Hi everyone! Thanks for having me. I'm starting my first T shot next Monday and while I am SO excited I am also freaking out about it.
I've navigated most of my life as a woman presenting but very proud queer and took me a long time to be able to stand tall and refuse to conform (even when my own life was at stake).
I now identify as *nonbinary transmasculine*. Nothing about what "being a guy" means turns me on with the exception of physical traits. I'm also an activist and have always been outspoken against patriarchy.
Did anyone else also freak out about people simply assuming you're a guy all the time? How you choose to present yourself also affects how much privilege you get (if you're more feminine you won't get as much privilege as a super masculine guy). How do you navigate the world? Help! ???
On T during the first few months I was freaking out a tad thinking to myself 'WTH' am I doing. I still wasn't sure what type of nb if any; I was (I now know I'm demi male, someone who's mostly male but also slightly another gender, for me agender). I knew that trans male never quite felt right. The dysphoria mostly going was a huge relief and although I welcomed some physical changes; there was and still are some changes I don't like. But the WTH feeling went away whenever I thought of stopping T because I remembered clearly how awful mentalIy I felt pre T.
Only recently, within the last few months, I've become accustomed to the physical changes and have started to like my new body more and more. And to accept the fact I'll always be seen as an oddity because I'm fem and the fact I have slight dysphoria on not being seen as nb. But as I'm becoming more comfortable within my body and confident; that doesn't mean I'm not going to change how I want to dress or act.
The first year on T is definitely the toughest hurdle. What with looking in between, changes not coming as fast as you expected them too and your brain adjusting to the testosterone. But once you reach the year mark it becomes a lot easier.
I think when deciding to take T you need to weigh up the mental benefits against the physical negatives.
Hi Elis,
This was really, really helpful! I appreciate your comment so much! I have definitely weighed the pros and cons and I want to go forward with it regardless of how scared I am or how much hard it will be to adjust to it - I'm over 30 by the way so the changes and needs are different from someone who started T in their teens or 20's!
I'm agender and on T due to physical dysphoria. I don't consistently pass as a guy yet, and while I welcome the majority of the physical changes, I have to admit I'm not excited about being thrust into a completely different set of arbitrary gender expectations.
The thing is, I'm going to get misgendered regardless. I can't escape the fact that most people I encounter are going to assume I'm on one point of the binary or another. So I figure I might as well be comfortable in my own skin.
I tend to wear masculine clothing in bright colors because that's what has always felt "right" for me. I feel as dysphoric dressed like a super masculine guy as I do in a frilly dress. This means that, yes, I usually get read as a butch lesbian or a gay man, and I face the respective social consequences. Fortunately, I'm in a pretty liberal area where I'm a lot safer than I could be elsewhere, but I'm aware it only takes one transphobe to screw up your life.
For me, it's worth the risk. I was frequently suicidal before I transitioned, to the point where I truly believe my biggest threat is myself should I have to go back to that. Even just the effects of T on my brain chemistry, regardless of any physical changes, are a massive boost to my mental health. So while T isn't a universal positive for me--it almost never is for nonbinary people--I've never regretted it since I started. Second puberty isn't fun, but the hardest part really was working up the courage to start in the first place.
widdershins - that WAS helpful and SO true. I feel the exact same way. People are always, always going to assume I'm either female or male, no matter what I do so might as well do something that will make me more comfortable in other areas I find important to be comfortable with. That's what feels right for me too!