The last couple of months have been like a rollercoaster. I found a therapist and began talking about my feeling, if was hard opening up, knowing the consequences. There have been a lot of tears and talks that have lasted for hours with my wife. If had just gotten to the point that avoiding it was no longer an option. I told my wife, that without any doubts in mind, I am a woman. Then we're that long silence between, me getting the nerve to finish and the end of the conversation. Finally I got the words out that I want to live the rest of my life as anwoman. I know what that means for our marriage, and I am willing to compromise by still presenting male in public and use low dose hormone therapy to address the dysphoria. As heart broken as my wife was by this news, my therapist was over joyed. They offered to create a safe place for me to be female and use female pronouns to address me. My therapist even offered to refer me to HRT, which I declined for now. My wife is still processing everything. Right know things are in a holding pattern.
..
You have to start somewhere, I think you've made a great start. Also by being willing to take it slow for your wife, you lay the groundwork for the best possible outcome. TBD
congratulations on putting one foot forward.
Hi Erika,
That opening up to your therapist and the tears that can follow is still something I remember from well over a year ago and there have been many tears since. But therapists are there to help us as I am sure you have found out.
Your wife on the other hand is likely one of the hardest talks you have had. Hang in there and give her time to process this big change to your relationship. Remember she has not had anywhere near the time you have had to get used to this news. I am sure facing it yourself has not been easy for you. Going slow and giving her time is your best bet to gain her acceptance. You may talk to you therapist about a possibly couple session or two to help her understand some of this. But that decision to go to it has to be hers.
I wish you good luck.
Hugs,
Laurie
One of the hardest parts is that my wife has put this all on me. She won't talk with anyone about her feeling. I have asked her to see her own therapist, but she refuses. She has stated that this is my problem and I have to deal with it. She wants me to just divorce her and move on with my life as a woman, if living as a woman is what I want. To me our marriage is worth fighting for, yes in the end if I full transition she will leave me, but why give up so early? Yes, I am miserable as a man, I want to transition to female, but I am not 100% sure how far. Maybe I don't need to live socially as female, but maybe I do. I am ready to start taking some steps in transition and I am actively looking for an person support group and I want start hormone therapy. I know my therapist supports me going on hormones, so getting a referral will be easy, telling my wife won't be as easy.
Had an interesting therapy sessions, my therapist wanted to talk about my life as a woman. This comes on the heels of me saying that I am getting comfortable with the idea of being female. The idea of living my life full time is something that I want, but my wife has made it clear will end our marriage. For the moment we have compromised and she is ok with me being female on the inside only. Living day to day as a woman is currently out of the question. My therapist took that as I have thought about being more then just female on the inside. I said yes, I have thought about socially transitioning, especially at work. I even thought about transitioning to female at work, but still presenting male at home. We are working on ways to balance my desire to be female and my wife's instance that I remain male socially.
Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 28, 2018, 01:58:18 PM
One of the hardest parts is that my wife has put this all on me. She won't talk with anyone about her feeling. I have asked her to see her own therapist, but she refuses. She has stated that this is my problem and I have to deal with it. She wants me to just divorce her and move on with my life as a woman, if living as a woman is what I want. To me our marriage is worth fighting for, yes in the end if I full transition she will leave me, but why give up so early? Yes, I am miserable as a man, I want to transition to female, but I am not 100% sure how far. Maybe I don't need to live socially as female, but maybe I do. I am ready to start taking some steps in transition and I am actively looking for an person support group and I want start hormone therapy. I know my therapist supports me going on hormones, so getting a referral will be easy, telling my wife won't be as easy.
@Erika_CourtneyDear Erika:As always is it so sad to hear about our many transtitioners that are having acceptance issues from the spouses... You do not have to read too many posts and threads to see that you are not alone with what you are dealing with.
If there is any possible way that you can convince her to go to "couples therapy" together with you, that would be a good start. Perhaps talking to a therapist together will be more acceptable to her.
Getting acceptance from a spouse regarding your transition plans can be one of the most difficult gauntlets to overcome for obvious reasons. I trust that you and your wife can work on this
together with the help of a good therapist, or at the very least have some very serious discussions... remember, this is not only difficult for you, but in some ways it is more difficult for her... continue to be kind, loving and very respectful of her feelings.... and you need to be very patient and very understanding.
Hugs and well wishes...
Danielle
Took a huge leep and it is a very BITTER sweet moment. My therapist and I have been talking about the future, and they feel that I have put a lot of effort into thinking about gender and what I want for my future. They feel I am ready to take the next step and start hormone therapy. I told them that is the direction, I want to go as well. They recommended a couple of places and I said I will call as soon as they are open. I called and stated that I was calling because I am looking to start hormone replacement therapy. The person on the phone said they weren't accepting new patients at this time, but the she would put me on a waiting list.
