Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Releca on April 30, 2021, 07:04:20 pm

Title: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Releca on April 30, 2021, 07:04:20 pm
So I’ve run into this issue a few times when attempting to acclimate. All the therapists tell me that to begin HRT I need to dress and act female even in public. Well I’ve done my hair and makeup and even wearing female clothes with a smooth face but still keep getting referee to as sir. Without going out and buying an expensive breast form or attempting to stuff a bra is there any suggestions to get past this issue to make the therapist happy enough to let me have my own set?
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Gertrude on April 30, 2021, 08:35:47 pm
So I’ve run into this issue a few times when attempting to acclimate. All the therapists tell me that to begin HRT I need to dress and act female even in public. Well I’ve done my hair and makeup and even wearing female clothes with a smooth face but still keep getting referee to as sir. Without going out and buying an expensive breast form or attempting to stuff a bra is there any suggestions to get past this issue to make the therapist happy enough to let me have my own set?

That doesn't sound like WPATH guidelines. That said, my therapist said the same. I can just go to a doctor and do informed consent.
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Toni1 on April 30, 2021, 09:00:33 pm
Hi Releca,
I think your therapists are wise. Beginning HRT is a very serious move however you saying you "need to dress and act female" is troubling to me along with your ending saying "make the therapist happy enough to let me have my own set".
It sounds to me like there are many issues you need to work through. I'm not sure what you are acclimating to . Transition is the realization and discovery of your gender and if you make the choice to affirm yourself you move toward your gender in expression. It is no "act" nor is it simply about having your "own set". I encourage you to share this post and your difficulties honestly with your therapist.
Please take my response as great caring for you.
Peace
Toni
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: RandiL on April 30, 2021, 10:15:12 pm
It's sort of a chicken and egg thing. Which comes first, presenting to the world as female or starting HRT? I believe WPATH guidelines no longer require you to have a period of what they used to call "real life experience" before you begin HRT. As Gertrude said, you should be able to find a doctor who will let you do informed consent.

That said, you do want to be very certain that this is right for you. Therapy can help, but ultimately only you know the truth.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Allie Jayne on May 01, 2021, 03:56:35 am
Releca, serving a period of dressing as your preferred gender is hardly ever done, but I know countries like Germany do this. It is generally seen as dangerous to trans people as it exposes them before they have the advantage of changes from HRT. If you have to do it for any length of time, do anything you can to try to pass. This is very individual, but please see it as a safety issue!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: pamelatransuk on May 01, 2021, 07:21:22 am
Hello Releca

I am sorry you have had one or more therapists insisting on you going public before HRT. I believe they are mistaken and they shouldn't use the term "act female" anyway and therefore I suggest it a Gender Therapist you need instead of just a general therapist.

You get your own set after quite some time on HRT and going public should come naturally to you when the time is right for you.

Wishing you resolution and happiness.

Hugs

Pamela xx
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Releca on May 01, 2021, 04:15:39 pm
@Gertrude Thank you for letting me know. I didn't know about these guidelines.

@Toni1 I agree that I have quite a few issues still to work through in my life like how to be accepted as female and what if my beard starts growing in the middle of the day when I forgot a razor at home to name a few. That said I've seen a few different therapist and they all say basically the same thing of I will be unable to begin transitioning until I can prove that I am 100% female in all aspects of my life because its more than just a desire. Yet even with doing my mails and makeup at work and wearing female clothes they still say that I am not acting female enough to begin the change. This is the part that confuses me the most because I am not sure what else makes a woman vs being a man. This isn't something that I chose to do over night but something that I've spent years thinking about before I ever made that first appointment.


@pamelatransuk the saddest part of all of this is they have all been gender therapist specializing in transgender clientele. The worst one I went to even went as far as to tell me I needed to pray about it and God would show me the truth of my ways.
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Toni1 on May 01, 2021, 09:38:52 pm
Hi Relica,
How you explain your situation now makes sense on why you are so frustrated. Your first post sounded not real thoughtful to me but I see now it was more a response to extreme frustration. With that said I also would agree to find a doctor who works with transgender people to pursue hrt. Perhaps that would relieve some of your anxieties and frustrations. I wonder if trying to follow your therapists dictates if you are just trying too hard. Taking transition more slowly allows you to step by step see what works and what doesn't. At least that's what I found. For me I started by aiming for just an androgynous look and then it took off from there.

