Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Topic started by: PurpleWolf on March 06, 2018, 07:30:02 AM

Title: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: PurpleWolf on March 06, 2018, 07:30:02 AM

How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
And I ofc mean pics of your 'old self' - pre-transition, childhood, pre-hormones etc... Whatever that means to you!

This came to my mind after just recently going through some old photos.
First, I don't feel bad seeing childhood photos of myself - and never have. I look like a girl in them but whatever. That was my reality back then and I like to look at them to reminisce about things I did back then. I don't feel bad seeing myself as a 'girl child' - after all, that's me! (Though haven't looked at those in a long time.) I only feel bad if said pic is from a situation I remember feeling uncomfortable in. But I'm def not the 'burn all old pics' type! I think that's a curious part of my history.

It does feel a bit weird to see some 'girly' pics of myself around the age 12-13.

Pics from 13 onwards are cool with me coz that's the time I socially transitioned and started identifying as a boy. Ofc I might not quite look like one in all of them - but in general I see a happy me, who's content with himself! I still remember exactly how I felt about them at the time... No matter how skinny I was I always felt I looked 'fat' bcos of my feminine thighs - unless I was wearing something that really accentuated my shoulders. So I wasn't happy looking at them at the time... but in retrospect I see a person who at least tried to be himself.

Pics before the age 20 or so also still reflect the true me - though still find them a bit annoying, knowing that I should've been on T already by that time :/. So didn't look quite as good as I should have or could have!

After that things started going downhill for me... I gained weight and all... Practically stopped binding coz it just was so damn painful :/. Started giving up on transitioning - in practice at least. Became numb & depressed. Started mostly living inside my head. Still dressed in male clothes ofc... but started looking more & more like a female which I absolutely hated. Actually looking at those pics now made me cry. It's just painful to look at a person in that state... so unhappy :(. And I know in every pic I felt I was a guy but didn't look like that at all...! It was a really painful state to be in. That's why I really started feeling I really only exist inside my head. I really can't stand to look at them!!! In every pic I have a sort of defeated look. Plus the worst part is seeing the chest -cringe-.

And that state lasted until 2016 when I started to look like myself again! The first time I started drawing beard on and stuff - bam, I look like myself! And I was immediately like a different person!!! A very happy & confident person! Since then I've been able to see myself again. I still hate when my face looks annoyingly feminine at times. But at least I'm able to see the guy in them now. The contrast to the past photos is striking! I never stopped identifying as a guy - but the difference between that depressed female-looking person vs. this guy who's confident is huge. For the first time in years I think I look actually better than I used to look before 20! Feels like I got my life back. And now I enjoy looking at & taking pics of myself again,  ;).
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: The Flying Lemur on March 06, 2018, 08:11:15 AM
I guess that like you, I am reminded of the way I felt when the pictures were taken.  If they're happy memories, I'm okay, although it is weird to see me done up all girly.  It's the ones where I look acutely miserable that are hard to see. 
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 06, 2018, 10:25:56 AM
When I look and my "old" male pic of myself and compare it to what I look like now I am very happy that I made the transition... there were difficult times with family and friends and with my body accepting HRT but it has all worked out very well in my opinion.

My lasting question and lament to myself (and I am more than certain that most transitioners may ask themselves the same question:
    ..... "Why did I wait so long?"
]
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Barb99 on March 06, 2018, 12:25:54 PM
I don't want to see them, in fact I purged everything that pointed to my old self.
I do not want to be reminded nor do I want others to have that picture of me in there heads. Wish I could figure out how to get that picture out of the minds of my old friends. (Yes they are still friends but the view me differently than new friends do.)
I have a new life, leave the past behind!
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Kylo on March 06, 2018, 12:39:08 PM
I don't feel much of anything when I look at them. It's not an attack on who I am now to see them. It kind of makes me laugh to be honest. I mean here's this kid, that nobody knows anything about, nobody can see what's going on in the kid's mind behind the face. It just reminds me how much store we put in appearances and assumptions that can turn out to be wrong.

There's a picture of me somewhere about 8 or 9 holding a kitten and even I don't really recognize anything in myself at that age or earlier. It's like a picture of someone else. School photos seem like pictures of someone else. baby photos - well all babies look the same to me anyway. It could be anyone.

