Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been itching to start my own thread since I started.  I saw others do theirs and the longer I waited the harder it seemed, I had more posts, and how to combine?  Not sure.  I'll periodically add some old topics in here just to consolidate, but my new topics also, I'd like to add an well.

Almost all of these starts with introductions.  I'll do that also.  I'm 47, too old on my book, but young enough to know there is still much life to live.  I was unable to accept who I was until just before turning 47.  I knew since I was 8, but had been actively in denial and repression nearly 40 years.  I just couldn't take it anymore, the GD took over soo many times and I was unable to function.  In this last time, I started to make a list of reasons I was trans and posted them here.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,227108.msg2013692.html#msg2013692

The response I got was affirming.  It seems obvious but the amount of times I've done DIY and quit, it just seemed like I was in a cycle.  I was really about to quit again, but knew the beast would strike again.  So instead, I started to be open about "my problem,"

I told my intro here which was a little rehash, but a much nicer way and better intro to me.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228812.msg2030351.html#msg2030351

Since this intro I've come out to my parents and my sister and a few others.  One thing I learned from my parents is how much they've forgotten about my childhood.  My father couldn't remember any discussion about me wanting to be a girl.  My mom did remember, but thought it was nothing, let it pass immediately.  Me, on the other hand, I was scarred mentally from that point.  I probably thought about that talk at least once a week for 40 years.  I hid from anybody that tried to get close, I repressed, I felt I never matured socially from that point.  Granted, I got smarter as I aged, and it's what allowed to to accept.

Anyway, enough for post one.  I hope I'm not boring anyone.  I feel I've got some unique experiences, and am surprised and thankful whenever Im told I'm not alone.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo 🙋 you didn't bore me at all!  Your road is very similar to my own.  In my own reflections from reading others experiences, I have gained great insight to my own self.  Just yesterday I sorted out that I yearned to be a woman far earlier than I thought (I remember now wanting to be Inger Stevens from The Farmers Daughter). 
Sharing our experiences here is part of our much needed therapy, and benefits all.

Hugs, Jessica

Good on ya, best thing I did was start my "diary" or ramblings

"bout time Bari! Now, lay yourself bare ... NO! Not Literally :P

Thanks I'm going to continue with current and past things alternating till there are no past things any more.  This next one is mainly current.  I've been very apprehensive about coming out at work.  I know my work will be accepting.  I probably work for the most accepting company there is on the planet.  What worries me is the day to day.  I will need to use the restroom often.  I know I'm seen as strange, but they still see me as a man, and we have zero gender neutral bathrooms in my building.  My building was built in the 50s and we have had precious little done to it.  I've been trying to think of ways for my coworkers so view me as female.  One is dressing the part.  I dress as a femme boy, tight jeans, painted nails, earings, perfume.  Next I'm trying to cultivate me being seen as a nurturer.  I'm bringing in home made goods every so often for our team.  And lastly the name.  When I bring in the homemade goods, I say it's from Bari Jo.  Nobody has said anything about the name yet.  I'm not pushing it, but will slowly emphasize it.  I also have a name tag with my name, which I may start wearing.  For now it's on the wall by my desk.

Anyway, here's the link to the story of me coming up with the idea of coming out at work through food.  So far everybody likes what Bari Jo brings in.  I plan on doing more of this over time.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232838.0.html

Of course I'm not asking them about bathroom policy but will have to figure this out eventually.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo
   Congrats on your thread and on your progress. I have a prediction. I think that people will react better to you once they know your truth. People don't do well if they aren't sure what you are about. Be honest with them and I think you will see many people relax and support you. I knew someone on this site who was getting a lot of grief at work because they didn't know what was going on. She was slow walking her coming out. I asked her if, by doing it gradually, was she going avoid any heartache? Why not shorten the process, get it over, and move on. She did and was amazed how good people were. She thought it was anti-climatic in fact. Just a thought for you to think over, Girl.
Moni

Yays! "you have subscribed to this topic" [emoji16].

You've broken through those mental walls,  and leaped the hurdles, onward girl! Own your life, be happy, and share it with us coz we're a nosey bunch! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 16, 2018, 05:09:21 PM
Thanks I'm going to continue with current and past things alternating till there are no past things any more.  This next one is mainly current.  I've been very apprehensive about coming out at work.  I know my work will be accepting.  I probably work for the most accepting company there is on the planet.  What worries me is the day to day.  I will need to use the restroom often.  I know I'm seen as strange, but they still see me as a man, and we have zero gender neutral bathrooms in my building.  My building was built in the 50s and we have had precious little done to it.  I've been trying to think of ways for my coworkers so view me as female.  One is dressing the part.  I dress as a femme boy, tight jeans, painted nails, earings, perfume.  Next I'm trying to cultivate me being seen as a nurturer.  I'm bringing in home made goods every so often for our team.  And lastly the name.  When I bring in the homemade goods, I say it's from Bari Jo.  Nobody has said anything about the name yet.  I'm not pushing it, but will slowly emphasize it.  I also have a name tag with my name, which I may start wearing.  For now it's on the wall by my desk.

Anyway, here's the link to the story of me coming up with the idea of coming out at work through food.  So far everybody likes what Bari Jo brings in.  I plan on doing more of this over time.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232838.0.html

Of course I'm not asking them about bathroom policy but will have to figure this out eventually.

Bari Jo

I don't know all the particulars, but maybe it's time. 

Hi Sweetie,
I too work in a very accepting office. Several days a week I come in wearing girl clothes and accessories. Nobody treats me any different. There is a gender neutral space but it is not convienent from where I sit, so I just use the room appropriate to the days costume as long as the visit does not involve changing.

Keep up being Bair Jo!!

Quote from: Megan. on January 16, 2018, 05:51:31 PM
Yays! "you have subscribed to this topic" [emoji16].

Wait you can subscribe to threads?  I feel silly.  I miss days or more of updates sometimes.  How do you do that?

Bari Jo

I use Tapatalk (android), there is a little circle up the top right to select for subscribing when viewing a thread. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: Jessica on January 16, 2018, 05:57:02 PM
I don't know all the particulars, but maybe it's time.

I don't think so.  I'm not ready for that.  I'm thinking in six months.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Megan. on January 16, 2018, 06:14:50 PM
I use Tapatalk (android), there is a little circle up the top right to select for subscribing when viewing a thread. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I couldn't find any circle.  More specific location?  I use a laptop.

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 16, 2018, 06:24:01 PM
I don't think so.  I'm not ready for that.  I'm thinking in six months.

Bari Jo

.

I'm excited to follow this thread and your changes.  I know it feels good to have a thread that has your feelings in print that others and yourself can say "this is you".

Hugs, Jess

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 16, 2018, 06:12:47 PM
Wait you can subscribe to threads?  I feel silly.  I miss days or more of updates sometimes.  How do you do that?

Bari Jo

Quote from: Cali on January 16, 2018, 06:27:50 PM
I couldn't find any circle.  More specific location?  I use a laptop.

I don't know about tapatalk, on regular web pages at the top (and bottom) of each topic is a 'NOTIFY' button

Okay, now that I've had some pluses, I'm going to bring up a minus.  This particular happening occurred when I was on a transition high.  It started after I discovered a new app called faceapp.  It's a gender change app on Android.  My Avatar pict is from that app. If you see a tiny yellow woman icon in the lower left of the pict, it's from faceapp.  Anyway, I was really enjoying the app.  Then I started to really look closely at the differences from before and after and started considering FFS.  I was asking for advice on this in the FFS forum, and we'll got some, brutally honest feedback.  It took whatever confidence I had built up, took it all away, and then dug a hole so deep I couldnt see the bottom, then threw me in it.  I read it at lunch at work and sobbed, literally.  Afterwards I had a meeting and was asked how I was and that made me start sobbing again and I had to excuse myself from the meeting.  I was very guarded in any topic on Susan's for a while, even considered quitting altogether.  Some very nice ladies here saw my distress and talked me off that ledge.  I still am guarded going near the link for that forum, and almost never go in it now.  It has discouraged me from participating in the faceapp and before/after threads too.  I know, irrational.  I'm a girl, nobody said I was rational.

So anyway, here's the faceapp thread which can be fun.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228054.0.html

Here's the thread I had for FFS.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229525.msg2039163.html#msg2039163

You may ask why rehash that here.  Well, it's part of what makes me Bari Jo.  Its part of this crazy journey of mine, and although I don't want to feel pain from these moments I don't want to forget.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo, just yesterday I posted something that relates to your post about Faceapp. I am sorry that episode depressed you so much, but you may want to see this:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=233040.new;topicseen

Initially I was also very concerned about my appearance, but now I realize it is not that important. Certainly I will still try to be the prettiest 'me' that I can be, but finally being able to just be me far outweighs worrying about how others may rate my appearance. If you think about it, you may find this to be your truth also.

On a related note, several months ago I saw a female softball coach that looked familiar. Then I ran across one of your posts with your faceapp avatar, and that coach could have been your avatar's twin sister!

Thank you Jessica Rose.  I have not reached that level of acceptance for myself yet.  I'm working on it.  it's one of the hardest things to do.  I see myself as my avatar pict, reality shows different.  A doppelganger huh?  I'd love to put us together and see how close we are to each other.

Bari Jo

'Bout time you got your own show too! ... Wait, are we up against each other in the same time slot? (For you wee ones, a time slot is from when people used to watch TV on devices that did not stream, and so you had to watch a show at a specific time, and only that time. So if there were two shows on at the same time you wanted to watch, too frickin' bad!)

In celebratory fashion, I bring unto thee a gift of a google link to pictures deemed "slightly amusing":
https://www.google.com/search?q=slightly+amusing+picture

Also, here is an emoji parade:
:icon_2gun: :icon_archery: :icon_ciggy: :eusa_shhh: :icon_blahblah: :icon_shrug_no: :icon_love: :icon_yikes: :icon_zombie: O0 O0 :icon_rockon: :icon_omfg: :icon_punch: :icon_pistoles: :icon_pistoles: :icon_pelvic_thrust2: :icon_pelvic_thrust2: :icon_peace: :icon_peace: :icon_lemon: :icon_dizzy: :icon_ciggy: :icon_exclaim: :icon_drunk: :o :police:

And here is a nude photo of Don Rickles:

[Image Removed]

And here is a link to a weird British Hep C campaign starring Right Said Fred (I seriously have no idea how I found this):
http://www.liver4life.org.uk/not2sexy

... And with that, I leave you be.

Quote from: Roll on January 16, 2018, 11:09:46 PM
'Bout time you got your own show too! ... Wait, are we up against each other in the same time slot?

Nah, yours is prime time.  Mine is late night with parental advisory warnings:)

Bari Jo

I am glad to see that you have your own thread, Bari Jo.

I am inclined to agree with Moni about coming out at work.  Just pull that tooth and get it over with.  Make it official and public, with a memo from HR saying that Bari Jo will be using the women's washroom from now on so don't hassle her about it or there'll be trouble, and most people will be accepting and happy for you.

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 16, 2018, 08:11:02 PM
Okay, now that I've had some pluses, I'm going to bring up a minus.  This particular happening occurred when I was on a transition high.  It started after I discovered a new app called faceapp.  It's a gender change app on Android.  My Avatar pict is from that app. If you see a tiny yellow woman icon in the lower left of the pict, it's from faceapp.  Anyway, I was really enjoying the app.  Then I started to really look closely at the differences from before and after and started considering FFS.  I was asking for advice on this in the FFS forum, and we'll got some, brutally honest feedback.  It took whatever confidence I had built up, took it all away, and then dug a hole so deep I couldnt see the bottom, then threw me in it.  I read it at lunch at work and sobbed, literally.  Afterwards I had a meeting and was asked how I was and that made me start sobbing again and I had to excuse myself from the meeting.  I was very guarded in any topic on Susan's for a while, even considered quitting altogether.  Some very nice ladies here saw my distress and talked me off that ledge.  I still am guarded going near the link for that forum, and almost never go in it now.  It has discouraged me from participating in the faceapp and before/after threads too.  I know, irrational.  I'm a girl, nobody said I was rational.

So anyway, here's the faceapp thread which can be fun.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228054.0.html

Here's the thread I had for FFS.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229525.msg2039163.html#msg2039163

You may ask why rehash that here.  Well, it's part of what makes me Bari Jo.  Its part of this crazy journey of mine, and although I don't want to feel pain from these moments I don't want to forget.

Bari Jo

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience sweetie. But I wouldn't take the things some of those people said to heart. Don't ever ask transwomen to judge your pictures. It's just asking for heartache. Transwomen search for any tiny flaw and emphasize them. It's not that they are trying to be mean, they're not at all. But as transwomen we look much deeper for flaws than any CIS person ever would. That's because we are so used to doing it to ourselves it's hard not to do it to others. Keep in mind that a cis person isn't going to notice 80% of the flaws we see. Our whole world revolves around trying to pass. We search out any flaw in ourselves and others. A cis person doesn't automatically start looking for tell signs that someone is trans in every woman they see like we do.

Keep in mind that you haven't been on hrt that long. Hrt is going to soften your features, the longer you're on it the more it feminizes your features. Also, once you have hair removal that's going to make your skin look much better because you won't have that dark shadow hiding beneath the surface of your skin. In my opinion it's much too early to be worrying about FFS.  And be careful who you ask about your appearance. If I asked for everyone to critique my photo I'm sure someone would point out flaws I didn't know about and then I would be all stressed out over it. That's why I don't ask anyone to critique my appearance. The only person I ever ask about my appearance is my brother. He's been very helpful actually. One of his favorite pastimes is looking at girls. He does tend to be blunt and very honest but because of that I know his compliments are sincere and he's not just telling me what I want to hear. Someone like that would be good for you to get opinions from. Your sister maybe?

I've told you before that I think your results from hrt will be very good and I mean that. I've seen your regular pictures without faceapp too and I still think that.

Yes, yes. To Julia you listen. Sorry, I have been watching my nephew's boy and he has been watching Star Wars over and over.

It is so normal to have those anxieties and fears but work and hormones can do miracles. It just takes time, not something that anyone wants to hear but it is true. Relax if you can, when you can. Not being lazy but mindful that this is how life works.

I know it's natural to seek reassurance but maybe here is not the best place. At least you've gotten some feedback, if not awesome, it's more than I have ever gotten here. 😃 It definitely helped me to learn though and I did eventually get my friends to give me feedback. Whether I pass or not, reassurance is just temporary, mirror, mirror on the wall had the final say. Mostly it was not kind in the beginning. I don't have any answers but if you are being absolutely honest, don't you think it's too early to be freaking out? Is it absolutely necessary to be so hard on yourself?

Anyway, hope that you are feeling better today.

Thanks, I'm better now than I was back then.  I've been on hrt for over six months now.  I'm probably over the phase where I had to get FFS.  I've had enough interaction with other trans ladies where they seemed genuinely happy as they are, and their features are way more masculine than me.  Well, I'd still like to get a nose job, I don't consider that FFS:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 17, 2018, 09:30:37 AM
Thanks, I'm better now than I was back then.  I've been on hrt for over six months now.  I'm probably over the phase where I had to get FFS.  I've had enough interaction with other trans ladies where they seemed genuinely happy as they are, and their features are way more masculine than me.  Well, I'd still like to get a nose job, I don't consider that FFS:)

Bari Jo

People keep telling me my nose is fine, and yours is way better than mine hands down. If I can't get a nose job, you can't get a nose job! ;D

Hah, Ellie, there's a reason I don't show picts with a side profile.  It may as well be a witch from an old movie.  I hate it, always hated it.

now onto new stuff kinda.  I've had some wonderful coming outs and I am considering doing some more.  my first coming out was to my producer at my old job.  she is on the diversity advisory council at the old company I worked for.  that did not exist at the time I was there.  I was always so angry and repressed at that job.  I wanted to congratulate her and let her know my situation while I was there, so I did.  that was number one.

My second was to my sister.  I had so much anxiety over this as my sister is my best friend and if I screw this one up, well, I couldn't bare it.  I wrote a coming out letter over and over.  I was tearing up a bit doing it, and got comments from coworkers.  It was then I realized I was writing it ON national coming out day.  I wrote it, rewrote it, rehearsed it in my head, it was my life at the time.  I couldn't think of anything else.  At group I wanted to talk about coming out to family but couldn't even start the conversation.  I ended up crying the whole time.  Lots of hugs went around but no real help.  Worse is I couldn't find the time to have the conversation.  I wanted to do it in person.  I ended up leaving a letter for her in case she snoops in my room.  Well she didn't, but I had to direct her to the letter, since I was a moron texting.  it went far far better than I expected.  she's my unicorn supporter and is trying to help chart my path.  Below is the link of my coming out to her.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230281.0.html

My third was to my dad who is retired career military, has had lots of anti trans comments.  I wasn't planning on coming out to him, but my sister encouraged me, she talked with him about other trans families.  Well, it was rocky.  For him I had to do it by letter.  I dropped it off at his hotel and waited and waited.  Nothing.  My sister called him and he's accepting, but not really supportive.  We still do stuff together, and he monitors my labs and ran checks on my doctor.  Yes, he was playing cop about it, but that's fine, it is his expertise being a licensed surgeon in the same state.  Anyway, we are still friends and we are relearning what it is to be father and daughter.

My fourth is my mom, which I did in person over wine.  That went about as well as my sister.  I still get teared up thinking how supportive my mom has been.  Here's the link of the coming out to her:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231214.0.html

So now that's immediate family, I'm going to talk with some neighbors.  Unlike most places, we have a very tight community.  We are always in the courtyard talking, have cocktail sundays, and movie nights.  It's all spontaneous but everybody comes and talks.  Of my neighbors, my direct neighbors are a lesbien couple where one wife works at the lgbt center.  How she doesn't know about me yet, no clue.  I attend two different support groups as the center too.  I have another gay male couple that are my dog sitters.  The hoa board has a gay male couple.  Behind me is a lesbian couple.  To the left a few doors down is another gay male.  We are represented, well everything except trans.  I get along with just about everybody too.  Ive decided to come out to the lesbian couple that works at the lgbt center.  They will know soon enough anyway.  Plus they have to be supportive basically.  I will also come out to my neighbor that is a family therapist.  I've caught her so many times with her wheels turning trying to figure me out, so I'm going to tell her.  With any luck withing a week or two, both these coming outs will have been done.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 17, 2018, 10:34:33 AMIve decided to come out to the lesbian couple that works at the lgbt center.  They will know soon enough anyway.  Plus they have to be supportive basically.

Good choice!  After my wife, the first person I came out to was my lesbian neighbour who works at an LGBT centre.  It was not only a safe move, but a very helpful one as well, as she was able to point me to the resources I would need for transition.

Don't forget, they may be very aware but also know that it is something you should bring up with them, rather than them just saying "Hey, you trans?" like some people more oblivious to the heartache and difficulty may do.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 17, 2018, 11:09:50 AM
Good choice!  After my wife, the first person I came out to was my lesbian neighbour who works at an LGBT centre.  It was not only a safe move, but a very helpful one as well, as she was able to point me to the resources I would need for transition.

I may have written about this in my own thread, but my memory is what I forget with, so here it is: After coming out to my wife, and while I was trying to find a therapist, I was desperate to have someone to talk to about this. A lady had shown up in my life who said she'd known me from my old days flying ultralights in Michigan. She told stories that confirmed that. She showed up at my displays at airshows with her girlfriend, and had just moved within 15 miles of my house. So I figured as someone in the LGBT community, maybe she'd be supportive of my T, even though she was L. I invited her over to tell her about it, and after talking about the old days for a while, I chickened out. When she was on the way out, she stopped and said, "Well, you wanted to tell me something..." Busted. So I told her what I'd been going through, ending with, "I've determined that I'm transgender." Everything went quiet... and she said, "Yeah... me too."

I'd had no idea. She has since become a kind of mentor to me, and we visit often. Over in my thread I have a recent entry about how a friend told the seller of a plane she was interested that she needed her girlfriend Stephanie to inspect it before she bought it. That was her.

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 17, 2018, 09:14:01 PM
I may have written about this in my own thread, but my memory is what I forget with, so here it is: After coming out to my wife, and while I was trying to find a therapist, I was desperate to have someone to talk to about this. A lady had shown up in my life who said she'd known me from my old days flying ultralights in Michigan. She told stories that confirmed that. She showed up at my displays at airshows with her girlfriend, and had just moved within 15 miles of my house. So I figured as someone in the LGBT community, maybe she'd be supportive of my T, even though she was L. I invited her over to tell her about it, and after talking about the old days for a while, I chickened out. When she was on the way out, she stopped and said, "Well, you wanted to tell me something..." Busted. So I told her what I'd been going through, ending with, "I've determined that I'm transgender." Everything went quiet... and she said, "Yeah... me too."

I'd had no idea. She has since become a kind of mentor to me, and we visit often. Over in my thread I have a recent entry about how a friend told the seller of a plane she was interested that she needed her girlfriend Stephanie to inspect it before she bought it. That was her.

Stephanie

Wow, I always wanted an UltraLite! 

Quote from: Cali on January 17, 2018, 09:42:04 PM
Wow, I always wanted an UltraLite!

I'm your girl. Ultralights and light planes are my passion and business. PM me if you want to talk about it.

Stephanie

hmm, I have been thinking more on this.  My sister will be here I a week and wants to host drinks in my gallery on that Friday.  I'd like to have the coming out conversations with those neighbors beforehand. However, my sister and I are getting our eyebrows threaded the night before.  So maybe that gallery night would be good.  I just want it over with:)  Btw, I'm a little worried how one girl will react since she's so politically motivated.  I hate politics and think she will want me to join her causes, or be mad that I am not joining her causes.  Eef, politics brings out the worst in people.

Bari Jo

Maybe if she brings it up, just let her know you aren't ready yet but you hope to be in a position to someday. Kind of kick the can down the road a bit. It's not 100% honest, but helps you at least get through the night without awkward hassle.

Hmm I had the realization today that my home business is the only female owned business of its type in the world.  Now I'm worried that my transition may overshadow the products I design and build.  It makes me a little scared of the future.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 18, 2018, 08:07:27 AM
Hmm I had the realization today that my home business is the only female owned business of its type in the world.  Now I'm worried that my transition may overshadow the products I design and build.  It makes me a little scared of the future.

Bari Jo

Don't worry about those sorts of labels, the average person really doesn't pay attention to those sorts of things and will just take your products for what they are. Even when people actively say "I think I'll support local female owned businesses!", they rarely follow through. I couldn't imagine you get much more than an offhand comment every now and then, and even in that case it will most likely be a point of interest addendum.

I told myself that I wasn't going to do this until further along, but I found myself emailing HR to ask about transgender services for our insurance.  I have not heard back from her yet.  I walked by her office a couple times and think she was out today.  So, sometime soon is the HR meeting.  Eef, why did I send that?

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 18, 2018, 07:36:14 PM
I told myself that I wasn't going to do this until further along, but I found myself emailing HR to ask about transgender services for our insurance.  I have not heard back from her yet.  I walked by her office a couple times and think she was out today.  So, sometime soon is the HR meeting.  Eef, why did I send that?

Bari Jo

You'll be fine hun. I contacted HR months before taking any next steps. They should be both understanding,  supportive and of course protective of your confidentiality. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Calling HR was smart, don't be nervous about it.  They are there for you & can help make life in the office & coming out at work easier.  I think it is clever to bring in treats for the office.  I am sure they all look forward to your food, and by extension seeing you come into work.  Very nice idea.

I am glad that your family is still there supporting you.  Remember to rely on them when you have those bad days.  They obviously love you, so make sure to get that love & support when you need it. 

I hope things continue to look up for you.   

Our HR person has been gone the past couple days.  I havent heard anything.  I'm on pins and needles here.

I also found out from my lgbt center that Gcs and ba are covered by all insurance now in CA.  These are things I haven't really thought about, but now I am.  Hmm, what would bari jo do?

Bari Jo

I agree with the others about contacting HR, it was a good decision. As part of coming out to my manager I asked him about contacting HR. He put me in contact with an HR person who is also the chairperson for our LGBT+ employee resource group. HR has been a big help. Once I told them I felt like I had another layer of protection from an discrimination I may encounter. I call myself a unicorn now - a rare and highly protected species! So far I have not had any issues, but only four people at work know. All of them have kept the information confidential. I think the person most likely to leak the news is me!

Your insurance sounds pretty good. Although mine also covers GCS, it does not cover BA, my trachea shave, or any hair removal.

I have been bringing doughnuts in on occasion. Not nearly as good as home baked treats though!

New topic.  It's been bugging me for a while, and I've been having difficulty bringing it up.  I will warn, this can be a trigger topic for some, but I'm trying to be open.  I don't want to be guarded on any topic any more, as I find isolating myself is destructive.  This has to do with the drug use and party atmosphere that I do see represented in a segment of the trans culture.  It might be an age thing, maybe the youth are into that.  Or it might be a big city thing, where it might be more acceptable.  I'm not sure.  I do know it bothers me and I have a very hard time socializing with anyone that does drugs or finds it acceptable.  This includes marijuana.

Some back story I suppose.  I have an uncle that has been doing pot nearly all his life.  He's actually a nice person, but he lacks any kind of motivation to make something of himself.  It's caused grief in our family since he can't hold a job and literally has gone from couch to couch with many family members.  I tried pot myself in college and found I did like the sensation in the moment, but realized very early on this wasn't for me.  It slows my thought process down, and I do not want that.  I like to make fast connections and weird connections.  caffeine works very well for that, thank you.

Another example of my history with this is I had an old roommate that insisted her drug use was medicinal.  She ended up giving an edible to my dog in one of her high moments, which nearly killed him.  To this day, if I have a renter, I make sure that they know it's a drug free house, and that means all drugs, even medicinal now.

So back to present, at group on Thursday, one girl brought up how she only had one ecstacy pill left and she wanted to use it to unwind, and everybody was sure, of course, who wouldn't.  Um, no.  I know this group is also a tight group socially sharing numbers and meets for gaming nights, etc.  When the meeting was over, I could not stay.  I'm sure they wanted to also include me in their circle, but I couldn't do it.  This is not for me in the slightest.

I'm thinking of dropping this as a support group (I currently go to three), mainly because of this kind of thing.  The moderator let the drug use talk continue for like 25 minutes too, with no guidance, only acceptance.  Ugh, I don't want to be the one that's not showing acceptance, but some things are destructive.

Some of you might think I need to loosen up, which is true.  I'm up-tight, but also am fairly well put together and successful.  I can tell you part of what made me this way, is not only not partaking, but also not associating.

So the question is, am I being too up-tight?  I try to be nice, friendly, but I'm afraid I'm considered stuck-up, or elitist.  Quite the contrary, I want to associate with all kinds of trans girls, all ages and backgrounds, but do want to limit it to non destructive behavior.

Anyway, this is occupying a large portion of my thoughts this weekend.  I thought I'd share and see what you girls think.  Oh, and this is being typed on my computer, not my phone.  I'm hoping there is a lot less auto-correct nonsense in the text and grammar.

Bari Jo

I share your discomfort with drug use.  I certainly wouldn't permit illegal drug use in my house.  Although I have been around where pot was being used, it made me very uncomfortable and I didn't partake even when it was offered to me.  I find people's excessive "friendliness" when using to be a bit creepy.

So I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.  The support group that I go to is the only one in a large area, so I'd have to think carefully if people were using there.  I think I would distance myself from them and might even quit altogether.  Since you have several support groups to choose from, I can totally see wanting to drop out of that one.

Full disclosure: While I may be the only old hippie of my generation who has never tried pot, I might try it once, when it is legalized, just for curiosity.  I still don't like to be around other users, though.  I don't like being around drunks, either.

I really didn't see much pot use prior to moving to Texas in 2013.  While there I met some people who did it and Texas is not a 420 friendly State yet.

When I moved to Nevada, I was blown away by the dispensaries and the different kinds of pot.  Researching the medical benefits was interesting too.

Back in high school pot was pot and you smoked the dried leaves.  If you wanted something different you'd smoke hash oil or hashish and THC was the key.

Nowadays, there's THC and CBC with CBC being the medical help portion.

I quit smoking cigarettes the last day of December 2016 and have no desire to return to smoking, cigarettes or pot and witnessing people smoking pot and watching them cough worse than smoking is something else.

I believe that smoking in your own home is your own business.  I have noticed that some who smoke all the time seem to lose their motivation though.

Bari Jo, you're not being uptight, that's your position, and there is nothing wrong with defending it and living by it.
What happened to your dog was inexcusable, mistreatment or abuse of animals or children really angers me.

I'm an 'each to their own' person when it comes to use. I dabbled a little at university, but haven't used anything for a loooong time. I'm fine with others using, but that's just me [emoji5].

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I have never been a fan of legalized marijuana. I understand there are a few true medicinal uses, but making it legal for recreational use in my opinion was a huge mistake - and I live in Colorado. I have never used it, and I have no desire to ever use it. You are not being uptight, we should all be able to exist in a drug-free environment without having to make excuses or being self-conscious about it.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 21, 2018, 03:24:25 PM
I have never been a fan of legalized marijuana. I understand there are a few true medicinal uses, but making it legal for recreational use in my opinion was a huge mistake - and I live in Colorado. I have never used it, and I have no desire to ever use it. You are not being uptight, we should all be able to exist in a drug-free environment without having to make excuses or being self-conscious about it.

Ok 420 Deportation Police, go get Jessica and ship her off to Texas!

Just kidding.  Totally agree with your "be able to exist in a drug-free environment"  and I believe most laws that have been enacted require pot use to be in the privacy of your own home.

Personally, I think it should be legal everywhere.  The other day my daughter bought some at a local dispensary.  The pot was 15 bucks I think but the taxes were just as much as the cost for the pot.

I believe one day the federal government will make it legal and tax the crap out of it.

I understand that they do drug tests and check to see if someone has it in their system and that it stays in your system longer than lets say alcohol.

For me it's not the legality or illegality, it's the destructive behavior.  I know there are functional pot addicts, just like there are functional alcoholics.  I don't want to be around either, and find it odd that nothing was even mentioned about being destructive in a support group.  It's like the group condones it by omission.

I think I will drop this one.  I'm curious though, should I notify the moderator about the reason?

Bari Jo

Think it evolved into a debate type thread which probably would be moved?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion I'm sure you'll agree.  Imagine how boring it would be if we all liked and thought the same. :)

Quote from: Cali on January 21, 2018, 04:25:23 PM
Think it evolved into a debate type thread which probably would be moved?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion I'm sure you'll agree.  Imagine how boring it would be if we all liked and thought the same. :)

I really do not want this moved as it is part of what is making me Bari Jo and it is something that has given me serious thought during my transition.  I want to be able to see this in my thread years from now as part of my history.  That said, let's shelve debate and know that I respect everyone's opinion.

I will drop out of this group though.  I'm glad I'm in a fairly large area with lots of support groups.

Bari Jo

Just don't know.  Live & Let Live.  People's philosophies and beliefs can grab them so hard that they're not open to a different perspective.

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 21, 2018, 04:21:02 PM
I think I will drop this one.  I'm curious though, should I notify the moderator about the reason?

I think it would be helpful to tell the moderator.  They should know that assuming everyone is okay with it is a bad assumption and that some people find it alienating and unsupportive.

I'm cross posting mainly because this made me happy AND it's something I want in my history.  I love my new emotions.

I had a very nice phone call with my mom today.  We related well as mother and daughter, and discussed things like style, presenting and my love life.  By the end of the call she told me she loves me, and I told her I love her too.  Pre hrt, I never said that, it was always a me too, or talk with you later.  She thanked me and I think both of us teared up a little.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 21, 2018, 05:37:45 PM

I had a very nice phone call with my mom today.  We related well as mother and daughter, and discussed things like style, presenting and my love life.  By the end of the call she told me she loves me, and I told her I love her too.  Pre hrt, I never said that, it was always a me, too, or talk with you later.  She thanked me, andI think both of us teared up a little.

Bari Jo

That is so sweet!

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 21, 2018, 05:37:45 PM
I'm cross posting mainly because this made me happy AND it's something I want in my history.  I love my new emotions.

I had a very nice phone call with my mom today.  We related well as mother and daughter, and discussed things like style, presenting and my love life.  By the end of the call she told me she loves me, and I told her I love her too.  Pre hrt, I never said that, it was always a me, too, or talk with you later.  She thanked me, andI think both of us teared up a little.

Bari Jo

Nice

I don't think you're being uptight at all. I'm young and I live in a big city but I have never tried any drugs. Not pot or anything else people like. My dad has always been very anti drug. When my brother and I were younger he did random home drug tests on us both. He's seen a lot of really bad things that happened because of drugs. This past summer my dad was involved in a rave bust. He said a girl my age had died from ecstasy. Ecstasy raises your body temperature. She was high and didn't even know she was overheating and she literally cooked her brain. Then there is spice, a synthetic drug that's supposed to be synthetic pot. My dad has answered a few calls about someone totally out of their mind on spice. The most recent one was a 15 year old boy who was running in circles naked on his front lawn.

If someone wants to use drugs that's their choice. But I don't want to be around anyone who does. If anything my dad has impressed on me that even hanging around people who use drugs can have very unfortunate consequences for me even if I haven't used them myself. The biggest thing is how everyone in a car gets arrested if the cops find drugs in the car. That was enough for me. Being arrested would be horrible enough but being a pre operative trans woman would be horrifying.  They strip search anyone busted for drugs. What a nightmarish thought!

You're not being uptight at all, just being true to yourself and doing what's right for you.

I avoid drinkers and drug users for reasons of my own. I used to be a heavy, habitual one myself. I got sober three years ago and never want to go back.

Being around drug use makes me uncomfortable as well.

(Went ahead and preemptively edited out the rest of my long winded nonsense. Normally I avoid the topic altogether, was in a weird exhausted but not tired state of mind after getting home. ;D It wasn't anything negative or anything, I'm stuck in a pure school state of mind at the moment for some reason, as my ranting stats posts around the same time show.)

  :police:  Okay folks,  I have to weigh in here on the side of Susan's Place On the topic of marijuana use. The policy as set by Susan states..

QuoteHere is the policy on marijuana topics. Until it's no longer illegal to possess and use in the United States; irrespective of it's individual state status; it's a prohibited topic as there are specific web sites you can visit that specialize in that subject

I personally feel similar to Bari on the subject. But it is possible this discussion though not in support of it does discuss it's use. I will ask for a ruling on this discussion. Please refrain from further discussion until a ruling is made.

Laurie
Global Moderator
Laurie@susans.org

I don't even really like alcohol anymore. Never used drugs. I think only you can decide what's best for you Bari Jo. I remember when alcohol used to numb my feelings and felt like an escape from reality. Now I face it. :)

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 :police:

I have had a rough day in a week from hell but I shall try to not let that influence me.

This is not a blog but it is a thread that Bari Jo started and writes her experiences in. People are free to comment. Bari Jo asked for debate on a topic to be dropped. I would expect that any civilised person would have the courtesy to do so.

I most certainly expect that any one in this Forum and who has been through and is going through the the lives that we are dealing with would do so.

Cindy

That's a fair cop as they say in Monty Python.  My sister came by for her monthly week at my place last night.  She gave me her Xmas gift too, which is some MAC cosmetics which I would never buy for myself and a sweater.  The sweater was wonderfully soft and just slightly girly.  I'm not sure if it's too tight. she says it's perfect.  I took it off and it's a size six.  I'm 5'6.5" and weigh 150.  Am I a size six?  I don't know enough on girls sizes, but I thought I'd be at minimum a size 8.  I think maybe she was just being nice.

Bari Jo

Don't fret about sizes.  I'm anywhere from an 8 to a 12, depending on the garment.  The size number is just a first approximation.  The only way to know if it fits is to try it on and see how it looks.

Still nothing from HR.  Its pike a black hole.  You'd think any email that mentioned being transgender would get their interest.  Argh, waiting game.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 23, 2018, 08:28:01 PM
Still nothing from HR.  Its pike a black hole.  You'd think any email that mentioned being transgender would get their interest.  Argh, waiting game.

Bari Jo

Too bad your e-mail didn't have an acknowledgement, e-mail read type of function you could have used to ensure it was read.

Nothing new from HR, but I do have some updates worth saying.  Since my last Spiro lowering, I feel myself getting impatient.  I don't like it one bit.  On the other hand, my sister had a long talk about me with my dad last night.  One of the things that came up with is my impatience now is almost gone.  I seem calm and happy to them. I still think I may ask my doctor to increase Spiro.  My next labs are in four weeks, don't think I can hold out till then.

Tonight I am getting my eyebrows threaded.  My sister is also going to tell me about the whole talk with my dad.  I'm looking forward to it and dreading it.  I've noticed Dad is having a hard time relating to me.  Relearning is tough on the family.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 25, 2018, 10:24:55 AM
Nothing new from HR, but I do have some updates worth saying.  Since my last Spiro lowering, I feel myself getting impatient.  I don't like it one bit.  On the other hand, my sister had a long talk about me with my dad last night.  One of the things that came up with is my impatience now is almost gone.  I seem calm and happy to them. I still think I may ask my doctor to increase Spiro.  My next labs are in four weeks, don't think I can hold out till then.

Tonight I am getting my eyebrows threaded.  My sister is also going to tell me about the whole talk with my dad.  I'm looking forward to it and dreading it.  I've noticed Dad is having a hard time relating to me.  Relearning is tough on the family.

Bari Jo

Impatience was a problem I had before starting HT.  I am much more likely to take my time instead of rushing around trying to get 20 things done in the time it's takes to do 10. 

Let us know how your threading goes...I'm definitely interested.

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 25, 2018, 10:24:55 AM
I've noticed Dad is having a hard time relating to me.  Relearning is tough on the family.

That's one upside to never having really related to my dad in the first place I suppose.

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 25, 2018, 10:24:55 AM
Nothing new from HR, but I do have some updates worth saying.  Since my last Spiro lowering, I feel myself getting impatient.  I don't like it one bit.  On the other hand, my sister had a long talk about me with my dad last night.  One of the things that came up with is my impatience now is almost gone.  I seem calm and happy to them. I still think I may ask my doctor to increase Spiro.  My next labs are in four weeks, don't think I can hold out till then.

