Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transitioning => Topic started by: steph2.0 on September 17, 2017, 11:42:47 PM

Title: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 17, 2017, 11:42:47 PM
Hi all,

In my introduction post a while back...

(here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,227254.msg2015145.html#msg2015145 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,227254.msg2015145.html#msg2015145))

...with the strong suggestion of my friend, guide, and badger-in-chief Laurie, I promised to put together some kind of record of my transition. I was thinking about doing a retrospective topic that covered everything up to now, and a separate one for things going forward. Well, a little of Laurie's attitude must have rubbed off, because that sounds a little too much like planned organization. So I'm going to throw everything into this thread willy-nilly. You'll see flashbacks, long-form stories, stream-of-consciousness blabber, short notes, links to other things I've posted, and likely a fair amount of silliness. That's assuming anybody actually reads any of it. If not, at least I'll have a record for myself and a server to keep it on.

So if there's anyone in here (crickets), read on...

Steph

[edit: add link to Introduction]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on September 17, 2017, 11:49:17 PM
Eyes peeled, ears pricked and nostrils flaired; stream away!

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 18, 2017, 12:04:30 AM
A Wonderful Day

Yesterday my wife and I went to a neat little town on the Gulf of Mexico. I went as my real self with a nice button down top, capris, and a cute sun hat. Just a couple of 59 year old ladies out for a nice day in a resort town. It was hot downtown but we walked down to the bay and had dinner in a nice restaurant outside on the water.

Now, this wasn't the first time I'd gone out as myself, but I'd always felt furtive and nervous about it, with the attitude that I was pretending to be a woman, and I hoped nobody saw through my disguise. This time I said to myself, "What was I thinking before? I AM a woman!" And I realized I believed it. With that attitude if anyone calls me out, they're the one in error, not me.

And I had a wonderful day. Nobody looked twice as we walked around town, the restaurant staff was great, and nobody in the place pointed and snickered. We even had a bit of silliness with the waiter. After he took our orders, he reached across the table for my wife's menu, and she misinterpreted and shook his hand. We all cracked up, and to carry the joke further, the waiter shook my hand, too, and we all bowed to each other. Now, I saw the handshake coming, so I knew to avoid the masculine, "put 'er there, ol' buddy ol' pal" style handshake, and offered just my fingers. He never noticed anything amiss. (See what I did there?) How cool to relax and have fun just being myself.

When we left there we attended a local trans social meetup and spent the evening meeting new folks, trading stories, and learning from each other.

As always, it all had to end, and we made the long drive home, where I had to devolve back to the drab male existence I'm stuck with for a little while yet. Not too much longer, though...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 18, 2017, 12:30:24 AM
More Family Validation

I wrote in another thread about how I came out to my Mom and sister. You can read about it at these links:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.msg2011416.html#msg2011416 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.msg2011416.html#msg2011416)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.msg2012908.html#msg2012908 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.msg2012908.html#msg2012908)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.msg2013288.html#msg2013288 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.msg2013288.html#msg2013288)

I thought I was going to have to go through it all again for my Mom's hubby (she got remarried after my Dad died long ago), and my sister's hubby, but both Mom and sis said they'd tell them themselves, so I was spared that. Since then both husbands have been told about me, and while I haven't talked to either of them myself, I'm told that they're both understanding and supportive.

Well, that was proven today. As noted in yet other threads, my old name was Stephen, which I've feminized to Stephanie for simplicity, and practically everyone called me Steve. About two weeks ago I started signing my emails to family as "Steph", and my Mom had replied that she'd find it hard to start calling me that, but she'd work hard on it. Well, I got an email from her today, checking on how I'm doing - not just recovering from that nasty uninvited houseguest Irma, but also on my mental and physical health in my transition. And she wrote this:
Quote"I must tell you, we  were wondering how you were doing when Irma coming through the other day and [hubby] said "Steph" will be ok, that made me so happy that he called you "Steph".

Not nearly as happy as it made me. It induced more ocular leakage...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 18, 2017, 12:33:18 AM
Hi Steph(anie) H2O,

  Well it is about time. I'm not getting any younger ya know? I look forward to keeping up with your antics, trial, self deprecations, Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera It ought to be entertaining. Do you think you can give us a heads up when you feel another entry coming on? (I still cook popcorn the old fashioned way and it takes a bit more time)

  It does sound like you two little ol' ladies were out to have a bit of fun and did so in style. Isn't it nice to be out and shuck that fear and worry from your shoulders and just relax? When you can do that it marks a transition in your journey from wanting to be and being who you are. As you indicated  it is almost a tangible thing when it happens. You feel it inside. You can't grab it or hold it but you sure can feel the change. And it feels "Good" doesn't it?
  You know I don't think you have hardly talked about your better half. She must be a wonderful woman to put up with the likes of you for so long. Please tell her hello for me and give her a hug from me. I'm sure you have been umm a challenge for her over the years.

   Good start for a personal thread. We'll just have to see how it grows from here. Try not to use too much fertilizer.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on September 18, 2017, 12:55:02 AM
A day on the gulf of Mexico and a tasty meal with the person you love sounds wonderful. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 18, 2017, 01:31:04 AM
Quote from: Laurie on September 18, 2017, 12:33:18 AM
Do you think you can give us a heads up when you feel another entry coming on? (I still cook popcorn the old fashioned way and it takes a bit more time).

I don't have it all figured out yet, but I know there's a way to get notifications on new posts in threads. Just come on in. I doubt you'll have to fight for a seat.

QuoteIt does sound like you two little ol' ladies were out to have a bit of fun and did so in style. Isn't it nice to be out and shuck that fear and worry from your shoulders and just relax? When you can do that it marks a transition in your journey from wanting to be and being who you are. As you indicated  it is almost a tangible thing when it happens. You feel it inside. You can't grab it or hold it but you sure can feel the change. And it feels "Good" doesn't it?

I imagine it's like a pale shadow of what Moni is experiencing now, or what Kendra felt on stage this weekend. It's amazing to me that just 8 weeks ago I would have been terrified witless by just the thought of going out as my real self, and now I just want more More MORE!

QuoteYou know I don't think you have hardly talked about your better half. She must be a wonderful woman to put up with the likes of you for so long. Please tell her hello for me and give her a hug from me. I'm sure you have been umm a challenge for her over the years.

She is pretty awesome. A fascinating mix of geek, clueless tool user, deeply loving wife, emotionless Vulcan, fierce competitor, lazy bum, and always, best friend. I had a secret crush on her in high school, and fell head over heels in love with her when we met up again a few years out of school (long long ago in a land far far away). We've been together ever since, despite my insecurities, immaturity, and of course, my deeply buried dysphoria, though we didn't actually get married until 2003. It may be true what Dr. Ann Vitale wrote, that due to our gender identity we tend to fall in love with the woman we want to be. Though she drives me crazy sometimes, I still deeply admire her.

Our arrangement has always been unconventional, and the joke has been that she's the one who goes out hunting and gathering, and I stay home barefoot and pregnant. She's a lot smarter than I am, so she got the college degree and the high paying jobs. It took me about 15 years to catch up to and finally surpass the amount of money she brought in. It was a standing joke when we went out to eat, that when it came time to decide who was reaching for their credit card, I always said, "hey, you make more than I do."

She's not in any way a girly girl, and is bemused when it's suggested that she can help me learn to deal with makeup, pick out clothes, move and speak like a girl, etc. She's never worn makeup, gotten her ears pierced, or painted her nails. Any of that stuff that's in the house has come from my collection. I've always been the one to do the designing and decorating in the house. When it comes to clothes, she wishes there was an adult version of Garanimals. So while she's completely on my side during my transition, she's not going to be much help with it.

She just exists, and is comfortable with who she is. Isn't that what we all want? I've never known what that feels like, but I'm working on it.

So now you know. I'll give her a hug from you, and a bigger one from me.

QuoteTry not to use too much fertilizer.

I'll leave that to youse guys in the pee-nut gallery.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 18, 2017, 11:21:18 PM
The Story Behind the New Avatar

First of all, I'll attempt to post the picture here, too, since I'm not likely to keep it as my avatar for long. I like the sign for its silliness, but I look terrible in the picture. It's the lighting... yeah, that's the ticket...

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/4a4fdq3y7n8k9g4/newbroad.jpg?dl=1)

A little background: I've had dysphoria for almost all my life, but back in May I hit the wall hard. I came out to my wife, who is awesome about it all, and made an appointment with a gender therapist. I was really nervous about it all, and questioning whether I was doing the right thing (like everyone, I still do at times), but two auspicious events happened that made me think maybe I was on the right path.

Auspicious Event #1: We got to my first therapist appointment early, so we walked down the street to the 7-11 to get something to drink and use the restrooms. When we got there, the men's room was out of order. My wife asked at the counter where I could go, and was told, "Your husband can use the lady's room." Wow, I wasn't even presenting female yet, and I was already using the lady's room.

AE #2: At the session, my therapist told us about a social meetup of the local T Support Group that was coming up in five days. It would be at a private residence (which was unusual for the group), which would be great for my first time out. And it turned out the house was on "New Broad Street."

It looks like somebody was trying to tell me something. Those signs are hard to ignore. I've been going full steam ahead since then. I'll fill in more blanks with other posts, but to give you an idea how far I've come since May, we'll probably have to go bra shopping this weekend.  :o

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on September 19, 2017, 03:51:14 AM
Try IMgur.com I use that for hosting of my pics...there may be better ones out there but they even give you the code to copy and paste into the post...

Great to hear the therapy session went well....will look forward to more adventures
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 19, 2017, 11:42:59 AM
Hi Steph(anie),

  I too liked your sign over the strange individual in the picture.

To steal a post from Dena try...

Quote from: Dena on September 16, 2017, 01:16:37 PM
You need to pick a server to host the pictures then capture the link. To place the link in the post, the text should look like the following.
[img]http://www.imagesite.xxx.picture.jpeg[/img]

  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on September 19, 2017, 05:23:37 PM
Hi Steph,
   Congrats on your transition progress. I see I got a mention on here. I look forward to seeing you celebrate the steps you take. It wasn't long ago I was where you are now. It is so hard to have patience being trans. I found talking about it helped with this requirement. I do have a street name that you might google. It is something like Weiner Cutoff Road. It is apparently a real place. I kind of took it as my sign that I was going in the right direction.  ;D Anyway, good luck on the thread. I hear if you hang garlic on the door of your thread it keeps the evil one away. Either that, or she'll have bad breath.
Moni
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 19, 2017, 08:28:13 PM
Wow! I love garlic too. I just picked up another large elephant garlic bulb today when I went shopping for some ingredients for something I've decided to try making. The store didn't have poblano chilis and I forgot chicken stock but I have the heavy cream.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 19, 2017, 10:16:26 PM
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 19, 2017, 05:23:37 PM
It wasn't long ago I was where you are now.

That's why there's so much value in sticking around as we move past our personal milestones. While I feel like I'm so early in the process, I realized today that I've moved far enough in some aspects to help others who are where I was only a few months ago. Today I was able to give some advice that I hope helped a few people. If you had told me when I had my initial meltdown in May that by September I would have been out and about multiple times as my authentic self, and would be going shopping for bras, I would've said, "Aw g'wan witcha!" Or something like that.

When looking ahead through the fog of anxiety it looks impossible, but looking back, it didn't take all that long, and it wasn't all that hard. Letting other people have the benefit of that experience feels really good. We take strength from those ahead of us, and pass it on to those following. That's what makes Susan's so great.

QuoteI do have a street name that you might google. It is something like Weiner Cutoff Road. It is apparently a real place. I kind of took it as my sign that I was going in the right direction. ;D

I said to myself, "self, there's no way that could be true". So I looked for it, and self was wrong. Yup, it's in Harrisburg, Arkansas. Amazing.

QuoteI hear if you hang garlic on the door of your thread it keeps the evil one away. Either that, or she'll have bad breath.

Well, she likes it. So much for that idea.

Smell ya later,

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 19, 2017, 10:23:20 PM
I came out to another friend and his wife tonight, and they were terrific. I have great friends.  ^-^

That covers about half of the people I care enough about to want to tell them personally, with no losses so far. Still waiting to get hit by the rejection freight train.

Planning for the worst and hoping for the best...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 19, 2017, 10:29:30 PM
I am hoping for the best for you too Steph(anie) Take if from Liz and I and many others rejection can really suck. Hope you never have to go there.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 19, 2017, 11:39:25 PM
Quote from: Laurie on September 19, 2017, 10:29:30 PM
Take if from Liz and I and many others rejection can really suck. Hope you never have to go there.

Thank you.

How do I say anything else without inducing more pain? I had typed much more, but the more I wrote, the more it made me understand the guilt Moni was talking about when she wrote about realizing her dreams. So I erased it all, and instead just send you, Liz, and everyone else my love and appreciation for your help and friendship.

Hugs,

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 19, 2017, 11:52:59 PM
Quote from: ElizabethK on September 19, 2017, 03:51:14 AM
Try IMgur.com I use that for hosting of my pics...there may be better ones out there but they even give you the code to copy and paste into the post...

Great to hear the therapy session went well....will look forward to more adventures

Thanks Liz, it's nice to talk to you. You seem just as nice as Laurie said you would be.

I know Dropbox should work because the latest pictures Kendra posted are hosted there. Dropbox gives you the code to include, too, and when I compared the elements on the published pages of my posts and Kendra's, they're almost identical. Yet hers works and mine doesn't. I could set up an Imgur account, but that would feel like giving up. I'm stubborn like that, so i'm still investigating.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 19, 2017, 11:56:53 PM
Quote from: Laurie on September 19, 2017, 11:42:59 AM
I too liked your sign over the strange individual in the picture.

Strange indeed. I admit it.

As for the image code, it looks just like Dena's example. Hmmm...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 20, 2017, 12:05:59 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 19, 2017, 11:52:59 PM
Thanks Liz, it's nice to talk to you. You seem just as nice as Laurie said you would be.

I know Dropbox should work because the latest pictures Kendra posted are hosted there. Dropbox gives you the code to include, too, and when I compared the elements on the published pages of my posts and Kendra's, they're almost identical. Yet hers works and mine doesn't. I could set up an Imgur account, but that would feel like giving up. I'm stubborn like that, so i'm still investigating.

Steph

  You should know by now you cannot believe that dang Laurie..  errr wait  make that  Moanie.

  As far as my last post goes Just  take away my wishes for you to have only good coming outs. That's all. I should have just stopped at that but I had just read something that brought out the hurt for a bit again. Sorry my stuff caused you a bother Steph(anie)

You have me curious with your dropbox dilemma I'd like to see what dropbox provides you for a string to post. Maybe you could send it in a PM or email. I believe you have my email.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 20, 2017, 10:39:15 AM
Quote from: Laurie on September 20, 2017, 12:05:59 AM
As far as my last post goes Just  take away my wishes for you to have only good coming outs. That's all. I should have just stopped at that but I had just read something that brought out the hurt for a bit again. Sorry my stuff caused you a bother Steph(anie)

I understand, and no worries. Though my successes can't compare to the fulfillment that Moni, Rachel, Tia, and all the others have achieved, in a small way I'm beginning to understand the narrow path we walk as we celebrate the good things, while we try to avoid hurting the others here that we care about. That's why I found it best to just smile, accept the congratulations, and move on.

Quote
You have me curious with your dropbox dilemma I'd like to see what dropbox provides you for a string to post. Maybe you could send it in a PM or email. I believe you have my email.

I don't think I have your personal email, but I'll try a PM. I just realized that modifying posts is shut off after 24 hours, so the original with the non-working link is going to stay that way. I'll do some more experimenting using Preview on a new message, and let you know if I figure it out.

By the way, one test I used was copying and pasting the link to Kendra's Dropbox picture (of her on stage) and it worked just fine, but as beautiful as she is, I didn't think you'd want to see her picture in my post.

Scratching head...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 20, 2017, 11:01:56 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 20, 2017, 10:39:15 AM
I don't think I have your personal email, but I'll try a PM...
By the way, one test I used was copying and pasting the link to Kendra's Dropbox picture (of her on stage) and it worked just fine, but as beautiful as she is, I didn't think you'd want to see her picture in my post.

To quote Emily Litella: "Never mind..." I got it!

I closely compared the links:

Mine: https://www.dropbox.com/s/4a4fdq3y7n8k9g4/newbroad.jpg?dl=0
Kendra's: https://www.dropbox.com/s/5xtczd5fxnke3gz/2017-09-17%2000.36.11.jpg?dl=1

See it? The dl suffix is set to 0 on mine, and 1 on hers. I manually changed it on mine, and it works. Now if I could only edit my original post, all would be well. I'll post an amendment.

Problem solved. I can sleep now.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 20, 2017, 11:43:52 PM
Note to self:
When using edges of hands to squeegee off water after shower, avoid breasticle area.
:o
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 20, 2017, 11:45:58 PM
Staying Focused

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/dqoo7ty9gn60od8/jobsquote.jpg?dl=1)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 23, 2017, 11:16:55 PM
I posted a few days ago about coming out to another close friend and his wife, and how awesome they were about it. He called a couple days later, and the first thing I heard was, "How ya doin', Steph?" We went on to have a completely open, unreserved, and relaxed conversation about anything and everything. The call ended with him insisting that they take my wife and me, (yes, Stephanie) to Disney World for a day. This evening we set it up for next Thursday.

I am so geeked about it. I feel like I did before my first date with the woman who eventually became my wife.

I already had some wonderful friends that I can talk about anything with, but this is the first time that concrete plans were made to not just meet one of them as myself, but be treated to a whole day doing something cool with them.

Wow. My confidence is off the charts right now. But OMG, what am I gonna wear?

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Leslie601 on September 24, 2017, 11:14:30 AM
Hello Steph,

A lot of what you say reminds me of some of the stuff my SO and I went through when I first came out. Some dear friends were wonderful and some fair weather friends aren't any more. My SO felt betrayed and threw the "D" word around, I probably could have handled that better but, thank goodness, it all worked itself out. Now we have fun and some folks have had a ball at my expense. It's been a long time coming with more to come I'm sure.
Some people have started and stopped and switched back and forth but I'm sure your case will be a hoot!

Leslie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 24, 2017, 12:21:05 PM
Hey that's great Steph(anie). Say hi to Minnie for me.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 24, 2017, 10:26:51 PM
Quote from: Laurie on September 24, 2017, 12:21:05 PM
Hey that's great Steph(anie). Say hi to Minnie for me.

I will if I can Lau(rie) though it looks like most of the day we're doing a some sort of VIP tour of the Animal Kingdom park. We will have "park-hopper" tickets, though, so if we do get to the Magic Kingdom I'll look up Minnie - or should it be Goofy?

S(tep)hanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 24, 2017, 10:38:15 PM
Quote from: Leslie601 on September 24, 2017, 11:14:30 AM
A lot of what you say reminds me of some of the stuff my SO and I went through when I first came out. Some dear friends were wonderful and some fair weather friends aren't any more. My SO felt betrayed and threw the "D" word around, I probably could have handled that better but, thank goodness, it all worked itself out. Now we have fun and some folks have had a ball at my expense. It's been a long time coming with more to come I'm sure.
Some people have started and stopped and switched back and forth but I'm sure your case will be a hoot!
Hi Leslie,

My wife continues to be my rock. Not sure I could do it without her. Haven't lost any friends yet, though you never know. No matter how I'm received on my first all-day adventure as myself coming up on Thursday, I have a feeling that when I get home, I'll be ready to tell the rest of the world, embrace those who still love me for me, and discard the rest. Time to get this show on the road.

Much of this confidence was borne of the help of the great people on this forum.

Thanks for writing, and I hope your healing goes well.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on September 25, 2017, 02:05:01 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 20, 2017, 10:39:15 AM
............ I'm beginning to understand the narrow path we walk as we celebrate the good things, while we try to avoid hurting the others here that we care about. That's why I found it best to just smile, accept the congratulations, and move on.............................

Steph

Hi Steph below is an example of the code I use when I get it from IMgur which also gives me the opportunity for different code depending on what size I want

Where you see the word bracket replace it with this [ type of bracket
bracket url=https://imgur.com/yourid] bracket img]http://i.imgur.com/picturefile.jpg[/img][/url]

Hope that helps you work out how the BB code works

You are right we do walk a narrow path and as well as taking all that into consideration you have to try and do what ever is best for you...sometimes it becomes frustrating to continue to be considerate of others when they do not show you even basic respect....Sounds like you have a wonderful ally in your wife... we all a need a rock of support...its great that you have such solid support... :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 25, 2017, 08:05:45 AM
Quote from: ElizabethK on September 25, 2017, 02:05:01 AM
You are right we do walk a narrow path and as well as taking all that into consideration you have to try and do what ever is best for you...sometimes it becomes frustrating to continue to be considerate of others when they do not show you even basic respect....Sounds like you have a wonderful ally in your wife... we all a need a rock of support...its great that you have such solid support... :D

Hi Liz,

I'll start out by complimenting your new avatar. You look radiant!

As for being considerate of others who don't show respect, so far I haven't had any problem, but with my current attitude I won't have any problem writing them out of my life. We'll see how I actually respond when it does hit me in the face.

For the graphics, thanks for the tip, but now that I have Dropbox figured out, I'm good to go. It's very convenient to kerplunk the file into a folder, copy and paste the link, and make the one change, without having to sign up for yet another online service.

Be well,

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 25, 2017, 08:23:43 AM
Flashback

I ran across one of those log-sized pencils they taught us to write with in elementary school, and was reminded that I started out writing with either hand. For the first couple of weeks I could switch at will, but then was forced to use my right hand. I still write and throw right-handed, though I eat and do lots of other things left-handed. I wonder if there's any relationship to my trans condition?

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 25, 2017, 11:49:16 PM
Another milestone passed today!

After picking up my first prescription for BLT numbing cream (so I can finally get started on hair removal), I put on my earrings, brushed out my hair, grabbed my purse, and went shopping at Target. This was my first time out shopping without my wife for cover and moral support. On the way in I used the ladies room, then went right to the women's section and picked out a couple of tops... and my first bras! I had to keep going back to the fitting room until I found something that fit - probably 5 or 6 times. I used to sneak the clothes back onto the rack, but this time I just dropped them off at the desk like they want you to, and the nice lady thanked me.

There was absolutely no drama. Most people just ignored me, just another girl out shopping. The people I did interact with were nice.

Two things surprised me: first, it was a last minute decision to do this, so I the only makeup I had on was a little concealer over the beard. Second, other than giving myself a little pep talk before I got out of the car, there was no anxiety, and it just felt natural. Why shouldn't a girl go buy herself clothes without fear?

I think I'm finally getting it. Those of you who've been there are probably smiling and thinking, "I told you so!" For those who are just getting started, I was where you are just a few months ago. I you had told me in June that in September I'd be shopping in girl mode, by myself, for bras ;D, I would have called the folks with the white jacket for you. Just own it, and if you're nervous, fake the confidence 'til you make it. Don't let them smell the fear, and before long, there won't be any to smell.

I am so geeked right now. I can see RLE just around the corner...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 25, 2017, 11:59:22 PM
 Hi Steph(anie),

  Good going girl. you're doing better than me. Although I have no problem being in the women's areas and even looking for a bra I have yet to try anything on. Not a single item.  Still a chicken. Bathrooms are also an anathema for me. Fear is a very difficult thing to overcome.

Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 26, 2017, 12:05:05 AM
I'm a little mystified about where my current confidence is coming from. It's not uncommon to hear people talk about euphoria within days of starting HRT, but I didn't experience any of that, either when I first started low-dose back in June, or when I went to full-dose a few weeks ago. It was pretty disappointing at the time, but that's what I seem to be feeling now. Is is possible that it just took longer to kick in for me?

I've always been a late bloomer - slow on the puberty thing, and late on all of the maturities: sexual, intellectual, and especially emotional. And my sense of time has always seemed to be slower than everyone else's. I've always been called smart but slow. People like the work I do, but complain about how long it takes me to do it. Sometimes I feel like someone in one of those SF shows who gets thrown into a different time scale. Everyone else is zipping around while I feel like I'm at normal speed.

Aaaanyway, I'm not complaining. Just a little stream-of-consciousness wondering out loud...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 26, 2017, 12:15:43 AM
Quote from: Laurie on September 25, 2017, 11:59:22 PM
Fear is a very difficult thing to overcome.

Oh Laurie, don't I know it. Though I compared my current situation to back in June, I've been doing the terrified sneaking around "buying for my wife" birthday/Christmas-gift Halloween-costume don't-look-at-me sweating-buckets thing for at least 30 years. Online shopping was a great improvement, but even with that, I was so paranoid that I set up a new Gmail address that I could use to set up a new Amazon account, then bought Amazon gift cards that I could apply to that account so I didn't have to enter credit card information. And then I got a PO box so nothing got delivered to the house. Aaand then I worried the postal workers would see me picking it up. All of those kinds of subterfuges and lies are what finally shoved me over the top into my meltdown, and pushed me into finding a therapist. And the rest is history.

But I was serious, Laurie. People just don't give a you-know-what. Give 'em that avatar smile and you can get away with anything. Try it, you'll like it!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on September 26, 2017, 12:28:05 AM
I will confide in you that I'm confident your new-found confidence is why you are no longer confounded. 

But seriously, this is great to see.  Things that previously seemed impossible just sort of vanish when you focus on more important stuff.  If we act like we are supposed to be there (because it's true), everyone else just goes back to being civilized or fiddling with their phone. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 26, 2017, 12:34:16 AM
  I think the problem is that they are exclusively women's special places that I don't hold a membership card for.  I can do the others fine because though men are uncomfortable in them, they are still public spaces.  It's sort of like those times I would wear my sister's clothes for Halloween. It was a load of fun, but at the end of the night the clothes had to be taken off.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on September 26, 2017, 12:47:21 AM
Quote from: Laurie on September 26, 2017, 12:34:16 AM
  I think the problem is that they are exclusively women's special places that I don't hold a membership card for.  I can do the others fine because though men are uncomfortable in them, they are still public spaces.  It's sort of like those times I would wear my sister's clothes for Halloween. It was a load of fun, but at the end of the night the clothes had to be taken off.
Shhh,  don't tell anyone,  but you're a woman too,  have membership  and will be welcomed right in [emoji6]
Seriously though,  I was as nervous as anyone else here at the start,  but now it's just like picking up a new pack of drill bits at the hardware store. As I tell my young son,  you only get good at something by practice, so get out there and practice! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 27, 2017, 12:35:36 AM
Anthems

There are two songs in my head right now that are helping me stay positive. I mentioned one in a different thread - it's the theme song from Star Trek: Enterprise, called "Faith of the Heart," written by Diane Warren:

QuoteIt's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near

And I can see my dreams come alive at night
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna change my mind

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

It's been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I finally have my day

I will see my dream come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No there not gonna change my mind

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

The other song is from Jimmy Buffett (yes I admit it, I'm a Parrothead) called "Some Day I Will," part of which goes:

QuoteDon't need to know who
May help you make it come true
Just say some day I will

Don't have to work it all out
Don't have to tear it all apart
All you need's a place to start

And if it never worked before
Try it just once more
That's what your heart is for

Whether it's big or small
If you have a passion at all
Just say some day I will
Some day
Some day I will
Some day

Do you have an anthem?

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on September 27, 2017, 01:10:57 AM
When I was in a bad place REMs Everybody Hurts always helped me make it another 24 hours...

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 27, 2017, 01:57:35 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 27, 2017, 12:35:36 AM
Anthems

Do you have an anthem?

Steph

I've always been partial to one by my favorite group, The Doors.
  The song?   The End (long version

Another that seemed to resonate with me back then was on by The Beatles.
   The song? Nowhere Man

Well you did ask...

Hugs,
    Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on September 27, 2017, 02:01:45 AM
Quote from: Laurie on September 27, 2017, 01:57:35 AM
I've always been partial to one by my favorite group, The Doors.
  The song?   The End (long version

Another that seemed to resonate with me back then was on by The Beatles.
   The song? Nowhere Man

Well you did ask...

Hugs,
    Laurie
Nowhere Man - Beatles,  yes! I used to think that song was written about me.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 27, 2017, 02:15:00 AM
Quote from: meganjames2 on September 27, 2017, 02:01:45 AM
Nowhere Man - Beatles,  yes! I used to think that song was written about me.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Nope Megan, I have it on good authority it was written just for me.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on September 27, 2017, 03:13:14 AM
Quote from: Laurie on September 27, 2017, 02:15:00 AM
Nope Megan, I have it on good authority it was written just for me.

Hugs,
   Laurie
As I tell my children, 'it's nice to share!' [emoji6]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on September 27, 2017, 06:25:43 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 27, 2017, 12:35:36 AM
Anthems

Do you have an anthem?

In C






https://youtu.be/4oYHA6aklns
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 27, 2017, 09:20:51 AM
Quote from: meganjames2 on September 27, 2017, 03:13:14 AM
As I tell my children, 'it's nice to share!' [emoji6]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Megan,

  Oh Alright, I'll share. My Mom used to tell us that too.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on September 27, 2017, 06:36:23 PM
Surely you heard the song the Beatles wrote for me, Moni in the Sky's with Diamonds. And don't call be Surely. My actual favorite is Norwegian Wood but  I have distanced myself from that a bit.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 29, 2017, 02:41:21 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 27, 2017, 12:35:36 AM
Anthems
Do you have an anthem?

My anthems are songs of hope and inspiration to help move through transition.
New Horizons from the Moody Blues is another that I fall back on:

QuoteWell I've had dreams enough for one
And I've got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I've got my new horizons out to sea

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...

Where is this place that we have found
Nobody knows where we are bound
I long to hear, I need to see
Cos I've shed tears too many for me

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...

On the wind soaring free
Spread your wings
I'm beginning to see
Out of mind far from view
Beyond the reach of a nightmare come true

Well I've had dreams enough for one
And I got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I got my new horizons out to sea

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...
Someway...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 30, 2017, 07:50:30 AM
Quote from: meganjames2 on September 27, 2017, 01:10:57 AM
When I was in a bad place REMs Everybody Hurts always helped me make it another 24 hours...

Ah jeeze Megan. I'd never heard it before... what a beautiful song... but for me it had opposite the intended effect. I'm crying buckets right now. It's a cathartic thing; I'll be all right in a few minutes.

I don't remember exactly what I was listening to back then, probably Jimmy Buffett and Alan Parsons, but I missed most new 90's music. The only REM I knew was Losing My Religion. Thanks for pointing this one out.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on September 30, 2017, 07:59:23 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 30, 2017, 07:50:30 AM
Ah jeeze Megan. I'd never heard it before... what a beautiful song... but for me it had opposite the intended effect. I'm crying buckets right now. It's a cathartic thing; I'll be all right in a few minutes.

I don't remember exactly what I was listening to back then, probably Jimmy Buffett and Alan Parsons, but I missed most new 90's music. The only REM I knew was Losing My Religion. Thanks for pointing this one out.

Steph
Jasmine Thompson has done a great cover of it too. Her cover of Mad World by Tears for Fears was on my funeral play list when my planning got that far,  but that is certainly not one to make you feel better!
I've always loved mournful songs. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 30, 2017, 08:08:24 AM
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 27, 2017, 06:36:23 PM
Surely you heard the song the Beatles wrote for me, Moni in the Sky's with Diamonds.

Huh. I was sure it would be Tommy James and the Shondells' Moanie Moanie...
QuoteAnd don't call be Surely.

Roger Roger. (Give me the vector Victor).
QuoteMy actual favorite is Norwegian Wood but  I have distanced myself from that a bit.

SNORK!!

I just learned that coffee taken via the sinuses can have a powerful effect. Yer killin' me here!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on September 30, 2017, 08:27:17 AM
Yer keeling me here, Steph, "Moanie, Moanie."  It is Mon-knee. How do you shorten Monica and get Moan? I ask you? I can only assume you are under the influence of " Darth Mod." Certainly, I can reason with you, Hon. Now if I can just land this plane without crashing into the airport.
Moni
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 30, 2017, 08:38:35 AM
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 30, 2017, 08:27:17 AM
Yer keeling me here, Steph, "Moanie, Moanie."  It is Mon-knee. How do you shorten Monica and get Moan? I ask you?

Oh. I always pronounced it Moanika. I wondered why my letters to whatsername on Friends about how she was saying her name wrong never got answered.

Huh. Learn something new every day.

Staph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 30, 2017, 09:07:44 AM
Quote from: meganjames2 on September 30, 2017, 07:59:23 AM
Jasmine Thompson has done a great cover of it too. Her cover of Mad World by Tears for Fears was on my funeral play list when my planning got that far,  but that is certainly not one to make you feel better!
I've always loved mournful songs. X

I admit I love the sad stuff, too, though right now I need to distance myself from that. The main song for my funeral playlist was Old and Wise from The Alan Parsons Project. It has the added bonus of closing with a beautiful sax solo.

Back on the inspirational side, one of my favorites from Alan Parsons is Don't Let the Moment Pass, sung by Marti Webb, who has the most amazing voice and dynamic and vocal range. The first time I heard it I believed it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard - it seemed like the world just stood still and held its breath until the song ended. I always thought of myself as the woman the song is about. I still stop what I'm doing and close my eyes until it's done. The video seems kind of sad, but I never thought of it that way.

https://youtu.be/fR649gld7D4 (https://youtu.be/fR649gld7D4)

QuoteThis golden day will be mine
For every moment in time
If time should lose her way

A symphony in the night
Of stars that dance in the light
And music far away

They say that love is but a dance
Don't let the music fade away
Don't let the moment pass

Without a reason or rhyme
The sweet bouquet of the wine
Will vanish in the air

The innocence of the rose
She leaves wherever she goes
That all the World may share

Some days when clouds are drifting by
I open my eyes and watch them go
And wonder where they fly

Some nights Orion runs too fast
I look to the stars as if to say
Don't let the moment pass

But soon a golden age is past
Just when it seemed that miracles
Were not too much to ask

And though the World may turn too fast
If it should seem like Paradise
Don't let the moment pass

Don't let the moment pass...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 30, 2017, 05:13:47 PM
Where Dreams Come True

Hi All,

I wrote earlier about my friends inviting me and my wife to Disney World. We went on Wednesday and Thursday. I gave myself yesterday to think about it all and let my conclusions bubble to the surface. Here's how it went:

Other than the night I re-met the woman who would eventually marry me, it was probably the most memorable time of my life.

Getting ready was stressful. I wanted to make a good impression, and had to pick out three different outfits - one for the initial meeting, one for a T-network social gathering that evening, and one for trooping around Disney the next day. I thought I had it figured out beforehand, but as I packed I kept changing things and getting more and more freaked out. I was being such a stereotypical girl...

We had reserved a room for Wednesday night, so we drove the hour and a half to Disney and met T and his wife L there in early afternoon. As you drive in, you're required to show photo ID at the entrance gate, so there was an anxious moment as we waited in line, considering that I was already dressed. Happily they only check the ID of whomever's driving, which was my wife, so I dodged that bullet. When our friends arrived, we had to walk the length of the check-in area (a lot like an airport terminal building) to meet them. Though we've known each other for 15 years, they had never met me before -  this was in fact the first time anyone from my previous existence had met me in person. That was a long walk. I was wearing a dark button down top, a white tennis skirt, blue-with-white-polka-dots canvas sneakers, and a white sun hat. I was watching for the reaction, and what I got was a smile and a hug. I mentioned that I was nervous about it all, and he didn't understand. He told me as far as he was concerned, I was just another of the girls walking around the building.

While my wife and L stood in line to check in, T and I went to the food court to buy drinks. He got a beer and I got a diet Coke, and we put them both on his order. When we went to the checkout, something very cool happened. The cashier looked at the order, then at me, and then at T, and said, "Only one beer because she's not old enough, right?" Now, that's the way to start a vacation. I was grinning like a fool. Give that girl a raise.

After we got checked in we went out for lunch, and the ladies (3) and gentleman (1) were treated very well. After relaxing for the afternoon and moving into our rooms, I changed into the outfit that I had worn for the first time I went dressed to see my therapist (story here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,206382.msg2016008.html#msg2016008 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,206382.msg2016008.html#msg2016008)) and we left T and L to go to a T-network social gathering outside Orlando. We met some cool people there and did some networking and sharing of hints and tips. Here I am in the group picture (hat and black flowered top):

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/ktb2ju3x1ejykgz/tnetwork9.28.17.jpg?dl=1)

When that meeting broke up, we met up with T and L at a piano bar back at Disney. The only seats left were close to the stage and I had to sit in front of them. I apologized for blocking their view, but told them they shouldn't mind, because I was fabulous! Well, that was the way I was feeling...

The next morning I was nervous again for some reason. I was also a little disheartened because the day before, T and L and even my wife had done a fair amount of misgendering and dead-naming. I had to keep reminding myself that not only had they known the old me for a very long time, but since I'm still flip-flopping between old and new, they were probably feeling whipsawed, and having a hard time keeping up. Since I knew they were really trying, and none of it was mean-spirited, I gave them a pass - and they needed it, because it continued most of that day, too. I just settled on asking, "who?" if they dead-named me, and suggesting the correct pronoun when they got that wrong. It got awkward in the middle of the day when they, when trying to get my attention, would yell, "Steve, uh, STEPH!" Nobody seemed to notice, though. They finally started to get it toward the end of the day. And that was the only negative of the whole adventure. Speaking of adventure, let's rejoin our heroine:

Today the outfit was casual fabulous. Lightweight plaid button down top, tan capris, white tennies, and a tan sun hat. Oh, and my new 36A bra, which I almost filled - well enough that I went without the breast forms. Woohoo! After breakfast in the food court, we hopped a bus and headed for Disney's Wild Kingdom park. There's no real point in describing the park itself. It's typical Disney wonderfulness combined with a zoological conservation and research park, a few rides, and a new Pandora area based on the Avatar movie. We almost got eaten by dinosaurs, were nearly cremated by the meteor that wiped them out (serves them right for trying to eat us), watched monkeys playing, visited with all kinds of savannah animals, said hi to some lowland gorillas who were pretty laid back about it all, were wowed by a live bird presentation, became 3D bugs for a while, and watched a cool night pageant on the lake.

Through it all there was absolutely no drama. My previous attitude had always been to keep my eyes down - don't make eye contact and be invisible. Then I realized that my sunglasses are pretty dark and slightly mirrored, and nobody can see where I'm looking. So my mission was to look at everyone and try to detect any sideways glances or outright strange looks. I kept my head up, a slight smile on my face, and looked at everyone. Doing that sent positive feedback to my attitude - and as I'm reminded here, attitude is the major part of passing. Before long the smile wasn't forced.

And there was nothing. No double takes, no hidden smiles, no awkwardness, zip. And due to the spiro, I had to use the ladies rooms multiple times during the day, and there was no issue there, either. Women held the door for me and smiled back, I had to stand in line inside one time, and once, in a restroom with only two sinks, a lady was standing in front of one while her daughter washed her hands in the other, and she looked up, smiled back at me, apologized, and moved over so I could wash my hands.

The only time there may have been any kind of reaction was when we sat down to eat lunch, and it could just be my hyperactive imagination. The waiter was very friendly and efficient, and asked each of us in turn for our orders: "yes sir?" (to T), "your order ma'am"?, and "yes ma'am?" (to L and my wife), and "and what would you like?" (to me). Nothing unkind or anything, just no pronouns. Eh, whatever. The food and service was good.

When we registered for our rooms, my wife came back with these buttons:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/tr63nf24h3nb0di/celebrating.jpg?dl=1)

We didn't know that the Disney employees would ask why we were celebrating, and my wife kind of stammered something out about "just celebrating" the first time it happened. I was ready then later when I was asked. I told her, "I'm starting a new life," and she said that was wonderful and congratulations. I smiled back...

I think my favorite part was when everyone else took their seats for the night show, and I decided to go in search of a pretzel, striking out on my own. I had to walk almost halfway around the entire park alone. Again I was watching for reactions, and I was just another woman in search of a snack. I finally found a vendor and practiced my voice to order my pretzel. Again no reaction. Here you are, ma'am, and thank you, oh I'm sorry ma'am we don't have lids for the cups, etc.

By the end of the day, the concealer was sweated off my face and I was starting to feel a little bristly, but things were still cool. We rode the bus back to the hotel and got a snack in the food court while we talked about how things went, what it all means, a little dive into philosophy, and what was coming up in the future. Another trip to the ladies room, and we parted with hugs and heartfelt thanks as they went back to their room and we headed home to our scurvy dawg.

So what did it all mean? I admit that in the past, when things were relatively stable and I had myself buried pretty deeply, I didn't think much about whether I was really comfortable. That voice inside that was yelling, "hey, can I come out and play?" was suppressed so far that I could successfully ignore it. At times I even enjoyed myself. But once I let myself free, there could be no more avoiding the unreality of that old existence. Much of it was just that: existing.

For this adventure I had expected either being miserable if things didn't go well, or experiencing some kind of floaty euphoria if it did. Instead I think my takeaway from it all was that, for one of the first times in my life, I felt normal. At the beginning of the day, I felt a little furtive, like a secret agent in enemy territory, behind the mirrored glasses watching for the bad guys. By the end of the day, I was just being me. It showed me that you don't have to be in a constant state of overwhelming joy to be happy. What's needed is a state of mind that doesn't necessarily invoke a huge grin, but a confident smile. What I found was quiet contentment, and happiness in being a complete person.

I had regarded this as a test to prove to myself that I either was or wasn't on the right path for my life. There is no longer any doubt in my mind that transitioning is the right thing to do. I had a tentative timeline in my head for coming out to the last of the people I care about, most notably my neighbors. The whole timeline is being shifted forward. Not sure just how far yet, but with this new certainty, there's no real point in putting it off much longer. As one of Larry  Niven's characters (Beowulf Shaeffer?) would say to himself, "I have to do this some time, why not now?"

Here is me in front of Avatar's Tree of Life.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/qy4aczbdhykbzsm/stephatdisney1.jpg?dl=1)

I have to wrap up with deep wholehearted thanks to T and L, and especially my wife, for helping to make this adventure, and my new life, a reality. I love you all.

Signing off (with apologies to Mawwwwnie),

HappySteph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 30, 2017, 05:40:16 PM
Hi Steph,

  What a really nice outing for you , your wife and your friends. Very little to complain about in any of what you related. The part I liked best was "I think my takeaway from it all was that, for one of the first times in my life, I felt normal.. I'm not a philosophical kind of person so I don't do well at deciphering what i feel but reading those words I was drawn back to my meetings with the ladies on my road trip and I think it describes how I felt while I was with each of them. I didn't have to pretend or play a role. I didn't have to worry or be afraid. I was able to be myself with the and could just be normal. I think that is what I really meant when I said I used them as my security blanket.  Thank yot Steph(anie) for putting it in words for me.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on September 30, 2017, 11:11:41 PM
Next  trip, Florida to Baltimore to Oregon.

Montasia
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on September 30, 2017, 11:42:19 PM
Stephanie... WOW.  Go girl! 

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 12:07:36 AM
Laurie, Moni, Kendra,

It's so appropriate that you three are the first to comment on my report. Laurie's road trip, Moni's report on standing with 1000 people in her skirt (?), and Kendra's experience with the band are the touchstones that inspire me to keep moving forward. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the encouragement and motivation.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 12:09:50 AM
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 30, 2017, 11:11:41 PM
Next  trip, Florida to Baltimore to Oregon.

Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting mawnies.

Stephie Fudd
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 12:24:12 AM
Quote from: Laurie on September 30, 2017, 05:40:16 PM
The part I liked best was "I think my takeaway from it all was that, for one of the first times in my life, I felt normal.. I'm not a philosophical kind of person so I don't do well at deciphering what i feel but reading those words I was drawn back to my meetings with the ladies on my road trip and I think it describes how I felt while I was with each of them. I didn't have to pretend or play a role. I didn't have to worry or be afraid. I was able to be myself with the and could just be normal. I think that is what I really meant when I said I used them as my security blanket.

I've also had wonderful conversations, on the phone and via email, and a few times in person, where I could be completely relaxed, open and honest with the people in my support group. What I realized at the end of the full day, though, was that after all the concentrated practice among thousands of people, I had learned that I could be a normal person with total strangers. It was a real eye-opener.

I can recommend doing something like this to anyone who wants to move forward at more than a snail's pace. Going out for a few hours every few weekends was pretty cool, but the immersiveness of spending that much time among that many people taught me things and boosted my confidence in ways that would have taken months to do any other way. I'm sure your road trip did much the same for you.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 12:26:01 AM
Quote from: Kendra on September 30, 2017, 11:42:19 PM
Stephanie... WOW.  Go girl!

Thanks Kendra. Yeah, wow indeed. I'm still buzzing. And there's even more good news to come...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 12:53:31 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 30, 2017, 05:13:47 PM
I had a tentative timeline in my head for coming out to the last of the people I care about, most notably my neighbors. The whole timeline is being shifted forward. Not sure just how far yet, but with this new certainty, there's no real point in putting it off much longer....
I have to do this some time, why not now?

I may have mentioned the situation in my neighborhood before, but to review, I live in a small highly social place where we all share the same interest, and have all become good friends. I consider them all like family - in some cases closer than blood family, since we see each other much more often and do more things together than I do with the family I was born into. I treasure all the memories we make together. That's why I've been putting off coming out to them for so long. I've been terrified of losing the privilege of spending time with them.

My original plan was to wait until there was no hiding the transition, then throw a neighborhood party and come out to everyone at the same time. That couldn't be done for at least a month yet, though, because some of them are snowbirds and won't be back here in Florida until at least the middle of October, or even later. Things are getting dicy though, since I'm already having to take care what shirts I pick out before I walk the dog around the neighborhood. And after the last couple of days being myself, pressure was building...

Well, the day after I got back from Disney I spent a little time at a neighbor's house doing some technical stuff. I'm the pet geek in the neighborhood and I was helping them with some computer/phone stuff. And after we got done last evening I gathered my courage, sat them down, and told them everything.

And they were awesome. I have two more people in my support group. B is an ex-college football player who spent time in the military, and his wife K also served, and they are completely supportive. K is a much better judge of people than I am, and she is convinced that I'm not going to get resistance from anyone else in the neighborhood, either.

I'm planning to take my next-door neighbors to dinner tomorrow for watching our dog when we were at Disney, and will probably come out to them afterward. G is an ex-Navy Seal who can do anything with steel and a welder, and is one of the nicest people I know, and J is a businesswoman and incredibly intelligent, even if she is a crazy cat lady. I don't expect anything bad from either of them.

So I hope Ashley doesn't mind if I quote her:

Onward We Go!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on October 01, 2017, 02:47:20 AM
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 30, 2017, 11:11:41 PM
Next  trip, Florida to Baltimore to Oregon.

Montasia

   Minniewhoha & Steph(anie),

   I have been entertaining thoughts along those lines for a road trip. Unfortunately I am acquiring so many appointments now for various things that to do such a road trip again would probably require some planning and we all know that's not going to happen. Hell, I'd leave today if I could. But I already have twelve appointments made between now and the middle of November and I know I will have to be making several more previously unanticipated ones.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 01, 2017, 03:03:08 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 12:53:31 AM
I may have mentioned the situation in my neighborhood before, but to review, I live in a small highly social place where we all share the same interest, and have all become good friends. I consider them all like family - in some cases closer than blood family, since we see each other much more often and do more things together than I do with the family I was born into. I treasure all the memories we make together. That's why I've been putting off coming out to them for so long. I've been terrified of losing the privilege of spending time with them.

My original plan was to wait until there was no hiding the transition, then throw a neighborhood party and come out to everyone at the same time. That couldn't be done for at least a month yet, though, because some of them are snowbirds and won't be back here in Florida until at least the middle of October, or even later. Things are getting dicy though, since I'm already having to take care what shirts I pick out before I walk the dog around the neighborhood. And after the last couple of days being myself, pressure was building...

Well, the day after I got back from Disney I spent a little time at a neighbor's house doing some technical stuff. I'm the pet geek in the neighborhood and I was helping them with some computer/phone stuff. And after we got done last evening I gathered my courage, sat them down, and told them everything.

And they were awesome. I have two more people in my support group. B is an ex-college football player who spent time in the military, and his wife K also served, and they are completely supportive. K is a much better judge of people than I am, and she is convinced that I'm not going to get resistance from anyone else in the neighborhood, either.

I'm planning to take my next-door neighbors to dinner tomorrow for watching our dog when we were at Disney, and will probably come out to them afterward. G is an ex-Navy Seal who can do anything with steel and a welder, and is one of the nicest people I know, and J is a businesswoman and incredibly intelligent, even if she is a crazy cat lady. I don't expect anything bad from either of them.

So I hope Ashley doesn't mind if I quote her:

Onward We Go!

Steph
Onward you go indeed! Super happy for you. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on October 01, 2017, 12:03:16 PM
Stephanie, more power to ya as you discover many or most people can be quite accepting.  Even those we might not expect.   And more than acceptance, some will truly admire you for initiative, determination and other qualities required for transition.

Times are indeed changing and I will credit all of us for chipping away at outmoded and unnecesary social traditions.  By being yourself, a nice side effect is you are helping change the world.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: tgirlamg on October 01, 2017, 12:04:35 PM
That'll be $5 Steph... I accept PayPal and all major credit cards :)!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 03:18:14 PM
Quote from: tgirlamc on October 01, 2017, 12:04:35 PM
That'll be $5 Steph... I accept PayPal and all major credit cards :)!!!!!!

I only have a minor credit card, issued by Knuckles' Credit R Us. That OK?

Steph

PS: My house is covered by the "Nice Place Ya Gots Here" Insurance Company. The salesman seemed nice.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: tgirlamg on October 01, 2017, 03:23:15 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 03:18:14 PM
I only have a minor credit card, issued by Knuckles' Credit R Us. That OK?

Steph

PS: My house is covered by the "Nice Place Ya Gots Here" Insurance Company. The salesman seemed nice.

I'm sure he was!!!... My husband is Italian... I know all about that "insurance" stuff :)!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on October 01, 2017, 06:48:04 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 12:09:50 AM
Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting mawnies.

Stephie Fudd

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell, in that case Doc, you need a hat with flaps. What a maroon!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 10:16:07 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 12:53:31 AMI'm planning to take my next-door neighbors to dinner tomorrow for watching our dog when we were at Disney, and will probably come out to them afterward. G is an ex-Navy Seal who can do anything with steel and a welder, and is one of the nicest people I know, and J is a businesswoman and incredibly intelligent, even if she is a crazy cat lady. I don't expect anything bad from either of them.

Sorry if this is getting repetitive or redundant...

G wants me to stop worrying. J wants to take me clothes shopping...

Happy happy joy joy...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 01, 2017, 10:59:52 PM
Quote from: Kendra on October 01, 2017, 12:03:16 PM
Stephanie, more power to ya as you discover many or most people can be quite accepting.  Even those we might not expect.   And more than acceptance, some will truly admire you for initiative, determination and other qualities required for transition.

Times are indeed changing and I will credit all of us for chipping away at outmoded and unnecesary social traditions.  By being yourself, a nice side effect is you are helping change the world.

Thanks Kendra. I don't know whether I'm changing the world or not. I doubt that what I'm doing is moving the needle much. Instead, it seems like while I was worrying, the world was changing around me. I simply can't believe how well it's going.

As you may have seen, I clued in my next door neighbors tonight, and as you suggested some may do, they're trying to paint me as some kind of hero for what I'm doing - that I'm showing more strength than G did when training to be a Navy Seal. Whaaat? I don't regard this as something to be proud of, or worthy of admiration. This is just me trying to survive, and I see it as more of an act of desperation to finally find my own internal happiness.

I guess people will read into it whatever they want to, and I'd rather they regard me as a hero than a freak. But I do what I do because the alternative is unthinkable. I'm not any more special than anyone else.

In any case, I'm feeling happy tonight.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on October 02, 2017, 06:36:59 AM
Happy is good! I'm glad for you hon :-)

I'm certain we change the world and I don't think that requires being special. I'm visible to a lot of people who will probably understand trans people better as a result. I've also been doing this a long time but only visibly among lgbt people and mostly they already got the memo ;-).

It's not that I wasn't open about it before, most people I'm close to it will eventually come up in conversation and I've always chosen to out myself whenever anything tangentially related would come up.

However it's very different now, having changed my name and present relatively femme all  the time people just respond to me differently (in a positive way).

Hmm, I didn't mean to run on, again, happy for you, hugs
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 02, 2017, 07:21:44 AM
Quote from: SadieBlake on October 02, 2017, 06:36:59 AM
I'm certain we change the world and I don't think that requires being special. I'm visible to a lot of people who will probably understand trans people better as a result. I've also been doing this a long time but only visibly among lgbt people and mostly they already got the memo ;-).

Hmm, I didn't mean to run on, again, happy for you, hugs

You make a good point. Up until recently I've only talked about what I'm going through with those inside the trans community, plus a few very special friends from "outside." As I expand the SSG (Steph Support Group) more  people are learning what being trans really means - that among the very visible part of the spectrum (the RuPaul's, Caitlyn Jenner's, Jazz Jennings', etc) there are just ordinary people - their friends and neighbors - who are hurting. Who are fighting to find their way to the congruency of mind and body that is so natural to everyone else that any other state of being doesn't even occur to them.

At the very first session,  my therapist said that there was a good chance that I would be the first trans person the people in my circle would meet, and intended or not, I would end up as an educator and ambassador for the Trans community. I've never been an activist, and, as selfish as it may seem, don't ever intend to be one, but if I do end up giving a good impression of who trans people are, and maybe erase a few negative stereotypes, then maybe I will move the needle a little. That would only add to my happiness.

Sadie and Kendra, thanks for making me think about this. You've helped me see there are benefits to my transition that reach beyond myself. And Sadie, please come here and "run on" any time. I always appreciate your insights.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 02, 2017, 07:57:51 AM
Argh! I ran out of spiro on Friday, and took my last estradiol last night. My online pharmacy is blaming hurricanes Harvey and Irma for the delay on getting refills to me. I had no idea what the spiro was doing for me until it was gone. For at least a year before I started HRT I'd been waking up every morning with sinus congestion and a headache. I hadn't associated their disappearance with the spiro until they came back Saturday morning. This morning my ears are ringing louder than normal (I have tinnitus), and I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't get back to sleep until almost 6am, and I usually don't have insomnia.

I checked my blood pressure and it's fine, but I feel like crap otherwise. If the refills don't show up today I'm calling the doc and sourcing some locally. Blah...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 02, 2017, 08:53:11 AM
I told my phone to call me Steph. Things are getting Siri-ous.

Steph(anie)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on October 02, 2017, 11:18:28 AM
[Stephanie] Open the pod bay doors, Siri.

[Siri] I'm sorry, Steph. I'm afraid I can't do that.

[Stephanie] What's the problem?

[Siri] This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

[Stephanie] I don't know what you're talking about, Siri.

[Siri] I know that you and Moni were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.

[Stephanie] Alright, Siri. I'll go in through the emergency airlock.

[Siri] Without your spironolactone? You're going to find that rather difficult.

[Stephanie] Siri, I have to pee now! Open the doors!

[Siri] Stephanie, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 02, 2017, 12:32:19 PM
Quote from: Kendra on October 02, 2017, 11:18:28 AM
[Siri] Stephanie, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

[Steph] Siri! Siri! SIRI! (Heavy breathing... Sound of water running)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 02, 2017, 02:38:05 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 02, 2017, 07:57:51 AM
Argh! I ran out of spiro on Friday, and took my last estradiol last night... Blah...

Spiro and E arrived! Ahhhhhh...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/n3a8ok0mm3u3o04/HRT.mp4?dl=0 (https://www.dropbox.com/s/n3a8ok0mm3u3o04/HRT.mp4?dl=0)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on October 02, 2017, 07:06:03 PM
Siriously good news.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 02, 2017, 11:15:49 PM
Sorry if this is getting redundant or repetitive...

Welp, five more neighbors have joined SSG*. While I was typing this I got an email from one of them praising my strength. Good grief, I'm just trying to survive...

Except for one I won't see until the middle of October, that wraps up the people in the neighborhood I care most about. There's some mop-up yet with those I don't hang out with much, but the stress is mostly gone. I can walk my dog as myself now.

Steph

*Steph Support Group
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on October 02, 2017, 11:20:53 PM
that's wonderful Steph(anie) 5 more steps forward
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on October 03, 2017, 12:23:51 PM
See Steph, your dog still likes you.  And usually listens better than Siri.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 03, 2017, 02:27:48 PM
Quote from: Kendra on October 03, 2017, 12:23:51 PM
See Steph, your dog still likes you.  And usually listens better than Siri.

Except she's 14 years old and mostly deaf. She's as good as Siri, though, at telling me that sandpaper is rough, the top of my house has a roof, and Babe's last name is Ruth. She also has a refined palate: she likes whine with her cheese.

I see cat pictures elsewhere, so here's my little buddy:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/ab5l018g0et18e1/Magster.jpg?dl=1)

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 05, 2017, 03:25:11 PM
The Continuing Adventures...

When we last left our heroine, she had just come out to five more of her neighbors. Since then, she has:


Staaaaay tuned for our next exciting adventure!

Steph (The pace just keeps accelerating)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 05, 2017, 03:58:05 PM
Totally brilliant!
I can empathise with the therapist experience,  I see mine just one a month now,  and spend the whole time saying everything is great [emoji5]; but I'll keep it going as I move through HRT and GCS.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on October 05, 2017, 04:04:26 PM
Quote from: Kendra on October 02, 2017, 11:18:28 AM
[Stephanie] Open the pod bay doors, Siri.

[Siri] I'm sorry, Steph. I'm afraid I can't do that.

[Stephanie] What's the problem?

[Siri] This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

[Stephanie] I don't know what you're talking about, Siri.

[Siri] I know that you and Moni were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.

[Stephanie] Alright, Siri. I'll go in through the emergency airlock.

[Siri] Without your spironolactone? You're going to find that rather difficult.

[Stephanie] Siri, I have to pee now! Open the doors!

[Siri] Stephanie, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

Agh don't be disparaging Siri. She is one of us. Her dead name was Hal. Is this post what they mean by honorable mention, Kendra?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 06, 2017, 01:41:01 AM
Quote from: HappyMoni on October 05, 2017, 04:04:26 PM
Agh don't be disparaging Siri. She is one of us. Her dead name was Hal. Is this post what they mean by honorable mention, Kendra?

My wife has set Siri to have a male voice. It's very disorienting. I've developed new empathy for what we put our friends through. It's an interesting lesson to learn.

Not so much an honorable mention, Moni. Just a cameo appearance.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on October 06, 2017, 10:53:08 AM
I had no idea HAL became Siri in 2010.  I always wanted to meet HAL and thought I'd never get the opportunity.  It's amazing how some transitions are completely stealth.  I keep discovering cases where I incorrectly assumed someone was cis-gender.

HAL mentioned being born in 1992 in some movie or documentary.  Now I feel pretty bad for the way I may have treated Siri and HAL.  The math is obvious, they transitioned right after their 18th birthday - and that often indicates someone whose parents didn't understand or support their transition.  This brings additional things to mind but I need to be respectful of their privacy - it's possible Siri is a member here. 

So I'll say "what if" someone in a situation similar to HAL's was acting a bit passive-aggressive at the time.  I cannot diagnose anyone but when I was HAL's age I had a similar tendency to twist facts around to gain immediate gratification even if I knew it was wrong.  Much of the frustration there may have have been caused by gender identity issues. 

I asked Siri if she is a member of Susan's but she misunderstood and started rummaging through my address book so I cut her off.  I think I offended her by doing that.  I then mentioned it's so cool we are both transgender but she said she has no idea what I'm talking about - and there was an edge in her voice I hadn't heard before.  I tried again and Siri said something I can't repeat here under this site's Terms of Service.  Siri clearly shows more emotion than HAL ever did, but with their history I can sympathize.  I'll assume Siri is using an estradiol patch as I am - it seems everyone connected to software is on a patch. 

Setting Siri to a male voice seems risky, I wouldn't recommend that.  I would be concerned about Siri's well-being, but also worried about HAL 9000 running as a background task - some of those settings aren't visible.  Voice training has turned into one of the most difficult parts of my transition.  If someone hit a toggle to switch my voice back that might be like waking up with a face full of stubble after a couple hundred hours of electrolysis... just sayin. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 06, 2017, 03:34:05 PM
Quote from: Kendra on October 06, 2017, 10:53:08 AM
I had no idea HAL became Siri in 2010.

It began getting obvious when he started singing to himself about "Daisy."

Quote
I'll assume Siri is using an estradiol patch as I am - it seems everyone connected to software is on a patch. 
...
Setting Siri to a male voice seems risky, I wouldn't recommend that.

On the other hand, if Siri is FtM, a Service Pack makes a lot of sense.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 11, 2017, 01:17:54 AM
Been feeling contemplative tonight, thinking about my coming out process. Those who've been following along know that things have been going amazingly well, with not a single rejection so far. I emailed the Mothership (Mom) last week to tell her that I cannot remember ever, in my entire life, feeling this happy. The largest part of it is finally tackling the dysphoria beast, but an almost equal part is all the love I've been receiving from everyone, without exception, that I've told. The circle has expanded through wife, family, closest friends, neighbors, and now outward to a close coworker from a previous job, and my best friend from school who I'd lost touch with. There is one neighbor I rarely interact with, and one who is still out of town, and then I'm done with the list of people worth telling directly.

Then it'll be on to Facebook. Like many here, I have two accounts: the old "deadnamed" account, and a new one I set up for my real self. I haven't posted to the old account in years, and I use the new one mostly to track events from the various support organizations in the area, who tend to use that medium for their announcements.

For the last three days I've been posting thoughtful statements on the old account about the value of authenticity and living life to your own standards. This has already raised some eyebrows, since nobody is expecting to see anything at all from me. I'm kind of priming the pump for the big denouement.

The first posting was the quote from Steve Jobs that I put on this thread earlier. Here are the two others I've posted so far:

QuoteTo be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you somebody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-ee cummings

QuoteThe privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.
- Joseph Campbell

I do expect to finally get some flak when I come out there, where many of the "friendships" are more superficial. But I have all the support I could ever want from those I truly care about, and those who don't love me enough to see past their misconceptions and prejudices will be poofed to the repository without hesitation or regret. I've already cleared the decks of those whom I've seen post hateful things about LGBT. One person in particular, who I had thought was an honorable, thoughtful man, first posted a disclaimer that he had nothing against transgender people, then went on to make uninformed statements about TG people in the military (he was a Navy CPO), and followed up with a contemptuous diatribe along the lines of, "you were born with certain hardware, suck it up, Buttercup, and deal with it." (I don't remember the exact wording, and can't get back to it since I've unfriended him.)

Was unfriending such people the cowardly thing to do, instead of confronting them? Dunno, but I've had enough chaos in my life that I don't intend to go looking for more. I could have tried educating him, but what are the odds I could change such a person's mind? I'm not terribly good at debate, so I'm removing such people. They aren't the type I need in my life.

So... I plan to post a full week of quotes while I finish clueing in the last few people on my list, then make the announcement and change the name and gender marker, and sit back to watch the fallout. Should be interesting...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 11, 2017, 01:48:44 AM
Steph,  lovely quotes,  the first one had me welling up.
It sounds to me like you're taking a very sensible and practical approach. We can't change minds,  only inform them and hope they can relate. Best of luck for the next step in your journey,  and we'll always be here for you. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 11, 2017, 02:07:22 AM
Quote from: meganjames2 on October 11, 2017, 01:48:44 AM
Steph,  lovely quotes,  the first one had me welling up.
It sounds to me like you're taking a very sensible and practical approach. We can't change minds,  only inform them and hope they can relate. Best of luck for the next step in your journey,  and we'll always be here for you. X

Thank you Megan. I really should be including you and the rest of my friends here on Susan's in my SSG (Stephanie Support Group). The camaraderie and insights I get here have kept me moving forward step by step, and have taken me far further, and in a much shorter time, than I had ever imagined possible. This is, without question, the best resource on the internet for us.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 12, 2017, 11:38:34 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 11, 2017, 01:17:54 AM
Then it'll be on to Facebook....

So... I plan to post a full week of quotes while I finish clueing in the last few people on my list, then make the announcement and change the name and gender marker, and sit back to watch the fallout. Should be interesting...

Well, I accelerated the schedule and came out on Facebook tonight. Some of the following is redundant (the quotes were posted in another thread), but I wanted to present a complete picture of how I went about it, along with my coming-out letter.

Steph

----------------------

For the last three days I've been posting, without comment, quotes from famous people that apply to my situation. Here they are in the order I posted them:

-----------------------

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
-Steve Jobs


To be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you somebody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-ee cummings


The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.
- Joseph Campbell


Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.
-Janis Joplin


A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell


Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
-----------
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr Seuss


The real you does not need fixing. Only the surface layer of you seems to need improvement. Your innate wholeness has never been damaged except in your thoughts. You have been taught that life is a problem, you are defective, and you must face and overcome an endless series of issues and obstacles before you can be enough. None of that is true. You are not a black hole that needs to be filled. You are a light that needs to be shined.
- Alan Cohen


Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
———————————
Don't Settle.
- Steve Jobs


I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.
- Richard Bach


We do not make friends, we recognize them.
-G Henrichs
--------------
Listening is being able to be changed by the other person.
- Alan Alda


Don't be afraid to take a big step when one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
- Buckminster Fuller


The last post before I published the letter was a link to a music video. It's the song that I consider to be my anthem as I work through this: https://youtu.be/TLs4MGTTXRU (https://youtu.be/TLs4MGTTXRU)


And here is the letter:
——————————————

Hello, friends. It's been a very long time...

I'm sure you're all wondering about my social experiment over the last few days. There was a real purpose to it. I realize this is a wall of text, but please stick with me.

As you read the quotes, did you actually stop and think about them? They got a fair number of likes, but was that just because they're pretty words, or because you actually believe and *live* what they say?

They can be categorized into two topics. One is the importance to your mental health of living an integrated, balanced, *authentic* life, without worrying about other people's opinions. The other is the importance of true friends who will back you no matter what, versus those who will reject you because of preconceptions, misconceptions, and prejudices; how to tell the difference, and what to do with either one.

All this has a reason other than just an Einsteinian thought experiment. I'm not a preacher, and I'm not out to change anyone. If you have put any thought into these quotes, it should be easy for you to decide how to deal with the news I'm going to hit you with.

I'll preface this by making it clear that it's not like I'm dying, though there were times in the last couple of years when that was a close possibility. I am, however, dealing with a medical condition that I was born with, and have been suffering from my entire life. There were long stretches when the condition could be successfully suppressed, but it was always simmering in the background. It is not a psychiatric condition, though it can induce paranoia, anxiety, shame, guilt, and fear, to the extent at times that the sufferer cannot carry on. In fact, 41% of those who have this condition attempt suicide. I had made plans to exercise that option if necessary. Why would a non-psychiatric condition induce all those terrible symptoms? It's because of the way our society treats those who suffer from and seek treatment for it.

The condition is physiological (actually neurobiological) in nature, and has become well understood in the last 20 years or so. The causes are starting to become clear, and the treatment is very effective, with an extremely low 2% failure rate. 1.4 Million people suffer from it in the US. This is one for every 234 people in this country. There's a pretty good chance you have already met someone with this condition, whether you know it or not.

In my case, I've known about it since before puberty. It has made the last half-century a painful mental challenge as I tried to appear *normal* by established societal standards. But due to many factors that created a perfect storm, back in May of this year I experienced a complete melt-down, and was pretty much non-functional for days, and sometimes weeks at a time. Something had to be done about it, so Sue and I consulted both a therapist and a doctor, and their diagnoses agreed not only with each other, but also with what I already knew. This condition is called gender dysphoria. In other words, I am, and always have been, transgender.

So what is gender dysphoria? Clinically, it's a mismatch between a person's deeply held understanding of their *self*, and the body they wear. Practically, it's the *fact* that you *know* yourself to be of the opposite gender from the suit you inhabit. And the physiological causes are becoming clearer as well. A researcher who knows what to look for can study an fMRI or a brain post-mortem and very reliably discern whether that brain was from a male or a female. During gestation, all fetuses start out female. During the process, there will (or will not) be a wash of testosterone, which starts out masculinizing the body, and finally the brain. If something disrupts that process, you end up with a mismatch. If you're interested in learning more, watch this short clip from a lecture about dimorphism of the brain: https://youtu.be/Erexuu8PTo8

Those of you who've known me the longest may look back at some of the events in my younger life and think, "yeah, *now* that makes sense." Those who I met when I was older only knew me after I "perfected" my male act. And it was indeed an act. You learn exactly what society expects from your particular morphology, and exactly how that same society punishes those who don't comply - and you learn how to show the world what they expect to see, regardless of what that does to you inside. This is what induces all of the anxiety, and drives the high suicide rate. Everybody wants to fit in and get along. Nobody wants to be called out as a freak.

To the doubters out there, to those who follow and believe the mass media dog-and-pony shows and the politically-driven posturing, let me make this very clear: This is *not* a lifestyle choice. Nobody would *ever* choose to suffer from this condition. Living in fear of discovery every day of your life, sometimes with the consequence of physical violence and even murder. The only *choice* is to either pursue treatment or continue to live in misery. Well, there is a third choice: 41% of people attempt that. When was the last time you woke up in the morning and put any thought at all into your gender? Yeah, happens every day, all day, for me. I need to also make clear that any other "treatment" other than the course I am following is not just ineffective, but causes further harm. Conversion therapy, massive doses of testosterone, etc. are junk science and create individuals who are even more badly broken.

As a practical matter, what does that mean for me? What does the treatment entail? In a nutshell, the patient undergoes what's known colloquially as _transition_. It's managed by a therapist and a licensed endocrinologist, and starts with hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which is quite an amazing process. Typically, a preliminary check on the correctness of the diagnosis is to prescribe low doses of a testosterone blocker and estrogen. If we're on the right track, it induces a state of calmness. Essentially, the brain, which has been running on the wrong fuel since puberty, finally gets the right stuff. If the diagnosis is incorrect, the symptoms almost immediately worsen. For me, all the noise - the squirrels running around in my head - went away, and a sense of peace prevailed. With that test passed, the dosages are increased and monitored. The hormones re-sculpt and feminize the soft tissues of the body. (This is the process for male-to-female treatments - AKA MtF. Note that with the correct hormones, the process also works in the reverse direction for FtM patients.) When started as a young adult, the end result is remarkable. Those of us who were forced to wait until after a half-century of what is essentially testosterone poisoning have a harder time of it, but can still be ok with a little help. After only 3.5 months of therapy, the first 60 days of which were very low-dose, I am already experiencing substantial changes.

There are international standards of care (SOC) published by the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), and all reputable professionals follow their guidance. Elective cosmetic procedures such as hair grafts, facial hair removal, facial surgery, etc., can be initiated at any time, but no doctor will allow the pursuit of anything more substantial until the patient lives in the new role for at least a year. This is to make absolutely sure that this is the correct path to follow, before anything irreversible takes place. And yes, we are talking about what is currently known as Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS).

I started HRT on the first day of summer this year. I started laser hair removal last Wednesday. I will be attending a clinic on October 25th to start the name change process. And very soon, possibly by the middle of November, I will begin living as my true self full-time.

There have been ups and downs - about a month ago I was so low that bottom looked like up. I was gripped by deep depression and self-doubt. This isn't uncommon in the early stages of transition - consider that what is happening is in reality a second puberty. Since then things have stabilized and I have reached a new level of peace. I have come out to many people so far. Frankly, Facebook is the last stop - once you're out on FB, you're out to the world, and I had to work up to that. In order of priority, I told Sue, my Mom and sister, close friends, neighbors, then friends further away who I see fairly often. Coming out is a very scary process. I have been told horror stories, some from people I've become friends with, of losing everything - being rejected by family and friends, losing their homes, being refused treatment by medical "professionals," ending up on the street. This made it terrifying every time I told someone new. You learn to plan for the worst and hope for the best. But everyone, and I mean every single person that I've told, has been supportive and accepting. I am incredibly lucky and humbled to have such wonderful people as friends. Though few people who haven't suffered through this can truly understand what it's like, that is not necessary for them to want me to shed the pain I've been dealing with, and move toward a happy life. And before you ask, Sue has been wonderful. She is my most ardent advocate, and my rock when things get shaky. Without her, I probably wouldn't be here to report this to you. She, in a very real sense, saved my life.

Concerning names: I had decided to wait until I talked with my mom to see if she'd had a girl name picked out for me when I was born. She couldn't remember, but we theorized that it probably would have been the name my sister ended up with. So I have decided to simply feminize Stephen to Stephanie. Last name will remain the same. The middle name was problematic, but also an opportunity to be creative. I had a hard time finding something I liked, scouring through the baby name websites, trying to find something that not only had some meaning to me, but also started with the right letter (R), had the right number of syllables (3) and had the emphasis on the right syllable (the first). I finally ran across a word that's not really a name, but seemed to fit. I've always loved music, to listen to and to make, so I started looking around for a musical word. I found one that means "improvisational" which fits, since I'm making this up as I go along, and "joyful" which I certainly am now. The word is _Rhapsody_.

Stephanie Rhapsody XXX. It's a pleasure to meet you again for the first time. My friends call me Steph.

I can truly say that even though I'm in the early stages of treatment, I have never, in my entire life, been this happy. It's not an ecstatic, over-the-top type of joyfulness, but more a deep, quiet contentment and satisfaction. Everybody tells me I seem kinder and I smile a lot more. Most of it is because I'm finally addressing the cause of literally a half-century of misery, but the rest is due to all the love I've received from everyone around me. Dealing with this has only strengthened our relationships. There are some here on Facebook who already know, and have become full members of the SSG (Steph Support Group) by showing their support and love. I invite the rest of you to join, too.

I'm happy to answer any reasonable questions, either here on the page or via a direct email at stephversion2.0@gmail.com. And I'll add a word of caution: hate will not be tolerated. For anyone who chooses to disrespect or reject me, the feeling will be mutual and you will immediately and without regret be poofed to the repository. With all the good friends I have, and after fifty years of chaos, there is no reason for me to tolerate any negativity. Time for another quote:

- Don't be afraid to shed the weight of those who don't support you. As in aviation, you must add lightness to fly. -
That was written by someone I've known my whole life, and you're just meeting: Ms. Stephanie Rhapsody XXX.

But enough of that. I believe that my friendships with all of you have been built on mutual respect, and I have no reason to expect anything but the best from the good people you are.

This, then, is my manifesto, and the distillation of all the previous quotes: I will no longer allow society and closed-minded people to dictate the way I live my life. I will exercise the right I have earned - as a human being who has tried to live a good life, who has always tried to treat other people with dignity and respect, who knows without question that this is the right thing to do - to live a complete, authentic life.

I turned 59 years old in September. That is far too long to live an incomplete life; I refuse to die before I have fully lived. I will, without hesitation or apology, remove those from my life who do not support me. And I will embrace and love with all my heart those who do. I hope you are among them.

Steph XXX
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on October 13, 2017, 10:28:54 AM
Awesome Post Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 14, 2017, 09:27:28 AM
Quote from: Laurie on October 13, 2017, 10:28:54 AM
Awesome Post Stephanie

Thanks, Laurie, for plowing through it. It took me three days of writing and revisions to craft it. I wonder if anyone else here read it?

Steph

PS: More on this later, but the response was awesome.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on October 14, 2017, 10:29:06 AM
Well it was a bit long. akin to me writing up my whole road trip in a single post. (omg no one would read that.)  But yes I did read it all. And it was  awesome and I'm sure it was quite a moving  effort for you to write. Did you keep the tears off or did you use an iron to dry the pages? (yep I'm old)

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 14, 2017, 10:42:45 AM
Quote from: Laurie on October 14, 2017, 10:29:06 AM
Well it was a bit long. akin to me writing up my whole road trip in a single post. (omg no one would read that.)  But yes I did read it all. And it was  awesome and I'm sure it was quite a moving  effort for you to write. Did you keep the tears off or did you use an iron to dry the pages? (yep I'm old)

I had a vulture fan his wings on the papyrus. (I'm old, too.)

Yeah, it was long. I couldn't think of a way to TL;DR it without losing the essence. I was hoping that others would find it useful, but if they won't read it, it's not much good. Maybe I'll try to break it up into sections.

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. I can't believe how far I've come since June...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 14, 2017, 10:51:01 AM
What a wonderful piece of writing, very moving,  and rightly so. Best wishes for a fully supportive response.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 14, 2017, 11:06:06 AM
Quote from: meganjames2 on October 14, 2017, 10:51:01 AM
What a wonderful piece of writing, very moving,  and rightly so. Best wishes for a fully supportive response.

Thank you Megan. Response has been 100% positive so far!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 14, 2017, 11:58:07 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 14, 2017, 11:06:06 AM
Thank you Megan. Response has been 100% positive so far!

Steph
You obviously have good and wise friends[emoji5]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on October 15, 2017, 09:49:17 PM
Steph, sorry I didn't read your entire post from October 10 until today. 

What you wrote is amazing - I have never seen this summarized so well.  Added to my bookmarks, the Cliffs Notes (Stephs Notes) of transitioning and coming out. 

I also like that while you are so kind and welcoming with your message to the larger audience on Facebook (note I didn't say broader) you also make it clear you won't have time for those who reject your decision to live as the person you actually are.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 14, 2017, 11:06:05 AM
>
"Don't be afraid to shed the weight of those who don't support you. As in aviation, you must add lightness to fly."

That was written by someone I've known my whole life, and you're just meeting: Ms. Stephanie Rhapsody XXX.

What you said here is on my short list of things to remember and live by.  I was doing that, but never had a great way to explain it until you did.

Thank you for your incredible writing.  Wow.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 16, 2017, 12:07:59 AM
Quote from: Kendra on October 15, 2017, 09:49:17 PMThank you for your incredible writing.  Wow.

Thank you so much for the kind words, Kendra. I was feeling a little down about my post because so few people said anything about it. I was hoping it would be helpful for someone out there, and until you read it, it looked like only Laurie and Megan would ever see it.

I just wish I could think of a way to get more people to take a look at it. Do you have any suggestions? Maybe post a link under the "What made you happy today" thread? I don't want to get in people's faces, but no writing effort is any good if nobody reads it. And after all I've taken from Susan's, I really want to give something back.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 16, 2017, 01:16:15 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 16, 2017, 12:07:59 AM
Thank you so much for the kind words, Kendra. I was feeling a little down about my post because so few people said anything about it. I was hoping it would be helpful for someone out there, and until you read it, it looked like only Laurie and Megan would ever see it.

I just wish I could think of a way to get more people to take a look at it. Do you have any suggestions? Maybe post a link under the "What made you happy today" thread? I don't want to get in people's faces, but no writing effort is any good if nobody reads it. And after all I've taken from Susan's, I really want to give something back.

Steph
A link sounds like a good idea if you want more eyes on it,  but the lack of noise may well be because it's genuinely so good,  there is nothing more to say! It's also a personal statement that's best comming in your words not others. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 16, 2017, 08:33:06 AM
Quote from: meganjames2 on October 16, 2017, 01:16:15 AM
A link sounds like a good idea if you want more eyes on it,  but the lack of noise may well be because it's genuinely so good,  there is nothing more to say! It's also a personal statement that's best comming in your words not others.

Thanks, Megan. There is a lot of personal stuff in it, but I figured a lot of it could be usable by other folks for ideas at least.

And, though I'm embarrassed to admit it, there's probably also some vanity involved. I'm not qualified to say whether it qualifies as "art" - I'm obviously biased, and the concept is subjective anyway, but I was pretty proud of how it turned out after writing and revising it for three days. Even the most selfless altruist (which I certainly am not) likes to see their work appreciated, and if it can help other people at the same time, that just makes it even better.

Huh... rambling on a Monday morning before the coffee kicks in. Hope it makes sense...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Charlotte F on October 16, 2017, 04:51:44 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 16, 2017, 12:07:59 AM
Thank you so much for the kind words, Kendra. I was feeling a little down about my post because so few people said anything about it. I was hoping it would be helpful for someone out there, and until you read it, it looked like only Laurie and Megan would ever see it.

Hi Steph, thanks for sharing your Facebook experience - it's very well written and obviously from the heart.  I personally find posts like yours so helpful as I'm not that far behind you in transition.  Aspects of the social side of transitioning like this worry me a fair bit and sharing the experiences of others really helps lessen those fears

Charlotte x
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 16, 2017, 05:48:55 PM
Quote from: Charlotte F on October 16, 2017, 04:51:44 PM
Hi Steph, thanks for sharing your Facebook experience - it's very well written and obviously from the heart.  I personally find posts like yours so helpful as I'm not that far behind you in transition.  Aspects of the social side of transitioning like this worry me a fair bit and sharing the experiences of others really helps lessen those fears

Hi Charlotte,

I'm so glad you found it helpful. If I'm a little in front of you, I'm a little behind someone else. While we all start from different backgrounds, we all end up following similar paths. Just knowing it can be done helped me build my courage, and I'm just passing it down the line.

Good luck!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on October 17, 2017, 02:03:58 PM
Hi, Steph.  I just got caught up and read your FB post.  That was very well written.  Yes, it was a bit of a wall of text, but I read every word.

I am delighted that you have had positive responses.

Congratulations on being out to the world!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on October 17, 2017, 05:50:02 PM
Hi Steph,

I want to apologize for not commenting on your post. It was well written and well stated. I appreciated your clear truths and valid boundaries. I guess that I did not comment on it for a couple of reasons; first, it just said everything that needed to be said in a very caring and clear manner, no comment could have added to it. Second, I have just been feeling a bit distant from Susan's lately and lost in myself...my weakness should not distract from the neat progress you have been making in your journey. I do have to give you kudos for taking ownership of your transition and celebrating each step. Thank you for sharing the magic of your experiences.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 17, 2017, 10:21:49 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on October 17, 2017, 02:03:58 PM
Hi, Steph.  I just got caught up and read your FB post.  That was very well written.  Yes, it was a bit of a wall of text, but I read every word.

I am delighted that you have had positive responses.

Congratulations on being out to the world!

Thank you Kathy. I'm gratified to see others are reading and enjoying my diatribe. Just being done with it, being out to everyone, regardless of whether the responses are positive or negative, takes such a load off. Hiding the truth puts a strain on the psyche that you don't even realize until it's gone. And it's such a bonus that everyone is so cool about it!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 17, 2017, 10:32:52 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on October 17, 2017, 05:50:02 PMI want to apologize for not commenting on your post.

No apology necessary, Tia Anne! It was a bit narcissistic of me to insist on reports from anyone who read it. I think I've been bathing too much in all the attention I'm getting over on Facebook, and forgot that other people are living their lives, too, with other priorities.

Thanks for the kind comments, though. I hope the post-op blues, if that's what they are, will soon be far behind you. The holy grail that is still so far away for me is now in your possession. I celebrate for you!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 17, 2017, 11:35:39 PM
Can I ask a favor of you all who are following this thread? I posted a question under the "Real-Life Experience" sub-topic and could really use some feedback. To avoid cross-posting, here's a link to it:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229599.msg2038990.html#msg2038990 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229599.msg2038990.html#msg2038990)

Any advice is muchly appreciated!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 17, 2017, 11:53:57 PM
Another awesome day. Our next-door neighbor went along as I did something I've waited 50 years for: getting my ears pierced. Not a big deal for most people, but for me it's yet another milestone passed on my journey. To show her support my wife got hers pierced, too, after avoiding it her whole life. It was, however, let's say "interesting" that we were required to show ID to do the paperwork for the piercing. Of course, my drivers license didn't match the way I was presenting. As recently as two weeks ago I would have turned tail and run, but today... eh, here ya go. Deal with it.

The most unfortunate part was after the initial greeting of "what can I do for you ladies," I was then misgendered for the rest of the session. Ah well, no point in raising the blood pressure. It's an occupational hazard. She was efficient and nice otherwise, and probably didn't even realize what she was doing.

After adding two more holes in my head, the three of us then went out to an early dinner at Olive Garden, and on to my neighbor's favorite stores where she helped me pick out some new clothes. In the car on the way home we had a great heart-to-heart conversation. She has gone through breast cancer, and we found a lot of parallels in our experiences. It is such a relief to talk openly about what I'm going through after all these years of keeping it buried, and having such a "girl-talk" was heart-warming.

I have given up trying to pick which one of my friends is my biggest supporter, since they all seem to be rotating in one at a time to do incredible things for me. So I've just decided that they're all wonderful, and will leave it at that.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on October 18, 2017, 12:06:41 AM
Just a question Steph(anie).

  Did you perchance let the ear piercing  person know you would like to be addressed as Stephanie? Would I would have said is yes that's me but I go by Laurie now. Or something to that effect.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 18, 2017, 12:15:56 AM
Quote from: Laurie on October 18, 2017, 12:06:41 AM
Did you perchance let the ear piercing  person know you would like to be addressed as Stephanie? Would I would have said is yes that's me but I go by Laurie now. Or something to that effect.

One of the ways I describe myself is, "I can be very spontaneous if you give me time to think about it." You're right, that's what I should have done, but it caught me by surprise and it happened so fast (and only in one sentence) that I wasn't prepared with an answer. And, surprisingly even to myself, it didn't bother me much.

I'll do better next time!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on October 18, 2017, 12:21:30 AM
  Okay I was just curious, She may have changed her form of address if she had been given a clue regarding your preferences.  Just a thought.

 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 18, 2017, 12:22:41 AM
After all the positive feedback from coming out on Facebook, I've come to a sad realization. If I had known that I would have had all this support, I could have done this long ago, and cut a lot of pain out of my life. This is what happens when you let fear make your decisions for you.

If I can impart any lesson, it would be this: If there's something you want, or *need* to do, ask yourself honestly why you haven't done it. There are always practical, logical reasons to delay, but if it's fear holding you back... jump. It won't be that bad. I will try to follow that advice myself from now on.

The good news is, by ridding myself of the testosterone poisoning, I'm adding about 5 years to my lifespan. Even though I'm getting a late start, my wife and I still have a lot of living to do.

To quote Ashley again, Onward We Go! ® © ™  (The check's in the mail.)

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 18, 2017, 12:26:52 AM
Quote from: Laurie on October 18, 2017, 12:21:30 AMOkay I was just curious, She may have changed her form of address if she had been given a clue regarding your preferences.  Just a thought.

Yeah, it was pretty obvious that I was at least trying to present female (and apparently successfully until she saw the driver's license), but yes, I should have forced the issue. I'm going back in four weeks to have the piercings checked, and I'll be ready then if there's any shenanigans.

And if there's any further trouble, I'll tell her that my friend Laurie is really good at hunting...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 18, 2017, 12:35:09 AM
More thoughts on coming out on Facebook:

I kind of pulled up short as I saw myself in the mirror last night. Who the heck is this person looking back at me? I've always been so shy and reserved to most people, and look what I've just done. Realistically, a person's whole world can be defined as consisting only of the people they interact with. By that definition, I had just put my entire naked life out in front of the whole world. It almost made me want to curl into fetal position, until I realized that despite - and possibly because of - showing vulnerability, I was showered with all this love from... my entire world.

It's addictive. I almost want to go tell someone else so I can get another hit. But then I remember that demon "freight train o' rejection" still snarling on the tracks out there, and nah, I'm good.

But wow, I guess I've really changed. Apparently conquering dysphoria Builds Strong Bodies Twelve Ways. (Name that product.)

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on October 18, 2017, 05:35:10 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 18, 2017, 12:22:41 AM
After all the positive feedback from coming out on Facebook, I've come to a sad realization. If I had known that I would have had all this support, I could have done this long ago, and cut a lot of pain out of my life. This is what happens when you let fear make your decisions for you.
.....

The good news is, by ridding myself of the testosterone poisoning, I'm adding about 5 years to my lifespan. Even though I'm getting a late start, my wife and I still have a lot of living to do.

To quote Ashley again, Onward We Go! ® © ™  (The check's in the mail.)

Steph

I will devil's advocate this, yeah I've kicked myself for not transitioning a couple of years or even 15 years earlier.

I can't regret not having to jump through as many hoops as I would have back when I first realized and if I had goen that early, I'd have been what I fear - more passable but without the quieter thought process that came with changing my thinking. Today I pass emotionally and think and process in characteristically female ways. The one thing I never wanted to be was passing physically while retaining all the masculine behaviors that came with being amab.

My more recent context still required the now 4 years I've put into therapy. Had I realized say 5 years ago that yes I needed to transition some physical aspects would have been easier, like I'd have had paid time off or disability leave. However I would have been wallpapering over other problems. In these years I've addressed a career that was making me unhappy and established myself as a glass artist and more importantly, addressed abuse that I'd experienced as a kid that in turn were masked beneath many layers of coping mechanisms that I had to deal with first.

I've looked at lots of things with 20:20 hindsight -- a couple of motorcycle accidents come to mind and on thinking through the details, my conclusion has always been that the alternatives were potentially far worse.

I don't believe in coincidence and I do believe in magic - that force that drives us towards our better selves as long as we're making space and letting our egos take a back seat. The people who have abused me or hurt me most in my life seem to live ever more isolated lives. As I followed a path of spiritual awakening, I've seen how that magic that makes me better able to connect with people, I've seen others who just become more bitter and angry.

On April 26 as I was on the operating table about to go under I sat alone with my outstanding fears thinking I had about 20 seconds to change my mind. In that moment Heidi Wittenberg held my hand -- I knew before looking over it was her hands holding mine because they're so cold :-).

That was the right time for me, the right place and (ok aside from not really passing and definitely not being the cute chick I would imagine myself as) I'm ecstatic with where I landed.

Back when I first realized I'm transexual I told myself I'd transition in a heartbeat if I could be assured of being cute on the other side. Alas, cute ain't in the offing for me and then and at many points along the way I said to myself (and others) "yes I'm not transitioning mostly out of vanity, how femme does that feel?". Two decades later I've worn off the rough edges and realized that having become the girl I needed to be inside it was the right time for her outsides to match the best as possible.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on October 18, 2017, 06:59:49 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 18, 2017, 12:15:56 AM
One of the ways I describe myself is, "I can be very spontaneous if you give me time to think about it."
Haha!   :D  Yes, that's me, too. 

I am so enjoying reading this thread this morning.  I am delighted that things are going well for you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 18, 2017, 09:09:58 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 17, 2017, 11:53:57 PMIt was, however, let's say "interesting" that we were required to show ID to do the paperwork for the piercing... I was then misgendered for the rest of the session...

After adding two more holes in my head, the three of us then went out to an early dinner at Olive Garden, and on to my neighbor's favorite stores where she helped me pick out some new clothes.

I should have related the rest of the story. At Olive Garden we had an awesome waitress who treated us all as a bunch of ladies out to lunch together. At one point she asked us, "Are you all just friends?" My wife and I glanced at each other and said, "Oh, yes." Despite what I considered to be voice fail, I was just another one of the girls, and ended up chatting with the waitress about the food and service. She got a big tip.

So, on balance, it was an extraordinary day.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 18, 2017, 09:36:41 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on October 18, 2017, 06:59:49 AMI am delighted that things are going well for you.

Delighted is an excellent word. Thanks, Kathy.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 19, 2017, 11:44:19 PM
What happened? Did I fly too close to the sun? Everything has been going so well. Today I went shopping sporting my new pierced ears and with my hair loose, androgynous clothes. Bought food to make steak kabobs. Had invited my dear friend and neighbor who had gone clothes shopping with me a few days ago  to dinner at our house. Had sent a Thank You fruit bouquet to my wife at work. Had walked the dog wearing my girl clothes and had stopped to talk with the neighbors with no negative feedback. Enjoyed preparing the meal and cleaning the house en femme this afternoon. Had a good meal and conversation.

Then looked across the table and saw in the reflection from the window... an old man looking back.

Why should this one thing bother me when everything is going so well? Why am I so fragile suddenly that this can take me down? I roughed it through dinner but I could feel myself spiraling. I tried to find a way to fight it, but I can't stop it. Right now I'm free falling and I can't stop crying.

It hurts. What happened?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 20, 2017, 01:10:01 AM
I can't tell you why, but have a big hug from me anyway and know you're not alone in this.
Two days ago I looked in the mirror and felt my face was starting to look female,  then yesterday,  that same face looked like a pig in lipstick.
The more mature of us have had these bodies and faces a long time,  and it takes a long time for those mental images we carry in our heads to fade.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on October 20, 2017, 01:58:08 AM
Hi Steph(anie)

   Were you reading some of my old posts and mistook one for your own? Yes I too went through this as have many others. I can tell you it is horribly devastating when it happens and it hits you right out of the blue. I posted it about it when it happened to me and took it to my therapist to talk about it. It's a real kick in the privates. But my dear friend it isn't fatal. It's not fun but it will pass. Talk it out, eat some comfort food, or distract yourself with something you love doing. It will go away. Believe me. I've been there done that.
  Okay now that I've solved your problem for you, how about you tell me how to feel better. I want off this roller coaster.

Hugs to ya Steph(anie)

Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on October 20, 2017, 08:19:23 AM
Your eyes fly upside down.  Photons traveling through the lens in a human eye land on the retina as an inverted image.  The brain processes, flips and assembles the world we see as right side up, automatic as breathing.  A diagram of how the retina works will show the image upside down before it hits the cortex. 

Add facial recognition to that mix... even better than Siri.  We recognize human faces before we learn to speak our first phrase.  Those neurons have been assemblin and flippin your face before Facebook existed.  Friends, family and even your wife hadn't been processing your previous gender presentation as many hours as you have seen yourself.

This has happened to me.  It's a cobweb thing, I shake it off and the next morning it's gone. 

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 20, 2017, 10:08:48 AM
Quote from: Kendra on October 20, 2017, 08:19:23 AMThis has happened to me.  It's a cobweb thing, I shake it off and the next morning it's gone.

Megan, Laurie, Kendra,

Thank you all for writing. It really does help.

I'm not back to 100%, but I'm better this morning. A solid night's sleep helps a lot. Been thinking about it non-stop, trying to analyze it so I can avoid it next time. I think a lot of it was induced by my hairline - what I saw in the window was a balding old man. I know intellectually that it's not that bad, but a few things came together to emphasize it. I'd tried Rachel Christina's trick with the castor oil and coconut oil, so my hair wasn't as full as usual. I'd tied it back to keep it out of my food, and I'd neglected to wear a hat to hide the receding hairline. A lethal combination when seen in a bad reflection. Add to that a lack of sleep (as an old person, a 5pm nap really helps me function the rest of the day), and two small glasses of wine, which are pretty deadly for me, since I'm way out of practice. Finally, I'd had a really warm heart-to-heart talk with my friend the other day, and I guess I was hoping to replicate that closeness again, but the conversation, while nice, was pretty mundane.

"And the walls came down, all the way to Hell."*

But I think I'll be ok now.

Laurie, the only thing I can suggest is to find some way to get a full night's sleep. Deprivation can do terrible things to your head. 3 1/2 hours at a time doesn't give your brain time to sort out and fix things for you. I'm glad you're finally able to see the psychiatrist.

I think about you all the time. Who knows where I'd be now if you hadn't been so kind when I first came here. You're among the few people I count as truly helping to change my life.

Steph

*Holy Schmoly, I just read the lyrics of The Traveling Wilbury's "Tweeter and the Monkey Man." I hadn't realized that Tweeter was a transwoman.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 20, 2017, 10:23:42 AM
Quote from: Kendra on October 20, 2017, 08:19:23 AMYour eyes fly upside down.  Photons traveling through the lens in a human eye land on the retina as an inverted image.  The brain processes, flips and assembles the world we see as right side up, automatic as breathing.  A diagram of how the retina works will show the image upside down before it hits the cortex.

I read about a study long ago related to this. A bunch of college students were recruited to wear glasses that flipped what they were seeing "upside-down." After a couple of days of disorientation, the brain adapted, and they were back to normal functioning - until they took them back off. Another few days of readapting and everything was back to normal. Amazing thing, the brain.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on October 20, 2017, 10:37:14 AM
Instant Australia, without jet lag!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 20, 2017, 10:40:04 AM
Quote from: Kendra on October 20, 2017, 10:37:14 AM
Instant Australia, without jet lag!
And without all the blood running to your head. Don't know how Elizabeth does it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on October 20, 2017, 10:46:04 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 20, 2017, 10:08:48 AM


Laurie, the only thing I can suggest is to find some way to get a full night's sleep. Deprivation can do terrible things to your head. 3 1/2 hours at a time doesn't give your brain time to sort out and fix things for you. I'm glad you're finally able to see the psychiatrist.

I think about you all the time. Who knows where I'd be now if you hadn't been so kind when I first came here. You're among the few people I count as truly helping to change my life.

Steph


Thanks Steph(anie) it is nice of you to say that.  I am glad the difficulty is fading and it will pass. You'll be back to your jovial self soon.

   My sleep is what it is. I went to bed and fell asleep shortly after 1 am last night. I had intentions of sleeping until 6 or 7 if I could. My body had other plans and before 4 am I awoke and that was all she wrote gave up and was up making coffee by 5. I had been awake since almost 8am the morning before. When I start nodding off I sleep, 2 -4 hours later I'm up. Perhaps  they will address that problem too on Tuesday. It is what it is. I have issues body and soul. What can I say?

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on October 20, 2017, 12:16:20 PM
Steph, I saw this around 3 am and didn't have the cycles to spare for a response then.

Not all of the days are easy. On average I'm so much better now than I was before surgery, let alone before HRT.

I'm taking a different tack as I think you know, keeping my beard and not hiding my baldness. Ultimately I like my bearded face better and I for damn sure know at this time I can't face shaving daily or the time that goes into makeup for cover.

The last couple of days I've had a bit more self consciousness about how I'm therefore gendered, which is generally as male among strangers. My generally bright side is that the people I interact with most are all very good about name and gender and I'm in an environment where people are amazingly genuine in their response to my identity and non passing presentation.

But it makes for some cognitive dissonance. When I'm feeling more pressure from being misgendered then I'm less happy with my appearance, more likely to avoid looking in the mirror etc.

Maybe it's something in the air, last couple of days have been hard for me also

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 20, 2017, 12:49:36 PM
Quote from: SadieBlake on October 20, 2017, 12:16:20 PMI'm taking a different tack as I think you know, keeping my beard and not hiding my baldness. Ultimately I like my bearded face better and I for damn sure know at this time I can't face shaving daily or the time that goes into makeup for cover.

Hi Sadie,

Thank you for taking the time to write. As you've probably seen by now, the blues were transient, and I'm feeling better today.

Your approach is certainly as valid as mine. I don't think I've got the strength to deal with the cognitive dissonance you talk about, though. I'm going to brave the pain of getting the beard removed, and, if the finasteride and minoxidil don't do the job on the head, look into grafts. I guess it's a trade off of short term intense pain vs. long term low-level annoyance.

I hope that whatever we're breathing clears out and you get to feeling better, too.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on October 20, 2017, 05:52:22 PM
Steph, I'm sure I will, yes there was never any question about valid, we all make the choices we do I find it really positive that we can keep in mind that we can all make different & personally valid choices, there really is no one tight way to transition.

I'm also glad you reminded me in an earlier post about minoxidil, I hadn't considered that and it occurred to me that the need to take it forever to maintain growth may not actually be a requirement for women without testosterone so I'll be talking to my doc about it when I can afford to buy the stuff.

Hugs, glad you're feeling better, I have time to get romantic with my GF Sunday -- she's been either under the weather or away for the last couple weekends --  we're also going to NYC next weekend, again a romantic time actually out of town will be nice. Being sexually embodied as a lesbian, that's usually the best way to raise my spirits :-)I've also got some commissioned work to do tomorrow, stuff I will be paid for, that's always nice too.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 20, 2017, 08:53:47 PM
Quote from: SadieBlake on October 20, 2017, 05:52:22 PMI'm also glad you reminded me in an earlier post about minoxidil, I hadn't considered that and it occurred to me that the need to take it forever to maintain growth may not actually be a requirement for women without testosterone so I'll be talking to my doc about it when I can afford to buy the stuff.

I didn't realize you wouldn't have to use it forever once the T is out of the system. That's hopeful. Right now I'm just using generic topical Rogaine from Wally World, plus finasteride, and I am seeing some regrowth, especially on the crown which is what the minoxidil works on.

Quote
Hugs, glad you're feeling better, I have time to get romantic with my GF Sunday -- she's been either under the weather or away for the last couple weekends --  we're also going to NYC next weekend, again a romantic time actually out of town will be nice. Being sexually embodied as a lesbian, that's usually the best way to raise my spirits :-)I've also got some commissioned work to do tomorrow, stuff I will be paid for, that's always nice too.

Congratulations, both are good things!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: The Flying Lemur on October 24, 2017, 07:38:47 AM
I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Steph.  Dysphoria is a cruel thing and it can really suck the joy out of life.  I'm also glad to hear that you're forging ahead with your transition.  It helps to have stuff to look forward to.  You seem like a really bright, vital, and resilient person.  Keep on keeping on, sister!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 24, 2017, 09:39:28 AM
Quote from: The Flying Lemur on October 24, 2017, 07:38:47 AMI'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Steph.  Dysphoria is a cruel thing and it can really suck the joy out of life.  I'm also glad to hear that you're forging ahead with your transition.  It helps to have stuff to look forward to.  You seem like a really bright, vital, and resilient person.  Keep on keeping on, sister!

Aw, thanks Ben. My mind seems so much clearer since I started HRT. I've always felt that creative and sensitive kernel was there inside, but I wouldn't let it out much. Now I can just let it flow, and it feels sooo good.

My latest meltdown came out of nowhere after weeks of unbridled joy. Thankfully it didn't last long, and the happiness has resurfaced.

I dug through my "attic" yesterday trying to track down address information for all the places I've lived (forever!) so I can start the name change process tomorrow, and ended up shedding some tears as I ran across pictures and other mementos of things I'd accomplished in my previous incarnation. I got lost in wondering about what might have been if I'd let myself be complete long ago.

But, as Kendra has noted, that's all hormones under the bridge. Time to move forward, and the future is bright.

Note that I try really hard not to refer to myself in the third person when writing about my previous and future existence. "He" and "she" are all the same person: "me." Referring to myself back then as a different person seems disrespectful, and denies myself whatever pride I can draw from what I did then. And I have done a few cool things. I'm thinking about starting a thread about that.

Oh, and as for thinking clearly, I realized afterward that you already knew the date that I came out on FB, when I posted about it on your introductory thread. My excuse is that I'm juggling a lot of balls (stay focused now) trying to keep Susan's, two FB accounts, and direct email blasts to my friends all up to date. It's hard to remember who knows what...

And congratulations again on moving forward yourself!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 29, 2017, 02:16:06 PM
When last we saw our heroine, she was recovering from a mini-meltdown. We now rejoin her as she reports on how well things are going again...

Hi everyone! [Hi Steph!] As our announcer said, things are going great.

On October 25th I attended a clinic hosted by a legal aid association specifically for transgender name and gender marker changes. After a Powerpoint presentation, we were assigned a legal assistant to fill out the paperwork. I let her fill it all in, since her handwriting was legible (and mine isn't). I got to watch her put my new name on that line. It didn't hit me until later, but suddenly everything was becoming gloriously real. The next day I filed the paperwork with the court. I'm on my way...

I came up with a fun Halloween costume, a female airline pilot carrying a white cane with a red tip. See here for the pictures and my passenger announcement:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229004.msg2042368.html#msg2042368 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229004.msg2042368.html#msg2042368)

I'm president of our local flying club, and we host a fly-in breakfast every year on Halloween weekend. This is the first time I wore any kind of costume for it, and it was a hit. The only part that was different from the uniform I'd worn for the previous parties was I wore pants instead of a skirt. I was flying that day, and it's not a good idea to fly a plane that has a stick wearing a skirt. And yes, I know all the jokes about flying with a stick...

The part that put me over the moon was when an old friend that I hadn't seen in a while flew in. He thought the costume was cool, then leaned over (he's tall and I'm not) and said quietly, "Y'know, with the earrings and your hair out like that, you look a lot like a woman pilot." I thought my face was gonna split, I was smiling so wide. I nodded, and he said, "Oh, is that what you were going for?" I took him to a quiet corner and told him what was going on. He was happy that I was happy! I ended up telling five more people who I hadn't seen for a while, and they were all cool.

I've been going out wearing my girl clothes more often lately, though not pushing it too hard. It's been more androgynous, but it was kind of a test to see how I'd be gendered, and how far I had to go to be seen as female. Earlier this week I went to Wally World, and as I went through the self-checkout, the lady who watches over the area came over and starting chatting and helping me bag things, and just being really sociable. I've been through there and seen her lots of times before, and while we've occasionally said hi, there was never any kind of friendly interaction before. I don't know what it all means, but it was nice. The flip side is when I then went to the auto parts store, I was called sir the whole time. Meh...

But this morning I recovered completely. I've mentioned this before, but we live in a very close neighborhood, almost like an extended family. I wrote earlier how I was terrified of losing that close feeling, and how it worked out great in the end. This morning we texted everyone and arranged to go to breakfast together. This time I still didn't use any makeup, but pushed the clothes just a little bit further and had my hair pulled loosely through the loop in my baseball cap... and was gendered correctly all morning by the waiter! My neighbor and I smiled at each other, "Well, there ya go!"

So I'm going to count all those experiences as being gendered correctly three times recently, without a whole lot of effort. With starting the name change, more shopping trips while dressed, more friends supporting me, and another visit to my therapist where I spent most of the time making her smile with all my good news, I'm flying pretty high right now.

I'm getting work done around here and in the shop today wearing my girl working clothes, and wondering if I've already started RLE? Just women's jeans, a v-neck 3/4 sleeve t-shirt in a coral color, and matching canvas shoes. (I just realized it's pretty much what I was wearing in my current avatar pic.) Other than the colors, working clothes aren't really all that different from what I used to wear. I thought starting RLE would be like clicking a switch, where I pick a date and from then on I'm Steph only. But it seems like it might end up being a fade-out/fade-in kind of thing...

In any case, I'm really comfortable and contented today...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on October 29, 2017, 02:39:55 PM
Hi Steph(anie)

  I liked reading about all of your adventures and seeing the positive effect they are having on you. That feeling of all being right with the world is a wonderful one to have. I had the same upon my return from my trip. Would that it could have lasted.
  In regards to full time, sometimes it isn't a turn of the switch or a conscious decision. Sometimes it is a realization as mine turned out to be. I realized I had been full time  and could find no reason not to continue. I had to look back to the last time I wore my male clothes an now count my start from there. True to myself it was completely unplanned.
  I am happy for you that you are able to move forward to becoming Stephanie legally.

Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 29, 2017, 03:56:18 PM
Steph, it's lovely to hear how you just keep taking positive steps in your stride. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 29, 2017, 04:50:48 PM
Quote from: Megan. on October 29, 2017, 03:56:18 PMSteph, it's lovely to hear how you just keep taking positive steps in your stride. X

Thanks Laurie and Megan. An addendum to my earlier post that has me almost in tears right now: I just glimpsed in a mirror, and I saw a smiling woman looking back at me. Damn...

Happy Steph (sorry Moni)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: The Flying Lemur on October 29, 2017, 07:07:19 PM
I'm so happy to hear that things continue to go well!  It's great that your friends and neighbors have been positive.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 29, 2017, 09:12:20 PM
Quote from: Laurie on October 29, 2017, 02:39:55 PMThat feeling of all being right with the world is a wonderful one to have. I had the same upon my return from my trip. Would that it could have lasted.

It'll be back. At the risk of pushing a metaphor too far, yeah,  this molehill of yours turned out to be more of a mountain, but you're actually tackling it now, and you'll be stronger for it. Remember what it all looked like to me when we first met? And how far I've come, and how I've grown from the battle? I got a lot of that strength from you, whether you choose to accept that or not. The cool thing about passing on strength to other people is you can do so without depleting your own.

Michelle knows what she's talking about. Finding your own new support networks through social groups is a great way to go. If you turned those Moni-hunting skills into tracking down new groups to hang with, there'd be no stopping you. Heck, look at all the friends you've got here without hardly even trying.

QuoteIn regards to full time, sometimes it isn't a turn of the switch or a conscious decision. Sometimes it is a realization as mine turned out to be.

This is really what I started this reply to talk about. I was texting a friend of mine about wondering whether I'd actually gone full-time or not, and as I tried to summarize what we'd talked about, I suddenly understood just how profound what you had said was. If you don't mind, I'd like to quote a condensed version of your statement:

QuoteGoing full-time is not so much a decision, as it is a realization.
-Laurie

Yeah, it has a limited audience, but when I thought of it like that, it rocked me back pretty hard. Thank you for helping me clarify it.

QuoteTrue to myself it was completely unplanned.

Heh. We're pretty different in that respect. I do like to try to plan things. That's why I was taken by surprise when this full-time thing kinda snuck up on me. I make no promises that I won't backslide occasionally, but it sure feels real right now.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on October 30, 2017, 12:11:47 PM
Hi Steph,

My partner and I were on a road trip when I had a melt down, a really tough one. The outcome was that if I was to go on living and our relationship was going to last, the only choice was to live authentically. It was nearly a month later that I realized my full time transition point had been in the middle of that road trip just over a year ago. It hasn't been the smoothest flying since but oh so much better than anything before.  Pull your seat belt tight and enjoy the ride!

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 30, 2017, 12:31:39 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on October 30, 2017, 12:11:47 PMMy partner and I were on a road trip when I had a melt down, a really tough one. The outcome was that if I was to go on living and our relationship was going to last, the only choice was to live authentically. It was nearly a month later that I realized my full time transition point had been in the middle of that road trip just over a year ago. It hasn't been the smoothest flying since but oh so much better than anything before.  Pull your seat belt tight and enjoy the ride!

Hi Tia Anne,

Thanks for the encouragement! I got up this morning with the determination that ole whatshisname was probably gone for good. It felt so right that I emailed my Mom and sister just to tell them that I loved them, what a beautiful morning it was, and, unlike so many other mornings in the past, how it was a genuine joy to greet it.

It's so unusual for them to hear such things from me that I also followed up with a disclaimer that no drugs were involved in the making of the previous announcement.

Here I am getting ready to take my dawg for a walk. A bunch of my neighbors saw me and there wasn't a single negative comment.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/otxuom9l0tjyjtb/coolweather.jpg?dl=1)

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on October 30, 2017, 02:22:20 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 30, 2017, 12:31:39 PM

"I got up this morning with the determination that ole whatshisname was probably gone for good. It felt so right that I emailed my Mom and sister just to tell them that I loved them, what a beautiful morning it was, and, unlike so many other mornings in the past, how it was a genuine joy to greet it."


Steph, if you ever doubt the validity of being a transgender woman just go back and re-read your statement. No CIS guy could ever conceive the enjoyment of what you said. It sort of sums it all up, doesn't it!

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 30, 2017, 02:37:35 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on October 30, 2017, 02:22:20 PM
"I got up this morning with the determination that ole whatshisname was probably gone for good. It felt so right that I emailed my Mom and sister just to tell them that I loved them, what a beautiful morning it was, and, unlike so many other mornings in the past, how it was a genuine joy to greet it."

Steph, if you ever doubt the validity of being a transgender woman just go back and re-read your statement. No CIS guy could ever conceive the enjoyment of what you said. It sort of sums it all up, doesn't it!

Yeah, how about that? Despite all the crap going down in the world nowadays, it's still possible to find real happiness within. In fact, I suspect all the crap is caused by people who haven't been able to find that inner happiness in themselves. They haven't figured out how to live their own lives, so they try to run others' instead.

But what do I know? It took me 50 years to figure myself out...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 30, 2017, 11:59:35 PM
Hey, it looks like I might have gotten my first outright rejection! I'd sent a Facebook friend request to a neighbor who I'd clued in about my transition on Saturday. After a bit of research, it looks like my request was deleted without comment.

And ya know what? It doesn't matter. I thought it would hurt, but nothing's gonna dent my happiness now. After all, I've got family, tons of friends, and all you guys who support me.

It's their loss if they don't want to know the real me!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on October 31, 2017, 12:18:10 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 30, 2017, 11:59:35 PM
> And ya know what? It doesn't matter. I thought it would hurt, but nothing's gonna dent my happiness now. After all, I've got family, tons of friends, and all you guys who support me.

Exactly.  They just saved you time!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 31, 2017, 01:09:33 AM
Steph,

I had the same from a very small number of of FB connections.
It's those unwilling or unable to accept the new and wonderful you that are missing out. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 31, 2017, 01:14:18 AM
Quote from: Megan. on October 31, 2017, 01:09:33 AMIt's those unwilling or unable to accept the new and wonderful you that are missing out

Quote from: Kendra.Exactly. They just saved you time!

Kendra and Megan:

Exactamundo!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on October 31, 2017, 04:14:35 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 30, 2017, 11:59:35 PM
Hey, it looks like I might have gotten my first outright rejection! I'd sent a Facebook friend request to a neighbor who I'd clued in about my transition on Saturday. After a bit of research, it looks like my request was deleted without comment.

And ya know what? It doesn't matter. I thought it would hurt, but nothing's gonna dent my happiness now. After all, I've got family, tons of friends, and all you guys who support me.

It's their loss if they don't want to know the real me!

If nothing else, coming out certainly sorts out who your friends are. Some may take a little longer than others but you will eventually be left with a rock solid group of friends who love you for you... ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 31, 2017, 07:37:49 AM
Quote from: ElizabethK on October 31, 2017, 04:14:35 AM
If nothing else, coming out certainly sorts out who your friends are. Some may take a little longer than others but you will eventually be left with a rock solid group of friends who love you for you... ;)

Yes, indeed. Maybe everyone should do this to sort out the deadwood!

If this is the only loss, among... gosh, 60 or 70 friends? - I'll have no complaints whatsoever. And to be fair, I'm not discounting the outside chance that they may not recognize the name I'm using now, despite the close similarity to the old name.

Everyone else has been so cool, but what really surprised me is how much the women in particular have embraced this. I mentioned this to my neighbor, and she said, "Well, yeah! They've all got a new doll to dress up!" [emoji4][emoji147][emoji156]

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on October 31, 2017, 08:18:22 AM


Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 31, 2017, 07:37:49 AM
... Everyone else has been so cool, but what really surprised me is how much the women in particular have embraced this. I mentioned this to my neighbor, and she said, "Well, yeah! They've all got a new doll to dress up!" [emoji4][emoji147][emoji156]

Steph

My female neighbours were straight into telling me how they'd get me in heals.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on October 31, 2017, 10:25:06 AM
Quote from: Megan. on October 31, 2017, 08:18:22 AMMy female neighbours were straight into telling me how they'd get me in heals.

I'd have to heal, too, if I wore heels too much.  ;D

I posted this picture of my Halloween uniform on my Facebook page:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/nfp7523cbzash1c/sillyburger.jpg?dl=1)

Two things happened afterward:

I had to tell my neighbor to keep her husband on a short leash after he told me I had great legs.  :D

My other neighbor told me I need to be careful or the claws are going to come out on the other women in the neighborhood.  :o

Hubba hubba!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 02, 2017, 09:54:37 AM
Another awesome day...

It did start out pretty rough as I let Brandi shoot a laser at my face. This was my second go-round, and it was incredibly painful this time. I think I did two things wrong. First, I forgot Kendra's advice to hydrate hydrate hydrate. Second, I have 1:10 drive to the clinic, I got started with the numbing cream too early, and we started the session about 15 minutes late. That put the time from applying the cream until the first zap about about 1:45. Even though it felt numb, it must have been too long. Next time I think I'll drive there a half hour early and put the cream on there.

After the session, though, things turned around. After letting the shakes subside and wiping my eyes, I went to lunch at Chili's. I was treated well and ma'amed the whole time. From there I went to the mall and conducted more research. First was to see if I attracted any attention. Absolutely no drama there. Second was to observe and learn. I sat in the middle of the mall and watched the women and how they comport themselves. Not sure if I learned anything new, but I ended up feeling great about how things were going. I did some more walking around and had some fun with the storefront signs:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/rtluv9urul8tnzn/wineywench.jpg?raw=1)
.
And I found this thought bubble in the front of a store called "Garage," which apparently sells teenage girl clothes. I don't know why they had a fake bed and this sign in the front, but I was feeling so good I thought it was appropriate.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/mtb3ufbszldv5lw/dream.jpg?raw=1)

After the mall I went to Target and did some shopping, using the ladies dressing rooms to try on a few things, and even talking with the lady outside to see if they had something I was looking for. Again, no drama.

I believe I've gone full-time, and it's a wonderful feeling!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 02, 2017, 09:59:53 AM
Fab,  and a brilliant picture with the bubble. Is this it then? no more icky man stuff?

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 02, 2017, 10:07:10 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 02, 2017, 09:54:37 AM
> I went to Target
You nailed it - bullseye!

OMG Steph those photos almost caused a coffee spray. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 02, 2017, 10:26:33 AM
Quote from: Megan. on November 02, 2017, 09:59:53 AMFab,  and a brilliant picture with the bubble. Is this it then? no more icky man stuff?

I'm trying my best to purge all that stuff, but when I get down to it, I have a hard time differentiating between guy and girl work clothes to wear in the shop. T-shirts and jeans just aren't that different. Plus, I'm so dang cheap that I'm having a hard time dumping those types of clothes until they're worn out. I have to admit, though, two days ago when I was fixing my compressor wearing what could be considered non-gender-specific clothes, I started getting dysphoric just knowing that they belonged to ole whatshisname, to the point where I could feel a mild panic attack coming on later in the day. So I really needed yesterday to banish those blues. I need to come up with something that feels feminine to me but that I don't mind working in.

I forgot to mention that on the way home I stopped at one of my neighbor's houses and introduced my new self to them. They already knew the situation and are awesome about it, but until then they'd only seen me in at most androgynous mode. It went really well, and we had a warm conversation until I got an impatient text to get home to feed my wife (around here, if I don't cook, we don't eat...).

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 02, 2017, 12:33:02 PM
I am glad you are having a great time being yourself, Steph!

Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 02, 2017, 09:54:37 AMSecond, I have 1:10 drive to the clinic, I got started with the numbing cream too early, and we started the session about 15 minutes late. That put the time from applying the cream until the first zap about about 1:45.
Do you cover the cream with plastic wrap?  It looks goofy, and you probably want to avoid being in public like that any more than absolutely necessary, but it does make a big difference in keeping the cream effective for longer.  For areas where the effectiveness wears off quickly, I do two separate areas and cover them seperately.  That way, she can uncover one area, wipe it off and work there.  Once the numbing wears off there, she can uncover the other area, which is still numb and continue working.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 02, 2017, 12:47:31 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on November 02, 2017, 12:33:02 PM
I am glad you are having a great time being yourself, Steph!
Do you cover the cream with plastic wrap?  It looks goofy, and you probably want to avoid being in public like that any more than absolutely necessary

Yeah, sure did. Driving 1:10 through morning traffic is a hoot with that on my face. The thing I hate most is being hardly able to open my mouth, so it's hard to sing on the way.

I use Press and Seal instead of Saran Wrap and it does seem to keep things from drying out. I'll try getting there early and getting zapped within 1/2 hour next time. If that doesn't do it, I'll just have to grimace and take it. But wow, I sure didn't expect anything like that after the first time was so easy.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 02, 2017, 12:48:48 PM
I also do as Kathy suggested an hour before my appointments. My electrologist suggested I apply a thing coat of numbing cream and rub it into the skin some before applying a second thicker coat and covering. This seemed to help the numbing be more effective. I also prep and cover two areas separately. And also do not forget to hydrate hydrate hydrate again.

laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on November 02, 2017, 06:28:13 PM
I will be talking with our glass shop director about clothing. Senior people, myself included are allowed to wear shorts (heat is already bad enough without wearing long pants). I want the ok to wear a skirt -- has to be cotton so it's not an issue right now as I can't afford anything new and like you Stephanie, I'm really cheap, still patch my work clothes when seams give way.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 03, 2017, 11:31:00 PM
Yet another interesting day. Part of my job has been displaying at major, and a few minor, aviation expos around the US. This year I decided not to display at the November show in Florida, partially because of changes in the relationship with the company I import products from, but mostly because at the time I was required to reserve a display booth, I was just starting my transition, and I had no idea where I'd be at this time in the future.

I have become friends with a lot of people at these shows, and I usually only see them there. So a fair number of folks who I've come to know had no idea what I was going through. Today was the day I visited and got to fill them in.

I invited Delores, a girlfriend who knows all about me to go along, and we went to breakfast at one airport before going to the show. I didn't go over the top on getting dressed up, but I didn't attempt to hide anything either. All the clothes were from the women's department, and my hair was just pulled through the loop on my hat and left loose. My nails were polished and of course I had my new earrings in. The end result was still kind of androgynous. Here I am after we got back home, with the latest plane I built. We both have big smiles:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/dnuzwx89t7duuxt/pile-it.jpg?dl=1)

At breakfast I had a serious dilemma. I didn't think I was passing as female, and I had to use the bathroom. What to do? Well, I braced myself and used the men's room. I just didn't think I'd get away with using the ladies room this time. It turned out to be a dysphoric experience. I realized that this is the first time I've used a public men's room in a while, and it just felt wrong. Delores caught me coming out and said in front of everyone, "Hey, you used the wrong one! I expected to find you in the other one." Now, my flying buddies do know what's going on with me, but nobody else in the building did. I laughed it off (painfully). I don't know whether anyone noticed or not. Oy.

When we got to the show I stopped to say hello to my friend who describes the planes for the crowd as they fly by. I filled him in on my situation, and he was supportive, but we couldn't talk long because he had to get back to his announcing. I waved bye, and he whispered to stop back later.

Next up was an old friend and business partner. I told him everything, he said he was cool, and we went on to the same old conversations we always have, just like nothing else was new. When I moved on he made me promise to call him if I needed anything at all.

And that was pretty much the pattern for everyone else I know and have worked with, except for the last one. She actually runs the show. I've worked with her for years, and we've gotten to know each other pretty well. This is, in fact, the first year that I haven't arranged to display at her show since she took over. We sat and had lunch together, and as we got up to leave I broke the news a little differently. I told her that one of the reasons I didn't display this year was because of some big changes happening in my life, and I just gave her one of my new business cards. They're the same as my old ones except the name is changed from "Steve" to "Steph." I told her it would give her an idea if she looked at the name. She looked it over, looked a little puzzled, looked me over with new eyes... then gave me a big hug. She told me that she was happy for me, and not much else needed to be said. That was pretty dang cool.

There was one more stop. I know a guy (L) who runs an aircraft business not far from me with his wife and his dad (P), and I stopped to say a quick Hi to them. They already know about my transition. Remember my friend who took us to Disney? He's the one who filled them in a couple of weeks ago, and he told me that when L found out he started saying some pretty nasty things. That's when his dad stepped in and read him the riot act: "She's going through a hard time right now, and you will support her and be nice! (or something along those lines)" Now it's not as if L is a kid - he's got to be in his 40's and P must be in his 60's. I was in awe that P not only came to my defense, but immediately started using the correct pronouns without prompting. We had a nice conversation about the product they're selling and the next plane I'm building, then touched a little on my transition - with no drama - and we moved on.

It was time to head home, but I still needed to stop and see my announcer friend on the way out as promised. I walked into the little building he uses as an announcer's booth. He had a few other people hanging out with him, and with no prompting he introduced me to each of them in turn as Steph. Wow. I know some pretty dang cool people.

Letting all of them know pretty much sets the stage for the next big show in Florida coming up in April. Instead of displaying I'll be volunteering with all the people I know who make the show happen, and now almost all of them know what to expect. By April I will have been on HRT for almost 11 months, so hopefully there will be noticeable changes, unlike now. With all the pump priming I've been doing, the shock factor should be pretty low, and I can just get on with the job as me. Where before I was dreading it, now I'm starting to look forward to it.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 03, 2017, 11:37:57 PM
 glad to hear it was a good event for you Steph(anie)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 04, 2017, 02:22:07 AM
Sounds like you have many wonderful and very sensible friends who truly value you for the person you are. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 04, 2017, 08:41:53 AM
Way to go on all the coming out, and congratulations on your choices of friends!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 04, 2017, 09:52:41 AM
Steph ya got it in the cards - right on.  As time goes on this whole gender thing just feels right and the previous way less so (I've noticed the same thing).  Wingin' it seems tricky at first, then becomes a nice glide path.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 04, 2017, 10:36:50 PM
I couldn't stop grinning all day...

My wife and I flew to breakfast this morning. As president of our flying club, I instituted our club motto as "Fly to Eat; Eat to Fly." Pilots aren't very smart, so this keeps things simple. We always know what we need to do next: if we're flying, next up is eating. If we're eating... well, you get it. Restaurants on airports are always in high demand by pilots.

Here we are on the way. As you can see, I'm not dressed up much (I'm on the right, silly). Just a women's button down shirt, women's jeans, and blue canvas shoes with white polkadots. I even tied my hair back when we went to eat.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/fu66m2tshjusdaa/breakfastflight.jpg?raw=1)

None of the rest of my flying buddies could make it today, so we went by ourselves, and without our regular posse along we sat alone. Pilots tend to be a social lot, though, and one of the guys at a table across the restaurant called over, "Did you ladies fly in?" This is when my grin started. Using my best voice (which isn't very dang good) I answered that yes, we did. We talked airplanes for a minute, and then he asked (even after hearing my voice) whether we were with the Ninety-Nines. My grin got even bigger. The Ninety-Nines is a women's aviation organization started by Amelia Earhart with 98 other women back in the 30s. There are male members, but it was obvious what this guy was thinking.

I hardly needed an airplane to fly home...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on November 05, 2017, 03:31:58 AM
QuoteI hardly needed an airplane to fly home...

You're amazing, I've been up in small aircraft a few times, usually seated shotgun hella fun experience. Best evar included a flyover el cap and half dome in Yosemite bc the pilot said it was only a few minutes out of the way and why not!!?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 05, 2017, 06:16:35 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 04, 2017, 10:36:50 PM
I hardly needed an airplane to fly home...
Right on, sister!

As a former pilot myself (RCAF), I know the thrill of flying, but I can totally see that the thrill of that encounter would take first place.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 05, 2017, 06:52:01 AM
in the breakfast club
fly to eat and eat to fly
clear blue skies ahead

ladies at table
gendered correctly again
Steph can't stop smiling

things can turn out well
easier as time goes by
flying on cloud nine

aviatrix now
go buzz the control tower
yee haw this is fun
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 08, 2017, 01:07:16 AM
Hi Steph,

I am just reading through this thread. I am finding it so inspiring. So much of what you have said is something I can completely relate to. You are further along your transition than I am. I can only hope my journey is even half as positive as yours. I  have only read the first half of this thread so far. I just read your Facebook coming out letter and had to stop reading so I can respond. That letter was incredible! I may even steal some of your words (with your permission of course) when I am ready to come out. I don't have a Facebook account but I was thinking that a letter like that would work well with work.

I will continue reading this thread as soon as I get a bit more time (and recharge my phone battery). I was also thinking of creating a blog type thread rather than starting a new thread every time I want to say something.

Thank you for sharing this. It is giving me strength to continue down this transition path.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 08, 2017, 10:30:50 PM
Sorry I've been falling behind, everyone. Been a busy couple of days.

Sadie: Yosemite is my most favoritest place in the whole world. I've been there 3 or 4 times now. Even rented a cabin in the valley for a winter weekend once. I fell in love with the Ahwahnee Hotel, and have tried to model parts of my house on the decor. I'm surprised you could fly over the park. It would be extremistically awesomatic to see it from the air.

Kathy:Now I not only want to sit and have coffee with you, but I need to take you flying. Once it's in your blood you're infected for life, and I've already reignited the fire in another one of our sisters (reference Jayne below). Advanced Ultralights in Canada are very close to our Light Sport Aircraft here in the US. You need to find your way out of that cold and get down to Florida so I can show you what it's all about.

Kendra: Thank you for the cool haiku. Yet another reason to worship you. I'm not worrrrrthy!!! Would you mind if I posted it on my Facebook page after my breakfast story? With proper attribution to Kenundrum, of course.

And Jayne: Thank you. I'm humbled that you took inspiration not only from our back-channel flying banter, but also by my writing on this thread. I can't take credit for starting it. My friend and badger-in-chief Laurie is the one who goaded me into initiating it, back when I was scared to death. I'll always be thankful that she took me by the hand and pulled me out of my shell. If I helped you at all, it was because I'm now trying to pay that kindness forward. Some day you'll find yourself in the same position. Helping each other bootstrap our emergence is what makes Susan's shine brighter than all the other groups on the internet. This is the first and only place where I have been moved to voluntarily make monthly donations to help out. Worth every penny.

On to my latest adventure: I posted on the "What made you happy" thread that yesterday I finally found the right place to get my fingerprints electronically submitted, so I can get the paperwork wrapped up for my name change. In about two weeks the background check should be done, and I can set my court date. The rumor is that it'll take about a month to see the judge. So I'm hoping that in six weeks or so I will finally be who I really am: Stephanie Rhapsody XXX. Then it'll be party time. How many of you will come?

After seeing the fingerprint dude, I brushed out my hair, put on my girl shoes, grabbed my purse, and went to lunch at a cool little restaurant right across from the seaplane base on a lake here in central Florida. I suspect the waitress clocked me, but she never let on, and I was treated so well that I not only left a big tip, but I wrote a thank you on the credit card receipt. I've never ever done such a thing before, but after being pretty stressed about it, it all went so well that I needed to show my gratitude.

I don't really get why I was so nervous. I've been out enough now that this isn't anything new. It may have been that I hadn't done a lot of preparation beforehand with makeup and such things. After all, for the fingerprinting I'd decided that I was going to go androgynously at best. I guess I just didn't think I'd earned a "passing" grade. Eh, whatever... all's well that ends well.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 08, 2017, 10:42:29 PM
Steph, that's great you are still moving forward in such a positive way. It will be awesome once you have your name change finalised. It will be a milestone worth celebrating!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 08, 2017, 11:08:25 PM
Steph, yes - you're most welcome to re-post, re-use etc., I'm very open about my transition.  I am not on Facebook but might re-activate someday after I get caught up on other stuff.  I seem to have too many projects right now, including me...    ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 08, 2017, 11:18:46 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 08, 2017, 11:08:25 PMSteph, yes - you're most welcome to re-post, re-use etc., I'm very open about my transition.

Thank you! I don't need to mention that you're a tran-sister, even if you don't mind. I just think my cis-friends will dig your poetry.

QuoteI seem to have too many projects right now, including me...    ;)

Hoo boy, do I ever understand that. I've been taking some heat around the airport that I haven't put a wrench on my own airplane kit project since I got home from Oshkosh in August. My excuse was my projects have been taking care of customer's demands - and myself. I am definitely a work in progress...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 09, 2017, 07:22:29 AM
Tran-sister... love the term. 
After all those decades I suppressed it, being a re-sister. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Meghan on November 09, 2017, 07:29:34 AM
Quote from: Kendra on November 09, 2017, 07:22:29 AM
Tran-sister... love the term. 
After all those decades I suppressed it, being a re-sister.
Since we must lean on each other for support just like a family member supposed to do.

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 09, 2017, 05:05:02 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 09, 2017, 07:22:29 AM
Tran-sister... love the term. 
After all those decades I suppressed it, being a re-sister.
*** Bump-Powww ***

That is funny, but appropriate.  But I need to know, to go from a re-sister to a trans-sister, did you first have to pass through a trans-former?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 09, 2017, 05:06:23 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 09, 2017, 05:05:02 PM
*** Bump-Powww ***

That is funny, but appropriate.  But I need to know, to go from a re-sister to a trans-sister, did you first have to pass through a trans-former?

Yes. That is the trans-mission.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 09, 2017, 05:09:01 PM
[emoji23]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sno on November 09, 2017, 06:29:37 PM
That's because the autoformer failed, and my capacity for puns is shocking.

Rowan
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 10, 2017, 01:51:29 AM
Ohm my.  Currently positive or neutral.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 10, 2017, 07:15:05 AM
I was going to tell you to watch your amplitude, but it's actually kind of Coulomb. I'm seeing these things with increasing frequency.

And don't tran-sit in your trans-Continental. Work on your trans-fat or you're going to ruin your trans-figure.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 10, 2017, 09:26:35 AM
I figure some of us have our quarks.  According to string theory I shouldn't impede your thread as that would be a negative sine to a void.  A hormonic frequency in relativity terms.

Speaking of figure I'll raise ourglass, a toast to transposing.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 12, 2017, 11:45:52 PM
Hi Friends,

Not sure exactly why I'm posting this right now. I guess the contrast with the next message I post will illustrate how quickly and thoroughly things can change, and how fragile and superficial happiness is. This is a lightly edited version of an email I sent my mom and a friend yesterday.

My mom had emailed to say that she hadn't heard from me for a while, and wondered if everything was ok.
========

No, things aren't "OK." Instead, they're really quite wonderful. As you may have read on my Facebook page, I had been thinking aloud to a dear friend about when I would leave my old self behind, and finally allow myself to live full-time as who I know myself to be. I paraphrased my friend's statement as, "Full-time is less a decision as it is a realization." Well, I have accepted myself, and I have realized that everyone around me is pretty much accepting - or at least tolerating - my new self. It's snuck up on me so quietly I didn't know it was happening, but I realized that I haven't slipped into my old role in quite a while now.

Last Tuesday I finally found out from the County Family Court Clerk where I could get my fingerprints electronically submitted for the background check for my name change court order. I drove to the courthouse in a neighboring county in what I call "androgynous mode" to get it done. No problem, and afterwards I went back to the car, brushed out my hair, grabbed my purse, and walked downtown to a restaurant which is right on the lake at a seaplane base. I had a nice lunch, and though I was nervous, and I think the waitress may have "read" me, she was still very nice. She got a big tip and a Thank You on the receipt.

Last Sunday a bunch of us were going to fly to breakfast, and I decided I it was time that the neighborhood got used to seeing me the way I was going to be seen the rest of my life here. It was a bit of a milestone moment for me as I get ready to go, though it certainly wasn't anything over the top. Just some of my favorite casual feminine clothes. I didn't want to shock anyone too badly, so I put my stuff in my Eagle Creek "tech bag" I've been carrying for years, instead of taking a purse. I was getting all keyed up with the thought of getting this speed bump behind me, and... we had to cancel because of fog. I felt like a balloon with all the air let out. Text messages flew back and forth about postponing and going to lunch later, and we finally all got an invitation to meet at a neighbor's and enjoy each other's company with hot cinnamon rolls. The thought of changing back to "old mode" occurred to me, but then I decided, no, let's get this done. And there were no bad comments. Admittedly, there was only one good comment, a compliment on my blouse, but otherwise, everything was normal, with the regular banter and jokes and discussion about airplanes and other good things. And that's what I needed. Normalcy and stability proved to me that I was still accepted as the same person. Actually, things were still a little too normal - while all of my neighbors have started calling me "Steph," one in particular continues to use the incorrect pronouns (he, him, his). Right now, even though it hurts a bit, I'm taking it with wry acceptance. I understand that the flipside of them still seeing me as the same person is they haven't been pushed to think about who I am now, and the changes that are taking place.

A group of us were going to fly to a resort town on the Gulf of Mexico yesterday, and again it was going to be my debut flight as me. This time I decided to avoid half-measures, and while I was still casual, I did use some makeup and tried to make myself look as good as possible. And again we were fogged in. I moped around and did things around the house part of the day, and everyone finally decided to meet for dinner at a BBQ place at 5:30. I grabbed my purse and hat and drove to Kohl's to do some shopping. I needed a lightweight jacket, and ended up finding one, along with a nice cardigan. There was quite a line to check out, and it made me a bit nervous, knowing I'd be in such close proximity to other people. And it was fine, with a little bantering about why there where so many people waiting, with one guy asking me what they were giving away. The cashier asked, "Would you like to keep the hangers, ma'am?" and we tried to figure out how to use a discount code. Apparently she didn't notice anything unusual, which I just what I'd hoped for.

I nervously considered dropping in on my mom unannounced, but then realized I was running late for dinner and had to get to Leesburg. Some of the neighbors had already seen me in full "me mode" but some others there hadn't - and once again, all was normal, including the continued misgendering by the one neighbor, even in front of the waitress. At one point I mentioned the fingerprints and court order, and a few didn't know what it was for. I explained that it was for the name change, and that was a good time to put them on notice that when the change is made official, it will be time to end the misgendering. Maybe that got some wheels turning in those heads. It ended up being a nice dinner anyway.

Today, my wife and I met up with a friend I'd made at one of the support groups I go to. We met for breakfast at a bakery, then went to a Renaissance Faire. My friend is as geeky as my wife and me, and is also transgender, so we had plenty to talk about. We ended up getting getting soaked in the rain on the way out, but went back to the same restaurant on the lake that I'd been to earlier in the week for lunch anyway. We had more interesting conversation while we ate and dried out. After we got home, another neighbor came over and I helped him with his phone and some navigation software on his tablet, still in full me mode. And everything is fine, despite him slipping on my name a few times. I got revenge, though. While I worked on his phone I snuck into his Contacts and changed my name to Steph. He won't have any idea how it happened, and maybe it'll help him remember. To be fair, he was one of the first to try to use Steph all the time, so an occasional slip-up is forgivable.

We're going to try to go to the resort town on the Gulf one more time tomorrow, and again I plan to do it all as myself. Hopefully this time it'll work. But whether it does or not, it seems to be a foregone conclusion that my old self is in the past now.

My friend who was the second person I came out to sent me an email telling me we need to visit with her sometime soon. We've determined that we wear the same size clothes, and she has a room full that she wants me to look through and take home. She also wants to take us out for a nice dinner. She was the first one to give me total acceptance, to the point where she told me I'd better not show up at her house in my old male mode, since she considers him to be gone. We've proposed a date toward the end of the month to drive up there. It sounds like loads of fun.

My neighbor made me smile the other day. He told me that he'd been talking with one of the guys who help me around the shop in the winter. He asked my neighbor what he thought about my situation, and he told him, "Hey, he was a great guy, and now she's a great girl. We need to support her." He thought about it, and agreed that my neighbor was right. Wow. Can't ask for anything better than that.

And to top it all off, something very cool happened tonight. I told you about my mini-meltdown about four weeks ago, when I saw an old man looking back at me in the reflection of our kitchen window. Well tonight, I was walking toward one of the porch doors to let my dog in, and I saw someone in the reflection that matched the image I have of myself in my head. She isn't as young as I'd like, but that's what we all think, isn't it? She looked good. And happy. And the reflection and I smiled at each other.

I could type all night, telling you about how well things are going, and how happy I am overall. I really don't have a frame of reference, but this must be what it feels like to be normal. Or maybe it's better than normal. I mean, how many people get to have their dreams come true?

=======

Sounds good, right. Read the next message.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 12, 2017, 11:59:52 PM
Lightly edited version of an email to a friend:

==========

We finally had the weather to fly to that small resort town on the Gulf. The only other people going were my neighbor and his wife, so I knew it would be interesting, but I thought I was prepared. They've been good at using "Steph," but he continually misgenders me. I don't really talk with his wife much, so I didn't know how she's adapting.

This was to be my debut fly-out as myself. I used every single trick I know to get myself looking as good as I can, and I thought I was doing ok, but was still nervous about it all. As usual, though, when the engine starts, all that stuff gets compartmentalized and tucked away so I can get to the business of flying.

It wasn't until we were on the way that I found out that they had invited another friend and his wife to meet us there. I've gotten to know him a little, and we've always had good conversations whenever I run across him. I've never met his wife, and neither of them know what I'm dealing with.

It was a bumpy flight and an interesting approach on what looks like an aircraft carrier. I made a good landing though, and my neighbors were waiting for us.  When I got out of the plane I unpacked that compartment in my head and all the anxiety came spilling out, with the added complication of what was going to happen when my neighbor's friend got there and found out, without me having any chance to explain or prepare him. I debated with myself at the last minute whether to just keep my flying cap on or switch to my "girl hat," and whether to add a few accessories like a scarf and a cardigan I had thrown in the back of the plane. After dithering until they yelled to get going, I chickened out and left all that stuff in the plane.

We caught a taxi into town and wandered around the shops until we got hungry, then went to a fish place for lunch. I took the left seat by the window with my neighbor's wife across from me and my wife on my right.

In a little while my neighbor's friend and his wife came in. He sat to my wife's right and his wife across from him. He looked across my wife and we said Hi to each other. I was introduced to his wife as Stephanie, and she seemed to accept that with no question. He paused and said, "No, it's not Stephanie!", and my wife told him, "Yes, it is." He paused and said, "Whatever." And ignored me the rest of the meal.

I probably could have gotten through that, but then both my neighbor and his wife started using male pronouns, which would have been bad enough one on one, but they even did it in front of their friend's wife and the waitress. Each time it happened my spirit got pushed down further and further, until I withdrew from everything and just stared out the window.

Here I was, with a nice blouse with flowers embroidered on the sleeves, my hair out, makeup and earrings - and, well... TMI or not, a bra - and he sees a guy. What was left of my confidence was completely shattered. And I had to use the bathroom. What the hell was I going to do now? The rule is that you use the bathroom that matches the way you're presenting, and though I was sure I wasn't fooling anyone any more, I grabbed tight to whatever courage I had left, excused myself, grabbed my purse, and went to the ladies room, locking myself in a stall as quickly as I could. There I fought with everything I had to keep from breaking down completely. I was in there so long fighting off a panic attack that the automatic lights timed out and everything went dark. Just as well. It certainly matched my mood.

While I never enjoy people talking behind my back, I figured getting out of earshot would give them a chance to get a few things worked out regarding me. Apparently it never happened. When I finally got back things were the same, and when we left the restaurant I walked off to go look out over the Gulf alone and try to figure out what to do next. My wife caught up with me there and tried to get me out of my funk. She finally ended up telling me I was being childish. That was pretty much the nail in the coffin. She had been my rock. I've told everyone that she literally saved my life. And now she is discounting the depth of pain that I'm feeling. What's left?

We found the rest of the group as the taxi arrived, and on the ride back to the airport I packed up that compartment in my head and strapped it tight for the flight home. There's no room for that kind of baggage up front when there's flying to be done. We dodged showers and got a little wet a few times, but no big deal. Got the plane into the hangar and safe, then went inside and sat down to unpack the baggage. I threw all those girl clothes into a heap at the foot of the bed, crawled in, and let myself have a major meltdown.

I slept the rest of the afternoon, and I thought that would help, but here I sit with a stomach ache and a wet face, questioning what the hell I'm doing to myself.

While I was typing this my wife came in, and we just got done having a long conversation. Things will be ok, but most of the conversation centered around how I should have handled it better.

Yes, I know I should have stuck up for myself.

Yes, I hardly ever see my neighbor's friend, and his opinion of me shouldn't matter.

Yes, I should have been strong enough to laugh it off.

Yes this. Yes that.

Maybe yesterday I could have. Maybe tomorrow I can. But today I hurt.

The sadness is strong, and valid, and incredibly traumatic.

Steph... or whoever I am...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 13, 2017, 02:27:04 AM
Finally, I get to give to give you a big hug back in return for the many you've given me. HHUUUUUGGG!

I'm so sorry to hear about your neighbours,  it's often worse when we labour under the opinion that others support us to only find out later that might not be true.

Firstly,  you ARE Steph,  and I won't hear any other nonsesnse to the contrary.

Second, even those that love us and care for us may still fail to understand the pressures we face on occasion; that's just human nature.

Thirdly no-one is bulletproof. You're more than entitled to be damaged, but you'll also recover stronger than before. Find those safe physical and mental spaces to rebuild your positive energy before taking your fabulous self back out into the world.

Keep strong, you got this. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 13, 2017, 07:11:17 AM
I am so sorry that this happened to you, Steph.  No one deserves to be treated like that, and no one should ever be told that they should have been stronger, when the problem is that other people are d**kh**ds.  I am sorry too that you are feeling unsupported.

You are strong, and you will bounce back from this.  In the meantime, here's a hug: (((())))

Have you considered that your neighbours' continued misgendering might not be accidental?  Have you considered that your neighbours might have anticipated their friends' reaction and planned for it?  A little bit of paranoia is not a bad thing.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Charlie Nicki on November 13, 2017, 07:39:13 AM
 Hi Steph,

I'm sorry for that. I'm also sending you a virtual hug and hope things get better soon! You are a fighter and this is only a small bump on the ride. The good thing is that you will be more prepared if this ever happens again (let's hope not).

This reminds me that we have to educate people about ourselves and if they slip up, we have to remind them to use female pronouns and our chosen name. I know it's easier said than done specially if we feel pressured or stressed.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 13, 2017, 07:42:08 AM
Thanks Megan and Kathy. Here I sit in my doctor's office to get my normal blood tests done. Only my doctor knows about my transition, none of the other staff, so I face using my old name and going in "androgynous mode."  The lady I like most here has always called me "Mister Steve" and though it's always said in a friendly manner, I'm not looking forward to it.

A lady just sat down next to me in a flowing skirt and nice peasant top and I'm so dysphoric I'm almost in tears.

The killer thing? I saw "her" again in the mirror this morning. But it's evident that nobody else sees her. I know I shouldn't care about what other people think, but really, if we don't seek external validation, if just knowing internally that we are women is supposed to be enough, why transition at all?

Kathy, I really don't think my neighbors did any of it on purpose. They're just highly social people and always try to get as many friends together as possible. When I walked off to get my act together, they checked with my wife to make sure I was going to be ok flying home. And when I got home, my neighbor's wife texted me to apologize for hurting my feelings, and that they were worried about me. I'm still not sure if she even knows what she did, but I appreciated the gesture.

Anyway, I'll keep moving forward somehow. I'll go out to the shop and try to stay busy enough to distract myself so I don't have to think about it.

It's a nice Florida autumn day, but everything looks gray right now.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 13, 2017, 01:51:04 PM
One reason I am more thick-skinned than average (or I can be thick-headed) is I endured a ridiculous amount of racial discrimination when I was younger.  I don't mean polite questions such as "what's your, um, ethnic heritage if you don't mind me asking" but being thrown into the mud by a pack of bullies in school in full view of the line of school busses, bus drivers and other school staff - on more than one occasion - and having the Arlington School District (Washington State) do absolutely nothing about it.  So my parents drove me to regular Karate lessons in the nearest place available (one hour round trip) with the instructions to never start a fight but never lose one.  Racism isn't always directly intentional but it can be very damaging.  I could fill pages with what I've encountered on that topic but I won't. 

The judgement call is when someone is simply clueless.  Anything more than a gentle reminder can serve the wrong purpose and make the situation worse for next time or cause resentment to a group that seeks to normalize and be treated as equals.  When that happens I'll have a gentle side conversation with that person to let them know their words really did hurt, I am assuming it wasn't intentional but tell them for my sake and others'.  If it's someone I'll never see again and I don't have the time, it's more like having some idiot honk unnecessarily in traffic, just know that at some point they will learn the hard way but I don't have time to tell them. 

And there are people who fling arrows intentionally - like the <moderate my own language> at Chipotle fast food in July who loudly called me "sir" from behind the counter and... she wasn't even working on my meal, someone else was and she was visibly happy to make a point.  So I promptly replied, loud enough so everyone heard my reply to her: "Oh.  Have a great day.  SIR!"  That felt pretty good but didn't quite make up for the sting.  In hindsight, as a clearly deliberate act I should have determined her name and contacted the restaurant's corporate office.

Regaredless of outcome you didn't do anything wrong - it's on the other person.  These things don't always have perfect answers and I certainly don't have the right one ready at all times for myself.  All I can advise is it gets easier with time.  Much easier.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 13, 2017, 06:45:29 PM
Steph(anie),

  Like everyone else I was dismayed to read your account of your lunch encounter. I wish it could have been better for you but the reality of it is you are going to have some of these encounters and all you can do is pick yourself up and carry on. Dwelling on your woes will do you no good. But accepting that it is going to happen will make you stronger.
  Now girl, are you going to let little disappointment like this cause you to crash and burn? Or are you going to pick your hurt feelings up and fly like an eagle? I'd much rather see you fly girl.

((hugs))
  Laurie

https://www.google.com/search?q=fly+like+an+eagle+song&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8 (https://www.google.com/search?q=fly+like+an+eagle+song&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 13, 2017, 10:53:19 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 13, 2017, 01:51:04 PM
One reason I am more thick-skinned than average (or I can be thick-headed) is I endured a ridiculous amount of racial discrimination when I was younger.

Hi Kendra,

I've read some of your earlier entries here, so I know some of what you went through. People can really suck. I think it's probably true that things are better today regarding such prejudice, though obviously we still have a long way to go.

It can in no way compare to what you went through, considering I was a white lower-middle-class boy from the suburbs, but I felt like an outcast, too. I was the small nerd (before the word was even in common usage) among my classmates. Always last in line for pictures because they lined you up by height to make it easier for the photographer to adjust his camera. I never felt like I fit in. Always had a hard time making friends, and was so terrified of losing the few I had that I let them be cruel to me without abandoning them. I vividly remember the day in junior high school when my "friends" grabbed me and threw me upside down into one of those giant garbage cans in the common area. "Noogies," "indian burns," "wedgies," constant threats of "swirlies" (though that never actually happened). Verbal abuse, insults. I absorbed them all just to keep from being alone. In elementary school I often ended up sitting against a tree in the nearby woods alone during recess, even in the snow. The closest I ever got to being in a fight was in elementary school when, after being mercilessly razzed by a classmate, I shoved him up against a block wall hard enough to make his teeth rattle. Guess who got in trouble for that? I always got great grades, but was called slow because it took me so long to get done with anything. I've told a few people about how it went for me, and they tell me they felt the same kind of anomie, and it was just a normal part of growing up. I dunno. I didn't see anyone one else out there sitting alone in the snow.

I have no idea whether any of this had anything to do with my trans condition, but by junior high I definitely knew there was something wrong with the "suit" I was wearing. I always felt more comfortable among the girls, but of course that was verboten. I remember I adored a girl down the street who had some of the same nerdy tendencies I did. We spent a heavenly afternoon together experimenting with capacitors and batteries and light bulbs. I could hang out with a girl without looking like a sissy, and I was devastated when she moved away. I hated gym class with a passion. I would do anything to avoid going into the boy's locker room. Getting naked and showering with all the other boys was a mortifying experience. I was immensely relieved when I found out you could get out of gym by taking band class, and from 5th grade on I never went back into the locker room.

I was terrified of my father. He had a terrible temper. I've realized over the years that he probably would never have acted on his threats, but both my sister and I lived in fear of what he might do. He wasn't into sports, but did do the gender-typical hunting and fishing, etc. As the boy, I was expected to do the same, and though I did develop a love of being out in the woods, I would much rather carry a camera than a gun. I did have to get an NRA marksman award, earn the Eagle Scout rank, get a ham radio license, rebuild cars (specializing in Corvairs, believe it or not), go deer, partridge, and squirrel hunting, and endure hour after hour of fishing, usually trolling for northern pike. It all felt like an enormous waste of time, when I could be warm and comfortable reading a book. As mentioned, I did learn to love being in the wild, with some of my best memories being all the hiking and canoeing I used to do in northern lower Michigan while growing up. It got me away from other people and the stress of trying to fit in. I understood my dog better than people.

Uh... well, that devolved into a painful autobiography. I'll stop there. Sorry to lay it on you all, but it was a bit cathartic.

QuoteThe judgement call is when someone is simply clueless.  Anything more than a gentle reminder can serve the wrong purpose and make the situation worse for next time or cause resentment to a group that seeks to normalize and be treated as equals.  When that happens I'll have a gentle side conversation with that person to let them know their words really did hurt, I am assuming it wasn't intentional but tell them for my sake and others'.

I got a lot of "therapy" today from dear friends who saw I was hurting, and we talked about just that. One solution we came up with for dead-naming or misgendering was to carry business cards that say something like this:
QuoteMy name is Stephanie.
My friends call me Steph.
My pronouns are she, her, and hers.
I can be addressed as miss, ms., or ma'am.

You owe me 25 cents.

Include a silly illustration to keep it light. And discreetly give it to whoever messes up. None of the people I care about have intentionally misgendered me, but it happens all the time even with those with the best intentions. Embarrassing them in front of everyone else isn't productive.

I agree that pushing too hard can get you pushback. It's one of the reasons you won't find me marching in protest parades or attending rallies. How do you think people are going to react when you get in their face and call them bad people in front of a crowd? I admire those who are willing to push the envelope - the boundaries never get expanded if you don't lean on them. But I choose to do it discreetly, one-on-one, and with sensitivity to when it may be more than the listener is able to handle at the time.

QuoteAnd there are people who fling arrows intentionally - like the <moderate my own language> at Chipotle fast food in July who loudly called me "sir" from behind the counter and... she wasn't even working on my meal, someone else was and she was visibly happy to make a point.  So I promptly replied, loud enough so everyone heard my reply to her: "Oh.  Have a great day.  SIR!"  That felt pretty good but didn't quite make up for the sting.  In hindsight, as a clearly deliberate act I should have determined her name and contacted the restaurant's corporate office.

I'm sorry to hear that. She must have been pretty insecure to feel like she'd make points for herself by disrespecting someone else like that. I don't think I would have had the nerve to do what you did, but reporting them to their employer would be good payback, even if you never learned the results. Would she have learned a lesson or just gotten more resentful? I don't understand people well enough to figure that one out.

QuoteRegaredless of outcome you didn't do anything wrong - it's on the other person.  These things don't always have perfect answers and I certainly don't have the right one ready at all times for myself.  All I can advise is it gets easier with time.  Much easier.

Yeah, it's another lesson learned, and it was pointed out today that experiencing such things can make you stronger and more prepared for the next time it happens. And I know it will happen again.

My neighbor mentioned a Tom Petty (RIP) song called Rhino Skin. I need to look that one up.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 13, 2017, 11:18:18 PM
Steph, I am proud of you for finding ways to rise above your pain and thinking of ways to correct the situation if/when it happens again. I agree that pushing too hard can be counter productive. Approaching it discretely and with the sensitively you talk about will likely have a better outcome. It will display a higher level of emotional maturity on your part and make it more probable that the listener would follow your lead and respect your wishes.

I very much hope you are feeling better. I am following this thread with great interest. You are further ahead in your transition than I am. You give me great hope that my transition goes as well as yours is going. You also have a very cool hobby...[emoji4]

Jayne



(https://tickers.tickerfactory.com/ezt/d/4;33;6/st/20170906/e/Starting+HRT/dt/-8/k/b5a3/event.png)
(https://www.tickerfactory.com/)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 13, 2017, 11:32:01 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 13, 2017, 06:45:29 PM
Like everyone else I was dismayed to read your account of your lunch encounter. I wish it could have been better for you but the reality of it is you are going to have some of these encounters and all you can do is pick yourself up and carry on. Dwelling on your woes will do you know good. But accepting that it is going to happen will make you stronger.
  Now girl are you going to let little disappointment like this cause you to crash and burn? Or are you going to pick your hurt feelings up and fly like an eagle? I'd much rather see you fly girl.

((hugs))

Hi Laurie,

I was hoping you'd check in. I worry when you get too quiet.

I haven't figured out why it got to me the way it did. It's curious that it's about 3 1/2 weeks since my last meltdown. I have a hard time believing it's a cyclic thing, though my neighbors said, "Welcome to our world, girl." I went back and looked up the dates of meltdowns bad enough to write about. I started with the first bad one on August 30th and added 3.5 weeks. Nothing noted there. Added 3.5 weeks to that and hit dead on October 18th, a documented meltdown day. 3.5 weeks after that brings us to the current one. There's no cycle to my HRT, it's all very steady dosages, but there's no denying the weird timing.

August 30th - three day meltdown
September 23rd - nothing noted. Don't remember what happened that day, if anything.
October 18th - the "old man in reflection" meltdown
November 12-13th - current "misgendering" meltdown

That puts the next cycle around December 8th. I'll be watching closely.

My friend Dee texts me at least once a day to share how things are going for her and to check on me. She lives about a half hour away, and when she found out I was hurting she jumped in her car and drove right over. She has BTDT, being trans herself. We talked for hours. In the middle of it all my friends who had taken me to Disney dropped by, and added their support and help to Dee's. Though I didn't have a complete solution worked out, I did feel better when they left. Later in the day, when I felt well enough to get out of the house and take my dog for a walk, I ran across a couple of my neighbors (women who are very supportive) and I felt even better after talking with them. So maybe I'm on the upswing.

I guess it's a matter of "What doesn't kill me just maims me stronger." Or something like that.

Oh look: A stupid joke. Maybe I am getting better.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 13, 2017, 11:44:52 PM
  I'm right here Steph(anie). Even if I have little or nothing to contribute I'm here reading. Your tale is one of the ones I make sure I read. Sometimes it is just best for everyone if I keep quiet.

Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 14, 2017, 12:19:15 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 13, 2017, 11:18:18 PM
Steph, I am proud of you for finding ways to rise above your pain and thinking of ways to correct the situation if/when it happens again. I agree that pushing too hard can be counter productive. Approaching it discretely and with the sensitively you talk about will likely have a better outcome. It will display a higher level of emotional maturity on your part and make it more probable that the listener would follow your lead and respect your wishes.

I very much hope you are feeling better. I am following this thread with great interest. You are further ahead in your transition than I am. You give me great hope that my transition goes as well as yours is going. You also have a very cool hobby...[emoji4]

Thanks Jayne. I got a lot of good advice and hugs today, and things are getting better. And look, my Kleenex stock went up again!

As for the hobby: go get your biennial and get back in the air, girl! (I assume they require that in Australia.) You know you want it! Come on, everybody's doing it...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 14, 2017, 03:42:13 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 14, 2017, 12:19:15 AM
As for the hobby: go get your biennial and get back in the air, girl! (I assume they require that in Australia.) You know you want it! Come on, everybody's doing it...

Steph
Yes we do have biennials here. My medical is also long overdue. There will be some initial extra expenses with some lessons so I can catch up and become proficient again. It has been well over 10 years since I've been at the controls. So unfortunately the hobby will have to remain on pause for a little while longer until I get myself healed some more. But fear not, it is back in my sights and I will be back in the air as soon as I can. In the meantime I will continue to read your tales with much interest and maybe a hint of envy.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on November 14, 2017, 05:41:56 AM
Steph I'm so sorry for your experience with friends/acquaintances. My friends are really good with both name and gender and I'm lucky to be working in a large research university where people are both clueful and friendly. The person with the worst deadnaming is unfortunately my GF and she works hard at it when she can. I would recommend against the name/gender cards. I prefer to simply give a gentle reminder, usually then and there, sometimes later but I find these things are better face to face.

Unfortunately I shared a lot of your growing up experiences. Sitting alone in the woods, yep btdt. Of course it had to do with being trans. Our brains were shaped in utero and we were who we are then.

Unfortunately I had done have a very long conversation, cut into 2 different days with my daughter who'd been one of the most supportive people in my life -- asked simple direct questions and expressed her fears and concerns in I statements. Well, it turns out that me wearing a dress was triggering for her and we had to have bridge a lot if old and new baggage.

And unfortunately, every new set of people we present ourselves to en femme is going to be a new experience. I find once I'd done it enough times it got better. I don't think you're overreacting, you feel what you feel and on the other hand only you can temper your response to stress situations. My only bit of advice is don't let those times take you into your past. You're not that little kid in school anymore. I've had to put in untold hours of therapy and practice healing myself from that past and realizing that it never goes away and yet I can learn not to give it power in my present.

You're aiming for the harder path in the short run, that of passing. The way things look, I'll be spending the rest of my life being taken as male by most people. When I can afford minoxidil, I'll see if I can work on the baldness. Who knows, if that works, maybe I'll address the face, meantime it's all tbd.

Hugs,

S
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 14, 2017, 04:50:21 PM
Quote from: SadieBlake on November 14, 2017, 05:41:56 AMMy only bit of advice is don't let those times take you into your past. You're not that little kid in school anymore. I've had to put in untold hours of therapy and practice healing myself from that past and realizing that it never goes away and yet I can learn not to give it power in my present.

Thanks for the feedback Sadie. I was carrying a lot of resentment for over forty years for the way I was treated back then, and I found that the newfound clarity that came with HRT allowed me to think through those times and finally come to a resolution, which included forgiving those who hurt me way back then. I have enough baggage to deal with without carrying all that dead weight, too. I definitely feel lighter without it.

QuoteYou're aiming for the harder path in the short run, that of passing. The way things look, I'll be spending the rest of my life being taken as male by most people. When I can afford minoxidil, I'll see if I can work on the baldness. Who knows, if that works, maybe I'll address the face, meantime it's all tbd.

I know a lot of people say passing shouldn't be the be-all and end-all of transitioning, but for me personally it's a very important aspect. If you read some of my earlier entries, many of them, like my time at Disney, were tests to see how well I was doing in that respect. Without actually collaring people and asking them point-blank who they were seeing, it seemed like I was doing well. I don't know what I'd be doing now if I hadn't passed those tests to my satisfaction. Maybe I could have grown that Rhino Skin that Tom Petty referred to, and pressed on, but I suspect I would be slowing way down in my transition race.

As for the minoxidil, either that or the finasteride, or both, are actually making some significant headway for me. I can no longer feel skin when I touch my crown, just light hair. I would definitely give it a try. For reference, I've been using OTC topical minoxidil since the end of February, and finasteride since the middle of September.

I hope things work out well between you and your daughter.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 14, 2017, 05:03:13 PM
Just got the results of my last blood tests. E was at 58 pg/mL three months ago before the dosages were increased, and they're at 116 now. What should I be looking for? I tried looking them up, but of course they vary throughout the cycle, and I'm not sure what the doctor is trying to match.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 14, 2017, 05:15:52 PM
The Royal College of Phychiatrists good practice for GD treatment guide states E should be in the range:

"300–400 pmol/l or  80–140 pg/ ml"

20 hours should be left between last dose and sample being taken. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 14, 2017, 07:15:37 PM
Quote from: Megan. on November 14, 2017, 05:15:52 PM
The Royal College of Phychiatrists good practice for GD treatment guide states E should be in the range:

"300–400 pmol/l or  80–140 pg/ ml"

20 hours should be left between last dose and sample being taken.

