Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've made a few posts about this and that, and recently deleted them, I have been a bit down and doubted myself, I don't want to go into it because I'm feeling more confident now.

I've decided to start this post to document my transition and RLE, in short I started HRT proper about 4 months ago, loving the changes although I want them to go quicker.

I made the decision to be Nicole full time by the 1st of July, we'll I actually haven't presented male for about 3 to 4 weeks, I can't remember when it last was. I feel so much happier going out as the real me.

I am struggling with my weight at the moment, I have put a few pounds on in the last few weeks which has depressed me, I very much view it as a backwards step in my transition, but I'm determined to get back on my diet and loose the last bit I need to.

Went out last night with my family to a Christmas in July event at a good friends house and were joined by two other families, I went as Nicole of course and it felt so good to finally be me. In case anyone was wondering it's boiling hot here in Australia at Christmas time so it isn't the same, so a few of use get together and enjoy a turkey roast with all the trimmings in the depths of winter, no presents, just a good meal with friends [emoji846].

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my endocrinologist, I'm hoping my levels are all ok, It's always a worry, with my last increase she was hoping I'd be in normal female range, fingers crossed.

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 07, 2018, 07:16:38 PM
I've made a few posts about this and that, and recently deleted them, I have been a bit down and doubted myself, I don't want to go into it because I'm feeling more confident now.

I've decided to start this post to document my transition and RLE, in short I started HRT proper about 4 months ago, loving the changes although I want them to go quicker.

I made the decision to be Nicole full time by the 1st of July, we'll I actually haven't presented male for about 3 to 4 weeks, I can't remember when it last was. I feel so much happier going out as the real me.

I am struggling with my weight at the moment, I have put a few pounds on in the last few weeks which has depressed me, I very much view it as a backwards step in my transition, but I'm determined to get back on my diet and loose the last bit I need to.

Went out last night with my family to a Christmas in July event at a good friends house and were joined by two other families, I went as Nicole of course and it felt so good to finally be me. In case anyone was wondering it's boiling hot here in Australia at Christmas time so it isn't the same, so a few of use get together and enjoy a turkey roast with all the trimmings in the depths of winter, no presents, just a good meal with friends [emoji846].

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my endocrinologist, I'm hoping my levels are all ok, It's always a worry, with my last increase she was hoping I'd be in normal female range, fingers crossed.

Good day sweet be happy be well be yourself you do have friends xxx

Sent from my SM-T800 using Tapatalk

Nicole documenting your journey and it's ups and downs is a wonderful idea.  We do tend to forget at times how far we've come. I look back on my personal journal that I started years ago and it's amazing to me to see the person I've become.  You'll do the same I'm sure. 

Christmas in July, a great idea for a party with friends and family!  I understand it doesn't get terribly cold in Australia but a roasting a turkey sounds ideal.

I do hope your levels are where you expect tomorrow at your appointment.  Interestingly mine had been good for some time but then took a dive.  It was determined to be related to the time of week I had blood drawn, so now I plan to do it on one of two days for consistency. 
Judi

I think it is a good idea to document your journey. I use my journey document for a few reasons one of which was to get things off my chest and use it as a bit of therapy. Then again I have come a long way and when I feel down I can look back and see how far I have come.

After a while my e pretty much was set and my T was suppressed so blood tests became routine. Now that I added back in T it has been a bit of a increase the dose a bit after each blood test to get in to the range I need to be in to maintain good long term bone health.

Nicole,

Sorry you were on the downside but let's put that in the rear view mirror.  Good to know you are getting headed back in the right direction.  There are speed bumps along this road.  Take them at the right speed and don't let them jar your joints.

Stevi

Hi Nicole

I think its a great idea although I am biased as I started my own thread at the early part of my transition. I also began taking selfies on a daily basis...let that go to weekly now as daily is too much. I sit in the same spot and take the same shot. It has been a lot of fun and I hope you enjoy it.

I can never get that enthusiastic about those Xmass in July things either. They seem to be reasonably popular here in Adelaide....It is usually hot has haides here for Xmass.

Good luck with the diet hope you can get back to where you want to be. Hope your appointment with the endo goes well...

Take care

Liz

Hi Nicole,

So glad you started your own thread to document your progress. You will find that it helps to get things off your chest whether they be happy highs or sad lows. It will also help many others who follow your journey. I have bookmarked this thread and will be following along.

Turkey dinner sounds good. You are right about Christmas being hot in this land of ours. My wife and I will hopefully be going to Canada this year to spend Christmas with her family. It will be my first winter Christmas. I am looking forward to it very much.

Hope your endo appointment goes well tomorrow. It takes a little while to figure out the right dose for each of us. The other thing to note when having your blood test is to do it at about the same time of day and prior to taking your HRT for that day. That way the tests will reflect the lowest levels during the day and be consistent with previous tests for comparison.

Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

Hugs,
Jayne

I also wrote a journal right here and recorded things as they happened. I found it helped me organize my thoughts and realize that progress has been made. Its easy to focus on the problem of the day and forget about how far you have actually come.

@JudiBlueEyes
@Stevi
@Jayne01
@Rachel
@ElizabethK
@cliffyman1953
@krobinson103

Thank you all for your lovely words of encouragement, i'll try my best to keep my thread updated, i do unfortunately suffer from self doubt and tend to go quiet so i'll apologise up-front but i'm determined to keep positive.

Christmas was good, I made a lemon cheesecake and mince pies, my pastry wasn't as good as I wanted but they still tasted yummy and disappeared quickly. The kitchen is my domain at home, I love to cook for the family. We have a Lemon tree in the garden which I planted about 10 years ago it is now in full fruit and we struggle to use them up, there are only so many you can give away, I'm currently making Lemon marmalade, I made a batch last week and only have 1 jar left after giving some away to friends, anyone who has lemon ideas please feel free to pass them on, I have also frozen a couple of pints of lemon juice in cubes, that should last a few months.

The last two times I had my blood tests I took my morning dose at 7am before going on my morning walk and then went up to have the test at in the next suburb, about 10 minutes away, so probably about 90 minutes after my tablets, so i'm hoping for that consistency will help.

Thank you all for following my journey.

Hugs
Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 07, 2018, 07:16:38 PM
I feel so much happier going out as the real me.

Congratulations on these happy changes in  your life.

I know the mantra, no images, it didn't happen.

Lemon Marmalade second batch.

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/Marmalade.jpg)

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 07, 2018, 11:56:42 PM
I know the mantra, no images, it didn't happen.

Lemon Marmalade second batch.

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/Marmalade.jpg)

I don't know that I have ever had lemon marmalade. That looks pretty good. We also have a lemon tree in our back yard that gets loaded full of lemons, way more than we know what to do with. I'm not very good in the kitchen. If the marmalade is easy to make, would you mind sharing the instructions with me?

Hugs,
Jayne

One of my favorite web sites has three items on Marmalade and the following are the links. I am not likely to try try them because so far Marmalade has a bitter taste to me that isn't very good. My taster is a bit wacko so don't judge the product my preferences.

https://www.evilmadscientist.com/2018/lemon-ginger-marmalade/
https://www.evilmadscientist.com/2015/orange-spice-marmalade/
http://www.evilmadscientist.com/article.php/marmalade

Quote from: Jayne01 on July 08, 2018, 06:23:50 AM
If the marmalade is easy to make, would you mind sharing the instructions with me?

Hi Jayne, I used the recipe in the link below, mine is a bit darker although the pictures have made them look darker still but it's still nice, also it took longer to get to the setting point than 20 minutes for me, it was about 40 minutes.

https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1898654/lemon-marmalade (https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1898654/lemon-marmalade)

I saw my Endo this morning, a lovely lady who I really feel comfortable with and trust.

My levels were still too low after my last dose increase we were hoping to get my E levels up above 400 pmol/l, they are still down around 300, so i'm a little disappointed about that, my T was non-existent, so I have cut back my anti-androgen. I am to continue on the current dose of E until my next visit in October, then I am having a pellet implanted. Finger's crossed, I hope that gets me where I need to be. I can't complain too much, I already feel much better than I did before HRT.

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 08, 2018, 11:41:36 PM
I saw my Endo this morning, a lovely lady who I really feel comfortable with and trust.

My levels were still too low after my last dose increase we were hoping to get my E levels up above 400 pmol/l, they are still down around 300, so i'm a little disappointed about that, my T was non-existent, so I have cut back my anti-androgen. I am to continue on the current dose of E until my next visit in October, then I am having a pellet implanted. Finger's crossed, I hope that gets me where I need to be. I can't complain too much, I already feel much better than I did before HRT.

Nicole

Hi Nicole,

Thank you for the marmalade recipe. Our tree does not have many lemons ready for picking right now, but I will hang on to the recipe for when the tree gets full again. Also, thank you Dena for your weblinks too.

It's really good you are comfortable with and trust your endo. Don't worry too much about your E levels. What's important is the way you feel. If you are feeling good, then the levels are right for you. I personally love having a pellet implant. I just got my second implant last week, the first one was in January. Not having to take daily meds for E had a really positive psychological effect on me. There is something inside me producing E 24/7. That's as close as I can hope to ever have my very own biological E factory. The implant also significantly increased my levels which, for me, feels amazing. I hope you also have the same positive response I have had with the implant.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 08, 2018, 11:41:36 PM
I saw my Endo this morning, a lovely lady who I really feel comfortable with and trust.

My levels were still too low after my last dose increase we were hoping to get my E levels up above 400 pmol/l, they are still down around 300, so i'm a little disappointed about that, my T was non-existent, so I have cut back my anti-androgen. I am to continue on the current dose of E until my next visit in October, then I am having a pellet implanted. Finger's crossed, I hope that gets me where I need to be. I can't complain too much, I already feel much better than I did before HRT.

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:  Sometimes it takes a little adjusting and changing your HRT regimine to keep things going in the right direction.  Your Endo seems to be on top of things as she looks at your blood test results to figure out what to do.   
I was told by my Endo that it is sometimes like shooting at a moving target... and as your body adjusts to the changes sometimes the meds have to be adjusted...  all of what you reported sounds normal to me.

Good luck on getting your HRT dialed in.
As always all of your followers and readers will be looking for your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.

Hugs and Well Wishes,
Danielle

Dena,

Thank you for the recipe links, I'll give one or two of those a try this weekend and let you know how it goes [emoji846]

Nicole

Had a good day today, I have lost a kilo this week which has given me more confidence to go shopping for clothes. I went shopping with my wife this morning and bought two nice tops, a pair of leggings, some new nail varnish in two new colours, I'll try them out later.

I have a therapy session on Monday morning, I'm going to ask for a reference for my gender change form, then hopefully if I get that I'll book an appointment to submit my name and gender change request.

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 14, 2018, 03:00:24 AM
Had a good day today, I have lost a kilo this week which has given me more confidence to go shopping for clothes. I went shopping with my wife this morning and bought two nice tops, a pair of leggings, some new nail varnish in two new colours, I'll try them out later.

I have a therapy session on Monday morning, I'm going to ask for a reference for my gender change form, then hopefully if I get that I'll book an appointment to submit my name and gender change request.

Congratulations Nicole, on the weight loss and the confidence gained to go clothes shopping, and even better that you could share that experience with your wife.

Very exciting you are planning to start taking steps towards your name change on Monday. Please keep us updated with how you go.

Hugs,
Jayne

Hi Nicole

Good on you 1 kg is a good solid effort.

What a nice way to spend some time with your wife. Hope you both enjoyed the shopping outing  ;)  I have unfortunately had to place myself on a temporary shopping ban  :( (long story) while I chase my own weight loss

Hope your therapist session goes well and you get the reference you are looking for. 

Hi Jayne and Liz, thanks for your encouragement, I can't wait to change my name, I'm so tired of getting mail in my legal dead name, going to the doctors and and having to use it, prescriptions with the wrong name, blood test forms with the wrong gender marker, etc etc.

I'm feeling motivated at the moment to loose weight, I have had a bad patch over the last few months where I have put weight on, due to my own problems. I have a conference to attend and give a training lecture in Sydney in late September and I really want to be about 10kg lighter, it's a big ask but I've done that before but I know it will be very hard. I will be presenting as myself of course and really want to look my best. I haven't yet started on my voice because electrolysis is costing me an arm and a leg at the moment but think I should do so soon.

Message me when you are in Sydney. We can meet for a coffee or something.

Hugs,
Jayne

Nicole,

I am pleased to read that you got out on a shopping trip for yourself.  I am especially pleased to learn that your wife was along with you.

The name and gender change.  I hope it goes smoothly and painlessly so you have nothing to tell us other than "It's done!"  But do keep us informed.  I suspect there will be tales to tell.

Hugs to you and your wife,
Stevi

Quote from: Jayne01 on July 14, 2018, 06:10:36 AM
Message me when you are in Sydney. We can meet for a coffee or something.

Hugs,
Jayne

I would love to meet up for a coffee, I'm in Sydney for three days but have a full schedule so it might be tricky but I'm sure I can find an hour somewhere. I'll pm nearer the time.

Hugs

Nicole

Hi Nicole

The weightloss has always been a hard one for me. Even at my fittest when I was in the army I did not lose the weight off my stomach. This was all prior to HRT so I am not sure if once the weight is lost whether it will go back on in the same places or not...I guess I will find out.

Getting misnamed gets old pretty fast especially when you are well on your way...you said something about making an appointment to change your name...sounds like  South Australia, that's where I am from. Who knows we could already have met if you are from SA  :D


Enjoy Sydney, I love to visit and even lived there for a couple of years but I have to say I prefer sleepy old Adelaide to hustle and bustle of Sydney.

Take care

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 14, 2018, 05:20:47 PM


Getting misnamed gets old pretty fast especially when you are well on your way...you said something about making an appointment to change your name...sounds like  South Australia, that's where I am from. Who knows we could already have met if you are from SA  :D

You are correct Liz, I'm a South Aussie, well originally from the UK, but love Adelaide it's our home now and my three daughters have grown up here, my youngest was born here.

Sydney is a lovely place, my sister lives in Melbourne which is also nice, but like you say sleepy old Adelaide has its plus side with a more relaxed lifestyle.

Nicole

Hi Nicole,

I'm so happy that you're living as your true self full time.  I'm still only part time.  I haven't yet come out to anyone, so when I leave the house I still present as male.  But when I'm home I'm Danielle all the way.  I look forward to the day that I too can live as my authentic self full time too.

Big hugs!!!


Danielle

Thanks Danielle,

I reached a point where it was harder to man-up than present as myself, I started a lot earlier than I planned, I initially thought I'd like to be myself full time after at least a year on HRT but in the end with my wife's support it just felt right to do it sooner.

I wish you every success In taking that step when the time is right for you, I know how hard it is swapping back and forth. For me it was scary the first few times but nowhere near as bad as I had imagined, others on this forum have said similar.

Hugs

Nicole

Had my appointment with my therapist this morning, all good, and YAY! I have my medical practitioners letter required for gender change, I'm so excited, I filled in the forms weeks ago, now I just have to get my policeman friend to witness my documents and book an appointment to submit my forms for name and gender change.

I'll keep updating as and when things happen or don't

Nicole

Wooohoooo! Great news Nicole! Yes, please keep us updated on your progress.

Hugs,
Jayne

I'm not sure what to do, I told my immediate boss about my transition about November 2017, she was ok and has no issue with it, but advised we hold off telling the CEO (her boss) until the moment was right. I was ok with that because I knew he may have difficulty accepting my status.

My boss told me on Monday that she has told the CEO, he was shocked and as she put it he was coming around to accepting it, but don't expect to ever be invited to a meeting as he could not handle it. I work from home so I probably bump into him about once per year when I'm in the main office. My immediate thought was I'll wait until he is next in the office and just go in, I don't feel I need to hide away or avoid anyone, but at the same time being confrontational will get me nowhere with him and won't help my cause.

I'm wondering about writing an email to him explaining what I have been through and my reasons for transitioning in the hope it will educate him on transgender issues, or do I just wait and allow time for him to come to his own acceptance?

Nicole

Am I correct in thinking that your boss told the CEO behind your back? That wasn't her news to tell. The cat is out of the bag now. My suggestion would be to email or speak face to face with your CEO so that he gets your story first hand from you. Maybe do this sooner rather than later because as it stands now, the news lacked the personal touch that it would have had if the news came directly from you. People will react differently when this news comes from the person directly or via a third party.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 17, 2018, 01:48:10 AM
I'm not sure what to do, I told my immediate boss about my transition about November 2017, she was ok and has no issue with it, but advised we hold off telling the CEO (her boss) until the moment was right. I was ok with that because I knew he may have difficulty accepting my status.

