Hi all. Following the advice of the esteemed (and popular!) Lady Danielle, I am starting a thread to chronicle my internal ping-pong match regarding transition. My intro post and a few other threads I started give some background info on my life and shaky marriage, for those who are curious.
Until recently, I had always regarded transition as an unrealistic dream, akin to leaping the Grand Canyon, something that would not end well if actually attempted. Think Wile E. Coyote. I always thought I could find a way to compartmentalize my feminine feelings and just be a cross-dresser on occasion. But I no longer so sure that it can play out that way. Something seems to be growing within me that has a mind of its own, and I'm not sure how much choice or control I really have any more. Or more to the point, what "I" really means any more. And it frightens me near to death. I keep wanting to pull up a trash can and throw up.
I have been seeing a gender therapist for a couple of months. I have not been in therapy for many years, and it's been an interesting experience to say the least. Many of the things I find myself saying do not sound like part-time stuff, though some do. I have had some opportunities over the last 18 months or so to have extended (week or so) periods of privacy and run of the house, and I find that I want to dabble and experiment with femme presentation more and more. Barring some reason like work to present as male, I find myself pretty much unable to do so. The only real constraint seems to be how much courage I can muster up to dress up and go out the door. I can do so enough to do some shopping, run some errands, etc., but of course that's just a drop in the bucket. To be sure, "dress up" for me runs to pants, tops, flat shoes. But if the tops are nice, the shoes feminine, if jewelry and a purse are worn, androgyny disappears rather quickly. And unfortunately, from the neck up, especially, I am unmistakably a natal, 65-yo male.
As can be seen here. (Please, shield the eyes of children/animals.)
Before with a capital B -- no HRT, no electrolyis, nice short male haircut, wrinkles, etc.. Unfortunately my selfie skills are quite weak, but it gets the point across. There are no afters, but then that's kind of the question.
(https://i.imgur.com/rsdZcwx.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/fJpBH6l.jpg)
As can be seen, a rough canvas. Passability seems quite unlikly. I would probably always be read almost immediately. My ceiling would be a presentable, neat, older (and obvious) transwoman. Which seems mostly fine actually, but I feel I stick out like a sore thumb in public now and I feel really self-conscious. It's hard to be relaxed. I hate to think it would always be that way, but maybe I could learn to be comfortable living as openly and unmistakenably trans. And appearance would improve to some degree with effort, practice, confidence, etc..
So.... what to do, what to do. I'm thinking of starting HRT and/or beard removal. Either one would be a large step, but neither is a firm commitment to fully transition. The thought of breast development does give me pause, especially with chest hair. Seems wrong somehow, and I don't know how they would look with my frame. Losing physical strength would be a minus as well. It might hamper the ability to do some things I do now.
I do find that that the male part of me just kicks back like a mule sometimes. Certainly has been the last week or so. Condensed version: "Are you f***ing nuts?" The reasons not to transition seem so rational at times. Coming out to family/friends is frightening. I am certainly an old dog to be learning new tricks. It would likely destroy my marriage (my wife has been non-supportive thus far), and the limited social network I have mostly revolves around friends of my wife. There could be some serious loneliness down a transition path. I do hate to think of screwing up her sunset years. I tend to be loyal as a dog unfortunately. Splitting up would hurt us both financially. She relies on me for a lot of things. It does make me wonder how successful low-dose HRT or underdressing could be in cobbling together some sort of compromise. But there is a part of me that aches to take a running start and leap off the cliff. I'm wondering if a time will come when my mind says "On the other hand" and my feet are going to say "No worries. I've got this."
Don't be too quick to judge your passability. You might be a rough canvas, but it might take paint well.
With beard removal, eyebrow shaping, and a good wig, you'd be surprised at how little attention you will draw. Then add in the feminization effects of HRT and some basic makeup, and you could be a good-looking woman.
You seem to have a good head of hair, so you might be able to dispense with the wig after growing your hair out. You could start growing it without committing to transition.
I started my transition at 61. I am 64 now (today, in fact! :D ), far from complete in my transition, but I turned out not too bad. You'll be surprised.
If your wife is truly non-supportive, it is going to be difficult to transition, but not impossible. Obviously, separation would mean you and she would live in reduced financial circumstances, but would it be crippling? Emotionally, of course it would hurt, but could you recover? What I am getting at is to try to be as realistic as possible about the options facing you. The road ahead may be rocky, but it might not be blocked.
And then contrast it with as realistic an assessment as you can manage of the emotional cost to you if you do not transition. That was the kicker for me. Once I realized the emotions I had been suppressing for decades to play the male role, I knew I could not continue to do that. I tried to picture me, in my mid eighties, still compelled to cross-dress in secret, to pretend to be a guy. And the pain of even contemplating that vision gave me my answer: I had to move forward.
When you do those assessments of your future options, your answers may come up quite different from mine. But either way, you will know, and that can guide your decisions going forward.
I got lucky: my wife decided to stay. Maybe yours will, too. Many wives do. Some don't. Whatever you decide, and whatever happens, I wish you good luck on your journey!
Randi,
You and I are in very similar situations except that I'm about ten years younger but you are in so much better shape than me physically. From some of the things I've seen here at Susan's makeup and hormones would be pretty amazing and making you much more presentable. I stare in the mirror and keep telling myself what the hell are you thinking? I would have so much less anxiety if I could start the HRT treatment with a body like yours. That's my goal to shave my body down about 80-90 pounds. It's daunting but what in life that you truly desire isn't? I worry about my marriage because my wife has been pretty devastated by my coming out. She's a huge supporter of all gay rights but this is too close to the bone for her, I believe. Such is life. I am only getting this one opportunity so I have decided I am no longer living my life for others. It's my time to rise. I hope you find the courage to be your true self whatever that ends up being. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Happy birthday Kathy! And thanks for the advise. Financially, my wife and I should both be ok in the event of a divorce. From my perspective, in fact, I think being out would make it a bargain. The best I ever had. :D But her perspective would understandably be different. I would likely be bitter if I were in her shoes. But maybe it won't come to that. Believe me, I am aware of the costs of the status quo.
Gabrielle, Thanks for the support. I hope things go well with you. You are right that the process is daunting, and then some. Good luck moving forward.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you could pass if you put in the work. I didn't think I'd ever pass either and less than six months into hormones with good presentation I started to pass and it feels great.
