Hi everyone, it's me, Jackie.
It's been almost a year since I last posted (although I have started to several times). I have been semi-absent from the forum and I thought it appropriate to share why.
Just under a year ago my 95-year-old mother died. It was surprising but not unexpected. We had not been particularly close (we have lived many hundreds of miles apart for all my adult life). It was a "cordial but at a distance" relationship for most of that time. And, it was "up to date", i.e. there were no words or feelings left unsaid (at least by me).
Why that matters is that I experienced a grieving for her passing that I did not expect. In a sense, I was blindsided by grief. Grieving for her is not what kept me away, although it did contribute.
Her death, however, triggered a chain of events that have resulted in me scrambling to stay caught up with life. Some of the events have to do with taking care of her estate (although my sister is the executor of it). Some have to do with the demands that other parts of my life have put on me.
It has been a struggle to keep handling all the normal aspects and demands of life. I just haven't had the emotional/psychic energy to engage very much. Given that my coaching business is all about engaging others, it has been wearing. The political and economic climate of the past year has been draining, as well.
While some people would have asked for help, that is very difficult for me. Through a series of explorations with a couple of friends (one of whom is a chaplain) I have come to realize that a huge part of what is dragging at me is that I am suffering from Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). In fact, that is an issue that has colored and shaped a huge part of my life.
Another by-product of C-PTSD (for me) is that it is very difficult for me to open up to others about things I am feeling or wanting. It is a survival/safety trait for me, because from earliest childhood it was not safe for me to communicate my desires, needs, or feelings. And the source of danger was not just one person, but my whole family.
I know there are others here who have had some similar childhood experiences. I won't share more detail here for two reasons. 1) I don't want to trigger those who might be sensitive to such things, and 2) it is very difficult for me to share personal details about my life and self (see the paragraph before this one). :)
One of the things the awareness of C-PTSD has done has caused me to look at my gender issues and consider if this is another by-product of C-PTSD. My conclusion is that it is NOT. Being quiet about my gender issues for all these years, however, IS a result of the C-PTSD.
Because I am Non-Binary/Genderfluid, I am walking a middle road, but am not out to anyone (expect you lovelies, of course). Perhaps as I recover more from the C-PTSD, that will change. But, I still have a measure of dysphoria.
To help with my dysphoria, I started (or ramped up) certain things: taking a low-level dose of estrogen; growing my hair out (that has caused some looks/comment from people who only see me occasionally) -- it's just past the bottom of my ears in what looks like a short bob... or a rock musician from the mid-60s :) ; wearing a pendant necklace every day; keeping my body hair removed (I have disliked body hair -- on myself and on others -- for a long time); and working more androgynous outfits into my attire. There are probably a few other little things I do that escape me at the moment.
Since discovering about C-PTSD and understanding how it has affected my life, I am making progress in recovering from it. It has helped me understand so much about my childhood, my subsequent life, and why I am the way I am. And, I feel that I am better able to target my recovery efforts. The very fact that I am able to make a post this self-disclosing is evidence of my improvement.
I hope to be a bit more active on the forum as I continue to recover from my C-PTSD. Thanks for bearing with me and for your support.
[For those who are wanting to know more about Complex PTSD, the website Out of the Storm (http://www.outofthestorm.website) offers information, education, and support.]
Hugs,
Jackie
Hi Jackie :icon_wave:
Welcome back to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here again, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M