My boss told me on Monday that she has told the CEO, he was shocked and as she put it he was coming around to accepting it, but don't expect to ever be invited to a meeting as he could not handle it. I work from home so I probably bump into him about once per year when I'm in the main office. My immediate thought was I'll wait until he is next in the office and just go in, I don't feel I need to hide away or avoid anyone, but at the same time being confrontational will get me nowhere with him and won't help my cause.

I'm wondering about writing an email to him explaining what I have been through and my reasons for transitioning in the hope it will educate him on transgender issues, or do I just wait and allow time for him to come to his own acceptance?

Nicole

Its now a more difficult situation as you have been "dis invited" to a business meeting based on your gender. That, if it does in fact actually happen, could be grounds for action under anti discrimination laws. They cannot legally do what they are threatening and I wouldn't mind betting they have crossed the line somewhere already by making their intention known. They can hardly call it a performance issue now can they. I would now be keeping meticulous notes about any meetings or interactions you have with in the company. If you do indeed have a CEO with issues you need your records to defend yourself in case of an unlawful dismissal or something equally as unpleasant.


Do you think, you explaining to him will be any more likely to end in his acceptance? If you do then it sounds like an email is a  worthwhile exercise if not then it could end up potentially making things worse. A lot depends on whether he is a reasonable person or not.

I hope it works out for you

Liz

Quote from: Jayne01 on July 17, 2018, 02:22:14 AM
Am I correct in thinking that your boss told the CEO behind your back? That wasn't her news to tell. The cat is out of the bag now.

Hi Jayne,

I wouldn't say she did it behind my back but I wasn't aware that she was going to tell him now, I had planned to tell him myself when my name change became official.

Yes the cat is out the bag now, I feel cut out of the loop and yes the personal touch has been bypassed which is why I felt so down about his reaction.

Thanks for your response

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 17, 2018, 03:47:57 AM
Hi Jayne,

I wouldn't say she did it behind my back but I wasn't aware that she was going to tell him now, I had planned to tell him myself when my name change became official.

Yes the cat is out the bag now, I feel cut out of the loop and yes the personal touch has been bypassed which is why I felt so down about his reaction.

Thanks for your response

Nicole

This is your life, Nicole. You need to get yourself back in the loop and take back control. I'm not sure what is the best way to go about it.

Hugs,
Jayne

Nicole, I just read through your original post again. If you are being excluded from meetings because the CEO "can't handle" you being trans, then that has to be against the law. As Liz suggested, it could be in your best interest to start keeping accurate records of what is taking place. Hopefully it will all just blow over with no harm done but if it escalated into an anti discrimination case, at least you will have evidence to support your case. I agree with you that being confrontational won't help you. Taking the approach of telling your own story with the view of educating rather than being confrontational may be the best option for a good long term outcome.

Jayne

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 17, 2018, 03:15:50 AM

Do you think, you explaining to him will be any more likely to end in his acceptance? If you do then it sounds like an email is a  worthwhile exercise if not then it could end up potentially making things worse. A lot depends on whether he is a reasonable person or not.

Hi Liz,

I think the CEO has reacted as I would have expected, he is actually a good person but probably has had very little, or no prior interaction with anyone transgender before, and is probably not sure how to react, I think after some reflection he will probably be ok.
I'm not saying he is outright transphobic but probably has ill informed views, and negative preconceptions of the community. I'm certainly not justifying or making excuses for him, I find it deeply upsetting, but knowing him I think he will be accepting at some point. He knows me pretty well, he hired me and when I first started worked directly for him in the next door office, I'm sure his reaction was one of shock as in his mind he probably still sees the man I used to be. I do think I should have the opportunity to have my say, but not sure now whether I'm going to make it worse or better, I'll have to think on it but like you say I don't want to delay too much.

Thanks for your advice

Nicole

Hi Nicole,

I don't know who your psych is in Adelaide (you can PM me if you wish) but this is a situation were they can help.
It is important or can be important to deal with these situations quickly before they get a life of their own.

I spoke to my immediate boss, she clarified things a little more, she said the CEO didn't have a negative reaction as in transphobic, but was very shocked since he has known me a number of years. She did not think that it was worth me sending an email to him as it wasn't something that was on his radar, he was shocked, made sure I can still do my job ok (well duh!) and has moved on satisfied, that is all he was really bothered about. I'll bump in to him at some point later this year and make time to have a chat, I'm picking my battles these days.

Had a pretty good week off from work and spent some quality time with the kids, who thankfully are all totally accepting of me, the only issue we have which is understandable that Dad and him or his naturally go together in a sentence, they try to call me Nicole but old habits die hard, I love them so they are automatically forgiven for using the wrong pronouns, time will hopefully make the issue go away.

I spoke to my sister on Thursday, she is a few years older than me, she is the first person I came out to and have been disappointed that she has never really accepted me as a woman, she says she is ok but her actions say otherwise, our conversations are polite and we ask about each other's family's but she has no interest in my transition and never asks. I'm quite upset about it, I would love to have close sisterly relationship but it's not to be.

I tried out my new nail polish [emoji3]

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/NailsJuly2018.jpg)

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 20, 2018, 07:18:33 PM
......Had a pretty good week off from work and spent some quality time with the kids, who thankfully are all totally accepting of me, the only issue we have which is understandable that Dad and him or his naturally go together in a sentence, they try to call me Nicole but old habits die hard, I love them so they are automatically forgiven for using the wrong pronouns, time will hopefully make the issue go away.

I spoke to my sister on Thursday, she is a few years older than me, she is the first person I came out to and have been disappointed that she has never really accepted me as a woman, she says she is ok but her actions say otherwise, our conversations are polite and we ask about each other's family's but she has no interest in my transition and never asks. I'm quite upset about it, I would love to have close sisterly relationship but it's not to be.

I tried out my new nail polish [emoji3]



Nicole

It took awhile for my kids to get it right (they are older) and even now they slip up but extremely rarely and I always have told them to correct themselves and just move on I do not expect an apology for a mistake in language. It hard at the start when my presentation was changing. But like all families we worked it out.

I hear you on the sister front. Unfortunately I have experienced similar treatment at the hands of family members. They never say anything negative but they also like yours never ask anything possibly related to your transition. Mine made it really clear  via my brother that they "did not want to know the details"...yes that is what they said.  When you speak to them it can be hard to find personal topics that are not impacted by your transition. I hope you can find some common ground to try and establish a better relationship. Nice nails

Take care

Liz

I'm struggling at the moment, contrary to how I may appear I am generally a glass-half-full person, I try to see the positive side of things. I'm incredibly happy that I am transitioning and when I go out as myself I feel just right.

I do however have days like yesterday and to some extent today where I struggle to keep my emotions under wraps, I feel really stupid saying this but some things just trigger a deep sadness, like a loss, I regret not experiencing womanhood from an early age, I have lost so much, I know it's irrational and should just get over it and be happy I am now becoming the person I want to be but I can't stop myself. I've tried to think positive, and hate myself for feeling down, does anyone else feel like this? How do you go about putting it behind you, do you find anything helps?

I have only recently started feeling strongly like this and I think it started when I went to see my new therapist who wants me to explore my feelings from childhood. I buried them a long time ago, yes I look back now and see how unhappy it made me but honestly at the time I just thought that was life and lived it, I can't understand why it's now become a problem, like I said I feel foolish admitting this but if anyone can relate it may help.

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 22, 2018, 04:30:36 AM
I'm struggling at the moment, contrary to how I may appear I am generally a glass-half-full person, I try to see the positive side of things. I'm incredibly happy that I am transitioning and when I go out as myself I feel just right.

I do however have days like yesterday and to some extent today where I struggle to keep my emotions under wraps, I feel really stupid saying this but some things just trigger a deep sadness, like a loss, I regret not experiencing womanhood from an early age, I have lost so much, I know it's irrational and should just get over it and be happy I am now becoming the person I want to be but I can't stop myself. I've tried to think positive, and hate myself for feeling down, does anyone else feel like this? How do you go about putting it behind you, do you find anything helps?

I have only recently started feeling strongly like this and I think it started when I went to see my new therapist who wants me to explore my feelings from childhood. I buried them a long time ago, yes I look back now and see how unhappy it made me but honestly at the time I just thought that was life and lived it, I can't understand why it's now become a problem, like I said I feel foolish admitting this but if anyone can relate it may help.

Nicole

Hi Nicole

I think that you are experiencing what many of us do and that is, that horrible realisation of what you missed out on all the years you were forced to live your lie. That understanding that even though your transition can be tough at times it is nothing like the horror stories you always imagined leads to, the realisation that you are never going to have the experiences that so many cis girls have. I can remember feeling sick when the sadness of knowing that the more I accept myself as a woman the more I realise how far apart my life experience is from cis women. Which in turn leads toi further self doubt.


For me when I began to accept who I was and began to look at my life from that context, many things made sense to me.  My sense of loss only got worse as I realised what I could never experience many of these things which started other internal battles for my female self. I think it takes time to sort these things out for ourselves and do our own mourning. Having a sense of loss about these things is perfectly healthy as long as you can move forward. I try and keep it in perspective, things could be much worse..i could still be trying to be "him"


Hope that helps

Liz

Hi Liz,

Thank you for your reply it helps to know I'm not the only one who feels this way, I'm determined not to let it get out of hand, like you said it's a horrible realisation and not being him anymore is comforting and something I can look at positively.

Thank you and hugs

Nicole

I attended my interview for name and gender change, I submitted my documents which they checked over and confirmed I would receive new certificates confirming my new name and gender in 2-3 weeks. The process has so far been ok, for those girls and guys from South Australia thinking of doing the same.

I can't wait to get the certificates, then the joy of changing my name everywhere begins, I'm flying to Sydney in September and don't want to be booking in my dead name.

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 24, 2018, 12:39:30 AM
I attended my interview for name and gender change, I submitted my documents which they checked over and confirmed I would receive new certificates confirming my new name and gender in 2-3 weeks. The process has so far been ok, for those girls and guys from South Australia thinking of doing the same.

I can't wait to get the certificates, then the joy of changing my name everywhere begins, I'm flying to Sydney in September and don't want to be booking in my dead name.

Nicole

@Nicole70
  Dear Nicole:
Thanks for your update... For me getting my name and gender change was almost a one year long endeavor, just when I thought that I have everything thing changed I would get a snail mail or email in my old name... you got to keep after it, and finally you will have it taken care of.
Getting documents, letters and even your bills in the correct name and gendered correctly is very affirming for sure. 
Good luck to you as you take care of these important matters in your transition wellness.
Looking for more updates from you.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Great to hear the interview went well...mine lasted about 2 minutes...As soon as she saw my Kiwi passport it was over. LOL The process after this is such a pain in the butt. It is more time consuming than anything...I did mine about 18 months ago and I am still finding my old name in places, still get the occasional mail addressed to the old guy who used to live here. Once I had my Medicare, drivers License and my Change of name Cert from NZ (very simple process) everything got a whole lot simpler. As soon as everything was changed with Medicare then all my medical stuff was changed so no more mis naming at the Drs. They can't bill if they don't have the correct name details which is why they are so keen to have it right after changing it with Medicare.

Congrats its major milestone and I found a certain amount of pleasure in actually making the change.

Take care


Liz

Dear Liz and Danielle,

Thank you for your replies, I'm going to be checking the post expectantly in a couple of weeks, I can't wait to get rid of my dead name on documents and letters.

@Alaskan Danielle , thank you for your kind words earlier today on another post, I haven't been myself for last few days, you helped to bring me out of myself.

I think I was also getting worried about the name change interview, I always worry about these sorts of things, have I got all the documents correct, will I be late etc. The interview went well, I got back into the car and burst into tears, I think it was just relief and I was happy.

I have read through the mindfulness post today and I'm looking forward to moving on with my transition positively, I am back on my diet and I'm aiming to reach my goal weight by Christmas, Liz you are inspiring me.

Lots of hugs to you both,

Nicole

I found out my cousin and Aunty from the UK are coming over for a visit in November, I had not yet told them about my transitioning.

I decided it was time, I had been delaying because of various family related issues. I composed an email which was fairly short but said enough to explain my history and current status. I got replies really quickly, all lovely and supportive, I feel so blessed.

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 26, 2018, 05:43:00 AM
I found out my cousin and Aunty from the UK are coming over for a visit in November, I had not yet told them about my transitioning.

I decided it was time, I had been delaying because of various family related issues. I composed an email which was fairly short but said enough to explain my history and current status. I got replies really quickly, all lovely and supportive, I feel so blessed.

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
This is really good news... and in fact many of the recent postings of your have been positive as well, I am very happy for you.  Yes, indeed, you have a right to feel so blessed.  It is certainly a wonderful feeling to receive for you those fast, lovely and supportive replies.  I trust that when your cousin and Auntie come to visit that it will be an enjoyable time for all.
Wishing you well as you continue working out all the family issues related to your transition goals.

Thank you for your updates.
Hugs,
Danielle

OMG!

I received my name and gender change certificate in the post today, what a week! It started off pretty low,  but has ended on a real high! So happy [emoji3][emoji3][emoji3]

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/namechangesmall.jpg)

Congratulations, would say we should party but I cant afford the trip over there, so have a drink on me ^^

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 26, 2018, 11:22:21 PM
OMG!

I received my name and gender change certificate in the post today, what a week! It started off pretty low,  but has ended on a real high! So happy [emoji3][emoji3][emoji3]

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/namechangesmall.jpg)

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:  This is great news...  This is very affirming for sure....
Thank you for sharing your happy moment with all of your followers.
Hugs,
Danielle

***NOTE:  I would think that you might make a few copies of it for your files....
...
...

Quote from: Amaki on July 26, 2018, 11:28:40 PM
Congratulations, would say we should party but I cant afford the trip over there, so have a drink on me ^^

Amaki,

Thank you for your congratulations, yes it's a bit far for a party and also cold this time of year, I'd like to say I'll have a few drinks tonight but alcohol makes me feel very ill. Maybe just a small one [emoji16].

Hugs

Nicole

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 26, 2018, 11:43:30 PM
@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:  This is great news...  This is very affirming for sure....
Thank you for sharing your happy moment with all of your followers.
Hugs,
Danielle

***NOTE:  I would think that you might make a few copies of it for your files....
...
...

Dear Danielle,

Thank you for your support, yes it has made me a happy girl this afternoon!

I'm actually sat in the Medicare offices now attempting to get my Medicare name and gender changed, take a ticket and wait over there for a while scenario ☹️, they were quoting an hour.

I'll definitely have to make a few copies of that document, I feel like framing it right now.

Thank you for following,

Hugs

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 26, 2018, 11:22:21 PM
OMG!

I received my name and gender change certificate in the post today, what a week! It started off pretty low,  but has ended on a real high! So happy [emoji3][emoji3][emoji3]

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/namechangesmall.jpg)

Hi Nicole

Brilliant!!!.... this is a huge milestone for you.

You now are able to change the documentation you need to start the process of no longer being misnamed nor hopefully misgendered any longer.

I am sure by now the job is done with Medicare as I found them one of the easier to get along with..Centrelink should also now be taken care of as they are in the same computer screen almost....from there you have enough points to get your license changed YAhoo...from this point forward you old name can officially be in the past.


Enjoy making the changes you need and don't forget to remind them about gender markers!!


Take care


Liz

Thanks Liz,

Still sitting waiting, I'll let you know how it goes later zzz

It will be fine Nicole...they will be nice and friendly and be able to sort it all out for you....think positive  ;D

It was actually very easy and quick, well the wait was an hour and a half, but once I got to see someone it only took a couple of minutes, I now have my temporary card [emoji3][emoji3].

I got a bit concerned because when I first went in the lady on reception asked if I had my doctors letter also, I said no because you can't get the certificate without a doctors letter so why do I need another, anyway she was mistaken.

Driver's license next week and the bank, then all the rest I guess. It begins...

Nicole

Hello again Nicole

I recall we corresponded a couple of months ago on your HRT thread.

I am so glad things are progressing so well and that you now have three things to celebrate - support from your cousin and aunty here in UK, your Name and Gender Change Certificate and the Medicare change.

I wish you continued happiness and success on your journey.

Hugs

Pamela

Quote from: Nicole70 on July 27, 2018, 02:00:05 AM
It was actually very easy and quick, well the wait was an hour and a half, but once I got to see someone it only took a couple of minutes, I now have my temporary card [emoji3][emoji3].

I got a bit concerned because when I first went in the lady on reception asked if I had my doctors letter also, I said no because you can't get the certificate without a doctors letter so why do I need another, anyway she was mistaken.

Driver's license next week and the bank, then all the rest I guess. It begins...

Nicole

The Dr's letter is for the gender marker change. Some places are fine with changing it when you do your name and some will be pedantic idiots and refuse to change the gender marker with out it. It's all gatekeeper rubbish but I will admit I bit the bullet and got that letter. I had no issues having any of my details changed apart from Driver license where they were reluctant to change my gender marker...they did in the end but I could tell the woman doing it was not happy.

