So you're probably very used to this type of threads...I'm Charlie Nicki, I purposely chose a name that isn't a 100% male or a 100% female cuz it fits my confusion and how I feel about myself. Please bare with me (this might be long) and let me know if your experience is similar to mine, I could honestly use someone who is going through the exact thing I'm going through.
I'm biologically male, I'm 28 and I've been living as a gay man my entire life. When I was 20 I started feeling curious about androgynous and transgender people, Youtube was my gateway to get to know trans people from all over the world who were beautiful and brave enough to come out publicly. Back then it didn't really hit me that deep down my admiration came from a place where I wanted to do the same. I remember since I was very little I've always had a "parallel" life in my mind in which I was a girl, and basically always imagined myself going through everyday situations as a girl. Always fantasized about what would happen if I had gone through whatever situation I did in my real life (like a party or meeting new people or whatever) as a girl and always felt happy when these thoughts were in my mind. Back then I thought it was normal for any gay guy to be like this, and to like feminine things...I thought it was all part of my sexual orientation.
It wasn't until later when I discovered all these people in social media, that I realized there was something more in me, like a desire to be the other gender. I tip-toed around it and cross-dressed a couple of times in Halloween, it felt very liberating and I felt at peace. It was like I was finally able to be myself, to be as feminine as I wanted to without feeling bad about, without feeling repressed.
The thoughts about being a girl got stronger and stronger to the point where I felt it was exhausting for me to be thinking about that all the time, so exhausting and felt like a constant conflict in my mind between what I wanted and what I "had" to do. It got so unbearable for me that I started going to therapy at 25 years old. The therapist was a woman who had a lot of experience dealing with transgender people, I went there for around 4 months and honestly I don't think she helped much, I didn't really feel much chemistry between the 2 of us, I sort of felt judged by her. She didn't really do anything wrong, but I was hoping to get someone to guide and really tell me "you're not crazy, this is real" but it never happened, I kept feeling confused.
Back then I came out as trans with a few people including my mom, my boyfriend at the time and a close friend. My mom tried to be supportive but later told me it was something too difficult for her to handle (she's a great mom, she was just being honest), my boyfriend at the time basically told me the same, and said he didn't want to be with a girl (which I expected of course, he's gay, but still was hard to hear it). I think at the time I wasn't ready to handle people's rejection and both their reactions really put everything in perspective for me...Is this something I really want to do? Is this something I actually need? The answer was no, so I basically grabbed my gender confusion, put it in a box and buried it in the sand. I decided I wasn't going to do anything about it and was just going to forget it and live a "normal" life as a man. I tried of course, and I keep trying but DUH I'm here now which means that, of course, those feelings and thoughts never went away, they just hid for a while. But they're with me, they're part of me, always.
Nowadays I still think about being a woman every single minute of the day, if I hear a song I dream about how I would dance to it if I was a girl, if I meet a person, I fantasize about how I would interact if I was a girl. The feelings. Never. Go. Away. The weirdest part, and this is one of the things I would love to know if anyone goes through as well,is that it seems like as the day goes by, the gender confusion/dysphoria or whatever you want to call it intensifies more and more, to the point where last night, for example, I was at the gym lifting weights and completely demotivated thinking "why the heck am I doing this? I don't want to be muscular. I'm already a bit muscular and it really hasn't made any difference in how I feel about myself, if I gain more muscle and look more manly it'll become harder to transition" I felt like crap! And thinking about transitioning was the only thing that made me happy and made me feel at peace. But then...I go to bed and when I wake up the next morning is almost like my mind "reboots" itself and I start thinking "are you insane? Why were you thinking those things last night? That is never going to happen, you're not transgender and you're never transitioning, you're not losing all you have now, get a grip!" this is the cycle my mind goes through every freaking day. A never ending cycle so it's like ok am I or am I not transgender? am I or am I not doing this? A part of me hopes I get the guts to transition at some point and just be happy but then there's the huge "you must have a normal life" part of me that tries to ground me to reality. It's like my dreams versus reality.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable or depressed...But I'm honestly not living at a 100%. I feel it everyday, I don't care about things, I don't care enough about me, my career, I'm completely apathetic about life and just letting things happen the way life wants them to happen. I feel like I'm holding myself back and deep down I know it's because of this. I will never be able to be truly a 100% happy and satisfied with myself if I don't fix this. But I don't know how to fix it, I don't know what I am or what to do. Thinking about transitioning or about being a girl or living as a girl takes me to my safe place where I feel happy and free...but then the real me steps by and tells the other me to knock it off. I'm just tired of it.