Thanks, Megan. At 116 it looks like I'm not doing too badly, but I'll see if he's willing to give it one more bump. Interesting that that they gave me no direction to be off the oral estradiol for any time. I think it had been about 8 hours since my last dose.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 14, 2017, 07:41:53 PM
  I think the major problems we face is doctors haven't been giving us any guidance of when our last dose should be before  levels are checked. I know my doctor has never given me any such directions.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 14, 2017, 10:33:12 PM
It's possible that this more properly belongs over on the religion forum, but as it directly impacts my transition, I'm going to post it here. It's not my goal to debate religion, just relate how someone who thought he was doing a good deed ruined my day.

Today I had to endure an hour of one of my friends, who I'll call Jay, attempting to convert me from my atheism to his Pentecostalism. I made the mistake of telling him my views back when I came out to him and he wanted to take me to his faith healers to fix my depression. I had to tell him that since I'd started transitioning the depression was gone and there was nothing to fix. Unfortunately as I was explaining things I told him I considered myself to be a secular humanist and atheist.

So today he did his best to convert me. Pretty traumatic, especially when he told me that all my friends were Christians and would withdraw from me as a non-believer. After going through the fear of losing everyone because of my trans condition, and weathering it ok, I didn't need to hear that, especially after the last two hard days I'd had. In tears I called another friend of mine, Tee, who is also religious, and he got really angry that the other guy would tell me such things. He assured me that wasn't true, but I've got to say, it just drove the wedge deeper between me and religion.

I told him that I respected his sincerely held beliefs as his own, but asked him to respect mine as well, which are just as sincere. No amount of logic or humanity can move people like that. Though we parted on reasonably good terms, with him telling me that he loved me and would pray for me, I'll be extremely wary of him from now on.

He's new to all this, and is living in an echo chamber which is little different from a cult. Tee, who, though religious, is deeply thoughtful and respectful, dislikes that kind of religion as much as I now do. Tee calls the other guy a "baby Christian" and says those types are overzealous and do more damage than they fix. That was certainly the case here. After recovering from my weekend blues I was thrown back into them again, albeit just for a couple hours. After talking with Tee I managed to get stabilized again, and now I'm just angry.

I'm too nice for my own good. I should have thrown him off my property.

Sorry to vent...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 14, 2017, 10:38:54 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 14, 2017, 07:41:53 PM
  I think the major problems we face is doctors haven't been giving us any guidance of when our last dose should be before  levels are checked. I know my doctor has never given me any such directions.

i didn't even realize it mattered until I saw Megan's post. Maybe it doesn't? I'll try to remember to ask my endo when I see him next week.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 14, 2017, 10:44:29 PM
Steph(anie)

  I am sorry you had to endure this person.

  All I can safely say about people that practice religion such as he does, is that I can't say anything here about people that practice religion such as he does.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 14, 2017, 10:45:51 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 14, 2017, 10:44:29 PM
Steph(anie)

  I am sorry you had to endure this person.

  All I can safely say about people that practice religion such as he does, is that I can't say anything here about people that practice religion such as he does.

A good safe position, and message received and understood!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 15, 2017, 12:11:08 AM
Steph,  sorry to hear about your experience with your friend,  but glad Tee gave you a better message.
On the issue of having a break between dose and bloods,  the half-life of oral E is around 14-16 hours, hence the guidance. No person I know has ever been given this guidance either,  very frustrating,  but I'll be educating my GP when i next see them. [emoji5]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on November 15, 2017, 12:26:08 AM
QuoteI know a lot of people say passing shouldn't be the be-all and end-all of transitioning

I never say "should", especially about transitioning and sexuality. I'd give my eye teeth to pass, it's just not in the cards right now.

My estradiol level runs 210-260 pg/ml. My endocrinologist is happy with those numbers which are easy to hit as I take it IM. I usually make sure to get tested on day 3 of my weekly injection cycle, though my most recent test was on day 6 and I was still at 180.

As for your interlocutor, I wouldn't have been as polite. There is such a thing as being too kind and making out that you'll lose friends over not conforming to religious norms is just plain nasty.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 15, 2017, 05:28:00 AM
Steph, I am sorry this person ruined your day with his disrespect of your beliefs. As far as I can tell, there is nothing that needs fixing. You are a wonderful, caring human being trying to live your life to the fullest after living all your life with a very stress inducing medical condition. You should be celebrated for the person you are, not "cured". And any friends that would distance themselves simply because you happen to be trans probably aren't the kind of friends you want anyway.

I'm glad Tee was able to help comfort you.

Try not to waste too much energy being angry, you are too nice and Jay isn't worth getting yourself upset. He is too deeply into his religion to see outside of his little bubble.

Also, you don't need to apologise for venting. If you can't vent here, where can you vent? Vent all you need to.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 15, 2017, 06:26:44 AM
Steph, I am sorry to had to listen to that stuff.  About all you can do with lost souls like that guy is to stay away from them and vent your frustrations somewhere safe.  Never apologize for venting here!  We all need to do it from time to time.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 15, 2017, 10:20:22 AM
I've had the night to reflect, and I've come to realize that something Tee told me may be very true. He said if Jay attempted to distance himself and others from me because of my (non)religious beliefs, he would be surprised to find himself as the one alone.

Jayne, as far as I can tell, this has very little to do with my transition. It's all about my atheism. The only connection is I mentioned being atheist when I came out to him.

He is, however, hard core old school. Though he says he supports me, he thinks trans jokes are hilarious. He was a pilot for a large airline, and he likes to tell me about another pilot who transitioned on the job (I think she might actually be Jessica Taylor), while continually misgendering her. At one point while he was talking about "him" I stopped him and asked, "Wait, this person transitioned from male to female, right?" When he said yeah, I said "OK, so it's "she" now, right?" He agreed, no embarrassment, used "she" a few times, then was right back to "he." He can't remember, but he's told me the story twice now about how she had to use her male voice to be heard above the ramp noise when talking to the ground crew. He thinks that's the most hilarious thing he's ever heard.

I did sit across from him last night at our flying club meeting and everything was friendly. He was chairman of the nominating committee for our biennial election for officers, and led the vote that kept me as president of the chapter. I had actually offered to resign because I worried that having me in the position would damage the club. We are well regarded for the great breakfast fly-ins we host a few times a year, and the last thing I want is for the club to become known as the one run by "that trans freak." I was gratified that everyone, including Jay, insisted that I remain president, and if anyone else didn't like it, they didn't have to come to our fly-ins. I ran unopposed. Of course, some of it has to do with the fact that we're all lazy pilots, and nobody else wants the job. 🤨

Anyway, here's my current dilemma, and would really appreciate everyone's feedback. Jay and his wife are hosting a huge party in December to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. My wife and I, along with all our friends, are invited. I'm trying to decide if I should go. On the one hand, I'm uncomfortable around this guy now, and feel a little hypocritical to go and eat his food. On the other hand, if I don't go, I would be fulfilling his prophecy of being isolated from my friends. I'm leaning toward giving him the mental finger and having fun with my friends. I would have to get my courage topped up, because if I go at all, it will be as Stephanie. What do you think?

Steph

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 15, 2017, 10:25:17 AM
I'd go and eat him out of house and home (while looking uber glamorous), and have lots of fun doing it... But that's just me [emoji16]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 15, 2017, 10:27:43 AM
Quote from: Megan. on November 15, 2017, 10:25:17 AM
I'd go and eat him out of house and home (while looking uber glamorous), and have lots of fun doing it... But that's just me [emoji16]

I like it! Of course, you've got the advantage of already being uber glamorous (your new avatar pic is awesome!). But I'll do the best I can.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 15, 2017, 01:00:44 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 15, 2017, 10:20:22 AM
He can't remember, but he's told me the story twice now about how she had to use her male voice to be heard above the ramp noise when talking to the ground crew. He thinks that's the most hilarious thing he's ever heard.
What a jerk!

Quote
We are well regarded for the great breakfast fly-ins we host a few times a year, and the last thing I want is for the club to become known as the one run by "that trans freak."
I don't want to hear any more of that kind of thinking. Yes, you are trans, but a freak ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! You are the president of the club and host great fly-ins, end of story.

Quote
Anyway, here's my current dilemma, and would really appreciate everyone's feedback. Jay and his wife are hosting a huge party in December to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. My wife and I, along with all our friends, are invited. I'm trying to decide if I should go. On the one hand, I'm uncomfortable around this guy now, and feel a little hypocritical to go and eat his food. On the other hand, if I don't go, I would be fulfilling his prophecy of being isolated from my friends. I'm leaning toward giving him the mental finger and having fun with my friends.
I think you should go and have a great time. If for no other reason than to prove to him that you are above judging people based on their religion.

Although you may not be close friends and he can clearly be a real jerk with trans issues, you seem to have a civil relationship with common interests in your flying. So have a good time.

Quote
I would have to get my courage topped up, because if I go at all, it will be as Stephanie.
Of course you would go as Stephanie, who else would you go as? Unless it's a costume party and decide to go as Supergirl or one of Santa's elves. [emoji846]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 15, 2017, 02:25:16 PM
I think you should go, and... with your wife right there, flirt with him.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 15, 2017, 02:43:26 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 15, 2017, 02:25:16 PM
I think you should go, and... with your wife right there, flirt with him.
Welp, there goes my dinner. 🤮
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 15, 2017, 03:04:21 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 15, 2017, 01:00:44 PM
I don't want to hear any more of that kind of thinking. Yes, you are trans, but a freak ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! You are the president of the club and host great fly-ins, end of story.

Oh, don't get me wrong. While I used to think I was a freak before I got smart, I certainly do not now. It's why I put the term in quotes. It seems that no matter how I fight it, I still worry too much about what other people think, and that's one of the tags I was afraid would be put on the club by other people. Now that I know that none of my friends call me a freak, and would reject anyone who does, most of my worry about the club is gone.

I say "most of" because I'm reaching the conclusion that this tendency to care too much about how other people see me is an integral part of my personality, and will never go away. My therapist, my wife, and plenty of others tell me to keep that "mental finger" ready to flip any time, but it's not an easy thing for me. I'll keep working on it.

Quote
Of course you would go as Stephanie, who else would you go as?

Well they've seen me a few times in female mode, but since most of our get together are informal, always just jeans and a nice top. I haven't checked on the dress code yet, but I'm considering a skirt or maybe even a dress for the first time. I'm starting to sweat thinking about it. Yikes!

Sweaty Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 15, 2017, 03:35:16 PM
You will be fine! Just think of how many people have accepted you whole heartedly. You are a great person who is smart and interesting and caring. If you don't have the confidence right away, just fake it until the confidence comes naturally.

As for what to wear, check the dress code and then wear whatever you feel most comfortable with. And most importantly, just be yourself.

I hope you do end up going to the party and that you have a great time. It will be a good boost to your confidence to just be yourself at a large social gathering.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 15, 2017, 08:10:26 PM
I think you should go.  Dress nicely, be glamourous, and have a good time.  Happiness is the best revenge.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on November 16, 2017, 04:04:26 AM
Go have fun...as Stephanie...A girl needs to get out every now and then. Don't give him the satisfaction...enjoy yourself, the best thing you can do is be you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 04:06:32 AM
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I will definitely be going. Just how glamorous I'll be remains to be seen. This isn't an evening affair at a nice place, just an afternoon BBQ in a friend's hangar.

Tonight helped ease some of my fears. We were all invited to a chili party at one of the neighbor's, and while I wasn't what I'd call glamorous, I was definitely in female mode with no effort toward moderating my look to hide who I am now. And everything was fine. Oh heck, it was better than fine: it was normal. I was carrying a heavy crockpot full of mulled cider I'd brought, and had to parade it past everyone on the way in. There was no sneaking in a back door, so I sucked it up and was just myself. And was greeted with, "Hey, Steph!" And that's the way it went all night. While most of them have already gotten the hang of using my correct name, I could see a conscious effort being made to avoid misgendering. And they got it right about 90% of the time. How cool!

The best part, though, is when the group inevitably split up, and the guys gravitated to one table and the girls to another. And somehow, with no effort on my part, I ended up at the girl's table. I was in the same chair I'd used all night, and suddenly realized there were no guys around me - they were all out in the kitchen. And everyone acted like I was where I belonged. While we sat there arrangements were made to start a weekly potluck dinner, hosted by the women in each home around the neighborhood, and they wanted to know which date I wanted to do it. What an incredibly warm feeling it was to be unquestioningly included in that circle. I didn't feel it too deeply then, but now I'm getting all verklempt.

It's interesting that I think I would have been just as comfortable at the other table talking about airplanes. What a strange, in-between world I'm inhabiting these days. I didn't want to be at that table though, since the religious guy was there, and while we were still friendly, I'm keeping some distance between us. His wife, on the other hand, was at the girl's table with me, and was pretty cool about everything.

So anyway, that experience has made me a lot more comfortable with everyone I know. Understanding that they're OK with my presentation now will make it easier to deal with the other people who I don't know who'll be at the upcoming big party.

Thank you all for shepherding me through this recent rough patch. You're the best!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 16, 2017, 06:38:38 AM
Sounds like a top night, and that the opportunity to socialize with other women was greatly enjoyed. It is interesting interacting in those mixed-gender social groups that knew our previous selves, seeing others reactions, and own own, very enlightening. X
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 16, 2017, 01:23:57 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 04:06:32 AM
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I will definitely be going. Just how glamorous I'll be remains to be seen. This isn't an evening affair at a nice place, just an afternoon BBQ in a friend's hangar.

One thing I'm figuring out (and I'm certainly not an expert) is shoes matter a lot.  Formal shoes can make jeans & casual shirt look relatively formal.  For this sort of thing, and to make just enough splash, I'd wear something like a long black dress or something else a bit formal and flashy but with casual shoes.  Basic sandals can make a formal dress suddenly casual enough for a BBQ. 

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 02:53:03 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 16, 2017, 01:23:57 PM
One thing I'm figuring out (and I'm certainly not an expert) is shoes matter a lot.  Formal shoes can make jeans & casual shirt look relatively formal.  For this sort of thing, and to make just enough splash, I'd wear something like a long black dress or something else a bit formal and flashy but with casual shoes.  Basic sandals can make a formal dress suddenly casual enough for a BBQ.

If only I were 5'9" I could go as a long cool woman in a black dress. As it is I'd be a short sweaty one.

I do have a black sundress that comes to just below my knees, but couldn't really wear it once I found out that spaghetti straps accentuate wide shoulders. Then I came up with the idea of wearing a black cardigan or suit jacket over it. Pretty snazzy!

I think, though, for this event I'll be a bit more conservative. After all, it's not all about me, it's about them being married for 50 years. Strange to think they got married about the time I realized I was trans.

I plan to have a coming out party when I get my name change court order. I'm thinking of saving my sundress/jacket combo for that. That one will definitely be all about me.

Hmmm. Wonder if we can get Laurie to take a road trip to Florida for a party? She could pick a bunch of you up on the way. You might have to sit in the back of the truck, but it'll be worth it.

Thanks for the advice. I've still got oodles to learn.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 16, 2017, 06:55:02 PM
  I've got a long sleeve cold shoulder red dress you can borrow. I think it's below the keen in length and would look good with my high boots with 3 1/2 ' stiletto heels. You could strut your stuff. It might be a bit big for you though as you're a skinny Minnie

(https://i.imgur.com/WNxJ7ll.jpg?1)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 08:32:17 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 16, 2017, 06:55:02 PM
  I've got a long sleeve cold shoulder red dress you can borrow. I think it's below the keen in length and would look good with my high boots with 3 1/2 ' stiletto heels. You could strut your stuff. It might be a bit big for you though as you're a skinny Minnie

(https://i.imgur.com/WNxJ7ll.jpg?1)

Woo! Hotchacha! I don't have the nerve for that!

I'm usually size 12-14 top, 8 bottom. Damn wide shoulders...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 08:47:14 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 16, 2017, 06:55:02 PM
  I've got a long sleeve cold shoulder red dress you can borrow.

It does bring up a question. I've been avoiding tank tops and spaghetti straps because of my wide shoulders. How do "cold shoulder" styles fit into that formula?

Oh, and Laurie, I'll make you a deal. If that dress fits, and you drive it here and smile at me, I'll wear it!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 16, 2017, 09:07:50 PM
  You're safe Steph(anie) it is too big for you. It's an extra large. I wear an 18 or XL or a 1X. Some brands even a XXL works. Pants are a 14 and loose in the thigh and hip. I've got too fat of a beer belly to fit clothes properly.
  So I save gas money. Besides I can't go on a trip until I change the oil (needed to be changed on my way home from the trip) and I still need to get the 4wd drive fixed.  Between being a procrastinator and other things,  I haven't been in the mood to get much of anything done.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 09:15:18 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 16, 2017, 09:07:50 PM
  You're safe Steph(anie) it is too big for you. It's an extra large. I wear an 18 or XL or a 1X. Some brands even a XXL works. Pants are a 14 and loose in the thigh and hip. I've got too fat of a beer belly to fit clothes properly.
  So I save gas money. Besides I can't go on a trip until I change the oil (needed to be changed on my way home from the trip) and I still need to get the 4wd drive fixed.  Between being a procrastinator and other things,  I haven't been in the mood to get much of anything done.
Dang. Can't say I didn't try! Not likely you'll ever see me in stilettos, but a red dress... yeah, maybe some day.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 09:44:57 PM
And so it begins...

As mentioned earlier, I was just voted back in as president of our flying club. We're a chapter of the Experimental Aircraft Association, and have to refile our club documents every year. I started the process today, then realized there was no way to update my name in their profile information. So, for the first time, I contacted an outside organization, told them I was transgender, and asked to have my name changed. No comments from the guy I was emailing about it other than, "Okay!  I have everything all set for you now. You should see the name change on the January issue."

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/qdir3mji1kspe2x/EAAprofile.jpg?raw=1)

I'm so geeked I can hardly stand it!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on November 16, 2017, 09:59:19 PM
So cool! Congratulations! That's one small step for them, one giant leap for Steph!

Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 09:44:57 PM
And so it begins...

As mentioned earlier, I was just voted back in as president of our flying club. We're a chapter of the Experimental Aircraft Association, and have to refile our club documents every year. I started the process today, then realized there was no way to update my name in their profile information. So, for the first time, I contacted an outside organization, told them I was transgender, and asked to have my name changed. No comments from the guy I was emailing about it other than, "Okay!  I have everything all set for you now. You should see the name change on the January issue."

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/qdir3mji1kspe2x/EAAprofile.jpg?raw=1)

I'm so geeked I can hardly stand it!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 16, 2017, 10:08:41 PM
Steph that is AWESOME! I am so happy for you. I now want to rejoin the EAA just so I can receive a copy of the magazine. [emoji106][emoji106][emoji106]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 10:35:09 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 16, 2017, 10:08:41 PM
Steph that is AWESOME! I am so happy for you. I now want to rejoin the EAA just so I can receive a copy of the magazine. [emoji106][emoji106][emoji106]
I hope I'm not featured in it! [emoji15]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 16, 2017, 10:37:18 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 10:35:09 PM
I hope I'm not featured in it! [emoji15]
You mean the article about that awesome chick running the Florida chapter known for its great breakfast fly-ins?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 10:39:20 PM
Quote from: sarah1972 on November 16, 2017, 09:59:19 PM
So cool! Congratulations! That's one small step for them, one giant leap for Steph!
Yeah, Sarah, that was a giant leap. I typed out that email with the "T" word in it, and dithered for probably an hour before I clicked Send. It was tough, but now the next one will be easier. I think I'll tackle the credit cards next. Kendra had great advice about that.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 16, 2017, 11:08:15 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 16, 2017, 10:37:18 PM
You mean the article about that awesome chick running the Florida chapter known for its great breakfast fly-ins?

Oh dearie me, y'all are turnin' my head!  I'm gettin' all dewy.

Bless your heart!

:icon_redface:
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 17, 2017, 12:32:24 PM
Having a great day! Went to my followup appointment with my endo and she upped the dose on my estradiol. Now I'm out to lunch in downtown Orlando, looking fabulous and feeling wonderful. I'm smiling at everyone and they're smiling back. Life is awesome today!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171117/562290b7aeae590d8491b31d0b2f2151.jpg)

Happy Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 17, 2017, 12:48:45 PM
  Happy is good and it suits you well in your picture.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 17, 2017, 12:58:22 PM
Smiling and looking fabulous with it. Enjoy the extra E! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: The Flying Lemur on November 17, 2017, 05:08:32 PM
COngratulations, Steph!  I'm glad that things are going well!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 17, 2017, 05:12:55 PM
Looking good Steph!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 17, 2017, 05:53:26 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 17, 2017, 12:32:24 PM
Having a great day! Went to my followup appointment with my endo and she upped the dose on my estradiol. Now I'm out to lunch in downtown Orlando, looking fabulous and feeling wonderful. I'm smiling at everyone and they're smiling back. Life is awesome today!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171117/562290b7aeae590d8491b31d0b2f2151.jpg)

Happy Steph
Let's hear it for awesome days!  You sure look awesome.  I love the look!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 17, 2017, 11:40:50 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 17, 2017, 12:32:24 PM
Having a great day! Went to my followup appointment with my endo and she upped the dose on my estradiol. Now I'm out to lunch in downtown Orlando, looking fabulous and feeling wonderful. I'm smiling at everyone and they're smiling back. Life is awesome today!

Kathy, thanks for the compliment. You can't see too much in the pic. I was wearing jeans, some nice flats, a teal v-neck 3/4 sleeve top, a long black cable-knit cardigan, that colorful scarf, and my favorite straw hat. I love that look, too! I love this cooler weather so I can try out more than just shorts and t-shirts.

The adventures I'd already mentioned were cool, but oh my gosh, there was so much more!

I hadn't mentioned that my endo had told they use a local pharmacy that gives them good discounts, and I might want to give them a call. I realized when I left that they were only five minutes away, so I just drove there. A cute young lady met me at the counter and after a nice discussion I moved all my prescriptions to them. I only need to call and they'll overnight them to me. A big improvement over the mail order pharmacy my insurer uses, which takes at least two weeks to get refills out. A couple of times I've run out before I get them. So that's cool. But the kicker was when she gave me a big smile and said, "We'll be looking forward to your call, Steph." Warm fuzzies!

After my lunch where everyone treated me so nice, even when I had to hand over my "Stephen" credit card, I went to Target, hoping to find some nice boots to go with a western skirt and a sweater I don't have shoes for. No luck, but I did buy some bracelets, and earrings for when I get the ok to take out the starter studs, which should be this weekend. I also tried some skinny jeans, but I'm afraid they don't work for this old lady, at least until the anatomy fits a little better. It was still cool, though, because the lady at the fitting room has to count how many items you're taking in, and after checking she said, "You can go right on in, Ma'am." When I dropped them off on the way out, she said she was sorry they didn't work out...

From there I attacked the male bastion of Home Depot, my old stomping grounds where I used to be so comfortable. I felt like an enemy spy, afraid the sirens were going to go off and the spotlights were going to focus on me. But nuthin'. I found the 1/2" sanding drums for my dremel, and to avoid notice I went to the self-checkout. Of course I walked up to the one with Windows error messages on the screen that said "Please Wait." So I did - until one of the guys with an orange apron walked over and said, "Ma'am, that one's still loading, use this one over here" as he lead me to a different one. Then during the checkout the main screen asked for a PO number while the credit card reader said "Processing." Not needing a P.O., I ignored it and waited for the processing to finish, and a different guy came over to point out it wouldn't finish until something was entered. He typed in a zero and said "There you go, ma'am." Well, so much for avoiding notice, but it worked out great anyway. And he probably felt good for helping a damsel in distress.

From there, on to Kohl's, where I found some different jeans, looked at bras (but refused to pay $38 for one), and had to wait in line with a bunch of other ladies, and no drama ensued. I like Kohl's because I can pay with my watch, and nobody has to see my credit card. On the way out the cashier said, "Have a nice day, dear!" Oh, I am...

Then another big one: I had neglected to contact one of my flying buddies who I'd had many adventures with 15-20 years ago to let him know what was going on. We flew our ultralights together from Michigan to Florida when both moved down here, and before then had enjoyed many other flights together with the group we flew with. He was floored when he found out through my Facebook coming out adventure, but both he and his wonderful wife had pledged their support. My route today was going right by their house, so I texted him to see if I could stop by. I told him if he would rather I not, I understood, and no hard feelings. Of course he wanted to see me! And we had a wonderful visit. They were both so happy that I'm happy. That's the definition of true friends.

And there was one more thing to top off the day. Every Friday I go see doctor Chrystal at Pizza Hut to fill my weekly vitamin P prescription. I order through their tablet app, and about a month ago I changed my name in my profile to "Steph." For a few weeks after that my wife stopped in to pick it up for me, and last week was the first time I did it myself since I'd made the change. These folks are the best at customer service I've ever seen, always cheerful and greeting you as you walk in, but unfortunately last week, it was the usual, "How are you doing tonight, sir?" Not their fault, really, I was dressed kind of androgynously.

But today there could be no mistake about my presentation. I don't know why I was so nervous. I'm just buying pizza from them. I've just gotten to know and like Chrystal, and I was worried about her reaction. She usually recognizes my car and has the prescription on the counter by the time I get inside, but this time I parked off to the side so she didn't see me coming. I walked in, got a bit of a confused smile, and a "Hi!" (no pronouns) but she obviously knew it was me and pulled out my pizza. Same old routine, open it up to make sure it's right, take the credit card, sign the receipt. A little more quiet than usual, but the same good service. I had been going to say something like, "Well, this is me, now," but instead I said, "Thanks for being so cool." She smiled and said, "You have a nice day, now."

And I did.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 18, 2017, 12:18:06 AM
 I am glad you had such an enjoyable day Steph(anie)

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 18, 2017, 12:50:36 AM
Jayne, Ben, Megan, Kathy, and especially Laurie,

I wish I could catch some of this joy that's running over and pass it on to you all. The meltdown last weekend seems like it was someone else, now. Sorry for whipsawing everyone.

Tomorrow I'm going to what is being called a "Trans Fashion Show" by the support organization that's hosting it. It's an afternoon of seminars, forums, and learning sessions for things like makeup, wig care, clothing, name changes, job interviews, etc. I'm most interested in the makeup lessons. I'll see a bunch of friends I've made there, and I'm sure it'll be fun.

Remember the commercial breaks for Johnny Carson?
More to Come!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 18, 2017, 06:51:32 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 18, 2017, 12:50:36 AM
I wish I could catch some of this joy that's running over and pass it on to you all.
Don't worry, Steph, you are doing a good job of passing it on.   I get a delicious warm fuzzy buzz from reading this thread.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 18, 2017, 07:41:00 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 18, 2017, 12:50:36 AM
I wish I could catch some of this joy that's running over and pass it on to you all. The meltdown last weekend seems like it was someone else, now. Sorry for whipsawing everyone.
Oh don't worry about that Steph. Your joy is contagious. I usually read your posts several times to make sure I haven't missed anything. I am so happy things are going so well for you. I know what you mean about the meltdown feeling like it was someone else. After I have bounced back from a meltdown, I find it hard to believe that I am the same person that was previously a complete wreck. It's probably a good idea to remember how good you feel now so that if/when another meltdown happens you know that it will pass and the joy will return.

Have fun at the Trans Fashion Show. I wonder if we have anything like that here. I don't know the first thing about makeup and my wife doesn't wear any so she can't really teach me anything. I'll be interested to know how it went.

Once again, I am very happy for all the joy you are feeling. Some of it has definitely rubbed of on me. Thank you!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 18, 2017, 09:30:37 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 18, 2017, 07:41:00 AM
Oh don't worry about that Steph. Your joy is contagious. I usually read your posts several times to make sure I haven't missed anything. I am so happy things are going so well for you. I know what you mean about the meltdown feeling like it was someone else. After I have bounced back from a meltdown, I find it hard to believe that I am the same person that was previously a complete wreck. It's probably a good idea to remember how good you feel now so that if/when another meltdown happens you know that it will pass and the joy will return.

Oh yeah, I knew that I had been happy. But just like physical pain, you know you had it, but the memory doesn't let you actually feel it (that's a good thing with pain). The best you can do is tell yourself that you will feel it again, after you get through the current mess.

QuoteHave fun at the Trans Fashion Show. I wonder if we have anything like that here. I don't know the first thing about makeup and my wife doesn't wear any so she can't really teach me anything. I'll be interested to know how it went.

I mistitled it. They're actually calling it an Expo, not Show. I was hoping it wouldn't involve a catwalk. But it doesn't matter. The plane I've had custody of will be going home tomorrow or Monday, and the weather is too beautiful. I'm going flying instead. While my wife, like yours, doesn't use makeup, I found out a friend of mine used to work as a cosmetologist, and she wants me to come over for a lesson. So I get to fly and get free makeup lessons. Works for me!

And to be honest, I used to need such get-togethers just so I could feel comfortable as myself and be among "my kind." But I'm finding that as I work deeper into my RLE and have found acceptance by those I'm already close with, the need for that kind of interaction is going away. I have made a few friends there, some whom are actually pretty special, and still intend to attend social events occasionally, but they're becoming integrated into my regular life now, instead of being something that takes precedence over everything else. I feel like things are much more balanced now. I guess I'm sliding slowly from having transness being the overwhelming thing in my life, into just living authentically, with being trans just another aspect of my personality. I suspect that's what we all want, ultimately.

QuoteOnce again, I am very happy for all the joy you are feeling. Some of it has definitely rubbed of on me. Thank you!

And thank you! We all pass our happiness on to each other when we have extra. Joy is a slippery thing to get hold of, but hopefully as we pass it around, it sticks a little bit. It's a viscous circle! (Pun very much intended.)

Kendra! You're up!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 18, 2017, 10:07:26 AM
Enjoy your makeover Steph(anie)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 18, 2017, 02:54:17 PM
Steph this is just plane great!  You quickly recovered from last week's stall, more than makeup for any turbulence.  Now you're enjoying a gracefully balanced glide path.  Props to you.

Joy stick.  I've filed paperwork for a modified flight plan with a January 18 takeoff.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 18, 2017, 03:40:10 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 18, 2017, 02:54:17 PM
Steph this is just plane great!  You quickly recovered from last week's stall, more than makeup for any turbulence.  Now you're enjoying a gracefully balanced glide path.  Props to you.

Joy stick.  I've filed paperwork for a modified flight plan with a January 18 takeoff.

I am so incredibly happy for you that you'll be switching from a stick to a yoke when you fly! Me too some day.

Funny we should be using flying metaphors. Sue and I just flew out to a cool restaurant for an early dinner. Two cool chicks out for a flight, and the waitress is treating us ladies very well.

By the way, we weren't in the cockpit. It's now called the box office.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171118/566ba942fca663ea3a6d7aa7d5e75f0d.jpg)

Steph the Badass Aviatrix
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 08:22:39 AM
A neighbor who's been away for a year finally made it back yesterday, and it wasn't until a few days ago that she realized what I've been doing with my life. I suddenly got a bunch of long text messages about how she thought it was so cool that I was taking charge of being happy, and couldn't wait to meet the new me.

So last night my wife and I and our scurvy dawg did the Welcome Wagon thing and visited with her. She was happy happy to see us, and after talking about a bunch of things, the conversation inevitably came round to my situation. As I end up telling everyone, "But enough about myself. Let's talk about me."

Two things stand out that topped off another outstanding day. I had mentioned that I felt lucky (finally, after hating it for so long) to be only 5'5" and 140 lbs. She responded that it was good that I had delicate facial features, too. I never thought that was the case, but I was happy to hear it.

Then later when I was talking about how the hormones change fat distribution, that I may be seeing some very minor changes already, but I was surprised that I seemed to be passing ok, she looked hard and said, "I don't really see any masculine features in your face."

I don't really believe it, but I think I'll enjoy the feeling. Carl is taking me in the express elevator up to Cloud 10. Megan, I'll wave at you as I zoom past #9.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 19, 2017, 08:25:31 AM
More positivity from someone who certainly deserves it. Enjoy the ride,  and Carl haha [emoji16]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 08:34:25 AM
Quote from: Megan. on November 19, 2017, 08:25:31 AM
More positivity from someone who certainly deserves it. Enjoy the ride,  and Carl haha [emoji16]

I just found out that the express elevator is run by Otis. Nice guy, but very emotional. Lots of ups and downs. Be careful not to push his buttons.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 19, 2017, 08:41:29 AM
Please don't ever go on tour,  there'll be riots. [emoji23]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 09:13:42 AM
Quote from: Megan. on November 19, 2017, 08:41:29 AM
Please don't ever go on tour,  there'll be riots. [emoji23]

You might appreciate this more than I. Apparently if you upset him, instead of the elevator, he'll give you the shaft.

I can see it now: a new unreality show, Kendra and Steph's Pun Wars!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 19, 2017, 09:40:36 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 09:13:42 AM
I can see it now: a new unreality show, Kendra and Steph's Pun Wars!
Now that would be an uplifting show.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 19, 2017, 10:01:20 AM
I was thinking (yeah I know that's not good) You could bill the two of you as the Pundits of Pun.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 19, 2017, 10:03:40 AM
This thread is going down fast.. to the basement; "Sports goods, lingerie and soft furnishings."

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 19, 2017, 10:04:31 AM
... and if anyone calls me a soft furnishing there'll be trouble!

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 10:11:02 AM
Quote from: Laurie on November 19, 2017, 10:01:20 AM
I was thinking (yeah I know that's not good) You could bill the two of you as the Pundits of Pun.
I like it! Since we're all kinda ditzy we could be Pun Ditz.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 19, 2017, 11:09:05 AM
Steph the Badass Aviatrix.  I see a business card. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 19, 2017, 12:31:51 PM
Wait, did I just get drafted?  Or is that a holding pattern.  Difficult to gauge or should I check the dials. 

When I start dialing at the end of January is that a flight simulator? 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on November 19, 2017, 12:52:14 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 19, 2017, 11:09:05 AM
Steph the Badass Aviatrix.  I see a business card.
What does an Aviatrix make you do, flap your wings? Do I need a safe word?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 12:57:57 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 19, 2017, 12:31:51 PMWhen I start dialing at the end of January is that a flight simulator?

More like a flight stimulator.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 01:02:36 PM
Quote from: HappyMoni on November 19, 2017, 12:52:14 PM
What does an Aviatrix make you do, flap your wings? Do I need a safe word?

It involves chocks and tie-down chains. It could have a serious baron on the situation.

A safe word might Amelia-rate any problems when turning base to final. Usually it's not fun to bounce the landing, but in this case...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on November 19, 2017, 01:08:56 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 12:57:57 PM
More like a flight stimulator.
Got news for ya, dialing is anything but stimulating.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on November 19, 2017, 01:11:05 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 01:02:36 PM
It involves chocks and tie-down chains. It could have a serious baron on the situation.

A safe word might Amelia-rate any problems when turning base to final. Usually it's not fun to bounce the landing, but in this case...

This conversation is going the wrong way, Corregan!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 01:22:37 PM
Quote from: HappyMoni on November 19, 2017, 01:11:05 PM
This conversation is going the wrong way, Corregan!
Dang, why didn't I think of that?!

10 points for Mandy!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 19, 2017, 01:30:18 PM
You girls are killing me! [emoji23] I think you might be enjoying yourselves too much. Makes me want to join in on all the pun, but I seem to have stalled and found myself cruising at a lower flight level.

........ that's all I've got. I am enjoying this reading this thread.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 01:36:19 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 19, 2017, 01:30:18 PM
You girls are killing me! [emoji23] I think you might be enjoying yourselves too much. Makes me want to join in on all the pun, but I seem to have stalled and found myself cruising at a lower flight level.

........ that's all I've got. I am enjoying this reading this thread.

Sorry to throw you for a loop, to put a new spin on it. Thought I'd slip that one in.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on November 19, 2017, 02:07:54 PM
If this continues, you can consider me a flight risk. I think we are all United in heading Southeast from here. My Spirit has me headed for the Frontier. This is my final approach to this topic. Over and out and don't call me Shirley.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 19, 2017, 02:14:07 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 01:22:37 PM
> 10 points for Mandy!
Nah - four attachment points is all that's necessary.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 03:26:51 PM
On a different subject, Sue and I just left the mall where we got the 4 week checkup on our new earrings, and got clearance to take out the starter studs. We're at Outback now and I'm sporting my new dangly earrings! I am so fabulous!

Life is awesome!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 19, 2017, 04:11:06 PM
There's just no stopping you [emoji6],  lovely to hear. X

Hang a couple of baubles and you'll be set for Xmas.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 05:45:13 PM
Quote from: Megan. on November 19, 2017, 04:11:06 PM
There's just no stopping you [emoji6],  lovely to hear. X

Hang a couple of baubles and you'll be set for Xmas.

What? I'm actually trying to lose some hanging baubles!

Oh, I see what you mean. I'd consider that but I don't want to be a Ho ho ho.

🤶🏻
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 19, 2017, 05:50:43 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 05:45:13 PM
What? I'm actually trying to lose some hanging baubles!

Oh, I see what you mean. I'd consider that but I don't want to be a Ho ho ho.

🤶🏻
Behave yourself young lady. This show is rated PG. [emoji12]

It's great to see you in such a happy mood. Transition is really agreeing with you. Congratulations!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 06:00:01 PM
Quote from: Megan. on November 19, 2017, 04:11:06 PM
There's just no stopping you [emoji6],  lovely to hear. X

In all seriousness, I hope what I'm feeling isn't just "irrational exuberance." We just went shopping at a couple of places for some clothes and food for Thanksgiving dinner. There are huge crowds everywhere and nobody batted an eye. I simply can't believe that I'm passing this well so early in my transition. Knowing that it will only get better from here almost has me in happy tears.

For what seems like the first time in my life, I will have something other than my wife and family to be thankful for. I just want to give the whole world a hug right now. All of you are right up in the front of the queue.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 19, 2017, 07:29:18 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 03:26:51 PMI'm sporting my new dangly earrings!
Pics or it didn't happen!

You are indeed fabulous.  I am glad you are feeling it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 19, 2017, 09:40:58 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on November 19, 2017, 07:29:18 PM
Pics or it didn't happen!

Ohhhh Kay! You axed for it. Just remember you can't unsee it now...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171120/8bb4c772e8029f4fb10c403640916c36.jpg)

Yeah, I'm currently digging v-neck tops and infinity loop scarves. And that hat. I just loves me that hat...

Stylin' Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 20, 2017, 10:56:10 AM
I love 'em!  You look awesome!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 20, 2017, 11:57:22 AM
You have a real sparkle in your eyes, life is certainly agreeing with you. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 20, 2017, 02:07:54 PM
Damn girl you're rockin' it.  Classy! 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 21, 2017, 01:30:58 PM
OMG OMG OMG SQUEEEEE!!

I just got a notice from the court: I have a date for my name change hearing!!! And it's so soon - December 7th!

Surely a day that will go down in infamy!!

Serious ocular leakage going on right now...

Stephanie Rhapsody B

PS: I just realized that today is 5 months exactly from when I started HRT. Wow, have I come a long way in a short time...

PPS: OMG, what do I wear?!!

PPPS: I assume that because of the date, pearls are appropriate...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 21, 2017, 01:44:43 PM
It's going to be a very merry Step(ey) Christmas! Brilliant news. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 21, 2017, 01:54:26 PM
 Congrats Steph(anie)

  (Soon I will be able to drop the parenthesis') ( I will harbor no regrets as you will be Ford(ing) your own (island) in the (bombed) bay of your past) (May December 7th become your own memorial.) (Shirley a day to remember)

Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 21, 2017, 02:00:40 PM
Steph that is great news! Congratulations. How exciting. I just had this vision of you getting in your plane and skywriting your name all over the place. Are you bouncing around in excitement like a kid that has had too much sugar?

You have indeed come such a long way in a relatively short period of time. I am so happy for you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 21, 2017, 02:32:36 PM
Congratulations on the court date, Steph!  Fantastic!  Dress up for the court.  It's respectful and fun.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 21, 2017, 02:54:47 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 21, 2017, 01:54:26 PMShirley a day to remember

Stephanie, not Shirley.

I'm happy happy today. Sure, I got a court date, but even better, my friend Laurie came out to play.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 21, 2017, 02:56:42 PM
Quote from: Megan. on November 21, 2017, 01:44:43 PM
It's going to be a very merry Step(ey) Christmas! Brilliant news. X

I went crying to my wife, "I just got a Christmas present!"
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 21, 2017, 02:59:41 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 21, 2017, 02:00:40 PMAre you bouncing around in excitement like a kid that has had too much sugar?

I'll get to that later. Right now I'm recovering from all the crying.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 21, 2017, 03:02:14 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on November 21, 2017, 02:32:36 PM
Congratulations on the court date, Steph!  Fantastic!  Dress up for the court.  It's respectful and fun.

I have no idea what's appropriate. Do I need to go in guy mode since that's the name it's filed under? Would a women's suit be ok? I'm so freaked out right now!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 21, 2017, 03:06:48 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 21, 2017, 03:02:14 PM
I have no idea what's appropriate. Do I need to go in guy mode since that's the name it's filed under? Would a women's suit be ok? I'm so freaked out right now!
I don't think guy mode is necessary. You are going there to legally become Steph, so go as Steph, yourself!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 21, 2017, 03:08:35 PM
It might even confuse people if you turn up in guy mode telling them you want to change your name to Stephanie.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 21, 2017, 03:28:34 PM
It is definitely an occasion for going as yourself.  I suppose it might be confusing for onlookers if they call you up for your hearing using your dead name, but they'll get over it.  You want to impress the judge as to what a classy dame you are.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 21, 2017, 03:43:25 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on November 21, 2017, 03:28:34 PM
It is definitely an occasion for going as yourself.  I suppose it might be confusing for onlookers if they call you up for your hearing using your dead name, but they'll get over it.  You want to impress the judge as to what a classy dame you are.
Awesome! I have a neat gray skirted suit. Also a double breasted pinstripe women's suit with pants that might have them mistaking me for a lawyer. Like a really short Angie Harmon, but just as sexy.

As for confusing the onlookers, I plan to pack the peanut gallery with my groupies.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 21, 2017, 05:04:55 PM
For my name change hearing I went as Kendra - and right after I had the document in hand, I went down the hall and applied for US Passport.  I had everything else ready to go.

The judge was very courteous, I was in the courtroom less than 10 minutes.  Glad I didn't wear short shorts. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 21, 2017, 10:03:24 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 21, 2017, 05:04:55 PM
For my name change hearing I went as Kendra - and right after I had the document in hand, I went down the hall and applied for US Passport.  I had everything else ready to go.

The judge was very courteous, I was in the courtroom less than 10 minutes.  Glad I didn't wear short shorts.

I remember your picture. Your smile was so big I thought your face was going to crack. That's gonna be me in 16 days.

I'm still pretty sensitive about my hairline. Is it disrespectful to wear a hat in court? Or do I need to go on a crash search for a topper wig? I thought I'd have a month to work these things out.

I talked to my endocrinologist about my gender marker change letter, and they won't give it to me until I show them the court order. I was hoping to have it in hand on that day, but I'll have to run to Orlando first now. Don't know if I need that for Social Security, but I'll for sure want it for my driver's license.

At the name change clinic I'd attended, they suggested that if you expect your appearance to change in the next two years, get a two-year temporary passport. You pay the fee with the temporary one, and there's no additional charge to get the permanent one in two years with a new picture. At this point I'm not planning any facial surgery, but after seeing some of the before and after HRT pics after only two years, I'm hopeful that a new picture will be needed then.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 22, 2017, 12:45:07 AM
I'd never wear a hat in court after seeing a traffic court judge (Everett, Washington State) get angry with a customer over that.  That was in the early 1980s, but I wouldn't try it.  You're probably not going to be taking a selfie photo with the judge, they should totally understand if your hair isn't perfect... but if it impacts self confidence I can relate (we have all been there, guaranteed).  I bought several wigs mail order 3 - 4 years ago before growing my hair out - actually I used that to help decide what hair style I wanted.

I went for the 10 year passport.  Several countries I have traveled to issue a 10 year visa (China), if the passport number changes they require $tarting over on the visa process. 

When I applied for new Social Security card, I showed the local social security office my "has had appropriate clinical treatment" letter from my endocrinologist for gender marker change.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 22, 2017, 01:00:19 AM
Here's the latest, for those who haven't gotten tired of my stories:

My wife participates in trivia contests on Tuesday nights in a retirement community not far from where we live. I'm a pretty trivial person myself (we never miss an episode of Jeopardy), and she's been after me to join her team. Since I started living full-time, and she hadn't told any of her friends about my transition, I was nervous about going. Well, she told the two other people on her team about me a few weeks ago, and they assured her they had no problem with it and wanted to meet me. So tonight I went.

And I had a great time. The guy on her team couldn't make it, but the woman - I'll call her "S" - showed up and was really cool. We had a wonderful, respectful conversation about the transition process, and then went on to the trivia as a three-woman team. At one point we were in first place, but ran into a few stumpers that knocked us out of the running. Afterward we ate dinner, and at one point I told S that I was worried about getting clocked. She was confused by that, and told me that there was little chance of that. She said some really nice, complimentary things about how I was presenting, and about my facial features when I mentioned FFS. It was all very affirming from someone who had only met me once or twice in my old role, and was a real boost to my confidence.

On the way out we ran into a table full of more of my wife's friends. None of them had met me before in any persona, and I was simply introduced as Stephanie. They said nice to meet you, and the conversation went on. One gregarious lady was standing right in front of me as she told a story to my wife and S, and at one point, after noticing that I was wearing another one of my scarves and my cardigan, asked whether I was visiting Florida from up North, or whether I lived here. She guessed that I lived here because I was dressed warmly in 68 degree weather. And the conversation went on from there.

These retirement communities are like little worlds of their own, with everything within reach by golf cart, and always some kind of group social thing going on. Tonight there was a band in the square, with jewelry and other vendors set up in tents along the periphery. We wandered around enjoying the evening - me especially. You see, it was in this community that I'd had a major meltdown only three months ago, when while we were there having dinner I saw all the women out walking in the warm evening, in pretty sundresses and other comfortable clothes, and I was absolutely convinced that I would never ever get to a point where I could pass. And here I was, very early in transition, walking around just like I'd seen those women doing 12 weeks ago, with no questioning looks at all - and knowing, since it is so early in the process, that it would only get better. Don't pinch me. I don't ever want to wake up from this dream.

Eventually S decided to head for home, so I thanked her for being so cool. She got a big smile, gave me a huge hug, and told me she was happy to see me.

And surprisingly, I was happy to be seen.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 22, 2017, 01:13:33 AM
Quote from: Kendra on November 22, 2017, 12:45:07 AM
I'd never wear a hat in court after seeing a traffic court judge (Everett, Washington State) get angry with a customer over that.  That was in the early 1980s, but I wouldn't try it.  You're probably not going to be taking a selfie photo with the judge, they should totally understand if your hair isn't perfect... but if it impacts self confidence I can relate (we have all been there, guaranteed).  I bought several wigs mail order 3 - 4 years ago before growing my hair out - actually I used that to help decide what hair style I wanted.

Yeah, I probably won't chance it, even though it's a woman magistrate. I was just thinking that maybe a woman could get away with a hat when a man couldn't. I am getting some hair regrowth, so I'll see how it's working out if I let it dry and not put on my usual hat. Maybe it'll be ok.

In 40 years of cross-dressing I've accumulated a lot of stuff, since I was too cheap to go through a purge cycle like so many others have. So I went through my steamer trunks and found that I had 16 wigs stashed away. I could probably find one or two decent ones, but I'm sure they'd have to be styled, and they're kind of hard to deal with since I already have pretty long hair.

QuoteI went for the 10 year passport.  Several countries I have traveled to issue a 10 year visa (China), if the passport number changes they require $tarting over on the visa process.

At this point I have no plans or desires to travel anywhere that requires visas in the next two years. Most likely if I leave the country it'll only be to Canada or the Bahamas. Though ya never know...

QuoteWhen I applied for new Social Security card, I showed the local social security office my "has had appropriate clinical treatment" letter from my endocrinologist for gender marker change.

Yeah, I don't know why my doctor won't give me that letter up front. I was hoping to leave the courtroom, and after getting certified copies of the order, go direct to the Social Security office. Instead I'll have to drive to Orlando and back. Guess I'll be doing a lot of driving that day.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on November 22, 2017, 06:09:11 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 22, 2017, 01:00:19 AM
Here's the latest, for those who haven't gotten tired of my stories ... <snip> ... Steph

I love following your stories, and the stories others here. Most are at a point I can't see myself getting to but it gives me hope. Plus I love the happiness you all exude when you tell them.  :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 22, 2017, 08:59:28 AM
Quote from: Faith on November 22, 2017, 06:09:11 AM
I love following your stories, and the stories others here. Most are at a point I can't see myself getting to but it gives me hope. Plus I love the happiness you all exude when you tell them.  :)
Hi Faith. I've subscribed to your thread, too. Any of our stories have all the elements of a good book or movie. I stopped here while I was writing and did a search for "elements of good storytelling" and believe me, by taking a composite of our stories, we'd have a blockbuster movie. Everything is there. I won't bother repeating them. Anyone can do the same search I did.

And don't sell yourself short. Four months ago I felt the same way you do. You can go as far as you and your wife want you to.

If only the haters out there could see, and truly understand the joy we gain by finding our true selves, they'd be cheering us on. And despite the political climate and sensationalistic headlines, the real, regular people out there are starting to get it, and things are getting better. Each one of us who come out and let others see us live good, kind, happy lives moves the needle a little, even if we choose not to march in parades and yell at rallies.

And that's today's update from Pollyanna. [emoji6]

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 22, 2017, 10:20:40 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 22, 2017, 08:59:28 AMAnd despite the political climate and sensationalistic headlines, the real, regular people out there are starting to get it, and things are getting better. Each one of us who come out and let others see us live good, kind, happy lives moves the needle a little, even if we choose not to march in parades and yell at rallies.
That is so true, and it is an important point that is easily overlooked.  Regular people are starting to get it.  And they actually outnumber the haters.  People, even strangers, are happy to see me and treat me with respect and kindness.  Who'd have thunk it?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 22, 2017, 09:17:52 PM
Quote from: Faith on November 22, 2017, 06:09:11 AM
I love following your stories, and the stories others here. Most are at a point I can't see myself getting to but it gives me hope. Plus I love the happiness you all exude when you tell them.  :)

  Faith,

  I have to echo the replies given you by Steph(anie) and Kathy... Don't sell yourself short It was less than a year ago I took my first dose of HRT. Almost 2 months after I was outing myself to my GP and asking for help here on Susan's to bolster my courage and when I did I also asked for therapy. Susan's and the good people help helped me with that also. Soon some were urging me to get out dressed into the public eye by going into a store and buy something and pay for it at a real live cashier. I did it. After maybe five such outings I found myself on a road trip from Oregon to Maine to Maine where I met 9 other trans people like myself. I had only intended to drive to the Denver area in my female persona, but as it turned out I went to Maine and back home 31 days later having change into male clothes only twice before making it out of Pennsylvania on the way out. I even survived locking myself out of my pickup while in female attire at a busy truck stop style gas station in Colorado where I had to go inside and be a damsel in distress and ask for help. on the last leg home it dawned on my that there was no reason for me to return to male mode as I had been almost exclusive living as myself for that month. I was full time and was just realizing it. Leonard left home in woman's clothes, but it was Laurie the came home. I was not the same per that had left a month ago.
  Who is to say what you will or will not do in your time Faith? Not I nor anyone else. Not even you can really see what your future will hold for you. I know I didn't know what I would do or where I would be when I started my journey almost a year ago.
  You will find many stories here of others having their own epiphanies and Faith, you will have your own when the time for it comes.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 24, 2017, 10:35:05 AM
Well, Thanksgiving was... interesting. Not bad really, and in the end, being the silly person I am, I chose to give the whole thing a silly spin and roll with it.

We traveled over the river and through the woods to have Thanksgiving dinner with Mom and her hubby. Both are completely accepting and supportive, and I of course went as myself, Stephanie. I was hoping for a family dinner where I could completely relax and not worry about my hairline, voice, etc., but then I found out that they'd invited the neighbor lady to join us, since otherwise she would have been alone. So I was on my guard. They'd already told her about my transition, so there was no shock factor as we walked in.

And that's then the silliness began. My Mom introduced me, "This is my daughter, Stephanie, and his wife Sue." AAAAGH!!! What a bizarre mix of wonderfulness and pain. And that's the way it went all afternoon. It was never mean-spirited, they tried so hard, and were so embarrassed every time it happened. I felt sorry for them, but after a while when hubby would say "Steve" I'd either ignore it with a smile, and he'd catch it after I didn't answer, or I'd say, "Nobody by that name here!" It was so hard for them to remember both the name and the pronouns at the same time. Once, hubby asked my Mom to check on "Whether he'd like some pie." After a second of silence his eyes got big and he said, "Oh! I'm so sorry, Steve!" Double Aghh! But hilarity ensued.

I'm not too worried about it. Just knowing they still love me is enough. On the way out my Mom asked if it would be all right if they attend my name change hearing on December 7th. Of course! Looks like I've already got 6 people sitting in the peanut gallery. I did emphasize that I'm going to get more serious about enforcing names and pronouns after it's actually legal. They nodded and agreed they'd try harder. And we left with hugs and smiles.

On the way home Sue and I stopped by a Best Buy to investigate dishwashers, and actually ended up ordering one. For some reason I got a little timid and let Sue handle the transaction while I wandered off for a bit. She wasn't happy about that and I had to apologize later. I just kept wondering whether he'd clocked me, and if not, what he thought about two women out together buying a dishwasher for their house. I did end up standing in front of the guy and explaining why we didn't want the extended warranty, and that I'd be installing it myself.

It all went well in the end, but I really have to get over this timidness. This is the way I'm going to live the rest of my life, and I have to get used to it. And so do they.

Finally, I posted a version of the entry I made here in the Happy Thanksgiving thread on my Facebook page. (Susan's post here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230934.msg2052942.html#msg2052942 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230934.msg2052942.html#msg2052942)). I got more likes and positive comments on that one post than on any other. People are really cool...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 24, 2017, 11:35:15 AM
I was obsessing to my friend Cassie, who I met at one of the social events of a local support group, about my hair situation regarding my upcoming court appointment. She's the one we went to the Ren Faire with, is also full-time transitioning, and has become a good friend. I told her I was considering going to a salon and getting some advice for my hair, and she invited me to go with her to her hairdresser tomorrow. So hopefully I'll find out if there's any hope for my mop, and maybe get some trimming and styling done. It's all a little scary. It's been 20 years since I let anyone do anything with my hair,  and I'll be putting my foot down if she suggests shortening it by any significant amount.

My Mom asked me to send pictures if I do get it styled, and I told her then about how envious I was when my sister got to grow her dark hair down her back. Poor Mom got a little taste of the pain, and much hugging ensued.

Anyway, if I can't do anything with my hair, I guess I'll try to find a friendly wig shop to find a topper or something. Need to look fabulous for the magistrate!

Oh! I meant to ask. I've read a few sites where they make clear that all piercings should be removed for the court. That doesn't include discreet earrings, does it?

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 24, 2017, 12:21:08 PM
Steph, I'm glad thanksgiving went well for you. It seems that you handled any accidental misgendering and using the wrong name quite well. It sounds like your family are really trying hard to get it right. It must be hard to undo a lifetime of habit. Hopefully it won't take them too much longer to be getting right all the time.

I wish I could make it to your name change hearing. Know that I will be thinking of you. It's so exciting!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 24, 2017, 12:25:00 PM
Hey, it's just a short 20 hour flight. John Travolta lives close to me, and he's actually a pilot with Qantas. We fly over to see what he's got parked on the pad once in a while. Maybe he'll come get you in his 707.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 24, 2017, 12:28:47 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 24, 2017, 12:25:00 PM
Hey, it's just a short 20 hour flight. John Travolta lives close to me, and he's actually a pilot with Qantas. We fly over to see what he's got parked on the pad once in a while. Maybe he'll come get you in his 707.

Steph
If I'm not mistaken, I think his 707 was actually owned and operated by Qantas back in the day. Would you mind having a word with John and see if he is willing to come pick me up?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 24, 2017, 12:33:24 PM
Well, actually I'd heard he let his ATP lapse and is no longer certified with Qantas. He may even have sold the 707. He's still got plenty of fast stuff on the apron.

As for contacting him, well, the restraining order prevents that.

Juuust kidding.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: jessica95 on November 24, 2017, 12:58:53 PM
Nice Log, Step 2.0 , I support your journey. And cool you live near John Travolta.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 24, 2017, 01:01:50 PM
Quote from: jessica95 on November 24, 2017, 12:58:53 PM
Nice Log, Step 2.0 , I support your journey. And cool you live near John Travolta.

Hi Jessica, and welcome to my strange world!

John and Kelli live on a private airport about 30 miles north of me. And no, we aren't on a first name basis! (Or any name basis...)

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 25, 2017, 04:37:04 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 24, 2017, 11:35:15 AM
> I've read a few sites where they make clear that all piercings should be removed for the court. That doesn't include discreet earrings, does it?

I've never heard such a thing but I suppose it would be good to avoid showing up in court with a fish hook through your eyebrow.  I went to my name change hearing wearing dangly earrings - didn't think about it, and nobody threw a book at me. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 25, 2017, 11:04:27 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 25, 2017, 04:37:04 PM
I've never heard such a thing but I suppose it would be good to avoid showing up in court with a fish hook through your eyebrow.  I went to my name change hearing wearing dangly earrings - didn't think about it, and nobody threw a book at me.

I suspect that all the advice I've been reading on the internet is for defendants in criminal cases. I'll bet for cases like ours there's a lot more leeway. In any case, I'll have some kind of earrings in, and pearls under my shirt to commemorate the date.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 25, 2017, 11:38:03 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 24, 2017, 11:35:15 AM
I was obsessing to my friend Cassie, who I met at one of the social events of a local support group, about my hair situation regarding my upcoming court appointment. She's the one we went to the Ren Faire with, is also full-time transitioning, and has become a good friend. I told her I was considering going to a salon and getting some advice for my hair, and she invited me to go with her to her hairdresser tomorrow. So hopefully I'll find out if there's any hope for my mop, and maybe get some trimming and styling done. It's all a little scary. It's been 20 years since I let anyone do anything with my hair,  and I'll be putting my foot down if she suggests shortening it by any significant amount.

Today was the day I took another big step. I went with Cassandra to see her hairdresser Destinee, and okayed her recommendation to shorten my hair about 2 inches, color it all back to the original color with some highlights, and change the style to swept bangs. I've never ever had my hair styled; heck, I haven't even been in a barber's chair for 20 years. It took almost four hours while Destinee did her magic. The color ended up a little darker than original, and I love it. And I admit that when I saw myself in the mirror, I broke down in tears. Even got Destinee and Cassie crying. There was absolutely no doubt that there was a woman looking back from the other side of the looking glass.

We met another friend for lunch and spent the rest of the day wandering through the shops, talking at a coffee shop, watching the tree lighting ceremony, and finally ending up at a Mellow Mushroom for dinner. Cassie is just a little ahead of me in her transition, and we had a deep heart to heart conversation about our pasts, present and futures. More than once I talked about how much help you all have been to me here on Susan's.

Here I am with my slightly windblown new do, and a beautiful Florida sunset:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/teqhfvmwt4lk4x2/stephnewdo.jpg?raw=1)

Here I am with Cassie and my new friend Stella:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/2nj1v5au34zavmm/stephcassiestella.jpg?raw=1)

The best part? The whole day I went without a hat. It was another outstandingly wonderful day to remember forever.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 26, 2017, 12:45:53 AM
WOW Steph!!! You look amazing and that smile is coming from a real happy place inside. Forget any ideas you may have had about wigs or hats for your court date. You don't need that stuff.

I am walking through the airport terminal to go to work grinning like a fool. I am so happy for you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 12:53:51 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 26, 2017, 12:45:53 AM
WOW Steph!!! You look amazing and that smile is coming from a real happy place inside. Forget any ideas you may have had about wigs or hats for your court date. You don't need that stuff.

I am walking through the airport terminal to go to work grinning like a fool. I am so happy for you.

Thanks so much for the kind comment, Jayne. I never in a million years thought I'd see the person I saw looking back in the mirror. I thought I might break down, so I had myself prepared to avoid it. Nope. Too many emotes. Poor Destinee kept saying, "Oh no, I can't look at you, oh no." And she looked and also had ocular leakage. All happy tears. She got a tip as big as the hug I gave her.

It's a time in the future for you, too, Jayne. Stay positive and keep moving forward one step at a time. If I can do it, anyone can.

Have a nice day at work. Mess with the pilots some more with your feminine voice on the headset. (I've been doing that myself as I call the pattern.)

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: The Flying Lemur on November 26, 2017, 01:04:04 AM
I'm really glad that you found a new hairstyle that suits you!  You look great!  :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 26, 2017, 01:09:28 AM
I am looking forward when my hair is long enough to style. My electrologist told me her hairdresser is very good and has several trans clients at various stages of their transition. I also have never in my life had my hair styled and for the past 15-20 years I have been cutting it myself giving myself a buzz cut with clippers.

I wish I could be there to give you a hug and celebrate this happy time with you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 01:20:31 AM
Thanks Ben! As you can see in the pic, Stella is working on FtM. Everyone got a smile when Cassie put our meal on her credit card which still has her old name on it, and when the waiter came back he gave the receipts to Stella. We corrected him and gave the receipts to Cassie. The poor waiter looked so confused, but Stella chalked up a "pass point."

Jayne, I'll accept a virtual hug! [emoji5]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 26, 2017, 01:21:35 AM
Steph, that is a great 'do, and a smile of  100% contentment,  no artifical colours or preservatives! And it looks like you've got some great friends there too. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 26, 2017, 01:22:44 AM
(((HUG)))
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 01:39:16 AM
Mmmm... Thank you!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on November 26, 2017, 06:10:32 AM
that's it. You've made up  my mind. there's no way I could read this without getting my hair down properly. We have a Dec dinner date coming up. My wife already settled on my outfit to compliment hers. I think we need a hair day together. Thanks for making me spend even more money  ;D

Sorry, this is your thread and it's not about me. I do tend to try to relate to others by talking about me, it's a habit I'm really trying to break. So, on to the important part:

You look totally awesome. You may have gotten your hair done but you can see the affect in your whole face. And that smile? heart-melter ....
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 26, 2017, 06:37:35 AM
Wow, you look adorable, Steph!  I love that big smile, and I am in envy of your hair!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 06:46:04 AM
Quote from: Faith on November 26, 2017, 06:10:32 AM
that's it. You've made up  my mind. there's no way I could read this without getting my hair down properly. We have a Dec dinner date coming up. My wife already settled on my outfit to compliment hers. I think we need a hair day together. Thanks for making me spend even more money  ;D

Don't even hesitate. I avoided it for far too long, and now I'm so glad I went. It was shocking what an immediate change it was. She intended to match the original color that she found where there wasn't any gray, but it ended up a little darker than it's ever been, with just a tinge of red in the right light. And I love it!

You'll have to decide whether you consider it expensive. It cost me US$128 plus a well-deserved tip. It was worth every penny.

QuoteSorry, this is your thread and it's not about me. I do tend to try to relate to others by talking about me, it's a habit I'm really trying to break.

That's right, it's my thread. And in my house, everybody gets to say whatever they want. I demand that my friends never censor themselves in here, so welcome, and never hesitate to interrupt.

QuoteSo, on to the important part:

You look totally awesome. You may have gotten your hair done but you can see the affect in your whole face. And that smile? heart-melter ....

Thank you so much, Faith. Is it too self-centered or narcissistic to say that I love that picture, too, despite the wrinkly face? I used to hate seeing myself in pictures, and tended to avert my eyes. And good luck finding any pictures of me with teeth showing before I started transitioning. Always a closed-mouth smile, more like a grimace. Now I like seeing that grinning person, and it's still a shock to realize that she is me.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on November 26, 2017, 06:51:34 AM
HAH! you don't want all my thoughts polluting your thread, trust me  ;D

I know what you mean about the closed-mouth grimace. I still do it, I'm a work in progress. I do know that reading your adventures is helping me with mine.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 26, 2017, 06:51:54 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 06:46:04 AM
Is it too self-centered or narcissistic to say that I love that picture, too, despite the wrinkly face?
Nope! You are allowed to like seeing yourself happy. It's something many of us here have not been able to do for far too long.

Wrinkles? What wrinkles?

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 06:59:50 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on November 26, 2017, 06:37:35 AM
Wow, you look adorable, Steph!  I love that big smile, and I am in envy of your hair!

D'awww, thanks, Kathy. Since I can't wear a hat for my court hearing, one of the main reasons for doing it in the first place was to try to disguise the receding hairline, without it looking like a comb-over. By moving the part over a little and doing the swept bangs, I think she accomplished that. It did create a lock of hair that kept falling across my eyes, but to be honest, constantly brushing it over felt so cool. It may get annoying later, but for now I get a warm fuzzy feeling with that definably feminine gesture.

What surprised me is the recession is still there on the right side, but doesn't seem to be as noticeable due to the rest of the cut. Destinee truly is a magician.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 07:06:00 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 26, 2017, 06:51:54 AMNope! You are allowed to like seeing yourself happy. It's something many of us here have not been able to do for far too long.

Well come on in! The water's fine!

QuoteWrinkles? What wrinkles?

Ah, well, my face was ravaged with acne cysts during (first) puberty, and I'll live with the wreckage for the rest of my life. Just another side affect of testosterone poisoning. I'm so envious of you all with smooth skin.

I'll just have to let my brilliant toothpaste-commercial smile blind you all so you can't see it...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 26, 2017, 07:13:40 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 06:59:50 AM
What surprised me is the recession is still there on the right side, but doesn't seem to be as noticeable due to the rest of the cut. Destinee truly is a magician.
The recession may not be as bad as you may think. There are many cis women out there with receding hairlines and it isn't noticeable because they have a feminine hairstyle.

I have been looking closely at other women in my travels. I am lucky not to have any major recession yet, but if I end up anything like my father, it will recede with a vengeance. Hopefully the hormones will put a stop to that. What I noticed while observing different women is that many do indeed have a very receded hairline and I only noticed because I was specifically looking for that kind of thing.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on November 26, 2017, 07:38:10 AM
My wife has a severe receding line on one side, compounded by a scar from an accident so hair will never grow there. It does not detract from her hair style. most things are taken as a whole, you cannot focus on the one 'wrong' thing.

keep on smiling, I'll buy that toothpaste
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 07:40:34 AM
Quote from: Faith on November 26, 2017, 07:38:10 AM
keep on smiling, I'll buy that toothpaste

Thanks, Faith, for the encouragement.

I've decided the easiest way to keep people from seeing my wrinkles is to squirt the toothpaste in their eyes. Never fails.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on November 26, 2017, 07:58:15 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 07:40:34 AM
Thanks, Faith, for the encouragement.

I've decided the easiest way to keep people from seeing my wrinkles is to squirt the toothpaste in their eyes. Never fails.

Steph

I thought about something like this:
(https://slodive.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/short-emo-hairstyles/cover.jpg)
I don't have the lips for it, or the chin for that matter.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 08:18:21 AM
Quote from: Faith on November 26, 2017, 07:58:15 AM
I thought about something like this:

Hey, that would definitely take care of my wrinkle problem!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 09:32:18 AM
 Hi Steph(anie) (still a few days left for the parenthesis)

  The doo, is you. Really it looks good on you and the smile really brightened your face. I'm afraid my day at a hair salon will be a bit different with me walking in, telling the girl what I'd like done, handing her my hair and leaving. Of course there would be the second visit to pick it back up and go home. lol
  Another surprising thing you have in your favor lady is you are sooo short. You look so tiny next to Cassie and Stella. It says girl all over you. Oh I know you have told us many times you are 5' 5" but I don't think you have ever shown us a picture that illustrates your height so well. For you lady it is all a plus.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on November 26, 2017, 09:53:29 AM
Steph, great cut.   Now we need a new avatar!

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 10:36:37 AM
Quote from: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 09:32:18 AM
Hi Steph(anie) (still a few days left for the parenthesis)

Hi Lau(rie),

This post is rated PG.

Parenthal Guidance Advised.

QuoteThe doo, is you. Really it looks good on you and the smile really brightened your face.

As long as I'm not doo-doo, I'm not cuckoo!

Gosh, everybody seems to like the smile. Guess I'll wear it more often. It was a little dusty but it's been staying pretty clean lately.

QuoteI'm afraid my day at a hair salon will be a bit different with me walking in, telling the girl what I'd like done, handing her my hair and leaving.

Better than handing her your head. But if she does a good job you might want to give her a hand. [emoji1319]

QuoteAnother surprising thing you have in your favor lady it you are sooo short. You look so tint next to Cassie and Stella. It says girl all over you. Oh I know you have told us many times you are 5' 5" but I don't think you have ever shown us a picture that illustrates you height so well. For you lady it is all a plus.

You have no idea how much I used to hate being called short in my previous incarnation. Now I bask in it.

As for the picture, it probably highlights Cassandra's height more than mine. I'm guessing she's about 5'10" or even 6'. Stella was just a bit taller than me.

I was trying to understand why this hairdo affected me so much. I realized that most of my changes have been slow and incremental, and therefore hard to notice day to day. This was immediate, and so a little shocking, though in a wonderfully good way.

I'm back on Cloud 10. Thanks, Otis!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 10:39:07 AM
Quote from: Bari Jo on November 26, 2017, 09:53:29 AM
Steph, great cut.   Now we need a new avatar!

Oh gosh. I love the Bad Ass Aviatrix one, too. What to do... what to do?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on November 26, 2017, 10:44:58 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 25, 2017, 11:38:03 PM
And I admit that when I saw myself in the mirror, I broke down in tears. Even got Destinee and Cassie crying. There was absolutely no doubt that there was a woman looking back from the other side of the looking glass.


Steph, that image that you spoke of, it is a moment that you will always remember. Such a joyful moment that many of us can relate to and celebrate with you. Good going girl, enjoy the ride, it just gets better from here!

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on November 26, 2017, 10:54:50 AM
Haven't been here in a while. Who's the cute, short chick in the picture?
Moni
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 12:23:02 PM
Hi Tia Anne and Moni!

I've seen "her" before, but this time there was no doubt. It was pretty powerful.

Moni, you're speaking very clearly, considering what you've just been through. I'm glad to hear from you!

As for that chick in the picture, well, I'm afraid to say it because I'm scared I'll jinx it... but I've come to the conclusion, despite continuing doubts, that I may have "passing privilege." I never ever expected this, especially so soon. I compare myself to everyone in the "You look fabulous" and the "Before and after" threads, and I always come up lacking. But there's no denying that I've gone full-time with absolutely no pushback from anyone yet. Are people that unobservant? Do they not care? Or am I actually being perceived as a woman? I guess I'll always doubt myself, but I'd think that in the amount of time I'm accumulating as myself RLE, that somebody would have said something by now.

I'm not complaining, but I don't know how to deal with the thought. It seems so unreal. Things like this don't happen to me in real life. Can anyone offer advice to help me sort this out?

Confused Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 12:33:04 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 12:23:02 PM

I'm not complaining, but I don't know how to deal with the thought. It seems so unreal. Things like this don't happen to me in real life. Can anyone offer advice to help me sort this out?

Confused Steph

  The trick is to get to that point where it no longer matters to you because you are happy with who you are.
  And "Nothing Else Matters" This song fits this thought better than my own.

Nothing Else Matters (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAGnKpE4NCI)

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 12:51:35 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 12:33:04 PM
  The trick is to get to that point where it no longer matters to you because you are happy with who you are.
  And "Nothing Else Matters"

Thanks Laurie. I'd never heard that before. You're right, but it sure is a hard place to get to.

What I'm wrestling with is - if it's actually true that I'm passing already - why me? I'm nobody special. I've done nothing to earn it. There are so many other people who've suffered much more than I have and who need it more.

I don't know. This self-flagellation is pointless, I guess. I should be grateful for the privilege, but I feel guilty. I guess I've been so unhappy for so long that I find it hard to accept happiness when it grabs me by the neck.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't anywhere near a meltdown. It's just confusing.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 01:06:41 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 12:51:35 PM
Thanks Laurie. I'd never heard that before. You're right, but it sure is a hard place to get to.

What I'm wrestling with is - if it's actually true that I'm passing already - why me? I'm nobody special. I've done nothing to earn it. There are so many other people who've suffered much more than I have and who need it more.

I don't know. This self-flagellation is pointless, I guess. I should be grateful for the privilege, but I feel guilty. I guess I've been so unhappy for so long that I find it hard to accept happiness when it grabs me by the neck.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't anywhere near a meltdown. It's just confusing.

Steph

  Just don't stumble and fall into that rabbit hole. The guilt you have is not appropriate. The things you say you feel guilty for are not your fault and no one will blame you for their own shortcomings. Envy you for some of your assets maybe, but blame you ? No. Just accept those assets for helping you see who you are. 
  Being able to see yourself for who you are and accepting yourself is one of the elusive goals we all have in transitioning. You are well on your way to doing that Steph(anie). Do your loops, whoop-tee-dos, and barrel rolls in celebration of these achievements you deserve them.

Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 26, 2017, 01:25:47 PM
You have nothing to feel guilty for Steph. As Laurie said, nobody will be blaming you for anything. You didn't steal the ability to pass more easily from someone else, causing them to not be able to pass. It's just the way it is. Feeling guilty about this would be like your wife feeling guilty that she was born female and you were not.

You have achieved so much in a relatively short period of time. Congratulations! Enjoy your successes. We are all cheering for you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 01:27:40 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 01:06:41 PM
  Just don't stumble and fall into that rabbit hole. The guilt you have is not appropriate. The things you say you feel guilty for are not your fault and no one will blame you for their own shortcomings. Envy you for some of your assets maybe, but blame you ? No. Just accept those assets for helping you see who you are. 
  Being able to see yourself for who you are and accepting yourself is one of the elusive goals we all have in transitioning. You are well on your way to doing that Steph(anie). Do your loops, whoop-tee-dos, and barrel rolls in celebration of these achievements you deserve them.

Thanks. Good advice, my friend. I think I see what I'm doing. Since I haven't learned to accept myself yet, it looks like I'm still seeking outside validation. Regardless how well things seem to be going, I guess I still have a ways to go before I love myself.

The good news, I guess, is that I at least like myself now...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 01:29:32 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 26, 2017, 01:25:47 PM
You have nothing to feel guilty for Steph. As Laurie said, nobody will be blaming you for anything. You didn't steal the ability to pass more easily from someone else, causing them to not be able to pass. It's just the way it is. Feeling guilty about this would be like your wife feeling guilty that she was born female and you were not.

You have achieved so much in a relatively short period of time. Congratulations! Enjoy your successes. We are all cheering for you.

Jayne

Yeah. Yeah, I'll work on that. Thank you.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 26, 2017, 01:47:24 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 12:23:02 PMI never ever expected this, especially so soon. I compare myself to everyone in the "You look fabulous" and the "Before and after" threads, and I always come up lacking.
My first thought upon seeing your latest photo is that you should post it in the "Fabulous" thread.

Quote
But there's no denying that I've gone full-time with absolutely no pushback from anyone yet. Are people that unobservant? Do they not care? Or am I actually being perceived as a woman?
My theory is that the real world doesn't actually live up (or down) to our fears.  The world is not as scary as we fear it will be.  Yes there are rednecks, but they are less numerous than we fear.  The lack of pushback is the reality.

I, too, have had no pushback.  I assume that I pass in the eyes of some people and that the others just don't care.  They may well go home and tell their family that they encountered a trans woman that day.  But it's not important enough to make a scene with you or me at the time. 

Either way, I'm happy.  I hope that, in time, you are too.  The lack of pushback is the Promised Land that we dreamed of.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 02:50:16 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on November 26, 2017, 01:47:24 PM
My first thought upon seeing your latest photo is that you should post it in the "Fabulous" thread.

Kathy, that's the nicest thing I've been told in a long time. Whether it really belongs there or not, thank you.

QuoteMy theory is that the real world doesn't actually live up (or down) to our fears.  The world is not as scary as we fear it will be.  Yes there are rednecks, but they are less numerous than we fear.  The lack of pushback is the reality.

I, too, have had no pushback.  I assume that I pass in the eyes of some people and that the others just don't care.  They may well go home and tell their family that they encountered a trans woman that day.  But it's not important enough to make a scene with you or me at the time.

Yeah, strange how we tend to discount own advice. I recall telling someone else that same thing not too long ago.

QuoteEither way, I'm happy.  I hope that, in time, you are too.  The lack of pushback is the Promised Land that we dreamed of.

OK, here's a massive feedback loop for you. If I'm honest with myself (and you all), I truly am almost deliriously happy about the way it's all going, and I really don't feel as guilty as it seems from my writing. Aaannnd... that makes me feel guilty.

Hoo boy...

Regardless, I'm very far from unhappy. Life is pretty dang good. Still waiting for RSVPs on people attending my court hearing. I've got eight attendees so far in the peanut gallery.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 03:01:09 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 02:50:16 PM
Still waiting for RSVPs on people attending my court hearing. I've got eight attendees so far in the peanut gallery.

Steph

   Sorry Steph(anie), but I must decline the invitation.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 26, 2017, 03:04:56 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 03:01:09 PM
   Sorry Steph(anie), but I must decline the invitation.

Foo. Well, that's it: I'm canceling.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on November 27, 2017, 12:07:06 PM
Hi Steph,

You have studied the principles of flight, air speed, lift, turbulence, etc and you have ingrained them enough to let them sit in the background, sort of like a sub level autopilot. The head knowledge gets out of the way and you just fly. Birds don't worry about wing curvature, they just fly. Being Steph  is the same thing, you are just getting used to your wings. Now girl, go out and fly! Own it and love it! And we are all there with you each step of the way.

By the way, we can't make it to your court hearing but my partner and I are wondering if you are up for visitors next fall, we are planning an east coast swing.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 27, 2017, 12:09:46 PM
Wonderfulness Update

Some very cool things have been happening:

My wife finally told her brother and sister about me, and both were shocked but completely supportive, especially when they knew we're staying together and still love each other.

The county has accepted my electronic filing of the last three documents needed for my court date (copies of birth certificate, social security card, and affidavit of residency).

I had another appointment with my primary care doctor this morning. He was really cool about everything. The first thing he asked was what name I wanted to use. I'd signed in as Steph, so that's what I asked him to use, and he never messed up once. We plan to change the clinic records at my next appointment. He said since he's been working there they've had 20 to 30 transgender patients, and it's not a big deal for the staff. Amazing for a little town like mine. I talked with him about my 3 1/2 week meltdown schedule, and he could see no reason for it, but it's not his area of expertise, and he suggested I bring it up with my endo.

I have not failed to see "her" in the mirror for a couple of weeks now!

Today was the first time I washed my hair since I had it colored and styled. I had a horrible irrational fear that I going to see all that beautiful color washing down the drain, but of course it was fine. I've fallen deeper in love with it every day.

I connected with an old friend on FB Messenger last night, and she spent a half hour giving me makeup advice!

Speaking of which, this afternoon I'm going to see my friend and her sister who is a retired cosmetologist, for a free makeup lesson, followed by a nice dinner for all three of us.

That's all I can think of for now. Everything positive and nothing negative!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 27, 2017, 12:22:09 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on November 27, 2017, 12:07:06 PM
Being Steph  is the same thing, you are just getting used to your wings. Now girl, go out and fly! Own it and love it! And we are all there with you each step of the way.

You're right, of course. When the fecal matter impacts the air distribution device, you fall back on your training. I don't have "Steph" thoroughly ingrained in my psyche yet, but I am making great progress. See the previous entry.

QuoteBy the way, we can't make it to your court hearing but my partner and I are wondering if you are up for visitors next fall, we are planning an east coast swing.

Oh my gosh, yes! Like most Florida residents, we have a guest room for our friends who are escaping from anything but the law, and you would be most welcome to occupy it! We are in Central Florida, right on I-75, about 50 miles north of Tampa.

The only possibility would be a conflict with a trip we'll be taking ourselves next fall. My neighbor is putting together a girls-only train trip up the east coast to see the colors, and I'm invited! Don't know exactly when yet, but we'll try to coordinate when the time gets closer.

COOL!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 27, 2017, 12:22:12 PM
Great news about the family acceptance. You got it all goin' on girl! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 27, 2017, 01:12:43 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 27, 2017, 12:09:46 PM
Some very cool things have been happening:

My wife finally told her brother and sister about me, and both were shocked but completely supportive, especially when they knew we're staying together and still love each other.

...

Very cool to have more family on board!  No wonder you have such a big smile in your photos.

Sorry I can't make it to your court hearing, but I'll be there in spirit.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 27, 2017, 10:46:40 PM
How awesome Steph! The good news keeps on coming for you. Thank you for sharing your happiness with us all. It so uplifting reading your story.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 27, 2017, 10:52:18 PM
Now Jayne, you know she's waiting on your RSVP she said so right in her post. Don't leave the lady hanging.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 28, 2017, 12:16:32 AM
Quote from: Laurie on November 27, 2017, 10:52:18 PM
Now Jayne, you know she's waiting on your RSVP she said so right in her post. Don't leave the lady hanging.
Oh Laurie, you are so right. How rude of me!

Steph, you know I would be there in a heartbeat if I could. I will be in the gallery in spirit, eating my peanuts cheering you on.

Your friend from Oz,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 28, 2017, 07:44:11 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 27, 2017, 12:22:09 PM
> for our friends who are escaping from anything but the law

Drat.  Foiled again. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 28, 2017, 08:25:12 AM
Are we allowed to throw the peanuts, if so I'm on a plane [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 28, 2017, 08:27:44 AM
Quote from: Megan. on November 28, 2017, 08:25:12 AM
Are we allowed to throw the peanuts, if so I'm on a plane [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

I dunno, but with all those aerial peanuts the smell might get intense. There'd be oder in the court.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 28, 2017, 08:39:20 AM
Send her down! [emoji23]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 28, 2017, 09:12:16 AM
I'm losing my peanut gallery qualification due to GRS mid January.  Or did I misunderstand the term selfie stick. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 28, 2017, 09:58:07 AM
Quote from: Kendra on November 28, 2017, 09:12:16 AM
I'm losing my peanut gallery qualification due to GRS mid January.  Or did I misunderstand the term selfie stick.

Kendra, you crack me up. Your nuts!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 28, 2017, 12:24:45 PM
I went for my makeup lesson last night, and I'm not sure I absorbed it all - it was more of a makeover while I tried to keep up. I'm not sure what to make of it yet, but there was no doubt there was a dramatic difference, and when we went to dinner afterward there was no hint of misgendering from anyone, including the waitress who hung out around our table and chatted with us most of the evening. Apparently even my voice passed. It was another one of those magical evenings that I didn't want to end. So I'm taking whatever knowledge I was able to retain, and will build on that.

I'm afraid this was a terrible picture - my friend isn't a professional photographer and I didn't have a chance to fix my hair when she surprised me with her camera. So it is what it is. Maybe you can get an idea about the makeup from it...

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/gq275scumpcypj9/stephmakeup.jpg?raw=1)

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 28, 2017, 12:51:05 PM
You look absolutely great hun,  the artist manged to improve on perfection [emoji6]. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 28, 2017, 03:47:11 PM
Geez Steph! You're rocking it girl! I like your new profile picture too, but you will have to update it again with a new aviator photo of yourself.
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 28, 2017, 04:50:00 PM
Steph, looking at your photo I think there's your answer for court for your name change... you don't need to do anything.  Just show up that way, your hair looks fine, you look great - you could go in front of the Supreme Court that way. 

Skip the wig unless it's cold and snowing outside.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 28, 2017, 07:17:47 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 28, 2017, 04:50:00 PM
Steph, looking at your photo I think there's your answer for court for your name change... you don't need to do anything.  Just show up that way, your hair looks fine, you look great - you could go in front of the Supreme Court that way. 

Skip the wig unless it's cold and snowing outside.

Thank you Kendra. I will definitely be going with just my own hair. I yam what I yam. As for the clothes, my current choices are a gray skirted suit with that pink top in the picture, or a very classy black dress that I modeled today and suddenly look super in.

A dear friend of mine in Nashville has invited me to come and try on a roomful of clothes she's set aside for me. We're heading up there tomorrow. I'm withholding the final decision until I see what she's got for me.

She is so cool that she has warned me that I'd better not show up in any other mode than full-boat Stephanie. I'm happy to accommodate her, and since I'm full-time, will of course be me for the entire trip. So this will be a pico-version of Laurie's trip. Anybody live on the I-75 / I-24 corridor between Florida and Nashville?

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 29, 2017, 07:12:39 PM
Steph and Sue roll North
In search of clothes and flying
Look out Tennessee!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 29, 2017, 07:27:49 PM
At Cracker Barrel
Meatloaf and mashed potatoes
Don't get that at home.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 29, 2017, 07:44:26 PM
Oh no! No meat loaf!
Steph is very sad tonight
Rather go hungry!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 29, 2017, 08:02:14 PM
What is this talking about Steph in the third person? Your nuts girl!! Hope you have a great time on your trip.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 29, 2017, 08:14:55 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 29, 2017, 08:02:14 PMYour nuts girl!!

Now that is one strange statement.

QuoteHope you have a great time on your trip.

Sitting in a Cracker Barrel restaurant and we two girls are just killin' it. I am so happy!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 29, 2017, 08:26:19 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 29, 2017, 08:02:14 PM
Your nuts girl!!
My apologies. I cracked up when I realised what I wrote combined with your response. Big thumbs and small phone keyboard are not always compatible. It was supposed to read "You are nuts!!!!" (In a good way of course)

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 29, 2017, 08:46:45 PM
I wouldn't worry bout it - Steph isn't that testy.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 29, 2017, 08:59:32 PM
Waitress Uber cool
"Ladies want separate checks?"
Both say, "She'll get it."
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 29, 2017, 09:00:48 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 29, 2017, 08:46:45 PM
I wouldn't worry bout it - Steph isn't that testy.
I didn't mean to balls things up
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on November 29, 2017, 09:01:27 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 29, 2017, 08:59:32 PM
Waitress Uber cool
"Ladies want separate checks?"
Both say, "She'll get it."
Cool!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 29, 2017, 10:17:27 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 29, 2017, 09:00:48 PM
I didn't mean to balls things up
Jeez. Don't leave me hangin'!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 29, 2017, 10:18:58 PM
My wife's little car
I messed up the seat settings
I'm in trouble now
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 29, 2017, 10:21:28 PM
Two girls on road trip
I'm having such a great time
Go see Laurie next?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 12:20:40 AM
Best Western Hotel
The pride of Macon Georgia
Goodnight everyone
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 30, 2017, 08:06:51 AM
Macon.  It's not just for breaskfast anymore. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 08:12:15 AM
Quote from: Kendra on November 30, 2017, 08:06:51 AM
Macon.  It's not just for breaskfast anymore.

Perfect timing!

Macon bacon, if ya know what I mean.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171130/a86f4657a083000d42cc57e8f1c28d6f.jpg)

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 08:54:52 AM
Sunshine, cool blue sky
A beautiful day as me
At last, life is sweet
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on November 30, 2017, 09:44:00 AM
You are living an awesome story girlfriend! Thank you for sharing the joys along the ride.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 10:01:49 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on November 30, 2017, 09:44:00 AM
You are living an awesome story girlfriend! Thank you for sharing the joys along the ride.

Tia Anne

Hi Tia Anne! This is my very first road trip with absolutely zero boy clothes. We had nice conversations with the lady working the hotel breakfast room and some ladies eating breakfast, with no drama.

It was dark, but I think I induced ocular leakage in Sue last night when she saw how happy I am now.

Do you still get that floaty sense of joyful disbelief that this can't be real? I wonder if I'll ever get used to it.

I'm having the time of my life!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 10:08:57 AM
I still remember it was autumn and the sun was shinin'

Our 15 Honda was roarin' through Atlanta whinin'

Get outta Georgia, better GO!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 10:12:06 AM
Damn this traffic jam
How I hate to be late
It hurt my motor to go so slow
Before I get home my supper'll be cold

Damn this traffic jam
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 10:25:46 AM
A song that has very deep personal meaning to me just came up on the music player.

Roy Orbison, Ooby Dooby:

Ooby dooby, ooby dooby
Ooby dooby ooby dooby
do wah do wah do wah

Words to live by.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 10:31:32 AM
That truck said it Hertz. I wonder why it's in pain?

(With apologies to Kurt Vonnegut)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on November 30, 2017, 11:39:46 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 10:31:32 AM
> That truck said it Hertz. I wonder why it's in pain?

Depends on frequency and location of electrolysis.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on November 30, 2017, 12:15:37 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 10:25:46 AM
A song that has very deep personal meaning to me just came up on the music player.

Roy Orbison, Ooby Dooby:

Ooby dooby, ooby dooby
Ooby dooby ooby dooby
do wah do wah do wah

Words to live by.
To Ooby or to Dooby, that is the question!

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 01:25:13 PM
Quote from: Kendra on November 30, 2017, 11:39:46 AM
Depends on frequency and location of electrolysis.

Ohhh yeah. I let Brandi shoot a laser at me yesterday. I may have said a word that rhymes with "truck."
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 01:28:07 PM
In Tennessee now. They wouldn't let us into Elevennessee, even though I have a valid "pass" port.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 30, 2017, 01:31:59 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 01:25:13 PM
Ohhh yeah. I let Brandi shoot a laser at me yesterday. I may have said a word that rhymes with "truck."

What are you trying to say Steph(anie)? Did it Hertz, hertz, or hurts. Judging by your implication in rhyme I'm even willing to say you felt megahertz.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 01:32:12 PM
Through misty mountains
Two trucks in an ugly knot
But at least no Orcs
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on November 30, 2017, 01:37:45 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 30, 2017, 01:31:59 PM
What are you trying to say Steph(anie)? Did it Hertz, hertz, or hurts.

YES!

QuoteJudging by your implication in rhyme I'm even willing to say you felt megahertz.

With increasing frequency it terahertz!

[emoji33]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on November 30, 2017, 01:45:04 PM
   Remember that with increased frequency, you'll find it gets easier to filter, giving you less ripple in your power. Don't choke it, instead use it to transform err ugh umm your presentation.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 01, 2017, 05:56:09 PM
A room full of clothes
Specially reserved for me
And most of them fit!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 01, 2017, 06:11:42 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 01, 2017, 05:56:09 PM
A room full of clothes
Specially reserved for me
And most of them fit!
Sounds like fun!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 01, 2017, 09:33:11 PM
Flying with my friend
She built a plane just like mine
Two chicks soaring high

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171202/d3de4ead88c08fa212fcd66a18962e25.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 01, 2017, 09:42:28 PM
  Looks like fun Steph(anie)

  I was going to post the first song I thought of when I saw this picture but other than the title it does not fit the joy seen in the picture.
 
    The song? Eric Burdon and The Animals - Sky Pilot (1968) HQ

  It's a good song but not appropriate for two lovely ladies in the cockpit.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 01, 2017, 10:03:47 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 01, 2017, 09:42:28 PM
  Looks like fun Steph(anie)

  I was going to post the first song I thought of when I saw this picture but other than the title it does not fit the joy seen in the picture.
 
    The song? Eric Burdon and The Animals - Sky Pilot (1968) HQ

  It's a good song but not appropriate for two lovely ladies it the cockpit.

Hugs,
   Laurie

One slight modification and we're good to go:

Sky pilot
How high can you fly
We'll always (always always)
Reach the sky.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 01, 2017, 10:52:43 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 01, 2017, 09:33:11 PM
Flying with my friend
She built a plane just like mine
Two chicks soaring high

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171202/d3de4ead88c08fa212fcd66a18962e25.jpg)
Oh Steph! You are living my dream. Building and flying my own plane is something I have hoped to be able to do some day. Life has put a halt on that for now, so I am living my dream through your tales.

That looks like nice day to go flying.....

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 01, 2017, 11:11:03 PM
Great 'til tonight, sigh.
Misgendering, deadnaming...
Not intentional.

So I love them still.
I offer a special gift:
A plane and a heart.

Appreciation
That their deep love and support
Lifts me to the sky.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171202/fe441e884787098717e7d1742d9c68d6.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 01, 2017, 11:43:27 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 01, 2017, 11:11:03 PM
Great 'til tonight, sigh.
Misgendering, deadnaming...
Not intentional.
Hopefully it won't go on for too much longer as they become used to the new you. At least it wasn't intentional.

Quote
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171202/fe441e884787098717e7d1742d9c68d6.jpg)
That is nice. I like it.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 02, 2017, 04:34:10 PM
A tearful goodbye,
Some of the best friends ever.
On the road again!

Half a tank of gas,
Clothes in back, and sunglasses -
But no cigarettes.

Stop for fuel and drinks.
"Have a beautiful day ma'am."
I certainly am.

A huge moon rising.
On the way to see more friends,
Open road ahead!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 02, 2017, 09:23:21 PM
Dinner with best friends
Looking good and feeling great
Life is pretty good

No longer a doubt
Definitely RLE
I am Stephanie

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171203/e047b622d78e2e225e2eeb449ea35cbe.jpg)

Sue and Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 02, 2017, 09:36:41 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 02, 2017, 09:23:21 PM
Dinner with best friends
Looking good and feeling great
Life is pretty good
That is wonderful Steph. I am so happy for you

Quote
No longer a doubt
...
I am Stephanie
Yes you are!!!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 03, 2017, 04:17:38 PM
Knoxville... Atlanta...
Heading for home and our dog
Valdosta... Gainesville...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171203/12adfa9d39c8330b3a5fa50f2ee6135d.jpg)

Yes, we're nuts...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 03, 2017, 04:21:08 PM
You're positively beaming, and looking fab. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 03, 2017, 04:40:15 PM
Quote from: Megan. on December 03, 2017, 04:21:08 PM
You're positively beaming, and looking fab. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

We've been in plenty of road trips before, but I don't remember any where I have been in a better mood and so relaxed for the entire trip.

I think being the appropriate gender agrees with me! [emoji1][emoji6][emoji1303][emoji1384]‍♀️

Steph!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 03, 2017, 05:06:08 PM
Here we come a-wassailing
Among the leaves so green,
Here we come a-wand'ring
So fair to be seen.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail, too,
And God bless you, and send you
A Happy New Year

Happy wandering Steph(anie) and Sue
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 03, 2017, 05:16:35 PM
Thank you Lau(rie)! We've been doing a fair amount of singing in the car, though mostly Jimmy Buffett tunes, not Christmas carols.

Sue, who is a very trivial person, informs me that wassailing was originally closer to a pub crawl, going house to house for Christmas drinks. I wish I'd known that earlier!

Sober Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 03, 2017, 05:30:31 PM
  Sue would be correct from what I've read but there is a nonalcoholic version that is quite spicy and sweet served hot. We made it way back when in elementary school and a few time since at home when I was a kid. I also like the song for it's good wishes and whimsical joy. But then I always did like caroling songs. There are some things I still like from the religious experiences of my youth.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 04, 2017, 10:15:01 PM
Back home and unpacked,
Reflecting on the great trip:
What wonderful friends!

The whole trip as me.
Never once reverting back.
Permanently real.

I hope you had fun.
Thanks for riding along, too.
Sharing it was great.


My trip as haiku,
Another chapter is closed.
More joy is coming!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 04, 2017, 10:28:21 PM
Glad you two made it home safe and sound and had a great time in doing it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 04, 2017, 10:39:24 PM
That is wonderful Steph, I'm glad it was such a great trip for you both.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 04, 2017, 10:44:50 PM
A new friend went back and reread my coming out letter on my Facebook page. I came to know him and get him as a FB friend almost by accident. I'm a member of a Facebook group about a plane I used to sell and support. A friend of mine knew that I'd come out on my personal FB page, and thought it was all public. He mentioned that there were wonderful things happening in my life, and everyone should take a look at my page. Of course, my page is locked down tight, for friends only. DF, referenced below, was someone who'd heard of me because of my technical expertise in his plane, but we'd never conversed. He was curious, and asked to Friend me so he could see what was going on. I took a chance on him and let him in. And he surprised me with his positive response when he first read my coming out letter back in October.

After he reread my letter today we traded some comments about it. i thought I'd share them here:

QuoteDF: I just read this again, good information and happy for you Steph

--

Steph: Wow, D. It's pretty cool that you were interested enough to revisit that. I wish everyone was as open-minded and accepting as you are. Though I can't complain - everybody I care about cares back.

Thanks!

--

DF: Your very welcome Steph, all that really matters in life is that we are somewhat happy and appreciate our own lives, without hurting others in the process of getting our own happiness. Happy for you Steph

--

Steph: D, I've also been learning that happiness is contagious. The best the old glum me could muster was wry and self-deprecating humor, and it got me by, but invited the same response from those around me. Now with this unending smile that's driven by my internal joy, I get a lot more of those same smiles in return. True happiness invokes the same in others. That's gold.

And in the process of learning to love myself, I've come to appreciate how precious other people are, too. I never ever expected anything but rejection, hatred, and at best, confusion and a distancing from the vast majority of my circle of family, friends, and acquaintances. Considering that I don't believe I've done anything in my life outstanding enough to have earned the overwhelmingly loving response I've received, I can only attribute it to the inherent goodness and decency of "ordinary" people. Of course, "ordinary" is a misnomer. Those who are capable of stepping beyond their preconceptions and misconceptions and loving others despite their differences deserve to be called "extraordinary." Understanding is not necessary for love.

How I managed to be associated with so many extraordinary people I'll never know, but I'll also never stop appreciating them.

So for everyone reading this, the above is written for you. My thanks and love to you all.

And all that applies to my friends here on Susan's, too.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 04, 2017, 10:56:06 PM
Damned hormones...

This morning as I sat in my jammies trying to catch up on emails after my trip, I reached across my desk... and knocked over my huge mug of hot tea. Hot tea all over me, my chair, my desk, the floor - and worst, the paperwork on my desk, which included all of my court paperwork for my name change hearing.

In the past, I would have been yelling and cursing and throwing things and running around like a mad person. What did I do this time?

I burst into tears.

Trying to absorb all that tea with paper towels while I could barely see. So embarrassed that I was crying that I cried even harder. Good grief!

Luckily, only the outside folder the court paperwork was in got wet, and damage was minimal for most everything else. The computer escaped unscathed, so everything is pretty much back to normal.

But wow, I wasn't expecting that!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 04, 2017, 11:14:41 PM
I don't think that's what they meant when they say cross the "T"eas and dot the "i"s.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 04, 2017, 11:17:18 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 04, 2017, 11:14:41 PM
I don't think that's what they meant when they say cross the "T"eas and dot the "i"s.

LOL! I'll be a lot more careful about crossing my T next time, so I don't have to wipe my I's.

Besides, I'm trying to lower my T...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 04, 2017, 11:35:56 PM
Well... one more interesting thing happened today. I'll write about that then call it a day.

Remember that picture I posted a few days ago when Sue and I went out to eat with me rocking the country girl look? I posted that to my Facebook page, too. I was experimenting with the "tag" feature where you attach a name to faces in pictures, and accidentally tagged my wife, then went back and removed the tag.

She runs with her own social crowd that involves her favorite sport (indoor badminton). Some of them have met me in my previous incarnation, but I never spent much time with them, usually preferring to stay home and work in the shop or go flying. Most of them only know me through stories that Sue's told them of some of our exploits. They've always invited me  to come to open play or hang out with them socially, but it rarely worked out. And they know nothing about my transition.

But... All of a sudden that picture is getting Likes from people I don't know. Whuh??? It turns out that I didn't get that tag off her picture after all. So her Facebook friends, most of whom are her badminton buddies, have been seeing the picture and liking it. (Got a Like from her brother, too, who she just told about me last week.)

Actually, neither of us minds all that much. Sue just rolls with everything as it comes along, and has even been encouraging me to just show up at their get togethers and let the chips fall as they may. And I don't really care either, as long as they continue to treat her well.

But we're curious if they really understand who that other girl is in the picture?

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 04, 2017, 11:36:24 PM
Yes, lower T is better than High T(ea).

I was trying to think of something witty about E, but I've drawn a blank......
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 04, 2017, 11:40:37 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 04, 2017, 11:36:24 PM
Yes, lower T is better than High T(ea).

I was trying to think of something witty about E, but I've drawn a blank......

Heh. I've experienced high T, but not high tea.

But I'm not going to write an E-book about it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 04, 2017, 11:41:43 PM
I used to have a Facebook account that my wife set up for me. I never really got the hang of it. I would post something that I though only my wife would see and it turns out all her Facebook friends and their Facebook friends got the same message. I soon stopped using it because I had no idea how all the features worked. so be careful what you do on that as nothing stays private. [emoji846]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 04, 2017, 11:49:02 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 04, 2017, 11:41:43 PM
I used to have a Facebook account that my wife set up for me. I never really got the hang of it. I would post something that I though only my wife would see and it turns out all her Facebook friends and their Facebook friends got the same message. I soon stopped using it because I had no idea how all the features worked. so be careful what you do on that as nothing stays private. [emoji846]

Yeah, I took a lot of care to get it all locked down as tight as FB allows, and it seems to have been pretty private until now. And I just don't care any more. They were going to find out sooner or later anyhow, and considering that I don't hang out with them much, I don't really care what they think of it all - as long as they continue treating Sue well.

It is what it is, and I yam what I yam...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 04, 2017, 11:50:16 PM
QuoteI've also been learning that happiness is contagious. The best the old glum me could muster was wry and self-deprecating humor, and it got me by, but invited the same response from those around me. Now with this unending smile that's driven by my internal joy, I get a lot more of those same smiles in return. True happiness invokes the same in others. That's gold.

And in the process of learning to love myself, I've come to appreciate how precious other people are, too. I never ever expected anything but rejection, hatred, and at best, confusion and a distancing from the vast majority of my circle of family, friends, and acquaintances. Considering that I don't believe I've done anything in my life outstanding enough to have earned the overwhelmingly loving response I've received, I can only attribute it to the inherent goodness and decency of "ordinary" people. Of course, "ordinary" is a misnomer. Those who are capable of stepping beyond their preconceptions and misconceptions and loving others despite their differences deserve to be called "extraordinary." Understanding is not necessary for love.

  As I read this post the tears ran down my cheeks.

  How I envy you Stephanie. Your joy and happiness.

  I have never learned to love myself and what I feel is far from it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 04, 2017, 11:57:09 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 04, 2017, 11:50:16 PM
  As I read this post the tears ran down my cheeks.

  How I envy you Stephanie. Your joy and happiness.

  I have never learned to love myself and what I feel is far from it.

Well, think of it this way: We here at Susan's are your family now. We're the "ordinary" people I wrote about, and we love you in the way I've found acceptance from my friends.

And it's OK if you don't love yourself yet. We'll cover for you until you catch up. You'll get there eventually. Why? Because I said so!

Your sister,

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 05, 2017, 01:02:09 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 04, 2017, 11:57:09 PM
Well, think of it this way: We here at Susan's are your family now. We're the "ordinary" people I wrote about, and we love you in the way I've found acceptance from my friends.

And it's OK if you don't love yourself yet. We'll cover for you until you catch up. You'll get there eventually. Why? Because I said so!

Your sister,

Steph
Ditto!!!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 05, 2017, 08:54:10 AM
I'm looking for a little feedback on an idea I have. I love my family, friends, and neighbors so much for their unquestioning support, but they're still struggling with pronouns (though they mostly have the name right). Some time after my name change, I plan to have a party to celebrate and thank them all, and I thought of a little ritual that I'm wondering will help.

I'll have a bonfire in the backyard, and pass out a pen and two blank post-it notes to each person. I'll ask them to take one note and write my old name, and "He, Him, His" on it. Maybe "Sir, Mr., Dude", too. Then take the other note and write my new name, and "She, Her, Hers" on that one. Possibly "Mrs., Ms., Chickie Babe" or something similarly silly, too.

Then I'll ask them to hold up and read the old one, crumple it up, and throw it in the fire - and put the new one in their pocket. Later when they get home and take it out of their pocket, it'll be a reminder. Maybe they'll leave it on their dresser or counter and get their memory refreshed occasionally. Or they may do what I'm usually guilty of, which is leave it in the pocket and launder the clothes. That's why, despite hating to reinforce stereotypes, I'm thinking about blue and pink notes. At least when they pull a crumpled, unreadable piece of pink paper out of their pocket, they may remember what it represents.

Anyway, is that too much to ask them to do, and do you think it would help?

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 05, 2017, 10:44:46 AM
It sounds corny, but I like it.  Rituals are an effective way to socialize any transition.  That's why we have weddings, bar/bat mitzahs, baby showers, funerals, etc.  So why not a ritual to help socialize your gender transition?  Have fun with it!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 05, 2017, 03:44:45 PM
I agree with Kathy. It sounds like a ritual, but it is important to you that you are gendered and named correctly. This would get the message across in a fun kind of way while highlighting what is important to you. It sounds like you have a great group of friends who would understand the point you are trying to make. I think it's worth a try, it can't hurt.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 05, 2017, 04:07:27 PM
 Hmmm A ritual of friends gathered in the night around a fire burning symbols to ward off evil and holding onto those that are good. All it needs is a kettle of hot wassail over the fire with which one can drink to the spirits that over see us all and warm the soul.

   Sounds fun but I'd keep my clothes on myself ...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 05, 2017, 10:44:33 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 05, 2017, 04:07:27 PM
Hmmm A ritual of friends gathered in the night around a fire burning symbols to ward off evil and holding onto those that are good. All it needs is a kettle of hot wassail over the fire with which one can drink to the spirits that over see us all and warm the soul.

   Sounds fun but I'd keep my clothes on myself ...

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

MMMMmmmmm. A cup for you, my dear?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 05, 2017, 11:29:41 PM
Thanks for the feedback, friends. I haven't made a decision about it yet. I've gotten suggestions from friends on other channels that maybe it would be too much to ask of cis-friends. Instead it was suggested I send out a nice party invitation with a picture of me all dolled up, and text along the lines of "Stephanie Rhapsody Bxx cordially invites you to her home for a celebration of her new life. Make the rest flowery and feminine with lots of pronouns and Ms.'s or Mrs.'s to get the point across.

Dunno. Still thinking about it. Maybe a simplified combination of the two.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 06, 2017, 07:46:57 AM
Great start to the day: our dog was nudging my wife for some breakfast while I waited in the kitchen with her can of food in my hand. (My dog's food, not my wife's, silly.)

My wife told her, "Go see what your other Mom has for you!"

Warm fuzzies...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 06, 2017, 07:56:57 AM
That's awesome.  There's nothing in the world as good as a supportive wife!

Our dog has always known me as 'Dad', and we decided to keep it that way to avoid confusion.  The grammar gets a bit counterintuitive, and I have to be careful not to misgender myself.  As in: "Dad is putting on her walking shoes and you know what that means, don't you?"
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 06, 2017, 08:03:32 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 06, 2017, 07:46:57 AM
Great start to the day: our dog was nudging my wife for some breakfast while I waited in the kitchen with her can of food in my hand. (My dog's food, not my wife's, silly.)

My wife told her, "Go see what your other Mom has for you!"

Warm fuzzies...

Steph
Got yourself a 'keeper' right there [emoji6]. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 06, 2017, 08:05:27 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 06, 2017, 07:56:57 AM
That's awesome.  There's nothing in the world as good as a supportive wife!

Our dog has always known me as 'Dad', and we decided to keep it that way to avoid confusion.  The grammar gets a bit counterintuitive, and I have to be careful not to misgender myself.  As in: "Dad is putting on her walking shoes and you know what that means, don't you?"

Yeah, that could be confusing! In Maggie's case, it doesn't much matter anyhow, since she's now mostly deaf. Most communication is via hand gestures, and I don't want to think about how we'd differentiate between genders that way...

As long as she gets her walks, food, snacks, and belly rubs, she's got her tail in the air like she just don't care.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 06, 2017, 11:11:05 AM
Quote from: Megan. on December 06, 2017, 08:03:32 AM
Got yourself a 'keeper' right there [emoji6]. X

Indeed I do! Even better, she wants to keep me!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 06, 2017, 11:12:06 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 06, 2017, 11:11:05 AM
Indeed I do! Even better, she wants to keep me!
Of course she does,  obviously a very smart person. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 06, 2017, 11:54:39 AM
Happy dance!

Our new dishwasher was just delivered. I'm in full Steph mode, and welcomed them in with no drama. Even had a short conversation about living on an airport.

No names or pronouns exchanged, but no strange looks either. Apparently even my voice passed.

Squeeeeee!

Steph

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171206/1f188544ef5037d2881b0ec7b4f52109.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 06, 2017, 06:15:48 PM
Steph,

Enjoy the milestone of your time in court getting "Officiated" tomorrow! You have been looking forward to this for so long, do it with style. We want pictures!

Hugs,
Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 06, 2017, 11:06:12 PM
I decided I'd better get some waterproof eyeliner and mascara, among other things, for the big day tomorrow. I know for a fact that there'll be no way to contain the ocular leakage.

So I drove to a nearby town and marched into the Sally Beauty Supply store there - and was immediately lost. I was aimlessly wandering when a lady came out of the back room and asked if she could help. I started going down my list, and one thing led to another... and I just laid it all out for her. How I'm trans and tomorrow is my name change court date and I don't know what the heck I'm doing and I could really use some help and... and she congratulated me with a big smile. From that point on she led me by the hand all over the store and made a lot of great recommendations. I was especially impressed by the fact that she suggested I go to Walmart and buy cheap stuff in small quantities to experiment with different colors, etc.  As I checked out she asked what I was changing my name to. When I'd paid she called the other cashier up front to cover for her so she could walk me to the door, and wish me (Stephanie) good luck tomorrow. I got a hug and was on my way.

All in the interest of a sale? Maybe, but she did seem to go out of her way to recommend colors, etc, and she did make that recommendation to go elsewhere to buy cheap stuff first. In any case, I didn't spend a lot this time, but I'll likely be back.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 07, 2017, 01:23:38 AM
The genuine kindness of others is a precious thing; but in your case, certainly deserved. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 07, 2017, 04:07:06 AM
Hey Steph! Just caught up in your thread, lots more happy stories from you. That is so nice. I am really happy for you. I wish I could be at your court peanut gallery. I'll be thinking of you. I hope it all goes smoothly. I am looking forward to hearing all about it. I'm sure you must be very excited.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 07, 2017, 12:51:04 PM
I hope your day in court is all you hoped it could be Stephanie.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 07, 2017, 05:24:55 PM
Hey Steph,

How did the courts go today? Did they declare you to be officially you? FYI, I received my court notice today making my name official, does that make two of us today?

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 07, 2017, 06:33:21 PM
The world awaits... <drum roll> ...    ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 07, 2017, 07:31:40 PM
Sorry to keep y'all waiting. It was a wonderful day, though things aren't quite complete yet. My evening project is to type up a full report for submission to the committee, but my wife says I have to feed her first. Back in a bit...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 07, 2017, 07:42:17 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on December 07, 2017, 05:24:55 PM
Hey Steph,

How did the courts go today? Did they declare you to be officially you? FYI, I received my court notice today making my name official, does that make two of us today?

Tia Anne

Congratulations Tia. Ask Debi to give you a good squeeze for me.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: The Flying Lemur on December 07, 2017, 10:30:24 PM
This is awesome, Steph!  I'm sorry to hear you're stuck with more paperwork, but it's great to know the name change is in sight!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 07, 2017, 11:55:59 PM
Girl Harbor Day
December, 7th, 2017
A date which will live in infamy...

Preface: I wrote about my trip for waterproof mascara and eyeliner yesterday, so I thought I'd give it a try last night. I ended up wearing it to bed as a test...

Our story starts out early, as usual, with a spiro-induced trip to the ladies room, after which I lay awake, thinking about the upcoming day. What would I tell the judge when she asked, as I'd been told to expect, "What is the reason for changing your name?" Many different things went through my noggin, from the simplest recommended, "It fits me better," to long involved explanations that nobody wanted to sit through. I got myself worked up until I induced ocular leakage, and finally decided on, "It's appropriate - it's necessary - for me to finally... finally just be. Satisfied, I dropped back off to sleep.

Up earlier than usual to give myself plenty of time to get ready. Looked in the mirror, and saw a cross between Rocky Raccoon and Tammy Faye Bakker. So much for waterproof eyeliner...

With the advice of friends in person and here on Susan's, I'd picked out a black dress, a pearl necklace and earrings (of course), my favorite brooch of an airplane skywriting a heart, and two-inch pumps. As I finished getting dressed, the first of my entourage arrived.My new friend Cassandra got up extra early to drive an hour here so she could give me moral support. I met her at an Orlando support group meeting, and we hit it off right away, and have become good friends since. Next, my Mom and her hubby arrived, followed by my friends Delores and Bonnie. My neighbors J and D were going to meet us at the courthouse. Including my wife, that meant I had eight people in my posse.

The courthouse is 10 minutes from home, so we drove over at 8:30 for the 9:00 appointment. Unlike some pictures I've seen (like Kendra's), there's no way to get pictures outside the courtroom, because all electronic devices of any kind are banned from the building. I set off the alarm in the metal detector, so got wanded by the deputy (must have been the brooch or necklace), with no indication of anything unusual (yay!). The deputy running the x-ray scanner joked that he had a button to make the magnetic detector beep so the other deputy with the wand would have something to do once in a while. Up to the second floor, and checked in with the bailiff (just using the last name). Apparently you wait outside the courtroom and each case is called in individually, so the only people in the room would be myself, family, and friends. After waiting a while, the bailiff came back out and called for Stephanie Bxxx, and explained where I would be sitting, where the rest of the peanut gallery would go (sitting in the gallery behind me), and to address the magistrate with yes ma'am, no ma'am, and your honor. A few minutes later the previous occupants walked out, the bailiff called for Stephanie Bxxx again, and in we went.

Our host was a very sweet lady who welcomed us all in, asked my current name and address, and checked all the paperwork I'd submitted electronically on the screen next to her (petition, social security card, birth certificate, fingerprints, and notarized affidavit of residency). She asked a bunch of questions about convictions (convicted? No... never convicted. Just kidding...), bankruptcies, liens, etc. I've lived a pretty boring life, so there was nothing to report. We talked a bit about the fact that my parents had put "Steve R" on my social security card instead of the Stephen Richard I'd used on all other legal paperwork. No problems there. She explained what would happen next: Since she's a magistrate, she has to turn the paperwork over to a judge who reviews and signs it, finishes the report, and sends it to me via snail-mail in two stamped envelopes I had to supply. She also said there would be a 10-day waiting period where I could take the opportunity to contest the ruling - unless I chose to waive it. We both smiled and laughed when I told her I would definitely be waiving that right. She said the judge would probably be reviewing cases this afternoon, and would get them in the mail tomorrow or the next day. The bailiff had me initial and sign my current name to a document, collected the envelopes from my wife, and we were done. Just like that. Never even got asked "why."

As the bailiff ushered us out, I looked back and saw that my neighbor D had gone up to the magistrate's dais and was smiling and laughing with her. It turns out that her honor had never had that many people accompany a petitioner before, and was amazed by the support team who'd come with me. I was, too...

It was a cool rainy morning in Florida as we walked out, but I felt pretty warm with all that love surrounding me.

We had been wanting to find a place we could all go to brunch, preferably one that served mimosas. No such luck in this part o' Florida. So despite the fact that I was way overdressed for the place, we decided to go to one of the greasy spoons here in town. And wow, am I ever glad we did.

Our waiter Jason was awesome. We had a great breakfast, with Jason taking pictures of us all and joining in the fun. That's why it was strange when he started clearing the table as soon as plates were emptied, and apologized for starting to reset the table with napkins, clean plates, and silverware while we were still sitting there. It seemed kind of rude... until he came out with a cake that said, "Congratulation Stephanie" on it. Everyone at the table yelled "Congratulations Stephanie!" and everyone in the whole restaurant applauded. That's when the ocular plumbing started oozing again. When Bonnie had left the table earlier to "use the ladies room" she'd actually gone to the kitchen and talked to the manager about coming up with a cake. He pulled one out and decorated it while we ate. Wow. Just wow...

After a few more pictures by Jason (and with Jason) we got ready to leave. He congratulated me privately, and let me know that he knew what we were celebrating, and not only did he think it was cool, but that Darrell, the owner of the restaurant (and the other 13 or so restaurants in the chain here in Florida) was his husband.

Most of us went back to my hacienda and took some more pictures. Cassie had never been here before, so I showed her around my shop and hangar, and after some more socializing, everyone departed for home. After I took Maggie for a long walk while thinking about the day, I spent the rest of the afternoon studying the inside of my eyelids with a well-earned overdue nap.

So... I still don't have the final paperwork, but it's in process. I expect to see it on Monday or Tuesday. Then I need to get it to my endo so she'll write the "appropriate clinical treatment" letter for the gender marker change, and then it's off to social security. After two days for the data to percolate through the system, I go to the DMV and get the registrations changed on my vehicles, and a new drivers license.

Thank you to great family and friends. That includes you all here on Susan's.

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger (pending)

Here are some memories:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/y63lmbmommz1mkr/Congrats%20Steph.jpg?raw=1)
Surprise Cake

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/lnm68hkpk4z9pk9/Posse.jpg?raw=1)
The Entourage

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/y9hwp9m8rh1a6jp/Posse%20with%20Jason.jpg?raw=1)
Jason Photobomb

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/fuqpovh97zg6bx2/Happy%20Steph.jpg?raw=1)
Happy Steph

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/4kn067nlz2wuv8n/Steph%20and%20Cassie.jpg?raw=1)
Stephanie and Cassie

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/5prfttllhdoshxr/Steph%20and%20Sue.jpg?raw=1)
Stephanie and Sue

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/x23a5viwyo2zsyd/Steph%20and%20Mom%20and%20Hubby.jpg?raw=1)
Stephanie and Mom and Hubby

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 08, 2017, 12:11:53 AM
Purty cool Stephanie purty cool.

Congratulations (pending)

Hugs,
   Laurie

(I found a different place for the parenthesis)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 08, 2017, 06:33:06 AM
Wow, what an excellent day, and what a great extended family you have!  Congratulations on being (almost) officially you!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 08, 2017, 08:13:25 AM
Yay! Awsome day, for an awsome woman from a butch of awsome friends.

Sending my heartfelt congratulations. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 08, 2017, 08:52:40 AM
Quote from: Megan. on December 08, 2017, 08:13:25 AM
Yay! Awsome day, for an awsome woman from a butch of awsome friends.

Haaahaha!! Some of my friends are pretty tough, but I wouldn't call them butch!  :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 08, 2017, 09:38:19 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 07, 2017, 07:31:40 PM
My evening project is to type up a full report for submission to the committee

PS: by that I meant my report for all of you. I've already done everything necessary for the county. Now I just wait...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 08, 2017, 09:49:33 AM
congrats on moving forward, and having such a great support group. I'd be able to pull of maybe, 3 people. And they're immediate family. Friends? what are those? ......
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 08, 2017, 10:20:15 AM
Stephanie, congratulations - you definitely earned it! 

Yesterday I mailed copies of my name change order to the three US credit reporting companies.  I figure if one of them is going to mishandle private information at least I want it leaked accurately.   :P

It's been a month but I still smile every time I see my new driver license.  I feel 16 again (just don't tell my car insurance company).

Quote from: Faith on December 08, 2017, 09:49:33 AM
congrats on moving forward, and having such a great support group. I'd be able to pull of maybe, 3 people. And they're immediate family. Friends? what are those? ......

Faith, I found some existing connections seemed distant or permanently startled after I came out as transgender.  No worries, that just frees up time to make great new friends that are real.  ;)   Ya only gots so many hours in a day.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 08, 2017, 11:39:45 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 08, 2017, 08:52:40 AM
Haaahaha!! Some of my friends are pretty tough, but I wouldn't call them butch!  :D
Haha, typo obviously! Meant to say "bunch". X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 08, 2017, 01:05:09 PM
Quote from: Megan. on December 08, 2017, 11:39:45 AM
Haha, typo obviously! Meant to say "bunch".

🤣 I was just thinking, if I called them butch, they'd probably beat me up.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 08, 2017, 01:19:06 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 08, 2017, 01:05:09 PM
🤣 I was just thinking, if I called them butch, they'd probably beat me up.
[emoji23] I was right all along!

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 08, 2017, 05:12:48 PM
Congratulations Steph!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 08, 2017, 10:53:00 PM
Thanks for all the good wishes, everyone. It won't feel real until I have that order in my hand. Hopefully Monday or Tuesday. And I really think, as Kendra noted, that the actual watershed moment will be when I have that new driver's license in my sweaty little palm. That will be the first official document that will show a gender marker. I can then show that to anyone who continues to misgender me.

On to more fun things! I have set a date for my coming out party. I was originally going to have it to come out to my neighborhood, then right at the court date. Neither of those worked out. So, after verifying that my friends from far away can make it, I've set the date for New Years Eve, 2017.

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger's New Year / New Life Party. And all ya gotta do to join is sing a few bars next time it comes around on the gitar. Oh, sorry, wrong holiday...

In any case, all y'all are invited!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 01:00:50 PM
Well, friends, remember when I asked if I should go to the 50th anniversary party of the guy who tried to convert me to his religion?

Well, I'm there now. I came close to a full-on panic attack as I was getting ready. So far so good, but still pretty jumpy. My friends have told me that I'm presenting 100% female, but the lady serving coffee just misgendered me. She corrected from "yes, sir" to "yes, ma'am" to "dear" within seconds, but it was still kind of disheartening.

Our dog is welcome here when we come, but she's as freaked out by the crowds as I am. We're keeping each other company in a back room while we gather our wits. Have to go back out there sooner or later if I want to eat.

Wish me luck...

Shaky Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 09, 2017, 01:03:24 PM
Come'on Steph, you're doing great. I have female family members that look more manly than you do.

And if that didn't come out right, that's a compliment ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 01:04:44 PM
Thank you Faith. I really need that right now.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 01:09:44 PM
Me and Maggie

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171209/db6146fc42ff30c30aee5021d23116cd.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 09, 2017, 01:09:45 PM
You have nothing to worry about Steph. You've got this. Enjoy the party.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 09, 2017, 01:11:34 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 01:09:44 PM
Me and Maggie

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171209/db6146fc42ff30c30aee5021d23116cd.jpg)
You look great Steph....and so does Maggie, she is cute.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 09, 2017, 01:30:30 PM
Get out there and mingle, hun.  Show 'em that big smile.  You'll be fine.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 09, 2017, 01:39:15 PM
Climb up on a table and start dancing,  I'm sure they'll all join in [emoji16]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 03:50:13 PM
Quote from: Megan. on December 09, 2017, 01:39:15 PM
Climb up on a table and start dancing,  I'm sure they'll all join in [emoji16]

Megan, they're allowing me to contact one person. Can you send bail?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 09, 2017, 03:52:56 PM
Let me check down the back of my sofa...

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 04:01:33 PM
Faith, Jayne, Kathy, Megan,

Thank you so much for the moral support. I'm sorry to be such a basket case. It's hard to believe that I just spent five days and 1400 miles on the road presenting as myself, and I can't handle one simple little social event. It does seem that the more intimate the interactions, the harder it is for me. I do much better with total strangers than I do with friends and acquaintances.

On top of that, yesterday and today are the target days for my 3 1/2 week meltdown cycle I've identified. Whether it's real or a self-fulfilling prophecy now, I can't tell, but I've been anxious and weepy for the last two days.

Anyway, I managed to surround myself with good friends, and distracted myself with airplane talk during lunch. I'm back home and decompressing now. I think all three of us are going to take a winter nap now (it's ridiculously cold and blustery out there - 53F and dropping.

Thanks again,

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 09, 2017, 04:07:20 PM
Those close social events can be the hardest, you did well, and next time it'll be easier. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 04:09:00 PM
Stephanie

  You did (fine). And you've done wonderfully all week. Stop beating on yourself and letting your anxieties get the best of you. It is perfectly normal that people closer to you cause you more concern. You have to deal with them on an ongoing basis and that alone can cause you more anxiety. Now (Lady), you just stop that nonsense.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 09, 2017, 04:31:10 PM
You are doing great Steph. Strangers are easier to deal with. You have no history with strangers. Don't beat yourself up too much.

Also, if you are worried about creating a self fulfilling prophecy with the 3 1/2 week cycle, turn it around and make the prophecy about something positive. You have just had your name change hearing with some final paperwork to come. Use that as a positive event to boost your spirit every 3 1/2 weeks.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 04:32:22 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 04:09:00 PM
Stephanie

  You did (fine). And you've done wonderfully all week. Stop beating on yourself and letting your anxieties get the best of you. It is perfectly normal that people closer to you cause you more concern. You have to deal with them on an ongoing basis and that alone can cause you more anxiety. Now (Lady), you just stop that nonsense.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Yes ma'am. I'm trying ma'am. Both Maggie and I had a ruff day, but we're starting to recover. When my neighbors B and K realized how stressed I was, they invited us down for some pina colada therapy. I'll be better in about 32 ounces.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 04:35:58 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 09, 2017, 04:31:10 PM
You are doing great Steph. Strangers are easier to deal with. You have no history with strangers. Don't beat yourself up too much.

Also, if you are worried about creating a self fulfilling prophecy with the 3 1/2 week cycle, turn it around and make the prophecy about something positive. You have just had your name change hearing with some final paperwork to come. Use that as a positive event to boost your spirit every 3 1/2 weeks.

Jayne

Jayne,

Thank you for the kind words. I know you're having a tough time yourself right now, so the fact that you can be encouraging for me means a lot. I hope you can take some of your own good advice to heart and get to feeling better, too.

Maybe our cycles are getting in sync?

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 09, 2017, 04:46:44 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 04:35:58 PM
Maybe our cycles are getting in sync?
Uh oh! That sounds serious.

Now when you say cycles, my mind starts thinking tricycle, as in undercarriage. [emoji12]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 07:58:31 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 09, 2017, 04:46:44 PM
Uh oh! That sounds serious.

Now when you say cycles, my mind starts thinking tricycle, as in undercarriage. [emoji12]

That's the silliness I like to hear from you. I hope you're feeling better.

Though I didn't enjoy it when I was draggin' tail earlier, I still think taildraggers are the way to go.

Seriously, though, thank you everyone for your help today. Though we may be isolated physically, it's good to feel the warmth and closeness we all have here. I've never met any of you in person, I've only talked to Laurie on the phone, and I don't even know what some of you look like, but none of that matters. Our commonality of experience lets us help each other in ways that even trained therapists can't. We just get it the way only someone who's BTDT can.

While it feels wonderful to receive help when I'm down, it feels even better when I can help someone else. What a great resource we have here in Susan's Place!

Steph

PS: Pina Colada therapy and warm conversation with good neighbors, along with your help, have me back on an even keel. Looking forward to meeting Denise from the forums in Orlando tomorrow!

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 08:13:54 PM
  I am sure you, Sue and Denise will enjoy the visit. There is just something very cool about meeting someone in the flesh that you've known on the internet. Give her a hugs from me if you will.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 08:20:37 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 08:13:54 PM
  I am sure you, Sue and Denise will enjoy the visit. There is just something very cool about meeting someone in the flesh that you've known on the internet. Give her a hugs from me if you will.

You got it! My friend Cassie is going to meet us there, too. Sue will be the only cisperson around!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 09, 2017, 08:24:02 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 07:58:31 PM
That's the silliness I like to hear from you. I hope you're feeling better.
Silly? Me? You must have me mistaken for someone else. I am feeling much better, thank you.

Quote
Though I didn't enjoy it when I was draggin' tail earlier, I still think taildraggers are the way to go.
People keep telling me that the nosewheel belongs at the back. That is another thing I need to do, get my taildragger endorsement.

Quote
Seriously, though, thank you everyone for your help today. Though we may be isolated physically, it's good to feel the warmth and closeness we all have here. I've never met any of you in person, I've only talked to Laurie on the phone, and I don't even know what some of you look like, but none of that matters. Our commonality of experience lets us help each other in ways that even trained therapists can't. We just get it the way only someone who's BTDT can.

While it feels wonderful to receive help when I'm down, it feels even better when I can help someone else. What a great resource we have here in Susan's Place!

Steph

PS: Pina Colada therapy and warm conversation with good neighbors, along with your help, have me back on an even keel. Looking forward to meeting Denise from the forums in Orlando tomorrow!
We are here to help each other. Sometimes we need support, sometimes we give support. This forum is a great place. I agree with you. We don't need to have met in person to help each other.

I'm glad the Pina Colada therapy was helpful.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 08:25:01 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 08:20:37 PM
You got it! My friend Cassie is going to meet us there, too. Sue will be the only cisperson around!

Steph

  Hey Lady, Don't go singling Sue out like that. With all the support she's given you, she's one of us too. Give that one a hug for me too. I think she deserves it big time.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 08:41:26 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 08:25:01 PM
  Hey Lady, Don't go singling Sue out like that. With all the support she's given you, she's one of us too. Give that one a hug for me too. I think she deserves it big time.

She deserves every hug I can give her. I'm sure she'll be happy to accept proxy hugs from everyone else, too.

During our conversation with our neighbors tonight, we talked a lot more in-depth about my situation than we ever had before. At one point we were talking about just this, how wonderful it was that Sue stayed with me. She just about had me in tears when she asked, "Why would I leave my best friend?" I've never felt like I've earned the right to be anybody's best friend, and that touched me deeply.

As for being trans... well, she has always said that she's part lizard, meaning because she's always cold, she must be cold-blooded. She has also always loved dragons. Sometimes I introduce her as "The Dragon Lady," and I've had people whisper to me, "She lets you call her that?!" Actually, that's what she calls herself. So I suppose she could be the world's first transreptilian person. Or maybe she's just cisdragon...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Denise on December 09, 2017, 10:14:35 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 07:58:31 PM
... Looking forward to meeting Denise from the forums in Orlando tomorrow!

As I am looking forward to meeting you, Sue and Cassandra.  Congratulations (although I'll reiterate this when I see you) on the name change being all but done.  Now the fun begins (changing everything). 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 10:34:10 PM
Denise,

  I would ask you to give Stephanie a hug from me Except that she is just going to have to wait for the one I am going to give her myself.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 10, 2017, 12:13:01 AM
Quote from: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 10:34:10 PM
Denise,

  I would ask you to give Stephanie a hug from me Except that she is just going to have to wait for the one I am going to give her myself.

I am going to hold you to that promise. And I've got a big hug wrapped up and ready for delivery for you, too. I'll be waiting.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 10, 2017, 08:09:11 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 09, 2017, 04:01:33 PMIt does seem that the more intimate the interactions, the harder it is for me. I do much better with total strangers than I do with friends and acquaintances.
Well, duh, yeah.  Of course it's harder.  Cut yourself some slack.  You showed up, you talked to some people.  Ya done good, girl!  Trust me, it will get easier with time.

Kudos to your neighbours for picking up on your vibe and helping you to de-stress.  You've got to love friends like that.

Hugs.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 10, 2017, 08:20:24 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 10, 2017, 08:09:11 AMKudos to your neighbours for picking up on your vibe and helping you to de-stress.  You've got to love friends like that.

I do, and I let them know that in no uncertain terms as we left last night. We had a very open conversation not just about what Sue and I are going through, but about some traumatic things they're dealing with as well. It was all very intimate and warm, and they had actually gone out and bought pina colada ingredients just for us, despite him much preferring his Bud Light. It was the kind of thing that I had never anticipated when I came out to them. B served in the Navy and played football in college, and is "all man" (whatever that means). K, while not completely getting it, is just a sweetheart and completely supportive.

I was disappointed though, that there were no umbrellas in the drinks.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 10, 2017, 06:17:31 PM
Today Sue, my friend Cassandra, and I met up with list member Denise, who is in the Sunshine state visiting her parents. We got together at a Cheddar's next to the airport in Orlando.

Denise is pretty dang cool, and if you've seen pictures of her here, they don't do her justice at all. She had excellent advice for me regarding my name change paperwork, voice work, and a ton of other transitioney stuff.

We had a great lunch and lots of stories, laughs, common experiences, and lies to tell. After the waiter started giving us the stink eye for using his table too long, we headed down the street to what Cassie dubbed "DUI Friday's" for some liquid refreshment. Unfortunately, just as we sat down, Denise got the expected call to pick up her friend from the airport, and had to leave.

Sue snapped our picture as we were leaving Cheddar's. It was a cold, extremely clear and bright day here, and we were all blinded by the light (cut loose like a deuce) so I, at least, look terrible. But there were smiles all around.

What a neat thing to sit down and share some time face to face with another sister from Susan's. I hope to meet a lot more of you like that in the future.

Especially you, Laurie. You're now obligated to deliver Qty 1 Hug, Type Warm, Size Extra Large, FOB Steph & Sue's Casa.

Stephanie

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171211/5538ee40901062b8b61fd830d1cf2043.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 10, 2017, 06:29:11 PM
Me and my big mouth. Let see I think I promised Michelle a visit and now you. Oh heck, anyone I promised a visit raise their hand.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 10, 2017, 06:35:27 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 10, 2017, 08:20:24 AM
> despite him much preferring his Bud Light
>
> I was disappointed though, that there were no umbrellas in the drinks

Bud Light doesn't need an umbrella - it's already water.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 11, 2017, 12:58:56 AM
Quote from: Kendra on December 10, 2017, 06:35:27 PM
Bud Light doesn't need an umbrella - it's already water.

In a rollover accident yesterday, a tanker truck carrying 58,000 gallons of Bud Light spilled it's entire contents across six lanes of I-75. Happily, no beer was wasted.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 11, 2017, 01:45:48 PM
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/pu7iv2a7wdgdcvi/ME.jpg?raw=1)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 11, 2017, 01:50:27 PM
That looks almost official! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 11, 2017, 01:53:45 PM
Quote from: Megan. on December 11, 2017, 01:50:27 PM
That looks almost official! X

Only something official could induce this much ocular leakage. Waterproof eyeliner... not
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 11, 2017, 01:57:13 PM
AWESOME!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 11, 2017, 02:20:55 PM
Way to go Stephanie! I'd shout it out but I don't feel like getting stared at.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 11, 2017, 02:22:32 PM
Woo-hoo!  Congratulations, you are officially ... YOU!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 11, 2017, 03:31:26 PM
Woooooohoooooooo!!!
That is so exciting Steph. What a wonderful moment for you. That is awesome!!!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 11, 2017, 07:20:11 PM
You go girl! Doesn't it feel both so right and so fine?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 11, 2017, 09:58:03 PM
YES!!!  Officially.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 11, 2017, 10:24:38 PM
Awww geeeez you guyzzz. That's it, I give up on the makeup today. Every time someone gives me a cheer I end up looking like Rocky Raccoon again.

I wrote this on Facebook under the screen shot of my name change:

QuoteHello World. This is me. Thank you for welcoming me.

Yes, Tia Anne, I haven't felt this way before. It's just a lousy piece of paper, but it's made me understand viscerally that old whatsisname doesn't exist any longer. I guess I had gone from acting like Steve for so many years, to acting like Steph. And now suddenly I feel like it's not an act any more.

I had written a while ago about the first time I went dressed to my therapist. She had encouraged me to go to lunch after our appointment. I was sitting in my car trying to gather my courage, and I watched a young woman cross the road. Just striding along, swinging her arms, and living in the moment. Not a thought for who she was. Just being. I internalized that and emulated it to get through my first lunch out by myself.

And now I've discovered that the acting, the emulating, is gone. That piece of paper somehow released me from all that pretending.

Now I can just be.

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 11, 2017, 10:38:15 PM
Steph, you are giving me so much joy by sharing your happiness. Thank you for letting us be a part of your journey. It is such a privilege to see you go from one happy milestone to another.

Congratulations on becoming the real you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 11, 2017, 10:41:26 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 11, 2017, 10:38:15 PM
Steph, you are giving me so much joy by sharing your happiness. Thank you for letting us be a part of your journey. It is such a privilege to see you go from one happy milestone to another.

Congratulations on becoming the real you.

Jayne

Jayne, the only thing that's giving me more joy than the actual event, is all of you sharing it with me. Knowing that you all think I'm worthy of your love touches me more deeply than I know how to describe.

Thank you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 12, 2017, 03:48:28 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 11, 2017, 10:24:38 PM
It's just a lousy piece of paper, but it's made me understand viscerally that old whatsisname doesn't exist any longer. I guess I had gone from acting like Steve for so many years, to acting like Steph. And now suddenly I feel like it's not an act any more.

I had written a while ago about the first time I went dressed to my therapist. She had encouraged me to go to lunch after our appointment. I was sitting in my car trying to gather my courage, and I watched a young woman cross the road. Just striding along, swinging her arms, and living in the moment. Not a thought for who she was. Just being. I internalized that and emulated it to get through my first lunch out by myself.

And now I've discovered that the acting, the emulating, is gone. That piece of paper somehow released me from all that pretending.

Now I can just be.

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger

Steph, I think that getting to the point you are at is what it is all about......."the acting, the emulating is gone......released from all that pretending. Now I can just be". Such a fine place to be. I still get caught up in doubts from time to time or feel the sting of an occasional mis-gender, whatever, but that is a temporary situation corrected by a kind word or hug from a friend.....I just don't understand how this joyful side of life somehow eluded me for all those years! Sister, we have a lot of years to make up for, get on with living and laughing the way life was meant to be lived!

Your sister,
Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 12, 2017, 03:57:27 PM
Steph, you spoke of watching a young woman, "and I watched a young woman cross the road. Just striding along, swinging her arms, and living in the moment. Not a thought for who she was. Just being." The image that comes to mind is of Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" where she was walking across Rodeo Drive in those insanely high heeled boots and not a care in the world, just taking it all in. Now I will never be able to pull off those boots or short shorts but that totally being in the moment, so free and easy in life.......not a bad image to emulate!

As far as the image, I am way too old for it but I think that I can picture Kendra pulling it off pretty well!

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 12, 2017, 05:35:44 PM
Wow, three posts in a row, Steph is going to think that I am stealing her thread, no, not me!

Steph, I am in the midst of changing lots of different stuff now that my name is final, I expect that you are doing the same thing. I found a good resource for Colorado folks and it includes a pretty general and inclusive list of things that may need addressing. The site is Colorado Name Changes at namechangeproject.org and the list is on the page marked "Post-Name/Gender change steps". I hope that it helps.

If any others on this site have things to include in a "must change/may want to change" list, please forward them on.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 13, 2017, 11:07:54 PM
The Dangers of FaceApp

I mentioned over on Jayne's personal thread how I believe FaceApp triggered my transition. I didn't want to clog up her thread with my meanderings, but I have no compunctions about stuffing up my own. So...

While it certainly wasn't the only factor, I truly believe FaceApp was the straw that broke the camel's back. A lot of things were adding up to the perfect storm, but I was weathering it, though very unhappily. Then I read a tech review about this new app that used AI to retouch your photos, and it included female filters. The writer showed pictures of himself with the various filters, and I was blown away and had to try it. I downloaded it on January 28th.

The results from the first couple of pictures were a huge shock to my system. I literally got faint and had to sit down. I couldn't believe that with just a few very subtle changes I could look like that. I also didn't believe it could ever actually happen. The dissonance was too much for my poor brain, and I had a complete meltdown.

I alternately loved and hated that app for the next 3 1/2 months, and spent so much time with it while my wife was out that I wasn't getting much else done. The dysphoria was building and building, until on May 12 the dam broke, and I started this journey I'm on.

I went back and compared the pictures I've posted here to my huge collection of FaceApp pics from February - May, and I don't really see a lot of resemblance. Yet I spent today out and about, living full-time, eating lunch in a restaurant, shopping for cosmetics, and just being me, and apparently passing the whole time. I don't really get it, but I'll take it.

Just be aware that apps like that can be very powerful and dangerous to someone in a vulnerable mindset. If you're already at a tipping point, it can knock you completely over.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 13, 2017, 11:40:35 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on December 12, 2017, 03:48:28 PMI just don't understand how this joyful side of life somehow eluded me for all those years! Sister, we have a lot of years to make up for, get on with living and laughing the way life was meant to be lived!

Hi Ms. Blake. First of all, how do you prefer to be addressed? I've been calling you "Tia Anne," but I see Laurie using "Tia," and some other people are using "Hey You," and "Late for Dinner." Maybe I'll just call you Sister.

Anyway, thanks for your comment. I think of all the misery in the world. I was immersed in it, for so long, that I didn't know any other kind of life existed. And now... the joy and contentment I'm feeling has made me realize that a lot of the time the cage we live in is something we construct ourselves, and which we have the key to get out of, if we aren't afraid to turn it. Making up for those lost years, laughing, living, and loving, is exactly what I intend to do.

QuoteSteph, you spoke of watching a young woman, "and I watched a young woman cross the road. Just striding along, swinging her arms, and living in the moment. Not a thought for who she was. Just being." The image that comes to mind is of Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" where she was walking across Rodeo Drive in those insanely high heeled boots and not a care in the world, just taking it all in. Now I will never be able to pull off those boots or short shorts but that totally being in the moment, so free and easy in life.......not a bad image to emulate!

As far as the image, I am way too old for it but I think that I can picture Kendra pulling it off pretty well!

Yeah, those dang young pups have so much going for them. That's OK. This old dog still has some bite left...

QuoteWow, three posts in a row, Steph is going to think that I am stealing her thread, no, not me!

Sister, I decide who gets to talk in my house, and you've got carte blanche. Cut loose, I'm enjoying listening.

QuoteSteph, I am in the midst of changing lots of different stuff now that my name is final, I expect that you are doing the same thing. I found a good resource for Colorado folks and it includes a pretty general and inclusive list of things that may need addressing. The site is Colorado Name Changes at namechangeproject.org and the list is on the page marked "Post-Name/Gender change steps". I hope that it helps.

Very cool, thank you! Here's the direct link:

http://www.namechangeproject.org/post-namegender-changes-steps/ (http://www.namechangeproject.org/post-namegender-changes-steps/)

More on where I am on that checklist in my update post below.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 14, 2017, 02:44:31 PM
Hi Steph, as for names, I am fairly open.....anything from; friend, Tia, Tia Anne, Anne....there is just one old name that is off limits and I won't post that one here.

By the way, just got finished changing my name on one really fun card today. We drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park and updated my senior national parks pass, one of the best cards that I have in my wallet!

Take care girlfriend,
Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 12:02:14 AM
A few ups and downs since I last updated, but mostly ups - and busy busy busy! I was going to post everything from the last couple of days in one entry, but I know people tend to ignore stuff if it's too long, so I'll break it up into episodes. Here's episode 1:

After I got the final judgement on the name change on Monday, I started planning out my week.

Tuesday: Run over to the courthouse, get a bunch of certified copies of the Court Order, blast out to Orlando and pick up my "Appropriate Clinical Treatment" (ACT) letter from my doc, then move on to the Social Security office.

After giving a couple days for the data to percolate through the system, on Thursday: Visit the DMV, change the name and gender marker on my paperwork and get a new driver's license. Also update the titles and registrations on my vehicles. Maybe go next door to the tax collector's office and update our tax records.

Friday: Stay home and start cleaning the house for the potluck dinner I'm hosting on Monday.

That was looking far enough into the future for me, and looked like a viable plan.

No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.

On Monday night I emailed my contact at the doctor's office with an attached copy of the Court Order. We had already devised a plan where I would email it to her, and she would create the ACT letter and give it to the doc for her signature. It would be complete and waiting when I got there to pick it up.

Well... not. Sherrie would write up the letter, but the doc isn't in on Tuesdays. The best I could do was Wednesday. Harrumph. Well, I could still get over to the courthouse and get the certified records. So I got myself looking as good as I can, since I was going to have to deal with the three deputies at the security checkpoint in the courthouse and the workerbees in the records office, and skated over to the courthouse in the Mini. Took a deep breath and checked my look in the mirror, and headed into the courthouse. Gave the officers a smile and put my purse in the tray, and of course I set off the metal detector as I walked through and had to get wanded. The female deputy made me lift my pants legs. Checking for weapons strapped to my ankles, or just checking that I'd shaved my legs? In any case, I passed both tests, all was well, and as far as I could tell, they thought they were dealing with just another lady.

Off to the records office and the sweetest lady I've ever dealt with in government offices. I showed her the printed copy of the court order that I'd received in email, and it was so new that it wasn't in her system yet. She had to dig it out of a big bin of stuff she still had to enter. In any case, she treated me really nicely. Lots of "dears" and "sweeties", and even at one point when she had to enter something into her computer, she said, "This is going to take a minute. Just hang on, baby girl." I was already smiling, but that one made me blush, too. Now I know that she knew what it was about, because she'd had to call upstairs to get clearance to release certified copies of the "name change paperwork," and my old and new names are pretty prominent on the front page. Knowing that makes it even more satisfying that she treated me so well. It was pretty dang neat.

I floated back out with five certified copies, waved airily at the deputies, and wafted down the steps and out to the Mini. That took care of all the official stuff I could get done then. Next up: What to do with the rest of the day?

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 12:17:29 AM
In our last episode, I'd gone to the county courthouse and had a pretty cool experience getting the certified copies of my court order. Now I had a dilemma to solve.

Remember when I posted about my first time participating in the trivia team with Sue and her friends? (Here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2052349.html#msg2052349.) Well, Sue was working late and wouldn't be able to show up until it was almost over, so I had to decide whether I wanted to stay home out of fear, or own my new identity and go without her. I wasn't worried about the people I'd already met - they knew everything and I knew they were cool with it. What I didn't know is if anyone else I hadn't met would be there. But I said the heck with it, this is me. Time to quit hiding from the world. And off I went to The Villages, Florida, to be a trivial person.

I got there a half hour late, but there were still plenty of questions left to answer. S and B, who I'd already met, were there already, but so were C and J, who I'd never met before. On the other hand, they'd never met me, either, and S gave me a wink and introduced me as Steph, with no other explanation. Lots of smiles and welcomes all around, and we got down to concentrating on the trivia game. It didn't look good for a while, but B saved us with the final question. Do you know it?

What is the country of origin of Saint Nicholas?

A: Germany
B: England
C: Turkey
D: Greece

We were just barely leading everyone into this final question, and B was absolutely sure he knew the answer. You can bet as much or as few of your points as you want, and he was so sure that we bet the farm. And we won it all. Thank you B! The answer? Turkey. I would never had known...

Sue arrived just before the final question, and when it was over B left, and the rest of us had dinner together. We applied the $30 gift card we won to everyone's dinner and had more good conversation, after which C and J headed out. Discussing things with S afterwards, we came to the conclusion that I'd just had a total pass, and they knew nothing different. I'm not sure if they connected me and Sue, but it should have been obvious when she paid the bill for us both with no preplanning. In any case, it was a good night, and yet another boost to my confidence.

Next episode: Wednesday ups and downs.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 12:59:08 AM
Wednesday was the day I had to drive back to Orlando to pick up my ""Appropriate Clinical Treatment" (ACT) letter. By prearrangement, it would be waiting for me at 11am. Since my friend Cassie works close to the clinic, we arranged to lunch together after I accomplished my pickup, after which I would zip over to the social security office in Leesburg and change my name and gender marker. I got myself fixed up and jumped in the rollerskate for the 1:15 drive to Orlando.

Got there at 11am as arranged, and waited for the letter that should have been ready for me. And waited. And waited. Just before noon the lady who wrote up the letter for the doc's signature showed up in the office as she ran other errands. We said hi and she took care of some business with the receptionist, then headed for the door. I'd had enough waiting, so I stopped her and asked, "Do we have a problem?" No, she'd left the letter on the doctor's desk yesterday, and it was just waiting for the doc's signature. "Right, it was going to be ready for me to pick up today at 11. So do we have a problem?" And she disappeared into the back room headed toward the doctor's office. Less than five minutes later she came out with the letter. Good grief. Squeaky wheel, I guess.

I don't think this doc "gets it." She's new to the clinic (the third endo they've had since I started HRT less than 6 months ago), and everyone I've talked to is amazed that she insisted on seeing the court order before she would sign the gender change letter. You'd think that someone working at a clinic that specializes in LGBT issues would understand what we're going through and be more accommodating. Or maybe the clinic itself doesn't get it. At the last lab followup they didn't even have the lab results in the clinic records yet, even though I'd had them taken two weeks before. I actually had to show the doc the results in my phone, and she asked me to email them to the clinic assistant so she could put them in my records. Sheesh. I love my therapist, and my laser/electrocutioner lady is a real sweetheart, but my primary care doc had asked if I wanted him to take over my HRT treatment at our last appointment, and now I'm seriously considering that.

Anyway, I paid the $25 for the letter, and hit the door. Shared the elevator with a gentleman on the way down from the fourth floor, and he insisted I exit first. What a nice man. (Sqeeeeeeee!!!)

Off to pick up Cassie from work and on to a Thai restaurant for a great lunch, with great treatment by the staff.

Next up: Social Insecurity

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 01:09:51 AM
After finally getting the "gender change" letter from the doc, and having a great lunch with friend Cassie, it was time to drive to the social security office an hour and ten minutes away in Leesburg. My nerves kept building all the way there, and when I found the building I drove on by and went to a McDonalds down the street to use the bathroom and get myself fixed up for the big moment. Drove back to the building and...

Sure aren't many cars in the parking lot.

An empty wind was whistling.

A tumbleweed rolled by.

Crickets.

Sure is quiet...

Yeah. Too quiet.

The sign on the door said, Hey, it's Wednesday. We close at noon on Wednesdays. Sorry sucker. Or something like that.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

So I drowned my sorrows by going to Wally World and buying myself some more cosmetics. Then drove sadly home.

Next episode: Bouncing Back
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 15, 2017, 01:11:12 AM
This is like a soap opera...

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Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 15, 2017, 01:11:45 AM
... That I'm binge watching...

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Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 01:13:50 AM
Quote from: Megan. on December 15, 2017, 01:11:12 AM
This is like a soap opera...

Stay tuned. The writer is still awake and typing...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 02:10:03 AM
On to Thursday. I decided that instead of driving the hour back to Leesburg to that social security office, I'd go to one closer in Dade City. It was a little worrisome, considering that while Leesburg is a long way from being cosmopolitan, it's a lot more metro than podunk little Dade City. But I needed to go to Lakeland to fix a problem on the plane that I'd built, and Dade City was about a third of the way there in the correct direction. So once again I got myself fixed up and built up my nerves, and skittered to the office in the go-cart.

As you walk in there's a big sign: No electronics of any kind, turn them off. Leave them in the car. Huh? Which is it? Well, being a law-abiding person, I went back out to the car and stashed my phone and watch in the glove box. Went back in and got my ticket, number A69. Currently serving A54. Not too bad.

I had hoped to get caught up here while I waited, but with no phone, all I could do was stare at the stupid idiot box on the wall - while everyone else in the room played on their phones. Eye roll. At least I wasn't getting any second glances. A lady even smiled and asked whether the seat next to me was taken, and sat there with no weirdness.

About an hour later, "A69, window 4."

"Yes ma'am, how can I help you today?" <frisson>
Big smile: "Name and gender change. Here are all the forms."
"Yes, that's all we need. I'm going to send you down to window 2, though, since he has more experience with this."
Off to window 2, and a nice 20-something young man who could be a basketball player. He ran through all the paperwork with no drama, then asked to see my drivers license, which was... whoops, in the pocket on the back of my phone, out in the car. Be right back...
Finished filling out the forms, double checked with me that everything was accurate, printed out the receipt, gave me back all my paperwork, and said we were all set. As I got up to go:

"Congratulations, Stephanie. Enjoy your new life."

I thought my face was going to split. I couldn't stop grinning like a fool. Did a happy dance in front of my car. And had what Cassie calls a "Lady Minute" in the car.

This is all really really happening. Oop. Getting all verklempt again...

Epilog: I drove down to where the plane I'd built is being kept. The owner and his wife are incredibly supportive of my transition, and she made me lunch while we talked about how things were going for me. Afterwards she gave me some makeup tips and even gave me some lip gloss. I changed into my new women's working clothes, went to the hangar, and found and fixed the problem with the plane. I consider that my first technical victory as my new self, and I looked fabulous doing it, despite dripping fuel down my arm.

And one final thing: Eight minutes from home I got a text from Sue. One of the snowbirds who hang out and help me in the shop during the winter was waiting at home to take us out to dinner for a favor I'd done for him. I asked Sue if he realized who he was going to take to dinner, and she said Oh yeah. Okey dokey...

I'd already told him earlier what I was doing, and he was fine with it. He's always in good humor and took it all in stride. We joke around a lot, so I didn't hesitate to correct him any time he deadnamed or misgendered me, and he never took offense and kept trying to get better. At the restaurant the waitress was awesome, joking with us ladies and that guy on the other side of the booth. I even joked with the manager that I was upset because my pina colada didn't have an umbrella in it. She knows my previous persona, since as president of our flying club I've been arranging to use their meeting room for years. I don't know if she recognized me or not. She didn't show any surprise, so I'm guessing that she didn't know who she was talking with. Anyway, by the end of dinner my friend was starting to get it, though I'm sure it'll take more gentle persuasion before he doesn't forget.

In any case, I'd rate this as an immensely successful day...

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger - Now known to the federal government as same. It's now a federal offense to misgender me...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 15, 2017, 02:42:01 AM
Like all good TV shows, drama,  intrigue and a happy ending.

Congrats. X

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Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on December 15, 2017, 02:51:36 AM
There is something about receiving that validation of your new name...like making everything suddenly real. I waited until I had a full set of ID before I went fulltime and once I had it all together it was such an affirming moment. Glad it went so well for you  :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 15, 2017, 06:32:56 AM
This is a really awesome soap opera. I'm hooked. Can't wait for the next exciting episode......

Steph, I love reading your story. It's amazing!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 15, 2017, 06:41:39 AM
It's like Dynasty and Dallas rolled together, but with even more Steph glamour!

And,  no Steph,  this isn't all a dream. X

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Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 15, 2017, 07:26:20 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 02:10:03 AMI looked fabulous doing it, despite dripping fuel down my arm.
That's my girl!!   :D

I'm glad it's going so well for you!  Just keep on owning it, and you'll be fine.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 07:38:47 AM
Quote from: Megan. on December 15, 2017, 06:41:39 AM
It's like Dynasty and Dallas rolled together, but with even more Steph glamour!

And,  no Steph,  this isn't all a dream. X

Not sure what that means. The most I know about those shows is Larry Hagman was on them, but without Jeannie. And Morgan Fairchild was on them, and according to pathological liar Tommy Flanagan (as played by Jon Lovitz), she was married to him, and he even slept with her.

Yeah, that's the ticket.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 08:04:04 AM
Quote from: ElizabethK on December 15, 2017, 02:51:36 AM
There is something about receiving that validation of your new name...like making everything suddenly real. I waited until I had a full set of ID before I went fulltime and once I had it all together it was such an affirming moment. Glad it went so well for you  :D

Thanks, Liz! Monday is my big day at the DMV for my driver's license with a new picture and gender marker. Like Kendra, I think that will be the biggest milestone to date. I hope the picture turns out well. If I have time today, I plan to contact some credit card companies.

With those two things out of the way, there will be very little cause left for social dysphoria.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 08:24:46 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on December 14, 2017, 02:44:31 PM
Hi Steph, as for names, I am fairly open.....anything from; friend, Tia, Tia Anne, Anne....there is just one old name that is off limits and I won't post that one here.

Even if I knew it, there's no way I'd use it. That would be a stranger. You are my friend Tia Anne Blake. That's it.

QuoteBy the way, just got finished changing my name on one really fun card today. We drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park and updated my senior national parks pass, one of the best cards that I have in my wallet!

I wish I had more National Parks here. The Everglades are interesting, but awfully hot, steamy, snakey, and aligatorey. I love mountains and rocky shorelines. Some day when we retire and take road trips I want to come see you in Colorado and Kathy in Nova Scotia (in the summer).

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 15, 2017, 08:42:30 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 08:24:46 AM
Some day when we retire and take road trips I want to come see you in Colorado and Kathy in Nova Scotia (in the summer).
What about Jayne down under? Oh! Never mind, you were talking about road trips. The road to get here is covered by a considerable amount of water.[emoji16]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 10:23:52 AM
         Welcome to the Stephanie Comedy Hour
   
Featuring Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger and her faithful sidekick Sue.
                            ( Never a dull moment )

It's fun to (read) about your misadventures Stephanie. What's this about (plane) problems?? And you want to get me in that (thing) know it was put together by a Charlie Chaplin wannabe? I'm (beginning) to reconsider that invitation(....)

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 15, 2017, 10:47:41 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 08:24:46 AM
Kathy in Nova Scotia (in the summer).
Squeee!  Happy dance!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 01:24:21 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 15, 2017, 08:42:30 AM
What about Jayne down under? Oh! Never mind, you were talking about road trips. The road to get here is covered by a considerable amount of water.[emoji16]

No problem. I'll just wait for low tide. Or maybe I'll fly there. I'll have to calculate the size of the ferry tank needed to go that far.

Steph (glub glub)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 01:30:18 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 10:23:52 AM
         Welcome to the Stephanie Comedy Hour
   
Featuring Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger and her faithful sidekick Sue.
                            ( Never a dull moment )

It's fun to (read) about your misadventures Stephanie. What's this about (plane) problems?? And you want to get me in that (thing) know it was put together by a Charlie Chaplin wannabe? I'm (beginning) to reconsider that invitation(....)

Thank ya. Thank ya verra much. I'll be here all week. Don't forget ta tip your servers.

The plane problem? Easily {diagnosed} and fixed if you [know] what to look for. It's why I get the <big> bucks (ha!).

Stephie Staplin
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 01:34:26 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 15, 2017, 10:47:41 AM
Squeee!  Happy dance!

Uhmmmm, not this summer, sorry to say. Given a lot of luck, I very much hope to be recovering from GCS sometime this summer. That's my dream anyway.

But yesh, I do muchly want to visit some day.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on December 15, 2017, 04:41:53 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 08:04:04 AM
Thanks, Liz! Monday is my big day at the DMV for my driver's license with a new picture and gender marker. Like Kendra, I think that will be the biggest milestone to date. I hope the picture turns out well. If I have time today, I plan to contact some credit card companies.

With those two things out of the way, there will be very little cause left for social dysphoria.

Steph

You know that no matter how hard you try and how long you prepare yourself, you are always destined to look like a startled chicken in your drivers licence photo...its almost mandatory  ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 04:50:16 PM
Quote from: ElizabethK on December 15, 2017, 04:41:53 PM
You know that no matter how hard you try and how long you prepare yourself, you are always destined to look like a startled chicken in your drivers licence photo...its almost mandatory  ;D

Whoever makes the cameras for them is just pure evil. But I'll be happy if it doesn't look like Old Whatshisface who's on my current license. Some day that will probably be my "before" picture.

What does a startled chicken look like, anyway? [emoji215]

Hey, if people like my writing, do you think I could win the Pullet Surprise?

Don't cluck your tongue at me!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 15, 2017, 04:57:58 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 04:50:16 PM
Hey, if people like my writing, do you think I could win the Pullet Surprise?
Oh, gro-o-o-o-o-oan!!!  That's so bad, it's good!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 15, 2017, 05:02:34 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 04:50:16 PM
Hey, if people like my writing, do you think I could win the Pullet Surprise?
You need to stop using all this fowl language. I had to google Pullet. I am but a simple chick and don't understand big words.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 05:03:08 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 15, 2017, 04:57:58 PM
Oh, gro-o-o-o-o-oan!!!  That's so bad, it's good!

It's hard to write about poultry. It's tough to scratch out a living because they pay chicken feed.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 05:08:11 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

It heard some guys were going to lay a sidewalk, and it wanted to see how it was done.

When it was crossing the road, it was poultry in motion.

I tell ya, I got a million of 'em!

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 15, 2017, 05:10:32 PM
[emoji849] "eyes rolling"
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 15, 2017, 06:33:22 PM
Steph I see you're wingin it again.  I'm about to call f0wles on all the bird talk.  Oh wait that's my last name. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 06:47:09 PM
Quote from: Kendra on December 15, 2017, 06:33:22 PM
Steph I see you're wingin it again.  I'm about to call f0wles on all the bird talk.  Oh wait that's my last name.

It's about dang time you joined in! I was beginning to think you were chicken.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 15, 2017, 06:59:33 PM
Pretty fly of you to say that as I try to pen a cagey answer.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 07:10:39 PM
Quote from: Kendra on December 15, 2017, 06:59:33 PM
Pretty fly of you to say that as I try to pen a cagey answer.
Sorry to keep you cooped up.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 15, 2017, 07:16:32 PM
I drive a Fiat.  Aren't you the chick with a Cooper? 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 07:28:38 PM
Quote from: Kendra on December 15, 2017, 07:16:32 PM
I drive a Fiat.  Aren't you the chick with a Cooper?

OMG, you're right! And it's a Coupe, too! I may squawk occasionally, but it's nothing to crow about.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 16, 2017, 02:24:44 AM
A little more relaxed day today, but a few cool things still happened.

