My last opportunities to change my mind are here. I'd feel quite embarrassed to drop the plan now after insisting that Dr Wittenberg's staff schedule me into an April cancellation. On the other hand embarrassment is a smaller price to pay than a wrong decision.
See my post in sexuality for more details and please give me responses wherever you feel more appropriate.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218064.0.html
Since they started working on my April date and especially since it was confirmed last week I'm now evaluating how I feel about proceeding. A year of RLE is complete, my letters are written or drafted and due to be sent soon. I'm absolutely and undeniably happier with testosterone effectively nil just from estrogen injection and I'm nearing completion of electrolysis in the surgical area. I have enough money saved to get myself to SF for the procedure and enough of a cushion and I have a fallback option of going with the BMC team here in Boston.
My nagging concern (see above post) is that I've proved for myself that I have a sexuality that's more serviceable than it was before HRT even if I keep my <shenis>. A couple of months ago I was glad to learn this and to be able to say I'd survive better with just HRT if something kept GCS from being an option.
As I said in the post about the sex, I think I know my answers and I'm trying not to telegraph that, I'd like to hear what people think.
I think this is something only you could answer. That said, do you feel your hesitancy is based on fear of either losing the girl friend or of the surgery? I imagine it is natural to have some thought as to "Will I have regrets?" Do you have any pride in having "mini you" still there? Does it bother you to pull down the pants and see it there? If you proved you can have pleasure without touching "mini you" what is the argument for keeping it? I could go into how I feel, but the only thing that matters here is what you feel. If you are really thinking that you are moving too fast, I wouldn't continue only because it might be embarrassing to postpone or cancel.
Good luck Sadie!
Moni
I will add one personal thought. My sexually is totally wrapped up in having female body parts so my answer is simple. If your sexual concept is not as rigid, maybe living with "mini you" is feasible.
If your GF longs for you to keep your current genitalia, she almost certainly engages in a bit of male gendering of you. I would (and actually did eventually) find that completely intolerable. Sexuality had nothing to do with it.
It's good, btw, that you continue to enjoy yourself sexually before surgery -- helps to keep the nerves and brain engaged. And it's pretty telling that you got off being touched "where my vagina would (will) be."
I think you'll be getting surgery in April, and your GF won't be staying around much longer than a year.
Thanks Monica - yes only I can decide, and every post-SRS woman I've talked to about it has carried some fears right to the OR and all have been fine after. So this is a compare & contrast with other people's experiences.
Sure I fear I would miss the simplicity of just having a <shenis> and I have some lingering concerns that the loss of sensation inevitable in any surgery may not make up for having a vagina (and in this I'm not at all unhappy for waiting 15 years, a fully innervated clitoris wasn't an option back then). And yes, my future with my GF is less certain if I transition which I have to balance against being pretty sure not proceeding to GCS will leave
*me* less happy which isn't going to bode well for the relationship.
I hate looking down at it, actually I guess I feel about my own <shenis> about the way I feel sexually toward men generally. I'm quite able to enjoy a penis, it's the only part of a male that I'm sexually moved by - my appreciation of the male form is pretty much academic (I can see that the form is attractive, just as I make some glass pieces that I know others will like and so I make them even though they do little for me; when I make art it's forms that move me).
There's no moving "too" fast, for better or worse I can afford this now and I may not be able to afford it if I postpone and then there's the fact that at 61 on my surgery date I'm still in very good physical shape and if I postpone it could take another 2-3 years to be ready again I'd be that much older and that much less time to enjoy being female.
I spent 6 months deciding to start medical transition and then a year putting the pieces in place knowing that once that was done I would then have the final decision in hand. That was preceded by 18 years of social transition and I feel pretty well grounded to be deciding.
I think the Robert Hunter of the Grateful Dead put it well
QuoteThe wheel is turning and you can't slow down.
You can't let go and you can't hold on.
You can't go back and you can't stand still.
If the thunder don't get you then the lightning will.
I'm 95% sure and I know I'd rather noodle this out now than on the way to the OR, still less after the procedure is done.
When I'm rock climbing or blowing glass, the working decisions are made in the moment, fast and the consequences are significant. Place protection when it's easy to, move fast over difficult terrain and as long as the protection was set well then a fall is just something that happens.
This is harder, I have time to second-guess.
There's a saying I like: Life is Not a Dress Rehearsal
Sometimes you just can't know, and you have to choose anyway, and not making a choice can be just as wrong as making one.
Personally I'd do it because why not? I can't see I'd regret it, and if I never had SRS I'd always wonder about it. I'd rather take the risk of regret than the certainty of always wondering and never knowing.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on December 28, 2016, 02:01:02 PM
If your GF longs for you to keep your current genitalia, she almost certainly engages in a bit of male gendering of you. I would (and actually did eventually) find that completely intolerable. Sexuality had nothing to do with it.
It's good, btw, that you continue to enjoy yourself sexually before surgery -- helps to keep the nerves and brain engaged. And it's pretty telling that you got off being touched "where my vagina would (will) be."
I think you'll be getting surgery in April, and your GF won't be staying around much longer than a year.
Hmm, thanks Sophia - that last bit is a bit harsh but you've certainly got a grasp of the crux of my dilemma :-(.
My gf has only ever known me as trans. I took her on our first date wearing lingerie because I didn't ever want to pretend to be a guy in bed again. The person she loves is and always has been feminine brained and she likes the me of today that's developed over the 18 years we've been together better than the me that was just starting to find my way then.
And yes that gets cast against I have a penis and she likes it and we are both keenly aware that we don't know what comes out the other side.
I've had a lover who was a former lesbian, we have a friend who's been gay his whole adult life until he partnered with a woman I introduced him to. Etc, etc.
And knowing I'm flexible enough, I also know if she decides to end the relationship I can deal with it. I decided I could cross that bridge before I decided to begin transition ... well and I made it the night of our first date, just the stakes and time already invested is greater now :-)
Quote from: AnonyMs on December 28, 2016, 02:39:04 PM
There's a saying I like: Life is Not a Dress Rehearsal
Sometimes you just can't know, and you have to choose anyway, and not making a choice can be just as wrong as making one.
Personally I'd do it because why not? I can't see I'd regret it, and if I never had SRS I'd always wonder about it. I'd rather take the risk of regret than the certainty of always wondering and never knowing.
Thanks 'Nony I like the saying (live by it) and I'm also biased to think necks don't serve a purpose if they never get stuck out.
Pre surgical jitters? I had them up to the moment they knocked me out. I heard of people changing their mind in the hospital just before surgery. If you have a therapist, this would be a good time for a little talk, not so much to re evaluate your decision but to deal with the fear of making a mistake. If you could remove the fear you have, the decision would be easy but we are human and we are facing the unknown.
As for me, the fear and the jitters were gone the moment I woke up after surgery and they have never returned. It's not an easy decision but the people who concern me most are the people who aren't questioning before surgery. They may not have taken everything into consideration.
Dena, thanks you were one of the women I was quoting :-).
And yes I have a very close relationship with my therapist, she happens to be out of town for the holidays 'til next week and it's not like it's that much of a rush. And we've been analyzing this perhaps ad-nauseam.
And the part that's about my GF, every time a new stone drops into place she panics and then slowly settles into whatever decision is right for her and that's just how she works. Of course the panic that came along with my getting a firm surgery date wasn't fun but I've been expecting it because this is how she deals with things. The point is it's not under my control and I do have to consider it.
SadieBlake,
I wrote a response on your quoted thread on the sexuality forum.
I fear for the survival of the current relationship with your GF in any case as the transition proceeds, with or without GCS. With GCS, I suspect the process will be accelerated, functionally the death knell for the relationship.
I hope you can clarify your needs and find a path that will give you long term solution and happiness.
Steph
I have a couple of really beautiful TGs who have opted to keep their penis, one will be in Ms Tiffiny World for ladyboys. When we talk about this, it is the fear of no orgasms and sex drive. But as we dig deeper its also the fear of surgery, which is strange as they have implants and FFS already. Then they express the fear from watching some friends and many self medicate and have wild mood swings.
I have a friend who almost stopped the surgery because she met a female that felt special. But wanted her not to have srs. She chose to have the surgery and found that that special person was not so and that she was using it to relieve her dysphoria.
Its all very personal, and we have this wonderful ability to rationalize our decisions. Please review carefully any decision. Maybe srs is no for you, but I can vouch that all my tg friends experience fantastic orgasms and none have regrets. So that fear can be laid to rest.
I talked to the GF Friday and simply broached how long sex with a <shenis> has been fundamentally uncomfortable for me. She got that and I think putting in brass-tacks which is a conversation she's been shying away from. I think it's like pulling off a bandaid and maybe I should have gotten to it a bit earlier.
She's clear that she wants to have me in her life and we very much agree that we need to be open to what may come. She's said, and I agree that we will have to be open to what comes after and both be flexible. I think fully understanding that I don't think I can continue and that I've tried for a long time to, partly for her makes it possible for her to see how a future could work.
The nut of her response still included "we're poly and that makes it easier". She gets a kind of sex from her other (infrequent but long-standing) lovers that I've been drifting away from for a long time. And evidence that she really enjoys that in the moment notwithstanding, I believe her when she says she still prefers sex with me.
I've also learned that actions speak louder than words and whatever the difficulties we've had traversing this ground, her actions say we've gotten closer. She's more likely than in the past to help me with fashion, hair and makeup advice and we're simply closer which I think simply speaks to the fact that the person she cares for has been feminine brained from the start.
In terms of taking the last steps across this personal Rubicon, my therapist is back in town this week and we will have plenty to talk about as all of these bricks have fallen into place in a gap in our schedule.
I believe I will decide to proceed and that my primary relationship will survive. I may also feel better about seeking out new relationships for myself. I've only had one new sex partner in more than 10 years now and a mutually lesbian relationship might be a good thing for me.
Sadie,
I only wish you the best. It sounds like things are going in a good direction for you. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. You could have bad or good things happen no matter how you go.
Dena said she worries more about people who have no doubt about surgery. I fall into this category, I think. For some folks, maybe they haven't considered all the possibilities. I know what can happen. I had FFS and dealt with a pretty severe complication. I also know that the lower surgery can potentially result in a less than functioning conclusion. I have done the male sexual experience (this means with penis) all my life. It is mentally painful. I have decided that even if my surgery leaves me with a poor result, it can not be worse than what I have. I am at peace with my decision for surgery. I guess extreme dysphoria can be an advantage sometimes. It makes the decision making process a lot easier than being on the fence.
As for your relationship, I would never predict where it would head. I don't know either of you. I will say, if it is a good relationship, it is worth fighting for. Sometimes it takes hard work to make it work. Bottom line is that if you are not happy with yourself, what good is that relationship. It's like building a tall building on sand. Sooner or later it will crumble. You are smart to be honest with her. It is only fair to her and it shows respect for her.
Monica
Dena really hit this on the nose. It's normal to have second thoughts. Like with Dena once all was done, I haven't thought twice about it It was the right decision for me. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Dena on December 28, 2016, 05:03:11 PM
Pre surgical jitters? I had them up to the moment they knocked me out. I heard of people changing their mind in the hospital just before surgery. If you have a therapist, this would be a good time for a little talk, not so much to re evaluate your decision but to deal with the fear of making a mistake. If you could remove the fear you have, the decision would be easy but we are human and we are facing the unknown.
As for me, the fear and the jitters were gone the moment I woke up after surgery and they have never returned. It's not an easy decision but the people who concern me most are the people who aren't questioning before surgery. They may not have taken everything into consideration.
In my case when my wife told me she was getting a lawyer for divorce when I told her I was coming out and expressing at work the next day. I called Dr. McGinn's office the following Monday to schedule GCS. I had previously scheduled and orchi because my wife would "allow that" and remain married.
During the 1 year RLE (GCS scheduled 1 year 2 days after expressing) I knew I needed GCS and I knew no one would see it but me but I wondered how I would feel afterwards. Would I think I made a wrong decision.
I had FFS 8 weeks prior to GCS and had the same thought. How would I feel afterwards and the world sees my face and it is a one way procedure. I knew prior I really needed FFS and felt I would feel the same afterwards but what if. Also, with FFS everyone would know I am trans, no going back and hiding.
I am really glad I had FFS and GCS. I had no way of knowing this before I had the procedures. FFS was much more difficult than GCS. I had difficulty when I first saw my face; there were so many stitches and I looked very different.
GCS is a big step. It is normal to have fears about so many things, the operation, complications and functionally, let alone dilating and relationships. I thought I had accepted myself before GCS. After GCS I really knew it was right and I accept who I am, it feels right.
Thanks girls, yes I'm sure I'm going to be fine and I am convinced that I could be ok either way. I'm also 99% certain my quality of life is going to be better with primary sex characteristics changed to match my image and sexuality.
I think another piece of my GF's reservations have fallen in to place, I hadn't been thinking about it lately but a couple of weeks ago we were out with friends and an old friend (one of the first trans / pansexual people I ever knew) mentioned my transition and my GF's best friend was there and was completely surprised by the news. I was equally surprised that the GF hadn't ever mentioned this to someone she has leaned on for friendship for a long time.
This reinforces my belief that transphobia is a big piece of her resistance along with a healthy dose of homophobia -- it's not that she's never had sex with women, she has. Rather i think she doesn't want to be associated with these labels. This falls in line with whenever we've talked about it the subject of not wanting to take this up with her family has been at the forefront of her discussion.
Anyhow, it's easier for me to put that in a box of understanding and setting aside from my consideration. Addressing transition has certainly rooted out some of my own internalized phobia and she's entitled to have her own, but I'm also far less likely to base my decisions on that. I'm ok with having a firewall around not being out with people who have no need to know (her family) or who are potentially dangerous to be out with (my family). These aren't too difficult to obviate given I don't generally pass.
And goodness, I can't wait to talk with my therapist.
I'm 4 days from surgery and procrastinated everything to the last minute because I'm not sure. The status quo has been my safe place, but not necessarily the most fulfilling place. Breast surgery and minor facial surgery did not phase me, but vaginoplasty scares me. Will I be happier? Will I miss my male part? Surgery is a major commitment. Perfectly normal to have fears and doubts. Don't be too hard on yourself. Thoughts with you.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Sadie,
I have just read through this post and a lot of your other linked post, and honestly, I think you know what you have to do.
I have no new insights to add, the girls that spoke up before me hit everything that I was thinking. But, the one thing that my gut tells me, and maybe it is because I am projecting my own experiences on the situation, but since you are asking for feedback, here goes..
Yes, I agree, without your 'male part', your relationship with your GF will change into something even less committed, and may even end, and it may end even sooner than 1 year..
These are just my thoughts, I cannot KNOW the future, but I can see patterns, and extrapolate probabilities. Even as a 'trans' person, you having a 'male part' defines your relationship in your GF's mind, you have no control over that fact, and once it is gone, she will drift away. Just my opinion, based on instinct, experience, and probabilities.
From my own experience, even though I had broken up with my ex two years earlier, and even though she had a boyfriend, and even though I was already interested in men, there was still a 'something different' about me that kept her 'connected' to me in some way. Literally days after my surgery, that ended, and I was now no longer the creature that she had loved, I was now the woman that had killed her man. The death of my penis, marked the death of our connection. My ex also resisted my transition, but she also was willing to make accommodations, as long as I remained within the bounds of her comfort zone. Once I was without any maleness, I was dead to her.
Yes, I know, my thing with my ex was between us, and is not you and your GF. But, the parallels are there. It is about her, not you, and if you are to be true to YOU, it will cost you HER.
I hope I am wrong. But I also hope you proceed entirely based on YOUR needs, since her needs run counter to yours...
Just my two cents worth, and I know I am not saying anything that hasn't been said, nor anything you haven't likely already considered. But, hey, you asked, and i just got here, so there ya go!
I hope you have a great trip and an easy recovery, hun!
;-) Missy
Quote from: MissGendered on January 22, 2017, 08:27:38 PM
Sadie,
I have just read through this post and a lot of your other linked post, and honestly, I think you know what you have to do.
....
Yes, I agree, without your 'male part', your relationship with your GF will change into something even less committed, and may even end, and it may end even sooner than 1 year..
These are just my thoughts, I cannot KNOW the future, but I can see patterns, and extrapolate probabilities. Even as a 'trans' person, you having a 'male part' defines your relationship in your GF's mind, you have no control over that fact, and once it is gone, she will drift away. Just my opinion, based on instinct, experience, and probabilities.
From my own experience, even though I had broken up with my ex two years earlier, and even though she had a boyfriend, and even though I was already interested in men, there was still a 'something different' about me that kept her 'connected' to me in some way. Literally days after my surgery, that ended, and I was now no longer the creature that she had loved, I was now the woman that had killed her man. The death of my penis, marked the death of our connection. My ex also resisted my transition, but she also was willing to make accommodations, as long as I remained within the bounds of her comfort zone. Once I was without any maleness, I was dead to her.
Yes, I know, my thing with my ex was between us, and is not you and your GF. But, the parallels are there. It is about her, not you, and if you are to be true to YOU, it will cost you HER.
I hope I am wrong. But I also hope you proceed entirely based on YOUR needs, since her needs run counter to yours...
Just my two cents worth, and I know I am not saying anything that hasn't been said, nor anything you haven't likely already considered. But, hey, you asked, and i just got here, so there ya go!
I hope you have a great trip and an easy recovery, hun!
;-) Missy
Actually no, she sees me as feminine and likes living with a female brained person. I'm not sure what you mean by "even less committed" while we don't have a piece of paper, I can safely say in 18 years our relationship has only continued to deepen. I've been there for her across a variety of crises and now it's her turn and she's shouldering the parts i need. She's committed to coming to SF to help with recovery and she's being mindful of my need to save every penny possible.
The most positive part is that she's been clear that she wants this relationship to continue whether we're sexual or not and again actions speak louder than words and her actions have all been toward understanding.
I made note of this elsewhere, we attended an annual queer friendly sex play party just a couple weeks ago. This time I really was unable to get in the flow and we had to dress and go outside for a bit to talk. She was right there with me and the wave of dysphoria that had hit me dissipated and we were able to go back and have some fun. The highlights of the event for me were being visibly accepted by women there and participating in a mini erotic workshop that was all women (two trans women included) and I really felt welcomed there. The other great bit was seeing a new style of strapon harness in use that really made me look forward to post op sexuality.
My partner really met me in all of this. I think she's finally realized that I truly can't go on without GCS and I have to say, I was surprised at my own dysphoria coming up.
I'm going to see Dr Wittenberg in April, working on a combination of airbnb and friends I can stay with and plane tickets. I'm pretty sure our relationship is going to be fine and I'm also thinking I may be feeling better seeking out some other sex partners for myself. I've played with a couple of lesbians over the years and it's always been wonderful, I have to think when my bits are fixed that's gonna work better.
Quote from: SadieBlake on January 24, 2017, 06:20:55 AM
Actually no, she sees me as feminine and likes living with a female brained person. I'm not sure what you mean by "even less committed" while we don't have a piece of paper, I can safely say in 18 years our relationship has only continued to deepen. I've been there for her across a variety of crises and now it's her turn and she's shouldering the parts i need. She's committed to coming to SF to help with recovery and she's being mindful of my need to save every penny possible.
I'm going to see Dr Wittenberg in April, working on a combination of airbnb and friends I can stay with and plane tickets. I'm pretty sure our relationship is going to be fine and I'm also thinking I may be feeling better seeking out some other sex partners for myself. I've played with a couple of lesbians over the years and it's always been wonderful, I have to think when my bits are fixed that's gonna work better.
Sadie,
You know your situation better than anybody. Perhaps the whole poly thing eludes me, and I have no way to process how that plays into your future with her. By 'less committed', I was speaking from my monogamously-minded perspective. And, yes, my ex was actually ok with me having a feminine mind, and body, too, as long as I wasn't actually without a certain 'difference', but that is beside the point. I didn't mean to offend you or upset you, it was poor judgment on my part for wading into this conversation, and I apologize, I should have just been supportive without offering my opinion in this very personal and private matter, especially since polyamory is something outside my own personal experience.
Best wishes and kind regards..
Missy
Missy,
Thanks, no offense or hurt was taken, no harm no foul, I was also perhaps sharp in my response on that point and sorry if it felt so.
Your ex and my present gf share the attachment to those parts and there's no doubt she's dubious on this, I'm glad my relationship will at least survive long enough for both of us to explore whether we need new primary partners, I think I'm exceptionally lucky in this
Okay honey, i'm super terrible with advice but i'll try. The only thing i can say is, i feel like you should consider and think hard about what's more important to you, making her happy or going through with what makes you happy...reading your last few posts she sounds like she cares and both of you and missgendered were talking about your GF being attached to your shenis (do you mind me using that phrase?). I fully understand both her point and your point but honestly honey, i think you two should just talk it out and if you're not scared of her reaction, maybe you two can find neutral footing. I'll be cheering you on, just do what will make you the happiest at the end of the day, like i said...i think you should talk to her and to yourself think what's most important to you and what will give you the biggest smile :).