Hi Charlie,
Welcome and thanks for opening up with such honesty. The thought of transitioning is kind of hard for the mind to wrap around at first. Trans people generally are compelled to become their true self. It sounds like this is what you are experiencing. Is it any surprise that part of your status quo mind would fight the thought of changing everything about how you fit in the world? Of course part of you will urge you to stay put. Everything you are saying is telling me you want something else though. Transgender feelings don't usually go away. (Never heard anyone on here claim that.) You can pretend they will go away until they return. Maybe you need more information to find your path. The therapist sounded like a bad fit. Why not try someone else. Also, do some experimentation. Real life experience beats theory any day. There are many possible paths. Something is telling you to try to move forward. I would listen to it and find your path. Take it from me. I ignored what I needed for so long. It is sad to think I should have listened to the true me, but instead, for decades, I lived life the way I was 'supposed to.' I am Monica. Hope to see you around the boards. ;)
Hi, Charlie!
Welcome to the forum! As you know, I'm also new here, but I've been reading your post and I feel so identified with some of your experiences. I had a time when I only wanted to forget this silly ideas of mine (I told it to the wrong person, I received no support and only angry and disgust faces), but it never went away and always stayed with me since I started to question my gender.
I especially feel you on the part of "mind rebooting", although now it's happening less, every morning my own mind denies everything I think about this during the rest of the day, and this is one of the things which are confusing me more right now. I'm definitely uncomfortable being read as a man, and I want to change that, however, I'm not sure about the way I'm taking due to these thoughts in the morning and social pressure to meet the stereotype that society has prepared for you.
If this helps, in the past months I got involved with my nearest LGBTQ+ association (and also started to follow this website) and with its trans and queer sections. For me, it is being a really nice experience and it has helped me to open my mind, to avoid the stages of you are being silly, Q, just forget it, to discover my real self in a safe space where I know nobody is judging me and I just can just be what I want to be. Although I don't know yet who I am and what path I'm taking, meeting these people, experimenting with it and, moreover, reading all the experiences people post here has been more worthy than years of closed mind and just tries to forget it.
I hope you have a great time here! :)
Welcome to Susan's Place. If you need somebody to tell you that you are normal and sane, I will do that. Beyond that, advise about what to do with your life is somewhat limited. I will tell you to explore your options instead of wishing your problems will be solved. It will be difficult to do but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. We are happy to teach you anything we know but you will have to ask the questions. Because there is some doubt in your mind, I am going to provide you with two links. The first is our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) where you can learn what the term transgender means. The second is "the transition channel" (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw) where a therapist will walk you through a series of questions. All you need to do is tell us where you want to start.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
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Quote from: HappyMoni on March 16, 2017, 05:07:15 PM
Hi Charlie,
Welcome and thanks for opening up with such honesty. The thought of transitioning is kind of hard for the mind to wrap around at first. Trans people generally are compelled to become their true self. It sounds like this is what you are experiencing. Is it any surprise that part of your status quo mind would fight the thought of changing everything about how you fit in the world? Of course part of you will urge you to stay put. Everything you are saying is telling me you want something else though. Transgender feelings don't usually go away. (Never heard anyone on here claim that.) You can pretend they will go away until they return. Maybe you need more information to find your path. The therapist sounded like a bad fit. Why not try someone else. Also, do some experimentation. Real life experience beats theory any day. There are many possible paths. Something is telling you to try to move forward. I would listen to it and find your path. Take it from me. I ignored what I needed for so long. It is sad to think I should have listened to the true me, but instead, for decades, I lived life the way I was 'supposed to.' I am Monica. Hope to see you around the boards. ;)
Thank you very much Monica! Yeah I'm definitely looking for a new therapist at the moment. I actually called one today to make an appointment but they said they would call back and confirm. I'll wait.
When it comes to real life experiences, it's very scary for me. And also i don't know how I'd do it without people finding out, especially my family and significant other. We live together.
Quote from: theqnoumenon on March 16, 2017, 06:11:35 PM
Hi, Charlie!