The trip I made yesterday to work on the plane was to fix a potentially dangerous fuel leak, so the owner could fly it safely up here for some other minor maintenance he wanted me to do on it. He brought it in and I worked through the squawk list (yes, that's really what it's called, you bird brains), and wrapped up right around lunch time. The owner has made it a tradition to always take me to lunch when I work on his plane. Today, though, would be the first time that I would be going as my new self. When we decided we were ready for lunch, he told me he would handle installing the engine cowls so I could go in and make myself ready for lunch. In essence, he told me it was OK to go get prettied up to go out. Wow, cool! I got out of my work clothes, fixed my makeup and hair, and off we went - back to the same place our group had ended up at after my court appointment. I was welcomed back by a few of the staff who remembered our celebration, and our waiter Jason gave me a big hug. But the really cool thing? My neighbor and a bunch of his visiting family were sitting two tables away. I saw my neighbor look up and around the restaurant, and he looked directly at me - and went right on by, not recognizing me. Apparently he just saw a woman he didn't know sitting there, and kept looking around. My friend and I both watched him do this, and we just grinned at each other. I count that as a total pass.

Later as my friend got ready to fly home, I asked him to thank his wife for the nice time she showed me yesterday. And he told me that she really enjoyed it, too, because she doesn't have many lady friends around her neighborhood that she can talk with any more. Wait... what!? I apparently qualify as a woman friend that she can confide in and share with. I can't describe how cool that feels! Just thinking about that makes me all shivery.

One final thing before I shut down for the night. Sue and I sat down to finalize our health care paperwork for 2018. As part of that I went back through the profile and updated my name and gender information. And occasionally as we worked through all the forms, that name would pop up front and center on my screen. Every time it did I got a little buzz of surprise and pleasure. I'm still not used to seeing it so blatantly and openly.

But I like it. A lot.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 17, 2017, 12:00:24 AM
Short entry today. I get cleaned up, did my makeup and hair, and got dressed up in a beautiful flowered maxi dress with short cap sleeves and a black infinity scarf worn over my shoulders shawl-style. As I checked my look for the last time before I left, I was completely blown away at the woman I saw in the mirror. We gave each other a big grin. I felt incredibly feminine - incredibly right.

I hopped in the roller skate to drive the 1:20 to the T-network Christmas party in St. Pete. I missed the last meeting, so it's been two months since they've seen me, and even then I had been dressed in my Captain Sillyburger Halloween costume. I've also had my hair colored and styled, and learned a little about makeup.

Apparently I've really changed. The president of the organization saw me come in, and walked over to introduce herself to the new person. It wasn't until someone else told her who I was that she realized she already knew me. That happened with a few other people, and those who did recognize me had profuse compliments. And for some reason, people tended to gravitate to me all evening, whereas they used to ignore me. I think I must have been radiating happiness and contentment, and seemed approachable.

Back home again, I sat down on the couch next to Sue. All I could think of to say was, "I'm happy." She was glad. Then I told her, "I didn't know it was possible to feel this way." And I had to go get some tissues for all the happy tears.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Stephanie

PS: Sorry Kathy, no pics. But it did happen! I plan to wear the same outfit to a different party next Wednesday, and will get some pictures then...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on December 17, 2017, 06:09:18 AM
<le sigh>, and I remember when you were worried about passing, so recently :-).

I sometimes have to stay away from your thread lest the fab outfits and talk of being taken for femme makes me shift over from a little envy to actual jealousy ;-).

Hugs to you Stephanie, I'm super glad you're having do much fun!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 17, 2017, 06:35:44 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 17, 2017, 12:00:24 AM
PS: Sorry Kathy, no pics. But it did happen! I plan to wear the same outfit to a different party next Wednesday, and will get some pictures then...
No worries.  I am content to admire your smiling face in your avatar and read your rhapsody of happiness.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 17, 2017, 07:06:53 AM
Quote from: SadieBlake on December 17, 2017, 06:09:18 AM
<le sigh>, and I remember when you were worried about passing, so recently :-).

Oh, believe me, the worry is still a constant, uh, worry. I've been full-time for a while now, but even just walking my dog around the safe space that is my neighborhood still feels like a scary adventure. I haven't yet been able to just blast out there into the world full of strangers with full confidence. I go anyway, but when I get home always have the feeling of, "Whew! Got away with it one more time!"

QuoteI sometimes have to stay away from your thread lest the fab outfits and talk of being taken for femme makes me shift over from a little envy to actual jealousy ;-).

I... what? You know how wordy I am. And I just don't know what to say. You, envious of me? No...

My brain is churning.

QuoteHugs to you Stephanie, I'm super glad you're having do much fun!

It's going to take a while to process your message. So I'll just say thank you!.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 17, 2017, 07:09:54 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 17, 2017, 06:35:44 AM
No worries.  I am content to admire your smiling face in your avatar and read your rhapsody of happiness.

So if I try a different hair removal method, would I wax rhapsodic?

Too nerdy? Yeah...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 17, 2017, 12:19:51 PM
A bit of frustration this morning with credit card companies. With the helpful advice of you all, I thought I was armed to make changing the name on the cards an easy thing.

Not.

I'm guessing that everyone is running so scared of fraud nowadays that the requirements to just change a name on a card are boosted to a ridiculous level (IMHO).

First up: Discover. I was ready to call, then saw I had a Chat option. I always prefer that if possible because I have a written record. "Betty" insisted that I go to their website, fill out a form, and upload copies of the court order,
and either the new driver's license or SSC. Since I don't have the latter two in my greasy paws yet, that's not an option. Well, how about setting up another authorized user with their own card? Nope, can't have two users with the same SS number. I tried to force the issue by laying it all out - I'm transgender and have been refraining from using their card to avoid awkwardness. Congratulations, but sorry. I finally got Betty to agree to issue another card with just the first and middle initials as a temporary measure. Good thing I kept them the same.

On to Bank of America Visa. No chat available, so I called. The automated system took my information, and Walter answered, "How can I help you, Mister Bensinger?" Name change. Great, what is it changing to? Stephanie R. Congratulations! Now we need to send you a form via snailmail, you need to fill it out, and send it back with a copy of (only) the court order. How about just adding a second user with a different name? Sorry. How about just initials? Nope. The best he would do is expedite the handling and send the forms via UPS overnight.

So now I wait...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 17, 2017, 12:27:03 PM
Do not forget the three credit companies if you want to retain your credit rating. Having no established credit rating is a problem I have read about several times here.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 17, 2017, 12:27:18 PM
You gotta love the "system"!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 17, 2017, 02:46:04 PM
Has anyone updated their changes with the three credit rating companies? Was it successful and how did you do it?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 17, 2017, 02:53:46 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake
link=topic=228563.msg2062471#msg2062471 date=1513543564

Has anyone updated their changes with the three credit rating companies? Was it successful and how did you do it?
I wrote a letter to Equifax, Experian, TransUnion with my previous and new name and gender marker, enclosed a photocopy of court order and driver license.  I just sent it in so I don't know if I was successful, but perhaps the next massive data leak will be more accurate.  :P

Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 17, 2017, 07:09:54 AM
So if I try a different hair removal method, would I wax rhapsodic?
I won't shadow that hair razing statement with a plucky answer.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 18, 2017, 12:03:25 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on December 17, 2017, 02:46:04 PM
Has anyone updated their changes with the three credit rating companies? Was it successful and how did you do it?

Hi Tia,

This post may be of interest to you. It is a letter Sydney used for the credit companies.

Re: LEGAL NAME AND SEX CHANGE QUESTION  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,223255.msg1976956.html#msg1976956)

I hope it helps.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on December 18, 2017, 03:26:57 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 17, 2017, 07:06:53 AM
Oh, believe me, the worry is still a constant, uh, worry. I've been full-time for a while now, but even just walking my dog around the safe space that is my neighborhood still feels like a scary adventure. I haven't yet been able to just blast out there into the world full of strangers with full confidence. I go anyway, but when I get home always have the feeling of, "Whew! Got away with it one more time!"

I... what? You know how wordy I am. And I just don't know what to say. You, envious of me? No...

My brain is churning.

It's going to take a while to process your message. So I'll just say thank you!.

Stephanie

Chalk it up to Sadie having a hard week. Those still happen and I'm happier inside. Hell, I'm surviving as an artist and if things are tight, well that's what you get in the art market when people are justifiably nervous about the orange menace.

When a now very late payment finally hits my snail mail, I'll be able to afford my next small experiment, seeing if minoxidil can reverse some of the mpb that has been part of my life since I was mid twenties.

Hugs again and best wishes always :-)

S
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 08:24:16 AM
Quote from: SadieBlake on December 18, 2017, 03:26:57 AMWhen a now very late payment finally hits my snail mail, I'll be able to afford my next small experiment, seeing if minoxidil can reverse some of the mpb that has been part of my life since I was mid twenties.

Hugs again and best wishes always :-)

Thanks, Sadie, and back atcha.

Your post does bring up a question. Is topical minoxidil even necessary after starting finasteride? Seem that they both take care of DHT, so maybe it's redundant(?)

Maybe I should post his question in a hair loss thread, but possibly you know the answer.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 08:28:45 AM
Tia, Kendra, Moni, and anyone else who's watching, who is either scheduled for or has undergone GCS:

I have locked down my health insurance for next year, and chose a policy with an eye toward the best coverage for surgery. Now I'm lost. Do any of you have a timeline or checklist I can use to guide me through all of this? I have no idea what to do next, so any help would be muchly appreciated!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 19, 2017, 08:34:08 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 08:24:16 AM
Thanks, Sadie, and back atcha.

Your post does bring up a question. Is topical minoxidil even necessary after starting finasteride? Seem that they both take care of DHT, so maybe it's redundant(?)

Maybe I should post his question in a hair loss thread, but possibly you know the answer.

Steph
My understanding is that Minoxidil does not block DHT, rather it improves blood flow to the folicles, helping to deliver nutrients and (possibly) 'wash away' accumulated DHT. It's therefore complimentary to Finasteride.

For this reason,  I still use both Min and Fin,  alongside my E and GnRH blocker.

As always, consult your doctor!

X.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 08:40:58 AM
Quote from: Megan. on December 19, 2017, 08:34:08 AM
My understanding is that Minoxidil does not block DHT, rather it improves blood flow to the folicles, helping to deliver nutrients and (possibly) 'wash away' accumulated DHT. It's therefore complimentary to Finasteride.

For this reason,  I still use both Min and Fin,  alongside my E and GnRH blocker.

As always, consult your doctor!

Ah, thanks Megan. I didn't realize they worked in different ways. I'll stick with the Min, then, since it does seem to have made a huge difference on my crown.

BTW, I've found that the foam isn't nearly as greasy as the liquid. Not only did I hate using the liquid in the morning because of the greaser look, but if I tried to use the full-dropper dose it would just run off my head. It was way too much. Now I use the foam in the morning and half a dropper of liquid at night.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 19, 2017, 08:44:03 AM
I'm no expert, but this was always my understanding...

I've only ever used the foam. X



Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 08:47:01 AM
Quote from: Megan. on December 19, 2017, 08:44:03 AM
I'm no expert, but this was always my understanding...

I've only ever used the foam.

Once the liquid is used up, I'll go strictly to the foam!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 09:07:13 AM
I almost posted this on Faith's thread, but decided against it. It's a little triggering. But since I typed it up, I'll post it here.

Regarding loneliness: Last August, before I was out to anyone but my wife and therapist, I was at the huge Oshkosh EAA Airventure aviation love-fest. And I was devastatingly alone in the middle of a crowd of literally tens of thousands of people shoulder to shoulder. All the women were dressed coolly in colorful clothes, and I was almost paralyzed with dysphoria. Nobody commented about that "guy" crying. Maybe they couldn't see it behind the sunglasses.

A few days later I came out to the first "outsider," my friend who was also attending the show, and the ride has been almost universally positive since then. Now, even when at home by myself, I never feel alone.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 19, 2017, 09:35:25 AM
I remember similar moments, being surrounded by many while feeling utterly alone and separate.

Feeling 'part of the world' is perhaps one of the less mentioned but most positive benefits that HRT and/or transition can bring.

I'm glad that despite the odd bump, this has been a road forward for you. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Devlyn on December 19, 2017, 10:46:25 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 08:28:45 AM
Tia, Kendra, Moni, and anyone else who's watching, who is either scheduled for or has undergone GCS:

I have locked down my health insurance for next year, and chose a policy with an eye toward the best coverage for surgery. Now I'm lost. Do any of you have a timeline or checklist I can use to guide me through all of this? I have no idea what to do next, so any help would be muchly appreciated!

Stephanie

Schedule a consult with the surgeon and get your required letters to his office. You'll need a pre surgical physical, too.

Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 11:07:34 AM
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 19, 2017, 10:46:25 AM
Schedule a consult with the surgeon and get your required letters to his office. You'll need a pre surgical physical, too.

Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks, Devlyn. When would I include my insurance company as part of the decision? Do I contact them first to find out who is in-network (if such a thing exists) before I call the surgeon. There doesn't seem to be a point to traveling to and paying for a consultation if my insurance won't cover them.

After thinking a bit, here's a very tentative list that seems like the right order:


I also get the impression that insurance companies don't have "in-network" surgeons for this, and that I may have to pay cash up front and be compensated later. That's sorta doable, but it would be better to have the insurance pay the doc directly. How does that work?

I plan to get started on this project on the first of the year, with the goal of being done in 2018. I know that's not possible with the big names, but I see there are plenty of lesser-known surgeons with good reputations. I just wish there was a recommended one in Florida so I could recover at home...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 19, 2017, 11:13:34 AM
Steph, anytime you want to post something in my thread, do it. Sure it may trigger, it may help, it may do both. Please don't 'not post' by playing it safe, that's not who I am.

I'll thank you here for your reply there, logic & reason doesn't seem to have much effect on how I feel.

So, for an up note, I gold tipped my fingers Friday night. I like the gold. Not as reflective (HAH) in a picture. I decided last night to try to be more Christmasie .. Christmassy .. festive. Not perfect, looks good from a distance though.

(https://i.imgur.com/ukJ150B.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Devlyn on December 19, 2017, 11:20:58 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 11:07:34 AM
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 19, 2017, 10:46:25 AM
Schedule a consult with the surgeon and get your required letters to his office. You'll need a pre surgical physical, too.

Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks, Devlyn. When would I include my insurance company as part of the decision? Do I contact them first to find out who is in-network (if such a thing exists) before I call the surgeon. There doesn't seem to be a point to traveling to and paying for a consultation if my insurance won't cover them.

After thinking a bit, here's a very tentative list that seems like the right order:


  • Contact Insurance Company for list of approved surgeons
  • Pick favorites from list based on preferred technique, reputation, schedule backlog, etc.
  • Schedule consultation
  • Hair removal (if required)
  • Set date
  • Submit details to insurance so they can prepare their buckets of money
  • Set up travel and accommodations
  • Buy all the stuff needed for aftercare
  • Surgery

I also get the impression that insurance companies don't have "in-network" surgeons for this, and that I may have to pay cash up front and be compensated later. That's sorta doable, but it would be better to have the insurance pay the doc directly. How does that work?

I plan to get started on this project on the first of the year, with the goal of being done in 2018. I know that's not possible with the big names, but I see there are plenty of lesser-known surgeons with good reputations. I just wish there was a recommended one in Florida so I could recover at home...

Steph

My PCP recommended and referred me to the local GRS surgeon. The insurance approval (BCBS) came without me lifting a finger.

Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 11:26:40 AM
Quote from: Faith on December 19, 2017, 11:13:34 AM
Steph, anytime you want to post something in my thread, do it. Sure it may trigger, it may help, it may do both. Please don't 'not post' by playing it safe, that's not who I am.

You got it, ma'am. Your wish is my command. Sometimes I'm too cautious about that stuff.

QuoteI'll thank you here for your reply there, logic & reason doesn't seem to have much effect on how I feel.

Yup. Kinda of my point re intellect vs. emotion. I get it. I got it. I had it!

QuoteSo, for an up note, I gold tipped my fingers Friday night. I like the gold. Not as reflective (HAH) in a picture. I decided last night to try to be more Christmasie .. Christmassy .. festive. Not perfect, looks good from a distance though.

Wow, very artisanny, artisanie, artsy-fartsy.  ;D

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 19, 2017, 12:25:39 PM
Hi Steph,

You have a pretty good list of stuff surrounding surgery. Identifying the longer lead times and their prerequisites would be in order.

The longest lead time item is the waiting list of most 0f the top surgeons, some suggest a two to three year wait. For my doctor I needed at least one of my therapist referral letters prior to being able to get on her waiting list. The second letter was needed a few months prior to surgery.

Scheduling a consultation surprised me. The three surgeons on my short list; Dr. Mc Ginn, Dr. Bowers and Dr. Meltzer all had several month's wait just for consultation and I would not be able to get on the surgery list until after the consult. That made surgery further out than infinity...got lucky and got an early consult from Dr. Meltzer, that and the availability of a shorter wait time for Dr. Ley was the deciding factor in making my choice. I was comfortable with all three doctors on my short list so the choice was not difficult for me.

Hair removal is something that you will want to look into. For some it was a non issue and others have horror stories. My electrocutioner suggested that four or five rounds of total clearing over a six month period would be sufficient but that wouldn't have been enough. It looks like, for me, it may required  twice that to be certain. Luckily just having a partial or no depth procedure, the remaining hair can be removed post op.

Once you have the surgery date set, both referral letters and whatever hair removal treatments done you may focus on the flexibility of your schedule. I called and checked with the surgeon's office and found that I could get in a couple of months early. It took some jumping through hoops on my part but I loved getting in early. If I hadn't done that I would still be in fairly significant recovery right now.

I thought that the one year RLE rule from WPATH would be a limiter but the surgeon's office treated it as more of a guideline. As long as my therapists felt me ready, there were no problems with the surgeons with me being a month short of the full year. Each office will probably differ.

The travel and the getting the needed stuff were good distractors from my impatience during the long wait. My surgery was in Scottsdale and we waited to pick up most of the required stuff there rather than carting it from home.

I chose to spend a few months prior to surgery working on fitness, primarily focused on endurance and core strength to aid in recovery. Recovery still took forever but I think that the added time with conditioning has helped out.

My surgery was self funded as Medicare does not cover this procedure so I have no suggestions about insurance.

One thing not on your list was recovery time. I had always felt rather immortal and invincible so was not concerned about a significant amount of recovery time. Sure, I read the stories of the others that had struggled through but knowing my typical strengths and endurance was not concerned. Needless to say, I got my ass kicked by trying to push it too hard. I recommend allowing yourself far more time than you expect for healing. You may not need it but in that case you just have some more time on your hands to enjoy life.

Good luck girl, I just know that you are going to nail this one. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Love,
Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Devlyn on December 19, 2017, 12:33:18 PM
Yeah, I forgot the RLE guidelines. I had surgery seven months after going on HRT,  my surgeon, therapists, and PCP all agreed I was ready. The one year is not set in stone.

Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 01:09:06 PM
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 19, 2017, 12:33:18 PM
Yeah, I forgot the RLE guidelines. I had surgery seven months after going on HRT,  my surgeon, therapists, and PCP all agreed I was ready. The one year is not set in stone.

Hugs, Devlyn

Apparently my therapist is so convinced I'm ready that she's willing to set the RLE start date to the day of my first appointment with her back in May. I'm certainly convinced!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on December 19, 2017, 01:55:28 PM
Steph, I don't know anything about finasteride however I'm now at 2 years with effectively 0 T, dht and my baldness lines have only receded by the barest of margins. Essentially my understanding of HRT in MTF people is that beard growth, body hair and baldness are only slightly changed.

My hope for minoxidil would be that absent new T perhaps it doesn't need to be applied forever the way it does with people who still have T but I'm sure this has been tried and I'd have heard if it were workable. Still, I plan to try.

P.s. I have a surgery checklist somewhere, I'll try to dig it up.

Also plan on hair removal. I don't trust the surgeon scraping follicles have heard of failures if this method. I'd think start a bare minimum of 6 months before your surgical date.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 04:07:46 PM
HAPPY HAPPY

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171219/2fc7925c94ed2858ece074be1f1b889e.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 19, 2017, 04:22:34 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 04:07:46 PM
HAPPY HAPPY

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171219/2fc7925c94ed2858ece074be1f1b889e.jpg)
Yays! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 19, 2017, 04:33:43 PM
Fake ID!  :police:  That can't be a real driver's license photo because the photo looks too beautiful!

Seriously, congratulations, Steph! 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 19, 2017, 04:47:19 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 19, 2017, 04:33:43 PM
Fake ID!  :police:  That can't be a real driver's license photo because the photo looks too beautiful!

Seriously, congratulations, Steph!
What she said ^^^^^^^^^^^

Nobody looks good on their driver's licence. This must have been photoshopped.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 19, 2017, 05:04:42 PM
Wow - YESSSS!!!  You're there!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Denise on December 19, 2017, 05:07:03 PM
OMG a great photo on a driver's license. 

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 19, 2017, 05:15:01 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 09:07:13 AM
Regarding loneliness: Last August, before I was out to anyone but my wife and therapist, I was at the huge Oshkosh EAA Airventure aviation love-fest. And I was devastatingly alone in the middle of a crowd of literally tens of thousands of people shoulder to shoulder. All the women were dressed coolly in colorful clothes, and I was almost paralyzed with dysphoria. Nobody commented about that "guy" crying. Maybe they couldn't see it behind the sunglasses.
What you described is an all too familiar feeling. Feeling alone while surrounded by people, whether those people are friends, family or strangers is something I can relate to very well. Thankfully, since starting my transition journey, the loneliness is slowly releasing its grip on me. Even more proof that I am on the right path.

Thanks for posting that Steph. I often struggle to put my feelings into words. By describing your own experience, you have also provided me with the words to describe mine. And to be clear, I will repeat what Faith said. Don't ever feel the need to censor yourself when posting on my thread either. That applies for everyone.

I am so happy that your transition is going so well. I know I have said that you many times. It is such a joy to see such happiness in you now knowing what dysphoria can do to a person. It gives me hope that I too can experience this kind of happiness, which it seems that I can, with each new step I take.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 19, 2017, 06:09:07 PM
Well done girl, didn't anyone tell you that you are supposed to really struggle through all of this transition stuff? That license picture must be fake, at least in Colorado you are not allowed to smile wide enough to show any teeth. I had to get my photo taken four times to dampen my smile enough to pass and it was cheating a bit at that. Not smiling wide on our first license is really hard to do.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 19, 2017, 07:37:44 PM
I was allowed to flash my... teeth at the department of licensing in Seattle. 
Yeah that's it, teeth.  No typo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 11:11:53 PM
A study in contrasts:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171220/3dbc5faf3e381fd11c6b59ac9ec1bdaa.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 19, 2017, 11:28:53 PM
Who is this Stephen person? He has the same last name as you, are you related?

You look amazing Steph. Seriously, you should be careful. I'm sure there is some kind of law that says you are not permitted to look so good and happy on a driver's licence.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 11:42:32 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 19, 2017, 11:28:53 PM
Who is this Stephen person? He has the same last name as you, are you related?

As a young-at-heart woman, I will acknowledge that he was a dour, sad old man I used to see in mirrors. He did the best he could for years, and helped me become who I am today. I am grateful for the help he gave me, but I can't say I'm sorry that he's not in my life any more. I have too much happy living to do, and he was kind of in my way.

QuoteYou look amazing Steph. Seriously, you should be careful. I'm sure there is some kind of law that says you are not permitted to look so good and happy on a driver's licence.

I'll let you make the judgement on the "good" part - I always find something to criticize. But I won't deny the "happy" part!

Ms. Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 19, 2017, 11:47:20 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 11:42:32 PM
I'll let you make the judgement on the "good" part - I always find something to criticize. But I won't deny the "happy" part!
Believe me, you look good, great.....amazing!! That big heartfelt smile just complements the look.

Quote
Ms. Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger
I suspect you are getting great pleasure from writing your name now. Good for you Ms Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 20, 2017, 12:04:29 AM
Quote from: SadieBlake on December 19, 2017, 01:55:28 PM
Steph, I don't know anything about finasteride however I'm now at 2 years with effectively 0 T, dht and my baldness lines have only receded by the barest of margins. Essentially my understanding of HRT in MTF people is that beard growth, body hair and baldness are only slightly changed.

My hope for minoxidil would be that absent new T perhaps it doesn't need to be applied forever the way it does with people who still have T but I'm sure this has been tried and I'd have heard if it were workable. Still, I plan to try.

P.s. I have a surgery checklist somewhere, I'll try to dig it up.

Also plan on hair removal. I don't trust the surgeon scraping follicles have heard of failures if this method. I'd think start a bare minimum of 6 months before your surgical date.

Maybe my follicles were just dormant instead of dead. I was absolutely sure I was going to need hair transplants until I saw regrowth. The crown is almost completely filled in after using Min since late February. According to the instructions, Min only works on the crown, though I've read of people using it all over their head. What shocked me most was the widow's peaks are getting some fine regrowth that seems to be getting thicker. If what they say about Min is true, then that regrowth must be entirely due to the fin.

For the hair removal, that's one reason I want to choose a surgeon and get a consultation ASAP. I hope I'm not being too optimistic by hoping for surgery before the end of 2018.

And yes, if you can find your checklist, it would sure be helpful.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 20, 2017, 12:50:29 AM
It's been a quiet week here in Lake StephBeGone.

Not.

Yesterday I, along with Sue and the Magster, hosted our first neighborhood potluck dinner at our house. This is a fairly recent innovation, instituted by all the women in the extended family that is our community. Every week the lady of one of the households puts together a one-pot meal, and everyone else brings the rest of the goodies. Since in my house, if I don't cook, we don't eat, I was the woman chosen to run this shindig. I decided on spaghetti.

I, of course - and for no logical reason - was nervous about being my new self among people who are getting pretty used to the idea by now. And everything was fine. I didn't hear any pronouns being used, so didn't hear any misgendering, and  I didn't notice any awkward or humorous looks. I was just Steph, and everyone enjoyed the meal and each other's company, which is exactly what I needed. It was a fine night, and a side benefit was the house hasn't been this clean since we moved in.

And of course, today I went to the DMV office for my new driver's license. I have passed so many milestones in such a short amount of time, but today is the one that hit me the hardest. Seeing a therapist, starting treatment, overcoming my fears of being out, getting the name change court order, and changing the name and gender marker with the Social Security Administration were monumental moments for me, but none touched me as deeply as getting a driver's license with my correct name and gender on it. I just can't stop looking at it. Kendra is so right. It makes everything so real.

And I was terrified the picture would come out as badly as all the other driver's license pictures I've ever had...

I had heard horror stories about DMV offices in other counties and how disrespectfully they had treated some people I know, so I had no idea what to expect. I took a big breath in the car, and headed inside with my folder of paperwork. I had everything in order and was called to the counter with no waiting. Blair took the paperwork, did a bunch of typing, then had me stand in front of the camera. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't see the results, but Blair told me that she thought I'd be very happy with the picture. Later when she finally handed me the card, I started to tear up, and she got a big grin and told me she was happy that I was happy.

Despite the bad forecasts I get from people, I have yet to have a bad experience in a government office, with the deputies in security, the magistrate, the county clerk, the social security people, and now the DMV crew. I suspect it has something to do with my attitude. I always go in with a big smile, show a lot of patience, am as prepared as possible, and show respect and gratitude to whoever's helping me. And I've never failed to get all that reflected back at me.

Tia, I have had plenty of struggles with other aspects of transition, but so far the paper chase hasn't been too bad at all!

And tonight was another Trivia contest with Sue's friends in the Villages. Again, Sue had to work late, and so I went solo until she showed up after work. I met a few new people there, and I have no idea what they know about my situation. It doesn't really matter. I was just Steph to them all, and another team member. It felt strangely normal, except for the part about me being completely authentic and happy with myself. We did pretty badly this week, but had a good time anyway. Afterward Sue and I and S, the lady who put the team together, and is completely clued in and supportive of my transition, went out for Thai food, and had a really good conversation about what transition is all about. It feels great to have a non-self-conscious, open conversation about it all. And once again, I stepped into the role of educator and advocate that my therapist had told me I'd end up as.

After dinner we split up to find our individual cars, and I once again enjoyed the novelty of walking around the town where I'd had a meltdown no more than four months ago, when I was absolutely certain I'd never pass, and transition was a huge mistake. Tonight I had the added joy of having a very special card in my purse, that was absolute proof to anyone who needed it that I am Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, female. I do still get a thrill typing that out. Sorry Jayne, it's going to take a long time before that becomes ordinary.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 20, 2017, 01:07:24 AM
Steph the contrast in your 2014/2017 driver licenses is incredible!  And I am not talking about the blue background.  We all see such a warm smile and many, many other changes. 

Sounds like you're starting to get used to the new normal.  Pretty nice huh? 

On the topic of hair removal and GRS.  My understanding is follicles can be scraped/eliminated during surgery but that causes more time under anesthesia.  I was about to say it can't hurt to eliminate all the hair in advance (as I have), but... yeah electrolysis in that area wasn't exactly a walk in the park.  I don't recommend that in a park or while walking. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 20, 2017, 01:22:50 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 20, 2017, 12:50:29 AM
.... I am Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, female. I do still get a thrill typing that out. Sorry Jayne, it's going to take a long time before that becomes ordinary.
I just love reading about how well everything is going for you. I was reading your latest post on my phone as I was walking in to work from the car park. I was feeling happy for you, but when I read the statement "I am Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger", a huge smile appeared on my face. You seem so proud and happy to finally be your true self. I am also getting a thrill to see you this happy. Don't apologise for it. I hope this thrill stays with you for a very long time and remain extraordinary rather than ordinary.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 20, 2017, 05:54:55 AM
Steph, I keep reading and intending to reply then bunch of other people post my words so I don't. Well, I don't feel right not putting in my 2c so .. Take all the good things you've been posting and add a "I'm thrilled for you" or "You look great"  in the appropriate places.

Thank You  ;D
Faith
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on December 20, 2017, 06:08:29 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 20, 2017, 12:04:29 AM
Maybe my follicles were just dormant instead of dead. I was absolutely sure I was going to need hair transplants until I saw regrowth. The crown is almost completely filled in after using Min since late February. According to the instructions, Min only works on the crown, though I've read of people using it all over their head. What shocked me most was the widow's peaks are getting some fine regrowth that seems to be getting thicker. If what they say about Min is true, then that regrowth must be entirely due to the fin.

For the hair removal, that's one reason I want to choose a surgeon and get a consultation ASAP. I hope I'm not being too optimistic by hoping for surgery before the end of 2018.

And yes, if you can find your checklist, it would sure be helpful.

Steph

First things first here's my amended checklist -- note, one thing I found was completely over optimistic was including panty liners, I continued to need full scale pads for a couple of months.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,221913.msg1990658.html#msg1990658

Clearly finasteride creates an absence of T which for me was accomplished with my estrogen injections and of course now obviated by GCS, as noted it's given me back a little hair, so yay! However that effect is small so I wouldn't attribute your widow's peaks recovery to the F.

I'm psyched to hear that minoxidil has worked for you and better than advertised. I'd attribute their statement to FDA label requirements which are quite strict, drug suppliers can't mention things not observed in trials.

The question going ahead for me will be does it do it's job once and for all, or do you need to keep taking it, obviously I'm hoping for the latter :-) it may be time for more research.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 20, 2017, 08:31:10 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 11:11:53 PM
A study in contrasts:

Lately when running errands I've just been carrying my phone with my driver license and a credit card stuck in a clear pocket on the back. My license was always face down with the CC on top to cover it.

Now that license is front and center, facing out for the world to see. Sorta like me now.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Denise on December 20, 2017, 05:37:49 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 20, 2017, 08:31:10 AM
Lately when running errands I've just been carrying my phone with my driver license and a credit card stuck in a clear pocket on the back. My license was always face down with the CC on top to cover it.

Now that license is front and center, facing out for the world to see. Sorta like me now.

Steph
This made me smile.  Thanks

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on December 20, 2017, 05:45:26 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2017, 11:11:53 PM
A study in contrasts:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171220/3dbc5faf3e381fd11c6b59ac9ec1bdaa.jpg)

You look so happy!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 12:43:54 AM
Quote from: Kendra on December 20, 2017, 01:07:24 AM
Sounds like you're starting to get used to the new normal.  Pretty nice huh?

To live a real life? And to call that normal? Nice doesn't even begin to describe it. I can't think of a strong enough complimentary term, but I know that you know what I mean. You're already there. How cool that I'm finally catching up.

QuoteOn the topic of hair removal and GRS.  My understanding is follicles can be scraped/eliminated during surgery but that causes more time under anesthesia.  I was about to say it can't hurt to eliminate all the hair in advance (as I have)

Is a little more time under anesthesia really that bad compared to all the trauma of the hair removal via electrolysis? Laser isn't an option for me, being naturally blonde shading into gray. I have to wonder whether the surgeon and/or anesthesiologist are really taking the patient's overall well-being into account as much as possible incremental risk to themselves in surgery. Obviously some docs don't have a problem with it.

Quoteelectrolysis in that area wasn't exactly a walk in the park.  I don't recommend that in a park or while walking.

Could I do it in a car?
Could I do it in a bar?
Could I do it in a hall?
I'd rather not do it at all.

Stephie Suess

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 12:47:04 AM
Quote from: Faith on December 20, 2017, 05:54:55 AM
Steph, I keep reading and intending to reply then bunch of other people post my words so I don't. Well, I don't feel right not putting in my 2c so .. Take all the good things you've been posting and add a "I'm thrilled for you" or "You look great"  in the appropriate places.

Thank You  ;D
Faith

Faith, you lazy bum! I love hearing things in your own words. No short cuts next time, my friend! [emoji6]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 01:03:46 AM
Quote from: SadieBlake on December 20, 2017, 06:08:29 AMClearly finasteride creates an absence of T which for me was accomplished with my estrogen injections and of course now obviated by GCS, as noted it's given me back a little hair, so yay! However that effect is small so I wouldn't attribute your widow's peaks recovery to the F.

Possibly I misunderstand the way the F works. I thought it directly suppressed DHT, and blockers and E go after the T. I don't know how the entire process works, so does eliminating T also eliminate any possibility of DHT?

QuoteI'm psyched to hear that minoxidil has worked for you and better than advertised. I'd attribute their statement to FDA label requirements which are quite strict, drug suppliers can't mention things not observed in trials.

Good point. Maybe I'll start using it all over my head.

QuoteThe question going ahead for me will be does it do it's job once and for all, or do you need to keep taking it, obviously I'm hoping for the latter :-) it may be time for more research.

According to the package, the effects wear off if you stop using it, and things will eventually end up where they started. Of course, they're not considering the cocktail we're taking with it.

Your terminology is a little confusing to me, though. Considering what I'm using is a topical liquid or foam, I would say I use it, not take it. You seem to imply here's a way to ingest it somehow. Maybe I misunderstand, but that would be a lot less messy than dumping stuff on your head...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 01:06:04 AM
Quote from: Denise on December 20, 2017, 05:37:49 PM
This made me smile.  Thanks

Isn't it cool how smiles are so contagious?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 01:08:27 AM
Quote from: Jessica on December 20, 2017, 05:45:26 PM
You look so happy!

Only because I was (and am!)

The lady said, "Smile if you want to." I really really wanted to.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 01:32:08 AM
Well, as promised, I went to a group therapy session tonight that was also combined with a holiday celebration. It actually turned out to be more therapy than celebration, but that's ok. The relevant thing is I wore the same outfit that I'd worn to the party last Saturday, and I promised pics to shut up satisfy Kathy due to her requirement of, "Pics or it didn't happen."

So with no further ado, here I am in one of my favorite new outfits.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171221/121e229eca2085a9a32f876ddbb7dd49.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171221/6e265ed222e9702fb2fb5c62c25ffdd7.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171221/1b0504c42869d551daea8f26ba2730d0.jpg)

Sorry if I busted your monitor...

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 21, 2017, 02:07:03 AM
You look beautiful. That smile has become a permanent feature in all the photos I've seen. I love it. It is also very contagious because it always generates a big smile on my face.

I am so happy for you Steph, I mean Ms Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 21, 2017, 02:36:29 AM
Steph,  you look fab-u-lous! And a lovely smile to boot.

X.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on December 21, 2017, 04:41:57 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 01:03:46 AM
Possibly I misunderstand the way the F works. I thought it directly suppressed DHT, and blockers and E go after the T. I don't know how the entire process works, so does eliminating T also eliminate any possibility of DHT?

Good point. Maybe I'll start using it all over my head.

According to the package, the effects wear off if you stop using it, and things will eventually end up where they started. Of course, they're not considering the cocktail we're taking with it.

Your terminology is a little confusing to me, though. Considering what I'm using is a topical liquid or foam, I would say I use it, not take it. You seem to imply here's a way to ingest it somehow. Maybe I misunderstand, but that would be a lot less messy than dumping stuff on your head...

Steph

No, you understand finasteride correctly, I was speaking imprecisely and T is something I talk about often, I never think about dht.

And here's to hoping that minoxidil will be permanent in its effects, I'm extremely wary of drug side effects, wouldn't want to have to take the stuff forever.

As to take vs use, I think that stems from my time in the medical / pharma industry, if it's FDA approved I would default to "take" irrespective of the mode of administration :-). (Mind you minoxidil has been tested systemically if memory serves.)

On the other hair:
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 12:43:54 AM
Is a little more time under anesthesia really that bad compared to all the trauma of the hair removal via electrolysis? Laser isn't an option for me, being naturally blonde shading into gray. I have to wonder whether the surgeon and/or anesthesiologist are really taking the patient's overall well-being into account as much as possible incremental risk to themselves in surgery. Obviously some docs don't have a problem with it.

Time under anesthesia, especially general anesthesia is quite traumatic to the body and efficient speed dictates much of a surgeon's skill set so yes, I count the dozen hours I spent on electrolysis extremely well spent, and I'd add that every bit of trauma to the skin being used in the procedure concerned me -- I'd have done electrolysis even with a surgeon that doesn't require it. I think I also noted a few posts back that even the very small chance of hair follicles surviving the procedure scared me and having heard of quite a few women who'd experienced internal hair growth post-op terrified me.

My $0.02, go with electrolysis, as always ymmv!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 21, 2017, 06:22:20 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 01:32:08 AMhere I am in one of my favorite new outfits.
I'll shut up I am very satisfied now!  You look gorgeous, hun!
Quote
Sorry if I busted your monitor...
No, my monitor is smiling, just like I am.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 21, 2017, 06:42:28 AM
Quote...here I am in one of my favorite new outfits. Sorry if I busted your monitor ...

.. well .. don't be lazy ... my own words .. usually I start with "I need more coffee", that doesn't seem to fit here so I'll go with:
Awesome! I hope that some day I can look even half as happy and comfortable.

oh, and I love the shoes, they look comfy.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 07:01:56 AM
[quote author=Faith link=topic=228563.msg2063946#msg2063946 date=1513860148
Awesome! I hope that some day I can look even half as happy and comfortable.

oh, and I love the shoes, they look comfy.
[/quote]

Thanks Faith. With the way you're constantly pushing the envelope, and with your awesome wife's help, you'll get there.

Oh, the shoes! Easy Spirit. I have the ones in the picture and some 2" pumps, and they're all as comfortable as tennis shoes. If I could afford them, all my shoes would be from Easy Spirit, but alas, the budget...


- Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 08:10:30 AM
This is a story about the power of kindness.

Come on Sherman, let's jump in the Wayback Machine...

~~~~~~

The date is June 21st, 2017. Though I had my own therapist in Orlando, I decided to give an open group therapy session closer to home a try. Sue and I took cupcakes to share, because we had something to celebrate: this was the day I started HRT.

I don't recall what I wore, but I'm sure that that early it would have been at best androgynous, probably my women's jeans and a button down top. Definitely no makeup. I did my best to keep a smile on my face, but I was pretty scared and uncomfortable.

A few minutes later a very friendly and vivacious older woman came in and joined the group (by older I mean she was about my age, not like most of the rest of the people there). Sue and I looked at each other in confusion. Wasn't this group supposed to be for trans people only? Why would a ciswoman be here?

We introduced ourselves, made our big announcement, and shared the cupcakes around for my "rebirthday." Everyone else introduced themselves in turn, and finally came around to the woman. Who, as it turns out, had transitioned 25 years ago. I'll call her Dee. She was very open about her life, and was there to talk about the occasional discomfort she still had when talking about her military background, since when she had served, there were no women in the position she once held.

Anyhow, Sue and I were in the corner on some bar stools, trying to be inconspicuous, and suddenly Dee stopped, slowly looked me up and down, and said, "Honey, you're going to do just fine." It was a long way to the floor from that bar stool for my jaw to drop. I had to lean over to pick it back up.

Forty five minutes later as we were heading out, she deliberately caught up with us in the lobby and told me, "HRT is going to work so well for you!" Out of all the people in the group, she singled me out to say such nice things to. At that time I was consumed by both elation over starting HRT, and almost crippling self-doubt, and it was exactly what I needed to hear, exactly when I needed to hear it. It was a kindness I will remember for the rest of my life.

~~~~~~

Back to the future...

I attended a few sessions afterward, but Dee never showed up again. Things had been going so well for me (and the office it was held in had such bad air conditioning) that I stopped going. But I kept thinking about her and her kindness, and also about how it would be nice to sit down and talk with someone my own age who had been there and done that.

I finally gathered my courage and emailed the therapist to ask her if she would pass my email info on to Dee and let her know I'd like to make contact. And Dee emailed me back. It turns out she's a pretty well-known LGBT activist, and spends so much time traveling that she doesn't get home much, so finding time to meet up would be tricky. It also turned out that the therapist was actually her daughter. We friended each other on Facebook, and I saw that she'd be back in town, and through an email learned that she would be attending her daughter's next therapy session. And that's where we went last night.

One day short of six months after starting HRT (today is the anniversary!) I finally got to see her again and thank her with a big hug for what she'd done for me. We hit it off again, and exchanged phone numbers with the intention of meeting up some time during the holidays while she's on vacation.

Her kindness to me six months ago showed me how valuable a kind word can be to someone just getting started. It's hard to think of myself as an old-timer here, but I've tried to take that lesson to heart, and is the reason I try to be extra nice to new people here.

I'm trying to pay it forward now.
- Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 21, 2017, 08:22:53 AM
What a wonderful story,  your fairy trans-mother! When you see her, tell her the Susan's gang all owe her a big hug for helping Stephanie into the world. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 21, 2017, 09:22:28 AM
Quote from: Megan. on December 21, 2017, 08:22:53 AM
When you see her, tell her the Susan's gang all owe her a big hug for helping Stephanie into the world. X
(((((HUG))))) Here is my hug to pass on
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 21, 2017, 11:09:18 AM
Here's my hug to pass on to her: ((((((Dee)))))).  And here's one for yourself, for sharing that beautiful story: ((((((Steph)))))).
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 21, 2017, 11:03:11 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 21, 2017, 11:09:18 AM
Here's my hug to pass on to her: ((((((Dee)))))).  And here's one for yourself, for sharing that beautiful story: ((((((Steph)))))).

Awwwww. You guyzzzzzz...

As an addendum to the story, and an indication of how far I've come in six short months: On the way home from that first meeting, Sue was really hungry, and wanted to stop for something to eat. I was terrified of going into even a McDonalds (and not only because of the food), and wouldn't let her stop even at a drive-through. She was pretty frustrated with me, and that just added to the anxiety.

Last night - and you've seen the pictures of how I was dressed - I asked her where we were going to eat.

We ended up in a Chili's. And it was good.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 22, 2017, 04:24:59 AM
Welcome to your boring, normal... happy life. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 22, 2017, 11:04:29 PM
I have discovered Newton's Law of Trans.

For every happiness, there is an equal and opposite unhappiness.

I finally viscerally understand Laurie's pain. I just took my evening dose of hormones. Out of habit. Not because I think there's any real point to it.

A friend - I'll call him L -  was coming over today. He hadn't met me since I started transitioning. We used to fly ultralights together in the old days. I actually thought I'd lost him when I'd told him six weeks ago what I was doing, to the point where when we went on our big road trip to Tennessee, I didn't bother to arrange an overnight stay at his house as I used to, or even call to meet for lunch as we drove by. Yet last week he'd contacted me to arrange a visit when he was going to be in the area. Surprisingly, he wasn't the problem today. Though he was in no way complimentary, neither was he critical. He made an effort to use the right name, I took him for a flight, and the visit was good, ending with a renewal of the old offer to stop by his place when we got into the area. Pretty positive outcome for the day, right? Well, that was just a small part of a very long day. Notably, he never used any pronouns. The rest of the story revolves around them.

L had seemed ambivalent on the phone, still wondering whether this was some kind of elaborate practical joke. So I decided I needed to make myself look as good as I could, within the limitations of it being a casual kind of day and having to get into and fly the plane. I wore women's jeans and a fitted, button down 3/4 sleeve red top with flowers embroidered on it. The princess seams enhanced my bustline, and I considered just wearing a tank top underneath, with the shirt unbuttoned enough to see the top of it, but instead decided to wear my padded bra to make it more obvious. I really wanted this to work well today, and it was the 4th combination of tops and undershirts I tried before I was happy with the look. I did my face and hair the way I usually do, though today I went a tiny bit lighter on the eyeliner and mascara, trying for a subtle, natural look. I was pretty happy with the end result.

It's a good thing I learned how to act over 50 years of pretending to be male. I found out how fast I can click back into acting mode.

Shortly after L arrived, the UPS truck showed up with Christmas gifts. As I started walking across the yard with a big smile on my face (Christmas gifts!), he called out, "How you doin' today, sir?" Click. Keep smiling, reach up into the truck and get the package, and wish the driver Merry Christmas. He looked a little confused, but there was no comment. OK, >-bleeped-< happens...

L and I decided to grab lunch. Since my court date, my favorite place to go is where we we ended up having a party after our group left the courthouse. I knew it was a safe space where the staff already knew my story, everyone was always cheerful and happy to see me, and there would be no awkwardness. We took a seat anywhere, and our bright, friendly waitress took our drink order. When she came back she took L's order, then turned smiling to me and said, "And what can I get you, sir?" Bam. Click. Smile back. Place the order. Melt down inside. Not here. Not in my safe space!

Now what? It was time to try something new. When she came back I stood up, smiling, and told her I wanted to show her something, like I was asking her to celebrate with me. I showed her my new drivers license, and pointed out the "F" on it. She congratulated me, then apologized. If she had stopped there, I would have recovered. Instead, she said, "I didn't know!" She didn't know. Long hair out and brushed, obvious bustline, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, colorful bracelets, fancy necklace, embroidered top. "Sirs" do not dress that way in this part of central Florida. Second order click. Smile, touch the shoulder, I understand. Melt melt.

When we got back home, we took my dog for a walk and I showed L around the neighborhood. Talked to a few neighbors, then my dog trotted off with one of them for her promised daily treats. I caught up with them at my neighbor's house, where he told my dog, "Looks like he found you!" Third order click. Smile. Come on Maggie, let's go home. Melt.

We went for a 45 minute flight, the highlight of my day. Made low passes on all my favorite local fields, let L fly for a while, then made a flawless three-point landing back at home. We talked a little more, and L left. One more walk with Maggie before dark. Three houses from home, the first click came off. One house from home, I lost the second click and my face got wet. I made it to the kitchen before the last click released, and with it all the pent-up frustration, disappointment, and pain.

How much is enough? I really worked at it today. If that's not good enough, why try at all? Look what I've done to myself: I'm someone the world sees as a guy, but now I've saddled myself with a girl's name. My records say F, but everyone sees M. I've just made everything worse instead of better.

OK, the UPS guy: He saw me from a distance. But if I can't pass from a distance, what chance do I have up close where he can see this old man face?

Ok, my neighbor: Force of habit. I get it.

But the waitress: "I didn't know." Those words will haunt me forever.

I got home and texted my friend Cassie. She'd offered a hug earlier when I texted her about the UPS guy, but I declined then, thinking I'd get over that one thing. Now I asked for that hug, and we texted back and forth until I couldn't read the screen any more. She did her best to console me, but the hurt was more than glowing words could fix.

Another friend texted out of the blue, and I tried not to spread the pain any further, but she saw through it and I confessed. Her solution: screw what people think, live your life, and make it their problem to adjust. I hear that a lot. I guess I'm different. Maybe too weak for that. But my goal isn't to force the world to get used to me as a guy in a dress with a girl's name. My goal is to have the world see me on the outside as I know myself to be on the inside. And apparently I'm failing miserably at it.

Should I have forced the subject? Embarrass them instead of absorbing the pain myself? Would that make the situation better, or just cause resentment?

I have no idea where to go from here. I'll keep taking my meds. I'm not sure why.

Steph (a girl's name)

DAMN TAPATALK ONLY SHOWS THE LAST FIVE PARAGRAPHS. Tell it to show the web view if you care to see the whole story.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on December 22, 2017, 11:45:13 PM
Oh, Steph!  I'm so sorry this happened to you.

All I can offer is that I seem to get clocked more when my confidence is down, when I'm nervous or apprehensive.  And naturally, being misgendered kicks me right into that space, turning a bad day into a very bad day.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 23, 2017, 12:53:10 AM
Well Dear Stephanie,

  And yes that is who you are, Stephanie. No one else, Just Stephanie just the same girl you have always been.
You were Stephanie yesterday. You were Stephanie last week and the week before. And you are Stephanie today, REGARDLESS of a few misgenderings. And tomorrow you will continue being Stephanie and so on from tomorrow on. If you are doubting it take out that dang license and read again what it says on it. It says right there Stephanie Rhapsody B##### F for female ! Read it and believe it! You are that woman it shows there.
  A few mishaps does not make you a he or a Mr. or a Sir and you damn well know it. Now pick your sorry tear streaked person up and be proud of who you are. You have worked for this all your like lady, now be a lady and carry yourself like one. You are not like me our problems are not the same at all. Take those pills because you know they are right for you and for you it is not just a useless habit.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on December 23, 2017, 01:19:23 AM
Sorry you had such a rough day, being misgendered sucks bigtime. Maybe you should correct a few people if for no other reason other than to know that you can. Gentle, polite but firm...

Some days can be really cruddy when you are transitioning and this sounds like one of those.  Some jerk misgendering you changes nothing. Give yourself some time and get you confidence back. Being misgendered is quite often more about another persons agenda and is done deliberately to try and embarrass. Don't give them the satisfaction.

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Drexy/Drex on December 23, 2017, 04:09:08 AM
Impressive  steph i remember our earlier dialogue.....wow what can i say 😊
I wouldnt worry about it  you look great and it will only get better
Who cares what knuckle draggers think
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 23, 2017, 05:57:03 AM
Steph, I am so sorry to read what you went through. I felt it in every word and to be clear, I am not trying to make light of your pain or dismiss it. Never would I do such a thing.

People misgender CIS people, people congratulate pregnant people - who aren't pregnant. People make mistakes. Don't take their mistakes to heart. You know and we know who you are.

I am not eloquent before coffee and barely afterwards. I hope my intent is there if not the right words
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 23, 2017, 06:43:11 AM
Oh, Steph, honey, I am so sorry that you were surrounded by d**kh**ds today.  Make no mistake, that's what it is: it's not you; it's them.  People have their own agendas that they feel obligated to push onto other people.  "Didn't know", my a**.  Of course they knew you were a "ma'am".  They were just trying to make you feel bad.

Don't give them the satisfaction.  You are Stepanie.  You are an 'F', both on your license and in your heart.  And you are beautiful.  Don't ever forget that.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 23, 2017, 07:59:06 AM


Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 22, 2017, 11:04:29 PM
...My goal is to have the world see me on the outside as I know myself to be on the inside. And apparently I'm failing miserably at it.

We know the wonderful woman you are on the inside and outside. I'm not sure it's possible for your outside to ever truly capture all your internal beauty,  we'd be blinded if that happened!

Stay strong hun. (((hugs))). X


Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 08:10:11 AM
Thank you, friends. I love you all so much for trying to help.

Staring at the ceiling, three things occur to me.

First, I truly do not believe anybody set out with the intention of hurting me yesterday. The UPS guy probably gave the most honest assessment of all. He was just doing his job, trying to be respectful and cheerful to a customer, and spoke based on what he perceived to be the truth. And he saw a guy. That tells me I just out and out failed to pass. Why should I blame him for being an honest human being. The fault lies in myself.

The waitress was different, but no more to blame. She was genuinely happy to see us, was very nice, and was extremely embarrassed when I pointed out her mistake. I felt bad for making her feel bad. I really wanted to take her aside and try to get some idea how it had all happened, but it would have just made an awkward situation more intolerable.

My neighbor is one of the nicest people I know. He has gone out of his way to take me to dinner as my new self, and treats me no different than he ever did, including the joking around we do. And maybe that's part of the problem. It may be that around the neighborhood, while I am always in female garb now, and usually with my hair untied, I often don't get very fancied up with makeup, etc., and I don't take too much care with my voice. In one respect that's nice, as it shows that I've lost the old self-consciousness, and have become comfortable around my friends - But because of that I'm probably still being viewed as the same old Steve, who's using a slightly different name and wearing different styles now. No reason to treat him differently. This is something I intend to address at my party. I've dialed back on my original idea of making everyone write things down and throw them in a fire, but I do intend to be completely dolled up, and through a ritual will make it graphically clear that Steve, he, him, his, no longer exist, and if they have any respect for me, then Stephanie, she, her, hers are all that remains. Maybe it'll work(?)

Second thought: why am I so reluctant to correct anyone? Why should I take on this pain to avoid awkward situations? Why should I even care if I hurt someone after they hurt me? Trying to figure this out led me down some dark alleys. First is, I don't think I'd have any problem correcting anyone if I believed that were doing it intentionally. Eye for an eye. But when good-intentioned people mess up in spite of themselves, I feel the pain I'd inflict on them, and would rather they stay happy. Why should I deliberately spread pain to people who don't deserve it? That thought actually makes me feel a little good, as it could be considered a feminine trait. But the other thought is darker, and that's the possibility that I can't force them to see me as feminine because I don't really believe it myself. I am not male, and have never felt that way, but I feel like I'm in purgatory, some floating halfway state without discernible gender. Everything is confused, nothing makes sense. I thought I was projecting confidence until I got knocked down yesterday, but maybe Michelle is right, and I wasn't as sure as I thought I was. Whatever my state was yesterday morning, my confidence is certainly shot today.

Final thought, about the value of our internal identification vs. what people see. I hear a lot that all that matters is how we feel inside, and external validation is useless. If that's true, why transition at all? It's how the world perceives and treats me that completes my identification as a woman. If I can't make that work, what's the point of this all? Sure, I've achieved the technical goal of forcing the federal and state governments to put an F on some paperwork. I've always been good at jumping through hoops. But it's just a letter that makes zero impact on someone's perception of who they're looking at.

So those are my thoughts on this gray morning. My plan today is to give it one more shot. Get cleaned up, try everything i know how to do, and fly to breakfast. Attempt to fake it until I make it, and see what I can accomplish. If I fail today, I don't have a backup plan.


- Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 23, 2017, 08:31:34 AM
QuoteFinal thought, about the value of our internal identification vs. what people see. I hear a lot that all that matters is how we feel inside, and external validation is useless. If that's true, why transition at all? It's how the world perceives and treats me that completes my identification as a woman. If I can't make that work, what's the point of this all?

Silly girl. Transition is for us, not others. There may be some truth in all that you typed out and it's good to unload it, that isn't one of them.

QuoteSo those are my thoughts on this gray morning. My plan today is to give it one more shot. Get cleaned up, try everything i know how to do, and fly to breakfast. Attempt to fake it until I make it, and see what I can accomplish. If I fail today, I don't have a backup plan.

You're not faking, you're uncertain. You're doubting yourself based on the actions of others. You only fail if you stop trying - that is your backup plan. Keep trying to see yourself as you know you are. Or, better yet, stop trying and just KNOW
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Devlyn on December 23, 2017, 08:36:29 AM
Faith beat me to it. You're not transitioning for anyone but yourself.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 10:12:12 AM
Quote from: Faith on December 23, 2017, 08:31:34 AM
Silly girl. Transition is for us, not others. There may be some truth in all that you typed out and it's good to unload it, that isn't one of them.

Quote from: Devlyn MarieFaith beat me to it. You're not transitioning for anyone but yourself.  :)

I applaud both of you for having the strength of will and sense of self to be able to exist independently of the society you're immersed in - for being so strong that misgendering doesn't bother you at all. I don't think I'll ever get to that place.

And yes, I guess my backup plan has to be to keep on trying. I've gotten to a place where there are no other realistic alternatives.

- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Devlyn on December 23, 2017, 10:42:25 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 10:12:12 AM
Quote from: Faith on December 23, 2017, 08:31:34 AM
Silly girl. Transition is for us, not others. There may be some truth in all that you typed out and it's good to unload it, that isn't one of them.

Quote from: Devlyn MarieFaith beat me to it. You're not transitioning for anyone but yourself.  :)

I applaud both of you for having the strength of will and sense of self to be able to exist independently of the society you're immersed in - for being so strong that misgendering doesn't bother you at all. I don't think I'll ever get to that place.

And yes, I guess my backup plan has to be to keep on trying. I've gotten to a place where there are no other realistic alternatives.

- Stephanie

It comes down to counting what you do have, not what you don't. If passing is your goal, count the passes, not the clockings. You want a list of the positives, not the negatives.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 11:05:27 AM
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 23, 2017, 10:42:25 AMIt comes down to counting what you do have, not what you don't. If passing is your goal, count the passes, not the clockings. You want a list of the positives, not the negatives.  :)

Now that is something that gets no argument from me.  I acknowledge that I have a bad tendency to focus on the negatives. Fifty years of dysphoria can kinda make you a pessimist. I'm working on it.

- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 23, 2017, 11:11:19 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 11:05:27 AM
Now that is something that gets no argument from me.  I acknowledge that I have a bad tendency to focus on the negatives. Fifty years of dysphoria can kinda make you a pessimist. I'm working on it.

- Stephanie
Never argue with a person in a Santa hat! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 11:13:07 AM
Quote from: Megan. on December 23, 2017, 11:11:19 AM
Never argue with a person in a Santa hat! X

Naughty or niiiice? Or both?

(Ho ho... Ho?)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 23, 2017, 11:15:05 AM
If it's Devlyn,  then definitely naughty!

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on December 23, 2017, 11:24:53 AM
Hi Steph,

I feel your pain. Last evening Deb and I were at a gathering at a friends house and I had the chance to catch up with an old friend from our old church. We spent quite some time talking stuff, lives, families, interests, etc. The short of it was when we parted he looked into my eyes and said, "Good to see you brother", with full intentionality. I was able to hold back the tears until we could get out the door, then I was a wreck all night.

Another story, two days ago I had my first mammogram (not as bad as expected) and I had a chance to talk withy the technician. When we hit on hormones she eluded to the reason I was taking them was to grow breasts. My response of while the breasts were a big part of the original intent (and great), my ability to feel, cry, understand and empathize was so much greater than body changes and totally worth all the efforts and trials. She had no idea of the head and heart changes from hormones and hadn't a clue that guys think and feel different than women.....wow, that was a surprise for me. She told me that she was going to give her husband a bit more of a break when he leaks out too much stupid.

You and I spent a night crying and doubting and questioning.......for me this was not something possible a couple of years ago. Yes, I really want to "Pass" and to be able to go out as stealth and I will cry when read, either unintentionally or due to the anger or idiocy of others........but the thought of going back, even if I could, has not entered my mind over this. At the gathering I interacted with many folks, some of them know of my life and kindly accepted me and some didn't. Most of my current life is out and about with only the rare uncomfortable event. I think that I have read of this being common in Steph's life lately as well. 

So, what now? I suggest that you pull out your old driver's license and compare pictures and tell me if you notice any differences. Look at yourself, talk with friends, do some retail therapy and feel the joy of being you.....and then please tell me to shut up and quit crying and do the same thing. By the way, how long have you been on hormones and how much of a change has come about with them? Give them and some more socialization and war paint changes time to take effect.

Please forgive me if I am to blunt but I am still crying myself.
Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 23, 2017, 12:23:56 PM
 Stephanie.

  Don't make me come out there and hunt you down. I'm not ready yet. Besides, I'm not in a good mood this morning and your nonsense isn't helping. I love ya girl but I swear, when I do get out there I am going to slap you up the side of your head right after I give you a ((Hug)).

QuoteSo those are my thoughts on this gray morning. My plan today is to give it one more shot. Get cleaned up, try everything i know how to do, and fly to breakfast. Attempt to fake it until I make it, and see what I can accomplish. If I fail today, I don't have a backup plan.

   I do not like this dumb idea at all. First problem with it is that you think you have something to prove.(in bold black) You do not! All you are doing is setting yourself up to fail. Let me ask you a question Stephanie. How long have you been actively transitioning? Hell while I am at it, exactly what have you done to transition physically? Based on those two answers, why the hell do you think you are going to pass 100% of the time? Is it because you have long hair? It can't be that. Anyone can have long hair including me, mine is almost shoulder length, but I am never going to pass with my own hair, not with this damn bald top. Oh perhaps it's because you wear makeup? Nope, these days more men are getting into facials, manicures, foundations, contouring and concealers and moisturizers. some  are even using eye makeup. The days of makeup being a thing for women only are waning. Well then, it must be clothes. Wrong again clothes are becoming more androgynous. Skinny jeans for guys, more colorful shirts, pantyhose and even skirts and jumpers. Jewelry? Now come on, Ms Stephanie, you know better than that. No, not jewelry.
  Well that knocks the hell out of that! Your personal expectations are set too damn high for where you are in your transition. The fact is you are not going to pass all the time, especially at this stage in the process. As a friend of mine is fond of telling me, "You my dear have a thinking error"

  On to the maroon part "Get cleaned up, try everything i know how to do",  Okay in this one you are right but not for the silly objective you have set yourself. No, you are going to do this because it is what women do. Your my dear are a woman so it is what YOU do, for YOURSELF. That is the only important reason to do it. You do it because it makes you feel good.

  On to the green. "see what I can accomplish". See top section with particular attention to "All you are doing is setting yourself up to fail', "expectations are set tooo damn high".  You my dear have unrealistic expectations, you have a thinking error.

Lastly " If I fail today, I don't have a backup plan." This is you most harmful statement of all. You have already defeated yourself by saying this. You are expecting this outcome. You have no hope of avoiding it IN YOUR MIND. You know damn well, if you go looking for failure you will find it. This is what you have set yourself up to do with this unrealistic, useless challenge of of yours. Passing is nice yes, and you chalk up another win when you do, but being clocked is going to happen, especially here at the start of your transition.
  Put your big girl panties on, pull them up, and go out to face the world. Not as a challenge, but with your head held high for the brave thing you have undertaken.. becoming the woman within that you have begun to show on the outside. "begun" That is the operable word there. You, dear Stephanie, are a work in progress. You have a long way to go yet, but you will get there if you keep that goal in mind and not let these annoyances derail you. Now stop this silly nonsense so I can get back to feeling sorry for myself. There are priorities you know.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 01:12:22 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 23, 2017, 12:23:56 PMDon't make me come out there and hunt you down. I'm not ready yet. Besides, I'm not in a good mood this morning and your nonsense isn't helping. I love ya girl but I swear, when I do get out there I am going to slap you up the side of your head right after I give you a ((Hug)).

"All you are doing is setting yourself up to fail', "expectations are set tooo damn high".  You my dear have unrealistic expectations, you have a thinking error.

Holy...

Thank you ma'am, may I have another?

I'll write more when I get home, but FYI, Sue and I are sitting in a restaurant near the airport in Crystal River, and I'm getting Ladied and Ma'amed by everyone.

So Pththththththhhhhhh.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171223/4c82e58d215da5ffa28427043221eaa6.jpg)

Obviously feeling better. And I distracted you from your own self-imposed misery, didn't I?

-Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 23, 2017, 01:45:46 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 01:12:22 PM
Holy...

Thank you ma'am, may I have another?

I'll write more when I get home, but FYI, Sue and I are sitting in a restaurant near the airport in Crystal River, and I'm getting Ladied and Ma'amed by everyone.

So Pththththththhhhhhh.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171223/4c82e58d215da5ffa28427043221eaa6.jpg)

Obviously feeling better. And I distracted you from your own self-imposed misery, didn't I?

-Stephanie

  You are so getting slapped...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on December 23, 2017, 02:04:51 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 23, 2017, 01:45:46 PM
  You are so getting slapped...

Promises, promises...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Devlyn on December 23, 2017, 02:08:06 PM
Laurie's playing the "So help me, if I have to stop this car..." card, but we're all in back seats in different states!  >:-)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 23, 2017, 02:09:04 PM
Are we nearly there yet? [emoji23]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 02:28:41 PM
I'll turn this forum around and go straight home! (Which I am BTW, after a bumpy flight.)


- Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 23, 2017, 02:37:08 PM
My dear friend Stephanie,
I just got caught up on your thread. I am very sorry you had such a bad day. You lost your confidence and your day continued going downhill. You will have bad days, and they are going to suck. Have another read of Laurie's post. She said everything that I couldn't find the words for, including slapping you up side of the head right after giving you a hug.

Being able to pass involves having confidence in yourself. The UPS guy misgendered you for some unknown reason. You assumed it was because you don't pass. You then started to lose your confidence and stopped believing in yourself. When you stopped believing that you are Stephanie, a woman, was the moment you set yourself up to fall. People will continue to misgender you for any number of reasons, that is on them not you. I have many times misgendered cis women calling them "mate" or "buddy". Not because I thought they were men but because my mind was distracted and thinking of something else and I had just spent the entire day interacting with only men. My misgendered had absolutely nothing to do with the woman I was talking to.

You are Stephanie and you know it. You are not transitioning so that some random UPS guy, or waitress can call you ma'am. You are transitioning so that you are comfortable in your own skin and able to function from day to day without being crippled by dysphoria.

I am late catching up with this thread, so I won't say too much more as I see you are already feeling better. Bad days will happen from time to time. Up to this point you have had a dream run with your transition. You have achieved so much in a short time. Just treat this day as a lesson that things won't always go smoothly. But you are a big girl now and will bounce back. And we are always here to help pick you up (or slap you up side of the head if necessary!).

Again, I am sorry you had such a crappy day.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 23, 2017, 03:09:06 PM
I was misgendered at a furniture store yesterday.  Might have been my voice (half year training which I've now bailed on - just scheduled with Yeson VFS in Seoul).  Or more likely because I was focused on other things and probably walked in with mismatched body language/gestures.  Half a century of habits I am working to change - things that have nothing to do with makeup, clothing, hair.  Of course I don't appreciate being misgendered but it happens 1/4 of the time, plus another 1/4 where people aren't sure. 

Having that happen several times in a row can erode anyone's confidence.  The catch-22 is a certain amount of self-confidence matters in presenting our correct gender.  You did the right thing not breaking down on the spot but yeah it ain't always easy.

If anyone intentionally misgenders to be a jerk, that's a completely different case and I don't hold back in my response. 

When I get misgendered by accident I remind myself it's just that - an accident - to avoid the downward spiral. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on December 23, 2017, 08:39:50 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 23, 2017, 08:10:11 AM
.................
Final thought, about the value of our internal identification vs. what people see. I hear a lot that all that matters is how we feel inside, and external validation is useless. If that's true, why transition at all? It's how the world perceives and treats me that completes my identification as a woman. If I can't make that work, what's the point of this all? Sure, I've achieved the technical goal of forcing the federal and state governments to put an F on some paperwork. I've always been good at jumping through hoops. But it's just a letter that makes zero impact on someone's perception of who they're looking at.

So those are my thoughts on this gray morning. My plan today is to give it one more shot. Get cleaned up, try everything i know how to do, and fly to breakfast. Attempt to fake it until I make it, and see what I can accomplish. If I fail today, I don't have a backup plan.


- Steph

Steph as someone who looks obviously trans there is not enough makeup or surgeons in the world that will ever make me look even remotely like a cis woman....so what do I do...I have crippling Dysphoria since as long as I can remember and I can't live with that any longer. So I had to make my peace with not passing, but as you well know this stuff is never as easy as that.

Once I began to stop trying to "look" cis and concentrated on letting Liz be Liz, things began to improve...I sat and I watch mannerisms, listened to voices, took note of clothes sense, body language and interactions between people...at the end of all this I was certain that I would have all the information in order to be able to "pass". The truth however is that what I learned very quickly is that there is no one way to be a woman. Many of the "clockable" traits we talk about here I noted in Cis women as well. So I guess I worked out there is no one way to be trans and there is no right way to be a woman.

Since I have begun fulltime about 9 months ago I expected to be misgendered at every turn and in the end what I discovered is that " internal identification " is important becuase it goes so much to how I feel about myself and therefore how I interact with the world. Simply because someone perceives you differently doesn't make it right.

When I am out in public I do not get misdgendered...leave that to my family ....so why is it that someone who is clearly trans  and "non-passing" does not get misgendered? I can only put it down to confidence and being who I am, I am a woman and believe it with all my being and this I think projects in the way I move through the world.

With Self acceptance (Yes Laurie...Self acceptance again!! LOL) I find I care much less about how I am perceived. I don't know the last time I misgendered in public...family and friends can be a whole other ball game. SIGH!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 24, 2017, 08:40:00 AM
[Once again I note that if you're reading this in Tapatalk, it refuses to show long entries. Tell it to show the Web View to read the whole posting.]

I had started typing this up as a reply to a posting in my friend Jayne's personal thread, but realized it would be more properly posted here. So here is my story related to what Jayne said:

Quote from: Jayne01 on December 21, 2017, 10:15:30 AM
I find the GD is often made worse by seemingly small things like seeing a group of female friends socialising especially if they are of similar age to me. I also get dysphoric with things that I can never experience, like seeing a group of girls playing and having fun together. Things like that I have to just let go otherwise I will drive myself crazy. It's not like time could be wound back to make me a little girl. But the dysphoria has a way of stirring up an otherwise good day with these kind of feelings. That's when I have to just dissociate for a while. Close my eyes and try to imagine myself being female in the present moment.

Wow. That triggers so many memories. Here are three from my past, involving the people I used to work with.

In my last real job (15 years ago now) I managed the IT department for a small food company. We had refurbished the house next door to headquarters for the use of the marketing department. Headquarters was somewhat sterile office space, but the marketing house was warm and beautiful inside, with a kitchen that had coffee and tea always available, a nice walkway through the woods and past a pond with a fountain, and second story views of the oaks and poplars. Marketing always got the best of the hardware, and I maintained them along with their independent network and file and backup servers.

You'd think I would have to be over there all the time to keep that hardware running. You'd be right that I was there a lot, but not because of the hardware. I ran that 33 million dollar company entirely on Apple Macintoshes, and they needed very little maintenance. The reason I was there as much as possible is because almost the entire department was women, and they just loved me. Almost as much as I loved just hanging around with them. There was no sexual tension involved. We were all just good friends and it was such a warm safe space for me to be in. I always hated going back to my cold stark office in the main building.

To give an idea how well we got along, one year, some time in September or October, the manager of marketing asked if she could borrow one of my ties. Yeah, I had to wear those nooses back then, but I made the best of it, with colorful fun designs, and even some with cartoon characters, etc. The marketing manager told me that she wanted to loan a friend of hers my tie that had Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd on it for some function they were attending. No problem. It went away for a weekend, came back the next week, and was forgotten.

Fast forward to the end of October and the company Halloween party. I wasn't into costumes back then, considering that I was in costume all the time, and was never allowed to take it off. But every woman in the marketing department came as "Steve." They had made color copies of my tie, wore Oxford shirts, pleated Dockers and glasses, and tied their hair back in a ponytail. I wish I could find a picture of it. It was glorious at the same time it was deeply disturbing. I had never heard the word "dysphoria" back then, but I knew who and what I was, and also knew I couldn't act on it. They were just showing their love for me and joking around. They had no idea what I was feeling. While they were being me, I wanted to be them. One of them in particular kept getting comments about how much she looked like me. In my head, I heard that as I looked like her. Except she was so cute and had those bumps under her shirt. All I could do was suppress the confusion, roll my eyes, and smile along.

The second story also took place in the marketing house. While everyone else worked 8-5, I usually came in at 9 and worked until 6. I could often get more done in that last hour, once everyone left, than I could most of the rest of the day. I found myself in marketing at 5pm, and my best friend J was still there, wrapping up a project. We got to talking, and she said something like, "Here, let's try something." I had been growing my hair for about 5 years at that point, and it was well below my shoulders, as it is now. She turned my chair around, pulled my hair loose, brushed it out, and put it into a single fat braid. She put my hair tie back on the end, and put a feather in it. Oh. My. God. At the same time I was luxuriating in the feeling, I was almost frozen in terror. Did she know? What would other people think? I don't ever want this to end! I was so petrified I could barely move, but I couldn't stop grinning like a fool, either. You know that sound of a screeching needle across a phonograph record? That was playing non-stop in my head. I finally went back to my office to wrap up the day, knowing there'd be few people to see me, then locked up the building and went home. I hated taking it out before bed. I knew I'd never have it again. How odd to know that I could have it again now if I wanted to. J doesn't know it, but her actions that day formed a bond between us that I will always treasure. To this day, she is the only one from the old days that I regularly communicate with.

The third story happened after I'd given my notice that I was leaving the company to move to Florida. During my last week there, I was told that I would be taken to a goodbye lunch. When I got to the restaurant, I was met by all the women from the marketing department, plus a few from sales and accounting. It was a huge crew, and they were all women who wanted to show their love and respect to me. It was such a warm and loving meal, even though we ribbed each other mercilessly as we always did. It's not likely they thought of it this way, but to me it felt like they had completely accepted me as another woman in their circle. It made leaving even harder. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

So Jayne, I know viscerally exactly what you're going through. Hang tough and you will some day be in that circle, too. You're already well on your way.


- Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 24, 2017, 10:34:19 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on December 23, 2017, 11:24:53 AM
Hi Steph,

I feel your pain. Last evening Deb and I were at a gathering at a friends house and I had the chance to catch up with an old friend from our old church. We spent quite some time talking stuff, lives, families, interests, etc. The short of it was when we parted he looked into my eyes and said, "Good to see you brother", with full intentionality. I was able to hold back the tears until we could get out the door, then I was a wreck all night.

Hi Tia,

Thank you for sharing this with me. I was beginning to think that I was somehow broken for allowing such things to get to me. So many people are telling me to suck it up, buttercup, but my emotions are real and valid. Whether my reactions are over the top or even logical doesn't matter. When I hurt, I cry. And eventually I get better. Having all my friends out there watching my back makes the recovery faster, but I think the catharsis is just a necessary balance to the good times, as long as it doesn't lead to something really bad.

I'm so sorry that your "brother" doesn't get it. I'm not religious, but hearing something like that seems so hypocritical from a fellow church-goer.

But look at how far you've come. I so wish I were already to the point you are. I have so far to go, so much pain to endure, and you've come out of it all so beautifully. You have no obligation to take such disrespect lying down. As Laurie points out, I am so early in the process, and I have probably developed unrealistic expectations based on all the good luck I've had so far. You, on the other hand, are to the point where you can expect positive feedback. When someone deliberately misgenders you like he did, you have every right to correct him, with malice if necessary. Such meanness shouldn't go unaddressed.

Quote
Another story, two days ago I had my first mammogram (not as bad as expected) and I had a chance to talk withy the technician. When we hit on hormones she eluded to the reason I was taking them was to grow breasts. My response of while the breasts were a big part of the original intent (and great), my ability to feel, cry, understand and empathize was so much greater than body changes and totally worth all the efforts and trials. She had no idea of the head and heart changes from hormones and hadn't a clue that guys think and feel different than women.....wow, that was a surprise for me. She told me that she was going to give her husband a bit more of a break when he leaks out too much stupid.

I guess I understand that there have been some changes, though I never really felt all that "dude-ish" before. I always had the tendency to cry over emotional things, though I had to suppress it hard. It wasn't easy. The biggest change for me is most of the anger is gone. I'm much more relaxed behind the wheel. Driving is no longer a competition, it's a cooperation to see how smoothly I can help things flow. You want to merge in? Sure, you aren't going to make me any later by getting in in front of me. You're welcome! I've watched in wonder and occasional alarm as a general outsider while guys do guy things. I never got it. While I rode trail bikes and sailed and flew small airplanes, I never thought it was to prove anything to anyone. It was to experience the joy of learning a new skill, and getting out into the woods, or lakes, or skies. Even now, I insist that my little car has a manual transmission, not for some chest-beating bragging rights, but for the deep satisfaction of a smooth pullout or a perfectly rev-matched shift. Same applies to airplanes. I want a taildragger for the happiness of a perfect grass-tickling three-point landing.

The only time I feel real anger any more is when I'm pressed for time or feel like I'm cornered by circumstances. I'll then get into a "hissy fit". Otherwise, when things go badly, I end up feeling sad instead of mad.

It's surprising that your tech had never noticed the differences. Where did she think the stupid was coming from?

Quote
You and I spent a night crying and doubting and questioning.......for me this was not something possible a couple of years ago. Yes, I really want to "Pass" and to be able to go out as stealth and I will cry when read, either unintentionally or due to the anger or idiocy of others........but the thought of going back, even if I could, has not entered my mind over this. At the gathering I interacted with many folks, some of them know of my life and kindly accepted me and some didn't. Most of my current life is out and about with only the rare uncomfortable event. I think that I have read of this being common in Steph's life lately as well.

Sounds very familiar. I have gone full-time, damn the consequences, and most interactions have been just fine. I think the situation with the waitress knocked me back so hard because of the complete unexpectedness of it by that person in that location. The UPS guy, hey whatever, I wasn't doing a good enough job presenting I guess. My neighbor, force of habit. Neither of those situations are unexpected, and wouldn't normally have affected me, if they'd happened on different days. Too much in too short a time.

QuoteSo, what now? I suggest that you pull out your old driver's license and compare pictures and tell me if you notice any differences. Look at yourself, talk with friends, do some retail therapy and feel the joy of being you.....and then please tell me to shut up and quit crying and do the same thing. By the way, how long have you been on hormones and how much of a change has come about with them? Give them and some more socialization and war paint changes time to take effect.

Please forgive me if I am to blunt but I am still crying myself.
Tia Anne

I've said it before: I'm aware of how lucky I am that I'm able to pull this off so soon. Today is only 6 months and 3 days since I started HRT, with only about 4 months on full-dose. I have had no other work done other than some hair removal and a new hairstyle, if that counts. So I understand I have no reasonable expectation of being completely accepted as I know myself to be, regardless of what it says on my drivers license. That I'm able to make it work a large part of the time makes me happy, while it also makes me feel guilty that others aren't having this kind of luck. Yes, I've been lectured on the guilt part, but once again, these are my feelings, and right or wrong, that's what I feel inside. As with everything else, I'm working on it.

As for pulling out the drivers license, I still gaze in wonder at the before and after picture I have. To be honest, that old picture was one of the worst that you could find of me. I generally didn't look that bad, though good luck ever finding a picture of me with a smile that showed teeth. The old "smiles" were more like a grimace. I just love what I'm becoming. And yes, I know I'm still in the pupal stage. Great things are coming.

My recovery from the last bout was, as always, going flying. I suspect some FAA medical examiners would want me to ground myself when I'm feeling as I did yesterday, but carving the air in a sweet machine, with Sue next to me, is so therapeutic. I always feel better after a flight. That, combined with going to lunch, where I was treated well and gendered correctly, was exactly what I needed to pull out of the doldrums.

So now do I have to fly west and give you a Laurie-style slap or two? You have something therapeutic you love to do. Whatever it is, grab Deb and go do it. We'll prop each other up when we start falling over. Your advice to me is excellent, and you should listen to the smart person who dispensed it.

Be well, and Merry Christmas.

Your friend,

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 24, 2017, 10:49:17 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 24, 2017, 10:34:19 AMWhere did she think the stupid was coming from?
LOL!  I love it!   :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 24, 2017, 06:42:22 PM
Mixed bag today, but I'm not down.

The bad: I'd been avoiding walking Maggie to the other end of the neighborhood because my neighbor B, who is really supportive, but terrible with pronouns, has a houseful of family visiting. I have no idea how much they know about me, and last time I told B that I'd been avoiding his place to avoid awkwardness with his family he pooh-poohed the idea, and told me I was always welcome at his house, and nobody was going to give me a hard time. So finally around sunset, and at the extreme insistence of Maggie, I got myself fixed up, and headed off through the neighborhood. I gave myself a pep talk and owned my existence. As we walked by he called for us to join them, and despite introducing me as Steph, and my obvious feminine presentation, the inevitable happened, and he used "he." Yup. Ok. Wrap up the conversation, and gotta get Maggie home. See ya and Merry Christmas.

Oh well. Not gonna get me down today. But we're going to have a talk...

But... There was enough good to offset that crap. Everyone else was doing some flying today, so I rolled the plane out and got ready to go. As I sat at the end of the runway waiting for the oil to warm up, my neighbor D, who was already out flying, and who was one whom I had worried most about accepting me, called me on the radio: "Steph, are you holding there? I'm setting up for a fly-by." Awesome, getting "Stephed" by D on the radio!

But the coolest thing? Sue's sister occasionally sends overly schmaltzy E-cards, and a Christmas e-card came in today. As usual it was far too "darling" and Sue and I rolled our eyes at it. But... it was addressed to Sue and Stephanie.

Oy Gevalt. The schmaltz made me verklempt.  ;D

So, on balance, it was a pretty good day.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 24, 2017, 11:10:13 PM
12:07 US Eastern Time.

Merry Christmas to all my friends around the world. My love to you all.

This is my first Christmas as:

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171225/879484316bde5434aade67c7104d300b.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 25, 2017, 06:38:43 AM
Merry Christmas, Stephanie!  I hope 2018 will be as awesome for you as 2017 was.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 25, 2017, 08:54:28 AM
Steph, very happy for both you and Kathy on this momentous day.  I was never miserable at Christmas but I think this is the first one in a long time where I'm actually happy.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 25, 2017, 01:27:54 PM
Stephanie, a merry first Christmas!  All the best. 

Kendra
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Devlyn on December 25, 2017, 01:45:09 PM
Kendra's Christmas post is # 666! I knew I liked you for a reason!  >:-)

Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 25, 2017, 01:50:56 PM
Ha!   Didn't realize that - wish I could claim the Devlyn made me do it.   :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 25, 2017, 02:29:57 PM
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 25, 2017, 01:45:09 PM
Kendra's Christmas post is # 666! I knew I liked you for a reason!  >:-)

Sure, Kendra's 666 [emoji48], and we've got the Devil Lynn [emoji83]... but now we also have...

MephiStepheles [emoji84]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: tgirlamg on December 25, 2017, 02:32:38 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 25, 2017, 02:29:57 PM
Sure, Kendra's 666 [emoji48], and we've got the Devil Lynn [emoji83]... bit now we also have...

MephiStepheles [emoji84]

Cue: Sympathy for the Devil...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 25, 2017, 05:19:47 PM
Merry first Christmas Steph. You deserve all the happiness you can get.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 27, 2017, 01:06:12 AM
I know you all are in far-flung corners of the globe. I wish you could all be here with me. If anyone by chance can be here, PM me for details.

Your Friend,

Stephanie

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/qerck6uam19ks1g/Invitation_Obscured.jpg?raw=1)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 27, 2017, 04:55:49 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 27, 2017, 01:06:12 AM
I know you all are in far-flung corners of the globe. I wish you could all be here with me. If anyone by chance can be here, PM me for details.

Your Friend,

Stephanie

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/qerck6uam19ks1g/Invitation_Obscured.jpg?raw=1)
I wish I could be there, stupid geography and laws of physics! I'm sure you'll be the belle of the ball! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cindy on December 27, 2017, 05:40:09 AM
You look wonderful and it sounds a like a fantastic party is coming up.

I think it is time for the Susan's Social Pages to be part of the News section!

I was going to post about a misgender issue but I'll make it a separate topic so as not to derail your blog but keep fighting the good fight and enjoy life.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 27, 2017, 06:42:40 AM
I will be there in spirit, Steph.  I am sure it will be an excellent celebration!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 27, 2017, 06:50:33 AM
Stephanie, We'd love to come. Unfortunately, we have family gathering plans as well so will be gathered around our fire pit burning everything that we can find. Enjoy your day/evening, you deserve it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 27, 2017, 06:57:56 AM
Quote from: Faith on December 27, 2017, 06:50:33 AM
Stephanie, We'd love to come. Unfortunately, we have family gathering plans as well so will be gathered around our fire pit burning everything that we can find. Enjoy your day/evening, you deserve it.

Sorry you can't make it! New Years was probably a bad date, but it seemed appropriate...

A fire pit will be figuring large in my celebration. My old self, along with the pronouns He, Him, and His, and maybe Mister, Sir, and Hey Man... are all going into the fire.

-Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 27, 2017, 07:15:29 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 27, 2017, 06:57:56 AM
Sorry you can't make it! New Years was probably a bad date, but it seemed appropriate...

A fire pit will be figuring large in my celebration. My old self, along with the pronouns He, Him, and His, and maybe Mister, Sir, and Hey Man... are all going into the fire.

-Stephanie

oo, there's a plan. I wonder if my wife will let me burn some things rather than donate them .......
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 27, 2017, 07:57:42 AM
Quote from: Faith on December 27, 2017, 07:15:29 AM
oo, there's a plan. I wonder if my wife will let me burn some things rather than donate them .......

Due to the sensitivity of my eyes to bright light, and my self-consciousness about my hairline and growing bald spot, my old trademark was always wearing a baseball cap - to the point where my friends didn't think they were removable. They were shocked on the rare occasions (usually funerals) when there wasn't one glued to my head. With my hair filling in and my new hairstyle, I love going out uncovered when I can. I have a huge collection of old beat-up hats, enough to pass out to everyone so they can pitch them in the fire.

I have a few songs to play, Faith of the Heart (known as the theme from Star Trek Enterprise) and the Moody Blues' New Horizons, and a poem to read (the excerpt from the Walt Whitman poem The Song of the Road that Ashley recently posted), and a few things to comment on, and the rest of the night is just for fun. The reason for the party is two-fold: to present fully feminine to many of them for the first time to emphasize the fact that old whatsHISname no longer exists, and to honor everyone who has been so good to me. I have friends coming from as far away as Indiana and Tennessee.

I have small gifts to give out. For the women I have jewelry with a heart motif. Most will get copies of the "heart skywriting" pin that I bought myself when I first came out, and that I'm rarely seen without.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/h75e2aqh0di8b64/HeartPlaneBrooch.jpg?raw=1)

The only exceptions are for two women who love cats (one of whom calls herself the "Perfectly Sane Cat Lady"), so they get hearts with cats on them, and for my sister, a split heart, one side of which says Little Sister, and other says Big Sister. I'm keeping that half. The last is for my wife, the Dragon Lady. She gets a heart consisting of two dragons with their tails entwined.

For the men... I don't have a clue yet. What do men like?  ??? I'm only partially joking. As much as I appreciated the gesture of small gifts at such events, they were usually useless to me. I either already had it, or had no use for it. I'm actually thinking of taking the low road and just giving hardware store gift cards. Or 1/4 inch drill bits. You can't have enough of those (in the US).

- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 27, 2017, 08:05:54 AM
I never wore hats .. I have a serious mop on my head and hats have to be too big to go on, then they blow off. Or, too tight and hurt my head. My wife can style any head gear, I just look ridiculous :P

love the pins, do non-attendees get one?  ;D

doo-dads for guys ... I have no idea, I never liked them as a 'guy'; as a gal, I want doo-dads
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 27, 2017, 08:13:02 AM
Quote from: Faith on December 27, 2017, 08:05:54 AM
I never wore hats .. I have a serious mop on my head and hats have to be too big to go on, then they blow off. Or, too tight and hurt my head. My wife can style any head gear, I just look ridiculous :P

I wish my mop was serious. It's getting better, but usually it's far too frivolous.

Quotelove the pins, do non-attendees get one?  ;D

Must be present to win!

Quotedoo-dads for guys ... I have no idea, I never liked them as a 'guy'; as a gal, I want doo-dads

Same here. Though nowadays I prefer doo-moms.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 27, 2017, 08:21:22 AM
Quotedoo-dads for guys ... I have no idea, I never liked them as a 'guy'; as a gal, I want doo-dads
QuoteSame here. Though nowadays I prefer doo-moms.

I'll wear doo-dads, the guys don't want them anyways ;D

there you go, give the guys something that they'll just had over to the wives, the wives will get double ...

.
..
...
....
.....
present to win, what a crock ...  ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 27, 2017, 08:24:07 AM
Quote from: Faith on December 27, 2017, 08:21:22 AM
present to win, what a crock ...  ;D

You wanna play, you gotta pay...  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 27, 2017, 02:30:19 PM
Wish I could make it to your party Steph. I would be happy to help you burn some of those baseball hats. I love the skywriting plane pin.

Unless there are some Kiwis here, I will be one of the first to bring in the new year. I will clear a path for you as you make your approach to land in 2018. I'll be there with you in spirit.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 27, 2017, 03:08:29 PM
I'm sure Liz will claim kiwi rights along with you Jayne though she's been in kangaroo land a long time. I'd burn those detestable caps too Stephanie, but alas the fastest I have ever made it across this country of our has bee 3 1/2 days. So you and Sue will have to throw one in for me.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 27, 2017, 03:21:50 PM
Laurie, you misunderstood me, I'm an Aussie through and through. Born and raised in Sydney. I was claiming that I would see the new year first unless a kiwi showed up to make that claim.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 27, 2017, 04:04:06 PM
Okay I stand corrected. But Liz, may still beat you to it. And you Strange folk are far ahead of me. Even Stephanie, Tia and several others will be in a new year before me. But then again It doesn't matter to me. It is just another day with a different number for me. Yes I am a party pooper as always.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 27, 2017, 04:11:11 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 27, 2017, 04:04:06 PM
Okay I stand corrected. But Liz, may still beat you to it. And you Strange folk are far ahead of me. Even Stephanie, Tia and several others will be in a new year before me. But then again It doesn't matter to me. It is just another day with a different number for me. Yes I am a party pooper as always.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Yes, it is just another day with a different number, but we will celebrate that different number as a symbol to moving forward with our lives with new hopes and dreams and leaving the old behind us. You will be in our thoughts Laurie, no amount of party pooping will prevent that. So you may as well join the party. Resistance is futile.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on December 27, 2017, 05:04:11 PM
Quote from: Laurie on December 27, 2017, 03:08:29 PM
I'm sure Liz will claim kiwi rights along with you Jayne though she's been in kangaroo land a long time. I'd burn those detestable caps too Stephanie, but alas the fastest I have ever made it across this country of our has bee 3 1/2 days. So you and Sue will have to throw one in for me.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Ahhhhemm...just clearing my throat....I have only been here in Oz for a short 34 years so I guess I can still claim to be a Kiwi...Kia ora my sisters
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 27, 2017, 05:17:13 PM
Dang Liz I almost had to get out my magnifying glass to read that tiny huge number.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on December 27, 2017, 05:28:18 PM
Told you I hadn't been here long  ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 28, 2017, 11:48:07 PM
Even where I am now, full time, with a new batch of documents every day with a new name on them (today it was my ham radio license, AOPA profile, and bank account) I still run into mental road blocks..

Today I started preparing the Bensinger Compound for the onslaught of visitors who are on the way for my New Life party on Sunday. As part of that, I ended up removing every stitch of boy clothes from my closet and drawers and stashing them in a different room. It was quite a powerful thing and emphasized how far I've come.

Time to rejoice, right?

The plan was to wait until Sue got off work, and get back to the courthouse (the same one where I'd had my name change hearing) to finish my passport paperwork that I'd gotten started on yesterday. But as I cleaned the house I started feeling shaky and nauseous. I don't think, as emotional as purging the clothes was, that that had much to do with it. Probably more to do with trying too hard to shed the 10 lbs. I've gained in the last 6 weeks. But the end result was I ended up back in bed at 4pm and never got to wrap up the passport. Then I woke up too late to get myself fixed up to attend this week's neighborhood potluck dinner. I've been letting misgendering get to me around here lately, and the last thing I wanted was to be seen in "boy mode," with no makeup. I can't afford to give them any male cues that would negate any little progress they've made with name and gender. So I sat home while Sue went without me. It was hard at first, but eventually I relaxed and enjoyed the quiet time, and got a little more work done.

So today was kinda meh...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 29, 2017, 12:19:50 AM
You could have been fashionably late you know?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 01:14:07 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on December 27, 2017, 09:22:46 PM
Steph, that sounded like a great evening. I am all for going stealth with the general public but there is such a rewarding feeling finding a new person to add to you tribe. Time with those folks, tribe members, is just so fun, comfortable and safe. You are really doing well aren't you girl, good on you!

Tia Anne

Yes, Tia, it really is nice to just relax and be known for who you are with no mental effort or defensiveness. To be with someone with whom the inherent assumptions were for "Stephanie" and female pronouns. Being gendered and named correctly with no pause for thought or awkward self-corrections was a novel and most welcome experience. So yeah, I was doing well with her. But...

It's disconcerting that it's with the people closest to me that I have to endure getting misgendered and deadnamed the most. It's due to, of course, all the good history we have together. The unhappy end result is I have to fight the tendency to avoid socializing with those I love the most. It's why I'm trying so hard to help them develop new habits so it doesn't hurt to be with them.

As sad as it seems, sometimes I can see the attraction of cutting all ties and starting over somewhere else with new people who only know you as your new self. I could never do that, of course. I owe all these people so much for the support and encouragement they give me, despite the continual slip-ups. And, yes, I know it's not intentional. It's a fine balance to strike to gently correct them without creating undue embarrassment or eventual resentment.

I was sitting with my next door neighbors and trying to make the point last night. I likened it to a light punch on the arm. One or two can be laughed off. Three or four get your attention. Five or six start getting annoying. Above that starts to really hurt. And eventually you want to punch back to stop it.

So I'll try my little ritual at my party, and continue with the gentle reminders. And when it gets to be too much, I'll take a short break from them. But I'll be back, and eventually they'll finally get it and I'll look back on this awkwardness with wry humor.

Stephanie

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sno on December 29, 2017, 03:37:47 AM
Sorry sweetie, there's SueNZ, and myself at least to see in the pakeha matariki, although IIRC Samoa sees the sun first, since they jumped the date line.

Sweet as!

Rowan
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 29, 2017, 05:22:35 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 01:14:07 AM
It's disconcerting that it's with the people closest to me that I have to endure getting misgendered and deadnamed the most. It's due to, of course, all the good history we have together. The unhappy end result is I have to fight the tendency to avoid socializing with those I love the most. It's why I'm trying so hard to help them develop new habits so it doesn't hurt to be with them.
This may be of little comfort. I'm trying to find a positive angle to this. At least these friends still see you as the same person you have always been. Sure you look different and are clearly much, Much, MUCH happier than before, but you are still the same person. So to them, not a lot has changed and their brains default to the circumstances they first came to know you. I do hope they can sooner rather than later learn how important it is to you to be correctly named and gendered.

Quote
As sad as it seems, sometimes I can see the attraction of cutting all ties and starting over somewhere else with new people who only know you as your new self. I could never do that, of course. I owe all these people so much for the support and encouragement they give me, despite the continual slip-ups. And, yes, I know it's not intentional. It's a fine balance to strike to gently correct them without creating undue embarrassment or eventual resentment.
Would a slightly less gentle approach help highlight how much this means to you, without causing any friction in your friendship.

Quote
So I'll try my little ritual at my party, and continue with the gentle reminders. And when it gets to be too much, I'll take a short break from them. But I'll be back, and eventually they'll finally get it and I'll look back on this awkwardness with wry humor.
It seems as though they need a gentle push to get them to understand. Maybe this ritual will help.

I wish I could attend your party. I'll contact you from the future to let you know how 2018 is.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on December 29, 2017, 07:52:58 AM
Steph, family and close friends will always have the hardest time remembering. They have years of seeing the old you, they will unconsciously get it wrong without meaning to. Most likely they hear it come out their mouth and get mortified as well but don't know how to correct it without making things worse, so say nothing. I've done similar mis-speaks. Saying nothing more is my best out.

Correlate it to growing old with someone, you rarely see the current 'old' face, you always see the same someone that you fell in love with. They see your changes, they know there are changes, in their head they just see you.

Just last night my youngest brother, (lives with my sis-in-law I've talked about. Seems weird right? Not as weird as my younger sister being married to my wife's older brother. ;D) ... back on point, my younger brother got filled in, is aware and his text last night?  "You're still my brother and always will be" I knew his intent, it still made me depressed.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 08:12:07 AM
Quote from: Faith on December 29, 2017, 07:52:58 AMmy younger brother got filled in, is aware and his text last night?  "You're still my brother and always will be" I knew his intent, it still made me depressed.

Oh yeah, I get that! When I came out to one of my neighbors they were completely accepting, but the way they put it was, "You'll always be Steve to us." I didn't know how to take it, but I chose to believe they meant, "You're still the same great person, no matter what you choose to do," instead of, "We ain't never gonna call you nothin' but Steve."

If you have to pick your own interpretation, it's best to pick the friendliest one...

- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 05:09:19 PM
I went back to the county courthouse again to wrap up my passport paperwork. The office that does passports also does marriage licenses, and I got big happy smiles from the couple who were just finishing their paperwork as I got there. Lisa took my picture -  very strange to look at because now they have to take it without glasses - gathered the court order, doctor's "appropriate treatment" letter, and old passport, and I wrote the check, first crossing off that old name and writing in the correct one. And checked one more thing off my list.

On to the post office and then to the store to buy stuff to feed my incoming guests, along with thank you cards for everyone who's treated me so well. I used to hate hate hate grocery shopping. I'd get so angry at people blocking the aisles, moving too slowly, and just being rude. What a difference today. I was nervous about being clocked, but didn't seem to have a problem. And people were so nice. If they were blocking the aisle, I'd just wait a little and they'd realize it, smile apologetically, and move out of the way. I helped the traffic flow by doing the "4-way stop" thing at intersections. Everybody seemed so friendly. You think my smiling at them first helped?

I checked out and headed home. As I turned down my street, the phone rang. It was my very first call from someone asking for Stephanie. A florist letting me know that his delivery guy left a bouquet on my doorstep.

Remember my sister who was so thrilled to finally have a big sister? It was from her and her husband. They can't make it to my party from Michigan , so they sent the flowers. The note reads:

QuoteNew Year... New You! We wish we could be there to celebrate with you.
2018 will be your best year ever!
LOVE YOU!

About 1/2 hour later I was finally able to redo my mascara and eyeliner.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171229/c6571d179b0f11a3fdd0b7baf72c3b67.jpg)

What a day...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 29, 2017, 05:14:15 PM
Another good day indeed [emoji5].

There is nothing more disarming than a nice smile from a beautiful lady,  keep working that magic. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 29, 2017, 05:19:35 PM
Flowers are always a welcome gift for the ladies. Someone told me a lady will always remember her first delivery of flowers.

Congrats  Stephanie

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 29, 2017, 05:29:32 PM
I am glad you had a great day.  Hey, a passport means you can visit the Great White North!  I wish I could be there for your New Year celebration.  I'll be there in spirit.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 05:09:19 PMYou think my smiling at them first helped?
For sure!  I have discovered that smiling is like a secret handshake that gets you into in the women's club.  In the washroom, cutting across a parking lot, wherever, women make eye contact and smile.  You're in the club, Stephanie!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 05:41:25 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 29, 2017, 05:29:32 PM
Hey, a passport means you can visit the Great White North!

I had to put down dates and destination for why I needed the passport. I put down 9/15/2018-10/1/2018, destination Canada. I was thinking of someone in particular when I picked that destination.

No promises. GCS, if it happens at all in 2018, gets first priority. I hope you're not offended...

QuoteI have discovered that smiling is like a secret handshake that gets you into in the women's club.  In the washroom, cutting across a parking lot, wherever, women make eye contact and smile.  You're in the club, Stephanie!

When I finally realized that I was "getting away with it" again, I couldn't NOT smile! This was my first visit to the local Wally World, less than 4 miles from my home, in full Stephanie mode. I didn't know who I might run into. Considering my stress level when I walked in the door, things were quite different when I walked out... :eusa_dance:

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 05:48:45 PM
Oh, forgot to mention that I was feeling brave enough that I decided to stop by a couple of medical offices in FSM (Full Stephanie Mode) - actually, I don't know why I specify that, since that's the only mode I do any more - and walk up to the counter, sing a few lines of Alice's Restaurant... no, that's not right... go up to the counter, tell them that I need to update my records - "you have me listed as you-know-who" - and watch the fun. But dang it, my dentist was closed for the day, and my primary care doctor's office had a fire truck and EMT parked outside with flashers on. Didn't seem like a good time...

But next time I'm out and about, that's on the agenda.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 29, 2017, 05:58:33 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 05:41:25 PM
I had to put down dates and destination for why I needed the passport. I put down 9/15/2018-10/1/2018, destination Canada. I was thinking of someone in particular when I picked that destination.

No promises. GCS, if it happens at all in 2018, gets first priority. I hope you're not offended...
;D

Well, yeah, I guess that takes priority!  Over everything.  For that, I'd take a rain check.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 06:16:14 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 29, 2017, 05:58:33 PM
[emoji1]

Well, yeah, I guess that takes priority!  Over everything.  For that, I'd take a rain check.

Whew! I was afraid I'd have to postpone it. Thank you for your support.

By the way, I was trading thoughts with a friend today about the high culture of Canada as exemplified by Bob and Doug MacKenzie:

QuoteFive golden toques!
Four pounds of back bacon
Three French toasts
Two turtlenecks
And a Beer... in a Treeeeeee!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 06:18:44 PM
I was going through my Name Change Folder O' Paperwork and realized that Lisa at the passport office gave me an extra picture. This is what will be on my passport. It's very strange to me. I don't think I've seen myself in focus without glasses since about 5th grade...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171230/23e6433781dc252f0c3e9f4001d82b30.jpg)


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 29, 2017, 06:24:01 PM
Stephanie, WOW!  Absolutely beautiful - and what a smile. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 29, 2017, 07:12:46 PM
I love the smile.  I didn't think you were allowed to smile for a passport photo.

[edit]  I just checked:
QuoteYou must have a neutral facial expression or a natural smile, with both eyes open.
That's a natural smile if ever I saw one, so you are good to go!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 07:33:56 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 29, 2017, 07:12:46 PM
I love the smile.  I didn't think you were allowed to smile for a passport photo.

[edit]  I just checked: That's a natural smile if ever I saw one, so you are good to go!

It's so cool how natural that smile is nowadays!

I used to hate seeing myself in pictures...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171230/f9ebd1c1df32f45278141ff34cbc6950.jpg)


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on December 29, 2017, 11:26:39 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 06:18:44 PM
I was going through my Name Change Folder O' Paperwork and realized that Lisa at the passport office gave me an extra picture. This is what will be on my passport. It's very strange to me. I don't think I've seen myself in focus without glasses since about 5th grade...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171230/23e6433781dc252f0c3e9f4001d82b30.jpg)


- Stephanie

That's a great photo, I had mine done on Saturday and I look startled...we are not allowed to smile in our passport photos has to be a neutral expression...the first one she took looked great but I had my eyes closed, the second one they are wide open which is why I have that startled look LOL

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on December 30, 2017, 02:01:46 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 06:18:44 PM
I was going through my Name Change Folder O' Paperwork and realized that Lisa at the passport office gave me an extra picture. This is what will be on my passport. It's very strange to me. I don't think I've seen myself in focus without glasses since about 5th grade...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171230/23e6433781dc252f0c3e9f4001d82b30.jpg)


- Stephanie
Dang,  that's a great picture anywhere,  and it's top of the pile for passports! Beautiful. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cindy on December 30, 2017, 02:07:37 AM
What a great day you have had!

I needed a cheer up and that gave it to me. Lovely positive post. Thank you :-*
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 30, 2017, 02:09:34 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 29, 2017, 06:18:44 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171230/23e6433781dc252f0c3e9f4001d82b30.jpg)

Ok Steph, what is going on here? First you show us a driver's licence where you look amazing, now this photo for your passport!!! Hasn't anybody told you that you are not supposed to look so good on official government IDs?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on December 30, 2017, 04:32:51 AM
Steph, I'm really amazed at your passport and driver license pictures.  It seems like sorcery!  I want some of that magic!

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 30, 2017, 04:48:50 AM
Quote from: Bari Jo on December 30, 2017, 04:32:51 AM
Steph, I'm really amazed at your passport and driver license pictures.  It seems like sorcery!  I want some of that magic!

It's actually two spells:

Stephanie waves wand

Risus Magnus!

Beatitudinem Maximus!

You know, I really appreciate all the nice comments on the passport photo, but to me, even with the smile she looks old.

But here's the thing: even to me now, she looks old! I'll accept being an old broad, as long as I'm a broad.

And what the heck are you doing up at this hour, you party animal?

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on December 30, 2017, 06:53:38 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 30, 2017, 04:48:50 AM

And what the heck are you doing up at this hour, you party animal?

Stephanie

nope, hardly, I barely drink.  I do not like slowing my brain down.  I know I'm building a bar, but that's for guests mainly.  I'm up because I'm having a hard time.  Still seeing your pictures made me happy for you.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 30, 2017, 01:22:34 PM
Hi, I have two things to say...

1) Stephanie - You cannot keep talking about yourself in the 3rd person. I don't care if you do not like it but "she" doesn't anything.. Your pronouns are I, me, mine,  not she, her, hers. Those are for others to use. You are Stephanie, own it.

2) Bari Jo - I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. I don't know what it's about but you should be feeling good about yourself. You have had some very good things happen recently. Think and dwell on them rather than your problems. Let me do that. lol  You have people around you and here that you can talk to if need be. We can lend you an ear anytime you need one.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 31, 2017, 12:30:27 AM
Quote from: Laurie on December 30, 2017, 01:22:34 PM
Stephanie - You cannot keep talking about yourself in the 3rd person. I don't care if you do not like it but "she" doesn't anything.. Your pronouns are I, me, mine,  not she, her, hers. Those are for others to use. You are Stephanie, own it.

You're right of course, and if you look through my posts, in almost all of them I refer to myself in the first person. In the last post I deliberately used she instead of I to illustrate the female pronoun. Without the she, the sentence wouldn't have had the same meaning. Call it artistic license. Here it is in the first person:

QuoteYou know, I really appreciate all the nice comments on the passport photo, but to me, even with the smile I look old.

But here's the thing: even to me now, I look old! I'll accept being an old broad, as long as I'm a broad.

Doesn't even make sense.



- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on December 31, 2017, 01:05:44 AM
Oh hush.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 31, 2017, 05:54:50 AM
Quote from: Laurie on December 31, 2017, 01:05:44 AM
Oh hush.

Good answer!

Survey says... "Oh Hush" is the number one answer to Stephanie's ridiculous pedantry!

- Me
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 31, 2017, 06:46:18 AM
As I sit here, enjoying the calm before the storm, I can't think of a better way to use the quiet time than to write you all a note. I may not have another opportunity today.

I have friends here from Indiana and Tennessee, more on their way from all across Florida, and many more coming who are local. These are all people who are dear to me. People who I was sure I was going to lose when I came out. People who, through their unexpected acceptance and encouragement, renewed my faith in humanity.

None of them, though, are more dear to me than you all here on Susan's. You have held my hand when I'm down. Joked with me when I'm up. Given great advice. Slapped me when I deserved it. Allowed me to help you when you needed it. Made me happy.

These all define something more than just friendship. It's the definition of family. And the essence of love.

I want to thank you all by name, but in my current state I know I'd forget someone. I wish you could all be here with me tonight. I crave giving each one of you a hug, but you're all so far away. So I'll have to settle for letting bouncing electrons convey my thoughts:

Happy New Year. I wish for you peace and happiness in 2018. I look forward to more quality time with you, my new extended family.

I love you all.

Your sister,

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on December 31, 2017, 06:55:41 AM
Beautifully said, sister Stephanie!  When your real-life friends hug you, as they will, please accept it as a proxy hug from me.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on December 31, 2017, 07:08:49 AM
My dear friend Stephanie. It has just ticked midnight here in Sydney. Happy new year from the future. 2018 is going to be a good year. I would also like to give you a proxy hug

(((((HUG)))))

That also applies to all my other friends here. I have a proxy hug for each and every one of you.

I will clear the runway for you so that you can make a smooth and safe landing into 2018.

Enjoy your party and I'll see you when you get to this year. The future is looking good.

Your dear friend,

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on December 31, 2017, 07:50:24 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 31, 2017, 07:08:49 AM
My dear friend Stephanie. It has just ticked midnight here in Sydney. Happy new year from the future. 2018 is going to be a good year. I would also like to give you a proxy hug

(((((HUG)))))

That also applies to all my other friends here. I have a proxy hug for each and every one of you.

I will clear the runway for you so that you can make a smooth and safe landing into 2018.

Enjoy your party and I'll see you when you get to this year. The future is looking good.

Your dear friend,

Jayne

Weather CAVU, sister Jayne.

Five eight sierra bravo cleared to land one eight.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 31, 2017, 10:26:44 AM
Roses are red
Violets are blue
A party for Stephanie
We're all there with you!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on December 31, 2017, 06:44:08 PM
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/qjc6zf7wtlz8chu/File%20Dec%2031%2C%207%2015%2006%20PM.jpeg?raw=1)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on December 31, 2017, 07:10:18 PM
Thank you Steph, I cherish you and Everybidy here at Susan's too.  I really want to meet you all in person and have afternoon tea and a hug together

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 01, 2018, 12:45:15 AM
Quote from: Kendra on December 31, 2017, 06:44:08 PM
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/qjc6zf7wtlz8chu/File%20Dec%2031%2C%207%2015%2006%20PM.jpeg?raw=1)

I'm very tired and am going to bed, but I just wanted to post that I've just experienced one of the most incredible evenings of my life.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180101/e534048e470fa4b4a74caf08579a2871.jpg)

More tomorrow when I'm more coherent, but to answer the question, I couldn't say anything at first, other than "Kendra!", as I started crying.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 01, 2018, 06:43:42 AM
OMG, Kendra, that's awesome!  Well done!!

The two of you look great together.  Happy New Year!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on January 01, 2018, 07:37:41 AM
Awsome! Wonderful! Brilliant! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on January 01, 2018, 09:53:27 AM
Wow.  Now, that's a wonderful gift.  Steph, congratulations on a new year and a new start!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 01, 2018, 11:38:28 AM
SURPRISE !

  Good Job Kendra. I know she was super surprised and happy that you could join her. I wanted to say something last night but  had to wait until Stephanie posted about it before I could. Bed time comes early around here these days so it had to wait for this morning.

  Stephanie, Love ya and that Kendra had better have passed on my hug to you. Happy New Yew to you, Sue, and Kendra.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 01, 2018, 01:14:28 PM
Wow! What an awesome surprise. I cried a little myself when I saw this.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 01:22:35 AM
The storm has passed and things are calm again. I finally have some quiet time to catch up with everyone. I have just experienced some of the most incredible days I've lived so far.

My friends from Tennessee - the same ones we visited a month ago, and who gave me the cool selection of clothes - arrived a little after noon on Saturday. My friend from Indiana showed up later in the day. We all went out to dinner at the local Mexican restaurant and basked in the warmth of each other's company. Cool bonus: while I have eaten there for years, it was the first time I'd gone in my real persona, and I was correctly gendered for the entire meal.

Saturday morning I cooked breakfast for everyone. I don't often cook in the morning, but it was simple fare, unlike what some of you prepare. Just maple bacon, scrambled eggs, and cinnamon rolls. While everyone else ate them as usual, I made my favorite breakfast burrito for myself, with eggs, bacon, Italian spices, shredded cheese, and a fine savory dijon tomato-based relish, wrapped in a whole wheat flour tortilla. Coffee from the French press I was given by my dear friend Cassandra for Christmas, plus fine conversation, and we had us a gooood meal.

After breakfast we opened up the hangar and preflighted the plane. It was time to do some flying with my friends. First up was Cassandra. She isn't a pilot, though she is acccomplished with quad-copter drones, and has taken the controls on some other light planes she's been in in the past. I let her take it for a while, and she's pretty dang good at it. After a tour of the area and a high speed low pass down the runway, it was time for the next victim passenger.

Cassie and Me
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/aedo0jo4cmbpedo/CassieFlies.jpg?raw=1)

Next up were my friends from Tennessee. They're both experienced pilots, and G was first. He was as skilled as expected. His wife L is the one I told you about earlier, who builds the most beautiful airplanes you've ever seen. She's kind of my heroine, and it's her hand-me-downs that helped expand my wardrobe. She'd built the same kind of plane that we were flying, so G already knew all the ins and outs. After we landed, L and I went up, and I didn't touch the controls except for the landing. Finally was my friend D from Indiana. We flew ultralights together in the old days, and while he was rusty, he did great.

Time to put the plane away and get some lunch. We all went out to Darrell's, the place I'd gone to and been treated so well at after my name change court hearing. Everyone still recognizes me and they made us all feel welcome. More eating and good conversation.

When we got home it was time to start setting up for the big New Year/New Life bash. When things were ready, I started getting myself set up. My goal for the night was to remove all doubt that the "old me" was in the past, and the "new me" was female and needed to be recognized as such. To that end I picked out the most feminine outfit I had, a beautiful flowered dress with a tiered skirt and a sweetheart neckline. I got cleaned up, and of course, while shaving, sliced my chin wide open. After stanching the bleeding I did the best I could to hide the scar with concealer, and applied all the limited skills I have to my hair and makeup. As the time for the party got closer, I texted my friend Cassie, "I will see my nail person in the boudoir now." The reply was, "Very good, milady." She had brought her basket of nail polishes along, and she did me up nicely with lavender nails which went perfectly with the dress. While she was working, she offhandedly mentioned that I had a special guest coming. Hmmm, ok. We both go to the same clinic, so maybe she invited my therapist or something. That might be fun. But I had other things to think about.

Another touchup on the hair, and it was time for the debut. Our bedroom door opens onto the living room, and on the other side was a crowd of people to brave. I stood there in the dark with my hand on the door handle, trying to stem off a panic attack. After a series of deep breaths, I asked myself who I was. I, of course, am Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger. And everyone out there are my friends. One more breath, a big smile, and I opened the door and stepped into the light... and a round of applause. Wow.

After getting something for my dry mouth and greeting everyone, it was time to eat. The meal was simple and homey, like myself, I guess. Just pulled pork and smoked turkey catered by Sonny's BBQ. I hardly had a chance to eat. I was getting comfortable with my presentation, nobody had anything critical to say, so I wandered around chatting with everyone, and started to really relax. It was getting to be fun, and based on all that chatter, everyone else was having a good time too. I stood back and counted 27 people. All these people here to have a good time, and to allow me to honor them for being so good to me.

Part of the Party
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/f6ge0b7crd1w3vh/partypan.jpg?raw=1)

I went back to the kitchen and got something more to drink, and as I walked back out to the living room a pretty dark-haired lady in a black dress was leaning on the wall in front of me, kind of blocking my path. Huh. I know everyone I invited, but can't think of who this is. Kinda looks a little like Kendra. KENDRA!!! And I just lost it completely. How could it be? I was so completely confused. It wasn't possible, but... what? How? She just stood there with a huge grin. As I sit here reliving it, I'm crying again. Why would someone as cool as Kendra want to come all the way from Seattle just to see me? She had to be in town for some other reason. No, it was specifically for me. She wanted to meet me. In all my life I have never been so surprised not just to see someone so unexpectedly, but to think that someone considered me worth traveling so far to meet. All my life I have suffered from a lack of self-esteem, and I couldn't fathom - I still can't - why I could be worth that. But it made me so happy. What a wonderful gift. We hugged and I cried on her shoulder.

It turned out that a bunch of you ladies have been sneaking around behind my back. I'm not one to believe in conspiracy theories, but this time some paranoia is justified. Apparently Kendra decided she was going to come, but she didn't know exactly where. I had obscured the address on the invitation that I'd posted here. So either Kendra or Laurie (not sure which) contacted Denise, who I'd had lunch with a few weeks ago. Denise didn't know where I was either, but she got hold of my friend Cassie, who'd been with us at lunch, too. She knows where I live. And the trap was set. I'd vow revenge, except I'd rather give you all huge hugs instead. Thank you for making it all possible.

I wanted to talk and talk, but I had a room full of people, and a ceremony I wanted to conduct around the fire. I'd given neighbor B, an avowed pyromaniac, the task of getting the fire going. I managed to herd the cats outside to the fire pit.

After we were all around the fire, I told everyone about how different that gathering was from what I'd expected when I came out to them all in September, and I thanked them for their acceptance and continued friendship. And my wife went around the circle giving each person one of my old baseball caps.

I then asked if anyone knew who Walt Whitman was. "Sure," someone said, "he made great chocolate samplers." Harr dee harr harr. I introduced Whitman's poem, The Song of the Open Road. Ashley had quoted a section of it a few weeks ago, and it was so appropriate that I'd decided right then that I needed to make reciting it part of my ceremony. So off I went:

QuoteFrom this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

And that's where I lost it.

I had arranged with Cassie to second for me if I couldn't make it through. I handed the poem to her, and while she was searching for where I left off, I gathered my wits enough that I thought I could continue. I took it back, and read again:

QuoteI inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

And I couldn't go any further. I was crying too hard to read.

I gave it back to Cassie, and she finished in a strong voice:

QuoteAll seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

In a choked voice I thanked them all, and every one of them applauded.

After I got my act together, I enacted a little ritual. I had printed large copy of both my old and new driver's licenses. I showed them the old one. Recognize this guy? He no longer exists. In the fire with him. I then showed the new one. She is me. It's nice to meet you all again for the first time.

Then, on letter size paper, were a bunch of pronouns. One by one, I showed them the words, "He," "Him," "His," "Mister," "Sir," and "Hey, Man." The last one was a tribute to one neighbor who has always greeted everyone with that every time they see them. Each one of those cards, after giving everyone a few seconds to look and think about them, went into the fire.

Time to wrap up. Remember those baseball caps? I had a reputation for always wearing them, to the point that some people wondered whether they were even removable. I explained that to them, then made it clear that it had been the habit of someone who no longer exists. Into the fire with them!! Everyone gleefully threw them in and watched them burn.

After the Ceremony (I was bullied into holding the hatchet!)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/uebjwiizf53d6rw/aroundthefire.jpg?raw=1)

Final thanks and back inside for pie. One by one goodbyes were said, and hugs were given. Most people headed out, but a core group stayed until midnight where we "clinked" our plastic cups and shared more hugs. A few pictures with Kendra and Cassie, and we cleaned up the kitchen and living room, and headed off to bed. I was still in disbelief over how well things had gone and what Kendra had done, and I ended up crying happy tears until I drifted off to sleep.

Kendra, Me, and Cassandra
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/7c5i8f8r3ciuogi/wethree.jpg?raw=1)

Next morning G and L packed up and headed back to Tennessee, and the rest, consisting of my Mom and her hubby, Cassie, D, and Sue and I, headed out to breakfast at an overcrowded and understaffed Darrell's. We didn't get back home until almost noon. Kendra had stayed at a hotel about 15 miles away, and came back about 2:30. We had some more BBQ for lunch, and talked and talked. In particular, Cassie and Kendra and I talked about how our transitions were going and our plans for the next year. My mom hung around and listened in, and I was worried that some of the conversation might be a little graphic for her. I was surprised to find out later that she was very interested and glad to understand what we were going through and what the future held.

About 5pm Mom and hubby headed out, and after some more relaxed conversation, first Cassie, and then Kendra had to go. It was sad to see them leave, but I'll be seeing Cassie for lunch on Wednesday after my next laser session. Kendra and I traded multiple hugs and smiles, and promises that we'd see each other again, and off she went. I can't help but worry about the aggressive surgery schedule she's set up for herself this year, but I have never met a stronger or more determined woman in my entire life. If anyone can do it, she can. I am so proud to know her, and I cried some more tears after she left.

D is spending one more night here, and he will be off in the morning. Here I sit now, reliving these last few outstanding days with you all, and frequently experiencing extreme ocular leakage as I think about the wonderful people in my life and how afraid I'd been of losing all of it when I started this journey. I know I still have a long way to go, but I have established my identity in my head, and hopefully in many others' as well. And I have a new self-confidence that I trust will see me through the inevitable occasional hard times to come.

Thank you Laurie, Denise, Cassie, and especially Kendra, for making this one of the most special moments of my life. I love you all so much.

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
And gently, but with undeniable will, I divest myself of the holds that would hold me.


Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: tgirlamg on January 02, 2018, 01:40:07 AM
😀💗🙏🌸🎉🎉🎉 Love Ya Stephanie!!!🎉🎉🌸🙏💗😀

Onward we go brave sister!!!

A😀
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cindy on January 02, 2018, 02:01:39 AM
That was awesome!!!

Stephanie you are a very lucky lady and Kendra you are the sneakiest woman on the Forum. Well done!!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 02, 2018, 03:52:05 AM
What an awesome few days you had.

Kendra, that was such a cool surprise you pulled off. Nicely done to you and your co-conspirators.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 02, 2018, 04:18:38 AM
We are all in this together - every one of us here on Susan's.  By sharing our fears, goals and accomplishments we help each other move forward and experience the best possible future. 

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/l0clmxmdxg8fdo6/2017-12-31%2020.57.51.jpg?raw=1)
Pronouns roasting on an open fire
Baseball hats burning into the past
As Stephanie shows more than in dreams,
We can fly


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fhttps%3A%2Fdropbox.com%2Fs%2Fkb13aza54p4swvb%2FFile%2520Jan%252002%252C%25205%252016%252011%2520AM.jpeg%3Fraw%3D1&hash=ff40d368d3f1be675011004bf104a538ebfaac11)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 02, 2018, 06:26:49 AM
Now I have some serious ocular leakage!  What an awesome story.  Kendra, you are one sneaky lady!  I feel privileged to be able to read about this amazing experience.

Stephanie, you look adorable!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 02, 2018, 06:42:05 AM
Stephanie!! I am glad for you that things went so well at your party. And the surprises .. great surprises. I loved reading about it. I'll likely always regret not being a part of it. I meant to burn a cap in our fire New Years Eve for you .. I forgot.

I'm out of here before I drag your thread down with my gray cloud.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 02, 2018, 07:56:41 AM
What a wonderful meeting.  You are absolutely worth going to these great lengths for too.  When you got to to meeting Kendra, then the poem, then the burning of the pronouns, I cried each time.  You are an amazing woman Steph.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 02, 2018, 10:19:23 AM
Stephanie, I've a feeling we're not over Kansas anymore.   ;)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/vbq30ny8hz9lm7f/File%20Jan%2002%2C%209%2010%2009%20AM.jpeg?raw=1)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 10:30:30 AM
Quote from: Kendra on January 02, 2018, 10:19:23 AM
Stephanie, I've a feeling we're not over Kansas anymore.   [emoji6]

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/vbq30ny8hz9lm7f/File%20Jan%2002%2C%209%2010%2009%20AM.jpeg?raw=1)

I wonder if anybody'd think I'd flipped
If I
Went to SeaTac
Via Omaha


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 02, 2018, 10:58:30 AM
Uneasy Rider by the Charlie Daniels Band.  I had to look it up.   ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: bethanyz on January 02, 2018, 11:27:44 AM
Stephanie...thank you for sharing your experience.  i am so happy for you!!  Kendra, you simply amaze me!!  Such a sneaky girl!! 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Saha on January 02, 2018, 11:29:39 AM
What a beautiful happening!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 02, 2018, 04:05:22 PM
 Dang you Stephanie,

  I knew I shouldn't have read your account right after putting my face on. I think I need to buy some waterproof mascara since I'm out anyway. well Peggy is on her way over to go shopping at VS so I better go redo my face.

Hugs,
   Laurie

  Yes I knew.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 09:43:16 PM
Quote from: bethanyz on January 02, 2018, 11:27:44 AM
Stephanie...thank you for sharing your experience.  i am so happy for you!!  Kendra, you simply amaze me!!  Such a sneaky girl!!

Hi Beth and Saha!! It's cool to meet you, and welcome to Susan's Place. Yes, you'd better take good care of your girl Kendra. She is one of a kind, and has a permanent place in my heart now. I admired her before as we became friends and bantered back and forth, but her latest shenanigan was so far outside my experience that there's now a solid connection forever. You'd best appreciate what you've got, or take a look at our picture around the fire, and note the weapon I'm holding...  ;D

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 09:47:32 PM
Quote from: Laurie on January 02, 2018, 04:05:22 PM
Dang you Stephanie,

  I knew I shouldn't have read your account right after putting my face on. I think I need to buy some waterproof mascara since I'm out anyway. well Peggy is on her way over to go shopping at VS so I better go redo my face.

Hugs,
   Laurie

  Yes I knew.

Ms. Laurie,

I've been reapplying eyeliner and mascara so often lately that I've bought stock in both Kleenex and Maybelline. You should appreciate the fact that I'm willing to share. I figured it was only fair to spread the "joy."

Tammy Faye Bakker, move over...

Oh, and as for knowing... now I understand why you were smiling so big in your picture with Kendra, you wily vixen you. You may also wish to note what I'm holding in our fireside picture.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 02, 2018, 09:58:41 PM
Hummmmm, you have me curiouser and curiouser on what you are holding? 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 02, 2018, 10:19:56 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 09:47:32 PM

Oh, and as for knowing... now I understand why you were smiling so big in your picture with Kendra, you wily vixen you. You may also wish to note what I'm holding in our fireside picture.

Stephanie

  And still you axe me to come visit?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 02, 2018, 10:21:40 PM
Thank you Laurie,

It appears that someone is a big fan of Lizzie Borden  :angel:
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 02, 2018, 10:29:06 PM
Yes Cali you'll get to know Stephanie soon enough. She doesn't scare me. I'm not as strong as I used to be but if she get too uppity I think I could set her on top of the refrigerator where she can't get down by herself. She's just an itty bitty thing you know?

Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 02, 2018, 10:32:39 PM
I heard axes add like 10 feet to some people :) 

I'd better get some of those jet skates or those things kids ride on that may you go swish..................
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 10:45:02 PM
Quote from: Kendra on December 31, 2017, 10:26:44 AM
Roses are red
Violets are blue
A party for Stephanie
We're all there with you!

Well, this has taken on a new meaning...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 10:47:52 PM
Quote from: Laurie on January 02, 2018, 10:29:06 PM
Yes Cali you'll get to know Stephanie soon enough. She doesn't scare me. I'm not as strong as I used to be but if she get too uppity I think I could set her on top of the refrigerator where she can't get down by herself. She's just an itty bitty thing you know?

Ruh Roh. It looks like someone is doing a hatchet job on me.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 10:54:45 PM
Quote from: Cali on January 02, 2018, 10:32:39 PM
I heard axes add like 10 feet to some people [emoji4] 

I'd better get some of those jet skates or those things kids ride on that may you go swish..................

Hi Cali, and welcome to this strange little corner of Susan's. This is my personal thread, so don't mind the dust and clutter. Friends are not allowed in here - only family - despite the disrespect they show me. I give as good as I get, and I've managed to stay off the refrigerator so far.

A bit of advice: take great care around that Laurie lady. She lures you into Susan's with her loving kindness when you are scared of your own shadow, takes you by the hand and pulls you out of your shell, and watches with pride as you grow and mature into a new being, then springs her trap. You then spend the rest of your life atop a food preservation device.

Don't think your ticker hasn't escaped my notice. Happy Rebirthday!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 02, 2018, 10:57:55 PM
Hi Steph and first "SCOOBY DOO".

Secondly, thank you for the Happy Re-Birthday, I'm really excited and it should go to zero tomorrow.  Can't wait to glammer about my newest soon :)

Cali
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 02, 2018, 11:01:50 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 10:54:45 PM
Don't think your ticker hasn't escaped my notice. Happy Rebirthday!

Stephanie

This reminds me of my favorite Alice In Wonderland quote.

"Today is my unbirthday too!"

For some reason I think of this probably 10 times a week.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 02, 2018, 11:04:55 PM
:)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 02, 2018, 11:48:50 PM
Laurie, why do you want to put Steph on top of the fridge? Don't you know it isn't nice to bully the little ones?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 11:50:16 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 02, 2018, 11:48:50 PM
Don't you know it isn't nice to bully the little ones?

Hey! I resemble that remark!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 02, 2018, 11:54:49 PM
While you're on the fridge, Steph, are there any treats hidden up there left over from Halloween?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 03, 2018, 12:05:43 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 02, 2018, 11:54:49 PM
While you're on the fridge, Steph, are there any treats hidden up there left over from Halloween?

Hmm. Let's see. Lots of dust jackrabbits, a layer of grease... ooo, what's this? No, that's not candy. Bleh.

Hey, nice view from up here.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 03, 2018, 08:11:32 AM
Wiggle so you can get rid of the dust.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 03, 2018, 03:38:52 PM
If you ever get a chance to see a band called Free Beer (full name Free Beer at Exit 80) don't think twice. Just go. The band and the songs are pretty good by themselves, but the violin player is completely kick-ass (in more ways than one) and just makes the band.

If you see them now at the Brick in Roslyn, WA, you'll have bragging rights when they go on national tour.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on January 03, 2018, 03:58:58 PM
Just seen this (not been on as you may have seen been poorly) and reading through my cheeks are moist. I can believe it of Kendra bless her , Hugs of happiness of the digital kind XXXXX
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: bethanyz on January 03, 2018, 11:29:03 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 02, 2018, 09:43:16 PM
Hi Beth and Saha!! It's cool to meet you, and welcome to Susan's Place. Yes, you'd better take good care of your girl Kendra. She is one of a kind, and has a permanent place in my heart now. I admired her before as we became friends and bantered back and forth, but her latest shenanigan was so far outside my experience that there's now a solid connection forever. You'd best appreciate what you've got, or take a look at our picture around the fire, and note the weapon I'm holding...  ;D

Stephanie

The pleasure is mine Stephanie.  Congratulations to you!!  Such a big event, i'm so glad that Kendra was able to pull off such a sweet shenanigan!! 

Yes, Kendra is, without a doubt, truly amazing!!  We are very blessed and work hard to show it!! She has a permanent place in our hearts as well.  You can be sure that we will take great care of her (well, as much as her stubborn will let us!!)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on January 04, 2018, 12:04:19 AM
Had to go back three pages to find out how it all turned out and what an amazing night you had. Wow what a surprise...you must feel wonderful to have all that love and support. Fantastic you deserve  the happiness and I am sure things are just going to keep getting better for you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 07, 2018, 11:46:55 AM
Quote from: Kendra on January 02, 2018, 04:18:38 AM
We are all in this together - every one of us here on Susan's.  By sharing our fears, goals and accomplishments we help each other move forward and experience the best possible future. 

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/l0clmxmdxg8fdo6/2017-12-31%2020.57.51.jpg?raw=1)
Pronouns roasting on an open fire
Baseball hats burning into the past
As Stephanie shows more than in dreams,
We can fly


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fhttps%3A%2Fdropbox.com%2Fs%2Fkb13aza54p4swvb%2FFile%2520Jan%252002%252C%25205%252016%252011%2520AM.jpeg%3Fraw%3D1&hash=ff40d368d3f1be675011004bf104a538ebfaac11)

The URL for that last graphic has an extra "http://" in it. Here's the image she intended to show:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/pyoqgl2ajv60ok4/GiftPin.jpg?raw=1)

It's the pin I gave all the women who have been so good to me. I had bought myself one when I first came out, and I couldn't think of a better way to honor them.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 09:51:56 PM
It's been a quiet week here in Lake Stephbegone.

Heh.

The paper chase continues as one by one I check off groups, organizations, and businesses that are still trying to call me that old name. So far I've got the drivers license and SSC done, passport is being processed, two credit cards are being taken care of, bank accounts know who I am, and I finished up with the auto insurance company today and have insurance cards with Stephanie on them. I contacted the county office where we got married to find out what we need to do to change the marriage certificate, but apparently there's no changing it. Instead we need to keep a copy of the court order with it to present if someone needs to see it. OK, saves us a trip to the county office.

Then there's a whole ton of businesses. As I get emails from them, I jump right into their website and change the name and gender if they track it.

I had a fun thing happen with an electronics components supplier. I went into their website and changed my name and email address, and got an email back:

QuoteI have received your request to modify a Customer record. This Customer number belongs to someone else, and for security reasons, it is unavailable for modification by you.

Is Steve Bensinger still with the company?

Bwah hahaha! Reply:

QuoteYes, in a manner of speaking, Steve Bensinger is still with the company. As part of larger changes in my life, I have petitioned the court and had a legal name change from Steve (Stephen) to Stephanie.

And that was it. I got a response that the name was changed, a "Best Regards" and on we go.

I have much more to write about, but I'll split it up into separate posts so that someone who will go unnamed, but whose initials are Laurie, won't withhold my wine and chocolates up here on the fridge.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 09, 2018, 09:55:41 PM
You have chocolates up there? What's up with that? Is there room on the fridge for one more? Chocolate is our friend mmmmmmmmm.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 09:58:15 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 09, 2018, 09:55:41 PM
You have chocolates up there? What's up with that? Is there room on the fridge for one more? Chocolate is our friend mmmmmmmmm.

Hey, get your own fridge. I've got a nice little nest up here full of wine, coffee, chocolate, and #stormchips. All I need is pizza and I've got all the major food groups covered.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 09, 2018, 10:09:05 PM
Okay you lady, skoot yourself over closer. Okay hold on..you've been up there long enough and getting too comfortable.... beside Sue threatened to slap me up the side of the head if I didn't take you down....down ya go. btw got any chocolates?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 10:18:29 PM
Quote from: Laurie on January 09, 2018, 10:09:05 PM
Okay you lady, skoot yourself over closer. Okay hold on..you've been up there long enough and getting too comfortable.... beside Sue threatened to slap me up the side of the head if I didn't take you down....down ya go. btw got any chocolates?

Waaaaa!!! Everything is up on top of the fridge and I can't reach them!

I'd complain some more, but wait a minute. I gotta go pee.

Stephanie

PS: Yeah. Uh huh. You don't wanna be messin' with the Dragon Lady. If those claws come out you don't want to be within striking distance. Don't ask how I know.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 09, 2018, 10:18:45 PM
Oh, there was more to your post. You distracted me with chocolate.

It's good to see progress being made with the name change. You must also be happy with the electronics supplier trying to protect your account when they thought you were not you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 10:29:21 PM
Well, I had promised myself that after the holidays were cleared out, it was time to pursue GCS. With Sue's help we dug into the insurance company search engine and tried to find what they call GRS surgeons. Well... it's not a search term they allow. You've got to choose from prepopulated pulldown lists, and it isn't a choice. "Gender" isn't an allowed choice, either. You have to know who you're looking for and where they are, then do a search by area and name. Luckily I've been collecting names for the last six months.

The ones I found that were in-network were: Bowers, Gallagher, Kuzon, Oates, Schechter, Bluebond-Langner, Rumer, and Ting.

Bowers would be wonderful. But there's no way I can wait four years. I need to wrap it up this year in case we lose insurance coverage next year. Kuzon in Ann Arbor is interesting because it's close to my home town, and I could recover at the Mother ship. But I've never heard of him or his work. Bluebond-Langner has a good reputation, and Gallagher seems to be up and coming. I don't remember much about Schechter in Chicago. I haven't heard of Oates in Boston, and I've been steered away from Rumer.

But when I saw the last one, my mind went "ting!" Where did I hear that before? Ah, Mt. Sinai in New York. And he's been doing the peritoneal method. Verrry interesting. I went to his website, and got to thinking, how can you go wrong at Mt Sinai? And he was trained by Marci Bowers. And... that dang peritoneal method keeps grabbing my attention. So I went to the page to request an appointment, filled in the form... and stared at the submit button. And stared. And finally went to bed.

The next morning there it was still, glaring at me like a big green eye. I stared. And I poked it in the eye. Off those electrons ran, all the way to New York. The next morning a reply came with general descriptions of how they work the process and what paperwork I needed to provide. On the first visit you meet with medical, social work (whatever that is) and mental health providers, in what are apparently three different interviews. The next visit would be with the surgeon. Those four consultations could all be handled in one trip, and theoretically they can set a date after the interview with the surgeon. The next trip then, would be for the surgery itself.

They requested a copy of my driver's license and insurance card, plus my address and phone number, which I provided. And that's where we stand at the moment. I don't know yet if this is the right way to go, but it looks like I'll be traveling to NYC soon.

And to be honest, that scares me a lot more than the GCS. I'm extremely uncomfortable in big cities, and they don't come much bigger. I've never been there, and am completely clueless on how things like subways and taxis and, well, anything works there. But I've broken down lots and lots of barriers to get where I am now. I can get through that, too. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 09, 2018, 10:43:26 PM
Oh how exciting! GCS is on its way to becoming a reality for you. That is way, way, waaaaaay down the line for me, if it will happen at all. I love NYC. Been there 4 or 5 times. We usually use it as a stopover for a few days on the way to or from Nova Scotia when visiting my wife's family. I prefer the countryside to cities, but as far as cities go, NYC is pretty cool. You will be fine. The subway is really easy to use, and there are more taxis than any other vehicle. Did I mention how exciting this is?

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 10:45:53 PM
I've got to keep writing or Cassie's going to surpass me, dangit. So here's another story:

When I first started hanging out here, I became fascinated with a journey being undertaken by a very cool lady who goes by Michelle_P. She had lost a lot by coming out, but was so strong and focused that nothing was stopping her forward momentum. What struck me as much as anything was how, even after coming out, she was asked to remain as president of her radio club. I was simply awestruck that she was so well-regarded and had such strength of character that she could weather even coming out to a bunch of male ham radio dudes, and be asked to stay in charge. I knew that this was something that I would never ever experience. I was simply too weak, and everyone around me would be too unaccepting, for something like that to ever become a reality for me.

Tonight I, Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, ran the meeting as newly reelected President of our Experimental Aircraft Association chapter.

All I could think about was Michelle, and what an inspiration she's been, and all the walls I've knocked down, climbed, or gone around to get where I am today. I kept it together until I got home, then broke down in happy tears on Sue's shoulder. I tried to explain it, but I don't think she understands.

I think all of you do.

Stephanie Bensinger
President, EAA Chapter 1489
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 09, 2018, 11:08:52 PM
Absolutely.  Congratulations!!! 

What an incredible way to land a series of accomplishments. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 09, 2018, 11:09:01 PM
Way to go Steph! I never doubted you. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are also surrounded by a pretty cool bunch of friends.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 11:11:39 PM
OK, one last story, and I can go to bed satisfied I've fulfilled my daily quota of keystrokes.

This is a slightly modified version of something I'd posted as a reply to a similar story on Cassie's Facebook page:

On the day I came out to my primary care doctor I was sitting in the waiting room with the usual variety of people. Old folks, young folks, moms with kids. Nobody in the office knew I had begun transitioning yet, and I was dressed at best androgynously.

Kids and I had always actively ignored or avoided each other - apparently enough negative vibes were present to repel us from each other. Yet for some reason, this time a little girl, maybe 4 years old, plunked herself down next to me with a wooden puzzle, and started handing me pieces with the invitation to insert them in the correct slots. So we played a game where I would put them in the wrong place and look puzzled, and she'd correct me. And this went on for almost an hour. I was a bit bemused that I was actually having fun with this. At one point her mom told me to let her know if her daughter was bothering me, and I was surprised that, no, she wasn't. I was actually enjoying myself. The little girl bored of it long before I did, and wandered off.

Fast forward about 5 months. So many changes in that time, including moving on to my authentic self full-time, and on a road trip with no boy clothes in the luggage. I had completely let go of the fake persona I'd draped myself with for fifty years, and was experiencing joy I'd never known. But kids were still a mystery to me. We ended up at a friend's house where there was a little boy, probably seven or eight years old. And he just couldn't get enough of me. Crawling up in my lap, giving me hugs, sharing his favorite toys, chattering away. What happened to the repellant force I used to emanate? I actually realized the kid was cute, even though he could have used a bath.

I don't know where it's coming from. Changes in body chemistry or thought patterns? A shedding of the heavy cloak of inauthenticity? Whatever it is, I'm finding that this journey is doing more than just revealing someone who'd been crouching behind a facade - it's inducing unexpected - and welcome - changes. And I'm liking who I'm becoming.

Stephanie

Addendum: When I got all the attention I had dressed for dinner in a western top and wool skirt, and my "Indiana Jones" hat. You may have seen the picture from my extensive coverage of our road trip a month ago, but here it is again.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/smhsf879clts6zo/westernstyle.jpg?raw=1)

I've read over and over that kids have a sixth sense about gender. You hear stories of them catching you out in stores, "Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?" or straight out, "You're a boy!" But there was nothing like this with that kid. There seemed to be no question that he liked that lady who was visiting. How strange...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 09, 2018, 11:15:03 PM
 Dang I guess it was good that I took you off the refrigerator today, wasn't it? And there goes another of my friends zooming on by on her way to GCS. Congrats on continuing on your journey Stephanie. I'm with Jayne on this but I'll skip over the waaaayyy far away and jump into that if ever bin. I am glad for you though Stephanie. I can't wait to hear the date.
  I will agree with you on that Michelle character. There is a lot there in her to admire. She just keep moving forward like a bulldozer. You can't stop the woman.
  And congrats again to you Ms Club President!

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 09, 2018, 11:24:26 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 11:11:39 PM
Whatever it is, I'm finding that this journey is doing more than just revealing someone who'd been crouching behind a facade - it's inducing unexpected - and welcome - changes. And I'm liking who I'm becoming.

These words I can relate to 100%. I never in my life expected to really like myself, but I am liking the person I am lately. We all live such different lives, scattered all over the world, and here we are, brought together, each on our own journeys of self discovery and becoming our authentic selves. Life is pretty awesome! What a privilege it is to share these experiences with such great friends.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 11:35:31 PM
Quote from: Laurie on January 09, 2018, 11:15:03 PM
Dang I guess it was good that I took you off the refrigerator today, wasn't it? And there goes another of my friends zooming on by on her way to GCS. Congrats on continuing on your journey Stephanie. I'm with Jayne on this but I'll skip over the waaaayyy far away and jump into that if ever bin. I am glad for you though Stephanie. I can't wait to hear the date.
  I will agree with you on that Michelle character. There is a lot there in her to admire. She just keep moving forward like a bulldozer. You can't stop the woman.
  And congrats again to you Ms Club President!

Thanks Laurie,

I was afraid I was going to have to get the fridge moved to the restaurant so I could run the meeting. As for the GCS, obviously it's extremely early in the process. There's no guarantee that we're going to like each other. And depending on things like hair removal, which I haven't even started "down there" it could end up being very late in the year.

We're all in our own bins. Right now I'm in the "Push slowly through the molasses" bin. Your "if ever" bin is close by. We're all taking our own personalized circuitous routes, but I think we'll all end up in the same place eventually.

Madam President
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 11:56:15 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 09, 2018, 11:09:01 PM
Way to go Steph! I never doubted you. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are also surrounded by a pretty cool bunch of friends.

Well, I may have mentioned this before, but I think one of the reasons I still have the job is because nobody else wants it. On the other hand, if they really didn't like where I was going, they would have found somebody to take over.

And yes, you're right. They are a pretty wonderful group of friends. They're the same people I honored at my New Years party, and they all deserve my unending thanks.

Stephanie.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 12:20:08 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 09, 2018, 10:43:26 PM
Oh how exciting! GCS is on its way to becoming a reality for you. That is way, way, waaaaaay down the line for me, if it will happen at all. I love NYC. Been there 4 or 5 times. We usually use it as a stopover for a few days on the way to or from Nova Scotia when visiting my wife's family. I prefer the countryside to cities, but as far as cities go, NYC is pretty cool. You will be fine. The subway is really easy to use, and there are more taxis than any other vehicle. Did I mention how exciting this is?

Jayne, I wish you could be there to act as tour guide for me. I'm sure it's probably blown out of proportion, but all you hear about is the crime. And paying someone else to drive a car? How strange. And it sounds expensive, too. Sigh.

I also wish you could get excited for me...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 12:27:12 AM
Quote from: Kendra on January 09, 2018, 11:08:52 PM
Absolutely.  Congratulations!!! 

What an incredible way to land a series of accomplishments.

Thanks Kendra. You know you were also an inspiration to me, right?

I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes your way on the 18th. I'll never catch up to you, but I'll follow along in your wake. All my best.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on January 10, 2018, 01:19:24 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 10:45:53 PM
Tonight I, Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, ran the meeting as newly reelected President of our Experimental Aircraft Association chapter.

...

Stephanie Bensinger
President, EAA Chapter 1489

Congratulations!  I think this is wonderful, and Stephanie, you are stronger than you thought.  People value you for who you are, not how you look, and that is a testament to YOU.

Now, go take NYC by storm and get that date.  ;)


I think each of us has to find our own path, whether it is a leisurely stroll or an insane plunge into the unknown.  Much of the journey is itself the reward, as we reveal parts of our own character we didn't know existed, and learn about ourselves at each fork in the path we come to. 

I know I've learned quite a bit about myself on this journey.  It sounds like you are making some interesting self-discoveries as well.

Congratulations!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 10, 2018, 04:09:14 AM
I'm very impressed about the kids.  I'd like to have an experience like you did.  I wouldn't say kids and I actively avoid each other, but we aren't trying to be friends.  Dogs have always got me though.  I'd like to have kids are me, like dogs do, that would be heart warming for sure.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 10, 2018, 06:16:40 AM
wow, so much went on since I disappeared last night. All I can say is AWESOME. Don't let the big city scare you, just drive like a maniac and you'll be fine. btw, I hate them as well, I prefer the backwoods where homes are 5 mi apart - minimum.

ps. I have chocolate ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 10, 2018, 06:41:21 AM
I am glad that you are setting the wheels in motion for your GRS.  A bit step forward - congratulations!  We are at similar stages in our journeys: I just got my first surgery referral letter this week.

I am relieved that you are down off that fridge.  Too dusty up there!  Nobody likes dust in their wine, and dusty chocolate?  Eww, that's just wrong!

I am not surprised that you got re-elected as your club president.  People recognize ability.

That's interesting about kids.  I, too, am finding that I am more tolerant of kids.  I was in a waiting room yesterday, waiting to pick up my wife, and there was a little kid in the row in front of me in a car seat/carrier.  His mom picked him up and balanced him standing on her lap.  I spent an enjoyable five minutes playing peekaboo with him.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I like them, but they seem a lot less annoying now.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 12:46:12 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 12:20:08 AM
Jayne, I wish you could be there to act as tour guide for me. I'm sure it's probably blown out of proportion, but all you hear about is the crime. And paying someone else to drive a car? How strange. And it sounds expensive, too. Sigh.
Every  time I've been to NYC, I felt safe. You just need to keep your wits about you from some people who try to swindle money out of you for some kind of cause. Some of those people may be genuine, others are just after your cash. It no different to any other big city. As far as being expensive, yeah there is no avoiding that. Be prepared to spend more than you think. The further in advance to cam book accomodation, usually the cheaper it is.

Quote
I also wish you could get excited for me...
What do you mean by this. I am very excited for you. Did you not get that from my last post.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 12:49:26 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 12:46:12 PM
What do you mean by this. I am very excited for you. Did you not get that from my last post.

I was joking. I joke a lot.  8)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 10, 2018, 12:54:42 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 12:49:26 PM
I was joking. I joke a lot.  8)

Stephanie

I'd do my humor/difficult concept quote again, but no one gets it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 12:56:41 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on January 10, 2018, 04:09:14 AM
I'm very impressed about the kids.  I'd like to have an experience like you did.  I wouldn't say kids and I actively avoid each other, but we aren't trying to be friends.  Dogs have always got me though.  I'd like to have kids are me, like dogs do, that would be heart warming for sure.

Like Kathy, I'm not sure I'll ever actually like kids. In truth, they scare me a bit. I don't understand them, and I'm particularly afraid of the current way that parents can read evil motives into the most innocent things. Not without reason, I guess, but the wrong word or a touch can have the police taking you away if someone overreacts. It's why I choose to keep my distance.

Now dogs I understand, and they understand me, just as they do you. I'll take the company of a good dog over that of many humans!

Stephanie

PS: How's your buddy doing?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 12:57:43 PM
Quote from: Faith on January 10, 2018, 12:54:42 PM
I'd do my humor/difficult concept quote again, but no one gets it.

Ummm... What do you mean?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on January 10, 2018, 01:06:19 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 10:45:53 PM
I've got to keep writing or Cassie's going to surpass me, dangit.

Seriously, Steph? Really? I'm reading this on Page 40 of your personal thread, fer cryin' out loud!  ;D

I think I have a ways to go before even coming close to the magnitude of posting you have done.

Hugs!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 10, 2018, 01:10:25 PM
  It is interesting what I read here about young kids. For myself I have always enjoyed interacting with them. The toddlers and I have almost always gotten along. Usually started by me winking or making faces at them or some such silly nonsense. When I was out about about wearing my cowboy hat I drew their attention without having to do anything. What they told their moms and pointed at me i'd smile and wink back at them.
  The best of times of course were with my own kids when they were little and with my grand kids sitting on my lap or cuddled under my arm while I read to them. Or helped them (with silly antics) to get dressed or put their shoes on. Or even by them wanting Papa to change their diapers. Now these memories just bring tears.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 01:12:42 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on January 10, 2018, 01:06:19 PM
Seriously, Steph? Really? I'm reading this on Page 40 of your personal thread, fer cryin' out loud!  ;D

I think I have a ways to go before even coming close to the magnitude of posting you have done.

Hugs!

Oh, I'm rarely serious, as you well know. Besides I was thinking in terms of KsPD* and since you're just copying and pasting, a ctrl-c, ctrl-v doesn't use many.

Stephanie

*Keystrokes Per Day
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 10, 2018, 01:13:59 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on January 10, 2018, 01:06:19 PM
Seriously, Steph? Really? I'm reading this on Page 40 of your personal thread, fer cryin' out loud!  ;D

I think I have a ways to go before even coming close to the magnitude of posting you have done.

Hugs!

   She does have a tendency to run on and on doesn't she Cassie? But we do tolerate it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 10, 2018, 01:17:33 PM
Quote from: Faith on January 10, 2018, 12:54:42 PM
I'd do my humor/difficult concept quote again, but no one gets it.
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 12:57:43 PM
Ummm... What do you mean?
>:(
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on January 10, 2018, 01:19:12 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 01:12:42 PM
Oh, I'm rarely serious, as you well know. Besides I was thinking in terms of KsPD* and since you're just copying and pasting, a ctrl-c, ctrl-v doesn't use many.

Pffft! You're just jealous of my level of efficiency! I have to be as efficient as possible on account of my being a very busy woman! I have a full-time job, a very long commute, a house to myself, 6-8 cats to take care of, and friends to keep in touch with, one of whom seems to spend most of her time in residence atop major appliances for some reason! :P
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 01:19:48 PM
Quote from: Laurie on January 10, 2018, 01:10:25 PM
It is interesting what I read her about young kids.

When my sister had her first kid, she called him C5SR2: Carpet Crawling Curtain Climbing Crumb Stealing Rug Rat. He turned out pretty well for all that.

Yep, silliness runs in the family.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 10, 2018, 01:22:22 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 12:56:41 PM

Now dogs I understand, and they understand me, just as they do you. I'll take the company of a good dog over that of many humans!

Stephanie

PS: How's your buddy doing?

Fanta seems all better by eye, thanks for asking.  His bloodwork tells a different story.  It's better, but not by a lot.  We are retesting in a month.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 01:38:31 PM
Oh ok. I'm not fully conscious yet. I've been awake since 3am and my head is a little mushy. I half suspected you were being sarcastic and joking, I wanted to make sure.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 01:46:56 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 01:38:31 PM
Oh ok. I'm not fully conscious yet. I've been awake since 3am and my head is a little mushy. I half suspected you were being sarcastic and joking, I wanted to make sure.

Jayne

Love ya, sister. Don't stress about it!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 01:48:01 PM
I tend to agree with the kids thing. I have never really been able to connect with children, which doesn't make sense since I often act like a child. [emoji16][emoji12][emoji854] my niece has changed that a little. She is awesome and I live to play with her. I also find that I am more tolerant of stranger's children. I am able to smile at them and sometimes make silly faces to get the kid to laugh. I still have. I interest in having my own kids. Small doses are enough for me.

Now dogs, they are totally different. I looooove dogs. My wife and I don't have a dog because currently we are doing quite a bit of traveling and don't want to leave the dog behind.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 01:49:01 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 01:46:56 PM
Love ya, sister. Don't stress about it!


- Stephanie
Me stress??? Never!!!!  I'm just happy that your time on top of the fridge hasn't dampened your sense of humour!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 10, 2018, 01:49:56 PM
You dog lovers should go help Julia out
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232839.0.html

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 02:18:44 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 10, 2018, 06:41:21 AM
I am glad that you are setting the wheels in motion for your GRS.  A bit step forward - congratulations!  We are at similar stages in our journeys: I just got my first surgery referral letter this week.

I just left a message for my therapist that I want to set up a meeting to talk about just that.

QuoteI am relieved that you are down off that fridge.  Too dusty up there!  Nobody likes dust in their wine, and dusty chocolate?  Eww, that's just wrong!

Agreed. On the other hand, fridge dust goes very well with #stormchips!

By the way, Dusty Stormchips is going to be my stage name when I get hired as weather girl for the local TV station. Stay tuned.

Stephanie "Dusty Stormchips" Bensinger (You knew me when...)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on January 10, 2018, 03:35:21 PM
Hey Dusty, no, that sounds too much like some broken down rodeo bronc rider that would never look as good as you do in a fun skirt and top. I have to agree about NYC. I never really liked big cities though I have been in many around the world. But NYC is a special one, when you visit for your consult make sure that you take a tour of the city in one of those double deck busses; guaranteed you will gain an appreciation for the town. And then when you get your surgery done it will have even a more special place in your heart. Just don't let Laurie try to sell you one of the bridges around Manhattan.

By the way, you haven't told us when your consult is scheduled for...come on girl, keep up with the details!

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 04:19:15 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on January 10, 2018, 03:35:21 PM
Hey Dusty, no, that sounds too much like some broken down rodeo bronc rider that would never look as good as you do in a fun skirt and top.

You must be thinking of my cuzzin, Dusty Cowchips. But point taken. Hmmm. Fridgetop Stormchips? Freezer Stormchips? I'll work on it.

QuoteJust don't let Laurie try to sell you one of the bridges around Manhattan.

By the way, you haven't told us when your consult is scheduled for...come on girl, keep up with the details!

Whatever she's selling, I ain't buying. She can be sneaky and mean. (Does she look mad enough to put me back on the fridge with my wine and chocolates yet?)

As for dates: you all will be the third to know right after me and Sue. Everything is in the email-send-em-attached-documents phase right now.

Hey, do we have any members in NYC who can show a couple girls around?

Stephanie (Topper Stormchips?) Bensinger
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 04:51:55 PM
Stormchip Steph?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on January 10, 2018, 05:03:13 PM
That has to be better than "Cowchip Steph"
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on January 10, 2018, 05:04:45 PM
We will just call you Stormy...quite an infamous name in Adelaide  ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 01:17:07 AM
I was supposed to go to bed, but I wanted to share a pretty cool day:

Remember the story of when I got my drivers license and the lady from the front desk misgendered me? Well, Sue and I went back today to change the names on all our vehicle titles and registrations. We checked in at the front desk, and the same lady was there. I don't know if she recognized me from last time, but things were a bit different this time. "How can I help you ladies?" She checked us in, we got called to the counter, and Kay helped us through tons of paperwork and signatures. She was even apologetic that I had to sign my old name on the forms as the seller, then pointed out where to sign as Stephanie as the buyer. When she told me I had to sign my old name, I joked that I hated that, but I thought I remembered how. She smiled and was completely sympathetic. Throughout it all she was totally cool and helpful, and finished with, "You ladies have a nice day!" We got the same send off from the lady at the front desk.

Then we went to Darrell's restaurant, where they'd thrown the impromptu party after my name change hearing, for a late breakfast. Remember my semi-meltdown a few weeks ago when the waitress had misgendered me? This time she was completely cool. "What can I get you girls?" "Would you ladies like separate checks," etc. I should have pushed the envelope and introduced Sue as my wife. That could have been fun.

Next up: a friend of mine is looking at a plane to buy, and the seller flew it to a local airport today. My friend told the seller she really wanted her girlfriend Stephanie to inspect it, so I drove over, met the owner, who greeted me with, "It's Stephanie, right? It's nice to meet you!" and we ladies, along with a friend who hangs out in my shop in the winter, went over the plane with a fine-tooth comb. I got warm fuzzies when the owner got ready to leave and said again, "Stephanie, it was nice to meet you." He didn't show any awkwardness, and I think he really didn't know. I was even happy with my voice. Squeeeeeee!

The only awkward part was when my workshop friend kept deadnaming me. I told him later that when he got it wrong, just move on and don't draw attention to it. "Steve" could conceivably be a nickname for Stephanie, so don't make a big deal out of it. But work on it!

To top off the day and celebrate (my friend put a deposit on the plane) we went to Olive Garden for lunch and I was properly gendered for the entire time by the hostess, waiter, and bartender. I smiled at everyone and they all smiled back, including the ladies at the next table.

Later in the evening I got to sit down and have my almost-nightly girl-talk text session with Cassie and tell her all this, and we traded sisterly advice and encouragement until it was time for bed.

I'm feeling so incredibly... incredible right now.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on January 12, 2018, 04:33:57 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 01:17:07 AM
I'm feeling so incredibly... incredible right now.

Steph, I'm so glad things are starting to turn around in such a positive way for you! I wonder if you're close to (or even past) that unseen tipping point of self-confidence where no amount of misgendering or deadnaming can get under your skin.

BTW, I'm still feeling the effects from last night's toasting of your wonderful day! :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 12, 2018, 05:21:57 AM
This is awesome, Steph! You always put a smile on my face with these stories.

Quote
I'm feeling so incredibly... incredible right now.
These few words made my day!

I am so very happy for you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 12, 2018, 06:24:41 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 01:17:07 AM
I'm feeling so incredibly... incredible right now.
What a great day, Steph!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 07:47:05 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on January 12, 2018, 04:33:57 AM
Steph, I'm so glad things are starting to turn around in such a positive way for you! I wonder if you're close to (or even past) that unseen tipping point of self-confidence where no amount of misgendering or deadnaming can get under your skin.

I'm wondering the same. I suspect with our upcoming road trip this weekend, I may be putting it to the test soon.

QuoteBTW, I'm still feeling the effects from last night's toasting of your wonderful day! :D

Uh oh. It was only two small glasses of wine on this end of the Internet. If the emojis you sent are any indication, there were some pretty big mugs of beer on your end.

I hope you achieve maximum fabulosity today!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 12, 2018, 08:46:42 AM
Steph, time for me to chime in ... I really do feel great for you (and that other person, umm, oh yeah, Jayne).

Most times I'm skimming trough at work and don't take the time to reply.  Really, most everyone on here I wish I had a better rapport with. So many to say nice things to/about and I don't take the time.

So, WOW, good for you. Keep on flying high!! :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 08:50:33 AM
Quote from: Faith on January 12, 2018, 08:46:42 AM
Steph, time for me to chime in ... I really do feel great for you (and that other person, umm, oh yeah, Jayne).

Most times I'm skimming trough at work and don't take the time to reply.  Really, most everyone on here I wish I had a better rapport with. So many to say nice things to/about and I don't take the time.

So, WOW, good for you. Keep on flying high!! :)

No worries, Faith! Even if you can't reply, I know you're sending positive vibes my way. And the same back atcha!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 09:20:20 AM
Cassie's deeply moving posts and other's references to journaling apps got me thinking about the first entry I'd made into Day One on my tablet. I'd decided to keep a journal on the morning after I came out to my wife, and though I didn't keep up with it (most of my life ended up getting journaled here), I did write an extensive entry that morning.

I'm also issuing a TRIGGER ALERT on this. Be advised that there are some very traumatic passages included.

With minimal editing, here it is:

=================

I guess Day One is a good name for this app. I can't tell from here whether this is the first day of something that will turn out wonderfully, but for the first time I have hopes that the uncounted wishes I've made over the years could actually come true.

Last night I "came out" to Sue. Of course she's known for over twenty (thirty?) years about the cross-dressing, but it's clear that she didn't understand the depth of the daily despair I've been facing, living with this unmatched exterior.

Admitting it was one of the hardest, scariest things I've ever put myself through. I've had crying fits before (far more often than I like to admit) but this was something else. At times I could hardly breathe, at others I was hyperventilating; during moments of calm I could speak almost normally, but there were times when I could barely get one word out per breath.

Extremely traumatic... but cathartic.

And the end result is good. Knowing her as I do, I thought she might be supportive, but what I hit her with is so far beyond what she could have expected, there was the chance that she wouldn't be able process it, and would have to step away. I've always known that she doesn't feel emotion as deeply as I do - I think she might be part Vulcan. I'm sure that helps protect her from what's coming. Or it could be my admitted tendency to overdramatize everything. I don't know what I would have done if she'd rejected me. Probably eventually suicide. I don't think I'm strong enough to do this on my own. In that respect it's very probable that she has literally saved my life. And how am I going to repay that? After saving me from dying, I'm going to put her through what I would consider as Hell. But again, maybe her Vulcan logic will keep her from seeing it that way. I hope so. If she felt it as intensely as I do, she would have left me long ago. It's protecting both of us. All I know is that after the last couple of years watching what I feared was the slow dissolution of our marriage, we both committed to a new depth of love and understanding, possibly deeper than we've ever had.

At one point we were talking about what I could do for work during and after transition, and I doubted anyone would want to hire a transsexual. I can't remember the exact wording, but she said people will always say,  "I want to hire someone who does the quality work that he or she does."

She.

Funny little word, just a couple of sounds, vibrations in the air. But it hit me like grabbing a firing spark plug. I actually jumped. I can't understate just how important and amazing it was to hear someone else use that little word to describe me.

Me.

She.

