A rather gloomy thread but... it seems many people here have either tried or contemplated suicide...! Not so surprising considering some 41% of trans people have tried to take their own life. Nevertheless - all of you are still here!!! Which is great.
So... all of you who survived that attempt, what would you tell to others who are going through that?
What is the thing that is still keeping you here?
More specifically:
- Have you thought about wanting to die and ending your life? Did you plan it? Did you try to kill yourself? How?
- What made you so depressed? Was it gender related or bcos of other things?
- Why are you still here? What keeps you going?
- What would you tell someone who is ready to die?
- Have you got some gender related encouraging words for them? Has your life gotten significantly better after that attempt/period? What do you want to say to others who might feel it's never getting any better?
Also check out this awesome thread by November Fox:
To those who are in pain
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233611.0.html
And this:
Words of encouragement to your pre-transition self
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231252.0.html
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Yes, I have totally thought about it, multiple times. I've never really wanted to actually end my life - I just wanted to stop the pain. In my darkest moments I've felt life will never get any better than this and can't take it anymore. But for me that has just been a passing feeling, though intense. I've even contacted some hotlines sometimes... ::) been so desperate.
It has not been entirely just gender related, but bcos of multiple things and my general life situation that seems unbearable at times. Though gender has definitely played a part coz the more hopeless I felt genderwise the more depressed I became. And not being able to transition has affected my whole life negatively. Which also made me more depressed.
I'm pretty much over depression now. And feel very hopeful.
The one thing that has always kept me going is this:
I've always decided that I will power through anything life throws at me! I've consciously decided to survive anything. So I just won't give up no matter what. So that means I can't take my own life. After all - no way in hell I wanna die!!! Though the prospect of never being able to transition or change my life felt so desparing that I did actually want to end the pain. But I've decided to survive whatever. So I just felt that even if I wasn't able to transition in my lifetime, I just wouldn't give up! Even if my life stayed miserable that way. But I will never give up.
The second thought that always keeps me going is this:
I won't give other people (mainly my toxic family) the pleasure of burying me as a woman with a female name (that I just recently finally changed!!!). So I'm going to outlive them. Another decision that keeps me anchored on this planet Earth, ;).
The third thought is this:
I've gotten so much support here that I actually do feel like a different person now!!! So during these few months my life has actually dramatically changed. And I just managed to legally change my name!!! And I'm going to transition this year. So... after all that pain and waiting and difficulties life actually did get better! I'm a living proof of that! Someone said to me ;) life can surprise you in three years. And I can agree on that - no way would I have thought I'd be where I'm at three years ago either! So... it does get better. Nothing lasts forever. And my life has been pretty unbearable so far.
But now I'm waking up in this new reality, the new me. It's almost like all those years never happened. I'm finally living in The Now. And look towards the future! I'm happy. And I'm not even depressed anymore. So anything can happen if you just don't leave the cards unturned, ;).
Besides - wanna add:
Exercise always helps and improves the mood, ;).
To the suicidal: "Don't be a forty one percenter. We need you around."
Hugs, Devlyn
I've never been seriously suicidal but to those who are I would say:
If you're prepared to end your one and only life, how about trying a few things you've always wanted to do first.
Also, it's amazing what people sometimes do commit suicide over. I knew a guy who killed himself in an awful way because he owed the landlord some money and was otherwise depressed about it. He did himself in by drinking antifreeze, and then came online to describe to us how he was feeling in real time. It was horrible, and there was nothing we could do. Obviously there are so many ways out of that particular situation, and suicide over a bit of back rent money? What a waste of life. So remember, whatever you're facing, maybe you are like that guy and not looking at all your options, when there could be one right around the corner. I know at one point I was feeling almost as low and that was just because I didn't have the energy to imagine myself in a better place and make it happen. Couple of years later and the guts to leave that situation and I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life. It's perspective, sometimes, that limits us and cuts lives short. From experience I know that things can change on a dime, but depressed suicidal people believe it never will. And that's probably not true.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM
- Have you thought about wanting to die and ending your life? Did you plan it? Did you try to kill yourself? How?
Twice. Both times I planned it. First time was when I was in hospital. I took an overdose. Saved up painkillers. Got caught by the staff, it was a bit stupid but at that point in my life, so was I. Second time tried to hang myself. Some guy walking their dog saw me. Ended up back in the hospital. Dog walkers, they should be in the police force, lol.
