. It has pink and blue and green and white LEDs and he asked, "what, they didn't have one with just a single color?" I figure he was thinking I chose rainbow and maybe he is thinking I am gay.
Anyway, I am waiting on telling the rest of my family until I have a little bit of time on HRT and am more sure about my feelings. It is so strange because I have had less dysphoria of late about being trans which makes me question everything. I am so fearful of creating chaos in my wake with loved ones.
On the spouse side of the house. We are still living apart, but trying to spend more time together. She is still trying to get her head straight, but she is very hard on herself. We are in the process of getting her moved out of the place she has rented so that she can save some money living with her parents for a spell. She plans on getting a job soon which will help build her confidence. I still have very conflicted feelings about getting back together. I guess for me conflicted feelings are just par for the course.
Well, back to work. Gotta pay them bills.
Thanks, for reading,
Julie
@JulieAllana Wow,
Julie, I can really see the results of your weight loss program, especially in your face and neck. Keep on keeping on... you are doing great.
Oh yeah, your readers and followers are very familiar with what you stated:
"I have mostly been ok in the head with the occasional bout of what the hell am I doing and is this right for me. Then I think about my endo appointment in September and get excited. I think the continued anxiousness is still around the coming out to the world part of things."Interesting about your curious brother... do you think that he will tip off the rest of your family before you do your official coming-out announcement? If so, that might make things a whole lot easier.
As I have mentioned to other married transtioners on various threads.... certainly transitioning is a difficult thing to get our heads around, BUT for the married partner is has to be one of the most difficult gauntlet to get a handle on.
In the case of a MTF.... the wife fell in love with and married a man years ago and now the partner has to deal with the difficult mental adjustment of being married to a woman.... very difficult for sure... patience, support and understanding is needed for sure.
Have you two gone to couples therapy yet??
Wishing you well Julie.... thanks for posting your weight loss progress pictures and for updating your thread.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 23, 2018, 01:07:25 PM
Interesting about your curious brother... do you think that he will tip off the rest of your family before you do your official coming-out announcement? If so, that might make things a whole lot easier.
@Alaskan_Danielle Well, I know from someone that was a party to a conversation that is in the know about me that he and his wife while trying to figure out what is up with me said maybe transgender. It isn't the sort of thing though that he would ever ask me about directly though.
As for the wife, we have been going to couple's counseling previously for non-trans issues. We were (still are?) a hair's breadth from a divorce, but she wants to salvage it. We went to one counselor's meeting so far and she wants to do another one. I tried in earnest so much before to salvage it, but I just don't know if my heart is in it. You get tired of fighting at some point. There are just so many unknowns and my life has changed so much in the last 6 months....I just don't know.
Thanks so much for your encouraging words with the weight loss. The last couple of days have been bad days with food.
Julie
Why have the last couple of days been bad with food? Not sure, but I have just had this voracious appetite. I was at Wal-mart and they had an ice cream maker on clearance for $10. I figured why not and I decided to dabble with some low carb ice cream. That was a mistake ;)
I first (wait, there more than one?) created maybe about a quart of chocolate almond. OMG was it amazing. Not to be outdone with myself, later that day I made a vanilla almond with a slightly different recipe. It was also OMG amazing. Suffice it to say, I ate too much of both.
Yesterday was such a bad day that I am fasting today, although with my weight loss regimen, fasting isn't too uncommon with me fasting 2-3 days per week, but today was OBLIGATORY! No biggie, 1 step back, 2 steps forward.
Julie
OK Julie, put down the spoon! Now! Your weight program has had great results. I can certainly see it in your photos. Get back in the groove.
"I tried in earnest so much before to salvage it, but I just don't know if my heart is in it. You get tired of fighting at some point".
You have to really think if its a relationship worth saving. It appears your wife is willing, but the proof will be in her actions, then on yours. Best of luck on this front.
Judi
I have fallen into another pitfall. Video games. I used to occupy all of my free time with video games when I was younger. Generally multiplayer games of the real-time action strategy variety (dota, heroes of newerth). Video games is probably how I managed to get so far in life and keeping my dysphoria in check...when all you think about is playing the game, you don't have to think about how come you weren't born a woman. I had quit for several years because it generally took up too much time and on a whim a couple of weeks ago I installed it and have been spending entirely too much time on it since. There are all of these other things that I am supposed to be paying attention to in my life which suddenly don't seem so important. Of course I know they are there and are nagging at the back of my mind, but I can always deal with that "tomorrow"...as for right now, "one" more game won't hurt.
I have gone through this cycle several times before...quit for a few years, play hard for a couple of weeks/months. So here are some things that are falling behind:
house work
exercise
working on transition
actual work (the stuff I get paid for!!)
working on marriage reconcilliation
other stuff not worth mentioning
SLEEP
All of that stuff just doesn't seem important when compared to "just one more game". When I am not in game mode, I don't want to play video games because I feel like it is a waste of time which is so precious and we don't get back. But right now in game mode, even knowing how precious time is I just want to play. The crazy thing is that it is probably MORE stressful because you know things aren't getting done and they still need to get done. I wish there was an easy way to just flip the switch so as not to be in game mode.
As if that wasn't enough I am having dietary problems. My brain works in a similar way with food it seems. Binary eating mode or non-eating mode. As any previous readers know I have been doing intermittent fasting. I have found fasting to be really easy for 24-72 hours by placing myself into non-eating mode. The problem arises when I go back into eating mode I can't seem to stop. I will eat a normal meal and feel full and then continue snacking for the rest of the day until I have eaten a ridiculous amount of food. How can I have so much willpower when I am fasting and just about NONE when I am "eating". I haven't gained any weight, but I am not losing any.
So, last couple of weeks I have been kinda humdrum and mostly not feeling to much urgency on the transition front. That would be great and all except that I think it is mostly from video games consuming about all of my mental energy. I still have my endo meeting next month which I am nervous about but also looking forward to. God it is awful how conflicted I feel about things.
If you made it through all of that, thanks for reading my drivel,
Julie
@JulieAllana Dear Julie.... I read your self-proclaimed "drivel" .... regarding video game addiction, fortunately that "bug" never bit me. When I was in college I had several friends that had that same addiction and ended up failing classes and some dropped out.
I know that it is hard to quit or to limit your time spent on things like video games, just like any other addiction, but it is a real time killer and if not controlled it can, as you know, be responsible for foregoing other important tasks that should take a higher priority in your life.
I will stop preaching at you, but if you can muster your willpower and determination to stop and/or limit your video game time I think that you will find that you will be able to enjoy and take responsibility for your other life tasks and also will help you to make more IRL friends of which we always need more of.
No matter how you decide to proceed I want to thank you for your honest sharing, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and will be looking for your updates.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle
Yes as you see, it is an addiction. There is no "one more". You seem to understand this so maybe the best thing is to uninstall them again.
All the items in your list are life critical for success and happiness and health. Being in "game mode" is a diversion where reality is suspended and time stands still. You see that is not true when you stop and its late and deadlines loom.
I have faith in you that you can pull yourself out of this. As Danielle says thank you for sharing so honestly. Hugs!
Judi
So, up until now, there hasn't been too much to report. Just the everyday life happenings of someone who isn't quite sure how they are supposed to fit in the world. I go to my counselor once a week and we keep basically going over it all. Every little detail of life has me wondering where I am supposed to go and is the course I have set for myself the correct one. The next frontier on that course is...HRT...and after an appointment with an endo this morning, I have a prescription in hand. Before I fill it, I want to bank some sperm and I also have to get approval from my insurance company so that they will cover it. Looking at the prescription makes me smile and thinking of filling it makes me scared and nervous. What am I supposed to divine from such emotions?
I suspect that life is about to get a whole lot different and probably pretty strange from here on out.
On a related note, has anyone every visited the website sexchangeregret.com? It is hosted by a (former?) transwoman who transitioned and lived as a woman for 8 years and then transitioned back. (I keep wanting to call him her even though he transitioned back to a man...strange). I am curious what any or you might think of his website.
Other tidbits:
Seems my video game obsession with Heroes of Newerth has played itself out. Obviously this is a good thing. It was a nice little distraction from life for a couple of months and now it is time to get back to facing everything in front of me.
Diet is still ongoing. Weighing in around 212 right now. I am still doing keto with intermittent fasting and I am still having trouble flipping the switch from eating mode to non-eating mode on days when I am eating. I go into the day planning to just eat the appropriate amount and I wind up snacking the whole rest of the day, consuming an exceedingly large amount of calories even though I am not really physically hungry. It is more of an emotional ravenousness at play here. This cycle has really stalled my weight loss. Hopefully I can get my emotions in check and get back on the plan. Exercise has also stalled due to a knee injury. I would like to get back on track there as well.
Its funny because everyone that knows me says I don't need to lose more weight. They only see where I am as compared to where I have come from and they figure that 100 pounds is good enough. I am looking at fat still on my body and the results from the body composition tests that say I have another 10-15 pounds yet to go. It seems these last 10 or so pounds are going to be the hardest.
On the wife front, things haven't changed too much. She still wants to be married to me...but not to a woman...but she supports me on my road to transition. She gets emotional about all three points above. She regrets moving out and wants to reconcile. I am amenable, but I want to take it slow because if this is going to work it can't just be patching it up, it has to be something of a complete rebuild. She wants to rush back in almost like all of the emotional havoc she caused never happened. Oye! What's a transwoman to do?