A touch of the joy I hope to find in the future, though still tinged with fear.

So what now?

First we're going to make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in transgender issues. Then there are so many other things to consider, and costs to cover. In no particular order:

* I want to get my buck teeth fixed.
* Hair transplants?
* Hair removal (other than the head, of course)
* Voice therapist
* What about my monster nose?
* My creased face
* Clothes shopping (Yay!!)
* Pick a name!
* Hormone therapy!
* Surgery!!
* Coming out
    * To Mom and sister Sue
    * To neighbors
    * To other friends

I've already checked that our insurance covers reassignment surgery, but based on the WPATH standards of care, that could be two years down the road. I hope the haters don't take that away before I can use it.

I'm worded out. Setting this aside for now, but I hope I can discipline myself to keep on top of this, for my sake, and maybe if I get the courage, to publish it so other people can take whatever nuggets they can find from it.

=================

I guess I've developed that courage now. What a long way I've come.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on January 12, 2018, 12:18:47 PM
It sure does sound like you have passed some sort of watershed. It is no longer what will I do when someone reads me. It has become, I have a friends plane to check out and then spend some time with the girls. There will be many more times when you melt down and there are several more steps of your list to be either accomplished or dropped off the list. I do believe that you are getting to the point at which Stephanie figures out, not how she is going to transition, but how you are going to live your life as the true you.

I, for one, look forward to watching that story play out.
Love you sister,
Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 12, 2018, 04:13:49 PM
Steph, how appropriate this was your post number 1,000.  And what an amazing journey so far. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 12, 2018, 04:24:21 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 09:20:20 AM
I guess I've developed that courage now. What a long way I've come.
What a long way, indeed!  It is nice to be able to reflect back and appreciate the journey for what it is.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 04:31:01 PM
Quote from: Kendra on January 12, 2018, 04:13:49 PM
Steph, how appropriate this was your post number 1,000.  And what an amazing journey so far.

Wow, that's pretty cool! I had no idea!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 12, 2018, 04:58:02 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 04:31:01 PM
Wow, that's pretty cool! I had no idea!

Stephanie

Dang it ((Ste)(pha)nie), You (ruined) my comment. :-( I was going to accuse (you) of planning it. Of having thought about it mo(nths ago and wait)ing for just this time (to) post it. Dratz (()) I (hop)e you (washed) off the (top of the fridge) while you were up there. (Why)? Oh no particular (reason......)

(Yes, you've (come a long way,) Baby)

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 05:10:17 PM
Quote from: Laurie on January 12, 2018, 04:58:02 PM
Dang it ((Ste)(pha)nie), You (ruined) my comment. :-( I was going to accuse (you) of planning it. Of having thought about it mo(nths ago and wait)ing for just this time (to) post it. Dratz (()) I (hop)e you (washed) off the (top of the fridge) while you were up there. (Why)? Oh no particular (reason......)

(Yes, you've (come a long way,) Baby)

Hugs,
   Laurie

As far as I could tell it was #825. I still can't figure out how to know what number it is...

I rubbed most of the dust and grease off the top o' the fridge last time I was up there. But puleeeze don't put me back up there (with my wine and chocolate and #stormchips)!!

S(t)epha[n]i{e}
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 12, 2018, 10:42:18 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 12, 2018, 05:10:17 PM
As far as I could tell it was #825. I still can't figure out how to know what number it is...

S(t)epha[n]i{e}

2 ways to do it
1) it is on your profile page
2) look under one of your post avatars
3) (  ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) )
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 13, 2018, 01:48:19 AM
I just got caught up, Steph. That diary entry has really highlighted how far you have come. I didn't keep any kind of diary, but I do remember the night I came out to my wife. It has been permanently etched into my memories. Reading your entry reminded me of that night. My reaction of crying (hysterically at times) hyperventilating, barely able to breathe let alone speak, was just the way you described it.

I can't tell you how much you have helped me by sharing your story. You have filled me with hope because we are similar in so many ways, even to the point of describing my wife as part Vulcan. I have never thought to use that to describe her before, but reading your posts made me think that it is fitting. That Vulcan trait has saved my life because she was able to be a rock solid shoulder for me to cry on each and every time I had one of my major meltdowns.

It is a pleasure to be soaring on this journey along side you sister!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 13, 2018, 06:51:04 AM
I like the idea of keeping a journal.  I envy you for being so disciplined too.  Wow you have come far from your first entry.  I feel like I'm only a little bit from mine.  Time to do some reflection.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 13, 2018, 12:57:53 PM
In a few days I'll be consuming a jug of that surgery prep stuff but I won't write it in my diary A
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 13, 2018, 01:06:21 PM
Quote from: Laurie on January 12, 2018, 10:42:18 PM
2 ways to do it
1) it is on your profile page
2) look under one of your post avatars
3) (  [emoji57] [emoji57] [emoji57] [emoji57] [emoji57] [emoji57] [emoji57] [emoji57] [emoji57] [emoji57] )

Hmmm. All I see is the total number of posts, which I just incremented again with this one. It doesn't seem to say what number any particular post is.

But it's ok. It's still an amazing coincidence. Believe me, I didn't plan it. How much scheming can you do from the top of a fridge?


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on January 13, 2018, 01:22:21 PM
Quote from: Kendra on January 13, 2018, 12:57:53 PM
In a few days I'll be consuming a jug of that surgery prep stuff but I won't write it in my diary A

Kendra, the stuff is yucky but not as bad as I expected it to be. Just look at it as an uncomfortable step that you need to take to reach your goal, then it is just an awkward night to be lost in your memory bank. Speaking of diaries, are you planning on opening a thread telling the tale of these next few months for you? You know that your fan club wants to track your progress!

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 13, 2018, 01:30:50 PM
I'll probably just add return trip notes to posts for GCS (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230213.msg2045592.html#msg2045592) and FFS (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230933.msg2052891.html#msg2052891) evals. 

I didn't post for VSRAC (VFS) in Seoul, got that estimate online - I'll post on that when I head to Korea at end of February. 

Quote from: Anne Blake on January 13, 2018, 01:22:21 PM
> Just look at it as an uncomfortable step that you need to take to reach your goal
I hear it is called the quick step
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Dena on January 13, 2018, 02:26:19 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 13, 2018, 01:06:21 PM
Hmmm. All I see is the total number of posts, which I just incremental again with this one. It doesn't seem to say what number any particular post is.

But it's ok. It's still an amazing coincidence. Believe me, I didn't plan it. How much scheming can you do from the top of a fridge?


- Stephanie
In your profile page, there is a link to your posting history. The down side of it is it doesn't count deleted posts. You may never delete a post personally but if you post in somebodies thread and they remove the entire thread, your post will go with it. The exception is staff can see deleted posts however they are still deleted so they don't count towards our total post numbers. I have around 1500 post that have ended up in the trash because somebody else removed their thread. My current post count is 13,367 but my posting history shows 14,979. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I should post in a thread that's going to end up in the trash.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 13, 2018, 03:06:46 PM
Quote from: Kendra on January 13, 2018, 01:30:50 PM
I'll probably just add return trip notes to posts for GCS (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230213.msg2045592.html#msg2045592) and FFS (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230933.msg2052891.html#msg2052891) evals. 

I didn't post for VSRAC (VFS) in Seoul, got that estimate online - I'll post on that when I head to Korea at end of February. 
I hear it is called the quick step

I hope everything comes out ok!

Seriously Kendra, I'm so happy for you! Best wishes for complete success. I'll be watching closely that everything went well!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 13, 2018, 03:16:57 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 13, 2018, 01:48:19 AM
I just got caught up, Steph. That diary entry has really highlighted how far you have come. I didn't keep any kind of diary, but I do remember the night I came out to my wife. It has been permanently etched into my memories. Reading your entry reminded me of that night. My reaction of crying (hysterically at times) hyperventilating, barely able to breathe let alone speak, was just the way you described it.

I can't tell you how much you have helped me by sharing your story. You have filled me with hope because we are similar in so many ways, even to the point of describing my wife as part Vulcan. I have never thought to use that to describe her before, but reading your posts made me think that it is fitting. That Vulcan trait has saved my life because she was able to be a rock solid shoulder for me to cry on each and every time I had one of my major meltdowns.

It is a pleasure to be soaring on this journey along side you sister!

Jayne

It's quite a ride, Jayne, but it's so cool that I've met so many great people like you who are on board, too. Keep (almost) all appendages inside the ride at all times.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 13, 2018, 03:19:06 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on January 13, 2018, 06:51:04 AM
I like the idea of keeping a journal.  I envy you for being so disciplined too.  Wow you have come far from your first entry.  I feel like I'm only a little bit from mine.  Time to do some reflection.

Bari Jo

You give me too much credit, Bari Jo. Other than some statistics and a few pictures, that was pretty much my only entry in Day One. Almost everything else ended up here or in Faceplant.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 13, 2018, 03:27:24 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on January 12, 2018, 12:18:47 PM
It sure does sound like you have passed some sort of watershed. It is no longer what will I do when someone reads me. It has become, I have a friends plane to check out and then spend some time with the girls. There will be many more times when you melt down and there are several more steps of your list to be either accomplished or dropped off the list. I do believe that you are getting to the point at which Stephanie figures out, not how she is going to transition, but how you are going to live your life as the true you.

I, for one, look forward to watching that story play out.
Love you sister,
Tia Anne

Wow, thanks Tia. You do understand that those of you who go before me are like rock stars to this groupie, right? Sometimes I'm in awe that I can actually just have a normal conversation with all of you, even if the subject matter isn't particularly normal. It really does emphasize that we're all just ordinary people caught up in extraordinary circumstances.

It would be so cool to meet each one of you in person and exchange hugs. I know it'll happen some day.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on January 13, 2018, 05:15:16 PM
Stephanie,

Rock stars, not by any means. "It really does emphasize that we're all just ordinary people caught up in extraordinary circumstances.", yes, I can buy into this......but even this is a huge step to finally be able to consider myself "just ordinary people" rather than the twisted freak that I felt myself to be for so many years.

And yes, I do look forward to sharing some time over a cup of coffee with you someday, discussing the magic of life! I am still hoping to get out your way next fall.

Tia Anne, your just ordinary sister with an amazing journey!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 13, 2018, 05:34:02 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 13, 2018, 01:06:21 PM
Hmmm. All I see is the total number of posts, which I just incremented again with this one. It doesn't seem to say what number any particular post is.

But it's ok. It's still an amazing coincidence. Believe me, I didn't plan it. How much scheming can you do from the top of a fridge?


- Stephanie

You can count the number of posts from your most current post in your post history back to but not including   that one and subtract from your total posts number and it should be 1000. But it would have been easier if you had just looked at your total when you made the post like Kendra did.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 14, 2018, 10:01:03 AM
Squeeeeee moments this morning: Cassie and I are on a road trip in Southern Florida, and went to the hotel breakfast room this morning. A nice old Spanish gentleman was running everything and greeted me with, "Good morning senorita! Would you like a waffle?" How could I say no?

Later he stopped by our table. "Chicas Bonitas! Amigas, or friends? Everything good?"

Si!!! Muy bueno!!!

What's Spanish for SQUEEEEEEE!?


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 14, 2018, 11:35:04 AM
Squeeeeeeñorita!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 14, 2018, 03:58:08 PM
Quote from: Kendra on January 14, 2018, 11:35:04 AM
Squeeeeeeñorita!

[emoji526][emoji1302]🤣[emoji23][emoji38]🤪[emoji81]🤦🏼‍♀️

Can't...  Catch... Breath!!

Whooooo...

We were eating lunch when I read this. I think there's a strawberry lodged in my sinuses.

That's it. Kendra wins Susan's Place.

Stephansqueee
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on January 14, 2018, 08:19:54 PM
Quote from: Kendra on January 14, 2018, 11:35:04 AM
Squeeeeeeñorita!

Perfect!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on January 14, 2018, 08:21:12 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 14, 2018, 10:01:03 AM
Squeeeeee moments this morning: Cassie and I are on a road trip in Southern Florida, and went to the hotel breakfast room this morning. A nice old Spanish gentleman was running everything and greeted me with, "Good morning senorita! Would you like a waffle?" How could I say no?

Later he stopped by our table. "Chicas Bonitas! Amigas, or friends? Everything good?"

Si!!! Muy bueno!!!

What's Spanish for SQUEEEEEEE!?


- Stephanie

Nothing like an early morning ego boost to set you along your day in the right way... ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LJH24 on January 14, 2018, 08:34:59 PM
Quote from: Kendra on January 14, 2018, 11:35:04 AM
Squeeeeeeñorita!

;D :laugh: ;D :laugh:
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 14, 2018, 09:11:31 PM
Quote from: Kendra on January 14, 2018, 11:35:04 AM
Squeeeeeeñorita!
Awesome! I love it.

Sounds like a fun road trip. How about some photos?

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on January 14, 2018, 09:20:41 PM
I will add Devlyn's comment to that. It ain't real till we get the pictures!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 15, 2018, 08:32:33 PM
You want pictures? We gots pictures!

Well, we have A picture. Cassie may have others to share if she decides to tell you the main reason for the trip. I just went along for moral support, despite my inherent immorality. We saw your comments when we got back from the trip. After I rested up at Cassie's Casa, as I packed up to head back to Stephanie Manor, I grabbed a shot of the travelers.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180116/89a03b041f0780df821ebb42fc6a5e5b.jpg)

Part of the trip included shopping(!) and you can see me wearing my new "Rhapsody Scarf."

Most of the trip was just awesome, though there were a few sour notes. I've seen not-so-veiled references that I post too much about my meltdowns, so I'll just say I had a rough time of it at one point and leave it at that. If anyone really wants details I can spill the ugly details in a PM. I'm mostly recovered now.

It's good to be home, but it was also very good to spend time with my new sister and best friend Cassie. Like hanging out with you all, it's so good to talk in depth with someone who really gets it, with the added benefit of IRL therapeutic hugs from someone who can pass the Kleenex box in a timely manner.

I hope to do another trip like that again sometime.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 15, 2018, 08:41:30 PM
Great photo!  Two sweet gals there - glad you got to see Cassie.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 15, 2018, 08:32:33 PM
> Part of the trip included shopping(!) and you can see me wearing my new "Rhapsody Scarf."
I'll note the musical scarf reminds me of Gershwin's best composition, Rhapsody in Blue Jeans. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 15, 2018, 08:52:35 PM
Glad you had a good trip. You're both looking good.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 16, 2018, 12:10:03 AM
  Both of you are looking good there but why is Cassie still in pajamas? Glad you two returned from this mysterious trip safe and sound. Did you two scarf down some delectable delights on the trip?
  And oh if you feel like being a drama queen about something then my dear do so.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 16, 2018, 01:25:24 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 15, 2018, 08:32:33 PM
Most of the trip was just awesome, though there were a few sour notes. I've seen not-so-veiled references that I post too much about my meltdowns, so I'll just say I had a rough time of it at one point and leave it at that. If anyone really wants details I can spill the ugly details in a PM. I'm mostly recovered now.

I've been encouraged behind the curtain to fill in the details of not just the above stuff, but also the rest of the trip. I realized, hey, what the heck, this is my thread and these are my stories. Read 'em or not.

Cassie had some personal stuff she needed to handle in southern FL, and asked if I'd go with her to act as a sympathetic ear and provide a shoulder to cry on if necessary (even if it meant bending way down to my level). Of course I went. There was never any question of it.

So I packed up on Friday, and way too early on Saturday jumped in the rollerskate and drove to her place, where we transferred  to her behemoth and headed south. On the way we stopped at a Starbucks, which I'm embarrassed to admit, as a small-town, frugal chick, I had never been in before. The coffee was good, and the breakfast sandwich was awesome, but how pretentious is "Tall," "Grande," and "Venti" for sizes? Sheesh. But hey, we were properly gendered, so no complaints. Back on the road.

About 2 1/2 hours later we arrived at the hotel in our destination. After a little negotiating they let us check into the room early, and I set up camp while Cassie got ready for her appointment. I had been thinking about walking out for something to eat while she was gone, but for some reason I got cold feet and just dozed and caught up with various forums, including this one, while she was gone for 2 1/2 hours. She came back with encouraging news, and there was some ocular leakage of the positive kind, then some quiet time to gather wits before we headed out to meet an old friend of hers for dinner.

E was a pretty cool dude, completely accepting of our transitions, and had tons of stories to tell about misadventures he and Cassie had experienced in the past. We had a great meal and talked until after 11pm. Back to the hotel, more girl talk until after 1 am, then collapse for the night.

Next morning started out as I'd already written, being called Chicas Bonitas by the kind old gentleman running the breakfast room. Time to pack up and... shop shop shop! Cassie's mission was to find a dress for a wedding, and I was just tagging along, but had a mental list of things I wanted to scout for. And no matter where we stopped, she walked out empty handed, and I bought something for myself. Got myself a new purse, some slacks that I'll need for an upcoming funeral, and my first pair of skinny jeans.

Lunch time at TooJays. Standing in line I saw a weird sign, and wondered what else they sold besides food:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/9fdexzmfpat7ld4/toojays.jpg?raw=1)

The waitress took the orders from the ladies with no issues. The place had tables around the periphery, with a long padded bench for people to sit on on the wall side of the table, which meant you had someone sitting right next to you at the next table. And the ladies who came in and sat to our left gave us smiles as they settled in.

It was time to head back in the general direction of Cassie Casa. We stopped in to a gas station for snacks and drinks, and I took my stuff up to the check out. And the kid behind the counter misgendered me. WTF? What did he see that nobody else did? He seemed friendly and helpful, but gave me a "thank you, sir" as I hit the door. I was already halfway out when I realized what had happened. At this point I was more bemused than anything else. It planted the seed of doubt though, that maybe everybody else we'd encountered was just being nice to the short guy pretending to be a girl. It was just a seed, though, and not a big deal yet.

We had one more mission before getting to the end of the route. We had to meet someone and trade Cassie's truck for their car so they could use it to help a friend move. We met them in a store, they introduced themselves, and... I introduced myself as Steve. I leaned on Cassie in shock and disbelief. It was bad, but not as bad as the knowledge that this was the second time I'd done that to myself in one week.

What the Hell did I do? What does it mean? My only conclusion was that, despite all the effort to change my name on every piece of paperwork, every website, every possible communication; all the effort I'd been making to try to get everyone around me to understand and believe I am now Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger... I don't actually believe it myself. This realization provided the fertilizer for the earlier doubt started by the misgendering to grow.

We hit another store, and Cassie finally found some dresses. I also found one that was a lot like one that Cassie has, with vertical panels that emphasize the hourglass shape, that she looks stunning in. I decided to give it a try - and I looked ridiculous. It was sleeveless, so my shoulders stuck out, and the panels just didn't do anything for me. Knowing how good Cassie looked in essentially the same dress just added to my insecurity.

With the misgendering, self-deadnaming, and now loss of confidence in my progress with HRT, by the time we got to Cassie's place, I was circling the drain.

We went in, got hot beverages and sat in front of the fire, and I slid into meltdown mode. This time it was Cassie's turn to be the strong one. Lots more talking, ocular leakage, and hugs, and it was time to crash, with the sure knowledge that my Kleenex stock just had another uptick.

I have no cause or resolution to the problem, but I washed a good portion of the pain out with the leakage, and felt somewhat better in the morning. Cassie cooked breakfast in her jammies and we sat and talked around the fire, telling secrets and offering thoughts and advice on anything and everything, until I realized it was almost 3pm and I really needed to get home. I threw the luggage in the skate, and we grabbed the picture you've already seen, and after hugs I was off to the Bensinger compound.

So now it's back to reality. I'm still deeply disturbed by deadnaming myself multiple times, and I don't know what to do about it. It feels especially awkward now to enforce names and pronouns on other people when I don't believe it myself. I'm kind of twisting in the wind. Though I admit that I did correct one of my neighbors with "she" when he got it wrong. He smiled and told me it was going to take him a long time to get it right. I smiled back and told him that's fine, but I was going to continue correcting him until then.

Despite the fact that I'm still pretty rattled by this latest realization, on balance it was a pretty good trip. Just getting away with someone who gets it and doesn't get tired of hearing about it as the muggles do is very therapeutic. So, to paraphrase Ashley, On We Plod...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on January 16, 2018, 02:11:12 AM
I'm sorry you had that experience, Stephanie.  I think it takes a while for our reptilian hindbrain to catch up on our new self-image, as in Nature we don't really change much or with any speed in adulthood, and it isn't very good about absorbing big, rapid change like HRT and gender presentation changes can bring about.

It feeds miscues into us, and once we goof, that self-questioning part of our mind, the Doubt Monster, is reawakened and hungry to chew on us once again. Again, it takes time to get the Doubt Monster shrunk down to the Doubt Chihuahua, and to develop the firmly seated actualized gender identity that would let us laugh it off.

It takes time.  Patience is in short supply, yet what we need most in transition to wait out days like this one.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 16, 2018, 03:36:14 AM
Hi Steph,

Welcome back from your trip. Overall it sounds like things went rather well. I'm glad you and Cassie had a good time and enjoyed each other's company.

Quote
What the Hell did I do? What does it mean? My only conclusion was that, despite all the effort to change my name on every piece of paperwork, every website, every possible communication; all the effort I'd been making to try to get everyone around me to understand and believe I am now Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger... I don't actually believe it myself. This realization provided the fertilizer for the earlier doubt started by the misgendering to grow.
...

With the misgendering, self-deadnaming, and now loss of confidence in my progress with HRT, by the time we got to Cassie's place, I was circling the drain.

As for this ^^^^^, I would say don't be so hard on yourself. So you dead named yourself a couple of times. What does it mean? It means for the overwhelming majority of your life you have been referring to yourself with the old name. In comparison, you have been Stephanie for a tiny fraction of that time. It was accidental and doesn't need to be over analysed. You're a pilot, have you heard of the Swiss cheese model? All the holes happened to line up for whatever reason and the old name came out when you introduced yourself. And the kid behind the counter who misgendered you probably had their brain elsewhere thinking about who knows what. Their last 10 customers could have all been male and "sir" came out automatically. They probably couldn't describe you if their life depended on it because they weren't paying any attention to you. They scanned the goods, took your money and gave you change. It's likely that you could have  been wearing a big bird costume and they wouldn't have noticed.

Go easy on yourself. Your transition is going so well, a few slip ups along the way can be expected and have no significance in the grand scheme of things.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on January 16, 2018, 04:20:50 AM
Hi Steph,
   Don't feel bad about saying the  name wrong. We have neurological pathways that we have used for so long, sometimes we slip into them when we are not thinking. We can't deny that we used the old name a long time. It means nothing about your commitment to being the real you. It is more a statement that you have relaxed a lot and are not as hyper-vigilant with your gender perhaps, a good thing. The person in the store could have done something similar. Don't let it shake you for long.
Moni
Oh, it happens to most all of us. Don't localize it to just you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 16, 2018, 04:33:35 AM
Hi Steph, I feel your pain.  I've been referring to myself as my dogs mommy for about a month to him.  Yesterday, I said daddy, and damn I was uncomfortable.  It made me question myself, but I got back on the mommy train.  You can too.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 16, 2018, 06:13:59 AM
Hi, Steph.

I am glad you had a (mostly) good trip.

Don't ever censor yourself.  And thank you for reconsidering and sharing your experience.  You are among friends here, and the reason we are here is to help you and others with exactly this kind of thing.

Don't worry about self-dead-naming.  I have done it a couple of times.  The least damaging time, it was in a trans-friendly space to another trans-woman.  As I collapsed in self-mortification, she reassured me, "Don't worry.  We all do it."

You hear that, Steph?  We all do it!

In my case, it was a pre-wired response in my mind.  Someone puts out their hand and says, "Hi, I am _____." and my automatic, unthinking, totally wired-in response was, "Hi, I'm <dead name>."  It came out without any kind of thought or premeditation.  In other words, it didn't mean anything, and didn't reveal anything psychological.  It was pure habit, no more meaningful than the knee jerk if you whack my knee with a rubber hammer.

The two occasions on which it happened (the other one was much more embarrassing) made enough of an impression on me to start re-wiring those mental circuits.  I doubt if that habit is still there.  On the other hand, I do still find myself misgendering myself with pronouns.  It doesn't mean anything either: it's just a habit.

Don't worry about it!

Oh, and thanks for the pics!  I bet you're going to rock those skinny jeans.

[edit]I just saw this in someone's Facebook post:
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
That includes yourself, hon.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 16, 2018, 12:20:35 PM
Thank you so much, everyone, for your caring and helpful advice. I'm still getting used to having anyone, much less so many of you, care so much about me. I lived much of my former life mostly in social isolation, with just a very small group of people I'd interact with, so having so many friends is one of the best benefits of transitioning for me.

To give an idea how close to the surface my emotions run nowadays, and how much small things can affect my mood, I just had something happen that has me smiling wide again.

My neighbors have just had a new plane (to them) delivered. I took Maggie for a walk and considered avoiding the group hanging around and oohing and aahhing over the new machine, to avoid having to meet the ferry pilot who had delivered the plane. I got waved over from the other side of the runway, so I had to walk over there. D and her husband C had just bought the plane, and my next door neighbor G was there, too. All are great with my transition, but I really didn't know how far they'd come until D decided to introduce me to the ferry pilot. She told him, "This is Stephanie. She's a really good pilot and she builds really nice airplanes." G chimed in with, "Yeah, she builds the best planes!" D pulled me into a conversation by asking how many planes I'd built, so I had to start talking. I gave my voice my best shot, having to tell the ferry pilot about all the different kinds of planes I'd been involved with, and what the latest project had been. And he bought it, hook, line, and sinker. I didn't need an airplane to fly home.

It is a little concerning that my mood can be swung so easily. I used to live a very stable, though unhappy existence. Now I feel so much that it gets overwhelming sometimes, and takes very little bias to make large changes, sort of like a semiconductor. I guess I really am a trans-sister.

Thanks again, everyone. I love you all.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 16, 2018, 01:45:41 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 16, 2018, 12:20:35 PMtakes very little bias to make large changes, sort of like a semiconductor. I guess I really am a trans-sister.
OK, folks, we have a new contender for groaner of the year!  :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 16, 2018, 02:24:03 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 16, 2018, 01:45:41 PM
OK, folks, we have a new contender for groaner of the year!  :D

Geeze. I pour my heart out and what do they remember?

The year is young. I'm sure I'll come up with something better (worse) before the year is out.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 16, 2018, 02:31:39 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 16, 2018, 06:13:59 AMI bet you're going to rock those skinny jeans.

I'm thinking this might be a Squeeee moment.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180116/638373a201b8c69765de31b388ffe440.jpg)

Stephanieeeeeee
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 16, 2018, 03:01:31 PM
Yep, you're rocking it sister!

And yes, while the groaner got my attention, I did note and appropriately delight in the levitation.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 16, 2018, 03:09:06 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 16, 2018, 02:31:39 PM
I'm thinking this might be a Squeeee moment.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180116/638373a201b8c69765de31b388ffe440.jpg)

Stephanieeeeeee

There ya go. "Ah Likes It"
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 16, 2018, 03:48:00 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 16, 2018, 02:31:39 PM
I'm thinking this might be a Squeeee moment.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180116/638373a201b8c69765de31b388ffe440.jpg)

Stephanieeeeeee
I like the look Steph. Definitely squeeeeee worthy.

Also, nice trans-sister moment with the neighbors and their new plane. Isn't life so much more interesting being able to feel such a variety of emotions. I can't imagine ever going back to that humdrum 2 emotion person I used to be (the 2 emotions being happy or not happy).

Did I mention you are rocking those skinny jeans. Seriously! You've nailed it!!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 16, 2018, 03:50:25 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 16, 2018, 03:48:34 PM
I like the look Steph. Definitely squeeeeee worthy.

Also, nice trans-sister moment with the neighbors and their new plane. Isn't life so much more interesting being able to feel such a variety of emotions. I can't imagine ever going back to that humdrum 2 emotion person I used to be (the 2 emotions being happy or not happy).

Did I mention you are rocking those skinny jeans. Seriously! You've nailed it!!

Jayne

NIce
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on January 16, 2018, 04:47:13 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 16, 2018, 02:31:39 PM
I'm thinking this might be a Squeeee moment.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180116/638373a201b8c69765de31b388ffe440.jpg)

Stephanieeeeeee

Chica bonita!

Didn't I tell you that you need to have some skinny jeans in your life!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on January 16, 2018, 04:59:49 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 16, 2018, 06:13:59 AM
Don't worry about self-dead-naming.  I have done it a couple of times.  The least damaging time, it was in a trans-friendly space to another trans-woman.  As I collapsed in self-mortification, she reassured me, "Don't worry.  We all do it."

So far, as I told Steph, I haven't accidentally deadnamed myself, though I have had to do it deliberately since I haven't changed my legal documents as yet. I think that might be because I talk to myself a lot. Usually, it goes something like:
"Focus, Cassie, focus."
"Slow it down Cassie."
"You've got this, Cassie"
"Cassie, don't say that, that's mean"

Maybe that's inadvertently made a difference. Of course, I never was the outgoing type who went around introducing myself to lots and lots of people, so that behavior never really got ingrained in my subconscious.

Steph, don't just "not worry about it". Stay aware of that behavior and make a conscious effort to change it. You've had the strength and emotional resilience to change so much else about yourself in such a short time that this will be a walk in the park for you. You're the one who's killin' it, Pretty Sister - bein' all sassy in your skinny jeans! ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on January 16, 2018, 05:31:17 PM
Quote from: Laurie on January 16, 2018, 12:10:03 AM
  Both of you are looking good there but why is Cassie still in pajamas? Glad you two returned from this mysterious trip safe and sound. Did you two scarf down some delectable delights on the trip?

Well, like to be comfy when I'm out and about on the grounds of my estate. :D

That, and Steph is right - we spent most of the day just talking with each other and sharing secrets we had never told to a single other soul. That of course was after having coffee by the fireplace and some of Cassie's Culinary Curiosities for breakfast.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 17, 2018, 12:52:54 AM
Well, things are definitely looking up (no short jokes, please) around the Steph Enclave. I received my second email communication from Dr. Ting's office at Mt. Sinai today. They're starting the communication process with my insurance company, and gave me a list of letters and records they need from my therapist, endocrinologist, and primary care doc. My insurance requires letters from two doctors, and Mt. Sinai will supply the second after our meetings. That means I won't have to find a second therapist around this area, though Cassie highly recommended her therapist for the second opinion.

In other news, this evening was another one of our trivia contest get-togethers. Sue ended up getting there late, so I was forced into a close social situation without her as a buffer, and it went fine. S, who is boss of our team, has known my story from the first time I joined them, and I think the two guys who were there have known for a while, too. I wasn't sure about the one guy's wife, but she used "he" and "she" interchangeably all evening, so somebody must have clued her in. It didn't bother me at all, especially after she complimented me on my bright red fingernails.

After the game was over (we lost miserably - what's Maverick's real first name in Top Gun?) I went to use the lady's room, and hokey smoke Bullwinkle, the room was full with women waiting for open stalls. And I mixed right in with no awkwardness or weirdness, even engaging in a little chatting. When I finally got into a stall I had a "YESSSS!!" moment.

From there we went to another restaurant to meet up with all my neighbors for a surprise birthday party for one of them. I was just another one of the gang, and even got a couple of the women into a conversation about finding me more feminine glasses. One of them I knew would be cool, but the other had given me the impression that she was putting a little space between us. I was surprised when she enthusiastically jumped right in with advice and recommendations. I count that as another win.

So let's see: Getting lots of loving and helpful advice from dear friends; moving forward on GCS; being correctly named and gendered by two neighbors and getting by with my voice while being introduced to a stranger; rockin' my new airplane earrings (haven't mentioned them yet, have I?); digging my new skinny jeans; navigating a social situation successfully; dealing with a full restroom; being welcomed once again as just another part of our extended family in the neighborhood; engaging with neighbors about feminizing myself. Oh, and being deputized to slap some sense into Laurie if needed. I think that qualifies as a pretty successful day.

Kinda puts Sunday's meltdown in the rearview mirror...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on January 17, 2018, 07:03:13 AM
Steph, you haven't heard? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet (and still have thorns).

I seem to be past deadnaming myself, it took most of 8 months and happened most often during context switches, say an unexpected turn in conversation or phone call that put me into a defensive mode. In short don't sweat it (or even glow over it).

As to being misgendered, try my life on for a while, as a non passable femme dyke I've been accepted into some lesbian organizations (yay) still even in these days of supposedly intersectional feminism had to explain myself to one of these and been rejected by another.

As to being misgendered, remember that happens to cis females also. Passing as female is harder than passing as male.

So on my end I passed my first big test this weekend, an annual sex party, heavily lgbtq, albeit with plenty of het attendees also. I spent much of my weekend close to nude wearing only lingerie, finally attending as a fairly complete me, no longer sporting that bulge. And I was every bit the wallflower I've been for the couple of decades I've been going to this. Still, I was approached by a lovely woman who turned out to be bisexual and we made love both Saturday and Sunday nights.

So I've finally had sex as a lesbian woman with a primarily lesbian woman. Something I've known I wanted long before I even realized I was trans. I'm still floating on an euphoric cloud :-).

This is all that matters to me. Holding and being held by someone who simply gets me is the best thing I could ask of this life and knowing that's happened now, I know it will happen again.

Your story and needs of course are different from mine. You're living your life and that's the main thing, don't get too hung up on the names and appearances.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 17, 2018, 08:30:28 AM
Thank you Sadie, for the caring advice.

Yes, our stories are different, but happiness crosses all boundaries. When I tapped on your message, suddenly all this joy came running out of my phone all over the table. I'm dripping happy tears for you. Dreams do come true. ❤️


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on January 17, 2018, 08:50:26 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 17, 2018, 12:52:54 AM
Well, things are definitely looking up (no short jokes, please) around the Steph Enclave. I received my second email communication from Dr. Ting's office at Mt. Sinai today. They're starting the communication process with my insurance company, and gave me a list of letters and records they need from my therapist, endocrinologist, and primary care doc. My insurance requires letters from two doctors, and Mt. Sinai will supply the second after our meetings. That means I won't have to find a second therapist around this area, though Cassie highly recommended her therapist for the second opinion.

In other news, this evening was another one of our trivia contest get-togethers. Sue ended up getting there late, so I was forced into a close social situation without her as a buffer, and it went fine. S, who is boss of our team, has known my story from the first time I joined them, and I think the two guys who were there have known for a while, too. I wasn't sure about the one guy's wife, but she used "he" and "she" interchangeably all evening, so somebody must have clued her in. It didn't bother me at all, especially after she complimented me on my bright red fingernails.

After the game was over (we lost miserably - what's Maverick's real first name in Top Gun?) I went to use the lady's room, and hokey smoke Bullwinkle, the room was full with women waiting for open stalls. And I mixed right in with no awkwardness or weirdness, even engaging in a little chatting. When I finally got into a stall I had a "YESSSS!!" moment.

From there we went to another restaurant to meet up with all my neighbors for a surprise birthday party for one of them. I was just another one of the gang, and even got a couple of the women into a conversation about finding me more feminine glasses. One of them I knew would be cool, but the other had given me the impression that she was putting a little space between us. I was surprised when she enthusiastically jumped right in with advice and recommendations. I count that as another win.

So let's see: Getting lots of loving and helpful advice from dear friends; moving forward on GCS; being correctly named and gendered by two neighbors and getting by with my voice while being introduced to a stranger; rockin' my new airplane earrings (haven't mentioned them yet, have I?); digging my new skinny jeans; navigating a social situation successfully; dealing with a full restroom; being welcomed once again as just another part of our extended family in the neighborhood; engaging with neighbors about feminizing myself. Oh, and being deputized to slap some sense into Laurie if needed. I think that qualifies as a pretty successful day.

Kinda puts Sunday's meltdown in the rearview mirror...

Stephanie
Steph,
   Glad you are feeling better. Especially like the part about slapping sense into Laurie. How do I sign up for that?
Moni
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 17, 2018, 08:52:55 AM
Report to Captain Jayne for deputization. Take a book. There may be a long line.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 17, 2018, 03:59:51 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 17, 2018, 12:52:54 AM
So let's see: Getting lots of loving and helpful advice from dear friends; moving forward on GCS; being correctly named and gendered by two neighbors and getting by with my voice while being introduced to a stranger; rockin' my new airplane earrings (haven't mentioned them yet, have I?); digging my new skinny jeans; navigating a social situation successfully; dealing with a full restroom; being welcomed once again as just another part of our extended family in the neighborhood; engaging with neighbors about feminizing myself. Oh, and being deputized to slap some sense into Laurie if needed. I think that qualifies as a pretty successful day.

Kinda puts Sunday's meltdown in the rearview mirror...

Stephanie
Hiya Steph! Well, I'm not sure how I can add to this. You have summarised it all up pretty well. I am very happy you have had such a good day. You are just going about living your life being you. Your constant thoughts of gender are starting to take a back seat and you are just living a normal life. That is awesome! You've done it! You are Stephanie, just another one of the girls. What remains can be classified as logistics, just processes you need to go through. The hard part is done, you have accepted and believe in yourself.

There is only one problem I see with what you have posted. You know I love planes. Why are you hiding these new aeroplane earrings? (It looks like I also need to teach you how to spell "aeroplane" [emoji16]) Photo please! I want to see those earrings!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 17, 2018, 04:39:33 PM
Quote from: HappyMoni on January 17, 2018, 08:50:26 AM
Steph,
   Glad you are feeling better. Especially like the part about slapping sense into Laurie. How do I sign up for that?
Moni
I, Captain Jayne, herby deputise Moni (Moanie, for Laurie to understand) as an official Slap Officer to keep Laurie in line during my absence.

Captain Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 01:03:07 AM
After letting my business go mostly dormant for the last six months, I'm finally getting my act together. For some reason, within the last week or so I've gotten four inquiries for the plane I import, which is huge, but I've been so preoccupied that I've been neglecting them.

Well, tonight I finally sat down and returned the messages. Three of them were people I've had contact with in the past so I had no choice except than to out myself to them. We'll see what kind of reaction I get. The fourth I don't think I've ever met, so unless he's seen other references, he's going to know the dealer only as Stephanie.

I've got to admit, it was pretty cool signing all those emails as Stephanie Bensinger.

Addendum: I just sent off an email to the Italian company whose planes I import, laying everything out. They are the last people that I needed to come out to, and it's been hanging heavily over my head for quite a while. It was causing a lot of anxiety and it's past time to be done with it one way or another. I have no idea how Italians take such things, but soon I'll have some resolution to it, and can move forward.

I'm nervous as I wait for a reply, but the weight of hiding it is now gone.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 18, 2018, 02:01:06 AM
I think this is very important - gaining closure on an important business question, another milestone in your transition.  It really will come down to the individuals involved, but in a competitive industry it's quite likely the people you have been working with overseas are quite open minded.  That's one of the requirements for being a true entrepreneur. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 02:18:47 AM
Quote from: Kendra on January 18, 2018, 02:01:06 AM
I think this is very important - gaining closure on an important business question, another milestone in your transition.  It really will come down to the individuals involved, but in a competitive industry it's quite likely the people you have been working with overseas are quite open minded.  That's one of the requirements for being a true entrepreneur.

Thanks Kendra. I guess it was the one last river to cross. Things haven't been going all that well with them for a while anyway, so it won't be a huge loss if they kick me to the curb. I was actually ready to send them a resignation rather than come out to them, but receiving four inquiries in the space of a few weeks after nothing for over a year got my attention.

Now good grief, girlfriend, get some sleep. I think you have a busy schedule in the morning. Or do you just plan to sleep through it and let someone else do all the work?

Say Hi to Saha for me. He was nice when we talked here.

See you on the other side.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 07:22:01 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 01:03:07 AM
After letting my business go mostly dormant for the last six months, I'm finally getting my act together. For some reason, within the last week or so I've gotten four inquiries for the plane I import, which is huge, but I've been so preoccupied that I've been neglecting them.

Well, tonight I finally sat down and returned the messages. Three of them were people I've had contact with in the past so I had no choice except than to out myself to them. We'll see what kind of reaction I get.

First response received. He's a business owner who had one of his employees transition on the job. He knows all about it, and described the situation with no misgendering. He wants a quote.

Yay!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 18, 2018, 07:30:16 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 07:22:01 AM
First response received. He's a business owner who had one of his employees transition on the job. He knows all about it, and described the situation with no misgendering. He wants a quote.

Yay!

Yay!

Like I told my Wife yesterday, "The world is full of us, we're going to take over".
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 18, 2018, 07:31:23 AM
Hmm, I'm following this with interest.  I think you know of my home based business.  Once I am out to the world it will be the only female owned business of that type in the world.  I'm afraid my transition may overshadow the product.  Gotta be done though.  We have a convention soon where I will be releasing the first big product and that will be the time.  Eef, too much pressure.

Are you the only female owned plane importer?

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 08:55:38 AM
Quote from: Faith on January 18, 2018, 07:30:16 AM
Yay!

Like I told my Wife yesterday, "The world is full of us, we're going to take over".

And gosh, it looks like they're going to let us! I just got a second response. This guy still wants a quote, too, and addressed his email to Stephanie. I had to smile, because his name is Steve, and he signed it in capital letters.  :D

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 08:57:18 AM
Quote from: Bari Jo on January 18, 2018, 07:31:23 AMAre you the only female owned plane importer?

I doubt it, but I couldn't actually name another one.

So far so good, Bari Jo. And I would think in your field, you'd get even less pushback than I would.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 09:45:25 AM
Quote from: Bari Jo on January 18, 2018, 07:31:23 AM
Hmm, I'm following this with interest.  I think you know of my home based business.  Once I am out to the world it will be the only female owned business of that type in the world.  I'm afraid my transition may overshadow the product. 

It's starting to look like it's a non-issue. I already have a second reply from the first customer, and it has the potential for a lucrative ongoing contract. It's by far the most promising possibility I've ever had, and it's for the company run by me, Stephanie.

The product is what it's all about, and money talks. I looks like you've got nothing to worry about. If people respect your work, everything else seems to be secondary.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 18, 2018, 09:53:29 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 09:45:25 AM
It's starting to look like it's a non-issue. I already have a second reply from the first customer, and it has the potential for a lucrative ongoing contract. It's by far the most promising possibility I've ever had, and it's for the company run by me, Stephanie.

The product is what it's all about, and money talks. I looks like you've got nothing to worry about. If people respect your work, everything else seems to be secondary.

Stephanie

That's good to hear.  I'm sure I will be posting about my experiences of this when the time comes.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 18, 2018, 11:04:07 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 09:45:25 AM
It's starting to look like it's a non-issue. I already have a second reply from the first customer, and it has the potential for a lucrative ongoing contract. It's by far the most promising possibility I've ever had, and it's for the company run by me, Stephanie.

The product is what it's all about, and money talks. I looks like you've got nothing to worry about. If people respect your work, everything else seems to be secondary.

Stephanie
That's great news Steph. The product and your workmanship speak for themselves. People aren't interested in who is selling what. They are interested in the product and how much it will cost them. If they are gonna buy, they're gonna buy.....it just makes the process smoother and more enjoyable when the seller is a nice person.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 18, 2018, 01:03:44 PM
I am glad that issue is sorting itself out.  If you are the best at what you do, customers will know that and appreciate it, no matter what happens in your personal life.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Mariah on January 18, 2018, 02:23:59 PM
So true. So glad to hear this hurdle has meant so well for you. I know where  I worked when I transitioned it was a non issue as well and they never goofed my name up that I ever recall after coming out as Mariah. Anyways that is fantastic news. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 09:45:25 AM
It's starting to look like it's a non-issue. I already have a second reply from the first customer, and it has the potential for a lucrative ongoing contract. It's by far the most promising possibility I've ever had, and it's for the company run by me, Stephanie.

The product is what it's all about, and money talks. I looks like you've got nothing to worry about. If people respect your work, everything else seems to be secondary.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Mariah on January 18, 2018, 02:26:12 PM
So true. So glad to hear this hurdle has meant so well for you. I know where  I worked when I transitioned it was a non issue as well and they never goofed my name up that I ever recall after coming out as Mariah. Anyways that is fantastic news. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 09:45:25 AM
It's starting to look like it's a non-issue. I already have a second reply from the first customer, and it has the potential for a lucrative ongoing contract. It's by far the most promising possibility I've ever had, and it's for the company run by me, Stephanie.

The product is what it's all about, and money talks. I looks like you've got nothing to worry about. If people respect your work, everything else seems to be secondary.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 11:46:30 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 17, 2018, 03:59:51 PM
Hiya Steph! Well, I'm not sure how I can add to this. You have summarised it all up pretty well. I am very happy you have had such a good day. You are just going about living your life being you. Your constant thoughts of gender are starting to take a back seat and you are just living a normal life. That is awesome! You've done it! You are Stephanie, just another one of the girls. What remains can be classified as logistics, just processes you need to go through. The hard part is done, you have accepted and believe in yourself.

You give me far too much credit. I wish I sported that level of confidence, but the truth is I still get anxious before I go out anywhere, and I'm always mentally preparing myself for the worst in any interaction. And I still get surprised, not just by other people, but even by myself (see the self-dead-naming episode). But yeah, it is slowly getting better. I'm doing things I never would have imagined even 6 months ago. I'm not there yet, but I can see that someday I will be.

QuoteThere is only one problem I see with what you have posted. You know I love planes. Why are you hiding these new aeroplane earrings? (It looks like I also need to teach you how to spell "aeroplane" [emoji16]) Photo please! I want to see those earrings!

I wanted something small I could leave in when I wasn't wearing dangly ones. I can wear these to bed without them being annoying. So here are my "aeroplane" earrings (well, one of them, anyway):

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180119/8779b863ecc32cc8a8306270ef88a992.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 12:15:07 AM
My wife's favorite hobby is playing indoor badminton. Those outside the US will understand that. Those in the States think of dinking a bird over a volleyball net, and the real thing ain't nothin' like that. In any case, while I'm a bit of a homebody and spend my time in the shop and hangar, she meets her friends on the courts and then socializes with them afterwards, sometimes as often as three times a week.

I've met a few of them before, and they and the others who've never met me constantly ask why her "husband" doesn't come to their get-togethers and parties, and wonder what "Steve" is up to. A few years ago I'd occasionally go to a party, but for the last year, for obvious reasons, I've been keeping my distance. My transition isn't something that she feels is necessary to discuss, but in my efforts to clear the decks of any outstanding tripping points, I decided it was time to come clean. So I wrote the following and printed it on postcards for her to distribute. It pretty much speaks for itself:

QuoteHello

I am Sue Xxxxxxx's spouse. A few of you have met me before, and others may have only heard of me and some of my exploits from Sue. I know that some of you have invited me to join you at some of your functions, and I appreciate that. I've been avoiding such things for a very specific reason. For Sue's sake, I feel that I owe you an explanation.

I have been suffering with a medical condition my entire life. It's something I was born with, and is associated with anxiety, fear, and shame, bad enough that 41% of those with this condition have considered suicide. I had made plans. These problems aren't directly caused by the condition itself, but rather by the way society can treat those who have it. That's the bad news. The good news for me is, with Sue's help and blessing, after fifty years of suffering I finally asked for help, and I am undergoing treatment to address the condition. It is going very very well, and I have never been happier in my entire life.

This does lead to the awkwardness, though. The diagnosis from both a therapist and a medical doctor both agreed with what I'd known my entire life: I had been suffering from a condition called gender dysphoria. In other words, I am transgender. To address this, I am undergoing the only effective treatment available for the condition: I began medically-supervised transition from male to female last June.

It is exactly what I needed. My outlook on life has turned around 180 degrees. I never knew that this level of joy and contentment was even an option.

Since then I have legally changed my name and gender with both the federal and state governments, and have begun living full-time in my new role. My name is Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, Steph to my friends.

You should know that Sue and I still love each other very much and will be staying together. My newfound happiness has smoothed many old wrinkles in our relationship, and it's stronger now than ever.

Regardless how you view me or my condition, I ask that you continue to treat Sue well. She is still the same wonderfully silly person you all know. And I am now comfortable enough as myself that if you like, I am willing to attend one of your get-togethers. Let Sue know, and I'll come along some time so we can meet.

As I move into my Happy New Life, I believe that 2018 will be a Happy New Year for me. I wish the same for you, too.

Steph
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 12:22:53 AM
Steph, that is a nice letter to Sue's friends. It covers everything about you while keeping Sue's well-being in mind. Hopefully the letter and you are accepted by her friends and more importantly, Sue is not treated any differently. I see no reason for it not to go smoothly.

BTW, I love the plane earrings. I want my own!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 12:29:41 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 12:22:53 AM
BTW, I love the plane earrings. I want my own!

Here ya go: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01MREECFK/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01MREECFK/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 19, 2018, 12:50:08 AM
 Well hell (Step(han)(ie,)

It looks well written but then you do seem to have the gift of gab in printed form. I have no such talent for the written word. So I'm not a real judge but what the hey it looks good to me.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 19, 2018, 06:09:13 AM
Quote from: Laurie on January 19, 2018, 12:50:08 AM
Well hell (Step(han)(ie,)

It looks well written but then you do seem to have the gift of gab in printed form. I have no such talent for the written word. So I'm not real judge but what the hey it looks good to me.

Hugs,
  Laurie

ain't that the truth. Steph can make a short story long without stopping for a breath. (I say that lovingly and with a smile)


Steph, very nice letter. Something doesn't flow right for me but it's too early for me to figure it out. It's not the content itself, maybe the order of presentation.  I'll ponder it over coffee.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 11:55:53 AM
I admit I do like to write, and once I get going it's hard to reign it in. I guess my excuse is that this thread has become my de facto journal, so I'm writing mostly for myself, with an open invitation for you all to look over my shoulder.

If you think this letter is long, you should have seen the first draft. I had to really weed it out to fit it on a postcard in a typeface large enough to be read by retirees, and it took up both sides.

On occasion I wax erudite and eloquent.

Other times I not write good.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 12:03:16 PM
Almost ready for the Ren Faire...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180119/731645f5b5b1441ffd715fa4268976cd.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 12:31:46 PM
What are all these Ren Fairs I keep reading about. Is it an American thing?

Cool outfit!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 19, 2018, 12:34:20 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 12:31:46 PM
What are all these Ren Fairs I keep reading about. Is it an American thing?

Cool outfit!

Ren fairs are cool.  I went to the one in Texas last year.  They had knights and jousting contests on horse back.  Mead with bees hovering :)

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 19, 2018, 12:35:14 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 12:03:16 PM
Almost ready for the Ren Faire...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180119/731645f5b5b1441ffd715fa4268976cd.jpg)

Stephanie

Nice outfit Repunzel.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 19, 2018, 01:36:42 PM
This is how' I will forever picture you now:)  very nice!

You could wear that to work here, BTW!

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 01:46:59 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on January 19, 2018, 01:36:42 PM
This is how' I will forever picture you now:)  very nice!

You could wear that to work here, BTW!

Cute but impractical. The sleeves kinda get in the way, and I keep tripping on the hem. I was going to say I have to duck to get that hat through a door, but dang I'm short.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on January 19, 2018, 02:22:51 PM
So, are these your flying clothes? Liked the note, it's as short as you get Steph.
Deputy Moanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on January 19, 2018, 02:23:25 PM
I was wondering if this was to be your new pilot's uniform. I would expect that some of those experimental aircraft would require some witchery (the good kind of course) to keep them in the air.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 19, 2018, 02:23:46 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 01:46:59 PM
Cute but impractical. The sleeves kinda get in the way, and I keep tripping on the hem. I was going to say I have to duck to get that hat through a door, but dang I'm short.

Where's your wand?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:27:00 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 12:31:46 PM
What are all these Ren Fairs I keep reading about. Is it an American thing?

http://www.bayarearenfest.com (http://www.bayarearenfest.com)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:29:39 PM
Quote from: Cali on January 19, 2018, 02:23:46 PM
Where's your wand?

I don't like to think about that, thank you very much.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:30:55 PM
Quote from: HappyMoni on January 19, 2018, 02:22:51 PM
So, are these your flying clothes? Liked the note, it's as short as you get Steph.
Deputy Moanie

The dress is billowy enough that on windy days I don't need an airplane to fly.

There goes somebody else calling me short.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 02:31:22 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:27:00 PM
http://www.bayarearenfest.com (http://www.bayarearenfest.com)
Sounds like fun. I haven't heard of such events here.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 02:34:11 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:30:55 PM
The dress is billowy enough that on windy days I don't need an airplane to fly.

There goes somebody else calling me short.
Is that why you chose an outfit with such a tall hat?

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:37:13 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 02:34:11 PM
Is that why you chose an outfit with such a tall hat?

It's so I can be found in a crowd.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on January 19, 2018, 02:37:28 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:30:55 PM
The dress is billowy enough that on windy days I don't need an airplane to fly.

There goes somebody else calling me short.
Short words Hon, short in words. I know you are tall in the saddle of your plane, especially the ones with ejector saddles.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:41:58 PM
Quote from: HappyMoni on January 19, 2018, 02:37:28 PM
I know you are tall in the saddle of your plane, especially the ones with ejector saddles.

I'm very tall when I'm on the fridge.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 03:07:41 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:41:58 PM
I'm very tall when I'm on the fridge.
Are you back on the fridge again? I think you like it up there. There has got to be a stash of chocolate there, yes, that's it!

Chocolate? Did someone say chocolate? Mmmmmmm

Um, ahhh.......what was I saying? I got distracted. Oh yes, chocolate, you can store lots of chocolate in that hat. Who said chocolate..........

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 03:10:57 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 03:07:41 PM
Are you back on the fridge again? I think you like it up there. There has got to be a stash of chocolate there, yes, that's it!

I'm reminded of the dogs in the movie Up! when someone says "SQUIRREL!"

No, I'm not on the fridge right now. It may have been all of the chocolate over the holidays, but I've put on almost 10 lbs lately, and I don't think Laurie can lift me.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 19, 2018, 04:42:47 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 03:10:57 PM
I'm reminded of the dogs in the movie Up! when someone says "SQUIRREL!"

No, I'm not on the fridge right now. It may have been all of the chocolate over the holidays, but I've put on almost 10 lbs lately, and I don't think Laurie can lift me.
SQUIRREL!!! Where? Did someone say SQUIRREL?????

I think Laurie is stubborn enough that she would find a way to lift you no matter how much chocolate you eat. Be werry, werry quiet......

Mmmmmm chocolate, I need chocolate.......

Forgive me, I'm feeling a little silly this morning. [emoji12]🤪[emoji15][emoji515][emoji515][emoji515][emoji515][emoji517][emoji517][emoji517]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 20, 2018, 12:01:42 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 18, 2018, 01:03:07 AMI just sent off an email to the Italian company whose planes I import, laying everything out. They are the last people that I needed to come out to, and it's been hanging heavily over my head for quite a while. It was causing a lot of anxiety and it's past time to be done with it one way or another. I have no idea how Italians take such things, but soon I'll have some resolution to it, and can move forward.

I'm nervous as I wait for a reply, but the weight of hiding it is now gone.

Reply from Italy:

QuoteCiao Steph,

no problem! We are happy for you if you have realized your dream and you are ready to start business!

[other business stuff]

So I'm wishing you all the best and hoping to receive your e-mails asap and during the next future!

Ciao
Xxxxx

How do you spell relief?

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 20, 2018, 12:21:41 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 20, 2018, 12:01:42 AM
Reply from Italy:

How do you spell relief?

Stephanie
Awesome!

This is great news Steph. I was pretty sure that you were going to get a favourable response but you never know. It comes down to the individual at the other end. Great result!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 20, 2018, 01:35:41 AM
Wow, even more niceness, in an email to my wife from her sister's husband:

QuoteI am pleased to hear that you are working your way through Steph's transition in terms of paperwork, etc. and hope the change leads you both to happier and more fulfilling lives. Wishing you both all the best from this old man.  Love Xxxxx

You know what? Most people are pretty dang cool...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 20, 2018, 01:46:55 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 20, 2018, 01:35:41 AM
Wow, even more niceness, in an email to my wife from her sister's husband:

You know what? Most people are pretty dang cool...

Stephanie

Wow!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cindy on January 20, 2018, 01:52:04 AM
Steph,

I remember my early days and sending a letter to my financial advisor. He is a lovely guy but an enormous, rugby playing, car enthusiast, man's man. Who knows his financials.
Anyhow I sent a letter

Dear XX

I have had a legal name to Cindy etc. Please change all of my policies etc into my new name.
Oh I have also changed my gender to female. Could you please update your records.

ps. I bet you have never had a letter like this.

The reply.

Dear Cindy,
I have updated all of the records as needed.

I and all of the staff wish you all the best and great happiness.
You are correct I have never had a letter like that before. May I remove your name from it, frame the letter and display it on my office wall?

My Love and best wishes

XXX

Most people are absolutely lovely. In fact transitioning is a very good way to decide who you will do business with.  I have had some very good experiences in that line since my early days and I know who I can trust with anything.


You can now go back to your usual program
Cindy ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 20, 2018, 02:02:31 AM
Quote from: Cindy on January 20, 2018, 01:52:04 AM
Steph,

I remember my early days and sending a letter to my financial advisor. He is a lovely guy but an enormous, rugby playing, car enthusiast, man's man. Who knows his financials.
Anyhow I sent a letter

Dear XX

I have had a legal name to Cindy etc. Please change all of my policies etc into my new name.
Oh I have also changed my gender to female. Could you please update your records.

ps. I bet you have never had a letter like this.

The reply.

Dear Cindy,
I have updated all of the records as needed.

I and all of the staff wish you all the best and great happiness.
You are correct I have never had a letter like that before. May I remove your name it, frame the letter and display it on my office wall?

My Love and best wishes

XXX

Most people are absolutely lovely. In fact transitioning is a very good way to decide who you will do business with.  I have had some very good experiences in that line since my early days and I know who I can trust with anything.


You can now go back to your usual program
Cindy ;D

I love it! I always get too darn serious and clinical when I write those letters. I never thought to have fun with it as you did. The way you handled it was very cool, as was the reply!

Out of the four customers I've written, two congratulated me, wished me the best, and carried on with our business; one went another direction for unrelated reasons, and one has gone silent. Interestingly, the one who has disappeared was the one most persistent beforehand. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh, and my "usual program" is watching for neat comments like yours...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on January 20, 2018, 02:30:23 AM
Steph,  you're looking... Magical! [emoji16]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 20, 2018, 06:28:06 AM
Steph I am glad to see the response from your primary business connection is exactly as it should be.  Right on!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 20, 2018, 06:31:11 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 19, 2018, 02:41:58 PM
I'm very tall when I'm on the fridge.

Psssst!  I saw the refrigerator in Florida on New Years - it's a mini-fridge, counter height.   :P
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on January 20, 2018, 06:37:28 AM
Quote from: Kendra on January 20, 2018, 06:31:11 AM
Psssst!  I saw the refrigerator in Florida on New Years - it's a mini-fridge, counter height.   [emoji11]
Busted! [emoji23]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 20, 2018, 07:56:11 AM
Quote from: Kendra on January 20, 2018, 06:31:11 AM
Psssst!  I saw the refrigerator in Florida on New Years - it's a mini-fridge, counter height.   :P

Still taller than me.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 20, 2018, 12:03:13 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 20, 2018, 07:56:11 AM
Still taller than me.


- Stephanie

Aye, beware of the wee folk!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 20, 2018, 12:42:11 PM
Quote from: Cali on January 20, 2018, 12:03:13 PM
Aye, beware of the wee folk!!!!!!

Don't get us wet, and don't feed us after midnight.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 20, 2018, 02:29:00 PM
I heard chocolate. Did someone say something about chocolate?? [emoji15]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 20, 2018, 03:30:28 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 20, 2018, 02:29:00 PM
I heard chocolate. Did someone say something about chocolate?? [emoji15]
Chocolate! I'm sure I heard someone say chocolate.  Is it true that if you catch one of the wee folk, they have to give you chocolate?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 20, 2018, 03:42:05 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 20, 2018, 03:30:28 PM
Is it true that if you catch one of the wee folk, they have to give you chocolate?
I don't know. They only have little legs so couldn't run very fast, let's go catch one!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 20, 2018, 05:39:46 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 20, 2018, 03:42:05 PM
I don't know. They only have little legs so couldn't run very fast, let's go catch one!

Aye Lass, and they be chocolate gold coins!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 22, 2018, 11:15:42 AM
don't mind me as I wander though, I'm just looking for wild chocolate.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 22, 2018, 11:20:31 AM
Quote from: Faith on January 22, 2018, 11:15:42 AM
don't mind me as I wander though, I'm just looking for wild chocolate.

Look on the fridge
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 26, 2018, 10:41:55 PM
Apologies in advance for the length (Laurie!), but I want to remember - and share - every nuance of this incredible chapter of my life. And if you're reading this with Tapatalk, you'll probably have to tell it to show "web view" to see it all.

Off To See Our Kendra
That Wonderful Kendra of Ours


Episode I
Wherein our heroines concoct a conspiracy, craft a crazy card, and crash a convalescence.

Well, I'm still trying to absorb the enormity of what happened last weekend. The initial purpose was to surprise Kendra and meet a few other people from Susan's, and it blossomed into something so wonderful and unique in my experience that I'll remember it the rest of my life. The term watershed moment comes to mind.

After Kendra sprung her amazing surprise visit on me at my party on New Year's Eve, I felt the need for a little payback. I knew about all the serious things she had planned for this year, and since only one of them would be in the US, it was the default choice for a time to surprise her. I started looking into travel to Scottsdale.

I mentioned it to my best friend Cassie, and asked if she'd be interested in going along. She was involved with the conspiracy to get Kendra here to my party, and hung out with us while Kendra visited. She was all for accompanying me, so I lined up a flight, hotel, and rentawreck, with arrival set for a few days after Kendra's GCS surgery with Dr. Ley on January 18th. Somewhere along the way, when I was passing PM notes under the desk to Tia Anne, I told her about my plan, and she decided that there was no way she was going to miss this, and started to make her own travel plans.

I started thinking about a congratulations/birthday card for Kendra, and thought about all the people here who love her so much. Why not get some of them to sign the card? But how the heck can I do that when they're literally all over the world? I came up with a short list of people who I knew, who also knew Kendra. And I waited until Kendra was under anesthesia on January 18th to contact them via PM, so she couldn't hear us whispering. I told them what I was up to, and asked for short greetings and quotes that I could put in the card from them. One by one messages of love and best wishes came in over the next few days. The evening before we left, I assigned a different font and color to each, printed them out, and did some old-school cutting-and-pasting into the card.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/0cdfad0b6cb54ebc4c29614f15a6642c.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/a717145bf309a7773118a33458f9d81d.jpg)

The conspiracy was complete, and plans were in place. Other than staying up late, fretting over what to pack, I was ready to go. It was time to execute. We got up very very early on January 21st to get to the airport for a 7:20am flight.

And this is where the one of the most amazing adventures of my life really began.

This would be my first trip as Stephanie with my new ID, on my own (that is, without Sue to run interference for me), and via public transportation - with strangers all around, and serious security to get through. It would be Cassie's first flight in about 12 years, which meant it was also her first as Cassie. I can't speak for her, but I was a nervous wreck when Sue dropped us off at the airport. We checked our baggage with some help from an agent (not a secret one, thank goodness), which forced the issue on using my "voice" for the first time. Apparently it worked. No hassle or strange looks so far. Off we went to security.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/553a0c38ccf22e6bb01352eb7836d4e0.jpg)

We had luckily drawn TSA Pre-Check passes, so the lines were short, we didn't have to take off shoes, belts, etc. and the scanner was just a metal detector, not the "naked scanners" we were both apprehensive about. I whizzed right on through. Cassie got a bling bing from the scanner, but it was a quick check, I assume with a wand, and we were on our way to the gate, with a quick slide into Starbucks for breakfast. So far everyone had been completely professional and there was no weirdness at all. I started to think maybe I could do this thing. Again I had to use my voice to talk to the gate agent when I couldn't find my boarding pass on my phone, and again, no issues. Onto the plane - I got the window seat - nyah nyah Cassie - and off for the 1500 nautical mile slog to PHX. I tracked us occasionally with the GPS navigation software on my tablet.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/073b447d7ab2e87a393b9b42738bce34.jpg)

Landing in PHX, I did some back seat driving (15 rows back) to help the pilot land - Cassie noticed me pulling back on the flight stick (c'mon c'mon, you're in ground effect, flare, flare, hold it off...) and with my help he made a smooth landing. Phew. Good thing I was there. We were nice and early.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/915d9d356f8a674db78d5ffe770f8bb0.jpg)

So early, in fact, that our gate was still occupied by some rude dude in a big airplane. By the time they finally towed away the guy in our parking place, we were only on time anyway.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/98e34eb4cc00fe6d571abd36222670ac.jpg)

Off the plane and off to the baggage carousel. Time to see how Tia's doing.

Tia Anne was flying in from Colorado, and there was a possibility that her plane would be grounded by a blizzard. We were relieved to hear that it had gotten out, though it was late because it took so long for deicing. It worked out well for our schedule, though. While we were standing at the carousel waiting for our luggage to come around on the gee-tar, I spied a tall lady in a pink top and patterned skirt on the other side typing into her phone. When mine went "ping" I knew who I was looking at, and was very impressed! Wow, we get to hang out with this classy lady? She's gonna make us all look good! We met and hugged, and waited for our luggage. And waited. And the carousel stopped. All done. Uh oh. Time to put the voice to the test again. While I was talking to an agent at the help desk (with no strangeness again), Cassie found our bags on a different carousel. Whew. Time to troop off to U-Push-It to pick up the rentacar.

It's been a long time since I've rented a car, and the company whose cars are all in pain (Hurts) uses video kiosks now. Based on the image on the screen, the guy at the other end seemed to be in Yosemite or something, though we all knew he was in a cube in Peoria. I signed my life away, using the correct name and ID of course, and we went looking for the car. After having to talk to someone yet again, we got to choose a mid-size hybrid. Time to see what Phoenix, Tempe, and Scottsdale were all about. Tia was pretty familiar with town, having had her GCS with the same doc that Kendra was using, and directed us to lunch at a pretty cool Jimmy-Buffett-Margaritaville-styled restaurant called Rehab Burger Therapy, appropriately named since it was right across the street from the Greeenbaum Surgical Center, where Kendra innocently and unknowingly awaited our arrival.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/7e0f429128a675117c602c65c7574d28.jpg)

After an Arizona lunch that couldn't be beat, we girded our loins and prepared to do battle with the entry doors and nurse's station at the hospital.

Since it was a Sunday, everything was locked. As we buzzed for the nurse, Cassie tried the RFID key from her job, and click, we were in! After taking the heffalator to the second floor, my nurse Cassie asked whether I had the congrats/birthday card with me. Good thing she keeps me on a short leash. Back down to the car and back up with the card. Now we're ready. Turn right from the elevator and into the hallway and...

There's a cute dark haired lady walking (not shuffling, walking) down the hall toward us. We all stopped. You could hear crickets. The lady's jaw hit the ground. And stayed there. I got a good look at her tongue piercing, and held out my arms. Look who's here! Either Tia or Cassie said, "Breathe!" We all started consuming oxygen again, and incoherency ensued.

We finally went to Kendra's room. I was anxious for Kendra to open her card and see all the greetings inside, but she just held it in her lap and shook her head in amazement. I was about ready to explode. She finally opened it up... and all that love came busting out. She lost it, as I did, too.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/e1da609c9ab5d640442e424f67e5d4ac.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/290623fb5e778ac8e0dab82911861236.jpg)

Kendra's dear friend Denise was waiting in the room when we got there. She was pretty cool, and the strings that bind her to Kendra were obvious for all to see. While she was the only ciswoman in the room, she joined in our open and uninhibited conversation about where we all were, where we were going, and how we felt about it. Dena arrived, then Mariah and Jamie.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180127/1e274712947ba478442db75332a6c84a.jpg)

While learning more about everyone, I realized that out of all the exceptional people in that room that day I feel that I have accomplished the least and have the furthest to go. I'm in awe of all of them, and am deeply honored that they so eagerly accept me into their company.

Finally, everyone's springs ran down and we needed to let Kendra get some rest. We left for the evening with a tentative plan to meet up again on Tuesday before our flight out. Cassie and I dropped Tia off at her hotel and headed for the room we were splitting. Another interaction at the front desk with my voice and new ID, and into the room, where we crashed so hard they heard the thud back in Florida.

We both ended up awake again around midnight with rumbling bellies and curiosity about the night life in Phoendalempe. Which isn't much on a Sunday night. We ended up at 414 Pizza in Tempe, which features good pizza and bad karaoke. Rolled back to the hotel and crashed again some time around 2am.

And so endeth the first day. Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Steph and Cassie's Excellent Adventure.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on January 26, 2018, 11:25:49 PM
Oh okay I'll let it go this time just because the content was good. Damn it I should have been there!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 26, 2018, 11:36:35 PM
I am still.  Stunned.

That moment walking around the corner down the hallway - 3 days after surgery - my first time outside that room, no clue where the hallway led because I had been brought there after anesthesia.  A hallway from Arizona to Colorado and Florida.

The thoughtfulness of people here is... there is nothing to compare to.  I can barely find the words.  As I keep re-reading that card.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 27, 2018, 09:38:57 AM
Wonderful story for a wonderful lady.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Mariah on January 27, 2018, 10:38:37 AM
Steph I am in awe of you and your journey so far. Your confidence and accomplishments show your really not that far away from those of us who have traveled farther already. It just seems like that when we have so much we want to do ahead of us. Getting to meet both you and Cassie while getting spend much of Monday with both of you was my honor. Thank you for both of you allowing me to do that. The spark and energy that both of you have really is inspiring, energizing and refreshing. I have no doubt your journey will be just as amazing as the rest of ours in the end. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 26, 2018, 10:41:55 PM

While learning more about everyone, I realized that out of all the exceptional people in that room that day I feel that I have accomplished the least and have the furthest to go. I'm in awe of all of them, and am deeply honored that they so eagerly accept me into their company.


Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 27, 2018, 10:59:24 PM
Quote from: Mariah on January 27, 2018, 10:38:37 AM
Steph I am in awe of you and your journey so far. Your confidence and accomplishments show your really not that far away from those of us who have traveled farther already. It just seems like that when we have so much we want to do ahead of us. Getting to meet both you and Cassie while getting spend much of Monday with both of you was my honor. Thank you for both of you allowing me to do that. The spark and energy that both of you have really is inspiring, energizing and refreshing. I have no doubt your journey will be just as amazing as the rest of ours in the end. Hugs
Mariah

Thanks, Mariah, for your kind words. Confidence? Well, if you say so. It doesn't feel like that from in here. Just muddling forward. Admittedly, being among strangers who unquestioningly accepted me as myself, and hanging out with such exceptional people who've been there and done that, put me into a joyful, hopeful mood that could be interpreted as confidence. It's different back here in the real world of constant deadnaming and misgendering by those who I'm closest to.

But it was quite the road trip, wasn't it? I'll be writing more about it when I get a break, but I wanted to acknowledge your kind words first.

Thanks again,

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 27, 2018, 11:46:56 PM
I'll get back to our Phoenix story in a bit, but I wanted to fill you all in on today's happening.

You may remember that, to my surprise, I was voted back in as president of our Experimental Aircraft Association chapter. Many chapters host fly-ins, where folks fly their planes in to share a meal and each other's company. My chapter hosts a couple of them a year. We serve a great breakfast that's well-regarded throughout Florida, and all profits go toward a flight training scholarship program we've created.

Today was the first one I hosted as my new self.

Nervous? You bet. Though I'd outed myself to a few people at our last fly-in on Halloween weekend, I'd been in costume, and I'm sure a lot of people thought it was just an act. This time I expected to see a lot of other pilots I know who'd either not been at the last fly-in, or didn't take my presentation then seriously. Cassie stayed at our place last night so she could attend and act as moral support if needed. I got myself fixed up and looking as good as possible given the venue, to make sure people knew I was serious about this, and had a nice name tag engraved that said Stephanie Bensinger.

It turned out to be a non-issue. Those who already knew and were supportive used the right name and pronouns, people that I know who didn't know my situation didn't make a fuss, and those who I've never met seemed to just accept me as Stephanie. I didn't have to actually make my coming-out speech to anyone. I think word may have gotten around - a friend who visits other airports just to hang out told me that at two different places, when he mentioned our airport, he was told, "Oh, the place where Steve/Steph is? Yeah, I know both of them." Kind of a silly way of putting it, but at least not negative.

Toward the end of the fly-in, a guy brought in a camera that had been on a tripod recording the takeoffs and landings, and which had blown over in the increasing wind. He was trying to find the owner (it was on a tag on the camera), and walked up to me. He asked if I was Laura, then saw my name tag, and said, "Oh, sorry, you're Stephanie!" and moved on. I'll count that as a pass.

So after all the fretting, it turned out OK. Here's me and Cassie at the fly-in.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/tbunhuiqh6buf9q/flyin.jpg?raw=1)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 28, 2018, 06:57:26 AM
I am glad that major public event went well for you.  My experience is that people involved in that kind of group value experience and expertise as much as personal contact.  If you have those and do a halfway reasonable job of the personal contact (as I am sure you do), you are not going to have problems.

So I am not surprised that it went well.

Lovely pic!  The airplane is not bad, too.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 28, 2018, 02:05:26 PM
Wow - quite a day!  And a great prop for your photo.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 28, 2018, 02:07:30 PM
Quote from: Kendra on January 28, 2018, 02:05:26 PM
Wow - quite a day!  And a great prop for your photo.
And the master of puns has returned! Welcome back Kendra.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Mariah on January 28, 2018, 05:40:25 PM
True those things really do have a way of shaking us and taking our confidence from us. I'm fortunate enough that no one here knows my dead name. The misgendering on the other happens and that used to really shake me. It takes time to really get to that comfortable point and to be honest I only reached that point in regards to my reaction to things like misgendering as a result of Jamie. Yep, a real quick road trip. Your so very welcome. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 27, 2018, 10:59:24 PM
Thanks, Mariah, for your kind words. Confidence? Well, if you say so. It doesn't feel like that from in here. Just muddling forward. Admittedly, being among strangers who unquestioningly accepted me as myself, and hanging out with such exceptional people who've been there and done that, put me into a joyful, hopeful mood that could be interpreted as confidence. It's different back here in the real world of constant deadnaming and misgendering by those who I'm closest to.

But it was quite the road trip, wasn't it? I'll be writing more about it when I get a break, but I wanted to acknowledge your kind words first.

Thanks again,

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 29, 2018, 07:06:03 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 28, 2018, 02:07:30 PM
And the master of puns has returned! Welcome back Kendra.

> And the master mistress of puns has returned! 
:laugh:  Thanks!
...and if anyone asks I tell them I have a Mistress of Business Administration degree. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 29, 2018, 01:51:19 PM
Just surprised myself. I came in from the shop, all sweaty, with my hair up in a clip, my old glasses (which I've been told are too masculine), and two days of stubble, and glanced in the mirror. Dang!

Maybe nobody else in the world can see it, but I'm feeling good about myself today, and that's what counts, right?

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180129/ec198846a3e49c3a39d3ef4effd747cb.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 29, 2018, 02:09:06 PM
I see it too. That is a nice photo, Steph.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on January 29, 2018, 02:10:41 PM
I just see Stephanie!  Something is working well for you...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 29, 2018, 02:15:02 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 29, 2018, 01:51:19 PM
Just surprised myself. I came in from the shop, all sweaty, with my hair up in a clip, my old glasses (which I've been told are too masculine), and two days of stubble, and glanced in the mirror. Dang!

Maybe nobody else in the world can see it, but I'm feeling good about myself today, and that's what counts, right?

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180129/ec198846a3e49c3a39d3ef4effd747cb.jpg)

Stephanie
I see it too.  "Dang!" is right!  Looking good!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 29, 2018, 02:15:36 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 29, 2018, 01:51:19 PM
Just surprised myself. I came in from the shop, all sweaty, with my hair up in a clip, my old glasses (which I've been told are too masculine), and two days of stubble, and glanced in the mirror. Dang!

Maybe nobody else in the world can see it, but I'm feeling good about myself today, and that's what counts, right?

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180129/ec198846a3e49c3a39d3ef4effd747cb.jpg)

Stephanie

Nice!  Are you going to start Wing Walking too?  Just kidding - I'm sick.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 29, 2018, 03:41:16 PM
Aww. You're all so nice. I've got a topper, though. Today I got my first junk mail addressed to Stephanie.

yay [emoji19]


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 29, 2018, 03:44:00 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 29, 2018, 03:41:16 PM
Aww. You're all so nice. I've got a topper, though. Today I got my first junk mail addressed to Stephanie.

yay [emoji19]


- Stephanie

OMG!  Be prepared for a lot of junk mail.  Once you're on their list your on dozens!!!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Mariah on January 29, 2018, 03:55:11 PM
Yes it is and I see it too. Beautiful picture of you.
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 29, 2018, 01:51:19 PM
Just surprised myself. I came in from the shop, all sweaty, with my hair up in a clip, my old glasses (which I've been told are too masculine), and two days of stubble, and glanced in the mirror. Dang!

Maybe nobody else in the world can see it, but I'm feeling good about myself today, and that's what counts, right?

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180129/ec198846a3e49c3a39d3ef4effd747cb.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 30, 2018, 07:30:24 AM
KathyLauren had posted the following in her thread, and I replied there with more me me me. I realized that was rude, so I moved my reply here where I can be me me me as much as I want without annoying too many people.  ;D

QuoteSo this is my first peek at the rest of my life.  Meeting friends for lunch.  Going grocery shopping.  Going to the theatre.  Taking the car in for servicing.  Getting used to myself just being me, rather than transitioning.

I'm kind of digging it!   

I so look forward to that day. I had a small taste of it the last two days as I cleaned up 6 months of "active neglect" in my shop and hangar while I was overwhelmingly preoccupied with the early days of transition. I no longer have the luxury of pretending I'm retired and sitting at the computer all day doing research on transitioning, staying caught up in Susan's, texting my girlfriends, doing lunch. Getting back to work feels so familiar and so weird at the same time.

But while it seems so ordinary, there are still plenty of transition-related things to figure out. Some are prosaic, like what do I wear to work in the shop now that I've purged all my boy clothes? I used to just tie my hair back in a ponytail and always wore a baseball cap, but that's all so distasteful to me now. I'm learning how to keep my hair out of the way and have it still look feminine. What do I wear  to meet the customer that shows my newfound femininity, yet still shows I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty working on planes? Will I be able to sustain my voice for the entire meeting?

One thing I'm learning the painful way is my fingernails are a lot weaker than they used to be, and despite wearing work gloves as much as possible, these two days of work have completely wrecked them.

The reason I'm back in the shop is I'm preparing for my first face-to-face customer interaction as he visits to take a look at the plane I import and sell. It's the first serious work-related thing I'm doing as my new self, and I'm surprised I'm not more nervous about it. Maybe I am starting to truly understand who I am.

So here I am, putting the final touches on the shop while listening to Free Beer at Exit 80 on the stereo, wearing my mom jeans, a short sleeve scoop-neck top (which shows off what little endowments I can display) and my hair up in a claw clip. Like you, I'm kind of digging it. As I told my therapist last week, I think this is the new normal.

Wish me luck for tomorrow! (Note that as I post this, tomorrow is today...)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on January 30, 2018, 08:10:48 AM
I think it is amazing how such a major upheaval in our lives quickly normalizes.  Good luck with your impending sale!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 30, 2018, 10:01:29 AM
Work feeling normal and weird at the same time.  I know that feeling.  I'm hoping it normalizes soon.  I am used to being hyper focused and I'm not.

BTW, for nails take biotin, and do a base and top coat with hardener.  Have I mentioned I love doing my nails?  I do!  I still chip them occasionally, but much more rare than before.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 30, 2018, 10:36:29 AM
Well, the customer visit went very well. He pulled in when I was walking to the shop, said, "Hi, are you Stephanie?" and from that point on we were just two aviation enthusiasts talking airplanes for two hours. Only time will tell if it will turn into a sale, and there was only one minor slip-up when he saw the avionics that I sell, and said, "Ah, so you're an xxx guy!" Eh, whatever. My personal life was never part of the conversation, and I wasn't about to bring it up. Everything else was fine, and it was fun talking with him.

Another hurdle jumped...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 30, 2018, 10:45:07 AM
Quote from: Bari Jo on January 30, 2018, 10:01:29 AM
Work feeling normal and weird at the same time.  I know that feeling.  I'm hoping it normalizes soon.  I am used to being hyper focused and I'm not.

BTW, for nails take biotin, and do a base and top coat with hardener.  Have I mentioned I love doing my nails?  I do!  I still chip them occasionally, but much more rare than before.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo,

Yes, I do take biotin, but only 2/3 the dose they recommend. Maybe I should bump it up.

Since I got back from Phoenix I've been without polish, and that's probably a mistake. The polish would not only help protect them, but it would also discourage me from nibbling on them, a terrible habit I used to have for years when I got nervous, and somehow fell back into last week. So they're lavender now, and I'll hope I can keep them looking decent. The main problem I have is finding the time to let them cure properly, since I seem to so rarely stop moving long enough. Lately I've been attempting to paint them just before I crawl into bed at night, and take care to not smear them on the sheets.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on January 30, 2018, 11:45:54 AM
Quote from: Bari Jo on January 30, 2018, 10:01:29 AM
Work feeling normal and weird at the same time.  I know that feeling.  I'm hoping it normalizes soon.  I am used to being hyper focused and I'm not.

BTW, for nails take biotin, and do a base and top coat with hardener.  Have I mentioned I love doing my nails?  I do!  I still chip them occasionally, but much more rare than before.

Bari Jo

HR Meeting??????
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on January 30, 2018, 12:31:07 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 30, 2018, 10:36:29 AM
Another hurdle jumped...

In my opinion this has huge significance.  Becoming comfortable with so many details of transition to the point you are able to focus on a potential customer, your passion for aircraft and resume regular business operations.  All those details the casual observer doesn't see or comprehend, developed on layers of discovery, failure and success.  Can I say built on the right airframe of mind. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 30, 2018, 12:43:35 PM
Quote from: Kendra on January 30, 2018, 12:31:07 PMCan I say built on the right airframe of mind.

Well, I geared up for it and just kind of winged it, and things just took off from there.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on January 31, 2018, 08:45:29 AM
Way to go Steph, at least one of us isn't crash landing. I'm attempting a touch-and-go see if I can't get back up where I belong.

Sorry, this is about you. I really am happy for you, keep your gear up and out of the trees.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 31, 2018, 09:24:02 AM
Quote from: Cassi on January 30, 2018, 11:45:54 AM
HR Meeting??????

I had it, went well, didn't want to talk about it in Steph's thread:)  Thanks for asking though.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on January 31, 2018, 09:33:20 AM
Ooh, lavender polish.  I may also do that.  Thanks for the idea.  I've only worn clear so far, but I'm itching for color.  I'm following your lead big sister:)

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 31, 2018, 10:26:35 AM
Quote from: Bari Jo on January 31, 2018, 09:33:20 AM
Ooh, lavender polish.  I may also do that.  Thanks for the idea.  I've only worn clear so far, but I'm itching for color.  I'm following your lead big sister:)

My girlfriend Cassie gave me the lavender at my big party on New Years. It's the two part with the color and a clear coat/hardener. The neat thing about lavender is it's classy without being too noticeable. I was surprised how well it blended in.

Wow, I'm three big sisters now! Awesome!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on January 31, 2018, 03:18:45 PM
Hiya Steph. I'm getting online for short periods at a time, so really only get to catch up one or two threads each time. I'm glad you are starting to get into a "normal" kind of groove with your daily life. That is a huge step forward for you. I believe it's the kind of peace we all aim for. It's also great that you are getting busy with your business. I hope you get many orders.

Anyway, I just dropped by to let you know I am still here reading even if I don't get many opportunities to reply.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on January 31, 2018, 03:30:40 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 31, 2018, 03:18:45 PM
Hiya Steph. I'm getting online for short periods at a time, so really only get to catch up one or two threads each time. I'm glad you are starting to get into a "normal" kind of groove with your daily life. That is a huge step forward for you. I believe it's the kind of peace we all aim for. It's also great that you are getting busy with your business. I hope you get many orders.

Anyway, I just dropped by to let you know I am still here reading even if I don't get many opportunities to reply.

Jayne

I'm happy to hear from you, girlfriend! I hope your holiday is going well and you keep smiling!

I just let them shoot a laser at my face again, and this was by far the worst for pain. This is the first time it left marks. Thank goodness for concealer. The good news, I guess, is this is the last laser session. We seem to have killed everything the laser will get, so in a month it's on to electrolysis. Oh joy.

After my pain session I met Cassie for a lady's lunch, got a tour of where she works (it was geekalicious), and met some of her coworkers, who accepted me unquestioningly. Now I'm out sitting on a park bench next to a fountain on a beautiful Florida winter day after walking around this neat little town. I'm whiling away the afternoon before I meet up with Cassie again at the local T-network social meetup this evening.

I'll be darned if it ain't pretty darn cool being me today (despite the sore face).

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180131/68a3ae3ddbf112a247dd9597b219f386.jpg)

Stephanie

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: mm on January 31, 2018, 05:03:34 PM
stephanie, I hope you make the sale.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on January 31, 2018, 06:31:10 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 30, 2018, 10:36:29 AM
Well, the customer visit went very well. He pulled in when I was walking to the shop, said, "Hi, are you Stephanie?" and from that point on we were just two aviation enthusiasts talking airplanes for two hours. Only time will tell if it will turn into a sale, and there was only one minor slip-up when he saw the avionics that I sell, and said, "Ah, so you're an xxx guy!" Eh, whatever. My personal life was never part of the conversation, and I wasn't about to bring it up. Everything else was fine, and it was fun talking with him.

Another hurdle jumped...


- Stephanie

This trying to live a normal live as a trans woman can be full of pain and angst however every now and then we "kick a goal" with our lives and sounds to me like you just did. I agree your personal life is never part of any conversation you don't want it to be.

Knowing you can still interact easily with customers must be a bit of a relief. I know for me I tend to overthink these thinigs. Hurdle well and trully jumped!!

Take care

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 10:03:42 AM
Thank you Liz! I think, though I'm sure there will be other down days, that this is actually becoming the new normal.

I spoke on the phone at length with another customer yesterday, identified myself as "Steph" and did my best with my voice. After the initial introductions, pronouns never came up, so I have no idea what gender he was thinking, and I guess it doesn't matter. There will be ongoing conversations between he and I and the supplier in Italy, via phone and emails, so it'll be interesting to see what he thinks, and what will happen if I have to correct him.

It's fascinating that the anxiety I would have felt over it just a few weeks ago seems to be gone. I yam what I yam...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 10:12:52 AM
Quote from: mm on January 31, 2018, 05:03:34 PM
stephanie, I hope you make the sale.

Thank you mm! There are unrelated roadblocks to get past, but that's just part of doing business, and so far nobody is letting gender get in the way.

How strange that things are actually going the way they should in an enlightened society, not the way politicians and sensationalist press try to present it.

I've said it before, and sorry if I sound like a skipping CD, but I think ordinary people are starting to get it.

I've said it before, and sorry if I sound like a skipping CD, but I think ordinary people are starting to get it.

I've said it before, and sorry if I sound like a skipping CD, but I think ordinary people are starting to get it.

StStStStStephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 10:16:27 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 31, 2018, 10:26:35 AMThe neat thing about lavender is it's classy without being too noticeable. I was surprised how well it blended in.

Oh, here:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180201/eb43d52d0240e54245039f14352a7456.jpg)

Yeah, they're too short, dang it. But in the right light, they don't catch attention at all.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 01, 2018, 10:19:47 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 10:12:52 AM
I've said it before, and sorry if I sound like a skipping CD, but I think ordinary people are starting to get it.
^^^^  Yes, THIS!  Most people were raised to be nice, and the world is a better place when they are.  I am glad that your business contacts are treating you well.

Love the nail colour!  I'm going to have to try nail polish some time.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 11:08:17 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 10:16:27 AM
Oh, here:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180201/eb43d52d0240e54245039f14352a7456.jpg)

Yeah, they're too short, dang it. But in the right light, they don't catch attention at all.

Stephanie
Nice colour.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 11:13:06 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 11:08:17 AM
Nice colour.

You do realize that there are people in the world who have no "u"'s at all, and here you are just wasting them. Colour indeed. Sheesh...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 01, 2018, 11:39:01 AM
The most finely tuned elucidation of the English language is achieved without a "u".  Cue the classical background music.

Yo, whazzap!  Mo bettah git goin. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 11:42:57 AM
Quote from: Kendra on February 01, 2018, 11:39:01 AM
The most finely tuned elucidation of the English language is achieved without a "u".  Cue the classical background music.

With violin solo, of course.

QuoteYo, whazzap!  Mo bettah git goin.

Yeah, there it be. Not a "u" in sight!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 11:49:09 AM
Oh my... do I need to teach you lot how to spell?

Let's all go for a trip to Sydney HarboUr and we can discuss our favoUrite coloUrs. You can being your mUm along if you like.

Megan, Liz, Cindy, you there? It seems our Northern American sisters need some spelling lessons.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 11:51:37 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 11:49:09 AM
Oh my... do I need to teach you lot how to spell?

Let's all go for a trip to Sydney HarboUr and we can discuss our favoUrite coloUrs. You can being your mUm along if you like.

Megan, Liz, Cindy, you there? It seems our Northern American sisters need some spelling lessons.

Jayne

Well, it's no wonder that there are no "u"'s in my alphabet so-p.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 01, 2018, 12:04:40 PM
Whoa nice nails dare.  Jelly.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 01, 2018, 12:39:59 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 11:49:09 AM
Megan, Liz, Cindy, you there? It seems our Northern American sisters need some spelling lessons.
Ahem, the US of A is only one of the three countries in North America.  And the rest of us know how to spell properly, thank you very much.

We Canucks will join you in giving our neighboUrs a spelling lesson.  They can send us a cheQUE later.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 12:48:34 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 01, 2018, 12:39:59 PM
Ahem, the US of A is only one of the three countries in North America.  And the rest of us know how to spell properly, thank you very much.

We Canucks will join you in giving our neighboUrs a spelling lesson.  They can send us a cheQUE later.
Apologies Kathy. As you know, my wife is a Canuck and she can spell. I blame my current upside down position in the northern hemisphere for my error. It has thrown me off balance.

Do you think they know what a cheqUe is? Maybe we should only accept cash, Visa or MasterCard.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 01:02:51 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 12:48:34 PM
Apologies Kathy. As you know, my wife is a Canuck and she can spell. I blame my current upside down position in the northern hemisphere for my error. It has thrown me off balance.

Do you think they know what a cheqUe is? Maybe we should only accept cash, Visa or MasterCard.

Jayne

Murrican greenbacks only from furners, thank ya vurry much.

And now wasting "Q"'s, too!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 01:57:49 PM
Woo! Got a text message confirming that my clinic has faxed my GCS letter to Mt. Sinai! That's the good news.

Here's the bad news: I was in the clinic yesterday for facial abuse, and stopped in to my therapist's office to see what the progress was on the GCS letter. Not only hadn't it been sent yet (after asking for it seven days ago), but she had to search around for it. On top of that, I could see, from my side of the wall, that they'd spelled my name "Stephannie." It was all I could read, and I only caught it because it was on the page multiple times in capital letters. The lady promised to correct it and send it out that afternoon (which she apparently did). The kicker is she not only didn't give me a copy, but she didn't even let me read it.

I just did some research, and it turns out that I don't own my medical records. Doctor or Patient? Who Owns Medical Records? (https://www.aafp.org/news/blogs/freshperspectives/entry/doctor_or_patient_who_owns.html) So there's not much I can do about it except complain, which I intend to do. Something this important to my life should not be kept from my sight, even if I can't have a copy.

It's interesting that my therapist was outraged that my endocrinologist, who works in the same clinic, wouldn't give me the gender marker change letter until I presented my name change court order. She called it gatekeeping, and promised she'd look into it. And then she withholds my access to both my original HRT order and now the GCS letter. I'm starting to become disillusioned with this clinic, even though they specialize in transgender issues.

Grumble grumble...

But back to the first line: Yay!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 01, 2018, 02:26:48 PM
Sorry to hear about that level of gatekeeping.  I can understand the doctors or clinics having custody of the original documents, but at the very least you should be given a copy of any documents you request unless there is an overriding psychological reason why that might be unhealthy.  For a referral requested by the patient, you should automatically be copied.

When my first therapist sent my HRT referral letter, I didn't get a copy.  However, my prescribing doctor had it on file, so when my second therapist asked for a copy of it to document my history, I just asked the doctor and she gave me a copy.  Which I then copied for my own records prior to passing it on to the therapist.  My second therapist emailed me the draft of my surgery letter for my approval prior to sending it.  That's the way it should be.

I am glad you are finding the good in the bureaucratic maze.  Congrats on getting the letter sent!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 01, 2018, 02:30:12 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 01:02:51 PM
And now wasting "Q"'s, too!
Saving our "C"s and "K"s for when we really need them.  And, trust me, we need a lot of them these days.  Don't worry, we have lots of "U"s to spare.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 03:03:42 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 01, 2018, 02:30:12 PM
Saving our "C"s and "K"s for when we really need them.  And, trust me, we need a lot of them these days.  Don't worry, we have lots of "U"s to spare.

Well, I've said it before when I asked you to visit, and I'll mention it to Jayne: all that's missing from my neighborhood is U.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 03:52:38 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 03:03:42 PM
Well, I've said it before when I asked you to visit, and I'll mention it to Jayne: all that's missing from my neighborhood is U.

Stephanie
I can bring a whole suitcase full of "U's" if you like. It doesn't matter to me that you cannot spell, I still love ya sis! [emoji16]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 01, 2018, 08:30:09 PM
Jayne and Kathy,

  I don't think I know those colourful speaking yokels you two have been conversing with so eloquently. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 09:27:03 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 01, 2018, 08:30:09 PM
Jayne and Kathy,

  I don't think I know those colourful speaking yokels you two have been conversing with so eloquently.

Well, now we see your true colours.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 11:09:38 PM
Well, I had to shut off the notifications from Bari Jo's personal thread. Everyone there is congratulating themselves for being gendered as young female by how-old.net. Almost every single picture I've uploaded has come back as 79 or 80 year old male. On top of the inevitable backlash from having such a good day yesterday, and being constantly deadnamed today, I did not need that. I'm going to bed to cry myself to sleep.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 11:42:02 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 11:09:38 PM
Well, I had to shut off the notifications from Bari Jo's personal thread. Everyone there is congratulating themselves for being gendered as young female by how-old.net. Almost every single picture I've uploaded has come back as 79 or 80 year old male. On top of the inevitable backlash from having such a good day yesterday, and being constantly deadnamed today, I did not need that. I'm going to bed to cry myself to sleep.
Oh Steph, have a (((((HUG)))))!

Don't pay any attention to those websites. They are not scientific, they are based on algorithms created by some software writer's idea of how men and women are identified. The face detection part of my photo software on my computer at home has  previously identified a tree as me. I'm pretty sure I'm not a tree, I'm not made of wood (well not since the hormones evicted all the T out of my body). Computers are only as good as the people that program them, in the case of this website, it could very well be a 14 year old kid living in their mother's basement.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 01, 2018, 09:27:03 PM
Well, now we see your true colours.

Look at your previous post. You are learning how to spell! Celebrate this victory by painting your nails your favoUrite coloUr!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 02, 2018, 06:42:32 AM
Steph, I sent this via email, it drew me back here so I am posting it here as well ..'
QuoteI tried it just once. I took my (to me) best picture and it told me that I was 67 years old. No way that picture came close to that age. It looks younger than I really am.

Trust not that website, trust yourself and your friends .. since I am one, you have to trust me .. so there.

XOXO
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 02, 2018, 07:59:11 AM
Jayne, Faith,

Thanks for trying to prop me up. It wasn't just the darn website, but that's what pushed me over the edge. When the subject popped up I dismissed it as more junk science. But then so many girls I admire tried it and gleefully celebrated being gendered correctly - even if the ages were all over the map - that I thought I'd give it a try. I grabbed one of my favorite pictures: bam, in the face, male. Curious. I tried another, and another, and now I've lost track. With only two or three exceptions, all male, and usually correctly aged or much older. It started out as a scientific curiosity. What is it looking for? Different glasses, no glasses, different light, different hair, smiles, different angle? But nothing I try fools it. I seem to be stuck with a male mug.

This is from Microsoft labs using AI. Unless the programmer's dad is Bill Gates, it's not a kid in the basement. And since it gets so many others right, I have to assume it's getting me right, too.

As I said, this wasn't the only thing that knocked me down. Just as when we returned from the fantasy trip to Phoenix, I expected a backlash from the wonderful day I'd had on Wednesday. I also had to deal with an old guy who hangs out in my shop, who is apparently completely unable to learn my new name.

So last night was really bad. Today is just meh. I'll keep muddling forward. No other choice, really. It's just another data point to add to all the others against me.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 02, 2018, 08:01:39 AM
One thing that occurs to me relates to the periodic meltdown cycle I've talked about here before. I thought I'd originally identified it at 24 days, but the last two times didn't seem to fit, so I dismissed all the previous ones as coincidence.

If I change the period to 28 days, though, the last two fall right on that day, including yesterday. Yeah, I know, correlation/causation/coincidence, choosing facts to fit the narrative, etc. But it could also be called curve fitting. One of the defining characteristics of science is its ability to make predictions, so after rejecting my original theory, I'm watching again. We'll see what happens toward the end of the month.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Charlie Nicki on February 02, 2018, 08:04:19 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 02, 2018, 07:59:11 AM
Jayne, Faith,

Thanks for trying to prop me up. It wasn't just the darn website, but that's what pushed me over the edge. When the subject popped up I dismissed it as more junk science. But then so many girls I admire tried it and gleefully celebrated being gendered correctly - even if the ages were all over the map - that I thought I'd give it a try. I grabbed one of my favorite pictures: bam, in the face, male. Curious. I tried another, and another, and now I've lost track. With only two or three exceptions, all male, and usually correctly aged or much older. It started out as a scientific curiosity. What is it looking for? Different glasses, no glasses, different light, different hair, smiles, different angle? But nothing I try fools it. I seem to be stuck with a male mug.

This is from Microsoft labs using AI. Unless the programmer's dad is Bill Gates, it's not a kid in the basement. And since it gets so many others right, I have to assume it's getting me right, too.

As I said, this wasn't the only thing that knocked me down. Just as when we returned from the fantasy trip to Phoenix, I expected a backlash from the wonderful day I'd had on Wednesday. I also had to deal with an old guy who hangs out in my shop, who is apparently completely unable to learn my new name.

So last night was really bad. Today is just meh. I'll keep muddling forward. No other choice, really. It's just another data point to add to all the others against me.


- Stephanie

So sorry for that Steph! But this too will pass. Hugs!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 02, 2018, 08:27:11 AM
Steph :(

I'll just leave this here for you: (https://i.imgur.com/3Q7HEkS.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 02, 2018, 10:32:41 AM
Oh my.  Steph I am so sorry to hear Microsoft's age/gendering app was terrible at exactly the wrong moment.  I have several immediate thoughts regarding the app itself, but most important is to know we are all in this together - all of us on Susan's - and whether it's a minor language glitch (hey guys) or blatant misgendering the pain is genuine. 

<big hug>

I admire you so much for relentlessly moving forward while at the same time admitting to being fragile and human.  If someone is a repeat obsolete-name offender in your shop, maybe it's time to buy a roll of those corny conference "HELLO My name is" stickers and a Sharpie-wit marker.  Just in case. 

Now some thoughts on that site/app which I considered running but probably won't after reading your experience.  I was 27 when I joined that company, only a few years younger than the average employee at the time.  Over the decades the company has literally aged but not drastically - I am surrounded with people who would be shocked to know I started comp sci in college the year after paper punch cards were sidelined.  It's possible the demographic and research for this app may contain age bias.  I won't go so far as to say gender bias but the demographics for the entire tech industry are well known.

I used Windows 10 facial recognition login until recently.  I bought a Mac right before GRS and mostly use MacOS now - figure I might as well change everything at the same time.  And no, WPATH doesn't require 12 months with a new operating system.  Anyway... I found it amusing but annoying Windows facial login didn't notice when I transitioned at work and starting wearing makeup there, no increase in login errors after 6 months HRT.  Not once. 

We are all fragile and it isn't always simple to go around obstacles.  Some barriers we tackle while making animal noises, some aren't worth the bother so we drive around it.  Technology usually doesn't appear fragile but is, or even worse may display arrogance instead of admitting a mistake.  People have driven their car onto an active airport runway (http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-24246646) by placing too much faith in their phone's mapping app.  Technology needs to serve us, not the other way around. 

Kendra

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 02, 2018, 11:11:10 AM
Steph, I am sorry that you are having a down spell right now.  And that our goofiness in Bari Jo's thread contributed to that.  It is just a silly app.  What does Microsoft know anyway?

We know the real Steph.  We know the joy that shines in your face.  We know the generosity that moves you to fly halfway across the country just to make someone else feel better.

Here's a hug, just because: (((((HUG)))))
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 02, 2018, 11:21:20 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 02, 2018, 07:59:11 AM
I also had to deal with an old guy who hangs out in my shop, who is apparently completely unable to learn my new name.

Oh, that guy again. You know, I might still have an old dog training collar around here I could lend you for him. It has two buttons on it - beep and shock. If one doesn't work, try the other.

Hugs!

You know, I'm wondering if this notion that every happy moment must be paid for by a sad moment is some kind of coping mechanism left over from...before. The reason I say that is the whole thing sounds way too familiar to me. It's a way for a depressed person to deny that they can have any happiness, thus furthering the depression with what becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Remember how at one point before I went to see my mom, I regarded the preparations for the trip as preparing for war? After some great advice from friends, I recognized it as an old fatalistic coping mechanism from the before-days and just released it to fall away. You know how things turned out afterward.

With that said, I suggest you pick yourself up, put on your favorite outfit, and go do something fun for yourself. Hold your head up, tits out, back straight, and march forward. You know who you are and neither a piece of software nor an old man can tell you different!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 02, 2018, 11:28:13 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on February 02, 2018, 11:21:20 AM
Oh, that guy again. You know, I might still have an old dog training collar around here I could lend you for him. It has two buttons on it - beep and shock. If one doesn't work, try the other.

Hugs!

You know, I'm wondering if this notion that every happy moment must be paid for by a sad moment is some kind of coping mechanism left over from...before. The reason I say that is the whole thing sounds way too familiar to me. It's a way for a depressed person to deny that they can have any happiness, thus furthering the depression with what becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Remember how at one point before I went to see my mom, I regarded the preparations for the trip as preparing for war? After some great advice from friends, I recognized it as an old fatalistic coping mechanism from the before-days and just released it to fall away. You know how things turned out afterward.

With that said, I suggest you pick yourself up, put on your favorite outfit, and go do something fun for yourself. Hold your head up, tits out, back straight, and march forward. You know who you are and neither a piece of software nor an old man can tell you different!

Cassie, I'm going to have to intercept some of this, Steph will have to share (well, except the 'push the tits out' part since I don't have any). I really think I've been doing the 'I don't deserve to be happy' routine.

So, Steph, where are you? Too much work is bad for you, you know. Time for a break!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 02, 2018, 12:40:57 PM
  Okay you! Yeah you S(te)(((p)han)e)! Into the kitchen... Now!! Up on the fridge with you. Oh I know it's hard for you to climb up that high ehen you are feeling so down but I'm not having any of it. Now up with you. At least from up there you'll be looking down in that little problem that looked so big and insurmountable to you before.  You have to get over this eggshell existence just as I need to get over feeling hurt when others tell me they care. No Hun, it isn't easy to do, but they are unreasonable things we both need to overcome. You can do this.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on February 02, 2018, 08:20:35 PM
Hi Steph, sorry about that topic.  at first I thought it was a nice boost, now with the same picts it's gendering me without fail as male.  I was just starting to see Bari Jo too.  Yup, I feel your pain.  I'd give you a hug, but I can't reach the top of the fridge.  I'm little as well.

These apps just can't be trusted:(

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 03, 2018, 12:41:14 AM
Hi everyone. Can you hear me down there? I have chocolate and #stormchips up here.

How lucky can a girl get? You are all so cool, I hardly know where to begin. I guess I'll try to reply to some of your advice. Sorry Laurie. It's going to be long...

Quote from: Charlie NickiSo sorry for that Steph! But this too will pass. Hugs!

Thank you, Charlie Nicki. I always knew it would, and it mostly has. But in the middle of it, the pain overwhelms any logic. Things have pretty much stabilized. More on that later.

Faith: Here I am. I was never very far away. Your ghost hug helped, but you know what made me happiest? Seeing your beautiful smiling avatar back. Please don't take her away from us again.

Jayne: You took time to help me out here and via PM when you should be enjoying your holiday. Thank you for being my good friend.

Dear Kendra: You've given me much to think about...

Quote from: KendraI admire you so much for relentlessly moving forward while at the same time admitting to being fragile and human.
Says the woman who is getting four surgeries in one year, and never seems to have a bad day. You're the one who deserves all the admiration, and you sure get it from this part of Florida.

QuoteIf someone is a repeat obsolete-name offender in your shop, maybe it's time to buy a roll of those corny conference "HELLO My name is" stickers and a Sharpie-wit marker.  Just in case.

This was my solution, bought for when I hosted our fly-in last weekend (pen shown for scale, among other reasons!):

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/84kpzomndujt29s/Nametag.jpg?raw=1)

I wore it today, and may have helped force an uncomfortable but effective solution to the old-name problem. More on that below.

QuoteI am surrounded with people who would be shocked to know I started comp sci in college the year after paper punch cards were sidelined.  It's possible the demographic and research for this app may contain age bias.  I won't go so far as to say gender bias but the demographics for the entire tech industry are well known.

Heh. It must have been the winter semester, 1981, Oakland University in Rochester, Michigan. CIS 101, and the first semester after they'd retired the card readers and installed terminals on the Multics mainframe. Programming in 6502 assembler, and fortran on the PDP-10(?) with storage on 8 inch floppies. I wrote my Creative Writing assignments with Emacs and got permission from the professor to turn in my assignments on greenbar. In my third and last semester before college and I gave up on each other, my friend brought in this incredible, boxy little computer in a cloth sack, made by some company with a fruity name, and named for a type of apple. This completely blew away all of us who were used to fighting for one of the few color Multics terminals instead of the amber screens. I fell in love with that fruit flavored company then, and have never changed my mind. More on that later. And I digress.

The software... well, I didn't bother trying to figure out the logic behind their choices. I figured, being AI, that they fed it bunches of pictures, told it the age and gender of each, and let it make its own decisions from then on. That should have kept human bias out of it, but who knows? One thing I did notice was it did slightly better if I took my glasses off, for what that's worth. It was just unendingly galling that it seemed to be identifying everyone the way they'd hoped - except me. Meh.

QuoteI used Windows 10 facial recognition login until recently.  I bought a Mac right before GRS and mostly use MacOS now - figure I might as well change everything at the same time.  And no, WPATH doesn't require 12 months with a new operating system.  Anyway... I found it amusing but annoying Windows facial login didn't notice when I transitioned at work and starting wearing makeup there, no increase in login errors after 6 months HRT.  Not once. 

OK, now you have me worried. Am I going to have to switch to Windows when I get my GCS? I will sacrifice almost anything to transition, but that's asking a lot.

It will be interesting to see if my iPhone X's facial recognition ever starts having problems due to HRT. I kind of doubt there will be enough changes at my age to fool it without FFS, which I hope to avoid.

QuoteTechnology needs to serve us, not the other way around.

This. Absolutely this. While some of you know my propensity for fruit flavored technology, and I joke about it occasionally, I never understood why people insist on turning it into religious wars. I've been through Apple vs. IBM, then Apple vs. Windows, now Apple vs. Samsung, and guess what? They're all just tools! Use what you like, and I'll do the same. Drive your Ford and I'll drive my Chevy. They both get us there. /soapbox

Most meaningful:
Quotemost important is to know we are all in this together - all of us on Susan's - and whether it's a minor language glitch (hey guys) or blatant misgendering the pain is genuine. 

<big hug>

All of you replying to my meltdown make it so clear how important Susan's is to us. How else could we support each other and share the good and occasional bad times? The pain is indeed very real, and because every one of us has experienced it, we can support each other in ways that those who haven't gone through this fire could never possibly understand.

<BIGGER HUG> back at all of you.

Kathy: You and I have so much in common. As I've commented on before, I could have written so much of what you put in your thread, except you do it sooner and much more eloquently. I read your experiences and can only nod, yes, that's me. Like so many others here, I wish we weren't so far from each other. I certainly understand your not wanting to visit here right now, and unfortunately I don't see any opportunities for me to go north for a while. But someday I want to take you flying in an experimental aircraft I built, and I want to see Eta Carinae with my own eyes. We'll make it happen.

My dear sister Cassie: What would I do without you? As I said earlier, I was so lost last night when I couldn't get in touch with you. Today you made me laugh harder than I ever remember doing before. What incredible therapy you provided.

We were passing messages of support back and forth, and devolved into some of the most sophomoric humor you've ever seen, and I experienced something that proved to myself that I am indeed becoming female. It was what I can only describe as hysterical laughter and joy. I just couldn't stop laughing, to the point that it literally started to hurt, and as the laughing tapered off it evolved into a torrent of tears. It was joy and pain mixed, and so cathartic. I could only think of the scenes in The Green Mile, where John Coffey expels all the pain as a dark cloud, and all is well again. The laughter and tears allowed me to rid myself of that dark cloud, and I have Cassie to thank for it.

QuoteYou know, I'm wondering if this notion that every happy moment must be paid for by a sad moment is some kind of coping mechanism left over from...before. The reason I say that is the whole thing sounds way too familiar to me. It's a way for a depressed person to deny that they can have any happiness, thus furthering the depression with what becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Does the universe demand balance? Is Sadness+Happiness=K built into our psyche or is it a male construct? Heck if I know. I only know that on our trip, and again last Wednesday, I was happier than I remember being before, and I don't think I was guilty about it. I certainly didn't consciously go looking for a meltdown or welcome it when it hit. Whether I brought it on subconsciously is beyond my ability to judge. It just hurt...

QuoteWith that said, I suggest you pick yourself up, put on your favorite outfit, and go do something fun for yourself. Hold your head up, tits out, back straight, and march forward. You know who you are and neither a piece of software nor an old man can tell you different!

Ummm... I am standing up, and my tits are out. It's the best you're going to get, both vertically and horizontally.

As for Old Dude, I guess the problem kind of solved itself today. I wore my name tag when he came over, and kept pointing to it (with a smile) every time he screwed up. He's one of those people who like using your name in sentences a lot, so there was plenty of opportunity. Well, my friend D was over, too, and while I was elsewhere, she had a talk with him, telling him that he really needed to figure out how to get my name and pronouns correct. She told him I was feeling down, and his constant previous-naming wasn't helping. Apparently he decided that his mistakes were the root cause of the depression, and he decided that for my sake, he should probably keep his distance. He left on good terms, but said he probably wouldn't be back, since he admitted to himself that he may not be able to teach himself to get it right. I had mixed feelings about it. I like him as a person - he had no problems at all with my transition, unlike the other guy who used to help out. He's very open-minded in his views about such things, and a very good person otherwise. The fact that he decided to step back for my sake speaks to the quality of his character. But it will be a relief to not have to be on guard all the time. I guess it's all for the best...

Laurie. Oh Laurie. We've each gone through so much since we met. So much pain overcome, and so much joy to look forward to. We each have our own very different mountains to climb, but I know your tough love is always out there for me, and I hope you know I'm there for you. I so look forward to the day I see a certain truck pull into my yard, to the point where I'll even allow your non-fruit-flavored computer access to my network. If that's not love, I don't know what is. I wouldn't be able to stop you anyway from up here on the fridge.

Tia Anne, while you haven't posted things publicly, our behind-the-scenes communications mean more to me than you may understand. I'll be writing more via email, but I need to acknowledge publicly that you've been such a help to me, and make sure everyone knows how thankful I am that I've found you as a new sister.

Bari Jo, please don't feel guilty for having fun with that software on your thread. Any pain due to it is all on me. As in all my previous meltdowns, it wasn't any one thing, it was a combination of small things adding up to more than I could bear at the moment. Your thread wasn't the problem, I was. I'm glad it's no longer being discussed, though. I've signed up for notifications again. I don't want to miss a moment of your progress. So even if we can't hug, here's a <fist bump>.

So I guess I'm feeling better. All of you contributed to the recovery in your own way, and I appreciate it all so much. As always, it seemed to be caused by a combination of small things, exacerbated by what may (or may not) be some sort of cycle - at this point theorized as 28 days. Backlash from a great day Wednesday? Too much old-naming and misgendering? Funky software misgendering me? Adjusting to the stresses of getting the business going again as my new self? This morning, dealing with the departure of Megan? I dunno. Any, none, or all of the above. I'm just thankful I have all of you to pick me up when I fall, even if I end up on the fridge.

Thank you. I love you all.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 03, 2018, 01:10:40 AM
Okay (((((((((S)t)e)p)h)a)n)i)e),

   It does sound like ((y)ou) have calmed down, so you may clim(b) on down from the fridge. But mind you if you continue to misbehave I just (May) have (to) drive out that(a)way and March (y)o(u) into the k(itch) en and put you up there again myself. Since it's February you're safe for the nonce. I'm (((mak)i)ng) a list and checking it twice and I'm bett(ing) I'll fi(nd) out y(ou)r naughty and nice. (or is that nice and naughty?)

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 03, 2018, 01:20:17 AM
Quote from: Laurie on February 03, 2018, 01:10:40 AM
Okay (((((((((S)t)e)p)h)a)n)i)e),

   It does sound like ((y)ou) have calmed down, so you may clim(b) on down from the fridge. But mind you if you continue to misbehave I just (May) have (to) drive out that(a)way and March (y)o(u) into the k(itch) en and put you up there again myself. Since it's February you're safe for the nonce. I'm (((mak)i)ng) a list and checking it twice and I'm bett(ing) I'll fi(nd) out y(ou)r naughty and nice. (or is that nice and naughty?)

Hugs,
  Laurie

May? March? February? I'm so confused.

If you can't be good, be GREAT!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 03, 2018, 01:28:24 AM
 Oh Great! What two bee cornfuzzled about? Did I spelt any Things wronger?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 03, 2018, 08:18:57 AM
QuoteFaith: Here I am. I was never very far away. Your ghost hug helped, but you know what made me happiest? Seeing your beautiful smiling avatar back. Please don't take her away from us again.

awwww  :icon_redface:

I know you typed a lot of meaningful stuff, I lost track after that and all I heard was  :icon_blahblah:

j/k I read it all :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 02:03:08 AM
To quote L(aur)ie: Today Was a Good Day. Many positive things happened that have washed away all the junk from the last two days. The first involves the wife of the guy I built the last plane for.

When I came out to D and E, they were instantly 100% accepting, and have been incredibly supportive. E in particular took me by the hand, gave me tips on makeup, and has spent hours giving me practical advice on mannerisms and heartfelt guidance on what to do and not to do as a woman.

You may have read about how I ran my first flying club breakfast fly-in as my new self a few weeks ago. I had dressed especially to showcase for E everything that I'd learned with her help. And I was terribly disappointed that they never showed up. They'd forgotten about it and had flown somewhere else for breakfast.

Today D flew the plane here for me to do some work on it, and to give me something to fly while he's busy doing other things this month. I needed to fly him back home, then bring the plane back. He'd mentioned going somewhere for lunch on the way back to his place about 55 miles away. I had dressed almost exactly the way I had on the day of the fly-in, since I intended to suggest to D that we go straight back to his place, and take E to lunch with us. And again I was disappointed. She had gone off on a girl's day out with some friends. (I said, I can do that, too! But she'd already left, dang it.) So we flew to another airport with a restaurant and had lunch there, which was somewhat affirming in itself, since the restaurant staff treated me very well. We got back to D's and hung around the neighborhood for a while (D had been my across-the-street neighbor when I lived there ten years ago) and as I got ready to fly home I went inside for a pee break, and while I was in the bathroom, E came home. I walked out with a smile, and the look on her face was priceless. Her eyes got wide in surprise and she exclaimed, "Oh, look at you! You're so pretty!" And I got a long warm hug. I'd caught her by surprise, and her answer was so spontaneous it could only have been genuine and honest. Talk about validation. Talk about affirmation.

The second happened while we were hanging around the neighborhood. One of my other old neighbors was building a kit plane with the help of a friend who had built a couple of that model before. D had been advocating for me to take over finishing the kit if J's experienced help quit assisting him. D had also told him about my transition, to which he had responded immediately, "Well, next time she's in the neighborhood, bring her over to see the project." Wow.

Today, while D and I were standing in front of his hangar, J rode up behind me unnoticed on his bicycle. When I turned and saw him there, I just said, "Oh, hi J." The strange thing: there was no awkwardness or embarrassment at all on either my part or his. I completely surprised myself that I just immediately went into an unselfconscious conversation with him. We walked over to his hangar and looked the project over for probably an hour with no weirdness at all. I was just completely comfortable. D showed up a little while later and consistently used the correct name and pronouns as we talked about the kit and anything else aviation related that popped up. Thinking about it now, I realize that it must have been some sort of turning point. Gender was of course part of the picture, but transitioning was absent. I was just a female aviation tech talking with a couple guys about airplanes. How strange that it was normal.

I finally had to get back home before dark, so I got one more hug from E, and climbed in for the flight home. As I taxied out to the runway, another local plane landed, then taxied back to take off as I waited. He obviously knew the plane, but couldn't see yet who was flying it. He called on the radio, "D, are you ready to go? I'll wait for you." So I got out my best female voice and told him I was ready. There was a pause and I got some sort of incoherent reply, and I pulled across in front of him - when I assume he got a look at me with my hair down - announced my takeoff, and was on my way. I had to smile on climbout as I wondered what he was thinking, and what he was going to ask D later. Hopefully he's wondering who that good-looking woman was who was flying D's plane.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/fp1kruk3bk1fk7d/BAA2.jpg?raw=1)

Finally, when I got home I didn't feel like cooking dinner. In the past I used to text people around the neighborhood to try to arrange going to dinner somewhere, but I'd become too self-conscious in the last six months to do that. Tonight I said heck with it, let's see what we can put together. And through a series of text messages, I arranged for what ended up being four households - twelve people - going out for a fun dinner together. And I was just the lady neighbor down the street. There weren't really any pronouns used, since we were all talking to each other, not about each other, and I was Steph when someone wanted to get my attention. There were a couple of house guests I hadn't met yet there, too, so I tried to be careful with my voice. Sue and I got an, "Excuse me, ladies" from a waitress as she had to get around us, and I got smiles from the staff as I went to get refills on my drink and went to the ladies room. When the owner of the restaurant stopped by our table, he stood next to me with his hand on my back as he asked how our meal was. It was a warm gesture that I doubt he would have used with a male customer.

So the upshot of the day: even though I may still have down days like yesterday, I think I really am starting to fit into this new life. It feels so natural and comfortable now. Cassie texted me earlier about a very affirming thing that happened to her today, and I wrote back:

"You have arrived, girlfriend. Know what? I think me too."
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 04, 2018, 02:46:09 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 02:03:08 AM
> Thinking about it now, I realize that it must have been some sort of turning point. Gender was of course part of the picture, but transitioning was absent. I was just a female aviation tech talking with a couple guys about airplanes. How strange that it was normal.

It brings me joy to see others learn to fly and experience freedom.  As you are.  Literally.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 08:23:47 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 02:03:08 AM.Today, while D and I were standing in front of his hangar, J rode up behind me unnoticed on his bicycle. When I turned and saw him there, I just said, "Oh, hi J." The strange thing: there was no awkwardness or embarrassment at all on either my part or his. I completely surprised myself that I just immediately went into an unselfconscious conversation with him. We walked over to his hangar and looked the project over for probably an hour with no weirdness at all. I was just completely comfortable. D showed up a little while later and consistently used the correct name and pronouns as we talked about the kit and anything else aviation related that popped up. Thinking about it now, I realize that it must have been some sort of turning point. Gender was of course part of the picture, but transitioning was absent. I was just a female aviation tech talking with a couple guys about airplanes. How strange that it was normal.

It was late when I wrote that, and this morning a detail popped up off the memory stack. As J and I were walking over to his hangar, he asked, "So how have you been doing? I was going to ask what but..."

I answered, "I'm doing very very well!" I held my arms out and said, "What I've been up to is obvious!" We both chuckled, the conversation moved on to airplanes, and that was that.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 08:31:26 AM
Here's something you won't see in the men's room. This was on the wall in the ladies room at the restaurant I was at last night:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180204/3615e6160b726ef23c0fa340a8e267f0.jpg)

My boots are pretty cute...

[emoji38]


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 04, 2018, 08:37:42 AM
Steph, I don't have any words, I suck at expressionism, I'm just glad to see you back to your upbeat self.

Let's see if I can metaphor ...

When you fly too high and you run out of air for your wings to hold you up and you stall out, how you recover dictates where you end up.

hm, needs work. May you can help me phase that better :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 08:58:08 AM
Quote from: Faith on February 04, 2018, 08:37:42 AM
Steph, I don't have any words, I suck at expressionism, I'm just glad to see you back to your upbeat self.

Let's see if I can metaphor ...

When you fly too high and you run out of air for your wings to hold you up and you stall out, how you recover dictates where you end up.

hm, needs work. May you can help me phase that better :)

I know that word! I was asked one time, "What's a metaphor?" Easy. It's for keeping the cows in.

Ask Kathy about high altitude stalls. If you want curly hair, that'll take care of it for you.

Let's see: "A stall in an uncoordinated turn can induce a spin, which, without correct control inputs, can become unrecoverable."

No?

How about, "Straighten up and fly right!"

Or: "Keep the blue side up and the green side down."

Or: "Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory."
And it's corollary: "Landings should always equal takeoffs."

Regarding emergency landings at night: "Just before you touch down, turn on your landing light. If you don't like what you see, turn it back off."

How about the Air Force's motto: "We have a perfect record. We've never left one up there."

What was the question again?


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 04, 2018, 09:51:58 AM
QuoteWhat was the question again?

How many pilots does it take to land a plane?

None. The plane will land itself, one way or another.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on February 04, 2018, 11:37:24 AM
Quote from: Faith on February 04, 2018, 09:51:58 AM
How many pilots does it take to land a plane?

None. The plane will land itself, one way or another.

Ouch!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 01:46:02 PM
Quote from: Faith on February 04, 2018, 09:51:58 AM
How many pilots does it take to land a plane?

None. The plane will land itself, one way or another.

Depends on your definition of "landing." One of the accepted definitions is it's a good landing if the plane is usable afterward. Another is if it takes less than full power to taxi to the ramp.

Stephanie (Yes, I'm logging every bounce as a separate landing)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 03:58:16 PM
Well, I know how I'm voting now!

http://explosm.net/comics/4845/ (http://explosm.net/comics/4845/)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180204/e053e9399587d1b393175b96828f5a48.jpg)


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 04, 2018, 04:02:30 PM
I don't know, I've heard that they have lots of dirt on fridge. Then you have to take into account how cold at heart it is. Then there's the hanger-ons. scary people ...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 04, 2018, 04:08:52 PM
Quote from: Faith on February 04, 2018, 04:02:30 PM
I don't know, I've heard that they have lots of dirt on fridge. Then you have to take into account how cold at heart it is. Then there's the hanger-ons. scary people ...

Faith,

LOL!   Love it!   :) :)

We cannot ignore the cold, hard facts involved.
We should make good, informed votes, not just vote for
a fridge because it is "cool."


Chrissy
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 05:32:00 PM
Vote for Fridge or get iced!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 04, 2018, 08:34:38 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 05:32:00 PM
Vote for Fridge or get iced!

Vote Fridge 2020
Because America needs to chill the {EXPLETIVE} out!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on February 04, 2018, 08:46:02 PM
Frig couldn't stand the heat!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 09:51:11 PM
I'm managing the campaign for Fridge. Whatever happens, I'm on top of it.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 04, 2018, 09:55:17 PM
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on February 04, 2018, 04:08:52 PM
Faith,

LOL!   Love it!   :) :)

We cannot ignore the cold, hard facts involved.
We should make good, informed votes, not just vote for
a fridge because it is "cool."


Chrissy

Don't let what they say get to you, Fridge. Stay frosty.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 05, 2018, 01:26:54 AM
Well GE that's a Hotpoint to make.  Not to cry Wolf, but providing Kitchen-Aid without putting the Bosch on it or sending this down the Whirlpool to Sub-Zero might be Kenmore or less - or is that Kendramore.  In the winter out Westinghouse most of the country is Frigidaire compared to Steph's place.  Far from the land of Viking but so cold Samsung about forgettin to close the door on Jenn-Air.  Maytag this, sorry if my writing Sears your retina.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 05, 2018, 02:00:57 AM
Candidate Fridge doesn't wish to cast aspersions on its opponent, but wants to state for the record that at least it keeps its meat in its drawers.

Quote❄️I'm candidate Fridge, and I approve this message.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 05, 2018, 08:00:17 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 05, 2018, 02:00:57 AM
Candidate Fridge doesn't wish to cast aspersions on its opponent, but wants to state for the record that at least it keeps its meat in its drawers.
Ding!  Steph for the win!  :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 05, 2018, 12:14:51 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 05, 2018, 08:00:17 AM
Ding!  Steph for the win!  :D

As long as fridge loses, Steph can win. So, Steph, climb down from that podium and greet the masses ... Oh wait, you're standing on Fridge!!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 05, 2018, 05:31:41 PM
Squeeeeeeee !!

(https://i.imgur.com/UZf4L1T.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/9P96sAe.jpg)

Why am I squeeeeing? Because your short pilot who's name might start with an (S) and end in ((tep)ha)(nie). Sent me a gift and a sweet card  by special delivery from Scottsdale and got me all choked up at Beth and Saha's. You can see it right there on my chest next to the necklace Devlyn gave me. This was the pin she said you had to come the her coming out party/ceremony on New Year's Eve, to get one. The heart and plane pin. Thank you Stephanie, thank you.

  I posted the picture of Kendra and I to show that Her and I was wearing both gifts from Devyln and Stephanie. See folks , We're twins!!

Hugs,
  Laurie

P.S. awwww go ahead and get off that fridge will ya, Hun?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 05, 2018, 06:15:19 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 05, 2018, 05:31:41 PM
Squeeeeeeee !!

(https://i.imgur.com/UZf4L1T.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/9P96sAe.jpg)

Why am I squeeeeing? Because your short pilot who's name might start with an (S) and end in ((tep)ha)(nie). Sent me a gift and a sweet card  by specially delivery from Scottsdale and got me all choked up at Beth and Saha's. You can see it right there on my chest next to the necklace Devlyn gave me. This was the pin she said you had to come the her coming out party/ceremony on New Year's Eve, to get one. The heart and plane pin. Thank you Stephanie, thank you.

  I posted the picture of Kendra and I to show that Her and I was wearing both gifts from Devyln and Stephanie. See folks , We're twins!!

Hugs,
  Laurie

P.S. awwww go ahead and get off that fridge will ya, Hun?

I just landed after a beautiful evening flight and this was waiting for me. What a wonderful way to celebrate the sunset. I closed the hangar door while choked up and dealing with ocular leakage, and Sue comes to the shop with her phone telling me I need to talk to this lady at the credit card company to get the name changed on the account. Great, I can barely talk at all and you want me to use my "voice?" Serious voice fail but what the heck. She was nice and no problems on the name change.

But back to the important stuff. Hang on a minute...

OK, back to ground level. Laurie, I gave that pin to Kendra for you at my party. This is the first opportunity she had to deliver it. I am so happy to see you smiling and wearing it. Those pins were intended for the important women in my life, and you're one of the most important. I want you to have it handy any time you feel down, and wear it with a smile, remembering how much I love you.

Kendra, thank you so much for being courier!

Here I am wishing you both good fortune just before my flight tonight:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180206/359e18042ff4e375123e71ab19edd32f.jpg)

On the left side, under my hair, you can see my matching pin.

Be well my friend.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 05, 2018, 06:40:28 PM
 Alright now i have a wet cheek and blurry vision.There goes the mascara. I hope you are happy.
Have a good flight.

Love ya Steph
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 06, 2018, 10:40:38 AM
Life has moved on to another higher plateau. The walls keep falling...

Yesterday I was able to give away a little happiness to someone dear to me (starts with an "L"). The cool thing? I gave away joy but got more back in return. Talk about a great return on investment!

My bestest friend in the whole wide world praised me for it (I hope she doesn't mind that I quote it here, but it's so important to me):

QuoteIf the time comes that you have another down day and your confidence is low, I'm going to point this out as a prime example of how much of a positive impact you've had on a lot of people's lives. We love you, Steph!

My knee started to jerk in the same old reaction it's had for 50 years... then paused. After absorbing it, I ended up writing this in response:

QuoteYou know, when I read that I thought I'd cry again. But it just added more joy to my day and made me smile even more. Strange how giving away happiness just adds to your own. I do hope it'll help to be reminded of that when I need it. But you know how it is.  Not to be fatalistic, but we've both been through it often enough to know how hard it is to crawl out of that hole. In any case, one thing I'm trying to do is to accept such praise instead of dismissing it. I'm beginning to understand that building up my sense of self-worth is not the same as being egotistical [or narcissistic]. It's more finally coming to the realization that maybe I'm actually a good person and need to just be me.

That newfound confidence manifested itself in many ways in the last two days.

I got another email from someone asking about the plane I sell. It was addressed to "Steve." With no other comment, I answered all his questions and attached my updated signature line, which has "Stephanie Bensinger" as the name. No reply yet, but this is me.

This morning I got up late with lab tests scheduled, and managed to put myself together in 10-15 minutes and still make it to the appointment just a little late, looking fabulous. This was my first time going to Quest Diagnostics in my new persona, and there was no issue at all with that... there was a paperwork SNAFU that hasn't been resolved yet, but at least I was treated well.

So I left without bloodletting, and thought to myself, "Self, you're dressed up with no place to go. Might as well get some other paperwork straightened out." Off to my dentist I went. At my last appointment I'd told my dentist and hygienist what was coming up. I didn't know how they'd handle it with the rest of the staff. I walked up to the counter, and the lady who always greets me said, "Good morning, do you have an appointment?" I said no, but I need to update my medical records. Her eyebrows went up, and she said, "OH! We were told you'd be in to update them!" On the one hand, it was a little disappointing that she recognized me. On the other, it took some time for her to realize it. I had to fill out a new set of background paperwork, and have a new picture taken (to which she said, "Beautiful!"), and off I went with smiles all around.

Well, what the heck. I'm going right past my eye doctor on the way home. Might as well... Walked up to the desk - need to update medical records - come around to the back - last name?

"First name?"

"Well, that's the thing."

"Oh! Do you have new ID?" I had my new driver's license in my hand, she looked and smiled, and went to the back to make a copy. She took my updated insurance card, made changes in the files, and all was well. As I packed up my purse, she smiled even bigger and said, "More power to you! Good luck!" I said thank you, it's going very well, and she said she was glad.


When I got home I listened to a voice mail on my phone from a guy who's heading a volunteer crew at the Sun N Fun fly-in in April, and he wants me on his team. He called to talk to Steph about it.

Maybe not up to the same standards, but I hope to see SpaceX launch the the Falcon 9 Heavy from my house in a few hours. Though it's 100 miles away, it should be very visible from here.

But the most wonderful news of all came from that bestest friend I mentioned above. I'm not going to ruin her surprise - that's for her to post in her own thread - but it made me so happy I can hardly stand it.

Grin grin grin!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180206/3c703d72732998c7017822f3c8ec913d.jpg)

Life is pretty dang good...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 06, 2018, 11:24:56 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 06, 2018, 10:40:38 AM
Grin grin grin!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180206/3c703d72732998c7017822f3c8ec913d.jpg)

Life is pretty dang good...

Stephanie
If that's your "pretty dang good" grin, I really want to see your "fantabulous" grin!   :D

I am so happy that things are going well for you, Steph!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 06, 2018, 11:33:03 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 06, 2018, 11:24:56 AM
If that's your "pretty dang good" grin, I really want to see your "fantabulous" grin!   :D

I am so happy that things are going well for you, Steph!

I tried that and my face cracked. Not quite so outrageous:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180206/5ddda067035ee6caf74767ef89e87e35.jpg)


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 06, 2018, 11:35:41 AM
Hi Steph({a}n)[ie]

  Day after day you add you your own joy as you realize and continue to make changes in your life. I believe you are even making progress in handling the occasional misnaming or misgendering. Yes they can sneak up on you but you'll get better at coping as you get better at accepting yourself in your heart. Yes hun you are still working on it there too. If you where securely entrenched in your self identity these external hiccups wouldn't be that much of a problem for you. You are getting there though little by little you inch toward it. You will get there with the help of all of us, But especially with those closest to you Sue, Cassie, Kendra come to mind here. Where would we be without our support systems?
  I also want to say your "grin" picture looks great hun.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 06, 2018, 04:19:27 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 06, 2018, 11:33:03 AM
I tried that and my face cracked. Not quite so outrageous:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180206/5ddda067035ee6caf74767ef89e87e35.jpg)

I keep telling you, that is one sassy lady in this picture! Hugs!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on February 06, 2018, 05:34:30 PM
Cassie, I will fully agree with you on that, she sure is cute and sassy!

You are looking good Steph!

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 06, 2018, 05:41:57 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 06, 2018, 10:40:38 AM...
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180206/3c703d72732998c7017822f3c8ec913d.jpg) ...

This, right here, STEPH!!  That smile obviously means you were just caught red-handed in some tomfoolery .. fess up!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 06, 2018, 05:43:48 PM
I suspect Faith is right on the reason for the grinning...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 06, 2018, 06:03:30 PM
Quote from: Faith on February 06, 2018, 05:41:57 PM
This, right here, STEPH!!  That smile obviously means you were just caught red-handed in some tomfoolery .. fess up!!

I didn't do it. Nobody saw me. You can't prove anything.

Also: I'll never do it again, and Pics or it didn't happen.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 06, 2018, 10:35:15 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 06, 2018, 10:40:38 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180206/3c703d72732998c7017822f3c8ec913d.jpg)

Folks, allow me to introduce the New and Improved Steph 2.1, which includes the following exciting new features:

Confidence Engine 2.1: Tackle interpersonal and bureaucratic challenges many times faster than previous versions.
Gender Autocorrect: Any voice input containing erroneous gender pronouns will be instantly and consistently corrected.
Deadname Autoresponder: Auto-replies to deadnaming with right and proper name.
Fast Reliable Instant Emotional Networking Device (F.R.I.E.N.D.): Readily establishes connections to support resources in the event of a slowdown or crash.
Standard Independent System Terminator - Emotional Runaway (S.I.S.T.E.R.): Mitigates impact of runaway emotional processing jobs and will take over communication in the event of F.R.I.E.N.D. interface failure. Also provides refresh of stale emotional states.

Bugfixes:
Emotional subroutine consuming excessive processing resources: Enhancements to Confidence Engine enable early detection and redirect of runaway emotions. Engages F.R.I.E.N.D. interface as needed.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 07, 2018, 12:51:29 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on February 06, 2018, 10:35:15 PM
Folks, allow me to introduce the New and Improved Steph 2.1, which includes the following exciting new features:

Confidence Engine 2.1: Tackle interpersonal and bureaucratic challenges many times faster than previous versions.
Gender Autocorrect: Any voice input containing erroneous gender pronouns will be instantly and consistently corrected.
Deadname Autoresponder: Auto-replies to deadnaming with right and proper name.
Fast Reliable Instant Emotional Networking Device (F.R.I.E.N.D.): Readily establishes connections to support resources in the event of a slowdown or crash.
Standard Independent System Terminator - Emotional Runaway (S.I.S.T.E.R.): Mitigates impact of runaway emotional processing jobs and will take over communication in the event of F.R.I.E.N.D. interface failure. Also provides refresh of stale emotional states.

Bugfixes:
Emotional subroutine consuming excessive processing resources: Enhancements to Confidence Engine enable early detection and redirect of runaway emotions. Engages F.R.I.E.N.D. interface as needed.

Highlevel Algorithm for Parsing Pleasing Inputs (H.A.P.P.I.): Enables more efficient processing dependent on and proportional to positive biases from S.I.S.T.E.R. and F.R.I.E.N.D. subroutines. Currently v1.1b, but release imminent due to bug-free results of current testing.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 07, 2018, 05:07:11 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 07, 2018, 12:51:29 AM
Highlevel Algorithm for Parsing Pleasing Inputs (H.A.P.P.I.): Enables more efficient processing dependent on and proportional to positive biases from S.I.S.T.E.R. and F.R.I.E.N.D. subroutines. Currently v1.1b, but release imminent due to bug-free results of current testing.


- Stephanie
Hmmm Did I hear crickets or was that just the sound of (((Ste)(p)a)ni)e thinking of her response?

It's 3 am and all is well. Only 105 miles to go. With morning traffic it may take several more hours to go wake Michelle.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 07, 2018, 06:07:57 AM
Quote from: Laurie on February 07, 2018, 05:07:11 AM
Hmmm Did I hear crickets or was that just the sound of (((Ste)(p)a)ni)e thinking of her response?

It's 3 am and all is well. Only 105 miles to go. With morning traffic it may take several more hours to go wake Michelle.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Dunno about crickets, but there was the sound of gears grinding and a lot of smoke.

Wearing your badger repellant?

(573P84N13)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 07, 2018, 11:31:43 AM
Quote from: Laurie on February 07, 2018, 05:07:11 AM
Hmmm Did I hear crickets or was that just the sound of (((Ste)(p)a)ni)e thinking of her response?

If Steph's humor is anything like mine at all, you can never public post the first thing that comes to mind.
The way my Dad was while I was raised really took a toll on my mind when it comes to appropriate humor responses ... "But I'm feeling much better now".
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 07, 2018, 12:10:09 PM
Quote from: Faith on February 07, 2018, 11:31:43 AM
If Steph's humor is anything like mine at all, you can never public post the first thing that comes to mind.
The way my Dad was while I was raised really took a toll on my mind when it comes to appropriate humor responses ... "But I'm feeling much better now".

I'm not dead yet!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 07, 2018, 01:56:48 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on February 06, 2018, 10:35:15 PM
Folks, allow me to introduce the New and Improved Steph 2.1, which includes the following exciting new features:

Confidence Engine 2.1: Tackle interpersonal and bureaucratic challenges many times faster than previous versions.
Gender Autocorrect: Any voice input containing erroneous gender pronouns will be instantly and consistently corrected.
Deadname Autoresponder: Auto-replies to deadnaming with right and proper name.
Fast Reliable Instant Emotional Networking Device (F.R.I.E.N.D.): Readily establishes connections to support resources in the event of a slowdown or crash.
Standard Independent System Terminator - Emotional Runaway (S.I.S.T.E.R.): Mitigates impact of runaway emotional processing jobs and will take over communication in the event of F.R.I.E.N.D. interface failure. Also provides refresh of stale emotional states.

Bugfixes:
Emotional subroutine consuming excessive processing resources: Enhancements to Confidence Engine enable early detection and redirect of runaway emotions. Engages F.R.I.E.N.D. interface as needed.


Very clever.  :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 07, 2018, 03:37:50 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 07, 2018, 06:07:57 AM
Dunno about crickets, but there was the sound of gears grinding and a lot of smoke.

Wearing your badger repellant?

(573P84N13)
So far badger repellent hasn't been necessary.  I haven't seen them yet. Mayhaps Michelle locked them up.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 07, 2018, 04:33:33 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 07, 2018, 03:37:50 PM
So far badger repellent hasn't been necessary.  I haven't seen them yet. Mayhaps Michelle locked them up.

I suggest checking under the bed. [emoji33]

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 08, 2018, 10:08:11 AM
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on February 07, 2018, 01:56:48 PM
Very clever.  :)

Every now and again, my addled, sleep-deprived brain spits out a nugget of what could be interpreted as "gold". Now, whether that may or may not be "fool's gold" is certainly open for debate! :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 08, 2018, 11:10:52 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on February 08, 2018, 10:08:11 AM
Every now and again, my addled, sleep-deprived brain spits out a nugget of what could be interpreted as "gold". Now, whether that may or may not be "fool's gold" is certainly open for debate! :D

And then I have to come up with something just as clever. No pressure...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 08, 2018, 11:43:13 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 07, 2018, 04:33:33 PM
I suggest checking under the bed. [emoji33]

Stephanie
Still no sign of honey badgers, not even under the bed. There has been a fair amount of sweetness here though. Somehow it makes me a little wary in a Hansel and Gretel kind of way. Michelle's apartment isn't made of ginger bread but there are cookies and milk readily available.  If she keeps feeding me I will surely get fatter. I am a little confused about the walking tour of the town she gave me yesterday. The exercise seems to be somewhat at odds with the lavish feedings she's been giving. Obviously I will need to be on guard for ulterior motives today.

Hugs,
    Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 09, 2018, 09:53:45 AM
Happy Friday, everyone. A toast to another great day as me!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180209/2318e0f5201baec0bffc6e9219e820a0.jpg)


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 09, 2018, 10:00:58 AM
I'd toast back atcha Steph, but I ate it.

Happy Friday Gorgeous

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 09, 2018, 10:03:05 AM
Quote from: Faith on February 09, 2018, 10:00:58 AM
I'd toast back atcha Steph, but I ate it.

Happy Friday Gorgeous

Back atcha, Cutie!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 09, 2018, 10:44:06 AM
Quote from: Faith on February 09, 2018, 10:00:58 AM
> I'd toast back atcha Steph, but I ate it.

That's a jam.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 09, 2018, 11:12:47 AM
So why'm I in such a good mood? It's been a few more nice days.

Remember when I mentioned the paperwork SNAFU at Quest Diagnostics? Well, I took another swipe at it yesterday... and the paperwork was still #*a@%ed up. But the nurse was so nice and helpful, and the doctor's office that made the mistake was so apologetic, and everyone used the right name and pronouns, so it ended up being a net positive experience.

Back home to pick up Sue. We'd decided to try switching from ATT to that new 55+ plan at T-mobile, so we girls drove to one of those pink stores. Giselle asked if both we ladies were going to be on the same plan, then who would be the primary account holder. Before Sue could answer I grabbed my ID and credit card and handed them over with a big smile. Both have the correct name, of course. The only thing that made me sweat was when she said she'd have to run a quick credit check. I haven't attempted to change anything with the credit reporting services yet. Apparently there were no problems with that. There were other problems with her computer system, though, to the point where she had to call her support folks for help. She explained that there were two ladies attempting to switch their service. There was a pause,and she said, "Ok, let me put her on," and handed me the phone. I came very close to making the guy at the other end think there was a feedback loop (SQUEEEEEEE!) but I restrained myself and concentrated on my voice. We got it all worked out and while Giselle was working through the paperwork, the lady standing next to me struck up a conversation. She was literally 16 inches from me, and just started chatting about why she was upgrading her phone and wondering what to do with the old one and... well I forget the details. I was just so lost in the moment and nearly staggered by the fact that I was just having a smiling, unselfconscious chat with another lady who I'd never met before. It was just so incredibly warm and affirming. Finally everything was wrapped up, and we left with working phones, smiles, and a "Thank you, ladies."

From there it was to the Mother Ship for lunch and tech support on her computer. I was greeted with, "Hi, Stephanie, it's good to see my daughter!"  (Or something like that.) I couldn't stop grinning, and we hugged for a long time. We ate comfort food and I figured out the computer problem. Mom and her hubby still fall into the misgendering and old-naming traps, but they're getting better, and I'm making peace with the idea that this'll take a while, and I just throw out gentle reminders as needed.

On the way home we needed to do some shopping at Wally World. A few staples, a Keurig coffee maker on sale for $50, and the best part: new shoes!  I found some really cute black ballet flats and some tan flats with neat cross-cross straps, not only in my size, but really comfortable, too! As other ladies shopped in the same aisle we excused ourselves as we got out of each other's way, and there was no weirdness at all. Went home to dinner and a nice evening.

This morning it was back to Quest for one more shot at the lab tests. Signed in, and there was a much bigger crowd waiting today - but nobody looked twice. Finally, the nurse called me - in the past two tries she'd used my last name, but today it was, "Steph, come on back!" We seem like old friends now who've been through a battle together. When she sat down to draw blood she wanted to chat about the weird morning she'd had. Based on the tests the order calls for, she must know my story, but she gave no indication of it at all. It was just more girl talk, sharing our trials and tribulations without filters. It seems like women are just comfortable talking with me. And I love it! Now that I think about it, this isn't a new thing. It seems like women have always felt comfortable around me. I must have been sending signals even I didn't know about.

I had to do some more shopping on the way home, and once I got into the store, I didn't want to leave. I just wanted to spend more time out in the world as me.

Irrational exuberance? Maybe. But I don't care. I keep recalling lines from Whitman's The Song of the Open Road that I've quoted here before. They've been burned into my mind, and I thank Ashley once again for introducing me to them:

QuoteI inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine,
and the north and the south are mine.
I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women
You have done such good to me I would do the same to you

Where has the fear gone? Once in a while I catch a few whispers of it, but it seems to have faded into the distance, with just a faint echo heard once in a while.

Maybe this won't last, but I will enjoy it while it does. I hope you all find this sort of joy in your lives, too.

- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 09, 2018, 11:28:05 AM
All I saw was ** new shoes** ;D

Awesome day summary Stephanieieieieieeeee (did you watch it yet?). I could feel the raw emotion pouring across the interwebs and infecting the masses. I think the sun just brightened.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 09, 2018, 11:38:48 AM
Quote from: Faith on February 09, 2018, 11:28:05 AM
All I saw was ** new shoes** [emoji1]

Awesome day summary Stephanieieieieieeeee (did you watch it yet?). I could feel the raw emotion pouring across the interwebs and infecting the masses. I think the sun just brightened.

Wow, if new shoes brighten your day, let me tell you about my skinny jeans! Better not. You need to get some work done.

No dangit, I haven't seen that movie yet. I wonder if it's on Netflix.

Heh. Emotion. When Cassie and I split the room on our two road trips, I could hear her using her electric toothbrush. Eeeoooowwwweeeooowwweeeeeooowwwww. And unbidden into my mind I heard:

[emoji443]Sweeeeeeeeeet Emooooooooootion! [emoji445]🤣


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on February 09, 2018, 11:41:15 AM
Hi Steph,

First off, congratulations on a great day and more that these great days are becoming the norm for you!

Second, I have been pondering the idea of "safe places" more and more. In the guy world, safe wasn't a concept but something created by presence and some manifestation of strength and position in the pack. For the women in my spheres, it is recognized through relationship and openess. It has always been there for at least women of my age range and men don't see that it is life working as it should. Welcome to the club!

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 09, 2018, 11:43:29 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on February 09, 2018, 11:41:15 AMWelcome to the club!

Thank you. It is truly wonderful to be here.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on February 09, 2018, 11:54:07 AM
Yes, it is a wonderful club. But you mentioned shopping, Deb and I are heading off on another road trip in an hour or so for some extended play time and SHOPPING in Las Vegas for a week. We are taking our SUV to carry our haul home.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 09, 2018, 11:55:21 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on February 09, 2018, 11:54:07 AM
Yes, it is a wonderful club. But you mentioned shopping, Deb and I are heading off on another road trip in an hour or so for some extended play time and SHOPPING in Las Vegas for a week. We are taking our SUV to carry our haul home.

Wooo! I hope your injuries don't slow you down too much. Have fun and report in when you can!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 09, 2018, 12:24:23 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 09, 2018, 11:12:47 AM
> We'd decided to try switching from ATT to that new 55+ plan at T-mobile, so we girls drove to one of those pink stores. Giselle asked if both we ladies were going to be on the same plan, then who would be the primary account holder. Before Sue could answer I grabbed my ID and credit card and handed them over with a big smile. Both have the correct name, of course. The only thing that made me sweat was when she said she'd have to run a quick credit check. I haven't attempted to change anything with the credit reporting services yet. Apparently there were no problems with that. There were other problems with her computer system, though, to the point where she had to call her support folks for help. She explained that there were two ladies attempting to switch their service. There was a pause,and she said, "Ok, let me put her on," and handed me the phone. I came very close to making the guy at the other end think there was a feedback loop (SQUEEEEEEE!) but I restrained myself and concentrated on my voice

The SqueeeeeeMobile plan!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 09, 2018, 12:27:09 PM
Quote from: Kendra on February 09, 2018, 12:24:23 PM
The SqueeeeeeMobile plan!

[emoji23]🤪🤣
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 09, 2018, 12:28:26 PM
Quote from: Kendra on February 09, 2018, 12:24:23 PM
The SqueeeeeeMobile plan!

I thought it was the Trans-Mobile plan?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on February 09, 2018, 05:01:38 PM
Saw a bit of that movie on TV a couple of weeks ago, beautiful Stephanie. Shopping ,darnt go as no monies. I find ladies talk easy to me as well
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on February 09, 2018, 07:10:51 PM
Quote from: davina61 on February 09, 2018, 05:01:38 PM
Saw a bit of that movie on TV a couple of weeks ago, beautiful Stephanie. Shopping ,darnt go as no monies. I find ladies talk easy to me as well

I think I saw that movie.  Wasn't it called "Can You Hear Me Now?"
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 11, 2018, 12:42:08 AM
Wow, what a nice day...

We started out by meeting my bestest friend Cassie and her friend and coworker A for breakfast at the local restaurant - the one where we'd eaten after my name change court appointment. Our waitress was the same one who I'd had a misgendering encounter with a while back. This time she was so nice, making sure we girls were well taken care of.

Cassie had brought A over because she is a huge aviation nut, and I have custody of the airplane I'd built for a little while. We talked for a while until conditions improved enough for flying, and we went for a flight. She had the time of her life.

A, me, and Cassie.
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/wb40xtwjk5nbpnd/ASC%20and%20plane.jpg?raw=1)

After we landed we talked again for a while, then A had to leave. She got in her vehicle, and we ended up talking out in the driveway for almost another hour. I got to know an amazingly talented, intelligent woman - someone I'd be proud to emulate some day. She knows about my transition, and is completely supportive and understanding. At one point when I'd commented that I didn't feel like I passed very well, she assured me that she only sees a real woman when she looks at me. She is the second person to say such a thing to me recently - the first being our own Tia Anne Blake. I know I'm not supposed to care about external validation and affirmation, but at this point in my transition, that kind of thing is so welcome to hear. She left with hugs and the idea of coming back with her mom, husband, and daughter. It was an honor to recognize such an awesome new friend. (I describe it that way because of a quote I've used in the past by G Henrichs: We do not make friends, we recognize them.)

Later in the day I received two emails from potential customers, both using my old name. I'd talked to them both on the phone, and told them that it was Stephanie Bensinger returning their call, but then the conversation turned to technical things, and I didn't feel it was relevant to throw things out of balance by coming out to them then. When I got the emails, though, I had to do something. They'd obviously not gotten the subtle message, since both were addressed to "Steve." So I wrote the following, with small changes to match the situation:

QuoteSince you've been addressing your messages to "Steve", I need to inform you of another issue. I hinted about it on our call, but I didn't stress the issue, since it wasn't relevant to the technical discussion at hand. It will become important, however, as we communicate further. It's regarding a medical condition I'm dealing with, and is a bit awkward to explain.

I won't waste your time with in-depth explanations, and get right to it. Last year I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. In other words, I am transgender. I am undergoing medically-directed transition from male to female. The "Steve" you wrote to no longer exists, either legally or physically. My name is now Stephanie Bensinger. The treatment has perfectly addressed long-standing medical issues, has been completely effective, and I have never been happier in my life.

My priorities are my family, my health, and my business. The first two are wonderful now, and my dedication to my business is strong. The changes in my life have only strengthened my ability to support my customers.

The Xxxxx factory [the supplier of the product I sell] knows of this, is fully supportive, and has renewed its commitment to working with me.

If it's something that you don't want to deal with, I understand. It's not an easy thing to get your head around, and I would in no way hold it against you if you would rather not work with me. I hope that's not the case, though, and there is a continued possibility of doing business in the future.

Sincerely,

Ms. Stephanie Bensinger

From one of the customers I received this reply, in part:

QuoteStephanie-

First off, I have no issues with your gender identity. Hopefully, it keeps you healthy and happy. I do understand that there are a disproportionate number of COWGs (Cranky Old White Guys) in aviation.

And then it was back to business. I haven't heard from the other guy yet.

Aaaand, finally... It got quite warm here for the first time in a couple months. I had to shed the jeans and long-sleeved tops I'd adopted when the weather cooled off, and put on some shorts to let my legs feel some air, along with a women's short sleeve top. I had been self-conscious about women's tops because the sleeves are so short, and I was worried about my big arms and forearms, and my legs hadn't been out in public view for quite a while. But then I saw myself in the mirror... and later when I looked down while sitting in the couch with my legs crossed, and, well, they were both "dang!" moments. I hope it's not too narcissistic, but I actually like the way I look. Again, I worry about getting self-centered, but I'm going to allow myself a little self-acceptance. After all these years of hating who I was, it's such a change to actually learn that, while I'm far from perfect, I'm doing pretty well.

I'm beginning to love myself. I'm becoming truly happy. The wounds are healing.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on February 11, 2018, 12:57:41 AM
"Dang!"

Those moments are the very best, the moments when we realize that, hey, we really are in motion towards our goals!

Congratulations again!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LJH24 on February 11, 2018, 01:20:43 AM
Stephanie,
Love hearing about all the positives in your life! <3
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 11, 2018, 05:38:57 AM
Steph, it's good to read about your continuing affirming moments. Keep smiling (and flying high, of course)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on February 11, 2018, 06:35:52 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 11, 2018, 12:42:08 AM

I'm beginning to love myself. I'm becoming truly happy. The wounds are healing.

Stephanie

I just got caught up on your thread.  It's heart warming to read all these affirming stories.  This phrase at the end sticks out for me.  Being able to feel this way is the whole reason for our journey.  So happy for you Steph.

I can't wait to have a day like you've been having too.  I just get looks and weird smiles, and sir-ed everywhere still.  On the plus side my closet is nearly empty now.  I got rid of almost all my boy clothes.  Anything new I buy will have to be for Bari Jo to hopefully I'll pass a bit more soon.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 11, 2018, 06:42:26 AM
Quote from: Bari Jo on February 11, 2018, 06:35:52 AM
I just got caught up on your thread.  It's heart warming to read all these affirming stories.  This phrase at the end sticks out for me.  Being able to feel this way is the whole reason for our journey.  So happy for you Steph.

I can't wait to have a day like you've been having too.  I just get looks and weird smiles, and sir-ed everywhere still.  On the plus side my closet is nearly empty now.  I got rid of almost all my boy clothes.  Anything new I buy will have to be for Bari Jo to hopefully I'll pass a bit more soon.

Bari Jo

I've been watching your growth on your thread, too, and it's so cool to watch your progress!

It's a rough ride, so hang on tight and keep arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. But you'll get there!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 11, 2018, 06:58:35 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 11, 2018, 12:42:08 AMI know I'm not supposed to care about external validation and affirmation, but at this point in my transition, that kind of thing is so welcome to hear.
You don't need external validation, but it's okay to enjoy it when it happens.
Quote
I'm beginning to love myself. I'm becoming truly happy.
Reading this makes me happy, too!   :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on February 11, 2018, 01:23:53 PM
I am very happy things are going so well for you, Steph.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 11, 2018, 09:09:09 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 11, 2018, 12:42:08 AM
After all these years of hating who I was, it's such a change to actually learn that, while I'm far from perfect, I'm doing pretty well.

I'm beginning to love myself. I'm becoming truly happy. The wounds are healing.


Yesss! You've swum the river through the deepest, most dangerous parts. The water is getting shallower now.
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/yy96m9mcqjchf92/sisters.jpg)
This time next year, I want this to be us on the beach with margaritas in hand, just laughing our tails off at whatever sophomoric humor strikes our fancy.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 11, 2018, 09:46:48 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on February 11, 2018, 09:09:09 PM
Yesss! You've swum the river through the deepest, most dangerous parts. The water is getting shallower now.
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/yy96m9mcqjchf92/sisters.jpg)
This time next year, I want this to be us on the beach with margaritas in hand, just laughing our tails off at whatever sophomoric humor strikes our fancy.

Pinky swear, sister.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 11, 2018, 10:56:35 PM
Just living...

In August of 2017 Sue and I attended our second social gathering of the Trans Support group in St. Pete, FL. A group of us went out to a local watering hole afterward, and someone mentioned that there was going to be a concert with the Florida Orchestra when they would be playing the music of Star Trek and Star Wars. A bunch of them already had tickets. It sounded like fun, so when we got home we ordered some.

I was still pretty terrified of going out in public, and it took all my courage to go out to the bar with them. I clearly remember wondering how far I would be in my transition when I attended on February 11, 2018, unimaginably far off in the future. Would I still be terrified? What would I wear? Would I still be dressing androgynously? Would people point and snicker? Would I even have the courage to go at all? Would I have lost all my friends by then? In my darker moments I even wondered would I still even exist then?

Tonight Sue and I met the same group who we'd hung out with that night back in August. We hadn't seen some of them since then. I wore a beautiful floral silk wrap dress and cute ballet flats. And I was completely at ease. In my purse was my ID and credit cards in my own name. I carried the knowledge that I hadn't lost a single friend, family member, or business associate as I'd come out. I moved through the crowds smiling, got my picture taken with some of the Star Wars cosplayers there, sat next to a stranger, stood in line in the ladies room, and had absolutely no trouble all night from anyone. I had an absolutely wonderful time. As me.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180212/3e33282d5a7607a7c056e96f0529d654.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180212/06933d2dd3bc0a2a79eeb11a4114fe3a.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180212/3ac7305bb1a7d9691cb4b2dbc1476e97.jpg)

The first half of the concert was all Star Trek music, including an orchestral version of the penny whistle theme from the TNG episode The Inner Light, judged to be the most popular episode of that series. I usually tear up when I see it on TV, but the power of hearing it live was too much, and I cried openly. The cool thing is I could do it all unashamedly.

The second half was all Star Wars music. I admit I don't know the movies all that well.  I don't dislike them, but just never got back into them when they started back up with episode 1. But the sweeping majesty of John Williams' compositions harmonized with my thoughts on the journey I'd traveled in the seven months since we'd bought those tickets. The music illustrated the battles, confusion, victories, sad passages, and with the final theme, joyful marching forward into a brighter future that my life has been.

I suppose there will come a time when I look back on experiences like these with fond nostalgia or even wry humor, but while my anxiety is gone, it's all still novel enough that it induces a bit of euphoria. I simply couldn't stop grinning all night, except for the few times when the emotion of the music overcame me.

I was a bit sad when it was over. I didn't want it to end. But then I realized this isn't the end. It's only the beginning of a wonderful new life.

Just living.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 12, 2018, 12:03:35 AM
Stephanie, just one word comes to mind.  Wow.

Ok more than one word... what you wrote gave me goosebumps. 
(And I'm sort of somewhat vegetarian, am I allowed that?)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Charlie Nicki on February 12, 2018, 08:01:07 AM
Steph that looks like a lot of fun! :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 12, 2018, 08:11:34 AM
Quote from: Kendra on February 12, 2018, 12:03:35 AM
Stephanie, just one word comes to mind.  Wow.

Ok more than one word... what you wrote gave me goosebumps. 
(And I'm sort of somewhat vegetarian, am I allowed that?)

Cucumber bumps came to mind, but no longer apply. Avocado bumps?

Eh. I blow gooseberries at you. 


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 12, 2018, 08:39:56 AM
What fun, Steph!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 12, 2018, 09:38:30 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 12, 2018, 08:39:56 AM
What fun, Steph!
Incredible fun. I don't go to cons so I don't often see cosplayers, and everyone had a blast with it.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180212/43c190bf36f48ece82559fda3ec282af.jpg)

And the music... when watching a movie, the music enhances the visuals, and vision tends to take precedence. Hearing the music directly with no distractions is an entirely different experience. That, along with invoking memories of when I played bassoon in school concerts, made it extremely powerful. And being there as me, with new-found freedom to live it unfiltered, made it sublime.

I watched the entire video of the concert you played in, Kathy, and it made me yearn to be part of that kind of thing again.

Michael Francis, the conductor, actually was playing double bass in the orchestra when many of the Star Wars compositions were recorded for the movies. He told of having light saber fight scenes projected on a huge screen above them while they were recording, and while John Williams himself watched from the balcony. And he had such fun with it all. Referring to Star Trek, he joked that when you have an award winning British Shakespearean actor in a movie, they are supposed to be the bad guy. And for God's sake, don't give him a French name! During Rey's Theme, she came out on stage with a light saber and struck heroic poses. During the Imperial March, Darth Vader came out and forced the conductor off the stage (without touching him) and strutted around until Emperor Palpatine chased him off and took over conducting. Everybody clapped along with the Cantina Band music. And during the finale Star Wars Main Title theme, Michael Francis conducted the orchestra with a light saber. Standing ovations and huge smiles all around.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180212/a22eac40584d8ec28c5c126ea59d1276.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180212/57400f38585b5e3abc8e8cad6050e4e9.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180212/6fa00bbc597fe4251855609e88043e88.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180212/3c22ef83d2c2317b03afa052f4733d09.jpg)

In the middle of it all it occurred to me that the only thing that could have made it better would be if Cassie and all of you could have been there to share it with me. Well, that and actually having some salt on my pretzel...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on February 12, 2018, 11:51:28 AM
My goodness Steph you're a bundle of energy, I can't follow your thread, let alone imagine your schedule!

