As many others have done lately, I have decided to start my own transition thread. I have several important events coming up and I want to keep them all in one place. Hopefully some of you will find a flower of wisdom or encouragement among the thorns.
I joined Susan's the day I started HRT, 23 March 2017. My intro post is here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,221652.msg1962981.html#msg1962981
My four month HRT update, on my birthday!
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,226485.msg2007568.html#msg2007568
I came out to my manager on National Coming Out day, 11 Oct https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,229369.msg2036456.html#msg2036456
I came out to a co-worker two days later:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,229443.msg2037314.html#msg2037314
After Eight months on HRT:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,231351.msg2057302.html#msg2057302
I needed some help telling my daughters:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,232014.msg2064368.html#msg2064368
I came out to my daughters the day after Christmas:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,232173.msg2066143.html#msg2066143
I also had a trachea shave in Jan 2018:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,232477.msg2069882.html#msg2069882
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,232968.msg2074627.html#msg2074627
...and I recently realized that I don't need to be beautiful to be happy:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,233040.msg2075790.html#msg2075790
I started working on a name change in November. I sent my paperwork in for an FBI background check, and yesterday I submitted the request for a background check in Colorado. I was asked to indicate what my new name was going to be. I had given my daughters a short list of names I was considering and asked them what they liked. They both liked Jessica Rose, so that is what I put on the form.
In the past I would sometimes refrain from posting something because I did not want it to seem like I was hijacking someone's thread, but with my own thread I will probably post more about the day-to-day happenings in my life. Comments are welcome.
I love your name! I'm looking forward to reading your future exploits.
Hugs from anther Jessica
Yup, I will be watching this one too.
Bari Jo
Tomorrow I am going to a different laser hair removal salon - Milan. I had been going to Ideal Image and am seeing great results, but Milan is about 30% cheaper so I thought I would give them a try. Ideal Image is taking care of my back and face, while Milan will be doing my legs and stomach. HRT has thinned out my body hair, but there is still too much for my liking. Milan wants everything shaved before I visit them, which I should probably be doing anyway.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 17, 2018, 11:13:40 PM
Tomorrow I am going to a different laser hair removal salon - Milan. I had been going to Ideal Image and am seeing great results, but Milan is about 30% cheaper so I thought I would give them a try. Ideal Image is taking care of my back and face, while Milan will be doing my legs and stomach. HRT has thinned out my body hair, but there is still too much for my liking. Milan wants everything shaved before I visit them, which I should probably be doing anyway.
Hi Jessica 🙋♀️ You seem to be about 5 months in front of me with HT. I have noticed nearly hairless areas on my lower legs in the last month and I'm hoping for more of the same. What has been your experience with body hair loss from hormones?
Another sister Jess
Just want to say I'll be dropping in to read of your adventures too Jessica.
Hugs,
Laurie
Got an emergency call from my daughter in Wisconsin last night. She lives by herself in an apartment. The smoke detector was beeping because the battery was dead. The detector was wired into the apartment power and she was worried that if she unplugged it that it would set off all of the smoke detectors in the complex - a valid concern! I had her send me a photo of the detector so I could see the wires. Black, white, red. The black and white wires were for power, so I figured the red wire was the interconnect. Luckily the red wire just had an insulator cap at the end, it was not plugged in, so unplugging the detector was safe. After that all was well, so we talked about her job and my transition. I asked her if she had noticed any change in my behavior when she visited around Christmas, and she said she had noticed a huge change - I was much calmer and generally just much friendlier. She even helped me pick out some boots from Long Tall Sally.
As for hair loss on HRT, I was somewhat hairy to start with. Not as nearly as hairy as Robin Williams, maybe about like Tom Selleck. The hair on my chest has thinned out dramatically, now I just have a little strip right down the middle of my chest. I am hopeful HRT will take care of the rest. I still have a light coating of hair on my stomach, probably about 30 - 40% of what it used to be. Pubic hair was way down also, again around 30% of what it used to be. The hair on my legs has gone down by about 40% and has not seemed to change much over the last several months. Arm hair is definitely thinner and lighter, probably about an 80% reduction. I use a beard trimmer to shorten it about once a week and it is pretty much invisible.
The folks at Milan Laser were really nice. In spite of my state of undress, they were professional and made me feel comfortable at all times. It took about and hour and several hundred jabs with the light sabre to cover my legs and stomach. Using the laser on the inside of my upper thighs was actually not too bad, the most painful area was about halfway down the back of my thighs. Upper lip electrolysis with no anesthetic still wins.
Based on the multiple painful procedures many of us undergo while transitioning, someone needs to make a t-shirt with something like this on it:
It takes a strong, tough man with lots of stamina and courage to become a woman!
Let's face it, no one would go through all of this on a whim. It is not a comfortable process physically or mentally, but the reward at the end is worth the pain - to finally be at peace with ourselves.
Cathy is my electrologist. She is also the first person I came out to. She was a stranger when we met, but now she is one of my best friends. Her acceptance, wisdom, and guidance have been a tremendous help during my journey. It just shows that sometimes support may come from the most unexpected places. I am so much at ease with her that I sometimes fall asleep during my treatments.
The day after my trachea shave I went in for an electrolysis appointment. Yes, I am really determined to get rid of my facial hair. Cathy was working on my upper lip. I asked her about the setting she was using because it was not feeling it, she looked at the settings, then looked back at me...
Cathy: 'What medication are you taking?'
Me: 'Percocet ...pause... Oh, yeah.'
Cathy got a good laugh out of that.
Jessica Rose told me in no uncertain terms that she is ready. The feeling really hit me hard yesterday. I posted a plea for help and received several responses. I wanted to add it to this thread for reference:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,233153.msg2077639.html#msg2077639
I am heading up to the expediter in an hour or so. They claim I will have the background investigation back within a week. Then I get to figure out our local court system for my name change. My doctor already told me she will provide the letter for changing my gender marker once I start the name change process.
I just had my first ever male fail!
My wife and I went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant we had never been to. I was wearing ladies jeans with a men's polo shirt and a ladies jacket. I was not trying to hide my hair, which has gone feral after a year without a trim, and I did not have any makeup on. Once we were seated the waiter came over and addressed us as 'senoritas'! I started smiling instantly. It took my wife a few seconds before she realized what happened, then she began to smile and giggle. Needless to say we left a big tip.
I guess I am further along in my journey than I thought!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 20, 2018, 01:27:59 PM
I just had my first ever mail fail!
My wife and I went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant we had never been to. I was wearing ladies jeans with a men's polo shirt and a ladies jacket. I was not trying to hide my hair, which has gone feral after a year without a trim, and I did not have any makeup on. Once we were seated the waiter came over and addressed us as 'senoritas'! I started smiling instantly. It took my wife a few seconds before she realized what happened, then she began to smile and giggle. Needless to say we left a big tip.
I guess I am further along in my journey than I thought!
Wow! How wonderful is that. I'm so happy for you. I hope to male fail someday. It is certainly time for full time Jessica Rose.
Smiles, another Jessica
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 20, 2018, 01:27:59 PM
I just had my first ever mail fail!
My wife and I went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant we had never been to. I was wearing ladies jeans with a men's polo shirt and a ladies jacket. I was not trying to hide my hair, which has gone feral after a year without a trim, and I did not have any makeup on. Once we were seated the waiter came over and addressed us as 'senoritas'! I started smiling instantly. It took my wife a few seconds before she realized what happened, then she began to smile and giggle. Needless to say we left a big tip.
I guess I am further along in my journey than I thought!
This gave me a big smile. I'm so happy reading of experiences like this. I hope you have many more and often.
Bari Jo
Jessica Rose!!!
☘️🍀🌲🌴🌱🌿🍃🍀☘️🌴🍃🌿🍃🌿🌱🍀☘️🌲🌿🍃🌱🌿🍀🌲🌳🌴🌱🍃🌿🌱🍀🍀☘️🌱🌲☘️🍀🍃
🌷🌹🌸🌺🌼🌻🌷🌺🌸🌻🌷🌺🌸🌷🌻🌹🌸🌼🌻🌷🌹🌺🌻🌸🌻🌺🌸🌷🌼🌺🌻🌸🌺🌻🌷🌹🌺🌸
🌺🌻🌸🌺🌼🌹🌷🌼🌸🌻🌺🌷🌸🌼❤️🌹🌸🌻🌺🌷🌸🌹🌻🌸🌼🌷🌺🌼🌹❤️🌻🌸🌺🌷🌻🌼🌸🌹
This is my first visit to "The Garden"... I have to tell you dear sister... I love what you have done so far with this little patch of previously barren earth.... I think some really beautiful things are taking root here and I look forward to seeing things in full and glorious bloom!!!
🌺🌸🌼🌹🌻🌷🌺🌸🌻🌷🌺🌹🌼🌸🌻🌼🌹🌸🌼🌹🌻🌷🌺🌸🌼🌻🌹🌷🌺❤️🌻🌻🌼🌹🌺🌷🌻🌸
🌻🌸🌼🌷❤️🌷🌻🌷🌸🌺🌼🌹🌹🌷🌻🌷🌸🌷🌻🌺🌸🌻🌷🌼🌷🌹🌻🌹🌷🌸🌺🌼🌷🌻🌸🌺🌻🌷
🌿🌱🌿🌱☘️🍀🍃🌿🌱☘️🌴🌿🌱☘️🌲🍃🌾💐☘️🌱🌿🍀💐☘️🍀🌳🌱🍀☘️🌲🌳🌴🌿🍀☘️🌱🌴🍀
Onward we go my friend!!!
Ashley 😀❤️🌻
It seems like changes have really accelerated for me lately. Even though the changes are making me ecstatically happy, it also means my world will be turning upside down soon (hopefully I won't be wearing a skirt when that happens). It is a weird combination of fright and joy, and I am loving every minute of it. After only feeling anger for most of the last forty years, these new emotions are a joyful change. I know it will not be an easy time for me, but with support from the good people here at Susan's I know I will make it through and I will become a much happier person.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 20, 2018, 09:09:42 PM
It seems like changes have really accelerated for me lately. Even though the changes are making me ecstatically happy, it also means my world will be turning upside down soon (hopefully I won't be wearing a skirt when that happens). It is a weird combination of fright and joy, and I am loving every minute of it. After only feeling anger for most of the last forty years, these new emotions are a joyful change. I know it will not be an easy time for me, but with support from the good people here at Susan's I know I will make it through and I will become a much happier person.
I'm excited for you Jess, I feel like someone greased my wheels too, and it is a scary/wonderful feeling.
I have never posted this anywhere. It is the letter I gave my wife when I came out to her. From a personal standpoint I chose a really inappropriate day, Feb 12 2017. Not only is it right between my wife's birthday and Valentine's Day, but it is also the anniversary of our engagement. I had been trying to get up enough courage for weeks. I could not read it to her. I gave it to my wife while we were in bed together. It did not go well. I fell asleep crying, wondering if I had just destroyed my marriage. There were several nights over the next few months when we slept in different rooms. It was not until I convinced my wife to see a therapist with me that she began to understand. Our relationship is far from perfect, but it is healing. I think we will be OK.
FYI - The incident with my father happened around 1973 or 1974.
I have wanted to say this for weeks, but there is no way I could ever get the words out. I need to tell you something...
I cannot think of anyone else I would rather spend the rest of my life with. You have put up with me through good times and bad, and there have been many times when you have accepted some exceptionally poor behavior on my part. Through it all you have been by my side, you have been a wonderful mother to our daughters and my best friend. I don't want any of this to change.
I finally figured out why I get frustrated easily and have such a quick temper. I have been hiding and suppressing my emotions for over 40 years and it has reached the point where I have to make some changes in my life so I can be truly happy with myself. I have finally accepted that I am transgender.
It started when I was 11-12 years old. I remember going to bed each night wishing that I would wake up and be a girl. I really did not understand all of the differences between boy and girls then, but I knew I did not like being a boy. There was one a memorable occasion when my Dad threatened to castrate me, make me wear a dress, then walk me up and down our street on a leash. I do not remember what triggered his threat, but needless to say it was pretty scary to a pre-teen boy.
I did my best to fit in through grade school and college. Although I had some friends, I was never very popular. I was a geek long before that became something cool. I was always sort of a loner. I also had not given up on being a girl, I always had some articles of female clothing hidden around somewhere. Just having it near seemed to help. On a few occasions my parents discovered my 'collection', and needless to say they were less than thrilled. Having you in my life made all the difference in the world.
We got married, which was the best day of my life. We crossed the country while I was in the Air Force and we had two beautiful daughters. On the surface everything was awesome, but I was always followed by my desire to be something I knew I could never be, a female.
Around 2001 - 2002 I had convinced myself that it was time for me to become a woman. However after thinking about what it could do to our family I decided to suppress my feelings and keep 'her' hidden. It was depressing and caused a lot of anxiety and anger, but I still had some female clothing that helped me cope.
Our daughters are grown, I have a stable career, and I have a wife who deserves so much more that what I have given her. I have finally reached the point in my life when I can become what I have always wanted to be. I am tired of holding in my emotions. I need to be able to express more than just happiness and anger, and I can't do that as I am. I know this will have a profound effect on our lives, but I think it will bring us closer together. I need to start the journey and see what changes it may bring, and I need you by my side.
I love you.
I am just catching up on your thread. It sounds like you are right on the cusp of where this ride starts to get good. There will be more ups and downs, but where you are is where the joy begins.
That is a very nice coming out letter. I am glad that your relationship has stabilized and is going well now.
Congratulations on the male fail! ;D
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 19, 2018, 05:25:02 AM
Me: 'Percocet ...pause... Oh, yeah.'
Oh yeah, indeed! :D
I received a note from the FBI 'channeler' last night. My FBI background report is in the mail! I should also receive my state report by the end of the week. Once I have these in hand I can submit my name change petition. A little over a year ago I never even dreamed that I would do something like this, now the reality is at hand. Soon I will be a glorious emotional mess, and I will love and cherish every minute of it!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 23, 2018, 05:28:25 AM
A little over a year ago I never even dreamed that I would do something like this, now the reality is at hand. Soon I will be a glorious emotional mess, and I will love and cherish every minute of it!
It is incredible that thoughts can change so dramatically. Is because of the hormones or just the relief. I think both. Though, as soon as I heard my transition was covered by my insurance , the thoughts long suppressed came immediately to the surface. That's when my thoughts changed.
Hi Ms. Rose,
You are indeed making progress. I wait to read that you not only have submitted the name change paperwork but that you have finished it and are legally Jessica Rose. I myself have other issues to contend with and a sticking point to resolve before I can even ask for one myself. Sometimes I feel that I'm being left behind with every step my sisters here take. But I am happy to be part of their celebrations. Keep going girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Jessica on January 23, 2018, 09:31:42 AM
It is incredible that thoughts can change so dramatically. Is because of the hormones or just the relief. I think both. Though, as soon as I heard my transition was covered by my insurance , the thoughts long suppressed came immediately to the surface. That's when my thoughts changed.
That really is a difficult questions. I think I started out with testosterone on the high end of the scale, which could have driven much of my anger. HRT has certainly helped with that. However I found incredible relief from finally being able to confide in others about the secret I had been hiding for so long. I have also began to find the beauty in emotions, even from the start of HRT emotions (other than anger) are what I craved the most.
No too long after I came out to a co-worker we went out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant. My fortune cookie had this note:
'An investment in yourself will pay dividends for the rest of your life.'
We were both amazed about how appropriate that was.
Although my insurance will cover GCS it will not cover 'cosmetic' procedures, like my trachea shave, BA, or the majority of hair removal. I had to refinance my house, but it is still some of the best money I have ever spent.
Quote from: Laurie on January 23, 2018, 02:09:46 PM
Sometimes I feel that I'm being left behind with every step my sisters here take. But I am happy to be part of their celebrations. Keep going girl.
We are all pulling for you Laurie. Your wisdom and support have helped many at Susan's, including me. You have made a lot of progress, and someday soon the time will come when you will make some great strides towards your goal. Just have faith in yourself, as we have faith in you.
Out to another manager! We had a re-org at work and I got a new manager. I feel lucky because he was my manager about 4 - 5 years ago and we got along very well. I sent him a note last week saying 'We need to talk. I have something amazing and beautiful to tell you about.' I saw him about an hour before our scheduled meeting and he said he was dying to know what it was, but I made him wait. The meeting went smoothly. As expected he was somewhat surprised by my announcement. This time I was able to read through my letter with only a few pauses. I am getting more comfortable coming out, but it will always be emotional. He mentioned that he appreciated the background information, he did not realize that suppressing my true self could cause so much anger. I realize that some people may consider a few of my comments TMI, but I don't just want to come out. This is something rare and beautiful to me, and I don't want to let the occasion pass without educating a few people along the way. The letter is similar to the one I sent my first manager in October, but parts of it are different enough that I wanted to post it.
First let me allay some of your concerns. I love working here and plan to stay until I retire, which will hopefully be another 10 years or so. I enjoy my work, and I consider everyone I work with to be a friend.
There is something wonderful I must tell you about, but first I need to give you some background. Most of my life I have known that I was different, but it was a feeling I could not easily describe. Starting in my early teens social and family pressure forced me to suppress my feelings and emotions, so I was unable to express who I really am. This led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased through the years. Although my life seemed normal on the outside, there was always a darkness hiding just below the surface. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. Although I learned to partially control my temper, the source of my pain remained a mystery.
Life is a journey, and my journey has taken an unexpected turn. Last December I found a site where people shared their personal journeys. I was fascinated because I saw myself in so many of them -- the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I kept reading their journeys I had an epiphany -- I suddenly realized that I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. They were not tears of sadness, sorrow, or shame, they were tears of happiness, joy, and relief. I finally understood. I had discovered the truth that I had been hiding from everyone, including myself. I have been living my life under a set of rules that were not designed for me. You know the adage 'The truth shall set you free'? I have hidden from the truth far too long, and it will soon be time set myself free. I discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they agreed on the diagnosis -- I have gender dysphoria. I am, and always have been, transgender.
I started hormone therapy in March of last year. Since then my cloud of darkness has dissipated, along with my anger. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and happiness. For a long time I was not sure when I would begin my transition, I believed that one day I would wake up and realize my time had finally arrived. I was right. That day occurred last Friday, Jan 29th. On my drive to work that morning I had an emotional experience which was indescribably beautiful. My hands were numb and I was shaking for nearly two hours. I took that as a sign that I am ready. I am now working quickly to complete my initial transition. I expect that by the end of February everything will be in place and it will be time to say goodbye to 'John'.
I have spent over forty years of my life hiding the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now it is time for me to release my soul from the darkness and allow her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again. Let me introduce myself, I am Jessica Rose.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 24, 2018, 06:17:36 PM
Out to another manager! We had a re-org at work and I got a new manager. I feel lucky because he was my manager about 4 - 5 years ago and we got along very well. I sent him a note last week saying 'We need to talk. I have something amazing and beautiful to tell you about.' I saw him about an hour before our scheduled meeting and he said he was dying to know what it was, but I made him wait. The meeting went smoothly. As expected he was somewhat surprised by my announcement. This time I was able to read through my letter with only a few pauses. I am getting more comfortable coming out, but it will always be emotional. He mentioned that he appreciated the background information, he did not realize that suppressing my true self could cause so much anger. I realize that some people may consider a few of my comments TMI, but I don't just want to come out. This is something rare and beautiful to me, and I don't want to let the occasion pass without educating a few people along the way. The letter is similar to the one I sent my first manager in October, but parts of it are different enough that I wanted to post it.
First let me allay some of your concerns. I love working here and plan to stay until I retire, which will hopefully be another 10 years or so. I enjoy my work, and I consider everyone I work with to be a friend.
There is something wonderful I must tell you about, but first I need to give you some background. Most of my life I have known that I was different, but it was a feeling I could not easily describe. Starting in my early teens social and family pressure forced me to suppress my feelings and emotions, so I was unable to express who I really am. This led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased through the years. Although my life seemed normal on the outside, there was always a darkness hiding just below the surface. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. Although I learned to partially control my temper, the source of my pain remained a mystery.
Life is a journey, and my journey has taken an unexpected turn. Last December I found a site where people shared their personal journeys. I was fascinated because I saw myself in so many of them -- the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I kept reading their journeys I had an epiphany -- I suddenly realized that I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. They were not tears of sadness, sorrow, or shame, they were tears of happiness, joy, and relief. I finally understood. I had discovered the truth that I had been hiding from everyone, including myself. I have been living my life under a set of rules that were not designed for me. You know the adage 'The truth shall set you free'? I have hidden from the truth far too long, and it will soon be time set myself free. I discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they agreed on the diagnosis -- I have gender dysphoria. I am, and always have been, transgender.
I started hormone therapy in March of last year. Since then my cloud of darkness has dissipated, along with my anger. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and happiness. For a long time I was not sure when I would begin my transition, I believed that one day I would wake up and realize my time had finally arrived. I was right. That day occurred last Friday, Jan 29th. On my drive to work that morning I had an emotional experience which was indescribably beautiful. My hands were numb and I was shaking for nearly two hours. I took that as a sign that I am ready. I am now working quickly to complete my initial transition. I expect that by the end of February everything will be in place and it will be time to say goodbye to 'John'.
I have spent over forty years of my life hiding the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now it is time for me to release my soul from the darkness and allow her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again. Let me introduce myself, I am Jessica Rose.
Another step towards freedom!
This is an even bigger step! Yesterday I sent my doctor a note telling her I planned to start the name change process within the next week, and I asked her about some paperwork I would need to change my gender marker. I just got her response:
I just wanted to let you know that I went ahead and got the Medical Information Form for the gender marker change ready for you to pick up here in office.
Jessica Rose will take some time off work tomorrow to get that piece of paper so she can soon tell the world that she is indeed a woman!!! This is so fantastically beautifully amazing. I'm crying. I love it!!!
Congratulations Jessica. (((Hug)))
Laurie
I'm so happy for you!
I scored a trifecta this morning!
1 - First time ever out in public as Jessica Rose! She had to make a special trip up to Denver.
2 - Of course when I arrived I had to use the bathroom. The only obvious choice was my first ever visit to the ladies room!
3 - Picked up a sheet of paper signed by my doctor. In part it says:
"Based on the patient's gender identity and full time gender role expression, my professional opinion is that this person's gender is: FEMALE"
Not even my facial laser hair removal treatment this afternoon will wipe the smile off my face!!!
Now I'm even happier for you!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 25, 2018, 12:40:26 PM
"Based on the patient's gender identity and full time gender role expression, my professional opinion is that this person's gender is: FEMALE"
It's a girl!! Congratulations!
Hi Jessica,
That first time out in public where you have to interact with ugh "People" is a daunting task. It truly is a victory for you having done it. Next challenge go to get gas at a freeway service station / truck stop, I mean one of those bigger ones, while in Jessica mode. Then pull up to the pump, get out to pump your gas and lock yourself out with your keys in the ignition and the spare in your purse which is right there sitting on the passenger seat. No that's what I call FUN!! And oh make sure you do it in a different state sever states away from home. Loads of fun I tell ya, loads!
I will admit to restrooms and trying on clothes in a dressing room are still a problem for me so congrats for you Hun.
As for picking up that paper, well that is just plain awesome.
Did I see something about Denver? You're another on in Colorado??? Well heck, I'll either have to avoid Colorado on my road trips or plan on several days to visit all of you just to be fair. You are the 5th gal I know in Colorado and I know at least that many in Florida.
Hugs girl,
Laurie
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 25, 2018, 03:32:09 PM
It's a girl!! Congratulations!
Wow! This is so awesome! Congratulations your a girl!!!
Quote from: Jessica on January 25, 2018, 04:23:19 PM
Wow! This is so awesome! Congratulations your a girl!!!
I watched that new TV series Britainia and girls become women, so no girls on this site, only women.
Quote from: Jessica on January 24, 2018, 06:24:49 PM
Another step towards freedom!
Awesome!
I have had minor anger issues or I have tended (unknown to me) to be non-approachable. After I came to the realization of who I truly was and I happened to be looking at some photos when I was young, I didn't see a happy person there. I do now.
And I'm also very happy for you.
Congratulations Jessica, such a big step. You had better get used to that smile being stuck on your face, I doubt that it will be going away anytime soon.
Tia Anne
OK Tia Anne, you asked for it...the first ever avatar for Jessica Rose. Just a little concealer and some lipstick. Taken just a few minutes after officially becoming a female! And yes, I am still smiling!
I may not be pretty, but I am beautiful.
Jessica Rose congratulation on all the wonderful steps you have been taking. Wish you all the luck in the world.
Moni
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 25, 2018, 06:10:29 PM
OK Tia Anne, you asked for it...the first ever avatar for Jessica Rose. Just a little concealer and some lipstick. Taken just a few minutes after officially becoming a female! And yes, I am still smiling!
I may not be pretty, but I am beautiful.
You are beautiful Jessica!
The glow that you are showing is what beauty is all about! Go girl!
Tia Anne
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 25, 2018, 06:10:29 PM
OK Tia Anne, you asked for it...the first ever avatar for Jessica Rose. Just a little concealer and some lipstick. Taken just a few minutes after officially becoming a female! And yes, I am still smiling!
I may not be pretty, but I am beautiful.
You are indeed beautiful, and you have a fantastic smile!
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 25, 2018, 07:39:07 PM
You are indeed beautiful, and you have a fantastic smile!
It is indeed amazing what happens when your mind and body are finally using the right type of fuel. That smile is new, it just came out of nowhere about a month ago...about the same time I came out to my daughters...I wonder if there is a connection?
Thanks everyone for your compliments. Today is the first time I ever had enough confidence in my appearance to post a photo of myself. When I look in the mirror I really don't see much, but I do think I look nice in the photo.
There's My Beautiful Sister!!!!!!! ❤️😀🌻
The pieces are all coming together. I received my FBI background report Thursday evening, and my Colorado background report arrived this evening. I now have all the paperwork I need to file a name change petition! Hopefully the government shutdown set for 8 Feb will not get in my way, it would really make Jessica Rose upset!
Since I already put up one photo, I decided I may as well show a 'before' shot also. The 'before' was taken about a week after I started HRT, the 'after' was last week after 10 months HRT. I think I am looking just a little bit nicer!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5WWYwx7.jpg&hash=d22a3d73630c43aad5636beca8fb9c1162a1ff2c) (https://imgur.com/5WWYwx7)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKZIAvOT.jpg&hash=1404c99981eb93dcaa513d4f9e88ec9aee4822eb) (https://imgur.com/KZIAvOT)
... and HAPPIER 😀
Today was Jessica's second time out in the world. I went shopping my wife. Just used a little concealer and some lipstick. I wore dark blue ladies jeans, a dark red ladies turtleneck, and a snug black and grey lightweight ladies jacket. We went to Walmart (everybody fits in at Walmart), Panino's for lunch, World Market, Kohl's (I really needed a pretty purse!), and Target before stopping for gas on the way home. We were out in public for about 7 hours. I was apprehensive about every place we visited, and it was mentally exhausting. Trying to act like I belonged there, using my best voice and not trying to hide.
Guess what? I did not notice any stares or receive any rude comments or insults. No one seemed to notice or care. My wife and I enjoyed it. The world did not come to an end. It was awesomely uneventful. No matter the weather, it was a beautifully gorgeous day.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 27, 2018, 06:17:16 PM
Today was Jessica's second time out in the world. I went shopping my wife. Just used a little concealer and some lipstick. I wore dark blue ladies jeans, a dark red ladies turtleneck, and a snug black and grey lightweight ladies jacket. We went to Walmart (everybody fits in at Walmart), Panino's for lunch, World Market, Kohl's (I really needed a pretty purse!), and Target before stopping for gas on the way home. We were out in public for about 7 hours. I was apprehensive about every place we visited, and it was mentally exhausting. Trying to act like I belonged there, using my best voice and not trying to hide.
Guess what? I did not notice any stares or receive any rude comments or insults. No one seemed to notice or care. My wife and I enjoyed it. The world did not come to an end. It was awesomely uneventful. No matter the weather, it was a beautifully gorgeous day.
The treasure of womanhood - everyone gets ignored. Awesome day you had says we!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 27, 2018, 06:17:16 PM
Guess what? I did not notice any stares or receive any rude comments or insults. No one seemed to notice or care. My wife and I enjoyed it. The world did not come to an end. It was awesomely uneventful. No matter the weather, it was a beautifully gorgeous day.
Hey Jessica Rose!!!!
Congrats on a wonderful day dear sister!!!... Get use to your thoughts above... It is funny how very much we go through and put ourselves through...just to live a mundane life!... But that is part of this journey... it makes us appreciate a simple day of shopping in ways other people will never get to know, enjoy or truly understand... Bask in the glow sister!... Look in the mirror and smile at the woman looking back... She is an amazing woman on an amazing journey where there is no such thing as mundane!
I am honored to call you my sister!!!
Onward we go....
Ashley 😀🌻❤️
I'm exceptionally anxious right now. Jessica Rose is heading to the County Courthouse early this morning to be there when it opens. I will be filing my petition for a legal name change. Although John could go, it just would not feel right. I still feel like all eyes are upon me whenever I go out as Jessica Rose, which is a feeling that is hard to ignore. Maybe it is because I feel like an imposter, John masquerading as Jessica Rose? Hopefully once the name change is complete the tables will be turned - I will truly be Jessica Rose, and John will be the imposter.
Well, I survived the Courthouse. I only wore a light, snug jacket to make my 'accessories' more obvious. Unfortunately I got there 15 minutes early, they would not open the doors until 7:30am, and it was only 23 degrees. Brrrrr. A least I was first in line! All the papers were in order, so I paid my $100 filing fee and went home.
I did notice a few folks looking at me, but I did not receive any odd looks or comments. So far everyone has been courteous. I took a half-day of vacation for my Courthouse visit, and my manager OK'd me working from home the rest of the day so I will be able to stay dressed. It will provide an opportunity to visit my electrologist as Jessica Rose for the first time.
Good for you Jessica. Getting out in public where you have to interact with "people" is indeed nervie racking at the beginning. I have a sure fire way if getting over those nerves though.. Take a month long road trip mostly if not completely en femme. Throw in several stops to visit other folk here and that'll do it. That is what I did and when I returned home I just never again donned my male garb. Yep I began living full time before I was half way to my destination. But then you knew that already since you were one of my lurking fan. You can do this Jessica.
Hugs,
Laurie
It is so close now. Finally becoming Jessica Rose for real. It was just over a year ago that I realized and accepted I was transgender. In a way it seems like a dream. My life is now rushing forward to that moment when I can finally let her out of the darkness where she has been locked away all of these years. Just thinking about it scares me, I truly do not know what I will do or how I will react. What happens when over forty years of emotions are finally released? That moment will be frighteningly beautiful. Jessica Rose will finally come into the light, and she will find peace.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 29, 2018, 10:28:40 PM
What happens when over forty years of emotions are finally released? That moment will be frighteningly beautiful. Jessica Rose will finally come into the light, and she will find peace.
Yes you will... You will make this world your own dear sister!!!
Onward we go Jessica Rose!
A 😀❤️🌻
I cannot believe this. My name change petition came in the mail today. Tomorrow morning I will visit the local newspaper to get the change published. On Monday I should be able to pick up the publication affidavit and get my final decree from the court. If all goes well, I could officially become Jessica Rose on Monday!!!!!
Last week after I picked up my 'gender marker' form I sent a note to my doctor along with a copy of my avatar photo:
I picked the form up this morning, and I am still smiling. You have helped changed my life from one filled with anger to one filled with joy. I cannot ever thank you enough. I hope this isn't a misuse of the system, but I wanted you to see how happy you have made me...
I received a response from my doctor today:
So glad Jessica. You just made my day. I have been getting caught up after having to leave the office last Thursday for a family emergency. Back in office yesterday but buried in messages - yours 'made my day' too.
Hi Honey,
I have just caught up with your posts and WOW. Well done darling!!
Your Doctor sounds a really nice person as do the people where you are living. That does make life so much easier.
Your facial and hair changes are going really well and I love the smile.
I often think the measure of transition is in the eyes and that is so true for your picture, You have gone from the dead look to a sparkle and that is gorgeous to see.
Thank you for your lovely posts! They have cheered me up no end. :-*
Thank you Cindy. It is people like you who give many of us the inspiration to begin our own journey. You have had a much more difficult path than the majority of us, yet you persevere with grace and dignity. I still have a lot to learn about myself, but the wisdom and knowledge of those who preceded me will help guide me through the inevitable storms. Thanks again to you Cindy, and to all of the other beautiful people who contribute their words to this site.
Hi Jessica, wow you are doing some big steps. I look up to your becoming your true self and with such poise.
Bari Jo
Poise? Well that does not come easily. Some days when an important transition-related event occurs it takes everything I have to appear calm and confident on the outside, because inside I want to curl into a quivering ball! I have a feeling Monday and Tuesday will be extremely difficult. The support and encouragement I get here is a tremendous help.
I visited our newspaper publisher today. My legal notice for the name change will run in the paper Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Luckily the notice does not include my address, and I live in an area with a population over 500,000. If anyone at work mentions the notice I'll just say 'Wow, someone else in this town has my name!' If all goes well, I will officially be Jessica Rose on Monday. I will not be going to work that day, but I may well have trouble driving home from the courthouse.
Tuesday I should be able to go to the DMV for my driver's license. Not only will my license have my new name, but it will also have my new gender marker. I will work from home that day so I can be dressed appropriately when I go to the DMV after work (around 2:30pm). That will be another huge day.
The HR folks at my company want to be here when I make the announcement, and most of them are in another state so they need to make travel plans. This pushes my coming out day to 16 Feb (I want to do it on a Friday). I can tell everyone here at Susan's as soon as it is official, but it means I will officially be a woman named Jessica Rose for 12 days before I can tell anyone at work. Arghhhh!!!
That's exciting, Jessica! Good luck with all the bureaucratic stuff!
I understand the frustration of having to hold off on telling everyone, but the time will fly by.
I realize this is rather mundane, but I never really thought much about it before. For over 33 years our return address labels have always read 'John & Susan'. My name has always been first. I just ordered some new labels, and to give my wife some of the long overdue respect she rightfully deserves the labels will read 'Susan & Jessica Rose'.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 02, 2018, 08:45:15 PM
I realize this is rather mundane, but I never really thought much about it before. For over 33 years our return address labels have always read 'John & Susan'. My name has always been first. I just ordered some new labels, and to give my wife some of the long overdue respect she rightfully deserves the labels will read 'Susan & Jessica Rose'.
that's not mundane, that's awesome!
Bari Jo
I think it is a sweet gesture Kelly Jessica.
Who is Kelly, and how did she get into my garden!?!? ???
Well, it is a public garden. Everyone is welcome to drop by and spend as much time as they like.
I did not sleep much last night, maybe it was the thought of waking up to this legal notice in the morning paper:
In the Matter of the Petition of Adult: John Richard XXXXXX For a Change of Name to: Jessica Rose XXXXXX. Public notice is given on January 30, 2018 that a Petition for a Change of Name of an Adult has been filed with the County Court. The Petition requests that the name of: John Richard XXXXXX be changed to: Jessica Rose XXXXXX.'
I personally do not know anyone who has ever done this. I have no frame of reference. I just feel empty and somewhat lost. I look back at all of the damage along the road John travelled and I know taking that left turn a year ago was the right decision, I do not regret it for one second. It is like I am in a foreign land without a map, and my GPS has failed. There are no road signs to tell me where to go, and even if there were I do not know the language. Mentally I know the steps I still need to take, but emotionally I am lost.
Congratulations on taking this road less traveled it is bumpy there are no signs and a lot of unexpected curves but the sun does shine and the birds sing it is a truly wonderful path
bobbisue :)
Just got back from another shopping trip with my wife. We went to California Pizza Kitchen for lunch, then wandered around an auction house for about 3 hours before hitting Target. I did catch one or two people checking me out, but none of them made any comments or odd facial expressions that I noticed.
I occasionally use PortraitPro Studio software to clean up photos. It uses facial recognition to decide if the face being edited is male, female, boy, or girl. I just tried it on this photo (I did not make any edits), and it decided I am a female. Maybe I really am getting closer than I think.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwWoZ1Vb.jpg&hash=87170b3fac70258fc54d7bc5fc29e5b01208fb76) (https://imgur.com/wWoZ1Vb)
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 03, 2018, 05:58:03 AM
Who is Kelly, and how did she get into my garden!?!? ???
Well, it is a public garden. Everyone is welcome to drop by and spend as much time as they like.
ARRRRRG Must have been another sometimers attack Jessica. I fixed it.
Hugs,
Laurie
I had some other errands to run, but I wanted to make a quick announcement earlier today. I am now legally Jessica Rose:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,233861.msg2086812.html#msg2086812
As Paul Harvey used to say -- and now, here's the rest of the story...
My introductory post to Susan's on 28 March 2017 started off with this:
Hello everyone. My name is Jessica Rose, or at least that is what I hope it will be in a few years.
Well, I blew that timeline. When submitted that post I as nervous and as scared as just about everyone else. I had started HRT only a few days earlier, and I was uncertain and even frightened of my future. As time passed I found many posts on Susan's that helped me understand more about myself, some posts provided encouragement, and others instilled confidence. I could not have made it this far so quickly without the help of this community. Thank you.
When the day started I was not sure what would happen. My legal notice for the name change was supposed to be published Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. The legal requirement is for three publish dates within 20 days. It was in the paper on Saturday, but not Sunday or Monday. I called the paper as soon as their office opened to find out what happened. Apparently their system 'kicked out' my notice after the first day. I was assured they would fix it and run the notice on Tuesday and Wednesday. I was concerned about the looming government shutdown set for 8 February, so I asked about my affidavit which was required to show proof of publication. They replied 'Oh, we already printed it out. You can pick it up anytime'. Yea! Next stop, County Court.
I drove to the courthouse and found a park directly in front of the building. Amazing. Went down to the Clerks office and had to wait in line for about 10 minutes. I finally got to the counter and handed them the affidavit. Everything was in order, so the gave me a certified copy of the 'Final Decree'. I asked if I could get more than one.
Clerk: Yes, but they are $20 each and you may only need one.
Me: I would like five copies.
Clerk: You can always come down to the Courthouse and get another.
Me: You don't understand how important this is to me. I would like five copies please.
Clerk: OK.
With my five copies of the court order for my new name in hand I went to the Social Security Office. After a wait of only two hours or so it was finally my turn. I gave the clerk my paperwork, including the one for my gender marker...
Clerk: I'll need to check with my supervisor. I have never done a gender change before.
Me: Take your time. This is my first one too!
After about 10 minutes it was done. How did I celebrate? I went to my electrolysis appointment, told the electrologist the good news, then she began working on my upper lip. I guess that will make it a bit more memorable.
I was dressed as Jessica all day, and no one bothered me. Although I could have gone as John, it seemed a more fitting task for Jessica. One older lady complimented me on my lipstick and asked about my 'Find Joy in the Journey' bracelet.
My next stop? Tomorrow I plan to update my driver's license.
Wonderful day Jessica, Just wonderful. Congratulations!
Big Hug Girl!
Laurie
I'm so happy for you Jessica Rose!
I went to a salon for the first time in my life today. The lady who helped me was really nice. She asked me if I fixed my hair at home, I said "well I certainly don't do it at work." We were laughing off and on throughout the appointment. Eyebrow waxing was a picnic compared to laser and electrolysis. She liked my curly hair and tried to make the most of what was there. I'm not sure about the look. I have another appointment with her on the 17th to fix up my eyebrows and whatever else she suggests. Unless something comes up Jessica's first day at work will be 19 Feb.
After my salon appointment I went to the DMV. Only had to wait an hour or so. The clerks were really nice to me and they both said they liked my name. Within a week or two I should have my new license - Name: Jessica Rose Sex: F (Personally I always thought 'Sex' should be a yes/no option).
What do you think of this look for me? I do plan to let it grow out. The last haircut I had was a #2 on the sides and finger width on the top!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNNBKgYk.jpg&hash=0eb8d260209aba93783f9b55438c652884d17672) (https://imgur.com/NNBKgYk)
Okay Jessica,
The post that should have been here, is that I think it great you just made it into a beauty salon. Not to mention the progress you have been making on your name changes. Both are things I have yet to do.
As far as the new picture goes It is good but not much of a change from your avatar but hey hun more changes are still to come as your hair grows and the HRT does it's thing to you. I could not see your brows because the glasses cover them like mine do. It's a sad fact most of our eye efforts is not seen well for us who wear them.
Hugs,
Laurie
I had set my coming out day at work for 16 Feb. Yesterday my manager asked if I could push it out a week, I said 'no'. He agreed to leave the date for the 16th. Today I sent his this note to explain my answer:
For over forty years I had to hide my true self from the world. For the last year I have had to hide the journey I was taking. Now I have finally reached the goal I have had for most of my life. I have finally, legally, become Jessica Rose.
What were the first words I heard when I got to work?
'Good morning, John.'
I can't tell anyone about the incredible turn my life has taken. I can't tell them about my journey to become Jessica Rose. I can't celebrate finally becoming Jessica Rose. Everyone I work with, my friends, my neighbors and most of my family only know me as 'John'. He is gone, but his ghost still haunts me because no one knows about Jessica. I have done something few people will ever do, but no one knows and I can't tell them.
For someone who has transitioned one of the most hurtful things others can do is to use their old 'dead' name. I am Jessica, but everyone still calls me 'John' and I can't correct them. Having to deal with this until 16 Feb will be incredibly difficult emotionally, waiting any longer is simply not possible.
I decided to celebrate anyway. I went out and bought some donuts and cookies for my co-workers, and a bouquet of flowers for myself. Of course my co-works asked what the occasion was, I just said "It's Wednesday!" and I mentioned the flowers were for a friend of mine. Of course only one of them knew what I was really celebrating, but it still put me in a much better mood. I visited the men's room later and realized that according to my new driver's license I was now in the wrong restroom! That thought also put a smile on my face.
I contacted my bank yesterday and sent them a copy of my name change decree and my new driver's license. The name change is beginning to percolate through their systems. I logged on earlier today and the banner now has 'Jessica' on it!
After coordinating with my manager and HR my coming out date at work is set for the afternoon of 16 Feb! I also realized that since I got my updated license on Tuesday that I have been using the wrong restroom! That will also come to an end on 16 Feb.
I Talked to my younger daughter today and told her about my name change and driver's license. She seemed to be genuinely happy for me.
Hi Jessica,
Oh girl, I think I can understand your frustration of your last two posts. I am no where near where you are now. I am not even able to begin a name change due to some unfortunate circumstances. I know I need to resolve them before I can even put in the paperwork. But I think you situation is even worse with having it legally changed and not be able to use it. That sucks. But Hun you only need to wait a few more days and your dream will happen. It is hard sure, but not insurmountable. You will do it, that you can be sure of. You are Jessica Rose ...now and everyday here after.
Hugs,
Laurie
Today I received my first piece of mail addressed to Jessica Rose - my new Social Security card! I requested the updated card on 5 Feb, so I think that was pretty fast.
Nice! What a great first piece of mail that is too!
Bari Jo
Bari Jo, I like your new photo!
I just had a long IM chat with my bank. My new credit card is now on the way and I have my new 'proof of insurance' cards! During the chat with the insurance person she posed a question:
Maria V.: 6:02 AM
I appreciate the opportunity to assist you. Please allow me 2 minutes to access your account. While I access your account, please share with me what has you changing your name on your account?
JESSICA ROSE: 6:03 AM
I am transitioning.
JESSICA ROSE: 6:05 AM
I have had a long battle with anger caused by hiding my true self. Transitioning has allowed me to find peace.
MARIA V.: 6:06 AM
That is great!
JESSICA ROSE: 6:06 AM
It is not easy, and very few people truly understand, but my anger is gone.
MARIA V.: 6:07 AM
Great and it's good for your health not to be so angry!.
JESSICA ROSE: 6:08 AM
Yes. I got tired of punching holes in walls and beating up innocent file cabinets.
Both of the representatives I worked with were great, no issues at all, and they never referred to me by my dead name.
I should be happy today. The meeting for my coming out announcement is set for 11:30am MT on 16 Feb. I also received my permanent driver's license with my new name and correct gender marker, although the photo is hideous.
Last Friday I gave my best friend an expensive bottle of cabernet (cabernet's are her favorite) to show my gratitude for all of her help. Today she chewed me out for spending so much money on her, then questioned my decision to transition! There were a few other things she really criticized me for, and she did not say one thing positive all day. She knows I am coming out on Friday and that I need her support, and all I got today was sand in my face. It's hard to be happy when the one person you think you can count on trashes your whole day.
Hi Jessica,
That is really tough when friends bite you like that! But I guess that is why you have so many friends here on Susan's to hold you up.
And congratulations on both THE work coming out date and new drivers license.....big steps, wow!
Tia Anne
Thanks Tia. Yes, having so much support from the folks here at Susan's can make a huge difference!
Today I received my replacement debit card with my new name!
I also thought about what happened yesterday. I realized that if I had gotten this upset before HRT I would have been punching walls and file cabinets, livid would be an appropriate word. Now I just feel sad and betrayed. I guess that is an improvement, at least I don't have to patch walls and replace file cabinets any more.
I have a meeting scheduled tomorrow morning with HR to discuss details of my coming out meeting. This is basically John's last week, after Friday I will be full-time Jessica, ready or not. I expect the reality of what I have done will probably hit me Monday, when Jessica goes to work for the first time and everyone gets to meet her. I simply cannot imagine the emotions I will experience that day.
Maybe your friend was acting so weird because something is wrong in her life and took it out on you. possible?? Anyway, congrats on the debit card and a big congrats on going full time. I remember being nervous, but it went well and it becomes normal pretty quickly. I'm sure it will for you too.
Moni
I can't believe you've come that far already Jessica. I can't wait to hear how the coming out at work goes too. That's going to be huge. Sorry as bout your friend. Hopefully she will see how lousy she was and apologize. Yes, hrt has calmed me too. I am hardly mad ever now. Before I was a walking stress ball.
Bari Jo
I told my friend that I was going to forget Monday and write it off as a miscommunication or an overreaction, and the days since then have been fine. She did apologize for not supporting me, but I will be careful with her.
I had my meeting with HR today, and everything is set for Friday. They did ask me to make a few minor changes to my verbal announcement and the one I plan to email, but it was nothing that bothered me. The meeting is being billed as a 'team kick-off', since we just had a reorg no one is suspicious. There are two groups of people involved. The remote group has 6 - 7 people. The local group has 4 people (counting me), and 3 of them already know what is going on. The manager will ask everyone to introduce themselves even though we are already familiar with each other, and I will go last. Here is what I plan to say:
My name is... not what is used to be.
Something unexpected yet wonderful has happened. Today is a day I will always cherish. Any tears I shed are not tears of sadness, sorrow, or shame -- they are tears of happiness, joy, and relief.
Most of my life I knew something was wrong, but it was a feeling I could not easily describe. In my early teens social and family pressures forced me to suppress my feelings and emotions. I was unable to express who I am. This led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased through the years. Although my life seemed normal on the outside, there was always a darkness hiding just below the surface. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. Most of you never saw this side of me, but my family suffered through it for decades.
In December 2016 I finally found the source of my darkness. All my life I had been trying to live by a set of rules which weren't designed for me. I discussed this revelation with a doctor and a therapist and they both agreed. I am transgender.
I started this new phase of my life in March of 2017. Since then my cloud of darkness has dissipated, along with my anger. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and happiness. I will hide no more.
Today is my last day at this company. Although I will be back next week, 'John' will not. Over forty years of my life have been spent trying to hide the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now it is time to free my soul from the darkness and allow her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again.
Let me introduce myself, I am Jessica Rose xxxxxx. Thank you.
I wanted to keep the verbal announcement short in case emotions overwhelm me. The email note is longer and contains much more detail. I will post that tomorrow. I will ask everyone in the meeting to keep the information confidential until they see the longer email announcement, which will go out to 65 co-workers. I plan to leave the building as soon as I hit 'send'.
That's pretty exciting, Jessica! I like your prepared remarks. I hope it all goes smoothly for you.
this is fantastic. I can't wait to share in your joy from the reactions you will have. Your prepared statement is great too. I might have to borrow some if it for mine. My group is 60 in the dept, but hundreds I interact with. I'm scared of doing this, but you are showing me how to do it!
Bari Jo
Hi Jessica,
I also like the prepared text of your coming out. I'm sure it will all go well for you. We will be behind you in spirit Hun. It is one awesome step you will be taking. I'm proud of you.
Hugs,
Laurie
I don't think I could have made it this far, this quickly without the support of the awesome folks at Susan's. Anyone is welcome to borrow anything I post. We are all following in the footsteps of others, and hopefully those who follow us will find something useful from what we have learned. This really is a community.
A week or two ago I mentioned ordering some new address labels, but these list my wife's name first. They arrived yesterday. Although they were not the design I ordered, they are an acceptable floral design. My wife liked them, and that is what matters the most.
I also gave my wife two Valentine's cards, one from John, and one from Jessica Rose. She opened them while I was at work. I asked her later which card she liked best, and she said she liked them both. The one from Jessica Rose said 'What do you call two beautiful women in love?' The inside just said 'Us'. I also sent her a text message in the morning: 'My love for you is the same, no matter what my name. I will love you forever.' She gave me a card, but with no name. I was not offended. I know this has got to be hard for her, and I can see that she is trying. Hopefully as more time passes she will realize that this truly was the best option for both of us. At least we are starting to enjoy shopping together!
By the way, what is up with women's clothing sizes? I am 6ft 1in, 160lbs, approximately 39-29-39. How on earth do I wear a women's size 'XS' top? I bought some tops at Kohls, 'S' was too big, 'XS' fit perfectly.
Beautiful words Jessica, what a celebration of life.
I hope all goes well for you :)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Jessica,
I really like your written statement to your coworkers. Nicely done. :-) I think it will go well for you.
Regarding your wife, it IS very difficult for her. We tend to forget that our spouses didn't "sign up" for this. Definitely give her much time, understanding, support, and love. ...But you know that already. ;)
Tomorrow is John's last day. Some time soon I expect the gravity of what I have done will finally hit me. I will mourn John, and thank him for keeping Jessica Rose safe for all of these years. He will always be a part of me.
As mentioned in yesterday's post, I will be sending out a much longer note to my friends and co-workers as soon as the meeting ends. There are 65 people in my address list, but I expect the note to be forwarded to many more. Here is the note I plan to send:
This is deeply personal, so please use discretion before forwarding this note. I am providing this information to friends and co-workers in the hope that it will help you understand my decision. I'm sure I missed a few, so don't be offended if you were not on my original list. As a courtesy to me, if there is someone outside of our company who needs to know tell me and I will contact them.
Today will be emotionally painful, yet it is a day I will always cherish. Something unexpected yet beautiful has happened, and it is time to tell you about it. Any tears I shed are not tears of sadness, sorrow, or shame -- they are tears of happiness, joy, and relief.
This month marks my 12th anniversary at this company. Through the years I have worked with many of you. After working together for so long you usually learn a lot about your co-workers, but there is something none of you know about me. Until a little over a year ago I was even hiding it from myself. Before then if anyone had suggested I would be on this path I would have laughed at them.
For most of my life I have known that I am different, but it was a feeling I could not easily describe. In my early teens social and family pressures forced me to suppress my feelings and emotions. I was unable to express who I am. This led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased through the years. Although my life seemed normal on the outside, there was always a darkness hiding just below the surface. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. Most of you never saw this side of me, but my family suffered through it for decades.
In December 2016 I found a site where people shared their personal journeys. I was fascinated because I saw my life mirrored in so many of their stories: the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I continued reading I had an epiphany -- I found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. I finally understood. All my life I had been trying to live by a set of rules which were not designed for me. I discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they both agreed -- I have gender dysphoria. I am, and always have been, transgender.
I started this new chapter of my life March of 2017. Since then my cloud of darkness has dissipated, along with my anger. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and happiness. I will hide no more.
Today is my last day at this company. Although I will be back next week, 'John' will not. Over forty years of my life have been spent trying to hide the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now it is time to free my soul from the darkness and allow her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again.
Let me introduce myself, I am Jessica Rose xxxxxx.
There are not many things that can change someone's life more than switching genders, and I realize many of you will be curious. Please don't be shy, come over for a visit if you want. In many ways I am the same person I have always been, I have just had a few upgrades which have made me a better person. I am still working on my voice, and some of the emotions I experience are new to me, so please be patient.
As far as my name goes there are several acceptable options - 'Jessica', 'Jessie', 'Jess', or even 'Rose'. I am trying to make this easy by giving you four chances to get it right! I realize it may take a week or two to get used to using my new name, it will take me some time to get used to it also. One of the most hurtful things you can do when someone transitions is to use their old 'dead' name. It is a painful reminder of the tortured shell we are leaving behind, so please try your best. As long as you are courteous, use the correct pronouns, and eventually remember my new name, I will be happy.
I know there will be questions, so here are a few answers...
- I have the support of my family. They helped choose my name.
- My legal name is Jessica Rose xxxxxx.
- My driver's license indicates my gender as 'Female'.
- Asking about any surgeries is considered rude.
- This is a gender issue. It has nothing to do with sex or lifestyle.
I had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or allowing myself to find peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. It was a simple, yet terrifying choice. By choosing this path I knew I could lose everyone that I hold most dear -- my wife, my daughters, my family, and my friends. Try to imagine how much pain someone must be experiencing to make this choice knowing what could be lost.
I know this will come as a surprise to many of you. I also realize this is something difficult to understand -- it took me over 40 years to figure out. So please ask questions, I want to help people understand. If we can all show some patience and understanding (including me) it will help make this a smooth transition for everyone. Thank you.
I did it! I am out at work! My initial post is here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,234245.msg2092081.html#msg2092081
It was in the low 20's with intermittent snow today, but I knew it was going to be a beautiful day. Some of my local co-workers could not make the meeting, so the only ones there already knew. We were using a Skype 360 system for the meeting, and I sat on the side of the table so I could read my statement without seeing any of the remote folks (about 10). They could see and hear me fine. Once they got to me for an introduction and I said 'My name is not what is used to be', one of the remote folks laughed, and that really broke the ice for me. I was able to get through my announcement with only a few pauses, and no tears. My heart was pounding, but I did not feel nervous. Once I was done I broke into a smile. When the meeting was over I changed the name plate on my desk, sent my long email to my co-workers, then left the building. Everything went smoothly. Jessica can finally come out of the darkness now. Her first day at work is Monday!
Well done Jessica, that must feel like a whole lot of weight off your shoulders! How are you going to celebrate?
Tia Anne
Congratulations, Jessica! What a relief it must be to have that over with, and to be able to get on with being yourself.
That's so cool, Jessica. It's a huge milestone, and you handled it with class. Congratulations!
Stephanie
Jessica, this is sooo awesome. I'm so impressed with the ease and drive you have in moving forward! You are a force to be reckoned with!
Bari Jo
Thanks everyone!
How am I going to celebrate? Well I have an appointment at a salon tomorrow to get my eyebrows shaped and colored (darn grey hairs) and hopefully find a hairstyle that I like. The curly just-woke-up style they gave me last time was just not me. Next my wife and I will go out to eat, then over to Merle Norman to get my ears pierced and have a makeover. Hopefully I will learn something about make-up. Then I need to figure out what I am going to wear Monday. After 12 years of jeans, polo shirts, and tennis shoes I look forward to a bit more variety. If I can find a nice tunic, I may wear some leggings and my knee-high black boots. I am sure a lot of co-workers will be looking at me anyway, so I may as well make a statement.
The subject line of my email was 'I bet you never saw this coming'! I have already received 7 - 8 notes from co-workers, all of them very supportive, and none of them saw it coming. I expect most of the recipients probably have no idea how to respond to a note like that. Monday should also be a very interesting day, when my co-workers get to meet Jessica for the first time.
It does feel awesome. Although I have a few more groups of people I need to come out to, I feel like I can finally move on with my life. In early March I plan to visit my relatives in NW Louisiana and tell them about my transition - none of them know about it. I have enlisted the help of a niece to help. I did not tell her what is going on, but she said she would be glad to help because we are family. She is the youngest and most educated of my relatives down there, and I think she is the one most likely to accept what I have done. No matter what happens, Jessica is here to stay. She will never go into hiding again.
When I started this journey last year I could not envision ever getting to this point in my life. It has opened my eyes and helped me find strength that I did not know I had. I guess if over 40 years of darkness can't destroy your soul, then you must be nearly invincible.
Wonderful Jessica,
How does that saying go? "The truth will set you free." Jessica has been set free and she's about to run wild.
Good for you Hun. You new life is just beginning!!
Hugs,
Jessica
You are an inspiration to us all, and myself in particular. Congratulations!
Julie
I cannot believe this.
My wife and I went to the salon again today. The stylist colored, shaped, and trimmed my eyebrows, then gave me a new hairstyle. My eyes began to tear up when I saw what she did - I never believed I could look like this. Next we went to CPK for lunch, then hit the mall. I found some nice tunics at Macy's, but I was not sure of my size. So for the first time ever, I used the ladies dressing room. It was crowded and most of the rooms were full, but no one seemed to have any issues with me. After picking out a few tunics we went to Merle Norman. I now have pierced ears! It was not nearly as bad as I though it would be, almost a non-event. I also got a simple makeover, something easy for work that does not take too long. Their cosmetics are somewhat more expensive that what I would normally get, but the lady there was really nice so I bought some. We then made a trip over to Target to pick up some combs, brushes, and a few other items I may need.
Anyway, now to the amazing part. I had posted in another thread that when I started my journey I was certain that I would be an ugly woman, but I cannot believe how wrong I was. This brings tears to my eyes. Here is a new before and after...I think this may become my new avatar.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5WWYwx7.jpg&hash=d22a3d73630c43aad5636beca8fb9c1162a1ff2c) (https://imgur.com/5WWYwx7)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F948yXY3.jpg&hash=2f0db24253c5236bc5dc5436c5395208be3f6468) (https://imgur.com/948yXY3)
Hard to believe it's not your brother's picture :)
Awesome!
Seeing the smile is awesome! You look great!
Jessica, what a gorgeous smile! Such an improvement over the glum guy on the left.
Hi Girlfriend,
How nice it is to see your smile. Just who is that sourpuss in the left picture anyway? You are NOT related to him are you, Hun? You couldn't be. I like the hair better in this picture and the joy is plain in you. Congrats of the pierced ears. You do know that they are almost a right of passage don't you?
It is so nice to see you happy, Hun.
Hugs,
Laurie
Congrats Jessica Rose, you look great, your progress is amazing, I am so happy for you. I expect you will be a little nervous tomorrow, but you will be fine. This is the new reality, and (drum roll please) here she is. Fantastic!
Moni
Thanks everyone!
The pierced ears are definitely a rite of passage, and it hurt a lot less than I had anticipated. Stubbing a toe is way more painful. I think finding the right hairstyle made all the difference in the world to me. Now I feel comfortable and confident about going out into the world. Unfortunately now I don't want to wash my hair in case I can't recreate the style! I think the only issues I may have left are my own fear and apprehension about the inevitable rude comments and stares that we all experience at some point once we go out in public.
So far I have received about a dozen replies from co-workers, and as expected all of them have been supporting. I am really looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I usually get in around 6:00am. Most of the folks who work overnight are not in my workgroup, and I expect none of them got the memo. It will be interesting to see how they react to the new girl. One of my co-workers left before the meeting, so unless he checks his email over the weekend his first indication of a change will come when he arrives at 7:00am and sees me at my desk. I can't wait to see his expression!
My wife and I went shopping again today. It seems clothing and jewelry are always on the list. Although for the most part it was uneventful, something rather important did happen. At one point my wife wanted to get my attention and said 'John. Oops, I'm sorry...Jessica.' That was the first time she ever called me by my new name at home or in public. I gave her a heartfelt thanks for doing that. I know this is hard on her, but hopefully that was the first small step towards our future together.
I don't think hearing my wife say my name and pronouns will ever get old or fail to bring a smile to my face. :) I'm glad you're experiencing it!
My first day at work!
It was actually uneventful. I occasionally checked different parts of our systems and noticed my new name slowly spreading across them. The most awesome of course was when my new email address went live. There are still a few spots that have not picked it up yet, but the changes are occurring quicker than I thought.
A few folks came over to talk, everyone was really nice. There was one person I expected a negative reaction from, and he ignored me all day. Even donuts and brownies did not get his attention. No real loss there. The most fun was someone who sits near me missed the Friday meeting, and he had not seen the email. When he saw me he said 'What the...'. I just told him he should not have missed the meeting! He read the email, we talked for a few minutes, and the rest of the day was just like any other day. Everything just felt right. No drama, no stares, it felt like nothing had really changed -- except of course for the big smile on my face. It was simply a perfect day, because for the first time in my life I can finally be me. Now that I am thinking about it, here come the tears of joy!
This is what I wore to work today...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F0tNyGrN.jpg&hash=cda58ef2a5a3e1085c2fb3253054caaae6241e4a) (https://imgur.com/0tNyGrN)
Oh wow! Due to some quirks with the HR system where I am, I may be doing my first day in less than a month. I'm glad your day went well, it makes me think mine might not be as scary as my fears.
Congrats on your authentic, true life!
Fantastic Jessica. You look good in that outfit. skinny girls like you make me jealous.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Jessica, you nailed it, I love the look and that top is perfect on you. Well done!
Tia Anne
Way cool Jessica! I imagine it was hard to actually think 'work' on your first day. Congrats!
Congrats, Jessica! And, wow, you are sure rocking that look! What a great photo!
ToriJo, so far all of the fear and apprehension I have felt proved to be totally unfounded. No matter how much I try to think of bad outcomes, they never occur. I admit I do work and live in an area that is very tolerant, and I expect to have some bad experiences at some point, but so far the biggest obstacles I have had to overcome were all in my mind.
Thanks Laurie, there are already two women at work who have made comments about my figure, and they both want me to stop bringing in donuts and cookies! They are both friends of mine, and I really am enjoying the compliments. As a kid who wore pants with a 40-inch waist in 8th grade, I never in my life expected to look like this.
Tia Anne and Kathy Lauren, thanks for the compliments! I have always loved this look, but alas it would have been inappropriate for John! I look at the photos, and even though I took them I can't believe that is me. Now that I have the freedom to express my true self, I am going to indulge in trying to duplicate the looks that I have enjoyed seeing over the last several years, but I plan to avoid the parachute pants!
You hit the nail on the head Moni, there was not really much work to do today. Although I did hunt around on our systems for computer code I had written over the last 12 years change every instance of 'John' to 'Jessica'. There was really no point in that, but it made me feel better.
Day two at work was uneventful. A few more of the systems now have my new name and I was able to load an avatar photo into the system so now everyone can see what I look like. I had never uploaded a photo for 'John'. I also received a few more notes and calls of support. Everything just felt right. Overall it was another great day!
I did make a quick trip to the DMV to renew my driver's license again. The first photo was horrid, but it had my new name and gender so I was happy at the time. Now at least it will have a photo that I find acceptable.
I did have some fun at the dentist office. We have been going to the same office for over 10 years and we are all on a first name basis. My wife had an appointment, when we walked in the receptionist was a bit surprised.
Receptionist: You look like a girl!
Me: I'll take that as a compliment.
Receptionist: You want to be a woman?
Me: I am a woman.
Her facial expression was priceless! The dentist came out later and saw me, but he did not say anything. Later I found out he thought that I was John's sister. I also took that as a compliment. Eventually the dentist and his staff came out and I gave them a short explanation then answered a few thoughtful questions. Apparently I am the first patient they have had who has transitioned. After the Q&A session the dentist and I talked about cars for a while, just like nothing had changed. It will take a while for them to pick up my new name, but I think we are off to a great start.
I almost forgot! I loved wearing those black boots so much yesterday that I went with brown today!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fe2G7aN7.jpg&hash=af389702cbc2868e8531008f502d11ce0153f1ef) (https://imgur.com/e2G7aN7)
As someone we all love says. (sort of)
Onward you go Sister!
Hugs,
Laurie
My new ID badge showed up today! The photo even looks reasonable. When I handed in my old badge at the security desk the guard said 'Who is John?' I said 'That was me.' He did look a bit confused at that point.
The IT folks also gave me a new LAN ID. My initials and last name did not change, so why couldn't I just keep my old one? It may actually be a bit in my favor. My old ID was Jxxxxxx2, my new one is Jxxxxxx1. I guess I moved up a notch.
Other than going to work as a woman, using the ladies room, and speaking in a higher pitch, everything seems the same. Except for one person who now ignores me (which I expected), everyone is treating me with the same respect as always. I walk down the aisles expecting stares, odd looks, laughter, or rude comments, but none of that ever happens. So far none of the things I was worried about have occurred. It is almost like nothing has changed, except for finally being at peace with myself, and for the big smile that I always seem to have!
Jessica I know what you mean I find nothing much has changed except the name and pronouns I must admit being a bit envious of your outfits as a mechanic it is really difficult to wear anything nice to work
bobbisue :)
Onward we go brave Jessica Rose!
Hugs!!!
A 😀💗🙏🌻
Today was awesome with a dash of ugly.
As I was leaving work one of my best friends asked if I had a few minutes to talk. Although I really wanted to leave I also want to educate people, so I stayed. He asked several questions about my transition and some questions about HRT in general. I could tell he was genuinely interested, which made me happy.
After I left the building a car heading out of the parking lot stopped next to me. The lady driver rolled down her window and said 'Well Hello, beautiful!' I can safely say that no one has ever said that to me before. Then she asked if she could give me a hug, and I never say no to hugs! She got out of her car in the middle of the parking lot and gave me a nice long hug. She mentioned how much happier I looked, and then said that she was proud of me. She asked if I would be offended if she gave me some makeup. Free stuff? Sure! we talked for several more minutes, then we parted. The funny thing is that I have no idea who she was! Hopefully she will come by my desk tomorrow and I will find out her name.
Later my wife and I stopped by Kohl's on the way to her medical appointment. We found a few items and went to check out. It seems the cashiers are always pushing credit cards. Since my card has my dead name my wife was going to make the purchase.
Cashier: Do you have any coupons?
Wife: No.
Cashier: Does he have a Kohl's card?
Wife: ...She...
Me (slightly pissed): Yes
Cashier: Have you used it lately?
Me: That is none of your business!
That was the first time I had ever been misgendered, and it hurt. I walked away so I would not need to talk to the cashier any more. After I took my wife to her appointment I went back to the store to try to educate the cashier. She saw me enter the store and came straight over to me. Before I could say anything she began apologizing profusely. I showed her my driver's license and pointed out that it shows my gender as 'Female'. She then got down on both knees and continued apologizing (she later told me that she is Chinese, which explain the kneeling). I told her that I accepted her apology, then I explained my situation. We talked for about 15 minutes, with both of us smiling and hugging.
There was one detail that did not slip by me. When the cashier referred to me as 'he', my wife tried to correct the cashier by saying 'she'. That made me a happy lady. My wife came to my defense when I was misgendered! That seemingly small act by my wife far outweighed the pain of being misgendered.
One of my hobbies is photography. When my daughter played softball in high school I took photos of everyone during all of the games. She also played on a club team in the springtime for two years, and I took photos at those games as well. At the end of each season I make flash drives with all of the photos for every player. I liked the coaching staff of her club team so much that I continued taking photos at all of their games even after my daughter went off to college.
I was not sure what the coach would say when Jessica showed up at a game, and I did not want to be a distraction, so I met with him today to let him know that I had transitioned. It went very well. He was a bit surprised to see Jessica instead of John, but he got over that quickly and gave me a big hug. After I told him my story he said that I am part of their family, and if anyone is upset they can find a new team! He is going to set up a mid-week practice soon so I can re-introduce myself to the players, parents, and other coaches.
One other nice thing happened today. For the first time since going full time, my wife held my arm while we were out in public. I thanked her for it. She is slowly getting used to the idea of having a wife instead of a husband. As difficult as it is to transition, I expect that what she is going through is just as difficult. I am giving her time, and letting her work through this at her own pace.
Thank you for posting these - I'm terrified of coming out at work, but for my own sake I need to press on and do it, so reading happy stories about it makes my day.
As for the misgendering, I get misgendered a lot and try not to take it personally when it isn't done with malice, but it hurts and so often I want to go home and just burn everything I wore. It hurts when you think you're looking particularly good and someone misgenders me. I tell my loved ones, "Yes, I hear every wrong pronoun, and they all sting. But I *also* hear every time the right one is used."
On Thursday my wife and I are going to visit my relatives (my parents, two older brothers, and my wife's sister). They live roughly a 1000 miles away and have no idea that I have transitioned. I plan to stay a week or so, depending on the reception we receive. My current plan depends on at least one relative for assistance. I will ask them to deliver this note to my parents and let us know the result.
Don't worry, I'm healthy. You know me to be a logical and thoughtful person who does not make rash decisions, so please keep an open mind. A year ago I had a difficult choice. It was difficult because it is something that most people have a hard time understanding -- it took me over 40 years to figure out. I was also afraid it may damage our relationship or cause you pain. Once I realized the torment this has been causing me has also been hurting the ones I love the most, the decision was clear. I told my wife in February 2017. Initially she struggled to understand, but we are seeing a therapist who has helped us work things out. We plan to stay together. We told our daughters the day after Christmas, both are accepting and supportive. We know you will have questions, and we want to help you understand. Please accept that there is nothing you or anyone else could have done to change this situation.
You did your best to raise me, and you did an amazing job. You gave me a sense of loyalty, duty, and honor which serves me well. I tried to be a good son and fulfill your expectations. I did my best not to embarrass you or bring shame upon our family. I have discovered something about myself that has changed my life for the better. I apologize for any pain or embarrassment this may cause, and I hope you will still accept me. All I ask is that you don't hold this against my wife and daughters.
You may remember some of the embarrassing things I did in my early teens. Sometimes you chalked it up to curiosity or experimentation, other times I was punished or was told that what I had done was not acceptable. The information which could have explained my behavior then was simply not available. For most of my life I knew I was different, but it was a feeling I couldn't easily describe. Starting in my early teens social and family pressure kept me from expressing who I am. Suppressing my feelings and emotions led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased through the years. Although my life seemed normal from the outside, there was darkness hiding just beneath the surface. There were times long ago which were so stressful the only thing that kept me alive was the thought of what would happen to my wife and daughters if I was gone. I am also saddened by the behavior that my family had to witness. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. You never saw this side of me, but my wife and daughters suffered through it for decades.
In December 2016 I found a site where people shared their life stories. I was fascinated because I saw myself in many of them -- the curiosity and experimentation, the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I read the journeys I had an epiphany -- I suddenly realized I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. They were not tears of sadness, sorrow or shame, they were tears of happiness, joy, and relief. I finally understood. I had discovered the truth that I had been hiding from everyone, including myself. I have been living my life under a set of rules that were not designed for me. I have discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they both agree -- I have gender dysphoria. I am, and always have been, transgender.
I had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or allowing myself to find peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. It was a simple, yet terrifying choice. By choosing this path I knew I could lose everyone I hold most dear -- my wife, my daughters, my family, and my friends. Try to imagine how much pain someone must be experiencing to make this choice knowing what could be lost. I began therapy in March 2017. Since then my cloud of darkness has vanished, along with my constant anger. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and happiness. I will hide no more. I have already said 'goodbye' to my former self, and 'hello' to a world where I am living openly as the woman I have always been. I spent over forty years of my life hiding the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now I have released my soul from the darkness and allowed her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again.
I hope you can find it in your heart to welcome me home. I am your daughter, Jessica Rose.
Nice letter, Jessica. I hope your visit goes well.
Just a quick update. So far I have come out to my oldest brother, his wife, a nephew, two nieces, my mom and my dad. It was awesome. All of them have accepted this change in my life. I just have one more brother to go.
Before my dad read the letter he said that no matter what I would always be his son. Apparently the sentiment was also true for his daughter! Both of my parents said it would take them a while to get used to my new name. I told them their acceptance was all I needed, and they could call me whatever they want. Now my dad is calling me by my initials, 'JR'. Frankly I was amazed at my dad's acceptance. Both of my parents are in their upper 80's, and this is way outside the box, but they genuinely seem to be good with it. My wife and I will be spending the rest of the week at my parents house, in my old bedroom. My wife also feels much better about my transition now.
If someone had told me a year ago that my coming out would have been accepted this well by my family I would have laughed at them. I feel like one of the luckiest people on Earth to have a family this accepting.
Jessica Rose, reading that brought back so many memories from when I went through the same thing last August, with the same happy results. I'm crying tears of joy for you now. Congratulations.
- Stephanie
I visited my second brother today. He was also accepting. I did not expect a 100% success rate with my relatives, but I'm was very happy to be wrong.
A side note... My wife needed a new pair of shoes. As we were checking out a mid-20's African-American looked at me, then he asked my wife 'Is she 6 foot?' I answered that I am 6ft 1in. Then he asked if I played basketball! I was just amazed to be properly gendered by a complete stranger who was not a store employee!
Coming out road trip, the rest of the story...
My wife and I drove down to NW Louisiana so I could tell my relatives about my transition in person, I had kept this a secret from all of them. The first person we visited was my youngest niece. She knew we were coming, but not why. She looked a bit surprised when she answered the door, but then her dog ran out of the house and she had to chase it down, which dampened the shock value quite a bit! She accepted me without question. We talked for a while, then we took her out to dinner. After we got back her Mom called, seems that she was coming over for a late visit! We decided to stay and tell her ahead of schedule.
When my sister-in-law saw me she said 'is this a joke?' I told her 'no, I have transitioned'. She said 'this will not go over well'. Although she gave me a hug and voiced her support, she was worried about my Dad's possible reaction. We talked for a few hours discussing coming out to the rest of her family and my parents. My SIL was reasonably sure her family would be fine, and my Mom would probably be OK, but we both had doubts about my Dad and second brother.
The next day I took my SIL and my older brother to dinner, he did not know my wife and I would be joining him. When he saw me I got no reaction at all, just a 'Hi'. I guess I should have expected that, to him even Mr. Spock shows way too much emotion. We discussed coming out to my parents, but my brother ignored the conversation. To give him credit, he is the only person who got my name right in every conversation. After dinner we went back to my brother's house and told the rest of his family, they were all accepting and supportive.
We planned to come out to my parents the next day, Sunday. My SIL and her family have lunch with my parents every Sunday. After lunch she texted me that everything was ready. I called my parents and told each of them not to worry, my family and I were in great health, but there had been a major change in my life that I needed to tell them about. I told them my SIL would give each of them a letter explaining the situation, and to call me if they wanted me to come to their house. My SIL told me later that both of my parents became very anxious and worried when she gave them the letters. After about 15 - 20 of the longest minutes of my life I received another text, my parents were waiting for us! Once we arrived there were hugs all around. The first thing my Dad said was 'I like your boots!'. We really did not discuss much about my transition. Although my parents are still struggling with my new name and gender, they have accepted me, which is all that matters right now. The rest will come with time. We checked out of the hotel that afternoon and spent the rest of the week at my parent's house.
An hour or two after coming out to my parents I decided it was time for my second brother, who has stage four colon cancer. He has good days and bad days, so I sent him a copy of the note I had sent out at work. Later that day my parents talked to him, and he said he was OK with it. My wife and I went to see him the next day. He said that he did not really understand, but if it made me happy then it was the right thing for me to do. Since he is basically house-bound I decided to do some shopping for him later that day. I went to his favorite store, Harbor Freight, and called him for his shopping list. My parents do his grocery shopping, but he does a lot of ham radio work and most of the hardware he uses comes from Harbor Freight. I delivered the items to his house that afternoon and told him 'Happy Birthday'. Although his birthday is next month I knew he would not mind an early gift.
I was apprehensive about the trip, but all of my concerns seem to have been unfounded. I certainly would not have placed a bet on the outcome, and I was truly surprised that everyone in my family accepted my transition. It was another weight lifted off of my shoulders.