Tonight I am getting my eyebrows threaded.  My sister is also going to tell me about the whole talk with my dad.  I'm looking forward to it and dreading it.  I've noticed Dad is having a hard time relating to me.  Relearning is tough on the family.

Bari Jo

I think there is an expectation from us, that when we take a big step (coming out etc..) that things will pick up speed. The reality is that they can often slow back down again for a while. Don't feel negative about this, it'll give you and your family time to acclimatise to this new reality. Give your dad time and space to adjust. X

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I just got back from the first sister outing.  We got my eyebrows threaded, had dinner and did some window shopping.  I'm amazed how completely at ease my sister is with this.  She's more comfortable than I am.  My brows look great too.

While waiting to get my brows done my sister related the full conversation with my dad.  He is fully accepting the science of my being trans.  He thinks chemically it was known from before I was born.  The amniocentesis showed the wrong gender both times tested.  He retold that story to my sister.  My sister brought up some of my most painful moments growing up to him and he was nearly in tears.  So my dad is accepting.  I think he will be supportive eventually too.

One of those moments was right when I was getting braces.  The dentist told me how tall I would be based on my X-ray's.  Keep in mind I was a short kid with gender issues internally and repressing hard.  I was then told that I would be a nice height for a girl, but short for a boy.  It was like god was even conspiring against me.  I cried for weeks.  That's one of my worst GD moments.  I'm glad my dad can empathize with me.

Bari Jo

I might as well relate my threading experience too.  I did it at the mall, just after work.  My sister came with me to watch and encourage me.  I used my avatar picture for guidance.  The girl threading it, looked at it and said this will be easy you already have that shape.  I asked her to accentuate the arch and to make it thin like the picture.  This was my first time and didn't know what to expect.  She had me stretch my skin while she did the magic.  she placed my hands where she wanted me to stretch.  I was not expecting the pain, it does hurt a bit.  being the first time I kept thinking I'm going to be bleeding.  nope I was fine.  I did break out into a sweat, which made her laugh.  then the pain was causing me to giggle, which is a defence mechanism of mine.  by the end, it looks exactly like my avatar eyebrows.  I'm very happy with the results.  everybody at work today will be able to see them too, since I forgot my glasses:)

Bari Jo

Awesome,  thank you for sharing, nice cleanly shaped brows are a quick and easy way to feminise the face!
I get mine done every 4-5 weeks with a bit of plucking in between to keep down the new growth. Like so many of these things, the pain just becomes part of the deal! X

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Quote from: Bari Jo on January 26, 2018, 01:12:16 AM
I just got back from the first sister outing.  We got my eyebrows threaded, had dinner and did some window shopping.  I'm amazed how completely at ease my sister is with this.  She's more comfortable than I am.  My brows look great too.

While waiting to get my brows done my sister related the full conversation with my dad.  He is fully accepting the science of my being trans.  He thinks chemically it was known from before I was born.  The amniocentesis showed the wrong gender both times tested.  He retold that story to my sister.  My sister brought up some of my most painful moments growing up to him and he was nearly in tears.  So my dad is accepting.  I think he will be supportive eventually too.

One of those moments was right when I was getting braces.  The dentist told me how tall I would be based on my X-ray's.  Keep in mind I was a short kid with gender issues internally and repressing hard.  I was then told that I would be a nice height for a girl, but short for a boy.  It was like god was even conspiring against me.  I cried for weeks.  That's one of my worst GD moments.  I'm glad my dad can empathize with me.

Bari Jo

I wish my sister was just a teensy bit older so I could have that experience too, it sounds amazing. (My sister is only 17, so regardless of being extremely supportive and loving, is still a teenager who doesn't want to be seen with family in public too often. ;D)

I'm so happy your dad is coming along!

(And you gotta post a picture with brows done soon! ;D)

  Congrats on  the outing and the threading Bari Jo. When I had mine done I didn't think it was painful at all. It probably because I don't have that much to work with. I just abhor the thought of looking like my brows were drawn on so I'll make do with what little I have.
  I agree with the other that urge you to give Dad some more time and I believe he will come round just as you want him to. The bond between a parent and their child is a strong one unless some terrible things happened to loosen it. I doubt you will have to worry about that.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I'm so happy you are able to bond as sisters with your sibling!  It does appear you do have acceptance from your family!
I'm think of asking my daughter in law to shape my brows.  She does not know of my transition, but I think she would be open to it.

Jessica Marie

Thanks everybody, Wow this journey is just wild.

Ellie: you will get those moments.  My sister asked me to do her nails since I am better at it than she is.  That's a little bonding activity you can do in the house.  The next outing she wants to go clothes shopping.  She says my style needs help!  I don't think I will be posting any picts till my facial hair is cleared.  I am having a bad time dealing with picts and the mirror, waiting till then.

Laurie: Yes!  I'm so happy they are accepting. I fully expect by next Xmas I will be out to the rest of the family, and it will go fine.  My family are mainly doctors and lawyers with the occasional artist in there.  The only one I was worried about is my dad, and it's going okay.  I'm truly blessed.  I know many families do not have this result.  Indeed if my older sister was still alive she would spite me and launch some kind of campaign to exclude me from the family.  Yes, she really was that awful

Jessica/Megan:  I encourage you to do as Megan and I are.  Threading is not expensive $15 at the shop I went to with tip.  It's fast too.  If your daughter in law does threading by all means go to her.  If she doesn't, bring her for guidance and morale.

Bari Jo

And at 6:00 I got a meeting maker scheduled for Tuesday from HR.  Great, now I won't be able to sleep all weekend.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 26, 2018, 08:47:30 PM
And at 6:00 I got a meeting maker scheduled for Tuesday from HR.  Great, now I won't be able to sleep all weekend.

Bari Jo

50/50 - 50 Good for you!  50 Not so good on not being able to sleep for the next three days :(

I had cocktails at my gallery tonight with my neighbors.  I was able to show off all the hard work I've done.  It was super fun, full bar, plus I was the hostess.  I wasn't presenting beyond androgynous, but I did come out to one neighbors.  This neighbor works at my local lgbt center.  I knew I would have to eventually, so why not now.  I think one more of these and I might come out to more of my neighbors. We are really a tight warm community.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 27, 2018, 01:40:44 AM
I had cocktails at my gallery tonight with my neighbors.  I was able to show off all the hard work I've done.  It was super fun, full bar, plus I was the hostess.  I wasn't presenting beyond androgynous, but I did come out to one neighbors.  This neighbor works at my local lgbt center.  I knew I would have to eventually, so why not now.  I think one more of these and I might come out to more of my neighbors. We are really a tight warm community.

Bari Jo

Awesome, glad it went well. But there is a glaring problem with this situation; there were cocktails but I didn't get an invite! It must have have got lost in the mail! [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

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Quote from: Megan. on January 27, 2018, 02:42:39 AM
Awesome, glad it went well. But there is a glaring problem with this situation; there were cocktails but I didn't get an invite! It must have have got lost in the mail! [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Aww, please don't feel excluded.  I want all my trans friends to know you have a standing invite.  You must like big fluffy poodles though!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 27, 2018, 05:25:52 AM
Aww, please don't feel excluded.  I want all my trans friends to know you have a standing invite.  You must like big fluffy poodles though!

Bari Jo

I like to dress as a poodle if that helps, but I keep that for Wednesdays [emoji16]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: Megan. on January 27, 2018, 06:05:57 AM
I like to dress as a poodle if that helps, but I keep that for Wednesdays [emoji16]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Arggggg, german shepherd here......................

Quote from: Cassi on January 27, 2018, 09:05:34 AM
Arggggg, german shepherd here......................

You dress as a german shepherd???   ;)

Quote from: AnneK on January 27, 2018, 02:40:15 PM
You dress as a german shepherd???   ;)

She doesn't mean the dog either. She puts on lederhosen and carries around a crook.

Quote from: Roll on January 27, 2018, 03:01:52 PM
She doesn't mean the dog either. She puts on lederhosen and carries around a crook.

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

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Quote from: Roll on January 27, 2018, 03:01:52 PM
She doesn't mean the dog either. She puts on lederhosen and carries around a crook.

Yes, Elli is right. Just picture a 5' 7 1/2" inch tall blond in a leather bitching and that's me.

Quote from: Cassi on January 27, 2018, 04:45:11 PM
Yes, Elli is right. Just picture a 5' 7 1/2" inch tall blond in a leather bitching and that's me.

This is now how I will forever see you in my mind.  Thanks Ellie!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 27, 2018, 06:25:03 PM
This is now how I will forever see you in my mind.  Thanks Ellie!

Bari Jo

Giddy up little dawggie :)

Semi random thought.  I used to guage my happiness, by what I accomplished.  This nearly always would be work related.  Lately I'm noticing I'm happy also by mastering something in my transition.  Like when I found my favourite socks, learned to paint my nails correctly, brushing my hair, crossing my legs. When I catch myself doing any of these on a hundred others. I'm super happy.

I certainly found reassurance as I built some of those feminine skills, and also some frustration as I also failed to master others.
It is very fair to say that many women are not masters at makeup or self grooming; so if you enjoy it great, but don't hold yourself to unreachable standards either. X

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Quote from: Megan. on January 28, 2018, 02:57:55 AM
I certainly found reassurance as I built some of those feminine skills, and also some frustration as I also failed to master others.
It is very fair to say that many women are not masters at makeup or self grooming; so if you enjoy it great, but don't hold yourself to unreachable standards either. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Hah, I know exactly what you mean.  I've always lived by raising the bar continuously.  Right now the bar is pretty low on the Bari Jo feminine scale, but it'll get a little bit higher each time I raise it with some new skill.

This would be a good name for a transition blog, "Raising The Bar".

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 28, 2018, 08:17:40 AM
Hah, I know exactly what you mean.  I've always lived by raising the bar continuously.  Right now Tue bar is pretty low on the Bari Jo feminine scale, but it'll get a little bit higher each time I raise it with some new skill.

This would be a good name for a transition blog, "Raising The Bar".

I have no reservations, so I have to wait at the bar.

Stephanie

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 27, 2018, 06:25:03 PM
This is now how I will forever see you in my mind.  Thanks Ellie!

Bari Jo

How are you sleeping?

Quote from: Cassi on January 28, 2018, 10:26:17 AM
How are you sleeping?

Actually sleeping okay, thanks for asking.  HR did send an e-mail thanking me for including them on my journey, and they have scheduled a meeting to check-in and discuss.  I have the feeling my company has been through this many times already so they know how to handle everything.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 28, 2018, 12:56:49 PM
Actually sleeping okay, thanks for asking.  HR did send an e-mail thanking me for including them on my journey, and they have scheduled a meeting to check-in and discuss.  I have the feeling my company has been through this many times already so they know how to handle everything.

Bari Jo

Glad to hear it :)

I had lunch with my dad today.  It was food he loves, bbq, at a restaurant he's never been to.  He was really happy with the food, and in a great mood.  I was able to discuss "my problem", which he in turn asked why do I call it my problem, and we had a discussion on that.  He's trying.  I was near tears many times, especially after I dropped him off.  That lunch and discussion meant a lot to me.  He's really trying.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 28, 2018, 04:33:19 PM
I had lunch with my dad today.  It was food he loves, bbq, at a restaurant he's never been to.  He was really happy with the food, and in a great mood.  I was able to discuss "my problem", which he in turn asked why do I call it my problem, and we had a discussion on that.  He's trying.  I was near tears many times, especially after I dropped him off.  That lunch and discussion meant a lot to me.  He's really trying.

Bari Jo

Touching to hear hun, I'm glad your dad is obviously working on processing things and supporting you. X

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Quote from: Bari Jo on January 28, 2018, 04:33:19 PM
I had lunch with my dad today.  It was food he loves, bbq, at a restaurant he's never been to.  He was really happy with the food, and in a great mood.  I was able to discuss "my problem", which he in turn asked why do I call it my problem, and we had a discussion on that.  He's trying.  I was near tears many times, especially after I dropped him off.  That lunch and discussion meant a lot to me.  He's really trying.

Bari Jo

That makes my day. :)

Today was the day I met with HR.  I thought I'd feel weird about it, but I wasn't.  I thought for sure it would feel like I was watching it happen, but no.  I was in the moment and talked about presenting as female, using the bathrooms, going to doctors.  Speaking of.  I have been trying to work four days a week, 10 hour days.  My company won't do it, since I'd be paid overtime those days.  However they will allow me to work from home one day a week, and have me set those hours.  So that means I can have my doctors appts in the afternoons and not really miss any work since I'll start my day early in the mornings.  This means more electrolysis weekly, Yay!  I was asked about my preferred name, and they will help with name change when I want it.  I was surprised there wasn't a transition guide, since we do have 150,000 employees.  They said they would create one for my transition.  I feel fine abiut it, but also feel there's so much to do.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 30, 2018, 02:15:50 PM
Today was the day I met with HR.  I thought I'd feel weird about it, but I wasn't.  I thought for sure it would feel like I was watching it happen, but no.  I was in the moment and talked about presenting as female, using the bathrooms, going to doctors.  Speaking of.  I have been trying to work four days a week, 10 hour days.  My company won't do it, since I'd be paid overtime those days.  However they will allow me to work from home one day a week, and have me set those hours.  So that means I can have my doctors appts in the afternoons and not really miss any work since I'll start my day early in the mornings.  This means more electrolysis weekly, Yay!  I was asked about my preferred name, and they will help with name change when I want it.  I was surprised there wasn't a transition guide, since we do have 150,000 employees.  They said they would create one for my transition.  I feel fine abiut it, but also feel there's so much to do.

Bari Jo

Wow! I don't see how it could have gone much better. Congratulations!


- Stephanie

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 30, 2018, 02:15:50 PM
Today was the day I met with HR.

That is excellent, Bari Jo!  I am glad it went so well for you.  Surprising that a company that big didn't have a policy in place, but perhaps you will have a chance to influence the new policy they develop.

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 30, 2018, 02:15:50 PM
Today was the day I met with HR.  I thought I'd feel weird about it, but I wasn't.  I thought for sure it would feel like I was watching it happen, but no.  I was in the moment and talked about presenting as female, using the bathrooms, going to doctors.  Speaking of.  I have been trying to work four days a week, 10 hour days.  My company won't do it, since I'd be paid overtime those days.  However they will allow me to work from home one day a week, and have me set those hours.  So that means I can have my doctors appts in the afternoons and not really miss any work since I'll start my day early in the mornings.  This means more electrolysis weekly, Yay!  I was asked about my preferred name, and they will help with name change when I want it.  I was surprised there wasn't a transition guide, since we do have 150,000 employees.  They said they would create one for my transition.  I feel fine abiut it, but also feel there's so much to do.

Bari Jo

Good for you Girl!

Hi Bari Jo,

  I just caught back up on your thread. That lunch with Dad was awesome. I'm sure he will make progress himself with accepting you fully and become comfortable with your transition. I've heard it put that for a parent to fully accept somthing like this in a child they must first have time to grieve their loss of the child the raised. It will take some time to do that but he is trying as you said. Just feel the joy in that Bari.

  The HR meeting also sounds like it went as well as you could expect. Cheers.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I got to thinking today if how far I've come.  It's been only about six months since really accepting myself.  I've come so far yet have so far to go.  It doesn't seem as scary any more although I still am terrified of not passing.  My next big leap in transition will be going to get my hairline restored.  That date cannot come fast enough.  Till then I'm working on mannerisms, which I think I might be close, or at least giving off a scared and vulnerable vibe.  I kind of like it and the attention I've gotten.  It's happened a couple times but the latest was yesterday.  I was in line at the post office and I forgot the address of where I was sending a package. So, I stepped out and texted my sister and had her find it for me while I waited.  I had two men come try and help me.  Then just befire I got the address a grandmother came up and told me "sweetie don't be afraid to go to the counter."  I was high from being coddled.  I felt like a lost little girl and these adults will help me.  What a great feeling.

Anyway, I'm going to work on that.  I know confidence is key to passing, but dang if this wasn't something too.

Bari Jo

  Bari Jo,

  I will agree with you that the incident you related was confirming. If if had been me I might have gotten some young man to assist the old lady across the street. But they don't raise youngins to do things like that these days. They did in mine. I guess I've earned the old lady status. No I guess not really old yes but that's all I can claim.
(Sigh)

Laurie

I am continuing to push the boundaries at work. Here's my latest.  I had a baking weekend a few weekends ago where I asked them which they'd rather me, bring in for the team.  This is the second time, and the second time using my name.  Nobody has said anything about the name.  What am I chopped liver?

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/jsf2bb9nmxhybof/your%20choice%20part%20deux.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 31, 2018, 05:20:15 PM
I am continuing to push the boundaries at work. Here's my latest.  I had a baking weekend a few weekends ago where I asked them which they'd rather me, bring in for the team.  This is the second time, and the second time using my name.  Nobody has said anything about the name.  What am I chopped liver?

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/jsf2bb9nmxhybof/your%20choice%20part%20deux.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Mmmm... that Green Tea Matcha Cake looks pretty good.....

Ooo yummy,  good effort hun. X

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Oh wow. I would love to have the recipe for that green tea cake. I brought baked goods to work one year for the holidays. I don't know what happens to people at work when it comes to baked goods. They ended up accusing each other of hoarding cookies and I almost got my arm gnawed off when I tried to get my cookie tin back. I thought it was empty but it still had two cookies in it. What a bunch of animals! It's like they never ate before!

Quote from: Julia1996 on February 01, 2018, 07:53:50 AM
Oh wow. I would love to have the recipe for that green tea cake. I brought baked goods to work one year for the holidays. I don't know what happens to people at work when it comes to baked goods. They ended up accusing each other of hoarding cookies and I almost got my arm gnawed off when I tried to get my cookie tin back. I thought it was empty but it still had two cookies in it. What a bunch of animals! It's like they never ate before!

Here's how my wife and I fix that. It slows them down a little. [emoji12]

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180201/4fb352be89a08b92a49fdbc0e7247ddc.jpg)

Stephanie

Quote from: Julia1996 on February 01, 2018, 07:53:50 AM
Oh wow. I would love to have the recipe for that green tea cake. I brought baked goods to work one year for the holidays. I don't know what happens to people at work when it comes to baked goods. They ended up accusing each other of hoarding cookies and I almost got my arm gnawed off when I tried to get my cookie tin back. I thought it was empty but it still had two cookies in it. What a bunch of animals! It's like they never ate before!

Don't get between me and cake / cookies / pie! You take your life into your own hands if you do.  :D
We almost always have cheaper store-bought snacks around my work (left overs from story time & our adult coloring group). When someone brings something fresh baked, it's devoured in moments (not just by me!).

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 07:58:29 AM
Here's how my wife and I fix that. It slows them down a little. [emoji12]

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180201/4fb352be89a08b92a49fdbc0e7247ddc.jpg)

Stephanie

OMG, I need that!!

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 07:58:29 AM
Here's how my wife and I fix that. It slows them down a little. [emoji12]

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180201/4fb352be89a08b92a49fdbc0e7247ddc.jpg)

Stephanie

That's hilarious. But I doubt even that would deter my coworkers. When it comes to something homemade they are like a pack of piranhas.

Quote from: Julia1996 on February 01, 2018, 07:53:50 AM
Oh wow. I would love to have the recipe for that green tea cake. I brought baked goods to work one year for the holidays. I don't know what happens to people at work when it comes to baked goods. They ended up accusing each other of hoarding cookies and I almost got my arm gnawed off when I tried to get my cookie tin back. I thought it was empty but it still had two cookies in it. What a bunch of animals! It's like they never ate before!

Here's the recipe I'm trying.  It's way easier than the sesame too.  Both of these are made in a rice cooker!

https://zairyo.sg/blogs/recipes/lazy-recipe-matcha-rice-cooker-cake-recipe

Yes, I love the way people get with home baked goods.

Bari Jo

So, some good news even though it's kind of silly and unscientific.  I was looking at another person's thread and they posted a pict from how-old.net and it showed female.  So I decided to test my picture and it came up as female.  So then I backtracked picture by picture to find the picture that the software starts to identify me as female.  It looks like it started happening Dec 3.  I personally still see the boy in every mirror and picture, but gives me a little confidence that something is happening.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 01, 2018, 03:20:15 PM
So, some good news even though it's kind of silly and unscientific.  I was looking at another person's thread and they posted a pict from how-old.net and it showed female.  So I decided to test my picture and it came up as female.  So then I backtracked picture by picture to find the picture that the software starts to identify me as female.  It looks like it started happening Dec 3.  I personally still see the boy in every mirror and picture, but gives me a little confidence that something is happening.

Bari Jo

Okay, so... I just tried how-old.net, and I have to say. I'm a little impressed. It pegged my guy pictures almost perfectly (was always about a year on either side, male). Which made me happy when it was pegging my other pictures as female, but around 25-29! Well, except for one blonde photo. That said I was 7. Not sure what the deal is there.

That's uncanny.  it pegged the male selfie at 65 (I was 62), and my recent selfies at 38-42.  I'm 64.   

Wow.  It must be the new highlighter...


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Quote from: Michelle_P on February 01, 2018, 04:06:43 PM
That's uncanny.  it pegged the male selfie at 65 (I was 62), and my recent selfies at 38-42.  I'm 64.   

Wow.  It must be the new highlighter...

I should not have gone there. 80% of them are coming back male. Sigh.

Well, that's interesting.  It gets my gender right, but is not particularly close on the age.

Age  Presentation  Result
59      male        46 male
62      male        47 male
63      female     42 female
63      female      45 female

I guess I'm happy about that,  It least the error is in the right direction.

Quote from: Michelle_P on February 01, 2018, 04:06:43 PM
That's uncanny.  it pegged the male selfie at 65 (I was 62), and my recent selfies at 38-42.  I'm 64.   

Wow.  It must be the new highlighter...


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Maybe they are just nicer to the females?

My 10 years ago male pic got tagged male age 76.  My one month ago got female 29. 
That's younger than my kids. 

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Quote from: Bari Jo on February 01, 2018, 03:20:15 PM
So, some good news even though it's kind of silly and unscientific.  I was looking at another person's thread and they posted a pict from how-old.net and it showed female.  So I decided to test my picture and it came up as female.  So then I backtracked picture by picture to find the picture that the software starts to identify me as female.  It looks like it started happening Dec 3.  I personally still see the boy in every mirror and picture, but gives me a little confidence that something is happening.

Bari Jo

That site is cool. It got my age right as well as my boyfriend and brother. It didn't get my dad's age right though. It pegged him for 35. Lol. He will totally love that.

Interesting app, but very variable., Pictures with me looking grim faced have me at aged 45 and 48. Where pictures of me beaming have me at 75. I am definitely not that old!
JudithLynn

Very cool! Isn't it amazing what transformation you have been going through in such a short time?

Not sure how good the algorithm really works, I got everything from 36 to 76... Gender started to get correct at about 6 month HRT for me...

I have the same conception btw, I do see a girl much more frequently in the mirror but as often i do still see my old male. At least I am looking in the mirror again, something I have pretty much avoided for years...

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 01, 2018, 03:20:15 PM
So, some good news even though it's kind of silly and unscientific.  I was looking at another person's thread and they posted a pict from how-old.net and it showed female.  So I decided to test my picture and it came up as female.  So then I backtracked picture by picture to find the picture that the software starts to identify me as female.  It looks like it started happening Dec 3.  I personally still see the boy in every mirror and picture, but gives me a little confidence that something is happening.

Bari Jo

Well, my before pic was the only one that was tagged male. Every other one was female. Ages bounced all over, starting way too low & getting higher, then lowering back down (my current avatar showed 35 - Thank you!).

That website is fun, but let's shelve discussion on that here.  I remember the discomfort I had after my FFS thread and then I had a very hard time to follow the faceapp thread, and that was my thread!  I've had some recent picts that result in male anyway, so yeah, don't want to be reminded.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 02, 2018, 12:46:48 AM
That website is fun, but let's shelve discussion on that here.  I remember the discomfort I had after my FFS thread and then I had a very hard time to follow the faceapp thread, and that was my thread!  I've had some recent picts that result in male anyway, so yeah, don't want to be reminded.

Bari Jo

Sorry for contributing to that.  I read everything in one stream and I need to pay better attention to who and what I'm responding to where I'm posting things.

Mea culpa.



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Quote from: TonyaW on February 02, 2018, 09:50:55 AM
Sorry for contributing to that.  I read everything in one stream and I need to pay better attention to who and what I'm responding to where I'm posting things.

No apologies necessary, but you are sweet for doing so.  We all got excited by something affirming.  I think if somebody wants to continue it in the "passing" category they can.

Last night at group I recounted my HR meeting.  Everybody was congratulating and smiling.  I'm still having a hard time with it.  I'm not sure if I talked about this topic here.  Everybody I meet that learns of my transition has been smiling, and happy as if they want to share my joy.  I'm kind of weirded out by it.  Should I feel joy in this?  I feel I need to tell them that to me it's not joyful, but a necessity.  If I start though it just brings up painful memories in my mind and I get tearful.  I'm learning to say "thank you" at these moments.  I'm not sure what I'm expected to do, or if I can do what is expected.  Trying to conform feels fake to me now too.  Do I need more therapy?  Probably.

Bari Jo

Tonight a neighbor pushed and pushed about me.  She kept commenting on my face and how happy I am.  She said, whatever I'm doing the wants it too.  After a while I just told her the change is from accepting myself.  She said she knew it had to be something like that.  We stayed and talked a bit.  She doesn't know I'm trans, just that I accepted myself.  The thing for me though, this time saying I accepted myself didn't feel weird at all.  Maybe I've turned a mental corner

Bari Jo

  The story of your neighbor sounds encouraging Bari Jo. You may have another on your side when you do tell her. And as for the accepting yourself maybe you have turned that corner. I hope that is the case. Perhaps I'll be able to think that thought myself someday. It could happen you know. In the meantime I'll be content celebrating it with you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 02, 2018, 10:05:59 AM
No apologies necessary, but you are sweet for doing so.  We all got excited by something affirming.  I think if somebody wants to continue it in the "passing" category they can.

Last night at group I recounted my HR meeting.  Everybody was congratulating and smiling.  I'm still having a hard time with it.  I'm not sure if I talked about this topic here.  Everybody I meet that learns of my transition has been smiling, and happy as if they want to share my joy.  I'm kind of weirded out by it.  Should I feel joy in this?  I feel I need to tell them that to me it's not joyful, but a necessity.  If I start though it just brings up painful memories in my mind and I get tearful.  I'm learning to say "thank you" at these moments.  I'm not sure what I'm expected to do, or if I can do what is expected.  Trying to conform feels fake to me now too.  Do I need more therapy?  Probably.

Bari Jo

You have no idea I feel the same way! It's really crazy for me. People are happy and excited but I don't feel that way with them. I trust that they do feel that way I guess. It's the reason I don't tell anyone anymore. Kinda makes me question myself, like am I really that messed up?

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A while ago I mentioned I was going to tell a couple neighbors about me.  I've now done that.  One neighbor treats me exactly the same.  She's the therapist.  She's been asking all kinds of questions to figure out my Meyers Briggs profile, funny to watch.  I eventually just told her.  I like this neighbor a lot (as a friend).  She's probably my favorite one.  We talk like girlfriends and fellow artists together.  The other neighbor is the one that works at the lgbt center.  This one asked me guidelines on how to talk with neighbors if they ask about me.  I said to have them talk with me.  Since then one came up and started commenting on how happy I am and how great I look.  After a bit more prodding I told her I had accepted myself.  Her daughter is part of the lgbt community, so I knew she'd be safe.  Then the next day another neighbor did the exact same thing, almost same verbage.  This neighbor I don't get along with.  Out of 108 units here, there's only two that I don't get along with.  Anyway, I did not come out to her and I had a sit down with the lgbt center neighbor to amend the guidelines to also include thinking of me.  Ask the neighbor if they ask about me, if I'm transitioning, what they think about it if I was.  And also to only send them to me if they already talk with me civily.  I was so surprised to hear these words coming from a neighbor that I don't get along with.  It's like she was coached on how to talk with me, Sheesh.  I feel weird.

Bari Jo

Congrats! Overall the coming out to neighbors seems to have gone pretty well! Little odd that people who should know need some additional guidelines.

I was so super nervous when I started telling my neighbors. We are a very tight neighborhood and we have been afraid to lose some great friends over it. Turned out to be no problem and I could finally stop changing every time I went outside.

Hope all your neighbors turn out to be as accepting as mine, but it seems like you got lucky. It will take a few days until the dust settles...

Quote from: sarah1972 on February 04, 2018, 08:00:15 PM
Congrats! Overall the coming out to neighbors seems to have gone pretty well! Little odd that people who should know need some additional guidelines.

I was so super nervous when I started telling my neighbors. We are a very tight neighborhood and we have been afraid to lose some great friends over it. Turned out to be no problem and I could finally stop changing every time I went outside.

Hope all your neighbors turn out to be as accepting as mine, but it seems like you got lucky. It will take a few days until the dust settles...

Thanks Sarah.  I think it will go fine with my neighbors.  I wanted to control the speed of the message and content, but I'm along for the ride myself:)

Bari Jo

I feel like I'm at a turning point of acceptance.  I'm starting to feel more like Bari Jo, less like my old self.  When people notice anything, like my painted nails I just say yes, I love them.  I'm starting to see myself in the mirror too.  Growing out your hair does wonders.  I havent had longer hair in quite sometime.  Hrt and biotin and good care has made it grow nicely with a little curl.  I've only had straight hair before.  Dare I say cute?  I'm still not comfortable enough with myself to post an actual picture of myself as my avatar.  I'll get there though.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 05, 2018, 11:53:33 PM
I feel like I'm at a turning point of acceptance.  I'm starting to feel more like Bari Jo, less like my old self.  When people notice anything, like my painted nails I just say yes, I love them.  I'm starting to see myself in the mirror too.  Growing out your hair does wonders.  I havent had longer hair in quite sometime.  Hrt and biotin and good care has made it grow nicely with a little curl.  I've only had straight hair before.  Dare I say cute?  I'm still not comfortable enough with myself to post an actual picture of myself as my avatar.  I'll get there though.

Bari Jo

So happy for you that you are able to see your self more and more!! I knew you'd be a cutie. ;D

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 05, 2018, 11:53:33 PM
I feel like I'm at a turning point of acceptance.  I'm starting to feel more like Bari Jo, less like my old self.  When people notice anything, like my painted nails I just say yes, I love them.  I'm starting to see myself in the mirror too.  Growing out your hair does wonders.  I havent had longer hair in quite sometime.  Hrt and biotin and good care has made it grow nicely with a little curl.  I've only had straight hair before.  Dare I say cute?  I'm still not comfortable enough with myself to post an actual picture of myself as my avatar.  I'll get there though.

Bari Jo

Yes!! My curls (and frizz) are coming through now too and it is cute [emoji4] I feel like small triumphs like this are so important along the way. There's no denying changes are happening!

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Thanks Allison and Ellie, I really am starting to feel better, less angry at myself and accepting, even a bit happy.

I have a new mention.  My cousin who is my genetic half sister (our dads are identical twins) is visiting my sister.  I just came out to her this morning so when they do talk about me they will both be on the same page. Her response was the first one I've experience like this.  She said she's been waiting FOREVER for me to come out with this.  I asked if she thought I was gay or trans.  She said trans and she thought I was trans as soon as I was born.  Wow I had a trans vibe that somebody saw.  I'm not sure why but that makes me feel good.  Today is a good day for Bari Jo.

Bari Jo

I'm starting to realize I may have a female best friend.  She's the therapist I mentioned earlier.  I look forward to talking with her everyday after work and she always comes out when she sees me.  She also knows about me so I can talk about girly stuff and I love it.  Today's conversations were about boots and bags.  I want to cultivate this and encourage more of it.  It's helping me be happy and grow as a person.

Bari Jo

Hmm, I'm experimenting with makeup.  The beard is still too thick, but I'm getting closer to swapping my avatar.  I can't wait to restore my hairline!

Bari Jo

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/u9sc9dpq129g7qh/PrettyMakeup_20182105349534.png?raw=1)

What do you think?  I updated the picts with one with a better smile.  Wow a smile really helps.

Looking good sis! Well on your way to a cute pixie bob. Also evious of your immaculate eyeliner, it's my kryptonite! Lol

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Quote from: Megan. on February 10, 2018, 01:08:04 AM
Looking good sis! Well on your way to a cute pixie bob. Also evious of your immaculate eyeliner, it's my kryptonite! Lol

You said my magic word.  I always wanted to be a pixie:)  I'm no genius with eyeliner.  I actually use very little and blend it in.  Every time I try and push the makeup for glamour I fail miserably.  I only do subtle subtle subtle now!
OMG your hair is so long.  So jealous.  Did that take years?

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 10, 2018, 07:56:13 AM
You said my magic word.  I always wanted to be a pixie:)  I'm no genius with eyeliner.  I actually use very little and bed it in.  Every time I try and push the makeup for glamour I fail miserably.  I only do subtle subtle subtle now!
OMG your hair is so long.  So jealous.  Did that take years?

Bari Jo

I do minimal makeup, my new avatar is no makeup,  just tinted lashes and brows. For work I put on some foundation,  a little blusher and lipstick,  that's it, never more. [emoji5]

It's been 22 months since they shaved my head for the transplants. I get it cut every 6 weeks,  but usually only triming the ends.

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Quote from: Bari Jo on February 10, 2018, 01:05:03 AM
Hmm, I'm experimenting with makeup.  The beard is still too thick, but I'm getting closer to swapping my avatar.  I can't wait to restore my hairline!

Bari Jo

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/u9sc9dpq129g7qh/PrettyMakeup_20182105349534.png?raw=1)

What do you think?  I updated the picts with one with a better smile.  Wow a smile really helps.

There she is, Bari Jo is shining through. It's about time to replace that avatar!!

Thanks Faith, maybe might wait a bit longer.  22 months Megan!  I'm going in to get my hair restored very soon, and I will lose all this nice hair for a bit:(

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 10, 2018, 01:05:03 AM
Hmm, I'm experimenting with makeup.  The beard is still too thick, but I'm getting closer to swapping my avatar.  I can't wait to restore my hairline!

Bari Jo

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/u9sc9dpq129g7qh/PrettyMakeup_20182105349534.png?raw=1)

What do you think?  I updated the picts with one with a better smile.  Wow a smile really helps.

Wow girl you look great I would be jealous but I try to avoid that too negative but envy! that I can do, you are on your way look out world here comes a blonde bombshell
   by the way my hair in my avatar took 15 months from a buzz cut and bald patches with finasteride and minoxidil

     bobbisue :)

Thanks, this is really a confidence boost and knowledge gained.  A smile and makeup really makes the difference.   Without either one, I am gendered male by that stupid how-old.net site.  If I change a bit more so I'm gendered female without makeup, I'll be smiling all the time!

Bari Jo

I'm not looking forward to the hair restoration shedding and regrowth at all either. ;/

But more importantly... YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL!!! Just think how far you've come on confidence by posting this pic, and it is well deserved confidence! I've always believed you had such wonderful potential, and this picture definitely shows that!

Thanks Ellie, yes it really is a boost.  I remember six months ago I was in such a lull since the camera wasn't seeing me as I see me, now I'm starting to show.  It's wonderful!

Bari Jo

Alright I changed it.  I'm scared to think what others see, but excited that I feel like me.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo! It's incredible how feminine your face is already! I think the makeup you do suits you I really like it.

I'm taking steps too most recently and I think this shows dedication. Summer will be here before we know it!

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Thank you Allison.  It's really coming together for me, and I couldn't be more happy or more surprised.

For new news.  I went to the dry cleaners to pick up a suit I dropped off in November.  I gave my dead name. And the clerk couldn't find it.  He asked if I was sure I brought it there since he's never seen me before.  I have been going there years, so that made me a bit happy.  Then I was realizing he lost my one suit I saved, my one good black suit.  The one I paid a lot for.  I started to be mad.  Then I realized I didn't EVER want to wear that again.  That made me oddly calm.  I told the clerk I would go home and look for the ticket already resigning myself mentally it was gone forever.  Then that afternoon, I was getting a huge closetful of clothes for goodwill basically all black clothes that I won't ever wear.  The black suit was in my closet.  I had already picked it up, maybe months ago.  I didn't remember.  And I oddly don't even want it.  I didn't send to goodwill, but I should have.

What a weird crazy ride of emotions in such a short time.

Bari Jo

Love your new avatar Bari Jo.  It's a great feeling to feel comfortable enough to post your actual self.  You are beautiful and I'm glad you have opened up to us with your trust that you have for all of us!

Quote from: Jessica on February 11, 2018, 03:07:24 PM
Love your new avatar Bari Jo.  It's a great feeling to feel comfortable enough to post your actual self.  You are beautiful and I'm glad you have opened up to us with your trust that you have for all of us!

Thank Jessica.  I feel like I'm following you in your footsteps.  Sometimes I have to pinch myself,so yes we really are doing this!

And less then steller news...

I tore a nail today, on of all things a tea infuser.  I was squeezing the handle of one to open it and somehow caught the nail on it.  It tore from the middle of the nail, so let's just say it's very ugly, but surprisingly not painful.  Still though I got a little choked up.  My nails is one of my favorite things I love about myself physically, so when this happens, sad face.

I'm wondering if the tea infuser was getting revenge on me, since I am replacing it with a new infuser/thermos all in one.  I hear they are vindictive, those little devils.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 12, 2018, 08:21:38 PM
Thank Jessica.  I feel like I'm following you in your footsteps.  Sometimes I have to pinch myself,so yes we really are doing this!

And less then steller news...

I tore a nail today, on of all things a tea infuser.  I was squeezing the handle of one to open it and somehow caught the nail on it.  It tore from the middle of the nail, so let's just say it's very ugly, but surprisingly not painful.  Still though I got a little choked up.  My nails is one of my favorite things I love about myself physically, so when this happens, sad face.

I'm wondering if the tea infuser was getting revenge on me, since I am replacing it with a new infuser/thermos all in one.  I hear they are vindictive, those little devils.

Bari Jo

Only tea kettles get mad and attack their users.