Quote- What made you so depressed? Was it gender related or bcos of other things?
Both. It was something else that affected my gender issues indirectly. I don't really want to go into it here. Let's just say I thought my life was effectively over. Physical injury. Severe physical injury that basically put an end to all hope of transition.
Quote- Why are you still here? What keeps you going?
I've asked myself that a lot. What keeps me going is what I can do for other people. How I can use what I've been through to help others. I don't much think about myself too much nowadays. Just how I can benefit others. And doing so makes me happy. It gives me a purpose. Makes me feel like what I do makes a difference. So that makes life worth living. :)
Quote- What would you tell someone who is ready to die?
I would say that it isn't the answer. It seems like the easy way out but you will never know what your life could be. What a difference you could make. You will never know what you're capable of. Often the need to end it is because either we're too afraid to, or in too much pain to want to keep going. Because we can't see that light at the end of the tunnel. But in my experience it's because we're not looking for it. We look behind us, at everything that's happened to lead to that point, and extrapolate it to the future. We don't actually look forward, at what's possible. Only what we feel is probable based on our own state of mind at the time.
Quote- Have you got some gender related encouraging words for them? Has your life gotten significantly better after that attempt/period? What do you want to say to others who might feel it's never getting any better?
No. I wish I did. I wish I could say that it would all be okay. I wish so much that I could say that people would get everything they wanted and that it would all work out okay. But I can only speak for myself. I still have bad days. I still have times where I wonder if it was all worth it. But I also feel that I have some degree of control over what I do, and where I go. And ending it removes all that. It throws your existence onto whatever you believe. Which may or may not be right. It's basically a gamble. While you're alive, you have control over your own life, however much you may not feel like it. You can make choices and dictate how you want your life to go.
The one belief I have is this: Where there's life, there's hope. Where there's life, there's the capacity for change, and to make things better. Even though it may not seem like it at the time. And I believe it's better to have dominion over your own fate than to leave that fate to chance, and to whatever lies beyond.
People have the capacity for greatness. No matter who you are, where you are, what you're going through. Inside you all is that spark of sentience. That spark of divinity. Keep hold of that. No matter how bleak it may seem. The world may try to break you, and keep you on your knees, but inside all of you... all of us... is the ability to rise from that. To assert who we are and to say "No, I won't let you beat me. I'm worth more than that."
If I can do it... anyone can do it. Believe in yourself. I believe in you.
Quote from: Sephirah on February 26, 2018, 04:30:41 PM
I've asked myself that a lot. What keeps me going is what I can do for other people. How I can use what I've been through to help others. I don't much think about myself too much nowadays. Just how I can benefit others. And doing so makes me happy. It gives me a purpose. Makes me feel like what I do makes a difference. So that makes life worth living. :)
You do make a difference :)!!!
I still remember your encouraging words and when you said to me 'I believe in you.' I just thought about it today!!!
Quote from: Sephirah on February 26, 2018, 04:30:41 PM
People have the capacity for greatness. No matter who you are, where you are, what you're going through. Inside you all is that spark of sentience. That spark of divinity. Keep hold of that. No matter how bleak it may seem. The world may try to break you, and keep you on your knees, but inside all of you... all of us... is the ability to rise from that. To assert who we are and to say "No, I won't let you beat me. I'm worth more than that."
If I can do it... anyone can do it. Believe in yourself. I believe in you.
I believe this too!!!
And that's why I'm still here, ;). And will never give up no matter what.
Again, awesome reply, Sephirah!!!
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM- Have you thought about wanting to die and ending your life? Did you plan it? Did you try to kill yourself? How?
Well . . . yes. At 19 I tried to hang myself. I tied the knot wrong though, so here I am.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM- What made you so depressed? Was it gender related or bcos of other things?
The gender stuff didn't help, but it was mostly because I seem to have a natural predisposition toward depression, and childhood abuse had left me with a wicked case of PTSD. And my boyfriend had just broken up with me. And I was on the verge of flunking out of school. So all that.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM- Why are you still here? What keeps you going?
Some good medication, a great therapist, and the irrational conviction that things will get better with time.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM- What would you tell someone who is ready to die?
