Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm planning to start HRT.  I'm going on monday to see an endocrinologist.  It's someone that i've been told has experience with MTF trans patients. 

It took me 5 weeks just to get the referral (required by my insurance Co) from my primary care physician.  After several weeks of back and forth on the phone i found out that because my Dr was in a Catholic health care group they were dragging their feet helping me with the referral.  I was furious... but it looks like I managed that hurdle.

I was lucky to get an appointment this month.  The specialist i'm seeing wasn't going to see any new patients until next year.  But I think the scheduling nurse felt sorry for me.  I started crying on the phone.


Going to my first appointment I'm wondering what questions i should be asking and what I should expect out of the appointment.  How does this typically go, seeing an endorinologist for HRT?  For those who are on HRT are there things you wish you'd asked or known when you started? 

I'm also a bit freaked out by this.  I'm wrestling a bit with it. I started doing face and torso body hair removal in August which i'm happy with.... no regrets.   HRT is the first thing I'll do towards transitioning that will have real ramifications that other people are eventually going to notice.   I'm afraid of getting to the appointment and not being able to think clearly due to my anxiety. 

Any advice or suggestions from you girls would be appreciated. 

Hi Becca

  I'm Laurie. I am sure others will chime in soon but here is what I would want to know

   What hormones and/or drugs will they be prescribing and the plan for adjusting dosages.
   Delivery methods
   Monitoring  and intervals
   Starting dosages and planned increases and amounts
   Cautions and interactions with other medications
   Reasonable expectations of effects

Ironically first went to my endo for a unrelated health issue.

At the time I still had not gotten my letter so I didn't go in expecting to discuss HRT.. well I was wrong... He mostly led the conversation and Asked me a number of questions I think to gauge how well informed I was like, if I was aware what the long term effects are of HRT are, any existing conditions, my partners mindset and if I had a supportive environment, if we had investigated freezing of sperm, then he just did a general health check weight, hight ect

It was quite a pleasant experience, he went over a lot of things I had already researched so very little of it was new information but we did discussed my goals and expectations as well as how we would begin treatment and initial doses, I chose to start on a very low dose because of what we discussed.

It will depend greatly on you endo, mine had obviously done it many times before and covered off basically everything I could possibly think of and that in it self gave me a lot of confidence.

It was just a shame I didn't have my letter at the time but hey it made my next appointment really short [emoji6]


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My experience may be different than yours but it went pretty smoothly. On my first visit the nurse kind of smirked alot and she no longer works there, no worry's she was a temp. The appointment went pretty good. I have a lot of health problems (heart) so we discussed what could happen with clots. Luckily I am already on blood thinners. We talked about my past and what I was hoping for in the future. We started on a low dose and have since increased it about the 3 month timeframe. I have been on spiro for 25 years because of the heart problems so we upped the dose of spiro.  and now I also take finasteride, just starting that recently. All my blood tests have come out with good news. I now have been on HRT for almost 14 months.  Most of my information came from Susan's Links and Wiki, Also I cannot stress enough what a difference a support group makes. Even more a convention like Gender Odyssey here in Seattle where there were 1700 people like me.   There is a lot of good information on this facebook page  https://www.facebook.com/pg/genderodyssey/videos/?ref=page_internal

Quote from: Tammy Jade on October 05, 2017, 07:24:31 PM
Ironically first went to my endo for a unrelated health issue.

At the time I still had not gotten my letter so I didn't go in expecting to discuss HRT.. well I was wrong... He mostly led the conversation and Asked me a number of questions I think to gauge how well informed I was like, if I was aware what the long term effects are of HRT are, any existing conditions, my partners mindset and if I had a supportive environment, if we had investigated freezing of sperm, then he just did a general health check weight, hight ect

It was quite a pleasant experience, he went over a lot of things I had already researched so very little of it was new information but we did discussed my goals and expectations as well as how we would begin treatment and initial doses, I chose to start on a very low dose because of what we discussed.

It will depend greatly on you endo, mine had obviously done it many times before and covered off basically everything I could possibly think of and that in it self gave me a lot of confidence.

It was just a shame I didn't have my letter at the time but hey it made my next appointment really short [emoji6]


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i have my letter from my therapist!  the only thing i'm not certain about is whether my insurance plan is going to cooperate.  My plan states that they cover transition surgery and mental health care related to gender dysphoria.   I tried calling to get more info regarding HRT, but over the phone my insurer told me I would need a "code" to determine whether the proceedure/service being billed for would be covered.  So I won't know for certain until the billing is submitted. 

At my first appointment she asked what my goals were, briefly commented that starting HRT was 100% my decision and her role was making sure that I was getting what I want in a healthy manner, then asked me to tell her how I came to the point of sitting in her office asking for hormones. It was really that simple.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 05, 2017, 08:05:13 PM
i have my letter from my therapist!  the only thing i'm not certain about is whether my insurance plan is going to cooperate.  My plan states that they cover transition surgery and mental health care related to gender dysphoria.   I tried calling to get more info regarding HRT, but over the phone my insurer told me I would need a "code" to determine whether the proceedure/service being billed for would be covered.  So I won't know for certain until the billing is submitted.

Not knowing where u live I can't comment.

Where I live (Adelaide, Australia) Medicare picks up most of it..

For me I pay $340 up front and get about $260 back so after the refund I'm only out of pocket about $80 and I can live with that.

But good luck with your insurance hopefully they cover it for you!


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It's normal to feel anxious going in the first time.  I know I was and that feeling of having to wait.. it's really sad. Anyhow, my first appointment about 3 weeks ago was the same as everyone described.  I go to an informed consent clinic Callen Lorde here in NYC.  I just started hormones and I'm still wondering the same thing, "what questions should I ask?". Well I wrote some down!

I know the moment I was prescribed the hormones I felt like I had to ask questions because here I am essentially taking pills from a stranger (okay a doctor, but still). It was a very fast appointment too but I did feel optimistic at the end and I still do!

I'll never forget when I took the first dose I just thought to myself that this is a cruel life I've been given. I know it's not that big of a deal and I'll get over it, but it's a huge decision to make. Lately, I've been reflecting on my life so far; good and bad. I never thought I would be at this point in my life but I also finally see freedom from being trapped all my life.

I remember being scared and skittish.  My doctor has a lot if experience with trans people, so she knew how to guide the conversations to get the answers she needed to diagnose, but also showed tons of empathy.  Honestly if you feel weird at all with your doctor, see another.  As far questions to ask, the ones previous in this thread cover it.

Also my doctor asked about my support structure and isolation, so we went into lengthy discussion on how to improve that do I will have a better experience transitioning and make her job easier.

Bari Jo

Thank you all for sharing. 

My appointment is tomorrow.  Wish me luck.  I'm sooo nervous. 

Just be honest, about everything. I told my endo my entire story and my thought process behind all of it. He was a good a listener and warned of the things that could happen to me (like getting too emotional/depressed). I think the best question you can ask is what to expect from the specific dose that they'll prescribe.

the appointment went well.  my new endocrinologist is great!  that was maybe the kindest i've ever been treated during a doctor's appointment.  He has a lot of experience with trans patients.  He sent me today for blood work before he prescribes my meds.  I also spoke with a social worker in his office immediately after, and she gave me a referal for a trans friendly primary care doctor.  Mine is out of his depth with this.

This isn't so much a question to ask, but a consideration to keep in mind. Your doctor might ask you what delivery you want when your blood work comes back. Keep what you know about your body in mind, and advocate for the method that works best for you.

I have extremely sensitive skin, but I let myself be talked into patches. This was bad, I had rashes and eczema after a few weeks. I eventually landed on pills, and they work for me. Others can't handle them due to liver strain. A lot of doctors get set in their ways and opinions, and you should listen to them, but if what they want you to do won't work for you,  let them know. It's scary, because they hold your HRT in their pads, but good doctors will listen.

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two days ago my employer offered me a severance package.  They didn't fire me.  My VP is basically putting me on notice that he doesn't want me there anymore.  The company is going through a restructuring and in addition to eliminating hundreds of positions department heads and VPs are trying to get rid of people they can't fire for performance reasons.  I've been with this company almost 30 years.  I've never worked anywhere else.

this is a one company town.  i'm going to have to move. 

I'm afraid now to start HRT.  I don't know how I can do a job search if I'm starting to transition.   :icon_cry2:

If you haven't already done so, check the company LGBT policy and see if it's LGBT friendly and if so what the appeal process is.

On the other hand, the severance package depending on what it is could be to your benefit. In my case,  before I transitioned the company had a massive layoff of which I was an unfortunate member. There wasn't a severance package however I had sufficient savings to keep me afloat for a while. I had my nose and neck worked on and as soon as the cast came off and the stitches came out, I moved into the feminine role and started my job search. Yes it was a bit difficult interviewing when I was still pretty new to the role but it worked and I got my first job as Dena.

Like you, my other option would have been to find another job and put in a year or two before I could transition. The time period was far to long and I felt sooner was better than latter.

i picked up my first HRT prescription today.  Spironolact twice a day and Estradiol once a day.  I'm lucky...with my health insurance a month's supply only cost me $8.

i have a follow up in 30 days for more bloodwork. 


finally getting the prescription freaked me out a bit.  i spent the whole day having second thoughts and worrying that i could be making a mistake.  I felt this way when I started electrolysis and lazer, but it went away after my first appointment. And i felt this way making the endocrinology appointment.  But once I met my doctor and talked to him i was happy about it.  I'm taking these steps and each one make me second guess myself a little. 

I picked it up tonight, but i have to leave for a business trip at 5am and I'm a little worried about starting it now, thinking it should wait till i get back on Friday. 


 

close to a week now on HRT.  is it possible to notice changes already?  I swear that the last couple of days my skin is much less oily.  I've always had blotchy skin on my face and it's suddenly much clearer.

I've been going through some horrible personal issues the last couple of weeks and the last couple of days i've been incredibly weepy.  I'm not usually like this.  weird

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 24, 2017, 07:23:55 PM
close to a week now on HRT.  is it possible to notice changes already?  I swear that the last couple of days my skin is much less oily.  I've always had blotchy skin on my face and it's suddenly much clearer.

I've been going through some horrible personal issues the last couple of weeks and the last couple of days i've been incredibly weepy.  I'm not usually like this.  weird

It's probably too soon to notice less oily skin, but YMMV.  I wouldn't be surprised if your nipples start hurting this early though.

Did your doctor give you a list of time and possible effects?  Mine did, and it's been fairly accurate with me.  I've been weepy at times too, not sure when it started with me,,but it's not me hardest when my e is low.

Hah, I think we have the same insurance.  I freaking love that it's so inexpensive!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 24, 2017, 07:41:58 PM
It's probably too soon to notice less oily skin, but YMMV.  I wouldn't be surprised if your nipples start hurting this early though.

Did your doctor give you a list of time and possible effects?  Mine did, and it's been fairly accurate with me.  I've been weepy at times too, not sure when it started with me,,but it's not me hardest when my e is low.

Hah, I think we have the same insurance.  I freaking love that it's so inexpensive!

Bari Jo

my Endo didn't give me that much detail.  But he did go through some side effects, etc.  TBH I was so nervous at my appoitment I started crying and can't remember what he said.  Although, he was very kind to me. 

I'm so lucky with my insurance.  but in 90 days i lose my job and insurance goes away.  I want to just be happy about this for now and as long as I can. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 24, 2017, 08:03:03 PM
my Endo didn't give me that much detail.  But he did go through some side effects, etc.  TBH I was so nervous at my appoitment I started crying and can't remember what he said.  Although, he was very kind to me. 

I'm so lucky with my insurance.  but in 90 days i lose my job and insurance goes away.  I want to just be happy about this for now and as long as I can.

I cried at my first meeting too.  No harm, no foul.  Here's a link to the sheet I was given.  I took a picture of it for another in another thread.  Maybe this is useful, maybe just noise.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/4yz6rupipnh25lq/IMAG2722.jpg?dl=0

Time to get another job quick!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 24, 2017, 08:10:26 PM
I cried at my first meeting too.  No harm, no foul.  Here's a link to the sheet I was given.  I took a picture of it for another in another thread.  Maybe this is useful, maybe just noise.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/4yz6rupipnh25lq/IMAG2722.jpg?dl=0

Time to get another job quick!

Bari Jo

"male sexual dysfunction - variable "

LOL

i don't know why but i found that funny

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 25, 2017, 09:27:03 PM
i don't know why but i found that funny

When my therapist was doing my letter she listed the side effects as due course, and I smirked at that one too.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 24, 2017, 07:41:58 PM
It's probably too soon to notice less oily skin, but YMMV.

Within a day of adding/increasing E orally or taking T (post-op), I see a difference in oiliness/dryness. The effect is quick!

Quote from: KayXo on October 26, 2017, 09:17:40 AM
Within a day of adding/increasing E orally or taking T (post-op), I see a difference in oiliness/dryness. The effect is quick!

Seriously, skin being less oily was the absolute first thing I noticed when starting hrt, approximately two days.  I can also tell a difference the next day if I miss a day of Spiro (happens sometimes due to refill errors).

Amber

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Hi Becca;
Getting laid off can be a really useful impetus to transition. Thats what happened to me. Luckily I was tipped off by a colleague that my firm was thinking about it. At the time I was working in IT for one of the UK car companies and  they were having a downsizing. So a month before I was going to be told, I applied for the company car discount policy (this allowed you to buy a new car for 40% discount to retail prices straight from the factory.). I did this then put it up for sale. This gave me some additional cash. I also used the process and advanced timing to set many things in motion. I "came out" to two close female friends. One was my secretary. The other was my next door neighbour. I also told  the other neighbours (a couple) The wife worked in a bank and she  was able to help me set up my new bank accounts. I also told the couple that I had a poly relationship with. I also set in motion my name change and as soon as I was made redundant started to apply for some temporary jobs as a woman in my profession. This turned out to be much harder than I thought. After being knocked back quite a lot because I stated upfront that I was TG, my therapist advised me then that I should be looking at more "female" type jobs . This was also the view then of the GIC at Charing Cross where all Transgender women were expected to be living full time as women as part of their RLE, focused on a relationship with a man and  be undertaking typically female jobs  like  shop assistant, clerical or secretarial or social work, or nursing rather than "Male oriented" type jobs.  Thus after a lot of advice, references from a few friendly women, I applied for a number of temporary "female type" in clerical and secretarial office jobs without disclosing that I was TG. Of course in the 80's it  was not good to be publicly "out"  as TG in the UK. I also did a shorthand course, brushed up on my office skills and initially took on a receptionist/telephonist job where I could present as 100% female. Obviously money was very tight at first, but I was able to socialise with other women all the time. Over time I was able to apply for better jobs ending up as a Legal secretary with a bank. My boss was a woman.
Judith

Wow, judithlynn.  Thank you for sharing!

I think i'm coming to a realization that losing my job, marriage, house, etc. can be an opportunity for me.  So I gave work a verbal committment that I'd leave within 4 months.   My job has been a constant cause of anxiety.  I've been worrying for a long time about having to transition there.  My current employer touts a progressive LGBTQ policy.  Their health insurance plan even pays for HRT and bottom surgery.  But I still worried for a long time that my boss would not treat me fairly if I transitioned.  Now that they're pushing me out it's irrelevent.  I'm getting a severance package.  It's enough for me to take a year off work (which I won't do).  Or it would allow me to move and start a new life somewhere else.  there are a couple of cities i've always wanted to live, places I visit often and have a lot of friends. 

I'm starting a job search.  I've hired a consultant to write my resume for me and revise my Linkdin profile.  I'm also going to use an exec search firm to help my job search.

I've decided that it's best not to come out to more than my close friends right now. I'm going to do a job search as the male that everyone already knows. I want to get a job with a progressive company that will allow me to continue to transition.  Once i do and I feel safe I'll continue down my path. 

Hi Becca,

  I think that you are doing a really positive thing for yourself with this "opportunity". Bravo ! I believe you will be better off for it by taking this approach and attitude. Keep that  going and you will do well for yourself girl.

Hugs,
    Laurie

is it possible that after only 3 weeks i'd have a mental/psychological effect from HRT? Over the last 4 or 5 days my dysphoria has reduced noticeably.  It's really strange.  I've not felt like this in a long long time. 

I'm certain that it's also improving my skin.  I've always had oily skin and that's pretty much gone.  And my complexion (face) has cleared up noticeably. And I haven'thad an erection in days (thank god! it's such a relief)! :) I'm also two weeks past a lazer treatment and my face is smoother and has less hair than I've had since before puberty. 

My dysphoria isn't gone or anything like that.  It's just lessened.  Is this what it is supposed to feel like?

Three weeks matches my experience, that's when I knew changes were coming. Starting with the skin, soon followed by signs of activity in the breastal zone.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Got my first prescription refill this week.  One month in. 

My body oder has changed.  I don't smell at all like I used to.  it's amazing.  I always had guy B.O. and I hated it.  I would use women's doderant but after a few hours every day i'd still smell like guy sweat.  Now it's basically gone. 

If i never fully transition and I had to just have these few things I think I could accept it. 

 Yep, Becca, That certainly does happen. Isn't it nice to know that change is underway? Smile girl, there is more fun to come.

Hugs,
   Laurie

woke up today with sore nipples. 


I didn't expect to start feeling that so soon.  I'm at once happy and scared. 

i go for blood work tomorrow so my Endo can check hormone levels.  I'm on a low dose of Estradiol.   I was originally thinking that would mean it could be a while before I experienced any noticeable changes.

how do I change the title of the tread to "Becca's HRT Journey"?

Make it official by going to the first post in the thread and hit the report to moderator button to the right. You will be prompted for the reason where you can explain what you want. We can retitle every post in the thread or just the first.

whooo hoooo!   ;D  My thread title is changed!!! 

I have cried more in the last 3 weeks than in the prior 3 years.  i didn't used to cry.  I would get angry.  I would get frustrated.  But I rarely cried.  I would stew in my anger and frustration.  Perhaps coming out to a few people and starting down my transition has unburdened my mind.  But it seems like a huge coincidence that the changes in my mental state are so closely synced with HRT. 

i like it.  I told my best friend today that the past few weeks i've felt more like myself (mentally) than I have in many many years.  I tried to articulate this feeling to my therapist as well.  I had recently discussed going back on zoloft.  Now i'm not so sure.

Hi Becca

  I read your last post and just want to say the estradiol could be what you need to keep your spirits up. If it was me I would give the HRT a go before going back to the Zoloft. See what happens. Zoloft is what I started taking about a month ago and we're still in trail mode going up to double what I am taking at the moment in 2 weeks. I'm still waiting for the magic to happen. lol

  As for the thread title, we do try to help where we can. It is a much better title now.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I've been on Zoloft before.  I was on it for several years.  Then last year I weened myself off of it.  It did help with my anxiety, especially my eating disorder.   But it didn't make me 'happy' and it didn't significantly help with my dysphoria.  It kind of took the edge off, though. 

my therapist has been nudging me to get back on zoloft. she's worried that I'll stop eating or self harm.   But the past two weeks i've felt so mucy more myself in my head that she's stopped insisting on it.

Well that does sound good indeed Becca. I hope the good feelings continue for you.

Laurie

I'm approx 6 weeks into HRT now.  Some observations.

my breasts hurt.  it started about a week ago.  my nipples are sore to the touch and it's tender in the area around them.  Enough so that it surprises me every time i bump them, like when folding my arms.   I'm curious how long most girls experience tenderness like this?  Is it just a few months?  Longer? 

A few weeks ago I realized that my mind seemed to have cleared noticeably.  Now I can say for sure that it wasn't just a brief mood shift.  It's amazing.  I think the two biggest differences are that i'm not quick to get angry like i used to.  But more importantly that my sex drive has dopped considerably.  I used to think about sex over and over all day long every day.  Combined with sponaneous erections it left me feeling out of sorts.  I hated it. It was frustrating.  It was a constant reminder that it wasn the body (or sometimes the mind) that I wanted.  I didn't realize how much until it lifted.  I've had similar experiences on anti depresents.  But it felt different.  It was less a change in my mind and more like impotence combined with less frequent thoughts of sex.

Spiro definately makes for more trips to the lavatory each day.  This is something I really do not like.  It makes me think more and more about getting an orchiectomy.  I would very much like to stop taking this drug as soon as possible. 