Glad it all worked out for you

Take care

Liz

Update on HRT affects

I noticed that my hips are getting wider, I looked in the mirror and I can definitely see more curves, I know I put a little weight on recently and my clothes didn't seem tighter, I think it has gone to my legs, rear, and chest.

My boobs are growing, seemingly pointier, also my areolas appear to be getting bigger and smoother. I'm really happy about all these changes [emoji16].

Update on Name change

I have been on the phone on hold a lot this week, so far all okay, varying levels of proof required from as little as what's your new name and title, to please fill out these forms, include certified copies of xyz and mail them in and everything in between.

I have changed the important things from Medicare, healthcare, drivers license, bank, credit card etc, bills, as others have said just when you can't think of more to change then post arrives from somewhere you completely forgot about.

Things have been generally good, I saw my therapist earlier in the week who said it was ok to have down days thinking about what I have missed, it's actually healthy, so long as it doesn't continue too long, it was only a couple of days 10 days ago so I think I'm fine.

My wife bought me a lovely scarf and a handbag trinket with my name on it today, it made me really happy.

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/handbag.jpg)

Nicole

Progressing nicely hun [emoji846].

I had a little fun wrapping my head around the wider hips/thighs = good thing, but it looks good don't it! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

@Niclole70
Dear Nicole: 
That was a wonderful update with all kinds of good news that you reported.  I am glad that you are starting to get out of your "down" times now.... things are looking up for sure.

... and the lovely scarf and a personalized handbag trinket with your name on it that your wife bought for you....  what a wonderful and accepting thing for her to do.... you are very fortunate to be sure.

Thanks for keeping us all updated.
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Megan. on August 02, 2018, 12:42:14 AM
Progressing nicely hun [emoji846].

I had a little fun wrapping my head around the wider hips/thighs = good thing, but it looks good don't it! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Thank you Megan ,

I was quite surprised to suddenly see a change in that area, yes is definitely looks good, or more feminine which to me equals good, I need to watch my weight though because I don't want to blow out in that area.

Nicole

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on August 02, 2018, 12:44:12 AM
@Niclole70
Dear Nicole: 
That was a wonderful update with all kinds of good news that you reported.  I am glad that you are starting to get out of your "down" times now.... things are looking up for sure.

... and the lovely scarf and a personalized handbag trinket with your name on it that your wife bought for you....  what a wonderful and accepting thing for her to do.... you are very fortunate to be sure.

Thanks for keeping us all updated.
Hugs,
Danielle

Danielle,

Thank you for your encouragement, yes I am feeling much better at the moment, my mood changes have surprised me somewhat but they are much better than being in a dark place as I was in my past life as a man, at least now when I'm down a touch I still feel happy about being myself.

I'm soo grateful that I have the love and support of my wife, my transition has been very hard on her, and we are by no means out of the woods yet, she has been my rock, and I would hate to loose her through this process.

Thank you for following my progress.

Hugs

Nicole

Forgot to mention this the other day, I bumped into my old neighbour who moved out about 18 months ago when I was still overweight and full man mode, we had been neighbours for over 10 years and knew each other well.
I was in the supermarket, turned around and she was stood directly behind me; I naturally smiled and said hello and asked how she was going, she smiled back and said hi but I could tell she didn't recognise me, I asked her and she said sorry no I have no idea, she stood back took a good hard look and still didn't know, when I told her she was amazed and gave me a big hug, and told me I looked good.
It made me very happy that I had changed that much, I realise she probably didn't recognise me because I was in a different context woman instead of man but still it felt good.

Nicole

Hi Nicole,

WOW!!! So much has happened in my absence. Firstly, congratulations on getting your name changed legally. What an incredible milestone for you. Also congratulations on telling your Aunty and cousin and receiving a positive response. It should make their visit in November a little more special knowing you have their support. It seems like your CEO is not as bothered by your transition as initially thought. That is a relief to remove some unnecessary extra stress from your work environment.

I'm sorry you are not getting full acceptance from your sister. I hope that with some more time she will adapt to the new you and express more interest in your transition.

The feelings of loss you describe from your younger years are common. I experience the very same thing and at times can be overwhelming reducing me to tears. It is a genuine loss that requires a mourning process like any other major loss in life. It is healthy and important to not bottle up these feelings. Let them out, have a good cry if you need to, then you can look to the future (which you can control) and move on. What helps me get past these moments of feeling loss is knowing that having experienced that loss has made me who I am today, which is someone I have learned to really like. It also gives me the ability to appreciate what I do have so much more. You have a healthy, positive outlook in your life, so I am sure you will be perfectly fine managing these feelings of loss in your own way.

So happy for all the wonderful progress you have made recently.

Hugs,
Jayne

PS: don't forget to look me up during your visit to Sydney next month.

Dear Jayne,

Thank you for following my progress, looking back it has been an eventful few weeks, I'm glad I'm actually documenting my progress now, things slip by so quickly.

I am glad things at work seem to be settled for now, and on my sister front I have prepared a letter to her that I will be sending at some point today I think, I have detailed my feelings and tried to apologise for any wrong doings on my part in the past, and have asked for her acceptance, I hope it is taken in the conciliatory way it is meant to be. If she can't accept me as her sister I guess we will drift apart.

Glad to have you back home, I'll definitely try to look you up in Sydney.

Hugs

Nicole

Hair growth update

I just replied to another thread by Stephanie about Finasteride and it prompted me to take a photo of my hair, I have posted one photo from March and another from today to show the progress for those that are interested in hair growth.

I started taking finasteride low dose in October 2017, then at the beginning of February 2018 I started using minoxidil on my head, the first photo is from the end of March 2018 and the second photo is from today August 2018.

I use a generic version of the better known compound sold to help regain hair growth, the generic version has identical ingredients and strength but is 1/3 of the price.

End of March 2018
(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/hairmarch.jpg)


August 6th 2018
(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/hairaugust.jpg)

Nicole

Nicole,

Thanks for the encouragement.  Some years ago, I tried the generic version of minoxidil but I did not see any improvement.  My wife complained of the odor so I discontinued it.  I'll see if the finasteride only approach seems like it will do the trick.  If it doesn't do well, I'll see about adding the minoxidil back into the mix.

I need to get a good photo of the top of my head for a comparison for later on.

Stevi

Nicole,

I skimmed a little of your more recent posts.  I am way behind in keeping up with all my girlfriends here.

I am pleased to know that your wife is still working through it with you.  It can take a long while.  The apparent rate of change is relative to the perspective.  What seems like dead-slow to us, seems like bullet train fast to them.  It is hard at times to be patient, but you must be very patient.  Got my fingers crossed for you two.

I see you have made good progress on the name and gender change front.  Congratulations.  I need to call up Medicare and/or Social Security in the morning.  They can't seem to get themselves squared away with my gender change.  Gotta keep prodding them till they get it right.  I am still in limbo with my PA birth certificate.  Their website says it can take 15 weeks to process correction paperwork.  It seems like forever but it has not yet been 15 weeks.  I won't know even if they got the paperwork until after I don't hear from them sometime after the 15 weeks.

Last week, I was in my medical center for my routine endo visit.  I gave them Medicare and insurance cards.  They copied them but, evidently, didn't bother to actually enter the correct name into their records.  On the way out, my bill for copay was still in the old name.  Then, two days later, I called to check in with their pharmacy about my prescription and their caller ID brought up my old name.  AAARRRGGHH!  Had to get that fixed when I picked up my prescription.

Good luck to you all 'round,
Stevi

Well I sent my sister a message yesterday, I tried to be conciliatory, I won't go into any details but I tried hard to make amends with her and to ask for her acceptance of me as her sister. She hasn't responded at all, I know she has read it but complete silence from her end.

My hopeful side is telling me she is taking her time composing a response, but my logical side is telling me she is ignoring me. If she is ignoring me then I have to accept that I no longer have a sister, which is very sad. I'll let you know if I hear anything.

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 07, 2018, 01:34:35 AM
Well I sent my sister a message yesterday, I tried to be conciliatory, I won't go into any details but I tried hard to make amends with her and to ask for her acceptance of me as her sister. She hasn't responded at all, I know she has read it but complete silence from her end.

My hopeful side is telling me she is taking her time composing a response, but my logical side is telling me she is ignoring me. If she is ignoring me then I have to accept that I no longer have a sister, which is very sad. I'll let you know if I hear anything.

Nicole

Dear Nicole,

I am hoping that she is taking her time to compose a thoughtful response. Stay strong and hope for the best. I have fingers and toes crossed for a happy outcome for you. You have made a brave first step by reaching out to her.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 07, 2018, 01:34:35 AM
Well I sent my sister a message yesterday, I tried to be conciliatory, I won't go into any details but I tried hard to make amends with her and to ask for her acceptance of me as her sister. She hasn't responded at all, I know she has read it but complete silence from her end.

My hopeful side is telling me she is taking her time composing a response, but my logical side is telling me she is ignoring me. If she is ignoring me then I have to accept that I no longer have a sister, which is very sad. I'll let you know if I hear anything.

Nicole

Hi Nicole

Oh wow you and you sister...me and my brother....what the heck. What are we going to do with them? The hard part is that horrible waiting for a response...imagining the best that might happen, the worst that might happen. I think the being made to wait indefinitely is very cruel and designed to extract maximum discomfort. I like your idea that she is considering her response to you carefully.

I hope you get a reply from her that opens the door, even if its just a fraction, for you to start a new relationship.

Take care
Liz

Update from this week

I haven't heard anything from my sister, so I guess that is that, It's not good for my mental health to think too much about it, I'm having to accept this is a price for living life true to myself, and be happy with those that love and accept me.

HRT progress, I'm coming up to 5 months, and had 2 months RLE, everything is stable, boobs still hurt and taking shape nicely. Struggling to diet, although I am currently succeeding. I can see some facial changes but they are subtle, what surprised me was when I looked at a recent photo of myself on my phone it showed me a timeline of selfies below and you could really see changes.

My electrologist has been away so I had a laser session a couple of weeks ago, and it had a really positive outcome the darker hairs have mostly disappeared leaving my complexion much clearer. I'm going to go back again in a couple of weeks to hopefully clear up the dark hairs that are left

Received my new drivers license with correct name, bank cards, Medicare and health fund card, I only have one card with my dead name on it and that is my credit card, I sent off the paperwork to HSBC but they seem to move at a snails pace.

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 14, 2018, 06:49:20 PM
Update from this week

I haven't heard anything from my sister, so I guess that is that, It's not good for my mental health to think too much about it, I'm having to accept this is a price for living life true to myself, and be happy with those that love and accept me.

HRT progress, I'm coming up to 5 months, and had 2 months RLE, everything is stable, boobs still hurt and taking shape nicely. Struggling to diet, although I am currently succeeding. I can see some facial changes but they are subtle, what surprised me was when I looked at a recent photo of myself on my phone it showed me a timeline of selfies below and you could really see changes.

My electrologist has been away so I had a laser session a couple of weeks ago, and it had a really positive outcome the darker hairs have mostly disappeared leaving my complexion much clearer. I'm going to go back again in a couple of weeks to hopefully clear up the dark hairs that are left

Received my new drivers license with correct name, bank cards, Medicare and health fund card, I only have one card with my dead name on it and that is my credit card, I sent off the paperwork to HSBC but they seem to move at a snails pace.

@Nicole70
I take it that not hearing from your sister may mean that she is not accepting your transition announcement??   Rest assured there are many of us here that are experiencing the same thing with family members that do not accept us.

Good news regarding your HRT 5 month report....  boobs hurting, consider that good news, something is happening, no pain... no gain.   Also good news about your hair situation...  and next session get rid of those dark hairs.

Oh, and the name and gender changes... very exciting for sure.   Just when you think that you have done all the name and gender changes, rest assured there will be more that pop up...
Some government agencies and private companies do these things quite quickly, but others takes more time and followup on your part....   all of this is very affirming for sure and it is a good feeling to see your new name and gender of the paperwork.

Thank you for sharing your good reports with all of us.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 14, 2018, 06:49:20 PM
Update from this week

I haven't heard anything from my sister, so I guess that is that, It's not good for my mental health to think too much about it, I'm having to accept this is a price for living life true to myself, and be happy with those that love and accept me.

HRT progress, I'm coming up to 5 months, and had 2 months RLE, everything is stable, boobs still hurt and taking shape nicely. Struggling to diet, although I am currently succeeding. I can see some facial changes but they are subtle, what surprised me was when I looked at a recent photo of myself on my phone it showed me a timeline of selfies below and you could really see changes.

My electrologist has been away so I had a laser session a couple of weeks ago, and it had a really positive outcome the darker hairs have mostly disappeared leaving my complexion much clearer. I'm going to go back again in a couple of weeks to hopefully clear up the dark hairs that are left

Received my new drivers license with correct name, bank cards, Medicare and health fund card, I only have one card with my dead name on it and that is my credit card, I sent off the paperwork to HSBC but they seem to move at a snails pace.

Hi Nicole,

Sorry about your sister. You are right about not thinking too much about it. Do what is right for you. I hope for you that she can someday change her views and start accepting you.

2 months RLE already?? Wow, time goes quick! HRT changes are slow and subtle. I still look in the mirror wondering what has changed. I don't know, but comparing to a pre HRT photo of me, I do see differences. Glad the HRT is working well for you.

Way to go on all the name changes on your documents. You have most of the main ones out of the way and you will take care of the remainder as the opportunity arises.

Thanks for your update.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on August 14, 2018, 07:48:59 PM
@Nicole70
I take it that not hearing from your sister may mean that she is not accepting your transition announcement??   Rest assured there are many of us here that are experiencing the same thing with family members that do not accept us.

Hi Danielle,

Thanks for your encouragement, things with my sister are a little more complicated but essentially I think she is not accepting of my transitioning. She has said in the past that she has no issue but she is acting very differently, essentially she has stopped communicating so I don't know exactly what she is thinking.

I've just heard my dad has cancer, I'm devastated, not sure what the prognosis is yet as he was just told over the phone, and will see the doctor for more information as soon as he gets an appointment. I used to harbour a lot of resentment towards him because of some stuff we went through growing up but dealt with that in therapy in the last few years and our relationship has improved no end, also his acceptance of me as a woman took me by surprise and I am forever grateful for that.

Hi Nicole

I so sorry you got such horrible news. If this changes things for you for tomorrow then feel free to take a raincheck.

I am glad to hear you have re-established you relationship which can be an incredibly difficult thing to do.


Chat soon

Liz

Hi Nicole,

I'm so sorry for the bad news your father has received. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 15, 2018, 03:10:58 AM
I've just heard my dad has cancer, I'm devastated, not sure what the prognosis is yet as he was just told over the phone, and will see the doctor for more information as soon as he gets an appointment. I used to harbour a lot of resentment towards him because of some stuff we went through growing up but dealt with that in therapy in the last few years and our relationship has improved no end, also his acceptance of me as a woman took me by surprise and I am forever grateful for that.

@Nicole70 
Dear Nicole:  With all of the ups and downs in our lives, we are never prepared for the preliminary bad news such as you reported. 
Once you all meet with his doctor then you will have a better idea of what the situation is.  Some cancers, if caught early can be quite curable, so don't jump to any conclusions until the doctor appointment ....  the hard part now is WAITING... it can be torture as you mind spins all around the possibilities.   

Hang in there and be as patient and calm as you can be, particularly when around him and other family members.

Thank you for sharing this bit of personal news.... we are all rooting for him and for you.
Please keep us posted as you feel so led.

Hugs and hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Nicole

I am sorry to hear of your sad news and appreciate this must be a worrying time.

My prayers are with you and your dad.

Pamela  xx

Dear  Nicole,
I just read this and I understand from both sides what this can be like. Be strong for your Dad. Cancer, as they say, is a word and not a sentence and while the treatments can be pretty devastating the recovery rates are good.

If you wish to talk to me privately about this feel free to do so.

Cindy

Thank you all for your support, sorry for the delay in replying, my Tapatalk seems to have stopped updating me, I thought it was a bit quiet today.

I went to see my dad this afternoon he is understandably shaken a bit and my mum is worried sick, he has an appointment with the doctor on Wednesday so we'll find out more then.

I saw my GP today for a script and took the opportunity to speak to him about it, I still don't know much but he explained a few things.

Despite all this going on I'm feeling better in myself at the moment, I'm working on and feeling more positive about my transition, I'll update more over the weekend.

Hugs and thank you again, you girls are a real lifeline xx

Nicole

Hi Nicole

I am just catching up on my posting s today so I just came across this from the other day. I hope things are still going Okay for your Dad. I am sure there will be a comprehensive treatment plan for him. I hope you are doing Ok and we get to catch up soon.

Take care

Liz

Hooray Nichole! I hope you feel better each day being YOU!!!