Really, surviving chronic mental illness is about choosing to live one minute at a time. Any reason will do--even "I'm too scared to do it right now. I'll think about it again in 5 minutes." String enough of those minutes together and you're a longtime survivor.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM- Have you got some gender related encouraging words for them? Has your life gotten significantly better after that attempt/period? What do you want to say to others who might feel it's never getting any better?
It helps to remember that nothing lasts forever. Even chronic depression lifts eventually. I'm not sure I have any gender-dysphoria-specific advice for people, it seems to me that suicidal feelings from any cause are pretty similar. You just have to consistently choose to hang around a little longer.
It's harder to justify suicide when your best friend, who also happens to be the world's greatest doggo, is sleeping at your feet maybe dreaming about all the good times they have with you.
This was hard to type
I havent attempted suicide or anything, but i stopped caring about life, i gave up and sometimes i wanted life to end but i never thought about doing that
Some Gender stuff yes hating myself for not being happy as a man, and trying not to be a man, but also just being kinda weird, but alot of crap has been thrown my way through my 20s but 1 thing sort of started it all is when i started caring less and less
IDK, im still trying to figure out why am i here, ive always tried to hide my way through anything that life throws at me, but i now realize this doesnt work
It would be nice to get more responses from suicide survivors. Depression is kicking my ass, like it usually does, and the bad thoughts always linger in my head. I know it happens to almost everyone here so let's revive this thread[emoji173]️.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 11, 2018, 12:12:18 PM
It would be nice to get more responses from suicide survivors. Depression is kicking my ass, like it usually does, and the bad thoughts always linger in my head. I know it happens to almost everyone here so let's revive this thread[emoji173]️.
Have you considered trying anti-depressants? It took me several tries before I found one that worked for me.
I survived a suicide attempt in 1984 and was treated. After my dad died in 2007 tho I fell into another very deep depression w/suicidal thoughts. Therapy and SSRI's helped me survive that episode and I didn't even hesitate to raid my medicine cabinet for my anti-depressants in 2013 when I suffered another depressive episode related to the final stage of my pre-transition life. I was very hesitant about anti-depressants in 2007 and my doctor pretty much had to read me the riot act to get me to start treatment. I take them whenever I feel the need for them now and am very good at recognizing the signs of when I need them. Currently I'm not taking any and feel very good. I've been off of them for about 6 months now but I started taking them again in the lead up to my FFS because the stress was kicking my ass. Transition creates a TON of stress, particularly at specific times, like FFS or SRS. i.e. surgeries. I couldn't imagine my transition w/o mother's little helper. I'll probably take them just as a precaution if/when I ever get my final transition surgery, GCS.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM
- Have you thought about wanting to die and ending your life? Did you plan it? Did you try to kill yourself? How?
I first contemplated suicide when I was 12. I spent a long time trying to think of a quick and painless way of dying. I didn't go through with it. On other occasions in my teens, I would go to bed and pray that I would not wake up, or just lie down and try to will myself to die. I am cowardly but it's probably good that I did not have access to sleeping pills. More recently, though not suicidal exactly, I have given thought to where and how my life will end.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM
- What made you so depressed? Was it gender related or bcos of other things?
My changing body made me realise that I was becoming even less female. Ironically, the first death wish was caused by my pubic hair. I didn't realise that girls also had it. More recently, the suffering of my parents made me question whether I want to go through it, especially as I am alone.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM
- Why are you still here? What keeps you going?
When I was first suicidal, my life was idyllic apart from what is now called gender dysphoria. I love wildlife and nature and I lived in a village where creatures such as monkeys, antelopes and dolphins could be seen, and sometimes the family went further afield to see more spectacular wildlife. The realisation that I could enjoy the beauty of nature, even if I was ugly, helped a lot. It still does.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM
- What would you tell someone who is ready to die?
You'll die soon enough, whether you want to or not. What's the rush? In the meantime, if looking at yourself makes you unhappy, look at the beautiful things outside of yourself. I like looking at nature. It doesn't have to be spectacular. Birds and plants are enough. Something else might pique your interest.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM
- Have you got some gender related encouraging words for them?
