These jokes appeared on another thread but that thread was deleted for some reason. I don't think that these jokes were the problem so I thought that I'd put them on an new thread. All olde jokes welcome.
************************
Why does the fairy sit at the top of the Christmas tree?
Long ago, after a particularly arduous Christmas Eve, Santa Claus and his fairy arrived back at the North Pole. Santa was exhausted and no longer his jolly self.
"Wait!" said the fairy, "There's one Christmas tree left in the sleigh. What should I do with it?"
Santa told her, and that's why she sits at the top of the Christmas tree.
************************
This is not a good joke but I like it because it encompasses my view of sanity.
At his monthly review, a patient in an asylum is pulling a piece of string along the floor.
The psychiatrist asks "what have you got there?"
"Im walking my dog, Fido" answers the patient.
"You're not well yet" says the psychiatrist and the patient goes back to his room.
At his next review, the patient is still pulling the string.
"What have you got there?" asks the psychiatrist again.
"I'm just pulling a piece of string" answers the patient.
"You're OK" says the psychiatrist.
The patient leaves the asylum, a free man.
He turns to the piece of string and says "We fooled them, Fido."
Like I said, a poor joke. Just remember, though - no matter what weird stuff is buzzing around in your head, you are sane ... as long as you remember that other people can only see a piece of string.
These jokes were also on the deleted thread. I heard them a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, so they may have an alien quality.
==============================
A rugged young man purchased a farm in a wild, remote area, many miles away from the nearest town or village. Not very long after he settled in, his nearest neighbour arrived on horseback. The visitor was wild, bearded and huge, but brandished a bottle of the local moonshine as a welcoming gift. The young farmer invited his neighbour onto the verandah, where they toasted each other and talked about their farms.
When it was time for him to leave, the wild man mounted his horse and turned to the young farmer.
"I'm having a party at my place on Saturday night and I'd like you to come. I should warn you, though, that at my parties, there is always a lot of drinking, a lot of fighting and a lot of sex!"
"Sounds like my kind of party!" replied the young man. "What should I wear?"
"Oh, it doesn't matter," shouted his wild neighbour while his horse was trotting away, "it'll just be the two of us."
==============================
This story is best told to someone who may not know what they are talking about.
A lion approached a remote farm. Usually, it avoided the habitations of men, but it had not eaten in a long time and it was almost starving. It could not resist the temptation of killing a young bull tethered in one of the farm's paddocks, and it settled down to eat its best meal in ages. When it was satisfied, it let out the nighttime roars that were once so familiar in the wildest areas of Africa.
In the homestead, the farmer listened. He had not heard such sounds in the area for years, but he knew them well.
"Wife, bring me my heavy rifle" he said.
The lion was still happily roaring when the farmer shot it dead.
The moral of the story is:
When you're full of bull, shut up!
==============================
This story is best told by newlywed men to their wives.
A farmer decided that it was high time he got married. He took two of his horses and rode into town. He chose a wife from among the oldest and most desperate girls at the local orphanage, and after marrying quickly, they rode back to his farm.
On the road, the farmer's mount stumbled and threw him.
"Once!" said the farmer to the horse. Then he remounted and they rode on together.
The horse stumbled again, and again the farmer was thrown.
The farmer drew out his rifle and shot the horse.
"You monster!" cried his new wife. "How could you do such a thing?"
The farmer turned to his horrified bride. "Once!" he said.
What do you call a cow whose left legs are longer than the right ones?
Lean Beef!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!
I remembered a rhyme that I heard as a child, certainly before 1963 (I know that because of where I was), and it made me smile. It is a little crude but it has a well crafted aabba stanza form, rather like a limerick but with fewer syllables:
Davy Crocket
went up in a rocket.
The rocket went bang,
his &^%* went twang
and he found his ^*%&s in his pocket.
There's an Irishman moved in next door
Oh really
No O'Riley
The following rather poor verse, which I heard in nursery school in 1960, I record for historical and cultural purposes.
Old Mother Riley
went to Filey
on the Filey bus.
The bus bumped,
she trumped,
all the way to Filey.
For the benefit of the very young (aka tykes) and those not from Yorkshire (aka non-Tykes), I will mention that Old Mother Riley was a popular character played by Arthur Lucan in drag, and Filey is a small town on the Yorkshire coast.
"Trumped" refers to the fact that Old Mother Riley was winning at cards. If any English members think that trump means something else, keep it to yourselves.
This one I remember from watching the bearded TV chef Philip Harben in 1966. It was probably a repeat programme even then. He cracked it during one of his demonstrations. (I'm improvising a bit as it was a long time ago but the dialogue is verbatim as he said it [with Strine accents, of course].)
Australian Hospital Drama
Patient: Nurse, did I come here to die?
Nurse: No, yesterday.
I recently posted in a topic that touched upon fake orgasms and I was reminded of a slightly crude limerick that suggested that men could also fake it. I heard it many years ago and I gathered that it was originally composed in a Nairobi bar during Kenya's colonial period:
A policeman of Walthamstow Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
For years of his life
Deceived his poor wife
By judicious misuse of his truncheon
(I think that US police call truncheons nightsticks. I think that British police no longer carry them, probably because tazers don't usually leave bruises.)
Battered fish aren't flat
Steam rollers don't roll steam
Thats it!! apart from elephant jokes like " how do you know there has been an elephant in your fridge?...foortprints in the butter"
"How many Elephants can you fit in a mini minor?....4.... two in the front and two in the back...how many kangaroo's can you fit in a mini minor.... None...its full of elephants"
Sorry I will stop now ;D
This joke I heard many years ago in Southern Africa and it seems appropriately African, although it could have been invented anywhere.
Van der Merwe (the butt of many Southern African jokes) was walking through the bush with a friend.
"Why are you wearing running shoes?" asked the friend.
"In case we meet a lion" replied van der Merwe.
"That's silly" replied his friend, "you couldn't run faster than a lion, even wearing those."
"I don't have to run faster than a lion" explained van der Merwe, "I just have to run faster than you."