@LizK
@Zoe_Kay

Thank you for your support and following my thread, I'll post an update later, I have had a busy weekend and haven't had chance to put something together

Hugs

Nicole

I've had a pretty busy week, at work and at home, but nothing too exiting. The weather is improving, so I've had to do some jobs around the garden.

I have had a good diet week, haven't cheated at all, I have no idea if I've lost anything but my clothes feel better, I am trying to stay off the scales and go as long and hard as I can and hope I get a nice surprise when I do. I've been neglecting my morning walks, I still don't have any female exercise clothes, I still wear my old man t-shirts and shorts. Last week I put them on before my walk, saw myself in the mirror and saw a man, that set me off on a massive dysphoric downer and had to cut the walk short, I can't face putting them back on, oh well shopping trip coming up [emoji16].

I'm maintaining a really positive mood at the moment, and feeling a lot stronger, I think that has a lot to do with presenting as myself full time. My boobs have changed a little more, my hair is still growing and getting thicker but frizzier, I've tried lots of conditioner but it doesn't seem to be helping, my hair is definitely getting drier.

I have zero sex drive at the moment, there is nothing going on down there, which is fine by me, using it brings on dysphoria, but worries me sick that my wife is missing out, it's one of those things we are going to have to work through, I don't want it there, and hopefully want be for too long.

My dad went to see the specialist, he has an operation scheduled soon to hopefully remove the cancer, let's hope it does the trick, and it hasn't already spread to other parts.

I heard off my sister! She denied having received my communication from a couple of weeks back, and says she had replied to other messages I had sent, which I did not receive, I'm having trouble believing that to be the case. We had a frank discussion and I think we have a truce for now, time will tell.

My wife received a promotion, she works in childcare this has added to her workload and I can tell she is stressing at the moment so it's time for me to pay back the support she has given me through my transition. She also mentioned recently that she has reached another level of acceptance, so I'm feeling much better about that. We have our twentieth wedding anniversary in few weeks, last year was a complete disaster, having not long dropped the gender bomb she was in no mood to celebrate. This year I checked and we are ok ❤️.

I got my new credit card, with correct name, however the online account showed my old middle name still and I had to phone up to get that changed, they said it would be changed straight away, however it took 4 days, better late than never.

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Thanks for updating and sharing with all of us regarding your recent life endeavors.

Good news on your diet... it surely is a great feeling to have your clothes fit better without struggling to button up anything.  Keep up the good work... it takes determination and willpower for sure.
And... a shopping trip coming up for new girl clothes!!!  Very Exciting!!

That is good news about your dad that his cancer surgery is scheduled soon and especially good news that the cancer has not spread.  We are keeping you and your dad in our thoughts and prayers.  Please continue to keep us updated.

Sorry to hear about your sister... as I have stated frequently on here, basically  because of my own bad experiences, our own family can be the most difficult gauntlet to overcome and to gain acceptance of our transition.  Hang in there and be persistent and kind all at the same time.

Certainly the good news about your wife's promotion and also about her increased acceptance of your transition is very nice to hear.

Oh, and your new credit card with almost your entire correct name...  it is a big job sometimes to get all the name changes done ....   It took me almost a year to get everything changed... and occassionally I still find something else with my "old" name on it that requires my attention.... it is a work in progress for sure.

Thanks again for your mostly good news update.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Nicole,

Congratulations on the upcoming anniversary.  Continue to help each other over the rough spots.

Ah, the fight to get the name change broadcast to all the right places.  I, too, had an instance of a half changed name.  Then yesterday, after having given copies of my documents to my primary care physicians office, I got a call from a specialist's office that my primary care physician ordered a prostate exam from for me.  They asked for me using that old name.  I just let it be for the time being.  I'll have to out myself again when I show up for the appointment.  I think I'll show up in the most feminine thing I own, pink panties and all, and lift my skirt when the time comes to bend over.  :icon_twisted:  I don't know if the old name will ever be eradicated.

Keep up the fight,
Stevi

Hi Nicole,

Ah yes, the garden...spring is almost here and the garden will need more attention. I have been quite happy to leave the lawn mower tucked away in the garage over winter, but I'm afraid in the next few weeks I will have to start using it again. I hope you are a better gardener than I am. I have a talent for killing anything I try to grow.

Happy to hear you are doing well with your diet. Keep up the good work. And did I hear shopping mentioned? [emoji3][emoji3][emoji3]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding anniversary. My wife and I celebrate 17 years married in a few weeks.

My thoughts and wishes are with you, your dad and your family. I hope his surgery goes well and there has not been any spread of the cancer. Pleas keep us updated.

It's good that you and your sister have reached a truce. That is a starting point to hopefully continue repairing your relationship. Try to remain positive.

Congratulations to your wife for her promotion. And reaching another level of acceptance is fantastic news for both of you.

Keep up all the good work and the positive attitude. I am enjoying following your journey.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 23, 2018, 07:30:18 AM
I've had a pretty busy week, at work and at home, but nothing too exiting. The weather is improving, so I've had to do some jobs around the garden.

I have had a good diet week, haven't cheated at all, I have no idea if I've lost anything but my clothes feel better, I am trying to stay off the scales and go as long and hard as I can and hope I get a nice surprise when I do. I've been neglecting my morning walks, I still don't have any female exercise clothes, I still wear my old man t-shirts and shorts. Last week I put them on before my walk, saw myself in the mirror and saw a man, that set me off on a massive dysphoric downer and had to cut the walk short, I can't face putting them back on, oh well shopping trip coming up [emoji16].

I'm maintaining a really positive mood at the moment, and feeling a lot stronger, I think that has a lot to do with presenting as myself full time. My boobs have changed a little more, my hair is still growing and getting thicker but frizzier, I've tried lots of conditioner but it doesn't seem to be helping, my hair is definitely getting drier.

I have zero sex drive at the moment, there is nothing going on down there, which is fine by me, using it brings on dysphoria, but worries me sick that my wife is missing out, it's one of those things we are going to have to work through, I don't want it there, and hopefully want be for too long.

My dad went to see the specialist, he has an operation scheduled soon to hopefully remove the cancer, let's hope it does the trick, and it hasn't already spread to other parts.

I heard off my sister! She denied having received my communication from a couple of weeks back, and says she had replied to other messages I had sent, which I did not receive, I'm having trouble believing that to be the case. We had a frank discussion and I think we have a truce for now, time will tell.

My wife received a promotion, she works in childcare this has added to her workload and I can tell she is stressing at the moment so it's time for me to pay back the support she has given me through my transition. She also mentioned recently that she has reached another level of acceptance, so I'm feeling much better about that. We have our twentieth wedding anniversary in few weeks, last year was a complete disaster, having not long dropped the gender bomb she was in no mood to celebrate. This year I checked and we are ok ❤️.

I got my new credit card, with correct name, however the online account showed my old middle name still and I had to phone up to get that changed, they said it would be changed straight away, however it took 4 days, better late than never.

Nicole

@Jayne01
@Stevi
@Alaskan Danielle

Thank you all for words of encouragement, I am indeed looking forward to doing a bit of shopping tomorrow [emoji877][emoji877][emoji3]. Then back into the garden, Jayne I enjoy a bit of gardening, I do have a veggie patch, and fruit trees but my garden is no show garden, we live on a hillside and the gradient is limiting as to what you can do with it, coupled with the extremes of Adelaide - it's blistering hot and dry in the summer although that dry heat is much nicer that humidity, but the plants have to be pretty drought proof so they dry up and go brown in the summer, then in the winter it's very wet so they go all lush and green, the next month or so is the prettiest when the flowers come out before getting burnt back.

I'll take some photos over the weekend if I get chance, maybe one with me in it sweating for Danielle's collection [emoji6].

My daughter is having a birthday get together with friends on Saturday night, it's not her birthday until next week though.

Stevi, sorry to here about your continuing issues with name changes at the doctors etc, I don't think people realise just how important it is, I hope you get it sorted out soon.

Nicole

Omg! Omg! I just got ma'amd [emoji3][emoji3]

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 24, 2018, 08:19:45 PM
Omg! Omg! I just got ma'amd [emoji3][emoji3]

Congrats!!!

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 24, 2018, 08:19:45 PM
Omg! Omg! I just got ma'amd [emoji3][emoji3]

Woooohooooo! Congratulations Nicole! It's a wonderful feeling isn't it! It is only a new experience for me too. I wish you many more ma'am's to come.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 24, 2018, 08:19:45 PM
Omg! Omg! I just got ma'amd [emoji3][emoji3]

:icon_dance: :icon_geekdance: :icon_dance: :icon_geekdance: :icon_caffine:

Thank you girls!

I had such a good morning, went shopping bought some new walkware (picture below), tried some perfumes, sun is out today oh roll on summer!

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/walkware.jpg)

☀️[emoji16]☀️

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 24, 2018, 10:50:41 PM
Thank you girls!

I had such a good morning, went shopping bought some new walkware (picture below), tried some perfumes, sun is out today oh roll on summer!

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/walkware.jpg)

[emoji295]️[emoji16][emoji295]️

Nicole

Hi cliffy here very nice sweet

Sent from my SM-T800 using Tapatalk

Ok so another great pic to add to the workout album that I think @Alaskan Danielle  is compiling...the next one has to be after you have walked 5ks LOL its kind of like a "before and after" thread only with pics of totally exhausted sweaty "attractive" people. :D

Hi Nicole,

I'm very happy you had such a good morning. You are looking fantastic. Your landscaping looks interesting. I've always liked sloped blocks of land, they have so many interesting ways of being landscaped. We have a smallish back yard on flat ground. Not a lot we can do to give it character.

I am looking forward to catching up with you when you are in my part of the world next month.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 24, 2018, 10:50:41 PM
Thank you girls!

I had such a good morning, went shopping bought some new walkware (picture below), tried some perfumes, sun is out today oh roll on summer!

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/walkware.jpg)

☀️[emoji16]☀️

Nicole

Quote from: Jayne01 on August 25, 2018, 04:03:15 AM

I am looking forward to catching up with you when you are in my part of the world next month.

Hugs,
Jayne

uh oh Look out, Shopping Frenzy!!!

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Wow-whee.... you look absolutely beautiful in your newest picture and walking shoes.   That big smile on your face says it all!!! 
You are looking quite trim and fit... keep up the good work.

Thank you so much for your update...  more to come I hope!
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Quote from: Nicole70 on August 24, 2018, 10:50:41 PM
Thank you girls!

I had such a good morning, went shopping bought some new walkware (picture below), tried some perfumes, sun is out today oh roll on summer!

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/walkware.jpg)

☀️[emoji16]☀️

Nicole

I don't have much news to report but it's been about 10 days since my last post so I'm feeling the need to journal my progress.

I'm still a month away from having my Estrodiol implant and looking forward to the hormone boost that will hopefully give me, my boobs don't hurt as much at the moment, I'm not sure if that is because I'm getting used to it or because nothing is happening, although I noticed this morning in the shower when I lifted my arm the they still stuck out and seemed more pointy.

I took my youngest to the Adelaide show on Monday, it was a nice day but a chilly wind, we went of the Ferris wheel and ended up sharing the cage with a man and his daughter, just as we were getting off the girl was about to rush out when her father said let the lady off first, well that just made my day right there [emoji16].

I'm getting really quite concerned about my voice so I'm considering starting voice training very soon. I have had two calls recently, one where I had booked a restaurant, and another about picking up my script and both times they have asked some questions then asked me to ask Nicole to call them back to confirm, I then had to explain that they were talking to Nicole ☹️.

Weight loss is a real struggle at the moment it's very slow and I haven't yet lost the weight I have put on since March, it's getting me down a bit and that doesn't help with the eating, I'm still trying though.

Nicole

Hi Nicole,

How exciting to be getting your implant next month. My own personal experience has been fantastic! The implant gives a higher and more consistently stable release of hormones, and it is working 24/7. The other effect I found is psychological. Knowing I have something inside me producing the correct hormones has given me a real mental boost. Its the closest thing to ovaries I will ever have, and once its in, I don't have to worry about it for months! My first implant lasted 6 months, my current one is expected to last about 9 months. We will see. I knew when my last implant was wearing off because I felt different. I hope you have as good results as I have had so far.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE for the correct gendering on the ferris wheel. It is such an awesome feeling!!!

I know what you mean about voice. My voice is currently at the top of the list of things that make me dysphoric.

Keep plodding along with achieving your weight loss goal. It takes so much longer to take the weight off than it does to put it on. Resist temptations to eat unhealthily and avoid those in-between meal snacks. They are the worst. Cutting back on my snacking alone has helped me lose a little weight. Now if only I could discipline myself to exercise more. You look really good in the photo you posted of yourself in your garden last week.

Thanks for the update. I always look forward to catching up on your thread.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 04, 2018, 09:36:12 PM
I don't have much news to report but it's been about 10 days since my last post so I'm feeling the need to journal my progress.

I'm still a month away from having my Estrodiol implant and looking forward to the hormone boost that will hopefully give me, my boobs don't hurt as much at the moment, I'm not sure if that is because I'm getting used to it or because nothing is happening, although I noticed this morning in the shower when I lifted my arm the they still stuck out and seemed more pointy.

I took my youngest to the Adelaide show on Monday, it was a nice day but a chilly wind, we went of the Ferris wheel and ended up sharing the cage with a man and his daughter, just as we were getting off the girl was about to rush out when her father said let the lady off first, well that just made my day right there [emoji16].

I'm getting really quite concerned about my voice so I'm considering starting voice training very soon. I have had two calls recently, one where I had booked a restaurant, and another about picking up my script and both times they have asked some questions then asked me to ask Nicole to call them back to confirm, I then had to explain that they were talking to Nicole ☹️.

Weight loss is a real struggle at the moment it's very slow and I haven't yet lost the weight I have put on since March, it's getting me down a bit and that doesn't help with the eating, I'm still trying though.

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Very exciting to read your recent update postings.

I fully understand your feelings regarding your planned voice training and I sincerely hope that you can get that going soon....  and also your continued progress as you try to get a handle on your weight loss issues.   

All of this requires your fierce determination and dogged willpower...  we are your biggest fans and we are all rooting for you.  Getting gendered correctly at this point in your transition is a wonderful feeling for you.....  getting mis-gendered can certainly be disappointing, but it can be a learning moment also as you continue to refine your voice and appearance in line with your transition journey...  keep working on all of this and please keep us updated as you feel so led.

Hugs and wishing you well as always,
Danielle

Hey Nicole! :)

Quotejust as we were getting off the girl was about to rush out when her father said let the lady off first, well that just made my day right there

Haha that's really cool :) glad for you :)

QuoteI'm getting really quite concerned about my voice so I'm considering starting voice training very soon. I have had two calls recently, one where I had booked a restaurant, and another about picking up my script and both times they have asked some questions then asked me to ask Nicole to call them back to confirm, I then had to explain that they were talking to Nicole ☹️.

And I decide to start from voice just because it's free and there isn't much of what I can do right now. I didn't make big progress though and sometimes I just feel it impossible, but then I listen others and keep trying :D I wish to hear your progress in this :)

QuoteWeight loss is a real struggle at the moment it's very slow and I haven't yet lost the weight I have put on since March, it's getting me down a bit and that doesn't help with the eating, I'm still trying though.

Yeah struggling with this too. It helps I tired of most unhealthy food like fastfood or chips or sugar or etc, but there's still a lot of tempting stuff I have to resist :D Good luck to both of us lol.

Hi Nicole

You are more than welcome to join Liz's Walking club...if you join then we have two members ....you and me.  ;D                                                                                                       Seriously though you are welcome to join me LOL

Don't you love it when things like the Ferris wheel happen...such a simple thing but sooo affirming

Good luck witht he voice...I gave up and am having surgery in Febrruary to lift my pitch. I will still have some work to do on prisosity(sp?) and a few other things but at a minimum the pitch will be right.

Take care
Liz

Hi All sorry for my very slow response to your postings, I have been just so busy this week it's crazy, last night I had Electrolysis, then got home and straight into a conference call, then when that finished at about 8:30 my dad called, by the time I had a cup of tea it was bed time.

@LizK

Thanks for your offer to join you for a walk, I think I may take you up on that offer when it gets a bit warmer and lighter in the mornings, not sure what time you go but I have to be back home by 7:45 to pack lunches and get my youngest off to school.

I'm really interested to see how your voice surgery turns out i'm considering it myself.

@Alice V

I have made a call to book myself in for voice training, left a message, hopefully I will get an appointment soon, will let you know how it goes. Snacks are my worst enemy I try hard to stay away from them, I have good and bad days.

@Alaskan Danielle

Thank you for your continued support, I'm trying hard on my exercise routine at the moment, I played Squash on Wednesday evening which was good as we haven't been able to get together for the last couple of months, I did wear my new girl-wear to squash and it felt so much better than man-shorts and tee-shirt.