One other surprise was that I was not misgendered by non-family members during the entire week. We went shopping almost every day and even caught a performance of 'Riverdance'. Everything just seemed normal. I could never have envisioned this outcome when I started my journey a year ago, sometimes it feels like I am in a dream... a very happy dream.
That's wonderful Jessica. You are so lucky having all this support. It's also a beacon of light to show the rest of us it cab be done.
Bari Jo
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 10, 2018, 07:33:48 AM
Coming out road trip, the rest of the story...
My wife and I drove down to NW Louisiana so I could tell my relatives about my transition in person, I had kept this a secret from all of them. The first person we visited was my youngest niece. She knew we were coming, but not why. She looked a bit surprised when she answered the door, but then her dog ran out of the house and she had to chase it down, which dampened the shock value quite a bit! She accepted me without question. We talked for a while, then we took her out to dinner. After we got back her Mom called, seems that she was coming over for a late visit! We decided to stay and tell her ahead of schedule.
When my sister-in-law saw me she said 'is this a joke?' I told her 'no, I have transitioned'. She said 'this will not go over well'. Although she gave me a hug and voiced her support, she was worried about my Dad's possible reaction. We talked for a few hours discussing coming out to the rest of her family and my parents. My SIL was reasonably sure her family would be fine, and my Mom would probably be OK, but we both had doubts about my Dad and second brother.
The next day I took my SIL and my older brother to dinner, he did not know my wife and I would be joining him. When he saw me I got no reaction at all, just a 'Hi'. I guess I should have expected that, to him even Mr. Spock shows way too much emotion. We discussed coming out to my parents, but my brother ignored the conversation. To give him credit, he is the only person who got my name right in every conversation. After dinner we went back to my brother's house and told the rest of his family, they were all accepting and supportive.
We planned to come out to my parents the next day, Sunday. My SIL and her family have lunch with my parents every Sunday. After lunch she texted me that everything was ready. I called my parents and told each of them not to worry, my family and I were in great health, but there had been a major change in my life that I needed to tell them about. I told them my SIL would give each of them a letter explaining the situation, and to call me if they wanted me to come to their house. My SIL told me later that both of my parents became very anxious and worried when she gave them the letters. After about 15 - 20 of the longest minutes of my life I received another text, my parents were waiting for us! Once we arrived there were hugs all around. The first thing my Dad said was 'I like your boots!'. We really did not discuss much about my transition. Although my parents are still struggling with my new name and gender, they have accepted me, which is all that matters right now. The rest will come with time. We checked out of the hotel that afternoon and spent the rest of the week at my parent's house.
An hour or two after coming out to my parents I decided it was time for my second brother, who has stage four colon cancer. He has good days and bad days, so I sent him a copy of the note I had sent out at work. Later that day my parents talked to him, and he said he was OK with it. My wife and I went to see him the next day. He said that he did not really understand, but if it made me happy then it was the right thing for me to do. Since he is basically house-bound I decided to do some shopping for him later that day. I went to his favorite store, Harbor Freight, and called him for his shopping list. My parents do his grocery shopping, but he does a lot of ham radio work and most of the hardware he uses comes from Harbor Freight. I delivered the items to his house that afternoon and told him 'Happy Birthday'. Although his birthday is next month I knew he would not mind an early gift.
I was apprehensive about the trip, but all of my concerns seem to have been unfounded. I certainly would not have placed a bet on the outcome, and I was truly surprised that everyone in my family accepted my transition. It was another weight lifted off of my shoulders.
One other surprise was that I was not misgendered by non-family members during the entire week. We went shopping almost every day and even caught a performance of 'Riverdance'. Everything just seemed normal. I could never have envisioned this outcome when I started my journey a year ago, sometimes it feels like I am in a dream... a very happy dream.
At my very first therapist appointment, she told me to take my level of anxiety over how people would accept me, on a scale of 1 to 10, and dial it back by 4. If your family loves you they just want you to be happy. And the rest of the world is starting to get it. You're enjoying the benefits of all that. Congratulations!
Stephanie
Good for you girl, this is the big stuff that we all fear but you handled it with such a positive energy and a sensitivity
that was lovely to read in your letters. Thanks for sharing.
My folks are also in their eighties struggling with name change and pronouns, but like you I've put no pressure on them.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Back on 22 Feb (post #121) I mentioned a lady who gave me a hug in the parking lot and left after promising some makeup. Unfortunately I did not know her name. Well she did not know my name either! She finally found me on 1 March. She told me she had spent about three days trying to find me, and I am very happy that she did not give up.
We had indeed never met before, she had seen me around work prior to my transition and had noticed that I did not seem to be a happy person. She noted how happy I am now, and she was delighted to see the change. We went to an empty conference room and talked for about an hour. I don't think I have ever met someone with such a positive outlook on life, it was infectious. After so many years of anger I did not realize that people like her existed.
She did bring me makeup, probably about 10 - 15 pounds of it! She used to be a makeup artist and blogged about makeup, so she has closets full of it and was happy to bring me some. She also offered to give me makeup lessons if I ever wanted any.
It is always great to meet new friends who add joy to your life, especially those who love to hug!
While I was in Louisiana the Federal Background Investigation request that I mailed in on 16 Nov 2017 finally came back, it only took them 16 weeks! I highly recommend using an 'FBI Channeler' for this if there is one near you. The one I used delivered the official paper copy to me five days after I saw them.
Name changes are probably the most technically difficult part of transitioning. Every few days a small step forward takes place. My medical and dental insurance cards finally have my new name on them. Encountering my dead name is painful, but it serves as an incentive to get things changed over as soon as possible.
My younger daughter is home from college for Spring Break. She knew I had transitioned, but she had never met Jessica. She has told a few of her friends about me, and she said one person (a young FTM I had met years ago before he began transitioning) even guessed what she was going to tell them! We have not discussed anything transition-related, but everything just feels right.
Sometimes I still cannot believe what I have done. It has been less than a year since I started HRT as a lost and confused soul, and now I have socially transitioned. None of the things I was worried about have happened. I still have some work to do -- I need more electrolysis, and I am strongly leaning towards GCS sometime in the near future. Sometimes I feel like a spy wearing a disguise, but that feeling is slowly fading. Things are beginning to feel normal again.
My younger daughter is home for Spring Break. She started dating someone new a few weeks ago. Today she mentioned that she needs to tell her new boyfriend about me, because if he does not accept me then is no reason to keep dating him! She is an awesome daughter.
My primary hobby is photography. This will be my fourth year taking game photos of 'my' team at girls fastpitch softball tournaments, but I do occasionally take photos of other teams if I like the coach or know some of their players. I did not want to be a potential distraction during their first few games so I re-introduced myself to my team a few days ago, with one of the players saying 'I am so happy for you' then giving me a big hug. Tomorrow is their first tournament. Several teams I have photographed in past seasons will be there, but only 'my' team knows I have transitioned. This will be like a second coming-out. In some ways I am a bit frightened about being in front of so many people I know who are unaware of my transition, but I also look forward to seeing their reactions. Hopefully I will be able to have some fun with it!
The softball games went well. Everyone was friendly and I got hugs from a few coaches, players, and parents. During the games two people I have known for a few years came over and asked quite a few sincere questions. The most fun I had was when I found a mom who did not know. I was talking to one of the coaches and he said my name, then she seemed a bit perplexed. I told her that was my new name, I had transitioned. She said 'no way!', so I showed her my driver's license. She was quiet for a few seconds then said 'Well I guess it won't affect the photos you take, so it doesn't matter to me.' I was a little upset that she did not realize that I had transitioned, but it was cold and windy that day and I was wearing several layers of clothing, so I'll place the blame there. Overall it was a good day.
I had my 12 month HRT checkup a few days ago. Since the last checkup my estradiol level is basically unchanged at 65. After adding a bit more spiro my free testosterone levels have dropped from 2.0pg/mL to 1.7pg/mL and total T went from 114ng/dL down to under 3ng/dl.
Estradiol Free T Total T
4 Month 52pg/mL 8.0pg/mL 608ng/dL
8 Month 65pg/mL 2.0pg/mL 114ng/dL
12 Month 64pg/mL 1.7pg/mL <3ng/dL
My doctor mentioned the possibility of using two estradiol patches at once, and when I told her I was interested in seeing what effect that would have she said that she would send it in!
Per my doctor's recommendation I have gained some weight and am now at 162lbs. My height has not changed, I am still 6ft 1in. I'm now a solid 36A, but I am hoping the extra estradiol will help that along. My waist is unchanged from my 8-month check at 29 inches. My hips have increased about a half-inch.
I realized that I had not posted here in a while, so I thought I should take a little time to tend to my garden...
My one year HRT anniversary was last week. I posted about it here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,235763.msg2113776.html#msg2113776
Everything has been going very well. My wife finally appears to be coming to terms with this change, and we are starting to have fun together again. Things are not perfect, but life rarely is. Our life together will never be exactly what it was, but I believe in many ways that it will be better than it could have been before I started this journey. We are still seeing a therapist, and hopefully she will be able to help my wife fully accept and understand why I felt this was the only decision I could make.
We had another softball tournament last week, and I got some great photos. I have not had any issues at either of the tournaments so far, and everyone I have met has been awesome. At the end of the last tournament a coach from another team asked me about the camera I was using (Canon 1DXII with a Canon 100-400L II lens). We continued talking about cameras as we walked out to the parking lot. As we parted he introduced himself, I paused before I introduced myself because I was trying to remember my name! I thought that was funny and a bit weird at the same time.
We had a contractor visit to provide a quote on central air conditioning, most of the houses in our neighborhood were built with only central heat. I could tell my wife felt a bit awkward when she introduced me as her wife. The contractor's visit went well, and he was courteous to both of us during the hour or so he was in our home.
Today my wife made an awesome Easter Sunday meal. One of the things she made for dessert was ambrosia, my wife said she used my mom's recipe. I don't know if it was the extra estradiol patch talking, but the first bite of the ambrosia brought tears to my eyes. It was awesome! Food has never triggered an emotional response from me before. My wife asked if I was OK, so I gave her a hug and explained it to her. She smiled.
Hi Jessica,
It was nice to read your update. It was good to read that your wife is doing better with your transition. Oh yeah I can see it isn't where you would want it to be. But Hun you take the wins as they come and it sounds like a win is happening to me. Keep giving her time to work it out. All may not be lost like you were thinking not that long ago. There is hope in there now Jessica. Look what a little glimmer of hope has done for me recently. Hope can blossom in ways we do not expect.
Hugs,
Laurie
PS your turn for some Laurie is getting closer. Better clean off the top of the fridge.
Awesome! Several weeks ago I warned my wife that you may be dropping by, and she has been asking about you. I gave her an update last night and now she is in full 'Laurie Alert' mode. As Tom Bodett said, "We'll leave a light on for you", and we are already stocked up on chocolate. You are welcome to stay as long as you like.
I just returned from facial laser treatment #9. Even with the prescription BLT (benzocaine, lidocaine, tetracaine) numbing cream it was more painful than ever. The nurse went over my upper lip, corners, and lower lip twice. I really had mixed emotions about that. I want the hair gone, but the second pass hurt like h***. My face is still burning, but a cold washcloth helps. She also checked by back and found a few stragglers, at least that area is virtually clear now. I have noticed my electrolysis sessions have been more painful since the doctor doubled my estradiol, and I have also gained a few pounds -- hopefully it went to the right places.
I still smile every time I look in the mirror, is that really me looking back? I can't believe what I have done. I honestly never thought I would make it this far. My deepest thanks to everyone at Susan's Place for the support they have given me.
If you have not been following Laurie's Road Trip 2.0, she did spend some time with my wife and I. It was great meeting another person from the forums. Laurie is another beautiful thread that ties us all together. This is a photo of myself, Laurie, and my wife Susan.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FMOPqCPB.jpg&hash=4ff4572cfd66a731de1738d3c4eb914d88cfe13a) (https://imgur.com/MOPqCPB)
Jessica Rose:
Thanks for posting your latest update and for posting that terrific picture of you, Laurie, and your wife.... it was great to see all of the happy faces.
... and by the way, you really look nice in that picture!!!
Danielle
That's a great pic, Jessica!
Yes, getting the upper lip zapped is painful! I wouldn't be able to handle it if it wasn't for my dentist: I get her to freeze it. It calls for some tricky scheduling: she needs enough time to get it good and numb, then I need 20 minutes to get to the electrologist and hope she can do the job before the freezing wears off. But it works well.
The electrologist can work at a good speed without worrying about having to scrape me off the ceiling every few seconds. Her biggest worry is not cooking my skin.
Thanks for the compliments Danielle and Kathy!
Today was a perfect example of what HRT has done for me. Ever since we moved in 12 years ago our kitchen faucet would occasionally leak when in use. The leak slowly got worse and worse, and today I finally decided to replace it. My wife and I went to a local hardware store and she picked out the faucet she wanted. Once we got home the fun started.
Removing the old faucet looked easy. Just turn off the water, disconnect the hoses, then remove two nuts (wow, so many thoughts just passed through my mind). Well the 'nuts' were plastic with molded on washers. The first one broke off, the bolt was rusted through. No harm there. The second one was another story. The nut rounded off, so sockets and wrenches were useless. I could not get a grip with channel lock pliers. I attempted several techniques to remove the nut, but I was not having any luck. After an hour or so I decided to use a bit of brute force, I used the faucet as a lever and started rocking the assembly back and forth slowly while applying increasing amounts of force, but not enough to bend the sink. Eventually the plastic nut/washer broke off and I was able to remove the old faucet. Installing the new faucet was simple. There are no more leaks, there was no damage to the sink, and most importantly my wife is happy.
If this had happened before I started HRT I would have blown a gasket. As my frustration level quickly ramped up I would have begun using choice words and blaming my wife for making me so mad, somehow it would have been her fault. Odds are the sink would not have survived, I expect part of the counter top would have been destroyed, and I would have been bleeding from one or more wounds inflicted during my fit of rage. I am not exaggerating, that was how I would have reacted before I started my journey. I mentioned this to my wife and she laughed. She knows that is what would have happened.
There are still things that can get me angry (like repeated dead naming), but the issues which used to trigger my frustration no longer bother me. I feel as though I have gotten my life back. My life is far from perfect, but it is much better than it was.
Sounds like your missing a critical tool for the job. I have basin wrench that I use once in a blue moon but it's the only tool that allows you to get in the tight spaces under the sink.
(https://images.homedepot-static.com/productImages/3d1823bf-a8c1-49c8-849d-9691eecb6d1f/svn/tekton-wrenches-wrn92001-64_1000.jpg)
Amazing what change hormones make... I have had the same experience you made. Things I know would have sent me through the roof are not really upsetting me anymore.
It is always fun shopping at a home improvement store in full girl outfit and knowing exactly what I want [emoji23] but I now enjoy help loading the 8x4 plywood onto the car...
So happy for your changes!!!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on April 07, 2018, 10:58:17 PM
Thanks for the compliments Danielle and Kathy!
Today was a perfect example of what HRT has done for me. Ever since we moved in 12 years ago our kitchen faucet would occasionally leak when in use. The leak slowly got worse and worse, and today I finally decided to replace it. My wife and I went to a local hardware store and she picked out the faucet she wanted. Once we got home the fun started.
Removing the old faucet looked easy. Just turn off the water, disconnect the hoses, then remove two nuts (wow, so many thoughts just passed through my mind). Well the 'nuts' were plastic with molded on washers. The first one broke off, the bolt was rusted through. No harm there. The second one was another story. The nut rounded off, so sockets and wrenches were useless. I could not get a grip with channel lock pliers. I attempted several techniques to remove the nut, but I was not having any luck. After an hour or so I decided to use a bit of brute force, I used the faucet as a lever and started rocking the assembly back and forth slowly while applying increasing amounts of force, but not enough to bend the sink. Eventually the plastic nut/washer broke off and I was able to remove the old faucet. Installing the new faucet was simple. There are no more leaks, there was no damage to the sink, and most importantly my wife is happy.
If this had happened before I started HRT I would have blown a gasket. As my frustration level quickly ramped up I would have begun using choice words and blaming my wife for making me so mad, somehow it would have been her fault. Odds are the sink would not have survived, I expect part of the counter top would have been destroyed, and I would have been bleeding from one or more wounds inflicted during my fit of rage. I am not exaggerating, that was how I would have reacted before I started my journey. I mentioned this to my wife and she laughed. She knows that is what would have happened.
There are still things that can get me angry (like repeated dead naming), but the issues which used to trigger my frustration no longer bother me. I feel as though I have gotten my life back. My life is far from perfect, but it is much better than it was.
Oh yes, my secret desire when I went on hormones was to gain control of my temper. And I think the hormones have helped me do exactly that - don't write off yourself, and your general happiness as contributors, but I noticed an almost overnight difference in what it took to anger me.
My wife and I had an awesome afternoon in Denver with Tia Anne and her beautiful wife Debi. Although I had met Tia a few weeks ago we did not have much time to get to know one another. We had much more time today, and my wife and I finally got to meet Tia's better half. Tia and I talked about quite a few subjects. I don't think she noticed, but there were a few times she said things so beautiful that I had to hold back some tears. I'm not sure what Debi and my wife talked about, but I heard occasional laughter from both of them so I expect they also enjoyed the afternoon. Meeting such a loving couple was a wonderful experience. My wife and I look forward to future meetings with our new friends.
Aw, gee, now you have brought tears to our eyes! We enjoyed our time with you as well.
Tia Anne
After turning my life upside down when I went full time, everything almost seems normal again. I have much more confidence in my appearance, and I use my new voice by default without have to think about it. I am still getting used to my name. I have only been dead named twice in the last two weeks, and one of those was by someone who does not see me often.
Sometimes I encounter new and unexpected things on my journey, things I never thought about. I felt something different when I turned my head this morning. It was something I had never felt before. It seems my hair is now long enough that it brushes across my neck and upper back when I turn my head. What an awesome, sensuous feeling! Now my neck is going to get tired from constantly turning my head back and forth so I can experience that new sensation! Joy is all around us, sometimes you just have to open your eyes to see it right in front of you.
I spoke to a manager at work who is also friend of mine, Liz. We had not crossed paths since I came out, but she did send a very nice reply to my coming out announcement. We had a nice talk, and she brought up another manager who had passed away several years ago. 'Bob' had talked to her about one of my fits of rage that slipped out at work, he had been worried about my anger. Liz mentioned that she wished Bob was still here so he would have known that I had finally found my path to peace.
About an half hour ago I contacted another softball coach I occasionally work with to tell her about my new status. I sent her a copy of my coming out letter and told her it was OK to share it with the team parents. I just got her response, and the last sentence brought tears to my eyes:
Hey you're family as far as I'm concerned and as long as you're happy then that's all that's matters. Thank you for the letter. I will share all of this information with parents, but ultimately I know everyone will accept you for who you are regardless of their personal views or feelings. We have a team event on Saturday if you and your family would like to join us. I think what you are doing sets a great example to the young women in this organization about being true to yourself and loving and accepting others.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on April 10, 2018, 09:54:53 PM
After turning my life upside down when I went full time, everything almost seems normal again. I have much more confidence in my appearance, and I use my new voice by default without have to think about it. I am still getting used to my name. I have only been dead named twice in the last two weeks, and one of those was by someone who does not see me often.
Sometimes I encounter new and unexpected things on my journey, things I never thought about. I felt something different when I turned my head this morning. It was something I had never felt before. It seems my hair is now long enough that it brushes across my neck and upper back when I turn my head. What an awesome, sensuous feeling! Now my neck is going to get tired from constantly turning my head back and forth so I can experience that new sensation! Joy is all around us, sometimes you just have to open your eyes to see it right in front of you.
I spoke to a manager at work who is also friend of mine, Liz. We had not crossed paths since I came out, but she did send a very nice reply to my coming out announcement. We had a nice talk, and she brought up another manager who had passed away several years ago. 'Bob' had talked to her about one of my fits of rage that slipped out at work, he had been worried about my anger. Liz mentioned that she wished Bob was still here so he would have known that I had finally found my path to peace.
About an half hour ago I contacted another softball coach I occasionally work with to tell her about my new status. I sent her a copy of my coming out letter and told her it was OK to share it with the team parents. I just got her response, and the last sentence brought tears to my eyes:
Hey you're family as far as I'm concerned and as long as you're happy then that's all that's matters. Thank you for the letter. I will share all of this information with parents, but ultimately I know everyone will accept you for who you are regardless of their personal views or feelings. We have a team event on Saturday if you and your family would like to join us. I think what you are doing sets a great example to the young women in this organization about being true to yourself and loving and accepting others.
@ Jessica Rose: Wow-whee.... that was an amazing letter from that softball coach..... just amazing and wonderful!!!
Please keep us updated about how it went for Saturday's team event...
Hugs,
Danielle
Unfortunately politics got in the way of the softball potluck. The team manager said it would be best if I stayed away because he thought things could turn ugly during a meeting which would take place after the meal. He said it did not have anything to do with me, but they did not want me to get in the middle of a potentially bad situation. So I stayed away. I found out the next day that nothing happened, everyone wondered why I did not show up. I spoke to one of the coaches and wanted an answer, I told him with tears in my eyes that if I did not get a good explanation I would no longer be taking photos of their games (this is my fourth season with them, they are family).
The coach said only two people knew the whole story - the team manager and the organization president (I'll call him Bob). I had never worked with the manager, but I have known Bob for almost four years and he has always been someone I trusted, so I called him. Bob apologized, and he explained the situation thoroughly. Although I am still upset that in a sense I was collateral damage, at least now I understand why I was asked to stay away. I sent a text message to the coach telling him that Bob had explained things, and although I was still upset I would be back. The coach replied with this note:
I'm glad Bob was able to explain things. I'm sorry that you feel the manager took something away from you. I know our softball family would have been sad to lose such a big part of our family. Glad to have you back.
I really hate when petty politics get in the way of something that is supposed to be fun. I do my best to stay away from that side of things. I do not ask anything in return for my services, I just want to take photos and give the players and their families something to remember this precious time in their lives.
I did have something awesome happen today at work. I visited my friend Christina, she is the one who gave me the makeup about two months ago. We talked for a few minutes before one of her co-workers arrived, Liz, whom I had never met. All three of us talked for a few minutes and Christina mentioned my name several times. At one point we talked about filing taxes, and I mentioned that I had filed under my new name. Then Liz said 'Oh, you're Jessica!'. Then she gave me a hug. Although Christina had mentioned my transition to her weeks before, she did not realize I was that Jessica. She thought I was a co-worker visiting from Cleveland (our primary location), and she had no idea that I was transgender until I mentioned my name change!
Several folks on these forums have told me that I pass based on my photos, but when a cis woman I have just met can't tell even after talking to me for several minutes, then I truly believe I have reached a point I never thought was possible - I can pass in real life. This made my day. If I had not been at work I would have started crying.
I had an incredible day. Back on Jan 19 I made some posts about being overcome with emotion on my way to work, I started hyperventilating, I was shaking, and my hands went numb. I did not really know what was happening, but I attributed it to Jessica's awakening, she was telling me that she was ready to enter the world. Over the last week or so I had experienced a few new waves of emotion, and I had a feeling something was coming. I even told a few co-workers about my original experience and warned them that I thought I would soon have another awakening. I told them not to worry because it would be something I wanted to occur, it would be a joyous occasion, but I would need someone to comfort me.
It arrived today while I was at work. I was feeling awesome all morning, and the joy began to grow. I was texting my sister-in-law when I was overcome with sheer joy, I had to excuse myself from a skype conference because I could no longer contain my emotion. Here are some of the texts I sent before and during the hour or so when pure joy became the only emotion in my world:
I am having an awesome day. I just feel amazing, I guess releasing your soul from darkness can do that! Of course it could just be a surge of estrogen!
The effect of finally being at peace with yourself after years of turmoil cannot be overstated. I am glad I can share some of the joy I am feeling today.
I'm sitting at my desk crying right now because I am just so damn happy. Nothing has happened, I'm just suddenly full of joy. I'm glad no one is looking at me right now. I can't control it.
I think my second awakening has arrived. This is awkward at work! I can't stop smiling and crying. I really need a hug. I am shaking all over. Pure, awesome, 100% joy!!! I don't want to control it or let it end. Nothing else in life has ever felt this amazing.
One of my friends was finally able to make it to my desk, and she held me for 5 - 10 minutes. I was still shaking, and crying, and my hands were still numb. Being able to share such a deeply personal experience with a friend was simply amazing. About 15 minutes later I noticed a text from my sister-in-law saying she was worried about me...
No worries, it's slowly fading now. It was simply indescribable. I'm still shaking. Not to be crude but it was like an emotional orgasm of pure joy that lasted an hour!!! I'm still having aftershocks, but I'm finally calming down. I think that was the emotional release I was waiting for, I just don't know what it will leave behind.
I did manage to take a photo of myself during this time. It is not the best quality, but this is what I looked like for about an hour. It was awkward and a bit embarrassing to have it happen at work. I tried my best to describe what was happening, but I simply can't find any other words to explain what I felt.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTo3ptNY.jpg&hash=50712ccd00ae8e78543900750240da218a54981c) (https://imgur.com/To3ptNY)
ummmm.... I'll have what she's having.
It sounds like an overwhelming success Jessica. Success at what I am not sure but a success never the less.
I am happy to read of your visit with Tia and Debi also. Are they not awesome people? I am sure Susan enjoyed her time with Debi as much as you enjoyed yours with Tia. I had such a good time visiting you, Susan, Jane, Debi and Tia when I was there. You all should get together more often. I would if I was as close as you all are.
Enjoy the feelings,
Hugs,
Laurie
Wow, almost two weeks since my last post! After the burst of changes I went through the first few months of this year things have begun to settle down again, and I think that is a good thing. Life goes on.
I have been pretty busy taking photos at softball tournaments. I usually cover 5 - 6 games on a weekend and take 8000 - 9,000 photos. It takes a while to go through them and find then edit the keepers. I usually only keep about 5% - 8%. When you take photos of every pitch the numbers add up quickly. At the last tournament I took photos over an 8ft fence -- a 6ft woman on a 6ft ladder with a big camera is not inconspicuous! So far I have still had no issues at any of the tournaments. The worst thing I encountered so far was a ladies room without latches on the stall doors.
I still have a few folks at our main office in Cleveland who occasionally dead name me, I know it is just a slip because they have been doing a great job. None of the folks in Cleveland have met the new me, which may be part of the problem -- their mental picture is stuck on the old me. Later this month I hope to correct that. I will be driving to Cleveland for a few days to re-introduce myself to everyone I work with. Hopefully that will reset the mental image they have and convince their brains that my old name really is no longer appropriate!
On the way back to Colorado I will stop by my daughter in Madison, WI. She is very supporting, and I have sent her a few photos, but she has never met Jessica. A few days before my trip my younger daughter will be home from college, she has never met Jessica either. I am really looking forward to meeting both of my daughters and all of my co-workers again!
Not every day is euphoric (I'm not sure I could take that every day), but I am happy now. Every day I still look in the mirror an think 'What have I done?', and then I smile. This has been an incredible journey so far, and I still have some goals to reach.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on May 02, 2018, 06:59:58 AM
Wow, almost two weeks since my last post! After the burst of changes I went through the first few months of this year things have begun to settle down again, and I think that is a good thing. Life goes on.
I have been pretty busy taking photos at softball tournaments. I usually cover 5 - 6 games on a weekend and take 8000 - 9,000 photos. It takes a while to go through them and find then edit the keepers. I usually only keep about 5% - 8%. When you take photos of every pitch the numbers add up quickly. At the last tournament I took photos over an 8ft fence -- a 6ft woman on a 6ft ladder with a big camera is not inconspicuous! So far I have still had no issues at any of the tournaments. The worst thing I encountered so far was a ladies room without latches on the stall doors.
I still have a few folks at our main office in Cleveland who occasionally dead name me, I know it is just a slip because they have been doing a great job. None of the folks in Cleveland have met the new me, which may be part of the problem -- their mental picture is stuck on the old me. Later this month I hope to correct that. I will be driving to Cleveland for a few days to re-introduce myself to everyone I work with. Hopefully that will reset the mental image they have and convince their brains that my old name really is no longer appropriate!
On the way back to Colorado I will stop by my daughter in Madison, WI. She is very supporting, and I have sent her a few photos, but she has never met Jessica. A few days before my trip my younger daughter will be home from college, she has never met Jessica either. I am really looking forward to meeting both of my daughters and all of my co-workers again!
Not every day is euphoric (I'm not sure I could take that every day), but I am happy now. Every day I still look in the mirror an think 'What have I done?', and then I smile. This has been an incredible journey so far, and I still have some goals to reach.
Jessica Rose: Well, you really do not have to apologize for not having the time to post lately.... life happens, work happens... those things are very important to do, then when you have some extra time you can visit your friends here at Susan's Place. ... however while you were "away" I did check your thread to see what's up... and there was no Jessica Rose to be found. Another week without seeing a post from you I would have put an ad in the Susan's Lost and Found... LOL
Some years ago I was really into nature photography, since I did a lot of hiking, snow skiing and boarding and I also had a job where I traveled a lot in the USA, Canada, Mexico, South America, Japan, UK, Germany, Netherlands, etc... I always took my trusty camera with me.... I took tons of photos.... and like you said, after editing out all of the unwanted shots, I only was left with perhaps 1 out of 20 .... or about 5% much like your photo yield.... but I never got anywhere close to 8,000+ photos like you had mentioned. I never got into "taking videos" .... I liked the stills better.
Well, that is interesting about your 2 daughters that you will be getting together with soon... hmmm, they have never met Jessica Rose? That is good news about your daughter in Wisconsin being very supportive to you... and she has seen the pictures of the new you! What about the college daughter, has she seen your new photos and is accepting and all of that? I trust that all goes well for you with your daughters, we are all rooting for you... please keep us updated about that subject since it is very dear to the heart of all transitioners that have family members that meet the new us for the first time.
I loved you very last paragraph..... looking in the mirror and thinking to yourself "What have I done" and then smile.
I can certainly identify with your feelings. Yes, this entire trip is an incredible journey so far, and the ride is not over.
Thank you Jessica Rose for your long awaited update...
I will be checking for more News from you when you post it here and on the other various Forum threads.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle
Thanks Danielle, at least I know one person is reading this! I would love to visit Alaska sometime, I find remote wilderness areas exceptionally beautiful. Video is nice for many occasions, but I have also always preferred still photos. Stills are much easier to share and they make great prints if you actually want one on a desk or wall.
My younger daughter (Kimberly) is also supportive, and she has at least two friends I have met who are now transitioning, one MTF and one FTM. It will be interesting to see her reaction when she finally meets me. Kimberly has seen at least one photo of Jessica Rose via email, but unfortunately she is not big on communication and she has never mentioned it. We don't hear from her as often as we would like, but she is becoming independent, and she is becoming herself. She plans to do some research work for her college over the Summer, but since that is only part-time work she is also looking for another job. She says she wants to start earning more, and she plans to cover all of her expenses over the Summer. How can I complain about that?
I had my annual check-up today, and I had no complaints. Even after battling horrendous traffic and sitting in the exam room wearing one of those oh-so-stylish exam gowns for 30 minutes, my smile never faded. It must have been infectious because my doctor caught it within minutes of entering the room. She suggested I start taking some Vitamin D and fish oil supplements, and she said I should plan on having a mammogram soon. In an odd way that made me happy! She mentioned that she was glad I was her first patient today, because the first patient usually sets the tone for the day and seeing how happy I was had made her happy too!
Although I expected some physical changes, the mental changes for me have been more profound than I ever expected. They come slowly, imperceptibly at first, but eventually you begin to feel them. My anger has faded into a distant unpleasant memory, and a new world of emotions that I barely knew existed has now opened. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I wonder what my life would have been like if I had been born as a cis female, and a feeling of anguish comes over me. I realize that I will never know who I could have been, but at least I finally know who I am now, and I can live the rest of my life as my true self. The anguish quickly turns to a feeling of satisfaction with who I have become, and then the smile returns. No matter what the weather, I can now find beauty and happiness in every day.
What an unexpectedly awesome day! Today I wore my black knee-hi boots (seen in post #109), black jeans, a black and white tunic, and a black and grey jacket. The weather was not so nice, periods of strong winds, snow, and rain, but it turned out great anyway. I had my legs lasered again, and on my way home I stopped off to pick up a few groceries. As I was getting some milk a lady walked up, tapped me on the shoulder and said 'I love those boots! They look so cute on you!' After a silent internal 'squeeeee!', I thanked her for the compliment. That is the first time a stranger ever complimented me on my clothing, and coming from another woman it just really made my day!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on May 03, 2018, 06:08:27 PM
What an unexpectedly awesome day! Today I wore my black knee-hi boots (seen in post #109), black jeans, a black and white tunic, and a black and grey jacket. The weather was not so nice, periods of strong winds, snow, and rain, but it turned out great anyway. I had my legs lasered again, and on my way home I stopped off to pick up a few groceries. As I was getting some milk a lady walked up, tapped me on the shoulder and said 'I love those boots! They look so cute on you!' After a silent internal 'squeeeee!', I thanked her for the compliment. That is the first time a stranger ever complimented me on my clothing, and coming from another woman it just really made my day!
Jessica Rose: Come on now Jessica Rose, you know the rule here on the Forums...
"No picture? It didn't happen!" As you do, I love those unexpected compliments, especially coming from a cis-female and especially about your clothing or boots.... and
"they look so cute on you" ;) ::)
Oh yeah, as where you are, here today it has been cold, below freezing last night, snow coming down this morning and later this afternoon it got up to 44 degrees.... and freezing again tonight.
I enjoyed your update. Oh, I will be looking for your report about Jessica Rose meeting her daughters for the first time.
Hugs,
Danielle
I did two important things today. The second thing I did was to visit the DMV to update the title and registration for my vehicles. I was only able to get two out of three done because I needed the original title from my bank for the third. The clerk was really nice. At one point she asked for my patience because apparently she had never done a name change before, I told her to take her time because I had never done one before either! She also made several comments about how pretty my name was. Overall the visit went pretty well.
The first thing I did was somewhat unplanned, but it is way more important than the visit to the DMV. I had noticed that no matter how happy I was when I left work, as soon as I got home the happiness vanished. I am unable to share my joy with my wife because she is still 'working on it'. It has been 15 months since I came out to her and she has not fully accepted me. This morning before I left for work I told her that she needs to make a decision within the next few days. If she cannot find happiness with me and share in my joy, then we need to take separate paths. If I am not the cause of her sadness then I will do all I can to help her find her path to happiness, but if I am the cause of her pain then there is nothing more I can do.
This was painful, we have been married over 30 years. If the joy of one causes pain for the other, then I don't see how we can both find happiness. I honestly do not know what is going to happen, but one way or the other we need to get past this point in our relationship.
Hi Jessica,
Congrats on the DMV experience. It is nice to hear of things that go right.
I am saddened however about #1 important event. That is a very hard one for you both. I very much enjoyed my visit with the two of you and was heartened when you posted your pleasure on hearing you wife trying to correctly use your name and gender. You are both wonderful people and I know it can be difficult. without taking sides I hope you both can be happy. You two have been together so long I cannot imagine that you two would possibly split. I sincerely hope you two can work things out. There has to be a great desire from you both to make that happen though.
I ruined my marriage and regret it happening now. My ex had every right to leave that man she was married to. I know this but it was a difficult thing for me to accept. People do change and you have undergone quite a change. I know it seems like you have waited enough for her to come around, but have you really? Will you regret parting or is it time to throw in the towel and give up? I cannot answer that for you two. All I can tell you was I wish things had worked out differently for me so long ago so that I didn't need to lose my family.
My wife leaving me was my fault. I don't know that I could have done it differently. I do know the me of back then is different than the me of today and that my dysphoria did have something to do with it. Would it have been different if I had known about it back then? Would my marriage have survived my transitioning? I do not know, but I do doubt it. I will never know that challenge. I do see couples surviving it and I have seen others not.
All I can do is cross my fingers and hope for the best outcome for both of you.
Hugs to you both,
Laurie
I think we are OK now. My wife told me that I am not the cause of her sadness (well at least not all of it). It sounds like the issue is more likely 'empty nest' syndrome, with a dash of transition for an extra kick in the pants. I posted about the issue in a separate thread here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,237239.msg2132588.html#msg2132588
Short version - I told her as long as I was not the issue, together we can overcome anything. We still have some work to do, and we will be doing it together.
Jessica and Susan,
This post has made me very happy for both of you. I'm sorry to hear of that empty nest syndrome issue but I can definitely relate to it on a completely different level. I'm afraid a fair amount of us can not through the children leaving home but in their loss due to non acceptance. When you lose grand kids with them it can really hurt.
I believe you are right Jessica, together you two can handle just about anything.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on May 07, 2018, 08:29:12 PMI think we are OK now. My wife told me that I am not the cause of her sadness (well at least not all of it). It sounds like the issue is more likely 'empty nest' syndrome, with a dash of transition for an extra kick in the pants. I posted about the issue in a separate thread here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,237239.msg2132588.html#msg2132588
Short version - I told her as long as I was not the issue, together we can overcome anything. We still have some work to do, and we will be doing it together.
Jessica Rose, well, that is certainly very good news about you and your wife. I am very happy for you both.
I was saddened by your earlier report that things were not going well between you two mainly because of your transition.... obviously that is a very difficult thing for a spouse to handle.
Again, I am so relieved that you and her have been able to work through this to this point.
Thanks for posting your good news.
Hugs,
Danielle
I got myself up to date. Yay!!! I loved being able to follow all of the progress you made in one sitting. It was just amazing to see how you managed to navigate all of those milestones so well. It gives me a sense of hope that I can do something similar in the next year or two. Thank you soooo much for so openly sharing your journey!!!
xoxoxo
Alyssa
My wife and I had a great weekend. The highlight was having lunch with Tia and Debi again. It is always nice meeting and talking to a similar couple whose marriage survived transition. They were even gracious enough to give us a text copy of an interview they had with Story Corps. My wife read it while we were on the drive home, and I read it later that evening. I cannot thank them enough for being so open to us about their relationship.
Today I had an interesting discussion with my electrologist. Last year the subject came up about electrolysis in relation to planning for possible GCS. At the time she told me her husband was not comfortable with her working in that area on men. After my public transition I teased her that since my driver's license states that I am a woman she should be able to take care of that area now! Well a last week I met her husband again, but it was the first time he had met Jessica. We talked for a bit, then he had to leave. Apparently after meeting me he had a change of heart, and he is now OK with his wife working in that area (but only for me)! At one time she trained as a nurse, and she is not squeamish about it. I am not sure when we will start, but it will be great having someone I trust work down there. It will be a bit embarrassing initially, but I know she will do a wonderful job for me.
My younger daughter will be home this weekend, and on Sunday I will hit the road for Cleveland to meet my co-workers for the first time as Jessica. Hopefully it will help them reset their mental image of me. This is the first time I have ever looked forward to a Cleveland trip! On the way back I will visit my older daughter in Wisconsin.
I think the next week or two are going to be simply awesome!
Jessica Rose: That story about your electrologist and her husband was somewhat humorous. Since she had been trained as a nurse she has seen it all on many men and women. It is a little silly that her husband first objected to her working on your private area.... UNTIL... he met Jessica Rose. It should be affirming to you that her husband changed his mind once your two met. At this point in your transition journey you need to put embarrassment away... when and if you have GCS, lots of doctors, nurses, etc will be looking at "every" part of your private area and more.
You have a quite exciting schedule ahead of you... seeing your younger daughter this weekend and then hitting the road on a business trip as Jessica Rose and then seeing your older daughter on your way back home. If I remember correctly neither of your two daughters have yet to meet Jessica Rose... I think that you did send them photos, right? That will be quite a memorable event for you and for your daughters.
When you meet your co-workers in Cleveland, how are you expecting them to react when they meet Jessica Rose? Have they seen photos yet.... When and how were they informed that you transitioned?
I am looking forward to your updates about all of this... I am very happy for you and wishing you well.
Hugs,
Danielle
Embarrassment is definitely an impediment to progress! Just like going out in public the first time, you know it is going to happen so there is no sense wasting time worrying about it.
Neither of my daughters have met me. They have seen photos and talked to me on the phone, but I think they will be a little surprised when they see me. Hopefully it will be a nice surprise.
My co-workers have seen a small profile photo (head shot) on our internal website and many have heard me on the phone or over Skype, but no one from Cleveland has ever met Jessica. It has been over a year since they have even seen 'him'. I am hoping they will say something along the lines of 'wow', ' I don't believe it', or 'you look amazing'. I don't think any of them realize how different I look. I may even wear a dress and sandals for the first time! I want to leave no doubt that they person they knew has retired and moved on, and that the replacement is even better than the original.
Hope you will have a lovely trip to Cleveland!
Co-workers reaction is really very interesting. With me working home office or being at customers, I rarely see more than one or two regulars. So I jumped during our annual customer conference with about 10% of the company attending.
Reactions have been all good but with a wide variety. Anything from asking for to join a selfie picture to not even recognizing me (not in an ignoring way, simply not figuring out who I am.) Most people just said nothing. I was fully treated as "Sarah". I could sense a lot of interest but also insecurity about how to approach the subject which may explain the hesitation to ask. For some I opened a door: When they asked "How have you been" I just responded with "Well, this happened" pointing to myself which made it easier for them to start asking a few careful questions. Out of the 200 or so coworkers, only one asked a few more questions and one of our development partners I used to work with for years asked even more questions.
There was certainly some "wow" and "you look amazing".
I have learned over the last year that it is really hard for people to talk about it. Most are just worried to ask anything wrong or say anything which could make me uncomfortable. Out of fear they just chose not to talk about it at all. I do not mind talking about (most) aspects of my transition. It was a very mixed feeling I had at the end: Yes, I was super happy not having run into any issues. And just being seen as Sarah felt really great. But i would have also expected a little more interest.
Speaking of electrologist: How did you approach the topic? I see mine on Friday and I know I need to start asking too. She has worked with trans patients in the past and does offer bikini area treatments but i am very embarrassed to ask... I am very happy it worked out for you!
Reminds me of being 14 year old and having a tick stuck in my groin area. Of course, the doctor had to be super cute, young, blonde and very pretty. I so wanted a different doctor and was so embarrassed ;D
Thanks Sarah! Congrats on your smooth transition too!
Although I dropped by our Cleveland for an hour or two last year, there are quite a few people I work with out there who have not seen me in person for at least four years. I am hopeful that one or two won't recognize me.
I agree that some people just don't know how to react, while others may fear being accidentally offensive in some way. I have noticed that women are far more likely to ask questions than men. I try to be as open as possible about the subject and make them feel comfortable. Sometimes I'll mention the conversation I had with the clerk at the SSA office when she mentioned that she had never done a gender change before, and I replied that it was a first for me too! Showing others that I had a sense of humor about it tends to make them more at ease. I had a dental appointment today and the hygienist stopped a few times so we could talk. I made her laugh on several occasions by telling her about parts of my journey.
For the electrologist I would say something like 'There are some other areas I would like to be free of hair. Are there any areas that you won't work on?' Of course they may respond with 'What specific areas are you referring to?' In which case you are cornered and would need to be more specific. I think in my case I mentioned that I was interested in GCS, but I would need electrolysis in that area. Then I asked if she would do it. Her initial answer was that she would, except she knew her husband did not want her working on that area with men. I am pleased that her husband now agrees I no longer fall into that category!
Just a few miscellaneous happenings...
Last week my wife had a dental appointment, so I went along. While the dentist was working on her I was talking to him, his assistant, the dental hygienist, and the receptionist! They all had some questions, and I was happy to answer them. Apparently I am their first client to transition, and none of them knew anyone else who had transitioned. At one point I mentioned all of the 'before' and 'after' photos he had of his patients, and I said he had to hang a 'before' an 'after' of me too! They all laughed, but he agreed. As soon as he finished the dental work on my wife we went back to his office and he took a few photos. The 'before' photo is from about 12 years ago, so the change is even more dramatic. Hopefully he will let me know about the reactions he gets from other patients.
Today for the first time ever I wore something with heels! I bought some ankle boots with 2.5 inch heels a few months ago and decided it was time to wear them. I had never worn anything with heels over 1 inch high before, and it took a little time to get used to them. My calves certainly got a workout, and I was happy to take them off as soon as I got home! Although it felt a bit unnatural to walk on the balls of my feet all day, the boots were reasonably comfortable and I am sure I will wear them again soon.
I also had a conversation with one of my male friends at work, and somehow the conversation turned to clothing sizes.
Friend: 'I weighed around 195lbs for most of my life.'
Me: 'So did I, anywhere from 190 - 200 was normal for me.'
Friend: 'So we have roughly the same body shape.'
Me: (looking down at my chest) 'Well not anymore!'
The comment really caught him off guard and it took both of us a minute or two to stop laughing!
Congratulations on rocking some heels! I think when my time comes for that one I will have somebody video it so we can send it in to America's Funniest Home Videos. I am all but certain to fall on my bum/face/everything. I could apply the $10,000 to transition costs!! ;)
xoxoxo
Alyssa
Progress Jessica. Let me know when you get to 4+' heels and platforms are cheating
I agree that platforms are cheating, but 2.5 inch heels are plenty for me right now thank you! Still moving forward, another first for me -- today I wore sandals to work! These also have about 2.5 inch heels, but when you wear a size 12 sandal it really does not look very tall. These were quite a bit more comfortable than the ankle boots I wore yesterday. This may be the first time I have ever taken a photo of my feet, and it was only the second time I ever painted my toenails. Yes, they match my fingernails.
So far all of the boots (size 13) and sandals (size 12) I have bought came from Long Tall Sally.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkSRoBT0.jpg&hash=ad14bb75da2974bbbba253c9c65747bf4eb3b831) (https://imgur.com/kSRoBT0)
Our younger daughter Kimberly made it home from college Friday night -- technically Saturday morning at 12:30am. My wife stayed up to meet her, but I was fast asleep.
Later in the morning we talked for a bit. She reminded me that she had been home over Easter break, so seeing Jessica was not a surprise. We all went out to lunch, then we went shopping. It was uneventful. After we got home I showed her one of the nail polishes my friend had given me, it changes color from purple, to copper, then to green depending on how the light hits it. Guess what color my daughter's nails are now!
I started packing for my trip Saturday evening and showed Kimberly a few dresses I was planning to take (she approved of all of them). I also asked her thoughts on a few denim dresses, and she was comfortable giving me her opinions. In fact the entire day felt normal. Now that I think about it, 'normal' is actually something incredible. My daughter's father is now a woman, and she still loves me. I find that simply amazing.
I am still packing for my trip. I don't know what I will be wearing, so I am taking a wide selection. I do plan to wear a dress on at least my first day at work in Cleveland (Tuesday), I am just not certain which one. I am no longer frightened about going out into the world as myself. I want to make a statement. I want them to know that the former version of me is gone, that Jessica Rose is here to stay, and she wants the world to know. For some reason the lyrics from an old song by Helen Reddy come to mind...
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can face anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
Congrats on getting to your new normal Jessica. The day with your daughter was very nice to read about. Made me a bit sad and wistful. I am so glad you have that good relations ship with your daughter.
btw That's a darned good old song.
Have a great trip tp Cleveland. Be safe and return home safely.
Give Susan a hug for me.
Hugs,
Laurie
My drive to Cleveland took about 20 hours. I stopped overnight in Omaha. Even though I drove through fog or misty rain almost all the way from Omaha to Cleveland, I was smiling most of the way! I think my first day was successful. Most of the ladies gave me hugs, while all but one of the guys just shook hands -- the other one hugged me! The most fun part was our receptionist. She does a really good job remembering people's names, so I had to tease her a little:
Me:'Do you remember me?'
Receptionist: 'You look familiar...'
Me: 'The last time you saw me was April last year, but I have changed a little since then.'
Receptionist: 'Your name is Diane, right?'
Me: 'Nope. Maybe it will help if I show you my old driver's license.'
Receptionist: 'Oh my! I never would have guessed. You look great!'
One person even talked to me for several minutes before he realized who I was. I think most of them were a bit surprised at how I looked. Nine of us went out to lunch, and I was really hungry since I had not eaten much since a big breakfast in Omaha the day before. After lunch we had a team meeting. There were 10 of us, and I was the only female. One of the DBAs I work with commented about my smile, she said just seeing my smile told her that I had found peace. She said that she was happy for me. Only one or two folks messed up their pronouns, and I gently corrected them. After three months I think it is time I start correcting people when they get it wrong, but I will be nice about it.
For the first time in my life I wore a dress in public. I was nervous as hell, but I was not scared. I did take some photos before I went to work. It is not as nice as most of my other photos, but I just had to post a shot of my first day out in a dress.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPuVGFIV.jpg&hash=03f1091d5c1ead770f41caaffe5a22b34d7b2d30) (https://imgur.com/PuVGFIV)
Congrats Jessica! So glad to hear about your successful first day in Cleveland. Funny story about the receptionist.
Love your work outfit, very professional and you look great!
Enjoy the rest of your trip, from now on it will be all smooth sailing...
Hugs,
Sarah
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on May 22, 2018, 07:53:29 PM
My drive to Cleveland took about 20 hours. I stopped overnight in Omaha. Even though I drove through fog or misty rain almost all the way from Omaha to Cleveland, I was smiling most of the way! I think my first day was successful. Most of the ladies gave me hugs, while all but one of the guys just shook hands -- the other one hugged me! The most fun part was our receptionist. She does a really good job remembering people's names, so I had to tease her a little:
Me:'Do you remember me?'
Receptionist: 'You look familiar...'
Me: 'The last time you saw me was April last year, but I have changed a little since then.'
Receptionist: 'Your name is Diane, right?'
Me: 'Nope. Maybe it will help if I show you my old driver's license.'
Receptionist: 'Oh my! I never would have guessed. You look great!'
One person even talked to me for several minutes before he realized who I was. I think most of them were a bit surprised at how I looked. Nine of us went out to lunch, and I was really hungry since I had not eaten much since a big breakfast in Omaha the day before. After lunch we had a team meeting. There were 10 of us, and I was the only female. One of the DBAs I work with commented about my smile, she said just seeing my smile told her that I had found peace. She said that she was happy for me. Only one or two folks messed up their pronouns, and I gently corrected them. After three months I think it is time I start correcting people when they get it wrong, but I will be nice about it.
For the first time in my life I wore a dress in public. I was nervous as hell, but I was not scared. I did take some photos before I went to work. It is not as nice as most of my other photos, but I just had to post a shot of my first day out in a dress.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPuVGFIV.jpg&hash=03f1091d5c1ead770f41caaffe5a22b34d7b2d30) (https://imgur.com/PuVGFIV)
Looking good in that blue dress. Congratulations on the first day in Cleveland. You pulled it off well.
Hugs,
Laurie
Well there you go, very nice. Do you think blues your colour as your looking smart ( well it is work) . Feels good when it all comes together, XXXXXXXX
I have always liked blue, grey and red. Over the last few years I finally started to like some greens. I have never been a big fan of yellow, orange, or pastels.
Day two was uneventful. I did have a long meeting with my managers manager, and he was really nice. I was not sure if he knew about my transition, so I told him. There are still a few things lingering in our systems that have my dead name, and I did not want to surprise him later or have him hear about it from another source. He said we all have to find our own path to happiness, and he was glad that I had found my path. He also mentioned to let him know if I needed his help to get the dead name issues cleaned up, but personally I would prefer not to get him directly involved unless my manager hits a dead end.
I did wear another dress today, and I have one more ready to go for Thursday. I will be driving to Madison, WI on Friday so I will stick with jeans that day. Here is dress #2...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYdD70QL.jpg&hash=11404449e249b504f91fbee315f72f68bce8d187) (https://imgur.com/YdD70QL)
Today was a little more interesting. Around 10:15am I got an IM from my manager mentioning that our director (two levels above my manager) wanted to meet me, and we set an appointment for 11:00am. I told my manager that I felt like I was being called to the principal's office, but for a good reason. I had never met her before, but she was very nice. I told her my background, but saved the best for last. I did not know if she knew about my transition, but as with the group manager I decided to tell her. She was surprised, and she congratulated me. We wound up talking for about 45 minutes, and near the end of the meeting I mentioned that this was the first week I had ever worn a dress in public. Then she said, 'Oh, that was YOU in the blue dress on Tuesday!' Apparently the dress did help me make a statement. She also said that she liked my purse. After work my manager said, off the record, that when he saw me Tuesday his first thought was 'Wow!'.
I did wear another dress today. It was forecast to be in the mid-80's so I saved the lightest one for last. My wife and younger daughter actually thought this was the best of the three. I realize it was the same length as the one I wore yesterday, and maybe it was just because of the lighter weight fabric, but I felt naked wearing it. I also felt awesome! Here is a photo of dress #3...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fl5Q36pC.jpg&hash=d90b3f4e4f97066819d635f3c06e57a88ed307b8) (https://imgur.com/l5Q36pC)
Look at you, all business lady! I am very happy to hear that everything did go well for you. Amazing meeting with your Director too!
I do like dress #1 and dress #3 best. You can really rock any dress.
Safe travels home!
Sarah
I made it safely from Cleveland to Madison WI on Friday. The 8hr drive was a little over 9hrs due to heavy traffic. I was beat, but I did get to see my older daughter Emily. She came to the hotel to meet me, and after a big hug we went out to dinner. She told me what was going on in her life, and we talked for an hour or so before leaving the restaurant. So far so good.
This morning (Saturday) started off a bit ugly. I was waiting for breakfast in the hotel dining area and heard the cook talking to a co-worker:
Cook: 'Did you see the guy in a dress?'
Co-worker: 'Yeah, I saw him'
I was the only person in the dining area wearing a dress, so I expect they were referring to me. I held my tongue and ate my breakfast. After I was done I went to the front desk and mentioned that they needed to let the cooking staff know it was rude to talk about hotel guests. The clerk apologized and said she would talk to them. The only drawback is now I don't feel safe eating there because there is no telling what the cook may put in my food.
A little later my daughter picked me up and we went to the local farmer's market. Emily picked up some fresh produce, I bought her a necklace she liked, and I picked up some jams for my wife. We went to lunch, then shopping at the local mall. Eventually we wound up at 'Forever 21'. While Emily was trying on a top, I found a dress that I liked. I showed it to her when she came out and she said that I should try it on. So now it was my turn in the dressing room. It fit great! After I came out Emily helped me find the dress in a few different colors, and she helped me look for a few additional dresses. She even commented on which colors would work best with my skin tone. I would up getting four new dresses. Now that was something most dad's never get to experience, having their daughter help pick out dresses for their dad! Needless to say, I felt great about the situation, and Emily laughed about it.
Later we went back to her apartment and talked about my previous life. She told me that after college she felt she could not come home due to my anger issues, and she was glad that the job she found was far away. That nearly broke my heart, but I know she was talking about him, and I don't blame her for feeling like that. She also mentioned that on several occasions while she was still living at home she had debated calling the police due to what she believed was emotional abuse. Luckily for me she always talked herself out of it. At the time I did not realize how deeply my anger was affecting my daughters, I was blinded my my own emotions. As the song says:
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
Now I can see and at least partially understand how much my anger affected one of my daughters. I try not to think about it much, it brings on waves of anguish. I told Emily that I was very sorry and deeply regretted the pain I had caused her. I thought I had been protecting my family by hiding my secret, but finally realizing that hiding my secret was actually hurting the people I loved the most had helped me accept that I was transgender.
Emily seems to understand, and she has now seen that I have become a different person. My frustration and anger are gone, they have been replaced by other emotions along with a dose of empathy. I think our relationship is now on a new path. I can never make up for what I did in the past, but I can make our future a much brighter one.
Jessica, while a bit painful and eye opening at times, this sounds like a very fruitful trip. I have thoroughly enjoyed shopping with my sister and can't wait for my granddaughter to gain a few years to go shopping like that with her, it must have felt awesome to do it with your daughter! Enjoy these kind of moments, they are the ones to be remembered for years.
Tia Anne
Jessica, thank you for sharing that story, especially the part about your talk with your daughter. I think that, to put the past behind us, we have to face it. It sounds like the two of you have done that together. I am so happy for you that she accepts you. How cool to have her help you buy dresses!
Emily and I started off the day by heading up to Devil's Lake, WI. We even took the Merrimac Ferry across the Wisconsin River along the way. We hiked all the way around the lake, about 5.5 miles, in under three hours. The mosquitoes kept us moving quickly at the start of the trail, and the temperature climbed from the low 80's into the low 90's during the hike. Emily hikes quite often, but I think I did a reasonable job keeping up with her. I even found some nice folks to take our photo. Another first, I work a skort for the hike - I loved it!
Once we got back in town and cleaned up we went shopping again. One of the stores we visited was 'Title IX', which carries women's athletic clothing. Emily found a few dresses to try on, and she helped me pick out a few also. I would up buying one dress for her and two for me, plus another skort.
After dinner we went back to her apartment and talked. I asked Emily what she thought of me, and she basically said that she was amazed at the changes -- it was like meeting a new person. She agrees that I am not the same person she used to know. I asked her if she could send an email to her mom telling her about the changes she has noticed in me. Since my wife has been at my side all the time it is possible she has not noticed how much I have actually changed. However, since Emily had never met Jessica before the changes would appear much more abrupt to her and would be easier to notice. I also told her it was OK to tell her whole story, not to worry about hurting my feelings. I know 'he' had many flaws, but I am no longer that person.
I know my legs could use a bit more sun, but even though I was sweaty, hot, and tired, I think my smile says it all.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F2KKhkmK.jpg&hash=a38ae1d46e3a1c1756a83a429644354c770e407a) (https://imgur.com/2KKhkmK)
Hi Jessica,
I've read some of the posts I had missed and loved reading about the office trip and your visit with your daughter. You do realize that part made me a bit jealous and envious.
I do have one observation though in regards to the cook. Why did you look around to verify that you were the only one in the dining room wearing a dress? By doing so you gave up your plausible deniability and "knew" they had to be talking about you. Until then you could assume it was not you and it would not have been a bother to you. They could have been talking about anyone. By talking to the desk person, you acknowledged that you were bothered by what they said. You also caused yourself more bother by inducing fear of retaliation from them should they get that diversity talk you, (and I agree), thought they could benefit from. So ultimately you awarded them the power over you by being upset during, and fearful after.
Otherwise I am glad you had such a good time with your visit with youre daughter.
Hugs,
Laurie
There were only a few other people in the dining area at the time, so even without looking around I was reasonably sure they were referring to me. I am not sure if anyone else noticed the staff's conversation, and I didn't notice anyone paying any undue attention to me. I did not actively scan the room, I just continued eating my breakfast as though nothing had happened. Initially I was not going to say anything at all, but I felt not speaking up would let them 'win'. I would rather eat somewhere else than miss a possible educational opportunity. I just told the front desk that the cooking staff was rude to talk about other guests. I did not repeat the conversation to the front desk, nor did I mention that I believed the comments were directed at me. I plan to eat there again tomorrow, but I will wait at the counter and watch the cook prepare my meal, which should reduce the potential for any tampering. He may accidentally overcook it though, I just may be wearing something a bit distracting!
I have the power. It is mine, and no one is going to take it from me. I don't care if other's know I am transgender, I just want them to treat me with the same respect they would show any other person. I have the confidence to stand up for myself, and I would gladly tell my story to the staff if it would help.
Well okay, Jessica.I can understand the educational opportunity also. There are always at least 2 ways to look at anything. We do as we see is right for us and the situation. It sounds like you like the way you handled it and I would have done differently. Neither is wrong. Glad you are doing well.
Hugs,
Laurie
In addition to complaining to the front desk I actually responded to an email survey from the hotel. I did not mention any specifics, or even that I was reasonably sure the offending comments were directed at me, but apparently my comments did make it a little further... I received this note from the assistant manager of the hotel today (I redacted a few identifying portions):
Dear Jessica xxxxxx,
Thank you for completing the survey regarding your recent stay at our property. First off, I want you to know this is not the culture of our company, or of this hotel. I also want you to know, I take every and all complaints very seriously. I was made aware of the situation immediately after it happened. I have made my point very clear with the employees involved, of what was or wasn't said, is not tolerated.
On behalf of our entire team, I would like to apologize for not exceeding your expectations. Your satisfaction is important to us and we will be using the feedback you gave us to implement improvements to ensure we offer a better experience for guests in the future.
I hope that you will consider staying with us again so that we can have another chance to provide you with a superior experience.
If I can provide any assistance, please don't hesitate to contact me directly at 999-999-9999.
Of course this could just be 'lip service', but I will give them the benefit of the doubt and call it a win. I did go back to the dining area for breakfast on Monday, but the cooking staff was different. I really wanted them to see what I was wearing. My daughter picked it out for me!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTfNuehm.jpg&hash=d63a32d54e747d8f545fffc9b8aa547a8c20cb19) (https://imgur.com/TfNuehm)
I think I would call it a win also Jessica along with the dress you are wearing. Both of you look nice. Your daughter reminds me of her mother. Speaking of Susan Please tell here Hi for me and give her a hugs too.
Hugs,
Laurie
I thought this was gonna be about a rose garden lol.
As I'm considering creating a specific area for my roses at home. Lolol
I guess roses would be appropriate today, it is our 34th Wedding Anniversary! There were many times during the last year or so when I was certain we would not reach this day and still be together, but luckily I was wrong (according to my wife that happens a lot). For some reason my wife decided to give this a chance, and I am now reasonably sure there will be many more anniversaries in our future. As I mentioned in a previous post -- I told my wife that if our marriage can survive my transition, then there is nothing that will tear us apart. I am not sure where we would be without the support we received from the folks here at Susan's. Maybe it was a response to one of my posts, or maybe it was something I read in another thread. Either way, all of you have my deepest thanks.
Yesterday I had my legs and stomach lasered again. This time I tried to count the number of zaps. I know the number is not exact, but it was around 3000 laser pulses! You simply get tired of saying 'ouch' after a while.
Congratulations on your wedding anniversary! Did you give each other roses? 🌹🌹🌹
Hugs and smiles, the other Jessica
Thanks Jessica! No roses, but we did get some daylilies for one of our flower beds. The biggest surprise I received was the card my wife gave me, it was the first card she has ever addressed to 'Jessica Rose'! Seemingly small things like that really mean a lot to me. My parents also called to wish us a Happy Anniversary, and for the first time both of them called me 'Jessica'.
I still can't believe what I have done. Sometimes I wonder if it is a dream and I will wake up soon. After decades of frustration and anger I feel as though I have my life back. There is still a long way to go on my journey, and I know there will be some rough trails and detours along the way, but at least now I believe that I have found the right path.
Happy Anniversary (belated) to two wonderful people I have had the pleasure to meet and stay a night with. I enjoyed my time with you both and wish you many more happy anniversaries.
Love ya both,
Hugs,
Laurie
My trip to Cleveland was the first long solo road trip I had taken since going full time. I don't know exactly why, but it really increased my confidence. In fact I had enough confidence to wear a skirt to work for the first time today. I thought it may have been a bit short, but I got several favorable comments from some female co-workers. A few of them said it was a cute outfit, I don't think anyone has said that about my clothing since I was 5 or 6 years old!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FB6FWo6e.jpg&hash=133e3de2d4a4d23dcb094b801bdf2c1f94e531e7) (https://imgur.com/B6FWo6e)
Looking good Jessica and sounds like you are doing well at work too with the other ladies. Feels good doesn't it?
Hugs,
Laurie
Today worked out great. I finally got the paperwork I needed from my bank to re-register my car, now all my vehicles are registered to Jessica!
On the way home I stopped off to pick up a few groceries. While I was looking at some peaches a lady came over and said 'I saw you walking across the parking lot, I love your dress!' I was wearing the grey one from reply #182.
I am also really starting to like the new powers I gained by transitioning. Earlier in the week I was heading towards a door and noticed a man heading for the same door. In my previous life I would have sped up to get there first, but this time I slowed down. Guess what? The guy opened the door for me! Yep, I'm liking this!
By the way Laurie, I love your new avatar!
I have not run away, I have just been busy! I took photos at four different softball tournaments over the last two weekends and have over 15,000 photos to go through. Hopefully I will finish before high school softball starts. At one tournament yesterday a woman even asked if I would take photos of her daughter's game. I did not have any other games scheduled, so I photographed one of their games yesterday, and another one today.
I spoke to the high school softball coach last Tuesday. I had told her about my transition a few months ago. She knew 'him' for two years, but she had never met me. I went to one of their practices to say hello. I recognized many of the players, and one of them even knows about me, but none of them seemed to notice. After practice I talked to the coach for about 40 minutes. I told her some of the stories from my transition and had her laughing most of the time. She said she was amazed about how transparent I was being. Whether or not I will be taking photos for the high school is still undetermined. In early August she will have two parent meeting, one for everyone and a second for returning parents. I will be able to talk to the returning parents and answer any questions they may have. I have been taking photos at the school for seven years, so they all know me, or rather they knew 'him'. The parents will basically vote to see if I will be welcome back. At some levels this stinks, but I also do not want to be somewhere I am not welcome. After all if they are uncomfortable with me after all of these years, why would I want to keep spending hundreds of hours taking and editing photos for free? I expect it will be fine, but if not I will take the high road and abide with their decision.
Today my younger daughter called, she is working at her college in New Mexico over the summer. She rarely calls, texts, or sends emails. We talked for about an hour and had a great conversation. Near the end she said something unexpected, she basically asked me to come down and visit her. This brought tears to my eyes. She has become very independent, and she has never requested a visit before. She has accepted and supported my decision, but this goes much deeper. This gives me hope that I will be able to build a new relationship with her.
Yesterday my wife and I went out to eat. On the way inside a woman leaving the restaurant looked at me and said 'I love your dress!' I have already gotten more compliments about my wardrobe than 'he' ever did!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Foi6xYex.jpg&hash=46cc3dae9d8bf9f60f558db528787fe59f0a7faf) (https://imgur.com/oi6xYex)
Had some fun today! My wife and I did our grocery shopping, we go to the same store at nearly the same time every week. We see the same store greeter almost every time. Today on the way out of the store the greeter stopped us and began talking to my wife:
Greeter: Where is your husband? I haven't seen him lately.
Wife: Right there!
The greeter looked at me and asked: Why are you dressed up?
Me: I am much happier now!
The greeter looked at me again, then gave me a hug. She was still a bit bewildered, but seemed to accept it. I had a hard time not laughing on the way out to the car, it certainly made my day!
One other interesting thing. I mentioned in an earlier post about my electrologist's husband giving her the OK to work on me 'down below'. Well today we started. It was embarrassing for about 10 seconds, then she went to work. So far we did not encounter any areas that were too painful, but there is still a lot of ground to cover.
My wife and I went to the zoo today. They have some grey wolves, and one recently had pups. We have only seen the wolves once or twice over at least a dozen visits. Today not only did we see one of the wolves, but the pups followed her out of the den! We also saw a few baby meerkats. The coolest part of the visit was that no one appeared to take a second look at me. The more I think about it, the more incredible it seems. I still can't believe what I have done, and every time I look in the mirror I smile.
After lunch and a little shopping (now I have some swimsuits!), it was time to go home and mow the yard. I noticed one of our neighbors outside, she is about the same age as I am. I had not yet officially come out to any of our neighbors. I decided it may as well be today, so I went over and introduced myself. I was concerned because I know they are a religious family and sometimes religion and transitioning does not mix. It went very well. Apparently our neighbor has a relative who transitioned, along with a few others who are gay. I also gave her a copy of my 'friends and neighbors' coming out letter and welcomed her to ask questions. A few hours later her daughter came over with a card which read:
"Just want to say thanks a bunch for your courage coming out. I enjoyed reading your beautiful letter, and am so happy to hear you have your family's support. P.S - Great name!"
What a beautiful ending to a perfect day.
Hi Jessica
It was about time you let your neighbor in on the neighborhood news. I am glad it went well for you. Soon you'll be out to everyone and it will no longer matter. You will be you and that is all there is to it. I'll have to make a return visit so I can talk to your better half some more.
Hugs,
Laurie
I just don't see my neighbors outside often, but I may make the rounds soon and let them know about the new lady living at my house! I consider myself out to everyone, even though some of them never got the memo.
Today I wore one of the dresses my daughter helped pick out for me during my visit to Wisconsin. I was amazed at the person looking back in the mirror. What a cruel thing to have endured for so long, having to hide from everyone. Even another hour of electrolysis 'down under' this afternoon did not affect my smile.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6PsJdZs.jpg&hash=71b7c05983dd50394cbfea4f9a677655c389c383) (https://imgur.com/6PsJdZs)
Wow Jessica, another good picture of you in proper clothing looking happy. Good for you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Jessica,
I just found this post. Love it. So very happy for you.
Julie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on June 27, 2018, 10:40:37 PM
Today I wore one of the dresses my daughter helped pick out for me during my visit to Wisconsin. I was amazed at the person looking back in the mirror. What a cruel thing to have endured for so long, having to hide from everyone.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6PsJdZs.jpg&hash=71b7c05983dd50394cbfea4f9a677655c389c383) (https://imgur.com/6PsJdZs)
Love the outfit, you look great!!
Julie
I did have an interesting development yesterday. My wife and I will be heading to Murfreesboro, TN to take photos at a 16U National Championship softball tournament during the second week of July. The following week we will be at Ft. Walton Beach, FL taking photos at an 18U National Championship softball tournament. Along the way we will visit relatives near Shreveport, Louisiana. My wife has finally decided that it is time to tell her relatives, and one of them is a sister who lives near Shreveport. We plan to send her a letter within the next day or two explaining my decision to transition. Hopefully she will be accepting and will be open for a visit from her new sister-in-law! Win or lose, I see this as a positive step from my wife. She has finally decided to start moving forward again.
Congrats on the photo gigs Jessica. OMG I had to look up where that Walton's beach place was. It almost isn't in Florida ya know? Say goodnight to John Boy for me while you are there.
You do realize you will be down in the deep south going from Florida to Louisiana. It made me a bit nervous going through there on my road trip. I know the likelihood of you having a problem on your trip is probably pretty darn low but it is a lot higher than in around Denver. You keep your eyes open and be careful Hun.
I also see Susan's decision as a step in the right direction and she should be given some praise for it. I am sure it wasn't a very easy one for her to take but she is and it is progress. Good going Susan.
I hope you two have a great trip and all goes well.
Love and hugs,
Laurie
I grew up down there, so I know how some of them feel about people like us. To be honest I had similar feelings at one time in my life. When you grow up in an environment where it is considered normal to discriminate against and disrespect people who are different, it is difficult not to have those same thoughts and feelings. My attitude has gotten quite an adjustment since the day I figured out who I was! I expect there are others on Susan's who have gone through a similar adjustment.
The letters to my wife's brother and sister went out Saturday (30 June). The letter was similar to the coming out letter I used for work. Susan read over the letters before they went in the mail. I included a 4x6 photo. I still don't believe that is me!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FOjzppGf.jpg&hash=7a43db57af488c03d702615d1ef7da0ba03e8665) (https://imgur.com/OjzppGf)
Good luck to you and Susan. Love & Hugs go with you both.
Laurie
Good luck with the coming-out letters to your family. That is a gorgeous photo. You have such a nice smile!
I agree with the sentiment about the environment you grew up in. Mine was full of anti trans and anti gay sentiment from others. I knew very young what I was though and fought and had shame because of that environment. It takes a lot of attitude adjustment to accept yourself and others. I'm glad we are both making piece. Kudos on the letter and the photo. Yes, it's hard to believe the person in the photos is really us!
Bari Jo
I had an awesome day! My wife and I drove up to Loveland for a softball tournament. My team only played one game today, but they won! While I was leaving the fields with my camera and stepladder I received a totally unexpected compliment from a complete stranger. He said:
"Excuse me ma'am, are you Dutch? I know a Dutch woman who is tall and beautiful just like you."
I certainly was not looking my best after being in the heat for about two hours, but the comment made me feel simply incredible.
As an added bonus my wife and I met with Debi and Tia for dinner! As far as I am concerned, that was just about as perfect as a day can get.
I am at the tournament in Murfreesboro this week. It is hot and humid. I expected that, but not at 9:00 in the morning! Before arriving I received a text from one of the team moms. They rented a lodge for the players and moms. They had some extra room and invited me and my wife to stay with them! I asked if she was sure, and she said the girls and the moms wanted us there! I can't believe that I am sharing a house with a dozen teenage girls, four moms, and the female coach, no men allowed! I had a hard time not crying when I thought about the situation. Talk about acceptance, I don't think it could get any better!
My wife and I are now in Florida for the second softball tournament. I have not encountered any issues so far, but I have noticed a few older women and young girls looking at me a bit more closely than usual. There was only one softball game today, so we had some time to visit Navarre Beach. I wore a mesh cover-up to get to a nice spot, but it had to go so my wife could take a few photos! Please be kind, this is the first time I have ever been in public wearing a swimsuit, and I obviously need to work on my tan. It was not that long ago when doing this seemed like an impossible dream. I have awakened from the decades-long nightmare that had been tormenting me, and I am finally living my life. I could not have done this without the support of the many wonderful folks on this site. My deepest thanks to all of you.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FP5GvMS7.jpg&hash=75bb38e1b4a83f6ad72b758628ec1351f88086b6) (https://imgur.com/P5GvMS7)
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on July 16, 2018, 08:40:59 PMThere was only one softball game today, so we had some time to visit Navarre Beach.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FP5GvMS7.jpg&hash=75bb38e1b4a83f6ad72b758628ec1351f88086b6) (https://imgur.com/P5GvMS7)
Well shucky darn, you're way over there in the panhandle. I was hoping you'd drop by here in central Florida.
You went all out - going directly to the two piece with the bikini top! I had to work up to that. Good on ya - and it looks good on ya!
Stephanie
Jessica, didn't you understand that you are supposed to be taking baby steps at this point? Here you go jumping from early on to full blown beach babe is just a couple of steps. And looking good doing it, congratulations!
Tia Anne
Wow, you look great, Jessica!
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica.... Wow wheee !!!! You look absolutely terrific in your "beach babe" photo that you shared with us. Your posting is a wonderful tribute to all of your hard work and determination to continue in your transition and to achieve your goals..... KUDOS to you !!!!.... as
@Anne Blake stated in her reply comment...
QuoteJessica, didn't you understand that you are supposed to be taking baby steps at this point? Here you go jumping from early on to full blown beach babe is just a couple of steps. And looking good doing it, congratulations!
Oh and as
@Steph2.0 stated in her comment:
QuoteWell shucky darn, you're way over there in the panhandle. I was hoping you'd drop by here in central Florida.
You went all out - going directly to the two piece with the bikini top! I had to work up to that. Good on ya - and it looks good on ya!
Oh, and Stephanie, I see that you are using one of my terms.... "Shucky Darn" ... or is that something that you have heard and used before??
You are also very welcome to use my others... like "Wowzers" and "Wow-whee"Quote from: Jessica_Rose on July 16, 2018, 08:40:59 PM
My wife and I are now in Florida for the second softball tournament. I have not encountered any issues so far, but I have noticed a few older women and young girls looking at me a bit more closely than usual. There was only one softball game today, so we had some time to visit Navarre Beach. I wore a mesh cover-up to get to a nice spot, but it had to go so my wife could take a few photos! Please be kind, this is the first time I have ever been in public wearing a swimsuit, and I obviously need to work on my tan. It was not that long ago when doing this seemed like an impossible dream. I have awakened from the decades-long nightmare that had been tormenting me, and I am finally living my life. I could not have done this without the support of the many wonderful folks on this site. My deepest thanks to all of you.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FP5GvMS7.jpg&hash=75bb38e1b4a83f6ad72b758628ec1351f88086b6) (https://imgur.com/P5GvMS7)
So, Jessica... you are indeed appearing to be very happy and self confident...
Please keep encouraging all of your readers and followers with more of your updates.
Hugs and continued well wishes,
Danielle
First, my thanks to all of you for your kind responses.