You are the gender that you are because of your mind. Acceptance by society of your true gender would be nice but you can enjoy many of the things appropriate to your true gender, regardless of how you look or how society regards you.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM
Has your life gotten significantly better after that attempt/period?
Honestly, no. Rather, I realise that I had many wonderful experiences, unrelated to my gender, since. Most of them were related to nature. I am glad that I did not die.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM
What do you want to say to others who might feel it's never getting any better?
It won't get better if you die. It might get better if you live. It will get better if you have interests outside of yourself.
There are people who think that they would definitely have killed themselves if they could not have transitioned early in life. Some trans people do take their own lives but I can't accept that suicide is ever the only answer, even if transition and GRS may be necessary for complete mental and physical health.
There are still countries where trans people live in fear of their lives, even from the authorities. I will not tell them, even if they are as desperate to transition as anyone could be, that they have to choose between killing themselves or being killed by someone else.
I don't have the nerve to kill myself. But I wish that I would get sick and die or die in my sleep. A feeling of hopelessness has left me with little or no will to live.
- Have you thought about wanting to die and ending your life? Did you plan it? Did you try to kill yourself? How?
Like who hasn't? Why bother with messy things like suicide when you are already effectively dead on the inside? Still, I am the type of person always having a Plan B if not C or D. Plans I have a few, one specific semi-spectacular one.
- What made you so depressed? Was it gender related or bcos of other things?
No hopes. No Wishes. No Dreams bar one given up on(?) long ago. Just a lifeless, hopeless "Thing" that wakes up each morning to do... "What is expected". Gender related for sure, especially the great gender related ironies of my life and body esp.
- Why are you still here? What keeps you going?
You look at your life. All that you have done. All that you haven't. None that you wished or imagined you could. You think... "Why Bother?" Nothing is ever going to change. In fact. Change brings PAIN. Change = Conflicts. Yet... the candle flame of hope can still be seen in the far off distance. Sometimes you can ALMOST believe what others say about the cool and great things you've done. Can having this deep dark secret of having hope be the only thing I am not wrong about? Everything else I do or think seems to be wrong
- What would you tell someone who is ready to die?
- Have you got some gender related encouraging words for them? Has your life gotten significantly better after that attempt/period? What do you want to say to others who might feel it's never getting any better?
Wrong person to come forward on this one. Only out of selfish reasons do I try to convince my wife not to end her pain and what she believes is the pain she inflicts on me.
Yet... Here. In search of Hope
Quote from: Janes Groove on August 11, 2018, 01:04:24 PM
Have you considered trying anti-depressants? It took me several tries before I found one that worked for me.
I survived a suicide attempt in 1984 and was treated. After my dad died in 2007 tho I fell into another very deep depression w/suicidal thoughts. Therapy and SSRI's helped me survive that episode and I didn't even hesitate to raid my medicine cabinet for my anti-depressants in 2013 when I suffered another depressive episode related to the final stage of my pre-transition life. I was very hesitant about anti-depressants in 2007 and my doctor pretty much had to read me the riot act to get me to start treatment. I take them whenever I feel the need for them now and am very good at recognizing the signs of when I need them. Currently I'm not taking any and feel very good. I've been off of them for about 6 months now but I started taking them again in the lead up to my FFS because the stress was kicking my ass. Transition creates a TON of stress, particularly at specific times, like FFS or SRS. i.e. surgeries. I couldn't imagine my transition w/o mother's little helper. I'll probably take them just as a precaution if/when I ever get my final transition surgery, GCS.
Funny thing I actually take antidepressants daily. I'm scared to quit them because I'm in the middle of surgeries/transitioning/getting used to being full time. It's a lot of stress and I guess they help a bit, but not a lot. I get the feeling my body is used to them at this point so they don't do as much as they did at the beginning but I also don't want to switch to another type since I guess these antidepressants work OK and also make me sleepy which is good enough. I believe I will be able to quit them when I'm emotionally stable enough that the chemical reaction of not having them in my system doesn't send me back to Depressionland.
Quote from: Danielle M on August 11, 2018, 02:56:55 PM
I don't have the nerve to kill myself. But I wish that I would get sick and die or die in my sleep. A feeling of hopelessness has left me with little or no will to live.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I went to a trans support gropu yesterday and it really helped. Maybe you can try the same?