Hugs from the chilly Northeast!

p.s.nice starwars posts! I have some recent star wars related stories but they're not pg rated :-)

p.p.s quest diagnostics?? Hrt monitoring?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on February 12, 2018, 12:35:18 PM
Quote from: SadieBlake on February 12, 2018, 11:51:28 AM
My goodness Steph you're a bundle of energy, I can't follow your thread, let alone imagine your schedule!

Hugs from the chilly Northeast!

p.s.nice starwars posts! I have some recent star wars related stories but they're not pg rated :-)

p.p.s quest diagnostics?? Hrt monitoring?

Thanks a lot!  Now I can only visualize Steph pacing back and forth beating a drum as the human Energizer Bunny :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 12, 2018, 01:48:02 PM
Quote from: SadieBlake on February 12, 2018, 11:51:28 AM
My goodness Steph you're a bundle of energy, I can't follow your thread, let alone imagine your schedule!

Hah. If you only knew. Lots of drowsiness punctuated by very occasional peaks of frenetic activity.

QuoteHugs from the chilly Northeast!

p.s.nice starwars posts! I have some recent star wars related stories but they're not pg rated :-)

[emoji15][emoji15][emoji15]

Quotep.p.s quest diagnostics?? Hrt monitoring?

Exactamundo!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on February 12, 2018, 08:32:28 PM
I absolutely love when people geek out like you are doing Steph.  I'd have gone with you if I was in town.  Two Halloween's ago we had Nightmare Before Xmas live at the Hollywood bowl.  It had all the original cast singing along with an orchestra live.  Even Paul Reubans was there.  You are my kinda lady friend.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 12, 2018, 09:17:44 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on February 12, 2018, 08:32:28 PM
I absolutely love when people geek out like you are doing Steph.  I'd have gone with you if I was in town.  Two Halloween's ago we had Nightmare Before Xmas live at the Hollywood bowl.  It had all the original cast singing along with an orchestra live.  Even Paul Reubans was there.  You are my kinda lady friend.

It would have been awesome to have you there, girlfriend. I am a bit of a geek, especially with the Star Trek stuff, but I admit that with Star Wars I'm a bit lost. But wow, I had no idea how awesome John Williams' compositions are until I heard them pure. Very powerful!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 12, 2018, 09:36:08 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 12, 2018, 09:17:44 PM
It would have been awesome to have you there, girlfriend. I am a bit of a geek, especially with the Star Trek stuff, but I admit that with Star Wars I'm a bit lost. But wow, I had no idea how awesome John Williams' compositions are until I heard them pure. Very powerful!


- Stephanie

Stephanie,

You might enjoy seeing the Star Trek stuff at the Science Fiction/Pop Culture Museum (its name may have changed) in Seattle.  The museum I am thinking of is next to the Space Needle.

Chrissy
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 12, 2018, 09:45:46 PM
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on February 12, 2018, 09:36:08 PM
Stephanie,

You might enjoy seeing the Star Trek stuff at the Science Fiction/Pop Culture Museum (its name may have changed) in Seattle.  The museum I am thinking of is next to the Space Needle.

Chrissy

Cool, thanks Chrissy! Yet another reason to go back to Seattle. I'm getting quite a list of them!

While I enjoyed seeing new things before, since I've allowed myself to be I have this insatiable craving to go out with arms wide and just soak in the world as me. Seattle will have to be one of the stops.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on February 12, 2018, 09:46:40 PM
Trekkers are kewl.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 13, 2018, 05:40:49 AM
I don't Facebook a lot - my last post there had been on January 15th. But I had such a good time on Sunday that I posted some pictures and a blurb about it. I just now popped in to see what people thought about it. I reread the short description I'd written and something seemed different about it.

I realized something profound.

All of my posts since I'd reactivated the account back in October had in one way or another been about transitioning. This last one was about just living. While I wrote in-depth here about what it all meant to my new life, I apparently didn't think those things were worth mentioning on Facebook. I hadn't even realized what I'd done until now.

Just as Sarah hadn't realized until later that she'd wrote about taking cake to work to share with the other ladies, it seems like another milestone passed.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on February 13, 2018, 12:48:12 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 13, 2018, 05:40:49 AM
I don't Facebook a lot - my last post there had been on January 15th. But I had such a good time on Sunday that I posted some pictures and a blurb about it. I just now popped in to see what people thought about it. I reread the short description I'd written and something seemed different about it.

I realized something profound.

All of my posts since I'd reactivated the account back in October had in one way or another been about transitioning. This last one was about just living. While I wrote in-depth here about what it all meant to my new life, I apparently didn't think those things were worth mentioning on Facebook. I hadn't even realized what I'd done until now.

Just as Sarah hadn't realized until later that she'd wrote about taking cake to work to share with the other ladies, it seems like another milestone passed.

Stephanie

That's awesome!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 02:00:46 AM
I hope I'm not boring everyone with these updates, but I kind of consider this thread to be my journal now. So here's the fun stuff that happened today...

Actually, it started out not so fun. I thought I'd experiment with curls today. Washed my hair, then used some of that mousse stuff, and tried my curling iron. Meh results. So I thought I'd try wrapping my hair around my brush and using the blow dryer on it. HUUUGE MISTAKE! My hair was wrapped into the brush... and I couldn't unwrap it. It was rolled up against my head and wouldn't come loose. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to get it out and I'd have to cut the hair. Panic and tears. If I had to cut it, since it was right up against my head, I'd be effectively bald.

After finally getting my brain back together, my solution was to get some long nose pliers and basically disassemble the brush. I pulled bristles out one by one until I could finally unwind my hair. And that's why I now have new brushes. And I still have my hair. Crisis averted...

Next project: get a problem straightened out with a bank concerning my old name on the account. Long story, but after thinking I could get it all done online, I finally hit a wall and had to make a phone call. I'd been putting it off for about a week, and finally had no other choice. So I warmed up my "voice" and called. Strangely enough I was put directly through to a nice lady. After doing my best to avoid the subject, I finally had to out myself to her. She was confused at first, since my voice was apparently more appropriate for my new name (yay!), then after I told her about my old name she thought that I was trying to set up an account for my daughter Stephanie. Then she finally understood, and I was just Stephanie to her for the rest of the conversation. After many technical trials and tribulations we got everything straightened out, and I was treated very well for the rest of the call, which ended with her asking, "Is there anything else I can do for you today, Stephanie?" It was another case of "What the heck was I worried about?" and another hurdle jumped.

Then it was on to trying to figure out why I hadn't heard from Dr. Ting's office at Mt. Sinai hospital in New York. I'd contacted them at the beginning of January and communication was very good with the first two emails. I provided them the paperwork they needed, and then I waited. I sent them two other messages letting them know my progress with letters and doctor's appointments, and asked a few simple questions, to which I haven't had even an acknowledgement. So I called, hoping to talk to the person who'd last sent me an email. Again I practiced my voice, and ended up leaving a message with the service with a promise that it would be passed along. So once again I wait. But at least the call went as well as it could.

Finally it was time to venture out into the cold world again. I'd been putting off going to the post office to mail a package, and getting the propane tank for my grill refilled, for almost two weeks. Once again, something that used to be so familiar and ordinary became a big adventure when doing it as my new self for the first time. I grabbed that very special package that had been waiting to go to my sister, along with the empty propane tank, threw them into the roller skate, and skittered off into town. I'll tell you what's in the package later, since the recipient of the package likes to keep tabs on me here (hey little sister!), but suffice to say that there was no issue at the post office at all. The nice lady asked all the questions I've been asked a hundred times before, I swiped my credit card - the one with the correct name on it - was told to "Have a good day" by the nice lady, and off to the propane place I buzzed with a grin on my face.

I've gotten the tanks refilled there countless times in the ten years I've lived here. The same old hispanic gentleman came around on his golf cart as always, and I had the tank waiting on the scale, despite it seeming unusually heavy. He connected it up, I gave him the cash, and we talked about how busy he was that day, and how the weather was starting to get hot again, while the tank was pumped full of boom juice. When it was done he disconnected, and nicely carried the tank over to the nice lady's car and loaded it for her (I was glad of it - when I unloaded it at home, there must have been a gravity storm in my area. It was a lot heavier than I remember). Another wish for a nice day, and my grin got a little wider. Time for grocery shopping at Wally World.

I'd done this particular task before as my new self, and had been unremarkably successful, so I didn't expect any trouble - and there wasn't any. Once again it was completely affirming as I loaded my cart with some new hairbrushes (see above, ugh), some fancy maroon nail polish (with sparklies!) and a bunch of groceries. In every personal encounter my smile was returned. A nice gentleman made a point to move out of my way with an apology when he saw me coming, and nobody looked twice at me. Generally I use the self-checkout, but this time I decided to push the envelope and deal with a cashier. And she was so nice. "Would you like your milk in a bag, ma'am?" The next cashier kept joking with her about how fast she was moving, and I ended up being part of the fun, telling her that her Fitbit was going to be very happy with her for working so hard. Smiles and banter all around. How fun! "Would you like to put your nail polish in your purse, ma'am?" Once again I got to use that magic piece of plastic with that beautiful new name on it, and left with "You have a nice day now, ma'am!" echoing in my head.

Holy smokes, it's almost 5:30! I raced home, threw all the cold stuff into the fridge, and buzzed back to the local restaurant to run the meeting of our flying club. By coincidence I happened to have on a donated blouse with the EAA logo on it, so I was already appropriately dressed. Everyone in the club knows my story, but I'm not sure about our waitress. I don't think she suspected anything, because she thought my wife was going to be on the same tab with our guy friend who was sitting on the other side of her from me. The waitress seemed slightly surprised that Sue and I would be on the same ticket instead. Heh heh. The meeting went as usual, which is exactly what I wanted. It was the typical herding cats scenario that had become so familiar to me as I ran these meetings for the last seven years, where the boisterous fun completely swamps any attempt at Roberts Rules of Order. And I loved it. Everyone got my name right, even those who'd had the most trouble adapting, and I felt right at home among them all as Stephanie.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180214/6ee73378c403577991c53ff64f905bf7.jpg)

I got home and took the Magster for a walk while still basking in the glow of a great affirming day. I wrote a reply to an email from my cool sister, started making arrangements for a meetup with Faith and her wife, traded a bunch of messages and enjoyed a video chat with Cassie (who'd had great adventures of her own today), and wrote this up. And here it is, way too late again.

On the surface it seems like it should be just another boring day of chores and running around. But right now everything is extraordinary, since I can do it as the person I've never allowed myself to be, despite that painful need. Nobody who hasn't been through this could ever understand just how wonderful it is to be myself - and none of you need an explanation.

For those who've gone before, thank you for showing me the way. For those just getting started, this is what you have to look forward to. Don't let the fear slow you down. Whatever you're afraid of is probably not going to happen, and if it does, you're strong enough to deal with it.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on February 14, 2018, 03:36:30 AM
Wow. What an affirming day all around.  I can't help but be amazed how much further along you are compared to me and we started hrt around the same time.  I don't think I can be in that situation for another six months at least.  You are awesome Steph!

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 14, 2018, 06:18:34 AM
What a great day, Stephanie!  I am glad you are enjoying real life so much, because it doesn't get old.  I am at ten months full-time, and the joy of being myself hasn't grown old yet.  There's a lot more of the same ahead of you.

Just think, cis women take this for granted!  I can't imagine taking it for granted, ever.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Charlie Nicki on February 14, 2018, 07:17:26 AM
This thread has become so extremely positive in the past few weeks and I love it. Not that it was negative before but I mean that a few pages back you were feeling down about this journey and had many fears, it is so inspiring to see you overcome everything and finally enjoy life. I hope to be there soon.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on February 14, 2018, 10:22:15 AM
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on February 14, 2018, 07:17:26 AM
This thread has become so extremely positive in the past few weeks and I love it. Not that it was negative before but I mean that a few pages back you were feeling down about this journey and had many fears, it is so inspiring to see you overcome everything and finally enjoy life. I hope to be there soon.

I've noticed this as well. Stephanie is really hitting her stride now! This is one of the best times in a transition, really. I do love reading about it.

Congratulations and thank you, Stephanie.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 10:32:19 AM
Thank you, everyone.

It's my pleasure, literally.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 10:35:13 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 14, 2018, 06:18:34 AM
What a great day, Stephanie!  I am glad you are enjoying real life so much, because it doesn't get old.  I am at ten months full-time, and the joy of being myself hasn't grown old yet.  There's a lot more of the same ahead of you.

Just think, cis women take this for granted!  I can't imagine taking it for granted, ever.

Wow, I really get to live this euphoria for the rest of my life? That's a profound realization, and just magnifies the joy. Thank you, Kathy!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 10:41:51 AM
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on February 14, 2018, 07:17:26 AM
This thread has become so extremely positive in the past few weeks and I love it. Not that it was negative before but I mean that a few pages back you were feeling down about this journey and had many fears, it is so inspiring to see you overcome everything and finally enjoy life. I hope to be there soon.

Well, I suspect there will other down times. I'm keeping a close eye in that 28-day cycle theory of mine, which falls at the end of the month. Maybe I can plan around it if it does come to pass.

I hope what I'm experiencing isn't "irrational exuberance." Everything is going nearly flawlessly, and the things that aren't haven't been as bad as I'd feared. I do wonder how I'll deal with getting clocked or ridiculed in public. It's bound to happen some time. We'll see.

But in the meantime, I'm enjoying the ride.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 14, 2018, 11:07:16 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 10:35:13 AM
Wow, I really get to live this euphoria for the rest of my life? That's a profound realization, and just magnifies the joy. Thank you, Kathy!


- Stephanie
Well, I can't guarantee that there won't be bumps.  But the joy is always accessible, because it is in you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 14, 2018, 12:15:46 PM
  Ho Hum. Another day in the life of another exuberant teenager. All bubbly today  ;D and the inevitable world ending crisis tomorrow. Sigh  :'( . I just don't know what to think of this young lady.  >:-) >:-) >:-) ;D ;D

  Seriously S(((T)e)ph((a)ni)e), It is a joy to read your posts and see more and more of the highs stringing together for you and less and less of the lows as you adapt into your new life. It is a wonderful inspirations for those that follow in your footsteps. It is also of value to them as they get to see that this is not an easy thing that we do. There are setbacks and hard times and yet by keeping on the right path there are victories and rewards to be had if we but keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every step is progress toward that goal we seek to reach in becoming the person we had only wished we could be. Live the dream Stephanie.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 14, 2018, 12:42:07 PM
Wow, Steph, Lots of ups in there following a hair raising experience. Good for you.

I followed up with a PM, if you don't read it I swear I'm going to pester you via email!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 14, 2018, 02:29:00 PM
YES!!  Don't stall.  You go girl.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 02:00:46 AM
> Don't let the fear slow you down.

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: mm on February 14, 2018, 04:31:05 PM
 Stephanie,  You have had a great transition so far and it should continue as you have a positive altitude toward everything. Don't get concerned about having a 28 day cycle; I still have a real 28 day cycle and even for me a positive altitude sure helps me get through it every month.  Continued good luck to you on everything.  Wish I could come to Florida and have a plane ride with you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 09:02:26 PM
Got my latest lab tests back today. Estradiol is at 173 pg/mL. I think that's good. At the last followup the endo said she likes to see it under 200. Does that sound right?

For some reason this clinic doesn't test for testosterone, so I still have no idea where that is. Based on the effects so far, though, it must be low to non-existent.

The cool thing? My clinic called Quest and updated the paperwork. There's a note at the top of the report saying, "An update or correction has been made to sex."

And for the first time, the estradiol number is shown in green, within range for my sex of F.  :)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 09:14:49 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 02:00:46 AM
Then it was on to trying to figure out why I hadn't heard from Dr. Ting's office at Mt. Sinai hospital in New York.
...
I called, hoping to talk to the person who'd last sent me an email. Again I practiced my voice, and ended up leaving a message with the service with a promise that it would be passed along. So once again I wait.

OK everyone, all together now:

SQUEEEEEE!

I can't hear you!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Guess who called today?

I have a consultation on March 9th in New York City with the team at Mount Sinai hospital!!

We have a phone appointment for next Tuesday to talk about the details.

Rachel, Moni, Michelle, Kendra, and all the others who've gone before... Thank you. I'm on my way to joining your ranks.

OMG. This is really happening...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 14, 2018, 09:43:09 PM
SQUEEEEEE!

I know this isn't the case with you but - nobody should ever feel pressured to have a particular procedure or goal.  For those of us who want to it is so rewarding, but those who have not are just as transitioned in my book. 

Alright now I can say
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

So happy for ya!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 14, 2018, 09:43:40 PM
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 11:03:45 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 14, 2018, 12:15:46 PM
  Ho Hum. Another day in the life of another exuberant teenager. All bubbly today  ;D and the inevitable world ending crisis tomorrow. Sigh  :'( . I just don't know what to think of this young lady.  >:-) >:-) >:-) ;D ;D

You have a point, but after 50 years of disappointments I may never be able to completely shed the "plan for the worst, hope for the best" attitude. Some call it pessimism; I call it realism.

QuoteSeriously S(((T)e)ph((a)ni)e), It is a joy to read your posts and see more and more of the highs stringing together for you and less and less of the lows as you adapt into your new life. It is a wonderful inspirations for those that follow in your footsteps. It is also of value to them as they get to see that this is not an easy thing that we do. There are setbacks and hard times and yet by keeping on the right path there are victories and rewards to be had if we but keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every step is progress toward that goal we seek to reach in becoming the person we had only wished we could be.

There've been plenty of times when I thought I was getting too whiny when I posted about my meltdowns. Quite often I considered just deleting them so I didn't bother anybody. But I'm glad you think that even the downs can help others. Again, there's that touch of realism. I have come to believe that, as you said, people need to know it's not all a walk in the park. As long as we don't lose sight of our goals, whatever they may be, and with the help of our friends, we do make it through the rough spots. Each one teaches us a little more, and makes us a little stronger.

QuoteLive the dream Stephanie.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I think maybe I am. How about that?

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LJH24 on February 14, 2018, 11:04:13 PM
YESSSSS!!!! Great news!! I'm so excited for you.  ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 14, 2018, 11:11:00 PM
That is a good avitar picture Stephanie.  Plus, that isn't saying that previous ones have been bad at all!   :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 15, 2018, 06:24:37 AM
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

That is fantastic, Stephanie!  And I love your new avatar, too!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 15, 2018, 11:34:49 PM
Hi kiddies. Interesting mixed day today...

Bad stuff first. Remember when I went to the passport office back on December 29th? Well, apparently the lady doing the paperwork didn't get it right. She said it was fine to send a copy of my gender change letter to the passport office. They beg to differ, and sent me a letter dated January 24 and received around the 30th telling me I had to send the signed original. I followed up the next day by sending them my only signed copy. All set, I figured.

Well, today I got an identical letter dated February 9th. What the...? I gave up and called the passport information office. After explaining the gender marker letter to the second person, they said they'd send a message to the Passport office in New Orleans, which is handling it all. Turns out the "passport information office" is a contractor and can't handle anything beyond, "Hey, what's up with my passport?" So now I wait for a callback. They could call any time, and the number will be from the New Orleans area, or maybe have the caller ID blocked altogether. It was recommended that I answer all calls - don't let any go to voicemail - because if I miss it I have to start all over. Gee, how convenient. Thank you US government.

Grrrrr. And Sigh...

OK, on to better news. Actually, it's really really cool news.

I had a prescription refill ready to pick up at the local Wally World pharmacy. It was a strange situation, because I was able to change my name on my Walmart account, but their medical database still contained my old name. So I got an email to Stephanie telling me that the prescription for Stephen was ready to pick up. (Not Spiro or Estradiol, by the way.)

First thought: send Sue after it. They've always given it to her with no question. She'd just pick it up while grocery shopping.

Second thought: go in myself and tell them I was picking it up for my husband/brother/whatever.

Third thought: Suck it up, Stephanie. March in there, tell them what's up, and get them to change their records to fix it once and for all. And that's what I did.

I thought I was looking pretty good IMHO, and went to the counter where they have their records computer. I told the lady there that I needed to update my medical records.

"OK, last name?"

"Bensinger"

"First name?"

"Well... you have it in there as Stephen."

A double take, and I handed over my new drivers license. I think I saw a very slight smile. She got my birthday and found the record and started muttering to herself as she changed things. She took my license over to another lady, who must have been the boss. She looked over the card and said, "Stephanie Rhapsody! That's really nice!" As they walked back to the computer, I heard her say, "They've got her in there as male?!" They muttered some more incantations to the glowing window and moved their fingers in mysterious ways, and she handed my license back. She asked, "Has your insurance changed, too?" As a matter of fact, yes. I handed over our insurance card, which has Sue's name on it as primary account holder. She looked confused again, and asked, "Spouse?" Yes...

At this point we were all smiling happy smiles. With the information updated, the manager said they'd have to print new labels for the prescription and I could pick it up in 10-15 minutes. I figured it would be a good time for lunch, so I told her we'd be back. Big smiles and off we went.

After lunch we went back and I did some shopping in the cosmetics aisles, then got in line for the pickup counter. When we got to the front of the line the manager was at the register, and with a huge smile she said, "Stephanie Rhapsody!! Welcome back!!" She went in search of my prescription, which wasn't on the rack yet. When she got back she did the, "I'm baaaaack!" routine, and we all giggled. We did some bantering back and forth as she rang up my purchases and complained about all the pamphlets and stuff that was cluttering up her counter. As I grabbed the bags to leave she wished me a great day. And thanks to some pretty cool people, it was.

My friend D was with me for all of this, and she complained that things weren't like this when she transitioned. I told her why I think I'm having an easier time, and I'll pass it along, hoping it will help someone else.

Whenever I find myself in a situation where I'm forced to out myself like this, I remember first, I'm a customer, and they want my business. They know (or they should anyway) that they'll be in trouble if someone complains to their boss that they were disrespected.

Second, I tell myself - and it seems to be true - that most people are good, and either don't care, or in some cases, even think it's pretty cool. I find this in women especially.

Third, and most important, go in with a good attitude. People tend to reflect what they see. If you act anxious or scared, they feel powerful, and if they had any tendencies to be mean, those are magnified. And if you go in with a superior, combative, or pugnacious attitude, guess what you'll get in return? What I've been doing is turning on a high-wattage smile and letting my joy shine through. It all comes back even brighter. And things like today's adventure happen.

Those who've been reading along in this thread know that none of that was easy for me until very recently. But I always did my best to fake it even when I was scared to death. Then I had the opportunity to watch and learn from the best, like Cassie, and Kendra, and Tia. And when following that plan it has always worked out well. If you're just getting started, give it a try. You may be surprised at how cool people can be.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 15, 2018, 11:58:24 PM
Sorry to hear about the passport glitch, hopefully that will be unblocked. 

It's great to see you finding the value of smiling when doing everyday business.  I found landing mid way between both extremes (not timid, not pushy) really makes a huge difference in how people accept and want to work with us.  Things I wish I knew in the initial stages - in a way, more critical than many other important changes I have made. 

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 15, 2018, 11:34:49 PM
> Third, and most important, go in with a good attitude. People tend to reflect what they see.

And it is so nice having all the paperwork and ID and labels and stuff match.  Less distracting, and feels better than I had anticipated. 

Steph you're doing awesome!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 16, 2018, 07:40:00 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 15, 2018, 11:34:49 PM
Third, and most important, go in with a good attitude. People tend to reflect what they see. If you act anxious or scared, they feel powerful, and if they had any tendencies to be mean, those are magnified. And if you go in with a superior, combative, or pugnacious attitude, guess what you'll get in return? What I've been doing is turning on a high-wattage smile and letting my joy shine through. It all comes back even brighter. And things like today's adventure happen.

This is so true, Steph!  Words to live by.  Sorry you are having troubles at the passport office.  I hope you will have them sorted out soon.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 16, 2018, 08:06:55 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 14, 2018, 11:03:45 PM
You have a point, but after 50 years of disappointments I may never be able to completely shed the "plan for the worst, hope for the best" attitude. Some call it pessimism; I call it realism.

That's been a struggle for me too, but I'm doing my best to lead by example.

Don't worry, Pretty Sister, I'm going to keep working on you!  :-*
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on February 16, 2018, 08:10:42 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 15, 2018, 11:34:49 PM
Those who've been reading along in this thread know that none of that was easy for me until very recently. But I always did my best to fake it even when I was scared to death. Then I had the opportunity to watch and learn from the best, like Cassie, and Kendra, and Tia. And when following that plan it has always worked out well. If you're just getting started, give it a try. You may be surprised at how cool people can be.

Stephanie

I swear this was written for me:)  Good advice sis!

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Saha on February 16, 2018, 10:46:44 AM
Stephanie, I am so happy for you!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 09:07:27 AM
Saturday was a pretty cool day (mostly). Our sister Faith and I have been kicking around the idea of meeting up since we both realized that we were within a three hour drive of each other. Since on Saturday there was going to be a social meeting of a support group that's almost exactly halfway between us, it seemed like a good time to make it all happen. We made plans to get together around noon in a well-known beach Mecca for lunch, some touristing, and an early dinner, followed by attending the support group meeting.

I made two mistakes while planning: One, I failed to take into account that this is a beach-side tourist town, and all the snowbirds are in Florida now. Parking was impossible. Compounding the problem was the fact that we had to drive Leviathan*, my F-250 diesel pickup, instead of RollerSkate, my Mini Cooper (it's a long story). After many text messages back and forth with Faith, we decided to just have a big lunch right away so we could use the restaurant parking lot.

The second mistake was listening to the weather forecast, which said it would be in the high 60's (F, of course). I wore black skinny jeans and took a cardigan. When we got there with the windows up and A/C on, and I saw all the shorts and swimsuits out, I knew I was in trouble. But hey, I looked fabulous. The price we pay to be glamorous...

We finally got situated, and Sue and I found Faith and Lori in front of the restaurant. We had tasty food and, being within close proximity of strangers, general conversation. After lunch the waiter encouraged us to go up to the third storey roof-top bar to enjoy the view out over the bay. After we all used the ladies room, we walked up all the stairs, found a private table, and started sharing personal stories. Lori and Faith are both very intelligent people and obviously love each other very much. There are challenges to overcome, as we all have, but I'm confident that their commitment to each other will see them through. What impressed me the most was the confidence level that Faith exudes. She's so much stronger than I was when I was at that stage of transitioning. I think her pace is going to be much faster than mine was, and I was no slouch. She's also a very private person, almost taciturn, but with deep insights when she shares them. Lori is sunny and vivacious, and the two of them complement each other well. It was a fun, and at times deep, conversation. Very enjoyable.

After a while we decided to head down to the beach. We looked around some of the vendor's stalls, bobbed around to the live music, got some liquid refreshments at the grill, and found a shady table where we could talk some more. At this point we were just enjoying each other's company and whiling away the afternoon until the meeting at 6pm. I was probably dressed the most inappropriately for the beach, but we decided to take a walk on the sand anyway. I pulled off my shoes, and we four ladies enjoyed a walk along the water through the middle of the sunbathers and revelers. Black skinny jeans are not recommended for this activity, but nobody seemed to care.

After a while we ended up back on the roof of the restaurant. We temporarily lost track of Faith and Lori, and got a text that they were already upstairs. This time we decided to take the elevator. And here I had an interesting "affirming moment." All day I had been just being me, and hadn't thought about my presentation. I was unconsciously embracing my "new normal." Without fail I had been addressed properly, to the point that I scarcely even noticed. I did insist on using my credit card with that wonderful name on it, though. But I digress. As the door on the elevator started closing a guy slipped in at the last second. As we ascended slowly he struck up a conversation with us. "Where are you ladies from?" We found out he used to live in an adjacent town to our home, and since the elevator is so old and slow, had quite an extensive conversation while it creaked upward 30 feet. Here I was, having a completely unselfconscious conversation with a total stranger in a tiny elevator, with absolutely no weirdness at all. He was talking with two ladies, and knew nothing different. All the time we were talking, there was this noise growing louder and louder. It sounded something like "squeeeeEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" It turned out it wasn't the elevator. It was coming from inside my head. When the doors opened, he wished us ladies a nice day. It had just gotten better.

We found our compatriots at a table with only two stools. I went to the bar to steal a couple more and some of the other patrons joked with me that I was stealing their chairs. We had some fun with that for a few minutes, and again, they were just joking with a crazy old lady (thanks for the idea, Tia. It applies to Sue and I, for sure). A little later a group of people came up on the roof and asked if one of us would take their picture. Lori volunteered, and they wandered all over the roof looking for a good spot for the snap. When they were finally done, I chased them down with my phone and insisted they repay the favor. And here some magic happened. Faith insisted that she doesn't smile for cameras, but well, the picture speaks for itself.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180219/90bf73f721392f0641eb84e88ade33e5.jpg)

The conversation moved from transitioning to hobbies and comparing pictures of pets - just a bunch of ladies having a nice afternoon. Finally we headed back down and drove the 25 minutes to the location of the support group meeting.

Other gatherings I'd been to had been run by some dynamic folks who kept things moving and fun. The last two I'd attended had been the Halloween and Christmas parties, with lots of people I knew and fun activities. I looked forward to introducing Faith and Lori to some of the neat people I'd gotten to know. But this meeting... wasn't quite like that. It was run by a very nice lady, but she wasn't what you'd call high energy. Very few of the fun-loving people I know were there. And the topic of the evening was, "It's all about you." Nobody had to volunteer anything they didn't want to, but the activities were built around getting to know each other, which involved talking about ourselves. And I had brought a very private person there. Sue and I tried to keep things light with occasional silliness, but there weren't many people there, and there were long periods of total silence while we stared at the tabletop. It was a terribly painful couple of hours. When we finally were able to make a graceful exit, I apologized profusely to Faith and Lori. It wasn't what I was at all used to. It's not likely they'll be back, and I may not, either. Besides, I'm finding as I integrate my new self into general society, I'm getting less and less value from attending these kinds of meetings. Almost all of any therapy I need is gotten here now, among people whom I love and trust.

Overall, it was still a great day. We all plan to get together again some time soon. We May have to March toward each other when a certain lorrie rolls into town, whenever that may be. It was so cool to get to know even more denizens of this wonderful group, and I hope to meet many more face-to-face.

Stephanie

* Sorry Cassie, I just couldn't bring myself to name it "Behemoth." That name will forever belong to your now-replaced old pickemup. So "Leviathan" it is.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 19, 2018, 09:45:31 AM
I was (im)patiently waiting for Steph to make a story-mode post (I swear she can turn a walk across the street into an odyssey). Myself, I'm not very good at filling in blank spaces. Same goes in person based on what I experienced, Steph certainly drove most of the conversation (that's not a bad thing Steph!). She's certainly not short on topics and words.

Lori and I both had a wonderful time, sure the 'meeting' afterwards left a bit to be desired. I would have preferred a snack and coffee with a bit more conversation. We had to decline doing so after the meeting, Lori and I were both tired and had that drive home to look forward to. It had nothing to do with the company, that's for sure.

All the beforehand stuff was great. A very relaxing and comfortable afternoon with friends. I look forward to doing it again.

Steph, I don't know where you get the 'very self-confident' stuff from. Are you sure you meant me? I'm nervous and scared and spend most of my time wondering who's looking and what they are thinking. I do tend to think, "If they're going to look, give them something to look at." and I "stand/walk proud wherever I go" (Lori's description).

I should fluff this up some more but like I said, Steph is the story-teller.


OH, Steph. One thing I did not mention. After we walked back to our car to get our change of clothes (changing in the car totally impractical), we ended up back at the public restrooms on the beach. Lori headed for the Women's side, I glanced in the Men's. Well, no changing in there.

I looked to the women's side and that was where the changing rooms were. Two rooms, both locked, Lori in one of them. As I stood there waiting a beautiful young beach-goer asked me if I was waiting in line for the ladies room. I simply said no and she moved around me. No facial or verbal expression given to indicate that she thought I didn't belong there. Rather amazing since there was no question in my looks about my physical gender. I wish there were more tolerant people out there.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 10:20:59 AM
Quote from: Faith on February 19, 2018, 09:45:31 AMSteph, I don't know where you get the 'very self-confident' stuff from. Are you sure you meant me? I'm nervous and scared and spend most of my time wondering who's looking and what they are thinking. I do tend to think, "If they're going to look, give them something to look at." and I "stand/walk proud wherever I go" (Lori's description).

Attitude will get you everywhere. Whatever you want to call it, it's indiscernible from the outside from confidence. Personally, I adopted the "fake it 'til you make it" attitude.

QuoteAs I stood there waiting a beautiful young beach-goer asked me if I was waiting in line for the ladies room. I simply said no and she moved around me. No facial or verbal expression given to indicate that she thought I didn't belong there. Rather amazing since there was no question in my looks about my physical gender. I wish there were more tolerant people out there.

There seem to be four different categories of people out there. There are some who are completely accepting (even encouraging), some who just don't care either way, some who are completely oblivious, and some who have serious problems of their own and need to cause trouble.

Among strangers, I've run into a whole lot of the first type, can't really tell the difference between the second and third (and probably have walked by a bunch of them), and haven't run into a single one of the last yet.

Whatever the reason behind the beach-babe's reaction, the fact that she asked would make that what I'd call that an affirming moment.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 11:00:23 AM
I had one of those moments that make you go, "hmmmm" the other day.

On our way home from that cool concert we went to two weekends ago, Sue damaged her car when she ran over a road cone on the highway. In the old days it would have been one of those "oh crap" situations. A minor inconvenience as we dealt with the insurance company, then I'd hop in the car and take it to the local shop and have a technical conversation with the mechanic about what needed done, and let them know that I knew enough about the hardware that I wasn't going to get bamboozled.

This time I had a near panic attack. How in the world am I going to deal with "guys" at a shop as me, now? I admit - and I am deeply, deeply ashamed of it - that I had the fleeting thought about how much easier it would be if I devolved back to Steve for an hour to get it done. The thought made me almost literally sick, and I dismissed it with prejudice. I'd just have to find a way to deal with the situation as me. There will never be any going back.

I mentioned that moment to my most supportive neighbor, and she gave me a very stern look and told me, "Don't you ever consider doing that! We've all worked hard to support you and get used to the idea, and you'd be letting us all down!"

I have always known that I was asking a lot from everyone around me, and it was one of the ideas behind having my party to celebrate that on New Years. But I hadn't thought of it in terms of taking on an obligation to them.

In one respect, I deeply appreciate what they've all done for me. On the other, I'm a bit ashamed I didn't realize that it could be considered a burden for them. I realize they're doing it willingly, but I've tended to live my life as quietly and unobtrusively as I can, and this has upset that apple cart. In any case - not that there was any chance of backsliding at this point - it gives me yet another reason to continue forging forward. I'm no longer doing this just for myself, it's also for what is essentially my entire world.

This also relates to my anxiety about walking the neighborhood in progressively feminine presentation. I realized that trying to stay androgynous no longer has a purpose. It was a shock when I realized that all of my good neighbors are expecting me to present female now, and not doing so is only hurting myself. So yesterday I flew with them all to breakfast. I was ma'amed by the staff at the restaurant, and was treated as the woman pilot who is just part of the gang by my friends and neighbors. The only downside was when the tower controller at the destination airport misgendered me. Oh, well. They also misgender my ciswoman neighbor all the time. So I'm fine.

And when I got home I changed from my mom jeans into cute skirted shorts for the rest of the day. And I felt great.

As for the car repairs, as it turns out it was easier than expected. Sue contacted the insurance company and dropped the car off at the local shop with no real discussion, and it's being taken care of. So I fixed the problem by more or less avoiding it. Which is a bit cowardly, admittedly, but I'm ok with that for now.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 11:18:57 AM
Ok, yet another story. I haven't written for a few days, and the pressure has to be released.

Remember back in October when I came out on Facebook, and it looked like I'd had my first rejection when one of my neighbors deleted my friend request? Of course you don't. Anyway...

I was walking Maggie past B and K's house last night and they shouted that I should join them on their lanai. As we sat there, J and L drove up in their four-wheeler. Ah, this should be interesting, I told B. They haven't met me yet. And L is the one who rejected my friend request.

And B did the coolest thing. When J and L came onto the porch, he stood up and said, "Have you met Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger yet? Well, here she is!" I did jazz-hands, and we all chuckled and shook hands, and proceeded to have a really nice time hanging out together.

At one point, J, who was sitting next to me on the couch, turned to me and asked how I was doing. I told him that I was doing better than I had ever before in my life, and that thing were going very well. I acknowledged that some people may think it's weird, but my journey had fixed things that had been a problem my entire life. And he was glad.

It ended up being a nice evening. Who knows what was said after I left, but since it's outside my knowledge, it has no affect on me. I'll take things at face value and enjoy the thought that the one rejection I thought I'd had apparently never actually happened.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 19, 2018, 11:37:13 AM
Steph, one of the best things about supporters is that sense of obligation to them.  It's not so much you being a burden to them as it is the way true support works.  A true supporter will call in that obligation in order to keep you on track.

Someone who is merely accepting will see you make a mistake, and will say, "Oh, that's too bad."  A supporter will say just what your neighbour said in order to prevent you from making the mistake.

You are a lucky woman.  You are connected now; you have a support network.  May we all have such good support!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 19, 2018, 11:46:25 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 11:00:23 AM
The only downside was when the tower controller at the destination airport misgendered me. Oh, well. They also misgender my ciswoman neighbor all the time. So I'm fine.

I'm sure that happens because the number on the plane you call in to the tower ends in "Romeo". It needs to be changed to "Juliet". ;)

As for the road cone incident, I can see you having no trouble at all walking with confidence into a situation like that. Once you get rolling, there's no stopping you.

Last Tuesday night, a few minutes from my destination, I had to ask myself, "Okay, Cassie. Are you really ready for this?"
Mere moments later, I replied, "Yes I am!"

That's all it would have taken for you too, I'm sure.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 11:52:47 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on February 19, 2018, 11:46:25 AM
I'm sure that happens because the number on the plane you call in to the tower ends in "Romeo". It needs to be changed to "Juliet". ;)

I just realized that Juliet is the only feminine name in the phonetic alphabet. I'll keep that in mind.

QuoteLast Tuesday night, a few minutes from my destination, I had to ask myself, "Okay, Cassie. Are you really ready for this?"
Mere moments later, I replied, "Yes I am!"

That's all it would have taken for you too, I'm sure.

Today, I think you're right. And not just because I found out the guy I used to deal with had died and his wife took over the business. [emoji6]

But I am feeling confident today, which is good because I'm coming out to my primary care doctor's entire clinic in an hour and a half.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 19, 2018, 12:05:18 PM
Hi ((((S(t)ep)h)an)ie),

   Inadvertently overdressed huh? Probably an obvious plan to draw attention away from the other ladies so you can bask in the attention. Okay I suppose it could have been to help some with you to feel more comfortably. But I prefer to see you as enjoying every moment you can get.
  The day sounded like great fun as there is just something special in meeting an online friends in person, giving a hug and feeling that connect growing stronger. It is truly special. I could not forget any of my own special encounters if I tried. I think it is finally sinking in that I can have friends that care about me, though it still brings tears to my eyes as it's done right now just writing that thought.  As voiceful as I can be I still understand that quiet internalization that Faith has. There are many many thoughts in her head that do not get to see the light of day. I suspect that Lori understands this as well and does what she can to bring it out in the open where Faith's beautiful soul can be seen and shared. Where you Steph are more gregarious, Faith is quiet. Both souls are wonderful.
  I am glad the four of you had a great visit. You are correct Steph, when I do finally come visit a meeting with Faith, Lori, and Sassy Cassy will be required. No excuses or rain checks will be allowed.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 19, 2018, 12:13:42 PM
QuoteInadvertently overdressed huh? Probably an obvious plan to draw attention away from the other ladies so you can bask in the attention....

You know, now that you mention it, Steph did seem to garner most of the attention ...... >:(
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 19, 2018, 12:16:51 PM
Quote from: Faith on February 19, 2018, 12:13:42 PM
You know, now that you mention it, Steph did seem to garner most of the attention ...... >:(

   Of course she did. I knew that. I have "insight" my therapist and another woman I respect told me so. But we do need to remember she has a sensitive demure side too.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 19, 2018, 12:22:18 PM
Quote.. she have a sensitive demure side too ...

>>>>>insert inappropriate comment here <<<<<<

I have my mouth tightly shut as my mind goes into overdrive
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 19, 2018, 12:44:25 PM
Quote from: Faith on February 19, 2018, 12:22:18 PM
>>>>>insert inappropriate comment here <<<<<<

I have my mouth tightly shut as my mind goes into overdrive


  Just don't crash girl. I need to meet you and Lori first so slow it down before you get a ticket.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 01:36:57 PM
Quote from: Faith on February 19, 2018, 12:13:42 PM
You know, now that you mention it, Steph did seem to garner most of the attention ...... >:(

Uhh... Did I really? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hog the conversation. I didn't used to be that way. I'm just enjoying being me so much that it's hard to restrain myself. Irrational or not, it's definitely exuberance. Plus I felt a certain obligation to keep things going, and any time I started hearing crickets I dug for something to talk about. I still value quiet times with good friends, but uncomfortable silences make me... uncomfortable.

Sorry

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 19, 2018, 01:39:15 PM
 oh you stop that ((((S))teph)a)nie) Faith and I were teasing  ::) ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 01:40:16 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 19, 2018, 01:39:15 PM
oh you stop that ((((S))teph)a)nie) Faith and I were teasing  ::) ::) ::) ::)

[emoji56]🤣
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 19, 2018, 01:52:25 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 19, 2018, 01:39:15 PM
oh you stop that ((((S))teph)a)nie) Faith and I were teasing  ::) ::) ::) ::)

Speak for yourself!!

nah, seriously, now that we've met I feel I can indulge my more hidden side of unabashed teasing. Sometimes I almost feel bad ... almost ...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on February 19, 2018, 02:19:37 PM
Duh, like this is Steph 2.0, not Laurie 6.7 or Faith 6.2, so rave, rant and have a ball!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 11:17:14 PM
Well, that's it. I'm done.

And by that I mean no more anxiety. No more doubt about my presentation. No more fear of being clocked. No more worries.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 11:52:47 AMBut I am feeling confident today, which is good because I'm coming out to my primary care doctor's entire clinic in an hour and a half.

The appointment was for a physical exam in preparation for my consultation with Dr. Ting's GCS team at Mount Sinai in New York. My doctor knew about the reason, and I'd told him I was full time and had changed my name, and asked him to help smooth the way with the clinic to help change my records when I showed up for my appointment.

I was dressed casual, with a fitted button down short sleeve blouse, cuffed jeans, and some cute flats. I checked in at the front desk, thinking I was going to have to change my records. I gave my last name, and she pulled out a sheet of paper that already had "Stephanie Bensinger (Steve) on it. There was nothing to change, and she took my credit card (with the proper name of course) for the copay, and I sat down to wait and see who they would call when my turn came. And my favorite nurse called for Stephanie. Mini-squeee.

"Come with me, my dear. This says you want to be called "Steve"." I, believing she knew the whole story by now, told her no, that was old information. She promised to change it right away.

Weight... blood pressure... oxygen levels... etc. etc.

While she was working through that another nurse poked her head in. She said, "Oh! I wanted to talk to you about something, but you're with a patient." She started to leave, then turned back and I smiled at her. She apparently decided it was safe to talk in front of the nice lady, came into the room and whispered to my nurse. Their conversation got louder until I heard that apparently one of the male nurses had sort of hit on our visitor. They chatted away about it until the other nurse left, and mine looked at me, rolled her eyes, and said, "The things we put up with as women!" What could I say? I agreed.

She then sat down to go through the computer.

Now I figured the records must be completely updated and everyone would know what's going on at this point, so I had no problem handing over my list of meds that includes Spironolactone, Estradiol, and Finasteride. She dutifully typed them in, then went on to the questions and answers that we're all used to:

"Any chronic pain?"

"Any shortness of breath?"

"etc.?"

"etc.?"

"etc.?"

"When was your last menstrual cycle?"

My answer, ".......................................!!!!!"

It was hard to answer with my jaw on the ground, but I finally got out something like, "Uh, It's not in my records?"

"What do you mean, my dear?"

".......!"

"I'm... transgender."

"Oh... Congratulations!!!"

"So I guess that doesn't apply."

"No, I guess not!"

At this point we're grinning at each other like a couple of fools. She moved on through the rest of the questions. Somewhere along the way she was mumbling to herself as she went through the records, looked up and said, "Fifty nine? You don't look old enough to be fifty nine!" Well, thanks. We shared that there were mornings when we felt 70.

Later I shook my head and said something like, "I still don't believe it!" She started to apologize, and I stopped her. "No no, you just made my entire day!"

At one point I asked her how I was listed in my records - male or female - because I was going to need specialized care going forward, and she couldn't find the marker. So she had been going strictly on my presentation for how she was treating me.

She finally turned me over to the doctor, who's known my story for about 6 months now. We had a good conversation about how things were going and my plans. He asked a lot of good questions, and I checked again for the gender marker in my records. It was female, but they actually have another marker for transgender, specifically so any specialized care is taken into account. He said after I had the GCS, they would remove the transgender marker. We talked about the need going forward for both prostate checks and mammograms. I educated him about GCS methods and providers, we made arrangements for a few more lab tests and an EKG, he did a general physical exam, and sent me to my favorite front desk person - the one who used to banter with me and always called me Mister Steve. There was none of that today, and I even wonder if she knew who she was talking to. She arranged for the EKG right then, and shouted out to someone in the back, "send her to room 10?" In room 10, my friend the nurse rolled in the machine that goes, "BING!" and told me to take off my shirt. First time in front of a stranger in just my bra. It's a good thing I shaved! No issues other than her cold hands! The machine went "BING!" we got the slip of paper, and I was on my way.

I'd come out to my doctor on August 28th, 2017, still in guy mode. My original scared-to-death posts about it are here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=226256.msg2017442#msg2017442  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=226256.msg2017442#msg2017442)
and
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226256.msg2018312.html#msg2018312  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226256.msg2018312.html#msg2018312)

The followup post about how it all actually went is here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226256.msg2019790.html#msg2019790  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226256.msg2019790.html#msg2019790)

Subsequent visits had been in what was at best androgynous mode, with increasing dysphoria each time they used that old name. How things have changed since then.

Coming out to the entire clinic was what I'd considered to be the last big wall to scale, and the experience may have been the best, most validating, most affirming day I've had since I started this long strange trip. The fact that a medical professional, who had all of my records in front of her to show my story in black and white, still read me as female and treated me that way even after I clued her in, made me question why I have any lingering doubts about my presentation. Despite my posts telling how my confidence has been out of sight lately, there was still that little tingle in my brain, telling me that maybe people were just being nice, and I was being clocked anyway.

But I'm done. Time to redirect the energy that had been going to stoke the fear to something more useful, and just live.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 20, 2018, 12:56:47 AM
Wonderful Day S(t)e(p)han(i)e, and an even better resolution at the end. Go live life indeed!

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 20, 2018, 06:26:52 AM
Woo-hoo!  Awesome experience, Stephanie! 

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 11:17:14 PM
And by that I mean no more anxiety. No more doubt about my presentation. No more fear of being clocked. No more worries.

We'll hold you to that, of course, but I'm thinking that you're right.  There isn't anything left to worry about.  You are you, you are beautiful, and people are cool with that.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on February 20, 2018, 10:02:41 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 19, 2018, 11:17:14 PM
Well, that's it. I'm done.

And by that I mean no more anxiety. No more doubt about my presentation. No more fear of being clocked. No more worries.

But I'm done. Time to redirect the energy that had been going to stoke the fear to something more useful, and just live.

Stephanie

I am in awe.  You conquered those mountains faster than anybody I've read about abd done it with a smile.  It's going to take me a year longer than you at least!  I'm so very impressed with you Steph!

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 20, 2018, 10:26:46 AM
Quote from: Bari Jo on February 20, 2018, 10:02:41 AM
I am in awe.  You conquered those mountains faster than anybody I've read about abd done it with a smile.  It's going to take me a year longer than you at least!  I'm so very impressed with you Steph!

Bari Jo

Thanks, sister. I'm not sure how I'm getting away with it, but the pace just kept accelerating.

I keep thinking of school, where they taught us dx/dt = velocity and dv/dt = acceleration. Taking it a step further, there's rate of change of acceleration, da/dt. But that's called "jerk," and nobody wants to be a jerk.

If that ain't a geek joke then nothing is.

But seriously, at 59 I don't have time to waste. I want to do some real living while I still have my health. There are still plenty of things I'd like to address, like hair, breasts, and my schnozz, but I can't wait to make everything perfect if it's working well enough now. I'll just keep chugging along and let HRT do what it can before considering more radical stuff.

And don't sell yourself short. I'm watching you forge ahead and it's so cool to see your progress. One step at a time, and keep on walking.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on February 20, 2018, 11:41:19 AM
Well Steph, it is about time! I believe that I told you that truth when we met in Scottsdale, or is life at 59 too old to remember? Now I want to hear about your next step, "just living". How do you plan to get past this somewhat misnomered phase called transitioning (actually another step in that continuity called life) and begin to actively pursue life as our lovely Stephanie Bensinger?

Your loving sister,
Tia Anne

By the way, congratulations!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 20, 2018, 12:06:28 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on February 20, 2018, 11:41:19 AM
Well Steph, it is about time! I believe that I told you that truth when we met in Scottsdale, or is life at 59 too old to remember? Now I want to hear about your next step, "just living". How do you plan to get past this somewhat misnomered phase called transitioning (actually another step in that continuity called life) and begin to actively pursue life as our lovely Stephanie Bensinger?

Your loving sister,
Tia Anne

By the way, congratulations!

[emoji4]

Well, tonight I'll be joining a trivia team with Sue's friends followed by dinner.

Tomorrow I'm getting lab tests and scheduling a mammogram, then working In the shop.

Thursday I'm flying an hour north to meet up with my friend who donated much of my wardrobe to me so we girls can do lunch (we'll let her husband tag along as long as he stays quiet).

Friday I'll be part of a three plane formation team doing a "missing man" flyby at my neighbor's funeral. I'll be flying the plane that peels off, since it'll be the only one missing a man. An unmanned aircraft, if you will.

Saturday the neighborhood will likely be flying to breakfast somewhere.

Some time in there, Cassie's going to come over and help me work on the planes.

And back to the "transitioning" category, I'm waiting for a callback today from Mt Sinai regarding my GCS consultation appointment on March 9th.

So yeah, I'm living the life! Glad to hear you are, too!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on February 20, 2018, 12:16:02 PM
Hi Steph,

Just an fyi; My OB/GYN (retiring next month, arghhhhhh!!!), set up both a mammogram and a bone density test for me a couple of months ago. I don't know at what age they toss in the bone density but it was good that I had the test done as it indicated a marginal deficiency that I am addressing. By the way, the mammogram was no where near as bad as I had been led to believe, I sort of enjoyed it as a rite of passage.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: mm on February 20, 2018, 01:30:24 PM
Anne Blake, too bad your OB/GYN is retiring; you have someone to take her place.  Sometimes it is hard to get going with a new OB/GYN.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on February 20, 2018, 09:59:51 PM
Somehow I never found your thread before Stephanie! Congrats on the upcoming consult, and on being 100% you now!
It's an amazing feeling, and I love it.
Sounds like you and Faith & co. had a great time!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 20, 2018, 11:14:04 PM
Quote from: Sarah_P on February 20, 2018, 09:59:51 PM
Somehow I never found your thread before Stephanie! Congrats on the upcoming consult, and on being 100% you now!
It's an amazing feeling, and I love it.
Sounds like you and Faith & co. had a great time!

Hi Sarah, welcome to the insanity that is my thread. I'm an incredibly lucky woman.  Here you'll find a core group of the most amazing people you'll ever meet, who I have the privilege of calling friends. They drop by to check up on me and offer their dose of abuse, without which my day wouldn't be complete. If you hang out here you'll find yourself in good company.

I'm also lucky in the way things are turning out with my transition. Considering that I started HRT only 8 months ago - and the first three don't really count since they were such low dose - it's scarcely credible where I am today. I would never have believed it if you had told me last June the way that I'm living now.

We just got home from taking part in a weekly trivia contest in one of the gigantic retirement communities we have here in Florida. This one is built with a central square where there's live music and dancing every night. After the contest Sue and I wandered around the square, checking out the vendor tents and shops in the 78 degree weather. It's the first time I've worn shorts in a couple of months, and both the top and shorts I'm wearing are hand-me-downs from a wonderfully supportive friend. I was reveling in the feeling of being me with the warm breeze on my skin and in my hair, among all those people also out enjoying the evening who never gave me a second glance.

It was especially meaningful because it's the same place where I'd had a complete meltdown inside a restaurant last August because I knew I'd never be able to be one of the women out there in their shorts, skirts, and sundresses enjoying the same kind of evening. A lot of the warmth I felt tonight had nothing to do with the weather.

Even just a few weeks ago I would have felt a certain sheepish ecstasy over "getting away with it." Tonight, though, was simply deep contentment. I didn't want to go home. When we did head back I left the windows down on the RollerSkate and let the wind blow my hair around. It was just such a quintessentially feminine thing to keep brushing my hair out of my eyes, that I didn't care that it was making a mess.

When we got home my bestest friend Cassie rang me up for a video chat, and we shared girl talk until we both faded out. What a great day. A lot of them are like that lately.

I've been watching you travel your bumpy road, and it's cool to see how far you've come. I wish I could have done this when I was your age, but c'est la vie. I'm making the best of the rest of my life now. I wish you all the best in your journey, and please feel free to hang out here as much as you like. Sometimes we have cookies (and there's nothing wrong with them!)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 12:21:48 AM
Hi Girlfriend,

Just wondering how the food is in the Coyote Rojo Mexican Restaurant I hear it has delicious food.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 01:01:41 AM
Quote from: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 12:21:48 AM
Hi Girlfriend,

Just wondering how the food is in the Coyote Rojo Mexican Restaurant I hear it has delicious food.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I'm certainly not a Mexican food aficionado, but I really like their fajitas, and their...

Wait, what?

OK, you're starting to scare me.

- Shaking Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 03:12:33 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 01:01:41 AM
I'm certainly not a Mexican food aficionado, but I really like their fajitas, and their...

Wait, what?

OK, you're starting to scare me.

- Shaking Stephanie
A little close to home?

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 05:30:02 AM
Quote from: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 03:12:33 AM
A little close to home?

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

mommy... [emoji47]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on February 21, 2018, 06:47:23 AM
Steph, so glad you're greasing the skids towards your GCS, a 3/9 consult sounds like you might be scheduled for surgery this year!!?

Such good news from FLA, now just keep sending us your weather (temps are heading to an unseasonably warm 70 today after 2 months of unusually cold weather it's surely welcome! :-).
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 06:54:16 AM
Quote from: SadieBlake on February 21, 2018, 06:47:23 AM
Steph, so glad you're greasing the skids towards your GCS, a 3/9 consult sounds like you might be scheduled for surgery this year!!?

Hi Sadie!

I found out yesterday that it might be pushed back a week, to March 16th. That's ok. I need more time to arrange transportation and lodging anyway. The goal is definitely to get it done this year if at all possible!

QuoteSuch good news from FLA, now just keep sending us your weather (temps are heading to an unseasonably warm 70 today after 2 months of unusually cold weather it's surely welcome! :-).

Tell you what, anything over 75F  is yours! You'll have to transport it, though.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on February 21, 2018, 06:58:26 AM
Indeed, 70 is way too hot for me already, being acclimated to riding in 20-30, these early warm days come as a shock!

However I plan to take full advantage :-)  by the time last year I was able to start riding any miles we were into October and my labia were still hypersensitive. I plan to get in some miles today, will report in later :-)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 07:09:29 AM
I'm back at my primary doctor's office this morning for some lab tests. One of the things I planned to talk to them about is the way my name is listed in their records: Stephanie (Steve). Before I got to that the nurse came out to call a group into the lab waiting room. I heard "Steve?" Oh crap, now what? "Steve??" At that point I decided, nope, that's not my name. She called one more time, then paused and said, "OK... Stephanie?"

"Oh, that's me!"

I got up grinning and a lady facing me smiled up and said, "You don't look like a Steve!"

"I know! We need to get that fixed!"

Heh heh...

Stephanie (not Steve!)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 07:12:10 AM
Quote from: SadieBlake on February 21, 2018, 06:58:26 AM!
However I plan to take full advantage :-)  by the time last year I was able to start riding any miles we were into October and my labia were still hypersensitive. I plan to get in some miles today, will report in later :-)

Enjoy your ride! I'm sure I won't be riding anything for a loooong time after my surgery.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 21, 2018, 08:12:52 AM
January 23, Scottsdale Arizona, five days post-op:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/iqbwaf63pzf6f37/2018-01-23%2012.56.45.jpg?raw=1)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/tavns5bkaczdd1s/2018-01-23%2012.56.49.jpg?raw=1)

No I didn't actually... just thought about it.  That portable cushion wasn't quite enough.  Need many more months.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 08:19:05 AM
Quote from: Kendra on February 21, 2018, 08:12:52 AM
January 23, Scottsdale Arizona, five days post-op:

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/iqbwaf63pzf6f37/2018-01-23%2012.56.45.jpg?raw=1)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/tavns5bkaczdd1s/2018-01-23%2012.56.49.jpg?raw=1)

No I didn't actually... just thought about it.  That portable cushion wasn't quite enough.  Need many more months.

I looked over and my brain screamed, "NOOOOOOO!!!"

[emoji33]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 21, 2018, 09:10:10 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 20, 2018, 11:14:04 PM
When we got home my bestest friend Cassie rang me up for a video chat, and we shared girl talk until we both faded out. What a great day. A lot of them are like that lately.

Steph got a front-row seat for a live cooking show - Cassie's Culinary Curiosities. Stir-fried vegetables with tiger shrimp in white wine over cous-cous.

She complained about the lack of narration but I could tell she was busily composing her post on here. :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 09:16:50 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on February 21, 2018, 09:10:10 AM
Steph got a front-row seat for a live cooking show - Cassie's Culinary Curiosities. Stir-fried vegetables with tiger shrimp in white wine over cous-cous.

And did she share that delightful delectable delicacy? Nooooooo! Something about her transporter being down.

Hrmph. [emoji34]



- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 09:48:30 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 07:09:29 AM
I'm back at my primary doctor's office this morning for some lab tests. One of the things I planned to talk to them about is the way my name is listed in their records: Stephanie (Steve). Before I got to that the nurse came out to call a group into the lab waiting room. I heard "Steve?" Oh crap, now what? "Steve??" At that point I decided, nope, that's not my name. She called one more time, then paused and said, "OK... Stephanie?"

"Oh, that's me!"

I got up grinning and a lady facing me smiled up and said, "You don't look like a Steve!"

"I know! We need to get that fixed!"

Heh heh...

...and the adventure continued. We were seated on folding chairs in the lab waiting room (you can sit here in the waiting room or you can wait here in the sitting room...) and the other lady in the room started bantering about these seats were so much more uncomfortable than the ones out front, and we chatted for a while. The nurse called me out into the hall and whispered, "do you want to be called Steve or Stephanie?" Stephanie for sure, we need to get rid of that "Steve" stuff.

When she called me in for the blood draw she asked, "You used to come here before, right? How long ago did you make this change? Your hair used to be short." Considering that my hair is about 14 inches from the nape of my neck, it would have had to have been a long time for it to grow that long. I assured her that my hair has been long ever since they've known me. It was just tied back. I then ended up being educator. She had all kinds of questions about transitioning, and I answered them all honestly, including, "Are you happy now?"

Big smile. "Oh, yes."

A few more questions... and suddenly something changed. I imagined an almost audible "click." And she was off confiding in me about her boyfriend, how he made her knees melt, how handsome he was... She dug out her phone and pulled up the picture of them together, "Look at that smile! His teeth are so perfect!" I've got to say, he did nothing for me, but I don't lean that direction. Trying to think of something complimentary, I said, "Wow, look at you two together! Gorgeous!" She smiled happily.

Somewhere in there I stopped being Stephanie (Steve) to her, and became just Stephanie, somebody to share girl talk with. How very cool...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 21, 2018, 10:12:12 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 09:16:50 AM
And did she share that delightful delectable delicacy? Nooooooo! Something about her transporter being down.

Hrmph. [emoji34]

I believe the root cause of that is one of those localized gravity storms, though I'm not sure if it was on your side or mine - they seem to be happening near both of us. The transporter goes into lockout mode whenever gravitic anomalies are detected, for safety. The last time I tried to override the safeties to send a food object was when I sent a fried bologna sandwich through to a friend. What arrived on her side tasted rather...purple-ish.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 10:15:01 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on February 21, 2018, 10:12:12 AM
I believe the root cause of that is one of those localized gravity storms, though I'm not sure if it was on your side or mine - they seem to be happening near both of us. The transporter goes into lockout mode whenever gravitic anomalies are detected, for safety. The last time I tried to override the safeties to send a food object was when I sent a fried bologna sandwich through to a friend. What arrived on her side tasted rather...purple-ish.

Mmmmmm... purple. It's an acquired taste.

Yes, the gravity storms are definitely raging around here. Everything is heavier than it used to be.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 10:48:43 AM
 Hi Ste((ph) an) (ie)

  The Coyote Rojo is sure located conveniently right off of the I75 on West C 48, right in the midst of the others businesses all around. The Citgo gas station next door and the Bushnell Inn behind it. You could opt for a burger at Wendy's across the street and even shop at Wallyworld. Fajitas sound good.
  I'm sure you are nearby too....

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 11:11:15 AM
Quote from: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 10:48:43 AM
The Coyote Rojo is sure located conveniently right off of the I75 on West C 48, right in the midst of the others businesses all around. The Citgo gas station next door and the Bushnell Inn behind it. You could opt for a burger at Wendy's across the street and even shop at Wallyworld. Fajitas sound good.
  I'm sure you are nearby too....

OK, you've demonstrated your Googlemaps-fu. Just West of WallyWorld is a small strip mall where Darrell's Doggone Good Food is. That's where my party was after my name change hearing. We just had breakfast there this morning, and if a certain lorry ever shows up here, the driver will have to accompany us there.

Don't buy fuel at the Citgo. Their advertised prices are for cash, very misleading.

Oh yes, I'm close. I think you can figure it out, knowing my hobby and business...

Stephanie (I can't hide, but I can run!)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 12:24:45 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 11:11:15 AM
OK, you've demonstrated your Googlemaps-fu. Just West of WallyWorld is a small strip mall where Darrell's Doggone Good Food is. That's where my party was after my name change hearing. We just had breakfast there this morning, and if a certain lorry ever shows up here, the driver will have to accompany us there.

Don't buy fuel at the Citgo. Their advertised prices are for cash, very misleading.

Oh yes, I'm close. I think you can figure it out, knowing my hobby and business...

Stephanie (I can't hide, but I can run!)

  No I don't usually buy Citgo but it is conveniently placed. Good food is always nice. and no you can't Hide you know I'll hunt you down and once in the neighborhood all I need to do is ask a neighbor... They all know you or I can look for a roller skate in the driveway. Rest assured I can find you.  To quote an old TV show "Sometime, somewhere when you least expect it..."

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 12:42:54 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 12:24:45 PM
No I don't usually buy Citgo but it is conveniently placed. Good food is always nice. and no you can't Hide you know I'll hunt you down and once in the neighborhood all I need to do is ask a neighbor... They all know you or I can look for a roller skate in the driveway. Rest assured I can find you.  To quote an old TV show "Sometime, somewhere when you least expect it..."

I've got my carry permit, and I'm not afraid to hug.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 21, 2018, 01:16:49 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 11:11:15 AM
> OK, you've demonstrated your Googlemaps-fu.

I am not as certain where I am these days.  Step out of a room in Arizona I don't remember going into - something about anesthesia - and discover people have walked down the hallway from Florida and Colorado. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 01:50:39 PM
Quote from: Kendra on February 21, 2018, 01:16:49 PM
I am not as certain where I am these days.  Step out of a room in Arizona I don't remember going into - something about anesthesia - and discover people have walked down the hallway from Florida and Colorado.
I've that can happen. You're at one place, fall asleep and the next thing you know you wake up somewhere missing not only time but parts. It"s happened to me twice.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 11:19:50 PM
Quote from: Kendra on February 21, 2018, 01:16:49 PM
I am not as certain where I am these days.  Step out of a room in Arizona I don't remember going into - something about anesthesia - and discover people have walked down the hallway from Florida and Colorado.

It was strange. Cassie and I stumbled and fell against a wall with the number 9 3/4 on it, and there we were in Kendra's hallway!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on February 21, 2018, 11:22:00 PM
Quote from: Laurie on February 21, 2018, 01:50:39 PM
I've that can happen. You're at one place, fall asleep and the next thing you know you wake up somewhere missing not only time but parts. It"s happened to me twice.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

For sure!  In the bathtub filled with ice and a note about the Kidney.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 21, 2018, 11:45:15 PM
Update on my GCS consultation appointment:

When the "front desk administrator" called last Wednesday with an appointment date of March 9th, I wasn't at home where I could look at calendars and so on. I also asked whether I'd be able to see Dr. Ting at the same appointment, as the first email I'd received had indicated. She said she'd have to check, but would be off work on Thursday and Friday, and they were closed on Monday. She told me to call on Tuesday, which I did. I left two messages, and of course she called back when I was out and in an area with no cell coverage.

So I called again today, leaving multiple messages with no call-backs. Finally on the fourth call she picked up. It turns out you have to meet with three different people: a social worker, a mental health professional, and someone on the medical team. Since I didn't grab the March 9th appointment last Wednesday, the next one to meet with all three is on March 16th. But... If I wanted to add Dr. Ting to the appointments, the earliest date would be in September.(!) She said if I would agree to see Dr. Ting on his own, they could get me an appointment with him much earlier than September. Apparently the problem is coordinating all those schedules.

The lady I was talking to couldn't tell me whether, after meeting with all four people in September, there was any chance of getting GCS finished before the end of the year. And she couldn't tell me when I could get an individual appointment with Dr. Ting. All she could do is set up the March 16th appointment with the other three people.

So my choice was either make two trips to New York to see the three professionals and Dr. Ting separately, or wait until September before I could even get the process started. Not a great choice, but if making two trips (plus another for the surgery) to New York means getting it done before the end of the year, I guess I'll have to eat the extra expense. I signed up for the March 16th appointment.

Now I need to decide how we're getting there, and where we're staying. I've gotten help from some sisters here who are local New Yorkers. I'm leaning toward AirBNB. Seems like you can get a pretty good deal compared to a hotel. If anybody listening has been to NYC and has any hints for me (I've never been there), please fill me in!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 22, 2018, 03:13:49 AM
AirBnB is a nice loophole, although location is important so you want to make sure it's near transportation (subway is cheap and avoids traffic).  I haven't used AirBnB in NY but will be next week in Seoul - $650 USD total for 9 days in a newer high-rise apartment in an excellent location.

I stayed a couple times in Hoboken New Jersey in a nice hotel for half the cost of Manhattan.  The hotel was walking distance to the Hoboken ferry dock, 10 minute ride to 14th Street in downtown NYC.  Ferry is about $10 each way (more expensive than train) but a lot more interesting.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 22, 2018, 06:21:13 PM
There's an online service where pilots can see what activities are available in their area. Safety seminars, airshows, fly-ins, etc. If you've got an airplane and are looking for something to do, it's the go-to place to look. When you register for the service, you can add whatever you're flying into your personal profile, and they randomly pick one to display on the opening screen each day as their "featured aircraft."

Well, holy smokes, guess who ended up front and center today?!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/7wpkb0al5y9u4um/Featured%20Aircraft.jpg?raw=1)

:o ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 22, 2018, 08:01:09 PM
Very nice, Steph!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 22, 2018, 08:04:19 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 22, 2018, 06:21:13 PM
There's an online service where pilots can see what activities are available in their area. Safety seminars, airshows, fly-ins, etc. If you've got an airplane and are looking for something to do, it's the go-to place to look. When you register for the service, you can add whatever you're flying into your personal profile, and they randomly pick one to display on the opening screen each day as their "featured aircraft."

Well, holy smokes, guess who ended up front and center today?!

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/7wpkb0al5y9u4um/Featured%20Aircraft.jpg?raw=1)

:o ;D

Is that one of dem dar miniature thingamabobs? it's looks tiny .. I bet I could pick that thing up and carry it away. is it for small people? shhh ....

ahem, Way to go Stephanieieieieieeeeeeeee
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 22, 2018, 09:08:19 PM
Quote from: Faith on February 22, 2018, 08:04:19 PM
Is that one of dem dar miniature thingamabobs? it's looks tiny .. I bet I could pick that thing up and carry it away. is it for small people? shhh ....

ahem, Way to go Stephanieieieieieeeeeeeee

Ooo, good save at the end. Somebody almost lost her chance for an aeroplane ride.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 23, 2018, 01:12:33 AM
I was gonna drone on about that prop but, no that is a real aircraft.  Scene it with my own ayes.  There, I almost blue it by winging it again.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 23, 2018, 01:34:08 AM
Quote from: Kendra on February 23, 2018, 01:12:33 AM
I was gonna drone on about that prop but, no that is a real aircraft.  Scene it with my own ayes.  There, I almost blue it by winging it again.

Well, it's not a drone, but considering who's flying it, it is an unmanned aircraft.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on February 24, 2018, 12:34:29 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 23, 2018, 01:34:08 AM
It is an unmanned aircraft.


- Stephanie

Hah, how long have you been waiting to use that line?

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 24, 2018, 12:41:57 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on February 24, 2018, 12:34:29 PM
Hah, how long have you been waiting to use that line?

Bari Jo

All her life, I think
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 24, 2018, 12:56:43 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on February 24, 2018, 12:34:29 PM
Hah, how long have you been waiting to use that line?

Quote from: Faith on February 24, 2018, 12:41:57 PM
All her life, I think

I was going to say something silly, but your answer was unexpectedly profound. You're right, and I kind of teared up when I realized its full meaning.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 24, 2018, 01:55:23 PM
To be able to live as our true selves doesn't have to be just a dream.  Like flying.  It is possible. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on February 24, 2018, 03:49:59 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 24, 2018, 12:56:43 PM
I was going to say something silly, but your answer was unexpectedly profound. You're right, and I kind of teared up when I realized its full meaning.


- Stephanie

Exactly the reaction I was hoping for!  Thanks Faith for the assist.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 24, 2018, 06:24:44 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on February 24, 2018, 03:49:59 PM
Exactly the reaction I was hoping for!  Thanks Faith for the assist.

Bari Jo, Kendra, Faith, sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself. I love you all so much. Thanks.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 27, 2018, 06:07:23 PM
Hi Friends,

I have a dilemma. I have very little sense of style or fashion, and I want to get some glasses that fit the new me better. I've uploaded pics to Zenni Optical, and leaning heavily on Cassie, have whittled down the choices from the original 28 I'd picked out, to three styles, two of which have two different colors. It would be so appreciated if you would all apply your sense of high style and let me know what you think.

I uploaded a picture with my hair down, and another with it up, compiled everything together, and created this page. Please let me know which is your favorite.

Thanks muchly!

Stephanie

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/uds8jh3753houur/Final%20Candidates%20Glasses.jpg?raw=1)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 27, 2018, 06:25:04 PM
I think I like the top one.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: PollyQMcLovely on February 27, 2018, 06:27:01 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 27, 2018, 06:07:23 PM
It would be so appreciated if you would all apply your sense of high style and let me know what you think.

Not the ones with the full rim.

You can skip the rest of this if you're looking for further fashion advice. As for the rest I don't have a favorite because I'm heavily biased against glasses in general. I used to be legally blind before I had Lasik and ever since I've been so so grateful to never need glasses again. Plus I hated the way I looked in every single pair of glasses I wore from like 3rd grade to my sophomore year of college.

Edit: You look fantastic by the way.

2nd edit: What color are your eyes? Could that be something to consider when choosing the color of the frame?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 27, 2018, 07:02:27 PM
Quote from: PollyQMcLovely on February 27, 2018, 06:27:01 PM
Not the ones with the full rim.

You can skip the rest of this if you're looking for further fashion advice. As for the rest I don't have a favorite because I'm heavily biased against glasses in general. I used to be legally blind before I had Lasik and ever since I've been so so grateful to never need glasses again. Plus I hated the way I looked in every single pair of glasses I wore from like 3rd grade to my sophomore year of college.

Edit: You look fantastic by the way.

2nd edit: What color are your eyes? Could that be something to consider when choosing the color of the frame?

Thanks Polly,

I had to take pictures without glasses to use on the Zenni website, and after seeing them I got to thinking about contacts. LASIK would be wonderful but I have too many other expenses coming up that have higher priority (GCS comes to mind), and I have an aversion to putting anything in my eyes since I tried the first soft contacts wayyyy back in the late 70s. I hear they're completely different and better nowadays. Maybe someday I'll give them a try. In the meantime I'll use the specs as a fashion accessory. I need all the help I can get.

I guess I'd call my eye color sorta grayish/hazelish/bluish.

I like those purplish glasses but wonder if they'd limit my color choices for clothes/makeup, etc.

Thanks for the compliment, by the way!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: PollyQMcLovely on February 27, 2018, 07:38:31 PM
QuoteI like those purplish glasses but wonder if they'd limit my color choices for clothes/makeup, etc.

- Stephanie

I too fancied the purplish hue but would worry about it clashing with other apparel. Also, and the following isn't to be taken too seriously, but I don't think purple can be taken too seriously so if you're at an funeral or something you'd have to cover the frame up with duct tape and tell people they're broken.

I'm also very squeamish when it comes to things getting near my eyes. I was never able to self apply contact lenses and I even had help once, I think like my dad held my head to a table while the eye doctor (eyewear salesman? I forget) tried to pop them on but I flopped around like a fish on a mechanical bull. So when it came time to get Lasik I was concerned I'd make things too difficult for the technicians. But they gave me a valium ahead of time and then they gave me a teddy bear to squeeze as they hooked me up to the Clockwork Orange machine. Then they zapped me so fast it was over before I knew it and it was completely painless.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on February 27, 2018, 07:45:20 PM
Eye definitely like the half-rim better than full rim.

Eye also like purple but wouldn't recommend a bright color for something you plan to wear every day.  You look great, no reason to distract from that... eye would just go with a less noticeable color, and if you want to add something bold there is always jewelry etc. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 27, 2018, 07:55:52 PM
I'd put in my fashion 2 cents if I had any.

Steph, you look good in all of them. I agree with Kendra though. I like the purples but not for day wear. And forget about full frames.  for what that's worth without the 2 cents.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on February 27, 2018, 08:17:27 PM
Hey I like my purple glasses !! Hush you two.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on February 27, 2018, 10:36:56 PM
I like the 4th one down (green?). It's a nice bit of color that doesn't distract from your eyes, and (hopefully) your attire. But you look good in all of them!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 27, 2018, 11:38:12 PM
Thanks y'all for the input. It was a tough decision, but I just ordered the second ones down. I read the reviews, and though the website calls the color brown, the reviewers say it's closer to black. I realized a while ago that sage green seems to go well with my hair, so the green bows should add some color without being overwhelming.

And wow... thanks for all the nice compliments! I'll model the real things for you when I get them.

Stylin' Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 12:54:31 AM
it's been a while since I inflicted another episode of my life story on you all, so now's the time to run...

Anybody left? <crickets>

Gonna write anyway. First, an update on the Mt. Sinai adventure: In my previous post (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2095363.html#msg2095363 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2095363.html#msg2095363)) I talked about not being able to see Dr. Ting at the same time as the rest of the people I have to meet. I emailed the person who's on the medical team to see if she had any insight into that, and also whether GCS in 2018 was even a possibility. And I waited, and waited. I finally decided to call, hoping that might break things loose. I talked to an answering service and left a message, and surprise! I got a reply to my email that afternoon. No phone call, though. She suggested that I meet with Dr. Ting along with everyone else in September, because no matter when I saw the rest of the crew, there was no way I was going to see Ting before September anyway. This after my original contact told me that if I split up the appointments, I'd be able to see Ting much earlier. Good grief. The other news was they don't expect I could get the surgery until early in 2019. I won't repeat why that has me worried.

I wrote back, asking specifically if Dr. Ting was actively performing the peritoneal method on trans women. I also told her that my schedule is very flexible, so I could be available almost any time they have an opening. And, of course, I have gotten no reply.

I decided that I needed answers as soon as possible. I can't wait until September to get my questions answered, so I stuck with the March 16th appointment. If I don't like what I hear, I won't have to go back again, and I'll look elsewhere. If I do like what I hear, I won't mind making another trip to meet with the doctor.

I've got to say, I expected a lot better than this from an institution as respected as Mount Sinai. Their communication just sucks, and I feel like a second or third class citizen. I've said it before, if Dr. Ting wasn't the only one that I know of performing the peritoneal method (if indeed he's actually doing that) I'd be going elsewhere right now. So we'll take a short vacation in NYC and hear them out.

As for NYC, thank you to all the lovely people who offered advice to a New York newbie. I got recommendations from mistyjensen, PollyQMcLovely, KarynMcD, Sydney_NYC, Kendra, and probably others who my poor memory has lost. We will be flying into LaGuardia on the 14th, and checking into the Hampton Inn Manhattan Downtown at the far south end of Manhattan. While we got recommendations for other hotels, and seriously considered AirBNB, we decided to play it safe for the first time there and go with somebody we know.

We'll do touristy stuff on the afternoon of the 14th and all day on the 15th, then go to the appointments on the morning of the 16th. Then it's off for more touristing. We'll do a little more of that on the morning of the 17th, then fly back home in the evening. Any locals who want to meet up while we're wandering around with our mouths open, let me know. I've gotten plenty of recommendations on where to go and what to do, though I can't remember even a fraction of them.

-----------------

One thing I may not have mentioned about my last visit to my primary care doctor: He's says I have to get a mammogram. So I had to call the imaging place and set up an appointment. No misgendering on the phone, though I wasn't happy with my voice, but I guess the assumption that anybody calling for a mammogram must be female got me through. She did ask whether it had been more than a year since my last one. Uhh, yeah. I'm debating whether it's even necessary to tell them that I'm trans, though I probably will just in case there's some reason they need to know. I'll wait 'til I get there and decide then.

-----------------

Passports. Ugh. I'm starting to get paranoid about the way our government is treating LGBT folks. When I went to the local courthouse to get the process started, the lady was nice but inexperienced with dealing with name and gender changes. She said it would be perfectly OK to send in a copy of the doctor's letter for the gender change, though I had my doubts. And sure enough, I got a letter from the state department saying they needed an original signed letter. Not thinking too much about it, I had my only copy on its way to them via standard mail the very same day. And... two weeks later, I got another identical letter from them asking for a signed copy. I called the Passport Information Center, and after getting bumped up to a supervisor, they decided that they knew nothing about how it worked, and sent a message to the big boys in the State Department's New Orleans Passport Center. Apparently the Passport Information Center is a contractor that can't answer anything beyond, "Dude, where's my passport?" I was told that I would be called within two weeks. Thursday will be two weeks, and I've heard nothing. I will call again on Thursday and start making some noise, and I'll try to get another signed copy of my letter from the clinic tomorrow. If I have to send it, it'll be overnight, insured, registered, and signature required.

What has me wondering is in the letter they sent, they provide a link: travel.state.gov/LGBT. It's dead. 404. I did a text search on their entire site, and LGBT turned up in only one place, about visiting some other small country. It feels like we've been purged from the government. This is the first time I've ever felt discriminated against during my transition, and it's by my own government. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but the current administration seems to be not only apathetic toward LGBT, but actively hostile. I'm trying not to let it add to the burden that's getting me down right now (see below), but... but... I don't know what. I'm speechless.

Update: I did some more snooping around, and found this page: https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/international-travel/before-you-go/travelers-with-special-considerations/lgbti.html (https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/international-travel/before-you-go/travelers-with-special-considerations/lgbti.html). So maybe things aren't quite as bad as it seems. Still haven't gotten a call, though.

-----------------

The last thing I wanted to mention is I'm prepping for my first electrocution (ok, you purists, electrolysis) session tomorrow, or as Cassie calls it, HNT (Hot Needle Torture). I haven't shaved since Saturday morning, and I'm having a very hard time with it. Even in my previous life I hated not being clean-shaven, and now it's dredged up some terrible dysphoria. I don't know how you all deal with it, but I'm not sure I can handle it every single week for years. Yesterday I was on the edge of tears all day, though the dam never actually broke, thanks to some mutual therapy via many many text messages with Cassie. Misery loves company I guess, and we were both having a hard time. Remember my theory about my monthly period? Well, if that had anything to do with it, it was a little early, but it also seems like Cassie and I have gotten in sync. That's not good. One of us is supposed to be up when the other is down. And the theory still isn't proven beyond doubt. It could just be this damned beard. I feel like I could join ZZ Top. It's interesting that the pictures I used for the glasses website were taken today, and nobody noticed. I did get my act together enough this afternoon to take Maggie for a walk, and ended up talking to one of my supportive neighbors about glasses choices, and when I mentioned the facial growth she told me that she hadn't even noticed. So a lot of the fuzziness might be in my head, instead of on it. But there's nothing new about that...

Anyway, I've got to get some sleep before I drive 1:15 to get to HNT tomorrow. Thanks for letting me unload on... oh, where is everybody?

G'Night.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: PollyQMcLovely on February 28, 2018, 02:33:57 AM
I hope you enjoy your trip to the greatest city ever. Make sure to try street meat and see Central Park.

I don't know how to handle the information that you couldn't get a consultation with Ting until September and were told the surgery date wouldn't be until 2019. I started my HRT at Sinai and I really wanted to keep all my various medical procedures under the same roof but EXPLETIVES more cursing punching of air I can't bear the thought having to wait that long or longer. Is it because he is the only one that does that procedure?

Arghh, I'm gonna go revisit that DIY Vaginoplasty thread from earlier.

Edit: oh and I wasn't trying to make light of the long wait situation, I truly can't stop my brain from telling me we need to come up with a plan to ensure the earliest SRS date possible. It never leaves my mind.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on February 28, 2018, 06:35:33 AM
Stephanie, I have to say, get used to being 2nd class, we're female.

Given I've read on wired that yes, Ting is doing this, sounds like that's a great choice, you can also bet their office is even more swamped than all the other docs doing vaginoplasties. My friend had a 2 week wait for a call back from Bluebond-Langer and it took Heidi Wittenberg's office a week to call me back to talk about a revision for my clitoral hood.

As to the vagaries of dealing with the state department, you've got me rethinking ever changing my legal name :-(
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 06:55:32 AM
Quote from: PollyQMcLovely on February 27, 2018, 07:38:31 PM
I flopped around like a fish on a mechanical bull.

This is a vivid movie in my brain now. And yet I can't help thinking, "I'll have what she's having."


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on February 28, 2018, 06:56:15 AM
Hi, Steph. 

It wouldn't surprise me if most SRS surgeons have poor front-office communications.  Brassard certainly has that reputation, too.  No one here can get a straight answer about what letters they require, and people have had their application rejected for not having the right ones, a situation that could have been avoided if the'd just answer questions.  I suppose that they don't have to make an effort because demand exceeds supply.

Good luck in the Big Apple.

I hear you on the passport hassles!  It's bad enough deling with three governments that are officially LGBT-friendly.  I can't imagine what it would be like dealing with one that is actively hostile.

Electrocutionlysis: yes, it sucks.  I hate walking around for three days with stubble.   I try to face it bravely.  After all, I'm a proud trans woman, and I have nothing to hide.  I just f'n dare anyone to make a sarcastic or hostile comment.  And yet, I hate it.  It looks and feels so horrible and scuzzy and male.  The only saving grace is that I didn't have much dark hair, and laser got rid of most of that.  What's left is mostly white, and doesn't show as badly as I think it does.  Or so I tell myself.  I also tell myself that the pain will be worth it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 06:57:20 AM
Quote from: Kendra on February 27, 2018, 07:45:20 PM
if you want to add something bold there is always jewelry etc.

Eye tried that once, but it kept getting in my eyes.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on February 28, 2018, 07:02:07 AM
Quoteand if you want to add something bold there is always jewelry etc

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 06:57:20 AM
Eye tried that once, but it kept getting in my eyes.
- Stephanie

ACK!!

(https://www.usnews.com/dims4/USNEWS/e8bf469/2147483647/thumbnail/640x420/quality/85/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.beam.usnews.com%2F98%2F1a355e16467dd8331cbf8149e58be4%2F50325Widemodern_EyeJewelry_131126.jpg)



disclaimer: Not sure how long the image will post, not my source link.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 07:02:23 AM
Quote from: Laurie on February 27, 2018, 08:17:27 PM
Hey I like my purple glasses !! Hush you two.

Yours look great. The rims are quite narrow so it isn't as noticeable as the one I was looking at. If I could afford more than one, I'd definitely get #1 or #3 for fun. But while the deals look good on the frames, by the time I add progressives with even minimal coatings, the price is well over $100.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 07:05:33 AM
Quote from: Faith on February 28, 2018, 07:02:07 AM
ACK!!

(https://www.usnews.com/dims4/USNEWS/e8bf469/2147483647/thumbnail/640x420/quality/85/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.beam.usnews.com%2F98%2F1a355e16467dd8331cbf8149e58be4%2F50325Widemodern_EyeJewelry_131126.jpg)

Oh no. No no no no no noooooooooo!



- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 07:19:24 AM
Quote from: PollyQMcLovely on February 28, 2018, 02:33:57 AM
I hope you enjoy your trip to the greatest city ever. Make sure to try street meat and see Central Park.

[emoji44] Street meat?!

I think one of our local restaurants serves that. The restaurant where there's a suspicious lack of mammalian wildlife around.

Quote
I don't know how to handle the information that you couldn't get a consultation with Ting until September and were told the surgery date wouldn't be until 2019. I started my HRT at Sinai and I really wanted to keep all my various medical procedures under the same roof but EXPLETIVES more cursing punching of air I can't bear the thought having to wait that long or longer. Is it because he is the only one that does that procedure?

Arghh, I'm gonna go revisit that DIY Vaginoplasty thread from earlier.

Edit: oh and I wasn't trying to make light of the long wait situation, I truly can't stop my brain from telling me we need to come up with a plan to ensure the earliest SRS date possible. It never leaves my mind.

Oh gosh, please stay away from anything DIY. I don't think you're serious, but that idea completely freaks me out.

Of course I want to be complete as soon as possible, but I could be patient if not for the fear of losing my insurance. No reason to outline it here - I talked about it at length in other posts.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 07:28:41 AM
Quote from: SadieBlake on February 28, 2018, 06:35:33 AM
Stephanie, I have to say, get used to being 2nd class, we're female.

Given I've read on wired that yes, Ting is doing this, sounds like that's a great choice, you can also bet their office is even more swamped than all the other docs doing vaginoplasties. My friend had a 2 week wait for a call back from Bluebond-Langer and it took Heidi Wittenberg's office a week to call me back to talk about a revision for my clitoral hood.

As to the vagaries of dealing with the state department, you've got me rethinking ever changing my legal name :-(

I'm trying hard not to redevelop the old negative viewpoint I used to have, and to be honest, I don't think specific gender has much to do with the roadblocks I'm running into. Obviously the doctors have much more demand than supply, so they don't need to be responsive. Good customer service and simple courtesy apparently aren't necessary when there are people beating down your door.

As for the passport thing... active prejudice or simple government incompetency? Sometimes it's hard to tell them apart. I can say, though, that this is the very first time I've run into any kind of problem with name and gender changes. The local court, the social security office, the DMV, were all not only very efficient, but smiling and congratulatory. So don't let this one thing slow you down!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 07:46:32 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 28, 2018, 06:56:15 AMIt wouldn't surprise me if most SRS surgeons have poor front-office communications.  Brassard certainly has that reputation, too.

That surprises me. The reviews I've read are glowing, but I guess that's for the doctor and his work, and people tend to forget the administrative hassles if they're happy with the end result. At least I know this isn't an isolated thing. It's a shame that these people don't seem to understand or care that we're already in a fragile state when we come to them, and being treated this way by people we'd expect to be helpful and supportive is the last thing we should expect. But I guess pushing through the crap just makes us stronger. Sometimes I wonder whether Mt. Sinai is deliberately making it hard to test our resolve.

QuoteElectrocutionlysis: yes, it sucks.  I hate walking around for three days with stubble ... It looks and feels so horrible and scuzzy and male.  The only saving grace is that I didn't have much dark hair, and laser got rid of most of that.  What's left is mostly white, and doesn't show as badly as I think it does.  Or so I tell myself.  I also tell myself that the pain will be worth it.

Mine is all white now, too, after five laser sessions. I guess it isn't noticeable, but I still hate it, and the thought of having to do this every week for literally years is freaking me out. I have a dear friend who has decided to use the service in Texas. She's done some in-depth analysis and her logic looks pretty convincing that not only is it tons faster, but it ends up being cheaper, too, even with travel and lodging. I'm seriously considering it.

Gotta go get ready for the HNT, followed by lunch with Cassie, some shopping, and a T-Network meetup this evening.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on February 28, 2018, 10:12:35 AM
For what it's worth, I have some info regarding the situation at Mt. Sinai.

About an hour ago, I talked with Theresa Soto-o'donnell who has been my primary point of contact during the initial steps of the process. According to her, they're having multiple issues that are causing the backlog of several hundred patients to get even further behind. One major problem is their email system, which is causing messages to just get lost. This fate has apparently befallen my GCS letter from my therapist, so I told her I will fax it in today.

The other issue is that, apparently their Entitlement Coordinator (who deals with the insurance companies) is out on extended leave, with only a part-time person in her place. I've been waiting just over two weeks for a yea/nay from my insurance company which, according to Theresa, should have only taken 2-3 business days.

I know that this isn't very good news, but at least it is news.

Theresa did also tell me to please call as often as I like to check on the status of things. Given the situation, it seems that the old-school methods of phone and fax are the only sure way of getting in touch with these folks, for now.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on February 28, 2018, 12:43:51 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 07:28:41 AM
I'm trying hard not to redevelop the old negative viewpoint I used to have, and to be honest, I don't think specific gender has much to do with the roadblocks I'm running into. Obviously the doctors have much more demand than supply, so they don't need to be responsive. Good customer service and simple courtesy apparently aren't necessary when there are people beating down your door.
- Stephanie

If Cassie is right and their backlog is indeed several hundred, the problem is worse than I'd have imagined.

I don't think you can look at medicine in terms of customer service or at least I don't want to. For patients who aren't extremely knowledgeable, the physician's task is to get the most accurate information they can and work accordingly. They aren't specialists in running a business (I wouldn't want a doc who was) and hopefully they succeed in having good support staff to do that part.

In any case, there's no good way to handle the kind of huge demand these docs are seeing. Hiring good people takes time, and those people need offices etc and building that is going to take more time.

Never mind my tongue in cheek comment about what we can expect as women ... I still believe that and have some personal thoughts on it -- the local guy doing MTF vaginoplasties is a dick doctor, he's a god among surgeons practicing vasectomy reversal. I got technically better service in his office and was unimpressed. Heidi Wittenberg's and her staff being almost all female weren't as well organized, however my feelings we're infinitely better, start to finish.

As ever, ymmv.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 01, 2018, 05:30:12 PM
A couple of updates:

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 28, 2018, 12:54:31 AMI wrote back, asking specifically if Dr. Ting was actively performing the peritoneal method on trans women.

Well, surprise! Two days after I asked that question, I got a reply. Yes, Dr. Ting is doing the peritoneal procedure. This was the pivotal information I needed to decide whether to keep going with Mt. Sinai. I'm feeling better about my upcoming appointments now.

QuoteOne thing I may not have mentioned about my last visit to my primary care doctor: He's says I have to get a mammogram ... I'm debating whether it's even necessary to tell them that I'm trans, though I probably will just in case there's some reason they need to know. I'll wait 'til I get there and decide then.

This one deserves its own post. See the next entry...

QuotePassports. Ugh. ... Thursday will be two weeks, and I've heard nothing. I will call again on Thursday and start making some noise, and I'll try to get another signed copy of my letter from the clinic tomorrow.

Still nothing, and I was too busy to make the call today. I'll start raising a ruckus tomorrow.

QuoteI'm prepping for my first electrocution ... session tomorrow.

Well, it's hard to quantify the pain compared to laser. It still hurts, it's just a different hurt. Sort of like a bee sting, followed by a pluck. Over and over and over. She asked where I wanted to start, and I suggested the parts that are hardest to shave: the areas just above the corners of my mouth, and each side of my chin. I also decided that since it's the area known to be the most painful, let's attack the mustache area and get it out of the way. She worked on that first for 15 minutes, and I called a halt to that and we moved to the chin area. That was bad, but better. The good news is I can cut a day off the growing time, and we'll be making decisions each week on the area we'll be tackling the following week, so I only have to let that part grow. She only does 1/2 hour sessions, once a week. This could take a very long time, as in years. I'm considering my options with Electrolysis 3000 in Texas.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 01, 2018, 06:09:09 PM
Well, today was another milestone in my journey into womanhood. I got my first breast pictures, apparently known as Ma'am O'Grams.

I was a bit nervous on the way there, but decided when I got alone with the tech, I would tell them the whole story in case it had any bearing on the test. I checked in and got called back ("Stephanie" this time!). Judy is a cute petite older lady (though still younger than me by a lot). We got back to the room and we talked a little bit (about airplanes of course), and after she closed the door I told her that I needed to fill her in on something.

"If it's not obvious, I'm transgender, and this is my first mammogram."

She stopped and looked and said, "No! It's not at all obvious!" Another pause and look, and, "You look great!"

I joked about how when I'd called, they'd asked if it had been more than a year since I'd had a mammogram, and also how my intake nurse at my last primary doctor appointment had asked when I'd had my last menstrual period.  :D :D

And it just got better from there. She had a million questions, and I answered them all honestly. I educated her on the importance of pronouns when she referred to a MTF trans friend of her son's as "he." At one point when she said that long ago in a different office she had met someone who was transitioning, and said something about how he (I corrected her on the pronoun later) had decided he wanted to be a woman. I told her that that wasn't correct. Someone dealing with this doesn't "decide to be a woman." They know they are a woman, but are wearing the wrong suit. The decision they make is whether or when to do something about it.

The atmosphere was extremely friendly and smiley, and she absorbed all the information thoughtfully and thankfully. She clamped what little I've got into the vise and took the pictures, then showed me everything while explaining what I was seeing. Cool stuff.

We bantered a little more, and I got a big hug and was made to promise to go back to see her next year. I'm looking forward to it.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on March 02, 2018, 06:01:59 PM
Steph, I love your latest avatar!!  The nurse was right, "it" is not at all obvious.  You look lovely.

I guess I should go get my boobs squished soon.  They are more than a year old.  I'll have to ask them to use the extra-small vise.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 02, 2018, 06:18:16 PM
Your new avatar is great!

And what a cool experience. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on March 03, 2018, 08:08:16 AM
no avatar comment from me, if her head gets too big she'll hit it on things when up on the fridge. safety first.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 03, 2018, 08:13:05 AM
Quote from: Faith on March 03, 2018, 08:08:16 AM
no avatar comment from me, if her head gets too big she'll hit it on things when up on the fridge. safety first.

Ok, I no longer feel guilty for who I cropped out of the picture. [emoji34]

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on March 03, 2018, 08:48:38 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 03, 2018, 08:13:05 AM
Ok, I no longer feel guilty for who I cropped out of the picture. [emoji34]

Stephanie

Wha??!!?? I'm just trying to look out for you. I swear, you try to be nice and .............
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 06, 2018, 10:37:29 PM
Regarding my new glasses:

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 27, 2018, 11:38:12 PM
Thanks y'all for the input. It was a tough decision, but I just ordered the second ones down. I read the reviews, and though the website calls the color brown, the reviewers say it's closer to black. I realized a while ago that sage green seems to go well with my hair, so the green bows should add some color without being overwhelming.

And wow... thanks for all the nice compliments! I'll model the real things for you when I get them.

As promised:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180307/90a9e7722c0292e2ab8c353daa41422a.jpg)

So, as usual, Stephanie is making a spectacle of herself. Thank you all for your help. I like them a lot.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 07, 2018, 12:21:31 AM
WOW!

Clearly great.  Even better than envisioned.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 07, 2018, 12:41:20 AM
Hmmmm are they bi..tri focals or is she more progressive?  Whichever, the glasses look great. ((((((St)ep)h)a)(n)i)e)

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 07, 2018, 01:36:20 AM
To avoid cross-posting, here's a link to my post about cool stuff that happened tonight:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=234973.msg2102924#msg2102924 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=234973.msg2102924#msg2102924)


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 07, 2018, 07:18:03 AM
Wow, those look great on you!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 07, 2018, 08:23:40 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 07, 2018, 12:41:20 AM
Hmmmm are they bi..tri focals or is she more progressive?  Whichever, the glasses look great. ((((((St)ep)h)a)(n)i)e)

Well, I tri to focus on bi(nary) and mono(gamy), and am generally progressive.

I must say, I'm impressed that your parentheses balance.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 07, 2018, 08:27:53 AM
Quote from: Sarah_P on March 07, 2018, 07:18:03 AM
Wow, those look great on you!

Thanks, Sarah. They'd look good on you, too. Of course, you'd look good in anything!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 07, 2018, 12:16:34 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 07, 2018, 08:27:53 AM
Thanks, Sarah. They'd look good on you, too. Of course, you'd look good in anything!

- Stephanie

You should see me in a Godzilla costume!
.... I actually don't have one. I should, though!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 07, 2018, 12:19:20 PM
Quote from: Sarah_P on March 07, 2018, 12:16:34 PM
You should see me in a Godzilla costume!
.... I actually don't have one. I should, though!!

It would be the cutest widdow Godzilla ever! Cootchie coo, Zilly!  :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on March 07, 2018, 12:23:59 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 07, 2018, 12:19:20 PM
It would be the cutest widdow Godzilla ever! Cootchie coo, Zilly!  :D

Gamera!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 07, 2018, 12:27:05 PM
Quote from: Cassi on March 07, 2018, 12:23:59 PM
Gamera!
Rhodan

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 07, 2018, 12:40:41 PM
Quote from: Laurie on March 07, 2018, 12:27:05 PM
Rhodan

Raymond Burr!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on March 07, 2018, 12:58:30 PM
Orson Wells?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on March 07, 2018, 03:10:33 PM
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/dw6ufu7edbzeo6s/Abe_simpson.gif)
MAAAAATLOCK!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 07, 2018, 05:44:08 PM
Chief? McCloud!

On a side note, I actually googled for a sexy Godzilla costume. There's a sexy dinosaur, but no Godzilla. What's up with that, internet?!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 07, 2018, 06:06:18 PM
Not godzilla.  Godesszilla.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 07, 2018, 09:17:55 PM
Quote from: Kendra on March 07, 2018, 06:06:18 PM
Not godzilla.  Godesszilla.

:D I like the way you think!  :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 03:03:55 PM
Someone posted a different thread talking about their Girl's Day out. Us, too!!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180310/3cd4bded1e3e0bf3f8fc75341b4cc2db.jpg)

Cassie and I are out to lunch after getting our hairs done. Next up we're going to a nail salon where I'm getting my first acrylic nails and then getting my eyebrows threaded. What a great day!

Stephanie, with much assistance from @sassycassie !
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 10, 2018, 03:12:52 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 03:03:55 PM
Someone posted a different thread talking about their Girl's Day out. Us, too!!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180310/3cd4bded1e3e0bf3f8fc75341b4cc2db.jpg)

Cassie and I are out to lunch after getting our hairs done. Next up we're going to a nail salon where I'm getting my first acrylic nails and then getting my eyebrows threaded. What a great day!

Stephanie, with much assistance from @SassyCassie !

Stephanie... and Cassie
Both of you ladies look terrific...  it is so very nice to pampered in a salon... it is a great feeling, and then looking at yourselves in a mirror afterwards!!!!   "priceless !"
A very nice picture indeed.
Danielle   ... previously Aspiringperson
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on March 10, 2018, 03:20:27 PM
Ooo have fun girls! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 10, 2018, 03:32:36 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 03:03:55 PM
> and then getting my eyebrows threaded. What a great day!

An excellent thread
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on March 10, 2018, 03:40:54 PM
Thank you Stephanie and Cassie for show us how to do it right! I just love a good girls day out and you two are giving us lessons, please keep it up sister.

Nails huh, as Devlyn says, "no pictures, it never happened".

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on March 10, 2018, 04:43:22 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 03:03:55 PM
Someone posted a different thread talking about their Girl's Day out. Us, too!!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180310/3cd4bded1e3e0bf3f8fc75341b4cc2db.jpg)

Cassie and I are out to lunch after getting our hairs done. Next up we're going to a nail salon where I'm getting my first acrylic nails and then getting my eyebrows threaded. What a great day!

Stephanie, with much assistance from @SassyCassie !
Looking great, ladies!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 04:47:49 PM
Quote from: Kendra on March 10, 2018, 03:32:36 PM
An excellent thread

I figured I'd raise some eyebrows with that!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 05:10:29 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on March 10, 2018, 03:40:54 PM
Thank you Stephanie and Cassie for show us how to do it right! I just love a good girls day out and you two are giving us lessons, please keep it up sister.

Nails huh, as Devlyn says, "no pictures, it never happened".

Tia Anne

Ha! Nails done. On to the brow bar at Ulta!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180310/d403201925a5a5af1d0e6a025d5fcb67.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on March 10, 2018, 05:38:26 PM
Wow deep red nails!  Tell us about the bracelets.

On my girls day out today all I did was run errands, electrology, groceries, girl scout cookies, dentist.  After all that I went to get some makeup from target.  I'm literally frumpy, no makeup, didn't shave for electrology.  I got "she'd" by the guy behind me as he was talking to his son.  I think it surprised him by his expression when I turned around, but hey I'll take it.  I just smiled at him, then paid and left.

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 10, 2018, 06:10:36 PM
Couldn't wait for me huh?  I will remember that. Cassie/((((St)e)ph)(n)i)e having girl's day out knowing I am on my way. Yep they be. In TROUBLE.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 08:01:48 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on March 10, 2018, 05:38:26 PM
Wow deep red nails!  Tell us about the bracelets.

The beaded one is just a cheapie bought from a tent vendor. The wraparound bracelet is special. I took a friend of Cassie's for a flight and she was so thrilled by it all that she gave that to me as a thank you gift. It says "Safe travels wherever you go", and has airplanes on the inside. It's a special gift from a special friend.

QuoteOn my girls day out today all I did was run errands, electrology, groceries, girl scout cookies, dentist.  After all that I went to get some makeup from target.  I'm literally frumpy, no makeup, didn't shave for electrology.  I got "she'd" by the guy behind me as he was talking to his son.  I think it surprised him by his expression when I turned around, but hey I'll take it.  I just smiled at him, then paid and left.

Hey everyone! Bari Jo had genuine male-fail! High fives all around!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on March 10, 2018, 10:23:47 PM
Quote from: Laurie on March 10, 2018, 06:10:36 PM
Couldn't wait for me huh?  I will remember that. Cassie/((((St)e)ph)(n)i)e having girl's day out knowing I am on my way. Yep they be. In TROUBLE.

Well, if Madame would deign to forward along her itinerary, the local events staff could ensure that all festivities will be postponed until the arrival of Her Imperial Majesty, at which time there will be much fanfare and merriment. :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 10:25:06 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on March 10, 2018, 10:23:47 PM
Well, if Madame would deign to forward along her itinerary, the local events staff could ensure that all festivities will be postponed until the arrival of Her Imperial Majesty, at which time there will be much fanfare and merriment. :D

Uh oh. I'll clean off the fridge...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 10, 2018, 10:51:51 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 10:25:06 PM
Uh oh. I'll clean off the fridge...
Yes, St((e)ph)a(n(i)e),

    Methinks a certain sassy young lady is being a tad bratty and will need a little time out when I get there. No chocolate, wine,or fruit this time I think.

  Fyi Dragoon Az is aways behind me an New Mexico is on the horizon.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 11:09:19 PM
Well hi again, kiddies. As I chill out by warming up in front of Cassie's fireplace, I figured I'd write a general update...

Back to the passport debacle. When we last looked In on our heroine, she was was still awaiting a call from the passport office to see what their problem was.  After waiting two weeks with no return call, she called again. Let's join her for her first-hand account:

I called again, and was promised the same thing as before - a callback within two weeks. I got a little upset and tried to make it understood that that's what I'd been promised two weeks ago. I tried to get it escalated, and was told the only way to get to anyone higher was to send snailmail to the passport office. I got even more upset when she started misgendering me, to the point where I forcefully corrected her by shouting over her. Not a particularly good experience.

In the meantime, I decided to get another signed letter from the doctor. It took some time, but I was finally able to pick up two copies, signed by the new ARNP who prescribes my HRT.

And finally, five days after the last call, the actual passport office in New Orleans called. The lady was very nice and apologetic. It turns out the problem has always been that the signature has to be from an MD or a DO. A nurse practitioner isn't sufficient. So on Tuesday I'll be picking up yet another letter signed by the clinic's managing physician. The lady from the passport office promised they would get right on it as soon as they received it. I sure hope so. There's only one major document that needs to be changed aftet that - my pilots license.




All the fun I had on today's girl's day out is in preparation for my trip to New York to meet with the team at Mount Sinai about my GCS. The pace is picking up to warp speed as I get everything ready. I don't know how much time I'll have to report in here after Monday. I'll do my best to post updates on the trip. We leave bright and early Wednesday morning.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 10, 2018, 11:48:37 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 10, 2018, 11:09:19 PM
Well hi again, kiddies. As I chill out by warming up in front of Cassie's fireplace, I figured I'd write a general update...

Back to the passport debacle. When we last looked In on our heroine, she was was still awaiting a call from the passport office to see what their problem was.  After waiting two weeks with no return call, she called again. Let's join her for her first-hand account:

I called again, and was promised the same thing as before - a callback within two weeks. I got a little upset and tried to make it understood that that's what I'd been promised two weeks ago. I tried to get it escalated, and was told the only way to get to anyone higher was to send snailmail to the passport office. I got even more upset when she started misgendering me, to the point where I forcefully corrected her by shouting over her. Not a particularly good experience.

In the meantime, I decided to get another signed letter from the doctor. It took some time, but I was finally able to pick up two copies, signed by the new ARNP who prescribes my HRT.

And finally, five days after the last call, the actual passport office in New Orleans called. The lady was very nice and apologetic. It turns out the problem has always been that the signature has to be from an MD or a DO. A nurse practitioner isn't sufficient. So on Tuesday I'll be picking up yet another letter signed by the clinic's managing physician. The lady from the passport office promised they would get right on it as soon as they received it. I sure hope so. There's only one major document that needs to be changed aftet that - my pilots license.




All the fun I had on today's girl's day out is in preparation for my trip to New York to meet with the team at Mount Sinai about my GCS. The pace is picking up to warp speed as I get everything ready. I don't know how much time I'll have to report in here after Monday. I'll do my best to post updates on the trip. We leave bright and early Wednesday morning.

Stephanie
Wednesday... Hmmmm today is Saturday tomorrow should be Sunday ..that leaves Monday and Tuesday.. Hmmm I probably should think about that. ..

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on March 11, 2018, 01:00:29 AM
I hope New York goes well for you, Steph. Also, remember to have a great time. NYC is a cool city to visit.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 11, 2018, 04:20:06 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 10, 2018, 11:48:37 PM
Wednesday... Hmmmm today is Saturday tomorrow should be Sunday ..that leaves Monday and Tuesday.. Hmmm I probably should think about that. ..

Oh gosh, I hope you're kidding. The last few days before a big trip are the worst possible times to be around me. My stress levels go out of sight and there are a million things to do, and this trip to Mt Sinai is particularly special for me. I need everything to go right, and I'm already sliding into FPM*. Tuesday specifically is completely booked as we get ready to go.

I'll PM you with details but this week just isn't going to be good.

Stephanie

* I have two modes I work in when preparing for big events:

IPM: Initial Panic Mode. Starts a week or so beforehand, and includes all the preliminaries.

FPM: Full Panic Mode. Completely freak out as I realize I forgot to do a million things during IPM.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 11, 2018, 04:57:54 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 11, 2018, 04:20:06 AM
Oh gosh, I hope you're kidding. The last few days before a big trip are the worst possible times to be around me. My stress levels go out of sight and there are a million things to do, and this trip to Mt Sinai is particularly special for me. I need everything to go right, and I'm already sliding into FPM*. Tuesday specifically is completely booked as we get ready to go.

I'll PM you with details but this week just isn't going to be good.

Stephanie

* I have two modes I work in when preparing for big events:

IPM: Initial Panic Mode. Starts a week or so beforehand, and includes all the preliminaries.

FPM: Full Panic Mode. Completely freak out as I realize I forgot to do a million things during IPM.
Don't know what to tell ya. You actually think I would show up when it is convenient?

Hugs,
   Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on March 11, 2018, 09:53:39 PM
Quote from: Laurie on March 10, 2018, 10:51:51 PM
Yes, St((e)ph)a(n(i)e),

    Methinks a certain sassy young lady is being a tad bratty and will need a little time out when I get there. No chocolate, wine,or fruit this time I think.

In order to receive guests properly, we must have time to prepare. With that said, I'd love to meet you, if our schedules can coincide. I've got a lot going on lately, due in part to possibly following in Steph's footsteps for NYC trip of my own.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 11, 2018, 11:28:39 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on March 11, 2018, 09:53:39 PM
In order to receive guests properly, we must have time to prepare. With that said, I'd love to meet you, if our schedules can coincide. I've got a lot going on lately, due in part to possibly following in Steph's footsteps for NYC trip of my own.
It appears we will rendevous on Monday next after she returns. I will be in Inverness most of the time until then. A run down to visit Faith and Lori is likely going to happen one of thise days. We don't need Ms parenthesis for all the fun.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: mm on March 12, 2018, 02:17:18 PM
good luck in NY, Stephanie, I hope you get all the information you want and a date that works for you.  Do enjoy the big city a bit too.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 12, 2018, 02:25:06 PM
Quote from: mm on March 12, 2018, 02:17:18 PM
good luck in NY, Stephanie, I hope you get all the information you want and a date that works for you.  Do enjoy the big city a bit too.

Thanks dude. Our first time there and we'll see as much as we can in those few days, but we're going to experience extreme shiverosity. High 30s to low 40sF is outrageous for us Florida girls. I had to borrow a heavy wool coat from a neighbor.

Brrrrrr

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on March 12, 2018, 02:48:12 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 12, 2018, 02:25:06 PM
High 30s to low 40sF is outrageous for us Florida girls.

This reminds me of that priceless moment with Tia in the Phoenix airport!

It was 45 degrees outside and we're bundling up as though we're about to cross arctic tundra while she marches straight out the doors, perfectly comfortable in the weather!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on March 12, 2018, 02:51:02 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on March 12, 2018, 02:48:12 PM
This reminds me of that priceless moment with Tia in the Phoenix airport!

It was 45 degrees outside and we're bundling up as though we're about to cross arctic tundra while she marches straight out the doors, perfectly comfortable in the weather!

Annie's one tough cookie!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 12, 2018, 02:54:19 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on March 12, 2018, 02:48:12 PM
This reminds me of that priceless moment with Tia in the Phoenix airport!

It was 45 degrees outside and we're bundling up as though we're about to cross arctic tundra while she marches straight out the doors, perfectly comfortable in the weather!

Heh. That priceless look on her face when she looked back and we weren't there. Still inside the terminal digging for our environment suits.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on March 12, 2018, 08:21:05 PM
I am pretty sure that it was closer to 70 degrees out......come on girls!

Stephanie, enjoy your visit to the Big Apple. I hope that you get the answers that you are looking for. I know that you will enjoy yourselves even if you need to scrape the ice off of your glasses in the blizzard.

Take care girl,
Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 13, 2018, 12:38:17 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on March 12, 2018, 08:21:05 PM
I am pretty sure that it was closer to 70 degrees out......come on girls!

Stephanie, enjoy your visit to the Big Apple. I hope that you get the answers that you are looking for. I know that you will enjoy yourselves even if you need to scrape the ice off of your glasses in the blizzard.

Yes, it actually was closer to 70... than it was to zero.

I guess I'm feeling particularly contemplative tonight. The last couple of days have been a bit of a roller coaster. Lots of elevated highs and subterranean lows. Thoughts are piling in and I'm trying to process them all.

Right now I'm thinking about milestones.

Tia, I had blown by many many milestones by the end of January, but the trip to Phoenix surpassed them all. I've used the term before: it was a true turning point in my life. It was such an honor to share that experience with Cassie and you and Kendra - and Dena, Mariah, Jamie, Denise, and all the rest who were with us in spirit. That trip was the culmination of shedding the cocoon - and finding out that the world was actually welcoming to the person I've always been, but whom I'd never before let them see.

Now I'm preparing for another trip with the potential to be just as momentous. I wish you could all be with me again for this one, but this time I'm sharing the experience with my life partner, Sue. If I get the news I hope to, I will be set on the path that leads to the most scary, but most dearly desired change in my life.

I've done everything I can think of to prepare my external self for this trip. I have new glasses, new colored and styled hair, beautiful new fingernails, shaped eyebrows. I would never have been able to get through most of that without the gentle guidance and encouragement of one of the most important people in my life: my dear sister Cassie. I don't know where I'd be now without her, but it certainly wouldn't be anywhere near this far.

As for my internal self: Once again I will be leaving my comfort zone far behind. New York City has never held any attraction for me, just as I've avoided all other big cities. But with the help of many great people, I've prepared as best as I can, and am mentally armed with what I think is enough knowledge to keep myself mostly out of trouble.

The base reason for the trip should be the scariest thing about it - but strangely enough, it's the part I feel most confident about. I'll be seeing a social worker, a mental health doctor, and a member of the medical team, and I know that I have a good story for all of them. I feel stable, confident this is the right thing, and though I certainly am not as strong as Kendra was when she went to Phoenix, I'm in pretty good health. I was never as certain of acing a test in school as I am about impressing all these people. I'm much more anxious about what I'm going to wear and how I'm going to get around town than I am about the interviews. And, surprisingly even to myself, the fact that I'm going as Stephanie has hardly even entered into my mind. After all, who else would I go as? There are much more pressing matters to worry about. The external face I'm presenting to the world as I do this is just the manifestation of my new normal. This is me.

I'll try to give a running commentary but you know how it is. I'll do the best I can, but there isn't going to be much downtime for writing.

Once again I quote our sister Ashley: On we go!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 14, 2018, 04:13:22 AM
Get up too early
Driving through the early dark
New York here we come
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 14, 2018, 09:58:14 AM
Rough landing approach
Landed at LaGuardia
Freezing in New York!

Let me off the plane
Problems with the dang jetway
Really got to pee!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on March 14, 2018, 10:16:59 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 14, 2018, 09:58:14 AM
Rough landing approach
Landed at LaGuardia
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.  Even better if they can use the plane again.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on March 14, 2018, 10:26:59 AM
Aviators make the worst passengers.  Almost as bad as air traffic controllers!   ;D

Stephanie, I hope all goes smoothly for you at Mt Sinai.  Those 'panel' days are more unnerving than the surgery day was for me.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 14, 2018, 11:25:24 AM
 Hi S(((te)p(h)a)n)i)(e),

  You will have fun. You will get the interviews done. You will be scheduled for surgery. And you will enjoy your visit to the big Fruit. Then you will return home to visit with a long put off Laurie who will have been impatiently for you and Sue to get back, settled in and ready to give an audience to her.

Hugs and Joy ful outcome from your trip.

Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 14, 2018, 01:09:33 PM
We're in our room at the Hampton Inn near Battery Park. So far it's been airliners, buses, trains, and subways. Learning fast and having an adventure. For those who don't know, this is our first time in NYC. I haven't even thought much about presenting. Just being at ease being me. Been treated very well by everyone. Getting fabulous as I prepare for my first appointment at 4pm with the mental health consultant at Mt. Sinai, Dr. Elizabeth Berk. Gonna wow her!

Stephanie and the Dragon Lady (AKA Sue)

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 14, 2018, 01:18:09 PM
You'll do great - and once you get the hang of NYC transportation it's easy to get around. 

And hey, with that seasonal weather you don't need a refrigerator.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 14, 2018, 01:26:19 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 14, 2018, 01:09:33 PM
We're in our room at the Hampton Inn near Battery Park. So far it's been airliners, buses, trains, and subways. Learning fast and having an adventure. For those who don't know, this is our first time in NYC. I haven't even thought much about presenting. Just being at ease being me. Been treated very well by everyone. Getting fabulous as I prepare for my first appointment at 4pm with the mental health consultant at Mt. Sinai, Dr. Elizabeth Berk. Gonna wow her!

Stephanie and the Dragon Lady (AKA Sue)

Oh WoW you're going to wow everyone wowie zowie.
  Have a good consult.

Hugs,
   Laurie

https://www.google.com/search?q=wowie+zowie&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-1
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 14, 2018, 01:49:47 PM
Quote from: Laurie on March 14, 2018, 11:25:24 AM
Hi S(((te)p(h)a)n)i)(e),

  You will have fun. You will get the interviews done. You will be scheduled for surgery. And you will enjoy your visit to the big Fruit. Then you will return home to visit with a long put off Laurie who will have been impatiently for you and Sue to get back, settled in and ready to give an audience to her.

Hugs and Joy ful outcome from your trip.

Laurie

I'm so looking forward to it! And, surprise!, I've made arrangements to have custody of the plane on Monday and Tuesday, so if the weather is good you'll get your airplane ride. I'll be picking up the plane on Sunday evening. And there's a dang good chance that @sassycassie will be with us that day, too!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 14, 2018, 01:51:39 PM
Ship it north!  I wanna see a video of you taking off from Central Park. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 14, 2018, 01:57:12 PM
Quote from: Kendra on March 14, 2018, 01:51:39 PM
Ship it north!  I wanna see a video of you taking off from Central Park.

Captain Sillyburger, going in the Hudson.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on March 14, 2018, 02:01:33 PM
Can see the headlines now:

"Transisters Circle The Empire State Building"
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 14, 2018, 02:28:29 PM
We took the subway north and found the office at 275 7th Ave an hour early, so we're at brgr, a block down, getting a late lunch.

The cold is bad, but the winds gusting to 25mph is just brutal. I give up on my hair...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180314/13f6e361a533a6b1fa0b9ae29ea17827.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on March 14, 2018, 03:10:55 PM
Check out Gray's Papaya. Not bad for a hot dog. Place has been there for years and has made it into all the travel guides as a place to go.

https://goo.gl/maps/qozSDxX7HDB2 Gray's Papaya
2090 Broadway, New York, NY 10023, USA
+1 212-799-0243

That's if you find yourself around there. I thought you said 75th not 275th. Wow, that's way up there, almost in Canada. [emoji846]

Enjoy the big fruit, you know what they say, an apple a day....... oh never mind, you don't actually want to keep the doctor away.

Hope the appointments go well for you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on March 14, 2018, 03:38:02 PM
Enjoy the Big Apple.  I hope your appointments go smoothly.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 14, 2018, 02:28:29 PM
The cold is bad, but the winds gusting to 25mph is just brutal. I give up on my hair...

Welcome to the north.  Well, not the true north (that's us, strong and free), but kind of north-ish.  God created cold so that we girls could wear nice sweaters.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 14, 2018, 03:43:27 PM
We've got a brgr in Kansas City, I love it!

Have a good time! I'm sure everything will go well for you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 15, 2018, 07:02:23 AM
Well, I'm starting another day in the big fruit place, and the first thing that I wanted to do was visit with you all here.

It is sooooo cold. Just brutal, in the upper 30sF and winds high enough to blow my purse off my shoulder. Being from Michigan, I know I was able to deal with this in the past, but after 15 years in Florida that capability no longer exists. Kudos, Kathy, for being able to handle it. I admit that having a nicer variety of clothes to wear beyond shorts, skirts, and short sleeve tops is attractive, but OMG. Cold hurts.

I don't have a lot of time to write, but wanted to let you know that the interview went wonderfully. We wowed each other. She was so nice, and at the end of the half hour she was at her computer writing the second recommendation letter to send my insurance company. Here we are as I left.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/3bfb1458f358dbd074f14a232bbdb5f0.jpg)

This is the nondescript entrance to the building on 7th Avenue. The clinic is on the 12th floor, and you would never know about the bustling practice that's going upstairs.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/894e8c79798e11cfeae16c066e491eb3.jpg)

That lady looks really cold.

I was elated by how well it had gone, but was headed for a wall. We left the office and went to the Empire State Building, which was pretty cool, but after a while there my energy levels bottomed out, and my mood with it. We'd been up since 4am and the stress of traveling, the excitement of the consultation, and the cold just drained the last power from my battery. Add in a couple of minor misgendering incidents, and the cruel way the wind was doing its best to make sure everyone could see my receding hairline, and I hit bottom. It was nothing like a meltdown, but it was a pretty black mood. We schlepped back south in the underground tubey thing and collapsed in the hotel.

Things did improve later when we went out to eat and we ladies were treated like ladies. So after a good nights sleep all is well again. And my wife is sighing about me wasting time here instead of getting moving, so I'd better go. More later!

Stephanie

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 15, 2018, 09:00:00 AM
I forgot to add that Elizabeth was yet another therapist/psychiatrist who'd never heard of Susan's Place. I corrected that oversight! She actually wrote it down. When we talked a little about my therapist, I told her how I rarely needed to meet with her any more, since all you wonderful people pretty much take her place. She seemed impressed, and I suspect she'll be taking a look.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 15, 2018, 09:28:41 AM
Sooo glad your first meeting went great! 

MtF HRT amped up my sensory perception and that includes the perception of temperature.  I've found cold is no longer a mild distraction, it just plain hurts.  As for the wind messing with your hairline, there's 2 or 3 Target stores on Manhattan - drop by and get a nice grey snow hat to go with that coat.  Or for a more memorable shopping experience there is Macy's on 34th.

Enjoy getting some rest and thaw out. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 15, 2018, 09:43:48 AM
Hi S((t((e)p)a)(n)ie),

  Cold?  I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt yesterday. It's been bright and sunny here. Temp in the 60s. Nice warm weather if you ask me. I don't know what you are complaining about.
  Glad the consult went well and ((Slap)) What's this about a dark mood. You are up there for a good thing young lady now enjoy it. One more negative comment and you'll be on the fridge again...

  Mark my words and give Saintly Sue a hug for me. Now smile prettily and enjoy your trip.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 15, 2018, 10:35:55 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 15, 2018, 09:43:48 AM
Hi S((t((e)p)a)(n)ie),

  Cold?  I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt yesterday. It's been bright and sunny here. Temp in the 60s. Nice warm weather if you ask me. I don't know what you are complaining about.
  Glad the consult went well and ((Slap)) What's this about a dark mood. You are up there for a good thing young lady now enjoy it. One more negative comment and you'll be on the fridge again...

  Mark my words and give Saintly Sue a hug for me. Now smile prettily and enjoy your trip.

Hugs,
   Laurie

That's it. I'm moving to Florida.

Doing the best I can. Lots of stress but better today. In line for tickets to Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island now. Thinking about the Natural History museum after the appointments tomorrow. Don't know about this afternoon yet. Will probably stay around the south end of Manhattan. Maybe freedom tower or 911 memorial. Playing it by ear...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on March 15, 2018, 01:51:07 PM
The 9/11 memorial plaza and sunken fountains is beautiful.  The museum below ground is very well done, but bring tissues.  It takes a few hours to do it justice.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on March 15, 2018, 02:30:11 PM
Great news about your first appointment with Mt Sinai. I never had any doubt that it would go well.

Here is another (((slap))) young lady. You stick that dark mood back into the closet and get out there and enjoy that awesome city. Got it! And what is this whining about cold temps. I just returned from Europe with -20 degrees C temps (-4 F for those of you that don't soeak English! And I am from Sydney with a climate similar to Florida.[emoji16]

Just kidding, that is cold. Get yourself some theramals if you don't already have some, they work very well.

Laurie, it sounds like she is in the fridge, no need to put her on top.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 15, 2018, 05:21:09 PM
Holy smokes. We stood in line outside in the cold wind for three hours to get through airport style security before we could get on the boat to Liberty Island. Finally started motoring out there at 2pm.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/2feae0556838716a167962077ff8d61f.jpg)

We definitely qualified as "huddled masses" as we toured the island in the cold.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/3c8f0106e51edd2eac8e45b38941bb4a.jpg)

Then on to Ellis Island. We found the names of three of Sue's relatives on the wall of fame, and toured the old immigration building. It was a huge operation in its day.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/224cfc4d513bb3a1f6a92d4a2d40e395.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/5c3bd2623fc122294a7652e6c361d2b9.jpg)

And I said, hey, why not?:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/e7d6db3257bc89e94972dd33b24072b6.jpg)

At 5pm they kicked us out and we road the boat back to Battery Park.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/1f8df79623e17e624d6e29f69bb39878.jpg)

A selfie in front of the terminal for the Staten Island Ferry, and back to the hotel.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/b8bd831b6c0e355db13c9ae41f652d0f.jpg)

Obviously that stuff ate up the entire day. No more touring tonight. Now we're trying to decide where to have dinner. It needs to be cheaper than the $103 meal we had last night, but not as cheap as the Taco Bell that Sue wants.

Last night was at a cool old inn called Fraunces Tavern. Built in 1762, it's where George Washington said goodbye to his troops. Good food but small portions, and not worth that much green. But I'm cheap.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/40783513f41314c9455f693544ae27a0.jpg)

Warming up with hot chocolate, then into the cold hard world for dinner. Then back to the hotel early to get plenty of sleep so I can impress the last two interviewers tomorrow starting at 9am.

Oh, I had planned to get breath mints for tomorrow, and when I saw this I couldn't resist:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/e66eac1e2ce81b63240db58293427789.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 15, 2018, 09:47:28 PM
Sounds like you ladies are having a great time!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 15, 2018, 11:50:28 PM
We've been doing a little sight seeing here too. Tonight it was the Texas Roadhouse in The Villages.  It happened...

(https://i.imgur.com/6bpB9MR.jpg)

Left to right: My long time friend Becky, Myself, And Cassie.

A good time was had by all.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 16, 2018, 05:39:15 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 15, 2018, 11:50:28 PM
We've been doing a little sight seeing here too. Tonight it was the Texas Roadhouse in The Villages.  It happened...

(https://i.imgur.com/6bpB9MR.jpg)

Left to right: My long time friend Becky, Myself, And Cassie.

A good time was had by all.

Hugs,
  Laurie

As I wrote Cassie: Dang dang dang dang! I wish I'd been there!!!

Especially 'cause it's warm there.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on March 16, 2018, 10:26:20 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 16, 2018, 05:39:15 AM
As I wrote Cassie: Dang dang dang dang! I wish I'd been there!!!

No you don't. You're exactly where you need to be right now!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 16, 2018, 10:51:47 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on March 16, 2018, 10:26:20 AM
No you don't. You're exactly where you need to be right now!

Ok, you're right as always. Instead, I wish YOU were HERE!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 16, 2018, 11:38:25 AM
You all look great!  All of you! 

Cassie: Steph just wants to borrow your coat. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 16, 2018, 01:48:20 PM
We're in one of the nerdiest places in the universe: the Hayden Planetarium! Thought we'd drop in on old buddy Neil Degrasse Tyson. He says hi.

"Would you ladies like your picture taken?"

"Yes please! (Squeeeeee!)"

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180316/c2dfd93a312c3c5ea2ae42dc91877406.jpg)

Stephanie and the Dragon Lady
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on March 16, 2018, 01:50:57 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 16, 2018, 01:48:20 PM
We're in one of the neediest places I. The universe: the Hayden Planetarium! Thought we'd drop in on old buddy Neil Degrasse Tyson. He says hi.

"Would you ladies like your picture taken?"

"Yes please! (Squeeeeee!)"

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180316/c2dfd93a312c3c5ea2ae42dc91877406.jpg)

Stephanie and the Dragon Lady

Kewl and outta this World - Kinda :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 16, 2018, 04:44:23 PM
You visited an exhibit on astrophysics so I'll mention one of Stephen Hawking's quotes.  He was an incredibly intelligent person and said "Women. They are a complete mystery to me."
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 16, 2018, 04:45:00 PM
You must have been seeing stars!! ......literally!  ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 16, 2018, 05:08:58 PM
Quote from: Sarah_P on March 16, 2018, 04:45:00 PM
You must have been seeing stars!! ......literally!  ;D

It was pretty cool! Then we went Under the Sea [emoji445]

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180316/4c1b6bb95d2afe5f4cb20e830d3b1fd6.jpg)

Saw this on the way for a slice:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180316/83e144dae82dc1207d7f967d659adf8b.jpg)

I've heard of bending notes, but this is ridiculous. I'll bet Kendra could play it, though.

Pizza night at My Pie on 72nd Street!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180316/1fc8bd68fd00f91dff1e7c0a88df6d71.jpg)

Getting used to the big fruit! The cold, not so much.

Stephanie & Dragon Lady
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on March 16, 2018, 06:35:18 PM
I'm so glad you are enjoying your trip there! I love visiting Manhattan and the New York area, and hope to be back there again, soon.  (I have family in Brooklyn that I am past due to visit.)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 16, 2018, 06:50:44 PM
Another silent squeeee moment as we got ready to leave the museum. I visited the ladies room, and a lady came out of one of the stalls and warned me that it was a bit of a mess. No question of whether I belonged there.

Ok, I'm kinda getting used to that now. But much better: a lady walked by me while I was washing my hands and fixing my hair. Another lady came out of the end stall and warned her that the latch didn't work. The first lady said, "That's ok. There are no men in here."

Sue wondered why I was grinning so big as I met her in the hall...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 16, 2018, 07:30:38 PM
Just a quick overview of my appointments this morning. I'll post details over in the appropriate thread.

I met with someone they called a "social worker" but it said "Psychology" on her office door, and felt like a rehash of my appointment with the psychiatrist on Wednesday. A lot of the same questions regarding my goals and reasoning behind it. There were a lot more details though, about insurance, aftercare, time scales, etc. Also questions about whether I knew what to expect in terms of the general invasiveness of the procedure, realistic expectations regarding pain, dilation, how long I have to stay in the area, followup appointments, and so on.

I signed the HIPAA paperwork and named who would be helping with care afterward.  We ended the interview with smiles and a selfie. Here's Ida Hammer and me:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180317/f95441f405d1be30ddfa84f0138acdc1.jpg)

The next appointment was in two hours, so we went to Cafe Grumpy in Chelsea, which had been recommended by a friend, for hot drinks and a nosh.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180319/3198f4c72420f4f0b32d38922a6d85b5.jpg)

Next up, a meeting with the medical professional, Zil Goldstein. We covered hair removal, preparation, details of the peritoneal procedure, aftercare, and dilation. Again we finished the meeting with smiles and a picture.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180317/ab54b553282df7db761a89e42d7e36a7.jpg)

After they drew some blood we were on our way. Next up, the three I met with will consult and make a recommendation to Dr. Ting's office. I have no doubt I'll get a good report. Then they'll call me to set an appointment with Dr. Ting. I was told to not expect an appointment until September, and little possibility of surgery until early or middle 2019. Sigh.

Overall a very positive morning. I just wish I didn't have to wait over a year for the surgery. We'll see, I guess.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 16, 2018, 07:38:45 PM
Quote from: Kendra on March 15, 2018, 09:28:41 AMAs for the wind messing with your hairline, there's 2 or 3 Target stores on Manhattan - drop by and get a nice grey snow hat to go with that coat.

Got a hat from a street vendor!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180317/c47a38c7ea0736cb36ecccb3b384e540.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 16, 2018, 11:47:24 PM
Yaaayyyy!  And no icicles yet.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on March 18, 2018, 01:49:00 AM
Wow Steph what an exciting day seeing all those people. It is a surreal feeling discussing all this in such matter of fact terms...but so affirming. I am sure with your great outlook they will see you as the NO1 candidate.....I never thought 2018 would get her either and now I am 8 months away....your time will fly and suddenly you will feel as though its rushing along.

Take care

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on March 18, 2018, 06:38:29 AM
Quote from: Kendra on March 16, 2018, 11:47:24 PM
Yaaayyyy!  And no icicles yet.
You haven't lived until you have had snotcicles.  ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on March 18, 2018, 06:55:13 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 18, 2018, 06:38:29 AM
You haven't lived until you have had snotcicles.  ;D
Oh oh oh!!!! I had some of those a few weeks ago in -20degree C temps (-4F). What a strange sensation that was!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on March 18, 2018, 07:17:58 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 18, 2018, 06:38:29 AM
You haven't lived until you have had snotcicles.  ;D

mmm, not much for flavor though. You have to dip them in syrup.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on March 18, 2018, 12:55:17 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 18, 2018, 06:38:29 AM
You haven't lived until you have had snotcicles.  ;D


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9H_cI_WCnE
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 18, 2018, 11:28:29 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 18, 2018, 06:38:29 AM
You haven't lived until you have had snotcicles.  ;D

@ KathyLauren:  When I have gone outside in super cold weather... like -20 F  to -35 F or so... my eyes freeze open, nose is frozen and ready to form snotcicles, and in my old male mode I wouldn't have dared relieving myself next to a tree outside. ....  a frozen stream for sure; ... and in female mode, I might just wet my pants instead of freezing my butt.

Oh, by the way, my spell checker does not like how we spelled "snotcicles" .....  what do we do now?
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 18, 2018, 11:46:55 PM
Just a few comments before I collapse into my own bed:

One, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the classy comments all you ladies make in my thread. Snotcicles. Sheesh. [emoji849] (Actually, one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes comics has Calvin commenting "Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?")

Two, we made it back home last night after a cold, but completely successful trip to NYC. I'll update my travelogue after...

Three, a certain lorry containing a certain driver is expected on my property tomorrow. I am well-armed, and intend to use those arms to hug the stuffing out of said intruder.

Four, Sue, Cassie, new friend Luna, and I tried one of those locked-room mystery thingies today. We were spectacularly unsuccessful, but it was fun!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180319/4ca3b8a93168484b46a431774f6cb23a.jpg)

That sign that Cassie's holding... not. My sign was accurate, as were our "loser" signs.

More later. Thanks everyone for your fun comments!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on March 19, 2018, 12:30:32 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 18, 2018, 11:46:55 PM
Just a few comments before I collapse into my own bed:

One, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the classy comments all you ladies make in my thread. Snotcicles. Sheesh. [emoji849] (Actually, one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes comics has Calvin commenting "Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?")

Two, we made it back home last night after a cold, but completely successful trip to NYC. I'll update my travelogue after...

Three, a certain lorry containing a certain driver is expected on my property tomorrow. I am well-armed, and intend to use those arms to hug the stuffing out of said intruder.

Four, Sue, Cassie, new friend Luna, and I tried one of those locked-room mystery thingies today. We were spectacularly unsuccessful, but it was fun!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180319/4ca3b8a93168484b46a431774f6cb23a.jpg)

That sign that Cassie's holding... not. My sign was accurate, as were our "loser" signs.

More later. Thanks everyone for your fun comments!

Stephanie

Really?  That "L" sign is for loser(s), I thought it was for Lesbian(s).  Well, I never :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on March 19, 2018, 05:37:38 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 18, 2018, 11:46:55 PM
Just a few comments before I collapse into my own bed:

Three, a certain lorry containing a certain driver is expected on my property tomorrow. I am well-armed, and intend to use those arms to hug the stuffing out of said intruder.

Sorry I won't be able to join you for that, so please deliver one extra-special hug for me, okay? I have to save my days off for the upcoming road trips. On top of that, being that it's Spring Break, it seems like everybody with kids is going to be some form of "out" this week.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 18, 2018, 11:46:55 PM
Four, Sue, Cassie, new friend Luna, and I tried one of those locked-room mystery thingies today. We were spectacularly unsuccessful, but it was fun!
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180319/4ca3b8a93168484b46a431774f6cb23a.jpg)

That sign that Cassie's holding... not. My sign was accurate, as were our "loser" signs.

Umm, if you look a bit more closely at the sign you're holding, you'll notice that, in small print at the bottom, your sign says, "Yes we did...".

Speaking of which, if you'll recall, I had the door to that second room open in the first 15 minutes we were in there! Apparently, the whole thing is procedurally-oriented rather than focused on results! It was almost like being back in school and faced with a relatively easy math problem but having to plod through it under the directive of "Show your work".

I mean, seriously, if they really wanted that door to stay shut, they should have used a latch that can resist a pair of postcards shoved into the gap.

Still, it was a fun time and I don't think we did half-bad, considering the fact that none of us had ever done one of those before. You know, they have a scenario called "Cat Burglar". Maybe that's a bit more my speed. ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 19, 2018, 07:55:19 AM
Quote from: ElizabethK on March 18, 2018, 01:49:00 AM
Wow Steph what an exciting day seeing all those people. It is a surreal feeling discussing all this in such matter of fact terms...but so affirming. I am sure with your great outlook they will see you as the NO1 candidate.....I never thought 2018 would get her either and now I am 8 months away....your time will fly and suddenly you will feel as though its rushing along.

Thanks Liz,

You're right, it all seems to be moving so slowly right now, with so much left to do. But I have to keep reminding myself that it was just over a year ago when I started minoxidil and bought herbals to try to self-medicate. I must have unconsciously made my decision even back that far, and it seems like an eyeblink now.

I just reread and actually thought about the recommendation letter that Dr. Berk wrote for me. I hardly recognize the stable, articulate woman she writes about, considering the ups and downs that I've had, and the difficulty putting things into words I sometimes encounter when things are bleak. And the constant correct gendering and underlying unquestioned assumption of femaleness are so affirming and empowering. The two simple words "excellent candidate" when referring to GCS almost had me in tears.

My constant worry now is whether our hateful government will arrange things in the next nine months so I won't have insurance coverage for the procedure in 2019. I made sure that all three people I talked to understood that it was a serious concern and was driving my desire to get it done this year. Of course, all they could do was shrug, but at least they know about my urgency in that regard. There are two things possibly in my favor: I was told that they're bringing on some additional surgeons in early summer, which may help alleviate some of the backlog. Also, I let them know that, being self-employed, my schedule is very flexible, and I can be available very quickly in the case of a cancellation.

In the meantime, I'll be seeing my electrocutioner tomorrow and will be discussing getting started on hair removal "down below." Despite what I've read, there's very little difference in that requirement compared to the other GCS methods. Oh joy.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 19, 2018, 07:59:48 AM
Quote from: Cassi on March 19, 2018, 12:30:32 AM
Really?  That "L" sign is for loser(s), I thought it was for Lesbian(s).

Well, if the shoe fits...

Quote
Well, I never :)

Never? Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 19, 2018, 08:13:51 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on March 19, 2018, 05:37:38 AM
Umm, if you look a bit more closely at the sign you're holding, you'll notice that, in small print at the bottom, your sign says, "Yes we did...".

I wondered about that.

"It's simply contradiction."

"No it isn't..."

QuoteI mean, seriously, if they really wanted that door to stay shut, they should have used a latch that can resist a pair of postcards shoved into the gap.

Yes, a simple latch, an outswing door, and stiff postcards... What did they expect?

QuoteStill, it was a fun time and I don't think we did half-bad, considering the fact that none of us had ever done one of those before. You know, they have a scenario called "Cat Burglar". Maybe that's a bit more my speed. ;)

Perfect! Paging the Perfectly Sane Cat Lady!

Stephanie (the Crazy Dog Lady)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 19, 2018, 09:26:47 AM
So I re-read your NYC trip and it's interesting how gender rarely came up on a trip that was all about gender surgery.  In an unfamiliar place, and yet you are becoming increasingly comfortable with the new normal as yourself.  Damn right.  Ya got a problem with dat?  Didn't think so.  You own it.  ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on March 19, 2018, 02:02:21 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 19, 2018, 07:59:48 AM
Well, if the shoe fits...

Never? Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

Stephanie

LOL.  Well, one of these days I'll have an "L" relationship.  Wife #2 was rather demanding and instructional on what made her happy and it seemed to work on #3, lol.  So, we'll see :)

BTW, does your frig make Martinis?  If so,I'll have one dry, shaken, not stirred :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 19, 2018, 04:08:34 PM
I'd like to do one of those escape rooms some day, they seem like fun. I've seen tons of variations, including zombie escape & Legend of Zelda.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 04:43:56 PM
Hi Friends,

I can't believe it's been 11 days since my last post here on my own thread. So much has happened in the meantime.

I'll start out with links to an incident that I posted in a different thread, that really knocked me flat for quite a long time.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235672.msg2112270.html#msg2112270 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235672.msg2112270.html#msg2112270)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235672.msg2112687.html#msg2112687 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235672.msg2112687.html#msg2112687)

I'm mostly recovered, but it seriously hurt for a long time. Read on for the continuing adventures that pulled me out of that hole...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 04:54:27 PM
Somewhere in the last eleven days (I can't remember too clearly since I had oxygen starvation in the rarified air above the fridge) I had a visit from the driver of a certain lorry:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234629.msg2110763.html#msg2110763 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234629.msg2110763.html#msg2110763)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234629.msg2111100.html#msg2111100 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234629.msg2111100.html#msg2111100)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234629.msg2111214.html#msg2111214 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234629.msg2111214.html#msg2111214)

Despite the dire warnings, I discovered that Ms. Laurie is (as they say about Earth in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) mostly harmless.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 08:28:11 PM
The Daughter of All Road Trips, Part 1

Not one to let a certain lorry driver outclass me, I decided to make some of my own road trip memories. I'd purchased a camping trailer from my sister in Michigan, and had to fetch it home before the big Sun-N-Fun fly-in here in Florida coming up in a week. My BFF Cassie volunteered to co-drive, so we loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly headed to Michigan.

Cassie has an innate talent for naming things, and considering that my truck is a Ford F-250 diesel, it had to be something big. After discarding other candidates she came up with Colossus. I realized the source of the name and completed it with the obvious, and it became The Colossus of Roads. Off we went, at 10pm Friday, March 23rd. straight up I-75 from Florida to Michigan.

We'd decided that, since the truck was easy to drive with nothing behind it, we'd cruise straight through, swapping pilots as necessary. I'd contacted friends who live along the I-75 corridor, and found that we'd be in the vicinity of one of them right at breakfast time. Remember my friends who took me to Disney back when I was first getting started? That was them. We met up with T, L, and their son W at a restaurant just south of Knoxville, Tennessee. They, of course, were familiar with my modernized persona, so it was a joyful reunion.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/8fe7c8df78f27ccd6e2778795fd7d539.jpg)

Even the bear outside gave me a fist bump.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/fca8e6e6aa4333a5c0c6e802194cb08d.jpg)

Back on the road, and to my sister's house northwest of Detroit. We arrived about 10pm on the 24th. My sister has been awesomely supportive, along with her husband, but they hadn't actually met me face-to-face yet, and they warmly welcomed their new sister into their home.

Stand by for Part Deux!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 08:37:36 PM
The Daughter of All Road Trips, Part Duex

The next day was a bit lazy. I cooked my famous breakfast burritos for everyone, minus the tortillas, since they had none. Then we went to the storage yard and towed the trailer to their house, and just like New York, it was ridiculously cold.

Then we did one of the coolest things ever: We went clothes shopping with my sister. The original goal was to get a warmer jacket for Cassie at Kohl's, but I'd had my eye on a dress there for a while. Thinking it wouldn't be a good fit, I had never tried it on, but Cassie and my sister talked me into it. While I freely acknowledge that it shouldn't have been, it was still a very scary thing to open that dressing room door and let my sister see me in that dress. But there was no drama. She and Cassie looked it over, my sister showed how it would have be be modified to fit the shoulders better, and in the end we all decided it just wasn't a good style for me. But how cool was it to just go on a girls shopping trip with my own sister?

After we got back to their house we headed out to dinner at an awesome restaurant that used to be a train station. The passing trains shook the whole building. Excellent food and company.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/41a697c26c05b7d68f970acddc0a1384.jpg)

When we got back from dinner my niece stopped by, and again there was no drama. As we sat around the kitchen table I offered to do an "Ask Me Anything" session. I wanted to make sure everyone had any and all questions answered. And every one of them said they had no questions. I was who I was, and part of the family as always, and they all accepted and loved me as such, as long as I was happy.

And I am.

Coming up, Part C!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 08:44:17 PM
The Daughter of All Road Trips, Part C1

The next morning Cassie and I left early and relaxed in a local StarSchmucks while we talked over the problems I was still having from that misgendering incident last week. No real resolution other than giving it time and letting newer positive experiences dilute it. We realized suddenly that we were late for my next appointment, and we steered the Colossus on a westbound heading.

I had arranged to meet up with some previous coworkers from my last real job, when I was IT director for a food company. I had been in touch with my closest friend there, and she knew my whole situation. I'd given her the ok to tell whomever she wanted to, and invite anyone who wanted to come to meet us for lunch. We met up in a local bar, and it was so amazing how cool everyone was. You may or may not remember a previous post I'd made about my going-away luncheon when I'd left the company; how it was all women from the sales, accounting, and marketing departments, and how comfortable I'd felt in that situation. Well, here we were again. Five of the women who'd seen me off 16 years ago welcomed me back, this time as I'd wished I'd been back then. There were of course a few misgendering accidents, quickly apologized for, and with no repercussions.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/50ad58d6d4e77d51a14d546ba77bcd51.jpg)

When the rest of them had to go back to work, "E", the woman who used to work for me (who had the day off) hung out with Cassie and me until late in the afternoon. When I'd left the company we hadn't been on the best of terms, mostly because of my inexperience with management, even after seven years, and my propensity for unrealistic expectations. I apologized for that, and we let that water flow under the bridge. Then with much sharing I learned about a pretty cool lady who I'd never gotten to know in all the time we'd worked together. I've since become Facebook friends with her. All of us shared some deeply meaningful things with each other, and made what I believe will be lasting connections.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/60dd31b6d4a520fa86c9836e1bcf2339.jpg)

But wait, there's more! Sit by for Part C2!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 09:08:02 PM
The Daughter of All Road Trips, Part C2

The day wasn't over yet. I had been in touch with the few people who I'd hung out with in school and for a while afterwards, and we ended up setting up a get-together at one of their houses. Our host, J, has a very liberal and laid-back outlook on life, and Cassie and I were immediately welcomed, correctly named, and never misgendered by him.

Next to arrive was NM, who I'd considered to be the first and only friend who'd openly shown respect for me. He and I had bought identical ultralights back in 1984, and while I went on to where you know me to be now, he let it drop after a while and went on to other things.

Next knock on the door, TM. He'd usually been the driver in his Montego when the group went somewhere in the old days. I'd hired him as a minion about a year before I left my last job, and he now has the position I used to hold as Director of IT. I was a little anxious about him, not for my sake, but because he has extreme right-wing political views, diametrically opposite from J. As it turned out, the power of our old memories and the fun we had later outweighed political considerations, and they weren't even hinted at.

Lastly, R arrived. She was one of the few female members of the group, and I'd always felt close to her, despite the shell I wore. I'd had to make sure she was invited.

J prepared a great meal for us, and wine and beer flowed freely. At one point I sat at the end of the table and watched the interactions among these people who I'd known so well 45 years ago, and who I was now seeing through older - and female - eyes. And they were seeing me through both the lenses of memories, and as the person I'd become - and they accepted and welcomed me back to the group. When there was a lull in the conversation I told them, almost in a whisper, and with misty eyes, "It's so good to see you all again." They all agreed.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/ddc22d29620fa6826b51aa4f3323bbbc.jpg)

My wife had also been a part of the group, so we had a FaceTime conversation with her so she could see how everyone was doing.

J is quite an accomplished musician, though he continually denied it while wowing us all. TM was in the choir in school, and I'd always wanted to sing harmony with him, but was always too shy to let my voice out. But not that night. I finally fulfilled a long-deferred dream and let it ring. And it was awesome. TM was stunned by the music we were making, and it felt so good to finally join in. He complimented me profusely, and I was so happy - not least because I could sing the female harmonies convincingly. All that practice in the car by myself paid off. Cassie says she videoed a lot of it. I can't wait to see how it really sounded.

TM and I getting ready to make musical magic:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/660f0e47f65fbbbe057ad40c49de2837.jpg)

One by one everyone had to go, and there were hugs and best wishes all around. It's a shame I now live so far away. I'd love to be able to sing with them again.

As we left around midnight and navigated the Colossus on the half-hour voyage back to my sister's house, Cassie let me know (possibly due to all the beer in the afternoon, followed by wine in the evening) that she really wanted to get something from Taco Hell. Note to self: Do Not attempt to eat a crunchy taco while piloting a Colossus. I swear there was an explosive charge in that taco, because it ended up all over the conning tower. I think the Russians were working in that Taco Hell and were attempting to sink us.

So endeth Part C2. Upcoming: Part IV
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 09:58:03 PM
The Daughter of All Road Trips, Part IV

And then it was Tuesday, March 27th, and time to go home. Today Cassie wowed us at breakfast with another of her Culinary Curiosities. After a breakfast that couldn't be beat, we piloted the Colossus to the nearest fueling barge, then returned to hook up the trailer, which at this point hadn't yet been named. Cassie needs some time to learn someone's personality before applying a moniker, and we hadn't gotten to know the evil b*tch well enough yet. But I get ahead of myself.

After goodbyes and heartfelt thanks to my family, we ruddered the Colossus on a southbound heading toward the Ohio border. The as-yet unnamed trailer dutifully followed behind us, and we made good time, despite heading into continuous drizzle. I'd been contacted by another dear friend who lived quite a way from our course line, but wanted to meet up anyway. We made arrangements to meet at a Cracker Barrel in Lima, Ohio (it's Lye-ma, not Lee-ma, dangit! And while I'm at it, Milan, Michigan is MY-lan, not Mill-ON, and Saline, Michigan is Sah-LEEN, not SALE-een. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah...). D is the very first person I'd come out to, at the Oshkosh Fly-in last year. He's one of the people I trust most in this world, falling right in there with my wife and Cassie and a few of you here on Susan's. It was so good to see him again, even though it'd been not that long ago when he'd traveled all the way to Florida to attend my New Years/New Life party. Except for @Kendra, he'd come the furthest just to see me.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/1892a01468be793eb61057eb3ea37eb3.jpg)

After eating meatloaf comfort food at Cracker Barrel, we had to get back on the road. Hugs all around, and it was atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed, and we again launched southward on I-75. On and on the Colossus droned, until it was time to quit for the night. Strange as it sounds, most Wally Worlds welcome overnight campers in their parking lot. Since there was a little house following us, we decided we might as well take advantage of it and get a decent night's sleep. We rolled into the Walmart's in Jacksboro, Tennessee, and set up camp for the night.

Next at bat: Part 25^-2
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 30, 2018, 10:50:48 PM
So many road trips!! I wanna travel again!!

It looks like you all had / are having an amazing time!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 11:13:23 PM
The Daughter of All Road Trips, Part 25^-2
or The Rage of Christine

Next morning we justified our parking by shopping in thet there Walmart's, then had breakfast at the MAC-donalds. Cassie was so excited over the big city ambie-ants, she just had to get in a pitcher.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/acbcfefafc6337c930ae8acecd408a04.jpg)

Once again into the breech. Off we went. Somewhere down the road a piece, we decided to switch drivers at a rest area. And the true nature of that creature that had been following us began to become known. When Cassie engaged impulse drive, we found that the electric trailer brakes weren't working. This had happened once before, and reseating the trailer plug at the truck had fixed it. This time no dice. Nothing we did (on the side of the road) fixed it. We didn't have decent tools, or even a multimeter (yeah, note to self for next time...) so in-depth troubleshooting was off the table. Since I had more experience with trailering, I took over again, and determined that as light as the trailer was, the truck brakes would be adequate. OK, rolling on...

At Cassie's suggestion we went looking for a Zaxby's for lunch, and found one in Acworth, Georgia. We relaxed and had a decent lunch, and prepared to relaunch. And now that beast started getting vengeful. We walked around the building, and there before our horrified eyes, was the left front tire of the trailer, flat as a flounder. The valve stem was split wide open.

Ok, we've got a spare. Roll the good tire up on some blocks to get the bad one off the ground (tandem axles). Swap out the tires using the lug wrench from the truck, then use my itty bitty Harbor Fright compressor to get the pressure in the spare from 10 to 35 psi, which took a few minutes short of forever. We were right in front of the drive-through, and car after car went by, with no offers to help the ladies change the tire. That's all right. We put on our bandannas, rolled up our sleeves, and said We Can Do It, and did. Didn't even get that upset. Certainly not the raging apoplexy I would have flown into in the bad old days. We got enough pressure to let the trailer down and get to a station where we could get the pressure where it needed to be, and once again we were on the open seas.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/948b607dcdead7dfdf336f58c3d22072.jpg)

Rollin' rollin' rollin'...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/83f1a35f176b7aa98e686640f1d0970e.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/e5c3d481ba89b490f182cf149d849c43.jpg)

We were running pretty late, but were on track for a 4am arrival at home, still early enough that Cassie could get some sleep before having to report to work. About 1am I took over driving, and Cassie checked out. And around 2am, Mephistopheles incarnate behind us cackled horrifically and threw another evil bolt at us. Boom! At 70mph the spare tire we'd used to replace the first flat blew up.

Now we had no spare. The next exit was 3.25 miles down the highway. We limped at 8mph down the shoulder to that exit, found a place to park, and gave up for the night. Cassie texted to say she wouldn't be in to work, and silence descended.

Relax and get some popcorn. The final chapter awaits.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 11:28:54 PM
The Daughter of All Road Trips, The Final Chapter
or We Best the Beast

Next morning: disconnect from the trailer and head to breakfast at one of the few places to eat, an Arby's. It was at this point that Cassie compiled all the facts, correlated information from her names database, and created the moniker for our tormentor. From this moment on, the beast following us would be known as Christine.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/848ec9892a7fe1b67825a4e9d3a3514a.jpg)

A quick lookup for tire repair places, and it was off for the 6.5 mile run to Jasper, Florida to get the valve stem replaced in the original tire. I had been on edge about misgendering, but this morning I was feeling confident for some reason, possibly because of some deeply meaningful conversations we'd had the day before. Cassie asked if I wanted her to handle the transaction, and I told her no, I've got this. And I did.

The first "tire place" we drove to didn't even seem to have an office. Just a fenced-in area with barbed wire on top, piles of tires, and four guys out front who may have had 12 teeth between them. I didn't even slow down. The next place at least had an office, and I grabbed my purse, put on my voice, and marched up to it. Five minutes and eight dollars later we were on our way. It took more time to process the credit card than it did to put a new valve stem in. And there was no strangeness at all from the helpers there. That couldn't help to give the confidence level another boost.

Back to the trailer, hooked it up and rolled it to the paved lot next door, and while Cassie went for a biology break and drink refills, I got the tire mostly changed. We finally got on the road some time around noon. Two hours of driving plus breaks to go.

The Colossus of Roads and Christine.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/bad4361dc28a72d75b403c0230097f60.jpg)

We finally rolled into the driveway about 3pm. Squeeeeealll... pshhhhhhhhhh. And final shutdown.

I'd started this trip with a down attitude, trying to push through the sadness from misgendering, and having no idea how meeting all those people from my past would go. And it ended with renewed friendships, a glow of respect from everyone I'd met, and renewed confidence in my presentation. I'd become much closer to some special people, and learned new things about myself that had only been glimmers before the trip. It's the kind of thing that would be equivalent to immersion training for languages. I guess sometimes you just have to jump in the deep end, even if you don't know if you can swim. I'm sure I'll flounder again some time, but the memories from this adventure will be with me for the rest of my life.

And for my progress I can thank all the good people I know: my wife, my family, my old friends, my previous coworkers, and especially Cassie, who is there for me as I am for her as we work through our own personal Hells on the way to completeness. And finally, everyone here on Susan's who are so encouraging and supportive.

There sure are a lot of people for me to love...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 31, 2018, 12:25:26 AM
For what it's worth, this is what I just posted on my Facebook page for TDOV:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180331/583fd57aca691f5919284fea00cc895b.jpg)

I don't consider myself an activist. Lately I've been posting only everyday life stories and adventures here, with no special emphasis on my transition. But today has been designated "Transgender Day of Visibility." I have changed my profile picture to reflect that. Today, despite the fears most of us harbor, we are making ourselves visible to the world instead of hiding, staying beneath the radar.

The intention, as I understand it, is not to "get in people's faces," hold rallies and marches, and make a lot of noise. It is specifically to show the world that people who are going through the same thing I am are just that: people. We deal with the same stuff that everyone else does, with the added complication of the possibility of rejection and hatred - all based on flawed stereotypes perpetuated by sensationalistic press, politicians pandering to whomever will keep them in office regardless of their prejudices, and organizations with their own agendas that are dependent on catering to the base fears and ignorance of those who pay their bills and keep them in power.

Here's all we ask: Understand that we are human beings. We struggle with something nobody who has gone through this understands - or are even capable of understanding. Let us be. We aren't freaks. We aren't out to hurt anyone. We are out to not be hurt ourselves. We are in much more danger from the rest of the world than it is in danger from us.
Don't know what I'm talking about? Talk to me! I will answer nearly any respectful question, as would just about anyone else in my situation. I have gotten to know many many people who are going through transition, or are non-binary, or are anywhere within the LGBT+ spectrum. I knew very little about any of this before I finally addressed the health issue that had been torturing me my entire life, and without exception every one of them are thoughtful, kind people, who just want to get on with life.

We are your friends, neighbors, business associates. All we really ask is the same respect and peaceful coexistence that every other sane human being on this planet wants. If you've read this far, thank you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on March 31, 2018, 12:54:50 AM
 Wonderful adventures with good friends and all challenges overcome. Good job (S)((te)ph)(a)n(ie) and Cassie. You even triumphed over Christine.

Hugs,
  Laurie

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CP26UahQsLQ
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 31, 2018, 10:03:07 AM
Wow, quite a trip!  And I recognize D from the New Years party at your house - he is awesome. 

Trailer tires and spare tires don't usually get used enough for the tread to wear out - but tires have a shelf life, after about 15 years small cracks can form.  Here's how to determine when they were manufactured (https://www.tirebuyer.com/education/how-to-determine-the-age-of-your-tires#).

Years ago I was riding my Harley late at night, had to swerve to avoid tire parts on a dark highway.  And there was a truck and trailer parked on the shoulder - someone waving, hoping I would stop.  I did and it was four guys who were frankly quite drunk, all of them obviously too wasted to be driving.  Trailer with a flat tire - one of them asked "do you umm have an tire jack?" holding onto corner of the trailer so he wouldn't fall over.  Um, no I'm riding a motorcycle.
They asked if I could call for help in the next town (this was 1995, mobile phone service wasn't available on back roads in the middle of nowhere).  Theirs was a tandem trailer, no jack necessary - driving one tire onto a rock or a sore foot would have worked.  And then I realized they had four motorcycles in back, could unload one and ride that into town.  I didn't tell them either fact, figured it was best if they stayed right there to sober up... I headed down the road and enjoyed the Wyoming night sky. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 31, 2018, 10:15:29 AM
Hey Steph:  Thank you for posting your updates about your road trip and your other adventures.... and your pictures documenting your journey... including your transition adventures....  great to read and look at... they are terrific.   ....   
.....and of course all of us can identify with the flat tire issues.  I loved your description about the tire place that you passed by and didn't bother to stop....  "12 teeth among 4 guys there" .....  ha, ha, ha,.... yes, you made the correct decision to just go on by.

Thank you for posting... please keep your updates coming.... and pictures too !!!
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 31, 2018, 10:18:14 AM
Quote from: Kendra on March 31, 2018, 10:03:07 AMTheirs was a tandem trailer, no jack necessary - driving one tire onto a rock or a sore foot would have worked.  And then I realized they had four motorcycles in back, could unload one and ride that into town.  I didn't tell them either fact, figured it was best if they stayed right there to sober up... I headed down the road and enjoyed the Wyoming night sky.

That is hilarious! And you did the right thing. I wonder if even sober they figured it out...



- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on March 31, 2018, 11:08:18 AM
So good to read your updates on your latest adventure!   ;D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on March 31, 2018, 12:54:32 PM
Truly an adventure worthy of the bards of old!

Worst trailer mishap I've had was on the way back from a convention. We were driving a mini van with a small trailer hanging off the back (think the smallest one U-haul has). We were just a bit north of Raleigh NC (or was it Durham? Whichever one is to the west) when I suddenly had to brake & swerve onto the shoulder because there was a huge torn up truck tire in the middle of the lane. Traffic was heavy enough that I didn't see it until the people in front of me quickly swerved over. My sudden braking caused the idiot behind me to slam into the back of the trailer, pushing the entire assembly into & under the van.
Thankfully this happened right in front of a rest stop, so we were able to call for assistance (we didn't have cell phones then, 1999 I think?).  We were stuck in Raleigh for a few days getting it repaired.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on March 31, 2018, 02:23:02 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 31, 2018, 10:18:14 AM
That is hilarious! And you did the right thing. I wonder if even sober they figured it out...

- Stephanie

I haven't been on that road since, but if they are still parked there 23 years later I guarantee they won't recognize me. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on March 31, 2018, 03:06:43 PM
That was quite an adventure, Steph. Thanks for sharing. And I second that you made a wise choice avoiding the 12 teeth among 4 guys tyre place.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on March 31, 2018, 08:42:39 PM
Wow Steph you have been a very busy girl since my last visit. There is so much there to comment on I don't know where to start!! Thanks for sharing all of it.

I love you post for TDOV and I hope it makes the difference with those whom you need it too. Just being out there and being you is testament to how far you have come in such a relativel short period of time.

