Hi, I'm very new to these forums so please forgive me. I'm so thankful this exists, because without it I'd be lost...well even more lost than I already am. I just very recently (3 days ago) came to I guess an "official" realization that I could very well possibly be a man in the wrong body. It's always flooded my mind, but I never knew it was possible..and when I did know I did not let myself explore it. This is all very confusing, and I've never articulated this in a public platform..even though this is anonymous. So yeah, I'll start from the beginning.
I have never in my life been feminine. I refused to wear dresses before I could even read, I would not let my mom touch my hair (let alone take a curling iron to it), I've worn only boys/mens clothes since I was 7 after my parents finally gave up on dressing me. I don't even remember being embarrassed to walk towards the isle, it was so matter of fact that it was where I belonged. (wish I still had that attitude lol), all my friends growing up were boys, I felt uncomfortable around feminine girls, especially groups. I never went into public restrooms, because the womens room didn't feel right(still doesn't), I genuinely believed I would grow up to be a man when I was a kid. There are so many more signs, but I'm sure you know them all.
I came out as lesbian when I was 16, and although I am certain that I am attracted to women. It felt like a lie, and I'm still not open about it because I had this really eerie feeling that I wasn't telling the truth. And I hate lying. But at the same time when I was a kid, I was referred to as he by mistake a lot, even by teachers. I don't remember being very happy about that, but I think it was more due to embarrassment knowing all my peers knew my biological sex. I'm not sure.
I never really experienced dysphoria in the sense of looking at my body in the mirror and being sickened by it, i wasn't content with it but it's something I always just lived with. But now I'm starting to think I am experiencing it, but perhaps not directly, or more subconsciously? I have terrible anxiety, I hate being seen in public and avoid it at all costs, especially here recently as I have been sexually harassed a couple of times which has never happened to me before because I always looked like a guy. I could always tune out "she", luckily I have a gender neutral name (which still I hated being called when I was a kid because it was always associated with someone I didn't want to be, but I grew into it) so I never experienced intense dysphoria from that, and I've generally been treated equal among male peers, so when these instances of sexual harassment occurred it was a painful reminder of my anatomy. I was more hurt by that reminder than anything.
I've ignored this for so long, and just told myself I'm an androgynous lesbian. I really, really wish that were true. I wish I could sit comfortably in that label, but every time I imagine myself being born male I truly feel like my life would be so much more weightless than it is now. I can't bring myself to do simple activities, because it seems pointless in this body. It's not mine.
But, I have doubts about transitioning. My family aren't biased people, I know they wouldn't kick me out but I also don't know if they would validate it, which I think would be even more confusing to me. I'm scared to rely on T for the rest of my life, I'm scared of botched up medical procedures, I'm afraid to take hormones and make things worst if I don't pass, yet have irreversible changes and stuck in gender limbo. In my mind right now, it's like a pick your own poison scenario. I don't want to feel that way about it, but life as a trans person seems incredibly hard. I'm still so young, and naive to think that I'd be happy or content as a female if I try harder, if I work through it. Last year, I finally got to the point of being able to picture myself as a female, an incredibly androgynous one, but still. I know I would be happier living as a male, but I think it's been easier telling myself I'm a lesbian because it seems to be widely accepted and even celebrated today. I just don't know what to think, I don't want to make a mistake. I can't afford therapy right now, and I'm not at all comfortable coming forward with this, even to a local support group. It's still new to me though, yet very familiar. I don't know what to do. I know this is kind of written hurriedly. I've exited out of this page three times because I thought I heard a car pull up lol
Hi Frank, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. It certainly is therapeutic to write everything down, huh? I'm genderfluid, I guess that's somewhere near gender limbo. I'll have to check the map! :laugh: It's not as bad as you think. :) See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on April 19, 2017, 05:54:42 PM
Hi Frank, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. It certainly is therapeutic to write everything down, huh? I'm genderfluid, I guess that's somewhere near gender limbo. I'll have to check the map! :laugh: It's not as bad as you think. :) See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi, Devlyn! It certainly is, I didn't even think about what I wrote and I'm internally rolling my eyes at myself for the "gender limbo" comment. There's a lot I'm trying to wrap my mind around, but it feels so liberating to be on here and to see this whole new (to me) side of gender identity. With all the confusion and emotions I'm trying to process right now, I already feel less alone.
Finding out you're not alone is our #1 selling point. :)
Glad you found us!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Frank :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M
Hi and Welcome!
Well I'm a guy who has had a lot of the same questions. I ID'd as Bi-gendered or GenderQueer for 16 years. The thing is I've realized that is was my fear of transitioning that was keeping me from accepting myself.
You could be somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum. Also being trans doesn't automatically mean you have to come out or medically transition.
I am just starting to move closer to coming out and seeking medical options. But I am still not totally there yet.
All the best.
Pao
I dont think you have to fear about not passing after a hormone therapy. This way arround it will work for everyone, with beard and deep voice noone would suggest. Even when you are short its not that bad i know some pretty small men :D