Some of the things I tell my friends...
I missed out on over 50 years of playing 'dress up' and I have a lot of catching up to do!
I am only going to transition once, so I plan to have some fun with it!
None of us know how long we will be here. I spent fifty years of my life hiding the most beautiful part of myself from the world, and I will hide no more. I wasted enough time hiding, it is time to live my life the way I want. I can't be concerned about what others may think as long as I am not affecting them. This is me, it is up to them to deal with it!
I do hope my posts help give others confidence in themselves. I was scared to death when I started this journey. There were many folks on Susan's whose posts helped me along the way. Some of the most inspiring were those with before and after photos. These helped me realize the miracles that can occur when you finally have the right hormones and have confidence in yourself. Everyone is capable of amazing things if they believe in themselves, work hard to accomplish their goals, and dare to dream.
I apologize these photos are not as good as the ones I usually post, but we were using a little 'point-and-shoot' camera instead of an SLR. Here is a photo from this morning...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoFb0JQz.jpg&hash=5092e9a85c3c964624da48db4c19b19dab95b70e) (https://imgur.com/oFb0JQz)
Love the beach photos Jessica!
The confidence you show us inspires me 🌸🌸🌸🌸
The other Jessica 💁♀️
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on July 17, 2018, 08:50:57 PM
None of us know how long we will be here. I spent fifty years of my life hiding the most beautiful part of myself from the world, and I will hide no more. I wasted enough time hiding, it is time to live my life the way I want. I can't be concerned about what others may think as long as I am not affecting them. This is me, it is up to them to deal with it!
There is nothing quite as sexy and feminine as self-confidence. You have it, and it shows in your photos. Keep on rockin' it, sister!
We did hear back from my wife's brother and sister. Her brother was concerned about his sister and wanted to make sure she was OK. He was OK with my transition as long as his little sister was OK with it. Her sister said she was also accepting, but she does not want me to visit her family at their house because she does not want to explain it to our young teen niece. I wonder if she realizes that day will eventually come. What was most important is that neither of them plan to cut ties with their sister (my wife), which was all I was really hoping for. I count this as another 'win'.
I did not have a single bad experience during our trip to Tennessee, Florida, and Louisiana. I had a few interesting experiences while shopping, all of them were positive. The most memorable was with a young female dressing room attendant at a clothing store in Louisiana.
Attendant: 'Wow, you're tall.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Attendant: 'You're tall, and beautiful.'
Me: 'Thank you.'
That certainly put a smile on my face! I nearly cried in the dressing room thinking about it. On the way out I renewed the conversation...
Me: 'Your comment really made my day.'
Attendant: 'Why is that?'
Me: 'I am not used to people telling me that I am beautiful.'
Attendant: 'Well you are.'
Me: 'I don't usually do this, but I want to show you something.'
...(I showed her my old driver's license.)
Attendant: 'Wow! Well, you are beautiful.'
Me: 'Thank you, and I hope you have an awesome day!'
As I turned and began walking away the attendant added, 'You keep rocking that dress!'
Encounters like this have given me the confidence that I now have. Based on the comments I have received from others I guess my mind has not yet caught up with reality. I still find it hard to believe that others see me as a beautiful woman.
Hi Jessica,
The more you are out "Rocking" it the more such confirming experiences you should have. I had a very old friend tell me on chat last night that I looked great in my FB pictures she has seen. This meant a lot to me as it was completely out of the blue and I do not talk with her very often at all though I have known her almost 40 years I think. You are that beautiful tall woman that others see. You will believe it yourself one of these days.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on July 23, 2018, 05:40:33 PM
We did hear back from my wife's brother and sister. Her brother was concerned about his sister and wanted to make sure she was OK. He was OK with my transition as long as his little sister was OK with it. Her sister said she was also accepting, but she does not want me to visit her family at their house because she does not want to explain it to our young teen niece. I wonder if she realizes that day will eventually come. What was most important is that neither of them plan to cut ties with their sister (my wife), which was all I was really hoping for. I count this as another 'win'.
I did not have a single bad experience during our trip to Tennessee, Florida, and Louisiana. I had a few interesting experiences while shopping, all of them were positive. The most memorable was with a young female dressing room attendant at a clothing store in Louisiana.
Attendant: 'Wow, you're tall.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Attendant: 'You're tall, and beautiful.'
Me: 'Thank you.'
That certainly put a smile on my face! I nearly cried in the dressing room thinking about it. On the way out I renewed the conversation...
Me: 'Your comment really made my day.'
Attendant: 'Why is that?'
Me: 'I am not used to people telling me that I am beautiful.'
Attendant: 'Well you are.'
Me: 'I don't usually do this, but I want to show you something.'
...(I showed her my old driver's license.)
Attendant: 'Wow! Well, you are beautiful.'
Me: 'Thank you, and I hope you have an awesome day!'
As I turned and began walking away the attendant added, 'You keep rocking that dress!'
Encounters like this have given me the confidence that I now have. Based on the comments I have received from others I guess my mind has not yet caught up with reality. I still find it hard to believe that others see me as a beautiful woman.
@Jessica_Rose .... great update... except of course for the sister not wanting you to visit her house as she has little children that she doesn't want to explain the situation with...
Oh, and wow-whee... what a great experience with the young female dressing room attendant ... wonderful indeed.
Thanks for updating all of us...
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
I had something interesting happen this afternoon. We got home from our trip and needed a few things, so I made a quick run to the local grocery store. I picked up milk, breakfast muffins, and most important of all flowers for my wife! After I got back to the car I realized something profound had happened. While in the store my only thoughts were about the items I needed to pick up, especially the flowers! In the past my first thought was always 'I wonder if anyone clocked me?' That thought was completely absent while I was in the store today, and later when we went out to dinner. Something also feels different, but I can't really describe it. The closest I can come to a description is that I no longer first think of myself as being transgender, I just think of myself as being Jessica Rose. Darn, where did these tears come from?
...and Laurie, your new avatar looks amazing!
Hey girlfriend, welcome to the club! Ain't it great
Tia Anne
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on July 23, 2018, 08:27:44 PM
I had something interesting happen this afternoon. We got home from our trip and needed a few things, so I made a quick run to the local grocery store. I picked up milk, breakfast muffins, and most important of all flowers for my wife! After I got back to the car I realized something profound had happened. While in the store my only thoughts were about the items I needed to pick up, especially the flowers! In the past my first thought was always 'I wonder if anyone clocked me?' That thought was completely absent while I was in the store today, and later when we went out to dinner. Something also feels different, but I can't really describe it. The closest I can come to a description is that I no longer first think of myself as being transgender, I just think of myself as being Jessica Rose. Darn, where did these tears come from?
Jessica, are we running in parallel? I was grocery shopping today, and about halfway through my list I had two surprising thoughts. The first was similar to yours: hey, I'm just out shopping. I'm me, Stephanie, and nobody sees anything other than that. I felt comfort, contentment, and peace with that thought.
The second was almost a shock to realize. The thought occurred to me that I like working at a job I enjoy - and the one I am starting to love the most is
housewife. Maybe it was because of my newfound bliss in just living freely as myself, but I was enjoying just grocery shopping.
The kicker is, I used to absolutely hate it. Get the stuff and get out, and don't get in my way. Now everyone smiles at me, because I smile at them first.
What a wonderful world we're joining...
Stephanie
@Jessica_Rose
Hi Jessica,
I have the privilege of living right next to the international date line so.......
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! :icon_flower: :icon_bunch:
Have a great day!
Sonja
Thanks Sonja! Today was MY first birthday where I was truly myself. My wife baked a carrot cake from scratch and gave me a present, but I have not been allowed to open it yet! I did receive a fantastic gift earlier today -- about 45 minutes after getting to work I experienced another round of euphoria! It is simply incredible how much joy you can feel when you finally experience life as your true self. It really did happen, and I have a photo to prove it!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1CrZl8Y.jpg&hash=8a1a0f09f8c3bdd0c4236c7c65aeffcfcd38aac7) (https://imgur.com/1CrZl8Y)
What a great photo, Jessica! Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday Jessica!
Happy birthday, do I have to bake another cake???
Quote from: davina61 on July 27, 2018, 04:51:59 PM
Happy birthday, do I have to bake another cake???
Only if you really want to! Since we already have a carrot cake, how about a yellow cake with chocolate icing!
By the way, I think my birthday gift was a good sign -- some pearl stud earrings! I put them on last night. My wife does not like to drive, so she walked about 4.5 miles round trip to get them. Of course I told her I loved them, and her. She is still getting used to being married to a woman, but she does want to make this work.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on July 17, 2018, 08:50:57 PM
I missed out on over 50 years of playing 'dress up' and I have a lot of catching up to do!
I am only going to transition once, so I plan to have some fun with it!
Hi @Jessica_Rose
This is the first time I have posted on your thread, it was your post on Faith's thread that lead me to yours. I had not seen your "before and after" photos and I just wanted to say I think you look great. I also took the time to read some your most recent postings. I really like what you are saying here and how empowering it feels when I actually say it about my own life...I love the philosophy of it.
I can see from recent posts you have a had a birthday, Happy belated birthday
Take care
Liz
Well Heck, Jessica. Happy Birthday several days late. I haven't been doing a good job keeping up with anyone's threads lately. Sorry. That was a nice gift Susan gave you and it was quite the walk to do it too. That hill on the return trip would certainly do me in. Tell her hi for me and share a hug with eachother for me.
hugs,
Laurie
What an incredible weekend! Susan and I went to Denver to help celebrate the re-wedding of our friends Tia and Debi. We spent the weekend at a house in Loveland with Stephanie (Steph2.0), Cassandra (SassyCassie), Michelle_P, Laurie, and Kendra. Saturday evening Julie (Julie-2010) even dropped by for a while. Having this group of amazing ladies all in one place was something I never dreamed would happen. In some ways I felt like a roadie who was accidentally invited to party with the rock stars! Being there and experiencing the abundance of joy, love, empathy, and understanding concentrated in that house was something I will never forget. I think the experience affected all of us. Even my wife was smiling and laughing more than she had in a long time.
Seeing my wife so happy and relaxed made me realize she had taken another step forward, so I decided it was time to discuss the continuation of my journey. At home Sunday evening while lying in bed I asked her if she loved the person I had become, and she said 'yes'. I said there was one more big step I needed to take which would allow me to truly become the person I was created to be. I asked her if I could begin investigating GRS. She thought about it for a few moments, then said 'yes'. I thanked her, caressed her, and began to cry.
Sunday morning breakfast, clockwise from bottom left: Susan, Jessica Rose, Tia, Cassie, Stephanie, Debi, Michelle, Laurie, Kendra.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmG5FxFo.jpg&hash=6d664b296cf64a0f3b145aa4a27dea57c61b7e5f) (https://imgur.com/mG5FxFo)
Jessica Rose, you look so happy and relaxed!
I missed your birthday a bit ago... what are you now...35?
You definitely have aged well.
Beautiful, that's how I describe you!
Hugs and smiles, the other Jessica (Marie)
@Jessica_Rose All of your followers on the forums that did not have the opportunity to attend the wedding are most envious of you and the other members that were able to get together ..... like you said, it was certainly a wonderful experience being in the company of all of those that we have followed and communicated with on the forums.... and staying together in the same house, so exciting for sure.
Thank you for posting the breakfast picture... it is definitely a keeper.
Oh, that was so nice and affirming for you to have your wife confirm her love for you and what you have become.... and supporting your possible future GRS decision.... definitely worth putting a note in your personal journal about that!!! You are most fortunate in that regard.
Thank you for you wonderful report and good news posting....
Hugs and best wishes to you as always,
Danielle
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 13, 2018, 08:44:37 PM
Seeing my wife so happy and relaxed made me realize she had taken another step forward, so I decided it was time to discuss the continuation of my journey. At home Sunday evening while lying in bed I asked her if she loved the person I had become, and she said 'yes'. I said there was one more big step I needed to take which would allow me to truly become the person I was created to be. I asked her if I could begin investigating GRS. She thought about it for a few moments, then said 'yes'. I thanked her, caressed her, and began to cry.
Sunday morning breakfast, clockwise from bottom left: Susan, Jessica Rose, Tia, Cassie, Stephanie, Debi, Michelle, Laurie, Kendra.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmG5FxFo.jpg&hash=6d664b296cf64a0f3b145aa4a27dea57c61b7e5f) (https://imgur.com/mG5FxFo)
How beautiful...its these moments of connection that make us who we are..so touching.
What a great bunch of people to spend a couple of days with and look at all those smiling faces.
Take care
Liz
I can't sleep. I am nervous, along with a few other emotions I can't really describe. Last night I discussed GCS/GRS again with my wife. Although she has some reservations, she agreed I could move forward if it is what I really want. I expect this will cause a new rough spot in our relationship. Even though the world now sees me as a woman, I carry a constant reminder telling me something otherwise. I am glad my wife agreed that I could proceed, because once I make up my mind I become an impatient woman. After dinner last night I filled out quite a few forms online, it seems they are necessary for the GCS/GRS consultation scheduled with Dr. Ley on Sep 24!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 16, 2018, 03:45:58 AM
I can't sleep. I am nervous, along with a few other emotions I can't really describe. Last night I discussed GCS/GRS again with my wife. Although she has some reservations, she agreed I could move forward if it is what I really want. I expect this will cause a new rough spot in our relationship. Even though the world now sees me as a woman, I carry a constant reminder telling me something otherwise. I am glad my wife agreed that I could proceed, because once I make up my mind I become an impatient woman. After dinner last night I filled out quite a few forms online, it seems they are necessary for the GCS/GRS consultation scheduled with Dr. Ley on Sep 24!
Congratulations on a truly momentous move forward. I hope your consult goes well. I understand how you feel about having a constant reminder that in incongruous with who you are. I hope your wife is able to keep moving forward with you I am sure she has your best interests at heart.
Liz
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 16, 2018, 03:45:58 AM
After dinner last night I filled out quite a few forms online, it seems they are necessary for the GCS/GRS consultation scheduled with Dr. Ley on Sep 24!
Yes, that office seems to thrive on forms. When I went to get hormones from them it seemed like I had to fill out pages of forms and I am not exactly an amateur when it come to HRT.
Quote from: LizK on August 18, 2018, 05:27:53 PM
Congratulations on a truly momentous move forward. I hope your consult goes well. I understand how you feel about having a constant reminder that is incongruous with who you are. I hope your wife is able to keep moving forward with you I am sure she has your best interests at heart.
Thanks Liz! As expected the next day was somewhat difficult, but my wife and I had a good discussion about GCS and she seems to be more comfortable with it now. Talking about difficult subjects was something I used to avoid, but ever since going full-time I have been more open about my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes that can be rough. Getting things out in the open, no matter how painful, is the only way to get the issues resolved and begin the healing process.
Friday evening we had some unexpected visitors drop by, Laurie and Michelle! They don't know where they are going, but we are glad that they stopped by. Since our daughters are basically out of the house it was great having two new kids bringing joy and laughter to our household again.
Saturday morning I made a trip to the local Rescue Mission so I could donate another load of 'his' old clothing. I think we have gotten rid of almost all of that stuff now. When I returned Susan and I put Laurie and Michelle to work. Under the threat of eating frozen breakfast foods, Laurie and Michelle cooked up some awesome breakfast burritos! Saturday evening we met up with Randi L for a nice dinner at Biaggi's. I think Laurie and Michelle are planning to head out today, but then again who knows? They are always welcome to drop by for a few days whenever they are in the area.
Left to right: Michelle, Laurie, Susan, Jessica Rose
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpjuUIJC.jpg&hash=9ba7c03691dbc88f62589f2674affb8caa1ec3b4) (https://imgur.com/pjuUIJC)
Jessica, While revisiting some of my old posts (helps me stay grounded and see how much, or little, that I've changed) .. While revisiting I was reminded that you were the first to welcome me. I feel totally amiss that I've never really responded in here even though I read it regularly. So, here I am responding rather than just thinking and moving on (as I am wont to do)
It's great to read about your successes and congrats on your upcoming consultation. I look forward to reading more.
As to your house guests, be careful ... they look like a couple of pranksters.
Thanks for the warning about Laurie and Michelle. I know they can be mischievous, but they have always behaved themselves at our house -- unless you count their frequent and flagrant PDA (public displays of affection).
While out shopping with my wife today I got a good laugh out of her. We were waiting in line for the self-checkout at Target and I leaned over and whispered -- 'I bet you never thought you would have a girlfriend as pretty as me!'
I realize this is not a very exciting photo, but let me explain. One of the long-running symptoms I had to deal with since my teens was 'retail therapy'. Simply buying women's clothing made me feel better. It didn't matter if I ever got to wear the clothing, just buying it had a calming effect. Jeans, slacks, dresses, tops, underwear -- it didn't matter. When I felt the need to buy something, if I liked it and thought it would fit, I bought it. Needless to say I bought a lot of clothing through the years, then stored it away out of sight. About six months into this journey I began donating items that didn't fit, which seems to be almost everything. For most of my life I needed US size 16, 18, XLarge or a similar size. Now through some magic I don't quite understand, I wear size 8, 10 and XS/Small. I donated quite a bit to a local rescue mission, and I have also given a significant amount of clothing to my electrolycist. She has quite a few transgender clients who barely make ends meet, and the clothing (almost all new with tags) has made many of them very happy. The photo shows how much I still have not given away. The boxes in the middle of the floor total about 36 cubic feet, and I have already given away even more than what is shown in the photo. My hoarding behavior is slowly fading away, and it feels great to clear out years of accumulated clothing. Now I can wear the clothes I buy, because I no longer have to hide.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FWfnKFdZ.jpg&hash=cde3a4cf9207a998e59c8850a71e5b48de4a6312) (https://imgur.com/WfnKFdZ)
Since I posted a breakfast photo last week, I need to post one from Pleaides Place (Steph's nickname for the house in Loveland) with most of us still dressed up. This photo was taken the night of Tia and Debi's re-wedding. What an amazing group of folks to spend the weekend with!
Left to right: Julie, Stephanie, Cassie, Kendra, Jessica Rose, Michelle, Laurie, and Susan.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FifV5s4C.jpg&hash=d25338e111e718f5cebe32718300437b49c29f8e) (https://imgur.com/ifV5s4C)
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 22, 2018, 08:05:26 PM
Since I posted a breakfast photo last week, I need to post one from Pleaides Place (Steph's nickname for the house in Loveland) with most of us still dressed up. This photo was taken the night of Tia and Debi's re-wedding. What an amazing group of folks to spend the weekend with!
Left to right: Julie, Stephanie, Cassie, Kendra, Jessica Rose, Michelle, Laurie, and Susan.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FifV5s4C.jpg&hash=d25338e111e718f5cebe32718300437b49c29f8e) (https://imgur.com/ifV5s4C)
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica.... thank you so much for posting that terrific photo of you all.. in your pretty dresses and outfits, hair looking great.... a sight to behold.
You perhaps might consider getting that photo enlarged and put in a frame to display in an appropriate place.
It is so nice that you all got to meet each other in person.... wonderful
Hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 16, 2018, 03:45:58 AM
I can't sleep. I am nervous, along with a few other emotions I can't really describe. Last night I discussed GCS/GRS again with my wife. Although she has some reservations, she agreed I could move forward if it is what I really want. I expect this will cause a new rough spot in our relationship. Even though the world now sees me as a woman, I carry a constant reminder telling me something otherwise. I am glad my wife agreed that I could proceed, because once I make up my mind I become an impatient woman. After dinner last night I filled out quite a few forms online, it seems they are necessary for the GCS/GRS consultation scheduled with Dr. Ley on Sep 24!
Jessica, I'm excited for you. I have been taking baby steps towards where you are. I see the same circumstances arising in my future, having a more involved talk on the possibility of GCS/GRS. I've broached the subject, so she knows it's on my mind.
Reservations from a wife, I would expect, is common. I know my wife has some. But if you've proved yourself to be a good partner through the years, I think that could make a bond that holds a union together.
Love after all is love.
Please keep us in the loop of how things proceed 🌸🌸🌸
Hugs and smiles, the other Jessica (Marie)
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on August 22, 2018, 08:20:55 PM
@Jessica_Rose
You perhaps might consider getting that photo enlarged and put in a frame to display in an appropriate place.
Hugs,
Danielle
Doesn't everyone have a wide-format photo printer at home? I think an 11x17 print would be perfect...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Flv7JDOf.jpg&hash=bf1c130c42c9252db602115d79cb82756ccb075a) (https://imgur.com/lv7JDOf)
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:
PERFECT, a very nice print-out of the picture !!!!!
It is indeed a terrific photo of a wonderful event involving all you beautiful ladies.
Hugs,
DanielleQuote from: Jessica_Rose on August 22, 2018, 11:03:09 PM
Doesn't everyone have a wide-format photo printer at home? I think an 11x17 print would be perfect...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Flv7JDOf.jpg&hash=bf1c130c42c9252db602115d79cb82756ccb075a) (https://imgur.com/lv7JDOf)
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 22, 2018, 11:03:09 PM
Doesn't everyone have a wide-format photo printer at home? I think an 11x17 print would be perfect...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Flv7JDOf.jpg&hash=bf1c130c42c9252db602115d79cb82756ccb075a) (https://imgur.com/lv7JDOf)
Any chance you would print me a copy? I am happy to pay for all the costs...that is of course if the rest of the ladies are Ok with that
Happy to chat via PM
Liz
Quote from: LizK on August 24, 2018, 06:02:08 PM
Any chance you would print me a copy? I am happy to pay for all the costs...that is of course if the rest of the ladies are Ok with that
Happy to chat via PM
Liz
I sent Liz a PM, along with an email containing the jpeg file of the photo.
I had a few interesting things happen this week. The company I work for holds a presentation on National Coming Out Day (Oct 11) to highlight the importance of LGBT+ coming out. The presentation is available via live-stream video to the entire company (about 34,000 employees). Last year I chose that day to come out to my manager. This year, as usual, they requested coming out stories for use during the presentation. A committee selects 8 - 10 stories from those submitted, these will be presented during the event. Most of the stories will be shown via pre-recorded video, but a few will be presented live. My story was selected. I won't know for a few weeks if I will be one of the live presentations, but either way I am thrilled to be able to share this with fellow employees. I have never done anything like this with such a potentially large audience. I am frightened by the thought of it, but if telling my story helps just one person find the strength to climb out of darkness, then it will be worth it.
Yesterday I was taking photos at a softball game for a team I had not visited before, although I know a few of the parents and players from over the summer. During the second inning, a man I had never met (I found out later his name is Steve) came over. At first I thought he was somehow teasing me...
Steve: 'You look familiar. Is your husband's name Leroy?'
Me: 'No, I think you have mistaken me for someone else.'
Steve: 'You really do look familiar. What is your husband's name?'
Me: 'My wife is standing behind you wearing a pink shirt.'
Steve: 'Oh, I'm sorry. I hope I didn't offend you.'
With a smile I assured him that I was not offended. My wife and I had a good laugh about it later!
Quote from: LizK on August 24, 2018, 06:02:08 PM
Any chance you would print me a copy? I am happy to pay for all the costs...that is of course if the rest of the ladies are Ok with that
Liz and Jessica, you absolutely have my permission to print anything with me in it!
Stephanie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 25, 2018, 05:55:00 AM
Steve: 'You look familiar. Is your husband's name Leroy?'
Me: 'No, I think you have mistaken me for someone else.'
Steve: 'You really do look familiar. What is your husband's name?'
Me: 'My wife is standing behind you wearing a pink shirt.'
Steve: 'Oh, I'm sorry. I hope I didn't offend you.'
With a smile I assured him that I was not offended. My wife and I had a good laugh about it later!
Now that's cool!
As is being chosen to tell your story. Whether recorded or live, that's something to be really proud of. You're killin' it, Jessica!
Stephanie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 25, 2018, 05:55:00 AM
Steve: 'You look familiar. Is your husband's name Leroy?'
Me: 'No, I think you have mistaken me for someone else.'
Steve: 'You really do look familiar. What is your husband's name?'
Me: 'My wife is standing behind you wearing a pink shirt.'
Steve: 'Oh, I'm sorry. I hope I didn't offend you.'
Something else about the encounter was the sequence of thoughts that ran through my mind, and I'm slightly ashamed about some of them...
-- This guy knows.
-- He used his x-ray vision to see through my clothes.
-- He hates me and is teasing me.
-- I think I'm going to deck him before he gets a chance to offend me.
-- I'll give him a chance to prove his intentions before I deck him.
-- Maybe he really doesn't know.
-- Wow, I guess he doesn't know.
-- He seems like a really nice guy.
-- I want him to know for certain that he did not offend me.
-- OMG! That made my day!
My defenses are still on high alert for that ugly encounter we all seem to have, but the further down the road I go the less likely it becomes. Maybe it is time for me to drop my defensive posture down to DEFCON 3.
Jessica, congratulations on being asked to present your coming-out story to your company. Being out and being public about it can be a great source of inspiration to others and joy to oneself.
To me, it feels like I am "paying it forward" when I do a public presentation. Someone else inspired me to seek my truth when I heard her do a presentation. Now, I hope that I can do the same favour some day to someone else who is confused and wondering who they are. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction.
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 25, 2018, 06:35:58 AM
Liz and Jessica, you absolutely have my permission to print anything with me in it!
Stephanie
Thanks Steph Appreciate it
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 25, 2018, 05:55:00 AM
I sent Liz a PM, along with an email containing the jpeg file of the photo.
I had a few interesting things happen this week. The company I work for holds a presentation on National Coming Out Day (Oct 11) to highlight the importance of LGBT+ coming out. The presentation is available via live-stream video to the entire company (about 34,000 employees). Last year I chose that day to come out to my manager. This year, as usual, they requested coming out stories for use during the presentation. A committee selects 8 - 10 stories from those submitted, these will be presented during the event. Most of the stories will be shown via pre-recorded video, but a few will be presented live. My story was selected. I won't know for a few weeks if I will be one of the live presentations, but either way I am thrilled to be able to share this with fellow employees. I have never done anything like this with such a potentially large audience. I am frightened by the thought of it, but if telling my story helps just one person find the strength to climb out of darkness, then it will be worth it.
Yesterday I was taking photos at a softball game for a team I had not visited before, although I know a few of the parents and players from over the summer. During the second inning, a man I had never met (I found out later his name is Steve) came over. At first I thought he was somehow teasing me...
Steve: 'You look familiar. Is your husband's name Leroy?'
Me: 'No, I think you have mistaken me for someone else.'
Steve: 'You really do look familiar. What is your husband's name?'
Me: 'My wife is standing behind you wearing a pink shirt.'
Steve: 'Oh, I'm sorry. I hope I didn't offend you.'
With a smile I assured him that I was not offended. My wife and I had a good laugh about it later!
Thankyou for the file I have a good printer and some photo quality paper so will print off some copies for my white board.
Nice to see you moving to defon 3 which has to be a much less stressful place. I understand why you have your defences up, heck I know I do at times without even thinking about it. Its weird when the day arrives that you totally baffle someone whom you think should be able to recognise you.
Take care
Liz
One more small step...
The surgeon I am consulting for GCS requires a 'letter of introduction' from a therapist before they will schedule surgery. I received a note from my therapist today, she has sent the letter! Hopefully I will leave my consultation with a surgery date. It feels like a dream, part of me has been waiting over five decades for this. I really don't want to wait any longer, but WPATH overrides my desire. I will find it hard to believe until the moment I wake up from the surgery...
I had a laser appointment today, face and neck session #11. It was not as painful as the last one. I used the prescription numbing cream (benzocaine, lidocaine, and tetracaine) and took a painkiller left over from my last root canal (I rarely take any pain medications, but laser is really starting to be painful for me). The nurse/technician was really nice, she even made a pass over my chest and underarms for free. Since there is still a fair amount of dark facial hairs they offered to waive the fee for my next session.
While shopping in Walmart two high school cheerleaders approached me -- I can guarantee that never happened in grade school or college. They asked my opinion on which shade of lipstick looked best on them! They thanked me for my opinion and walked away. Although it was a simple exchange, I never thought that I would have cheerleaders ask my opinion about anything! I'm still smiling...
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 25, 2018, 05:55:00 AM
Steve: 'You look familiar. Is your husband's name Leroy?'
Me: 'No, I think you have mistaken me for someone else.'
Steve: 'You really do look familiar. What is your husband's name?'
Me: 'My wife is standing behind you wearing a pink shirt.'
Steve: 'Oh, I'm sorry. I hope I didn't offend you.'
You must have felt wonderful after it sunk in what just happened.
QuoteI had a few interesting things happen this week. The company I work for holds a presentation on National Coming Out Day (Oct 11) to highlight the importance of LGBT+ coming out. The presentation is available via live-stream video to the entire company (about 34,000 employees). Last year I chose that day to come out to my manager. This year, as usual, they requested coming out stories for use during the presentation. A committee selects 8 - 10 stories from those submitted, these will be presented during the event. Most of the stories will be shown via pre-recorded video, but a few will be presented live. My story was selected. I won't know for a few weeks if I will be one of the live presentations, but either way I am thrilled to be able to share this with fellow employees. I have never done anything like this with such a potentially large audience. I am frightened by the thought of it, but if telling my story helps just one person find the strength to climb out of darkness, then it will be worth it.
How exciting is this!! Will you be the one reading your story?
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
In answer to Jessica's question, I don't know yet if I will get to present my story live. At a minimum I will be in the auditorium when my video is played. I should know within a few weeks whether or not I get to present it live. The though frightens me, but I am looking forward to it!
I was feeling incredible Friday morning, so I decided to go against the grain. Instead of dressing more casual, I wore this:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJaA8cjD.jpg&hash=99c228f0c10e81621c2cbcb114a149df0deb1b76) (https://imgur.com/JaA8cjD)
For some reason I thought about a song I had not heard in a long time. I found the official video and watched it, then I remembered. I saw it several years ago, before I started my current journey. The song was amazing, but I did not like the video. Now I see things quite differently, and I find the video so beautiful that at times it brings tears to my eyes. If you want to see something that may turn your day around, find the official video for 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera.
Here are the lyrics:
Don't look at me
Everyday is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure, from all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring me down
I am beautiful, in every single way, yes words can't bring me down
Oh no, so don't you bring me down today
To all your friends you're delirious, so consumed, in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
Ain't that the way it is
You are beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring you down
You are beautiful, in every single way, yes words can't bring you down
Oh no, so don't you bring me down today
No matter what we do, no matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine
And tomorrow we might awake, on the other side
'Cause we are beautiful, no matter what they say, yes words won't bring us down
We are beautiful, in every single way, yes words can't bring us down
Oh no, so don't you bring me down today
Jessica, that IS a beautiful song, with some deep meaning for each of us.
I do hope that you will get to present your story live. Whether live or recorded it will be your story, to be shared with all, and be an inspiration for all. That is pretty darn special, girl!
Another small step...
I called Dr. Ley's office today and they said everything is in order for my consultation. They received the 'introduction' letter from my therapist, and it is sufficient for scheduling. If all goes well I will get a date for GCS on 24 Sep! And yes, my wife is fully on board with this!
I feel as though part of my life is now on 'hold'. Although electrolysis and laser sessions continue, I don't feel like I am moving forward. Once I get GCS scheduled, then my life can resume course. Knowing when I will be able to take that last giant step will remove a huge amount of uncertainly from my life, but for now I must impatiently wait...
I sent a note to my daughters earlier today letting them know what I was up to. I am not sure how or if they will respond, but I will not hide this from them.
I also had an email exchange with the person who is in charge of the NCOD event at my company. I asked him if the video I had uploaded was OK, or did I need to try again? He reviewed my 'coming out' video and said it was perfect, twice! I still don't know if they will just show the video or have me present it live, but either way it will be a day I long remember.
Wow Jessica, a GCS consult A week after I go meet with Kaiser to see what they have to offer me. From my point of view you are not standing still, your life on hold. No, you running in leaps and bounds compared to the pace I am going. Or am I just standing still and you are striding out strutting your stuff? Good Luck on the consult and getting a date set. I am glad Susan is on board with this. Your girls will be too.
Hugs,
Laurie
Wow, Jessica! So much good news. I'm glad Susan is supporting your moving forward with this consult.
Best wishes for a smooth consult and a great National Coming Out Day event!
That's great news about being able to get things scheduled. Having your wife onboard is such a great thing to happen. My wife is the same and knowing she has my back makes a big difference I can imagine it does for you too.
Sounds to me like you are making steady progress but I know that feeling its a bit like treading water...kinda like the old army saying "Hurry up and wait"...rush to get an appointment then wait what feels like forever for it to arrive.
Hope the consult goes they way you are wanting
Take care
Liz
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 06, 2018, 10:12:55 PM
Another small step...
I called Dr. Ley's office today and they said everything is in order for my consultation. They received the 'introduction' letter from my therapist, and it is sufficient for scheduling. If all goes well I will get a date for GCS on 24 Sep! And yes, my wife is fully on board with this!
I feel as though part of my life is now on 'hold'. Although electrolysis and laser sessions continue, I don't feel like I am moving forward. Once I get GCS scheduled, then my life can resume course. Knowing when I will be able to take that last giant step will remove a huge amount of uncertainly from my life, but for now I must impatiently wait...
I sent a note to my daughters earlier today letting them know what I was up to. I am not sure how or if they will respond, but I will not hide this from them.
I also had an email exchange with the person who is in charge of the NCOD event at my company. I asked him if the video I had uploaded was OK, or did I need to try again? He reviewed my 'coming out' video and said it was perfect, twice! I still don't know if they will just show the video or have me present it live, but either way it will be a day I long remember.
The operative word for all of this is "Perfect"
I'm so happy for you 🌸🌸🌸
Hugs and smiles, Jessica Marie
OMG! I received an email at work this morning which cured my constipation. I was selected to present my 'coming out' story live during our company event on 11 Oct for National Coming Out Day!!! Our auditorium holds a few hundred people, but the event will also be broadcast via livestream video to over 34,000 employees. I have wanted to do something like this ever since coming out to my manager on 11 Oct last year, and now I will get that chance. I never enjoyed speaking to large groups, and presenting my story live will be emotionally painful, but I think the opportunity will be worth it.
We all know the life of pain we endure trying to figure out who we are, followed by the anguish many of us experience when we make the decision to begin a new journey. Many of those who survive the torment and chaos do eventually find joy. Hopefully hearing my story will help others to understand a small part of what we experience, how deeply it affects us and those we love, and just maybe it will help someone else find the strength to become who they were meant to be.
Jessica, that wonderfully awesome. Congrats.
You have more guts than I do, no way I could do something like that. Way to go!!!!
That's Great Jessica. You're going to be famous (well at least withing your company) I am glad to see you are eager to do this and by doing so you are taking a step for all of us. Go get em girl!
Hugs,
Laurie
Are you excited Jessica?
I know you will be wonderful!
Your sneak peak made me tear up from knowing the emotions you were going through.
You're a heroine, in my eyes, to us all!
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
Wow, Jessica, you have definitely joined the ranks of my heroes.
@Michelle_P ,
@Denise , and now
@Jessica_Rose . All extraordinary people willing to put themselves in the spotlight to show the muggles that we're just regular people dealing with an unusual medical condition, and how the misunderstanding world treats us. Just awesome!
And to top it off, you brought us chocolate! You're a superhero!
I also want to add that every one of us who spends a little time educating someone one-on-one deserves to be called a hero, too. Explaining rationally and calmly what this is about, and correcting misconceptions with even just one person, and then letting them watch us live good lives, puts us one more person closer to open acceptance by our world. And you could be a superhero, too. Just bring me (dark) chocolate.
Stephanie
Congratulations, Jessica. I thought this might happen based on what we had shared, and I am glad to see that the corporate folks recognize your authenticity and sincerity.
Now, breathe! In and out, nice and slow. You are going to be just fine.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 13, 2018, 06:48:57 PM
OMG! I received an email at work this morning which cured my constipation. I was selected to present my 'coming out' story live during our company event on 11 Oct for National Coming Out Day!!! Our auditorium holds a few hundred people, but the event will also be broadcast via livestream video to over 34,000 employees.....
No Point in doing these things by half LOL....meh 34000 walk n the park :icon_yikes: .....NOT!
I understand you trepidation but I am sure you will be a great ambassador for yourself as well as trans women in general. The more we are less of an oddity the more acceptance we will receive. I applaud you sticking yourself out there.
Take care
Liz
Quote from: LizK on September 15, 2018, 07:32:41 PM
No Point in doing these things by half LOL....meh 34000 walk n the park :icon_yikes: .....NOT!
I doubt all 34,000 will be watching, but it will definitely be the largest audience I have ever addressed. I can only do this once, so I may as well go for broke! I used to shy away from public speaking, but over the last 18 months I have done many things I once thought were impossible. I am not the same person who started this journey, I am stronger and more confident. I am slowly becoming who I was meant to be.
These last two days had a few positive events...
Monday was my 18-month checkup with my HRT doctor. I mentioned about my upcoming GCS consultation and she congratulated me. Over the weekend I had asked my wife if there was another prescription I should ask for. I figured since she was on board with my pursuing GCS then I should support her needs as long as possible. The doctor sent in a prescription for Viagra.
When I went to the store to pick up my new prescription I ran across a friend I had not seen in over a year, and she had no idea that I had transitioned. I walked over and said 'hello'. It took her a few seconds to realize who I was, then she gave me a big smile and a hug. We talked for about 15 minutes, and she said she was happy that I was doing so well. I told her a few parts of my story, which brought tears to her eyes. Hopefully we can arrange dinner with her and her husband soon.
This morning before I left work to get another root canal, I noticed an email that my blood test results were available. My previous two tests had shown an estradiol level of 64-65pg/ml, so my doctor doubled my patches. Now my level is 247pg/ml !!! That triggered a smile that not even the root canal could dim!
Six more days until my GCS consultation with Dr. Ley. It doesn't seem real yet. Maybe once I get scheduled it will start to sink in.
Hi Jessica Rose
Your interaction with your friend you hadn't seen for all that time must have been a fantastic moment to have her react in the way she did. Having those kinds of amazingly positive interactions are so affirming. It wouild be great if more people in the world reacted like your friend.
I am no expert on this but that looks like a nice increase in your numbers and its pretty close to where my Dr aims, I too have just had an increase recently and it has made a real difference to me, have you felt better on the larger dose?
Take care
Liz
Quote from: LizK on September 19, 2018, 04:34:58 AM
Your interaction with your friend you hadn't seen for all that time must have been a fantastic moment to have her react in the way she did. Having those kinds of amazingly positive interactions are so affirming. It wouild be great if more people in the world reacted like your friend.
I am no expert on this but that looks like a nice increase in your numbers and its pretty close to where my Dr aims, I too have just had an increase recently and it has made a real difference to me, have you felt better on the larger dose?
It was an awesome moment. No matter how good of a friend someone is, it is really hard to know how they will react to this. Melissa and her family had always been friendly and I know this was a huge surprise, but they passed the test with flying colors. Yes, it would be an amazing world if everyone could react like this -- the suicide rate for the transgender population would drop significantly!
I have been euphoric three times in my life, all of them this year. The last two times were after the dosage increase. I don't know why my numbers jumped so much, but I am certainly not going to complain! I just hope my doctor does not want to cut back, she prefers the 100 - 200 range.
My electrologist wants to get another 'south pole' pass completed before I have my consultation on Monday, so she will be working on that area this afternoon. I look forward to our sessions, but I don't look forward to the discomfort. It is amazing the amount of pain someone can accept when it means another small step towards a lifelong dream.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 19, 2018, 05:24:03 AM
My electrologist wants to get another 'south pole' pass completed before I have my consultation on Monday, so she will be working on that area this afternoon. I look forward to our sessions, but I don't look forward to the discomfort. It is amazing the amount of pain someone can accept when it means another small step towards a lifelong dream.
Hope the HRT Doc is ok with your levels...I noticed the change in my mood before I noticed changes in my skin and hair when my Oestrogen was low.
I am off for a south pole zapping tomorrow...Gulp my first and possibly only one I will have time for. I hope yours goes well...I know how glib that sounds but what else can you really say about it :D
Take care
Liz
Hi Jessica,
Good luck with the next clearing down below, that is never fun, but then I have never found any electrolysis to be fun. Your consult with Dr. Ley is scheduled for Monday? Enjoy your visit to Scottsdale and say hi to her for me.
Enjoy each step of this awesome journey!
Tia Anne
Quote from: Anne Blake on September 20, 2018, 02:31:24 PM
Your consult with Dr. Ley is scheduled for Monday? Enjoy your visit to Scottsdale and say hi to her for me.
Enjoy each step of this awesome journey!
Yes, my consultation is Monday (24 Sep)! I feel like a five-year-old on Christmas Eve!!! I will certainly pass your greeting along to Dr. Ley.
I received more good news these last few days. My HRT doctor's comments about my latest blood tests: The labs are fine. Interestingly, the estradiol level is way up now. I'd leave it alone and no dose change right now.
Next,I asked my therapist if she would support a GCS date of 17 Feb 2019 (which marks one year full-time). Her response: Yes, if You continue to do so well with your transition of course I can endorse you for February 17 of 2019.
I also sent a note to Dr. Ley's office about possible surgery dates. They are currently scheduling GCS surgeries for January 2019, so a date in late February is a possibility.
My electrologist completed another 'south pole' clearing today.
With any luck, I should leave Dr. Ley's office with a surgery date and a huge smile!
I received a note from my therapist late yesterday evening which made me confused and a bit depressed. I cleared it up this morning by asking her this question:
Me: As long as nothing unexpected pops up, would you be willing to write a 'first letter' of recommendation and help me get the 'second letter' required for GCS approval?
Therapist: Yes.
That response brought tears to my eyes. I am in a much better place than I was when I started, but I need to take this step. I have been nervous all day, thinking I will wake up from the dream and have my world come crashing down around me. I know this is what I need to do, but I am fearful something will get in the way. I am not sure I will be able to shake this feeling until I wake up on the other side after surgery.
Less than three days until my consultation. I can't believe this is happening...
Good news Jessica and good luck on your consult Monday with Dr Ley.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 21, 2018, 09:16:12 PM
I received a note from my therapist late yesterday evening which made me confused and a bit depressed. I cleared it up this morning by asking her this question:
Me: As long as nothing unexpected pops up, would you be willing to write a 'first letter' of recommendation and help me get the 'second letter' required for GCS approval?
Therapist: Yes.
That response brought tears to my eyes. I am in a much better place than I was when I started, but I need to take this step. I have been nervous all day, thinking I will wake up from the dream and have my world come crashing down around me. I know this is what I need to do, but I am fearful something will get in the way. I am not sure I will be able to shake this feeling until I wake up on the other side after surgery.
Less than three days until my consultation. I can't believe this is happening...
What a relief to know you have the support of your therapist. Its good to know where you will get those letters from when they are needed.
I had been ducking around corners, dodging ladders, keeping away from pavement cracks and certainly not dropping any mirrors.....I expected to receive a call or letter or email that blows my GCS completely out of the water...There are just so many things to keep track of. I really understand that feeling...but if its any consolation as you move forward these things become less and less of problem because less and less can stop the process. I don't expect anything to stop me at this stage but I am prepared.
I hope the appointment goes really well...
Take care
Liz
Good luck Jessica, I'm so happy for you 🌸🌸🌸
The other Jessica 💁♀️
Thanks to all of you for your warm wishes.
I am a one finger typist when using my phone, so this will be a brief update.
My wife and I are staying in Socorro NM tonight. We met our daughter Kimberly and her boyfriend Rob for dinner. We had only met Rob once before about 18 months ago. When Rob saw me this evening is was as though nothing had changed, except I got a hug instead of a handshake! After our meal we all went to our daughters house and talked for an hour or so. We were just one big happy family. We are meeting for lunch tomorrow, then my wife and I will head to Scottsdale. About 36 hours from now I will be in the waiting room. I still find this hard to believe...
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 22, 2018, 10:16:03 PM
Thanks to all of you for your warm wishes.
I am a one finger typist when using my phone, so this will be a brief update.
My wife and I are staying in Socorro NM tonight. We met our daughter Kimberly and her boyfriend Rob for dinner. We had only met Rob once before about 18 months ago. When Rob saw me this evening is was as though nothing had changed, except I got a hug instead of a handshake! After our meal we all went to our daughters house and talked for an hour or so. We were just one big happy family. We are meeting for lunch tomorrow, then my wife and I will head to Scottsdale. About 36 hours from now I will be in the waiting room. I still find this hard to believe...
IT'S HAPPENING JESSICA!
Quote from: Laurie on September 22, 2018, 11:41:19 PM
THIS IS HAPPENING!
This phrase has always brought warm fuzzies to me during or even before transition. I'm glad to see others enjoy it too.
Bari Jo
Forces were conspiring against us today.
Kimberly and Rob were going to meet us for lunch. We checked out of our hotel in Socorro early and decided to kill some time at Walmart. When it was time for lunch, our car wouldn't start. Kimberly and Rob picked us up and took us to lunch. After lunch they took us back to Walmart, then went to get their portable jump starter. Susan and I bought our own portable jump starter and a new battery (we had jumper cables with us). I figured if the portable starters failed, I could just jump start using the new battery. Rob's portable starter worked, so the new battery is riding in the trunk for now, and our new portable charger is charged and ready for action!
The drive to Scottsdale was going great until we were about 85 miles out, then traffic came to a halt. A wreck closed both east and west bound lanes of AZ260. After a two hour wait, we finally got moving again. We made it safely to Scottsdale. At least the hotel room was better than expected.
In about 12hrs my GCS consultation will occur. I am not nervous. I am at peace.
Hi Jessica Rose and Susan,
I am glad to hear you got your lunch, car started and to your hotel in Scottsdale safely. Have a good consult tomorrow and a great day. Looking forward to hearing all about it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Jessica Rose
Good luck at the appointment...when I am writing this you are probably not to far away from the appointment. Hope it goes really well for you
Take care
Liz
All the best today, Jessica! I'm envious. Another 6 weeks for the clock to run out on my insurance company's 18 month therapy requirement, then it's full steam ahead for my GCS process. Can't do a thing until then.
Stephanie
Just a quick update, will post details tomorrow...
GCS scheduled for 5 April 2019!!!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 24, 2018, 12:41:23 PM
Just a quick update, will post details tomorrow...
GCS scheduled for 5 April 2019!!!
SQUEEE!!!
Woo-hoo! Congratulations, Jessica!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 24, 2018, 12:41:23 PM
Just a quick update, will post details tomorrow...
GCS scheduled for 5 April 2019!!!
Wow! Just 6 months away! Congratulations, and I hope the time goes quickly and smoothly.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 24, 2018, 12:41:23 PM
Just a quick update, will post details tomorrow...
GCS scheduled for 5 April 2019!!!
Wonderful Congrats
My wife and I arrived at the Meltzer Clinic in Scottsdale at 9:00am for my 10:00am appointment. I did not want to take any chances on being late! We went up to the Clinic office and let them know we were there. About 20 minutes later Michelle invited us to an exam room. She made sure what I was there for and told us some basic information about the surgery, then went to get Dr. Ley while I changed into a gown. A few minutes later Dr. Ley came in and introduced herself. For the next 15 - 20 minutes she told us everything that could possibly go wrong, none of this made my wife happy. Eventually she got to the basics of the surgery (they do a two-stage process with the second stage 3+ months after the first) and asked several times if we had any questions. Next she checked out my equipment and seemed to be satisfied with everything. Dr. Ley asked when I had started genital electrolysis. Based on my answer and her exam, she suggested a surgery date no earlier than April. Once Dr. Ley left I got dressed and was taken to see Paxton for scheduling. Paxton checked the schedule and suggested 5 April, which I quickly agreed to. Paxton also printed out price sheets for the surgery and let me know how much I would probably need to pay based on my insurance coverage. I paid my deposit and left the Clinic about 10:30am. My wife did not seem very happy (she is OK now), but I sure was smiling!
Paxton sent me an email with a packet of information I have not checked out yet, but she said it included a timeline of things I would need to do in preparation for surgery. I have a little over six months to get it done. It will happen.
Of course you will get everything done. Congrats Girl!
THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!
As much as I hate to agree with a certain someone ...
THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!YAY!
You've got this,
Faith
Quote from: Laurie on September 25, 2018, 08:32:24 PM
Of course you will get everything done. Congrats Girl!
THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!
That is awesome, Jessica!
Thanks to all of you for your encouragement!
One more nice thing happened over the weekend. When I came out to my parents I was sure my dad was going to shun me, but luckily I was wrong. I told my parents they have a lifetime pass on getting my name right, and I will never correct them. My mom has been great about getting it right, but my dad is struggling so he usually avoids using any name. When I talked to them on Sunday my dad called me 'Jessica' twice! Knowing they are both trying to get it right is awesome!!!
I don't know if I will tell my parents about my planned surgery, and I may not even tell my brothers. It is not something they would ever see, and I am concerned how they may react. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...
Jessica,
I'm so happy for you. Congratulations.
Julie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 25, 2018, 08:20:46 PM
Paxton sent me an email with a packet of information I have not checked out yet, but she said it included a timeline of things I would need to do in preparation for surgery. I have a little over six months to get it done. It will happen.
Sounds like you had a really great experience and of course the outcome is exactly what you wanted.
Its great to get the tangible affirmation and the countdfown begins. I am sure you will push though any difficulties
Enjoy the next 6 months "Prepping"
Take care
Liz
Hi Jessica,
I just found your thread. Congratulations on your surgery date! And more immediately, congratulations on your upcoming NCOD presentation! I know you'll do a great job on it (well, both events). Wish I could see it (the NCOD one that is), but I'm working for a slightly smaller company lol.
I've moved back in with my wife this week, so that's my own incremental bit of good news.
Enjoy this last beautiful, warm Sunday!
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: RandyL on September 30, 2018, 10:21:57 AM
Hi Jessica,
I just found your thread. Congratulations on your surgery date! And more immediately, congratulations on your upcoming NCOD presentation! I know you'll do a great job on it (well, both events). Wish I could see it (the NCOD one that is), but I'm working for a slightly smaller company lol.
I've moved back in with my wife this week, so that's my own incremental bit of good news.
Enjoy this last beautiful, warm Sunday!
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
I have already told Jessica Rose Congrats so I want to hijack this thread a moment to say Congratulations
@RandyL on the news that you are returning to your home with your wife Jacqui! I think that is GREAT news. Please tell her ( if appropriate ) that I think staying together is a very good thing to do. Working things out is always preferable to splitting up. Please tell her I said hi.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: RandyL on September 30, 2018, 10:21:57 AM
I've moved back in with my wife this week, so that's my own incremental bit of good news.
That is indeed awesome news Randi! No matter what our path, having someone who can understand and accept us makes our journey just a little easier. Sometimes all we need is a warm hug, or loving embrace to let us know we are loved for who we are.
Before my story was selected for live presentation I was asked to make a video. The original file is huge, but I found some compression software to squeeze it down small enough for email. A few members of Susan's have seen it, and I think they all agree that although the text is strong, it pales in comparison to seeing the emotion expressed in the video. I have removed identifying information from the text, but not from the video. For those long-time members who would like to see the video and will agree to protect my online privacy (no forwarding or posting), send me a PM with your request and email address and I will send a copy of the video.
I would have liked to include more detail in places, but I was asked to keep my presentation to five minutes. It wound up being about six minutes, but I don't think I could have shortened it any. My eyes are watering just reading it. I hope to find the strength to keep myself together for six minutes, then I can fall apart. I just keep telling myself 'I can do this'. Here is the text:
Hi, my name is... not what it used to be. I hated being a boy. I wanted to be a girl. I started cross-dressing in the '70's, which was pretty disgraceful. I was caught and punished several times. I learned to suppress who I was. My anger began growing. I started punching walls, the pain seemed to help.
In 1984 I graduated, got married, and joined the military. A daughter arrived in '94, I left the military in '96, and we had a second daughter in '98. As time passed my family suffered through increasing levels of anger. Trivial issues triggered fits of rage. Those who saw my dark side were concerned. I nearly lost my job.
One day 5-6 years ago my family and I were sitting in our car. There was a handgun in the glove box. A misunderstanding triggered a fit of rage so intense I was shaking. I told my wife to shoot me. I almost did it myself. Seeing our daughters in the back seat was all that stopped me from ending my pain.
Our first daughter graduated college and moved away in 2015. The next year our second daughter started college in another state. They don't contact me often. I think I know why.
In December 2016 I found a transgender support site where members shared their stories. Story after story I thought "I could have written that". It hit suddenly. I saw the truth. I had found the source of my anger. In seconds I went from thinking I was just a cross-dresser with severe anger issues to knowing I was transgender. I now had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or finding peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. My decision could cost me everyone I love -- my wife, my daughters, my family, my friends. In tears, I chose to begin a new journey. Imagine the pain someone must be feeling to make this choice.
On Feb 12th I told my wife, she was not very happy.
On October 11th, 2017 I sent my manager a 'coming out' email. His response was perfect. The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Next I told a co-worker, I cried as she hugged me. The day after Christmas I told my daughters. They supported me. I asked our older daughter why she was crying, she said she was happy I had found the source of my anger. I cried too.
On January 19th while driving to work I became euphoric. It was time. I changed my name. I got a new drivers' license. On February 16th, I told my co-workers:
"Today is my last day at this company. Although I will be back next week, the person you see today will never return. Over forty years of my life have been spent trying to hide the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now it is time to free my soul from darkness and allow her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again. I am Jessica Rose."
I soon discovered that I work with some amazingly supportive people. I made many new friends. In April I decided to tell my relatives. They had no idea I had transitioned. I drove to see them. My fear quickly turned to joy when they all accepted me. My dad's greeting? "I like your boots!"
In May I visited our older daughter. We went hiking and shopping, she even picked out some dresses for me. Before I left she said that in college she had decided never to live at home again, and she was happy to have found a job far from home. My anger had driven her away. She said I am now a completely different person.
My journey isn't over, but my constant frustration and anger are gone. My soul is free from darkness. My parents still love me. My friends are still my friends. My relationship with my family is healing.
When I look in the mirror I shake my head and smile. It only took four decades and a leap into the unknown, but I finally found peace, and a new beginning. My advice? Don't let others tell you who you are. Just be yourself, the world will adjust.
Jessica Rose,
The video was indeed an awesome and moving presentation. You can do this! Because you have to, your and our story needs to be told.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on September 30, 2018, 01:46:25 PM
Jessica Rose,
The video was indeed an awesome and moving presentation. You can do this! Because you have to, your and our story needs to be told.
Hugs,
Laurie
Exactly! For those few minutes while on stage I will represent all of us. Although we are all different, my story is similar to many others. People need to hear our story, see and feel the emotional turmoil we have gone through. If this helps just one person understand, or helps one person find the strength to come out of the darkness, then it will be worth it. I will do this!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on September 24, 2018, 12:41:23 PM
Just a quick update, will post details tomorrow...
GCS scheduled for 5 April 2019!!!
Whoohoo Jessica Rose! Congratulations! I will be watching for update on you GCS.
Hugs,
Donica.
I will be hitting the road Saturday morning for my company's National Coming Out Day event in Cleveland on 11 Oct. Six 'coming out' stories will be presented, and mine will be the last. I am the only person presenting their story live. I told my manager that I may have been the only person insane enough to volunteer. I picked up some waterproof mascara today, and I'm debating if a tissue will be sufficient or if I should just go on stage with a towel in my hand. One of the event emcees who saw my video described it as 'raw and emotional'. I hope the live version gets the same review. Just six more days until I tell my story.
Only six more months until my GCS!!!
Wow! I did not realize that you were the only live presenter at the event! Your presence and presentation will be great, i am sure. Lots of positive energy and support will be coming your way, and you will do very well.
Love and respect,
Michelle P.
Quote from: Michelle_P on October 05, 2018, 08:16:51 PM
Wow! I did not realize that you were the only live presenter at the event!
Love and respect,
Michelle P.
I just found that out this morning! There will be one or two emcees, and a panel discussion after my presentation, but I am indeed the only one presenting their story live. I will have an hour or so to do some dry runs in the auditorium with some of the other speakers and panelists as an audience. In my mind the only outcome I see is success. 'He' never liked speaking in public, but I am not that person anymore. 'She' will succeed!
Break a leg Jessica! I'm sure you'll be fine. I'll be watching for updates.
Donica.
I am driving to Cleveland because I have a strong dislike for the TSA. I am spending the night in Des Moines IA and should get to Cleveland tomorrow evening. Something very important happened when I left home this morning. My wife and I have been married over 34 years, and I have taken many solo trips, but I think today was the first time I ever saw her cry when I left home. I still don't quite understand why, but even after the decades of anger and my transition, she still loves me. Now I need a tissue...
Drive safely! Sometimes our relationships face an inflection point or maybe reach a critical point where things change. Hopefully this is it for you both. Make sure you call home when you arrive to let her know you are safe and that you love her.
Judi
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 06, 2018, 08:53:13 PM
I am driving to Cleveland because I have a strong dislike for the TSA. I am spending the night in Des Moines IA and should get to Cleveland tomorrow evening. Something very important happened when I left home this morning. My wife and I have been married over 34 years, and I have taken many solo trips, but I think today was the first time I ever saw her cry when I left home. I still don't quite understand why, but even after the decades of anger and my transition, she still loves me. Now I need a tissue...
Gosh! I need a tissue too. You must still be on the road Jessica. I hope you arrive safely.
Donica.
I arrived safely and have checked in to my hotel. It was overcast with light rain or fog all day. The humidity killed my hair! Just picked up a turkey and apple sandwich from Panera, I never stopped for lunch, so I am a little hungry! While on the road yesterday I practiced my story out loud for the first time. The emotions were overwhelming at times. After two or three run throughs I was able to get through it reasonably well. I found that my emotions decrease each time I run through my story, but they tend to reset overnight so the next day my first run through is once again very emotional. I plan to limit myself to one or two dry runs Thursday so I should still be able to show strong emotions when it is time.
Glad you made it safely. Go get em girl.
Hugs,
Donica.
Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on October 06, 2018, 09:18:04 PM
Drive safely! Sometimes our relationships face an inflection point or maybe reach a critical point where things change. Hopefully this is it for you both. Make sure you call home when you arrive to let her know you are safe and that you love her.
I apologize for not responding to this... I always call my wife whenever I make a gas or bathroom stop. I also call her when I check in to my hotel, and again before I go to bed. I know she worries about me, and I want her to know I am OK. When she answers my call I always start by saying 'I love you', and I tell her again at the end of the call. Some may think that is a bit too much, but I can never make up for what she has gone through.
I had a meeting with two of the event organizers today, and made two dry runs so they could get an idea of how long it was. They made a few suggestions to tighten it up a bit after the first run, which I incorporated into the second. They were both pleased with the way I presented my story. Even though both of them had seen my video, they both became emotional. They also told me this National Coming Out Day event will easily have the most viewers of any previous event. The auditorium will be full, and there are over 30 'viewing parties' set up at company locations across the US. I told them they should not have told me that!
Telling my story to a bunch of strangers would be very difficult for me, but everyone in attendance is there because they want to learn. I won't be telling my story to strangers, I will be telling it to a room full of friends who care.
I also added a little more about my wife, she deserves much more than one sentence. This is the new text:
In February told my wife. She wasn't very happy, but she has stayed by my side. I have asked her why, after everything I have put her through, why has she stayed? She said it's because she loves me.
Hi Jessica,
I am sure your presentation will go over well and you will do a fantastic job in presenting it. I also like you adding a little more regarding Susan. Good Job girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 08, 2018, 06:50:04 PM
I also added a little more about my wife, she deserves much more than one sentence. This is the new text:
In February told my wife. She wasn't very happy, but she has stayed by my side. I have asked her why, after everything I have put her through, why has she stayed? She said it's because she loves me.
Jessica Rose, Good luck but it does sound like you have it down cold. I like the extra part you said about your wife. Both of you are lucky to have each other.
Can't wait to hear how it went.
Julie
Jessica Rose: yet another hero who lives among us at Susan's Place. Every one of us is amazing in our own way, but some develop extraordinary courage and grab special opportunities that move our society forward.
I am so privileged to have spent time with her. And eaten some of her chocolate, of course.
Knock 'em dead, Ms. Jessica Rose. We are all so incredibly proud of you.
Stephanie
snipped:
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 08, 2018, 06:50:04 PM
- - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - -- - - -
I also added a little more about my wife, she deserves much more than one sentence. This is the new text:
In February told my wife. She wasn't very happy, but she has stayed by my side. I have asked her why, after everything I have put her through, why has she stayed? She said it's because she loves me.
@Jessica_Rose Wow, you are very fortunate...
....you can't ask for better than that... Love conquers all !!!!
Thank you for sharing with your fans.
Hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 08, 2018, 06:50:04 PM
.... When she answers my call I always start by saying 'I love you', and I tell her again at the end of the call. Some may think that is a bit too much, but I can never make up for what she has gone through.
...Telling my story to a bunch of strangers would be very difficult for me, but everyone in attendance is there because they want to learn. I won't be telling my story to strangers, I will be telling it to a room full of friends who care.
I also added a little more about my wife, she deserves much more than one sentence. This is the new text:
In February told my wife. She wasn't very happy, but she has stayed by my side. I have asked her why, after everything I have put her through, why has she stayed? She said it's because she loves me.
I think what you have said and written about your wife is wonderful you obviously love her deeply. Personally I don't you can ever tell your partner enough times that you love them..I know I never get sick of being told I am loved but I have to say I think I could take a leaf out of your book and tell her more often.
I hope it goes amazingly well for you and telling your story empowers you.
Take care
Liz
In about 9 hours I will be giving the most important presentation of my life -- telling my story during my company's National Coming Out Day event. I have never spoken in public, but this is something I must do. I am nervous and scared, but the only way to face your fears is head on. I am wearing the same dress that I wore to Tia and Debi's re-wedding (post #250, back row, center), and I am also wearing the necklace Stephanie and Cassie gave me that weekend (intertwined rings in the colors of the transgender pride flag). I also have waterproof mascara! I will have an opportunity to do a few dry runs on stage. There is a large monitor which can only be seen from the stage, which have the text of my story so I can refer to it if I get lost.
I have already done something which just 18 months ago seemed impossible, I transitioned. Now that I have done what I once thought was impossible, I realize there is nothing I cannot do. This is happening, and I will succeed.
You'll do great, Jessica.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 11, 2018, 06:08:43 AM
I am also wearing the necklace Stephanie and Cassie gave me that weekend (intertwined rings in the colors of the transgender pride flag). I also have waterproof mascara!
I'm glad I don't have any mascara on yet or it would be ruined! I'm so happy our little gift means that much. Maybe as much as that chocolate you gave us? Nahhhh.
Yes, you can do anything. And yes, you will succeed - gloriously!
Stephanie
Good luck Jessica
I Hope it goes really well for you and you "knock the Sox's off them " You are realy well prepared (Waterproof Mascara.....Check!) You will be fabulous... Good luck
Take care
Liz
Jessica Rose, in the theatre biz, it is considered bad luck to wish a performer about to go on stage good luck. So they say to each other, "Break a leg" instead. I can't bring myself to wish that to you, even metaphorically, so I'll just say that I know you will do great!
If they make a video of your presentation and you feel so inclined, I would love to see it.
I want to thank all of you for your words of encouragement.
This was the first time I had ever spoken in public. Based on the reaction I received --- I NAILED IT!!!
During my roughly six minute presentation I received two standing ovations. I was congratulated by dozens of people, and both the CIO and CMO (Chief Marketing Officer) each talked to me for about five minutes. The CMO told me that my presentation left him speechless. I also checked with HR this morning to make sure it was OK, and I mentioned Susan's Place by name as the site that helped me discover my true nature. I was shaking for about twenty minutes afterwards, but managed to get some laughter out of one of the questions from the panel discussion. They asked how coming out had changed me as a person. Part of my answer was that by transitioning I had done something that just two years ago I thought was impossible, and now after having done the impossible I realized that I can do anything -- including speaking in public!
The best estimate so far is that over 1000 people were watching the event.
I can hardly wait to check my company email in the morning!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 11, 2018, 06:53:41 PM
I want to thank all of you for your words of encouragement.
This was the first time I had ever spoken in public. Based on the reaction I received --- I NAILED IT!!!
During my roughly six minute presentation I received two standing ovations. I was congratulated by dozens of people, and both the CIO and CMO (Chief Marketing Officer) each talked to me for about five minutes. The CMO told me that my presentation left him speechless. I also checked with HR this morning to make sure it was OK, and I mentioned Susan's Place by name as the site that helped me discover my true nature. I was shaking for about twenty minutes afterwards, but managed to get some laughter out of one of the questions from the panel discussion. They asked how coming out had changed me as a person. Part of my answer was that by transitioning I had done something that just two years ago I thought was impossible, and now after having done the impossible I realized that I can do anything -- including speaking in public!
The best estimate so far is that over 1000 people were watching the event.
I can hardly wait to check my company email in the morning!
Okay, darn it...
SQUEEESPLOSION!!
Yes, I knew Jessica Rose before she was famous. No, I can't get you her autograph.
Stephanie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 11, 2018, 06:53:41 PM
I want to thank all of you for your words of encouragement.
This was the first time I had ever spoken in public. Based on the reaction I received --- I NAILED IT!!!
During my roughly six minute presentation I received two standing ovations. I was congratulated by dozens of people, and both the CIO and CMO (Chief Marketing Officer) each talked to me for about five minutes. The CMO told me that my presentation left him speechless. I also checked with HR this morning to make sure it was OK, and I mentioned Susan's Place by name as the site that helped me discover my true nature. I was shaking for about twenty minutes afterwards, but managed to get some laughter out of one of the questions from the panel discussion. They asked how coming out had changed me as a person. Part of my answer was that by transitioning I had done something that just two years ago I thought was impossible, and now after having done the impossible I realized that I can do anything -- including speaking in public!
The best estimate so far is that over 1000 people were watching the event.
I can hardly wait to check my company email in the morning!
OMG Jessica, that's AMAZING! I can't even imagine how relieved you must be to have faced one of the most monumental yet terrifying moments of your life and gotten such a wonderful response!
Congrats, girl! It can only get better from here!
Jessica,
I so glad it went really well. I knew you would nail it. Wow this is a big moment in your life. Congratulations, I so happy for you.
Julie
Wonderful! WONDERFUL!!''oh hell SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPLOSION!!
I am happy all went well for you and I believe you personally have helped others understand that this is not a choice we make. No, it is a hell we live with. No one wants to live a life of secret self loathing. A life of insecurities. A life of secrecy indulging in what we were taught was forbidden behavior. A life of guilt and shame. A life where the only real relief comes with such a high risk of losing everything we love in order to be ourselves. And yet we either take that risk or lose ourselves.
' I am Proud of you Jessica Rose and I thank you.
Hugs,
Laurie
@Jessica_RoseDear Jessica:
How can any of your thread's followers tell you how very excited we are for you and your recent successes.... the closest I can come is to borrow the expression invented by
@Steph2.0 and then subsequently used by
@Laurie SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEPLOSION!! Thank you for sharing your inspiring life events with all of us.
Hugs and continued well wishes and more successes...
Danielle
Wow this is awesome news! I knew you'd do a great job. I'd say you more than nailed it. You're correct that as a collateral benefit of transitioning we learn so much about ourselves and the strength that we possess inside to do what was once thought of as impossible. Congratulations Jessica!
Judi
Wow! Well done, Jessica! What a great response, so positive and affirming! And a great response from the C-suite folks!
Thank you for doing this. Your visibility and openness is incredibly valuable in educating folks and helping the rest of us be more readily accepted.
Congratulations, Jessica Rose! It sounds like you did nail it! Thank you for being an advocate for all of us.
Oh Jessica Rose! I'm am soooo proud of you girl. Way too knock em dead. If you have a video of your presentation, Please, we would all love to see it?
On a side note, I have some water proof mascara and eyeliner. I put the eyeliner on my upper eyelid but for some reason? it is transfering to my bottom eyelids.
Big hugs girl!
Donica.
Well done Jessica, we are all proud of you. You must admit that you have come a long way in the past wee bit of time.
Good going girl!
Tia Anne
You Colorado girls rock!
Anne
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 11, 2018, 06:53:41 PM
I want to thank all of you for your words of encouragement.
This was the first time I had ever spoken in public. Based on the reaction I received --- I NAILED IT!!!
During my roughly six minute presentation I received two standing ovations. I was congratulated by dozens of people, and both the CIO and CMO (Chief Marketing Officer) each talked to me for about five minutes. The CMO told me that my presentation left him speechless. I also checked with HR this morning to make sure it was OK, and I mentioned Susan's Place by name as the site that helped me discover my true nature. I was shaking for about twenty minutes afterwards, but managed to get some laughter out of one of the questions from the panel discussion. They asked how coming out had changed me as a person. Part of my answer was that by transitioning I had done something that just two years ago I thought was impossible, and now after having done the impossible I realized that I can do anything -- including speaking in public!
The best estimate so far is that over 1000 people were watching the event.
I can hardly wait to check my company email in the morning!
Congratulations...what a brilliant outcome...I am so happy to hear it went so well for you...no holding you back now!!!
Take care
Liz
Quote from: Donica on October 12, 2018, 11:48:11 AM
Oh Jessica Rose! I'm am soooo proud of you girl. Way too knock em dead. If you have a video of your presentation, Please, we would all love to see it?
Big hugs girl!
Donica.
I forgot to mention, in addition to the Chief Information Officer (CIO) and the Chief Marketing Officer (CMO), the Chief Financial Officer (CFO) also talked to me for several minutes. Unfortunately our CEO was out of town, but she is a huge supporter of the LGBT+ community. There is a chance I may get an email or call from her as well once she watches the recording.
The CIO had asked me for a copy of my manager's response to my original 'coming out' note. In addition to the note, I mentioned that I would love to help spread the word about how inclusive our company is. With my recent boost in confidence, I asked our CIO if I could get a recording of the event! If I can get a copy and if they allow it, I will do what I can to post it somewhere.
While I was telling my story it was hard to see the audience reaction due to the lighting, but I did hear some gasps and quite a bit of crying. To be honest, I did not tell them about some of the even darker thoughts I had to fight. The response I received went way beyond my expectations. I was hoping for moderate applause at best, not a standing ovation in the middle and at the end of my story! I have already been invited back for next year, and was asked to consider joining our LGBT+ board.
I will be in Madison WI until around Noon on Sunday visiting our older daughter, then it is off to Colorado after an overnight stay in Omaha.
Jessica, did someone record your presentation. If so would you see if it could be uploaded to youtube so we can all watch it?
Quote from: gracefulhat on October 12, 2018, 10:17:58 PM
Jessica, did someone record your presentation. If so would you see if it could be uploaded to youtube so we can all watch it?
The event was recorded. Any employee of my company can watch the entire event whenever they want. I do not know of any individuals who may have recorded it. I am trying to get a copy, but I am not sure if it would be within company policies to post it due to privacy concerns. I do have a video of my story that I made at home a few weeks ago, and I would consider posting it, but there is personal information in it which includes my full name and employer. If enough people are interested (send me a PM), I would consider making a new video without the identifying information.
Jessica,
Congratulations on your courageous presentation, I'm glad it went really well and you got such good feedback [emoji4].
Nicole
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 12, 2018, 10:32:11 PM
The event was recorded. Any employee of my company can watch the entire event whenever they want. I do not know of any individuals who may have recorded it. I am trying to get a copy, but I am not sure if it would be within company policies to post it due to privacy concerns. I do have a video of my story that I made at home a few weeks ago, and I would consider posting it, but there is personal information in it which includes my full name and employer. If enough people are interested (send me a PM), I would consider making a new video without the identifying information.
Not sure how to PM but I would like to see it
Hi Jessica,
I'm so glad your presentation went so well! I'm weeks behind on catching up here on Susans, but I join all the other positive feedback! Can I work at your company lol? Seriously, they should be using this kind of thing in their recruitment efforts.
I hope you made it back before the snow. Say Hi to Susan for me.
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 12, 2018, 09:56:34 PM
I
While I was telling my story it was hard to see the audience reaction due to the lighting, but I did hear some gasps and quite a bit of crying. To be honest, I did not tell them about some of the even darker thoughts I had to fight. The response I received went way beyond my expectations. I was hoping for moderate applause at best, not a standing ovation in the middle and at the end of my story! I have already been invited back for next year, and was asked to consider joining our LGBT+ board.
Wow that is an incredible outcome. I would love to have seen or heard you speak as I can imagine it was quote moving but to not just get one but two standing ovation shows how well you came across. What a fantastically inclusive company.
Take care
Liz
Quote from: RandyL on October 14, 2018, 10:53:34 AM
I'm so glad your presentation went so well! I'm weeks behind on catching up here on Susans, but I join all the other positive feedback! Can I work at your company lol? Seriously, they should be using this kind of thing in their recruitment efforts.
I have decided to let everyone know where I work. I have been with them over 12 years, and they have the best environment of any company I have ever worked for. I am not endorsing any of their products (ymmv), but as a company they promote and whole heartedly support diversity in all its forms. Finding their corporate guidelines on transitioning was an important factor in my decision to come out, and to stay with them. I work for Progressive Insurance.
I could not get an official copy of the video, so I created a bootleg version. The video leaves a bit to be desired, but the audio is perfectly clear. I have cut out the parts where others can be seen so there should be no privacy issues. Hopefully my employer won't mind. I will find somewhere to post the video later today and will let you know where to find it.
I have heard they are planning to use my video to help educate others, I am hoping this may turn into something more.
I have posted a link to the video in this thread (I hope it works):
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241752.msg2186579.html#msg2186579
Yesterday morning was interesting. My manager contacted me before 7:00am and wanted to know when we could talk privately. My first thought was 'I must be in trouble'. Our meeting started around 8:00am. He asked if I was OK. He was worried that the news about the government trying to set up rules negating the existence of those who identify as transgender may have put me in a bad mood. Well of course it did, but I was amazed that he cared enough to ask about it! We discussed it for about 30 minutes, and I assured him that I would be fine. I am still thinking about how lucky I am to work in a place where managers care this much.
Today was awesome. I started off by modifying some vendor code to smooth the rollout of our primary database software (IBM Db2 v12). It made our DBA's very happy.
Next I got an IM from a co-worker I had never met, she had just seen the video of my coming out story and wanted to thank me for having to courage to do it. She found it to be a very emotional story and said it really helped educate her on some of what we go through. By the way, a more recent estimate puts the number of local and remote attendees for the event at around 1300!
When I got home there was an overnight FedEx envelope waiting for me. I did not recognize return address. It was flat, and it wasn't ticking, so I decided to open it. Inside was a nice note from a parent of a softball player whose team I took photos for one weekend this past summer. She said the girls loved the photos, and she was hoping we may run into each other again next season. There was also a $200 gift card. I certainly hope to see her again too!
Finally my wife (Susan) and I went grocery shopping. While getting a case of soda, a lady came over and said 'hello' to Susan. It was a friend she goes walking with several times a week. I noticed Susan now had that 'deer in the headlights' look, it seems she had never told her friend about my transition! While Susan stood there trying to figure out what to say, I introduced myself. She was a bit surprised and asked a few questions, but I think she took the news pretty well. I think I know what Susan and her friend will be talking about the next time they go on a walk!
My dead name is a source of great pain. To avoid receiving Christmas cards with my dead name, next week we will be sending a letter to everyone on our Christmas card list. It is basically the same as my previous 'coming out' letters, but the first paragraph is a bit different:
"Susan and I have some important information to share. We wanted to get this letter out before the holidays to avoid an uncomfortable situation. After 34 years we remain happily married, and our daughters are both doing well. Here is the short version -- on February 5, 2018 I changed my legal name and gender. I am now Jessica Rose."
Near the end of the letter I explain 'dead naming' and let them know that I will not tolerate it:
"The most hurtful thing you can do when someone transitions is to use their old 'dead' name. It is an exceptionally painful reminder of the tortured shell we left behind. Please note, any correspondence with my 'dead' name will be destroyed upon receipt."