I had bloodwork a week ago.  I expect to hear back from my Endo next week to find out if he'll adjust my prescriptions. 


So far so good!  Thank you girls, for advice and encouragement!! 

Hi Becca,

  I see you are starting to feel the good stuff happenings. There's more to come girl so sit yourself back and enjoy. I'm glad to see you feeling better.

Hugs
   Laurie

All my straight friends that I've come out to have been very respectful and supportive of me.  It's been something of a revelation, since I have dreaded coming for a very long time.  While I've only come out to my most trusted friends and it's not surprising that they're all so supportive, in my mind i didn't think it wold be as good as it has been (so far).

What i'm surprised at is how ignorant some of my gay friends have been.  Last night one of my oldest friends said to me several times that me being trans "makes no freaking sense."  I've had similar reactions from a couple other gay friends (all men).  I've had a few eye rolls as well.  One of my gay friends regularly uses the term ">-bleeped-<" as a slur to refer to women he thinks aren't feminine or 'put together' enough.

I think for a long time while I was in the closet I ignored this type of talk and probably internalized it.  Most of my friends are very liberal, even leftists and they rarely use transphobic language.  But some of my gay friends are an exception that I'm unhappy about.  I honestly don't understand it. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on November 29, 2017, 08:28:59 AM
What i'm surprised at is how ignorant some of my gay friends have been.

Same thing I thought. They weren't ignorant in the sense of having negative reactions or saying derogatory things, not at all. But I mean literally ignorant, I was amazed at the fact that they knew so little about transgenderism.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 29, 2017, 08:45:42 AM
Same thing I thought. They weren't ignorant in the sense of having negative reactions or saying derogatory things, not at all. But I mean literally ignorant, I was amazed at the fact that they knew so little about transgenderism.

there does seem to be an age component to it.  The transphobia i'm hearing seems to come from middle aged gay men I know.  But i do know some lesbian, bi and queer people that are under 40 years old and they're all very 'woke'.  In fact a couple of my younger lesbian friends regularly tell me how "excited" they are for me.  I don't hear any transphobic slurs from them. 

it really really bothers me, because these gay men are people i grew up with.  they should know better.  I was there with some of them when they had to come out years ago to their friends and family, sometimes suffering for it.  Like being kicke out of their homes, shuned by family or even physically beaten and attacked.  20+ years ago the world was much less kind to out young people. 

I thought these old friends would be my allies, but instead I'm having to argue and fight with them in hopes of educating them on inclusive language.  it kind of breaks my heart

Quote from: Becca Kay on November 25, 2017, 12:34:07 PM

Spiro definately makes for more trips to the lavatory each day.  This is something I really do not like.  It makes me think more and more about getting an orchiectomy.  I would very much like to stop taking this drug as soon as possible. 

I think this is a very popular misconception.
Once your estradiol levels are high enough you can begin weening yourself off of Spironolactone.
Your body will stop making testosterone as it detects enough sex hormone (estradiol).
I have literally cut my spironolactone dose in half twice since starting HRT and my T level was once 1310 ng/mL !

My last test put my T at 18 ng/mL so I cut my dose in half again (a couple of months ago).

I'm waiting for lab work results from last week and if my T is still very low I'm going to drop the spironolactone all together.

I am really confused as to why anyone gets an orchiectomy.
...unless they really dislike having testicles between their legs.
...but why not get it all done in that case?

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Quote from: LexiDreamer on December 03, 2017, 09:51:21 AM

I think this is a very popular misconception.
Once your estradiol levels are high enough you can begin weening yourself off of Spironolactone.
Your body will stop making testosterone as it detects enough sex hormone (estradiol).
I have literally cut my spironolactone dose in half twice since starting HRT and my T level was once 1310 ng/mL !

My last test put my T at 18 ng/mL so I cut my dose in half again (a couple of months ago).

I'm waiting for lab work results from last week and if my T is still very low I'm going to drop the spironolactone all together.

I am really confused as to why anyone gets an orchiectomy.
...unless they really dislike having testicles between their legs.
...but why not get it all done in that case?

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Thank you for that!  I thought that as long as i had testes I'd have to be on Spiro.  One of the trans Youtubers that i follow had an Orchiectomy and stated it was specifically to get off Spiro.  i'd heard similiar comments from other women online. How long were you on HRT before you were able to reduce your Spiro dosage?  I want to be off Spiro as soon as possible.  But I don't plan to have SRS anytime soon.


There are other reasons to not want testicals.  I hate them.  i am well endowed and I have too much 'junk' down there.  I can't do a proper tuck, and it's sometimes painful or just plain uncomfortable to tuck.  The only positive is that when I eventually get bottom surgery there will be plenty of material to work with.  In the mean time i would like to not have them anymore.

I've been slowly coming out to more friends.  A few months ago i was terrified when I told the first few people.  But now i really want to get it out there and be done with it.  several times in the past two weeks I blurted it out to various friends of mine without thinking about what I was doing.  I starting to think that I'm 'sabbotaging' my closeted life.  I know that eventually i'll get to the point where other people are unintentionally outing me. 

I have some anxiety over the fact that I'm going around telling people I'm trans, but still presenting 100% of the time as the male me.  It just feels strange. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on December 03, 2017, 07:40:36 PM
Thank you for that!  I thought that as long as i had testes I'd have to be on Spiro.  One of the trans Youtubers that i follow had an Orchiectomy and stated it was specifically to get off Spiro.  i'd heard similiar comments from other women online. How long were you on HRT before you were able to reduce your Spiro dosage?  I want to be off Spiro as soon as possible.  But I don't plan to have SRS anytime soon.


There are other reasons to not want testicals.  I hate them.  i am well endowed and I have too much 'junk' down there.  I can't do a proper tuck, and it's sometimes painful or just plain uncomfortable to tuck.  The only positive is that when I eventually get bottom surgery there will be plenty of material to work with.  In the mean time i would like to not have them anymore.

Less than a year for my first spiro reduction.
I'm sure it all depends on the levels you start off with.
Just get your T tested after a couple of months on your full dose and see where it's at compared to where you started.

What people fail to realize is that testicles begin to atrophy if they're not being used. This also causes them to shrink in size.
The less they are used, the more they atrophy and the less they can produce without needing the T blocker.

I have a trans friend who has been on the same dose of spironolactone for over 17 years! I'm just like WTF is your doctor doing to you?!?
There's no reason to be on it that long.
She didn't know any better and obviously neither did her doctor.

So it doesn't surprise me to hear about Transwomen getting orchies to get off spiro...
It's just a shame that transgender care is so far behind for many practitioners.

There are many women (even on here) that transition without taking T-blockers. It should only be used to give the estradiol a "head a start", not as a persistent treatment.

The farther along you get in your HRT you'll notice your "equipment" will shrink and tucking will get easier.
I was in a similar situation... too much to hide...
But my bits have shrunk significantly and I stay tucked 24-7 now.

Just practice your tuck for as long as you can without pain. Take breaks in between. Like anything else, it gets easier the more you do it.

Enjoy your journey!
-Lexi

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

While out to dinner tonight a friend of mine commented that i looked different.  That something was different about my face and skin. She said my skin looked amazingly smooth and clear.   

I've been afraid that I was trying too hard to see changes.  It's been less than two months, and I know that my dysphoria distorts how I see myself. It felt good though to have someone say that.  It's the first time anyone has. it felt good :)

  It should feel good Becca, because it is good. It is external unsolicted afirmation that change is happening within you and outwardly too. Revel in it girl.

healthier skin is definitely the first thing I noticed! I saw a change within 10 days of starting! I hope you're enjoying your journey so far :)

she was also stating that the shape of my face looked different.  I think there's been a small amount of fat redistribution in my face.  I had a lot of hairloss on my face after my last lazer session, which makes my skin look clearer as well.

i think I may have gained 5lbs in the past month.  I don't know what might be from HRT and what might just be weight gain.  My other thought is that I might have lost some muscle mass, which would have probably turned to fat. 

Kind of scared to weigh myself because it can be a trigger for my ED.   

I went to a dinner party last weekend that was hosted at a friend's house. I went as my true self.  Nothing extravagant, just a girls tshirt, sweater, nail polish, etc.  I only knew the hosts.  There were two other trans people there.  I didn't know them. It was interesting because in the middle of dinner we started talking about HRT, transition, and other fun stuff.  I felt a little intimidated because they were both non binary and obviously 100% out and butch and talking about T injections.     

It reminded me of a time years ago when I ended up at a similar party with mostly lesbians and feminists and I got literally run out of the party after being berated for being a "cis male member of the patriarchy."  I somehow became the butt of every joke that night.  Everything was wrong about me.  My lame clothes and haircut and my midwestern accent.  it hurt because down deep i didn't feel like the way I looked to them.  They saw another generic male >-bleeped-< and inside I just wanted to be a lesbian. 

The difference this time is that I was accepted and respected and invited in.  While i felt a bit overwhelmed, intimidated and out of my depth, it was eye opening and it made me happy. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on December 05, 2017, 06:34:47 PMIt reminded me of a time years ago when I ended up at a similar party with mostly lesbians and feminists and I got literally run out of the party after being berated for being a "cis male member of the patriarchy."  I somehow became the butt of every joke that night.  Everything was wrong about me.  My lame clothes and haircut and my midwestern accent.  it hurt because down deep i didn't feel like the way I looked to them.  They saw another generic male >-bleeped-< and inside I just wanted to be a lesbian. 

Gotta love that lip service equality by the radical types. That they judged you based on your looks is no different than judging people for being a particular skin color, it is unfair stereotyping that harms so many people. I hope you seem them again and they learn a lesson about judging people based on looks. ;D

I've been getting electrolysis twice a month.  Focusing on my chest.  I just changed my schedule to one hour sessions once per week.  It looks like two more hours of being poked and zapped and My entire chest will be clear. 

my breasts are so sore I can't even communicate how painful my electrolysis session was today.  It involved hairs around my nipples. 

HRT seems to be doing the trick, though.  The few hairs that have returned since my last couple of sessions are very fine. 

went to my first trans/non binary support group meeting last night.  It was the first time that people addressed me both with my prounouns and with my new name.  It was a bit sureal.  I'd hear my name and not realize immediatly that someone was talking about me.  It did make me feel old, as most of the people there were much younger than me.  Most I think were barely out of high school.  I think only one other woman there was older than me. 

Initially I worried i wouldn't fit in.  That i wouldn't be seen as "trans enough" because I look so obviously masculine. I wore what has become my typical "go out in public" clothes.  V neck tshirt, women's cardigan, women's skinny jeans, big knitted cap/hat.  This is how i dress whether I"m presenting as my dead name or as me.  It's barely any different than How I dressed prior to beginning my slow transition.  I've always dressed in a similar way, only now my clothing items are just slightly more feminine.  I did also paint my nails. 

My nervousness over my presentation was unfounded, though.  The group included MTF, FTM, and non binary individuals.  Nobody cared how I presented or how neatly my outfit was put together.  People were kind to me, hugged me, called me by my new name.  I wish the rest of the world was as easy as that room was.

It really made me feel good. 

But then I came home to my soon to be ex wife and she unloaded on me with some pretty vicious stuff.  We'll be living together for at least another 1-3 months and we're fairly civil.  But occasionally she blows up at me.  This time it was a common threat she's been making.  She says I am being selfish and mean to her by not letting her OUT ME to her friends and aquaintances.  That it's not fair that I get to live in the closet while she has to "suffer in private."  Everyone knows we're getting divorced, though.  Everyone we know already knows i'm moving away.  Only a few people that I've chosen to come out to know that I'm Trans. 

She also called me a liar.  She said I ruined her life and took "everything" from her.  I've lost my job, my spouse, my house, my dogs.  I'm literally leaving soon with nothing.  She's keeping all of it, and she has a very good paying career.  But somehow now that I"m not paying all her bills, cleaning the house, and cooking all her meals I'm the bad one.  (I'm not exagerating.. .I've literally taken care of her for years... looking back on it now I can't believe how stupid i was). 

I simply need to get through the next few months and find a new job.  She's promised to cooperate with me in our divorce, but each time she blows up at me like this I suspect that once out literally out the door she will fight me legally on everything.   

One step forward... two steps back.  :(

Also..  I have noticeable breast growth.  While they've been sore for a number of weeks I wasn't sure that there was any growth.  But now there very obviously is.  I can actually cup them in my hands, while i had a rather flat chest two months ago.  My bust measurement has only grown an inch.  But I think that's because i may have lost a bit of muscle mass from around my ribs & back. 

congrats on the breast growth and the successful visit to the support group! I still haven't been to one yet, I should look into that. I'm really sorry about all these issues with your wife, I hope she has a change of heart

Quote from: Maddie86 on December 10, 2017, 01:41:42 PM
congrats on the breast growth and the successful visit to the support group! I still haven't been to one yet, I should look into that. I'm really sorry about all these issues with your wife, I hope she has a change of heart

thanks.  but she's not having a change of heart.  even if she did I can't live with her anymore.  It's a codependant relationship and I let her roll all over me.  it's not healthy for me. 

 Hi Becca,

   I'm glad you had a good welcome at the support meeting. Some I hear are very good and other aren't so it sounds like you one you went to is one of the good ones. It can make all the difference to feel and be welcomed. And good news on the chest upraising. May your pride in it swell to fruition. lol I remember when mine started several months ago I though it such a wondrous thing. It still is though it's become harder to notice changes. I still say to myself "You've got boobs" when I undress. I am still in awe of them.
  It is a sad thing with your wife but as you indicate it is probably for the best that you two are splitting. It took me a long time to come to see that my ex did what was best for her at the time. I was hurt by it and it took me a very long time to get over it. That period was the worst part of my life so far and I am still having to come to grips with some of it. It is only part of what has me so messed up now. I hope you don't have any such problems.
  Anyway it is nice to read of the good things happening for you Becca. Keep that stuff coming girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

The Epilator I ordered last week arrived today!!  Drinking wine now so i can get in the mood for some leg plucking pain!!!

:angel:

THAT was painful!

half a bottle of wine and half my legs.  I got from my feet up to my knees and couldn't take it anymore. 

WOW.  That hurt

my calves are on fire. 

LOL Becca you reminded me of one my friends who is also MTF  who told me epilating hurt like hell. I bought my epilator and used it all over my body, including armpits, and it was fine. It hurts a bit but nothing unmanageable. I told her she was a big p**sy lol.

I also got *most* of my body parts in one sitting with tolerable pain. Stinging is more the term. Certain parts .. nope, no way, not going to happen.

I definitely recommend reading up on exfoliating and moisturizing rituals to help avoid ingrown hairs or infected follicles. You will likely get some in any case, best to keep it to a minimum.

at the end of this year I'm leaving my current company after 20 years due to staffing custs. in reality my boss hates me and used the staff cuts as an opportunity to get rid of me.  the fact that this news came within weeks of coming out to my wife and realizing we'd be divorcing was like salt in an open wound.  It's also felt for a while now like it wasn't real, even though I've been sending out my resume and talking to recruiters.

For the past year as I struggled with my inability to keep my dysphoria compartmentalized my biggest fear was coming out at work.  By the time I got forced out I had decided that I could eventually come out at work, probably in a year.  My current company does have a progressive policy on LGBTQ and diversity, and my insurance covers everything except FFS. 

Now that doesn't matter.

I had a job interview this week with a company in a southern state.  Moving to the South was not initially on my list of places to move.  It's not (at least from the outside) an obvious example of a progressive company.  But it's in a city that's probably as hip and progressive as it's going to get without moving to the west coast.  The position is nearly identical to the one I'm leaving.  If they make me an offer it will almost certainly include a generous relocation package and a substantial salary increase over the job i'm leaving. 

If i wasn't going on 3 months of HRT I would probably be happy right now.  But instead i'm terrified.  I have hoped in the back of my mind that i'd somehow fall into a position at a wildly progressive company that would be supportive of my evenatual transition.  I was being naive.  I don't think such a place exists.  If it does it's probably so rare that I'll never find it.

I can't go into an interview or engage in a salary negotiation asking how a company will feel in 12 months when I schedule FFS and top surgery.  I have to stay in the closet.

This is all suddenly frightening me in a way that I hadn't felt before.  I've been living in a weird little fantasy bubble.  I'm living mostly in the closet on HRT, but all the really tough coming out stuff is out on the horizen far enough that it isn't real and specific and the details can't hurt me. 

I don't feel like I have much of a choice.  I need a job soon.  I'm going through a divorce.  I am lucky to have marketable skills.  I should be grateful but i'm feeling an intense anxiety. 

i hate this life sometimes.  I wish I didn't have to deal with this.  I've been thinking the past couple of days that I should maybe stop HRT.  My breasts are starting to show.  How do i stay in the closet if i'm presenting as a tall skinny guy with breasts? 

There's a million reasons for male breast growth, I wouldn't worry about that too much. If you want to acknowledge it at all, maybe drop hints here and there about medicinal side effects for other stuff maybe if it's super obvious. Though there's always simply binding if possible.

If you are moving down south and found hip and progressive, I'm assuming you are looking at Austin or Atlanta. In either case, they are supposed to be fairly great places to be transitioning. I'm headed Atlanta way myself next year.

Quote from: Becca Kay on December 16, 2017, 09:17:20 AM
i hate this life sometimes.  I wish I didn't have to deal with this.  I've been thinking the past couple of days that I should maybe stop HRT.  My breasts are starting to show.  How do i stay in the closet if i'm presenting as a tall skinny guy with breasts?

I feel you on that one. I'm a tall skinny (at least I look skinny - e has made curves instead of a gut the scales say something different!) guy with curves and breasts, but not really passable yet. I'm lucky my workplace is accepting, though they insist on me presenting as male for a while longer. My wife was accepting, but the kids reaction is yet to be seen. Its been almost three months now and the changes are big enough its a challenge presenting as male. I really don't want to, but its a necessity right now. Still, for now I'll compromise. Women's Jeans as they are the best fit, and feminine style shirts. Not really enough, but it will have to do for now.

Be strong! The journey is only just beginning. :)

I'm going on 3 months with HRT and other than my chest the changes are very subtle.  Slightly larger thighs. Clearer skin.  Laser treatments on my face are probably more obvious to people than anything HRT has yet done.   Without FFS and a wig (I am nearly bald) there's no way I'll ever look very feminine. 

What people are noticing is that in the past 6 months I've lost 50 lbs and my big thick beard is gone. My clothing has changed a lot. Even though i present as male at work and most public places I dress very different from how I was only 6 months ago. People at work have been commenting on my appearance, but to them I think it just looks like I got fit and bought a hip new wardrobe.

Quote from: Roll on December 16, 2017, 09:56:01 AM
There's a million reasons for male breast growth, I wouldn't worry about that too much. If you want to acknowledge it at all, maybe drop hints here and there about medicinal side effects for other stuff maybe if it's super obvious. Though there's always simply binding if possible.

If you are moving down south and found hip and progressive, I'm assuming you are looking at Austin or Atlanta. In either case, they are supposed to be fairly great places to be transitioning. I'm headed Atlanta way myself next year.

I'd love to live in Austin. I think I could get used  to Atlanta, despite the traffic.  But's neither of those cities. It's a lot smaller than ATL, that's for sure. 

I've been thinking that I may need a binder.  I just ordered a bralette which I'm going to try.  Hoping it does the trick for the time being.

While I'm at it today...  An update on my epilator and electrolysis

Earlier this week I managed to clear my legs with the epilator from  above the knee down to my feet.  5 days later I'm amazed at how smooth my lower legs are. I shaved my thighs 48 hours ago and they're already rough and covered in stubble.

Wednesday I had an electrolysis appointment which involved the area around my nipples. The place where I get my treatments bought a new machine, which is much less painful. But jeez that hurt!  Having a needle stuck into the edge my nipples was unbelievable. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on December 16, 2017, 12:52:52 PM
While I'm at it today...  An update on my epilator and electrolysis

Earlier this week I managed to clear my legs with the epilator from  above the knee down to my feet.  5 days later I'm amazed at how smooth my lower legs are. I shaved my thighs 48 hours ago and they're already rough and covered in stubble.

Wednesday I had an electrolysis appointment which involved the area around my nipples. The place where I get my treatments bought a new machine, which is much less painful. But jeez that hurt!  Having a needle stuck into the edge my nipples was unbelievable.

