hey,
I am a little more than 3 years in hrt now and overall feel pretty good 😊 I had one rather short relationship with a boy from my class and was only attracted to men over these years. Before transition I was aware of my bisexuality and this changed quickly after I started taking spirinolactone and estradiol gel, also my sex drive changed, was more dependent on having someone near me and this whole visual focused urge to masturbate completely diminished.
over the last months however I often dreamed of lesbian attraction maybe? there never was really something happening in these dreams, but I woke up, as I woke up during male puberty, with a very unpleasant wave of dysphoria. I also masturbated for a few times these lasr months and it just hasn't felt right, I even was kinda loathed afterwards.
its not that I cant handle the fact being bisexual- i would embrace the fact, if it wouldnt be such a huge reminder of my past. and the same it is for masturbation.
i really enjoyed anal sex over the last years, however this isnt something pleasurable for myself as a masturbation practice. I actually need a guy for that 😋
ofc its more about an association than anything else - i had a very short relationship with a girl when I was 17 and it just was terrible and ultimately led to my decision to transition. how can I forget this and how can I live out myvwhole sexuality before I got srs? How can I feel more comfortable with masturbation? Since I am on cypro I just feel the need to do so sometimes and I dont want to block myself.
Thank you and I'm happy to be here btw ( this is my first post ☺️)
kisses from germany
Good afternoon, HaleyVale!
Welcome! I would guess one of the mods will be along shortly to welcome you to Susan's and give you lots of helpful information about the site. It would be good if you could post a little about yourself on the "Introductions" thread. Go here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html
. . . and click on the "New Topic" button.
I understand what you're saying about a "visual focused urge to masturbate," because I experienced the same thing growing up physically male. Like you, that pretty much faded away under HRT for me, and I don't miss it. I didn't lose my sex drive, and masturbation still felt good, but the feelings were more body-focused and emotional than visual, if you can understand what I mean.
Like you, I also started out (when I was a guy) attracted to men. In high school, everybody just assumed I was just a gay guy - even though I sometimes wore girl clothes and experimented with makeup.
In the process of HRT and transition, my sexual orientation and feelings shifted a lot, and I consider myself bisexual now, though my experience with women is still (regrettably!) limited. From reading the histories of others, I gather it's not unusual for a shift like this to happen.
The main point I would want to make to you is not to feel guilty about masturbation. You're very lucky (I was, too!) to still have a functioning sex drive after several years of HRT. Some folks totally lose their sex drive during HRT. Sexual pleasure is GOOD! Masturbation is GOOD, and it harms NO ONE!
Lots of times, people struggle with the sexual feelings they have and worry about whether what they feel is what they "ought" to feel. Don't worry if you have "lesbian" dreams. There's nothing wrong with them. If you have lesbian feelings, welcome them, invite them in. And masturbation and fantasy are good ways to explore them. Like I said, it hurts no one. "Try it on for size" and see if it's something you would like to develop.
April's advice is good. I kind of think about it like this: I can be attracted to anyone and perhaps give and recieve pleasure from people that I am attracted to. Once the need for orientation boxes goes away, life becomes a lot more peaceful.