Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Battle Goddess on January 23, 2019, 03:40:55 pm

Title: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on January 23, 2019, 03:40:55 pm
I started HRT ten days ago! Very exciting.

I am by nature very distrustful of medications, though, very cautious. I don't like them and only take them when I have to. This, of course, is a "have to," and I'm glad to finally begin, so my plan has been to start with Spiro at a low dose, go with it slowly for a while, see how I tolerate it, then up the dose cautiously.

Had my first appointment with my guy about a month ago for a meet-n-greet and to order labs. He seemed okay enough to work with. It so happens that he's actually a GP, not a board-certified endocrinologist, but he's been working with trans people for years, particularly with older gals like me, and he's embedded in the local research community, so it's not like he's some upstart.

My labs all came back clean, and ten days ago I went to my appointment to review them and get my Rx for the Spiro. Haven't exactly felt any physical changes yet from the Spiro - no increased frequency of urination or cravings for sodium, for example - but then again I'm a rapid metabolizer. I p much need a double dose of any med before my body starts to notice it. And no doubt, greater changes are still to come. I have been feeling different, if not physically, just attitudinally. My baseline sense of general misanthropy has lifted a fair bit.

While at that second appointment, I also scheduled my annual physical exam with him. What the heck, he is a GP, and I was due. He was nice enough to offer to see me this past Sunday when he comes in to do weekly paperwork.

He did a good workup, looked down my throat, looked up my birth certificate, yaddah yaddah. Because I was tolerating the Spiro so well, he suggested I raise the dose again for a week, then move up to a high maintenance dose. Coolio.

Then he started talking about estrogen and its different modes of administration.

Estrogen, I protested, was not in the plans. At least, not yet. I at least wanted to be cautious, to wait until after the equinox, as my mood disorder can flare up around that time of year. Sure, he says, but we can still talk about the different ways you can do E while bypassing the liver. We talk about the patch. The gel. The shot. I allow as I'm okay with all of them, that I rather enjoy needles, but a patch sounds like a rash waiting to happen and the gel sure sounds easy.

He produces a sample pack of the gel. Comes in a little box containing a black plastic case that has seven slots in it, each with a little silver foil sachet of what I've been dreaming about for years.

Dang.

"Why don't you take it home and think it over?" He says. "When you're ready, you just apply one a day to your thigh and rub it in."

Dang.

Double Dang.

Double-Dog Dang.

I face him, my thoughts whirling a mile a minute. This is a real moment of truth for me, folks. Am I ready? I know what I want. I know what my heart says is right. My head says to take it slow. I hate meds. I'm cautious with meds. I don't like introducing meds into my body. Spiro is one thing, but moving to E feels like committing to going past the Point of No Return. I should sit with this, meditate upon it, ask Athena's guidance. The changes will be coming fast and furious if I do this. I'll have to fess up. No more fooling around. Time to be honest with myself.




I reach for the box.



I've been on E for four days now, and you know what? This stuff is great! I'm starting to believe in all that pink cloud nonsense. I'm telling you, natal XX women have been holding out on us.


Happily transitioning,

Battle Goddess
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maid Marion on January 23, 2019, 04:15:39 pm
Congratulations on taking that big step!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: pamelatransuk on January 24, 2019, 04:29:08 am
Hello BattleGoddess

Congratulations on starting HRT Jan 13th and on adding the Estrogen Jan 19th. You'll remember both days forever!

I wish you every happiness and success on your journey.

Hugs

Pamela
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: KathyLauren on January 24, 2019, 07:36:15 am
Great story, BattleGoddess!  :)  Resistance is futile.  Congratulations on starting HRT!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on January 24, 2019, 07:51:24 am
Quote
Resistance is futile.

If less than 100 ohms.   ;)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on January 24, 2019, 04:21:23 pm
True dat.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190124/f1a00a44e8f16012980bdb2c8214fbbc.jpg)

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on January 24, 2019, 06:20:39 pm
I have a friend who transitioned years and years ago.  I remember joking to her that this estrogen stuff she was taking sounded addictive and she had better take care or wind up married to a nice guy living in a nice house in the country with the white picket fence.   

She did...
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Jenny1969 on January 24, 2019, 07:14:07 pm
Congradulations on your new start!!!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Janes Groove on January 24, 2019, 07:36:35 pm
Wonderful.  It sounds like something you've wanted for a long time.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Rakel on January 24, 2019, 08:33:41 pm
I can still remember the wonderful feelings I had when I first started Estradiol. Within the first week, I knew transition was going to happen. I could never go back to what I was.

Women really are not holding out on us, they just seem to think everybody feels like this.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on January 27, 2019, 02:54:35 am
Resistance is futile.

If less than 100 ohms.   ;)


True dat.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190124/f1a00a44e8f16012980bdb2c8214fbbc.jpg)


I'm a little disappointed nobody caught onto the horribly tortured self-referential pun in my response to KathyLauren and AnneK, but you'd only get it if you've ever seen the movie Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

Ready?
.
.
.
Wait for it...
.
.
.
It's a drawing of a newly fledged battle goddess, having given up all resistance, with a single ohm.

 8)

/runs away
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Astxl on January 27, 2019, 05:45:24 am
what does "darn" mean?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on January 27, 2019, 06:12:33 am
Quote
but you'd only get it if you've ever seen the movie Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

Never even heard of it, let alone seen it.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Dena on January 27, 2019, 09:36:40 am
what does "darn" mean?
Interesting. It's not in the dictionary but it's a word that has been used for a long time. It's a polite cuss word that means you're unhappy with something that you have to tolerate. If you want to get a better idea about the word, there is a movie from my youth called That Darn Cat (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059793/?ref_=nv_sr_1).
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: NatalieRene on January 27, 2019, 11:45:44 am
Congratulations on starting down the path. This can be a very affirming time even if the first week's effects are more placebo then anything an open mind goes a long ways.

Since you are on spiro be sure to monitor your potassium levels. :)

Best wishes on your journey and in a sense:

 :icon_birthday:
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: krobinson103 on January 27, 2019, 04:49:16 pm
After my first few days on spiro / estrogen I knew that it was right. The physical changes of course take much longer, but, the sheer elation of having the right chemicals in my brain...
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Rachel on January 27, 2019, 05:31:57 pm
Congratulations, I hope you have a wonderful transition.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: GingerVicki on January 27, 2019, 05:59:10 pm
After my first few days on spiro / estrogen I knew that it was right. The physical changes of course take much longer, but, the sheer elation of having the right chemicals in my brain...

I took me about one week and everything seemed to line up much better.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: LizK on January 27, 2019, 06:31:27 pm
@Battle Goddess Congratulations on starting your journey...I use the gel and find it simple and effective. I hope you enjoy your "pink fog" it really does seem to give you a different perspective.

Liz
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on January 27, 2019, 09:54:51 pm
I took me about one week and everything seemed to line up much better.
So what is wrong with me?  I feel nothing, zero, nill, nada, just swollen feet! And unswollen feet bcause of spiro!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: NatalieRene on January 27, 2019, 09:58:10 pm
So what is wrong with me?  I feel nothing, zero, nill, nada, just swollen feet! And unswollen feet bcause of spiro!

Sometimes the watched pot doesn't boil.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on January 27, 2019, 10:05:25 pm
Sometimes the watched pot doesn't boil.
I really wonder if the stuff will do anything to me.  My genome analysis showed that most opioids are not metabolized by my body, and just slide through me.  Might the same be true for estrogen?
I have a blood test coming up mid February, and I am really wondering what that will show!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Jeal on January 27, 2019, 10:21:54 pm
True dat.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190124/f1a00a44e8f16012980bdb2c8214fbbc.jpg)

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

You get a bump just for the Nausicaa reference :D  I am a huge fan!

I plan on starting HRT and your situation sounds sooooo much like me.  I hate meds and am really kind of freaked out tbh.  Reading your post gave me some heart.

Thank you!  :)  Jael

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: KatieP on January 27, 2019, 10:25:03 pm
<Philosophizing>
So... Do we NEED hormones to be women? They may help some people, but based on the photos I have seen in these forums, there are plenty of people who could easily "pass" long before the first hormone touched them.

Or maybe... For how long do we NEED hormones? There are a TON of people in these forums who, it seems to me, totally "pass" and clearly do not need hormones any longer to live their lives as women.

I mention this because my endo (That Darn Endo...) over the past 18 months (since my turning 60), has made the point about how I have "the complete package" and look/sound/act like any other cis woman she talks to. Having been on some form of estrogen for 30 years, E has done whatever it will do to me. And, I think my Darn Endo would love it if I stopped taking it, because of the potential risks. I am hesitant because the 12 month trial of being off estradiol made me feel like Not Me. But perhaps I should work on that.

So, maybe, "we" can find ways to just be women, without hormones, or perhaps without hormones after a time.

Perhaps, Dietlind, you don't need estradiol to be the woman you are...

Perhaps this is true for you too, Battle Goddess...
</Philosophizing>

Kate
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on January 27, 2019, 11:34:06 pm

Perhaps, Dietlind, you don't need estradiol to be the woman you are...

Perhaps this is true for you too, Battle Goddess...
</Philosophizing>

Kate
I started to be a woman (biologically I actually was mostly woman all my life), quite a ways before I even found out about HRT.  It started definitely about 4 years ago, when my breasts started to grow.  I started with estrogen because I was hoping to get some more growth for the girls (I am a 34 B now, and that was without any hormones), but I have not seen or detected any results at all.  The boobs are still a 34 B, my mood and emotions have not changed, or anything.  I wonder if I need estrogen at all?  I may be as much of a woman as I ever will be, and the only thing that is missing is the SRS!  That is at least the opinion of my therapist.  I always had only one testicle, and they think hat the other did not develop, and it might be there in the form of an ovary.
I am just a weird pile of mutated chromosomes, and each time if something new and unexpected happens, they find another mutation of those chromosomes.  Who knows, I might just have escaped from Frankenstein's lab, and forgot all about it!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on January 29, 2019, 08:39:10 am
I really wonder if the stuff will do anything to me.  My genome analysis showed that most opioids are not metabolized by my body, and just slide through me.  Might the same be true for estrogen?
I have a blood test coming up mid February, and I am really wondering what that will show!
That is very interesting.  I find that most drugs don't have a proper effect on me until they are dosed at the maximum.  If the dose for X is 10, 20, 40 and 80 mg  I invariably am the one taking the 80mg (or 2 when my doctor decides its safe)  How did you find out that you process opiates differently?  very curious.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on January 29, 2019, 08:56:38 am
That is very interesting.  I find that most drugs don't have a proper effect on me until they are dosed at the maximum.  If the dose for X is 10, 20, 40 and 80 mg  I invariably am the one taking the 80mg (or 2 when my doctor decides its safe)  How did you find out that you process opiates differently?  very curious.
I am a test subject of the global human genome panel.  My entire genome is checked through and analysed for anything and everything, and important results are shared with me to inform my medical providers about them.  This is how I found that I have the genetic makeup typical for a post menopausal woman, and that it seems, as if I finished menopause about 16 years ago.
Us intersex persons are really an unusual biological construct!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on January 29, 2019, 08:59:54 am
I am a test subject of the global human genome panel.  My entire genome is checked through and analysed for anything and everything, and important results are shared with me to inform my medical providers about them.  This is how I found that I have the genetic makeup typical for a post menopausal woman, and that it seems, as if I finished menopause about 16 years ago.
Us intersex persons are really an unusual biological construct!
As a science nerd all I can say is "COOL!"  Your on the edge of SciFi medical study with you entire genome being looked over. 
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on January 29, 2019, 09:35:20 am
As a science nerd all I can say is "COOL!"  Your on the edge of SciFi medical study with you entire genome being looked over.
It sure beats the research studies I did.  Trying to find out, whether  pre surgical shaving or hair clipping causes lower wound infection rates (clipping turned out to be way better, because way less infections).
Any surgeon who is insisting on shaving the surgical area is not up to snuff with new technologies!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on January 29, 2019, 12:15:32 pm
As a science nerd all I can say is "COOL!"  Your on the edge of SciFi medical study with you entire genome being looked over.

They're also checking to see if there's a DNA link to crime scenes.   ;)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: NatalieRene on January 29, 2019, 12:25:15 pm
I really wonder if the stuff will do anything to me.  My genome analysis showed that most opioids are not metabolized by my body, and just slide through me.  Might the same be true for estrogen?
I have a blood test coming up mid February, and I am really wondering what that will show!
You should be doing sublingual to bypass the liver on the first pass. This should help get effect.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on January 29, 2019, 12:50:40 pm
You should be doing sublingual to bypass the liver on the first pass. This should help get effect.
I am doing that since day one that I am on pills!  The patches gave me skin blisters, and the pills give me swollen feet, instead of swollen boobs!
My breasts have not grown any since starting the estrogen stuff.  They are still there at the B cup size they were, before I even knew about HRT!
My liver is sitting there in a corner, and tapping its fingers, in the hope to eventually see some of the estrogen!

I had a blood test done to check my estrogen and testosterone levels.  I will know the results on Monday.  The amount of testosterone I have should indicate whether my testes still work or not, my urologist feels they are so atrophied that they gave up working quite a while ago.  I have the feeling that was the time when my breasts started to grow.
If the blood test turns out to show close to zero testosterone, I will get my testes removed on insurance money because of pain they cause and cancer prevention.

Once i am without balls, I can start my legal name and gender change.

So, please cross your fingers to make sure that my balls of fire are nothing but useless marbles!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on January 30, 2019, 11:06:01 am
I am doing that since day one that I am on pills!  The patches gave me skin blisters, and the pills give me swollen feet, instead of swollen boobs!
My breasts have not grown any since starting the estrogen stuff.  They are still there at the B cup size they were, before I even knew about HRT!
My liver is sitting there in a corner, and tapping its fingers, in the hope to eventually see some of the estrogen!

I had a blood test done to check my estrogen and testosterone levels.  I will know the results on Monday.  The amount of testosterone I have should indicate whether my testes still work or not, my urologist feels they are so atrophied that they gave up working quite a while ago.  I have the feeling that was the time when my breasts started to grow.
If the blood test turns out to show close to zero testosterone, I will get my testes removed on insurance money because of pain they cause and cancer prevention.

Once i am without balls, I can start my legal name and gender change.

So, please cross your fingers to make sure that my balls of fire are nothing but useless marbles!

Its probably physical dysphoria screaming in my head that leads me to say, "congratulations on getting your testes removed!"  I'm sure you know this far better then I but getting labs done so you can adjust dose is science and for sure the way you want to do it.  I suspect you just need to have something adjusted because it does seem like your not getting the expected results.  And re the problems with patches etc.   I wanted to put in a vote for estrogel.   Or oestrogel depending on where you live and how its marketed.

I'm looking forward to hearing what they say on monday!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on January 30, 2019, 08:29:37 pm
Its probably physical dysphoria screaming in my head that leads me to say, "congratulations on getting your testes removed!"  I'm sure you know this far better then I but getting labs done so you can adjust dose is science and for sure the way you want to do it.  I suspect you just need to have something adjusted because it does seem like your not getting the expected results.  And re the problems with patches etc.   I wanted to put in a vote for estrogel.   Or oestrogel depending on where you live and how its marketed.

I'm looking forward to hearing what they say on monday!
My endo wanted to put me on estrogel, but it is not on the formulary of my health insurance!
I absolutely can't wait to see what my hormone levels are.   I have the gut feeling (and hope), that testosterone is pretty low.   If this is true, out them balls go!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: pamelatransuk on January 31, 2019, 04:19:06 am
Good luck Linde for your BT for E&T on Feb 4th.

I assume like me you check your BT results 24/48 hours later online so you should know on Feb 6th.

Hugs

Pamela
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on January 31, 2019, 09:35:14 am
Good luck Linde for your BT for E&T on Feb 4th.

I assume like me you check your BT results 24/48 hours later online so you should know on Feb 6th.

Hugs

Pamela
I should know on the 4th, because I have an appointment with the urologist!  This is the appointment at which it will be decided whether I will become a ball less wimp, or remain the same kind of wimp, just with balls!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: mm on January 31, 2019, 01:24:36 pm
Dietlind, your balls seem to have gotten smaller as in the time I have known you here, a few weeks, you are becoming more of a woman all the time.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on January 31, 2019, 07:52:53 pm
Dietlind, your balls seem to have gotten smaller as in the time I have known you here, a few weeks, you are becoming more of a woman all the time.
The urologist feels that they are extremely atrophied.  It might b that estrogen has something to do with it, but the urologist felt it would not be the case.
I don't think that it has anything to do with me becoming a woman, because that process started when I was born. However, I loose more and more of my masculinity (if there is any left). 
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 02, 2019, 01:00:39 am
What I wouldn't give to get my insurance to  cover voluntary orchiectomies...

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on February 02, 2019, 05:46:19 pm
What I wouldn't give to get my insurance to  cover voluntary orchiectomies...

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
You just have to develop problems with your testicles!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 03, 2019, 11:19:21 am
I definitely have issues with them...

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 05, 2019, 06:12:14 pm
Interesting. It's not in the dictionary but it's a word that has been used for a long time. It's a polite cuss word that means you're unhappy with something that you have to tolerate. If you want to get a better idea about the word, there is a movie from my youth called That Darn Cat (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059793/?ref_=nv_sr_1).

Come to think of it, it's also a term for mending garments. It's even mentioned in Luke 2:8 "For in that same country there were shepherds, darning their socks by night."
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on February 05, 2019, 07:16:43 pm
I should know on the 4th, because I have an appointment with the urologist!  This is the appointment at which it will be decided whether I will become a ball less wimp, or remain the same kind of wimp, just with balls!
Well, I know now what blood levels I have.  One thing is nice, my prostate is just sitting there and not acting up at all,  The PSI is 1.0, just like it is supposed to be!
My testosterone is 74 and my estrogen is 63.8.  I know that the testosteron is very, very low for a guy, and it indicates that the testes don't work anymore (the doc feels they stopped working several years ago).  Therefore he will go ahead,  and cut those babies out from me (health insurance will pay).
I don't have any idea if my estrogen level is high, normal, or low.  Can I get some intelligence here if that is an OK level for a trans woman?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Donica on February 05, 2019, 07:33:48 pm
Whoo hoo! Congratulations girl! That's darn great!!!

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: PurplePelican on February 05, 2019, 10:18:03 pm
Well, I know now what blood levels I have.  One thing is nice, my prostate is just sitting there and not acting up at all,  The PSI is 1.0, just like it is supposed to be!
My testosterone is 74 and my estrogen is 63.8.  I know that the testosteron is very, very low for a guy, and it indicates that the testes don't work anymore (the doc feels they stopped working several years ago).  Therefore he will go ahead,  and cut those babies out from me (health insurance will pay).
I don't have any idea if my estrogen level is high, normal, or low.  Can I get some intelligence here if that is an OK level for a trans woman?

Units.. What unit of measurement is being used? Hard to make a comment without knowing.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on February 05, 2019, 10:21:03 pm
Units.. What unit of measurement is being used? Hard to make a comment without knowing.
Don't know, they just gave m those numbers.  The stupid webportal of Labcorp is down since Friday, and I can't get a hold of those results.  I assume it is the standard measurement used in the US.  Afterall, Lab Corp is the largest test lab!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: pamelatransuk on February 06, 2019, 04:54:38 am
Linde

On the HRT Board I have a "Comparison" thread which shows E&T Blood Test readings from many of us - mainly for 3/4 or 6/7 or 9/10 months but readings at other times are also welcome which I attach below. You may wish to compare your US readings with those there.

Next week I shall be doing the next quarter meaning E&T BT readings after 12/13 months on HRT Board. Please feel free to add yours stating period of time on HRT to either thread if you wish.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242549.20.html

Hugs

Pamela
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on February 06, 2019, 09:41:22 am
Linde

On the HRT Board I have a "Comparison" thread which shows E&T Blood Test readings from many of us - mainly for 3/4 or 6/7 or 9/10 months but readings at other times are also welcome which I attach below. You may wish to compare your US readings with those there.

Next week I shall be doing the next quarter meaning E&T BT readings after 12/13 months on HRT Board. Please feel free to add yours stating period of time on HRT to either thread if you wish.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242549.20.html

Hugs

Pamela
Thanks Pamela, I put my values onto that board.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 06, 2019, 12:05:06 pm
My testosterone is 74 and my estrogen is 63.8.  I know that the testosteron is very, very low for a guy, and it indicates that the testes don't work anymore (the doc feels they stopped working several years ago).  Therefore he will go ahead,  and cut those babies out from me (health insurance will pay).

Gratz!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on February 06, 2019, 12:44:52 pm
Gratz!
Thanks, an old girl has to be lucky once in a while!  ;D
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 06, 2019, 01:45:36 pm
Thanks, an old girl has to be lucky once in a while!  ;D

I'd give my left nut to be in your shoes.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on February 06, 2019, 01:58:33 pm
I'd give my left nut to be in your shoes.
It is relatively easy, you just get your nuts to hurt like hell when you just touch them, and you can sit down with wide spread legs only, to nut squeeze them.
After that you go through a series of icky antibiotics, to make sure it is not a bacterial infection causing the pain.  Once you are though tha, your urologist has to reach the conclusion that you either have a chronic inflammation or some precancerous stuff going on that warrants to cut them away.
After a blood test showed that those babies don't work anymore anyway, the cutting them away dayte will arranged (if the scheduler is not out sick)!
As you can see, a very quick and almost pain free method to loose your balls!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 06, 2019, 02:43:39 pm
It is relatively easy, you just get your nuts to hurt like hell when you just touch them, and you can sit down with wide spread legs only, to nut squeeze them.
After that you go through a series of icky antibiotics, to make sure it is not a bacterial infection causing the pain.  Once you are though tha, your urologist has to reach the conclusion that you either have a chronic inflammation or some precancerous stuff going on that warrants to cut them away.
After a blood test showed that those babies don't work anymore anyway, the cutting them away dayte will arranged (if the scheduler is not out sick)!
As you can see, a very quick and almost pain free method to loose your balls!

I'll get right on it.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: fleurgirl on February 10, 2019, 12:21:18 am
I was eating popcorn while reading this. It was so interesting and flowed really well.

Diction aside, when I previously transitioned I lived up North and had access to an UH-MAZING endocrinology at St. Louis Children's by the name of Dr. Christopher Lewis. He really personalized each of his patient's care, and during that time I was on Casodex.

However, because I was a twat and stuff happened, I ended my transition back then. Also, I turned 18 and moved...so, I was now 1,000 miles from Dr. Lewis and no longer eligible for his care either way, seeing that I'm now technically an adult. I hope that when the time comes for HRT again, i will be blessed with a doctor like Lewis again.

Congrats on beginning HRT. I definitely how cautious you are, especially regarding moods and such and the reluctance of taking medications. I can relate 100%

Keep us updated!

- Fleur
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 10, 2019, 02:17:44 pm
It's been a bit since I posted in this thread, so I thought I'd bring everyone up to speed on my progress.

After about two months on Spiro and a month and a half on Divigel...
.
.
.
...it isn't working.  >:(

That is, not yet.

I did my one-month labs a couple weeks ago and finally tracked my endo down to discuss them with him. Testosterone came in at 670, estrogen at 48.

He expected T below 200 and E above 60. His first take on the results was laboratory error!

Well, probably not.

As I've mentioned elsewhere, I'm one of those people blessed (or cursed) with being an ultra-rapid metabolizer of medications. I simply need much higher dosages than a typical human being for any med to take effect. Psych meds, pain killers, you name it. My dentist always grouses about how much novocaine he has to give me.

What can you say? By definition, there have to be some people on the tail end of the bell curve.

So I remind him of that, and I also point out that I'm not feeling any of Spiro's classic side effects - no extra peeing, no cravings for sodium, no hypostasis, nuthin'. We conclude that the current dosage just isn't working.

Not exactly one of those things you'd have to go to Doctor School to figure out, but at the same time, it's not as though we'd have known things weren't working until we had all the evidence in one place.

Rationally speaking, it makes a lot more sense to take a good, sensible first shot in the dark at the right level, measure results, then adjust, but emotionally speaking, I'm left feeling sad and frustrated. Two months! I mean, I know It's A Lifetime Process, and We're All In It For The Long Haul, and there's no getting around that, but gee whiz! Let's get this show on the road, folks! I guess I can't call it two months wasted because it's two months gathering the data needed to make a better decision (darn, I hate being a scientist sometimes) but I wanted everything to have begun working perfectly from the start!

Aargh!

Darn endocrinologist

Darn transition

Darn being transgender and all the complicated needs and feelings that go along with it
.
.
.
But it is what it is.

So what to do, what to do, what to do?

First off, we're doubling my Spiro. I think I was at a typical maintenance dosage, but now we're going to head toward the top end of normal. That may be a start, but I remain skeptical. I usually need higher than the top end of normal, so I don't doubt that it'll be another round of trial, test, and adjust, and maybe we'll even conclude that Spiro isn't the right med or that we need an adjunct. Meanwhile, more time will pass. Sigh.

Second, we're switching to injectable E in the hopes that it will give us more flexibility to raise the dosage as we continue to test and adjust. I'll have to learn how to give myself shots, but that's kinda cool - I really do love needles. Don't ask.

Finally, I have to remember who I am and what I'm doing. Being myself is the objective, transition is the strategy, and all this footling around with hormones and endos and dosages are just tactics. Yes, I've got to get the tactics right to make progress, but I can't focus only on chemical transition. There are a lot of other aspects of transition to work on, many more challenges to face, much more fun to be had. A fascinating path to follow.

And I am the Battle Goddess.

Let's go.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on March 10, 2019, 03:47:29 pm
@Battle Goddess, I might be a little like you concerning chemicals thrown into my body.  I know from my genome analysis that your standard opioides don't work with me, they are not metabolized by my system.  The only stuff that works is codeine, and my system converts that stuff into morphine (talking about a bio reactor!).
anyway, I have the suspicion that my body does not do to much with estrogen either, because the dose I was on did not do much for me.  My dose is now doubled, and I wonder what this will do in the absence of testosterone.
I had negative reactions from spiro, but it could have been the diuretic effect and the potassium sparing that drove me nuts, and now that I don't have them (the nuts) anymore, and thus have to take no spiro, I feel way better.

But that is all I can report about no testosterone and double estrogen.  Except the appearance advantage, I don't really need to tuck anymore, all that is left seems to disappear in tight female clothing.  I am currently  still wearing maxi pads, and doing them right can even create an illusion of a camel toe!  >:-)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maid Marion on March 10, 2019, 03:54:27 pm
Sorry  to hear of your setback with the meds.  At least you have lab tests so aren't "flying blind" with dosages and their effects.

Yes, there are a lot of things you can work on while waiting for HRT to show results.  But, everyone has to change at their own pace.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 13, 2019, 03:27:36 pm
Yayyyy! The Titty Juice Drought is finally over!  ;D

Endo called in my Rx for E on Friday, but I've been chasing pharmacies around my neck of the woods ever since to find anyone that even had it in stock. Geez Louise, you'd think this would be a fairly common med. Guess not.

Off to Endo's office tomorrow to learn how to administer it to myself.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on March 14, 2019, 11:19:53 am
Yayyyy! The Titty Juice Drought is finally over!  ;D

Endo called in my Rx for E on Friday, but I've been chasing pharmacies around my neck of the woods ever since to find anyone that even had it in stock. Geez Louise, you'd think this would be a fairly common med. Guess not.

Off to Endo's office tomorrow to learn how to administer it to myself.

Good luck in the hunt for a pharmacy.  I don't understand how they can't just order it and call you in a day or two when it should come in?   I've heard some types are difficult to find because they just don't produce enough.  Injectable type I think was becoming a problem.  Glad I'm not the only one that doesn't respond to some meds in low or average doses. 
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 15, 2019, 07:11:50 pm
Good luck in the hunt for a pharmacy.  I don't understand how they can't just order it and call you in a day or two when it should come in?   I've heard some types are difficult to find because they just don't produce enough.  Injectable type I think was becoming a problem.  Glad I'm not the only one that doesn't respond to some meds in low or average doses.

Yah, the rapid metabolizer thing can be kind of a pain sometimes. For instance, one of the antidepressants I take is really great, but it lowers your seizure threshold, so you can safely only go up so high. Another one is fairly good except that it tends to give you heart problems the higher you go. Acetaminophen is useless for me - I'd need so much that it'd ravage my liver.

Saw Endo yesterday. He was really good to me. Taught me how to do the shot and spent a good amount of time just talking and checking in with how I was doing in general, though he was probably also sticking around to make sure I didn't go into anaphylactic shock.

He explained that for now I'm on a starter dose and that we'll eventually end up going to about four times as high. He wants me to give a call in a few weeks to check in. We'll test levels in another month and make adjustments.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 15, 2019, 07:37:53 pm
Oh - thought I'd mention how I feel today. It is very different than normal. My wife has tried to initiate several annoying interactions today to see what she could get, but whereas I'd normally have found them very irritating, today not so much. Rather, I've been able to address them without the usual amount of anger that dominates my responses. It's not that I haven't found them annoying but rather that my wrath-o-meter hasn't gone all the way up to eleven like usual.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on March 16, 2019, 02:59:51 am
I might not be following this but this sounds exactly like the results of estrogen working.  The 11 anger stuff and in fact the whole male binary emotions.  Angry or nothing translates to a wide range of emotions some very unguy like but that is what you get when estrogen allows your thinking to become clear and you can be actually happy.  Not just "not angry"   Thank God its possible!  I assume you found a supply of the injectable estrogen?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 17, 2019, 01:17:45 pm
I assume you found a supply of the injectable estrogen?