I also provide a few answers to some common questions:
- Susan and I are staying together, we still love each other.
- We have the support of our entire family, including my parents.
- My legal name is Jessica Rose, our daughters helped choose it.
- My driver's license indicates my gender as 'Female'.
- All of my friends and co-workers accept me as a woman.
- This is a gender issue, it has nothing to do with sex or lifestyle.
I will include these two photos of Susan and I...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fo7zk1V5.jpg&hash=d7ee15886118472283945ff3c60ce4c282fc6144) (https://imgur.com/o7zk1V5) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6OWkXBj.jpg&hash=30eb9cc69513043632ef7680b95e8c803f15bd77) (https://imgur.com/6OWkXBj)
Good idea to "head 'em off at the pass"!
Thanks for sharing key excerpts of your letter, Jessica. It is helpful to me, who is composing a clarifying email to my own family (all are accepting but a bit confused). I hope you don't receive any inappropriate correspondence this holiday season.
Randy
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Good luck I hope it goes really well for you
TAKE CARE
Liz
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Great idea and letter, Jessica. The photos of the two of you are really cute as well.
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Several of our friends have asked my wife if I am attracted to men. In order to head off that question as well, I plan to add something like this:
Upon hearing news of my transition some people assume that I am attracted to men. This is not the case. I played that role for over 50 years and didn't like it, so why would I want to date one? Our love for each other transcends gender.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 28, 2018, 07:59:00 PM
Several of our friends have asked my wife if I am attracted to men. In order to head off that question as well, I plan to add something like this:
Upon hearing news of my transition some people assume that I am attracted to men. This is not the case. I played that role for over 50 years and didn't like it, so why would I want to date one? Our love for each other transcends gender.
Nicely put, with a good explanation. "Transcends gender" I like that!
Hi Jessica and Susan,
Important things first... I love the pictures of you two and the one with Susan on yor lap is cute.
Now, like the others have already commented, I think the first strike option is a good strategy. As yoou said they have already gotten your coming out letter so this should by rights be just a reminder for them. A short refresher course if you will. Including the FAQ should help them through possible faux pas situations.
As always I'm glad to see you and Susan working together and figuring things out. Keep it up.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on October 28, 2018, 09:21:20 PM
Hi Jessica and Susan,
Important things first... I love the pictures of you two and the one with Susan on yor lap is cute.
Now, like the others have already commented, I think the first strike option is a good strategy. As yoou said they have already gotten your coming out letter so this should by rights be just a reminder for them. A short refresher course if you will. Including the FAQ should help them through possible faux pas situations.
As always I'm glad to see you and Susan working together and figuring things out. Keep it up.
Hugs,
Laurie
Actually, these recipients don't know about my transition. Some are long-time family friends, one uncle, two aunts, and the rest are friends and neighbors from various locations we have lived. Most of them we only hear from once a year. I still have a neighbor or two who may not know because of my work hours! We will probably lose a few of these folks, but that is their loss.
I have asked Susan to consider joining Susan's Place. I know there are not many 'significant other' members, and her experiences may be helpful to them.
On a sad note, Susan and I talked to my parents yesterday. One of my older brothers, Carl, was diagnosed with colon cancer about four years ago, is fading fast. The cancer has spread to many other locations. Carl and I used to fight quite a bit growing up, but we later became good friends. He has fought for years to hang around, but now the pain and ravages of cancer have become overwhelming. My parents recognize that he won't be around much longer. We are not sure if he will make it to the end of the year.
Dear Jessica and Susan! I'm very sorry to hear about your brother Carl. All my hopes and prayers are with you and your family.
It would be lovely if Susan would join Susan's. I'm sure there are many that would love to talk to her.
Best Wishes!
Donica.
Hi Jessica,
I guess I misunderstood what you said. I see the error of my ways now (fat chance of that). At any rate I was incorrect.
I am sorry to hear of the deterioration in Carl's health. Cancer is such a hard thing to deal with and I mean it is hard in more ways the the disease itself. It affects so much more in the person's life and those around them. I hope you and the family are doing okay with What is happening. If not some grief counseling may be in order. I have lost my mom and a sister to cancers and of course you know my story with it. That is all I am going to say about it.
I hope all is well otherwise.
Hugs,
Laurie
When Carl was first diagnosed he was given 6 months, which he has far surpassed. Even though we know the day is coming, it will still be met with sadness.
I decided to post the 'holiday' version of my coming out letter. Since new threads seem to get much more attention, and since I felt some folks may find another sample letter useful, I put it here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,242079.msg2190088.html#msg2190088
Jess, my love to you and your family, and especially to Carl. Your love is what will get you all through. Love Randy
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Quote from: RandyL on October 31, 2018, 07:55:42 PM
Jess, my love to you and your family, and especially to Carl. Your love is what will get you all through. Love Randy
Thanks Randy. Carl has been a HAM radio operator for decades and has friends spread far and wide. He even received a citation from the US Coast Guard for personally coordinating the rescue of dozens or people in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. He could be brusque at times, be he always had a good heart.
The 'holiday letters' were mailed Thursday morning (1 Nov). I don't really expect much response. As long as the holiday greetings say 'Jessica' then I will know the letters had the desired effect.
I sent a note to my primary care physician a few minutes ago to schedule the items I will need to take care of to stay on track for my appointment with Dr. Ley. It seems like a long time away, but it is slowly growing closer...
Susan insisted on going to the local Rescue Mission this morning to donate the last remaining bags of 'his' clothing, including some heavy coats. It is nice not encountering those little reminders anymore, and getting back some closet space.
The day started off with a few flurries, then the sun came out. Soon the wind picked up, the clouds rolled in, and we had a rain/snow mix for about 30 minutes. Behind that, blue skies and sun. I love the weather in Colorado, we get all four seasons, sometimes in the same day!
Most days now feel normal, like nothing special has happened. Then I think about where I was two years ago and I realize the incredible changes that have taken place in my life, and I know there are more changes yet to come. One day the excitement and newness will fade, but what remains will be the most incredible gift of all, one that will be with me the rest of my life -- I will be the person that I was meant to be. No hiding. No acting. For the rest of my life I get to be myself. I am Jessica Rose.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on October 29, 2018, 05:12:36 AM
Actually, these recipients don't know about my transition. Some are long-time family friends, one uncle, two aunts, and the rest are friends and neighbors from various locations we have lived. Most of them we only hear from once a year. I still have a neighbor or two who may not know because of my work hours! We will probably lose a few of these folks, but that is their loss.
I have asked Susan to consider joining Susan's Place. I know there are not many 'significant other' members, and her experiences may be helpful to them.
On a sad note, Susan and I talked to my parents yesterday. One of my older brothers, Carl, was diagnosed with colon cancer about four years ago, is fading fast. The cancer has spread to many other locations. Carl and I used to fight quite a bit growing up, but we later became good friends. He has fought for years to hang around, but now the pain and ravages of cancer have become overwhelming. My parents recognize that he won't be around much longer. We are not sure if he will make it to the end of the year.
Hi Jessica Rose
I am just catching up on your thread again and saw this post. I am sorry that you are all going through this. These situation is hard on everyone especially the person suffering from it.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 03, 2018, 08:44:34 PM
Susan insisted on going to the local Rescue Mission this morning to donate the last remaining bags of 'his' clothing, including some heavy coats. It is nice not encountering those little reminders anymore, and getting back some closet space.
The day started off with a few flurries, then the sun came out. Soon the wind picked up, the clouds rolled in, and we had a rain/snow mix for about 30 minutes. Behind that, blue skies and sun. I love the weather in Colorado, we get all four seasons, sometimes in the same day!
Most days now feel normal, like nothing special has happened. Then I think about where I was two years ago and I realize the incredible changes that have taken place in my life, and I know there are more changes yet to come. One day the excitement and newness will fade, but what remains will be the most incredible gift of all, one that will be with me the rest of my life -- I will be the person that I was meant to be. No hiding. No acting. For the rest of my life I get to be myself. I am Jessica Rose.
Jessica Rose I hope that the excitement remains with you for a long time yet. What I notice more than anything is the absence of the GD...I was doing something yesterday that 3 years ago would have had me a GD wreck for days but now it barely registers...like most of us I have times when it gets bad but its nothing like what it used to be...as I said its what's not there!!
Take care
Liz
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 03, 2018, 08:44:34 PM
...
For the rest of my life I get to be myself. I am Jessica Rose.
Can't add to that! You are yourself.
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
What an awesome day! Susan and I went to Ross, which seems to be where I find most of my clothes. When we walked in one of the employees greeted us:
Employee: 'Hello again!'
Me: 'You remember me?'
Employee: 'Of course I do!'
Me: 'Well, I hope it is for the right reasons.'
Employee: 'I remember you because you have a wonderful smile and always pick out beautiful dresses to try on. I keep hoping you will come out of the dressing rooms wearing one of those dresses so I can see it!'
We talked a while longer and I told her that I hadn't always been a happy person. I showed her my old driver's license. She was speechless for a moment, then she hugged me and said she could see the glow of happiness around me. After I told her part of my story she hugged me again and said I had made her day. I told her she had done the same for me!
I know I should stop outing myself, but I want to help people learn a little and be more comfortable with us. If they never know my background, how will they learn? I am careful who I tell, and I will probably stop when I have my first bad reaction. Of course it would be safer if I stop before I get a bad reaction...
What lovely encounter!
I totally understand your desire to out yourself. I am the same way. I see being visible as my activism. I sometimes wonder why I do it, but my judgement has been right so far. Of course, I don't out myself to everyone I meet.
Jessica that was a sweet encounter you had with the clerk. I'm sure her perspective is much better due to you!
Judi
Responses from the holiday letter have started to arrive...
The first was a call from one of Susan's friends. She supports us all the way. She really liked the letter and mentioned that one of their grandchildren is intersex.
The second was a neighbor in her mid-70's. She walked over to our house and gave my wife a hug. She said we were both very brave, then mentioned that one of her nephews transitioned last year (FTM).
Looks like we are off to a great start!
Great news Jessica! Off to a good start for sure.
Hugs,
Donica.
We had a communication meeting at work today, isn't that what meetings are for? After the meeting someone I had never met came over and started a conversation. He had seen me around but did not know my name. Sometimes that question still catches me off guard, and I hesitated a split second before I remembered it. we talked about our roles for about 15 minutes. It was nice talking to a co-worker who did not know my background for once, and I did not spoil it by telling him.
I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for the morning of 16 Jan to get my pre-op surgery clearance, along with an EKG. My first ever mammogram is scheduled that same afternoon. I hope they will take it easy on the girls, after all they are young and inexperienced!
I found this dress over the weekend and had to get it. I wore this to work and was smiling all day!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FRtCE1xH.jpg&hash=18a6848d8dbfe702ef67ba2775068d4232dccc1d) (https://imgur.com/RtCE1xH)
Great dress, and you look lovely in it! I'm glad you can work in that.
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Nice dress Jessica and loved the update regarding the coworker. What affirmation for you. I hope all goes well at the doc's and the girl do not get a crush from the fondling.
Hugs,
Laurie
Wow, that is a great outfit! Something I could envision wearing.
And me, need to change my job so I can DRESS for work!!!
Working in IT we have a wide latitude in what we wear. Our dress code basically says 'wear whatever you want', and as long as no one complains you are good! Early on my manager did mention someone had commented about a dress or skirt I wore that was a bit short. The next day I wore a short dress (about four inches above my knees) which I thought would be OK. My manager agreed that would be fine, so now I know what is acceptable in my work area. Although that length may seem short, I'm 6' 1" so that is actually a modest length for me. I think the only other restriction is basically no spaghetti straps. I do tend to dress nicer than the cis women there, and maybe one day they will take the hint and join me in celebrating how awesome it is to be a woman!!!
By the way, my wife joined Susan's Place today! It may be a day or two before she makes an intro post, but once she gets comfortable I expect she will be a frequent poster. She will be easy to spot, her user name is 'Susan_Rose'.
Snippd:
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 08, 2018, 05:10:18 PM
- - - - - - -
- - - - - -
By the way, my wife joined Susan's Place today! It may be a day or two before she makes an intro post, but once she gets comfortable I expect she will be a frequent poster. She will be easy to spot, her user name is 'Susan_Rose'.
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:Be warned, your wife has just arrived, I just greeted her on the Introductions Forums....
...I spoke very highly of you so you need to be on your best behavior!!!!
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on November 08, 2018, 09:19:16 PM
Snippd:
@Jessica_Rose
Dear Jessica:
Be warned, your wife has just arrived, I just greeted her on the Introductions Forums....
...I spoke very highly of you so you need to be on your best behavior!!!!
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Thanks for the warning! No worries. I know there are not a lot of significant others on the forums, and those whose marriage survived are rare. I hope her experience may be able to help some of them get through this stage of their lives.
I told her to be herself, and to feel free to tell the truth about the sometimes horrible person I used to be. I won't take it personally, because I am not that person anymore. I can remember some of what he did, but I know my anger blinded me to quite a bit of it. Who knows, I may even learn something from her! Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 08, 2018, 09:37:52 PM
Thanks for the warning! No worries. I know there are not a lot of significant others on the forums, and those whose marriage survived are rare. I hope her experience may be able to help some of them get through this stage of their lives.
I told her to be herself, and to feel free to tell the truth about the sometimes horrible person I used to be. I won't take it personally, because I am not that person anymore. I can remember some of what he did, but I know my anger blinded me to quite a bit of it. Who knows, I may even learn something from her! Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jessica, she seems like a wonderful person and I'm looking forward for her insights. She has and is going through what my wife is at this moment.
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
I hope I made Susan laugh.
Yes Laurie, you did make Susan laugh! Your post occurred after we went to bed, and I didn't see Susan again until after I got home from work. She giggled when I asked her about it.
I visited my favorite Ross store again today and got another hug from my new friend Deva. I found a few dresses to try on and came out of the dressing room so she could see them. One dress had a black and silver metallic top with a black skirt and it fit VERY well (actually a bit too snug). When I went out to show Deva I noticed a 30-something guy looking at me as I modeled the dress. Yep, I knew that look. I used to give it to good looking women too! I couldn't help but smile. Of course now I reserve 'the look' exclusively for Susan!!
Susan came into my office this morning and asked if I would like a different wall clock. I thought it was an odd question, but then I thought a bit more. I received it as a gift when I left the military. The clock is about 14 inches across, it is made from an old IBM 3380 disk platter and has my rank and dead name engraved on it. Susan knows how much my dead name bothers me, and I just thought how amazing it was that she suggested I replace it. I think I'll take her up on the suggestion.
That's wonderful Jessica. It is heart warming to know Susan is thinking of you. I think this calls for a special night out to her favorite place.
Hugs,
Donica.
What a thoughful gesture! :)
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 12, 2018, 02:42:04 PM
Susan came into my office this morning and asked if I would like a different wall clock. I thought it was an odd question, but then I thought a bit more. I received it as a gift when I left the military. The clock is about 14 inches across, it is made from an old IBM 3380 disk platter and has my rank and dead name engraved on it. Susan knows how much my dead name bothers me, and I just thought how amazing it was that she suggested I replace it. I think I'll take her up on the suggestion.
What a lovely thoughtful thing to do...[emoji3]
Liz
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
My electrologist did another 'south pole' clearing today, it took about 65 minutes. She has not found any thick hairs in over a month, so we are making good progress. Today wasn't as uncomfortable as the first few sessions -- maybe I'm getting used to it. Only 143 days until 'V-Day'.
I have felt a bit 'off' the last few days. Today I finally figured it out -- everything feels normal. Not just for a few minutes at a time, but all the time. No worries about whether or not Susan will stay with me, no constant concern about passing, no longer caring about what other people may think, and no hiding who I am. I have become comfortable with myself and the world around me (such as it is). Although I expect I will have moments when I lapse into 'worry' mode at times I feel as though my life is now, and maybe for the first time ever, normal.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 13, 2018, 07:53:43 PM
... Today I finally figured it out -- everything feels normal. Not just for a few minutes at a time, but all the time. No worries about whether or not Susan will stay with me, no constant concern about passing, no longer caring about what other people may think, and no hiding who I am. I have become comfortable with myself and the world around me (such as it is).
...
Isn't that a great feeling, realizing that new 'normal'? Jessica, this is a great thing, our authentic life as ourselves just becoming... our life. It's a tremendous point of closure, and at the same time the start of a whole new phase of our lives, just being ourselves!
Congratulations on achieving the 'new normal' for your life!
I just had an IM session with the Communications Coordinator for our LGBT+ group at work. They are going to send out a note on 20 Nov for the Transgender Day of Remembrance. He wanted to know if it was OK to include a link to my bio and my video from our National Coming Out Day event. I told him that it would be an honor for me to be a part of it.
This is the bio I submitted for the NCOD event:
I have been married 34 years and have two daughters. After serving 12 years in the military and working at a few other companies, I landed at this company. I have been here over 12 years and have been working out of Colorado Springs as part of the Db2 Engineering Team almost the entire time.
Coming out is a pivotal moment in our lives. It not only affects us, but also those around us. Too many people live in fear of others discovering their secret, and that fear often pushes them away from their friends and family -- the very people who could be their biggest allies. Recent studies show over 40% of those who identify as transgender attempt suicide. I was almost part of that statistic. I hope sharing my story will help others find the strength to climb out of the darkness. Coming out is frightening for many of us, but it opens the door to a world where we don't have to hide, one where we can finally be ourselves. There is no greater joy in life than living openly as the person you were meant to be.
"Be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire." – St. Catherine of Sienna
...and a link to the video thread
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241752.msg2186579.html#msg2186579
A lovely post Jessica. Congratulations and thank you.
Hugs,
Donica.
Jessica, thank you so much for sending me the link about your story. I will be sure to check it out. Please help me with something. I don't know how to respond to the message you sent me. Also, I don't know how to send a personal message as you sent to me. I am new here, and can't see how to do these things. Please message me again with some help with this! Thanks *hugs*
Hello Marsha -
Welcome to Susan's! PM functionality will be enabled once you have passed 15 qualified posts. You are almost there!
Hugs,
Sarah
Quote from: MarshaJoy825 on November 16, 2018, 05:12:26 AM
Jessica, thank you so much for sending me the link about your story. I will be sure to check it out. Please help me with something. I don't know how to respond to the message you sent me. Also, I don't know how to send a personal message as you sent to me. I am new here, and can't see how to do these things. Please message me again with some help with this! Thanks *hugs*
This is awesome! You have inadvertently become a valuable and great spokeswoman. What a perfect fit for Transgender Week of Visibility.
Congratulations!
Hugs,
Sarah
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 15, 2018, 12:25:57 PM
I just had an IM session with the Communications Coordinator for our LGBT+ group at work. They are going to send out a note on 20 Nov for the Transgender Day of Remembrance. He wanted to know if it was OK to include a link to my bio and my video from our National Coming Out Day event. I told him that it would be an honor for me to be a part of it.
This is the bio I submitted for the NCOD event:
I have been married 34 years and have two daughters. After serving 12 years in the military and working at a few other companies, I landed at this company. I have been here over 12 years and have been working out of Colorado Springs as part of the Db2 Engineering Team almost the entire time.
Coming out is a pivotal moment in our lives. It not only affects us, but also those around us. Too many people live in fear of others discovering their secret, and that fear often pushes them away from their friends and family -- the very people who could be their biggest allies. Recent studies show over 40% of those who identify as transgender attempt suicide. I was almost part of that statistic. I hope sharing my story will help others find the strength to climb out of the darkness. Coming out is frightening for many of us, but it opens the door to a world where we don't have to hide, one where we can finally be ourselves. There is no greater joy in life than living openly as the person you were meant to be.
"Be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire." – St. Catherine of Sienna
...and a link to the video thread
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241752.msg2186579.html#msg2186579
Quote from: sarah1972 on November 16, 2018, 05:26:10 AM
Hello Marsha -
Welcome to Susan's! PM functionality will be enabled once you have passed 15 qualified posts. You are almost there!
Hugs,
Sarah
Sarah, thanks so much for the welcome and words of encouragement. I am so excited about being here though with a bit of trepidation.
Yesterday was facial laser session #12. It was not as painful as the last one, hopefully that means there were fewer hairs to zap. For some reason the tissues along my jawline feel sore today, almost like a bruise. That has not happened before. Session #13 is scheduled in early Feb 2019.
Today I received a note at work that made me smile. It was unexpected, and it made my day. The note was from our IT HR Director:
As we get close to the Thanksgiving holiday, I am taking a pause to share what I'm thankful for this year.
One of the things I am most thankful for was the opportunity to hear you speak and to meet you on National Coming Out Day. I was moved and inspired by your story and by the strength you showed in sharing it with all of us.
Yes, I work for an awesome company! She also mentioned wanting a one-on-one meeting with me when she visits Colorado early next year. I'm not sure what she wants to talk about, but I am looking forward to her visit.
This is wonderful news Jessica. Could it be your IT HR Director wants to present another spokesperson opportunity?
Hugs,
Donica.
That is what I'm hoping for Donica. I enjoy my job, but I have been doing basically the same thing for over 30 years. What I do helps the company, but I would like to help people. Maybe I can do both. Only about a year ago I was scared to death about coming out, now I feel comfortable telling my story to anyone who shows an interest. Education will help make the world a more accepting place.
Last night I had a poignant reminder of who I used to be. It was painful, and it told me some of the emotional wounds 'he' caused are still raw.
Susan was standing in our basement hallway holding Charles (one of our whippets). I tried to squeeze past and hit my shoulder blade on a doorframe.
Me: Ouch
Susan: I'm sorry, did I make you do that?
Me: Sort of
Susan: I'm sorry, I'll go upstairs
She was close to tears, and her expression was one of profound grief. When I saw her face, I started crying. As I hugged her I said not to worry, it wasn't her fault, then reminded her that I wasn't the person that I used to be. She calmed down quickly, and after a minute or two all was well. I told her I would do my best to make sure that I never cause her to cry again.
Two years ago if this had happened he would have been livid. He would have yelled at her and blamed her for everything wrong in his life. Susan would have gone upstairs to the bedroom and cried for an hour or two, and he wouldn't have cared.
In many ways I am ashamed of who he was. The more I think about my past, the more amazing Susan becomes. I have asked her why she stayed with me, and she said it was because she loves me. I don't understand the depth of a love that could put up with the emotional monster that he used to be. Susan deserves better, and I hope to become the person she deserves.
Jessica, you have come so far!
I think that many of us have those occasional 'flashes' when 'he' returns and we become hurtful to others. It is always something I regret now. I have been working with my therapist to identify the states of mind that lead to one of these 'flashes', and redirect myself away from them.
There are some parts of our minds that are downright sneaky, it seems! With mindfulness and, yes, a little prayer, I hope to never harm others again.
Thank you for sharing this.
Michelle P.
Just to be clear, I did not show any anger last night. Susan's response was based on years of previous experience about how 'he' would react. She was expecting anger because that is how 'he' always responded to similar incidents in the past. I think Susan was surprised when I showed love and compassion instead of the anger she expected.
One of the other issues I have to reconcile it that as bad as 'he' was, his final act was one of ultimate compassion. 'He' ended his existence so that I could come out of the darkness and become who I was meant to be.
Dear Jessica Rose,
Despite your recent posting on Susan's learned response to her expectation of anger, I wanted to tell you that this entire thread is so inspirational to me. Perhaps your honesty with the hard parts is part of what makes it so powerful. I read this whole thread over the last week and look forward to reading more as you share about your life. I am very grateful.
For a variety of reasons, I'd like to write personally, but think I need to wait until I have more posts. :) I'll look forward to that time.
Warm wishes,
rachel
Thank you Rachel. I do try to post everything I go through, the good and the bad. This is not an easy road for anyone, and I don't wan't to sugarcoat any of it. Susan's learned response tells you how long she had been dealing with his anger and rage. I am ashamed of how he used to be. But this also shows that there is hope for all of us, no matter how dark your world has become.
I talked to Susan about that incident the next day, and it actually helped her realize how profoundly this has affected me. I am no longer the person she married, I am a better person, hopefully the person she deserved all of her life.
Our younger daughter Kimberly drove up from college in Socorro, NM yesterday. She is actually the second-tallest person in our family! I let her go through some makeup a friend gave me, mainly nail polish and lip colors, and she picked out several that she liked. I showed Kimberly the red dress I had posted about a week or two ago, and she wanted to see how it looked, so I decided to wear it again today. Even though it was just the three of us for Thanksgiving, it was perfect.
Susan, Jessica, Kimberly
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F2LfD6JP.jpg&hash=4c2ef7988ab75c93a214dc7ee7fa4607eb85d442) (https://imgur.com/2LfD6JP)
That sounds like the visit is going wonderfully! :)
So nice!
Chrissy
What a wonderful way to spend the day. [emoji3]
Liz
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Unfortunately I got some bad news this afternoon. Carl, my brother, had an ambulance ride to the hospital yesterday. It seems his vision is fading, his world is going dark. My dad took Carl a home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner, which did get a smile from him. But he told my dad that he was afraid to go to sleep because it may be a one-way trip. Carl has had a long fight with cancer, but it sounds like the odds of him seeing Christmas are growing slim. I try not to think about it too much, if I do my emotions are going to take over quickly.
So sorry to hear about your brother! Hugs.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 22, 2018, 07:54:04 PM
Unfortunately I got some bad news this afternoon. Carl, my brother, had an ambulance ride to the hospital yesterday. It seems his vision is fading, his world is going dark. My dad took Carl a home-cooked Thanksgiving dinner, which did get a smile from him. But he told my dad that he was afraid to go to sleep because it may be a one-way trip. Carl has had a long fight with cancer, but it sounds like the odds of him seeing Christmas are growing slim. I try not to think about it too much, if I do my emotions are going to take over quickly.
Jessica,
Oh my. I am sorry to hear about your brother's health. I wish him the best.
Hugs.
Chrissy
Oh Jessica, I'm so sorry to hear that your brother Carl is back in the hospital. I'm glad he got a good home cooked Thanksgiving meal. All my prayers and best wishes are with you and your family.
Hugs Jessica!
Donica.
Carl may get out of the hospital soon, but his kidneys have failed. I still don't know the full extent of his condition.
Last Tuesday I put winter tires on our car. I bought a second set of rims a few years ago so I could swap them out whenever I wanted to. I had been keeping the tires in the basement, so the hardest part of swapping them out has always been carrying them up and down the stairs. I mentioned to Susan that I wanted to try clearing a space in the garage so I could store them there. I was surprised when I got home from work on Wednesday. Susan had been working in the garage all day straightening it up! We worked on it a bit more yesterday afternoon, and now the tires have a home in the garage.
We went up to the 16th Street Mall in Denver yesterday morning and visited a Long Tall Sally store! I only found out a few weeks ago that there was one in Denver, unfortunately they are closing all of their stores in January and will only have an online presence after that. I received a nice compliment from a cashier at one of the stores we shopped at. As we were checking out she mentioned that she thought I was a tall, beautiful teenage girl when she first saw me! She may need some corrective lenses, or maybe the lighting was poor, but I'll take it!
124 days until V-Day!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 02, 2018, 10:08:32 AM
Carl may get out of the hospital soon, but his kidneys have failed. I still don't know the full extent of his condition.
...I was a tall, beautiful teenage girl when she first saw me!
Good luck to your brother. Many people live without functioning kidneys; I hope he'll be able to do as well.
Now you don't have to worry about misgendering. You have a misageing (?) problem ;) Are you a cross generationer? You were misgenerationed?
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Still no update on Carl, but no news is good news.
We had a Winter Craft Fair at work on Tuesday. I bought a necklace, a cranberry scented candle, and a few other small items. The best part was a conversation I had with one of the vendors. After asking me to smell one of her handmade soaps she asked "How tall are you?", I told her that I was 6" 1'. She was very petite, and we started talking about clothing sizes. She showed me her shoes -- size 1 1/2, so I showed her my boots -- size 13! I noticed she was really craning her neck to make eye contact so I got down on one knee, then we were eye-to eye. We kept talking for about 15 minutes, and eventually I mentioned my daughters. She said something about me being a mom, then I told her there was something I had to show her -- I pulled out my old driver's license. She couldn't believe it, and in the next few minutes I got four or five hugs from her! Encounters like this really make my day.
On Wednesday Susan told me about something she had been doing that made me smile. She had started writing letters to the publishers of magazines we subscribe to, asking them to change the name on the subscriptions. I had never asked her to do this, she was doing it because she knows how much pain my dead name causes. I'm not sure that I deserve someone like her.
Thursday was another visit to the lightsabre salon. They treated my upper and lower legs along with my stomach. My lower legs and stomach are nearly hair-free now, they plan to spot-treat those areas during future appointments. My upper legs are getting better, but it is still exceptionally painful in a few spots, much worse than upper lip or south pole electrolysis.
Today I received a letter from USAA. This was the third letter I had received regarding the title of my car. USAA had released the lien so I could register the car under my name, but now they are having trouble recording the lien because the name on the loan does not match the name on the title. I called them after the first letter, and sent my own letter in response to their second request. I was expecting something different this time, but sadly I was mistaken. The letter I sent them made no difference. The envelope contained exactly the same 'one and the same' affidavit as before, which requested me to sign using my dead name. I called USAA again.
After explaining my situation to the first representative she said there was nothing they could do. I had to either sign the document or refinance my loan, at more than double my current interest rate. I told her neither of those options worked for me, so I was transferred to another office. I told my story again and received the same options, so I provided the same response. One more transfer, but the third representative was the jackpot.
I explained the situation to 'Lily' and told her how much pain my dead name causes. She understood. It seems her daughter shares an apartment with a transgender man! Lily said that I am the first transgender person their office had encountered with an issue like this. She worked with me for over 30 minutes, and no solution was apparent. However, she agreed that I could not sign the document using my dead name since that was no longer my legal name! Score! She created a 'work item' explaining the situation, which will be reviewed by their legal folks so they can come up with a way to deal with this situation. Lily also noted that they should stop sending me letters and documents with my dead name. I told her that she had made my day, and I thanked her profusely. Lily even gave me her extension in case I needed to contact her again. I am hopeful this has put the issue on a path to resolution.
Hi Jessica rose
I have finally caught up with your thread. Firstly I hope your brother is doing Okay again but from your description it sounds like a tough battle.
What a thoughtful, kind thing for Susan to do about your name change...wonderfull. I think she might love you a bit [emoji3]
This whole name change can be a right royal pain and end up in in catch 22. Frustration is par for the course...It is fantastic to see you sounding so positive....and whats that I see at the bottom of your post...a count down....yahooo for you
take care
Liz
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Thanks Liz. My 'Time since starting HRT' ticker wasn't really that useful anymore, and a countdown is more appropriate. Now I'm heading towards that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! I realize that won't be the end of anything, just the beginning of a new chapter in my journey.
Although your new chapter got off to a rough start, it sounds like the skies have cleared and hopefully it will be smooth sailing for you now. As always, I wish you the best of everything Liz.
Yes the dreaded name change game, have been trying to kill my old email that has my dead name. Trouble is its linked to some forums and finding it hard if not impossible to do.
Hi Jessica!
Yes, this name change thing can be challenging at times. You would think this wouldn't be such a problem as many people change their names. I have sent 3 request to my auto insurance Co to change my name on my account but haven't heard back yet. I'm still waiting for my new Medicare card so I can change my medical insurance and prescriptions. Everything else flew right through but these last 2 things are just ugh!!
Carl is back at the nursing home, but he may never be able to return home. I remain hopeful.
I got a call from USAA on Monday afternoon, and twice the representative (not Lily) mentioned my dead name. After the second incident I asked her to please stop using that name, and I explained 'deadnaming' and why it was so painful. Later that day I went to my electrolysis appointment, and by the time I arrived my anger had grown to the point I couldn't contain it any longer. Only my electrologist (CJ) was there, so I found a nice sturdy wall and threw my forearm into it as hard as I could. Luckily the wall held. I sat down with CJ, and she comforted me for 10 - 15 minutes. I was crying because of the pain from my past and my shame at not being able to control my anger. Once I calmed down we started my session, and I fell asleep while she was working on my face.
Yesterday Susan took down two plaques in my office that had my dead name, she replaced them with signs containing inspirational sayings, like 'The best thing to hold on to is each other.' Yes, I am lucky to have her in my life.
Today the same USAA representative from Monday called. I asked her if they had ever received training about dealing with transgender members, and she said 'no'. She mentioned she had worked in that office for over 12 years and had never knowingly dealt with a transgender member. I told her how angry the deadnaming had made me, but then I said I couldn't be upset with her because she had no idea about the pain deadnaming could cause. I told her that I would be happy to educate them if they had any questions.
After work I had another electrolysis session for a 'south pole' clearing. We are making good progress, and it is slowly becoming less painful.
I also had a nice surprise when I got home. In addition to some chocolate chip and oatmeal scotchie cookies Susan baked, my Blondo winter boots arrived! Blondo sizing runs small, I had to order size 14! They do fit, and hopefully they will help keep my feet warm.
Deadnaming sucks and I hate it...unfortunately its one of those things that is really hard to prepare yourself for as it usually happens when you least expect it...I got an email out of the blue yesterday addressed to my old name...some advertising...I went to the site and stopped my account and subscriptions
Your loverly partner has your back and so does your electrologist...which is soooo good!
I hope you are feeling better
Take care
Liz
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
HI Jessica,
I am happy you are using Dr. Ley! She has been amazing with GCS, Stage 2 and BA! She called just today to see how I was and came to the Hospital on numerous occasions during the GCS procedure. I am so please she will be holding clinic's in Portland, so much nicer for a 6 hour round trip drive and not a flight!
Take care
-M
Margarine, thanks for letting me know about your positive experience with Dr. Ley. I know two other women who went to her, and they were also very happy with the results. Although a surgeon at Denver Health recently started performing GCS after some training from Dr. Bowers, I would much rather go to someone with more experience. Now knowing three women who are happy with Dr. Ley gives me even more confidence. She is a 12hr drive from my house, but I know it will be one of the best rides I ever take!
I don't understand how this happens. Yesterday one of our managers from Cleveland came to meet a potential employee. He had never met me before, but he knew I was transgender. I showed him around the building and we talked for about 30 minutes. About two hours later he brought the potential employee up to talk, and the manager introduced me using the wrong pronoun! He quickly corrected himself, and I talked with the potential employee for about 20 minutes. The manager apologized to me later. I told him that I knew it was a simple mistake and that he meant no harm, but that didn't make it any less painful. When he had some time I joined him in a guest office and told him my entire story, as much as I could cover in an hour or so. He said that he was glad he had met me, and that he learned a lot from our discussion.
How can someone who had never met me before, who only knows me as Jessica, introduce me with the wrong pronoun? When I look in the mirror I don't see 'him' anymore, I only see Jessica Rose. Am I deluding myself? Is it that obvious I used to present myself as a different gender?
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 15, 2018, 02:45:56 PM
I don't understand how this happens. Yesterday one of our managers from Cleveland came to meet a potential employee. He had never met me before, but he knew I was transgender. I showed him around the building and we talked for about 30 minutes. About two hours later he brought the potential employee up to talk, and the manager introduced me using the wrong pronoun! He quickly corrected himself, and I talked with the potential employee for about 20 minutes. The manager apologized to me later. I told him that I knew it was a simple mistake and that he meant no harm, but that didn't make it any less painful. When he had some time I joined him in a guest office and told him my entire story, as much as I could cover in an hour or so. He said that he was glad he had met me, and that he learned a lot from our discussion.
How can someone who had never met me before, who only knows me as Jessica, introduce me with the wrong pronoun? When I look in the mirror I don't see 'him' anymore, I only see Jessica Rose. Am I deluding myself? Is it that obvious I used to present myself as a different gender?
I would guess that he heard about you before he met you. Maybe you could have asked him when you were discussing your story.
I think this is one of those "elephant in the room" things. Despite never knowing you as anyone but Jessica, he had heard about it, and it was circulating in his mind. I did this to a transgender friend once, and likewise apologized immediately (I had never known her as anybody but "her"). How did I, a "fellow traveler" do this? The subconscious can be an insidious force...
Quote from: RandyL on December 15, 2018, 03:17:30 PM
I think this is one of those "elephant in the room" things. Despite never knowing you as anyone but Jessica, he had heard about it, and it was circulating in his mind. I did this to a transgender friend once, and likewise apologized immediately (I had never known her as anybody but "her"). How did I, a "fellow traveler" do this? The subconscious can be an insidious force...
Yes, exactly. I am part of a church group that has never known me as anyone but ME. I moved as part of going full-time, and have established myself in this community.
Despite never having seen me or knowing my old name, appearance, or anything about my past, once even fully accepting folks learn I am trans, they start misgendering me. Much of this is that subconscious knowledge that the person they are facing was once a different gender.
I have also found some other quirks, where people misunderstood what 'transgender' means. I have had folks who thought I was a drag performer, a guy who enjoyed cross-dressing, and a lovely confused older gal who thought I was transitioning to become a man. Education is important.
Hi Jessica-Rose
This kind of misgendering is always the most painful...the physio who got me out of bed day 2 after GCS at Knox hospital came out of my room and turned to my wife and said "He" is all set to go now...she glared at the woman and pointedly said you mean "she"...oh yes sorry she replied "she".
I read Michelles comments and remember the posts she made about this at the time and have thought about it for a long time...why?...I agree you both are easily identifiable as a women. I have seen and met women who more masculine looking that I am...but even still, they do not get misgendered as a matter of course....
My thinking goes something like this...
You look like a woman, sound like a woman, move like a woman, interact like a woman, wear female clothes jewellery, perfume and makeup...you have no beard or excessive hair....Hmmm but yet a newly met colleague misgenders you?? On basis of what they may have "heard"
Is it that people will believe the misinformation before the correct information especially if it works with their own(undeclared) internal transphobia...I am not saying these people are bad or deliberately set out to denigrate you...they have been bombarded with the same messages for years.
When you look at all the messages within our society about trans women and the derogatory things that are alleged, implied and eventually said out loud, the messaging is constant.
I turn on the TV and so many programs will make derogatory jokes regarding trans people or maybe its a drama featuring a trans character played my an"cis person" The messaging is always the same..."trans women are not women" being "trans" is a lifestyle choice...many times this is dressed up in different language but the meaning is the same. You then have this same misinformation repeated in various ways reinforcing this bigotry so when they come across a trans woman their bigotry is triggered no matter how hard they may try.
I don't know if I am even close to the mark here and it is something I am still trying to wrap my head around but its my "best guess" so far. I can't seem to make
Just a few of my thoughts
Liz
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What Liz says undoubtedly applies in some cases, and I'm sorry you've had to endure misgendering. I'm sure it's painful (as NB/gender-fluid myself I have a different experience).
That said, we are all, and I mean ALL, conditioned to gender everybody we meet. This is especially difficult when applied to NB people who don't even want to use gendered pronouns of either type. I remember meeting a person "Pat" at work and it took a number of meetings before I could decide she was a cis woman. It made me, and I know others, uncomfortable for a time.
But from observing my own experience of meeting trans people, I immediately "classify" them as their presenting gender and it sticks -- I don't usually even notice the other gender's characteristics any more. But if somebody learns, or clocks, that you are trans, they may flip the switch in their mind. This would be more common with non-allies, but could occur with anyone. Even with a fellow trans person, the switch might flip momentarily and lead to an accidental misgendering, as I did to a friend. This might be due to prior-gender characteristics temporarily coming to the fore (take a look at me without a wig or a hat lol).
Great discussion, thanks.
Randy
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I had something quite affirming happen today. We went to the Ross store where my new friend Deva works and I found a few items to try on. As I was heading into the dressing room another woman came out and asked me to help her with the zipper on a dress. I made sure the zipper was up all the way and fastened the button for her. I then followed her back into the dressing rooms and helped her unzip also. No strange looks, only some nice conversation and a 'thanks' when we were done. I tried on the clothes I was considering, and as I left the dressing room Deva was smiling. She said I did that perfectly. That made me forget the troubles I had earlier in the week.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 16, 2018, 06:38:32 PM
I had something quite affirming happen today. We went to the Ross store where my new friend Deva works and I found a few items to try on. As I was heading into the dressing room another woman came out and asked me to help her with the zipper on a dress. I made sure the zipper was up all the way and fastened the button for her. I then followed her back into the dressing rooms and helped her unzip also. No strange looks, only some nice conversation and a 'thanks' when we were done. I tried on the clothes I was considering, and as I left the dressing room Deva was smiling. She said I did that perfectly. That made me forget the troubles I had earlier in the week.
That sounds positive!
Chrissy
Today was awesome! I got a call from USAA. They have given up trying to put the lien back on my car title, and I will not receive any more calls or letters on the subject!
My afternoon electrolysis appointment went well. I had not shaved since last Thursday morning, and although I could feel a few hairs I couldn't see them. CJ (my electrologist) cleared my face and neck, then worked on my chest. She said that unless the dark facial hairs come back strong after my recent laser treatment, I could probably stop shaving! It is too early to celebrate a total victory, but at least the grey hairs are now under control. January 31 will mark two years since I first visited CJ and began seeing her 2 - 3 hours each week.
CJ also gave my me a few gifts to take home. One would have been difficult to wrap, an orchid for Susan, and the other was a small box for me. I should have opened the box before I left. When I got home and unwrapped it, her gift brought tears to my eyes. I discovered I was holding a box from Kay Jewelers. Inside was a beautiful silver necklace. No one had ever given me something like that before... now I'm crying again.
CJ and her husband are truly wonderful people, and I realize how lucky I am to have found them. I honestly don't know how far I would have made it without their advice, comfort, and kindness. I will never be able to thank them for all they have done.
I visited CJ again today. She did another 'south pole' clearing and worked on my chest hair. My last shave was Thursday morning (13 December). Except for a few hairs on my chin, my face is still smooth. I won't see CJ again until 27 December, so I will probably shave again soon. It certainly is a good sign.
Something new happened today. In the past my 'equipment' had never been a source of dysphoria. Up until about two years ago I was happy to have it, although I had always yearned to trade it in for a different model. Today, suddenly I don't like what I see. My mind tells me that it shouldn't be there, and now it really bothers me. Only 108 days to go, but it feels like an eternity.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 18, 2018, 09:51:54 PM
.......
Something new happened today. In the past my 'equipment' had never been a source of dysphoria. Up until about two years ago I was happy to have it, although I had always yearned to trade it in for a different model. Today, suddenly I don't like what I see. My mind tells me that it shouldn't be there, and now it really bothers me. Only 108 days to go, but it feels like an eternity.
I can relate with what you are saying as for me GCS was never a possibility for me so as I was "stuck". My genitals were my genitals...I didn't "hate" them they were what they were...I was totally indifferent to them however when I realised what was driving a large percentage of my GD....I then knew I had a chance of pushing it out of my life permanently and after all the havoc it wreaked on me over the years and those I love. It was not a difficult decision once I understood how it all fit together.
Congratulations on gaining that insight....108 days will go in a heart beat and then I hope you feel the relief and deep satisfaction of knowing that everything is now how it should be [emoji3]
Take care
Liz
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Thanks Liz. I hope your recovery is still going well.
Well it's official. The first co-worker I came out to, who I initially thought was my best friend, is definitely off my Christmas card list. I had not talked to her about personal issues ever since she questioned my decision to come out at work last February. I tried to talk to her again today, and I think I figured out what is happening. She is a good listener, but she doesn't hear anything. She thinks she is an expert because she once worked with another transgender person. She has no idea of the pain we experience. She doesn't understand why misgendering and deadnaming are so painful to us. She doesn't get upset when someone misgenders her, so it shouldn't bother me either. She thinks I am oversensitive. Today I learned my lesson, and I will not attempt to discuss anything personal with her again.
I'll just read this note from
@Steph2.0 again so my smile will return...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232764.msg2206331.html#msg2206331
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:I am so sorry that you went through that bad and unhappy experience with your co-worker.
When encountering those people that do not accept your life-changing decision and your transition plans I have always found it best to not enter into a discussion or debate with them, particularly when that person is adamant about their opinions and even harbors a hostile attitude.
It is just about certain you will never be able to change their mind about their views and certainly they won't be successful in changing your mind about your viewpoint.... so a further discussion is futile and will only inflame the situation....
Bite your tongue and don't say anything argumentative or unsavory,
take the high road and just walk away, head held high.
I trust that you can just move on, don't get overly involved in conversation with her again, and just continue in your successful journey.
Hugs and more hugs,
DanielleQuote from: Jessica_Rose on December 19, 2018, 04:17:47 PM
Thanks Liz. I hope your recovery is still going well.
Well it's official. The first co-worker I came out to, who I initially thought was my best friend, is definitely off my Christmas card list. I had not talked to her about personal issues ever since she questioned my decision to come out at work last February. I tried to talk to her again today, and I think I figured out what is happening. She is a good listener, but she doesn't hear anything. She thinks she is an expert because she once worked with another transgender person. She has no idea of the pain we experience. She doesn't understand why misgendering and deadnaming are so painful to us. She doesn't get upset when someone misgenders her, so it shouldn't bother me either. She thinks I am oversensitive. Today I learned my lesson, and I will not attempt to discuss anything personal with her again.
I'll just read this note from @Steph2.0 again so my smile will return...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232764.msg2206331.html#msg2206331
Thanks Danielle. When it became obvious she wasn't listening, I told her that there was no reason to continue the conversation because there is no way she could ever truly understand the pain in our lives. My 'friend' is moving to another workgroup soon and will be physically moving to another desk, so I probably won't see her very often anymore. I will remain civil with her and engage in small talk on occasion, but certainly nothing personal.
Yesterday I made a comment to Susan (my wife) about our friends. Specifically about how many new and wonderful friends we have made since starting this journey. In many cases they are people we never would have met otherwise. Some are new friends we have made on Susan's Place, while others we met because I have become so much more outgoing. It is so much easier to speak from your heart when you are not hiding part of your soul.
I may well have 'lost' a few people which I had considered friends at one time, they have just slowly faded out of my life, but the losses are far outweighed by the new friends we have made. In most cases we have a much deeper and richer relationship with our new friends, possibly because I am simply a much happier person who has stopped hiding the most beautiful part of myself. In fact,
@Steph2.0 now considers us part of her family, something no one else has ever said to us. Transitioning has affected my life in more ways than I had expected. It opened up a new world of friendships and family, I just had to open my eyes to see the possibilities.
Jessica, I had the same type of experience with who I thought was my best friend. She too seemed very supportive, but alas was just a listener that didn't hear. Instead of understanding my pain, she turned the situation to be all about her. Unfortunately this has put a crimp on the friendship between her and my wife also.
Sad for that.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 19, 2018, 04:17:47 PM
Thanks Liz. I hope your recovery is still going well.
Well it's official. The first co-worker I came out to, who I initially thought was my best friend, is definitely off my Christmas card list. I had not talked to her about personal issues ever since she questioned my decision to come out at work last February. I tried to talk to her again today, and I think I figured out what is happening. She is a good listener, but she doesn't hear anything. She thinks she is an expert because she once worked with another transgender person. She has no idea of the pain we experience. She doesn't understand why misgendering and deadnaming are so painful to us. She doesn't get upset when someone misgenders her, so it shouldn't bother me either. She thinks I am oversensitive. Today I learned my lesson, and I will not attempt to discuss anything personal with her again.
I'll just read this note from @Steph2.0 again so my smile will return...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232764.msg2206331.html#msg2206331
Both of our daughters are home. The last time they were both here was when I came out to them the day after Christmas last year. This will be my first Christmas, and our first as a decidedly non-traditional family. We are enjoying each others company. We are all happy, except for maybe Kimberly, she recently broke up with her boyfriend.
I made a quick run to the grocery store last night for eggnog and broccoli. The eggnog was for Susan, and the broccoli for Emily. While leaving the store a lady said 'Excuse me ma'am, how tall are you?' We talked for a few minutes, then went our separate ways. She has no idea that our brief conversation made my day. I do like what I see in the mirror, but sometimes I am still surprised to be treated as any other woman.
I also wanted to mention a post I made last Saturday morning. I made a similar post last year and it got a fair amount of attention. So far no one has made a single comment. I don't know why this year is so different from last year, but my post was about something that affects all of us. Here is the link:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,243494.msg2207451.html#msg2207451
Susan and I hope you and all of your loved ones have a Merry Christmas!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 24, 2018, 04:40:33 PM
Susan and I hope you and all of your loved ones have a Merry Christmas!
Though I had the best of intentions, once again I am remiss in sending cards again this year. So this will have to do:
Merry Christmas, Jessica Rose, to both you and Susan.
Stephanie
You are forgiven Stephanie. After all, you have been just a bit busier than usual lately! I am glad your trip to Spain went so well, and that you are pleased with the work you had done. Maybe working on cards together is a new tradition you and your BFF can take up next year! Both of us still have a long road ahead, but at least we know where the road leads in the short term, and who we will be sharing the journey with.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
The house is quiet. It's cold outside, but our house is full of warmth. My wife and daughters are asleep. The lights on the tree are twinkling, illuminating the gifts below. The scent of turkey slowly filling our home. Soon my family will awake and we will celebrate the day. It's Christmas, Jessica's first Christmas.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Merry Christmas Jessica.
Chrissy
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 25, 2018, 05:57:18 AM
The house is quiet. It's cold outside, but our house is full of warmth. My wife and daughters are asleep. The lights on the tree are twinkling, illuminating the gifts below. The scent of turkey slowly filling our home. Soon my family will awake and we will celebrate the day. It's Christmas, Jessica's first Christmas.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Have a wonderful first Christmas Jessica.
Merry Christmas Jessica and Susan!!!
All the gifts are open, and everyone is happy. My favorite gift was from my parents. It was a simple acrylic necklace, but it was the inscription that made it special. The first word brought tears to my eyes:
Daughter
You are
strength and courage
and a thousand miracles
a day.
You are
endlessly amazing
and unbelievably
loved.
Dang, I'm crying again...
These are the new ornaments I mentioned on an earlier post, along with a photo of my family (left to right: Emily, Kimberly, Jessica, Susan)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fqq0jIo1.jpg&hash=4e43a5c92dc10698cf6c7a0ef4f5b7d0aa539f65) (https://imgur.com/qq0jIo1)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FxsmWqig.jpg&hash=74c66318984a6e63d486961bc5e6906a774a2825) (https://imgur.com/xsmWqig)
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 25, 2018, 12:52:53 PM
All the gifts are open, and everyone is happy. My favorite gift was from my parents. It was a simple acrylic necklace, but it was the inscription that made it special. The first word brought tears to my eyes:
Daughter
You are
strength and courage
and a thousand miracles
a day.
You are
endlessly amazing
and unbelievably
loved.
Dang, I'm crying again...
Very nice indeed. Crying is good!
So very heart felt. Your parents and family are very special.
Hugs Jessica!
The necklace story gets even better, my dad picked it out! He was the one member of my family who I was certain would reject me. My fear of his reaction kept me from coming out years earlier. I have no other explanation for it -- miracles do happen. I still cry whenever I look at it, it is priceless to me.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 25, 2018, 05:42:43 PM
The necklace story gets even better, my dad picked it out! He was the one member of my family who I was certain would reject me. My fear of his reaction kept me from coming out years earlier. I have no other explanation for it -- miracles do happen. I still cry whenever I look at it, it is priceless to me.
I'm so happy for you, Ms. Jessica Rose. The emotion is inducing tears all the way to Florida.
Stephanie
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 25, 2018, 05:42:43 PM
The necklace story gets even better, my dad picked it out! He was the one member of my family who I was certain would reject me. My fear of his reaction kept me from coming out years earlier. I have no other explanation for it -- miracles do happen. I still cry whenever I look at it, it is priceless to me.
Wow! That is pretty amazing, and yes, makes that necklace incredibly special.
I never had the chance to come out to my parents. I think my Mom would have accepted me (I think she had suspected for a very long time), but Dad... I just don't know. There were some other folks who were very special in my life, and who I never expected to accept me. They gave me a little necklace when I was just starting full-time life as myself, that read "She believed she could, so she did." That is still very special to me.
Sometimes we find acceptance where and when we least expect it.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 25, 2018, 12:52:53 PM
All the gifts are open, and everyone is happy. My favorite gift was from my parents. It was a simple acrylic necklace, but it was the inscription that made it special. The first word brought tears to my eyes:
Daughter
You are
strength and courage
and a thousand miracles
a day.
You are
endlessly amazing
and unbelievably
loved.
Dang, I'm crying again...
These are the new ornaments I mentioned on an earlier post, along with a photo of my family (left to right: Emily, Kimberly, Jessica, Susan)
Jessica that is a lovely real life story of love and acceptance.... thank you for sharing that with us
Merry Christmas
Liz
Emily's boyfriend came to visit yesterday. Emily lives in Wisconsin, but Adam lives in Denver. Needless to say they don't get to see each other often. Adam had not seen me since I had transitioned, and Emily mentioned that he was having a hard time reconciling my transition with his religion. Adam said that I am the first transgender person he has ever knowingly met. It wasn't planned, but I talked to Adam privately for about two hours last night. I showed him my coming out video, told him even more of my story, and answered his questions. I think it cleared up much of the misinformation and many of the misconceptions he had. At he end of our conversation, he decided that I was not the monster his Mom made me out to be. He has accepted me, and I think we will have a good relationship. That was actually quite important, because he plans to become my son-in-law within the next year or two!
One more thought for today... It was two years ago tonight that I discovered who I was. Reading story after story on Susan's Place, continually thinking 'I could have written that!', finally triggered an epiphany. It has been an amazing journey, one which I originally thought would be impossible. But others had done it, so I knew I could do it as well. I have another big step planned this year, then hopefully my life can get back to a new normal. My thanks to everyone who helped me on this journey. Without your help, there is a good chance I would not be alive right now.
I don't know if I was of any help to you Jessica, but I'm proud to know you and I'm glad you are still hear. You have certainly been an inspiration to many of us here. Thank you for sharing your life.
Love,
Donica.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 28, 2018, 09:35:02 PM
One more thought for today... It was two years ago tonight that I discovered who I was. Reading story after story on Susan's Place, continually thinking 'I could have written that!', finally triggered an epiphany. It has been an amazing journey, one which I originally thought would be impossible. But others had done it, so I knew I could do it as well. I have another big step planned this year, then hopefully my life can get back to a new normal. My thanks to everyone who helped me on this journey. Without your help, there is a good chance I would not be alive right now.
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:This last year I have followed your thread with great interest and have felt JOY for you in your successful moments that you share with all of us.
Your pictures have shown us your amazing progress and wonderful results in your transformation journey... truly an inspiration to others that are "watching" and "reading" your story.
I am so very happy that you have been able to formulate an accepting relationship with your wife... achieving acceptance from a spouse or partner can be one of the biggest obstacles in transition.... you can count yourself very fortunate in that regard.
I trust that you and your loved ones had a very
Merry Christmas and now
will have a Happy and Prosperous
NEW YEAR in 2019.
Hugs and continued well wishes...
Danielle
Donica, I read everyone's comments! On occasion someone brings up something I had not thought about, or maybe a different viewpoint. I thank all of you for helping me.
Danielle, seeing your comments on this thread always brightens my day. There are times I wonder if anyone is learning anything from my journal. Sometimes several days pass between comments from other members, but the 'read' counter seems to go up every day, so I will keep it going as long as it appears to be useful.
Last night Susan and I watched 'Different for Girls'. We had never watched a movie about a transgender relationship before. There were several scenes which made us laugh, and a few which were very poignant to me. The final 10 - 15 minutes had an impact. It made me think about the part of me which Susan will be losing, and how I may one day long for the same thing that I am taking away from her. I expect our relationship will continue to change as we navigate this new world.
I am somewhat anxious right now. Our next therapist appointment in on 3 January, and I should find out then when my therapist will send the GCS referral letters to Dr. Ley. She has told me on more than one occasion that she will take care of them, but until that step is complete I can't really make plans. One person holds the key to my future right now, and in two days I will know when she will open the door.
Wishing you both a joyous New Year Jessica and Susan! I hope you both find the strength to continue your journey together. I'm looking forward to following your thread for another wonderful year of happiness and success.
Happy New Year girl!
Donica.
Jessica and Susan,
Happy New Year! :)
Chrissy
I think the same with my posts but as you say the counter climbs, I know I do a lot of lurking. Happy new year dear, may all your wishes come true.XXXXXX
My therapist said she would write the 'first' GCS referral letter on Monday (7 Jan), and she gave me the names of two other therapists she has worked with who could write the 'second' letter. Hopefully I can get in to see them next week!
My therapist has worked with Dr. Ley's office previously, so I should be in good shape.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 03, 2019, 07:32:06 PM
My therapist said she would write the 'first' GCS referral letter on Monday (7 Jan), and she gave me the names of two other therapists she has worked with who could write the 'second' letter. Hopefully I can get in to see them next week!
My therapist has worked with Dr. Ley's office previously, so I should be in good shape.
Good for you. Congratulations.
I heard from one of the therapists who can do the second referral letter, and she said she would set me up for her earliest appointment -- I just don't know when that will be. Hopefully I will find out soon.
Not something you typically hear, but I had fun with my electrologist today. I had another 1.5hr session which I expected would be for south pole and chest work, but the entire session was spent at the south pole. All the big hairs are gone, so she was trying to find the thin, small ones. In order to see things better and improve her access we tried several different positions. She made me promise not to be specific, so I will keep my descriptions a little vague.
The first new position would have been appropriate on gynecological exam table (which I will hopefully become more familiar with).
The next position would have been easier if we had an S&M restraint system with pulleys.
The final position really allowed her to get up close and personal. I can safely say it was a position I never expected to be in, ever, but on a positive note now I know what a pretzel must feel like!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 04, 2019, 06:08:48 PM
... the entire session was spent at the south pole. All the big hairs are gone, so she was trying to find the thin, small ones. In order to see things better and improve her access we tried several different positions. She made me promise not to be specific, so I will keep my descriptions a little vague.
Jessica
I'm wondering how you deal with the pain. I've been going to an electrologist for a few years now getting my ears done then went for my torso and back. I hate body hair. My electrologist will not touch the genital area, but is willing to go as low as I can lower my underwear without "exposure". When down there within a inch or so of the goods, I can only stand it for a few minutes.
The most painful hair my electrologist ever zapped was on my ear. Usually the pain fades in seconds, but this one was still painful five hours later!
For my normal sessions I take ibuprofen about an hour before, but for my south pole sessions I have been cheating a bit. I have some prescription pain killer left over from an abscessed tooth last year and have been taking one of those about an hour before each session. I am almost out now, but I think I can get by without it at this point. It does not seem to be as painful as when I started, maybe I have just gotten used to it. I do have a reasonably high tolerance for pain, and I have been known to fall asleep while she was working on my face and neck.
Most areas around the south pole are not really that painful to me. The worst areas are the tendon on the inside of my thigh, the seam down the middle of my scrotum, and on the shaft. I am having more areas cleared than those required for GCS because like you, I hate body hair.
Initially my electrologist would not work in the netherlands either, but it was because her husband was against it. I met him twice, once before and once after I transitioned. A few weeks after our second meeting he told his wife that she could work on my south pole, and then a few weeks later gave her the OK to work there for anyone who requested it. Luckily Mr. Happy has been behaving, but I expect he doesn't realize what his future holds.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 04, 2019, 08:18:03 PM
The most painful hair my electrologist ever zapped was on my ear. Usually the pain fades in seconds, but this one was still painful five hours later!
For my normal sessions I take ibuprofen about an hour before, but for my south pole sessions I have been cheating a bit. I have some prescription pain killer left over from an abscessed tooth last year and have been taking one of those about an hour before each session. I am almost out now, but I think I can get by without it at this point. It does not seem to be as painful as when I started, maybe I have just gotten used to it. I do have a reasonably high tolerance for pain, and I have been known to fall asleep while she was working on my face and neck.
Most areas around the south pole are not really that painful to me. The worst areas are the tendon on the inside of my thigh, the seam down the middle of my scrotum, and on the shaft. I am having more areas cleared than those required for GCS because like you, I hate body hair.
Initially my electrologist would not work in the netherlands either, but it was because her husband was against it. I met him twice, once before and once after I transitioned. A few weeks after our second meeting he told his wife that she could work on my south pole, and then a few weeks later gave her the OK to work there for anyone who requested it. Luckily Mr. Happy has been behaving, but I expect he doesn't realize what his future holds.
Your last sentence gave me a chuckle.
Yes indeed you must have a high pain threshold. I too have been using left over pain medication from rotator cuff surgery a year and a half ago. But even with that, when she goes south it hurts. And falling asleep, thats never going to happen. I've been going for 2 hour sessions every 6 to 8 weeks. I'm starting to see the end of the road.
Just this year Kaiser changed their policy requiring 1 year RLE before approving hair removal at the south pole. I have about 6 months to go. On top of that, my electrolysis says it may take a year to remove all the hair from the Netherlands. I could do 4 hour session every week and have it done in 6 months but if it's as painful as upper lip hair removal? She's going to have to scrap my off the ceiling, or at least tie me down, give me something to bite down on and a pillow to scream into. Because of that, I don't think I'll have any problems Mr. Happy lol.
My insurance does not cover electrolysis. Luckily the electrologist I found (CJ) only charges $35 per hour (I pay her $40 because I want to). Jan 31 will mark our two year anniversary. Until early August 2018 I had been having one hour sessions twice a week, in August I upped it to three hours each week. When CJ moved her office to be closer to home, which was further from my work, we changed to two 1.5 hour sessions, usually Monday and Tuesday. When I started seeing her she mentioned a plan to retire in about two years, but I told her she could not retire until she was done with me! She has developed some health issues and has stopped taking new clients, but she told me that she will get me to my GCS date. She has become one of my best friends. How can you possibly have secrets from someone who is doing electrolysis at the south pole?!!! Although she has many transgender clients, I will be the first one she has ever taken from pre-HRT through GCS. I honestly don't know how I could have done this without her.
South pole electrolysis is not that bad, except for a few places. The seam down the middle of the scrotum is roughly equivalent to upper lip, but the sensitive area is only about a half inch wide. The shaft is also uncomfortable, but a little less than the seam. Most of the remaining area is not much different from your cheeks from the standpoint of discomfort. The absolute worst pain I have felt with hair removal is laser. There are some areas on the back and sides of my thighs that take my breath away. One of these days I expect to destroy the 'stress balls' they give me during the treatment. Ever get shot with a 'red ryder' BB gun? Most of the laser pulses feel like that, but the sensitive areas are indescribable. Once I counted the laser pulses for one leg, then doubled the number to estimate the count for both -- 2800! Face it, it take a tough man to become a woman.
When put in context, the discomfort of electrolysis is insignificant when compared to the pain we have struggled with all of our lives. I am the first client CJ has ever had 1.5 hour session with. She said she does not understand how I can put up with the pain -- I put up with it because I must. I have a goal, and this is the only way I can reach it. You can do it too.
Jessica,
Does your skin turn red or black after these painful sessions?
Chrissy
Redness is normal for both laser and electrolysis, but the recovery time is not the same.
For laser, the size of the red spots depend on the aperture of the laser. In my case each pulse covers about the area of a nickel. The redness usually fades after 3 - 5 hours. Be careful to avoid sun exposure, exercise, and hot showers for about 48 hours or you can develop 'hyperpigmentation'. Basically the treated areas will turn darker and you will appear to have a spotted suntan, but it takes months for it to fade (the voice of experience).
After over 200 hours of electrolysis I have only had dark spots appear 4 - 5 times. It looks like a small bruise, and it will fade after a few days. You may also notice redness where each hair was treated. It usually fades within an hour or two, but some areas take longer to recover. My chest and south pole usually take 3 - 5 days to fully recover, but there is no lingering pain or discomfort.
Jessica,
Do you use any painkillers just before or during the hair removal process?
Chrissy
Ugh - the fun of electrolysis and laser. I am on it for a little over a year now. First 6 months was only facial laser to remove all dark hair, and since electrolysis to get rid of the white hairs. After 8 months I was brave enough to ask about "down under" and I have done 3 laser session so far.
I am very lucky, so far I am only 20 hours in on my face and I do expect another 10 before it will be maintenance mode. Face will take a backseat in the next couple of months...
Electrolysis below will start next week with multiple sessions per week since I have to be mostly done end of March. Lucky my surgeon only recommends but does not require hair removal, so whatever I cannot get done till then will be taken care of during surgery.
With so many sessions, we become friends. Most of our sessions by now are lovely girl talk, gossiping about her suitors or other topics. She is in business for over 25 years and has also had trans clients before.
For the bottom area I did negotiate a flat fee and for the face I buy blocks of 15 sessions at a reduced price.
You are right Jessica, the pain is short lived and certainly beats the emotional pain of having to shave and have stubbles peaking through makeup at the end of a day.
I do use numbing cream before the sessions to better deal with it, but sometimes even that does not help. She also has a gift for going outside of numbed areas...
Hugs
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 05, 2019, 05:10:44 PM
My insurance does not cover electrolysis. Luckily the electrologist I found (CJ) only charges $35 per hour (I pay her $40 because I want to). Jan 31 will mark our two year anniversary. Until early August 2018 I had been having one hour sessions twice a week, in August I upped it to three hours each week. When CJ moved her office to be closer to home, which was further from my work, we changed to two 1.5 hour sessions, usually Monday and Tuesday. When I started seeing her she mentioned a plan to retire in about two years, but I told her she could not retire until she was done with me! She has developed some health issues and has stopped taking new clients, but she told me that she will get me to my GCS date. She has become one of my best friends. How can you possibly have secrets from someone who is doing electrolysis at the south pole?!!! Although she has many transgender clients, I will be the first one she has ever taken from pre-HRT through GCS. I honestly don't know how I could have done this without her.
South pole electrolysis is not that bad, except for a few places. The seam down the middle of the scrotum is roughly equivalent to upper lip, but the sensitive area is only about a half inch wide. The shaft is also uncomfortable, but a little less than the seam. Most of the remaining area is not much different from your cheeks from the standpoint of discomfort. The absolute worst pain I have felt with hair removal is laser. There are some areas on the back and sides of my thighs that take my breath away. One of these days I expect to destroy the 'stress balls' they give me during the treatment. Ever get shot with a 'red ryder' BB gun? Most of the laser pulses feel like that, but the sensitive areas are indescribable. Once I counted the laser pulses for one leg, then doubled the number to estimate the count for both -- 2800! Face it, it take a tough man to become a woman.
When put in context, the discomfort of electrolysis is insignificant when compared to the pain we have struggled with all of our lives. I am the first client CJ has ever had 1.5 hour session with. She said she does not understand how I can put up with the pain -- I put up with it because I must. I have a goal, and this is the only way I can reach it. You can do it too.
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 05, 2019, 05:37:11 PM
Do you use any painkillers just before or during the hair removal process?
Chrissy
I normally take ibuprofen an hour before either a laser or electrolysis session. The laser folks also gave me a prescription for 'BLT' cream, benzocaine, lidocaine, and tetracaine. I use that prior to facial laser treatments, but it still hurts like hell. I have some Vicodin left over from an abscessed tooth last year, and that helps for south pole electrolysis, but it does nothing to help the discomfort of laser.
Sarah, you were indeed much luckier than I was with facial hair! After about 200 hours of electrolysis my face is now close to 'maintenance mode'. I have not shaved for eight days, and there are only a few visible hairs. I will just use a beard trimmer to keep them short so they can be treated at my next session.
No one knows you like your electrolysis. I use Emla for my face. I got the prescription from my PCP. When I start removal in the Netherlands, I'm going to ask for a prescription for BLT. I usually do two hour sessions, once a week. I want to start doing 4 hours at 2 sessions per week, especially when she starts working on the south pole. I can't imagine doing more than 2 hours at a time because the numbing cream doesn't last that long. I want to be ready for GCS before this December.
That sounds like a good plan Donica! The BLT cream does start to work quickly, although it may take an hour or so to become fully effective. You do get used to the pain, or maybe your nerves just give up trying to tell you that it hurts.
I realize that I had not mentioned my brother lately. Carl is back at the nursing home and seems to be stable, but he has now been diagnosed with Parkinson's in addition to cancer. He also can't get out of bed without assistance. He mentioned to my dad that he feels as though he is slowly slipping away.
Today I attended a women-only concealed carry class. I currently have a permit, but it is in my dead name and I just thought it would be better to start fresh. The class went very well. At one point we were practicing how to grip our firearms, and the instructor made a comment about how long my fingers are. Another time she asked a little more about my background because I seemed more familiar with firearms than everyone else. I did listen to her, and I did learn a few things.
The class included an hour of range time, so I took both my Sig P938 and Springfield XDs 45. Both are small enough for concealed carry, but I had never fired either one. Looking at my targets a few people said I could shoot them both very well. I seemed to be a bit more accurate with the XDs, but the P938 was way more comfortable to fire.
After the class I talked to the instructor a bit, and told her the rest of the story. She mentioned that after the Parkland shooting the range teamed up with some local churches and the LGBT community and provided the class free to about 750 people. They also provided loaner handguns and ammo for training. They offer several other courses, and I may take a few more of them. Like condoms, a girl can't be too careful!
I have to settle for pepper spray and a taser. It's next to impossible to get a carry conceal permit in SoCal. They won't even let us have the more potent and larger cans of pepper spray.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 06, 2019, 03:04:16 PM
That sounds like a good plan Donica! The BLT cream does start to work quickly, although it may take an hour or so to become fully effective. You do get used to the pain, or maybe your nerves just give up trying to tell you that it hurts.
I realize that I had not mentioned my brother lately. Carl is back at the nursing home and seems to be stable, but he has now been diagnosed with Parkinson's in addition to cancer. He also can't get out of bed without assistance. He mentioned to my dad that he feels as though he is slowly slipping away.
Today I attended a women-only concealed carry class. I currently have a permit, but it is in my dead name and I just thought it would be better to start fresh. The class went very well. At one point we were practicing how to grip our firearms, and the instructor made a comment about how long my fingers are. Another time she asked a little more about my background because I seemed more familiar with firearms than everyone else. I did listen to her, and I did learn a few things.
The class included an hour of range time, so I took both my Sig P938 and Springfield XDs 45. Both are small enough for concealed carry, but I had never fired either one. Looking at my targets a few people said I could shoot them both very well. I seemed to be a bit more accurate with the XDs, but the P938 was way more comfortable to fire.
After the class I talked to the instructor a bit, and told her the rest of the story. She mentioned that after the Parkland shooting the range teamed up with some local churches and the LGBT community and provided the class free to about 750 people. They also provided loaner handguns and ammo for training. They offer several other courses, and I may take a few more of them. Like condoms, a girl can't be too careful!
Being trained on weapons you might use and self defense is wise.
Chrissy
My therapist never seems to have any sense of urgency. Despite her promises she did not finish my letter today, I'm hopeful I will get it tomorrow. I wonder if she realizes how much stress and anxiety she is causing!
I now have appointments with two other therapists for the 'second' letter. I know I only need one 'second' letter, but since I don't know if I can truly count on these folks I want to cover my bases. The first appointment in on 15 Jan, and she 'might' be able to have the letter done by early February -- it is due by 7 Feb. The second appointment is on 22 Jan, and she claims the letter will be ready on 24 Jan.
This is really stressing me out!!!
Update (20 minutes after my original post): My therapist just came through!!! I now have my first letter, and she is faxing it to Dr. Ley's office right now. What a difference a few minutes can make in my mood! Now I'm crying tears of joy!!!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 07, 2019, 08:42:05 PM
My therapist never seems to have any sense of urgency. Despite her promises she did not finish my letter today, I'm hopeful I will get it tomorrow. I wonder if she realizes how much stress and anxiety she is causing!
I now have appointments with two other therapists for the 'second' letter. I know I only need one 'second' letter, but since I don't know if I can truly count on these folks I want to cover my bases. The first appointment in on 15 Jan, and she 'might' be able to have the letter done by early February -- it is due by 7 Feb. The second appointment is on 22 Jan, and she claims the letter will be ready on 24 Jan.
This is really stressing me out!!!
Update (20 minutes after my original post): My therapist just came through!!! I now have my first letter, and she is faxing it to Dr. Ley's office right now. What a difference a few minutes can make in my mood! Now I'm crying tears of joy!!!
Jessica Rose,
I am glad that the first letter came through. :)
Chrissy
I am glad you got your first letter. That's a good idea to have multiple options for the second letter.
I know all about the frustration of therapists not having a sense of urgency. The psychiatrist I saw for my second letter took two months to write it, and that was only with me bugging her secretary every two weeks. I hope yours goes better than that!
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 08, 2019, 07:01:06 AM
I am glad you got your first letter. That's a good idea to have multiple options for the second letter.
I know all about the frustration of therapists not having a sense of urgency. The psychiatrist I saw for my second letter took two months to write it, and that was only with me bugging her secretary every two weeks. I hope yours goes better than that!
Isn't it strange that trained therapists seem to be among the professionals most oblivious to the anxiety they're inflicting? Things that make you go "hmmmm."
Stephanie
For sure Stephanie! I don't understand why it has to take so long to write the letters in the first place? I know everyone is very busy but how long are the letters anyway? Are they multi page?
Quote from: Donica on January 08, 2019, 01:09:59 PM
For sure Stephanie! I don't understand why it has to take so long to write the letters in the first place? I know everyone is very busy but how long are the letters anyway? Are they multi page?
I've gotten three different ones so far. One was very personalized and went on for two pages. It was also so darn flattering that I'm tempted to frame it. It was written by the psychiatrist at Mt. Sinai when I went for interviews when I was considering going there for GCS with Dr. Ting. The other two were written by the therapist and doctor at the Clinic in Orlando I had been going to, and were pretty much form letters. Boilerplates like that just need the date and a few other details changed, then an ink signature. They should be in and out in days.
Unfortunately, due to my insurance company's requirement that all letters have to be dated within 90 days of surgery, all those letters are useless to me, and I'll have to get them rewritten by my new therapist and another one also working in his office.
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 08, 2019, 07:41:33 AM
Isn't it strange that trained therapists seem to be among the professionals most oblivious to the anxiety they're inflicting? Things that make you go "hmmmm."
Stephanie
Maybe they want to cause stress so we will book another appointment soon!
I contacted Dr. Ley's office about the timing of the second letter, and they don't allow much flexibility. I have sent notes to three other therapists in my area, and one long distance, to see if any of them can help. I would rather have too many letters than none.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 08, 2019, 06:15:02 PM
Maybe they want to cause stress so we will book another appointment soon!
I contacted Dr. Ley's office about the timing of the second letter, and they don't allow much flexibility. I have sent notes to three other therapists in my area, and one long distance, to see if any of them can help. I would rather have too many letters than none.
@Jessica_Rose Yes indeed, too many letters is much better than none... good luck to you in getting everything in order. The good news is you still have some time for the mail to come through... and of course there is always e-fax available.
.. please keep us all tuned in to your progress with this.
Hugs and wishing you well.
Danielle
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 08, 2019, 06:15:02 PM
Maybe they want to cause stress so we will book another appointment soon!
I contacted Dr. Ley's office about the timing of the second letter, and they don't allow much flexibility. I have sent notes to three other therapists in my area, and one long distance, to see if any of them can help. I would rather have too many letters than none.
Jessica Rose,
Good preparation, contingency plans, and flexibility are traits of a good leader, project manager, and anyone that does not want anything to get in the way of surgery! :)
Chrissy
Jessica,
My therapist hooked me up with a therapist at the gender identity center in Denver which got me a second letter in about a month. Have you tried them yet?
