I've been hesitating to bring this up here but have come to the conclusion that I can't figure it out on my own and need all kinds of input I can possibly get. Pretty much. I will bring it up with my therapist too, if I can force myself to get my words out of my mouth. I've tried several times, but so far I haven't managed. It's too personal, it's too intimate. But I'll keep trying.
Anyhow, I'm on a waiting list with a surgeon for metoidioplasty, hysto and vaginectomy. I was on a consult with him in September last year, and up until recently (few weeks ago) I was 100% sure of what I wanted with no concerns or hesitations. I had been sure for a long time before the consultation as well. What I'm struggling with now I wouldn't call doubts but it's probably bordering to that.
My concerns are in regards to the vaginectomy, not the other stuff. I have very bad dysphoria about that part of my nether regions, specifically. Like that's where my dysphoria is the worst by far, and I've not liked getting penetrated there during sex for the past 10 years, but a few weeks ago, I started liking it again. Unexpectedly and suddenly, as I randomly gave it a new chance. Cause I've not been able to let it go from my fantasies, despite all those years of not liking it in real life. I've kept trying but it was never good, or even okay. Until a few weeks ago. Now I can put my dysphoria aside enough to enjoy it during sex, but all other times that dysphoria is too strong for me to handle living with it in the long run.
So now... thinking about no longer having that hole when post-op makes me sad, like I'm gonna miss it a lot. But at the same time thinking of keeping it has me in just as much distress cause of the dysphoria that is still as bad if not worse. Cause it keeps getting worse all the time. And I know getting it closed up would give me peace of mind all the times I won't be having sex, but sex is very important to me and I have a very high sex drive that I've come to enjoy. Like I do enjoy anal as well, but my sex life always felt incomplete without vaginal. Like something was missing.
This contradiction makes me feel like I have to choose between alleviating my dysphoria and keeping that part of my sex life available, which I now don't want to lose. I'm spinning in circles trying to figure this out. I know I can't choose having a functional sex life over having a functional life in general, but having to make the decision of getting it closed up is killing me.
Does anyone here have any thoughts, advice or support to offer me?
Or even just some tips on how I can make myself open up to my therapist about this?
I like her and I've seen her for a little over a year by now, she knows about me being trans and getting SRS soonish, which she's fine with and even excited about for my sake. However she's not exactly a specialist on gender/trans issues as she's just a general therapist. I don't have a gender therapist anymore, cause that contact ceased when I got my legal gender marker changed 4 years ago. I think it just feels too private for me to talk with her about, no matter how urgent.
I don't have a set date for surgery yet, only know it will likely happen sometime around summer this year. The vaginectomy itself will be done at a second stage (more likely in fall/winter then) but the first stage will include a UL using vaginal tissue so it might render my vag useless already at the first stage. I really don't want to opt out of having the UL for any reason. The thought of me keeping the vag but still getting meta freaks me out, I wouldn't like that kind of result on myself personally. I'm not against anyone else going that route, it's just that for my own body that's a big no.
I feel trapped with my options and like there is suddenly no good solution, but that I also can't do nothing cause that's only made my situation worse so far. I don't want to postpone/delay the op even more, cause it's what's keeping me above the surface. So I really just need to get this sorted out as soon as possible... somehow. But I can't even open my mouth about it.
As far as your Anxiety over the surgery, that is something you will have to work out for yourself because your decision will be based on your values. As for telling your therapist, the best solution would be to write a letter to your therapist explaining your feelings. Often it's difficult to put the words together under pressure but you can take a week or two polishing the letter so it says exactly what you want.
Quote from: Dena on April 04, 2018, 10:48:08 PM
As far as your Anxiety over the surgery, that is something you will have to work out for yourself because your decision will be based on your values. As for telling your therapist, the best solution would be to write a letter to your therapist explaining your feelings. Often it's difficult to put the words together under pressure but you can take a week or two polishing the letter so it says exactly what you want.
I know the decision has to be mine, and I wouldn't want for anyone else to make it for me either, but I would appreciate some kind of input to help me reach a decision, if that makes sense. I know it might not be something anyone here can help me with, but I thought it could be worth a shot.
A letter is a good idea. I'll try it and see what I can come up with. Thanks!
I think you might be freaking out that you'll miss something when in reality, when it's gone maybe you won't miss it. Not telling you what to feel, just that with any surgery come all kinds of imagined things that may or may not be true afterwards.
Personally I'd choose a life without anxiety and with (even if different) pleasure over a life with (potentially growing) anxiety and the extra pleasure as a bonus. Yet this is the perspective of me, a rather boring in-the-binary kind of guy.
Hope it works out for you.
Tough choice, especially if you don't know if the results of the surgery will ever be as satisfying as the function of the v. I get ya - being in two minds about it sucks, ends in feeling temporarily "ok" with it for a short time and then instantly feeling grossed out by it the rest.
At the moment while I think about B surgery options it's out of sight out of mind but I do wonder what amount of nerve endings and sensation will be lost and whether meta can really make up for it. It might always feel like a part of sexual function has been sacrificed, and as I guess it is. Question is how much, and I've not seen many people answer that one. I can't help you there as I haven't done it yet myself.
Quote from: November Fox on April 05, 2018, 09:23:47 AM
I think you might be freaking out that you'll miss something when in reality, when it's gone maybe you won't miss it. Not telling you what to feel, just that with any surgery come all kinds of imagined things that may or may not be true afterwards.
Personally I'd choose a life without anxiety and with (even if different) pleasure over a life with (potentially growing) anxiety and the extra pleasure as a bonus. Yet this is the perspective of me, a rather boring in-the-binary kind of guy.
Hope it works out for you.
That's how I've been thinking too, at least half the time. Half the time I think I'll miss it too much to handle it, the other half I think it would be worth it in the long run. You're right that with surgery comes imagining outcomes that may or may not be true.
I do consider myself a binary trans man, but I'm a gay bottom guy, and how I view my gender is probably a reason why the pleasure is clashing so hard with my dysphoria. If that makes sense. Cause I mean, me using my parts in a way that isn't "heteronormative", in a sense. I've always had a "use what I've got" kind of mindset to it, whether it's worked or not. I'm stubborn to a fault.
Quote from: Kylo on April 05, 2018, 12:01:12 PM
Tough choice, especially if you don't know if the results of the surgery will ever be as satisfying as the function of the v. I get ya - being in two minds about it sucks, ends in feeling temporarily "ok" with it for a short time and then instantly feeling grossed out by it the rest.
At the moment while I think about B surgery options it's out of sight out of mind but I do wonder what amount of nerve endings and sensation will be lost and whether meta can really make up for it. It might always feel like a part of sexual function has been sacrificed, and as I guess it is. Question is how much, and I've not seen many people answer that one. I can't help you there as I haven't done it yet myself.
Exactly, not knowing if the surgery would be satisfying enough, or more of a disappointment instead. And also, what would I do if that's how it would end up for me.
It's strange that I seem to be the least dysphoric during sex, and it's so much worse all the other times. But it has me thinking, if I could "learn" to handle that distress while doing that, maybe I could also find ways to cope better with it when doing other things as well. I'm aware that might be unrealistic wishful thinking, though.
I think another question, if I think of that further, is how much am I willing to sacrifice for the unknown.
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I did think a bit extra much again about this before I went to bed this morning. I had a long and heartfelt rant about it in my diary, and it started to dawn upon me that maybe it would be for the best to cancel surgery and re-think it all if I'm struggling this much with thinking I might regret it. Cause it is irreversible, after all. I know I need to consider that thought too, no matter how much I'd rather not. But I'll hold off on that too for as long as there's still time.