I'M ON THE LIST, I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now the bitter part, my wife has said all along she would there for my first appointment, but now she is backing off that and doesn't want to come. She says see wants to walk this road together, but she keeps avoiding counseling and now this.
Hello Erika
I agree with Danielle concerning your wife; just be patient and loving and actively communicative and in time she may come round but no guarantees of course.
I wish you good luck on the waiting list being short and thus starting HRT soon.
Hugs
Pamela
Erika, My heart bleeds for you and your wife. This is so hard, such a tragedy. She is losing the man she married. Hard to blame her for being pissed, or even for not trusting the counselors who (from her point of view) may seem to be cheering you on and ripping you away from her. As one who has chosen to stay with an unaccepting spouse, sublimate, repress, and deny myself, I'm in no position judge anyone or to tell you what to do. I just know that I couldn't do it in my own life. I couldn't lose her, I couldn't leave her, and I couldn't lose access to my kids. Now (as we age in retirement and some health issues) it's become a mutual dependency—why leave now? Anyway, what to you is joyful freedom and is celebrated by your therapist as a breakthrough is likely, to your wife, a betrayal of your promise to love and care for her forever (because in her mind it was a man who made that pledge). I've had so much sadness about this in my life. I hurt for you both! Nancy
Technically I won the battle for hormone therapy. My wife came to me and said that I shouldn't just try one place and wait, I should be looking for other places as well. If this was the end of the conversation, then it would have been good. Instead she had more to say, basically she said that I have given up on life until I get the hormones, so I might as well not waste anymore time just being mistersble and do what I want. I was just filled with frustration, I want to be happy without the hormones, but it is not possible. She finds it hard to believe that estrogen is a magic pill that is going makes things as great, as I am thinking they will be. The disphoria has been slowly beating me down and I am at a point that it is hard to even live a normal life. What keeps me going at this point is that small faint light ahead. Just one foot in front of another and I will get there. There is no going back at this point, the way back was across a bridge that has been burned to ash.
You have the right attitude. You know you must make progress even if at a slow pace.
I agree you should significantly benefit from HRT.
Hugs
Pamela
Some thoughts from my first support meeting. When I compare living as my guy self to the times I go out as Erika, being Erika wins by a long shot. Erika ate dinner at a fast food restaurant and got mama have a good night!!! Seeing people who have finished transitioning, was amazing, honestly I want to be them. What I don't want is the sacrifices that they have made, lost of family and spouses. The speakers talked about how close friends become your family, for them this was a price worth paying to be authentic. I I was to nervous to talk so I just sat around and listened and hoped that the moderator didn't call on me to speak. Sad that the night ended and Erika had to go back into a box.
Final thought: The person I am today is who I was in the past and soon I will be the person that is
my future.
I haven't visited this site in a while. What brought me back today was this site came up in therapy. I feel like closing time at a diner, but it wasn't always this way. At one time the diner was filled with people and I had a lot in common with those people. Then they left the diner and traveled their road and I stayed at the diner. When I think back to when I first started on this site, the people I talked with and now they are out living their lives as women and I am still sitting in the diner. The diner is safe it is status quo, but it can't be anymore. My wife put me on notice that she can't live with status quo anymore. My wife hates the idea of me going on hormone therapy, but she can't live with me as an angry man anymore. With very instructions on what can happen on hormone therapy, the smallest possible dose and tolerating some dysphoria, she thinks she can be comfortable with the side effects of a slight female appearance with a small amount of breast development. I am not sure how realistic her goal for me is, but it is a start. With that I contacted an Informed Consent practice and completed a first visit and pasted the blood work.
I feel like a song: Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything I thought I knew. I am saying good bye to the male me and hello non binary trans woman me. I probably just made that gender identification up. Looks like I have left the diner.
Good luck Erika.
Marion
Quote from: Erika_Courtney on October 13, 2018, 09:51:14 AM
Had an interesting therapy sessions, my therapist wanted to talk about my life as a woman. This comes on the heels of me saying that I am getting comfortable with the idea of being female. The idea of living my life full time is something that I want, but my wife has made it clear will end our marriage. For the moment we have compromised and she is ok with me being female on the inside only. Living day to day as a woman is currently out of the question. My therapist took that as I have thought about being more then just female on the inside. I said yes, I have thought about socially transitioning, especially at work. I even thought about transitioning to female at work, but still presenting male at home. We are working on ways to balance my desire to be female and my wife's instance that I remain male socially.
I would not mind if you want to PM me, I am going through a very similar journey. One concern I have is that your therapist is "overjoyed". Why did they express that to you? I feel like they need to help you reflect but definitely should not be steering you. Also do you have children (Sorry I have not finished the thread so maybe you say you do)--this makes things very complicated (I have a 4 year old son).