Again with care for you,
Toni
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Rachel on May 02, 2021, 08:07:26 am
Hi,

I recommend finding different therapists. I used informed consent where I go for primary care but they see thousands of trans as patients.

Clothing, nails, hair and makeup vary in location in the world.  It is a social constraint. Where I work it is 70% female and makeup is not worn, except some wear eye makeup. It is due to wearing a mask at work. When I go to the gym  woman do not have on makeup, again a mask is worn.

At work I wear flats, slacks and a top. My hair is long. I thought about now starting to wear eye makeup again. At the gym I wear fitted spandex standard female wear. Same as all the other woman. At home jeans, jean shorts or colored shorts, a top and if cold out a coat or jacket. Yes all are female and fitted. Sometimes I wear my gym clothing to a shop after a workout.

I got gendered sir at a deli two weeks ago. All the woman could see was my height, hair and eyes ( I had a mask on in order to be in the store). I have learned that I am who I am and if someone genders me incorrectly it is a mistake. Hence the thought of wearing eye makeup.

 I stopped getting my nails done when covid hit. I was thinking about getting back to the nail shop.  I started with powder dip when I decided to transition. You have it for 5 or so weeks and go back and get it redone. When you do that you have the nails and it is a statement about who you are.

Expressing is difficult. I used the rule of one. I changed one thing a week. It added up. I made a list and kept to it.

Be yourself, try new things, figure out what you want to do then do it.

Expressing is one thing. Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or cross hormone therapy (CHT) is another thing and something I needed. I had very bad dysphoria. HRT consisted of a testosterone blocker (spironolactone) and estrogen in the form of pills,then later needle and now pills and needle. Spiro causes you to pea and you need to take salt and a lot of water. HRT helped.

I started HRT then started to express. Expressing for me was very difficult. I looked male and got looks and misgendered. I wore clothing and makeup and decided to get extensive FFS and GCS. I thought in my hotel room the night before FFS. Is this really what you want. I thought about it over and over. I did a lot of walking in Boston (where I had FFS). I thought long and hard. This is the point of no return. Every time I came to the same conclusion. I need this surgery to better represent who I am.

I had FFS, expressed for 364 days when I had GCS.  When I had GCS I had no question in my mind I needed it. I am a girl. I always was a girl and I dress as per the customary attire where I live.

Nothing about sex was mentioned. Sexuality is not gender.

Rachel
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Releca on May 05, 2021, 11:24:18 am

Expressing is difficult. I used the rule of one. I changed one thing a week. It added up. I made a list and kept to it.

Be yourself, try new things, figure out what you want to do then do it.


I like this idea for making the transition slowly. I've already moved to wearing makeup and polish on a regular basis and I've gotten into shaving more often that I have been; Slacked off a a bit with wearing a mask 24/7. I'm looking into changing my clothing to be more feminine on a regular basis vs just when I'm wanting to go out to parties or events. This last part is the slower one since I also worry about job security with doing so to quick. I know the EEOC law provides protections for that but I've also seen less qualified canadines get positions because they look more cis.

I've been trying to push this back to once per month. I've been also looking into the idea of a breast form that I can change the cups as needed to show slow growth until I can begin HRT instead of stuffing socks in bras with very little success, so if you know of any place that has something like that I'd appreciate any advice I can get. 
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Maid Marion on May 05, 2021, 03:36:58 pm
You may find it more practical to wear a padded bra.  There isn't any issue with the forms coming loose.

Marion
Title: Re: Getting identified wrong
Post by: Angelaney on May 06, 2021, 03:17:32 am

I get identified in all sorts of ways, I've stopped caring.

There are a few people who are deliberately offensive, but I think that most people just panic, i've done it myself when i've encountered very tall women, when we see something that is unusual to us we just don't know how to react.
When still presenting as male with long hair, I was mis-gendered both accidentally and offensively, accidentally by shop assistants, deliberately at my local pool hall, or in bars, where guys would tell me I was in the wrong toilet and then want to start a fight, when I moved to a more gender neutral appearance I found it got easier, because how do you offend someone who doesn't care what gender you address them as?