Thanks for reading,
Julie
@JulieAllana Dear Julie: Thank you for coming out of your posting "one month break" and updating all of your followers.
Please rest assured that if you think that there is nothing to report that we still want to hear from you more frequently.... even if it is just about everyday life happenings.
WOW, great news on seeing your Endo this morning and getting your coveted prescription for your HRT.... yes indeed, banking some sperm is a good move, even if you do or do not think that you will utilize it, we never know what the future holds.
Oh, do know, that for most transitioners, the feelings of joy and happiness about HRT can also be intermixed with being scared, frightened and nervous regarding this big step forward toward your goal, in my personal experience, all of these are normal emotions that come along with the journey.
Hmmm, your comment about the website hosted by a transwoman that de-transisitioned is not something that I want to think about. Transitioning is such a life changing event that clear thinking and numerous meetings with doctors and therapists are essential in order to avoid things like that.
Wishing you continued success with your diet.... in any diet the last few pounds in reaching your goal weight always seem to be the most difficult but never give up, never surrender. Whenever one loses a lot of weight there are always "friends" and onlookers that make comments like you mentioned.... perhaps they are envious of your weight loss progress... but certainly at your present weight I wouldn't think that you are in any danger of starving or having anorexia. Your doctor's advice about your personal weight loss goal is a good thing for you to know.
Regarding your issues with your wife. It doesn't take too much reading of others threads to see that you are not alone with these kinds of problems. When a person transitions it is usually most difficult for the spouse for obvious reasons. Try to continue to be understanding, loving, kind, considerate and going at a pace that your wife can deal with. Couples therapy might be in order and is usually a good thing to consider doing.
Again, thanks for your long awaited update... please keep us posted.
Hugs and Well Wishes, as always,
Danielle
Time. I am finding it true that the older I get, the faster it goes by. It's absolutely incredible. I made my endo appointment over two months ago and I thought, "TWO MONTHS, I CAN'T WAIT TWO MONTHS," and here we are a week and a half after my meeting with my endo.
In that week and a half, I have made two "deposits" at the fertility clinic and have redoubled my attempts to get the last bit of weight off of me. I might make one more deposit before starting HRT, so maybe another 4-5 days? At first I was excited but scared, and now I am experiencing a lull in my desire to medically transition. This has been one of the things that just fills me with doubt, how my feelings of "trans-ness" ebb and flow. Throughout all of the questioning and doubt and ambivalence though, I have been moving inexorably towards this like something is pulling me there. I predicted that I would drag my feet with fertility preservation because of the cost and that it would be a minor roadblock to starting HRT, but I made the appointment within a day of getting my prescription from the endo. I kinda feel like the nature with which I am moving forward despite the questioning and doubt is an affirming sign about where I need to go. HRT for me even will be a diagnostic step.
I predict that it will make me feel better and that it will help me sort out the conflict in my head, but if it doesn't, then I really get to start figuring out the nature of my affliction. My whole life I have had some level of dysfunction that has prevented me from really living. I mean, I go through the motions but I am not really living...just kind of sitting on the sidelines.
It is strange that when I first came to terms with being trans back in January, I was so eager and so motivated and so sure. I was ready to start my life as a female while there is still some youthfulness left. That eagerness while still there sometimes just seems completely and inexplicably absent other times. Time will tell, but hopefully not too much time.
So, I have finally started back at the gym after a knee injury. It is so hard to make myself go, but once I get in the car, I feel good about it. Was at 207 yesterday. Based on height, 200 is probably a good weight for me, but that is probably for a male. I am always going to be big because I have a large frame...a massive chest and big shoulders. It is a huge concern for me in how feminine I will eventually be. That is another "time will tell" issue.
For so many years I denied the option of transition for myself because I thought I would never be able to overcome my size. I would tell myself that if by some miracle I can't be a natural born woman, that I will just have to struggle on as a man and then I would go over all of the perks of being male to try to make myself feel better. No matter how many ways I could think in my head how much easier being a man can be though, I still always wanted to be a woman. So here I am now saying screw it, it doesn't matter...I will look like what I look like, but it is still something I worry about. I never want to be seen as a guy trying to be or simply dressed as a woman, but that isn't so much in my control.
I bet I get stranger looks now (which I am oblivious to) as I try to adopt female mannerisms than I will actually get when I one day go full time. I am able to say I don't care what people think when I am in guy mode with more female mannerisms, I just need to be in the same mindset when in girl mode. It'll all work itself out eventually and I know I will feel better about it with some of the physical changes of HRT. I just can't wait for male fail. That will bring a nice big smile to my face.
So, there is my food for thought for the day. I hope some of you all find it thought provoking in some fashion.
Hugs,
Julie
@JulieAllana Ahhh, your update finally arrived. You covered a lot of subject in your everyday life update... and it appears to me that things are progressing nicely...
Good for you especially regarding your Endo appointment and your continued weight loss progress....
Please know that your followers are interested in you life events, even if they are not big and dramatic announcements. Writing about stuff like this is good therapy for you and can be helpful for the readers....
Thank you again for your latest update.
Please continue to continue on. We are your biggest fans.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle
Ok, so maybe the Northern Blond Bombshell's (you know who you are ;) ) idea of posting about things other than transitional angst has some merit so I am going talk about something smokin' hot...too bad it isn't me.
Smokin' hot bbq! For the last several years me and a friend have been into barbecuing just on the grill, generally ribs with an occasional steak or some sausage, but that is just so mundane. For the last year or so, I have wanted to dabble with smoking meat, but I didn't have a smoker and attempts to do so on the grill weren't too successful.
I had a several hundred dollar gift-card to a sporting goods store from a returned gift and without having anything else to really buy there, on a whim I bought a smoker...the Old Country Barbeque Wrangler II offset smoker, which is the same dimensions as the Wrangler I with one less meat tray and a smaller gauge metal on the lid (also $200 cheaper). So, I get this beast home (it isn't HUGE, but it is still kinda bulky and a couple hundred pounds) and figure I am going to smoke something for labor day (which was the next day). Keep in mind, that I really don't know a whole lot about smoking at this point so coming up with a big meal on the smoker to feed some relatives the next day is something of an uncertain proposition.
I came home from the store with a brisket, some baby back ribs and some catfish (had some in a restaurant once that I really liked). After reading on the internet about my grill and smoking in general for about four hours, I was totally overwhelmed about how to proceed with my first smoking session. Best to just get to it as if I wanted it to be ready on the morror I was quickly running out of time.
So it turns out you are supposed to season a grill of this sort, just like you would with cast-iron. As I mentioned above, I was running out of time, so I had to rush through this step. I got the temperature up to around 300 and applied some vegetable oil all over the smoking chamber and let it cook for around 2 hours while I seasoned the meat with a dry rub. Then I let the temperature float down to around 225 and put my stuff on. Apparently one of the number one rules is to NOT PEAK AT THE MEAT, so from around 9PM to around 2 AM every 30-40 minutes I would go outside to check the temperatures and it drove me about mad to not open the door to look at the stuff. At 2AM, I added a little extra wood and went to sleep. At 6, I woke to resume checking every 30-40 minutes or so.
I pulled everything off at around 11AM, packed it all up and headed over to our labor day gathering. For a first attempt at smoking, I would say it was fair. The brisket tasted ok, but I probably could have trimmed it better as there was too much fat on it. The ribs were also just ok. The catfish which went on that morning probably didn't get enough smoke because they were rather bland. All told, my first smoke could use some work.
Attempt two was four boston butts (they were on sale for .99/lb) and two racks of baby backs. I woke up at like 5AM to get the smoker started because a friend was coming over to commandeer my television to watch football (not my thing, but what are friends for), and I wanted the ribs to be ready by lunchtime. I was better armed with actual pecan logs rather than the chips you buy in the grocery and I got started. At some point, when I added wood, I let the temperature get away from me and the smoker spent some period of time close to 300 degrees in the middle of the smoke. This caused the ribs to be overdone and the butts to have too thick of a crust on them. It wasn't a complete loss, but I knew I could do better.
Attempt three was this past weekend. I went to the grocery armed with my trusty sales flyer and bought some of the meat on-sale, a whole chicken, 2 whole catfish, 2 racks of pork spare ribs and a package of turkey necks. To prepare, I brined the chicken and turkey necks for about 12 hours (catfish for about an hour) and seasoned up the ribs and got to it. I was able to keep the temperature down this time. The ribs tasted really good, but they weren't quite done. I pulled them off early because I was afraid of overdoing them so they weren't quite as tender as they should have been. They were also a bit salty probably because I used a little too much seasoning on them, but they were my best showing yet and I enjoyed them. The catfish were AWESOME and I will definitely be doing more of them. The turkey necks must have gotten too much heat, because they were leathery on the surface and waaay tough otherwise, decent flavor though. They will go into the stock pot to become part of a stew. The chicken came out moist and tender, but not as smokey as I would have liked.