Tia Anne
All of the therapists I have contacted are listed on the Colorado Gender Identity Center website, except the long-distance one. I contacted two of them last week, and sent notes to four more today, including the remote therapist. I have appointments with the two I contacted last week, one claims they can have it done by 24 Jan, and the second now says maybe 1 Feb (originally they said maybe 7 Feb). A third therapist just contacted me, but I don't know if they can meet the deadline. I understand that I really shouldn't be so worried, but having been on this journey for so long and getting so close, any delay is unacceptable. I am trying to do everything I can to ensure a successful outcome, but my current level of stress is nearly overwhelming. I am not angry, sad, or upset, I am simply experiencing an exceptionally high level of anxiety right now. Hugs will be graciously accepted!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 08, 2019, 07:23:00 PM
All of the therapists I have contacted are listed on the Colorado Gender Identity Center website, except the long-distance one. I contacted two of them last week, and sent notes to four more today, including the remote therapist. I have appointments with the two I contacted last week, one claims they can have it done by 24 Jan, and the second now says maybe 1 Feb (originally they said maybe 7 Feb). A third therapist just contacted me, but I don't know if they can meet the deadline. I understand that I really shouldn't be so worried, but having been on this journey for so long and getting so close, any delay is unacceptable. I am trying to do everything I can to ensure a successful outcome, but my current level of stress is nearly overwhelming. I am not angry, sad, or upset, I am simply experiencing an exceptionally high level of anxiety right now. Hugs will be graciously accepted!
(((( H U G ))))
Chrissy
I totally get why this would be stressful! (((((( HUG ))))))
<<<<<<<HUG!>>>>>>>
and
<<<<<<<DARK CHOCOLATE!>>>>>>>
Stephanie
Hugs and Dark Chocolate Jessica.
I won't be thinking about GCS letters until this June as that is my one year RLE anniversary. My current therapist is going to write my first letter and he will refer me to another therapist for my second letter. I'm hoping for early December but it may not happen till 2020 ::).
An interesting note about "cause stress so we will book another appointment soon!", SoCal Kaiser members have been complaining about having to send pictures or another in person visit with (in my case) dermatology to get another referral for more electrolysis time. I was told the same thing however, I called the Kaiser Trans Care services and they sent a new referral in the mail without having to send pictures or having to make another appointment with dermatology. Hummm?
Quote from: Donica on January 09, 2019, 01:56:17 PM
An interesting note about "cause stress so we will book another appointment soon!", SoCal Kaiser members have been complaining about having to send pictures or another in person visit with (in my case) dermatology to get another referral for more electrolysis time. I was told the same thing however, I called the Kaiser Trans Care services and they sent a new referral in the mail without having to send pictures or having to make another appointment with dermatology. Hummm?
Kaiser NW (Oregon) Asked me for lab results showing my testosterone below 100 for 6 months to a year. I did and my referral went in.
Thanks to everyone for the hugs and dark chocolate! I do feel much better today!!!
I contacted another therapist in Denver this morning. We talked on the phone for about 20 minutes, and she seemed to feel my emotions as I told her parts of my story. She had an appointment available in the afternoon, so I went to see her. She was smiling during the entire session, and said she would be happy to write my second letter (she has written them before). We have one more session scheduled for 15 Jan (Tuesday), and she said my second letter would be ready on 17 Jan (Thursday)!!! The remote therapist contacted me today and said she could have a Skype session with me this Friday and get a draft letter to me the same day, with the final letter by 18 Jan. I will keep my appointment with the therapist who promised a second letter on 24 Jan (the appointment is on 22 Jan) for now just in case something happens to therapist #1 and the Skype session falls through.
I just may have this covered, but I won't celebrate until the letters are at Dr. Ley's office.
My session with the therapist in Denver was perfect. She wants me to come in for a follow-up tomorrow (15 Jan) and said she should have the letter done by the end of the week.
I also had a great time with the 'remote' therapist, who is in Spokane, WA. She is usually booked out six weeks in advance, but just had a cancellation when I contacted her. She mentioned she has sent letters to the Meltzer Clinic before, and that my insurance carrier is great to work with. Within an hour of our session on Friday she sent me a draft copy of the letter. I only noted one thing to correct, and about an hour later I received an email with the official copy! She also sent an original to me via snail mail.
Dr. Ley's office now has the first and second referral letters!!! I am going to check with Dr. Ley's office tomorrow to see if they think the letters I provided are sufficient for my insurance. I will not feel comfortable until I know that my insurance carrier has approved the procedure, which may still be several weeks out.
Since I am halfway through the process with the therapist in Denver, I am going to finish it. I figure having three letters can't hurt, as long as they all agree!
I had another electrolysis session this afternoon for my face and neck. There was a lot of 'peach fuzz' left over, so for the first time this year I shaved. Tomorrow afternoon I have another 'south pole' clearing, then more work on chest hair.
For some reason after only seeing 'her' for months, I see 'him' in the mirror today. Now I am trying to work on a software issue with IBM and they just dead-named me. The day is not starting off well...
Congratulations on getting all your letters together. I just got my second one yesterday so I know how it feels. Big step forward for you!
Hope the bottom hair removal was not too painful.
So sorry to hear about him being back. I have the same happening every now and then, over the holidays I only saw him. I am finally back to see seeing Sarah. It comes and goes. It hurts and is disturbing but I have started to accept it since I have learned it is only a phase.
Stay strong, look again in a day or two and I am sure Jessica will be back.
Hugs.
Sarah
I'm sorry you saw "him". Maybe it had to do with shaving yesterday. Habits lead to other habitual behaviors...
You know who you are, however. Take care.
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 15, 2019, 07:22:20 AM
For some reason after only seeing 'her' for months, I see 'him' in the mirror today. Now I am trying to work on a software issue with IBM and they just dead-named me. The day is not starting off well...
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:It has been well over 2 years since I officially and legally changed my name and I still on occasion get important mail, emails and documents addressed to my dead name. While I can expect that the SPAM email and junk mail advertisements will be coming in my dead name for years to come, it is so very discouraging to get the important stuff that should be in the correct name come with the wrong gender and wrong name...... hang in there, it is a work in progress for sure.
As far as seeing "him" the the mirror instead of "her" ..... you are probably the only one seeing "him" .... remember we are our own worst critics. This important thing at this point is that you see "her" more often that you see "him"
Thanks for your posting your updates, your followers are always interested in your transition life events....
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Congratulations on your letters Jessica. I hope everything goes well with your insurance.
I know how it feels to see him in the mirror. With time and HRT, I am beginning to see more of her.
Stay strong girl! Hugs!!!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 14, 2019, 08:29:38 PM
My session with the therapist in Denver was perfect. She wants me to come in for a follow-up tomorrow (15 Jan) and said she should have the letter done by the end of the week.
I also had a great time with the 'remote' therapist, who is in Spokane, WA. She is usually booked out six weeks in advance, but just had a cancellation when I contacted her. She mentioned she has sent letters to the Meltzer Clinic before, and that my insurance carrier is great to work with. Within an hour of our session on Friday she sent me a draft copy of the letter. I only noted one thing to correct, and about an hour later I received an email with the official copy! She also sent an original to me via snail mail.
Dr. Ley's office now has the first and second referral letters!!! I am going to check with Dr. Ley's office tomorrow to see if they think the letters I provided are sufficient for my insurance. I will not feel comfortable until I know that my insurance carrier has approved the procedure, which may still be several weeks out.
Since I am halfway through the process with the therapist in Denver, I am going to finish it. I figure having three letters can't hurt, as long as they all agree!
I had another electrolysis session this afternoon for my face and neck. There was a lot of 'peach fuzz' left over, so for the first time this year I shaved. Tomorrow afternoon I have another 'south pole' clearing, then more work on chest hair.
Jessica Rose,
Yay! :) for all the good news on the letters and therapists involved.
Oh my I still can't even think about the south pole hair stuff for me, but way to go girl on all this progress!
Chrissy
Thanks
@sarah1972 ,
@RandyL ,
@Alaskan Danielle ,
@Donica, and @ChrissyRyan for your words of support. I mentioned to a few other people that mirrors can be evil -- they only let you see what you are looking for. We all have flaws, the trick is to ignore them and concentrate on the beautiful parts instead. There was a post in another thread that triggered it, I began to look for flaws instead of beauty. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard this morning, probably a combination of the post and being dead-named by IBM. This particular ticket was opened before Jessica came to be. Although my IBM account has been updated, and the IBM support folks are aware of my name change, my dead name still appears in places. I commented about their lack of courtesy in the problem ticket, and I received an apology in return. If it happens again I will just close that ticket and open a new version of it, that way it will only be associated with Jessica.
I met with a therapist in Denver this morning, and she asked me a few questions neither of the other therapists had asked. The questions were about topics I had thought about from time to time, so I had at least partial answers for her. In some cases the questions really can't be answered until or unless the situation occurs, but she knows I had thought about those potential issues and not simply ignored them. I should have my third letter by Friday. Based on an email from Dr. Ley's office, the third letter was probably unnecessary.
I asked Dr. Ley's office about the first two letters:
'Based on your experience, do you think the letters are good? In trying to get the second letter quickly I wound up with appointments for three different therapists. If you think the existing letters are fine, then I will cancel my appointments with the other therapists.'
Their response:
I reviewed your letters and they look extremely thorough and well written. This will certainly suffice for our office. Unfortunately, we can't officially approve them with insurance until we hear back directly from the carrier regarding their decision. That being said, I do think it is safe to cancel your other appointments. Both of these therapists are qualified and informed providers so if a carrier comes back with an issue or requests additional information, we can just reach out and ask that they update the letters accordingly. We will submit to your carrier ASAP and we will keep you updated along the way!
Tomorrow I have a medical exam, an EKG, and a mammogram to finish off the requirements. Unless something comes up, everything should be a go for V-Day!!!
I will certainly not miss the 'south pole' electrolysis. Another hour there this afternoon, and all she is finding is one step above peach fuzz. At one point she was inspecting the area intently and said 'It looks really good'. I had to laugh, no one had ever told me that I had a good-looking south pole region before!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 15, 2019, 07:22:20 AM
For some reason after only seeing 'her' for months, I see 'him' in the mirror today. Now I am trying to work on a software issue with IBM and they just dead-named me. The day is not starting off well...
Jessica Rose,
I hope your day got much better!
I am not sure what to do or say about seeing 'him'. Sometimes when you are looking for the smallest flaws or ways to improve, one looks too deeply at the matter at hand.
It is like being a behaving like perfectionist instead of striving simply to do the very best high quality work possible, given the situation at hand. It is like your work must be flawless, or more finely machined to a tighter specification the client just does not need, which requires more expensive tooling.
It is like being really tough on yourself, and for the way you look, it is like seeing flaws that no one else sees.
I want to see that lovely smile on your face! :)
Hugs,
Chrissy
Seems like your day ended on a better note than it started. So happy about for you. I agree, a lot is what we want to see.
Ugh on the South Pole comment. I doubt anyone getting ready for surgery would call it good looking. I am glad you made such progress, I still have many hours ahead of me. Mine today was pointing at a certain region and asking if I had shaved. I just replied: that is what you did last time... she was a bit confused today.
V Day will come soon for you! I keep my fingers crossed that all the remaining prep works out and that the insurance accepts the he letters
Hugs,
Sarah
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 15, 2019, 06:09:39 PM
....... mentioned to a few other people that mirrors can be evil -- they only let you see what you are looking for. We all have flaws, the trick is to ignore them and concentrate on the beautiful parts instead. There was a post in another thread that triggered it, I began to look for flaws instead of beauty. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard this morning, probably a combination of the post and being dead-named by IBM.
......Tomorrow I have a medical exam, an EKG, and a mammogram to finish off the requirements. Unless something comes up, everything should be a go for V-Day!!!
I will certainly not miss the 'south pole' electrolysis. Another hour there this afternoon, and all she is finding is one step above peach fuzz. At one point she was inspecting the area intently and said 'It looks really good'. I had to laugh, no one had ever told me that I had a good-looking south pole region before!
Hi Jessica Rose
You comment on mirror rang a bell with me, I saw my Psychologist for the last time on Monday and her opening question to me was "How are mirrors these days" Which I thought was a really good question because it certainly is an insight into how I was feeling. I understand you relationship with them. At my worst I covered any that I was likly to see myself in....for many years i would simply not look. LOL that seems like an eternity ago
Congrats on finsihing your prep for Vday...seeing the back of the electrologist is such a satisfying and rewarding moment.
Take care
Liz
My checkup and EKG went smoothly, no detrimental health issues other than that dangly birth defect -- its days are numbered (79 and counting)...
The mammogram was a bit more memorable. A young lady named Gloria checked me in, she was awesome! Gloria mentioned that the scan of my drivers license was blurry and she wanted to do a new scan. A few minutes later she mentioned the real reason for a new scan -- their records still had 'his' drivers license. Then she asked what should be on file for 'Sex'? I resisted the urge to say 'yes' and told her it should be 'female'. Apparently it still said 'male', so she gave me a sex change right there in her office!
Next I was taken down the hall to the mammography clinic and was told to put on one of those lovely hospital gowns. While waiting, another lady wearing a similar gown came in and we talked until my turn came up. Once in the exam room the technician asked a few questions:
Donelle: Have you ever had a mammogram before?
Me: No
Donelle: Are you taking hormones?
Me: Yes, estradiol patches.
Donelle: Are you post-menopause?
Me: Um...
Donelle: When was your last period?
Me: I'm transgender.
Donelle then smiled and asked me to please let her know if she happened to say anything offensive, because she is still learning about transgender issues. She also congratulated me on having to courage to transition. We talked for a few more minutes, then came the mammogram. She started with the right breast, which happens to be the smaller one. Into the acrylic vise it went, and the jaws closed tightly. It didn't feel too bad. After crushing my right breast from two different angles we switched to the left one. Not too uncomfor... OWWW! Apparently my left breast is quite a bit more sensitive than the right one. Having it crushed twice was not a pleasant experience, and it still feels sore nearly four hours later.
Even with some freshly squeezed and aching breasts, I was smiling all the way home. It is done. The referral letters have been submitted, the doctor found no health issues to report, the EKG looks good, and the mammogram is over. Unless something unexpected pops up, I should now have a clear path to surgery!!!
Woohoo Jessica! Letters done! yay! Oh yes, the booby squish. ouch! I kept asking my Endo to put if off and off and off because they where still quite tender but after a year HRT she wouldn't put it off any longer. As I recall, they hurt for the rest of the day after that. 79 days will go by fast and then bye-bye dangly defect.
Hugs!
Grrrr. Apparently I have 'extremely dense breast tissue that requires additional imaging for a complete evaluation'. I sent a note to my doctor asking to get this set up as soon as possible. I am not looking forward to another round with the breast crusher, but this needs to get cleared up right away. Just when I thought I could finally relax a little.
Update: I found a little more information, it looks like they want to do an ultrasound. My HRT doctor appears to have put in an order for one, but no one contacted me about it. Hopefully I can get this cleared up tomorrow, but now I probably won't be able to sleep!
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:Congratulations on your welcome to womanhood mammogram experience. It is always an adventure with the techs answering their questions which are clearly intended for cis-females.
My last mammogram I had last year went normally and produced a good report but my previous mammogram a couple years earlier had some unreliable results and my doctor, as your doctor did for you, ordered a further ultra-sound examination... and it turned out that nothing bad was found other than a small benign cyst that required no further action... when I talked to the ultrasound technician I found out that it doesn't usually mean that anything is neccesarily wrong, in some cases they just want to dig a little deeper than the standard mammogram test before they give you a report.
Please try to remain calm... I am rooting for you.
I will be looking for your update report!!!
Please try to not get too worried about it... easy for me to say because my followup ultrasound came out OK.
Hugs, and as always, wishing you well.
Danielle
Ugh - this is always scary.
The tech performing my mammogram earlier this week already gave me a heads up. Especially since it is the first one ever, they have nothing to compare, so there is a bigger chance to be recalled for additional imaging or ultrasounds. Dense breast tissue is no surprise given that they are still growing.
I hope everything works out well for you.
Hugs, Sarah
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 17, 2019, 08:34:09 PM
Grrrr. Apparently I have 'extremely dense breast tissue that requires additional imaging for a complete evaluation'. I sent a note to my doctor asking to get this set up as soon as possible. I am not looking forward to another round with the breast crusher, but this needs to get cleared up right away. Just when I thought I could finally relax a little.
Update: I found a little more information, it looks like they want to do an ultrasound. My HRT doctor appears to have put in an order for one, but no one contacted me about it. Hopefully I can get this cleared up tomorrow, but now I probably won't be able to sleep!
I guess I was lucky in that department. They didn't have to call me back for more imaging. That would have scared the crap out of me.
I called first thing this morning and was able to get an appointment for 1:00pm. The drive to Castle Rock should have taken 30 minutes at most -- except for the blizzard that showed up around 10:00am. I left work at 11:20am, it took me an hour to find an open road out of town. I called and told them that I would be late, but nothing would stop me from getting there. It took driving through a blizzard for 90 minutes, but I made it, and they performed the ultrasound. As I expected they found nothing, just dense tissue (I have always known that I am a bit dense). I talked to the doctor and the ultrasound tech about being transgender, and I told them part of my story. Both of them became tearful.
Right now I am stuck at the hospital. The main road home is a parking lot, something about a 23-vehicle pileup. I may just spend the night at a local hotel. I don't want to take any chances. I expect more issues may arise, but for now my path is clear. My smile has returned, along with some ocular leakage.
Update: The interstate highway from Castle Rock back to Monument (I-25) is closed. The forecast was for up to 2 inches of snow, we got 8. Looks like spending the night in Castle Rock is becoming more and more likely. At least I'm not stuck in Detroit!
My first and only mammogram so far was scheduled by my OB/GYN with a 3D machine. The technician told me that they didn't need to squeeze or clamp so tightly and had fewer false positives. A win/win in my opinion.
Jessica, stay safe on your drive home!
Tia Anne
First, my thanks to
@Alaskan Danielle ,
@sarah1972 ,
@Donica ,
@Anne Blake,
@LizK, and
@ChrissyRyan for their support!
Debi and Tia, I hope the rest of your trip is uneventful. Having a lawnmower suddenly become a hood ornament is not the type of excitement anyone looks forward too!!
I woke up at 4:00am this morning (normal for me). Since breakfast would not be served until 6:00am, I decided to go home. The stars were out, the roads were clear, and there hardly any traffic. It took less than 30 minutes to get home. Susan was still asleep, but I let her know that I was home, and would be happy to make breakfast for her when she gets up. I just finished my breakfast, but soon I will need to clear the snow off our driveway.
My original mammogram was 3D. If a standard mammogram is more painful I will definitely stick with 3D! Apparently there was just one area on the left side of my left breast that they were concerned with. The technician was awesome, the gel they used was warm! After studying the area for about 10 minutes using ultrasound, they declared it 'benign / normal'. I was a little concerned that something would turn up, but I was more concerned that this could delay my GCS date. Seeing the letter from the doctor later that night, and reading 'benign / normal' brought tears to my eyes. I am back on the path, and hopeful that nothing else will get in the way.
Before I left the hospital the doctor mentioned a movie she had seen a few years ago that was awesome, but she couldn't remember the name. After I got dressed and was on the way out, the doctor handed me a note. She had found the name of the movie -- 'The Danish Girl'. The DVD is already on the way.
Jessica,
Over the thirty five years of marriage with Deb I have watched her go through several/many false positives from mammogram tests. It is always a nervous wait until further testing confirms "benign/normal". It seems you have entered into the realm of cis womanhood earlier than expected and for a reason not appreciated by anyone.
Trigger warning for "The Danish girl". It is a very good movie and it tore me up emotionally. I saw it at the theater and while I was far from the only one crying, I was probably weeping the most and the loudest. Just make sure that you have lots of tissues and a strong support around when you watch it.
take care sister,
Tia Anne
I'm glad they didn't find anything Jessica. That would scare the crap out of me.
The Danish Girl. Well you've sparked my interest. Not like I want the emotional tears but I love a good movie. I will watch it. I just watched two very good documentaries. The screaming Queens (Riot at Compton's cafeteria) and Stonewall.
So glad your results turned out to be OK. Being stuck in a snow storm does not sound fun, I am glad you still have been able to find a hotel before driving home....
Hope everything else before your surgery will be smooth sailing!
Hugs,
Sarah
Back in 2007 my family took a road trip to visit relatives in Louisiana for Christmas. We got caught in a whiteout at night in northeast New Mexico. In a rare show of intelligence, 'he' overcame his desire to display 'manliness' and stopped for the night at a rest area - the only one along a roughly 100 mile stretch of road. This was the only time in my life I had to unexpectedly stop and sleep in a car overnight, and I felt as though I had failed my family. Our two whippets curled up on our daughter's laps and they all slept through the night, Susan slept peacefully, and I cranked the engine every 20 - 30 minutes to keep the interior of the car warm. As much as 'he' hated stopping for the night, I now find it to be a pleasant memory.
A week or so ago I got hit by the dysphoria train. Susan asked me what was wrong and I told her that when I looked in the mirror all I could see was 'him'. Susan responded that all she could see was Jessica, which brought tears to my eyes. Later that week I sent her a text:
Me: 'You are amazing. I still don't understand why you stayed with me all of these years. I love you more and more each day.'
Susan: 'I love you, that's why I stayed.'
I lost count of the number of times I was certain that our marriage would not survive. When I reflect on the angry person I used to be, I truly cannot understand why Susan stayed with me. Adding my transition into the mix should have been the last straw. Why Susan stayed simply does not make sense. I hope one day to understand this magical, mystical thing called 'love', because it must be the most powerful binding force in the universe. Now that I think about it, maybe love is just another name for 'the Force'.
Awww, that's sweet! Stories like yours bring happy tears to my eyes.
I, too, am constantly amazed that my wife stayed and now supports me. I was fully prepared for her to leave when I came out to her, but I am so glad she didn't. I find it hard to believe that she found me loveable enough in the before time to want to stick with me. But, when she vowed, "for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer; in sickness and in health", in other words, "no matter what happens", she meant it!
I fully respect those spouses who feel that a transitioned parner is not what they signed up for. But I am so glad that my wife feels that this is exactly what she signed up for. My journey is so much easier and happier with her by my side. And I think that our relationship is stronger for her steadfastness and my being free of dysphoria.
I rejoice whenever i read on these pages how someone's spouse sticks by their partner. :)
That's a wonderful memory. Those moments of adversity are what stick, and you did the right thing back then.
The success of your relationship with Susan displays how you two have, and continue to conquer another type of adversity. While the moments of trial will live as memories, your marriage will never be a memory as long as you both live.
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
It's love Jessica! Love and family. You have both, and you have all of us that love you too. Love gives us strength and strength gives us courage. You, Susan and you family have all of these traits. I know Susan and your family have fond memories that night in that rest stop.
Thank you for sharing such a warm memory with us Jessica!
Hugs girl!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 20, 2019, 08:02:23 AM
A week or so ago I got hit by the dysphoria train. Susan asked me what was wrong and I told her that when I looked in the mirror all I could see was 'him'. Susan responded that all she could see was Jessica, which brought tears to my eyes. Later that week I sent her a text:
Me: 'You are amazing. I still don't understand why you stayed with me all of these years. I love you more and more each day.'
Susan: 'I love you, that's why I stayed.'
I lost count of the number of times I was certain that our marriage would not survive. When I reflect on the angry person I used to be, I truly cannot understand why Susan stayed with me. Adding my transition into the mix should have been the last straw. Why Susan stayed simply does not make sense. I hope one day to understand this magical, mystical thing called 'love', because it must be the most powerful binding force in the universe. Now that I think about it, maybe love is just another name for 'the Force'.
Thanks for sharing a wonderful episode in your life. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful wife.
Yes, Love is very powerful. I truly believe that it is 'the Force'.
Grrrr again. I saw my EKG printout this afternoon. Although my primary care physician reviewed it and said everything was fine, the EKG says 'ABNORMAL'. I realize there are probably 6 billion things which could cause an abnormal EKG and only 10 of those may mean trouble, but now I am concerned. I sent a note to my PCP asking if there was anything on the EKG which could delay my surgery, but I won't get a response until tomorrow at the earliest. So much for a good night's sleep...
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 21, 2019, 07:15:27 PM
Grrrr again. I saw my EKG printout this afternoon. Although my primary care physician reviewed it and said everything was fine, the EKG says 'ABNORMAL'. I realize there are probably 6 billion things which could cause an abnormal EKG and only 10 of those may mean trouble, but now I am concerned. I sent a note to my PCP asking if there was anything on the EKG which could delay my surgery, but I won't get a response until tomorrow at the earliest. So much for a good night's sleep...
I know that feeling, everything that happens feels like one more thing to overcome prior to surgery...for me it was a persistent UTI. I am glad that your PCP said everything is fine but it still hard not too worry. Its just another thing to run around in your head that you don't need. I hope you can get it sorted out quickly and easily.
Take care
Liz
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It's probably nothing Jessica! My health condition requires that I get an EKG every 6 months. Some results are better than others but none have ever been cause for concern. I question the accuracy of EKGs. Well, it satisfies physicians so we get them when asked.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 21, 2019, 07:15:27 PM
Grrrr again. I saw my EKG printout this afternoon. Although my primary care physician reviewed it and said everything was fine, the EKG says 'ABNORMAL'. I realize there are probably 6 billion things which could cause an abnormal EKG and only 10 of those may mean trouble, but now I am concerned. I sent a note to my PCP asking if there was anything on the EKG which could delay my surgery, but I won't get a response until tomorrow at the earliest. So much for a good night's sleep...
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:Not that I possess any kind of professional medical knowledge, but I have had 3 EKG's in the past and two of them have shown the same message on the the printed report...
"Abnormal" ... and ALL of them displayed the message
"low voltage on extremity leads" HMMM, my doctors tell me and assured me that there is no problem... just a peculiarity with the EKG machine.... and this has come from two different clinics, one here in Alaska, and a couple years ago on 2 EKGs in the lower 48.
I trust that your followup report from your doctor that you have requested will have the very same resulting words of "no problem".... you
(and we) are all looking forward to your upcoming surgery date... I sincerely trust all goes OK.
Years later, here I am in very good health and I get excellent reports from my checkups.... so Jessica, please stay calm and think good thoughts about your recent EKG test.
All of us that are regular followers of your thread will be eagerly looking for your update report.
Hugs and continued well wishes...Danielle
We are all wishing for good news for Jessica Rose about this "abnormal" statement on the EKG. :) I hope you hear back yet today.
Chrissy
I still have not heard back from my PCP, but since she originally mentioned that the EKG looked good I sent a copy of the printout to Dr. Ley's office this morning. Hopefully they will let me know if it is acceptable. Now if my PCP would respond to my request for a surgery clearance letter my anxiety level may finally start to drop a bit.
On a separate topic, it sounds like Carl (my brother) may not last much longer. According to my sister-in-law the doctors have decided to stop all chemo and radiation treatments because they will not help his condition. My dad does not think Carl will make it to his next birthday in early April.
Carl is five years older than I am. He tormented me quite a bit while we were growing up, but in my late teens I decided to forget our past. Eventually we became friendly, but it was more like the friendship of two neighbors than two members of the same family. Regardless of our history, it will be a sad day for me when his time comes. Now all we can do is wait...
Jessica Rose,
I hope your brother has many good days to share with family. I know this is a tough time for him and family.
I also hope that you heard good news about the EKG "abnormal status."
You take care.
Hugs,
Chrissy
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 23, 2019, 09:31:17 PM
I still have not heard back from my PCP, but since she originally mentioned that the EKG looked good I sent a copy of the printout to Dr. Ley's office this morning. Hopefully they will let me know if it is acceptable. Now if my PCP would respond to my request for a surgery clearance letter my anxiety level may finally start to drop a bit.
On a separate topic, it sounds like Carl (my brother) may not last much longer. According to my sister-in-law the doctors have decided to stop all chemo and radiation treatments because they will not help his condition. My dad does not think Carl will make it to his next birthday in early April.
Carl is five years older than I am. He tormented me quite a bit while we were growing up, but in my late teens I decided to forget our past. Eventually we became friendly, but it was more like the friendship of two neighbors than two members of the same family. Regardless of our history, it will be a sad day for me when his time comes. Now all we can do is wait...
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:OH, I do indeed hope and trust that you hear from your Primary Care Doctor soon regarding your EKG and planned surgery.... fretting over it and being stressed out is not a healthy personal action but certainly it is very understandable... I have had similar medical situations myself, and my mind just spins thinking of all the various things that could go wrong, or be wrong with me.
It can be absolute torture to wait for followup reports and medical tests and procedures.
Regarding your brother, even when we know that a family member or other loved one will soon succumb to their illness it is still a shock when they finally leave us. Even when the relationship is strained, all of those things are soon forgotten when the inevitable happen.... Blessing and peace to you... with time the sad days will fade as you remember the good things about your brother.
My heart goes out to you and is breaking for you as I am very familiar with what you are going through.
Please keep us all updated regarding your surgery events and also feel very free to vent your grief and sorrow for your brother when the time finally comes. We will always have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on for you.
Thank you for sharing and posting. We are here for you.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle
Today covered a wide range of emotions...
My PCP finally sent the required documents to Dr. Ley's office today, and I received a note from the clinic that they are reviewing them, but they did not initially get the clearance letter (it arrived several hours later). My PCP also sent me a note about the paperwork, but she did not mention the clearance letter. Her note included this comment:
'Good luck with your surgery.'
I was still thinking 'what about the clearance letter?', then it hit me -
'Good luck with your surgery.' My path to become who I was meant to be is clear. As a famous mariner once said, 'Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!' In just 67 days I will begin my new journey!!!
Unfortunately a few hours later I received a note from Carl, which put quite a damper on my joy. He wants us to come down within the next 10 days and pick up some things he wants us to have. It is not a trip that I look forward to, because it means he realizes that his time is short. I told him to set a date, and we will be there.
@Alaskan Danielle , your comment about remembering my brother echoes a handwritten letter I sent to my parents today. In part it says:
I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling, but it will eventually fade. Concentrate on the good Carl has done, and the joy he brought to your lives through the years. He will always be in our memories, which will only become more meaningful and beautiful over time. Stay strong.
Jessica,
Congratulations on getting the clearance letter!
Your letter to your parents is sweet and supportive. You are a good daughter! That is the best we can do: remember why we loved the individual and celebrate their life.
Take care,
Randy
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Short version: My GCS date with Dr. Ley got bumped up a bit. It is now 21 February 2019!!!
Yesterday while I was at my electrolysis appointment Dr. Ley's office called. It seems they had a cancellation. They wanted to know how my electrolysis was coming along, so I put my electrologist (CJ) on the phone. CJ said she thought it was looking good, and she felt that I was ready. I received a confirmation call this morning, instead of 5 April my GCS will now occur on 21 February!!!
I have a lot to do, and not much time. We leave tomorrow to visit Carl in Louisiana, and we will return Monday. I have already submitted 'leave of absence' paperwork to my employer and told my manager and HR about the new date. Next I need to make some hotel reservations, then start ordering the supplies I will need. At least now I don't have two months of waiting and worrying!!! Three weeks, only three more weeks!!! Eeeeek!!!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 30, 2019, 06:01:44 PM
Short version: My GCS date with Dr. Ley got bumped up a bit. It is now 21 February 2019!!!
Yesterday while I was at my electrolysis appointment Dr. Ley's office called. It seems they had a cancellation. They wanted to know how my electrolysis was coming along, so I put my electrologist (CJ) on the phone. CJ said she thought it was looking good, and she felt that I was ready. I received a confirmation call this morning, instead of 5 April my GCS will now occur on 21 February!!!
I have a lot to do, and not much time. We leave tomorrow to visit Carl in Louisiana, and we will return Monday. I have already submitted 'leave of absence' paperwork to my employer and told my manager and HR about the new date. Next I need to make some hotel reservations, then start ordering the supplies I will need. At least now I don't have two months of waiting and worrying!!! Three weeks, only three more weeks!!! Eeeeek!!!
Jessica Rose,
Wow! Great news! :)
Chrissy
Great news Jessica, congratulations! And you will like Scottsdale so much better in February than April.
Take care girlfriend,
Tia & Debi
I think this is one of those squeeeeeee things, isn't it? Exciting!
Randy
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Wow! Congratulations. Your thoroughness in preparation and planning have paid off with a nice surprise.
Squeeeeeeeeee!
Wow, that's an exciting schedule change, Jessica! You'll probably be busy the next three weeks. Remember to breathe!
Thank you so much for posting your journey!!! So insightful and helps me understand my journey. I thought I was the only one feeling the feelings I was having. I am not. People don't understand the nuances of the journey.......electrolysis, dead names, misgendering and passing etc. Again thank you!
Thanks
@Ericalaine . Reading the stories here on Susan's Place helped me discover who I am, and it may well have saved my life. I am glad to know my story may be helping others.
Our trip to Louisiana went smoothly. Susan and I stayed at my parents house. We visited with Carl on both Friday and Saturday, and we picked up the items he wanted us to have. I discovered that Carl is holding a grudge against our older brother, Gene, that I was not aware of, and apparently it runs very deep. They were at least civil with one another when Gene visited Carl on Sunday.
Although I usually enjoy visiting relatives, to be honest I was glad to leave. I quickly grew tired of being dead named and listening to incorrect pronouns time after time. My parents usually got my name right, along with Gene and his family, but Carl did not even try. All of them got the pronouns wrong most of the time. Although unintentional, it is still painful. I don't know what it will take to make them change.
Today was exceptionally busy. We drove from Amarillo, TX back home to Monument, CO. Before we got home we stopped to pick up a new prescription, then made another stop for some groceries. Once home we unloaded the car, then drove to the kennel to get our furry children. Once we got them settled at home, off to my electrolysis session! When we got home I cooked supper, then exercised.
One really important thing did happen today. While at my electrolysis session I got an email from the Meltzer Clinic, my insurance company has approved my surgery!!! Yes, I did a little happy dance! None of my relatives are aware of my plans. If I tell any of them, it will be after it is done.
Although I have already made reservations, I am trying to find a better room rate in Scottsdale, it seems Spring training has more than doubled the usual rates. However, everything is now in place. I just need to get some supplies, arrive safely, follow the pre-op instructions, then take a nap while Dr. Ley and her team perform their magic.
Hopefully within the next few days I will have some time to think about the enormity of the situation. In just 17 days I will finally be me.
Congrats Jessica. All systems are go. It won't be long now.
Facial laser treatment #13 is this afternoon, maybe that will be my lucky number. I have very little grey facial hair left due to electrolysis, but the dark hair has been somewhat resistant to the laser treatments. With GCS in two weeks I can't take ibuprofen, and based on my experience with electrolysis Tylenol is useless for that type of pain. At least I can still use the BLT cream. Next Thursday is another laser treatment for my legs, which in places is even more painful than 'south pole' electrolysis. Last night was my last estradiol patch until after GCS. Although I am really looking forward to the next few weeks, it may well be an extremely uncomfortable time. Only 14 days to go...
The laser was not too bad today, but round #14 is scheduled for mid-April. Laser works great on body hair, but facial hair is another story.
Our LGBT+ ERG (Employee Resource Group) is holding a 'Going There - Trans' discussion while I will be out on my leave of absence. I really wanted to watch, so I checked with my leave specialist and she said that as long as I don't do any work or check emails I may attend. I sent a note to one of the board members, who is a friend, and to make a long story short they have asked if I would be willing to provide an update during the event. Like my NCOD presentation, I know it will be a friendly audience, so I agreed. I'm not quite sure what to tell them, but I'll think of something.
Just yesterday at work someone I had never met stopped me and told me how much she enjoyed my presentation. A year ago I was not yet out and I was frightened about how the world would react. Now my openness has helped others, and it has resulted in many new friends. It has been, and still is, an amazing journey.
Hi Jessica
I just wanted to agree, "It has been, and still is, an amazing journey." for you. And watching you do it with Susan by your side, has been a pleasure for me to see and be a small part of. Thank you for including me in it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Jessica,
You are on a roll! From here on more and more things will be happening *to* you than you being in control. Enjoy the ride, and look forward to coming out the other side.
Hugs, Randy
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Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 30, 2019, 06:01:44 PM
Short version: My GCS date with Dr. Ley got bumped up a bit. It is now 21 February 2019!!!
Yesterday while I was at my electrolysis appointment Dr. Ley's office called. It seems they had a cancellation. They wanted to know how my electrolysis was coming along, so I put my electrologist (CJ) on the phone. CJ said she thought it was looking good, and she felt that I was ready. I received a confirmation call this morning, instead of 5 April my GCS will now occur on 21 February!!!
I have a lot to do, and not much time. We leave tomorrow to visit Carl in Louisiana, and we will return Monday. I have already submitted 'leave of absence' paperwork to my employer and told my manager and HR about the new date. Next I need to make some hotel reservations, then start ordering the supplies I will need. At least now I don't have two months of waiting and worrying!!! Three weeks, only three more weeks!!! Eeeeek!!!
whooo hoooo nearly there
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Quote from: Laurie on February 07, 2019, 10:35:15 PM
Hi Jessica
I just wanted to agree, "It has been, and still is, an amazing journey." for you. And watching you do it with Susan by your side, has been a pleasure for me to see and be a small part of. Thank you for including me in it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thanks Laurie. You have been, and always will be, a part of our life. Love the new hair!
We watched a documentary last night, 'Trans'. It is available on Amazon Prime Video. Susan learned a few things, and the similarities between all of our stories are simply amazing. The film covers several different peoples lives, but the main person in the film is an incredible woman many of us have heard of, and a few have met -- Dr. Christine McGinn! If Dr. Ley had not available, Dr. McGinn would be #1 on my list. I highly recommend watching it.
Great news Jessica! Congratulations on your February 21 GCS date. Kaiser surgeons require HNT in the Netherlands before surgery. I'm going to have to double-time if I want GCS before the end of the year.
Hugs girl!
Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk
Jessica
I'm rooting for you. I don't post much, but I read this thread nearly everyday. Thanks for the updates. And I wish you well going forward.
Today is Susan's birthday!!! Feel free to send
@Susan_Rose a PM wishing her well.
I usually wake up an hour or so before Susan. As I headed downstairs I was still trying to think of something special I could do for her today. When I reached the kitchen I noticed a subtle hint -- a glass of water and my prescription for Viagra! I had some breakfast, 'took' the hint, then went back upstairs. An hour or so later I was back downstairs and made breakfast for Susan.
We did a little shopping (wherever she wanted to go), had lunch at her favorite restaurant (Cheddars), and finally stopped off to buy some fresh flowers. We are back home now, and will enjoy some carrot cake after supper. Susan is in a great mood considering what is coming up soon, and I will do my best to keep her happy.
I started a GCS thread a few days ago, the link is in my signature, but I'll list it here as well...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244488
Jessica,
I'm so excited and happy for you. It won't be long now. Yea!!
Julie
I just received a call from my Dad, Carl is not expected to live much longer. It could be a few hours, or a few days. My Dad has asked me to write an obituary. None of my relatives know about my upcoming surgery. As much as I feel it is my duty to attend his services, I will not let that interfere with my surgery -- my surgery comes first. Some may think that is cold and uncaring, but I said my goodbyes to Carl two weeks ago. Carl is five years older than I, and he was my tormentor while growing up. We were not close, but we are on good terms with one another. I will only tell my relatives about the surgery if it prevents me from attending services for Carl.
You have to do what you need too...Its a tough call but totally yours to make. I never told any of my family or friends about my surgery with the exception of one brother. I certainly understand your wanting to keep it private. It is such a personal thing and I know from my experience that it was certainly important to me to keep it to myself. Sounds like you have made peace with Carl and that is really all that matters. Lets hope that it does not interfere with your surgery and cause you the issue.
Liz
Jessica, I'm sad for your brothers health. If you've said your goodbyes, that is all that Carl needs.
But, today is also a day of love!
Happy Valentines Day! Give Susan a hug for us! 💕💕💕
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Jessica,
Services are not for the person that passed. You said your goodbyes and you do have to carry on with life. There will always be people that want to judge.
Sorry for your loss,
Hugs,
Julie
Thanks
@Jessica and
@Julie -2010 . That does make me feel a little better. Although I will still feel a bit guilty, I did go see him when he asked. Apparently he is now riddled with cancer, and all they can do is try to keep him comfortable.
I'm sure Carl would want you to keep your surgery date. Even though you said you were not very close, you are brother and sister and that you are closer than you may realize. Big Brothers tend to like to keep everyone guessing.
Big hugs to you and yours Jess! Happy Valentines day.
One year ago today I came out at work, and Jessica has never looked back. I was scared, I had no idea how my co-workers would react, but my soul was ready to leave the dark place where she had been imprisoned all of her life. I still find it hard to believe how far I have come. I have a second chance in life, and this time I did not allow others to tell me who I am.
This was the hardest thing I have ever done, and it was also the most rewarding. I still feel anguish over many of the things I did in my past life, even though that wasn't really me. Although slowly fading, those memories will haunt me for the rest of my days. I had been on the road to destruction, now I travel down an unfamiliar, yet joyful path. I survived the darkness, and soon I will be free. In just five days I will be having GCS.
The refrain from "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy sums up how I feel:
"Yes I am wise, but it's wisdom born of pain.
Yes I've paid a price, but look how much I've gained.
If I have to, I can do anything.
I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman."
My family stayed by my side, the people who mattered most in my life accepted me, and I have made many new friends. I am at peace. I could not have done this without the help of my friends here at Susan's Place. I owe you more than I can ever repay. Thank you.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Feb 2017 - March 2018 - Feb 2019
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FIbeNgYl.jpg&hash=d537a32d45acbc6b86d6ef4b3599adebd6680602) (https://imgur.com/IbeNgYl)
Lovely transformation and progress. Hugs
Mariah
Wow Jessica, what a great change! I'll bet your coworkers like you better now. I'd certainly be more comfortable with the woman on the right.
Good luck on your surgery! I'm sure with your positive outlook that it will go well. Sometimes pain is the portal to progress.
I'm so sorry about the impending loss of your brother. You've done what you needed to do for him. Now take care of yourself.
Love Randy
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Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 16, 2019, 07:11:59 AM
One year ago today I came out at work, and Jessica has never looked back. I was scared, I had no idea how my co-workers would react, but my soul was ready to leave the dark place where she had been imprisoned all of her life. I still find it hard to believe how far I have come. I have a second chance in life, and this time I did not allow others to tell me who I am.
This was the hardest thing I have ever done, and it was also the most rewarding. I still feel anguish over many of the things I did in my past life, even though that wasn't really me. Although slowly fading, those memories will haunt me for the rest of my days. I had been on the road to destruction, now I travel down an unfamiliar, yet joyful path. I survived the darkness, and soon I will be free. In just five days I will be having GCS.
The refrain from "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy sums up how I feel:
"Yes I am wise, but it's wisdom born of pain.
Yes I've paid a price, but look how much I've gained.
If I have to, I can do anything.
I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman."
My family stayed by my side, the people who mattered most in my life accepted me, and I have made many new friends. I am at peace. I could not have done this without the help of my friends here at Susan's Place. I owe you more than I can ever repay. Thank you.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Feb 2017 - March 2018 - Feb 2019
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FIbeNgYl.jpg&hash=d537a32d45acbc6b86d6ef4b3599adebd6680602) (https://imgur.com/IbeNgYl)
Right back at you Jessica! Onward through our journey's we go girl. Your GCS is coming up fast. Congratulations and a speedy recovery.
Hugs.
Hi Jessica, 21 February 019
Congratulations, this is your Big Day. I wish you God Speed and God Bless you. Your post of 16 February brought tears of joy, your words and pictures said it all. Looking forward to following you in your path later this year, hopefully in Phoenix and with Dr. Ley.
Best Always, Love
Christine
Woke up about two hours ago. No issues during surgery. All is well!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 21, 2019, 05:24:07 PM
Woke up about two hours ago. No issues during surgery. All is well!
SQUEEE!
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 21, 2019, 05:24:07 PM
Woke up about two hours ago. No issues during surgery. All is well!
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:This is very wonderful news, thank you for posting your update and your good report.
Your 3 pictures that you recently posted are a terrific testimony to not only HRT but also your desire to transform into the beautiful woman that you are. HRT does not do it alone, your efforts are essential and they have paid off big time.
Thank you for sharing with all of your followers, we are you biggest fans and are always rooting for your success.
Heal well and recover in good time.
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle
Woo-hoo!! Congratulations, Jessica!
Congratulations Jessica, now best wishes for your recovery.
Tia Anne & Deb
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 21, 2019, 05:24:07 PM
Woke up about two hours ago. No issues during surgery. All is well!
Jessica, Congratulations!! So happy for you. I'm glad everything went well.
Hugs
Julie
Wow! Nice and fast! And up and posting so quickly! I bet you'll be one of those fast healers.
Now, just follow doctors orders and heal without damage to your better bits.
Congratulations, girl!
Sorry girl!!! I went to a FFluid meeting tonight I just got home and settled in for the night. I hope you will be able to get a good night's sleep dear. Big hugs girl [emoji179]
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Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 21, 2019, 05:24:07 PM
Woke up about two hours ago. No issues during surgery. All is well!
Great to hear you are awake and no problem with the surgery
Congratulations
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Thanks everyone!
I seem to be waking up every hour or so, but all things considered I am feeling great. If you want more details, check the link to my GCS thread in my signature.
Susan has taken my surgery extremely well. She is always at my side when I need help, and she makes sure that I have everything I need. She is out shopping right now, I asked her to be courteous and leave a few things behind for other shoppers! Recovery is still going smoothly. Wednesday is the big day -- packing removal and start of dilation. If all goes well I will be released on Saturday (2 March), and we will begin the drive home on Sunday. I don't return to work until 8 April, and we have a friend taking care of our furry kids, so there is no rush to get home. Hopefully it will only take 2 - 3 days for the 12-13 hour drive, but we will need to watch the weather and road conditions closely.
Things are starting to get back to normal, other than the four-a-day dilations!
Susan caught something, so she volunteered to sleep in a different bedroom last night in an attempt to avoid sharing it with me. So far I am OK, and she seems to be much better already. Susan had some chicken soup for lunch, and I made omelettes for supper.
I had an electrolysis appointment today, my first since GCS. My electrologist had to stay above my shoulders, but unfortunately she found enough hair to keep herself occupied for the 90 minute session. I forgot to take some ibuprofen before the session, but even work on my upper lip didn't bother me. I guess my pain threshold is a bit higher now. I booked another session for next week.
I also played Ms. Plumber today. A faucet in the master bathroom started leaking about a month ago, but it was a very slow drip so we ignored it. Unfortunately the drips become much frequent, to the point it would keep me up at night (well that and the Flomax). I tried to find a new faucet which matched the old one because our master bath has two sinks, but no luck. My solution was to buy a new faucet for the basement bathroom, and move that faucet up to the master bath. Some of you know how fun it can be to change a water faucet -- cramped quarters, poor lighting, sometimes hard to even get one hand in on the action. I managed to install the new faucet in the basement and swap out the one in the master bath without a single cuss word. Unfortunately I over-stressed a few muscles which had not been used in quite a while, so I'm probably going to be a bit sore tomorrow.
Our younger daughter comes home from college on Friday and will stay for a week or so. Although she knows about the GCS, she does not know about the BA. It will be interesting to see if she notices.
Two days ago we received an early morning call. My dad told us that he did not expect my brother to survive the day. Later that night my dad called again, they were able to stabilize my brother for now. I am hoping he can hold on for another week or two so I will have more time to heal before a 2000 mile road trip to attend his memorial. The nurses at the Meltzer Clinic said it would be OK for me to go. I realize that I don't have to attend, but I think it is my duty to do so.
Thanks for the update Jessica. Plumbing problems are frequently a royal pain in the ..... well I'm sure you know. I am glad you got it taken care of though. Are you sure it wasn't a washer or a valve seat?. I'm glad your daughter is coming home to visit you two again. I know your brother is just hanging on and I know how that vigil is to have to endure. It is hard on those that wait, probably harder than is is to the loved one that is slipping away. I've done it a couple times myself. My heart goes out to you, Susan, your dad and the rest of the family. Heal as you need to. I hope you have time to feel well enough to make that trip in relative low discomfort.
My thoughts are with you and Susan.
Hugs,
Laurie
Nice to hear things are progressing nicely for you...four a day Dilations it sounds like a lot of time to yourself LOL. Sorry to hear Susan is under the weather hopefully she will be on the mend soon.
It will be interesting to see if your daughter notices your "growth spurt" ...if she is anything like my daughters they are so busy these days that just finding time to say hello you almost have to book an "appointment" LOL
I detest plumbing issues and understand why plumbers get such good money. I always think its simple to fix most things until I have done it 3 times and am no closer to a long term fix...its then I tend to see the value in them LOL But you sound like you did really well.
Thanks for the update
LizK
@Laurie , it may well just be an o-ring or washer, but I didn't see an easy way into the valve so I decided just to go the replacement route for now. If I feel industrious at some point I may try to take the valve apart and repair it, but at least I won't be forced to listen to a leaky faucet all night long until that day arrives.
I slept really well last night, I only woke up once for a trip to the bathroom. After I went back to sleep I had an interesting dream. For the first time I can remember, in my dream I was a woman. I was kissing and caressing another woman while we were both fully clothed, and I had an orgasm! When I woke up I was in absolutely no pain, all of my discomforts were gone. Although the moment was fleeting and my discomforts soon returned, if that was a glimpse at my future, it is definitely one I am looking forward to!
Oh my stars! Y'all are making me all warm and dewy!
Stephanie
Wow! Yes indeed Jessica. An interesting dream. I think we are all blushing a little. It's good to know everything works. As for the plumbing, I'm too beat-up to hange out under a sink anymore. I just call the manager nowadays.
I dunno, seems like you've been doing a lot with your plumbing lately ;D
Quote from: RandyL on March 08, 2019, 04:35:14 PM
I dunno, seems like you've been doing a lot with your plumbing lately ;D
And with that, @RandyL wins the Internet for today! [emoji1787]
Quote from: RandyL on March 08, 2019, 04:35:14 PM
I dunno, seems like you've been doing a lot with your plumbing lately ;D
I must admit that before I started my plumbing work yesterday I was a bit upset. I tried to collect everything I thought I would need, but I couldn't find my favorite plumbing tool! I searched the house and garage, but it was nowhere to be found. I was upset because I had used that tool for most of my life and had been extremely happy with how it performed. I went to town to find a replacement, but no one seemed to have that particular tool. I wound up finding a tool with a completely different configuration, but everyone said it would perform a similar function. I was initially dubious about the claim, but as it turns out the new tool worked amazingly well -- so well that I have already forgotten about my old tool! The only drawback is that the new tool did not come with any instructions. It may take me a while to learn how to use it properly, but I look forward to learning all I can about it!!!
Susan is still not feeling well, so she continues to sleep in a different bedroom. Although she is feeling a little better, she is hoarse and coughing quite a bit.
Last night as I lay in bed I began caressing my breasts, and tears began to flow. I found myself thinking that this is how I always should have been. Life was cruel to put me through decades of hiding and hell, which also affected my family and others around me. Now I am finally comfortable in my own body, and my life can begin to heal.
Wow Jessica I am incredibly happy for you! Massive hugs, Emma
I had mentioned my brother several times over the last few months. I just learned his long fight with cancer is over. Carl passed away about an hour ago.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 11, 2019, 04:09:46 PM
I had mentioned my brother several times over the last few months. I just learned his long fight with cancer is over. Carl passed away about an hour ago.
My sympathies for your loss. I know you have accepted it and knew it was coming, it doesn't change the realities. I lost a brother and a sister 11 hours apart due to cancer. I still miss them.
I am so sorry to hear that, Jessica. I know it was expected, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Jessica, I too am sorry for your loss. Remember the times of love and understanding, however difficult may have been other times. He was family, and that will always be special.
Love Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Very sorry to hear the sad news Jessica. [emoji22]
Stephanie
Our sympathies are with you Jessica. Yes, you knew it was coming but that does not negate the pain and loss. We are here for you sister.
Tia & Debi
Jessica, please have my condolences. Losing a family member, no matter how expected the loss is, hurts. Hold the best of Carl in memory.
I hope you continue to do well, and Susan recovers quickly from her bug.
With love and respect,
Michelle_P
Sorry for your loss. I know you expected this but I can't imagine it makes it any easier.
I thank everyone for offering their condolences.
My brother's funeral is scheduled for Saturday at 1:00pm. Yesterday I told my parents that Susan and I wanted to attend, but there was no way we could make it. They accepted it and did not ask for details -- they don't know about my surgery.
I am at an odd place right now, and I am not referring to laying in bed with an ice pack on my crotch. Except for the passing of my brother, I should be ecstatically happy. I keep thinking 'what could I have done differently'. I have followed all of the post-op instructions, yet my 'W' stitches failed. I had no idea that the long drive home could cause that to happen. Now I have a large, gaping wound that will take weeks (months?) to heal. I have to look at it every time I dilate, I feel it every time I get out of bed, walking is uncomfortable, and sitting can be painful. Even once healed, I don't know what things will look like, and I doubt that it will be what the surgeon intended. I just don't know what to do.
Jessica, that failure on the bottom of the 'W' stitches is pretty common. I've certainly seen it before! The tisssue cannot be re-stitched, but keeping the area clean, using your antibiotic ointment, will allow it to heal well. The body is amazingly good at this. At the 6 month point you'll have a whitish line there, and at a year even this will be fading. Yes, it will be detectable by someone looking for it, but not terribly obvious.
I had an opening on one leg of the incision. It's a very faint mark 16 months later. I helped one girl who pushed too hard after GCS and ripped open the entire lower 'W' into the abdominal cavity, requiring hospitalization for a month. Five months later it's a narrow whitish strip, largely covered by hair growth. (It looks worse to her than to others, as she knows where to look with a bright light and mirror. Note: Don't let strangers wave bright lights around your uncovered nether regions!)
The human body has an amazing capacity to heal.
I'm so sorry to hear about Carl's passing Jessica. He is in a better place and he's happy now. My deepest condolences.
Yesterday, once our power was restored during the blizzard, I sent some photos of the perineal area for Dr. Ley to review. Apparently she has no concerns and says the healing looks great. Based on my experience it freaks me out! Dr. Ley said she would clean things up when I return for my labiaplasty in late July.
This morning I stepped up to the #2 dilator. I started with #1 for 5 minutes at full depth, moved to the #2 tapered for 5 minutes, then went to #2 at full depth for 15 minutes. It was uncomfortable, but not as bad as the first few dilations after surgery. Since I was able to keep my depth, I skipped the #1 dilator for the next sessions and did not have any issues. It is definitely a tight fit, and I have to remain calm or it becomes a bit painful.
Sound like you are doing great now with your dilating, just don't go so fast you hurt yourself in some way.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 14, 2019, 08:10:45 PM
Yesterday, once our power was restored during the blizzard, I sent some photos of the perineal area for Dr. Ley to review. Apparently she has no concerns and says the healing looks great. Based on my experience it freaks me out! Dr. Ley said she would clean things up when I return for my labiaplasty in late July.
This morning I stepped up to the #2 dilator. I started with #1 for 5 minutes at full depth, moved to the #2 tapered for 5 minutes, then went to #2 at full depth for 15 minutes. It was uncomfortable, but not as bad as the first few dilations after surgery. Since I was able to keep my depth, I skipped the #1 dilator for the next sessions and did not have any issues. It is definitely a tight fit, and I have to remain calm or it becomes a bit painful.
Moving up dilators can be a daunting experience and it sounds like you are doing really well. Trying to keep relaxed can be easier said than done. Congrats on the progress its always nice to get feedback about your healing.
My condolences Jessica. I was saddened to hear of Carl's passing. Knowing that someone is going to pass from this life does not make that passing any easier. You can usually take some solace in knowing that their long struggles are now ended. Though the body has given up, the spirit of the loved one lives on in the hearts of all they touched in life. Good or ill thet live on in memories. Again I am sorry for your loss and sorry for being tardy in expressing my condolences.
Hugs for both you, Susan, and your girls.
Laurie
Thanks Laurie. My parents were surprised at how many people were at the funeral. Carl could be hard to get along with, but he was loyal to his friends. I wish I could have attended the funeral, but my attendance could have been disruptive -- not everyone would have been happy to see me.
I guess I am getting used to dilating now, I fell asleep in the middle of my last session! I also got some good news today, my short term disability was extended through 5 April. This means I will continue getting full pay while recovering and my first day back to work will be 8 April.
Good to hear you are fine until you go back on April. You must be comfortable with dilating to fall a sleep while doing it.
Initially dilating was very uncomfortable. Although not yet pleasurable, it is no longer something I would rather avoid.
I got some great news from Dr. Ley today. I sent in photos of my breasts for review and her response was:
'...purchase an underwire bra, no padding, no push up. Wear the bra on its own during the day and put on the bando with the bra in the evenings for a few hours, for one month. You do not need to sleep with the bando.'
The bando was really uncomfortable, I had been wearing it 24/7 since my surgery. Being able to go without it for most of the day feels awesome! I stopped by Target and tried on some bras this afternoon. I tried 38C and 38D, and the ones which seemed to fit best were 38D! I don't know how much of my bra size is still related to swelling, so I only bought three for now.
I also spoke with a lawyer in Texas who is familiar with the process to change birth certificates. Apparently for the last year or so Texas has been accepting court orders from other states to change the name and gender on birth certificates! The court order must contain very specific language, and the lawyer provided me with the phrases which must be in the court order. Texas also now issues NEW birth certificates, not amended ones. The old birth certificate will become 'sealed' once the new certificate is issued.
Congratulations on it all, Jessica! And the BC thing is wonderful. Hopefully that will protect you in the future if the worst comes to be with HHS's definition of gender. I'm just counting the days until I can get that letter and send the paperwork off to Michigan.
All the best, girlfriend!
Stephanie
Thanks
@Steph2.0 !
I had an appointment with my HRT doctor today. I was hoping to surprise her, but apparently the Meltzer Clinic uses the same software as my HRT doctor and she had seen the updates already! My doctor checked out the work top and bottom and said Dr. Ley did a great job. She thought the breast implant size was perfect for my frame and mentioned that healing down below was going extremely well. The results from my hormone test should be back within a few days. I expect we will need to modify my estradiol regimen now that the evil twins are gone. My doctor told me to set up an appointment with her to remove any remaining stitches after another three or four weeks.
I asked one of the Meltzer Clinic nurses if my current breast size would change as time passes. She said the majority of the swelling is gone and although the shape may change some as they drop into place, the size should not change. On that news I bought a few more bras on the way home from my medical appointment.
Now that pain and discomfort are no longer constant my smile is beginning to return, along with intermittent episodes of joy. I don't know what the future holds, but every day now is a little brighter than the last.
Jessica Rose,
I always wish you the best, and I admire you greatly.
Chrissy
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 20, 2019, 08:35:56 PM
......
Now that pain and discomfort are no longer constant my smile is beginning to return, along with intermittent episodes of joy. I don't know what the future holds, but every day now is a little brighter than the last.
Great to hear you are starting to feel really good and can appreciate all the changes you have been through. Its a bit hard to do when you aren't feeling the best. As the song goes
"Things are going great, and they're only getting better
I'm doing all right, getting good grades
The future's so bright, I gotta wear shadesI gotta wear shades"
Today is my two year HRT anniversary!
When I started this journey I never dreamed I would make it this far this fast. Two years is a long time, but looking back it seems to have passed quickly. It has been an incredible journey. I have made many new friends and even added a few family members -- you know who you are! In just two years I changed my life, I am literally not the same person who started this journey. I am still recovering from surgery, but every day is better than the last, and I find a little more joy each day. My thanks to all of those who have given me advice and support. Not only did you help save my life, you also helped me find peace.
Wow, you have certainly covered a lot of ground in two years! Congratulations on your anniversary!
Look at you now with all your success and milestones...Congratulations :icon_birthday: for your HRT 2 years
Congratulations on two years of HRT Jessica! Yes indeed! Look how far you have come girl.
Hugs.
Thanks
@KathyLauren ,
@LizK , and
@Donica !
This morning I moved up to the #3 dilator (ouch). Even though I started with the tapered #3 it was a bit of a stretch, but amazingly I was able to reach full depth (around 6.25 inches). There was a drop or two of blood from near the opening where I am healing, but it stopped immediately once I removed the dilator. According to my schedule I can now drop down to two dilation sessions each day. Since I am still on a leave of absence I will probably do at least three sessions a day for a week or so until I get used to the #3.
Yesterday I noticed that sitting had finally become comfortable again. The swelling on my labia has also gone down quite a bit, and I no longer have a burning sensation while walking. Susan and I walked around the neighborhood for nearly an hour yesterday. Tonight I may skip the ice pack that I have been sleeping with every night since surgery. I still have stitches around my 'cactoris', and they are quite stubborn. If they hang on for another three weeks my local physician said she would remove them for me.
My breast implants are still a bit high, but they settling into place nicely. The tape over the incisions is hanging on, I was told to let it fall off on its own so I will try to be patient. The implants do come with a standard warranty, but I decided to register for the additional warranty as well. An extra $300 for a 10 year warranty sounds reasonable.
I have spent the last week or so going through my clothes. I am within 5lbs of my pre-surgery weight, but I found quite a few items which no longer fit. I expected some tops and dresses would no longer work out (mainly arm openings which are now too small), but I also found some skirts which don't fit either. It seems my hips are about an inch wider than they used to be. Susan quickly raided my discard pile and picked out some clothes which fit her. The rest will go to my electrologist this afternoon, she passes them around to other transgender clients.
This morning the most annoying suture of all finally came out. It was dead center on my clitoris and seemed to snag on everything! Hopefully that is a sign the remaining sutures will be coming out soon. The large piece of tape over my right nipple also came off this morning. The tape over my left nipple is still hanging on, but I may help it fall off within the next day or two. The scars just below my nipples are barely noticeable, and I expect they will continue to fade.
One more bit of good news is that I had been wearing size 10 jeans since my surgery, I had been afraid of wearing snug jeans due to the swelling I experienced. Today I decided to wear my usual size 8, and so far I have not had any issues. I can definitely tell my jeans fit better now.
Jessica Rose,
I hope your good news keeps on rolling in, day by day, every day. :)
Chrissy
Good to hear you continue to heal and sutures are coming out. Oh How I desire those pants fitting right but before that can happen I have a few things to get rid of. Not the least of which is about 30-40 pounds. Tell Susan I said hi and hope the whole family are doing well.
Hugs,
Laurie
Susan and I did some shopping on Monday. We spent a few hours at a huge indoor consignment shop, visited Subway for lunch, picked out a few tops at Ross, then went to my electrolysis appointment. The entire electrolysis session was spent on my chest and down below. Seeing dark chest hairs really bothers me, and I want to be sure the required area down below is cleared before my next round of surgery in late July.
There is still one bruise which has not yet faded away, and the sutures around my 'cactoris' are stubborn as ever. The area where my sutures failed continues to heal, but for the most part it is just a minor annoyance now. I am using the #3 dilator three times a day without issue. I will drop down to twice a day once I go back to work next Monday.
The reality of what I have done still hasn't hit me. Maybe that will happen once the last sutures dissolve, or maybe it will happen when I rejoin my friends at work. I feel like I am still waiting for something.
Quote from: Laurie on March 30, 2019, 06:16:01 PM
Good to hear you continue to heal and sutures are coming out. Oh How I desire those pants fitting right but before that can happen I have a few things to get rid of. Not the least of which is about 30-40 pounds. Tell Susan I said hi and hope the whole family are doing well.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thanks
@Laurie ! I had another suture come out today, but I still have a 'cactoris' which is causing some frustration because it is hard to play with a cactus. Even though I could tuck pretty well, my jeans and panties definitely fit better now. I'm certain you will reach you goal. Susan and I send a big hug back your way... (((HUG)))!!!
Susan and I went shopping today. I was a bit low on some of my makeup so we stopped by Merle Norman, the manager remembered me. She offered to give me a facial, but I passed the honor to Susan. For the next 30 minutes or so Susan was treated to a nice facial cleansing, and of course we wound up buying more than just the makeup I needed! Next we were off to Macy's, where we always find some nice, inexpensive jewelry on sale or clearance. We ate lunch in the food court, then I dropped Susan off at Barnes & Noble while I visited Nordstrom Rack -- one of the few places that always has women's size 13 shoes! I found a pair of black ankle boots on clearance that came home with me. Susan walked over from the bookstore and found some tan ankle boots for herself. They weren't on sale, but I never say 'no' to Susan.
Although it seems minor, I had another 'first' today. For the first time since GCS I didn't use a pad or liner. It was definitely more comfortable, and there was no indication of leakage or moisture after around 5 hours of shopping. Sometimes the things we celebrate really seem odd, but they are milestones nonetheless.
Yesterday I decided to try dilator #4. I had to warm up with the #3 taper, then #3 before moving to #4. It was really tight, but there was less discomfort than when I moved from the #1 to the #2. The biggest issue with #4 is that it seems to create a vacuum, so removal takes more time than insertion! For those wondering about the difference in dilator sizes - diameter and circumference:
#1 1.02in / 26mm 3.20in / 81.68mm
#2 1.14in / 29mm 3.58in / 91.11mm
#3 1.26in / 32mm 3.96in / 100.53mm
#4 1.39in / 35mm 4.37in / 110.00mm
I also found some bras which I really like. I have a long torso, and most bra shoulder straps are not nearly long enough. Recently Target began selling their own line of lingerie under the 'Auden' name. Their standard 'Everyday' underwire bra is only $10, and the cross-back 'Icon' is $15. The bras fit very well once I adjusted the shoulder straps to their max length.
I bought a few 'standard' bikini bottoms today - I don't need the skirted bottoms now. When we got home Susan showed me a bikini she bought last year. Smiling, I said that I liked it and asked her what size it was. She told me in no uncertain terms that I couldn't have it, then announced she was going to hide it!
We have a therapist session tomorrow. I want to let my therapist know that writing the referral letter was the right thing to do.
I go back to work tomorrow. Now I need to decided what to wear!
Wow, Jessica, you are moving right along on both the medical and 'life' fronts. Back to work tomorrow!
Bikini shopping already! I didn't get my first bikini until about a week ago. But then, summer and swimming season will be here soon!
Whoohoo Jessica! Congratulations on your dilation progress. Spring is here and the beach is looking good. No bikini bottoms for me but I did just order a cute one piece swim dress. I still have to hide things at least until early next year.
Hugs!
Until last Summer I had not worn a swimsuit in decades, probably something about not liking my body. Now I'm loving it! I may be going to Florida again this Summer to take photos at a softball tournament, and I want to be prepared.
My first day back to work was uneventful. I started off with a quick stop at a grocery store on the way to work. I picked up some donuts, cookies, brownies and even a veggie tray to share with my co-workers. All of my friends welcomed me back (maybe it was just the food I brought in?), and it was good to be back. It only took a few minutes to get my new height-adjustable table (a standing desk) set up for work, which came with dual monitors for my laptop! I spent most of the day going through the 5000+ messages I received while I was out of office.
After work I went to visit my therapist in Denver. She basically just wanted to know about my experience with GCS, and she took several pages of notes. She really only had one question for me, which came at the end of our session. Knowing what I know now, would I still do it? Without hesitation I said 'Yes'. Sometimes I do think 'What have I done?' But all I have to do is remember where I came from and who I pretended to be before I started this journey, and the doubt quickly fades. I will never know what my life could have been like if I had been assigned female at birth, or if I had transitioned years ago. I do know that I have finally found peace, and that I have the rest of my life to enjoy finally being who I was meant to be.
I did wear a new dress to work today...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fatr02Bz.jpg&hash=b9c3255b1264fdfa61231b998fb3d0dbd8ba065a) (https://imgur.com/atr02Bz)
Yay Jess! Getting back to work as the new you. Actually I think "the new you" in inaccurate. It's always been you but now with the new parts you were supposed to have from the beginning.
I love that dress girl!
Hugs!
Thanks
@Donica ! I found the dress on eBay, it is by 'Rachel Roy'. Their sizing runs a bit small, 'large' is a US size 8.
A few weeks ago I was asked to write an article for my company's next LGBT+ quarterly newsletter. It is only sent out to members of our LGBT+ ERG (Employee Resource Group), so it is a friendly audience. I decided to write about my GCS experience. They already know the first part of my story, and telling them a bit about GCS may help them understand a little more about what we go through. I let one of my friends read it, and she said it made her cry. I only had a week to work on this so it is not as polished as I would like, but I think it gets the point across.
"My journey isn't over... but I have finally found peace, and a new beginning."
I said those words near the end of my NCOD presentation last year, knowing the next step in my journey was on the horizon. Something very private, something people should never ask about, something that will profoundly impact the rest my life. Not everyone who is transgender feels the need to take this step, but I knew I could never be who I was meant to be without it. On 21 February I underwent Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS).
The reality of the surgery and recovery is something most people know nothing about. I had read several first-hand accounts and talked to a few women who had the procedure, but I was unprepared for the experience. Although extremely uncomfortable, the physical pain wasn't as intense as I expected. Mentally it was the greatest challenge of my life.
I won't discuss the specifics, but I think origami was involved. I am glad I was asleep during the four hour procedure. In some aspects it was quite brutal, and it took a heavy toll. Two days after surgery just standing up without blacking out was a challenge, one which I failed many times. The third day I was allowed to shower, and I wasn't prepared for what I saw. Although it was exactly what I wanted, the reality of that first glimpse was almost too much to bear. I was overwhelmed -- deep purple bruises on both sides of my torso and on my upper thighs, extensive swelling, and a catheter taped to my lower stomach. The familiar, decades-old image of myself was gone. I tried not to look. I was so emotionally and physically drained by that first shower that I slept for several hours.
I was in the hospital for nine nights, and most of that time is a blur. There were many 'firsts' during my stay, but most of them are too personal to discuss. It took nearly six weeks for the bruises and swelling to fade, and for me to start feeling somewhat normal again. I also have a new daily routine, one which includes a procedure I must perform on a regular basis for the rest of my life. It will be another month or two before I am fully healed. Despite the discomfort, I know this was the right decision for me.
The most amazing part of all has been my wife. Susan and I have been married nearly 35 years, and my surgery took something important away from our marriage. When we went for the consultation Susan so upset that I didn't dare ask any questions about the procedure! However, she never complained or asked me not to go through with it. After surgery she was by my side every day, keeping my spirits up and making sure I was comfortable. Somewhere along the line Susan realized this was indeed my path to peace, and that it would be a new beginning for both of us.
When I ask Susan why she has stayed with me after all I put her through, the decades of anger and now this change, she always replies 'Because I love you.' I think I finally understand the 'Star Wars' movies – 'the force' they continually refer to, the energy that surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together, is love.
Very well done Jessica! I'm glad the people you work for are stepping up to the acceptance and inclusion of the LGBTQ+ community. History is being made before their eyes.
Hugs!
Beautifully written, Jessica!
Jessica Rose,
That is a bold, wonderfully composed article you wrote.
Nicely done!
Chrissy
Thanks for the compliments
@Donica ,
@KathyLauren , and
@ChrissyRyan !
Today was another first -- I wore perfume. I was careful to use just a tiny bit on my wrists, I didn't want people to think I had marinated in it! Driving to work with the faint smell of perfume in the car, knowing that it was mine, was a blissful experience. No one at work said anything, but I knew!
Dilation is getting easier, and healing continues. There is an odd little flap of skin down below that is slowly shrinking away, and there is no longer a tinge of blood when I dilate. Facial laser session #14 is tomorrow. I have resigned myself to the fact that laser will not be able to finish off my dark facial hair, but I will keep going as long as they don't ask for more money. Laser has been working great on leg and stomach hair.
This weekend I will finally get out to the softball field and take some game photos! None of the softball folks have seen me since early December, and there are several new players and parents who have never met me. My #1 fan Danielle will be there with her daughter, so I know I will have at least two friends there I can count on.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on April 18, 2019, 09:18:24 PM
Thanks for the compliments @Donica , @KathyLauren , and @ChrissyRyan !
Today was another first -- I wore perfume. I was careful to use just a tiny bit on my wrists, I didn't want people to think I had marinated in it! Driving to work with the faint smell of perfume in the car, knowing that it was mine, was a blissful experience. No one at work said anything, but I knew!
Dilation is getting easier, and healing continues. There is an odd little flap of skin down below that is slowly shrinking away, and there is no longer a tinge of blood when I dilate. Facial laser session #14 is tomorrow. I have resigned myself to the fact that laser will not be able to finish off my dark facial hair, but I will keep going as long as they don't ask for more money. Laser has been working great on leg and stomach hair.
This weekend I will finally get out to the softball field and take some game photos! None of the softball folks have seen me since early December, and there are several new players and parents who have never met me. My #1 fan Danielle will be there with her daughter, so I know I will have at least two friends there I can count on.
Whoo hoo! Glad dilation is going better now. Yes I've always been told electrolysis is more permanent that laser.
Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Donica on April 19, 2019, 12:00:57 AM
Whoo hoo! Glad dilation is going better now. Yes I've always been told electrolysis is more permanent that laser.
Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk
Have fun with your softball friends. I'm going through bottom HNT for GCS. I rreeeaaalllyyy wish they could come up with a better idea ugh!!![emoji37]
Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk
@Donica , Ibuprofen helps a bit with HNT, but it still hurts!
It started off a bit chilly this morning (29 degrees). I bought a new dress last weekend that I really wanted to wear, so I didn't let the chill stop me. At work I received several compliments on it, along with one friend who said 'I hate you!' with a smile.
After lunch I picked up my new glasses, and the optician I worked with said 'that is a beautiful dress'. Once my glasses were fitted, I went home to prepare for laser session #14. I applied a few layers of the BLT cream, then took some ibuprofen. It helps a little, but laser treatments on your upper lip are more painful than electrolysis. The laser operator was really nice, and after the session ended we began to talk. I told her part of my story, then she told me that her 18 year old daughter was planning to transition! Her daughter was seeing a therapist, and they had already started discussing top surgery. We talked about it for at least 15 minutes. I gave her my business card after adding my personal email address to it. I said I would be happy to help her find any resources she may need, or even just lend an ear if she needed someone to talk to.
I found the encounter very timely. Yesterday at work we had a round table discussion with LGBT+ parents, and two of the women on the panel each had a teenage child who had transitioned from female to male. Even though it was a familiar story to me, it was interesting hearing it from a parents' perspective.
...and now for the dress! I realize it isn't a very original pose...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9mG8trP.jpg&hash=afa81889ac63d7fc755a7169dbb17417bc911b89) (https://imgur.com/9mG8trP)
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on April 19, 2019, 07:40:20 PM
@Donica , Ibuprofen helps a bit with HNT, but it still hurts!
It started off a bit chilly this morning (29 degrees). I bought a new dress last weekend that I really wanted to wear, so I didn't let the chill stop me. At work I received several compliments on it, along with one friend who said 'I hate you!' with a smile.
After lunch I picked up my new glasses, and the optician I worked with said 'that is a beautiful dress'. Once my glasses were fitted, I went home to prepare for laser session #14. I applied a few layers of the BLT cream, then took some ibuprofen. It helps a little, but laser treatments on your upper lip are more painful than electrolysis. The laser operator was really nice, and after the session ended we began to talk. I told her part of my story, then she told me that her 18 year old daughter was planning to transition! Her daughter was seeing a therapist, and they had already started discussing top surgery. We talked about it for at least 15 minutes. I gave her my business card after adding my personal email address to it. I said I would be happy to help her find any resources she may need, or even just lend an ear if she needed someone to talk to.
I found the encounter very timely. Yesterday at work we had a round table discussion with LGBT+ parents, and two of the women on the panel each had a teenage child who had transitioned from female to male. Even though it was a familiar story to me, it was interesting hearing it from a parents' perspective.
...and now for the dress! I realize it isn't a very original pose...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9mG8trP.jpg&hash=afa81889ac63d7fc755a7169dbb17417bc911b89) (https://imgur.com/9mG8trP)
Jessica Rose,
Other than the pain, which is discomforting thinking that you are going through more of that, what a lovely story! Plus, that is a lovely dress on a lovely woman.
You provide such a wonderful role model, helpful information, and the privilege to hear of your life. You continue to help people freely and you are so sharing and authentic. Thank you for being you.