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Hello,
I disagree with your assessment that you'll never be passable. Age is no barrier I started at 43 and things moved quickly making me passable within 4-6 months. In terms of your hair if you grew it out it could be quite striking I think. The effects of hrt can be quite surprising.Wrinkles... you end up with less as your skin changes a little to the lack of testosterone so again, you could be surprised.
My wife and I are still living together, but the physical marriage part is over and thats ok because it pretty much was anyway. In terms of strength you will lose a fair bit, but, for me, that is just fine I don't want to move fridges by myself anyway.
It may not be as much of cliff as you think. :)
Dear Randi - As has already been said, don't be too hard on yourself. I have taken the approach to treat the whole process as an experiment. Take a step, evaluate
and then decide backward, forward, or hold. The looks will improve by taking some simple steps - a good quality wig, properly fit and trimmed, some help with makeup, and finding some clothes that complement your figure. The scariest step for me was the first time I ventured out into public. Fortunately, I had some very supportive friends who nurtured me through that process. Making that step widened my view of what is possible. I have now ventured out of my own, and that remains a scary venture for me.
I wish you well in your exploration.
Anne
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I agree with the others you can probably pass a lot better than you think. We are often our own worst critics and will compare ourselves to young supermodels/celebrities when those aren't realistic expectations for almost any woman. Some makeup, fashion, and hair styling go a long way and HRT goes even further. It's just very hard to know what the best thing to do is, because certain parts of transition you can't know with certainty until you try. There is a "leap of faith" involved no matter how much soul searching and research you do, which can be really scary.
The situation with your wife being non-supportive is tough too. :( Maybe she'd become more supportive when she realizes this is truly something you need to do and can't be changed but that's impossible to know for sure until you do it too. Losing your social support network would really suck but you could eventually find some new friends who you wouldn't have to hide stuff from.
They say the only person who can truly decide is you, which I totally agree with, but it's really hard when you can't seem to decide either... Good luck and I hope you can figure out what the best path is for you.
Thanks all for the kind words. Not trying to beat myself up, just trying to be realistic. A wig is probably in my near-term future. Part of the reason I haven't done that yet is I have wondered how gender queer I am, as opposed to needing to formally transition. That is still an open question. I can handle presenting as an effeminate male for sure, and it's less work. But in many ways, it's more noticeable and non-conventional than trans. I have to admit that the female end of the binary seems to be shining like the North Star more and more these days. My happy coincidence, I have my first support group meeting tonight. Hopefully I can get some good references for wigs and electrolysis.
Guess this counts as an update. Went to my second support group meeting last night. Took some clothes and changed there before/after. My wife thinks that's not cool, apparently. The floors of the house were eggshells all morning, and she made clear she was really happy for me to go play golf. Guess she considers me one of the trannies now (her words). Christ this hurts.
Quote from: randim on October 21, 2018, 02:21:00 PM
Guess this counts as an update. Went to my second support group meeting last night. Took some clothes and changed there before/after. My wife thinks that's not cool, apparently. The floors of the house were eggshells all morning, and she made clear she was really happy for me to go play golf. Guess she considers me one of the trannies now (her words). Christ this hurts.
Ouch... I have a very similar situation going on with my wife. I went to my first support group meeting with her support and I came back elated because I was finally not alone with this and everything suddenly seemed real. It was no longer something in cyberspace but something that was possible (and increasingly likely). Not thinking I blurted out exactly how fabulous it was and how fantastic and natural everyone looked. Now she doesn't want me to go to any more meetings because she doesn't want to encourage me.
And we too are now walking on eggshells carefully avoiding all mention of it. The one good thing though is that a lot of hurt was spoken and we are now talking a lot more... just everything but the elephant in the room.
I wish I had some advise to depart but as I am in a very similar situation all I can offer is that you are not alone.
I hope things work out for you.
love
Alice
So.... my therapist has been wanting a session with my non-supportive spouse. So that is finally set up and I sent my therapist a email confirming it and mentioning some of the anxieties my wife has about the session. And her reply was "Okay, wonderful. I will make sure to make her feel as comfortable as possible. These sessions tend to go well, so don't feel too anxious about that piece."
But, but Molly. What piece should i feel anxious about? ??? What pronouns are you going to use? :icon_eek:
(Mostly just kidding. But I am nervous. And I didn't think about the pronoun business until today. Could be "interesting.")
Quote from: randim on October 29, 2018, 03:35:49 PM
So.... my therapist has been wanting a session with my non-supportive spouse. So that is finally set up and I sent my therapist a email confirming it and mentioning some of the anxieties my wife has about the session. And her reply was "Okay, wonderful. I will make sure to make her feel as comfortable as possible. These sessions tend to go well, so don't feel too anxious about that piece."
But, but Molly. What piece should i feel anxious about? ??? What pronouns are you going to use? :icon_eek:
(Mostly just kidding. But I am nervous. And I didn't think about the pronoun business until today. Could be "interesting.")
@randim Dear Randi:I have my fingers crossed for you and your wife regarding her upcoming meeting with your therapist. It sounds to me that your therapist is experienced with non-supportive spouses... I hope that it goes as well as planned.
In the future I hope that your therapists might suggest a "couples" session where together with help of your therapist you and your wife can discuss and work out amicable solutions to the different issues that you and her have.
I will be looking for your updates as you feel comfortable posting them....
Hugs and wishing you well,
Danielle
Thanks for the kind words Danielle. The session was today, and while I think the session itself went well (Kristin liked her, thought the session was fine, etc.) it didn't help much with her attitude. Angry, cold, harsh, all that good stuff when I came home. She's still normal. I am not. Sarcastic, belittling comments. Unfavorable comparisons to every one of her friends' spouses. Still a zero-tolerance policy of any overt expressions of femininity around her. I suppose I should be glad she didn't call me a vomit-inducing freak. She was thinking it though. The therapist recommended some books like My Husband Betty, and she did say those made her want to throw up. Makes you feel special. Went into another room and cried for a while after our chat. Sadly enough, it doesn't make me feel like she is my best friend, or for that matter, much of a friend at all. I understand it's an atomic bomb in her life, but her reaction has not been kind.