So after three smokes, I have learned that I have ALOT to learn. First, I need to invest in a thermometer with probes that go into the meat while smoking so that I can monitor the temperature without opening the lid. The thermometer on the pit itself is more of a guide and not indicative of temperatures throughout the smoker. Second, I need to fine tune the performance of the smoker with tuning plates. These are bars of steel that are positioned to influence the temperature and smoke currents so that the temperature on one side of the smoker is the same as the other. I didn't realize just how much of a fine art smoking really is. I also didn't realize that purchasing the smoker is really only a first investment. The good thermometers can be expensive and if the smoker leaks at all, you have to buy gaskets AND if you don't want it to rust out, you have to buy a cover for it AND AND I should look into an insulating blanket to keep the temperature in the chamber stable AND AND AND...OY VEY it never ends!!! I seem to have blundered my way into a full-blown hobby.
Hopefully with a little more practice, I will be turning out edible works of art. I would love to hear anyone else's experience with smoking meat...recipes, tips/tricks, war stories etc...
Hugs,
Julie
@JulieAllana Dear Julie:Thank you for your posting.
Wow, you describing all of this meat being smoked in your new Smoker is making my mouth water.
Just who is going to eat all of this delicious sounding food that you are preparing? ???.... please tell me when dinner will be served!!!!!
I know from several friends that there is a "secret" to proper seasoning of the meat and how it is smoked or cooked.... I tend to be a cheap date, hamburgers or steaks on my gas grill works for me but I am willing to upgrade my standards and my tastes.
Thanks again for your detail descriptions of your 3 various "attempts" in your learning curve with your new Smoker.
Oh, and no pictures??? ???
Thanks again for your informative and mouth watering posting....
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle
I'm driving myself crazy over here. Have had an endo letter for almost 2 weeks now and I still have to wait to start. One more trip to the fertility clinic (Monday) then I can start. I was hoping the past one would be the last, but one more. They have each been 4 days apart and 4 days in the future seems like an eternity now. Of course, the time will fly by, but here in the moment four days seems like forever.
So there is that. Then I have been trying to make myself walk out the door for the last hour to go to the gym. I keep stalling. I am dressed and ready to go, but can't quite make myself leave. If I wait long enough, it will be too late to go. I wanna hit 200 by Monday when I hope to start HRT which should be lighting a fire under me. Once I get in the car, all of the procrastinating goes away...must...make...it...to...car.
Anyone have trouble motivating themselves in this fashion? When I had more weight to lose, I was rushing out the door to go work out. How do I recapture that flame?
Stymied,
Julie
@JulieAllana Dear Julie:Losing weight is similar to most other endeavors that take willpower and termination and for sure the desired results are not achieved rapidly which can erode your motivation. Basically motivation comes by seeing small results that will encourage us to continue on.
As in the case of weight loss, when the scales indicate that little by little the pounds are coming off there comes a point that it gets rather exciting to get to weight goals that are significant and then the motivation becomes much greater.... and on and on... it's like an avalanche, it can build and build.
Regarding HRT, lose as much weight as you possibly can BEFORE you start HRT. I am sorry that you are experiencing delays in getting started..... I am sure that is very frustrating to you, it would be to me for sure.
Wishing you well, and wishing you the best....
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: JulieAllana on September 26, 2018, 10:14:24 PM
I'm driving myself crazy over here. Have had an endo letter for almost 2 weeks now and I still have to wait to start. One more trip to the fertility clinic (Monday) then I can start. I was hoping the past one would be the last, but one more. They have each been 4 days apart and 4 days in the future seems like an eternity now. Of course, the time will fly by, but here in the moment four days seems like forever.
So there is that. Then I have been trying to make myself walk out the door for the last hour to go to the gym. I keep stalling. I am dressed and ready to go, but can't quite make myself leave. If I wait long enough, it will be too late to go. I wanna hit 200 by Monday when I hope to start HRT which should be lighting a fire under me. Once I get in the car, all of the procrastinating goes away...must...make...it...to...car.
Anyone have trouble motivating themselves in this fashion? When I had more weight to lose, I was rushing out the door to go work out. How do I recapture that flame?
Stymied,
Julie
Alright Julie, I am here on your thread only to find you procrastinating? What's up with that, girl? Get your tailend up off that couch and get out the door to the gym.! Do it, do it , Now! git
Hugs,
Laurie
Are you still here? get up and get going!
Smoker here. I use a charcoal smoker with flavored wood. The trick is to have a slow fire that burns for a long time. Baby back ribs are about 6 hour project and pork loin are a good 8 hours to get them tender. Brisket would probably be around 10 hours however I haven't tried it because I have a good oven recipe for it that works every time.
If your using charcoal there is a trick. If you fill the pan with unlit charcoal then place a few lit chucks in one corner. It will take most of the smoking time for the fire to burn from one side of the pan to the other and it will provide a constant source of heat.
Quote from: Laurie on September 26, 2018, 10:37:12 PM
Are you still here? get up and get going!
I made it. By the time you posted, I was on the stairmaster. I usually just do the ellipital, but I am going on a hiking trip with a friend in a couple of weeks and I need to practice going uphill. Thanks for the encouragement!
Quote from: Dena on September 27, 2018, 12:14:31 AM
Baby back ribs are about 6 hour project and pork loin are a good 8 hours to get them tender. Brisket would probably be around 10 hours however I haven't tried it because I have a good oven recipe for it that works every time.
Yeah, my last ribs were only on for about 5 hours. I had some of the left-overs yesterday and while not quite as tender as they should have been, the flavor was spot on. I want to try pork chops. Any luck there? So far I have used pecan and hickory, but the hickory batch was my first attempt and I don't think I did such a great job, so I am not so sure I should use it to judge the taste by. I am trying to find a good source for logs that isn't too expensive.
I like your trick with the charcoal. I haven't used briquettes, but the naturally made charcoal with wood chips, but have also used the pecan logs. I'll have to try it the way you suggested.
This weekend I am going to do some more catfish and ribs and maybe some fresh sausage that is on sale at the grocery this week. Any suggestions for sausage?
Thanks,
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on September 27, 2018, 12:38:02 AM
I made it. By the time you posted, I was on the stairmaster. I usually just do the ellipital, but I am going on a hiking trip with a friend in a couple of weeks and I need to practice going uphill. Thanks for the encouragement!
@JulieAllana Haha Excellent!! Keep going Julie
Sonja.
Hello again Julie
Always nice to read your updates.
I am sorry you have had these delays but glad you made it to the gym and are losing weight.
Good luck on Monday October 1st with final fertility clinic appointment and hoping you may then start HRT.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: JulieAllana on September 27, 2018, 12:45:50 AM
Yeah, my last ribs were only on for about 5 hours. I had some of the left-overs yesterday and while not quite as tender as they should have been, the flavor was spot on. I want to try pork chops. Any luck there? So far I have used pecan and hickory, but the hickory batch was my first attempt and I don't think I did such a great job, so I am not so sure I should use it to judge the taste by. I am trying to find a good source for logs that isn't too expensive.
I like your trick with the charcoal. I haven't used briquettes, but the naturally made charcoal with wood chips, but have also used the pecan logs. I'll have to try it the way you suggested.
This weekend I am going to do some more catfish and ribs and maybe some fresh sausage that is on sale at the grocery this week. Any suggestions for sausage?
Thanks,
Julie
Low, slow temperature with a moist environment will tenderize meat so if you dealing with with a tough cut of meat, you want the longer time. Thick cut pork chops would probably take 6-8 hours and you probably shouldn't experiment with thin cut. I use mesquite mostly because it's a plentiful and I like the somewhat milder taste that it provides. Hickory has a relatively strong taste and tends to go better with something like beef that has a strong taste of it's own. One of the really good things is rock cornish game hens. Rub them with garlic powder and salt, put some butter in and on them and cook then with mesquite. The meat will have a pinkish color because of the smoking process but the test for doneness is the legs or wings will pull off easily.
If your using wood chips as the smoke wood, soak them in water overnight. That will slow the burn process and extend the time they flavor the meat. If you have wood chucks, you don't need to soak them but it doesn't hurt.
Thanks for the tips.
So, I just got done another smoke run today. Yesterday I ran on down to restaurant depot and picked up some whole catfish. Much cheaper there than the grocery by like 1/2. I also had 2 racks of spare ribs that were on sale this past week. I went and invested in a thermometer too. I found one at Wal-Mart that has 4 probes for only $20. It doesn't have all of the nifty features like Bluetooth to your smartphone, but for an entry level thermometer, 4 probes @ $20 isn't too bad. I put a probe each in the ribs and one on the left and one on the right side of the pit.
I found out that there is a HUGE difference in temperature between the left and right sides of the pit. At times today, the difference was like 100 degrees. Good thing I put the catfish on the cooler side as they aren't supposed to cook as high. From what I have been reading in smoker forums about this smoker is that I should use some steel bar stock under my grill to control the air/smoke currents which will let me equalize the temperature between the left and right. I might also add a rack at the top of the smoker like the more expensive model of my smoker has, but that is a project for another day.
For the moistness, I have a bowl of water in the fire chamber that keeps the humidity level up. When I put my hand over the smoke stack, you can feel the humidity coming off of it. Is there a specific humidity range you should shoot for?
Anyway, the catfish this time were still good, but probably got too much smoke. I think the temperature on that side was a little too low so they had to cook longer. The ribs, even though they cooked for 6 hours this time just aren't as tender as I think they should be. The I pulled them off at 6 hours when the temperature probe read 165.