Sure hope so! Had to switch my Rx to a chain with a wholesaler that had any. Pharmacy said their wholesaler was listing their stock as "intermittently available," so I'm not counting on it being easy to get my next refill, but at least I know now to alert my pharmacist early.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on March 19, 2019, 02:22:05 am
Sure hope so! Had to switch my Rx to a chain with a wholesaler that had any. Pharmacy said their wholesaler was listing their stock as "intermittently available," so I'm not counting on it being easy to get my next refill, but at least I know now to alert my pharmacist early.

I try to do refills as early as they allow.  Sometimes this only results in things being a little late but sometimes it results in a couple extra pills or whatever. 

I seem to be a magnet for insurance fiascos so having some prescriptions with a reserve from filling as soon as they allow it has come in handy.  Prescription prices out of pocket are just so insane.  So many pills are worth their weight in gold. Sad sad world.  I've been told by the last two doctors I've seen that I have "good insurance" because its got a rather small copay.  So many of these policies are designed to keep you from using them at all because you have to pay everything out of pocket before you reach some magic number where insurance kicks in.  The end result always seems to be that you just get to that point and its suddenly a new year with a new titanic about of money to lay out before insurance kicks in. 

I guess thats true but the times I've been billed incorrectly seems to be a yearly (at least) event. If you look at the fortune 500 (top 20) insurance companies come out pretty good.  How?  I mean how if they are honest?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 19, 2019, 04:15:47 pm
I try to do refills as early as they allow.  Sometimes this only results in things being a little late but sometimes it results in a couple extra pills or whatever. 

I seem to be a magnet for insurance fiascos so having some prescriptions with a reserve from filling as soon as they allow it has come in handy.  Prescription prices out of pocket are just so insane.  So many pills are worth their weight in gold. Sad sad world.  I've been told by the last two doctors I've seen that I have "good insurance" because its got a rather small copay.  So many of these policies are designed to keep you from using them at all because you have to pay everything out of pocket before you reach some magic number where insurance kicks in.  The end result always seems to be that you just get to that point and its suddenly a new year with a new titanic about of money to lay out before insurance kicks in. 

I guess thats true but the times I've been billed incorrectly seems to be a yearly (at least) event. If you look at the fortune 500 (top 20) insurance companies come out pretty good.  How?  I mean how if they are honest?

I remember in B-school how we worked out the economics of whether or not to buy insurance.

In the mythical world of homo economicus, where no weird games get played by sleazy businesspeople, self-serving voters, or corrupt politicians, you're better off (on average) not buying insurance.

Problem is, that only works if you never get a big enough medical bill to wipe you out, and we all know that medical bills don't come in one size. So ultimately you pay your insurance company to cover you above the amount you're willing to pay out of your own pocket, and you have to pay extra to get your insurer to take on that kind of risk, and that's their profit.

But that's Blackboard World. In the real world, I once heard the U.S. healthcare marketplace described as a huge pool of money, and everyone - providers, insurers, pharma, etc. - are all in there with straws, trying to suck it up before the others do.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist - My Ongoing Adventures with HRT
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 22, 2019, 03:09:29 pm
I thought that since I started this topic with the story about my endo, I'd turn it into a log of how my HRT experience is going.

It has been two weeks since we raised my Spiro dose to a high maintenance level. Still not necessarily feeling its typical side effects. I'm not particularly thirsty, nor am I peeing frequently. No cravings for sodium, no hypostasis. Not a lot of sex drive, but there wasn't a ton to begin with. Won't go into the gory details, but I tested the equipment, and it still works.  >:(

So, rats.

On the plus side, I gave myself my second shot of E yesterday, and OMFG I freakin' luuuuuurve estrogen!

I mean, it's like the very instant I put the spike in, I started feeling good, and I'm still buzzing today. I. Want. More. Lots more.

I guess I hadn't realized how punk I'd been feeling the day before, and I truly was feeling down in the dumps before I gave myself the shot in the late morning, but I had a very fine day afterwards.

Other physical effects: I can probably imagine myself into thinking my skin is getting a little softer. My nipples feel just the tiniest bit tender. My friend and my tdoc both say they see changes in my face, and sometimes I think I can almost see myself in the mirror, but it's still a long way to go.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist - My Ongoing Adventures with HRT
Post by: JanePlain on March 23, 2019, 10:42:46 am
I thought that since I started this topic with the story about my endo, I'd turn it into a log of how my HRT experience is going.

It has been two weeks since we raised my Spiro dose to a high maintenance level. Still not necessarily feeling its typical side effects. I'm not particularly thirsty, nor am I peeing frequently. No cravings for sodium, no hypostasis. Not a lot of sex drive, but there wasn't a ton to begin with. Won't go into the gory details, but I tested the equipment, and it still works.  >:(

So, rats.

On the plus side, I gave myself my second shot of E yesterday, and OMFG I freakin' luuuuuurve estrogen!

I mean, it's like the very instant I put the spike in, I started feeling good, and I'm still buzzing today. I. Want. More. Lots more.

I guess I hadn't realized how punk I'd been feeling the day before, and I truly was feeling down in the dumps before I gave myself the shot in the late morning, but I had a very fine day afterwards.

Other physical effects: I can probably imagine myself into thinking my skin is getting a little softer. My nipples feel just the tiniest bit tender. My friend and my tdoc both say they see changes in my face, and sometimes I think I can almost see myself in the mirror, but it's still a long way to go.

I think once it really starts to work you get a euphoric feeling as things change.  Going on estrogen seems to be all additions with the exception of sex drive.  Additional emotions, added sensation of smell, ability to think clearly and so on. *Adding small amounts of testosterone (after my orchiectomy) fixed the drive problems.  I think women have a great thing but they are just used to the benefits.  Of course they have to deal with up and down cycles where we avoid that so maybe they don't see it as great?

I wish some of these anti trans "experts" could be put on HRT for a month or two so they had some small clue about a topic they clearly don't get.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist - My Ongoing Adventures with HRT
Post by: Jeal on March 23, 2019, 11:21:55 am
I think once it really starts to work you get a euphoric feeling as things change.  Going on estrogen seems to be all additions with the exception of sex drive.  Additional emotions, added sensation of smell, ability to think clearly and so on. *Adding small amounts of testosterone (after my orchiectomy) fixed the drive problems.  I think women have a great thing but they are just used to the benefits.  Of course they have to deal with up and down cycles where we avoid that so maybe they don't see it as great?

I wish some of these anti trans "experts" could be put on HRT for a month or two so they had some small clue about a topic they clearly don't get.

From what I read between the lines regarding anti trans activists, they would be able to turn their experience around to bite us anyways. It seems to me that they either are extreme black/white thinkers who we terrify, or/and probably have their own deep seated gender discomfort. Honestly, I think the only hope for most of them is to be forced to come to terms due to a loved one.  I really feel sorry for any trans child, girl in particular, who draws one of them as a parent. I'm just glad that I'm not so filled with hate. I can't imagine what they are ignoring on the inside and protecting onto us.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist - My Ongoing Adventures with HRT
Post by: Jeal on March 23, 2019, 11:23:31 am
I thought that since I started this topic with the story about my endo, I'd turn it into a log of how my HRT experience is going.

It has been two weeks since we raised my Spiro dose to a high maintenance level. Still not necessarily feeling its typical side effects. I'm not particularly thirsty, nor am I peeing frequently. No cravings for sodium, no hypostasis. Not a lot of sex drive, but there wasn't a ton to begin with. Won't go into the gory details, but I tested the equipment, and it still works.  >:(

So, rats.

On the plus side, I gave myself my second shot of E yesterday, and OMFG I freakin' luuuuuurve estrogen!

I mean, it's like the very instant I put the spike in, I started feeling good, and I'm still buzzing today. I. Want. More. Lots more.

I guess I hadn't realized how punk I'd been feeling the day before, and I truly was feeling down in the dumps before I gave myself the shot in the late morning, but I had a very fine day afterwards.

Other physical effects: I can probably imagine myself into thinking my skin is getting a little softer. My nipples feel just the tiniest bit tender. My friend and my tdoc both say they see changes in my face, and sometimes I think I can almost see myself in the mirror, but it's still a long way to go.

Glad to hear you are progressing well! I will hopefully add in E to my blockers this week. It has been hard waiting 6 weeks :)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on March 23, 2019, 12:03:37 pm
Congratulations! What form does your doctor prescribe?  Topicals, injections or?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 26, 2019, 04:39:22 pm
Congratulations! What form does your doctor prescribe?  Topicals, injections or?

It's in my .sig block at the bottom of my posts.

Started with gel, got nowhere, and have recently converted to injections. YMWV.


I must admit that one baseline emotional reaction has not changed. My daughter's boyfriend has been particularly rotten to her lately, and she's suffering for it terribly. I'd like nothing more than to take up a baseball bat and discuss with him why he ought to mend his ways.

You can call me Mama Bear if you want, but Papa Wolf strains to be set free.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 02, 2019, 06:27:28 pm

I've made the observation that getting my weekly shot feels good. Like REAL good. REALLY REALLY REAL GOOD.

This last Thursday's was no exception. I think I accidentally took a little bit more than recommended. I doubt that it felt any better than with a normal dose, though, so I can put to rest the idea that the euphoria is dose-dependent within a small range. That's cool. I have enough addiction issues without wanting to chase an E high.

All the same, it did leave me with something of a happy buzz. I was getting my highlights redone that morning and ended up in this long discourse with my hair gal about Dante, who is one of my great literary loves. I'm sure she doesn't typically expect to discuss medieval Italian literature with her Clients, but what else can one do?

Had my periodic check-in with Pdoc last Thursday, as well. She asked me to characterize what it felt like to get E, and the best I could think to say was "a flood of well-being." Boy howdy. I'd sure like to take two shots a week - it's Tuesday today, and I'm wearing a little thin.

On the physical front, changes are definitely happening!  ;D   My nipples are becoming tender, so it's much more comfortable to wear a bralette. I can feel changes in my skin, too - it's becoming softer all over. I mentioned this to my sponsor, and she tested the skin on the back of my hand. Said it felt not only soft, but soft and young. Bonus!

Best of all, I tested the downstairs equipment, and pretty much nobody was home. Just wasn't worth the effort after a while. I'm sorry if this is too much detail for anyone, but it's very affirming to me.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maid Marion on April 02, 2019, 06:50:43 pm
Great to hear that you have found something that helps!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on April 02, 2019, 07:52:01 pm

Best of all, I tested the downstairs equipment, and pretty much nobody was home. Just wasn't worth the effort after a while. I'm sorry if this is too much detail for anyone, but it's very affirming to me.
Everybody must have left my downstairs home a few years ago!  Get used to it, it is waste of time and energy!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 09, 2019, 03:12:38 pm
Grrrr... it's Tuesday, and I don't get my shot until Thursday.

I... want... ESTROGEN!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Stephk on April 09, 2019, 08:01:05 pm
I heard today that the patches worked really well.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on April 09, 2019, 08:19:13 pm
I heard today that the patches worked really well.
They do, as long as your skin can tolerate them.  I had to stop using them because my skin blistered pretty bad under them.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 09, 2019, 08:36:03 pm
That's all well and good, but endo has me doing injections.

Got a freaking hormone monkey crawling up my back. This is humiliating.



Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Jeal on April 11, 2019, 02:37:56 pm
I hope your appointment went well!!  Good luck!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on April 11, 2019, 09:19:59 pm
No progesterone for this girl.  My endo felt the study was flawed and seemed to have been manipulated!  Teenagers get their progesterone come in about two years after the beginning of their ovulation.  I am kept at the estrogen level typical for a cis woman on their 10 day of their ovulation period.  He prescribed me E to last me 9 months at that level!
He feels that I am currently still at the highest T level i ever will be, and that T will go down even further.  T testing will never ever again be required for me.
From now on, for the rest of my life, I will be solely fueled by E!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 13, 2019, 10:12:08 am
Give us this day our weekly E.

Bliss.

Actually given yesterday, Friday. Had to wait an extra day because Endo wanted me to get my levels checked (has been a month since switching to injections because gel wasn't working), and he explicitly stated that I needed to do the blood draw in the morning.

He also wanted me to do the draw at the very end of my weekly cycle, before I took my next shot.

Unfortunately, I had stuff to do Thursday morning, so like I said, I couldn't take my weekly shot on Thursday like usual but had to wait until after Friday's trip to the lab.

Guess where that leaves this girl all Thursday? Bitchy, grumpy, and miserable all day. Total PMS. At least I have Spironolactone to help with the bloating.  ;)

On the plus side, people are starting to notice changes! Was at Ma's house the other day, and she said I looked "peaceful." Then yesterday she called to say that she realized that it was actually because I'm starting to look more femme! Yayyyyy!

Tdoc and bff say they can see it, too. Tonight we're having a neighborhood party. Let's see if anyone comments.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 14, 2019, 04:38:20 pm

Tdoc and bff say they can see it, too. Tonight we're having a neighborhood party. Let's see if anyone comments.


Yep!

One of the neighbor women who knows me pretty well and sees me often came up and said, "you look different!" Feigning ignorance, I asked her how, then took her into better light. She stood with a quizzical look, so I started prompting her. Hair? New earrings? Have I lost weight? Nope, Nope, Nope. Just couldn't put her finger on it...

 :angel:
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 15, 2019, 03:18:09 pm
Aargh. Nipples hurt nipples hurt nipples hurt.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on April 15, 2019, 06:31:05 pm
Aargh. Nipples hurt nipples hurt nipples hurt.
Get used to it.  Mine hurt for almost 5 years now!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: mm on April 16, 2019, 09:46:54 am
Nipple hurting is part of female puberty; every girl goes through it some a short time and many for a long time.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 17, 2019, 12:09:26 am
Get used to it.  Mine hurt for almost 5 years now!

Well, aren't you little Mary Jugs o'Sunshine!

Five years? Yeesh.

My high school girlfriends always seemed to enjoy it when I played with theirs, but if anyone tried fooling with these two, I think I'd give them a black eye.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on April 17, 2019, 12:14:19 am
Well, aren't you little Mary Jugs o'Sunshine!

Five years? Yeesh.

My high school girlfriends always seemed to enjoy it when I played with theirs, but if anyone tried fooling with these two, I think I'd give them a black eye.
I tell everybody to please not hug me, because they may as well stab me with a red hot knitting needle!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 17, 2019, 09:42:12 am
I tell everybody to please not hug me, because they may as well stab me with a red hot knitting needle!

Knitting needles in your nipples?  And all the trouble you had with your nads?

I am *so* not going to ask about your knees or your nose.


In other news:

My test results came in, and I'm either happy, unhappy, confused, or vexed.

The happy: T has apparently collapsed. Went from 650 ng/dl last month down to 14.

The unhappy: E hasn't budged. After a month of shots, it has only moved from 46 pg/ml to 48.

I am confused for a couple of reasons. It does seem reasonable to think that T should be going down, but I'm not really feeling the classic symptoms of such a steep drop: no night sweats, no change in body odor, nothing like that. Endo didn't predict anything like this, either. In addition, no change in E? <I don't understand>? I figured we'd need a higher dose than any original attempt simply due to my metabolism, but this is certainly surprising.

And finally, the vexed: my spider-sense tells me that all of this hints at tests that spit out highly variable results. In other words, I'm not sure how seriously one should take these results if they're subject to large fluctuations. So why take them instead of relying on subjective reports from the patient?

Thoughts?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on April 17, 2019, 05:19:14 pm
Knitting needles in your nipples?  And all the trouble you had with your nads?

I am *so* not going to ask about your knees or your nose.


In other news:

My test results came in, and I'm either happy, unhappy, confused, or vexed.

The happy: T has apparently collapsed. Went from 650 ng/dl last month down to 14.

The unhappy: E hasn't budged. After a month of shots, it has only moved from 46 pg/ml to 48.

I am confused for a couple of reasons. It does seem reasonable to think that T should be going down, but I'm not really feeling the classic symptoms of such a steep drop: no night sweats, no change in body odor, nothing like that. Endo didn't predict anything like this, either. In addition, no change in E? <I don't understand>? I figured we'd need a higher dose than any original attempt simply due to my metabolism, but this is certainly surprising.

And finally, the vexed: my spider-sense tells me that all of this hints at tests that spit out highly variable results. In other words, I'm not sure how seriously one should take these results if they're subject to large fluctuations. So why take them instead of relying on subjective reports from the patient?

Thoughts?
OK, I am as T-less as they come, it went out of the door with the balls!  I did not gt night sweats, I don't think I smell different (my dog does not feel this either).  What I feel is that my emotions are definitely not the tough guy stuff anymore, my urine does not smell as strong and is not so deeply colored, and I have to run to the bathroom way more than I used to!  That suck it up and hold it for a few more hours does not work anymore, when I have to go, i have to go urgently!
I think my sense of taste has changed a bit.  I used to raelly like beer, I can't stand the taste of the stuff anymore!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 17, 2019, 06:12:27 pm

In other news:

My test results came in, and I'm either happy, unhappy, confused, or vexed.

The happy: T has apparently collapsed. Went from 650 ng/dl last month down to 14.

The unhappy: E hasn't budged. After a month of shots, it has only moved from 46 pg/ml to 48.

I am confused for a couple of reasons. It does seem reasonable to think that T should be going down, but I'm not really feeling the classic symptoms of such a steep drop: no night sweats, no change in body odor, nothing like that. Endo didn't predict anything like this, either. In addition, no change in E? <I don't understand>? I figured we'd need a higher dose than any original attempt simply due to my metabolism, but this is certainly surprising.

And finally, the vexed: my spider-sense tells me that all of this hints at tests that spit out highly variable results. In other words, I'm not sure how seriously one should take these results if they're subject to large fluctuations. So why take them instead of relying on subjective reports from the patient?

Thoughts?



Update: Just discussed results with Endo. He is as perplexed as I and suspects lab error on both tests. Going in for another draw Friday morning.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on April 17, 2019, 06:42:09 pm

Update: Just discussed results with Endo. He is as perplexed as I and suspects lab error on both tests. Going in for another draw Friday morning.
I hope you have better luck this time around!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 19, 2019, 12:11:44 pm
Oh yeah. Sweet, sweet, estrogen.

Is there such a thing as the Pink Cloud? I ain't denying it.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 25, 2019, 05:28:28 pm
I saw Her in the mirror yesterday.

Just a fleeting glimpse, mind you, but my face is definitely changing. I take a photo every day, and the transformation isn't as apparent in them, as the foreshortening limits how much it shows, but even I can't pretend anymore that nothing is happening.


Other new physical phenomena:


Lab results still aren't back from last Friday's blood draw. Stay tuned.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 25, 2019, 10:27:31 pm
More unsolicited feedback on my appearance tonight. A woman friend at my AA meeting tonight (who I'm out to) commented that I was "looking good." When I asked if she noticed anything different, she added that I looked "pretty."

All right!


Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on April 26, 2019, 05:33:31 am
Quote
Lab results still aren't back from last Friday's blood draw. Stay tuned.

Aren't your results available on line?  I can check my blood test results a few hours after the vampire strikes.   ;)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on April 26, 2019, 09:18:10 am
Aren't your results available on line?  I can check my blood test results a few hours after the vampire strikes.   ;)
I think those policies differ from lab to lab.  I do my tests with the largest lab in the country, LabCorp, and their policy is to make them available online for the patient eight days after they send them to the doctor!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 26, 2019, 02:40:53 pm
I think those policies differ from lab to lab.  I do my tests with the largest lab in the country, LabCorp, and their policy is to make them available online for the patient eight days after they send them to the doctor!
My insurance company sends me to my local Quest lab, and I can view results online whether or not Endo has reviewed them.

Last time they were available within two business days of testing. This time it took five. Meh.

However, they did arrive today.

T: 5 ng/dl. I guess there's no disputing that it's really super low.

E: 122 pg/ml. More consistent with what we've been up to, at least. Endo has made noises in the past about wanting to have E in the 200s at a minimum, so let's see what he says. Won't hear from him until Monday.

Net net: endocrinologically speaking,  perhaps I occupy a space that is not exactly male and not exactly female?

Am I even human?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on April 26, 2019, 03:51:56 pm
My insurance company sends me to my local Quest lab, and I can view results online whether or not Endo has reviewed them.

Last time they were available within two business days of testing. This time it took five. Meh.

However, they did arrive today.

T: 5 ng/dl. I guess there's no disputing that it's really super low.

E: 122 pg/ml. More consistent with what we've been up to, at least. Endo has made noises in the past about wanting to have E in the 200s at a minimum, so let's see what he says. Won't hear from him until Monday.

Net net: endocrinologically speaking,  perhaps I occupy a space that is not exactly male and not exactly female?

Am I even human?
Your T is about at the same level as mine, it can't go much lower.  200 E would be on the high side, my endo is concerned about DVT when the E is high.  He wants me around 140 to 150.

About your question about if yo are human? Well going by your avatar, you might be not, and just might be a staue that looks like a human?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 30, 2019, 06:10:42 pm
Your T is about at the same level as mine, it can't go much lower.  200 E would be on the high side, my endo is concerned about DVT when the E is high.  He wants me around 140 to 150.

About your question about if yo are human? Well going by your avatar, you might be not, and just might be a staue that looks like a human?
True, I can be kind of a stiff sometimes.

That's a statuette of the Greek goddess Athena. More on her in another post.

Endo just called. He's fine with my numbers as they are, so no adjustments for now. I asked about his having mentioned shooting for E numbers in the 200s, and he mumbled about the tests being imprecise and said that my E should be up there by the time of my next test.

Come to think about it, I didn't ask him when that should be. We'll have to close that loop.

I feel good about our discussion. I feel fine physically and have plenty of energy, and changes are moving apace. Now that I know to anticipate Cranky Wednesdays, they're a bit more bearable. Don't see any need to press for any changes.

Onward and outward!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 02, 2019, 10:40:36 am
Just gave myself my weekly shot.

AND had driven home to me the hazards that healthcare providers face in working around needles and other people's blood, for I took my eye off the tip of the syringe for a only moment afterwards and almost immediately jammed it into the side of my thumb.

Phlebotomists of the world, my respects.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 06, 2019, 04:49:29 pm
Two kinda cool things to report today:

1) My chest jiggles when I go down the stairs! I'ma be making sure to hold the bannister because I know I'm going to be jogging.

2) Went to get re-vaccinated for the measles (I'm in that special age bracket) at my old pharmacy. Told the pharmacist I'm transitioning. He said I look so much better than I ever did, as though a huge weight has been taken from my shoulders.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on May 07, 2019, 06:54:50 pm
My insurance company sends me to my local Quest lab, and I can view results online whether or not Endo has reviewed them.

Last time they were available within two business days of testing. This time it took five. Meh.

However, they did arrive today.

T: 5 ng/dl. I guess there's no disputing that it's really super low.

E: 122 pg/ml. More consistent with what we've been up to, at least. Endo has made noises in the past about wanting to have E in the 200s at a minimum, so let's see what he says. Won't hear from him until Monday.

Net net: endocrinologically speaking,  perhaps I occupy a space that is not exactly male and not exactly female?

Am I even human?

Of course your human but if this helps I don't think there is a cis man with T levels anywhere near that low.  I think your E levels would be considered fine for typical cis female levels.  Getting them above 200 would be around the max I think?  Pam if your around can you comment on this?  I did want to say please don't ignore your prostate.  It might be less likely to get cancer but there are many reasons for cancer.  Genetic stuff is I think a real possibility that might not care what your hormone levels are at.  *Although I think lots of estrogen and very little testosterone will make cancer operate in slow motion.  Anyway catching that early and not letting your doctor blow it off may save your life!  Take care of yourself.  Some of us enjoy your posts!  ;-)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on May 07, 2019, 07:19:19 pm
  I did want to say please don't ignore your prostate.  It might be less likely to get cancer but there are many reasons for cancer.  Genetic stuff is I think a real possibility that might not care what your hormone levels are at.  *Although I think lots of estrogen and very little testosterone will make cancer operate in slow motion.  Anyway catching that early and not letting your doctor blow it off may save your life!  Take care of yourself.  Some of us enjoy your posts!  ;-)
This is very important, because that baby does some unexpected things once in a while.  Untreated prostate cancer become, in most cases, bone cancer, and that means the end of the game (and it is extremely painful).  early stage prostate cancer can be treated relatively easy. 
I have a non functioning (at least not functioning the way it was meant to be) prostate for many years now, but still have my PSA levels checked once a year.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: pamelatransuk on May 08, 2019, 05:07:44 am
Getting E level above 200 would be around the max I think?  Pam if your around can you comment on this?

Jane/BattleGoddess/Linde

Yes Jane I agree. Indeed I am advised by my Endo here in UK that the max target E level should be 800 (Intl) which is 218 (US). My E level after 12 months in February was 558 (Intl) or 152 (US).
I recall Linde you stating that in May you were hoping for an E level around mine. I assume you now know the result? Perhaps you could post it on my "Comparison after 12/13 Months" thread on HRT Board which incorporates all E&T results after 3/4 6/7 9/10 and 12/13 months please. Thanking you.

Sending love and happiness to all of you.

Hugs

Pamela  xx
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on May 08, 2019, 08:56:32 am
Jane/BattleGoddess/Linde

Yes Jane I agree. Indeed I am advised by my Endo here in UK that the max target E level should be 800 (Intl) which is 218 (US). My E level after 12 months in February was 558 (Intl) or 152 (US).
I recall Linde you stating that in May you were hoping for an E level around mine. I assume you now know the result? Perhaps you could post it on my "Comparison after 12/13 Months" thread on HRT Board which incorporates all E&T results after 3/4 6/7 9/10 and 12/13 months please. Thanking you.

Sending love and happiness to all of you.

Hugs

Pamela  xx
My endo was very happy with my E level of about 140, and he plans to keep me at this, with my T around 5.  The next blood test is planned for end of October, and he keeps my E dosing at the same level I have been at starting about a week after my orchi.
I do not know how much influence E has on my breast development, because i was close to a B cup when I started with E 6 months ago, and am now close to be a C.  The breast seems not to grow any faster than it did prior to starting E.  The only things I feel that E does to me, it did change my emotions and eating away on my upper torso strength.  I am told that my face got a little rounder, though.
All other measurement parameters do not apply to me, because i never had any hair loss on my head, and never had any hair on my body.  I don't think that it influenced my slow beard growth either.  I still have to shave once or twice a week.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on May 08, 2019, 01:48:15 pm
This is very important, because that baby does some unexpected things once in a while.  Untreated prostate cancer become, in most cases, bone cancer, and that means the end of the game (and it is extremely painful).  early stage prostate cancer can be treated relatively easy. 
I have a non functioning (at least not functioning the way it was meant to be) prostate for many years now, but still have my PSA levels checked once a year.

That is good!  Something to ponder. Discovering you have cancer is harder now with this attitude that since some forms of prostate cancer are slow growing and something else will probably kill you. So why bother looking for cancer? Besides testing for cancer costs insurance companies money. And I'm pretty sure they would prefer not paying.

So the one test that we have (PSA) is becoming an only if you ask type of thing. There are detractors saying because PSA testing is not perfect we should go with no PSA. So now what?  As far as I know the PSA is still the only test so since its not perfect you just aren't tested.

Yes most doctors still do a DRE (Digital Rectal Exam) and by digit we are talking about your doctors finger not a digital computer.  The DRE is better then nothing but its only going to detect cancer if the tumor has grown to a fairly large size.  In addition the tumor has to be in the right place to be detected. And when you have the "bad" kind of cancer you might be told there is a problem after the DRE but its already too late.

Anyway I think it gets worse because when you are diagnosed with cancer doctors are now giving you the option of "Watchful Waiting" which is to do nothing and hope you have the slow growing cancer. When you think about the typical male patients who are doctor phobic. What are the odds they will choose avoiding doctors / treatment? I spoke to a urologist about this and asked, "If you had prostate cancer what are the odds that he would choose "watchful waiting" over other options like surgical removal (Which if done soon enough removes all of the cancer) or radiation. The doctor very quietly told me "zero"
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on May 08, 2019, 02:04:19 pm
Quote
So the one test that we have (PSA) is becoming an only if you ask type of thing.

Because of BPH, my urologist has asked my doctor to include the PSA test on the blood tests for my physicals.  I also get "the finger".   ;)

As for being reliable, my impression was that the PSA test is nothing more than an indicator that further testing is needed, rather than proof in itself.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 08, 2019, 02:05:43 pm
Yes most doctors still do a DRE (Digital Rectal Exam) and by digit we are talking about your doctors finger not a digital computer.

I'm fine with getting my annual DRE.

I just wish my doctor didn't seem to enjoy it so much.

 :o
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 08, 2019, 02:11:45 pm
I'm fine with getting my annual DRE.

I just wish my doctor didn't seem to enjoy it so much.

 :o

:rimshot:
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on May 08, 2019, 02:18:13 pm
I'm fine with getting my annual DRE.

I just wish my doctor didn't seem to enjoy it so much.