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 12, 2018, 08:21:38 PM
Thank Jessica.  I feel like I'm following you in your footsteps.  Sometimes I have to pinch myself,so yes we really are doing this!

And less then steller news...

I tore a nail today, on of all things a tea infuser.  I was squeezing the handle of one to open it and somehow caught the nail on it.  It tore from the middle of the nail, so let's just say it's very ugly, but surprisingly not painful.  Still though I got a little choked up.  My nails is one of my favorite things I love about myself physically, so when this happens, sad face.

I'm wondering if the tea infuser was getting revenge on me, since I am replacing it with a new infuser/thermos all in one.  I hear they are vindictive, those little devils.

Bari Jo

I've been getting my nails done with powder dip, successive layers of polish and a powder.  They are quite hard, but I needed to trim my fret fingers and they slightly shattered.  I should have gone in to the salon. 🙇‍♀️

Quote from: Jessica on February 12, 2018, 11:03:24 PM
I've been getting my nails done with powder dip, successive layers of polish and a powder.  They are quite hard, but I needed to trim my fret fingers and they slightly shattered.  I should have gone in to the salon. 🙇‍♀️

Yes Jess:) I know I should get them done professionally with the hard stuff, but I really like doing them myself.  It's a little feminine ritual.  However,,that's maybe I can go to the salon, find out how theyare doing it.  Then practice at home.

And Cassie, the infuser is in league with the kettle!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 12, 2018, 11:29:31 PM
Yes Jess:) I know I should get them done professionally with the hard stuff, but I really like doing them myself.  It's a little feminine ritual.  However,,that's maybe I can go to the salon, find out how theyare doing it.  Then practice at home.

And Cassie, the infuser is in league with the kettle!

Bari Jo

I've been going to the salon with my wife and another girlfriend for a while now. 
I feel like such a girl getting my nails done, chatting about stuff guys don't talk about.

I got some good news from work yesterday and today.  I had put in for working four ten hour days a week.  This was turned down almost immediately.  Instead I was offered working from home one day a week, and I could set the hours.  That was approved yesterday.  Today I let all the producers know that I work with.  I got nothing but support, and some people saying they are worried for me.  I'm just saying its for health reasons, which is true.  All my Dr appointments will now happen on that day.  Plus more electrolysis, Yay!

I'm super happy this is going into effect.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 13, 2018, 11:27:57 PM
I got some good news from work yesterday and today.  I had put in for working four ten hour days a week.  This was turned down almost immediately.  Instead I was offered working from home one day a week, and I could set the hours.  That was approved yesterday.  Today I let all the producers know that I work with.  I got nothing but support, and some people saying they are worried for me.  I'm just saying its for health reasons, which is true.  All my Dr appointments will now happen on that day.  Plus more electrolysis, Yay!

I'm super happy this is going into effect.

Bari Jo

Great news!!

Today is my first Valentine's Day after I accepted myself.  I'm surprised by the feeling of sadness.  All my life I have sequestered myself away from companionship, love, anything since I was so uncomfortable with myself. This year seeing all the love from couples, I actually feel sadness. I'm realizing I had to learn to accept and love myself before I could accept love from another or give love. I feel that now.  On a day like today it sucks, but it's a reminder that I am more healthy than I was before.  I'm hoping soon, I will be able to love another, crush on someone and let them love me too.

Bari Jo

Happy Valentine's Day Bari Jo!
💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Hugs and squeezes, Jess

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 14, 2018, 10:31:12 AM
Today is my first Valentine's Day after I accepted myself.  I'm surprised by the feeling of sadness.  All my life I have sequestered myself away from companionship, love, anything since I was so uncomfortable with myself. This year seeing all the love from couples, I actually feel sadness. I'm realizing I had to learn to accept and love myself before I could accept love from another or give love. I feel that now.  On a day like today it sucks, but it's a reminder that I am more healthy than I was before.  I'm hoping soon, I will be able to love another, crush on someone and let them love me too.

Bari Jo

Same for me. I've always sort of ignored Valentine's day in the past, didn't even give it a second thought. Today though... I didn't want to get out of bed. I wasn't depressed per se, just plain old sad and lonely and wanting to sleep the day away.

Someone from forum sent me a valentines day e-mail though which perked me up a bit, and I realized... screw it, there's always next year, and I'm not really alone anymore. So many people here find themselves in the same position, in that awkward transition limbo, and just like being trans itself, it helps to know there are other people out there.

Anyway, as Jessica said.... Happy Valentine's Day Bari Jo!! :D

I have all red velvet nails and fully planned on dressing up at work .. work got in the way and I'm working from home today. I'll have to wear it tomorrow but it's not the same.

I've never had desire to dress up to match any occasion, something's changed, I'm not sure what ...........

Quote from: Faith on February 14, 2018, 11:56:28 AM
I have all red velvet nails and fully planned on dressing up at work .. work got in the way and I'm working from home today. I'll have to wear it tomorrow but it's not the same.

I've never had desire to dress up to match any occasion, something's changed, I'm not sure what ...........

Don't worry, Saint Paddy's day is just around the corner!

I've been the same when it came to Valentines. Yeah, now that I'm actually living my life for the first time, I feel even more desperately lonely than I already had been. I'm trying to put it out of my mind by focusing on my coding lessons and work, but it keeps distracting me. My mom's taking me out to dinner tonight (not because it's Valentines!), so at least I won't be spending the evening alone (like every Valentine's for the last 25 years).

So.... Happy Valentine's Day Bari Jo!! And Happy Valentine's Day to you, too Ellie!
:-* :icon_hug:

Thanks everybody, you are my Valentine and I am yours.  We all do need to get a significant other of our own though.  On the plus side I was called that somebody is delivering flowers to me.  I'm guessing from my parents, but by the end of the work day, they still weren't at the front desk:(

Bari Jo

So sorry about the flowers. 
Here's some for you! 

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐
🌸🌸🌸🌸🌷🌷🌷🌷🌹🌹
🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀
🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

Happy Valentines Day, Bari Jo! Though it's virtual, you're never alone here. You have so many friends who know exactly what you're experiencing, are on your side, and are cheering for you. I'm one of your biggest fans. Have a good day, girlfriend.

Stephanie

I just got back from a dinner with my parents and sister.  This was a nice restaurant so I had to wear a nice pair of pants and dress shirt.  I am not full time yet so this is the last of my male clothes.  I kept this for sentimental reasons but after putting them on and seeing myself in the mirror I immediately felt uncomfortable.  You see, I looked good, for a guy.  It felt like a giant step backwards to me.  I couldn't wait to return home and put on anything else.  If I looked feminine still in the male clothes I wouldn't have felt this way.  I'm tempted to purge the rest of the male clothes I have here to not feel that way again.  Decisions decisions, I have a lot if nice cowboy boots:(

Onto better, more fun transition related stuff.  I have an appointment at Sephora on Monday.  I'm excited and scared by this.  I'm getting made up at Sephora in the middle of the day and we are going to lunch after in full makeup.  This will be my first time out like this.  I may show a picture after, depending...

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 18, 2018, 05:28:33 AM
Onto better, more fun transition related stuff.  I have an appointment at Sephora on Monday.  I'm excited and scared by this.  I'm getting made up at Sephora in the middle of the day and we are going to lunch after in full makeup.  This will be my first time out like this.  I may show a picture after, depending...

Bari Jo

That sounds so fun! I've wanted to do that for so long, but Sephora is SOOOO espensive. I know it's easier said than done, but relax and enjoy yourself!

Quote from: Sarah_P on February 18, 2018, 10:48:57 AM
That sounds so fun! I've wanted to do that for so long, but Sephora is SOOOO espensive. I know it's easier said than done, but relax and enjoy yourself!

I so agree, however if you join their program it's free.  I'm doing the free if you buy $50 one for 45 min.  I've got a few ladies with me that will tell me what not to get there because of $$$$.

Bari Jo

Oh Bari Jo,

   Must you all run past me in achieving new things in their transition? This  make up adventure is still one I have yet to experience along with so many others. Go with your girlfriends and enjoy it for all it is worth. A day out with the girls is such fun. Just ask Jessica. She still might be floating from her day with Michelle and I.
  And Hun, You will have a girlfriend document the day with pictures and share them with us. Not options here. You will do it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I can't wait to get to an area I can actually do that sort of stuff in. PICTURES ARE A MUST! ;D :D

Ooo,  enjoy Sephora hun. I did a similar thing at Mac, it's lovely being pampered, take the opportunity to ask any questions and get tips! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Thanks everybody.  Today is the Sephora Day.  I can't wait.  The camera is charged.  I'm counting down the hours!

And Laurie, no worries, there will be your time too.  I would join you if we were near each other.  I'm doing this too early really.  I won't see my sister for a few months here and wanted to do it with her.

Bari Jo

I just got back from Sephora,   this was great fun.  The cosmetics girl was a twenty something, perfect skin, about 95 lbs.  She's basically exactly the type of girl that sets off my dysphoria.  She was however, so nice I didbt have that trigger.  We met and she did a crazy amount of prep work on my skin and eyes.  Who knew beauty requires all that.  Then we did a test to match my skin to the foundation. After that she went off for supplies to give this old girl some life.  We did a bit of orange masking for the lip area, nowhere else, which made me feel good.  We did a minor amount of concealer for the eyes, a light top eye shadow, mid medium shadow, and a deeper lid shadow.  Then afterwards an eyeliner, which we all agree, I don't need and shouldn't do.  Then added mascara, and we are split in that.  I know I like it, but the girls I was with said to not get that.  They said they try to get lashes like mine, not go beyond it.  So I won't do that afterwards.  We added a tiny amount of blush and a lighter lipstick.  After we were done, we took a picture, which I was so excited to see if the how old site gendered me.  It said male, boo.

Then we went for a late lunch in makeup and nobody paid a second glance.  We ate, had a drink and went home.
However, when I got home I took a picture in the bathroom.  That genders female, Yay!  The picture still isn't as good as my avatar.  The Avatar was digital makeup, and honestly a better picture to start with.  However, Its using pink tones rather than neutrals.  I think pinks work better for me.  I bought a couple things at sephora to make the quota at the end as well.

After coming home my sister and I were excited to show my mom, and my mom brought us all into the bathroom to show me how to put on lip liner and lipstick.  We had a big giggle moment, because it's so silly and we were so close doing all this together.  My sister told me I better get used to it, since that's what all girls do together in the bathroom.

All told, I will cherish this day.  I must thank my neighbor and my sister for humoring me with this tiny trip.  It was my first time being out in makeup and gave me confidence to try more.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/yb0idzmo0sgw56i/IMAG3153.jpg?raw=1)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/55ufnflfsmzyhyb/IMAG3156.jpg?raw=1)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/3c49ita8iovbeku/IMAG3158.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

You look great!!! :)

Looks great hun, lovely look on you. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Thanks you two.  I know I really need hair to put any of this off.  This time next month I will be getting my hairline restored, Yay!!!

Serious question though.  I've been looking forward to wearing a bra, and don't know when I should start.  My girls don't feel like they are getting any bigger.  I wanted a B, but I'm more like an A or less, not sure.  I don't feel like I need a bra, but want one, conflicted.  What do the smaller girls think on this matter?

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo,

Now listen here girl, Wear the Bra!. Wearing a bra is a girl's rite of passage and hon we are long overdue. Wear the Bra! I don't need to wear one either except to hold in the tips but I wear my bras everyday.

As for the Day out at Sephoria's I'll call it a success and anyone's book. Just for the experience of it. That's is good enough and you got to be out with your face on for once "with the girls". That's to be treasured Bari.

Makeup  Assessment:  It appears that you got a good daytime look and that is what you want for being out in public during the day. Just another girl. Now if you want to attract some attention... Well I am sure you sister or even your mom can show you about that.  During the day less is more. For an evening out the a touch more is called for and if you want to be noticed then you go for the glam look.  A girl makes up her look to fit the occasion. You will learn Hun.

The look was good for the day's events you enjoyed. You are correct more hair would be a big help and I can see you looking cute with the right style. Again that is a custom job. Also I will agree that a pinker tone might do a little more for you. Experiment and find out what you like. Remember practice makes perfect. Girl have years to perfect their brand and you are just getting started. Have fun with it.

Hugs,
  Laurie

  P.S. I kind of cheated Bari Jo. I have played with makeup for quite a few years. What I lack is that contouring, correcting and concealing stuff. The rest I think I can do a pretty good job on.

You look wonderful, and so happy too.  I tried to get Michelle and Laurie to go on our day , but Michelle was unsure of where to go in the area.  Next time Laurie!

Quote from: Laurie on February 20, 2018, 10:55:09 PM
Hi Bari Jo,

Now listen here girl, Wear the Bra!. Wearing a bra is a girl's rite of passage and hon we are long overdue. Wear the Bra! I don't need to wear one either except to hold in the tips but I wear my bras everyday.

Take it from CA girl out of the sixties where we burned our bras.....they feel good.  So if it feels good .......do it!

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 20, 2018, 10:21:23 PM
Serious question though.  I've been looking forward to wearing a bra, and don't know when I should start.  My girls don't feel like they are getting any bigger.  I wanted a B, but I'm more like an A or less, not sure.  I don't feel like I need a bra, but want one, conflicted.  What do the smaller girls think on this matter?

You've been on HRT for several months, so you have gen-u-ine boobs, no matter what size they are.  That means that the time to start wearing a bra is now.

It took me a full year to reach an A cup.  But I started wearing a sports bra when they started itching, back before I was full-time, and it helped hide them.  When I went full-time, I switched from a plain sports bra to a padded sports bra for vanity.  Sports bras are typically sized small-medium-large, so you don't have to worry too much about fit.  I wore a large just for the band size.

I still wear the sports bras for exercise - walking the dog or chopping wood - but I wear a "real" 38A now.  I went to a lingerie store where they have bra fitters on staff and got myself properly measured.  Even with an actual measurement, I had to try on half a dozen before I found one that actually fit.  Yes, there is that much difference within a size.  I suspect that I am a small A.  :(  And, yes, the ones I wear are padded, duh!

You need one, first to protect the girls, then for modesty, and most of all, to enhance your appearance.

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 21, 2018, 06:23:22 AM
You've been on HRT for several months, so you have gen-u-ine boobs, no matter what size they are.  That means that the time to start wearing a bra is now.

It took me a full year to reach an A cup.  But I started wearing a sports bra when they started itching, back before I was full-time, and it helped hide them.  When I went full-time, I switched from a plain sports bra to a padded sports bra for vanity.  Sports bras are typically sized small-medium-large, so you don't have to worry too much about fit.  I wore a large just for the band size.

I still wear the sports bras for exercise - walking the dog or chopping wood - but I wear a "real" 38A now.  I went to a lingerie store where they have bra fitters on staff and got myself properly measured.  Even with an actual measurement, I had to try on half a dozen before I found one that actually fit.  Yes, there is that much difference within a size.  I suspect that I am a small A.  :(  And, yes, the ones I wear are padded, duh!

You need one, first to protect the girls, then for modesty, and most of all, to enhance your appearance.

I feel weird about going to a place to be fitted since I'm not presenting fully, but am pretty sure I'm a 38a too.  At least it's probably close enough for the time being.  I think for my B-Day, I will reward myself with an actual fitting and present as female for it.  That is end of July BTW.

I'm so looking forward to wearing one out publicly!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 21, 2018, 07:43:28 AM
I feel weird about going to a place to be fitted since I'm not presenting fully, but am pretty sure I'm a 38a too. 

Going into a lingerie store where the staff and clientelle are all female, while presenting male, might be quite stressfull.  Practice by going to a more anonymous place like Walmart.  There is less interaction with staff, and they have fitting rooms for both genders.  If they have an attendant checking merchandise at the fitting rooms, you may have to out yourself, taking a bra into the men's fitting room, but they won't really give a @#$%.  As long as your money is green, they'll be fine.

At a department store, you'll have to do your own sizing by trial and error.  But when you do go to a bra store, you'll already have one to wear.  My experience is that they want you to wear one while being measured.

I did my first bra shopping trip, with my wife for support, to a major department store.  The lingerie department had its own fitting rooms, miles away from any men's fitting rooms.  So I just sucked it up and walked in in boy mode, clutching my bras.  I got one funny look from a female customer, but I just acted like I owned the place, and no one said anything.  (At that point, I wasn't shopping for a particular size, since I wasn't even on HRT yet.  I just needed something to support my 'forms', a.k.a. socks.)

I've worn a B cup bra since day 1 of being full-time,  and have used breast forms. Over time I've had to buy successively smaller forms as I've 'grown in' to my bra. I'm now down to fillets and I reckon in 6 months I won't need anything.
My own approach was to make it clear to everyone that I had boobs and to gender me as such...

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

 Have done the same as Megan , wearing a C cup or B with forms depending on bra design and now on 3 months HRT need fillets  as heading to an A . It was hard to find a band size with a smaller cup but found some 40 (cant remember if B or C) nonwired under T shirt ones also some under wired 38 C under T ones that fit so even band sizes arnt accurate.

Whew what a brutal, tough but satisfying week.  First off I was able to start working from home on Wednesdays.  This allowed me to do all kinds of errands including switching primary care doctors and having an extra electrology session.  This session was entirely upper lip. I'd say it's about 1/2 clear now.  All I can say is thank dog for numbing cream!

The big news though for me this week is I came out to my boss at work, today in fact.  It was harder than I expected and I cried.  She stopped me about 1/2 through and said she thinks she already knows and is happy for me.  A few minutes later I had it more together and HR came in to help.  In short, everybody will work on my timeline whatever I decide that is.  They will also order me new badges and name plates in the next order.  I'm a lucky girl working here.  My boss even asked if I wanted my dog here as an emotional support animal.  Yes, I have that kind of vibe I guess.  I'm okay with that:)

Bari Jo

great news!!

Look out world, Bari Jo is coming !!!!!!!!

I'm so jealous of your makeup trip!  I'm nowhere near that brave!  And you look awesome!

Oh my gosh Bari Jo! That's so awesome! What a great boss! What a great company! And you can take Fanta to work with you? Wow.

Congratulations sister. Your news turned my day from good to best!


- Stephanie

Congrats Girl! Your boss sounds awesome.

Hugs,
  Laurie

(^｡^)

Hi, Bari Jo.  I am so glad to hear that your coming out to your boss went so well.  It is good to have some support in your corner.

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 19, 2018, 08:13:11 PM
I just got back from Sephora,   this was great fun.  The cosmetics girl was a twenty something, perfect skin, about 95 lbs.  She's basically exactly the type of girl that sets off my dysphoria.  She was however, so nice I didbt have that trigger.  We met and she did a crazy amount of prep work on my skin and eyes.  Who knew beauty requires all that.  Then we did a test to match my skin to the foundation. After that she went off for supplies to give this old girl some life.  We did a bit of orange masking for the lip area, nowhere else, which made me feel good.  We did a minor amount of concealer for the eyes, a light top eye shadow, mid medium shadow, and a deeper lid shadow.  Then afterwards an eyeliner, which we all agree, I don't need and shouldn't do.  Then added mascara, and we are split in that.  I know I like it, but the girls I was with said to not get that.  They said they try to get lashes like mine, not go beyond it.  So I won't do that afterwards.  We added a tiny amount of blush and a lighter lipstick.  After we were done, we took a picture, which I was so excited to see if the how old site gendered me.  It said male, boo.

Then we went for a late lunch in makeup and nobody paid a second glance.  We ate, had a drink and went home.
However, when I got home I took a picture in the bathroom.  That genders female, Yay!  The picture still isn't as good as my avatar.  The Avatar was digital makeup, and honestly a better picture to start with.  However, Its using pink tones rather than neutrals.  I think pinks work better for me.  I bought a couple things at sephora to make the quota at the end as well.

After coming home my sister and I were excited to show my mom, and my mom brought us all into the bathroom to show me how to put on lip liner and lipstick.  We had a big giggle moment, because it's so silly and we were so close doing all this together.  My sister told me I better get used to it, since that's what all girls do together in the bathroom.

All told, I will cherish this day.  I must thank my neighbor and my sister for humoring me with this tiny trip.  It was my first time being out in makeup and gave me confidence to try more.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/yb0idzmo0sgw56i/IMAG3153.jpg?raw=1)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/55ufnflfsmzyhyb/IMAG3156.jpg?raw=1)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/3c49ita8iovbeku/IMAG3158.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Make over looks great.  I did one there about a year and a half ago.  I highly recommend it. Learned a lot but forgot enough also that I really should do another.

They will let you buy a gift card to satisfy the minimum purchase part if anyone is considering and worried about cost. 

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 20, 2018, 10:21:23 PM
Thanks you two.  I know I really need hair to put any of this off.  This time next month I will be getting my hairline restored, Yay!!!

Serious question though.  I've been looking forward to wearing a bra, and don't know when I should start.  My girls don't feel like they are getting any bigger.  I wanted a B, but I'm more like an A or less, not sure.  I don't feel like I need a bra, but want one, conflicted.  What do the smaller girls think on this matter?

Bari Jo

Start wearing a bra when ever you want to.  Can start with a sports bra if that helps.
I started wearing one before HRT out of psychological need.  I've never done a proper fitting as it wouldn't help.  They just don't make a 44A. I've had decent luck with  a few cheaper ones from Wal-Mart.  Wal-Marts a good place also if you're concerned about outing since most have the srlf check out lanes now. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

Oh god I forgot to say congrats on coming out at work

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 23, 2018, 11:21:28 PM
Oh my gosh Bari Jo! That's so awesome! What a great boss! What a great company! And you can take Fanta to work with you? Wow.

Congratulations sister. Your news turned my day from good to best!


- Stephanie

I really do work for a good company with good kind coworkers.  I won't make Fanta an emotional support animal though.  I'm enough of a piece of work as it is.  I don't need that extra baggage.  Still though it's nice to see they like me and my fur baby.

Thanks everybody, I feel like I'm playing the odds and winning in this journey.  A big test for me will be extended family at a reunion in Texas.  Eef, now that will be scary.

Bari Jo

Quote from: TonyaW on February 24, 2018, 07:31:17 AM
Make over looks great.  I did one there about a year and a half ago.  I highly recommend it. Learned a lot but forgot enough also that I really should do another.

They will let you buy a gift card to satisfy the minimum purchase part if anyone is considering and worried about cost.  Start wearing a bra when ever you want to.  Can start with a sports bra if that helps.
I started wearing one before HRT out of psychological need.  I've never done a proper fitting as it wouldn't help.  They just don't make a 44A. I've had decent luck with  a few cheaper ones from Wal-Mart.  Wal-Marts a good place also if you're concerned about outing since most have the srlf check out lanes now. 

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Tonya you are so right!  You can get a gift certificate instead of product.  I was a little caught up in the experience and spent more than I should have.  For everybody after me, go with a plan, and the plan is gift certificate and then use it for yourself online:)

Btw, I'm going to go back in a few months for a night/glamor demonstration.  I know daily makeup, and think I will have mastered that look in a few months.

Thanks about the coming out.  This one was harder than I expected.  However knowing I can transition at work with the company's support is very empowering.

Bari Jo

The makeover looks great! I do alright with makeup, but I could definitely use some professional hands-on instructions.

Congratulations on the coming out at work!!! It's a great feeling to be so accepted and supported by everyone at your work.

Quote from: Sarah_P on February 24, 2018, 10:19:38 AM

Congratulations on the coming out at work!!! It's a great feeling to be so accepted and supported by everyone at your work.

Hah, this was just putting myself to my boss.  We won't do the full outting to all my coworkers till I'm ready.  I love that she's supporting me fully and using my name in email now too.

I work with hundreds of people throughout the world.  The full outting needs to be planned:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 24, 2018, 10:37:46 AM
I work with hundreds of people throughout the world.  The full outting needs to be planned:)

I also have a global job - a typical day involves phone and video with people on 3 or 4 continents, sometimes more. I'm not passable at all (my avatar is as good as it gets right now!) but I'm going to come out anyhow in two weeks.  And, yes, I'm terrified that I'm throwing 20 years of a career away.  On the other hand, I'll get to be me. I've been uncomfortable for 40 years, I paid my time for everyone else's comfort. So in two weeks, you'll have a datapoint from me on how it might go. I'm so thankful for all my sisters who did this before me.

I still can't believe you did the makeover thing - that seems far more scary to me than coming out at work (which is terrifying too, just less so!).

Bari Jo you're on a roll! So happy for you and isn't it fun getting your makeup done? [emoji4]

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ToriJo you've got to tell me how that goes.  Having the makeover was super fun.  I highly recommend it, plus bringing a friend helps too!

And Allison, yes so much fun!

Now onto more trans stuff.  I just had breakfast with my dad.  We went over my labs and he could tell I was doing DIY since I had e and t results that were different than he'd expect from a cis male from my earliest test.  Then he really surprised me.  He brought up a conversation we had about 16 years ago.  It was just after I started my first transition attempt and I got scared and quit.  He was able to put two and two together realizing it wasn't a conversation about gyno, it was me getting scared since the hormones I was on were working and fast enough to scare me.  Anyway it made me happy he was able to see I've been struggling with this for so long, way longer really.  That was just the first DIY attempt at transitioning.  Anyway, Good job dad!

Bari Jo

I'm so happy things went so well for you at work!  And your dog gets to be with you too?  Girl, you got a raise and a bonus in the same day!

Today I am wearing light makeup at work.  This is a first for me.  I don't pass yet, but I'm confident the makeup will be fine.  A neighbor of mine thought I wore makeup everyday already.  I have weirdly natural smokey eyes and ridiculous dark eyelashes so she though they were enhanced, nope just part of what has put me on this path.

My second bit of news, I recently funded something that I thought might be trans related therapy for me.  I do like beer and at one time thought about making my own beer appliance.  This was about ten years ago before Picobrew, brewie, and the other beer appliance options out there. I even bought my own domain name for a tiny beer outfit.  What is smaller than micro brew?  Particle brew.  I bought and parked atombeer.net for my eventual hobby of making my own beer.

Alright, so how is this trans related?  It is going to be my first public face of Bari Jo on something.  I will host meet-up groups for brewing and enjoying beer and will be presenting each time.  It's a way of coming out of my shell slowly and safely.  I will specialize in cream ales, ciders and fruity beer, basically the kind I like and everybody ribbed me, for liking girly beer.

Btw, the appliance I ordered is the Picobrew Z.  They have specials for the next couple of weeks.  If you use my code of KYV8P you get an additional $50 off.

< link removed by moderator >

I can't be the only if us that enjoys this hobby and partaking in beer.  Join the madness?  I will need to update my r2d2 kegerator for this too, I think.  Yes, you read that right.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 26, 2018, 10:30:14 AMWhat is smaller than micro brew?  Particle brew.  I bought and parked atombeer.net for my eventual hobby of making my own beer.

Well I guess I'm stuck with quarkbeer.com and maybe stringbeer.com.

Nah... don't even really like the stuff, at least the ales and lagers. Now, what you're making sounds pretty good!

Go Bari Jo!

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 26, 2018, 10:39:34 AM
Well I guess I'm stuck with quarkbeer.com and maybe stringbeer.com.

Nah... don't even really like the stuff, at least the ales and lagers. Now, what you're making sounds pretty good!

Go Bari Jo!

Stephanie

You can always brew under my label.  Think atom beer periodic table of our beer...

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 26, 2018, 11:33:12 AM
You can always brew under my label.  Think atom beer periodic table of our beer...

Bari Jo

Why am I thinking of the opening sequence of Breaking Bad?

An accepting and supportive person in my life told me about Transparent, a transgender show on Amazon Prime.  Throughout my life I've avoided any movie or TV show that had a trans person in it.  Avoiding was part of my denial. So I tried to watch this, hoping to use it as therapy.  I gave it a good run about five episodes.  As a transgender person, the fears and situations discussed are real and strike a chord.  However, I was hoping it would be more like therapy.  Instead it's more like here's the pain, remember this thing you have been worried about?  I had to stop watching, it was too real and uncomfortable.  There was one comment about counting the family you have, and then the bathroom situation.  I'm done.

I think maybe this is a show for non trans people to learn and be exposed to trans issues.  I don't feel the show in any way is for actual trans people.  Anyway, it made me sad, angry and shameful, so I'm no longer watching.  Am I the only one with this reaction?

Bari Jo

I have not watched Transparent, but feel if all it does is point out the hardships, then all it would be is a documentary of triggers.  Don't need that.  A balanced representation between the positive and the not so positive I think would create a therapeutic viewing experience.

I haven't seen Transparent, but your review doesn't make me want to see it.

For an uplifting portrayal of a trans person, watch Boy Meets Girl, a movie from a couple of years ago.  One of the few movies with an actual trans actor portraying the main character.

Yes, I'm hoping for others to avoid the triggers too.  But, if my reaction is unreasonable, and anyone has other feelings on this, I'd like to know.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo,

  I have watched the first 4 seasons of Transparent. It is a gender diverse soap opera depicting many aspects of gender identity and the life thereof. I think it does cover trials and tribulations of life as a gender diverse person. A lot of the series is about Mora's children all of which have issues. It is meant to tell others of some of the issues we encounter and how difficult it is to deal with them. No it is not a feel good program. It is a soap opera and just like all soap operas it focuses more on the drama of life. It definitely does contain lots of triggers and it is meant to for w/o them the issues cannot be portrayed.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on March 01, 2018, 01:16:38 PM
Hi Bari Jo,

  I have watched the first 4 seasons of Transparent. It is a gender diverse soap opera depicting many aspects of gender identity and the life thereof. I think it does cover trials and tribulations of life as a gender diverse person. A lot of the series is about Mora's children all of which have issues. It is meant to tell others of some of the issues we encounter and how difficult it is to deal with them. No it is not a feel good program. It is a soap opera and just like all soap operas it focuses more on the drama of life. It definitely does contain lots of triggers and it is meant to for w/o them the issues cannot be portrayed.

Hugs,
  Laurie

This is my feeling on it too.  I'm glad the show is out there, as it will open the eyes of non trans people, but dang.  Still I am impressed you were able to continue watching Laurie, too many triggers for me.

Bari Jo

Prior to the revelations, I liked Tambor from Arrested Development and it was billed as a comedy so I went in with expectations that were definitely not met. On top of that, I just didn't really relate to the characters, partly probably because of age and partly because it's just not a similar environment to the one I find myself in. In the end, it just failed to click with me on any level.

To continue this topic.  I've discussed the show at group, and while my opinion isn't unique, everybody said to have all trans people watch this and then if they want to talk about anything from the show be there to discuss.  Do, yes, to my cuz gendered friends and family.  Please watch the show

Bari Jo

I'm having a weird realization, and I don't like it.  I'm procrastinating doing my taxes, but this same procrastination is manifesting in eating and self loathing.  It's a destructive cycle and I can't seem to break it.  I ate a 1000 calorie dessert last night, then immediately felt shame, and it's gave me a familiar feeling of worthlessness.  I am starting to feel this way in all aspects.  My decision to transition isn't in question though.  I need to prop up my feeling of worth and I'm not sure how to start and make it stick.  I think others notice if you don't think you are worthy, then they won't think you are either.  Another vicious cycle.  I am very hard on myself.  I'm leaving my thoughts here, can't seem to continue.

Bari Jo

I've watched it.  I think Jill Soloway did a fair job with portraying Moira's trans background- the childhood, the hiding, the angst and finally the break where she had to be free.  I could relate to quite a bit of it.  I appreciated the comedic twist with a touch of sadness thrown in.  I have a friend who is Jewish who said Judith Light's character reminded her of her mother so she was hooked from that angle, and her husband watched it with her.  Since they were familiar with the show we got to skip a bunch of background when I came out to them.

My wife tried watching it and said the characters were too narcissistic and it was too sad for her.  For me, after Moira mostly figured out her path it became kind of meh, especially last season.  I doubt I'll watch the next one if it continues.

When I log on to Amazon to watch shows, Transparent is or was front and center.  I think the exposure to trans media for Amazon subscribers is positive.  It pushes us further out into the mainstream.  We exist, Amazon created a show about one of our peeps and we aren't going away.

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 03, 2018, 09:22:39 AM
I'm having a weird realization, and I don't like it.  I'm procrastinating doing my taxes, but this same procrastination is manifesting in eating and self loathing.  It's a destructive cycle and I can't seem to break it.  I ate a 1000 calorie dessert last night, then immediately felt shame, and it's gave me a familiar feeling of worthlessness.  I am starting to feel this way in all aspects.  My decision to transition isn't in question though.  I need to prop up my feeling of worth and I'm not sure how to start and make it stick.  I think others notice if you don't think you are worthy, then they won't think you are either.  Another vicious cycle.  I am very hard on myself.  I'm leaving my thoughts here, can't seem to continue.

Bari Jo

I cycle through depression, self loathing and anger regarding being trans .  fortunately most of the time I'm fine.  exercise helps to get that endorphin release, and I try to fake it till i make it.  easier said than done though.

So I'm feeling low, and am meeting my dad for lunch.  I wanted to talk with him about feeling low.  He brings up a book review he saw on Fox News for a book he thinks we should both read.  When Harry Became Sally.  I'm already on guard, since he saw the review on fox.  I asked what the general tone of the interview was.  He said, just a normal review.  So at lunch I look up the reviews.  It's anti trans.  He says he didn't know.  I am feeling so low right now.  My own father recommending that?  Tell me I'm not misinterpreting this

My sister tells me she saw the same report and the author is empathizes with trans people.  He was probably tryjng to connect with me.  I really feel like it made a wedge though.

I honestly feel that he's trying to connect with you and your changing is hard for anyone who's not into the "know" of what is the drive behind that need.

Wouldn't be worse if he just shut you off?

I'd give him an A+ for trying.

Alright, so my little freak-out and tears afterwards were unwarranted.  He genuinely didn't know it was anti trans.  I also pitched a support group for parents of trans children.  He said he would like to attend.  I can't tell you how much better I feel about this day now.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 03, 2018, 09:34:51 PM
Alright, so my little freak-out and tears afterwards were unwarranted.  He genuinely didn't know it was anti trans.  I also pitched a support group for parents of trans children.  He said he would like to attend.  I can't tell you how much better I feel about this day now.

Bari Jo

Wow I think that's amazing! So supportive.. I wish I had that. Consider yourself a lucky girl [emoji4]

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Great!  Conclusion Jumping is not the greatest sport >:-)

I sent my dad and email last night thanking him for being willing to attend the parents meeting.  I got such a nice email of support this morning.  I cried a little and feel like one lucky blessed girl now.  I'm including the note here for me to look back on fondly, especially after the ups and downs.

Bari Jo


I think you misunderstand me. I don't want to go to the parents' meeting for me. I know how I feel. It's for you. To see if there is anything I can do to help or make your transition any easier. I don't care if you turn into a vampire, a werewolf, a zebra or anything else. You are still the person I am proud of. There is one word that keeps coming to me from your uncles, aunts, cousins and friends and even your sister. Barry(Bari) is a genius. I have recognized this myself for I don't understand half of your discussions or projects that you tell me about. You had the courage and intellect to teach yourself and then to pursue and accomplish in life those things that made you fulfilled and happy. I tried once but didn't have the courage to really complete. Don't get me wrong, I like medicine and surgery and as time went on, I found I did have a peculiar talent for it. Made my parents happy although I still think my major interest was elsewhere. I think it's difficult for each of us to communicate our feelings face to face but know that I'm proud of your life, accomplishments, courage, and decisions and will always love and be here for you.

             Dad

OMG, that is so sweet! I can't even imagine what it's like having such a wonderful father.

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 04, 2018, 12:38:12 PM
I sent my dad and email last night thanking him for being willing to attend the parents meeting.  I got such a nice email of support this morning.  I cried a little and feel like one lucky blessed girl now.  I'm including the note here for me to look back on fondly, especially after the ups and downs.

Bari Jo


I think you misunderstand me. I don't want to go to the parents' meeting for me. I know how I feel. It's for you. To see if there is anything I can do to help or make your transition any easier. I don't care if you turn into a vampire, a werewolf, a zebra or anything else. You are still the person I am proud of. There is one word that keeps coming to me from your uncles, aunts, cousins and friends and even your sister. Barry(Bari) is a genius. I have recognized this myself for I don't understand half of your discussions or projects that you tell me about. You had the courage and intellect to teach yourself and then to pursue and accomplish in life those things that made you fulfilled and happy. I tried once but didn't have the courage to really complete. Don't get me wrong, I like medicine and surgery and as time went on, I found I did have a peculiar talent for it. Made my parents happy although I still think my major interest was elsewhere. I think it's difficult for each of us to communicate our feelings face to face but know that I'm proud of your life, accomplishments, courage, and decisions and will always love and be here for you.

             Dad

Bari Jo, your Dad is awesome. I'm crying too

Stephanie

Quote from: Sarah_P on March 04, 2018, 01:12:25 PM
OMG, that is so sweet! I can't even imagine what it's like having such a wonderful father.

I can't either. That was so sweet [emoji24]

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Quote from: Bari Jo on March 04, 2018, 12:38:12 PM
I sent my dad and email last night thanking him for being willing to attend the parents meeting.  I got such a nice email of support this morning.  I cried a little and feel like one lucky blessed girl now.  I'm including the note here for me to look back on fondly, especially after the ups and downs.

Bari Jo


I think you misunderstand me. I don't want to go to the parents' meeting for me. I know how I feel. It's for you. To see if there is anything I can do to help or make your transition any easier. I don't care if you turn into a vampire, a werewolf, a zebra or anything else. You are still the person I am proud of. There is one word that keeps coming to me from your uncles, aunts, cousins and friends and even your sister. Barry(Bari) is a genius. I have recognized this myself for I don't understand half of your discussions or projects that you tell me about. You had the courage and intellect to teach yourself and then to pursue and accomplish in life those things that made you fulfilled and happy. I tried once but didn't have the courage to really complete. Don't get me wrong, I like medicine and surgery and as time went on, I found I did have a peculiar talent for it. Made my parents happy although I still think my major interest was elsewhere. I think it's difficult for each of us to communicate our feelings face to face but know that I'm proud of your life, accomplishments, courage, and decisions and will always love and be here for you.