Photos from the 20s onwards and I can see the adult features of the face have come out and some of them are still there now. So that looks more like me. But it's hard to find any photos of me from that era, since I wasn't a taker of many selfies and avoided other people's cameras. I'm still not much into sticking my mug at a camera, but I've accepted my appearance a whole lot more.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: DawnOday on March 06, 2018, 12:45:54 PM
I especially hate looking at my wedding pictures. It was a lie. Not about me loving her because that was never a factor, but about keeping secrets. At the time I had no idea that it may have been pre determined. I just knew I was not particularly manly, nor particularly femme but I did know I could not control whatever it was that was bothering me. I've always had an idea that something went terribly wrong, The difference being, now I can talk about it. It is no longer a secret. I have been educated somewhat. And...the people around me give me support.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 06, 2018, 02:57:11 PM
I don't like having pictures taken period but I don't like looking at my pre transition pictures at all. I don't look like a guy really because I was very androgynous but before hrt I looked like a ruler with feet and my face wasn't as feminine. The only pre transition pictures of me that I haven't found and destroyed are the ones my dad has. He won't surrender them. I asked him why he wants them and he says because Im his child. It's a parent thing I guess.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Corax on March 06, 2018, 05:11:10 PM
I can't stand it because it makes me cringe and makes me angry of getting reminded of how much time of my life I had to waste in complete misery and isolation caged into such a gross body, so I don't look at them at all if I don't have to. I have deleted all of them and destroyed the printed ones. I am currently hunting everything from my past down and destroying it.
Unfortunately my parents won't throw those they have away even though I would like to see every last one burn but they have taken those pictures they had on the wall from pre-transition times off when I asked them to even though my dad had argued against it and wanted to keep them at first.

I also don't see myself when I look at old photos at all, I see something inherently wrong, I see misery, I see a lie and an act I had to play because my ID had made me get sorted into that category in society so I thought I had no other option because I didn't know about the condition and the option to transition. 

I would like to rewrite or eliminate the past if it was only possible! At least I don't want to have anything to do with anything from it anymore.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: JeannieLuv13 on March 06, 2018, 05:35:27 PM
I hate old pictures of me, can't stand to look at them, never have.  I have known since I was 5yo so I never felt like what I see in those pictures, or what I have seen in the mirror pre-hrt and electrolysis.  I was never a straight boy, I always felt like a girl who likes other girls.

If I could burn it all and wipe people's memories, I would.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: KathyLauren on March 06, 2018, 06:17:04 PM
I think this ties in with your "Do you regret not transitioning sooner?" thread.  Because I don't regret my past, pictures from then don't bother me.  There I was, muddling my way forward to where I am today.  Cool, I made it!

1954:
(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4798/38852433020_88fb8575fc.jpg)

1977:
(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4799/38852432950_458522f521.jpg)
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 06, 2018, 07:27:40 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 06, 2018, 06:17:04 PM
I think this ties in with your "Do you regret not transitioning sooner?" thread.  Because I don't regret my past, pictures from then don't bother me.  There I was, muddling my way forward to where I am today.  Cool, I made it!

1954:
(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4798/38852433020_88fb8575fc.jpg)

1977:
(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4799/38852432950_458522f521.jpg)

@ KathyLauren:  Great attitude, good memories and wonderful pictures.
Aspiringperson
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: natalie.ashlyne on March 06, 2018, 07:34:04 PM
I am fine when I look at my baby pictures up an till I was 9 ish  than I hate and can not stand looking and all of my pics from than on I have deleted and thrown out most of my male like. There is nothing I like about myself in them I have asked my work to not put in and to remove the ones they have on computer and in the photo albums they have.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: WolfNightV4X1 on March 07, 2018, 11:59:34 PM
Mainly indifferent, though around middle school I started hating how I looked cuz I had dumb long hair, stupid glasses, and braces. I was essentially an ugly nerd, I eventually got into contacts because of this. I looked better with age, high school I developed my style interest more instead of wearing whatever clothes given to me because I didn't care about appearance, really.

Anyways, baby pictures are alright, they might be a little upsetting because of gender roles. There's definitely childhood photos of me in dresses which I didn't like and eventually grew to hate, but I don't resent them as much because at the time I just ignored clothing styles and was just a kid who had to wear dresses. My mom took me to a photo shoot around sixteen which I had to wear fancy dresses for, at the time I would never have wanted to do that but I didn't want to bother arguing about it so I just did it anyways. It was the biggest mistake because those are the only photos I hated with a passion. I secretly only liked the picture where I had a white shirt with a graphic print and a black vest over it, my hand was holding the edge of the vest and I had a serious expression, I liked it and it was a fairly masculine look, but My mom went through and picked photos of me standing around in a gross feeling pretty dress with the smiles I had to force. My mom hung up those pictures on the walls. I was once so furious staring one dead eye to eye I punched it with my bare fist, it cracked and I got rid of it before it was noticed.