That's really tough I'm so sorry to hear she isn't being supportive about it that's really hard to go through hearing that kind of stuff from someone you love. :(
It was her first time though and maybe it will lay some groundwork to help her understand better in the future? It's a lot to process after all. Is she at least willing to try reading some of those books? Or is she just literally judging a book by it's cover?
So...minor update. I did tell my hair stylist I was transgender today. He's gay, and was cool about it, but it was still a bit awkward. It was nice to be able to open a bit though and talk more honestly about what I would like done with my hair. Not there yet by any means (the hair), but some progress.
Living in interesting times. I have the house to myself for a week or so and it seems to be going as I thought it might. Burst of shopping, making a concerted effort to only present male at work. Hoping to get comfortable carrying a purse. That seems to be a strangely significant gender marker for me. I went to a trans meetup event at the lgbt center, which was interesting but most of the people were much younger than me. I have an appointment tomorrow for a wig fitting/shopping. In emails with owner, i'm explaining I'm transgender. Feels pretty scary. Trying to figure out what to wear. I want to look my best but not overly dressed. That's a first-world problem I guess. Things not improving much with Kristin. She called me a sick freak recently and continues to be upset with any contact I make with the trans community. I just don't know. At times I feel like an old fool, but then I walk across the floor in a pair of flats and my heart melts. It just feels so, so right. I feel at times like I'm being swept out to sea by an irresistible tide. Sure hope there's an island out there.
Well, I did in fact make it to the wig shop. The owners were quite wonderful people who were very friendly and supportive. I wish I looked as good as they said I did :) Oh, the final result is at https://imgur.com/CRhlU9Q for the curious. So, no passing miracle or anything, but it definitely moves further along on the line towards the female end and shows some effort at improving presentation. It will simultaneously be an exhilarating and terrifying experience rocking it in public. Schrodinger's transgender I guess. In my internal war, score a fairly significant victory for team pink.
Hi Randi,
Only just now catching up your story. Reading what Kristin called you recently must have hurt. Reading that made me feel quite sad. You are not an old fool. You are being true to yourself, and that is all you can do. That might sound like a cliche, but it can still be true...
The wig looks good on you. I really like the style. It suits you.
~Dee.
Randi
I wish you all the best in your journey. Sorry to hear about your wife. That hurts to even read about.
Your wig looks good. With some makeup and appropriate clothing I think you'll look just great.
Hi Randi!
At 56, I'm also of a certain age. I can tell you from experience, HRT and makeup can do miracles. Granted my profile photo shows me after an hour in the chair with a professional makeup artist, and is way more involved than my daily go to work makeup, but still — it shows what is possible.
Go to a Sephora or an Ulta, get someone to work on you, and spend a C note or two on some product to get some quality stuff for your face and reward your salesperson for their work.
One of the best things I ever did back when was to sit in the chair and get matched for foundation.
Have fun and see where the road leads.
Hugs, Carly
Thanks all for the support. I actually have been to a Sephora for a foundation match and I was wearing it in the wig photo. Probably not very well applied, and trying to get the concealer right underneath is difficult without looking too heavily/obviously made up. I have alternated between trying concealer and color corrector for the beard shadow, but it's a tough nut to crack. A close-up shot from a bad camera angle doesn't help either. And no blush, no eye makeup, nothing on the brows, etc. I am thinking of going to Sephora today to get advice on blush and lipstick, etc. Maybe revisit what can be done about the beard shadow. The obvious answer is beard removal, but that is a long term commitment. Wearing the wig will be interesting. I will obviously be a man in a wig, but I will look less mannish than without it. And a whole, whole lot better from the side and back. So it feels like progress. It feels like a step forwards towards claiming and owning a public female presentation. There are plenty of 65-yo women who don't look like models. I think there's room for one more.
So... Had the day off today and ventured out into the world looking like this... https://imgur.com/vcyMu8M The riding boots don't show up. Got lots of smiles and nice treatment and even got called Miss once. Store training I guess. It was quite interesting in terms of walking around with long hair, even if artificial. It..just...kept...falling...in...my...face. Amazing to be discovering things ciswomen discovered in middle school. I think there is definitely a skill set in terms of posture and movements to minimize it, but you probably have to relax and accept that if it's not in your mouth or blocking your vision you just own it and roll with it. At least that happened with me. I can see why older women go with shorter cuts. I'm sure it loses it charm after 20 years.
Randi you look so great!!! I'm so happy you got to have that experience.
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Looking amazing!
So, my transcation is over as Kristin returns from the coast. Clothes, makeup, etc. get discretely stored here and there in the house to honor our shaky DADT arrangement. She is slated for a session with my therapist tomorrow. The therapist wants to alternate sessions between her and me for a while. Molly is good, but I fear my wife will be a tough nut to crack. Interesting time to myself. Got a good wig and wore it out in public a few times, expanded the makeup to include some eye makeup and lipstick. My skills are weak with that, but as with anything else, practice, practice. And I did get some more of that. Climbing a notch up the femme ladder definitely takes me out of my comfort zone. At times I felt like a big buffalo stomping about, all mannish and clumsy, and really self-conscious and nervous a lot. And my face. Oh...my...god... Let's just say I'm read faster than a speeding bullet from a great distance. But I have always thought that if I keep going down this path I just have to put my big girl pants on and accept being an openly, out trans person that doesn't pass. That is a tough adjustment, but if it's just me, internally, I could handle that I think. But as always, the big question is if my wife and I can reach any sort of compromise with me being trans. I have some really tough decisions if we can't. I don't know if I would decide to transition, but I'd sure love to experiment more and go further down the road. The final chapters of my life could have some real plot twists. At least being trans has helped my sex life. I walk to my car at work now and think "I am so, so f*****d."