             Dad

Wow, I see my own dad so much in that it is uncanny. I'm so glad he found the will to say those things outright!! :)

I received a nice visit from Laurie this morning.  Apparently she was too kind and wanting me to have my beauty sleep rather than wake me up in the morning.  Little did she know I was worried about her, and couldn't sleep.  I thought she was lost or worse...  Still though we were able to have breakfast, lunch, have her sit through a morning of my work,  we had great conversations.  It's nice to see some well adjusted ladies out there.  My support groups sometimes she full of people with drama and crisis, it's crazy.  Oh, Fanta loved her too.  Here's a picture of us on a couch in my home office.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/num1m554jejwgb2/IMAG3196.jpg?raw=1)

It's a reminder how far I have to go, she's gendered correctly, I'm not in this picture.  Oh, can we speed up time please?

Bari Jo

PS. I'm realizing I love having visitor.  Thanks Laurie for reminding me its enjoyable for human interaction!  This is an invite folks:)

Great picture of the two of you.  Laurie worries me too, but for other reasons.  If you could open her kryptonite box and get the pretty bracelet out and slip it on her.  She discovered it was a tracking device and hid it away!

Have fun! Jess

Quote from: Jessica on March 07, 2018, 05:50:55 PM
Great picture of the two of you.  Laurie worries me too, but for other reasons.  If you could open her kryptonite box and get the pretty bracelet out and slip it on her.  She discovered it was a tracking device and hid it away!

Have fun! Jess

Yes, I now have no idea where she is for the tracking map. At this point the next victim on her list will have no warning.

I get the impression it's too late, and she has escaped before Bari Jo could get the knots tight enough. But for the next person, in the bottom of that kryptonite box there is a hidden slide-out drawer that contains a heart-shaped pin with a little airplane on it. I see that she is not wearing it. Get it out and "accidentally" poke her with it while making her wear it. It contains a serum that suppresses the urge to put people on fridges. You'll thank me for that later.


- Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 08, 2018, 12:43:42 AM
Yes, I now have no idea where she is for the tracking map. At this point the next victim on her list will have no warning.

I get the impression it's too late, and she has escaped before Bari Jo could get the knots tight enough. But for the next person, in the bottom of that kryptonite box there is a hidden slide-out drawer that contains a heart-shaped pin with a little airplane on it. I see that she is not wearing it. Get it out and "accidentally" poke her with it while making her wear it. It contains a serum that suppresses the urge to put people on fridges. You'll thank me for that later.


- Stephanie

Maybe she went to Tijuana?  Only about an hour and a half from Santa Ana?

Unless????????????????????????????????????????/

Bari Jo kept her and locked her in her closet hoping we'd forget about her?

Quote from: Cassi on March 08, 2018, 01:35:42 AM
Maybe she went to Tijuana?  Only about an hour and a half from Santa Ana?

Unless????????????????????????????????????????/

Bari Jo kept her and locked her in her closet hoping we'd forget about her?

Yessss, things have gone mysteriously quiet. I picture a scenario where in 10 years someone hears a mewing sound from inside a video game console, and we'll find what's left of a Laurie in there, with her truck keys gripped tightly in her hand. Bari Jo, it is required to feed her well. Michelle set the precedent.

Stephanie

Hah, thanks for the concern, we ate well, Mexican from my favorite dive around the corner and Chinese.  Fanta stretched out in Laurie's lap while she finished Chinese too.  He must have really liked her.

Things got quiet because I go to sleep by 10, since I wake up so early for work.  2 hour commute each way!  I'm sure Laurie will pipe in on her thread soon:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Cassi on March 08, 2018, 01:35:42 AM
Maybe she went to Tijuana?

Uh oh. Has anyone gotten a PM from @Laurie like this?

https://youtu.be/_wZoFB7zbVQ (https://youtu.be/_wZoFB7zbVQ)


- Stephanie

I'm realizing I am a sensitive and emotional person.  In teasing in growing up, I remember sobbing uncontrollably over a popped balloon.  I think I was 16 at the time too.  Since then I've shied away from confrontation and groups that have a lot of teasing in them, even good natured teasing.  This is true to this day, even here on Susan's.  I find those threads intimidating and I know since inside I'm still a fragile little girl, the wrong thing will give me tears.  It's also made my confidence a wreck and given me trust issues.  This is something I need to work on and seek therapy for.  Admitting it is my first step.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 08, 2018, 01:59:36 PM
I'm realizing I am a sensitive and emotional person.  In teasing in growing up, I remember sobbing uncontrollably over a popped balloon.  I think I was 16 at the time too.  Since then I've shied away from confrontation and groups that have a lot of teasing in them, even good natured teasing.  This is true to this day, even here on Susan's.  I find those threads intimidating and I know since inside I'm still a fragile little girl, the wrong thing will give me tears.  It's also made my confidence a wreck and given me trust issues.  This is something I need to work on and seek therapy for.  Admitting it is my first step.

Bari Jo

{((((hugs and squeeze))))}

Hello folks, I'm noticing this week I'm feeling more vulnerable and prone to emotion than usual.  My hormone levels are fine, but I'm finding myself tearing up when people mention pets, grandparents, playful teasing, paying me compliments.  I almost feel like I need to be sheltered or taken care of.  It's a weird feeling that I'm not used to.  I wouldn't necessarily say it's bad, but I am, or have always been self sufficient.  Now I find that I need somebody to care for me.  I feel either like a child or pet.  I would say girl, but didn't want to diminish anyone else's definition of the subject.  I think if I did get caring attention while feeling this way, it would make me insanely happy and that would be a cycle to remain in this mentality, like an addiction.  I'm probably over thinking my transition.  This is what I do, part of that INTP personality type.  Do others feel as I do?  I can easily see falling for someone that cares for me right now.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 09, 2018, 09:46:19 PM
Hello folks, I'm noticing this week I'm feeling more vulnerable and prone to emotion than usual.  My hormone levels are fine, but I'm finding myself tearing up when people mention pets, grandparents, playful teasing, paying me compliments.  I almost feel like I need to be sheltered or taken care of.  It's a weird feeling that I'm not used to.  I wouldn't necessarily say it's bad, but I am, or have always been self sufficient.  Now I find that I need somebody to care for me.  I feel either like a child or pet.  I would say girl, but didn't want to diminish anyone else's definition of the subject.  I think if I did get caring attention while feeling this way, it would make me insanely happy and that would be a cycle to remain in this mentality, like an addiction.  I'm probably over thinking my transition.  This is what I do, part of that INTP personality type.  Do others feel as I do?  I can easily see falling for someone that cares for me right now.

Bari Jo

Yes!! A million times I feel, have felt this way. I think for me it could be growing comfort in myself and wanting to let someone in. We should feel taken care of!

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Quote from: Bari Jo on March 09, 2018, 09:46:19 PM
Hello folks, I'm noticing this week I'm feeling more vulnerable and prone to emotion than usual.  My hormone levels are fine, but I'm finding myself tearing up when people mention pets, grandparents, playful teasing, paying me compliments.  I almost feel like I need to be sheltered or taken care of.  It's a weird feeling that I'm not used to.  I wouldn't necessarily say it's bad, but I am, or have always been self sufficient.  Now I find that I need somebody to care for me.  I feel either like a child or pet.  I would say girl, but didn't want to diminish anyone else's definition of the subject.  I think if I did get caring attention while feeling this way, it would make me insanely happy and that would be a cycle to remain in this mentality, like an addiction.  I'm probably over thinking my transition.  This is what I do, part of that INTP personality type.  Do others feel as I do?  I can easily see falling for someone that cares for me right now.

Bari Jo

I too feel the need to be taken care of emotionally I can take on the world in any other way but I do need that emotional support

     bobbisue :)

That desire to be taken care of, and a strong tendency toward limerence or "crushing" on someone who is kind or caring for us is pretty common, something that both trans women and members of the lesbian community seem to have in common.

There's an old line about lesbians bringing a U-Haul on the second date. Same thing seems to hold for many trans women.

I see this in myself as well as others. It is more than a little unnerving to experience this after a few decades of, well, precious little.


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Quote from: Michelle_P on March 09, 2018, 10:20:10 PM

I see this in myself as well as others. It is more than a little unnerving to experience this after a few decades of, well, precious little.

Yes, it is.  I wouldn't say it's bad though

Allison, Bobbisue, looks like we are in good company!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 09, 2018, 09:46:19 PM
Hello folks, I'm noticing this week I'm feeling more vulnerable and prone to emotion than usual.  My hormone levels are fine, but I'm finding myself tearing up when people mention pets, grandparents, playful teasing, paying me compliments.  I almost feel like I need to be sheltered or taken care of.  It's a weird feeling that I'm not used to.  I wouldn't necessarily say it's bad, but I am, or have always been self sufficient.  Now I find that I need somebody to care for me.  I feel either like a child or pet.  I would say girl, but didn't want to diminish anyone else's definition of the subject.  I think if I did get caring attention while feeling this way, it would make me insanely happy and that would be a cycle to remain in this mentality, like an addiction.  I'm probably over thinking my transition.  This is what I do, part of that INTP personality type.  Do others feel as I do?  I can easily see falling for someone that cares for me right now.

Bari Jo

I think being Vulnerable is all part of being a woman...I find I am far more emotionally connected to the world than I ever have been so you saying all these things make you teary is hardly surprising. I think women learn to just go with their emotions in many cases rather than fighting them like many of us grew up doing. I can remember tearing up as a teenager over stuff and having to hide myself in fear that someone would notice...My mother said frequently that "I wore my heart on my sleeve" and I always you to think as I denied it, that if only they knew half of what upset me...Violence on TV, real life, or movies was a real issue for me and used to make me feel physically sick when I was growing up but like so many other things I taught myself to remain behind a hardened shell lest anyone see the real me.     

Overthinking things is like a staple for many transwomen(me included) so don't feel so bad...it is what it is.  ;)

Take care

Liz

  I of course am the emotionally stable one. Nothing affects me.

(That sounded good didn't it?)

I think all else aside, just going through transition will create that vulnerability, and the natural human response to that is to need comforting and compassion. Starting this journey, baring our souls to the world, praying that we don't run into violence or abuse... that family does not abandon us, or even just our fears about ourselves... And often after lifetimes of avoiding any vulnerability, closing ourselves off from potential harm (and those nasty emotions of course!). I dunno, it's late and I'm groggy (collapsing asleep with all lights on, fully clothed then waking up a few hours later sweaty and uncomfortable is always good fun), but yeah.

Quote from: ElizabethK on March 10, 2018, 12:00:19 AM
I think being Vulnerable is all part of being a woman.

I agree.  And a necessary part of the transition process is opening up to that vulnerability.  Resisting it causes the fear that almost all of us have to get through at some point.  Somewhere in the early stages of transition, we have to say, "I don't know what awaits me on the other side.  It might be really good or it might be really bad, but here I go anyway."  If we don't accept that vulnerability, our transition stalls.

Thanks everybody,  I really enjoyed everyone's responses and learned from each.  I kind of feel this topic should be a must read for any new girl.  I am reveling in this feeling as the moment.  It is new, sometimes exciting.  Every new social interaction has a spike of this feeling.

Bari Jo

Oh, and adding, I think a lot of us put up a front of holding it all together, yet we still have turmoil inside.  I know I do.  So Laurie, yes you carry yourself well, but don't be afraid to lean on us if you need us.  Same goes out to everybody

I just realized something about myself and my personality while putting on my daily makeup today.  My go to color for my lids is the same as "Flower" which is bambi's skunk friend.  I remember as a kid way way back that he was my favorite character in the movie.  Now in my transition I feel just like that character and find myself doing some of the same body language and mannerisms.  Maybe coincidence, maybe I know Disney movies too well.  Still I like the trip back Memory Lane, and do love Flower.

Bari Jo

I feel a need to document my favorite makeup products just to see how they change in my journey. This is the first.  I don't use a lot, a bit more than this post.  These are the ones I can see myself continuing.  If anybody has suggestions or comments I would live to hear them.

Sally Hanson Dual Duty base/top coat.  Yes, doing nails is a minimum of 3 coats.  That took me a while to figure out!

Essie, Gel Couture nail polish.  Color is Sheer Fantasy.  It's a transparent pink.  I have not graduated to opaque yet and these are a great step up from clear.

Tarte Quench Lip Rescue.  It goes on creamy and has some sort of mint or pepper ingredient that makes my lips tingle a bit.  Plus the color, Rose works great with my coloring.  Why are these so expensive though?

Garnier Skinactive Cleansing Water.  This is a makeup remover.  It's cheap and works really well.  Glad a neighbor told me about this.

Garnier Skin Renew miracle skin perfecter BB cream light to medium tinted moisturiser.  It blends well and works with my skin tone.

As I am frugal all of these except the lipstick are available at target.  I'm on the lookout to a lipstick like this at target.  It's a coveted purchase from my Sephora makeover trip.

As stated above any suggestions and comments are welcome.

Bari Jo

Quote from: KathyLauren on March 10, 2018, 10:12:06 AM
I agree.  And a necessary part of the transition process is opening up to that vulnerability.  Resisting it causes the fear that almost all of us have to get through at some point.  Somewhere in the early stages of transition, we have to say, "I don't know what awaits me on the other side.  It might be really good or it might be really bad, but here I go anyway."  If we don't accept that vulnerability, our transition stalls.

I agree 100%! That vulnerability is part and parcel of the experience. We can't move forward until we accept it. Once we get to the point where we actually embrace it as part of ourselves...that's when the real magic starts to happen!

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 12, 2018, 10:24:39 AM
Tarte Quench Lip Rescue.  It goes on creamy and has some sort of mint or pepper ingredient that makes my lips tingle a bit.  Plus the color, Rose works great with my coloring.  Why are these so expensive though?

Does it have lip plumper in it? I've got some lip gloss like that (plus a plumper/primer that I use before lipstick), and it feels like a very mild burning for a minute or so. That might also explain the price, plumpers usually cost more.

I'm still being cheap & using elf for most things. They keep coming out with new items that are much cheaper alternatives to the expensive brands. I do experiment here and there with others brands, though. Not sure I actually have any real favorites, yet.

Hi Bari Jo

I stumbled across a video on Utbue expounding the virtues of cheap makeup. SO off I went to Target to purchase a set of basic supplies in the Essence Brand

So I got 16 hour long stay liquid foundation, Liquid eyeliner, mascara, primer, finishing spray, lipstick eyeshadow all for under $40 Aus.

I did a straight comparison between this stuff and my MAC makeup which was 10 times the price. Yes I would buy MAC makeup again but for everyday wear it is fantastic and goes on amazing well. What surprised me even more was how good it looked after 8 hours on Sunday in the heat and sweat of mall shopping. During this trip I got 3 more eyeshadows and lipstick for $15 and I am so impressed on how good they look and how well they apply.

Hope that helps as a quick review of my experience...cost does not seem to dictate the quality of these products as the 16 hour foundation matches my skin colour amazingly and give such great coverage even my wife has started to use some of the Target brand products.

Take care

Liz

Sarah, I'm not sure if this is a lip plumper.  If this is, I need it:)

Liz, yes, I am all for cheap makeup.  Plus I've got a target within walking distance.  I know, I live in a great area, Hah!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 12, 2018, 07:32:14 PM
Sarah, I'm not sure if there is a lip plumper.  If there is, I need it:)

Liz, yes, I am all for cheap makeup.  Plus I've got a target within walking distance.  I know, I live in a great area, Hah!

Bari Jo

https://lumabylaura.com/collections/lip-care/products/lumalips?tid=238977364831522051

Quote from: Cassi on March 12, 2018, 07:45:56 PM
https://lumabylaura.com/collections/lip-care/products/lumalips?tid=238977364831522051

Hah, $40 is pricey!  I'm a low maintenance girl, I think.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 12, 2018, 09:05:24 PM
Hah, $40 is pricey!  I'm a low maintenance girl, I think.

LOL, I'm sure there's a less expensive product.  I just noted that you gave the impression that you maybe didn't know if the product existed. 

Bari Jo

Quote from: Cassi on March 13, 2018, 01:06:41 AM

LOL, I'm sure there's a less expensive product.  I just noted that you gave the impression that you maybe didn't know if the product existed. 

Argh, tanj auto correct!

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 13, 2018, 03:29:49 AM
Argh, tanj auto correct!

There Ain't No Justice!

Today was a first for me.  This was going shopping with another lady.  She knew this was my first outing, so we just went to DSW, which is my first time in there and handily recommend it.  They had shoes up to size 11 in stock and you could basically help yourself.  My friend was so kind in telling me what was cute, what was age appropriate for me, and girl, what was just silly.  I wasn't planning on getting heels at all, but she had me try some on.  My only limits were no open toes, since I hate the look of feet.  I know I'm weird.  Anyway, I tried on some floral print boots.  They made my feet look tiny even thought they were size 10, and as she says, made my walk feminine.  I cannot wear these anyplace except group, since they are soooo feminine.  As she mentioned though, they are starter heals, I can learn to walk in them, and just wear them to group and home.  I also got a pair of Steve Madden black velvet sneakers with pearls on them.  They are oh so femme, without looking like I'm in drag.  She also convinced me to get pearl earrings to wear with them to complete the look.  I love how my friend was always trying to think of what goes with what.  It's a mindset I need to develop more.  Both shoes and boots were just over $60 total with their crazy discounts.  I ended up taking her to lunch, for making me so happy.  Is this the way girls feel all the time when they go shopping together?  I think it will be easy to become an addicted.

Bari Jo

I went shopping with @Laurie  and @Michelle_P when we went to the City for lunch.  It was so much fun, just looking at all the accessories.  My one regret is that I didn't heed the urging of my two girlfriends to take advantage of a 30% off shoe sale near Union Square.  I do have the understanding now of why my wife takes hours to shop!

Quote from: Jessica on March 14, 2018, 08:58:06 PM
I went shopping with @Laurie  and @Michelle_P when we went to the City for lunch.  It was so much fun, just looking at all the accessories.  My one regret is that I didn't heed the urging of my two girlfriends to take advantage of a 30% off shoe sale near Union Square.  I do have the understanding now of why my wife takes hours to shop!

Yes, it was really fun.  More important than actually purchasing was the comradere and decision making that goes into the whole experience.  I really felt like I learned a lot.  My friend had me walk in the shoes, and then recorded the walk on my phone so I could see it.  She rolled pant legs up and let them hang over, all things I would have never thought of.  I feel smarter as a shopper now, and as a lady:)  Being shown how to take advantage of the sales and with discount cards was also crazy impt to do it right.  By the end I was not only happy with the purchase, but also felt I grew closer to my friend and I accomplished something in my journey!

Bari Jo

I did my usual electrolysis today, but immediately afterwards I had my hair styled.  This is the first time I've gone to a salon.  Wow, these people know their stuff, at least they know what looks good on people.  I brought in a few pictures that I chose from a magazine (thanks Mom for the magazine) as initial guidance then the hairdresser ran free.  I had a lot cut off.  At first I was a little scared.  Then I started to see what she was doing and I got happier and happier.  By the end I was grinning like an idiot.  The hairdresser said I need to come back after my hairline restore so she can color my hair.  I asked what color and she said light pink.  My mouth fell open.  Immediately, I had a picture taken and ran it through Pretty Makeup to see what that color would look like on me.  It's awesome!  I'm absolutely doing this color when I come out at work to my coworkers.  So now my Avatar is me, except with the hair color modified.

Love it, love it, love it

Yes, pink looks great on you!

I basically told my stylist "do what looks good".  He's the expert, not me.  :)  I was terrified going to that appointment, particularly because my hair is so short still - but he at least made it look a lot more feminine than I thought was possible, and it was a really affirming experience all the way around.

Hair looks good. The colour suits you.

Bari Jo—just wow! That makes me happy! )^o^(

Your hair looks great, and yeah, I LOVE the pink!! I so thought of hot pink for my hair, but I don't know if I can pull it off or not.

Looking totally fab sis! X

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EVERYONE IS SO BEAUTIFUL LATELY!!!!!!!!! :D

And wow, that pink really does suit you. Also goes well with the artist vibe!

Quote from: Roll on March 18, 2018, 07:40:05 AM
EVERYONE IS SO BEAUTIFUL LATELY!!!!!!!!! :D

And wow, that pink really does suit you. Also goes well with the artist vibe!

CDC has issued a warning that a new virus called the Beauty Bug is going around because:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a45z_HG3WU

Thanks everybody.  I'm starting to feel so much more at ease and time goes on.  Ive got so much planned for the next two weeks.  I'm coming out to the rest of my neighbors at a cocktail party in my gallery.  Then a couple days later I go under the knife to get my hairline restored.  Things are moving quickly again finally!

Bari Jo

Good luck with the neighbours and the hair sis. X

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Today was super fun.  I am finding affirming situations often while shopping.  I'm sure it's mainly because the salespeople want to sell, but sometimes it's more than that.  I'll recount a couple situations today.  I visited about 8 places some were big box outlet stores where you get basically no help and service, but the selection is good.  I wasn't finding what I wanted, which was an affirming computer bag that was small and light, and didn't break the bank.  I was resigning myself to just pick up a cheap small bag at a computer store.  Then spend time after my trip to find a bag I really want.  Just before going to the computer store, I searched for luggage stores around the computer store.  To my surprise, there was a laptop bag manufacturer right next to it (Mobile Edge).  I was also surprised they had a full line of womens laptop bags.  I did find one that I think is just about ideal, and only $59.  It wasn't the hunt and find that was so great.  It was the interactions with the sales lady.  She first started showing me generic bags, more unisex.  I just asked if we can girly it up a bit.  She immediately brought me over to the ladies bags, and treated me basically as a girl.  It was fun, and she was holding bags up, commenting on color, bringing extra ones from the back that were last season, etc.  It was so fun.  I'm not sure if they treat everybody like that, but I felt really special.  I ended up getting the Herringbone Ultra Light Tote which is basically black and white.  I promised myself I wouldn't get anything black, and I told her that.  She immediately said, but this isn't black, it's just missing your colorful buttons and pins.  Wow, she's awesome.

So, next is me going to the mall to consider some buttons and pins.  As I'm there, I start to walk by the Coach store.  I think I've mentioned before i'm a Coach girl.  I can't afford it, but I really like the style and colors.  Anyway, I decided to go in and see what they had in the form of computer bags.  I woudln't be buying one, just looking.  Anway, the sales girl was at first kind of distant and guarded.  She started showing me their normal laptop briefs, which were very nice indeed, but not affirming.  I asked if she had more girly ones.  She immediately gave me a smile and then was the nicest person.  She complimented my boots, asked about my job and where I'd be using the bag and laptop.  It really was amazing, a social situation where a lady was treating me as an equal.

So that's it, I'm a on a little high from this.  I feel like I should write both company's owners about what great experiences I had.

Bari Jo

Awesome and good for you Bari Jo - you go girl!!!!

Have you ever checked out the stores at the Citadel?  Use to be pretty good.  It's been years since I've been there.

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 23, 2018, 11:34:48 PM
So that's it, I'm a on a little high from this.  I feel like I should write both company's owners about what great experiences I had.

I've found that when you say what you want and who you are, a lot of people will surprise you and just do the right thing - and it can be really beautiful.  There are jerks in the world, but there are also people who will genuinely be happy for you and who want to see your journey go well.  It's wonderful when you find them.

You really need to go check out the Coach outlet at Cabazon.  It's huge and the prices are rock bottom.  And due to the proximity to Palm Springs, the whole mall is totally LGBT friendly.

Quote from: ToriJo on March 24, 2018, 12:29:10 AM
I've found that when you say what you want and who you are, a lot of people will surprise you and just do the right thing - and it can be really beautiful.  There are jerks in the world, but there are also people who will genuinely be happy for you and who want to see your journey go well.  It's wonderful when you find them.

Yeah, I think this was it.  It was unstated and enjoyable.

Cassie, I have been to the Citadel a couple times.  I do pass it during my commute every day.  I don't go often since its not convenient due to traffic.

Carly, I havent been to the outlets at Cabazon.  Next time I'm out there I will try them. The Citidel has a Coach outlet too, and I'd love to see how they compare.

Time to clean and prepare for cocktails.

Bari Jo

Another hurdle has come and gone.  I am now out to my neighbors.  I came out at a cocktail party at my gallery.  Everybody came and I was able to get the words out.  It was hard and there were tears, then hugs, then support.  Even those that are deeply religious are supporting me.  A couple were a little surprised, but none were shocked.  I had been wearing makeup and dressing a bit femme for about a year.  It feels good and a little surreal at the moment.  This time a year ago there's no way I would have guessed I would be here now, but it feels good.  I must be doing something right too since every coming out has been positive.  I hope this continues.

Bari Jo

Congratulations, Bari Jo. You are well on your way to being able to live your life comfortably as yourself. This is a great step forward.

Jayne

Yays, another step taken. Good neighbours are an underestimated source of support and potential girly shopping! [emoji3]

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Congratulations Bari Jo!

Way awesome!

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 25, 2018, 11:47:29 PM
Another hurdle has come and gone.  I am now out to my neighbors.  I came out at a cocktail party at my gallery.  Everybody came and I was able to get the words out.  It was hard and there were tears, then hugs, then support.  Even those that are deeply religious are supporting me.  A couple were a little surprised, but none were shocked.  I had been wearing makeup and dressing a bit femme for about a year.  It feels good and a little surreal at the moment.  This time a year ago there's no way I would have guessed I would be here now, but it feels good.  I must be doing something right too since every coming out has been positive.  I hope this continues.

Bari Jo

So exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know what I've really embraced lately? Despite a lot of the crap out there, the world is a pretty great place at the end of the day. There are jerks, but by and large, most people who know you either support you outright or at least don't care either way.

Quote from: Roll on March 26, 2018, 07:48:53 PM
So exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know what I've really embraced lately? Despite a lot of the crap out there, the world is a pretty great place at the end of the day. There are jerks, but by and large, most people who know you either support you outright or at least don't care either way.

My daughter keeps saying the same thing - people don't care.

We are really lucky living in accepting cultures and during accepting times.  Even the state I'm in, liberal California it was once illegal to wear clothes that people perceived were different than your assigned gender at birth.

Today is a new adventure.  Lately it feels like I've stepped on the gas in transition.  Today is my trip to Mexico City to see the hair faerries and to also enjoy rest with relatives.  I hope to post happy results in six months time.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 27, 2018, 09:29:15 AM
We are really lucky living in accepting cultures and during accepting times.  Even the state I'm in, liberal California it was once illegal to wear clothes that people perceived were different than your assigned gender at birth.

Today is a new adventure.  Lately it feels like I've stepped on the gas in transition.  Today is my trip to Mexico City to see the hair faerries and to also enjoy rest with relatives.  I hope to post happy results in six months time.

Bari Jo

Good luck Bari Jo!

Hugging you tight, Jess

Good luck hun, hope it goes well. X

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Good luck! I can't wait for 6 months time update

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I'm writing today's update from the lobby of the hair restoration clinic. Originally I was going to have this done in the states, but a relative reminded me I know people in Mexico.  I reached out and had a friend do a little research for me and book and reserve the appt. This place does not do the strip method, but their hair count was about 20% higher than the place I was going to go to in the states.  The facility is amazingly modern, even having robots to extract the follicles if you want.  I did not opt for that.  While waiting I wondered if they get any famous people here.  Not a minute later two really good looking actors came in.  They were both six five plus super muscular, perfect skin and teeth.  They were exactly what I am not.  I felt so fragile and girly next to them. I talked to the big one too, and I think he put in some extra smiles and flexes just for me.

Anyway, back to the treatments, they were very professional.  The chief of the clinic drew my hairline and literally had about 20 staff watching and taking notes.  Evidently a transgender person is not their usual client.  They always called me Bari Jo, but did mess up pronouns a couple times.  Oh well, I was still happy with their professionalism.

This does hurt Btw, but only when they give the anesthetic shots or work in an area just outside of what's numbed.  1/2 way though getting the implants I asked to use the restroom and I looked so weird with a shaved head.  I did have a little trickle of red though which scared me at first, but it was mainly water.  They constantly sponge you down.

After the procedure they led me to the hyperbaric chamber for my first of four healing sessions.  The pain was gone literally within minutes.  Plus I got to watch Netflix through the glass of the chamber.

I realize not everybody has the option to have a procedure done outside the USA, and I feel blessed.  For those that do, I would advise a local guide. Very few people spoke English.  My doctor did.  I know people want to know hair count, 4900 and price, let's just say 1/3 of what I was quoted in the states and that was the strip method.  No strip scar for this girl.

So far, very happy.

Bari Jo

Very happy for you Bari Jo. I hope you get the results you are wishing for.

Jayne

I'm continuing my little story so I can look back and remember some odd fond moments.  My host had made a reservation at a nice restaurant for Sat, and I brought zero nice clothes for me on this trip.  I think she purposely didn't tell me so I had to go shopping.  Well, no way was I going to buy some nice masculine outfit that I would never wear again.  My goal then was to go very strong into andro and leaning toward girly.  I learned I'm a size 8 ladies pants perfect length too, and the jacket I chose was just the right amount of femme, size L in ladies BTW..  I could wear it otherwise with jeans too.  The shirt was a purple T-shirt.  I'm doing this shopping the day after my hair procedure, so I know I look odd, but still was asked if I wanted men's or ladies clothes by the sales lady.  Just after i paid for my purchase I was hit on by a man.  I'm here full of hair implant bruising, no makeup, but it was that which was his way into a conversation.  Apparently he's had the same procedure years before.  I really hope when I heal and do grow out hair, I will still attract the men.  Before anyone asks, this man was gay, I have no doubt, so I probably give off the gay femme man vibe atm.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 30, 2018, 04:21:52 AM
I'm continuing my little story so I can look back and remember some odd fond moments.  My host had made a reservation at a nice restaurant for Sat, and I brought zero nice clothes for me on this trip.  I think she purposely didn't tell me so I had to go shopping.  Well, no way was I going to buy some nice masculine outfit that I would never wear again.  My goal then was to go very strong into andro and leaning toward girly.  I learned I'm a size 8 ladies pants perfect length too, and the jacket I chose was just the right amount of femme, size L in ladies BTW..  I could wear it otherwise with jeans too.  The shirt was a purple T-shirt.  I'm doing this shopping the day after my hair procedure, so I know I look odd, but still was asked if I wanted men's or ladies clothes by the sales lady.  Just after i paid for my purchase I was hit on by a man.  I'm here full of hair implant bruising, no makeup, but it was that which was his way into a conversation.  Apparently he's had the same procedure years before.  I really hope when I heal and do grow out hair, I will still attract the men.  Before anyone asks, this man was gay, I have no doubt, so I probably give off the gay femme man vibe atm.

Bari Jo

You are going to have plenty of straight guys hit on you, and you have to believe me because I am a time traveler from the future. I know things. And one of the things I know, you're gonna be a star. .... Sorry I'm in a weird mood tonight, really out of it from downing a ton of nyquil a bit ago. But point still stands!

Quote from: Roll on March 30, 2018, 09:17:25 PM
You are going to have plenty of straight guys hit on you, and you have to believe me because I am a time traveler from the future. I know things. And one of the things I know, you're gonna be a star. .... Sorry I'm in a weird mood tonight, really out of it from downing a ton of nyquil a bit ago. But point still stands!

.

Hah, I feel like that is a movie quote, but can't place it.  I hope both of us get our fill of straight men:)

Bari Jo

Tonight I'm wearing that outfit out to dinner.  I applied makeup myself and then added lipstick from pretty makeup, since I forgot it for this pict, but this is all me.  I'm wearing a hat since I'm shaved bald with the hair restoration.  Ill keep this photo as my avatar for a while I think.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari jo

So glad to hear your hair restoration went well. I had strip from the back of my head to do my hair restoration and I am really happy with the results. I can't imagine being awake for the procedure as I would think that would be very uncomfortable. But then again, you seem really happy with the way things went and that is all that counts. I hope you get a great result and the hair you are after... 4500 grafts is a lot so you should have a nice result.

take care

Liz

You're definitely looking good!  I'm impressed!

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 30, 2018, 11:55:33 PM
I hope both of us get our fill of straight men:)

I see what you did there! ... Or at least that is where brain went.  >:-)

Quick update on me.  I had my checkout and final hyperbaric healing session today for the hair restoration.  It's really healing well, and it's dense!  However, over the next few months the hair will fall out then regrow, so I won't see the final result for many months to come.  The steps now are basically very light on exercise, so no DDR.  Shampoo with the hair loss shampoo, and avoid the sun.  All doable.

I've been scared that the restoration isn't enough, but I'll have to figure that out with time.

Bari Jo

Why do you think it's not enough?

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The hairline created is higher than I wanted by about a 1.5 centimeters.  I know I have hidden my lack of hair fairly well in my pictures, but it was advanced, so even with 4900 hairs transplanted it could only be so much.

Still time will tell.  I might like it fine.  My goal is to be gendered correctly, and I can say that the prettiest cis female I work with has a higher forehead than me now:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Allison S on April 05, 2018, 10:22:33 PM
Why do you think it's not enough?

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 05, 2018, 11:29:42 PM
The hairline created is higher than I wanted by about a 1.5 centimeters.  I know I have hidden my lack of hair fairly well in my pictures, but it was advanced, so even with 4900 hairs transplanted it could only be so much.

Still time will tell.  I might like it fine.  My goal is to be gendered correctly, and I can say that the prettiest cis female I work with has a higher forehead than me now:)

Bari Jo

That's understandable you want the best results. I always feel the same way with laser hair removal- I want better.

That's definitely a victory!! Congrats [emoji4]

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My sister told me over this break that brighter colors work better on me, and to stop wearing hoodies.  I really like how short jackets look on me, so I went short jacket shopping over the weekend.  I went to the mall and the outlet mall.  My goal was to spend as little as possible, which for the most part I did, even got one for $16.  They are all feminine in their own way too even if being denim.

I had lots of interactions with sales people all gendered wrong.  I've yet to be gendered correctly by a salesperson.  However, no problems occurred.  A customer asked me in one store if this was the ladies department as I was comparing two jackets in front of a mirror.  I said, yes, ladies.  He then asked if I knew where the men's dept was, and I just smiled and said, sorry, no.  That was my big happy thought during that trip.  I just owned my experience, damn the thoughts from others.

Still though, I feel like I'm soooo far away from passable it kills me.

Bari Jo

I feel that so much of it is hair, and you are on the way now on that!

I wish jackets weren't so expensive, I really want a good fem one myself.

Yes I think hair makes a huge difference. I still have short hair I've been growing out a few months but realisticially need longer.

Bari Jo I know it's such a long journey. I gusss we all do but the difference is that some have made it to the other side, some in the midst (us), and others just starting.

Gender dysphoria is a lonely place to be..

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Quote from: Bari Jo on April 10, 2018, 02:26:03 AM
Still though, I feel like I'm soooo far away from passable it kills me.

What people always tell me: "Give it time, girl!"

One thing I am doing is that I'm talking a picture weekly or so of myself - nothing super fancy, just me in whatever I'm wearing anyhow, with whatever makeup I have on anyhow, etc.  And I'm sticking them in a computer folder with all the images sorted by date.  When I'm feeling awful, I can click on them and see, "Yes, there actually is some change from when I started."

It's also awesome you have a sister giving advice!

And keep reminding yourself that you are a full, complete, 100% woman. You are!

Quote from: ToriJo on April 10, 2018, 07:51:09 AM
One thing I am doing is that I'm talking a picture weekly or so of myself - nothing super fancy, just me in whatever I'm wearing anyhow, with whatever makeup I have on anyhow, etc.  And I'm sticking them in a computer folder with all the images sorted by date.  When I'm feeling awful, I can click on them and see, "Yes, there actually is some change from when I started."

That's what I am doing, certainly helps me, and Bari Jo you certainly are moving on girl.
My avatar at the moment was taken today after my cataract surgery yesterday so one messy eye and no make up.
I'm looking at hair transplants as well as we have a local clinic that does the robotic harvesting and planting  thing. Its costly though so may end up with a strip scar. My own hair is about 4" long at them moment and mousey light brown to silver grey.. It will be a while for me, but I think I'm getting closer to where I need to be as well.
Have fun girls and keep going as your all looking more gorgeous every day.
Katie

:angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel:

I've been taking pics myself and while my current avatar looks nothing like my previous ones, it's me and almost half a week old.  I'm sure some are thinking, why the pic but if I could post both a before and current as the avatar it would be
obvious.  Hair is a big issue for me also.  Plan on going to CostCo soon for the rogaine, lol.  And hair almost covers my ears :)

Seeing old pictures does give me hope.  There have definitely been changes, just not enough to be gendered correctly.  I'm going on ten months now.  I really wanted to start dating by now, but just not femme enough to be comfortable.

Also adding in my thread on people knowing I'm the workplace.  This journal of sorts helps me big time she I lose track of myself in this journey.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236363.0.html

Bari Jo

Hi Bari jo                                                                   

I read your post about being gendered correctly and for me that didn't happen regularly until I gave them enough clues that I wanted to be gendered female. I guess from their point of view they would hate to insult you by misgendering you so they are usually very cautious. Once I started to wear makeup and feminine outfits it became a thing of the past. No one miss-genders me anymore unless they are trying to be rude. Once your intent is very clear to the person (despite their views) then it is simply rude to gender you incorrectly and I have found that most people want to do that. There will always be exceptions to the rule and those people are just rude...however I have found the majority of people are not.

Take care

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on April 10, 2018, 09:52:32 PM
Hi Bari jo                                                                   

I read your post about being gendered correctly and for me that didn't happen regularly until I gave them enough clues that I wanted to be gendered female. I guess from their point of view they would hate to insult you by misgendering you so they are usually very cautious. Once I started to wear makeup and feminine outfits it became a thing of the past. No one miss-genders me anymore unless they are trying to be rude. Once your intent is very clear to the person (despite their views) then it is simply rude to gender you incorrectly and I have found that most people want to do that. There will always be exceptions to the rule and those people are just rude...however I have found the majority of people are not.