Amazon princess, your thoughts are so welcome. I do talk with the gf, yes sometimes it's the elephant in the room and that's ok too as we're both people with need to individually process things.
She's coming to SF with me. I think another part of difficulty in working through things is centered on her own family experience where her honest opinions weren't especially welcomed. I can make all the space in the world for her to express and if she doesn't feel safe saying stuff, that's coming from her own messed up family baggage.
Thanks again AP :-)
Again, thank everyone, yes I'm decided, barring some catastrophic life problem, three months from today and just 2 weeks after my birthday, I will be having vaginoplasty with Dr Wittenberg.
I said at the start, I didn't want to telegraph my intent which is to proceed and I should also say that I was heavily affected by the screwup in brownstein & crane staff failing to communicate scheduling. I was veering toward my depressive side from the shock of 2 weeks of fearing the date would be an unworkable August, somewhat angry with these people I'm depending on for an important life change. I was also sorely missing seeing my therapist for a whole month due to problems both with her schedule and mine and inevitable missed sessions during the flu season because she's a working mother.
So sorry to be projecting all that, of course since then things haven't magically gotten easy, I injured a couple of fingers in the first half of January and as I work with my hands that took an extra toll in both stress and emotion.
More good news, yesterday I said the hell with the injuries (my actual thought isn't permitted here) and made a huge glass piece with really excellent results. It felt so good to verify that even though I've been off my game, it's not gone and it was also nice to just go for it in a piece that was too large for my assistant to really help out with.
ESTROGEN HAS NOT COST ME MY STRENGTH. Working 20 lbs of moving glass at the end of a 6 foot blow pipe is possible because I have some strength and sufficient body mass to counterbalance that weight. Yeah I'm 5'11" and tip the scales north of 220, inside I'm an anime waif who knows how to move fluidly.
I'm a really physical person and allowing myself to be feminine was truly part of what let me become that. 20 years ago, before I allowed myself to feel who I am, I was just badly cut off from my body.
In this I can even be grateful for the difficult path I've traversed. What was possible and not possible for me as a little girl in the oppressive 1950-60s has inevitably brought me to a place I can be happy about.
So yes, surgery in April, I will be looking for orgasms in June :-)
I had 2 interesting experiences on the bus yesterday. Going in to Cambridge I saw a boy maybe age 10 staring at my breasts and then whisper to his mother while giggling. I chose the seat directly behind them, as it was the only full seat open and I had a huge pack with me that I'd rather park on the available spare seat. He turned around to look and then whisper to his mom again, etc. I smiled back and nodded, acknowledging his presence and went back to my reading.
I just realized on the trip home last night I was probably clocked by another trans woman. I was getting on bus with pack again as well as my folded bike and she approached, asking where this bus went (nowhere near her destination but maybe a good choice for a connection. Anyhow, she was pretty easy to read as trans and I might have understood that she was asking me rather than the driver on recognition that I was trans.
I was simply too tired to notice, it had been a long day and I'd just finished my first meal since breakfast and then barely managed to catch the last bus for another hour.
I kinda wish now I'd sat with her, however needing space for the folded bike made that unworkable.
Pre surgical jitters for me? Never had one instance where I thought if I'm doing the right thing.
Almost 2.5 years post op, never had one thought of "what if."
Flights are booked. Logistics make me anxious but behind that I'm so happy to be proceeding.
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Sydney, & congrats on finding a more local doc for yourself :-)!!
I've also now booked airbnb for night before surgery and the first week post op and push come to shove if staying with friends for the last 10 days falls through I can afford to do it all via airbnb :-)
So 90% of the logistics are set, I still need to pickup all the post op supplies I'll be needing (on the fence whether to fly with all that stuff or pick it up locally)
Big hug! The little steps are really adding up for you. I'd grab that stuff locally.
Hugs, Devlyn
One option on the supplies is purchase them locally, box them up and ship them to the address you will be staying. Carry the small things but the bulky things are best not carried with you.
Congratulations :)
When you arrive where you are staying I would pick up some small prepackaged things to eat for snacks like peanut butter crackers, ice cream and pretzels. I purchased blue chucks at a pet supply place and lube off of Amazon. You will need pads and plenty of underwear and comfy bottoms.
Thanks Dena and Rachel! Those things are on my list. My gf will be coming out and I'll be packing some of the post op things with her to bring along.
I'm forever indebted to these two wonderful women, I appreciated what they had to say and all the help that's been key in getting me to this point.
With appropriate details elided, first
my regular pshrink's letter:QuoteJanuary 1, 2017
Drs. Heidi Wittenberg & Thomas Satterwhite
Greenbrae, CA 94904
RE: letter of support for Ms. Xx Xx (DOB X/10/56)
Dear Drs. Wittenberg and Satterwhite,
I am writing on behalf of my patient, Ms. Xx, in support of her readiness for sexual reassignment surgery (i.e., vaginoplasty) to affirm her gender identity. I have seen Ms. Xx for weekly psychotherapy and medication management since 2014, and have spent the past 2 years discussing in therapy her gender identification, sexuality, and the decision to proceed with both hormonal and surgical treatment. I have also consulted with multiple other psychiatrists and psychologists with additional gender/sexuality expertise, including Dr. Yy who has also sent in a letter of support for Ms. Xx to proceed with surgery.
Ms. Xx is a thoughtful, self-reflective 60-year-old transgender woman who first identified as transgender about 20 years ago, though in hindsight she can trace certain feminine preferences, ways of thinking and behaviors back to childhood. She has struggled with doubting whether she could ever "pass" as female, given her more masculine facial features, body build and receding hairline, and thus over the years had mostly resigned herself to presenting publicly more as traditionally "male" in certain realms (e.g., keeping a beard). However, she has consistently found other ways to express her more gender-fluid, non-binary and female identity in both private and public settings. Over time, we have explored what it would be like for her to have a body that corresponded better to her gender identity, and how much more comfortable she feels when able to inhabit that role.
As Ms. Xx proceeded with hormone therapy (which she started in January 2016) and coming out to family and friends about her transition over the past year, I have seen her confidence in her gender identity grow, as well as her comfort with her own body. She has done extensive research on sexual reassignment surgery and communicated with many transgender individuals who have gone through the procedure. After discussing for many months the potential benefits, risks and overall impact of this surgery on her life, she feels determined to proceed. I feel that she has the capacity to provide informed consent regarding surgery, and do not have any reservations based on her current or past mental health. If anything, coming out and embracing her gender identity more fully in real-life experience over the past year has been beneficial/therapeutic for her mood and interpersonal relationships.
Thus, I am in full support of Ms. Xx proceeding as she wishes with sexual assignment surgery, and will continue as her therapist and psychiatrist post-surgery as well. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions – I can be most easily reached at xxx-xxx-xxxx. Ms. Xx has given her full permission for us to be in communication.
Sincerely,
Zz MD
Adult psychiatrist in private practice
MA License #xxxxx
Psychiatry attending
(Hospital)
Clinical Instructor
(Medical School)
And the evaluative letter:QuoteYy, PH.D.
Xx Massachusetts Ave Cambridge, MA
October XX, 2016
Dear Drs. Satterwhite and Wittenberg.
***DRAFT*** I am writing at the request of Ms. Xx Xx, in support of her readiness for vaginoplasty, which she desires in order to affirm her gender identity. I have seen Ms. Xx for three 45-minute evaluation sessions in my psychotherapy practice in September of this year, in consultation to her primary therapist, Dr. Zz. Ms. Xx will not be an ongoing psychotherapy client.
To introduce myself, I am a practicing licensed clinical psychologist. I have had specialized training and supervision in psychotherapy with transgender clients, which have been doing for the past 13 years, and I was a member of the Fenway Community Health Transgender Treatment Team (5 years)
Ms. Xx is a pleasant, talkative, 60-year old, white, transsexual woman who works as an xxxxxx and as a yyyyyy. She first identified as transsexual about 20 years ago. At that time, she decided against medical transition, but has found ways of expressing herself as a woman ever since. About a year ago, due to the possibility of [loss of] insurance coverage, she reconsidered and decided to pursue medical transition. Ms. Xx began taking estradiol in January, 2016, and found that she quickly experienced a greater sense of well-being. She has been taking progesterone since September, and has also found its effects positive.
In my opinion, based on the history she provided to me, Ms. Xx qualifies for a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria. She presents as organized and capable, and as having undergone a long process of self-examination and self-expression regarding gender identity. She presents visually primarily as male, with a beard and a receding hairline, but also with feminine accents. She has long experienced doubts about being able to pass as female, and describes herself as making do as non-binary in gender presentation, but nonetheless wanting to more fully occupy her female identity, to be treated socially as a woman, and to have her body as congruent as possible with her gender identity.
Ms. Xx reports she has struggled with mood since childhood, and she has been treated for Major Depressive episodes in xxxx and xxxx. Currently, she is managing mood successfully with psychotherapy and no medication other than SAM-E. She also
reports she relates to descriptions of Autism Spectrum Disorder (specifically Asperger's Syndrome).
My evaluation reveals no psychiatric diagnosis that would prevent Ms. Xx from making informed decisions regarding her medical care and ongoing affirmation of her gender identity. Her history suggests that this ongoing process has been and will continue to be beneficial to her overall mental health.
Thank you for your attention to Ms. Xx's care. I wish her all the best. Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of further assistance.
Sincerely.
Yy, PhD MA License xxxxxx
CC: Ms. Xx, Dr. Zz
SadieBlake,
Congratulations. I know I am late to the party. I hope it all goes smoothly.
Safe journeys in April.
With warmth,
Joanna
Hi Sadie,
i recently joined Susan's after long being a guest here and a member of a similar site. So, i cannot write directly. i relate to your story, though you are much further along. We have much in common!
Best wishes,
rachel
Congratulations on your decision and moving forward with it. I've had a number of friends use the services of that practice (Dr. Crane, Dr. Satterwhite and Dr. Whittenberg) and all have been happy with their results. The time will now fly by and soon you will be whole. Good luck to you.
Joanna, Rachel, Jess, thanks so much! It's been a pretty good month.
Except: off topic update
My usual work partner for Wednesday/Thu was just being what Bill Maher likes to call a whiny little b***h last week and that extended into yesterdays work and I'm seriously considering blowing off the Wed evening thing in favor of ... well anything else.
It was due to a small schedule change I made and I found myself dealing with an uncommunicative & grumpy work partner for the day, blaming me for every single thing that went poorly.
The thing is this woman pretty routinely effs up my work -- stuff happens and I am usually taking on difficult things so there's lots of opportunities for things to go wrong.
The thing is when stuff goes a bit or even a lot, sideways during my working time I just take it as a learning opportunity, address whatever the problem may be and move on. I don't think or care much about who effed up and I find this approach really helps with keeping the quality of the work top-notch.
I just wish I could get the same courtesy.
Hopefully today will be better.
Oh and on a positive note, my other project just told me they want to fly me to Milano for our installation setup! I love love love Italy and maybe I can scrape together a few extra $$ to make a side trip to Venezia to visit friends there. At the very least, the group will spring for my passport renewal, it will be nice to have that back in place as I skipped renewing it in favor of saving $$ toward transition.
SadieBlake:
We've all hashed out the GF dynamic with you here on various threads. I sounds like you are in a good place mentally and with her. I can't adequately express my enthusiasm for your efforts and wishes for your success.
It will be interesting to see how all evolves ones the rubber meets the road post-op (no pun intended). I've given much serious thought to this question in my own case, and wonder how my sexuality would evolve if I were post HRT and GCS post-op. While I an 100% male cis heterosexually oriented now, if I were to transition, I am pretty sure I'd remain heterosexual, but as a woman. I could see being bisexual initially but suspect I'd gravitate toward being the receptive partner in a heterosexual relationship. Others have described this phenomenon.
I have to admit, I, too, have difficulty understanding polyamory at a personal emotional level.
Steve
Steph, good timing, I was just talking about this with my therapist this morning. My gf has a semi-steady lover right now who is pretty good for her in bed, it's nice that she prefers me but I know she gets some things from this guy that I just can't give any more.
Her only reservation about transition is for our sexuality and I'm 99% sure I'm going to be a better lover post op than I have been for several years. What I was saying in therapy was that for my own part I believe I'm going to be successful in starting new lesbian relationships.
I get what you're saying for yourself, however I'll be very surprised indeed if I even want a regular male f-buddy, a year in hrt and my sexual response has changed a lot but little of that is focused on men and I've been deepening my female friendships.
I'm amazed how fast it's now coming up! Two months from now I'll be 4 days post op and out of the hospital, staying in the Haight.
Glad to hear things are in a state of equilibrium with your GF. Strengthening urge toward lesbian relationships is easy to understand and surely an easier progression. I am so happy for you and share your enthusiasm moving forward to your goal!
Steph
Yesterday should have been my last 2 hour electrolysis session, maybe just 2-3 more hour long appointments to be at 4 full clearings.
Painful and well worth it :-).
One month + ~15 minutes from now they're gonna be putting me under. I've got a ridiculously busy month ahead, all systems: go.
Two great things this week, a friend at my uni who's in San Diego at that time says he's gonna stop by to visit in SF. One of my very best friends and a professional mentor, I'm so glad he's gonna stop by. The other was really good sex with my gf yesterday, that may be the last time pre-op as I have to go off hrt this week and prior experience suggests I'm gonna be feeling really un-sexy as testosterone makes it's return.
Three more things this week, I've had my last electrolysis session in prep for the surgery, Wittenberg's office called Wednesday to verify some details and I received an email detailing 4 blood tests to be done as well as a pre-op EKG. The rest of it is pretty straightforward, tho I will have to figure out how I can be voiding the lower gi at the same time as I'll be flying -- I suspect this means I have to take the magnesium citrate 12 hour earlier than they say and so my fasting period b4 surgery will be longer than normal.
Im nearly 100% flat out this month and have to say I'm going to welcome recovery as a time to unwind some.
You must be so excited. Thanks for the updates.
Joanna, thanks! I'm quite happy and yes excited. It's probably also best that I don't have a lot of time for reflection.
I'm posting my list of things to bring and buy in SF for recovery in a few minutes.
Sadie, this may be a first!
:o
QuoteI'm going to welcome recovery as a time to unwind some
:o
That is one heck of a way to unwind!
Anyway, I hope you have a safe trip, and welcome in advance to the SF Bay Area!
Quote from: Michelle_P on April 03, 2017, 05:40:39 PM
Sadie, this may be a first!
That is one heck of a way to unwind!
I actually liked my recovery time. Not the first 6 days of mandatory bed rest, but after that. I was able to take walks and sleep in. I was able to get a little bit of sun in. I went to the beach a few times during the week to just walk. It was actually pretty relaxing to be able to get away from it all for a few weeks. A part of me wants to schedule some body shaping or something to be able to use up some of my hundreds of hours of sick leave I've built up.
Well the last couple of weeks have really hammered me, work has continued to be consuming a lot of time, my insurance keeps telling me the electrolysis for the surgical area is covered but they keep on failing to reimburse me, always one or another screwup on their end so I've had to put time into chasing that.
And last but not least, I turned up a rash on my inner thigh, not far from the surgical site, I'd guessed it to be fungal (never had that there before but what skin problems i have had have been athlete's foot which responded well to antifungals. By last week I was beginning to worry and had also begun to think it was contact dermatitis. I talked to my surgeon and she said it needs to get fixed because if it was fungal we would cancel tge procedure, YIKES :-(.
So I was able to see a doc locally that evening, she called it as indeed dermatitis (both on appearance and a quick histology), prescribed an antiinflammatory steroidal cream and got me a dermatology consult for yesterday. The dermatologist agrees (also did histology); the antiinflammatory is working but she's prescribed a milder one and so I think I'm in the clear, all systems still go for proceeding.
And my gf has been great, she's a bit prone to worrying but is 100% on board and supportive. And we're both looking forward to the trip, of course with awareness that I'll be limited in stamina.
So still stressful and things are all ok.
Great to hear that the rash is reacting well to treatment. It sounds exhausting but seems like great progress as the zero hour counts down. I hope is gets easier and smooths out.
With warmth,
Joanna
Thanks Joanna! Nope, no rest for the weary, I'm just plain flat out until the day I fly out. Today was my last big day of producing work (I blow glass as a part of my living). The next 10 days are all dedicated to getting ready for a show and for leaving for San Francisco.
More good news today, from my insurance co:
QuoteWe authorized this service [vaginoplasty] for you based on the specific services your healthcare provider submitted and requested.
Quote from: SadieBlake on April 13, 2017, 06:58:01 PM
Thanks Joanna! Nope, no rest for the weary, I'm just plain flat out until the day I fly out. Today was my last big day of producing work (I blow glass as a part of my living). The next 10 days are all dedicated to getting ready for a show and for leaving for San Francisco.
More good news today, from my insurance co:
That is some seriously great news. Hope all is going well.
Warmly,
Joanna
Being off estradiol injections for nearly 3 weeks now, I'm really missing the peace of mind and not at all enjoying the return of testosterone.
This week is gonna be hard and of course the same goes for the first week post-op, my next injection won't be allowed until May 3rd.
That sounds really tough. Hang in there. You are really close. Easy for me to say but yea, go you.
Joanna
Thanks Joanna and you're right, I'm nearly there.
This week has been an interesting mix between moments of happiness with a lot accomplished and abject fear that I'm still falling short of the goals I need to hit. Thursday night I was a good bit short of the mark i needed to hit in the quality of my show display and even after an early start this morning to pickup additional lighting at home depot, I was terrified and on edge, fearing I'd not put things together well enough to hit the necessary mark.
However in the afternoon I began to really rack up some interest in my work and the event has gone well. It's great to feel those worries melt away, knowing the time and money invested are working out.
For peeps in the Boston area wanting to take in some art work I'm exhibiting here Saturday and Sunday:
https://www.societyofcrafts.org/craftboston I'm in booth #222.
Good luck in Boston. As a person who works in the arts I can say it's a breath of relief when offers start coming in. I am full time seasonal as part of my gig but it means I have 2-3 months off contract that I have to fill in.
Do you go through NY state at all?
Warmly,
Joanna
Joanna, thanks and yes, it's not easy work and I really have worked my butt off these last few years to push a vision that's been well responded to at this show. I was drawing interest from serious collectors yesterday so to have the people who really know the work responding is pretty big for me.
No trip through NY, this is local for me. I might get in a trip to Corning this summer, TBD
Thanks and hugz
Sadie's art is spectacular! I went to the show and now I'm on the train home. Great day to be in Boston.
Hugs, Devlyn
Thanks Dev! It was great to see you! I really appreciated your coming by.
It's a really well run event and I'm glad I did it :-)
I'm waiting on my flight (arrived 2 hours early to minimize traffic and security hassles)
Dr Wittenberg and her office and my PCP's office have been amazing with helping handle last minute details, especially with multiple iterations of finding a way to have my prescriptions for post op written in CA filled in MA.
My conversation with Heidi last week was surprisingly short but we'd really covered everything when we originally talked in October.
So now just have to get on the flight, catch a shuttle to Marin and try to sleep tonight (I'd knock wood if I weren't in an airport.
Hugs everyone, thanks again for everyone's thoughts and support.
Im so proud of you Sadie, you deserve everything great :)!!
Quote from: SadieBlake on April 25, 2017, 08:06:20 AM
I'm waiting on my flight (arrived 2 hours early to minimize traffic and security hassles)
Dr Wittenberg and her office and my PCP's office have been amazing with helping handle last minute details, especially with multiple iterations of finding a way to have my prescriptions for post op written in CA filled in MA.
My conversation with Heidi last week was surprisingly short but we'd really covered everything when we originally talked in October.
So now just have to get on the flight, catch a shuttle to Marin and try to sleep tonight (I'd knock wood if I weren't in an airport.
Hugs everyone, thanks again for everyone's thoughts and support.
Good luck!!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Seeing as it is 2:12 eastern time now I suspect that the surgery is done. And on that note.... YAY!!! You made girl, you! on your own :)!!! I am so happy and proud of ya!, hope to hear from you soon and the whole experience!!
Yours truly- Ashley!
In recovery, hapoy
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1279.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fy537%2FDevlynMarie%2FModstuff%2Fp120128b_zps5bb84833.jpg&hash=392b515c1c1b611e038eedc089df3bda42da5ccb)
Big hug! I'm so happy for you!