@Jayne01

Yes, I am really looking forward to having my artificial ovary implanted in October, like you said it's that peace of mind knowing that it's there 24/7.

Looking forward to catching up in 3 weeks

Hugs to all,

Nicole

It is my 20th wedding anniversary today, I'm just so glad that my wife is still with me, it has been a tough time for her since I dropped the gender bomb. We are doing much better and things seem to going in the right direction.

I have made an appointment for a first consult with GCS surgeon Dr Ives in Melbourne for 17 December, surgery is probably more than a year off but making this first step feels like things are moving along.

I've managed to loose 1 kg this week so the weight is finally going in the right direction, I now have an incentive to loose as much as I can before December.

I had another good moment yesterday while shopping the assistant referred to me as lady, I can't see it in myself and I think she was just being kind, even so it felt really good.

Hey Nicole, happy anniversary to you and your wife. 20 years together creates a lot of history and deep connection between two people. In many cases that connection extends beyond gender. Congratulations for reaching this great milestone. I wish you a great many more joyous years together.

I am so happy to hear that you are both doing better after coming out to your wife. My wife has also had a very tough time but things are moving along really well for both of us now. We are also celebrating our wedding anniversary two weeks from Sunday. It will be our 17th anniversary.

You must be very excited about your GCS appointment in December. I am already following Liz's journey. I will also be following your GCS journey closely and ask you some questions along the way.

Well done on the weight loss. Keep up the good work. And congrats on being gendered correctly. It feels great, doesn't it?

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 12, 2018, 06:35:50 AM
It is my 20th wedding anniversary today, I'm just so glad that my wife is still with me, it has been a tough time for her since I dropped the gender bomb. We are doing much better and things seem to going in the right direction.

I have made an appointment for a first consult with GCS surgeon Dr Ives in Melbourne for 17 December, surgery is probably more than a year off but making this first step feels like things are moving along.

I've managed to loose 1 kg this week so the weight is finally going in the right direction, I now have an incentive to loose as much as I can before December.

I had another good moment yesterday while shopping the assistant referred to me as lady, I can't see it in myself and I think she was just being kind, even so it felt really good.

I'm not sure what to do, you could probably tell from my post yesterday that I was struggling to write something positive.

Yesterday was our anniversary and was better than last year which quite frankly could not have gone any worse, last year my wife didn't even get me a card, and didn't acknowledge it, and it was a thoroughly miserable day. I had brought up the subject of this years anniversary and what we are doing a while back and my wife had indicated that it was ok and it would be like a normal anniversary. I did not want to have a repeat of last year I know we have made a lot of progress but I wasn't sure if she was really ready to celebrate again.

I totally understand that our anniversary is a very difficult time for her, it's a reminder of a marriage to her man that no longer exists, she must be feeling very conflicted, we are still together after all these years but I'm sure it's now not exactly what she imagined it would be like, not really what she signed up for.

This year I got a card and a present, which on the surface sounds great but the card was was a generic which she just wrote happy anniversary in, normally there would have been words along with that expressing feelings. The present was probably picked up at the till as an afterthought, it has really no relevance to it at all. We didn't go out for a meal to celebrate because she 'wasn't bothered'.

I'm just feeling so sad, I don't want to make a big thing over it, I haven't said anything to her about. I get it, she's saying she acknowledges the day now, which I guess is massive progress but she isn't in a place where she is happy about it.

I don't know if things are going to improve, is she staying with me because it's convenient, I'm sure she loves me but is she still in love with me. I don't want to exist in some one-sided marriage of convenience, I don't know if I should say anything I suspect I'm reading too much into it, it's the middle of the night (I can't sleep thinking about it) and I'm probably emotional because I'd hoped we would be in a better place this year.

Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest, I need a female BFF to talk to but haven't got one, so you are my BFFs.

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole: 
I am so sorry to hear the details of your lackluster and disappointing 20 wedding anniversary.   You are right about the fact that in some ways that you are not the person that she fell in love with and married.  I would imagine that she certainly finds it difficult to cope with the fact that she is now married to the woman that you are becoming... 
You don't have to read too many other threads on here to see the problems that MTFs and FTMs have with their spouses accepting their new personal relationships with the one that they married. 

You can not control how she feels about all of this but you can continue to be supportive, kind, loving and trying as best you can to make things easier for her to accept your transition journey.

My heart goes out to you and I am wishing your well in dealing with this.   20 years of marriage is not something to be discarded without giving your best effort to make it work.

You are in my thoughts and am trusting that you can make this work for you and your wife.
Please continue to keep us updated.... and YES, writing about these kinds of issues and sharing with like-minded friends like you have here on the Forums is considered good therapy that can allow you to mentally process all of this and hopefully find positive solutions.

Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Nicole,

I am sorry your anniversary lacked the lustre that 20 years of marriage represents. The timing is perhaps a little unfortunate for a milestone anniversary. You are still in the early stages of becoming Nicole and this is still quite new for your wife. Maybe next year, in your 21st anniversary, she will be in an even better place to celebrate. There are positives to take away from this. She got you a card and a gift, which is more than last year.

From my personal experience, it is very hard to see the positives and not get sad when my wife lacks enthusiasm towards our relationship. I did my best not to get upset and show her that I still love her even when she treated me badly. Inside it was killing me and I vented out that pain to my therapist and more recently my bff. I thought it was important for my wife to understand that my love for her has not diminished because I am now a woman, I fact, my love for her has increased exponentially. Individual incidents have been hurtful to me when I viewed them in isolation. Thinking about the big picture has helped me cope. What I mean by the big picture is that my wife has not left me, she still makes living gestures, she is slowly accepting me presenting more and more as Jayne. What I am seeing is that she is growing with me, just lagging a little behind. At the beginning of this journey, she told me that if I grow breasts, she wouldn't be able to cope and it would probably end our marriage. Last week we went bra shopping together and she was giving me tips on buying bras.

Trust your history together and your love for each other. Transitioning is an extraordinarily stressful thing for a relationship. You will need more patience than seems fair to ask of you, but it will be worth it in the long term.

If you would like to talk some more, send me a PM or call or text me anytime.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 12, 2018, 12:30:47 PM
I'm not sure what to do, you could probably tell from my post yesterday that I was struggling to write something positive.

Yesterday was our anniversary and was better than last year which quite frankly could not have gone any worse, last year my wife didn't even get me a card, and didn't acknowledge it, and it was a thoroughly miserable day. I had brought up the subject of this years anniversary and what we are doing a while back and my wife had indicated that it was ok and it would be like a normal anniversary. I did not want to have a repeat of last year I know we have made a lot of progress but I wasn't sure if she was really ready to celebrate again.

I totally understand that our anniversary is a very difficult time for her, it's a reminder of a marriage to her man that no longer exists, she must be feeling very conflicted, we are still together after all these years but I'm sure it's now not exactly what she imagined it would be like, not really what she signed up for.

This year I got a card and a present, which on the surface sounds great but the card was was a generic which she just wrote happy anniversary in, normally there would have been words along with that expressing feelings. The present was probably picked up at the till as an afterthought, it has really no relevance to it at all. We didn't go out for a meal to celebrate because she 'wasn't bothered'.

I'm just feeling so sad, I don't want to make a big thing over it, I haven't said anything to her about. I get it, she's saying she acknowledges the day now, which I guess is massive progress but she isn't in a place where she is happy about it.

I don't know if things are going to improve, is she staying with me because it's convenient, I'm sure she loves me but is she still in love with me. I don't want to exist in some one-sided marriage of convenience, I don't know if I should say anything I suspect I'm reading too much into it, it's the middle of the night (I can't sleep thinking about it) and I'm probably emotional because I'd hoped we would be in a better place this year.

Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest, I need a female BFF to talk to but haven't got one, so you are my BFFs.

Nicole

Thank you all for you words of encouragement and support, we had a talk yesterday and I was probably reading too much into it, I do that a lot, my wife has been so supportive of me. We are doing ok, I get wrapped up in my own insecurities.

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 13, 2018, 05:26:57 PM
Thank you all for you words of encouragement and support, we had a talk yesterday and I was probably reading too much into it, I do that a lot, my wife has been so supportive of me. We are doing ok, I get wrapped up in my own insecurities.

Nicole

I'm glad you were able to talk things over with your wife to clear up some insecurities. Good communication is so important through these stressful times.

You are doing really well, keep up the good work Nicole.

Hugs,
Jayne

I had my first session with a voice therapist today, my normal speech range is 115Hz to 210Hz, I have some exercises I need to do to bring my range up over time, obviously my voice is mostly on the lower range at the moment, finger's crossed I can improve over time.

Things are much better between me and my wife, we went out to dinner on Friday night and had a good talk. [emoji4]

I bought a new top, and two new bras, and new perfume Chanel Chance Au Tendre, it took ages (weeks) to find something I like and did not give me a headache, the Chanel is pricey though and felt really guilty buying it.

I'm going shopping again later in the week, I need a few new clothes, the ones I'm wearing I've had for quite a while and worn them to death, nice problem to have, I also want to try on some dresses, I've not worn a dress yet and I'm quite excited about it [emoji156][emoji151][emoji164] [emoji16]

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 17, 2018, 03:14:46 AM
I had my first session with a voice therapist today, my normal speech range is 115Hz to 210Hz, I have some exercises I need to do to bring my range up over time, obviously my voice is mostly on the lower range at the moment, finger's crossed I can improve over time.

Things are much better between me and my wife, we went out to dinner on Friday night and had a good talk. [emoji4]

I bought a new top, and two new bras, and new perfume Chanel Chance Au Tendre, it took ages (weeks) to find something I like and did not give me a headache, the Chanel is pricey though and felt really guilty buying it.

I'm going shopping again later in the week, I need a few new clothes, the ones I'm wearing I've had for quite a while and worn them to death, nice problem to have, I also want to try on some dresses, I've not worn a dress yet and I'm quite excited about it [emoji156][emoji151][emoji164] [emoji16]

Glad to hear you and your wife are getting along a bit better...it must be a relief.

Hope you enjoy your little shopping spree...I have been holding off and can't wait to get amongst it again for summer. Perfume is an essential in any girls wardrobe. It took me ages to find something I really liked then they stopped making it grrrr apparently that's why you have more than one you like.... ;) Good luck with the voice stuff.....

Liz

Nicole,

Good to hear your relationship with your wife is holding together.  It is difficult at times.  It seems you and I both have our insecurities and read more into situations than is really there.  It can be bumpy at times.  Talking it out will work wonders but our insecurities stand in the way of that sometimes, too.

Blessings to you both,
Stevi

Hi Nicole,

Congrats on your first voice therapy session. I have my first session on Friday. Good luck with the practice. I hope you are able to achieve a result you are happy with without needing surgery.

I'm so happy to hear things are better with your wife.

Ooh shopping!!!!! That is so much fun! I actually bought a new dress today. There are lots of styles out there to choose from. I'm sure you will find one that you like how it looks on you.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 17, 2018, 03:14:46 AM
I had my first session with a voice therapist today, my normal speech range is 115Hz to 210Hz, I have some exercises I need to do to bring my range up over time, obviously my voice is mostly on the lower range at the moment, finger's crossed I can improve over time.

Things are much better between me and my wife, we went out to dinner on Friday night and had a good talk. [emoji4]

I bought a new top, and two new bras, and new perfume Chanel Chance Au Tendre, it took ages (weeks) to find something I like and did not give me a headache, the Chanel is pricey though and felt really guilty buying it.

I'm going shopping again later in the week, I need a few new clothes, the ones I'm wearing I've had for quite a while and worn them to death, nice problem to have, I also want to try on some dresses, I've not worn a dress yet and I'm quite excited about it [emoji156][emoji151][emoji164] [emoji16]

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Well... this is such a happy report to read on your thread.

I am so glad that you started your voice therapy, it is one, but only one, of the most important things you can do in your transition.  Your voice can instantly cause passing failure or it can affirm you new woman identity as you speak.

OH, that is such good news that you and your wife are much better and that you had a good talk... communication is so important between you two as you continue on in your HRT journey....   a spouse of a transitioner can often be the biggest gauntlet to overcome ...  for obvious reason.

Ahhhh, new clothes, new perfume.... now all you need is a box of chocolates and your good day will be complete.
.... and yes, I am certain that you will like the feeling of wearing a dress, particularly if it fits properly in all of the right places.

Thanks for keeping your thread updated.... your followers are always looking for your postings...
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quick update

I had a fantastic shopping spree yesterday, suffered from a tummy bug in the afternoon and evening but had a great morning.

I started off by getting my ears pierced, woohoo! The sales were on, and I got my tax refund back so I was ready to shop[emoji3][emoji3].
I bought two tops, two dresses, and 4 pairs of shoes, yes I've gone from one pair of female shoes to 5 in one day [emoji151][emoji151][emoji3], I found a place that had a good range of size 11 and got them while I could.

I was not misgendered the entire day which was fantastic. Apart from a not being happy about my weight which is my own fault because I lost the plot over winter I'm feeling so happy to be myself as a woman right now. Pictures as proof below

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/dress1.jpg)

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/dress2.jpg)

Nicole, that's awesome! What a great day, except for the bug in the afternoon and evening. Ears pierced, shopping spree.....you go girl!!!! And to top it all off, you were gendered correctly the e rite time. I'm so happy for you. You look very happy in the photos and I am seeing some female curves there too.

Are your ears sore at all from the piercing? I had mine done on Monday and apart from a slight burning sensation every now and then there has been no pain.

Hugs?
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 21, 2018, 10:36:36 PM
Quick update

I had a fantastic shopping spree yesterday, suffered from a tummy bug in the afternoon and evening but had a great morning.

I started off by getting my ears pierced, woohoo! The sales were on, and I got my tax refund back so I was ready to shop[emoji3][emoji3].
I bought two tops, two dresses, and 4 pairs of shoes, yes I've gone from one pair of female shoes to 5 in one day [emoji151][emoji151][emoji3], I found a place that had a good range of size 11 and got them while I could.

I was not misgendered the entire day which was fantastic. Apart from a not being happy about my weight which is my own fault because I lost the plot over winter I'm feeling so happy to be myself as a woman right now. Pictures as proof below

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/dress1.jpg)

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/dress2.jpg)

Quote from: Jayne01 on September 22, 2018, 01:07:21 AM

Are your ears sore at all from the piercing? I had mine done on Monday and apart from a slight burning sensation every now and then there has been no pain.

My ears aren't sore, I was surprised how painless it was, i imagined much worse, I can feel that they are tender-ish to touch, so I avoid fiddling mostly because I don't want to get them infected.

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 21, 2018, 10:36:36 PM
Quick update

I had a fantastic shopping spree yesterday, suffered from a tummy bug in the afternoon and evening but had a great morning.

I started off by getting my ears pierced, woohoo! The sales were on, and I got my tax refund back so I was ready to shop[emoji3][emoji3].
I bought two tops, two dresses, and 4 pairs of shoes, yes I've gone from one pair of female shoes to 5 in one day [emoji151][emoji151][emoji3], I found a place that had a good range of size 11 and got them while I could.

I was not misgendered the entire day which was fantastic. Apart from a not being happy about my weight which is my own fault because I lost the plot over winter I'm feeling so happy to be myself as a woman right now. Pictures as proof below

You look great in that dress and girl needs shoes...in my previous incarnation I had 4 pairs including my motorcycle boots...a quick count this morning and I have 14 opps didn't count the two by the front door...so now I have a couple more than I used too...you can never have too many shoes...its like trying to say you can have too many dresses or earrings...

Curves my girl....think Curves  LOL I understand what you mean but I am sure you will get back on top of it.

Take care
Liz

I'm waiting to board my plane to Sydney, I have a conference to go to and to make a presentation at tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, none of the fellow attendees have seen me as Nicole yet, I told them at last years conference that I would be transitioning and on a whole they were supportive so that makes me feel better. This time tomorrow my part will be all done so I'll be able to sit back and relax for the next three days.

I'm more looking forward to meeting our own @Jayne01 on Friday [emoji3]

Getting the boarding call now

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 25, 2018, 02:30:23 AM
I'm waiting to board my plane to Sydney, I have a conference to go to and to make a presentation at tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, none of the fellow attendees have seen me as Nicole yet, I told them at last years conference that I would be transitioning and on a whole they were supportive so that makes me feel better. This time tomorrow my part will be all done so I'll be able to sit back and relax for the next three days.

I'm more looking forward to meeting our own @Jayne01 on Friday [emoji3]

Getting the boarding call now

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
This is exciting news....   
... and meeting @Jayne01 would be be a priority on my list if I were going to Sydney again.

Be strong, be brave, be confident, and proudly be yourself as Nicole....    this is obviously very exciting and a little frightening as well, not everyone that you see again will be able to come up with the proper words to greet you and to discuss your new appearance with you.