I can ignore some pictures, kind of accept it for what it is, and so on.

I never actually liked any pictures of me that much until around high school and college where I started taking my own pictures, where I began to develop how I wanted to dress more, and began to gravitate more to masculinity, until I eventually just appeared to myself as a boyish.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Jailyn on March 08, 2018, 03:10:00 AM
Wolf this a loaded question of yours this time, just saying. When I see my adult pics I see someone unhappy in life and searching for something anywhere but, not finding it. As a kid I was generally happy but, again somewhat lost cause I felt one way but, told I had to be another way. So I see my old pics and it's starting to get to that point that I don't recognize that person as me. Is that weird? I almost see him as another person separate. I say I don't recognize myself because of well the changes so far my face is different. I look like my mother more and before I saw my father more. I haven't really looked back much cause it makes me sad.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: krobinson103 on March 08, 2018, 10:17:23 AM
The ghost of the past can stay in the past thanks. I don't want to see those photos anymore.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 08, 2018, 02:55:17 PM
Quote from: krobinson103 on March 08, 2018, 10:17:23 AM
The ghost of the past can stay in the past thanks. I don't want to see those photos anymore.

@ krobinson103:   Actually I do not mind looking at my old pre-transistion pictures.   It is a good reminder of the hard work that it took to transition and it is a satisfying to look at how very far I have come with the dramatic changes in my body.
Now, if I were not self-employed and my co-workers had pictures of me previous to my transition... I would give them a new picture to replace it and politely ask them to not display the old photos.
Aspiringperson.   
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Bobbie LeAnn on March 08, 2018, 08:56:40 PM
Quote from: Aspiringperson on March 06, 2018, 10:25:56 AM
When I look and my "old" male pic of myself and compare it to what I look like now I am very happy that I made the transition... there were difficult times with family and friends and with my body accepting HRT but it has all worked out very well in my opinion.

My lasting question and lament to myself (and I am more than certain that most transitioners may ask themselves the same question:
    ..... "Why did I wait so long?"
]
(https://i.imgur.com/owgQHIK.jpg)

@Aspiringperson you remind me of Mary Ann Summers on Gilligan's Island. Such a clean and wholesome looking woman. I had a crush on here back in the day. There are quite a lot of the ladies on here that I think are beautiful.
I know I'll never look like that but who cares I'm happy. As far as my pictures of the (old me) they are just memories to remind me not to dwell on the past but to look to the future and embrace it with a happy heart. I'm native american and I was taught that scars are just proof that you lived and to me old pictures of me are like those scars.




Love
Bobbie LeAnn



Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 08, 2018, 09:04:39 PM
Quote from: Aspiringperson on March 06, 2018, 10:25:56 AM
When I look and my "old" male pic of myself and compare it to what I look like now I am very happy that I made the transition... there were difficult times with family and friends and with my body accepting HRT but it has all worked out very well in my opinion.

My lasting question and lament to myself (and I am more than certain that most transitioners may ask themselves the same question:
    ..... "Why did I wait so long?"
]
(https://i.imgur.com/owgQHIK.jpg)

Your before picture is very cute but you looked very feminine. If you had longer hair in that picture you would have looked like a young girl. Your current picture is really pretty and you are absolutely passable 100%.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Lady Sarah on March 08, 2018, 10:41:46 PM
The only photo I have of my dead self, is an old grainy polaroid picture. I can show it, and the only thing people really notice is that I didn't have boobs back then. The photo quality is so bad, that they can't tell anything else from it.

Sent from my NS-P10A7100 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Nicole70 on March 08, 2018, 11:16:36 PM
I always avoided having my photo taken, but the few photos I have, I struggle to recognise the person I see, apart from the fact that I was over 30kg heavier than I am now, I see someone who was unhappy. I'm probably projecting my feelings of my dead former identity, I don't like what I see.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Shambles on March 09, 2018, 02:10:31 AM
I dont have many at all but when i do see one i think well your smiling but thats someone in pain right there
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: November Fox on March 10, 2018, 11:03:19 PM
Earlier in my transition, I was fine with it.
But the more I changed physically (and mentally), the more it becomes a cringe-fest. Kind of like having your old name mentioned. Sometimes I still browse through them though. You can't erase history and I often forget what I used to look like, so I get curious.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Jenny94 on March 12, 2018, 12:04:58 AM
Pictures from my childhood - they're cute! They're fun. Cute fat blond kid in dungarees. Children don't have genders (at least, I didn't).