So, I have been snacking on bbq and other tidbits around the house all day and I am about to pop. I would say it's time to go take a nap, but too much stuff to do.
Happy smokin'
Julie
Just don't let the pan run dry. The moisture will help prevent the gases from getting to hot and the moisture will help keep the food from drying out. For the most part you don't need to target a specific number.
My smoking is done with a Brinkman Sportsman smoker which is a vertical smoker. The bottom pan contains the fire, the next pan contains the water. On top the water is the first grill and there is another grill near the top. It will hold 8 Cornish game hens and with a special rack, I can get about 6 sides of pork ribs in it. You don't really need an expensive smoker to do a good job but you might have a little better control with one.
So, today is probably the day...HRT. My last trip to the fertility clinic is at 10:30 and then I plan on filling the prescription. I have mixed feelings about starting, but am mutably eager. It is strange, the eagerness seems to be at a below conscious level, buried deep down. It is what has been moving forward. My conscious thoughts and emotions are all over the place. Such is the nature of the repression I have lived with my entire live. It is still active and trying to make sense of what is going on with me, but there are some doors that once opened just can't be closed.
Anyway, hopefully soon I will be able to start posting HRT updates. ;)
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on October 01, 2018, 08:51:43 AM
So, today is probably the day...HRT. My last trip to the fertility clinic is at 10:30 and then I plan on filling the prescription. I have mixed feelings about starting, but am mutably eager. It is strange, the eagerness seems to be at a below conscious level, buried deep down. It is what has been moving forward. My conscious thoughts and emotions are all over the place. Such is the nature of the repression I have lived with my entire live. It is still active and trying to make sense of what is going on with me, but there are some doors that once opened just can't be closed.
Anyway, hopefully soon I will be able to start posting HRT updates. ;)
Julie
I have been waiting on this day. I'm so happy for you Julie and I cant wait for the updates!
Hugs,
Chelsea
Just called in my prescription over the phone and gave them my insurance information. I'll get a txt when they are ready to pick up. I'm so nervous. I can feel all of these emotions swirling around in my sub-conscious.
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on October 01, 2018, 12:01:41 PM
Just called in my prescription over the phone and gave them my insurance information. I'll get a txt when they are ready to pick up. I'm so nervous. I can feel all of these emotions swirling around in my sub-conscious.
Julie
@JulieAllana Dear Julie: Just wait for your own elation when you pop those pills into your mouth for the very first time.... hang on for a very exciting ride.... it will have it's ups and downs, frustrations, disappointments and successes for sure, but over time you will look back at it all with fondness and happiness that you took this first big step.
Mark this day down in your personal journal as your very first major milestone in your journey. As most of us have done, you then can celebrate HRT anniversaries in the future... Happy times ahead.
We will all be eagerly following your updates.....
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Just got back from the pharmacy. Getting back into my truck, I couldn't help feeling a wave of sadness come over me. I mean, my bouts of dysphoria haven't come about by way of me hating being a man, but instead of intermittent intense desires to be a woman. Being a man isn't that awful and I tried to be a good one, and I think I was/am/are a good one. Picking up this prescription marks me having to consciously let go of that man and I have this feeling of loss. Just like whenever I sell a vehicle that I have driven for a long time, I am sad to see it go. I am never getting rid of it because I hate it, but because it is time for something new.
First thing I do when I get home is to grab the prescriptions and read all the disclosures that come with them. Who does that? Then after that, down the hatch. I have officially started Hormone Replacement Therapy in pursuit of a medical transition to the female gender. Typing that just now seemed so momentous, the keyboard button presses like thunder. Interesting times indeed...
Scared but committed,
Julie
Congrats Julie,
Taking your first dose of HRT is momentous. I'd wager just about everyone that has made the decision to transition remembers their first dose. I remember mine. I too did not really hate being a man. Never really felt the classic "woman trapped in a man's body" Yet I was eager to start my transition. I knew it was the thing I wanted to do. It was something I wished I could do almost all my life. I dressed when I could and I grew up knowing it was wrong and shameful. But I could not stop and I loved it. But I hated myself for doing it and for not being able to stop. A doctor now would attribute this to gender dysphoria but It was unknown at the time. This self hate had many negative effects in my life. And I disliked myself even more. When I discovered that I was transgender I took steps to transition. I had nothing left to stop me except my daughter and my grand children. I lost them too because I chose to transition. It almost killed me but I was not going to stop. becoming a woman was the one thing I always wanted and could never have. I still hurt from their rejection but I am now happier than I ever have been and I'm told I am a nicer person for it.
I wish you a happy transition that is everything you ever wanted. Transition is not an easy road.
Hugs,
Laurie
Congratulations Julie on starting HRT as intended yesterday. You'll remember taking the first tablets forever!
Enjoy the rollercoaster ride!
I wish you every happiness on your transition journey.
Hugs
Pamela
Congrats Julie! I'm am so happy for you! Keep us up to date girl.
Hugs,
Chelsea
Ok. I figured I would write an update since starting HRT. After one week on HRT, there are no discernible differences in any way. I know that its different for everyone and its only been a week so no real worries here, I just thought that emotionally I might be able to detect some kind of difference. I am not concerned really about physical changes at this point as I would want emotional changes to precede them.
I guess the reason this is even really worth bringing up is that HRT for me is just another continuation of the transgender diagnosis, that is, seeing how well I respond to it and how it makes me feel as a means of affirming that this is the right path for me. Just feeling the same is frustrating (yes yes, I know too soon).
Does anyone know how HRT works in the body? Is it something that ramps up and accumulates slowly or is it more real-time?
Julie
@JulieAllana Dear Julie:This is certainly an exciting report at you ONE WEEK mark of HRT... you are correct, way too soon to experience much change other than your excitiment and anticipation.... at ONE month you will certain start feeling changes particuarly in your nipples and breasts... soreness, lumps (breast buds) forming under the nipples and in my case my nipples were very erect and sensitive most of the time.... then at 3 months into HRT most transitioners will start seeing things happening more significantly and at a quicker rate including possibly changes in body hair growth, your own body and urine smell, changes in
erections becoming less intense, libido, etc.
The transition journey is indeed exciting. As has been stated over and over here on the Forums on various posts, HRT will work uniquely in your own unique body. What you read about other transitioning members experiences with HRT most likely
will not be identical to your own experiences.
The adage that you have probably already heard regarding HRT and how it may work for various individuals is "YMMV" meaning that
Your Mileage May Vary.
Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and then some will experience less significant changes more slowly.... it is all up to your genes and how your body reacts to the HRT.
PATIENCE is definitely required.... usually not much happens very quickly with HRT... but changes will happen.
Without a doubt this can be very "EXCITING and SCARY all at the same time." One needs to hang on for an amazing ride. Some of my best and most appreciated and dramatic body changes happened to me at about the 5 or 6 month point and through the start of year #2 of my HRT journey.
Even though I was able to very successfully pass before I went full-time... when I did go full-time at the 1 1/2 year mark I had been passing 100% of the time. Of course that is just my own personal experience, I suppose I can thank my unique body makeup and my genes for all that.
You will not see dramatic changes on a daily or weekly basis. I found that by taking my photo once a month that when compared with previous monthly photos, the changes were quite noticeable and very motivating.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
Wishing you well, and I will be eagerly following your transition progress toward your goal.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle
Congratulations on starting HRT! One week is probably not a long enough time to feel anything. Some folks do, but I think most don't.
For me, there was no "SHAZAM!!" moment. The emotional changes gradually snuck up on me over a month or two. After a while, I realized that I had a positive outlook on life like I had never had before. I just felt good about who I was. The before and after are quite different, like night and day, but there was no point that I can identify where it "happened". Unlike boob growth, which I know started about 10 days in.
So, if you are expecting a sudden revelation, you may be disappointed. But stay in touch with your overall mood. After a while, you wil likely notice a difference from the way you were before.
Two weeks (yesterday) on HRT. Still nothing to report there. We'll see what the next week brings.
Still bouncing around in my head what it means to be whatever it is I am...Transgender I pretty sure, but the feelings are just all over the place...STILL.
Went on a hiking trip this past weekend up in the Ouachita national forest near Mena, Arkansas with an old co-worker from about 10 years ago that I still keep in touch with. I went in boy mode and didn't feel totally horrible. It makes me think if I don't feel awful parading around as a boy, then why the hell am I so intent on becoming a woman? I feel like a mosquito drawn to a bright light, but I can't quite see the light for some reason. Anyway, I tried all weekend to tell him that I am trans and that I am transitioning, and I just couldn't figure out how to get it out.
The trip itself was cool even though it rained just about the whole time we were hiking. The rain let up in the evening on the first night, so we got to enjoy a camp fire and it was fun preparing our freeze-dried meals that I made. We were going to do a bit of day hiking from our base camp on the second day, but since it was forecasted to rain all through the night, we just packed out early. We did get a little bit of exploring in that morning though. We got back to the car around 5 and then embarked on our 7 hour drive home.
The day after the trip is when my calves started complaining. For me the going up part of the hike was easy, it was the going down that was hardest on my knees and calves. I guess in the course of daily life and routine work outs that you just don't use the same muscles as when you are going down a trail.