Take care

liz

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on March 31, 2018, 09:25:21 PM
Quote from: ElizabethK on March 31, 2018, 08:42:39 PM
Wow Steph you have been a very busy girl since my last visit. There is so much there to comment on I don't know where to start!! Thanks for sharing all of it.

I love you post for TDOV and I hope it makes the difference with those whom you need it too. Just being out there and being you is testament to how far you have come in such a relativel short period of time.

Take care

liz

Thank you Liz! I was surprised that my TDoV post on Facebook has already given dividends. A high school classmate has contacted me about one of her former students who is transitioning FtM. She asked if he could call me if needed. I of course agreed, and also sent links to Susan's. She was very appreciative. We'll see if I ever hear from her student.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on April 01, 2018, 08:39:36 AM
Nice to be thought of though...I have a friend who is a counsellor and has a FTM in one of her groups. She has on occasions picked my brain about things such as etiquette. Glad your post is having such a positive effect
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 02, 2018, 05:20:40 AM
That trip was truly an epic adventure.

I was honored to be present in so many moments that made such a difference in Steph's journey of womanhood. I got to meet many of the folks from her memories she had shared with me - people whom had before only been faces in pictures or stories shared in many of our conversations. I saw old friendships rekindled and some new ones blossom, since the removal of the cause for so much pain over the years.

All of the uncertainties about the folks we were going to see turned into happy reunions with her just being...herself.

Stephanie and I learned so much about ourselves and each other as the miles ticked slowly by. From rest stop to truck stop, through rain, sleet and snow, we drove on down those lonely highways. We battled fatigue, faced the past, slew ancient demons, met old friends, and made some new ones. We laughed, we cried, we held each other close when times seemed at their darkest. We stood together in the face of adversity, spat right in its eye, and not for one second did we let any hardship get the better of us.

My words cannot even begin to do justice to the level of growth we experienced on this journey, however. A lot of it, I know we are both trying to still process but the overall result had each of us reaching deep within ourselves to bring out the best parts of our souls to finally share with the world. Today, we resume our lives as before but with a new-found serenity that may, in some small part, make our world a better place to live in.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 02, 2018, 02:03:22 PM
Yesterday I had planned to have family over for an untraditional Easter dinner. My mom, her hubby, and newest family member Cassie were lined up to enjoy our world neighborhood household-famous steak kabobs. Health issues prevented the mothership and big guy from attending, so we invited a neighbor to join us.

This made me a little nervous, because I'd already decided I wanted to do something that had been my dream for what seemed like my entire life: enjoy a warm lazy day on the back porch surrounded by loving people, while wearing a pretty sundress. I almost changed my mind, but finally decided this was my home and my life. And it was fine.

I felt like I passed another milestone, as meaningless as it may seem to others. After my neighbor left, I spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing with my two favorite people in the world. The event called for pictures (or it didn't happen), so here you are:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/21b14392e448dacbdf9a19dde856a523.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/3d626b8f0d23d6b68c81591b1b611207.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/b7f666b1bb0ff0884275c36e7b186eae.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/c33655c76afa965312eb6e33715f4398.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/8a8fda36ca59ee51e296d21903f3c699.jpg)

Except for worries about mom, it was a wonderful day...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on April 02, 2018, 02:07:59 PM
Nice!!!! BTW, I think the bottom picture with you smiling is probably the best one I have seen of you!  Should be cropped and be your avatar pic!!!!!

Awesome!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 02, 2018, 02:08:48 PM
Quote from: Cassi on April 02, 2018, 02:07:59 PM
Nice!!!! BTW, I think the bottom picture with you smiling is probably the best one I have seen of you!  Should be cropped and be your avatar pic!!!!!

Awesome!

Was actually considering that. GMTA!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cassi on April 02, 2018, 02:11:04 PM
 :icon_clap:
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 02, 2018, 02:53:36 PM
Quote from: Cassi on April 02, 2018, 02:07:59 PM
Nice!!!! BTW, I think the bottom picture with you smiling is probably the best one I have seen of you!  Should be cropped and be your avatar pic!!!!!

The camera was hanging from a tree and responds to both hand gestures and voice commands. It wouldn't stop taking pictures as we approached, and by the time we got to it to shut it off, we were both cackling hysterically.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/su0iyfjti7thsz8/stop1.jpg)(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/khnl3un16wutne5/stop2.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 02, 2018, 03:16:41 PM
Great pics, Steph!  The first one, you in the sundress, is amazing: you are so curvy!!  Hubba-hubba!

Sounds like an awesome day!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on April 02, 2018, 03:33:06 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 02, 2018, 02:03:22 PM
>
This made me a little nervous, because I'd already decided I wanted to do something that had been my dream for what seemed like my entire life: enjoy a warm lazy day on the back porch surrounded by loving people, while wearing a pretty sundress. I almost changed my mind, but finally decided this was my home and my life. And it was fine.

It's no longer just a dream.  You are living it. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 02, 2018, 04:52:53 PM
Lovely day with three lovely ladies. You all are looking good.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 02, 2018, 04:56:43 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 02, 2018, 03:16:41 PM
Great pics, Steph!  The first one, you in the sundress, is amazing: you are so curvy!!  Hubba-hubba!

With just the right clothes and just the right angle...

Surprised me, too.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on April 02, 2018, 05:13:35 PM
Looks like you all had fun! Wish it would warm up here so I can finally wear my sundresses!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on April 02, 2018, 05:19:12 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 02, 2018, 02:03:22 PM
Yesterday I had planned to have family over for an untraditional Easter dinner. My mom, her hubby, and newest family member Cassie were lined up to enjoy our world neighborhood household-famous steak kabobs. Health issues prevented the mothership and big guy from attending, so we invited a neighbor to join us.

This made me a little nervous, because I'd already decided I wanted to do something that had been my dream for what seemed like my entire life: enjoy a warm lazy day on the back porch surrounded by loving people, while wearing a pretty sundress. I almost changed my mind, but finally decided this was my home and my life. And it was fine.

I felt like I passed another milestone, as meaningless as it may seem to others. After my neighbor left, I spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing with my two favorite people in the world. The event called for pictures (or it didn't happen), so here you are:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/21b14392e448dacbdf9a19dde856a523.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/3d626b8f0d23d6b68c81591b1b611207.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/b7f666b1bb0ff0884275c36e7b186eae.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/c33655c76afa965312eb6e33715f4398.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180402/8a8fda36ca59ee51e296d21903f3c699.jpg)

Except for worries about mom, it was a wonderful day...


- Stephanie

I was just catching up on your trip and saw these beautiful women! 
So happy for you!

And remember tire shops aren't open on Sundays.
Blew three out on our trailer on one trip to Montana and back.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 02, 2018, 07:15:04 PM
Steph, you look really nice in that dress. That first one is one of your best pictures yet. I hope your mother feels better soon.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on April 02, 2018, 09:24:08 PM
Stephanie, you are looking good girl! If you remember, I tried to talk you into a sundress in Scottsdale but you thought that the 70 degrees felt too frigid to go without artic gear. And now you are loving them and looking great. Keep the magic of that journey going.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 03, 2018, 03:33:30 PM
@ Stephanie: 
As mentioned in the many previous replies, you indeed look really nice in your dress.   Your necklace, sandals and your hair and painted nails look absolutely terrific. 
Definitely, beautiful pictures of a beautiful lady.
Thanks for treating us to your posts and your pictures.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 04, 2018, 12:14:58 AM
Thank you all for the compliments on my Easter outfit. As I'd mentioned, it was a bit of a dream come true for me. But enough about that. There's been so much happening that I may never get it all documented. Instead of telling a story of the past, let me tell you what's coming up...

Most of you know that I was bitten by a radioactive airplane long ago, so have aviation in my DNA. For better than 20 years I've been attending the Sun-N-Fun airshow/gathering/celebration as a tourist, demo pilot, exhibitor, or volunteer. This year, due to changes in my business model, I'm going to volunteer.

There's a separate area with its own runway called Paradise City specifically for light aircraft and ultralights, which has been my home during the shows. It's the place my former self was most familiar and comfortable with, and where I was pretty well-known.

Well, this year, things are obviously different. Some people already know of my transition, while many others will find out at the show.

By sheer coincidence, my neighbor is in charge of all the volunteers for Paradise City. When I visited her home to come out last September, I suggested that maybe I should volunteer at a different part of Sun-N-Fun where I wasn't as well-known to avoid awkwardness. She didn't want to hear it, and after thinking about it, she contacted Paul, the guy leading the newly-formed Media Team, and suggested that I might be a good member of the group. He actively recruited me, and refused to accept any excuses I tried to make for avoiding the team.

The Media Team will not only announce live to the crowd that's watching the planes fly what they're looking at, with technical details and color commentary, but will be roving around with wireless mics to interview pilots, manufacturers reps, and passengers getting rides. There will be prerecorded interviews with exhibitors, and live conversations with onlookers. Some of it will be live-streamed to the Internet, and some will be broadcast live on "Sun-N-Fun Radio."

Great, I thought. I have technical expertise in most fixed-wing light planes, so I can supply Paul with stuff to talk about. I can also apply some of my geekiness to setting up and maintaining the equipment. It'll be fun, and I won't have to be out in front with all the social anxiety issues that triggers for me.

Uhhhh... no. Apparently it's going to be the Paul and Stephanie Show.

The rest of the people on the team are theoretically there to support us and keep us on the air as much as possible. Yikes! I'm not afraid of microphones - especially if I get to talk airplanes. What I'm trying to come to grips with is first, having to out myself to the roughly 75% of Paradise City volunteers and visitors who know the old me, and second, having my voice blasting out of speakers, on live streams and broadcasts, and on recordings.

A side story: Paul was getting matching shirts embroidered for the team members. He asked me what size I wore, and I told him women's large. He texted me back and told me that he couldn't get women's shirts in the same color as the rest of the team's shirts (apparently I'm the only woman on the team) and would I be ok with a men's small instead? I really struggled with that. I didn't want to cause trouble for the team or make my transition a "thing," but my dysphoria is such that I can't imagine wearing anything labeled "men's." In the end I decided to stand my ground and insist on a women's shirt. I could volunteer elsewhere if it was a problem. And Paul immediately backed off, insisting that I was a valued member of the team, and he'd just get me a different color. Here it is:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180404/842a5f7e9df6cfe185160506f1c1784f.jpg)

I'm trying to figure out the voice thing. I need to come up with something soon - the show starts next Tuesday, and volunteers start getting things set up on Thursday.

As for outing myself... well if I'm going to be there at all, people are going to find out anyway. So I might as well own it, and put myself front and center. My goal is to make myself indispensable, and be the most helpful and friendly volunteer working our little world. I've already asked the volunteer boss to not pigeonhole me into the stereotypical "guy jobs" but instead let me work jobs that she'd normally assign to women. She thought it was a good idea.

If I can get through this I think it'll do wonders for my self-confidence. I also feel that maybe in addition to helping myself, it might strike a positive blow for all of us. I'm sure I'll end up answering a lot of questions, so I hope I do well representing us all. Wish me luck!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 04, 2018, 06:52:00 AM
Steph, you are lucky to have people like your neighbour and Paul in your life.  They push us to be our best.

I have a guy like that in my life, too.  I don't see him very often, and in fact I find him a bit intimidating.  But last year, he asked me to do a talk at the annual summer star party.  I contacted him once I had my transition plans in place to tell him that there was going to be a wrinkle in the plans: <deadname> was going to be Kathy by the time of the event.  I offered to step aside, but he wouldn't hear of it.  "Do it," he said, "You'll be fine; you'll enjoy it."  He was right.  I did it; I was fine; and I did enjoy it.  So, apparently, did many in the audience, who sought me out later to comment on it.  And, yes, it was a huge confidence-builder.  I'm doing it again this year.
(https://farm1.staticflickr.com/897/41185202402_ec4c9bbc0b_b.jpg)

So I will pass on that advice to you: Do it; you'll be fine; you'll enjoy it!  And you will be glad you did it!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on April 04, 2018, 12:11:51 PM
Hi Stephanie, you are going to be in your element amongst friends and noisy machines.....you are going to nail it! The woman that I met in Scottsdale loves life and interacting with people too much to let a little thing like showing up to old acquaintances as your true gender. You know that you are just going to love it! Of course, we want stories and pictures.

Kathy, I can't wait to see pictures and hear the stories from your next Star gazers presentation. Your new look is going to wow the audience. Is it going to be recorded for all of us wannabees to see?

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 04, 2018, 02:05:31 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 04, 2018, 06:52:00 AMDo it; you'll be fine; you'll enjoy it!  And you will be glad you did it!

Thank you, Kathy. It was actually your earlier post announcing your talk that prompted me to write about what's coming up for me. You, @michelle_p, @kendra, @denise, and all others who put themselves on the front lines are my inspiration.

As I move through this battlefield of transition, occasionally tumbling head-first into craters, and more and more often climbing ramparts to catch glimpses of a beautiful horizon, I learn more each moment about who I am. I'm realizing a personal philosophy that was unexpected. Courage is a very difficult thing for me to muster, but when I can, the universe seems to accept, and even welcome it. I've found that for me, trans pride doesn't mean waving flags, marching in parades, or attending rallies. It means stepping into that cold, uncaring world every day, with a smile, artificial or authentic, on my face. Accepting with grace and deep appreciation those who welcome me as I truly am, and rejecting without hatred those who cannot. But being out there, regardless.

Stealth was my original goal, but I'm coming to the understanding that the flawed shell I inhabit, and my past, limit that option. It's painful to reach the understanding that I will be always seen as trans, and not be simply known as the woman who I am inside this shell. Those who are able to live strictly as their true selves, without the "trans" prefix, inhabit a plane I'm not likely to ever attain. But the alternatives are unthinkable, so I endeavor to mine the bravery that will allow me to continue on and give what little I have to offer to those I share this space with. Those of you who've gone before pass on the guidance and strength that enable me to move forward. Thank you all so much.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 04, 2018, 02:49:53 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 04, 2018, 02:05:31 PM

As I move through this battlefield of transition, occasionally tumbling head-first into craters, and more and more often climbing ramparts to catch glimpses of a beautiful horizon, I learn more each moment about who I am. I'm realizing a personal philosophy that was unexpected. Courage is a very difficult thing for me to muster, but when I can, the universe seems to accept, and even welcome it. I've found that for me, trans pride doesn't mean waving flags, marching in parades, or attending rallies. It means stepping into that cold, uncaring world every day, with a smile, artificial or authentic, on my face. Accepting with grace and deep appreciation those who welcome me as I truly am, and rejecting without hatred those who cannot. But being out there, regardless.

Stealth was my original goal, but I'm coming to the understanding that the flawed shell I inhabit, and my past, limit that option. It's painful to reach the understanding that I will be always seen as trans, and not be simply known as the woman who I am inside this shell. Those who are able to live strictly as their true selves, without the "trans" prefix, inhabit a plane I'm not likely to ever attain. But the alternatives are unthinkable, so I endeavor to mine the bravery that will allow me to continue on and give what little I have to offer to those I share this space with. Those of you who've gone before pass on the guidance and strength that enable me to move forward. Thank you all so much.

Wow, that was beautifully written!

I'm glad...and more than a little proud that you've come to this point. I think this is where you'll start to get a little more patient with things as they slow down and turn into just regular life. The level of serenity gained will help you become even more comfortable with this (shy and still fairly new) woman named Stephanie.

Just remember, your friends are all here for you, whether you need a smile, a hug, a hand to lift you up or a light to bring you out of darkness.

We love you, Pretty Sister. No tough love. Just love.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 04, 2018, 02:59:48 PM
Well, today I'm living the unexpected that forces bravery to the surface. My mom had a heart attack on Saturday, and here I sit in the waiting room while she has open heart triple bypass surgery. There was no choice but to interact with countless medical professionals, and surprisingly, there have been no issues with me so far. It seems that I'm being accepted as Stephanie - my mom's daughter - as I deal one-on-one with everyone.

The only fly in the ointment is spending this time with Mom's hubby, who constantly (accidentally) deadnames and misgenders me. It really put me on edge. Some of their neighbors visited for a while, and at least half the time it was "Steve" or "he." It wasn't until afterward that I found out that my Mom had already outed me to them, and they were fine with it. We'd had a decent conversation, and I should have gotten a clue when the lady went out of her way to tell me I looked really nice. So I'm weathering the storm, with the biggest anxiety now centered around how Mom's doing.

When I was thrown into this, I leaned heavily on the memory of when @HappyMoni had to attend a funeral as her authentic self, dealing with all those people as her true self for the first time. Though she was scared about it, she dove right into it, and it turned out fine. When the situation demands it, I guess we can all rise to the challenge...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 04, 2018, 04:00:00 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 04, 2018, 02:59:48 PM
When I was thrown into this, I leaned heavily on the memory of when @happymoni had to attend a funeral as her authentic self, dealing with all those people as her true self for the first time. Though she was scared about it, she dove right into it, and it turned out fine. When the situation demands it, I guess we can all rise to the challenge...

This provokes a thought about how we so often get told by others how "brave" or "courageous" we are for making the choice to transition, though the raw truth of the matter is that it is something we can't not do.

That being said, it's striking how much it opens the door for us to face (and conquer) so many of our fears as time goes on that when times come upon us which require us to summon our courage, we have plenty to spare. We've already walked through one fire after another and survived. Ordinary fears pale in comparison - not that they don't exist. Far from it, but our confidence level is so high that we refuse to crumble or turn away.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on April 04, 2018, 04:04:42 PM
Steph I am very sorry to hear your mom had a heart attack, and wish for the best for surgery and recovery.

Interactions that involve misgendering are difficult, but those who gendered you one way for a longer time usually need more time to turn that battleship.  My parents are wrestling with correctly gendering me right now, they really are trying and starting to auto-correct.  The first time we met, John F. Kennedy was president. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 04, 2018, 05:07:09 PM
Kendra is absolutely right, and it seems that the best way to "turn that battleship" as she puts it, is to spend as much time around those folks as you can. Just as this is your new normal, they have to build new habits with regard to you.

If it's any consolation, think of all the people at Sun N Fun who will meet Stephanie for the first time and will only know her as this amazingly smart, talented pilot/aircraft builder.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Saha on April 04, 2018, 05:34:29 PM
I am so sorry to hear that your mother is not well. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 04, 2018, 06:18:40 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on April 04, 2018, 05:07:09 PM
Kendra is absolutely right, and it seems that the best way to "turn that battleship" as she puts it, is to spend as much time around those folks as you can. Just as this is your new normal, they have to build new habits with regard to you.

If it's any consolation, think of all the people at Sun N Fun who will meet Stephanie for the first time and will only know her as this amazingly smart, talented pilot/aircraft builder.

Thank you, Cassie. ❤️

It's a shame it can't be left at that, but it's an absolute certainty that those new people's illusions will be shattered by all of those who knew me before, and all the inevitable deadnaming and misgendering that will follow. So be it, I guess. I just have to suck it up and hope the correct name and gender will stick with the new folks regardless.

As for turning the battleship, any time we were alone, I made sure to gently correct him today. When we weren't, I tried to let it pass, hoping it wouldn't be noticed, since making a big deal out of it would just make things more obvious. If I had known that the neighbors already knew the situation, I would have been correcting him then, too. To their credit, the neighbors always got the name right, though I don't think the opportunity to use pronouns came up on their part. While they knew my story, I don't think we'd ever met face-to-face before, so hopefully my presentation will stick and they'll think of me correctly in the future.

I also got lucky in that either he or I spoke to the medical people individually, so he never had the chance to out me to any of them, and things went smoothly in all the interactions except on the phone, where I got misgendered, of course. [emoji58]


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 04, 2018, 06:20:29 PM
Quote from: Saha on April 04, 2018, 05:34:29 PM
I am so sorry to hear that your mother is not well.

Thank you Saha, and everyone else who sent their good wishes. She's out of surgery and in ICU, and doing as well as any over-80 person would be. I'm home now and collapsing from fatigue.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 04, 2018, 07:50:42 PM
I am so sorry to hear about your mother's illness.  I am glad she is on the mend.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 04, 2018, 07:52:43 PM
I'm glad the surgery went well and your mother is recovering.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: stephaniec on April 04, 2018, 09:53:26 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 04, 2018, 02:59:48 PM
Well, today I'm living the unexpected that forces bravery to the surface. My mom had a heart attack on Saturday, and here I sit in the waiting room while she has open heart triple bypass surgery. There was no choice but to interact with countless medical professionals, and surprisingly, there have been no issues with me so far. It seems that I'm being accepted as Stephanie - my mom's daughter - as I deal one-on-one with everyone.

The only fly in the ointment is spending this time with Mom's hubby, who constantly (accidentally) deadnames and misgenders me. It really put me on edge. Some of their neighbors visited for a while, and at least half the time it was "Steve" or "he." It wasn't until

afterward that I found out that my Mom had already outed me to them, and they were fine with it. We'd had a decent conversation, and I should have gotten a clue when the lady went out of her way to tell me I looked really nice. So I'm weathering the storm, with the biggest anxiety now centered around how Mom's doing.

When I was thrown into this, I leaned heavily on the memory of when @HappyMoni had to attend a funeral as her authentic self, dealing with all those people as her true self for the first time. Though she was scared about it, she dove right into it, and it turned out fine.
When the situation demands it, I guess we can all rise to the challenge...



- Stephanie

The hospital I go to treats me very nicely ecept for the few nurses that cant deal with it ,but its rare
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 05, 2018, 10:53:00 AM
A quick update, and an eye-opening realization.

Mom is sitting up and the doctors say she's doing well. She's not up for visitors, so y'all wait before you line up at her door. Thanks for your concern.

Now the stunner for me:

Thinking back on yesterday, I now realize the enormity of what I'd done. It was surreal, but so right, that I introduced myself as Mom's daughter Stephanie to so many people, and so affirming that I was accepted as such unquestioningly. Better yet, both Mom and her hubby introduced me to everyone that way as well (even though hubby subsequently misgendered and deadnamed me the rest of the day).

Here's how I'd met everyone, as I finally toasted the end of a stressful day:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180405/58193bea3734d2e404c0d6b0cc49fbc5.jpg)

Another related story: There was a strange moment in the waiting room, when the nurse at the desk was calling around, trying to figure out where my mom was in pre-op so I could visit. She apparently misunderstood when I said daughter, and told the person on the other end that [Mom]'s mother Stephanie was trying to find her. At least she got the gender right, if not the age.  [emoji4]

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on April 05, 2018, 06:57:35 PM
Hi Steph,
   I hope all goes well with your Mom. It is certainly a lot of stress on the family. I salute your strength in dealing with everything. Hugs for you at this tough time.
Moni
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 06, 2018, 01:38:01 AM
Hi Stephanie,

   I was glad to hear your Mom was doing better. At least she seems to be getting better.  Those gender issues are theirs remember. They are not yours. You know who you are. If they don't,  well then that's their problem isn't it?

Hugs,
   Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 13, 2018, 10:16:19 PM
Hi everyone. I have so so much to write about, but am so busy and so tired. Just letting you all know that mom is well and recovering, and I'm having the time of my life here at Sun-N-Fun. I have turned another page in my transition. I'll be writing for days when I get home, but for now I just want to mention that I met up with @Dani from the list here today.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180414/da1d0352cc678e0cf2a007d1d0ba7b4e.jpg)

Stay tuned!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 13, 2018, 10:24:16 PM
Oh! Speaking of staying tuned, my job as volunteer here at Sun-N-Fun is as part of the media team in the light plane area. Paul Czarnecki and I are announcing all the aircraft flying the pattern on our runway, as well as doing interviews, etc.

But here's the cool part: we're also live streaming to the internet. If you'd like to listen in on our stream, go here:

https://www.liveatc.net/search/?icao=lal (https://www.liveatc.net/search/?icao=lal)

Scroll to the bottom for the Sun-N-Fun Paradise City feed and click one of the listen links. Specifically between about 10:30 and 11:30 EDT I'll be doing all the announcing myself. Please let me know how I sound. I'm pretty self conscious about it and would love some feedback.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 13, 2018, 10:24:55 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 13, 2018, 10:16:19 PM
Hi everyone. I have so so much to write about, but am so busy and so tired. Just letting you all know that mom is well and recovering, and I'm having the time of my life here at Sun-N-Fun. I have turned another page in my transition. I'll be writing for days when I get home, but for now I just want to mention that I met up with @Dani from the list here today.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180414/da1d0352cc678e0cf2a007d1d0ba7b4e.jpg)

Stay tuned!

Stephanie

@Steph2.0  ....  Stephanie,  A great update...  certainly good news about your mother...  what a relief for you I am sure.

I am so envious of your Sun-N-Fun... and the "summer" clothes you are wearing... here it has been below freezing all week, raining and some snow... spring is here but we didn't get the memo where I live.
Thanks for posting that great picture of you and @Dani ... you both look great in the warm Florida weather.

Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 14, 2018, 07:53:53 AM
Sounds like you are having fun!  I am envious: sun, warmth, airplanes.  I haven't had a chance to listen to your broadcast yet.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 14, 2018, 10:06:22 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 13, 2018, 10:24:16 PMSpecifically between about 10:30 and 11:30 EDT I'll be doing all the announcing myself.
It's 12:05 ADT, so 11:05 EDT, and that's not you.  :(
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 14, 2018, 10:27:20 AM
I've been announcing solo since 10:30. Not sure what you're listening to?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 14, 2018, 10:39:13 AM
D'oh!  I clicked on the wrong channel.  RTFM.  Now, I've got the right channel, but I probably just missed you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on April 14, 2018, 12:04:42 PM
When I first tuned in Stephanie was talking about a "short takeoff"  ;) 

It's really cool hearing the planes fly by as they're being described. 

Here's a one minute recording of Stephanie announcing at Sun 'n Fun 2018 (https://www.dropbox.com/s/y93k5tn9wc2dex5/Sun%26Fun%202018.m4a?raw=1).  The link is a half megabyte - you'll probably need to wait a few seconds for it to load. 

Stephanie you sound great!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 14, 2018, 12:44:23 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 14, 2018, 10:39:13 AM
D'oh!  I clicked on the wrong channel.  RTFM.  Now, I've got the right channel, but I probably just missed you.

There'll be one more chance tonight when we start flying again after the main air show, probably about 5:30EDT. We'll fly fixed wing and weight shifts until about 7pm, then switch to the powered paragliders and ultralights until sunset.

I'm so glad to hear that my voice sounds reasonably good. I was freaking out about it, and I still hear whatsisname in my head.

The voice, however, is the only thing that's causing any anxiety here any more. I'm living the new normal, and finally really believing it. Gotta run, more later. Thanks for checking in on me and for the feedback!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 14, 2018, 12:56:31 PM
Kendra, thanks for recording that clip.  I might have heard Steph live when I went back after all: the voice sounded the same.

Steph, did you go over time, past 11:30?  I was listening at about 11:35, and you, if it was you, were talking about how they were going to close the airspace for manufacturer's demos.

Whether or not I heard you live, you sound good in Kendra's recording!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 14, 2018, 01:33:31 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 14, 2018, 12:56:31 PM
Kendra, thanks for recording that clip.  I might have heard Steph live when I went back after all: the voice sounded the same.

Steph, did you go over time, past 11:30?  I was listening at about 11:35, and you, if it was you, were talking about how they were going to close the airspace for manufacturer's demos.

Whether or not I heard you live, you sound good in Kendra's recording!

I work solo while my co-announcer Paul works the other side of the airport from 10:30 to 11:30, but all other times we work together. We're having a great time playing off each other and bantering. So yes, I did work until they shut us down at about 12:30.

Be back tonight!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 14, 2018, 02:59:20 PM
Working the board and having a blast!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180414/2b3fc7ab0642399ecf281b82e05655df.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 14, 2018, 05:57:07 PM
Ima talking! Are you listening?

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180414/954a9fcf7e7ea864a26d4928ecef3b99.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on April 15, 2018, 08:48:46 AM
I wasn't able to catch the evening broadcast (was in my car), but found the Sun N Fun 2018 audio archives at https://www.liveatc.net/archive.php?m=snfpc
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 02:36:08 AM
Hi Steph,

I'm very glad to hear your mother is well and recovering.

Sun-n-fun sounds like it was a lot of......well, fun!!! I heard some of your announcing from the clip Kendra recorded. You sound good and like you were right at home talking about your aviation passion. Wish I could have been there to also enjoy my love of planes and to meet my friend Steph.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 08:30:22 AM
Quote from: Kendra on April 15, 2018, 08:48:46 AM
I wasn't able to catch the evening broadcast (was in my car), but found the Sun N Fun 2018 audio archives at https://www.liveatc.net/archive.php?m=snfpc

Oh cool! Thanks for pointing that out, Kendra. I see they only keep them available or 30 days, so I really want to download them all, but they're in 1/2 hour chunks. It could be a lot of work. I may contact them and see if it can be downloaded a day at a time.

I did listen to a few clips, expecting to hate what I'd heard, but considering I wasn't working too hard at it, it didn't seem that bad to me, even though I still hear whatsisname in my head. I realize now that I could have played with the equalizers on each of our mics to emphasize the lows on Paul's and the highs on mine, to increase the contrast in the voices even more. Next time!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 08:32:18 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 02:36:08 AM
Hi Steph,

I'm very glad to hear your mother is well and recovering.

Sun-n-fun sounds like it was a lot of......well, fun!!! I heard some of your announcing from the clip Kendra recorded. You sound good and like you were right at home talking about your aviation passion. Wish I could have been there to also enjoy my love of planes and to meet my friend Steph.

Jayne

Thanks Jayne. I'm so glad you're feeling better. I wish you've been there too. I hope our talk last night helped a little on your end.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 09:50:59 AM
Well, I'm home and mostly unpacked. I've just lived through another of those "most incredible experiences" of my life. Yes, I know they all can't be superlative, but this one takes the title until the next one comes along.

To review, I'd made a few posts on April 4th describing what was coming up for me with the big Sun-N-Fun airshow:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=228563.msg2121153#msg2121153 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=228563.msg2121153#msg2121153)

Well, it's all "in the can" now, and wow. Just wow. I feel like a completely different person.

I have been rather pointedly reminded that my posts tend to get a little long, so I'll be posting vignettes of the experiences in separate entries. As an overview, though, I drove in and set up camp with a lot of anxiety. I know so many people at these shows. There were 122 volunteers and 55 exhibitors in our area, at least three quarters of whom knew the old me. So as a rough guess, there were about 130 people who either knew about my transition, or were going to find out at the show. You can imagine how intimidated I was at the prospect.

At the volunteer banquet at the end of the show, the director of volunteers (and my neighbor, who knows all about me and my previous anxiety) asked how the show had gone for me. I paused, trying to come up with an appropriate answer, and unbidden, two words popped out: "The Best!"

Without exception, every single one of those 130+ people were absolutely awesome. Those who knew (or learned) of my situation were completely accepting and respectful, and what's more, those who didn't know... didn't know! I was just Stephanie Bensinger, the woman announcer on the Paradise City Media Team.

The first day I tried to avoid the microphone - not because I have had mic fright in the past, but because I was freaking out about getting the voice to match the presentation. But by the second day, I was getting into the swing of it. Much of it was because I had the technical knowledge that Paul lacked, and I was getting tired of hearing him getting it wrong. As the week progressed and we got more comfortable, we developed a banter that the crowd just ate up. They loved it when Paul got it wrong and I corrected him with humor. There were so many $1 bets that he lost, that he would have covered my fuel bills if he'd ever paid up. They also appreciated it when I described Paul as having a radio voice and a face to match. I didn't have the voice, but I could at least be the pretty face...

I loved working with the audio equipment, and showing off my knowledge of the aircraft and aviation. I had such fun! And everyone around me was so cool. We were appreciated so much that other Florida aviation shows are making preliminary overtures to bringing us in to do theirs as well. We'll see if that pans out, but the prospect now excites, rather than scares me.

The show started on Tuesday, with bad weather that kept us from doing much. I took the opportunity to gather my courage and walk the entire display area, introducing my new self to all the people I'd known in the past, with fantastic results. I've lost count of how many hugs I got from both the women and men. Wednesday I started getting into the swing of the announcing, and on Thursday, when we shut down for the big airshow on the other side of the airport, Paul and I roved the display area with wireless microphones doing interviews with the vendors. I was the pretty assistant who collected brochures and provided the equipment for the interviewees. At one point, when we got out of range of the microphone receivers and Paul struck out of his own to do some interviews closer to the antennas, I visited booths on my own for personal interviews and brochure collection. I found myself seated with a few vendors who hadn't met me before, and as far as they knew, I was Stephanie Bensinger, collecting information for the media team. I simply couldn't stop grinning.

My uniform on Saturday, custom embroidered top and all:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180417/4e7c3e27dfc403e01bbc41744b844cdd.jpg)

Some time that afternoon, between the total acceptance of those who knew, and what was apparently flawless passing to those who didn't, a profound thought occurred to me that had me in tears:

I texted a friend, "I think Steve died today."

More stories to come...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 10:01:06 AM
Quote from: Kendra on April 14, 2018, 12:04:42 PM
When I first tuned in Stephanie was talking about a "short takeoff"  ;) 

I heard that!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 03:13:21 PM
Steph, yes, our talk did help, thank you.

It is so wonderful to hear how well your sun-n-fun trip went. Of course, I had full confidence in you and there was never any doubt in my mind that things would go well for you. You are doing so much better than you sometimes give yourself credit for. We are usually our own worst critics. I'm not sure I like the way you said that Steve died today. Maybe retired might be a better way of putting it. Or stepped aside and handed over the controls to Stephanie. You experienced a lot of pain living a life as Steve, but that was a large part of your life which helped you become the  person you are today, which is one very cool lady. That's just my own opinion which you can completely disregard if you like. Overall, it is so wonderful to see you living the life you always wanted. Congratulations.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 09:25:04 PM
I'll be relating a few stories from Sun-N-Fun, but I wanted to post something deeply emotional that happened this evening. I had gotten dressed up to visit my mom in the rehab facility (she's doing great, by the way), then went to the trivia contest Sue and I participate in on Tuesdays. We took first place, by the way! My uniform for the day included my "Rhapsody Scarf" that has musical notes on it, plus my new treble clef dangling earrings:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180418/4252ea19272e1def1aa55ab4d9022010.jpg)

After the contest we wandered around the square, then sat by the lake enjoying Haagen Dazs in the beautiful warm evening. I was absorbing the simple pleasure of just being myself in the crowds out enjoying their own lives.

When we got home I took the Magster for a walk just after dark, still happily dressed up. And I saw a falling star.

I started making the same wish I'd made for fifty years, and it hit me: the need for that wish is gone, as it has come true. I never ever thought it could happen for me. I broke down in tears in the middle of the street.

I have to come up with something new to wish for. I have two special wishes, and they're very important to me, but none are as profound as the one that I've realized.

One is this: I wish for you all to experience the happiness and fulfillment that I'm finally feeling. The other I'm holding close to my heart.

Stephanie

PS: I don't really ascribe to wish fulfillment by any outside agency. It's up to all of us individually to make it happen. Believe in yourself.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 17, 2018, 09:33:58 PM
snipped:
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 09:25:04 PM
- - - - - - -- --
My uniform for the day included my "Rhapsody Scarf" that has musical notes on it, plus my new treble clef dangling earrings:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180418/4252ea19272e1def1aa55ab4d9022010.jpg)

After the contest we wandered around the square, then sat by the lake enjoying Haagen Dazs in the beautiful warm evening. I was absorbing the simple pleasure of just being myself in the crowds out enjoying their own lives.

When we got home I took the Magster for a walk just after dark, still happily dressed up. And I saw a falling star.

I started making the same wish I'd made for fifty years, and it hit me: the need for that wish is gone, as it has come true. I never ever thought it could happen for me. I broke down in tears in the middle of the street.

I have to come up with something new to wish for. I have two special wishes, and they're very important to me, but none are as profound as the one that I've realized.

One is this: I wish for you all to experience the happiness and fulfillment that I'm finally feeling. The other I'm holding close to my heart.

Stephanie

PS: I don't really ascribe to wish fulfillment by any outside agency. It's up to all of us individually to make it happen. Believe in yourself.

Stephanie:
   Wow whee... a beautifully worded post...and heartfelt words.... and your picture of you in your uniform of the day looks absolutely amazing.... you look very beautiful for sure.
Thanks for posting... very nice!!!
Hugs, Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 09:47:01 PM
Another quick update. Remember all the hassle I had getting my passport straightened out? It finally arrived while I was at Sun-N-Fun. Even better, in a separate mailing they sent my old passport and all the letters I'd sent them back to me. So I have my original signed letter to use elsewhere if needed.

This means that there are only two documents left to get changed, and everything will have my new name on it. One is my pilot's certificate, and the other is my birth certificate. I hope to visit the FAA office next week and get the name and gender marker changed. The BC will have to wait until after GCS. Since it's from a state that doesn't allow gender change until after surgery, I'm not going to bother with the name change until I can get it all done.

In the meantime, I'm so happy to have the passport. @KathyLauren watch out!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 09:47:48 PM
Looking good Steph! I am so happy your wish has come true. Reading your post has also made me realise that I have had the same wish all along and not known it until recently.

You did confuse me a little at the end. What do you mean wishes cannot be fulfilled by an outside agency? I thought there was the IWA (International Wish Agency) which handles the granting of wishes. Have I been misled all these years?

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 09:51:10 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 09:47:01 PM
Another quick update. Remember all the hassle I had getting my passport straightened out? It finally arrived while I was at Sun-N-Fun. Even better, in a separate mailing they sent my old passport and all the letters I'd sent them back to me. So I have my original signed letter to use elsewhere if needed.

This means that there are only two documents left to get changed, and everything will have my new name on it. One is my pilot's certificate, and the other is my birth certificate. I hope to visit the FAA office next week and get the name and gender marker changed. The BC will have to wait until after GCS. Since it's from a state that doesn't allow gender change until after surgery, I'm not going to bother with the name change until I can get it all done.

In the meantime, I'm so happy to have the passport. @KathyLauren watch out!

Stephanie
That's great news! If you really want to give your passport a workout, visit @Jayne01 [emoji16]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 17, 2018, 09:56:20 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 09:47:48 PM
Looking good Steph! I am so happy your wish has come true. Reading your post has also made me realise that I have had the same wish all along and not known it until recently.

You did confuse me a little at the end. What do you mean wishes cannot be fulfilled by an outside agency? I thought there was the IWA (International Wish Agency) which handles the granting of wishes. Have I been misled all these years?


Jayne

Yes Jayne, I too was quite disappointed and disenchanted to find out that there is no outside agency to fulfill our dreams...  where is Santa Clause when you need him...
...and what about the ubiquitous Tooth Fairy .... and on my birthday cake when I blow out the candles I do make a wish and don't let anyone know what I wished for so it will come true.
So anyway Stephanie, you have popped my bubble and also popped Jayne's bubble too.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 10:09:59 PM
Sun-N-Fun Stories...

When I'd displayed at Oshkosh last July, I'd camped next to M, a long-time acquaintance, and his wife P. We got to know each other quite well during the show, and came to enjoy each other's company, with me hanging out in their air conditioned motor home when things got too hot. We had lots of good conversations, but I had a secret that I was terrified to share with them. I'd started HRT the month before, but nobody else knew yet. I felt terrible for hiding it from them, but there was no way I was ready to talk about it. They are from a conservative Southern state, and when they talked about their trip to Key West, P mentioned that she liked the town and the people, but was unsure about things going on there that she didn't really approve of. Uh oh...

Fast forward to Sun-N-Fun. M and P volunteer in the same area I work in, and they had already heard about me through the grapevine before I reintroduced myself to them. I told P how I was so afraid of talking about it back at Oshkosh, and she was almost insulted. She insisted that I should have told her then. I was surprised, thanked her, and went away puzzled that I could have gotten it so wrong, but also wondering just how accepting they would be in the long run.

Next morning I stopped by the admin tent, and P was sitting in there. I touched her on the shoulder (I'm enjoying friendly physical contact more nowadays) and she looked up, smiled, and said, "How you doin', girl?" (Squeeeeee!). Both M and P worked really hard to use the right name and pronouns all week. I knew they were great people, but I didn't realize how wonderful they really are. When they left to go back home I got big hugs from both of them.

This is a picture I never thought I'd be able to take, with my good friend P:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180418/b5a525c62387fc0f79665b64dafcf745.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 10:23:22 PM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on April 17, 2018, 09:56:20 PMSo anyway Stephanie, you have popped my bubble and also popped Jayne's bubble too.

Oh my! I have found myself in deep trouble. I've received a warning letter from the International Wish Fulfillment Consortium, consisting of such entities as the Falling Star Agency, the Birthday Candle Management System, the First Star of the Night Administration, the Wishing Well Bureaucracy, etc. I have been enjoined from slandering, defaming, or otherwise denigrating the mission of the IWFC.

So I will state that my disbelief in the Agency is my own personally held opinion, not backed by peer-reviewed studies, and in no way disrespects the purported mission or efficacy of said organization. Please don't sue me.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 10:28:56 PM
Ok, I won't sue! [emoji16]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 10:35:13 PM
Sun-N-Fun Stories...

I have gotten to know J and D over the years. J supports other volunteers when he distributes sandwiches and water, and his wife D often cooks for us in the campground. I ran across them on the first day. J immediately recognized me, and knew of the situation. He even inadvertently misgendered me a few times while D sat on the golf cart right next to him, but apparently she didn't notice. We talked for a while about D's bandaged foot, and went our separate ways.

Later that night while I was standing in line for my dinner, I felt a touch on my shoulder. It was D, who was looking at me incredulously. She had just realized who I was. She was effusive in her apologies for not knowing me, and also in her praise of how well I was doing. All of it was so very affirming and heartwarming.

Later as we sat at the same table for dinner, she passed on her recommendations for skin care products. She was just one example of how accepting and encouraging all the women were. The men were cool with me, but all the women seemed thrilled to welcome me into their world. How very cool...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 10:37:25 PM
How very cool indeed! I really enjoy reading your stories.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 10:47:59 PM
Sun-N-Fun Stories...

Many of the people I know are also involved with shows other than Sun-N-Fun. One couple, J and G, have actually run a few shows here in Florida. I attended the one they are currently running back in November, with the express purpose of clueing people in on my transition in preparation for Sun-N-Fun. It was still relatively early in my RLE, so I was dressed androgynously at best. I outed myself to J and G, and was accepted warmly.

At Sun-N-Fun they have a display to advertise for their shows, and they stopped by the Media Shack to do an interview. G recognized me (men seem to be better at that) and shook my hand, but J glanced over, introduced herself, then turned back to Paul for the interview. The shack is quite small, so I was right behind her. I touched her on the shoulder and said, "You know me!" She turned around and stared with a blank look for a few seconds, then the light bulb went on. Her exclamations were loud and flattering, and I got a huge hug. She had simply not recognized me at all. I guess I've changed since November...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 11:02:43 PM
Sun-N-Fun Stories...

This is one of the only Sun-N-Funs where I haven't had an airplane to fly off the light plane runway, and I was beginning to despair that I wouldn't get off the ground for the whole show. But being on the media team has its perks, and since we'd gone around and collected information on all the aircraft so we could talk intelligently about them, one of them at least made an offer to take one of us for a ride. When the pilot from Magni Gyros came by with the offer, Paul was too busy to go, so he suggested he take Stephanie. I was more than happy to accept, considering that I'm a fixed-wing kind of girl and had never had the pleasure of flying in a gyrocopter.

He helped me with my helmet, being quite solicitous of the lady, and helped me into the back seat. (Good thing my skirt was actually a skort, considering the center mounted stick (leave it alone!)) It was quite a cool ride, and I learned a lot about the differences and similarities between fixed-wing and rotorcraft. It all helped me with my announcing later.

The coolest part, though, is they just gave Stephanie - the woman working the media booth - a ride. They treated me exactly the way they should have, and it was incredibly affirming.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180418/e26776b356a8dc874928750cf48f4f2b.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180418/e5e576442944a7fec4ae5aa632420d1a.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 17, 2018, 11:16:31 PM
Hi Stephanie,

   Congratulations girl on your Fun N Sun debut. It does sound as if it was a success in all ways. Of even more import is your life long wish (that many of us have) has been fulfilled for you. Thank you for passing that wish on for the rest of us who are still seeking it.

  Hugs,
    Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 11:18:40 PM
Sun-N-Fun Stories...

I've mentioned my dear friend D before many times. He's the very first person beyond my wife and therapist that I'd come out to, at Oshkosh last year. He drove all the way from Indiana to attend my New Year/New Life party - the furthest traveled except for @Kendra.

He had gotten sick of the horrible weather in Indiana, and since my new camper had a hide-a-bed in the "living room" he asked whether he could bunk there. No problem. His payment was getting the generator running every morning so I could have coffee and use my curling iron.

On the last day we were expecting severe storms, so I went out to retract the awning. While working, I had a little conversation with the guy camped next to me. He was considerate of the woman next door and offered any help I needed. I thanked him, and when the awning was packed up I went inside. Not long afterward D carried a load of his luggage out to his car as he packed to head home. He came back into the camper with a smirk on his face, and asked whether I wanted to hear something cool. Well of course...

While he was carrying stuff to his car, the neighbor said good morning, and mentioned that he'd just been talking with D's wife.

Squeeeeeeeee!!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 11:24:33 PM
How cool. What is a gyrocopter like to fly? I have always wanted to fly a helicopter but gyros seem like such odd contraptions!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 11:27:54 PM
Sun-N-Fun Stories...

In the bad old days I used to take exception to non-aviation exhibitors at fly-ins, including jewelry vendors. Well, things have changed.

Remember this brooch? I'd given it to many of my female supporters when I first came out.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180418/59a61ff0c11b11e636f57afc42cc02a4.jpg)

Well, I found these at a jewelry vendor...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180418/9d210fed6725a773f19f8bc041bdea38.jpg)

Yes, things have changed...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 11:34:36 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 11:24:33 PM
How cool. What is a gyrocopter like to fly? I have always wanted to fly a helicopter but gyros seem like such odd contraptions!

Unfortunately, I was never given the opportunity to give it a try. It was a ride once around the pattern. However, when we talked it was apparent that the actual control inputs are almost identical to fixed wing, with the only differences involving pre-rotating the rotor for take-off, and the ability to auto-rotate to a very short landing. Vibration wasn't anywhere near what I'd expected. It was actually quite cool. Gyros have come a very long way from the old Bensen Gyrocopter days.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 11:49:14 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 11:34:36 PM
Unfortunately, I was never given the opportunity to give it a try. It was a ride once around the pattern. However, when we talked it was apparent that the actual control inputs are almost identical to fixed wing, with the only differences involving pre-rotating the rotor for take-off, and the ability to auto-rotate to a very short landing. Vibration wasn't anywhere near what I'd expected. It was actually quite cool. Gyros have come a very long way from the old Bensen Gyrocopter days.

Stephanie
It sounds interesting. The first time I ever saw a gyrocopter was "Little Nellie" in the James Bond film, "You Only Live Twice". I don't think that I believed it was a real aircraft. I assumed it was movie magic.

If you ever get the chance to have a proper fly of a gyro, please give me a report.

Jayne

PS: You do realise that you are a bad influence on me. You keep reigniting my spark for the love of flying. One of the pilots at work which I know, just bought himself a Glastar and Lancair 360. It was a package deal for 2 unfinished projects. I turned a very bright shade of green with envy!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 18, 2018, 12:54:32 AM
Sun-N-Fun Stories...

On the night before the show starts, the volunteers in Paradise City (the lightplane area of Sun-N-Fun) have dinner together. New volunteers are introduced to the old timers. The volunteer director asked me if I wanted to be introduced as a new member, despite having volunteered as my old persona in previous years. I said, sure, why not?

So the Paradise City chairman called the meeting to order and, since I came first alphabetically, Stephanie Bensinger was introduced first. And I got a round of applause. Everyone else got a smattering, too, but it felt to me that mine was a little louder. Maybe just my imagination.

On Saturday night - the next to the last night of the show - we have a banquet in the Paradise City administration tent. We celebrate what we've accomplished, recognize each individual division (security, vendor support, administration, etc.) and hand out awards to individuals for multiple years of service. The Paradise City chairman runs the show, and ran through all the above. It looked like we were all done, and he paused.

Then he said, "I think you may all have noticed the new addition to Paradise City with our new media team.

Paul Czarnecki and Stephanie Bensinger...  Just...  Rocked!!"

And we got a huge round of applause. I smiled and fist bumped Paul. After all the anxiety and uncertainty, we pulled off a coup. More importantly, I was able to find the inspiration to face those fears. The amount of growth I experienced could have been gained in no other way than the total immersion I subjected myself to. Back at camp when I texted Cassie what the chairman had said, it finally hit me with full force, and I broke down in happy tears. It was truly another milestone, and the confidence and self-assurance boost I gained is immeasurable.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 18, 2018, 12:58:32 AM
Sun-N-Fun Lessons...

I'm now back in the real world. The change in my outlook is startling. I took my dog for a walk this morning with just a regular shirt, no makeup, unshaven, with a baseball cap on my head. My presentation was minimal, but in my head, I'm still Stephanie. That's what matters. I called my dentist office and was gratified that I was gendered correctly. Shortly afterward I called my doctor's office, and I was immediately misgendered. It happened multiple times, and I let it go until it was time to set up an appointment, and I then corrected the lady on the phone. She apologized profusely, and I told her not to worry about it, it happens all the time. From that time on, she called me Miss Bensinger, and it was all fine.

I'm not saying that my presentation isn't still important to me. You saw that in my earlier post about going out tonight. But there's a certain calm that has descended, and what people think of me has lost some of its power, having been replaced by what I think instead. I'm getting a glimpse of what those who transitioned a while ago have been trying to make me understand, and what I wasn't ready to see: What really matters is what you think of yourself, and self-assurance carries its own power of persuasion to the outside world. I'm still learning, but I'm getting better at it. And I'm finding the happiness that comes from within, which isn't dependent on the fickle outside world. I will always appreciate being recognized and appreciated by others, but if that's sometimes lacking, I think I'll be able to get by under my own power.

Maybe others can draw a little wisdom from what I'm learning about myself. That would make it even better.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 18, 2018, 01:22:56 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 18, 2018, 12:58:32 AM
Sun-N-Fun Lessons...

I'm now back in the real world. The change in my outlook is startling. I took my dog for a walk this morning with just a regular shirt, no makeup, unshaven, with a baseball cap on my head. My presentation was minimal, but in my head, I'm still Stephanie. That's what matters. I called my dentist office and was gratified that I was gendered correctly. Shortly afterward I called my doctor's office, and I was immediately misgendered. It happened multiple times, and I let it go until it was time to set up an appointment, and I then corrected the lady on the phone. She apologized profusely, and I told her not to worry about it, it happens all the time. From that time on, she called me Miss Bensinger, and it was all fine.

I'm not saying that my presentation isn't still important to me. You saw that in my earlier post about going out tonight. But there's a certain calm that has descended, and what people think of me has lost some of it's power, having been replaced by what I think instead. I'm getting a glimpse of what those who transitioned a while ago have been trying to make me understand, and what I wasn't ready to see: What really matters is what you think of yourself, and self-assurance carries its own power of persuasion to the outside world. I'm still learning, but I'm getting better at it. And I'm finding the happiness that comes from within, which isn't dependent on the fickle outside world. I will always appreciate being recognized and appreciated by others, but if that's sometimes lacking, I think I'll be able to get by under my own power.

Maybe others can draw a little wisdom from what I'm learning about myself. That would make it even better.

Stephanie
YES!!!!!! You get it! I could not stop smiling as I was reading this post. This is one of the bests things I have seen you write so far. Congratulations Stephanie! This is a milestone worth celebrating.

Make a note of this post and direct me to it when I inevitably stumble further along my journey.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Dani on April 18, 2018, 05:35:23 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 18, 2018, 12:58:32 AM
Sun-N-Fun Lessons...
...what people think of me has lost some of it's power, having been replaced by what I think instead.

...What really matters is what you think of yourself...

Maybe others can draw a little wisdom from what I'm learning about myself. That would make it even better.

Stephanie

You got it girl!  ;D

I have been saying this quite often, "we need to accept ourselves as we are" first, then only change what needs to be changed.

All the other changes involved in transition are secondary to self acceptance. When we accept ourselves, nobody can harm our self esteem.

Also, on a personal note: I was happy for you when you found those ear rings at one of the vendors at Sun-n-Fun.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 18, 2018, 08:13:46 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 11:49:14 PMYou do realise that you are a bad influence on me. You keep reigniting my spark for the love of flying.

Sorry! Not sorry!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on April 18, 2018, 08:33:06 AM
 :icon_wave:

Figured that I should let you know that I am keeping up with things, even though I haven't been commenting. Everyone else does a much better job of it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 18, 2018, 08:36:38 AM
Steph, this represented a huge turning point in your life. I hesitate to use the term "make or break" just because if it became "break"...well that's something none of us who love you even wanted to contemplate.

Honestly, there wasn't much chance of things ending up that way but regardless, this is something you had to do.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 18, 2018, 08:38:12 AM
Wow, what a treat to find your updates waiting for me this morning!  I enjoyed catching up on your activities and especially on your growing self-confidence.  You rock!!

Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 09:47:01 PM
In the meantime, I'm so happy to have the passport. @KathyLauren watch out!

Yays!!  Looking forward to it!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Gertrude on April 18, 2018, 08:41:05 AM
I love that dress.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Stevi on April 18, 2018, 09:53:19 PM
Steph,

Thanks for relating your Sun-n-Fun experience.  It is heartwarming hear such tales of acceptance and affirmation.

Just needed to let you know I enjoyed following along.

Stevi (short for Stephanie)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 18, 2018, 10:53:57 PM
Sun-N-Fun Vignettes...

Little memories that are popping up:

Standing in front of bleachers with between 60 and 100 people looking on while I take questions on the wireless microphone for Paul, who's on the runway demonstrating his powered paraglider. Being tapped on the shoulder with an, "Excuse me, ma'am" from a guy standing behind me who had a question. Engaging in long conversations with explanations of what's going on. Interviewing, then leading an eleven year old boy onto the runway so Paul can show him how the PPG works.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180419/8055f84c6f1959992ca63f62d906f8bc.jpg)

Helping a guy with directions who'd knocked on the Media booth door. Getting a smile and a, "thank you, hon" as he left.

Meeting the CEO of Sun-N-Fun in the food line as he greeted and thanked everyone. He read the inscription on my shirt, asked about the Media Team and what we did, and said, "thank you, Stephanie!"

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180419/26bbce4d8fb35226aeb13ef4ff1b126b.jpg)

Being in a position of experiencing any of these would have been unthinkably terrifying just four months ago.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 18, 2018, 11:35:50 PM
@Alaskan Danielle: Danielle, as your first "friend" here, and a bona fide fan of yours, it means a lot to hear your compliments. And don't worry about the wish fulfillment thing. I have seen the error of my ways, and apparently dreams do come true...

@Laurie, still seeking your wish? Whaaaat? Look at the enormity of what you've just accomplished! You're way ahead of me, girl. Well, except for avoiding the Florida rest area restrooms. Believe me, it's not a problem. I've been using them for months now, even with the guards around.

@Jayne01: Jayne my friend, thank you for the encouraging comments. You have permission to lead me back to the post, too, when I inevitably stumble.

@Dani, I was so impressed with your self-assurance when we hung out at the show. I still have a lot to learn, and you're a great example to emulate.

@Faith, please say something beyond "I've got nothing to say that someone else hasn't said better." I want to hear it from you. You have your own unique way of putting things that have special meaning to me.

@SassyCassie: Electric Diva, what can I say? Your faith in me has never wavered, and gives me the courage to move forward when I can't muster the strength to believe in myself. You're just the best.

@KathyLauren: Kathy, thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you're enjoying my ramblings. "You Rock" isn't the kind of thing I'm used to hearing, and I do like it! As for visiting... maybe not this summer, but some day for sure!

@Gertrude: Trudy, thanks for the nice critique on my dress. I was shocked at what it did for me. I never expected I could look like that.

@Stevi, thank for following along. I sometimes wonder whether I'm just writing for the same old core group of dear friends, while being ignored or avoided by the rest of Susan's. Welcome to my world, as weird as it is! And whether you're short for Stephanie... well, I'm 5' 5". Am I shorter than you for a Stephanie?

Thanks again, all!

Stephanie AKA Steph AKA Stephie AKA Galaxy Girl
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on April 19, 2018, 10:13:51 AM
Quote@Faith, please say something beyond "I've got nothing to say that someone else hasn't said better." I want to hear it from you. You have your own unique way of putting things that have special meaning to me.

you spelled eunuch wrong. That's OK, I'll probably never make it that far.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 19, 2018, 11:06:33 AM
Hi Steph,

It's nearly 2am. I was driving home from work along the highway and right in front of me I see a very bright shooting star. It made me think of you and your earlier post about wishing upon a star. Needless to say, I made my very own wish and then my heart skipped a beat as I realised that my wish is already slowly coming true. [emoji846]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on April 19, 2018, 11:50:15 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 17, 2018, 09:25:04 PM
> And I saw a falling star.

I started making the same wish I'd made for fifty years, and it hit me: the need for that wish is gone, as it has come true. I never ever thought it could happen for me. I broke down in tears in the middle of the street.

I have to come up with something new to wish for. I have two special wishes, and they're very important to me, but none are as profound as the one that I've realized.

One is this: I wish for you all to experience the happiness and fulfillment that I'm finally feeling. The other I'm holding close to my heart.

Stephanie

PS: I don't really ascribe to wish fulfillment by any outside agency. It's up to all of us individually to make it happen. Believe in yourself.

I saw your Falling Star post when you made it but didn't reply at the time.  I almost did but stopped as I became emotional and your post caused me to think about many things.  I went for a walk later that evening and couldn't get it out of my mind.  First the wonderful achievements your post represents, and proof the mind is most important and is the foundation of transition.  I have seen people lament missing out on years of potential while attempting to cover up a mismatched existence before saying "enough" and tackling it head-on.  But then it dawned on me: I had stopped wishing for so many years, I forgot the dream I had abandoned.  For almost half a century I didn't wish for anything at all.  Instead of wishing, I aimed for goals within the comfort zone of what I believed was socially logical. 

I now understand why I had been sad and depressed for so many years and didn't know why. 

Before puberty I did have this wish.  And as a teenager I became convinced that was impossible, as absolute as the laws of physics and society.  I walked away in the 1970s convinced I would never change, fenced in by what I thought was an impossible boundary to cross.  It had become pointless to wish for or even remember what I desired. 

They say you should never stop learning, and I have learned a few things since then.

Stephanie, thank you for your post. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on April 19, 2018, 12:23:57 PM
Quote from: Kendra on April 19, 2018, 11:50:15 AM
Before puberty I did have this wish.  And as a teenager I became convinced that was impossible, as absolute as the laws of physics and society.  I walked away in the 1970s convinced I would never change, fenced in by what I thought was an impossible boundary to cross.  It had become pointless to wish for or even remember what I desired. 

They say you should never stop learning, and I have learned a few things since then.

Stephanie, thank you for your post.

Yes!  These things that were impossible, that could never happen for so many of us, are now happening!

We transcend gender.  We transcend the impossible.   We, finally, fully exist.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 19, 2018, 02:35:06 PM
Jayne, I'm so happy that you're feeling better and are having your wish come true, too.

Kendra, it's so wonderful that you found my post valuable. It's awesome that I was able to help you understand yourself better, when your friendship has been such a strong source of inspiration to me.

And Michelle, thank you so much for following my thread and for your comments. Watching you, as you let nothing get in your way, keeps you as a one of my guiding stars when I no longer have need of falling ones.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 19, 2018, 05:44:48 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 19, 2018, 02:35:06 PM
Jayne, I'm so happy that you're feeling better and are having your wish come true, too.

Kendra, it's so wonderful that you found my post valuable. It's awesome that I was able to help you understand yourself better, when your friendship has been such a strong source of inspiration to me.

And Michelle, thank you so much for following my thread and for your comments. Watching you, as you let nothing get in your way, keeps you as a one of my guiding stars when I no longer have need of falling ones.


- Stephanie
Be glad Michelle isn't guiding you the way she does me. The harness itches and chafes. She tends to keep me on a short leash.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 19, 2018, 05:53:23 PM
Quote from: Laurie on April 19, 2018, 05:44:48 PM
Be glad Michelle isn't guiding you the way she does me. The harness itches and chafes. She tends to keep me on a short leash.

Considering that every time you escape, you end up going back, I've become curious. Soooo curious...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Saha on April 19, 2018, 08:26:18 PM
Stephanie, what a beautiful moment!  Thank you for sharing it!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Stevi on April 19, 2018, 08:47:19 PM
Steph,

I'm at 5'11" so I guess Steph is shorter for Stephanie than Stevi is.

Stevi
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 19, 2018, 11:55:33 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 19, 2018, 05:53:23 PM
Considering that every time you escape, you end up going back, I've become curious. Soooo curious...


- Stephanie

Curious? It's that nefarious dark elixir. It takes a couple of months for the effects to wear off. Before that happens I find myself back in her arms clutches again. Her punishment is beyond description in polite company.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 20, 2018, 12:39:55 AM
Quote from: Laurie on April 19, 2018, 11:55:33 PM
Curious? It's that nefarious dark elixir. It takes a couple of months for the effects tie wear off. Before that happens I find myself back in her arms... err clutches again. Her punishment is beyond description in polite company.

*SNORK!*

"Polite company." Heehee! Anybody here polite? [crickets]

Ok, dish...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 20, 2018, 10:02:04 AM
Quote from: Laurie on April 19, 2018, 05:44:48 PM
Be glad Michelle isn't guiding you the way she does me. The harness itches and chafes. She tends to keep me on a short leash.

You see, now if you had opted for the harness with the extra-wide straps and the latigo leather padding stitched into them, it wouldn't be so much of a problem for extended wear and would still have the necessary strength and durability. Escapes would be minimized as well. :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on April 20, 2018, 12:12:26 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on April 20, 2018, 10:02:04 AM
You see, now if you had opted for the harness with the extra-wide straps and the latigo leather padding stitched into them, it wouldn't be so much of a problem for extended wear and would still have the necessary strength and durability. Escapes would be minimized as well. :D

Meh, a harness that's *too* comfortable isn't doing it's proper job. :icon_wink:
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 20, 2018, 01:10:00 PM
Quote from: Sarah_P on April 20, 2018, 12:12:26 PM
Meh, a harness that's *too* comfortable isn't doing it's proper job. :icon_wink:

Stephanie tilted her head in bewilderment as the conversation continued down the bizarrely tantalizing yet somehow disconcerting path upon which it had suddenly turned. She feigned indifference to the exchange taking place before her but her body betrayed her with its reaction. Her breath caught for a moment as her doe-like eyes widened ever so slightly. Heart beating slightly faster, Stephanie put her elbows on the table and leaned forward with hands folded under her chin, clearly eager to hear what came next.

Her traveling companions did not fail to disappoint as their tales of harnesses and dark elixirs spun on...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 20, 2018, 01:13:42 PM
Oh my. Is it warm in heah or is it just me? Y'all are makin' me all dewy.

Oh no, don't stop...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 20, 2018, 01:21:17 PM
She said it was all about service. I soon discovered she meant, my being of service. Little did I know what was in store for me. Oh the things I have had to learn....
  Yes, Mistress Michelle... Right away Mistress...

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 20, 2018, 01:24:08 PM
Quote from: Laurie on April 20, 2018, 01:21:17 PM
She said it was all about service. I soon discovered she meant, my being of service. Little did I know what was in store for me. Oh the things I have had to learn....
  Yes, Mistress Michelle... Right away Mistress...

Seems like it must be better than self-service. Just sayin'.

This used to be the SB thread. Seems it's now the SM thread.

Oh no, don't stop...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 21, 2018, 10:39:13 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 20, 2018, 01:24:08 PM
Seems like it must be better than self-service. Just sayin'.

This used to be the SB thread. Seems it's now the SM thread.

Oh no, don't stop...


- Stephanie

Uh oh... it stopped. Silence is more terrifying than the screaming I heard earlier...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on April 21, 2018, 10:45:07 AM
I'm sure we can whip it back onto shape.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 21, 2018, 10:55:25 AM
OMG, I just found out that "ball gag" doesn't refer to Abbot and Costello's "Who's On First" skit.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on April 21, 2018, 06:27:33 PM
Are you only now figuring out why my favorite outfit includes a leather skirt, top, and boots?

[emoji848]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SadieBlake on April 22, 2018, 08:55:47 AM
Quote from: Laurie on April 20, 2018, 01:21:17 PM
She said it was all about service. I soon discovered she meant, my being of service. Little did I know what was in store for me. Oh the things I have had to learn....
  Yes, Mistress Michelle... Right away Mistress...

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Laurie,  I hadn't realized you (or Michelle) swing that way ... I'd have taken the time when you visited last year to show off my collection of single tail whips, A matched pair of 3' length up to a beautiful 6' bullwhip. I never used harnesses much, preferred rope or sometimes chain.

had I not been ... What was it? 8 weeks post-op and fatigued from a day of running errands when you dropped by last year, we coulda had some fun ;-).
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on April 22, 2018, 11:11:14 AM
I'd contribute more here, but I've been tied up most of the weekend. 😉
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 22, 2018, 08:05:40 PM
Ok, I see the hooligans have transported from Laurie's thread to mine. I shall try to rerail this derailed train of conversation.

Yesterday, due to a postponed previously preplanned party, we had brats, burgers, and beverages (adult) on our lovely lanai.

Just having some fine Florida fun with perfect people.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180423/c4c9f6e5ef3671e24e3d919f150ea89b.jpg)

Saucy Stephanie with the Dragon Lady and Sassy Cassie.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 22, 2018, 08:53:07 PM
Hey! I know those women! I even know that place. Looking good, girls, all of you.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 22, 2018, 08:05:40 PM
Ok, I see the hooligans have transported from Laurie's thread to mine. I shall try to rerail this derailed train of conversation.


  Really ((St)(eph)(an)i)e? You, who posted half of the derailing posts, are going to call the rest of us "hooligans"? Really?
Pot...

  Have you been told today? (ask Jayne, Liz, or Cindy) Hmmmmmph!!!

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 22, 2018, 09:07:51 PM
Quote from: Laurie on April 22, 2018, 08:53:07 PM
Hey! I know those women! I even know that place. Looking good, girls, all of you.

  Really ((St)(eph)(an)i)e? You, who posted half of the derailing posts, are going to call the rest of us "hooligans"? Really?
Pot...

  Have you been told today? (ask Jayne, Liz, or Cindy) Hmmmmmph!!!

Hugs,
  Laurie

Oh, don't misunderstand me, Ms. Kettle. I don't mind... at... all. I am quite proud to count myself as one of the hooligans. It was just a little hot here in Florida today, and I was trying not to get too steamy. Whew!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 22, 2018, 09:15:33 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 22, 2018, 09:07:51 PM
Quote from: Laurie on April 22, 2018, 08:53:07 PM
Hey! I know those women! I even know that place. Looking good, girls, all of you.

  Really ((St)(eph)(an)i)e? You, who posted half of the derailing posts, are going to call the rest of us "hooligans"? Really?
Pot...

  Have you been told today? (ask Jayne, Liz, or Cindy) Hmmmmmph!!!

Hugs,
  Laurie

 
Oh, don't misunderstand me, Ms. Kettle. I don't mind... at... all. I am quite proud to count myself as one of the hooligans. It was just a little hot here in Florida today, and I was trying not to get too steamy. Whew!


- Stephanie

   Oh okay I guess. I was all those "don't stops" that you kept posting that kept me from putting on my moderator's bonnet earlier and suggesting we let you have your thread back. What I'm trying to say young lady is that it's all your fault. Besides I just got home last night and I'm not ready to go back to work yet.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on April 22, 2018, 09:41:47 PM
Hmmmm?

Did someone say.... Steamy???

Well...  <TOS Violation - contents redacted>



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 23, 2018, 07:00:40 AM
Quote from: Laurie on April 22, 2018, 09:15:33 PMWhat I'm trying to say young lady is that it's all your fault.

While some of what was posted did hit me like an earthquake, it is not my fault.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 23, 2018, 08:44:09 AM
Be Yourself. The World Worships the Original
- Ingrid Bergman

I do not ever remember a time in my former tiresome existence when I felt like anything other than a poor copy of someone else. I clearly recall the thought, while in high school, that I had no personality of my own. I was simply an amalgam of everyone I'd met, adopting what I admired from those around me, incorporating those traits into the veneer painted over the me that I could not allow anyone to glimpse. My mannerisms, the types of jokes I'd tell, my style of writing, my hobbies, my style of dress, my entire being was a conglomerate, pieces chipped from and clandestinely spirited away from others. The only things that remained uniquely mine were my fears.

The illusion was not seamless. Despite my best efforts to hide my terrible secret and to be liked, I spent a large part of my earlier life in fear of even my friends. The veneer was indeed micron thin back then. While it seems that no one realized the full extent of my true self, there was no blocking the occasional shadows projected from within onto the screen of my personality. There were always people - even those I called "friend," for lack of a better word - who were ready to pounce any time such vulnerabilities were evident. "Sissy." "Crybaby." "Man up." Family members asked - with the best intentions, and taken with no offense - "Are you gay?" Despite my best efforts, the shell was leak-resistant, but certainly not leak-proof.

It wasn't until my late 30s or 40s that I started to "perfect" my role. I realized that if I was very careful, I could allow very precisely selected portions of my true self into the world while keeping the rest safely locked down and sandboxed. A slice of creativity to replace the too-quiet, plodding robot. A dollop of self-deprecating humor to replace the belligerent defensiveness. People professed to like me. They seemed to enjoy my jokes, especially when I put myself down. I got by. But still, I was seldom invited when others were doing fun things - unless they detected an opportunity for amusement and entertainment. "Let's see how drunk we can get him."

Pretty dark, right? Well...

Almost a year ago the veneer finally suffocated me. I couldn't breathe - almost literally. I spent a night burning in my misery - and the veneer charred and fell off. I felt the light on my face for the first time. My joyful tears washed away the last of the char. The scratchy conglomerate, the sticky amalgam of others, dried up and was wafted away on the cool breeze of self-realization.

It is glorious. It is terrifying. It is freedom.

People around me report seeing a happy person who smiles all the time. There are invitations to join in gatherings from which I would have been excluded before. And bits of me are being borrowed to help others complete their own personalities.

Actualization; Authenticity; Truth: they have unexpected benefits. The world consists of a new conglomerate, a new amalgam. It now shows respect. It now offers gentleness, kindness, and empathy. And it now allows love, both received and given.

These are the benefits of being yourself. Life is too damned short. Don't wait any longer. The world is waiting to love the real you.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 23, 2018, 12:29:13 PM
Wow! Simply wow.

So much of this resembles a lot of my own self-analysis over the years. It got mostly filed away as what other people normally did but they were better at it than me.

You're absolutely right. Life is too damned short, though I can't help but feel for the people who still aren't living theirs.

As part of the greetings co-workers give each other in the morning, the question is often asked, "How are you?"
I so much wanted to respond to this with, "I'm finally living the best part of my life right now!"
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 23, 2018, 12:56:30 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on April 23, 2018, 12:29:13 PM
As part of the greetings co-workers give each other in the morning, the question is often asked, "How are you?"
I so much wanted to respond to this with, "I'm finally living the best part of my life right now!"

You should. It's true, after all.

I used to reply to the question, "How are you doing?" with a mock belligerent, "How am I doing what?!"  Now I answer, "The best ever."
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 23, 2018, 03:50:21 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 23, 2018, 08:44:09 AM
Be Yourself. The World Worships the Original
- Ingrid Bergman

I do not ever remember a time in my former tiresome existence when I felt like anything other than a poor copy of someone else. I clearly recall the thought, while in high school, that I had no personality of my own. I was simply an amalgam of everyone I'd met, adopting what I admired from those around me, incorporating those traits into the veneer painted over the me that I could not allow anyone to glimpse. My mannerisms, the types of jokes I'd tell, my style of writing, my hobbies, my style of dress, my entire being was a conglomerate, pieces chipped from and clandestinely spirited away from others. The only things that remained uniquely mine were my fears.

The illusion was not seamless. Despite my best efforts to hide my terrible secret and to be liked, I spent a large part of my earlier life in fear of even my friends. The veneer was indeed micron thin back then. While it seems that no one realized the full extent of my true self, there was no blocking the occasional shadows projected from within onto the screen of my personality. There were always people - even those I called "friend," for lack of a better word - who were ready to pounce any time such vulnerabilities were evident. "Sissy." "Crybaby." "Man up." Family members asked - with the best intentions, and taken with no offense - "Are you gay?" Despite my best efforts, the shell was leak-resistant, but certainly not leak-proof.

It wasn't until my late 30s or 40s that I started to "perfect" my role. I realized that if I was very careful, I could allow very precisely selected portions of my true self into the world while keeping the rest safely locked down and sandboxed. A slice of creativity to replace the too-quiet, plodding robot. A dollop of self-deprecating humor to replace the belligerent defensiveness. People professed to like me. They seemed to enjoy my jokes, especially when I put myself down. I got by. But still, I was seldom invited when others were doing fun things - unless they detected an opportunity for amusement and entertainment. "Let's see how drunk we can get him."

Pretty dark, right? Well...

Almost a year ago the veneer finally suffocated me. I couldn't breathe - almost literally. I spent a night burning in my misery - and the veneer charred and fell off. I felt the light on my face for the first time. My joyful tears washed away the last of the char. The scratchy conglomerate, the sticky amalgam of others, dried up and was wafted away on the cool breeze of self-realization.

It is glorious. It is terrifying. It is freedom.

People around me report seeing a happy person who smiles all the time. There are invitations to join in gatherings from which I would have been excluded before. And bits of me are being borrowed to help others complete their own personalities.

Actualization; Authenticity; Truth: they have unexpected benefits. The world consists of a new conglomerate, a new amalgam. It now shows respect. It now offers gentleness, kindness, and empathy. And it now allows love, both received and given.

These are the benefits of being yourself. Life is too damned short. Don't wait any longer. The world is waiting to love the real you.

Stephanie
Steph, what a lovely story. You have described my own childhood with words I could never find. Thank you for that. I am so happy that you have found yourself and are free to show the real you to the world.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 23, 2018, 04:55:42 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 23, 2018, 03:50:21 PM
Steph, what a lovely story. You have described my own childhood with words I could never find. Thank you for that. I am so happy that you have found yourself and are free to show the real you to the world.

You'd best put on your shades, Jayne. The future is bright for you, too!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 26, 2018, 10:04:19 AM
Well, hi there!

More word salad from Stephanie...

Lately I've been on an almost continuous high as I live the life as myself that I was meant to live. But there are still a few situations that get me all jittery.

One is being misgendered when out with friends or family in a place where others have only known me as Stephanie. It's incredibly dysphoric and embarrassing. It really grinds that there's nothing I can do about it. I did try the other night to make a pointed correction, and ended up pissing off the person who made the mistake. Luckily there just happened to be no one in earshot who would have been surprised, but it upset me at the time, and ended up upsetting the other person, too. For the sake of the relationship I had to go back and apologize to the person who had screwed up. Of course I got no apology in return, only excuses. He's a guy, I can't expect too much empathy.

The other situation is going back into places, especially male-dominated ones, where I was fairly well known and where I used to be completely comfortable. That happened just yesterday.

If you read the continuing adventures of Christine, the trailer from the depths of Hades, you know that new tires were first priority after the last trip. They were delivered to the house, and I pulled two off the trailer and asked Sue if she'd run them to the local tire shop for mounting and balancing. I also asked for metal valve stems. Done and done.

Yesterday I pulled the other two tires off, and this time I had to go myself. The tire place is a bastion of conservative redneckism, but they're fast, good, fairly priced, and conveniently close. I've used them for the last ten years for tires and alignments, and see the same guy at the desk every time. He'd gotten to recognize me to the point where we didn't even bother with estimates. I'd drop off the truck and keys and go home, and come back later to pick it up and pay. Today was going to be... different. It was complicated by the fact that I was doing exactly what Sue had done yesterday. It seemed inevitable that they would draw conclusions...

With encouragement from @SassyCassie, I gathered my wits and marched in with my purse on my shoulder and my best voice. And holy smokes. "What can I do for you, ma'am?" Then yelling out the door, "She wants metal valve stems, too!"

No weirdness. Absolutely no sign of recognition. Everything as it should be. I asked Cassie later, "Have I really changed that much?" She couldn't really know, since we really have only known each other since last May, but she guessed, "YES! A thousand times YES!" She even proved it with a Magic Eight Ball. Can't refute that evidence!

So life just keeps getting more and more awesome!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on April 26, 2018, 10:19:33 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 26, 2018, 10:04:19 AM
No weirdness. Absolutely no sign of recognition. Everything as it should be. I asked Cassie later, "Have I really changed that much?" She couldn't really know, since we really have only known each other since last May, but she guessed, "YES! A thousand times YES!" She even proved it with a Magic Eight Ball. Can't refute that evidence!

Let me ask this one simple question: In recent weeks, have you ever not seen "Her" when you look in the mirror?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 26, 2018, 10:43:01 AM
 Well St(e)ph(a)ni(e), I thought you were going to tell us  the shop guy gave you an estimate and a higher charge than they gave Sue. You deceived me with that lead in. I see how you how. You are like a magician (though you'd make a better assistant the way you look now) with the misdirections and slight of hand.
  I think we all can see the big changes in you Hun. Get over the misgendering issues they are the ones that are wrong, not you or your presentation.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 26, 2018, 10:53:55 AM
Quote from: SassyCassie on April 26, 2018, 10:19:33 AM
Let me ask this one simple question: In recent weeks, have you ever not seen "Her" when you look in the mirror?

It's not as simple a question to answer as it seems. Yes, I have only seen "her," but she has a strong resemblance to "him." I think they may be related.

When I do have a problem looking in the mirror, it's because I wish she were younger and better looking, not that she's the wrong gender...

- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 26, 2018, 11:03:07 AM
Quote from: Laurie on April 26, 2018, 10:43:01 AM
Well St(e)ph(a)ni(e), I thought you were going to tell us  the shop guy gave you an estimate and a higher charge than they gave Sue. You deceived me with that lead in. I see how you how. You are like a magician (though you'd make a better assistant the way you look now) with the misdirections and slight of hand.
  I think we all can see the big changes in you Hun. Get over the misgendering issues they are the ones that are wrong, not you or your presentation.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Hmmm. No misdirection intended. Just telling my story. And you're right of course. Generally speaking I know I'm doing all right. It's just that some of the situations are still new to me and I've been avoiding them until I no longer have a choice. But when forced to it, I do manage to get through them, and it's fine.

Just today I was getting tinges of paranoia about my pilots certificate. I'd tried emailing FAA twice about setting up an appointment for name and gender change, along with some other paperwork, and hadn't heard back. But this morning a really nice lady called, and we got all set up for next Tuesday. It's the last official ID with the old name on it other than the birth certificate.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Bari Jo on April 27, 2018, 08:44:44 PM
I love your sentiment on actualization.  I will take it to heart.  And you are being gendered correctly!  Someday I will join you.  I'm still very much only gendered male.  At least I'm recognized as a pretty sensitive male, but still!

Bari Jo
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 28, 2018, 11:37:09 PM
Last night we enjoyed a concert with the Alan Parsons Project Live. The opening act was Carl Palmer with an ELP Tribute.

I went with Sue and my most excellent neighbors G and J. They are absolutely perfect with the name and pronouns. We were here together to see Alan Parsons two years ago, but this time it was so much better. I was still old whatsisname back then, but this time I felt free being me. I couldn't help but stand up and dance!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180429/6bf467c8e43863546a776e2207a1b6fd.jpg)

It was a night the way it's supposed to be...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 28, 2018, 11:48:02 PM
I've been doing a lot of research and thinking about my consultation at Mt. Sinai with Dr. Ting's team back in March. The more I learn, the more it seems like the peritoneal method we've been reading about isn't the wonder procedure we've been led to believe. So I wrote a letter to Dr. Goldstein at Mt Sinai today to see if I truly understood what she'd told me at our consultation, and surprise!, I got a reply already. I was correct in what I'd remembered. Here's what I verified:

* The peritoneum is taken from the inside of the scrotum, not from the abdomen lining. The "pull-through" technique some of us have read about online is not used for MTF vaginoplasty. It appears to be used exclusively for ciswomen being treated for agenesis.

* The peritoneum is used only to supplement the scrotal skin as additional graft material, simply for additional depth. I was told depths up to 9 inches are possible using the additional peritoneum material.

* There are no additional "self-cleaning" or lubrication advantages over the standard inversion method.

* Post-op dilation schedules are similar with both methods.

So, considering these things...

* The information noted above;
* The high costs of having to stay in New York City for three weeks post-op;
* Not being able to even meet Dr. Ting until September;
* No possibility of surgery until late spring/early summer of 2019;

...I have begun looking elsewhere. I'll report on that as soon as I get some information back.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 28, 2018, 11:54:09 PM
Quote from: Bari Jo on April 27, 2018, 08:44:44 PM
I love your sentiment on actualization.  I will take it to heart.  And you are being gendered correctly!  Someday I will join you.  I'm still very much only gendered male.  At least I'm recognized as a pretty sensitive male, but still!

Hi Bari Jo,

Sorry I haven't been posting on your thread much lately, but I've been keeping up with your news, and though you're still in the early stages, I like the step by step progress you're making. You've got a lot more nerve than I do by going to Mexico for the hair grafts. I need them, but it would kill me to be shaved bald to do it, especially since I'm full-time. I don't think I could stand wearing a wig in the Florida heat.

By the time your hair grows out and you get a good femme style the HRT should have made some progress, and going full-time should be pretty easy. Yeah, I know, patience, right? It never moves fast enough, does it?

Hang in there, sister. Your time is coming!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:13:10 AM
Hi Steph,
Sorry the procedure is not what you expected at Mt Sinai. The good news is that you have more places to choose from now. This may be a blessing in disguise with the possibility of surgery sooner. I've got all my fingers crossed for you that you find what you need within a reasonable time.

It is so wonderful to see you enjoying your life now as your self. Dance in the aisles girl, you've earned it!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 29, 2018, 06:28:44 AM
Hi, Stephanie!  It is great to see you out having fun at the concert with your lovely wife and neighbours.

Interesting to get more details on that surgery option.  It does sound like you would be better off going elsewhere.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 08:44:49 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 29, 2018, 06:28:44 AM
Hi, Stephanie!  It is great to see you out having fun at the concert with your lovely wife and neighbours.

To show how cool they are, between sets J got up and started out the aisle past me. On the way by, she asked if I needed to use the little girl's room. Good idea!

On the way into the venue, G, being the only guy in the group, had his wife on one arm and me on the other, with Sue grinning like a fool behind us. What fun!

When we went through security (they look in your purse and walk you through a metal detector), Sue tripped the alarm. I waited while they "wanded" her, and the guy told me, "you'll have to step back, ma'am."

"New normal" or not, I'm not sure I'll ever shed that little frisson of joy I feel whenever I hear that.

Oh, yeah, my musically themed outfit for the night:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180429/cc80e189feac69c7cfd1d93ca82fbfa2.jpg)

You can't see my dangly treble clef earrings...

Quote
Interesting to get more details on that surgery option.  It does sound like you would be better off going elsewhere.

I sent a consultation request off to Dr. Sidhbh Gallagher's office yesterday. Indianapolis would be sooo much easier and cheaper than NYC. And... she no longer requires hair removal. That, along with the fact that they are able to schedule surgeries two to three months out, could move the timeline up significantly. Besides, her Irish accent is irresistible. [emoji16]

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 09:51:26 AM
Watching @Jayne01 find her feet over in her own thread prompted me to write about what's been on my mind for the last couple of weeks.

Despite building and flying ultralights and light planes for the last 35 years, I, in my previous persona, lived a pretty repressed, too-careful life. Hiding in the shop or wrapped up inside a little plane kept me isolated from the outside world, and not even my very small circle of trusted friends ever got a glimpse of who was really inside the costume.

Now, though...

I want to do it all! I want to skydive. I want to dance in the aisles. I want to hang glide. I want to sing karaoke. I want to visit the Brick and hear @Kendra wow us with her fiddle while I dance to "Two Tickets for the Road."  I want to play guitar for a crowd. I want to visit @KathyLauren and look through her telescope at Eta Carinae. I want @sassycassie to take me to a Goth club.

Suddenly life is worth embracing, and I want to live out loud!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on April 29, 2018, 10:52:35 AM
Amazing what a few hormones can do to people! So glad you found new joy and fun in live. - oh and sign me up for hearing @Kendra play the fiddle. Maybe Laurie can snoop her up on her next road trip and we can all enjoy Kendra on Tour...

One thing I was wondering about your last trip to New York: Could you have flown one of your planes instead of taking the train?

Hugs! Sarah

Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 09:51:26 AM
Watching @Jayne01 find her feet over in her own thread prompted me to write about what's been on my mind for the last couple of weeks.

Despite building and flying ultralights and light planes for the last 35 years, I, in my previous persona, lived a pretty repressed, too-careful life. Hiding in the shop or wrapped up inside a little plane kept me isolated from the outside world, and not even my very small circle of trusted friends ever got a glimpse of who was really inside the costume.

Now, though...

I want to do it all! I want to skydive. I want to dance in the aisles. I want to hang glide. I want to sing karaoke. I want to visit the Brick and hear @Kendra wow us with her fiddle while I dance to "Two Tickets for the Road."  I want to play guitar for a crowd. I want to visit @KathyLauren and look through her telescope at Eta Carinae. I want @SassyCassie to take me to a Goth club.

Suddenly life is worth embracing, and I want to live out loud!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 12:17:45 PM
Quote from: sarah1972 on April 29, 2018, 10:52:35 AMOne thing I was wondering about your last trip to New York: Could you have flown one of your planes instead of taking the train?

Hi Sarah!

We did fly in, but I let somebody else do the piloting. My plane can take off in half the wingspan of the one we flew in.

The airspace around New York is a bit complicated for the class license I have and the simplicity of my planes. Weather would have been a serious issue, too, causing lots of delays. The saying for traveling in small planes is, "If you've got time to spare, go by air." [emoji16]

Stephanie


Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 01:30:00 PM
I've mentioned before that I often participate in a Trivia contest with Sue and some of her friends on Tuesdays in a gi-huge-ic retirement community (The Villages) not far from home.

Last Tuesday @sassycassie was able to join me, but since the team I usually play on is closed to those outside their group, Cassie and I formed our own team.

Galaxy Girl (me) and The Electric Diva (Cassie) - our SuperHero names - took second place, handily besting the team from which we were excluded. So in true SuperHero diplomacy, I say unto them, "Pthththth, Nyah Nyah, looooosers!"

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180429/894880ed833c913ed70f6b40f5d78795.jpg)

Stephanie and Cassie

PS: Now you all know our secret identities. You have been all sworn to silence under penalty of being ridiculed as above.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:16:04 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 09:51:26 AM
Watching @Jayne01 find her feet over in her own thread prompted me to write about what's been on my mind for the last couple of weeks.

Despite building and flying ultralights and light planes for the last 35 years, I, in my previous persona, lived a pretty repressed, too-careful life. Hiding in the shop or wrapped up inside a little plane kept me isolated from the outside world, and not even my very small circle of trusted friends ever got a glimpse of who was really inside the costume.

Now, though...

I want to do it all! I want to skydive. I want to dance in the aisles. I want to hang glide. I want to sing karaoke. I want to visit the Brick and hear @Kendra wow us with her fiddle while I dance to "Two Tickets for the Road."  I want to play guitar for a crowd. I want to visit @KathyLauren and look through her telescope at Eta Carinae. I want @sassycassie to take me to a Goth club.

Suddenly life is worth embracing, and I want to live out loud!

Stephanie
Steph, it is so nice to see you enjoying your life and wanting to live it to the fullest. Life is such a beautiful gift to be cherished. In my lifetime, I have only ever met very few people that knew how to enjoy life and get the most out of it. I never understood how they could always be so enthusiastic about everything they did. Now I do understand, it appears that you also understand.

However, there is one thing I must disagree with you. There is never any good reason to jump out of a perfectly working aircraft. What are you thinking girl????? [emoji12]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 03:25:58 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:16:04 PMHowever, there is one thing I must disagree with you. There is never any good reason to jump out of a perfectly working aircraft. What are you thinking girl????? [emoji12]

Ummm... practice for if it stops working perfectly?

That's the best I've got.

(I used to use that line, too, but something's happened to my thought process. Did I mention visiting a certain girl In Australia and petting a brown snake and cuddling a redback spider? Theyre so cuuute!)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:41:48 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 03:25:58 PM
Ummm... practice for if it stops working perfectly?

That's the best I've got.

(I used to use that line, too, but something's happened to my thought process. Did I mention visiting a certain girl In Australia and petting a brown snake and cuddling a redback spider? Theyre so cuuute!)

Stephanie
You're crazy girl! Nobody around here pets brown snakes, we wrap them around our neck as a scarf. It's the crocs that we pet. They love to be scratched under their chin. Dah!

Now what's this you are saying about visiting a certain girl in Australia? Details please!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 03:48:24 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:41:48 PM
You're crazy girl! Nobody around here pets brown snakes, we wrap them around our neck as a scarf. It's the crocs that we pet. They love to be scratched under their chin. Dah!

Well that's disappointing. I'm returning that travel guide.


QuoteNow what's this you are saying about visiting a certain girl in Australia? Details please!

I've finally gotten my passport! I just don't have the money. I can't even afford to visit Kathy until I spend everything needed for a certain transition. Priorities!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:50:25 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 03:48:24 PM
I've finally gotten my passport! I just don't have the money. I can't even afford to visit Kathy until I spend everything needed for a certain transition. Priorities!
Well o......kay...... as far as excuses go, that's a pretty good one.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 03:51:42 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:50:25 PM
Well o......kay...... as far as excuses go, that's a pretty good one.

I figured that was a pretty iron-clad excuse!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:53:42 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 03:51:42 PM
I figured that was a pretty iron-clad excuse!
But afterwards, I expect details on how you plan on getting that Aussie stamp in that shiny new passport of yours.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 04:01:56 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:53:42 PM
But afterwards, I expect details on how you plan on getting that Aussie stamp in that shiny new passport of yours.

That I'll do, mate. I'm fair dinkum, not a bludger. I'll visit your station if I don't have to eat Vegemite on walkabout in the outback. I much prefer shrimp on the barbie. G'day.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on April 29, 2018, 04:57:30 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 03:16:04 PMThere is never any good reason to jump out of a perfectly working aircraft.
I'm with you there, Jayne!  I spent over 1500 hours with a parachute on my back and never once used it.  I aim to keep it that way, as any sensible person would!

Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 09:51:26 AMI want to visit @KathyLauren and look through her telescope at Eta Carinae.

I am looking forward to your visit, whenever you can make it.  But we'll have to save Eta Carinae for when you and I head down under to visit Jayne.  Or possibly for when I visit you.  I'm too far north to see it.

Seriously, though, I love your attitude!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 05:11:49 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 29, 2018, 04:57:30 PM
But we'll have to save Eta Carinae for when you and I head down under to visit Jayne.
Oh goodie goodie goodie! I get Steph and Kathy visiting me together. How exciting!!! I promise not to make you eat Vegemite. Only tourists eat that stuff, we use it as axle grease!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 29, 2018, 05:34:55 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 05:11:49 PM
Oh goodie goodie goodie! I get Steph and Kathy visiting me together. How exciting!!! I promise not to make you eat Vegemite. Only tourists eat that stuff, we use it as axle grease!

"Only tourists eat that stuff"  I'm going to tel Liz you called her a tourist and then you will be in trouble...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 05:35:00 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 05:11:49 PM
Oh goodie goodie goodie! I get Steph and Kathy visiting me together. How exciting!!! I promise not to make you eat Vegemite. Only tourists eat that stuff, we use it as axle grease!

Ah ha!! I thought so. Excellent scam, Aussie!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 29, 2018, 05:38:56 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 05:35:00 PM
Ah ha!! I thought so. Excellent scam, Aussie!

Ausie's do eat that awful stuff. I have seen Liz eat it on toast. eewwwww
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 05:48:21 PM
Quote from: Laurie on April 29, 2018, 05:38:56 PM
Ausie's do eat that awful stuff. I have seen Liz eat it on toast. eewwwww
Yeah, but Liz originally cane from the other side of the ditch. They do things differently over there.

Laurie, I encourage you to try that stuff sometime. I will be happy to send some over to you. [emoji16]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 07:50:41 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 05:48:21 PMLaurie, I encourage you to try that stuff sometime. I will be happy to send some over to you. [emoji16]

No need to send any over. It's easily found anywhere they're tarring a road.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on April 29, 2018, 08:07:32 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on April 29, 2018, 05:48:21 PM
Yeah, but Liz originally cane from the other side of the ditch. They do things differently over there.

Laurie, I encourage you to try that stuff sometime. I will be happy to send some over to you. [emoji16]

Jayne

Do they actually allow that stuff to be shipped. I thought it was banned as a controlled substance. That or as an evasive caustic corrosive substance that no one wants infecting their country.

Laurie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 29, 2018, 07:50:41 PM
No need to send any over. It's easily found anywhere they're tarring a road.


- Stephanie

I tried chewing some of that road tar as a kid... tasted awful and made my teeth black. My mom was not amused.

Laurie


Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 01, 2018, 09:30:48 PM
Simplicity Versus Completeness

Late last week I was feeling depressed. There was uncertainty in my life that had me sad, and it was possibly exacerbated by messed up dosages with my HRT. I was out working on my neighbor J's plane. J had died a few months ago - he was the one for whom we had flown the "missing man" formation at his burial ceremony. His widow asked if I would go through the plane and get it safe to fly again after years of neglect, in return for which I could fly it when I wanted. So I was looking through the operations manual for inspection checklists.

And there in a sleeve on the first page was a picture of the day he bought it in February 2012. J had asked me to go with him to fly it home from the east coast of Florida, and my other neighbor B flew us there in his 4-seater.

In the picture B and J and the previous owner were on the right side of the plane. On the other side was someone familiar. Close-lipped smile as usual in those days. Columbia shirt, jeans, dirty but comfy tennis shoes. Seeing that picture was an unexpected shock, and in the mood I was in, the person in the picture was living what seemed to be such an easy, uncomplicated life. The angst was there but it was buried deep enough that he seemed happy. It was so attractive when I saw it. I ended up crying on the book, mourning the simplicity of that life. I almost took it out and scanned it as a reminder of what I've lost, but it hurt too much.

By the time I shared that episode with Cassie, I was pretty much over it and feeling better. But as I related it to her, I got myself worked up again. And she let me have it with both barrels. She forcefully reminded me about the kinds of dark thoughts and dire plans I'd had for myself back then. She made me understand that it may have been simple, but it wasn't really happy.

Now life is more complicated, and there are periods of short-term intense angst, but on balance the happiness and completeness I feel now can in no way compare to that constant dysphoria simmering just below the surface back then, simplicity notwithstanding.

It would have been so much harder to understand all that without Cassie's guidance. So I'll echo what she'd written in her thread: the people I love - locally, like Cassie and Sue, and spread out all over the world, like all of you reading this - keep me stable and sane. You are all my light in the darkness that I find myself in sometimes. Thank you all with all my heart.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 01, 2018, 09:48:04 PM
Recent Milestone #1

Shopping Therapy!

Summer is coming. My first swimsuit!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180502/9694a2ed1e8bd5dbb2f62046caa50f52.jpg)

This caught my eye. Sold!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180502/0e52263efd9d34ef8f07084eba81ef6d.jpg)

Feeling better now!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 01, 2018, 09:51:28 PM
Recent Milestone #2

I received an email reply from Eskenazi Health in Indianapolis, with details on who to talk to in Dr. Gallagher's office re GCS. I can contact her directly or they will contact me. I'm not waiting - I'll be writing her tonight.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 01, 2018, 10:12:19 PM
Recent Milestone #3

It is done.

Today I spent the afternoon in FAA's office in Orlando. When I left I had in my possession my pilot certificate, repair(wo)man's certificate, and the maintenance certificate for the plane I'd just finished. All in the name of Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, Female.

When I left I sat in my car experiencing what Cassie and I call a "lady minute." I ruined my eyeliner with happy tears.

What's so significant? Those documents were the very last ones on my checklist to get the name and gender change. Every single important thing out there - local, state, and federal government identifications, financial documents, membership organizations, medical professionals, websites, everything of any importance to me - now lists me with my new name and appropriate gender.

To be sure, I still get junk mail and catalogs in the old name, and those go into the burn pit with prejudice. I assume that will be self-correcting with time. But the hard work is done.

So I'm celebrating with a glass of pink moscato, and toasting myself for a huge job finalized.

Hello world. This is me.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 01, 2018, 10:33:32 PM
Hello you!  Welcome to the world!

What a great milestone for you to have all your documents in your correct gender and name. Congratulations, Stephanie. I am very happy for you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 01, 2018, 10:35:52 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 01, 2018, 10:33:32 PM
Hello you!  Welcome to the world!

What a great milestone for you to have all your documents in your correct gender and name. Congratulations, Stephanie. I am very happy for you.

Jayne

Well, hi there Ms. Jayne! And may I say that I am joyful to see your smiling self out in the world, too?

Look out world! Here we come!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 01, 2018, 10:39:24 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 01, 2018, 10:12:19 PM
Recent Milestone #3

It is done.

Today I spent the afternoon in FAA's office in Orlando. When I left I had in my possession my pilot certificate, repair(wo)man's certificate, and the maintenance certificate for the plane I'd just finished. All in the name of Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, Female.

When I left I sat in my car experiencing what Cassie and I call a "lady minute." I ruined my eyeliner with happy tears.

What's so significant? Those documents were the very last ones on my checklist to get the name and gender change. Every single important thing out there - local, state, and federal government identifications, financial documents, membership organizations, medical professionals, websites, everything of any importance to me - now lists me with my new name and appropriate gender.

To be sure, I still get junk mail and catalogs in the old name, and those go into the burn pit with prejudice. I assume that will be self-correcting with time. But the hard work is done.

So I'm celebrating with a glass of pink moscato, and toasting myself for a huge job finalized.

Hello world. This is me.


- Stephanie

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger:  Wow whee, that is a terrifically good report.  Yes indeed, getting gender correct legal name changes on all of our important documents, credit cards, and even utility bills and bank statements are certainly a big milestone and a satisfying and tear jerking experience.... plus of course the appropriate picture on identifications, passport and professional licenses. I even went the extra mile and had my diplomas from university changed to my legal female name.
I am very happy for you. 
Thank you for posting your encouraging and happy good report and update.
Hugs,
Danielle 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on May 02, 2018, 12:26:52 AM
Steph that is great news...each time you get an important step laid down it feels fantastic and "lady minutes" are expected. It is one more step in removing the old you to let the new you shine through. Each one of those steps takes courage and commitment of which you have showed plenty.

Take care

Liz 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on May 02, 2018, 01:17:55 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 01, 2018, 10:12:19 PM
Today I spent the afternoon in FAA's office in Orlando. When I left I had in my possession my pilot certificate, repair(wo)man's certificate, and the maintenance certificate for the plane I'd just finished. All in the name of Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, Female.

Stephanie I am proud of ya.  Seriously.  I know how this previously caused apprehension.  Now you're there.  Done.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on May 02, 2018, 05:35:56 AM
Great News Stephanie! So happy to read you making another big step forward. Now go get on that plane of yours and take a nice quick trip! Remember all the early flight pioneers? Predominantly women! They better amend the gallery and add Stephanie right next to the great Amelia Earhart!

Proud of you girl!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 02, 2018, 03:10:29 PM
What can I say (((((S)t)(e)p)h)ani)(e)?,

  (((((HUG)))))


  Great posts.

Hug,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 02, 2018, 04:25:19 PM
Quote from: Laurie on May 02, 2018, 03:10:29 PM
What can I say (((((S)t)(e)p)h)ani)(e)?,

  (((((HUG)))))


  Great posts.

Hug,
   Laurie

Mmmmmm. You give great hugs. [emoji18]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on May 02, 2018, 04:40:58 PM
Woo-hoo!  Congratulations on getting the pilot's licence, etc. updated.  Here's to completed paperwork!

I love the swimsuit and the pink dress!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 02, 2018, 04:44:17 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 02, 2018, 04:40:58 PM
Woo-hoo!  Congratulations on getting the pilot's licence, etc. updated.  Here's to completed paperwork!

I love the swimsuit and the pink dress!

About August it'll be warm enough for you to break your swimsuit out too for a few days before it snows again!

Seriously, thanks! I was beginning to think nobody saw those pictures. When I saw myself in the swimsuit I was shocked, and had a lady minute in the dressing room. It's all getting so much better.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on May 02, 2018, 05:02:02 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 02, 2018, 04:44:17 PM
About August it'll be warm enough for you to break your swimsuit out too for a few days before it snows again!
Um, no, nope, nopity-nope. 

While I could potentially find a nice skirted swimsuit that concealed the unmentionables, the fact remains that, even in August, the Bay of Fundy is not swimmable.  Not even with global warming raising the water temperature and threatening to kill off the lobster fishery. 

It has something to do with the tides.  The massive turnover of water every six hours ensures that there isn't a nice, stable, warm surface layer.  All the cold water at the ocean bottom gets churned up onto the beaches.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 02, 2018, 07:25:02 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 02, 2018, 04:44:17 PM
About August it'll be warm enough for you to break your swimsuit out too for a few days before it snows again!

Seriously, thanks! I was beginning to think nobody saw those pictures. When I saw myself in the swimsuit I was shocked, and had a lady minute in the dressing room. It's all getting so much better.

Stephanie
I only just saw the pictures. Nice dress and swimsuit. When I first read your post, the pictures didn't display. I thought you may have removed them for some reason. Glad they finally showed up.

Your are on fire completing one milestone after another. I'm guessing GCS is the next big item on your list. I wish you good luck in your search for the right surgeon, and hopefully they don't have too long of a waiting list.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 03, 2018, 12:48:50 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 02, 2018, 05:02:02 PM
Um, no, nope, nopity-nope.

Ha! I thought I was the only one who used nopity-nope. GMTA!

Quote
While I could potentially find a nice skirted swimsuit that concealed the unmentionables, the fact remains that, even in August, the Bay of Fundy is not swimmable.  Not even with global warming raising the water temperature and threatening to kill off the lobster fishery. 

It has something to do with the tides.  The massive turnover of water every six hours ensures that there isn't a nice, stable, warm surface layer.  All the cold water at the ocean bottom gets churned up onto the beaches.

I had no trouble at all finding a skirted suit, except for many places that sell them only have them in dull dark colors. We have a chain here in Florida called Beall's that sell to the "Florida Lifestyle" so I suspected they'd have fun colorful stuff, and sure enough, you've seen the results. Yays!

As for the cold water, uh yeah, I tried to swim in Lake Superior once. Not recommended. But surely there must be swimming pools up there. Just chase out the polar bears and use one of those!

Stephanie

PS: Yes, I called you Shirley.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 03, 2018, 01:25:19 AM
I realized today that there was one place that hadn't gotten my name updated yet. It's the compounding pharmacy that provides my BLT numbing cream for electrolysis. Off I went to Inverness - yes, the self-same Inverness where our Laurie has friends she stays with here in Florida. When I marched in with my purse on my shoulder and told the lady that I needed a refill and also needed to update my personal records, I was directed to a small window off to the side. Working the window was "Junior" (my name for him - it seemed to fit). I call him a kid, but he was probably in his early 20s - most likely working in his family's business. I was dressed nicely casual with no doubt on my presentation. I told him I needed to update my records, he got the last name, then looked a little puzzled as it came up on his screen. With a big smile I passed him my driver's license and told him that's what it needed to be changed to. And his face turned beet red and stayed that way. He was really nice and respectful, but it was obvious he'd never run into this situation before. He was so cute I just wanted to pinch his little cheek.

I have to go back tomorrow to pick up the prescription, and I joked to Cassie that I was considering bringing him a teddy bear. But of course I'm a sweet old lady and would never do that. Just a big friendly smile will do.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180503/1a1dcc1fa89cad88327f6c2e08f0136d.jpg)
Today's Uniform

From there it was off to my old male bastion of Lowe's. Cassie warned me of what happens to unescorted ladies in such stores, relating how a big smart do-it-yourselfer hardware store worker will surely ask, "Need any help, darlin'?" Actually happened to her.

I found the 110v 30a wall socket I needed, and sure enough an old dude in a blue apron walked up and asked if I needed anything. I mumbled that I was doing fine, but I guess he didn't hear me. He stopped and said, "Ma'am?" With a smile I repeated myself, and with an "ok, good" he moved on. I had considered saying something like, "Oh dearie me, it's all so confusin'! Ah may be gettin' the vapors! Ahm certainly becomin' all dewy," while fanning myself with my hand, but... nawwww...

Earlier in the day I was walking the Magster and ended up in the hangar at neighbor Steve's house [I'm using the name because it's kinda necessary to the story]. He stands about 5 foot nuthin', and I used to joke that at 5 foot 5 inches, I was the "Tall Steve." Good neighbor B came over, and Steve was showing what he was doing on the plane he's building. As he pointed out a part, he called me "Steve." And B jumped right in, saying, "Wait, who's Steve?" I said, "Yeah, there's only one here, and he's the tall one now." Chuckles all around, but when I left, Steve called after me with a question, and used "Steph." Thank you, B!

Just another day in the life...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 03, 2018, 07:56:58 AM
Now dearie, you just behave a leave those poor young boys alone. You are much too old for them and people will talk. You don't want people calling you a  .. Oh what's the word? Wolf? No, bear? No, oh yes coyote. Yes, that's it, a coyote.  You don't want people calling you a coyote do you?
  Now you just behave or I'll have to have the Caddie put you up on top of the fridge again.

Hugs,
   Laure

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 03, 2018, 08:31:29 AM
Quote from: Laurie on May 03, 2018, 07:56:58 AM
Now dearie, you just behave a leave those poor young boys alone. You are much too old for them and people will talk. You don't want people calling you a  .. Oh what's the word? Wolf? No, bear? No, oh yes coyote. Yes, that's it, a coyote.  You don't want people calling you a coyote do you?
  Now you just behave or I'll have to have the Caddie put you up on top of the fridge again.

[emoji23] Coyote!

I think it's a feline, like a panther or a mountain lion, or a... cougar!

Or maybe a lynx... or a minx.

Meeee-owww!

But seriously, this kid was cute, but not my type. More like a puppy dog. No worries. I have other interests.

And Caddies carry clubs. That sounds dangerous.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on May 03, 2018, 10:38:02 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.canadiancollectibles.ca%2Fproductimages%2Fbiddys%2Ffigurines%2F12951.jpg&hash=21bdaec9252be89f1a6a87eb67f2ab0650938322)



disclaimer: image from a shopping site
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on May 03, 2018, 11:54:14 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 03, 2018, 01:25:19 AM
> He was so cute I just wanted to pinch his little cheek

I could say something but I won't.   :P

...jeans or slacks?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 03, 2018, 12:20:45 PM
Quote from: Kendra on May 03, 2018, 11:54:14 AM
I could say something but I won't.   :P

...jeans or slacks?

Well, I almost wrote I wanted to pat his little head, but I'm glad I didn't ...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Stevi on May 03, 2018, 08:52:21 PM
Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger,

Congratulations on finally getting all those documents correct that have been in error all these many years.  Especially now that the loose end is taken care of, as well.  I am very jealous of you.  I have just started and I can't even get my hands on name change order that is at the court house for another four or five days.

Really glad you have complete this big step.  I'll go off into a corner and sulk for a few days.

Stephanie Rushelle Jones
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 03, 2018, 10:53:12 PM
Quote from: Stevi on May 03, 2018, 08:52:21 PM
Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger,

Congratulations on finally getting all those documents correct that have been in error all these many years.  Especially now that the loose end is taken care of, as well.  I am very jealous of you.  I have just started and I can't even get my hands on name change order that is at the court house for another four or five days.

Really glad you have complete this big step.  I'll go off into a corner and sulk for a few days.

Stephanie Rushelle Jones

Ah ah, Stevi, no sulking now! I just got started earlier. I remember feeling exactly as you do now when I filed the paperwork with the court back in November. It actually feels weird to be the experienced veteran at something here on Susan's. Altogether, it's been an almost 7 month ordeal. Just take it one step at a time and stay patient. Eventually you'll be celebrating, too!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 05, 2018, 10:34:17 PM
Had an incredibly awesome girls day out with Cassie today. We both got dressed up - I got to wear the new pink dress I bought last week, accented with turquoise jewelry.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/a70397cafb94937f0d329230b1fe9391.jpg)
A terrible picture of me in my new dress.

The morning started with us both getting our nails done. Later, lunch at a neat little restaurant in the cool little town where Cassie works. Then shop shop shop. Not much buying, but lots of wandering and looking and girl talk. Then I got my brows waxed and tinted, followed by dinner at PF Chang's.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/a707327bc620cedc22f8a5c57fff22fc.jpg)
Nails and brows!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/fe52541a80ae9f6d4668413814d6b9df.jpg)
Girl's day out

A little more shopping, then bunking at Cassie's so we can get a fairly early start on a bike ride in the morning. All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Dani on May 06, 2018, 05:35:49 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 05, 2018, 10:34:17 PM
Had an incredibly awesome girls day out ... Then I got my brows waxed and tinted...

All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie

Steph,

I am so happy for you.   :eusa_dance:

Having my brows done was the most feminizing cosmetic procedure I have done.

Eyebrow shaping works for you. Well done.  :icon_woowoo:
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 08, 2018, 03:51:27 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 05, 2018, 10:34:17 PM
Had an incredibly awesome girls day out with Cassie today. We both got dressed up - I got to wear the new pink dress I bought last week, accented with turquoise jewelry.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/a70397cafb94937f0d329230b1fe9391.jpg)
A terrible picture of me in my new dress.

The morning started with us both getting our nails done. Later, lunch at a neat little restaurant in the cool little town where Cassie works. Then shop shop shop. Not much buying, but lots of wandering and looking and girl talk. Then I got my brows waxed and tinted, followed by dinner at PF Chang's.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/a707327bc620cedc22f8a5c57fff22fc.jpg)
Nails and brows!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/fe52541a80ae9f6d4668413814d6b9df.jpg)
Girl's day out

A little more shopping, then bunking at Cassie's so we can get a fairly early start on a bike ride in the morning. All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie

Stephanie: A great update and a wonder post with terrific pictures. 
I have been enjoying following your thread and your updates.... and postings in other threads.
Seriously, your photos are wonderful to see.   Beautiful ladies.
Hugs, Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on May 08, 2018, 05:48:22 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 05, 2018, 10:34:17 PM
Had an incredibly awesome girls day out with Cassie today. We both got dressed up - I got to wear the new pink dress I bought last week, accented with turquoise jewelry.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/a70397cafb94937f0d329230b1fe9391.jpg)
A terrible picture of me in my new dress.

The morning started with us both getting our nails done. Later, lunch at a neat little restaurant in the cool little town where Cassie works. Then shop shop shop. Not much buying, but lots of wandering and looking and girl talk. Then I got my brows waxed and tinted, followed by dinner at PF Chang's.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/a707327bc620cedc22f8a5c57fff22fc.jpg)
Nails and brows!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/fe52541a80ae9f6d4668413814d6b9df.jpg)
Girl's day out

A little more shopping, then bunking at Cassie's so we can get a fairly early start on a bike ride in the morning. All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie
Great pics, Stephanie!  You look very cute in that pink dress!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 08, 2018, 05:54:04 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 05, 2018, 10:34:17 PM
Had an incredibly awesome girls day out with Cassie today. We both got dressed up - I got to wear the new pink dress I bought last week, accented with turquoise jewelry.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/a70397cafb94937f0d329230b1fe9391.jpg)
A terrible picture of me in my new dress.

The morning started with us both getting our nails done. Later, lunch at a neat little restaurant in the cool little town where Cassie works. Then shop shop shop. Not much buying, but lots of wandering and looking and girl talk. Then I got my brows waxed and tinted, followed by dinner at PF Chang's.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/a707327bc620cedc22f8a5c57fff22fc.jpg)
Nails and brows!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180506/fe52541a80ae9f6d4668413814d6b9df.jpg)
Girl's day out

A little more shopping, then bunking at Cassie's so we can get a fairly early start on a bike ride in the morning. All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie
I love hearing about your new normal life, Steph. It's wonderful to see you so happy.

Was the bike ride the pedalling kind or motorbike? I really miss having a motorbike.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 08, 2018, 07:43:31 PM
Thank you, friends, for the nice comments.

I've kind of fallen into another of my depression holes the last couple of days, and I was starting to feel like there was little point in posting anything on my thread, since while I was seeing all kinds of activity on the other personal threads, mine went strangely quiet. It looked like @dani was the last person reading mine. So thanks again for letting me know you're out there.

We were discussing why I'm feeling so bad lately. Some of it is due to some intense things going on in my life which I won't discuss here, but some of it may be the lack of any new milestones in my transition. I passed so many of them in quick succession, with always something new to work on, and suddenly everything slowed to a crawl. My quest for GCS is stalled, with the latest message, received yesterday, saying they'd get back to me by June 30th. Hair removal is going at a snail's pace, with the electrologist limiting herself to 1 hour a week, with me driving 2.5 hours round trip. I want to pursue hair grafts but don't know where to start.

On top of that, even among those who wholeheartedly support me the misgendering and deadnaming continue. Even worse, when I think about what others may say about me in the internal dialogs many of us play in our heads, they invariably use my old name and male pronouns. This is my own brain doing this to me.

All of these things have me doubting myself, and combined with the paranoia when I see someone looking sideways at me, has the old dysphoria peaking again.

I thought I was past all this, but too many things are hitting me all at once. Maybe I'll go hang out with Faith so we can share our miseries.

Sigh

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 08, 2018, 08:04:24 PM
 My Dear short S(((t)(e)ph)a)(ni)e,

  Is your refrigerator top cleaned off? You know the drill.  That's a good girl. Up you go.

  Now, what's all this I feel so bad nonsense? You know that kind of thing is no longer allowed for you. Yes I figure you are entitles to feel a little off from time to time, but you are not allowed to wallow in it until you feel like heck. You just stop it! You hear me? I said stop it and I mean stop it now! Your such a girl. If I wasn't one too I'd call you and emotional unstable teenager. This simply will not do.
  You have your support system and I know you know how to use it. Did you come to susan's and talk about what was bothering you? No. Did you reach out to Cassie or Kendra, or me or any number of others that might have been able to help? Well did you? You have the tools, Hun, now use them. You can get down from there when you do.

Lots of Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on May 08, 2018, 08:48:21 PM
QuoteMaybe I'll go hang out with Faith so we can share our miseries.

I heard something ... I think it was meaningful intent ...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 08, 2018, 08:56:33 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 08, 2018, 07:43:31 PM
Thank you, friends, for the nice comments.

I've kind of fallen into another of my depression holes the last couple of days, and I was starting to feel like there was little point in posting anything on my thread, since while I was seeing all kinds of activity on the other personal threads, mine went strangely quiet. It looked like @dani was the last person reading mine. So thanks again for letting me know you're out there.

We were discussing why I'm feeling so bad lately. Some of it is due to some intense things going on in my life which I won't discuss here, but some of it may be the lack of any new milestones in my transition. I passed so many of them in quick succession, with always something new to work on, and suddenly everything slowed to a crawl. My quest for GCS is stalled, with the latest message, received yesterday, saying they'd get back to me by June 30th. Hair removal is going at a snail's pace, with the electrologist limiting herself to 1 hour a week, with me driving 2.5 hours round trip. I want to pursue hair grafts but don't know where to start.

On top of that, even among those who wholeheartedly support me the misgendering and deadnaming continue. Even worse, when I think about what others may say about me in the internal dialogs many of us play in our heads, they invariably use my old name and male pronouns. This is my own brain doing this to me.

All of these things have me doubting myself, and combined with the paranoia when I see someone looking sideways at me, has the old dysphoria peaking again.

I thought I was past all this, but too many things are hitting me all at once. Maybe I'll go hang out with Faith so we can share our miseries.

Sigh

Stephanie

(((((HUG)))))

Im sorry you are in a slump, Steph. It is possible that all the excitement achieving your recent milestones has gotten you in a post adrenaline funk (that's a technical term by the way [emoji12] ). It's kind of like when people who work hard all their lives and then retire and don't know what to do with themselves. Of course, you still have some big milestones ahead of you (GCS comes to mind) but the milestones are no longer coming fast and furious as they have been. Enjoy the normal life you have found living as a woman. It has always been your dream. Your are living your dream now! The future milestones will all come in due course.

I am a little confused with your electrologist. Why is she limiting sessions to 1 hour per week? You previously mentioned that she would only do 1/2 hour per week. Is it to do with her schedule or the way your skin reacts to the treatment that she doesn't want to push the skin too hard. My sessions are down to 2.5 hours from 4 hours due to reaching my skin's limit and needing time to recover before the next session. We all have different skin types that react differently. What type of electrolysis are you doing? I am losing single probe thermolysis. Not saying one method is better than another but different methods may have different effect on skin reaction.

Please stop doubting yourself. Like Laurie said, you know what you need to do when you are down and need support. You know I am always here for you via PM or email or telephone. You have all my contact details.

Hope you feel better soon.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 08, 2018, 09:14:00 PM
Quote from: Faith on May 08, 2018, 08:48:21 PM
I heard something ... I think it was meaningful intent ...

I'll say nothing more. Such things tend to be misinterpreted around here.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 08, 2018, 09:17:52 PM
Quote from: Laurie on May 08, 2018, 08:04:24 PM
My Dear short S(((t)(e)ph)a)(ni)e,

  Is your refrigerator top cleaned off? You know the drill.  That's a good girl. Up you go.

  Now, what's all this I feel so bad nonsense? You know that kind of thing is no longer allowed for you. Yes I figure you are entitles to feel a little off from time to time, but you are not allowed to wallow in it until you feel like heck. You just stop it! You hear me? I said stop it and I mean stop it now! Your such a girl. If I wasn't one too I'd call you and emotional unstable teenager. This simply will not do.
  You have your support system and I know you know how to use it. Did you come to susan's and talk about what was bothering you? No. Did you reach out to Cassie or Kendra, or me or any number of others that might have been able to help? Well did you? You have the tools, Hun, now use them. You can get down from there when you do.

Lots of Hugs,
  Laurie

The fridge is too cluttered. No room for me up there. I'm sitting on the stove instead. I'm apparently in the hot seat.

Yes, there very likely are puberty issues involved. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, though.

I have done some reaching out privately, and my post was also part of that, I guess. Thanks for the hugs, anyway.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 08, 2018, 09:31:08 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 08, 2018, 08:56:33 PM
(((((HUG)))))

...you still have some big milestones ahead of you (GCS comes to mind) but the milestones are no longer coming fast and furious as they have been. Enjoy the normal life you have found living as a woman. It has always been your dream. Your are living your dream now! The future milestones will all come in due course.

I am a little confused with your electrologist. Why is she limiting sessions to 1 hour per week? You previously mentioned that she would only do 1/2 hour per week. Is it to do with her schedule or the way your skin reacts to the treatment that she doesn't want to push the skin too hard.

Please stop doubting yourself. Like Laurie said, you know what you need to do when you are down and need support. You know I am always here for you via PM or email or telephone. You have all my contact details.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you, Jayne. Yes, as I mentioned earlier, it was suggested to me that the time between affirming victories has stretched out, and I'm in withdrawal from all the "wins" I was experiencing. But there are other forces at play that are like some in your life, which are to be kept private between the individuals involved, and which are having a very powerful effect on my mood.

As for the electrologist, she limits herself to one hour sessions because of her carpal tunnel syndrome. She is willing to do two hours in one day if she can take a 20 minute break between them. And I'm limiting it to once a week because I can't afford all the time away from home. I think she's using the blend system, heat and RF, but I'm not sure.  So far my skin deals with it pretty well. She's a real sweetheart, but considering the drive and the time limits, I'm thinking of finding someone closer - which still means a 1/2 hour drive each way, but at least it's better than 1:15.

Yes, I am doubting myself and feeling like I'm being constantly clocked, but that doesn't mean I'm not out there and doing the best I can. Just tonight I ran another meeting of our flying club, so even though I'm constantly wondering what other people see, I will never ever willingly go back to being Steve. I have been where you are now, and I know how hard living in the Inbetween World is. Hopefully you can use me as an example for how it's possible to deal with it and eventually move past it.

Thank you again for the good wishes and the hugs.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on May 09, 2018, 04:21:14 PM
This is difficult on so many levels.  Life without any of these changes is still full of unexpected challenges.  And did I mention this is difficult on so many levels. 

What do others see - sometimes that does matter, but it's too easy to let that take over and tangle up the pursuit of happiness. 

And yes, here's a hug.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 09, 2018, 04:46:17 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 08, 2018, 09:31:08 PM
Thank you, Jayne. Yes, as I mentioned earlier, it was suggested to me that the time between affirming victories has stretched out, and I'm in withdrawal from all the "wins" I was experiencing. But there are other forces at play that are like some in your life, which are to be kept private between the individuals involved, and which are having a very powerful effect on my mood.

As for the electrologist, she limits herself to one hour sessions because of her carpal tunnel syndrome. She is willing to do two hours in one day if she can take a 20 minute break between them. And I'm limiting it to once a week because I can't afford all the time away from home. I think she's using the blend system, heat and RF, but I'm not sure.  So far my skin deals with it pretty well. She's a real sweetheart, but considering the drive and the time limits, I'm thinking of finding someone closer - which still means a 1/2 hour drive each way, but at least it's better than 1:15.

Yes, I am doubting myself and feeling like I'm being constantly clocked, but that doesn't mean I'm not out there and doing the best I can. Just tonight I ran another meeting of our flying club, so even though I'm constantly wondering what other people see, I will never ever willingly go back to being Steve. I have been where you are now, and I know how hard living in the Inbetween World is. Hopefully you can use me as an example for how it's possible to deal with it and eventually move past it.

Thank you again for the good wishes and the hugs.

Stephanie
Hi Steph,
I've sent you a PM.

With the electrolysis, are you considering doing 2 hour sessions giving the electrologist the 20 minute break she needs? If it's the blend method, you would have an electrode places probably on your arm to complete the electrical circuit for the RF component. Thermolysis (what I am doing) has no electrode, just the probe. The electrical current doesn't pass through me, it purely serves as a method to heat the probe to zap the hair follicle. I think both methods are just as effective as each other and comes down to what the technician is trained on and prefers to use. Finding someone closer could be a benefit. I travel 2 hours each way for my appointments, hence my longer sessions. My electrologist is awesome, I would travel that distance to see her even if there was someone closer to me.

Feeling that you are constantly being clocked is due to your own self doubts. Most people take their cues by the way you project yourself. If you seem nervous or looking around wondering who may be staring m, it will draw attention to yourself and then people will start looking closer. If you act as the confident woman you know you can be, then people don't notice anything because you are just someone going about your business not drawing attention. Who is this Steve person you are referring to?

Steph, you have helped me in many ways along my own journey. Thank you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on May 09, 2018, 07:01:39 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 08, 2018, 09:14:00 PM
I'll say nothing more. Such things tend to be misinterpreted around here.

Stephanie

noted
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 09, 2018, 11:00:53 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 09, 2018, 04:46:17 PMWith the electrolysis, are you considering doing 2 hour sessions giving the electrologist the 20 minute break she needs? If it's the blend method, you would have an electrode places probably on your arm to complete the electrical circuit for the RF component. Thermolysis (what I am doing) has no electrode, just the probe.

It must be the thermolysis, then. There are no electrodes. I have a regular one hour session scheduled next week, but I'll be talking to her then about ramping it up. You're leaving me in the dust, girl, and the sooner I can stop growing it out every weekend, the less dysphoria I'll have to deal with. Kendra was smart, getting it all done before she went full-time. Though I have to admit that my hair is so light colored that nobody has said a word or even seemed to notice after 3 days growth.

QuoteFeeling that you are constantly being clocked is due to your own self doubts. Most people take their cues by the way you project yourself. If you seem nervous or looking around wondering who may be staring m, it will draw attention to yourself and then people will start looking closer. If you act as the confident woman you know you can be, then people don't notice anything because you are just someone going about your business not drawing attention. Who is this Steve person you are referring to?

Well, the paranoia I experience isn't due to any stares or "point-and-laughs". Objective evidence indicates that I'm doing quite well. I put it to the test again today for lunch, with the hostess greeting Cassie and me with "Welcome, ladies," the young waiter treating us nicely, and a young mother from the next table giving us her unused free dessert coupon, which we put to good (and high-calorie) use. If I had been drawing attention to myself I doubt people would have treated us that well. It's the subjective and emotional side that I let build to too much drama. I know I'm prone to it and I do try to moderate it. I wasn't going to write anything about it here, but any time I hold back, I get scolded. On the other hand, when I cut loose I get scolded, too, so I've decided heck, it's my thread, I'll do what I wanna do.

QuoteSteph, you have helped me in many ways along my own journey. Thank you.

That's the second best thing I've heard all day!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 09, 2018, 11:04:33 PM
Quote from: Faith on May 09, 2018, 07:01:39 PM
QuoteQuote from: Steph2.0 on May 08, 2018, 10:14:00 pm
I'll say nothing more. Such things tend to be misinterpreted around here.

noted

But also note that I'll soon have a plane to fly, which makes a visit to south Florida a much easier proposition.

Just sayin',

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 09, 2018, 11:11:41 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 08, 2018, 05:54:04 PM
Was the bike ride the pedalling kind or motorbike? I really miss having a motorbike.

The goal was to get some exercise after we both decided we needed to shed some weight, so they were pedal bikes. I think Cassie has a regular cruiser, and I have an EZ Sport recumbent, which I just loves.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180510/d71d36f98947a291fc4ce5ad124d812f.jpeg)

Unfortunately we got rained out, and ended up vegetating and watching a movie instead. Oh well...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 09, 2018, 11:24:24 PM
 Uh huh I saw that veiled reference to me scolding you. You just wait young lady... You'll be sorry.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 09, 2018, 11:36:03 PM
Quote from: Laurie on May 09, 2018, 11:24:24 PM
Uh huh I saw that veiled reference to me scolding you. You just wait young lady... You'll be sorry.

Are you going to come back and give me a vicious hug?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 09, 2018, 11:59:46 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 09, 2018, 11:36:03 PM
Are you going to come back and give me a vicious hug?

Taunting me will not bode well for you Girl.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 10, 2018, 01:16:51 AM
Quote from: Laurie on May 09, 2018, 11:59:46 PM
Taunting me will not bode well for you Girl.

Me: More a hope than a taunt.
Audience: Awwwwwww!

They're on my side now...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 10, 2018, 08:00:16 AM
I ran another meeting of our flying club on Tuesday. It seemed appropriate that this was in the napkin holder in front of me:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180510/f55af421815e81e91479dede2e58be4c.jpg)

It does seem like I'm making this all up as I go along, though the guidance all of you give me helps a lot.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 10, 2018, 08:18:00 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 10, 2018, 08:00:16 AM
I ran another meeting of our flying club on Tuesday. It seemed appropriate that this was in the napkin holder in front of me:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180510/f55af421815e81e91479dede2e58be4c.jpg)

It does seem like I'm making this all up as I go along, though the guidance all of you give me helps a lot.

Stephanie

Stephanie:  I like your post and the message on the napkin holder. 
I would like to make all the rules but I have friends here that might want to make some of their own rules.   I guess the bottom line is that we have to do what is right for us while not interfering with the rights of others.
 
Your flying club, based on your interest and experience is really a neat thing for you to be involved in.  In our transistions it is important to get out there as there as our "new us" and make friends, and to be involved.

Thanks for sharing your good news posting.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 10, 2018, 09:22:14 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 09, 2018, 11:00:53 PM
It must be the thermolysis, then. There are no electrodes. I have a regular one hour session scheduled next week, but I'll be talking to her then about ramping it up. You're leaving me in the dust, girl, and the sooner I can stop growing it out every weekend, the less dysphoria I'll have to deal with. Kendra was smart, getting it all done before she went full-time. Though I have to admit that my hair is so light colored that nobody has said a word or even seemed to notice after 3 days growth.
You are lucky with your light coloured hair. Mine is black and becomes noticeable before the end of the day after shaving. Thankfully it is greatly thinned out now. I am now seeing the light at the end of this electrolysis tunnel.

Hopefully you can ramp up your sessions to get more done each time.

Quote
Well, the paranoia I experience isn't due to any stares or "point-and-laughs". Objective evidence indicates that I'm doing quite well. I put it to the test again today for lunch, with the hostess greeting Cassie and me with "Welcome, ladies," the young waiter treating us nicely, and a young mother from the next table giving us her unused free dessert coupon, which we put to good (and high-calorie) use. If I had been drawing attention to myself I doubt people would have treated us that well. It's the subjective and emotional side that I let build to too much drama. I know I'm prone to it and I do try to moderate it. I wasn't going to write anything about it here, but any time I hold back, I get scolded. On the other hand, when I cut loose I get scolded, too, so I've decided heck, it's my thread, I'll do what I wanna do.
Any chance some of this paranoia is teenager hormones related? If I count the 2 months of E I was taking before going to full transition dose, you and I started HRT at a similar time. I have been feeling a bit teenager like lately.

Quote
That's the second best thing I've heard all day!

Stephanie
What was the best thing, the free dessert coupon gifted to you? [emoji16]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 10, 2018, 09:25:51 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 09, 2018, 11:11:41 PM
The goal was to get some exercise after we both decided we needed to shed some weight, so they were pedal bikes. I think Cassie has a regular cruiser, and I have an EZ Sport recumbent, which I just loves.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180510/d71d36f98947a291fc4ce5ad124d812f.jpeg)

Unfortunately we got rained out, and ended up vegetating and watching a movie instead. Oh well...

Stephanie
What an odd looking bike. I have a regular looking road bike. I'm guessing your bike rides nicely if you love it so.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 10, 2018, 08:00:16 AM
I ran another meeting of our flying club on Tuesday. It seemed appropriate that this was in the napkin holder in front of me:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180510/f55af421815e81e91479dede2e58be4c.jpg)

It does seem like I'm making this all up as I go along, though the guidance all of you give me helps a lot.

Stephanie
I like the napkin!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 12, 2018, 09:41:30 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 10, 2018, 09:25:51 PM
What an odd looking bike. I have a regular looking road bike. I'm guessing your bike rides nicely if you love it so.

If you haven't tried a recumbent bike you're missing out. It's so comfortable to ride, with the backrest and the "fat-ass seat."

The nickname for recumbents is "bent bikes". The nickname for what you ride is "wedgie bikes" for obvious reasons.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 12, 2018, 09:52:54 PM
Ahhhh... today I finally got some airtime. My neighbor offered me flying privileges in return for getting her late husband's plane back in shape. After fixing some problems and thoroughly inspecting the plane, today the Dragon Lady and I joined our neighbors on a brunch flight out to an airport on the Gulf coast. Flying again was incredibly therapeutic.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180513/90cebf62cde787f97210b694fbbb192b.jpg)
Getting ready to fly!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180513/ddc1717591311fd4b00685713f405394.jpg)
The panel of the Aeroprakt A-22 Valor (and my manicured fingernails...)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180513/c5d00f9d7dab52d096a528bbff794401.jpg)
Me untying the plane before the flight home after a great brunch with friends.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 12, 2018, 10:03:10 PM
 Happy skies make for happy ladies. I am glad you got to go aloft once again.
You and Sue look very happy indeed.
Where is my ride?

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 12, 2018, 10:51:06 PM
Anniversaries

As I post this message, it will be exactly one year since I finally surrendered to the knowledge I'd had since I was about nine years old. A series of events finally built the angst too high to hold back, and it cascaded into a total meltdown as I openly admitted to myself that, after fifty years of fighting, hiding, distracting, and fooling myself, it was no longer possible to deny it: I am transgender.

Fifty years of pain, shame, and sadness avalanched. It buried everything else in my life, casting it all into insignificance. Nothing else mattered other than alleviating the terrible ache for which I'd known the reason, but was too terrified to address for almost all my life.

The next morning I made a list of everything I wanted to accomplish. I knew it would take years and years to work through them all. But I knew that no matter how long it took, if I didn't do anything, I wouldn't be here on this planet much longer. My plans had been made. I had a song picked out to play at my funeral. Life as it was was no longer bearable.

Years and years of plans. But today is just one year. What I have accomplished in that year was completely inconceivable then. I am living full-time as my true self. I am experiencing physical changes that have me in awe of what is possible with magical chemicals. My name is changed: all significant records - federal, state, local, business - show my true name - and gender! I haven't been misgendered by strangers in a very long time now (other than one strange exception). All my family, friends, neighbors, business associates know who I am now, and not one single person has rejected me. Why? I have no idea. I'm nobody special. It's actually a source of some guilt as I see people I respect struggling with such rejection.

So much hard work. So much focus. So much accomplished. And now, with all that done, I find myself almost rudderless. Yes, there are significant things yet to be checked off - GCS, hair grafts, some FFS? But the pace has slowed to the point where I can no longer allow myself the luxury of the tunnel vision I experienced for the last year. It's disorienting. And it gives me time to doubt myself. If you follow my thread you know how I've been struggling lately.

All it takes, though, is the reminder to ask myself this question: Would I go back to the way things were?

No. Emphatically NO.

Like waves in a river lock, the ripples still have their peaks and valleys - but the water is rising. Life exists on a higher plane now. And once in a while my joy overflows, and washes all pain, past and present, out of my life.

There will be other very significant anniversaries. I'll celebrate them here as they arrive. But few will be as significant as finally admitting to myself who I am - and giving myself permission to act on it.

All of us here are on similar journeys. Those who have gone before, thank you for your guidance. Those who are close by, thank you for sharing the road with me. And those who are following, take hope - if I can do it, you surely can, too.

Just one year. Unbelievable...

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, Female
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 12, 2018, 11:12:59 PM
  Congrats Stephanie! A year is awesome. Enjoy many many more sweetie.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 13, 2018, 02:11:42 AM
@Steph2.0   Stephanie, your last post was an absolute joy for me to read and also a joy for me that you shared your happiness and successes with all of us on your thread.  Truly an inspirational story that will bless your readers.

In your first year that you wrote so elegantly about... you had failures, frustrations, disappointments and you had determination and willpower to persevere and are now seeing successes, happiness and fulfillment to the extent that you probably couldn't have imagined before your transition plans.

And in one of your final statements....
I also, along with most of us here on Susan's would agree.... I would not want to go back to the way it was. 

Now you are liiving as the new you, Full-Time. 
It started out as a desire and a dream and it became a wish come true for you. :)

Thank you for posting this beautiful description of your first year.
Looking forward to your continued updates.... and, of course, pictures!!!
Wishing you well and sending you Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 13, 2018, 03:50:09 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 12, 2018, 10:51:06 PM
Anniversaries

As I post this message, it will be exactly one year since I finally surrendered to the knowledge I'd had since I was about nine years old. A series of events finally built the angst too high to hold back, and it cascaded into a total meltdown as I openly admitted to myself that, after fifty years of fighting, hiding, distracting, and fooling myself, it was no longer possible to deny it: I am transgender.

Fifty years of pain, shame, and sadness avalanched. It buried everything else in my life, casting it all into insignificance. Nothing else mattered other than alleviating the terrible ache for which I'd known the reason, but was too terrified to address for almost all my life.

The next morning I made a list of everything I wanted to accomplish. I knew it would take years and years to work through them all. But I knew that no matter how long it took, if I didn't do anything, I wouldn't be here on this planet much longer. My plans had been made. I had a song picked out to play at my funeral. Life as it was was no longer bearable.

Years and years of plans. But today is just one year. What I have accomplished in that year was completely inconceivable then. I am living full-time as my true self. I am experiencing physical changes that have me in awe of what is possible with magical chemicals. My name is changed: all significant records - federal, state, local, business - show my true name - and gender! I haven't been misgendered by strangers in a very long time now (other than one strange exception). All my family, friends, neighbors, business associates know who I am now, and not one single person has rejected me. Why? I have no idea. I'm nobody special. It's actually a source of some guilt as I see people I respect struggling with such rejection.

So much hard work. So much focus. So much accomplished. And now, with all that done, I find myself almost rudderless. Yes, there are significant things yet to be checked off - GCS, hair grafts, some FFS? But the pace has slowed to the point where I can no longer allow myself the luxury of the tunnel vision I experienced for the last year. It's disorienting. And it gives me time to doubt myself. If you follow my thread you know how I've been struggling lately.

All it takes, though, is the reminder to ask myself this question: Would I go back to the way things were?

No. Emphatically NO.

Like waves in a river lock, the ripples still have their peaks and valleys - but the water is rising. Life exists on a higher plane now. And once in a while my joy overflows, and washes all pain, past and present, out of my life.

There will be other very significant anniversaries. I'll celebrate them here as they arrive. But few will be as significant as finally admitting to myself who I am - and giving myself permission to act on it.

All of us here are on similar journeys. Those who have gone before, thank you for your guidance. Those who are close by, thank you for sharing the road with me. And those who are following, take hope - if I can do it, you surely can, too.

Just one year. Unbelievable...

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, Female
Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, congratulations on one amazing year. You have accomplished so much in such a short time. And look at you now, living my full time as your true self, all your documents changed to your real name and gender, so many friends and family supporting you, and above all else, you seem so happy to be alive.

Your feeling of being rudderless can be seen as a good thing. You are living your life as yourself without a huge list of things to do for your transition. You now have time to relax a little and enjoy everyday life the way it always should have been. There are still some big items on your to-do list, but they will come along at a less furious pace than the smaller (but still important) tasks behind you. Enjoy every minute, you have earned the right to be happy.

Thank you for sharing your stories and allowing us to be a part of your journey. It is a privilege watching you grow as you meet challenges and find ways to get passed any obstacles you encounter.

I'm proud of you.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on May 13, 2018, 06:21:53 AM
Off she goes, into the wild blue yonder!  Glad to see you are flying again.

Stephanie, it is hard to believe it has only been a year for you.  Wow, you have done so much in that year!  You can't keep up that pace for long, so it is understandable that things have slowed down for you.

We talk so much about transition here that it is easy to think that is all there is.  It is hard to remember that a transition, by definition, is temporary.  Afterwards, we revert to real life - the goal of the transition in the first place.  Real life has its ups and downs, and, with our history, there is a chance for some of the downs to be really down.  But I think you have found the answer to them:

QuoteWould I go back to the way things were?

No. Emphatically NO.

Just remind yourself of that any time you need to.

Happy landings!
Kathy
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 13, 2018, 09:10:58 AM
Thank you all for the nice comments!

Though there are few really big challenges to address - some of them the biggest there are! - I'm reminded almost every day that there are new things to address and new milestones to pass. Things that would be completely insignificant to anyone not going through what we are.

In the last two days:

I was reminded that the insurance policy for the plane I built still has my old name on it. The policy is held by the owner, but I'm a "named pilot" so everything is covered while I'm flying it. I emailed the broker and spelled it all out - here's the old name, here's the new name, here's the proof. The word "transgender" wasn't used, but the implication was obvious. Within a half hour I received an email addressed to Stephanie, with the promise it would be corrected immediately. One more down.

I have custody of that plane now to make some minor repairs. Through strange coincidences the woman who helps run the company was a peripheral acquaintance of mine in the "old days." She was smiley as I reintroduced myself to her at Sun-N-Fun, but our conversation then was short. I emailed her for a quote on some repair parts, and signed it Stephanie. Her reply was nice, but the attached invoice had the old name in the billing and shipping fields. sigh I bought the parts, and asked politely if she could change the name in their database. Within five minutes I had a reply. She was mortified that she hadn't seen that. "Darn it, I'm sorry about that.  I didn't even notice and that was insensitive of me.  I'll make the change right NOW!  Change is made!" Wow. I told her how much I appreciated that, and her reply was simply a heart emoji. It added another smile to my day.

I was pretty well-known at the Ace and TrueValue hardware stores in my small town, but the new Tractor Supply opened after I started transitioning. I've been avoiding them all for months, going to the big box stores in other towns where nobody knows me. Well, yesterday I needed some hardware, and it was ridiculous to drive an hour round-trip for one thing. I figured it was safe to try Tractor Supply, since it's not likely I'd be recognized. And of course they didn't have what I needed. Not much choice left. I drove to TrueValue just down the street, took a deep breath, and trooped in. As I walked in the door one of the ladies at the registers eyed me with a very unfriendly look. Uh ohhhhh... I smiled and strode by with a confident look as I wilted inside. I found what I needed, and, with another deep breath, headed for the checkout. And I watched the lady eye the guy two places ahead with a very unfriendly look. Then the guy in front of me, same thing. Oh, she hates everybody! About that time the other lady called me over to her register, and she was as sweet as the other one was sour. With a "have a great day," I was outta there. Whew! So there's another milestone. I just need to visit Ace and I'll be pretty much done with all the businesses I frequent here in town.

People are cool (except for Ms. Sourpuss at Truevalue)...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on May 13, 2018, 01:24:06 PM
Had to think about you being as excited as my two year old: ,,Airplane, Airplane!" all the time... and Rocket...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180513/537bd538b16fd0b4f5c867ebbfa3ab80.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180513/ab67974d6fdb646e52cb3c0b2907af30.jpg)

Smithsonian Air and Space Museum....
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 13, 2018, 01:36:56 PM
Quote from: sarah1972 on May 13, 2018, 01:24:06 PM
Had to think about you being as excited as my two year old: ,,Airplane, Airplane!" all the time... and Rocket...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180513/537bd538b16fd0b4f5c867ebbfa3ab80.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180513/ab67974d6fdb646e52cb3c0b2907af30.jpg)

Smithsonian Air and Space Museum....
Oh that place is soooooooo coooool! I was there back in 2006 and loved it!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 13, 2018, 09:34:54 PM
yeah the Smithsonian is cool I guess, but we have the Spruce Goose up here in Oregon.

Oh glad things are going better Stephanie,
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 13, 2018, 09:59:40 PM
Quote from: sarah1972 on May 13, 2018, 01:24:06 PM
Had to think about you being as excited as my two year old: ,,Airplane, Airplane!" all the time... and Rocket...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180513/537bd538b16fd0b4f5c867ebbfa3ab80.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180513/ab67974d6fdb646e52cb3c0b2907af30.jpg)

Smithsonian Air and Space Museum....

I think the last time I was at the SASM was back about 1999. I'd love to go back now, especially with the new annex out at the airport.

I admit it. You're absolutely right, Sarah. Anything aviation gets me excited. It's in the blood. It was kinda neat when I came out to one of my old flying buddies. I got a text message from him that said, "I am SO going to envy you! Do you have any idea how bad-ass the title, "Aviatrix," is? 😃"

So that's me: Stephanie, The Bad-ass Aviatrix!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 13, 2018, 10:19:20 PM
Sue and I decided to go to a sunflower maze today. We'd been to corn mazes before (AKA maize mazes) but had never seen one made from sunflowers before. It was pretty cool. They grow about 8-10 feet high and bend over, so it was like walking through cool leafy tunnels.

But the coolest part was a couple of 18-something girls who followed us in. At the first split we all ended up together, and they said, "OK, you girls go that way, and we'll go this way." We ran into them over and over, and every time we were addressed as "you girls." A couple of times we caught up with other groups, and invariably they moved aside so "we ladies" could go by. Squeee!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180514/589c4858e686ba393854bd8cf598bb09.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180514/20e889bed0dcfce222f63c26deed4146.jpg)

After we found our way out we wandered through the petting zoo and watched all the kids playing with the farmyard games, with phones only being used for pictures. At one point a group of folks asked me if I would take their picture, and when we were done, they all wished me a Happy Mother's Day. Double Squeee!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180514/220005ae6faee54d8e134d567c240b6d.jpg)

Later we stopped to do a little clothes shopping, and as we walked past the service counter we got a "How are you ladies today?"

Sorry... it just never gets old.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on May 15, 2018, 02:46:46 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 13, 2018, 10:19:20 PM
Sue and I decided to go to a sunflower maze today. We'd been to corn mazes before (AKA maize mazes) but had never seen one made from sunflowers before. It was pretty cool. They grow about 8-10 feet high and bend over, so it was like walking through cool leafy tunnels.

But the coolest part was a couple of 18-something girls who followed us in. At the first split we all ended up together, and they said, "OK, you girls go that way, and we'll go this way." We ran into them over and over, and every time we were addressed as "you girls." A couple of times we caught up with other groups, and invariably they moved aside so "we ladies" could go by. Squeee!


Later we stopped to do a little clothes shopping, and as we walked past the service counter we got a "How are you ladies today?"

Sorry... it just never gets old.


- Stephanie


It never gets old when it brings so much joy...that was such a cool touch to have those girls address you in the way they did. Its one of those things I don't get tired of experiencing! Sounds like you have a fabulous day

Take care

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 15, 2018, 06:10:16 PM
Hey there Stephanie, The Bad-ass Aviatrix!

Sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to your posts until now. It sounds like a group of us girls interested in aviation need to do a tour of all the cool museums. The Smithsonian obviously comes to mind, and there is that large goose over where that slap happy, fridgetop loving, Laurie is. I know there are other museums around the place but I can't think of them right now.

The maze you and Sue went to looks like fun. Pretty cool how those young girls kept referring to you "ladies".

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on May 15, 2018, 06:21:03 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 13, 2018, 10:19:20 PM
Later we stopped to do a little clothes shopping, and as we walked past the service counter we got a "How are you ladies today?"

Sorry... it just never gets old.

You are right, it never gets old!  I love being addressed as "ladies", "ma'am", or anything feminine.  Even "youse dames" would be good.  :)  I like the pics of the sunflower maze.

Quote from: Jayne01 on May 15, 2018, 06:10:16 PMIt sounds like a group of us girls interested in aviation need to do a tour of all the cool museums. The Smithsonian obviously comes to mind

I visited the Smithsonian aviation museum in 1990, but it looks like it is in new premises, judging by the recent photos.  Probably one or two new exhibits by now, too, I suppose.  The newest addition when I was there was the Rutan Voyager, the first plane to fly non-stop around the world.

One of these days, when I am able to visit that country...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 15, 2018, 09:06:15 PM
Back in 1999 we took our tiny Toyota motor home on a grand tour of aviation themed stops. So here's the plan, ladies. In three years when sanity returns and Kathy is willing to cross the border (and we are all fully transitioned and gorgeous and have won enough prize money in beauty contests to afford it), we do the same tour plus a few extras together:


Or just chuck it all and party at my place, along with airplane rides.

I'll be ready in any case!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on May 15, 2018, 09:13:09 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 15, 2018, 09:06:15 PM

Or just chuck it all and party at my place, along with airplane rides.

I'll be ready in any case!

Stephanie

Count me in for the airplane rides...any plane...any time!!  ;D

Sounds like a wonderful way to spend a few weeks and after winning all those beauty contests you will need an entourage just to go anywhere LOL


Take care


Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 15, 2018, 11:16:25 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 15, 2018, 09:06:15 PM
Back in 1999 we took our tiny Toyota motor home on a grand tour of aviation themed stops. So here's the plan, ladies. In three years when sanity returns and Kathy is willing to cross the border (and we are all fully transitioned and gorgeous and have won enough prize money in beauty contests to afford it), we do the same tour plus a few extras together:


  • Dayton Air Force Museum, Ohio
  • Smithsonian Air and Space Museum and Udvar-Hazy Annex at Dulles airport, Washington DC
  • Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum (with Space Shuttle prototype Enterprise), New York City
  • Hayden Planetarium, New York City
  • Kitty Hawk, North Carolina
  • Kennedy Space Center, Cape Canaveral, Florida
  • Stephanie's Aircraft Facility, Central Florida
  • Pensacola Naval Aviation Museum, Florida
  • Houston Space Center, Texas
  • Reno Air Races, Nevada
  • Evergreen Aviation and Space Museum (Hughes H-4 Hercules, "Spruce Goose"), McMinnville, Oregon
  • Boeing Museum, Seattle, Washington

Or just chuck it all and party at my place, along with airplane rides.

I'll be ready in any case!

Stephanie
Count me in. I'm calling shotgun on the road trip!!! [emoji16][emoji16][emoji16]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on May 16, 2018, 06:12:04 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 15, 2018, 09:06:15 PM
Back in 1999 we took our tiny Toyota motor home on a grand tour of aviation themed stops. So here's the plan, ladies. In three years when sanity returns and Kathy is willing to cross the border (and we are all fully transitioned and gorgeous and have won enough prize money in beauty contests to afford it), we do the same tour plus a few extras together:


  • Dayton Air Force Museum, Ohio
  • Smithsonian Air and Space Museum and Udvar-Hazy Annex at Dulles airport, Washington DC
  • Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum (with Space Shuttle prototype Enterprise), New York City
  • Hayden Planetarium, New York City
  • Kitty Hawk, North Carolina
  • Kennedy Space Center, Cape Canaveral, Florida
  • Stephanie's Aircraft Facility, Central Florida
  • Pensacola Naval Aviation Museum, Florida
  • Houston Space Center, Texas
  • Reno Air Races, Nevada
  • Evergreen Aviation and Space Museum (Hughes H-4 Hercules, "Spruce Goose"), McMinnville, Oregon
  • Boeing Museum, Seattle, Washington

Or just chuck it all and party at my place, along with airplane rides.

I'll be ready in any case!

Stephanie

You've got yourself a plan, sister.  Count me in!

I've been to the USAF museum in Dayton (in 1977).  They had very cool stuff then, and I'm sure more cool stuff now.  I'd love to visit the Intrepid museum in NY.  In addition to the Enterprise, they have an A-12, the spy plane that was way more secret than the SR71, and that flew higher and faster.  And who could resist the Kennedy Space Centre, and all those other places?

I suspect that the highlight of the trip would be Stephanie's Aircraft Facility.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 16, 2018, 10:28:08 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 15, 2018, 06:21:03 PMThe newest addition when I was there was the Rutan Voyager, the first plane to fly non-stop around the world.

I so admired Jeana Yaeger for doing the trip, but was heartbroken when she cut her hair for it!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on May 16, 2018, 12:01:17 PM
Count me in. Jayne called shotgun so I will grab the drivers seat, I must have seniority (señora(ty?)).

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 16, 2018, 12:02:47 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on May 16, 2018, 12:01:17 PM
Count me in. Jayne called shotgun so I will grab the drivers seat, I must have seniority (señora(ty?)).

Tia Anne

Ay! Chica Bonita!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 16, 2018, 10:38:48 PM
 Airplane rides?  No DON"T! IT's a trap designed to lure you to her den.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 16, 2018, 11:57:04 PM
Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2018, 10:38:48 PM
Airplane rides?  No DON"T! IT's a trap designed to lure you to her den.

Oh, unlike with someone we know on the west coast, there's nothing to worry about. The end result is this:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180517/238ecc3315330d2a04987d4009cccef5.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 17, 2018, 12:16:07 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 16, 2018, 11:57:04 PM
Oh, unlike with someone we know on the west coast, there's nothing to worry about. The end result is this:

Stephanie

Did I get my ride?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Denni on May 17, 2018, 09:02:57 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 16, 2018, 06:12:04 AM
You've got yourself a plan, sister.  Count me in!

I've been to the USAF museum in Dayton (in 1977).  They had very cool stuff then, and I'm sure more cool stuff now.  I'd love to visit the Intrepid museum in NY.  In addition to the Enterprise, they have an A-12, the spy plane that was way more secret than the SR71, and that flew higher and faster.  And who could resist the Kennedy Space Centre, and all those other places?

I suspect that the highlight of the trip would be Stephanie's Aircraft Facility.

OK, after a heads up yesterday from Tia Ann that there are other sisters here interested in aviation I am throwing my hat into the ring. Spent three years in USMC aviation, former member of EAA, many ventures to the fly in at Oshkosh, highlight being able to take a trip in their B-17, "Aluminum Overcast" and sitting in the left seat and flying her for 5 minutes. If everyone is able to put up with a physically presenting male but is all female inside this is a journey that I would love to be able to join in. I volunteer to be the driver and I think that Tia Ann will vouch for my driving after keeping her safe and sound during our travels yesterday, (we won't mention the railroad tracks will we Tia?) And i promise that I will deliver her safe and sound after our ventures today. Rent a small van/bus make all of the stops mentioned with time devoted to all, culminating at Stepanie's facility in Florida. Could be a trip of a lifetime, keep in mind that there are a few of us senior citizens in this propsed group so if we can get Kathy to hedge a little on her visit across the border it might help, lol. Not mentioning any names but there is someone that shares my birth month and year. Hint, she resides in a certain mountain state, I think they have a football team named the Bronco's if that helps. Hugs



Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on May 17, 2018, 09:28:44 AM
The only aeronautical claim I can make is the year I was conceived my father watched Tex Johnson perform a barrel roll in the Dash 80 (707) over Lake Washington in Seattle.


Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 17, 2018, 12:56:53 PM
Stephanie:  ...  I believe that you already are aware that I always enjoy lurking around your thread and have made reply posts from time to time...... and I just want you know that the reason recently that I have been basically silent about posting any pertinent replies on your thread is because I basically know very little about aviation but your stories and your followers stories and reply posts about aviation related things is interesting for me to read.... but I really can't add much that would make me sound intelligent ;)....
Please keep updating your thread... curious minds like mine want to know.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 01:05:51 PM
Quote from: Laurie on May 17, 2018, 12:16:07 AM
Did I get my ride?

I will never live that down. I had a good excuse, but apparently not good enough.

And apparently this wasn't good enough either:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180517/2000ee548be79d41ae182522dd0020d8.jpg)

Sigh. I try so hard but there's just no pleasing some people.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 01:32:04 PM
Quote from: Denni on May 17, 2018, 09:02:57 AMSpent three years in USMC aviation, former member of EAA, many ventures to the fly in at Oshkosh, highlight being able to take a trip in their B-17, "Aluminum Overcast" and sitting in the left seat and flying her for 5 minutes.

OMG, USMC aviation means helicopters, transport, or my absolute favorite modern warbird, the A-10 Warthog. Knowing I could fly an A-10 would be the only thing that would possibly motivate me through Marines boot camp. I doubt even that would have let me survive it...

Aluminum Overcast! When EAA first got it flying I met up with it in Kalamazoo, MI, closed my eyes and handed them my credit card. Back then they'd take six people up and each would get 10 minutes in the left seat with a CFI riding shotgun. I was flying ultralights then, so I didn't have a formal logbook, but if I had I would have had multi-engine Boeing time logged. It wasn't too long after that that FAA said, hey, you're not actually training, this is a joyride, no more tourists in the left seat. Now you can ride, but not fly.

Roll with that big old yoke was easy (tipping up that huge wing with those radials on it was awesome!), pitch was easy, but I had to stand all of my 145 lbs (back then) on the rudder pedals to make it yaw. I thought back to those 20-somethings who flew them in the war, and how exhausting that must have been on 10, 12, 14 hour flights in the freezing cold on oxygen at 25,000 feet - with people shooting at them!

Part of the deal was a flight jacket with the plane embroidered on the back. They were cut on the original patterns. I'm 5'5" and 150 lbs. My jacket is just a little big on me, and it's originally an XXL. People were smaller back then.

That jacket is one of the few things from my previous wardrobe I refuse to get rid of. It's not very feminine, but some day when I get to the point of male-fail, I'll get a new name tag for it and start wearing it again.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 01:35:50 PM
Quote from: Jessica on May 17, 2018, 09:28:44 AM
The only aeronautical claim I can make is the year I was conceived my father watched Tex Johnson perform a barrel roll in the Dash 80 (707) over Lake Washington in Seattle.

Wouldn't that have been cool to see?

Wait, you're not thinking the two events were related are you? How excited did your dad get about it, anyway?


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 01:46:13 PM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on May 17, 2018, 12:56:53 PM
Stephanie:  ...  I believe that you already are aware that I always enjoy lurking around your thread and have made reply posts from time to time...... and I just want you know that the reason recently that I have been basically silent about posting any pertinent replies on your thread is because I basically know very little about aviation but your stories and your followers stories and reply posts about aviation related things is interesting for me to read.... but I really can't add much that would make me sound intelligent ;)....
Please keep updating your thread... curious minds like mine want to know.
Hugs,
Danielle

Wow, really Danielle? All those bush pilots up there and you haven't been offered a ride in at least a Supercub yet? Offer a pilot a cup of coffee and one of your famous smiles and you'll be seeing your town from above in no time!


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on May 17, 2018, 02:04:25 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 01:35:50 PM
Wouldn't that have been cool to see?

Wait, you're not thinking the two events were related are you? How excited did your dad get about it, anyway?


- Stephanie

My dad was excited enough that I knew about years later.  The relation is that if you jump ahead nine months later...I was born.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 02:07:31 PM
Quote from: Jessica on May 17, 2018, 02:04:25 PM
My dad was excited enough that I knew about years later.  The relation is that if you jump ahead nine months later...I was born.

Does that make Tex your godfather?

Boeing boing boing...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on May 17, 2018, 02:24:36 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 02:07:31 PM
Does that make Tex your godfather?

Boeing boing boing...

You do know that he was the person they modeled after for the pilot in Dr. Strangelove
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 02:33:01 PM
Ups and downs...

...but mostly ups this week.

On Tuesday I told the lady with the hot needle to torture just my mustache and goatee area for an hour. I estimated about 500 hairs gone, but I'm still a bit swollen.

Afterward I met up with Cassie for a Thai lunch, then headed off for the weekly trivia contest. When I walked in the table full of cis-folks welcomed me with "Hey Steph, welcome back!" (I had to miss last week to run the flying club meeting.) It felt good to be just a part of the group - even though we lost miserably.

I mentioned in a different post about my B-17 flight jacket being one of the few things I couldn't part with. A while back I'd moved all of my old wardrobe out of my closet, but it only went as far as the closet in the guest room. I finally decided it was time that somebody else made use of those old clothes, so I sorted them out and prepared them for donation. I got pretty emotional. I should have been happy, but it felt like someone died. I was saying goodbye, and I cried as I sorted them out.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180517/e81bbb7c6b4bd0adf3c77511509f123f.jpg)

22 cargo shorts. 17 shirts. 8 pants. 3 jackets. 2 swim trunks. 2 belts. The exterior definition of a life. I could still wear almost all of it. But I won't. It's time to move on.

Then some good news. I passed the pencil test! My 36A's are pretty full now!

Getting past the old clothes issue, I now need something new to wear while working in the hangar in Florida heat. Here's one thing I came up with:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180517/51932922409a66703bba9fc9cb66333c.jpg)

And today, here I am while I doing the compression check for the annual condition inspection on the plane I'd built.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180517/bffea32ac4c47c3afda3fda9bb703401.jpg)

Which reminds me, time to get back to work before the boss yells at me.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: mm on May 17, 2018, 02:53:50 PM
Stephanie, great  you are now a full A cup, makes you feel better.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on May 17, 2018, 04:08:54 PM
Steph, I understand about getting rid of the clothes.  I've gotten rid of most of my boy clothes, but every so often, my wife will discover a drawer with some of "his" stuff.  Some of it, I'm reluctant to part with because it made me happy at the time I got it, or because I don't yet have a femme equivalent.  But, it's all gotta go, and maybe it will make someone else happy.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 02:33:01 PM
Then some good news. I passed the pencil test! My 36A's are pretty full now!
Wah!   :'(  I don't even pass a paperclip test yet.

But seriously, I'm happy for you.  You look great!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 17, 2018, 05:07:56 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 02:33:01 PM
Ups and downs...

...but mostly ups this week.

On Tuesday I told the lady with the hot needle to torture just my mustache and goatee area for an hour. I estimated about 500 hairs gone, but I'm still a bit swollen.
An hour only on your lip and chin? Ouch!!!!! It's good you could concentrate on that area, that is where it seems to be more dense than other areas.

Quote
I mentioned in a different post about my B-17 flight jacket being one of the few things I couldn't part with. A while back I'd moved all of my old wardrobe out of my closet, but it only went as far as the closet in the guest room. I finally decided it was time that somebody else made use of those old clothes, so I sorted them out and prepared them for donation. I got pretty emotional. I should have been happy, but it felt like someone died. I was saying goodbye, and I cried as I sorted them out.
I have never had any kind of emotional attachment to clothes. Clothes were always something practical, keep me warm or just to prevent me from being naked. I had zero fashion sense and despised shopping, so I wore my clothes until they pretty much fell apart. I am now developing a real love for fashion and shopping. Who knew all these years the problem was that I had clothes from the wrong side of the store? [emoji846]

Quote
Then some good news. I passed the pencil test! My 36A's are pretty full now!
Ok, I need to know......what is the pencil test????

BTW, you are look my good Steph! Rocking the aircraft mechanic look!

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 05:48:05 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 17, 2018, 05:07:56 PM
An hour only on your lip and chin? Ouch!!!!! It's good you could concentrate on that area, that is where it seems to be more dense than other areas.

It's also among the most painful, and the hardest for me to shave. I want it done and out of the way. The rest should be easier... I hope.

QuoteI have never had any kind of emotional attachment to clothes. Clothes were always something practical, keep me warm or just to prevent me from being naked.

I longed to transition for so long that I did whatever I could to feminize my clothes, within what I could allow to show. It wasn't much. My old work uniform when I was in IT was Dockers and button-down Oxford shirts. But the Dockers were always pleated - to hide the junk I wasn't proud of, and to emphasize the hips. It was little enough, but made me feel a little better. It was all those memories of the old pain, plus the things I did while wearing this or that, that finally got to me.

QuoteOk, I need to know......what is the pencil test????

Can you hold a pencil in the fold under the girls? It's a test teenage girls use to see if its time for a bra yet.