You take care and have a wonderful weekend.
Chrissy
Thanks
@ChrissyRyan ! Reading the stories of those who preceded me saved my life. They helped me figure out where my anger came from, and their stories lit the path so I could find my way out of the darkness. If telling my story helps just one person, it is worth it. I am just trying to pay it forward.
The softball games on Saturday went well. The weather was great, I had some friendly conversation with a few of the parents (and even one of the umpires), and the team played well. I took fewer photos than usual, only about 3200, but I really enjoyed getting back out with the team.
I had an electrolysis appointment today. We started off in the netherlands (I can't call it the 'south pole' region anymore). That area only took about 20 minutes, then she moved up to my face and neck. After about 25 minutes she was out of targets, so she spent the last 45 minutes on my chest. In 90 minutes she cleared the Netherlands, my face, my neck, and my chest. When I started this journey in January 2017, a 90 minute session wouldn't even have cleared half of one cheek! I still have a ways to go, but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter every week. Outside of our daughters and our marriage, this has been the longest, most expensive, and most rewarding personal project that I have ever worked on.
YES!!! One of my cactoris thorns came out today! Hopefully that means the rest will soon follow. It really kills the mood when one of those sutures makes itself painfully known during attempted playtime. Only 11 more to go...
I also got some good news from the Meltzer Clinic. My insurance finally paid for GCS, so they refunded my original surgery deposit. Just three months to go before the final basement remodel!
I love your sun dress Jessica. I have one very similar. It's getting hot down here (low 80's today) so I'm wearing it to tonight's Group meeting.
I remember what Ava went through after her FFS. It seemed to take for ever for all the sutures to come out. Thank God for health insurance. I didn't know your GCS was two stages. Good luck hun.
Hugs!
Thanks
@Donica . I'm not too concerned about stage two, it is not nearly as intense as the first stage. I will certainly be glad when it is done!
I can't wait for it to warm up a bit more so I can wear this dress. This is what I have always wanted to wear!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FLBWFoqP.jpg&hash=ebfdafb426ba010176f0a4649c284223089f4962) (https://imgur.com/LBWFoqP)
The story I wrote about my GCS experience went live at work this morning. I received several positive notes about it, but the best note was from another employee who was looking into GCS within the next year or so. I provided her more details about my experience with Dr. Ley, and I passed along my personal email address and told her I would gladly answer any questions she may have.
Yesterday I received a bill from the hospital. apparently they want a bit more money. I received great care while I was there and plan to pay them promptly. However, I didn't realize just how expensive my hospital stay was. The total cost for the operating room, anesthesiologist, and hospital stay was just a touch over $129,000!!! No wonder so many people look to Thailand for GCS. I personally don't know anyone who could afford that bill out of pocket. I feel extremely lucky that the vast majority of the bill was covered by insurance.
Jessica, Over the next few days / weeks I am going to get up to speed on your thread because I really enjoy some of your posts elsewhere. In the meantime.... just have to say.... love that dress. :)
Thanks for the compliments KimOct! Feel free to visit my garden whenever you like, everyone is welcome.
I spent a lifetime not being able to wear what I wanted. For decades I bought women's clothes, tried them on, then stored they away. I spent well over $10k buying clothes that I could never wear. By the time I transitioned I had lost a lot of weight and the majority of the clothes I had bought didn't fit. Now I can finally buy what I like AND wear it. I have decades of jeans, polo shirts, and tennis shoes to make up for.
Thursday I kept feeling like I had to pee, even after I went it felt like I still had to go. Same thing happened Friday. I realized that I may have a UTI, so I sent a note to my PCP (primary care physician). She told me to get a UTI test kit and tell her the results. I bought a kit on Saturday and it confirmed my suspicions. When I mentioned the test results to Susan she said 'Welcome to Womanhood.' Hopefully I will get a prescription Monday.
Susan and I call my parents every Sunday. Usually my Dad greets me as 'Jessica', sometimes he calls me the opposite of daughter. Today, for the first time ever, my Dad greeted me with 'Well hello gal'! It brought a smile to my face, and extra moisture to my eyes. At the start of my journey I was certain he would never want to see me again, sometimes being wrong is a good thing.
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:How wonderfully affirming to hear that kind of greeting from your Dad....
Plus, your latest picture of you in your new summer dress is indisputably a picture of a beautiful woman.
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs,
DanielleQuote from: Jessica_Rose on April 28, 2019, 06:02:05 PM
Susan and I call my parents every Sunday. Usually my Dad greets me as 'Jessica', sometimes he calls me the opposite of daughter. Today, for the first time ever, my Dad greeted me with 'Well hello gal'! It brought a smile to my face, and extra moisture to my eyes. At the start of my journey I was certain he would never want to see me again, sometimes being wrong is a good thing.
Hi Jessica,
Finally getting back online after 3 weeks of travel. You look great in that sun dress. What a smile! I'm glad your healing is going well, but sorry about the UTI. Maybe we'll eventually get some good weather for that dress...
Thanks for the compliments Danielle and Randy!
I visited the clinic at work today, and they sent out a sample to see what caused my UTI. The nurse suggested something with pyridine, usually marketed for 'urinary pain relief'. It works great, no more sudden urge to hit the bathroom every few minutes, but you are only supposed to use it for two days. They also game me a prescription for nitrofurantoin, which will hopefully clear it up. There is another softball tournament this weekend and I don't want to be headed toward the restroom every half hour.
The nurse I saw was great. She treated me as a woman throughout the appointment, it probably helps that my records show my gender as 'female'. It was only when we reviewed my list of medications that I mentioned I was transgender and recently had GCS. Even after that she continued to treat me as the woman I am. I realize I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. It wasn't that long ago that I thought this was an impossible dream, yet here I am. I still can't believe it. Yes, I'm crying now...
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:Thank you for sharing your wonderfully affirming story of your medical clinic visit and how the nurse handled your transgender status.
Yes, you are a woman, and a classy and beautiful woman for sure. Again, I love your latest picture in your new summer dress. :) :) :) I am happy to see it as your new Avatar photo!!! ;)
Hugs,
Danielle
I took another step today. I live in Colorado, but I was born in Texas. In mid-March I spoke to a lawyer in Texas about getting a new birth certificate, a task she has done for others. She discussed the process with me, then mentioned I may be able to do it myself through the Colorado court system. It seems I always have something going on, and I just don't know when I would find time to get it done. Today I sent a note to the lawyer asking if she would accept me as a client and help me get a new birth certificate. She sent me a questionnaire asking for some identification information, hopefully that means she will take me on as a client.
We are also re-financing our house. We will drop the interest rate a bit, but the more important part is that the loan will have my current name on it. I contacted the original loan company months ago and sent them all of the documentation they requested, but I never received a response. We close on Monday.
First I need to thank
@Alaskan Danielle for the beautiful compliment!
I have been pretty busy lately. Last Thursday (2 May) we had some guests over for supper, Bill and Barb. They are an older couple who have lived across the street from us for about three years. On occasion I have cleared the snow from their driveway and sidewalk, but I never got to actually meet them. They arrived at 6:00pm with a dessert. We chatted for a few minutes then sat down for supper. After supper we talked until around 8:00pm. It was a very pleasant evening. They always got my name and pronouns right and never asked anything about my transition, I expect they would consider that being nosy. Hopefully we will have them over again sometime.
Saturday and Sunday was consumed by a softball tournament in Arvada (a Denver suburb). The Saturday 'pool' games are used to determine the seeding for the tournament games on Sunday. For the first time I can remember, all four teams in our pool went 1-1-1. We wound up being seeded as a #4 team, which meant an 8:00am game against a #1 team. Our team was ready to play on Sunday, one young lady on the team hit five home runs! They played extremely well and won the tournament! I took around 8000 photos those two days, so now I have some work to do. I also put a new battery in my 1987 Monte Carlo SS Aerocoupe, our daughter Kimberly is coming home from college and wants to drive it a bit. The car has not been started in about three years!
Monday was quite eventful. First I found out my UTI was not what I expected. Apparently it is being caused by a bacteria called pseudomonas, which is usually associated with the long term use of a catheter. My PCP believes it was a complication from the surgery in February. Hopefully my prescription for cipro will take care of it quickly. Next a notary came to our house to close on our new home loan. We were able to drop the interest rate and duration, but more importantly the new loan and title will have my name on them. I was asked to sign my dead name on one document, hopefully that will be the last time. We tried updating the original loan with my current name, but even after sending the requested documents and calling them my request was ignored. Later that afternoon, after a 90 minute electrolysis session, we decided to try starting the Monte Carlo. It took about twenty minutes and dozens of attempts, but eventually it fired up. I love the rumble of that V8 engine!
Today I called our County Sheriff about updating my concealed carry permit. I explained the situation, and the lady I spoke to was very courteous. She said she had never encountered this situation before, and she would contact the CBI (Colorado Bureau of Investigation) to find out what paperwork I will need to provide. She also set up an appointment for me to visit the Sheriff's office on 24 May to get a new permit. I asked about the fee, and she said there was no fee for the changes I would need.
Nice update, Jessica! Except for the health issue, it sounds like life is just... life. It's all we really want, right? Your neighbors sound awesome. Apparently they knew "him," so the way they treat you shows that they are high-class people.
I never had a concealed carry permit, so I didn't have to change one. Instead, when the opportunity came up to take a class for free with my Bestie, I grabbed it. I have the certificate, but now I have to go to the Florida Department of Agriculture to get the paperwork done and the permit issued. I don't really need it - I only own rifles right now, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to have it if I do decide to carry some day.
Stephanie
If a car hasn't been driven in 3 years, you're probably going to have to drain the fuel system. Gas tends to be good for about 6 months of storage and then it can go bad several ways. The worst is if it lacquers and plugs up your fuel filter. We just went through this with Christine78's car and the fuel came out really nasty. In addition, she had to replace the in tank fuel pump but we aren't sure what took it out.
Yes Steph, life is slowly returning to normal, and as hoped not the 'normal' that is used to be. I forgot to mention meeting Gina and Carl at the tournament. They are the parents of a player who recently joined the team. I had met them about two years ago, before transitioning, and they remembered me. Gina and I talked for quite a while, one conversation even continued as we walked into the restroom and took care of business! Gina finished first and waited for me outside the restroom. After the tournament Carl talked to me for about 20 minutes, mainly about cameras and photography. Everyone I talked to at the tournament treated me as the woman I am. No dead-naming or pronoun issues.
I did get off a good one-liner with one of the parents at the tournament. She asked if my transition had been hard on Susan, I touched her shoulder gently and said "well it's not hard anymore!"
I heard back from the Sheriff's Office, all I need to bring is my current driver's license and a copy of the court order for my name change. I can count on one hand the number of times 'he' carried a handgun, but I do feel a bit more vulnerable now and more of a target. Unfortunately there are people out there who want to do us harm just because of who we are. I expect I still won't carry a firearm often, but knowing I can do so legally makes me feel better.
I have heard that gasoline can go 'bad' after six months or so. During our attempts start the car I had Kimberly open the gas cap, and apparently quite a vacuum had formed inside the tank. Maybe the vacuum helped keep the gasoline fresher? The car cranked easily again today, and Kimberly drove it to a nearby shop to get an oil change. So far it has been cooperating, but I will watch and listen closely to see if any issues develop.
Part of the modern pollution control system puts a vacuum on the fuel tank so the fumes don't escape into the air. If the engine attempted to run, that may have been enough to pull the vacuum. This is also why part of the pollution inspection includes checking the seal on the filler cap.
I don't know of anything that would freshen the fuel and the best thing to do is drain the tank, rinse it out with a small amount to fresh fuel then refill it with fresh fuel. I had to do this at work with a three wheeler that hadn't been used in a long time. Fortunately the tank was small making it less of a problem disposing of the old fuel.
I may try to siphon out some of the old fuel, but I don't know how I could dispose of it safely...
The important news first. Today I had some sutures removed, no more cactoris!!! The doctor only had to scrape me off the ceiling three times. I didn't feel most of the sutures, but those last three were excruciating! Eeeek! It still occasionally feels like someone is stabbing my clitoris with a needle, but I expect that will subside after a few days. My doctor said everything looked fine.
Last Saturday was a softball cookout, which included a game pitting the parents against the team. For some reason the parents always seem to win -- let's just say the officiating was a bit loose. Everyone was laughing and having a great time. Saturday afternoon I heard back from the attorney in Texas. She sent me an employment contract and a court petition to get my new birth certificate!
Sunday, with Susan's permission, I went on a photo shoot with Danielle, my #1 fan. She wanted me to take some photos of her son and daughter for Mother's Day. We went to a local park and while Danielle directed the poses, I took photos. Today I mailed her a flash drive so they can look through the photos and let me know which ones they would like me to work on.
Today, after my cactoris pruning, I returned the legal contract with payment and a notarized copy of the court petition.
On 15 May (Wednesday) after work, Susan and I headed down to Louisiana to visit some of our relatives. The trip down was uneventful. We spent the night in Amarillo and arrived Thursday afternoon in time to pick up supper for my parents.
Friday we visited my brother's grave. The marker had been installed earlier in the week, and I must admit is was surreal to see his name marking a burial site. We were not really close, but knowing his once vibrant life is at an end did have an effect on me. My parents seem to be doing well, but I know they think of Carl every day.
The weekend was nice. Temperatures in the mid-80's allowed me to wear that sundress I always wanted to wear (see post #640)! My sister-in-law thought it was a bit short, but she agreed that I could get away with it -- after all I'm only 15 months old! She also mentioned that my chest remodel looked really nice and was proportional, she had been concerned that I may have gone for the Dolly Parton look. Saturday evening Susan and I had supper with my remaining brother and his family. Gene and his family have all accepted me without reservation. During supper they broke some news -- their youngest daughter had officially become engaged! They have not set a date yet, but they are planning the wedding for March or April of next year. Of course there had to be some bad news. Just as we were leaving the restaurant to head home our daughter Kimberly called from New Mexico. It seems while her and her roommates were gone someone had broken in. They stole all of her roommates jewelry and several of Kimberly's rings, along with two PS3 controllers and one game. She is hopeful the rings will turn up. She wears a size 3.5 ring which is not very common, and the town she lives in is pretty small. They have replaced all of the locks and a portable alarm system is on the way.
We left for home after lunch on Sunday, once again spending the night in Amarillo. We had supper at an IHOP, and the waitress remembered us from our previous visit in early February. I asked her what made us memorable, and she said it was my soft, sweet voice! Yes, she got a big tip for that! We left Monday morning, and unfortunately the weather was not very kind. We started the day driving through a thunderstorm with heavy rain and sporadic hail. After an hour or so we got out of the heavy stuff and were driving in light rain. A little while after crossing into New Mexico we hit heavy fog for about 45 minutes, then finally some sun as we neared the Colorado border. After an hour of really nice weather we encountered more rain, which turned into snow as we reached Colorado Springs. Monday night into Tuesday we received over 6 inches of snow!
The only other newsworthy item happened today, an appointment with the Sheriff's Office to update my concealed carry permit. I worked with three different ladies, and all of them were awesome! The only painful part was adding my dead name to one of the forms. I was surprised they printed out my new permit on the spot, complete with new name and photo! The entire visit only took about 15 minutes, and there was no charge.
A beautiful young lady on her way down to Scottsdale stopped by for a short visit today, so Susan and I met her for lunch. We talked for well over an hour, and she showed us a few photos of a recent trip she and Debi took to Europe. Tia had to hit the road too soon, but it is always nice to visit with family.
Tia and Jessica
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoJp3bR7.jpg&hash=1f14aec3cfdc8e368f7883904af996641ceeafda) (https://imgur.com/oJp3bR7)
Tia and Susan
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FG7duHjk.jpg&hash=2844de1f53c4248df0d9b55941158f06cf771ed4) (https://imgur.com/G7duHjk)
Tia and Rose
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fvcl7xAI.jpg&hash=e23b08d700cf807876e88d2e83618bf017b34ea7) (https://imgur.com/vcl7xAI)
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on May 25, 2019, 08:06:40 PM
A beautiful young lady on her way down to Scottsdale stopped by for a short visit today, so Susan and I met her for lunch. We talked for well over an hour, and she showed us a few photos of a recent trip she and Debi took to Europe. Tia had to hit the road too soon, but it is always nice to visit with family.
Tia and Jessica
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoJp3bR7.jpg&hash=1f14aec3cfdc8e368f7883904af996641ceeafda) (https://imgur.com/oJp3bR7)
Tia and Susan
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FG7duHjk.jpg&hash=2844de1f53c4248df0d9b55941158f06cf771ed4) (https://imgur.com/G7duHjk)
Tia and Rose
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fvcl7xAI.jpg&hash=e23b08d700cf807876e88d2e83618bf017b34ea7) (https://imgur.com/vcl7xAI)
Love to you all!!
Stephanie
As many of you have already noticed, nearly four years of posts have been lost (late May 2019 - 1 Jan 2023). The site staff is working diligently to get things back to normal, so please be patient. Susan posted about the issue here: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246809.msg2258972.html#msg2258972
Luckily, I made occasional backups of my posts using 'cut and paste'. I am going to rebuild my blog here on Susan's Place, and I will continue my support of this site.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 02, 2019, 06:41:56 am »
Today is our 35th Wedding Anniversary. There were many times I thought we would never make it this far, times when I was certain our marriage was over. Several moves, a few job changes, two beautiful daughters, some laughter, and many tears. These last two years have probably been the most difficult of all. Although I am in many ways not the same person Susan married all those years ago, she has stayed by my side. Whenever I ask why she has stayed with me all these years, through those dark decades of my growing anger and rage, Susan always says 'because I love you.'
In many ways I am a different person now, and it may take years for us to figure out who this new person really is, but I know that no matter how long it takes, Susan will be by my side. For her to stay after all I have put her through is the best evidence I have that love is the most powerful binding force in the universe.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 03, 2019, 08:01:33 pm »
First, thanks to @CynthiaAnn , @Faith , @KathyLauren , @TonyaW , @davina61 , @jkredman , @Donica , and @Kirsteneklund7 for the warm Anniversary wishes!
We started the day with a walk through 'Garden of the Gods' park then visited Bourbon Brothers for some prime rib. After doing a little shopping we went home. Previously Susan had mentioned that there is only one thing she misses. I surprised her Sunday night by using something which closely resembles my previous anatomy. Susan agreed that it was a suitable replacement, and it made her, er, um, 'happy' again. If you want details search for 'feeldoe'. Probably even more interesting is that I bought this item nearly six years ago and it had sat unused, sealed in the original package all this time.
Today I received a letter from my insurance carrier, they have already approved coverage for my GCS Stage II (labiaplasty). The Meltzer Clinic took care of the paperwork without a word from me. I also received an escrow refund check from my previous mortgage holder. Unfortunately, they made it payable to my dead name and Susan. Hopefully this will be the last time I ever have to sign my old name, but I won't hold my breath.
I forgot to mention something interesting that happened last Monday. As I left my electrologist's office I heard a male voice say 'Excuse me miss, could you jump me?' I looked towards the young man and several different thoughts ran through my mind, but then he added 'I have cables.' I quickly surmised he was not into S&M, so I told him that I had a portable jump starter and would be happy to help. After successfully 'jumping' him he said 'thank you miss.' Although I have heard ma'am many times, I think that was the first time anyone ever referred to me as 'miss'.
Kirsten, some of what I post would have embarrassed me a few years ago. Reading posts on Susan's Place is how I discovered the source of my anger, which probably saved my life. There were many times when I thought our marriage was over, and I still find it hard to believe that we made it through the storm. Unfortunately, not many stories have happy endings. I know how lucky I am. I post to show others that there is hope, that it is possible to transition without having your world fall apart. Even if it had fallen apart I would still be alive, living authentically, with a chance to build a new life.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 06, 2019, 07:26:13 pm »
I heard from my attorney in Texas today, she is working on getting my new birth certificate. My legal petition was accepted. Now I need to get fingerprint cards and send them to the Texas Department of Public Safety in Austin, TX, along with a copy of the petition. I have an appointment to get fingerprint cards at noon tomorrow. Hopefully the process at the Texas DPS won't take too long.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 08, 2019, 07:57:27 pm »
I got my fingerprint cards taken care of on Friday and got them in the mail. The Texas Department of Public Safety should get them on Monday. I have no idea how long it will take them to run the background checks...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 22, 2019, 08:26:57 am »
I took photos at two softball tournaments earlier this month and have been busy reviewing and editing the photos. I realized I am past due for an update...
About a month ago I sent a note to one of the people involved in the National Coming Out Day event my company held last year. I mentioned that I was interested in giving an update on my story at this year's event. She passed my request to the person in charge of planning, I'll call him 'J'. Two weeks ago 'J' contacted me and said he wanted to talk to me about it, so we set up a meeting for Friday (21 June). I'm sure a lot of others want their voices heard, so I expected he wanted to let me down easy. When we talked yesterday, I quickly discovered that wasn't the case.
'J' said he was excited to hear from me. They are in the early stages of planning, but they want me to play a bigger role this year. In addition to providing my update, they may have me introduce some of the stories being told and participate in other aspects of the event. I was also asked to write a newsletter article (due the first week of July) to help build interest. By the time our conversation was over I was wearing a huge smile. A lot can happen between now and October, but I am already excited about it!
Last week I asked my Texas attorney about a possible timeline for getting my new birth certificate. She said I could have a court date as early as mid-July. I told her about my upcoming surgery and she said we could schedule around it. I don't know how long it will take to get the new certificate, but it's possible that I may have a court order for it by the end of August.
I also built a new computer last week, my current one is at least six years old and was overdue for an update. It only took about three hours to put together, and another hour or two for some software. One of these days I will get around to moving my data over...
As for my first round of surgery, there are still some numb areas on both breasts. My right breast has a small numb area just below the nipple while most of the right side of my left breast is still numb, at least the feeling has returned to my left nipple. I can't see the incisions at all, and they look amazing! Down below has also healed up nicely. Although dilation is still not pleasurable, it is not uncomfortable. I am looking forward to have the finishing touches along with a little FFS next month.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 24, 2019, 09:15:37 pm »
Thanks @ChrissyRyan !
I received a letter from the Texas DPS. They returned my fingerprint cards with a note stating I need to put my legal name on them!!! The fingerprint folks pre-print the identification information on the cards and you have to show them ID before they take your prints. The cards already have my legal name on them, along with my dead name as an alias! I sent a note to my attorney around 7:00pm, and she responded within 30 minutes! She said she has never had that happen before and wants me to call the Texas DPS and explain things to them. Part of me says that is my attorney's job, but I have the cards in my hands so I guess I'll do it. I do not handle dealing with my dead name very well. I have been Jessica Rose since 5 Feb 2018, and it hurts when people question my legal identity -- it makes me question my own identity and takes me to a dark place where I don't want to be. Two weeks of waiting wasted...
I sent a draft copy of my newsletter article to 'J' late this afternoon. Hopefully I will hear back within the next day or two. The article is about a dark moment in my life, one which only a few people know the whole story. I plan to tell that story in the hopes it will help people understand how deep into darkness a person can go when they have to hide their soul for decades. I will post it here once I polish it up a bit.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 25, 2019, 06:48:26 pm »
Thanks for your support @CynthiaAnn and @Faith !!!
I called the Texas DPS this morning, they actually opened at 8:00am CT. The lady I spoke with was very nice. I explained the situation to her, and she said the name on the fingerprint cards had to match the name on the name change petition. Although I changed my name through the courts in Colorado, as far as Texas is concerned the name on my original birth certificate is my legal name. Per the lady's instructions, I used white-out to cover the name entries on the cards and put my current legal name as an alias, and my dead name as my current name. I also had to sign with my dead name. So as @SassyCassie and @steph2.0 say, I ate some toad. The cards are already on their way back to Texas and should arrive Thursday.
One other little thing, today I made my last payment to the Meltzer Clinic for my upcoming surgery.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Darn, I could have been reply #666....missed a trick there! >:-)
Hugs, Devlyn
« on: June 28, 2019, 06:28:37 pm »
I wore one of my favorite dresses to work today. For some reason my wife doesn't like it...
(https://i.imgur.com/nhlsKXA.jpg)
« on: July 01, 2019, 08:00:02 pm »
A few days ago I mentioned that I was asked to write a newsletter article to build interest in my company's next National Coming Out Day event. I submitted the article today. If @Susan_Rose sees this I would suggest she avoid reading it. I posted it as a new topic here: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246820.msg2259006.html#msg2259006
I should find out by the end of next week what part they want me to play in the next event.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 07, 2019, 07:25:20 am »
Thanks Danielle and Chrissy!
This morning (Sunday), I received an email from my Texas attorney. The results from my fingerprint check have already been submitted to the court. My attorney wanted to know what dates I would be available to appear in court if a personal appearance was necessary! I replied with a few dates that wouldn't work due to my scheduled surgery with Dr. Ley later this month, and added that all I would need is 48hrs notice. This is happening much faster than I thought, but there is still plenty of time for things to go wrong!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 07, 2019, 09:28:53 pm »
Thanks Rachel!
Actually my legal name change was completed in Colorado on 5 Feb last year. The attorney in Texas is helping me with something even more important -- a court order for a new birth certificate with my new name and gender! Texas is one of the more difficult states as far as changing a birth certificate is concerned, but there are a few states where existing laws actually prevent changing the gender on a birth certificate. Getting that little piece of paper will be a cause for celebration at my house.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 09, 2019, 07:24:27 pm »
Yesterday was my last pre-op electrolysis session for 'down below'. One of the hairs treated was astoundingly painful, equal to some of the sutures my doctor dug out of my clitoris about two months ago (eeeek!!!). It was not a pleasant experience. I was scheduled to have a facial laser session today, but both the Meltzer Clinic and the laser folks agreed that it was not a good idea with surgery less than three weeks out, so I canceled the appointment.
This weekend Susan and I will be up in Loveland, CO visiting with two lovely ladies -- Tia and Debi. Most of my time will be spent taking photos at the Mountain States Championship Softball tournament, but we are really looking forward to the visit.
I'm still waiting to hear from my Texas attorney about a court date, I expect a note by the end of the week.
I also recently started a new thread for my next round of surgery on 26 July:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246821.msg2259009.html#msg2259009
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 15, 2019, 09:00:16 pm »
Susan and I had a great weekend with Debi and Tia. We stayed up until around midnight both Friday and Saturday talking and laughing about our lives. Even though we first met only about 16 months ago it was just like being at home with family, because we are family.
The Mountain States Championship softball tournament was amazing! My team, Thunder, went into the tournament ranked #3. All teams played three games Saturday, and at the end of the day Thunder was one of only two undefeated teams. Sunday we played the other undefeated team and lost 12 - 4. However, this was a double elimination tournament. Thunder won the next game, which left just one other team to beat - the one who beat us in the first game of the day. Near the end of the game Thunder was down by four runs, but fought back to a tie when time expired. Thunder then won 11 - 8 after international tie breaker. Since the other team had been undefeated, we now had to play them again for the championship. In game two Thunder was down 6 - 1 and fought back to a score of 6 - 4. At the top of the final inning with time expired, two outs, bases loaded, a Thunder player hit a grand slam! At the bottom of the inning, they held the other from scoring -- Thunder wins the tournament! Mass quantities of ocular leakage followed -- even I shed a few tears of joy!
Today started off painfully, but ended on a positive note. I had a root canal in the morning, then an electrolysis session in the afternoon. After electrolysis I discovered an email from my Texas attorney -- we have a court date! On 15 August I must appear at a court in Dallas, TX for a hearing about my petition for a new birth certificate. Texas does not make this an easy process, but I really want this!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Tia, Debi, Susan, and Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/5Inlj8m.jpg)
« on: July 16, 2019, 07:57:41 pm »
My attorney is going to ask the judge if I need to appear at the hearing. I told her it is extremely important to me, and I would be fine going down in person even though Dallas is an 11 - 12 hour drive (one way) for me. From what my attorney told me, Texas provides a new birth certificate, not an amended one, and the old one is sealed by the court. Getting a new birth certificate will definitely trigger some emotions. I may not tell my parents though, I am concerned it may somehow upset them. I also don't plan on telling them about any of my surgeries either.
I have two necklaces I consider priceless, the one in this photo and a black glass tile with a polychromatic flower. Both necklaces travel with me whenever I leave town. I usually wear them at least once a week, and on special occasions. They were given to me by my a few of my new sisters at an unforgettable event last August.
The young ladies on the softball team left it all on the field Sunday. They have more heart and soul than any team I have ever worked with. The team is in Florida this week for a National tournament. I really wanted to go, but the tournament does not end until 21 July and I need to be in Scottsdale on the 24th. At least my time in Scottsdale will give me a chance to review the 10,000 photos I took during the tournament.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 20, 2019, 07:57:50 am »
A few days ago I was in bed and looked down at my breasts... MY breasts. I touched them, caressed them, held them, and suddenly everything seemed right in my world. I drifted off to sleep as my eyes filled with tears of joy and contentment, knowing that I am now living my impossible dream.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 21, 2019, 02:02:07 pm »
Yesterday Susan and I went shopping, among other things Susan was looking for some new bras. We visited several stores without much luck, but while at the local mall I suggested we try Victoria's Secret. Susan found a few to try on, and their 'bra expert' Kelsey enthusiastically helped Susan find the right size. With Susan in the dressing room, I looked around a bit and spotted a bra I fell in love with. Seeing me with a bra in hand, Kelsey came over and asked 'Want to try it on?'. Sure! Kelsey came into my dressing room to check the fit, and quickly suggested several other styles. After trying on about a dozen bras and selecting a few, I decided to show her my 'before' photo -- she was amazed! Then I told her that Susan was my wife, and Kelsey congratulated us for staying together. After we made our purchase, Kelsey hugged both of us! On the way out of the mall, Susan admitted she had a lot of fun trying on bras with me. I guess that is another rite of passage I can check off my list!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 02, 2019, 06:09:29 am »
Susan and I arrived home last night from our most recent trip to Scottsdale. I wasn't sure I could drive the 800 miles home in one day just six days after my surgeries, but the trip went smoothly. I still have a headache, but it's getting better. We got home around 9:00pm last night, and our daughter Kimberly arrived with her boyfriend (Rob) about three hours later. Rob first met me before my transition, and it seems like the only part of our relationship which changed is that instead of handshakes I now get hugs! Susan and I really like him. This is his first visit to our home, and hopefully there will be more in the future.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 03, 2019, 01:10:11 pm »
I'm still getting used to my new reflection. It is odd not instantly recognizing the face in the mirror. I posted some 'before and after' photos in my 'GCS II and FFS thread' a few minutes ago.
This afternoon I am going to take some photos at a 'Sweet 16' birthday party. I have known the family for about three years, so they are familiar with my background. None of them have seen me since the last round of surgery.
I have another important date on the horizon, a 'prove up' hearing at the Civil District Court in Dallas, TX on 15 August. I am hoping to leave there with a court order for a name and gender change so I can get a new birth certificate. My attorney will be with me.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 05, 2019, 06:09:52 am »
QuoteQuote from: Alaskan Danielle on August 03, 2019, 02:30:33 pm
@Jessica_Rose
Dear Jessica:
I remember the time that I stepped out of my shower and looked in the mirror and saw a blues eyed blonde in the mirror with no indication that I was anything other than a dripping wet naked female looking back at me. I will always have that very fond memory forever.
HUGS,
Danielle
If I got out of the shower and saw a blue-eyed blonde, I would instantly know that I was in the wrong house! You are indeed a beautiful woman Danielle.
The photo shoot for the 'Sweet 16' party went well. The parents of the guest of honor rented a stretch limo, so they were the only adults at the photo shoot other than Susan and I. Danielle, the mom, said I looked great. When the guests got out of the limo, one of the young ladies ran over to me. Hannah gave me a big hug and said she was glad I could make it. Today I am going through some photos from the big softball tournament they recently won. I found a photo of Hannah on first base. Wait, what is that on her wrist... a 'trans pride' bracelet! I recognized it because I had given a few to Danielle about six weeks ago. I had to take a break from reviewing the photos, it's hard to see clearly when you're crying...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 09, 2019, 09:02:38 pm »
I had a checkup with my transgender care doctor in Denver, and Susan went with me. Originally the appointment was to remove staples left over from my recent scalp advancement, but Dr. Ley didn't use any. I decided to keep the appointment anyway so the doctor could make sure everything was healing properly. Dr. W said she was amazed at how my scalp incision looked, she mentioned that in just two weeks my scalp incision has done about three months of healing! You can still see a purplish line where the incision was, but there is just one tiny scab remaining. Dr. W then checked out the labiaplasty, and she couldn't believe that it had been performed just two weeks ago. The good doctor then said that Dr. Ley may just be her new favorite GCS surgeon!
Tomorrow (Saturday) I am going to my hair salon. I have been going to the same stylist ever since I transitioned, and Amy has been awesome! She always asks how my wife and I are doing, and she usually has a few questions related to transitioning. Amy knows I have had some recent surgery, but it will be interesting to see her reaction. People who only see me occasionally don't notice much of a change. People more familiar with me, like Susan and my electrologist, really notice the difference. I expect Amy will definitely notice the change.
Yesterday I made my hotel reservations for my trip to the Courthouse in downtown Dallas, right next to Dealey Plaza -- where JFK was assassinated. I hate heavy traffic, so I'm not looking forward to that aspect of the trip. I have original, signed letters from three therapists (I only need two) along with a notarized letter from Dr. Ley stating that I have had GCS. According to my attorney that will be enough to get a court order for a new birth certificate. The hearing is scheduled for 9:30am on 15 August.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 11, 2019, 02:59:53 pm »
QuoteQuote from: steph2.0 on August 10, 2019, 08:55:04 am
At least I wasn't born in one of those states that allow no changes at all for any reason.
- Stephanie
If I remember correctly, there are three states that don't allow gender to be changed on a birth certificate: Kansas, Tennessee, and Ohio. In some cases the states which issue updated birth certificates mark them as 'amended', while others issue a 'new' birth certificate. From what I have heard, Texas will actually issue a new birth certificate and seal the old one. I can accept having to fulfill several requirements before a new certificate will be issued, but this should be a paperwork exercise -- being required to appear in court after already getting a legal name change and GCS seems like overkill. Those states which do not allow it at all should really get their act together.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 12, 2019, 08:45:51 pm »
My first day back to work went very smoothly. I spoke to a few people who didn't seem to notice anything, others who knew something was different but couldn't say exactly what it was, and a few who said my facial features looked much softer now. My manager, who is also a close friend, said I looked much younger! Personally I thought my lips may be too big, but even my best friends said they looked great. It seems the results of FFS completely met my goals -- the changes were subtle enough that they didn't draw unwanted attention, yet I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. It is liberating to have my own face instead of sharing one with the person I used to be. Just one more big step now, my court hearing in Dallas on Thursday.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 15, 2019, 10:01:02 am »
I now have an original and five certified copies of a Texas court order for a new birth certificate!!!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 16, 2019, 09:22:18 pm »
Thanks everyone! Now for the rest of the story...
Susan and I made it to Dallas around 3:30pm on Wednesday. Chaos, the god of traffic, must have been taking a nap. Traffic was flowing smoothly until we were about two miles from the hotel, when everyone slowed down to 10 - 15 mph. There was no rush, so we just turned the music up a bit and chilled out. After checking in we went to our room and rested for a bit. We had skipped lunch, so decided to eat as soon as the bistro in the hotel opened. At 5:00pm we went to the lobby and checked the menu, the pan seared trout looked nice. Unfortunately the cook had not yet arrived, and the staff didn't know when they would be able to take food orders. We were hungry, and Susan agreed that the Subway across the street would be a good alternative. They didn't have any pan seared trout, but turkey sandwiches were just fine. After supper we walked to a small park next to the hotel and wandered around for about 20 minutes, then went back to the hotel. We were both tired, but we also wanted to clean up a bit. The room had a huge shower, and Susan smiled when I suggested we do something we had not done in a very long time -- shower together. We had a lot of fun, but this is the only photo fit for public display...
(https://i.imgur.com/uHILXAk.jpg)
Thursday was the big day. After getting dressed up for my court appearance we had breakfast at the hotel bistro. After breakfast we freshened up then headed to the courthouse, which was only about 100 yards from the hotel! There was no line at the security checkpoint, and we went straight up to the assigned room. While waiting for the courtroom to open, we checked out the view -- we could see Dealey Plaza and the Book Repository, which figured prominently in JFK's assassination. Around 9:00am our attorney showed up, and she told me how the hearing would proceed. About 15 minutes later we discovered the hearing had been moved to a different room with a different judge, so we headed to the new courtroom and went inside. For about 30 minutes we listed to a judge trying to keep two opposing attorneys under control. Basically, one attorney would say 'the esteemed counsel for the plaintiff is an idiot', and the other would say 'the esteemed counsel for the defendant is a moron'. Eventually the judge called for a recess to listen to my petition,
The judge called my attorney and I up to the bench and swore me in. The attorney asked me several boilerplate questions like 'Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Are you a registered sex offender?' After answering those questions, the judge asked a few standard questions, then signed off on the petition and gave it to my attorney to walk over to the recorder's office. According to Susan the hearing lasted about three and a half minutes. Once the recorder scanned the court order into their system, we went to the records section in the basement, where I ordered five certified copies for a grand total of $15. A few minutes later Susan and I were headed out of the courthouse. Mission accomplished. Just before we left, I stopped for a moment and realized what I had just done, and I was almost overcome with emotion. In a way 'he' had finally ended his life, and in turn set me free to live my life. One of these days I will let the enormity of this sink in, but there are still some loose ends to take care of...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/N2Ub4zG.jpg)
« on: August 19, 2019, 02:04:39 pm »
These last few weeks have kept Susan and I pretty busy -- my surgery in Scottsdale followed by a drive to Dallas for a court appearance. Yesterday we had a welcome break, a visit from Laurie and Michelle! They were only able to stay for one day, but it's always nice to have a visit from good friends.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Laurie, Susan, Jessica Rose, Michelle
(https://i.imgur.com/FZJAVLY.jpg)
« on: September 04, 2019, 07:19:49 pm »
Wow, I didn't realize it has been over two weeks since my last post. I have been keeping busy with electrolysis appointments, laser appointments, taking photos at softball games, and life. This post isn't that exciting, but isn't that what transitioning is about -- eventually getting your life back to normal?
I noticed The Texas Dept of Vital statistics cashed the check for my new birth certificates on Aug 28. So far I have not heard from them, so I am assuming all the paperwork is in order. On Aug 30 I got a summons for jury duty, at least they got my name right!
On Monday (Sep 2nd) I decided to tackle some issues around the house. First on the list, some decking which was showing signs of rot. Some of the screws were so rusted they looked like nails because the threads were gone. I pulled up the first piece of decking only to discover the support under it was also rotting. We decided to call in the professionals on this one!
Next were some roots from a spruce tree which had lifted up a section of our driveway. After raking back the gravel and pulling up the weedblock, we discovered four roots which needed to go. One was only about an inch in diameter, another about two inches, a third was two and a half inches, and the last root was four and a half inches across. Within minutes of starting work, a neighbor we had never met stopped by and offered to help. He went home and came back a few minutes later with a bow saw and cut the two largest roots for us. I'm still wondering if seeing two 'damsels in distress' helped with this situation.
Yesterday I discovered that I am scheduled to attend a tech conference in San Jose, CA on 2 - 4 Oct. I am looking forward to it. Maybe I will run across a few people I worked with in the past, it could be fun! I also visited my electrologist, and she finally got to see the new landscaping by Dr. Ley. My electrologist has only worked down below on one other post-op woman, and she said there was simply no comparison. She was amazed at Dr. Ley's work and couldn't figure out how the good doctor was able to make things look so natural.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 05, 2019, 07:06:15 pm »
I had the 15th laser hair removal treatment on my face today, it was also probably my last. They told me to come back whenever I need a touch-up, but after 15 sessions I doubt any more treatments will make a difference. Facial laser treatments are quite uncomfortable. Even four hours after the session my face still feels sunburned, and for some reason the last few treatments have put me in a bad mood which lasted several hours. I think the treatments helped a little, but facial hair can be very stubborn. I'll let my electrologist take care of any facial hair from now on.
I also finally decided to try dilator #4 again. After tearing a few sutures during my first attempt about a month ago I decided to back off for a while. I warmed up with the tapered #3 dilator, and #4 went in without drama. It took a few minutes to reach full depth, but from what I can tell my depth is the same as it was prior to GCS II. There are only a few sutures still hanging around, most of the others vanished over the last week.
I still don't know if I will be speaking at my company's National Coming Out Day Event this year, but I am hopeful.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 08, 2019, 08:20:20 pm »
Today Susan and I attended a pre-season banquet for the club softball team I usually photograph. All of the team members from last season are returning, which is pretty rare. The coach presented t-shirts to commemorate winning the Mountain States Championship. All of the coaches and team members received a shirt, then they presented one to me! Each player also received a custom-printed flash drive with over 12,000 photos I had taken during the season.
At the end of the meeting I was talking to one of the moms and mentioned there had been a lot of changes in my life these last few years, she asked 'like what?'. Some of the girls on the team knew me pre-transition, so I assumed her daughter had told her. Apparently she had no idea. I decided to show her my 'before and after' photo. She looked at the photos and said, 'Oh, you lost your hair?' I said 'Um, no...' After a few more seconds she finally figured it out! We talked a while longer and she seemed to be very accepting. I guess I need to stop assuming everyone knows my background, that may be the only way I can break away from my past.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 16, 2019, 09:02:57 am »
Susan and I are in the middle of a long, but short trip. We left home on Friday and spent the night in Cedar City, UT. When we were taking our luggage back to our car a nice gentleman offered to carry our suitcase down the stairs! I used to reject offers like this, but now I always accept -- just another benefit of womanhood!
Friday we made it to our first destination, a visit with Susan's brother and his wife in Bakersfield. We had not seen them in at least 16 years, so the visit was overdue. Frank and Jackie were happy to see us, and it was like no time had passed since our last visit. Other than some accidental dead naming and misgendering, which I quickly forgave, it was a great visit. Unfortunately we had to leave early Sunday morning for our primary destination...
On Sunday we drove up to visit @Michelle_P , @Laurie , and their temporary houseguest fresh from her visit with Dr. Bowers -- @steph2.0 !!! We had an added bonus of meeting @Jessica as well. Stephanie was napping when we arrived, but she woke up soon after. Michelle told her that Jessica was here for a visit, then Susan and I stepped in to her room. Stephanie was nearly overcome with surprise and joy when she saw us. Susan and I gave her a few small gifts, including some dark chocolate! We had a great time chatting the rest of the day, but too soon it was time for bed.
Susan and I need to leave early today, we hope to make it to Salt Lake City this evening, then get home early enough to get our furry children from the kennel. We did take a group photo, which I will post after we get home.
The entire trip will take around 38 hours on the road and cover about 2700 miles, but the look on Stephanie's face when she saw us was priceless.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 21, 2019, 02:56:29 pm »
We made it home on Tuesday in plenty of time to retrieve our furry kids from the kennel. Wednesday afternoon I took photos at a softball game. It was a fun game for us, we won 25 - 10. Thursday I had an electrolysis session, and Friday afternoon I had to take our car in for service. Just as we left Michelle's apartment the master switch for the passenger window failed, but the switch on the passenger door still worked. I needed to get that fixed before my next trip! Today was another softball game for a different high school. One of their coaches has always been nice to me, and she had asked me to take some photos at one of their games. This afternoon I will be taking some homecoming photos for another friend.
I will be returning to Michelle's place for a few days before my upcoming conference in San Jose. My current plan is to arrive late afternoon on Sep 27 and hang around until Oct 1, then head down to San Jose. Hopefully I will get to meet a few more friends from Susan's Place while I am out there.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
As promised, here is one of the group photos from my visit...
Left to right - Jessica Rose, Michelle, Susan, Laurie, Stephanie, and Jessica
(https://i.imgur.com/61hun1Y.jpg)
« on: September 25, 2019, 09:33:24 pm »
I am still packing for my trip tomorrow. I used to be really good packing only what I need, but now I have so many more options I always take way more than necessary! As usual I am driving. I plan to arrive at Michelle's place Friday afternoon (Sep 27) and hang out there until Tuesday afternoon (Oct 1), then I will head to San Jose for my conference. As soon as the conference ends Friday afternoon (Oct 4) I will be headed back home. If anyone in the San Francisco Bay area would like to get together while I'm in the neighborhood, please send me a PM and hopefully we can work out a good time and place to meet.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 11, 2019, 03:38:03 am »
I will be sending out this note at work today, to those who provided support and encouragement during my transition. I figured if they cared enough to show support, they may also be interested to know how I am doing....
Today is the second anniversary of the day I came out to my manager. Within days I began thinking about the day I would tell everyone. The thought filled me with a joy I had never known. I told my manager that I felt like a five-year-old and every day was Christmas Eve.
Two years have passed. Christmas is over. The wrapping paper, boxes, and bows have been picked up. The decorations have been put away. Our guests have gone home. The excitement has faded. Now it is just my wife and I. Our lives slowly returning to normal, yet our lives will never, can never, be the same.
I received a special gift. One which can't be returned or put back in the closet. One I had dreamed about. One I had thought to be impossible. As with many gifts, some assembly was required. A little surgery, dozens of medical appointments, hundreds of electrolysis sessions, and thousands of tears. My wife also paid a heavy price. The cost was high, but the result... the result was priceless. After all, how can you put a price on your own life?
I would like to share a haiku I wrote earlier this year, my first since high school...
His mind fraught with pain.
Protecting her all his life.
In darkness she waits.
Consumed with anger,
He sensed his end approaching.
He must set her free.
He shared his secret.
Gentle light now bathed her soul.
She began to grow.
Soon she became strong.
For her to bloom, he must fade.
His silent goodbye.
Surgery finished.
Reminders of him are gone.
His journey complete.
Her soul emerges.
Painful memories recede.
She is free to be.
Awake from her sleep.
Her mind and body align.
Her eyes open wide.
At last, I am she.
A new world beckons me on.
My journey begins.
I am now the person I dreamed to be, the person I always should have been. I can't change my past or forget all those years hiding in darkness, but now I am free to live the rest of my life as myself. Soon, I will have a new birth certificate which states that on July 27, many years ago, a little girl named Jessica Rose was born.
This has been a difficult journey, but I was never alone. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for a very special person. I don't know how she found the strength to stay with me, through decades of anger and rage, but true love knows no bounds. For over 35 years she has stood by my side -- for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. I owe my life to this special person, my best friend, my wife -- Susan.
Love always --Jessica Rose
« on: October 18, 2019, 08:03:20 pm »
On Sept 26 I hit the road to California again. I spent the first night in Salt Lake City and the next morning finally got to see the Bonneville Salt Flats in daylight! The contrast between the white salt flats and the hills behind them was actually beautiful. I made it safely to Michelle's place around 4:00pm Friday (Sept 27). The traffic was not as bad as I had expected. Laurie helped me take way too much luggage up to Michelle's apartment, but all was forgiven when I brought out the dark chocolate. @Michelle_P , @Laurie , @steph2.0 and I spent the rest of the evening in conversation.
Saturday morning, @Kendra , @Saha , and Beth arrived for a visit. It was great seeing Kendra again, and finally meeting Saha and Beth was icing on the cake. They couldn't stay long, but any time I get to spend with my sisters and their family is treasured. In the evening we met up with @Jessica and @AllieSF for dinner at a local pizza shop. Although we all agreed the pizza was a bit overpriced (Laurie was certain that it wasn't pizza), spending the evening together was well worth it.
On Sunday, Michelle treated us to brunch at Scott's Seafood. It was a buffet of just about any breakfast food you could think of. The brunch included bottomless mimosas! Monday, Stephanie and I did a little shopping. Although my wife says I have enough dresses, I found one that I just couldn't pass up! I also bought a few new tops.
Tuesday I planned to head down to San Jose for my conference, but first Michelle took us to an apple orchard near Placerville. It was a bit chilly, but we enjoyed browsing through the vendors stalls. I think all of us wound up buying something! Before we left the orchard, Michelle bought some apple fritters for us to share. We got back to town around 5:00pm, and it was time for me to pack up and head to San Jose.
After spending all day in meetings, Wednesday evening I drove up to San Francisco to meet AllieSF again. We had not been able to talk much at the pizza shop, and we really wanted to get to know each other better. I wasn't able to get to our meeting place until around 8:00pm, but I am so glad that I went. Allie and I talked about our journeys, our families, and our lives for the next four hours! I didn't get back to my hotel until after 1:00am, but it was time well spent.
I had not attended a technical conference in about 10 years, and I learned quite a bit. On Wednesday I wore the new black and red dress I had bought a few days earlier, and on Thursday I wore a short black and red dress over black leggings. On Friday I decided to wear jeans since I planned to head out of town after lunch. One of the male attendees saw me Friday and asked 'What, no red dress today?' It was nice to know someone had taken notice! Another guy I had met on Wednesday started chatting with me during breakfast. I mentioned something about being bad with names, and he said he used 'word association' to help remember names. Then he said something I will never forget, his mnemonic for me was 'Jessica Rabbit'!!!
After lunch it was time to leave. Traffic was already bad, but I made it to Winnemucca, NV around 8:00pm. The next day (Oct 5) I arrived home.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jessica Rose, Saha, Stephanie, Laurie, Kendra, and Beth
(https://i.imgur.com/J95RVcg.jpg)
There is a lot of nothing in northern Nevada, and I saw most of it.
(https://i.imgur.com/XkONRLP.jpg)
« on: October 21, 2019, 08:01:04 pm »
I was able to rest Sunday (Oct 6), if packing for another trip counts as rest. On Monday morning Susan and I hit the road for Cleveland, OH. The drive was uneventful and the weather was good. We spent the night in Des Moines, IA and made it to Cleveland Tuesday evening. One observation -- Illinois bills itself as the 'Land of Lincoln', I think it would be more appropriate to bill itself the 'Land of Tolls'. If you get within 50 miles of Chicago you will understand.
Wednesday was a normal day at work, except our DBA group invited Susan and I out for lunch. They always take me out to lunch when I'm in town, yet the team I am a member of never does... hmmm. Thursday was the National Coming Out Day event. Susan and I arrived early because I knew the auditorium would fill up fast. A few minutes after we took our seats, two of the folks presenting their stories introduced themselves to us. We had never met them, but they told us that I was the reason they were there that day -- they were both inspired by my story last year. Several others stopped by and thanked me for attending again. The event was a mixture of tears and laughter as five people told their stories that day. At the end of the event, our Chief Marketing Officer mentioned how he was embarrassed at last year's event because he was supposed to provide closing remarks but the stories had left him speechless!
After the event Susan and I mingled outside the auditorium. Several people came over and introduced themselves and told us how my story last year had affected them, many of the stories brought tears to my eyes. It was great to hear that my story had helped so many people. Our Chief Marketing Officer even came over and game me a 'high five', then let me know that it was my presentation last year that had made him speechless! After an hour or so Susan and I headed back to the hotel to pack up for our next stop, a visit with our daughter in Madison, WI.
We left Cleveland around 9:00am Friday and arrived in Madison around 4:30pm. We had just enough time to check in and unpack before our daughter (Emily) took us to her boyfriend house for supper (let's call him RJ). Susan and I had never met RJ, but within about 30 seconds he had won us over. He had done most of the cooking that afternoon, and he had a great sense of humor! Emily had filled him in about me, and all night long he got my name and pronouns correct. Emily had a class Saturday morning, so RJ took us over to the local farmer's market. It was a bit chilly, but we really enjoyed it. Susan and I left with some fresh apples, a selection of jams and jellies, and a quart of maple syrup! After lunch we visited the Mustard Museum in Middleton. Believe it or not, there are hundreds of varieties of mustard! We bought a few varieties for friends back in Colorado.
Susan and I left Madison around 1:30pm on Sunday, both in agreement that Emily had found a great companion to spend time with. We spent the night in Omaha, and made it back home around 4:00pm Monday afternoon. Our next long trip will be a visit to Louisiana for Thanksgiving.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 22, 2019, 05:33:33 am »
Something profound is going to happen today, it almost happened yesterday. I had gone to my electrolysis appointment, but before getting out of the car I checked my email. There it was, a note from dshs.texas.gov -- those of you following my story can probably guess what this is about. I started crying in the car, I nearly had a meltdown. To some of you it may sound like an overreaction, but I am an extremely tactile person -- if I can see it, if I can touch it, that makes it real. My reality is coming via Fed Ex overnight in an envelope, delivery should occur within the next five hours. An error made 57 years, 2 months, and 25 days ago will finally be corrected. I will have proof in my hands that on July 27 all those years ago, a little girl named Jessica Rose was born. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. When I finally hold that piece of paper in my hands my life will finally be real. I will be real. Jessica Rose will be real.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 22, 2019, 09:23:29 am »
The envelope has arrived, just holding it has brought forth tears that I can barely control. I know I just need to let go...
Maybe soon I will gain the strength to open this...
(https://i.imgur.com/Q89CP84.jpg)
« on: October 22, 2019, 09:48:04 am »
I see the envelope sitting there. I know what's inside. Even without opening it my tears are nearly uncontrollable. It is something I have waited for nearly since birth. Yet there it sits, unopened. Why? It marks the end of a journey for part of me, the part who hid me and protected me all of those years. Opening the envelope marks the end of his journey. It will finally release my soul from the darkness, and as the door closes 'he' will be sentenced to the same darkness she endured. I don't hate him. He did his best to protect me, and now his sacrifice will be complete. I want to let go, I need to let go, yet I am frightened.
Her world full of fear.
Protecting her all his life.
In darkness he waits.
Her fear calls to him.
His soul awakens once more.
He must protect her.
Roused from the darkness,
His anger augments her strength.
She conquers her fears.
The danger now passed.
She is safe, he sleeps once more.
In darkness he waits.
« on: October 22, 2019, 07:35:53 pm »
Opening the envelope had to wait. Even though I was working from home today, it was still a workday. Once my workday was complete I had a laser appointment, some shopping at Target, then grocery shopping. Finally, around 5:30pm it was time (I redacted some data for privacy)...
The envelope please...
(https://i.imgur.com/jn7JiCB.jpg)
Let's open it up to see what's inside...
(https://i.imgur.com/16Pqj43.jpg)
OMG, my new birth certificate stating Jessica Rose was born a FEMALE all those years ago...
(https://i.imgur.com/2vTSfAo.jpg)
I was able to keep it together long enough for a photo or two...
(https://i.imgur.com/1AqdS38.jpg)
« on: October 24, 2019, 07:31:07 am »
I want to thank everyone for their warm wishes, I really needed them this morning. Yesterday it was in the 50's and sunny, this morning I woke up to 23 degrees and about six inches of snow! Despite having two boys in the house (whippets) I still do most of the shoveling, although Susan does a good share as well. We do occasionally get snow in October, but even for Colorado Springs it is a bit early for this much snow.
It was still dark when I took this photo, about 1.5 hours before sunrise. For those who like technical details: Canon 5D mk IV, 1/15sec, iso 20000, 35mm, f/3.5, handheld
(https://i.imgur.com/qZXtbXQ.jpg)
« on: November 12, 2019, 07:11:57 pm »
Thanks for the compliments
@JudiBlueEyes and @AllieSF ! I'm an early riser, it's rare that I sleep past 4:00am. Been like that for about 10 years now.
Everything has been going well. Part of the main support structure of our deck was beginning to rot, so we hired a contractor to tear out the old deck and build a new one. He is almost done, and it really looks nice. I had jury duty last week and was selected as a juror. The second day of the trial was rather short, the prosecutor withdrew all changes. You would think charges of assault and kidnapping wouldn't have been made without some evidence...
Yesterday I had an electrolysis session with my 'new' electrologist. My original electrologist, CJ, is retiring. For the last two years CJ has been looking for someone she could trust, someone who would work with the LGBT+ community. About six months ago she found Kris. Kris recently returned from electrolysis training in California, and she has been practicing a bit on CJ! Our session went very well, and I think Kris is even more meticulous than CJ. Our session was scheduled for 90 minutes, but I was her last customer of the day so she kept working until she was satisfied. She completely cleared my face, neck, and chest in the nearly three-hour session! CJ is literally giving the business to Kris because she was so happy to find someone who will continue supporting our community.
Today we had someone repair our fireplace. We had only used it two or three times, but apparently the previous inhabitants somehow caused a bit of damage -- the chimney sweep said it was unsafe to use. I went to the DMV this afternoon for yet another new drivers license, my fourth since going full-time! My previous license was pre-FFS, and I wanted them to add a 'veteran' designation on my license. I had to provide a copy of my DD-214 along with the court order for a name change, but they added the 'veteran' stamp without issue.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 21, 2019, 07:30:41 pm »
Monday I had another electrolysis session with Kris, this one only lasted two hours. She cleared my face, neck, chest, and undercarriage. Kris did manage to find a new, exquisitely painful area which needed attention, my hood! She got the large hairs, but she suggested we leave the small ones for my next visit so I can be better prepared.
When I got home there was a letter from the DMV, my new drivers license arrived. I think they made a mistake, it has a photo of a beautiful woman on it, surely that can't be me! The license includes a 'Veteran' designator above the US Air Force seal.
Yesterday, for the Transgender Day of Remembrance, our LGBT+ group sent out an email to commemorate the day. One of the things they included was the poem I posted when I awoke from GCS. Several people sent me emails about the poem, and many said it made them cry. One of the people who sent a note was in HR, and she told me that when she is not at work, she is a therapist for transgender teens! I told her that she was my hero!!!
If you want to read the poem, it's here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,244488.msg2229428.html#msg2229428
Susan and I are packing for yet another trip, we are going to visit our relatives in Louisiana for Thanksgiving. None of them have seen me since the last round of surgery, so it will be interesting if any of them notice a change.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 01, 2019, 02:54:21 pm »
Thanks
@JudiBlueEyes , @AllieSF , and
@Stepheewt ! Susan and I hope all of you also had a nice Thanksgiving.
Susan and I got home yesterday afternoon. Our trip to Louisiana went well, except I was sick the entire trip. Around midnight our first day on the road I was struck with a fever. The next morning, I felt reasonable, but every afternoon the fever returned. Two days in a row my fever was over 103 degrees. I slept alone in an attempt to keep Susan from catching whatever I had. I also woke up dripping with sweat several times each night. I was able to attend Thanksgiving dinner at my niece's house, but I didn't talk much - talking would induce a fit of coughing. We left for home around noon on Friday, and Friday night was the first time I had slept through the night since we started the trip. I am feeling better today, hopefully whatever I had will not return soon.
Other than getting sick, our trip went well. No one noticed any of my surgeries, or if they did they just didn't mention it. I still find it hard to believe. December 28th will mark three years since I discovered the source of my anger. Three years ago, I thought transitioning would be impossible, now it seems a distant memory...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 04, 2019, 08:26:08 pm »
Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on December 01, 2019, 05:15:45 pm
QuoteI'm sorry to read you were ill. I can imagine it was terrible. I'm glad you are feeling better.
I think that its good that no one mentioned anything. What would they say anyway? Time does fly for us and the ways of the past seem so far away and long ago.
Hugs, Judi
I agree that no one mentioning anything was a good sign. It does seem that the beginning of this journey was a lifetime ago...
Nicole, you have come a long way, and you are off to a great start. In another year or two you will look back and wonder why you didn't start sooner! Like many others, you may discover that the biggest obstacle to overcome is yourself.
Sunday evening I got a text from my sister-in-law, my Mom broke her leg! On Monday a surgeon implanted a rod into her femur. She will be in the hospital for several more days and is expected to need 3 - 6 months of rehab. I am concerned about both parents, because my Dad does not do well without Mom being near. Next year will be their 65th anniversary.
Monday morning our garage door opener failed. Apparently, the main drive gear sheared off. Tuesday afternoon we had a local company install a new garage door opener.
Monday afternoon I set a record! Kris, my new electrologist, didn't have any appointments scheduled after me, so we decided to stay as long as necessary to get a good clearing. I was not expecting a four-hour session! I guess that was payback for taking a vacation.
I had an appointment with the light saber lady today. In addition to clearing my arms, she spot-checked my thighs. As luck would have it, she found the really sensitive spots on the backs of both thighs!
What we go through to become who we were meant to can be painful, but the physical pain is usually temporary and much preferred over the psychological pain we endured while hiding our souls in darkness for so long.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 24, 2019, 08:45:41 pm »
Our Christmas will be delayed a bit this year. Although Kimberly is home for winter break, Emily and her boyfriend will not arrive until Dec 30. We will probably open a few gifts tomorrow, but will save the majority for Emily's visit.
Everything has been moving along reasonably well. My Mom is still in a care facility recovering from surgery to repair her broken leg. We aren't sure when she will be able to go home. Some of the medications she is on are really playing games with her mind.
I had been planning to end this thread soon, but since it has been converted into a blog I guess I will keep it going. Just a few more days will mark my third anniversary of discovering and accepting who I really am. I have been working on a post to commemorate that special day and will post it on Dec 28.
Although I am a bit early, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, or a joyous celebration of whatever this time of year means to you and your loved ones.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I decided to dress a bit more festive for work today...
(https://i.imgur.com/dajOqcy.jpg)
« on: December 28, 2019, 05:53:32 pm »
Today marks three years since I discovered my true nature. I made a post in the 'Transitioning' forum to mark the occasion: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246827.msg2259086.html#msg2259086
The sort version - I'm done. I will hang around the forums, try to be helpful, and occasionally post updates on my life, but it's also time to move on. My deepest thanks to all who have offered advice and held my hand along the way. I hope those who follow find something useful in what I have written.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 31, 2019, 06:40:51 pm »
Nicole, don't worry, I won't be a stranger.
Steph, I'm certain our paths will cross many times in the future. I don't know about being a 'star' though. That weekend we seven sisters (Michelle, Laurie, Kendra, Steph, Cassie, Susan, and I) spent in Loveland, I felt like a roadie who was accidentally invited to the Grammy Awards. It opened my eyes, and Susan's eyes, to the possibilities of our evolving relationship.
This has been an incredible year. It started with nervous anticipation of surgery, which was followed by a long recovery, then even more surgery, and eventually a shiny new birth certificate. Now as the year ends, Susan and I are still in love, and both of our daughters are home for the holidays. Emily even brought her boyfriend along! I don't know how this year could have gone any better. As a child I dreamed an impossible dream, and this year my dream came true. I don't know what my future holds, but at least for a little while I am living in a perfect moment of my life, where peace, joy, and contentment reign. I hope everyone at least once in their life can experience a moment like this.
My love to all of you -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 22, 2020, 07:04:08 pm »
Everything has been going reasonably well so far this year. Last week I had some oral surgery, an apicoectomy. I have had three root canals on that tooth over the last 14 years, and the pain returned with a vengeance about three weeks ago. Hopefully the procedure will take care of it once and for all.
While exercising today, I watched 'After Earth', not one of Will Smith's better movies. However, there is a quote from that movie that speaks to many of us:
"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is the product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Now do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice."
We sometimes allow fear to control our lives, and we wind up living our entire lives under that dark cloud. To live your life as the person you were born to be, you must find the strength to conquer your fear. Fear kept me in hiding for decades, but eventually I overcame my fear and became who I was meant to be. Follow your heart, be fearless, and live your life as the person you know yourself to be.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 29, 2020, 05:13:45 pm »
My life has been a mixed bag lately.
Good: Today I found out that I will be getting a raise starting with my next paycheck!
Bad: I have been fighting with Experian for five days. I set up an account with Experian, and all the information they have on me is correct. When my bank (USAA) tries to pull a credit report, Experian responds that they can't validate my identity, but then they dock my credit score four points for the inquiry! Experian claims the problem is with USAA, but USAA says the problem is with Experian. Apparently other USAA customers have recently reported the same issue. USAA and Experian claim to be working on it.
Ugly: My Mom's recovery from her broken leg is not going well. She was moved out of the rehab facility and back into the hospital today. She isn't eating, and she seems to have given up. I am hopeful she will get better care in the hospital and her condition will improve, but I am very concerned. My parents don't know that I have a new birth certificate, and I wasn't planning to tell them. Now I'm wondering if I should tell my Mom that she gave birth to a daughter all those years ago.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 02, 2020, 06:26:28 am »
My Mom is doing better now, but I'm still concerned.
After several additional phone calls to my bank and Experian, we may have identified the problem - my dead name. Experian shows both my name and my dead name under my social security number, which is causing some confusion. I have sent them a letter explaining the different names and asked them to merge the files under my current name. I also provided copies of my name change court order, and my old and new drivers' license. I only had to say my dead name twice. I had expected that my dead name would just slowly fade away, but apparently some companies never forget. Hopefully this will resolve the issue.
It has been a while since I took photos of Susan and myself. Since we were both dressed up a bit yesterday, I corrected that oversight...
(https://i.imgur.com/fAefmSw.jpg)
« on: February 05, 2020, 03:40:25 pm »
Two years ago today, I legally became Jessica Rose. A lot has happened over those last two years, but now all the big stuff is done. My life is back on track, just not the track it used to be on. I don't know what lies ahead, but I know it is better than the past I left behind. Some days I still can't believe what I have done, but every day I look in the mirror and smile.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 06, 2020, 07:44:49 pm »
I got some heartbreaking news today. My Mom broke her leg a few days after Thanksgiving and has been either in the hospital or a rehab facility ever since. Today they did a CT scan, and she has been diagnosed with cancer. It has metastasized, and there is nothing more they can do. My parents live in Louisiana, so Susan and I will be heading down tomorrow to visit for a few days. I'm trying not to think about it, but knowing this will probably be the last time I can talk to her is tough...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 10, 2020, 03:02:54 pm »
My thanks to
@Maddie ,
@Donica ,
@davina61 ,
@randim , and
@Stepheewt (Nicole).
The trip was uneventful, but much shorter than originally planned. In good weather it's a 14-hour drive, one way. We arrived at my Mom's care facility Saturday afternoon and spent about two hours with her. We then picked up supper and took it to my parent's house. After supper, we unpacked the car, then checked the weather along our return route. A new storm was now forecast to hit Monday night. We checked the weather again Sunday morning, and decided we needed to leave after lunch Sunday to get home before the storm hit.
We did spend a few more hours with my Mom Sunday morning before we had to leave, but it was difficult. Her doctor said she could have two weeks, or two months. We will try to visit again if possible, but closing her door when we left was painful. How do you say goodbye to someone who has loved and cared for you your entire life? It's possible I was seeing my Mom for the last time... sorry, but I have to step away for a while. I used to be able to ignore any emotion other than anger, but estrogen has caused an inversion. I rarely get angry, but all those other emotions are really hard to control...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 19, 2020, 04:46:45 pm »
Julie H and Nicole, thanks for your concern.
My sister-in law called. My mom is getting weaker by the day. Today my dad called every family member and told them it's time to come. We expect my mom only has a few days left. Susan and I plan to leave tomorrow morning, once the roads clear from the snow we are expecting tonight.
I always thought my mom would be around many more years. After all, she has always been there for me. It is painful that she never got to know the real me. She may have seen glimpses through the years, but it has only been two years since I broke out of my old shell and started to become the woman I was born to be. In fact, today is the second anniversary of my first day at work as Jessica Rose. Although my dad didn't ask, I have drafted an obituary for my mom. I plan to go through some older photos tonight and print out a few. It's tough to lose someone who you have known your entire life, who has always been there when you needed them. Soon this constant force in my life will be gone...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 25, 2020, 05:12:56 am »
My dad called from the care facility about 15 minutes ago. My mom passed away in her sleep last night.
« on: February 25, 2020, 10:03:31 am »
Susan and I helped pack up mom's room. Within minutes of getting back to my parents house, an uncontrollable coldness came over me. Whatever the extreme opposite of euphoria is, that's what I felt. I have been in bed trying to get warm, I put on a parka and a robe, but it didn't help much. The one constant source of love and warmth in my life has been extinguished. I wasn't ready for it...
« on: March 06, 2020, 10:22:39 am »
It has been a long time since my last post, but a lot has happened. I'll try to keep it short.
At 5:50am Tuesday morning, my dad called from the care facility, he was with my mom when she took her last breath. We went to the facility a few hours later to clear out my moms room. As soon as we got back to my parent's house, a freight train called 'flu' hit me head on. At the same time, I realized the one constant source of love and warmth in my life, was now gone. I was in bed the rest of the day. Wearing a sweater, jacket, vest, and parka, yet shivering most of the time.
My mom's funeral was on 29 February. Dozens of people attended, and there were many relatives I had not seen in at least 40 years. Some knew about me, others didn't. Since I wasn't feeling well, I stayed away from the crowds. A few people came over to talk, but since all I could do was whisper, the conversations were short. One uncle kept looking over at me, probably trying to figure out who I was. I didn't want to explain things, so I simply avoided him. I didn't have any negative encounters with anyone.
We left for home on Monday (1 March), but both of us felt terrible. I was able to get to a clinic at work on Wednesday and was diagnosed with pneumonia. While in line for prescriptions, I happened to be behind a co-worker. He said I looked exhausted, and gave me his place in line. The next day he brought us some homemade turkey soup! He said that I looked a lot better, and that the day before he thought I looked like 'death'. I told him I wish I felt as good as I looked!
I took Susan to an urgent care facility, and she was diagnosed with an upper respiratory tract infection. We are slowly getting better, but I have a feeling recovery will take a few weeks for both of us.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: March 16, 2020, 03:18:59 pm »
Susan and I are still recovering, but we are in significantly better condition than we were last week. Another week or so and we should be back to normal.
I do have some good news for a change. My daughter Emily and her boyfriend RJ went on a trip to Antarctica. On March 10, while in Antarctica, RJ proposed to Emily, and she accepted! When they visited us for New Year's, RJ and I were alone in the basement, and he asked if it would be OK to propose to Emily. Of course, I said 'yes', but then I had to keep the secret! Susan and I, along with the rest of my family, really like RJ. We are all happy that Emily and RJ found each other.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: March 23, 2020, 09:11:16 am »
Three years. It has been three years since I started my journey. In the beginning my goal seemed impossible, so far away that I would never reach it. Now it seems as something that happened long ago. The 'before' times seem like a bad dream with occasional bright spots -- my marriage to Susan and the birth of our daughters Emily and Kimberly. I still have those days when the lines between who I am and who I was are blurred. Sometimes I look at my reflection and cry, thinking about all of those years wasted 'before'. There are also joyful days when I realize I have finally awakened from the nightmare my life used to be, days when I can celebrate just being myself. I still think what I have done is incredible, unbelievable -- but it really did happen.
My sincere thanks to Susan's Place and all of those who gave advice along the way, your help made it possible for me to reach my destination. I hope each of you can find a path through the wilderness of life, and allow your soul to escape the darkness and dance in the sun.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: March 27, 2020, 10:01:05 pm »
Some good news today. Our daughter Emily and her boyfriend RJ took a trip to Antarctica earlier this month. While there, RJ proposed, and Emily accepted! Unfortunately, due to COVID-19, they were quarantined on board their cruise ship for about a week at a port in southern Argentina. They were finally able to get off the ship in Buenos Aires, but since most international flights were being canceled, they couldn't get a flight out of the country. Today they finally got a non-stop flight from Buenos Aires to Miami. Although they still have over a thousand miles to go, at least they are back in the US!
Ever since I became Jessica, I have worn makeup any time I left the house. I felt I needed it to be accepted. Earlier this month while I was still battling pneumonia, I was so weak that putting on makeup just wasn't possible. We really needed some groceries, so for the first time ever I went shopping without makeup. Guess what? No one cared. I still got ma'amed everywhere, and I was never misgendered. That first day out with no makeup, I actually stopped in the middle of an aisle, grabbed a shelf to steady myself, and cried. Three years ago, I didn't think I would ever reach this point in my life, but I realized that I am now accepted as a woman everywhere I go, even without my makeup. Dreams do come true.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 05, 2020, 12:27:46 pm »
Although for the most part everything is going well, it seems we are still in a rough patch. One of our whippets, Charles, developed a neurological issue over a year ago. Based on the symptoms, we believe he has degenerative myelopathy. It's basically the canine version of Lou Gehrig's disease. Charles can't walk anymore, and when he stands his front paws are knuckled under. We have taken him to our vet, and there is nothing she can do. We think the time is coming soon for one last visit to the vet. We don't look forward to that day, but he has been a wonderful companion and we don't want him to suffer.
Based on current events, I guess we do have some good news. My job is secure (I'm working from home), Susan and I have mostly recovered from our respiratory issues, and we are not struggling to find toilet paper. We have also met another member of Susan's Place. Sophia has visited with us twice over the last few months. It always great to meet another member of the unicorn herd!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 17, 2020, 11:33:32 am »
This is a difficult post for me. Later today we will be saying goodbye to a family companion. Charles, one of our whippets, had a neurological issue similar to ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) which slowly robbed him of the ability to walk and control his muscles. We took him to the vet about two weeks ago to see if there was anything that could be done. The vet offered some medication, which we accepted, but the vet did not have much confidence it would help. Charles seemed to get a little better at first, but it was just wishful thinking. Charles continued to deteriorate, and there were no other options left. It was a tearful decision for us, but our vet agreed it was time. This afternoon at 3:00pm MT, we will be taking Charles to the vet one more time. It is the last thing we can do for him, so he can rest in peace. Charles was a member of our family for over 11 years, and he will be greatly missed.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 19, 2020, 08:19:09 am »
Soon our household will be down to three, Susan, myself, and Prince (Charles' brother). Our youngest daughter, Kimberly, will be graduating with a Masters Degree in Biology next month. Due to COVID-19, there will not be a graduation ceremony. She accepted an offer from the Texas Department of State Health Services. Sometime within the next few weeks, I will be helping her move to Austin, TX. I can tell she is both excited and a bit nervous, but we are confident she will do well.
It's interesting how your life can be on autopilot for so many years. We just cruise along the route we have always taken, anticipating what our future holds. Suddenly, the road we were on is closed and we must take a detour. Now we no longer know what we will encounter along our route. We can either be frightened and just stare at the road ahead in fearful anticipation, or we can look beyond the road and enjoy the scenery along our new route. Choose to find joy in your journey.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 25, 2020, 05:41:36 am »
Another reminder of 'him' will soon be gone. I sold my 1987 Monte Carlo SS Aerocoupe, and will be splitting the proceeds with our daughters. After having owned it for over 30 years it was almost a family member -- we had it since before our daughters were born. On average we drove it less than 1000 miles a year, and I doubt it traveled that far in the last 5 years. It just sat in the garage most of the time.
On Thursday we dropped by our vet's office to pick up Charles' ashes and a plaster paw print. Susan started to open the box in the car, but I asked her not too. Charles was a great companion, but those reminders would just be too painful for me right now. Charles' brother Prince was somewhat sad for a day or two, but he seems to be doing fine now.
I had my yearly checkup yesterday, and the doctor spent much more time with me than usual. I discussed my bout with pneumonia, and based on my symptoms she suspects I had COVID-19. The lab tests won't be back for a few days, but everything seems to be fine. She did not order a COVID-19 antibody test at this time because she doesn't believe the tests are accurate enough yet.
Our daughter Kimberly will be moving to Austin soon. Susan and I are starting to pack some of her things. Helping her move will be bittersweet -- we will be sad to see her go, but happy she is starting a new phase in her life. It will be a new beginning for her, and a new beginning for Susan and I. It's interesting to realize that we may not have reached this point if I had not transitioned. 'His' anger and rage nearly destroyed us. The last few years have been a difficult detour, but now our family can continue on its journey through life.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 29, 2020, 06:05:32 am »
My friend came over yesterday and drove off with his new car. It's odd not seeing it in the garage. I had owned it for over 30 years. When 'he' bought it all those years ago, it was a symbol. Kind of nice that constant reminder of who I used to be is now gone. I was no longer attached to it, like some personal equipment I exchanged last year. At one time those things were very important to 'him', but I am no longer the person I used to be. It's interesting that I don't miss any of those things.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 06, 2020, 05:47:57 am »
Our daughter (Kimberly) and her boyfriend (Rob) arrived Monday evening. We have been helping Kimberly pack for her move to Austin, TX. So far everything has been going smoothly. Today we will get the moving van and start loading. We plan to arrive in Austin on Saturday, then I will get a rental car for my trip back to Colorado. Hopefully I will be home again by Monday afternoon.