My doctor is female.   ;)

BTW, I prefer female doctors, so mine, along with dentist and optometrist are female.  However, the specialists I've been referred to have all but one been male, including my urologist.  I don't enjoy a male poking around those parts.  I also find the male doctors tend to have more of an attitude about things like my nail polish.  The exception being the endocrinologist that prescribed my HRT.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 08, 2019, 02:35:19 pm
:rimshot:

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Anyway, one more new phenomenon. Went to see tdoc today. Her offices have gendered bathrooms out in the hallway with locks on their doors, and they're fine with my using the women's. Unfortunately, when I went to grab a key today, only the men's was available.

Okay, whatever. Keep in mind that I'd be deluding myself if I thought I pass. To be in a place where it's safe to use the ladies' room is a treat.

But when I got into the men's room, a real feeling of alienation crept over me. A sense of squick. It just felt icky, hinky, unnerving, not right. Deep down, it felt like I didn't belong there.

This, to me, is a sign of my deepening acceptance of who I am. I'm moving beyond having realized the truth of the matter and having decided to try to stop fighting it but still being shell-shocked by the whole thing. I think I'm getting to the point of, "Well, duh. Who did you think you were, and where did you think you belonged?"

It's as though I've sailed past a faint dotted line somewhere, a liminal boundary.

My internal representation of myself is changing, and changing fast.

Something tells me I'm going to have to run fast to keep up with it.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on May 08, 2019, 07:08:17 pm

Anyway I think it gets worse because when you are diagnosed with cancer doctors are now giving you the option of "Watchful Waiting" which is to do nothing and hope you have the slow growing cancer. When you think about the typical male patients who are doctor phobic. What are the odds they will choose avoiding doctors / treatment? I spoke to a urologist about this and asked, "If you had prostate cancer what are the odds that he would choose "watchful waiting" over other options like surgical removal (Which if done soon enough removes all of the cancer) or radiation. The doctor very quietly told me "zero"
My brother in law and a friend did not like to go to the doctor, because thy felt they were never sick.  Both died on a very painful version of bone cancer, because their prostate cancer was not discovered!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on May 09, 2019, 01:21:27 am
My brother in law and a friend did not like to go to the doctor, because thy felt they were never sick.  Both died on a very painful version of bone cancer, because their prostate cancer was not discovered!

I'm so sorry to hear that.  I noted that in a male (only) waiting room every single guy (Which was a lot) had his wife or girlfriend with him.  Who I have no doubt dragged them in.  The PSA test is not perfect.  A perfect one would just say cancer or not.  PSA results need to be monitored for a sudden rise.  And I shudder to comment on the bone cancer but yes this is a horrible way to go.  Painful to the point where narcotics don't work.  Prostate cancer can also spread to the brain which is a double horrible way to die.  One of my relatives went that way and it was torture to watch.  Gosh do I ever agree with you all about male doctors. They are just the worst. Zero empathy and just plain rude.  Some of the things I've heard male doctors say while I was supposed to be out still burn me up.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Quinn on May 09, 2019, 05:00:28 am
After reading this about prostate cancer I think its time for me to get checked. I have never been checked in my life and im 53  guess its time
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on May 09, 2019, 05:47:57 am
After reading this about prostate cancer I think its time for me to get checked. I have never been checked in my life and im 53  guess its time

Assuming to regularly go to the doctor, I'm surprised you haven't been..  My doctor started giving me the finger years ago.   ;)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Quinn on May 09, 2019, 06:15:17 am
when I was younger I would go maybe every few years but it was always the same doctor from 19 to 50 yrs  switched to Kaiser when I decided to transition because they seemed like they had the best care for it. And have been to so many doctor during the last three years and no one ever mentioned anything about it .
I honestly never thought about the prostate and embarrassed to say have no idea what it does but im going to be proactive and make an appointment to get it checked after reading this thread
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: TonyaW on May 09, 2019, 06:31:36 am
If you're over 50 they should be doing the digital exam once a year and PSA as part of regular blood tests.  I never went to the doctor much but did start annual visits when I turned 50. That turned into 4 times a year with transition. I'm back down to twice a year regular visits now.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on May 09, 2019, 07:55:00 am
Quote
I honestly never thought about the prostate and embarrassed to say have no idea what it does

Cancer aside, you're at the age when BPH (enlarged prostate) often appears.  This makes it more and more difficult to urinate and can cause damage to the bladder and kidneys.  This is why I'm on dutasteride.  As for prostate cancer, the finger test and PSA levels are used to determine whether it might be there, though proof requires a biopsy.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on May 09, 2019, 07:59:08 am
I'm so sorry to hear that.  I noted that in a male (only) waiting room every single guy (Which was a lot) had his wife or girlfriend with him.  Who I have no doubt dragged them in.  The PSA test is not perfect.  A perfect one would just say cancer or not.  PSA results need to be monitored for a sudden rise.  And I shudder to comment on the bone cancer but yes this is a horrible way to go.  Painful to the point where narcotics don't work.  Prostate cancer can also spread to the brain which is a double horrible way to die.  One of my relatives went that way and it was torture to watch.  Gosh do I ever agree with you all about male doctors. They are just the worst. Zero empathy and just plain rude.  Some of the things I've heard male doctors say while I was supposed to be out still burn me up.
Brain cancer is commonly the end stage of bone cancer.  By the way, breast cancer goes a similar route as prostate cancer if not treated in time.  Breast exams are very important, for us trans ladies, too.  It is easy to do a self exam, at least once a week.  I do it daily because this way my fingers get a memory of how the normal tissue feels, and will detect any unnormal tissue very fast!

I do not understand your negativ experiences with male doctors.  I never have been seen by a female doctor, but am pretty happy with the treatment of my male doctors.  It might be different for me, because all know that I am a member of that profession, too?
I think you have as many bad male as female doctors, female doctors may hide it under a better facade?

I have an endo who is an idiot  (in my eyes), but that has nothing to do with male or female, he is just an idiot, but I am stuck with him.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on May 09, 2019, 08:02:20 am
when I was younger I would go maybe every few years but it was always the same doctor from 19 to 50 yrs  switched to Kaiser when I decided to transition because they seemed like they had the best care for it. And have been to so many doctor during the last three years and no one ever mentioned anything about it .
I honestly never thought about the prostate and embarrassed to say have no idea what it does but im going to be proactive and make an appointment to get it checked after reading this thread
here you can read anyting you wanted ever to know about that baby!

https://www.webmd.com/urinary-incontinence-oab/picture-of-the-prostate#1
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on May 09, 2019, 08:04:14 am
Quote
I think you have as many bad male as female doctors, female doctors may hide it under a better facade?

I have an endo who is an idiot  (in my eyes), but that has nothing to do with male or female, he is just an idiot, but I am stuck with him.

My issue with some male doctors is not competence but attitude.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on May 09, 2019, 08:06:37 am
here you can read anyting you wanted ever to know about that baby!

https://www.webmd.com/urinary-incontinence-oab/picture-of-the-prostate#1

I've seen the movie!   ;)

My urologist has used an endoscope on me a couple of times, with the display on a monitor right where I could watch.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on May 09, 2019, 08:37:50 am
My issue with some male doctors is not competence but attitude.
Tell them if you feel treated wrong!  You are their customer, speak up!  Or go to another doc.  I had a urologist telling me that he does not like to castrate healthy men, well, he did not earn the money for my orchi, I went to one who did not mind to take my balls!
You are not married to any doctor!  I don't know the attitudes of female doctors, because I never had one.  The wife of a friend was a doctor, and we agreed that it would not be good, if she would see me as a patient
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Quinn on May 09, 2019, 02:20:48 pm
Anne I have already had an orchi so T is not an issue with me and have never had an issue peeing so that is good. But still will be seeing doctor I guess for physical exam. Cant imagine with all the blood I have given for transition they have not checked it
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on May 09, 2019, 02:33:48 pm
Quinn

A PSA test is not automatic.  The doctor will only request one when they think it's necessary.  If you have questions about this, your doctor is the one to ask, as the people here have no idea what your full medical history is.

Please note, I am not a doctor and I don't play one on TV.   ;)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on May 09, 2019, 06:54:04 pm
After reading this about prostate cancer I think its time for me to get checked. I have never been checked in my life and im 53  guess its time

Men live significantly shorter lifespans. Women have yearly encounters with a doctor every year after age 12 or 13. The last time most men have seen a doctor was when their mom took them. Why women live longer doesn't seem like a mystery to me  :D If men did get checked in the Military they probably are even more doctor phobic.

I believe that yearly physicals and labs are a must. I am pretty sure that doctors have signed on to this idea that PSA tests are optional.  I believe I was told at age 50 you should have had a colonoscopy and start doing yearly psa, DRE, Lipids, and all the generic labs I can't think of for some reason.  If you have information you can do something.  If you don't have information your driving around the race track blindfolded.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on May 09, 2019, 06:56:08 pm
I've seen the movie!   ;)

My urologist has used an endoscope on me a couple of times, with the display on a monitor right where I could watch.

Arg its even worse then I thought.  The DRE doesn't seem to come close to feeling the prostate other then maybe the half side (or less)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: notaprofessionaljustapro on May 12, 2019, 03:54:13 pm
Battle Goddess,
    Congratulations! I understand what you mean. I know I want to do this but before my first injection, I was like afraid. IDK of what. I guess of not knowing. And after the first two shots (that I had to just due without really thinking about) it became super easy and now Im always excited for my HRT!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maid Marion on May 12, 2019, 04:19:11 pm
I believe that yearly physicals and labs are a must. I am pretty sure that doctors have signed on to this idea that PSA tests are optional.  I believe I was told at age 50 you should have had a colonoscopy and start doing yearly psa, DRE, Lipids, and all the generic labs I can't think of for some reason.  If you have information you can do something.  If you don't have information your driving around the race track blindfolded.

Every year for me.  Though I cancelled my last one and set up a new appointment with a new doctor as the old one retired.  Figured she needed a baseline as I'm hardly "normal."
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on May 12, 2019, 04:27:40 pm
Battle Goddess,
    Congratulations! I understand what you mean. I know I want to do this but before my first injection, I was like afraid. IDK of what. I guess of not knowing. And after the first two shots (that I had to just due without really thinking about) it became super easy and now Im always excited for my HRT!

I couldn't wait to start.  I took my first pill as soon as I got home from the pharmacy.  I was even tempted to take it right in the store!  I just knew I needed to take those pills.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: steph2.0 on May 12, 2019, 04:40:15 pm
:rimshot:

I see what you did there.


Stephanie
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki Wright on May 12, 2019, 09:50:47 pm
@@battle goddess

In response to the post that started this thread: It sounds like your GP really was in touch with the community, and kinda saw that you needed a nudge and almost as cool as my GP. She responded to the news I had figured out I was transgender by spinning back around on the stool to look at me with an ear to ear grin of happiness for me saying "That's AWESOME!" I was kinda prepared for a variety of reactions and that one was so not on the list. I am grateful for it as it was my first truly positive recognition I had gotten.

I hope your trip on the e-train is as fun and exhilarating as the one I am on, or better.

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 16, 2019, 04:43:58 pm
There's always a darkly humorous scene in TG fiction where the protagonist, having been turned into a woman overnight, goes to the bathroom mirror and bounces up and down to make his breasts jiggle.

Damned if I didn't do that today.


Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki Wright on May 17, 2019, 01:36:54 pm
There's always a darkly humorous scene in TG fiction where the protagonist, having been turned into a woman overnight, goes to the bathroom mirror and bounces up and down to make his breasts jiggle.

Damned if I didn't do that today.

YES!!!!! Congrats! Way to go! Cheers!

sigh...I can't do that yet.....YET!

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 17, 2019, 03:32:00 pm
YES!!!!! Congrats! Way to go! Cheers!

sigh...I can't do that yet.....YET!

Ricki
Never said I wasn't grossly overoptimistic.


Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 20, 2019, 06:22:46 pm
A challenging day today. Started out writing what I thought would be kind of a lighthearted piece, and man, that sucker turned dark on me! If you want to read it, I posted it under the heading "Snowballing."

Went and read it to tdoc. My day-to-day accent is the "educated upper middle-class white American" one that broadcasters use, but when stressed, I drop back into the Southern/Appalachian that I had when I learned to talk. I could sense that as I got to the end of the piece I had shifted into full-on Southern.

What surprised me was tdoc complimenting me on how well my femme voice is coming along. Now, you have to understand that I have a beautiful, rich baritone voice. It's like Johnny Cash over honey. People love it, and I've been encouraged more than once to become a voice actor. So when out of the blue, tdoc says that I'm making great progress, the first words out of my mouth are, "What femme voice?"

Apparently, during these stressful moments, I had not only shifted accents but also shifted registers and resonances. I'm writing this note six hours afterwards, and I can feel the muscles in my throat sore from being worked differently than they're used to.

This transition stuff is getting too bizarre.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maid Marion on May 20, 2019, 06:53:37 pm
When I get stressed my voice gets more femme.  And I can hear the rising pitch as I finish my last sentence.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 21, 2019, 12:44:57 pm
When I get stressed my voice gets more femme.  And I can hear the rising pitch as I finish my last sentence.
In fact she pointed out that I'd gone from my usual chest and abdominal resonances to oral and nasal resonances, which she says aren't controlled so much by vocal cords as musculature, and that are often dictated by culture as gender markers.

I've lately taken to consciously listening for that; maybe subconsciously I've figured out how to mimic it. I'm a p good mimic.


Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 25, 2019, 02:22:07 pm
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror the other day in my bra and panties, putting on my makeup as I got ready to go out, and the thought occurred to me that something has changed in my life...

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 30, 2019, 10:24:32 am
Vincent on his way to see Mia. Me on my way to see Tdoc.

Yeah. It's Estrogen Day.

Mmmmmmmm

https://youtu.be/TPd4ZpzIFtk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Lexxi on May 30, 2019, 03:40:50 pm
Battle Goddess,

I don't know if anyone else caught the Pulp Fiction reference...but I certainly did! I LOVE that movie!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki Wright on June 03, 2019, 07:09:38 pm
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror the other day in my bra and panties, putting on my makeup as I got ready to go out, and the thought occurred to me that something has changed in my life...

Did you ever figure out what it was that changed?

<hides!>

Hugs!

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 04, 2019, 04:08:57 pm
Did you ever figure out what it was that changed?


My boobs, for one (or two). They're visibly bigger than they were last week. Far out.

Just now back from one of the final laser sessions on my face. I'm very pleased with the results. Last year I bought a package of treatments that did a very good job on most of the dark hair, but it still left me with some patches, and I had this line of black drooping down from the corners of my mouth that no matter how close I shaved, I couldn't get the shadow to go away.

Doctor had said that once I started HRT, treatments would be even more effective than before, so I bought another package from him in February, and now I'm p much clear of everything other than the grey hairs that he'd never have been able to zap in the first place.

Electrolysis awaits. My hope is that it will not be as harsh as it might have been without laser .
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: mm on June 05, 2019, 09:22:02 am
Battle Goddess, you are just getting started on your second puberty; you can expect your boobs to be grows for several years more.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on June 05, 2019, 09:27:04 am
My boobs, for one (or two). They're visibly bigger than they were last week. Far out.

Yep, I'm about a month behind you and also noticing the changes.  I can both see and feel the breast growth.  Love it!  :)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Lexxi on June 05, 2019, 09:35:40 am
and now I'm p much clear of everything other than the grey hairs that he'd never have been able to zap in the first place.

Does electrolysis not work on grey hairs, or is because they're in a place that can't be lasered? I sure hope it's not that grey hairs can't be lasered. Because the only place I really grow any facial hair is on my chin, and it's about half full of grey hairs.

Lexxi
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: steph2.0 on June 05, 2019, 10:17:54 am
Does electrolysis not work on grey hairs, or is because they're in a place that can't be lasered? I sure hope it's not that grey hairs can't be lasered. Because the only place I really grow any facial hair is on my chin, and it's about half full of grey hairs.

Lexxi

Is anyone else going to tell her? No?  Sigh...

Lexxi, generally speaking, laser only works on dark hairs on light skin. Dark hairs can absorb the laser energy, but light hairs reflect it. Unless by chance your Grey hairs have dark roots, it’ll have to be electrolysis. I did four or five sessions with laser to get the dark hairs, and it’s been nothing but electrolysis ever since. Sorry...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Lexxi on June 05, 2019, 10:51:32 am
Thank you Steph!! But now I feel like a real dingaling...I thought electrolysis was performed by lasers. So all this time I thought that the two processes were actually the same thing, and that people just called them by different names. lol.

I'm glad to know now that they're two different things and that I'll be able to get rid of these darn grey hairs for good after all.

Thank you for educating me!!

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on June 05, 2019, 01:40:03 pm
Thank you Steph!! But now I feel like a real dingaling...I thought electrolysis was performed by lasers. So all this time I thought that the two processes were actually the same thing, and that people just called them by different names. lol.

I'm glad to know now that they're two different things and that I'll be able to get rid of these darn grey hairs for good after all.

Thank you for educating me!!

xoxo
Lexxi
Electrolysis is the electrocution of your hair follicles.  A very fine needle is passed along the hair all the way into the follicle, and once there that poor thing get zapped!

As of yesterday I have no stray hairs at my eyebrows anymore (boy does zapping them up there hurt!!!), and my upper lip is also free of hair now (it hurts the most very close to the nose).

I think about it with pure horror, when the genital electrolysis will start.  Everything the a laser could do, is gone.  It is now down to the needle (blank horror in my eyes)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 12, 2019, 06:40:31 pm
Wow. Men are starting to hold back to let me get on and off the elevator before they do.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki Wright on June 14, 2019, 03:36:35 am
Wow. Men are starting to hold back to let me get on and off the elevator before they do.

The first time this happened to me, keep in mind I still present as cis male, it threw me for a loop. Then later that same day a group waited and it was surreal. I started looking for a button on me that said "GIRL". I still have not found it and it still happens over half the time. Pheromones maybe?

Way fun isn't it?!?

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki Wright on June 17, 2019, 03:19:26 am
@Goddess

The speed in which you reported significant changes is impressive. I am suspecting you are a whole lot younger than I am, it is due to the form of E you are taking, your DNA, or maybe some combination of all 3. Regardless of why, I am really happy for you.

Things going well for you still? She said hopefully.

Hugs!

Ricki

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on June 17, 2019, 05:39:05 am
@Goddess

The speed in which you reported significant changes is impressive. I am suspecting you are a whole lot younger than I am, it is due to the form of E you are taking, your DNA, or maybe some combination of all 3. Regardless of why, I am really happy for you.

I'm 65 and also noticing fast changes.  I started HRT 8 weeks ago and in that time I've not noticeable breast growth, going from an A to B cup!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: nz_maddie on June 18, 2019, 04:16:58 am
I'm late to this party but loving reading the results older women such as myself are experiencing. I can't wait to begin HRT x
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 18, 2019, 12:31:56 pm
The first time this happened to me, keep in mind I still present as cis male, it threw me for a loop. Then later that same day a group waited and it was surreal. I started looking for a button on me that said "GIRL". I still have not found it and it still happens over half the time. Pheromones maybe?

Way fun isn't it?!?

Ricki

It could just be that they don't want to turn their backs on us.



@Goddess

The speed in which you reported significant changes is impressive. I am suspecting you are a whole lot younger than I am, it is due to the form of E you are taking, your DNA, or maybe some combination of all 3. Regardless of why, I am really happy for you.

Things going well for you still? She said hopefully.

Hugs!

Ricki

All hugs gratefully accepted and willingly returned.

The process continues.

Let's be perfectly clear: I'm not going to be offered a job at Hooter's anytime soon. I ain't sporting the Great Bazongas. What I do know is that I have an initial Client meeting today, and it's definitely time for a tight sports bra and a loose work shirt. Taking off my mermaid-colored nail polish, too. I don't need any aggravation.


Whatever the reasons, I'm loving the ride and hoping it lasts!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki Wright on June 19, 2019, 01:30:34 am
@Goddess

We are close in age as I am early 50's. I am totally on board getting sports bras or bralettes. The brats are getting ideas of their own. In family photos recently, I was not wearing my customary jacket and if anybody knew about me, they would be able to see my chest. The clueless would write it off as the lay of the shirt. As summer approaches I need to find a solution other than a jacket. Even without a working thyroid, I go without a jacket at 79 F.

I too hope your ride is fun and exhilarating!!!

Hugs!

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Lexxi on June 19, 2019, 01:49:08 am
The girls also had a head start. I have a, erm, "solid" build. I had moobs to begin with, and there's a thick layer of muscle underneath. There was already fat to redistribute and a good substratum to build upon.

Hi @Battle Goddess

I'm hoping and praying that my moobs will give me a good head start on my new breasts. I'm not good at guessing sizes, but I think I have a solid A cup already, and I haven't even started my HRT yet. I mean each one is already a handful...so I think that might be a good thing for me. I also have some muscle underneath them.

So here's to the booby fairy making a special delivery sooner rather than later.  ;D

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on June 19, 2019, 05:54:59 am
Hi @Battle Goddess

I'm hoping and praying that my moobs will give me a good head start on my new breasts. I'm not good at guessing sizes, but I think I have a solid A cup already, and I haven't even started my HRT yet. I mean each one is already a handful...so I think that might be a good thing for me. I also have some muscle underneath them.

I'm the same way.  I was fitted for a bra about 3.5 years ago and was an A cup.  I now need a B, with only 2 months on HRT.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Faith on June 19, 2019, 06:15:01 am
Wow. Men are starting to hold back to let me get on and off the elevator before they do.

The first time this happened to me, keep in mind I still present as cis male, it threw me for a loop. Then later that same day a group waited and it was surreal. I started looking for a button on me that said "GIRL". I still have not found it and it still happens over half the time. Pheromones maybe?

Way fun isn't it?!?

Ricki

It was way early in transition when this started happening to me. Same work presentation that I'd had for the previous 9 years, same people, and all of a sudden .. deference. Except for the Alphas, they barrel their way through no matter who is in front of them. Don't take the Alphas personal when they invade your space, they can't help themselves, their supramarginal gyrus have shrunk from disuse.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki Wright on June 27, 2019, 08:23:27 am
Well..my wardrobe has expanded.

Due to excessive movement caused by rough roads while on the motorcycle, I have invested in bralettes to keep things in place. The motorcycle jacket pressing against said movement ranged from painful to distracting. Neither of those is good to have while on two wheels.

Had to revisit the tanner chart. Seems I am 3.

Hugs!

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Lexxi on June 27, 2019, 08:36:16 am
Hi Ricki,

I simply cannot wait until I get to that point!! I start my HRT in 13 days and I'm beyond excited.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on June 28, 2019, 04:27:45 pm
I think the world would be a better place if people really did try to walk a mile in other peoples shoes.  I guess its never going to happen that an anti trans activist will do a test run on the opposite hormone but wouldn't it make a great book?  I think going on HRT so many things happen that some of the experience is normalized so fast we don't get to enjoy it.  Well I hope everyone is well.  Have a nice weekend!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on July 04, 2019, 12:02:57 am
Well..my wardrobe has expanded.

Due to excessive movement caused by rough roads while on the motorcycle, I have invested in bralettes to keep things in place. The motorcycle jacket pressing against said movement ranged from painful to distracting. Neither of those is good to have while on two wheels.

Had to revisit the tanner chart. Seems I am 3.

Hugs!

Ricki
I am tanner 4 to 5, or maybe a full 5, it is hard to say.  But I got so use to my boobs that I don't even recognize their presence anymore, until I hit one!
They are just part of my body, and are simply there.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: mm on July 05, 2019, 10:16:00 am
Linda, for what you say you are probably at tanner 5, you really are not aware of them until one get bumped or they bounce in some activity you are doing.  With a well fitting bra they are held in place for most activities.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on July 05, 2019, 10:25:52 am
Linda, for what you say you are probably at tanner 5, you really are not aware of them until one get bumped or they bounce in some activity you are doing.  With a well fitting bra they are held in place for most activities.

I've gotten to the point where I'm frequently banging a breast with my arm.  They also bounce.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on July 05, 2019, 10:43:52 am
Linda, for what you say you are probably at tanner 5, you really are not aware of them until one get bumped or they bounce in some activity you are doing.  With a well fitting bra they are held in place for most activities.
And I finally found that bra!  Not at Victoria Secret, or Soma (they did the fitting, and came out with the same measurements I did, but they had nothing to fit me), but at Walmart!  I found the bra I can wear 48 hours without realizing anymore that I wear a bra!  I had really given up on wearing a bra at all, rather had to say ouch once in a while that having the instrument of torture around my chest all the time.  Now I say" might as well wear a bra!
Life is good again!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: mm on July 05, 2019, 11:18:56 am
glad you finally found a bra that fits and is comfortable.  Just going and trying on bras is probably the best way to find the correct one for you.  Every bra maker designs their bra styles differently and one needs to try them on not go by the size printed on the tag.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on July 05, 2019, 01:28:34 pm
glad you finally found a bra that fits and is comfortable.  Just going and trying on bras is probably the best way to find the correct one for you.  Every bra maker designs their bra styles differently and one needs to try them on not go by the size printed on the tag.
And the prize was very right! It is functional and utilitarian!  I still dream of the nice and pretty lacy bra (I am a sucker for lace and bling), in which I could admire myself and my boobs for hours.  But I have the feeling that bra manufacturers don't feel that girls with a large bandwidth need to look pretty!  They seem to feel that we should be happy to have some OK fitting pieces of fabric to carry the girls around with!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 13, 2019, 10:49:23 am
And... she's back!

Haven't been posting lately because I was on a big project that kept me crazy busy. It also required that I work at the Client site rather than from home as I usually do. 

This was kind of a drag. As in, I had to p much go in drag and get all corporate. Took out all the earrings, removed the nail polish, no pink hairband, etc. Needed a tight sports bra because the little gals are starting to be a little too obvious, even under a t-shirt and button-down. Totes de-queerified.

I wasn't entirely untrue to myself. The mascara stayed, dammit. It simply does too much good. And I didn't actually ditch the nail polish - rather, I swapped out my usual bold tones for a pale, pale pink that one would be forgiven for not noticing.

Dress code was pretty much the standard-issue tech company consultant uniform. Business casual, collared blue shirt and khakis, yadda yadda.

The best part of the whole project? Getting my ID badge.

This is not normally a very exciting thing for me (or for most of you, I presume), but this was a photo ID badge.

I had to see building security to get it made. The security person took my picture, checked it to make sure it had come out, kind of squinted at it, looked back at me, shrugged, and printed out my badge.

A strange performance, I thought, but I didn't much care, so I took the badge and went back to my desk.

When I got there and sat down, I thought to look at the picture.

There was a happy-looking woman smiling back at me.

/melt

Mannish, to be sure. Fairly butch. But she looked like any other gal you might see in any high-tech company. You've seen her a thousand times wearing that standard-issue uniform, and you wouldn't bat an eye.

This HRT thing rocks.



Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki Wright on July 19, 2019, 03:51:51 pm
And... she's back!

Haven't been posting lately because I was on a big project that kept me crazy busy. It also required that I work at the Client site rather than from home as I usually do. 

This was kind of a drag. As in, I had to p much go in drag and get all corporate. Took out all the earrings, removed the nail polish, no pink hairband, etc. Needed a tight sports bra because the little gals are starting to be a little too obvious, even under a t-shirt and button-down. Totes de-queerified.

I wasn't entirely untrue to myself. The mascara stayed, dammit. It simply does too much good. And I didn't actually ditch the nail polish - rather, I swapped out my usual bold tones for a pale, pale pink that one would be forgiven for not noticing.

Dress code was pretty much the standard-issue tech company consultant uniform. Business casual, collared blue shirt and khakis, yadda yadda.

The best part of the whole project? Getting my ID badge.

This is not normally a very exciting thing for me (or for most of you, I presume), but this was a photo ID badge.

I had to see building security to get it made. The security person took my picture, checked it to make sure it had come out, kind of squinted at it, looked back at me, shrugged, and printed out my badge.

A strange performance, I thought, but I didn't much care, so I took the badge and went back to my desk.

When I got there and sat down, I thought to look at the picture.

There was a happy-looking woman smiling back at me.

/melt

Mannish, to be sure. Fairly butch. But she looked like any other gal you might see in any high-tech company. You've seen her a thousand times wearing that standard-issue uniform, and you wouldn't bat an eye.

This HRT thing rocks.

I can hear the happiness pouring from your words, and I am really happy for you!

Hugs!!!

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 29, 2019, 04:03:39 pm
Boy howdy.

Got unlucky with my injection site last Thursday and hit a blood vessel. Hurt like all get out, and I've got a bruise the size of a quarter on the front of my thigh.

Oh, the injustice of it all!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on July 29, 2019, 05:31:07 pm
Boy howdy.

Got unlucky with my injection site last Thursday and hit a blood vessel. Hurt like all get out, and I've got a bruise the size of a quarter on the front of my thigh.

Oh, the injustice of it all!
To avoid this, I take pills sublingually.  I do not understand why some endos feel injections is the way to go.  <Removed by moderator.>  Patches (igf your skin can stand them), or sublingual pills are relatively fast into the blood stream, do no cause any liver damage either, but prevent those stupid E peaks and all the dangers associated with injections!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Rachel on July 29, 2019, 06:42:42 pm
I enjoyed reading through all the thread. It is so exciting to start HRT and see the changes. Congratulations !!!!