Weird times looming. Trying to get ready for Christmas while thinking in the back of mind this might be my last Christmas with my wife. I am increasingly unhappy trying to live this "normal" straight life. Feeling increasingly dysphoric when I see my reflection in the mirror, when I get dressed conventionally in my male clothes. It's not agonizing or anything, but increasingly meh and unsatisfying. I ponder fantasies like... donating blood en femme. I have a bunch of Christmas shopping still to do. I want to do it as a woman. But Kristin shows no signs of thawing and I can't keep living with someone who so clearly disrespects, if not despises, the authentic me. I don't want to blow up the holidays or drop a family bomb on my daughter while she prepares for her marriage in June, but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up past the wedding. Wondering what things will be like after the wedding is over. Thinking hard of starting HRT and laser in 2019. That might be the gun safe that breaks the camel's back. I don't even know how to describe myself. Woman, transwoman, non-gender-conforming natal male? All of the above? I am increasingly afraid cis male is about all that is going to work in my relationship, and sadly, that just isn't me.
@randim Dear Randi:As you have experienced so far, the transition journey can certainly be an exciting one, but it can also be a road full of potholes, disappointments, and discouragement.
You are the one that obviously has to modulate your transition course and timing so that it works with your relationships and your life endeavors.
This can all be very difficult anytime but especially so during the holiday season with all the events around family, friends, meals and parties all so close together, etc.
An easy answer for solving your issues certainly escapes me but do know that I can identify with some of the pain that you are feeling. You are definitely not alone in what you are going through as you described it. It doesn't take too much looking around the various threads here on the Forums to see that many other transitioners are having or have had similar difficulties as well. Read over some of those appropriate postings to glean any help that you are able.
Certainly therapy sessions, counseling and even "couples" counseling with a good gender therapist can be helpful.
I will be following your thread to keep up with what is happening with you... I am praying for good news.
I really do not know how else to advise you... but I am thinking of you and trusting and hoping that you can discover amicable solutions for your and your wife, your daughter, and certainly other family members and friends.
Hugs and well wishes to you and please try your best to have a happy holiday season.
Thank you very much for sharing.
More HUGS,
DanielleQuote from: randim on December 18, 2018, 03:52:33 PM
Weird times looming. Trying to get ready for Christmas while thinking in the back of mind this might be my last Christmas with my wife. I am increasingly unhappy trying to live this "normal" straight life. Feeling increasingly dysphoric when I see my reflection in the mirror, when I get dressed conventionally in my male clothes. It's not agonizing or anything, but increasingly meh and unsatisfying. I ponder fantasies like... donating blood en femme. I have a bunch of Christmas shopping still to do. I want to do it as a woman. But Kristin shows no signs of thawing and I can't keep living with someone who so clearly disrespects, if not despises, the authentic me. I don't want to blow up the holidays or drop a family bomb on my daughter while she prepares for her marriage in June, but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up past the wedding. Wondering what things will be like after the wedding is over. Thinking hard of starting HRT and laser in 2019. That might be the gun safe that breaks the camel's back. I don't even know how to describe myself. Woman, transwoman, non-gender-conforming natal male? All of the above? I am increasingly afraid cis male is about all that is going to work in my relationship, and sadly, that just isn't me.
Randi, I feel for you. I look at my male clothes that still hang in the wardrobe and feel terribly unhappy (dysphoric) if I find myself needing to wear them.
Once out the bottle, the wanting to transition genie is very hard to put back in.
I started doing laser hair removal on my face before coming out and was amazed by the number of people who never noticed. People often don't really look, do they?
If you can start doing laser to help keep yourself sane, I say go for it! No need to wait.
About your relationship with Kristin I have been hoping you would report a positive change. I don't want to give up on better news in the future, and Danielle's advice is sound.
But in the end, you are the only one who can say what you can live with, and without.
~Dee.
Randi,
I think you look amazing! I'm really pulling for you. We've all been there in some form or fashion. My advice is simple and unafraid. Decide what makes YOU happy. Do THAT at all costs!
Happy holidays,
Beverly
@Danielle (and, really to everyone)
Thanks so much for your support. It means more than you know. You really are just super, super sweet. One of the very best qualities. Advise is nice,... but hugs are better. I am very grateful.
@Dee
Thanks for your concern. That is very kind. You are so, so right about genies. They seem to have a mind of their own, don't they? Of course, they also grant wishes..... Ummm.
@Beverly
Thanks so much for the kind words. Judging from people's reactions, amusing might be more appropriate than amazing. :D But smiles of any sort are kind. For an old, hormone-less, beard-shadowy coot, it will do. I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas as well.
Oh, do you have the time
To listen to me whine?
I have not updated my sad saga in some time. So, back the dump truck up!
There may be some signs of thawing on the marital front. Maybe. The last support group meeting I went to Kristin saw me take clothes out in a bag and noted it. The next day she nervously asked if she could see my outfit. I did not model but showed her the jeans and sweater. She seemed relived. And a couple of days later she hinted that I could perhaps wear something to bed. I told her I would think about that. My concern there is that what I have are a couple of nightgowns, which, unfortunately, suffer badly from man-in-a-dress syndrome. It would probably work better if she just saw me in something more androgynous. But still, it seems like progress. I kick myself for not parlaying those openings into a more meaningful conversation, but she has been so emotionally abusive in the past I just don't feel secure. I don't want to be called a freak, or abnormal, or a >-bleeped-< so I stay silent, even when I shouldn't.
Along those lines, my therapist has been having me write a letter to Kristin, and I'm about done with that. Not sure how that would be to deliver it. It is true that it's a good vehicle for expressing myself openly. It's been a while since I've done a letter, and it has some feeling of anonymity, even though it is not, and hence more honesty. We'll see how it goes. I do have a fear of any real conservation about it ending up like Maura/Shelly in the first season of Transparent. "You let other people see you like this?.....I'm out of here." I don't know.
The great irony is that I am struggling mightily with what I want to do. Every time I try to present female, I feel so disappointed. I am so old, so male. My therapist says it is common for dysphoria to be severe at the stage I'm in (am I in a stage!). Maybe that it it. But it is worrisome that it remains so, so difficult to present in public. It is true that I tend to have lonnng stretches between doing so, but every time it seems I have to sit in the car and breath in and out real hard a few times and tell myself to put my big girl pants on. It is true that I almost always do, and when I do, it feels....awesome. Perhaps awesome is not the right word. Organic? Natural? Right? But it is hard. I don't know if that is internalized trans phobia or what, but it is hard.
