Ok, I have a problem... I have a group of family members that quite possibly are transphobic, but I don't know if they are or not. I want to tell them about myself, because I don't want to lose the relationship I have with them, but I don't know how to broach the subject at all without giving it away completely. My therapist says just don't tell them at all (why open yourself up to being attacked), but again I don't want to just completely disappear from their lives, which is what that would ultimately entail, I think. My mind keeps flipping back and forth as to what to do and how to do it.... Any thoughts?
My thoughts are that if they do not like you for being you then they really aren't there. You are you right. Don't get me wrong I lost my family and I certainly understand.
That's the problem though, I don't know how they feel about transsexuals at all, I've never figured out how to start the topic without giving myself away.
I found a topic in the news that was transgender related.
During the last US election cycle there was a transgender woman that was elected over a transphobic incumbent. I mentioned that to my mother, who I thought would agree that it was good. She said that was just wrong. Now I know she would never accept me. She is 89, I love her, but she will never know how happy I am.
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
How 'out' are you in general? It sounds like it would be prudent to leave those particular family members to be among the last you come out to. If you are already out to almost everyone, then it is time to take the bull by the horns.
You say that if you don't tell them, you would lose those relationships. If you do tell them and they turn out to be transphobic, isn't the outcome the same? Granted there may be some additional grief at the time, but the end result will be the same. So I don't see that there is a big down side to telling them. On the plus side, they may turn out to be accepting or even supportive.
In general, I'm out to my mother and several of my "friends" all of whom dropped me but my mother. The only other people I NEED to tell are my employers. These are the last of my family that I WANT to tell. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is some way of finding out how they feel about it without outing myself doing it.
Hi Sarah,
Most people have no idea about transsexuals at all. The only way most people understand it is to meet actual transgender/transsexuals.
Fundamentalist religion can be difficult as well. I dealt with this with family members and they were initially open minded. Eventually though Gods perceived message made having a misaligned gender a sin.
I haven't lost anyone and we still all talk - there is hope.
Matter of fact discussion and just telling it like it is is the best anyone can do.
I wish you peace and success with the family.
Hugs, Kirsten[emoji1652]
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on September 16, 2018, 05:41:57 PM
Fundamentalist religion can be difficult as well.
This is the essential issue with this part of my family as well...
Quote from: KathyLauren on September 16, 2018, 05:22:40 PM
How 'out' are you in general? It sounds like it would be prudent to leave those particular family members to be among the last you come out to. If you are already out to almost everyone, then it is time to take the bull by the horns.
You say that if you don't tell them, you would lose those relationships. If you do tell them and they turn out to be transphobic, isn't the outcome the same? Granted there may be some additional grief at the time, but the end result will be the same. So I don't see that there is a big down side to telling them. On the plus side, they may turn out to be accepting or even supportive.
You're right of course, I should at least give them the chance to be supportive before assuming they'll be transphobic.
There are so many random factors in how family and others we know really well will respond. Some people form opinions based on years of negative portrayals of what it means to be transgender, but all that can be swept aside when some consider us as individuals. And there is this thing called love that can override so much.
When I did this last summer my predictions were completely wrong. My biggest hurdle was coming out to my parents (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.0.html)and I didn't think it was possible for them to accept any of this.
I'm now convinced the only way to really know how someone will respond is to just do it. Everyone is different, but what I found works best is think about challenges the other person has faced. Start the conversation by bringing that up - bring up something they have faced and overcome and turned into a strength.
Hi Sarah
IMHO I would suggest be prepared for anything...when I came out to my parents I was met initially with Stoney silence apart from the first perfunctory "How brave are you"...Even though for me it did not work out so well I have learned that you cannot prejudge how people will react...they will surprise you which it sounds like you have already found out....if they are transphobic they will be that way whether you come out or not...if you do come out there is the possibility nit may be the catalyst for them to change, it may not happen immediately but it could happen.
If you don't have to tell them then I wouldn't...if you do then its a bit like ripping a Band-Aid off in the sense its best done all at once and once you start don't stop.