Welcome to the forum! As you know, I'm also new here, but I've been reading your post and I feel so identified with some of your experiences. I had a time when I only wanted to forget this silly ideas of mine (I told it to the wrong person, I received no support and only angry and disgust faces), but it never went away and always stayed with me since I started to question my gender.
I especially feel you on the part of "mind rebooting", although now it's happening less, every morning my own mind denies everything I think about this during the rest of the day, and this is one of the things which are confusing me more right now. I'm definitely uncomfortable being read as a man, and I want to change that, however, I'm not sure about the way I'm taking due to these thoughts in the morning and social pressure to meet the stereotype that society has prepared for you.
If this helps, in the past months I got involved with my nearest LGBTQ+ association (and also started to follow this website) and with its trans and queer sections. For me, it is being a really nice experience and it has helped me to open my mind, to avoid the stages of you are being silly, Q, just forget it, to discover my real self in a safe space where I know nobody is judging me and I just can just be what I want to be. Although I don't know yet who I am and what path I'm taking, meeting these people, experimenting with it and, moreover, reading all the experiences people post here has been more worthy than years of closed mind and just tries to forget it.
I hope you have a great time here! :)
Thank you very much Q! When I tried therapy a few years ago, it was in the local LGBT center and well it didn't really work out. Maybe I'll give a try again and go back there at some point.
Quote from: Dena on March 16, 2017, 08:29:59 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. If you need somebody to tell you that you are normal and sane, I will do that. Beyond that, advise about what to do with your life is somewhat limited. I will tell you to explore your options instead of wishing your problems will be solved. It will be difficult to do but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. We are happy to teach you anything we know but you will have to ask the questions. Because there is some doubt in your mind, I am going to provide you with two links. The first is our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) where you can learn what the term transgender means. The second is "the transition channel" (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw) where a therapist will walk you through a series of questions. All you need to do is tell us where you want to start.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Thanks Dena and so sorry about the bad word in my post, rookie mistake. I tried answering to your PM but didn't see the option, I'm guessing Because I'm new. Once again thanks!
Hi Charlie Nicki :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to the club Charlie. You're not alone here at Susans.org. What you wrote sounds very familiar to me.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 16, 2017, 12:29:58 PM
Nowadays I still think about being a woman every single minute of the day . . . The feelings. Never. Go. Away.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable or depressed...But I'm honestly not living at a 100%. I feel it everyday, I don't care about things, I don't care enough about me, my career, I'm completely apathetic about life and just letting things happen the way life wants them to happen. I feel like I'm holding myself back and deep down I know it's because of this. I will never be able to be truly a 100% happy and satisfied with myself if I don't fix this.
What you are describing certainly sounds like gender dysphoria to me. You are sure to find support here.
Quote from: Jane Emily on March 17, 2017, 12:07:50 AM
Welcome to the club Charlie. You're not alone here at Susans.org. What you wrote sounds very familiar to me.
What you are describing certainly sounds like gender dysphoria to me. You are sure to find support here.
Thank you very much Jane.
Quote from: V M on March 16, 2017, 11:22:56 PM
Hi Charlie Nicki :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Thanks V M :)
Also, just a small update. The therapist called me back today and I'm having my appointment in 2 weeks, kinda excited but also bummed it's only half an hour. Seems like such a short time.
Since I'm going through my first (and hopefully only) "WTF am I doing" moment, I decided to visit my first ever post in Susan's. And ohh does it bring back memories. It's also funny how it seems like I'm going through the same thing that I did 3 years ago that I described here:
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 16, 2017, 12:29:58 PM
Back then I came out as trans with a few people including my mom, my boyfriend at the time and a close friend. My mom tried to be supportive but later told me it was something too difficult for her to handle (she's a great mom, she was just being honest), my boyfriend at the time basically told me the same, and said he didn't want to be with a girl (which I expected of course, he's gay, but still was hard to hear it). I think at the time I wasn't ready to handle people's rejection and both their reactions really put everything in perspective for me...Is this something I really want to do? Is this something I actually need?
I'm amazed at how powerful rejection can be. And how personal relationships can be such a huge influence in all of us. I went from being a 100% sure of what I wanted to going back to "am I actually sure of this?".
Hi Charlie,
I have been going back and forth for the past few months. I get to a place where I feel that I am transgender and that I want to live my life as a woman, I hold on to that for a little while until anxiety kicks in and I start doubting myself again and feeling like I can't possibly be really sure. The cycles of doubt and acceptance have been getting shorter and more intense over time, like I can't hold the doubt back anymore but I also can't make it go away entirely.