Anyone here do any hiking? I would like to plan something up in the white or green mountains (New Hampshire and Vermont) for the spring or early summer. My old co-worker friend considered our hike difficult when I think it would have been best to describe it as moderate at worst. I want to go somewhere where you get above the tree line for a better view. I used to do a good bit of hiking in that region as a teenager and I'm not getting any younger over here!
Hugz,
Julie
@JulieAllana Dear Julie:
At 2 weeks it is still a little early to expect much change happening from HRT, but perhaps within the next two weeks you will start feeling things happening in your nipples... tingling, sensitivity, little lumps starting to form under the nipples... and in my case my nipples became erect for most of the day... to the point that I thought that they were going to poke holes in my shirts.... double layers of loose shirts will hide that if you want to be in boy-mode, but if in girl-mode, proudly display poking out under your shirts and tops.
Oh yeah, for sure I do a lot of hiking up here where I live but way too cold now and the snow line is creeping lower and lower making hiking nearly impossible. In the summer I regularly hike up beyond the tree line and up to the always present snow line, even in the summer.
Somewhere on my thread, in my summer postings there will be some of my hiking photos if you can find them among the plethora of postings and reply comments.
Hey, good news about your calves hurting... no pain, no gain. This is good for your weight loss program... burn those calories!!!
Thank you for your update and sharing with all of your followers,
Hugs,
Danielle
I did have a little bit of tingling and erect nipples last week, though I attributed that more to excitement over the hormones than the hormones themselves, but maybe...
I have seen your pics of you hiking (I follow your hunted prey thread pretty closely). I will try to get a couple of mine up. I have one at the trailhead and one near a cool little waterfall we found. It was a little cold for swimming even though I was tempted and I am sure my co-worker would have had some questions about my painted nails ;). I guess that would have been one way to let the cat out of the bag.
Quote from: JulieAllana on October 16, 2018, 10:04:32 PM
I did have a little bit of tingling and erect nipples last week, though I attributed that more to excitement over the hormones than the hormones themselves, but maybe...
I have seen your pics of you hiking (I follow your hunted prey thread pretty closely). I will try to get a couple of mine up. I have one at the trailhead and one near a cool little waterfall we found. It was a little cold for swimming even though I was tempted and I am sure my co-worker would have had some questions about my painted nails ;). I guess that would have been one way to let the cat out of the bag.
@JulieAllana Dear Julie:
ha ha ha.... yes, certainly your painted nails will give you a chance to explain and come out to your co-worker.
Perhaps you might want to consider using that method to find an excuse to expose your secret.
Once you come out to one person it becomes easier and easier each time that you do it. It will be like a big weight is lifted off of your shoulders when you finally do come out to everyone and you can start enjoying living your life more freely.
Hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: JulieAllana on October 16, 2018, 09:45:36 PM
Anyone here do any hiking? I would like to plan something up in the white or green mountains (New Hampshire and Vermont) for the spring or early summer. My old co-worker friend considered our hike difficult when I think it would have been best to describe it as moderate at worst. I want to go somewhere where you get above the tree line for a better view. I used to do a good bit of hiking in that region as a teenager and I'm not getting any younger over here!
Hugz,
Julie
I do some hiking and I did a lot of hiking in the White Mointains as a child. Hiking in New Hampshire is so wonderful. So many great hikes all within a small area and there are some areas you can go where it really feels like wilderness.
Quote from: sarahc on October 17, 2018, 05:26:54 AM
I do some hiking and I did a lot of hiking in the White Mointains as a child. Hiking in New Hampshire is so wonderful. So many great hikes all within a small area and there are some areas you can go where it really feels like wilderness.
Yeah, tons of great experiences there. The only drawback of the trails I went on was no campfires, stoves only, but I can live with that. So many amazing memories.
So, I need to figure out a way to train for the down part of the hikes, because training for the up parts I apparently have down.
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on October 17, 2018, 06:10:10 AM
So, I need to figure out a way to train for the down part of the hikes, because training for the up parts I apparently have down.
Julie
Yes! I have found that on long hikes down is harder than up. Maybe for training, going up and down steps at a high school football stadium? That's the best I can think of...
Quote from: JulieAllana on October 17, 2018, 06:10:10 AM
So, I need to figure out a way to train for the down part of the hikes, because training for the up parts I apparently have down.
I think the only way to train those muscles is to do a lot of downhill hiking. Uphill uses the same muscles as walking, so those are usually in good shape. Downhill uses muscles that you don't use for anything else.
An extendable hiking pole helps, especially on downhills. You make it a little longer for downhill and plant is ahead of where you will step. That makes your arm share some of the load.
In my younger days, I used to do a lot of hiking in the Canadian Rockies.
Yes, I had a hiking pole and it definitely helped. I would have had two, but I lent one out to my compatriot.
@JulieAllanaDear Julie:Wishing you a very
HAPPY BIRTHDAY :icon_birthday:
What are your plans for your special day ???
Hugs.
DanielleNOTE: No updates on your thread here for 2 weeks???? !!! :( :o
Your followers are a curious bunch, we want to follow!!!
Heyas,
Birthday isn't for a couple of weeks. I don't have any plans currently, but generally go out with some family for dinner. As I am loathe to pay homage to getting closer to death and the inexorable deterioration of my body, I generally don't personally celebrate it too much, but time with family and a being treated to a nice meal is always appreciated.
Yeah, has it really been two weeks since I updated!? Sheesh, where does the time go! More of that "getting older", feh! So, not much has gone on life-wise in the last two weeks. Just immersed in work.
Actually, now that I think about it, I did have a good day with my son last weekend. He is really into WWII history and we went to the local gun show where he got to see some vintage rifles. He was so excited at being there that he could hardly contain himself. We haven't historically had the best relationship due to some significant parenting conflicts between me and his mother and the fact that he was a difficult child to begin with. He isn't currently living with me and with him being a teenager, he isn't really interested in spending time with mom and "dad" so it was a nice day. Also, he wants to go camping, so hopefully in a week or so we can go do that together.
I have gained a few pounds. Kinda annoying, but not a HUGE deal at this point. What is something that I am more worried about is WHY. Well, obviously I have been eating too much...I have been freakin' VORACIOUS the last couple of weeks and am craving food even when my stomach is absolutely FULL and willpower that has been a given for the last 10 months has all but evaporated. I am not even eating junk food, just WAAAY too much (what I would consider) healthy food. I didn't work so hard losing over 100 pounds to just gain it back, so I need to wrap my head around this. My therapist said, estrogen....
On the topic of estrogen, as of Monday (1 month), still not really anything to report. No real changes in body or emotion/feelings. I kinda thought that by now I would feel something different, but nope...nada. Now, as of last night, and seemingly overnight, I have noticed my skin is a little bit softer. It wasn't the day before when I shaved my legs, but it was last night...go figure.
I still struggle with defining the exact nature of being trans and transitioning. There are so many considerations that I know are going on "under the hood" in my subconscious that are affecting me without even realizing it. I think about the coming physical changes and am both excited and ambivalent. I am wanting to live as a woman, but don't want to come out to the rest of my family and work. I mean, I do, but I don't...some of you can probably relate. Being out in public seems like a farce. No matter how many people at the two support groups I go to tell me I look good, I can't in my head figure how anyone doesn't see me and instantly see a freak. Suffice to say, I am not up to being out in public in general, but it is definitely easier when out with other trans people.
Since I don't have extreme dysphoria about my body, sometimes I wonder if I am really trans and if I could just not transition. When I think about that though, I always pretty quickly dismiss that thought and then I second guess my dismissing it. I wind up just running in circles in my head about the whole thing. In the mean time, I just keep taking my meds and hope it all works itself out.
Back to the topic of getting older. Going on that hiking trip a few weeks ago has really reminded me how much I enjoy it and I want to plan a more ambitious trip somewhere where there are better views to be had. Of course, that will require more travel and more expense since in Louisiana, I am not anywhere close to real mountains. Maybe something in the late spring/early summer. I just need to rope a few compatriots into it and get to planning!
ANYWAY, thanks for reading...Hugz!
Julie
The weight thing and being hungry , with you on that one dear as have put on 3+ lb when I was off work and some more after returning . Hows that work as been working hard for the last week?? Dinner time soon , its home made chicken jelfrazie !!!!
So, even while I pigged out today, at least I made it to the gym. I actually rode my bike to the gym, did my hour on the elliptical and then rode home. I can really feel it in the knees. I am really happy to have gone to the gym and I just need to figure out how to keep up the motivation.
While I was on the elliptical, I was looking at one of the televisions displaying some pretty woman and I got to thinking about being trans and wanting to be a woman and wanting to be good looking, or at least not bad looking. I started to wonder what the whole point of wanting to be attractive is. I mean, biologically wouldn't it have to do with attracting a mate? So where does that leave me, as trans and not being attracted to men, who would I be making myself attractive for and what is the point really...kinda like getting dressed up with nowhere to go. The line of thinking leads me to down a sort of nihilistic road; thinking that all of this is really kind of arbitrary and doesn't really matter...it is just societal norms at work. If women dressed up in giant chiquita banana suits, I guess I would be trying to figure out if I wanted to do that! HAHA! Anyway, just my crazy thoughts from the elliptical.