I do neck down with an epilator (avoiding 3 sensitive spots). It's awesome. Shaving just didn't cut it for me (HAH!). I went 2 weeks and just today doing it again. That is w/o any hrt or anything to slow down hair growth.

Quote from: Becca Kay on December 16, 2017, 12:52:52 PMHaving a needle stuck into the edge my nipples was unbelievable.

:o

Quote from: Becca Kay on December 16, 2017, 12:43:44 PM
I've been thinking that I may need a binder.  I just ordered a bralette which I'm going to try.  Hoping it does the trick for the time being.

Don't buy a binder as they can harm developing breasts. Look into sports bras as they will gently reduce the impact of your breasts.

some personal life updates....

I am weeks away from losing my job.  I've worked for the same company my entire life.  Literally since I was old enough to get an after school job.   I'm also beginning the process of a divorce.  This was my second marriage.  I came out to my wife earlier this year and she immediately stated she wanted the marriage to end, that she wasn't a lesbian and didn't want to be married to one.  Losing my job maybe hurt more than the impending divorce, because I am very good at what I do. My career has been a consistent thing in my life.  But i ran afoul some how of a new VP who seems to want to eliminate everyone over 40 from his departments. 

Right before my job blew up in my face I had decided to take steps toward transitioning. I would say it was bad timing, but 6 months ago it was either that or killing myself.  So far it's been hair removal and HRT.  Both efforts have made me feel better.  And i've started coming out to a few of my friends.

A month ago I began looking for a new job. Until last month i've never taken part in a real job interview.  It's pushed me out of my comfort zone for sure.  But it also is fueling my anxiety and dysphoria.  Right at this point where my personal life includes HRT and coming out to my closest friends as a woman (but not at work and not to my family yet) I'm also conducting a job search and trying to sell my old Male self as a great hire. 

Coming out (however slowly) has not 'worked' like i thought it would.  I'm a very analytical person.  I like to plan things. I like to make decisions and execute them. But as i've come out even just a little bit the coming out seems to fuel more coming out.  I've started blurting out to some aquaintences that i'm trans. My casual day to day wardrobe has become feminized and I"m not hiding it when I go out of the house. I'm finding it harder and harder to put my male work clothes on every morning.  I'm becoming afraid that getting a new job is going to mean keeping a lid on my transition for some time to come. 

I want to just tell everyone everywhere and get it over with.  I want to be out with it once and for all and just move forward using my new name and dressing the way I want.  But doing that would almost certainly leave me unemployed.

My anxiety and dysphoria seem to be suddenly getting worse.  The discomfort and stress of getting another job while in the closet is painful.  I'm crying a lot.  I'm worried about having to move away from all my friends and live alone in another city.  It scares me. 

i think i've ranted in here about all this repeatedly.  sorry.  can't help it right now

Quote from: Dena on December 16, 2017, 04:17:04 PM
Don't buy a binder as they can harm developing breasts. Look into sports bras as they will gently reduce the impact of your breasts.

I don't think i need a binder (maybe at some point in the future).  i'm just super self conscious.  I feel when i'm at work like everyone can see that my breast have grown.  But in reality it's a small change.  I can wear a bralette and a t shirt under my button ups and nobody will notice.

It is a personal decision how you want to handle this but when my company went from around 1,000 to about 250 I decided the best solution was going full time then looking for a job. It wasn't the most comfortable thing I ever did but in hide sight, it was the best solution to the problem. As it was, it took two year to rebuild my savings and it would have been longer had I transitioned on the job and lost the new one. There is a strong possibility that would have been the results as my boss was religious and I believe somewhat intolerant.

QuoteMy anxiety and dysphoria seem to be suddenly getting worse.  The discomfort and stress of getting another job while in the closet is painful.  I'm crying a lot.  I'm worried about having to move away from all my friends and live alone in another city.  It scares me.

Hi Becca,

   I wish I could reach through this computer and just hug you, stroke your hair and tell you everything is going to be alright. You have every reason to be afraid of the unknown because it is scary. And on top of it all you are likely feeling your emotions more from the HRT medications. Crying would definitely be more just because of that. I speak with some authority in the matter as I am no stranger to tears of all sorts for many different reasons. It is hard to face the unknown with no idea of what to expect. If you are a pessimist like myself you always see the down side of things and wonder at those that seem to see that silver lining in everything. I just cannot understand that myself. But with that said I will say that it could turn out to be a new beginning for you and in that it could be one of the best thing to happen for you. Perhaps you can employ positive reinforcement by telling yourself, "Everything will be okay. Whatever happens I will be okay", every time you are feeling afraid and things are starting to overwhelm you . I am told that it works.
  There is hope, Becca.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Just over five months here, and I'd still say as long as I'm wearing a loose fitting shirt nobody can tell, then again, I was overweight to begin with, and had some gynecomastia there, so I always had bumps on my shirt, the only difference now is that the sides are way rounder...

thank you all for you replies and messages.  It really helps!

extra long weekend almost over.  I've been cooking for three straight days.

Saturday afternoon I had a party with all my siblings and their kids.  I made pies.  my Trans support group had a potluck on Saturday night.  I made lasagna.  Yesterday I spent all afternoon making pies for the next two days worth of meals.  And I made more lasagna for my soon to be ex's family last night.  This morning I got up early to cook a ham, which I had to my mother's for an early Xmas brunch.  Tonight i'm making pizza for my sister in law, who flew into town from LA late yesterday. 

I'm not out to my immediate family, but I am out to my soon to be ex's family.  they've been very kind to me, despite the divorce.  I'm waiting until after the holidays to come out to my mother.  This weekend I stopped switching my outfits between the holiday outings where i was either in or out.  My female clothing isn't really all that different from my male clothing (skinny jeans, t shirts).  I told myself that if my mother asked me about my nail polish I'd just blurt out to her that i was queer.  But she never did. 

i've been trying to put on make up on for a while now.  In private.  I kept thinking it would help me.   It's not going so well.  It makes me look worse than I do without it. It's making me depressed.  I don't look any more feminine with make up on. I'm too old too, so it just exacerbates the wrinkles on my face.

To be honest i've never really wanted to wear make up.  But I don't see how anybody will ever see me as at least trying to present as a woman without it.  I envy my soon to be ex wife.  She's never worn make up.  She doesn't have to.  She's very beautiful and feminine and looks that way no matter what she's dressed in.

I on the other hand don't ever look feminine.  Even when I'm wearing leggings a skirt, etc. I look like a guy in women's clothing.  I keep pushing this out of my mind, though.  I keep telling myself that i need to take on step at a time and not get ahead of myself.  Therapy. Then HRT.  Then come out.  Then get FFS.  In the back of my mind, though, what I want is to be a different person.  Shorter, narrower,  not bald.  I don't want to have to wear a wig.  I don't want to have to try so hard. 

I was soooo happy to start HRT.  And it really has changed my mental state.  It's amazing. I don't want to go back. But now i'm starting to realize the easy part is over.  Coming out is gonig to be tough because it will mean that I have to accept myself, at least most of myself, as I am.

i'm so damn sad right now.   :icon_ashamed: 

Quote from: Becca Kay on December 30, 2017, 03:09:47 PM
i've been trying to put on make up on for a while now.  In private.  I kept thinking it would help me.   It's not going so well.  It makes me look worse than I do without it. It's making me depressed.  I don't look any more feminine with make up on. I'm too old too, so it just exacerbates the wrinkles on my face.

To be honest i've never really wanted to wear make up.  But I don't see how anybody will ever see me as at least trying to present as a woman without it.  I envy my soon to be ex wife.  She's never worn make up.  She doesn't have to.  She's very beautiful and feminine and looks that way no matter what she's dressed in.

I on the other hand don't ever look feminine.  Even when I'm wearing leggings a skirt, etc. I look like a guy in women's clothing.  I keep pushing this out of my mind, though.  I keep telling myself that i need to take on step at a time and not get ahead of myself.  Therapy. Then HRT.  Then come out.  Then get FFS.  In the back of my mind, though, what I want is to be a different person.  Shorter, narrower,  not bald.  I don't want to have to wear a wig.  I don't want to have to try so hard. 

I was soooo happy to start HRT.  And it really has changed my mental state.  It's amazing. I don't want to go back. But now i'm starting to realize the easy part is over.  Coming out is gonig to be tough because it will mean that I have to accept myself, at least most of myself, as I am.

i'm so damn sad right now.   :icon_ashamed:

Hi Becca,

  That's a bit of a list you have there so let start with Makeup. Think artist. Women learn the art of face painting as part of their growing up process. You and I did not. Because of that you are being unfair to yourself. Makeup take learning the techniques oh shading, contouring, high lighting and blending, And that is only to get your canvas ready for the real artwork. I have probably been at it for more years than you have and I don't know how they do it. My technique can be done with regular house paint brushes, just open the can mix and paint a coat on. It takes time to learn.

   Clothes is another thing that women are good at. Why? Because they know their bodies and colors and styles and accessorizing. They "Put together a look" that works for them taking into account all these things. Again it is a thing they have worked a lifetime on. You don't just grab something and put it on like you are used to doing when you lived as a guy. From myself I am beginning why it looks like a woman has emptied their closet and drawers on the bed when getting ready to go somewhere. I find myself doing it too. Just today I was going to wear a dress to go to lunch with Kendra, Beth, and Saha. I pulled out a pink cami with a bodice. A black and white striped dress, and because it's chilly a pair of black leggings I put it all on and looked at myself and too it all off, I didn't like the look. So I put on my stripe purple v neck sweater top, bootcut jeans pink socks and my dark brown boots with a 2' heel. (a favorite outfit) The dress and other stuff is still on my bed. sigh   Looking good take practice.

  Lastly girl, changing your gender is a process. You have already accomplished somethings, are working on others and still have more to do before you will get to a point you are happy. And let's face it girl we are doing these thing to be happy because we are sick and tired of not being happy. Some of these steps are harder than others. None of them are what I would call easy. Admitting you are trans is but the first and it isn't easy at all, But dear girl you have done it. doing everything to arrange to start HRT is not easy, but again you have done it. Okay actually taking it was pretty easy for me and probably for you too. Coming out to family and friends is one of the scariest thing you will do. There is no doubt about that. Fear surrounds every revelation you make to those that are important to you. You desperately want their acceptance and approval but what if they don't? It scares the bejesus out of you. Yet it is a thing you will do and how each turn out is a crap shoot, a flip of the coin. Now you brought up another really hard one for you and for myself. You are not alone with it.
I have yet to accept myself. I have too much old baggage I carry that keep me from even liking myself let alone accepting myself.  I hope your self acceptance is not as bad as mine. What ever they are , it is something to share with your therapist so you can get to work on it now. Maybe by the time you feel you can accept yourself you will.

  Sad? Well, once again you are not alone. Sad in itself isn't too bad as it is a passing thing. Thing get better and it disappears. Now depression, well that is a wholly differ can of worms. Don't let your sadness  become depression. It is a lot harder to make go away.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Hi Becca

Don't be so hard on yourself, we all feel horrible from time to time...there is no amount of makeup I can use to scrub away what 40+ years of testosterone and no care, has done to my appearance. However what I can do is improve my general appearance with the right combination of makeup.

It takes time to learn this stuff. I know everyone suggests online tutorials but I have to say the best advice I got was from a makeup artist who showed me (once) how to apply various items. The thing that helped the most is a very simple but well illustrated book showing how to apply the very basics of makeup. This book does not care if you spill something on it or drop it or run out or power, it fits in a bag , its simple and straight forward and very portable.

The other thing that helped is practice, expensive does not always equal the best when it comes to makeup. My favourite foundation is a $10 Target brand, it goes on better than my very expensive MAC foundation. I started my using one element at a time, Eyeliner , wearing BB cream or light foundation is a really good place to start. When you feel you have it working well, add another element. It won't take long before you have it working for you. Try a lipstick that is a similar colour to the inside of your bottom lip. Getting colours that work for you is nothing but trial and error.

Quote from: Becca Kay on December 30, 2017, 03:09:47 PM

......
I was soooo happy to start HRT.  And it really has changed my mental state.  It's amazing. I don't want to go back. But now i'm starting to realize the easy part is over.  Coming out is gonig to be tough because it will mean that I have to accept myself, at least most of myself, as I am.

i'm so damn sad right now.   :icon_ashamed: 

Self acceptance is possibly one of the hardest thing for many of us to do. I know I struggled with it for a long time and even now I still have days where I have to actively use some of the techniques my therapist taught me to get through them. Sometimes something will happen that hits you hard and bumps you into negative thinking. 

I started working on my self acceptance a few years ago now by using positive affirmations. I searched the net, wrote them up on my PC, printed them off and put them in old photo  frames in my line of sight to remind me...things like

"We are shaped by our thoughts. We become what we think"  and "What's in a name that which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet" another opld one "There is no definitive answer to being transgender"

I know it can sound weird but they do help, You can't help being who you are. You can spend this one and only life you have been given thinking about who you might have been or spend it being that person. It is going to be tough, difficult and at times disheartening, but when you get to a place where you find the dysphoria begins to leave you then you don't want to ever go back. I hope you can finds that space soon.

Thank you Laurie and Elizabeth!  I had a couple of bad days this week and things started to really get to me.   I also haven't been to my shrink in going on two weeks because of the holidays.  My dysphoria is exacerbated by stress and I have a LOT of stress in my life right now.

Job search and recently meeting with a divorce lawyer has taken a toll.  I know I'll snap back. 

time for some updates....

based on my last blood work my Endo upped my estrodiol.  I was on a low dose the first few months and this doubles it.


I had an in person job interview last week. they flew me to their headquarters.   4 straight hours with half a dozen people, one after the other.  I thought everything went very very well, but i found out yesterday that I didn't get the position.  My job search is now three months long.  It's now much more of a cause for anxiety in my life than my dysphoria.

Earlier tonight i finally got up the nerve to come out to my mother.  I had soooo much fear built up over telling her.  My therapist has been urging me for weeks now to tell her.  I have a good relationship with my mom, even if it's not a terribly close one.  But I had worried and worried and worried that I would break her heart somehow.  In my mind I imagined the absolute worst that could happen and it was making me sick. 

I called her on the phone because I couldn't make myself do it in person and had kept chickening out.  It ended up going very well.  She wasn't heartbroken.  She didn't have a negative reaction.  She told me not to worry and that she loved me.  She actually said that she'd noticed for a long time that i'd been depressed, and that recently something was obviously different with me.  She was so OK with it that after the phone call I kind of froze and just sat in my house for 5 minutes trying to absorb what had just happened.

Hi Becca,

  I am sorry that you didn't get the job you were after. Keep putting those resumes and online applications out there eventually you will get one of them.
  Isn't it great that your worries about telling your Mom wasn't as big a deal as you thought it would be? Good job for getting it done. Not you can back off a little on the stress meter. You really don't need it and dysphoria now do you? Deep breaths and take it easy on yourself. Things will work themselves out for you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I have had such a deep deep fear of coming out. First to my wife, then friends, then my family. It ate away at me and the anxiety from it has sometimes crippled me.  As I think about it more and more I think this fear is really driven by shame.  I was raised to think this is shameful, a sin.  My father used to say "you can be anything you want in life as long as you're not a faggot."

Last night each of my siblings reached out to me to tell me they support me.  Like my mother I heard from some of them that they had been concerned about me for years. That I had seemed depressed and even angry for a long time. This is obviously true, but I never realized how transparent I had been. I thought I had masked my depression better than that.

In a way this step in coming out has been anti climatic.  My fear of rejection or hurting my mother was unfounded. My immediate family, a few of whom are quite conservative chose me over their obvious political views.

Quote from: Becca Kay on January 11, 2018, 06:42:59 AM
In a way this step in coming out has been anti climatic.  My fear of rejection or hurting my mother was unfounded. My immediate family, a few of whom are quite conservative chose me over their obvious political views.

That has been my exact feeling over the past few months. Anti-climatic is the only word for it. We put so much of ourselves on the line, after having wrapped ourselves in fear and doubt, often burdened by self loathing or repression for decades. All the while absorbing every negative thing in the news and from more unfortunate coming out stories.

I'm getting to what I think is part two of that though, in that I'm starting to be a bit more brazen abut coming out. It helps that I'm out to 80% of the people I actually care about. It's going to come back to haunt me at some point, I'm sure. (In other words, because it's hard to just be happy, I've replaced one fear with another!)

 My Dear Becca,

  Hon, your are not alone at all in growing up with fear, guilt, and shame. For me it wasn't a sin but it was wrong. It wasn't even my playing with my sisters or others girls when I was very young. It was when I began to borrow their clothes that the worst of my guilt and shame for doing what I so wanted to do. No one had to tell me it was wrong, it just was. And yet I did it and continued to do it all my life. Obviously this weighed heavily on my mind. As I got older I discovered even more self deprecating  terms to lower my self esteem and add to my insecurities. All these things began to make me angry as I acted out more and more about things I could not control. Of course back then I didn't know everything was somehow related to gender dysphoria. Everything added up and came out  in anger, family problems, drugs, alcoholism, divorce, depression, and it doesn't stop there. No Becca, you are definitely not alone in your struggles. I Then all know them well, Becca. Some of them I have been able to put in the past, others have gone and returned due to recent events. Somethings are constant companions.
  Those fears we all deal with can be debilitation and usually when we face then they are anticlimactic and that is good. I'll take anticlimactic any day over having my fears realized. And yes those fears do make it hard to be happy. But don't let it stop you from carrying one. I'm sure you can overcome the depression and sadness you feel. It won't be easy but I believe you can do it. I believe you will because I believe you want to end your distress in a positive manner. You can do this Becca. Believe it yourself for yourself and all else will fall into place.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Roll on January 11, 2018, 09:48:44 AM
That has been my exact feeling over the past few months. Anti-climatic is the only word for it. We put so much of ourselves on the line, after having wrapped ourselves in fear and doubt, often burdened by self loathing or repression for decades. All the while absorbing every negative thing in the news and from more unfortunate coming out stories.

I'm getting to what I think is part two of that though, in that I'm starting to be a bit more brazen abut coming out. It helps that I'm out to 80% of the people I actually care about. It's going to come back to haunt me at some point, I'm sure. (In other words, because it's hard to just be happy, I've replaced one fear with another!)

Sunday I went out all day in make up for the first time.  Grocery shopping alone.  Then shopping at the mall with two of my girlfriends.  Then we went out for Margaritas.  I used the women's bathroom!  It was scary and fun and I fell asleep that night with a smile on my face. 

There's good fear and bad fear.  I'll take the good kind as much as possible! 

the past week has been a crazy time.


A week ago I came out to my family.  Friday I had a job interview that went very well.  Saturday i went to my support group meeting and got to hang out all night with trans girls.  :)   Sunday shopping all day and drinks with my cis girlfriends.  Monday morning I had another job interview (different company).  While I was at my therapist appointment tonight I got a phone call from the company that interviewed me on Friday.  They offered me a job and i'm accepting their offer.

I'm moving to Washington DC.  I can't believe it.

My little city is not the most queer friendly.  I've lived my whole life here.  I'm hoping for lots of wonderful adventures in DC!

   I congratulated you in the happy thread already but what the heck.. Congratulations on the new job. Have you been to big cities? I hope you know what you will be getting yourself into. You very well might like it but I get kind of claustrophobic myself. It is just too dense in places like that. Yes, I have been there and after less than two days I had to get out so I could breathe again. I hope it is not like that for you. And I wish you good luck in the change of environment.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on January 15, 2018, 11:59:52 PM
   I congratulated you in the happy thread already but what the heck.. Congratulations on the new job. Have you been to big cities? I hope you know what you will be getting yourself into. You very well might like it but I get kind of claustrophobic myself. It is just too dense in places like that. Yes, I have been there and after less than two days I had to get out so I could breathe again. I hope it is not like that for you. And I wish you good luck in the change of environment.

Hugs,
  Laurie

i've wanted to move to the coasts my whole life.  Portland, OR is my home away from home.  I feel just as at home there and the Bay Area as I do here in the middle of the country.  I love Chicago.  I like cities.  I wish I was going to the West Coast, but this is pretty good.  There's a great queer community in D.C.  Many cool bars.  So much to do. 