Pictures from slightly older - getting problematic. I didn't know I was dysphoric then, so I appreciate them for what they are. Still cute.

Pictures from 15-20 years old - hilarious, excruciating. Partly I'm horrified to admit that Jenny was once this ugly fat unshaven man (god knows how a 15 year old comes across as a man), but partly I'm proud of how far I've come, and partly, that guy is still me and we had some good times. So I suppose the photos throughout my life demonstrate the rare, unique human journey that is transition, and I now just need to get more photos of girl me out there! =D
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: warlockmaker on March 12, 2018, 12:28:56 AM
My life is the sum of my experiences and I cherish all of them. My male pictures of when I was at school, university, hight profile socialite, high powered investment banker, all of them bring back great memories of my prior life, a life I am  proud of. I have fun looking at my first pics and videos as a female and observe the great changes, after two plus years as a female, and how much I have changed in looks, fashion and physical movements today. I wonder how I will feel looking at these female pics in two years time.

Its amazing and wonderful to live 2 lives in one lifetime and all the pics and memories are dearly cherished and make me who I am.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Kylo on March 12, 2018, 10:51:49 AM
My dad's been sending me a lot of my baby pictures lately, some I've never seen, since we got back in contact. I don't feel bad looking at them. I'm more fascinated looking at him as a young man. He must have been 22 or 23 at the time but he was doing his best as a single dad for a while. I definitely look more like him than my mother.

It's weird too in sense these are pictures from the 70s and early 80s. These are pictures from before people got their hearts broken or went through the mill in one way or another. When I look at myself in those pictures, I was the blank slate there, just taking it all in. I didn't have the concept of gender at that point or even words to describe the images in my memory. For that reason none of them are unhappy memories. I hadn't learned what it was to feel much of anything at that time.

Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: sarah1972 on March 12, 2018, 11:12:27 AM
This is the best description on how I feel about my old pictures.

I do however notice that I now take a lot more selfies and other pictures than ever in my life. Maybe just feeling better about myself, makes it easier to look at a picture (the same applies for mirrors). I also use it to look for changes and how far I have come.


Quote from: warlockmaker on March 12, 2018, 12:28:56 AM
My life is the sum of my experiences and I cherish all of them. My male pictures of when I was at school, university, hight profile socialite, high powered investment banker, all of them bring back great memories of my prior life, a life I am  proud of. I have fun looking at my first pics and videos as a female and observe the great changes, after two plus years as a female, and how much I have changed in looks, fashion and physical movements today. I wonder how I will feel looking at these female pics in two years time.

Its amazing and wonderful to live 2 lives in one lifetime and all the pics and memories are dearly cherished and make me who I am.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 12, 2018, 12:11:34 PM
Quote from: sarah1972 on March 12, 2018, 11:12:27 AM
This is the best description on how I feel about my old pictures.

I do however notice that I now take a lot more selfies and other pictures than ever in my life. Maybe just feeling better about myself, makes it easier to look at a picture (the same applies for mirrors). I also use it to look for changes and how far I have come.

@ Sarah:   I also agree with the statements by YOU and also warlockmaker about old pictures.   Like it was stated:

QuoteQuote from: warlockmaker on Today at 12:28:56 am

    My life is the sum of my experiences and I cherish all of them. My male pictures of when I was at school, university, hight profile socialite, high powered investment banker, all of them bring back great memories of my prior life, a life I am  proud of. I have fun looking at my first pics and videos as a female and observe the great changes, after two plus years as a female, and how much I have changed in looks, fashion and physical movements today. I wonder how I will feel looking at these female pics in two years time.

    Its amazing and wonderful to live 2 lives in one lifetime and all the pics and memories are dearly cherished and make me who I am.