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on November 01, 2018, 11:44:43 PM
So, even while I pigged out today, at least I made it to the gym. I actually rode my bike to the gym, did my hour on the elliptical and then rode home. I can really feel it in the knees. I am really happy to have gone to the gym and I just need to figure out how to keep up the motivation.
While I was on the elliptical, I was looking at one of the televisions displaying some pretty woman and I got to thinking about being trans and wanting to be a woman and wanting to be good looking, or at least not bad looking. I started to wonder what the whole point of wanting to be attractive is. I mean, biologically wouldn't it have to do with attracting a mate? So where does that leave me, as trans and not being attracted to men, who would I be making myself attractive for and what is the point really...kinda like getting dressed up with nowhere to go. The line of thinking leads me to down a sort of nihilistic road; thinking that all of this is really kind of arbitrary and doesn't really matter...it is just societal norms at work. If women dressed up in giant chiquita banana suits, I guess I would be trying to figure out if I wanted to do that! HAHA! Anyway, just my crazy thoughts from the elliptical.
Julie
I've wondered about this too. As a guy, i didn't really care about my appearance too much. But as I start transitioning, I'm a bit obsessed about becoming pretty. And I'm not sure if that's about passing, about fitting in with other women (many of whom set standards and judge) or about attracting a mate.
But it's not clear to me whether it's just a social thing or if there is an innate want to just care about my appearance much more than I used to. The thing is...i actually enjoy this new obsession about looking good...trying on clothes, exploring hairstyles. I'm starting to understand why women care about this stuff...because it's kinda fun. I'm still getting head wrapped around this...but going into this, I was not looking forward to making beauty a part of my life. Now I actually like it.
Quote from: JulieAllana on November 01, 2018, 11:44:43 PMI started to wonder what the whole point of wanting to be attractive is. I mean, biologically wouldn't it have to do with attracting a mate? So where does that leave me, as trans and not being attracted to men, who would I be making myself attractive for and what is the point really...kinda like getting dressed up with nowhere to go.
I am in a similar position: I have no desire to attract men. In fact, I have no desire to attract women either, since I am already married to the best one. So why do I want to look pretty?
If it is not for the benefit of anyone else, then it must be for ... ME!
We are raised to have a puritanical abhorrence towards being good to ourselves. Which is kind of messed-up, when you think about it. Learning to be kind to ourselves is a good thing, and a necessary skill on this journey of ours. What could be kinder than to be able to look in the mirror and like who we see?
The person that I am, that I struggled to hide for 60 years, and who is now emerging from my cocoon, likes to be pretty. There is no more reason required than that. It requires no more justification than the fact that I like brussels sprouts or chocolate.
@JulieAllana
Well beauty is always subjective, but there are some things that seem to be part of a natural selection process that move along to become beauty IE being a healthy weight is like all creatures optimal for survival and then also attracting a mate. For humans a slender figure is this but we (media) have become almost obsessive about it.
Take also a woman who's interest is to attract a rich male (cliche I know but) in her pursuit to follow all the norms and standards of beauty if she is successful in marrying that pursuit then she is also doing it for her 'survival' - or at least her well being. One reason for some people to get up and do it..
Enough of that anyway because.....I'm in NZ right next to the dateline and its telling me...
its your BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIE! :icon_birthday:
Hope you have a great day,
Take care,
Sonja.
Thank you! You beat Danielle to it (well sorta). Ahhh, another year older...BLEGH, hehe. Just another reminder that I have to seize the day.
I've been meaning to post, but my heart just hasn't been in it lately. I've been feeling mostly blah lately and have been eating my woes away. So then I feel bad about eating too much and then eat more to feel better...HAH! TAKE THAT common sense. Trying to get back on track though. I guess I have only failed when I stop trying. I don't know where my motivation has gone? I was going to the gym every night and not eating was easy and now it is immensely difficult to do either. I am craving food even when my stomach is quite full. I am just hoping that this is just a little phase I am going through.
In other news, a little over 6 weeks on HRT. I still can't really tell the difference with anything at this point. I don't really feel different, and there are really no physical changes to note. My skin might be a little bit softer but I am not too sure and I might have lost a little bit of strength, but again, I am not sure.
Still trying to find myself and figure out exactly who I am. I also have moments when I see myself in the mirror and am just totally unhappy with what I see and then there are times when I think there might be hope. I guess deep down though while I am hopeful I will look good, I don't really think that I will. Maybe that is what all of the blah and overeating is about. If I can just tread water long enough until I figure it out or the hormones work some kind of miracle. If only I were 25-30 years younger but living in this day and age. Ahh well, no sense spending much thought on that. I'll play the cards I've got.
Thanks!
Julie
So haven't been around Susan's in the last few weeks. I have been meaning to, but like so much else in my life right about now I am saying "BLAH". It's hard to get motivated to do anything and I am kindof wayward right now just sorta feeling my way through each day. Seems like I wake up, go to work go home, read some news then go to sleep then repeat.
I am about 2 months on HRT and I still can't feel any real differences in the way I feel. Physically I am pretty sure my skin is getting softer and there is some random tingly-ness around my breasts...no pain though.
Julie
@JulieAllana Dear Julie: Thank you for your update.... continue to have patience, HRT does not usually work very quickly but it will do it's job as you continue on. At the 2 month point in your HRT, yes you should perhaps feel some things going on in your breasts... in the next few months you may start experiencing more significant changes at a faster pace. This is becoming an exciting time for you in your transition journey.
I will definitively be looking for your next updates with more news about your experieinces....
Thank you for sharing with all of us that are following your thread.
Please keep your updates coming as you are so led.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
DanielleQuote from: JulieAllana on December 05, 2018, 07:59:09 PM
So haven't been around Susan's in the last few weeks. I have been meaning to, but like so much else in my life right about now I am saying "BLAH". It's hard to get motivated to do anything and I am kindof wayward right now just sorta feeling my way through each day. Seems like I wake up, go to work go home, read some news then go to sleep then repeat.
I am about 2 months on HRT and I still can't feel any real differences in the way I feel. Physically I am pretty sure my skin is getting softer and there is some random tingly-ness around my breasts...no pain though.
Julie
Oh wow, how has it been two and a half weeks since I posted last!? Life is screaming by in a blur and it's even worse with the holidays approaching. I can't believe that Christmas is just a few days away. I am coming up to almost a year since I started transitioning (Jan. 4th) and I don't know where the time has gone. I was in such a rush to get this production in motion, full of certainty. While the certainty aspect of my journey has fluctuated wildly, my path has stayed true, in large part to the lovely lasses (and some lads) on Susan's.
I have been determined to figure out where this path leads, knowing that at any time I could opt to turn around. While I haven't yet been tempted to turn around, I have certainly had my fair share of questioning my feelings and second guessing just about every thought that I have had on the matter. I know that the trans road is different for us all and I never had extreme body dysphoria or hated being a man, but femininity has beckoned my whole life. I would examine my circumstances and wonder, "can I be trans if I never hated my male form?" There are countless inconsistencies about how I behave and live my life as it pertains to being trans and then there are things and memories from my past that only make sense if I am trans. For like six months it was like this, questioning EVERYTHING and wondering if I was on the right path.
I started HRT at the beginning of October which puts me at almost three months. I started with the intention of seeing how it would make me feel. I still don't have a really definitive answer to that. Any changes in my emotional state have been subtle if at all. I am starting to notice some physical changes. As previously mentioned, my skin is softer and I get glimpses of myself in the mirror that seem vaguely more feminine. This makes me happy and usually brings a smile to my face. My therapist also mentioned that she thought that my face looked more feminine. The other day I was in the shower and I looked down at what were some resilient man-boobs that didn't really go away when I lost weight and they seemed a bit less man-boobish and a bit more woman-boobish. This also brought a smile to my face and I felt a rush of mirth.
It occurs to me that if I wasn't on the road I was supposed to be on, I wouldn't be quite so happy about it. If only this transition could happen in a vacuum...exit your life for awhile, make all these changes and then reintroduce yourself as the new you. The apprehension of having to tell people (especially those I have known for a long time) is at this point probably my number one stressor. I am extremely nervous about work in particular. I don't expect the earth to crack open and swallow me whole when I come out at work, but my team is all guys and there have been off-color remarks before about transgendered people. Nothing really malicious...more grounded in a lack of understanding and an inability to relate (you want to cut off WHAT??!!). The concept would be SO FOREIGN to a cis person that I can understand where they are coming from.
The other thing I worry about is my appearance. I am a tall, broad hulk of a person. Fear of how I would look is probably the biggest thing that kept me from coming to terms with being trans. I know that everyone's outcome varies, but it was me finding before/afters of good outcomes for similarly framed people that allowed me to open Pandora's box. At this point, I consider myself committed to finding out how it will all turn out, but it still scares the >-bleeped-< out of me that I will be the freakish object of ridicule from all who gaze upon me.
I went out for coffee with two other trans-women last week after a support group meeting. The waitress, besides being awesome, gendered us all correctly and treated us like ladies, but I just felt like it was all a facade. What a site we all must have been. I am always so self-conscious when I go out and I feel like people are staring at me. Despite any compliments that I might get on my appearance at support groups, I still feel like I look bad...those people are SUPPOSED to affirm you and tell you you look good. It's kinda like how a mom is always going to dote on the appearance of her child. I could never really take my mom seriously when she would tell me I looked handsome growing up, it's like, "MOM, you're SUPPOSED to say that!" I digress...