Hugs, Devlyn
Congrats!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
In recovery, hapoy
Fabulous. Wishing you a wonderful recovery X
Congratulations!
Congratulations :) :) :)
Congrats heal quickly girl.
My GF (was) about to pick me up from the 2 day stay at the recovery facility, most of the discharge paperwork has been done so rsn I'll be out of here. Predictably I tapered off of the Percocet yesterday, the pain isn't all that bad and I've taken some Tylenol to get myself down to sf. This post turned lomger as we arrived and got stuff dome.
Tylenol alone was sufficient to the task at hand and so I'm ensconced.at an airbnb in the Haight, dreaming of glass color incompatibilities -- not fun when combined with diarrhea.
Well recovery hasn't been the easiest, I'm getting by and things are improving steadily if slowly. Maybe I'll talk about that in a future post.
Returning to the original title of the thread (b4 I changed it)
Going through with gender confirmation surgery? As I'd feared and as Dena expressed I was having a wave of doubts even as the anesthesiologist was getting started, thinking
QuoteOmg in twenty seconds I'll be under and will be surrendering any control and they're about to take my testicles etc out
And then I felt a pair of hands holding my left hand, I knew before even looking over it was Heidi, she'd shook my hand when she had arrived.a and so I knew to expect cold hands.
I can't say how much difference that made. I'm told the procedure went well and took under 3-1/2 hours. And I'm glad in every way that I chose the doc I did for a lot of objective reasons.
Sttill that one little thing really put it over the top for me, the woman taking responsibility for such a big change in my life simply holding my hand as I went under made a huge difference in how it felt to be letting go of control.
1st post op appointment was today :-)
Packing all removed, that was easy. Foley removed and I had no problem peeing :-) the results look great! Inner and outer labia seem well defined and my clitoris is shy but visible.
Heidi said she got 16cm of depth, dilation was easy and I was way past all the markings on the #1 soul source unit.
The only standing problem may be that at the deepest spot, the neovaginal wall isn't fully attached to the vaginal canal and so I'm supposed to dilate longer than they usually have ppl do. I have the ok to go to the blue dilator if that seems ok and I'm supposed to dilate up to a half hour where they usually want 10 minutes, this is to convince that skin at the full depth point to heal better.
Yay! Success (knocking wood)
I'll bet you can't wait to give this new sports car a drive...
Quote from: Steph Eigen on May 04, 2017, 04:49:56 PM
I'll bet you can't wait to give this new sports car a drive...
Haha Steph, :-)
Well the only real hint like that was when I woke up about 3 days ago from a nap and was just about to orgasm. I immediately drew back, terrified of having a contraction around the packing and bolster dressing.
Right now the whole area is numb at best, quite tender and sore at worst and so while I'm able to dilate ok and it's not extremely painful to dilate, any thought of getting sexual with the new layout really isn't doing a lot for me.
Most satisfying moment yet was from my gf --
"That sure looks like a vagina, I wasn't ok sure what to expect" as she helped me guide in the soul source purple dilator the first time I did it back "home" when the numbness was really throwing off my sense of where things were.
Dilation
Because my doc wanted me stepping up to the blue ss dilator right away, I've been using for the 2nd and 3rd dilations daily, not wanting to be so aggressive on the one after sleeping overnight.
It's been fine, takes me just a few seconds to ease in the purple and I've been leaving it in place for 5-10 minutes before then bumping to blue. So far the blue just needs a little more time to get to full depth, maybe 30+ seconds. I don't have any feeling like I'm stretching until I get to the last inch of depth.
My gf is now always using feminine pronouns with me and it doesn't feel forced, I'm glad to have chosen to let this happen "organically".
More progress. On Sunday I discovered the hard way that trying for a walk without Percocet was a bad idea (did a shade under 1/2 mile with a stop for coffee). I returned just feeling defeated, sobbing and sorely missing Cambridge, friends, home.
A second walk Sunday evening went better, 1 Percocet made a huge difference, I had dinner at a nice & cheap Chinese place and made it back feeling fine.
Yesterday (Mon) I had enough leftovers (mushroom risotto my gf had made in the place in Haight and mar po tofu from Sunday) to just spend the day in. I slept more than I'd have thought possible without even a walk, yes kinda bored but still quite able to sleep 12 hours and nearly slept thru the night, waking to pee only once. No painkillers and taking a healthy dose of ibuprofen to minimize swelling.
Today I'm feeling recharged a bit and about to go get breakfast in the center of Castro.
Yay for me! It's not easy but it's happening. I even read a bit of erotica -- 99.9% of the last 2 weeks I've felt 100% asexual due to fatigue and pain. I've had to just remember that it's gonna be worth it and I'm gonna be happy in ways that weren't possible before. Tickling my erotic brain is immediately happy for my sense of wellness.
Wow, One steep at a time. Every day better than the last I hope.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. You are going through the last part of transition I have left and I check every day hoping for an update.
Anyway, through the boredom or pain or whatever your day brings, I will be right here.
Thanks Michelle! And yeah this is the first day I haven't slept during the day and I'm completely fagged, about to fall asleep. I was able to walk at something more like a normal pace today, that's nice to feel and my appetite is back so I'm eating something like normal meals now. Need to get weighed at tomorrow's appointment, I think I must have dropped about 10 lbs.
So tired right now, g'nighters all
My Wednesday 2 week followup appointment with dr Wittenberg went great and my entire day was brightened by a local Susan's member who spotted me a ride from the airbnb to Marin, shared coffee and then dropped me back with friends in mission terrace where I'm staying for the remaining week of recovery.
At the appointment dr Wittenberg noted that yes, there's slightly more than normal swelling (I'd been sitting or standing for 2+ hours at that point with a bit if quality horizontal time on the couch in the brownstein crane waiting room.
The neovagina has essentially healed, including a section at full depth where the pi skin hadn't fully stuck to the wall. I'd been dilating for 30 minute intervals and using the blue dilator when I felt up to it. Now I am ok to just continue with 10 minute sessions (I'm doing 15 because over achiever) and I'm still able to use the blue but not sweating it every time.
I definitely still fatigue quickly. I made a trip across town yesterday (no pain meds this time) and visited with a friend who's doing a bit of a career change, made a stop for maxi pads --- thanks everyone for the tip on Always brand! Then I headed back to where I'm staying with a stop at a local taqueria for lunch. I decided to walk the half mile back to my friends and did regret that a little but also definitely survived.
That left me pretty fatigued and i lay down while Mike fixed dinner, waited for his wife to get in and enjoyed family time with their 3 yo daughter a bit frazzled by her long day at preschool but happy and a tired little bundle of energy.
Then I was again out like a light at 9pm. Woke at 2 am and dilation was fine and easy.
Now I think it's time to sleep again. I'm doing a lot of that still
P.s. second post op estradiol injection yesterday, feels so good to have that back!
And I did indeed take off 12-13 lbs. I'll be glad if most of that stays off, only time of course will tell there.
And I can just fall asleep on my stomach now, no discomfort there
Sadie, it sounds like you are healing very quickly. That's some major surgery, affecting the body core, with a huge impact on a person. Strength will return over the next few months, so don't try to be an overacheiver in the next few weeks. Just let yourself heal up.
Sleep is good, and being able to roll onto your stomach, wonderful. (I had bladder surgery several years back. Similar impact to GCS, but a less interesting, if useful outcome. But 3 weeks with a Foley catheter! Ow.)
Take care, now!
Ouch, 3 weeks of a Foley would verily suck :-(. Yes I seem to be healing well (forgot to take ibuprofen last night and realized mid morning that's why things were feeling a bit more ouchy / swollen). Anyhow, I'm taking today as a mostly horizontal and see how that compares to the last few which have all included 2-4 hours out and doing some stuff (yesterday was pretty awesome, spent a couple of hours in the shop of a local glass artist and really enjoyed seeing his particular take on technique and design.
This morning I played around with exploring some erotic feelings and it felt good to feel a little bit aroused. Being continually sore down there isn't easy - dr Wittenberg warned me about depression in the month of post-op and so I'm trying to stay engaged in ways that aren't too prone to building fatigue.
I missed a dilation yesterday so gaps of 13, 14 hours between the last two and yet everything went fine. It was a shade tighter getting in but still under a half minute. I did increase the duration back up to 30' to accommodate the longer time between.
I'm a little worried that my labial swelling hasn't much gone down, I'm sure it's all going to be all ok in the long run and it's easier to feel good about the outcome as pain subsides and my energy is slowly increasing.
Feeling a bit more energetic today (and not having forgotten ibuprofen) I'm out for a visit to my favorite SF neighborhood, Hayes Valley where I've just finished a spectacular decaf espresso at blue bottle coffee and about to go pickup some lunch and then scout out some bread and cheese requested by the friend I'm staying with.
I even did some upper body exercise this morning. Still sore "down there" but it's manageable.
It sounds like you are healing up pretty well. The easy dialation sounds pretty nice, compared to some of the other experiences we read about. It might get a little harder around 4-6 weeks out as scar tissue tries to form. Soft tissue tightens a bit as the collagen fibers form and tighten, but the dilation combats that like massaging other areas might.
It's great to hear that you are getting out into the neighborhoods and exploring a bit. Blue Bottle is just the best. They've turned brewing a pour-over into a whole ritual, which I find sort of amusing to watch. (They're as bad as I am about brewing coffee just right! My kind of OCD...). The varietal coffees they have are always interesting, and I really enjoy seeing how the flavors can vary.
Just don't overdo it on the exercise! Heal up, Sadie. :)
Sadie,
I am sorry I have been so busy lately, I missed most of your surgery and recovery. Work just nailed me for 2 weeks or more. I just caught up.
Sounds like you are in great shape. Good to hear. Thanks for sharing and keep up the recovery.
Warmly,
Joanna
Thanks Joanna and no worries, we all understand busy.
Yes things are well, the last couple days I've been quite a bit more sore down there and takes to a nurse at brownstein Crane who said yes, it's from some nerves making new connections and probably after effects of a more active Sunday.
Really appreciate everyone's support.
Whew, back to the blue dilator this morning after a couple of days of only purple and only 2 dilations yesterday. Took a little longer to get it in but still less than a minute so I'll certainly not be complaining. I fly home this afternoon so this is the last travel ordeal before being reunited with my partner and my cats - who will doubtless be punishing me for having been away so long.
My last post op appointment went great yesterday, I still love Dr Wittenberg! She did a fairly thorough cleanup of protein/wbc accumulation around the labia and along the suture lines. Ouchy but feeling better today.
I've bought extra thin pads for the flight as sitting on the thickness of a full pad has been an annoyance and I'm stuck on the flight for 5.5 hours.
Wish me luck friends, last big pull for this trip.
Sadie,
Good luck!
I hope the waiting, boarding and flight goes easily. I get the impression that is the hardest part for some girls. A positive outlook always helps so keep a smile going if you can.
Take care of yourself and I hope the arrival home is not too fraught with cat rage.
Warmly,
Joanna
Have a good flight home. Do check that your mini pad stays in place and doesn't get too soaked before you change.
Thanks Joanna, mm! I've done everything I can to smooth the way, will board early etc.
And I've got plenty of underwear including 2 pr of the mesh panties provided by the hospital in hand so I anticipate even if there are some leaks -- there will be, I test drove the thin ones yesterday I'm pretty well prepared and won't be afraid of popping one of my breakthrough pain oxycodones if necessary.
Sadie, have a safe flight home! Don't forget your donut. ;)
I hope you enjoyed your visit to San Francisco and Marin. It's a good place to be for recovering from surgery. Heal well, and I hope you find great success with your amazing glasswork talent!
Sadie, have a great flight home! Say hi to the kitties, they'll only punish you for a little while.
Sadie,
Thinking about you. Hope there is no turbulence. I am wondering what's worse a 5 1/2 flight or a 3 hour car ride. Guess we will be able to swap stories soon.
I find myself also wondering if you are singing "I left my _____ in San Francisco". Could be a new twist to an old song.lol
Moni
Home, arrived around 1am, cats are all around and I'm just glad to be here. I'm getting in the last dilation of the day and aside from a little hot it's so very good to be home.
The first half of the flight was actually worse than the second half, I was tolerably comfortable for the last 2 hours.
I'm a little concerned that my dilators all got some scuff marks worn in from vibration in the flight cargo area.
As ever, thanks everyone for your amazing support.
Omg, just being home is so nice. It's a bit overly hot in Cambridge and I'm fine with that.
My friends were amazing to put me up but it's difficult feeling you're imposing and their precocious toddler and 2 month old puppy are a hell of a handful to deal with while just trying to wade through the steps of daily recovery.
Labia swelling is coming down (yay!) And things are still painful but the flight home wasn't as traumatic as I'd expected. I'm taking today slowly as recovery from the day of traveling and that feels just fine.
So one day at a time, it's all feeling much better now
Quote from: SadieBlake on May 19, 2017, 12:46:31 AM
I'm a little concerned that my dilators all got some scuff marks worn in from vibration in the flight cargo area.
There are several ways to shine plastic including a cloth buffing wheel with jewelers rouge but you might be able to use auto rubbing compound to remove the worst of it.
As I noted in another post, pain is up a bit, mostly the suture lines. I think this is because per the surgeon's request I'm caring for those areas more aggressively (hydrogen peroxide and keeping dressing to absorb exudate). Needless to say I'd really like things to move along, still on balance I feel better today and went into my office to pickup a check from a sale that happens while I was away and say high to people.
Michelle P, you were right about things tightening up some wrt dilation. It's now taking a bit more work to get both the purple and blue ss dilators to full depth. On the other hand dilation itself isn't meaningfully more painful than it was last week so I think all is good. I'm not, however risking any missed dilation times and focused on doing them on even intervals.
All other things have been great, my trans bff was over to visit and we have had both a brunch and a dinner with my older daughter, so pretty good days.
Nearly 5 weeks post op, I am going to have a go at some work this week.
Ok, there's been some improvements; swelling is definitely down - not gone but reduced substantially. Pain has also moderated and I seem to be ok on 3 doses of ibuprofen in a day rather than 4-5. Discharge is only slightly reduced but again, the trend is positive.
My daughter has also been by a fair amount before heading back to school and then her new job. It's been great to connect and I was glad to talk with her in some more depth about transition than we've done so far.
Thursday I finally got back into the studio to blow glass, I kept the work light and kept it to 4 hours rather than the usual 6. Not surprisingly afterwards, I was completely beat, came home, collapsed and was asleep by 8:30 and asleep as early Friday night.
As far as process goes, I've been in contact with Dr Wittenberg, the only complication has been where the left suture line opened op just above the fourchette and that's taking some time but improving day by day.
I have no idea if any of this is connected but yesterday a whole lot of ugly mucus decided to come out of the vaginal area and this morning I was feeling tired, and when I went to change maxipad and the dressing on the suture was surprised to see a fair amount of blood. I guess my last dilation was a bit more uncomfortable but there was no sign of bleeding immediately after but anyway it's nothing alarming, more like surprising.
Anyhow, progress and I'm taking it quite easy today <sigh/>
The words I've dreaded seeing
Post op infection at an opening in the left hand suture line.
At least I know what to look for and caught it right off, now I can look forward to 10 days on keflex.
I'm not happy about this :-(. At 5 weeks post op I was supposed to be out of the woods.
Big hug! I'm sorry to hear that, Sadie. As you say, good that it was caught early.
Hugs, Devlyn
Thanks Dev, feeling better this morning and of course now something has decided to start bleeding again, can't tell if it's inside the vaginal canal or the clitoral area :-(. It seems to just come and go, no pattern I can figure out.
Last night I was feeling pretty bleak but this morning feeling more philosophical, I've been on keflex before and don't remember any particular ill effects and it seems to be working already.
Quote from: SadieBlake on June 03, 2017, 11:49:52 PM
I'm not happy about this :-(. At 5 weeks post op I was supposed to be out of the woods.
Until the sutures fully dissolve, it's a possible source of infection. The good news is commonly they do this about week 5 or 6 so you should be pretty well out of the woods. At least your half way through most of the healing so maybe the rest will be smooth sailing.
Well, progress.
I survived the 10 days on keflex, unfortunately Heidi wants me on a new course of the stuff until the area by the fourchette where the sutures had opened up is fully healed, I'll dutifully pick that up today. I think the risk of reinfection is vanishingly small and I know the keflex is going to bring back some fatigue but she's right, it's the smart, conservative choice.
I also realized that I really need to keep up with eating gelatin and other collagen forming supplements. It seems to improve healing as well as keeping the pain down.
From the email I sent the surgical nurse Tuesday: both late last night and early this morning I found 2" long strings of apparently dead skin hanging from the posterior of the neovaginal wall. I cut it with scissors, you can see the remaining end in the photo.
I noticed after this happened the quite rank odor of the vaginal discharge had lessened. Then yesterday on one of my breaks to change maxipad / dressing, there was like a teaspoon worth of skin/sludge shed onto the pad. Eeewwwwww! And after that, my vagina doesn't smell ... well it smells like it should. Such a relief.
Speaking of breaks, yes I worked a full day of blowing glass yesterday. I'd worked short (4 hour) days the prior two Thursdays and one Saturday and been so wiped out that the only thing I could do after was lay down for 15 minutes to recover some and then drag myself to the university entrance and hail an Uber I can ill afford to get home. Yesterday I had enough energy to walk myself the ½ mile to the bus stop. It wasn't as pleasant or quick as blowing $15 on a ride but it did get me home. To be sure, I was still fatigued and fell asleep early. But there was some more good news, I slept from 9:30 right thru to 5 am which is a first and in another first the vaginal discharge was light enough that it didn't overflow the pad into my panties.
So I feel at week 7 post op like I've turned a significant corner. There have been a lot of smaller corners turned along the way but this one feels huge. Oh and the cat just stepped on my crotch and there was no stabbing pain, another first :-)
Big hug! So the pussy stepped on your pu.....oh, hey, look at the time! I have to run. ;D
Hugs, Devlyn
Yeah, 16# cat, she just came back and stepped dead square on my still healing (neo)clitoris.
Yikes!
Hi, Sadie! I've heard of the skin thing before, with the old layers of dead epidermis sloughing off as the dermis regenerates and adjusts to its new environment. It often sloughs off in tiny light colored pieces we won't notice, but a good tough hide can slide off intact! Sort of gross, but a normal part of healing. Good to hear the fourchette is healing as well. (Ow!)
Doing a full day of glasswork is awesome. I'm not surprised you slept well after that! (That would wipe me out without any surgery to recover from. Heck, hanging out with a friend while he worked glass for 6 hours back in college got to me just from the heat and strange air in the studio.)
Congratulations on your relatively fast recovery. Determination and care has something to do with it, I'm sure. 😼
Huge progress this week!
First, dilation Friday afternoon was feeling pretty good so I had a go at masturbation. I put in a plain old dildo (feels so much better than those hard plastic things), and spent the next 20 minutes listening to something very erotic while fingering my mons and occasionally penetrating myself actively with the silicone toy.
There was no orgasm and that was fine, the pain from various places is still there and my clitoris while surely fully innervated, was feeling more super sensitive/prickly and definitely not fun to touch. However I sure had a nice buzz and enjoyed basking in feeling sexy for a change and it was great that I didn't need to suspend disbelief or force it in order to feel some pleasure :-).
Second my vaginal discharge is hugely reduced, the odor is completely gone and no sign of bleeding, where mid week I was still soaking out a maxipad in 4 hours. Since that last big chunk of skin was shed, the flow has reduced to the point the pads are barely damp after 5-6 hours. This morning I went out with just a panty liner, so much more comfortable and wearing pretty rather than just functional underwear for the first time in nearly 2 months :-).
And I'm no longer needing ibuprofen, just took two doses yesterday and only experienced minor discomfort.
Biggest problem I'm feeling right now is because there's still an unhealed area where the left side sutures separated Heidi put me on another course of keflex I am not fond of taking antibiotics as prophylaxis but doc's orders :-(. Oh and I may have a bunch of maxipads I don't have a use for, at least as I was downsizing I went with smaller packages :-).
8 weeks post op today.
More strides to healing. I can sit with moderate comfort on any surface, haven't needed ibuprofen in several days and I just had a look at the area of the left suture line that's been open and it has nearly fully closed - huge improvement since just yesterday :-).
Yesterday I got myself off again, again no orgasm but it felt really good and I have no doubt I'll be orgasmic in good time.
And I'm finally able to look at myself in the mirror wearing something revealing and feel good about myself. This is something that hadn't even been on my radar. I historically just avoid mirrors and suddenly I actually like what I see.
I hadn't thought to hope for that. I guess denial has been a stronger force than I'd allowed.
Hugs everyone and thanks bunches, as ever.