Take care
liz
Quote from: LizK on September 19, 2018, 06:07:40 AM
Hi Sarah
IMHO I would suggest be prepared for anything...when I came out to my parents I was met initially with Stoney silence apart from the first perfunctory "How brave are you"...Even though for me it did not work out so well I have learned that you cannot prejudge how people will react...they will surprise you which it sounds like you have already found out....if they are transphobic they will be that way whether you come out or not...if you do come out there is the possibility nit may be the catalyst for them to change, it may not happen immediately but it could happen.
If you don't have to tell them then I wouldn't...if you do then its a bit like ripping a Band-Aid off in the sense its best done all at once and once you start don't stop.
Take care
liz
Ok, a bit more of the backstory with all of this, first off, in short, no I don't have to tell them anything, I can just disappear from their lives. A couple decades ago my mother lent them money to buy their house and it was never paid back, my mother is rather... annoyed by this. Several years ago... right about the time I came off E the first time, I went down there to try to salvage the relationship between them and my little nodule of the family... it hasn't really had much effect. I'm wondering if it's really worth the effort to keep trying especially as my mother says, "they really don't seem like they could care less"
Quote from: Sarah1979 on September 19, 2018, 03:09:53 PM
Ok, a bit more of the backstory with all of this, first off, in short, no I don't have to tell them anything, I can just disappear from their lives. A couple decades ago my mother lent them money to buy their house and it was never paid back, my mother is rather... annoyed by this. Several years ago... right about the time I came off E the first time, I went down there to try to salvage the relationship between them and my little nodule of the family... it hasn't really had much effect. I'm wondering if it's really worth the effort to keep trying especially as my mother says, "they really don't seem like they could care less"
Hi Sarah
It doesn't sound like disappearing from their lives is something you really want...Money is always a terrible catalyst for family issues that always seem to end badly. I am now at the stage with members of my family that I don't care anymore and I will never have anything resembling a normal relationship with any of them....but that is their doing and the wellbeing of those around me that support me is a far greater priority.
Sounds like you have already put in a fair amount of work on this trying to reconcile the two families with no real result...is it time to cut you losses and spend you energy on those that love and support you?
Take care
Liz
No, I don't want to disappear, I love my cousins. But at the same time, I don't want to get in a fight with them about God's will vs. my dysphoria. My cousin Jason, he's sort of a wild card, he might be ok with it, he's very laid back, and is also the one that I truly want to retain a relationship with. But my uncle... he's the one I'm virtually certain will not react well, and he's also the one that will not let it go once he's gotten latched onto it.
Just before I came out my nephew said he could spot a transgender person (my words) from a mile away. To which I replied. "Oh, really".
Quote from: DawnOday on September 19, 2018, 04:44:28 PM
Just before I came out my nephew said he could spot a transgender person (my words) from a mile away. To which I replied. "Oh, really".
LOL, I keep having thoughts of some kind of conversation like that starting...
Quote from: Sarah1979 on September 19, 2018, 04:37:16 PM
No, I don't want to disappear, I love my cousins. But at the same time, I don't want to get in a fight with them about God's will vs. my dysphoria. My cousin Jason, he's sort of a wild card, he might be ok with it, he's very laid back, and is also the one that I truly want to retain a relationship with. But my uncle... he's the one I'm virtually certain will not react well, and he's also the one that will not let it go once he's gotten latched onto it.
If at all possible, I say try to find a moment alone with Jason and tell him first.
Quote from: Daisy Jane on September 20, 2018, 12:37:14 PM
If at all possible, I say try to find a moment alone with Jason and tell him first.
That was my thought too, I'm just so nervous, this is my first set of people that have like a good chance of being transphobic.
At some point you need to be you and your happiness HAS to come first. Obviously you know this is not an easy descision. Be careful your wildcard could also run to the rest of your family. I wish all famalies would just be supportive. Is there any chance you are over reading this?