Take care

Liz

Hi Liz, Yes, I believe you are correct.  I'm giving clues, but not enough.  I think it's time I make a list of what I can do to extend the clues and stay within my comfort zone. I'm about to reduce the number of Blue Jeans, and instead wear colored jeans.  Maybe accentuate makeup.  Color coordination of the studs I wear to my shirt, buttons on jackets, necklaces.  Of course the main thing for me is hair restoration and beard removal.  I wish laser worked on me.  It did as a temporary fix, but all hair came back, boo.

Bari Jo

Something to add, which at first I didn't think anything about, but I've heard it from a few people so I'm documenting.  I'm getting a lot of compliments on this new style with the hat and short jackets.  One girl even told me I look so cute and I'm rocking it.

I honestly didn't feel that different in it, but I am feeling so completely at ease with the path I'm on recently, so maybe that's part of it too.  I find others at group asking to shop with me and wanting to be my friend.  I feel like a ball of optimism right now.

Bari Jo

Your happiness makes me smile [emoji4]. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I agree hair makes a huge difference. Hair transplants or a wig.

I had hair transplants and it makes a huge difference. It takes time for the hair to grow but when it does it make a big difference.

I have been doing electrolysis for a long time and have a ways to go. It can be very expensive.

Having a personal style and being at ease with yourself is totally liberating.  Keep it up and you may find its contagious at your group.   

Quote from: Rachel on April 15, 2018, 06:54:57 PM

I have been doing electrolysis for a long time and have a ways to go. It can be very expensive.

Yes, ridiculously so.  We might as well just give our elecyrocutioners new cars!  They cost the same!

Bari Jo

So, step forward at work.  HR has asked if they can notify upper mgmt.  This is basically to control the news of my transition and to guide reactions company wide.  I agreed.  I still don't plan on formally coming out to my team for another six months.  If people start to ask questions beforehand, there will be an avenue to answer.

I'm struggling with weight at the moment.  I'm 7 lbs over my min, and I want to be 9 lbs below my min.  My self control sucks right now.

I am down too quarter of the Spiro that I used to take.  My doctor says my e level will inhibit t production.  I can't wait to see the next test results.  I can say that I feel horny again.  I really need a boyfriend.

Bari Jo

This is a great next step! Remembering your old pictures and comparing to what I went through, you will get questions pretty soon. At least from people you are close with. Hope HR gives you some feedback, I never heard anything from HR (But then I did not even discuss my coming out with HR, I just did it).

Yeah, the struggle with weight control. i was good until apr. 14 month into HRT, now I am fighting to get it back...

You have come so far Bari! Very happy for you....

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 19, 2018, 02:23:50 AM
So, step forward at work.  HR has asked if they can notify upper mgmt.  This is basically to control the news of my transition and to guide reactions company wide.  I agreed.  I still don't plan on formally coming out to my team for another six months.  If people start to ask questions beforehand, there will be an avenue to answer.

I'm struggling with weight at the moment.  I'm 7 lbs over my min, and I want to be 9 lbs below my min.  My self control sucks right now.

I am down too quarter of the Spiro that I used to take.  My doctor says my e level will inhibit t production.  I can't wait to see the next test results.  I can say that I feel horny again.  I really need a boyfriend.

Bari Jo

Quote from: sarah1972 on April 19, 2018, 10:18:49 AM
This is a great next step! Remembering your old pictures and comparing to what I went through, you will get questions pretty soon. At least from people you are close with. Hope HR gives you some feedback, I never heard anything from HR (But then I did not even discuss my coming out with HR, I just did it).

Yeah, the struggle with weight control. i was good until apr. 14 month into HRT, now I am fighting to get it back...

You have come so far Bari! Very happy for you....

HR has been only supportive for me.  I really appreciate it.  My boss has been calling me by my name always when we are alone, as I am not out yet.  I'm amazed how on top of it they are.

Thanks, yes, I've come very far.  I love how 'normal' it feels.  Only when I haven't seen someone in a long time do I get stares or comments.  One person commented that I'm dressing like a rock star.  Hmm, a little odd, but I'll take it.

A little more in transition.  This occurred at one of the three support groups I attend.  A trans girl that has been out over a year and is full time was really down.  She said one of her friends that has always been supportive, is now distancing, and she asked why.  The answer from her friend was that she was never okay with it, and was only humoring her.  Now she doesn't want to be around her.  She mentioned this has happened with numerous cis friends.  The whole time she's telling this, I'm scared to death in my head.  All my friends I've told so far have been supportive.  Will this happen to me?  God I hope not.

Then she surprised me by saying she just wants to hang out with more trans friends and literally singled me out as someone she wanted to hang out with.  It got me thinking, me?  Why me?  I'm the old one in this group.  That's when I realize I might be old, but I seem to have it together.  I have somehow avoided bad experiences and have had very understanding neighbors and friends.  Am I like a mentor for these younger folks?  It's so weird, but I think yes.

After working through this, I told her I'd throw her a cocktail party at my gallery.  Ill invite neighbors and our support group.  We can just be social and happy for a few hours.  She was so happy.  The party is this Sat.

Okay and another trans moment, a little humorous.  I went to my electrocutionist and had her work on my upper lip.  The center area was really painful so she worked just on the outside and she literally removed ALL the hair on my upper lip except the center.  I have a Hitler mustache shadow now.  Next session I will deal with the pain to get that gone too.

Bari Jo

With a smile Heil Bari jo. nice to see things coming on, happy days XXX

Aw that's so sweet of you to do for your friend Bari Jo!! And that's def a "stache" that'll have to go very soon. Can't see you with that!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 19, 2018, 02:31:01 PM
Okay and another trans moment, a little humorous.  I went to my electrocutionist and had her work on my upper lip.  The center area was really painful so she worked just on the outside and she literally removed ALL the hair on my upper lip except the center.  I have a Hitler mustache shadow now.  Next session I will deal with the pain to get that gone too.

Eww!  No pics, please!  ;)

When it comes to the upper lip, your dentist is your friend.  I love it when my electrocutioner is working on my upper lip, because it means I feel nothing.  There's some areas on my neck, where my dentist can't help me, where she struggles to get anything done because she keeps having to stop to scrape me off the ceiling.

No worries KathyLauren, I was able to get through another session.  There is still some stubble which I hope to remove this week, but it looks so much better than before.

Onto more transition related issues.  You might have noticed I'm not posting as often.  I'm not exactly sure why.  I feel out of sorts at the moment.  I'm hoping it's related to higher T and we can up my current amount per day.  It could also be related to gaining weight.  I gained from visiting Mexico.  I am losing it again, but I noticed being heavier makes me less attractive and that depressed me to no end.  Hoping to get out of my funk.

Oh on a positive note I had the cocktail party for my trans group which went well.  My neighbors and friends also came and were very gracious.  It was basically a social event where all the trans girls got to share my support structure.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 24, 2018, 02:24:09 PM
No worries KathyLauren, I was able to get through another session.  There is still some stubble which I hope to remove this week, but it looks so much better than before.

Onto more transition related issues.  You might have noticed I'm not posting as often.  I'm not exactly sure why.  I feel out of sorts at the moment.  I'm hoping it's related to higher T and we can up my current amount per day.  It could also be related to gaining weight.  I gained from visiting Mexico.  I am losing it again, but I noticed being heavier makes me less attractive and that depressed me to no end.  Hoping to get out of my funk.

Oh on a positive note I had the cocktail party for my trans group which went well.  My neighbors and friends also came and were very gracious.  It was basically a social event where all the trans girls got to share my support structure.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo:
Thanks for posting your latest update.... 
Oh yeah, getting through those hair removal sessions is definitely not a piece of cake.  How many more sessions are they estimating for you?   ....  and of course ....$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Yes, please get out of your funk and keep your updates coming... along with some pictures as you feel comfortable posting them.   

Keeping one's weight under control is at times is like trying to control the weather!! LOL  :o
Stay on top of it try to keep it somewhat within your goals.

I am glad that your trans-group party went well... and wow, your neighbors and friends were in attendance too...
very neat that you all get to share your support structure with everyone there.

So, anyway Bari Jo.... please continue to keep us all updated... we are curious and want to support you, so we need to know!!!! :)
Hugs,
Danielle

Hey girl,

  Glad to read your party went well for your friend and for yourself. You are doing well so drop that funk stuff. (getting funky is okay though) Come to think of it perhaps you can turn that funk into a funky chicken and go dancing. I also gained almost all the little bit of weight I lost before going on my road trip. Too many nights out at restaurants and low resistance to yummy food. Maybe now that I'm home I will behave and lose it again. I had a bowl of yoguret with pices of fruit for breakfast and a salad for lunch. /sigh goodbye junk food (right after the cherry pie Peggy and Jim brought me is gone)  LOL
  Well Bari hun you can get a hold of me if you think I can help.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Bari Jo, I'm sorry you are in a bit of a funk right now. I hope you can pull yourself out of it soon. Work on things that make you feel good about yourself.

It's great your cocktail party went well with your friends.

Keep posting updates. We are interested in how you are going.

Jayne

Thanks for the support folks.  I'll try to get out of it.  Even acknowledging I'm in a funk makes me feel better. I'm going to work on an arcade machine that's been plaguing me at night. Getting that together will get me out of this funk, plus it won't be an eyesore in my gallery once done.

Danielle, I've had 40 plus hours with my regular electrocutionist and about 20 more through a novice, and 6 laser sessions. Laser didn't work well for me.  It was always only temporary.  I'm sticking to electrolysis. I'd estimate I'm 1/4 to 1/3 done. My beard is more dense than most I think. Yes, pricey!!!

Bari Jo

I was in that same funk a bit back, post count dropped down to like nothing for a few days and everything. You'll get through it!! You are doing so amazing!!

On the weight, remember even "minor" surgery can really mess with stuff like that. You still aren't too far out from your transplants, so you may still just need time for your body's reaction to settle a bit on calorie needs.

I'm still not out of my funk, but I figure being social may help a bit.  New this update is a good family friend now knows about me.  She evidently wanted to ask about me but didn't want to offend. Now her suspicions are confirmed and she is supportive. That's the first friend outside of my immediate circle.  It's a weight lifted, especially because she is supportive.  Evidently she has trans friends which made her wonder about me.

Alright, the next thing is I stopped in at a wig shop, mainly to see what I'd look like with hair, but also which hairstyle looks best on me.  I still think shorter,  parted on the side with long bags looks best.  The wig I liked most was $150 ack, pass on that immediately.  Besides I have to let my new transplants breathe.

I think that's about it.  I'm trying to get a handle on my funk.  In 4 weeks I have my next blood work done, but I really want to find out the results now.  Something feels wrong.  I'm not happy anymore, and starting to feel more like pre hrt.

Bari Jo

Just a thought, since you have had to shave your head to have the transplants done, is it possible seeing yourself with no hair has gotten you feeling down?

It's awesome your family friend is supportive. You seem to have a great circle of friends. Hang in there, this feeling will eventually pass. Socialising should help with your good friends and certainly share as much as you feel comfortable here.

I hope you feel better soon.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on April 25, 2018, 06:03:18 PM
Just a thought, since you have had to shave your head to have the transplants done, is it possible seeing yourself with no hair has gotten you feeling down?

It's awesome your family friend is supportive. You seem to have a great circle of friends. Hang in there, this feeling will eventually pass. Socialising should help with your good friends and certainly share as much as you feel comfortable here.

I hope you feel better soon.

Jayne

Yes, this is possible.  I really need the hair to grow back in.  That can't come soon enough. Yes, I'm blessed by my family and friends.  In one of my support groups a girl mentioned she had supporting family and friends, and one by one they left her.  That terrifies me.  I really hope that is not the norm.  This was mentioned in Transparent too, scary scary.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 25, 2018, 06:42:59 PM
Yes, this is possible.  I really need the hair to grow back in.  That can't come soon enough. Yes, I'm blessed by my family and friends.  In one of my support groups a girl mentioned she had supporting family and friends, and one by one they left her.  That terrifies me.  I really hope that is not the norm.  This was mentioned in Transparent too, scary scary.

Bari Jo

It is sad that the girl in your support group had people leave her one by one. That doesn't mean the same will happen to you. It is not uncommon that people who transition are abandoned by their family and friends, but I wouldn't say it is the norm. There are plenty of people who are lucky to have unconditional support from their family and friends for a lifetime. It comes down to the individuals. Other people's misfortunes won't necessarily become your own. Try not to concern yourself too much with something that may never happen. Cherish the supporting family and friends you have.

With your hair, it may help to shop around to find an affordable wig that you can at least wear some of the time (giving time for your transplants to breathe when you don't wear it). It will take time for your hair to grow to a descent length. In early September last year, I had a mental moment and cut my hair with clippers. It was less than 1/2" long. Now it is between 4 & 5 inches long and driving me nuts because it's still too short to style properly. My hair is super curly, maybe straight hair can be styled shorter.

Hang in there.

Jayne

With your hair, it may help to shop around to find an affordable wig that you can at least wear some of the time (giving time for your transplants to breathe when you don't wear it). It will take time for your hair to grow to a descent length. In early September last year, I had a mental moment and cut my hair with clippers. It was less than 1/2" long. Now it is between 4 & 5 inches long and driving me nuts because it's still too short to style properly. My hair is super curly, maybe straight hair can be styled shorter.

Hang in there.

Jayne
[/quote]

4 inches would be great for me.  I swapped my avatar back to my haircut just before having the hair restore.  This avatar makes me feel better.  The hair was colored using an app called Pretty Makeup. I really want to play with hair color.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 25, 2018, 05:42:31 PM
I'm still not out of my funk, but I figure being social may help a bit.  New this update is a good family friend now knows about me.  She evidently wanted to ask about me but didn't want to offend. Now her suspicions are confirmed and she is supportive. That's the first friend outside of my immediate circle.  It's a weight lifted, especially because she is supportive.  Evidently she has trans friends which made her wonder about me.

Alright, the next thing is I stopped in at a wig shop, mainly to see what I'd look like with hair, but also which hairstyle looks best on me.  I still think shorter,  parted on the side with long bags looks best.  The wig I liked most was $150 ack, pass on that immediately.  Besides I have to let my new transplants breathe.

I think that's about it.  I'm trying to get a handle on my funk.  In 4 weeks I have my next blood work done, but I really want to find out the results now.  Something feels wrong.  I'm not happy anymore, and starting to feel more like pre hrt.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo, sorry to hear about your funk.  I was in one just shortly ago and needed a @Laurie transfusion, which is a wonder cure.
I think sometimes you just need to silently reflect without outside influences.
To ground yourself.  Reapply your energies to yourself.  And find your focus.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

PS:  this can be very relaxing!
(https://i.imgur.com/jPNLtSV.gif)

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 25, 2018, 08:20:01 PM
4 inches would be great for me.  I swapped my avatar back to my haircut just before having the hair restore.  This avatar makes me feel better.  The hair was colored using an app called Pretty Makeup. I really want to play with hair color.

Bari Jo

That hair colour suits you. You hair will grow back, and this time, with the restore, you should have more of it.

Maybe sprinkle some lawn fertiliser to make it grow quicker! [emoji16] (just kidding, that is probably a bad idea!!!)

Jayne

A bit before in my thread I mentioned how I was having the cocktail party for a girl that had a friend that distanced herself. That really touched me, and I've found that I've been thinking about it constantly over the past couple weeks.  Right now I've got a really good support structure.  All my neighbors are using my name, my family has all been supportive, but I keep thinking they are going to leave eventually.  It's not rational, especially not right now since everybody is so nice and supportive. I brought this up at group tonight and was openly crying within 5 minutes.  Group didn't really have answers only support.  Afterwards I made it home to my dog and gave him a big hug and the water works started again. I'm in such an odd fragile state, where I should be strong. I really do have everything going for me right now. I really must still hate myself internally to feel this.  Trying to rationalize, figure it and myself out.

I also wanted to thank everyone for your continued support.  I know i don't comment on a lot of personal threads, but I do read them.  I have a hard time with threads and conversations that have a lot of back and forth banter.  It turns me into a wall flower, confused about what to say or how to participate.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 27, 2018, 12:58:16 AM
A bit before in my thread I mentioned how I was having the cocktail party for a girl that had a friend that distanced herself. That really touched me, and I've found that I've been thinking about it constantly over the past couple weeks.  Right now I've got a really good support structure.  All my neighbors are using my name, my family has all been supportive, but I keep thinking they are going to leave eventually.  It's not rational, especially not right now since everybody is so nice and supportive. I brought this up at group tonight and was openly crying within 5 minutes.  Group didn't really have answers only support.  Afterwards I made it home to my dog and gave him a big hug and the water works started again. I'm in such an odd fragile state, where I should be strong. I really do have everything going for me right now. I really must still hate myself internally to feel this.  Trying to rationalize, figure it and myself out.

I also wanted to thank everyone for your continued support.  I know i don't comment on a lot of personal threads, but I do read them.  I have a hard time with threads and conversations that have a lot of back and forth banter.  It turns me into a wall flower, confused about what to say or how to participate.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo 🙋‍♀️ Could it be you are just feeling insecure (not self loathing) after the cocktail party interaction.  You have to trust humanity hasn't escaped from family and friends who are giving support to you now.
Chances are strong that if they are still in your life, they want to be in your life.

If you are learning new ideas or finding answers as you read others threads, then you are doing everything anyone could expect.  If you feel you only can inwardly reflect, that's fine, relax and take your time.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Hi Bari Jo,

  I think I know that weird fragile feeling. I have had times where I put up a strong front and took care of business where all I felt like doing is going someplace private and cry. It really is a weird state to be in. I have always been the strong stable one but inside I was anything but. I saw that strength in you while I was there visiting. It was there in your passion to get things done the way you want them done. It's there in your creativity. It's there in how you do your work. But sometimes you just want to be held and hugged tight and told everything will be okay.
  I would do that for you if I could. Things will be okay Bari, I know you and your determination. You will be okay. You need a strong local friend and you will find one. Hang in there girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie
 

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 27, 2018, 12:58:16 AM
A bit before in my thread I mentioned how I was having the cocktail party for a girl that had a friend that distanced herself. That really touched me, and I've found that I've been thinking about it constantly over the past couple weeks.  Right now I've got a really good support structure.  All my neighbors are using my name, my family has all been supportive, but I keep thinking they are going to leave eventually.  It's not rational, especially not right now since everybody is so nice and supportive. I brought this up at group tonight and was openly crying within 5 minutes.  Group didn't really have answers only support.  Afterwards I made it home to my dog and gave him a big hug and the water works started again. I'm in such an odd fragile state, where I should be strong. I really do have everything going for me right now. I really must still hate myself internally to feel this.  Trying to rationalize, figure it and myself out.

I also wanted to thank everyone for your continued support.  I know i don't comment on a lot of personal threads, but I do read them.  I have a hard time with threads and conversations that have a lot of back and forth banter.  It turns me into a wall flower, confused about what to say or how to participate.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo,
I just read your post several times. It seems to me that your fragile state is an insecurity brought on by the experience of the girl distanced by her friend. Your compassion for her has likely made you think about your family and friends. I suspect you imagined yourself in her shoes and it scared the crap out of you. You are in a good place, surrounded by loving friends and family who all support you. It would be a lot for you to lose if the same thing happened to you. But there is no indication your friends and family will distance themselves from you. I believe your empathy for this girl is behind your current fragile state.

Hang in there, you will get past this.

Hugs,
Jayne

Hi Bari Jo, I keep up with your posts as much as I can. I wrote something but it got deleted. I basically mentioned that you were one of the first people to respond to my thread a little while back. And I had a very similar thing happen to me of disbelief for no real reason (that I know of) but I couldn't cry.

Having support is really amazing. But to be honest.. I still feel alone in my thoughts and very unique experiences. I think work through years of "not feeling right" (cliche I know) in ourselves has taken a bigger toll than we may have thought. I know here in NYC, every bridge that can be crossed there's a toll to pay. It seems deciding on hrt isn't what helps us cross over "to the other side" or as "women". It's what's in our hearts and minds.

Sorry for such a cheesy post from me but I really feel your vulnerability and I can relate a lot

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Jayne01 on April 27, 2018, 05:56:32 AM
Bari Jo,
I just read your post several times. It seems to me that your fragile state is an insecurity brought on by the experience of the girl distanced by her friend. Your compassion for her has likely made you think about your family and friends. I suspect you imagined yourself in her shoes and it scared the crap out of you. You are in a good place, surrounded by loving friends and family who all support you. It would be a lot for you to lose if the same thing happened to you. But there is no indication your friends and family will distance themselves from you. I believe your empathy for this girl is behind your current fragile state.

Hang in there, you will get past this.

Hugs,
Jayne

Bari Jo I believe Jayne nailed it I have been like this all my life it has gotten stronger since I started to transition the only thing I have found that helps is the realization that your empathy is causing your distress and not your reality  This shows not that you are weak but rather that you are both strong and caring helping your friend will help you thank you for being so caring we need more people like you in this world

     Bobbisue :)

I believe everyone is right.  My therapist friend echoed the same thoughts too.  She also stressed its extremely unlikely that my friends and family would abandon me.  She knows them all, so hearing this from a third party is comforting.  My mom and dad have both said they will always stick with me too, so I shouldn't worry.

I am starting to see that I have strong empathy.  I never really noticed before.  I had heard before people say that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I thought that meant I didn't hide my opinions.  Instead it means more though.  Perhaps they saw this part of me before I did.

Bobbiesue, I think you are right, now that I know my empathy can cause me to be in this state, I need to recognize it, and work through it rationally.  I don't want to stop it, or minimize as this sounds too much like blocking off my emotions.  Honestly being in tune with my emotions and having them at all is one of the best parts of my transition.

Now I feel like I'm rambling, but at least I feel better.   Thanks everyone, you've made me feel better.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on April 27, 2018, 12:58:16 AM
A bit before in my thread I mentioned how I was having the cocktail party for a girl that had a friend that distanced herself. That really touched me, and I've found that I've been thinking about it constantly over the past couple weeks.  Right now I've got a really good support structure.  All my neighbors are using my name, my family has all been supportive, but I keep thinking they are going to leave eventually.  It's not rational, especially not right now since everybody is so nice and supportive. I brought this up at group tonight and was openly crying within 5 minutes.  Group didn't really have answers only support.  Afterwards I made it home to my dog and gave him a big hug and the water works started again. such an odd fragile state, where I should be strong. I really do have everything going for me right now. I r I'm ineally must still hate myself internally to feel this.  Trying to rationalize, figure it and myself out.

I also wanted to thank everyone for your continued support.  I know i don't comment on a lot of personal threads, but I do read them.  I have a hard time with threads and conversations that have a lot of back and forth banter.  It turns me into a wall flower, confused about what to say or how to participate.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo,

Reading your post a few times made me think of something my therapist has said to me on numerous occasions.  "Where I should be strong" I have felt this way and had the onerus burden of forcing myself to be "strong" all the time.  You are fighting with yourself over expectations that you have set for yourself that aren't achievable.  It is human to feel the way you are.  Emotions are not always rational and to deny yourself the validity of what you are feeling, regardless of the underlying cause, is only causing you more pain.  Facing our feelings and accepting them, whether they are rational or not, is it's own strength.  You are strong, even though you may feel weak.  I fall into this particular trap far too often.  I know this knowledge may not make it easier to deal with, but it's true and I hope that you can take some measure of comfort in that.

I can't add anything to what everyone else has said,  just... <3!!

Today I got a nice surprise.  A neighbor that I barely talk talk to addressed me as Bari Jo.  He used the correct pronouns even. This basically means all the neighbors know now.  I don't really mind, it's just another box getting checked.

Oh, a more fun thing.  Every Sunday I take my dog over to an addiction clinic for women.  He's basically their therapy dog, and he loves the attention.  One girl asked his name, so I told her, and then she said his daddy must really love him with that haircut.  She asked my name and I told her I'm Bari Jo his Mommy. Keep in mind I am misgendered 100% of the time, so correcting anyone isn't common, but it felt good.

Thats it, I'm about to upgrade my internets, so I'm excited.

Bari Jo

 Congrats on the spreading word Bari. And it is really a nice thing you and Fanta do on Sundays.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 01, 2018, 12:36:16 AM
Today I got a nice surprise.  A neighbor that I barely talk talk to addressed me as Bari Jo.  He used the correct pronouns even. This basically means all the neighbors know now.  I don't really mind, it's just another box getting checked.

Oh, a more fun thing.  Every Sunday I take my dog over to an addiction clinic for women.  He's basically their therapy dog, and he loves the attention.  One girl asked his name, so I told her, and then she said his daddy must really love him with that haircut.  She asked my name and I told her I'm Bari Jo his Mommy. Keep in mind I am misgendered 100% of the time, so correcting anyone isn't common, but it felt good.

Thats it, I'm about to upgrade my internets, so I'm excited.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo:    It is such a great relief when people you know, like your neighbor, addresses you correctly... and also you know now that most of the people he knows will know about you... the pressure is off, a great relief for sure.

It is always best to correct any and all mis-gendering directly to the person immediately.... never ignore it and never let it slide.
As you continue in your journey, the mis-genderings will become less and less and will eventually just become a memory.   Hang in there.... the best is yet to come.

I enjoy reading your updates on your thread and your posting elsewhere....
Please continue keeping us in the loop.
Hugs,
Danielle

Alright, now that I've talked through my fear of losing family and friends with my family and friends, I feel a lot better. I've been under a lot of stress at work non trans related, but the stress will be over in a couple weeks.

Now trans related I attended an art opening this weekend.  I went as me, and dyed my hair pink for the night. My hair is almost shaved right now, so it's basically a pink crew cut only shorter.  I also wore eye shadow with glitter which was a first for me.  For dress, skinny jeans, short coral jacket and light blue shirt.  To top it off I wore a name tag with my name on it. This last part was important since this art opening would be full of my old coworkers from my last job and they would not know about me yet.

For the most part it went well.  Many people were distant which made things awkward, but I wanted to do this, and explain to the right people that there is no way I could have come out while working at that job.  It was hostile toward LGBT, and superficially its better now, but I'm told it's still a bit hostile.  I was able to do that which made me happy. Now what I didn't expect was a person that saw me come out thought he was somehow closer to me and wanted to share things about himself that he has kept secret from others too.  That was awkward.  I am not judging anyone's fetish, since I've about tried everything to not be trans, but it got me thinking if this has happened to others.  Do others confide personal secrets to you since they now share yours?

Bari Jo

  Hi Bari Jo,

   Pink crew cut huh? Well, it likely fits you since you have to have short hair for now. It'll grow back. I'm glad you got to do what you want while at the art thingy.
   By have a talk with family over your fears I am going to assume they assured you that you have nothing to worry about. That would be a good thing.
  As for the conspiratorial conversation, Yes, I have had it happen to me. I think it's some sort of quid pro quo thing with some. "I know your secret so I have to tell you one" kind of thing.
  Thanks for giving us an update. You are doing great.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 06, 2018, 11:03:02 PM
I am not judging anyone's fetish, since I've about tried everything to not be trans, but it got me thinking if this has happened to others.  Do others confide personal secrets to you since they now share yours?

Bari Jo

Oh, absolutely. My younger brother went way overboard on this and said a few things I'd honestly preferred to not have ever heard him say. :P My older brother just decided to bring up his drug use as a teenager. You know. Cause those two things are related in the slightest... ;D

There was one guy at work who I confronted when he made some anti trans comments. He later apologised for offending me. I stopped short of actually coming out to him, but he started telling me some things that he wouldn't say to any other guys. I am wondering if he suspects anything about me. It's like Laurie said, some people feel that one secret needs to be balanced by another secret.

Before you know it, your hair will be grown and you will have plenty to dye anyway you like. Though, I'm sure you are rocking the pink crew cut.

Jayne

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 06, 2018, 11:03:02 PM
...
Now what I didn't expect was a person that saw me come out thought he was somehow closer to me and wanted to share things about himself that he has kept secret from others too.  That was awkward.  I am not judging anyone's fetish, since I've about tried everything to not be trans, but it got me thinking if this has happened to others.  Do others confide personal secrets to you since they now share yours?

Bari Jo

LOL, beware!  You must remember how Sarah1972 started a thread asking the same question, and how it gradually turned into an orgy of fetish sharing:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229672.0.html

By the way, the MaryT who posted on that thread is obviously not me but some frustrated, shameless hussy.  OK, some other frustrated, shameless hussy.

Quote from: MaryT on May 07, 2018, 08:22:40 AM
LOL, beware!  You must remember how Sarah1972 started a thread asking the same question, and how it gradually turned into an orgy of fetish sharing:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229672.0.html

By the way, the MaryT who posted on that thread is obviously not me but some frustrated, shameless hussy.  OK, some other frustrated, shameless hussy.

Thanks for this.  I am not trying to begin fetish sharing by any means.  It was only asking about sharing of secrets. I think, @Roll nailed it with her brother telling her about his drug use.  The secrets don't even have to be related, like this.  I didn't think me being trans and my friend having a fetish was related in any way other than confiding in someone.

Less than a week till my next labs.  I can't wait.  My happiness has gone done and I've become cranky over the past month. One girl at group said progesterone made her cranky and she stopped taking that at six months.  I'm on my 8th month of that and am happy to drop it, if my moods can't be explained by higher t or lower e.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Laurie on May 07, 2018, 12:30:36 AM
  Hi Bari Jo,

   Pink crew cut huh? Well, it likely fits you since you have to have short hair for now. It'll grow back. I'm glad you got to do what you want while at the art thingy.
   By have a talk with family over your fears I am going to assume they assured you that you have nothing to worry about. That would be a good thing.
  As for the conspiratorial conversation, Yes, I have had it happen to me. I think it's some sort of quid pro quo thing with some. "I know your secret so I have to tell you one" kind of thing.
  Thanks for giving us an update. You are doing great.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks Laurie, it was only temporary color. It took forever to brush on colored chalk with such short hair.  I must have been brushing it on for an hour. Plus not having my usual blonde made it take even longer to overcome my salt and pepper.  Oof, can't wait to actuallyi have hair to color for real again.

Yup, my family and friends gave me reassuring hugs and said they aren't going anywhere.  It did make me feel better, and knowing they know it's a fear of mine has helped us grow stronger I think.

Btw, I was asked by a couple of people if I had art in the show.  This was gratifying.  I still don't pass, but these people must have at least seen I am trans, and this was a show of women's art.

Bari Jo

QuoteBtw, I was asked by a couple of people if I had art in the show.

With your hair and make-up you didn't reply that YOU were your art?

..... just pondering .....

Quote from: Faith on May 07, 2018, 10:15:31 AM
With your hair and make-up you didn't reply that YOU were your art?

..... just pondering .....

@Faith great reply, nope didn't think of it.  Only new thing to tell is I continue to slowly gain weight and I'm starting to hate the way I look again.  I decided to switch up the diet again, eat more healthy and with the occasional meal replacement bars and shakes.  I need to lose 9 lbs at this point to be where I stopped my diet last time, but honestly 18 lbs till ill be happy again.  Here's to losing the weight.

To help with this quest I bought a blender. Yes, I'm the oldest girl who has never owned a blender. In the battle of ages between Ninja VS Blentec VS Vitamix, I ended up with Vitamix.  The warranty won out and I could get it in red.  Yes this girl likes color.

Bari Jo

MMMMMMMMMMMM RED ( have a red theme throughout my flat) note to self get a red dress (orange is the closest I have)

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 08, 2018, 10:01:18 AM
@Faith great reply, nope didn't think of it.  Only new thing to tell is I continue to slowly gain weight and I'm starting to hate the way I look again.  I decided to switch up the diet again, eat more healthy and with the occasional meal replacement bars and shakes.  I need to lose 9 lbs at this point to be where I stopped my diet last time, but honestly 18 lbs till ill be happy again.  Here's to losing the weight.

To help with this quest I bought a blender. Yes, I'm the oldest girl who has never owned a blender. In the battle of ages between Ninja VS Blentec VS Vitamix, I ended up with Vitamix.  The warranty won out and I could get it in red.  Yes this girl likes color.

Bari Jo

You won't regret looking after yourself.  Good luck with the weight loss. 

Good choice on the VitaMix!  My wife bought one a few years ago, and she loves it.  It'll blend anything in seconds.  She makes whipped cream from cashew nuts.  Just the nuts and some water in the VitaMix, blend for a minute or so and chill.  It's amazing!

I am in the same boat on the weight gain. I managed to keep it pretty stable over the first 15 month of HRT, then it did spiral out of control. Also in the same goal ranges you are, 10 lbs minimum, 20 - 25 ideal. And like you, I hate how I currently look.

Great advice on diet, while I have changed a few things, it is by far not enough yet and I need to add some extra effort there.

Other theme is exercise, I started Gym, 10k step challenge and about to get back into swimming.

Trying to be a pretty women is sooo much work. But also so worth it!

Ke p up the good work on nutrition!

Hugs,

Sarah

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 08, 2018, 10:01:18 AM
@Faith great reply, nope didn't think of it.  Only new thing to tell is I continue to slowly gain weight and I'm starting to hate the way I look again.  I decided to switch up the diet again, eat more healthy and with the occasional meal replacement bars and shakes.  I need to lose 9 lbs at this point to be where I stopped my diet last time, but honestly 18 lbs till ill be happy again.  Here's to losing the weight.

To help with this quest I bought a blender. Yes, I'm the oldest girl who has never owned a blender. In the battle of ages between Ninja VS Blentec VS Vitamix, I ended up with Vitamix.  The warranty won out and I could get it in red.  Yes this girl likes color.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo!

I just read through this whole thread...it didn't feel right to just read the last few pages lol...and I am super glad I did. It is very comforting to follow the journey of somebody who is ahead of you on a path. It affirms that the path can be walked...and in great style. I look forward to reading more as time passes!


xoxoxoxo
Alyssa

Quote from: Alyssa Bree on May 11, 2018, 08:14:07 PM
Hi Bari Jo!

I just read through this whole thread...it didn't feel right to just read the last few pages lol...and I am super glad I did. It is very comforting to follow the journey of somebody who is ahead of you on a path. It affirms that the path can be walked...and in great style. I look forward to reading more as time passes!


xoxoxoxo
Alyssa

Hi Alyssa, thanks for the kind words.  It's hard to believe that I am ahead of anybody.  It seems like I am moving so slowly.  I've been told by a few now that I have a new style since coming out.  I'd just call it finding my groove. I've experimented with dress, hair, nails, makeup, even hobbies and friends.  When I find something that makes me happy, I keep doing that. My latest is deciding on opaque nail polish.  I can't seem to find one I like.  I've tried two, going to try a third today, maybe glitter this time.:)

I think the way I've been handling my transition is a good way though. I'm glad others do too. I dont think this will work for everybody, but if it helps anybody I'm happy.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo,

Glitter nail polish? Okay try it but be forewarned the glitter dosn't like to come off easily. Yes it can be fun but it can also be a bit of a pain.  Glad you are doing well,Hun.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on May 12, 2018, 09:52:04 AM
Hi Bari Jo,

Glitter nail polish? Okay try it but be forewarned the glitter dosn't like to come off easily. Yes it can be fun but it can also be a bit of a pain.  Glad you are doing well,Hun.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I spoke too soon, it's more of a pearlescent pink.  Of the three I tried, I like this one best. I'll probably go to work with this polish on.  My work doesnt care how I dress:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 13, 2018, 09:24:56 AM
I spoke too soon, it's more of a pearlescent pink.  Of the three I tried, I like this one best. I'll probably go to work with this polish on.  My work doesnt care how I dress:)

Bari Jo

Bari Jo:  It is many times the "little things" that make you feel good about yourself in transitioning and making an effort to feel more feminine as you begin to present yourself as your "new you"
 
Even while temporarily having to be in the male-mode for various reasons, details like subtle shades of fingernail and toenail polish, ear studs, eyebrow shaping, hair styling, body hair removal and light makeup, wearing feminine cut clothing and perhaps shoes are great ways to start expressing your feminine side and soon may become an advertisement for your transition intentions.  All of this can help pave the path for you to officially come-out to more and more people that cross your path.

Oh, and @Laurie is absolutely correct about some nail polishes like glitter polish.... it can be very, very difficult to remove completely.  For days after you think that you have removed it... you may still be able to see remnants of the glitter on your fingers.   Also deep and bright shades like blue, maroon, red, etc can be difficult to remove entirely and at the edges of each nail there can be tell-tale signs of it's past existence....   In my own experience, when attempting to remove all traces for whatever reason, I have found that using a discarded toothbrush dipped in polish remover helps to clean up those areas more easily.

I am enjoying reading about your exciting journey... all the trials, tribulations, frustrations and YES, and especially the SUCCESSES too.
Keep the updates coming... and pictures too, as you feel comfortable sharing with us.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle

Bari Jo, I'm going about things as quickly as you are.  My hair is slowly getting longer, I shaved my mustache off and keep it close, I wear a neutral shade of pink on my nails, I wear women's cut clothing.....all no big tells.  I have though began to shave my legs and I need to work on my tan to make that less evident against a white background (my wife's suggestion).  I see in the future the same pace movement towards who I want to be.

Pearlescent pink sounds wonderful!

PS: I guess you should add bigger boobs, but no one has said anything

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 13, 2018, 09:24:56 AM
I spoke too soon, it's more of a pearlescent pink.  Of the three I tried, I like this one best. I'll probably go to work with this polish on.  My work doesnt care how I dress:)

Bari Jo

My fave is called sheer pink it is a pearlesent also.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Quote from: Laurie on May 14, 2018, 12:11:57 AM
My fave is called sheer pink it is a pearlesent also.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

The last time I saw you @Laurie , your two tone creation was interesting.

Quote from: Laurie on May 14, 2018, 12:11:57 AM
My fave is called sheer pink it is a pearlesent also.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

I'm currently using On Cloud Shine from Sally Hansen.  I've tried the more expensive gel coats but this cheaper one is os much more controllable.

Bari Jo

Alright back to more trans issues.  A while back I wrote about being in a funk.  I was actually hoping that it was levels related.  I received my lab results this morning and they are perfect, so it's not that. The only other med I take which we don't test with is progesterone.  I've been taking that about 7 months.  I haven't seen anything online about it causing people to be testy, irritable, depressed so I'm thinking that's not it. It must be other things.  The short hair growing in is grey, I look like a man like this and I've got a project that's finishing up over the next couple weeks. Im now attributing these stresses to being the root of my funk.  The more I talk about it, the better I feel.  Hopefully I will be my old self soon again.  How long does it take to grow hair?  Grrr!