If I could snap my fingers and just be female in an instant I would have done it ages ago, but the reality of transitioning is frightening and it gives me reasons to go back to doubt and uncertainty. I also feel that it is a drain on my energy and motivation, as I find myself not wanting to do much and not taking my life forward in other areas. I feel like I need to deal with all of this to be able to focus on the rest of my life, but that it's such a massive hill to climb that I'd rather stay stuck here at the bottom. From what I have gathered, this is very common amongst transgender people.
The social part of it all is intense too. As much as I want to do things just for myself, how my family, my friends, and even how random strangers feel affects me a lot. I already get a lot of anxiety thinking that others around me notice that I'm different somehow, and while I think being the correct gender would help alleviate these feelings I also worry about making things awkward and difficult for everyone else. I find myself not wanting to make anyone else's life harder for my own benefit.
You're definitely not alone when it comes to gender confusion. That's what this site is for after all!
QuoteI get to a place where I feel that I am transgender and that I want to live my life as a woman, I hold on to that for a little while until anxiety kicks in and I start doubting myself again and feeling like I can't possibly be really sure.
Flightless, I was going to sit down and write a new thread with your exact entry (all of the above, not just what I've quoted), nearly word for word. Add to it that HRT has kicked in for me and I'm getting chest growth that's starting to become a problem to hide, and I've found myself on another downward spiral. And the final complication is dealing with a major hurricane and the aftermath. Something that has helped my mood in the past is out - shopping and dinner in another town as myself is out of the question now with most of Florida closed down.
I can't be free to be myself even in my own home, since we don't have any way to keep the neighbors from seeing inside when they go by. My wife suggested there are two options right now: either go shopping for window coverings, and continue to hide, or come out to the neighbors, either individually or as a group (which would effectively be coming out to the world). I sat and ran the scenario through my head of visiting one of my neighbors to have a talk, and ended up having a complete meltdown.
Feeling very down and weak and trapped right now. I know people get through and rise above these situations, but it's beyond me where the strength comes from.
Going to bed early. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Steph
I always enjoy revisiting my first post ever here, I like looking back and seeing how I thought back then. Didn't realize it but 2 days ago was my 2 year anniversary since I first posted here. My life at the moment seems surreal...I've transitioned and have been living full time for 9 months now, it has been extremely challenging, mostly on an emotional level but I've chosen to survive and thrive every day. It's a difficult road for sure, and sometimes I wish I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have hope that things will get better.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 18, 2019, 11:51:52 AM
I always enjoy revisiting my first post ever here, I like looking back and seeing how I thought back then. Didn't realize it but 2 days ago was my 2 year anniversary since I first posted here. My life at the moment seems surreal...I've transitioned and have been living full time for 9 months now, it has been extremely challenging, mostly on an emotional level but I've chosen to survive and thrive every day. It's a difficult road for sure, and sometimes I wish I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have hope that things will get better.
In those early days figuring ourselves out, the road ahead can seem infinite, and yet a little later when looking back, we often see how very far we've come [emoji846]. Congrats on the 2 years. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 18, 2019, 11:51:52 AM
I always enjoy revisiting my first post ever here, I like looking back and seeing how I thought back then. Didn't realize it but 2 days ago was my 2 year anniversary since I first posted here. My life at the moment seems surreal...I've transitioned and have been living full time for 9 months now, it has been extremely challenging, mostly on an emotional level but I've chosen to survive and thrive every day. It's a difficult road for sure, and sometimes I wish I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have hope that things will get better.
@Charlie Nicki:
Dear Charlie:
CONGRATULATIONS on being here on Susan's Place Forums for 2 YEARS!!!! :)
Like just about all of us here on the Forums, it is an eye opener for us to read over some of our earliest postings....
... my oh my, how things have changed!!!
I have much enjoyed your postings on your thread and various other threads and please know that I am always wishing you well and wishing you success in your life endeavors.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle
Thank you ladies!
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 18, 2019, 11:51:52 AM
I always enjoy revisiting my first post ever here, I like looking back and seeing how I thought back then. Didn't realize it but 2 days ago was my 2 year anniversary since I first posted here. My life at the moment seems surreal...I've transitioned and have been living full time for 9 months now, it has been extremely challenging, mostly on an emotional level but I've chosen to survive and thrive every day. It's a difficult road for sure, and sometimes I wish I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have hope that things will get better.