I will be looking for your updates when you have time to post them.
Hugs and well wishes.... and have safe travels.
Danielle

Conference Update

I haven't had any negative responses from attendees, a few have misgendered me ... ugh! But they have corrected themselves pretty quickly, those that didn't I told them "that's one" implying there's a limit to how many times I'm going to take that, they have apologised and have corrected themselves since.

There was a delay in giving my presentation, some presenters ran over and because I'm on the committee I had to graciously get moved. I presented this morning, I was pretty nervous at the start but once I got into it it went well, and the attendees gave some really good feedback at the end so Phew! All done now I can relax.

I wore a skirt and blouse this morning, it's the first time I have been out in public in a skirt (photo from my hotel room this morning) and another photo from my seat in the conference. I decided to test the waters with a skirt this morning because tonight at the annual dinner at a restaurant on Darling Harbour in Sydney I shall be wearing a dress, another first for me, I'm very nervous about that.

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/dressc.jpg)

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/conference.jpg)

Nicole

 You are doing well Nicole. Skirts and dresses are cool. I am sure you rocked the skirt and will rock the dress also.
You go Girl!

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 26, 2018, 09:12:04 PM
Conference Update

I haven't had any negative responses from attendees, a few have misgendered me ... ugh! But they have corrected themselves pretty quickly, those that didn't I told them "that's one" implying there's a limit to how many times I'm going to take that, they have apologised and have corrected themselves since.

There was a delay in giving my presentation, some presenters ran over and because I'm on the committee I had to graciously get moved. I presented this morning, I was pretty nervous at the start but once I got into it it went well, and the attendees gave some really good feedback at the end so Phew! All done now I can relax.

I wore a skirt and blouse this morning, it's the first time I have been out in public in a skirt (photo from my hotel room this morning) and another photo from my seat in the conference. I decided to test the waters with a skirt this morning because tonight at the annual dinner at a restaurant on Darling Harbour in Sydney I shall be wearing a dress, another first for me, I'm very nervous about that.



Nicole

How did you enjoy the skirt? You looked great and the colours suit you... I am getting really sick of my jeans but since losing weight my skirts fall to the ground with the exception of one. I can feel a shopping expedition coming on LOL

How did the rest of the conference go? I hope your evening out went well...and a if this is your first time out in a dress...its unlikely you will forget the pleasure...enjoy!!

Take care
Liz

Conference update and Jayne,

I attended the annual dinner last night in a dress which I was very nervous about before going out, it was well received. The dinner was enjoyable and what really made me happy was everyone used correct pronouns and called be Nicole instead of Nick as they had done at the start, even the waiters used ma'am.

On the way home I got a call from a long time friend who I thought maybe would struggle gendering me correctly, he greeted me by saying Hi Nicole (he was on the train home with someone else and a three way conversation was going on) he wanted to know whether I had sent an email to him with some information he needed, as he spoke he was relaying what I was saying and said to the third party "she said she'll send it through when she gets back to the hotel", well I was floating on air all the rest of the way back, it felt wonderful.

Today I met up with @Jayne01, Jayne is a lovely lady, feminine, and has good style. We had coffee and a salad in a bookshop cafe in the centre of Sydney, it was very enjoyable, had a good chat and the time flew by. Then we went for a wonder around a few shops, Sydney has many shops we just don't get in Adelaide (sigh).

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/jayne.jpg)

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 28, 2018, 06:36:41 AM
Conference update and Jayne,

I attended the annual dinner last night in a dress which I was very nervous about before going out, it was well received. The dinner was enjoyable and what really made me happy was everyone used correct pronouns and called be Nicole instead of Nick as they had done at the start, even the waiters used ma'am.

On the way home I got a call from a long time friend who I thought maybe would struggle gendering me correctly, he greeted me by saying Hi Nicole (he was on the train home with someone else and a three way conversation was going on) he wanted to know whether I had sent an email to him with some information he needed, as he spoke he was relaying what I was saying and said to the third party "she said she'll send it through when she gets back to the hotel", well I was floating on air all the rest of the way back, it felt wonderful.

Today I met up with @Jayne01, Jayne is a lovely lady, feminine, and has good style. We had coffee and a salad in a bookshop cafe in the centre of Sydney, it was very enjoyable, had a good chat and the time flew by. Then we went for a wonder around a few shops, Sydney has many shops we just don't get in Adelaide (sigh).

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/jayne.jpg)

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Wow, I am so  envious of you, you look wonderful and it sounds like you have a great time at your conference and annual dinner.... and you in your dress and getting correctly addressed with the proper pronouns and name....  I am so very happy for you.

Wow.... you also were able to meet up with the lovely and beautiful @Jayne01 while in Sydney during your conference trip.    That must have been very exciting for you, I am certain that @Jayne01 felt the same way about meeting you.   These kinds of things are so affirming ..... also meeting with and getting to know our other members that we communicate with here on the forums.

The photo that you posted of you and Jayne is a treat for me to see....  you both appear to be lovely women and so happy too.   Thank you for sharing that.

Wishing you well as always, and again thanks for your posting on your thread.
Hugs,
Danielle

OMFG!!

Rant coming...

I went to checkout this morning, the man at reception said good morning sir, so I corrected him with 'No it's ma'am', so he say's yes sir, I let that slide so he then says did you have a good stay sir, so I said 'No it's ma'am', he said nothing then after tapping his keyboard completed his bit and said all done thank you for staying with us sir, at which point I snapped.

I asked him weather I looked like I was dressed like a man? Maybe he may think I looked like a man but I assured him I was most certainly not, and told him to look at the name on-screen, and was he not getting that I had already corrected him twice. He apologised but I think that was because his female colleague next to him was staring at him mouth wide open.

Ugh!

Nicole, I am happy to hear that your presentation went well.  And especially happy to see the photo of you and Jayne together!

So sorry about the idiot at the hotel.  Once is accidental.  Twice is laziness.  Three times is intentional.  You would have been entirely justified to ask to speak to the manager.  Someone that clueless (benefit of the doubt) or hostile (more likely) has no business being employed where he has contact with the public.  It sounds like you handled it well.

Quote from: Nicole70 on September 28, 2018, 05:50:48 PM
OMFG!!

Rant coming...

I went to checkout this morning, the man at reception said good morning sir, so I corrected him with 'No it's ma'am', so he say's yes sir, I let that slide so he then says did you have a good stay sir, so I said 'No it's ma'am', he said nothing then after tapping his keyboard completed his bit and said all done thank you for staying with us sir, at which point I snapped.

I asked him weather I looked like I was dressed like a man? Maybe he may think I looked like a man but I assured him I was most certainly not, and told him to look at the name on-screen, and was he not getting that I had already corrected him twice. He apologised but I think that was because his female colleague next to him was staring at him mouth wide open.

Ugh!

Nicole, so sorry about the clueless reception staff. I had almost the exact same experience a few weeks ago at a hotel my wife and I stayed at. It's like their brain is on autopilot and they say their pre learned speech without listening to what you tell them. I'm sure you could have told them you were a zebra and their response would have been to what you got. It's worth h writing to their management saying what happened. From your description and from what happened to me, I don't think there would have been any deliberate malice involved, just plain cluelessness and not listening to what their customers are saying. They obviously need more or better training.

Aside from the poor check out experience, I'm glad your conference went well. I really enjoyed meeting you over lunch with a nice talk and some window shopping. Next time our credit cards won't be so fat and we will get to buy some of those nice shoes! [emoji2][emoji151]

Hugs,
Jayne

Thanks everyone for your support, sorry I haven't replied sooner, after almost a week away from my family it was nice to return home and spend time with them. We had a long weekend, Monday was a public holiday which helped to make up for time away.

It was a good week in Sydney, full of firsts for me, which turned out to be a positive experience, and helped me realise I got this! At my age I've always been aware that I'm unlikely to pass 100%, and my goal has always been to live as a woman as my authentic self, I am managing to do that despite the misgendering incident at the hotel checkout the rest of the trip was awesome, being called ma'am etc felt amazing.[emoji16][emoji16] The highlight was also meeting Jayne and spending some girl time [emoji156][emoji151], I hope she feels better soon, I totally understand her situation, and is something I had recently gone through, many hugs Jayne.

I have documented here how I struggle with my weight, well enough is enough, I'm back on my strict diet and and exercise, while I'm too embarrassed to post my starting weight I'm determined to post each week my progress, I have my first appointment with Dr Ives in December and I'm determined to be the best weight I can for that day.

Thank you to all those that follow my thread and offer advice - it helps keep me sane, this journey has its ups and downs, the positive feedback I have received has definitely helped [emoji254].

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
All of us, every one of us, here on the forums from time to time needs and appreciates support from our like-minded forums friends.   
We are all in this journey together and when one of us stumbles and things are not going well, there is an amazing ground swell of support that comes to hold them up... we all share in this. 

I have received much needed support and have had my times of need and really appreciated the support I received.
This is such a wonderful and friendly place chock full of like-minded people that can easily understand the issues that we are dealing with.

Please continue keeping your thread updated, your curious followers need to know!!!
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 01, 2018, 04:53:08 PM
Thanks everyone for your support, sorry I haven't replied sooner, after almost a week away from my family it was nice to return home and spend time with them. We had a long weekend, Monday was a public holiday which helped to make up for time away.

It was a good week in Sydney, full of firsts for me, which turned out to be a positive experience, and helped me realise I got this! At my age I've always been aware that I'm unlikely to pass 100%, and my goal has always been to live as a woman as my authentic self, I am managing to do that despite the misgendering incident at the hotel checkout the rest of the trip was awesome, being called ma'am etc felt amazing.[emoji16][emoji16] The highlight was also meeting Jayne and spending some girl time [emoji156][emoji151], I hope she feels better soon, I totally understand her situation, and is something I had recently gone through, many hugs Jayne.

I have documented here how I struggle with my weight, well enough is enough, I'm back on my strict diet and and exercise, while I'm too embarrassed to post my starting weight I'm determined to post each week my progress, I have my first appointment with Dr Ives in December and I'm determined to be the best weight I can for that day.

Thank you to all those that follow my thread and offer advice - it helps keep me sane, this journey has its ups and downs, the positive feedback I have received has definitely helped [emoji254].

Nicole

Hi Nicole

I don't get why anyone in a service industry would CHOOSE to be that rude....I have been tied up with a few things myself over the last week so have only just caught up with your week. Would love to hear a bit more about it... ;) I hope you are feeling better and recharged after a weekend with the family...mine always cheers me up  :)


Take care
Liz

Hi Nicole,

I'm glad you enjoyed your time in Sydney, except for the misgendering incident. I thought that you "pass" very well. You looked, acted and sounded feminine to me. You certainly have got this girl!! It was a highlight for me too to meet you and spending some girl time. I am feeling much better. Thank you for your kind thoughts and messages.

Also good that the long weekend helped make up for some of the time away from your family.

Taking care of your health is great! I like how you have set yourself a goal for when you see the Dr. it gives you something to strive for. Posting your weekly progress here could be a good motivator also. You will have all of us to cheer you along to make sure you reach your goal.

Wooohooooo!!!! Go Nicole!!!! You go girl!!!! [emoji322][emoji322][emoji322]

Hugs,
Jayne

Hi Nicole,

  I was actually glad to hear that you read the riot act to that clerk. I think if that clerk had acted so rudely to me, not only would I have read him the riot act I would ask to speak to his supervisor. Lacking that I would have noted how to contact the management of the hotel. Then I would do so. There is absolutely NO excuse for such rude behavior.
  I am glad you otherwise had a great time and even got to meet Jayne. (Your know she avoided meeting Michelle and I. She also drove right past Tia and Debi) Sheesh I hope such behavior is not an Australian trait.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Jayne01 on October 02, 2018, 10:01:51 PM
Taking care of your health is great! I like how you have set yourself a goal for when you see the Dr. it gives you something to strive for. Posting your weekly progress here could be a good motivator also. You will have all of us to cheer you along to make sure you reach your goal.

Wooohooooo!!!! Go Nicole!!!! You go girl!!!! [emoji322][emoji322][emoji322]

Hugs,
Jayne

Thank you for such wonderful support Jayne, I am determined at the moment and have very intention of updating my progress hopefully to keep myself in-line.

I'm playing squash tonight with my friends, hopefully I have enough energy in reserve, I'm pretty sure I do

Quote from: Laurie on October 02, 2018, 10:16:46 PM
Hi Nicole,

  I am glad you otherwise had a great time and even got to meet Jayne. (Your know she avoided meeting Michelle and I. She also drove right past Tia and Debi) Sheesh I hope such behavior is not an Australian trait.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Laurie, thank you for your kind words, as for Jayne... well what can I say, having met her in person I'm sure she didn't avoid anyone, and I'm pretty sure it's not an Aussie trait, however if she avoids you again she probably needs to dust off that fridge top [emoji23]

Hugs

Nicole

 Ok this is super weird, yesterday I re-opened the ceiling vents for the air conditioning, I close them in winter to stop the heat being lost into the roof, anyway I reached up but couldn't quite reach, didn't really think too much of it but this morning I thought about it, I can normally reach so I measured my height, [emoji50] I've shrunk, I know we get shorter with age but I measured myself before I started hrt and was 183cm I'm now 179cm, that's 4 cm in 9 months, has anyone else experienced loss of height?

I spent most of Friday in A & E, I started getting chest pain on Wednesday morning, and it got worse until on Friday morning I thought enough was enough, after tests they found nothing wrong with my heart and lungs so that was a relief, but the pain has not gone away, they said it could be muscular but weren't sure, I think I'll go to my GP in the morning if it's still not any better, it is very painful and I'm struggling to find any position that is comfortable, it only seems to reduce when I lie down.

I get my Oestradiol implant on Tuesday morning, really looking forward to that although not to the incision, yay no more blue tablets for a while!

Nicole

Hi Nicole

Don't worry about the incision its the needles you gotta watch...LOL

I hope you can get comfortable and find a solution to your chest pain. Things like this can be really tricky to work out. Its great that its not heart or anything similar but that doesn't make it any easier or less painful for you. Hope fully your Dr can help you find a solution.


The height thing is weird...I have it recorded in a number of places that I was  178cm tall but when I checked not long ago I was 174...in fact I told Andy Ives  nurse I was 177cm, what made me even check was when I had a Care Plan done with my Dr I had to have basics recorded. When I got home I saw the height as 4cm shorter than I thought I was...but thought I had better check anyway...you could have knocked me over with a feather...I can remember talking about my height saying I am 5ft 10inches or about 70 inches 177cm but I seem to have lost a couple of inches somewhere!!(Twilight zone music playing)


Good luck for Tuesday!!

Take care

Liz

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 06, 2018, 08:34:52 PM
Ok this is super weird, yesterday I re-opened the ceiling vents for the air conditioning, I close them in winter to stop the heat being lost into the roof, anyway I reached up but couldn't quite reach, didn't really think too much of it but this morning I thought about it, I can normally reach so I measured my height, [emoji50] I've shrunk, I know we get shorter with age but I measured myself before I started hrt and was 183cm I'm now 179cm, that's 4 cm in 9 months, has anyone else experienced loss of height?

I spent most of Friday in A & E, I started getting chest pain on Wednesday morning, and it got worse until on Friday morning I thought enough was enough, after tests they found nothing wrong with my heart and lungs so that was a relief, but the pain has not gone away, they said it could be muscular but weren't sure, I think I'll go to my GP in the morning if it's still not any better, it is very painful and I'm struggling to find any position that is comfortable, it only seems to reduce when I lie down.

I get my Oestradiol implant on Tuesday morning, really looking forward to that although not to the incision, yay no more blue tablets for a while!

Nicole

Hi Nicole,

I have heard reports of people losing height after starting HRT. I never really believed it because HRT cannot change your bone structure. Then I read somewhere, don't remember where, that along with muscle mass reduction from HRT, the "stuff" (technical medical term [emoji23]) between your bone joints also shrinks which all adds up to a reduction in height. That may be total bollocks, I'll be interested to know what your doctor tells you as an explanation. I never had an accurate height measurement of myself so I have no way of knowing if I have lost any height.

I'm glad your chest pain was not a heart or lung problem. I often get a pain around my rib cage that feels like I had something heavy lying on top of me. I figured out it was the sports bra I wear to work. It's a tight fitting crop top that isn't very comfortable. Apart from support, I have also been using that bra as a method of concealing my breasts at work. Thankfully I can ditch that after next week and start wearing a normal more comfortable bra. Any chance your bra might not be fitting you well and causing pain?