I was unlucky with the boob fairy :( I had a BA which was moderate 555 cc implants. So if anyone is not fortunate with the genetic wheel it can be modified. So do not fret. I gave it 2 years which wound up to be 2.5 years after a complication.

One of the things I stressed about before and after the BA was what size. Part of me wants larger but part of me wants the size I am. I guess it is sparked by seeing other woman with larger breasts and thinking they look more beautiful than me in part due to their larger breasts.

It was put to me in a way that made perfect sense. If I had larger boobs it would draw attention to my smaller hips. The person said it is about proportion and not just size.

So be you and be beautiful and if you get a BA keep in mind proportion and give HRT 2 years. 

Rachel
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Linde on July 29, 2019, 09:57:22 pm


One of the things I stressed about before and after the BA was what size. Part of me wants larger but part of me wants the size I am. I guess it is sparked by seeing other woman with larger breasts and thinking they look more beautiful than me in part due to their larger breasts.

Rachel
all social media is pointing out that large boobs are a thing of yesterday.  All the movie stars get their implants removed, because small boobs is the new beauty standard!
I am happy with mine, I think they fit well with the dimensions of the rest of my body, specifically now that I lost 25 pounds.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Kendra on July 30, 2019, 12:52:50 pm
As a moderator I need to provide a friendly but firm reminder: please do not diagnose others (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,145429.0.html), and that includes which HRT delivery system is the best for individuals other than yourself.  It can be very helpful when we share our personal experiences, but each individual has a unique background, medical history and goals.

Thanks
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Faith on July 30, 2019, 01:02:02 pm
Boy howdy.

Got unlucky with my injection site last Thursday and hit a blood vessel. Hurt like all get out, and I've got a bruise the size of a quarter on the front of my thigh.

Oh, the injustice of it all!

ugh. I did that once. It was towards the surface so I bruised and bled a big puddle as well.

To avoid this, I take pills sublingually .. <snip>

I started with sublingual, I personally prefer the injections. I'm on a two week cycle and I don't notice a big fluctuation except sometimes one emotional surge 2-3 days after the injection. I find that my body has responded much better to the injections.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 30, 2019, 02:41:23 pm
ugh. I did that once. It was towards the surface so I bruised and bled a big puddle as well.


May I also do so but once. A puddle? Yikes!

I only hit a vein, so the blood wasn't under a ton of pressure. Fairly easy to stanch once I lay down with some pillows under my hips. Not exactly the most dignified position to find oneself in, and I wasn't looking forward to explaining what was going on had someone walked in. Lying on the sofa, leggings to your knees, clutching your bloody thigh, a used hypodermic on the coffee table ... not a good look.



Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 01, 2019, 09:21:41 pm
Estrogen Thursday! Yayyyyy!

I found myself at the end of today's injection both sanguine and unensanguined, full of rich tittyjuice goodness.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki on August 02, 2019, 06:23:12 am
Estrogen Thursday! Yayyyyy!

I found myself at the end of today's injection both sanguine and unensanguined, full of rich tittyjuice goodness.

Braggart! I have to wait until Monday to get my next reaffirmation boost. I started injections last Monday and thinking I should have moved away from oral meds when we first noticed I was having a hard time keeping in the Estro-zone.

You sound happy. Perhaps we can work on our lady language this week?

Hugs,

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 02, 2019, 01:29:46 pm
Perhaps we can work on our lady language this week?


What, you got problems with sesquipedalianisms? This is a tough crowd.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on August 02, 2019, 01:33:02 pm
Quote
I only hit a vein

You're so vein.   ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cleCtBP0o5Y (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cleCtBP0o5Y)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 02, 2019, 04:30:22 pm
I do think this thread is about me.


Title: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: steph2.0 on August 04, 2019, 10:08:35 am
Let’s fly our Learjet to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of... just about anything through @KathyLauren’s telescope.


Stephanie
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Donica on August 04, 2019, 12:13:40 pm
Let’s fly our Learjet to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of... just about anything through @Kathy_Lauren’s telescope.


Stephanie
Oh! Oh! I'll go???

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Donica on August 04, 2019, 12:14:47 pm
Oh! Oh! I'll go???

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk
I'll pay for the Jet A!

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on August 04, 2019, 12:23:06 pm
Let’s fly our Learjet to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of...

Darn!  Mine's in the shop.   ;)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki on August 05, 2019, 12:21:57 am
Darn!  Mine's in the shop.   ;)

Yeah. Mine too. I no longer can use the Mason's Black Helicopters either so, no back up flight method.

Hugs,

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 12, 2019, 11:52:27 am
Squee! Hormones are working!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Even though the changes don't seem that huge to me when I see them on a daily basis, I"m getting wonderful feedback.


Sure, I've also lost a lot of weight since I last saw my friend, and a chiropractor is going to be more attuned to physical changes than your average person. But I also take a daily photo, and with a little foundation and some mascara, the transformation since I started HRT is really something. Not quite Male Fail territory yet, but give me a couple more months, and I'm betting on it.

If only these boobs would shift into high gear, darnit
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on August 12, 2019, 12:00:37 pm
Quote
If only these boobs would shift into high gear, darnit

My feelings exactly.  I'm about a month behind you and have noticed significant growth over time, but not quick enough.   ;)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on August 13, 2019, 02:24:53 pm
Let’s fly our Learjet to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of... just about anything through @KathyLauren’s telescope.


Stephanie

Well I missed the Jet but saw the last total Eclipse of the sun and I do think this thread is all about me...  I'm not sure I'm with an underworld stranger but considering that wife of a close friend... >:-) hummm?  ???  NOPE!  I'm not that kind of person.   :angel:
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on August 13, 2019, 02:26:35 pm
Squee! Hormones are working!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Even though the changes don't seem that huge to me when I see them on a daily basis, I"m getting wonderful feedback.

  • I had lunch with a high school friend last week. We hadn't seen each other for a few years. He kept staring at me for the first 15-20 minutes of the meal, and when I finally told him my Coming Out story, he admitted that he hadn't recognized me at first.

  • Went to my chiropractor today (Tuesday, Aug 12). I last saw him this past Thursday, Aug 8. I wasn't Out to him... until today, when he commented that I was transitioning "right before his eyes" and asked whether I wanted to be called "they." No beating around the bush with that guy anymore.

Sure, I've also lost a lot of weight since I last saw my friend, and a chiropractor is going to be more attuned to physical changes than your average person. But I also take a daily photo, and with a little foundation and some mascara, the transformation since I started HRT is really something. Not quite Male Fail territory yet, but give me a couple more months, and I'm betting on it.

If only these boobs would shift into high gear, darnit

I still think the hips and butt are more important but hey.... thats me.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 14, 2019, 04:47:45 pm
I still think the hips and butt are more important but hey.... thats me.

Those, too would be great. At this stage of my life, I think I'd settle for a waist.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: KathyLauren on August 14, 2019, 04:59:50 pm
Let’s fly our Learjet to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of... just about anything through @KathyLauren’s telescope.


Stephanie

Your tag didn't tag me, so I am only finding this now.  That song lyric was from July 10th, 1972, the last total eclipse in this area.

The next nearby one is April 8th, 2024, in New Brunswick.  If you all want to stop by in your Learjet and pick me up, I'll be happy to watch it with you.  I want to fly the jet, though.

I'll be happy to show anyone anything through the telescope, weather permitting.

Squee! Hormones are working!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Giving you your thread back, congratulations on the progress!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 23, 2019, 11:53:29 pm
Zowie. I think I managed to jab the needle into a nerve this week. Top of the thigh feels like I took an elbow right in the crease between the muscles.

One certainly receives a training in practical anatomy during this process.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Lexxi on August 24, 2019, 12:15:09 am
Zowie. I think I managed to jab the needle into a nerve this week. Top of the thigh feels like I took an elbow right in the crease between the muscles.

One certainly receives a training in practical anatomy during this process.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

I did that a couple of weeks ago. When I put the needle in it suddenly looked and felt like I had a couple of electric eels under my skin and they were fighting. lol
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki on August 28, 2019, 02:55:39 pm
Squee! Hormones are working!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


If only these boobs would shift into high gear, darnit

Be very careful what you wish for because wow...sensitive while growing!

The spouse and I just got back from Ireland where we did 17 to 23k steps a day for 2 weeks looking at standing stone circles and castles and Abbeys! My ass looks great as a result. Just sayin'

Hugs,

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 28, 2019, 04:42:36 pm
Time for a little health update.

July wasn't a great month for me health-wise. I got hit with a nasty tummy bug that just wouldn't clear up. Dropped a bunch of weight as a result. Not that I couldn't stand to lose weight, but that ain't the way I'd choose to do it.

Worse, a couple of people mentioned they thought I looked a little jaundiced. Maybe that was a trick of the light, and my skin does have golden undertones, but when you're a recovering alcoholic, any mention of liver dysfunction sets your teeth on edge.

Off to the GI doc I went. He poked and prodded, asked about my history with hepatitis, said I looked fine, ordered a bunch of tests. All the results came back okay. My blood sugar is now in a normal, healthy range, which it hasn't been in forever. probably from losing all that weight. Who knew dysentery could be good for you?

While I was in getting GI doc's blood draws, I also got my E and T draws done for my upcoming appointment with my endocrinologist. Those results were... interesting.

T was where about where you'd expect it to be - p close to zero - but the E came in at 62 pg/ml.

62? <I don't understand>?

I've been jabbing myself every week for six months, bursting blood vessels and dissecting nerves, and all we're getting to is stinking 62? How is this even possible? Last time we ran the test, it came in at 122! Is this test even useful? How much titty juice am I going to have to shoot up every week to get to any kind of meaningful numbers?

I called Endo and asked him what he thought. He thought it was laboratory error and said to do it again.

Hmmph. Fine. Stupid blood tests.

Back to the lab for another draw this past Friday, the 23rd.

One key thing to know about my blood draws: I only do them on Fridays. Why? Because I normally self-administer my E on Thursdays, and Endo wants me to to my draws at the lowest point of my cycle, so I wait until Friday to give my body enough time to clear as much as it's going to in a weekly cycle.

Next thing to know about this goofy reading of 62: I didn't get the result back until seven days after I did the blood draw.

I got the results from Friday the 23rd's draw first thing Monday morning, the 26th.

Its reading? 243 pg/ml.

Right...

Once again, <I don't understand>? I mean, I guess I'm reassured that we're able to measure a level of E in a more-or-less acceptable range. 243 is a lot more consistent with my incipient boobage than 62. But seriously, a test that throws out random results is hardly worth executing, and that phlebotomist left me with a bruise the size of a silver dollar.

The results from the second test came just in time, as Monday was also my appointment with Endo. He checked me over, said everything looked pretty good, proposed we stay the course. I have no reason to disagree, so that's where we're headed.

I did grouse at him about the difference in the test results, and he pointed out that estradiol molecules degrade over time. He figures that the 243 is an upper bound of what we'd measure when a blood sample is handled well and processed quickly, while the sample that came in at 62 may well have baked in the trunk of some courier's car for a couple of days before it got to the processing lab. Even if it had been handled well, they assuredly didn't process it right away, and the number went lower with every tick of the clock.

So that's what I learned about reading my E results from now on: that I should just lighten the heck up.

I'm down thirty pounds from where I was back in January. Some of it's fat, some of it's muscle. I definitely need some new belts.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki on August 29, 2019, 03:05:13 am
@ Goddess of Battle

Dahm girl?! 30lbs? yeah, you need to get some of that back. Good news: On estradiol it will go to your ass first! That's how mine snuck up on me...from behind! I am really glad you are feeling better.

I had a bizzaro E reading 5 months ago at 55pg/ml. when 6 weeks earlier on the same dosage (oral). Dunno. Now I am on stabby stabby delivery of E, I too have been told to get draws the day before, so I go back on the 7th to see how close injections are getting me to target level after 6 weeks. We added progesterone at the same time so multiple variables yippee! Judging by how much my chest is complaining with the "I'm growing!!!" pains, I suspect it's a lot higher than the 95pg/ml it was in the 3rd week of July.

Your comment about your recovery kinda struck me as appropriate: Transition is much like a 12 step program --- One day at a time!

There is a trick to not hitting a blood vessel, or at least not injecting into one. Once the needle is all the way in try to pull back a bit. Not hard mind you! If you see blood, you hit a vessel. Reposition the needle. If you don't, you're good and press down. When all the way down , sigh and smile like the Goddess you are! :)

Hugs,

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Anna_Swe on September 02, 2019, 09:36:48 am
Congratulations!
Love your humorous writing too :)

I cannot wait until I get the chance to get my own hormones but I am very happy for you! :)

Hugs!

//Anna
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AnneK on September 02, 2019, 09:39:37 am
I cannot wait until I get the chance to get my own hormones but I am very happy for you! :)

What are you waiting for?

I've been on 'em for about 4.5 months and enjoying the results!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on September 09, 2019, 02:45:59 pm
What are you waiting for?

Boy howdy, there's a question with a complicated set of answers, ain't it?

Over and over, from the perspective of having taken each successive step in transition, I realize it was so easy. Just one little step. No big deal. I was going to have done it eventually, anyway. Might as well have gone and done it a while ago. Whatever had I been waiting for?

But prior to taking that step, what a yawning gulf of confidence always stretched before me! What would everyone say? What would they think, even if they were polite enough not to say anything? What would the social consequences be? The professional consequences? Would I regret it? Would I ever be able to take it back?


What if I was just confused and it was all a big mistake?


What if it all went wrong?


If it's a step, it's a hesitation, an evaluation, a reason for pause in the process. Something is telling me I'm not quite ready and that I need to get myself psychically prepared before proceeding.

Inevitably I surprise myself with how prepared I actually was. This whole thread began with an attempt to blame my endocrinologist for tempting me into a decision I wasn't ready for, but c'mon. I was ready for it; I just didn't want to admit it.

Maybe y'all have read my post about the sensation of the snowball:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,246580.msg2254573.html#msg2254573

It received some excellent replies having to do with the snowball metaphor as an attempt to avoid recognizing that one owns each step one takes. On reflection afterwards, I feel wonderful liberation with every step I take and a lifetime of regret and pain and rage and despair over not having taken it a long, long time ago. I berate the self who never had the courage to take these steps, pretend to be the out-of-control self taking them, and try not to recognize the terrified self who, despite all her anxieties, worries, and fears, I must not unlash from the mast.


I talk to my Higher Power every now and again. You’re supposed to have a Higher Power in Alcoholics Anonymous, which, being a fairly atheistical person, I found rather obnoxious at first, but then She started showing up. Oh, well – I’m not dumb enough to try to fight Her. I just try to listen.

I was having a heartwrenching session with Tdoc a while ago. All my fears were coming out, my fears of failed transition, my fears that I’d only get partway through before chickening out, my fears that I’d look hideous, that I’d never be accepted, that I’d never be loved.

Right in the middle of it all, all the <not allowed> and moaning and anxieties and tears, the Goddess piped up and (as she so often does) dope-slapped me upside the back of my head.

“Darling,” she said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It’s a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.

“But all you get to do is choose. Simple as that. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.

“You can start walking the path now, or you can start walking it later. You can take a break anytime you want. But you aren’t getting any younger, and time’s a-wasting.

“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.

“Now make your choice.”


Well, nuts. When you put it that way…

It’s not that She necessarily helped me feel better or more secure about transitioning or taking each successive step. I think that I’ve made that clear with each successive rumination I post. Heck, my feelings are all over the freakin’ place. (Stupid estrogen doesn’t make it any easier, lemme tell ya!)

However, She did provide clarity of purpose. I've spent a long darn time figuring out who I am and what I aim to do about it, and all my emotional turmoil one way or another isn’t going to get me any closer to where I need to go.


What are you waiting for?



I’m not.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on October 24, 2019, 04:09:59 pm
Lady at Ulta yesterday: What do you do for your skin care?

Me: Estrogen.



Transition is so ridiculous.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on November 27, 2019, 03:15:43 pm
Checkout Lady at Trader Joe's today: "You look sort of like Jenner."

Me: "Huh. You sorta do, too."

Lesson learned: Go easier on the foundation.


Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on December 01, 2019, 04:25:28 pm
Well, I'm right and truly busted.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You go around wearing nail polish and mascara and start growing a pair of breasts, and people are going to start putting two and two together. The Girls are getting too big to ignore.

We have a couple of block parties on our street every year, one in the summer and one in the fall. Held the autumn one a few weeks ago. They’re pretty great. We close off the street on either end so the kids can run around without worrying about traffic. The whole block gets together for pot-luck meals and bonhomie. Needless to say, there’s a lot of drinking involved.   >:-)

So anyway, we have a grand old time welcoming new neighbors and admiring each other’s kids, catching up on everyone else’s lives and reporting on our own. I’m not Out to anyone other than close friends and family, or at least I wasn’t, but more on that anon.

We’ve been in our house for twenty years and are on good terms with our neighbors. I’m outgoing to begin with, and those block parties were an excuse to get lit up and lively. Whoever didn’t know me before the karaoke sure did afterwards.

This one was mostly like usual. I’m over the drinking part, but it’s still fun to hang out with everyone. However, it seemed that some folks were … extra inquisitive. Typical questions such as “how you doing, [Battle Goddess]?” or “what’s new?” didn’t seem to be delivered with the same sort of easy nonchalance one might expect.  Felt like they came with Significant Looks and a few too many pregnant pauses.

But what’s a girl to do? I wasn’t creeped out much more than usual. One lives with plenty of discomfort during transition. Suck it up, toss one more log on the fire, get used to the heat. Go ahead and sweat for all the good it’ll do. When it gets to the point where you’re beyond wanting a brassiere and actually needing one, it’s time to be realistic about public perception.

Still, it wasn’t all that comfortable when my female friend from across the way walked over, leaned in a little too close, and asked if I was actually wearing mascara. I’d seen her toking up earlier. Maybe it was to get up the courage to ask. Idk. But still, we were out in the middle of the street with plenty of people around. Not exactly where I’d want to hold my Coming Out party. Last thing I needed was to have to explain, and re-explain, and re-re-explain what I’m going through to a bunch of drunks who’d only get it stupid and wrong, and then wait for neighborhood gossip to bite me in the ass.

At least she had the courtesy to lower her voice. I have personal space issues (thanks, Complex PTSD!), so someone lurching so close and asking something with such potential consequences left me grappling with the ol’ fight-or-flight response. Neither was really an option in this case. She honestly is a friend. It’s not as if I could just turn on my heels and stalk away. Couldn’t deck her. Too many witnesses.

You know what else, though? Only way to manage a rumor is to get out in front of it.

So I gritted my teeth, took her aside, asked her not to let it get around, and Came Out to her.

No, it was not comfortable. Tbh it felt like a huge violation. Curiosity is no reason to pry into anyone’s private life, and I’ll talk about myself when I’m ready, tyvm.

Sigh. When am I ever going to be ready?

Her justification was that she’d known a couple from her old church that had gone poly and had clearly invited another person into their relationship, and she had failed to acknowledge her acceptance of their new lifestyle to them, and she wanted to make sure she never made that mistake again.

Huh. Okay. That’s actually… kinda sweet. A little offbeat as background stories go, but I guess her heart was in the right place. Heaven knows I’ll take any support I can get – it’s not as though I get much at home.

It also… royally sucked. It’s hard to trust. I live in one of those painfully liberal towns where virtue signaling is endemic. People are still people, though, so most folks are really only in favor of “diversity” and “equity” and “representation” as long as it doesn’t cost them anything. You should have heard the howls when the high school got rid of AP classes because of racial disparities in the mix of kids who took them.

Don’t get me wrong – I’d liefer live here than somewhere hateful – but one grows jaded and cynical, even in the face of generosity. You never know if someone is being nice to you just because they’re checking a box on their self-congratulatory scorecard. Even as I sat with my friend, pouring my heartfelt transition story out to her, I still couldn’t get past that fundamental fear.

Fear is a hell of a thing, isn’t it? There I was, presented with an opportunity to be myself with another human being, and I resented having to do it, I could only barely do it, I had to ask her not to let anyone else know, and I could scarce admit to myself that she really truly cared.

I’m going to have to get better at this. I’ve been on hormones for almost a year, and like I said, the Girls are getting too big to ignore. My face is changing, my skin has already changed, and on a good hair day I can convince myself that I could almost pass. It feels like the time to go public is nearly at hand, whether I like it or not.

But when am I going to be ready?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AllieSF on December 02, 2019, 02:27:06 pm
Battle,

One step at a time at your own speed, as much as you can control that when influenced by outside factors.  She was wrong, your neighbor good friend, and in a way she was also probably right, when acting as a friend, to try to find out what was going on with you.  One is intrusion and the other is being a true friend, nosy or not.

Though you should only move at your pace, when things like this happen, as you said so well, love your style of writing!, maybe it is a hint from somewhere to maybe reconsider your pace.

As others have probably told you, coming out gave them a wonderful type of freedom.  I felt that freedom too and I was in a much less constricting place in my life than yours.  I was single, living alone, retired, old and well matured like a good rib eye steak.  I was not afraid of coming out, but only wanted to do it when I felt that I needed to, i.e. I was actually planning on transitioning.  Before that I considered myself a crossdresser, then a crossdresser plus, then a crossdresser plus, plus, and then finally a crossdresser plus, plus, plus.  I told myself that writing out that last descriptor was too hard and accepted the fact that the next step would be the next right one.  I did, was elated and relieved (no more hiding and sneaking around, which was very easy for me) and free to be my new self determined self.  I was happy then and am still happy even after, and still, dealing with acceptance issues from my adult "kids".  When you are ready, try it, you just may like it.

Good luck.

Allie

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ricki on December 03, 2019, 07:20:04 pm
I had my "ah ha" moment in my intro linked below on 15Oct18. I came out full time on 14Oct19 when I started my new job, 3 weeks before my 1 year mark on HRT.

Was I scared the offer letter was going to be withdrawn when I asked if I could come into work under my chosen name? Hellz yes! Has it been totally worth it to see my name on my desk, my email, my network accounts? Absolutely. Did I almost cry when I saw my new legal name in the web reporting tool for payroll (I legally changed it on 22Nov19)? You betcha.

The fear I felt was nowhere near as painful as gender dysphoria, and the rewards have been a return of exponential proportions.

When you are ready, you will know.

Ricki
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on January 20, 2020, 03:11:05 pm

But when am I going to be ready?

I think I'm getting close to ready.

Had my first Male Fails! Squeeeee! Three of them! :D

The first one was at a valet parking. The kid walked up from behind, opened the door for my keys, and addressed me as "ma'am." I imagine that shoulder-length hair, a hairband, and nail polish were the cues.

The second two were at two different stores of a coffee shop chain where I use my phone to pay for my drinks. I've loaded my chosen name into the coffee chain's app because wth, I get to. There ain't no app police, or if there are, they haven't caught up with me yet!   >:-)  :police:

At Coffee Shop #1, I walked up to the counter to pay. One's name appears on the clerk's register, and she seemed quite taken by it. Asked if it was my "real name." Now, my chosen name is rather exotic, but it's clearly feminine. You wouldn't give it to a fella. My hope-filled noggin quickly surmised that she thought my parents had originally graced this little afab with another, more common name. I smiled and mumbled something about how early transition is kind of a bear. She got this surprised bug-eye on her face and took a step back, then smiled at me and said, "You're beautiful!"

Oh, goodness. Talk about making a person melt right there on the spot. Maybe she'd just been angling for a helluva tip from the outset, maybe not, I don't care. She got one.

Final Male Fail was at a different coffee shop of the same chain. It was a drive-thru. I paid with my phone, the boy handed me my coffee, said "thank you, ma'am," and nonchalantly turned back to his work.

Whew.

Okay, I'll admit that all of these folks were Gen-Z types. Maybe they're of the kind less likely to be judgmental, and I do live in a very liberal area. Might be sampling bias (said the statistician, reflexively). Am I fishing for hope, any hope at all? Better believe it!

But it has given me a little more confidence. I went to the movies and out to dinner last night without obscuring The Girls under (for instance) a loose, unzipped hoodie. There was no mistaking their presence. Also had on full warpaint, foundation through mascara, as in there was visibly no question I was wearing it. I'm getting really good at mascara - my eyes are gorgeous!

Can't say as I wasn't a little worried we'd run into one of the neighbors, but I'm beginning not to be so fearful of it. Am actually looking forward to it a little bit now. Time to stop feeling as though one is sneaking about. There's two ladies on the block who I know as if I Came Out to them and asked them to keep it to themselves, the whole block would know in about fifteen minutes. Might be simplest that way: do it wholesale rather than retail.

Changes are afoot. Today marks my one year estroversary. My voice is changing. Not, of course, physically, but I find myself unconsciously in my new range/timbre and my new accent more and more.

I'm becoming me.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Rachel on January 20, 2020, 05:54:54 pm
Congratulations on your successes. It is important to look at how far you have come and celebrate the success.

I have been on HRT for 6.5 years. When I was a year on HRT I could not pass. I think at the 5 year mark I was passing well. Now I think I blend in very well. I never get misgendered and guys hold the door for me consistently. I have confidence and that makes a huge difference. So if you have been on HRT for a year and almost pass then you will do well.

When I came out at work it was expected I express ( I was told by HR if I used the male bathrooms I would receive disciplinary action). I came out on a Friday and came into work on a Monday in male clothing. I was so scared to express. Well co-workers questioned me and the next day and from that moment on I expressed. I love to express my gender now. It was quite scary at first. I look back and realize I put myself through hell.

About telling folks. Sooner or later the word will get out if you tell folks little by little. So at some point you may want to rip the band aide off. After a brief commotion everyone just moved on the next topic of the day. My ex filed for divorce at that juncture.

Three years ago a woman was accusatory in a bathroom about blood on the bowl. I just looked with sheepish eyes and put my head down a bit. Inside I was so happy. She thought I had my period.

Good luck,
Rachel
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on January 23, 2020, 05:02:18 pm
Different sort of Male Fail last night.

Went out to meet an old colleague for dinner; hadn't seen each other for a few years. There'd be no hiding the changes from him, so I went out in full warpaint, full dress.

I got to the restaurant first. Hostess seated me at one of those high-top tables maybe ten feet from the door. I took a seat facing the door, highly visible and smack out in the open, and texted my friend where to look for me.

Sure enough, when he came in, he looked right through me as he searched the restaurant for our table. He scanned the room, to my growing amusement, several times before I finally took pity and called him over. As one might surmise, his face registered surprise as he crossed to our table.

"Do I ever have an interesting story to tell you!" I began, and then we had a very nice evening catching up. He was kind, generous, accepting, and supportive, as has been every single one of my friends. I've truly been blessed. At least so far.

(A side note: "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR GENITALS?" did come up. Sigh.)

My friend allowed as he saw elements of Former Me in me now. I do, too - more than I'd care to. Our hostess and server clearly recognized me as trans but were good enough to treat me (when alone) and my friend and I (when together) just like any regular customers. It was all in all a very nice evening.

I honestly think that in this case, I actually Male Failed to myself. I went out in full dress. Went out in full warpaint. Didn't try to hide The Girls. Practiced my voice in public. Just... did it, and didn't fret, and didn't act as though there were anything wrong, and enjoyed it. I neither judged myself harshly nor condemned myself nor called myself a weirdo. I simply dressed up nice and went out to see my buddy, and it was fun.

Yah, bit by bit I'm getting ready.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AllieSF on January 23, 2020, 06:13:25 pm
Battle,

That is the BEST way to do it.  Just be yourself.  Any faults in presentation, voice or whatever can be dealt with when you are ready to devote the time and energy to do it.  Congratulations and good luck in the future.

Allie
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 01, 2020, 05:37:15 pm
I imagine many of us have heard the term "gaydar," but is there such a thing as "transdar?"

Had lunch today with another old colleague. Once again I went in full dress, full makeup.

He got to the restaurant before me this time. When I came up to our booth, he looked up from his menu, greeted me without any indication of surprise, and turned back to the menu.

As I slid into the booth, I asked if he had any questions. "Nah," he said, "I figured it out a while ago."

Okay...

Mind you, I hadn't seen him but twice in the last year, the last time eight months ago, and I was presenting totally straight both times.

We had a good lunch, talking about our industry, griping about how nobody understands the craft like we do, and rolling our eyes at Kids These Days, blah blah blah. Two veterans who've already made all the mistakes you make enough to learn not to make them anymore.

When it came time to leave, I just had to scratch that itch: "When did you figure me out?"

"A year ago," he says.

Gee whiz. I was about one month into transition a year ago. I'd just started HRT, everything was still new and bizarre to me, and I didn't perceive myself as having changed at all yet. I seriously wasn't doing anything non-heteronormative (I think) when we saw each other a year ago.

I figure my buddy is ultra-perceptive or that I'm broadcasting on wavelengths that I never even knew about.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 03, 2020, 10:14:39 am
... or, as an alternative hypothesis, my friend from Saturday is ultra-heteronormative, and it was the only conclusion he could come to.

Because as a counterexample, I went out to hang with another friend last night. Full dress, full warpaint. This took a little boldness on my part because I was meeting him in my own town. All the other Coming Outs had been elsewhere, with low chances of being seen by neighbors or acquaintances. Last night I had to park and walk a block or two to the restaurant. I must admit to a few butterflies!