  Okay Becca it does sound like you know what you are doing so good for you Hun. I won't say any more about your decision. I don't even like going into Portland and avoid it if I can. I live about 14 miles south of there. I even rather live more remote if I could. I need to start thinking about where we will go from here soon We already pay too much for rent. But it helps to be fairly close to hospitals for my sister and for myself. Those kind of thing matter when you start getting older.
   When do you move?

Hugs,
  Laurie

i've had a couple of interviews for jobs in PDX.  I went for two weeks last summer and rented an apartment in Laurelhurst.  I bummed around the city on bikes and trains and buses and visted my friends.  It was like for a brief time that i was living there away from my old life.  It was then that I decided to come out and transition and change my life. 

I so much want to live in PDX.  I have so many friends there.  I feel comfortable and mostly safe in a way that I don't anywhere else.  I am a Thorns/Timbers fan.  Despite living two thousand miles away i managed to go to 7 games last year.

Also, i have a massive Rose City tattoo. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on January 15, 2018, 09:04:16 PM
the past week has been a crazy time.


A week ago I came out to my family.  Friday I had a job interview that went very well.  Saturday i went to my support group meeting and got to hang out all night with trans girls.  :)   Sunday shopping all day and drinks with my cis girlfriends.  Monday morning I had another job interview (different company).  While I was at my therapist appointment tonight I got a phone call from the company that interviewed me on Friday.  They offered me a job and i'm accepting their offer.

I'm moving to Washington DC.  I can't believe it.

My little city is not the most queer friendly.  I've lived my whole life here.  I'm hoping for lots of wonderful adventures in DC!

Congratulations Becca!  Glad things are looking up for you!

Jess

Another hour of electrolysis today on my chest.  I'm finally hair free from my neck to the underside of my breasts.  My tech is wonderful.  After my therapist she probably knows more about what is happening with me than anybody.  However, every week for an hour she electrocutes my boobs! 

I went wig shopping with a couple of my girlfriends yesterday.  I was so nervous.  I couldn't have gone alone.  I tried on a lot of wigs.  I thought I wanted medium length black hair.  But it looks all wrong on me with my complexion.  I chose a long wig with bangs and a light red/blonde color.  It's closer to what my hair looked like when I was young. 

I was worried that I might feel uncomfortable in a wig.  I never really wanted long hair.  If I was born a girl i'd probably wear my hair short.  But I'm not a "natural girl" and I lost a lot of hair before i started HRT.  Without a wig I not only can't pass, I don't look at all like a woman.

I wore the wig out of the shop and went out a bit downtown with my girlfriends.  It felt wonderful.  When I got home I didn't want to take it off. 

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi66.tinypic.com%2Fnq5l5x.jpg&hash=957e55f3f34e04cf6861793373e117dd85e7e171)

You are adorable! I love the wig choice!

thank you!  I'm so happy!

  I've lived my life as a cis male, but I've always been more comfortable being around women. My friends though have always been, or mostly been, men.   Lately I've been spending my free time with women.  I didn't plan this.  I didn't try to start going out for wine with the girls. But that's what has happened.  The wives of several of my old guy friends have started inviting me to go out with them.  They've included me in their activities and I've found myself spending a lot of time with my friends' wives.

It's been a surreal experience.  The other day I found myself engaged in a detailed conversation about the sex life of one of my friends, except he wasn't there and I was talking to his wife... Who now I guess is my friend too... In a way she wasn't just a few months ago.

Another recent conversation I had with a few of the girls involved discomfort during intercourse.  I have NEVER had conversations like this with women.  I find it an amazing experience. Not just because it's so different from my experience with men, but because it feels completely natural to me.   In fact I realized today that I can't really ever go back to being a man full time.  In large part because I never felt like I was connecting with most of my male friends.  Being a man and hanging out with men was a part I played. I was a good actor. But I didn't like the job. It was unfulfilling.

Also, I've had my wig for exactly 4 days and I already feel uncomfortable going out of the house without it. I go to work as (dead name) but outside of work I'm always me now. I've stopped dressing as a man.  All my clothing is either gender neutral or feminine. 

That has quickly led to a intense feelings of dysphoria while I'm at work. The past three days I've been sitting g in my office wanting to cry, or go home and get my wig. 

This is an HRT thread, so here's a quick HRT update.  Since getting my estradiol dosage doubled last month I've noticed a couple of changes.  My hair (body and face) is growing more slowly. While laser has knocked out a substantial amount of my facial hair what is left seems to barely grow. I used to have long rough stubble only 10 hours after shaving my face.  I can go two days now before there's enough stubble to shave. And my body hair is growing more slowly. I go for electrolysis every 7 days on my upper body/ torso. I would typically shave between sessions and there would be enough growth for my tech to work with. I didn't shave between appointments this week, but there was barely any stubble for her to work with today.

This makes me so happy.

Hi Becca,

  I've caught up on your thread and I like your wig. The stories about being included with the girls was fun and I think you may be heading for a talk with your boss soon so you can be yourself at work. Just take things one day at a time and one step at a time and you'll be okay.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on January 24, 2018, 09:38:48 PM
Hi Becca,

  I've caught up on your thread and I like your wig. The stories about being included with the girls was fun and I think you may be heading for a take with your boss soon so you can be yourself at work. Just take things one day at a time and one step at a time and you'll be okay.

Hugs,
  Laurie

thank you! 

next week is my last at my current job.   next month i move to DC for my new job.  I'm hoping it goes well and later this year I can come out at work and finally an be myself.

Saturday was my support group.  We go out to a local brewery after and I look forward to it for the weeks in between meetings.  Even though i've only been going for a couple of months i've gotten rather attached to several of the girls.  It is an amazing feeling to be able to be myself and to talk to other people who are more like me than anyone else i've ever known.  I never realized that it would be wonderful to sit and chat with half a dozen other girls. 

Several of them said they're really sad that i'm moving away.  I was so touched that i had to try really hard not to cry. 

I've been going out as much as possible in my wig and make-up.  It feels really good to be dressed properly. I feel more like myself.  But it's also scary because i'm paranoid and anxious about how people will react to me

I went out to brunch with friends on Sunday to a popular new breakfast spot, which is small and crowded.  It was mostly a great time, but i did catch random people staring at me.  I'd look up from my meal and see someone and they'd realize i was looking back and they'd do that thing where they quickly avert their eyes and try to pretend they weren't staring.

Yesterday was my birthday, which i spent alone.  I kind of liked having the night to myself.  I went out to my neighborhood sushi restaurant and sat at the bar for my usual sashimi. I go there alone at least once per week and the bartenders (all women) know me and are very nice to me and seem happy when I show up, especially since i started showing up as myself.  Unfortunately, last night some drunk old guy was sitting several seats down the bar from me.  He was snickering and making comments under his breath but I heard "He-She" over and over and at one point he was boasting that he "had a radar for noticing when there were perverts nearby." 

It made me feel bad.  Kind of ruined my night.  I go there because it feels safe and the Indonesian bartenders get really chatty with me.  I always feel better after. 

Why are so many people (usually men) so horrible?

I know i'm not ever going to be delicate and petite and feminine looking to completely pass.  I'm tall and I have shoulders. and too wide a jaw.  I have huge feet.  And I have to wear a wig. 

I was inspired to come out by Laura Jane Grace and also Charlie Jane Anders.  Both are tall trans women (like me) who have their own unique looks.  I felt that if they could look so good and hold their heads up high and be so out there publicly than i should be able to be myself too. 

I want to be stronger, tougher.  I want to be able to just blow it off when bigots say cruel things to me.  Or smirk or wink back at people when I catch them staring. 

But it's <Not allowed> hard.  So hard.

You are a woman. End of story. Be close to your heart, always and trust me, not much else will matter. The outside world doesn't define who you are.

it's been two weeks since I posted in this thread but it feels like a year.  So here are a few updates...


I moved 1,000 miles away to my new job.  It's only been a couple of days but it feels like I made the right decision.  I am not out at work, but I'm optimistic that I can be in the future.  My new employer is regularly noted in the media as being LGBTQ friendly and their corp inclusivity policies include gender identity.

I'm out now to all of my friends and family.  It feels good.  After a few weeks my mother now uses my new name.  My family gave me a going away party and I showed up as myself.  That was the first time all of them saw me presenting as a woman. I was only dead named once the whole day.  LOL

for two weeks while i was between jobs I was presenting all day every day as myself.  It was the longest period of time in my life that I've done that.  When i had to show up as (dead name) to my new job yesterday it was a LOT HARDER than i thought it would be.  I don't know how long I can do this. 

My only fear right now is being literally alone without friends in a big city.  I didn't realize how safe my little group of supportive friends made me feel back in my home town.  I had gotten comfortable going out in my wig and skirts because I always felt like somebody had my back.  But that's gone.  It's terrifying

Quote from: Becca Kay on February 13, 2018, 09:16:36 PM
it's been two weeks since I posted in this thread but it feels like a year.  So here are a few updates...


I moved 1,000 miles away to my new job.  It's only been a couple of days but it feels like I made the right decision.  I am not out at work, but I'm optimistic that I can be in the future.  My new employer is regularly noted in the media as being LGBTQ friendly and their corp inclusivity policies include gender identity.

I'm out now to all of my friends and family.  It feels good.  After a few weeks my mother now uses my new name.  My family gave me a going away party and I showed up as myself.  That was the first time all of them saw me presenting as a woman. I was only dead named once the whole day.  LOL

for two weeks while i was between jobs I was presenting all day every day as myself.  It was the longest period of time in my life that I've done that.  When i had to show up as (dead name) to my new job yesterday it was a LOT HARDER than i thought it would be.  I don't know how long I can do this. 

My only fear right now is being literally alone without friends in a big city.  I didn't realize how safe my little group of supportive friends made me feel back in my home town.  I had gotten comfortable going out in my wig and skirts because I always felt like somebody had my back.  But that's gone.  It's terrifying

Great News!!!!  Was kinda worried you had been kidnapped by aliens or the witch's monkeys :)

  Hi Becca,

  I have been waiting to read how things have been for you with your move to the big city. This right here "It's only been a couple of days but it feels like I made the right decision." make my heart glad for you. It is truly good when you can have those feelings. The other things you have related also give me a smile to see the positivity in those things you did since leaving your old job. All are such confirming actions that show you are not only leaving the old job for a new one but you are leaving an old life and beginning a new one for and as yourself. And yes Hun, it is terrifying, but it is also wonderful. Another thing Becca, remember that when it does get difficult we here have your back. All you need do is is come talk with us. I'm here via PM or email or even a phone call should you need to talk. PM me and I'l provide my personal information to you if you  would like.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I was definately not kidnapped by witches or flying monkies.  But that sounds fun and amazing :)



i've thought about posting repeatedly over the past couple of weeks but I've been so psychologically exhausted I just couldn't. 

I am staying in corporate housing ( a hotel ) for a few weeks while I look for an apartment.  Until I get settled in my own place my life does still feel rather upended.  I feel a bit scared to leave the hotel presenting as a woman.  I'm not exactly passable. 

The funny thing is that most of my casual clothing now is women's clothing.  It's just jeans and ts and sweaters.  But without my wig and make up i look look an effeminate man.  In a lot of ways I'm completely comfortable being seen by people as a queer looking man.  But it's not how I feel inside, so even that is kind of frustrating. 

I don't feel like I can truely be comfortable out in the world until i've had FFS and top surgery.  Even when I'm wearing my wig and a skirt and a push up bra I feel incredibly self conscious, like i'm wearing a costume that people can see through.

Well Becca I will be watching once again to read about you becoming comfortable being out as yourself. For now Hun, take it one thing at a time. You have  good reason to take it slow in that area. On my whole road trip it was in that area that someone made a disparaging comment that was probably directed at me but I chose not to acknowledge it and find out for sure. Therefore I do not know it it was aimed at me or not so it wasn't. No where else on the whole moth's adventure did it happen again that I noticed. There is some truth to the saying that ignorance is bliss. Stay blissful Becca.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Becca Kay on February 14, 2018, 08:18:22 PM
I was definately not kidnapped by witches or flying monkies.  But that sounds fun and amazing :)



i've thought about posting repeatedly over the past couple of weeks but I've been so psychologically exhausted I just couldn't. 

I am staying in corporate housing ( a hotel ) for a few weeks while I look for an apartment.  Until I get settled in my own place my life does still feel rather upended.  I feel a bit scared to leave the hotel presenting as a woman.  I'm not exactly passable. 

The funny thing is that most of my casual clothing now is women's clothing.  It's just jeans and ts and sweaters.  But without my wig and make up i look look an effeminate man.  In a lot of ways I'm completely comfortable being seen by people as a queer looking man.  But it's not how I feel inside, so even that is kind of frustrating. 

I don't feel like I can truely be comfortable out in the world until i've had FFS and top surgery.  Even when I'm wearing my wig and a skirt and a push up bra I feel incredibly self conscious, like i'm wearing a costume that people can see through.

Glad you didn't get kidnapped but you were missed and glad you're back.

thanks for the good feels, girls! 


so I sent an email yesterday to Dr Spiegel's office and got a phone call back today.  I'm going to schedule a consult soon for FFS.  Once i have more to tell I'll post it here.

Good for you Becca. You are moving on in more ways than one aren't you?


Hugs,
   Laurie

I moved into my new tiny apartment this weekend.  It's sooooo small. But it's a brand new condo and very nice.  I really like the neighborhood.  So many great places to eat. 

Since I moved here two weeks ago I've not worn my wig or make up even once.  I'm so scared to.  I'm not used to living in such a crowded city.  Right before I moved I was getting very comfortable back at home presenting as myself.  But here I feeel sooo exposed. 

ugh. 

Nice wig. I'm wig shopping Wednesday and I'll see how I feel wearing it to work. I dress fem for work everyday now, started a week ago and no issues yet. I'll start next Monday with the wig I hope.

Quote from: Donna on February 25, 2018, 03:25:55 PM
Nice wig. I'm wig shopping Wednesday and I'll see how I feel wearing it to work. I dress fem for work everyday now, started a week ago and no issues yet. I'll start next Monday with the wig I hope.

that's wonderful.  good for you!

Becca I'm glad you found you a place to live. That's a very good thing, I can understand you being a bit nervous going out in that big city. Your not likely to find me living in one. You'll get used to it though and will be okay. Baby steps girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Last couple of days have been bad.  Dysphoria bad.  Like it's hard to even shave myself in the morning because I can't look at myself.  Going to work every morning as dead name is starting to wear me down again.    And since i moved i've spent all my free time alone.  I'm so lonely.

i've been using skype to talk to my therapist once a week.  it helps but it isn't quite the same. 

I talked to a local clinic last week about getting into one of their trans support groups and i'm still waiting to hear back.  i miss my trans friends from home.  I hat gotten very attached to some of them and to my old support group.  I didn't realize how much the group was helping me until I couldn't go anymore.

Classic case of homesickness. take 1 blue pill 3 times a day and call me next month.  That will be $150.00 please.

Quote from: Becca Kay on February 27, 2018, 08:00:29 PM
Last couple of days have been bad.  Dysphoria bad.  Like it's hard to even shave myself in the morning because I can't look at myself.  Going to work every morning as dead name is starting to wear me down again.    And since i moved i've spent all my free time alone.  I'm so lonely.

i've been using skype to talk to my therapist once a week.  it helps but it isn't quite the same. 

I talked to a local clinic last week about getting into one of their trans support groups and i'm still waiting to hear back.  i miss my trans friends from home.  I hat gotten very attached to some of them and to my old support group.  I didn't realize how much the group was helping me until I couldn't go anymore.

Mirrors are the worst. I wish I could shave via echolocation like Daredevil.

I remember you recently had like a couple weeks where you were yourself all the time. I'm not at the point where I can comfortably do that. Now whenever I need to leave my apartment I have to remove the clothes that make me happy and replace them with my dreary and boring black shirt and jeans and timberlands boy disguise and it bums me out to no end and my brain has trouble grasping why it needs to be done. I live in the greatest city in the world, NYC, the people here have seen it all. This shouldn't be an issue. I'm sure this feeling of discordance is even more pronounced for you.

I hope you get in that support group and meet a bunch of really nice people.

i got accepted into a support group.  I had to do a phone interview and sign a waiver and wait a week and a half for some reason.  And I was warned that everyone in the group is "significantly younger than me."  LOL.  It's been a month now since my last group back at home, before I moved.  I know that group will probably make me feel better.  But I'm nervous.  And scared.  I feel like I did last year when I first started coming out. 

The good thing is that the support group it's at a clinic very close to my house.  Without consciously planning it this way I somehow moved 1,000 away and ended up within walking distance to a Pride Center and a Queer Health care clinic.  Life is funny sometimes. 


I had to postpone until April my FFS consult with Dr Speigel due to a work schedule conflict.  I've also scheduled a consult with Zukowski in Chicago.  The more I think about doing this the more I think it would be better to do it back home in the midwest so I can rely on my family and friends to help me with recovery. 

I may be hanging out with my new boss next week a bit outside the office.  She seems to like me and I get along with her very well.  I think I'm going to come out to her and get her opinion about what my next step should be with coming out at work. 

i think i should give a bit of an HRT update, since this is an HRT thread.

i've gained 10 lbs since starting HRT.  besides my small but growing breasts the weight is all around my bottom and my upper thighs.  i've never had much of a butt... no butt really.  my legs literally ended where my lower back began.  If you met me today you'd probably think i had no butt now, but it's actually filled out. 

When i measure around my thighs they're several inches more in circumference than they were 6 months ago.  I can't wear my men's skinny jeans and pants anymore.  My women's skinny jeans still fit just fine.

My breasts have been sore since almost the beginning of HRT and they still are.  My nipples for several months were kind of numb.  But now they're super sensitive.  In a good way.  Like if i play with them it's rather arousing.  They've never felt like this before.  They're also a little bigger now.  I have small nipples to begin with, but they've gotten slightly larger, maybe 30%.   

Also my breasts are two different sizes.  LOL. The right one is almost twice the size of the left one. Once i put a bra on it's not noticeable, they are small.  I know this is something women deal with naturally.   But it kind of pisses me off. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on March 05, 2018, 09:31:35 PM
i think i should give a bit of an HRT update, since this is an HRT thread.

i've gained 10 lbs since starting HRT.  besides my small but growing breasts the weight is all around my bottom and my upper thighs.  i've never had much of a butt... no butt really.  my legs literally ended where my lower back began.  If you met me today you'd probably think i had no butt now, but it's actually filled out. 

When i measure around my thighs they're several inches more in circumference than they were 6 months ago.  I can't wear my men's skinny jeans and pants anymore.  My women's skinny jeans still fit just fine.

My breasts have been sore since almost the beginning of HRT and they still are.  My nipples for several months were kind of numb.  But now they're super sensitive.  In a good way.  Like if i play with them it's rather arousing.  They've never felt like this before.  They're also a little bigger now.  I have small nipples to begin with, but they've gotten slightly larger, maybe 30%.   

Also my breasts are two different sizes.  LOL. The right one is almost twice the size of the left one. Once i put a bra on it's not noticeable, they are small.  I know this is something women deal with naturally.   But it kind of pisses me off.

Give it time for the girls to catch up. They may never be exact but my left was significantly smaller and now they are close to the same   Doing chest exercises helps and I just worked on wall pushes with my left arm more and it's helped balance them out.

this is unexpected. 

i have lost a lot of hair on top of my head. While it's worst in the front i had a bald patch on the crown of my head, a one and a half inch diameter completely bald spot.  it's not bald anymore.  it's very thin, but not a completely bald patch like it has been for years.

little victories!

Quote from: Becca Kay on March 09, 2018, 06:54:30 PM
this is unexpected. 

i have lost a lot of hair on top of my head. While it's worst in the front i had a bald patch on the crown of my head, a one and a half inch diameter completely bald spot.  it's not bald anymore.  it's very thin, but not a completely bald patch like it has been for years.

little victories!

That's great!  I was thinking I was going a wee bit overtly happy because my bald spot seems to be getting some thin hairs.  I check out the hair growth stuff Ellie mentioned was at CostCo and will be getting some.  Hopefully, it along with the hair med and HRT I'll grow some back up there.  Mine, what I have, almost covers my really really cute ears :)

It's been a month since I moved.  I've started to look for a new therapist and it's starting to really get me down.  the hourly rates here are several times more (at least) than what i was paying at home.  I have seen the same therapist for 5+ years and the thought of having to start over with another one was already stressing me out.  But now the idea of paying so much makes me wonder whether i'll even be able to.