And it is true that I am getting close to lining up some kind of beard removal. I just.... hate... it. Tonight I shaved and then tried a facial peel for grins before putting makeup on. And my God, the chin and lower lip just look like a mine field. Might be some skin thing but I have to think zapping the hairs would help. Of course HRT is the real mountain to climb. Should I do it? Would Kristin leave me (or ask me to leave) if I did? Do I really want to grow breasts? Is it safe (I have some cardiac issues)? I don't know! It was interesting that in a session I while back I was grousing about crying and how I didn't have tears and Molly just kind of said real low that "hormones would fix that." I have thought about that a lot in retrospect. She is all about not influencing my decisions but I do wonder what she really thinks of me sometimes.
I dunno. I have always thought of myself as fairly radical for my age, and someone whose could fit into a non-gender-conforming role, but more and more it seems I am drawn to the female end of the binary. I would so love to look age-appropriately cute in a female way. Sadly, that is quite a river to bridge. Like the poet sez, who'd have thought tomorrow would be so strange?
Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
'Til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while .... E. Saliers
Well, I finally got up the nerve to get a consult about laser/electrolysis. Disappointingly enough, she recommended being on hormones, at least finasteride, for several months before starting. So I guess that increases the pressure to make some decisions about HRT, which increases the pressure to have some very difficult conversations with Kristin. Fun, fun. Is there a good link for an HRT for dummies sort of thing? It looks like a pretty complex topic, and I would like to read about it before seeing a doctor. My ability to procrastinate is unparalleled, but it may be running out. I am so all over the map with this. I had some free time this week for a few days. Broke the wig out and wandered around a hipster district near the university in Durham, did some shopping, attended a different support group meeting. And yet still feel very self-conscious, ugly, male. I am so prone to over-dressing. I was waiting at the electrologists office in my ankle boots while cis women came in wearing sweats and sneakers. A learning process I guess. Wearing the wig is very strange. It seems to attract so many more double-takes and stares than my old, fugly man-head. It really seems like it should be the other way around. Just...strange. I dunno. There is a voice inside that keeps saying "no, this can's work" but it seems more and more like telling the tide to stop coming in.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...
There may be some progress on the marital front. Perhaps. A couple of weeks ago Kristin had offered to let me wear something to bed. I said I'd think on that. (Turns out her thinking behind the offer was that she would be asleep and not have to see me very much.) This weekend we discussed it and I told her me in a nightgown might be too jarring for her, but that I would like to change for a support group meeting at home rather than in a bathroom there (which I hate, hate, hate doing). She agreed so I underdressed to a point where I was hardly dressed at all (just jeans and a woman's flannel shirt). And that went fine. I may be moving into a position where I can wear androgynous things openly around the house without stepping on any toes, which feels like a big step up from being called a sick freak. I am not at all confident she would be so accepting of more feminine garb, however. But we will see. Maybe the ice is cracking a bit, and maybe we can start talking about it some. Radical thought...
I am not sure where the road is heading on this. I am really close to starting beard removal. I am starting to hate the feel of stubble on my face with the heat of a thousand suns, but the electrolysis person I went to recommended that I be on hormones before starting. That seems unnecessary to me. I wouldn't think hormones would have much impact on the efficacy of electrolysis on the face, but what do I know? I do wonder if a little kindly gate keeping was going on -- looking at the grandfatherly old coot and thinking "Honey, do you really want to do this?" But, I have been thinking about hormones. I do need a physical, and as chance would have it, my old doctor is retiring. I have been thinking of switching to a practice that advertises transgender care as one of their services. Their intake form is pretty cool. Inclues gender identity checkboxes, preferred pronouns, sex assigned at birth. Seems like it could be a really good choice for me. So I am thinking of making an appointment there for a physical and discussing hormone pros and cons.
It is funny though. Seems the further I do the more aware I am of how far away it is and how I'll probably never get there in terms of passability and such. Pretty scary, but I feel like I can't turn back. I don't what label to apply to myself -- woman, transwoman, transfeminine, queer, non-gender-conforming, but whatever it is it ain't cis male.
Hi, I disagree with the electrolysis / laser person. When you go on HRT your pain threshold will degrease. Your facial hair will in time slow down but never stop. I have been on HRT full dose for 7 years (wow, 7 years) and post op 2.25 years. I am still getting electrolysis. I must have over 300 hours by now. I have 4 hours tomorrow with numbing needles and the machine turned up.
If you have black hair and fair skin electrolysis is a good start. Plan on 8 treatments 6 weeks apart. See how it is going and go from there. If you are gray then start with electrolysis.
-------------------
Finasteride has been associated with increased suicidal ideation and can cause reduced libido. Please make sure you check with a doctor that knows you would be using this possibly in conjunction with HRT.
If in the USA and doing low dose HRT your doctor is the best person to ask about finasteride in conjunction with spiro and estrogen.
In general low dose can reduce dysphoria to a more manageable level. It depends on a lot of things and everyone is different. I know for me HRT was not enough. I thought it would be enough but it was just one step.
Good luck on your journey and I hope this helped,
Rachel
I agree with
@Rachael she is spot on about the electrolysis. I have a problem with hypersensitivity on my face due to a number of childhood surgeries(we think( and after starting HRT this just worse.
If you do have dark facial hair you could try Laser. I have had excellent results and it removed about 60% of my facial hair and the majority of the rest was done with traditional zapping. I found the most challenging part was working out my pain management for it.
I like you approach with your wife...slow and steady trying to keep her feeling in mind. It can be frustratingly difficult to do but necessary if you want to keep your relationship intact.
I hope it works out well for you
Liz
Quote from: LizK on February 17, 2019, 09:00:20 PM
I agree with @Rachael she is spot on about the electrolysis. I have a problem with hypersensitivity on my face due to a number of childhood surgeries(we think( and after starting HRT this just worse.
If you do have dark facial hair you could try Laser. I have had excellent results and it removed about 60% of my facial hair and the majority of the rest was done with traditional zapping. I found the most challenging part was working out my pain management for it.
Liz
Thanks. I have salt and pepper in my beard. There is no way to avoid electrolysis but if laser can eliminate the pepper I would think it would speed things up. I do get the impression laser is best done in the winter when you're not out in the sun much.
Brief update.....