My friend, bless him, played it totally cool. He ignored the makeup, paid no attention to the new jewelry, and didn't even seem to notice The Girls. We just caught up on each other's families and watched the football game.

When it came time to split, I asked him if he had any questions.

"About what?" He asked.

"[Friend], I'm transitioning."

The Face of Perplexity descended upon him for a moment. "Transitioning?...Oooooh!"

If there is such a thing as transdar, our boy needs to get himself down to the Radio Shack for some new vacuum tubes.

There followed the usual cavalcade of questions (among which, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR GENITALS?), and, as has been the case with all of my friends so far, acceptance and support. I'm a fortunate girl.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 05, 2020, 05:59:25 pm
Aargh.

It's cold and flu season where I live, and the weather has been bumping around unpredictably from frigid to bearable, so predictably, everybody's got a cold (or the flu). I got my shot, so I knew what I had wasn't the flu. I hope you folks got your shots, too. It still isn't too late!

But I did have a cold with a nasty cough for the last three weeks that I just couldn't shake. Not enough to keep me in bed, but enough to keep me at home dragging my sorry a** from room to room wishing it'd finally finish me off. Of a morning I'd think I was turning the corner, go out for groceries, and then I'd have to get horizontal for the rest of the day.

Only fun part of the whole time was my semi-annual trip to get my highlights refreshed. Somehow I blundered into a gal who's very trans-friendly, and she's been making do and doing a lot with not very much over the last couple of years while I've grown my hair out.

We keep putting more and more red in the highlights each time, and it looks better and better each time. I always let her have playtime with my hair afterwards. I've ended up with ringlets, waves, all sorts of stuff. Now my hair is long enough to braid, so this is what she did for me! SQUEEEEE!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200205/944817555d3f65b4f2058a0ab0590a0d.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200205/6ec727f79dde963d430f88c5936d6cb8.jpg)


Oh, and I finally went to the doctor.

Sinus infection leading to viral bronchitis. Steroids, antibiotics, and an albuterol inhaler. Crummy steroids are making me batty. Welcome to the life bipolar!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maddie on February 05, 2020, 11:04:32 pm
Nice color
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on February 06, 2020, 02:58:23 am
Aargh.

It's cold and flu season where I live, and the weather has been bumping around unpredictably from frigid to bearable, so predictably, everybody's got a cold (or the flu). I got my shot, so I knew what I had wasn't the flu. I hope you folks got your shots, too. It still isn't too late!

But I did have a cold with a nasty cough for the last three weeks that I just couldn't shake. Not enough to keep me in bed, but enough to keep me at home dragging my sorry a** from room to room wishing it'd finally finish me off. Of a morning I'd think I was turning the corner, go out for groceries, and then I'd have to get horizontal for the rest of the day.

Only fun part of the whole time was my semi-annual trip to get my highlights refreshed. Somehow I blundered into a gal who's very trans-friendly, and she's been making do and doing a lot with not very much over the last couple of years while I've grown my hair out.

We keep putting more and more red in the highlights each time, and it looks better and better each time. I always let her have playtime with my hair afterwards. I've ended up with ringlets, waves, all sorts of stuff. Now my hair is long enough to braid, so this is what she did for me! SQUEEEEE!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200205/944817555d3f65b4f2058a0ab0590a0d.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200205/6ec727f79dde963d430f88c5936d6cb8.jpg)


Oh, and I finally went to the doctor.

Sinus infection leading to viral bronchitis. Steroids, antibiotics, and an albuterol inhaler. Crummy steroids are making me batty. Welcome to the life bipolar!

Your hair looks great.  I have a weakness for redheads...  You heartbreakers!  ;-)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 06, 2020, 12:37:21 pm
Nice color
Thank you. My grandmother had red hair. I ended up with brown that bleaches blonde in the sun, but everyone is telling me that the red suits my skin tone better. I like your silver! You wear it well.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 06, 2020, 01:41:04 pm
Your hair looks great.  I have a weakness for redheads...  You heartbreakers!  ;-)
Inorite? 10,000 years of Scots-Irish inbreeding have left me with serious hots for the redheads.

With a blank canvas to work with, it would seem that I'm becoming the woman I've always lusted after. Except for, y'know, the giant Man Hands, the jaw that could crack walnuts, and the body shaped like a fireplug, that is.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maddie on February 06, 2020, 10:06:34 pm

Thank you. My grandmother had red hair. I ended up with brown that bleaches blonde in the sun, but everyone is telling me that the red suits my skin tone better. I like your silver! You wear it well.

Thank you.
Agreed your hair and skin are quite right together
Some traits of mine are also becoming just a little like those of women I wanted.
Might be seeing what I'm dreaming.
Dream into being.
Dream on :)


Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 03, 2020, 09:38:06 pm
Woo-hoo! Got a Male Fail at the Costco today!

Thank you, Lady-Who-Checks-Your-Receipts-At-The-Exit!

No side-eye, no raised eyebrow, no forced inflection. Just a simple "Thank you, ma'am" and a smile.

Boy howdy, I could get used to this.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maddie on March 03, 2020, 09:56:15 pm
Woohoo

Good for you girl!
 :) :) :)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 13, 2020, 05:45:21 pm
Yayyyyy! Different grocery store but another Male Fail! I gotta get out of the house more often!

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: ChrissyRyan on March 13, 2020, 05:46:48 pm
Yayyyyy! Different grocery store but another Male Fail! I gotta get out of the house more often!



Make it so!

Chrissy
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maddie on March 13, 2020, 09:29:00 pm
 8)
You're on a roll girl
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 13, 2020, 10:16:27 pm
Surely headed for a miserable fall, but I'll take it while I can get it.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 21, 2020, 02:29:14 am
Far out! Best Male Fail yet!


Was purchasing my last pre-lockdown groceries today when someone called to me (from behind), "Excuse me, Miss?"
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: steph2.0 on March 21, 2020, 07:01:27 am
Far out! Best Male Fail yet!


Was purchasing my last pre-lockdown groceries today when someone called to me (from behind), "Excuse me, Miss?"
It’s one of those weird situations where you just want to SQUEEEE right then and there, but you have be to so careful not to overreact and out yourself. It’s such a wonderful feeling! It’s obvious you can look forward to more and more occurrences until it becomes “the new norm.” Believe me, though, it never gets old!

Congratulations, girl!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 21, 2020, 10:30:43 am
Plus, maybe I don't have a middle-aged hiney!


Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: steph2.0 on March 21, 2020, 01:36:54 pm
Plus, maybe I don't have a middle-aged hiney!


It was pointed out to me a while ago that when we are done with transition and fat redistribution, we may end up with body shapes that are the envy of many ciswomen because we won’t have the middle age spread.

I admit that I am thrilled with the shape I ended up with. Full disclosure, I short cut the process by getting lipo body sculpting. They pulled fat out of my mid section and put it where I needed it. I think it would have happened naturally over time, but at my age I don’t have time to waste. Warning: out of everything I’ve had done, including GCS, it was by far the most painful procedure I had done.

I would try to show what I ended up with with a bikini pic (I’ve tried already in the “You Look Fabulous Darling” thread) but Tapatalk won’t post it because it thinks it’s porn. I admit it’s disturbing, but not for that reason!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Donica on March 21, 2020, 05:03:10 pm
Stephanie! I could use a little help from lipo body sculpting myself. Admittedly my first endo kept me at a very low dose for the first half of my time on HRT, so I didn't see much change. The second half was only marginally better on a full dose. But with injections, I've seen a major boost growth in the girls but still marginal in my hips and derriere.

I have a friend that went through lipo body sculpting a few months ago. It may be due to who she went to but it was a horrible experience for her. They did the procedure and sent her on her way the same day.

I understand Kaiser may eventually cover lipo body sculpting, but as you described it and seeing what my friend went through, I may give HRT another year or so before signing up. It is a cause of dysphoria for me.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 07, 2020, 12:17:20 pm
Ah, estrogen! Time for my weekly shot of sweet, sweet estrogen! Wish I'd had this stuff when I was going through my first puberty.

If anyone wonders why my recent Male Fails are all happening at grocery stores, it's because I'm the one in my household who runs errands during lockdown. No sense in exposing everyone else.

And I got another Male Fail the other day at another grocery store!  :D

This time it was a little guy, maybe five years old. I passed him and his mother in the aisle, and he referred to me as "that lady" in talking to his mom. Seems that a ponytail, makeup, nail polish, and breasts are pretty strong cues. Go figure.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 28, 2020, 05:48:50 pm
Got some feedback I never would have expected today.

My youngest is back home from college, finishing out the term online. She's a little slip of a thing, maybe 100 lbs. soaking wet.

Today she told me, "The only thing I don't like about your transition is that your breasts are bigger than mine!"



Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: AllieSF on April 28, 2020, 06:55:07 pm
What do they say?, .... "From the mouths of babes!"!  That is wonderful.  Please give her a big hug from all of us.

Allie
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 28, 2020, 09:48:42 pm
Being a fond, foolish father, I think my kid is utterly gorgeous, and she looks entirely proportionate to my eyes.

I, on the other hand, am short and barrel-chested, sorta like a fire hydrant with arms - I don't yet have anywhere near the development I desire and wouldn't doubt that BA lies in the future should I wish to have a pair that suits my build.

(How about that for a long sentence? Y'all think I don't have fun playing with the language when I post on here?)

So... yeah. My poor baby. Of all my many misdeeds as a parent, I never thought I'd make her jealous of my rack.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 10, 2020, 11:05:42 am
Oh, Lordy! I'm still sniffling over this one.

The kid had to hotfoot it out this morning to get a Mother's Day card before DW got up. Kid called me in from the other room that I could sign it.

When I sat down, where was printed "Happy Mother's Day," she had crossed out the apostrophe and had signed "To the mother I've always had, and to the one I'm just getting to know."

Getting choked up recounting this. Feels like my feet are floating about twelve inches off the ground.

Things were pretty bad between her and me for all my rotten behavior during my long years of drinking. I definitely needed to make a change from that life, and it hasn't been easy or fun. But maybe there is a little hope life can get better, huh?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: MikaelaA on May 11, 2020, 03:34:13 pm
Oh, Lordy! I'm still sniffling over this one.

The kid had to hotfoot it out this morning to get a Mother's Day card before DW got up. Kid called me in from the other room that I could sign it.

When I sat down, where was printed "Happy Mother's Day," she had crossed out the apostrophe and had signed "To the mother I've always had, and to the one I'm just getting to know."

Getting choked up recounting this. Feels like my feet are floating about twelve inches off the ground.

Things were pretty bad between her and me for all my rotten behavior during my long years of drinking. I definitely needed to make a change from that life, and it hasn't been easy or fun. But maybe there is a little hope life can get better, huh?

Battle Goddess,  I'm happy you were able to feel so good on Mother's Day. 

......"To the mother I've always had, and to the one I'm just getting to know."......

That is truly awesome  :)


Hugs,

Michelle
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maddie on May 12, 2020, 11:29:17 am
That is a beautiful sentiment!

Sounds like more than a little hope.
Thanks for sharing. Please keep enjoying the rollercoaster ride.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Rachel on May 12, 2020, 05:04:43 pm
That was an awesome card. It sounds like your daughter is trying to patch the past and move forward.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 01, 2020, 11:31:04 pm
Started out writing a post about anosmia to the coronavirus thread, but it ended up getting all personal and reflective, so I decided to put it here instead.

Just for reference, a certain level of anosmia runs in my family. We don't have good senses of smell or taste. I'm fortunate in that I can still smell natural gas, but it's hard to recognize when food has begun to turn. Am perpetually bemused that DW throws away food that smells perfectly good, and I have been very curious what it's been like for folks who have become anosmic as a result of covid.

Hadn't expected it, but HRT has begun to somewhat lift the cloak of my anosmia. I can smell and taste much more vividly! It's thrilling and fascinating, but I also find myself evolving coping strategies. It's not that the new smells are overpowering, but I'm not quite prepared to deal with all of them. Too many mice headed for the mousehole all at the same time. It's just too much.

That's sort of how it was when I was first coming to grips with the unnerving possibility that I might be trans.

I'm a very data-oriented person. Trusting my feelings isn't comfortable. I want empirical evidence. Why was I recognizing this possibility now, I perplexedly wondered? Wth happened? All these new feelings like popcorn kernels bursting one after the other in a mushrooming cascade... it's not that I denied the possibility, but I had to figure out how to dull the clamor and get space to think.

I wish I could have just accepted the possibility right then and there. Meemaw didn't teach me to stand in front of freight trains. The feelings were the empirical data. I was just too scared to admit it. Spent so much time instead with therapists and trying to placate DW and navel-gazing and promising myself that I wouldn't do anything stupid or rash, and it was all time I could have been spending not fighting it. Phooey.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 10, 2020, 01:53:03 pm
Pretty fair day at the ol' grocery store today. Two male falls in one trip!

Best of all, one of them wasn't based on how i looked. It was based on my voice! I've been working so hard on pitch and on moving my resonances from my diaphragm into my upper air column, and its so tiring on my throat muscles, and one gets so frustrated with what feel to me are meager results.

However, once when I asked a clerk for some help, he was looking down at his work but still acknowledged me with a, "Yes, ma'am?"



Must be doing something right!
   


Ooooooh - forgot to mention - managed to get Blue Cross to update their systems, and now my first name is my chosen name as far as they're concerned. They're mailing the new insurance cards.

I guess they don't care what they call me as long as the surname on my policy matches the surname on my bank account.

Dude who took my call was really great about it. I think he was refused at first, so he escalated the request and got approval as long as we only changed my first name.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 01, 2020, 09:30:09 pm
Well, it's finally come to this.

I drank pickle juice today.




I'd always thought the stories were stupid. Who'd actually drink the stuff? Honestly, how ridiculous. Even if spironolactone made you want a little extra salt every now and again, c'mon. Pickle juice? And anyway, I'd never really felt that side effect.

Yet today, I could feel I wanted salt really badly. Beats me why. I just did. There were dill pickles in the fridge. They tasted good. Then I remembered those ridiculous stories of people drinking the pickle juice.

What could it hurt? Just my self-imposed sense of dignity, I guess, so I tried some. Holy Socks, it was good!

Let's face it - that "dignity" is really just an internalized sense of shame hiding behind a snooty mask, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not ashamed to be trans, I'm not ashamed to be transitioning, I'm delighted that I have meds to take, and what's actually wrong with taking a few sips of pickle juice, anyway? I need to lighten up.

Transitioning is hardly a dignified process. Opportunities for gaffes, discomfort, and faux pas abound. I don't know what I don't know, and if I insist on slathering an extra layer of shame onto everything I might do wrong, I'll never get to be myself.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Rakel on July 02, 2020, 05:04:30 am

I drank pickle juice today...

...Pickle juice? ...

...Yet today, I could feel I wanted salt really badly. Beats me why. I just did. There were dill pickles in the fridge. They tasted good. Then I remembered those ridiculous stories of people drinking the pickle juice...


Your body is telling you something. Your electrolytes were a bit too low.

I have also noted that when my body needs something to restore my natural balance, that something seems to taste really good.

There is no harm in drinking a small amount. Pickle juice is essentially saltwater and a few other spices in the mix, but I would not drink pickle juice on a regular basis. I would expect swelling and edema as well as all the other issues from excess salt intake.

Just curious, did you chase the pickle juice with a snack of salty chips or nuts?  :laugh:

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 02, 2020, 11:15:50 am
Your body is telling you something. Your electrolytes were a bit too low.

Darn scientists. Be taking all the angst and introspection out of everything. Can't a person be a whiny pubescent teenage girl every once in a while?

You're the best, Rakel.   :icon_love:


Just curious, did you chase the pickle juice with a snack of salty chips or nuts?  :laugh:

No, after having gobbled down all those pickles, and having preceded it all by eating a half-teaspoon of salt (out of pure biochemical curiosity, mind you), I was pretty well set.   :icon_mrgreen:



That reminds me, I think I drove through Edema once on my way to Oklahoma City.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 03, 2020, 12:15:50 pm
Aargh. Nipples hurt nipples hurt nipples hurt.

Hmmph...

Much as I adore my developing breasts, I'm having very mixed feelings about my nipples.

I was okay with my nipples before all this estrogen business. They were p much afterthoughts. Might as well have been body art except in certain intimate situations, and even then they were more of a bit player than part of the principal cast of characters.

But now? Dayum. Little buggers are a pain in the ... whatever! Can't see anywhere they'd be involved in anything intimate or pleasurable. Tried going braless over the weekend to see what it was like, and that ain't happening again. The skin is fine - no inflammation, no discoloration - but the nerves grumble and growl all day long.

Now that my family is more comfortable with my transition, they're more willing to broach indelicate women's topics around me in everyday conversation. I hear a lot of kvetching about breasts that I never used to hear before. High-maintenance little buggers all around, I guess.

The things you learn...
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maddie on July 09, 2020, 09:02:35 pm
Mine seem less sensitive
More willing to be touched than before HRT.
I believe it's ok to be different.

Happy that you have family, and they are more comfortable with you and your nipples.
Sounds like a good place, BG   :)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 10, 2020, 11:28:57 pm
Yesterday I drank more pickle juice at lunch and enjoyed ice cream after dinner.

Looking at my belly, I'd say that all signs point to my being somewhere early in my second trimester.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 12, 2020, 12:50:04 pm
Grrr...

You know that Far Side cartoon of the crocodile in his therapist's office, and he's confessing to the therapist that when those trusting little birds hop into his mouth to clean his teeth, he's taken to eating them?

Sorta how I feel now when someone calls me "sir." They probably think they're being polite, and all I want is to make them vanish. Immediately. Poof.

How many cues does a girl gotta give? Shoot. A fair piece more, I imagine. Oh, well. At least I know who I am.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on July 13, 2020, 09:28:07 am
Started out writing a post about anosmia to the coronavirus thread, but it ended up getting all personal and reflective, so I decided to put it here instead.

Just for reference, a certain level of anosmia runs in my family. We don't have good senses of smell or taste. I'm fortunate in that I can still smell natural gas, but it's hard to recognize when food has begun to turn. Am perpetually bemused that DW throws away food that smells perfectly good, and I have been very curious what it's been like for folks who have become anosmic as a result of covid.

Hadn't expected it, but HRT has begun to somewhat lift the cloak of my anosmia. I can smell and taste much more vividly! It's thrilling and fascinating, but I also find myself evolving coping strategies. It's not that the new smells are overpowering, but I'm not quite prepared to deal with all of them. Too many mice headed for the mousehole all at the same time. It's just too much.

That's sort of how it was when I was first coming to grips with the unnerving possibility that I might be trans.

I'm a very data-oriented person. Trusting my feelings isn't comfortable. I want empirical evidence. Why was I recognizing this possibility now, I perplexedly wondered? Wth happened? All these new feelings like popcorn kernels bursting one after the other in a mushrooming cascade... it's not that I denied the possibility, but I had to figure out how to dull the clamor and get space to think.

I wish I could have just accepted the possibility right then and there. Meemaw didn't teach me to stand in front of freight trains. The feelings were the empirical data. I was just too scared to admit it. Spent so much time instead with therapists and trying to placate DW and navel-gazing and promising myself that I wouldn't do anything stupid or rash, and it was all time I could have been spending not fighting it. Phooey.
This was one of the effects that going on HRT came as a complete surprise to me.  I expected to have a change how my body smelled but I was overwhelmed with my ability to smell! I have a place under the sink for tossing out garbage and even with the door closed (At at the other end of the house) it was overpowering. I didn't connect it with HRT until I did some more research but for a while I felt like I had gained the skills of a bloodhound.  Socks my SO leaves on the floor every morning to collect all just drive me over the wall. The smell of good food (and horrible fast food) is so much more intense. Its given me such a new understanding of why my mother was so intent on dirty cloths down the chute (Then washed asap)  I've grown to be slightly less overwhelmed by it.  I'm just glad my body stopped putting out "man stink" at the same time. Ugh! 

Who knew how many things would change for the better?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: JanePlain on July 13, 2020, 09:30:03 am
Mine seem less sensitive
More willing to be touched than before HRT.
I believe it's ok to be different.

Happy that you have family, and they are more comfortable with you and your nipples.
Sounds like a good place, BG   :)

Without this getting TMI they are much more a part of getting intimate.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: SoCal_Holly on July 15, 2020, 01:38:26 am
Battle Goddess (and everyone 😎)

Love reading about your adventures....

I’m was right there with you on the strangeness of drinking pickle juice still haven’t tried it but friends swear by it, may have to try it before summer ends lol

Only male fail I had was a hwy patrol officer approaching me from behind to give me a traffic ticket but that was because my blue hair is halfway down my back so I don’t think that counts 😡 lol - really sad huh

Was talking to my doc about about body sculpting etc.. and she said just be careful about raising A1C if I’d eliminate too much body fat, sculpting will help with feminine shaping just need to watch gaining weight afterwards, no more yo-yoing  weight for me

And yes under TMI - nipples = fireworks 🔥🔥🔥

Holly
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 15, 2020, 09:24:19 am
Without this getting TMI they are much more a part of getting intimate.
Aargh. I just whanged the left one of other women's part of getting intimate on a doorframe. Note to self: don't take corners so tight.

Also, YAYYYYY!

I got enough to hit on doorframes!

Might go back and hit the other one once the throbbing dies down.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 16, 2020, 03:18:46 pm
The Battle Goddess strongly endorses her local Costco!  :D

In my ongoing quest for affirmation, I went in yesterday to update my Costco membership info with my new name and face. For those of us who don't shop there, you get a photo ID card to present at checkout. No card means no checkout, though I've heard one can use their pharmacy without being a member.

So I mosey up to the customer desk's plexiglass shield, greet the person standing behind the counter, and announce that I'd like to update my name and photo on my membership record because (at which point I flourish my old membership card) "I sure don't look like that anymore."

It was not a photo of anyone you'd choose to sit next to on the bus. The picture on that card showed someone unhappy, even surly. Slumped, hunched shoulders. No smile. Downcast eyes. Short hair and a goatee gone salt-and-pepper. The very portrait of a man living a life of silent desperation, exasperation, frustration, and bitter resentment.

The Costco staffer looked at me, looked at it, smiled, said, "Sure don't!" And asked what I'd like my name to be.

Then we took my new picture.

Then I got my new card.

Simple as that. No muss, no fuss, no pain in the tuchus. No hairy eyeballs or tittering from the peanut gallery. No gushing about how I brave I am, or how proud they were to assist me, or rainbow flags that disappear on the first day of July. I just wanted to make a change, they made the change, and that was it.

Completely accepted. Completely routine. Completely normal.

My new membership card shows a very happy gal with droolworthy eyes, hair running down along a very long neck, and a grin like a possum eating a sweet potato.




Onward and outward!

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maddie on July 17, 2020, 12:29:12 am
That's a happy possom :)


Does Costco sell doorframes?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 17, 2020, 02:11:57 pm
That's a happy possom :)


Does Costco sell doorframes?
They carry all sorts of stuff online that they don't display on the shop floors. Coffins, for example.

Is that the kind of doorframe you mean?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maddie on July 20, 2020, 03:36:01 pm
No, Battle Goddess, I was jokingly referring to your post.
Aargh. I just whanged the left one of other women's part of getting intimate on a doorframe. Note to self: don't take corners so tight.

Also, YAYYYYY!

I got enough to hit on doorframes!

Might go back and hit the other one once the throbbing dies down.

As in, wish I had that problem ;)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 20, 2020, 11:07:06 pm
Got all happy today thinking that it was only three days until my next estrogen shot.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: davina61 on July 21, 2020, 02:26:17 pm
ah yes the lady sticky out bits, got stuck squeezing between the roof frame on my hot rod and ended up squishing them to get back out . Ouch  and the doors and frames that jump out (brain still not caught up with the new dimensions)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 21, 2020, 05:24:58 pm
ah yes the lady sticky out bits, got stuck squeezing between the roof frame on my hot rod and ended up squishing them to get back out . Ouch  and the doors and frames that jump out (brain still not caught up with the new dimensions)

Dang. Took me a minute or two to unscrew my eyes after that one.

Makes me glad I work in software. Stuff only has to exist logically, not physically.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: mm on July 22, 2020, 01:27:02 pm
davina61, Just something every teenage girl learns as she develops, her chest takes up more room and will let you know when they get bumped when you try to get through a narrow spot. Doors can be bad and seems to be everywhere one goes.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on July 23, 2020, 12:47:45 pm
Got all happy today thinking that it was only three days until my next estrogen shot.

Awwww yeah... E-Day. Pure biochemical goodness. Slammed a little bit extra because the vial was fixing to run out. Waste not, want not, and the Battle Goddess is a very happy girl on a very pink cloud!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 14, 2020, 03:19:54 pm
Wrote a Coming Out letter today to my 80-ish aunt and uncle. These two, and their kids, are very dear to me. We have always been close. The cousin I'm closest to already knows I'm transitioning, but I asked her to keep it on the D/L until I worked up the courage to let her parents know. Hate to admit feeling a little apprehensive, but they're loving, generous people. Here's hoping.

Set out at first to write a very concise note of the sort one might send out in a workplace. Utterly failed at that one.

***TRIGGER WARNING***
This post contains frank discussions of alcoholism, addiction, and suicidality because they're integral to my having realized who I am. If these subjects are hard on you, please read no further. My aunt and uncle know full well what my problems with drinking were like. They've seen them in full, foul blossom. Ain't as though there are any family secrets about it.
**********************

Dear Aunt [X] and Uncle [Y],

I’ve been trying to write a note like this because I’ve needed to for a while. Not just for you, but in general. Thing is, it’s deeply personal, and yet I need to somehow keep it impersonal and brief because I may need to send it to others in the future. Thus, you lucky two get the first attempt, and if it doesn’t make any sense or doesn’t answer any obvious questions, do please let me know. I’m sure you’ll have questions no matter what, and I’ll be happy to answer all of them.

On one personal note, I can tell you that I’m coming up on three years straight and sober! Crossing that threshold [soon]. It was pretty miserable at first. I was fortunate in never having had any urges for alcohol again, so quitting wasn’t hard. It was the living afterwards that wasn’t much fun. Rebuilding relationships with other people is difficult work, but first of all you have to rebuild your relationship with yourself, and by the time you sink to the point I had reached, you don’t like yourself very much at all. Addiction is a hell of a thing. It’s a hellish thing.

I’m so sorry for everything I fouled up for you-all and for all the family. It’s hard for me to even take an inventory because I know I’ve done things I can’t even remember. With some remove from those times, one begins to wonder who that person was and how they came to take control of one’s body.

Heck, it looks like this note isn’t going to be brief, and it’s not going to be impersonal. Sorry, all. Buckle in.

I think you know I went to rehab shortly after I stopped drinking. I didn’t like it very much, but it passed the time, and I did learn a few useful things. One of them is the metaphor of the Boulder and the Manhole Cover. Think of addiction as a boulder, and it sits on top of a manhole cover. Beneath the manhole cover are all the personal issues you’ve never addressed in your life since you started abusing. Once you roll the boulder off, those issues come screaming out like giant, hideous jacks-in-the-box, bouncing, jeering, leering, and staring you square in the face.

I guess I technically began drinking when I was a baby, because I have very early memories of Dad holding me and letting me taste his Budweiser, and I remember liking it. I started regularly drinking when I was 12 or 13 or 14. Can’t really remember. Those years were bad for me, and alcohol provided solace, as it did for nearly another forty years. All the same, you can imagine the scope for suppressed issues! I’ve unearthed quite a few. There are several I’m actively working on and a bunch I can scarcely bear to glance at sideways. I have made peace with one so far. That’s what this note is all about.

It’s a very weird thing when you’re 51 to discover you have gender issues. The very notion itself felt utterly ridiculous.  All the same, I was at the lowest point in my life and had little interest in continuing on; there simply was nothing to fear because things couldn’t get any worse; and that was the biggest, scariest jack-in-the-box of them all. I decided to attack the worst issue first and started seeing a trained gender therapist.

Man alive, is "gender" complicated! There are aspects I’d never considered as separate things, but they are. There’s the internal gender you feel you are (male, female, neither, a mix, in what proportions, blah blah blah). There’s gender expression, which is the gender you present to the world, which need not be the same thing as internal gender. There’s biological gender, because chromosomes don’t only come in the XX and XY flavors because biology is messy and squishy. The list goes on and on.  Anymore I don’t argue but just watch the parade.

Took me a couple of years with that therapist to confidently accept that I’m transgender. I’ve made my peace with it and am transitioning to living full-time female. My chosen new name is [Battle Goddess]. How I was granted [Goddess] is a very long story. I received [Battle] from my prayer and meditation group. [Surname] isn’t going anywhere. For anybody who asks about my pronouns, "she/her/hers" will do. I prefer "Her Grace/Her Grace/Her Grace’s," but I’m not getting a lot of compliance yet.

I’ve been on hormones for a while. They’re making changes. If you’re interested in what they generally do, you can find that online at any good transgender medical care site. My experience with them has been very typical.

Turns out that lots of transwomen finally get their acts together and transition later in life. I was surprised to discover how common it is. Some of us regret not having known or having had the courage to transition earlier in life. I’m not sure I do. I’ve led a rich life of so many blessings and adventures that I wouldn’t trade for the world, and I’ve always had your love and support that have meant so much to me. I could never have asked for anything better than that.