Sadie,
So happy to hear the progress report. I like the idea of liking the mirror, it has not been my friend either. I cannot go out in leggings until the bulge is gone. Insecurity, I guess. I am wondering how long it is comfortable to sit for. It is without the donut right? How is the energy level? I know it is better, but do you still gets wiped out with much activity, or too many days of pushing it? Take care!
Moni
Moni, yes and I know how many trans women avoid the mirror, I just hadn't realized I was one of them, just how deeply this had affected me really is a surprise. The next thing you know I might start caring enough to work on passing. I put my hair in a French braid today, that felt good also.
As for sitting, I stopped using the donut ring a couple of weeks ago. To sit on a bench to work I need to be properly anchored and so since the beginning of June I've used a pair of pads made with folded newspaper and a gap between and for other things I've been sitting on a folded notebook as a pad that can be under one butt cheek or the other. This week I can pretty much just sit and theres a tiny bit of discomfort -- things are clearly still a bit swollen.
My energy was back to close to normal a week ago when I was off keflex for a whole day, if I hadn't been put back onto a prophylactic course I think my energy level would be back to 100%. I know the fatigue that goes with the antibiotic and it's different.
This week I'm hankering to get back on a bike -- I know Heidi isn't going to allow that for a couple more weeks but it I can feel it's going to be ok soon. Once I'm off keflex, I plan to get to the rock climbing gym -- I need to get back the strength that lower activity has invariably cost me.
It's been another week of steady if slow progress.
Healing progresses, my energy is definitely better and I had sex with my gf this morning.
Pretty happy girl here :-)
p.s. I also have now fingered myself pretty deeply. That experience is mixed. The shape inside definitely doesn't feel much like a natal female's vagina. This is certainly no surprise, I'd more or less worked out that what the surgeons can do isn't going to really match. I'm still quite happy with the outcome.
Something else new this week, for 2 decades now there have been more styles of panties that I couldn't wear than I could. Either because the <shenis> or testicles would fall out making the dysphoria worse or the weight of same would cause the underwear to ride down my hips and ultimately fall off. That's so much a thing of the past; I can wear any style all day and they simply stay put.
I hadn't realized how good that would feel and so on the strength of just this today I went out dressed in a simple knit skirt. I didn't care a whit what strangers thought of me and back home now I'm simply happy. I hadn't been out in public en femme in many years and now it's just easy. No bulge to hide, simply able to wear something feminine and not a worry in the world about it.
Quote from: SadieBlake on June 27, 2017, 03:08:18 PM
Something else new this week, for 2 decades now there have been more styles of panties that I couldn't wear than I could. Either because the <shenis> or testicles would fall out making the dysphoria worse or the weight of same would cause the underwear to ride down my hips and ultimately fall off. That's so much a thing of the past; I can wear any style all day and they simply stay put.
I hadn't realized how good that would feel and so on the strength of just this today I went out dressed in a simple knit skirt. I didn't care a whit what strangers thought of me and back home now I'm simply happy. I hadn't been out in public en femme in many years and now it's just easy. No bulge to hide, simply able to wear something feminine and not a worry in the world about it.
This.... I remember walking into work shortly after my GCS wearing a fairly light dress. The wind was blowing pretty strong and pushed my dress against me pretty tightly. I remember thinking oh wow! No need to worry about there being any bulge showing. It was a moment of liberation!!
Now I'm pretty certain this experience would be No Big Deal for many (most?) of us, today was another first for me.
I went out again, same skirt but this time took a bus & train and a good bit of walking. This certainly made me a lot more self conscious 'cause still not passing, beard etc.
Afaics, nobody so much as looked twice. -- well until I arrived at the lab to do some work where it was my first time in wearing a skirt so of course my friends, lab mates noticed but no comments either way.
A small thing but definitely a good day. We also stopped in at my favorite bar on the way home where I had my second beer in 9+ weeks. That was lovely.
Really Sadie you've hit it. 😊
I want it so bad just to wake every day and not feel the incongruity. It's getting closer every day.
Thank you for the continued updates. 😘 It has made a difference.
Michelle, you're welcome of course and thanks for saying this. I'd been a member of this site 20 years ago and stopped coming when I decided against medical transition. Returning last year when I'd been on hrt for 3 months and badly needed to verify what things had changed in both the details of surgery and the approval process to be permitted.
I have to say some of the help was spotty, in particular, validating my memories of surgery details from the late '90s came indirectly through another site, information on HRT and especially learning people's experiences on HRT and of their surgeries has been amazingly helpful.
And just the emotional support, sharing feelings, histories joys and difficulties has been the most important part. The members here are really good about being there for each other.
So while I'm nearly done with transition, I'll be here a little longer, I feel it's important to give back as much as possible. Hearing that it makes a difference is important.
I'm glad if you are getting closer, hugs and if you have anything specific at all I can help with don't hesitate to say :-).
Well so much for being out in a skirt and not being hassled.
This evening some >-bleeped-< in a car shouting "is that a kilt?" and then yelling at me for a block when he wasn't happy with the answer.
<Sigh>. Had to happen eventually. Right now my harassment rate is once per every 2 miles of walking, I sure hope it's not that often over time.
You wants for I should make him disappear, boss? >:-) :icon_suspicious:
Big hug! Loudmouths are gonna show their stuff. That's their problem.
Hugs, Devlyn
Haha, would that I could have disappeared every bully along the way.
Yeah, it's their loss, it's a pity to be mean, ignorant, bigoted.
Hugs back Dev
Today it's off to Belfast Maine to see my daughter and then Portland for some work with a friend.
Well, here I am, nearly 10 weeks post op: copied from the email update I sent to Wittenberg today.
QuoteThings continue to improve, the opening in the sutures is clearly closing with time. Working slows it down I guess because the area is always moving, and sitting for extended periods simply irritates but I seem to tolerate all that ok.
I worked a full day Friday, drove 9 hours Saturday and had another full workday Sunday, even finished a large piece -- it was good to be finally doing some strenuous work. And predictably, I was quite tired at the end of each day, vaginal discharge increased and my labia are a bit in pain from lots of moving about and pressure of sitting. However i feel fine, if tired today.
Dilation is going fine and I tolerate days that only give me time to dilate twice ok, just takes a while to find full depth -- see prior email.
I masturbated yesterday morning and while things were sore from 2 active days and there was some blood from my clitoral hood but it surely felt nice and even after 2 fairly full days, it was clear that a lot more healing has happened since last time.
Today I'm off to my uni's IT department where an old friend is going to help setup changing my email to my real name. I have to keep my gmail account with my old name for a while because of family i don't care to be out to; having my professional email corrected will be sufficient for now.
Aside from all that I've been worrying a bit for our sister Moni, knowing she's doing fine and also remembering well the hard parts about recovery and healing
Huge albeit detail progress today. My main remaining concern has been for that small section of the suture line that had opened to heal. I began to see that it was beginning to close last week and while the 3 hard days I put in Fri - Sun made everything quite sore, healing did seem to continue. So being sore and fatigued, I've taken a couple of down days and low and behold:
That pocket has closed. I'm not gonna say it's healed yet but it's clearly very nearly so.
I'm so damned happy right now :-). This means real soon now I can recommence swimming (need to get a bathing suit), and maybe soon after that, cycling (I figure this last bit needs a bit more time for the collagen repairs to really be done before I want to sit on a saddle).
All things taken together, I'm really happy about GCS. My aesthetics are good, if not a pornstar vagina. There have been some small complications but it looks like I'm coming away without any necrosis and so far no tissue granulation/proudflesh.
So nearly back to normal, it's a good day :-)
Yea, Sadie that sounds great. So happy for you and so thankful for all your advice.
Moni
Thanks honey and of course! Xxoo
Another Saturday, another really good session of masturbation :-). The silicone toy I inserted causes only the tiniest bit of bleeding, pain was less all over and I got far closer to an orgasm-y place before stroking of still-healing bits brought pain up to more than pleasure -- I was also running out of time for playing <sigh> and I caught my ride in to work and am soon to go off and be productive.
I'm still most able to enjoy rubbing my mons, putting pressure on the clitoris which is still too sensitive to enjoy direct stimulation. Various areas ofy labia are either too sore to enjoy stimulation or too numb. I'm also pretty sure I'll be going in for anal penetrative sex with a partner before vaginal. That feels a little like an admission of defeat, as capacity to have PIV intercourse has been on of my motivations for vaginoplasty; then again I think the emotional feeling of receptive anal is going to be very different than it was when having a <shenis> was pretty dysphoric in that context.
And this week I'm working more hours than I've tried before -- by about 50% we did an extra hour Thursday in addition to which I started up the lab equipment which requires arriving 90min early. I've also spent all my time out up to today in a skirt, today it's femme cut pants because skirts aren't allowed in the lab I'm heading to.
I'm nearly done with worrying for happymoni - so glad she's doing better and still feeling the empathy for her recovery process that I traveled so recently.
Vaginal discharge is less every week and I'm even wondering now if I've bought more pantyliners than I'm going to need. I do marvel at how long it's going to take to get to a place that's "normal". I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be feeling up to penetrative sex until something like 4 months post op and I'll be surprised if labial swelling will be down enough that I don't have to think about the process of sitting down, getting up at the three month point (I'm going to be disappointed if that's not resolving by 4 months).
On a very bright note, I continue to marvel at how good it feels to be able to just put on almost any pair of panties and konw they'll feel right. Thongs are waiting for things to be just a bit less sensitive but those are pretty soon to be workable also.
And at long last, I am able to wear a thong, the discharge is reduced enough that that's now practical.
One more step along the way, sometimes it's the little things that matter most :-).
Wow, Sadie. What great progress and more than a few "minor corners". Work had me off for well over a month and am only just catching up. It is all so encouraging too. I am looking forward to not worrying about what I can wear and shifting of anything.
I need to check up on Moni. I had forgotten that she had surgery while I was gone.
I agree about glass blowing taking it out of one( without experience). I tried b>-bleeped-<ipes for a while and was just floored at the lung capacity needed and how dizzy and tired I would get. I've since moved on to torture guitars.
Take care and keep up the great progress.
With warmth,
Joanna
Well that had to be a sight, woman with beard running down street skirt flying signalling driver to stop. Happily I did make the bus, the next one wasn't for another 20 minutes.
So much for trying not to attract attention, blend in eh?
On the bright side having not had much sleep the night before, last night I was out like a light at 9 and slept well. If I'd had to blow glass yesterday it wouldn't have gone well at all.
Here's a thing, with post surgical pain subsiding I'm finding I pretty routinely feel horny now. Like just walking around or riding the bus, here I am getting wet, thinking about sex. For all people talk about men thinking of sex all the time, while I was always very sexual in my male body I didn't ever think about sex during my day. And even now it's not that I started thinking about it, rather my labia and clitoris now just seem to wake up and demand attention at random times.
Sadie is a very happy girl just now :-)
Quote from: SadieBlake on July 13, 2017, 06:45:54 AM
Here's a thing, with post surgical pain subsiding I'm finding I pretty routinely feel horny now. Like just walking around or riding the bus, here I am getting wet, thinking about sex. For all people talk about men thinking of sex all the time, while I was always very sexual in my male body I didn't ever think about sex during my day. And even now it's not that I started thinking about it, rather my labia and clitoris now just seem to wake up and demand attention at random times.
Sadie is a very happy girl just now :-)
Ohhhh Sadie, how I hope I am following in your footsteps. :)
Moni
Kind of a big day today. I started with introducing Ms Green dilator to my neovagina and was so very glad that after 5 minutes of blue, insertion was easy and painless. So, yay! I'm on schedule, 12 weeks is this Tuesday :-). The last time I'd tried to introduce green had been 3 weeks ago and that alhad been clearly too early - hurty and clearly not ready. Because the blue dilator only prepares me for a dildo that's not one of my favorite shapes, I'm really glad to be upping a size at last.
The other thing ISI got myself to my favorite climbing gym and pulled in plastic for a while. I'm every bit as weak as I'd expected after 12 weeks of little hard exercise but it's all good of course and getting back to it is the start to being strong again.
And now I feel a whole new motivation. I'd love to get svelte enough to look good climbing in a sport bra and capris. That would suggest dropping maybe 25 lbs, and body fat % <20.
In theory I could do that by next spring,
I'm suitably sore, especially forearms of course using muscles I haven't in a long while and it goes without saying I haven't been this weak climbing in a very long time.
This is the way back to strong (and while I workout for strength, not bulk, I don't mind having upper body strength, in fact I depend on it for many of the pleasures in my life.
I hope to be swimming by the end of the week, biking soon after that :-).
Sadie,
You are a feaking dynamo. I hope to follow those footsteps. (kinda have a thing about heights though so can I not climb and maybe bike and sail? Probably not as intensive, oh, well).
Moni,
I love your new avatar.
Warmly,
Joanna
Joanna, kind of you to say, it's always relative right? Eight years ago I culminated a season that had included 5 100+ mile rides with back to back weekends riding 155 in hilly terrain and 90deg temps followed by 135 Boston to Provincetown.
Year before that I did a half iron distance triathlon as a warm-up, switched to training for climbing and spent 3 weeks at 7000-13000 feet altitude in the eastern Sierra ascending a total of 32000 feet of altitude gain.
I'll likely never be back in that kind of shape, in the past 5-6 years my riding has reduced to sporadic commuting, haven't done over 15 miles in a day in a long while or any serious climbing.
Wish me luck with being back in the saddle, I've spent plenty of time talking to female training partners about saddle contact with lady bits, should be interesting.
Quote from: SadieBlake on July 13, 2017, 06:45:54 AM
Well that had to be a sight, woman with beard running down street skirt flying signalling driver to stop. Happily I did make the bus, the next one wasn't for another 20 minutes.
Sadie,
What is the long term plan for your beard? The humor in this recent situation is irresistible: Skirt and beard sounds like it calls for the addition of b
>-bleeped-<ipes... You might be misgendered... uhhh, mispatriated* as Scotish!
Steph
*if there is such a word, if not, my own neologism; think along the lines of
expatriated
Quote from: Steph Eigen on July 18, 2017, 12:44:19 PM
Sadie,
What is the long term plan for your beard? The humor in this recent situation is irresistible: Skirt and beard sounds like it calls for the addition of b>-bleeped-<ipes... You might be misgendered... uhhh, mispatriated* as Scotish!
Steph
*if there is such a word, if not, my own neologism; think along the lines of expatriated
Taking me for Sco'ish (
>-bleeped-<e state of affairs that that is) wouldn't be a complete misapprehension, as I'm something just under 1/8 Sco'ish and ken of myself as Sco'ish in the main ;-).
As to the beard, it's mostly grey so it'd have to go by electrolysis, not laser and I don't have the money for that, or insurance that covers.
Same with the bald. No plans to change that either.
Sadie,
Sorry to bring this topic down. Sadie have you noticed any white skin. I have some forming kind of near my clitoris.
Quote from: Jacqueline on July 17, 2017, 11:50:56 AM
Moni,
I love your new avatar.
Warmly,
Joanna
Jacqui, thanks, it looks like I was trying my hand at hooking in that picture. I later found out most folks staying at that motel were gay. Not a good start to a new career. lol U know you signed Joanna, right? Old habits?
Moni
Moni, no nothing like purely white. My clitoris has had a bit of a translucent white on the surface for a long time, nothing else like that. I'm glad to send you a picture and I'll send you my email address, please feel free to send me a snap of the areas that worry you.
Sorely wish I was in a position to give you a ride, hugs honey.
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 18, 2017, 07:56:05 PM
Jacqui, thanks, it looks like I was trying my hand at hooking in that picture. I later found out most folks staying at that motel were gay. Not a good start to a new career. lol U know you signed Joanna, right? Old habits?
Moni
Sadie, sorry I'm rudely addressing Moni on your thread again. I'll be fast.
Sorry to hear your challenges Moni. Yeah, I wish I could help get you down there too...
Actually, today was my first day with the new name. I think I posted that 1-2 days ago. Although I have been worried I would sign incorrectly.
Back to you Sadie.
With warmth,
Jacqueline(I'm being proper now)
Sadie,
Sounds like things are going very well. 😊 I am so happy for you and encouraged by your progress! It seems that you are healing AND gaining sexual feeling at a very good pace. Are you taking a small dose of testosterone along with your estrogen? My doctor will put me on t after from what I can understand of my schedule, I think it is to keep my libido going. Meh, not sure it is necessary. I had a point where my sexual desire dropped but as my testosterone dropped and estrogen went up it slowly increased to where I am back to normal, or close to it. Lol, taking care of it is another issue, wow, it can be difficult sometimes! Thankfully it doesn't bother me that much when it doesn't happen. My bf has no problem at all, has an orgasm every time, that is good enough for me when I can't. Though come on! A little unfair don't you think? "No, no. Go get your coffee. Leave me here tingling all over, trying to catch my breath. You go, I'll clean up when I can move again."
You make me feel like the most underachieving couch potato on the planet though! You are so active! 😁 Wait, I walk to get the mail. Does that count?
Keep being wonderful and heal fast.
Michelle
Michelle thanks, we'll see on the active, that's my intention I'll have to see how the undercarriage holds up to miles in the saddle.
I don't take any testosterone, I have been taking micronized progesterone for about 9 months and it seems to help with libido. I've also found it has some effect on mood and so I've cycled it on a couple weeks, off a couple weeks. Right now I'm taking it until I experience a rough patch, see if cycling really matters.
My testosterone hasn't been checked since GCS but I'll be getting post op measurements next week, I'm guessing it's still at the 18 ng/ml range as before -- probably what's made in the adrenals.
I get what you say about the O. In the last several years of testosterone I hardly ever orgasmed during sex - usually after but getting my gf off was great pleasure, the main event for me. 16 months on estrogen pre-op just pushed the needle farther in that direction :-).
I finally feel ready for penetration with the strapon. I want to be playing with that soon with my gf.
Another small first yesterday I wore a halfslip under my skirt, not that it was really needed I thought I'd enjoy the sensation of a silky layer. I did, it felt nice.
Worked 7 hours, had also done a full day Thursday (we normally blow for 6, add to that getting the shop and equipment started in the morning and cleanup after -- glass studios get messy as you work, time is expensive and so you save cleanup for after your blow time is over.
And healing has finished to the point I can swim, I'm ordering a Tyr suit this morning, I should be swimming laps Friday for the first time ever properly attired. Hope to be biking before August. It's a lovely cooler day here, a heatwave broke overnight and I wish I could get in a ride,. I might just hop onto the saddle for a test ride around the block.
Brief account here. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218064.msg2005838.html#msg2005838 tl;dr I'm no longer a virgin.
Other good news for today, I made a large bowl I'm *really* happy with. Bowls are quite hard in glass and this one hit well in both design and execution / shape details. I finally feel like I'm hitting stride again and some strength is coming back (large bowls are also physically demanding).
Wow! Another huge milestone! I would be jealous but I am so happy for you. :icon_dance: :eusa_clap:
Do you have a web address where I could see your work? Or maybe send me some photos?
I watch the glass blower every year at the Ren Fair, it is so cool. Not sure if what you do is the same thing but that looks very hard to do.
Take care and I look forward to reading more of, "The Life and Times of Sadie Blake; A Tale of Happiness!"
Michelle
Thanks Michelle! Pm sent.
Yep a happier me seems to be here. Funny how my life hasn't changed and yet has.
Another couple of firsts today.
Rode bike and rode wearing a skirt -- sort of didn't intend the latter but some plans changed and I didn't want to go change clothing again before riding to get lunch.
It wasn't exactly easy, and there's a little blood visible on the panty liner at my neocltoral area. I've dropped my saddle about 1" and that's reduced discomfort. I won't be riding any distances but ¼-½ mile at a time seems ok.
I also spent a really fun hour chatting with an old friend. She's one of my first teachers in blowing glass and she's also been away from the work for 4 years due to having a kid and therefore little time to work.
And I go to see my PCP tomorrow to have a look at granulation tissue mainly at the neocltoris. These are the only remaining sources of pain (probably not from the proudflesh itself as that's not innervated.
Thanks for the update Sadie. I can't imagine riding a bike at this point. Not sure when granulation shows up but I wonder if any doc can treat. I mean other than the surgeon.
Moni
Any doc should be fine with it, I guess the patient can do it with washcloth abrasion also, the current method seems to be simply application of silver nitrate. I'm pretty sure I could do it myself but buying AgNO³ would come to more than my co-payment.
I'm pretty sure mounting a bike even at this point wasn't a great idea, not recommended anyone try this at home, I'll let y'all know if it seems to set things back.
It may well be they've said this just to be done with my weekly checkin emails (at 3 months I may be asking for too much hand holding):
via her surgical nurse
QuoteDr. Wittenberg feels it is ok to go back to your normal routine with work and exercise as tolerated. Vaginal intercourse is also ok at this point.
