Hi,
I did not know until a few day before that this exists, but I met two extraordinary genderqueer people, one MTX, one probably FTX though I don't know for sure. Well these people took hormones to feel more at ease in their skin or something like that (I didn'ask them for their reasons). There aim is to get to the middle between maler and female. They were both great personalities. Somehow, they opened my mind. (Remember, I'm somewhere in the grey zone between FTM and FTX).
Well are there trans people of the MTX/FTX kind on Susans.org?
Well, I identify as female, but I also am gender-queer and androgynous sometimes. I go out wearing male clothes sometimes, and other times I don't. In the past, I've actually did a drag-king show (rare for a mtf to do a drag-king show, but I did). Other times I've gone out looking very pretty and girly.
In the end, I just be myself and I don't care what others think. I wear what I wanna wear and I'm comfortable enough with myself that I'll wear a boy metal t-shirt in public without worry if someone will spot me as trans. *shrugs* Usually, I'm just seen as a lesbian, although.
The only surgery I've had was SRS, and I'm happy that I did and I'm much more comfortable with myself with the surgery. :)
For me, it's just about being me -- I couldn't care less what people "think" I should be or what image of a woman I should be. I'm my own person and my own woman in my own place in the world. :)
I'm also not afraid of pants and short hair. LOL I don't wear skirts or dresses often. I wear t-shirts or tank-tops and jeans, usually. LOL
I used to have long hair for a long time, but then I shaved it a couple months before having my SRS -- well, shaved it all except for the bangs. The bangs then were died purple. Believe it or not, I had people who threatened to tell my doctors that I didn't deserve to be female 'cause I shaved my head and did a drag-king show. There was an uproar in the local trans community and even online... how dare I shave half my head and then paint on a mustache and go on stage. *shock* But, hey, why not? Why can't I do what every other woman can do? Why do I have to fit into an ideal? Am I transitioning for them or for myself? Transition is all about you and being you, how ever you are -- just be you. ;)
I'm sure half the world already see us as MTX and FTX unfortunately. I'd say it really is a state of mind as much a reflection of our physical selves. For so long I asked the question "am I female?!". with no real answer then started asking the question "am I male?". With a more defined answer of well according to the general public/friends/work colleagues.. no not really. At least not as much as they would like me to be. I don't really know what it fundamentally means to be male or female. People/friends have joked "oh so now you know what it's like to be male AND female".. and the reply goes "well..... actually I'm not sure if what I was pre-HRT was really technically male, and I don't really know just how female I am going to become...it really is a tough question that one!". With a usual mention of "I know what testosterone feels like.... and I know what estrogen feels like". Which usually answers the question for most.
I'd say for me and maybe others the damage of testosterone will always follow us (MTFs) around and in a way mark us in the public eye as something less that their definition of "female" so that is something that plays on my mind a lot. I know I'll never be at the far end of feminine on the gender spectrum... I wish I was but I'd have to have been extremely lucky or simply born female to achieve that.
I was actually just snoozing thinking about this. There will be a point in transition where I would of done everything that I can do to present and BE myself in my new body and I will have to accept where ever it may be between male and female. If it's closer to the middle then so be it.. it's still better than being in the male camp that was simply not me.
I do like the idea of confusing people and having them not sure whether to call me sir or ma'am, even though it's now 99.9% ma'am I'm sure I still get the hairy eyeball from time to time. It feels safe being androgynous.... at least in my experience of it so far. Though if you ask my mum I'm no longer in androgynous status :(
I do want to be known as female though... even if it's only just, like gothique said the middle of the spectrum/lesbian status. I present more tomboyish now and that is just me.. I don't feel comfortable in dresses and heels etc just like a natality born female that is closer to the middle of the gender spectrum doesn't feel comfortable wearing anything like that.
I could see how the MTX/FTX thing could be a problem in the public eye.... it would be like .."ha we told you you can't be another other that your born sex and the best you can achieve is an X..ha!".
What defines sex?! Genitals? secondary sexual characteristics? physiological make up? self identity? An analysis from a hack doctor? An analysis from the public eye? the tone of ones voice? a final thought by jerry springer? a piece of paper? something else>? *shrugs*.
I have the lyrics of a song in my head right now "I'm me...nothing I can do". Out of context but still...