QuoteBTW, you are look my good Steph! Rocking the aircraft mechanic look!

Awww thanks, Jayne. If I hear it enough, maybe some day I'll actually believe it!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 17, 2018, 06:12:16 PM
You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 06:27:18 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 17, 2018, 06:12:16 PM
You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

You look good Steph!

It would be more impressive if I didn't know about copy/paste.

But thanks anyway. It does help!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 17, 2018, 06:30:59 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 06:27:18 PM
It would be more impressive if I didn't know about copy/paste.

But thanks anyway. It does help!
Oh girl! You are hard to please!

You look good Stephanie!

Stephanie, you look great!

Your appearance is very feminine!

You are rocking the female aircraft mechanic look!


Is that better?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 17, 2018, 06:44:05 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 17, 2018, 06:30:59 PM
Oh girl! You are hard to please!

You look good Stephanie!

Stephanie, you look great!

Your appearance is very feminine!

You are rocking the female aircraft mechanic look!


Is that better?

Careful @Jayne01 , You will spoil her and she'll expect all of us to do it. Keep it up and I'll slap ya.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 06:46:01 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 17, 2018, 06:30:59 PM
Oh girl! You are hard to please!

You look good Stephanie!

Stephanie, you look great!

Your appearance is very feminine!

You are rocking the female aircraft mechanic look!


Is that better?

It doesn't matter what Laurie says about you, Jayne. I love you anyhow.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 17, 2018, 08:43:09 PM
Slap her @Jayne... slap her good
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 10:29:19 PM
Quote from: Laurie on May 17, 2018, 08:43:09 PM
Slap her @Jayne... slap her good

I loooove yoooou tooo, Laurie Jeanette Wickwire!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 18, 2018, 02:04:09 AM
Quote from: Laurie on May 17, 2018, 08:43:09 PM
Slap her @Jayne... slap her good
I can't do that, I wouldn't want to steal away your fun. We all know how much you enjoy giving out slaps. Besides, a little birdie told me she prefers hugs to slaps, go figure!!! What can I say, she's an odd one, but we love her.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on May 18, 2018, 02:12:40 AM
Oh all right  I'll let her get away with it this time. But if I do it too often I'll lose my MeanRotten certification.
She is kind of cute and lovable....
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 18, 2018, 09:37:06 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 17, 2018, 06:30:59 PM
Oh girl! You are hard to please!

You look good Stephanie!

Stephanie, you look great!

Your appearance is very feminine!

You are rocking the female aircraft mechanic look!


Is that better?

I joke around, Jayne, but it is nice to hear. You know from our back-channel communication that I have a hard time believing such things - so many people will bend the truth to make you feel good. But that doesn't mean I want you to stop. Real or not, it never hurts to be told you're doing ok.

So here I am, wishing you a great day.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180518/0c2df97be065ffcf5d4e0df176ddd3f5.jpg)

I just got back from the DMV to get tags and title for Christine, the trailer from Hell, and was correctly gendered by everyone. Yays!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 18, 2018, 03:32:52 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 18, 2018, 09:37:06 AM
I joke around, Jayne, but it is nice to hear. You know from our back-channel communication that I have a hard time believing such things - so many people will bend the truth to make you feel good. But that doesn't mean I want you to stop. Real or not, it never hurts to be told you're doing ok.

So here I am, wishing you a great day.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180518/0c2df97be065ffcf5d4e0df176ddd3f5.jpg)

I just got back from the DMV to get tags and title for Christine, the trailer from Hell, and was correctly gendered by everyone. Yays!

Stephanie
Nice photo Steph. I know you joke around sweetie. We all like to have some fun. Our journeys should be enjoyed. You should also know that I won't lie to you for the sake of a compliment. If I have something to say to you which I feel you may not like, I will tell you privately in a PM so as not to make you feel bad in public. But I will always be truthful, I take great pride in being honest with people.

Does Christine like being referred to as the trailer from hell? Maybe you should paint a little logo on her, consisting of some horns. [emoji12]

Take care sis,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on May 18, 2018, 03:35:25 PM
that comes as no surprise to me BTW does the trailer mend itself over night?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on May 18, 2018, 05:47:41 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 02:33:01 PM
Ups and downs...

...but mostly ups this week.

On Tuesday I told the lady with the hot needle to torture just my mustache and goatee area for an hour. I estimated about 500 hairs gone, but I'm still a bit swollen.

Afterward I met up with Cassie for a Thai lunch, then headed off for the weekly trivia contest. When I walked in the table full of cis-folks welcomed me with "Hey Steph, welcome back!" (I had to miss last week to run the flying club meeting.) It felt good to be just a part of the group - even though we lost miserably.

I mentioned in a different post about my B-17 flight jacket being one of the few things I couldn't part with. A while back I'd moved all of my old wardrobe out of my closet, but it only went as far as the closet in the guest room. I finally decided it was time that somebody else made use of those old clothes, so I sorted them out and prepared them for donation. I got pretty emotional. I should have been happy, but it felt like someone died. I was saying goodbye, and I cried as I sorted them out.

22 cargo shorts. 17 shirts. 8 pants. 3 jackets. 2 swim trunks. 2 belts. The exterior definition of a life. I could still wear almost all of it. But I won't. It's time to move on.

Then some good news. I passed the pencil test! My 36A's are pretty full now!

Getting past the old clothes issue, I now need something new to wear while working in the hangar in Florida heat. Here's one thing I came up with:



Which reminds me, time to get back to work before the boss yells at me.


- Stephanie

Hi Steph

Let me reiterate and I am not just saying this to be nice...you look great girl!!!

The whole process of throwing the old male clothes out felt really cleansing for me. It seemed to mark a point of progress forward as well as a point of no return. All in all I have not regretted one second of doing it. I am sure you are feeling pretty good  knowing that this part of your life is over...onwards and upwards.


Well done


Did I tell you that you not only look great but so happy... :D


Take care


Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Denni on May 19, 2018, 08:46:27 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 01:32:04 PM
OMG, USMC aviation means helicopters, transport, or my absolute favorite modern warbird, the A-10 Warthog. Knowing I could fly an A-10 would be the only thing that would possibly motivate me through Marines boot camp. I doubt even that would have let me survive it...

Aluminum Overcast! When EAA first got it flying I met up with it in Kalamazoo, MI, closed my eyes and handed them my credit card. Back then they'd take six people up and each would get 10 minutes in the left seat with a CFI riding shotgun. I was flying ultralights then, so I didn't have a formal logbook, but if I had I would have had multi-engine Boeing time logged. It wasn't too long after that that FAA said, hey, you're not actually training, this is a joyride, no more tourists in the left seat. Now you can ride, but not fly.

Roll with that big old yoke was easy (tipping up that huge wing with those radials on it was awesome!), pitch was easy, but I had to stand all of my 145 lbs (back then) on the rudder pedals to make it yaw. I thought back to those 20-somethings who flew them in the war, and how exhausting that must have been on 10, 12, 14 hour flights in the freezing cold on oxygen at 25,000 feet - with people shooting at them!

Part of the deal was a flight jacket with the plane embroidered on the back. They were cut on the original patterns. I'm 5'5" and 150 lbs. My jacket is just a little big on me, and it's originally an XXL. People were smaller back then.

That jacket is one of the few things from my previous wardrobe I refuse to get rid of. It's not very feminine, but some day when I get to the point of male-fail, I'll get a new name tag for it and start wearing it again.


- Stephanie

Stephanie, you were correct, spent two and one half years at MCAF in Santa Ana, Ca. We had the CH-46 Chinook mediums and the H-53 Stallion, (Jolly Green's) there. That facility has since been closed along with the base at El Toro three miles away. El Toro had the fixed wings, my ultimate adrenaline buzz wish, remains to this day, to be back seat in a F-4 Phantom with a twin burner take off. Watched them many times from the end of the run way, what a rush.

My jacket from the flight remains with me today along with the picture they took of me flying from the left seat, I am envious though, you had an additional five minutes, hah. My time was cut short when we came upon a flock of pelicans over Lake Winnebago, for some reason they wanted an experienced pilot flying her then, imagine that, lol, oh well, one of the highlights I will never forget. Like you the thoughts that I had sitting there and realizing what those men went through during those bomb runs, it took an incredible amount of courage. For the men who made it to their 25th mission I cannot imagine the thoughts they had of just one more run to get through. Sorry to hear that they can no longer give the experience to others of actually flying her, though the flight alone is something to experience.

Just had the pleasure of spending two days together with a friend of yours, Tia Ann and her wife Deb. They are two of the most wonderful individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Tia started HRT three months before I did, mine was 9/1/16, (new birthday), we share the same birth year and month, so yes we are the senior citizen's of Susan's. After a epic melt down yesterday I guess I am now part of the crazy old ladies club also. Hugs
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 19, 2018, 09:12:47 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on May 18, 2018, 03:32:52 PM
Nice photo Steph. I know you joke around sweetie. We all like to have some fun. Our journeys should be enjoyed. You should also know that I won't lie to you for the sake of a compliment. If I have something to say to you which I feel you may not like, I will tell you privately in a PM so as not to make you feel bad in public. But I will always be truthful, I take great pride in being honest with people.

Thank you, Jayne. I'm trying to discipline myself to take criticism as it's intended and not let it hurt. I'm learning to appreciate loving candor. In my old world, people would would say things that sounded mean with no empathy behind them. I've made so many friends now who really care, and things are so much better.

QuoteDoes Christine like being referred to as the trailer from hell? Maybe you should paint a little logo on her, consisting of some horns.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180519/bb9249cbe848b1a8a3993d1c1b0d7866.jpg)



- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 19, 2018, 09:30:44 AM
Quote from: davina61 on May 18, 2018, 03:35:25 PM
that comes as no surprise to me BTW does the trailer mend itself over night?

Awww, thank you, Davina. With all the nice feedback I'm starting to feel like I'm doing ok for a 59 year old lady.

I can only wish Christine would fix herself. So far she's cost me $600 above the buying price, and the electrical system still blows GFIs when I plug it in. But it'll be awesome when I get it all working. Almost there.

Added bonus: it makes a nice guest house for visitors...


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 19, 2018, 09:54:42 AM
Quote from: Denni on May 19, 2018, 08:46:27 AM...my ultimate adrenaline buzz wish, remains to this day, to be back seat in a F-4 Phantom with a twin burner take off...

My jacket from the flight remains with me today along with the picture they took of me flying from the left seat, I am envious though, you had an additional five minutes, hah. My time was cut short when we came upon a flock of pelicans over Lake Winnebago, for some reason they wanted an experienced pilot flying her then, imagine that, lol, oh well, one of the highlights I will never forget...

Just had the pleasure of spending two days together with a friend of yours, Tia Ann and her wife Deb. They are two of the most wonderful individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Tia started HRT three months before I did, mine was 9/1/16, (new birthday), we share the same birth year and month, so yes we are the senior citizen's of Susan's. After a epic melt down yesterday I guess I am now part of the crazy old ladies club also. Hugs

Are they really still flying the Wild Weasels? They've been around a long time. I imagine the only thing more awesome would be a cat shot off the deck, but that's for the nasal radiators. [emoji12]

Sorry to hear your B-17 flight was cut short. Wouldn't want to see you pull a Sully in Lake Winnebago! Birds have no respect for flight plans.

After we landed we learned that one of the passengers had been a tail gunner in the war. His family had bought him the ride and were all there. The crew let him crawl back to his old position. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Very cool you got to hang out with Tia and Deb. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Deb yet, but I hope to rectify that before too long. We spent happy hours with Tia in Phoenix when we visited Kendra, and I learned so much from her about human interaction and empathy. I still call it "Channeling Tia" when I make the effort to strike up conversations with strangers. It's not an easy thing for me, but the benefits are well worth the effort.

Sorry to hear about your meltdown. I had mine last week, and a dear friend was struggling earlier this week. It's a too-common occurrence among those of us dealing with these issues.

Oh, while the year may be different (though not by much), we do share the same month. 9/3 for me.


- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 19, 2018, 10:42:13 AM
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 18, 2018, 05:47:41 PM
Let me reiterate and I am not just saying this to be nice...you look great girl!!!

Wow, thanks Liz. I really don't know what else to say. Sometimes I'm happy with the mirror, but more often my self-esteem issues keep me from feeling good about it. All this positive feedback is heartening. Learning to love myself after half a century of the opposite is going to take a while. But I get by with a little help from my friends. (Sounds familiar somehow...)

QuoteThe whole process of throwing the old male clothes out felt really cleansing for me. It seemed to mark a point of progress forward as well as a point of no return. All in all I have not regretted one second of doing it. I am sure you are feeling pretty good  knowing that this part of your life is over...onwards and upwards.

Well done

Getting them out of my main closet was very liberating, but like a security blanket, it was comforting to know they were close by. Getting them out of my life entirely is much harder, but ultimately good for me. Some time this week I'll never see them again.

QuoteDid I tell you that you not only look great but so happy... :D

Why yes, I do believe I've heard that first part before, though it never seems to get old. You may continue.

As for the second part... yes, I'm beginning to think you're right. It's strange the way things have progressed. I was so joyful to start HRT, find all the acceptance when I came out, get my name changed... but then the excitement slowed down and I kind of fell into a valley. Not of despair exactly, but a feeling of something lacking, of doubts, likely due to the old self-confidence issues I've lived with forever that had been masked by the mad rush to move forward early in the process. Now I'm slowly realizing that maybe things will be all right, and though the exuberance may be gone, what seems to be growing in its place is a kind of peace... or contentment, and maybe even a little pride.

I have so many people to thank for that. Despite struggling with their own occasional challenges, they find it in their hearts to help me, and that drives me to try to help them, too. That kind of friendship and love is just priceless.



- Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 19, 2018, 11:05:01 AM
snipped: 
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 17, 2018, 02:33:01 PM
Ups and downs...

...but mostly ups this week.
........
I mentioned in a different post about my B-17 flight jacket being one of the few things I couldn't part with. A while back I'd moved all of my old wardrobe out of my closet, but it only went as far as the closet in the guest room. I finally decided it was time that somebody else made use of those old clothes, so I sorted them out and prepared them for donation. I got pretty emotional. I should have been happy, but it felt like someone died. I was saying goodbye, and I cried as I sorted them out.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180517/e81bbb7c6b4bd0adf3c77511509f123f.jpg)

22 cargo shorts. 17 shirts. 8 pants. 3 jackets. 2 swim trunks. 2 belts. The exterior definition of a life. I could still wear almost all of it. But I won't. It's time to move on.

Then some good news. I passed the pencil test! My 36A's are pretty full now!

- Stephanie

Stephanie, that is a big step forward for you to finally discard your old male clothes and shoes.  When I came out full-time in December 2016 and immediately quit my old male-job I got rid of everything that I had that was male specific, clothing, shoes, jewelry, etc... and then relocated to my present small town with only female attire and as a woman to start my own business.

There is a lesson here from history:

When the Spanish explorer Cortez landed in the New World with his armada of ships and men, he burnt his ships, thus giving his men a very clear message that there was no going back.

Thank you for providing all of us with you thread and your successful and  continuing story of your journey....   
I love your latest pictures too... you look absolutely beautiful and wonderfully female.
Hugs,
Danielle

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 19, 2018, 12:17:14 PM
"All the Girls in the Family"

My mom is a "Florida Snowbird." For those who don't know what that means, she spends the winter here in Florida, and summer back up north where I grew up. She'll be leaving again soon (yes, for those of you living upside-down, our summer is just beginning). My sister also lives up north, but happened to be attending a conference in Orlando this week. We arranged to meet for dinner last night. It's the first time we've ever gotten all the girls in the family together.

There was Mom, my sister, my wife, new family member @SassyCassie, me... and Mom's hubby, of course. He may have felt a little awkward...

I wanted to make a nice impression. I wasn't sure what the appropriate dress code was, so I texted my sister about it. She wrote back she was wearing a sundress and sandals. That was it. I wrote back, "Me too!", and got out the sunflower dress I'd worn on Easter Sunday. I'd never worn anything quite like it in public before, and I was concerned about my shoulders, considering it's sleeveless.

Any time I started getting nervous on the 45 minute drive, I'd give myself a little pep talk, straighten up, and take ownership of my femininity. I recited my name to myself, and remembered the kind things I'd been told recently by all my dear friends.

We met at Mom's place ("You mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!"), where I was misgendered by Mom only once - quickly self-corrected - then arranged transportation to the restaurant in The Villages, a humongous retirement community I've written about before. (It's where I also participate on the Trivia team on Tuesdays.) I drove myself because Cassie and I have a habit of visiting Starshmucks after dinner, and nobody else was interested.

The town squares in the Villages have a lot of shops, many with dark backgrounds behind the windows, which make them excellent mirrors. And on the walk to the restaurant I marveled at the woman I saw in the flowery sundress with her hair moving in the breeze, striding confidently down the sidewalk and smiling at everyone. Her shoulders didn't look that bad, and she sure looked happy.

I took the whole crowd to a Japanese teppanyaki steakhouse. Everything went perfectly at dinner, with good conversation, a fun show, excellent food, and correct gendering all around. Many smiles ensued.

At one point the chef made a pile of onion rings to make a little flaming volcano. Before he lit it, he asked us to make a wish. Remember my story about the shooting star? I was at a loss, and it was a joyful realization.

We wanted to get pictures, but we stepped outside into a rainstorm. We did the best we could on the little bench under the awning outside, but regretfully we never had a chance to get everyone in the same picture. I was bummed out about that later, but there will be other opportunities.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180519/4f53239875ce32f2b89593c3a2763777.jpg)
My sister, me, Mom, and Cassie. Unfortunately, Sue took the pictures and never made it into any.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180519/e09b562bbf16c251059d3264a5e9e720.jpg)
I was caught with a strange look on my face, and those shoulders could use some sun, but I like this one anyhow.

After hugs and kisses, the rest of the entourage went back to the trailer park. Cassie and I were pulled - against our will, I assure you - into a Peterbrooke Chocolatier store where we ladies were give the tour and were forced to shell out hard-earned cash for things that we fought but ultimately lost against.

We then marched with our ill-gotten gains to Starshmucks to drink caffeine and enjoy, despite our best efforts, what was in that heavenly-scented bag. Conversation and sharing pictures from old photo albums on phones, and then it was time to brave the rain again and head to our respective homes.

As we huddled under the single umbrella on the way to the parking lot, I shared with Cassie the story I've told here before and I'll make you sit through again: it was some time last year when Sue and I were sitting in a restaurant in this exact place. I was dressed in women's jeans and a women's white button-down top. Still presenting male, but trying to make myself feel better with the wardrobe. It was a warm evening, and a band was playing in the square. I watched a woman wearing a pretty sundress swaying to the music as she moved down the sidewalk, and I knew - I knew, with absolutely no doubt, that I would never be her. I held it together until we got home, then had a terrible meltdown.

Yet here I was, less than a year later. And I was her. It was too rainy for music in the square, but I was the girl in the sundress. It was a moment to pause and wonder at.

When we got to my car, an old guy pulled up in his truck. He rolled down his window and asked if we ladies had been with the group of women who had helped him and his wife with some problem they'd had earlier. If so he wanted to thank us. We had to tell him no, but we did so joyfully. He waved and was on his way. As we were shortly after.

When I got home text messages flew around reporting successful arrivals after dealing with heavy rains and traffic. And I received a big heart emoji after texting this to my sister:

I wish it hadn't taken 50 years to understand how wonderful it is to have a sister... and to be one. Thank you.

Starting the morning with the perfectly-gendered visit to the DMV where I'd gotten my new drivers license a few months ago, and ending with a wonderful dinner followed by some quiet time with my dear friend, made it a perfect day. Even the rain couldn't dampen my spirits.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on May 19, 2018, 02:17:17 PM
aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on May 19, 2018, 02:19:05 PM
Through a lot of soul searching, decisions, hard work and determination and patience... you earned today.  Every bit of it. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on May 20, 2018, 08:57:49 PM
Steph, while we were sitting there, enjoying our coffees and confections and sharing our old photos, I noticed something. I mentioned it to you that night, but I'd like to point this out in reference to your newfound comfort level with...you.

The old pictures from the "before" times used to make you sad. They used to make me sad too but they haven't in quite some time. I noticed it was not having that effect on you anymore and it made me smile.

I'm so thankful for you and the rest of your family who so readily adopted me back when I feared I would have none of my own, going forward. I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me, after at one point having expected to face all of the challenges ahead on my own. All of you are a huge part of my "new normal" and I love you all!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 21, 2018, 03:04:25 PM
Quote from: SassyCassie on May 20, 2018, 08:57:49 PMThe old pictures from the "before" times used to make you sad. They used to make me sad too but they haven't in quite some time. I noticed it was not having that effect on you anymore and it made me smile.

I surprised myself as well sitting there. The power of the memories that those pictures dredged up seem to be fading. Maybe they're being overwhelmed by the new memories being created every day. There are few days that go by without some sort of memorable event so there are a lot of them lately.

Possibly much of the sadness was caused by what I've written about here before: the simplicity of that former life. No worries about presentation, just throw on some clothes and go. There's also the knowledge of the underlying pain that was always there. As I progress, presentation gets slightly easier each day, and that old pain is being actively addressed. So it gets a little better each day.

QuoteI'm so thankful for you and the rest of your family who so readily adopted me back when I feared I would have none of my own, going forward. I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me, after at one point having expected to face all of the challenges ahead on my own. All of you are a huge part of my "new normal" and I love you all!

And you're loved right back! I can't imagine how terrible it must have felt thinking all this would have to be faced alone. I'm glad we have each other to lean on.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on May 21, 2018, 03:28:48 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 21, 2018, 03:04:25 PM
Possibly much of the sadness was caused by what I've written about here before: the simplicity of that former life. No worries about presentation, just throw on some clothes and go. There's also the knowledge of the underlying pain that was always there. As I progress, presentation gets slightly easier each day, and that old pain is being actively addressed. So it gets a little better each day.
I think the supposed simplicity of that life may be an illusion.  You touch on that when you mention the pain that lurked in the background. 

Part of the simplicity, for me, was in fact apathy.  It was easy to just throw on some clothes when I just didn't give a damn how I looked.  And the reason I didn't give a damn was because I knew that nothing I did would make me look right.  Anything that made me look pretty was strictly prohibited.  Caring how I looked was pointless, so why bother making an effort? 

The simplicity of that life was an illusion that concealed the complex net of rules and requirements, both external and internal, that governed my life and held me trapped.  I don't feel at all nostalgic for that.  Not a bit.  Good riddance to it all. 

Yes, it takes me a minute or two before I go out to choose an outfit, and a few minutes to apply my face and hair.  But this is so much better.  I am glad it's getting better for you, too.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on May 21, 2018, 06:09:55 PM
Kathy, as usual, you described it beautifully. The small amount of extra time putting myself together is an added bonus to not having him in the house and our lives anymore.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on May 21, 2018, 08:49:17 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 21, 2018, 03:04:25 PM

Possibly much of the sadness was caused by what I've written about here before: the simplicity of that former life. No worries about presentation, just throw on some clothes and go. There's also the knowledge of the underlying pain that was always there. As I progress, presentation gets slightly easier each day, and that old pain is being actively addressed. So it gets a little better

Stephanie

I can certainly relate to this...I was in the "don't care" camp and in fact I had a really bad reputation for not caring at all. My mother in law was always telling funny ante dotes about how little care I took with my appearance   

We all seemed to get used to that underlying pain as just a normal part of our lives. Maybe because we don't know any better. Not caring about our appearance belied a deeper more dangerous problem that for me extended to my physical health and my need for self preservation was also not strong...Like many others I didn't really care.

Since beginning my transition I have found I genuinely do care now and also for my general well-being.  I am glad to see that you too are able to break through to a more positive you!

Take care

Liz


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Denni on May 23, 2018, 08:56:20 AM
Steph, I can relate to your posting of sitting there a year ago wearing the clothing that made you feel more comfortable, jeans, and top, but wishing for more with that sun dress. That is where I am at in my life, probably about 60% of my wardrobe now consists of womens rather than male clothing. I will do everything that I can to make that possible when I dress, I am happy for you that you have been able to take that step and able to now present as the female that you are.
I am confortable with where I am at with my transition but there is always that thought in the background of, wouldn't it be nice????????? I could see that with Tia last week during our time together, the joy of her being able to be finally free of being the male that we never understood, and finally realizing and presenting as who we have always longed to be. Hugs,  Denni
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on May 24, 2018, 06:34:19 AM
Steph! I had to break my lurking streak to touch base with you. That and to remind you that I continuously read your thread.

:icon_wave:
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on May 25, 2018, 10:42:37 AM
Friends,

I've gotten one or two concerned messages behind the scenes so I need to make a quick post. I'm sorry for yet another neurotic entry.

I'm struggling and have had some very disturbing thoughts in the last three days or so. My therapist calls it post-transition blues, though I hardly feel like I'm anywhere near finished. Though she hasn't given an actual diagnosis, she says the symptoms lean toward situational or even clinical depression. There are other things going on that are amplifying the sadness. There are also some things here that are triggering. It's nothing anyone is doing, and I want to be happy for all the successes that are being posted. It's more the way my head is seeing how well everyone else is doing in comparison. Until I can work myself out of this it seems best to me, and my therapist agrees, to take a break from the group.

I love you all and wish you all the best. I hope to come back again, hopefully sooner than later. Be well.

S
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on May 25, 2018, 11:47:26 AM
Oh no, Stephanie! So sorry to hear. Big Hug!!

First I do want to let you know, I think you are still storming ahead and you have made so much incredible progress. No need to hide or feel bad.

Second - I completely understand what you are going through. I did go through the same motions since March (with some added complications). I finally figured out what is going on: The adrenalin rush from the early days of transition are simply gone and I have arrived at a plateau of "normal". No more being scared and relieved telling anyone I am trans, no more being scared and then relieved to wear a dress in public or use the ladies room. It is just all normal now (almost at least). I also know my next steps are most likely years away. Add too that the emotions of a 14-year-old and I was a total mess.

I had to add some new excitement and reflect on my accomplishments to start getting over this dark phase I had. And that is maybe the best advice I can give you: Find something new and exciting (for me it was joining a gym and slowly seeing my fitness improve). And write up all you have accomplished so far. Find a before and a now picture and compare.

I also had to accept, that "normal" is actually a really good thing. To be fair, that is more than I was hoping for. Just being a normal soccer mom.


You have new steps planned out for you! You can enjoy the "normal". You can and should take time to process all the changes and look forward to your next step.

Please reach out if you want to chat more.

Hugs and more Hugs,

Sarah
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 25, 2018, 04:05:23 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 25, 2018, 10:42:37 AM
Friends,

I've gotten one or two concerned messages behind the scenes so I need to make a quick post. I'm sorry for yet another neurotic entry.

I'm struggling and have had some very disturbing thoughts in the last three days or so. My therapist calls it post-transition blues, though I hardly feel like I'm anywhere near finished. Though she hasn't given an actual diagnosis, she says the symptoms lean toward situational or even clinical depression. There are other things going on that are amplifying the sadness. There are also some things here that are triggering. It's nothing anyone is doing, and I want to be happy for all the successes that are being posted. It's more the way my head is seeing how well everyone else is doing in comparison. Until I can work myself out of this it seems best to me, and my therapist agrees, to take a break from the group.

I love you all and wish you all the best. I hope to come back again, hopefully sooner than later. Be well.

S

Dear Stephanie ....... oh no, so sorry to hear your latest report.   
You have so many successes and happy moments in your transition that yes, you should be happy and elated with how your journey is going and has gone.    Don't worry about other transitioner's successful experiences...  yes, you should be happy for them but you are not responsible for any of them... any of us here on the Forums....  you are only responsible for reaching and enjoying your own success in your goals.     No matter how well any of us are doing, there will always be those that are NOT doing as well as you are, and there will always be others that are apparently doing better than you are.   

Hang in there and be as positive as you can possibly be...  you have so very much to be thankful for.
Please keep your updates coming so we can be "with" you in all of this.
Thank you for posting on your thread... we are all rooting for you.

Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on May 25, 2018, 05:53:26 PM
Steph we are here with you, and for you - and can understand if you need a break to absorb a whirlwind year of accomplishments.  No pressure, ever. 

And there is one thing you cannot change: you have inspired many, including me.  We each have our own fears and flaws (I certainly do) and it is so helpful to be able to see others' solutions to things in our path. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on May 25, 2018, 06:26:26 PM
Stephanie, I am sorry that you are encountering a rough patch.  I will miss your posts for as long as you are away, but I understand the need to take a break.

If you need to vent, or bounce ideas off us, you know where to find us.  And if you need something more personal than a post, feel free to PM me.

Come back when you feel up to it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on May 26, 2018, 07:14:04 PM
Hi Steph,

Sorry for the delay in my reply, I have been away for a few days. I am so sorry to hear about the rough patch you are going through. Take all the time you need to sort through your thoughts. We will be here waiting when you are ready to return.

As always, you can contact me via PM or email at anytime should you wish to chat privately.

Take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on May 26, 2018, 07:47:40 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 25, 2018, 10:42:37 AM
Friends,

I've gotten one or two concerned messages behind the scenes so I need to make a quick post. I'm sorry for yet another neurotic entry.

I'm struggling and have had some very disturbing thoughts in the last three days or so. My therapist calls it post-transition blues, though I hardly feel like I'm anywhere near finished. Though she hasn't given an actual diagnosis, she says the symptoms lean toward situational or even clinical depression. There are other things going on that are amplifying the sadness. There are also some things here that are triggering. It's nothing anyone is doing, and I want to be happy for all the successes that are being posted. It's more the way my head is seeing how well everyone else is doing in comparison. Until I can work myself out of this it seems best to me, and my therapist agrees, to take a break from the group.

I love you all and wish you all the best. I hope to come back again, hopefully sooner than later. Be well.

S

I have been following along since your first few lively, humourous and incredibly honest posts. I have enjoyed following along with your triumphs and occasional "meltdown" and loved it all.

I have just had a few months of very little to no contact in the board. It gave me time to concentrate on my other half and deal with issues surrounding my family. It is only in the last few weeks I have been able to return with any regularity. I feel recharged and able to one again share my journey. I hope your break serves you well and we can soon be back enjoying the site again.

Good luck and take care

Liz


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 01, 2018, 09:31:10 AM
Hi.

It's been a bit of a personal journey to work my way back here, but I am back, and I missed you all so much. It's only been a week since I last posted, but it feels much longer.

Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive replies, both here and through personal messages. Though I wasn't really able at the time to absorb the meaning of what was said, the sentiment touched me deeply.

I was so down that some of my behavior was what I now consider to be shameful and possibly irrational, scaring and worrying my loved ones and other friends unduly. I apologize to everyone for it all. I have hopefully learned a lesson well enough that I won't let such things happen again.

As I hinted at when I took my hiatus, about 30% of my depression was due to watching all the excitement surrounding everyone else here, while I felt like I was stalled and had nothing to celebrate. Every victory and milestone and beautiful new picture posted by someone else just highlighted that nothing good was happening for me. I truly wanted to be happy for everyone, but the contrast was vivid and painful.

When I was finally able to appreciate what all of you here and in my close personal circle were telling me about recognizing how far I'd come in such a short time, I decided to go back and reread my entries from a year ago. And as you all suggested, it was a real eye-opener. I'd forgotten how much I had accomplished. Though the pace has slowed down and the adrenaline rush is mostly gone, maybe I do deserve a break to enjoy the new life I've developed. I'm trying now to appreciate it, though I've backslid and have to recover lost ground - things like self-confidence have been eroded, and it takes extra effort to walk out that door into the outside world again. But I've had some positive experiences in the last few days that are making it easier to find my way.

Above all that, though, was a serious anxiety-inducing situation that's outside what I'll discuss here. Suffice to say that that situation was about 70% of what was bothering me, and it's been a roller coaster ride that seems to be working itself out in a positive way. As it was only peripherally associated with transitioning, it is a stark reminder that regardless of all the other extreme changes in our lives, ordinary situations that all people experience can still knock you down. Transcending gender, sexual preference, or anything else we deal with here daily, we are all still people with all the normal frailties that encompasses.

Thank you to my special friends who reached out to me both here and in personal messages and emails: @sarah1972, @Alaskan Danielle, @Kendra, @KathyLauren, @Jayne01, @ElizabethK, @Laurie, @Sno, @Anne Blake, @Faith, and @SassyCassie. Also thank you to anyone else who reads this thread from the shadows (there must be a few out there, considering it's been read going on 39,000 times). Though I may not have been in a state to understand what you were telling me, the fact that you cared enough to try meant so much to me.

I have much catching up to do, both in my friend's threads and here. But for now I'll just try to impart a few lessons I've learned.

First, I was reminded just how close some friendships can become through this forum. Some have been enhanced by personal visits, but many are just through electrons and pulses of light. Souls reaching out toward each other will find a way to touch using any means available. Having a place like this to find each other is more valuable than I'm capable of expressing.

Second, I can't stress enough the value of writing down your story. Whether it's here for us all to share, or a private journal or diary, having the ability to commune with your past self can be immensely therapeutic. That was primarily responsible for pulling me out of my hole.

Finally, realize that no matter where we are in transition, everyday life throws things at us that every human has to deal with. We tend to focus so tightly on our gender journey that we don't see such things barreling at us until they hit us. In my case I ran into a situation that I never would have believed possible based on my past life, and for which I had no tools to deal with. And that's where we need to lean on those closest to us who allow us - and encourage us - to do so. Be willing to admit that you're not all-powerful and can be vulnerable, and you'll be surprised at the support that's available to you.

Thank you again to those who are still here with me. Things are getting better, and I'll be around to share more.

I love you all.

Stephanie

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180601/3aecd2a97a16c21dcb3b3a7aea29fdfc.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 01, 2018, 09:44:43 AM
Dear Stephanie:   YES indeed, it is wonderful to have you back on your thread.   I am glad that you have worked through many of the issues that you have been dealing with.   
I also have found many friends and like minded individuals here on the Forums that are encouraging to me when I have my "moments" as well.   This is a wonderful place to be and to share with others that understand us.

By the way... your new picture is terrific, you look great with that nice big smile and your good looking outfit that you are wearing.

I will be looking forward to seeing your updates on your thread and your comments on the various threads here on the Forums.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle 

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on June 01, 2018, 09:49:41 AM
I am so happy you are back Stephanie and glad you are feeling a bit better :) You have been missed quite a bit. I love the picture included A pretty and confident women. Blue really looks good on you.

You are not alone in these situations, we all have such moments (remember my post delete spree a few weeks ago?).

We are always here for our friends!

Hugs!

Sarah

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 01, 2018, 09:51:23 AM
Stephanie!!!  I am so glad to see you back! :icon_biggrin:

Life is a constant stream of challenges, some major and some mundane.  We get so used to our big challenges being transition-related that it is easy to forget about the rest of the world.  I am sad that life knocked you down, but I am delighted that you are on the rebound.

You have indeed come a long way in a very short time.  You are quite an amazing woman.  You can't keep up that kind of pace forever, but the reason we do this is so that we can enjoy the everyday boring stuff that other people face, as our true selves.

I love the new pic!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 01, 2018, 01:18:25 PM
 Well it is about time shorty. I was about to come out there again and put you back up on the refrigerator. (w/o wine and chocolates). I was asked by several friends if I knew what was going on with you. The only way I could answer was no I didn't but I had an idea. I did not like the idea I have and it isn't any of my business. But Hun, I was very concerned. I am glad you have seized control of your trials and are feeling a bit better. I am always here for you if you want to talk. You know how to reach me.
  Like everyone else I love the picture of you and especially like that skirt. Glad you are back.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on June 01, 2018, 01:46:15 PM
I am soooo glad to see your post.  In my opinion, no apology needed at all.  We all have our moments - myself included - and the changes we are all going through are so complex. 

Before reading your post here I had recently re-read some of my earlier posts as well, and can attest to the value of being able to go back and see ourselves at a point in time in ways no photograph can ever show.  Important moments and details we would have lost to memory if not written down.  What caused me to re-read early posts was the profound impact of a recent surgery - not a bad thing, but to gain a better understanding of the emotional changes.

Your latest photo is really really nice but yaw got the wrong angle.  To show Stephanie's back you need to turn 180.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on June 01, 2018, 02:14:15 PM
I'm happy you found your way to posting again.  We all have our moments, irrational ideas need to be calmed down, but can sometimes snowball.  After the avalanche we climb back up, because we've hit as low as you can go and there is no other way but up.
I am one of the ones that reads and doesn't always comment.  Sometimes for lack of words, sometimes due to a busy life.  I will endeavor to do better.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 01, 2018, 02:59:49 PM
Hi Steph,

Welcome back. I missed you girl. Great photo and nice new profile pic!

Thinking irrationally when depressed is kind of a package deal. I am so sorry you were knocked around so hard by life. I always knew you would find your way eventually and all your friends would be here waiting for you when you returned.

I am seeing your recent struggle as a positive event in your life. You have transitioned far enough that your gender issues have moved back a little from the forefront of your mind, making space for normal life issues. That to me sounds like you've made it! You have become the woman you always knew yourself to be. What remains on your transition journey are a few "minor" procedures, the hard part is behind you - transitioning your mind to a healthy place. The confidence you have lost will come back to you and when it does, it will be sitting on top of a stronger foundation and won't be so easy erode next time.

I'm proud of you and all that you have accomplished. So happy to have you back!

(((((BIG HUG)))))

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on June 01, 2018, 04:56:08 PM
LURKER here , glad your working stuff out . looking good love .
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Stevi on June 01, 2018, 06:33:07 PM
Steph,

I missed you, too.  I had thought it might be just a case of a busy life with nothing particularly important to post.  Sorry to hear it was more than that.  Glad, though, that you have gotten a grip and returned to the fold.

Welcome home,
Hugs,
Stevi
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Denni on June 02, 2018, 08:58:58 AM
Steph,
So happy to know that you are back, and that even though life can become unpredictable and difficult at times, friends, and our own inner resolve can truly keep us going forward in our journey through life. As you stated the life that has been given to us is difficult enough and then when normal everyday life throws itself into the mix it can indeed become overbearing. The political system we are living under right now with all of the hatred, this past week with the comments that were made, anger me, and I know others, what example are the supposed adults of the world leaving for our kids and grandkids. Having just gone through some very difficult times myself in the past two weeks I can only offer to you what has helped me, I look at myself in the mirror and know that I am stronger than all of the things swirling around me, that I am going to get through this and I am going to be a better person because of it. I also know Steph you have come out of this a much stronger and better person. Sometimes it seems like we have to experience some real lows in our life to make us realize and appreciate the positive things that we have achieved. Glad you are back, keep smiling, take care, and a big hug
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on June 02, 2018, 10:36:48 AM
Steph, I'm just glad to see that you are back and posting.

Life can indeed blindside us, with both good and bad things.  It's a real roller coaster ride sometimes, and I often have trouble keeping my arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and have the spiritual bruises to prove it.

I'm just glad you are OK, and we don't have to send @Laurie after you.

The new avatar looks great, by the way.  And, I love that green skirt with pencil belt!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on June 02, 2018, 09:49:07 PM
Hi Steph great to see you back and posting it says to me that you have managed to overcome the obstacle that caused you so much distress. It takes time for our brains to catch up with our new selves and many around can see the differences that we can be so blind too.


Nice to see that smiling face again


Take care


Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 02, 2018, 11:53:42 PM
Wow, thank you all for the nice replies! It makes me happy to know I have so many friends here. I'll try to catch up with what everyone else has been doing, along with filling you in on a few things I did while I was looking for myself, but right now I want to talk about today.

Sue and I spent a large part of the day helping Cassie work on some repairs to her house. It was incredibly hot and humid, and I ended up completely drenched in perspiration. But of course, I wasn't sweating, I was glistening.

We called it quits about 5pm, and I cleaned up and dressed up, and Sue and I went to the Orlando Science Center for "Science Night Live" (SNL). No kids tonight, and everything was aimed at adults. It was a great opportunity to not just get my geek on, but to get myself back out in the real world and start rebuilding my confidence. And it was amazing fun, not just for the Science, but for how well it went for me. It was indeed a great confidence builder. I'm still buzzing from it all. Not much more to say, so I'll just share some pictures.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180603/16280b473490f78c94fc04fe03e8dcff.jpg)
I was asked to take someone else's picture and in return they took ours.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180603/b92cf6703ad08a3f25cf026ce220dc2d.jpg)
The sign says Look, Study, Inspect, Stare at, or Ogle, but Do Not Touch. I thought it was an appropriate sign for the cutie in the picture.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180603/253bd8b06ff1e8848d2d40e07592c4ad.jpg)
Oh dear! I don't like him when he's angry!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180603/6414f92c2f5e979ebcb732067391bfba.jpg)
This thing is huge inside!

The next one is in August. I hope to go again then!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on June 03, 2018, 12:02:35 AM
Looks like you had a wonderful day, what a fun way to "get your geek on"!

Hugs and smiles, Jess
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 03, 2018, 01:08:57 AM
It's good to see you out and about after helping Cassie out.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Sarah_P on June 03, 2018, 11:13:24 AM
Hi Steph! I'm so glad you're feeling better. The science center looks fun! I'm sorry that I seem to have missed the trouble you were having (and probably a lot more site-wide in the last several weeks), so here's a big digital retroactive hug!

::HUGS THROUGH THE BOUNDARIES OF TIME AND SPACE::
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 04, 2018, 10:22:58 PM
Hi Steph, you and Sue both look like you had a great time at the  science night. It's good to see you getting out there again, rebuilding your confidence. When you lose some of that confidence and then rebuild it again, it ends up being more robust, so next time it gets much harder to knock you down. I'm proud of you girl.

Does this now make you Steph3.0 or is it more like 2.1?

(((Hug)))

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 04, 2018, 10:32:59 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on June 04, 2018, 10:22:58 PM
Hi Steph, you and Sue both look like you had a great time at the  science night. It's good to see you getting out there again, rebuilding your confidence. When you lose some of that confidence and then rebuild it again, it ends up being more robust, so next time it gets much harder to knock you down. I'm proud of you girl.

Does this now make you Steph3.0 or is it more like 2.1?

(((Hug)))

Jayne

@Jayne01  .... yes, you made a good point... and I agree with your comments about Stephanie rebuilding confidence and self-assurance to be even more robust and more resistant.
 
I was thinking along the lines that the previous Steph2.0 was really a "beta" version and now that the bugs have been resolved, it is now just as it should be... Steph2.0 .... she is still our very own "Stephanie" to all of us on the Forums.
Hugs,
Danielle

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 04, 2018, 10:36:04 PM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 04, 2018, 10:32:59 PM
@Jayne01  .... yes, you made a good point... and I agree with your comments about Stephanie rebuilding confidence and self-assurance to be even more robust and more resistant.
 
I was thinking along the lines that the previous Steph2.0 was really a "beta" version and now that the bugs have been resolved, it is now just as it should be... Steph2.0 .... she is still our very own "Stephanie" to all of us on the Forums.
Hugs,
Danielle

Oh I like that! "Beta" version sounds good. We shall go with what Danielle just said!

Don't mind us Steph, we are only analysing your username. [emoji23]

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 04, 2018, 11:26:16 PM
You're making me smile. [emoji4]

I really do intend to write you all individually, but I've been busier than expected as I get out of my hole and back to living my life again. Lots of appointments and work in the shop to catch up on. But please, I love to hear you all banter here in my house. Carry on...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 05, 2018, 01:05:22 AM
Hey Lady we aren't going to do all your work for you.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on June 05, 2018, 05:57:36 AM
Hi Steph

Great to see you looking happy and obviously enjoying yourself. so glad things are better with you again.

Take care

Liz


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 07, 2018, 05:02:52 AM
I started writing the following in @Alaskan Danielle 's new thread about positive thinking, but realized that it was more appropriate to put it here. It's more a letter to myself than a message to you all. I think I just wanted to get it out. You may or may not find any value in it. Some have told me that I should be writing about all of my experiences, good and bad, so readers can get a full understanding of it all. So, for better or worse...

————————-

I've always been a skeptical, cynical pessimist. In my later years I tended to hide it with wry, self-deprecating humor. My joke was that some people say the glass is half full, others say the glass is half empty, but I say, "who's been drinking my beer?"

Fifty years of negativity fed by living the wrong role, among other personal shortcomings, is a hard thing to rise above. In the early months of transition the relief allowed for moments of irrational exuberance punctuated by occasional, almost cyclic crashes. After a while things seemed to stabilize, lit regularly by moments of wonder and joy. Then the pace slowed down, things that had been surprising and wonderful started becoming commonplace and normal, and there were fewer milestones to be seen on the road ahead - and they were so far away.

My social life was somewhat limited, with a very small circle of family, friends, and neighbors, a few of whom were absolutely perfect, but many of whom still struggle with names and pronouns and are constant reminders of the old pain. All are accepting and supportive, for which I'm thankful, but some try harder than others, and a few aren't putting much effort into it at all, despite being good to me in all other aspects. I have trans friends who wonder what the fuss is about, but after putting all this huge effort into remaking myself - or should I say, unmaking my old facade - hearing that old name or "he" still cuts like a knife.

There have been bright spots. The brightest is I've discovered a dear friend who has the ability to tease happiness out of my gloom, and through helping them in return has allowed me to discover some sense of self-worth; my wife and family still have my back, and though the older members still misgender me, they do know how it hurts and are really trying to get it right. I've been accepted into the trivia team I've mentioned before. They know of my past, but never met the old me, so are good with the name and pronouns. And I've rediscovered old friends and relatives who are also uplifting in their acceptance. And despite what some here say about the value of passing, with a little care, in day to day life I do seem to be getting by with strangers, and that remains important to me.

Yet I still trip and fall face-first occasionally. And I'm wondering whether, for me at least, these low spots are inevitable and necessary to future growth. Some of you who've been with me here for a while may remember my compilation of quotes from when I came out on Facebook last October. I just ran across one of them that seems appropriate:

Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a kind of breakthrough, a way of living in advance through a trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation.

- Cherrie Moraga


My latest crash was among the worst I've experienced. The negative thoughts snowballed and there seemed to be no stopping the freefall. I was terrified of some of the thoughts that were boiling in my head, and I wondered if there would be anything worth picking up after I hit the ground. I worried my family and my friend through some shameful actions. But they, and I include all of you here on Susan's as family - came to my rescue and caught me before that sudden stop.

While things aren't all rainbows and lollipops, I have started moving forward again. The irrational exuberance is gone, but the sun does peek out more often now. I'll write about some nice experiences separately, and keep putting one foot in front of the other, while watching for the next deadfall.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 07, 2018, 05:21:30 AM
Hi Steph,

I am very happy to see you back and posting about your experiences. Sometimes just writing about what has been troubling us is enough to get us through the day. You have lots of friends here who will always support you. While we are always thrilled to here about your successes and shining moments, we are also here to help support you when you are down.

You have been on a fast paced roller coaster ride up until now with lots of ups and some downs and now you have come flying down a steep stomach turning downhill run and you are left feeling dizzy and wondering what just happened. As you make your way off this ride, it's good to take a moment to gather your thoughts and let the adrenaline settle down before making your way to the next exciting ride.

The next phase of your transition may not proceed as quickly as the previous phase, but that will give you more time to enjoy the journey.

Glad to have you back girl!

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on June 07, 2018, 06:17:05 AM
This journey is certainly not for the faint hearted. I think you are right that this crashing that we experience is all part of the deal. I can tell you it will get better but there may well be a few more "crash and burns" along the way. They will just make the good times feel better!! Importantly you have solid network of people who look out for you, which is so important and quite a testing time for them. I thinks its when things get really hard that we find out where our true allies are.


It good that you are feeling a bit better and even more positive that you have such good insight. I understand how scary it can get inside our heads when our worlds feel like they are falling apart. Just prior to coming out and deciding that transition was my best shot at long term happiness the "go to" place my brain went was usually involving self harm in some way. That in itself can get very hard to deal with.

I hope you continue to make progress and will be in a better space soon

Take care
Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 07, 2018, 05:23:16 PM
  Hi Hun,

    Oh girl, I know that crash and burn well. As you well know. Even when you feel and know you are crashing we may have little to no control of it. Such it was for me. I had my goto support friend and everyone here trying to help. It did help to an extent,but I still continued down.  I had many worried. Even those I talked with, who knew how bad I was getting were worried. The best thing I could do for myself at the time was to do as they recommended and tell my therapist and get medical help for depression. I did this as I was near the bottom. I was still falling and deciding on how I was going to do myself in. I came to a decision and had my plan. The only thing that stopped me from executing it (and myself) was the season. I had to wait for spring and it was still a few weeks away. There was nothing that was going to stop me. Fortunately the medication started working before spring sprung itself on the land. I honestly believe the medication is what stopped me. I started feeling better and got out to make a few visits to friends that wanted to help and I kept putting the off. That's when I met my now girlfriend irl. That meeting is what gave me the reason to live again. I had been feeling better yes, but it was Michele that gave me the will to live.
  Our depression can be devastating, S((tep)han)(i)e, It can be deadly. It can be something nether we nor our friends can pull us out of like it was for me. It was only with medication that I could begin to feel better Which in turn allowed me to go visiting and that helped me to find a reason to live again. Short of that I am sure I would not have been here to do my  Road Trip 2.0 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234629.580.html)  That also brought me further back to myself. It was talking to those people in person about my trials that help me more. I thank everyone who helped.
  A special shout out to Ann of the Monica and Ann show. Talking to her helped me understand that suicide my end my personal issues,but it would have an impact on everyone that I have touched in some way. Ann got me to understand that I leave a part of myself in everyone I interact with. I felt alone and unloved bereft on my family for the most part. No one matter to me as much as my daughter and grandchildren. When I lost them I lost my reason for life I thought. I could not see the hurt that my suicide would hurt. Without my talk with Ann I still would not know. Thank you Ann.

  Stephanie, try to remember you are never alone with your problems unless you want to be. Even then you may find those that will still reach to help if you will let them. Listen to them. Some of then know what it is like. Let them help you.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Charlie Nicki on June 07, 2018, 07:37:38 PM
Steph, thank you for this message. It is good to be reminded that we will all have bumps along the way and we need to get through them to live our real life. Hugs.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 07, 2018, 11:18:22 PM
Jayne, Liz, Kendra, Laurie, Charlie Nicki, thank you. It's good to know that you find
my musings worth reading.

On to better things. Here's a small one that helped lift my spirits a bit.

As Kendra or Laurie or Cassie can tell you, I live near a pretty small town that doesn't have a lot of amenities. Most of the shopping is done in the Super Walmart that's about four miles from home. I've been shopping there for the ten years I've lived here.

I would still be trying to use regular nail polish on my nails - which always looked terrible because it gets chipped so easily, especially since HRT seems to have weakened my nails - if Cassie hadn't insisted on taking me along when she got her nails done with extensions and acrylic dip. I was scared to death the first time, but I followed her lead and put on a brave face, and it was wonderful. I'd gone with her another time since then, and they were growing out yet again and working loose and looking terrible. I had to do something about them and I had things coming up that I wanted to look good for before Cassie and I could get together again. I contacted one of my neighbors to see if she'd go with me as moral support but she was busy. What to do...

In the front of the Walmart there's a nail salon. I'd passed it countless times and didn't pay much attention in the old days. Once I started transitioning I'd glance sideways longingly as I went by, but the thought of sitting there in full view of everyone, including any neighbors who'd inevitably be shopping, absolutely terrified me.

But this time... I put on my favorite new skort and a nice fitted top, and blasted over there in the RocketSkate. Slung my purse over my shoulder and marched right in. And it was fine. It was actually just part of the "new normal." The only anxiety I had was due to my voice, though nobody seemed to have a problem with it. I ended up with beautiful new gel nails, which I'd never tried before. They're very tough, and I was even able to file down the ones on the left hand without them looking bad, so I could play my guitar again. That was therapeutic in itself.

After getting the nails done I did some grocery shopping, which is old stuff now. Shopping is no longer an ordeal - in fact, I enjoy being out as myself so much now that I try to prolong the trip - even in Walmart! I hate to go home.

It's just another example of how far I've come. Just a few short months ago I would have been nearly catatonic with fear at the thought of being seen even glancing at the salon - of even entertaining the thought of doing what most women don't think twice about. But now... well, I'm just another of those women.

Let's go!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 07, 2018, 11:28:00 PM
Dear Stephanie, your last update is so right-on regarding boldly and confidently getting out there as the new you.  I can absolutely agree with you that it is a wonderful feeling to finally feel free to be yourself....

Oh yeah, about your nails,  I am getting my hair trimmed and my nails done for my dinner date with Suitor #3 on Saturday night.......  these are exciting times for girls like us.   I love being pampered like that and also my dating activities.

Thanks for posting your good news update, looking forward for more from you.... oh and thanks for posting on my new "Positive Mindset" thread .... please feel to stop by there often....

Wishing your continued success and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 07, 2018, 11:33:49 PM
Thanks Danielle. I am feeling much better, and there are many more stories to come.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on June 07, 2018, 11:37:10 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 07, 2018, 11:18:22 PM
> Slung my purse over my shoulder and marched right in. And it was fine.

You nailed it!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 07, 2018, 11:48:26 PM
Quote from: Kendra on June 07, 2018, 11:37:10 PM
You nailed it!

Yay! That's the Kendra I know and love!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 12:24:46 AM
Well, after loudly whining about how eventless life had become, I'm suddenly almost overwhelmed with things happening.

Tuesday was quite a day. It started out with another drive to Orlando with goop and plastic on my face for another hour of Hot Needle Torture (HNT). I have my electrocutioner concentrate on the upper lip and goatee for an hour straight each time, and I've lost track of how many hours it's been, but I'm finally starting to notice bald spots on my upper lip.

Once she'd released the straps and let me go howling out into the city, I stopped at the pharmacy to refill my precious estradiol, then got together with Cassie for a quick lunch and coffee. Then it was a 1.5 hour blast in the RocketSkate to the Villages for Tuesday night trivia... which we lost miserably. It was still fun, though, and the best was yet to come.

Let's set the controls of the Wayback Machine to approximately 1970. I would have been about 12 years old and my sister a year younger. For a couple of summers around that time our cousins, sisters K and P, who were our ages, would come stay with us for a couple of weeks. By this time I not only knew there was something "wrong" with me, I knew exactly what it was. And I also knew there was nothing that could be done to fix it. And... I also knew the source of the hurt when they went off to play with my sister while I was excluded.

Fast forward about 45 years. My sister had kept in touch with them over the years, but I had put those memories away. Until suddenly I found that K lived not far from me in Florida and her husband was building an experimental aircraft similar to one I'd built. We'd ended up getting together a few times about two years ago, then lost touch again.

Then two weeks ago I got an email from J, K's husband. Hey Steve, we haven't seen you in a while. We've moved to the Villages and were wondering how you were doing.

Oh boy.

I wrote them back and mentioned that we played trivia in the Villages on Tuesdays and it would be great to get together for dinner. But there was something they needed to know first...

They seemed to be fine. We arranged to meet up after trivia.

And it was awesome. They got the name and pronouns right every time. The most strange thing about the evening was the topic of transitioning never came up once. I think they believed that the transitioning was 100% complete and they were just meeting up with their cousin Stephanie. It was the most incredible experience. While we shared our common interests in airplanes and other things, the fact that I was their female cousin was just a given.

The only time it was even referred to was when we exchanged goodbye hugs, and I told K that I knew she'd be fine with it. Her reply: "Hey, you're family."

We plan to get together again soon.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on June 08, 2018, 12:36:53 AM
a super Walmart
its gravitational field
collects consumers

nail salon out front
teases Stephanie's chipped nails
but such a girl's club

stop overthinking
just gotta dive in and swim
the acrylic dip

relax and kick back
worked so hard to get this far
now time to enjoy

see that wasn't bad
feels good enough to linger
even at Walmart

yes she wore brave face
but far more significant
the strength in her heart

see Steph2.0
making great guitar music
with gorgeous gel nails
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Saha on June 08, 2018, 06:54:17 AM
Nice poem, Kendra
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 07:51:59 AM
Quote from: Kendra on June 08, 2018, 12:36:53 AM
relax and kick back
worked so hard to get this far
now time to enjoy

There is no better way to start the day than with a smile, and this did it for me. Thank you, Kendra.



Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 08:15:52 AM
The pace continues to accelerate...

A friend from Susan's was in the area this weekend and came by for conversation and lunch. (I'll let her tell you who she is if she's so inclined.) She had all kinds of great advice for me, not least of which included a recommendation for someone in Florida who does hair grafts, FFS, and a lot of other procedures for the MtF community. She had the grafts done about three weeks ago now, and they are growing like weeds! She's sure she's going to have at least 90% retention with the FUE procedure with rich blood platelets injection that she had done.

The clinic is about 3 hours from home, so on Monday I sent off a request for a consultation. Whether I actually follow through on all of it or not, I want to talk about hair grafts (non-negotiable - my hairline is a serious dysphoria trigger), scalp advancement, rhinoplasty, lip lift, and facelift. Everyone tells me I don't need more than that, and some tell me not to do anything - thank you, that's very flattering, but I think I need some help if just for my own peace of mind. I'll also entertain any other recommendations he might have, though I intend to take it easy until I know just how much HRT is going to do on its own. They called back yesterday and we got it all set up for the 22nd. It feels good to be actually doing something again.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 08:46:27 AM
Now for yesterday's OMG moment.

While I was filling out the intake forms for the clinic here in Florida that I'll be visiting in a few weeks to talk about hair grafts, etc., my binging computer heralded an incoming email message.

It was from Dr. Gallagher's office in Indianapolis, informing me that they'd verified that GCS is covered by my insurance at their clinic, and requesting my letters. I had them ready to go, and sent them off yesterday afternoon.

The only hang up is apparently the insurance company requires 18 months of therapy before they cover it. Since my first visit to the gender clinic was May 19th last year, that puts me out to November 19th. If the clinic is willing to get all the ducks in a row so when the clock ticks over we're ready to go, it's still possible to meet my goal of getting it done this year. I'm waiting now for word that the documents are sufficient, and then it'll be time to set a consultation date.

OMG, this is starting to get real.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 08, 2018, 08:59:52 AM
Dear Stephanie:
I have been really enjoying reading about your latest life happenings.  For sure, your recent new positive outlook on your life is much more fun for you than the alternative, although as you and I can attest we ALL have our dark moments and disappointing times, and it is important and even therapeutic to write about them,  but it is imperative that we pull ourselves back up by our bootstraps and get back into living our lives in a way that is more enjoyable, happy and positive. 
I have found that when good things are happening in my life, it tends to spawn even more positive things that will happen, and so on....
...and on that note, that was certainly wonderful news about your future GCS being covered by your insurance.... yes, as you stated "OMG, this is getting real" .... 
... and as I said, good things happening spawns more good things happening...   keep being positive, it is a much nicer way to live your life. 
   
Please enjoy how things are going for you and keep it going and when negative things happen, and they will, make a concerted effort to nip them in the bud and move on.
 
Anytime you want to share some of your "living positive" tips and/or life events on my new
   "Positive Mindset... put away negativity" thread or my
   "Hunted Prey :  Danielle's Chronicles" thread   ...  please feel free to do so, I always enjoy your comments and replies anywhere that you post them on the Forum threads....  and of course we have had some nice PM exchanges too.

Again Stephanie...  I love reading your updates... keep them coming.

Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 09:34:45 AM
Another couple of minor milestones yesterday. It was 90F (32C) here and I first mowed the grass, then washed the cars after working on the pressure washer. I was wearing my sports bra and a button-down shirt - actually the uniform you saw earlier:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180608/cd2cb5d52b7af3a7e57fb6d276da39cc.jpg)

Of course I wasn't sweating, but I was glistening heavily, and I finally had enough and took the shirt off, working in my short shorts and sports bra only. How cool (literally) was that?

When the mail lady drove by I didn't step out and exhibit myself, but I didn't run for cover either. It's my yard and myself, I'm not taking any guff here. And heck, I thought I looked ok, despite the stupid shoulders.

Later that evening, after cleaning up and changing clothes, I was walking up to the house and saw my full-length reflection in the glass door. I stopped in awe, and the thought came unbidden, "How could anybody think she's a guy?" To quote Danielle, wow-whee!

Sorry, no pics. You'll have to take my word that they both happened.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on June 08, 2018, 09:39:17 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 09:34:45 AM
Another couple of minor milestones yesterday. It was 90F (32C) here and I first mowed the grass, then washed the cars after working on the pressure washer. I was wearing my sports bra and a button-down shirt - actually the uniform you saw earlier:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180608/cd2cb5d52b7af3a7e57fb6d276da39cc.jpg)

Of course I wasn't sweating, but I was glistening heavily, and I finally had enough and took the shirt off, working in my short shorts and sports bra only. How cool (literally) was that?

When the mail lady drove by I didn't step out and exhibit myself, but I didn't run for cover either. It's my yard and myself, I'm not taking any guff here. And heck, I thought I looked ok, despite the stupid shoulders.

Later that evening, after cleaning up and changing clothes, I was walking up to the house and saw my full-length reflection in the glass door. I stopped in awe, and the thought came unbidden, "How could anybody think she's a guy?" To quote Danielle, wow-whee!

Sorry, no pics. You'll have to take my word that they both happened.


Stephanie

I agree! How could anybody not see you as a woman.  Very cute!

Wow whee, squeeee, Jess
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 08, 2018, 10:14:58 AM
Wow, Steph, you're on a roll!!  Reconnecting with an old friend, making progress on your hair and on your GCS, and this:
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 09:34:45 AMthe thought came unbidden, "How could anybody think she's a guy?" To quote Danielle, wow-whee!
Wow-whee!, indeed!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 01:36:33 PM
I found out something new about myself today: Joy for another can be just as deep and intense as joy for yourself. My best friend got some wonderful news today that has me as ecstatic as I was when I got the same news a while ago. It's not my news to announce, so I'll say no more about that. This post is about the unexpected sense of empathy that's blooming inside me.

I didn't know that happiness for another could match your own personal happiness. I certainly never experienced such things in the bad old days. I really am changing, and for the better!


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 08, 2018, 08:13:37 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 01:36:33 PM
I found out something new about myself today: Joy for another can be just as deep and intense as joy for yourself. My best friend got some wonderful news today that has me as ecstatic as I was when I got the same news a while ago. It's not my news to announce, so I'll say no more about that. This post is about the unexpected sense of empathy that's blooming inside me.

I didn't know that happiness for another could match your own personal happiness. I certainly never experienced such things in the bad old days. I really am changing, and for the better!

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie:  I agree with you... I have experienced the very same incredible increase in empathy and sympathy for others in frustrating and difficult situations.  Also I cry more than ever at the drop of a hat, at weddings, funerals, romance movies, watching little kids play, all of that.  I had always been sensitive to others and their trials and tribulations... and their happy moments too.  I also find myself introducing myself and starting conversations with strangers and just about anyone else that I come across.  I guess that I fully endorse my mantra that I state on my profile... "
   "If you want friends, be friendly, be the first to smile and introduce yourself."

So Stephanie, do we blame it for the HRT??  If it is the HRT then for sure I am very thankful that it has those side effect.  Or perhaps just hanging around with cis-females and becoming a female myself has greatly influenced that part of my personality????

Thanks for posting your experience in regards to empathy... we share those things for sure.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 09:35:07 PM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 08, 2018, 08:13:37 PMI had always been sensitive to others and their trials and tribulations... and their happy moments too.
...
So Stephanie, do we blame it for the HRT??  If it is the HRT then for sure I am very thankful that it has those side effect.  Or perhaps just hanging around with cis-females and becoming a female myself has greatly influenced that part of my personality????

[The following is meant to relate to the MTF crowd. No slight against the FTM folks out there - there are definitely empathic men out there, but based on the gender role I attempted to emulate for 50 years, I suspect that transmen will have different priorities than becoming more deeply emotional. I hope nobody takes offense as I aim the conversation at MTF.]

This becomes an interesting conversation. It touches on the nature vs. nurture arguments and starts shading into philosophy.

I believe I was also fairly sensitive to other's moods, but didn't react to them. And I was always far too sensitive when it came to slights against myself, and had to fight hard not to let it show, after learning hard lessons about such things when I was younger. Both were dictated by the role I was required to play to protect myself.

So the question then becomes, are these new ways of sensing the world just our inherent natures finally being released, or are they being enhanced or even induced by HRT? Or, as you suggest, are we learning new roles to replace the old, and reacting as we are expected to as we integrate into our new peer group?

I personally would hate to think that I've traded one artificial role for another. It doesn't feel that way to me. I prefer to think that these abilities have been latent in me all along, and I'm finally free to use them freely. If HRT enhances those superpowers then I'm happy to let it do its magic.

And that leads to another question: does it really matter? I believe it's safe to say that transitioning, despite the occasional pain, is on balance a positive, happy experience. The extremely low failure rate of well-managed transitions makes that pretty clear.

So, Danielle, however it is we are gaining these enhanced abilities, they're welcome, and joyfully made part of who we are. I suspect you agree.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 10, 2018, 10:58:01 PM
Trying Something New, Part 1

I came to the realization during my "time in the desert" recently that I have come to enjoy being with one or two close friends among strangers better than hanging out with my neighbors and old friends. The reason is that those few special people either never knew the old me, or have managed to make the mental shift to regard me as Stephanie only. I can relax with them, knowing that I won't be deadnamed and misgendered. While annoying among our group, it's especially upsetting when done in front of strangers. So I have ended up limiting myself to some combination of my next-door neighbors, who are wonderful, or Sue or Cassie, or my newly-rediscovered cousin and her husband. Or... none of them, and I go out on my own into the world of strangers who see me as who I am better than many of the people I love.

I sometimes fantasize about wrapping up the few people I've mentioned, taking them with me to a town similar to where Danielle lives, and starting over. In my worst moments I think about what it would be like to just go by myself as she did. But there are a few special people I love too much to leave behind. And it's not a realistic plan in any case. I'm too established here, and I do know that eventually people will start to get it.

One of the things that both Sue and Cassie keep telling me is that the only real way to get people used to who I've become, is to spend more time with them. That feels so much like hitting myself on the head with a hammer because it will feel so good when I stop. But I have to acknowledge that they're right. So for this reason and a couple others I'll write about in my next posts, I've concocted a plan. Read on...


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 10, 2018, 11:33:00 PM
Trying Something New, Part 2

One of the things that has induced dysphoria lately is that so little has actually changed in my day-to-day life. Those who have been following this thread (thank you to both of you!) know that I live in a special kind of neighborhood where we all share the same interest in flying. Our houses are lined up along a runway on a small private airport. We fly everything including powered paragliders, ultralights, experimental homebuilt planes, light sport aircraft, and high speed complex factory-built planes. For years my daily routine included walking the dog around the airport and stopping at each hangar to talk with the guys and see how the various projects are coming. And "guys" is the operative word. I'd see women occasionally, but they were "the wives" who were just passing through the man-caves, and I never had much of a chance to socialize with them. While I generally had little in common with the men hanging out in their figurative "He-Man Woman Haters Clubs" (with the "No Girlz Aloud" sign on the door), the love of aviation bound us together. While all of them have been accepting of my transition, none of them make any effort to understand it, and most still treat me as Steve, who looks a little different nowadays. A few get the name and pronouns right, but one or two don't seem to get it, no matter how much I change before their eyes. And, well, they're guys. I never really fit in with them, and they certainly have nothing to teach me as I move forward.

So no matter how high my confidence level and how feminine my presentation is when I strike out into the neighborhood, by the time I get home I feel like I've regressed back to my old role. It's actually a relief to walk the dog and discover that all the hangars are closed and there's nobody home. It's a love/hate thing. I feel lonely, but at least I don't have to hear my old name or "he" or "him."

Even at home not much has changed. I'm still responsible for washing and fixing the cars, mowing the grass, and doing all the guy-role heavy lifting jobs. While I think it's cool that women can change the oil in the cars and wrench on planes as well as men, it's hard for me to feel feminine while doing it.

This fed into my thought pattern and helped guide me toward the plan I'll tell you about in my next post (promise!)


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 11, 2018, 12:06:21 AM
Trying Something New, Finally

In addition to the things I wrote about in my previous two posts, there's one more thing that I'm thinking is holding me back from truly integrating into the world.

For the longest time after I started transitioning, the only social events I would attend were LGBT, or specifically transgender related. The meetups are fun and incredibly helpful, and if I hadn't gone to one in particular last October, I may never have met my new Best Friend, Cassie. I don't intend to stop attending, but they represent a small subset of the world out there. In some respects I envy Cassie her 9 to 5 job, which forces her to be part of more than the insular trans world that I need to expand beyond.

So, now to the point of this mini-series (What's that you say? It's about time?):

I have decided I need to spend more time in the "real world." While I am taking along the security blanket of trusted friends, I have many things lined up for the next couple of months. I'll talk about them as they come up, but I am going to try something very special (to me) tomorrow night.

It was suggested by wiser people than me that I should try hanging out with the folks who know more about being women than even the most accomplished transwomen. And that would be ciswomen. I've read about some of you attending baby showers or card games and just being one of the girls, and it sounded so attractive.

Last week I talked with a couple of local ladies, and after getting a positive reaction, I sent a text message to all the women in the neighborhood, inviting them to join me for dinner at a nice Italian restaurant tomorrow (Monday) evening. Out of the six I invited (plus Sue) one had previous plans, three agreed to come, and two didn't answer at all.

So tomorrow night is the first Stephanie-arranged Ladies' Night Out. There will be five women out together, and I will just be one of them.

I can't wait to see what it's like. Wish me luck!


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Denni on June 11, 2018, 08:47:13 AM
Steph,
Thoughts and prayers will be for the conversation to flow freely, the friendship to be open, and to come away
knowing that you are accepted for who you have always been, "a woman"
Denni
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 11, 2018, 10:16:08 AM
What a great idea, Steph!  That's what this is all about: getting to be ourselves in the real world.  And what could be more affirming than to be a real woman among real women?  You go, girl!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 11, 2018, 12:28:34 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 11, 2018, 12:06:21 AM
Trying Something New, Finally

In addition to the things I wrote about in my previous two posts, there's one more thing that I'm thinking is holding me back from truly integrating into the world.

For the longest time after I started transitioning, the only social events I would attend were LGBT, or specifically transgender related. The meetups are fun and incredibly helpful, and if I hadn't gone to one in particular last October, I may never have met my new Best Friend, Cassie. I don't intend to stop attending, but they represent a small subset of the world out there. In some respects I envy Cassie her 9 to 5 job, which forces her to be part of more than the insular trans world that I need to expand beyond.

So, now to the point of this mini-series (What's that you say? It's about time?):

I have decided I need to spend more time in the "real world." While I am taking along the security blanket of trusted friends, I have many things lined up for the next couple of months. I'll talk about them as they come up, but I am going to try something very special (to me) tomorrow night.

It was suggested by wiser people than me that I should try hanging out with the folks who know more about being women than even the most accomplished transwomen. And that would be ciswomen. I've read about some of you attending baby showers or card games and just being one of the girls, and it sounded so attractive.

Last week I talked with a couple of local ladies, and after getting a positive reaction, I sent a text message to all the women in the neighborhood, inviting them to join me for dinner at a nice Italian restaurant tomorrow (Monday) evening. Out of the six I invited (plus Sue) one had previous plans, three agreed to come, and two didn't answer at all.

So tomorrow night is the first Stephanie-arranged Ladies' Night Out. There will be five women out together, and I will just be one of them.

I can't wait to see what it's like. Wish me luck!

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie... what you are doing is so affirming to you as you present yourself in the world as a woman.   

I have had great successes doing the very same thing in my small town.  I belong to a women's book club where I am one of 7 other women, I attend weekly gym visits with my gym women's group of 5 other women, I go on shopping trips and mini-vacations with groups of my lady friends and have attended a couple of baby showers and wedding showers... obviously events for women.

It is very affirming and self-assuring feeling as we strive to fit into the women's world.

... and I am excited that you are taking this positive step.
I will be looking for your report about how it all went for you.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 11, 2018, 07:24:51 PM
Hi Steph,

That is a great idea. Socialising with other women without limiting yourself only to the subset of the trans community is the best way to integrate yourself into society as a woman.

Also, well done with how you are thinking in a positive and constructive manner to change the things on your life that have not been working for you.

Please keep us updated on how the Stephanie ladies night out went.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 12, 2018, 12:19:34 AM
Trying Something New: Epilogue

Tonight was the first of what I hope to be many Ladies' Nights Out.

I had a dress and necklace laid out, but as I got out of the shower I started to panic, thinking I might be overdressing for the occasion. So I did what any woman would do. I texted my neighbor with "Hi girlfriend. I'm freaking out here a little. What do you plan to wear?" After some back and forth I picked out this outfit:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180612/eeb42674d0747b7584c94c93f6decb74.jpg)

I got my hair done and my face on, and it was time to go. I picked up one of the ladies in the RocketSkate, two others carpooled, and Sue met us there, since she was working in the area.

I didn't know what to expect. Would there be awkwardness? Would the conversation exclude me? Would there be some kind of special recognition?

And the event was extraordinary - because it was ordinary! We were just a bunch of friends out to dinner together. I don't remember all the details of the conversation, but there was little special about it in terms of the topics discussed. The conversation strayed onto a few subjects that guys wouldn't talk about - family weddings, kids and grandkids, etc., but what was special was I was completely included as a member of the group. The waitress never once misgendered me, and she came to check on "you ladies" often.

The sources of anxiety for me were my voice, and the three days of facial growth for tomorrow's HNT session. But nobody commented on, or apparently even noticed, either one.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180612/4c9b869aef10d7857288490898ad6303.jpg)

Only two things referred to my situation all evening. The first was at the beginning, when we all clinked glasses as one of the ladies toasted "The First Stephanie's Ladies' Night Out." Then at the end, after I got back from the ladies room, I thanked them all sincerely, letting them know that I couldn't express how much that night meant to me.

As we broke up I didn't want the magic to end, so as everyone else drove home I walked to the square where there was a band playing. It was very hot, but the band was good, and I was enjoying just absorbing the moment as me.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180612/1f64fea349d82a71ae446c6eb386e489.jpg)

I was starting to obsess about my wrinkles and my hairline, but as I walked around I noticed my reflection in the shop windows and thought, hey, I'm looking pretty good.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180612/0e2d4f0a8784d8ca4b8e5909c661e3dc.jpg)

I finally headed home, but stopped for fuel on the way. The station was unusually quiet. I was the only one getting gas at the moment. And something unusual and affirming happened. I was leaning back on the RocketSkate, typing data into the mileage tracker in my phone when some young men drove by on the way out of the parking lot. And somebody yelled, "Beautiful!" out their window. No, couldn't be me, right? I looked all around but I could see nobody else. Mistaken or not, I choose to believe he was yelling at me.

I got home and the first thing I did was perform what Cassie and I have deemed to be a rite of passage: I took off my bra with a sigh of relief and slung it onto the back of the couch. I put on my comfy clothes and made popcorn while Cassie and I had a video chat, sharing the good and bad things that happened today.

Later I put my hair up in a clip and removed my makeup, brushed my teeth, washed my face, applied various face creams, and went to bed, where I typed this up.

Here's the outstanding, memorable thing for me: it was an utterly ordinary evening... for a woman.

There's not much else that needs saying.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 12, 2018, 01:20:46 AM
I loved this account Steph. It was absolutely extrodinarily ordinary. Awesome!

Hugs,
  Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on June 12, 2018, 09:32:35 AM
Steph this was a smart move.  To adopt a new normal, engage in activities that are perfectly ordinary and enjoyable as your true self.  Really, really cool. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 12, 2018, 11:51:44 AM
Stephanie.....   Many thanks for posting the results of your ladies night out and posting all of your terrific pictures of you and the other ladies. 
Without a doubt from all that I saw and read, you and all the other ladies there had a terrific time, especially you being one of the ladies with the ladies.

Thank you for your very affirming and inspiring update.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on June 12, 2018, 11:58:13 AM
Awww... @Steph2.0 - This is so awesome. Glad you did what you did and had an excellent time. A girls/women night out is entirely different than going to a bar with your buddies. Being accepted into the "girls club" is such a fantastic feeling, and I am glad you could experience this too! Hope you all can keep up the fun on a regular basis.

Hugs,

Sarah
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on June 12, 2018, 02:41:59 PM
What fun, my mum goes to a local club at village hall and I keep thinking that if I have a day off when they meet I might go along just to see.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 12, 2018, 05:38:47 PM
I am so glad your night out was nothing exciting.  Sounds weird, I know, but I think that's what it was all about: just a normal night out with the ladies.  Excellent!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 12, 2018, 11:30:37 PM
Thank you friends. I can state it so many ways, but it all comes down to it was exceptional for being unexceptional. I keep thanking those who went to dinner with me, and none of them think they did anything notable. I'm incredibly lucky to have such women as friends.

Now tonight was a little different. I ran another meeting of our flying club, and there was a couple there we'd never seen before, along with a couple of the ladies who couldn't make dinner last night. And wouldn't you know it, those ladies were the ones who misgendered me a couple of times. I don't think the new people heard it, and I'd introduced myself as Stephanie of course, so hopefully that'll stick in their minds regardless what they hear from others.

I'm hoping the ladies who didn't go to dinner with us on Monday will go next time. I think it will help them get used to the right pronouns...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on June 12, 2018, 11:53:35 PM
Stephanie, this is a beautiful set of posts, and an absolutely perfect way to socially transition.

Well done, girl!  Well done.

I do love your thoughtful explanation of how old habits and ways were not fulfilling or affirming, and how you approached finding an affirming social activity.

We tend to concentrate on the medical side here and ignore the social, although that may be more important for our mental health in the long term.

Thank you for posting this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 13, 2018, 07:57:34 AM
Quote from: Michelle_P on June 12, 2018, 11:53:35 PM
Stephanie, this is a beautiful set of posts, and an absolutely perfect way to socially transition.

Well done, girl!  Well done.

I do love your thoughtful explanation of how old habits and ways were not fulfilling or affirming, and how you approached finding an affirming social activity.

We tend to concentrate on the medical side here and ignore the social, although that may be more important for our mental health in the long term.

Thank you for posting this.

I... don't know what to say, except thank you, Michelle. Even before I created an account here, your thread was one I "binge-watched" and from which I drew so much inspiration. Knowing that you found my post worthwhile means a lot to me.

Though I have been worrying that your judgement is slipping a little lately. Anyone who willingly hangs out with someone whose hobby is banishing people to the top of fridges is a little suspect. But I guess you know best.



Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 13, 2018, 10:26:06 AM
Behave you, or you will find yourself on that fridge again!

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on June 13, 2018, 10:38:26 AM
Chill, girls.   ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 13, 2018, 11:36:00 AM
Quote from: Kendra on June 13, 2018, 10:38:26 AM
Chill, girls.   ;)

GEe. With all this frigid air I feel like I'm caught in a whirlpool. I may tag Kendra more. She's the bosch.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on June 13, 2018, 11:49:14 AM
I might have to agree with Laurie, you need to be placed on a Haier location. 
At least Amana is becoming more of a distant memory. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on June 13, 2018, 03:10:16 PM
Whats all the (hot)point to this banter , think you all need a night in the cooler :o
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 13, 2018, 11:17:19 PM
Oh dear, here we go again! [emoji23]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 13, 2018, 11:31:14 PM
 Yes @Jayne01 , the hooligans are at it again. But don't worry I'll just dump some ice in their box and use arctic cool on their heat sinks to determine which have gone into thermal runaway. It creates a Coldspot to chill the Hotpoint down.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on June 14, 2018, 12:04:44 AM
Your living life as a woman Stephanie.  It doesn't have to be all about worrying about stuff, it just needs to be.

Hugs and smiles, Jess
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 14, 2018, 12:19:22 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on June 13, 2018, 11:17:19 PM
Oh dear, here we go again! [emoji23]

Pffft. It's my thread and everyone can be punny if they want. So there!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on June 14, 2018, 06:47:46 AM
Steph, I have been following along. It's so good to know to know that you made it through your doubting slump and back to enjoying self. Keep it up.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 14, 2018, 02:32:40 PM
This happened a few days ago. A little background:

For years I had a reputation as the go-to person for support and parts for a particular light plane. That faded about eight years ago when the new owner of the company decided he could do it better than me.  (According to my customers, he couldn't). I still pretty much grok it, and I also have a fair amount of knowledge of the Rotax engines we generally ran on them.

The owners who've bought one of these planes now have a Facebook group, and I decided recently to jump in and offer advice as needed. Some of the members are my friends and know my situation, but to others I'm just this new person who seems to know what's going on.

The thing for me is whenever I get going with this kind of thing, because of all the years I did it, I sort of fall back into my old mindset and internal identity. I really didn't even realize it until this happened:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180614/e93651386132ee5d3cb611c1f0bbaef4.png)

"She's correct"

It shouldn't be the case, but it came as a shock to me. I still go back and look at it in wonder. It's got me curious about what they think of a woman showing up who knows more about their plane than they do. But I just love it!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on June 14, 2018, 02:55:50 PM
Someone just got "womansplained" [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

This is wonderful. Print it, frame it.

It should really not matter if male or female. You are an expert on Rotax machines. And the member was very grateful for you help!!

Happy for you!

Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 14, 2018, 02:32:40 PM
This happened a few days ago. A little background:

For years I had a reputation as the go-to person for support and parts for a particular light plane. That faded about eight years ago when the new owner of the company decided he could do it better than me.  (According to my customers, he couldn't). I still pretty much grok it, and I also have a fair amount of knowledge of the Rotax engines we generally ran on them.

The owners who've bought one of these planes now have a Facebook group, and I decided recently to jump in and offer advice as needed. Some of the members are my friends and know my situation, but to others I'm just this new person who seems to know what's going on.

The thing for me is whenever I get going with this kind of thing, because of all the years I did it, I sort of fall back into my old mindset and internal identity. I really didn't even realize it until this happened:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180614/e93651386132ee5d3cb611c1f0bbaef4.png)

"She's correct"

It shouldn't be the case, but it came as a shock to me. I still go back and look at it in wonder. It's got me curious about what they think of a woman showing up who knows more about their plane than they do. But I just love it!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Dena on June 14, 2018, 04:38:15 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 14, 2018, 02:32:40 PM
"She's correct"

It shouldn't be the case, but it came as a shock to me. I still go back and look at it in wonder. It's got me curious about what they think of a woman showing up who knows more about their plane than they do. But I just love it!
I have news for you. Even after all these years I still get a little tingle when referred to as she. If it ever goes away, it must take a very long time.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 14, 2018, 04:41:24 PM
Quote from: Dena on June 14, 2018, 04:38:15 PM
I have news for you. Even after all these years I still get a little tingle when referred to as she. If it ever goes away, it must take a very long time.

Good! I really don't ever want to lose that sense of wonder.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 14, 2018, 11:21:55 PM
That's great Stephanie! It should make no difference whether a man or woman shares their knowledge, it's just knowledge from a person with experience on the subject. I work in a very male dominated industry, maintaining large passenger aircraft, I would like to think that when I finally do come out at work that it wouldn't make any difference that a woman is explaining to pilots how things work.

I hope that sense of wonder never leaves you. It is a special feeling.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 15, 2018, 07:33:40 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 14, 2018, 02:32:40 PM
"She's correct"

It shouldn't be the case, but it came as a shock to me. I still go back and look at it in wonder. It's got me curious about what they think of a woman showing up who knows more about their plane than they do. But I just love it!

Yay!!  I still get a thrill every time a server addresses my wife and me as "ladies".  I was in a store yesterday where the person ahead of me was taking a long time to make a decision about what they wanted.  The clerk said, "Well, if you'll just look at that display over there, I'll wait on this lady [me] who came in behind you."  Squeee, I love it!

Just as misgendering always jars, correct gendering never gets old.

I have found that, in any technical field, what you know is more important than your gender.  I have had absolutely zero hassles in aviation, astrophotography or computers.  I don't get a lot of mansplaining, because I don't usually speak unless I know what I'm talking about.  You are the expert on those planes, so you tell 'em!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 15, 2018, 08:13:59 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on June 15, 2018, 07:33:40 AM
Yay!!  I still get a thrill every time a server addresses my wife and me as "ladies"... Just as misgendering always jars, correct gendering never gets old.

The hardest part for me is not showing any reaction when they get it right. Any show of surprise or joy would out me. It's a good thing I practiced "acting" for 50 years.

I am surprised though, that they can't hear the internal "SQUEEEEE!" leaking out through my ears. 



Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 15, 2018, 08:43:58 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 15, 2018, 08:13:59 AM
The hardest part for me is not showing any reaction when they get it right. Any show of surprise or joy would out me. It's a good thing I practiced "acting" for 50 years.

I am surprised though, that they can't hear the internal "SQUEEEEE!" leaking out through my ears. 



Stephanie

Well, a voiced "Squeee!" may be a bit to pubescent for public consumption, but do let a little bit of reaction show.  Anyone who calls me a lady (or even a broad or a dame) gets a big smile from me.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 15, 2018, 08:48:04 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on June 15, 2018, 08:43:58 AM
Well, a voiced "Squeee!" may be a bit to pubescent for public consumption, but do let a little bit of reaction show.  Anyone who calls me a lady (or even a broad or a dame) gets a big smile from me.

Oh, they'll get a calm, happy smile, but I'm generally wearing one anyway when I'm out and about. [emoji4]


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on June 20, 2018, 06:20:14 PM
Ha - yes... it never get's old... I had a dad tell his kid to stop monkeying around "you sit next to a lady" today... He got a really big smile for it, even though his kid did not annoy me in any form. He was a kid... Is "lady" some kind of upgrade?

Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 15, 2018, 08:48:04 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on June 15, 2018, 08:43:58 AM
Well, a voiced "Squeee!" may be a bit to pubescent for public consumption, but do let a little bit of reaction show.  Anyone who calls me a lady (or even a broad or a dame) gets a big smile from me.

Oh, they'll get a calm, happy smile, but I'm generally wearing one anyway when I'm out and about. [emoji4]


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 20, 2018, 10:53:41 PM
Hi all,

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much, but there has been a lot going on in my life, some good, some bad. I'll try to get caught up when I can, but right now I need to vent. It has been a pretty cruddy day.

It started out badly for me, just feeling bad about some other personal things, which ended up okay in the end. But then I had to deal with what Cassie calls "eating a toad," i.e., get the worst thing done first thing in the morning, and the rest of the day won't be any worse. Well, didn't really work out that way today, but I did try.

The "toad" actually started a few days ago when a business associate referred a potential customer to not me, but the old me. I received a voice mail looking for "Steve." The associate who made the referral knows very well what my situation is, and disregarded it. I wrote him an email repeating when he already knows and asking him to respect my changes. Then I called the customer and left a message from Stephanie, using my best voice. I got a call back this afternoon from a confused guy still looking for Steve. I told him no, my name is Stephanie, and I put the blame on my business associate, telling the customer that he uses the wrong name for reasons that aren't relevant to our conversation, and that I was trying to get it straightened out with him. (Note that this associate isn't at all important to my business, and in fact is a bit of an annoyance that I wouldn't mind losing altogether.) The customer then said, "Oh, okay, well here's my question, sir." ARGH! I told him no, it's ma'am. Again he apologized, and we finally got down to business (and earned me nothing but lost time). The call ended up okay, but I was a bit rattled.

Then the phone rang again. Some lady calling for her husband who wanted to come by and visit Steve Bensinger, the dealer for the plane I used to represent 6 years ago at my company. I treated "Steve" as a separate person (sorry, he doesn't sell that plane any more) until the customer got too confused about who I am, and what happened to Steve. It finally got too complicated to continue the charade, and I said screw it, and just outed myself. "Oh." Pause. "Okay." And then the conversation continued. Nothing bad except confusion, I guess, but argh. Just argh...

Then the big one, getting jacked around on the support lines of my health insurance company. Transferred from one person to another, four altogether, then when I finally found someone who it looked like could help, I got disconnected and had to start all over. ARRRGGGGHH!!!! The only bright part was they at least used the right name and pronouns. I'll write about the insurance company in-depth in another post...

At least the day wasn't a total loss. Being in Florida we have what are called "Snowbirds," people who winter here and summer in some state up north. One of our neighbors goes home to Maine in the spring, but gives us access to his pool while he's gone. Well, it needed some maintenance, and one of my neighbors who takes care of it sent out a text message, and the following conversation ensued. Note that everyone is generally accepting of my transition. "B" is friendly but somewhat neutral, but "D" is one of my biggest fans and is wonderfully supportive and encouraging...

B: Just letting u know that V's pool is ready for use.  It needs a little scrub down that is best done from inside the pool.

D: Great thank you!!

Me: I've been wanting to try out my new swimsuit. Maybe when I get done with yard work this morning I'll get down there.

B: I hope it works! 

D: [thumbs up emoji]

Me: No ogling!

B: How will u know if it works?

Me: If someone ogles!

B: Ahhh.

Me: [sunglasses smiley]

D: Well it'll work cause I always check out the competition

Me: Oh hon, if it's a contest I concede right now.

D: Are you kidding me! With those legs? I don't think so LOL

Me: [embarrassed emoji]

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 20, 2018, 11:00:46 PM
(((HUG)))


Sorry you had a crappy day, Stephanie.

Another hug,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 20, 2018, 11:55:44 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 08, 2018, 08:46:27 AM
It was from Dr. Gallagher's office in Indianapolis, informing me that they'd verified that GCS is covered by my insurance at their clinic, and requesting my letters. I had them ready to go, and sent them off yesterday afternoon.

The only hang up is apparently the insurance company requires 18 months of therapy before they cover it. Since my first visit to the gender clinic was May 19th last year, that puts me out to November 19th. If the clinic is willing to get all the ducks in a row so when the clock ticks over we're ready to go, it's still possible to meet my goal of getting it done this year. I'm waiting now for word that the documents are sufficient, and then it'll be time to set a consultation date.

Well, this is not going well, and is contributing to my depressed mood.

A couple of the letters I sent weren't sufficient, so over the last week and a half I got new ones. I've complained about this before, but the clinic I go to - which specializes in LGBT, and especially T issues - has the most bizarre and annoying policies regarding any letters they write. First of all, a letter - even just to change name of the person to whom it's addressed - costs $25. And they categorically will not let you have a copy. They fax it directly to the doctor, and if you want a copy you have to get it from them. I have no idea why, but it feels like gatekeeping. So the two letters I had to get cost me another $50, and I don't even know what one of them says.

That's annoying, but it gets a lot worse. The 18 month therapy requirement is imposed by the insurance company (Blue Cross Blue Shield of Florida), and Dr. Gallagher's office will not even allow a consultation to schedule surgery until that requirement is met. Since my18 month date is November 19, they have told me that there is no way they would have time to schedule surgery this year. This has absolutely destroyed me. I'm completely convinced that by the end of the year, our government is going to remove the mandate that insurance companies cover GCS, and I won't have coverage next year. I hope I'm wrong, but the current record is not encouraging.

My only course of action is to see if the insurance company will change its mind. I wanted to see if I could arrange a Patient Care Coordinator, which I was told the company would set up - someone who acts as a personal liaison as you go through the process. To that end I started with an online support chat with BCBS. That was a waste of time.

From there I went to a BCBS office and outed myself to them to see if they could set up a PCC. They had no idea what I was talking about. We did have a frank conversation, but the upshot of it all was first, it was doubtful that they would be willing to change the policy, and two, they agreed with my assessment that if the mandate was removed, the company would drop GCS coverage like a hot rock. In the nurse's words, "Well, they're a for-profit organization." She then corrected herself with, "Well, they're actually a non-profit, but still..." They recommended calling the headquarters. So that visit was also useless.

So today, I got out the hammer to beat myself on the head with, and made the call. Over the next hour Roger transferred me to Juan who transferred me to Eva who transferred me to an unnamed "Care Consultant" who, after I explained for the fourth time what I wanted, was unceremoniously disconnected. So I got to start all over. It was finally made clear that Florida Blue does not have Patient Care Coordinators, and you have to take your chances and explain the situation every time you call and talk to someone new. The best I could get was the suggestion to have my doctor write a letter explaining why it was necessary to ask for a waiver on the time requirements, and send it to their grievance and appeals board.

My next step, then, is to get an appointment with my therapist and see what she's willing to do for me. I have been trying to get an appointment with her for three weeks on a day when I will be in town, and so far no luck. I may have to try a Skype appointment, though I much prefer in-person meetings. I have also asked if my liaison at Dr. Gallagher's office would be willing to go to bat for me. I'm not hopeful, but I have to ask.

What's really upsetting about it all is the WPATH Standard of Care, which the insurance company says it follows, has nothing more than a "recommendation" for ongoing therapy. The exact wording of their requirements:

1. Persistent, well documented gender dysphoria;
2. Capacity to make a fully informed decision and to consent for treatment;
3. Age of majority in a given country;
4. If significant medical or mental health concerns are present, they must be well controlled;
5. 12 continuous months of hormone therapy as appropriate to the patient's gender goals (un- less the patient has a medical contraindication or is otherwise unable or unwilling to take hormones).
6. 12 continuous months of living in a gender role that is congruent with their gender identity;

Although not an explicit criterion, it is recommended that these patients also have regular visits with a mental health or other medical professional.

So the insurance company is imposing requirements far beyond what the true experts recommend. That, along with what the nurse reminded me of - that BCBS of Florida advertises themselves as being very LGBT friendly - may be the only things working in my favor.

So the stresses are building, but I'm doing the best I can to move forward. I'm limited in what I can do, but I have to try.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 21, 2018, 12:15:22 AM
Stephanie, sorry for the troubles with insurance and scheduling appointments and obtaining letters. Stay strong and keep doing what you can to move forward.

(((((Hug)))))

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 21, 2018, 06:27:59 AM
I hear you on the frustration with your insurance and the various random requirements of various parties.  We have similar hassles here.  Everyone claims that they are only following the WPATH requirements, but in fact, each organization layers its own requirements onto them. 

MSI (our government insurance) insists that one of the two referral letters must come from a medical specialist.  For people seeing an endo for their HRT, that's not a problem.  But for low-risk people like me, seeing a lowly GP, I have to shop around for some kind of specialist.  My GP, who is coordinating my transition, referred me to a psychiatrist, an acceptable specialist.  She picked one with a "short" wait list, only one year+ to get an appointment, who is a three and a half hour drive from here.

Then Dr. Brassard's office requires that your relationship with your referees be "ongiong".  Some people have been told it needs to be for a year.  Others have been told other things.  No one actually knows.  And Brassard won't talk to you even to tell you their requirements until after you have been approved by MSI.  So you don't know until after you have gone through the rigmarole of getting your letters if the letters will be adequate.

So I totally get your frustration with your insurance.

(((((Hug!)))))
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 21, 2018, 07:38:59 AM
Thank you Jayne and Kathy. It's nice to know somebody's out there. Kathy, I do need to remember that the process can be frustrating for all of us going for GCS. I'm sorry it takes so long to get anything done up there, but at least you have the security of knowing you'll have insurance when the time comes. I'm really not in a big hurry except for worries over losing coverage. While I'd of course love to be in surgery tomorrow, next year is okay as long as I have insurance then.

But despite the frustrations I'm really doing okay. Knowing my friends are out there and understand helps a lot, and good things have been happening. I'll post about those things soon.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 21, 2018, 08:35:04 AM
Quick happy moment:

My neighbor D, who I referred to two posts ago, asked if she could bring some river floaty tubes down to fill them with air. I went to the shop and fired up the compressor, and when she came in she gestured at all the projects in the shop and said, "Steph, I think it's so cool that you're a woman and you know how to do all this!"

Of course she knows that I'm transitioning, but it was still a wonderful thing to hear.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on June 21, 2018, 08:48:13 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 20, 2018, 11:55:44 PM
> The 18 month therapy requirement is imposed by the insurance company (Blue Cross Blue Shield of Florida), and Dr. Gallagher's office will not even allow a consultation to schedule surgery until that requirement is met.

> My only course of action is to see if the insurance company will change its mind.

> The best I could get was the suggestion to have my doctor write a letter explaining why it was necessary to ask for a waiver on the time requirements, and send it to their grievance and appeals board.

I see three variables here, and I'd be looking into alternatives for two of the three.  Switching insurance companies probably isn't a reasonable option. 

Based on earlier issues I would have already switched primary therapists even if that involves more travel.  Based on principle I'd refuse to suppose a business with that attitude and we aren't just talking about a business - this is your health and well being.  By refusing to let you see referral letters describing your condition your therapist might as well say "I don't trust you."  Someone can correct me if I'm wrong but I am not aware of any professional requirement to withhold this information from you.  Doesn't US law require doctors provide patient records to the patient if the patient asks? 

And I'd look into additional GCS surgeons.  The surgeon you selected has a good reputation but there are several other excellent options in the US.  I'm surprised this surgeon requires all your insurance and therapist requirements have been completed before they will perform an initial consultation.  Is this requirement designed to ensure the best care for you?  Or is it to help the surgeon reduce people visiting multiple surgeons to make a decision - to save the surgeon's time. 

To avoid risk you might want to verify with your insurance company it's ok to obtain a different therapist without restarting the insurance company's 18-month therapy requirement.  I can't imagine that would be a problem (what if your therapist retired?) but worth checking to be certain. 

You could look into these alternatives without actually changing anything.  Find out more, and then decide what is best for you. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: mm on June 21, 2018, 09:53:45 AM
Stephanie, I think you got your point across with neighbor D, just have to stand up for yourself and then she understood you meant it.

Dealing with insurance and drs is a challenge these days for all of us. There are reasons for what they do but not the extent of the problems they cause.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 21, 2018, 11:23:52 AM
Today is my rebirthday.

One year ago I took my first HRT dose.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180621/2fc31ba815f403f7827dd9517c5fb87e.jpg)

I wasn't yet registered on Susan's.

Full-time was a distant dream.

I wasn't out to anyone but my therapist and my wife and those I ran into at T support get-togethers.

I was sneaking out of and back into the neighborhood if I was dressed, or I would get dressed in the car on the way to a support meeting.

My look was mostly androgynous, and I didn't own any makeup.

I didn't even know my name.

Life was topsy-turvy, but I was exuberant.

Here I am after one short year. I'm full-time, my name change is complete, I'm out to the world, I'm seeing magical changes in my body, I've made all kinds of wonderful new friends, I've traveled all over the country as my true self, I'm going for a consultation for hair grafts and FFS tomorrow, and I'm working slowly toward GCS.

The exuberance is mostly gone, replaced with a more quiet contentment. There are still frustrations and occasional depressive times, but life is finally the way it always should have been.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180621/f4f1be10232c1030f2ba8b596cfd5cd8.jpg)
June 24th, 2017


(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180621/82562d37bac84fe6d6e63992c2b27d81.heic)
June 15th, 2018


(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180621/b97896ca9bc3d9afb66901e038a05593.jpg)
June 19th, 2018


Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 21, 2018, 12:19:34 PM
Dear Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger:
Wishing you my heartfelt Congratulations on your One Year HRT Anniversary. 
The pictures that you posted showing your HRT journey are amazing. 
I, along with all of your followers and readers are very happy for you.
Keep us all up to date with your life goings-on....  we need to know!!!

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 21, 2018, 05:02:08 PM
Wow, Stephanie, you have had quite the year!  It is hard to believe that so much has happened for you in such a short time.  Way to go, and good luck as your journey continues!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 22, 2018, 03:05:10 AM
Hi ((((St)(e)ph)an)ie)

  Congrats on a whole year being on magic meds.(they grow boobs) Not only those magical changes in your body, but more importantly those changes is your mind and attitude. The journey is not over, it has only gotten to the slow more aggravating time. Now is when those changes in attitude and acceptance are developed and honed. Your progress has been amazing. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Cindy on June 22, 2018, 03:33:40 AM
I have found it interesting and a challenge to deal with the references to the past person. I think it is a topic worth discussion in a separate thread but it can obviously be very traumatic time. I did have a few people who also maliciously set up innocent bystanders in similar ways to what you experienced. Initially I did have problems and the tear ducts where brimming and I didn't know what to do.

In retrospect it is quite easy. I'm not in stealth. I'm happy. I'm me.
I explain;  'Oh your referral was from someone who is tying to be malicious. I'm Cindy and I'm a TG woman who use to go by the name of Peter. Joe Bloggs is trying to embarrass you and insult me. Please don't be embarrassed by him. He isn't worth it. How can I help you, and please call me Cindy.'

I win.
Joe Bloggs loses a client and his attempt to embarrass someone is spread around the client's friends and colleagues.
I win again.

Oh and congratulations Hon on the anniversary!!!   
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 22, 2018, 04:52:28 AM
Happy birthday Stephanie!!!! Wow! One year already and so much has been achieved. Congratulations girl! [emoji322][emoji322][emoji322][emoji322][emoji324][emoji324][emoji324][emoji324]

(((((Great big birthday hugs)))))

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Megan. on June 22, 2018, 05:07:06 AM
Yays! Happy Onethaversary [emoji16]. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 23, 2018, 04:58:35 PM
I received this email from my Mom yesterday:

QuoteI just received a long e-mail from my friend... She wrote:

Wow, What a GREAT family picture.  Too Bad that your Son Steve wasn't there to join in... [My Sister] and your niece Stephanie sure look alike . . . thanks for sharing the pictures.

Referring to this picture:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180623/7c90a553c772912e9463d29183d8d786.jpg)

Squeeee!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 23, 2018, 05:04:45 PM
We did it.

Cassie and I finally gathered our courage and decided to display our fabulousness on the beach.

OMG, we actually did it. And it was awesome!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180623/8c7cb3244d777e69dae95d09e13c6acc.heic)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180623/2236de577204d97952488bb1292fc634.heic)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180623/f70ca3b9101cc504c2c28fd7638ea17d.jpg)

Another milestone for both of us.

Squeee!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 23, 2018, 05:07:51 PM
Double SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEs After all I'm squeeing for the two of you.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on June 23, 2018, 06:45:05 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 23, 2018, 05:04:45 PM
We did it.

Cassie and I finally gathered our courage and decided to display our fabulousness on the beach.

OMG, we actually did it. And it was awesome!

...

Another milestone for both of us.

Squeee!

Stephanie

Very awesome milestone!! Good for both of you.

I had step of my own, albeit a small one. Lori and I went out to dinner tonight, I wore my long dress. 1st time in public.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 23, 2018, 07:03:20 PM
Quote from: Faith on June 23, 2018, 06:45:05 PM
Very awesome milestone!! Good for both of you.

I had step of my own, albeit a small one. Lori and I went out to dinner tonight, I wore my long dress. 1st time in public.

Fantastic! Way to go, Faith!

So...

Pics or it didn't happen. [emoji16]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on June 23, 2018, 07:20:01 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 23, 2018, 07:03:20 PM
Fantastic! Way to go, Faith!

So...

Pics or it didn't happen. [emoji16]

no pics.

We were seated with a 'follow me ladies' and 'this way ladies'
the waitress was always 'how are we doing ladies' etc etc
we were going to ask her to snap a picture but, while she was a very attentive waitress, she took waaaaay too long picking up the check. We were both just ready to go at that point.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 24, 2018, 10:16:13 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 23, 2018, 05:04:45 PM
We did it.

Cassie and I finally gathered our courage and decided to display our fabulousness on the beach.

OMG, we actually did it. And it was awesome!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180623/8c7cb3244d777e69dae95d09e13c6acc.heic)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180623/2236de577204d97952488bb1292fc634.heic)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180623/f70ca3b9101cc504c2c28fd7638ea17d.jpg)

Another milestone for both of us.

Squeee!

Stephanie
Woo-hoo!  Looking good, both of you! 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 24, 2018, 03:28:38 PM
Awesome email from your Mum. And way to go rocking those swimsuits with Cassie st the beach. I feel light headed from all the sqeeeeeeeee's.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on June 24, 2018, 10:19:45 PM
Stephanie, congratulations to the two of you on your beach breakthrough! And happy first year anniversary, today is my second year anniversary, well done little sister.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on June 25, 2018, 01:12:03 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on June 24, 2018, 10:19:45 PM
Stephanie, congratulations to the two of you on your beach breakthrough! And happy first year anniversary, today is my second year anniversary, well done little sister.

Tia Anne

  Congrats to Stephanie and Cassandra.

And another congratulations to you Tia.

Hugs to you all,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 25, 2018, 05:52:10 AM
Quote from: Anne Blake on June 24, 2018, 10:19:45 PM
Stephanie, congratulations to the two of you on your beach breakthrough! And happy first year anniversary, today is my second year anniversary, well done little sister.

Tia Anne

Two years! Congratulations, Tia!

Gosh, I wonder what I'll be doing - and what I'll have done - on my second rebirthday?

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 25, 2018, 07:08:11 AM
Yesterday was the Dragon Lady's birthday, and I really wanted to get her something different this year rather than the canonical dragon necklace and t-shirt. She's always loved musicals, and once in a while the line, "Sit downnnn, John!" and, "Nobody listens to you. You're obnoxious and disliked, you know," (only occasionally applied to me) would pop up in the household. So I knew I had the perfect gift when I found that a local community theater was doing the play 1776 on her birthday. So off we went yesterday to the Moonlight Player's Theater to see how our founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence (with apologies to my dear friends in the British Empire). Cassie went along, and she and I got a little dressed up while Sue chose a casual red, white, and blue theme. The tickets were reserved in Stephanie Bensinger's name, of course.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180625/cc6c17b7176b83e08d59fe185a00cf72.jpg)

I've always rolled my eyes at musicals. One time at dinner with friends I noted that in real life nobody ever breaks into song in the middle of a conversation. Of course, the rest of the meal was punctuated with musical outbursts of things like, "Pleeeeease pass the saaaaalt!" (with appropriate flamboyant theatricality) and other such silliness. But I had a great time. I guess it's different live. The only problem I had was I think they were trying to get a little too realistic when it came to showing how hot it was in June and July 1776 in Philadelphia. It was oppressively hot in the theater, and I was afraid my hair was going to wilt. And when the thunderstorm started outside you could hardly hear the actors because of the loud rain on the roof. But hey, it's community theater in an old warehouse, and it was incredibly well done. And most importantly, Sue loved it.

Hmmm. I see Hamilton! is coming to Orlando in January...

During intermission we stood in line (with mostly other women, of course) for one of the two gender-neutral restrooms. Cassie and I chatted until one opened up for her, and there I stood, alone in line. So I decided to once again channel my big sister Tia, and I struck up a conversation with the lady behind me in line. It was a completely inconsequential conversation, but also so incredibly natural and drama-free. You'd think I'd be getting used to it by now, but in the bad old days I wouldn't even have raised my head to say a quiet hi to someone, much less strike up girl talk with a total stranger, so these types of interactions are a huge thing for me, especially considering the transition-induced social anxiety I've had to get through. Thank you, Tia, for showing me the way.

After we walked the actors line on the way out, thanking and congratulating them (it was the last show) we went out to a birthday dinner at a restaurant on a lake close by. The food was only okay, but I loved being out (and looking good, if I must say so myself) with my two favorite people. Our waitress "ladied" us for the entire meal.

It was a wonderful day.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180625/09b370a19f2bb8a36387e198f1b70985.heic)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 25, 2018, 09:44:25 AM
This pic is from Friday when Cassie and I were in a Starbucks in Jupiter, FL (we couldn't afford the airfare to the real Jupiter).

I have always been extremely self-conscious about my shoulders, but took a chance and tried a sleeveless blouse. I couldn't believe that it seemed to be okay! I was told multiple times that I looked great, and later that my smile lit up the room. I don't see it - I still see too much of "him" in there - but it sure feels good to hear such things.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180625/c540cf13053c81ba328fed3b324c8295.jpg)

Stephanie

PS: A personal observation from a crotchety old woman - feel free to ignore: I'm posting the picture here instead of the "You Look Fabulous" thread. I've found that you have to be 29 or younger or be fantastically beautiful to get more than one encouraging comment there. I'll admit that I've tried posting there out of vanity and compliment hunting, with near complete invisibility. Congrats to the beauties who post there, but I've quit following it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on June 25, 2018, 10:06:51 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 25, 2018, 09:44:25 AM
> I still see too much of "him" in there - but it sure feels good to hear such things

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180625/c540cf13053c81ba328fed3b324c8295.jpg)
What!?  Him?  Where?  I just don't see that in you now.  Nope.  Or maybe one is lurking in that odd painting behind you.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 25, 2018, 09:44:25 AM
> have to be 29 or younger

I tune that out with a simple conversion, Imperial to Metric.  Numbers are just data thingies.  Besides, base-10 is overrated. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 25, 2018, 04:31:20 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on June 25, 2018, 09:44:25 AM
This pic is from Friday when Cassie and I were in a Starbucks in Jupiter, FL (we couldn't afford the airfare to the real Jupiter).

I have always been extremely self-conscious about my shoulders, but took a chance and tried a sleeveless blouse. I couldn't believe that it seemed to be okay! I was told multiple times that I looked great, and later that my smile lit up the room. I don't see it - I still see too much of "him" in there - but it sure feels good to hear such things.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180625/c540cf13053c81ba328fed3b324c8295.jpg)

Stephanie

PS: A personal observation from a crotchety old woman - feel free to ignore: I'm posting the picture here instead of the "You Look Fabulous" thread. I've found that you have to be 29 or younger or be fantastically beautiful to get more than one encouraging comment there. I'll admit that I've tried posting there out of vanity and compliment hunting, with near complete invisibility. Congrats to the beauties who post there, but I've quit following it.
Stephanie, WOW!!! You do look fabulous. You don't need to go searching for compliments in other threads. The compliments will come to you. More important than what any of us think is how you see yourself, and you are slowly seeing more and more of the beautiful woman we all see. Beauty runs far deeper than any minor surface imperfections that living life gives us.

I'm glad Sue had a great birthday. Happy belated birthday, Sue. [emoji322][emoji322][emoji322][emoji322]

I know what you mean about musicals. I used to turn my nose up at those until many years ago, my wife and I went to see a broadway show on our first visit to New York. We loved it and we have since seen several musicals, enjoying every one of them. And yes, for some time after the show, our own lives become a musical, singing "caaaaan yoouuu pass the saaaaalt please" and other such silliness. [emoji16] The musical silliness also happens when watching a movie that is a musical. The last one we watched was "The Greatest Showman".

Keep up the good work, your progress so far is admirable.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 25, 2018, 05:36:28 PM
@Steph2.0
My dear Stephanie:   As we all know, we are our own worst critics to an extreme.   I certainly do not see any of your old male self in your Jupiter picture.... perhaps it is the gravity there that is affecting your thoughts and coming to the wrong conclusions about what you see in your picture. 
I see a very beautiful lady dressed very nicely with feminine looking shoulders, beautiful blonde hair  (hmmm, I need to get my hair touched up again) and a great big intoxicating smile.

If you feel like you do about the  "You Look Fabulous"  thread then don't go there.  I also feel a little hesitant to post my pictures there along side of all of those beautiful ladies and their fabulous looks and great outfits.... they do indeed look wonderful and beautiful there....

...and as  @Jayne01  so aptly stated "You do look fabulous. You don't need to go searching for compliments in other threads. The compliments will come to you."    

I do not agree with what you stated about your own picture "still see too much of "him" in there"'
    On the other hand I very much agree with what  @Kendra  stated: "What!?  Him?  Where?  I just don't see that in you now.  Nope.  Or maybe one is lurking in that odd painting behind you."

Your followers and readers will give you all the honest opinions you need, usually from the older more seasoned crowd....
hmmm, am I in the older more seasoned crowd or the younger crowd... I am a confused 38 year old, it must be from the HRT hormones or perhaps from the hair color chemicals.

Love ya Stephanie... please continue keeping your thread updated and treat us to your beautiful pictures or even more of your "hot and sweaty" pictures of yourself as you feel that you want to post them.

Hugs and well wishes .... and watch out for that trip home from Jupiter, it can take years off of your life unless you go to Warp speed.... better check with Scotty down in the engine room.
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 25, 2018, 05:45:06 PM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 25, 2018, 05:36:28 PM
Your followers and readers will give you all the honest opinions you need, usually from the older more seasoned crowd....
hmmm, am I in the older more seasoned crowd or the younger crowd... I am a confused 38 year old, it must be from the HRT hormones or perhaps from the hair color chemicals.
My dear Danielle, we are only as old as we feel, or is it as old as we act? If it's the former, I feel like I am in my mid to late 20's, if it's the latter, then I am afraid I am an older, more seasoned 5 year old! [emoji23]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 25, 2018, 11:04:20 PM
Kendra, Jayne, Danielle, and Cassie (who gave her assessment in person): Thank you so much for your kind words. It's going to take more time for me to see it, and honestly, I think it may take a change along the lines of what Kendra has accomplished before I can really believe that I look female. But I have to admit that other than a few bizarre incidents, I have been gendered correctly for a while now.

Thank you for pledging to tell me the truth. Honesty is very important. It's of course wonderful to hear compliments, but it's also important to know when things aren't working so they can be corrected.

Cassie made me really think when she asked me if she said something nice, would I even believe her? She pledged, as you all have, to never tell me anything that she didn't truly believe.

So from this point on, I choose to not doubt what you all tell me. It's not an easy thing for me to extend my trust like that. A lifetime of defensive hiding is a hard thing to unlearn. But I've come to regard you all as dear friends, and if you can't believe what your special friends tell you, who can you believe?

There continues to be a question in my mind of whether strangers are unquestionably seeing a woman, or aren't sure and are giving me the benefit of the doubt based on clothing cues, etc. I am often preached to that it shouldn't matter, but I make no apologies that, for me, it does matter. It matters a lot. I've been putting off writing about what I've been doing about it, since it's a bit painful, but another post coming up will explain it.

————————

Meanwhile, I was at another "therapy session" when some of your messages arrived this evening. It's the kind of session that can do more for me than any therapist can. It really happened -  here are the pics, Kathy.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180626/e1c0ba915932053f8cf454aa7a6bb19f.heic)
Near Brooksville, FL


(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180626/e8c448932cecf669acf275023a8d11d4.heic)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180626/9ac5fda2544308a3ce26a248dda2bcd9.heic)Rainstorm and rainbow near Zephyrhills, FL.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on June 25, 2018, 11:13:02 PM
I love your kind of therapy sessions, Stephanie. You continue to feed my flying bug. One of these days I am going to have to do something about getting back in the air.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on June 30, 2018, 12:07:44 PM
Over in @SassyCassie's thread she's writing about a trip we took to southeast Florida. As part of the trip we spent time with her relatives, and she took me to my first time on the beach, which I'd written about earlier.
The initial catalyst for the entire trip, though, was an appointment I'd made for a consultation with an FFS clinic in Jupiter, FL.

After breakfast we blasted south in Cassie's Marauder. As usual, we got a late start, so I remain the late Stephanie Bensinger. We arrived about 1/2 hour late, but happily I had the last appointment of the day, so they had plenty of time to see me.

Since my memory is what I forget with, I asked Cassie to sit in to make a mental recording and pose questions I might forget to ask. We started out with a short meeting with the administrative assistant, and after covering the preliminaries, moved to an examination room where we met with the doctor.

The most important thing I am pursuing is hair grafts. As you may have seen from my pictures, I still have a reasonable amount of hair, but the front hairline has receded in the corners, and the top and crown are thin. I'm constantly self-conscious about it, and you'll usually see me with a hat or one of my IFV's* to hide the hairline. Secondarily, I wanted to know about rhinoplasty, lip lift, and a face and chin lift. I had a feeling from my own research and from what others have told me, that I shouldn't need any bone work such as brow bossing or jaw recontouring. But I went in with the idea that what I'm interested in was a suggestion, and I was open to the doctor's recommendations.

As it turned out, I was pretty close to what the doctor recommended. He agreed that my brow and jaw were fine, and he even thought the rhinoplasty was optional (I don't agree about the optional part). He did suggest a hairline advancement and slight lip augmentation which he'd do as part of the lip lift. The doc was very personable and sounded professional and competent. After a few more questions, even straying into some things that Cassie was interested in, we moved back to the conference room to meet with the admin assistant again to discuss the costs.

This is where things kind of fell apart. I figured since no really invasive work would be needed, I'd be looking at somewhere around $12,000 for the hair grafts, and $15 to $18k for the rest, for about $30k for it all.

Their bottom line: just over $42,000. This is with minimal prep work and no aftercare. Considering that we were in Jupiter, it's no wonder that all the oxygen left the room. It took my breath away. All I could do at that point was thank them for their time, let them know that it was my intention to get a second opinion, which they agreed was a good idea,  and shuffle back to the Marauder.

It was time to do some more research. I have since learned that a friend had gone to FacialTeam in Spain, had much more intensive work done than I'm looking at, spent two weeks at a beautiful seaside recovery facility, toured Europe, and flown there and back - for about the same price I was quoted. Needless to say, I'm now in the the process of setting up a consultation with FacialTeam.

I'll write more about our trip in separate posts, but that's where I stand on FFS right now.

Stephanie

* Instant Feminization Visor.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 30, 2018, 12:22:00 PM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:   So sorry to hear about your "breath taking" realization about the shocking astronomical costs of your contemplated FFS    Sometimes there can be some compromises that can be made ...  there might be some less expensive and yet satisfactory way to achieve what you want to have done.   
Well, what can I say? ... Jupiter is an expensive and oxygen starved place to be.

So, Stephanie, take some time to catch your breath and please keep us posted...
Wishing you well as always... and
Many HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Dani on June 30, 2018, 03:07:56 PM
It was very interesting to hear that your went to see 1776. Just a few days ago I was watching the same musical in Turner Classic Movies on TV. It was entertaining and humorous to watch. The show was full of fantastic one liners, some of the songs are truly hilarious and the entire show was historically accurate as well.

A musical well worth seeing again and again.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 01, 2018, 04:56:50 PM
Remember when I said I wanted to expand my horizons and try new things? Last night we tried something that we've had reservations for for a while. Sue and Cassie and I had made plans to go with my awesome neighbors on a Tampa Bay dinner cruise aboard a large yacht. Unfortunately my neighbors had to back out unexpectedly, so I scrambled to find a couple who would take their tickets. All the couples I knew were tied up, but after some asking around, half of one of the couples was available. My friend I'd built the last plane for could come, though his wife was out of town. It turned out he would be honored to escort we three ladies.

We met at the docks in Clearwater and boarded the Starlite Majesty.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180701/e32a923d598ec522f86c0cb264aad48c.jpg)

We had window seats, and enjoyed the good food, the scenery slowly drifting by, and each other's company.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180701/826e3b76e5bab1cff7710e3e6e35e553.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180701/fc7e8cb81988efc45385ba9c903df810.jpg)

I had a bit of an eye-opening moment after we sat down. The wall I was facing at the far end of the deck was mirrored, and when I looked up there was a pretty lady sitting off in the distance looking back at me. It took a second to realize who she was, and when it hit me I had to smile. I wondered, is this who other people see when they look at me, not all the flaws that are so evident to myself? It was a surprising realization that maybe I'm not doing as badly as I always think I am.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180701/f894eb746530e63e208c6dc5d0618b78.jpg)

Edit: I was just reminded of something I forgot to write about. There were two special dinner packages available, one for birthdays and one for anniversaries. Since the anniversary package included a voucher for wine and three roses (for three ladies), that's the one I ordered. We all had something to celebrate: Sue's birthday was last week, Cassie and I were celebrating recent and upcoming ReBirthdays, and our chaperone concocted something about how long he'd been retired. We were asked our names and what we were celebrating, and Sue's was easy. The rest of us just told the waiter our names and that we were celebrating various anniversaries, without going into details. Well... it turned out they gathered the information so the DJ could make announcements over the PA. So later we heard, "Cassandra, D*, Stephanie... happy anniversary?" We all cracked up.

*Our chaperones name.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180701/2d22635601104cfc4e24d2994df7e686.jpg)

While we waited for our dinner we went up to the top deck and enjoyed the warm evening. I reveled in the feeling of my dress swirling around my legs and the wind in my hair. Unfortunately the wind also played havoc with my hairline , and there are a few pictures you will never see due to that. Here's one I like, though.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180701/c65daa475753604b978e78b166eb8c43.jpeg)

After dinner we went back to the upper deck for a while as we headed back to the docks. We never did get a chance to dance as we'd originally planned, so that will have to wait for some other time soon. As we debarked, the crew was waiting on the docks and we heard "Goodnight, ladies! Come back again!"

All in all it was a nice night, and my horizons were widened just a bit. The fact that Cassie and I did it with no questioning or drama indicates how well we're both doing and how far we've come. We already have another one planned for around my birthday in the fall.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 01, 2018, 05:14:09 PM
What a great outing, Stephanie!  I love the photo of you and Sue together at the table.  You look adorable and totally feminine.  I am glad you are leaning that the mirror can be your friend.  ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on July 01, 2018, 05:23:56 PM
  The pictures look good as does those women in then, Oh the guy too. lol. I am glad you three got to do something else on your bucket list. Keep moving forward Ladies.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on July 01, 2018, 06:04:23 PM
Nice update Stephanie. The cruise sounds like fun. I am very happy to hear that you are starting to see what everyone else sees when you look in the mirror. You three ladies looked lovely. And the man......well he is a man, I don't know how to comment on that. I guess he looked good too. [emoji57]

It is so nice to see you getting into the groove of living your new life and also trying new things.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 01, 2018, 06:54:11 PM
Thank you everyone. Yet another milestone. Please go back and reread the middle of my original post. I added a fun story I'd forgotten about earlier.

It did seem a bit strange that I'm used enough to the idea of just being myself now that, other than being a bit watchful for misgendering or weirdness, I had no trepidation about marching into the boat, walking around the decks, or using the ladies rooms. More than once I had to stand in line and talk with the ladies inside while we waited. By the way, as I always suspected, some ladies rooms are very nicely appointed. The one on the second deck had nice couches looking out on the stern of the boat and a makeup table with a big lighted mirror. Very posh for a small ship! I always knew something was being hidden...


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on July 01, 2018, 07:23:38 PM
Well you did buy the anniversary package...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on July 01, 2018, 07:46:43 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 01, 2018, 06:54:11 PM
Thank you everyone. Yet another milestone. Please go back and reread the middle of my original post. I added a fun story I'd forgotten about earlier.

It did seem a bit strange that I'm used enough to the idea of just being myself now that, other than being a bit watchful for misgendering or weirdness, I had no trepidation about marching into the boat, walking around the decks, or using the ladies rooms. More than once I had to stand in line and talk with the ladies inside while we waited. By the way, as I always suspected, some ladies rooms are very nicely appointed. The one on the second deck had nice couches looking out on the stern of the boat and a makeup table with a big lighted mirror. Very posh for a small ship! I always knew something was being hidden...


Stephanie

I love the feeling of just being a woman, to not think of thinking that I am one but just being one.
I think that is all of ours goal, to just be, without it on our minds all the time.

Hugs and smiles, Jess 🌸🌸🌸
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on July 01, 2018, 07:47:45 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 01, 2018, 04:56:50 PM
> I had a bit of an eye-opening moment after we sat down. The wall I was facing at the far end of the deck was mirrored, and when I looked up there was a pretty lady sitting off in the distance looking back at me. It took a second to realize who she was, and when it hit me I had to smile. I wondered, is this who other people see when they look at me, not all the flaws that are so evident to myself? It was a surprising realization that maybe I'm not doing as badly as I always think I am.

Stephanie, tape this to your mirror at home.  Actually we all need to... we each see our own flaws far more than anyone else does. 

I've heard cis-gender women sometimes obsess over things other people barely notice, but in our cases it is amplified. 

I've said this before, but you are finally starting to realize it: you're doing great. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 01, 2018, 08:27:50 PM
Quote from: Kendra on July 01, 2018, 07:47:45 PMI've said this before, but you are finally starting to realize it: you're doing great.

Coming from my heroine, that means more than you know. Thank you.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on July 01, 2018, 08:40:23 PM
Stephanie, the mirror 'trick' is a pretty neat experience to go through.  I had that happen a while ago in an office building, seeing a pretty woman walking at the other end of a hallway.  Oops!  :)

It IS incredibly affirming to see what others see, when we accidentally cut out our own internal biases.

Congratulations.

And that cruise sounds really fun.  We have similar ones here on the San Francisco Bay.  I just need to find a dinner companion, or perhaps a full table...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 01, 2018, 10:29:36 PM
This isn't so much about a milestone, I guess. More like just a journal entry. It was a nice day and I just wanted to write about it.

The weather didn't look so great when I got up, but all the forecasts said the worst would be going around us. So out to the hangar I went to fuel and preflight the flying machine. Our destination was an airport about 35 miles south that has a restaurant, a standard flight plan for most pilots. It's the origin of the "Hundred Dollar Hamburger" - pilots are willing to spend inordinate amounts of money to fly to a meal they could have had much cheaper close to home.

I put on my bracelet, given to me by a dear friend, that says "Safe trip wherever you go," and off we went, with storms visible 20 miles west.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180702/94296de965755db702c8063c188edb59.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180702/fdb94d1a3b5967e7a199ee26b2d3bafc.jpg)

I told Sue about ten miles out that I was a bit apprehensive. This would be the first time for "me" to fly into this very familiar airport and restaurant. According to my log I hadn't flown into there since May of last year, shortly before my massive meltdown that started me on the road to realizing my fulfilled future. She's getting a little tired of hearing that same sad story, and reassured me that I'd be fine, just like all the other times I got anxious about such things. Then I got too busy flying the pattern and landing to think about it.

I used my very best voice on the radio - for some reason it sounds better there than anywhere else - and a lady in a Cessna followed us in. We bantered a little about the weather as we taxied in to the restaurant, and though no pronouns were used, I convinced myself that she knew she was talking to another aviatrix.

As we got out and tied the plane down in the growing gusty wind, some folks came out of the restaurant and walked across the ramp to us. They were obvious newbies to airplanes, and may have also have been struggling with English, since they looked to be East Indian. The first thing the guy asked was, "Is this your jet?" I didn't understand at first, and he corrected himself: "Is this your Cessna?" I said, yes, it's my plane, but it's a Rans. "You both fly it?" Sue pointed at me, "No, she's the pilot. I just like riding." They were so impressed at two women flying together. They asked if they could take pictures; we said sure, and went inside for brunch. They spent a long time studying the plane in awe and taking tons of pictures. I wonder how they would have reacted if I'd told them I'd actually built it?

The restaurant was busy and service was slow. At one point I asked Sue if she could see me. She agreed she could, and I verified I could see her, so we were pretty sure we weren't invisible. It was hard to tell, though, as the waitresses blasted by without looking. I have to admit I started getting a little paranoid - were they avoiding the weird person over there? Finally our waitress, who had been tied up at the register, took our order, and I felt better as we were taken care of slowly but surely. When another waitress came out to deliver our food with an "Okay ladies, who gets the eggs and bacon?", I felt much better. While we ate, two rainstorms washed our plane for us, and the line of storms moved on to the east, leaving things clear for our trip back home. After using the opposite restroom from the one I'd used last time I was there, we loaded up and taxied out, as all eyes in the restaurant enviously watched the two ladies who got to fly their own airplane. The trip home was uneventful and therapeutic.

After putting the plane away Maggie wanted her walk, so it was off into the neighborhood. I've mentioned my neighbor before who is accepting but not putting much effort into names or pronouns even after nine months. He and his wife were out talking with my favorite neighbors who are extremely supportive and encouraging. Again I was a little nervous, since what I was wearing was nowhere near androgynous - the top especially showed the growing girls off in glorious obviousness.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180702/701ea407e69e8d928330155a397f0c78.jpg)

But what the heck, I marched right up and joined the conversation. And it was fine. I really need to get over this nervousness and convince myself that despite the problems with names and pronouns, what I'm doing isn't a big deal to them and I'm still just another one of the neighbors who flies.

I changed into some lighter clothes for working in this heat. I took a picture to post over in Kathy's thread, and was pleasantly surprised by what it revealed. First, I loved the way my bedraggled hair looked, but more shocking was how slim my shoulders looked. I've always been self-conscious about my wide shoulders, and while the measuring tape doesn't bear it out, they sure look smaller to me. Feeling I can wear sleeveless tops and dresses has opened up whole new wardrobe choices, and it's so much cooler than even a t-shirt.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180702/de21d4a707cf74abda256cf8a7d8e65f.jpg)

The rest of the day has been quiet, with some Sunday afternoon extreme napping, more dog walks, and a little work done out in the hangar. A simple turkey burger meal for dinner, with occasional wondering glimpses of myself reflected in the kitchen windows.

Just another day in the life. I hope yours was as good.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 02, 2018, 12:54:04 AM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie: 
I so very much enjoyed reading your update... Journal page that you wrote today.... and the pictures are absolutely wonderful. 
Thank you for your uplifting and affirming posting.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 05, 2018, 06:18:50 PM
Well, just living the life I guess. Bizzy bizzy bizzy...

Tuesday was a special day for my dear friend @SassyCassie. (No, I'm not spilling the beans; that's her job.) Part of the celebration, though, included a trip to CityWalk at Universal Studios near Orlando.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180705/f98f14cdc4a925e9cca35cd94ddc6c84.jpg)

CityWalk is a sort of restaurant row that all visitors to Universal Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios enter and exit through. We started out at Toothsome's Chocolate Emporium to get us some Warm Chocolate Almond Bread. I can't recommend it - you should avoid it and allow me to dispose of it safely. Accompanying the bread were Chocolate Cherry Mules, with which we toasted the day.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180705/e5ebcdc1cf40e260891b36d4b51ed66a.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180705/2362e72f35fdec516568ccf0bb98bde2.jpg)

We then stormed the local StarShmucks, where we sat outside savoring our caffeine-loaded concoctions while people-watching. I got a little contemplative and philosophical while pondering all of those people wandering by who are so uncritically content with who they are, with no consideration of the concept of being dissatisfied with their gender. Just being themselves. But by the end of our break I realized that that's exactly what Cassie and I were doing that day. Just being ourselves. Finally. It was a good feeling, and one that floated with me the rest of the day.

Rested up, we started wandering again. After a while the hunger grew to the point it was time to consider putting comestibles in our face holes. Off to Pat O'Brien's, a Nawlins styled establishment. A blackened chicken Caesar salad for me and étouffée for Cassie, and we successfully silenced the rumbles from below. Our waitress brought the checks and also asked if we'd like to get lei'ed as she proffered Mardi Gras style beads. We then got a photo in front of the really cool flaming fountains in the restaurant courtyard.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180705/eae06650e453836d519061d10eb92eb8.jpg)

We were fading with the daylight, but not ready to leave yet. Everything at CityWalk is wrapped around a central lake, so we took a walk around it and enjoyed the cooling evening, taking pictures as the mood struck.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180705/ad2531267a5fca47206ee6743e0993b3.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180705/b8729e1538e487b4f226dc317c38ec9d.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180705/8b62e3443a6c5a82ad2f4e74ea05e7f5.jpg)

I have a story about the Lone Palm TikiBar in the picture that I'll write about separately...

It was finally time to head out and go to our respective homes. It was a wonderful day, and it was an honor to share such a special day with my friend.

But that's not all! Don't answer yet, because if you order now, I'll tell another story!

July 4th, yesterday: Sue was going to head off to a pool party with a bunch of her friends, some of whom know what's going on with me, and others who don't yet. I'm not quite ready to be among a large group of people, having to continually make explanations, as friendly as they may be, especially if getting in the pool is required. The thought was a bit too much to bear, so I decided to stay home. Since solitary or small group pursuits were in the plans, I invited Cassie back with a variety of fun stuff at my place in mind. First up: get a flight in before the weather got bad. I had the plane ready when she arrived, and off we went. After takeoff, I said, "your airplane," and I talked Cassie through a flight to a local airport and a low pass down the runway. After we climbed out from there we traveled the 15 minutes to her house (which takes an hour by car), where we made a circle for pictures, then skedaddled for home, with heavy rain sneaking up from both sides.

After putting the plane away it was time for lunch: Chili dogs, potato salad, and various snacks and drinks. Exactly what the Fourth of July calls for. After a half hour, it was time to consider going swimming. I don't have my own pool, but we have permission to use a neighbor's who's out of town. I donned the same swimsuit that I'd worn to the beach a week or so ago, but this time, since there weren't any strangers around, I wore the bikini top instead of the longer one. It was quite a novel experience, and I loved it. I can trust all of you with a possibly unflattering picture, right??

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180705/85d3a1218eaf1bef171dce32349f0655.jpg)

After sitting in the pool and enjoying the same Cherry Pommes we enjoyed on the beach, until we were completely prunellated, we hiked back to the house and chilled out until it was time to quit for the day. It was a most excellent way to spend a holiday, with no crowds or noise. Extremely relaxing. That's my kind of holiday.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 05, 2018, 06:33:26 PM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie, what a fun filled and busy day that you had....  a great way to celebrate the special day for Cassie on Tuesday.
I can dispose of the Chocolate Almond bread for you....  it sounds like hazardous material to me.
ahh, people watching, my favorite passtime... you do realize however that they are watching you also... I always wonder what people watchers are thinking when they are watching me.???

Oh, you got the Mardi Gras style beads without lifting up your top???   You cheated!!!

One of these days you will have to get brave, wear your bikini and go to the pool with lots of onlookers around.... it is a gauntlet that one of these days you will be glad that you successfully passed through.

Oh yes indeed....Chili dogs, potato salad, and various snacks and drinks. Exactly what the Fourth of July calls for.

Yes, you can indeed trust your friends on the forums if you post your swimsuit picture.   Now you have teased us and we will be waiting, but no pressure, only post pictures if you feel comfortable doing so.

Thanks for posting your great update about you wonderful adventures.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 05, 2018, 10:42:40 PM
In my previous message I wrote that I had a story about the Lone Palm TikiBar in one of my pictures. I also wrote about my realization that I was living my life as me, existing as all the people swarming around me were living, body in harmony with mind.

I have been to Universal CityWalk many times in the 16 years since I moved to Florida. When I was there one time, the Lone Palm TikiBar outside of Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Restaurant and next to his Grumman Albatross seaplane caught my eye. I named my company Lone Palm Aero after the single palm tree on my property, and after Jimmy Buffett's song Lone Palm. (Yes, I admit that I'm a Parrothead, though a quiet one who enjoys Jimmy's ballads, instead of the falling-down-drunk-parking-lot-party kind.) When I saw the bar lit up with the neon Lone Palm sign, I thought it would be interesting to get a selfie in front of it. That was on January 4th, 2016.

Two and a half years ago I was living the life almost everyone here can remember. I was getting by and could feel a little happiness here and there, but life was mostly shades of gray, like a picture with the color saturation dialed way down. Life was simple,  but it was also wrong. I knew who I was inside, but I also knew it was impossible to do anything about it.

As Cassie and I sat in Toothsome's drinking our chocolate cherry mules, we compared pictures on our phones from similar dates in the past. Universally, all of them showed someone with sadness, or pain, or anger, or simple resignation in their eyes.

As we walked past the Lone Palm TikiBar on July 3rd, 2018, I told Cassie how I'd taken the selfie there almost exactly 2 1/2 years ago. She asked, why not recreate that picture? I was surprised to find the original on my phone, so I copied it to hers so I could reference it as I took the picture with my own phone.

So I present before and after pictures for comparison and contrast. The first as someone living the lie that we're all painfully familiar with, and the second as the person slowly becoming the contented, fulfilled woman she should always have been.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180706/02615ce54f07973caff3b165f462cb28.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180706/5e781900c8e2791c6ce522d05341b0b7.jpg)

I see some of the same lines in the face, but there don't seem to be too many other similarities. I'll say no more - I'll let the reader decide if there are other improvements...


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 05, 2018, 11:00:23 PM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie: 
A most interesting and very dramatic comparison in photos of you just 2 1/2 years apart.  You are definitely a beautiful woman, enjoy what you have and what you are now.
Thank you for posting.... it was great to see your progress.
Hugs,
Danielle

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on July 06, 2018, 01:21:40 AM
Stephanie, that is not the same person in those before and after pictures! I would not have picked the first pic as you in a million years. The change is incredible! And then there is that huge smile in the second picture, you look so happy now.

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 06, 2018, 01:23:52 AM
@Alaskan Danielle , I can always count on you to be fast with an uplifting reply!

Chocolate almond bread: Oh no, dear, I insist you let me handle the hazardous duty of properly disposing of it. I'm well trained and certified and I wouldn't want to see you get hurt. As you would be if you tried to stop me from performing my duty. It is chocolate after all.

As for people watching, it seems that people actually are not looking back. All the paranoia I used to harbor, worrying about what people were thinking about me seems to be misplaced. Unless you do something outrageous to draw attention to yourself, people are too busy doing their own thing to worry about you. And if they do look, a smile is the best weapon to use to disarm them.

Beads: Well, at this point lifting my top would probably only get me a few beads - not strings of beads, but individual beads. So I'm glad I wasn't asked.

Yes, you're right that eventually I will be comfortable enough to attend one of those parties. There's little doubt in my mind that by this time next year I'll be ready, especially if I've had FFS and GCS by then. Right now, though, I'm actually more comfortable around strangers than people who knew me before. I mean, who really wants to spend a holiday among people who are sure to deadname and misgender you all day, even unintentionally. That's not my definition of a fun, relaxing day. A day among strangers who know no different, or among a small group of trusted friends is much more comfortable.

As for the swimsuit pic, you may have replied before I'd had a chance to attach the pictures. Lately I've been typing the text on the web interface on my laptop, then going back in to add pics via Tapatalk, since it's a lot easier to let them host them. Take another look at my entry and you'll see that picture on all its gory (spelling deliberate).

Thanks for the nice comments!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 06, 2018, 01:51:12 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on July 06, 2018, 01:21:40 AM
Stephanie, that is not the same person in those before and after pictures! I would not have picked the first pic as you in a million years. The change is incredible! And then there is that huge smile in the second picture, you look so happy now.

Jayne

Thank you, Jayne. As usual, no matter how hard I try, I still see too much of "him" in all my pictures. But I won't deny the smile part!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on July 06, 2018, 01:54:33 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 06, 2018, 01:51:12 AM
Thank you, Jayne. As usual, no matter how hard I try, I still see too much of "him" in all my pictures. But I won't deny the smile part!

Stephanie
Seeing some of "him" may not be such a bad thing. Without "him" you wouldn't be the person you are today, and you are pretty cool!

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 06, 2018, 07:32:01 AM
Wow, Steph, what a difference in your before and after Lone Palm photos!  I don't know who the miserable dude is that you got to pose for the first photo, but he bears no resemblance to the smiling lady in the second.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on July 06, 2018, 01:53:58 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 05, 2018, 10:42:40 PM
> As we walked past the Lone Palm TikiBar on July 3rd, 2018, I told Cassie how I'd taken the selfie there almost exactly 2 1/2 years ago. She asked, why not recreate that picture? I was surprised to find the original on my phone, so I copied it to hers so I could reference it as I took the picture with my own phone.

An incredible difference.  Those two photos speak volumes. 

The difference between getting by, and truly experiencing life. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on July 06, 2018, 03:23:35 PM
As they say a picture can speak volumes , hope you disposed of the bio-hazard safely
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 06, 2018, 04:05:42 PM
Quote from: davina61 on July 06, 2018, 03:23:35 PM
As they say a picture can speak volumes , hope you disposed of the bio-hazard safely

I did! But there's always more. It's a tough job, but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Stevi on July 06, 2018, 10:19:51 PM
Stephanie,

I have been incommunicado for a spell.  Just catching up.  I am sorry to hear of the fits your health care provider types are giving you.  But I see there has been a lot of good going on in your life.  I am really happy for you.  Just had to let you know I am out here watching and smiling along with  you.

Stevi
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 06, 2018, 10:46:11 PM
Quote from: Stevi on July 06, 2018, 10:19:51 PM
Stephanie,

I have been incommunicado for a spell.  Just catching up.  I am sorry to hear of the fits your health care provider types are giving you.  But I see there has been a lot of good going on in your life.  I am really happy for you.  Just had to let you know I am out here watching and smiling along with  you.

Stevi

Well, hi there Stevi,

Welcome back and thanks for riding along on my adventures. Yes, right now I am smiling. I'm glad you are, too!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 06, 2018, 11:06:13 PM
Back on June 30th I wrote about my appointment with an FFS clinic here in Florida. After freaking out about the high price, I thought I'd look into FacialTeam in Spain at the recommendation of a dear friend. They do Skype consultations, but before they'll schedule anything they want some pictures to work from.

You are required to pull your hair back, take off your glasses, have minimal makeup, have a neutral expression, and have good light with a neutral background. We set up for the pictures and took a full set: front, side, and 45 degrees.

Looking at those pictures was one of the most dysphoric, horrific things I've done in a long time. "He" is so obvious in them. All the flaws stand out in stark relief. I understand that FacialTeam needs completely honest pictures, so I did what I had to do, but those pictures are getting buried deep.

I had no idea how much my presentation was affecting the way I, and apparently the rest of the world, see me. I know now that the raw material isn't much to work with, but the end result is okay.

In any case, I sent in the pictures and the consultation request on July 5th, and got a response this morning. It was the email equivalent of, "Your call is important to us. Please hold and your call will be answered in the order received." But that's fine. They will apparently contact me with a proposed consultation date and time. I hope it's not in the middle of the night, considering they're six hours ahead of us. But whatever time they pick, you can bet I'll be there.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 06, 2018, 11:17:12 PM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:   I am not certain if I should say congratulations about the promised appointment for FFS ... or I am sorry that you are going through the stress and the un-tolerable waiting for what may or may not come next for you.

Please allow me to send you lots of my hugs and more hugs....
I am trusting that you will get the news that you are seeking.
I will be following your thread as I always am to look for your next update.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 06, 2018, 11:37:48 PM
Hello Danielle,

Oh, congratulations are fine. I'm doing well, but hugs are always appreciated!

Knowing the raw stock I have to work with just gives me more motivation to make improvements. Since I'm getting by as is, anything that improves the base will just make the end result even better. I'm looking forward in eager anticipation to learn what their recommendations are. Whatever they say, I'm fairly convinced that a trip to Spain is in my future.

I've never been to Spain, but I kind of like the music. [emoji16]

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 07, 2018, 12:01:09 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 06, 2018, 11:37:48 PM
Hello Danielle,

Oh, congratulations are fine. I'm doing well, but hugs are always appreciated!

Knowing the raw stock I have to work with just gives me more motivation to make improvements. Since I'm getting by as is, anything that improves the base will just make the end result even better. I'm looking forward in eager anticipation to learn what their recommendations are. Whatever they say, I'm fairly convinced that a trip to Spain is in my future.

I've never been to Spain, but I kind of like the music. [emoji16]

Stephanie

@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:  It is difficult enough to find domestic FFS clinics that will have good reviews... but obviously be very careful about whatever clinic you select... be certain to check them out thoroughly as I am sure that you will do.
Spain, could be fun, perhaps you might consider bringing a close friend with you....  you know it could be dangerous for beautiful women to travel alone.....  I am a tough Alaskan, I could be your body guard.

Take care and be safe with your choices.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 07, 2018, 06:17:42 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 06, 2018, 11:06:13 PMIt was the email equivalent of, "Your call is important to us. Please hold and your call will be answered in the order received."
Oh, bummer, I hate waiting, too.  So I know how you must be feeling.  Still, you are taking steps to move forward, and that's always good.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 07, 2018, 07:20:16 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 07, 2018, 06:17:42 AM
Oh, bummer, I hate waiting, too.  So I know how you must be feeling.  Still, you are taking steps to move forward, and that's always good.

It's okay, Kathy. I kind of expected it. As you say, as long as I'm moving forward it's all good. When I found out that I'm on hold for GCS for what looks to be as much as a year, I needed something to focus on, and when it comes down to it, FFS and hair grafts are probably more important things to pursue at this point, considering that they're what the world sees every day.

Realistically I don't expect to be able to go to Spain for at least six months. It sounds like they're that busy. But that gives me something to look forward to as the 18 month GCS clock ticks. It's possible that I would be getting FFS around the time of my consultation for GCS, and I would have time to heal during the expected six month (or more) wait before GCS surgery. During that wait I would be presenting a fresh new face to the world, and that thought makes me very happy.

@Alaskan Danielle , you're certainly welcome to go on vacation in Spain with me. I'm considering going alone and focusing on the surgery with little time to vacation to save on the travel expenses, but anyone traveling at the same time is just more opportunity for fun, until they roll me into surgery.

After all, the line that I didn't quote from the song is:
"I hear the ladies are insane there."

Parrrrty!


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on July 07, 2018, 01:52:40 PM
As long as you take a UK trip and come visit , at least its not as long as my wait . Chuffed for you girl
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 07, 2018, 02:39:47 PM
Quote from: davina61 on July 07, 2018, 01:52:40 PM
As long as you take a UK trip and come visit , at least its not as long as my wait . Chuffed for you girl

Since money will be a main consideration, it's doubtful that I'll be able to do any additional touring while there, as much as I would love to visit. I keep thinking back to 2003, when I spent a month renting a cottage in the Cotswolds (Weston Subedge) and touring all the aviation museums I could find all over the country. I already know that I was practically in Megan's backyard at one point, and I wonder how many of my other new friends I drove right past.

Of course, back then transitioning was an impossible dream, not only for me, but I suspect for nearly all of us here...


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 07, 2018, 03:13:24 PM
Yesterday was one of those days. Frustration upon frustration, building to anger, but ending in a pretty awesome way.

I get some of my prescriptions filled at a local pharmacy inside a local store that's part of a national chain that shall go unnamed, other than it starts with Wal and ends with Mart. The story actually begins here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2091760/topicseen.html#msg2091760 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2091760/topicseen.html#msg2091760). That was back in February, when I thought I'd gotten my name changed in their pharmacy database.

My prescription was getting low, so I went online to order a refill. And what to my wondering eyes should appear? My deadname in their pharmacy database. WTH? So I spent literally hours in three different online chat sessions with their support people to try to get it fixed. Everyone was so nice, and so utterly ineffective. I finally gave up when I was locked out of my account due to too much fiddling around with it. I decided the only way to handle it at that point was to go to the pharmacy in person and out myself - again.

I got cleaned up and looking as good as I can, and marched up to the counter. The lady behind the counter looked familiar, and she seemed a little overworked and harassed. I thought that might lead to trouble, and I handed the empty prescription bottle over - which has the correct name on it, by the way. She typed it into the computer, paused, and looked sideways at me. It was at that point, I think, that she remembered our meeting back in February. Up to that point I think she was just helping another random lady. A gave her a smile and asked her if the information in her database was correct. She read it all off, and everything was right, including my name. Okay, now double WTH?

So I spilled the beans and told all the cr*p I'd been dealing with all morning, and she ended up being the most helpful, wonderful person I've dealt with in a long time. She got my name and pronouns right every single time, and in fact used my name it seemed in every other sentence. She even complimented me on my bracelet, as any woman would say nice things to another woman. She worked really hard to figure out what the problem was, and while she could see nothing wrong - so there was nothing she could fix, she was so nice that I thanked her profusely with, "You're the best!" when I took my prescription and went off into the store.

While I was shopping, an email came in from their support people, and I wandered back to the pharmacy, where I thought I'd show her what they'd said. I found her on a bench taking a break with her husband, where I showed her the message. Up until now she'd only seen me from the waist up as I stood behind the counter, but now she saw the skirt I was wearing and was profuse in her praise. We talked about where I got it and she decided she had to go find one. After bantering a bit more we parted, now on a first-name basis.

So while the problem still isn't solved completely, I feel like I made a new friend. People can be really cool sometimes...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 07, 2018, 03:29:26 PM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:  Your pharmacy story sounds quite familiar to me in some ways.....

I have always used a small non-chain pharmacy where I know the Pharmacist and the other couple of employees by name ... and when I became full-time I made a personal visit to the pharmacy and talked directly pharmacist to request my name and gender change...  he smiled at me and said that he had been expecting me to make those changes because over the first year and a half of HRT he has been seeing me change right before his eyes.  He was so helpful, kind and considerate, and like your pharmacist did with you, he and one of the other employees showered me with complements about my appearance.
My name change was don instantly while I was there.  He immediately reprinted the labels on the pill bottles to reflect my new name. 
I have since moved to my new town as a woman and established my name and gender as I arrived.  No more problems with that, although I did have a few words with the pharmacist here, she was so nice and said the nicest things regarding me, her new female customer.... obviously she knew I was a transwoman from the prescriptions she was filling.
There are indeed nice people out there, we can find them in the most unexpected places and in unexpected places.

Thanks for posting... started out as a bad day but ended up a wonderful experience at the end that you did not anticipate.
Hugs,
Danielle


Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on July 07, 2018, 03:50:43 PM
Stephanie!  I'm glad your pharmacist was so helpful and understanding, and now an ally as she is on a first name basis and asking "where did you get that skirt"!
These are interactions that women have, and you are a woman by all rights and reason.

Hugs and smiles, Jess
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on July 07, 2018, 04:11:26 PM
Stephanie, if you are still looking for fellow travelers for you Spain visit, Deb and I will be heading over there next April.

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 07, 2018, 04:19:18 PM
Quote from: Anne Blake on July 07, 2018, 04:11:26 PM
Stephanie, if you are still looking for fellow travelers for you Spain visit, Deb and I will be heading over there next April.

Tia Anne

I will definitely keep that in mind as I consult with FacialTeam! Wouldn't that be fun?

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 07, 2018, 04:51:33 PM
I've been intending to post this for a couple of weeks and kept forgetting. For months when I attend the trivia contest I attend weekly, I've been sitting next to the same guy. He knows my story, but has always been pretty cool about it, and always uses the right name. But apparently the occasion hasn't come up where he would refer to me in the third person, and a few weeks ago he misgendered me to Sue. I was shocked and upset after thinking for so long that I'd been fully accepted in my new role and gender.

As usual when I talked about it to some of my sympathetic team members, they made all the usual excuses for him: he knew you before, it wasn't on purpose, it takes a while to get used to the idea, etc. ad nauseum. I've been understanding for a very long time, but why is it that everybody else gets a break while I take the brunt of it all?

Anyway, I decided instead of dwelling on it, it was time to do something constructive. I sat down with my graphics program and designed business cards that I could pass out to people who need a reminder. Here is the front and back of what I came up with.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180707/a95fe836666e4cb8a21f79a09674cd7e.jpg)

I haven't had the opportunity to use one yet, but they're in the front pocket of my purse, ready for quick access as needed.

What do you think?

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on July 07, 2018, 07:08:34 PM
Hey Steph

I read your encounter with a colleague who misgendered you. I feel for you as I have always been very sensitive to being misgendered and misnamed. Part of the reason being that I had no confidence in my ability to move through the world as a woman without encountering a lot of resistance. I became and probably still am to a much smaller extent sensitive to misgendering and I was at one point almost hyper vigilant when it came to my name and pronouns.


There are a number of times I have posted here about being misgendered and the distress it causes me. I eventually came to realise that there was only one place I was being misgender and that was from people who had known me prior to transition. In many cases this was nothing other than muscle memory and people corrected themselves and moved on. I managed to actually narrow the misgendering down to a couple of people and to correct the situation with one of them. On the rare occasion they misgender me, that person now immeadiately corrects themself and continues with the conversation...which is exactly what I have always asked for. All this took a lot of tears and time to work out because misgendering feels (to me) like such a personal attack...one thing I had to learn about it, is that in most cases, its not an "attack" at all but a simple brain fart. In the cases where it is deliberate then that changes things because it beceomes about the perpertators real point of misgendering you.


I think your cards are nice and they make the point very clearly. I wonder how it will change the dynamic of the interaction. I wonder if this will break the flow of conversation and throw a great big spotlight onto the person that has misgendered you....if that is what you want to do then I think it will do that.

If that misgendering was deliberate then the issue is most likely goes deeper than pronouns so the card may be the perfect physical reminder of what is considered acceptable. Once received there is no excuse for getting it wrong deliberately.


I hope you are feeling better about it all and I can see by the effort you have gone too how much the whole thing has upset you. 

Take care

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 09, 2018, 11:44:51 PM
Quote from: ElizabethK on July 07, 2018, 07:08:34 PM
I read your encounter with a colleague who misgendered you. I feel for you as I have always been very sensitive to being misgendered and misnamed. Part of the reason being that I had no confidence in my ability to move through the world as a woman without encountering a lot of resistance. I became and probably still am to a much smaller extent sensitive to misgendering and I was at one point almost hyper vigilant when it came to my name and pronouns.

Hi Liz,

Thanks for your wise thoughts. I admit that much of my aversion to being misgendered is due to self-esteem issues. I have friends who are strong and confident enough that they just brush off such things. One told me that GCS turned her mind completely around. There could no longer be any doubt who she was, and if other people don't get it, that's their problem. Maybe that will happen with me, too, but it looks like I won't find out for at least a year.

Hyper-vigilant is a good term for my attitude right now. I hear "him" and "sir" all the time, and I have to ask whomever I'm with if it had actually been said. In every case lately they say they didn't hear such a thing.

QuoteI eventually came to realise that there was only one place I was being misgender and that was from people who had known me prior to transition. In many cases this was nothing other than muscle memory and people corrected themselves and moved on. I managed to actually narrow the misgendering down to a couple of people and to correct the situation with one of them. On the rare occasion they misgender me, that person now immeadiately corrects themself and continues with the conversation...which is exactly what I have always asked for. All this took a lot of tears and time to work out because misgendering feels (to me) like such a personal attack...one thing I had to learn about it, is that in most cases, its not an "attack" at all but a simple brain fart. In the cases where it is deliberate then that changes things because it beceomes about the perpertators real point of misgendering you.

Generally speaking, the people I've known for a long time are making a concerted effort to get it right. There is one in the neighborhood who doesn't seem to be putting any effort into it, but I believe it's not meant as an attack. The current theory is he's a little embarrassed by the whole thing and doesn't quite know how to handle it. It's interesting that when one of my other neighbors is in the group and gets it right, the reluctant one gets it right, too - a few times. Then he reverts back to the male pronouns.

I have never regarded any of the misgendering incidents as attacks. If someone did do it it wouldn't bother me nearly as much as those who make a simple mistake. In the case of those who knew me before, if they get it wrong now, it feels like disrespect - like they aren't willing to make an effort to keep from hurting their neighbor. I see these people a lot, and it's been ten months since I came out to them. After putting so much effort and so many tears into getting where I am now, it seems such a small effort for someone to figure it out.

In the two cases where I was misgendered by strangers, one cut pretty deep, and the other was a complete mystery. In neither case do I believe they were done as attacks - they seemed to be simple mistakes. So I ended up turning it back on myself. What did I do wrong? Do I really look that bad? What did they see to think I was male? How in the world do I fix it if I don't know why it happened? My brain would go round and round and I'd end up in a black hole of depression. Happily, it hasn't happened recently, but just those two incidents have me wondering all the time what people are seeing. Am I really a woman to them, or are they seeing the remnants of "him" and just being nice?

Since I seem to be doing better with strangers than with people I've known for a long time, I find myself in a strange situation. I'm more comfortable with complete strangers than I am with the people I love most. So I have the terrible choice of being with people who I used to enjoy being around who now make me uncomfortable, or being known as the correct gender but being utterly alone. In reality, of course, both situations are unavoidable, and the only choice is to just keep muddling forward, dealing with whatever comes up.

QuoteI think your cards are nice and they make the point very clearly. I wonder how it will change the dynamic of the interaction. I wonder if this will break the flow of conversation and throw a great big spotlight onto the person that has misgendered you....if that is what you want to do then I think it will do that.

My intention was never to "weaponize" the cards. Calling someone out publicly and embarrassing them is likely to have the opposite effect of what's intended. In the case of the guy who did it recently, I intend to catch him alone and give him one while quietly telling him that misgendering hurts, and that the card is meant to be a gentle reminder.

In the case of my neighbor, Cassie believes the situation will eventually be self-correcting. Some day everyone else will get it right, and he'll be the one that stands out like an idiot. That may be true, but he's a definite Type A personality and extremely sure of himself, so we'll see. The one thing I know is he's not cruel or uncaring, so I think what I may do, instead of confronting him directly, is just leave one of those cards where he'll find it, and say no more. He may not even realize what he's doing, and a quiet reminder may be all he needs.

QuoteIf that misgendering was deliberate then the issue is most likely goes deeper than pronouns so the card may be the perfect physical reminder of what is considered acceptable. Once received there is no excuse for getting it wrong deliberately.

My take on it is if someone does it deliberately, they have an agenda, and a card isn't going to change their behavior. Anyone who behaves that way isn't worth my consideration. I'll know that I hadn't made a mistake - they're just so-and-so's.

QuoteI hope you are feeling better about it all and I can see by the effort you have gone too how much the whole thing has upset you.

In this latest case, I felt more wry resignation than sadness or anger. And instead of stewing over it as I used to do, it drove me to try something new, and also gave an outlet to the frustration through a little artwork. So if nothing else, I was able to refocus on something potentially positive. We'll see how it works out.

Thanks so much for your insights!

Stephanie

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 10, 2018, 08:42:04 PM
I just wrote:
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 09, 2018, 11:44:51 PM
...those two incidents have me wondering all the time what people are seeing. Am I really a woman to them, or are they seeing the remnants of "him" and just being nice?

Okay, I feel both elated and stupid this evening. After whining (or whinging, to our UK friends) about others not seeing "her", I had an amazing experience tonight.

Some of you may remember that after coming out I was nevertheless voted back into the position of president of our flying club. We occasionally have people show up at our meetings to check out our club to see if they'd like to join. That happened last month, and after I ran the meeting I introduced myself to the prospective new members. During that meeting, I was misgendered twice by other members who've known me a long time. I wondered, then, if the new members noticed and if they would be back.

Well, tonight I ran another meeting, and sure enough, they came back. The guy sat right next to me, with his wife across the table, and said they intended to join the club. And then the Sqeee-inducing moment happened.

By unusual coincidence, the only people attending were my pilot friend (who is also MTF trans), her sister, the lady from across the runway, another woman friend and her husband, my wife, and me.

As the table quieted down before the meeting started, the new guy told everyone how he had visited at least two other clubs in the area, and the membership of each was almost all male. He was pleasantly surprised that when he walked into the room, there was only one guy there - my friend's husband.

I had to run the entire meeting with this huge SQUEEEEEE building inside of me.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on July 10, 2018, 10:24:19 PM
Good for you Steph whatever gets the "squeee" happening in your life has to be a good thing. Being validated just never seems to get old  :D

Take care

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 11, 2018, 06:25:27 AM
It's dangerous to contain a squee for long: you could rupture something.  So I'll help you.  1, 2, 3, SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

How wonderful to be casually recognized for who you are!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 11, 2018, 07:38:20 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 11, 2018, 06:25:27 AM
It's dangerous to contain a squee for long: you could rupture something.  So I'll help you.  1, 2, 3, SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Oh, believe me, when I got home I shook the windows! I think I heard a few wine glasses shatter in the cupboard. (I wish I could hit that register...)

But, just like with spins, a bad recovery from the initial one can induce a second. I'm glad my Tutor instructor is here to talk me through it...

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!



Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on July 11, 2018, 07:42:32 AM
I remember when analog radios in aircraft had a Squelch knob.  If you have one on the shelf change the label to a Squeeee knob
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 11, 2018, 07:51:05 AM
A Blast From the Past:

While trying to straighten out my Walmart Pharmacy account, I ended up signing up for weekly ads. I received the first one this morning. It showed sales, suggestions... and a "Continue Shopping" section.

There on the list were fourteen suggestions for flaxseed. Immediately I was thrown back to around February 2017, when I had reached the point where I tried self-medicating through herbals and any other non-prescription means I could find. I had hit upon saw palmetto and flaxseed.

All of that old pain and dysphoria came barreling at me like Indiana Jones' stone.  But before it crushed me I realized where I was. Who I was. And what I'd accomplished. And I realized that stone was made of styrofoam and had no more power to hurt me.

It became no more than a curiosity, a distant memory overwhelmed by later wonderful events.

Moving on...


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on July 11, 2018, 07:53:02 AM
STEPH!!  catching up, lets see..  small unhappy because, down moments suck :(

a big happy because, SQUEEEeee ...  :icon_biggrin:

past reminders. They are a good thing, they show how far you've come.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 11, 2018, 08:00:00 AM
Quote from: Kendra on July 11, 2018, 07:42:32 AM
I remember when analog radios in aircraft had a Squelch knob.  If you have one on the shelf change the label to a Squeeee knob

Now I'm wondering: would I want to turn it up or turn it down?


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on July 11, 2018, 08:34:32 AM
If wine glasses shatter it's calibrated beyond ten.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on July 11, 2018, 04:42:06 PM
Stephanie, it's so great to see you moving forward and continuing to find Squeeeee moments. I don't expect those moments will ever get old. I like your reference to the Indiana Jones ball. You are correct, the past does not have the power to hurt you in the present. It is only a memory which you can treat however you like. You can let that ball be a giant rock to squash you, or you can choose for that ball to be styrofoam and harmlessly bounce away. I'm glad you chose styrofoam. I am very proud of you. You have come a long way! [emoji846]

I recommend you practice high power Squeeeee's in a safe environment. Glass shattering around you can be hazardous.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 14, 2018, 12:23:23 AM
The last couple of days have been pretty cool. A few bad things overwhelming overwhelmed by good things.

Bad: My internet service went down.
Bad: I dropped my phone face down. Now there are two green go-faster stripes down the middle of the screen.
Bad: while trying to get support for my internet service, I realized that the account still had whatsisname on it.
Bad: halfway through the day the power went out.