Anyway, another day/week/month gone by and ever farther along the road I have chosen...interesting times indeed.
Peace,
Julie
All of your concerns are normal Julie. I never hated being male, but I always knew something wasn't right. I am 6' 1", and when I started I was 185lbs. My weight dropped all the way down to 150lbs. My doctor told me I should gain some weight, so I went back up to 165 and plan to keep it there. I remember looking in the mirror when I began this journey and thinking that I was going to make one ugly woman. I was also frightened about coming out to all of my friends, and the possible reactions I might receive. So far the only negative comment I received was from a cook at a hotel. Everyone has accepted me, and I am beginning to think that I was wrong about becoming an ugly woman. All of the biggest obstacles I have encountered were in my mind. You will be fine. Just be yourself, the world will adjust.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: JulieAllana on December 22, 2018, 07:10:43 PM
It occurs to me that if I wasn't on the road I was supposed to be on, I wouldn't be quite so happy about it.
Hang onto that thought, Julie! That is what this journey is all about. :)
Quote
my team is all guys and there have been off-color remarks before about transgendered people. Nothing really malicious...more grounded in a lack of understanding and an inability to relate (you want to cut off WHAT??!!).
If the remarks are based on simple lack of understanding and not maliciousness, then have fun with it. They will have to eat crow: don't necessarily gloat over it, but enjoy it! >:-)
Fears are normal, and we have all had them. Just be yourself and enjoy life.
Yes, service staff are "supposed to" be nice to customers, but unless the niceness is delivered in an obviously snide and sarcastic way, take it as genuine. If they are any good at their jobs, it probably is genuine.
Thank you ladies for your words of wisdom.
So, talking about stressors, this isn't something that I really think about much because it isn't a conscious thing so much, but I guess it has been working its way up to the top. As changes start to happen with HRT, I think something that is worrying me is will I be happy and what will my life look like. Due to missing out on female socialization, I am so clueless! What if I can't integrate into female circles in the same way I haven't been able to integrate in male circles. Am I just trading one misery for another and alienating myself in all circles besides? What do women really do and talk about amongst themselves? Men, sex, clothes/fashion??? What if I am not interested in any of those topics. And I hear women talk to each other in public restrooms. OMG why is that SO SCARY! *people aren't supposed to talk to each other in the bathroom* :o At least men don't...get in, do your thing get out. It's even better if you don't have to look at or acknowledge one another at all. It's all just so strange and I fear I'll still be the ODD one out.
Can we just have a community of trans people who all get one another and come together to comfort each other and socialize...oh wait, Susan's! Thank you Susan!
Love,
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on December 23, 2018, 10:15:04 AMwill I be happy and what will my life look like.
QuoteWhen I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me
Que será, será
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que será, será
What will be, will be
- Doris Day
You have just described the human condition! :)
We have indeed missed out on female socialization, and we have things to learn. I am a bit socially awkward, usually described as "quiet". It is probably a combination of my basic personality (I suspect that I am on the autism spectrum) and lack of female socialization. We don't have to be experts at this, and it is okay to not be an expert. It is a learning opportunity. Life is a learning opportunity! Have fun learning.
Yes, the bathroom thing! :D Social contact in the bathroom takes some getting used to. Eye contact is permitted, even among strangers, provided that you smile, and conversation about the weather or similar topics is normal. Conversation with friends is expected, almost required. While it was weird at first, I took pleasure in dropping one more male inhibition. Fake it until you make it!
Julie, I never worried about what my life would look like. My anger had reached the point where transitioning was the only way to save it. I was worried about how people would react, so I did everything I could to make myself appear as feminine as possible: longer hair, no beard shadow, a higher pitched voice, walking, noticeable breasts (get some prosthetic ones if necessary). The first few weeks were difficult, but you will get the hang of it quickly.
A few of my male friends are now even closer, they want to learn. Others are not quite sure how to deal with me now, but they are still friendly. A very few think it is contagious and keep their distance.
The vast majority of women I have met are awesome! On occasion I have come out to strangers, and every one of them has hugged me. Women tend to talk more about relationships and occasionally clothes, while men talk about things.
The majority of restroom conversations I have had are at work. Although women are much more inclined to talk anywhere, odds are slim a woman you don't know will strike up a conversation in the bathroom. They are much more inclined to say 'hello', 'have a nice day', or even compliment you on something you are wearing.
The little details with smooth themselves out over time. Don't let them be a major concern.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
That is something I have noticed I have started doing, even before HRT....noticing and complimenting women on their appearance. Not sure why, I just started doing it.
So, I've got a problem that I am sure many here on Susan's run up against...coming out to family. I'm out to my Aunt and mom, but no one else in my immediate family. I'm at this point where soon-ish physical changes are going to become apparent and I kinda have this nagging feeling/desire to tell my brother, dad and cousin's but damned if I don't know how to go about doing it. I suppose I am scared and embarrassed and any other number of emotions that I am not really in touch with about doing this. I expect my brother and father to totally freak out. I think I just have to take the plunge but I can't even think of a way to start this conversation. With my mom and aunt, I was kinda in a different place and they were safer to tell and it was still hard. I wound up just sorta blurting it out. Both of them are still struggling with understanding everything, but they are both somewhat supportive. Why can't this be easy!?
Julie
Quote from: JulieAllana on December 26, 2018, 11:15:06 PM
So, I've got a problem that I am sure many here on Susan's run up against...coming out to family. I'm out to my Aunt and mom, but no one else in my immediate family. I'm at this point where soon-ish physical changes are going to become apparent and I kinda have this nagging feeling/desire to tell my brother, dad and cousin's but damned if I don't know how to go about doing it. I suppose I am scared and embarrassed and any other number of emotions that I am not really in touch with about doing this. I expect my brother and father to totally freak out. I think I just have to take the plunge but I can't even think of a way to start this conversation. With my mom and aunt, I was kinda in a different place and they were safer to tell and it was still hard. I wound up just sorta blurting it out. Both of them are still struggling with understanding everything, but they are both somewhat supportive. Why can't this be easy!?
Julie
Hi Julie!!!
I have no magic answers for you my dear little sister... But, I want you to repeat after me... all shall be well 🙋♀️🙏💕🌺
Here are a few unsolicited opinions that may or may not hold value for you...
If they freak out ... they freak out... their first reaction may be totally different than where their attitude settles after they have time to process this new way of thinking about you... in the end, you are on a journey towards a life that is truly yours... this tells me that living to the expectations of others is no longer an acceptable way for you to continue... that is a powerful place to be... YOU are a powerful girl on a powerful journey!!! 🌺
You can tell them in whatever manner you feel will work best for the people involved... you could state your intentions gently... and lovingly...but with undeniable will... perhaps having someone you have told already in the room for moral support would help... but, I know you are strong!!! I have seen that since you first came here... Don't waste time beforehand letting fears about how they will react get out of hand... Do what you must do... Then Live Your Life and Love Your Life...
If members of your family don't choose to not go along on this journey with you... let them walk their own path but, let them know that they are welcome to journey with you at any time in the future if they feel differently later... We all need to walk our own path, in our own way and in our own time...
All good things to you Julie... Amazing things await...
Please don't hesitate to let me know if I can be of help along the way....
Onward we go brave little sister!,,
Ashley 🙋♀️💕🌻
PS... I think the Kipling and Emerson quotes in my sign-off below apply here! 🙋♀️💕🙏🌸
Quote from: JulieAllana on December 26, 2018, 11:15:06 PM
So, I've got a problem that I am sure many here on Susan's run up against...coming out to family. I'm out to my Aunt and mom, but no one else in my immediate family. I'm at this point where soon-ish physical changes are going to become apparent and I kinda have this nagging feeling/desire to tell my brother, dad and cousin's but damned if I don't know how to go about doing it. I suppose I am scared and embarrassed and any other number of emotions that I am not really in touch with about doing this. I expect my brother and father to totally freak out. I think I just have to take the plunge but I can't even think of a way to start this conversation. With my mom and aunt, I was kinda in a different place and they were safer to tell and it was still hard. I wound up just sorta blurting it out. Both of them are still struggling with understanding everything, but they are both somewhat supportive. Why can't this be easy!?
Julie
Hi Julie, I am at a similar stage of when and how to tell my extended family. My father and brother know and both are supportive, although my brother doesn't understand what I am experiencing. I am encouraging him to ask me notwithstanding this may difficult because we live in different provinces in Canada. I will be easier if he can ask me in person, I guess.
I am learning that confidence and believing in yourself are the most important traits to cultivate. You need to be mentally and emotionally strong, control your behaviours, thoughts, and feelings. You can't control what others will think or how they will behave. The pathway forward won't be easy, but the emotional strength you cultivate will serve you well.