They will. Look how much better they are already!
When reading your entry the one above it caught my eye. I'd forgotten I'd written that, way back in September 2017. Things have changed so much for me! I've been full time since October 2017, my name and gender is officially changed, I have a wonderful new girlfriend, I am a member of multiple women-only organizations and clubs, I've had FFS and have an appointment for more, and I have an appointment for GCS in September.
I told my therapist that I'm convinced that my social transition is finished, and he agrees. All that's left is the physical transition in the form of those surgeries, and detaching myself from my current domestic situation (divorce) so I can move on with my new soulmate.
Life is so much better now, and the future looks even better. I hope it seems that way to you, too.
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 18, 2019, 12:32:45 PM
They will. Look how much better they are already!
When reading your entry the one above it caught my eye. I'd forgotten I'd written that, way back in September 2017. Things have changed so much for me! I've been full time since October 2017, my name and gender is officially changed, I have a wonderful new girlfriend, I am a member of multiple women-only organizations and clubs, I've had FFS and have an appointment for more, and I have an appointment for GCS in September.
I told my therapist that I'm convinced that my social transition is finished, and he agrees. All that's left is the physical transition in the form of those surgeries, and detaching myself from my current domestic situation (divorce) so I can move on with my new soulmate.
Life is so much better now, and the future looks even better. I hope it seems that way to you, too.
Stephanie
Hi Steph!
Wow a lot has definitely changed in your life. It's been a while since I've read your thread so I didn't know about your FFS or divorce. Well I'm glad that you have found love again! I'll feel complete once love finds me.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 19, 2019, 10:41:11 AM
Hi Steph!
Wow a lot has definitely changed in your life. It's been a while since I've read your thread so I didn't know about your FFS or divorce. Well I'm glad that you have found love again! I'll feel complete once love finds me.
No divorce yet. Currently we're staying together for the sake of the kid - our dog. It's hard being with my love on weekends then having to go back to that old world for the week, but it won't last forever.
I have more facial work coming up in June - face and neck lift, and general facial rejuvenation and feminization, possibly body sculpting to give me a waist and some semblance of hips, and maybe a little cosmetic dentistry? Then in September my GCS with Bowers.
In the meantime I've found the most wonderful person - sister Susan's member @sassycassie - to think about the rest of my life with. I am so incredibly lucky! You'll find someone, too!
Be well!
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 19, 2019, 10:52:22 AM
No divorce yet. Currently we're staying together for the sake of the kid - our dog. It's hard being with my love on weekends then having to go back to that old world for the week, but it won't last forever.
I have more facial work coming up in June - face and neck lift, and general facial rejuvenation and feminization, possibly body sculpting to give me a waist and some semblance of hips, and maybe a little cosmetic dentistry? Then in September my GCS with Bowers.
In the meantime I've found the most wonderful person - sister Susan's member @sassycassie - to think about the rest of my life with. I am so incredibly lucky! You'll find someone, too!
Be well!
Stephanie
No children other than cats here, but I'm kind of in the same situation you're in at the moment, but for other reasons. I'm cohabitating with my not-yet-ex and we're not planning for that to change any time soon. He has nowhere to go and loves our girls as much as I do.
This body sculpting...gonna need to look into that. Although dysmorphia seems to be a taboo subject in trans circles, boy, do I got it (not talking about genitals, but the rest of my body...I'm obsessing all the time). All the way down (up?) to the shape of the crown of my skull.
Quote from: Tribble on March 19, 2019, 01:58:39 PMThis body sculpting...gonna need to look into that. Although dysmorphia seems to be a taboo subject in trans circles, boy, do I got it (not talking about genitals, but the rest of my body...I'm obsessing all the time). All the way down (up?) to the shape of the crown of my skull.
Taboo? I don't understand that. FFS and GCS are openly discussed, accepted, and desired. Why would making the rest of our bodies congruent with our minds be off the table? Whoever tries to set those rules isn't worth listening to.
My body, my rules!
Stephanie
Agree, I'm (probably like many) not happy with my body shape; but have no issue taking about it.
I've looked a couple times at coolsculpting as a possible toe in the water way of maybe tweaking my body shape. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 19, 2019, 03:53:49 PM
Taboo? I don't understand that. FFS and GCS are openly discussed, accepted, and desired. Why would making the rest of our bodies congruent with our minds be off the table? Whoever tries to set those rules isn't worth listening to.