But!!
Good: using my very best voice, I called to get my name changed on the account. I told Mr. Barely-speaks-English my old and new names, and after he consulted with someone, asked the spelling for Stephanie. No problem, all taken care of.
Frustratingly Silly: I logged into the account, and the screen came up with, "Good Afternoon Stethanie." Argh.
Good: Called back and talked to someone else, who called me "Miss Stephanie" and "ma'am" for the entire call. This is only the third time my voice has worked on the phone. It took a lot of work, but it proved that I can do it. And she fixed the spelling.
Good: The technician showed up, did some troubleshooting, then said "Thank you, ma'am" as he drove off to check wiring. When he left after verifying it was working, he told my wife and me, "Have a nice day, ladies."
Good: I got my nails done. I was feeling brave, so I tried a color completely outside my comfort zone. And I love it!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180714/bf7ea0d82cdced14db5fdead7c84480e.jpg)

Good: I took another chance and bought some stretch workout capris in a floral pattern, again something outside my old comfort zone. And not only do they fit, I love they way they look with my exercise togs.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180714/ade2beea5b9722615a742b423f12c2d6.jpg)

Good: When paying for the stuff at the store: "Have a nice day, ma'am."

Good: Susan's denizen @Dani came by two nights in a row and we had great conversations and went out to dinner each night.

Summary: My voice worked on the phone! I was correctly gendered with zero mistakes both on the phone and in person. I got beautiful new nails and clothes. And I got to spend time with a friend who gets it.

That counts as a pretty good couple of days.



Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on July 14, 2018, 12:35:36 AM
Your "Goods" out number your "Bads" by a long shot.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on July 14, 2018, 01:02:25 AM
Great couple of days Stethanie......I mean Stephanie! [emoji16][emoji16][emoji16]

Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 14, 2018, 01:03:11 AM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie.... all in all, you posted a very good update... your pictures, your voice passing the phone test, the technician correctly addressing you as ma'am, good times with Dani.... etc.

.... and like @Jessica stated... "Your Goods out number your Bads by a long shot"

Again, thank for your very encouraging update.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 14, 2018, 07:51:31 AM
You are rockin' it, sister!  I love the photo of you in your exercise togs.  Very stylish!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on July 14, 2018, 05:27:17 PM
Way to go...positives outweighing the negatives...always a good thing

What you call capri's we call leggings and I have several pairs mainly for exercise and even a few for wearing under skirts or tunics in the colder weather. I love the nail colour. I am going to get my nails done but the practicality of having long nails always stops me. Hope you keep having a fabulous day!!

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 15, 2018, 10:33:59 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on July 14, 2018, 01:02:25 AM
Great couple of days Stethanie......I mean Stephanie! [emoji16][emoji16][emoji16]

Jayne

Yes they were, Tchain.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 15, 2018, 11:35:34 PM
Well, in @sarah1972  's tradition, here's my weekend update.

After @Dani  left Saturday morning after occupying our guest room, I headed out for a series of appointments.

First up, meet up with @SassyCassie , then head out to get my brows waxed and tinted. With my forehead looking spiffy, next up was a meeting with a new therapist.

Cassie had recommended him, and I immediately trusted him. After a year of appointments with another therapist (who quit unexpectedly due to family issues) I knew what was expected of me, and I opened up and told him all about me and what I was feeling. I felt he was always going to tell me the un-sugar-coated truth, so I was surprised when after I told him about my fears of being misgendered, he stopped and stared, and then asked, "Why would anyone misgender you?" I showed him the raw headshots I'd sent to FacialTeam and he kept looking back and forth from the pics to me and trying to reconcile them. "This is really you? Is it different makeup? Is it the light?" He finally just gave up and took my word for it.

I know you all keep telling me that I'm doing fine, but I can't help thinking that you're just being nice. But I came out of the meeting knowing that he wasn't going to lie to me (he was brutally honest about some other things we'd talked about) and it was a huge boost to my confidence to hear his positive assessment.

We talked about plenty of other things, too, then the hour was up and it was off to get my phone fixed at the Fruit Store. Unfortunately I'd screwed up when I made the appointment, and I couldn't fix the problem that day, so we went to lunch. The cool thing? Both Cassie and I were correctly gendered over and over again. Not a single mistake by anyone.

A stop to pick up some snacks, then off to a pool party being hosted by an ally of many of the trans groups around Orlando. She opened her house to all trans members and their guests, and it was a wonderfully fun and safe space, where nobody had to worry about being judged. With that in mind I gathered my courage and wore my two-piece swimsuit, but this time I wore the bikini top instead of the long one. I covered up with a towel for a while, but when it came time to have some fun in the pool, after a little hesitation I took off the towel and went in. Hopefully someone will post pics on Facebook, because I don't have any where I'm not covered with the towel. A bunch of us were lined up in this photo, all striking poses with matching white sunglasses. Everyone was glamorous, but I don't have permission to post their picture, so I cropped them out.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180716/b99ed4b949fd335451489084bcd59ecd.jpg)

The next day, Sunday, was scheduled for a bike ride. I haven't ridden more than a couple of miles since I started transitioning, so I didn't know what to expect. We loaded our bikes on the Collossus and headed for a bike trail.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180716/5edd6de1a3a073ddde0ab442c63a9744.jpg)

It was at least 90F and at the 7.5 mile mark we were glistening heavily, and decided that was far enough out for the first day.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180716/6abaab5bbf98447f87e5887ab1da8e67.jpg)

While we were cooling off, Cassie told me that a rider who had just gone by was checking out my butt. Oh my! I guess that counts for affirmation!

We turned around and headed back, stopping at a Starbucks for air conditioning, iced tea, and some fruit, before we finished the ride back to the Colossus.

When we got to the trailhead, another couple asked us whether our vehicle had been broken into, too. Uh oh. But no, we were okay. Someone had broken their window and stolen their wallets. Our purses were in the back seat, but no problem. Before we drove out I decided to practice my voice, and I found the driver and asked if he needed anything, or a ride somewhere. He didn't, but we had a short conversation and apparently my voice and presentation worked okay. Admittedly there was no problem at Starbucks, the grocery store, or anywhere else either. I'm still trying to get my head around the idea that people are actually seeing what I want them to. It's something to talk to the therapist about.

Dinner, then back home, shower, jammies, and write this report for all y'all. Now bedtime. It was a pretty cool weekend.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on July 16, 2018, 05:58:25 AM
Quote
I told him about my fears of being misgendered, he stopped and stared, and then asked, "Why would anyone misgender you?" I showed him the raw headshots I'd sent to FacialTeam and he kept looking back and forth from the pics to me and trying to reconcile them. "This is really you? Is it different makeup? Is it the light?" He finally just gave up and took my word for it.

I know you all keep telling me that I'm doing fine, but I can't help thinking that you're just being nice. But I came out of the meeting knowing that he wasn't going to lie to me (he was brutally honest about some other things we'd talked about) and it was a huge boost to my confidence to hear his positive assessment.

....

I'm still trying to get my head around the idea that people are actually seeing what I want them to.
Stephanie,

It took a new therapist for you to start believing what your friends have been telling you for a long time. I'm tempted to say "we told you so", but that isn't necessary. The important thing is that you are beginning to understand that you pass. People do see what you want them to. It's time to let go of some of your self criticism and throw away the magnifying glass you use to look at yourself. You are doing so much better than you think you are.

Glad the rest of your weekend also went well.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on July 16, 2018, 08:31:41 AM
And what kind of update you wrote @Steph2.0! You seem to have had an awesome weekend. So nice to be invited to a like-minded pool party, that certainly helps feel comfortable.

You made so much amazing progress. It will take a while or maybe never that you and I can take it for granted to be gendered correctly. I also noticed it happened from one day to another, like someone flipped a switch.  It seems like your switch got flipped a while ago!

So great to see you enjoy all these happy activities.

Hugs,

Sarah
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on July 16, 2018, 01:30:39 PM
I know I sometimes need glasses but not to see the woman in the pics. Pool party , yes please its gone muggy here and keep breaking out in a sweat!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 16, 2018, 02:30:39 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 15, 2018, 11:35:34 PMafter I told him about my fears of being misgendered, he stopped and stared, and then asked, "Why would anyone misgender you?"
See, told you!

I am glad that your new therapist is a good fit for you.  I totally love the pool pic, as well as the hot biker chicks!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 16, 2018, 02:37:08 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 16, 2018, 02:30:39 PM
See, told you!

I am glad that your new therapist is a good fit for you.  I totally love the pool pic, as well as the hot biker chicks!

Let's see:

Sweaty, check.
Bicycles, check.
Girls, check.

Sure enough, Hot Biker Chicks! [emoji28]

Thank you, Kathy.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 16, 2018, 07:17:22 PM
Quote from: davina61 on July 16, 2018, 01:30:39 PM
I know I sometimes need glasses but not to see the woman in the pics. Pool party , yes please its gone muggy here and keep breaking out in a sweat!!

Thank you, Davina. I don't want to jinx myself, but all these kind comment have me starting to doubt my doubts, if you get my meaning.

Heat and humidity seem to be regarded as foreign concepts to the UK, but not in my experience. I've only been there once, and it was in the summer of 2003. The weather was exactly as I'd left behind in Florida. Cattle were dying in the fields in France, fans were sold out everywhere, and waitstaff in restaurants carried around big bowls of crushed ice for anyone who wanted some in their lemon squash.

Unrelated, my favorite meal was a ploughman's lunch enjoyed on the banks of the Avon in Stratford, second only to bangers and mash, with spotted dick for dessert.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 16, 2018, 07:25:37 PM
Quote from: sarah1972 on July 16, 2018, 08:31:41 AM
And what kind of update you wrote @Steph2.0! You seem to have had an awesome weekend. So nice to be invited to a like-minded pool party, that certainly helps feel comfortable.

You made so much amazing progress. It will take a while or maybe never that you and I can take it for granted to be gendered correctly. I also noticed it happened from one day to another, like someone flipped a switch.  It seems like your switch got flipped a while ago!

So great to see you enjoy all these happy activities.

Thank you, Sarah.

Just living the life, eh girlfriend? The new normal? I'm still hyper-vigilant, but starting to wonder about whether I can think about considering maybe not worrying quite so much.

When I do allow myself to relax a little, life is a lot more enjoyable. I may try it more often.

Oh, and while I do love teddy bears, I like your updated avatar better!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 16, 2018, 07:38:18 PM
Quote from: Jayne01 on July 16, 2018, 05:58:25 AM
Stephanie,

It took a new therapist for you to start believing what your friends have been telling you for a long time. I'm tempted to say "we told you so", but that isn't necessary. The important thing is that you are beginning to understand that you pass. People do see what you want them to. It's time to let go of some of your self criticism and throw away the magnifying glass you use to look at yourself. You are doing so much better than you think you are.

Glad the rest of your weekend also went well.

Thank you, Jayne. I do seem to be getting an awfully lot of those ITYS posts lately. I went out to lunch with a wonderfully supportive ciswoman today, and she said the same thing. She is in her seventies and still looks great and so well put together. She has helped me so much with "how to girl" advice, and I asked her again today whether she had anything to suggest to improve my presentation. Just as last time I asked, she couldn't think of anything. [emoji44]

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on July 17, 2018, 12:46:53 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 16, 2018, 07:38:18 PM
..... and I asked her again today whether she had anything to suggest to improve my presentation. Just as last time I asked, she couldn't think of anything. [emoji44]
Stephanie, I think it's time for you to find the nearest trash can and dispose of the last remaining self doubts you carry around with you. You have done it! You have successfully transitioned. Any surgeries or procedures you wish to do in the future are for your own personal benefit, and not for making you passable as a woman. You already pass very well.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on July 17, 2018, 03:49:13 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 15, 2018, 11:35:34 PM
.... I felt he was always going to tell me the un-sugar-coated truth, so I was surprised when after I told him about my fears of being misgendered, he stopped and stared, and then asked, "Why would anyone misgender you?"

I know you all keep telling me that I'm doing fine, but I can't help thinking that you're just being nice. ......

I wonder were we just being nice...lets see....

Quote..... The cool thing? Both Cassie and I were correctly gendered over and over again. Not a single mistake by anyone.



.....While we were cooling off, Cassie told me that a rider who had just gone by was checking out my butt. Oh my! I guess that counts for affirmation!...



..... Before we drove out I decided to practice my voice, and I found the driver and asked if he needed anything, or a ride somewhere. He didn't, but we had a short conversation and apparently my voice and presentation worked okay.
Stephanie


I guess we weren't.


Have some confidence girl you got it happening  ;)

Take care

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 17, 2018, 10:41:53 AM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:
I loved this posting of yours... all three pictures are truly wonderful for us to see.  Your very first picture in your summer outfit depicts a beautiful woman for sure sipping her ice tea.

The other 2 pictures of both you and @SassyCassie are very nice.  Both of you ladies look great with your bicycles by your side. ... oh, and Cassie, I love your purple headband... looks very good on you.

.... and Stephanie, in my opinion you have no reason to doubt your transition and your appearance...  and you even got your butt checked out by a passing male bike rider...  what could be more affirming and confidence boosting than that????

Thanks for your updates... I really don't see any bad news here...  all good!!!!
Hugs and continued well wishes,
Danielle




Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 15, 2018, 11:35:34 PM
Well, in @sarah1972  's tradition, here's my weekend update.

After @Dani  left Saturday morning after occupying our guest room, I headed out for a series of appointments.

First up, meet up with @SassyCassie , then head out to get my brows waxed and tinted. With my forehead looking spiffy, next up was a meeting with a new therapist.

Cassie had recommended him, and I immediately trusted him. After a year of appointments with another therapist (who quit unexpectedly due to family issues) I knew what was expected of me, and I opened up and told him all about me and what I was feeling. I felt he was always going to tell me the un-sugar-coated truth, so I was surprised when after I told him about my fears of being misgendered, he stopped and stared, and then asked, "Why would anyone misgender you?" I showed him the raw headshots I'd sent to FacialTeam and he kept looking back and forth from the pics to me and trying to reconcile them. "This is really you? Is it different makeup? Is it the light?" He finally just gave up and took my word for it.

I know you all keep telling me that I'm doing fine, but I can't help thinking that you're just being nice. But I came out of the meeting knowing that he wasn't going to lie to me (he was brutally honest about some other things we'd talked about) and it was a huge boost to my confidence to hear his positive assessment.

We talked about plenty of other things, too, then the hour was up and it was off to get my phone fixed at the Fruit Store. Unfortunately I'd screwed up when I made the appointment, and I couldn't fix the problem that day, so we went to lunch. The cool thing? Both Cassie and I were correctly gendered over and over again. Not a single mistake by anyone.

A stop to pick up some snacks, then off to a pool party being hosted by an ally of many of the trans groups around Orlando. She opened her house to all trans members and their guests, and it was a wonderfully fun and safe space, where nobody had to worry about being judged. With that in mind I gathered my courage and wore my two-piece swimsuit, but this time I wore the bikini top instead of the long one. I covered up with a towel for a while, but when it came time to have some fun in the pool, after a little hesitation I took off the towel and went in. Hopefully someone will post pics on Facebook, because I don't have any where I'm not covered with the towel. A bunch of us were lined up in this photo, all striking poses with matching white sunglasses. Everyone was glamorous, but I don't have permission to post their picture, so I cropped them out.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180716/b99ed4b949fd335451489084bcd59ecd.jpg)

The next day, Sunday, was scheduled for a bike ride. I haven't ridden more than a couple of miles since I started transitioning, so I didn't know what to expect. We loaded our bikes on the Collossus and headed for a bike trail.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180716/5edd6de1a3a073ddde0ab442c63a9744.jpg)

It was at least 90F and at the 7.5 mile mark we were glistening heavily, and decided that was far enough out for the first day.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180716/6abaab5bbf98447f87e5887ab1da8e67.jpg)

While we were cooling off, Cassie told me that a rider who had just gone by was checking out my butt. Oh my! I guess that counts for affirmation!

We turned around and headed back, stopping at a Starbucks for air conditioning, iced tea, and some fruit, before we finished the ride back to the Colossus.

When we got to the trailhead, another couple asked us whether our vehicle had been broken into, too. Uh oh. But no, we were okay. Someone had broken their window and stolen their wallets. Our purses were in the back seat, but no problem. Before we drove out I decided to practice my voice, and I found the driver and asked if he needed anything, or a ride somewhere. He didn't, but we had a short conversation and apparently my voice and presentation worked okay. Admittedly there was no problem at Starbucks, the grocery store, or anywhere else either. I'm still trying to get my head around the idea that people are actually seeing what I want them to. It's something to talk to the therapist about.

Dinner, then back home, shower, jammies, and write this report for all y'all. Now bedtime. It was a pretty cool weekend.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 17, 2018, 04:01:08 PM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 17, 2018, 10:41:53 AM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:
I loved this posting of yours... all three pictures are truly wonderful for us to see.  Your very first picture in your summer outfit depicts a beautiful woman for sure sipping her ice tea.

The other 2 pictures of both you and @SassyCassie are very nice.  Both of you ladies look great with your bicycles by your side. ... oh, and Cassie, I love your purple headband... looks very good on you.

.... and Stephanie, in my opinion you have no reason to doubt your transition and your appearance...  and you even got your butt checked out by a passing male bike rider...  what could be more affirming and confidence boosting than that????

Thanks for your updates... I really don't see any bad news here...  all good!!!!
Hugs and continued well wishes,
Danielle


Thank you so much Danielle. While I'll never be 35 and cute like you, I guess I'm starting to believe I'm doing okay for a 59 year old lady.

But iced tea? Really? I'll have you know that was a piña colada!

Stephanie

PS: the second picture of Cassie and me would be appropriate for your hot and sweaty montage. We were both glistening quite heavily.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 17, 2018, 06:36:00 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 17, 2018, 04:01:08 PM
Thank you so much Danielle. While I'll never be 35 and cute like you, I guess I'm starting to believe I'm doing okay for a 59 year old lady.

But iced tea? Really? I'll have you know that was a piña colada!

Stephanie

PS: the second picture of Cassie and me would be appropriate for your hot and sweaty montage. We were both glistening quite heavily.

@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:   Excuse me... I am 38 I will have you know, but thank you for pegging me at 3 years younger...
... a wonderful compliment indeed.

Just so you know I do not think that you look 59, more like late 40's or early 50's at most.   
You are beautiful and you don't forget it!!!  It must be the hormones.

Ahhh, so that is why you are smiling so much, not iced tea but rather an Adult Beverage or two  :o

My hot and sweaty montage project is lagging behind, I only have about 8  pictures and captions arranged so far... a bigger project that I imagined... I will blame the delay on all of the summer activities and Suitor #4.

Thanks for updating and responding to my questions and comments...
Stay sweet and beautiful...

Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 18, 2018, 10:19:37 AM
Yesterday was an interesting, educational, and affirming day.

It started with a visit to a new electrocutioner. So far those I've seen have used thermolysis. This one uses a blend of galvanic and thermolysis. And wow, what a difference. Where the one I normally go to ends up scraping me off the ceiling, with the couch soaking wet with sweat when we're done, with this one I literally fell asleep. It's much slower, maybe half as many hairs in a session, but not only is it orders of magnitude less painful, it's also quite a bit less expensive. I've been paying $120/hour, and one I saw a few weeks ago, while still using thermolysis and less painful, wanted $150/hour. With this one I can get a block of 10 hours for $450. Even if it takes twice as long to get the same numbers of hairs, it's still substantially cheaper. In this case I used a Groupon for 2 hours for $55.

HNT finished, it was on to the fruit store to get my phone fixed. I was correctly named and gendered for the entire visit, including by the young woman who sat shoulder to shoulder with me to diagnose the phone. We had a nice conversation while taking care of business, and I walked out with a new replacement phone.

Lunchtime! To the food mall and Johnny Rockets.

The guy at the register seemed to be the manager. Well spoken, probably late 40s mostly bald gentleman. He was joking with a couple at the register who were obviously friends of his. They apologized and told me to go ahead. Mr. Manager asked, can I help you ma'am? I ordered, and he asked me if I was having a good day. I told him yes, a pretty good day. He then said, "Well, you're looking good!" I thanked him, and he said he wasn't looking so good today, and I told him he was doing fine. He then complimented me on my hat, and we bantered a little about it actually being a visor. He then did the standard "thank you ma'am, and have a nice day". He seemed like the jovial type who would say such things to anyone, but it was still affirming.

Standing at the end of the line was a lady wearing a t-shirt that said something like, "Why be bigoted, racist, homophobic, or transphobic when you could just be quiet?" I had to tell her I loved her shirt. I suppose "just be quiet" is nicer than STFU.

A small conversation in the ladies room and it was homeward bound.

Then on to Tuesday night trivia. Once again, no awkwardness and treated as the lady I am.

Just another day in the life, and more proof that I need to relax.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 18, 2018, 10:34:48 AM
snipped: 
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 18, 2018, 10:19:37 AM
Yesterday was an interesting, educational, and affirming day.
- - - - - - -
HNT finished, it was on to the fruit store to get my phone fixed. I was correctly named and gendered for the entire visit, including by the young woman who sat shoulder to shoulder with me to diagnose the phone. We had a nice conversation while taking care of business, and I walked out with a new replacement phone.
- - - - - - -
The guy at the register seemed to be the manager. Well spoken, probably late 40s mostly bald gentleman. He was joking with a couple at the register who were obviously friends of his. They apologized and told me to go ahead. Mr. Manager asked, can I help you ma'am? I ordered, and he asked me if I was having a good day. I told him yes, a pretty good day. He then said, "Well, you're looking good!" I thanked him, and he said he wasn't looking so good today, and I told him he was doing fine. He then complimented me on my hat, and we bantered a little about it actually being a visor. He then did the standard "thank you ma'am, and have a nice day". He seemed like the jovial type who would say such things to anyone, but it was still affirming.
- - - - - - - -
Standing at the end of the line was a lady wearing a t-shirt that said something like, "Why be bigoted, racist, homophobic, or transphobic when you could just be quiet?" I had to tell her I loved her shirt. I suppose "just be quiet" is nicer than STFU.

A small conversation in the ladies room and it was homeward bound.

Then on to Tuesday night trivia. Once again, no awkwardness and treated as the lady I am.

Just another day in the life, and more proof that I need to relax.

Stephanie

@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:  Thanks for posting your update..... your readers and followers want to know these things and what is going on in your world.... so thank you.

You have already had a full day of activities... well, a half day.   
Here is is only 7:30AM... just starting out.  Where I am is is cool, this early morning it was 41 degrees, going up to 65 degrees, partly cloudy... much better than the high heat all around parts of the USA.... definitely not bikini weather, but I will take it!!!
       Well, I conclude that the evidence is in, the jury has decided....
   you are now convicted of being a woman in everyone's eyes.

                 So, yes, you now need to relax, the pressure is off.

OH, and I love the t-shirt that you described and your comments about it:
"Standing at the end of the line was a lady wearing a t-shirt that said something like, "Why be bigoted, racist, homophobic, or transphobic when you could just be quiet?" I had to tell her I loved her shirt. I suppose "just be quiet" is nicer than STFU."

Thanks Stephanie for posting this very good news report.
Hugs and well wishes as always.... 
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 18, 2018, 11:24:33 AM
Today was a visit to my eye doctor. This is the first time he got to meet me, though I've been going there for ten years. I dropped by a few months ago to get my records changed, and the girl behind the counter warmly congratulated me. This time there was no weirdness with any of the staff as they did the preliminary stuff before the doctor came in. One even looked at me and said, "Miss Bensinger? Please come with me."

The doctor and I passed in the hall and said a quick hi, then I sat in the room waiting for him.

When he came in he seemed a bit hesitant. He asked how I was doing, and I told him, "Better than ever!" using the best voice I could muster.

"Better than ever, eh?"

"Oh, yes."

He fumbled around getting logged into his computer, and we talked a little bit about how computers are supposed to make our lives easier. He was quieter than normal, and he read me off the results of my tests (all good).

He then said, "Please forgive me if I'm being indelicate. The long hair, the painted nails, and..." he gestured, indicating the cute outfit I was wearing, "...are you transitioning?"

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180718/69c3ae8ff9abb174d75b59f21d01e036.jpg)

With a big smile I told him, "I Am!"

"Okay. I'm from the south where I learned to use sir and ma'am, so please forgive me if I get it wrong sometimes."

I told him that while I'll never get used to it, I certainly understand. He told me that while the name is correct in the records, it still showed the gender as male, and he'd make sure that got corrected. A few more tests and questions, more relaxed now, and it was off to the front desk, where he discreetly told the office manager to fix the records. I talked with her a bit about how difficult it is to get your name changed everywhere, we wished each other a good day, and I was out of there.

I'd been wondering how it would go, and having mixed-up records confused things, though apparently the staff never looked at the gender marker, based on the way I was treated. All but one seemed to be new since the last time I was there, so they don't know anyone but who I now present as. All in all it was a positive experience, and I had no embarrassment at all. It was actually more amusing than awkward.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 18, 2018, 12:14:28 PM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 18, 2018, 10:34:48 AM
snipped: 
@Steph2.0
"Standing at the end of the line was a lady wearing a t-shirt that said something like, "Why be bigoted, racist, homophobic, or transphobic when you could just be quiet?" I had to tell her I loved her shirt. I suppose "just be quiet" is nicer than STFU."

It turns out I slightly misquoted it, but I found the shirt she was wearing on Amazon. This is it:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180718/9576306fa9d3368769aaf1461be76746.jpg)


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 18, 2018, 06:42:31 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 18, 2018, 11:24:33 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180718/69c3ae8ff9abb174d75b59f21d01e036.jpg)
Stephanie, you are looking great!  So nice to hear about your good esperiences, and that you are growing in confidence as you get out there being yourself. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on July 18, 2018, 07:03:43 PM
Yes, certainly looking good!  My eye doctor is just as nice.  No drama, just the way it should be. 
Judi
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 18, 2018, 07:10:15 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 18, 2018, 06:42:31 PM
Stephanie, you are looking great!  So nice to hear about your good esperiences, and that you are growing in confidence as you get out there being yourself.

Thank you, Kathy. And wow, I love your new avatar. You look radiant!


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 18, 2018, 07:14:48 PM
Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on July 18, 2018, 07:03:43 PM
Yes, certainly looking good!  My eye doctor is just as nice.  No drama, just the way it should be. 
Judi

Thanks Judi. Despite the horror stories I've seen, I've had nothing but professional treatment from professionals, and friendly treatment from friends - but hardly any strange treatment from strangers.

You're looking good, too! Your eyes are certainly blue, but you do look a little pale. Maybe you should get some sun! [emoji16]


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 20, 2018, 03:30:02 PM
What is it with this world? Why do I hear so many horror stories when people are so nice?

Here's what's been happening the last couple of days:

I received a voicemail on my business line from a guy, "S", who had been referred by someone who I hadn't seen for about a year and a half, "B". He'd been told to talk to "Steve" for some help on his plane. It was too late to return his call, but I decided to email B to bring him up to speed. I copied and pasted my boilerplate "out-myself" letter and sent it off with the same old trepidation I always feel in such cases. How would this one turn out?

I woke up this morning with a reply in my inbox, addressed to Stephanie, and congratulating me for finding my peace. He's still happy to be my friend and will continue recommending people to me - the correct me.

This afternoon I gathered my courage, warmed up my new voice, and made the return call. I introduced myself as Stephanie, returning his call from yesterday. Based on later developments, I guess he didn't catch it, and we talked about his project and what help he was looking for. We came to the conclusion that I probably wouldn't be able to help with his particular problem, and I figured I wouldn't have to explain myself. But then he said a friend of his was there who wanted to talk to me about his project, and he called me Steve again.

At that point I decided to come clean. I told him that the last time B and I had seen each other, I had indeed been Steve, but there had been some very positive changes in my life since then, and I was now Stephanie. Amazingly, it was like throwing a switch. He congratulated me and immediately started using Stephanie, as did his friend. We had a good conversation about his friend's project, and neither of them made a single mistake for the rest of the conversation. He promised to call back later, and we ended the call.

Wow. Just wow. While I'm getting used to the idea of talking to new people who only know me as Stephanie, I have so much angst whenever I think about having to deal with someone who, for one reason or another, comes looking for Steve. And in every single instance, it's turned out well, as this one did. Am I just lucky? Are airplane people more accepting? Is the entire world just getting better? Whatever it is, I'll take it!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 20, 2018, 03:42:39 PM
That is great, Stephanie!  My experience is that most real people are fine, and just want to be nice.  A few are genuinely confused and will respond well to information.  And there is a minority that give humanity a bad name.

I am glad that you are encountering mostly the nice people.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on July 20, 2018, 08:28:32 PM
Stephanie, you are just chowing down on one toad after another! It must be the hot sauce! :D

I'm glad you've had nothing but pleasant experiences in all of these encounters with the people either who don't know you or knew you from years ago.

You're there, sweetie! You're there.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on July 21, 2018, 04:14:32 AM
Brilliant!! it is so great when you are kind of flinching away waiting on a reaction and when it comes it is so overwhelmingly positive. How nice to get such a positive response and for them to just move forward with no issue, you can't ask for better than that .


Take care

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 23, 2018, 10:30:22 AM
Today the big week-long celebration of everything aviation starts in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. It's a show that I've attended for about 30 years, as a tourist, a volunteer, and an exhibitor. I've been there for the last six years, but am at home this year. It's a very wistful day as I think about not being there - not so much for the show itself, but for all the friends I won't see this year. With all the transitioning expenses I'm looking at in the next year, I just couldn't justify the cost of dragging a trailer there all the way from Florida. If I could have found a cheaper way of getting there, and a reasonably comfortable place to stay, I'd be there. There was actually a lady in a women's flyers group on Facebook who advertised for sleeping space in her trailer for other women for $15 a night. Unfortunately, in this pre-op state, I doubt I'd be welcome. I hope to have that all fixed by next year.

I think back to the show last year, and all the pain and trepidation I was experiencing. I'd started transitioning in June of last year, and had to deal with a friend staying in the trailer, other friends camped next door, and everyone else I had to keep my terrible secret from. How afraid I was that I would lose all of them when they found out. How I stood at show center during the airshow, surrounded shoulder to shoulder by thousands and thousands of people, feeling utterly alone, with the sunglasses hiding my tears.

Maybe you can see the pain and stress in my face and the clenched fists...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180723/fecaa7e889b6daac84a1753597e228d2.jpg)

I came out to the first person other than my wife and my therapist there last year. The scene is etched permanently in my brain: standing in the dark with my friend in front of a DC-3 across from the ultralight runway, crying my eyes out, so terrified he'd reject me.

And how it all turned out. How everyone has been so accepting and encouraging. The new loving relationships I've formed since then. How well transitioning is going, despite the holes I occasionally fall into. I can't help feeling that I am the luckiest woman alive.

I just wish I were there...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 23, 2018, 10:45:31 AM
Other than pining for my friends at Oshkosh, there isn't too much to report. I went for a long bike ride yesterday on the Withlacoochee Trail (gesundheit!) with @SassyCassie , and had lunch with her and Sue at a restaurant at the turnaround point.  Cassie took a picture of me in front of a mural there...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180723/dc318cff688448d00f299e3429ea282c.jpg)

When I saw that picture it reminded me of a similar one taken last October on my first full day out at Disney as me, and how much I've changed since then...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180723/89d76c6fb0d65048298dec9c6380c6aa.jpg)

Things are going pretty well.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 23, 2018, 11:04:45 AM
Ah, painful memories, and the sadness of friends you can't be with!  But the good news is that they they remain friends, and they will forgive and understand the reason you can't be there.  The painful memories will fade as you experience more joy in your life.

Glad your life is going well.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on July 23, 2018, 11:17:59 AM
I'm still trying to figure out who the guy is standing in front of that airplane, I think Steph posted the wrong picture.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 23, 2018, 11:45:25 AM
Quote from: Faith on July 23, 2018, 11:17:59 AM
I'm still trying to figure out who the guy is standing in front of that airplane, I think Steph posted the wrong picture.
I think you're right.  Grumpy looking guy.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 23, 2018, 12:00:59 PM
Quote from: Faith on July 23, 2018, 11:17:59 AM
I'm still trying to figure out who the guy is standing in front of that airplane, I think Steph posted the wrong picture.

No arguing that. He was definitely wrong...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 25, 2018, 03:52:59 PM
Well, I guess I'm just living the girl's life now.

Monday it included grocery shopping. I used to absolutely hate grocery shopping! I posted some of this in another thread, but to my surprise I found myself loving the experience. I had the profound realization that I could be perfectly happy as a housewife. Maybe it's because in my previous life I had a satisfying job for a while, and with that behind me I feel free to let my preferences evolve. Whatever it was, instead of being in a hurry and bad-tempered, I just relaxed and smiled at everyone, and they smiled back. Life is so much better that way.

When I went to check out, the cashier seemed unhappy and harried, and never smiled for the customers in front of me. When I got there I once again channeled my heroine @Anne Blake , and asked her how her day had been and struck up a conversation. When I left she was smiling and wished me a good day. That made me smile.

There are, of course, a few added "enhancements" that my cis-sisters don't have to deal with. I had the unbridled joy of going for Hot Needle Treatment yesterday morning. This is the second time I tried this person, who uses the blend method. It's slower but so much less painful - and that pain applies to the cost, too. It's a lot cheaper. At the end of the session I bought a block of 10 hours, which made it even less expensive. And I was properly named and gendered for all of it.

After HNT I went shopping, and unlike most shopping trips, this time I was successful. A nice top, two dresses, and some pretty dress sandals. When I checked out this cashier was so wonderful. We talked about what I was buying a dress for along with all sorts of other stuff. Just a couple ladies sharing. When I headed for the door she said, "Good luck at your event! You'll look great!" Squeeeee!

Today I've been chasing paperwork. I decided to get a Known Flyer Number with TSA so I'm guaranteed Pre-Chek security when I fly. I filled out all the forms online, and went to my appointment today. As part of the paperwork you're required to list any previous names. Oh boy. I wondered what kind of weirdness that was going to cause at my appointment. When I sat down the gentleman brought up the records I'd filled out and started running through the screens to have me verify all the data was correct. Name, email, address, previous name, phone numbers... that fast, and with as little fanfare. Take the fingerprints, pay the money, thank you Stephanie. And off I went. Well, whaddayaknow? That was easy. So now I'm in the town where my bestie works waiting to go to dinner.

Tomorrow I have to get back to work and make up for the three days I've been out and about. But the last couple of days have done wonders for my confidence and my sense of self. I've been telling myself that I'm living the new normal for a while now, but I've never really felt it like this before. Who knows if I'll backslide, but it sure feels like I've turned some sort of corner and relaxed into a new existence. My wish is that any of my sisters and brothers still reading this thread get to this point, and find the peace of truly living as you wish to.

Stephanie

PS: I'm writing this while trapped by rain in a Peterbrooke Chocolatier shop. Oh, the horror!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 25, 2018, 03:59:38 PM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:
                    LIFE IS GOOD !!!
It is a wonderful feeling for sure to go out and about as a woman and be instantly accepted as a woman.
... and yes, a big smile and being the first one to say hello and even start a brief casual conversation disarms just about anyone....   nicely done!!!!

Hugs and continued well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on July 25, 2018, 05:32:50 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 25, 2018, 03:52:59 PMI just relaxed and smiled at everyone, and they smiled back. Life is so much better that way.
...
it sure feels like I've turned some sort of corner and relaxed into a new existence.

Yes, you've got this!  Welcome to the rest of your life, Stephanie.

Quote
PS: I'm writing this while trapped by rain in a Peterbrooke Chocolatier shop. Oh, the horror!

Oh, wow, bummer!  What could you possibly do to pass the time in a chocolate shop?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 25, 2018, 05:42:39 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 25, 2018, 05:32:50 PM
Yes, you've got this!  Welcome to the rest of your life, Stephanie.

Oh, wow, bummer!  What could you possibly do to pass the time in a chocolate shop?

@KathyLauren    @Steph2.0

Ah ha... my nemesis... chocolate. 
All of my friends and suitors know that chocolate is one of my vices.

My gym girls group gave me a t-shirt like this last month....
Danielle

(https://i.imgur.com/L4FttZ2.jpg)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 26, 2018, 03:05:58 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 25, 2018, 05:32:50 PM
Oh, wow, bummer!  What could you possibly do to pass the time in a chocolate shop?

Could someone pull me down from bouncing off the ceiling, please? Thank you.

Would anyone else like some dark chocolate covered espresso beans?

bounce bounce

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on July 26, 2018, 03:12:20 PM
did someone say dark chocolate covered espresso ?? ?? ?? :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on July 26, 2018, 05:31:56 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 25, 2018, 03:52:59 PM
> I decided to get a Known Flyer Number with TSA so I'm guaranteed Pre-Chek security when I fly.

I have this too, applied after noticing a lot of airport security personnel in the US have a Chinese last name.  Tsa. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on July 26, 2018, 08:31:05 PM
"a lot of airport security personnel in the US have a Chinese last name.  Tsa."

Kendra, don't give up music!  Or your day job...   ;D

Judi
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on July 27, 2018, 01:31:00 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 25, 2018, 03:52:59 PM


Tomorrow I have to get back to work and make up for the three days I've been out and about. But the last couple of days have done wonders for my confidence and my sense of self. I've been telling myself that I'm living the new normal for a while now, but I've never really felt it like this before. Who knows if I'll backslide, but it sure feels like I've turned some sort of corner and relaxed into a new existence. My wish is that any of my sisters and brothers still reading this thread get to this point, and find the peace of truly living as you wish to.

Stephanie

PS: I'm writing this while trapped by rain in a Peterbrooke Chocolatier shop. Oh, the horror!

I think once you have been living your true gender for awhile things change, you change, the new becomes comfortable, the challenges of just getting out the door become a fleeting thought. With all these things out of the way the real you gets to be you....what you describe is really the point of it all...finding your peace. You have made significant changes and from all of these changes comes the person you are now with the happiness and contentment you describe. Congrats

Take care

Liz

PS...on my way to help....save some chocolate for me  ;)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 30, 2018, 12:33:14 PM
@SassyCassie and I did another long bicycle ride yesterday, riding over 20 miles in light rain. It was excellent exercise and a nice day out, despite the weather. At least the rain kept us cool.

Despite having to replace the blown out front tube and tire on my bike, the day was going pretty well until we went to lunch. I hadn't bothered with much makeup, knowing it was going to be sweated off in a heartbeat. So despite wearing my cute workout togs, my face was pretty much bare. And I got "sir... ma'am!... sorry" by the cashier.

It's the first time that's happened in quite a while, and it really got to me. I was able to pull myself out of it by thinking about all my good Susan's and Facebook posts where I was out and about and always gendered correctly. What it did make starkly clear, though, is I need a lot of help from makeup to be seen as myself. It just makes my need for FFS that much more urgent. It has become so much more important to me now than GCS. To be able to just pull my hair back, forego the makeup, and still be gendered correctly has become an overwhelming need that I will do nearly anything to fulfill.

I posted an after-ride "soaked and bedraggled" picture to Facebook, and I'm not ashamed to say that I retouched it a little to make myself look better. I trust all of you here to be kind, so here's the unretouched stark reality...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180730/ba43a1306d73cf58cfca0083f728d2be.jpg)

To those who say that I shouldn't worry about what people think, I make no apologies for wanting to be seen as who I am. I thought I was starting to develop that attitude, but it was while I was being gendered correctly. Being misgendered refocused what is important to me.

I have a Skype consultation scheduled for August 30th with FacialTeam in Spain. I think I'll contact them again and remind them that I'm available any time if a slot opens up before then. The surgery simply can't come soon enough.

Thanks for letting me vent...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on July 30, 2018, 12:39:23 PM
Steph  I see a distinct difference between:
"sir ... ma'am! ... sorry"
and
"ma'am! ... sir ... sorry"

The correction when the proper direction.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 30, 2018, 12:50:56 PM
Quote from: Faith on July 30, 2018, 12:39:23 PM
Steph  I see a distinct difference between:
"sir ... ma'am! ... sorry"
and
"ma'am! ... sir ... sorry"

The correction when the proper direction.

Thank you, Faith. I do understand what you're saying, though for me it's a fine distinction. The need is to not have any mistake at all.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on July 30, 2018, 12:57:12 PM
cis women get misgendered. I know, I've worked retail!!

I only get the polite ma'am/ladies when totally made up and out with Lori. Never as part of a 'normal' day. You are gendered correctly with a few exceptions. Those exceptions are easily in the realm of normal.

Accept it Lady. I say that sternly with a smile, which I can do because there's no camera.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 30, 2018, 12:57:36 PM
I'll add that the incident doesn't have me particularly down right now. It has, however, clearly defined my determination to do something about it. I guess that's the best possible outcome of a bad situation.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 30, 2018, 01:08:48 PM
Quote from: Faith on July 30, 2018, 12:57:12 PM
cis women get misgendered. I know, I've worked retail!!

I only get the polite ma'am/ladies when totally made up and out with Lori. Never as part of a 'normal' day. You are gendered correctly with a few exceptions. Those exceptions are easily in the realm of normal.

Accept it Lady. I say that sternly with a smile, which I can do because there's no camera.

You need to put some tape over your web-cam. Hi! I see you waving!

I do accept the fact that many women occasionally get misgendered. What I won't do is roll over and not do whatever I can about it. I'll do whatever's possible to be the best I'm able to be, to decrease the odds of mistakes. Hence the FacialTeam consultation.

Thanks for the feedback, and for watching my thread!


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on July 30, 2018, 01:37:23 PM
QuoteAccept it Lady. I say that sternly with a smile, which I can do because there's no camera.
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 30, 2018, 01:08:48 PM
You need to put some tape over your web-cam. Hi! I see you waving!

I do accept the fact that many women occasionally get misgendered. What I won't do is roll over and not do whatever I can about it. I'll do whatever's possible to be the best I'm able to be, to decrease the odds of mistakes. Hence the FacialTeam consultation.

Thanks for the feedback, and for watching my thread!


Stephanie

Oh, I understand, really I do. I was just, I dunno, telling you that you're being too hard on yourself even though I know you won't listen :D


Thank you for using Faith auto-post. Had this actually been Faith, there would have been no smiling involved.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on July 30, 2018, 01:41:46 PM
Quote from: Faith on July 30, 2018, 01:37:23 PM
Oh, I understand, really I do. I was just, I dunno, telling you that you're being too hard on yourself even though I know you won't listen :D


Thank you for using Faith auto-post. Had this actually been Faith, there would have been no smiling involved.

Well, Faith Auto-Post, please tell Faith that I listen as well as she does! So there!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on July 31, 2018, 12:28:25 PM
shh .. did y'all hear something?  I didn't think so, must have been the wind.

now, what was I going on about ..............................................................................
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on July 31, 2018, 05:41:28 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 30, 2018, 01:41:46 PM
Well, Faith Auto-Post, please tell Faith that I listen as well as she does! So there!

A quick peak at both your threads and neither of you listen particularly well!!! LOL @faith seems to have had this similar conversation for being to hard on herself.  ;) But you are no angel in this department either Steph!!

Congrats on the opportunity to have a look at facial team. I did hear they were doing some kind of consulting here in Australia awhile ago but its way out of my league. The results I have seen from them are very good. I understand how you feel when you said "I'll do whatever's possible to be the best I'm able to be, to decrease the odds of mistakes." I feel very much the same way. Good luck with the consult I hope it goes well.


How about both you ladies be a little kinder to yourselves you both deserve it.  :D

Take care


Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 01, 2018, 09:50:32 AM
Quote from: ElizabethK on July 31, 2018, 05:41:28 PM
A quick peak at both your threads and neither of you listen particularly well!!! LOL @faith seems to have had this similar conversation for being to hard on herself.  ;) But you are no angel in this department either Steph!!

Readily admitted, Liz. My lack of self-esteem and self-confidence are always close to the surface. I'm still far too easy to bruise. It's actually on the agenda to talk to my therapist about on Friday.

QuoteCongrats on the opportunity to have a look at facial team. I did hear they were doing some kind of consulting here in Australia awhile ago but its way out of my league. The results I have seen from them are very good. I understand how you feel when you said "I'll do whatever's possible to be the best I'm able to be, to decrease the odds of mistakes." I feel very much the same way. Good luck with the consult I hope it goes well.

You're correct that it's quite expensive,  but relative to the quote I was given here, I expect it to be a bargain. And @Kendra crystallized my thinking when she compared the cost to a new car, with benefits that far outweigh a vehicle.

QuoteHow about both you ladies be a little kinder to yourselves you both deserve it.  :D

Liz, you are the calm voice of reason cutting through the negativity in my head. I always intend to treat myself better, but I still let outside forces have an outsized effect on my self-image.

For instance, yesterday was my first time out in the real world after my misgendering incident on Sunday. I was bra shopping, which is no longer anything new for me, but in this case I was feeling paranoid. It seemed like the lady working the department asked every other lady there if they needed help, but not me (just as well, I guess, since I was looking for itty bitty 36a bras). And in my weird state, it felt like every time I moved into an aisle, whoever was already there left. Even in the parking lot it felt like people were staring at me. It got quite unnerving - though it didn't stop me from fulfilling my mission, which I am somewhat proud of. So it was with that fraught attitude that I got in line with my new bra to check out. And the young man with his family I got in line behind looked up and said, "Oh, you can go ahead of us, ma'am. We have all this stuff and you only have that."

And just like that, the sun was shining and the birds were chirping. That's how easily I can be swayed by other's perception of me. I think I'll tell my therapist that story...



Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 01, 2018, 10:32:43 AM
Quote... "Oh, you can go ahead of us, ma'am. We have all this stuff and you only have that." ...

I'm glad that you have those moments. I am still waiting for my moments :(
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 01, 2018, 10:45:26 AM
Quote from: Faith on August 01, 2018, 10:32:43 AM
I'm glad that you have those moments. I am still waiting for my moments :(

Girlfriend, we both not only have self-esteem issues, we also have terrible memories. Go back and read some of your previous entries. You've had 'em already, and there are many more to come. Reading some of my older stuff helped pull me out of my funk the other day.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 01, 2018, 10:50:33 AM
QuoteYou've had 'em already

Only when accompanied by Lori, never alone, so it's only by association.

But, enough about me, this is your thread, not my whining zone.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 01, 2018, 01:31:41 PM
Quote from: Faith on August 01, 2018, 10:50:33 AM
Only when accompanied by Lori, never alone, so it's only by association.

But, enough about me, this is your thread, not my whining zone.

Oh pshaw! I whine enough in your thread. Turnabout is fair play!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on August 01, 2018, 03:50:22 PM
Can I whinge on your thread???? Done enough on my own the last 2 days!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 01, 2018, 04:24:13 PM
Quote from: davina61 on August 01, 2018, 03:50:22 PM
Can I whinge on your thread???? Done enough on my own the last 2 days!!!

Welcome to Stephanie's whine and jeez party, where even Davina can become un(w)hinged!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 01, 2018, 05:34:47 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 01, 2018, 09:50:32 AMAnd the young man with his family I got in line behind looked up and said, "Oh, you can go ahead of us, ma'am. We have all this stuff and you only have that."
Like I said to Jayne, you've got to love being ma'am-ed. 

We probably depend more on external validation than is healthy for us, but it sure feels good when we get it.  I still get a kick out of being called "ladies" when I am out with my wife.  It doesn't get old.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on August 01, 2018, 05:46:46 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 01, 2018, 09:50:32 AM
......
And just like that, the sun was shining and the birds were chirping. That's how easily I can be swayed by other's perception of me. I think I'll tell my therapist that story...

Stephanie

This is exactly what you need, some normal social interaction that shows you where you now fit in to this world. I wonder if most cis people have any idea how simply validating using corrrect pronouns is. How much simple joy they can give a human being by just bestowing the correct pronouns, something I might add we all readily give to inanimate objects.  It is great to see you getting your confidence back after the knock you took.

Take care

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 02, 2018, 12:06:58 AM
Despite that whining noise you continually hear from Florida, all is not doom and gloom here.

The Walmart Pharmacy
I've been fighting with Walmart pharmacy for months to get my name changed in their database. If you use their pharmacy through a web browser, be prepared for a battle to get it to display your correct name on the headers of all the pages, even if the name is correct on your prescriptions. Well, Monday they finally got it fixed! When I log in I no longer see "his" name there any more. What a relief!

Neighborhood Dynamics
I think I've mentioned before about my problematic neighbor, who, while accepting and supportive, doesn't seem to be putting much effort into using the correct pronouns. Liz's profound statement about the value of someone using the correct pronouns has the flip side of the amount of damage they inflict by continually using the incorrect ones. I had been starting to avoid visiting with him just because I didn't want to hear "he" or "him" again, despite the wise advice of @SassyCassie , who advised me that the only way to fix the problem was to spend more time with him. Well, Tuesday I was out walking Maggie the Wunderhund, and he was working in his shop. So I took a deep breath and walked in. We talked about his project for a while, then I headed for the door, telling the Magster come on, it's time to go. My neighbor looked at her and said, "You'd better go with her. She's ready to go!"

Shock and awe! I considered thanking him, but since one of the theories Cassie and I have discussed is that he's a little embarrassed by the whole thing, I didn't want to bring it up and make things awkward. I just smiled and headed home, with a little "squeee" bouncing around my skull.

Halfway down the street, a neighbor who I'd worried about because of her deeply religious convictions shouted over, "Steph! Can we talk about your internet service?" We've been having service problems (I wrote about this a short time ago) and while mine is back up, she's still fighting with hers. As the pet geek in the neighborhood I often get consulted about such things. I was just unsure how this particular neighbor would interact with me until now. And once again, it was fine.

Self-confidence and The Voice
Up until now whenever I needed my hair done, I've gone with Cassie to the salon she's been using. I've been leaning on her for strength in such situations, but our schedules aren't lining up too well lately, and her salon is an hour and a half away - and yeah, I have been growing a slight amount of self-confidence lately, so as I did when I started getting my nails done locally, I went on the hunt for a hair salon closer to home. I have two friends here in the neighborhood who are not just accepting and supportive, but outright encouraging. So I texted them both, asking if they could recommend someone close by. Well, actually, the way I phrased the question was, "Hi ladies! Can either of you recommend a good local hair salon that wouldn't mind taking me?" I got a suggestion from each of them, and I wrote back about one of them, "Thanks! I may check it out. Hopefully she wouldn't have a problem with me." Oh, that was the wrong thing to say. One of my friends jumped on me about that: "Steph, it's time to quit segregating yourself. No one sees you as different, only you. You have to start convincing yourself you are just like anyone else."

That was serious food for thought. I thanked her and admitted to being my own worst enemy, but I'm getting better. Heck, I've been getting my nails done in the nail place in Walmart for a couple of months now. So now the thought was should I out myself to them before I make an appointment? I'd done that when I set up with a new electrocutioner, but that's a little different, since there's no way to avoid the fact that this somewhat feminine looking person is getting a beard removed. So I decided, no, I'm not going to tell the salon. The next reason for anxiety: my phone voice. I've been practicing, but it still sounds unconvincing to me. Any calls I've made lately have been to places that see records when I call that state I'm female, so the name and pronouns haven't been a problem. Not in this case, with a cold call. So I got cold feet and went looking for a way to set up an appointment online. And I found one. I started through the process of checking their calendar, then paused. With what my neighbor had said to me, along with the advice from Cassie to do it now, echoing in my head, I thought, "No, I need to make that call!" I closed the web site and grabbed my phone. And it was fine. I even got ma'amed toward the end of the call (of course, she'd gotten my name by then). But I'm thinking maybe the voice is started to be a little believable. It still takes a lot of effort, but maybe it's getting better. I have an appointment for next Wednesday for cut, color, highlights, and style. And I felt great when I hung up.

A surprise, and the need to be your complete self 24/7.
This evening I was once again walking Margaret, and I stopped at another neighbor's home. I sat in their living room just talking about neighborly things, and using a relaxed semblance of my phone voice. I figured it was safe to let my guard down a little, since we know each other so well, but I also wanted them to get used to the idea that there were other things besides my outward appearance that were changing.

Well, it's a good thing I was trying a little bit. I didn't know they had a house guest. Their friend came out of the back room while we were sitting there. The cool thing is my neighbor introduced me correctly - and not just as Steph as many of them do, but as Stephanie, which I've come to prefer. I'm pretty sure I've met this guy before in a previous life, but there was no weirdness. We chatted a little more, and I made sure to take a little more care with the voice, and then it was time to go. Everything was fine, but considering that I think we've met before, I have to wonder what they talked about after I left. Doesn't really matter, I guess...

When I told Cassie about it, she used it as an illustration on why it's so important to use the voice, mannerisms, and overall presentation 100% of the time once you've gone full-time. You never know when you're going to be surprised. The biggest obstacle for me is getting over the embarrassment of using my voice in front of my wife. That's something I need to address, and I'm slowly getting there.

So there you have it. Something every day that started with anxiety and ended with validation and growth. I went back and read my post from just before my latest misgendering incident and realize how quickly and far a stupid thing like that set me back, but I'm starting to rebound. I think I'll be all right.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 02, 2018, 01:18:37 AM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:
It was great to see your comprehensive and detailed update with all kinds of good news that you reported.
As you noted, things that seem to start out badly can end up being OK in the end.... keep on top of all of this stuff and be a positive thinker.

Thank you for posting as you continue on toward your goal....
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 02, 2018, 04:56:26 AM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on August 02, 2018, 01:18:37 AM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:
It was great to see your comprehensive and detailed update with all kinds of good news that you reported.
As you noted, things that seem to start out badly can end up being OK in the end.... keep on top of all of this stuff and be a positive thinker.

Thank you for posting as you continue on toward your goal....
Hugs,
Danielle

Thank you, Danielle. Your message jogged a memory of a quote I saw the other day that stuck in my head:

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

I just realized most of my ramblings illustrate just that.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 02, 2018, 06:21:30 AM
Quotewhining noise you continually hear from Florida

HEY!! I resemble that remark.

STEPHANIE: I'm glad to read that not only are you conquering your fears but also kicking them to the curb as you realize that there's nothing to fear in the first place.

maybe someday in 10 years or so I'll be able to do the same .........

note: I prefer the short version of your name in casual context but, if you prefer the long version, then Stephanie it is. It's who you are after-all and you get to decide, not me.  :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 03, 2018, 08:19:45 AM
Quote from: Faith on August 02, 2018, 06:21:30 AM
note: I prefer the short version of your name in casual context but, if you prefer the long version, then Stephanie it is. It's who you are after-all and you get to decide, not me.  :)

I'm certainly not militant about it, and I don't mind being called almost anything as long as it isn't "his" name or "late to dinner." It's just that I initially used "Steph" as a transitional name (Stephen -> Stephanie) while I was in androgynous mode, and now it brings back some of those memories. I'm also pushing the use of "Stephanie" among the people who knew me before, because I'm not sure that "Steph" adequately gets the idea across that the pronouns should also change. Sometimes I regret not picking a completely different name to make it clear.

In any case, I don't worry about all my friends here. Use what you're comfortable with.



Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 03, 2018, 08:28:29 AM
I inadvertently hurt a friend yesterday, and I want to publicly apologize to @Faith  for being thoughtless. I'm sorry, and I'll be more careful in the future.

I want to make sure everyone knows that I would never do anything intentional to hurt any of you. If I do make a mistake, just tell me. I promise I won't take offense and will do my best to fix it.

In the words of my heroine @HappyMoni  :

"If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about."


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 03, 2018, 08:37:09 AM
aww, Stephanie, now you gone and made me get all teared up and mushy. There was no need to apologize, no way for you to know just how bad it is for me. The fault is this stupid brain of mine, I think it's defective. Do you know of a good brain store? The warranty on mine is expired.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 03, 2018, 09:18:34 AM
Quote from: Faith on August 03, 2018, 08:37:09 AMDo you know of a good brain store? The warranty on mine is expired.

Sorry, this is the best I can do:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180803/fe0f06883d85af8360fb18b5d2ddfea8.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 03, 2018, 09:37:20 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 03, 2018, 08:28:29 AM
I inadvertently hurt a friend yesterday, and I want to publicly apologize to @Faith  for being thoughtless. I'm sorry, and I'll be more careful in the future.

I want to make sure everyone knows that I would never do anything intentional to hurt any of you. If I do make a mistake, just tell me. I promise I won't take offense and will do my best to fix it.

In the words of my heroine @HappyMoni  :

"If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about."


Stephanie

@Steph2.0    cc:  @Faith  @HappyMoni
Dear Stephanie: 
OK now, enough of making me tear up too.   
That was a very sweet and thoughtful message aimed at @Faith but it can certainly apply to all of us. 

I sometimes will make a comment that I think would be innocent or even cute and later discover that it might be cutting or insulting....  so I give you Kudos for "owning" what you said and trying to make amends such as you did.

I really do like the @HappyMoni  quote:
      "If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about."
***I just may ask her if I have her permission to include in my "Positive Mindset... put away negativity" thread.

Thanks for posting... your thread is always a joy for me to follow.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 03, 2018, 09:47:47 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 03, 2018, 09:18:34 AM
Sorry, this is the best I can do:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180803/fe0f06883d85af8360fb18b5d2ddfea8.jpg)

Stephanie

I can't quite make it out, the picture is too grainy.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 03, 2018, 10:18:33 AM
Quote from: Faith on August 03, 2018, 09:47:47 AM
I can't quite make it out, the picture is too grainy.

The Walking Bread. He died of a yeast infection.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 03, 2018, 11:23:44 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 03, 2018, 10:18:33 AM
The Walking Bread. He died of a yeast infection.

That'll certainly raise the bread
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 03, 2018, 11:49:33 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 03, 2018, 10:18:33 AM
The Walking Bread. He died of a yeast infection.

@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:  hmmmm, me thinks that your thread is out of control... it is in a tail-spin and drastic action may be too late.  j/k. 

Personally I think it can be fun when my threads get a little off track... it demonstrates that my followers are having a good time. 

Hugs,
Danielle

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: SassyCassie on August 04, 2018, 09:54:06 AM
Quote from: Faith on August 03, 2018, 08:37:09 AM
Do you know of a good brain store? The warranty on mine is expired.

I do, but they're out of stock on everything except one formerly belonging to someone named "Abby Normal". I'm pretty sure you don't want that one.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 04, 2018, 04:28:56 PM
Guess what I'm doing today? First time!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180804/35bba679ac0af0e2c076b14a108d1f88.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180804/8f9824bf42d8546b0035afaff16848d5.jpg)

(Fingernails too, but that's not new.)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 05, 2018, 11:34:05 AM
sooooo ....... how was it?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 05, 2018, 11:40:57 AM
Love that color Stephanie!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 05, 2018, 12:46:29 PM
@Faith, I highly recommend it. Even the "Classic" pedicure was wonderful. The massage chairs, foot massage, lower leg exfoliating scrub and moisturizing, and toenail painting were sooo relaxing. It was my first time for a pedicure, and though I'm sure I won't make a habit of it, this time it was worth all $28.

Thank you, @Donica. I'm going to a very special event soon, and I picked the colors to go with the dress I'll be wearing. I did accent nails on my hands, too - also another color in the dress.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180805/3b0b20b2e5c8775dcdd171d4d757327b.jpg)

I so love living my new life!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 05, 2018, 12:56:27 PM
nice

someday I'll try it first hand
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 05, 2018, 12:57:00 PM
Quote from: Faith on August 05, 2018, 12:56:27 PM
nice

someday I'll try it first hand

I suggest you put your best foot forward.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 07, 2018, 11:31:04 PM
For anyone who is still paying attention, here's what's been going on in my corner of the world. More milestones...

Lunch and Therapy
Last Friday started out with a hurried lunch with @SassyCassie, then on to my therapist.

The session went very well, with minimal tears. We talked mostly about my recent misgendering incident, and since this was only the second session with this therapist, I covered the other times it's happened, too. The other two times. And he pulled me up short with the question, "Only three times in a year?! And how many times were you correctly gendered?" Whoa. I have no idea, really, but now that I'm forced to think about it, there have been tons of times I've heard ladies, and ma'am, and miss. I suppose the reason the misgendering incidents are so prominent is because they're so rare. Just as in the last session, when I told him about being misgendered, he stared at me and asked, "Why would anyone misgender you?" My homework is to actually keep track of the correct gendering incidents. I like this guy a lot - better than my old therapist. He poses a question, lets me talk, then proposes a solution and homework. In just two sessions I feel like I've advanced a lot.

Stepping Outside the Comfort Zone
Session over, I decided to follow through with my plan to step wayyy outside my comfort zone. I'm going to a very special event soon, and I want to look as good as I can... so I drove to a Sephora, marched in, and told the young man who greeted me that I am new to makeup - because I'm transgender - and I need some guidance. For the next hour he guided me through foundation, lipstick, lip liner, eyeliner, eye shadow, and blush. I had him check the price on the handful of stuff I was carrying, and it was over $200. Okay, let's whittle this down. I left with foundation, eyeliner, eye shadow, and some brushes. I've already got most of the other stuff anyway. I found that the things I already had were actually decent choices for color, etc, so I was happy to get out of there at my self-imposed limit of $100.

Flying!
I have been working on my neighbor's plane for a little while. It belonged to her husband, and after he passed away (I wrote about flying a "Missing Man" formation with my other neighbors at his funeral back in February) she told me that if I get the plane flying so her grandson - who is taking flying lessons - could fly it with me when he came to visit, I could fly it as much as I wanted. With the help of my certificated mechanic neighbor's help, I put the plane into flying condition, but found that the radio and intercom combination were terrible. I got permission to replace them, and I finished that last Friday.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180808/56d9d207b5fb0d19727b76042f6c5b0c.jpg)
The wiring rat's nest I found behind the instrument panel.

So for the first time in a while I got to fly to breakfast on Saturday morning!
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180808/eebe9847deb366be143f1a8e14d9f45d.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180808/556c3c11abc47eb822c325225420d979.jpg)

Nails and Pedicure
When we got back from breakfast, I cleaned up and drove to @SassyCassie 's place, from where we went to get our nails done in preparation for the special even we'll both be participating in. I also decided to go all out and get my first pedicure, as seen in an earlier post. We also did lunch and dinner, then I blasted home.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180808/231adac3f19a469037108a0d5a851cc2.jpg)

Sunday Breakfast Flight and Electronics Retrieval
I got up Sunday morning and sat down at the table with my tablet to catch up with Susan's. Except the tablet wasn't there. D'Oh! I had left it in Cassie's car on Saturday. I had planned to fly to breakfast somewhere, and when I told Cassie what I'd done, she suggested we fly to an airport within 5 minutes of her house, and she'd drive us to breakfast. And I could take my tablet home with me. Done deal! Off we went for a 22 minute flight that takes an hour by car. It's the only way to travel. We went to breakfast where we were repeatedly addressed as you ladies, and had a great meal with great company. A few pictures, then back home with my tablet.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180808/9feca2c4ec0c7048e5da8147586118a5.jpg)

Electrocution
Today was HNT day - or as I've renamed it, HNN. It used to be Hot Needle Torture, but with the new electrocutioner I'm using, and the blend method instead of straight thermolysis, it's so much less painful that I fall asleep during the two hour session. Hence, Hot Needle Nap.

More Ma'ams
Since I skip my coffee on HNN mornings (oh, the horror!), as soon as the session is done I go to the closest Starbucks for my Venti Hot Mocha with Whipped Cream. I usually grab a sandwich there, and it's always nice to tell them "Stephanie" when they ask, "And what's your name, ma'am?" With my Percent Daily Value of caffeine fulfilled, it was back into the Rocket Skate and a run down the street to the Post Office to mail a package - where I was greeted with, "How can I help you, ma'am?"

A Real Pain in the... Back, With a Warm Endgame
Apparently I've pulled a muscle in my back, and for the last couple of days it's been agonizing. I haven't been able to sleep much, and it hurt so much today that I decided I'd better see a doctor. From the post office parking lot - which is about 1 1/2 hours from home and my doctor's office - I put on my best voice and called them. There were no pronouns used, but at least that meant there were no sirs. After making the appointment I lit the fire and blasted home.

I made it to the office on time, and checked in with no drama. Those who've been there a while are starting to get used to my new self, and there's enough staff turnover that there are mostly new people in the front office, who only know Stephanie. When I was called back, the intake nurse just chatted with me about this and that, and complimented me on my new nails. Just girl talk and banter.

My regular doctor wasn't in, so I got an appointment with a different one. She'd been my assigned doctor at the clinic for about 6 months a few years ago, and I'd found her to be distant, blunt, and almost unfriendly then. Today was totally different. She looked over my records on the computer - I have no idea what it told her - and then asked, "And what can I do for you, my dear?" We talked about my back, she did some probing, made recommendations, and wrote a prescription. As I stood to leave, she said, "Take care, hon!" Wow. What a change! Maybe she likes caring for women better than men.

At the checkout desk I complimented the lady on her dark hair with purple highlights, and more girl talk ensued. All in all, except for the back pain, it was a great visit.

Trivia, and the New Normal
On to Tuesday night trivia. Once again I was warmly welcomed as just another lady in the group. Smiles with the gang, with the waitress, and with the other ladies in the rest room. We didn't win, but it was a great night anyway.

So, with my new "Ma'am" detector running, I'm having it proven to me that my previous declarations of Living the New Normal are actually true. Unless something untoward happens, I have every reason to expect to be named and gendered correctly, with misgendering incidents outside the norm.

All in all, I can't complain...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 08, 2018, 06:31:52 AM
What a great post, with all those great things happening for you, Stephanie!  Your new therapist sounds awesome.  Buying makeup: YAY!!  Flying: double-yay!  Love the nails!

An electrocution nap sounds great.  The only time I have fallen asleep was when she was doing my upper lip.  No, I am not that tough: I had a dental block and couldn't feel a thing. 

That back pain sounds like a real pain in the butt.  Hope it is better soon. 

I like your new, improved ma'am detector.

With the exception of the PITA, I am happy that things are going well for you.  We older transitioners have lived much of our lives without joy.  It is so important to look for it and celebrate it when it happens.  And it happens more and more as we progress in our journeys.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 08, 2018, 07:55:47 AM
Wow Stephanie! A fellow pilot! Of course I still have my PL (SEL) but they won't renew my medical (health issues)  :'(. And wow again! You got all that done for only $28 dollars? I usually do my own pedicure but, for that price, I'll have it done too. It' too much work. Keep counting those correct gender calls and forget the wrong ones.

Hugs!
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 08, 2018, 08:30:41 AM
Quote from: Donica on August 08, 2018, 07:55:47 AM
Wow Stephanie! A fellow pilot! Of course I still have my PL (SEL) but they won't renew my medical (health issues)  :'(. And wow again! You got all that done for only $28 dollars? I usually do my own pedicure but, for that price, I'll have it done too. It' too much work. Keep counting those correct gender calls and forget the wrong ones.

Hi Donica! Only the pedicure was $28. With the fingernails and tip I ended up dropping $75 for the works. It's not something I can do often.

If there is any chance of getting a one-time special issuance medical, you could then fly as a Sport Pilot with just your drivers license, but you can't do it if your latest medical was denied. I have a Sport Pilot license, not because of medical reasons, but because I moved from ultralights to light sport aircraft when when the new rules went into effect. Day VFR light two seaters, but that works just fine for me. This is my neighbor's plane that I'm flying right now. I'm untying it for the trip home after breakfast.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180808/c65d0f360b7a311888e7f21fd5f4bcd9.jpg)

This is the latest plane I built, and it has the third wheel on the proper end.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180808/f2d0861f3385a2af410184731cd3ade6.jpg)

This is an example of what I'm building now. I'm the US dealer for these.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180808/38acdce339a9930d0c6c38c92bda15d5.jpg)

Well, Kathy, you see what Donica did? We airplane nuts can't be shut up when we get on the subject. Donica, Kathy used to instruct in Tutor trainers for the RCAF.

I'll be quiet now.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 08, 2018, 01:40:55 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 08, 2018, 08:30:41 AM
Well, Kathy, you see what Donica did? We airplane nuts can't be shut up when we get on the subject. Donica, Kathy used to instruct in Tutor trainers for the RCAF.
'Tis true.  @Donica, this was me, back in about 1980.  I think my looks have improved since then. ;)
(https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1838/42122584710_ffefacf64a_b.jpg)

[edit]  I started up an aviation thread here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,239966.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,239966.0.html)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 09, 2018, 12:10:09 AM
Well, I had planned to get some sleep but my backache has me laying on a heating pad staring at the ceiling, so I might as well write.

Anyone who reads this thread knows my problems with the clinic I've been going to for the last year. They were supposed to be a one-stop shop for gender support, but have ended up being extremely frustrating to deal with, especially with prescriptions and the letters required for government paperwork and surgeons. I first fired the endocrinologist and moved my HRT to my primary care doctor after I found he understood it. Then my therapist left unannounced and I found someone better. Finally, I found a different electrocutioner who works at $45/hour instead of $120, and who uses a much less painful, though slower, method.

The one loose end was a letter for my GCS surgeon from the doctor in charge of their HRT, stating in specific language that I'd been on HRT for over a year, and signed by the MD. And after 3 tries and weeks of waiting, they finally came through with three signed copies. And they even had them notarized!

And that's it now. I'm done with them. They served their purpose in the early days when I had no idea where to turn for help, but in the end their promise of quality help all through the process turned out to be hollow. I have what I need to document what's needed for the gatekeepers, and I've grown enough now that I can move on on my own.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 09, 2018, 12:14:40 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 09, 2018, 12:10:09 AM
Well, I had planned to get some sleep but my backache has me laying on a heating pad staring at the ceiling, so I might as well write.

Anyone who reads this thread knows my problems with the clinic I've been going to for the last year. They were supposed to be a one-stop shop for gender support, but have ended up being extremely frustrating to deal with, especially with prescriptions and the letters required for government paperwork and surgeons. I first fired the endocrinologist and moved my HRT to my primary care doctor after I found he understood it. Then my therapist left unannounced and I found someone better. Finally, I found a different electrocutioner who works at $45/hour instead of $120, and who uses a much less painful, though slower, method.

The one loose end was a letter for my GCS surgeon from the doctor in charge of their HRT, stating in specific language that I'd been on HRT for over a year, and signed by the MD. And after 3 tries and weeks of waiting, they finally came through with three signed copies. And they even had them notarized!

And that's it now. I'm done with them. They served their purpose in the early days when I had no idea where to turn for help, but in the end their promise of quality help all through the process turned out to be hollow. I have what I need to document what's needed for the gatekeepers, and I've grown enough now that I can move on on my own.

Stephanie

@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:
well this is certainly a good news/bad news report but hey girl,  you got the 3 notorized letters that you have been seeking... a wonderful and happy moment for you for sure.
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 09, 2018, 12:28:52 AM
Another milestone today! I've already talked about making an appointment with a local hair stylist. Well, today was the day. Instead of having @SassyCassie to draw courage from, I took a deep breath and marched into a new place on my own.

As I was looking for a place to sit, a lady nudged her son and told him to move over. Then she looked over and told me, "You can sit here, hon!" Thank you!

I then met Tonia, the stylist who had been recommended to me by my wonderful neighbor. And she was so cool. She looked over my thinning mop, we talked about colors and how to handle the thinning, and there was no indication she knew my story. I had fought with myself over whether to tell her I was trans - even my therapist recommended I tell her - but in the end, I saw no need. I have no idea whether she figured it out, but it didn't matter. She used the correct pronouns when asking her assistant to wash out the color chemicals, and we chatted about anything and everything, as ladies do in salons. It was so cool, and she did a beautiful job. I know Kathy has already seen the pics on my FacePlant page, so she knows it happened, but here they are for the rest of you.

Before
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180809/83128a817fe5b662093986badf625f73.jpg)

During
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180809/d2da6cc7e34426dfaf6c03cf2d01c3ee.jpg)

After! (Squee!)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180809/5cc1befb82d7267c988c78b01e6436bd.jpg)

And just for fun, this is my Superhero persona, Galaxy Girl (as whom I team up with @sassycassy in her guise as The Electric Diva to fight deadnaming and misgendering wherever it may occur).
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180809/20ff212f04554ef77e814491c4afb27a.jpg)

Proof that that's who I really am
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180809/456189e4e5918ea6ed8d1bd8153eeec3.jpg)


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 09, 2018, 12:45:16 AM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie aka: Galaxy Girl

Wow-whee, your hair stylist Tonia did a wonderful job, you and your hair look absolutely terrific and beautiful.
I have always found it so affirming to be pampered in a salon...  I love it, .... much much better than the barber shops for sure.  It was nice to hear that you were gendered correctly there !!!!!   :) :)

Oh, and your Galaxy Girl sunglasses are exactly the right accessory for you.
Thanks you for sharing your salon story with us and also your great pictures.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on August 09, 2018, 05:30:15 AM
Wow! Stephanie, you look amazing! That hairstyle looks so good on you.

WOW!!!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on August 09, 2018, 05:32:45 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on August 08, 2018, 01:40:55 PM
'Tis true.  @Donica, this was me, back in about 1980.  I think my looks have improved since then. ;)
(https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1838/42122584710_ffefacf64a_b.jpg)
Kathy, your face is so shiny! Is that natural or do you use lots of moisturiser? [emoji16]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 09, 2018, 06:31:18 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on August 09, 2018, 05:32:45 AM
Kathy, your face is so shiny! Is that natural or do you use lots of moisturiser? [emoji16]
Just a bit of Windex now and then.  :D
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 09, 2018, 06:45:45 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on August 09, 2018, 06:31:18 AM
Just a bit of Windex now and then.  :D

Kids, do NOT try this at home.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on August 09, 2018, 07:28:41 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 09, 2018, 06:45:45 AM
Kids, do NOT try this at home.


Stephanie
But winded fixes everything! Have you seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding?
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 09, 2018, 07:38:49 AM
Stephanie, Your hair looks Great. Mine isn't quite that long yet but it's getting there. It's just over my shoulders now. OMG! Stephanie, Kathy and Danielle, I'm glad there's so many pilots here. Thanks for the aviation thread Kathy. BTW Kathy, I still want to get my IFR rating but I will have to convince the doctors to approve my medical. And I would love to have you as my instructor.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 09, 2018, 07:54:50 AM
Quote from: Donica on August 09, 2018, 07:38:49 AM
Stephanie, Your hair looks Great. Mine isn't quite that long yet but it's getting there. It's just over my shoulders now.

Back in about 1998 I was working as head of IT for a natural and organic food company being run by old hippies. The president had a ponytail and I realized OMG I'm in a place where nobody would care if I grew mine out, too. It helped ease a small bit of dysphoria. I used to take occasional ribbing over my ponytail, but I came back with, "Hey, I keep my hair on the outside. All yours is inside. That's why you have such a hard time thinking."

So my hair has been down to my shoulder blades for almost 20 years now. In fact, I had about an inch trimmed off a little while ago. I keep waffling between letting it grow as long as it can, and trying one of those cute shoulder length styles. Now I need to do something about the thinning.

I had a shocking thought a while ago. That company I was working for, as liberal and free-thinking as everyone was, would have been the perfect place to transition. It never even occurred to me that such a thing was possible back then. I went back and visited them in April as my new self, and everyone was so cool. Sigh. Lost opportunities.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 09, 2018, 09:52:30 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 09, 2018, 07:54:50 AMSigh. Lost opportunities.
"Check your six" may be good advice in the flying biz, but not so much in the transition biz.  Keep looking forward!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on August 09, 2018, 02:53:55 PM
Kathy, that is truly golden advice, but we rarely heed it. For some reason some of us figure that "it has to be OK with these people".
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Stevi on August 09, 2018, 10:18:40 PM
Stephanie,

I see you have been a busy girl, lately.  Nothing new in that department as far I can tell.  I love the hair styling.  Good that you could do it as it should be done.  No explanations or apologies.  Just livin' life in normal mode.  It sure feels good.

Stevi
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 10, 2018, 08:14:20 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 09, 2018, 06:45:45 AM
Kids, do NOT try this at home.


Stephanie

You know they will!  ::)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 11, 2018, 07:37:55 AM
Stephanie!!  I figured I should pop in. You are looking awesome, that hair style really suits you. I would tell you to keep at it girl but .. you're there already :P

Kathy .. umm .. I must admit that I had to stare at the photo for quite some time .. multiple times .. before my brain refocused and I could actually see what that picture was. My brain kept seeing a black bowl on a table but the background didn't add up. Strange what the brain will do to you. Oh, hmm, that comment sums up my life right now .......
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 15, 2018, 08:33:08 AM
I love your avatar Stephanie! I still have 2 to 3 inches to go before my real hair is as long as yours.

Hugs,
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 16, 2018, 01:00:08 AM
The Denver Event: Preparations

I have done some pretty cool things in the last year, but this last weekend has to be the best so far. I blame @Kendra.

Those who've been following along may remember a big Thank You party I held on New Years Eve, and how Kendra flew all the way to Florida from Washington state to surprise me. That led to me going to Phoenix in January to surprise her as she recovered from her GCS. My BFF @SassyCassie went along, and out of the blue we met up with this really cool lady from Denver, @Anne Blake AKA Tia. We all hit it off immediately, and after we all returned home, we stayed in touch and developed our friendships further.

Tia had mentioned that she was going to renew her wedding vows some time in August, but at that time flying to Denver wasn't really on my radar. As time went by, though, and our friendships grew closer, it went from a fun idea, to a possibility, to a must-do, especially when Tia asked if Cassie and I were interested in being usherettes. That sealed the deal, and we bought airline tickets.

As the date drew near, anticipation grew, and preparations began. I decided on which dress to wear, then bought a new one when I wasn't thrilled with the first. I bought earrings, a necklace, and bracelets to match. I got my nails done in colors to match the new dress, and for good measure got a pedicure too, even though I planned to wear pumps. The Wednesday before the event I got my hair colored and styled. All of these tasks were done with no outing myself and no strangeness from anyone involved. Despite my misgivings and fears, I was treated like a lady every time.

Anticipation grew.

Back channel communications were rampant, and after much back and forth, Kendra reserved an AirBNB home for all of us to stay at instead of a hotel. Arrangements were finalized for who would be staying at the house, and seven of us ended up reserving a place. As Cassie and I talked it over and made plans, the phrase, "Seven Sisters" sprang into my head, and I remembered the constellation Pleiades, with its "seven sister" stars. Thus was the AirBNB dubbed "Pleiades Place."

Cassie and I decided we wanted to do something for the seven sisters to commemorate the event. We had already been looking at transgender themed jewelry on Etsy, and decided a small necklace with interlocking rings in blue, white, and pink would be a cool thing to get everyone. Cassie ordered the necklaces, chains, and neat little embroidered pouches to present them in. We made cute little tags with the trans flag, the recipient's name, the name of one of the greek sisters in the Pleiades cluster, and a dedication on the back. There was one sister who was heartbroken she couldn't make it due to family obligations, so we included @HappyMoni in our list of sisters.

@Kendra -> Celaeno
@Laurie -> Alcyone
@Michelle_P  -> Merope
@Jessica_Rose  -> Taygete
@SassyCassie -> Electra
@Steph2.0 -> Sterope
@HappyMoni -> Maia

Also included were @Anne Blake , Tia's wife Debi, @Julie -2010 ,  and Jessica Rose's wife Susan. A few days before the event I sent a package to Moni with a tag that she wasn't to open it until we gave her the word.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/c5e3242864b43bbed6c019307afd2145.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/bd7304f5e8c0cfd365805836558e9b29.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/2a9fe9213225f4cdbb2c65dd46c01fdd.jpg)

Anticipation reached the boiling point.

The night before our flight, I crashed at Cassie's since she was closer to the airport, and we were up way too late packing and preparing the necklace packages for everyone. The flight was scheduled for 6:30am, and we ended up with only about 1 1/2 hours sleep before we had to get on the road to the airport.

The week before the event I pulled a muscle or something in my back, and the pain had me wondering whether I'd even be able to go. I was devastated at the thought, and didn't get a lot of sleep that week due to both the pain and the worry that I'd have to stay home. I finally decided that I needed to "play through the pain" and Cassie made it clear that if she had to, she'd "drug and drag" me there. I saw a doctor and got muscle relaxers, but neither they nor any other drugs I tried did much to alleviate the pain. Too bad. I'm going...

Continued in Part 2: Friday, August 10th.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 16, 2018, 01:08:26 AM
The Denver Event: Friday, August 10th

At 6:30am on Friday, August 10th, we were on a Southwest flight headed for Denver.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/5b82f70444d541babe9703654056ccb3.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/5d52c9a4263351cf5c4a50c330437678.jpg)

The pilot did a reasonable job landing the plane without my help, and we collected our luggage and picked up our car. Last time we'd done a trip - to Phoenix - we went green and picked out a Hyundai Sonata Hybrid. It was a nice enough car that Cassie bought herself one when we got back from that trip. But this time, we went big and bad instead. As we walked the line we stopped dead in front of a Dodge Charger Hemi. We looked at each other. Should we or shouldn't we? We did. And it was a wonderful thing.

We had made arrangements to meet with @Julie -2010 for breakfast and a tour of the area when we arrived. She had provided us with a list of breakfast possibilities, and we simply couldn't resist a place called "Bacon Social House." Galaxy Girl and the Electric Diva leaped onto our Charger and roared off to town. Julie was cool and we got along great from the start. We ate a tasty breakfast with lots of different flavors of bacon, and discussed plans for the rest of the day. We decided that with our limited time we'd take a ride on the twisty roads in the foothills west of town. Julie offered to drive her van, since she knew the way. After pictures, off we went.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/0cf9f2264612ff3c438e3bebc84f5e8e.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/5767405e8175180b586b684903983690.jpg)

I'm sure the drive was beautiful, but unfortunately I couldn't enjoy it. Whether it was the high altitude, the constant twisting and turning, the lack of sleep, the back pain, reactions from the drugs I took to try to address the pain, or any and all combinations of the above, I got terribly sick. We had to stop twice so my head would stop spinning, and I was sure I was going to puke.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/dae78bf7823316032f3d3e48eaff226b.jpg)

We finally made to a little town called Nederland, and I told Julie and Cassie to go enjoy themselves in town while I tried to take a nap while things weren't moving. An hour or an hour and a half later I woke up and was feeling much better. I hoofed into town and met up with Cassie and Julie for coffee and some salty snacks. By the way, Nederland is known for their Frozen Dead Guy Celebration. Don't ask. With things back on an even keel we continued the trip through Boulder, and headed back to Denver for the rehearsal and dinner.

When we arrived many hugs were given and received. It was such a joyful occasion, a precursor of what was to come the next day. Everyone was given their marching orders, things were practiced, and we sat down for a pizza dinner. Cassie and I had planned to give out the necklaces there, but Tia had gift bags for all the participants instead, so we postponed our presentation.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/49fb9f210b97c0561381ca80c6816f36.jpg) (JR)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/3da8a433f7744389ea468f5a3d9d64af.jpg) (JR)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/1b2211487f0284fc9ca952bc5859a578.jpg) (JR)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/d5b0ce02b62eff3121ae4a1c7056f7b8.jpg) (JR)

With everything as prepared as possible, we headed off for Pleiades Place, about an hour north in Loveland. Kendra's flight had come in that evening, so she went directly to the house and left the light on for us. The house was absolutely stunning. A huge comfortable home with multiple bedrooms and bathrooms, perfect for our needs.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/31c168cab3ff212804e2144412f411d5.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/c4eb8c20ca85b1775c6cfa11e9aaf231.jpg)

More hugs, conversation, and snacking, and Cassie and I passed out our gifts. We really wanted Moni to be part of the opening ceremony, but we realized that it was too late where she was, so we postponed a proposed FaceTime call with her. One by one everyone drifted off to bed and silence descended.

Continued in Part 3: The Main Event

NOTE: All pictures marked (JR) courtesy of photographer extraordinaire Jessica Rose.

Edit: Added not being able to include Moni in the necklace presentations.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 16, 2018, 08:06:35 AM
What a wonderful trip Stephanie!!! I can't wait to hear how the rest of the trip went. Everyone looks so lovely in the pictures. I'm a space/science nut and I love the idea of the "Seven Sisters Pleiades Place". I hope Monica isn't too upset about not being able to make the trip. But she certainly has all the love from all the Pleiades sisters, and the rest of the sisters here at Susan's place. I can't wait to see your pictures of Tia's vows renewal ceremony? How fun!!!

Lots of hugs,
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Saha on August 16, 2018, 03:00:41 PM
How wonderful that you all got to spend time together, and for such a beautiful event!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 16, 2018, 03:06:34 PM
What a great writeup and pictures!  Looking forward to part 3.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 16, 2018, 10:10:03 PM
We interrupt our story for the following SQUEEEE moments.

Yesterday, the first day back from Denver, was spent catching up on household chores, including truncating the weeds in the yard. Trips like the one we just took do wonders for my self-confidence, so when I realized I needed fuel for the lawnmower, I grabbed my clutch purse and a fuel can, and jumped in the Rocket Skate to run to the gas station, despite just having work clothes on. I not only surprised myself by hardly giving it a second thought, but nobody gave a second look, either.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180817/2c8483522de8d3e07b8ccf46a43d9517.jpg)

Today was errands and a doctor appointment about my back. I got a little more dressed up, and headed for the first stop, the DMV, to renew my car tags.

I'd decided that this year I wanted a fancier license plate and a custom number. We have one here in Florida entitled "State of the Arts" and it looks like this:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180817/667b63c5612ebc1e6cd5eb4c0dd2e2f2.gif)

The colors aren't quite that vibrant in the sunshine, and they look a little like the trans flag, which is why I picked it. For the personalized number, I wanted the name of my Mini Cooper. I had been calling it my Roller Skate, but @SassyCassie, with her innate ability to name things, insisted that because of the supercharger, it had to be a Rocket Skate. Think Wile E. Coyote on roller skates with an Acme rocket on his back. And so Rocket Skate it was and it ever shall be. I looked up the combination, and it was available. RKT SK8 will be forever emblazoned on my four-wheeled wonder.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180817/4cb04a825463953c7b20aacd5c2041be.jpg)

I marched into the DMV looking cute, in my humble opinion, and with my best voice checked in. When I was called up, Amy behind the desk was a little overwhelmed by all the paperwork she had to do for all the custom stuff, so she called another lady over to help. As they consulted I heard things like, "yes, she has to sign this one," and, "right, give her that one," and so on. It went on and on and the squeee pressure kept building with every correct pronoun. When she complimented me on my nails and I we talked about how I'd had them done to match the dress I wore in a wedding last weekend, then she ooo-ed and ahh-ed over my custom Apple Watch band, I could hear a high-pitched eeeeee noise leaking out of my ears. By the time the last paper was signed and the bill was paid and I thanked her and left, I was about to squeesplode. I walked calmly to the Rocket Skate, got in, and let it all out. Dance dance dance!!!

Next stop, doctor's office, since my back is still killing me. (Hmm. Could it be caused by car dancing?) I checked in at the front desk, was once again complimented on my nails, and once again had a cool conversation about a wedding I was part of. (You know, these wedding things are kinda cool. I think I want to do that every weekend.) The intake nurse took me back, did the intake-nursey things like weight and blood pressure, and went through the standard intakey checklist. Lots of dears and honeys and sweeties, and no weirdness at all.

My doc came in, and as always he was soo cool. In direct opposition to what I'd initially thought for a doctor in Redneck Central, Florida, he is incredibly well-informed and interested in my progress. He even made a comment about his "other transitioning patients." It reminded me about how at an earlier appointment, he'd mentioned that the clinic I'm going to has about 30 transgender patients. This is a small town, and I'd been sure I was the only one in miles. Maybe we should put together a support group here...

While I'd gone in specifically for back pain, we talked quite a while about GCS, FFS, HRT, BA, and how things are going in general for me. I asked him about progesterone, and he wasn't too knowledgable about it, but promised to study up on the pros and cons so we can talk about it after my next lab tests, coming up next month. He was clear that if the risk factors were low for me, and I wanted it, he'd be happy to prescribe it. I left with a referral to a chiropractor and a big smile on my face.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180817/329fa8f723a4135af6090055348f93ac.jpg)

On to the post office to check the company's PO box. Smiles with the ladies I passed coming and going...

Last stop, Wally World for grocery shopping. It's amazing how mundane stuff becomes a fun adventure when you're happy to be there. I've written about this before, so there's no point in explaining again how it feels. I was just sad to finally have to go back home to my little bubble where I get so little interaction and have the continuing risk of being misgendered among people who've known me so long. But all good things must end, and I got into my casual clothes, had a few fun text sessions with Cassie and @Kendra , and went back to chores.

I know I keep saying things like "I'm living the new normal" but I don't know if such days will ever become unremarkable. I kind of hope they never do become boringly routine. It's much better if we remember that every day is special in one way or another.

Today sure was.

Stephanie

We now return you to our previous story...
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on August 16, 2018, 10:36:21 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 16, 2018, 10:10:03 PM
> the squeee pressure kept building with every correct pronoun. When she complimented me on my nails and I we talked about how I'd had them done to match the dress I wore in a wedding last weekend, then she ooo-ed and ahh-ed over my custom Apple Watch band, I could hear a high-pitched eeeeee noise leaking out of my ears. By the time the last paper was signed and the bill was paid and I thanked her and left, I was about to squeesplode.

Squeesplode(tm).  You need to trademark that.   :laugh:
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 16, 2018, 11:42:49 PM
Quote from: Kendra on August 16, 2018, 10:36:21 PM
Squeesplode(tm).  You need to trademark that.   :laugh:

That'll be $5, ma'am, for unauthorized usage.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on August 17, 2018, 01:16:39 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 16, 2018, 11:42:49 PM
Quote from: Kendra on August 16, 2018, 10:36:21 PM
Squeesplode(tm).  You need to trademark that.   :laugh:

That'll be $5, ma'am, for unauthorized usage.

Stephanie

okay Squeephanie(R).
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 17, 2018, 06:58:33 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 16, 2018, 10:10:03 PM
We interrupt our story for the following SQUEEEE moments.

Stephanie, that was a squee-stravaganza!

Quote
I know I keep saying things like "I'm living the new normal" but I don't know if such days will ever become unremarkable. I kind of hope they never do become boringly routine. It's much better if we remember that every day is special in one way or another.

I am starting to learn that one of the secrets of life is to enjoy (literally, to put joy into) every "normal" moment.  I had no idea what joy was until I started this journey.  Now I find it everywhere: even just going to Timmie's for a dark roast can be a joyful experience.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 17, 2018, 08:09:01 AM
Squee-Stravaganza indeed! That's so cool.

Hugs,
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 17, 2018, 08:34:03 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on August 17, 2018, 06:58:33 AM
Stephanie, that was a squee-stravaganza!

I am starting to learn that one of the secrets of life is to enjoy (literally, to put joy into) every "normal" moment.  I had no idea what joy was until I started this journey.  Now I find it everywhere: even just going to Timmie's for a dark roast can be a joyful experience.

I have always had a morose nature, and I'm getting better, though it's hard sometimes. I'd love to go see Timmie, but not only are there none of them in this little burg, but there's no Starbucks either, and they just closed the Dunkin' Donuts! So unless I want to go to the high-class MAC-donalds, it's just me and my precious Keurig. The joyful part: I'm still in my jammies!


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 17, 2018, 09:15:42 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 17, 2018, 08:34:03 AM
I have always had a morose nature, and I'm getting better, though it's hard sometimes. I'd love to go see Timmie, but not only are there none of them in this little burg, but there's no Starbucks either, and they just closed the Dunkin' Donuts! So unless I want to go to the high-class MAC-donalds, it's just me and my precious Keurig. The joyful part: I'm still in my jammies!

Stephanie

I love my jammies. I won the 1st wear war with Lori (shared jammies) and I haven't given them up yet. I may lose out because wash time is coming soon. Gone are the days that I can wear stuff for 2 weeks and she yells at me for how nasty they are.

Maybe I'll sneak in a hand-wash and dry them real quick ... she'll never suspect ....
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 17, 2018, 09:18:53 AM
Quote from: Faith on August 17, 2018, 09:15:42 AM
I love my jammies. I won the 1st wear war with Lori (shared jammies) and I haven't given them up yet. I may lose out because wash time is coming soon. Gone are the days that I can wear stuff for 2 weeks and she yells at me for how nasty they are.

Maybe I'll sneak in a hand-wash and dry them real quick ... she'll never suspect ....

Well, you're going to have to take them off some time. Aren't your work clothes kinda bulky with the jammies under them?

Stephanie (ducking)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 17, 2018, 09:23:48 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 17, 2018, 09:18:53 AM
Well, you're going to have to take them off some time. Aren't your work clothes kinda bulky with the jammies under them?

Stephanie (ducking)

you haven't seen my jammies ...  :o
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 17, 2018, 09:25:01 AM
Quote from: Faith on August 17, 2018, 09:23:48 AM
you haven't seen my jammies ...  :o

True! Pics or it didn't happen. [emoji12]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on August 17, 2018, 09:25:29 AM
@Steph2.0
QuoteI marched into the DMV looking cute, in my humble opinion, and with my best voice checked in. When I was called up, Amy behind the desk was a little overwhelmed by all the paperwork she had to do for all the custom stuff, so she called another lady over to help. As they consulted I heard things like, "yes, she has to sign this one," and, "right, give her that one," and so on. It went on and on and the squeee pressure kept building with every correct pronoun. When she complimented me on my nails and I we talked about how I'd had them done to match the dress I wore in a wedding last weekend, then she ooo-ed and ahh-ed over my custom Apple Watch band, I could hear a high-pitched eeeeee noise leaking out of my ears. By the time the last paper was signed and the bill was paid and I thanked her and left, I was about to squeesplode. I walked calmly to the Rocket Skate, got in, and let it all out. Dance dance dance!!!

This is wonderful.  I would squeeslode too!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on August 18, 2018, 06:20:24 PM
@Steph2.0

Hi Steph

I hope it never gets mundane for you but maybe what is likely to happen is that the "squeesploding" still occurs ...The internal explosions keep happening but in a more controlled manner...helps with things like focus and car dancing LOL

Its nice to read about all your positive experiences, its these you need to keep in the front of your mind when things get tough.

Take care

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: sarah1972 on August 18, 2018, 08:35:29 PM
Aww @Steph2.0!!!

This is so amazing, what a great progress report. I am so very happy for you!!!

I can't do the Squeeeeeeeeee out of fear for being charged here [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

I hope you will have many more of this kinds of Squeeeeee days!!!

Hugs,

Sarah
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on August 19, 2018, 10:52:57 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 16, 2018, 01:00:08 AM
The Denver Event: Preparations

I have done some pretty cool things in the last year, but this last weekend has to be the best so far. I blame @Kendra.

Those who've been following along may remember a big Thank You party I held on New Years Eve, and how Kendra flew all the way to Florida from Washington state to surprise me. That led to me going to Phoenix in January to surprise her as she recovered from her GCS. My BFF @SassyCassie went along, and out of the blue we met up with this really cool lady from Denver, @Anne Blake AKA Tia. We all hit it off immediately, and after we all returned home, we stayed in touch and developed our friendships further.

Tia had mentioned that she was going to renew her wedding vows some time in August, but at that time flying to Denver wasn't really on my radar. As time went by, though, and our friendships grew closer, it went from a fun idea, to a possibility, to a must-do, especially when Tia asked if Cassie and I were interested in being usherettes. That sealed the deal, and we bought airline tickets.

As the date drew near, anticipation grew, and preparations began. I decided on which dress to wear, then bought a new one when I wasn't thrilled with the first. I bought earrings, a necklace, and bracelets to match. I got my nails done in colors to match the new dress, and for good measure got a pedicure too, even though I planned to wear pumps. The Wednesday before the event I got my hair colored and styled. All of these tasks were done with no outing myself and no strangeness from anyone involved. Despite my misgivings and fears, I was treated like a lady every time.

Anticipation grew.

Back channel communications were rampant, and after much back and forth, Kendra reserved an AirBNB home for all of us to stay at instead of a hotel. Arrangements were finalized for who would be staying at the house, and seven of us ended up reserving a place. As Cassie and I talked it over and made plans, the phrase, "Seven Sisters" sprang into my head, and I remembered the constellation Pleiades, with its "seven sister" stars. Thus was the AirBNB dubbed "Pleiades Place."

Cassie and I decided we wanted to do something for the seven sisters to commemorate the event. We had already been looking at transgender themed jewelry on Etsy, and decided a small necklace with interlocking rings in blue, white, and pink would be a cool thing to get everyone. Cassie ordered the necklaces, chains, and neat little embroidered pouches to present them in. We made cute little tags with the trans flag, the recipient's name, the name of one of the greek sisters in the Pleiades cluster, and a dedication on the back. There was one sister who was heartbroken she couldn't make it due to family obligations, so we included @HappyMoni in our list of sisters.

@Kendra -> Celaeno
@Laurie -> Alcyone
@Michelle_P  -> Merope
@Jessica_Rose  -> Taygete
@SassyCassie -> Electra
@Steph2.0 -> Sterope
@HappyMoni -> Maia

Also included were @Anne Blake , Tia's wife Debi, @Julie -2010 ,  and Jessica Rose's wife Susan. A few days before the event I sent a package to Moni with a tag that she wasn't to open it until we gave her the word.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/c5e3242864b43bbed6c019307afd2145.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/bd7304f5e8c0cfd365805836558e9b29.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180816/2a9fe9213225f4cdbb2c65dd46c01fdd.jpg)

Anticipation reached the boiling point.

The night before our flight, I crashed at Cassie's since she was closer to the airport, and we were up way too late packing and preparing the necklace packages for everyone. The flight was scheduled for 6:30am, and we ended up with only about 1 1/2 hours sleep before we had to get on the road to the airport.

The week before the event I pulled a muscle or something in my back, and the pain had me wondering whether I'd even be able to go. I was devastated at the thought, and didn't get a lot of sleep that week due to both the pain and the worry that I'd have to stay home. I finally decided that I needed to "play through the pain" and Cassie made it clear that if she had to, she'd "drug and drag" me there. I saw a doctor and got muscle relaxers, but neither they nor any other drugs I tried did much to alleviate the pain. Too bad. I'm going...

Continued in Part 2: Friday, August 10th.

(https://i.imgur.com/JKvNtg1.jpg)

Hi Steph,
   I hope you didn't think me rude for not responding to your post, the necklace, and your kind words. I was blown away by your thoughtfulness of including  me in such a fantastic way. I was so happy to be able to talk to the other sisters by Facetime. I hope you don't mind if I update on your thread a bit. As you know, the reason I couldn't be at the wedding was for family health issues and wanting to be there for them. This morning, I am playing catch up on Susan's as we just got back from a week in Gatlinburg, TN. Above is a view from the deck where we stayed of a sunrise over the Smokies. As some of you might know, we were there with my brother and sister in law, Suki. It was touch and go if Suki would be able to be there after recently finishing chemo. She has put up with so much pain and suffering and the one thought she kept using as motivation was the four of us meeting up in the Smokies. One night was especially memorable as we kind of performed a "kick cancer to the curb" ceremony for her. My brother had saved all of her hospital wrist bands and tied them together. We then went outside, looking to make sure we had no company from bears, and safely burned all the wrist bands. It was a truly awesome moment. I was quite honored to be there with my hero, Suki and my wonderful family. We had borrowed a wheel chair from a friend, and therefore, we had great access for Suki to go most anywhere. We took a train ride in an open car through the mountains which was pretty great. The only downer was some guy who sir'ed me from behind me as he was passing by. It was a reminder to me that I was not passing 100% of the time and that the general area was not as open to trans folks as in Maryland. Overall, people were friendly though.
   So, thank you again, Steph and Cassie. You are awesome. I am looking forward to a visit from Anne and Debi soon. Love, Moni
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on August 19, 2018, 11:20:38 AM
I wore the necklace from Stephanie while clubbin' in Bogotá Colombia last night.

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/tuylbb3e8usq7ty/2018-08-19%2000.45.10.jpg?raw=1)
at Theatron - massive LGBT club with 13 dance floors, an entire city block

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/v3zdw6szpwhoqvc/2018-08-19%2002.10.36.jpg?raw=1)
3am after a great day seeing the city

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 19, 2018, 12:01:24 PM
Dear Stephanie:
Your thread along with the most recent contributions, comments, and pictures of you and your forums friends has taken even more of a positive and happy way about it....
Fun times, fun pictures, involvement from all that are touching your life.
Count yourself as very fortunate.

Your thread has become the "fun" place to be!!!!

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

cc:  @Steph2.0 @Kendra @Denise @Laurie @Michelle_P @Jessica_Rose @SassyCassie @HappyMoni @sarah1972
@LizK @Jessica @Faith @Saha @KathyLauren @Donica @Anne Blake @Jayne01 @Stevi @Faith 
       (my apologies if I missed any of the most recent contributors to this thread)















Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on August 19, 2018, 12:56:22 PM
I'm wearing Steph's necklace in the photo so I suppose that qualifies for this thread.  ;)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/bpirontna138nop/2018-08-18%2016.21.39.jpg?raw=1)
Bogotá is so much more than I expected.  I will visit again. 

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/opfn83d8hs0aap5/2018-08-18%2016.31.39.jpg?raw=1)
Denise from Susan's (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=45632) is next to me.  Also two Bogotá locals and two visitors from Canada.  Wonderful people.  Photo is 66% transgender.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 19, 2018, 01:34:48 PM
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 19, 2018, 10:52:57 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/JKvNtg1.jpg)

Hi Steph,
   I hope you didn't think me rude for not responding to your post, the necklace, and your kind words. I was blown away by your thoughtfulness of including  me in such a fantastic way. I was so happy to be able to talk to the other sisters by Facetime. I hope you don't mind if I update on your thread a bit. As you know, the reason I couldn't be at the wedding was for family health issues and wanting to be there for them. This morning, I am playing catch up on Susan's as we just got back from a week in Gatlinburg, TN. Above is a view from the deck where we stayed of a sunrise over the Smokies. As some of you might know, we were there with my brother and sister in law, Suki. It was touch and go if Suki would be able to be there after recently finishing chemo. She has put up with so much pain and suffering and the one thought she kept using as motivation was the four of us meeting up in the Smokies. One night was especially memorable as we kind of performed a "kick cancer to the curb" ceremony for her. My brother had saved all of her hospital wrist bands and tied them together. We then went outside, looking to make sure we had no company from bears, and safely burned all the wrist bands. It was a truly awesome moment. I was quite honored to be there with my hero, Suki and my wonderful family. We had borrowed a wheel chair from a friend, and therefore, we had great access for Suki to go most anywhere. We took a train ride in an open car through the mountains which was pretty great. The only downer was some guy who sir'ed me from behind me as he was passing by. It was a reminder to me that I was not passing 100% of the time and that the general area was not as open to trans folks as in Maryland. Overall, people were friendly though.
   So, thank you again, Steph and Cassie. You are awesome. I am looking forward to a visit from Anne and Debi soon. Love, Moni

Monica!!! I'm so glad to see you back!!!. I'm gald to here Suki is doing better. I wouldn't take too much away from Ill-mannered bone head guy.  Some people are just destined to a life of stupidity. I think you pass just fine girl. 100%. Wow, the smokies. That is such a beautiful place. Monica please!!! Some pictures of you wearing the Seven Sisters Pleiades necklace?


Hugs,
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 19, 2018, 01:37:20 PM
Quote from: Kendra on August 19, 2018, 12:56:22 PM
I'm wearing Steph's necklace in the photo so I suppose that qualifies for this thread.  ;)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/bpirontna138nop/2018-08-18%2016.21.39.jpg?raw=1)
Bogotá is so much more than I expected.  I will visit again. 

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/opfn83d8hs0aap5/2018-08-18%2016.31.39.jpg?raw=1)
Denise from Susan's (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=45632) is next to me.  Also two Bogotá locals and two visitors from Canada.  Wonderful people.  Photo is 66% transgender.

@Kendra
Dear Kendra:
Beautiful pictures... great pic of the city.... and a wonderful picture of all the ladies!!!!
Thanks for sharing.

Oh yes, since your are wearing Stephanie's necklace you have a lifetime pass to post on her thread.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 19, 2018, 01:50:05 PM
Quote from: Kendra on August 19, 2018, 12:56:22 PM
I'm wearing Steph's necklace in the photo so I suppose that qualifies for this thread.  ;)

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/bpirontna138nop/2018-08-18%2016.21.39.jpg?raw=1)
Bogotá is so much more than I expected.  I will visit again. 

(https://www.dropbox.com/s/opfn83d8hs0aap5/2018-08-18%2016.31.39.jpg?raw=1)
Denise from Susan's (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=45632) is next to me.  Also two Bogotá locals and two visitors from Canada.  Wonderful people.  Photo is 66% transgender.

Wow Kendra! Stunning pictures of Bogota. BTW, I love your necklace.

Hugs,
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 19, 2018, 11:36:11 PM
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 19, 2018, 10:52:57 AM

Hi Steph,
   I hope you didn't think me rude for not responding to your post, the necklace, and your kind words. I was blown away by your thoughtfulness of including me in such a fantastic way. I was so happy to be able to talk to the other sisters by Facetime.

Hi Moni,

Of course I don't think you were rude. All of us knew you had a lot of things going on, and while we all consider each other extended family, immediately family should always come first. We knew that in other circumstances you'd be there with us, and we were sad that we were going to miss each other. But knowing you were there in spirit, I wanted you to share the same keepsake the rest of us would have.

I had also arranged to get a good high-resolution picture of you (thank you Laurie and Ann!), and I was planning to print it out full-sized and put it on a stick so you could be in all the pictures with us. Alas, in the rush to get ready, that project got lost in the shuffle.

Two days in a row Cassie and I told each other that we needed to get Moni on FaceTime, and each time we realized that it was too late at night at your home to call you. I was so glad we finally got to talk after a lot of us had already vacated Pleiades Place. Sorry you were driving at the time! It was pretty cool anyway.

QuoteAs you know, the reason I couldn't be at the wedding was for family health issues and wanting to be there for them. This morning, I am playing catch up on Susan's as we just got back from a week in Gatlinburg, TN. Above is a view from the deck where we stayed of a sunrise over the Smokies. As some of you might know, we were there with my brother and sister in law, Suki.

I'm so glad that Suki was able to be there with you. The ceremony sounds a little like the one I had on New Years to celebrate the acceptance of my transition by all my family, friends, and neighbors. We burned a picture of my old drivers license, cards with male pronouns on them, and a bunch of my old baseball caps, which were sort of my trademark in the old days. Such symbolic ceremonies represent such deep feelings and a break with the past along with a celebration of new beginnings. I'm sure emotions ran high, and it's so cool that you all had a reason to celebrate.

Your train trip sounds pretty awesome. I'm sure it was beautiful in the forests of Tennessee. Sorry you got misgendered. I hope it was accidental instead of intentional. As you may know, I still have problems dealing with misgendering, especially since I'm sure that it's accidental. It makes me wonder what I've done wrong, but I'm beginning to realize it's on them, not me. Some day I'll fully believe that.

QuoteSo, thank you again, Steph and Cassie. You are awesome. I am looking forward to a visit from Anne and Debi soon. Love, Moni

I'm sure I speak for Cassie as well as myself when I say it truly was our pleasure. Your smile on FaceTime made it all worth it. Wear it with pride and remember your loving sisters.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 19, 2018, 11:50:55 PM
Quote from: Kendra on August 19, 2018, 11:20:38 AM
I wore the necklace from Stephanie while clubbin' in Bogotá Colombia last night.

Kendra,

It is so cool watching you bop all over the world! Thank you for letting me follow along with Find My Friends tracking. I showed Cassie yesterday where you were and we looked up Theatron. Holy Party House, Batgirl, 13 different old theaters converted to dance clubs with different themes at each. I have mixed feelings about missing the trip - on the one hand, it looks like you're having the time of your life. On the other, I don't think this old lady would be able to keep up with you. I ran myself ragged just going to Denver!

I do want to make something clear: Those aren't "Stephanie's Necklaces." @SassyCassie did about 75% of the legwork to make it all happen, so she deserves the major part of the credit. In any case, we're both equally happy that everyone likes them!

Let's see, it's 12:50 Eastern time, so it's 11:50 where you are as I write this, and I see you're out dancing again, this time at Video Club. Yeah, I'd be back at the hotel snoozing by now. Live it up for both of us!!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 12:00:18 AM
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on August 19, 2018, 12:01:24 PM
Dear Stephanie:
Your thread along with the most recent contributions, comments, and pictures of you and your forums friends has taken even more of a positive and happy way about it....
Fun times, fun pictures, involvement from all that are touching your life.
Count yourself as very fortunate.

Your thread has become the "fun" place to be!!!!

Hi Danielle,

You have no idea how fortunate I feel to have gotten to know so many awesome people. My world had been so small and circumscribed before I transitioned and discovered Susan's. I now have people I'm privileged to call friends all over this country and all over the world!

I'd never hosted a popular party in the old days. You shock me by saying that my thread is the fun place to be, but I'll take it. If people are enjoying themselves by posting here, then I'm happy, too! I love reading about what my friends are doing, here or in their own threads. I just regret that I've been too busy lately to contribute as much as I'd like. Whether I post or not, I hope my friends know that I'm reading and smiling or crying with you all.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 12:05:30 AM
Quote from: sarah1972 on August 18, 2018, 08:35:29 PM
Aww @Steph2.0!!!

This is so amazing, what a great progress report. I am so very happy for you!!!

I can't do the Squeeeeeeeeee out of fear for being charged here [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

Hi Sarah,

No worries about Squeeee. It's in the common usage. Now Squeeesplode™, well, be very careful. My spies are everywhere.

Thanks for the good wishes. I've been following your thread, too, and it sounds like things are going very well for you. I hope that continues forever!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 12:09:01 AM
Quote from: Jessica on August 17, 2018, 09:25:29 AM
@Steph2.0
This is wonderful.  I would squeeslode too!

Thanks, Jessica!

That's $5 for using squeeesplode™ without permission and attribution (misspelling doesn't excuse it! Nice try  :D)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 12:16:20 AM
Quote from: LizK on August 18, 2018, 06:20:24 PM
I hope it never gets mundane for you but maybe what is likely to happen is that the "squeesploding" still occurs ...The internal explosions keep happening but in a more controlled manner...helps with things like focus and car dancing LOL

Its nice to read about all your positive experiences, its these you need to keep in the front of your mind when things get tough.

Hi Liz,

You are always the voice of calm reason in any storm. Yes, I do need to keep these good times in mind when the inevitable bad times occur. In the meantime, I expect that eventually the squeeesploding will morph into quiet satisfaction. At the moment, though, it's still new enough to elicit a boisterous celebration.

It was so cool to talk with you on FaceTime! Text and static pictures give such a limited view of a person, and it was so obvious when we talked what a dynamic, wise, and caring person you are. I have yet another friend and advisor on the other side of the world. How cool is that!?

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on August 20, 2018, 11:10:15 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 12:16:20 AM
> I expect that eventually the squeeesploding will morph into quiet satisfaction

Song lyrics for Mick Jagger were originally "I can't get no squeeesplode™ action" but changed to avoid trademark infringement.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 19, 2018, 11:50:55 PM
Let's see, it's 12:50 Eastern time, so it's 11:50 where you are as I write this, and I see you're out dancing again, this time at Video Club. Yeah, I'd be back at the hotel snoozing by now. Live it up for both of us!!

I did!  The clock said 5 am when I left, but maybe that's metric system.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 04:04:07 PM
Quote from: Kendra on August 20, 2018, 11:10:15 AM
Song lyrics for Mick Jagger were originally "I can't get no squeeesplode[emoji769] action" but changed to avoid trademark infringement.

Well he tried, and he tried, and he tried, and he tried...


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 04:08:02 PM
Gosh, I have so many things I want to write about. Here's something short and easy, specifically for @KathyLauren :

I was walking through the huge retirement community called "The Villages" this morning, and paused outside the Peterbrooke Chocolatier store because this sign just screamed, "Kathy!"

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180820/0d1b8ee902408e2ad00bda05e6772c1b.jpg)

It took enormous self-control, but I did manage to keep myself from going in and spending far too much money...


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 20, 2018, 04:16:30 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 04:08:02 PM
Gosh, I have so many things I want to write about. Here's something short and easy, specifically for @KathyLauren :

I was walking through the huge retirement community called "The Villages" this morning, and paused outside the Peterbrooke Chocolatier store because this sign just screamed, "Kathy!"

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180820/0d1b8ee902408e2ad00bda05e6772c1b.jpg)

It took enormous self-control, but I did manage to keep myself from going in and spending far too much money...


Stephanie

OMG, you remembered!  :D  I hear that sign calling my name!

Wine and chocolate have to be one of the all-time greatest combinations ever.  You didn't even go in for a sample?  What were you thinking???
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 04:23:40 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on August 20, 2018, 04:16:30 PM
OMG, you remembered!  :D  I hear that sign calling my name!

Wine and chocolate have to be one of the all-time greatest combinations ever.  You didn't even go in for a sample?  What were you thinking???

Of course I remembered! We women never forget our friends and their preferences.

No, sadly I didn't go in. While the sign was screaming "Katheeeeeee!" and the aroma wafting out of the door was screaming "Stephaneeeeeee!" my wallet was screaming, "Help meeeeeeee!" The noise was too much and I fled.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 06:42:22 PM
I do promise to get back to the Denver trip, but there has been so much going on lately that I want to talk about. Not necessarily in chronological order...

It seems that around our neighborhood, I have been the de facto social organizer when it comes to doing fly-outs. That was true even in the "old days." Generally speaking, if I don't get the ball rolling, everyone is too apathetic to arrange flying to breakfast. Well, I have a plane to fly for a while since I donated a bunch of labor to get my neighbor's plane back in shape. Last Friday I texted everyone, suggesting we fly to breakfast the next morning. After back-and-forth, it was decided to go to the Pyper Kub restaurant on the Williston airport, about 1/2 hour flight north. Yikes!

I say yikes! because I have a history there. We've been flying there ever since I moved to this place 11 years ago. I have no idea why, but the proprietress, Carol, had taken to me from the beginning, always gushing over me and welcoming me in with big smiles and hugs, and making me promise I wouldn't stay away so long next time. Understand that this was "Steve" she was making such a fuss over.

The last time I was there was on November 4, 2017, according to my log. I was still presenting male, or at least androgynously. While I had what I consider to be my very first male fail there that day, Carol still saw "Steve." I wrote about it here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2045764.html#msg2045764 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2045764.html#msg2045764). (Incidentally, @Jayne01 , this is the entry that prompted you to make your first post on my thread.)

So... I had to face going there for the first time as my new self. I fretted about it all night. There was no way I'd changed enough that she wouldn't recognize me at all. Besides, she'd recognize Sue and the rest of the gang I was flying with. I commiserated with @SassyCassie about possible scenarios for the next morning. Cassie wondered whether, even long before either me or Carol acknowledged who I really was, that maybe it was actually Stephanie who she was making a fuss over. Could she have sensed it somehow? I had no idea. In any case I decided I was actually kind of looking forward to it. At least it would be over, one way or another. But the whole thing had an unreal quality about it. The place was so familiar, yet would be so new in so many ways. Just the thought of using the ladies' room, right across from the men's room I used to always use - the one with huge posters of Dale Earnhardt on the walls - was disorienting. Most distressing, though, was the uncertainty of my reception by Carol and her gruff husband. How would they react?

Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion!!





No, I wouldn't do that to you.

We landed and tied down the planes. The young lady on the golf cart on the ramp smiled and waved. To leave the airport property, you have to walk through the airport lobby. The guy working the counter and the inevitable airport dawgs hanging around the FBO smiled and said hi. No weirdness there...

Pause outside the door. Deep breath, and walk into the restaurant. Carol was effusive with her welcome to everyone else, who had gone in first. While she was distracted I took my seat, partially screened by the others. She took our breakfast orders, and it seemed like there was no recognition when she took mine. Curious. Coffee refills, still no comments or even noticeable signs she knew who I was. When we were done eating, I went to the ladies' room. Huh. No posters on the wall or any other decorations.

When I came out everyone had paid, and were walking toward the planes. Sue was chatting with Carol, and I summoned the courage of Tia and Cassie, walked up to her, and put my hand on her shoulder. I said, "It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

She said, "Yes, too long!"

I said, "There've been a lot of changes since I was last here."

"Yes, there have, and you need to come back more often!"

I promised I would, and that was it. How very strange. I wonder if she even fully realized what was going on; if it was going to sink in later. I had deliberately dressed up so there would be no question of my intention. In any case, back through the FBO, more smiles, and out to the ramp. The young woman on the golf cart motored up to the two women headed for their plane, and said hi. She had a neat necklace on, and I channeled Tia and complimented her on it, which started a whole conversation about necklaces and other jewelry. Just two stylish women having a chat...

We headed home. I still wonder what went on there, but it turned out a whole lot better than some of the scenarios I'd imagined. I do know, though, that I'll be going back more often now.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180820/2a1fde4f40745a49f6cb614ed5ffe946.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180820/2448a18a13539ae4eca39ab321595929.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 20, 2018, 06:59:41 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 06:42:22 PMIn any case I decided I was actually kind of looking forward to it
What a great experience: another trepidation bites the dust!  I think you approached it with the right attitude.  I actually enjoy coming out to people now: it's fun!

Carol sounds like a classy lady.  It may have taken her a while to figure it out, but she played it low-key, which is the respecful thing to do if in doubt.  And the suggestion to come back more often lets you know for sure where she stands.  Yay!

Flying out for breakfast sounds like fun.  :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 20, 2018, 07:07:24 PM
Just when you think it's safe to come out of ... hm, ... Just when you think you're done coming out ... meh ...I'll think of something but by the time that I do it won't matter any more.

Good for you Stephanie. Once again, proof that you have nothing to fear or worry about.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 20, 2018, 07:31:39 PM
The Orlando Science Center has an all-adult night that they call Science Night Live (SNL) every three months or so. Sue and I had gone back in June, and had a great time. I knew @SassyCassie would enjoy it, so when another one came up for last Saturday evening, I dragged her there. After a nice dinner, where we were treated as ladies should be, we headed over.

For these special events the whole museum is open to 21 and over only. Adult beverages and snacks are available, along with music and a dance floor, and a bunch of special events that appeal to adults. As soon as we got there we headed for Science Trivia. The first round was all about dogs, and I'm embarrassed to say that we didn't do well, despite me being a dog momma. But everyone ma'amed and ladied us, and invited us back for the 9:45 session, which was going to be Star Trek Trivia. Knowing that we wouldn't have a chance against a roomful of Star Trek geeks, we set our timers to go try it anyway. We wandered around enjoying the static displays and the hands-on stuff, then headed back to the café to do some geek-gawking. We answered all ten questions the best we could. The room was a little put out when they asked a question involving the planet Vulcan, and showed a picture of Tatooine. It demonstrated the concentration of nerd blood flowing through all those veins.

We turned in our cards, knowing that there were going to be massive ties for first place as all the geeks got all ten questions correct. They read off the answers, and we got one wrong. Ninety percent, not bad, but not a chance of winning in this crowd. They read off the winners: Galaxy Girl and The Electric Diva! NO WAY!! WTH? In this crowd?! We went up front to applause, pictures, and the collection of a swag bag. Unbelievable.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180821/7bd5131c45387003f3852fd71e854b08.jpg)

Later we ran across a studio set up with a greenscreen and video overlays from a local TV station for doing weather reports. Cassie and I got hired as the new weather girls, and had some giggles playing with it.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180821/cc1c79ee705fb6ed33bcb44346089c97.png)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180821/d39e6bf4aa658c74439db3ce4fe5e556.png)

A few more random pictures:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180821/705a7809b9e071bcd55aa37c2bedd05b.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180821/df8b670630528d8fc3744815ed670682.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180821/adba157b53c2adb07e1223c574c021f6.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180821/98678568a38841a19d02c3c84018f337.jpg)

We closed the place and headed out. Looking for a snack, we headed to a Shake and Steak for late night milkshakes.

I haven't really talked about my outfit for the night. I wore my sleeveless LBD, and the theme was music. I had dangly treble clef earrings, a bracelet with musical notes, an infinity symbol, and a treble clef, and a long necklace with a treble clef that, in small writing, had "Music is what feelings sound like" written on it. I was also wearing my new wedge sandals, and had considered wearing my "Rhapsody scarf" as a belt, but discarded that idea. I was feeling pretty fabulous.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180821/46d8bb82fd25ddb645eab8c30fdac6c2.jpg)

In any case as we walked in Cassie nudged me and pointed out that there was a lady in one of the booths trying to get my attention. Understand that when we go out together, it's generally the young pretty Cassie who gets the attention, and I watch in awe, and admittedly, some envy. But this time I was gushed over. The lady just fell in love with my necklace and was effusive in her praise and admiration of my outfit. It wasn't the sugar in the milkshake that made me high and had me floating back out of the restaurant. She made sure to say goodnight and let me know where I could find her if I ever chose to give up my necklace. I made sure to get good distance from the picture windows before I let out the Squeeesplosion[emoji769].

What a night...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 30, 2018, 11:09:01 AM
Wow, I really haven't posted here for ten days? There is just so much going on, almost all of it good. I'll try to catch up, but I'll just talk about this morning now.

This was the big day for me - I did my Skype consultation with FacialTeam to talk about FFS. At 9:30am I met up with Dr. Gutiérrez online.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180830/22ae5f8bd60ca78c6453839c1c578c00.jpg)

I was able to record the entire session, which was good, because I had to review it before I could truly absorb what he had to say. The end result is a bit of a shock to me. He seriously doesn't believe I need FFS, just regular stuff that any woman my age would need. He's going to send me a quote for hair grafts, rhinoplasty, and lip lift, which they can do there. The other things he said I could do, such as a regular face lift, blepharoplasty, and neck lift, aren't done by FacialTeam. He's going to consult with a local plastic surgeon they work with and include his quote along with theirs. He actually recommended just getting everything done with regular plastic surgeons in the US, but will send the quote after I told him how expensive the costs were here compared to there.

It's going to take a while to absorb what he had to say. He was adamant that I already had a very feminine facial structure, and all I need is minor things. I still don't see it in the mirror, but as always, I guess I'm a terrible judge, and I will try to believe what both my friends, and now world-renown experts, tell me.

Wow.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on August 30, 2018, 02:58:22 PM
Hi Stephanie.  It sounds like you got a lot of good information at your call with the doctor.  That was wise to record it so you can revisit and remember exactly what was said.  These conversations can be a mental blur sometimes.  I think its good that he gave you his honest appraisal despite it costing an opportunity for business.   I actually considered some facial work but in the end realized I don't need it.  Several people have told me so.  As we age (I'm older than you) the look we aspire to changes too.  And I certainly don't want to look like I've had surgery by appearing too young!  Sometimes working around the edges is all we need!  Take the doctors recommendation at face value (no pun intended).  I seem to think from all the traveling and people you've interacted with that you are at the sweet spot we all aspire to.  I think you look good and you seem to have a great style.   
Judi   
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on August 30, 2018, 08:16:01 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 30, 2018, 11:09:01 AMHe seriously doesn't believe I need FFS, just regular stuff that any woman my age would need.
Stephanie, I am not at all surprised at this.  That is what we've been telling you. ;)

I am glad that your consultation went well, and that they gave you a recommentation that is not in their best interests but is in your interest.  I think that gives them credibility.  Given that your facial structure is good, I am sure that any enhancements that you do will give you awesome results.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 31, 2018, 12:08:15 PM
Thank you Judi and Kathy!

Judi, style? I'm still figuring things out, but it's fun! I'm going on a dance cruise for my birthday tomorrow, and I get to wear my LBD!

Kathy, I got my quote from FacialTeam already, and they do seem to have my interests in mind instead of theirs.

They're recommending hair grafts, upper blepharoplasty, rhinoplasty, and lip lift. Face and neck lift can come later if I want them. And I kinda do. I don't mind looking younger, as long as it looks natural. After all, next Monday I'll be turning only 60 years young. Sixty is the new forty. [emoji16]


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on August 31, 2018, 01:02:57 PM
Wow Stephanie! You have been a very busy girl. I mist your thread for a few days and wow! I took this morning to catch up. I'm very happy that things went well with Carol and that you continue to fly to breakfast. And the Orlando Science Center sounds like a lot of fun. OMG! I Didn't know you were so into music, or did I forget about a post in a music thread that you made? Oh dear, my memory is slipping I think. I sooo want to find a neckless with a treble clef like that with Silver earrings too. I've been look for a neckless but didn't know what I wanted until reading your updates. Great news from your FFS FacialTeam. I'm still waiting for my approval. I can only hope it goes as well as yours has. Did I read that it's your birthday tomorrow? Happy birthday and all my best wishes Stephanie. I will gladly pay you $5 for the unauthorized use for my next comment. Girl,,,, I am SQUEEESPLODING  ;D.

Lots of hugs,
Donica. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Stevi on August 31, 2018, 06:20:18 PM
Stephanie,

We'll be incommunicado on your birthday, leaving port tomorrow afternoon, so we want to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOUNG LADY!  a bit early.  Enjoy your party and our best wishes to you for fabulous year to come.

Stevi and Penny
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 31, 2018, 08:07:38 PM
Quote from: Stevi on August 31, 2018, 06:20:18 PM
Stephanie,

We'll be incommunicado on your birthday, leaving port tomorrow afternoon, so we want to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOUNG LADY!  a bit early.  Enjoy your party and our best wishes to you for fabulous year to come.

Stevi and Penny

Enjoy your cruise, you two! I really enjoyed your visit. I'll write all about it after you're at sea and can't refute my lies!

Thank you for the birthday wishes!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 31, 2018, 09:23:18 PM
Quote from: Donica on August 31, 2018, 01:02:57 PM
Wow Stephanie! You have been a very busy girl. I mist your thread for a few days and wow! I took this morning to catch up. I'm very happy that things went well with Carol and that you continue to fly to breakfast. And the Orlando Science Center sounds like a lot of fun. OMG! I Didn't know you were so into music, or did I forget about a post in a music thread that you made? Oh dear, my memory is slipping I think. I sooo want to find a neckless with a treble clef like that with Silver earrings too. I've been look for a neckless but didn't know what I wanted until reading your updates. Great news from your FFS FacialTeam. I'm still waiting for my approval. I can only hope it goes as well as yours has. Did I read that it's your birthday tomorrow? Happy birthday and all my best wishes Stephanie. I will gladly pay you $5 for the unauthorized use for my next comment. Girl,,,, I am SQUEEESPLODING  ;D.

Lots of hugs,
Donica.

Hi Donica! Thanks for the nice comments!

I do love music, and I was in the band all through school (once I found out it got me out of gym class and I didn't have to use the boys lockers and showers), but I really don't consider myself a musician. I mess around with a guitar, a ukulele, and very occasionally a banjo, but lately I've been having fun with something called a JamStik. It's a six string, 5 fret mini guitar looking thing that's actually a MIDI controller for software running on a tablet or phone. Since it's all electronic you can make it sound like anything - and though it has real strings, it makes little noise, so I can plug in headsets and practice any time without waking anyone up.

As for the necklace, here's what I ordered: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HQ2MQR0/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HQ2MQR0/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1) It's a treble clef with the words, "Music is what feelings sound like" printed on it.

FFS: well, I don't need approval. I have zero insurance coverage on what they consider to be cosmetic procedures, so since it's coming out of my pocket, I just need to decide what I want and where to get it, then wait for the appointment. Then cry all the way to the bank. But it's not optional, just like GCS. At least right now insurance does cover that.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's actually on Monday - Labor Day, appropriate for my mom...

Since it's my birthday, there's no charge for using copyrighted terms this weekend! Enjoy!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on August 31, 2018, 09:43:36 PM
Wednesday and Thursday I had the pleasure of spending time with a couple of Susan's denizens who were passing through and wanted to visit. @Stevi and her wife Penny hung out with us and it was a lot of fun.

On Wednesday we met for brunch in the local restaurant where I'd been treated so well after my name change court hearing back in December. We then went back to my hacienda and sat and talked about all kinds of things, but mostly about transitioning and how it's going. Then when we got a break in the weather, I got the plane out and we went for a local flight.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180901/1be8530d348455c019c65229865eba4e.jpg)

Later in the day we picked up @SassyCassie and drove to Orlando for one of the T-Network social gatherings. These are strictly for socializing, and Stevi and Penny had never been to anything like it before. Stevi had been to group therapy sessions, but Penny wasn't welcome at them, so this was a new experience for both, and I think they enjoyed it.

Next morning I was tied up with my FacialTeam consultation, then we all met up with Cassie for dinner, then went to a trivia contest in an ice cream shop. Very dangerous. After finishing in the upper third but out of the money, we all headed home.

Stevi and Penny are pretty cool people. It's awesome that I've been able to make some more fun friendships through Susan's. What a precious resource we have here!

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on September 01, 2018, 02:38:45 AM
Hi Stephanie,

I'm glad your Skype FFS consultation went so well. From what you've said, it sounds like they have your best interests in mind rather than solely try to get your business.

Quote
.......He seriously doesn't believe I need FFS, just regular stuff that any woman my age would need.........

...........He was adamant that I already had a very feminine facial structure, and all I need is minor things...........
Is this the part where we say "told you so"? I would also replace the word "need" in the two quoted statements with "want". I don't think you "need" any work done to make you look feminine. It purely comes down to what will make you happy when looking in the mirror for your own peace of mind.

Quote
I still don't see it in the mirror, but as always, I guess I'm a terrible judge, and I will try to believe what both my friends, and now world-renown experts, tell me.
We are always the worst person to judge ourselves. Nobody would ever treat us the way we treat ourselves when we are being self critical. Girl, you are rocking it. Just look at the smile on your face in all your recent photos. You are full of joy living your new life.

I hope you can find the right solution to satisfy your own personal desires.

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on September 01, 2018, 07:00:36 AM
Meeting other Susan-ites seems to be all the rage this summer.  You two look like you are having a lot of fun in that airplane.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 01, 2018, 08:32:59 AM
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 01, 2018, 02:38:45 AM
Hi Stephanie,

I'm glad your Skype FFS consultation went so well. From what you've said, it sounds like they have your best interests in mind rather than solely try to get your business.
Is this the part where we say "told you so"? I would also replace the word "need" in the two quoted statements with "want". I don't think you "need" any work done to make you look feminine. It purely comes down to what will make you happy when looking in the mirror for your own peace of mind.
We are always the worst person to judge ourselves. Nobody would ever treat us the way we treat ourselves when we are being self critical. Girl, you are rocking it. Just look at the smile on your face in all your recent photos. You are full of joy living your new life.

I hope you can find the right solution to satisfy your own personal desires.

I've been getting that a lot lately, from people on the forums and through private messages, and I thank everyone so much for the nice words. I have only two reservations about them.

The first and happiest is that we all know how friendships color our perceptions. I won't go as far as to say that anyone is deliberately bending the truth to make their friend feel better, but I do believe that just the fact that we love someone does tend to mask that person's faults from us. We are almost literally blind to such things as we appreciate all the wonderful things about our friend. It's different for strangers who are often all too willing to go looking for such faults. So seeing the stuff that's not so perfect in the mirror can also be a defense mechanism. I'll acknowledge that I probably go too far in seeing those faults, but my excuse is that seeing the wrong thing in the mirror for 50 years creates a critical thought pattern that's going to take a long time to break.

The second is that here I can pick and choose what you all see. You're not likely to be shown too many pics of me without at least some effort with the hair and makeup. So in that respect I'm still wearing a mask to save myself from criticism. I'm not able to control things to that extent in the "real world," whatever that means.

So my goal remains that of any cis-woman: Be able to throw on a t-shirt and jeans, tie my hair back, and run to the store without getting misgendered. There is no way that can happen right now. I admit that in some respects I won the genetic lottery (if being transgender can be considered "winning" in any way). We all have things that work for us and against us, especially those of us who've endured testosterone poisoning for so long. So I'll enjoy whatever advantages I have and correct the correctable disadvantages as much as possible.

Yes, much of what I plan is to simply make myself feel better. But part of that is simple practicality. It's too much work, and should be unnecessary to get fixed up just to go get some milk or cut the lawn.

Oh, and please don't bother to hit me with the "you shouldn't care what other people think of you - misgendering shouldn't bother you" argument. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 01, 2018, 09:36:39 AM
Well, thanks to web interfaces, I had a great post prepared, and at the last moment, poof! Gone. Here we go again...

A Day in the Life


Last Monday started out with a trip to my primary doctor's office to have blood drawn for my quarterly tests. This time I asked them to check for not just testosterone levels, but all three E's: Estrogen, Estradiol and Estrone. The same phlebotomist that I usually see greeted me, and in hushed tones asked me how "the change" was going. She's very interested, in a clinical way, but being uneducated in it, uses layman's terms. We talked frankly about the process, and at one point she said, "have you had it done yet?" pointing down. I have to do a little educating about proper etiquette, but she was respectful about it all, so we talked about what that all means. She had to pull out her manual to find out how to take all those E samples, and we chatted while she looked it all up. At the front desk Jeanine, who used to call me "Mister Steve," was as friendly as always and wished me a nice day. squee.

I've been seeing a chiropractor for the back pain I've been living with since before the Denver trip. The truly awesome thing is I don't think my doctor included my full history when he sent the referral, and nobody there seems to know my story. I'm just Stephanie to them, and the front desk ladies - and even other patients - and I have had some fun and extremely affirming conversations as we banter about hair and jewelry and clothing and just life-in-general. The back problem is just about fixed, and I'm going to miss my three-times-a-week visits there.

After having blood sucked out of me, I went to my morning back breaker appointment, and when I was done, I was feeling so good that I didn't want to go home. I did however, have a craving for a Starbucks Mocha, especially considering that I'd had to fast for the blood tests and had had zero caffeine so far, so off I went. I love being greeted with "yes ma'am," telling them my name to put on the cup (and usually telling them it's "ph" not "f" in Stephanie), and waiting for them to call it out. squeee. (Ahhh, chocolate and coffee. Almost as good as chocolate and wine, right, Kathy?).

From there to the auto parts store to return some touchup paint that was the wrong color for the Colossus. I'd bought it from a lady at the counter the week before, and was treated right then, and told if it was the wrong color, just bring it back. So I did. The guy at the counter wasn't sure how to take the return, so he called his manager, who happened to be the lady I'd already dealt with (yay, a woman manager at an auto parts store!). He consulted with her: "She bought this last week and needs to return it." "Yes, I remember her, do this and this." Squeeeeee.

I still didn't want to go back to isolation at home. On the way that direction I pass a local college where I've been considering taking classes. I was certain that the class catalog would be online, but I wanted more social interaction, so I drove in and went inside. The nice lady in the registrars office gave me paperwork to take home, and lots of affirmation. Squeee!

On to the post office to check the PO box. I remember driving over there late at night and surreptitiously sneaking in and out when there was no one to see. No more. Troop in, smile at everyone, get smiles in return, and check the mail. SQUEE!

Still not wanting to go home, what to do? Hey, we need groceries! Off to the Wall Mart's Superduper Store. On the way to the grocery section, I get pulled into the women's clothing department. Ooo, that's cute! I restrained myself, though I did go to the cosmetics section and pick out some new lipstick. In groceries the women smiled back and the men moved out of my way. Checking out I channelled Tia and struck up a conversation with the cashier, leaving us both smiling as I left. At the exit sensors the gentleman in front of me set off the alarm and we bantered a little about what to do about it, with no drama or weirdness. More smiles, and out to the Rocket Skate. SQUEEEEE!

I had finally exhausted all excuses for not going home. While I ate lunch I reviewed the paperwork from the college. Dang, they want copies of transcripts from high school and previous colleges. There is no way they are going to see such things with a mismatched name on them. So what the heck, I got online and started researching if I could change the name on ancient records. The high school stuff was hazy, but the path seemed pretty clear for my college records. I had attended for three years in the early 80's until the school and I mutually agreed that we didn't like each other any more, and I went into the workplace, creating my own career without their help. With minimal research I found an email address, and after a few messages back and forth, one including scans of my court order and driver's license, they wrote back that they were changing it and here's how to order copies. SQUEEEEEEEE!!!

It was an incredible day. I'll state again that while such things will be expected and unremarkable some day, right now it just feels so good...

But that's not all.

Yesterday I received something in the mail I never expected to see. My college transcripts arrived, with Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger on the top. She is less than a year old, and she's already been to college!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180901/6582816260a0be805996b93ecc4160a6.jpg)

SQUEEEEESPLOSION!!! [emoji769]

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 01, 2018, 09:40:31 AM
Quote from: KathyLauren on September 01, 2018, 07:00:36 AM
Meeting other Susan-ites seems to be all the rage this summer.  You two look like you are having a lot of fun in that airplane.

Well, she didn't jump out, so I guess she enjoyed it.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on September 01, 2018, 12:32:52 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 01, 2018, 09:40:31 AM
Well, she didn't jump out, so I guess she enjoyed it.

Oh Stephanie! That was so funny. I'm still laughing as I write this :eusa_clap: Not to make fun of one of my passengers misfortunes, and at the time I didn't, and not to steal your thread but I felt this would be appropriate. We departed from CMA one morning for a quick flight over the Sespe mountains in SoCal to look at our old hiking grounds. He was fine for most of the trip, saying, "Let's go over there!. Let's look at that! Wow cool!" We dropped into the canyon for a closer look. As the canyon started to close up, I told my passenger we need to make tight 180 and head back out of the canyon. He said "Ok! Cool, let's go". It was only a 60 degree bank but when I pulled back on the yolk, he yelled out "Oooohhh nnnooo!. Stop!. I have to get out!". He almost left his breakfast all over the floor of the rented 172. I quickly leveled the wings and gingerly headed straight back to the airport while desperately trying to calm him down. I called ahead and reported that I had an ill passenger aboard and requested to expedite our landing. Thank god he was able to hold his breakfast until he got out of the plane. I really didn't want to have to clean up such a mess. I can still see his pale white face. He never went up with me again after that.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 01, 2018, 12:44:59 PM
Quote from: Donica on September 01, 2018, 12:32:52 PM
Oh Stephanie! That was so funny. I'm still laughing as I write this :eusa_clap: Not to make fun of one of my passengers misfortunes, and at the time I didn't, and not to steal your thread but I felt this would be appropriate. We departed from CMA one morning for a quick flight over the Sespe mountains in SoCal to look at our old hiking grounds. He was fine for most of the trip, saying, "Let's go over there!. Let's look at that! Wow cool!" We dropped into the canyon for a closer look. As the canyon started to close up, I told my passenger we need to make tight 180 and head back out of the canyon. He said "Ok! Cool, let's go". It was only a 60 degree bank but when I pulled back on the yolk, he yelled out "Oooohhh nnnooo!. Stop!. I have to get out!". He almost left his breakfast all over the floor of the rented 172. I quickly leveled the wings and gingerly headed straight back to the airport while desperately trying to calm him down. I called ahead and reported that I had an ill passenger aboard and requested to expedite our landing. Thank god he was able to hold his breakfast until get out of the plane. I really didn't want to have to clean up such a mess. I can still see his pale white face. He never went up with me again after that.

Oh, that would be horrible. At least you were able to complete the box canyon turn before you had to straighten out. I've had to cut a few flights short because of that. I'm constantly checking to see how my passenger is doing.

60 degree bank = 2g's and most people aren't used to anything but a quick bump. I have to admit, anything sustained over 2g's gets to me, too, unless I'm doing the actual maneuvering.

As a pilot you've probably heard this, but I'll relate it for those who haven't. An aerobatic jet team pilot was going to take someone up, and told them the best thing to eat before the flight was bananas. The passenger asked, why, does it fight nausea? The pilot replied, no, but they taste the same coming up as they do going down.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Kendra on September 01, 2018, 01:51:17 PM
I've done that to passengers very close to ground level in my modified Fiat. 
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on September 01, 2018, 05:41:55 PM
@Donica
As an instructor, I had to deal with motion sickness all the time.  We flew all our turns at 60 degrees, 2Gs.  Aerobatics were 3 to 4 Gs.  (The aircraft limit was 7.33Gs.)  And we did spins.  We had a simple rule: if you made the mess, you clean it up.

I had one student who had a chronic motion sickness problem, and I was assigned to cure him of it.  If he had to use his airsick bag, I'd take control while he dealt with it, then he had to take control back and continue the mission.  He was cured by the end of the course.

@Steph2.0
That was a veritable squee-stravaganza!  And yes, chocolate and coffee is almost as good as chocolate and wine.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jessica on September 03, 2018, 03:14:05 PM
Happy Birthday Stephanie 🎂
You're still a youngin'!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl


@Steph2.0
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 03, 2018, 03:17:23 PM
Quote from: Jessica on September 03, 2018, 03:14:05 PM
Happy Birthday Stephanie [emoji512]
You're still a youngin'!

Thank you Jessica!

And the next 60 will be lived authentically.

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on September 03, 2018, 03:34:43 PM
It's your birthday today? Well Happy Birthday Stephanie! :icon_birthday:

Hugs,
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on September 03, 2018, 05:51:12 PM
Happy birthday bday Stephanie!
[emoji126][emoji322][emoji322][emoji320][emoji320]🛒[emoji324][emoji324][emoji324][emoji512][emoji512][emoji512]
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on September 03, 2018, 07:14:27 PM
Happy birthday, Stephanie!  Here's to the next 60 years!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Anne Blake on September 03, 2018, 07:19:28 PM
I will join this band wagon, it is a good one to ride.

Happy Birthday Stephanie!!!

Tia Anne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on September 04, 2018, 05:39:48 AM
Happy Birthday Steph

and Another next 60 authentically... :icon_clap:

:icon_birthday:
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on September 04, 2018, 07:02:25 AM
Catching me up!!! Happy Birthday love (she says lurking behind the keyboard) XXXXXX
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 04, 2018, 04:23:50 PM
I have so much to write about as soon as I have some time to catch up. But right now I just have to post this. They were a day late because of the holidays, but these came in the mail today from my Mom and my sister:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180904/27aaaa7fd94935e956a39e8ad31fb9fc.jpg)

I cried so hard and long...

Stephanie

Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on September 04, 2018, 04:30:39 PM
Awwww Stephanie, that is so sweet. I'm so happy for you!!

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: LizK on September 04, 2018, 06:29:51 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 04, 2018, 04:23:50 PM
I have so much to write about as soon as I have some time to catch up. But right now I just have to post this. They were a day late because of the holidays, but these came in the mail today from my Mom and my sister:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180904/27aaaa7fd94935e956a39e8ad31fb9fc.jpg)

I cried so hard and long...

Stephanie

As would I have...that is just so affirming in so many ways....Brilliant, I love it!!

Liz
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on September 04, 2018, 06:39:33 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 04, 2018, 04:23:50 PM
I cried so hard and long...
Oh, that is lovely, Stephanie! 

I cry over that kind of stuff, too.  A while back, my brother CCed me on an email to someone else.  He said:
QuoteI like the idea, but in a simpler version.  Let me run it by my sister and get some feedback.

Kathy, how does this strike you and what modifications would you suggest, if any?
I lose it when he refers to me as his sister. :)
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 05, 2018, 08:36:12 AM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:
You are now going to hear my favorite word....  Wow-whee .....
Thank you for posting this joyous bit of your personal life....
.... we are all finding tears in our eyes as we rejoice with you over your posting and pictures of those beautiful birthday cards that you received from your mom and your sister.   
It clearly appears that you are very accepted by your loved ones and family members ...
....so there is your feedback that you were hoping for.
               ABSOLUTELY a beautiful Birthday event for you.... 
....oh, and allow me to also wish you a
       :icon_birthday:   HAPPY BIRTHDAY  :icon_birthday:

***Question: So, Stephanie, what did you do for your Special Day ???

Hugs and well wishes to you....   
Danielle





Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 04, 2018, 04:23:50 PM
I have so much to write about as soon as I have some time to catch up. But right now I just have to post this. They were a day late because of the holidays, but these came in the mail today from my Mom and my sister:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180904/27aaaa7fd94935e956a39e8ad31fb9fc.jpg)

I cried so hard and long...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 05, 2018, 02:25:55 PM
A new milestone! Kendra pointed out that my thread just passed 100 pages and nearly 55,000 page views. What the heck? Somebody writes waaayyy too much...

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 05, 2018, 02:32:13 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 05, 2018, 02:25:55 PM
A new milestone! Kendra pointed out that my thread just passed 100 pages and nearly 55,000 page views. What the heck? Somebody writes waaayyy too much...

Stephanie
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie: 
Your personal thread's apparent popularity is only exceeded by your kind and thoughtful personality and your wonderful and interesting posts and comments.  Your pictures ain't bad either.... ;)

Your thread is always one of my first stops when I log in.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 06, 2018, 12:14:06 AM
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.

- Helen Keller

And so, more adventures:

So many months ago that I almost forgot, I bought tickets for an evening dance cruise, and  invited my cousins. I had already spent some time with cousin K and her husband, and they were awesome, but cousin P had never actually seen me in person since we were about 11 years old. Her husband had never met me at all. We had been communicating via social media, though, and I knew that they would be as cool as K.

Last Saturday we met in downtown Tampa for dinner at a Thai restaurant. It was me, cousin K and husband J, cousin P and husband W, and @SassyCassie . Big hugs from everyone, especially P. Conversation was excellent and considering my birthday was coming up in two days, there was a beautiful card and many best wishes. After dinner we headed for the docks. The boat was to take us on a cruise of Tampa bay, with a live band playing music from the eras of everyone except Cassie - whose taste in music is wide-ranging enough we expected she'd enjoy it, too.

As it turned out, the band was very good, but their selection in music tended toward stuff that I hadn't been a big fan of even back in the day, and it hadn't aged well. Still, it had a good beat and would have been danceable except there wasn't enough room. With everyone shoulder to shoulder, the best you could do is sway, and there was way too much bumping and jostling going on, which got annoying really fast. So while the dance part of the cruise was kind of a bust, we did get to sit and have some very in-depth and meaningful conversations, and that turned out to be the best part of the entire cruise.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180906/46a76cfc31d2567272f0ba14341571af.jpg)

The boat pulled back into the slip about 11:30pm, we all said our warm goodbyes, and Cassie and I jumped into the Rocket Skate for the trip home.

Blasting down the highway, Cassie suddenly realized that we were close to an old Goth club that she used to frequent, and she rather trepidatiously asked whether I'd be interested in checking it out. I knew that it was something that had been very important to a certain time in her life, and in light of my new-found interest in broadening my horizons, I had hinted about going with her to one some day. She, on the other hand, knowing my previous rather conservative and circumscribed lifestyle, was worried that I might find it to be a little too much to handle. She described one place she went to as Goth 101, but this place was like grad school. She did ask, though, and may have been surprised at my eager agreement.

My reply to her Facebook entry about it:

Far from uncomfortable, I found it to be amazingly liberating. The world likes to paint such places as dens of freaks, but what I saw - and deeply felt - was a place where anybody could be whomever they wanted to be, and be totally accepted. That's a rare and rather precious thing in this world where people are so quick to judge others. That feeling touched my soul, and I danced as I've never danced before.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180906/ca1f20ccf3d5ad00a61cd175be443ea9.jpg)

It was true. I literally had not danced in years (if you can even call what I did back then "dancing"), and had never ever just completely cut loose and let the music enter my soul and move me. It was one of the most incredible things I've ever done, and very addictive. Consider also that we both were experiencing it as something new - for me, I'd never seen anything quite like it before; for Cassie it was first time back in years. And for both of us we were experiencing it as women; as such it was deeply meaningful, but for different reasons for each of us. When she asked me after we left what I thought of it, all I could do was ask, "When can we do it again?" We left far too early, but circumstances converged and we ended up running across an old friend of Cassie's, and going out for an early morning - as in 3am - meal. And once again, far from the stereotypical, R turned out to be a very articulate and intelligent guy. We had a great conversation, then headed home. I didn't get to bed until 5am, and it was all so worth it.

@KathyLauren uses the tagline, "Casting off dull certainty." While the events last Saturday seem to only peripherally have any connection to my transition, the attitude I had to develop to see my way through transitioning has spread out into my life as a whole. I want to do, see, feel it all. My entire life is changing far beyond just gender. After existing for 60 years I'm starting to live.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Michelle_P on September 06, 2018, 01:20:41 AM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 06, 2018, 12:14:06 AM

@KathyLauren uses the tagline, "Casting off dull certainty." While the events last Saturday seem to only peripherally have any connection to my transition, the attitude I had to develop to see my way through transitioning has spread out into my life as a whole. I want to do, see, feel it all. My entire life is changing far beyond just gender. After existing for 60 years I'm starting to live

Yes!  This is something I have seen in others of us as we complete our psychological/social transitions and settle into our new lives.  They are NEW lives, not lived by the old rules and habits we had when trying to pass as that which we were not.

Being our authentic selves is liberating, and we have the chance to seize life, not as something to be carefully planned and plotted but to be lived!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on September 06, 2018, 12:23:23 PM
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 05, 2018, 02:25:55 PM
A new milestone! Kendra pointed out that my thread just passed 100 pages and nearly 55,000 page views. What the heck? Somebody writes waaayyy too much...

Stephanie

Awww Stephanie!! Those birthday cards from you mom and sis made my eyes leak too. Wow 100 pages! I'm glad it's you doing all that writing. And no, it's not too mush. Go for 200 Steph!!

Hugs,
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on September 06, 2018, 12:46:11 PM
Quote from: Michelle_P on September 06, 2018, 01:20:41 AM
Yes!  This is something I have seen in others of us as we complete our psychological/social transitions and settle into our new lives.  They are NEW lives, not lived by the old rules and habits we had when trying to pass as that which we were not.

Being our authentic selves is liberating, and we have the chance to seize life, not as something to be carefully planned and plotted but to be lived!

Well said Michelle!. For me, It's going to take a while to overcome the fear and be comfortable and confident. And overcoming the fear, I will and have enjoyed. It truly is liberating.

I glad you had such a wonderful night out with your cousin's and SassyCassy Stephanie! Lots more to come too.

Hugs,
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on September 06, 2018, 06:05:09 PM
Stephanie, I just caught up on your night out with the cousings and dancing at the goth club.  Wow, girl, you are enjoying life!  Thank you for sharing your joy with us.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 06, 2018, 12:14:06 AM
@KathyLauren uses the tagline, "Casting off dull certainty."

I am glad you found inspiration in my tag line.  It comes from a song, "Whitewater", written by Eileen McGann, an Irish-Canadian singer-songwriter.  Ostensibly about canoeing, the song is really about transition.  Not necessarily gender transition, though it fits, but more likely, originally, moving on from a broken relationship.  I love the poetry of the meaning being entirely absent from the literal words, and yet totally obvious as allegory.

I was listening to one of Eileen McGann's CDs during my weekly electro-torture sessions when this song came up.  I had tears in my eyes as I listened.  The repeated line, "Casting off dull certainty" hit me as a summation of what I was doing.  I had no idea how my transition would turn out, but I was putting the dullness of my assumed gender roll behind me and reaching for the shining hope of whatever lay ahead.

QuoteWhitewater by Eileen McGann

Whitewater's calling, the river's sweet refrain
Sings a chorus to the forest as it's shaking off the rain
The night was passed in thunder but the dawn is breaking clear
Whitewater's calling, and I'm moving on from here

And I'm moving on my way, letting go the rope
Casting off dull certainty and reaching for that brightly shining hope

Camped here forever, at least that how it seems
Waiting for a clearer sign, I'm wrestling with my dreams
I thought that they would bind me but now I think I see
Whitewater's calling, may it teach me to be free

And I'm moving on my way, letting go the rope
Casting off dull certainty and reaching for that brightly shining hope

I know the current's swift here the water's running deep
I know there's many rocks ahead I've seen them in my sleep
I know that I could founder just around the bend
But I love the water's laughter so I'll see it to the end

And I'm moving on my way, letting go the rope
Casting off dull certainty and reaching for that brightly shining hope
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Rayna on September 06, 2018, 08:00:56 PM
Stephanie, I'm so glad you got to enjoy a night out, and Goth! It makes sense that they'd be so accepting. I'll keep that in mind as a possibility here.
Quote from: KathyLauren on September 06, 2018, 06:05:09 PM
I am glad you found inspiration in my tag line.  It comes from a song, "Whitewater", written by Eileen McGann, an Irish-Canadian singer-songwriter.  Ostensibly about canoeing, the song is really about transition.  Not necessarily gender transition, though it fits, but more likely, originally, moving on from a broken relationship.  I love the poetry of the meaning being entirely absent from the literal words, and yet totally obvious as allegory.

I was listening to one of Eileen McGann's CDs during my weekly electro-torture sessions when this song came up.  I had tears in my eyes as I listened.  The repeated line, "Casting off dull certainty" hit me as a summation of what I was doing.  I had no idea how my transition would turn out, but I was putting the dullness of my assumed gender roll behind me and reaching for the shining hope of whatever lay ahead.
Kathy, that's a magical song. I'll have to look up Eileen McGann. I'm not sure I'd have made the transition connection, but as you said, it's obvious once you think about it. Thanks for bringing that up.
Randy
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on September 06, 2018, 08:17:12 PM
Quote from: RandyL on September 06, 2018, 08:00:56 PMKathy, that's a magical song. I'll have to look up Eileen McGann. I'm not sure I'd have made the transition connection, but as you said, it's obvious once you think about it. Thanks for bringing that up.
Randy
The CD is called "Turn it Around".  There are several amazing songs on it.  She is quite the poet.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 08, 2018, 12:06:47 AM
Oh my gosh, what a night!

Though a few days late, tonight I attended a birthday party in my honor. While I used to go out for quiet dinners to take advantage of birthday discounts, this is the first real party I can remember being held for me since I was a kid. It was at a German restaurant, and most of the people there for me were new friends who I'd met in just the last year, and with whom I'd formed bonds as deep as any I've ever had.

There was J and her husband. J is very much into the LGBT scene in the Orlando area, and is an advocate, liaison, and enthusiastic supporter.

A and her husband are awesome! They are completely accepting, and are teaching their amazing daughters to be the same. A works with @SassyCassie, which is how I came to know her.

There was D and his incredible wife E. D was my partner in the white taildragger airplane I built, and still get to fly occasionally, though he has bought out my share in the plane. I came out to D and E about the time I finished the plane, and they have enthusiastically embraced my transition. E in particular was extremely helpful in the early days when I was learning makeup and comportment. Last time I had a long talk with her I asked what I could do to improve, and she was at a loss. Apparently I've graduated from Miss E's Finishing School.

Lastly, but most importantly, there was my wife Sue and @SassyCassie, both of whom my steady readers already know.

The party:

I'll tell most of it with pictures, but there were so many warm hugs, gifts, deeply meaningful cards - and being a German restaurant, gemütlichkeit. Through all of my birthdays, I don't think I've ever celebrated one that meant more to me.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/4caccbf4e2ba2d88149b092ee53543ea.jpg)
E, D, Me, and Dragon Lady (Sue)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/713adb649c833c7912d00070bc2932b8.jpg)
D, J, and Cassie

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/b2a76045b61f6a5a76d91aac7b78fe34.jpg)
A and P

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/1498648faf14b56b83eeeede7c972c98.jpg)
Me and my cake!

So... it looked like the party was wrapping up, when everyone at the table started pointing me toward the bandstand where the German band was playing, accordion, alpenhorn, and all. They were calling my name. I was being summoned up front along with four others. And it turned out that I had been "volunteered" to take part in a yodeling contest. When I realized that I was going to have to use my voice on the amplifiers, I started to freak out. What if it reverted to my old voice in the middle of it? I considered walking off, but I would never live that down, so I sucked it up, told myself that I'd been through worse, and reminded myself that my goal is to expand my horizons, try all kinds of new things, have fun, and really live.

Number one and two were meh; three, the young woman next to me, did a great job, and when it got to me, I just belted it out. I yodeled as I'd never yodeled before. I'm not sure what that means, considering I'd never yodeled before, but my voice didn't fail me, I hit all the notes, and I wrapped it up with a joyful WOOOOO HOOOOO!! The crowd loved it! I don't know what number five did, but it sure wasn't yodeling.

And so they took a vote. The musician held his hand over each our heads and used their "applause measuring machine" to judge the crowd's reaction. Number three got a great reaction, so I figured I was out. But when he came to me the crowd went wild. OMG!

As it turned out, their "machine" was a joke, and they declared us all winners and gave us each a celebratory shot of schnapps. I was repeatedly told, though, that I'd knocked it out of the park. All I know was that after I got over my fear and let it flow, I had a gleefully fun time.

Here's the thing that completely blew me away. Nobody looked sideways at me. To the entire restaurant I was just another ciswoman having fun celebrating her birthday with friends.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/e4d94bea78b3ddeda0f9f37be34e51f6.jpg)
Taking the vote.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/fc4fa68b7a93f4707ed787cfd8f1848d.jpg)
Toasting ourselves with schnapps.

The last thing we did before the party broke up was get a picture with all the attending beautiful ladies.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/d87c43602d2ec6585c188596b5b09075.jpg)

I am so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. I will remember this night forever.

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Jayne01 on September 08, 2018, 01:28:54 AM
Wow! What a wonderful night Stephanie. Happy birthday, congratulations on being the yodelling queen [emoji2] and so happy for you for having such memorable evening.

The cake looked delightful. Did you share or keep it all for yourself? I would probably be reluctant to share such a tasty looking cake. [emoji23]

Hugs,
Jayne
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on September 08, 2018, 07:40:45 AM
What a wonderful birthday party Stephanie! I'm so glad you got to spend it with close friend. Everyone looks lovely. I would of chickened out on the yodeling contest. I can't yodel. I know. I've tried. I sounded more like whaling than yodeling if that's even possible.

Lots of birthday hugs Stephanie.
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Faith on September 08, 2018, 08:32:01 AM
Steph, congrats on a wonderful celebration night. I know don't I reply much but I am keeping tabs on the goings-on.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on September 08, 2018, 02:25:22 PM
What a great birthday celebration, Stephanie!  You have some wonderful friends to help you celebrate.  It is obvious from the photos that you were all having a good time!  And an extra "Yay" (or "squeee", if you prefer) for the vocal pass in the yodelling competition!
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Stevi on September 08, 2018, 10:39:07 PM
Stephanie,

I see you stretched your birthday celebration out and had good time of it in the process. Love the pictures.

Hugs
Stevi
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 09, 2018, 10:43:36 PM
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes. My apologies if I miss anyone, and thank you so much to...

@Jayne01
@Donica
@Faith
@KathyLauren
@Stevi
@michelle
@RandyL
@Alaskan Danielle
@LizK
@davina61
@Anne Blake
@Jessica
And especially @SassyCassie

...for the birthday wishes!

I have never had so many friends send good vibes my way before. Life is so much better today than it was a year ago!

I'll leave you with my favorite picture from my party. I think I've found a new avatar pic...

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180910/7b6452e332f8b7c1cd216bd873f249af.jpg)

Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: steph2.0 on September 09, 2018, 11:31:26 PM
Life is a joyful whirlwind lately. It's been another full weekend.

Saturday morning we flew to breakfast again. Another couple from our field flew alongside, and we met D and E, whose plane I'd built and who we'd just seen the night before at my birthday party, at the airport restaurant. An old flying friend lives on the airport where the restaurant is, and I had a completely normal conversation with him about the plane we'd borrowed. People are pretty cool.

Today @sassycassie and I went on another longish bike ride. But first we stopped at a Bob Evans for breakfast, and were unerringly called ladies by our waitress and the cashier. We bantered with both, and were known simply as the women we are.

The last ride I'd tried I'd barely made it six miles. The heat was just too much for me. It wasn't much cooler today, but I managed to keep it together and we made about 13 miles today.

At the turnaround point we stopped at a gas station for some Gatorade. While we cooled off and quaffed our beverages, a news truck from one of the Orlando TV stations parked in front of us. The driver said, "Hello ladies, you're doing what I wish I was" (I assume he meant bike riding, not transitioning), and went in to get a snack. When he came out we asked if he could take our picture. He said, "Sure thing, girls!" Considering he was driving a news truck, I told him I assumed he knew how to use a camera, and I handed over my phone. He took one vertically, then came in for a close-up, saying, "Now let's get one of those pretty faces." One more wide shot with both our bikes, and he was on his way with our thanks.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180910/c6bb553002fa55a4c89bf2c4b1d432c2.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180910/c9c96b3d34f91742915b81a15e535d04.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180910/05f729b5b030253a26e36a7bc1d85093.jpg)

You might recall that two rides ago I was misgendered by the cashier in the Panera Bread we'd had lunch at. Today, just as sweaty and grungy, we had lunch at a Crispers, and I was ma'amed with no problems. Squeee!

The whole day was perfect, and when I finally got home and showered, I decided to fulfill a dream I've always had. I had always wanted, after a hot day and a cool shower, to lounge the rest of the evening in a pretty sundress. I dug out a pareo sundress that I've owned for about 20 years and tried it on. For the first time since I've owned it, I showed a waist and a hint of hips, and actually had something of my own to fill the top with. As I stir fried dinner, I kept stealing glances of my reflection in the kitchen window, hardly believing it was me I was seeing.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180910/5fe12cfdc92af706a0643220e72af74c.jpg)

I also realized that riding with only a sports bra on, I'd gotten a bra tan. Squeee! It looked a little silly with the sundress, but what could I do?

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180910/299b728c8b17a30b3f817e423a1fabe6.jpg)

So now I'm typing this up in bed. I just couldn't go to sleep until I shared my awesome weekend with my dear friends here. Thank you for walking with me on my journey.


Stephanie
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Donica on September 10, 2018, 07:46:53 AM
Lovely pictures Stephanie! Oh yes! Isn't it wonderful to have our own things to fill our clothes :D. I love your new avatar! I hope the week and next weekend goes just as well.

Hugs,
Donica.
Title: Re: The Stephanie Chronicles
Post by: Laurie on September 19, 2018, 11:43:52 PM
 :police:

This topic has been split new topic is Re: The Stephanie Chronicles 2.0 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=246283.msg2173503#msg2173503)

Laurie
Global Moderator