So yay!, I'm effectively cleared for any and all activity. I'm still working out how to find someone to apply silver nitrate :-( turns out my healthcare practice doesn't allow it's use. OTOH a positive point of being at a very large research institution is you have some very practically minded technical people and the dermatologist advised that I shouldn't have too much trouble juad scaring up some of the stuff in a local lab and applying it myself :-).
So a good close to this week, yay!
Sadie,
You are an inspiration for me and I think many members. Keep us updated and thanks for that.
With warmth,
Jacqui
Another first, I biked part way to work today, 4 miles which got me to Harvard square and I then hopped into the trolley for the last couple of miles. I'm definitely feeling a bit touchy, especially on the problematic left side but at least I have proper bike shorts to wear, that really helped and my saddle is well designed to put all your weight directly on the sit bones so pressure wasn't actually much on perineum / labia.
The other thing in the last week or so I'm still finding I'm simply horny a lot of the time. Feeling is slowly returning to my labia and clitoris and I'm kinda conscious of them a lot of the day. Frustratingly, I've yet to get to orgasm -- I suppose that might be contributing to this weird awareness. ... I guess I could make myself some ben wa balls and make it really constant?
First world problems for sure :-)
Sadie,
At this point I can't imagine ever touching that area again. lol Too early, too sore, too numb. (That's what is written on my coat of arms.) Anyway, I think patience is more conducive to orgasm than frustration. I have read many speak of it taking a year. Easier said than done I guess.
Moni
Moni I certainly was avoiding all contact 2 months ago! At that point I'd only inserted a finger when I needed to guide the dilator, everything that wasn't numb was hurting and neither sensation was really welcome!
I'm not feeling any special need for orgasm in sex play, this morning I tried a different approach with a vibrator which was quite wonderful, just didn't lead to the "O" which was fine! The frustrating point is more like when I'm sitting in the library doing some work and unbidden, my vagina is reminding me of the morning excursion.
Patience my ass anyhow! I worked hard for this p*ssy, it's time to let her have some fun :-).
Fun yes, pressure no! My doctor and a few on here speak of it as like a sneeze.( Have you tried pepper yet?) No, actually it seems to make sense in that there is a letting go aspect to it happening rather than a pressure to make it happen kind of thing.
Moni
I got a new bathing suit this week, tank suit for lap swimming and today I went to the campus pool and swam 50 meter laps for a half hour. Not continuous, I've been away from it and 50m is a long way when you're out of practice so resting at the wall today, still I figure I logged a good bit over a half mile.
I probably hadn't swum in probably 6 months, quite a while before my surgery just because I hadn't had much time. First time wearing a feminine suit, first time I've not felt conscious of the wrong genitals visibility walking into the pool deck.
I prefer swimming outdoors and should be getting to that tomorrow but I don't mind just doing laps, feeling suspended by the water. Even enjoying the problems remembering how to breath and stroke efficiently because I'm not a great swimmer, merely adequate. And simply enjoying the only aerobic exercise I know that has no jarring, pounding, really no worries.
Today I used the gender neutral changing room, maybe soon I'll brave the women's locker room.
As planned we swam outside today with my bff, a trans woman I've known a few years now. We were at it for over an hour and now I'm a little sore and very tired indeed.
And I can't believe how good it feels to wear a tank suit, swim and swim and swim, to realize a vagina is right there, feel supported by the water and by my good friend.
I think it's time to dilate and sack out.
And more sex play, I think all the physical activity this week contributed to being extremely horny last night: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218064.msg2011331.html#msg2011331
I've been turning still more corners. In work I've been able to execute a few really good large bowls, bowls are difficult in glass and nailing the difficult shapes well feels really good.
Saturday I took as a relatively down day, i felt a slight cold and decided to devote the day to cooking and reading. We ate well and I felt better for the rest, drove my daughter to Worcester for a wedding she attended.
Sunday I made breakfast, pleasured myself (gf was busy all day) and then headed in to catch a half mile swim in the lap pool and got some welding fabrication work done. Had an amazing mushroom carbonara washed down with a lovely pilsner from my cousin's brewery in Worcester.
I probably went a little too hard with my sexual play and my evening dilation had a fair bit of blood on the dilators :-/.
Sadie,
Wow. You are almost to a normal life. All in under 6 months? I know things continue to shift and become more regular. In a way that is great. In a way, it seems kind of sad. It does get a little tiring at this age to have so many new discoveries. These are all my thoughts. I am not trying to speak for you.
You go girl.
Jacqui
I feel a fair distance from settled yet, not the least thing is clearing up rather a lot of granulation tissue and getting back into some semblance of aerobic condition -- that's harder when I really can't bike distances due to pain where the granulation is still healing.
But thanks, I'm certainly glad for the progress and I know things could have gone far slower and there have been no major problems with recovery.
Fair enough.I stand corrected.
Warmly,
Jacqui
Thanks Jacqui, maybe it sounds silly to not be satisfied but a mere 5 years ago I could lay down a hundred mile bike ride without really thinking about it. Since then I've really not trained due to too much stress elsewhere in my life and focus on career work - which is thankfully quite physical - the current state of affairs is fully expected and I'm just really also impatient to get the healing done to the point I can regain that fitness.
Here I am, dilating and frankly just glad that it's now only twice a day and according to my doc's instructions I could be doing just once but I'm really trying to gain some depth.
The local docs have really been a pain about treating the granulation tissue, I've been referred to the GCS surgeons at BMC but it's a month before I can even get seen to talk about it. Unfrtunately the dermatologist at my healthcare isn't even allowed to use silver nitrate however I have access to the stuff and she gave me some tips on application so I'm just going to go after it myself. I've practiced a few applications to a wart I need to address anyway and will start applying it to the trouble spots with my GF's help this week.
I really miss Heidi Wittenberg, wishing I was SF based but it will all work out :-).
I continue to enjoy wearing skirts out and about and while I'm well behaved (I think the term is ladylike), I just have this overwhelming desire to be bad. I enjoy sitting with my legs apart, knowing if there were someone there I could be flashing them. I guess there's a vulnerability that goes with an open garment that I really enjoy.
While skirts genuinely suck for lack of pockets, the simple ease of taking a skirt off or putting it on is simply a marvel to me. The key thing is I'm not unhappy with my appearance dressed femme now. Wanting to look fetching and sexy is a different thing and I'm just loving being able to wear skirts without having to worry about bulge. Also my gf likes how I'm looking and she's got a decent eye so I trust her response somewhat more than my own.
The fact that my gf likes how I'm dressing and also is responding really well to a now lesbian sexuality is a huge boost.
And today I'm riding all the way to work, 6 miles, double what I've tried before AND ITS NOT EVEN HURTING!! :-) (OK, the main pain but a tolerable one is around the neocltoris due to shifting saddle position, I imagine that will ease with time as thats been the last area to heal)
This really feels like turning a corner on being back in shape -- yes I'm taking a break in Harvard sq, something I'd not have ever entertained before 2 months of enforced minimal activity. I have a pretty good idea how painful getting back in shape is gonna be but that's mostly an emotional and (false) pride thing. I know for a fact it's just a matter of putting in the hours and I rather think I'll have an easier time of it than in the past without testosterone feeding a lot of negative emotional content.
p.s. had a fair bit of blood on the pantyliner :-( which has subsided :-), probably coming from granulation tissue near the neocltoris.
Ho hum. I continue to play with myself sometimes and it still feels great :-). As much as I worry over the slow healing areas where I still have pain in my left labia, I'm sure it will be fine and sensation is already enough that I'm happy with post op sexuality.
I'm finding I'm really not a good girl. Yes when people are about I keep my feet legs crossed, knees together. However when I'm alone I only want to sit with my legs apart, enjoying that my underwear is so easily visible. So yeah I'm a bad girl. I told my pshrink about this today, happy about who I am and she seemed amused as well as happy for me.
I was tired of wearing trainers and so today I wore the only feminine styled shoes I own to therapy and then to my favorite cafe for a snack. Stiletto heels that I've owned for 17 years. Not in the least bit comfortable but omg they do make a girl conscious of her gait. Heel-toe clicking along the sidewalk.
I really love finally being female.
Sadie,
Bad girls must be punished. :laugh:
Yes, shoes make all the difference in how a girl walks. Stilettos separate the girls from the women.
It's great to hear you are enjoying things. That's hard to do when worried, so I hope the worry is only occasional.
Warmly,
Jacqui
Aww Jacqui thanks :-)
I try to keep worry in its place -- planning for the future doesn't need to distract from living in the now, stressing over the future or the past does.
However speaking of the past ...
I realized yesterday that my sexuality that has evolved since HRT and details of sex play seem to reside differently in my memory than they did pre-op.
What I used to experience was every single over the top sexual experience was recorded indelibly into long term memory. I can play back experiences from 20 years ago almost as fresh as if they'd happened yesterday and if I look back over my sexual life I can easily relate what things turned me on and how those have changed back to childhood. I can remember nearly every detail of the nights each of my daughters were conceived, and what happened between myself and specific partners 40 plus years later -- even where I can't relate their names. Hell, I can remember specific fantasies about women I never was involved with.
Since HRT, not so much. In the co-thread to this one I wrote about my first really over the top experience of feeling a feminine sexuality just 8 months ago. I can't remember anything about it, zip, nada nothing.
While how I experience sex has changed, the fantasies and the remembered experiences haven't so much. I still get solidly turned on by specific things that happened years ago. So it's totally weird to seemingly not be forming long term memories or at least memories that are far less focused on detail and narrative.
Bad Girls
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbGKeyCywTY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbGKeyCywTY) ;)
Quote from: SadieBlake on August 22, 2017, 01:02:09 PM
I'm finding I'm really not a good girl. Yes when people are about I keep my feet legs crossed, knees together. However when I'm alone I only want to sit with my legs apart, enjoying that my underwear is so easily visible. So yeah I'm a bad girl. I told my pshrink about this today, happy about who I am and she seemed amused as well as happy for me.
I really love finally being female.
You are a bad influence Sadie, now I'm thinking of who I can flash. lol
Moni
Dunno sister, I post a lot of internal narrative and plum pieces like how my sexual memory formation has changed and you zero in on the naughty bits, I take no credit for you having a dirty mind! ;-) (It's true that I do as well!)
I did a regular day of glass yesterday but that was sandwiched between 2 nights of working late on welding the frame for a glass polishing station and 3 hours of sleep between just because I couldn't sleep. Last night I arrived home pretty tired but also having felt unspeakably horny much of the day. Fatigue won out and I dilated and sacked out.
This morning however those still standing feelings led me to finally do a full dilation session with Ms Orange. It went fine, didn't feel too bad-tight and felt pretty good otherwise. I'll post on the aftermath in the co-thread.
As usual after I get busy with myself the next dilation involves a little blood -- mostly on Ms Green and looking like it's the remainder of slow seepage, the color is a bit brown so it's not fresh blood. This is one of the things that keeps me from going really hard with the silicone toys.
Still I used Ms Orange again and it really wasn't difficult getting it in.
In other news today I did more equipment work and got in a half hour swim. Saturday I'm thinking about trying to lay down a bit more miles on the bike.
4 months post-op today. Woot!
I'm gonna celebrate with playing with myself (yes, in spite of being a bit sore still from yesterday's play). Then make myself an omelette and potatoes to be followed by a longer bike than I've gone for before.
And more cause for woots! Just remembered that my exchange for one of the TYR tank suits that hadn't fit had to have arrived by now. Just flounced down the stairs to grab the PKG and I really like the replacement, boy shorts bottoms and a tankini top that fits just fine.
https://goo.gl/photos/HNsfcsdAT9TarU5f6
Well I just laid down a couple of hours in the saddle, 25 miles. 12.5 mph feels soooooo slow but I survived it and the best part was that I did the ride with my old friend Sarah. I haven't seen her in quit a while but we've ridden easily 3000 miles together and have a bond that's grown over the years.
We talked about how lady bits chafe and her advise and feedback was great, clearly it's now just time and training and I know how to do that.
I'll see how it feels tomorrow but right now it just feels great to have gotten in a solid aerobic workout :-).
As I approached feeling normal post op I am beginning to play with my hormone regimen. I've planned on this since I decided on surgery, I did only one change pre-op which was going off estrogen for a month to see if I could think about skipping GCS and cycling hormones to alternate between feeling more femme and retaining sexual function --- that failed badly or succeeded in validation that I wanted to proceed with vaginoplasty.
So I have just spent 6 weeks on continuous progesterone. Pre-op I'd felt I was experiencing depression if I stayed on P for more than a couple of weeks but also I was dealing with all of the stress of preparation and a bunch of unrelated issues to boot.
And this six weeks has felt fine, no hint of depression and a really strong libido. Now on having dropped it for 4 days I have to say my libido has really crashed. I am not without desire but for instance yesterday when I went to play with myself, I honestly just couldn't stay interested, the same things felt nice but there was no building of momentum.
So interesting, obviously not a blinded trial but then again, I know my sexual response pretty well. And so I'm filing this away as perhaps wanting to keep my P levels up.
And I'll be thinking about looking at testosterone. I flinch at the idea even, however all my instincts tell me that now as I'm settling into being femme and immeasurably happier it's safe and probably smart to see if T feels OK post-op. I've never lived with moderate levels of both E and T, since my T level was fully suppressed by estrogen alone pre-op.
Hugs everyone, I'm happy with where I am after so many years of getting to this place it's feeling pretty damned good :-)
I was trying to search for some forum posts and having no luck indexing with Google, finally broke down and installed Tapatalk. Hate the interface and the really annoying advertising, however it succeeded in uploading a better avatar, something I'd attempted with the web interface and given up on long ago. I'll save y'all the need to hunt down the image reference, I took my moniker and now my post op name from an absolute favorite film, Rise: blood hunter with Lucy Liu in the title role as a vampire getting revenge on the group that turned her.
Now seriously friends, I posted a link to a photo of YT in swim wear the other day and zip comments??! I fully get that I'm far from fetching, especially clad in a maillot ... Ok I'll deal <le sigh/>.
Moni's posts about her mom passing got me thinking about my own parent, never a very happy subject. She's a fairly angry and sad excuse for a human being, given to apparently capricious choices of things she approves of and caustic disdain for all else. She's the reason I'm not out with family generally.
What Moni got me to thinking of -- and I guess it's not a new topic for me -- is that when she does pass on, in all likelihood that will be the time I choose to be open with the rest of my extended family. I came out to my sister many years and discovered what a TERF was so I know my news won't be received well by the only other member of my immediate family. I can pretty well count on variations on cluelessness and acceptance to my face from people who I've known all my life to be closet bigots - people who will privately tell you they couldn't consider living in the city because of the "salt and pepper problem".
I have no intention of ever coming out to someone who's always been clear in their homophobic feelings and as willing as my mother is to be nasty for no good reason, let alone an offence as big as simply being myself in any way that's not her notion of masculine. But I'll also be damned if I'll go to her funeral pretending to be something I'm not. I don't much care about how the rest of my extended family views me, there are few or no ties there of any consequence and on the bright side, I do have a pretty good idea of who will be accepting and positive.
Lastly, I've had to change my insurance to medicaid which my pshrink can't take so the person I work with on these things isn't available for now. I expect that to be rectified soon and be back on the university plan but for now this is what I've got.
Good news today, I had to find a new healthcare and PCP anyway due to the change in insurance and so I signed up with Cambridge Health Alliance where I knew my pshrink also practices and sure enough she says once I'm signed up with them I can work with her again.
Hard to believe I've been in therapy with her for coming up on 4 years now. This change may mean I won't be able to go back to seeing her privately, I'm sure she'll fill the tue time slot I've been in and I'll miss her private office, it has a really pretty view.
I'm also considering sex work to help make ends meet. I'm quite skilled as an s&m top and it would certainly be better money than selling my whips and I wouldn't mind putting them to good use :-).
The emotionality of being on hrt hit me again this morning, my glass blowing partner turns out to be another game of thrones fan and she sent me a link to the "game of Jones" YouTube watch party. Omg, I was laughing uncontrollably and suddenly it's turning into tears. Amusing Fi sometimes I find it hard to be unable to turn off the waterworks :-).
And yesterday was a long day and a good one, I worked on a not exactly new idea, something I toyed with a couple of years ago and sorry to OMG again in the same post but this looks like it's going to play really well, I'm much better at pulling twisty cane now than when I'd last had a how at this idea and this will be material for a couple of really nice pieces. Im thinking about some fancy spheres, yay!
Sadie,
Congrats on some new info and news. The improvement on glass blowing skills sounds really cool. Hope all works out smoothly with your new insurance. I know little to nothing about the sex market. I just know it can be dangerous. Please be careful.
Warmly,
Jacqui
Jacqui thanks! I will of course above all things be careful if I decide to do it.
Hugs &c
S
Well 2 weeks of using Ms Orange and I'm seeing results, was able this morning to penetrate myself for pleasure with a sizeable silicone toy and really enjoyed it. All prior times trying that size involved more discomfort than pleasure and never more than short period. This time it was easier getting inserted and it didn't take long before it felt really good, amazing.
Biking hasn't been easy but I can do it (I've learned that I shouldn't wear panty liners which means staining whatever underwear I'm using and I should do a little something to lubricate). Creative work is going really well and this weekend we'll be canning a dozen+ quarts of amazing tomatoes from our CSA.
Hugs everyone and happy September.
The state of Sadie's vagina ...
A couple of things I neglected from last post --- I can now wear thongs comfortably -- i.e. my labial swelling is down enough that I don't overhang a thong :-).
We've begun silver nitrate on the granulation tissue, with gf doing the application. The first go has already had an impressive effect and so I'm hopeful that I can begin to finish healing.
Things with my GF are great, we're shaping up to really acknowledge being a lesbian couple. I think she has trouble with the label, however I think that finding sex is still good has really helped her turn the corner on that.
And I'm really thinking about spending time in the lesbian community. I've spent time working there before but not in a long while. I'm finding I am interested in spending time among just women. There's a reading by a local lesbian author and long term friend coming up soon and I'm really looking forward to being there. I haven't pursued any other relationships in a long long time.
We're poly but I haven't seen anyone else in dog, I think over a decade. I think dysphoria had cut into my desire to form any other relationships and suddenly I do. (And in case anyone is worried about our relationship, my gf has had guys she sees over the years, not often just when she makes a special connection all with my approval)
I guess this week has been less about the body and more about the mind.
I saw my pshrink for the first time in more than a month, with the insurance change I now have to see her at the hospital practice she's associated with and we still have to do the formal intake appointment and setup a regular schedule however she unexpectedly made time on short notice and so we met Wednesday. And it was nice - notably different than in her private practice, we met in a quite sterile office compared to her private office that's simple but nice and has a comfortable feel. Also she has to do note taking on a computer in this context - in her private practice it's always hand-written notes.
So this weird thing happened that's absolutely never happened before. She needed to make an entry about a supplement I take for increased dopamine levels and got a bit stuck on finding the right way to put that in. In that time her attention wandered from what we were working on. A simple thing, but it was very strange because this doc has always had laser focus on whatever I'm talking about and we're always relating, making eye contact and in every single moment I'm in her presence I feel heard.
I'm a big fan of technology bringing people closer together and *not* drawing attention from interaction and try to be very good about not letting my attention get drawn to my phone when I'm interacting with people but there we were with her professional obligation changing the dynamic -- happily only in a small way. It's all good and the session was fine, it was just very interesting for me to find a different experience from simply being in a different office.
A lot of stuff has happened in the time since I'd seen her last and it was really good to get back into the flow. It's also true that I'm beginning to see the end of a need for therapy. The year+ of getting ready for GCS was extremely stressful and if being on HRT was making my life better, the additional mental load definitely made things pretty turbulent. My pshrink and I are definitely friends, there is transference and counter-transference between us (I was honestly surprised that she said she'd missed seeing me, however she did so 3 times, hard to miss).
Anyhow, otherwise this week has involved a bit too much of not feeling good about my body, too conscious of not passing and as it happens of having been either deadnamed or misgendered quite a lot more this week than most weeks. On the other hand I've been glad to observe that my GF has been correctly gendering me which is a hurdle that's taken some time.
Happily the GF and I are going to the cape this weekend,. we have a free place to stay and while my work has all been going fine, it will be nice to not be working a weekend for the first time in quite a while. Plus I'm going to get to visit the gallery where I have some work up for sale.
I guess right now what I'm feeling is I hope in my next life I can come back as a happier, prettier female. I don't even care about cis vs trans. In this life it took me 60 years to begin to feel OK about myself. That's too long. This week I've let most of my dilation time be spent either reading vintage lesbian pulp fiction or browsing tumbler images of women kissing. Nothing pornographic, everything romantic with femme touches.