Actually went out dressed with Kristin today! Extremely underdressed but it still felt different to me. My therapist has had me work on a letter to Kristin that I have finished and need to share. Tough working around to that, and I'm not sure how she will react, but her attitude seems light years better than just a few months ago, though there is a huge difference between flannel shirts and jeans off the women's rack, and what I would like to do, at least some of the time. Maybe it's a baby step in the right direction. I have also made an appointment with a trans-friendly medical practice for a physical and a discussion of hormone pros and cons. That's still a couple of months away but some big decisions looming there. Trying a new hair stylist Friday. Hope to be able to explain my situation and get some help figuring out what might work for me down the road in terms of a haircut. Really weird. The realer things get the scarier they get it seems. Blissed-out cross dressing seems so far in the past. But if I could really integrate that into my daily life? Can that really happen? :o
Well, I had some discussion with Kristin tonight. She is improving to the point where she says the house is now a "safe space" for me. Which is an improvement. But it is clear she thinks no one else needs to know and I should just stay behind closed doors. It would humiliate her to be seen in a restaurant with me in drag, as she put it. Good to know that I make a super-ugly woman. Of course, it is an incredibly heavy lift for her, and on balance maybe it means some steps down the path, but there are light years to go. I am not keen on being on house arrest, and I don't know that she has even considered me starting hormones or anything like that. But the discussion needs to move to that level soon. May 1 will be here before you know it, or at least I know it. And I am not even sure where my head is at. Transwoman, genderfluid, non-binary? I don't know! Cis is not a term that comes to mind though. Maybe I would feel more confident of embracing the female binary if I looked better. I do feel so, so envious of natal women, especially, of course, the pretty ones. But, alas, that ain't me, and there aren't enough hormones and makeup in the world to make it so. I do think I would be ok with being a butchy old grandma, but I don't know how others would take it.
Update time. I suppose the hamster spinning the trans wheel in my head needs a break. I have my first joint session with Kristin Thursday with my therapist. I am very nervous about that. Talking about the elephant worries me I guess. Kristin claims to be down with me dressing at home, though I haven't pushed that. I guess I don't fully believe or trust her, something that should become clearer with time. But I don't know that she would be down at all with HRT, which is something I may be deciding in the not-too-distant future. She clearly wants the marriage to survive, but I don't know how much change she can absorb to that end.
It is kind of funny with me right now. Gender seemed like a five-alarm fire so much of last year. It seems much less so right now. I feel like the wind has died down on a sailboat and I'm kind of becalmed. Don't know if that is normal or not, but this has not been a straight road for me by any means. But, as always, it's ... there. I'm slated to have the house to myself next week and I realize I'm really, really looking forward to it, and the freedom that goes with it. It does make me realize that left to own devices, without the marriage to consider, there wouldn't be a lot of indecision, at least in terms of going further down the road.
I realize when pondering HRT that I am very apprehensive about developing breasts. Seems so.... permanent. I don't seem to have much body dysphoria. My fantasy body is probably fairly androgynous -- just really skinny and smooth and hairless with a feminine face and hair. Not so much curvy or voluptuous, though there certainly are times I am really envious of the curves. Maybe I am just frightened about actual physical changes and things becoming real. Kind of feels like crossing a Rubicon. Ironically though, at my age, it is quite possible that hormones wouldn't do much at all to me physically. And it's not that I am opposed to breasts. I told my therapist I was breast-agnostic. She thought that was funny, but I do wonder if that's a bit atypical.
I seem to be becoming ever more demanding of my appearance the more things seem real/normal -- I really am unhappy with my beard shadow and hair. I am getting a lot fussier about the way clothes fit and a lot more self-critical about makeup and bad/inappropriate clothing choices. And flipping through my journal. Whoa. Let's just say somebody's banging on the door pretty hard wanting out. I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore.
What a coincidence. My doctor of 30 years is retiring so I'm also likely to switch to a female doctor who does LGBTQ.
Good luck with the time alone. It may help you decide what you want.
"I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore."
God do I relate to that sentiment. For a 40 year old, purely pretransition, gurl just dressing around the house and at the therapists office your tale is regaling, terrifying, heartbreaking, and inspirational. My spouse hasn't turned on me yet (we haven't actually discussed HRT or any real changes, just coming out) and I hope he doesn't in the future but if you can overcome the kind of intractable resistance that you have been facing (even in incremental steps) then surely I can find the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other on this yellow brick road.
It's very painful to hear the things she has said to you. I have felt myself crippled by the fear that I will hear the same kind of things from my husband. That said it is very encouraging to hear her changing, even if it is slow. It must be very painful to work through that, and I find your incremental approach very instructional. It sounds like even with the damage and pain you love her very much and are being very attentive to her needs. I hope she continues coming around more and eventually sees your love and patience rather than the mask of betrayal hurt and hurt that it sounds like she has been seeing in the past, and remembers that she is here for your needs as well.
As someone with no experience, only confusion and fear I of course can't offer you any tangible advice like the other ladiez on here can but I can say that I'm rooting for you, and even though only you can do you and know what is right for you I really hope that you find the peace that we all seem to be seeking here. And while our faces may scream "MAN" at this stage of our development I've seen lots of faces come a long way over time so don't count yourself out. Beauty is not really in the eye of the beholder or the face of the beholden, it's actually in the heart of both. You look beautiful to me already, and you can only become more so as you become more of yourself!! So stay strong, take of yourself, and be true to your heart. <3<3<3
@Marion
Good luck switching doctors. I find this practice quite interesting. Having to decide on pronouns? Modern times.... I'm sure I will enjoy my time to myself. I always imagine doing a lot more than I end up doing, but I always seem to end up going out en femme to some extent, and it is always illuminating. Realizing that the sky doesn't fall, and it's a matter of what feels right to me is a pretty liberating feeling. But it can be daunting.
@Rae
Thanks so much. You are kind and sweet. I hope things work out for you in your relationship It sounds like your spouse really cares for you. That is a good start. We'll see how the incremental approach works out for me. My therapist has advised that I might have to rip the band-aid off eventually. I am loath to do that because I am not sure what the outcome would be. Not overly brave to keep kicking the can down the road, but it feels like the right thing for now. I don't know if I'm reshaping my world little by little, or simply delaying a difficult choice. One day at a time.