Quote from: JoanneB on August 11, 2018, 03:58:51 PM
- Have you thought about wanting to die and ending your life? Did you plan it? Did you try to kill yourself? How?
Like who hasn't? Why bother with messy things like suicide when you are already effectively dead on the inside? Still, I am the type of person always having a Plan B if not C or D. Plans I have a few, one specific semi-spectacular one.
- What made you so depressed? Was it gender related or bcos of other things?
No hopes. No Wishes. No Dreams bar one given up on(?) long ago. Just a lifeless, hopeless "Thing" that wakes up each morning to do... "What is expected". Gender related for sure, especially the great gender related ironies of my life and body esp.
- Why are you still here? What keeps you going?
You look at your life. All that you have done. All that you haven't. None that you wished or imagined you could. You think... "Why Bother?" Nothing is ever going to change. In fact. Change brings PAIN. Change = Conflicts. Yet... the candle flame of hope can still be seen in the far off distance. Sometimes you can ALMOST believe what others say about the cool and great things you've done. Can having this deep dark secret of having hope be the only thing I am not wrong about? Everything else I do or think seems to be wrong
- What would you tell someone who is ready to die?
- Have you got some gender related encouraging words for them? Has your life gotten significantly better after that attempt/period? What do you want to say to others who might feel it's never getting any better?
Wrong person to come forward on this one. Only out of selfish reasons do I try to convince my wife not to end her pain and what she believes is the pain she inflicts on me.
Yet... Here. In search of Hope
Joanne, I might be the wrong person to say this since I get depressed and hopeless often but it seems life always surprises us in a positive way when we least expected. Hang in there, I'm hanging in here as well :) we can do this.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on February 26, 2018, 12:55:57 PM
A rather gloomy thread but... it seems many people here have either tried or contemplated suicide...! Not so surprising considering some 41% of trans people have tried to take their own life. Nevertheless - all of you are still here!!! Which is great.
So... all of you who survived that attempt, what would you tell to others who are going through that?
What is the thing that is still keeping you here?
More specifically:
- Have you thought about wanting to die and ending your life? Did you plan it? Did you try to kill yourself? How?
- What made you so depressed? Was it gender related or bcos of other things?
- Why are you still here? What keeps you going?
- What would you tell someone who is ready to die?
- Have you got some gender related encouraging words for them? Has your life gotten significantly better after that attempt/period? What do you want to say to others who might feel it's never getting any better?
Question- Have you thought about wanting to die and ending your life? Did you plan it? Did you try to kill yourself? How?
Answer- Yes many times I have tried to end the pain that I was going through. I really can't count how many times I tried. I have tried pills(woke up in the hospital twice). I tried hanging(rope broke). I tried using a 9mm pistol(the gun just clicked). I remember how I cried that last time thinking I couldn't even do that right.
Question- What made you so depressed? Was it gender related or bcos of other things?
Answer- All my life I have had the feeling I was born in the wrong body and had been trying to kill the person I was. I hid my true feelings because "Real men don't feel the way I feel". I always felt like I was "Broken". I felt like I needed to be destroyed like an animal with a broken leg.
Question- Why are you still here? What keeps you going?
Answer- I really have no idea why I'm still here. I guess the Creator didn't want me to die. What keeps me going is I found out I'm not "Broken" and there is help for people like me thanks to this forum.
Question- What would you tell someone who is ready to die?
Answer- Please don't do it. Please know there is hope. There are people who love you and care about you, even people you don't even know yet. I know first hand how you feel. I have been there feeling exactly what you feel. Trust me as long as you draw breath there is hope.
Question- Have you got some gender related encouraging words for them? Has your life gotten significantly better after that attempt/period? What do you want to say to others who might feel it's never getting any better?
Answer- There is help out there if you are willing to look for it. My life took a turn for the better the moment I admitted to myself that I was transgender(thanks to the internet). I found a great doctor and she put me on HRT and I have never felt so right before in my life. I had never known such happiness could exist. It will get better for you but it's not going to happen over night. It will take some work but what you recieve in the end is priceless.
@PurpleWolf I want you know it took me a month to gain the courage to answer this post. I cried throughout most of it and had to stop many times. Not a bad cry but a "Thank you for caring enough to ask these questions kind of cry"
Love
Bobbie LeAnn