I went to the new support group this week.  I've only ever been to one trans group back at home.  I really liked it.  i made a bunch of friends right away and it helped pull me out of my depression.  The group i went to this week was half a dozen people.  the vibe was just different than what I am used to and it made me super anxious and nervous.  I ended talking too much and babbling and i talked over someone who was trying to share some heavy stuff. I feel like an idiot now.  I don't know if I can go back. 

Quote from: Cassi on March 09, 2018, 09:42:50 PM
That's great!  I was thinking I was going a wee bit overtly happy because my bald spot seems to be getting some thin hairs.  I check out the hair growth stuff Ellie mentioned was at CostCo and will be getting some.  Hopefully, it along with the hair med and HRT I'll grow some back up there.  Mine, what I have, almost covers my really really cute ears :)

it is exciting, even if it's just a little bit of regrowth!

i didn't expect my hair to regrow.  I think trans girls expect way too much in that dept.  I've been trying to temper my expectations so I don't get disappointed.  but now it does feel good.

Hey Becca. Don't sweat a couple slip ups at your meetings. I sure they understood you were new there and nervous. I know my mouth runs forever when I'm in unfamiliar surroundings.

i went to a different (new to me) support group tonight at the Pride Center.  it was a large group.  15-20 people.  It went well.  Plenty of good discussion, sharing, etc.  I didn't wear my wig or any make up. I decided I wasn't going to march into a new group all dolled up.  I'd start like I did back home with my last group, wearing my mostly feminine clothing and and just being ok with that. 

While there were many amazing young people (millennials) there I feel very self conscious being the old one in the group. 

I might go back to this group next month.  Overall it felt good.  The facilitator did a good job and everyone was very supportive and affirming. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on March 13, 2018, 09:13:48 PM
i went to a different (new to me) support group tonight at the Pride Center.  it was a large group.  15-20 people.  It went well.  Plenty of good discussion, sharing, etc.  I didn't wear my wig or any make up. I decided I wasn't going to march into a new group all dolled up.  I'd start like I did back home with my last group, wearing my mostly feminine clothing and and just being ok with that. 

While there were many amazing young people (millennials) there I feel very self conscious being the old one in the group. 

I might go back to this group next month.  Overall it felt good.  The facilitator did a good job and everyone was very supportive and affirming.

29 isn't old Bec.  Try push'n 65.

Quote from: Cassi on March 13, 2018, 10:32:55 PM
29 isn't old Bec.  Try push'n 65.

LOL

I am 47

i wish i was 29.  i never got to be a girl in her 20s

the other day I typed up a long post (too long, really) and I accidentally closed the browser and lost it.  So here's my attempt to post it again, but shorter.

My sense of taste and smell has noticeably changed since starting HRT.  I noticed first that certain things smelled differently.  Or maybe just smelled more... The most noticeable thing is men.  Men smell bad. Not just some guys who might have questionable grooming practices.  Most men.  It's strange.  I never noticed before how men smelled. But now I am constantly noticing it.  It's a combination of body odor and something I can't put my finger on.  Whatever it is I really don't like it. 

Thankfully I"m not really attracted to men so I don't have to suffer that close up.  LOL 

What I've noticed with my sense of taste is a little less dramatic.  But one thing that stands out is that I don't find beer all that tasty anymore.  I don't dislike it.  But it tastes different and it's not nearly as enjoyable.  I used to very much love hoppy beer but now that's the stuff that I've noticed my taste shift the most.  It's so bitter.  It's hard to drink.  At the same time I'm enjoying wine and some liquor much more enjoyable. 

It is interesting the smell thing. I notice a difference in the way I smell and the way perfume and deodorant smell on me. Haven't notice the other men or women smell or maybe not paid attention to it. I know my skin feels different and my sense of touch has changed. The little extra fat that is building under the skin makes a big difference. Ive noticed a difference in the way I react to cold as well.

Quote from: Donna on March 16, 2018, 08:17:44 PM
It is interesting the smell thing. I notice a difference in the way I smell and the way perfume and deodorant smell on me. Haven't notice the other men or women smell or maybe not paid attention to it. I know my skin feels different and my sense of touch has changed. The little extra fat that is building under the skin makes a big difference. Ive noticed a difference in the way I react to cold as well.

Yeah my body odor changed a week after starting HRT

I got my ears pierced yesterday!!!

Quote from: Becca Kay on March 17, 2018, 03:18:02 AM
I got my ears pierced yesterday!!!

Congrats!!!!!

Quote from: Becca Kay on March 17, 2018, 03:18:02 AM
I got my ears pierced yesterday!!!

I love my pierced ears and got my seconds done as a celebration of deciding to transition...now looking to pierce some other "bits". I am sure you will love "playing" with yours when you are able to change them.

I have to agree whole heartedly with you about the sence of smell and taste..mine has changed heaps and continues to refine...the changes from HRT are so many its easy toi overlook the more suble ones.

Take Care

Liz

Congrats on the piercings. Mine  are two weeks fresh and healing well. Can't wait to hang some jewelry my wife makes. Have fun with them after they heal up completely.

i came out to my boss today.  Sat down and had a conversation and explained my (trans) situation and let her know that eventually i'd be transitioning at work.  While i've only been working for her for a month I've known her for 20 years and worked with her years ago at an old employer. 

it was somewhat anti climatic.  My boss is super cool and supportive. 

While I'm not going to immediately present as female at work I feel like this combined with my upcoming consults for FFS finally have me on a path toward something that feels concrete.  I'm a process and goal oriented person and up until this point everything in my life has felt out of my control.

I'm so relieved.  Today was a good day.   

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 05, 2017, 08:05:13 PM
i have my letter from my therapist!  the only thing i'm not certain about is whether my insurance plan is going to cooperate.  My plan states that they cover transition surgery and mental health care related to gender dysphoria.   I tried calling to get more info regarding HRT, but over the phone my insurer told me I would need a "code" to determine whether the proceedure/service being billed for would be covered.  So I won't know for certain until the billing is submitted.

If you have a letter from a therapist, it should be pretty smooth.  I had my letter and I thought I would have to go through all these questions about my life and why I wanted to do this.  No, my Endo doctor just started talking to be like OK lets get you started.  She explained the health aspect (liver, clots) but it all went great.  She started me at a lower does because she wanted to see how my body handled the change.  Each week she would boost it up until my labs gave back high and then she dropped me back down a little and I was at the right level that I'm on now.

It will go well, I'm sure.  Good luck.

Julie

Quote from: Julie -2010 on March 19, 2018, 08:49:51 PM
If you have a letter from a therapist, it should be pretty smooth.  I had my letter and I thought I would have to go through all these questions about my life and why I wanted to do this.  No, my Endo doctor just started talking to be like OK lets get you started.  She explained the health aspect (liver, clots) but it all went great.  She started me at a lower does because she wanted to see how my body handled the change.  Each week she would boost it up until my labs gave back high and then she dropped me back down a little and I was at the right level that I'm on now.

It will go well, I'm sure.  Good luck.

Julie

thank you.  that was half a year ago.  I've been on HRT for almost 6 months.  Things are going well now. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on March 19, 2018, 08:42:07 PM
i came out to my boss today.  Sat down and had a conversation and explained my (trans) situation and let her know that eventually i'd be transitioning at work.  While i've only been working for her for a month I've known her for 20 years and worked with her years ago at an old employer. 

it was somewhat anti climatic.  My boss is super cool and supportive. 

While I'm not going to immediately present as female at work I feel like this combined with my upcoming consults for FFS finally have me on a path toward something that feels concrete.  I'm a process and goal oriented person and up until this point everything in my life has felt out of my control.

I'm so relieved.  Today was a good day.

That's great that work went well. It is a huge relief for you I'll bet.

i've been thinking a lot lately about dating.  I haven't been able to give this much thought for a long time.  Part of it was living with my Ex while we were divorcing.  We weren't getting along.  Part of it was simply fear and shame when I started to transition. But now my transition feels like it's at least (slowly) moving forward. I've been living on my own for almost two months and i've had a lot of time to think.   

More and more i wish i could go on a date. i miss having connections with people, mentally and physically.  But I don't know how to do that anymore.  How do you meet people when you're half transitioned?  When I was younger didn't have a problem getting dates with (straight) women.  I'm older now, though.  And i don't think i'll be dating straight women anymore. 

I'm worried that this is going to eat away at me.  It's already eating away at me.  I want to have a personal life that includes intimacy with others.  I don't know what to do.

I think Julia posted transgenders.com or something like that. 

Quote from: Cassi on March 24, 2018, 10:06:06 PM
I think Julia posted transgenders.com or something like that.

Do you mean "transgender.com"??   Transgender.com is a website for >-bleeped-<s and only offers the MTF option of dating men. I'm guessing that like a lot of sites out there making money off men there are hardly any actual trans women on it and most of the trans profiles are fake.

when thinking about dating I am a queer trans woman.  my sexual orientation is towards women, trans & non binary people.  I'm not interested in dating cis male >-bleeped-<s

Was 14 years DIY HRT, started on EV pills, then EV injectables all purchased online.
Recently got an actual USA Doctor to prescribe me the EV injectable based on my schedule of the weaker stuff.
34.55 with insurance at Walmart.
Zero issues other than strength loss so far after 14 years.
Def better with it than without.

Quote from: Becca Kay on March 25, 2018, 08:10:43 AM
 

Do you mean "transgender.com"??   Transgender.com is a website for >-bleeped-<s and only offers the MTF option of dating men. I'm guessing that like a lot of sites out there making money off men there are hardly any actual trans women on it and most of the trans profiles are fake.

when thinking about dating I am a queer trans woman.  my sexual orientation is towards women, trans & non binary people.  I'm not interested in dating cis male >-bleeped-<s

Becca congratulations on your progress! You've come sooo far, its just fantastic to see.  I'm kind of where you were, in a sense--still living with my wife and working on things, so yeah, emotionally its kind of hard to even think about dating. However, in your case, I think its really great that you are finally starting to feel that way again! I would think with everything you already have going on, you wouldn't want to over burden yourself with the emotional relationship aspect of dating (shot in the dark)? But maybe you could try one of the bigger dating websites and start by looking for women who are interested in trans girls but are looking more for say, emotional support and friendship. Maybe work that way towards something more serious, or who knows, maybe you, or someone, will just fall into your lap. I believe dating advice dot com offers suggestions for some of the best trans friendly dating sights, and match.com (though I haven't looked into this) was one of them.

Anyways, glad to see you're doing well in your new world (: Best of luck with everything forward.

Quote from: Becca Kay on March 25, 2018, 08:10:43 AM
 

Do you mean "transgender.com"??   Transgender.com is a website for >-bleeped-<s and only offers the MTF option of dating men. I'm guessing that like a lot of sites out there making money off men there are hardly any actual trans women on it and most of the trans profiles are fake.

when thinking about dating I am a queer trans woman.  my sexual orientation is towards women, trans & non binary people.  I'm not interested in dating cis male >-bleeped-<s

Possibly.  I have never checked it out.  I forget what thread it was but someone was asking about dating sites and I had commented that POF was one and it had the women looking for women option.  And I think it was Julia who mentioned the other site.  Like I said I mentioned it as offering help.  If I offended due to my ignorance of the site, I apologize as it wasn't my intent. 

Personally, I'm a Lesbian and have no interest in guys myself.

i had a phone consultation with Dr Zukowski today.  Scheduling it took about 3 weeks.  I had to send a plethora of horrible selfies.  Each of which was a horror to take. 

The phone call went well, I think.  Dr Z talks a mile a minute.  He called me 'hon' at least a dozen times.  Maybe two dozen.  I've never had a guy call me hon before.  LOL. 

When I started my transition last summer I don't think I understood what was really going on in my head.  I knew that the dysphoria was killing me. I realized I was trans. But I didn't really understand what exactly and how exactly my dysphoria was driving my anxiety and where it was centered.  I was trying to make sense of it in a context that I'd learned online and in the media.  The typical trans story...  A year ago I kept thinking that I had to transition in a certain way.  I had to do hormone replacement.  I had to get breast augmentation.  Then I had to get bottom surgery.  then if i was really crazy and out of my mind i'd go overboard and screw up my face up. 

It really really bothered me seeing so many trans girls, especially those half my age (god damn internet and youtube), who'd had no surgery at all, but looked like amazing petite young women, complete with delicate almond shaped girl faces.  If they could take hormones and look so perfect there must be something wrong with me.

I don't know if this makes any sense.  It's my own brain mess

Over the last 6-8 months though things changed.  I kind of slowly started to order and understand my feelings and my dysphoria.  HRT helped immensely. It straightened out my brain.  I also made some actual trans friends.  And I learned that there isn't a right way to transition.  I learned that some of the most feminine pre-op trans girls, girls that looked "perfect" to me without surgery, are wracked with dysphoria and pain and hurt.  More than I would ever know. 

What I learned about myself is that I don't (at least right now) care all that much about my gonads.  I don't hate my genitals. I'd much rather have been born with a wonderful functioning vagina.  And I really really want an orchiectomy.  But bottom surgery is the least of my worries.  What I've learned since last year is I cannot live with my face. 

My face, especially as i've gotten older and my hair has thinned, is like a cruel cruel joke.  It rides atop my shoulders and reminds me and everyone who sees me and meets me that I'm man.  It is the worst part of being me.  The worst of all my pain and anxiety and fear.  It hurts so much just to see my self.  I can't look at photos of myself.  Even with a wig and make up I can't see past it.  Or around it.  Every glance at my reflection feels like being punched in the gut. 

So I had this consult with Dr Z today.  And he spend half an hour listing the torture he'd inflict on my face with tools and scalpels and needles and god knows what else.  He quoted me a price that would otherwise buy me a very nice new car.  More money than i can afford.  And suddenly all I could think of was "how soon can I make this happen."  I was suddenly relieved.  Happy.  It was as if another piece of my trans transition puzzle just fell into place and a big mess of confusion melted away. 

I spoke to my mother today and she asked me "are you mentally prepared for this?"  And i was reminded of the conversation i had with her when I came out.  For some reason i had said to her "don't worry, i won't mutilate my face."  Why did I say that?  It was my internalized shame.  I'm beyond that now.  I let go of it.  Today i knew for sure that I want this and I'm not ashamed of it anymore. 

i feel like i'm slipping into a serious depression.  it's so overwhelming.  This feeling of being stuck between what i was and what i wish I was is awful. It feels like i'm always going to be stuck like this. And at the same time I am so completely alone.  I've never lived like this.  With no friends and no family.  I don't know if i can do it anymore.  I just want it to stop.

Sorry your down girl your really never alone when you have all of us. The ups and the downs can get to all of us. Check out if there is a local crisis line that you can reach out to. Having a live person to talk to might help especially when you are in a new location. Be strong we are all here for you.

Transitioning can be very lonely. I spent many nights a weekends just waiting for the time that I could make a call to my mother. Today you have other options that might help. Many of us can use Skype for video meet ups anywhere in the world. In my case I also have Face time and Discord but some use other methods of accomplishing this. Start by asking through PM and possibly some of us can help you with the lonely hours.

Hi Becca,

  I have skype also.  I also wanted to point out that there are some of Susan's members in the DC area. I unfortunately am no longer in that area but I was and met with several friends there. You might try fishing for meetups with some in your area. You might finds some friends.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on April 06, 2018, 12:17:44 AM
Hi Becca,

  I have skype also.  I also wanted to point out that there are some of Susan's members in the DC area. I unfortunately am no longer in that area but I was and met with several friends there. You might try fishing for meetups with some in your area. You might finds some friends.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I had brunch with on of the local girls two weeks ago. :)

so obviously i've had some bad days lately. I'm living alone and it's wearing me down.  some of it is having no friends and some of it is being "alone." 

I had a lousy relationship with my spouse when we broke up. But I still wished last year that I could have somehow kept my spouse and my home and not had to move.  My divorce continues to slowly unfold.  I think it will be finalized by early June. Maybe next month.  Last year it felt like my heart was being torn out, but now i just want to get on with my life.  We still have a relationship, but I don't quite understand what it is. It's still some weird version of the codependent mess we were in all those years. We talk regularly.  I'm still paying most of her bills.  She calls me or texts me every day. But she has NEVER uses my new name.  Friends and family tell me that she misgenders me to them.  I need this to be over.



I wish I could go on a date.  But now i don't know how.  When I was a "cis male" and younger it was really easy.  before i married I was kind of a man whore.  I had a lot of (straight) girlfriends. A LOT.  I was never alone.  I've tried to sign up for dating apps.  But i have hardly any photos of myself that I can tolerate showing to people.  And I feel like the way I present right now that I'm some kind of mess. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on April 07, 2018, 09:37:33 AM
so obviously i've had some bad days lately. I'm living alone and it's wearing me down.  some of it is having no friends and some of it is being "alone." 

I had a lousy relationship with my spouse when we broke up. But I still wished last year that I could have somehow kept my spouse and my home and not had to move.  My divorce continues to slowly unfold.  I think it will be finalized by early June. Maybe next month.  Last year it felt like my heart was being torn out, but now i just want to get on with my life.  We still have a relationship, but I don't quite understand what it is. It's still some weird version of the codependent mess we were in all those years. We talk regularly.  I'm still paying most of her bills.  She calls me or texts me every day. But she has NEVER uses my new name.  Friends and family tell me that she misgenders me to them.  I need this to be over.

I wish I could go on a date.  But now i don't know how.  When I was a "cis male" and younger it was really easy.  before i married I was kind of a man whore.  I had a lot of (straight) girlfriends. A LOT.  I was never alone.  I've tried to sign up for dating apps.  But i have hardly any photos of myself that I can tolerate showing to people.  And I feel like the way I present right now that I'm some kind of mess.

@ Becca Kay:  Hang in there.  You don't have to read too deeply here on the Forums to find out that you are NOT ALONE with the feelings and happenings that you have described that you are experiencing. 

Even though I have 3+ years of HRT that have resulted in significant body changes and I have been successfully living full time for a year and a half.... I could write a book or two about my disappointments, my family issues, lost friendships, etc... but I also would now include the many successes that have come my way.... but it takes time and patience to get through the gauntlet of HRT, transitioning, trying to rebuild family and friend relationships, forming new friends and relationships, employment changes, Photo ID changes, etc, etc.

Transitioning takes lots of patience, usually nothing with transitioning and HRT happens very quickly, at least not as quickly as we all desire.   Human nature tells us that "We want it all and we want it now"

Might I suggest that you start your own private and personal journey where you can write down your thoughts, your goals, your successes, your disappointment and your failures.   This can be a good exercise and good therapy for any of us in helping us to clear our our mind and to think more clearly.

Wishing you well.... and again, hang in there... and keep us updated as you feel comfortable doing.
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on April 07, 2018, 10:15:42 AM
@ Becca Kay:  Hang in there.  You don't have to read too deeply here on the Forums to find out that you are NOT ALONE with the feelings and happenings that you have described that you are experiencing. 

Even though I have 3+ years of HRT that have resulted in significant body changes and I have been successfully living full time for a year and a half.... I could write a book or two about my disappointments, my family issues, lost friendships, etc... but I also would now include the many successes that have come my way.... but it takes time and patience to get through the gauntlet of HRT, transitioning, trying to rebuild family and friend relationships, forming new friends and relationships, employment changes, Photo ID changes, etc, etc.

Transitioning takes lots of patience, usually nothing with transitioning and HRT happens very quickly, at least not as quickly as we all desire.   Human nature tells us that "We want it all and we want it now"

Might I suggest that you start your own private and personal journey where you can write down your thoughts, your goals, your successes, your disappointment and your failures.   This can be a good exercise and good therapy for any of us in helping us to clear our our mind and to think more clearly.

Wishing you well.... and again, hang in there... and keep us updated as you feel comfortable doing.
Danielle

thank you! 

i've tried repeatedly to journal and it's just not something that I'm able to do.  This thread is as close as i've gotten.  LOL

A few updates since my last post.

I'm finally eligible for my new Health plan and I'm going to use a local LGBTQ clinic for primary care.  I'm a little nervous because my first appointment is in two weeks and My current HRT prescription will run out the following week.  The last time I saw my Endo (back home) was last year.  I'm going on seven months since I started HRT and i'm still on a low dose of E and relatively low does of Spiro. My Endo hadn't take an blood panel since last October and I've worried for some time that I should probably be on much higher doses of both. 