My wife just started initiating actions on her own (I dragged her to many therapies, than we had a break from therapy, and now she is reading "She's the Man I Married" and wants to read other stuff.
You are in one of the hardest parts of coming out to your wife in my view; you just want them to figure it out with you and they just don't want to move...
Hi,
I remember that part of transition where you are now. I know how difficult, scary, happy and sad things were. Sometimes there were multiple emotions at the same time.
If things get to be too much make sure to reach out and get help. I did and I made a team. Therapist, groups, doctors, PA-c, on-line and anyone that I knew that was sympathetic. I was on a SSRI for a while when things got really difficult.
I am very lucky in many ways. I got to be me and although my wife and I are not longer married we are still on speaking terms and see each other from time to time and eat out.
I am speaking about myself when I write this. People say you are the same person on the inside but I know I am very different in many ways. I also know there are many people that could not do what I did. I know woman that did not have a support team and had difficulties along the way.
Becoming yourself, I am happy for you. I know for me fully transitioning was what I had to do. Everyone is different and I hope you are able to reach your goals.
There was appoint that I never wanted this day come. I should have written a letter and addressed to my future self, it probably would have been something like this: If you are at this point you must be in an extremely dark place right now and have given up all hope on your future. Just stay strong and the dawn will come, if you give in and allow weaknesses to dictate your actions taking estrogen will destroy your life.
Fast forward to the present, I started taking estrogen this week. I wasn't in a dark place and hopeless, when I took my first dose. I was filled with excitement and joy! I accepted who I am, I am person with a male body and female brain. Living on testosterone was making me miserable. For the first time in a long time I believe things are truly going to get better. I don't honestly know where this roads ends, but I know it is going to take me to the right place.
Congratulations Erika on starting HRT. You'll remember taking your first tablet and/or applying your first patch forever! Enjoy the rollercoaster ride.
I wish you every success and happiness.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on February 01, 2019, 03:59:39 AM
Congratulations Erika on starting HRT. You'll remember taking your first tablet and/or applying your first patch forever! Enjoy the rollercoaster ride.
I wish you every success and happiness.
Hugs
Pamela
Pamela, one of two things, I am on the toddler rollercoaster or the rollercoaster I am on is broken. I know medications take time to work, but I was hoping for some placebo effect, so far there has been none. In four weeks I have online follow up with my care provider and from our initial appointment it sounded like they were already preparing me for the need to make some changes to get the right dose. I am optimistic they will up my dose. Can't believe I just said I wanted my dose up. Times are a changing.
You may perhaps get the placebo effect within the first 4 weeks. Good luck!
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: Erika_Courtney on March 07, 2018, 09:15:33 PM
I want to father a child before I start hormones and my wife wants a baby.
Wow well that's a switch how did this part work out? Pay-as-you-go for the next 20 yrs there's many pitfalls/downsides to this approach (divorce?) unless an agreement in advance? Your spouse is not your "family" but, rather, just some girl you married (which these days "come & go" all the time) am curious what your
real family thinks about your plans.
As a grandparent helping with 3 grandkids I think your wanting a child is
admirable but think "
us prior folks" wanna know!
So this all started when I got an automated email notice from my providers patient portal. I logged in to see what was posted and I was over due for a test. Not just any test, a Pap Smear!!! Clearly not a cis woman, or I would be cringing. I was exploring the portal more and now instead of taking about mens health, it talks about womens health. So I guess in my providers eyes I am a woman, which deep down I want to be.
I have been trying for the last two weeks to have a positive mindset and stop putting myself down for the choices I have made to finally be me. I am beyond happy to be on Estrogen. I told my therapist I was so happy, I wanted to jump up and down on her couch like Tom Cruise. I am not really feeling or any changes on the Estrogen, but I keep taking my pill daily. Last night things crashing down, my wife and I were talking and she mentioned she has enough and is about done with the marriage. She basically asked me if there was any hope for us in the future or should we just end it now. I told her I didn't want to end the marriage. She is tried of me be distant in her life. She said I have gotten the hormones I wanted and should be happy. Nights like this make me think she is never or doesn't want to believe that something is really going on in my head. I a have been really done on myself today. So much for the positive attitude, the self hatered has come back.
One option comes to mind. Try to put the down feeling out of your mind and show your wife how you feel inside. Take her somewhere that both of you would enjoy. It could be dinner, shopping, to a local attraction or even sharing time at home. Two weeks isn't long to learn how to express your feelings but if your to save your marriage, you will need to learn fast.