Hugs Zoey
The method you use to tell your other relatives depends on many variables -- the two big ones would be distance and the closeness of your relationship. All of our relatives lived 1000 miles away. I had the luxury of not telling them until about six weeks after I had gone full-time. My wife and I drove down to visit. They knew we were coming, but not why. We started with the person I thought would be most receptive, our youngest niece. Once she was on board we asked her opinion on how to tell her Mom (my sister-in-law) and her dad (my oldest brother). Unexpectedly her Mom decided to drop by for a visit while we were there, but everything worked out well. The next day we met my oldest brother for lunch. He seemed oblivious to the change, but he always got my name and pronouns right!
I did not want to shock my parents, they are in their mid-80's. Since my brother's family has lunch at our parent's house on Sundays, we gave them a letter to deliver. After lunch they gave my parents the letter, which explained the situation. At the bottom I asked them to call me if they wanted us to come out and visit. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life. I expected my Mom would be OK, but I had been 95% sure my dad would reject me. I was amazed that they both accepted me. It took several months, but now he gets my name right all of the time, and my pronouns most of the time. He has even began referring to me as his daughter. For those friends and relatives too far away to visit, I sent a letter. Most didn't respond, but all of the Christmas cards we received were addressed properly!
I would prepare a letter explaining everything, but keep it down to a single page. I'm sure you already know how emotional this could be, so having a letter as 'backup' to help explain things would be a good idea. Tell them in person if possible. Stay calm and confident. If it does not go well don't argue, just depart gracefully.
This is a huge step, but win or lose it must be done. I wish you the best of luck.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Thank you all for your well thought out responses. It gives me much to ponder upon. I am thinking it will be just like getting into a cold swimming pool...it's best to just take the plunge, but OMG what a plunge!!
Julie
I just got back my pre-Endo bloodwork. Of course, I am not a doctor and don't know anything, but looking at my E and T levels, they aren't that far off from average male. I hadn't yet taken my morning doses when they drew blood so I don't know how much that would affect things. I try to take my doses 12 hours apart at 8.
If my E levels are low, I guess that would explain why I really don't feel any different than pre-HRT and why physical changes have been minimal.
I think that any breast development is more the result of me gaining a bit of weight back and it coming back in the chest area. I haven't felt the growth of any actual breast tissue yet.
I'll see the endo in two days so I'll just have to wait to see what she has to say.
In the life department, things just continue to roll along. There was a bit of unpleasantness with my estranged wife. I was helping her at an event for her business. I was wearing a sports bra because I am a bit self-conscious about my growing chest and I had clear nail polish on. After a couple of hours of working with her, she asked in something of an accusing surprised tone if I was wearing a bra. I told her yes. Then a few minutes went by and in the same tone she asked if I was wearing nail polish to which I again replied yes. Mind you, she knows that I am trans. I asked her why she sounded so surprised at these things. She replied that she thought I didn't present female in public. I had told her that I'm not (clearly) and don't because I don't feel comfortable with how I look and that I wanted to be on hormones longer. She then asked what I would do if I never got to a point where I felt comfortable with how I looked. It really made me feel bad because it is those sorts of thoughts and feelings that kept the trans beast in the box my whole life. She says that she wants to work things out even if I am trans, but I keep getting the idea that really she is just holding out hope that I change my mind or something, as if this is just simply something I decided to do. It's hard enough figuring out my own >-bleeped-< without someone helping you to second-guess everything.
Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Gotta get to the gym so I can eat dinner.
Julie
Went to see my endo this morning. She is upping my HRT doses by 100%.
Quote from: JulieAllana on January 23, 2019, 12:50:21 PM
Went to see my endo this morning. She is upping my HRT doses by 100%.
@JulieAllana Dear Julie:I have been eagerly awaiting your updates and now I see that you have posted
2 new updates just in the last 2 days!!!
I am very happy that you went to see your Endo again and that your HRT dosages have been adjusted in an effort to get your transition journey kick-started and give it "a kick in the pants."
I am saddened to hear that your wife has been less than accepting of you and your transition journey... just remember that this is all a work in progress. Not only is it very difficult for a spouse or partner to come to terms with the fact that the love of their life is now transitioning but also there are almost always stereotypical thoughts p existing and past conceived phobias of the transgender community.
I trust that with some more patience and perhaps more therapy session that things will improve on that front. Has she or will she consider individual or couples therapy?... that can be a big help.
Thank you again for your long awaited and very important update on your thread and sharing your thoughts.
I will eagerly be looking for your next postings...
Many Hugs and well wishes I am sending your way.... [emoji173]
Danielle
Thanks for checking in, Danielle! You are simply the best as suitor #4 I am sure will attest!
So the issue with the wife is a bit more complicated than just the trans bit. She is bi-polar with some significant borderline personality disorder traits if not a full blown BPD diagnosis. She moved out back in Apr. 2017 before I was even at terms with being trans myself. She was having some severe side affects from her meds which was causing her to be highly erratic in her behavior.
She took several "tours" of the psych ward in early 2018. It was about this time based on her self-destructive behavior that I filed for divorce. It is also about this time that she found out about me being trans. Initially we agreed that we would get divorced and we could continue to be friends, but since she has decided she wants to try to patch things up. She says that she doesn't care that I am trans, but I get the feeling she does and is just hoping that I will change my mind. We have seen a therapist a few times now, but I don't really see how things will work out as she is already starting to engage in some of her poor behavior.
Some of the things she does is lash out in anger (with very personal attacks) when she doesn't get her way as well as blame anyone or anything else for her shortcomings or the predicaments she finds herself in. She also sees criticisms and judgements against her when none exists or were intended setting off bouts of the above-mentioned anger episodes.
Despite all of this, I care for her deeply and don't want to see her hurt. The divorce is at a holding point wherein a simple petition to the court is all that is required to finalize it. I intend to wait as long as I can to give her the opportunity to get back on her feet before she would lose spousal benefits from my employer. I guess I am also holding out hope that she is able to pull herself together emotionally, but realistically, that isn't possible as her woes are pathological and not just bad behavior.
Julie
Julie, my numbers stayed low until my estradiol was doubled -- then it went up by 4x. We are not quite sure why it went up so far so fast, but I'm not complaining.
The comment about your wife lashing out in anger, blaming others, and finding criticisms against her when none exist sounds exactly like me pre-HRT. I think it is very compassionate of you to want to help despite the way she treats you. Hopefully things will improve for both of you.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Today at work I had the pleasure of dining with a co-worker who is quite outspoken about LGBT's and not in a flattering way. I get the impression that his views are based on ignorance rather than malice. I choose to not be offended by him, though I find myself listening to him and rolling my eyes a bit at his antics. I am even on friendly terms with him. The idea though, that probably within the next 12 months I will have to go into his office and explain to him that I am indeed transgender isn't one that I relish. Maybe it will be different for him if it is someone he knows and talks with often. Like on many issues, we are on the same page...I mean for one, I get how a cis-person wouldn't understand being trans...I am struggling to understand it all myself. I kinda think that he feels like there is some "leftist" agenda that is being forced down his throat. To some degree, I agree with him (though, I am not sure I would say it is a leftist agenda).
There seems to be this whole idea that there is a right and wrong way to think and that if you don't agree with the right way of thinking that you are just a waste of space. That I think is where he has a problem. For whatever reason, he is homo/trans-phobic. Maybe its religious, maybe he feels threatened or maybe it hits too close to home with secrets he keeps himself. Regardless of why, he has that right and I respect it. I feel like for me to make demands on the way he interacts with the world is wrong. My freedom ends where his begins.
I would hope that when I start looking female at work and go full-time that he continues to see me the human vs. me the trans-woman and treat me accordingly. I think if he continues to see me as a human, common courtesy will win out, which is to say if he knows I want to be referred to a certain way that he would accommodate that. And if he doesn't, so long as he isn't being openly hostile I wouldn't press the issue. I think that when I come out to him, it will be a really good opportunity to explain everything from a trans person's perspective...to help him see past any pre-conceived notions that he seems to have. I am not sure that he knows that being gay/trans isn't really a choice. Indeed, if I had the choice, I would opt not to be trans but to have been born female. If at the end of everything he chooses to hold me in disdain and not accept my gender identity, then at least I know where I stand with him and how to act. I'm there to earn a living, not socialize and as long as my living isn't put in jeopardy, such is life.
So with this person at least I know what I am facing. How many other people are there at work that feel like he does, but that censor their speech because it isn't politically correct? I'd rather them speak their minds and out themselves as the closed-minded people that they are. If things come to a head with anyone, when all is said and done, I think HR will be on my side based on their posted policies.
I am sure many of you will have really strong opinions on what I have said above. I invite any and all to impart their perspectives. I would ask that if you do, to do it in a courteous manner and that there is always the option of agreeing to disagree rather than having a discussion devolve into something nasty.
Thanks,
Julie
Hello again Julie
I agree with your thinking absolutely.
There are many reasons why some people have an anti-reaction to Transgender matters but in my opinion they usually fall into one or more of these categories:
1. Religious views make them against
2. They do not appreciate the difference between Gender Identity (brain internal) and the body (external|) and as a separate subject Sexual Orientation (hetero or homo or bi or asexual etc)
3. They see it as a new idea and going against previous accepted gender norms
4. Sadly but It must be listed - they simply don't like it
5. Pure ignorance
Younger people are usually more understanding and supportive than the older generation. The answer is continued education and campaigning. Things are improving for us gradually. We are getting there!
Hugs
Pamela