How exciting to be getting your implant in a couple of days!!! Yay!!!!!! Don't worry about the incision. You won't feel a thing. The Dr will give you a local anaesthetic first which will make everything numb. The anaesthetic needle has a bit of a sting but that only lasts a few seconds. The incision is tiny. Mine is about 3mm and then the pellets are inserted with a pellet inserting gizmo (another technical term [emoji12]). I didn't get any stitches afterwards. The doc put a bandaid type patch to close the incision and then a waterproof patch over the top. I kept that on for a week and the removed it and the bandaid. The incision was closed up and barely visible.

Looking forward to your report after getting the implant!

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 06, 2018, 08:34:52 PM
Ok this is super weird, yesterday I re-opened the ceiling vents for the air conditioning, I close them in winter to stop the heat being lost into the roof, anyway I reached up but couldn't quite reach, didn't really think too much of it but this morning I thought about it, I can normally reach so I measured my height, [emoji50] I've shrunk, I know we get shorter with age but I measured myself before I started hrt and was 183cm I'm now 179cm, that's 4 cm in 9 months, has anyone else experienced loss of height?

I spent most of Friday in A & E, I started getting chest pain on Wednesday morning, and it got worse until on Friday morning I thought enough was enough, after tests they found nothing wrong with my heart and lungs so that was a relief, but the pain has not gone away, they said it could be muscular but weren't sure, I think I'll go to my GP in the morning if it's still not any better, it is very painful and I'm struggling to find any position that is comfortable, it only seems to reduce when I lie down.

I get my Oestradiol implant on Tuesday morning, really looking forward to that although not to the incision, yay no more blue tablets for a while!

Nicole

@Nicole
Dear Nicole:
Without a doubt, it is well known that as we all get older we lose height....  also even though I am still in my 30's (barely) ... I think that HRT has been responsible for me losing an inch of height... down to a little shorter than 5'4" (162cm) and my shoe size is at least ONE full size smaller.  My weight has stayed about the same at 125 - 130 pounds  (57 - 59Kg)

All of that stuff is secondary to your reported chest pains.....   I will be looking for your updated report.... I trust that you and your doctor have taken care of that .....

Wishing you well... and hugs and hugs,
Danielle

I had my implant put in this morning [emoji3][emoji3]

The doctor gave me a numbing patch to put on before I attended the appointment, that helped because I did not feel the local anaesthetic needle at all. A cavity was shaped and the pellet inserted then she put in a single stitch taped me up and put a patch over it. I did not feel a thing from the procedure so that was wonderful, a great doctor [emoji16].

I booked a non urgent appointment to see my GP on Thursday to discuss the chest pain, although I think it may be reducing but can't be certain if I'm just getting used to the pain, I'm hoping it's going, if it is I'll cancel my appointment as that would suggest muscle pain that is getting better, anyway I'm still just thankful my heart was given the all clear. Thank you @Alaskan Danielle, @Jayne01, and @LizK for your concern.

An update on my weight, I managed to loose a kilo this last week, which is good but I know I could have lost more, I had some chocolate on Friday after a miserable morning in hospital so that didn't help but a girl needs her chocolate sometimes! Mmmm [emoji515]

I had a bit of a moment yesterday I went to the loo and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it surprised me, just for a few moments I saw her, and she looked like my mum, I was so happy, I can't see it again now but even typing this it has brought tears to my eyes. I told my wife and she said yes you'd be surprised how often she makes an appearance these days, she says the sweetest things that make me happy I could have skipped out the room [emoji254][emoji254]

I dropped my dad off at hospital this morning for his operation, hope all goes well, we won't know until later this evening.

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 08, 2018, 11:06:10 PM
I had my implant put in this morning [emoji3][emoji3]

The doctor gave me a numbing patch to put on before I attended the appointment, that helped because I did not feel the local anaesthetic needle at all. A cavity was shaped and the pellet inserted then she put in a single stitch taped me up and put a patch over it. I did not feel a thing from the procedure so that was wonderful, a great doctor [emoji16].

I booked a non urgent appointment to see my GP on Thursday to discuss the chest pain, although I think it may be reducing but can't be certain if I'm just getting used to the pain, I'm hoping it's going, if it is I'll cancel my appointment as that would suggest muscle pain that is getting better, anyway I'm still just thankful my heart was given the all clear. Thank you @Alaskan Danielle, @Jayne01, and @LizK for your concern.

An update on my weight, I managed to loose a kilo this last week, which is good but I know I could have lost more, I had some chocolate on Friday after a miserable morning in hospital so that didn't help but a girl needs her chocolate sometimes! Mmmm [emoji515]

I had a bit of a moment yesterday I went to the loo and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it surprised me, just for a few moments I saw her, and she looked like my mum, I was so happy, I can't see it again now but even typing this it has brought tears to my eyes. I told my wife and she said yes you'd be surprised how often she makes an appearance these days, she says the sweetest things that make me happy I could have skipped out the room [emoji254][emoji254]

I dropped my dad off at hospital this morning for his operation, hope all goes well, we won't know until later this evening.

Nicole

Hi Nicole

Glad to hear the implant procedure went well, when I had it done she use a type of "gun" where she made an incision then "fired" the pellet into place then stitched up.


Congrats on losing the weight. It can be such as exercise in frustration...2 steps forward one back three sideways ....then frustration set in!! :D

Hope all goes well for your Dad and it all works out great.

Take care

Liz

Wooohooooo!!!! Congrats on getting the implant. Interesting how the procedure is slightly different for you, Liz and me. I guess each doctor has their own way of doing things. End result is the same though — you have the pellet inside you working it's magic 24/7.

I hope your chest pain turns out to be nothing more than a bit of muscle ache. I'll be thinking of you.

Congrats on seeing a happy reflection in the mirror. I don't know what your mother looks like, but when I met you I saw a woman.

Hope all goes well for your dad.

Hugs,
Jayne

7 month update

I've been on HRT proper for 7 months now, so I thought it was about time I posted a before and after picture, I can see a little difference and encouraged by the changes but hope for a lot more.

First image is July 2017 pre everything
Second image is from today

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/7months.jpg)

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 12, 2018, 11:21:03 PM
7 month update

I've been on HRT proper for 7 months now, so I thought it was about time I posted a before and after picture, I can see a little difference and encouraged by the changes but hope for a lot more.

First image is July 2017 pre everything
Second image is from today

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/7months.jpg)

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Wow... no kidding, I can most certainly see amazing changes at only 7 months of HRT....
....hang on, there is much more to come in your journey, and at this point in your HRT I am thinking that you will soon see some more changes a little more quickly... 
Please be sure to continue to keep us all posted.  Your followers want to know!!!!

Thank you for sharing with us,
I will be eagerly following your progress as I always have done.

OH, and I am so happy to see your new Avatar/Profile photo!!!
 
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 12, 2018, 11:21:03 PM
7 month update

I've been on HRT proper for 7 months now, so I thought it was about time I posted a before and after picture, I can see a little difference and encouraged by the changes but hope for a lot more.

First image is July 2017 pre everything
Second image is from today

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/7months.jpg)

Nicole

7 months already! Wow! That time has gone quickly. Can't wait to see what the next 7 months will do. You look great! The changes in the before and after pics are subtle but enough to make the after pic look like a woman compared to the man in the before pic. The feminising is working well for you and I think you easily pass.

Hugs,
Jayne

No questions there, the changes are obvious. It'll only get better :)

Nichole, as others have said, the difference between the before and after pictures is amazing.  You look very feminine in the second picture, and you look a lot happier.  It is a great choice for your avatar.

Thanks everyone for your lovely words, I still have trouble seeing me behind the masculine features but I'm happy overall that changes are happening, and that I'm happier than I've have been for a very long time. It's not an easy path we take but it is rewarding, I can't wait to see the changes by this time next year [emoji16]

I took the dressing off my implant area today and was surprised to see not a lot at all, seems to be healing quite well, I had trouble finding the scar, well it was easier when I put my glasses on 🤪.

I think I'm starting to feel the effects, I felt pretty rough mentally until Friday, I hadn't had my blue pills since Sunday and I think the implant took a couple of days to kick in. My boobs are super sore today, and my mood seems calmer, so I'll take that as a good sign.

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 13, 2018, 08:58:12 PM
Thanks everyone for your lovely words, I still have trouble seeing me behind the masculine features but I'm happy overall that changes are happening, and that I'm happier than I've have been for a very long time. It's not an easy path we take but it is rewarding, I can't wait to see the changes by this time next year [emoji16]

I took the dressing off my implant area today and was surprised to see not a lot at all, seems to be healing quite well, I had trouble finding the scar, well it was easier when I put my glasses on 🤪.

I think I'm starting to feel the effects, I felt pretty rough mentally until Friday, I hadn't had my blue pills since Sunday and I think the implant took a couple of days to kick in. My boobs are super sore today, and my mood seems calmer, so I'll take that as a good sign.

Nicole

@Nicole70
Yes indeed, good news...boobs being quite sore ....
... no pain, no gain.  The HRT is working!!!!

Have patience my dear friend.  Nothing usually happens very quickly with HRT, but it will happen!!!

Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 13, 2018, 08:58:12 PM
Thanks everyone for your lovely words, I still have trouble seeing me behind the masculine features but I'm happy overall that changes are happening, and that I'm happier than I've have been for a very long time. It's not an easy path we take but it is rewarding, I can't wait to see the changes by this time next year [emoji16]

I took the dressing off my implant area today and was surprised to see not a lot at all, seems to be healing quite well, I had trouble finding the scar, well it was easier when I put my glasses on 🤪.

I think I'm starting to feel the effects, I felt pretty rough mentally until Friday, I hadn't had my blue pills since Sunday and I think the implant took a couple of days to kick in. My boobs are super sore today, and my mood seems calmer, so I'll take that as a good sign.

Nicole

How awesome is it to feel the happiness and mental calmness! The masculine features are something we all see in ourselves. We look too closely at these features and they tend to stand out to us. That's why it is so important to trust what others tell us about how we look. It is the overall picture that people see, not individual features. I can tell you with complete honesty, my first impression when I met you was a woman. Absolutely no question.

I love your positive outlook, enjoying your current experience of life and looking forward to what the future may bring to you.

The implant scar is tiny. I can't identify the exact location of my scar with absolute certainty. I only know the general vicinity of where the incision was made.

Yay on the boob pain/growth!!!

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 12, 2018, 11:21:03 PM
7 month update

I've been on HRT proper for 7 months now, so I thought it was about time I posted a before and after picture, I can see a little difference and encouraged by the changes but hope for a lot more.

First image is July 2017 pre everything
Second image is from today

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/7months.jpg)

Nicole

Hi Nicole

You look great....I have no doubt that more time on HRT will see you grinning even more...you certainly seem to have a facial structure that is complimented by the changes and as they become more pronounced you will look even better.


It's great that you are beginning to feel the effects of your implant and it is something you can definitely notice...well at least I certainly can....when my E went low a few months ago I began to notice the subtle difference and when it came back up again I began to feel that comfortable relaxed sensation that is the new normal....


Hopefully we can catch up again soon out last get together was fun.

Take care

Liz

Dysphoria has hit me like a tonne of bricks, I've been holding back the tears all day today, I have felt it coming for a few days. I don't know where it's come from. Seeing cis women makes me just feel desperate, I'm feeling like a total failure as a woman, I'll never look natural, what I feel inside nobody sees on the outside, to them I'm just a man in women's clothing.

My sister came over to visit my parents last week, I'm not going to go into any details but some extremely hurtful things were said, I've tried hard to put it behind me and I think I have, I'm stronger now and can ignore the ignorance, but I feel trapped - we are expected to visit her in Melbourne for Christmas and for various reasons it is difficult to refuse to go but I'm not sure I can take it. I know it's not good for my mental health, but if I don't go it will spoil Christmas for my family, my daughters want to see their cousins and my parents don't want there to be any issues between me and my sister.

Sorry for the rubbish update.

Nicole

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 22, 2018, 05:59:07 AM
Dysphoria has hit me like a tonne of bricks, I've been holding back the tears all day today, I have felt it coming for a few days. I don't know where it's come from. Seeing cis women makes me just feel desperate, I'm feeling like a total failure as a woman, I'll never look natural, what I feel inside nobody sees on the outside, to them I'm just a man in women's clothing.

My sister came over to visit my parents last week, I'm not going to go into any details but some extremely hurtful things were said, I've tried hard to put it behind me and I think I have, I'm stronger now and can ignore the ignorance, but I feel trapped - we are expected to visit her in Melbourne for Christmas and for various reasons it is difficult to refuse to go but I'm not sure I can take it. I know it's not good for my mental health, but if I don't go it will spoil Christmas for my family, my daughters want to see their cousins and my parents don't want there to be any issues between me and my sister.

Sorry for the rubbish update.

Nicole

Hey girl! (((((BIG HUG!!!!!!)))))

Sorry the dysphoria has hit you so hard. It always seem to hit when you are feeling most vulnerable and your defences are down. This will pass and you will reconnect with the woman you know yourself to be. A failure you are NOT!!! If you need to have a good cry, do it. You will feel better afterwards. A good cry can be therapeutic. I know you have heard it before, we are our own worst critics and with the dysphoria hitting you so hard, you are starting to believe the negative thoughts entering your mind. I have met you in real life, and you looked like a woman with all the subtle female cues that go with it to me, and I'm not just saying that to be nice, it is my honest, heartfelt opinion. If I didn't know you, I would have no reason to think you were born male. And it will only continue to get better for you as HRT continues to do its magic and you start to feel more comfortable and confident in yourself. You are a woman in woman's clothing! Don't let yourself forget that!

I'm really sorry that things with your sister are still not improving. It sounds like the Christmas visit will be challenging for you, but you will get through it. If you need to have a vent, we are all here to listen, you also have my private contact details if you need a private vent and chat. We have your back Nicole. Do the best you can to enjoy your Christmas as much as possible. I hope it isn't too hard on you.

Big hugs!
Jayne

Quote from: Nicole70 on October 22, 2018, 05:59:07 AM
Dysphoria has hit me like a tonne of bricks, I've been holding back the tears all day today, I have felt it coming for a few days. I don't know where it's come from. Seeing cis women makes me just feel desperate, I'm feeling like a total failure as a woman, I'll never look natural, what I feel inside nobody sees on the outside, to them I'm just a man in women's clothing.

My sister came over to visit my parents last week, I'm not going to go into any details but some extremely hurtful things were said, I've tried hard to put it behind me and I think I have, I'm stronger now and can ignore the ignorance, but I feel trapped - we are expected to visit her in Melbourne for Christmas and for various reasons it is difficult to refuse to go but I'm not sure I can take it. I know it's not good for my mental health, but if I don't go it will spoil Christmas for my family, my daughters want to see their cousins and my parents don't want there to be any issues between me and my sister.

Sorry for the rubbish update.

Nicole

Nicole

I am so sorry to read that you a feeling so crappy. It makes for tough days...the situation with your sister is difficult without her adding fuel to the fire. I feel for you. I can imagine how horrifying the thought of having to see her at Xmass. Is it now time to start thinking about drawing that line in the sand about what is acceptable and what is not...just a thought...Take care and I hope you are feeling better soon. I can come to you...

Take care

Liz

8 Month Update

HRT seems steady, no significant changes, I think there was a dip in hormones while my implant settled in, but my energy levels seem much higher now and my boobs hurt again. I feel really quite settled, life has steadied, I'm living as me as I always should have, so no significant dramas. My chest hair seems to be growing slower and I think is softer/ finer.

I've had a pretty busy month doing some heavy manual labour in the garden, shifted 7 tonnes of gravel, 4 cubic metres of mulch, laid paving, dug out rock, which has had the effect of making my biceps grow a lot, I've lost inches but put weight on. The bicep issue has messed with my head a bit, a few of my tops no longer fit on the arms [emoji3525].

I had two new things happen to me while at my local hardware store, I took a trolley full of building materials to the till and the lady asked if I needed a hand out with it to me car, I declined. I went out to my car, opened up the back and when I turned around a man already had already picked heavy bag of cement to put in my car, I thanked him for his kindness, but said it wasn't necessary, he said no worries love and went on his way apparently no idea I was trans, or did and didn't care [emoji16].

My cousin and Aunty are coming to visit from the UK on Monday for a week, they haven't yet seen Nicole so I'm a bit nervous but also strangely excited.

Nicole

Thanks for the update Nicole

That was pretty cool what happened at the hardware...very affirming we all need plenty of them

I bet your place looks great...I am sure with all your hard work your visitors will be impressed...hope you have a great time with them.
Take care
Liz


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Nicole70 on November 10, 2018, 04:35:14 AM
8 Month Update

HRT seems steady, no significant changes, I think there was a dip in hormones while my implant settled in, but my energy levels seem much higher now and my boobs hurt again. I feel really quite settled, life has steadied, I'm living as me as I always should have, so no significant dramas. My chest hair seems to be growing slower and I think is softer/ finer.