Sarah, I am not about to shy away from my old pictures, they were a big part of my past life and it is always joyful to see what I was and what I have become. Yes, "It is amazing and wonderful to live 2 lives in one lifetime"  ... and I am also taking more selfies and having my pictures taken... it is just amazing to say the least.
Danielle ... formerly Aspiringperson
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: I Am Jess on March 12, 2018, 04:16:22 PM
I don't mind the old pictures of me. Usually they are things that I did with my kids and it brings back good memories. It also reinforces that I made the right decision to transition. When I see pictures of me now I marvel at how much I have changed and grown as a woman. The differences are profound and it makes me proud to have gone through the changes I have. They are just moments in time that are captured and allow me to see the amazing journey that my life has been. They are just images of who I was at that particular point in time and they don't define who I am now anymore than my 3rd grade report card does.  Just historical notes of a bygone time.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 12, 2018, 04:24:12 PM
Quote from: I Am Jess on March 12, 2018, 04:16:22 PM
I don't mind the old pictures of me. Usually they are things that I did with my kids and it brings back good memories. It also reinforces that I made the right decision to transition. When I see pictures of me now I marvel at how much I have changed and grown as a woman. The differences are profound and it makes me proud to have gone through the changes I have. They are just moments in time that are captured and allow me to see the amazing journey that my life has been. They are just images of who I was at that particular point in time and they don't define who I am now anymore than my 3rd grade report card does.  Just historical notes of a bygone time.

Jess:    I AGREE completely with your above reply !!!!   That also is exactly is how I feel about this subject... and especially how we marvel at how much we have changed and grown as women ... about our amazing journey... I am certain that others on here feel the same way.
Danielle  ...  previously Aspiringperson
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Laurie K on March 12, 2018, 06:57:10 PM
I feel that it is someone else other than me..... I look very different
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Bobbie LeAnn on March 13, 2018, 07:34:58 AM
Quote from: sarah1972 on March 12, 2018, 11:12:27 AM
I do however notice that I now take a lot more selfies and other pictures than ever in my life. Maybe just feeling better about myself, makes it easier to look at a picture (the same applies for mirrors). I also use it to look for changes and how far I have come.


I had never thought about it but what you said made me think. Before I started HRT I never took pictures of myself, now after 15+ months on HRT my phone is full of selfies. You are absolutely right I feel better about myself and now love who I am.






Love
Bobbie LeAnn
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: SassyCassie on March 14, 2018, 05:59:21 AM
For a lot of folks, pictures of their former self are some of the most dysphoria-inducing things on the planet. I'll admit that it was the same way for me but only for a little while - about 45 years or so. I can attribute that as the prime reason I don't have many photos of myself. Of course, I didn't know it at the time. As far as I knew, it was just the typical aversion to picture-taking...and mirrors...and my own reflection in shiny surfaces.

These days, such pictures, what few actually exist, just fill me with a sense of joy at just how far I've come in such a relatively short time. Sure, I tend to dwell upon how things may have been if I had started this journey much sooner but I've come to terms with that.



(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/p72kh5bd1s6ur52/kittenwhisperer.jpg)In searching for one to include with this post, I ran across this one which had an entirely different effect on me. I started to cry, actually, when it hit me at just how un-feeling and indifferent he looks. He's completely detached from the moment and totally numb to the little bundle of joy curled up in refuge upon his chest - unaffected by how much trust and affection he's being shown by that kitten in the photo.

In spite of the tears, I feel like I need to post this and share the emotions I now feel which I was unable to back then because it's such a profound thing now.

That was 7 years ago. Today - right now, in fact, that same kitten - now a beautiful adult kitty, is sitting on the arm of the love seat right by my shoulder and glaring at me for disturbing her nap. Sorry, little girl. It took me a long time but I'm glad to have you and your brother as part of my life!
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Jin on March 15, 2018, 11:26:13 AM
Good, bad, or indifferent, they are part of history.
What was and what is are never the same.
Knowing where I came from helps me understand where I am now.
Title: Re: How do you feel when you see old pics of yourself?
Post by: Denise on March 15, 2018, 05:15:06 PM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 06, 2018, 10:25:56 AM
When I look and my "old" male pic of myself and compare it to what I look like now I am very happy that I made the transition... there were difficult times with family and friends and with my body accepting HRT but it has all worked out very well in my opinion.

My lasting question and lament to myself (and I am more than certain that most transitioners may ask themselves the same question:
    ..... "Why did I wait so long?"

I look at old pictures and I see a very sad person looking back.  It was actually a new friend of mine who noticed that most of my pictures have sad eyes.  I may be smiling, but you can tell.  It got worse over time.

I actually like looking at old pictures.  We are all a sum of our experiences.  EVERY "boy" experience has shaped me in some way.

As for the Why did I wait so long? I wasn't ready before.  I still had life in my way.  Once my social expectations were over it all came pouring out!  I'm glad I started when I did. 

I Agree with Jin - I am who I am because of who I was and I like who I am now.