It's not like I "pass" as female very well yet. My voice isn’t great - your vocal cords don’t go back to what they were before your voice changed, so it’s a matter of voice training to achieve more convincing pitch and resonance. I’m still shaped like a fire hydrant, and my ribcage and shoulder bones won’t ever contract. All the same, I do collect my share of "Ma’am"s. They feel good. One time I got a "Miss," and that felt real good!  ;D  I’m still a novice with makeup. I do have eyeliner and mascara down pretty well, though, and they’re fantastic on me! Seriously, I should have begun wearing them a long time ago.

Passable or not, it doesn’t matter. Lots of folks will come up to a transitioning person and exclaim, "you’re so brave!" as a way of offering support. And yeah, transition requires bravery. Transition is a step-by-step process where each next step you take is the next one you’re brave enough to take, whatever that step might be. Yet at the same time, there’s no bravery involved at all. You transition because you can’t not transition. There’s no use fighting it; it just needs to be recognized and made peace with. Resistance is useless. Once you accept that and get on with things, you realize you’re headed where you always needed to be, and a whole lot of happy comes along with that. I’m, well… happier than I’ve been in a long, long time.

So that’s the scoop. It’s not as though I’ve been trying to hide all this from you. Rather, sometimes it’s easier to tell people you don’t know than people you love, and this letter, for me, was a step I hadn't been brave enough to take yet. I’d been hoping to come down to your place and let you know in person, but the Covid has scrambled those plans for who knows how long. I knew a phone call wouldn’t let me say things like I needed to. I guess this will have to do. It was time.

I’m quite literally a changed person. Much healthier, to be sure. I look rather different than I used to. To get an idea of the changes, here’s a picture of me from some years ago:

[Photo of fiftyish out-of-shape dude with ruddy face, pot belly, and beard gone grey. He needs a shower.]
 

Here I am yesterday. I went in to get my highlights refreshed, but what with not knowing whether we’re headed for another shutdown soon, I said to heck with it – I’d always wanted to be a redhead!

[Photos of gorgeous Battle Goddess, beloved of all, with shining eyes and wavy, coppery hair]

   
Gotta do something about those eyebrows. I’ll keep you potsed.

I love you – and all the family – so much, and I’m grateful to have had you in my life. My outward appearance may be changing, as well as my mode of living, but my love and gratitude will not – and can never – change.

Thanks for reading,

[Battle Goddess]
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 14, 2020, 10:01:15 pm
I also sent that note under separate cover to the cousin I'd already Come Out to. Didn't want her surprised.

About my changed appearance she wrote back, "You do look different. I recognize you, but I might have had more trouble out of context."

Feels so good to be leaving that sad, miserable dude I used to be behind.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 15, 2020, 10:39:43 am
My aunt wrote back this morning to the email address I'd told her I was migrating to, [Battle Goddess]@[domain].com

Could one ask for a finer, kinder, more caring person in one's life? Brought me to tears.

She replied:



Dear [Battle Goddess],


We love you as [Deadname] or [Battle Goddess], and always will. I hope you will forgive me if I forget and call you [Deadname] sometimes (I’ve been doing it a long time). I still call your mom [a nickname Ma got from her church youth group seventy years ago], and I’m probably the only one who does these days. 

Thank you for sharing all this with us. I can’t imagine how difficult these past three years have been for you. I would like to share it with the family, but perhaps you should be the one to do that. It’s a great letter.

I’m so proud of you for staying sober. [Your father] used alcohol as an antidepressant, and it is so great that you have lost all that weight. Be sure that you get regular check-ups for esophageal cancer, as alcohol and obesity are risk factors. You probably should get an endoscopy every year.

Because we are staying at home till this is over, I haven’t been to the hairdresser since March. My hair is getting longer, but my perm is only in the ends of the hair. My hair is very fine and just fluffs without a perm. It would never look like yours. I am now wearing my hair like I did as a girl, and it is not my best look.

I also have a lot of skin allergies, so I definitely can’t wear eye makeup. It’s frustrating, and I’m envious. [My cousin's young daughter] is really into makeup, and if you visit she can do great things with it for you.

[Deadname], I wish you happiness in your new life. Oops, I already did it. I mean [Battle Goddess]. Keep us in the loop and know that we are always in your corner.  As soon as life gets back to normal, please come to see us.



We love you,

 


Aunt [X] and Uncle [Y]
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: DebbieB on August 15, 2020, 12:25:52 pm
Congratulations on starting Estrogen.  I started on pills and switched to shots when my liver got wise and my estrogen in my blood levels dropped.

Many doctors who work with transgender patients have done more research than most endocrinologists.  There are special training courses for GPs who want to manage HRT for transgender patients.  The most important thing is that the doctor has to monitor blood levels to make sure that the hormone levels on your blood are similar to the levels in a normal woman. Too low and the dysphoria gets worse, too high and there is a risk of blood clots and the related complications.

Back in the days before antiandrogens like spironolactone, doctors gave transgender women massive doses of estrogen alone sufficient to overcome and stop the testosterone production, but the risk of blood clots was high.  These levels were many times the amount that is used today.

Starting Estrogen or Testosterone is a really huge step for a transgender person and almost seems too good to be true.  We wish that it would take full effect immediately, instant female puberty like we read about in fiction books, but the reality is that these changes take as long as they would for a cisgender girl going through puberty.

You're on the road to having all the benefits of girl puberty.  Breasts, feminine face, and weight distribution.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on August 15, 2020, 12:55:16 pm
@Battle Goddess,

My aunt wrote back this morning to the email address I'd told her I was migrating to, [Battle Goddess]@[domain].com

Could one ask for a finer, kinder, more caring person in one's life? Brought me to tears.

I read through your coming out letter and that reply.

Thank you for posting that wonderful news!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 20, 2020, 11:57:22 am
We wish that it would take full effect immediately, instant female puberty like we read about in fiction books, but the reality is that these changes take as long as they would for a cisgender girl going through puberty.

But... but... years? But in all the fiction, they promise...

Aw, rats.

 >:(
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 20, 2020, 12:11:09 pm
Aunt [X] sent a note this morning complimenting my bravery. I wrote back thanking her, adding:



I'm still a little amazed I've come so far in accepting myself. Been changing my name in various databases; Costco knows me as [Battle Goddess]. So does Blue Cross. I get a lot of mail for [Battle Goddess].

I've had the real Battle Goddess at my side all the time, though. Remember how I mentioned having been granted my name was a long story? I'd been toying with taking Her name as my new name for some time. She has a lot of attributes I aspire to.

But then one day while I was meditating, the Battle Goddess Herself came to me. Announced Her presence, said She'd be with me along my voyage, told me to take Her name to remind myself of Her protection, and gave me encouragement and guidance on how to proceed in my transition.

This was not my typical kind of meditation session. They're usually nice and quiet. Tranquil. Nobody else ever joins the channel, I can tell you that much!

But who am I to argue with a genuine goddess? I'm no fool. Someone like that tells you what to do, you do it.

She's been right about everything so far. I have no complaints. She shows up every once in a while to set me straight when I'm fouling up, or to comfort me when I'm feeling scared and blue, or to give me tools when I'm stuck. And you have to admit, it is a pretty cool name.


Ma was saying something similar about bravery ydy. As I keep scrabbling to come up with metaphors to make sense of these weird years I've been going through, I reached once again back to the Greeks and came up with Odysseus sailing past the Lorelei. Odysseus knew he had to hear their sirens' song, but he knew it wasn't for anyone else on the ship, so he stuffed everyone else's ears with wax and wool and had himself lashed to the mast. Seeing the transgender thing looming before one is like seeing the sirens on their rocks and hearing their wonderful music louder and clearer as the ship approaches closer and closer.

It's terrifying and fascinating as they loom before you, as you make out the details for yourself, as you hear their music note by note and know they're singing the song of your heart. It's brutal, painful self-knowledge, but there it is, and you can't deny it. You're changed for the experience.

And then you're past. The rowers keep rowing at the same pace as ever, just as the world rolls on with or without you. But you're not who you used to be anymore. You're Odysseus Past the Lorelei now, and now you have to grapple with that new knowledge, and while you have the general fundamental understanding of what's different, you yourself are admittedly still hazy on the details. The rowers pull the wax and wool from their ears, and you have to figure out ways of telling them you're someone new who you're still getting to know. It's a mess.

But it's not terrifying anymore.

On reflection, the brave part wasn't having been changed, nor was it having listened to their song. I think the brave part was having been willing to get on the boat in the first place.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 28, 2020, 11:46:15 am
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: man alive, it's good to go grocery shopping! Major Male Fails all around!

It's ugly hot today, pushing 106 F/41 C, so I was out in shorts and a nice ladies' tank top loose enough to show peeks of the edges of my bra. I always do makeup on the part of my face that shows above the mask, which means color corrector, concealer, eyeliner, mascara, and a little highlighter. I figure I can use all the social cues I can get.

The only two people I really interacted with were the young checkout clerk and the bagger, "Flora," an older woman likely in her seventies. She's kind of a fixture at that store, always chatting with the customers. She's a sweetie.

My kid works at our local ice cream parlor, and she'd roped me into doing their daily grocery run because she hurt her foot yesterday. Grumble grumble, Daddy's a sucker. She needed a few 24-packs of bottled water, and they were so heavy! I used to be able to toss those around easily. My arms are sore now. Must be the estrogen. That's pretty cool to feel.

The kid needed a bunch of soda pop and milk, too, so the grocery cart got to be a real pain to shove around. "My kingdom for a tugboat," I remember thinking. I finally wrestled the sluggish, sullen thing into the checkout lane, and thankfully, the clerk brought her hand-held scanner out to the cart. Doubt I had it in me to unload and reload.

As I stood by the credit card machine waiting for her to finish, I realized I was starting to sweat. It happens that when I'm overheated but moving around, the air rushing by cools me off, yet once I stop, I lose that heat sink and start perspiring.

So there I am, dripping all over myself and getting more and more embarrassed, and I think I hear someone on my right ask, "What's your name?" I turn. Flora is looking right at me with a smile in her eyes. "What's your name?" She repeats. "[Battle Goddess]," I reply. "Oh, like from where I grew up! Do you know [says something in her native tongue]?"

"No, I'm sorry," I say. "I just think the name is beautiful."

"It is! I like it very much. You are very cute, Honey!"

She then asked to examine the pendants I wear, praising my eyes and asking if I had a boyfriend. Boy howdy, she was laying it on thick with a trowel, and I couldn't have resisted if I tried. Most def forgot all about the sweating!

I paid and got the receipt with a "thank you, ma'am" from the checkout clerk. Flora called me "so pretty" and asked if I needed any help getting everything out to the car because it looked so heavy. I should have taken her up on it but reflexively turned her down. Gotta get over that.

And then I floated out to the car.

You know, I get more confident about passing, and I seem to pass better, the more self-accepting I become. A year and a half ago, as I began my adventure along this fraught path, I was convinced I looked ridiculous going out dressed. I knew how to do mascara, but that was about it. I'd pretty much only get dolled up during the day when going to my therapist's or at night if I were going far away from my home town.

It all felt like play-acting. I didn't know what to do, I didn't feel like I knew how to do it, and I sure didn't know how to do it comfortably because nothing felt comfortable at all. I realize now that while I had intellectually accepted the need to transition, I still hadn't achieved total peace with it yet. As a result I wasn't fully ready to accept the notion of myself looking convincingly female. Thus (reasoned my anxious, insecure mind, no doubt), if I couldn't believe in myself, why should anyone else?

With time passed, I've become much more comfortable with the idea. Going out dressed is no longer a matter of gritted teeth and a muttered "If not now, when?" but rather an, "I have nothing to wear!" Feels underdressed to go out without makeup. The acceptance and comfort of friends and family has put paid to the fear of being shunned.

And today, I went 2-for-2!

I suppose I still haven't attained total peace yet. Here I am, boasting online about my Male Fails to people I scarcely know. Kinda pathetic, ne? If I expected to pass every time, I wouldn't feel them worth mentioning. Yet here I am, boasting online to people I scarcely know about my Male Fails because I'm keeping an online blog about significant events and thoughts about my transition, and my Male Fails feel very, VERY significant.

Why should they? Why am I so fixated on being passable? Why have I decided on others' reactions being the barometer for my own self-acceptance? When I moan to my friends about my anxieties about ever becoming passable, they look at me crosswise and tell me I have been for months. I clearly refuse to accept that I can, irrespective of the evidence before me.

I got a lot of thinking to do.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: SoCal_Holly on August 28, 2020, 01:49:26 pm
Male fail absolutely a big deal! How very affirming!

Keep them coming love to hear about them !

Hugs,

Holly
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on August 28, 2020, 01:55:09 pm
Male fail absolutely a big deal! How very affirming!

Keep them coming love to hear about them !

Hugs,

Holly
I feel really thick but what is a “Male fail”?  - I thought I knew but now i’m confused!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 28, 2020, 03:43:06 pm
I feel really thick but what is a “Male Fail”?  - I thought I knew but now i’m confused!

 ;D

For me, it's when someone with whom I'm unacquainted addresses me with a feminine sobriquet or refers to me with a third-person feminine pronoun.

I recognize that I'll never know whether they're just being polite or actually feeling it, but I'll surely take what I can get!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 28, 2020, 03:45:42 pm
Male Fail absolutely a big deal! How very affirming!

Keep them coming love to hear about them !

Hugs,

Holly

Affirming, they absolutely are!

Am afraid to have come to subsist on them.

But okay, if y'all enjoy hearing about them, I'll keep discussing them.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on August 28, 2020, 05:20:20 pm
;D

For me, it's when someone with whom I'm unacquainted addresses me with a feminine sobriquet or refers to me with a third-person feminine pronoun.

I recognize that I'll never know whether they're just being polite or actually feeling it, but I'll surely take what I can get!
But if ur trying too pass as yourself is it still a “Male fail”? X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 28, 2020, 05:22:38 pm
But if ur trying too pass as yourself is it still a “Male fail”? X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I suppose that's exactly the point of my post.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on August 29, 2020, 05:11:54 am
I suppose that's exactly the point of my post.
I thought a Male fail was if you weren’t presenting female but were gendered female anyway?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on August 29, 2020, 05:25:59 am
I thought a Male fail was if you weren’t presenting female but were gendered female anyway?

That's what I thought it meant too...

It's hardly a failure if you're trying to pass as female and you are perceived as female!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on August 29, 2020, 05:26:39 am
That's what I thought it meant too...

It's hardly a failure if you're trying to pass as female and you are perceived as female!
Quite


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on August 29, 2020, 12:27:57 pm
I thought a Male fail was if you weren’t presenting female but were gendered female anyway?


That's what I thought it meant too...


It's hardly a failure if you're trying to pass as female and you are perceived as female!

Quite


Whoa.

Y'all are right.

I'll admit as I don't go out much what with the plague and all, but I always do dress when I go out. Never even give it a second thought. Around the house it's mostly just a t-shirt or something loose with comfy pants or shorts. Nothing particularly explicitly femme except for the bra that I most def need anymore.

Which sounds like another rationalization, ne? A pair of chest-high rounded protrusions paints a coat of femme over most anything one wears.

Seems that I so expect not to be taken for female that I'm still thrilled when it happens, rather than disappointed with the inverse.

I will say in my defense that when I have gone out dressed in the past, I've routinely been addressed as "sir." I've even received a "ma'am" from behind that switched to a "sir" when they saw my face. All this mask business has truly done me a favor. Jaws that spaciously accommodate all four wisdom teeth are jaws conspicuous.

So: is it my attitude towards myself that keeps me so thrilled, or am I objectively changing? Current data tells me I'm changing. My fears and self-doubt insist I'm a vain, pathetic, tattered scarecrow with forlorn smile and barbarous feet. Past experience suggests the same.

What to do, what to believe? I don't think I'll ever put those doubts and fears to rest without routine validation. That's the data I'm hoping for. Perhaps I haven't fully reached my own inner acceptance in that I haven't reached the point where I don't care what anybody else thinks.

But I'm getting there. I'm getting there. And it feels better all the time.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on August 29, 2020, 12:34:34 pm



Whoa.

Y'all are right.

I'll admit as I don't go out much what with the plague and all, but I always do dress when I go out. Never even give it a second thought. Around the house it's mostly just a t-shirt or something loose with comfy pants or shorts. Nothing particularly explicitly femme except for the bra that I most def need anymore.

Which sounds like another rationalization, ne? A pair of chest-high rounded protrusions paints a coat of femme over most anything one wears.

Seems that I so expect not to be taken for female that I'm still thrilled when it happens, rather than disappointed with the inverse.

I will say in my defense that when I have gone out dressed in the past, I've routinely been addressed as "sir." I've even received a "ma'am" from behind that switched to a "sir" when they saw my face. All this mask business has truly done me a favor. Jaws that spaciously accommodate all four wisdom teeth are jaws conspicuous.

So: is it my attitude towards myself that keeps me so thrilled, or am I objectively changing? Current data tells me I'm changing. My fears and self-doubt insist I'm a vain, pathetic, tattered scarecrow with forlorn smile and barbarous feet. Past experience suggests the same.

What to do, what to believe? I don't think I'll ever put those doubts and fears to rest without routine validation. That's the data I'm hoping for. Perhaps I haven't fully reached my own inner acceptance in that I haven't reached the point where I don't care what anybody else thinks.

But I'm getting there. I'm getting there. And it feels better all the time.
Awww sorry Hun, and i’m not dissing that at all - it’s just it’s not Male fail but passing! Go you!! Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 07, 2020, 08:14:02 pm
@Battle Goddess
Dear Battle Goddess:
After reading about your many experiences that you have had written about on this thread that you had started, I can't think of a better place to post the following:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TO: Battle Goddess...

Wishing YOU
....a very :icon_flower: :icon_flower: Happy Birthday :icon_flower: :icon_flower:
I hope that your special day includes time with family and friends...
... with  Candles and CAKE.


***NOTE: On your September 8th birthday be certain to check your profile for a special birthday surprise! :)

HUGS and best wishes on your special day and birthday.
Danielle
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on September 08, 2020, 12:54:27 pm
Thank you so much!

39 years old... again.

Which, alas, probably is a good clue to how old I really am.   :(
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on September 09, 2020, 09:48:24 am
Thank you so much!

39 years old... again.

Which, alas, probably is a good clue to how old I really am.   :(

Know what? The heck with that. Celebrated my first birthday last night with family. 

Grandmama came over, we cooked a very fine pot of gumbo with greens and rice on the side, and DW made a cake. Couldn't be beat.

I normally used to hate birthdays. Always felt like celebrating another g*ddam year drained, nothing new significant accomplished, and no reason to expect anything different to ever look forward to.

Sure don't feel like that now!

  :icon_birthday:
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on September 09, 2020, 11:39:41 am
Know what? The heck with that. Celebrated my first birthday last night with family. 

Grandmama came over, we cooked a very fine pot of gumbo with greens and rice on the side, and DW made a cake. Couldn't be beat.

I normally used to hate birthdays. Always felt like celebrating another g*ddam year drained, nothing new significant accomplished, and no reason to expect anything different to ever look forward to.

Sure don't feel like that now!

  :icon_birthday:
That’s wonderful! Good for you! Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on September 10, 2020, 03:54:04 pm
That’s wonderful! Good for you! Xxx


Thanks, @Pammie. I have a contribution to our Male Fail conversation but haven't been able to write it up yet. Been wrestling with a stupid non-ANSI-compliant SQL engine for days upon end. Fit to drive a girl up the wall.

Instead I do have something to share that I'm not sure should go in this thread or on the Coming Out board. Don't wanna crosspost. If mods suggest moving it over, let's, but since this is where I post most all my musings, here it comes.

For background, it's correspondence with a dear friend. We've known each other personally and professionally forever. I think he may have been the first person I trusted enough to Come Out to, and he accepted me as the Battle Goddess without hesitation. The exchange is over the last couple of weeks. It started one evening we'd been testing the autoforward and aliasing from my deadname email address to my new email address, and I had just sent him a couple of links on recent trans-friendly court decisions.

******

From: [Friend]
To: [Battle Goddess]

...One of my daughter's best friends in school, [Girlname], is now being known as [Boyname]. She's 12. Causing a lot of stir among the parents, her mother (single mom) is very concerned, and all the kids are shrugging and saying, "whatever..no big deal."



From: [Battle Goddess]
To: [Friend]


Ain't it the truth!

I have friends in exactly the same situation. In fact, their kid, who went as a girl from birth, decided to be male for a while, then non-binary, and for now has gone back to male. Each of these transformations came with new names and pronouns. I have no idea how they keep up, but they have rolled with everything very lovingly. Hasn't come without some parental anxiety. I think it'd be weird if it didn't.

If you want to pass my opinion along (and not to interject myself into what's surely a very delicate situation), here's my take:

Like you say, the kid is twelve years old. Kids that age try on all sorts of different skins to see how they fit. It's natural and normal at that age. I did it at that age, and you did, too, and so does everyone else. It's part of growing up and learning how to be your own person. Has nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with each individual kid.

When you and I were that age, though, trying on a transgender skin never would have crossed our minds. It's not that it was a sin or that the consequences would have been too grave or anything - it just wasn't anything anyone ever did. None of us ever saw trans people in our communities or in the media, so we were blind to the possibility.

Not so much nowadays. These days a kid can see that we're normal, everyday people living our lives like anybody else, and that there's nothing weird or wrong at all with being trans. It's a skin they can try on and see how it fits. That's why his schoolmates aren't making any big deal about it. They never bought into the old prejudices, so they don't waste their time and headspace on them.

As for your friend's kid, who knows if he'll want to keep presenting male or not? He might, he might not, but you gotta leave it up to him. The heartbreak comes when parents insist on putting kids into skins that don't suit them, or keep them from wearing skins that fit them perfectly. Such a foolish thing for a parent to try. Does terrible damage and can ruin relationships forever.

Gotta be realistic, too. No matter what we parents try, kids will always find their own proper skins. Parents have far less control than we wish we did, for children are sneaky little ratfinks. We all also know that the best way to get our kids to insist on doing something is to tell them to knock it off, and even when they stop doing it in front of us, they'll start right up again once our backs are turned.

So my best advice for a situation like this? I will take a page from the Book of Joe: C'mon, man! They're only little for such a brief time! Love him and support him all you can. He needs it. He deserves it. You may not understand it very well, and he may not completely, either. That's okay. It can actually be a lot of fun figuring it out together.


A couple other notes:

- There's a great place that works with gender-nonconforming adolescents in [Nearby Town]. Your friend might want to give them a call, not just for the kid but also for herself. There are lots of feelings to work out around the transgender thing.

- Remember how I mentioned "presenting" as male up above? That's because gender is really complex. You might feel you're male but present yourself as female, or vice-versa, and neither has anything to do with your chromosomes. Your friend ought to check out https://www.genderbread.org/.  It helps explain things. Interesting stuff. Check it out!



From: [Friend]
To: [Battle Goddess]


All makes sense to me. The parent is more [Friend's Spouse]'s friend, but I sent it on to [Friend's Spouse] to forward to the mom.

Yesterday was the first day back at school. Apparently they made two announcements, and one was that [Girlname] is now [Boyname]. [Friend's Daughter] said it was fine. She's still good friends with him.

Hope all is well with you. Look forward to catching up soon.



From: [Battle Goddess]
To: [Friend]

I'm so happy and relieved for young [Boyname]. The suicide rate among trans teens is nightmarish when they don't receive any support. Imagine being that age, with all the terrible pressures to conform, and you discover that the only way you can truly and honestly be happy and comfortable with yourself is to raise your hand and tell everyone you're a member of a despised minority. On top of it all, lots of trans kids don't know any other trans people, so they feel utterly alone. They need love, hugs, friends, and acceptance, but far too many face turned shoulders and cold rejection. [Boyname] is one fortunate kid. Let's hope more and more and much good fortune can befall all trans kids in the future.

Things are going okay here, and am feeling better in general. People are saying that I seem more relaxed, more accommodating, happier. I am. I even manage to dance once in a while. There's still a long road to travel yet and many rivers to cross, but I'm calmer and less scared about moving ahead. It's a very good feeling.

I look... rather different than when we last got together. Maybe I mentioned this to you earlier, but please don't feel as though you have to keep my transition in confidence any longer. Actually helps when you let people know because it saves me the trouble, and anyway, I'm way too far gone to deny it!   :) 

Did you look at the genderbread site? It's a great basic tutorial. Hits at the heart of the complexity of this Gender Thing, but trust me, there's much, much more because the human condition is so very, very vast. So much remains on the fringe of mystery to me that I have to focus on figuring myself out while letting other people teach me about themselves. Certainly can't pretend to have their answers when I scarcely have a grasp on my own, so I watch the parade go by and try to extract the bits and pieces I can use.

Casts light upon the boundless depths of one's own ignorance. Seems as though no question about gender has any single definitive answer; leaves me feeling that the only reliable answers I can ever give are "depends on the person," "it's kinda squishy, and it can change depending on the situation," or "beats me. I'm still trying to figure that one out, myself."

It also teaches the Lesson of Mercy.

Being trans sucks in so many ways. Transitioning sucks so bad, it's hilarious. I've shared with you those humorous blog posts about mermaids and people asking inappropriate questions about my genitals, but the humor is a way of venting my irritation and frustration with it all. Once you figure out you're trans, you get mad at the realization. You're mad about the turmoil it causes. You're mad that the world thinks it's entitled to be rotten to you. Worst of all, you're mad at yourself for instigating the whole stupid business. Learning that you have nothing to forgive yourself for is the only path forward, but that only comes from having mercy on yourself. It's easy to tell other people that they'll be okay, that going to see a gender therapist is a good idea, that they can do hormones if they want but shouldn't self-medicate, and so on and so forth. It's a lot harder to stop telling yourself "You look ridiculous." "You're kidding yourself." "Don't tell anyone." "Something is wrong with your brain." "You'll be ugly." "Everyone will reject you." "No one will ever love you again." "You'll be all alone, forever."

Can you imagine yourself ever saying things like that to anyone? Can you imagine people saying those things to me? They have. They have. And it sucks. It truly, truly sucks.

You begin to wonder if they have a point. You thought you knew what you were doing and were excited to finally move forward toward happiness, but if it's gonna suck that bad, maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you're a fool. Maybe you're delusional, or this is all a fantasy, or your therapist misled you. Maybe there just isn't any point to living anymore because even if you try to be happy, you'll still be miserable.

That's when you realize how bad it really can be for a kid like [Boyname]. The little guy needs love, hugs, friends, and acceptance because everybody needs those, but this world is a cr*psack, and he's just a kid, and above all he needs mercy from its cruelties. Too many trans kids face criticism, "guidance," and intervention, and those are cruelties, too, and those kids also deserve mercy, and so does every other trans kid. You realize that people have said those exact same rotten things to too many other trans people, and they all deserve mercy, just like everyone else. Finally, you realize that you, yourself, deserve that very same mercy, and the only person who can give it to you is you, yourself.

So you do. That's the Lesson of Mercy. You stop caring what people say. You stop bothering with being mad at yourself. You face up to who you are and where you're headed and that it's fine because you're choosing to be happy, so to hell with it, it's time to enjoy the ride.

Helps people feel more relaxed, more accommodating, happier. Some even manage to dance once in a while. May still be a long road to travel yet and many rivers to cross, but folks are calmer and less scared about moving ahead. It's a very good feeling. 

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on January 25, 2021, 03:35:11 pm
Hey, All.


After the outpouring of thoughtful commentary and kind support my last post generated, I figured I’d shut this blog down. Those crickets were awful noisy. Maybe this isn’t the place for long-form, and maybe I should keep my serious feelings offline. I can live with that. After all, this did start only as an HRT blog. “Darn Endocrinologist” and all.


Besides, it’s my two-year hormoniversary! Can you believe it? Given this august January occasion, I thought the least I could do was report on how things are going and how things continue to change. Hormone levels have been stable forever now at almost no T and typical ranges of E for a pre-menopausal XX woman. I’m not going to give numbers because @Rakel will scold me for not providing the units, and for all I remember they’re Engelberts per Humperdinck. Let’s just say that I’m in regular contact with Endo, and he’s content.


Changes don’t seem as drastic as they once were – we’re not coming from a baseline of zilch, after all – and some changes have slowed or reached their conclusion. My skin has been wonderfully soft forever. The face I see in the mirror is female, and my relatives say they’d hardly recognize me if they didn’t already know me. That might be wish fulfillment on their part. What body hair that survived laser is wan and sparse. I shave it when I notice it, which is every few months. The Gang Downstairs stopped being able to rise much to any occasion over a year ago, and by now they scarcely call any attention to themselves. They’ve mostly become an annoyance. Aren’t even fun to scratch anymore. :o  The Girls are still slowly growing but aren’t as constantly achy as they used to be. They’re much smaller than I hope they’ll end up given my blocky frame. My nipples and areolae have changed greatly in the last couple of months, which leads me to think I’m heading into Tanner 4. More on that anon. Still nothing new in my heinie or hips, holiday pounds notwithstanding. The hairline hasn’t filled in any, and I can’t really tell if the hair on my head is any thicker, but it’s now past my shoulders and perforce looks a lot thicker. I find myself idly playing with it now and again, which reinforces my own feelings of femininity.