Yep, a bit of tears forming. HRT lets me be emotional in ways that I always was before but which were experienced through such a fog, even on the last day of my cycle, the low ebb of my estrogen levels, inside I'm such a girly girl.
I always thought that GCS wouldn't change much and admittedly I have only experienced my correct hormone levels in the context of a very accelerated year of getting ready for surgery. Still, making my body right has had a profound impact on my mind. I consider my experience as absolute validation that body and mind cannot be divorced, that health in one is very tied to the health of the other.
I love that last statement Sadie. It is a time to reassess isn't it. I am not seeing a need for therapy anymore. Don't need any more letters and I had to struggle to find stuff to talk about anyway. Plus it costs money.
Enjoy the get away.
Moni
Thanks Moni, and we've had a pretty fine day. A walk out to a small beach where I got in a bit of a swim (I might have changed into my suit on that beach, 'sok nobody else there then).
Post swim, sitting on rocks drying:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweb.mit.edu%2F%7Eforrestw%2Fwww%2Fimages%2FSkitch.png&hash=2342827a960264dbbcc0a487905edfe38838bf04)
I do have to take off some weight but I don't hate my appearance in swim kit. Felt so nice to be supported by water, just swam a little but it was awesome.
What beach were you at?
Hugs, Devlyn
Sadie,
I'm jealous, can't swim yet per doctor. You don't body surf into those rocks do you?
Moni
Dev, tiny bit of beach secluded enough to get nekkid without fear of being busted. Location is a closely guarded secret, sorry.
Moni, yeah I wasn't allowed to swim until about 4 months post op, it's been really welcome. And no body surfing here, it's not ocean facing so no surfing here.
We're in p'town now, about to head out for a walk.
I was surprised when after a couple of months of being post-op my therapist told me she was firing me as a client because there was nothing more she could do for me. She said I was happy, well adjusted, socialized and I did not need anything more. She was right. I've now spent over a year being post-op and I really don't have any issues that I need to speak to a therapist about. It's good when you get to this point.
I've been to one therapist appointment and one psychologist appointment. They both told me "Danielle (my primary care physician) told me how self confident and happy you are; one of her only patients not dealing with depression."
And I'll never see either one of them again. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
P-town, lucky you! I'm booked in the Boatslip for Halloween.
That's really nice Jess, Dev. I've fired a pshrink when I knew we'd hit the point of diminishing returns. I'm not there yet, that hour each week helps me get through the other 167 hours in the week.
We'll know when the time comes.
Quote from: SadieBlake on September 17, 2017, 01:41:02 PM
Dev, tiny bit of beach secluded enough to get nekkid without fear of being busted. Location is a closely guarded secret, sorry.
Moni, yeah I wasn't allowed to swim until about 4 months post op, it's been really welcome. And no body surfing here, it's not ocean facing so no surfing here.
We're in p'town now, about to head out for a walk.
Undisclosed location, huh? Lefty and Righty are there, say Hi if you see them! >:-)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 18, 2017, 08:20:54 PM
P-town, lucky you! I'm booked in the Boatslip for Halloween.
Sorry for the off-topic post, but, speaking of Provincetown, I've been investigating Fantasia Fair since I was devastated by the cancellation of Southern Comfort. It would be very expensive to attend, coming from Florida, but would it be worth it for me in the early stages of transitioning?
Stephanie
Steph I love your new profile photo, that's a really fine head of hair you're sporting there :-)
If you come to FF and will have any hang time in Boston, give a shout, would love to visit over coffee or beer etc.
On to the state of the vagina :-)
Well first a detour to Sadie's brain -- I've been on a steady dose of progesterone for nearly 2 months now and just this morning I'm feeling some creeping sadness. Pre-op I would feel the onset of this at a couple of weeks on P. I suspect that post-op my dysphoria and hence tendency to depression has dialed back a lot. I think I'll cycle off for a week or so now.
Anyway, big progress vaginally :-). I'm the last week and a half I've been able to accommodate some much bigger toys, which matters only because of the size of one that fits in the woman on top allowing PIV sex with her partner.
I'm also now able to insert what I think of as a normal size toy immediately after dilating with Ms orange, where just a week ago I would have to go from orange to a smaller toy, fully arouse myself with that and then go to the regular one, 2 weeks ago, I really couldn't enjoy that one at all.
I'm seemingly no closer to orgasm, while very much enjoying lots of different play and simply exploring different ideas and stimulation, right now it's really different every time which is fun all by itself :-).
What I am finding in being sexual now is just a deep pleasure. While I'm definitely not as easy to arouse as I was before, I'm also simply enjoying every moment lots more than before. I may also be finding it's just hard to get myself off, having a lover may be necessary and we're working on that as well of course - learning the ropes of lesbian sex continues to be fun.
.... Ok seems I'm coming down with a cold, that would also explain a slight happiness deficit
Strike that, have a really bad cold, all the body aches and a fever to boot. This too will pass but this one coincides with a large sale event and so I have no choice but to be on my feet.
Quote from: SadieBlake on September 21, 2017, 11:50:20 PM
Steph I love your new profile photo, that's a really fine head of hair you're sporting there :-)
If you come to FF and will have any hang time in Boston, give a shout, would love to visit over coffee or beer etc.
Hi Sadie,
I just realized the other day that I've been growing my hair for about 20 years now. It's good and long, but don't look under the hat. It does appear, though, that the finasteride and minoxidil are starting to work their magic. I thought I'd need grafts, but the bare spots are starting to fill in, so I'm going to hold off for a while. In the meantime I'm getting a collection of cute hats.
I've never been to Boston or P-Town, but if I ever get that way I'll make sure to look you up. I loves me some coffee, not so much alcohol any more, though with a teeny bit of arm twisting I can be talked into a boat drink. Something with an umbrella.
I'd love to go to FF but I can't justify what would end up being about $1800 for my wife and me to go. That's money I need for laser and electrolysis. And makeup lessons. And hats! And smoly hokes, as of this week, bras!
Big congratulations on the V progress! I'll get there some day.
Steph
A couple things I missed in the last note, I'm no longer seeing signs of blood or even minor blood product when I've had PIV sex or dilating after same :-). This is certainly news and of course quite welcome. Because of my cold which coincided with a necessarily busy weekend we didn't go for any sex but I did give myself some leisurely masturbation this morning which was just plain fun.
I also reminded myself this week that my post operative self remains a more sexually interested person than she was before while still being less obsessive about sex.
I had to do a psych appointment for what my new healthcare calls "intake" and actually means assessment and I guess I was reminded how amazing my pshrink is. The psychotherapist I had to talk to was ok but asked all to predictable questions and I felt she jumped to a couple of pat suggestions that were really off base. Net effect was I left feeling a bit judged and unsettled.
I guess it felt like having a skilled plumber probing my internals rather than say a top vascular surgeon. Fair to say I think this woman realized as much, she asked at one point how I'd happened to wind up working with my Dr and clearly holds her in the same high regard as I do.
Gah, last week was not an easy week, I came down with a bad cold just before our major annual sale and fundraiser. I did well on my personal sales and I'm glad for that, I don't see the money for a while but it will help a lot when it comes through. And I sustained two weird injuries, a very sore calf muscle followed by my wrist being sore nearly to the point of unusable apparently just from sleeping on it funny.
Last Friday I took the bus in to the lab and was juggling my phone and wallet as I had to pay cash and was in the middle of trying to get an insurance thing worked out with my endocrinologist (more on that below). Well I managed to leave the wallet on the bus, realized in time to try to chase it on my bike but didn't catch it. I'm thankful for real-time bus tracking and their guy at the depot who was able to tell me what bus # and how to track it online for its return. The driver had my wallet, the cash in it untouched (I've been holding on to a couple hundred in emergency cash but I think I'm gonna move that to my lab behind lock and key!).
So that was just a horrid 90 minutes of anxiety. I found also last week my new insurance needs a pre authorization for injectable estradiol valerate so that prescription hasn't been filled yet, hopefully this week, also without pre authorization I can only get 20 progesterone at a time - I hate insurance companies, quadrupling the number of transactions only makes money for them.
On to better news, still being congested I haven't felt like riding a lot but yesterday I rode home, no great distance but OMG riding feels nearly as easy as pre-op, I've shifted from having to manage discomfort more or less continuously to my labia just feeling ok. And not having the old hardware to manage is just really fine.
I've changed to dilating just daily, that seems to be fine and I continue to follow up Ms Orange with a nice wide silicone toy. Because it doesn't taper all the way to the tip, unlike the soul source dilators it's making a bit more room at the bottom of my vagina. I'm now mostly using my homemade lube, a combination of HPMC and PEO, both medical grade polymers that were discarded by one of the labs I worked in a few years ago.
Last Tuesday I went to a reading by an old friend who's a long time bdsm and alt sexuality writer I was glad to hear that the 50 shades making inroads into mainstream publication has meant publishers are looking for her work and so she's doing quite well (Pm me if you want a link to her work).
My other motive in going was hanging out with a lesbian crowd, I'm definitely interested in new relationships and it was nice to dip a toe in the social waters. I talked some with a fellow cyclist and may wind up riding with her which would be awesome.
And I'm thinking about sex with men some. I could really use a ****-buddy, a booty call would be nice at this point. However I'm also thinking I'd like my first time with a guy to be a bit more special. I'm not sure just what that means, never mind how to get there.
TBD, work is going pretty well just now and so fair to say, aside from the insurance hassles life is pretty good right now.
I should add, just a month ago I was kinda struggling with my vagina feeling sore much of the time, some residual swelling and was feeling it would never feel like a natal female's vagina.
Two things have changed since then. First, one of the things that felt off was how my vaginal canal makes a slight left turn as it enters the body cavity and continues to go in that direction all the way to its full depth. I reviewed the video made I think at Tübingen and sure enough, a detail that had escaped me when I'd watched that many times before is that the vaginal cavity is indeed formed to one side and anchored by sutures to a structure again off the center of the body. Knowing that's just how it has to be done makes it easier to accept that yes that part is different from a natal female's.
The other thing is that healing has clearly progressed that much farther and a lot of areas that had been painful (including most of the surface of my labia majora) are now simply feeling sensate. This helps with sexual play, areas that were painful before simply feel good now (again, I'm now cycling without noticeable pain down there). I'm now not feeling the need to be protective of those areas where before the inherent pain made me cautious about having my lover touch me there.
It's not that I doubted intellectually, but knowing in the brain that a thing will be true doesn't help much when a place you genuinely want to feel pleasure is instead simply painful.
So another corner turned, I'm really happy about this one :-).
p.s. an expression of happy, the other day I wore a hot pink bra and matching thong the other day under my street clothes. Pink is my happiest color and I hadn't worn these ever before except for sex play. I was a bit sad that I couldn't lay my hands on my one white shirt so as to let that color be hinted at but it's all good, I knew and that's what matters.
Some random walk musings today. I like to update while I dilate, I feel good about being a chick all the time now but especially when I'm getting some penetration. Some of this update will be about sex but not enough to be worth a separate addition to my sexuality thread.
My boobs continue to develop, I'm 1¾ years on her now and the growth there is definitely slow but also steady. Of course they remain sensitive which is what a care about most and I begin to fear I may eventually hit a C cup. With some luck I'll finish out fully filling out my B bras, for now I'm still a slightly small B.
The reduced vaginal pain, especially my labia beginning to feel better is a big deal now. The vaginal canal is stable depth and I can't quite accommodate the size of penis that my gf can (only toys for now anyway) and if I'm a bit envious of her natal vagina, it's flattering that she says she really can't see a difference between mine and OEM parts she even went so far as to say when she'd first seen my result in San Francisco (at 8 days post-op) she was amazed at my surgeon's skill. I'd had a similar thought, but then that was also before swelling set in that lasted nearly 2 months and I'd had a lot of fears which are now allayed by the ongoing healing process.
My new gynecologist has requested surgical notes from my procedure so Heidi's office I preparing to email those to me. I'd thought about seeing these before and just hadn't gotten to making a request for them.
I've been having more dreams including being female ... or maybe being trans, it's not like I generally dreamed about gender identity before I transitioned. Anyhow, my dreams are active and sometimes weird.
I've had to go another month without therapy due to the hassles of changing medical insurance, definitely keeping my head above water (suggesting that therapy is maybe a luxury at this point?). Still I miss my pshrink, I see her this week for only the second time in more than 2 months and then again in 2 weeks and back to regular weekly after that.
And to sex: my gf and I have been a combination of too busy or under the weather. I took that opportunity to try knocking off progesterone and sure enough my libido just dried up after a few days off. I was still feeling interest in things sexual but damn if I could find a way to convert that interest into enjoyment in actual play. After a week I restarted progesterone and pretty much bang, my libido was back. It was interesting, not being able to really around myself but it really helps to understand that P really helps with my sexuality.
Sunday because I've been dilating with a toy after Ms Orange, Sunday I was able to have really enthusiastic PIV sex with my GF using that toy. It was pretty OMG great, she still doesn't see herself as a lesbian but we still come together wonderfully.
Sex feels authentic and natural in ways that just didn't work before surgery and where most of my life I've been nearly as glad to get myself off as to be with a partner. And with my partners I have always focused on their pleasure first. Now I'm amazed how easy it is to have sex as a girl, letting my partner please me wasn't something I knew how to do before. Now I hear myself doing female copulatory vocalisations.
It's just amazing how the new plumbing affects me. Ultimately sex was better some time on HRT, now it's better again, already beyond what I'd let myself hope for. I will look for time to write about how the details in my sexuality co-thread, for now I'm glad to say the gestalt is already amazing.
Sadie,
Glad to hear of your progress. You are ahead of me so it is great to look at what you are doing. I think my soreness has improved a lot also. My appointment to adjust hormones was canceled so for now I am off P. Two more weeks. Keep letting us know of your progress okay.
Moni
Thanks love, being as patience isn't hardly one of my virtues, the pace of healing has seemed glacially slow and that wore into my confidence about things ever getting to feeling right.
One of the reasons I wanted vaginoplasty was that while sexually I really enjoy penetration, anal simply requires more prep which doesn't lend well to spontaneous sex, and the mucosal lining is far more prone to damage than a vagina's (which, btw is skin, not mucosa). So as my desire began to return but my vagina was still far from sex-worthy and I was fearing being relegated to anal play anyway.
I'm especially glad that where some women here have had complications of tearing at the introitus and comments that that's a common trouble spot post op I'm completely fine there, the skin is fully sensate and one if the first areas to be pain free. (I did have torn sutures nearby but outside the outer labia which I think may have been partly due to that being the location of the surgical drain.)
Hi Sadie,
This is just to say thanks for all your updates!
Talita
You're 150% welcome Talita, one of the hard things about getting to the decision and then managing my expectations post op was the lack of really complete accounts of transition and especially not for my surgical team. The two women who wrote about Satterwhite who trained my doc more or less stopped posting at 1-2 months out. I wanted to leave a full account, though I will probably also fade away soon.
I had an interesting experience this week. Prior to an upcoming first appointment my new gynecologist wanted me to obtain surgical notes from my procedure and being interested myself I had Wittenberg's office email the record to me directly.
In spite of having spent a fair bit of time in operating suites observing procedures and my own prior 3 experiences of surgery, pre-op reading the details was never easy, watching the animation of the PI technique even more difficult. I did of course, because I wanted to know what would be done and how the technique had changed since my understanding based on what they did in the '90s when I was first considering vaginoplasty.
So it was really unexpected that as I read the notes, what I felt was an erotic tingle, admiration for the job Heidi had done (I certainly have a minor girl crush on her).
I think the thing is I now feel *that good* about the results. Where pre-op I was sitting with a lot of pain already registered around my former genitals and so anticipation of more pain there wasn't easy to contemplate. With most of that past and moving along to a place of pleasure and already being engaged in a happier sexuality, the fears I'd had are completely evaporated, replaced with warm happiness.
Goddess is health care in the US the most effed up thing I've had the displeasure of navigating.
Even though the pshrink I've been seeing for 4 years also works in a place that takes my new insurance, it's taken fully 3 months to get back onto regular visits, during which time she's been able to squeeze me into the schedule twice.
Same insurance will only allocate me 20 progesterone at a time and denied my estradiol valerate (IM injection), has now denied the prior authorization sent by my endocrinologist and is saying I need to go on pills and prove that doesn't work before they'll authorize. Because I'm really interested in doing what my doc already said I shouldn't and in doing a bunch more testing to re-titrate levels (again, my endo happens to work both in my old insurance context and for the new one so you'd think it would be simple - NOT).
They gave me a way to have my doc go directly to a peer-peer review which MIGHT get it cleared up in a single phone call. </rant>
All that said, the rest of life is OK and thankfully the vial of EV I'm currently working on will last me well into next year so there's time to work out the insurance snafu.
Look at my tickers friends, 6 months post-op today!
Back to my breasts, a favorite topic. I have a lot of B cup bras because prior to HRT dressing pretty was my main route to alleviate dysphoria and while back then I didn't even fill out an A cup, it was nearly impossible to find that in larger band sizes. Now I mostly fill out those older bras and the A cups I started buying as larger band "A"s have become available .. ( https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229931.new.html) still, it's wonderful to be putting on an old favorite design and have it finally well after so many years of feeling weird for having the cups full of air!
Sex continues to improve, I'm able to consistently get to that place where the pre orgasmic twinges come on, still feeling a ways from getting over the top of that mountain. And still an amazing feeling, sexual play post op has been an amazing exploration of many nuances and complexity.
On a less happy front my insurance still hasn't approved injectable estrogen, it's been a month and the told me to have my doc resubmit to masshealth directly this time and so I'm hopeful to not be spending another month of many phone calls to get this in place.
On a very happy front, I'm back to regular visits with my pshrink and she was as usual amazing and intuitive,asked me what my goals are and my answer was just getting to a place where surviving my days isn't a question. I'm still struggling with some things and yet I can also feel we may be nearing and end of therapy.
I learned something humbling yesterday morning when the scheduling person told me my pshrink is coming in early to fit me into her schedule, otherwise she'd not be in the office at the time we're meeting. I really love my doc, we talked about that too, it's not exactly a desirable thing, but a natural result of who I am and how compassionate she is.
Well 5+ weeks later they've finally approved IM estradiol. My endocrinologist was great about getting that taken care of, though I hate having to do that to her. I sort of can't believe how bad my new insurance is. I'm a combination of lucky and well prepared, I had a 2 month supply of E on hand, suppose I'd been out of it? 4+ weeks off hrt due to their incompetence?
I had my first appointment with my gynecologist! She was nice and had really positive reaction to the appearance of my vagina -- she has no prior experience of mtf vaginoplasties but has had a few natal female patients who've had vaginal construction due to being born without, apparently that condition is more common than gender dysphoria, I wouldn't have guessed that.
I also got to ask her about clitoral stimulation while biking and whether that would be normal for a cis female, she said it is. I like knowing that's normal, I'd been feeling a bit weird about it and it's not something I'd been comfortable asking my cis female riding friend.
And my GF took me to see m.butterfly in NYC this last weekend. It was sort of a celebration of out 19th anniversary. Google had put the play on my radar and I managed to get to the theater with no idea that this was a script all about gender ... well, ok also about geopolitics.
Clive Owen and Jin Ha playing his lover / paramour Song put in spectacular performances. The script was significantly rewritten from the '86 play and is a much more nuanced treatment of the crossing of gender norms than the original.
I was moved strongly by this play, not that tears are uncommon for me but being a recently transitioned woman watching this story unfold without a lot of preconceptions was quite an experience. I recommend this play highly to anyone. But don't familiarize yourself with the plot in advance for the best experience.
Hi Sadie, Congrats on your 6 month birthday. So glad you are doing well. I look forward to 6 months so I can sleep an extra hour in the morning. I only have to dilate once then. I have to go off hormones this weekend for surgery in two weeks. Am I crazy? Probably. Take care and keep postin!
Moni
HappyMoni, why do you have to go off hormones for two weeks?
mm, it's due to nominally increased risk of embolisms when taking estrogen. I've never heard of a surgeon that doesn't require this.
Moni, yeah, sucks to go off, be glad I guess that you don't have to go off for 5 weeks like I did? That really sucked.
And hugs and many thanks for your thoughts. It's a great milestone and the better because I'm feeling so much more healed. Also nice that it coincided with my 19th anniversary of seeing my GF.
Happy Anniversary! Not to play 'top this' but I was off for 6 weeks for FFS. I am lucky I can go right back on after surgery this time. Yeah, the old blood clot thing. This transition thing is a long road and I'm still a running! Happy you are doing so well.