Last week I got my quote from Dr Z for FFS.  It was a tad higher than I thought. It's quite a list of procedures.  It's been almost all I've been able to think about.

Today I had a Consultation with Dr Spiegel.  His suggestions were similar to Dr Zs.  But he didn't suggest quite as many procedures.  He said for instance that my cheek bones were ideal, while Dr Z suggeted cheek implants.  Spiegel would do a type III forehead procedure, which freaks me out.  Dr Z would do brow bossing only and I'd have a much much smaller scar at my hairline.  Both of them suggested jaw shaving/reduction.  Dr Z wants to do a neck lift while Spiegel says all i need is a bit of Lipo under my chin. I'll have a quote from Spiegel tomorrow.  I'm expecting it to be significantly higher than Dr. Z despite it being less total work.  Dr Z is close to my family so I could recover at my sister's house.  If I went to Spiegel I'd end up coming back to DC and doing the second and third week of my recovery alone.


I had my fifth laser session on my face two days ago.  I've been really upset at the lack of progress after my last session.  It didn't seem to reduce my facial hair at all.  I have a very noticeable shadow still that I can see even when I wear make-up. This session was the most painful so far.  Each session they increase the strength of the laser.  This time I was crying.  Not just a sniffle either.  The nurse seemed to feel really bad about it too.  Which is weird since she does it all day and must get plenty of criers. 

i'm so <not alowed> lonely :(

What's up Becca

Quote from: Becca Kay on April 19, 2018, 08:46:55 PM
i'm so <not allowed> lonely :(

Is everything ok?

Enviado de meu Moto G (5) Plus usando Tapatalk

I'm sorry for the sad post.  I have a bunch of things going well for me right now.  but my depression and dysphoria seems to rule my life.

I scheduled my FFS surgery with Dr Z.  I can't believe this is happening.  It's like a fulfillment of wish i've had since puberty when my body went icky.  Making the decision and putting it on my calendar felt amazing. 

My employer is on board with me transitioning.  I had a meeting with our VP today and it went well.  She was so supportive and actually congratulated me. She promised to help me with time off or whatever support I needed. In September I'll take my vacation and when I return <dead name> will be gone for good. 

On the one hand I'm ecstatic about this. But I come home every day to an empty apartment and I sit here alone. And I keep thinking that i'll go through this transition and live the rest of my life alone. 


Something else that's been driving me nuts is how people react to me.  Everyone I meet who doesn't know me reads me as a gay man.  That's always been the case with gay men.  When I was younger my gay friends would lecture me that I was a closet case.  But now straight people do it.  I just had a drink at a bar and started up a conversation with a woman who assumed I was a gay man.  This happens over and over and over.  People don't read me as feminine.  They read me male/gay.  And it's wearing me down. 

That's going to take time to get gendered right. We all have tells that give us away. Until we control them we are vulnerable to discovery. Mine are my way of walking , slouching and of course my voice. Give it time and you will overcome those.
Great news about the surgery and work being supportive. I have come to learn lately how many true friends I have and how many more care that I never expected it from. Give it time, your in a new place and need time to establish yourself
Best wishes and good luck with the surgery

Becca I am sorry to hear you are lonely, and the way some people interact or react rudely - that can be so painful.  But you do have many great things to look forward to.  I know it's difficult to be patient, but before you know it that day you just marked on your calendar will be here with a new start to your future. 

I would like to blame my loneliness on my dysphoria and being trans.  But i'm alone because I had to pursue a job and I moved where I had no friends or family.  I'm not married anymore partly because of my dysphoria, but there were other things that contributed to the end of my marriage. 

The next two years of my life are going to be consumed by transitioning and surgeries and recovering and I keep thinking how hard it's going to be to spend every night alone from now on. I wish that I had just a little bit of support around me.

I found a new therapist last week which I hope helps.  Since moving I've had a few phone conversations with my old therapist back home.  Two nights ago i called her for the last time and it was incredibly difficult.  It was like saying good bye to yet another important person in my life.

I'm having a great week!

i had a meeting at work with the VP I work under.  She is very supportive of me transitioning at work.  She's talked to our senior leadership and HR and says I'm free to transition as soon as I want and that they'll support me.  She told me i didn't have to wait 5 more months until after my surgery.  I have to meet with the chair of our LGBTQ committee soon to discuss it. I'm kind of nervous about it, but very relieved.

My mother and oldest sister are visiting this week, which is nice.  They're being supportive of me.  After spending most of the last two months alone it's really nice hearing people I love using my correct name. 

I had a meeting with my new health care provider.  I now use the Whitman-Walker clinic in D.C. It's one of the oldest LGBTQ health care organizations in the country. It's been amazing going there for health care after my experiences back in the midwest.  They gender me correctly and go out of their way to make me comfortable.  I had a long conversation with my new doctor about my HRT regime and had the obligatory blood panel.  The result this week was upping my estradiol script.  It turns out my E levels were pretty good, despite my modest dosage, and my T levels were very low, also despite a relatively low dose of Spiro.  So I don't have to take a higher dosage of Spiro. 

spent the last several days with my visiting mother and sister.  My sister has been wonderful to me since I came out.  In some ways we're closer than we were before I came out.  She's going to go with me and stay with me during my FFS surgery later this year.  My mother has seemed to handle my transition reasonably well.  She uses my new name and has reacted positively to my transition so far.

But my mom continues to refer to me with he/him pronouns.  I've corrected her repeatedly.  But she keeps doing it.  The last day she was here we were on an afternoon bus tour of some of the monuments here and she introduced herself (and my sister and I) by saying "I'm here with my kids...mother, daughter, son."  I was standing right next to her, my nails painted, lipstick on, breasts very noticeable, and a great big trans flag pin.  I'm not exactly passable at all, but most younger people I meet either assume i'm a very femme gay man or they get that i'm trans.  The tour guide just kind of shook his head up and down when she said that and he looked at me with this look on his face like "oh wow i'm so sorry she's doing this."

ugh

I love my mother, but I think she's using the fact that she's old and in poor health to somehow get away with misgendering me.

That's unfortunate about your mom Becca. Hard to deal with when it is someone that is so very close. The odd slip but no effort at all can be frustrating.
Maybe with time she will come around. Thank fully you have the full support of your sister.

Update!  I bought new hair today!  I like it.  It was fun!

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi65.tinypic.com%2Fa3l109.jpg&hash=1b85063b728daa189bd74504c0be91ee6f63c58b)

Very cute girl and hair love the lenght of it

Wow Becca - you look great!

  I agree with all the others Becca. The new hair looks  FAB !!. I also love the smile.

That one is about my color. Can you send it to me so I can see how I look in it?

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2018, 04:21:35 PM
  I agree with all the others Becca. The new hair looks  FAB !!. I also love the smile.

That one is about my color. Can you send it to me so I can see how I look in it?

Hugs,
  Laurie

sorry this ain't leaving my head except to bathe and sleep!  maybe not then either.  LOL

This is the only pic I can find from the past couple years. I deleted a LOT of pics of me pre HRT. It's a little blurry and dark.  This is one year ago.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi68.tinypic.com%2F16j4lt.jpg&hash=c37d8e9f0d13dcb8348bb43a3d60df9a0c64cb6d) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi65.tinypic.com%2Fa3l109.jpg&hash=1b85063b728daa189bd74504c0be91ee6f63c58b)

OMG, amazing change!

What an amazing difference girl.

Quote from: Becca Kay on May 08, 2018, 01:49:15 PM
This is the only pic I can find from the past couple years. I deleted a LOT of pics of me pre HRT. It's a little blurry and dark.  This is one year ago.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi68.tinypic.com%2F16j4lt.jpg&hash=c37d8e9f0d13dcb8348bb43a3d60df9a0c64cb6d) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi65.tinypic.com%2Fa3l109.jpg&hash=1b85063b728daa189bd74504c0be91ee6f63c58b)

@Becca Kay     In those 2 pictures, it can't be the same person!!!!   
You look great as the new you Becca Kay, and your exciting transition journey as you continue with HRT will be filled with more excitement and even more significant and welcome body changes.   
Please continue to keep us all updated.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

i do not miss that beard.  it was like a mask. it was very very thick.  my male friends were always amazed how quickly I could grow a beard. laser/electrolysis has been such a gift. 

I spent this morning looking at some pics of myself from the past decade or two.  And one thing i've already forgotten is how awful my complexion was.  Oily and blotchy.  I also have seborrheic dermatitis and it was at times really bad on my face and chest.  Since HRT I'm nolonger getting breakouts on my body and my face is nearly completely clear.

 

So I've had my new wig for a while.  I've worn it maybe 5 days since buying it.  It looked amazing when I left the salon.  Now it's a mess.  Tonight I spent two hours screwing around with it and watching Youtube videos and trying to figure out how to restyle it so I looks something like it did when I left the wig shop.  It's such a mess that now i just look like a messy hippy guy when I put it on.

This is so incredibly frustrating.  I spent the last hour crying.  I don't know what to do with it.  I can't leave my house looking like this.  :(

I'm taking mine in to a salon and they are going to try to do something with it. My wife and I have nick named it rat if that gives you any idea how bad it is and it's 2 months old.
My other two wigs are better quality and it shows in the looks. 
I'm waiting for the name of an excellent wig company out of Europe, I will pass it on when I get it.

A wig shop should be willing to teach you how to care for your wig. They should also have some products that will make the task easer and will help extend the life of the wig. Go back to them and ask for help.

Lol. I did go back and they were not helpful.  I have wig shampoo and wig conditioner and a wig rake and I pick knots out all the time. Norikon is the manufacturer out of France with the good rep for quality wigs. We talked about it at lunch and looked at some styles and then out of the blue my wife announced she had ordered it for me. Of course I have to deposit the money in her account for it but I don't mind as long as she is getting involved. She ordered me 5 tops and two pants last well and I love her fashion sense and the colors she pics. I never would pick coolers like that but damn I sure like wearing them.

so I've just started pulling it into a side pony till i get it figured out.  I got lots of advice from my Cis-Het girl friends.  And after posting on FB that I had a break down over it my ex wife emailed me with some advice. 

the drama continues!

this is supposed to be an HRT thread.  So here are some HRT thoughts... at least I think they are.

Over the past few weeks I've felt over and over a really intense desire to have penetrative vaginal sex.  And when I say that I mean that I want to be penetrated.  I used to fantasize about it (pre HRT) but it was usually a short thought that occurred only when I masturbated.  Now it's something i think about a lot.  I want to know what that feels like. I imagine it all the time.  But it's not like the sexual thoughts I got pre HRT, which were kind of crude and more like focusing on getting off.  It's more like a intense desire.  And when I catch myself thinking about it I usually then realize that I don't have a vagina and it just breaks my heart. 

it so weird.  I didn't think bottom surgery was that big of a deal to me.  I used to think i'd be fine with having a penis and being a girl.  I was just kind of "meh" about it.

It's kind of mind <not allowed>.   Which leads me to thinking a LOT lately about bottom surgery. 

<Moderator edit - TOS 11>

Becca, i wonder just how many of us do the same thing. I didnt want make up, dresses,long hair etc. Now i have it all and swore i didnt want bottom surgery. The nuts are going away this summer and that was going to be enough. Now my E has been increased and a zero depth vaginoplasty sounded right---- but?
Where to next no one knows, especially not me.

Updates....

i am about 6 weeks away from transitioning at work, at which Point I'll be socially transitioned.  Or whatever it means when I don't dress up like a guy anymore.  My employer is being very supportive.  i'll post more about it next month when the big day comes. 

The court date for my divorce is a week away.  I'm waiting to submit my name and gender designation change right after the divorce is final. 

I'm about 3 and a half months away from FFS.  Every time I look in the mirror I want it to be the last time i see this face.  Another milestone or step or whatever that doesn't seem to get here soon enough.

At this point these impending changes in my life are like a nervous itch that I cannot scratch.  I want to get on with it.  But I'm just sitting here ticking the days away until I can move ahead. 


My last Laser session was 8 weeks ago.  It seems to have been the most effective so far.  After the shedding stopped I was amazingly free of whiskers for a month and a half.  I had no 'shaddow' at all for 5 more weeks.  It was amazing and way beyond the hair loss from my previous 4 sessions.  Since then i've had several Elecrolysis sessions to get at the blonde hair.  Typically I'd see hair regrowth about 4 weeks after each laser session.  This time i was starting to think that nearly 2 months after I may have lost MOST of my facial hair.  Then over the past 4 days my dark hair reappeared around my upper lip. 

This feels like an evil trick.  I got ready this morning to go to the salon and just cried and cried because I could see it through my make-up.  A week ago I was considering cancelling my next laser session.  Wishful thinking :( 



I'm not noticing anything new in terms of my HRT experience.  At least I don't think I am.  my breasts are still sore to the touch.  My bust measurement isn't any greater than it was two months ago.  But my breasts seem to have filled out quite a bit more. They're starting to look like actual breasts.  I'm very happy about them.  They're my pride and joy  :D

While I don't think that my body looks much different than it did 6 months ago there are subtle differences.  I've lost some mass from my upper arms and shoulders.  And I've gained a bit of mass around my upper thighs and from my hips up to just below my my waist (above my navel).  When i wear men's clothing nobody meeting me would know I've been on HRT for 9 months.  You'd have to see the before and after, and even then, with the exception of my breasts and hair reduction, I don't think there's much to notice really. 

Thanks for the update. Very nice but sorry to hear about the pesky hair. My wife bought me a one year unlimited laser package and I'll make my first appointment tomorrow. Great deal on group-on. This salon has the newest latest machines and an incredible rating locally. I've talked to other trans ladies going to her and they are all thrilled.
Keep on going. You will love being completely out.

it's been a while since i posted.  more than a month. 

i've had many good things happen.  My divorce was finalized last month.  And i transitioned at work, which was much more profound than I had anticipated.

I cannot even express how different i've felt these last days now that i don't have to put on the boy uniform for work.  Everyone at work is so amazingly supportive and even protective of me. 

Also, here are some before and after pics



(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi64.tinypic.com%2F2z40k8y.jpg&hash=b27d5a879f4f09e9a1535a97c76e5de9759e41bc)  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi66.tinypic.com%2F2vs110h.jpg&hash=7f952d73fa775a4116947208ad3457fc9ea91f1f)

Wow Becca this great!  It's awesome to hear of workplaces that are truly supportive.  And you look really happy. 

Becca you look fabulous!!

Quote from: Becca Kay on July 06, 2018, 10:15:18 PM
it's been a while since i posted.  more than a month. 

i've had many good things happen.  My divorce was finalized last month.  And i transitioned at work, which was much more profound than I had anticipated.

I cannot even express how different i've felt these last days now that i don't have to put on the boy uniform for work.  Everyone at work is so amazingly supportive and even protective of me. 

Also, here are some before and after pics

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi64.tinypic.com%2F2z40k8y.jpg&hash=b27d5a879f4f09e9a1535a97c76e5de9759e41bc)  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi66.tinypic.com%2F2vs110h.jpg&hash=7f952d73fa775a4116947208ad3457fc9ea91f1f)

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca Kay....
...Wow wheee....
and your before and after pics are most certainly dramatic...
You look absolutely wonderful, no wonder everyone at your work is so supportive... and even protective!!!!! 
Kudos to you for coming our at your work.

Thank you for sharing and letting your followers and readers rejoice with you in your transition journey.
Please keep your thread alive with more updates as you feel comfortable posting them....

****... but "we" don't want to wait for an entire month or more for another update from you..... please.
Hugs & Well Wishes,
Danielle

Well done Becca. It is such a great feeling to finally come out fully. It's great it went so well for yo at work and you look great. Very nice dress as well, you rock it girl

Other things that have been going on with me.....

I legally changed my gender on my Drivers License and my photo now looks like me.  But my legal name change won't happen until the end of August. 

My employer let me change my name at work and my work ID has an updated pic and uses my new name. 


I got my first mani pedi today.  i've been doing my own nails for the past 9 months with mixed results.  From now on someone else is doing it for me!!

I didn't think i wanted to wear dresses.  I thought a year ago that I preferred to dress a little bit 'butch', which makes me look like a guy.  But I found this year as I starting living as myself that I'd rather wear skirts and dresses.  It's more comfortable and it also makes my gender presentation much more obvious.   

I wear a wig every day now.  I have expensive human hair wigs that when styled properly look really nice.  Many people are surprised to learn it's not my real hair.  My shoulder length wig is my go to for work and it's very comfortable too. But i"m still frustrated with styling my hair. It takes a lot of styling to keep it presentable and Summers in DC are very hot and humid and a nightmare for hair. 

despite always looking like I do in the pic above and having an androgynous voice i still get sir'd occasionally.  It's ALWAYS men who do it.    I'm never quite sure why.  Are they clocking me as trans and then siring me by mistake because it's in their head and they're screwing up?  Or are they just mean and cruel?  Yesterday while running errands I had two different men at two different stores call me sir. 

I've talked about this before ( I think) in this thread.... A huge part of what I was missing in my life before transition was actually relationships with women.  All my friends that I spend time with now are women.  Mostly cis straight women.  Women have been overwhelmingly kind to me since I started transition.  I never thought I would make new female friends who would accept me for who I am and treat me as their peer, but it's happening.  I have conversations regularly with my female friends that i NEVER before had with male friends, even men I've known my entire life.

With misgendering I find it's about even men and women. I will correct them gently unless some firmer action is required. Even in a dress and living fully female they just hear the voice so I will quilt trip them with my thyroid scar. Typically that all it takes but the phone is the worse.
Not racial or biased  in any way but the highest percentage of miss genders are from "new Canadians". Don't know why that is just several of the ladies I know have said and noticed the same thing.

Quote from: Becca Kay on July 08, 2018, 05:20:04 PM
I've talked about this before ( I think) in this thread.... A huge part of what I was missing in my life before transition was actually relationships with women.  All my friends that I spend time with now are women.  Mostly cis straight women.  Women have been overwhelmingly kind to me since I started transition.  I never thought I would make new female friends who would accept me for who I am and treat me as their peer, but it's happening.  I have conversations regularly with my female friends that i NEVER before had with male friends, even men I've known my entire life.

Congratulations Becca I can see you are so happy! That's what its all about. isn't it? Not only dressing female but more relevantly being perceived as female and other females wanting you in their female conversations.

Fantastic news!

Hugs

Pamela

I'm 9 weeks away from FFS.  All the arrangements are made.  flights booked.  hotel booked.  have an in person meeting with Dr Z next week. 

I thought I would be nervous about this.  that as the date got closer I would feel anxiety.  I keep waiting for the anxiety and second thoughts to kick in but it doesn't happen.  I'm having a very aggressive surgery and I ought to feel a little bit anxious about it but I seem to get happier about it the loser I get to the surgery date.

Good luck sweetie. That has to be so amazing being so close. Have a safe trip and a wonderful experiance and keep us informed. Love you girl and be safe

I met with Dr Z on Friday to discuss my surgery.  We decided against cheek implants.  But everything else is still on the plan:

Scalp advancement
Brow Lift
Brow, Forehead, Orbital rim contouring
rhinoplasty/septoplasty
upper lip reduction
chin contouring, bone and soft tissue
jaw reduction, masseter muscle reduction
tracheal shave
neck lift
fat grafting (lips, cheeks, temples, etc)

my only worries about the surgery itself is pain management afterwards.  And also possible nerve damage/numbness
.


I've spoken to half a dozen of Dr Z's past clients before making my final decision.  And i was impressed that everyone was satisfied with his work.  He also has a record of doing revisions without charge. 

My surgery date is Sept 20.  I'll be in Chicago for 8 days.  I'll be off work for a about a month. 

Hi @Becca Kay

Wow you won't know yourself after all that. Good luck with the surgery in September, I am sure you will get great results.


I have had many facial surgeries along with a fair bit of pain management experience and more recently hair implants and rhinoplasty. I found with the rhinoplasty that it was about 2 months before I had total sensation and about 12 for my scalp. I am not sure how that relates to what you are having done.