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo!  As far as progesterone, I've read accounts where it can affect your mood dramatically.  It should not be discounted as a cause for your funk.

Hugs, Jess

Quote from: Jessica on May 15, 2018, 09:50:06 AM
Hi Bari Jo!  As far as progesterone, I've read accounts where it can affect your mood dramatically.  It should not be discounted as a cause for your funk.

Hugs, Jess

Interesting.  I'll bring it up to the doc.

Bari Jo

If you suspect it's the hair, how about a wig to tide you over until your own grows?

My hair is too far gone to come back, so it's wigs for me to "tide me over" for the rest of my life.  Or at least hats.  I used to have a ponytail, but I had it for so many years that I've forgotten how long it took me to grow it out.  My maximum length was just past my shoulders.  It probably took a couple of years to grow it that long.

Quote from: KathyLauren on May 15, 2018, 10:47:23 AM
If you suspect it's the hair, how about a wig to tide you over until your own grows?

My hair is too far gone to come back, so it's wigs for me to "tide me over" for the rest of my life.  Or at least hats.  I used to have a ponytail, but I had it for so many years that I've forgotten how long it took me to grow it out.  My maximum length was just past my shoulders.  It probably took a couple of years to grow it that long.

Interesting suggestion.  I did try a few wigs on just to see how I looked in different styles and found one I do like.  However, the hair doc doesn't want anything tight on the scalp while the new hair grows in.  So for the next couple months I have to just struggle.

By then I may just be able to dye it and be happy.  I look fine with short hair, just not a crew but or grey.

Bari Jo

Honestly Bari Jo, your avatar's hair is just like Julie Andrews cute and sassy one

Quote from: Jessica on May 15, 2018, 01:20:38 PM
Honestly Bari Jo, your avatar's hair is just like Julie Andrews cute and sassy one

Thank you Jessica.  That picture was just before the hairline restoration.  I had to be shaved for it, so I'm months away from looking like that again. Plus it's all grey, boo!

Bari Jo

I had hair grafts twice. Shedding and then waiting for growth takes forever, have patience it will pay off. Definitely do not wear anything tight on your scalp. Keep those grafts happy.

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 15, 2018, 09:46:33 AM
Alright back to more trans issues.  A while back I wrote about being in a funk.  I was actually hoping that it was levels related.  I received my lab results this morning and they are perfect, so it's not that. The only other med I take which we don't test with is progesterone.  I've been taking that about 7 months.  I haven't seen anything online about it causing people to be testy, irritable, depressed so I'm thinking that's not it. It must be other things.  The short hair growing in is grey, I look like a man like this and I've got a project that's finishing up over the next couple weeks. Im now attributing these stresses to being the root of my funk.  The more I talk about it, the better I feel.  Hopefully I will be my old self soon again.  How long does it take to grow hair?  Grrr!

Bari Jo

My ending told me that Progesterone can cause PMS like symptoms. I have been taking Progesterone from the start and have not wanted to stop to see if it causes my periodic funky moods. If it is affecting your mood too much, it may be worth going off it for a while or adjusting your dosage, Speak with your doctor.

Hang in there with your short hair issue. It's a short term pain for a long term gain.

Jayne

I've had several doctors swear by Viviscal (Professional Grade) for hair growth, but it takes a few months even then. I'm giving it a try right now.

I didn't realize you can't wear a wig after transplants, that really messes me up since I was hoping to go full time around then! How long did they tell you for that?

Quote from: Roll on May 15, 2018, 08:01:44 PM
I've had several doctors swear by Viviscal (Professional Grade) for hair growth, but it takes a few months even then. I'm giving it a try right now.

I didn't realize you can't wear a wig after transplants, that really messes me up since I was hoping to go full time around then! How long did they tell you for that?

Yeah, I'm told to wait at least 3 months.  I'm about 1.5 months in now.  I can't wait to just have HAIR again!  BTW, @Jessica your Julie Andrews comment has had me smiling all day.  What a roll model she is.  I'd gladly be compared to her, beauty, talent, smarts, spunk.  I love her!

Bari Jo

I had transplants and it took a good six months before it really started to get going. It is a tough time when the hairs are coming through creating all that mess...but I have to say after 12 months I was absolutely astounded by how good it looked. They are expensive (for me they were) but in my book well worth the inconvenience and time it takes to look right.

Quote from: ElizabethK on May 15, 2018, 08:43:19 PM
I had transplants and it took a good six months before it really started to get going. It is a tough time when the hairs are coming through creating all that mess...but I have to say after 12 months I was absolutely astounded by how good it looked. They are expensive (for me they were) but in my book well worth the inconvenience and time it takes to look right.

Six months eef!  I want to hide in a cave till then!  Glad it came in okay.  I am so worried about mine.

Onto more trans story. My local pinball arcade is starting a women's pinball league next month. I've asked if it will be trans inclusive.  You might not know this about me, but I love pinball.  I'm also fairly well known in the local pinball community, so going to this event is a coming out of sorts.  It would also be the first women's group that I will have participated in. They are meeting with their planning committee this Thursday and will bring it up. Fingers crossed.  I really don't want a door shut here, as pinball is impt to me.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 16, 2018, 06:58:58 AM
Six months eef!  I want to hide in a cave till then!  Glad it came in okay.  I am so worried about mine.

Onto more trans story. My local pinball arcade is starting a women's pinball league next month. I've asked if it will be trans inclusive.  You might not know this about me, but I love pinball.  I'm also fairly well known in the local pinball community, so going to this event is a coming out of sorts.  It would also be the first women's group that I will have participated in. They are meeting with their planning committee this Thursday and will bring it up. Fingers crossed.  I really don't want a door shut here, as pinball is impt to me.

Bari Jo

Gosh, pinball!  I don't remember even seeing a real pinball machine since 1979, after which all of the ones I knew about were  replaced by computerised games.

I don't see why trans women shouldn't participate in a women's league.  Even if a trans woman retained the strength of a man, it shouldn't be an advantage.  Men tend to Tilt the machines, either from impatience or using too much force.

Mary, if you were local I would invite you over to my favorite dive bar.  25 pins, and walking distance!

Bari Jo

I just got word, trans women are accepted.  This will be the first women's group I'm attending.  I'm not terribly femme right now, but looking forward to it.  This is not till next month.

Bari Jo

Wow! Awesome! a fun "girls night out"! You go girl. Happy for you, that you can join! You will have a lot of fun!

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 16, 2018, 10:47:52 PM
I just got word, trans women are accepted.  This will be the first women's group I'm attending.  I'm not terribly femme right now, but looking forward to it.  This is not till next month.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 16, 2018, 10:47:52 PM
I just got word, trans women are accepted.  This will be the first women's group I'm attending.  I'm not terribly femme right now, but looking forward to it.  This is not till next month.

Bari Jo

This is great Bari Jo!  It certainly will help with your confidence, and meet new friends to boot!

 Good for you Bari Jo. I feel special because I know pinball machines are a passion of yours. I'm glad you're in the league.

Hugs,
   Laurie

That is so fantastic Bari Jo! Sounds like an awful lot of fun.


xoxoxo
Alyssa

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 16, 2018, 10:47:52 PM
I just got word, trans women are accepted.  This will be the first women's group I'm attending.  I'm not terribly femme right now, but looking forward to it.  This is not till next month.

Bari Jo

Excellent!! That's great news. Have fun!! I have t okayed a pinball machine in years. I used to love those things.

Jayne

More trans news.  Upper mgmt now knows about me at work.  HR had my transition on their agenda.  I only know because one person asked about me to my boss.  She said it was basically a 30 second line just read and then onto the next item. Also somebody asked another coworker why I dress like a girl that coworker knew and told him.  I do like that people notice but wish my hair was already in so I'd be more passable.

That is all for now.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 18, 2018, 02:16:47 PM
More trans news.  Upper mgmt now knows about me at work.  HR had my transition on their agenda.  I only know because one person asked about me to my boss.  She said it was basically a 30 second line just read and then onto the next item. Also somebody asked another coworker why I dress like a girl that coworker knew and told him.  I do like that people notice but wish my hair was already in so I'd be more passable.

That is all for now.

Bari Jo

It's nice that your work is treating your transition as a non event and not making a huge deal out of it. If people ask, they inform them, and then just move on. It shows that they recognise as you as anyborhwr normal person. Your hair will get there. It will need some patience, but worth the wait as your transplants grow and fill in the previously bald sections.

Jayne

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 18, 2018, 02:16:47 PM
More trans news.  Upper mgmt now knows about me at work.  HR had my transition on their agenda.  I only know because one person asked about me to my boss.  She said it was basically a 30 second line just read and then onto the next item. Also somebody asked another coworker why I dress like a girl that coworker knew and told him.  I do like that people notice but wish my hair was already in so I'd be more passable.

That is all for now.

Bari Jo

Sounds all very positive from a work point of view. When you are in that "in-between" time after hair implants where all that seems to be happening is your head erupting and for me a lot of numbness. I found with mine that it goes from looking awful to great in a relatively short period of time and then by 6 months no one can tell anyway. My hairdresser would not have known if I had not told her.

Take care

Liz

Elizabeth, yes, I've got the numbness and also the ingrown hairs which I am afraid to do anything about!  But you are right it is slowly looking better.

Into my funk.  I can't shake it.  It is many parts internalized transphobia, and more parts feeling worthless. The thing is, I used to have so much drive and optimism, but right now it's so hard to just fake a smile.  At group the moderator gave me a hug tonight and said she wants to see me smile again.  I thanked her, but then cried walking back to my car. I can't seem to find joy in anything.  Seeing others happy in group is making me uncomfortable now too.  I can't relate to their joy, it seems so alien and false.  I'm trying to not let all this weigh me down, but it's hard to move right now.

I hate that I have to reach out for support and add yet another downer to my corner too.  I need a hug, and a shoulder, and somebody to tell me things will be better.

Bari Jo

My experience was that I just had to go through that phase and experience the emotions surrounding feeling ridiculous, asking wtf I'm doing, knowing some people will find me ridiculous and crazy, and being pissed off and sad I'm wired this way. 

I spent 40 years fighting it and forcing myself not to feel emotions.  So it seemed reasonable I was going to have some deep feelings around being trans.  And honestly, I think I had to mourn the loss of my false "normal" life and my identity.  Having to accept that person never existed, and I was one of "those people".

I think I accepted myself by realizing there's nothing wrong with being trans, that it's likely the result of genetic and epigenetic factors beyond our control, it's an unusual but normal variation in human beings, and it's really a societal perception issue.

Are you familiar with Kubler-Ross and her stages of grief?  I'm quite sure I had to go through all of them on this journey.  I was stuck at denial for a loooooong time.  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

Quote from: Another Nikki on May 25, 2018, 09:42:59 AM
My experience was that I just had to go through that phase and experience the emotions surrounding feeling ridiculous, asking wtf I'm doing, knowing some people will find me ridiculous and crazy, and being pissed off and sad I'm wired this way. 

I spent 40 years fighting it and forcing myself not to feel emotions.  So it seemed reasonable I was going to have some deep feelings around being trans.  And honestly, I think I had to mourn the loss of my false "normal" life and my identity.  Having to accept that person never existed, and I was one of "those people".

I think I accepted myself by realizing there's nothing wrong with being trans, that it's likely the result of genetic and epigenetic factors beyond our control, it's an unusual but normal variation in human beings, and it's really a societal perception issue.

Are you familiar with Kubler-Ross and her stages of grief?  I'm quite sure I had to go through all of them on this journey.  I was stuck at denial for a loooooong time.  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

Thank you so much, I think I am in the grieving stage now.  I'm past denial, having that beaten out of me by the dysphoria, but yes, the grieving has made me sad.  And yes the awkward phase does nothing to help social dysphoria.  Your response has helped big time.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 25, 2018, 12:27:00 AM
Elizabeth, yes, I've got the numbness and also the ingrown hairs which I am afraid to do anything about!  But you are right it is slowly looking better.

Into my funk.  I can't shake it.  It is many parts internalized transphobia, and more parts feeling worthless. The thing is, I used to have so much drive and optimism, but right now it's so hard to just fake a smile.  At group the moderator gave me a hug tonight and said she wants to see me smile again.  I thanked her, but then cried walking back to my car. I can't seem to find joy in anything.  Seeing others happy in group is making me uncomfortable now too.  I can't relate to their joy, it seems so alien and false.  I'm trying to not let all this weigh me down, but it's hard to move right now.

I hate that I have to reach out for support and add yet another downer to my corner too.  I need a hug, and a shoulder, and somebody to tell me things will be better.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo...  For your own well-being you obviously need to shake these depressing feelings.
Seeing others that seem to be happy with how things are going in their life journey can be a downer for you BUT in reality it it should be an indicator for you that you can succeed also.
Be strong and try your best to maintain a positive attitude.

Please continue keeping us updated.

Big HUGS for you,
Danielle

Quote from: Another Nikki on May 25, 2018, 09:42:59 AM
My experience was that I just had to go through that phase and experience the emotions surrounding feeling ridiculous, asking wtf I'm doing, knowing some people will find me ridiculous and crazy, and being pissed off and sad I'm wired this way. 

I spent 40 years fighting it and forcing myself not to feel emotions.  So it seemed reasonable I was going to have some deep feelings around being trans.  And honestly, I think I had to mourn the loss of my false "normal" life and my identity.  Having to accept that person never existed, and I was one of "those people".

I think I accepted myself by realizing there's nothing wrong with being trans, that it's likely the result of genetic and epigenetic factors beyond our control, it's an unusual but normal variation in human beings, and it's really a societal perception issue.

Are you familiar with Kubler-Ross and her stages of grief?  I'm quite sure I had to go through all of them on this journey.  I was stuck at denial for a loooooong time.  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

Your experience hit me like a ton of bricks.  Thank you. 

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 25, 2018, 12:27:00 AM

I hate that I have to reach out for support and add yet another downer to my corner too.  I need a hug, and a shoulder, and somebody to tell me things will be better.

Bari Jo

I feel like we become so self reliant emotionally over the years trying to survive with the feelings we hold internally, it might make it harder to feel like it is okay to reach out. But the truth is that it is not something to hate, reaching out is something to be proud of. It takes courage!

And I say unequivocally: Things will be better!! (As I myself am terrified going into my transplants in under 2 weeks now, I'm going to probably need to hear that a lot too. ;D)

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 25, 2018, 12:27:00 AM
Elizabeth, yes, I've got the numbness and also the ingrown hairs which I am afraid to do anything about!  But you are right it is slowly looking better.

Into my funk.  I can't shake it.  It is many parts internalized transphobia, and more parts feeling worthless. The thing is, I used to have so much drive and optimism, but right now it's so hard to just fake a smile.  At group the moderator gave me a hug tonight and said she wants to see me smile again.  I thanked her, but then cried walking back to my car. I can't seem to find joy in anything.  Seeing others happy in group is making me uncomfortable now too.  I can't relate to their joy, it seems so alien and false.  I'm trying to not let all this weigh me down, but it's hard to move right now.

I hate that I have to reach out for support and add yet another downer to my corner too.  I need a hug, and a shoulder, and somebody to tell me things will be better.

Bari Jo

Oh no! I am sorry you are feeling so down, Bari Jo. Things WILL be better. Your current mood is only temporary. There is no need to feel bad about asking for support. That is what we are here for. Hang in there girl. We all go through downers at different times in our journey. It really sucks when you're in the middle of it and feeling all those unwanted emotions.

I don't really have any words of wisdom to help you get out of your funk, but I can offer you a virtual hug and reassure you that it gets better.

(((((HUG)))))

Jayne

I just had a surreal moment and I wanted to document it here.  At group tonight somebody said she wants to have hair and wants to be beautiful said like her, and gestured toward me.  I'm like, whaaaat?  I honestly do not feel pretty or like I have hair, but it did make me happy tonight.  Wow, wth?

Bari Jo

That was pretty cool, Bari Jo,pretty cool.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 31, 2018, 11:53:09 PM
I just had a surreal moment and I wanted to document it here.  At group tonight somebody said she wants to have hair and wants to be beautiful said like her, and gestured toward me.  I'm like, whaaaat?  I honestly do not feel pretty or like I have hair, but it did make me happy tonight.  Wow, wth?

Bari Jo

Often we are our own worst critics.  We see the flaws others don't and they see the beauty that we don't.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Girl, I've been saying you're pretty since I got here, don't you trust me?! ;D

Quote from: Roll on June 01, 2018, 10:28:15 AM
Girl, I've been saying you're pretty since I got here, don't you trust me?! ;D

No, I don't, but I appreciate it.  I have a hard time with any compliments. My inner self loathing is difficult to overcome.  I'm trying:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 31, 2018, 11:53:09 PM
I just had a surreal moment and I wanted to document it here.  At group tonight somebody said she wants to have hair and wants to be beautiful said like her, and gestured toward me.  I'm like, whaaaat?  I honestly do not feel pretty or like I have hair, but it did make me happy tonight.  Wow, wth?

Bari Jo

Sounds like she knows what she is talking about. Beauty goes beyond skin deep. You are a beautiful person on the inside and that radiates out for all the world to see. Whether your hair is short or not makes no difference to how beautiful you are.

Take the compliment girl, the person in your group knows what she is talking about.

Jayne

Quote from: Bari Jo on May 31, 2018, 11:53:09 PM
I just had a surreal moment and I wanted to document it here.  At group tonight somebody said she wants to have hair and wants to be beautiful said like her, and gestured toward me.  I'm like, whaaaat?  I honestly do not feel pretty or like I have hair, but it did make me happy tonight.  Wow, wth?

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo

I have just caught up with your thread again and hope you are beginning to feel a little better than you have been. Reaching out takes courage as its not a natural thing for many of us to want to do. Maybe that person see's it as just part of you as you have always been. Your new hair must be getting close to being in distinguishable from the hair that was their pre transplants?

For the last 10 - 15 years I had seen myself as balding with obvious signs of hair loss. To then look in the mirror around the 4-5 month stage post implant and see the person with nearly a full head of hair was really disconcerting and something that took me a while to get used too.

Sounds to me like your hair is looking really good and much better than you think.  :) The person who paid you that complement was talking about you as a whole person and that included your physical looks. It can take a fair amount of time for our brains to see what everyone else already can.

Take care

Liz

Thanks for the nice comments everybody.  I think the person thinks I have more hair than I do based on how much she has. She's probably 20 years older with more pattern baldness than I'm dealing with.  It's only been 2.5 months since the procedure for me.  All redness is now gone, but there's very little regrowth at the moment.  I think it's called the dormant phase. Still though, if she thinks that's a lot of hair, in a few months ths it should be way better

I hope I'm considered beautiful inside.  I do strive to be a good person. I know I'm no angel and I've done things I'm ashamed of, but I am trying to be better, best I can be.

Now, as far as exterior beauty, that is a whole other thing. Maybe there's therapy group just for that.
Eef, I'm glad I'm not the only one with image problems.

Okay, I had another thing happen that I'd like to document.  I've been talking with someone online for a couple weeks and he's been using my name Bari for all this time.  He saw my dead name on another link and used that a couple times.  I know he's not doing it on purpose to hurt, and I didn't expect it to hurt, but it did. I had to tell him to stop immediately.  It felt like all the progress I made evaporated each time I saw my dead name.

Alright, all for now.  I'm starting to feel better too, thanks for the concern on that front as well.

Bari Jo

  I have noticed that I have been becoming more bothered by seeing my old name too. It used to not bother me at all. But I think since I began emerging from my bout with what my therapist deemed "Major Depression" it began bothering me. I do not know why. Perhaps it signaled me finally beginning to accept myself. Anyway my distaste for my old name has increased since then and more so now that my name was officially, legally changed. I know I have to live with it for awhile more since the only thing I have changed to date is my BofA account. I was surprised how good it made me feel seeing the confirmation email salutation saying "Laurie" and then going into my online account and seeing my whole new name on the account.
  I know it is a little thing but it made me happy. There is a lot of work to be done before it become a common thing but it will happen. Of course that will mean I'll see less of old what's his name.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I just got back from my first women's only group.  This is the local women's pinball league.  I was welcomed and everybody used my name (I wore a nametag).  Nobody questioned it and I even got hugs.  I got choked up from all the good feelings there.  Wow, so this is how it is to be yourself with other women.  I am so happy right now, I can hardly contain it.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/knxv2aj8fkuqday/FB_IMG_1528176656224.jpg?raw=1)

Im the one in the hat.  Yes I have a long way to go, but still....

Bari Jo

 Bari Jo Bari Jo Bari Jo.. tsk tsk tsk. Get your hands out of your pockets. How many girls do you see standing around with their hands in their pockets. You are in a perfect position with those other women to pick up some pointers. Use the opportunity wisely. girl. and keep you hands out of your pockets.
  Looking good and happy amongst your peers Hun. Have fun.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on June 05, 2018, 01:01:06 AM
Bari Jo Bari Jo Bari Jo.. tsk tsk tsk. Get your hands out of your pockets. How many girls do you see standing around with their hands in their pockets. You are in a perfect position with those other women to pick up some pointers. Use the opportunity wisely. girl. and keep you hands out of your pockets.
  Looking good and happy amongst your peers Hun. Have fun.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks for the guidance Laurie, I need as much as I can get!  Great new picture too!  You look happier than before as well.  Are we both out of our funk?

Bari Jo

Thank you Bari Jo. I thought I should look and therefore feel good for my new driver's license. Yes I think I am pretty well out of my funk. Though I feel like I am waiting for the bad times to return. I know it's sad to feel that way but I  do. For now at least I am happy.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Bari Jo on June 05, 2018, 01:27:26 AM
Thanks for the guidance Laurie, I need as much as I can get!  Great new picture too!  You look happier than before as well.  Are we both out of our funk?

Bari Jo

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

They have a different vibe those women-only groups don't they? [emoji4]
I'm glad it was a fun and positive experience, but yes, hands out of pockets! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: Megan. on June 05, 2018, 03:27:53 AM
They have a different vibe those women-only groups don't they? [emoji4]
I'm glad it was a fun and positive experience, but yes, hands out of pockets! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Yes, very different, but fun and positive. Nothing but acceptance. I'm wondering if they were told ahead of time a trans woman would be joining. Nobody did a double take, everybody was just there to have a good time and it was non competitive.  I may have made a friend there too.

Bari Jo

Today was interesting.  When I left for work this morning, I realized the jacket I chose to wear still had a tiny transgender pride flag on the collar.  I had been pinning that on when going to trans meetings, pride things, doctors visits, basically anyplace where I'm positive the reception would be fine.  So it's on the jacket I'm wearing.  I decide to leave it on. Later in the day, I had a review which included one of my favorite composers.  I knew he was coming so I brought one of his soundtracks to sign, in case I had the opportunity to ask.  Well, I did, and he graciously did.  He asked my name, then he saw my name badge with my dead name on it.  He asked if he should make it out to that name.  I said yes, only spell it Bari, and he did, no questions. Perhaps he saw the pin, no idea.  My team was there at the time, and nobody seemed to think it was unusual that I wanted a different spelling.  I may keep wearing the pin to work, not sure.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on June 07, 2018, 12:37:11 AM
Today was interesting.  When I left for work this morning, I realized the jacket I chose to wear still had a tiny transgender pride flag on the collar.  I had been pinning that on when going to trans meetings, pride things, doctors visits, basically anyplace where I'm positive the reception would be fine.  So it's on the jacket I'm wearing.  I decide to leave it on. Later in the day, I had a review which included one of my favorite composers.  I knew he was coming so I brought one of his soundtracks to sign, in case I had the opportunity to ask.  Well, I did, and he graciously did.  He asked my name, then he saw my name badge with my dead name on it.  He asked if he should make it out tdo that name.  I said yes, only spell it Bari, and he did, no questions. Perhaps he saw the pin, no idea.  My team was there at the time, and nobody seemed to think it was unusual that I wanted a different spelling.  I may keep wearing the pin to work, not sure.

Bari Jo

This is a subtle expression, but a very large step.  To become comfortable to be able to show this is you.  It makes you feel wonderful doesn't it.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Quote from: Jessica on June 08, 2018, 10:01:13 AM
This is a subtle expression, but a very large step.  To become comfortable to be able to show this is you.  It makes you feel wonderful doesn't it.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

I think so Jess.  It almost helps during this awkward phase when people can't tell why I am wearing makeup, or dressing this way.  When I got home last night, I looked up other transgender pins and I ordered one. Needless to say I'm a huge Star Wars fan, so this was a no brainer.  I do wish it said "Rebel" instead though, but this is the new generation of Star Wars:)

Here's a pict of the pin I ordered.

Bari Jo

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/3nkdvaew7ikljqp/IMG_4787-trans__52094.1489728102.jpg?raw=1)

As an addition, another pointed out that Resist was actually for the resist movement, not the Resistance from the new Star Wars series.  I looked up the description and sure enough they are correct.  I've canceled my order.  I'm just not a political person.

Bari Jo

May the Force be with you

Tonight I came out to a childhood friend.  It was very emotional on my part.  He on the other hand was very understanding and supportive the whole time.  I cried a lot, but as we were chatting online, it was bareable to get through.  As this is my first childhood friend that knows, I'm sure others will follow, if not from me directly, but also as people gossip.

Emotionally drained, I'm ready to sleep early.

Bari Jo

I keep having minor coming outs that are just amazing.  My latest is on a private group I belong to where each member builds electronic games.  Three of the members started texting me over a few days to congratulate me and offer support.  It was so lovely, I got choked up so many times chatting with these three.  I know building games is just a hobby for me currently but I pour my heart and soul into these games and being accepted by my peers is so gratifying.

I go by Bari Jo there and have been for about three months.  Nobody really noticed, even though my profile picture is the same there as here.  What tipped off the group makes me think how small the world is.  One member of the women's pinball group is a cousin of someone in the game group.  They each live in separate states.  People talk and it all turned out well.

I am amazed that so many people support and accept me.  I need to learn from that to accept myself more.  In that vein, I am going to start wearing a tiny transgender pride flag pin.  It's not to say look at me I am trans, it's more of a reminder to myself that it's okay to be trans.

That is all for today.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on June 14, 2018, 08:35:04 PM
I keep having minor coming outs that are just amazing.  My latest is on a private group I belong to where each member builds electronic games.  Three of the members started texting me over a few days to congratulate me and offer support.  It was so lovely, I got choked up so many times chatting with these three.  I know building games is just a hobby for me currently but I pour my heart and soul into these games and being accepted by my peers is so gratifying.

I go by Bari Jo there and have been for about three months.  Nobody really noticed, even though my profile picture is the same there as here.  What tipped off the group makes me think how small the world is.  One member of the women's pinball group is a cousin of someone in the game group.  They each live in separate states.  People talk and it all turned out well.

I am amazed that so many people support and accept me.  I need to learn from that to accept myself more.  In that vein, I am going to start wearing a tiny transgender pride flag pin.  It's not to say look at me I am trans, it's more of a reminder to myself that it's okay to be trans.

That is all for today.

Bari Jo

Congratulations, Bari Jo, on another successful coming out. You are a great person and the people in your group like you, the person, irrespective of gender.

Such a coincidence with the connection between your pinball group and the game group. I'm so happy it worked out well.

Wearing the trans pin m, for yourself, is a nice idea. I was thinking of doing something similar with a necklace pendant. I should start searching around to see if there are any nice pendants that I like. Small gestures such as this for ourselves are a good way to maintain a positive outlook. Be proud of who you are.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Bari Jo on June 14, 2018, 08:35:04 PM
I am amazed that so many people support and accept me.  I need to learn from that to accept myself more.  In that vein, I am going to start wearing a tiny transgender pride flag pin.  It's not to say look at me I am trans, it's more of a reminder to myself that it's okay to be trans.

That's my feeling with my trans flag as well. It's not an advertisement, just... I dunno exactly, it's something that makes me feel like I am being honest with the world even if I'm not dressing the part at the moment. Plus the potential outreach to others.

At work I got asked about the pin.  They asked if it was the Israeli flag of all things.  I told them they don't want to know.  I immediately felt like crying and had to excuse myself.  This was exactly the opposite of what I wanted of the pin.  I came back and had a sit down with the person and explained that I was sorry and I am wearing it to help me deal with shame, and it's a transgender pride pin.  He immediately said I picked a great month for it.  I felt better and was able to complete my day.  Oh, that was hard, but I got through it.

Onto good stuff.  I saw Incredibles 2, and loved it.  I have a new female idol and she's from the movie.  Her name is Evelyn Deavor and she's a designer much like myself.  She's got style and short hair, and her makeup is like mine.  I am totally copying her look.  I know I'm a dorky fangirl!  Here's a pict of her looks!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/ds8tivxe6gfj8px/Evelyn-Deavor-4-15-18.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on June 17, 2018, 04:28:55 PM
At work I got asked about the pin.  They asked if it was the Israeli flag of all things.  I told them they don't want to know.  I immediately felt like crying and had to excuse myself.  This was exactly the opposite of what I wanted of the pin.  I came back and had a sit down with the person and explained that I was sorry and I am wearing it to help me deal with shame, and it's a transgender pride pin.  He immediately said I picked a great month for it.  I felt better and was able to complete my day.  Oh, that was hard, but I got through it.

Onto good stuff.  I saw Incredibles 2, and loved it.  I have a new female idol and she's from the movie.  Her name is Evelyn Deavor and she's a designer much like myself.  She's got style and short hair, and her makeup is like mine.  I am totally copying her look.  I know I'm a dorky fangirl!  Here's a pict of her looks!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/ds8tivxe6gfj8px/Evelyn-Deavor-4-15-18.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Bari Jo, well done on turning things around with the pin incident. You initially had a reaction you didn't expect or want, took some time to collect yourself and went right back to have a talk with the person. As a result, you started feeling better. In the end, the pin had the exact effect you wanted it to, it made you feel proud and also helped you to deal with some issues. (((Hug)))

Incidentally, you have inspired me to find something for myself to wear for transgender pride. I was thinking a necklace or bracelet. I found a few online but they would all need to be shipped from overseas and I really would like something before this month is over. I will look in the shops today while I am in the city. If I don't find anything, I might buy some beads and make my own necklace with the transgender pride colours.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Bari Jo on June 17, 2018, 04:28:55 PM
At work I got asked about the pin.  They asked if it was the Israeli flag of all things.  I told them they don't want to know.  I immediately felt like crying and had to excuse myself.  This was exactly the opposite of what I wanted of the pin.  I came back and had a sit down with the person and explained that I was sorry and I am wearing it to help me deal with shame, and it's a transgender pride pin.  He immediately said I picked a great month for it.  I felt better and was able to complete my day.  Oh, that was hard, but I got through it.

Onto good stuff.  I saw Incredibles 2, and loved it.  I have a new female idol and she's from the movie.  Her name is Evelyn Deavor and she's a designer much like myself.  She's got style and short hair, and her makeup is like mine.  I am totally copying her look.  I know I'm a dorky fangirl!  Here's a pict of her looks!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/ds8tivxe6gfj8px/Evelyn-Deavor-4-15-18.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

I just saw Incredibles 2 also with my grandson.  I told him that Edna Mode (she designs all the Incredibles clothing now in perpetuity) was my new favorite.

Onto more things...  This weekend is OC pride, which I plan on attending.  I still feel no pride, but I'm forcing myself to remain visible.

I am also out now to a childhood friend that has a trans daughter.  She saw my picts on Facebook and my posts and guessed correctly that I am like her daughter.

Ive come out to a couple other relatives by request too, and they are all supportive.  I am not comfortable coming out to any more people right now mainly because I don't feel femme or look femme. I look like a gay man, which in my opinion, I've always been mistaken for a gay man.  Transition sucks.  In a few weeks, I will be able to dye my hair again, and this time it'll be all about pushing my femininity. I'm thinking pink or very light purple.

And one more thing.  I bought a dance pad and I love it.  This is now part of my losing weight regimen. The one I bought, can be rolled up and taken on trips.  I may get a nicer sturdy one for home.

Bari Jo

Pride fest was here in santa ana this weekend, and I went along with a couple of pinball ladies that I have befriended. I was mainly there to enjoy drinks with the ladies, the actual pride part with bands and booths were secondary.  We went to three different locations and had drinks and at each successive location the drinks seemed stronger and the conversation more personal. I was surprised just how many things the girls revealed to me.  I think maybe I'm a good listener, or just I gave off the friend vibe. It made me feel wonderful that these ladies accepted me enough to talk openly.  One girl in particular I really hit it off with. She's beautiful and tall, six foot, and hilariously complained that her fingernails were too manish.  She liked mine better, which I laughed inside.  Anyway, she's a geek like me, likes beer (rated every beer we had), and builds things.  I can see us becoming fast friends.

It feels wonderful having an experience like this.  I'm still feeling a little high from it.  It seems weird, but I can see how this intimacy and closeness can be a craving.  Maybe I will be less of an introvert the more I'm out.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on June 24, 2018, 04:19:50 PM

It feels wonderful having an experience like this.  I'm still feeling a little high from it.  It seems weird, but I can see how this intimacy and closeness can be a craving.  Maybe I will be less of an introvert the more I'm out.

Bari Jo

That has definitely been the case for me, it has been really strange. It's like a complete 180.

Quote from: Bari Jo on June 24, 2018, 04:19:50 PM
Pride fest was here in santa ana this weekend, and I went along with a couple of pinball ladies that I have befriended. I was mainly there to enjoy drinks with the ladies, the actual pride part with bands and booths were secondary.  We went to three different locations and had drinks and at each successive location the drinks seemed stronger and the conversation more personal. I was surprised just how many things the girls revealed to me.  I think maybe I'm a good listener, or just I gave off the friend vibe. It made me feel wonderful that these ladies accepted me enough to talk openly.  One girl in particular I really hit it off with. She's beautiful and tall, six foot, and hilariously complained that her fingernails were too manish.  She liked mine better, which I laughed inside.  Anyway, she's a geek like me, likes beer (rated every beer we had), and builds things.  I can see us becoming fast friends.

It feels wonderful having an experience like this.  I'm still feeling a little high from it.  It seems weird, but I can see how this intimacy and closeness can be a craving.  Maybe I will be less of an introvert the more I'm out.

Bari Jo

I know I feel like I'm one of the girls when out for mani/pedis with my girlfriends.  It's an acceptance that makes me more comfortable with my own personal truth.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Oh yes!! That's fantastic, Bari Jo! Those types of interactions are so important and affirming, and so necessary to moving forward. I love seeing you taking step after step toward your goal, and all the positive results. Congratulations, girlfriend!

Stephanie

Alright, now that my hair is finally growing in, I'm in dire need of coloring it again.  I've been doing blonde and dirty blonde, and ash blonde for decades.  Now that I accept who I am, I want something more girly but still looks like me. Help me decide what would look best on me.  Here's some ideas all courtesy of Pretty Makeup.

I'm doing this end of July for my B-day!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/bhxv2kyb8puin6m/hair_color.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

PINK BLUE GRADIENT!

I really like the 1st one top left 1st row.

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I'm learning toward purple myself too.  The pink and blue is a bit too young for me.  If I was your age, it would be perfect Ellie.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on June 27, 2018, 10:45:03 AM
I'm learning toward purple myself too.  The pink and blue is a bit too young for me.  If I was your age, it would be perfect Ellie.

Bari Jo

Pfffffffffffffft, you are plenty young! If my hair was thicker and I could style it right, I would do it in a heartbeat at this point. ;D

Purple is a great choice though!

My sister and my mom have talked me out of the more saturated colors.  They have shown me some lighter blonde and strawberry blonde colors that I like.  I'll start with one of these and see where it takes me.

Ellie, you will have thicker and more dense hair soon enough.  Does this mean you will do the color?  I hope so!

Now onto some trans updates.  My work has ordered me name badges and name plates with Bari Jo on them.  I'm not out completely so I just have them waiting till I am out to all my coworkers.

Yesterday I organized another cocktail event with the neighbors.  I am finding myself more at ease at these events.  I realized that in my community I'm pretty much the one driving us to be more social.  This is coming from an introvert that so wants to be an extrovert. After the event I got thank yous from many people, but one in particular touched me.  She thanked me for having such a feminine tendency to bring people together. That made me a happy girl:)

Bari Jo

My sister yelled at me about how it would ruin my hair, but I've never done anything like that so if I get my hair grown out and it will look decent, I'm going to do it. ;D

There are shades of purple hair that look just fine on "older" ladies.

Laura Dern in the last Star Wars movie for example.  I don't consider her old as she is younger than me, but she is 50+

If this works

https://goo.gl/images/DcVEU3


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Hi Tonya, the first thought I had when I saw that in the movie, is I want that color.  I think next weekend I'm going to color.  I can't wait.

I had a great experience today.  I'm out with my dad, sister and friend at a five guys.  As I went to get a drink a girl is smiling at me, and compliments my eyeliner.  She said I've mastered it.  Truth be told I put it on the night before and thought it wasn't even visible.  I thanked her and said I'm just learning.  I'm fairly certain this attention was from also wearing the trans flag pin.  As she left, she gave me a hi five on the way out and said, keep rocking it.  This surprised my company, but built self esteem for me.  Lots of questions all around.  This made me feel like allies everywhere are sweet.  Today is a good day:)

Bari Jo

There is nothing quite like some unsolicited support from unexpected quarters!! Nice outcome...

I had another interesting happening over the weekend.  I met some friends of a distant family member.  They were very sweet, and excited to meet and talk with me.  My pup seemed to help this too. Anyway, I learned that they knew immediately that I was trans and were in support mode 100%.  Apparently they had a son that was trans and could not handle the pressure and ended up committing suicide.  I think we all know this kind of pressure.  Anyway these people were so sweet and understanding.

I bought my first pair of heels this weekend.  They are low heels and I'll wear them to work even though I'm not totally out.  They are just enough to know they are feminine.  Btw, I do have another pair of heels that I consider training heels.  I'll only wear them to group.