Moni
Well dang it's been quite a week, I'm still really strapped for cash and still working far too many hours and still loving it. This week I took my blow time to make glass "marbles" Ben Wa balls. Now I can truly say "ours go to 11" because I finished 11 in a range of sizes and got to try them out Saturday morning. I've wanted to do this for a while and even posted a queery over in the sexuality area about experiences, I was worried because the one account I can remember finding had been an old post on this site and mentioned having them.get stuck.
Well they worked just fine, I'll post over in my sexuality thread later but for here, wow they're a great tool for working kegel exercises. Highly recommended.
In more vanilla news and far more exciting, yesterday afternoon I pulled out some of my best cane and made a mofo big bowl that's gonna warrant a photo here when it comes out of the annealer. As usually happens with large bowls this one involved a bit of a challenge late in the game - my assistant applied a little too much force on the paddle and the shape went wonky for a couple of heats but it cleaned up nicely without too much extra work.
Clever girl! Always love the creativity. I recall the intricate patterns you were making with your cane. I look forward to seeing what the Big Bowl looks like!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi Sadie,
I just came across you GCS thread. Sorry I am late to congratulate you. Happy 6 months anniversary. I remember at 6 months I knew I could not break it :)
I had a few questions. One is your Avatar, may I ask why that avatar?
I have to ask. You mentioned the glass not getting stuck. How can it not get stuck? Then you mentioned kegel. I am intrigued. I will stop by the sexuality thread; a first for everything.
Rachel, late imo is always just in time, thanks and hugs.
My Avatar is my namesake, Sadie Blake the protagonist of the film rise: blood hunter played by Lucy Liu. It's my favorite B film, combination of two of my favorite genres, a vampire seeking revenge. I am a member of a subversive bicycle gang whose members names are their superhero identity. Sadie Blake.had to be it for me and now I'm glad to wear that name all the time.
Ben Wa balls are sex/tantric exercise toys. Because they're spheres and the muscles of the pelvic floor can be tight, it's possible (and fun!!) to hold them in quite deep, even while walking about your day.
Michelle (et al) putting the bowl images in my co-thread over in sexuality subforum, I don't feel like putting a link to my private storage in a world-readable page. Also I think they're dead-sexy while still definitely sfw :-)
I had a great session with my pshrink this morning (notwithstanding having to bike there with some winter-like weather having finally made it's presence known in the NE -- I wore my fishnet pantyhose, the only option I have right now for a little leg-warming)
I bridged that I'm thinking of coming out to my mother (the cluster-B / antisocial personality disorder). I think the reason I'm pondering this difficult conversation is just that I hate that not being out with her also means not being out with most of my extended family and that is beginning to weigh on me.
On to happier subjects. We talked about my near inability to relate to masculine energy. Now that's not new, throughout my childhood and on into adolescence I chose girls to play with and preferred to spend time with women over men (and I got picked on pretty regularly by males and even females for not being a "regular guy"). To be sure as I got older I began to sexualize that; testosterone, even though I had relatively small amounts of it gave me plenty of libido. Still, my longing to be among females ran deeper.
So I feel I have this weird history. I certainly thought I was male for the first 40 years I was on this planet. I had the testosterone that made it fairly easy to blend in as male (also a way to escape the memories of that awful childhood). My brain certainly responded in a lot of masculine ways to stress situations and yet even as I emulated and understood that that emulation bought me ability to get by in the world with fewer hassles I really never *understood* why men wanted to be like that. I guess at my most masculine, it's fair to say I was still wondering to myself "Why do I have to do this?, it's STUPID!".
Well 20 years of realizing I'm female and slowly adjusting my behavior the hard way and now at nearly 2 years of low-female levels of testosterone, the thing that strikes me most is how hard it was to find myself in a brain influenced by T. To be sure, I made progress and I don't mind having done it the hard way first. However, ever since I started E, it's been so damned clear that all those things I worked for come so much more easily.
I dunno, it just feels complicated. Comes down to I have a very hard time relating to anything masculine. I can appreciate that a masculine lover might be a good thing on occasion, I just don't want to be around that guy that usually seems to go with it the next day.
So socially I'm still seeking out lesbians. I want to allow men into my life again, I wish I could feel better about that half of our population. It's just not there right now.
I seem to be self lubricating, just 7 months and a day post op, I'd been feeling horny through the night (this happens a lot after I get laid but still having not figured out orgasms am left wanting some). I felt a bit wetter than normal and sure enough I decided to try this morning's dilation without (exogenous) lube and sure enough, it went fine with just my natural wetness.
My other post op news is that my ben wa balls work fine and I'm fully able to both hold them in and expect them using muscle control (hoorah for having practiced kegels for a couple of decades before transitioning). I'd been really worried about this because the only reference I'd been able to find for trans women and these tools for kegel exercise had been a Susan's post by a woman who'd been in able to expell them. I'd been worried about this and there'd been no replies to my own queery on the topic (yes I'll post later in my sexuality thread about the fun parts).
Thanksgiving was wonderful, just me and my partner. This year a friend of ours who usually comes over was absent and I can't say as I minded as she and my partner will usually spend the whole time talking about poetry and Facebook.
We ate really well, had my daughters over for a leftovers dinner Friday night and also went with them for dim sum Saturday morning. This was my older daughter's first times seeing me in a skirt (she lives in the usvi so we don't see her often) and all was fine. She got caught up on a couple of GOT episodes (they have no idea when they'll have power or phone / internet back post hurricane Maria).
:-/ I don't have time to elaborate, will post when I get a chance
I posted this in post-op forum bit as it doesn't seem to be get seen and I'd rather keep my thoughts in one place, I'm moving it here.
What's setting off my hormones-enhanced emotions this week
And also about being bisexual as female.
Having been explicitly disallowed from some of our local lesbian organizations and events for a couple decades ago is probably a lot of what makes this feel not a little daunting. The groups in my area have pivoted to being inclusive which feels great on the one hand, on the other I find myself "once bitten, twice shy".
And so I find myself really conflicted, on the one hand very much needing to reach out, to meet women to hang out with, maybe to date and also feeling quite frightened. I basically went underground, lived life closer to myself for 15 years now and venturing out to try and have a more meaningful social life feels daunting. So much so that just on thinking about it the other day I began to tear up in the middle of a time when that wasn't really an option and so instead I posted in my GCS thread about estrogen being difficult.
Now as I'm actually thinking through my past, I realized why it feels so upsetting (see above), so at least that's something -- knowledge is power and all that, right? Then why do I want to cry as I think these things through? Ok probably estrogen.
In the meantime I've done what we do in the modern era, installed a couple of lesbian dating apps (immediately limited to those that don't require FB accounts). The first is right out as I'm suddenly being cruised by men. Not that I mind men, just don't want them in a place that's supposed to be setup for women to find women.
The second has been more promising but imagine my feelings when I've been chatting with a woman whose profile claims she's local to me and suddenly she announced she's originally from FLA and just finishing school in Ghana. I quickly make note of the fact that I'm short on money and poof she's gone, taking with her some of my remaining shredded dignity :-(. (Yes, Nigerian scammers have moved on to Ghana.)
The lesbian and trans groups that I would have thought to reach out to for contacts seem to have dissolved and so now I'm looking bon Meetup.
Prospects grim,
Mood still horny but a bit sad just now.
Sadie,
You have to give things a little time Girl. You know being trans brings with it that awful curse, having to be patient. Don't let it get to you.
Moni
Doing my best, it doesn't help that many communities in my area run to insular. Also we both know that patience doesn't come naturally to me (I think the gods made me trans as an object lesson).
Hugs and big thanks
Quote from: SadieBlake on December 08, 2017, 05:24:35 AM
Doing my best, it doesn't help that many communities in my area run to insular. Also we both know that patience doesn't come naturally to me (I think the gods made me trans as an object lesson).
Hugs and big thanks
You're working in glass, with stuff that has to sit in an annealing oven for days and days, and you aren't patient? Yow!
Just teasing a bit...
Yes, unfortunately many of the little West Coast communities are quite insular. I've been trying Meetup groups, and it has been an eye-opener. Groups that say they are open to trans folks are often, well, accepting me as a 'friend zone only' participant. Some groups with multiple organizers caution that I am only to attend events with certain organizers.
There are unwritten rules, "Trans people should only date other trans people." OK, but that really, really limits the the dating pool to more of a shallow puddle. And, when the only unpaired trans woman is someone with polar opposite political and ideological orientations, well, it's just not happening. (Yes, I keep running into her, being introduced to her in different meetups! "Yeah, we know each other already...")
I'm just giving up on it as a waste of time and energy for now. Femme lesbian, over 60, and trans pretty much limits the dating pool to the 'empty set.'
You're definitely not the only one who has noticed this. I knew about some of this before I transitioned, and was more or less prepared for this outcome. Sure, I wish it were different, but this is what it is.
Our glass anneal cycle has work coming out of the box in 14-20 hours (I pulled out another 15 ben wa balls yesterday afternoon ;-) ). And I'm definitely impatient waiting for the ones with the slower cycle!
IAC I'm not submitting to the math you describe, you've mentioned your local demographic and I have to think maybe don't limit yourself to that age group? I have to say I'm influenced by working in a university environment where I simply spend most of my time among younger people. I think you might want to seek out groups in San Francisco?
Interestingly, my online dating pool suddenly has me being approached by 30-something women serving in the US armed forces, I find myself feeling like a sexy USO volunteer!!? We'll see where it goes, being cruised by a couple of very sexy (
and assertive!) femme women surely feels nice right now. One has threatened to visit on her Xmas leave and as I've spent the last 20 Xmas days solo that's simply an amazing prospect.
I've found a couple of local meetups that look promising (yes, femme lesbians are out and proud!) and a studio I used to be a member of holds an opening Sat & Sunday. There will be connecting with some friends that I'm really looking forward to (one of whom is quite special to me so that's also gonna be an awesome thing).
I had occasion to remember something very old that we talked about in my therapy week before last, here it is, copied from my Medium account "When I might have first realized I'm transgender:" https://medium.com/@forrestw_94483/probably-the-first-experience-i-had-of-knowing-i-wanted-to-cross-dress-came-when-i-was-19-40beb23e6b50
QuoteWhen I might have first realized I'm transgender:
As far as I know the first experience I had of knowing I wanted to cross dress came when I was 19. I was working in a machine shop and having just moved into a house with friends, it was the first time I was free of the family that had always been more of a terror than a comfort in my life.
There was a wedding dress that hung in the basement of the place we rented in Natick MA, forlorn and leaving one wondering who leaves their wedding dress behind. Recognizing the sadness of it's existence I still wanted badly to try it on; to wear that embodiment of ultra feminine affect. The desire was for something pretty and I certainly sexualized the possibility; if I donned that garment, I was going to want to get off while wearing it.
That dress hung untouched the whole year we lived there, it beckoned to me every single time I went down to use the clothes washer. I often thought of it if I masturbated on a weekend evening when my housemates were out on dates. My family was no longer there to torture me, however they'd done exactly what they intended, instilled a genuine fear of getting caught simply trying to be who I am. I'd never once dared think of cross dressing in my family home in the late '60s, early '70s (punishments for smaller infractions were bad enough and I shudder today to think what the consequences of that might have been).
And so that year passed, my first conscious inkling to simply be the femme person I am went denied in fear that I'd be found out by my friends, I remember mentally walking through the risks. Would someone happen back early, wander to the basement and note it's absence? Could I just abscond with it, secret it away in my closet to wear when I wanted and yet keep a straight face when it's absence was noted? If I successfully dressed and maybe masturbating dressed and got away with it, returning it to it's hook in the basement, could I do so putting it back apparently undisturbed?
Today I'm sure nobody took the degree of notice that I did, yet the prominence it had in the back of my mind lead me to assume my housemates had also taken in its details as exactly as I had and it stayed at the foot of the basement stairs, untouched.
Twenty years later, still closeted except to my close friends I began to dress femme for sex. It didn't take long to realize that my gender identity, while sexualized ran deeper than simply cross dressing. I contemplated transition and my partner who'd known I'm trans from our first date was seemingly ok with me always dressing femme for sex play. However she was adamant that she didn't like the idea of physical transition.
An aside about my partner and that first date. I'd worn something silky under my Carhartt jeans, only 6 months into being femme and I had decided the possibility of rejection was not as bad as the reality of hiding who I am.
It was with some trepidation that I used my eBay account to go and find a wedding dress I could wear while getting myself off. I didn't really think about the genesis of this particular desire, last week I realized that dress still sits in my memory, beckoning across 40 years reminding me that yes I knew then as I knew and yet didn't as a child that I am irretrievably femme. It wasn't safe for me to know that in 1966 or 1971. Instead, I began to know I have always been female sometime in late 1997 at the behest of a lover who told me to wear panties to work as a humiliation — that didn't work at all, '98 is when I began learning the right lesson: there's nothing wrong with being femme.
If my post from earlier this week sounds down, it was. What I think I failed to convey was I'm totally ok with this step. Being suddenly an embodied lesbian has also let me realize just how long I've wanted to be the person I find myself as today. I don't think this should be an easy thing, I think I should be terrified and elated, I'm in the midst of finding myself aroused again, physically frustrated by the lack of orgasms for going in 8 months now and coping with all this at once needs some unpacking and slowing down.
I think that if I were honest I would have to admit that I have never had the sexual desire that so many have. I thought that I did but after being on here I am not so sure. So many of your issues I am in the dark about. I just care about the person, and if it comes down to it I can take care of everything else and it is no big deal. My boyfriend adores me for whatever reason and we have fun together. I can't imagine needing more than that. I don't understand attraction to women, I just have never had it. I mean, I have done it but YUCK! So I just can't relate.
I do think that those of us who are attracted to men have it a little easier. Scarier, but easier. So many think that gay and lesbian are trans. LGBT that is what they know, we are all the same. I am tired of that and if people don't like it, I don't care. We are NOT LGBT! They only want us in so far as they can use us. PERIOD! I am tired of my friends that say support LGBT and get ostracized in the gay or lesbian community. They want nothing to do with you! Why do you support them? I personally have only met bare tolerance from gay men and outright hostility from lesbians. There are women out there for you, I would just look elsewhere. That is just me though. The community may very well be self destructive but it is possible to live with them. It is also possible to move on.
I went onto transition knowing it would be a crapshow, I have begun to hope for something more. I think that I have found something more, but you and I have different goals if I am not mistaken.
Take care sweetie, I have been worried about you recently. Hope that doesn't bother you, but it is true.
Please tell us how the glass is going. 😊
Always yours
Michelle
FinallyMichelle, your post caught me in the middle of a super busy week.
I'm sorry if you've felt less than welcome personally in the LGBT movement. I cannot say that that's been my experience - sure there have been some situations that we're and weren't however imx that's part of life in any community.
I've written elsewhere on Susan's recently that it's up to any individual to decide whether they identity with the movement and that includes the trans movement which some trans people want nothing to do with. So while any given movement may not be your cup of tea, trans and other queer folk have been effective allies for a long time and for better nor worse your bad experiences don't negate my good ones.
Personally I came up in the LGBT leather community and I'll tell you I felt a hell of a lot more love and understanding there than I ever have among hetero-normative & cis gender people ymmv of course. Now clearly I also don't believe in alliances with folks who don't acknowledge my identity and that has included gay and lesbian individuals and groups.
Guess what? The movement is damned big and varied. From the Lesbian Avengers to Transexual Menace to radical faeries to the pink pistols (I happen to have known the founder of the latter right around the time he was starting that group). My philosophy around both personal development and organizing / activism is to take what you need, let the rest go by. Personally I'm not a fan of assimilationism, however my feelings on that shouldn't negate my gay friends who don't really want their straight peers to think they've never seen the inside of a bathhouse.
I try not to approach a group without getting to know how they work and I learn to speak their lingo - so often simply different uses of words can create misunderstanding when worse only exist to create understanding. And of course the same applies to individuals. I have a friend who managed to effect some meaningful and more inclusive changes in policy in the national organization for women. Being effective within NOW required her to be closeted in certain aspects of her life in order to be effective. I respect that and it certainly is a tactic I adopted regarding various axes of my queer identity along the course of my own life.
Essentially, apply Hanlon's razor early and often :-).
I'm feeling philosophical & happy today, probably because after a real hell-week+ today was an off-day after nearly two weeks without a break and I got to spend this morning searching for my orgasm ;-). Still haven't found it but it's a fun thing to look fir.
Well yesterday's 3some wasn't what I'd hoped for but fun enough -- deets here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218064.msg2063027.html#msg2063027
However I spent the midday in a book reading group for femme lesbians and wow did I ever feel home!
Three of the 9 of us attending were trans and i felt just fine and welcome.
Yep, I'm lesbian, it feels wonderful to be meeting some like souls.
I just realized I'm past the two year mark of being on HRT.
Feels good and I'm glad it falls on the solstice :-).
Another happy milestone, my hair now falls to my bra strap, granted soon I can afford a cut / trim that will raise it a bit, still this is the marker that says to me "long hair'.
I had a couple of unusually weird interactions in the last few weeks, some of you may remember on one of my first days walking out in a skirt I got hassled by some kids in a car shouting was "I wearing a kilt?". That remains the only time I've been heckled and of course I'm not fetching enough to be catcalled (not complaining on this count). And more often than I catch weird stares, I will catch a smile for my presentation.
The other day it was a younger Japanese student, male who asked me.if I was wearing a kilt. He intended no rudeness, I simply answered and went on to the lab. Tuesday I was teaching new students in blacksmithing and a younger woman asked my name and then questioned again when I said "Sadie", doing a noticeable double take. I explained "I'm trans". It wasn't anything terrible and she realized she'd said something off and covered by politely asking my pronouns.
Going to a salon when you get your hair cut Sadie? Another thing I have yet to do. I suppose I could get a bowl cut and tell everyone I'm Friar Tuck. Or I guess I could hand them my hair and tell them I want a wash and styled. (sigh)
It sounds like you are doing okay getting out presenting as you want. When I'm out I don't even register the strange looks. It doen't really matter as long as they are not being nasty towards me. So far in a year there may have been one remark in Virginia aimed at me but I wasn't sure and just ignored it. I sure as hell don't pass so I guess I've been lucky.
Just thought I'd drop in and post a hello.
Hugs,
Laurie
Well I finally got to my hair salon for a trim. My budget has been really pared to the bone for over a year and my last trip there was 15 months ago. Now that I have caught up some from the expenses of GCS it was great to get back to my stylist and trim up the ends.
I've been really careful with my hair, using a conditioner regularly because I knew it was going to be a long time before I would be able to get a cut. Still the accumulation of slight damage to the ends was making it a bit tangly so I was definitely overdue and it's pleasing to again have it easy to brush out :-).
Since I spend 90% of my time with it up in a ponytail or french-braided we're not layering or anything like that and now that it's been trimmed it's nicely easier to brush out, braid, etc.
So yay! I love having my long hair, it was nice to give it some love and my stylist Carmi gave me some good ideas on additional things I can do to protect hair that's not cut often.
Now the question is how long do I keep letting it grow. I'm certain I want to go to mid back, we'll see then whether to go lower back or even longer.
That's great Sadie. My hair gets to a certain point and stops growing. I finally realized that I don't want it long though. I like to curl it and get some 'body' to it. It fits my face better. Now I want to color it and cover the thin spot with a transplant. That's all, haha!
Moni
Hope you are well.
Thanks Moni! Yeah I'm quite happy lately, it feels good :-)
Friday after my haircut I had coffee with a writer friend. We caught up, I told her about my new lover and also about my kinky past (because it's otherwise hard to explain how you hookup with a new lover so quickly). It was a really nice coffee date. And while my friend is hopelessly straight, seemingly hetero-normative, we know each other well enough now for this conversation to feel comfortable.
Friday night we (I and my so) went to a queer women's movie night in a nearby suburb, it was amazing. The film was light hearted, made in LA on a shoestring budget and all about queer relationships and bdsm / poly lives.
We really enjoyed being among gay women for the evening and as a special treat my friend G was there. I've seen her for a couple of coffee dates to talk about lesbian relationships and how they fit in our lives.
I'm still completely excited to have freshly cut hair that's now acting so much better for the simple fact of having cleaned up the slightly damaged ends. Of course it also now looks finished (my last cut had been November '16.
This week includes a monthly discussion meetup of queer poly women, and what do you know, after being 10 years of not being actively poly I have.my new relationship to talk about. Falling on Valentine's day works out ok and I'll see my GF after for dinner.
And yes, I'm still completely in love with my new GF, we stay in touch by SMS and x-country vibe. I'm pouring some of my feelings for her into new work on the one hand and also into dating. I'm confident that there are other lesbians out there who're interested in a vibrant and energetic femme dyke, true I'm a bit worn around the edges, one really happy new relationship is moving me to realize more are possible.