I found that with pain management the key was to keep on top of the pain and by that I mean, by the time you are saying "whoa I am so sore I really need to some meds" its too late you are now "chasing" the pain which is far more difficult to get relief from. You are better off taking your meds at regular intervals before the pain gets bad. The body is far better at helping to prevent pain than it is stopping it once it has already taken a hold.....take meds as prescribed and don't be afraid to ask for more if you are not comfortable. There is no reason you should be in prolonged pain.


Take care

Liz 

Quote from: ElizabethK on August 01, 2018, 06:06:14 PM
Hi @Becca Kay

Wow you won't know yourself after all that. Good luck with the surgery in September, I am sure you will get great results.


I have had many facial surgeries along with a fair bit of pain management experience and more recently hair implants and rhinoplasty. I found with the rhinoplasty that it was about 2 months before I had total sensation and about 12 for my scalp. I am not sure how that relates to what you are having done.

I found that with pain management the key was to keep on top of the pain and by that I mean, by the time you are saying "whoa I am so sore I really need to some meds" its too late you are now "chasing" the pain which is far more difficult to get relief from. You are better off taking your meds at regular intervals before the pain gets bad. The body is far better at helping to prevent pain than it is stopping it once it has already taken a hold.....take meds as prescribed and don't be afraid to ask for more if you are not comfortable. There is no reason you should be in prolonged pain.


Take care

Liz

thanks, Liz. 

Dr Z said he typically prescribes Tramadol for pain management immediately following surgery.  I have a lot of experience with Tramadol and I don't think it is strong enough for me.  I will have to insist on something stronger. 

One of the things my pain management clinic is insistent upon is Panadol with narcotics to help boost effectiveness...up to 40%. I always combine when taking breakthrough meds. Most Drs seem to be open to requests for better pain management, if you explain your experience of Tramadol to him maybe he will be open to using something more effective.

Take care

Liz

Since starting HRT i've had a very low sex drive.  For the first six months i would describe it as non existent.  Over the last 4 months or so a bit of my sex drive has come back.  It's quite a bit different.  It feels different physically and mentally.  And I like it.

What I don't like is painful erections.  I only get real erections now when I decide to have one.  Which isn't all that often, but when I do its really painful. 

I've poked around on the forums and online and read that this is probably caused by atrophy from lack of use.  And I can't believe this is something that happens.  It makes me angry.  I don't want to live the rest of my life with this thing, but I do want to use it occasionally and being in pain kind of makes sex not fun.

Quote from: LizK on August 01, 2018, 07:57:55 PM
One of the things my pain management clinic is insistent upon is Panadol with narcotics to help boost effectiveness...up to 40%. I always combine when taking breakthrough meds. Most Drs seem to be open to requests for better pain management, if you explain your experience of Tramadol to him maybe he will be open to using something more effective.

Take care

Liz

Thanks, i've discussed this Dr Z and we're going to plan for a different course of meds for post op pai management.  I'm actualiy shocked that tramadol is his standard drug for pain management after and 8 hour very aggressive surgery.  In contrast I have a friend who had to have some reconstructive surgery on his jaw.  It was far less than what I am getting done.  He had pain meds administered via IV for the first 24 hrs. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on August 19, 2018, 12:24:26 AM
Since starting HRT i've had a very low sex drive.  For the first six months i would describe it as non existent.  Over the last 4 months or so a bit of my sex drive has come back.  It's quite a bit different.  It feels different physically and mentally.  And I like it.

What I don't like is painful erections.  I only get real erections now when I decide to have one.  Which isn't all that often, but when I do its really painful. 

I've poked around on the forums and online and read that this is probably caused by atrophy from lack of use.  And I can't believe this is something that happens.  It makes me angry.  I don't want to live the rest of my life with this thing, but I do want to use it occasionally and being in pain kind of makes sex not fun.

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca Kay
Hmm, I find what you stated about painful erections interesting. 

In my own personal experience I found it just about impossible to have an erection after just 5 or 6 months of HRT... and if I did get an erection is was a "soft" erection, NOT PAINFUL, very little climax and ejaculation... just a dab of clear fluid. As I approached the 1 year mark of HRT, no erections whatsoever, erections were nothing but a distant memory, which was just fine with me, I did not desire to initiate sex as a male once I started to transition. 

I would strongly suggest to you that you discuss this all with your doctor, I can't imagine why your erections would be painful... and in my case, I never did have any erections after ONE YEAR of HRT.   Obviously there was no pain because there was nothing happening down there.

Sorry you are having this problem.
Again, I think that you should talk to your doctor.

Thanks for your update on your HRT thread.
Hugs,
Danielle

I'm 2 weeks from FFS!  I have to stop HRT this week.  Its really freaking me out.  In the mean time my life is kind of good right now.  I took some pics this week.

While i like how I look in my wigs I really don't like wearing them.  both of them don't fit me the way they would someone who doesn't have a big man head.  They don't quite cover my hairline, so I have to be very specific in how I style them.  It's frustrating.  They were really expensive.  If i want one that fits perfectly I'll have to have one custom made. 

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi65.tinypic.com%2F2e2328o.jpg&hash=16aa5e6d81cc575d1b0d74d3d23cc55059b14820)  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi66.tinypic.com%2F2jrs3.jpg&hash=f253358fcf6c668150fa5759fcbdb2a1d1a72752)

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
This is very exciting news regarding your upcoming FFS in just 2 weeks... I am very happy for you.

I have to tell you, your posted pictures look very, very nice....
... it will definitely be exciting to see the results of your FFS after taking the necessary time to get healed up.... 
In the mean time, please continue to keep your thread updated so all of your followers will know how your life is going before and after your surgery.

Wishing you well as always,
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

sorry for all the selfies but I'm super happy! And I've been taking a bunch to remember this face before it's gone! LOL 

13 days till FFS. 

I will have FFS on the Sept 20.  My name change becomes official Oct 5.  I'll Celebrate 1 yr on HRT Oct 18.  I actually had to go back to the beginning of this thread to check my HRT date. 

It's crazy how scared and hesitant I was a year ago.  It felt like my life was falling apart but it was really just starting.

I'm dating again.  I am openly queer and pansexual and poly and everything about that simply feels real and natural in a way that I've never felt before.  Dating as openly trans is kind of a cluster on dating apps.  But I'm slowly meeting really cool people and having fun.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi68.tinypic.com%2F29bf5gi.jpg&hash=7a9aa401b0112b0f8a1777e329811b7919a28fce)

Dear Becca:
Nothing to be sorry for...your selfies are wonderful and you have every right to be very excited

Your. FFS, official name change and your ONE YEAR HRT anniversary and more!!!!  Very exciting times ahead for you and all of your followers will be following your life events with great interest.
Hugs,
Danielle

4 days till FFS.  I've been off HRT for 10 days.  It has not been fun.  I'm waking up with erections.  Getting mild erections during the day.  I can't wear some of my clothing, like my skinny jeans, because of this.  In fact, my penis, which had become quite small, seems to be back to it's old Pre HRT "resting" size.  I almost always tuck.  And for the last few days I haven't been able to because of it's boyish behavior.  I am not huge down there, but it's well above average and I'd forgotten what a frustrating appendage it is

I'm kind of surprised how quickly this occurred.  Last month my E levels were less than 3.  Barely measurable.  Too low.  I was told it would take weeks for it to rebound if I went off HRT. 

Prior to HRT I had a lot of OCD and Attention deficit issues.  Over the past few days I'm noticing some of that return.  I'm having difficulty concentrating. 

In 8 more days I go back on HRT!! 

I think I'm going to start an FFS thread to document the next few months.  I'll probably cross post a bit between that and this thread.

Here's one last pre FFS pic from my work commute on Friday

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi64.tinypic.com%2Fiz6sut.jpg&hash=4cf88698088efeca36a2ba3945fffb21de802684)

OH wow almost there

I have been reading along with your posts,  lurking, as you have ben counting down, I hope the surgery goes with out a hitch and is everything you wanted and more.

Hope your recovery is without issue nor complication.

Take care

Liz

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
Your special day is just around the corner... this is all very exciting for your followers to have a front row seat and hearing about your experiences ....  we are all eager to follow your right into the operating room and then your recovery..... as long as you feel comfortable posting.

Thank you for keeping us all updated.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

I may post a quick update tomorrow night after my pre op meeitng with Dr Z.  I won't be out of recovery on Thursday until 9pm.  I don't expect to be using my laptop again for several days.  I've asked my sister to take pics, however unflatering they may be, during the 72 hours post op.  By next week I ought to be able to post updates.

However, I'll probably put them in my FFS Thread in the FFS Forum.

having been off HRT for almost two weeks I can say there's a very noticeable difference in the number of trips to the bathroom. 

Once my face is done the next step is to get off Spiro for good.... :)

Quote from: Becca Kay on September 18, 2018, 09:39:27 PM
I may post a quick update tomorrow night after my pre op meeitng with Dr Z.  I won't be out of recovery on Thursday until 9pm.  I don't expect to be using my laptop again for several days.  I've asked my sister to take pics, however unflatering they may be, during the 72 hours post op.  By next week I ought to be able to post updates.

However, I'll probably put them in my FFS Thread in the FFS Forum.

@Becca
Dear Becca:
Great, I will be eagerly looking for your updates on your threads or wherever you care to post them on the various threads throughout the forums.
However, PLEASE, only post updates and photos if and when you feel comfortable doing so.

Thanks for posting and replying.
Hugs,
Danielle

i've posted updates in my FFS thread.  The last week has been really difficult.  But i'm healing and I fly home tomorrow.

I am back on HRT!  Started 4 days after surgery. 

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi65.tinypic.com%2Fyiyq.jpg&hash=5de23d27f6f83dfaf4e92fd3b8e93f261a31d5e5)

going home today.  here is a pic of me a few weeks ago and one from last night, one week after FFS

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi65.tinypic.com%2F27y75af.jpg&hash=918d26b6ef199553d10236ed2564cc07bae01fde)

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
Thank you so very much for your "post FFS" updates and pictures.   
Perhaps it the terrific smile on your face but it appears that your surgery recovery is going very well. 
You look so happy.

I will be looking forward to your future updates and pictures as you feel free to post them. 
Again, thank you for letting your followers know how you are doing.
Hugs and well wishes.... and wishing you a speedy recovery.  I can hardly wait to see your pictures once you are healed up.

Danielle

Becca,

You look sore and swollen, even so you also can see you look very feminine and happy, you can already see the difference. Good luck with your further recovery.

Thank you for posting, I have been reading your progress for a long time and find your updates interesting [emoji4]

Nicole

Becca, you are amazing.  Thanks for sharing with us rookies.   

Congrats on going home.  I can't wait for the next update.

Hugs

Karen

I got home from Chicago (and my FFS surgery) on Thursday night.  I've been alone in my apartment ever since.  I made one trip to the supermarket across the street.  Two of my friends stopped by Friday night, but they'd been drinking and showed up two hours late and i could barely stay awake to talk to them. 

I get up in the morning, eat breakfast, shower and go back to bed.  My surgery was less than two weeks ago and I'm already loosing my mind of boredom. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on September 30, 2018, 09:14:34 AM
I got home from Chicago (and my FFS surgery) on Thursday night.  I've been alone in my apartment ever since.  I made one trip to the supermarket across the street.  Two of my friends stopped by Friday night, but they'd been drinking and showed up two hours late and i could barely stay awake to talk to them. 

I get up in the morning, eat breakfast, shower and go back to bed.  My surgery was less than two weeks ago and I'm already loosing my mind of boredom.

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
Oh, for sure, recovering from surgery can be a a trial particularly the waiting for the recovery process to get past all the discomfort and sleep deprivation.

I have always been a very active person with lots of things going on that I am involved in.... sitting back and not being able to keep active in those things would drive me crazy... well, perhaps crazier than I already am.

Please don't be bored, you have your very supporting fans and followers here on the forums....  we always want to hear from you.  Consider your time recovering as an opportunity to catch up with all the others here on the forums.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Becca Kay on September 30, 2018, 09:14:34 AM
I got home from Chicago (and my FFS surgery) on Thursday night.  I've been alone in my apartment ever since.  I made one trip to the supermarket across the street.  Two of my friends stopped by Friday night, but they'd been drinking and showed up two hours late and i could barely stay awake to talk to them. 

I get up in the morning, eat breakfast, shower and go back to bed.  My surgery was less than two weeks ago and I'm already loosing my mind of boredom.

Yes, the FFS recovery can be damn boring.  But that beats 'interesting complications' by quite a bit.  At some point soon you should be healed enough to do some makeup, concealer and corrector (orange over bruises, etc), and be able to get out a bit.

It is temporary in any case.  Keep up the massages and compresses, and soon enough the bruises will be gone.

Quote from: Becca Kay on September 30, 2018, 09:14:34 AM
I got home from Chicago (and my FFS surgery) on Thursday night.  I've been alone in my apartment ever since.  I made one trip to the supermarket across the street.  Two of my friends stopped by Friday night, but they'd been drinking and showed up two hours late and i could barely stay awake to talk to them. 

I get up in the morning, eat breakfast, shower and go back to bed.  My surgery was less than two weeks ago and I'm already loosing my mind of boredom. 

Hi Becca! I just found your thread and am now following. Your before and after pictures are amazing. Even through the swelling and bruising, I can see a more feminine difference. Wow, I glad to here you get to take a shower less that two weeks post-op. I will be looking forward to your updates as you recover. Thanks for sharing.

Wishing you a speedy recovery Becca!
Donica.

Hello Becca

You look happy. I wish you a speedy recovery and continued happiness.

Also congratulations on your return to HRT.

Hugs

Pamela

Hi Becca,

Glad to see you made it home. Congrats on the FFS and the healing looks to be going well. You already look pretty darned good girl. Keep the updates coming.

Hugs,
  Laurie

i've been posting regularly in my FFS thread, including some pics.  I thought I'd make a few HRT and other updates, since i've been back on HRT for over a week.  I was off HRT for 2 weeks prior to surgery and restarted 4 days post op.

The fact that I am only 14 days post op from major facial surgery might have something to do with it.  But I'm not having any erectile incidents. The second week I was off HRT I started getting regular erections.  I'm glad they're gone. 

Otherwise I feel very normal.  Like I did a month ago.  All the little side effects of stopping HRT seem to have been erased rather quickly after restarting. 

I had a consult today at a new clinic that I'm going to use for laser and electrolysis.  I start Laser on Saturday in preparation for GCS.   

I would like to schedule my GCS at the end of next year.  I have a short list of surgeons I'm considering.  I would like to use Bower, but her waiting list is 4 years long so I decided against that.  The top of my list now is McGinn.  I have a Consult scheduled with her in May of 2019.  She typically schedules surgery less than a year out from Consults.  There's a chance I could get an earlier consult as well if there are cancellations.  I like McGinn because she's trans, she has done a lot of GCS work, she is close to where I live and is well spoken of by her former patients.  However, she doesn't work with insurance.  Her fee is approx $17k, There's another $5k paid directly to the hospital.  I'm going to use my time between now and May to see how difficult it may be to use McGinn and get her fee reimbursed to me by my insurer. 

I'm also going to follow up with Rachel Bluebond Langner, who practices in NY.  She also has done a lot of surgeries and tends to have positive comments online from her patients. 

I may make an appointment with Karen Elizabeth Boyle, who is near Baltimore and I think has trained with Bluebond Langner, but hasn't done a lot of GCS surgeries.

I'm considering the Mayo Clinic, but their program is new and I don't know much about Dr Martinez.  They would be very easy with my insurance, though. 

My biggest concerns are that I do not want to wait years go have GCS, I want to use my insurance which covers GCS, I prefer to have a female surgeon and I want a positive outcome, aesthetically and functionally. I would prefer to stay on the East Coast as well.

Here's a pic from today, by less swollen and less bruised side. 


(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/p0EeiSBUxBq969vNjtaElk2TdKs7SWFSarfYg1y_4Y_8-UAPXxNYqXk6DXonO_TKwZ6sdz2LCBmXScSkUN2h5ip5HoJD4GFgBOX8etl7ejxxC73jYH8iKw_L3yWlmFxRldioBDYQmUEn-4PT4K78io1iN1QAEYZdTgXFAKK7gPXjlHhwfuoNnZtlTrvJT6mQDxdsKrFWM0bbyHz14dcX1n1jnKICQxEikQNJvnXatZNCShIb-BGhDc7preYsz8hQtLvt9JO_OSu-Y2t5mewBuduetEc_4QT1JgY0AwwRw_7vR8Ckz8HPELJSv6HRfui3Ne8ttKzOUrl1JI42UlmdFYHdQIww3rfZIbj78wIBmcn9rR3y_QZ4TH8G2Ce0_JtMvO_uyWZa98sGpOF_xgR0Om_8d4bBxsUp0nhgvaKpym782RhlqiOIaMlakpci_J8TIl5KumpreFGDGWt5FEilZ6w5FO1gRMUislLal9PMR1KXOHkXPtxdPdZxYYbB2ccOcc9biRxfG_sP_Zh2EwDLZ5AZ7zr0PvooBLk9UVgY16SzbObV4ipY0eF47VEec3tMlg4M8f5GcYX5de1NHOG6HlXuSkogNGkwM6M2DJcdrTqFqmnX2cVYoCRNoRVDQEKP=w464-h618-no-tmp.jpg)

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
Your followers really appreciate you keeping us all updated.   Your FFS recovery picture looks really good and will be getting better every day.
I love your head scarf!!!   That could become a fashion statement again much like it was many, many years ago.

You GRS consult in May 2019 is just around the corner...  good move getting it on the calendar, and making sure that your insurance gives you coverage.

Again, I appreciate your timely updates.... I am always eager to check in on your threads when I log in to the forums.
Hugs and well wishes.... and a continued good recovery.
Danielle

Thanks for the update! I've been following your other thread.  You're making great progress as this photo clearly demonstrates.  Take your time to find the surgeon you are happy with as we only get one shot at this!
Judi

Great update Becca. You are certainly doing your research for GCS. I hope you don't have to wait very long. Your picture was already gone when I got here. May I ask why you stopped HRT before your FFS Surgery? I haven't been told I would have to stop. My endocrinologist told me that even with GCS, she would only reduce my E a little before surgery? Congratulations. Your recovery is going well.

Donica.

i used a third party hosting service for my pics and it seems to have crashed.  all the image links are there still.  hoping it comes back on line.

Going to try posting using my google account and see how that works

Quote from: Donica on October 05, 2018, 11:43:01 AM
Great update Becca. You are certainly doing your research for GCS. I hope you don't have to wait very long. Your picture was already gone when I got here. May I ask why you stopped HRT before your FFS Surgery? I haven't been told I would have to stop. My endocrinologist told me that even with GCS, she would only reduce my E a little before surgery? Congratulations. Your recovery is going well.

Donica.

there are clotting risks with Estradiol.  Everyone I know who's had FFS or GCS had had to stop completely.  Your surgeon, not your Endo, should be giving you instructions prior to surgery.  If you're on injections instead of oral E you may need to stop a full month before surgery.

I wasn't asked to stop Estradiol for FFS in Spain.  I was asked to temporarily stop Estradiol for GCS (US) and VFS (South Korea).  FFS required the most hours under anesthesia. 

It's up to each surgeon, and I think in some cases is a policy set by the hospital. 

Ok thank's. I'm waiting for my second consult for FFS. It should be less than three weeks from now. I'm sure Dr. Kim will let me know then.

Donica.

Quote from: Donica on October 06, 2018, 09:34:45 AM
Ok thank's. I'm waiting for my second consult for FFS. It should be less than three weeks from now. I'm sure Dr. Kim will let me know then.

Donica.

if you do have to stop.  Don't worry much about it.  I let it crush me with anxiety last month and it turned out to be not that bad. 

posted the pic below in my FFS thread as well.

I've been trying to meter our my energy and plan a trip out of the apartment each day.  Today I had lunch with another "Z Girl" who is also a boarder here.  It was a nice long lunch and I was so happy to catch up with her.

at this point I am good for full normal energy level for 3+ hours per day.  Then I'm toast.  I did feel much more 'normal' today all morning and afternoon but now tonight I am sooooo exhausted. 

I've had some bad insomnia the past week as well.  I'm not getting enough quality sleep.  I've tried going to bed early. Late.  Taking Dyazapam.  Nothing seems to really help me sleep through the night.

(https://i.imgur.com/ustHPsg.jpg)

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:   I have been following both of your threads closely and I am very happy that things turned out so very well for you....  you are looking terrific and of course your great big happy smile and beautiful face should make you ecstatic about the results.
Thank you for keeping your fans updated.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quick update...