Oh, I went through drawers at my old room in my dad's house.  I found some Chinese silk pajamas.  I totally remember dressing in these in high school and felt so feminine.  I ordered myself a new pair:)

Onto new things.  I am about to the point where I can get my hair done again.  I have scheduled an appt for July 28th.  This plows me to be pretty for my bday, and also go to a trans pride clinic as my pretty self.  As for color, I still don't know.

Bari Jo

Strawberry blond would look awesome on you!  Not too far out, but stunning!

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 05, 2018, 05:20:02 PM
Hi Tonya, the first thought I had when I saw that in the movie, is I want that color.  I think next weekend I'm going to color.  I can't wait.

I had that thought also, but I already went with red so I'd have to bleach it if I wanted to change. Been pretty happy with the red so don't really want to change anyway.

If you're not sure about a color for yourself, start with a lighter shade.  It's a lot easier to go darker later than other way around.

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I just got the email, now I'm ecstatic.  I have been chosen to be part of the local university's voice and communication clinic.  This is a free clinic offered for transgender voice therapy.  The wait list apparently is crazy big, and I was chosen, yay!  This starts in September.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo,

Your very own voice therapy.  Good for you.  Fitting in one more piece of the puzzle.  The finished picture will be something that pleases you when it is finished.  We can see it coming together.  Looking good already.

Stevi

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 10, 2018, 05:07:02 AM
I just got the email, now I'm ecstatic.  I have been chosen to be part of the local university's voice and communication clinic.  This is a free clinic offered for transgender voice therapy.  The wait list apparently is crazy big, and I was chosen, yay!  This starts in September.

Bari Jo

Congratulations...well done. Getting your voice right is such an important thing I suspect surgery is the only thing that will really do me any good...but I will persevere with my lessons LOL

Bari Jo, congratulations on being chosen for the voice clinic. Voice is very important for our own overall image of ourselves. It is probably the most dysphoric part of me at the moment. I hope the clinic helps you get the results you desire.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 10, 2018, 05:07:02 AM
I just got the email, now I'm ecstatic.  I have been chosen to be part of the local university's voice and communication clinic.  This is a free clinic offered for transgender voice therapy.  The wait list apparently is crazy big, and I was chosen, yay!  This starts in September.

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo
Wow, that is fantastic news....  is this an ongoing thing with the university offerering free voice clinics ... or is this going to be some special experimental type voice training???  Either way, the price is right for sure. 

How many sessions and/or how long is the clinic???

Please keep us updated.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Hi Danielle, it's once a week for ten weeks. This is the first time this is offered, but I think it will be ongoing.  I'm so stoked for this.  My voice currently is awful.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 10, 2018, 08:35:15 PM
Hi Danielle, it's once a week for ten weeks. This is the first time this is offered, but I think it will be ongoing.  I'm so stoked for this.  My voice currently is awful.

Bari Jo

Voice is the first thing I'm doing in Atlanta for sure. Trans guys are so lucky in that regard. ;D

I'm having interesting times and interesting comings out.  I am now out to my two closest friends from high school.  I've been a bad friend over the decades.  I had been caccooning myself and hiding forever, completely ignoring my old life.  My old friends didn't care though.  They are coming to visit this fall.  One even said he views me as his little sister.  That made me cry.

Another happening is I met the mother of a trans girl.  For reasons unknown we hit it off and had in depth conversations about being trans, feelings, guilt, shame, and GD.  Her child ended up in suicide after puberty caused too much stress to take.  Speaking with her was therapeutic for me, and I hope she got as much out of it too.  I met this person on vacation, although we had a mutual friend we didn't know about the other.  It's weird the way the universe works.  My tagline below is from her child.  I find it beautiful.

Other than this, I'm using a new picture for my avatar.  I wear the hat near daily.  This has a bit more makeup than I usually wear, but this is me.  I'm slowly becoming the girl that I feel I am.

Bari Jo

So in this update I'm showing my current look with my neighbors.  I'm also shopping in this outfit tomorrow.  The hair is starting to grow in!  In two weeks I get it colored too.  Anyway, this is me, no alteration.  Let the critique begin...

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/wbkw89wfsa027hn/DSCPDC_0002_BURST20180714181151102_COVER.JPG?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Looking good Bari Jo!!!

You look good, happy.

What color are you going for your hair?

I'm happy, definitely.  I do like the look I have.  When the hair grows in, I will look like a lady that's my age, and I am okay with that.  However, the hidden extrovert in me is getting strawberry blonde color.  The colorist called it sparkling rose.  In two weeks I'll have it, I can't wait!  Maybe I'll look a bit younger:)

Bari Jo

  Hi Bari Jo,

  I know long time since you heard from me directly. I could claim I've been busy and wow I would be telling the truth. What with running all over the country, then the Astoria Pride festivities and then there's that girlfriend thing. Dang they take a lot of time and attention. I'm beginning to think life was simpler before though more depressing. But we will not go there okay?
  Your new look is progressing well Bari. I have been reading your updates when I can and think it is great the way you have been getting out and moving forward with transitioning in the various aspects of your life. You know the woman's pinball league, hair transplants, clothes etc. you are doing well Hun, you just keep it up. Give Fanta a petting and hug from me will ya?

  Hugs,
   Laurie

Thats a great photo Bari Jo!  I love the hippie chic look.

Great pic Bari Jo, I don't see male in you at all.

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Your looking good Bari Jo. Can't wait to see the new hair colour. Make sure you post a new picture after you have it done.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Laurie on July 15, 2018, 08:31:11 PM
you are doing well Hun, you just keep it up. Give Fanta a petting and hug from me will ya?

  Hugs,
   Laurie

Hi Laurie, yes I really am.  It takes work, but work I'm happy to put in. Fanta loved the extra pets from you. For others, Fanta is my red standard poodle.  About 7 months ago I had a scare with him health wise, but he's all better now.

Jayne, if course I will post a picture with the new hair!! Alison, unfortunately AI and most people still see male.  If I really work on the makeup, AI sees me as female.  So that's my new goal.  Judi, I'm a hippie chic?  I do love the look.  I'm so enjoying developing the Bari Jo style.  I went shopping and bought more embroidered clothes and ladies sneakers.  It is really helping with my perception of myself and others of me.

Oh, if girls are interested, ladies jeans are awesome in their cut and fit.  However, if they don't have a bit of embroidery of glam on them the average person will think they are still men's jeans.  So now, it's Miss Me and Grace in LA instead of Levi's and Lee.

Bari Jo

Today I learned the phrases.  "Your shirt has darts and you have boobs.  People will notice that.". Predictably, I then had the biggest smile on my face!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 17, 2018, 05:08:44 PM
Today I learned the phrases.  "Your shirt has darts and you have boobs.  People will notice that.". Predictably, I then had the biggest smile on my face!

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo    That is a very cute and most happy report.... yes, darts indeed.  ... and the boobs, yes people will indeed notice that also.  Then the skirt, the shoes, your hair style, makeup, toe and finger nails polished, etc, etc.   Lots to do to get ready to go out, even for a casual event.

I am really enjoying following your journey, it just keeps getting better and better.

Hugs,
Danielle

@Bari Jo  Hey Looking great! Can't wait to see your new hair colour when it gets done _ I LOVE coloured hair! and I adore those jeans you're wearing in your photo - Cute!

Sonja.

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 17, 2018, 06:45:34 PM
@Bari Jo  

I am really enjoying following your journey, it just keeps getting better and better.

Hugs,
Danielle

Same! I'm one of Bari Jo's loyal groupie lol

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 17, 2018, 05:08:44 PM
Today I learned the phrases.  "Your shirt has darts and you have boobs.  People will notice that.". Predictably, I then had the biggest smile on my face!

Bari Jo

As you should  ;D

Thanks everybody, I've been such a wall flower my whole adult life, reading these comments warms my heart greatly. I've mentioned before that I do read a lot of people's posts,  but find it difficult to respond to threads when there's already a dynamic there.  It's like listening in at the group of cool girls talking and joking, but not finding the nerve to join in.  Anyway, thank you for being my cool girls:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 19, 2018, 08:27:32 AM
Thanks everybody, I've been such a wall flower my whole adult life, reading these comments warms my heart greatly. I've mentioned before that I do read a lot of people's posts,  but find it difficult to respond to threads when there's already a dynamic there.  It's like listening in at the group of cool girls talking and joking, but not finding the nerve to join in.  Anyway, thank you for being my cool girls:)

Hi Bari Jo,

I'm still here, though I don't say too much. I've been watching your progress and take a lot of joy watching you grow. You're doing great!

I thought of you the other day when this storefront caught my eye as I was on my way to a friends place. It's a pretty cool thing you do...

http://www.pinball-restorations.com (http://www.pinball-restorations.com)

Keep on keepin' on!



Stephanie

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 19, 2018, 08:27:32 AM
It's like listening in at the group of cool girls talking and joking, but not finding the nerve to join in.

Hun, you are one of the cool girls.  I try to read everyone's threads, but there's just so many of them that I don't always have time to comment.  I love reading about your progress!

Quote from: KathyLauren on July 19, 2018, 09:20:13 AM
Hun, you are one of the cool girls.

Oh, excellent, point, Kathy! Bari Jo, there is always a spot held open for you in the cool girl's group. They're always waiting for you to join in. Maybe someday I'll get a slot, too!


Stephanie

Sometimes its hard to comment on all the threads I read so I wouldn't be too concerned about that...so it looks like you just joined the cool girls group....congrats LOL

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 19, 2018, 08:27:32 AM
Thanks everybody, I've been such a wall flower my whole adult life, reading these comments warms my heart greatly. I've mentioned before that I do read a lot of people's posts,  but find it difficult to respond to threads when there's already a dynamic there.  It's like listening in at the group of cool girls talking and joking, but not finding the nerve to join in.  Anyway, thank you for being my cool girls:)

Bari Jo

I have brought you up when speaking with family a few times (mostly my sister) and it always ends with "she is my hero!". You have done some truly awesome things, you are the coolest girl I know and I'm not just saying that.

Hey, even just in general, we're the transgender nerdy girls, in terms of cool we're about as in as can be right know! ;D

Quote from: Roll on July 21, 2018, 07:36:21 AM
I have brought you up when speaking with family a few times (mostly my sister) and it always ends with "she is my hero!". You have done some truly awesome things, you are the coolest girl I know and I'm not just saying that.

Hey, even just in general, we're the transgender nerdy girls, in terms of cool we're about as in as can be right know! ;D

This has warmed my heart like no other quote.  Thank you Ellie.  You have no idea what this does to my confidence.

Bari Jo

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 19, 2018, 10:37:27 PM
Sometimes its hard to comment on all the threads I read so I wouldn't be too concerned about that...so it looks like you just joined the cool girls group....congrats LOL

In truth Liz, Bari Jo has been part of that group for a long while!

Hugs, Jess 🌸🌸🌸

I thought I'd post one last picture of me with the drab grey.  This is me at the women's pinball league with the one girl I hit it off with best.  I wear the hat to hide the short grey but next weekend it gets colored, yay!

Anyway, this is me no image modification.  I'm slowly becoming the girl I am inside.  Finally!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/nmg2ld5wuwzh94a/aviary-image-1531795072396_01.jpg?raw=1)

It is so good to hear the satisfaction in your writings...its clear that what you are doing is really making you happy and a big difference in your life.

Take care

Liz

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 21, 2018, 04:48:54 PM
I thought I'd post one last picture of me with the drab grey.  This is me at the women's pinball league with the one girl I hit it off with best.  I wear the hat to hide the short grey but next weekend it gets colored, yay!

Anyway, this is me no image modification.  I'm slowly becoming the girl I am inside.  Finally!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/nmg2ld5wuwzh94a/aviary-image-1531795072396_01.jpg?raw=1)

@Bari Jo .... great photo of you and your blue haired friend...
...may I ask what color for your hair are you going to choose for your own hair? 

It is certainly a nice feeling to confidently post pictures of yourself without any image modification....  it demonstrates your self-assurance.

Once you get your hair colored, you obviously will post a picture... right???
Thanks for sharing your life with all of us.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Bari Jo, Just look at that smile!  You are way beyond being one of the cool girls.  You are LA Cool!   Is that a cup of iced coffee? 

Hi Judi, thanks i love that you think I'm LA cool:).

Liz, I really am doing things that make me happy.  I love when I see a genuine smile now.  Before I came out, I couldn't even fake a snile anymore.  Now, I do love life and even beginning to love myself.

Danielle, I'm leaving it up to my stylist, but she told my her favorite color for me at the moment is sparkling rose.  I took a pict of the color and bought nail polish to match.  Yes, I am that kind of girl:)

I can't wait till next week!

Bari Jo

Today was a fun day.  I was completely absorbed by busy work.  But I was interrupted by my favorite producer who entered my office and closed the door.  She gave me a gift which I gleefully unwrapped.  Inside was Fanta lip gloss.  What a silly gift, but perfect gift for a girly girl like me, I love it.  We hugged and returned to work:)

Later on I left my office and returned to find a new safety Helmut with my name on it waiting for me on my chair. I had a dream about six months ago about being given a new Helmut during a dept meeting.  I awoke crying, but now this one is real, I love it.  Here's a pict.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/5c6636ws1te642s/DSC_0305.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Aw how cute Bari Jo [emoji7] I love the safety Helmut with you're name on it!! Really cool

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

I also like your Helmut although I hoped he would be taller.

Apparently I am getting more brazen with my transition.  I got a call from my trade union, apparently I'm delinquent in dues.  I squared them over the phone, then asked if they could send me a new card with Bari Jo on it.  I did this on the phone within earshot of all my coworkers.  Eef!  Well, I'm not exactly hiding anything:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 25, 2018, 03:17:42 PM
Apparently I am getting more brazen with my transition.  I got a call from my trade union, apparently I'm delinquent in dues.  I squared them over the phone, then asked if they could send me a new card with Bari Jo on it.  I did this on the phone within earshot of all my coworkers.  Eef!  Well, I'm not exactly hiding anything:)

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo
Way to go....
...as time goes on self-confidence and self-assurance become your mode of operation!!!!
Thanks for posting your good report.
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 25, 2018, 03:17:42 PM
Apparently I am getting more brazen with my transition.  I got a call from my trade union, apparently I'm delinquent in dues.  I squared them over the phone, then asked if they could send me a new card with Bari Jo on it.  I did this on the phone within earshot of all my coworkers.  Eef!  Well, I'm not exactly hiding anything:)

Bari Jo

Nice! ;D

Progress on names I think is probably the biggest indicator of progress in self recognition there is. I've been really feeling it lately having to use male name for anything (lot of legal paperwork) personally and a few times I found myself accidentally deadnaming myself when put on the spot with food orders (always seems to be food orders) and feeling like crap about it after.

I am so happy to read your last few posts. I remember you being very nervous about work and coming out. Seeing you getting a new helmet and other "girly" gifts show how much people are accepting you. I like the helmet a lot, it looks very girly!

Yeah!!!

Congratulations!!

Hugs,

Sarah

Great news Bari Jo!  One more step forward.

Ellie, you wrote "I found myself accidentally deadnaming myself when put on the spot..."   This will eventually end as you become more comfortable and your past fades in the rear view mirror. 

Judi

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 25, 2018, 03:17:42 PM
Apparently I am getting more brazen with my transition.  I got a call from my trade union, apparently I'm delinquent in dues.  I squared them over the phone, then asked if they could send me a new card with Bari Jo on it.  I did this on the phone within earshot of all my coworkers.  Eef!  Well, I'm not exactly hiding anything:)

Bari Jo

Good on you Bari Jo great to see that confidence. Each small step is one step closer....

Take care

Liz

As promised, I wanted to show pictures with my colored hair.  You can see how short it is still.  I can't wait for it to grow out, it's sooo slow. These pictures are all gendering wrong, grr, but at least I do look a bit more femme.  My stylist did this for me free even.  She told me she wanted me to have a perfect birthday weekend and pride weekend.  This made me cry happy tears immediately and we had to check my makeup again with giggles.  Without further ado, here I am.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/jq1ahl55kly2twp/DSC_0323.jpg?raw=1)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/pvyr108h6vgb7r7/IMG_3843.jpg?raw=1)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/21t9s3p8900zqjd/DSC_0326.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo
Looking great - I am a huge fan of pink hair!! I love it!
Also that last photo is really, really nice, all 3 of you smiling and looking so happy!

Sonja.

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 28, 2018, 08:46:46 PM
As promised, I wanted to show pictures with my colored hair.  You can see how short it is still.  I can't wait for it to grow out, it's sooo slow. These pictures are all gendering wrong, grr, but at least I do look a bit more femme.  My stylist did this for me free even.  She told me she wanted me to have a perfect birthday weekend and pride weekend.  This made me cry happy tears immediately and we had to check my makeup again with giggles.  Without further ado, here I am.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/jq1ahl55kly2twp/DSC_0323.jpg?raw=1)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/pvyr108h6vgb7r7/IMG_3843.jpg?raw=1)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/21t9s3p8900zqjd/DSC_0326.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo    
Wowzers.... I remember you telling us that you were going to color your hair, but my goodness, your stylist did an amazing job, the pastel pink is a very nice choice and not over-the-top....  and the style itself, although short, is very feminine...  the sides and the back are indeed a very feminine style ....  you should have no complaint about not looking femme ....  in my opinion you look absolutely wonderful, happy and very femme in your pictures... the job that she did with your makeup looks great.... and your eyebrows are shaped nicely too.

As your hair continues to grow out your stylist can do even more wonderful things with the different styles that you may like.
Please, keep updating all of us....  we are your biggest fans!!!

Hugs and well wishes as you continue your exciting journey.
Danielle

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 28, 2018, 08:46:46 PM
As promised, I wanted to show pictures with my colored hair.  You can see how short it is still.  I can't wait for it to grow out, it's sooo slow. These pictures are all gendering wrong, grr, but at least I do look a bit more femme.  My stylist did this for me free even.  She told me she wanted me to have a perfect birthday weekend and pride weekend.  This made me cry happy tears immediately and we had to check my makeup again with giggles.  Without further ado, here I am.



Bari Jo

Love the hair...looks great....

Thanks everybody, so far the reception has been good.  I'm still on the fence.  When more hair has grown in, the effect will be better. Now off to work and surprise the coworkers.  Did I mention it's my B-day too?  What a day to come with pinkish hair!

Bari Jo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

I love the hair, it really suits you.  I have enjoyed following your thread and watching you progress. Keep smiling

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 30, 2018, 10:09:41 AM
Thanks everybody, so far the reception has been good.  I'm still on the fence.  When more hair has grown in, the effect will be better. Now off to work and surprise the coworkers.  Did I mention it's my B-day too?  What a day to come with pinkish hair!

Bari Jo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!   :icon_bunch: :icon_flower:

Have a great day!

Sonja

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 30, 2018, 10:09:41 AM
Thanks everybody, so far the reception has been good.  I'm still on the fence.  When more hair has grown in, the effect will be better. Now off to work and surprise the coworkers.  Did I mention it's my B-day too?  What a day to come with pinkish hair!

Bari Jo

Happy Birthday Bari Jo what better day to go with pink than your birthday...

Hope you have a great day


Liz

Quote from: Bari Jo on July 30, 2018, 10:09:41 AM
Thanks everybody, so far the reception has been good.  I'm still on the fence.  When more hair has grown in, the effect will be better. Now off to work and surprise the coworkers.  Did I mention it's my B-day too?  What a day to come with pinkish hair!

Bari Jo

NOOOOOOOOOO, I MISSED WISHING YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON TIME?! ....... well, better late than never I suppose, so...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A GORGEOUS, AMAZING, PINK-HAIRED GIRL! ;D

Thanks everybody for the nice birthday wishes.  Its always appreciated and never late.  I love that this year people do refer to me as Bari Jo.  I'm hoping by next year everybody will and I'll look the part to boot.

Inbetween phases suck, but they are better than not doing anything.  Anybody remember their misery when just having dysphoria with no end in sight?  It seems distant now even though I'm probably only about halfway down my journey.  For those fighting the urge to transition, I say stop fighting.  I'm so much happier than I was before.  I wish i could go back in time to tell myself it's okay to be what I am and to transition earlier.  Really the fear is gone, well nearly gone:)

Bari Jo

In October, I am attending a function at a private club.  I've been to this club a few times and have always been in a suit.  There is a dress code, must be formal or cocktail dresses, no denim.  I want to be considered femme to the point that people won't question at least that I'm trans.  I know I will be clocked, but want to have a good time too.  Oh, I'm attending with two old friends and their wives from high school.  They have not seen me dress, so nervous on that front too.  Ideas?

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on August 03, 2018, 10:22:36 AM
In October, I am attending a function at a private club.  I've been to this club a few times and have always been in a suit.  There is a dress code, must be formal or cocktail dresses, no denim.  I want to be considered femme to the point that people won't question at least that I'm trans.  I know I will be clocked, but want to have a good time too.  Oh, I'm attending with two old friends and their wives from high school.  They have not seen me dress, so nervous on that front too.  Ideas?

Bari Jo

Why not go "all the way" with a cocktail dress?  Or a skirt suit, or a clearly femme pant suit.  And a bit of bling.  Have fun with it!

Happy belated birthday! 

Wow!  A formal event!!  Just that alone can make you nervous.
You have declared yourself brazen and aren't really hiding anything. 
So be yourself!  Wear that dress you've been dying to wear
It's nice that you will be with friends that are at least aware, who will be there for you.
I think seeing people from the past can be one of the most nerve wrenching.
But if you go right up to them hold out your hand and introduce yourself as if you've never met.  Start a new relationship or refine the old.  Just be you!

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Quote from: Bari Jo on August 03, 2018, 10:22:36 AM
In October, I am attending a function at a private club.  I've been to this club a few times and have always been in a suit.  There is a dress code, must be formal or cocktail dresses, no denim.  I want to be considered femme to the point that people won't question at least that I'm trans.  I know I will be clocked, but want to have a good time too.  Oh, I'm attending with two old friends and their wives from high school.  They have not seen me dress, so nervous on that front too.  Ideas? Thanks

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo
That is such exciting news. 

I have a very formal and skimpy spaghetti strap little black dress that I have gone to formal events in and it is certainly an exciting and most feminine experience, but I was very, very nervous the first time that I was brave enough to wear it.... after the first time then it is actually quite enjoyable.
Accessories usually include a black patent or black satin clutch bag and matching high heels. 

When and if you feel comfortable doing it ... a picture would be great for all of your followers to see on your thread.

Thank you for your updates.
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Bari Jo on August 03, 2018, 10:22:36 AM
In October, I am attending a function at a private club.  I've been to this club a few times and have always been in a suit.  There is a dress code, must be formal or cocktail dresses, no denim.  I want to be considered femme to the point that people won't question at least that I'm trans.  I know I will be clocked, but want to have a good time too.  Oh, I'm attending with two old friends and their wives from high school.  They have not seen me dress, so nervous on that front too.  Ideas?

Bari Jo

Go all out!!! It's really fun! When I dressed up for dinner and play when I was in NYC I had an absolute blast, didn't matter if people clocked me or not! I really need to wear more dresses.

I've ordered a few outfits on ebay of all places.  I am going all out, and keeping with my cute jacket style. I'll post pictures from the event.  It's in Oct, so I have time to refine my look.

I wanted to post something a bit more serious today.  Being on Hrt is a blessing, but don't underestimate the ability to cry on it too.  Now granted, I did get some devastating news yesterday, but I do think the hrt has also allowed me to feel so much more love and sadness mixed together.  I've posted in the past about my Fanta.  Yesterday I got news that he may have cancer.  If this is the case, it's just prolonging his life and keeping him happy for a year, maybe a bit longer.

All through this I'm reminded of just how special and fragile life and love is.  Please make sure the people and especially the pets in your life know how much they mean to you every single day.  I've strived to give this person the absolute best life filled with love, toys, treats, kept him pretty as he was the most beautiful soul I've ever known.  He's repaid me so much more in his unconditional love, and helped me through so many of life's ups and downs.  I will make sure the remainder that I have with him is the absolute best, as he deserves it.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/tzt8y0lok5hcsfu/Fanta_Loves_His_Daddy.jpg?raw=1)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/lpsg2nd2ffsuyac/dsc_7366.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Oh my god, I know how much you love him, I'm so sorry.

Quote from: Bari Jo on August 09, 2018, 10:18:58 AM
I've ordered a few outfits on ebay of all places.  I am going all out, and keeping with my cute jacket style. I'll post pictures from the event.  It's in Oct, so I have time to refine my look.

I wanted to post something a bit more serious today.  Being on Hrt is a blessing, but don't underestimate the ability to cry on it too.  Now granted, I did get some devastating news yesterday, but I do think the hrt has also allowed me to feel so much more love and sadness mixed together.  I've posted in the past about my Fanta.  Yesterday I got news that he may have cancer.  If this is the case, it's just prolonging his life and keeping him happy for a year, maybe a bit longer.

All through this I'm reminded of just how special and fragile life and love is.  Please make sure the people and especially the pets in your life know how much they mean to you every single day.  I've strived to give this person the absolute best life filled with love, toys, treats, kept him pretty as he was the most beautiful soul I've ever known.  He's repaid me so much more in his unconditional love, and helped me through so many of life's ups and downs.  I will make sure the remainder that I have with him is the absolute best, as he deserves it.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/tzt8y0lok5hcsfu/Fanta_Loves_His_Daddy.jpg?raw=1)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/lpsg2nd2ffsuyac/dsc_7366.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo
Dear Bari Jo:

OK, before I start to cry with you about your precious Fanta...  the pictures of Fanta are very cute and endearing by the way.... 

I want to be happy with you regarding your efforts to refine your look with new outfits.   Women love to shop for clothes... there are so many variations, colors and styles to choose from... not at all like the boring and much smaller men's clothing section in the department stores and in the online catalogs.   Lots of fun for sure, and as your body continues it's femininzation progress more cute styles and choices will be available to you.  Yes, be certain to post pictures when you feel comfortable doing so... all of your readers and followers would love to see you in your new outfits.

Aweee, this is such heartfelt and very sad news about your Fanta....  yes indeed, in the final time left be sure to pamper with toys and special treats.  By the way, this is the way that we need to relate with our friends and family also... we never know what the next day will bring, or even if there is a next day....  sobering thoughts for sure.

Thank you for posting and sharing.
Hugs,
Danielle

What a beautiful companion Fanta is.  Cherish the time you spend with him.

Judi

The tests came back, he's stage 3 at least.

Bari Jo

So sad to read about your beautiful friend Fanta.  He looks like such a sweet boy!  Enjoy the time you have left with him, and make good memories.

Quote from: Bari Jo on August 09, 2018, 04:22:17 PM
The tests came back, he's stage 3 at least.

Bari Jo

I'm so sorry, I can't even begin to tell you how much. I know he means the world to you. When I lost my cat that was special to me in the same way about 3 years ago, I was devastated. But I took solace in one thing: She had a damn good life and was loved unconditionally. Remember that no matter what happens, I'm sure the same can be said of Fanta. You have provided love to one of the most beautifully innocent of creatures on this earth, and nothing can take that away, and in the end... that's what we all deserve, human, dog, cat, or otherwise. Compassion and friendship, respect and love, loyalty and safety. The bond you have is pure and wonderful, and that is what truly matters.

Fanta has now had his first round of chemotherapy.  We don't know for sure if it's stage 3 or 4.  We didn't do tests to confirm stage 4 only because the treatment doesn't change for either.  Apparently even with his enlarged lymph nodes, we caught this early.  When I heard that I burst into tears. Healing energies for my best friend.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on August 10, 2018, 09:32:17 PM
Fanta has now had his first round of chemotherapy.  We don't know for sure if it's stage 3 or 4.  We didn't do tests to confirm stage 4 only because the treatment doesn't change for either.  Apparently even with his enlarged lymph nodes, we caught this early.  When I heard that I burst into tears. Healing energies for my best friend.

Bari Jo

I pray for Fanta, I know how close pets and their pack family can become.  And make no mistake, we are part of their pack, social rules and all.
Good luck with Fanta's treatments!

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Bari Jo, I am so sorry Fanta is sick. I'm sure he looks at you with as much love in his eyes as you to him. Cherish however much time he has left with you. He is very special.

Hugs,
Jayne

Bari Jo,

So sorry to hear of Fanta's troubles.  Our four legged family members are precious to us.  I know first hand what you are going through.

I found this for you https://rftbk.github.io/files/trans/2014%20Saraswat%20et%20al:%20Biological%20Gender%20ID.pdf (https://rftbk.github.io/files/trans/2014%20Saraswat%20et%20al:%20Biological%20Gender%20ID.pdf)

It is, I think, the article you father is looking to.  Seems like it is a valid beginning point for understanding our plight.

Good luck with both of you family members,
Stevi

As a profound animal lover with and even bigger soft spot for dogs I am so sorry to hear your sad news. 

Its so sad to lose a close friend and I hope you are able to keep him comfortable for a good long time

All the best to you and Fanta both


Take care


Liz

There's not a lot happening transition wise here.  I'm enjoying sparkly eyeshadow, that's about it.
I've gained a couple pounds stress eating and I hate it.  I've been making 16 lbs of jerky this weekend.  I like making jerky, and it's good diet food!

OH, I guess something new a girl from Susans found me on a social site.  I am not out on that site, but I'm choosing not to hide it either, so yes, I accepted her friend request and sent some others.

Fantas lymph nodes continue to get better.  At the last chemo treatment, the doctor said they feel normal.  Today he's not eating though, so whatever this medicine was he doesn't like it.  This is probably why they cycle the meds each week.

Bari Jo

Thanks for keeping us updated. Hope Fanta is feeling better soon and back on his food.

:D
Liz

Prayers for Fanta. 

I keep meaning to try jerky.  Jerky and the South African equivalent, biltong, are both sold in British supermarkets.  I used to eat biltong as a diet food but I eat it only occasionally now because I read that it can cause health problems apart from its high salt content.  I suppose that eating healthy food rich in fibre and vitamins probably reduces the risk.  I don't want to put you off jerky but in my case I think that I was eating too much biltong at one time.

It has been a while since I posted.  I've been so caught up with one thing on my mind, my best friend Fanta.  He isn't out of the woods yet, but he's been home for a week after being in the Icu for five days.  He's still week, and barely eats.  The icu was so terribly expensive too.  Still though I wouldn't have traded this extra time I'm spending with him for anything.  My parents have been so good during this whole ordeal and my Mom is still with me and him.  Here's a picture of us all, yes my mom and sister got the good looks in the family.  I've been stress eating and hate my weight.  I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't hideous in our picture.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/0edslev0htjktkn/DSC_0379_20180831170647222.jpg?raw=1)

Ooh, Mary, I don't put any salt in my jerky recipes, you really don't need it:)

Bari Jo

Glad you are having this extra time with Fanta. :)

You are looking great as well, but then you always have and always will~ ;D

Your mom and sister do look fine and so do you.

Jerky without salt?  That's interesting.  The list of ingredients displayed on the last packet of biltong that I ate included so much salt that someone's eyes might explode just from reading it.

More prayers for Fanta.  You have given and are giving him the best possible life that he could have with anyone.

Hi Bari Jo,

Thanks for your update. Fanta is a very lucky pooch to have you caring for him. I'm sure he feels the love you are giving him.

That is a great photo of your family. You all look very happy. You look a lot like your sister standing next to you. And your hair is really starting to grow nicely. Maybe time to update your profile pic! [emoji846]

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Bari Jo on August 31, 2018, 07:09:37 PM
It has been a while since I posted.  I've been so caught up with one thing on my mind, my best friend Fanta.  He isn't out of the woods yet, but he's been home for a week after being in the Icu for five days.  He's still week, and barely eats.  The icu was so terribly expensive too.  Still though I wouldn't have traded this extra time I'm spending with him for anything.  My parents have been so good during this whole ordeal and my Mom is still with me and him.  Here's a picture of us all, yes my mom and sister got the good looks in the family.  I've been stress eating and hate my weight.  I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't hideous in our picture.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/0edslev0htjktkn/DSC_0379_20180831170647222.jpg?raw=1)

Ooh, Mary, I don't put any salt in my jerky recipes, you really don't need it:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on August 31, 2018, 07:09:37 PM
It has been a while since I posted.  I've been so caught up with one thing on my mind, my best friend Fanta.  He isn't out of the woods yet, but he's been home for a week after being in the Icu for five days.  He's still week, and barely eats.  The icu was so terribly expensive too.  Still though I wouldn't have traded this extra time I'm spending with him for anything.  My parents have been so good during this whole ordeal and my Mom is still with me and him.  Here's a picture of us all, yes my mom and sister got the good looks in the family.  I've been stress eating and hate my weight.  I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't hideous in our picture.


Ooh, Mary, I don't put any salt in my jerky recipes, you really don't need it:)

Bari Jo

Thanks for the update...what a great picture...not hard to see the family resemblances, you and your sister look so much a like...looks like a pretty happy bunch of people  :D

Liz

Today was a rite of passage mixed with a very good day.  It started with a very good night with my dog.  He slept well, making me sleep well.  Then onto breakfast out where I'm wearing a new lacy blouse, which is new for me, as I usually wear cute t-shirts.  Afterwards I went to my doctor and had more pellets put in.  My next appointment is in six months.  Yes, you read that right.  We've gotten to the point where that's how little maintainence I need.  I don't even take Spiro any more, yay.  Then afterwards the rite of passage.

I picked up my mom and we went to The Perfect Fit for my first bra.  The ladies were very nice, and tried hard to use the correct pronouns.  I learned I am not an A, I'm somewhere between an A and a B.  She called my size 36 B with a cookie meaning it had some padding.  I wore the bra out and will be buying more online.  My mom bought by first one.  We hugged and continued my day.

Next was for a seamstress to adjust a blouse and a jacket.  These are for two different options for a formal event.  With the bra, I actually fit them well.  One is black velvet with pink sequence, and the other is a blue and pink formal Chinese jacket.  I'm not sure which I will wear.  I do know I'm wearing some black suede boots adorned with stars and pearls on it though which I got at a rediculously low clearance.

After that lunch to celebrate, where I was gendered correctly with my mom to see.  I loved that.  After this, eyebrow threading, then extra makeup where the clerk told my mom I applied my makeup very well, when I was away.  My mom was really happy from this.

Tomorrow night is a haircut at the salon for the family reunion next week.  Oh, and my dog is having a fantastic day.  I am flying high.

Days like today and you think, life isn't hard.  Transitioning isn't even hard!

Bari Jo

Wonderful...so nice to see you making such good progress. I am insanely jealous  ;) of the relationship you have with your Mum that is just so good.

First bra...it never gets old does it  ;D

Nice to see you having such a good time as its been rough for you in places.

Take care

Liz

I so happy and jealous too!
Such a wonderful mom and daughter day!
Everything is looking up and Fanta too!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

Quote from: Bari Jo on September 12, 2018, 08:25:21 PM
black suede boots adorned with stars and pearls on it though which I got at a rediculously low clearance.

Days like today and you think, life isn't hard.  Transitioning isn't even hard!

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo - Beautiful clothing at a beautiful price - I Love getting great stuff on sale!!

What a fantastic day you had!!! and  so special when someone you know buys something for you like that - Good for you!

my wife just bought me 3 dresses for my birthday for the following weekend! -- I'm on cloud9!

Take care,

Sonja.

Bari Jo, such a wonderful update. So happy you had this great day, shopping for your first bra with your mum, makeup, eyebrows, lunch, Fanta is having a good day. It is certainly a day lift you into the clouds.

Hugs,
Jayne

Omg, that all sounds amazing! So glad everything went so well girl, you deserve it, you truly, truly do!!

I'm glad that you had a good day and I hope that you have loads more.

Wow, what a wonderful day, Bari Jo. I love it when everything comes together!

And such good news about Fanta! I just had a scare with my Maggie that turned out fine in the end, too.

You're on your way!!

Stephanie

I wanna hear about more days like the one you had Bari Jo. Gives me something to look forward to..[emoji4]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

I hope to have more days like that in the future.  My Fanta passed today.  Needless to say this is the darkest day of my life.  I have tremendous sadness, shame and grief attached to this.  I waited for the right time, which there is no right time.  I feel like the worst Mommy.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo, I am so sorry.  I know that Fanta was a family member to you.  It hurts so much to lose one of them.  My thoughts go out to you.

Quote from: Bari Jo on September 16, 2018, 07:16:21 PM
I hope to have more days like that in the future.  My Fanta passed today.  Needless to say this is the darkest day of my life.  I have tremendous sadness, shame and grief attached to this.  I waited for the right time, which there is no right time.  I feel like the worst Mommy.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo,

  I am so sad and sorry to hear about Fanta's passing. I know he meant the world to you and you must be grieving his loss. By what you went on to say I am assuming that you took him be be euthanized. You feel awful for doing it. But Bari, it was possibly the most humane thing you could do for him. Remember he no longer suffers, is no longer in pain. You aren't a bad mommy, you are a loving mommy because you didn't want to see him continue to suffer any longer when nothing else could be done. Fanta is at peace. Fanta would also want you to be at peace with this hard decision you had to make.
  Be at peace Bari Jo.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I'm so sad about Fanta.  Unconditional love is hard to find and Fanta's was no less.  Find happiness in his memories as you feel the pain that is hard to live with.

Big hugs, Jess

Quote from: Bari Jo on September 16, 2018, 07:16:21 PM
I hope to have more days like that in the future.  My Fanta passed today.  Needless to say this is the darkest day of my life.  I have tremendous sadness, shame and grief attached to this.  I waited for the right time, which there is no right time.  I feel like the worst Mommy.

Bari Jo

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. You are an amazing mommy. You gave Fanta complete love, and that is what matters. Never doubt you were a godsend in Fanta's life just as he was in yours. You're in my thoughts tonight Bari Jo, I love you girl.

Oh Bari Jo, I'm so sorry. Not so much for Fanta, as he's in a better place and no longer in pain, but for his loving mommy. Do not think that you were a bad mommy. You gave him all your love, and no companion could ask for more.

Spend the time you need to mourn his loss, then remember all the good times you had together. And remember to take good care of yourself.