I am still a bit bummed because my electrologist hasn't reopened. I've gone about two months without electrolysis and I feel like a wookie. I know there are many people out there with much bigger problems, but having to shave so often is a reminder of who I used to be, and that is painful.
Yesterday morning I saw a story about two young women who were murdered in Puerto Rico. Apparently, they were killed because the men they were with discovered the women were transgender. According to police, the men killed the women out of "revenge motivated by repudiating the sexual orientation of the victims". Being a woman makes us a target. Being transgender makes us more of a target.
I have had a concealed carry permit for about eight years now, and I have taken the CCW training course twice. Susan and I joined a local indoor firing range about a month ago, and we have been going to the range at least twice a week. I have also been trying out several different methods of carrying a concealed firearm. Despite all of the changes in my life, I still feel it is my responsibility to protect the ones I love. I certainly hope we can stay clear of any dangerous situations, but we can't always be lucky enough to have someone else nearby who can protect us. Whether it be a set of keys, pepper spray, a small knife, or a firearm, be prepared. Susan and I saw a sticker at a sporting goods store that sums it up -- 'I carry a gun because cops are too heavy.'
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 12, 2020, 11:24:03 am »
Short version -- Kimberly's move went well.
At noon on Wednesday (May 7th) we picked up the moving van, and by the end of the day we had most of Kimberly's things loaded.
On Thursday (May 7th) we hit the road for Socorro, NM, where Kimberly had been sharing a house with a few other students. On the way down, I discovered the air conditioner in the moving van didn't work very well. Luckily the temperature was only in the low 90's. We reached Socorro in the late afternoon and began loading the rest of Kimberly's things. I spent the night in the house, while Kimberly stayed at Rob's apartment. We finished packing Friday morning, then headed towards Austin, TX. The temperature was much cooler, but it was quite windy in places. Knowing the limitations of the truck's air conditioner, I was wearing lighter clothing. Somewhere along I-10 East of El Paso, my skort had climbed up high enough that a trucker I passed gave me an appreciative blast from his horn! I was smiling all the way to Ozona, TX, where we spent the night.
We left Ozona a little after 9:00am Saturday and arrived at Kimberly's apartment in Austin around 1:30pm. We had the moving van unloaded by 4:30pm. We had to hurry, but we were able to fill the gas tank and get to the rental return right at closing time. When we got back to the apartment, our good luck finally ran out. Kimberly couldn't get into her apartment. We all tried, but the deadbolt had failed. It took nearly three hours and several phone calls, but eventually a locksmith showed up. He couldn't open it either, so he drilled the lock and replaced it. After getting into the apartment, we ordered pizza and started unpacking. An hour or so later, Kimberly and Rob drove me to my hotel for the night.
Kimberly and Rob picked me up Sunday morning. We did a little shopping for some essentials, then went back to Kimberly's apartment to continue unpacking. Around 2:00pm we picked up my rental car. At 3:30pm I hugged both Rob and Kimberly as I said goodbye, then I hit the road for home. I spent the night in Sweetwater, TX. The next day while just south of Amarillo TX,
@Sophiaprincess2019 told me she was in Amarillo! She asked if I could stop by, but I told her I had to get home because I had someone waiting for me. I arrived home Monday with just enough time to return the rental car.
Although Kimberly has been out of the house for a few years, we could always count on her to visit every few months. Now Kimberly and her sister both live a bit too far away for frequent visits. We are proud of both daughters, they are beautiful, intelligent, and confident. It's a bit ironic that I said goodbye to our youngest daughter on Mother's Day. It was a lot of work, and a lot of time behind the wheel, but I'm glad I was able to help Kimberly with her move. I really didn't want to leave, but it's nice to be home again.
We have seen a lot of changes in our lives this year. Emily got engaged in early February, and my mom passed away in late February. In March, Susan and I were both extremely ill. We said goodbye to one of our furry companions in April. In May, our last child graduated and moved away to start her career. I think we need a vacation!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 18, 2020, 07:19:16 pm »
Yea! My electrologist finally re-opened today, so I celebrated with a three-hour appointment. I also booked another two hour appointment for Wednesday. Colorado is requiring electrologist's and their customers to wear masks, which rules out upper lip work for now. There is still plenty of ground to cover though, neck, check, stomach, bikini area.
I realize most of my postings lately don't mention anything about transitioning, but isn't that the goal for many of us? I remember going to bed at night, wishing that I would wake up the next morning as a woman. It didn't happen overnight, but my wish did come true. There are still some minor issues I will need to face occasionally, but all the big stuff is done. My life is pretty much back to normal now, including periodic trips to hair salons, laser hair removal appointments, and electrolysis sessions.
It took three years to change my life, to finally become comfortable in my own skin. I no longer go to bed at night wishing to wake up in a different body. Three years may sound like a long time, but it is much shorter than eternity.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Feb 2017 - Mar 2018 - Feb 2019 - Feb 2020
(https://i.imgur.com/OODQdxu.jpg)
« on: May 19, 2020, 07:23:38 pm »
Quote from: AllieSF on May 19, 2020, 11:08:10 am
QuoteHow does it feel to have you whole house You now have your big house all to yourselves? I bet you miss the kids a lot, even though they are out there living their own lives as we did so many years ago and we are so proud of them. It still seems like a loss when we can't have those short passing conversations during our regular and normal days. Conversations about whatever!
Allie
Since Kimberly was in college out-of-state, she didn't visit often. Now that she is a bit further away I expect we will only see her once or twice a year. Susan and I have a lot of work to do, redecorating, straightening up our basement, and quite a bit of yard work. Even though it is just the two of us now, three counting our furry companion, we don't really miss our daughters. Them going to college slowly weaned us from their presence, so it wasn't a big shock once they moved away. We do plan to travel more, but we have quite a few bills that need to get paid first.
In our case, getting back to normal just means dealing with the same issues everyone else has, without the added complication of transition-related activities. Since women routinely use laser and electrolysis services, I don't see that as anything out of the ordinary. Transition was an amazing, frightening, and life-changing experience, but now it's time to get back to living a normal life.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 20, 2020, 07:46:26 pm »
I had another electrolysis session today. It was supposed to be for two hours, but the customer after me canceled, so Kris said we could go for three hours. Kris started with my bikini area, went over the areas she had treated Monday (stomach, chest, neck) looking for strays, then did my face (what wasn't covered by a mask), ears, eyebrows, and underarms. After 2.5 hours she was done. This was a first, Kris had never run out of areas to treat before the end of a session! I realize there will be many more electrolysis sessions in my future, but it was an indication that the frequency and duration of the sessions may soon begin to wind down.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 23, 2020, 07:31:37 pm »
Initially I was really concerned about the length of my hair, so I straightened it with a flat iron for about two years. It's long enough now that for the last few months I have been letting it do its own thing - curls! I think it looks a bit messy, but Susan likes it. I also decided to try contact lenses. I think the curls will stay, but I'm not sure about the contacts yet.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/hQrczMW.jpg)
« on: June 02, 2020, 07:05:49 am »
Today is our wedding anniversary -- 36 Years! Just a few years ago I was certain that our marriage was over. After all the anger and rage Susan had put up with through the years, throwing my transition on top of the pile should have been the end, but she stayed. About two years ago I asked her why she has put up with me all these years, and she said 'because I love you.' In many ways I'm no longer the same person Susan married all those years ago. Thankfully, now I'm a better person, one who has found peace. Love -- the most powerful force in the universe.
Several months ago I decided to set up a Facebook account. Sometimes I post the same things here and there, but sometimes I don't. My Facebook posts rarely mention transitioning, because that is in my past. I do intend to keep posting here for a while. Hopefully it will help others see that life can get back to normal after transitioning. Our life together certainly isn't the same as it was before, it's better. Transitioning isn't the end, it's a new beginning.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/kfDzND3.jpg)
« on: June 09, 2020, 06:19:11 am »
The white spots on my cape, and the white stuff on our lawn, are not the result of an exceptionally large flock of birds. Would you believe it's snowing at my house? That's right! June 9th 2020, and it's snowing at my house. We have lived here 14 years, and this is the first time we have seen snow in June.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/PcS59ki.jpg)
« on: June 13, 2020, 05:46:52 pm »
Today I did something I had never done before. Something my parents never would have allowed when I was growing up. Today I washed my car... while wearing shorts and a sports bra. Susan didn't mind, the neighbors didn't care, and the world didn't come to an end. Small things like this, which most women take for granted, take me some time to get used to. There are many freedoms that women enjoy, and I am still exploring them, while slowly taking another step in my journey.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 15, 2020, 07:05:45 pm »
Quote from: steph2.0 on June 13, 2020, 06:57:23 pm
QuoteYes! I rode my bike like that the other day (got some long looks from the guys on the trail) and mowed my lawn like that yesterday. It's so liberating. I'm proud of you, girl!!!
- Stephanie
Stephanie, I must admit that your Facebook photos helped push me along!
My electrologist, Kris, broke her wrist last week. She called me yesterday and said she wanted to go forward with our appointment so she could see if she could work with a cast on her left wrist (she is right-handed). I was her only client today, and she did a great job! We did keep the appointment to one hour. She said if her wrist still feels good, tomorrow we can have another one hour session. I told her not to over-do it though, because it could prolong her pain and lengthen the time she needs to heal.
Over the weekend Susan told me that one of our hose reels was broken. She said it squirted her every time she turned it on. While suppressing my laughter, I told her she never complained in the past when that happened with me! Think about it... and yes, Susan thought it was funny too!
Under the heading 'it didn't happen unless you took a photo', here is a photo with me and my cordless electric chainsaw! Susan asked me to take out an evergreen shrub which had outgrown the area it was in, and after all I have put her through, I usually do whatever Susan asks. I did change before putting the chainsaw to use -- jeans and a long sleeve shirt are much more appropriate clothing to wear while using a chainsaw.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/vXf3eis.jpg)
« on: June 22, 2020, 11:43:41 am »
Celebrating Father's Day seems a bit odd, but it is who I am. Susan and I went out for lunch yesterday, the first time we have eaten out since February. It was an awesome day, so we ate outside on a patio table at Cheddar's. We had a beautiful view of the front range and Pikes Peak. After lunch we went to the firing range for an hour of practice, then headed off to Victoria's Secret, where I found a few items on sale that I wanted. We visited a few other stores before heading home. I made omelettes for supper. Both of my daughters called, and later in the evening I called my dad. In spite of everything going on in the world right now, it was a pretty good day. I also took a few photos...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/fRkjnYq.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/IexzvlH.jpg)
« on: June 24, 2020, 11:16:42 am »
I had an electrolysis appointment Monday. Even with a cast on her wrist, in just two hours Kris was able to clear my stomach, chest, neck, face, and underarms. Hair growth in those areas is definitely slowing down.
It's a gorgeous day at our house. Temperature in the low 80's, light breeze, a few small clouds drifting by... perfect weather for a sundress! My parents would never have let me wear something like this when I was growing up...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/oDakubS.jpg)
« on: July 04, 2020, 03:59:37 pm »
I had an electrolysis session last Monday, which I mentioned to one of my best friends. She told me to have fun. I replied 'Yes, getting my genitals electrocuted is always good for a few laughs.' I think having a sense of humor about this really helps...
Today, Susan and I are going to a cookout with a few friends, this is the same family that bought my Monte Carlo a few months ago. We have known each other for a few years, and they have become really good friends. I decided to wear something colorful, a dress I bought just a few days before my mom passed away in February. It's interesting how an inexpensive dress can make me feel so pretty! I actually began to cry when I looked in the mirror, I still can't believe the person staring back from the mirror is me. I think Susan looks good too!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/x8EgAOH.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/X5Q8zWp.jpg)
« on: July 07, 2020, 08:21:59 pm »
First, I need to thank those of you who have commented on my recent posts. We all need encouragement from time to time, and I sincerely appreciate your comments.
Softball tournaments have started up again in Colorado, and the Mountain States Tournament is this coming weekend. I plan to take as many photos as I can, while Susan visits with Debi and Tia in Loveland. Of course, I plan to spend some time with them as well once the games are over for the day.
Monday I had another two-hour electrolysis appointment. After Kris had cleaned up all the usual areas, she asked if there was anyplace else needing work. I had a few stray hairs near my ankles, so she went after them. The electrolysis machine has eight power levels, and Kris usually sets it on level '4' for general use, level '3' for my upper lip, and level '2' for the area near my clitoris. I never would have guessed that electrolysis on my ankles would have been so excruciatingly painful, significantly worse than upper lip work. Even on level '1' it was nearly intolerable. We made it through, but I am not looking forward to clearing that area again. Luckily HRT has taken care of the hair I used to have on my toes.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 10, 2020, 09:34:55 am »
Alas, I was never very good at most sports -- always the last one picked for teams in school. When our youngest daughter played softball in high school, I took photos at her first game. I noticed that no one else was taking photos, so I started taking photos of everyone on the team. I took photos at every game. At the end of the season, I gave everyone DVDs containing all of the photos. When our daughter joined a club team, I took photos for them as well. Even though our daughter graduated high school five years ago, I have continued taking game photos. This will be my 9th year taking photos for the high school, and my 6th year for the club team. I have upgraded my cameras and lenses a few times, and now I load the photos onto flash drives instead of DVDs. I'm not sure how much longer I will be doing it because it does take a lot of time, but it is something I enjoy.
I always delete the photos with player errors. If a ball bounces out of a glove or a player strikes out, I am the only one who sees those photos. We all make mistakes during our lives, and I want the photos to remind the players of their successes.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 19, 2020, 07:59:05 pm »
A few days ago, I decided to try the 'Voice Pitch Analyzer' app again. The last time I tried it was on 29 Dec 2018, and back then it showed this:
Min Avg: 149Hz, Max Avg: 188Hz, Average: 167Hz - Androgenous range
When I tried it on 14 July 2020, my numbers were much better:
Min Avg: 167Hz, Max Avg: 221Hz, Average: 191Hz - Female range
Another in the photo series 'Women with Power Tools'. What could be more frightening to a man than a woman with a pole saw!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/QED7eZ6.jpg)
« on: July 21, 2020, 06:28:00 am »
Quote from: steph2.0 on July 19, 2020, 09:13:00 pm
QuoteGreat progress with the voice, girlfriend!
In my new job I have to make and answer phone calls. It was scary the first few times, but so far no misgendering! Whew!
As for the power tools... well, the one I use is a lot shorter, and must be out of balance, because it vibrates a lot.
I won't make any comments about ten-foot poles...
- Stephanie
I was surprised by the increase in my voice pitch, because I have not really been working on it. I guess it is improving via continual use. I still don't like using the phone much. Although I have not been misgendered in person or over the phone in a long time, I'm still worried about it. It's too easy to be misgendered when they can't see your face.
Stephanie, for someone as mechanically-minded as you, it should be simple to fix that power tool vibration. However, knowing you I suspect it is a situation the Beach Boys wrote a song about -- 'Good Vibrations'.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 27, 2020, 08:50:20 pm »
Today went really well. I started off by wearing one of my new dresses, and Susan made some banana pancakes for breakfast. After work, I visited one of my favorite people and places -- Kris, my electrologist! After a two hour session, I stopped by Victoria's Secret to use the birthday gift coupon they sent, of course I picked up a few other things too! Then I stopped by Cheddar's to pick up supper, which Susan and I ate outside on our deck. Finally, it was time for dessert -- carrot cake!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/qIbgZBe.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/hGo6xFL.jpg)
« on: August 15, 2020, 07:41:48 pm »
I just realized it has been nearly three weeks since my last post. Everything is going well, I've just been busy. I took photos at a softball tournament in Boulder, CO on 1 - 2 August, around 8000! It took some time to review them, then select a few for editing from every game I attended.
On 3 August, I had a three-hour electrolysis session, and two more hours on 5 August.
On 6 August, Susan and I, along with our good friends Carl and Gina, attended a live show by Spinphony at the Soiled Dove in Denver. Spinphony is a Denver-based electric string quartet (a cello, two violins, and a five-string viola) that arranges and performs mash-ups of pop/rock and classical music. They played several tunes from their new album 'String Crossing', like 'Tell on Me' ('Take on Me' combined with 'The Willaim Tell Overture') and 'Eleanor of Seville' ('Eleanor Rigby' combined with 'The Barber of Seville'). I know it sounds like odd combinations, but it really sounds amazing. Check them out on You Tube.
On 7 August (Friday), we attended an end-of-season pizza party for the softball team. The next day I finished all of the photo editing and began loading the photos onto some custom-printed flash drives for everyone on the team. Sunday, I met up with eight young ladies from the team who wanted me to take some photos. We took some pics at a local softball field, then headed over to Memorial Park in Manitou for more. Several of the girls brought multiple changes of clothes. After around 5 hours, I had about 300 new photos to review. Later that day Susan and I went to a graduation party for one of the softball players, and I also delivered all of the flash drives I had loaded with game photos.
On 10 August, I had a three-hour electrolysis session, and two more hours on 12 August. The next day I had a laser session for my arms.
Yesterday morning (14 Aug), I noticed something in our neighbor's tree. Upon closer inspection I realized it was a young raccoon! Although we live near a forested area, this was the first raccoon we had seen since moving here over a decade ago. It stayed in the tree all day, and this morning it was gone.
Today, Susan and I took a little break. After visiting the hair salon, we went out for lunch and did some shopping. I found an awesome summer dress at Nordstrom Rack, along with some clothing from Ross and TJ Maxx -- and of course a stop at Victoria's Secret!
I also need to mention that over the last three weeks we have had a special visitor drop by for overnight visits on two separate occasions --
@Sophiaprincess2019 ! It's always great when another member of the unicorn herd stops by for a visit.
This was my shopping outfit today... I can honestly say, I never expected to look like this.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/GV5tuHQ.jpg)
« on: August 17, 2020, 11:25:56 am »
Susan and I went out for a little more shopping on Sunday. We had a few returns, but on Saturday I had discovered Victoria's Secret would honor an 'Angel Reward Card' which had expired at the end of May. The card was for over $100, so I wanted to use it before they changed their mind! I also decided to wear something new, but old. I bought this dress long before I realized I was transgender, it is one of the very few items I bought that long ago which still fit. An older lady at one of the stores told me I was 'so lucky to be able to wear a dress like that.' I couldn't agree more...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/XGdO2gl.jpg)
« on: August 30, 2020, 07:57:21 pm »
About two weeks ago I mentioned a new dress I found at Nordstrom Rack. I took a few photos of it today, the wind was playing havoc with my hair, but I think they came out nice.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/dh7nTuN.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/21xZSEt.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/ZZ9IXWH.jpg)
« on: August 31, 2020, 07:25:40 am »
Thanks
@davina61 ! I certainly wished I looked like this in my teens, or twenties, or thirties, or forties... it took a long time to get here.
Saturday morning a neighbor hosted a 'Driveway Donuts' get-together. They had moved in several months ago and wanted to meet their neighbors. Susan was ready first (a rare occurrence), so she left the house first and I arrived a few minutes later. We stayed for nearly two hours and met several neighbors, many of whom I had never met before. A few people asked Susan which house she lived in, after talking to Susan for a few minutes they would ask me which house I lived in. I answered with 'same house as Susan'. The universal response was 'Oh', followed by questions like 'where do you work?' No one ever asked any questions about our relationship. Someone asked Susan if she had any grandchildren, then they turned to me and asked the same question! One neighbor who knew my story was there, and she never mentioned anything about my past to the others. Everyone we met was very friendly, and there were no awkward moments.
Although Susan is comfortable being with me, she prefers not mentioning our relationship to others. Maybe one day the world will change enough that she will be comfortable revealing our truth.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 18, 2020, 07:08:56 pm »
I had two electrolysis sessions this week, totaling 3.5 hours. My electrologist had been away for nearly three weeks, but thanks to COVID-19 and wearing a mask, I was able to go without shaving while she was out of town. Not shaving for so long allowed her to differentiate between peach fuzz and the coarse/longer hairs that needed treatment. Although were quite a few hairs that needed work, the number is definitely dwindling.
I had a medical check-up on Tuesday, and everything was fine: BP 96/70, pulse 56, oxygen saturation 98%. There was a reason for the check-up, something that I'm still getting lined up. Once I am sure that everything is in place, I'll make a post about it. I also had a mammogram earlier today, it was my first since having a breast augmentation last year. I was expecting a lot of discomfort, but it wasn't too bad. I should receive the results next week. The lady who performed the mammogram said my surgeon (Dr. Ley) did a great job on the augmentation, she also asked me if I had ever been pregnant! I just answered 'no'.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 22, 2020, 07:49:19 pm »
I have reached a point in my life that I thought was an impossible dream, yet something still bothers me. The facial surgery I had last year was a major improvement, but it wasn't enough of a change. Most people readily accept who I have become, and no one questions my gender. However, they don't see what I see -- reminders of the person I used to be. He faithfully protected me for decades and gave his life so I could be free, but now he is a painful reminder of my past. It's difficult to let him go when I see him every day.
A few weeks ago I contacted the Meltzer Clinic for another round of FFS. I plan to have mandibular contouring and genioplasty, most likely followed by a facelift. Since many people have delayed surgery due to COVID-19, the lead time was only 5 - 6 weeks. I've made a deposit and scheduled the first round of surgery for 13 Oct, with a facelift in early 2021. I had an EKG last week and received clearance for surgery. I will have a video consultation with Dr. Ley on 28 September (she already has x-rays of my skull), and I should receive more details about the procedures and scheduling then.
As others have said, FFS is the true 'gender confirmation surgery'. Our faces are what people recognize and see every day, and our faces are an important aspect of how we view ourselves. Although Susan is not pleased with my decision, I think she understands. Oddly, the decision is causing me some anguish as well. I don't know if it's the expectation of post-surgical discomfort, concern that I may not be happy with the results, or the realization that I may soon no longer be haunted by the reflection of the person I used to be. Unless something unexpected comes along, I only have three weeks to wait...
If anyone was wondering, my mammogram results were 'normal'.
I also found a new dress at Ross for $8.99! Definitely something my parents would not have let me wear when I was a teenager. Now I just need the confidence to wear it in public.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/LFb1T92.jpg)
« on: September 26, 2020, 04:19:34 pm »
Quote from: davina61 on September 23, 2020, 03:02:35 am
QuoteSometimes we are our own worse critics and see things other do not, I think its your memory/brain that causes it and takes a long time to adjust .
You are correct Davina, we are our own worst enemy at times. It seems we can cruise along nicely until we learn about yet another difference in bone or tissue structure between someone who is transgender and someone who is cis. Once we see that difference in ourselves, it can become increasingly more difficult to ignore. A friend of mine used that 'face app' software on me, and that may well be what started it. It wasn't a bad experience though, it showed that I have yet to reach my potential. Of course, I also want to get rid of any facial features which remind me of the person I used to be. I realize the 'face app' photo may not be completely achievable, but I can certainly get closer than I am now.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 01, 2020, 08:01:33 am »
I have been busy these last few days. Last Sunday I drove down to Cuchara, CO, to take some high school senior photos for a friend, and I have been working on game photos for our local high school softball team. I have another softball game to cover today, then senior photo sessions Friday and Saturday. I will try to have them all done before I leave for Scottsdale next week. I am really starting to get excited about my trip to Scottsdale!
I have started a new thread for my upcoming surgery:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246843.msg2259172.html#msg2259172
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 02, 2020, 06:10:52 am »
Thanks Emma! The road we travel is a long one, but it leads from darkness into the light. The cost to travel along the road can also be quite high at times, but when the alternative is a life of misery and pain, or a life ended abruptly, the cost doesn't really matter. I have kept this thread going because I'm not done yet, and because of people who sometimes just need to see that the journey can lead to a much happier place.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 07, 2020, 01:05:53 pm »
A few days ago, I received a note from a co-worker. This is another example of why I tell my story:
Hi Jessica, I wanted to take a quick moment to reach out to you to say thank you for sharing your story at NCOD a couple years ago. It was late last year that I figured out I'm trans. As I'm sure you know, that can be a relieving and terrifying realization. I wanted to let you know that watching you share your story helped to give me the courage to accept that part of myself, begin my transition, come out, and to share my own story this year for NCOD.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 09, 2020, 07:02:19 am »
Thanks
@Northern Star Girl !!!
Yesterday, Progressive Insurance held their annual National Coming Out Day event. This year's event was virtual due to COVID-19, and we had the highest attendance ever, with over 2000 people registered! Our Chief Marketing Officer opened the event, then six of us told our stories, including me. Our CEO closed the event, and she was in tears after hearing our stories. I expect there are a few other companies which foster such an accepting environment, but I feel extremely lucky to work here.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 17, 2020, 08:30:58 pm »
Part of the National Coming Out Day event was pre-recorded, but there was also a 'live' question and answer session. During the live portion, I wore a t-shirt which several people asked me about. I found it on Amazon...
(https://i.imgur.com/E6k5AeQ.jpg)
Jessica Rose, is this new website going to ask for verification with every post?
Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 03, 2024, 07:27:27 AMJessica Rose, is this new website going to ask for verification with every post?
I checked with Devlyn:
New members have to answer verification questions until (I believe) ten posts. It's always been that way.
« on: November 11, 2020, 06:16:30 pm »
It's been quite a while since my last post, most of what's happened since then was related to my last round of surgery. Although there is still some swelling, the bruising has completely cleared up. The most exciting thing was actually a trip to the grocery store. As I rounded a corner near the bakery, I stepped on a small piece of carrot -- it seemed like a sheet of ice. I managed to break my fall a bit with my right hand, but not before my boots left awesome skid marks on the tile floor. Although it took me a few minutes to get back up, other than a sore shoulder and a stiff neck there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. I did talk to the store manager about it, they took several photos and I gave them my contact information. Maybe they'll send a gift card...
We are planning a trip down to Austin TX to visit one of our daughters the weekend before Thanksgiving, then we will head over to Louisiana for Thanksgiving with another group of relatives. None of them know about my recent surgery. It will be interesting to see if anyone notices.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I also found another good t-shirt on Amazon...
(https://i.imgur.com/JcveNY5.jpg)
« on: November 12, 2020, 08:58:14 pm »
Thanks for dropping by
@Northern Star Girl !!! I love getting occasional notes from you (and others on the forum), and I sometimes wonder how you find the time to check in on everyone!
I did get a call from the grocery store (a nationwide chain), but we have been playing phone tag. Hopefully we will be able to chat tomorrow. My neck and right shoulder are still sore, but everything else seems to be fine.
I saw my electrologist again today. The facial bruising had cleared up enough for her to do a complete clearing of my face and neck. When I started electrolysis nearly four years ago, it took months to clear my face and neck. Now it only takes an hour or so, and 95% of the hair is peach fuzz.
Getting where I am now wasn't easy, and I honestly never dreamed that I would one day look like this. The memories of who I used to be are fading, slowly being replaced by the person I have become. There are still some days when I struggle with my identity though. COVID-19 has significantly reduced the public interactions which provided daily affirmation. Unless I look in the mirror, I sometimes forget that I am not who I used be. Putting on makeup and wearing something beautiful reminds me of who I am, and my smile quickly returns. Since my healing is nearly complete and the swelling has gone down significantly, I will try to take some new photos this weekend. While we were in Scottsdale prior to my surgery, I found an awesome full-length red dress. Although it isn't exactly the same as the one in the movie, I call it my 'Jessica Rabbit' dress. Maybe I'll wear it for my personal photo shoot...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
@Jessica_Rose @Jessica_Rose
Dear Jessica:I am so glad to see that you, like many other of our returning members, are finding and
piecing together legacy postings and getting your life story back on your Blog thread.
With all the behind the scenes work here on the "new" forum it can be challenging to
find the time to do all the things that we wish to do to recover our past comments and
thoughts that we shared. I am so very glad to see that you were able to get a good
start on putting things back where they belong.
Many HUGS, and my best wishes to you.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
Jessica Rose, you are an upbeat lady like Danielle. Sadly, I'm old and creaky.
Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 03, 2024, 10:50:13 AMJessica Rose, you are an upbeat lady like Danielle. Sadly, I'm old and creaky.
Thanks O&C, but I prefer to think of you as being full of wisdom and experience!
The negative energy in the world seems to overwhelm the positive energy. Some of us try to shine a little light on the good things, hoping people will realize that there really is a lot of good around us, but sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 14, 2020, 05:24:15 pm »
Per implied request from
@Northern Star Girl , I have taken a few new photos. I'm not sure that my smile is quite back to normal, but it's getting close.
The first photo is the outfit I wore while Susan and I were out shopping today. The second is my 'Jessica Rabbit' dress. I know it's not quite the same, but it's nearly floor length, it's bright red, it has a long slit, and I like it! The last photo is a dress I recently found on eBay, it even has pockets!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/whveLr1.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/kxb4tng.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/1yB9yGp.jpg)
« on: November 17, 2020, 07:02:22 pm »
Most of this year, except during COVID-19 lockdowns, I have been having 4 - 5 hours of electrolysis per week. The results are beginning to show. Yesterday, Kris cleared my face, neck, underarms, and chest in an hour! Most of what she finds now is just long peach fuzz, with only a few coarse hairs. Kris has expanded the area she is treating to include the backs of my thighs -- which turns out to be a highly sensitive area. The laser treatments on my legs took care of the vast majority of the hair, but there are a few stubborn ones that didn't respond to treatment. I'm hoping I can soon begin to reduce my weekly time on the table.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 20, 2020, 05:05:41 am »
A few months ago, the LGBT+ Employee Resource Group where I work asked me to write an article to mark this day. the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It will be emailed to a few thousand employees within next few hours.
Today, November 20th, is the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It wasn't that long ago when this day meant nothing to me. It was for a group of people I labeled 'them', why should I care? I was wrong. Now I am one of 'them', and it opened my eyes to the importance of accepting people for who they are. When someone is at risk of being attacked or killed solely because they decide to live their truth, we should all be concerned. Why? Because one day the eyes of persecution may fall upon you, or someone you love.
Being transgender isn't a choice, as in the quote 'The only choice I ever made was to be myself'. With one exception, we are the same as everyone else. We have the same hopes, the same fears, the same dreams. The exception? We weren't born into bodies which match our minds. We struggle for years, sometimes decades, to discover why we aren't comfortable in the bodies we were born into. We know what it's like to be a man, a woman, and the places in between. Socially transitioning makes us unique because we will 'walk a mile' in the shoes of more than one gender. I say we are unicorns -- rare and beautiful people.
We each have unique stories, and we understand the essence of the struggle others endure to find themselves, and ultimately their fight to live an authentic life. Imagine your life if you had to deal with persecution, hatred, discrimination, and the daily threat of violence just to be yourself, just to live an authentic life that most people take for granted. Every time I see a story about the senseless murder of someone who is transgender, part of my soul withers. It's like losing a brother, or a sister. Magnifying the pain is that 39 states allow an 'LGBTQ panic' defense, which asks a jury to find that a victim's sexual orientation or gender identity is to blame for the defendant's violent reaction, including murder – insinuating that being attacked or murdered is somehow the victim's fault.
This year has been one of the worst on record for the transgender community. Not only are some local, state, and federal government agencies eroding our rights as human beings, but we also are being attacked and killed in record numbers. Please take some time to reflect on the senseless violence committed against this unique, priceless segment of society. We all must learn to accept and cherish diversity. No one should be frightened to live their truth.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 30, 2020, 08:04:27 pm »
Our trip went well. We spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning (21-22 Nov) in Austin with our youngest daughter (K), and even did a little shopping with her. Sunday afternoon we had an uneventful drive up to Benton, LA to visit my dad. I helped him get a new cell phone and transferred his old land-line number to it, signed him up for some dental insurance, and set up some digital music in both cars and his house. Now he can listen to Doc Watson, Lightning Hopkins, and Muddy Waters wherever and whenever he wants!
Thanksgiving went well. This year my sister-in-law hosted the event, which was spread across three separate dining areas. K even drove up from Austin with her long-term boyfriend. She had not visited Louisiana in nearly five years, and it was the first time her boyfriend had a chance to meet the rest of the family. K and her boyfriend returned to Austin on Friday, while Susan and I returned home on Sunday (29 Nov).
During the trip I received a call from the 'adjuster' for the grocery store where I had that slip and fall a few weeks ago. As there was no long-term damage and no doctors were involved, I accepted their offer of $200, which I though was fair.
Although my dad seems to be getting along well, the house seemed empty without my mom. I don't know how my dad gets through the day. Mom was always there for us, until the day she wasn't. I wish we had more time for her to get to know me better, I wish she could have given her daughter some sage advice, but now there are no more opportunities. Make the most of every day, because the last time you see someone may be the last time.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 08, 2020, 08:18:33 am »
I had a three-hour electrolysis session yesterday, with another two-hour session scheduled for Wednesday. Most of the time is being spent on the back of my thighs and, um, lower cheeks -- I used to be somewhat hirsute. Sometime Kris says 'good girl' after treating a hair in a painful location, for some reason that makes me smile. Our daughter in Austin is still planning to visit during Christmas, but due to COVID she may drive instead of fly. She works for the Texas State Department of Health, and she knows more than most people about how widespread COVID is right now.
There are still days when I question my choice to start this journey, but thinking about the day I nearly ended my life and the lives of my wife and daughters provides all the justification I need. Initially it seemed like an impossible task, but taking things one step at a time allowed me to get to where I am now. Hopefully I will soon be able to consign my past to a dark corner of a storage room.
My next round of surgery is scheduled for 16 Feb 2021. Although I really love Dr. Ley and the Meltzer Clinic, I hope that will be my last trip to Scottsdale. If you want a surgeon who does an awesome job on everything, please consider Dr. Ley.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 25, 2020, 06:15:26 am »
Christmas morning. Neither of our daughters could make it home this year, so it's our first Christmas alone as a couple since 1993. Susan started the turkey a few hours ago, and the scent of turkey is slowly filling the house. We're both wondering what we're going to wear. Even though it's just us, we like to dress up a bit for Christmas. There are plenty of gifts under the tree, even a few for our furry companion -- he loves opening his own gifts on Christmas! Other than the sounds of holiday music, the crinkling of wrapping paper, the crackling of a fire, and our expressions of thanks for the thoughtful gifts, our house will be quiet. No kids running up and down the stairs, no video games being played. Four years ago, I never would have envisioned a Christmas like this. Just Susan and I, wondering and hopeful for what next year will bring. I hope everyone can find at least a few moments of peace today... Merry Christmas to all of you.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/sWFpHTe.jpg)
« on: December 28, 2020, 08:43:32 am »
Four years ago today, 28 December 2016, I discovered the source of my anger and rage. It's been an amazing journey, and I still have a lot to learn. This year has been tougher than most due to COVID-19. Adding to the pain, in February we lost my mom to cancer, in April we lost one of our furry companions, and in May our youngest daughter graduated and moved away to start her career (both happy and sad about this) -- so we have an empty nest. I have been working from home since mid-March. Other than Susan, the only person I regularly socialize with is my electrologist. The reduced socialization makes it feel as though I have regressed. Some days I wake up not realizing I'm a woman until I look under the sheets.
Pronouns. Strangers always get it right, friends are close to 100%, family gets it right most of the time -- the person who most often gets it wrong is me. For some reason when I think about myself, my thoughts include the wrong name and the wrong pronoun. It's difficult to overcome five decades of suppression. Hopefully one day my brain will catch up with reality.
I have one more significant surgery planned, although I'm considering a few minor procedures to fix little things that bother me. Unfortunately, it isn't just vanity driving my desire to look my best. In some places being read as transgender can result in being assaulted, or worse. The more boxes I check off, the safer I will be.
Almost every legal document that matters now has 'Jessica' on it. I'm not sure if we can update our daughters' birth certificates. If they would just add my name and leave my dead name, then I don't see much reason to try changing them. However, there is one important piece of paper we can fix, and I'm trying to convince Susan that we should take care of it. Fixing it will remove any potential legal issues related to our marriage. We have plenty of time to plan something simple, next June will be our 37th wedding anniversary...
Changing your perception of yourself isn't easy, neither is changing everyone's perception of who you are. The only way to be truly happy is by being true to yourself -- not by being the person others want or expect you to be. I'll close this post with some lyrics from the clean version of 'Perfect' by P!NK:
You're so mean when you talk
About yourself, you are wrong.
Change the voices in your head,
Make them like you instead.
So complicated, look how we all make it,
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of,
Chased down all my demons, I'll see you do the same.
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 09, 2021, 01:57:53 pm »
Many of those who started around the time I did have moved on, and I think I know why. Staying here reminds me of who I pretended to be, along with the pain and anguish I caused others. I may decide to retire from Susan's one day. As long as I think my posts may be helping even just one person, I'll probably hang around.
On Monday I made the first major payment on my upcoming surgery, my final payment is due on the January 19th. Hopefully the current spike in COVID-19 cases won't cause a delay. I am skipping a holiday party for the softball team I photograph over the summer -- fifty to sixty people in an enclosed area really doesn't sound like a good idea right now. I will probably also miss out on a niece's wedding in April due to COVID. Although the wedding will be outdoors, there is still a chance of exposure. My daughter's wedding is just two weeks later. Although I love my niece, my daughter takes precedence.
I probably had my last laser session a few days ago, there is virtually no dark hair left to treat. I have also backed off on electrolysis a little. Instead of four to five hours per week, I'm down to three now. That will drop even more after next week, since I must stop facial electrolysis one month before surgery. After nearly four years of electrolysis, coarse hair is getting extremely rare now.
My journey has taken much longer than I expected, and it has also cost much more than I had planned. Was it worth it? Knowing what I know now, would I do it again? Yes to both. If I had not taken this leap, I would probably be dead by now, and I may well have taken a few others with me. The person I pretended to be is gone, and my soul is finally learning how to dance in the sun.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 13, 2021, 07:30:47 pm »
Today was a good day. I had an appointment with a new dental hygienist. She took a few x-rays, checked my gums, then did a cleaning. After she was done, she began looking for anomalies and noticed the scar from my last surgery. She said 'wow, that's a long scar. Looks like you had a jaw reduction.' I told her she was correct, then added 'that's not all.' She eventually noticed my lip implants, and commented that implants are better than fillers because they are permanent. She asked if I had any other surgeries. She seemed accepting, so I decided to show her my 'before and after' photos. She had no idea. She said if I had not told her, she would never have guessed that I had transitioned. Later she mentioned her daughter was great with eye makeup, then said her daughter could show me how to make my beautiful blue eyes really stand out! Maybe some makeup lessons are in my future...
Something else happened over the weekend, something rather important. There is a certain legal document which still has my dead name, and I really want to fix it. I asked Susan about the document a few weeks ago, and she finally answered. For the second time in her life, she has agreed to marry me. I have already contacted a wedding planner, and she loves our story. We are planning a simple, outdoor ceremony. Our current anniversary is June 2nd, which is a Wednesday, so that won't do. The following Saturday is June 5th, which would have been my parents' 66th Anniversary. Sadly, my mom is no longer with us, but my dad thinks it's a great idea. So, on June 5th 2021, Susan and I will once again say 'I do'. Unlike the first time, both of us will be wearing wedding dresses.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Wow. I guess you had your own archive. Thinking ahead.
Quote from: REM.1126 on January 03, 2024, 09:18:09 PMWow. I guess you had your own archive. Thinking ahead.
I've been in IT for 40 years, so backups are in my blood. I also know accidents happen, and Murphy's Law is real.
I occasionally made a backup of my posts using 'cut and paste'. I don't have all of my recent posts, but I do have most of them. It's sad that so many beautiful stories were lost. The stories I found on this site about seven years ago are the only reason I'm still alive. All of our stories are important, and I think it's important to have some 'complete' stories out there. Although we are all different, it just takes one story to resonate with someone, one story which may change someone's life.
Thanks for coming back Rachel.
Love always -- Jess
« on: January 23, 2021, 08:06:08 am »
In three weeks, Susan and I will be heading down to Scottsdale for my next surgery. We already paid the clinic, hotel reservations are in place, and my vacation time has been approved. Although surgery is expected to take about 8 hours, recovery should be quicker and less uncomfortable than my previous surgeries. As much as I enjoy working with Dr. Ley and her staff, hopefully this will be my last visit for the foreseeable future.
We are also making progress on our wedding plans. We ordered new rings (Susan picked them out), we narrowed down possible dresses (although always on the lookout for others), we started working on a guest list, and we may have found a photographer. Our planner is also checking on the possibility of a slightly different venue.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 31, 2021, 06:41:53 pm »
In two weeks, Susan and I will be in Scottsdale for what will hopefully be my last big surgery. My COVID-19 test will be on February 15th, along with my pre-op appointment. The next morning, I need to arrive at the surgical center around 5:30am, with my eight-hour nap scheduled to begin at 7:30am. No visitors are allowed, so I won't see Susan again until I am released on February 18th. My post-op appointment will be on February 23rd, and hopefully we can start the drive home later that day.
Our new wedding rings should arrive tomorrow (February 1st), and we have booked a photographer. Our wedding planner is looking into alternative venues. The first alternative venue quoted a price outrageously high. Our original venue is free, and that one will always be available! Susan bought some white sandals yesterday, and our daughters helped me select a wedding dress -- they both agreed on the same one! We will probably order our dresses within the next few days.
As if this year wasn't already shaping up to be busy, we are making plans for another big change in our lives. We still have several things to research, but if everything falls into place, we will have another announcement to make within the next month or two.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 08, 2021, 03:38:55 am »
Our new wedding rings have arrived, and we are both very happy with them. We also hired a photographer. We haven't ordered our dresses yet. After a bit more research, we decided to find a more reliable source! We visited a wedding venue on Saturday (The Pinery at the Hill) which was much more reasonably priced than the first, and we plan to visit a second venue (Black Forest by Wedgewood) tomorrow. From what we can tell the prices are similar. The main difference is that the Black Forest venue has the option of indoor or outdoor ceremonies, while the Pinery is indoors only. We plan to keep the number of guests low due to COVID, we want those attending to feel safe.
I have asked a very special friend to be my Matron of Honor. Unless something unexpected comes up, she has agreed. She was the very first person I came out to, I told her two weeks before I found the courage to tell Susan. I was frightened and vulnerable, and she welcomed me with open arms. Imagine what could have happened if she had reacted negatively. We saw each other on a weekly basis for well over two years, and she constantly offered advice and comfort. My friend has retired now and I haven't seen her in over a year, but I will always remember her kindness. Although CJ at times caused me quite a bit of discomfort, that's the job of an electrologist! Second only to Susan, I can't think of anyone else who played a more important role in my life these last few years.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 12, 2021, 01:12:27 pm »
Our tour of the Wedgewood venue went well, but we have decided to go with The Pinery for our ceremony and reception. I made the deposit this morning, so the venue is reserved for our wedding. Now we just have to decide on some dresses, and a few hundred other things.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 23, 2021, 08:36:08 am »
I missed a recent anniversary, but I have been busy...
Two years and two days ago, I had GCS. I've had several surgeries since then, and yesterday I returned from my most recent one. Each was a major step, and each presented unique challenges and discomforts. Although physically painful at the time, I don't remember the pain -- I remember the sense of freedom associated after completing each step. Now all the major surgeries are done, my finances can begin to recover, and I can go on with my life without worrying about my next surgery. It was a long road, but every step was worth the cost. Thanks to all of you for your support.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: March 03, 2021, 02:21:18 pm »
I guess it's finally starting to become real to me. Earlier today as I was leaving a store, someone behind me called out "ma'am". In the past I always ignored it because the word just didn't trigger any response. Today it caused me to stop and turn around. It really is difficult to overcome so many decades of learned behavior.
I am also learning how to handle something I never had to deal with before. To be blunt, I have a neighbor who 'wants' me. Initially I found it flattering, but then I discovered that he knows my background. Now I'm not sure if he wants me because I'm a decent looking woman, or because I'm also a unicorn. He has asked me for photos, which I declined. Then he asked if I wanted some photos of him! I declined that as well. I told Susan about it and she laughed. She wasn't laughing because she found it hard to believe, she was laughing because she was surprised.
Planning for our wedding is coming along well. I just realized it's only three months away.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: March 14, 2021, 07:35:54 am »
We've had some interesting developments over the last few days. Susan and I met with our wedding planner last week to start adding details to our plan. Susan selected her Matron of Honor, and the offer was accepted. We ordered wedding dresses from David's Bridal. Susan's dress arrived a few days ago. My dress was shipped Friday.
Susan and I have also started straightening up our house. We've painted several rooms (even our foyer, with a 20ft ceiling), ordered several windows to replace those which have lost their seal, ordered granite counter tops for the kitchen, donated several things we no longer use. There is a reason for all the activity...
A few days ago I received some news that is both exciting and frightening. I have worked for Progressive Insurance over 15 years, and they supported me 100% through my transition. They have given me a gift that many people dream about. I was notified that my request for permanent work-from-home status was approved. I can now move anywhere in the US while keeping my position with Progressive.
My mom passed away a year ago, and my dad plans to stay in the house they shared for over 40 years. We want to move closer to my dad so we can help him more often. Every relocation Susan and I have ever made was because of my job, now Susan gets to choose. Susan wants to live somewhere warmer so she can have a vegetable garden, and she wants a big kitchen with a gas stove. None of the states we are considering are rated as being LGBTQ+ friendly, but in my experience most people don't seem to mind two women living together. It will also give me an opportunity to go stealth in my private life, although I will defend others like myself in conversation if the topic comes up.
The frightening part is that I will be leaving my friends, my electrologist, my hair stylist, my doctors, and the rest of my support behind. Unless something comes up, we will most likely be moving in late June or July.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I for one appreciated the recap! Thanks and congratulations!
Thanks so much for dropping by my journal, D'Amalie! It's going to take a while to rebuild, but even if it only helps one person, it's worth the effort.
Love always -- Jess
« on: March 23, 2021, 03:43:54 am »
Four years. Four years ago today I started HRT, and started an amazing journey. I had no idea how long it would take to transition, and the thought of 'years' of anything was discouraging. It doesn't seem that long now, although it was a lifetime ago. If I had not transitioned, I probably would have taken my own life by now. In a way, that's exactly what I have done. I had to say goodbye to the person I was to allow the person I am to be free. I have a lot of people to thank, too many to list. Some have become part of my extended family, while other were just helpful people passing through my life.
I've learned a lot about myself, yet I still have much to learn. Now that I look at the world through the eyes of a woman, I see so much that used to be invisible to me. I have lost a few people I thought were friends, but they were really just acquaintances. My true friends have stayed by my side, and I have met many new ones. My family adjusted well, and I think my daughters prefer me as I am now. Only one relative has become more distant, most others are now closer than ever.
Today may be the last time I post a 'before and after' comparison. Seeing the cold, dead eyes of the person I used to be is painful. Some people are able to make peace with their past, but my past is filled with a pain that I would rather forget. Having to stay locked up in that dark prison is something I don't like to be reminded of.
Was the four-year rollercoaster ride worth it? Yes, a thousand times, yes. On those rare days when I question my decision, I think about the dark moment when I was a heartbeat away from ending my life, along with the lives of my wife and daughters. I know I made the right choice. Only those who have been there can truly understand the depths of the darkness and pain we endure, and the glorious light we embrace when we discover our truth.
I wish you all the best of everything on your journey through life.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
February 2017 - March 2018 - February 2019 - February 2020 - March 2021
(https://i.imgur.com/hiNo8hI.jpg)
« on: March 29, 2021, 07:36:15 pm »
We've been quite busy this last week. During our last meeting with the event coordinator at our wedding venue, she told us that to the best of her knowledge, our wedding will be the first of it's kind at The Pinery. We have also lined up a makeup artist who is enthusiastic about helping us. She told us I will be her very first transgender bride!
Some folks from an online real estate company came by to look at our house last week. They took lots of photos and did a very thorough home inspection. All of them were impressed, and they said our house would sell quickly once we decide to put it on the market. We have a conference call scheduled with them later this week, and they may make us an offer on the house. We aren't ready to sell yet, but we definitely want to hear what they have to say.
Yesterday we went dress shopping with our wedding officiant (Amy) and her daughter. We helped Amy find two beautiful dresses, and we selected the one she will wear at our ceremony. She even bought us lunch at a local restaurant. Amy also arranged for our photographer to take some engagement photos at a local park this next weekend. Now we have to figure out what to wear...
Susan and I got our first COVID-19 vaccinations today. I woke up around 3:00am with a very sore arm! So far that's the only side-effect I've noticed. The second dose is scheduled for April 22nd.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 03, 2021, 04:03:03 pm »
Our wedding planner arranged for us to have some engagement photos taken today, and the weather was perfect! Our wedding invitations were delivered while we were out, so now I have more work to do! We did dress up a bit for the photos, and after we got home, I took a few more. I used to be overweight, my hair beginning to thin, my teeth were grey, and my hairline was receding. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to look like this...
(https://i.imgur.com/ecZoDwl.jpg)
« on: April 07, 2021, 09:07:45 am »
We delivered our wedding invitations to the Post Office Sunday evening.
Monday we had a Zoom meeting with the online real estate folks, it went well. They loved our house and made a standing offer which was actually quite reasonable, but they suggested that we would be much better off listing it. Apparently, the average time-on-market of homes in our area is four days, and multiple offers are common. Susan and I have stepped up our online search for a new house, and we plan to visit a few of the places we are interested in after our daughter's wedding on May 1st.
Yesterday, Susan and I took our new wedding ring sets to a local jeweler so they can be soldered together, then headed over to David's Bridal for my dress alterations. The dress only needs to have one snap moved a bit to give me more breathing room. They are also going to add a wrist loop so I can pick the train up easily while walking around. They will also fix a loop on the back of the dress which wasn't sewn properly during manufacture. Susan's appointment is this afternoon.
Today a demo crew is scheduled to arrive to remove our old kitchen counters -- pastel pink tile! We are having some granite counters and an undermount sink installed tomorrow. One less thing the eventual new owners will have to deal with...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 23, 2021, 07:43:03 am »
Susan and I got our second COVID-19 vaccination yesterday afternoon. Both of us have sore arms. Susan has not noticed anything else, but I feel somewhat lethargic and tired. Compared to some of the side-effects I've read about, I guess we don't have much to complain about.
Word of warning. Once you complete a legal name change and have your new social security card and drivers license, contact all three credit bureaus and notify them of the change. At a minimum you will need to send a copy of your new drivers license, a copy of the new social security card, and a copy of the court order. Last year I fought with Experian for months before they finally updated my records. Transunion is apparently trans-friendly, they eventually picked up on the change. Equifax on the other hand is quite stubborn. After two frustrating calls where I had to tell them every credit account I've ever had in my life and deadname myself multiple times, they still won't release my credit report. At least they told me the documentation they required and where to send it. I faxed it to them, and mailed a hard-copy. Unfortunately, they can take up to 30 days to update their records. Until then, we can't get pre-approved for a new home loan because Equifax won't release my credit report. We were hoping to look for some houses the first week of May, but due to current market conditions an offer without a pre-approved loan is most often doomed to failure.
Our oldest daughter is getting married on May 1st in Wisconsin. On May 8th, New Mexico Tech is holding a graduation ceremony to make up for the one which was canceled last year, when our youngest daughter graduated. We were planning to look for houses in between those dates, but until Equifax comes through our plans are in limbo. Either way, it's going to be a busy week.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 26, 2021, 07:47:21 pm »
I tried calling Equifax three times today, but could never make it through their automated system far enough to speak with an agent. As a last resort, I set up access to Equifax via my deadname. At least now I can see the status of my 'dispute' asking them to update my name. Personally, I would rather have a root canal than try calling them again.
I received some awesome news yesterday. Nearly three years ago I attended Tia and Debi's wedding in Loveland. Several Susan's Place members planned to attend, and one of them (Kendra) rented a house so we could all stay together. Seven of us (Kendra, Sassy Cassie, Steph 2.0, Laurie, Michelle P, Susan_Rose, and Jessica_Rose) spent two nights in that house, and we formed a bond that will last a lifetime. Steph called the house 'Pleaides Place', so we called ourselves the 'Seven Sisters.' Although we are spread across the US from coast to coast, we are family. On June 5th, for the first time since Tia and Debi's wedding, all seven will gather together once again to celebrate Susan and I getting married. It's a gift we will remember for the rest of our lives.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 12, 2021, 06:37:30 pm »
It's been a few weeks since my last post, and a lot has happened...
Short version -- we made an offer on a new home, our oldest daughter got married, our youngest daughter officially graduated, our house is for sale, and we have our new wedding license. Not bad for two weeks!
Our daughter's wedding on May 1st in Wisconsin went smoothly. They were originally going to have the ceremony at a state park, but the parks were still closed due to COVID-19. My daughter mentioned this to her manager, and a few hours later she discovered her company would allow her to have the ceremony on their campus! It got quite windy after the ceremony, so we moved the reception into one of the campus buildings. Our oldest daughter is now happily married to a man Susan and I adore.
The next day (Sunday), Susan and I headed down to Little Rock, AR. On Monday we met with a realtor and a loan officer to start the process of buying a new home. We made our initial offer on a home during our daughter's rehearsal dinner the night before her wedding. I am well aware of the anti-trans laws Arkansas has been passing, but Little Rock puts us closer to our daughters, and only about three hours away from many of our relatives. Everyone we met in Arkansas gave us a warm welcome, so I'm hopeful the move will work out well.
Tuesday we drove to my dad's house in Louisiana and spent a few days visiting relatives. Thursday, we headed off towards Socorro, NM. Our youngest daughter graduated from New Mexico Tech last year, but the graduation had been canceled due to COVID-19. The college offered those graduates who missed out on a ceremony last year to join them this year. Saturday morning (8 May) we watched our daughter officially graduate!
Today we had a few more significant events. A 'For Sale' sign is now in our front yard, and we went to the County Clerk and Recorders office to get our new marriage license. I also contacted a national moving company to get an estimate for our move to Arkansas.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 15, 2021, 06:58:46 pm »
Yesterday I was informed that our loan application had been approved, and that all we needed was an appraisal, and of course to sell our existing house. Today we received an offer, and we may have a second offer tomorrow morning. Unless something unexpected happens, we will most likely accept a contract on our house Sunday morning.
While we were visiting my dad last week, he asked us to help him find some of mom's jewelry. When my dad was in Vietnam in the mid-1960's, he visited a jeweler in Thailand. He hand-selected several black star sapphires and had them set into a pair of earrings and a necklace. We found the jewelry, and I will be wearing it when Susan and I remarry three weeks from today -- on what would have been my parent's 66th wedding anniversary.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 28, 2021, 04:39:31 pm »
Our house is sold, it only took two days to get a full-price offer. The appraisal and inspection went well. Our agent has told us that we have met all of the buyer's conditions, and we are on course to close on 18 June. As far as the home we are buying, everything appears to be on schedule for closing on 30 June.
This weekend will probably be the last softball tournament I photograph in Colorado. I've been taking photos for the local high school team for nine years, and seven years for a club team. I found out that the high school coach has decided not to return for the next school year, and the coach of the club team will not return after this season. Sounds like a good time for all of us to start a new chapter in our lives.
We're finalizing plans for our wedding on 5 June. All of the RSVPs are in, meal choices and seating arrangements are set. We have selected the music our violinist will play, and we have given our photographer a list of photos we would like. Our dresses are back after some minor alterations, and our daughters have made their travel arrangements. It will be a small wedding, only 28 people, but all of them have played a role in our journey. Some of them are travelling thousands of miles to help us celebrate. A few years ago, I didn't have friends like these. I'm glad I will only need to say two words during the ceremony...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 02, 2021, 05:04:36 am »
Today is our 37th Anniversary! This may be the last time we recognize today as an anniversary. We don't have any plans to mark the occasion today, but we do have a little something planned for Saturday...
I contacted our hair stylist, makeup artist, and violinist yesterday -- all of them are on schedule. Our wedding officiant will visit on Friday so we can go over everything. One of our daughters and her husband arrived Monday, the other daughter will arrive Friday evening. The final guest list and their meal choices have been submitted, and the place cards are ready.
Here is one of the pre-wedding photos from our photographer...
(https://i.imgur.com/lX9En2Y.jpg)
« on: June 06, 2021, 07:30:04 pm »
I'm not sure when our photos will be ready, but the photographer was very gracious and agreed to send us one today. I have also uploaded the video to Vimeo. The video was a last-minute addition taken by a friend who volunteered, and I think she did a great job for us. The young ladies who walked us down the aisle are our daughters.
If we had done this five years ago, the room would have nearly empty. I'm not even sure if our daughters would have come, and that's a reflection on the person I used to be. All of our guests are people I have met since beginning my journey. They aren't friends, they are family.
Once the ceremony started, everything became a blur. It was over too quickly, but it was indeed an awesome day!!!
Password: susansplace
https://vimeo.com/559766573?share=copy
(https://i.imgur.com/1ApJYEl.jpg)
« on: June 19, 2021, 04:03:59 am »
There were several 'graduates' of Susan's Place at our wedding, it was great having the gang together again!
Our new wedding license came back from the Clerk and Recorder's Office on Thursday, so now it's official! If celebrating our wedding wasn't enough for one month, yesterday we finalized the sale of our house in Colorado. Next Friday we are scheduled to close the purchase of our new home. If all goes as planned, we will start moving in July 12th.
I'll be in Denver later today, attending one last softball tournament for 'my' team. For the last seven years I photographed most of their games, but today I will not be taking photos. Today I will watch them play. For the first time ever, I will be a spectator.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 27, 2021, 07:50:06 am »
Last Friday we closed the sale of our old house, and the buyers came by for a visit. We had a nice conversation, and they measured every room in the house. Apparently, they are planning some remodeling.
Wednesday afternoon we headed down to Little Rock AR to close on our new home. While on the road Thursday morning, the loan officer called about a new document we had to sign. We found a safe place to stop and were able to sign the document using our phones. The loan officer said we could still close Friday and didn't mention any other concerns.
We arrived at our hotel Thursday evening, and Friday morning went to our new house. Signing was set for 1:00pm. Unfortunately, it never happened. Due to paperwork delays, our closing was pushed out until next week, could we stay until Monday? No, we had commitments in Colorado! Despite promises, our loan officer was unable to close as scheduled. We had to return home without the keys to our new house. While on the road home Friday evening, we were told our loan had been approved and all we needed was to sign the paperwork.
To complicate the process, our real estate agent changed brokers Friday afternoon. The old broker will not allow her to contact her existing clients! The broker assigned a new agent to handle the sale, but we don't want to discuss our situation with yet another stranger. Not only will the loan officer not respond over the weekend, but now we can't even discuss the issue with our real estate agent. We feel abandoned. We are exceptionally unhappy and significantly stressed out over this situation. We have been promised a remote signing Tuesday, but so far they have been unable to fulfill their promises. I really hope they come through this time, because I plan to drive one of our cars down next Saturday and fly back Sunday evening. I already bought the plane ticket.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 30, 2021, 06:41:43 pm »
It took longer than it should have, but as of 4:00pm MT today (Denver time zone), Susan and I finally have a new home.
This weekend I will be driving down once again, with a car full of things we don't want the movers to handle. The car will stay in our new garage, and I will fly back to Colorado Springs. The packers are scheduled to arrive next Wednesday, with loading on Friday. We don't have a firm delivery date yet, but Susan, Prince and I will arrive at our new home on Sunday and camp out until our goods arrive. Internet service, and a refrigerator, are supposed to arrive Monday.
In addition to a new house, Susan and I get a fresh start. Hopefully my past will remain in the past, and our future can be whatever we want to make of it.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 07, 2021, 05:11:16 am »
My trip down to Arkansas went well. I now have all the keys and garage door openers secured, and I changed the code for the garage door. Our real estate agent gave us a Roomba-style robot vacuum as a house-warming gift!
I had two electrolysis sessions this week, and I've been planning on some return trips for more -- one 3 - 4 hour session per month would probably work. I located one electrologist within an hour's drive of our new house, but so far she hasn't responded to my email.
The fun starts today. The packers won't arrive until around 2:00pm this afternoon, so Susan and I have some time to set aside the things we will want to take with us. Delivery may not occur until a week after loading. We loved this house when we first moved in and it has served us well, but now it is time to go. Only three more nights until we leave...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 08, 2021, 05:03:38 am »
The packers arrived around 12:30 yesterday and made some headway. Today they are bringing reinforcements to make sure it gets finished. Susan and I plan to load up our car this morning. I'll probably box up my computer this evening, and I may let them move it too. We have several houseplants Susan wants to take, so it's going to be a tight fit. I already backed up our photos and important files to an external hard drive (which I took to our new house). The next few days are going to be quite hectic, but soon we will be home.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 27, 2021, 02:17:16 pm »
These last few weeks have been challenging...
The movers completed their task late Friday night (9 July). As soon as the movers left, Susan and I began cleaning the house and repairing / repainting a few areas that were damaged during the frenzy. We didn't sleep that night. Around 8:30am Saturday we had a junk hauler visit and haul away old boxes and items the movers wouldn't pack. Later that morning a friend came by and picked up any food we had in our refrigerator. After making sure the house was in good condition and that we weren't leaving anything behind, around 1:00pm we waved goodbye to our old house and hit the road.
After spending the night in Elk City OK, we arrived at our new home around 3:00pm Sunday and set up camp. On Monday (12 July) our internet service was installed, in the afternoon we discovered that our new refrigerator would not arrive until the 27th... of August! I made a trip to our local Home Depot and loaded a 10cu ft refrigerator into our CR-V and took it home. Later that day we received some bad news, one of my aunts has passed away. On Tuesday I went back to work from the only quiet place I could set up my laptop, a closet! Later that week we got a delivery date from our movers -- 21 July.
The movers arrived around 11:00am on July 21st and began unloading. That was a really rough day, and not just because of all the damage they did to the walls in our new house. We also had a few items totally destroyed, damaged, or missing. We still have a lot of boxes to go through, and we're hopeful the missing items will appear.
So far all is well. The few neighbors we have met seem nice, and we have not had any issues with the locals. We are finally sleeping in our own bed again, and loving the huge shower in the master bath! I will be attending my aunt's funeral in San Antonio next week, and the following week I will head back to Colorado Springs to clean out my old desk. I have already set up two appointments with my electrologist for that week, since I have not had time to find one near our new home. We still have a lot of work to do, but we are slowly settling in.
...and yes, today is my birthday. Thanks Danielle and Davina for the warm wishes!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 16, 2021, 08:22:50 am »
On August 2nd I drove to San Antonio for my aunt's funeral, she was my mom's older sister. I talked to a few relatives, and some distant relatives remembered me from my mom's funeral early last year. My dad traveled to the funeral with my brother, but dad didn't want to hang around for the reception and he asked me to drive him home (a 7hr drive). I had been hoping to attend the reception after the funeral, but after talking to relatives for about 20 minutes, we were on the road to my dad's house. We got in around 8:30pm and I spent the night there. The next morning, I hit the road early and got home around 10:00am.
The following weekend I was on the road again, this time to Colorado Springs so I could clean out my old desk. I left home on August 7th and spent the night in Elk City, OK. I arrived in Colorado Springs the next day and met some friends for a late lunch. My friends were parents and coaches involved with a softball team I had taken photos of for the last seven seasons. We stayed in the restaurant nearly three hours talking primarily about softball! I really do miss taking photos at their games...
I was the first person in the office Monday. My desk was exactly as I had left it, including a note I had written on my whiteboard before we were all sent home -- 'I shall return'. I saw five other people that day, but the numbers dwindled as the days passed. On Friday I only saw one other person on my floor. There are normally hundreds of people in the building. While in town I visited Kris (my electrologist) three times. I hadn't seen her in five weeks! After about eight hours of electrolysis and conversation through the week we were all caught up. Finding a good electrologist can be difficult, but I can't visit Kris every week anymore. She volunteered to open her shop on a Saturday for me, so I have planned a quick trip back in late September.
One of the softball moms invited me and a few other friends to dinner Wednesday evening, she even made some fresh chocolate chip cookies! It's always nice spending time with good friends.
Thursday afternoon I visited one of our old neighbors. She had been taking care of some plants for us, along with a few boxes of things the movers wouldn't take. After loading everything up, we talked for an hour or so and shared a fresh peach pie she had baked. We had been neighbors for 15 years, and that was by far the longest conversation we ever had.
On Friday I packed up all the personal items in my desk and started the drive home. It was a bit emotional for me, leaving my office for possibly the last time. After driving through some torrential rain, I spent the night in Elk City once again. I made it home Saturday afternoon, just in time to mow the yard!
Susan and I are still going through boxes and trying to get our home set up. Right now, we are just trying to empty all the boxes and find a furniture configuration that works, eventually we will find the time to rearrange things more appropriately. The day I left for Colorado Springs our wedding photos arrived. Susan and I plan to look through them later this week, and maybe even post a few here...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 30, 2021, 10:47:25 am »
As promised, a few photos from our wedding...
The first photo is our youngest daughter escorting me down the aisle. I think she looks simply amazing in that dress! My necklace and earrings, along with Susan's brooch, were on loan from my dad. He had them custom made for my mom during a visit to Thailand while stationed in Viet Nam during the mid-1960's. Sadly, we lost my mom to cancer early last year. Wearing the jewelry was our way of honoring her memory. The knife we used to cut the cake was from our first wedding, 37 years ago. Our wedding was held on what would have been my parent's 66th wedding anniversary.
Our wedding was also somewhat historic. The venue started hosting weddings in 2014, and over 800 weddings have been celebrated there. According to our wedding coordinator, this was the first wedding of its type they had ever hosted.
I realize how lucky I am. Hopefully, one day stories like ours will become more common.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/KeN1xWY.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/UMB8HUw.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/UxWrpLz.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/jMbXJKy.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/ze55hzz.jpg)
« on: August 30, 2021, 01:16:06 pm »
In addition to our youngest daughter walking me down the aisle, our oldest daughter walked my wife down the aisle. Both of our daughters even signed as witnesses on our new wedding license. The wedding was over all too quickly, I wish with the day could have gone on forever...
Susan and I were first married way back in 1984, as husband and wife. I went full-time in Feb 2018, and Susan took my transition quite hard. There were many days when I was certain she would leave. Eventually she realized that I had become a better version of the person she had married all those years ago. The state we lived in allows couples who are currently married to legally re-marry each other, including a new marriage license. We had many reasons to get remarried. One was simply the legal aspect of proving our marriage, I didn't want to be forced to 'out' myself ever again. Since we didn't have to dissolve our first marriage to get remarried, I joke with Susan that she is now technically a polygamist!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 17, 2021, 07:08:17 pm »
I picked up a few things at the grocery store today and decided to get a bouquet of flowers for Susan. As I was checking out the selection, an old man walked up to me and said:
"All them flowers ain't half as pretty as what you are."
Some days I question my appearance -- not just if I am pretty, but I wonder if people see me as a woman. I thanked him, but I doubt he realizes how much he brightened my day.
Friends. All my life I thought I had friends. My dad was in the military. I was in the military. We moved quite often. I have called eight different states 'home'. Every time we moved, I made a new set of friends, while my old friends faded into distant memories. I finally realized that those people, as nice as they were, weren't actually friends. It wasn't their fault, it was mine.
I'm planning another Colorado Springs trip to visit my electrologist, Kris. She normally works Monday - Thursday. She offered to open on Saturday, her day off, and spend the entire day working on just me. I also contacted my stylist, Amy. She works Monday - Thursday, plus Saturday. I was hoping for an appointment early Saturday morning, before my appointment with Kris. Amy suggested I come in Friday afternoon, her day off, and she would spend as much time with me as needed. I realize I am their client, but how many people would give up their personal time to care for a client? Kris and Amy aren't doing this just because I'm a client, they're doing this to help a friend. Friends care about the health and well-being of each other, friends share in each other's joy and pain. Friends keep their friends in their thoughts.
I don't think it was a coincidence that I started making friends when I began my journey. First there was my original electrologist, CJ. Next was Amy, my stylist. Slowly but surely, others followed. Now I have friends who will volunteer their time off to help me, and friends who will travel thousands of miles just to spend a few hours to celebrate a wedding. After all these years I finally understand what it means to have, and to be, a true friend.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 04, 2021, 10:45:46 am »
My trip to Colorado Springs went well. The Friday afternoon hair stylist appointment is set for my next trip in early November, so for this trip I scheduled a doctor-requested mammogram at a Colorado Springs imaging center. The procedure went well, and the results were 'negative'. Later that afternoon I had dinner with my manager (I'll call him 'S'). 'S' became my manager just a few weeks after I went full-time, and he never knew <deadname>. He has been the best manager I've ever had, technically I guess he is also the only manager I've ever had! 'S' has been a part of my journey, providing much-needed support and asking questions along the way. He has thanked me for being so open with him, and for helping him gain a deeper understanding of the struggles we face. He also mentioned that he has only ever known the happy person that I am now. I'm glad he never met <deadname>. It was really nice spending some time with 'S' again.
I saw Kris on Saturday. Even with an afternoon lunch break, she was able to complete about five hours of electrolysis. Kris is extremely thorough, even going after what we call 'long peach fuzz'. We have made great progress over the years, but she has a lot of ground to cover. Face, neck, ears, eyebrows, underarms, back, chest, stomach, bikini area, legs, and rear -- laser hair removal did take care of the vast majority of body hair, but occasional stragglers are showing up. She was able to clear everything except one 'cheek'.
The trip from my home to Colorado Springs is 945 miles, a little over 13 hours driving time one-way. I'm not sure if I'll be able to visit regularly over the winter months, but I'll try to schedule a visit every 4 - 5 weeks. I realize this seems like a lot of trouble to go through for an electrologist visit, but Kris is way more than an electrologist -- she is my friend.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 08, 2021, 06:09:09 am »
Last Thursday afternoon I hit the road for another trip to Colorado Springs. The weather was nearly perfect for my entire trip. I spent the night in Elk City OK, and arrived in Colorado Springs around 1:00pm Friday. My first stop was in our old neighborhood to visit with a friend. At 4:00pm I went to see my hair stylist. It's a long way to go for a hair appointment, but Amy is the only person who has ever done my hair! After a little color, a 'Brazilian blowout', and a light trim, I was off to meet friends for dinner.
Saturday morning started off with a little shopping, then an appointment with my electrologist (Kris) at 10:00am. Another friend, Brenda (who also knows Kris), dropped by and visited with us while Kris continued working. We had a late lunch at the 'Golden Bee' (the fish and chips were awesome), then went back to work. Kris finished up with me around 6:00pm, then I headed down to Raton NM for the night. I left Raton early Sunday morning and made it home around 7:30pm.
At one time Brenda worked at either a mortuary or in a coroner's office, and she is very familiar with human anatomy. Brenda has always been curious about my journey, and she is very diplomatic with her questions. While we were with Kris, I allowed Brenda to see the results of my surgery. She was a bit shocked. Brenda said everything looked like original equipment! Other than medical professionals, only Susan, Kris, and Brenda have seen Dr. Ley's work. Although I have always been happy with the results of my surgeries, Brenda's comments were very affirming.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 13, 2021, 06:54:50 pm »
Our Thanksgiving went very well. My dad, my brother, a sister-in-law, a nephew, and our daughter Kimberly were able to celebrate with us. There was no accidental deadnaming or misgendering either, which was a first.
Yesterday I returned from yet another trip to Colorado Springs, this time Susan and Prince (our whippet) came along too. We tried a different route which was longer, but it was supposed to be faster -- it wasn't. Not including the mileage around town, the round trip was 2062 miles (3318km). While in town we stayed with a friend who lived down the street from our old house. There were a few snow flurries Friday morning and it was cold, but overall the trip went smoothly.
I was able to visit my electrologist three times -- two hours Thursday afternoon, two hours Friday morning, and five hours on Saturday. Although it sounds like I still have a long way to go, it's only because Kris treats what we refer to as 'long peach fuzz'. She checks every part of my body for unwanted hair, and in reality there isn't much left. The only area that requires occasional shaving is under my chin, and after electrolysis that area remains clear for about two weeks.
In between visits with Kris I did a little Christmas shopping, including a visit to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. I also had to get an oil change. A few hours after we started our trip the 'maintenance required' message popped up. Our Honda dealer in Colorado Springs was able to take care of it early Friday morning. Susan visited our favorite hair stylist Saturday during my long session with Kris. About two hours into the Saturday session, our friend Brenda joined us for some conversation. We took a lunch break in the afternoon, then finished in time for me to pick up Susan and Prince to start the trip back to Arkansas. I left my work schedule with Kris so she can set up a schedule for future visits. We really enjoyed our visit, but those long drives are quite tiring.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 22, 2021, 04:52:53 am »
I think COVID-19 will be around forever, like the flu. We can either let it control us, or we can take sensible precautions and go on about our lives. My soul was trapped in darkness for decades, and now she finds any sort of confinement intolerable. I'll take the vaccines, wear masks where required, avoid crowds, but I won't lock her away anymore.
As this is our first Christmas in our new house, Susan and I decided to celebrate at home. One of our daughters will be joining us on Christmas day, so we won't be by ourselves this year.
Some neighbors invited us for a Christmas party Thursday evening, just an informal neighborhood celebration. The housing development we live in has only been around for about 18 months, so all of us are fairly new to the area. It's great not having neighbors who know about my past, but I'm a little paranoid about letting something slip which may trigger questions I don't want to answer. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the witness protection program.
As for sharing and posting... I think unicorns (rare and beautiful people) like us fall into two categories -- those who can embrace their past, and those who need to leave their past behind. I've read that's why only one of the Wachowski sisters is involved in the new 'Matrix Resurrections' movie. Lana wanted to revisit her past, a place where she finds comfort. Lilly didn't want to be a part of it:
"And there was something about the idea of going backward and being a part of something that I had done before that was expressly unappealing. And, like, I didn't want to have gone through my transition and gone through this massive upheaval in my life, the sense of loss from my mom and dad, to want to go back to something that I had done before, and sort of [walk] over old paths that I had walked in, felt emotionally unfulfilling, and really the opposite — like I was going to go back and live in these old shoes, in a way. And I didn't want to do that." -- Lilly Wachowski
I like helping others navigate their way through or around transition, but there are many others on this site who often provide more eloquent guidance. I'm beginning to understand why the sisters I met when I first joined this site have moved on, I think I am the last one from our group who still posts here. Staying here sometimes feels like an anchor, one that I desperately needed for a while, but now it has become one which ties me to a past I would rather leave behind.
Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones Danielle, and to everyone else reading this.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 28, 2021, 07:28:35 am »
Five years ago, I was an angry person full of rage. At one time just a heartbeat away from ending their life and lives of their entire family. On this day five years ago, I had an epiphany. I discovered the source of my anger. Only five years have passed, but to me it was a lifetime. During those years:
- Jessica Rose was born.
- A daughter graduated college.
- A brother passed away.
- My mom passed away.
- My wife and I battled COVID-19.
- A daughter got married.
- My wife and I remarried.
- My wife and I relocated closer to family.
- An aunt passed away.
Woven around those events were therapist visits, laser hair removal treatments, medical appointments, a courtroom appearance, over 600 hours of electrolysis, and multiple surgeries.
As a storm approaches you instinctively seek shelter. As the storm intensifies you try to protect what is most precious to you. You hold on for dear life to the sturdiest thing you can find, hoping its strength will help you survive. As the storm rages, sometimes it wrenches things from your grasp. Eventually the storm subsides, then you can survey the damage left in it's wake. Despite your best efforts, some of your most precious things have been carried away by the storm, while others have survived with various amounts of damage. Some of the damaged items can be fixed, while others may have been damaged beyond repair. Some items which meant nothing before may now hold a special meaning, as somehow they survived and stayed by your side. Transitioning is one of the greatest storms anyone will ever face.