My FFS Recovery is going much better now as I'm in the 4th week of post op recuperation. My energy level is getting closer to normal. 

I have GCS consults officially scheduled now with McGinn in May and Bluebond-Langner in July.  I met last week with my therapist and she is preparing letters for me.  I want GCS so bad and knowing that it's maybe a year away makes me incredibly anxious.  I feel like I can't quite live my life until it's done.

The results of FFS have drastically lessened my Dysphoria.  I knew before that I was being clocked by most people in public.  But I don't worry about that anymore. Even without make up.  But the biggest benefit is that I like looking at myself in the mirror now.  It's a feeling I've never known.  It's wonderful.

Prior to my surgery I was still able to get a mild erection if I tried.  Just enough to have an orgasm.  But my erections were getting painful.  Being off HRT for two weeks before my surgery I started having regular erections and they stopped hurting.  For the past two weeks I occasionally tried but couldn't get an erection.  I was starting to think that maybe the combination of going back on HRT and having such a major surgery might mean I was done with erections altogether.  But in the past couple of days i've found that the old thing is working again (barely)  :)  But the "quality" of the erection is much less than what it was prior to my FFS a month ago.

I don't like my genitalia but I like sex.  If I graphed it's functionality over time and at the rate it's going I think at a point in the near future I don't get erections at all.  I worry I won't be able to orgasm. 

It's kind of a confusing thought.  Because I know it's possible to continue to orgasm after GCS.  But the way i'm "configured" right now I can't without an erection. 

Does this sound weird? 

I would still have GCS if I knew i couldn't orgasm again. 

Does this sound weird? Not at all Becca. I think achieving an orgasm has just as much to do with attitude as well as the physical sensation. If you are having orgasms now, you will be just fine after GCS.

Hugs.
Donica.

State of Michigan mailed me a copy of my birth certificate.  I had to call UPS to change the delivery option.  The package is addressed to my dead name. 

Over the phone the customer service agent asked me "Ma'am, are you Mr Dead Name's wife? Does he have a UPS account?"

LOL 

Either FFS works over the phone or my vocal training this summer at George Washington University is paying off

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 15, 2018, 07:58:33 PM
State of Michigan mailed me a copy of my birth certificate.  I had to call UPS to change the delivery option.  The package is addressed to my dead name. 

Over the phone the customer service agent asked me "Ma'am, are you Mr Dead Name's wife? Does he have a UPS account?"

LOL 

Either FFS works over the phone or my vocal training this summer at George Washington University is paying off

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca
Wowzers, this is so very affirming on several fronts....

First, your official birth certificate name change which will help you to change many other official and government documents to your legal name.

Second, your voice on the phone passing the gender test.... very, very confidence building, and along with your facial surgical procedure, you are really clicking off the things on your "to do" list for reaching your transition goals.

Thank you for posting and sharing with your followers. 
We are enjoying traveling with you on the transition road.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 15, 2018, 07:58:33 PM
State of Michigan mailed me a copy of my birth certificate.  I had to call UPS to change the delivery option.  The package is addressed to my dead name. 

Over the phone the customer service agent asked me "Ma'am, are you Mr Dead Name's wife? Does he have a UPS account?"

LOL 

Either FFS works over the phone or my vocal training this summer at George Washington University is paying off

Becca,

I'm glad you mentioned that you went to George Washington U. for voice therapy. I live in Maryland and am considering them for voice therapy (they seem like they're by far the most experienced in the vicinity). How were your sessions structured, and would you recommend them? Also, who was your speech therapist?

Hope your FFS recovery continues to go well  :)

I guess I haven't posted much about the GW trans voice therapy program. I did the summer  program this year.  It is structured like a class. You attend one 90 min session each week  they putt 6-10 people in each class and each of you is assigned a grad student who tutors you individually for most of that 90 min.  The tutoring is customized to your needs and where you are in your voice transition.

They give you "homework" each week which includes daily vocal exercises. 

They are up front that it will take multiple semesters in the program to achieve results. I was very frustrated all summer. It was very difficult.  I didn't get results until the end of the term.  Then after the semester ened d it kind of clicked.

They work more on intonation and resonance than pitch. My pitch goal was only 170 Hertz. And that's about where it is now. It was much lower before my first semester.  Buy I have OK resonance now. And I've changed my intonation a LOT.  If all you do is raise pitch you won't sound natural to others and you will get clocked.

The program was $375 for the semester.  I will return in January fior the next term.  It was well worth it. 

Cool - that sounds interesting. I'm from northern Maryland, and getting down to DC every week would be painful.  I did find the website that I think talks about the program you were in:

https://www.vocalself.com/transgender-voice-services

I don't know if you had any experience with Linda Siegfriedt herself. For me, I have the financial resources to do individual training, so I'm considering one of her intensive offerings. Or maybe some initial intensive plus a combination of in-person and Skype follow ups.

Quote from: sarahc on October 16, 2018, 09:32:19 AM
Cool - that sounds interesting. I'm from northern Maryland, and getting down to DC every week would be painful.  I did find the website that I think talks about the program you were in:

https://www.vocalself.com/transgender-voice-services

I don't know if you had any experience with Linda Siegfriedt herself. For me, I have the financial resources to do individual training, so I'm considering one of her intensive offerings. Or maybe some initial intensive plus a combination of in-person and Skype follow ups.

yes.  she sat with me a bit during most of my one on one sessions,  She is very good. She designed the program. 

Today is my 1 Year HRT anniversary.

I might be dead if not for HRT.  I don't believe I could have transitioned without it. HRT rewired my mind and lessened debilitating levels of dysphoria and anxiety.

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 18, 2018, 09:12:54 AM
Today is my 1 Year HRT anniversary.

I might be dead if not for HRT.  I don't believe I could have transitioned without it. HRT rewired my mind and lessened debilitating levels of dysphoria and anxiety.

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
    Wishing you a very HAPPY HRT ANNIVERSARY

It is wonderful to be able to annually celebrate
your HRT Anniversary as your "new-you"  BIRTHDAY   :icon_birthday:

Thank you for being comfortable sharing your journey on your HRT and your FFS threads... and your other postings on the other various threads around the Forums... .   
I am thinking that I may need a "Becca Kay TRACKER" to keep up with all of your postings here on the Forums.  ;)

I am so happy that things are going so well for you... your followers are celebrating with you.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 18, 2018, 09:12:54 AM
Today is my 1 Year HRT anniversary.

I might be dead if not for HRT.  I don't believe I could have transitioned without it. HRT rewired my mind and lessened debilitating levels of dysphoria and anxiety.

Whoo-hooo Becca! Congratulations on your one year HRT anniversary. Feels great doesn't it?

Hugs,
Donica.

When my legal name change became official two weeks ago my Mother said to me "This is your new birthday, my lovely daughter." 

I do kind of want to change the date I celebrate my birthday.  That thought seemed odd at first.  But now it feels like a new start, along with everything else.  I will also be knocking 10 years off my age. I've already started calling my 2 years younger sister my "older sister".  She is not amused

here's a selfie from today.  Took the bus to the DMV to update my name on my license


(https://i.imgur.com/zk2Mc4I.jpg)

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 18, 2018, 03:31:31 PM
When my legal name change became official two weeks ago my Mother said to me "This is your new birthday, my lovely daughter." 

I do kind of want to change the date I celebrate my birthday.  That thought seemed odd at first.  But now it feels like a new start, along with everything else.  I will also be knocking 10 years off my age. I've already started calling my 2 years younger sister my "older sister".  She is not amused

here's a selfie from today.  Took the bus to the DMV to update my name on my license


(https://i.imgur.com/zk2Mc4I.jpg)

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
Wow-whee.... you look absolutely beautiful in your new photo that you just posted.. 
Your hair, your makeup and lipstick, and of course your beautiful face is a treat for your followers to see!!!!
[emoji173]
Ignoring remnants of some bruising under your eyes, you are a very pretty picture of the "new you."   It appears that you healing has progressed very well, I imagine that you are quite happy when you look in a mirror.

Thank you for posting and sharing,
Hugs,
Danielle

It's only been a few weeks and it's already an amazing outcome! Congratulations!

You look amazing and so happy. 


Hugs

Karen

Congratulations Sofia!   Your new avatar is awesome!!!

Congratulations Becca on your HRT anniversary yesterday and also on your latest picture in which you look so happy and so beautiful.

Hugs

Pamela

Becca this is all awesome!  What a transformation.  And your mom's words are so touching. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on October 18, 2018, 03:31:31 PM
When my legal name change became official two weeks ago my Mother said to me "This is your new birthday, my lovely daughter." 

I do kind of want to change the date I celebrate my birthday.  That thought seemed odd at first.  But now it feels like a new start, along with everything else.  I will also be knocking 10 years off my age. I've already started calling my 2 years younger sister my "older sister".  She is not amused

here's a selfie from today.  Took the bus to the DMV to update my name on my license


(https://i.imgur.com/zk2Mc4I.jpg)

Becca, You are gorgeous! A lot of wonderful things have happened to you in the past month. Your FFS and recovery, your legal name change, your mother calling you her lovely daughter. This is cause for a big celebration. Why not make this your new birth date? I would take 40 years off my age but I don't think I could pull it off. I'll leave that one alone because people tell me I look younger then my age. Your mother sounds like a wonderful women. I'm so happy for you Becca. Oh ya! I love your new avatar.

Big hugs,
Donica.

I got a phone call today from my old employer regarding a lawsuit I am named in.  I left them last year, after I'd started HRT, but before I went full time.  The woman who called me knew me for years in my old job. She knew my old voice.  She did not believe it was me on the phone.  She kept insisting that she wanted to speak with "deadname" and I kept saying, "It's me!"

I think i really freaked her out.  LOL   

It really makes me happy when I know my voice training is paying off. 

I've been thinking about no longer posting in this thread.  Originally it was kind of cathartic.  Early on every day was a challenge or a little victory and I needed to get that out.  But more and more I feel like I'm so far away from that.  I don't suffer from painful levels of dysphoria.  I LIKE MY LIFE.  I like being a queer woman.  After FFS I like how my face looks. 

I didn't think a year and a half ago that in 2018 I would find myself.  It seemed like an impossible dream.  But I feel now like I'm almost there.  If GCS is half as good for me as I hope, I will just live the rest of my life.... :)

For now I'll make a few more comments....


I am 6 weeks post op from FFS.  Lots of healing yet to happen. But I feel like I am finally seeing myself in the mirror.  Like when I started HRT or went full time, the amount and severity of my dysphoria has been reduced dramatically. 

I go on Friday for my regularly scheduled blood test.  I'm expecting to hear again that my E levels are stable and in the "female range" and that I probably have too little T in my system.  I've been experiencing a lot of fatigue and I think it's not just from the surgery 6 weeks ago.  For most of the last 6 months I've also had some sleeplessness, which could be a side effect of Spiro or maybe even low T levels. 

I'll post an update when I get my bloodwork back!!  Until then here is my unicorn costume...

(https://i.imgur.com/aqFw7wA.jpg)

Wow Sofia! You look so cute in that picture with the party ears and ribbons. Was this an office party? Your FFS was indeed successful.

I hope you start a GCS thread so we can follow the next chapter in your journey.

Hugs,
Donica.

i don't think i will make a GCS thread.  I think this is it.  There are plenty of other GCS threads.  I have nothing to add that hasn't been said.  And I'm kind of starting to think that I want to keep the rest of my transition for myself. 

I've been very open about my transition with friends and acquaintances.  I feel like i'm helping them to learn.  But it's not like me to share intensely intimate details about myself with so may people.  It exhausts me. I'm tired of it.  I feel like I did my part and now that my face is fixed I can maybe go the rest of the way in a more private manner. 

for the short term I'll update this a bit more and post some more updates in my FFS thread over the next few months.  Lots of healing yet to happen

I would like to thank you so very much for sharing your HRT and FFS journey with us Sophie. Please forgive me if I keep misspelling your name. You have certainly help me to understand what to expect when my FFS date gets here. I now have the courage to move forward with this. I am sooo hoping it happens very soon.

Thank again for sharing Sophie!
Donica.

This thread was helpful and inspirational.  Know that as you move on with the rest of journey in a more private way, and best wishes.

Quote from: Becca Kay on November 01, 2018, 07:32:32 PM
i don't think i will make a GCS thread.  I think this is it.  There are plenty of other GCS threads.  I have nothing to add that hasn't been said.  And I'm kind of starting to think that I want to keep the rest of my transition for myself.  

I've been very open about my transition with friends and acquaintances.  I feel like i'm helping them to learn.  But it's not like me to share intensely intimate details about myself with so may people. It exhausts me. I'm tired of it.  I feel like I did my part and now that my face is fixed I can maybe go the rest of the way in a more private manner.  

for the short term I'll update this a bit more and post some more updates in my FFS thread over the next few months.  Lots of healing yet to happen

@Becca Kay:
Dear Becca:
I, along with many others, have found your threads and photos very inspirational, helpful and educational...   
... obviously only post things that you feel comfortable posting.  It is entirely up to you how much or how little that you want to post and share here on the Forums.   
Believe me, I certainly know from my personal experience, how exhausting and tiring it can be to intelligently share personal details about myself here, and coupled with that is my involvement on so many threads other than my own...
... there comes a time for everyone to make decisions about all of this... and if this is your time, then no one can argue with you....   but do know that your threads have been and will continue to be of interest to all of your followers of which you have many.   

Thank you for your past, present, and hopefully future sharing of your thoughts here on the Forums.
Hugs and hugs, and best wishes to you whatever you decide.
Danielle  

had a blood test last week.

My test was 6 weeks post op.  I was off HRT for two and a half weeks in Sept for FFS.  My levels have rebounded over the past month.  T was effectively zero and and E was 143.  Kind of what I expected. 

I have a doctor appointment on monday to discuss the results.

Also, my boobs are sore.  First that I've noticed this in two months.  Also probably a result of hrt rebound after my break for FFS.  I was kind of getting used to not having sore breasts.  I'd like them to be a lot bigger, but it's annoying when they're perpetually sore

Quote from: Becca Kay on November 09, 2018, 09:56:57 PM
had a blood test last week.

My test was 6 weeks post op.  I was off HRT for two and a half weeks in Sept for FFS.  My levels have rebounded over the past month.  T was effectively zero and and E was 143.  Kind of what I expected. 

I have a doctor appointment on monday to discuss the results.

Also, my boobs are sore.  First that I've noticed this in two months.  Also probably a result of hrt rebound after my break for FFS.  I was kind of getting used to not having sore breasts.  I'd like them to be a lot bigger, but it's annoying when they're perpetually sore

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
I am so sorry that you are uncomfortable....   
Sore Boobs, one of the curses of being a woman...  even cis-women have sore boobs from time to time.... 
...at least we do not have the "monthly curse" that cis-women have to deal with!!!   
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on November 09, 2018, 10:16:11 PM
@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
I am so sorry that you are uncomfortable....   
Sore Boobs, one of the curses of being a woman...  even cis-women have sore boobs from time to time.... 
...at least we do not have the "monthly curse" that cis-women have to deal with!!!   
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Honestly, I would give anything to get that monthly curse. I wanted to be a mother so badly. It's a price I'd be willing to pay.

I have had SO MANY cis women say that to me and It really really hurts every time someone says it.

i would do anything to have a uterus.  And have periods.  And be able to have children.  :'(

now i'm going to cry all night :(

All is not lost ladies. As I understand it, there have been 8 trans women that have had a Uterus implant and some of them have successfully given birth via IVF and Embryo transplant. It seems difficult and getting health care insurance to cover it is many years away :'(

I got my GCS letter from my therapist today.  It will be sent to McGinn and Bluebond-Langer this week in preparation from my consults with both next year.

This week I have an appointment to update my passport.

I'm still healing from FFS.  It's been harder than I expected.  But I'm overall soooo happy that I got the surgery and used Dr Z.




I don't really have more to say.  I am going to end this thread here.

The last year+ of my life has been terrifying and amazing.  I thought that I would die a miserable depressed man and I was wrong.  HRT was like a magic chemical reboot of my brain and body.  Surgery will do the rest.

Medical transition isn't worth much if you don't work on your mind and personal relationships.  I haven't talked about that in this thread.  I should have.  I am a much kinder, considerate and thoughtful person than I was a year and a half ago.  HRT didn't do that.  I did that.  I made a decision to let go of the social programming and anger and sadness that I had been raised with as a boy. I've been partly successful.  People don't recognize me now.  Not only because I physically don't look the same.  But because I am a better person. 

Good luck to everyone here.  I'll be here hanging out. But my time building these threads is over. 

@Becca Kay
Dear Becca:
Thanks for sharing your wonderful and inspiring report and update on your recent surgery.

I understand about you not desiring to keep building your threads but please do not be a stranger here on the forums.
There are a plethora of Topics and threads that you can get involved in from time to time, even share some more of your terrific pictures.  You can even start threads about various subjects that interest you and could be looking to share thoughts back and forth with other like-minded members.

I will be looking for your postings as you feel so led to write them.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Enjoy your new life Becca. Congratulation on your successful FFS and your upcoming GCS.

Hugs,
Donica.

Becca, I have followed you closely over the last several months .  Inspired by your courage and sharing.   Your openness about your personal and emotional journey only makes what you have achieved that much more special and inspiring.

Thanks for being so open.   You are awesome.

Karen

i will probably post a few updates in my FFS Thread over the next 2-4 months.  I am not even close to fully healed.  I have a lot of numbness, swelling, etc.  I was waiting until Dec to take a few pics, maybe without make up.

This thread.... I can't quit you!!!

I thought I would drop in and give a quick update and post a pic. I'm 3 months post op from FFS and things are going really well in my personal life as a result of my surgery. 

My May consultation appointment for GCS with Dr McGinn has been moved up to this month.  It looks like I will have my surgery before Summer. 

(https://i.imgur.com/hVhGmSG.jpg)

Congrats on GCS.  Amazing. 

And you look awesome. 

So happy for you.

Karen

That's great news Becca! It seems like it would be much better having GCS before summer begins. Hopefully you can get through the rough stuff before it starts get hot.

I decided to pop in and provide a little update.  I am a year and a half on HRT.  And it feels like sooooo much longer.  So much has happened. 

My T levels are zero.  My E levels are 190. I am taking almost no Spiro.   Despite my T being so low for the past year I feel really good.  There have been increasingly noticeable physical changes to my body.  I am a 36 B now.  I was going to have BA this year bud decided not to because they've slowly continued to grow.  My body hair seems to be getting thinner and thinner. 

I am having GCS with Mcginn in less than 6 weeks.  I'm very excited. 

My personal life has been going well too.  I have two partners that I see regularly (I am poly).  Since moving a year ago I have a great group of close friends.  My job continues to go well.  And I'm supported completely at work.

I just finished a second semester of voice therapy at The George Washington University.  My voice sounds pretty good now.  I get only ma'am on the phone.

Since my FFS surgery last Sept i have not been misgendered even once in public.  I think my voice work also helps a LOT. 

Congratulations on you GCS in 6 weeks Becca. Wow, so exciting. It's been awhile since your last posted in your thread. Your FFS went so well and you are looking fabulous girl. Both of us have been progressing well on HRT. My E and T levels are the same as yours. I'll just say I'm filling out a large 40A. Isn't it great? Are you planning to start a new GCS thread?

Hugs!

i will probably not do a GCS thread.  I'm keeping that for myself.  Plus there are plenty of such threads in here

Hello again Becca

Your update is a wonderful uplifting summary. I am so happy for you that things are progressing so well on so many fronts.

Hope everything goes to plan with GCS in late May. A very exciting time as you say.

Hugs

Pamela

My GCS with McGinn is 11 days from now.  I have been off Estrodiol for 3 days.  I am still on Spiro, though.  I started getting a headache this morning, which has continued all day.  A dull all over headache  Similar to last year when I went off HRT for FFS.  I expect I'll have a headache for most of the next 11 days.

I will be off work for 13 weeks.  I am incredibly lucky that my employer is paying my full salary while I am on "short term medical disability". 

I won't start taking E again until the second week in June.  Along with the use of a prescription testosterone cream.  McGinn want's her patients to maintain a T level that is in the normal range of a cis female.