Quote from: randim on March 26, 2019, 04:54:10 PM
I seem to be becoming ever more demanding of my appearance the more things seem real/normal -- I really am unhappy with my beard shadow and hair. I am getting a lot fussier about the way clothes fit and a lot more self-critical about makeup and bad/inappropriate clothing choices. And flipping through my journal. Whoa. Let's just say somebody's banging on the door pretty hard wanting out. I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore.
There were several times when I reached a point where I was comfortable, but that usually only lasted for a few months. It can be a slippery slope, the further we go the more we want. When I started this journey I wasn't 100% sure where I would end up, but I am now in a much happier place than where I started. Only you know what will make you happy. I wish you the best of luck.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
The best of times, the worst of times....
It has been an eventful day. I had an appointment with a doctor for a physical and to discuss HRT. It's a very LGBT-friendly practice, and it's hard to imagine it going better. Wonderful, warm people. Used my feminine name, which they asked for on the intake form. Seemed like a very good, supportive doctor. Gave me an informed consent form and scheduled me for a 30-day follow-on. Strongly leaning towards starting it. I felt like crying leaving the office, that this brave new world could have such people in it, and the thought that the world could be different.
Then I get home, ad find my wife has stumbled across my journal. Said she was looking for envelopes in my study. Let's just say there is stuff in there not intended for anyone else's consumption. It freaked her out how dysphoric I am. She also read some venting I had done about some things that hurt her deeply. And I hate, hate, hate that. It was intended to be a strictly private internal conservation put to paper. I really feel extremely unlucky. Though it did move the conservation forward about being trans. She deeply regrets that I suffer, she is willing to let me experiment more, she understands a bit better that it is more than cross-dressing. But still... she sees no need for me to pierce my ears, she thinks a wig should suffice, she couldn't see herself going out in public with me, she thinks I would be extremely ugly as a woman. Sadly, hard to argue with that. I don't know. I just wish that hadn't happened.
Brief update: I have now slept with Kristin in a nightgown, and she was ok with it. I don't know why that should be significant, but it seems that way. Maybe because it is not at all an androgynous look. It does feel like progress.
ouch, about the journal. I started writing one, sadly a bit behind now already. Most of what I write my wife knows and has heard. Still, it's written for me and no one else. I leave it lying around, she doesn't read it. How do I know? I trust her.
any progress is significant. The more you are seen, even in little bits, the more accustomed. My most accepting sibling is the one that has seen me the most. He struggled until we spent more time together.
Sisters, brothers, and bisters/srothers in-between, not much to update, but really feeling the need to dump some stuff out of my head, especially since journaling feels like a bad idea right now. I hope it doesn't always feel that way. The dust-up from her reading my journal has died down a bit, but it will leave some scars, I'm afraid. Our anniversary looms on the 21st. Could be some awkwardness there. We'll see. But Kristin is making an effort to be supportive, though it's clear she harbors deep anti-trans prejudices. She has offered to share some of her clothes, and I really need to figure out the best way to take her up on that. I think that could be a bonding experience. Unfortunately, her tastes are somewhat different and our body sizes/types are quite different. I did dabble a bit in under-dressing at home last weekend, wearing shorts and tees and a nightgown to bed one night. I keep hoping I will hit a sweet, androgynous spot that satisfies me and doesn't freak Kristin out. Unfortunately, dipping my toes in the water just seems to make me want to jump in the pool. For instance, the shorts I was wearing were actually pretty generous in terms of pocket space, but still, keys, a wallet and a cell phone had them stuffed to overflowing. I kept thinking how nice a purse would be. Which is funny, considering how mightily I struggled with carrying a purse in public when I first started doing it. But I was finding myself missing the weight of it and the feel of it hitting my hip. Maybe at this stage a murse might be a decent compromise, and that would solve some problems with jeans and shorts.
My blood work came back ok from the doctor. No medical issues. Total testosterone and hormone binding globulin in normal limits. The informed consent form waits to filled out. Could be starting HRT at the end of the month. *gulp* That feels really significant somehow. Even when I started cross-dressing again and going into therapy, I never really thought I would transition. I kept telling myself I would find some middle ground, that I would end up some non-gender-conforming person. And I still may. But, but, I feel ever drawn towards the female end of the binary. Sometimes I have these fantasies of having a small apartment with flowers and plants arranged just the way I want it, a lingerie drawer with a sachet, a nice jewelry box, closets populated solely with female clothes and shoes. Just a little old lady living the senior years of her life. Feels nice. Of course, the downside to the reality of that would probably be being alone in that apartment the vast majority of the time. Could I actually live such a life in the house I live in now, with the spouse I live with now, with the social circle I have now? I just don't know. That would be a heavy lift for Kristin. Though to be fair, a heavy lift for me as well. Moving from fantasy to reality is such a massive leap. But I seem to be on some sort of subconscious autopilot that just.... keeps.... going down the road. Last session my therapist said "you're in it now." I just hope I'm not stepping in it now.
ahh the ol "compromise" thing. I do that ALL THE TIME. "maybe I don't have to fully transition, maybe I can just be non binary! Maybe I can just cross dress and it'll be good enough" but ultimately, deep down, you know it's not actually true, it's just damage mitigation.
Or an attempt at it.
I'm so sad to hear your wife is being so well, unsupportive. It's heartbreaking really.
You can do this okay?
I mean i'm guilty of talking myself out of it constantly as well. That fear of imploding the life you've built is huge and intimidating but ultimately we do have to be our true selves right? Living a shadow life does nobody any favours, either yourself or the people you interact with.
I'm sort of the polar opposite of you in the sense that i'm naturally inclined toward the masculine side of the spectrum but still unsure if I want to jump fully into that pool. There are a few things i'd miss about being female, like being able to smile at and talk to children without being glared at. (isn't that a depressing glimpse into the modern world?)
and yeah, i'm missing a bag. I mean I hated wearing a handbag because it hurt my shoulder and was stupidly designed with no compartments so I lost everything but maaaan, pockets aren't deep enough and today while cycling my phone fell out my pocket and smashed on the pavement and i'm like "DAMNIT Men's pants why!???"
I carry too much stuff with me. I mean a wallet, phone and keys takes up a lot of space. How the heck do guys manage that? If I also need my painkillers as well as the tissues and small distract my children toys I like to keep on me where do I put em?