My body, my rules!
Stephanie
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. FFS and GCS are generally considered parts of dysphoria and separate from dysmorphia. I'm pretty sure hip and waist work would also be considered under dysphoria. Dysmorphia may or may not be different in some people's minds and I've heard people rail against the use of the term dysmorphia when it comes to trans body image issues. I, personally, believe I fit the description of both if they are separate human conditions. For example, I obsess over the size of my hands, feet, overall shape, the shape of my skull (I would love a short hairstyle, but my skull is, frankly, pretty obviously representative of the male anatomy). Every little thing to me, calves, forearms (having ridden BMX bikes a lot in my youth and having been a bass player in my past, both my calves and my forearms are really large and I haven't figured out how to reduce their sizes).
I never mean to offend and I'm just picking up on what's new since I first started this journey over 16 years ago. You may or not be amazed at what's changed in the 13 years or so that I've been out of the community online and I was never really in the community locally due to a bad experience (friggin' hierarchies!!!).
All of that said, I didn't know surgical waist shaping was a thing at all beyond rib removal, which last I'd heard, was not recommended. Again, I need to renew my knowledge. Everything about it may have changed since I'd last heard.
Quote from: Tribble on March 19, 2019, 04:18:07 PM
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. FFS and GCS are generally considered parts of dysphoria and separate from dysmorphia. I'm pretty sure hip and waist work would also be considered under dysphoria. Dysmorphia may or may not be different in some people's minds and I've heard people rail against the use of the term dysmorphia when it comes to trans body image issues. I, personally, believe I fit the description of both if they are separate human conditions. For example, I obsess over the size of my hands, feet, overall shape, the shape of my skull (I would love a short hairstyle, but my skull is, frankly, pretty obviously representative of the male anatomy). Every little thing to me, calves, forearms (having ridden BMX bikes a lot in my youth and having been a bass player in my past, both my calves and my forearms are really large and I haven't figured out how to reduce their sizes).
I never mean to offend and I'm just picking up on what's new since I first started this journey over 16 years ago. You may or not be amazed at what's changed in the 13 years or so that I've been out of the community online and I was never really in the community locally due to a bad experience (friggin' hierarchies!!!).
All of that said, I didn't know surgical waist shaping was a thing at all beyond rib removal, which last I'd heard, was not recommended. Again, I need to renew my knowledge. Everything about it may have changed since I'd last heard.
Oh, you certainly didn't offend me! I was just surprised that anyone would judge someone for trying to be themselves. I was following the CD/Trans* World as far back as BBS's and Compuserve, and I do remember a lot of sniping and cliqueishness, so things do seem different today. It was a bit like other services are today. It's why I made my home here.
The world I saw way back then was one of the reasons I stayed hidden until I was 58 years old. I'm glad you're here to remind us how far we've come, and I give you serious cred for getting through it back then.
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 19, 2019, 07:27:03 PM
Oh, you certainly didn't offend me! I was just surprised that anyone would judge someone for trying to be themselves. I was following the CD/Trans* World as far back as BBS's and Compuserve, and I do remember a lot of sniping and cliqueishness, so things do seem different today. It was a bit like other services are today. It's why I made my home here.
The world I saw way back then was one of the reasons I stayed hidden until I was 58 years old. I'm glad you're here to remind us how far we've come, and I give you serious cred for getting through it back then.
Stephanie
Our pioneer mothers and fathers came way before me, but we do have a long path ahead of us yet.
I did hear that some groups do still retain that stupid hierarchy which is why I bowed out of the local scene as soon as I arrived. I decided to slip into relative stealth or at least fly under most people's radars. I left the online community soon after as, to my shame, I had my husband and I just wanted to disappear into the woodwork.
This dysphoria/dysmorphia distinction is new to me. We were still mostly using GID and it was a non-gender therapist at a halfway home after one of my suicide attempts that suggested that what I was going through was not a disorder, at all. I was being me. I do see a lot of subjects mentioned nowadays that were once so taboo that no one would talk about them then even in private. I understand it was because of the gatekeepers, but I was pretty open with my first gender therapist and was able to start hormones less than three months after seeing her and I was still in male mode. I didn't invent the term, obviously, but she had never heard the term "transphobia" before I mentioned it in a session one day. I'm not sure what the FtM community was like then, but she did work mostly with FtM trans people. I may have been her first trans woman so it was a process for both of us (one day I explained some pretty intimate things about how I approached my sex life and she exclaimed, "You sound like a
dyke!" She's lesbian and...duh, yeah, at the time I was! :P ).