Stephanie

Another message of condolences for your loss Bari Jo   :(

Quote from: Bari Jo on September 16, 2018, 07:16:21 PM
I hope to have more days like that in the future.  My Fanta passed today.  Needless to say this is the darkest day of my life.  I have tremendous sadness, shame and grief attached to this.  I waited for the right time, which there is no right time.  I feel like the worst Mommy.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo

I am so sorry for your loss from one animal love to another....the loss of such a dear friend can be so difficult to take , I hope you can find some solace in the heart felt feelings of everyone here. Sending you a big aussie virtual hug and know we understand.

Tale care

Liz

I am so sorry for your loss.  When you wrote that Fanta had slept well, I thought that it might be close to the end, remembering as I did my mother's final illness. 

The grief is unavoidable.  You should not feel shame or guilt, though.  If you feel guilt for prolonging his life, try not to.  His suffering ended before you brought him home after his operation, and at the end, he may have been weary but not in pain.  All that time, he was at home, feeling your constant love, which is what he wanted from life.  If you had him put to sleep, he would already have been too weary to care about what was going on, except that the soul he loved completely was with him, so he felt neither pain nor fear, only your love. 

Whatever you did for Fanta, during his life and at his passing, was out of pure love.  What mother could do more?

I'm so sorry Bari Jo.. It's a gloomy day today and now I know why.. I know it's cliche, but Fanta will be in heaven.. It doesn't make this loss any easier but as a parent the best you can do is give all your love, you did that and more. Giving you a virtual hug... [emoji173]

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Quote from: Bari Jo on September 16, 2018, 07:16:21 PM
I hope to have more days like that in the future.  My Fanta passed today.  Needless to say this is the darkest day of my life.  I have tremendous sadness, shame and grief attached to this.  I waited for the right time, which there is no right time.  I feel like the worst Mommy.

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo
Dear Bari Jo:
All of your followers are feeling your pain and grief as you mourn your loss of your beloved Fanta.
Thank you for sharing and posting so we can all give you big HUGS....
                     (https://i.imgur.com/GH4Yzfd.jpg)
... and Bari Jo, do know that in due time, these dark days will pass and that your broken heart will heal,
and you will be have fond memories of your good times and happy days with your Fanta.

Hugs and well wishes.... and brighter days ahead.
Danielle

I'm going to try and not post any more about my angel.  Thank you for your support everyone.

Onto more trans things.  I'm in Dallas, and meeting an old college friend for lunch.  I'm dressing way down compared to California.  However I'm quite the anomaly here still.  I saw people behind a counter snicker and look my way, still others called me ma'am and complimented my jacket.  If they saw me as I present myself in Cali, they must really act crazy.  Anyway, toning it way down on this trip, and still happy.

Bari Jo

I'm now in my way back from Dallas/west Texas on the plane.  There's free wifi on the flight so I can browse and text.  This trip has been fun and interesting.  First off, I was going in boy mode, although I did wear slight makeup when I met a friend from college for lunch.  Still with that, I was gendered correctly many times, especially at my hotel.  They called me Ms. Bari.  That never gets old.  In west texas, we went to a town that was population 2000, the residents are really only farmers and oil workers.  I did get some odd looks from the residents here, but nothing cruel.  There's a western wear shop that I've bought boots before back as a boy.  Now my shoe size is much smaller, I bought a pair of stylish lady boots and a coral western shirt.  The shop was all smiles the whole time.  Southern hospitality is a great way.  I'm glad I didn't dress full femme, just in case, but think I might have been safe.  On my way back I feel like the only people that didn't see me as Bari, was my family.  They will know and get on board soon enough.  I have a good family.

Bari Jo

Awesome update MS. Bari .. I'm still waiting for my boy-mode-fail :(
I'm glad to hear that you were gendered correctly so much, I'm sure it made your trip much more pleasant.

Yes, this is an awesome update.  My oh my Ms. Bari I do declare!

Congrats Ms Bari....Glad things are starting to get a bit better for you. Its been a overly tough few months for you. I hope this is the start of many more positive experiences coming your way.

Take care
Liz

I've learned that the south really doesn't care as much as youd think, at least not hatefully. My girlfriends family is from a fairly small central Georgia town and they and her friends were all on board.

Quote from: Roll on October 01, 2018, 08:23:37 AM
I've learned that the south really doesn't care as much as youd think, at least not hatefully. My girlfriends family is from a fairly small central Georgia town and they and her friends were all on board.

I agree, Ellie. While some may say that Florida really isn't the "south," many parts of the state outside the metro areas are still very "southern." I've met a lot of transitioning and other LGBT+ folks, and few of them have any problems. Outside the horrific massacre at Pulse in Orlando a few years ago, Florida doesn't really seem to care that much, and folks either leave us alone or are outright welcoming.

Stephanie

It's less than a week and I'm starting to get nervous about my big reveal week.

Thursday, national coming out day is the day I am outing myself at work in email. The industry I work in is small, so everybody I've ever worked with or that's knows me will also know in hours after.  To make it a but more festive I am bringing unicorn macaroons (wow those are pricey!). Soon after I send the email, my dept has a meeting where hr will explain company support.  I am not going to this meeting, instead will be in training. 

OH, on top of this, I've already changed my gender and pronouns in Facebook.  I don't think anybody gets a notice got that.  Thursday, I will change my name too, as well as get my hair colored and new picture taken.

This weekend I'm going formal for the first time as Bari Jo too.

All this has me with a flock of butterflies in my stomach.  I'm a stress ball!  I keep thinking, why am I doing this?  Can I do this? Am i really trans? Then I am remember all the reasons I am.  Argh, why those thoughts now.  Stress you are no friend of mine.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo, I make a prediction:

You are going to get the stuffing hugged out of you, both virtually and IRL. You will be floating on a sea of love and good feeling by the end of the weekend.

You've got this, girl. Enjoy the ride.


Stephanie

Bari Jo, I agree with Stephanie!  You'll do fine and all your contacts, co-workers and friends will love you.  Just like we do!

Judi

I'll let people know how it goes Thursday.  My mom mentioned she wanted me to update my picture as I don't look the same anymore.  Fine, here's my current.  After a day of work, crappy makeup, but all me.  My it takes forever for hair to grow.

Bari Jo

You will be great!! You have been working hard to get there and putting this in place and timing it with national; coming out day is a fantastic idea. I hope it all goes really well for you.

Take care

Liz

Yes, hair does take a very long time to grow when short... I started at a buzz cut a year ago and the front of my hair is barely past my jawline... I think in another 10-12 months your hair will all be at your shoulders. That's my goal at least since I would never go shorter than shoulder/collarbone length again if I can help it...

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Okay, so now I am out officially at work.  I arranged a dept meeting with HR and my dept head.  As the meeting started I sent an email to everybody:

"Dear Colleagues,

I am writing this letter to tell you about a matter that is essentially personal but will result in some changes at work. Some have already started to notice some changes in my appearance and it being National Coming Out Day, it's a good day to bring it all to the forefront.

I identify as transgender and am undergoing the transition process. If you anticipated this, that's great! I didn't try to hide my changes over the past year. If you didn't notice, please stick with me. I'm hoping to help you understand this decision and process has been long coming. I have had feelings that question my gender identity as long as I can remember. Imagine what it's like to always have a feeling that something is wrong all the time. This has been a very long roller coaster of a life and I've decided on transitioning to finally be myself and live as I've known myself for so long.

Soon, I will be changing my legal name to "Bari Jo" which is the original name that my parents planned for me before I was assigned male at birth. My immediate family and friends call me Bari Jo, and I will be changing my legal name to Bari Jo and my gender designation from male to female.

There is much to do in the transition process. Without getting into the medical minutia, but please know that I am under professional care following the Standards of Care set out for the treatment of transgender individuals.

I'm very pleased to be able to take this step toward personal wholeness while staying at company I love and doing a job that is very fulfilling. This change will not affect my ability to do my job. In fact, I may be less distracted when I no longer have two personas to juggle. Also, as I enjoy being myself more, you may find me more enjoyable to be around and work with.

Some of you may not understand the life changes I'm undertaking. I would be happy to answer your questions or direct you to additional information. Some may not approve of what I'm doing, but please offer the same basic human rights to me that you would expect to receive yourself.

I ask that you call me by my new name "Bari Jo" and use female pronouns (she, her, her's) when referring to me or about me. I know this will take a little time to get used to, and I do expect that people will make mistakes at first. All I ask is that you try to get it right.

Also to celebrate my coming out to you call, I've brought in a treat. As always, enjoy bringing in treats for my coworkers. This time it's something special, Unicorn Macaroons made by Christine + Ivy (who happens to be my neighbor). These were custom made for just this coming out. Please have one or two at the back table in the bullpen area.

Respectfully,

Bari Jo"

The HR rep read the email aloud, and im told there were cheers at the end of it.  The HR rep went over the non discrimination policy and how I will be using the ladies room.  Then opened up the questions, but nothing was of consequence, everybody was full of support.  I wasn't at the meeting, instead was at a training session.  When I got back, my coworkers were already using my name and congratulating me.

Included is a pict of the macaroons.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/v8t4fkf0bjwkpdf/DSC_0050.JPG?raw=1)

After work I got my hair colored and styled and it's my new avatar.  This one genders me correctly, yay!  This outfit is what I'm wearing at the formal event tomorrow night.  I can't wait!

All in all a great coming out day!

Bari Jo

Omg massive SQUEEEEEEEEE! super happy for you girl. A great letter to your colleagues. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Sounds like a great day! I'm really happy for you. I transitioned in place, so I didn't do a coming out letter, but I did have to write a reminder note when someone blatantly refused to address me properly. I hope you don't run into that, but your company has your back in any event from the sounds of it.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Bari Jo, congratulations!!! What a fantastic update!!! Your coming out letter was very well written and it sounds like your employer is very supportive of your transition. It so awesome to have the support of your coworkers. I came out to my own coworkers only two days ago and had an equally positive outcome as you did, so I am able to share in your joy.

The macaroons look tasty. I didn't treat my coworkers on the day but I will bring a cake in tomorrow nightshift when it is less busy at work. I love tour new avatar photo, you look great!

And soon you will also have your name changed legally. This is a great moment for you. It must feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Big hugs!
Jayne

Bari Jo, congratulations!  Coming out at work is a big step towards being your authentic self everywhere.  I am glad that you have support from the brass and from your coworkers.

The cookies look good, if a bit suggestive.  Let me guess, you bite the dangly bits off first?  >:-)

Congratulations Bari Jo 🦄🦄🦄
I am so very happy for you!

Bari Jo, that is so fantastically awesome! I hate to say I told you so, but... no, actually, I love saying that, especially when my predictions come true. What you've done is such a huge step, but you found the courage and did it, with wonderful results. Congratulations, and if I can borrow the phrase from @Kendra, welcome to your new life!


Stephanie

congratulations bari jo!  sounds like things went very well.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS AMAZING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow Bari Jo!  Your email message was great, brief and to the point.  I'm happy for you that it the event went over well.  I knew it would!
Judi

I had a longer message but the company didn't want anything too personal in it, nor any of my treatment regamin.  I trimmed it to that.

Another update, this is from going to The Magic Castle last night. The staff pretty much are trained that trans people may attend.  I was gendered correctly the whole night except by the valet as we picked up my car.  I was wearing black satin and leather tuxedo pants, a Chinese formal ladies jacket and black suede boots with star rhinestones.  This goes along with pink hair, etc.  This time last year I also went to the same venue as my old self.  I was so miserable back then and happy today.  Oh I had to use the ladies room a few times and all the ladies were kind, no push back against the trans girl.  I got lots of looks mainly from ladies.  They were envy I think, either for the hair or the jacket.

All in all my confidence has increased.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo,

Congratulations!  I am ecstatic for you.  Great coming out at work and a great going out to your social event

Stevi

Hearing that makes me happy...

Oh I know you looked great!  I looked up The Magic Castle, that sounds like it was a fun night out!!
Judi

Just caught up (I know slapped wrists) GO GIRL GO ( line of cheer leaders and flag waving)

Congratulations on coming out. I know how exhausting that is so make sure you treat yourself.

Hair, it has taken me a long time to grow my hair in, and I had two hair follicle transplants. I wish I had known the benefit of hydrolyzed collagen when I started. I buy a 5 pound box on Amazon ( I am on my second box)  for $64.00 and take 20 grams a day (2 scoops). I get my blood tested and I am on the low limit for protein ( I as always well below the low limit) so I will increase that to 20 grams twice a day. I was always so low in my protein level and had issues with iron too, my entire life ( all corrected now). My hair grows quickly too now as well as having nice nails and beautiful skin (when I go to Papillion for electrolysis the PA-c always comments on how good my skin is when she is injecting the numbing medicine).

Congratulations on coming out and expressing. You are doing the hard work now but it will pay dividends later.

Hello everybody.  I've been riding high on many trans experiences.  Everyone at work is using my name and trying hard with the pronouns.  My boss gave me a Minnie Mouse macaroon pillow in case I needed a hug.  I use only the ladies rooms here now too.

On Facebook my name and gender has been changed as well.  I did it without any announcement.  I just posted the pict from here as my profile pict.  I've had nothing but support.  I know some people check their friend counts before and after, I didn't bother.  If anybody unfriended me, i don't want to know.  Even my high school friends and girlfriends are supporting me.

All this was done after the family reunion in TX.  My mom said that was the last time I had to present male.  Well, since then my family in TX is all using my new name and showing support. I really do have a unicorn family and friends. Who would have guessed that growing up in AZ and TX.

Today I'm going to the courthouse to submit my name and gender change paperwork.  A good time all around for me.

Bari Jo

Great news and lots to celebrate! [emoji4]. Super happy for you that's is gone well. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 19, 2018, 10:22:07 AM
Hello everybody.  I've been riding high on many trans experiences.  Everyone at work is using my name and trying hard with the pronouns.  My boss gave me a Minnie Mouse macaroon pillow in case I needed a hug.  I use only the ladies rooms here now too.

On Facebook my name and gender has been changed as well.  I did it without any announcement.  I just posted the pict from here as my profile pict.  I've had nothing but support.  I know some people check their friend counts before and after, I didn't bother.  If anybody unfriended me, i don't want to know.  Even my high school friends and girlfriends are supporting me.

All this was done after the family reunion in TX.  My mom said that was the last time I had to present male.  Well, since then my family in TX is all using my new name and showing support. I really do have a unicorn family and friends. Who would have guessed that growing up in AZ and TX.

Today I'm going to the courthouse to submit my name and gender change paperwork.  A good time all around for me.

Bari Jo

Things sounds like they are really going well for you. This year has had some tough moments for you but you have hung in there. Its great when those around you show the kind of support you seem to be getting. Lovely to see you sounding so positive...congrats  :)

Take care

Liz

Quote from: LizK on October 20, 2018, 01:15:36 AM
Things sounds like they are really going well for you. This year has had some tough moments for you but you have hung in there. Its great when those around you show the kind of support you seem to be getting. Lovely to see you sounding so positive...congrats  :)

Take care

Liz

You are correct this year I've been damn near suicidal, but yes, I've stuck it out.  Transitioning really has helped my Outlook.  Even losing my dog, I think being on hrt have me more empathy and emotional depth for my best friend.  So finally I'm in a good place. I remember new years last year and crying in bed because I had to suppress Bari Jo to my family.  Oh what a year makes.

Bari Jo

The more I thought about the before and after thread, the more I think I should post picts in here to document my progress.

The picts on top are a few years old.  While the bottom picts are 10 months on hrt and just over a year on hrt.  I'm only posting good picts of both.  I have tons of bad male picts that may show a more dramatic change, but I also have a ton of bad Bari Jo picts too, so best of both.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/w3sqy6l2qj7qbsb/Bari_Jo_Before.jpg?raw=1)(https://www.dropbox.com/s/h3rzf4n3u5vexee/bari_jo_before2.jpg?raw=1)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/jq1ahl55kly2twp/DSC_0323.jpg?raw=1)(https://www.dropbox.com/s/z0odrh63yn51smi/Facetune__01.jpg?raw=1)

I am hoping another year will steadily improve my outside appearance.  I remember posting picts in the face app passing thread when I first started and I was told there isn't too much difference just softer.  Well, I'm getting tho not much difference just softer results with hrt.  I wish it was more, but I'm not disappointed either.

Bari Jo

I can see some real differences but the ones that stand out the most for me, are your smile and your eyes...Your smile seems bigger somehow and it extends all the way to your eyes. The last one is very different from the first.

Take care

Liz

I'm so glad that things are going well for you.

This weekend I dressed as Harley Quinn for Halloween. She is exactly the type of beauty, power and spunk I wish I had, but I do feel sometime inside.  Obviously I do not look like Margot Robbie from Suicide Squad, but who can live up to that.   I think I'll continue with this costume throughout my transition, just to see how things are progressing.  This picture was just before dinner, yes I went out like that.  Then I came back and tripled the makeup and added a lot of glitter too.  I got compliments all night on the makeup, and I beat a couple people with the bat!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/glxvpv36qh2vv5z/DSC_0144_20181028065738742.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Wooooo Hoooo looking smashing(sorry couldn't help myself LOL) but seriously you look great...I am not surprised you got compliments.

Liz

Back to transition troubles.  I'm so discouraged from electrolysis.  I am not one of the few that gets off lightly with very few hours.  I'm at my 8th pack of ten hours now.  My Electrologist tells me that it's much sparcer now with smaller hair.  For me, all I see is ugly man hair.  It's killing me.  I go two times a week too, and of course you need a couple days growth.  This means I am rarely without stubble.  Argh, I hate this.  I probable need at least 100 more hours.  I'd much prefer to work out on these days, or do anything but subject myself to pain and plan for it all the time.  I don't date even though I want to, since I always have stubble.  Right now feel like one big pile of ugly, correction, one big hairy pile of ugly.

Bari Jo

Hang in there Bari Jo!  It is certainly a long slog but it will be worth it in the end.  As the hairs get finer is an indication the root is lessened too.  I know the stubble is tough to live with but have them focus on the darkest hairs first so the remaining hair is not a noticeable. 

Hug, Judi 

 Bari,

  All I have to say Hun is you are making quicker progress than I am. I have been going to electrolysis for well over a year now and probably still have less than 50 hours and those were mostly on my upper lip which I can now notice for myself has less hair growing back. I have only been able to afford 3 - 4 hours a month. I will increase that when Kaiser gets around to authorizing my electrologist to be a provider for them. They've been at it for about 2 months so far. Once they do I will be able to get tortured 3 - 4 times more than I can afford now. But it is a slow process.

hang in there Bari.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I have been doing an hour a week for nearly two years, so I am closing in on 100 hours.  Parts of my cheeks now remain hairless after not shaving for four days.  At this point, my grow-out stubble is close to invisible, at least from a distance.  What remains has been getting finer.  If it was a 40 grit sandpaper before, it is now about a 220 grit.  So I am seeing real progress, and my electrologist figures we are into the home stretch.

The turning point was a couple of months ago.  Before that, I really wasn't seeing any improvement, as new hairs woke up as fast as she was killing the old ones.  But now, I seem to be running out of new hairs to wake up.  Each week, I have to increase the amount of skin I cover with Emla cream, to ensure that she has enough to work on for a full hour.

So, hang in there, Bari Jo.  I know it is a long, painful slog, but it is so worth it!  I love to run my hand over the parts of my face that are almost done and feel that baby's butt smoothness.

Thank you for your encouragement.  I just want this over.  I've been organizing my life around therapy, voice therapy and Electrolysis.  I need to live too damn it.

Oh, I've started tucking also.  I used to do this way back, but topped because I stopped transitioning a few times.  Have I mentioned this isn't my first attempt at transition?  Probably have mentioned a billion times.  Anyway, I'm tucking again and actually like it.  I don't remember feeling joy in it before.  I ordered a gaff to try out also.  I remember hating that before.  We will see if I still enjoy this new feeling.

For those wondering, I'm getting better about my Fanta too.  I don't blame myself like I used to.

I've also been toying with the idea of starting a YouTube channel too.  This is just to practice my voice and share some hobbies, beef jerky making, art, beer making, vita games.  It'll have no issues in politics and will rarely mention any trans issues.  I'm still struggling with a name.  I don't want to use the same name as here since it's more public.  If you have ideas, please send in IM so they aren't linked.

Bari Jo

Your not alone with regards to the hair removal, im around 110 hours now . Figure I need probably about that much still.
I have used a few of those hours and had the hair on my finger and hands, toes and feet, and underarms cleared a few times , those other areas are really fast to clear . 
   Hang in there it will be behind us at some point

Take care of yourself

On electrolysis, somewhere around the 100-120 hour point I ran out of mature active hairs, and both the way my skin felt and the way treatment progressed began to change.  My electrolyst was able to use lower settings, and a shorter probe with more insulation, a smaller active tip.  This greatly reduced the discomfort.

At around the 180 hour point I was having my entire face cleared in a 2 hour visit, and I stopped shaving completely just to get enough growth for her to work on.  Gradually the hair got even sparser, to the point where recently I have just gone in every 2-3 weeks and have been completely cleared in 90 minutes or less.

I'm at about 235 hours now, and Jodie is retiring.  I'll probably look around for a local electrolyst to do 'maintenance' on my face.  I have less facial hair now than many post-menopausal ciswomen.

It's been a while.  I've been lurking since I haven't felt like myself or femme much at all.  The dysphoria has started to hit hard and I'm questioning my meds.  My numbers are great though which is disconcerting.  I do have good updates too though.

I am now officially Bari Jo.  The paperwork has cleared the courts and I've been through social security and dmv.  I also took a new passport photo.  I am showing the non smiling one here sine it genders me correctly.  It's odd that a smile genders me male, boo.  Anyway, I am hanging in there.  It's the holidays and I miss my Fanta terribly, but am doing the best I can.  I have been feeling the pull of self isolation fiercely and have been fighting it and losing.  I need to get out there more.

Bari Jo

Update photo removed, seemed to close to the real one.

It's been a while.  I've been lurking since I haven't felt like myself or femme much at all.  The dysphoria has started to hit hard and I'm questioning my meds.  My numbers are great though which is disconcerting.  I do have good updates too though.

I am now officially Bari Jo.  The paperwork has cleared the courts and I've been through social security and dmv.  I also took a new passport photo.  I am showing the non smiling one here sine it genders me correctly.  It's odd that a smile genders me male, boo.  Anyway, I am hanging in there.  It's the holidays and I miss my Fanta terribly, but am doing the best I can.  I have been feeling the pull of self isolation fiercely and have been fighting it and losing.  I need to get out there more.

Update, photo removed.  It was deemed too close to an actual passport photo so deleted in case scary people are out there.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo, I was thinking of you just yesterday.  I'm sad Fanta is gone to, and without the love he gave during the holidays, it does make it hard.  Today I received notice in the mail to pay the licensing of my two friends I lost within one month of each other two years ago.  Tears.
Keep moving forward that's all one can do.

Big hugs, Jess

Hi BariJo

Thanks for the update

Sounds like you have had a rough time lately. I really hope you begin to feel better soon. Losing "someone" you love  is always difficult but for we animal lovers we tend to have a special place in our hearts for our special friends

Take  Care

Liz


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

@Bari Jo
Dear Bari Jo:
Well the overwhelming good news in your update is that you are now officially Bari Jo with Social Security and the DMV, and your new passport photo... and to top it off your numbers are great.   

In spite of your emotional stress with your feelings regarding your dysphoria.... and the misgendering smiling photo... and oh, yes I do understand the feeling of loosing a close friend.,.. your Fanta was just that, always accepting and loving.   Of course the Holiday times are sometimes the most difficult for many people, so you are not alone with the issues that you are dealing with.
 
As you mentioned, if you can get out there more, be around your accepting friends and family, that would be a good thing for you to do.... please don't permit yourself to get sucked into the self-isolation routine... it goes nowhere fast particularly at these holiday times of the year.

A suggestion that I have is that you might take some time to read over some of your past updates on your own thread to see how far you have come and all the good news and good experiences that you have shared with all of us.

Please keep your updates coming, we are your biggest fans and we are all rooting for you.
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs and more Hugs... and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Bari Jo on December 11, 2018, 12:37:49 AM
It's been a while.  I've been lurking since I haven't felt like myself or femme much at all.  The dysphoria has started to hit hard and I'm questioning my meds.  My numbers are great though which is disconcerting.  I do have good updates too though.

I am now officially Bari Jo.  The paperwork has cleared the courts and I've been through social security and dmv.  I also took a new passport photo.  I am showing the non smiling one here sine it genders me correctly.  It's odd that a smile genders me male, boo.  Anyway, I am hanging in there.  It's the holidays and I miss my Fanta terribly, but am doing the best I can.  I have been feeling the pull of self isolation fiercely and have been fighting it and losing.  I need to get out there more.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/ifbm4j8a2bxibmj/PassportPhotos-232_20181210223406446.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo

Upon directions I have reflected on everything I've done transition wise.  It is quite a bit.  It does make me feel a bit better.  I do though want to appear more feminine to others.  I am still misgendered almost 100% of the time, but at least I've seen a couple people correct themselves after.

As an addendum to my last post too, my drivers license came in the mail, and the photo is pretty good.  It's at least passable:).  This week my passport comes in too.  I look forward to that!

Now time to convert all my accts to my name.  At least this seems like fun rather than work.

Bari Jo

You have come a long way Bari Jo! Getting all of your accounts updated can be a hassle. Some places are easy, others... well I abandoned a few of them. I do recommend getting this done quickly. It seems the further down the path I go the more painful my dead name becomes. It is a long journey, but take one step at a time and eventually you will reach your destination.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Good point I shouldn't wait.  It already bugs me seeing my old name.  Btw, I compared my old license pict to new, what a difference.  Perhaps in another year, I'll be gendered correctly:)

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on December 16, 2018, 10:25:32 PM
Good point I shouldn't wait.  It already bugs me seeing my old name.  Btw, I compared my old license pict to new, what a difference.  Perhaps in another year, I'll be gendered correctly:)

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo
Dear Bari Jo:
Yes indeed, getting all the name and gender changes done, starting with Federal, State and Local government documents .... then with school and college diplomas, professional licenses, bank accounts, credit cards, magazine subscriptions, email and social cyber sites.... etc.... the list goes on and on.  Just when you think that you have completed that task, a year or more later in some cases things will pop up requiring your attention.... and of course the junk mail and spam email will continue to arrive with the wrong name and wrong gender.

Even though you have experienced disappointing mis-gendering, please try to continue to go out and about and do your best to present yourself and even learning from the failures and using them to refine the "new" you..   As you continue to build up your self-assurance and confidence, you will eventually find that your success rate will improve.

***Please do not resign yourself to thinking about taking ONE YEAR to finally pass reliably, and remember, this is all a work in progress and success begets success and more success.

Thank you for posting and sharing, keep your updates coming.
We are your biggest fans and are always rooting for you.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

OMG, I missed the name change! CONGRATS!!!! I hope to have mine soon!!

@Bari Jo
Dear Bari Jo:
Please know that I have very much missed seeing your presence here on the forums for the last couple weeks.   I trust that all is OK in your world.

I have enjoyed following your thread this last year and watching and reading about your journey progress.   As for any of us, we all have our ups and downs.  I am sure that you know that when you are having your successes that your followers and readers are rejoicing with you, and when your moments are not so good, we are here to listen and to lend our shoulder to lean on.

I trust that you and your loved one had a very MERRY CHRISTMAS.... and that
your NEW YEAR in 2019 will bring you much happiness as you continue in your journey.

Please continue to keep your thread updated as you feel so led.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

It seems my last post was lost to the corruption, and I'd like to preserve the intent of the content. I will repost what I remember of it here, plus add a new wrinkle to my transition, which happened just this morning.

Xmas and new years are now over.  In contrast from last Xmas, this one was way better.  Last Xmas my father requested that I not tell any relatives just yet about me.  I had only recently come out to him and we were relearning how to get along as father and daughter.  It was tough on me and found myself retreating to my room at night and crying myself to sleep.  My dog was great comfort though. I did end up buying femme fashionable uggs and doing my nails neutral during that Xmas.  I just couldn't take being bottled up completely.

This year though all my relatives know and I have universal support.  Everyone used my name, although gender was missed mostly by my sister.  Still though, makeup, nails and dressing made me feel much better about myself.  This was the first Xmas without my Fanta and I sorely missed him.  Even so, it was a better trip.

Two things transition wise happened on that trip I want to take a note of.  One is I went shopping with my dad for things for the house and I was gendered correctly in front of my dad by other customers.  I also had this happen at the airport shops every time too.
Either I look better, or there is more training happening.  I'm hoping the former.  I'm glad my dad was able to see others treat me as a woman too.

The second is at the TSA screener.  As you know the person at the scanning booth genders each person to load the correct scanning profile to compare against. I was gendered as female, but then immediately flagged for a pat down.  I am fine for that and was expecting it.  They then showed me areas that they had to pay closer attention too. I expected this also.  What surprised me though was it was only one area.  My legs, were fine, my shoulders were fine, boobs fine, belly fine, crotch out of norm. So I got a pat down there from a lovely lady that complimented my makeup and earrings.  I am starting to think the makeup and earrings compliment is part of the govt playbook to diffuse any tension with mtf transgender situations.  I had the same thing at the dmv a month prior.  Anyway all was well.  I had no tension really, I was actually happy my scan did not vary from their profile more. Later on while waiting to board the plane the gate agent pulled me out of line and said she found a better seat for me.  I did not ask for one, I think the airport keeps tabs on unusual experiences and tries to make them better, or maybe the universe was shining on me.

I have been posting less frequently since there really haven't been a lot of highs and lows or major milestones to achieve.  I'm on hrt for 1.7 months, out to the world including work, am full time, have my name and gender changed already.  I am kind of just bobbing along in the transition sea.  There doesnt seem much of a wind going anyplace.  I am not sad, nor happy, just there and living.  I have a theory on this and that in the beginning of transition everything is so new and every tiny step and change was full of new feelings, new experiences, full of emotion good and bad sometimes.  As time went on, these milestones seemed to be further apart and either more major or require time and more work. Now I have achieved a lot, experienced a lot and done a lot in my transition.  Am I fully transitioned?  Heck no, but what's left takes way longer so I'm kinda bobbing around trying to be more femme, continuing electrolysis, losing weight.  I'm still too heavy, too masculine and have too deep a voice.  I'm working on them all.  I still get misgendered nearly 95% of the time and that's unacceptable.

Now, some plusses, it's not all bad and boring.  I participated in a womens pinball tournament and came in third.  Pinball, btw is my number one outlet as Bari Jo.  I love being femme, and playing  I love playing with ladies, having girl talk, the encouragement, hugs and so on.  It's the closest thing I have to being a teenager again.  Anyway, in this tournament I came in third.  I usually never do that well.   I won a sash and tiara, and wore them proudly.  I wore the tiara to the next league night too.  I even display it at work.  I tell people they can refer to me as princess if they prefer:).included is a pict from the Royal Court. I am glad I didn't break the lens.  Oh I hung out with another girt at another Pinball show too and dang if we weren't having BFF moments.  She's from the east coast so not close.  We hung out talked boys, our lives, where we re gong, had drinks and played pinball of course.  I so need a BFF like that locally.  Anyway Royal Court time.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/lx1a01k0nnf4shj/DSC_0372.jpg?raw=1)

Now another new thing.  This just happened this morning. I was hit on by a butch lesbian.  I don't think I'm all that passable, but I was femme enough for her, so that got me super happy.  I thanked her for the conversation and bid her a great day.  I was off to work, so had to run, but wow, first experience there.  I do have some feeling for women still, but am going to try for a boyfriend instead.  Maybe men will start hitting on me soon.  I hope so.  I do feel the need, it's been far too long.

Bari Jo

Aw that was a very eventful update. Wow!
Doesn't it feel great being gendered female?! Even if they're trying to be polite or have jobs that require it... I just hated being called sir so I'll take what I can get it.
You seem to be handling all the changes well.  Have the emotional changes leveled out for you on estrogen?
I feel the same way about getting a boyfriend, it's been so long! Hang in there, even when guys start to pay attention it can get complicated. It's still a good thing though when it does happen that a guy is interested. But it can be a bit annoying when they don't pursue or initiate things. I don't like doing that myself so it does make me feel undesirable at times.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

That is a wonderful update!! So happy that things are so positive! (And they are, all of that was way more than "neutral" even on its own merits.)

Also we don't chat enough anymore! ;D

Quote from: Roll on January 16, 2019, 11:33:13 AM
Also we don't chat enough anymore! ;D

I do miss our chats too.  I need to hang out here more again.  I'm writing from the Narita Airport in Tokyo.  I don't know what the bathroom policy is here, so I started to use the mens just in case there is some law I'd break.  A woman said, miss, that's the men's room.  The ladies is over here.  Then she looked at my face and said, oh I'm sorry.  I thought you were a lady.  So, I am not going to get mad at that.  I will learn what I can and move on.  What I learned is my presentation is passing. However my face is not.  Well, I know what I have to work on, boo, and whimper.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 19, 2019, 01:31:13 AM
I do miss our chats too.  I need to hang out here more again.  I'm writing from the Narita Airport in Tokyo.  I don't know what the bathroom policy is here, so I started to use the mens just in case there is some law I'd break.  A woman said, miss, that's the men's room.  The ladies is over here.  Then she looked at my face and said, oh I'm sorry.  I thought you were a lady.  So, I am not going to get mad at that.  I will learn what I can and move on.  What I learned is my presentation is passing. However my face is not.  Well, I know what I have to work on, boo, and whimper.

Bari Jo

Honestly, I'm not here as much as I should be. Mostly Twitter and Facebook Messenger because they give me alerts. ;D

And that happens to me a lot too. People will flag me down with "maam" and then get confused. One person at Target actually stumbled and said "Maam, sir, maam". I've started just saying "It's cool, I'm trans I know".

Love your update Bari Jo.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Thank you for your updates! Life is about changes. You seem to have accomplished said changes with all the grace and dignity of the Lady you are.

Quote from: Roll on January 22, 2019, 06:54:26 PM
Honestly, I'm not here as much as I should be. Mostly Twitter and Facebook Messenger because they give me alerts. ;D

And that happens to me a lot too. People will flag me down with "maam" and then get confused. One person at Target actually stumbled and said "Maam, sir, maam". I've started just saying "It's cool, I'm trans I know".

That's a great attitude to have.

My Tokyo trip is coming to a close.  I thought I'd post a couple picts and tell stories.  First off, as far as I can tell trans people are treated with respect here.  I don't know the laws on bathroom use, but have been using the ladies room here and no troubles.  I guess I should have expected this from a culture that gave us Birdo in Super Mario 25 years ago.

Anyway, one of my best memories on this trip is meeting with another trans person here in Japan.  He is a trans man and we had drinks at one of the top 50 bars in the world.  Wow is all I can say.  I was definitely the girl of the group and he the man which I loved.  Included is a couple picts from the bar.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/kr0r4b64vpakr27/IMG_1097.jpg?raw=1)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/bwo4nxd498d00gu/DSC_0478.jpg?raw=1)

Another is from a giant art installation called Borderless.  It was about 4 acres of projection and lighting installations.  I'm including just a pict of me in front of one of them. I'm not particularly attractive there, but I like it.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/5kys0jiyxal57fs/IMG_1168.jpg?raw=1)

Oh, one more.  I went shopping in Harajuku which is known for their quickly styles.  I had zero trouble shopping for ladies clothes and bought a leather jacket, a couple shirts and a hat that screams I'm from Japan.

I guess lastly I went video game shopping too.  The gamer girl is part of me and always will be.  Anyway, I'm living life as Bari Jo.  I love being me.

Bari Jo

@Bari Jo
I am so very glad to read your terrific good news update centered around your Japan trip ... and to see your posted photos is such a treat for me and surely for all of your thread followers.

It was great to see your radiant smile and how you were so nicely dressed... and your great shopping trip for clothes.

I love your very last sentence: "Anyway, I'm living life as Bari Jo.  I love being me."
It made me almost cry with joy for you....... well, I did cry!!!

Thank you for sharing.
Hugs and well wishes... and safe travels home.
Danielle

Thank you Bari Jo for the great pics and update. 
What a cute couple you and your new friend make!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

Quote from: Jessica on January 30, 2019, 11:20:49 PM
Thank you Bari Jo for the great pics and update. 
What a cute couple you and your new friend make!

Hah, no we are only friends.  He's actually married to a nice young lady:)

Bari Jo

Sometimes the world surprises you.  This is an uncommon real life crossover.  I don't talk about my home business here really at all since it's not really trans related or has any run-ins with any of my personal issues.  This time I knew it would be meeting head on and I was pleasantly surprised by the result.

I design and build high end arcade and pinball machines for my home business.  Recently I had to do a photo shoot for an honor, which I will describe in a few months after it occurs.  Anyway the gaming community has not been known to be that friendly toward really anything.  It's so common to hear and read about stalking online, threats in gaming, profanity, etc.  It has gotten better lately, I will give you that.  Anyway, this was going to be the first real introduction to me, and my first near finished game publicly.  Internally I'm very proud of what I've accomplished both with the game and my transition.  Putting us together could invite hate on me for one being trans, or even hate on my work, so this was a big risk.

I took the risk and posted this picture.  This is my first MAME machine, which is an arcade machine emulator.  I based my design on the 1960s The Time Machine.  The thought process is if you want to play an old game, you will need to travel back in time to play it and this is the Time Machine to take you there.  I also wanted to build a game that belonged in the finest of offices and or bars.  It's a museum quality piece and took the small mame building community by complete surprise.  Of course a few did poke me at being trans. But the community itself backed me and trounced those few.

Experiences like this give me confidence that I can be me wherever I go, especially the communities that I feel love for, as they have my back.  All the stress, worry and what ifs about non support have been fading.  I know I'm lucky in this regard and indeed feel blessed.  Being my authentic self is starting to feel second nature, less like I have a secret.  I like being me especially when others seem to like me as me too.

Without further ado, here is my pict.  Tell me what you think of this!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/18d8cg0yldaeydb/Viki_Bari_Jo.jpg?raw=1)

Bari Jo