The other direction I'm sending energy is reinvigorating my relationship with my SO. We made love Sunday morning and it was lovely, the best we've been since I'm post-op.
Quote from: FinallyMichelle on December 09, 2017, 11:48:25 PM
I do think that those of us who are attracted to men have it a little easier. Scarier, but easier.
Definitely scarier... I don't think it's as common for a lesbian partner to become violent upon finding out you're trans as it is for a straight cismale partner.
I've been thinking some lately about queer community and especially lesbian community and how insular we can be. It doesn't matter whether I'm home or go to Provincetown, NYC or the Castro / SF, the queer venues are predominantly gay male owned and the female / lesbian spaces are vanishingly small in number.
This isn't hard to understand, first there is access to money, from a Prudential finance study:
QuoteHeterosexual males indicate the highest incomes, followed by gay men, heterosexual women and then lesbian women.
This matches my experience and there's a big social component imx that's maybe more important. Gay men go to bars to socialize and hookup in droves (and aesthetically these days heavily gay areas just begin to look like carbon copies, thousands of men all chasing what seems to be a highly conformist look). So there's simply money there to fuel businesses selling to the gay male demographic.
Women tend to relate, hookup, fall in love, by way of talking and more nuanced communication and there's no particular way to sell or make a profit on that.
(Happily I did learn of a pizza restaurant and bar not too far off that's supposed to be lesbian friendly. I'll check it out this week.)
Hmm, long time no update, I have another love interest, I don't know where it will lead (she's historically straight, yet we've hit it off with a strong and mutual emotional response and have already talked about our mutual attraction). She's also away for a long while right now attending to her unwell mom and so I'm having to hold my natural impatience in check. I'm sending the occasional love letter, she's reciprocating.
Is it love? Dunno, certainly could be and that's certainly exciting all by itself so will see where it goes :-).
Other news upcoming in my /sexuality co-thread.
Yesterday marked one year post-op. It was a long day, nonstop from 7:30a-9p and I wasn't able to get to anything special for celebrating, perfectly happy to mark it quietly, enjoying a day of a new experiment in blown glass and teaching my students who are always fun.
Congratulations! I so envied you last year about this time!! :-)
Thanks Gail, the GCS class for 2017 was not small, I'm glad to be a member, enjoyed making a bunch of great friends along the way.
Another bit of an update, I came out to parent, discussion here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236935.msg2131995.html#msg2131995
Things aren't great right now with any of my love-interests. Not hearing back from my long distance lover who's back in Seattle now after we had the very briefest visits a couple weeks ago. Another is on hold and things with my SO could be better.
So not the best way to be turning over 1 year post-op, things were honestly better at my 10.75 months post-op point and I'm hopeful they will move back that way generally soon. Work is going well, I'm happy with the glass I'm making. My problems are all decidedly of the first-world type :-)
A different kind of arrival
A little over a week ago I was in the midst of handling specification and purchase of a high vacuum chamber and pumps for a physics experiment. We're getting set to place 3 orders to two vendors totalling a bit over $30k. As it happens one of my colleagues (F) is wrapping up his dissertation, the final step to earning his PhD and has run into a serious snafu with his committee. So I'm picking up all the slack for work it would make more sense usually for F to do this work as I'm a contract engineer and my time comes pretty dear. However for now F is absolutely unavailable, not to say a little stressed.
So I politely pestered vendor B for his quotations, mostly because we needed a competitive quote on the longest lead time item and with our preferred vendor for that offering 45% discount, they're going to be a no-brainer. Being the polite woman I am, I asked and then didn't pester further until we were hard on the deadline.
It turns out vendor B had emailed the quotes to F. I can only assume this was because he's the man in the room. Color me a bit pissed as well as amused, I'm being treated like a woman and yeah it kinda sucks.
In other news I tried recently cycling off progesterone for the first time in ... well over a year and a half. I think that had something to do with a week of being weepy and emotional. Granted there's a lot of stress in my life just now but this was really over the top. Welcome to PMS, not fun and an interesting insight into another element of how cis females live. I think this may be the strongest empathy I've had yet for ftm transitioners ;-).
Quote from: rachel de Corvus on February 21, 2017, 03:49:50 PM
Hi Sadie,
i recently joined Susan's after long being a guest here and a member of a similar site. So, i cannot write directly. i relate to your story, though you are much further along. We have much in common!
Best wishes,
rachel
@rachel de Corvus Hello Rachel I have read some of your postings and I have noticed that you have been a member here at Susan's for over 2 years now. I did not find where you had been sent an Official Welcome message so please allow me to do just that.
Since you are not new here and have probably have already found out for yourself this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues regarding your area of interest, MTF transition.
WELCOME to Susan's Place. You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here.
Please come in and get involved at your own pace. Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
I did the annual update at pridestudy.org last night, my first go through it was soon after GCS.
It felt good to stand up and be counted :-)
There's quite a lot going on in Sadie's life this summer.
First it's good to be able to say my depression is at bay (knocking wood). Coming out to my parent was super triggering of my cPTSD response, coupled with my annual winter SAD and this spring was a fairly dark time. Dating continues to be decidedly challenging, I reblogged this thought in my Tumblr a couple weeks ago:
QuoteI'm loyal and kinky af, what more could you want?
I mean really, I knew dating wasn't going to be easy being a 62 yo lesbian and certainly the ease with which I hooked up with my GF from Seattle set me an unrealistic expectation for ongoing dating prospects. Work through late winter was equally difficult. It hasn't helped that late spring this year was one of the coldest I can remember, lots of rain and everything felt about a month behind.
However a lot of things shifted for the positive. I have a new work project that's some of the most exciting work I've done in a 45 year career. I picked up a new climbing partner back in late winter and our weekly climbing date has branched out to include a wonderful climbing weekend at the rumney NH crag and just yesterday a lovely morning teaching a couple of younger climbers the basics of lead climbing and the pleasure of getting on some short, fun. And I've finally been upping my miles cycling.
Oh and I've had 3 glass pieces accepted for an exhibit at the Sandwich Glass museum this coming fall.
This weekend was especially good. I found myself extraordinarily horny Saturday morning and more or less insisted on sex with my partner, it was good :-). Then I laid down 40 miles on the bike. I'm still far from fast but this was the most miles in several years and it felt amazing to be back on my trusty road bike. I finished the day with 6 hours of glass blowing, being bone tired and dehydrated, I didn't push working hard, just making some nice stuff. Then it was up at 6 for meeting my friends to climb. On returning home I had a well earned meal and a long nap!
I should add that 40 miles of riding wasn't easy on the lady bits, I didn't really start to feel the sting until I'd hit the 25 mile mark and by then muscle soreness was also coming on. When I went to pee at the end of the day it was a bit disconcerting to see a large blood stain in my underwear .. not surprising and I know regular riding should toughen things up. The worst of the damage seemsti b.have been rubbing between my labia, I think I'll be investing in chamois cream (I've been using hair conditioner which is certainly better than nothing).
Where much if last week was in the '90s, this week looks quite moderate and I'm looking forward to it, a nice change from feeling mostly apprehensive about the oncoming days.
Thank you for the update, Sadie! I'm sorry winter and spring were so rough, but it makes me happy to read that things have turned around for you.
You do cool things! I visited the Corning museum in New York a long time ago and was fascinated by glass-blowing and what can be fashioned with it. Rock climbing and biking are good for you as well as fun. Despite occasionally climbing the walls in my house, I don't think rock climbing would work for me due to my acrophobia, but I just got on my bike last night for the first time in probably a year. Felt good...
Please keep the life reports coming!
Stephanie
Hmm, long time no update!
The aftermath of my last post was a couple days after riding 40 I did a 12 mile day but in street clothes (Lycra biking kit is completely impractical on a work day). OMG the pain in my labia was excruciating. It hasn't been so bad since and the labia are toughening up slowly. I still like riding on my corrected bits lots more than how it was before :-)!
I'm on a new project (for several months now) it's technically challenging and while it's made me sometimes too busy to think, I'm mostly able to keep up with my women friends, still looking for the right new partner and also because I'm making something like a real wage now I can probably get to Seattle to see my GF there.
Oh and on finishing this morning's ride I was standing at a counter shaking salt onto my breakfast and was really amused to see my boobs wobbling under the bike jersey. A happy sight :-).
For the last couple of months I've been spending hangout time with a lovely woman, D who's becoming a close friend. She's far too young for me and yet it feels like we might become romantically close with time.
To be sure, I'm fine if we stay simply friends.
However this is yet another data point saying younger women seem far more likely to be accepting of a trans lesbian woman. Also it happened we both needed to wash hands when we met last night for a beer, that was another first, going to the ladies' washroom with a friend.
p.s. she let me indulge a desire to pick her up, woman weighs like 95lbs, so light, it felt good
p.p.s saw my pshrink today (back to her private office due to new insurance) she approves of how things are going with me :-)
Time for an update.
I've had work in a local museum show, that felt quite wonderful and the reception for the artists was quite wonderful, I wore a floaty skirt in hot pink and my favorite floral top, careful makeup. It felt good to know I was looking good, had nice compliments from several women present. Also having work in a museum nand having positive comments was nice (the comments on my outfit were still the highlight of the evening.
A couple of weeks ago this timely work on sexual harassment was presented at one of the other unis: https://vimeo.com/290749855 ...
The truly disappointing thing was just how little change there's been in the 30-odd years that harassment of women has been up for discussion. Also, solid data was presented on the extra challenges faced by women of color and lesbian/bi and trans women. Another (not surprising) aspect was the virtual absence of apparently male identified people; the audience was 90% women and a fair fraction of the men were clearly policy makers obligated to be there by their positions.
I've been talking with friends about this and about how to effect change in our organizations and communities based on the understandings presented in this work.
In more personal news, last week I filed my name change with the court, yesterday I arranged the necessary publication in the local paper, in something like 6 weeks I should be Sadie in the eyes of the State, soon to be then changed with employer, DMV, social security, US passport etc.
Having steady engineering work also means I'm finally able to afford some more femme clothing, and I'm working out a schedule to go see my lover C in Seattle in January with a possible side trip to Vancouver to see my penpal there, we've been exchanging virtual kisses for a couple of years now and it surely would be great if her schedule works for a visit and maybe some real kissing.
Either way I expect to have some good kiss&tell stories for February ;-)
My name change took about 100 days from filing to court order arriving. Good luck!
Hugs, Devlyn
Ugh, really, that long??! In that case I'll have to proceed with passport using old name, I'll check with Middlesex court on their schedule. Thanks for letting me know.
Yes, I documented it in this thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209974.0.html).
I guess you're in Norfolk, I had the citation back from Middlesex within 4 days and the paperwork says the time to file comments ends Oct 30 provided that notice has been published at least a week prior to then. I placed advertisement yesterday, it will run next week (so no later than the 12th) and the paper will be mailing me a proof sheet for the run to file back to the court.
So I guess the wheels of justice turn a bit more smoothly in Middlesex? I'll remain hopeful for mid November which would put me in easy time for passport by mid January. That's the only document that's time-sensitive, assuming my hot date in Vancouver actually gets scheduled :-).
Well "dating" has been very up and down. I usually get out to see one or another friend weekly and for now, none of them are romantic prospects. Everyone says you have to use the dating apps now to get anywhere and mostly I get catfished, women I start to get a rapport with ghost me more often than not. One I'd had some serious hope for seems to have disappeared off the dating app. I don't think she even ghosted me, rather it feels like her account must have been suspended (there's a thing I know men do on dating apps, make a connection with a woman and then once they're texting or whatever report them to the site to make them unavailable ... I guess some women are doing it too or perhaps men pretending to be women) Anyway Ugh :-(.
I have a couple of really nice women I'm talking to now and I put it out there early that I'd like not to get ghosted ... maybe that's part of why they're sticking around. Trying to be hopeful without getting hung up about it and I'm gonna talk to my phrink about my feelings on this now.
Work, both glass and technology are going well. Having decided I'd like to spend the balance of my life less focused on work and more on relationships .. well it would be nice to see those materialize.
I guess that's all for now. I've spent a little time here lately because of the political uproar over this idiotic administration. I think I'm coming to the end of my time at Susan's. Not spending much time here and I can't say I'm missing the place (people are another matter of course). I didn't think to mark the passing of the 20th anniversary of my first date with my SO, she's not lesbian and we're good for each other, however I really want romance, someone who craves me sexually, not just going along for the ride.
Sadie, this sounds familiar...
Everyone suggests assorted dating apps; apps turn out to have large populations of jerks or flakes; dating by app goes nowhere. Yup, my experience at that.
Work/life balance? Life is good, enjoy it!
And yes, I understand the fatigue with various sorts of stimulation; politics, folks figuring out their identities online, and such. The real world is far more interesting to me than the online world.
You gotta do what is best for yourself. And that sounds like just living your life, building your personal connections, and exploring. Good luck out there, and I hope everyone can find what they need.
Name change complete as of last Friday, just about 5 weeks from filing. And because I was still on masshealth as of my filing date, the fees were waived.
Next: make it official with employer, SSA, new driver's license and passport.
I also took the opportunity to send out my last coming out announcement, the one to all the extended family I never see, just about 3 years after I came out at work.
Sunday I auditioned for a Feb production of Vagina Monologues, I guess they liked me well enough, I'm in he cast!!
Yay!
It's been a long month of work and I've finally turned the corner on some technical problems, still lots to do, however I'm glad to have less pressure (ok it's self made pressure).
Taking an easy morning after working most of the weekend.
Quote from: SadieBlake on November 19, 2018, 10:47:09 AM
Sunday I auditioned for a Feb production of Vagina Monologues, I guess they liked me well enough, I'm in he cast!!
Yay!
It's been a long month of work and I've finally turned the corner on some technical problems, still lots to do, however I'm glad to have less pressure (ok it's self made pressure).
Taking an easy morning after working most of the weekend.
Wow, that's awesome, Sadie! I've been thinking that I might like to try community theater some day - after I get my voice straightened out. It sounds like incredible fun, if a lot of work. Congratulations on landing the part!
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 19, 2018, 10:53:14 AM
Wow, that's awesome, Sadie! I've been thinking that I might like to try community theater some day - after I get my voice straightened out. It sounds like incredible fun, if a lot of work. Congratulations on landing the part!
Stephanie
Thanks Steph! Actually my voice isn't changed, I already have problems with speaking too quietly and because I sometimes work in pretty loud environments, I really can't afford then loss in dB that would go with upping my pitch. I am far from passable anyway so vocally I mostly just focus on inflection and tone.
Below is our Thanksgiving meal .. goose, sausage & chestnut stuffing, broccolini, potatoes, turnip and cranberry-orange relish. We followed that with a pumpkin pie made from local sugar pumpkin. My GF took me to bed in the mid afternoon, that was nice and I have a date with a woman I've been chatting with online for a while this Monday (going to the local rock gym).
So lots to be thankful for.
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/aka20l13qmch9cz/15429317100120.jpg?raw=1)
Referencing this post https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218064.msg2078639.html#msg2078639
She's back in town just for Thursday to Friday morning. Haven't seen her since April (and very briefly and I'm super anticipating how great it's going to be, while tempering this with knowing she has so serious health issues and it may be she will need some taking care of & TLC. I'm good with either and taking care of and for her has been what I do in the time.we had last winter and spring.
And of course when it rains it pours, I have a tinder date with a woman for Sunday morning brunch. She seems very game, we related well in chat and her approach is to minimize online chatting and just go ahead & get meet up. So yay!
I'm also facilitating this months lesbian & bi women's discussion group, Friday ... Topic is sex and intimacy, we'll see if this leads to lively discussion!
The first night of monologues performances was last night .. it was an emotionally wonderful and also tiring experience. Afterward I went out with my newest however also now ex - lover. Sometimes the best things in life are brief.
I'm not sure I know what the goddess is trying to tell me now :-)
Quote from: SadieBlake on February 16, 2019, 11:45:48 AM
The first night of monologues performances was last night .. it was an emotionally wonderful and also tiring experience. Afterward I went out with my newest however also now ex - lover. Sometimes the best things in life are brief.
I'm not sure I know what the goddess is trying to tell me now :-)
It sounds as if the performances went well for you. That is great!
Chrissy
Quote from: SadieBlake on February 16, 2019, 11:45:48 AM
The first night of monologues performances was last night .. it was an emotionally wonderful and also tiring experience. Afterward I went out with my newest however also now ex - lover. Sometimes the best things in life are brief.
I'm not sure I know what the goddess is trying to tell me now :-)
Congratulations on the performance! The Monlogues is one of the more interesting theatrical performances I've seen.
I see the coming and going of people, friends, and lovers as part of the flow of life, preparing us for what is yet to come. I hope the Universe rewards you well at some point.
Quote from: SadieBlake on February 16, 2019, 11:45:48 AM
The first night of monologues performances was last night .. it was an emotionally wonderful and also tiring experience. Afterward I went out with my newest however also now ex - lover. Sometimes the best things in life are brief.
I'm not sure I know what the goddess is trying to tell me now :-)
That is awesome! I'm part of a performance of the VM next Saturday (2/23) and looking forward to it. I'm the only trans woman in the performance.
Thanks babes! Last performance was yesterday afternoon and It was definitely my best. I've had people every day approach me after the performances and say wonderful things ... being an introvert I find this disconcerting, however there's no doubt it's nice being appreciated!
Sydney that's SO cool! If you have video or audio of the production, I'd be so glad to see it!
I also made a glass vagina as a gift for the production, I'll post photos to this thread when I get a chance.
Here's my summary of the week.
Dress rehearsal and production days, young and very pretty women doing wardrobe and makeup (in between their problem sets, writing papers etc). Boobs, asses on display. How can one not be attracted? and so I work to not cross any lines, it's just bodies and as I'm staff and they're students I am so wary of the need to be respectful.
Such a hectic pace .. it takes a lot out of me and this month was already every bit as challenging for me with work as it is for our students ... my hours aren't as long as theirs but I'm also 40 years older and research funds and progress depend on continuing to stay on top of stuff.
It's emotionally wrenching, I went into every day to present something a little different (I need to keep it new and do best with stuff that's not heavily rehearsed, that doesn't mean not being mentally prepared).
So many of my friends came to see and support, I didn't want to let them down.
Most of all I realize I was there for our cast and crew. We're raising consciousness with these performances, however the audiences only see a fraction and I see these women as warriors in quite literally changing the world.
Also glad to be finished. I need to get back to a more emotionally stable place.
Sadie
I'm having GRS with Dr Wittenberg at the end of April 2019. I could really use any insight you might have. I'm more worried about the recovery than the surgery itself. I have a special needs son and being away from him for weeks is going to cause us both a lot of stress.
I really like Dr Wittenberg and feel she's easy to talk to. I think she's a good choice for me.
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Quote from: SadieBlake on February 18, 2019, 11:48:14 AM
Sydney that's SO cool! If you have video or audio of the production, I'd be so glad to see it!
I also made a glass vagina as a gift for the production, I'll post photos to this thread when I get a chance.
Here's my summary of the week.
Dress rehearsal and production days, young and very pretty women doing wardrobe and makeup (in between their problem sets, writing papers etc). Boobs, asses on display. How can one not be attracted? and so I work to not cross any lines, it's just bodies and as I'm staff and they're students I am so wary of the need to be respectful.
Such a hectic pace .. it takes a lot out of me and this month was already every bit as challenging for me with work as it is for our students ... my hours aren't as long as theirs but I'm also 40 years older and research funds and progress depend on continuing to stay on top of stuff.
It's emotionally wrenching, I went into every day to present something a little different (I need to keep it new and do best with stuff that's not heavily rehearsed, that doesn't mean not being mentally prepared).
So many of my friends came to see and support, I didn't want to let them down.
Most of all I realize I was there for our cast and crew. We're raising consciousness with these performances, however the audiences only see a fraction and I see these women as warriors in quite literally changing the world.
Also glad to be finished. I need to get back to a more emotionally stable place.
Sadie
This is the first time performing the VM, but my 4th live stage performance (and countless on-camera performances). For this performance, we are wearing feminist T-Shirts and leggings or pants. (I'm probably going to wear leggings). This is the shirt I chose for the show:
(https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/714WO1VDomL._UX679_.jpg)
I've worked with some of the cast members with other performances and we also sang for a Benefit concert for a local women's shelter for battered women last December and had a great time.
Shawnna,
Yes, she's and AMAZING doc, I still think of her every week and of course I included her in my monologue (which was an introduction the to monologue "Beat", about trans experiences of violence.
My experience was that I recovered well, and still it involve more pain and time than I'd hoped.