Noticeable changes lately have come in muscle. Formerly easy weights are now heavy! I had to buy a bag of rock salt last week, and groaning and staggering, managed to hump the mid-size bag out to the car. Used to be able to toss those things around. I also carry a lot of muscle in my legs, and while I’m not cut like a bodybuilder, it’s easy to see their definition. At least, it has been. A couple of weeks ago I was administering my weekly E shot and realized I have girlthighs. I can still flex and largely bring the lines out, but it’s not what it was. I’m sure part of it is aging and part of it is not getting out to the gym during the pandemic. All the same, jeepers. At least I can mostly still open jars. Momma needs her pickle juice!


Loss of strength aside, I can’t say as my basic frame or shoulders seem to have changed a whole lot. Still built like a small tank. For all y’all blessed with shrinking feet, mazel tov. I’m still rocking the same old clodhoppers.


Some of the other changes are best explained in anecdote.


The other night I was having a nap in the living room and was rudely awakened and told to go pick up our carry-out dinner. Fine. Grumph. Grabbed my sweatshirt, purse, and mask, and set out into the chilly evening. When I got inside the restaurant, everyone was giving me the Hairy Eyeball or staring indiscreetly at my chest. Weirdos. Whatever. Back in the car and buckling up, I looked down and realized that I’d taken off my bra before my nap and that my nipples had reacted very strongly to the cold. Then I realized what all the weirdos had been staring at. My kid says it’s people having been trained to respond to the False Patriarchy, but imma still remember to get a little more fully dressed before I go out in the cold. Speaking of cold in general, while other folks claim to have become more sensitive to it, I can’t say as I have. For me it’s still sweatshirt weather down to about 20 degrees, and the two other women in the house can’t stand how cool I like the thermostat. Guess I got the thick blood.


Another change requires a little setup.


I used to live in a shaky urban neighborhood. You could keep yourself safe if you didn’t go looking for trouble, but you still kept your head on a swivel. As part of that, a young man learns to cultivate an air, if not of menace, perhaps of visible awareness. You learn to show that you know where you are, where you’re going, you make sure everyone sees that you have seen them and that you are confident you have nothing to worry about from anyone. You learn who to stare down, who to nod to, and who to avoid.


You’re ultimately trying to project deterrence. Nobody really wants to take on a young man unless they can surprise him, so it works pretty well. Sometimes, though, some character reads the signs wrong and still gives it a shot, and you have to decide whether to stand your ground or light out. I usually lit out. Anybody that dumb is nobody I’d be able to convince to back off no matter how hard I hit them.


As they’re approaching, you do try to give escalating signs that you know they’re coming. Turn your ear to them, then slow your pace, then turn your head so they can see you have them in the corner of your eye, then turn to face them, maybe even hint at a fighting position. Then you choose what to do – like I said, I generally took off. Less trouble is the best trouble.


We moved away from that neighborhood twenty years ago. Our current town is pretty tame. Took a long time to get used to seeing a few young guys hanging on a street corner in the late evening and not feel like I oughta avoid them. In this town, they've generally just come from dinner or a movie.


Coming back to the other day, I was at the grocery store (where else?) in the spice aisle, and I heard loud, rapid footfalls approaching. Same old menacing steps you’d hear back in the old neighborhood when some idiot was thinking to jump you. Set off the same alarm bells in my head, triggered the same old escalating cascade of responses, and the fool ignored them all and kept coming! Stopped right next to me, violating my personal space… and grabbed a jar of oregano.


Oregano. Guy scared the crud out of me for a jar of oregano.


My analytic mind brings up a few thoughts around this whole encounter. One is that (duh) it triggered my PTSD and drove me into the useless old patterns. Fine. I know how to handle that. Another is that the guy was operating by the rules of my current town, not the old neighborhood. We were in a well-lit, crowded place. He can’t possibly have imagined himself as being up to no good and was doubtless in a rush to get his things and get out of a plaguey grocery store, as should we all. The third is that he could have grown up in a suburban environment and never had to develop any street sense. Most of the kids around here don't. He may never have learned to catch the signals I was throwing at him.


The fourth, and this is the most troubling and the most confirming at the same time, is that he saw me as no threat at all. Whether or not he was catching my shade, he felt completely safe blowing through all the warnings I set up, and without so much as an “excuse me” stopped within a foot of me to grab his stuff. Covid proprieties be darned, too.


Maybe he was just a crummy, self-absorbed, self-entitled person. Plenty of those around here, and let us not attribute to malice what can easily be explained by stupidity. But a sensible person does not hassle a man dropping into a fighting stance.


A sensible person does not hassle a man dropping into a fighting stance.


I’m going to have to think on this one. I’ve spent a long time working on knowing who I am, of working towards a position of being comfortable having others see me as the person I am, even if theirs might not be the reaction I hope for. Where I’ve never found myself is vulnerable to physical challenge simply for being female, and that’s a lesson I’m going to have to absorb. This continues to be a new world with new opportunities for learning. Every day is an adventure. Sometimes I find myself wishing I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then, but that was the case before I transitioned, too. We trans people get to see a facet of the human experience that few others ever will, and we lead richer lives for it, for better and for worse. This one, like I said, was both troubling and confirming. Unwritten rules are the hardest to learn but often the most important in any situation. I guess I’ll keep finding those out.  :-\


One last thought on second puberty: I got a pimple the other day! It was so cute! Haven’t had one of those in thirty years.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on January 25, 2021, 09:27:19 pm
Hi BG, I love your writing style. It is worth the long-form time expenditure to read through it all. If your SQL code is anything like as elegant as your English code, it must be very fine indeed. When I think of non-ANSI compliant SQL I remember a lengthy development project I did in FoxPro years ago. It took a lot of experimentation to find what would fly and what wouldn't. There were interesting workarounds involved.

I totally missed your summer and autumn postings, but in my defense this was when my wife and I were in the process of separating. I wasn't on Susan's much at the time.

Congratulations on two years! I'm sprinting toward three months myself. Just did my first E self-injection today.

I think my muscle strength is also on the decline. I lift weights a couple of times a week in a Zoom class, and it feels like it is getting harder. Also takes a little longer to recover. Last weekend I wound up walking a great deal of a trail "run" that is usually legitimate enough not to require scare quotes.

Well anyway, see you around. Write some more :)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 05, 2021, 06:39:33 pm
A brief health and hormones update.


Went to see Endo last week for a checkin. Not the full annual physical with finger puppets and all, but it had been a while, and he likes to lay eyes on you every now and again.


We did the usual round of blood tests, and as per usual, most came back fine, some came back unexpected, and a couple just batsh*t weird.


The finest of the fine was my PSA. I had to badger poor Endo to order it - after soaking in all this E, if my prostate weren't fried by now, I'd be stunned - but prostate cancer has struck too many close relatives for comfort. Fortunately, my PSA levels were close enough to zero to look like they're within range of measurement error. Yay!


T is 10 Engelberts per Humperdinck like it has been since we got to the right level of antiandrogen in early 2019. My blood sugar and A1C have gotten significantly better since starting HRT, too. @Rakel, do you know whether that's common?


White blood cells are unexpectedly high. It's not Covid. I know because I gave blood a couple days after seeing Endo, and the Red Cross checks for antibodies. I thus conclude it's either a cold or leukemia. Only time will tell.


A little side note: before anyone rushes out to donate blood at the Red Cross, I'd like to encourage everyone to rush out to donate blood at the Red Cross. Or anywhere else. Donations are way down because of Covid. People are dying to get your help.


Finally, the weird. I have kvetched about my E results in prior posts, and I guess I have no reason to stop now. Our target value is ~200 Engelberts, give or take. At the beginning of HRT we had a hard time getting anything above 60. Took about seven months to measure 200.


Four months later we measured 600. Five months after that, 200. No changes in dosage or method of administration after month three of starting HRT, mind you.


You can imagine my skepticism about this test when last week's came in at 900 Engelberts.


I dunno what to say. We try to control for variables like time of day, time since last shot, hydration, having eaten... A physician friend of mine advocates saliva tests as more accurate. Thoughts?
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 25, 2021, 01:15:08 pm
Back to the blood lab for followup on those wacky lab results from the other week.

We'll see what happens, but the fun part for me was the phlebotomists, who loved all over my skin! It's finally getting warm enough for short sleeves around here, so I had a fair amount exposed.

One of the ladies called it "Korean Glass" skin. I'd never heard that term before, but I'll take it.

Estrogen has been very, very good to me.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Lagdim on February 25, 2021, 03:37:54 pm
Back to the blood lab for followup on those wacky lab results from the other week.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 25, 2021, 05:48:13 pm
Good luck!
Thanks! I think the last test implied I was fixing to ovulate.

I wouldn't be disappointed to discover I had been, but I sure would be surprised.

Or perhaps not. Like I said, estrogen has been very, very good to me.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on February 28, 2021, 11:57:48 am
A pretty excellent day yesterday.

My driver's license expired this last September. Like it matters. Anymore I only ever drive to... (everybody say it together) the grocery store!

What with the plague and all, my state doesn't even care if your license has expired. They've extended everybody's grace period for renewal through the end of June. You can bet they'll extend it again when the flood of folks with expired licenses starts showing up at the DMV on July 1.

Now there's this RealID thing, too. Soon we won't be able to use our regular driver's licenses to get past airport security. Only passports or a RealID, which looks just like a driver's license but is a RealID. Oh, and your RealID also works as your driver's license. No real reason to get a driver's license anymore.

Except my state is so backwards and corrupt that they can't securely implement the RealID system, so citizens of our state can still use our driver's licenses to get past airport security. Unlikely to see that change for a while. No real reason to get a RealID yet.

So why was I even there? Meh. My life has become so boring that I thought it'd be fun to spend a little time down to the DMV. After all, at least it isn't... (you know what's coming) the grocery store!

Also, my driver's license was expired.

So I got a RealID.

I figure nobody else is going to have one from my state because there's no need to get one. Might as well give the poor airport security person a little thrill. When I can fly again. Which is probably when pigs will. I don't look forward to seeing what happens when those things start getting sucked into jet engines, lemme tell ya!

And at least until then I'll have this real swell RealID to show the cops when they pull me over on the way to... (one more time) the grocery store!

As it happens, this wasn't the first amazing transition experience I've had at the DMV. Early in anxious transition, I went to the DMV fully dressed to get my license plate stickers renewed, and the sky didn't fall in or anything. Surprised the heck out of me.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244796.msg2228906.html#msg2228906440

Now that I'm fully and gloriously and undeniably and unconcernedly Out, I mainly wanted to get a new photograph on my ID and to change its sex marker to female. I feel so fortunate that my state allows the latter to be done with nothing more than a downloadable form and one's own signature. No attestation from your physician, no legal order, no nuthin'. Just a claim that you want to change it. My state still only offers a binary male/female choice, but a change is in the works to add an "X" choice soon, as well.

So off I traipsed in leggings, full warpaint, and the sweater that brings out the aqua in my eyes. Was only misgendered once, and a withering glare got the person to apologize and correct the mistake immediately. These shoulders of mine. Sigh.

The DMV even had me in their systems under my chosen name! How that happened, I'll never know. I haven't legally changed it yet. I'd steeled myself to still see my deadname on the ID, but seeing my new face and new sex marker would be a more than satisfactory tradeoff. Besides, my deadname is (if rarely) used by women, so it wouldn't feel all that dreadful for other people to see it.

Aside from being misgendered that one time, everything ran smoothly. No grumbling, no Hairy Eyeballs, and even a little guidance when I got confused. One person hadn't ever seen the form for a sex marker change and needed to get some help from the manager, but that was about it. They didn't mind that I signed with my chosen name.

Floated out of that office with a temporary (paper) RealID and a full-body glow. They'll mail me the permanent one in a while. The temporary one is only black and white, and I can already tell the photo is going to be butt-ugly, and I couldn't care less. It's not going to look like the grouchy, conflicted, miserable guy on the old one. It's going to look like a very pleased, reasonably content, and realistically self-aware Battle Goddess with my real face, the appropriate marker for sex, and a big ol' grin, and I'm going to love the h*ll out of it.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 28, 2021, 12:02:54 pm
A pretty excellent day yesterday.

My driver's license expired this last September. Like it matters. Anymore I only ever drive to... (everybody say it together) the grocery store!

What with the plague and all, my state doesn't care if your license has expired. They've extended everybody's grace period for renewal through the end of June. You can bet they'll extend it again when the flood of folks with expired licenses starts showing up at the DMV on July 1.

Now there's this RealID thing, too. Soon we won't be able to use our regular driver's licenses to get past airport security. Only passports or a RealID, which looks just like a driver's license but is a RealID. Oh, and your RealID also works as your driver's license. No real reason to get a driver's license anymore.

Except my state is so backwards and corrupt that they can't securely implement the RealID system, so citizens of our state can still use our driver's licenses to get past airport security. Unlikely to see that change for a while. No real reason to get a RealID yet.

So why was I even there? Meh. My life has become so boring that I thought it'd be fun to spend a little time down to the DMV. After all, at least it isn't... (you know what's coming) the grocery store!

Also, my driver's license was expired.

So I got a RealID.

I figure nobody else is going to have one from my state because there's no need to get one. Might as well give the poor airport security person a little thrill. When I can fly again. Which is probably when pigs will. I don't look forward to seeing what happens when those things start getting sucked into jet engines, lemme tell ya!

And at least until then I'll have this real swell RealID to show the cops when they pull me over on the way to... (one more time) the grocery store!

As it happens, this wasn't the first amazing transition experience I've had at the DMV. Early in anxious transition, I went to the DMV fully dressed to get my license plate stickers renewed, and the sky didn't fall in or anything. Surprised the heck out of me.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244796.msg2228906.html#msg2228906440

Now that I'm fully and gloriously and undeniably and unconcernedly Out, I mainly wanted to get a new photograph on my ID and to change its sex marker to female. I feel so fortunate that my state allows the latter to be done with nothing more than a downloadable form from the Secretary of State's website and one's own signature. No attestation from your physician, no legal order, no nuthin'. Just a claim that you want to change it. My state still only offers a binary male/female choice, but a change is in the works to add an "X" choice soon, as well.

So off I traipsed in leggings, full warpaint, and the sweater that brings out the aqua in my eyes. Was only misgendered once, and a withering glare got the person to apologize and correct the mistake immediately. These shoulders of mine. Sigh.

The DMV even had me in their systems under my chosen name! How that happened, I'll never know. I haven't legally changed it yet. I'd steeled myself to still see my deadname on the ID, but seeing my new face and new sex marker would be a more than satisfactory tradeoff. Besides, my deadname is (if rarely) used by women, so it wouldn't feel all that dreadful for other people to see it.

Aside from being misgendered that one time, everything ran smoothly. No grumbling, no Hairy Eyeballs, and even a little guidance when I got confused. One person hadn't ever seen the form for a sex marker change and needed to get some help from the manager, but that was about it. They didn't mind that I signed with my chosen name.

Floated out of that office with a temporary (paper) RealID and a full-body glow. They'll mail me the permanent one in a while. The temporary one is only black and white, and I can already tell the photo is going to be butt-ugly, and I couldn't care less. It's not going to look like the grouchy, conflicted, miserable guy on the old one. It's going to look like a very pleased, reasonably content, and realistically self-aware Battle Goddess with my real face, the appropriate marker for sex, and a big ol' grin, and I'm going to love the h*ll out of it.


Sounds like a VERY good day.   :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on February 28, 2021, 06:05:38 pm
Excellent BG, and a well written story out of it too.

I got my RealID last year, unfortunately too soon for a new name or gender marker.

The most entertainment you'll get from it is watching the liquor store clerks and bar bouncers squint as they try to read the tiny print of your birthdate.

I once crossed the border leaving communist East Germany with a full beard, but my passport photo was clean shaven. The border guard had a good time striking fear into my heart as he looked back and forth between the photo and my blanched face.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 02, 2021, 12:14:25 pm
I once crossed the border leaving communist East Germany with a full beard, but my passport photo was clean shaven. The border guard had a good time striking fear into my heart as he looked back and forth between the photo and my blanched face.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Hahaha!

Reminds me of the time I got dragged out of my train's bathroom by a very cranky German border cop who apparently thought I was bringing drugs in from Holland but had lost my nerve.

Dude was even more unhappy after he searched the commode. There was a good reason I'd been in there, and it wasn't smuggling dope.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 03, 2021, 01:12:27 pm
Well, that was an interesting trip to the grocery store!

Dude tried to cop a feel.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on March 03, 2021, 03:49:07 pm
Well, that was an interesting trip to the grocery store!

Dude tried to cop a feel.
I'm not sure I dare ask about your reaction to that. So many layers...

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 03, 2021, 06:48:29 pm
I'm not sure I dare ask about your reaction to that. So many layers...

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
I'm still shaken.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maid Marion on March 03, 2021, 08:08:06 pm
Sorry to hear that.

I recall an old guy who tried to hug me.  Totally inappropriate situation.
Fortunately he was also slow, so I just moved out of the way.

Marion
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 03, 2021, 09:02:58 pm
There's so much to unpack.

First off, I generally loathe being touched. That's been getting easier lately, but not by much.

Next, we were in the middle of a busy effing grocery store. This was beyond obnoxious. We're talking bizarre. I don't think I can even manage to be offended so much as disgusted and weirded out, and I have a very high tolerance for the weird.

Can't even muster a sense of feeling degraded or of having been objectified. It's a mystery to me who he thought he was interacting with.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on March 03, 2021, 10:49:39 pm
I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's going to put you even more on guard I'd guess, and that's unfortunate. Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 04, 2021, 11:23:19 am
I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's going to put you even more on guard I'd guess, and that's unfortunate. Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Hrm. I'm afraid I'm always on guard anyway. C-PTSD will do that for you. Yayyyyy.

Spent the evening examining my feelings on the matter. You know what? Along with all the squickyness of the encounter, it comes with a certain sense of self-loathing. I'm well and truly disgusted with myself because a little part of me feels happy and validated that he was interested in me. Ick.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: davina61 on March 04, 2021, 12:26:41 pm
Yes had an old chap hit on me in the pub. Same thoughts , I passed but really !!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on March 04, 2021, 03:22:25 pm


Hrm. I'm afraid I'm always on guard anyway. C-PTSD will do that for you. Yayyyyy.

Spent the evening examining my feelings on the matter. You know what? Along with all the squickyness of the encounter, it comes with a certain sense of self-loathing. I'm well and truly disgusted with myself because a little part of me feels happy and validated that he was interested in me. Ick.

Not that anything I say is going to help, but the little part of yourself that feels happy and validated probably doesn't have responsibility for keeping you feeling safe and healthy. Just observe the feeling and let it go. We are hardwired to respond when somebody expresses an interest in us. You can't squelch the feeling, only your actions. Other women say, "Welcome to our world."

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 15, 2021, 08:52:58 am

Not that anything I say is going to help, but the little part of yourself that feels happy and validated probably doesn't have responsibility for keeping you feeling safe and healthy. Just observe the feeling and let it go. We are hardwired to respond when somebody expresses an interest in us. You can't squelch the feeling, only your actions. Other women say, "Welcome to our world."

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk


@RandyL, I never replied to you, but your note did help. Thank you for your unrelenting kindness. You're a gem.

In other news, I finally got the results back from the second round of tests Endo ordered after my E levels came in at 900 Engelberts last time.

200 Engelberts this time. Perfectly normal for a healthy woman, and exactly the value Endo and I are targeting. Go figure. Kind of a disappointment that I don't have cryptoövaries, but you can't have everything in this life, and at least now I got breasts.

Those of us who have been slogging through this lengthy blog for the last two years have seen me bithcing aplenty about the unreliability of my E test results, so I'll spare everyone. I'm now resigned to having to do extra blood draws whenever the test comes in funky. So it goes.

The test results took longer than usual to arrive because Endo's office ordered them under my chosen name (they treat me under my chosen name but for whatever reason had always ordered blood tests under deadname). Had to make a new account with Quest, and somehow Quest had a hard time matching my new profile with the latest results. I speculate that was because my new profile matched the old profile under my deadname too strongly and caused confusion. Quest has a process to request a manual exception investigation (on their website but not their phone app), which took care of the issue overnight.

White blood cell counts were back in their proper range, too. I guess I did have a bug the first time.

Will mention this, too, on the Coronavirus thread: got my second (Pfizer) vaccine two days ago. My arm is a little tender about two inches around the pinprick injection site. The needle is tiny! For all of us who take our E via injection, you'll laugh at the folks when they tell you it may hurt when they jab you.

I had a horrible reaction to my shingles vaccine booster - laid me out for several days - so I was prepared for a similar reaction to this booster. So far, so good, though. Didn't feel much anything the day of the injection, but yesterday was rather low-energy, and I went to bed early. YMWV, of course, but my system can clearly be pretty reactive, and it wasn't, so that's one data point.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: BrianaJ on March 15, 2021, 10:27:45 am
Wow- your "incident" brings back some memories of a similar incident that happened to me.  This was some time ago when I first tried to come out.  As many with some experience under their belts know, things were different "back in the day."   My boss at the time was a perv.  You know, those guys that say lots of dumb inappropriate things all the time?? He'd think nothing of telling inappropriate jokes, call all women honey, sweetie, babe etc.

I was out on the unit making rounds and then made a trip to his office to update him on some equipment issues.  I wore a scrub uniform at the time but I chose the dress version of it...of course.  ;-)  He was sitting at his desk and I was standing next to him reviewing the list when he started to run his hand up my leg.  I always thought that if someone did something like that to me I'd clobber them or something. I totally froze.  Just stood there like a stone pillar.  When I finally reacted, I swatted his hand away and he just cracked up. 

I didn't do anything about it or tell anyone.  I was already on shaky ground with what I was attempting to do and I didn't want the additional label of trouble maker or something else.  Anyway, I feel for you.  Men do some really weird and inappropriate things at times and they don't think twice about it.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: davina61 on March 15, 2021, 01:11:10 pm
Tell me about E readings, had one before Christmas and it was 1000 so had to do another and that was 100 . strange as the 3 before were spot on where they should be.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 15, 2021, 02:12:14 pm
Tell me about E readings, had one before Christmas and it was 1000 so had to do another and that was 100 . strange as the 3 before were spot on where they should be.

@davina61 and the Battle Goddess: sisters in mysterious ovulations.

Maybe we're like the Graeae, but instead of passing around a mystical eye so we can take turns seeing, an ovary rotates among us right before our blood tests.

Now we just need to find our third sister.

I call dibs on Pemphredo. Supposedly she had a nice wardrobe.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 21, 2021, 09:56:09 am
Just felt a pain in my thumb and saw part of the nail had split.

"Awww, I've broken a nail!" In the voice of a complaining woman from old movies was the first thought that crossed my mind.

I suppose that's affirming?

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on March 21, 2021, 10:57:39 am
Now you're gonna have to apply nail polish in a bid to repair it. Not affirming at all lol.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 21, 2021, 12:27:18 pm
Now you're gonna have to apply nail polish in a bid to repair it. Not affirming at all lol.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Reapply. Already did!(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210321/ab0c14c3e7923bdb52d4408dfa6b55fa.jpg)

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 24, 2021, 02:06:14 pm

My driver's license expired this last September....

Now there's this RealID thing, too. Soon we won't be able to use our regular driver's licenses to get past airport security. Only passports or a RealID, which looks just like a driver's license but is a RealID. Oh, and your RealID also works as your driver's license. No real reason to get a driver's license anymore.

Except my state is so backwards and corrupt that they can't securely implement the RealID system, so citizens of our state can still use our driver's licenses to get past airport security. Unlikely to see that change for a while. No real reason to get a RealID yet....

So why was I even [at the DMV]? Meh. My life has become so boring that I thought it'd be fun to spend a little time down [there]....

Also, my driver's license was expired.

So I got a RealID.


ANNNND... the DMV sent me a driver's license. Shoulda known.

I actually like living where I do. The weather is predictably unpredictably horrible, state and county government is laughably corrupt, and my municipal government is more about performative virtue-signaling than paving the roads. I was so disappointed when we moved here to discover that we're a nuclear weapons-free zone. There went my wintertime basement project!  :P

Nuts. I could have built one and filled a pothole with it.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 29, 2021, 08:09:58 pm
Chalk another one up for puberty.

I used to get horrible cystic acne on my back during my teens. Big and nasty. Sometimes they'd go away on their own. A few burst under the skin and caused a massive inflammatory response. Just miserable.

Got a new one.

Plus ça change, but this time I didn't mess around. Got that sucker excised as quick as I could. I may be going through a second adolescence, but I'll be darned if I go through it as dumb as I was the first time.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210330/d9eee05600e555cb3af5b341203b2611.jpg)

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on March 31, 2021, 05:15:13 pm
I serve on the board of a local theater company. They're pretty great. They go into schools and act out brief skits followed by interactive discussion sessions to help children understand and address issues related to mental health, bullying, abuse, etc. in a safe environment. Everyone was very welcoming and made me comfortable from the beginning, and the GM has talked about developing a module for trans kids.

Sent this note to the board today:



Hey, All.


I’m a fairly private person and not much one for public activism, but since [our organization] serves children and since trans children are so terribly under the gun these days, I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone that March 31st is International Transgender Day of Visibility.


According to PFLAG, it’s “dedicated to celebrating the accomplishments and victories of transgender and gender-expansive people, while simultaneously raising awareness of the work that is still needed to combat discrimination and violence.”


According to me, one of the great accomplishments and victories of transgender and gender-expansive children is actually managing to be transgender and gender-expansive children. It’s challenging enough as an adult, but it can be awfully rocky for the young ‘uns.


So if you happen to know a transgender or gender-expansive kid, how’s about you take a moment today to remind them that you think they’re all right, that you’re cool with who they are, and that you’re proud of them for flying the flag? They deserve to hear that sort of thing every so often.

You don’t even have to stop doing it after March 31st.   :)


Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Danielle93 on April 02, 2021, 06:26:49 am
Congratiolayshions!!!
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 02, 2021, 10:09:41 am

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210330/d9eee05600e555cb3af5b341203b2611.jpg)

Good gravy, I'm going grey!

Gonna have to get that taken care of right quick.

Chalk another one up for vanity, too.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on April 02, 2021, 10:17:59 am
Good gravy, I'm going grey!

Gonna have to get that taken care of right quick.

Chalk another one up for vanity, too.
Well I was thinking that was an uncommonly attractive view of your head. Didn't want to offend the Battle Goddess by pointing that out, but now that you bring up the topic...

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 02, 2021, 10:22:20 am
Well I was thinking that was an uncommonly attractive view of your head. Didn't want to offend the Battle Goddess by pointing that out, but now that you bring up the topic...

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Aren't you the sweetest thing!

I suppose it is better than average. Scarce shows any of the dents.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on April 02, 2021, 10:27:15 am
Aren't you the sweetest thing!

I suppose it is better than average. Scarce shows any of the dents.
All my dents are on top and I'm not publishing that view! Well, besides the evident damage to whatever's left inside

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 03, 2021, 12:52:51 pm
Today I decided to address the eternal conundrum of Ginger vs. Mary Ann.

I did my hair in pigtails, and now I'm a ginger Mary Ann!

/runs away cackling
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 06, 2021, 10:06:11 pm
Had to call my insurance company for something today. The rep kept switching between calling me "sir" and "ma'am."

He finally apologized, saying, "It's just that your voice sounds like a woman's."

I coulda kissed him. I've been working and practicing so hard for so long, and to my ear the results are still so meager. Most of the time it feels like my voice is still rumbling deep down in my belly.

So I guess progress continues, even when I don't think it's happening. You never know. I guess I have to update my gender flag with my insurance company, too.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on April 07, 2021, 03:31:33 pm
I can only imagine, but...yeah.  If my doc sent me home with a 7 day sample pack of E, even though I am trying to avoid transitioning, I believe I’d use it all and probably be hooked for life.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on April 07, 2021, 04:18:46 pm


... Most of the time it feels like my voice is still rumbling deep down in my belly.
...
I try to remember that everybody's voice sounds different to themselves than to everybody else. It's the classic (maybe more to old people like me) of the first time you hear a recording of yourself and you think the microphone was bad. But no, everybody else says it's really your voice.

In our own heads I think (hope) we hear much deeper resonance than people who are not inside our heads hear. I'm not discussing the other voices in there.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 07, 2021, 07:15:27 pm
I believe I’d use it all and probably be hooked for life.

... and never want it any other way!   ;D
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 10, 2021, 08:12:52 am
I believe I’d use it all and probably be hooked for life.

... and never want it any other way!   ;D




*** Added one day later

And, as it happens, today is Estrogen Thursday, and I'm blissing out like usual  :D :D :D

Who honestly knows if my body had been aching for the stuff all those long, sad years? Endo says that once his trans patients get on the right treatment, it's as though a caul lifts from their souls. Malevolent depressions begin to resolve. Light creeps in.

Doesn't mean that it's the hormones. I suspect it most likely that they're finally shedding their old selves and moving forward with their truths. But even so, my goodness! E so soothes the face of the deep.

Talked to Pdoc today, and we realized we hadn't seen each other in three months. In times past I generally haven't been able to go without checking in for more than four weeks. Prolly wouldn't even have called her this time, but my Unhappy Pills were running out.