I've had a pretty busy month doing some heavy manual labour in the garden, shifted 7 tonnes of gravel, 4 cubic metres of mulch, laid paving, dug out rock, which has had the effect of making my biceps grow a lot, I've lost inches but put weight on. The bicep issue has messed with my head a bit, a few of my tops no longer fit on the arms [emoji3525].

I had two new things happen to me while at my local hardware store, I took a trolley full of building materials to the till and the lady asked if I needed a hand out with it to me car, I declined. I went out to my car, opened up the back and when I turned around a man already had already picked heavy bag of cement to put in my car, I thanked him for his kindness, but said it wasn't necessary, ...[emoji16].

My cousin and Aunty are coming to visit from the UK on Monday for a week, they haven't yet seen Nicole so I'm a bit nervous but also strangely excited.

Nicole

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Thank you for posting your terrific 8 month update.  All good news for sure.

Awweeee.... boobs hurting again...
consider it a blessing because it usually means that the HRT is doing it's thing... no pain, no gain.

Regarding heavy manual labor...  I found that just after a year of HRT that I was having more and more difficulty with tasks that require strength.... my arms and legs became a lot less muscular and fit more easily into tighter clothing... oh well, what will be, will be.

Your hardware store episode sounds very affirming for you...  yep, the benefit of being a woman.
I am always quite pleased when the normal courtesies that are usually extended to cis-women are extended to me as well...   like you stated in your latest episode, "... he said no worries love and went on his way apparently no idea I was trans, or did and didn't care."

I suppose where you live being called "love" is like me where I live being called Hun, honey, darling, sweetie, etc.  ...  what amazes me about that is there are feminists that find that to be offensive, oh well, I sure don't.

Well, Nicole, this will be "exciting" for you to introduce "Nicole" to your cousin and Aunty....   are they aware of your life change and just have not seen you yet or will all of this be a surprise to them????   

Wishing your well, and I will be eagerly looking for your future updates as you post them.
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on November 10, 2018, 12:56:43 PM
@Nicole70

I suppose where you live being called "love" is like me where I live being called Hun, honey, darling, sweetie, etc.  ...  what amazes me about that is there are feminists that find that to be offensive, oh well, I sure don't.

Well, Nicole, this will be "exciting" for you to introduce "Nicole" to your cousin and Aunty....   are they aware of your life change and just have not seen you yet or will all of this be a surprise to them????   

Yes love is a common reference to a Sheila here in Australia same as hun, honey etc.

My Aunty and cousin are aware of my changes to Nicole, I told them a couple of months ago in a message, they were very accepting and warm in response. They haven't seen me for a few years so I think they may be a little surprised [emoji16].

My Aunt and Cousin have been here all week, I was really nervous when I first met them again, they are the first family from the UK that have seen me as Nicole, I was worried how it was going to go.

It has been wonderful, they have been so loving and accepting and try to use Nicole and gender me correctly, it doesn't happen all the time but they are trying and apologise when they make a mistake, I can't ask no more [emoji16].

We have been out and about this week with my mum, they have accepted me as one of the girls and we have had some lovely girl time shopping, talking girl talk, I'm so happy [emoji254][emoji126][emoji126][emoji254].

One thing I have realised - because they have obviously been asking lots of questions about how I knew, and how long, etc - is that while I have been happy to fill them in because they are family I'm getting to the point where I just want to reply 'I am who I am and don't need to justify myself'. I'm feeling really comfortable just being myself, I want to put the past behind me and get on with my life, I've wasted too many years worrying about what others may think of me. I love the freedom I have now to express myself, I never want to go back to that hell hole of manhood.

Nicole x

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
Well now, you could not ask for a better reunion with your family members than you described....  they finally met saw "Nicole"  .... they were so very kind and accepting of you.   ....   
...you can see now that all those times of fretting and worrying about how you would be accepted were for not. 

I like what you stated:
"I've wasted too many years worrying about what others may think of me."

Thanks for sharing your good report.
Hugs and continued well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Nicole70 on November 16, 2018, 06:32:05 AM


We have been out and about this week with my mum, they have accepted me as one of the girls and we have had some lovely girl time shopping, talking girl talk, I'm so happy [emoji254][emoji126][emoji126][emoji254].

....

Nicole x

Wonderful, it could not have gone better...considering how nervous you were this is a such a good outcome..

Really happy (and a little jealous...LOL) for  you

Take care

Liz

48 today and feeling meh..

I stopped taking T blockers about 7 weeks ago when my E implant was inserted, I've noticed in the last couple of weeks increased signs of T, facial hair has thickened up quite a bit, feeling generally irritable, the unwanted one down below has woken up again, my boobs have completely stopped hurting, and I've noticed a change in body odour. It's doing my head in so I had my bloods taken this morning and have booked an appointment with my endo on Friday morning.

I have had coffee a couple of time recently with Liz and Cindy which has been really nice, I'm so envious of Liz but also really happy for her, she has her surgery next week, she is looking good and I admire her positivity, and preparation. Their is a downside though it has definitely increased my desire to have GCS as soon as I can, which depressingly won't be for another year, urgh!!!

I'm still struggling with my weight, another thing bringing me down, I have increased my exercise which I find helps my mood but I need to cut the calories too, I'm trying not to beat myself up about it I have enough on my plate at the moment.

Work is very busy, and home life also, so I haven't had much free time lately and that's probably a good thing because it's kept me sane and not had to think about things too hard.

I am getting excited about seeing Dr Ives in 19 days for my first GCS consultation, flights to Melbourne are booked, I fly in and out on the same day. I hope it all goes well because I'm sick of tucking, there is nothing good to say about it and is driving my dysphoria.

Name change related things are still popping up, I have now changed my land title and bank accounts, the last major things now are my passport and UK birth certificate.

I've also been mourning the years lost living without transitioning, I look at cis women and it makes me ache that I've missed so much, I know this is something I just have to get over.

I'm sorry that this update is a bit of a downer but it's just how I feel at the moment, I have had some really good time recently but I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, I know I'll bounce back and even though I'm down it still beats the darkness of living as him.

Nicole, I feel like the Queen of Downs. You have nothing to be sorry for posting of a 'subdued' mood. If I've learned nothing else it's that you have to get it out. Don't hold it in, vocalize it. In this case, type it.

Curious, why would you stop T-blocker just because you went on an E implant? That doesn't make sense to me. In some lucky few E is enough to suppress T, or been on it long enough to maintain reduced levels. Am I missing something?

Take care.
Faith

Wait, you get to visit with Cindy and Liz? ... life just isn't fair :(

Quote from: Faith on November 28, 2018, 06:47:13 AM

Curious, why would you stop T-blocker just because you went on an E implant? That doesn't make sense to me. In some lucky few E is enough to suppress T, or been on it long enough to maintain reduced levels. Am I missing something?

Take care.
Faith

Wait, you get to visit with Cindy and Liz? ... life just isn't fair :(

Hi Faith,

I can't take Spiro because it will worsen an unrelated condition, so I was on Cypro which is a very effective blocker that had suppressed my T to zero even on a very tiny dose, and it was felt that E would be able to keep T suppressed enough, I guess I'll find out tomorrow what is happening, I am concerned about my E levels more because it's the first implant I've had.

Yes I am lucky to live close by Liz and Cindy [emoji16], they are lovely ladies.

I'm having my hair done today, then meeting friends for a game of squash later, that cheers me up, thanks for checking in [emoji16].

Nicole

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. If you want to chat about your results or just want some company I will be home all afternoon. I hope you are feeling a little better. I understand from our chat why you feel so crappy. I am sure you will be able to get this worked out and will on the mend fairly soon.


Take care.

Liz

Quote from: Faith on November 28, 2018, 06:47:13 AM
Nicole, I feel like the Queen of Downs. You have nothing to be sorry for posting of a 'subdued' mood. If I've learned nothing else it's that you have to get it out. Don't hold it in, vocalize it. In this case, type it.

Curious, why would you stop T-blocker just because you went on an E implant? That doesn't make sense to me. In some lucky few E is enough to suppress T, or been on it long enough to maintain reduced levels. Am I missing something?

Take care.
Faith

Wait, you get to visit with Cindy and Liz? ... life just isn't fair :(

Those two spring chickens came around to visit the old broad as I limped around with my sore foot. We sat around in the sunshine and drank coffee, ate lovely biscuits that Nicole brought, set USA politics to right and they had a quick sneak at Jonathan (my pet snail) as he slept, neither seemed keen to do the same to Esmerelda (my pet spider).

Perfectly normal Adelaide afternoon Faith!  You are most welcome anytime... as are all

planes, trains, and automobiles  ...  I know how traveling works out.
I don't have a passport, I will never have one with my current legal name on it.

I'll wish from afar. You all are obligated to share a hug for me since I cannot be there.

Liz,

Thank you, I'm hoping I get a resolution today, I suspect I'll just be put back on blockers. Hope your morning walk went well.

Cindy and Faith,

I haven't yet applied for a new Aussie passport, and my UK passport expired a number of years ago, before I apply for a new one I need to change my birth certificate, I've been putting it off because of the £140 fee and the documents I'll have to collate, I'll probably tackle it in the new year.

Thanks to everyone for your support, I'm feeling a bit better again today, I'll post an update later.

Hugs

Nicole

Fingers, toes, knees and arms all crossed...that you are able to sort this out and can get back on track to feeling a bit more human...I would guess you are probably just about on you way..

Take care and good luck

Liz

Nicole,

I'm in and out of the place today but I'm around all next week so we can catch up and talk behind Liz's back  :laugh:

Just take it one step at a time hon

Hormone update

My blood test came back, T was elevated, E was better than when I was on tablets but still not quite high enough. I'm back on the blockers and take an extract oral E dose.

It is a relief to know that the problems I've been experiencing should fade again, the thought of those evil twin factories taking over again was making me feel sick.

I'm really glad I didn't let it drag on any longer, I probably already let it go on too long but I was doubting myself, next time I'll know.

Nicole

It's been a while since my last update, I hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas and managed to spend quality time with there loved ones. I didn't end up going to visit my sister this year, my parents haven't been well and they stayed home so we decided to do the same.

I feel like I'm starting a new phase in my transition, things have settle down somewhat and I'm just enjoying being me, and spending lots of time with my family.

The biggest reward from my transition has been getting closer to my beautiful girls, I love spending quality time with them and my wife [emoji3590] we have had a lovely Christmas. I'm feeling very lucky that they have accepted me and treat me like one of the girls. I have done a lot of baking, 7 dozen mince pies, and lots of sausage rolls, full turkey, pork, ham, Christmas dinner which was delicious even if I say so myself.

I have not been very active here on the forum partly because of lack of time, also I feel I need to take some time out, and because there isn't a lot going on to report. My updates are probably going to be less frequent, I'm not going anywhere and do really value the friendships made and help I have received here, when I'm able to I will hopefully return the favour and provide more input and help to others, I still feel I'm finding my own way and lack confidence when it comes to giving others advice.

My visit with Dr Ives in Melbourne went very well, I met him and his team and had a look around the ward. I have a date for my GCS which is later in 2019, I have to loose about 20kg to get down to a BMI of 28. I'm really happy that I now have a target date and feel really motivated to get myself into the best shape possible.

The Testosterone finally seems to have worn off now that the blockers are back on board, I had a pretty horrible time, the thought of going backwards messed with my head, the symptoms were hair on my face and chest thickened up, I got moody, my skin became more oily, I had more energy and stamina and while I was doing a lot of work in the garden my shoulders and arms bulked out which affected the fit of my tops, my boobs completely stopped hurting, and my male appendage "woke up".

I hope the New Year turns out to be good for everyone [emoji16].

Hugs and best wishes,

Nicole

Hi Nicole

thanks for the update and nice to hear things are starting to settle for you. Its a horrible time when the HRT is out of whack.

Lovely to hear of the developing relationships within your family which are so supportive. They are bringing you a great deal of happiness because of their continued support.

I have only nice things to say about Mr Ives but then I am a little biased. He has a nice bedside manner and I found him pleasant to chat with. I have not had any real complications and if you follow what he has requested you will be fine. Being healthy is going to make the biggest difference to your experience.

Hopefully we can catch up soon.

Take care

Liz

Nicole,

I am glad to hear that your HRT regimen is back on track and of your acceptance by your closest loved ones.

Happy New Year to you and your family,
Stevi

@Nicole70
Dear Nicole:
It was wonderful for me to meet you on the Forums this past year...
I have so much enjoyed your updates as you continue on in your journey.
Thank you for feeling free to share your life events with all of us.   

I have very much enjoyed swapping comments and thoughts with you on your thread, my thread, and on various threads around the Forums.
Obviously there are some bumps in the road that all of us experience so we continue to hang on for an exciting ride.
 
I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums this last year and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR   in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle

Happy New Year to everyone!

Danielle thank you for your continued support, and thank you to all contributors and followers of my thread, you have all been a tremendous help to me and hopefully to others too.

2019 is set to be a momentous year for me, I have to focus on my weight loss and fitness goals before GCS surgery later in the year.

It is already 2019 here in Australia we are watching New Year celebrations around the world on the the News while having breakfast, the temperature is set to hit 32C here today, the pool is looking inviting already!

I wish everyone a lovely night of celebrations,  and hope you all find happiness in 2019, and for those transitioning or thinking about it I especially hope that you find happiness and have a smooth journey.

Hugs to all

Nicole [emoji322][emoji322][emoji254]

Hi Nicole

You got this, I visualised myself on the table as the anaesthetic was about to be administered, I will also never forget it when I was actually lying there experiencing the visualisation ....

You can and will do it for yourself...I have no doubt in your ability to meet your goal. I look forward to catching up over the next 12 months and hearing about your progress. Thank you for your support and I thoroughly enjoyed your visit the other day...it did wear me out but it was fun.

Take care

Liz


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Happy New Year Nicole!

Seems like you have some great goals, and welcome to "The Class of 2019" - seem like we have quite a sizable group this year planning surgery.

I share your goals, I have 4 months to lose another 10lbs and increase fitness before my turn.

I wish you all the best, hope you achieve your goals and I keep my fingers crossed for your surgery!!

Hugs,

Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Happy New Year to you and yours, thank you for your words of encouragement, you are a lot closer to your GCS than I. I hope all goes well for you in your preparation. I have to loose about 40 pounds, but my surgery is scheduled towards the end of the year after my 2nd eldest daughter has completed her final year at school. I'm actually looking forward to getting fit and loosing weight.

Hugs

Nicole

Hi Nicole

Just sent you a text but thought I would just say. I understand many of the feelings you are experiencing. It's a very difficult and personal decision. One thing that springs to mind is that you need to work out  is what you need to do  for yourself to be able to continue on with your life and be happy.

I say this because it will make it far more difficult to do the best you can by your family if you are not in a happy space. Working out where you need to be for yourself is possible the hardest thing to do...But I am here and the coffe is always on[emoji3]

Take care

Liz


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I feel the need to provide an update today, I'll keep it short.

Things are going well at the moment, I have had some down periods since my last post but I think that was due to questioning my motives for GCS and uncertainty regarding my situation with my wife. The good news is my wife has stated she is not going anywhere and we still love each other, hearing that was like lifting a tonne of weight off my shoulders, I feel very blessed to have her and my family.

I have lost 26lbs since Christmas, only 23lbs to reach my GCS target weight which is in 208 days, 17 hours time (not that I'm super excited or anything)

Hormones are stable and feeling good, I don't see many changes physically but I have gone up a bra size, I now am in a C cup. My hair is recovering after the testosterone disaster late last year which made a lot fall out.

Apologies for not posting sooner or joining in more on the forum, I find reading too many posts triggering and have had to take a step back to keep my mood more stable, I'm hoping after GCS my dysphoria will not rage so hard and I'll be able to contribute more.

After approximately 50 hours electrolysis I finally feel comfortable going out bare face, picture from today below without makeup.

I'm loving wearing dresses at the moment but since it is getting cold here that will soon end.

Hugs to all,

Nicole

(https://www.nbwright.com/susans/Apr2019.jpg)

Hi Nicole
Lovely to have an update from you not of course that I would have any clue what is going in you life...its not like we have coffee or anything LOL Great to see you posting hope we might see you this week??

Liz,

I do enjoy catching up with you and Cindy, you both help keep things grounded for me. I'd love to catch up this week, I'll message you both.

Hugs,

Nicole

Nicole,

It warms my heart to hear that your wife as committed to your future together.

Hugs and blessings to you both,
Stevi

Coffee? Someone say coffee? :icon_blahblah: :icon_yes:

Thank you Stevi, I would say a large proportion of my anxiety concerned my relationship with my wife and the affect my transition was having on our relationship. While I appreciate that nothing is ever certain in life, knowing that she isn't just waiting for the right time to leave me (or so I was thinking) is a huge relief.

I feel very blessed to have her with me on this journey, it has not been easy for her and speaks for the beautiful person she is.

Nicole