I miss having a bag. I gotta find a masculine bag to carry.
But yeah, the constant yoyo "I really want/need this omg now now now" one day and then the next "do I? Oh no, crushing DOUBT!"
It sucks.
I hope things improve for you on the marital front, or at least you get some closure regardless. Good luck and congratulations on potentially starting hrt! Maybe just... you know.. give it a try, see how it makes you feel.
I keep looking for that compromise line. Every time I think that I'm getting close it moves just a little bit further out of reach
I wish you every possible luck in finding your line
@Faith
Thanks Faith. I appreciate it. BTW, your latest pictures look amazing. Just sayin'
@F_P_M
Thanks so much. That was a wonderful post. Words that were indeed true, necessary and kind. As an aside, if you're looking for a male bag this site specializes in them: http://www.modernmanbags.com. Might be something there that works for you.
Quote from: randim on May 07, 2019, 01:46:25 PM
@Faith
Thanks Faith. I appreciate it. BTW, your latest pictures look amazing. Just sayin'
Thank you Randi. I am still very much insecure about my looks. I just don't see what other people say that they see. Which is why I don't have a profile photo, I simply cannot look at myself that much.
I'd like to clarify my line comment.
I've set lines of compromise with my wife. Self-imposed to keep things calm. Each time I get close to that line it moves away. Forcing me to go a little further, forcing my wife to adjust that little bit more. I have not hit my line, my wife keeps stepping over hers to stay with me. I try, I really do. I fear I won't meet my line until what I need hits the monetary wall of 'can't do' .. and hopefully before she can't follow any further.
So, again, I sincerely wish you luck in finding your line.
Quote from: Faith on May 07, 2019, 02:28:51 PM
Thank you Randi. I am still very much insecure about my looks. I just don't see what other people say that they see. Which is why I don't have a profile photo, I simply cannot look at myself that much.
I'd like to clarify my line comment.
I've set lines of compromise with my wife. Self-imposed to keep things calm. Each time I get close to that line it moves away. Forcing me to go a little further, forcing my wife to adjust that little bit more. I have not hit my line, my wife keeps stepping over hers to stay with me. I try, I really do. I fear I won't meet my line until what I need hits the monetary wall of 'can't do' .. and hopefully before she can't follow any further.
So, again, I sincerely wish you luck in finding your line.
Thanks Faith. I think I understand what you mean. And I would guess that is not uncommon, to want more freedom to experiment more as time goes by. I'm not super-familiar with your story, but from what I've read Lori is quite amazing. You are blessed, as the religious folks say.
It's funny with me. I am willing to compromise. I'm generally still comfortable enough presenting in male mode. I'd probably be ok with keeping up appearances if I could let my hair down (assuming I had hair long enough to put up) on my own time. The problem is I know in my bones the things I want to do to let my hair down will alter my appearance eventually and blow a hole in male mode. I want to try HRT (which at my age probably won't have much physical impact but it's not going to make me more masculine, that's for sure). I'd like to pierce my ears, do something with my brows, zap my beard, body-shave, do something with my hair (though maybe a wig would be a viable option). Do all that and I think I'd look pretty different, even trying to present as male. I suppose I should be grateful that nail polish doesn't call to me much. :D That is all way beyond what Kristin is willing to compromise on for now, that's for sure, though I suppose that could evolve over time. And I understand the money remark as well. I don't see surgeries in my future but therapy and electrolysis will be formidable expenses if I keep going this way. Nothing about this is simple or easy, that's for sure. Best of luck to you moving forward. Great avatar pix by the way.
I wanted to compromise, my head wouldn't let me. So many stages. At one point I was going to be just 'her Faith', no one else knowing. Me, Faith - secret to the world, out to her. This was not a simple 'hide the shame' compromise. She really wanted me to be just hers, yet I couldn't stop.
Blessed? I'll say I am. I have been so fortunate throughout my life and now to have the support that I have? It's incredible. For most of the past year and a half I've had crushing fear. Fear that I'd lose everything. None of that happened. That fear is slowly fading.
I love my wife to the very depths of my soul .. yet I couldn't hide myself for her.
my avatar. Thank You, it's your fault you know :D I don't know how long I can look at it. I'll try to make it a week, see what happens
Not a lot to update, but just feel like babbling a bit...
Have an appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow to discuss blood-thinners as a prelude to HRT. Probably a wise move given my medical history. Having to come out to him is a bit awkward, but it is what it is. When I initially emailed him, I asked he he had any cardiac concerns about HRT. His response: "No cardiac concerns." Subtext: "Something is amiss here." Should go fine though. I guess my aspirin regime is soon to be a thing of the past.
Had an interesting experience at a support group meeting last night. There was a new/old attendee coming back to the group, and she is a powerful personality. She is an activist and talked a lot about politics and such. As the meeting broke up she talked to me a good deal giving me much advice about my situation. Afterwards I was helping the facilitator clean up and she offered "You know, in your conversation, she was very much the man and you were very much the woman." I don't know why, but that is one of the nicest things I've heard in a long time. Pretty much made my day.
Kristin is down at the coast so I've had some free time. Went to the farmers market and grocery store underdressed. Felt great. Today I did wig, makeup, purse, etc., and hit a mall. Not at all passable but looking like someone trying to effect a casual female look. Got my share of big grins, stares, etc.. but it....felt....great. Felt so good to just pick some clothes out and take them back to the changing rooms and try them on. It just feels so incredibly right to rock a purse.
It does make me realize that if it weren't for marital issues, I wouldn't be stopping, I wouldn't be passing go. I'd be down the rabbit hole so far, so fast. I had this fantasy today of just bagging my male clothes up and tossing them in the trash. Didn't do it, but I have to say it had a lot of appeal. I am so ready to be a >-bleeped-< granny. Pity others do not share my enthusiasm.
Hi Randi,
That didn't take long. You were once worried carrying a purse and now you are totally comfortable with that!
I think this comes with finally being able to express yourself!
Marion
Hello Randi,
I just found your thread. I am so glad to follow your progress! I am looking forward to seeing what the future has in store for you. I can sure relate to your very first post about how your male ego was at that time resisting like a stubborn mule. I liked the comparison! Marsha