I think you also need to make sure you are comfortable staying around them if they are not supportive and maybe have a back up plan just in case it does not go good. I lost may family, IU came oiut in the 80s and was treated to 90 days of conversoin therapy..... LoL
I'm pretty sure he will tell the rest of the family one way or the other. They'd be concerned for my soul, but honestly, after over 25 years of prayer about this, I think me and God are just fine. My backup plan is simply to disappear... I've no intentions of being kidnapped and sent to some place where they try to torture me.
Wish me luck everyone, I'm leaving in the morning to see my family and cousin tomorrow. I've decided to tell my cousin Jason, and have already told him there's something serious I'm going to tell him.
Best wishes Sarah!! You'll feel better after you do this.
Quote from: Sarah1979 on September 27, 2018, 08:50:01 PM
Wish me luck everyone, I'm leaving in the morning to see my family and cousin tomorrow. I've decided to tell my cousin Jason, and have already told him there's something serious I'm going to tell him.
@Sarah1979 Dear Sarah:Be brave and get from under your burden of hiding your secret. Some will not accept you but you will be surprised by how many do accept you and life will go on. Coming out is such a relief, it will be like a big heavy weight is lifted off of your shoulders.... then you can start freely living your life.
I am wishing you well with your coming out announcements....
When all the dust settles please update all of us....
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle
Good Luck Sarah. I hope all goes well.
Hugs,
Laurie
Lol, my cousin Jason's reaction? He nods, then starts asking questions. I don't even think he blinked funny.
Don't you love it when it goes smoothly? Good on you, and kudos to your kuz.
Absolutely :)
Well, after the race was over, I started getting more of what I was expecting... "how do you know your feelings are real" "I've seen multiple studies about people regretting doing what you're talking about" but he keeps saying he's not trying to preach at me so I guess we'll see how this goes long term.
Then the conversation moved on to "But sex and gender are the same thing and are determined by your chromosomes..." and my personal favorite, after I tried to describe to him how much HRT helped my state of mind, "well I might like to go to Chik-Fil-A, and it might taste good, but what is it doing to my body" In the back of my mind, I said, did you really just compare my gender dysphoria to the desire for a chicken sandwich? I think my relationship with that side of my family is over. I tried.
Aaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh!
My condolences.
I should really learn to listen to my mother, she has a friend that she calls sister. She has a very diverse family, but no one is trans, my mom says I can break new ground... maybe I can have a family beyond my mother after all... I would like that.
Quote from: KathyLauren on September 29, 2018, 07:49:07 PM
Aaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh!
My condolences.
It's ok, you were right that I should try at least. Now I know for sure instead of wondering.
@Alaskan Danielle
You were right, I do feel better about not keeping the secret anymore, even with the result.
Quote from: Sarah1979 on September 29, 2018, 09:25:01 PM
@Alaskan Danielle
You were right, I do feel better about not keeping the secret anymore, even with the result.
@Sarah1979 Dear Sarah....
Thank you for your update.... I am so sorry that the end result is not what you had wished for, but don't give up, be persistent and keep trying.....
I have friends that had rejected me over and over, and as I made an effort to keep the dialog open and especially when I went full-time and presented as a woman passing 100% of the time, over time they finally came around....
.... never give up, never surrender !!!!
As you did find out however, that the fact that you are not keeping your "secret" any longer, you do indeed feel better, and feel better about yourself without that big emotional weight on your shoulders.
Hugs and wishing you well as you continue your journey...
Danielle
He told me a story about a coworker that he had at the company he works for many years ago... There was apparently a transwoman that shared an office with him who transitioned while at this company. According to Jason, she... or rather he... considering that he still, to this day, misgenders and deadnames her every time he mentions her, was probably mentally ill because "things got worse for her (him, according to Jason) during the transition" and that "*insert deadname here* left the company for *unknown* reasons". In the back of my head, I'm thinking "I think I know why she left... she was probably suffering antitrans discrimination at the company, perhaps even chiefly from my cousin whom she was sharing an office with. I just hope, wherever she is, that my cousin didn't hurt her too badly.