I'm happy some subjects are becoming open for discussion. Not being able to mention them, even among a supposed friendly crowd, can make one feel very, very alone and more freakish than ever.
Quote from: Tribble on March 19, 2019, 08:11:12 PM
Our pioneer mothers and fathers came way before me, but we do have a long path ahead of us yet.
That we do. In the US, so many of the things that were won by those going before me are being threatened for no logical reason.There's no point in getting into the politics. I think we all know why.
QuoteI left the online community soon after as, to my shame, I had my husband and I just wanted to disappear into the woodwork.
I don't know how my opinion squares with the majority here (and I don't really care), but I see absolutely no shame in what you did. I have often considered the option of "going stealth." It's a very attractive thing, though not a realistic possibility for me.
QuoteThis dysphoria/dysmorphia distinction is new to me. We were still mostly using GID and it was a non-gender therapist at a halfway home after one of my suicide attempts that suggested that what I was going through was not a disorder, at all. I was being me. I do see a lot of subjects mentioned nowadays that were once so taboo that no one would talk about them then even in private.
Remember the acronym GIDAANT? As I recall, it stood for Gender Identity Disorder, Adult and Adolescent onset, Non-Transexual. For much of my life, I thought that applied to me. Not that I didn't want to transition, I just thought it was an impossibility, so I buried the thought very deep. In my mind I was "only" a cross-dresser, a transvestite. I understand now that those are viable lifestyles, but back then what I'd been taught is that those tendencies made me a freak. I'm sure I don't have to explain to you what that does to your psyche.
Maybe I'm not reading the right forums, but while we all understand "dysphoria" I've rarely run across "dysmorphia." I understand the term and its roots, but it does seem to have been incorporated into "dysphoria." I'm not happy with my hands or my feet or my shoulders or my narrow hips, etc. ad nauseum, and I'll do what I can do address what's possible (I haven't heard anyone speak of rib removal in a long time), but I have come to understand that ciswomen come in all shapes and sizes, and if we can shift our focus off of the beauty queens and onto everyday, "ordinary" women, we can see that all women are beautiful. The circle that defines who people see as female is larger than we may think, and with a little care we can fit into it, even with our "flaws."
It took a while for me to truly realize that ciswomen experience the same longings and body issues that we transwomen do. Only the most narcissistic believe they're perfect, and comparing ourselves negatively to other women is so rampant and common that it seems normal. When looked at dispassionately, our bodies are not all that different.
The women (cis and trans) who I admire the most are the ones who have found peace with who they are, accept that nobody is perfect, and just get out there and live without worries about what other people think. I have a long way to go before I'll get there, but I consider it a laudable goal.
I'm glad you finally found someone who could help you out of the darkness. You are being you! That's one of the most wonderful freedoms in the world.
QuoteI'm happy some subjects are becoming open for discussion. Not being able to mention them, even among a supposed friendly crowd, can make one feel very, very alone and more freakish than ever.
Susan's isn't perfect, but it's the most accepting, understanding place I've found on the internet. Very few things are forbidden to discuss, and the openness and understanding of those I've interacted with here have helped me immeasurably. I believe completely that Susan's has saved lives. Without the open discussions and friendship I've found here, I don't know where I'd be now.
And thank you for coming back to us and sharing your experiences and wisdom. Especially after successfully transitioning and living authentically as you've done. I hope I'm that selfless when I get to the place you are now.
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 20, 2019, 08:19:05 AM
That we do. In the US, so many of the things that were won by those going before me are being threatened for no logical reason.There's no point in getting into the politics. I think we all know why.
I don't know how my opinion squares with the majority here (and I don't really care), but I see absolutely no shame in what you did. I have often considered the option of "going stealth." It's a very attractive thing, though not a realistic possibility for me.
Remember the acronym GIDAANT? As I recall, it stood for Gender Identity Disorder, Adult and Adolescent onset, Non-Transexual. For much of my life, I thought that applied to me. Not that I didn't want to transition, I just thought it was an impossibility, so I buried the thought very deep. In my mind I was "only" a cross-dresser, a transvestite. I understand now that those are viable lifestyles, but back then what I'd been taught is that those tendencies made me a freak. I'm sure I don't have to explain to you what that does to your psyche.