Quote from: Erika_Courtney on March 01, 2019, 11:28:53 AM
I have been trying for the last two weeks to have a positive mindset and stop putting myself down for the choices I have made to finally be me. I am beyond happy to be on Estrogen. I told my therapist I was so happy, I wanted to jump up and down on her couch like Tom Cruise. I am not really feeling or any changes on the Estrogen, but I keep taking my pill daily. Last night things crashing down, my wife and I were talking and she mentioned she has enough and is about done with the marriage. She basically asked me if there was any hope for us in the future or should we just end it now. I told her I didn't want to end the marriage. She is tried of me be distant in her life. She said I have gotten the hormones I wanted and should be happy. Nights like this make me think she is never or doesn't want to believe that something is really going on in my head. I a have been really done on myself today. So much for the positive attitude, the self hatered has come back.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through Erika! It is somewhat similar to my situation. I understand exactly what you mean that you can go from elation at taking a step forward to it all crashing down at that rejection from your spouse. That pretty much sums up my last four months. Take one day at a time! You're not alone!
Hugs,
Jael
I talked to my wife about planning to co parent since neither of us with our work schedules could do it alone. I don't want to talk about divorce was her response. I just wanted to say then stop being it up, you started the whole divorce talk. Of course I didn't say that. We are back to status quo for now.
One positive, I noticed that bumps have formed around one of my nipples. Also that nipple hurts when I press it. Trying not to get my hopes up to much, but I think something is starting!
Quote from: Erika_Courtney on March 05, 2019, 11:26:31 AM
I talked to my wife about planning to co parent since neither of us with our work schedules could do it alone. I don't want to talk about divorce was her response. I just wanted to say then stop being it up, you started the whole divorce talk. Of course I didn't say that. We are back to status quo for now.
One positive, I noticed that bumps have formed around one of my nipples. Also that nipple hurts when I press it. Trying not to get my hopes up to much, but I think something is starting!
It took my wife about 2 months just to get out of denial, and her anger seems to be diminishing at month 4. I'm hopeful we can remain friends and maybe even stay in the same house (seem issue; cost and parenting).
Congrats on the possible HRT response! I've ben feeling much more peaceful and calm, but also so tired.
Quote from: Jeal on March 05, 2019, 01:55:26 PM
It took my wife about 2 months just to get out of denial, and her anger seems to be diminishing at month 4. I'm hopeful we can remain friends and maybe even stay in the same house (seem issue; cost and parenting).
Congrats on the possible HRT response! I've ben feeling much more peaceful and calm, but also so tired.
Been a year and four months for me and while I was initially hopeful my wife and I can no longer spend more than a few hours in the same house without things going South. Tried the living in same house and co-parenting for the same reason, money. Too many memories, too many expectations that can no longer be met. I wish you all better luck!
Quote from: krobinson103 on March 07, 2019, 01:15:48 AM
Been a year and four months for me and while I was initially hopeful my wife and I can no longer spend more than a few hours in the same house without things going South. Tried the living in same house and co-parenting for the same reason, money. Too many memories, too many expectations that can no longer be met. I wish you all better luck!
If it is going to work long term I think I will need to build a tiny house/art studio in the back yard and live mostly there. Neither of us is ready for that disconnect yet, but it feels like our staying 'together' is temporary and mostly for the kids sake. At some point we will both need to move on and I don't see that happening when sharing a bedroom/bed.
In any case, one thing I have realized through this opening up process is that I am definitely either bisexual or pansexual, and I'm not sure if a 'marriage' suits me in any way shape or form. Not until I get a chance to live for a while with some authenticity. I am inclined to not be so quick to define myself this time around =D
I get it, I am just starting this process and it takes time. Was not really feeling any different mentally. I talked with my provider about my meds and they were okay with adding a tblocker. I am taking it super slow. They said it is below the normal low dose they start with, which I am fine with, you can always go up. My wife was very hesitant about the tblockers, but the very low dose help her tolerate it. Just started taking it and already feeling better mentally.
I can't stop touching my girl boobs, trying to feel for breast buds. Both nipples now hurt when I press them!
Hello again Erika
I am keeping a record on HRT Board of E&T BT results which covers those after 3/4 6/7 9/10 and 12/13 months and I attach it in case you wish to view and compare yours with others'.
If you have no objection, I shall add yours to the 3/4 table in due course.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,245188.0/prev_next,prev.html
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: Erika_Courtney on March 13, 2019, 07:43:00 PM
I get it, I am just starting this process and it takes time. Was not really feeling any different mentally. I talked with my provider about my meds and they were okay with adding a tblocker. I am taking it super slow. They said it is below the normal low dose they start with, which I am fine with, you can always go up. My wife was very hesitant about the tblockers, but the very low dose help her tolerate it. Just started taking it and already feeling better mentally.
I can't stop touching my girl boobs, trying to feel for breast buds. Both nipples now hurt when I press them!
I hope everything is going well for you!
<3 Jael
Had my follow up appointment. My hormone levels have just entered female range. After having my doc take a look at them, I have one female boob and one male one.
My doc wanted to start me on progesterone, I said no for now. It seems a little early. Staying on the same dose for now, was given permission to double my E intake, if I want to at any point.