Pdoc mentioned how resolved I've become. Yeah, I replied, I'm out to everyone. Socially, professionally. Too late not to be. Changed my LinkedIn profile once I realized there was no way I could deliver the Former Person anymore. False advertising. Most almost everyone has been cool with it, and when anyone gives me guff, I just grin at them.

"No, that's not it," she says. "I don't mean you've come to terms with your transition, or that you've stopped fighting or worrying about it. I mean that when we first got together all those years ago, I could see that you were just trying to keep going."

It's true. My main goal back then was to make it long enough to get the younger kid established in college. The restrictive clauses in my life insurance policies would have expired by then and I could have found a time and place of my own choosing. Main problem was that I didn't think I had any hope of getting that far. Each day was one trudge after another. I was a creaking machine held together by habit and momentum, burning oil and billowing black smoke.

Pdoc goes on, "You're not forcing yourself to talk. The pain in everything you say about your life isn't there. I don't taste the bitterness like I used to."

Far out. I still have a sordid history I wish I didn't, I still feel plenty of pain, and I'm still a crabby old broad. Same curmudgeon, new wrapping paper. But yeah, she's right. Every day is not a trudge. I don't need to hide from the world or self-isolate all the time. I like my wrapping paper now. I'm happy being me.

Whaddaya know.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on April 10, 2021, 12:54:31 pm
BG, I'm so glad you've been able to resolve the conflict in your soul. Your recent postings show this, with a more optimistic tone.

It's it time for the Battle to become something else? I still like to tweak the Goddess from time to time however

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 11, 2021, 02:22:00 pm
BG, I'm so glad you've been able to resolve the conflict in your soul. Your recent postings show this, with a more optimistic tone....

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Nice to hear. :) Thank you.

This is not to discount your words of encouragement, but to give some perspective on my moods: it's also the vernal equinox. From now until summer's solstice is my happiest time of year. I breathe the strengthening sun. It fills me with a surfeit of light.

Mood disorders can be uncomfortably sensitive to light. Y'all may have heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder, commonly known as SAD syndrome, where some people get distressingly blue during the darkest times of year. I get hit with it a little bit, but not as badly as some. Me, I am struck by sunlight. It's the best, most powerful antidepressant I have, but sometimes it works too hard. The myth of Icarus trapped in his lust for ever more of its baleful ecstasy is a fair metaphor.

Even looking back at this last paragraph, you can see many of the signs: high-falutin' language, classical allusions, obscure puns, poetic contrapositions. When you start seeing six-word alliterations, you'll know I'm really off my nut.  :o

That's why bipolar disorder can be so vexing. It's a murderous thing. We kill ourselves at an alarming rate. As a Mentally Interesting transgender person with addiction issues, I have a pretty good idea of how I'm going to die. I'm resolved to that, and you gotta die of something, anyway.

No, the vexing thing about bipolar disorder is that it ain't all bad. It can feel glorious like nothing else can. Lots of us go off our meds because the pills cut off access to the highs as well as the lows. There's a line in Marlowe's Faustus where Mephistopheles the fallen angel says he carries Hell with him wherever he goes because he has tasted the eternal joys of Heaven, but now he can never go back.

I dunno. We're allowed access to an aspect of the human experience that few people will ever know, and it comes with its joys as well as its miseries. The thing that can hurt the most is that often you can't survive with it, but sometimes you don't want to live without it.


It's it time for the Battle to become something else? I still like to tweak the Goddess from time to time however

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

My battles are manifold and multiform. Your tweaks, madame, land as naught but love taps happily and gratefully received.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 11, 2021, 03:44:28 pm

It's it time for the Battle to become something else?

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Speaking of battles, I gathered my courage today and put a recent photo of myself in my LinkedIn profile, which I actively use for business and to keep in touch with professional contacts. I fixed my name a while ago but hadn't put up a new picture - only took down the old one and changed the background to trans flag colors.

I'd been using the excuses of "I don't have a nice, professional-looking photo. They're all from somewhere in my cluttered house" and "all my pictures are so unflattering" and "Geez, I hate putting myself out on social media."

Well, nuts. I did have a pretty photo from the day I went to renew my license. LinkedIn makes you crop so much just to fit your face on the page that the background wasn't an issue. And... well... it was really only fear that was keeping me from doing it. Nothing else.

The heck with that. Too late for fear now. And what, specifically, was I supposed to be afraid of? I yam what I yam, saith the philosopher, and my name is Battle Goddess, and I look how I look, and I got nobody else to be. I can be as afraid as I want to be for all the good it'll do me. I had been at a spot on the path where I felt like resting for a little while, but it was time to be moving forward.

I wonder why this was such a big deal for me? Certainly the "photograph on social media" is a biggie. Up until now I've been able to keep myself out of that maelstrom. It was going to happen sooner or later, but still, blecch. My interwebz virginity, gone.

Kinda also feels like it was the last place I wasn't fully Out. As in, I've been telling people individually and piecemeal, but they've been the folks I've been comfortable telling. I'm Out in public anytime I leave the house, but most people don't even recognize me anymore what with my new mannerisms, new clothes, makeup, dyed (long) hair, and my face half-covered. Why should they? I'm a palimpsest, effectively anonymous.

Now I'm searchable. One of my eldest's friends looked me up on LinkedIn and asked how I'm doing. "Well," I wrote back, "life is full of transitions..."

She sent me back a smiley face.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on April 11, 2021, 05:10:11 pm
Speaking of battles, I gathered my courage today and put a recent photo of myself in my LinkedIn profile, which I actively use for business and to keep in touch with professional contacts. I fixed my name a while ago but hadn't put up a new picture - only took down the old one and changed the background to trans flag colors.

I'd been using the excuses of "I don't have a nice, professional-looking photo. They're all from somewhere in my cluttered house" and "all my pictures are so unflattering" and "Geez, I hate putting myself out on social media."

Well, nuts. I did have a pretty photo from the day I went to renew my license. LinkedIn makes you crop so much just to fit your face on the page that the background wasn't an issue. And... well... it was really only fear that was keeping me from doing it. Nothing else.

The heck with that. Too late for fear now. And what, specifically, was I supposed to be afraid of? I yam what I yam, saith the philosopher, and my name is Battle Goddess, and I look how I look, and I got nobody else to be. I can be as afraid as I want to be for all the good it'll do me. I had been at a spot on the path where I felt like resting for a little while, but it was time to be moving forward.

I wonder why this was such a big deal for me? Certainly the "photograph on social media" is a biggie. Up until now I've been able to keep myself out of that maelstrom. It was going to happen sooner or later, but still, blecch. My interwebz virginity, gone.

Kinda also feels like it was the last place I wasn't fully Out. As in, I've been telling people individually and piecemeal, but they've been the folks I've been comfortable telling. I'm Out in public anytime I leave the house, but most people don't even recognize me anymore what with my new mannerisms, new clothes, makeup, dyed (long) hair, and my face half-covered. Why should they? I'm a palimpsest, effectively anonymous.

Now I'm searchable. One of my eldest's friends looked me up on LinkedIn and asked how I'm doing. "Well," I wrote back, "life is full of transitions..."

She sent me back a smiley face.
I was diagnosed bi-polar though I believe im more in the cyclothymiac range and haven’t taken my meds for 12 years now. In my case my (then) hidden gender dysphoria was a significant contributory factor which I believe (in retrospect) confused and skewed my diagnosis. All that said there is a bit of me that misses those delicious highs where the world was a kaleidoscope of light suffused with ideas, possibilities and potential and I felt almost immortal. Naturally, I don’t miss those private hell pits the lows took me into.
You have my utmost respect that you function so well my dear BG.
Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on April 11, 2021, 07:45:53 pm
My sister in law is bipolar. I totally get wanting to stay in the high phase. She stays up all hours of the night and gets a lot done. The problem for the rest of us is that you can't get a word in edgewise.

BG, your level of discourse is much higher than hers

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 16, 2021, 10:36:34 am
My sister in law is bipolar. I totally get wanting to stay in the high phase. She stays up all hours of the night and gets a lot done. The problem for the rest of us is that you can't get a word in edgewise.

BG, your level of discourse is much higher than hers

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk


You only see of me what I choose to display.

This is social media, after all. I have no truck with those carefully curated Facebook and Instagram accounts whose narcisstic pictorial boasting aims to make people jealous of one another. However, the forums here are primarily text-based. They're a honeypot trap for someone like me who prefers rhythm and allusion to image.


So I write and I write. And edit. And edit. And edit, and edit, and edit. "Was this the best turn of phrase?" "Perhaps I might have said that more elegantly." "I know I can slip an obscure literary reference in here if I try hard enough." "Maybe a haiku?" "Hrm... On eighth consideration..." "Oops, that was dumb. Better fix that!" Fifth, sixth, eighteenth drafts. I even find myself revising months-old posts. Human memory continuously rewrites itself, and so does the Battle Goddess.



Speaking of rewrites, yesterday I had my more-or-less semiannual hair color refresh!  :D

Every time for the last few years we've gone more and more red, and it came out better and better every time. I didn't see any reason to stop. As per usual, my gal brought out a bunch of swatches. This time I told her, "Hey, I got nothing to lose. If the wife hates it, that's a sign you've done your usual excellent job. Use your best judgment, crank it up, and let's have some fun!"



Oh... my... goodness...



I got multiple compliments at the grocery store.



The wife hates it with a passion unbridled.



As for me? That's it. I'm done. I've transitioned. I figure that when you look in the mirror and don't know who that pretty gal is, but you know you wish you looked like her, that's when you can be satisfied you've crossed the river for good. This is what I wanted. She's who I wanted. Whatever was left of the Former Person crept out the back way, and sayonara to him.


I feel like the Goddess wanted it this way, too. The new color brilliantly brings out the grey/blue/green in my eyes. The ancients didn't really have words to describe Her eye color very well, but the words sort of come out meaning something like my eyes' color. Often they called Her eyes "shining." Guess I'll have to keep eyedrops at hand.



Sometimes I wonder whether I invoked Her, or that She descended upon me, or even whether She was always there, waiting to manifest. All I know is that every step of the way of this terrifying transgender thing, every crisis, every moment of panic, every fleeting triumph, every screwup, the real Battle Goddess has been there with me, comforting me, shielding me, giving me tools, doling out dopeslaps every time I deserved one. She packs a hearty dopeslap, lemme tellya! Pitiless, searing, merciful dopeslaps.


Least I can do is drop a little glaukoptos on the world in her honor, ne?


Here's some pix. I'll bend my rules and show a bit of face since there's a mask over most of it.



(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210416/9d67a8105fe7c1827c53a4a621186d3e.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210416/699b7c7aa15358c627acc8028d50806f.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210416/8ef28bb61efcd3e9244af3d1b0dae857.jpg)
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on April 16, 2021, 10:11:58 pm
I like it.  It doesn't look particularly natural, but very attractive.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 16, 2021, 10:36:19 pm
The kidlet pointed out that among her, her sister, my sister, and me, I'm the fourth of us to dye my hair red. She wondered why.

"I dunno, kid." I said, "You should ask Grandma Boudicea."
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on April 17, 2021, 02:00:12 am
We don't get to see your eyes, but what we do see is stunning. I finally have an image to supplant the one that had formed in my mind's eye. I always like having a face, or something, to go with the names I know here. Thank you BG, and I think you look great. Whenever I think of you henceforth I will see red.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on April 18, 2021, 03:56:50 am

You only see of me what I choose to display.

This is social media, after all. I have no truck with those carefully curated Facebook and Instagram accounts whose narcisstic pictorial boasting aims to make people jealous of one another. However, the forums here are primarily text-based. They're a honeypot trap for someone like me who prefers rhythm and allusion to image.


So I write and I write. And edit. And edit. And edit, and edit, and edit. "Was this the best turn of phrase?" "Perhaps I might have said that more elegantly." "I know I can slip an obscure literary reference in here if I try hard enough." "Maybe a haiku?" "Hrm... On eighth consideration..." "Oops, that was dumb. Better fix that!" Fifth, sixth, eighteenth drafts. I even find myself revising months-old posts. Human memory continuously rewrites itself, and so does the Battle Goddess.



Speaking of rewrites, yesterday I had my more-or-less semiannual hair color refresh!  :D

Every time for the last few years we've gone more and more red, and it came out better and better every time. I didn't see any reason to stop. As per usual, my gal brought out a bunch of swatches. This time I told her, "Hey, I got nothing to lose. If the wife hates it, that's a sign you've done your usual excellent job. Use your best judgment, crank it up, and let's have some fun!"



Oh... my... goodness...



I got multiple compliments at the grocery store.



The wife hates it with a passion unbridled.



As for me? That's it. I'm done. I've transitioned. I figure that when you look in the mirror and don't know who that pretty gal is, but you know you wish you looked like her, that's when you can be satisfied you've crossed the river for good. This is what I wanted. She's who I wanted. Whatever was left of the Former Person crept out the back way, and sayonara to him.


I feel like the Goddess wanted it this way, too. The new color brilliantly brings out the grey/blue/green in my eyes. The ancients didn't really have words to describe Her eye color very well, but the words sort of come out meaning something like my eyes' color. Often they called Her eyes "shining." Guess I'll have to keep eyedrops at hand.



Sometimes I wonder whether I invoked Her, or that She descended upon me, or even whether She was always there, waiting to manifest. All I know is that every step of the way of this terrifying transgender thing, every crisis, every moment of panic, every fleeting triumph, every screwup, the real Battle Goddess has been there with me, comforting me, shielding me, giving me tools, doling out dopeslaps every time I deserved one. She packs a hearty dopeslap, lemme tellya! Pitiless, searing, merciful dopeslaps.


Least I can do is drop a little glaukoptos on the world in her honor, ne?


Here's some pix. I'll bend my rules and show a bit of face since there's a mask over most of it.



(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210416/9d67a8105fe7c1827c53a4a621186d3e.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210416/699b7c7aa15358c627acc8028d50806f.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210416/8ef28bb61efcd3e9244af3d1b0dae857.jpg)
I LOVE your hair BG!
I think it’s a shame that you need to present perfection on here when unfiltered is a much more interesting window on the soul.
I tend to write what I feel, sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes insightful, sometimes (more often) irrelevant dross. I only edit typos
Anyway, critically, I would sooooo love hair like that!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 18, 2021, 07:50:16 am
I like it.  It doesn't look particularly natural, but very attractive.
Thanks!

Yah, it doesn't exactly seem like a color found in nature, does it? Rather more anime than animal.

It's fashionable among Polish ladies where I live to dye their hair a similar color but brighter and brassier, more of a magenta. Betcha I get pegged for Ukrainian or Ruthenian: a close neighbor but definitively distinct.

Every time I see it in the mirror, I love it more and more. Occurs to me part of this is because I now look nothing like the Former Person. That guy would never have had the guts to do something like this. He'd have been too worried about looking corporate and fitting in, of not distracting from his work with his appearance.

Me? I've shrugged off those fears and kicked away that shell. I'm allowing myself to be who I am, and it's not that guy, and not looking like him feels fantastic.


We don't get to see your eyes, but what we do see is stunning. I finally have an image to supplant the one that had formed in my mind's eye.... Thank you BG, and I think you look great.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk


Thanks, definitely!

However, you do make a girl wonder how ugly you thought she was?


...Whenever I think of you henceforth I will see red.
Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

You ain't the first person I've got all mad at me. Take a ticket and get in line.


I LOVE your hair BG!
I think it’s a shame that you need to present perfection on here when unfiltered is a much more interesting window on the soul.
I tend to write what I feel, sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes insightful, sometimes (more often) irrelevant dross. I only edit typos
Anyway, critically, I would sooooo love hair like that!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, I do try to be truthful in everything I say on here. Y'all have seen me (Seen me? Read me? Delved into me?) at both my lightest and most dark.

There's that line in Vonnegut's Mother Night that goes something like how we have to be careful of who we pretend to be because we always end up becoming that person.

I try not to be anyone other than myself on here for a couple of reasons. In the first place,  even though I've basically known who I am, the details have still been hazy, and blogging has helped me as I work them out. In the second, I know that I am changing and growing ever so rapidly during these times, and I want and need to leave myself an hysterical record to refer back to. Today I'm not who I was two years ago, so I can't today pretend to be who I was back then, but at least I can try to piece together why I'm not.

In all my honest blogging, though, I don't go "warts and all" on you-all. I mostly try to leave my family out of it because they deserve their privacy. I don't go into the shady life I led as a young person or my wacky household growing up and the scars it left. I don't talk about lilacs. All of these are critical to who I am and how I behave now, but they aren't relevant to my transition.

As a side note, I keep harping on my addiction issues and mental health issues because they're so often objects of shaming, derision, and discrimination in our society, and too often they're suffered with in silence and without being addressed.

They shouldn't be. They're issues a person faces, to be sure, and they deserve to be managed, but I want to be a very public example of someone who is unafraid, unabashed, and who unashamedly and actively addresses hers. Anyone can, and everyone should.

It's too much like being trans. There's no shame in it; there's nothing morally or ethically wrong with it; it's neither evil nor a character flaw. And just like being trans, it's a tragedy to do nothing about it.

Thank you, Pammie, for the kind words about my hair! You, too, can have it. Just grow it out for three long years and see my gal at the Ulta down the way.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Maid Marion on April 18, 2021, 08:06:35 am
Hi Battle Goddess,

I also think  your hair looks great.

My wife had  her share of mental health demons and was a NAMI recovery group leader.
She also thought I was one of the most well adjusted people she had ever met.   

Marion
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on April 18, 2021, 12:28:02 pm


...
Every time I see it in the mirror, I love it more and more. Occurs to me part of this is because I now look nothing like the Former Person. That guy would never have had the guts to do something like this. He'd have been too worried about looking corporate and fitting in, of not distracting from his work with his appearance.

Me? I've shrugged off those fears and kicked away that shell. I'm allowing myself to be who I am, and it's not that guy, and not looking like him feels fantastic.
 
Isn't it amazing how we're now willing to do things we'd have never considered before! In my case, once I came out as trans nothing else seems like such a big deal.
However, you do make a girl wonder how ugly you thought she was?
 
Let me just say the "Battle" part of your name dominated my internal vision. Valkyries are not ugly, but they look very different from the beautiful young thing with the red hair that I saw.
You ain't the first person I've got all mad at me. Take a ticket and get in line.
You got that I was joking, I hope. I ended my post on a different line, then thought of this line and had to get out of bed to edit it
There's that line in Vonnegut's Mother Night that goes something like how we have to be careful of who we pretend to be because we always end up becoming that person.

I try not to be anyone other than myself on here for a couple of reasons. In the first place,  even though I've basically known who I am, the details have still been hazy, and blogging has helped me as I work them out. In the second, I know that I am changing and growing ever so rapidly during these times, and I want and need to leave myself an hysterical record to refer back to. Today I'm not who I was two years ago, so I can't today pretend to be who I was back then, but at least I can try to piece together why I'm not.
 
I like the Vonnegut quote. That resonates with me, and the changes I'm undergoing as I leave behind who I used to pretend to be.

My reasons for blogging sound similar to yours. Writing something down helps me to understand it, and the feedback from others is also helpful. I don't know if I'll ever go back and review it, but I always have a fantasy that I will and thus preserving it is a motivator for me. I tried to save old personal emails since the 80s but much has been lost in the transitions between systems and formats.
In all my honest blogging, though, I don't go "warts and all" on you-all. I mostly try to leave my family out of it because they deserve their privacy. I don't go into the shady life I led as a young person or my wacky household growing up and the scars it left. I don't talk about lilacs. All of these are critical to who I am and how I behave now, but they aren't relevant to my transition.

As a side note, I keep harping on my addiction issues and mental health issues because they're so often objects of shaming, derision, and discrimination in our society, and too often they're suffered with in silence and without being addressed.

They shouldn't be. They're issues a person faces, to be sure, and they deserve to be managed, but I want to be a very public example of someone who is unafraid, unabashed, and who unashamedly and actively addresses hers. Anyone can, and everyone should.

It's too much like being trans. There's no shame in it; there's nothing morally or ethically wrong with it; it's neither evil nor a character flaw. And just like being trans, it's a tragedy to do nothing about it.

Thank you, Pammie, for the kind words about my hair! You, too, can have it. Just grow it out for three long years and see my gal at the Ulta down the way.
I do go warts and all in my own blog. For me I think all of this applies to my transition as well as my evolving state of being. My own blog is about more than just my transition, although that does take center stage here on Susan's.

Being publicly out has been important to me. I get validation from seeing myself reflected back in how others see me. Sounds weird or narcissistic, I know. I think it's part of my social identity, and I'm also proud to be who I am. I want to show myself to the world.

I'm working on the hair but there will always be a problem atop my head. I love yours and I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on April 18, 2021, 01:23:53 pm
Isn't it amazing how we're now willing to do things we'd have never considered before! In my case, once I came out as trans nothing else seems like such a big deal.Let me just say the "Battle" part of your name dominated my internal vision. Valkyries are not ugly, but they look very different from the beautiful young thing with the red hair that I saw.You got that I was joking, I hope. I ended my post on a different line, then thought of this line and had to get out of bed to edit it I like the Vonnegut quote. That resonates with me, and the changes I'm undergoing as I leave behind who I used to pretend to be.

My reasons for blogging sound similar to yours. Writing something down helps me to understand it, and the feedback from others is also helpful. I don't know if I'll ever go back and review it, but I always have a fantasy that I will and thus preserving it is a motivator for me. I tried to save old personal emails since the 80s but much has been lost in the transitions between systems and formats.I do go warts and all in my own blog. For me I think all of this applies to my transition as well as my evolving state of being. My own blog is about more than just my transition, although that does take center stage here on Susan's.

Being publicly out has been important to me. I get validation from seeing myself reflected back in how others see me. Sounds weird or narcissistic, I know. I think it's part of my social identity, and I'm also proud to be who I am. I want to show myself to the world.

I'm working on the hair but there will always be a problem atop my head. I love yours and I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
It’s interesting isn’t it. Our motivation, our intent, our style all reflect perhaps our internal state and our status on our journey. My blog is basically just my thoughts on my day with the odd insight thrown in.
The single defining moment of my life turned out not to be my transition but the death of my little girl. It put transition into the background. I survived because I had become the real me and on that day the old me was permanently archived.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 22, 2021, 07:38:28 am
Mmmmm... my weekly visit from the Pink Fairy...

Cannot recommend highly enough.

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 27, 2021, 09:06:56 am
SQUEEEEE!

A new family moved in next door a couple of weeks ago. They have two little girls, 4 and 6, bright and friendly, both of them chatterboxes. We've been enjoying them ever so much.

Neither had asked me my name until the little one did this morning. I told her, "My name is [Battle Goddess], so you may call me Ms. [Battle Goddess]."

And now that's my name as far as they're concerned. Last thing they said to me before they went in was, "Bye-bye, Ms. [Battle Goddess]!"

Some days start off pretty darn good.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: RandiL on April 27, 2021, 09:59:34 am
Now that's affirming. I'm glad you found a happy use for "darn" in this post. Congratulations, Ms. [Battle Goddess]

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 27, 2021, 12:12:16 pm
Now that's affirming. I'm glad you found a happy use for "darn" in this post.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Indeed.

Once upon a time I made frequent use of a sailor's wealth of curses. Raising small children put a frequently strangling end to that, and I had to ask Ma to try to keep it clean when she babysat.

Language is a thing of obligations. It's not to my taste when children address adults without a "Mr./Ms," much as it may be fashionable to drop such appellations these days. Grates upon the appropriate distancing and responsibilities of social contract.

Guess I done went and got old. Darn.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 29, 2021, 11:01:54 am
"To all transgender Americans watching at home, especially young people who are so brave, I want you to know your President has your back."

High time one of them said it, and so cool that one of them finally did. Score one for the ongoing American project.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on April 29, 2021, 05:33:46 pm
Saw Endo for my annual physical. He squeezed the Girls and poked my prostate, which is something that probably doesn't get written very often. Also left me feeling that I should have made him take me out to dinner first.

He told me the same thing every doc has said at every annual checkup for the last thirty years, which is that I'm in pretty good shape for a fat goofball. Doesn't look like I'm gonna keel over anytime soon. Can't win 'em all.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 04, 2021, 03:23:25 pm
Where's my scrunchie, where's my scrunchie... gotta find my scrunchie so I can put my hair up... gotta put my hair up so it fits under the shower cap... gotta put on the shower cap so I can take a shower... gotta take a shower so I can shave... gotta shave because it feels grody under a mask if I don't... gotta wear a mask because I gotta go out... where's my scrunchie dammitdammitdammit... I was wearing it when I came in here... it wasn't in my hair after I got undressed... isn't on the floor, isn't in the sink, isn't in my sweatshirt, isn't in my shorts... isn't in the magazine rack, isn't behind the can... jeez, how'd it get in my bra?... Figures, don't it? Partners in crime. Never used to need 'em, now I can't do without 'em... No wonder it ran for its little buddy... C'mere, jackass. Time for a shower.

-- My internal monologue getting ready to go out today and get my eyebrows done.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 26, 2021, 01:52:11 pm
Why is it that every time I take my weekly injection of girljuice, that old Velvet Underground song goes through my head?

Estrogen, it's my wife and it's my life,
Because a mainer to my vein
Leads to a center in my head,
And then I'm better off than dead


Oh, that sweet, sweet Pink Cloud. Mmmmm.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on May 27, 2021, 05:44:24 pm
Rats. We were going to take a trip through Kentucky and West Virginia to the New River Gorge National Park, but it looks like there'll be storms by the time we can get there and spend any time. No hiking.  :'(

My family name isn't very common, but to the extent you can find us anywhere, we're thicker on the ground beginning in the Virginia and North Carolina mountains, then south and west from there. I've had no end of TSA agents ask me whether I was related to such-and-such a person from Allegheny/Appalachia/Ozarkland.

I probably was. You know that old joke about a person's family tree being more like a phone pole? My wife is really into my family's history, and she once dug up a portrait of a distant relative who was a general in the Union Army. He wasn't even my direct ancestor, and he looked exactly like my dad.

So, phooey. Prolly gonna end up stuck at home all weekend. Storms from the Dakotas through Oklahoma today, and they're messing up my weekend.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 04, 2021, 03:17:00 pm
Well... that certainly sucked.  >:(

Of all the various modes of dress I haven't dropped on DW yet, I've avoided skirts and dresses. I've worked her through foundation garments, jeggings, and I pretty much only wear leggings when I go out anymore. She has even purchased very nice ladies' blouses for me in flattering colors.

It's hotter than blazes today, though, and I had errands to run. If there ever were a day to break out the skirts, today would be it.

I figured she was cool with it when I got home. Didn't raise a stink, didn't skip a beat. Little did I realize that she hadn't realized.

Yeesh, did she flip out when she realized. A torrent of anger, mockery, deadnaming, scolding, blah de blah de blah.

It's not as though I pity her or feel sorry for her - she is who she is, and her feelings are her own, and she's entitled to her feelings. I'm not going to argue with them.

But boy howdy, it sure would be nice if they changed.
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on June 04, 2021, 03:25:03 pm
Well... that certainly sucked.  >:(

Of all the various modes of dress I haven't dropped on DW yet, I've avoided skirts and dresses. I've worked her through foundation garments, jeggings, and I pretty much only wear leggings when I go out anymore. She has even purchased very nice ladies' blouses for me in flattering colors.

It's hotter than blazes today, though, and I had errands to run. If there ever were a day to break out the skirts, today would be it.

I figured she was cool with it when I got home. Didn't raise a stink, didn't skip a beat. Little did I realize that she hadn't realized.

Yeesh, did she flip out when she realized. A torrent of anger, mockery, deadnaming, scolding, blah de blah de blah.

It's not as though I pity her or feel sorry for her - she is who she is, and her feelings are her own, and she's entitled to her feelings. I'm not going to argue with them.

But boy howdy, it sure would be nice if they changed.
Sending hugs hun - that has gotta be tough


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 04, 2021, 03:51:27 pm
Sending hugs hun - that has gotta be tough


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you, dollin'. All hugs gratefully received.

But it is what it is, and I am who I am, and nothing's gonna change that. You-Know-Who stands with me.

Plus, it's a really nice skirt, and I got the legs for it.  ;D
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Pammie on June 04, 2021, 04:08:21 pm
Thank you, dollin'. All hugs gratefully received.

But it is what it is, and I am who I am, and nothing's gonna change that. You-Know-Who stands with me.

Plus, it's a really nice skirt, and I got the legs for it.  ;D
Heck yes, you gotta give those legs some air!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 10, 2021, 10:52:59 am
Sweet, sweet, IM estrogen.

 :icon_archery: :icon_bunch: 

This is the heart of the addict: deprived of my muse, I'll take any little chemical joy I can justify.

I sure as h*ll didn't transition simply for the pleasure of doing E, and the IM method has been the more effective, but at times I feel as though clinging to flotsam in stormy seas and loving every moment.



Hey, it's a third of the way through the month with hardly any contributions yet. Drop some dough on the site!

Title: Re: Darn Endocrinologist
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 15, 2021, 10:02:47 am
Went down to the Red Cross and gave them some of my blood.

Summer is a time of vital need for the stuff. People be having more car accidents, there are all those gunfights everyone put off, and especially this year, folks having all sorts of postponed surgeries such as GCS.

Do a sister a solid and donate.

You get juice and cookies afterwards, too.