Maybe I'm not reading the right forums, but while we all understand "dysphoria" I've rarely run across "dysmorphia." I understand the term and its roots, but it does seem to have been incorporated into "dysphoria." I'm not happy with my hands or my feet or my shoulders or my narrow hips, etc. ad nauseum, and I'll do what I can do address what's possible (I haven't heard anyone speak of rib removal in a long time), but I have come to understand that ciswomen come in all shapes and sizes, and if we can shift our focus off of the beauty queens and onto everyday, "ordinary" women, we can see that all women are beautiful. The circle that defines who people see as female is larger than we may think, and with a little care we can fit into it, even with our "flaws."
It took a while for me to truly realize that ciswomen experience the same longings and body issues that we transwomen do. Only the most narcissistic believe they're perfect, and comparing ourselves negatively to other women is so rampant and common that it seems normal. When looked at dispassionately, our bodies are not all that different.
The women (cis and trans) who I admire the most are the ones who have found peace with who they are, accept that nobody is perfect, and just get out there and live without worries about what other people think. I have a long way to go before I'll get there, but I consider it a laudable goal.
I'm glad you finally found someone who could help you out of the darkness. You are being you! That's one of the most wonderful freedoms in the world.
Susan's isn't perfect, but it's the most accepting, understanding place I've found on the internet. Very few things are forbidden to discuss, and the openness and understanding of those I've interacted with here have helped me immeasurably. I believe completely that Susan's has saved lives. Without the open discussions and friendship I've found here, I don't know where I'd be now.
And thank you for coming back to us and sharing your experiences and wisdom. Especially after successfully transitioning and living authentically as you've done. I hope I'm that selfless when I get to the place you are now.
Stephanie
I appreciate your sentiments, but I'm no heroine. I'm happy to go on, but only with your permission. This is
your intro thread! :D
If you'd like to PM, I love talking online! If you would like me to continue here, I'll be happy to do so, but I feel guilty for taking over your thread. :) I'll just say that my own dysmorphia has been debilitating for me.
Dr. Bowers is one of the doctors I've been thinking a lot about since I'd heard of her practice. I would also
love to see her, but I'm not sure I could handle
yet another three years or more before making at least that part of my body right.
Quote from: Tribble on March 20, 2019, 09:23:36 AM
I appreciate your sentiments, but I'm no heroine. I'm happy to go on, but only with your permission. This is your intro thread! :D
If you'd like to PM, I love talking online! If you would like me to continue here, I'll be happy to do so, but I feel guilty for taking over your thread. :) I'll just say that my own dysmorphia has been debilitating for me.
Oh gosh no, this isn't my thread! I'm afraid we've both taken over poor
@Charlie Nicki 's thread! I have a completely different thread where I ramble on and on to the point where few people visit any more.
Anyone here who has gone beyond where any particular person is, and still sticks around to help should be considered a heroine (or hero!). Commiserating with those who are in the same place is comforting, but not terribly educational. It's those who've been there and done that who can help us pull through, and there's little reason for them to stay here except for pure kindness and altruism.
@Rachel ,
@Michelle_P ,
@Laurie ,
@HappyMoni , and so many others helped me get through the really hard times before and in the beginning times of transition. Now I can add you to the list, like it or not!
Feel free to PM me any time!
Stephanie
Oops! Sorry, @Charlie Nicki!!! I forgot what thread I was in! :D I'm sure as an Official Greeter that @Steph2.0 is not posting many of her own intro threads now. ;)
@Steph2.0, I'll take you up on that PM invitation. :)
Quote from: Tribble on March 20, 2019, 09:49:17 AM
Oops! Sorry, @Charlie Nicki!!! I forgot what thread I was in! :D I'm sure as an Official Greeter that @Steph2.0 is not posting many of her own intro threads now. ;)
@Steph2.0, I'll take you up on that PM invitation. :)
You girls can keep going all you want! :) I found it interesting. I'm also interested in your story with your significant other @Tribble so I'm gonna snoop in your profile a little bit :laugh:.
This thread is also super old, I actually update my life in my diary thread: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229573.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229573.0.html), I just came back to this one because it's good for me to re-read my old thoughts.