My storm of transition has passed. Despite tremendous odds, everything that was most precious to me survived. The few things I lost were replaced by others the storm brought to my doorstep and left behind. The overall damage was minimal, but there were a few unexpected and unintended side-effects. My love for Susan was what I held on to throughout the storm. Although we survived and in many ways grew stronger, our relationship has irreversibly changed. We still love each other deeply and plan to spend our lives together, but part of our relationship was lost. I'm just beginning to understand how large of a loss that was. I'm hopeful the spark we once shared will one day return.
Some reminders of my journey will always be treasured, while others remind me too much of my past and must be left behind. One item which falls into both categories is the compass I used to help guide my journey, Susan's Place. I find it to be a constant reminder of a painful past I need to leave behind. I won't rule out occasional return visits, but I'm going to step away for a while. I thank all of those who helped me along the way, and I hope my experiences will help some of those who follow. I wish all of you a safe journey.
Five years ago transitioning seemed to be an impossible dream, today that dream is my reality. My daily struggle with anger is gone. My relationship with my daughters is better than ever. My wife is still by my side. I have a new life, and I have hope for our future.
When I started my journey, I looked in the mirror and told myself that I was going to 'make one ugly woman'. Now when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful woman staring back. Some days I'm not quite sure who she is. As I look at her reflection I shake my head in wonder... and then she smiles.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/UWv31Jh.jpg)
My Journey
by Jessica Rose
His mind fraught with pain.
Protecting her all his life.
In darkness she waits.
Consumed with anger,
He sensed his end approaching.
He must set her free.
He shared his secret.
Gentle light now bathed her soul.
She began to grow.
Soon she became strong.
For her to bloom, he must fade.
His silent goodbye.
Surgery finished.
Reminders of him are gone.
His journey complete.
Her soul emerges.
Painful memories recede.
She is free to be.
Awake from her sleep.
Her mind and body align.
Her eyes open wide.
At last, I am she.
A new world beckons me on.
My journey begins.
Her new life awaits.
Her soul dances in the sun.
She is finally me.
« on: March 23, 2022, 01:21:51 pm »
Well, I did say I wouldn't rule out future visits...
First, I wish all of you the strength you need to become the person you were meant to be.
Today is another of my many anniversaries. March 23, five years ago, I started HRT. Although I was frightened about the uncertain future I faced, it was a step I had to take. Looking back, it was one of the best decisions of my life.
Everything has been going well. I've made a few more trips to Colorado Springs to visit friends. One visit included a seven-hour session with my electrologist, along with a lunch break. I have found a local electrologist, but I only let him work on my face and neck. He seems really nice, but there are some places where I'm not comfortable allowing him to work -- places where no man has gone before!
I finally completed my name change paperwork with the Veterans Administration. All of their systems now know me as 'Jessica', and I even have a VA medical ID card. I also restarted my battle with EquiFax. They claim my records have been updated, but I have not been able to verify their claim. I'm hopeful I may be able to put this fight behind me soon.
In early February I made a trip down to Scottsdale for a minor revision. I wanted to get it done before Dr. Ley moved to the Gender Confirmation Center in San Francisco. My lip implants had migrated quite a bit. Dr. Ley said she had never seen that happen before. Luckily, she had an opening the week of my visit and was able to remove then re-insert the implants in a more aesthetic position. It was quite uncomfortable for a few days, but it does look much better now.
Susan and I are still doing well, still trying to set up our house after moving to Arkansas last year. One of our daughters is coming for a visit this weekend, and we will also be attending a relative's wedding in Hot Springs, AR. So far all of our neighbors have been welcoming, and we haven't had any issues with the locals.
I don't know if I will ever truly be the person I should have been, but I am much closer now than I was five years ago. I'm still hopeful that one day my deadname will longer echo in the corners of my mind...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: March 27, 2022, 05:31:18 pm »
Susan, Kimberly, her boyfriend and I hiked Pinnacle Mountain on Friday. The trail is 1.5 miles long with an elevation gain of 730 feet. The peak is only 1,011ft above sea level, but that counts as a mountain in Arkansas. While we were at the top a C-130 cargo plane did a fly-by at eye level around the top of the peak. I think they waved as they went by. We all attended a wedding last Saturday at Garvan Woodland Gardens in Hot Springs, AR. The weather was great, the gardens were beautiful, and our niece's wedding went smoothly. We even met a young married couple with a background similar to ours - one spouse transitioned just a year after they got married.
Now about today... I love long, hot showers. Relaxing, refreshing, sensual. Unfortunately, once I get out of the shower I'm greeted by my enemy, the mirror. It usually tortures me by showing me the face of the person I used to be. For some reason today was different. Today I got out of the shower and something in the mirror caught my attention. I stared at my reflection for a few moments before realizing that the only person I could see was Jessica. My smile grew as tears began to form. Like the first time you see your true self in the mirror and it catches you off guard, it awakens emotions that you normally keep hidden. I looked even more closely at my reflection, trying to see the person I used to be. After a few minutes I realized the only reflection I could see was me, and the tears began to flow. It only took a little over five years, but it was worth every second.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 06, 2022, 06:29:56 pm »
Susan and I are still doing well. I called Equifax again over the weekend. Despite their assurances, I'm not convinced they have made all of the required changes. They are going to mail me a copy of my credit report, so I'll know what it looks like in a few more days.
We put down 64 bags of mulch over the weekend, now the flower beds are looking really nice. We also moved two shrubs in front of our house and replaced them with rose bushes. Susan has always loved tulips, but we never had any luck with them in Colorado. They seem to like it here!
Some of you may have noticed a slight change in my status. I accepted an invitation to be a moderator on the forums. I'm still learning, so far it's going well. The other moderators are very friendly and they have been helping me learn the ropes. As much as I've benefitted from being on the forums these last few years, I thought it would be nice to give something back to Susan's Place.
I'm planning another trip to Colorado Springs 14-16 April. I'll be visiting my favorite stylist (Amy) and having a few more electrolysis sessions with Kris. Hopefully the weather will cooperate a little better this time.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/9JUlRyT.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/we9MRD2.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/JMR4oGw.jpg)
« on: April 09, 2022, 05:44:11 pm »
My thanks to all of you for your warm responses! Moderating has its moments, but most people play nice. The majority of things we correct are just simple mistakes which are easy for members to make. We do our best to help keep this a safe, friendly site for everyone.
Rayna, it only takes a few long sessions with Kris to realize how remarkable she is. I wish I could see her more often, but only being able to visit every six weeks just makes the trips even more special. She is a wonderful person, and I thank CJ for finding such a tremendously warm, caring person to continue her legacy of amazing service to our community.
Thanks also for comments about the photos. These last few years have been so busy that I haven't had much time to enjoy my favorite hobby. Hopefully I will be able to start taking more photos this year, and posting a few.
I received a copy of my credit report from EquiFax today, and promptly called them again. With one exception, everything on the report looks great, they even show my 'Name On File' correctly. The problem? The mailing address on the envelope included my deadname! Even the greeting said 'Dear (deadname)'! Everything else on the report was perfect. I explained the issue to the customer service rep, and the call lasted well over 30 minutes. The rep documented the issue and sent it to 'technical services'. I'm not going to hold my breath...
Susan planted some tomato seeds about six weeks ago, and the plants are now about two inches tall. A few days ago, I bought some tomato plants (cherry and 'better boy') which were significantly taller and snuck them into the house, placing them by the ones Susan planted. Susan was suddenly speechless when she saw how fast her plants had grown! She figured it out after a few minutes, and thanked me for the surprise.
Although we haven't had a second bout of COVID-19, we scheduled a second booster tomorrow. We do not want to catch it again! Everything else has been going well. A few more tulips have started to bloom, and the lawn is slowly turning green...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 11, 2022, 06:33:48 pm »
While picking up a few groceries today I got into a conversation with a slightly older lady. She said I looked and sounded very familiar, then asked if I had a sister. We talked for several minutes, then she asked about my husband. I hesitated for a second, then replied 'I have a wife'. The expression on her face immediately changed, then she said 'well, I don't judge'. My first thought was 'yes, you do.' The conversation was pretty much over then. Imagine what she would have done if I had told her a little more. I guess the good news is that she had no idea...
I also found an interesting product on clearance. It's obvious why it's on clearance -- it isn't selling because none of us are broken.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/ec24ZBj.jpg)
« on: April 18, 2022, 10:36:02 am »
Last night I got home from another trip to Colorado Springs. I've made the trip so many times that it doesn't seem like that long of a drive (about 13 hours, one way). I've already scheduled another visit for late May.
When I got into town Thursday, one of my first stops was the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. My dad loves their chocolates, so I always buy him a box when we visit. A little later I met my electrologist (Kris) for a one hour session. Kris noticed that my upper lip was more sensitive than usual, so she offered me a sample of 'Numb Master'. I applied the cream above my lip and let it sit while Kris worked on my neck. After about 10 - 15 minutes the numbness became apparent. When Kris went back to work on my upper lip it felt much better. It wasn't 100% painless, but it was much more tolerable. After the appointment I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner, but he got called to fix a furnace. After waiting several hours without an update, I finally gave up on him. Next time I'll just tell him when and where I plan to eat. At least that way I'll get dinner whether he joins me or not.
Friday morning I had an appointment with Amy, the only person who has ever cut and styled Jessica's hair. She refreshed the color, gave it a keratin treatment, then trimmed and styled my hair. It looked great until I stepped outside -- Colorado Springs is the windiest place I have ever lived! As soon as the appointment was over, I drove to the other end of town for another appointment with Kris. She was able to work about 2.5 hours before she had to leave for an appointment of her own.
After the appointment with Kris, I went back to my hotel and freshened up. Later that afternoon CJ and her husband stopped by to take me to dinner. CJ was my first electrologist (when CJ retired, Kris took over her electrolysis business). CJ was also the first person I came out to and my Matron of Honor when Susan and I got remarried. CJ's husband is awesome! He always opens the doors for us, and he is the only man who has ever helped me put on my coat. We enjoyed some great food while getting caught up with each other's lives.
Saturday morning I loaded everything back into my car, then went for yet another appointment with Kris. She worked on me for about 4.5 hours, not counting a break for lunch the the Garden of the Gods Market & Cafe. I fell asleep at least once during our session after lunch. I finally pulled out of town around 5:30pm and spent the night in Clayton, NM. I made it home around 7:00pm Sunday evening after an uneventful drive.
It took over five years for me to get where I am now. Although that seems like forever, looking back the time passed quickly. Five years of your life may seem like a high price to pay, but for me it was worth every second. Finally being at peace with myself is priceless.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: April 28, 2022, 08:31:33 am »
Susan and I visited my dad last weekend. We stopped to pick up lunch for everyone on the way. He had been complaining about not being able to hear the TV very well. I made some adjustments on the audio equalizer to enhance the higher frequencies, and that seemed to help quite a bit. My mom had planted several varieties of daylilies and iris over the years. The daylilies have not started blooming yet, but some of the iris were looking good! I also ordered a new wiring harness for his boat trailer. The boat engine needs work, but he has to fix the trailer before he can take the boat in for repairs. We haven't gone fishing in many years, but he wants to go out as soon as he gets the boat fixed. My dad and I spent many hours together fishing on local lakes, and it would be awesome to go out again one of these days.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/uOkRcgW.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/aDRKwb3.jpg)
« on: May 01, 2022, 02:42:33 pm »
Susan wanted to do something different today, so we visited Garvan Gardens in Hot Springs, AR. It was a beautiful day, mostly sunny, calm, temperature around 80F. The gardens cover over 240 acres and are mostly shaded by tall trees, so it was quite comfortable. Maybe next time I'll take less camera equipment and just enjoy the gardens. The storms of transition have passed, life goes on...
(https://i.imgur.com/xIWVMVO.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/YpsNAjc.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/SE0Iskh.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/cxdAuyl.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/oNtXRRf.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/b7JxoFB.jpg)
« on: May 05, 2022, 05:56:56 pm »
I've been sidetracked with other things for several years, but I really want to get back into photography. It can be challenging at times, but getting an occasional 'perfect' photo is always a nice feeling. Sometimes I get a bit carried away with all the gear though.
My manager told me about a team outing planned for early June in Cleveland, OH (company HQ). No one in Cleveland has seen me in person for well over two years, since before my last two facial surgeries. I wonder if anyone will notice? All of my co-workers have been great, and most of them know my history. It will be interesting to see if any of them make a comment. I'm not looking forward to the drive (I try to avoid flying), but I am looking forward to seeing everyone again.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 08, 2022, 05:42:47 pm »
We have a few areas behind our house which don't get much sun, so the grass wasn't doing very well. My solution for problem areas of lawn is to turn them into flower beds. I peeled up what was left of the sod, only to discover a carpet of rocks. Builders never really prepare a lot for sod, they just place the expensive green carpet over rocks, bricks, broken concrete, and whatever else need to be buried. We're not quite sure what we're going to plant yet, but daylilies and iris are always part of the mix -- those are hard to kill.
Two of our neighbors came over to talk and check out our work. Somehow the topic shifted to age, and one of them asked how old I was. I asked her to take a guess. She said '40?' I gave her a hug and told her she was my new best friend! She was quite surprised when I told her that I'll turn 60 in July.
One of our amaryllis bloomed the past week, and another is just starting to bud...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/bLWELpr.jpg)
« on: May 30, 2022, 10:36:11 am »
I left Monday afternoon (23 May) for another visit to Colorado Springs. The road started off nice, but by late evening it began to rain. The next morning started off with clouds, then fog, then rain, and eventually light snow across northern New Mexico and the Raton Pass. The weather didn't clear up until I was north of Pueblo, CO.
I was able to visit Kris (my electrologist) for two hours on Tuesday afternoon. It was nice to get a good cleanup before meeting my friends later in the week. We had dinner at 503W (a local restaurant) in Colorado Springs. Of course, just as we started to leave it began pouring rain!
Wednesday morning I visited my stylist (Amy). She did a great job with my hair and even noticed some new growth. She was done in plenty of time for me to drive up to Denver for my annual medical exam. The doctor visit went smoothly, but the visit to the lab could have gone better. The tech missed the vein in my left arm, but was able to get the one on my right arm. As I was walking out to my car, I noticed the gauze pad was already soaked. I went back inside and the lab personnel looked at me like I was suddenly a trauma patient! They took care of it quickly and I was on my way again.
Wednesday afternoon I had dinner with two awesome friends, Debi and Tia. They drove down from Loveland just to visit with me. We talked for several hours, but all too soon it was time for us to leave. It had been nearly a year since we last saw each other, and it was great seeing them again.
Thursday I drove down to Canon City to visit with CJ and her husband, Howard. We had dinner at a local Mexican restaurant and spent several hours catching up. CJ was my Matron of Honor. She was also my first electrologist, and she was the first person I came out to. If not for her support, I may not have made it through those early days.
Friday evening I had dinner with a family of friends, Carl, Gina, their daughter Hannah, and her boyfriend. I met them when I used to take photos at softball games. Hannah was on the team, and she is one of the most amazing young women I have ever met.
Earlier on Friday I had a 1.5 hour electrolysis session with Kris. She came in with a package and opened it to reveal a shoebox. I thought she was going to show me some new shoes she found. I was surprised when she told me the shoes were for me! I don't think anyone other than my parents had ever bought me a pair of shoes. These are also quite special... white leather hi-tops with rainbow laces and soles, and stitching on the sides saying 'walk with pride'. I think she just wanted to make me cry.
Saturday morning I did a little shopping before visiting Kris again. Around noon another friend showed up, and the three of us went to the Garden of the Gods Market for lunch. After a few more hours of electrolysis, it was time for me to hit the road home.
I have made many new friends these last few years, friends who have stayed by my side through some rough times. Friends who truly understand what it means to be a friend, and what it means to be an ally...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
New hairstyle, no makeup
(https://i.imgur.com/DqnXrQJ.jpg)
My new shoes!
(https://i.imgur.com/MWsI8cb.jpg)
« on: June 02, 2022, 04:16:31 pm »
Thirty-eight years ago today, Susan and I were first married. We've had a great life together. It certainly hasn't followed any plans. We've had good times and bad. There were many times I wasn't sure if our marriage would survive. Both of us have changed through the years, especially me, but we still love each other. It's not the same love as we felt all those years ago, now it seems deeper and more meaningful. Although it is still a day for us to remember, we no longer celebrate this day as our anniversary. It has been replaced by June 5th, 2021, the day we married as Susan and Jessica.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 05, 2022, 06:11:33 am »
One year ago, Susan and I married each other for the second time. The last five years were quite stressful, and there were many days I wasn't sure if our marriage would survive. Somehow we managed to stay together, and both of us learned how powerful love can be.
To celebrate our 37 + 1 anniversary, Susan and I plan to visit Garvan Gardens in Hot Springs, AR, then visit a local restaurant for lunch. We need to limit today's celebrations a bit, tomorrow morning I leave on a business trip to Cleveland, OH, and I need to finish packing.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/ygB4iTV.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/UxWrpLz.jpg)
« on: June 12, 2022, 12:10:44 pm »
My trip to Cleveland went well, although it was a bit cooler than expected and rained nearly every day. My first day on the road I drove through heavy rain for the first hour or so, and I had to deal with several other heavy showers during my drive. I spent the first night just north of Cincinnati, OH. I made it to our office in Cleveland around 11:00am on Tuesday.
It's odd being in a building designed for thousands of people when so few people are there. For some reason I was expecting more people to be in the office, but only one of the local team members was there. Pete joined the team around the same time I did over 16 years ago. He has been an amazing friend, and I think he is one of only two male co-workers who isn't self-conscious about hugging me. Pete and I had a late lunch at Panera as we caught up on each other's lives.
Wednesday was uneventful, just full of meetings. On Thursday a few more of my team showed up in the office, and everyone attended the outing in our local park. One of the people I had never met in person commented that I was much prettier in person! We had some good food (baked chicken and steamed clams), great conversation, and a cornhole tournament. After the event I visited a shoe store a new friend told me about. 'Mar-Lou' carries women's shoes up to a size 15! I tried on over a dozen shoes, but I only bought two pairs of sandals.
Our campus was nearly empty on Friday, so I decided to leave a little early to beat the traffic in Cleveland, Columbus, and Cincinnati. I spent the night in La Grange, KY. While in town I visited a local Walmart to check out their garden center. I found some beautiful daylilies and bought a few for our garden. Unfortunately while loading them into my car, I lost a silver ring, and I didn't notice it until I checked into my hotel. I bought the ring during my last trip to Scottsdale, and it does hold a special meaning to me. After searching my purse and car, I decided to head back to Walmart. After searching the parking lot for a few minutes, I found it! I was amazed that no one had picked it up, or than it hadn't been run over by another car.
I had several delays on the way home Saturday. First was a nearly one-hour construction delay at 6:30am just south of Louisville, KY. The next delay was just west of West Memphis, AR, due to a multi-car accident on I-40. Although my trip home took nearly two hours longer than expected, it was reasonably smooth. I did manage to satisfy my inner 'nerd' by breaking a personal record on the drive home -- 602 miles on a single tank of gas! It's a Honda Accord with a V6 engine -- and it's not a hybrid. After unloading the car, I went grocery shopping, made dinner, washed the car, and mowed the front yard.
I guess my life is pretty much back to normal now. I went a whole week with old and new friends, and not once did the subject of my transition come up.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/DJNfiuL.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/Sj8I9fQ.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/vG8vrUW.jpg)
« on: July 07, 2022, 04:06:08 pm »
Over the last few years I have had increasing issues with my throat and voice. A few months ago it was so bad that it felt like someone had their hands around my throat choking me, so I made an appointment with an otolaryngologist. I was given a prescription to treat acid reflux. It helped, but my voice was still not what it should be.
Today I had a follow-up appointment, which included the use of a strobe. Having a camera snaked through my nose into my throat was not as bad as it sounds. The worst part was having a numbing spray blasted up my nostrils several times. The doctor took video of my vocal chords as I made different sounds, and it was interesting to watch the playback as she described what was going on.
The verdict? My vocal cords and all of the other structures in my throat are fine. The issues I'm having may be due to the stress I have been using to tighten my vocal cords and speak in a higher pitch. A y-shaped structure above my vocal cords is now stretched out from where it should be. They are confident that voice therapy can resolve the issue while allowing me to retain my current voice. My doctor will try to get me scheduled with a specialist at UAMS (University of Arkansas Medical School), who is considered to be one of the best in the nation. Hopefully I will be able to see them in August or September.
We visited my dad a few weeks ago, and plan to visit again this weekend. Last time down he mentioned a flat tire on his car. I jacked the car up and removed the tire, then looked for damage. The culprit was easy to see, a large screw dead center in the tread. Normally that could be repaired, but apparently my dad ignored the 'low pressure' warning and drove on the flat for a long time -- the sidewall had split open across most of the tire. No one had the tire in stock, but we got it ordered and I took the rim into town so they could mount the tire for my dad as soon as it arrived.
Two weekends ago I peeled up some sod near the back of our house and put in another flower bed -- more daylilies, some lantana, and a hydrangea. Last weekend I straightened up our garage and got rid of a few more boxes left over from our move last year. I also washed, waxed and thoroughly cleaned the interior of both our cars.
Life goes on...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 25, 2022, 01:27:53 pm »
I don't post very often because I really don't have much going on, but I do want people to know that life can return to normal after transition. I will always respond to personal messages if someone has any questions or comments they would prefer to keep off the forums.
My trip to Colorado Springs went well. I left late Thursday morning and spent the night in Amarillo, TX. Friday morning, I saw a really nice sunrise near Channing, TX. I got into Colorado Springs early enough for lunch and a little shopping before meeting Kris for some electrolysis. I had not been able to have electrolysis in eight weeks, so Kris had a lot of work to do. After what wound up being a 5hr session, I checked into my hotel then visited Old Chicago for an 'individual' pizza -- it was much more food than I expected!
Kris and I were able to start around 9:30am Saturday. Although it took another 5hr session, she cleared every area we usually work on, including ankles and hands. We had a late lunch at a nearby Mexican restaurant, then I hit the road for Clayton, NM. The next morning, I was in Channing, TX once again for another nice sunrise (I was in the exact same spot for both sunrises). I also saw some local wildlife, something I had not seen in the wild for a long time -- a horned lizard! After taking a few photos, I resumed my drive home. I got home around 5:00pm, unloaded the car, and even fixed dinner.
Sunday night I confirmed success in a long-running fight with EquiFax. Susan and I have decided to trade in one of our vehicles, which will require a new loan. The last time I tried to get a loan, EquiFax had flagged my credit due to my name change and we had a real struggle. This time my application sailed through without issue, and I was approved for a new loan within a few minutes. If all goes well, we'll be getting our new car tomorrow. Yea!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/TpgRBAN.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/Y1iHDhP.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/2CgpsjL.jpg)
« on: July 28, 2022, 12:50:02 pm »
My birthday went well, but I stayed busy all day. Maybe one day I can retire, but for now I do have a great day job with an awesome employer!
After work, Susan and I dressed up a little and visited our local Toyota dealer. We traded in our small SUV for similar a plug-in hybrid SUV from Toyota. I got on a wait list for the car in March, and the timing just happened to work out perfectly for my birthday. The dealer was really nice and friendly. We got a good trade-in offer on our old car without haggling, and they didn't try to hard-sell us on any warranties, maintenance plans or SiriusXM. They didn't even add a dealer mark-up to the price. Including the test drive, paperwork, and final prep, about 2.5 hours after arrival we were headed towards dinner in our new car.
We decided to eat at Longhorn Steakhouse. Susan ordered pork chops, and I ordered salmon. Yes, we were at a steak place and neither of us ordered steak. Dinner went well, and we had a nice conversation with our young server. At one point she asked if we were sisters. I told her 'no, Susan is my wife.' The server got a big smile and said that we were 'blessed' to be together. She asked how long we had been married, and I told her '38 years'. She thought that was great, mentioning many marriages don't last 8 years, let alone 38!
By the time we got home it was a bit too late for cake. Hopefully we can have some tonight. I'm a firm believer that your birthday lasts until the cake is gone, so I don't mind waiting a day or two.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/hKCTawx.jpg)
« on: July 31, 2022, 04:32:05 pm »
I've been doing some mild customization on our new car over the last few days:
1 - Replaced all six speakers. The factory speakers were terrible.
2 - Installed front and rear dash cams.
3 - Replaced the factory 'meep meep' horns with some louder ones.
4 - Installed aluminum mesh screens to protect radiator and A/C condenser.
5 - Removed dealer decal.
Before transitioning, just about any one of these could have resulted in hand injuries, foul language, or have been a source of enough frustration for me to blow a gasket. This time? Not only were there no injuries, there was also no foul language or frustration.
Even though it's been over four years since transition, I still occasionally wonder if I made the right decision. All I have to do it think about all those things which used to frustrate me and cause my anger and rage to burst forth, and I know I chose wisely. My life will never be perfect, but it's certainly better than it used to be.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 11, 2022, 07:31:02 am »
I had been putting it off for too long, so last week I finally visited a local dentist for a cleaning. I arrived early to fill out all the paperwork. One question asked if I ever had any major surgery and to provide details. I answered 'Yes, cosmetic'. I wonder if that will lead to more questions later?
The dental hygienist took a panoramic x-ray followed by several bite-wing x-rays, then got to work on my cleaning. Although it had been nearly a year since my last cleaning, she said it wasn't too bad. The dentist came in later to review my x-rays and said everything looked good. The appointment went well, there were no comments about my lip implants or jaw surgery, and no probing questions.
Yesterday I spoke to the speech therapist who works with my ENT. I mentioned that I had stopped taking the omeprazole (as suggested), but after 3 - 4 weeks the choking symptoms returned. The symptoms improved within 24hrs of restarting the medication. My ENT now plans to set up an appointment to take x-rays while I drink barium (I'll ask for chocolate barium) in an attempt to see what's going on. Hopefully we'll get this figured out soon.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 22, 2022, 03:11:56 pm »
Yesterday I returned from another trip to Colorado Springs. I was able to see my hair stylist this time. My hair is really soft and smooth now, but all it takes is a few washings for it to revert to a more feral state. I also had 9hrs of electrolysis with Kris. I really only have one problem area, which is under my chin. She treated those hairs two or three times. I'm hopeful those hairs will eventually get the message that they are no longer wanted, but they seem to be quite stubborn.
Today I had an esophagogram at a local hospital affiliated with a religious denomination. It went well. The worst part was fasting, but the unflavored barium will definitely never be on my favorites list. When I stepped into the exam room the technician asked if I was wearing an underwire bra or if my bra had metal hooks, I told him that I wasn't wearing one today. I was expecting to at least partially disrobe, but instead he just asked me to wear a gown over my clothes to keep them barium-free. I was a little upset, the technician was cute and I was hoping to flash him.
I was asked to stand in front of a flat panel about 8ft tall and 2.5ft wide. They lined up the machine, then gave me some 'fizzy crystals' and a small glass of water. The crystals had a bitter citrus flavor and quickly generated quite a bit of gas in my stomach. Next was a rather thick liquid containing barium. I took a few swallows, then the technician took several images as the liquid made its way down to my stomach. After a minute or two they made sure I was leaning back on the panel, then they rotated the entire apparatus until I was lying down. Next, I drank a thinner barium solution and more images were taken. I was soon rotated back to a standing position and was asked to swallow a barium tablet for another set of images. The entire session only took about 15 minutes. Two hours later and I'm still burping. Unless I didn't translate the results correctly, everything appears to be normal. I'll take that as good news, it just means that we need to look somewhere else for an answer.
Tomorrow I have an eye exam. One of my eyes hasn't been focusing well since I accidentally sat on my glasses a few months ago. I had my glasses adjusted after that incident, but for some reason the prescription in my left eye seems to be way off now.
Every once in a while, I suddenly get extremely happy with myself, like a sudden burst of confidence. Usually music is involved. I guess it's just a momentary realization that my 'impossible dream' really has come true. Despite all of the issues I've had to deal with, I know transitioning was the right decision for me.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Had to stop for this photo as I passed through Trinidad, CO, Saturday evening...
(https://i.imgur.com/tlKf1KA.jpg)
« on: August 23, 2022, 06:41:55 pm »
One of the most vivid rainbows I ever saw was about 15 years ago as we were passing through Trinidad. I should have stopped to take a photo then, but at the time I was a different person and I just wanted to get home. My memory of that rainbow has stayed with me. When I saw this awesome rainbow on my last trip through Trinidad, stopping was an easy decision. Sometimes we focus too much on our destination and forget to enjoy the journey. There are many things in life which will only happen once, so take the time to enjoy them.
My optometrist appointment went well. The assistant who performed the initial testing was really nice, with lots of 'Miss Jessica', 'yes ma'am', and 'sweetie' in the conversation. I was a bit uncomfortable telling her about ALL of the surgeries I've had, but her sweet southern demeanor didn't change at all.
The optometrist performed a standard eye exam. My right eye was good, but we never could find a lens setting which improved the vision in my left eye, apparently due to a rather fast-growing cataract. I am now waiting on an appointment for an ophthalmologist, and probably sometime in October I'll be having cataract surgery. I'm looking forward to seeing clearly again!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 25, 2022, 04:07:44 pm »
Last week I sent a note to the person in charge of the voice therapy program I was interested in, which is part of the graduate program at the University of Arkansas Medical School. Yesterday I received a response, and they asked if I would be able to attend all 10 of the sessions. The sessions are weekly, 2 hours long, and are scheduled in the evenings. Since it doesn't conflict with my work schedule, or my occasional trips to Colorado Springs, I told them that I would be able to participate. I was a bit surprised by the brief response:
'Wonderful!! Thank you!!'
The program description:
The TLC- Gender Affirming Communication Group: The TLC group is for transgender and nonbinary (TGNB) people who want to seek help in modifying their voice and communication to better express their true gender. Clients will often have goals to raise or lower the pitch of their voice, change how they use pitch and loudness to communicate (intonation), change the resonance of their voice, and change their nonverbal communication (body language). Additionally, the clients are taught how to take care of their voice and use it safely. Each client is paired with a graduate student clinician, who will perform an initial voice assessment and then work with the client in setting their communication goals. The sessions are supervised by a certified Speech-Language Pathologist and a mentor from the trans community. The mentors are also a resource for clients to discuss issues related to being TGNB.
The sessions start in three weeks, with the first one being a 'meet and greet'. I am a bit apprehensive, but everyone there will most likely be people who want to be there. The response I received was also a positive sign. I'm hopeful they will be able to help.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 29, 2022, 07:13:23 pm »
Before choosing where to move I researched areas of the state which may be more accepting, and areas where I could find appropriate medical care. The top two areas were NW AR (Fayetteville) and Central AR (Little Rock). NW AR is a good 5hr drive from my dad, while Little Rock is only about 3hrs. I also saw some good articles about UAMS and programs related to transgender care, and that tipped the balance.
Susan and I visited my dad over the weekend to celebrate his 91st birthday! We drove my dad to a local restaurant, where we met my brother and his wife. We had a great lunch, and my dad ordered his favorite -- coconut shrimp. Once we got back to his place he mentioned wanting some new music, specifically Merle Travis. I ordered digital copies online, then added the music to the flash drives he uses in his cars and at home. Susan and I then went back into town to do a little shopping. We picked up some hot sandwiches and took them back to my dad's house for dinner.
Dad's an early riser. By the time Susan and I were up Sunday morning, breakfast from McDonald's was waiting for us. After breakfast we went to the cemetery where my mom and brother rest, and my dad put some fresh flowers on their grave markers. After returning home we talked for several hours, then dad opened his gifts. After lunch Susan and I headed home. There are a few home repairs my dad needs some help with. Next time we visit I'll take a few tools so I can help him out.
My dad and I do have a good relationship, it's almost as though nothing has changed except my name. When I came out to my parents about five years ago, I was certain my dad would never want to see me again. Sometimes it's nice to be wrong.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 08, 2022, 06:36:45 am »
I spent the weekend putting in a new flowerbed across the back of our house. I peeled up about 100sq feet of sod, added an underground downspout and emitter, and moved a sprinkler head. Anything related to digging can be tricky here because there is a lot of shale just a few inches below the surface. Despite living in Arkansas, the residential use of explosives is frowned upon, so landscaping usually requires a pickaxe in addition to a shovel. For now, the new flower bed just has two lantana bushes, but we plan to add some daylilies, iris, and maybe a trellis or two with some four o'clocks.
My local electrologist recently began taking appointments again. He had a family emergency several months ago and had stopped seeing clients. I saw him yesterday, and we caught up on each other's lives during the one-hour session. There were only a few dark hairs under my chin, but he found enough other hairs to stay busy for the entire session.
Next week I'll attend my first voice therapy session at UAMS, which will just be a 'meet and greet'.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 09, 2022, 07:29:22 pm »
I finally did it. Today I got rid of my (bowling) balls. Although both of them were roughly the same size and color, one was a bit heavier than the other. I had them for decades, and I moved them across the country many times. Susan initially questioned my desire to get rid of them, but I had not used them for many years. They were engraved with my old name and were an unwanted reminder of my past. They had to go. Our local Goodwill accepted them, along with some clothes, toys, and electronics. Of course, I had to take one last photo of them...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
P.S. - Yes, I'm in an odd mood tonight.
Brunswick Pearls
(https://i.imgur.com/r0B5DwC.jpg)
« on: September 17, 2022, 07:05:44 am »
One of the most painful parts of transitioning is the loss of friends and relatives. It's difficult to know who will stay and who will go, and it rarely works out exactly the way we expect. If you want to know who your friends are, transitioning is a pretty good test.
I lost contact with most of my cousins nearly 40 years ago. Earlier this week I received a 'friend' request from a cousin I had not seen since 1984. She had found my mom's obituary and noticed that instead of the three sons she knew, it listed two sons and a daughter. She found me on a social media site. We talked for nearly an hour, and not once was my deadname mentioned. She mentioned that she knew it was me as soon as she saw my photo -- she recognized the twinkle in my eyes. She doesn't live that far away, and her in-laws are actually quite close. Hopefully we will be able to meet in person the next time they visit.
Speaking of visitors... We put hummingbird feeders in our front and back yards, which have proved to be quite popular. Although hummingbirds can be territorial, we've seen as many as five sitting on a single feeder. For some reason they like coming into our garage while I'm in there, but they seem to get confused by the windows. A few days ago, one hummingbird was so tired from trying to get out of our garage that it landed on my hand. I slowly walked it out into the open air, then it quickly flew away.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/US6ObOZ.jpg)
« on: September 19, 2022, 01:06:21 pm »
Quote from: TXSara on September 18, 2022, 05:52:09 pm
QuoteAs time goes on, I'm finding this to be very true. You definitely find out who your real friends are. I'm starting to run into more disappointments after a pretty long run of optimism. I guess it all evens out.
That is fantastic, Jessica! I'm really glad to hear about this! I'm sure it made your week!
~Sara
Sara, I have more friends now than I had before, so it worked out for the best.
My first voice therapy meeting went well. I met the person who directs the program, along with all of the student clinicians who will be guiding our lessons. My clinician, I'll call her 'M', had never knowingly met a transgender woman before. She seems really nice, and I expect both of us will learn a few things over the next few months.
I had my ophthalmologist appointment earlier today. Both of my eyes have cataracts, with the left eye currently being far worse. I will be having cataract surgery in early November, starting with my left eye. Once that heals, they will do the other. Hopefully once I've recovered I'll only need glasses for reading.
My dad called last night, apparently he had a TIA (transient ischemic attack). Although he's had them before, this one was worse than the others. He wasn't feeling any better this morning, so I contacted my sister-in-law (she lives close to my dad). The doctors are checking him out now. My dad is usually quite stubborn about getting medical care, but he was very willing today.
As if I didn't have enough going on, somehow I hurt my back yesterday morning. Standing is OK, walking can be uncomfortable, but sitting down requires planning. Leaning forward, bending down, or twisting to my right are currently off limits. It's slowly getting better, but it may take several days before I'm back to normal.
This morning my company sent out a note promoting our National Coming Out Day event on 11 Oct. The note has a link to a promotional video, which includes parts of my NCOD presentation back in 2018. That was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 23, 2022, 03:51:02 pm »
I was in Home Depot earlier today. A man I had never met walked over and said:
'I hope I'm not bothering you, but I wanted to tell you that you're beautiful.'
I thanked him, and a few minutes after he left I nearly started to cry. It's been nearly five years since I became 'Jessica', and I still can't believe how far I have come in such a short time. Five years sounds like a very long time, but looking back it seems like yesterday, or a lifetime.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 06, 2022, 07:03:34 pm »
My weekend trip to Colorado Springs went well. The weather was nice and there were minimal road delays. I arrived in town Friday afternoon and spent three hours with my electrologist. After our session, I checked into my hotel before meeting some friends for supper at Old Chicago -- I had a craving for pizza! I got back to the hotel around 9:30pm, took a shower, then went to bed.
On Saturday I had a little time to kill before my next electrolysis session, so I visited the local Ross and found a top and a nice skirt. Once I got the call from Kris, I headed over to her office. After a few hours we took a break to meet our friend Brenda at the Garden of the Gods Market for lunch. I had a salmon sandwich and some awesome french fries! Once we got back to her office, Kris worked on my arms and hands. We are definitely making progress. Counting Friday afternoon, it only took seven hours to treat all of the areas she normally works on -- which is basically every place except my palms and the soles of my feet! I have very few dark hairs remaining, and the vast majority of what Kris treats would be considered long peach fuzz.
The voice therapy sessions are going well, just a bit slowly. Like everything else, I know it takes time and patience. So far, we have been working on warm-up exercises and doing a few frequency checks to see where I'm at -- about 180hz.
I do have some troubling news though. A few weeks ago my dad had a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack), which he seemed to recover from quickly. Unfortunately, he had another one Wednesday evening which affected his speech. Luckily a neighbor convinced him to go to the hospital. They performed an MRI today, but we haven't heard the results yet. He seems to be doing well, and his speech is almost back to normal. We plan to visit this weekend.
Today I was asked to talk at our company's National Coming Out Day event on 11 Oct. That day will mark five years since I came out to my manager -- it seems like a lifetime ago. I'm not one of the primary speakers this year, more of a warm-up act for the folks at our Colorado site. I don't mind helping out whenever I can.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 10, 2022, 10:07:30 am »
There are many beautiful areas around Colorado Springs, unfortunately my visits are usually too brief to enjoy them. I plan to extend my visits a little next year so I will have more time to relax.
Susan and I visited my dad over the weekend. He had a health scare earlier in the week, but he seems to have recovered quickly. We arrived in time to take my dad out to lunch, along with my brother and his wife. When we got back to my dad's house, I replaced a rain gutter which had been damaged several months ago. Once that job was done, Susan and I went into town for a little shopping. On the way back, we picked up supper from McAlister's Deli.
Sunday morning we added a small solar panel to help recharge a solar floodlight. The floodlight was on a light pole along my dad's driveway, but it was being shaded by some tall trees. I thought adding another small solar panel would provide enough extra power to keep it sufficiently charged. Next, we took my dad out to visit the cemetery, where my mom and a brother rest. After lunch at my dad's house, Susan and I headed home.
My dad has always been frugal, sometimes a bit too frugal. We noticed the toilet paper at his house seems a bit rough. We think he may get it at a local hardware store, the label says it's '200 grit'.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
P.S. - I forgot to mention something else... While we were sitting around the table talking, my dad said he noticed that I now had much more patience while working on projects. The constant anger I used to have caused me to get frustrated quite easily. Now that my anger is gone, my patience has grown significantly. The fact that he noticed says a lot.
« on: October 11, 2022, 05:38:57 pm »
I participated in a small part of our company's National Coming Out Day event today. The Colorado arm of our LGBT+ ERG (employee resource group) asked me to talk about what it felt like when I came out. It wasn't a coincidence that I chose this day five years ago to come out to my manager. I even posted about it here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,229369.msg2036456.html#msg2036456
I used parts of that post for today's event. I thought I would only have a few minutes. There were over 80 people in the Colorado meeting, but only one other person wanted to share their experience. As a result, I probably talked for 15 minutes or so before we joined the corporate NCOD event. Several people admitted that my story brought them to tears. Even though it happened so long ago, it made me a little emotional as well.
Since I was going to have my camera on during the meeting, I decided to dress up a bit and wear a little makeup. I then decided I may as well take a few new photos too. When I wear things like this and look in the mirror, I still can't believe that's me. I can safely say that as a teen, never in a million years did I think I would eventually look like this...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/FCotKuh.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/rVv6Z9Q.jpg)
Thank you for helping to revive Susan's Place. How marvelous that you could restore your posts here! Your story and the way that you tell it has been inspiring my sweetheart and me.
It's great to see you again, Moonflower!!!
Susan's Place saved my life, and probably a few others. This place is definitely worth saving, and I want to do whatever I can to help it succeed.
Luckily, I occasionally made backups of my posts using 'cut and paste'. It was tedious, but it was time well-spent. I feel a bit self-conscious reposting everything, but this place is built on posts from members. We all have slightly different views and reactions, and none of our journeys are exactly alike.
Thanks for letting me know that my story has helped you and your sweetheart. As long as I know my story is helping at least one person, then it's worth giving others a peek inside my life.
Love always -- Jess
« on: October 15, 2022, 05:43:23 pm »
Susan and I visited Garvan Woodland Gardens this morning. The weather was nearly perfect! There weren't many plants in bloom, but it's still a beautiful area to walk through and just relax. The last photo is one of my favorites - a small pine tree growing on a rock. For me, it signifies strength and resilience. Despite the environment, it took root and is doing its best to survive despite the odds. It reminds me of a very special group of people...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/nWku2U4.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/Xf5DHr2.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/DM4iz8h.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/Nse4pWh.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/k422Liy.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/2SMGP36.jpg)
« on: October 20, 2022, 06:51:18 pm »
Susan and I got our flu vaccinations last Friday. Tuesday I visited my local electrologist for a 1hr session, he covered all of the areas which could be seen in public -- face, neck, arms, and upper chest. My next visit to Colorado won't be until 18 Nov (if weather cooperates), so I'll be making another visit to him in about two weeks. I also had another voice therapy session, and I think I'm starting to make a little progress.
This afternoon we got our second COVID-19 booster. We plan to visit my dad again this weekend, so we hope any side-effects will pass quickly. After getting the booster we went to a local grocery store to pick up a few things. Along the way I told Susan that I wasn't sure why, but for the last few days I occasionally had the uncomfortable sensation of someone squeezing my right testicle, which I left in Scottsdale nearly four years ago. Instead of sympathy, Susan burst out laughing and said 'it serves you right!' I guess she misses that more than I thought. She apologized later, even though she was still smiling about it.
I'm not upset with her, but I'm just not sure she understands the depth of the pain I felt for decades. It's difficult for anyone cisgender to understand the shame of hiding, the fear of being discovered, and the crushing pain of keeping your soul locked away in darkness for decades with no hope of escape. Once that crack appeared and my soul was touched by the light, by the possibility of finally being free, there was no price I would not have paid for her freedom. I know it was a loss for Susan, but there are viable substitutes. I was prepared to lose everyone and everything for the simple freedom of being myself, and for that there is no substitute.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 25, 2022, 07:28:58 pm »
It has been quite a while since I had a bad day, but last Friday became a dumpster fire. It didn't start off too badly, but for some reason later that evening I began to concentrate on negatives, and suddenly my world seemed to fall apart. I didn't want to vent in public, so I posted this in a forum only accessible to site staff:
I've not been 100% today, or for the last few days. I could blame the COVID-19 booster for today... I just have a lot of things on my mind right now. To be honest, I feel broken and lost, sometimes on the verge of tears. All the hate in the world which seems targeted at us. I'm still paying off a loan from my last surgery. Retirement seems to be getting further out of reach. A co-worker on my team got promoted, he deserves it, he earned it, but I feel like I'm being left behind. I'm having trouble with the right branch of my sciatic nerve. I've had a low-grade headache for several days, maybe it's eye strain due to cataracts. Cataract surgery in two weeks. And yes, there's more... yet I still feel as though I must smile and hide my pain. Seems like I've been doing that all of my life. Is there anything that doesn't hurt? The pinky on my left hand seems to be fine. I know things will get better, I'm just worn out.
As many of you have noticed, we have an incredibly supportive staff here at Susan's Place. I received a lot of encouragement from other staff members, which made me feel better. I expect our trip to visit relatives over the weekend also helped. I'm almost back to 'normal', with only a few minor aches and pains. Some worries I just have to ignore.
No matter how strong or courageous others think we are, we are still human. None of us are impervious to the slings and arrows life can throw at us, and all of us occasionally need support from others who understand the incredible journey known as 'transition'. That's why Susan's Place exists, and that's why I'm still here.
I wish that more people could see us for who we are -- a normal consequence of the infinite biological possibilities of life. No two people are exactly alike, even identical twins have slight differences. Like ice cream there are more than two flavors, and you can't always determine the flavor simply by looking at it. Life would be boring if the only choices were chocolate and vanilla, but even then some people would prefer a chocolate-vanilla swirl... with sprinkles.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 30, 2022, 10:47:21 am »
(I originally posted this is someone else's blog, but because of the 'blip' it's not there...)
I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'dance like no one's watching'. This applies to much more than dancing. Perhaps the key to happiness is more like 'live like no one's watching.' All our lives we've been concerned about or scolded with 'what will the neighbor's think?' I know how difficult it can be to ignore how other people sometimes look at us, but in reality that is their problem. Don't let 'them' bother you, they're probably just jealous that you're having so much fun and living your life in a way that brings you joy.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 31, 2022, 05:24:47 pm »
Susan and I voted on Friday. I was somewhat surprised at how busy the polling station was. I just wish we had a few more options in this area. I don't want to get too political, but I can't vote for a person or group who is trying to restrict the rights of those who simply want to be themselves. You can't legislate LGBTQIA+ people out of existence.
I got a letter from the IRS on Saturday. They said I paid too much and they're sending me a refund. Several months ago a different IRS letter said I didn't pay enough, so I sent them what they requested. The refund is about half of what the 'extra' payment was, but getting a little back was a nice surprise.
Our long-time canine companion Prince (a whippet) may not be with us much longer. We lost his brother about two years ago, and now Prince has suddenly stopped eating and drinking. He has a heart murmur which has steadily been getting worse, and some abscessed teeth which the vet won't remove because Prince most likely would not survive the anesthesia. We bought some soft foods for him Saturday, but the outlook isn't good. We have an appointment at the local animal clinic Tuesday morning. We're hopeful the vet can help, but we're preparing ourselves for bad news. He has been a part of our family for over 14 years, and our home will feel empty without him.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Our companion -- Prince
(https://i.imgur.com/C5EAL50.jpg)
« on: November 01, 2022, 05:42:16 pm »
Before going to the vet, we put Prince in a wagon and took him on a 'walk' around the neighborhood. On several occasions he wanted to get out and walk on his own, so we just went slow. He did eat some apple slices this morning, but not much else. After running some blood tests, the vet said he is in the early stages of kidney failure. They are giving him some fluids now, and he will be there for a day or two. The vet told us that with the proper care and diet, Prince could be with us for a few more weeks or even months. Other than his kidneys, he is in good health. We said as long as he seems to be happy and not in pain, we will do whatever it takes. I know we are just delaying the inevitable, but we are grateful for the extra time we may have with Prince and will try to make him as happy as possible. Some old friends are planning to visit Friday, and we know he will be happy to see them!
I had another electrolysis appointment this afternoon. I really do have some stubborn hairs, even after nearly six years of treatment there are still a few who refuse to understand they are no longer desired.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 03, 2022, 10:10:35 am »
I had my first round of cataract surgery today. My left eye was far worse than my right, so that's the first one to be corrected. I couldn't eat or drink anything after midnight, and I was asked to wear a front opening top so they could attach the monitors easily. Initially I was concerned they may not be able to do the surgery today. Overnight a blood vessel in my left eye burst and it looked awful. Apparently, this is somewhat common, and it didn't delay the surgery.
We arrived around 8:40am for my scheduled 9:00am surgery. Right at 9:00am, they called me back into the prep room. They weighed me, then had me sit on a gurney while they tucked my hair into a net. Once I laid down, they took my blood pressure, put in some eye drops, then inserted an IV into the back of my hand. After I verified what they were going to be doing that morning, the anesthesiologist started giving me something awesome and I drifted off to sleep.
I vaguely remember seeing waves of muted colors and hearing muffled voices, but after what only seemed to be a minute or two, I slowly began to awaken -- they were done. By 9:30am I was being helped out to the car for the ride home.
I have an eye shield for now, which prevents my glasses from fitting properly. Typing this is a real chore! I feel a very slight itching sensation in my left eye, but there is no eye pain or discomfort. The only pain so far was the IV insertion. I have a follow-up tomorrow morning at 7:45am, and they will be removing the eye shield.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 05, 2022, 10:43:11 am »
My follow-up appointment went well. Within a few minutes of removing the eye shield they checked my vision and it was already 20/25 in my left eye. Everything seems much brighter as well, in photography terms I would guess my left eye is about a half-stop brighter than my right eye (which also has a cataract). I have some eyedrops and ointment I need to use on a regular basis for a while, and I need to wear the eye shield at night for a week. I have another appointment next Friday, when we will schedule the surgery for my right eye.
My eyes are fighting each other for now. One says 'wow, I can see so clearly', while the other says 'where are my glasses?' My left eye has great vision starting about 30 inches away, while my right eye (without correction) is only in focus at around 10 inches. I have some contact lenses I will start using in my right eye for now, and some off-the-shelf reading glasses should help.
We had some friends spend the night on Friday. They lived near us in Colorado, but they moved to Michigan a few years ago. They are taking a trip to Arizona and were able to stop by for a visit. They used to take care of Prince when Susan and I took long trips, and I would mow their lawn while they were away. It's always great to have friends drop by.
Prince is doing much better after his vet visit last Monday, and he was really happy to see our visitors. As soon as they sat on the couch, Prince was snuggling up to them! He is eating well and seems to have much more energy, so we are hopeful he will be with us for a long time.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 09, 2022, 01:17:56 pm »
I am still getting used to the changes in my eyesight. My vision was so unbalanced that I decided to use a contact lens in my right eye, and it's working out well. I need reading glasses for anything closer than about two feet, but beyond that my vision is awesome! My follow-up exam is on Friday, then we will schedule the surgery for my right eye.
I only have two more voice therapy sessions scheduled. I enjoy going to them, getting to interact with the students and meeting other unicorns is awesome -- working from home can be lonely. The voice therapy sessions appear to be working. According to the 'Voice Pitch Analyzer' app:
Min Avg Max Avg Average
6 Jan 2022 165Hz 214Hz 189Hz
9 Nov 2022 168Hz 242Hz 204Hz
Our canine companion is continuing to improve. He has regained his appetite and is more active now. His new diet requires a prescription dog food. I ordered some 'beef and vegetable stew' and some 'chicken and vegetable stew', which should arrive tomorrow.
I decided to run a few errands yesterday. While driving through our neighborhood I was thinking about how a few shots of hairspray can quickly tame my hair, then a smile slowly spread across my lips, followed by a sense of joy, and suddenly I burst out in laughter. It was a long, difficult, painful and expensive journey, but finding joy in just being yourself is priceless.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 11, 2022, 06:05:27 pm »
Prince's new food arrived today. He seems to really like the chicken stew. We'll probably just alternate between beef and chicken so he doesn't get bored with the same food every day. The food is over $4 a can, but after living with us for over 14 years he's earned it. Despite the new food, Prince is upset with us. He loves cheese and we've had to cut way back on that.
My visit with the ophthalmologist went well. We scheduled surgery for my right eye, but the earliest available date is in mid-January! I asked to be added to their cancelation list in case an earlier date becomes available. I still need to use one of the eyedrops for another month, but I'm done with the eye ointment. I don't need to use the eye shield at night either, but I think Susan will miss playing 'pirate' at bedtime.
We're going to visit my dad this weekend, and late next week I'm heading to Colorado Springs for a mammogram and another round of electrolysis with Kris. If everything goes as planned, I'll even be meeting up with @Rayna !
Yes, there are places in Arkansas to get mammograms other than bars. I have not found a new primary care doctor here, so I'm still seeing my original doctor in Denver.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 15, 2022, 06:21:02 pm »
Our visit with my dad went well. He seems to have fully recovered from the TIA and we didn't notice anything 'off' during our visit. We had our standard lunch from McAlister's Deli, and dinner was from a fast-food place -- it was my dad's request. While there I noticed a clock propped up against a couch. My dad said it was my mom's favorite clock, but it had quit working. I took it home so I could replace the clock module.
Wearing one contact lens is a pain in the... eye. I'm not used to wearing contacts, and the 'toric' lens seems to float around causing less than optimal vision. Luckily my vision seems to be stable while driving, probably because I don't need to change my focus very often. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an earlier surgery date!
Prince has stopped eating again, the only things he has eaten are a few small pieces of cheese, some carrots, and some apple slices. The new diet appeared to help initially, but now I'm not sure he'll make it to the end of the year, or even the end of the month.
The weather for my Colorado Springs trip is looking reasonable. It will be cold (not
@Northern Star Girl cold) with some snow Friday morning, but nothing significant enough to affect travel. I'm really looking forward to seeing Kris again, and of course having dinner with @Rayna !
I've started looking for a local primary care physician. Our health insurance is through Cigna, and they recently added an 'inclusive care' search filter to help find LGBT+ friendly medical professionals. The extra information is great, but it's sad that we can't count on every medical professional to provide health care to everyone regardless of their status. We're not asking them to approve or condone anything, we're just asking them to fulfill their Hippocratic oath.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 21, 2022, 06:35:04 pm »
My recent trip to Colorado Springs went well, but it was cold! I stopped overnight in Amarillo. When I arrived, the temperature was in the low 50's, but it was really windy. The next morning the temperature was in the 20's, and I started seeing a few flakes of snow before hitting the New Mexico border. The snow was relatively light, but in several places it had started to accumulate on the roads. While going over Raton Pass, I slowed down as much as 20mph below the posted limit to feel safe, and I was still passing a lot of cars.
Kris was able to open up a bit early for me, so I had two hours of electrolysis before heading off to my mammogram. The results were much like my previous checks:
1 - I have breasts.
2 - They are firm yet squishy.
3 - They do not enjoy being squished in a vise.
4 - The results were clear. No abnormalities detected.
When the procedure was finished, I drove to my hotel so I could check in. Since I visit quite often and they had few guests, they gave me a free upgrade to a huge suite. After bringing in my luggage, it was off to visit @Rayna !
Rayna's house has an amazing view! After introducing me to her feline companion and giving me a tour, we sat down for dinner. Rayna had prepared a great meal -- some pasta with marinara sauce and a side of baked potatoes, green beans, carrots and a few other veggies. At 8:00pm we listened to the neighborhood howl, literally. We talked for several hours, and I didn't leave until nearly 11:00pm!
The next morning the temperature was around 4 degrees, but it quickly warmed up to the low 20's. I visited a local Walmart and found something Susan had been looking for -- a white amaryllis! My next stop was a nearby Ross, where I always seem to find some new clothes I like. Kris was ready to start another round of electrolysis at 9:30am. We broke for lunch around 12:30pm to meet up with another friend at the Garden of the Gods Market. After lunch and a few more hours of electrolysis, it was time for me to hit the road home. I spent the night in Clayton, NM. I left early Sunday morning and made it home around 6:30pm.
I do have some sad news to report. Prince was still not eating. We took him to the vet this morning. Most of his life he weighed 26 - 28lbs. When we visited the vet a few weeks ago, Price was down to 18lbs. This morning he only weighed 14lbs. Based on the experience of the veterinarian, it was time to say goodbye. Susan and I helped comfort him as he fell asleep one last time. Prince was part of our family for over 14 years, and we are heartbroken.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/KdF08ee.jpg)
« on: November 26, 2022, 04:38:51 pm »
Susan and I thank all of you for your condolences. I'm trying not to think about Prince right now because the pain is still too fresh. In time the pain will fade, and our memories will just be of the adventures we had and the companionship we shared.
Our Thanksgiving went well. My brother drove up from Louisiana and brought his wife and son along with my dad. Susan did a great job fixing the meal, and we had some enjoyable conversation too. Once our relatives headed home, Susan and I put the house back to normal.
Susan and I did a little shopping today. We picked up a few small 'Black Friday' items at Home Depot, along with a shelf unit to hold my 'car stuff' (waxes, cleaners, buckets) in the garage. We also stopped by a furniture store and ordered a new couch and loveseat, which probably won't arrive until early January. The store was running a 20% off sale, and they gave us free delivery since I'm a veteran. Our old couch and loveseat is oversize and overstuffed, and bigger than we like. A friend gave them to us about 10 years ago. They were well used when we got them, but they were better than what we had.
After we got home, Susan sat on the couch and watched me screw for at least 30 minutes, she even brought me some hot chocolate! Her new plant stand had arrived and I wanted to put it together right away. Once that task was complete, I assembled the new shelf unit in the garage and moved the car stuff onto it. By then it was time for supper -- Thanksgiving leftovers! Thanksgiving, the meal that never ends...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 03, 2022, 05:04:38 pm »
The new shelf unit really helped me get our garage in order. I still have a lot of work to do, but it's coming along nicely. Maybe one day I'll actually be able to find things out there. We have offered our old couches to one of our daughters. She and her boyfriend plan on moving to a larger place in January or February, and they may be able to use it. If they don't want it, then we'll just donate it.
Sara, keeping busy does help. It keeps your mind from wandering into dark places. We do need 'down time' occasionally though, to review where we are, where we want to go, and how we plan to get there. The pain of losing Prince has subsided quite a bit, but I still have to stop myself from saying 'good morning, Prince' every day.
Susan and I ran a few errands today. Our first stop was Petsmart to donate one of Prince's pet beds, a few boxes of pet treats, some of his blankets, and a large bag of puppy food. Petsmart will give the items to a local animal shelter. We plan to give another pet bed and two animal crates to our local veterinarian.
Next we visited a local indoor 'vintage market', which took several hours to explore. Susan picked out a few Christmas decorations, and I found something I had to bring home -- a tall, slim, Jim Beam decanter. A decorated one was the home for the character Barbara Eden played in 'I Dream of Jeanie'. The cashier seemed a bit perplexed when I told her I was paying for both the decanter and the items Susan had picked out. I'm not sure what she was thinking, but I didn't let it bother me. The cashier carefully wrapped the items we bought. She tried removing the stopper from the decanter and I told her to stop... she might let the genie out! The cashier laughed, left the stopper in the decanter, and wrapped it up. Although we visited several other stores, we didn't find anything else notable.
An update on my cataract surgery. The vision in my left eye seems stable now. The most bothersome part is wearing a contact lens in my right eye. After four or five hours it seems to dry out quite a bit and it becomes uncomfortable. I'm hoping there will be a cancellation and I can get my right eye done sooner, but for now it's scheduled for mid-January.
My voice therapy sessions seemed to help, and I have asked to return for the next semester. It will probably be a month or two before I find out if I will be returning. I have a one-hour electrolysis session scheduled for Tuesday. Seeing a local electrologist to keep the visible areas cleared between my Colorado visits works really well. Since Prince is no longer with us, I plan to take Susan on my return trip this time. She has a good friend who lives near our old house, and they talk on the phone every day. Our next Colorado trip is planned for early January, but it really depends on the weather.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 13, 2022, 07:43:12 am »
The two amaryllis I bought for Susan on my last trip to Colorado Springs are doing well. The white one has two large buds which may well open by Christmas, the red one appears to be a late bloomer. Susan started a spider plant for Kris, and we plan to take it to her on our next visit to Colorado.
Last week's visit to my local electrologist went well. After about 10 minutes on my face and neck he asked 'where should I go next?' Most of the session was spent on my arms and hands. Our next session is scheduled for 19 Dec. Hair removal has taken much longer than I expected, but I guess that's normal for wookies. My experience is that laser (not IPL) works great for most body hair, but light-colored and facial hair requires electrolysis -- lots and lots of electrolysis.
Both of our daughters plan to visit for Christmas. This will be our first Christmas together in about five years. I never put any pressure on them, I just make sure they know that they are welcome in our home. They both have their own lives to live, and I'm happy to still be a part of it. It's amazing how different they are, and we are proud of them both. I think our younger daughter has the best sense of humor though. She mentioned there were some black-faced vultures hanging around her apartment building, and referred to them as 'goth chickens'!
My work is still going well, but I'm really having a hard time getting motivated. My employer is awesome, but my heart is telling me it's time to retire. Unfortunately, it will be a few more years before we can do so. I've been doing basically the same job for nearly 40 years, and I've simply grown tired of staring at a computer screen all day long. I guess I can hold out for a few more years.
Susan mailed our Christmas cards a few days ago -- Santa's sleigh being pulled by a unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/GGSuMPK.jpg)
« on: December 14, 2022, 09:25:06 am »
Last April I sent a note to one of the people in charge of medical benefits at work. Our existing coverage included both top and bottom surgery along with breast augmentation, but not much else. I advocated increasing our coverage to include:
- FFS
- Trachea shave
- Electrolysis
- Voice therapy/surgery
Today I attended a benefits session outlining our new LGBT+ benefits. Guess what? Everything I asked for is now at least partially covered in our plan!!! Although it isn't retroactive, it should help cover my ongoing electrolysis and some additional voice therapy. Most importantly, it will be a gigantic help to all of those who are just starting their journeys. I wasn't the only one pushing for these changes, but it's nice to know I may have helped.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 20, 2022, 06:39:15 pm »
I had a 1hr electrolysis session with Bryan yesterday. At one point he mentioned that I was at the 'maintenance' stage, at least for the areas I allow him to work on. I guess that's a good sign, but I sure do seem to need a lot of maintenance!
Our oldest daughter and her husband won't be able to join us for Christmas this year. Her mother-in-law became extremely ill and was put into ICU with a ventilator, so they are visiting her in Florida. I told her that family always comes first, and that she should stay and spend as much time as possible. We will simply visit another time. Our youngest daughter still plans to visit, she should arrive Friday afternoon. It's always nice to visit with family over the holidays.
I had a nice phone conversation with a few Susan's Place alumni this afternoon, SassyCassie and Steph2.0. They are both in good health and are doing well. Out of respect for their privacy, that's all the information I will provide. There are a few other alumni I occasionally hear from, Kendra, Michelle_P, Laurie, Tia, and Debi, they are also all doing well.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 25, 2022, 05:41:06 am »
It's still dark here, the only sounds are from my keyboard and an owl who is serenading me with a series of 'who who'. Susan will be up soon to start preparing our noon meal, and our daughter Kimberly will be helping us celebrate the season.
From our house to yours -- Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Festivus, whatever you prefer to celebrate at this time of the year. We hope you are able to spend some time with loved ones, friends new or old, and family -- old and new.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/mX23xvn.jpg)
« on: December 25, 2022, 05:53:23 pm »
We had a great Christmas this year. Kimberly drove up from Austin on Friday. Saturday morning we went to the 'Cotton Shed' vintage market, where Susan found a few decorations for our house. After lunch at McAllister's Deli we headed to a local Outlet Mall. Surprisingly, it wasn't very crowded. We all found a some clothes we liked, and Susan found a baking pan with embossed snowflake patterns.
When we got home, some new nightstands I had ordered a few weeks ago were on our doorstep -- some assembly required. I started putting one together when Kimberly said she really liked assembling furniture (seriously!). I let her finish the one I had started, and she put the second one together as well.
After opening our gifts Christmas morning, we had ham, rice, gravy, carrots, and rolls for lunch. Dessert was homemade bread pudding! After lunch I helped Kimberly with one of her gifts -- installing a front and rear dash cam! The process was fairly easy, the most difficult part was finding a good place for the power tap. After about two hours or so, we were done, and there wasn't a single curse word during the entire process.
Kimberly will be heading home tomorrow (Monday), but she is going to follow us down to my Dad's house for a quick visit. My dad knows Susan and I are coming, but Kimberly will be a surprise! We won't be able to stay long, but we plan to have lunch together and give him a few gifts.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or whatever you celebrate. We hope everyone was able to spend some time with friends or loved ones today.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Kimberly, Jessica, Susan
(https://i.imgur.com/7Om8bYi.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/Pj5UlB5.jpg)
« on: December 28, 2022, 05:28:09 pm »
It seems like I always feel a bit 'off' this time of the year. Christmas and New Year's just aren't the same as they used to be. I expect it's because of the epiphany I had on Dec 28, 2016 at 7:28pm -- the moment I suddenly understood the reason for my lifetime of anger. I think that at some level I knew what it was all along, but reality hit when I accepted that I was transgender. The sense of relief I felt was overwhelming. It's only been six years, but that was a different lifetime. It's been a struggle at times, but all the 'big stuff' is done. My anger at a world which forced me to keep my soul in darkness had been festering for decades, but now I am free. Susan and I still have some challenges to face, but we will face them together.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 28, 2022, 06:24:39 pm »
Ever since I began my transition, I have considered myself to be a unicorn -- something rare and beautiful. I was in an odd mood earlier today, it has been six years since I discovered my truth. When I returned home from running some errands, there was a large envelope waiting for me.
A week or two ago I posted a news story about a little girl who had written a letter to 'LA County' asking if she could keep a unicorn in her yard. A few days later, there was a follow-up story. Upon reading the follow-up, I noticed this:
Encouraging more children's creativity, the department created the Madeline's Magical Unicorn Fund in the 7-year-old's name to support both unicorns and all creatures cared for by the LA County Department of Animal Care and Control. Those who donate $25 or more to the fund will receive a unicorn certificate and personal license tag.
I thought OMG, who wouldn't want an official Unicorn License? I sent a donation, and today I received my Unicorn License! It even came with a heart-shaped metal tag which has my name on one side, and the other states:
Permanent Unicorn License
Los Angeles Co.
Y22-1221-12
Hopefully the license is valid nationwide, I want to make sure my herd is safe.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
P.S. - Yes, the bottle in the background is my 'I Dream Of Jeannie' bottle. Just in case I need a little extra magic...
(https://i.imgur.com/Y7QK3OW.jpg)
« on: January 01, 2023, 05:12:48 pm »
Susan and I celebrated New Year's Eve by taking down all of our Christmas decorations. Of course, we also did a little shopping to buy more decorations for next year. I found a nice bright pink sweater and several pairs of leggings at TJ Maxx, but I won't wait for next Christmas to wear them.
Our neighborhood sounded like a battleground last night. Our local newscasters made sure everyone was aware that 'fireworks and celebratory gunfire' was illegal inside city limits. I'm not sure why I was surprised that 'celebratory gunfire' was somewhat common around here. I did not join in, ammo is too expensive.
This morning I made hotel reservations for a trip to Colorado Springs later this week. The weather is looking good. My last visit with Kris was back on 18 Nov, so it's been 7 weeks since my last 'complete' electrolysis treatment. I will probably wait until mid-March for my next visit. It will be interesting to see how much work I may need. Susan's Colorado friend will be out of town, so I will be making the trip solo.
My dad asked if I had any photos with just him and mom. He was never very interested in having photos taken, so I had to go back a long way, all the way back to Nov 2005. Even that was a group photo, but I was able to heavily crop and edit the photo so it is just the two of them. I can't just take a new photo, my mom passed away nearly three years ago. I hope this serves as a warning to some of you, get photos while you can.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 09, 2023, 10:48:18 am »
My trip to Colorado Springs went well. I left mid-morning on Thursday and spent the night in Amarillo, TX. I woke up around 4:00am on Friday and couldn't get back to sleep, so I headed on up to Colorado Springs. I stopped for a few minutes in New Mexico to watch the moon set behind the Capulin Volcano.
I met with Kris at 12:30pm for some electrolysis. We took a break at 2:00pm, which allowed me to do some shopping and check in at my hotel. The staff at the front desk recognized me, they didn't even ask for ID! After carting my luggage to my room, I headed back to Kris for more electrolysis at 3:30pm. We finished around 6:00pm, mainly because I had dinner plans.
I met @Rayna and another Susan's Place member for dinner at Carrabba's Italian Grill. I'm not sure if the other person wants me to mention their name, so I'll keep it private for now. We had a great meal and some good conversation before leaving around 8:30pm.
Saturday morning I visited the local Walmart to pick up a few things and get gas for my car. I met Kris again at 10:00am, and she was completely done with my treatment by the time we broke for lunch at 12:15pm. We met Rayna and our friend Brenda at the Garden of the Gods Market for lunch. After lunch, Kris, Brenda and I went back to Kris' office to talk for a bit before I hit the road.
Kris said that my treatments have really started to take effect. It only took about 6hrs of electrolysis to clear everything, our previous best was around 7.5 hours. Based on the results, my next trip will be in late March. I'll visit my local electrologist for any face and neck cleanup I may need before then.
I left Colorado Springs around 3:00pm and arrived at my hotel in Clayton, NM around 6:30pm. I was really tired, so I went to bed at 7:30pm. Unfortunately going to bed early usually results in an early wake up. At 5:00am I was on the road home, arriving safely a little before 5:00pm on Sunday. Overall the trip went well, the only bad news is that I seem to have caught a cold. I noticed a scratchy throat Saturday afternoon, and it hasn't gotten any better. I took a COVID-19 test Sunday evening. Based on the results, I'm not pregnant. Hopefully I didn't spread it to any of the friends I met with over the weekend.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Before meeting with Kris, I took a detour to get a few photos of the Garden of the Gods from the Mesa Overlook...
(https://i.imgur.com/LZfgCeB.jpg)
« on: January 14, 2023, 05:54:52 am »
(This post was a response to another member's blog, lost due to the blip. I decided to add it to my blog)
The 'person I used to be' was a facade, a character I created out of necessity to protect my soul. 'He' had to fit within the box society defined for those with similar physical characteristics. Despite the inner turmoil this caused, 'he' had to remain in control to protect the fragile essence of the person within. 'He' became so strong and powerful that my soul was encased in darkness, and was never allowed to dance in the sun. Despite the darkness, over the years my soul grew and became strong enough to stand on her own. Once 'he' was reminded of her existence and realized how strong she had become, 'he' realized she no longer needed his protection. 'He' protected her all his life, but now his job was done and it was time to allow her to live, time for her to dance in the sun.
'He' never really existed. 'He' was a shell we created to protect the truth of who we were. Eventually, 'he' gave his life so we could live. I think that is why my deadname is so triggering. It reminds me of the person who protected me, the person who gave his life to give me life.
Enjoy your new life Sarah, and occasionally dance like nobody's watching.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 15, 2023, 04:32:33 pm »
Susan and I are enjoying a slow weekend at home. The cold I caught a week or so ago is fading fast. Unfortunately, I shared my cold with Susan, and it seems to be hitting her much harder than me. I was worried that it would delay my scheduled cataract surgery on Monday morning, but I think it will be fine. I had been wearing a contact lens on my uncorrected eye, but the opthalmologist told me to stop wearing it at least three days prior to surgery. So until Monday afternoon, my vision will be somewhat less than optimal.
I decided to take the opportunity to straighten up around the house a bit. I've already gone through several bags of new clothes which had stacked up in the bedroom. I really need to go through my clothes again, I think I have enough leggings to open my own store. I rearranged my necklaces using a new jewelry tree Susan gave me for Christmas, then I fixed a loose strap on one of my dresses. I also found an earring I had lost a few weeks ago. It had buried itself in the carpet so far that our vacuum didn't pick it up. Last week I found out that I had been accepted for another round of voice therapy at UAMS. The sessions start mid-February.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 16, 2023, 02:19:18 pm »
My cataract surgery this morning went well. The doctor removed the dressing about an hour ago. I can see, but my vision is still quite foggy. It will take some time for the medications to wear off, and a while longer for my vision to clear up. I have a follow-up appointment next week, and in a month or so I'll have an eye exam to determine the overall results.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 17, 2023, 02:28:09 pm »
My vision is MUCH better today. Yesterday evening my right eye was still very sensitive to light. Although things looked sharper, vision in that eye was still quite foggy. Today the fog is gone, and my vision is great!
My left eye was done first (back in November), as it was bothering me the most. I wanted to get my right eye taken care of quickly, but the earliest appointment they has was mid-January. Colors are now brighter and more vivid. I have not driven at night since having the second eye done, but I could already tell the night vision improvement after having my left eye corrected. I had a lot of astigmatism, and the new lenses make a huge difference. Sunglasses are definitely required for sunny days.
I was helping
@Susan_Rose with a post earlier today and noticed that she didn't have an avatar. That oversight has now been corrected!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 18, 2023, 11:00:55 am »
My insurance would cover the 'standard' intraocular lens, but not the toric lenses which can help with astigmatism. It would be nice if insurance would cover the most appropriate (optimum) solution for each patient, instead of just the minimum solution. The toric lenses added $2600 to my bill, but they were worth it. I can read reasonably-sized type at arms length, but threading a needle or reading fine print will require glasses.
One of the things I always disliked about glasses was walking in the rain or snow. I hated getting anything on my glasses which further impaired my vision. Now I can enjoy a walk in the rain or snow if I want, without having to clean my glasses every few minutes.
'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.' - Vivian Greene
In a way, my glasses were also a metaphor for the things which didn't allow me to enjoy life. Now all of those things are gone, and I can enjoy simply being me.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 20, 2023, 10:10:23 am »
I had a follow-up appointment with my ENT yesterday. They did another 'strobe' test, which is performed by snaking a video camera through my nose into my throat. The worst part is the numbing spray, it is exceptionally bitter. They had me read the 'rainbow passage' and make a few other verbal noises while recording. Then they brought up the recording from the tests I did last year for comparison. The differences were much greater than I expected. My voice was much stronger and had a noticeably higher pitch. They gave me copies of the videos. Seeing your own vocal cords moving is weird. My voice is significantly better than before, which makes me hopeful that I'll make more progress during the next semester of therapy.
I haven't been doing my vocal exercises since the sessions ended, but I need to get back into the habit of doing them on a regular basis. Even without the daily workout, my 'voice pitch analyzer' app still shows a nice change:
MinAvg MaxAvg Avg
29Dec2018 149Hz 188Hz 167Hz
14Jul2020 167Hz 221Hz 191Hz
06Jan2022 165Hz 214Hz 189Hz
09Nov2022 168Hz 242Hz 204Hz
19Jan2023 178Hz 246Hz 209Hz
My vision is still slowly improving, but the most dramatic changes have already occurred. I have several more days of eyedrops and using an eye shield at night. Other than reading small print, I can perform all of my daily activities, including driving, without corrective lenses (glasses or contacts). I do need sunglasses for sunny days though, so I need to find some fashionable ones. I have an optometrist appointment Monday.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: January 24, 2023, 12:38:26 pm »
I had an optometrist appointment yesterday. The doctor didn't notice any inflammation at all. I no longer need to use the eye shield or ointment at night, and I only need one of the prescription eye drops. Vision in my left eye is 20/20, and I'm hoping that's where my right eye will eventually settle at. Even if it stays where it is now, my vision is perfectly acceptable for everything (except reading) without glasses or contacts.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 7, 2023, 03:47:05 pm »
Susan and I visited my dad over the weekend. The weather had warmed up a bit and the skies were mostly clear. As usual, we picked up some sandwiches at McAllister's Deli for lunch. After lunch, I pulled the memory card from my dad's trail camera on my dad's back porch. He doesn't have any official pets, but he puts out table scraps and dog food to see what comes by. The most common diners are raccoons (up to four at once), opossum, rats, mice, and a cat. After checking the photos, Susan and I went into town to do a little shopping. We found a few small items, and something my dad had requested.
My dad had asked for some new v-neck t-shirts. I had not purposefully entered the men's department in well over five years, and it bothered me. I really didn't like being there, I guess it was just an unwelcome reminder of my past. I found the t-shirts and left that area of the store as quickly as I could.
On Sunday morning we went to a local fast food restaurant for breakfast, then visited the cemetary where my mom and a brother (Carl) are resting. We met my brother Gene and his wife for lunch at Outback Steakhouse and had a nice visit with them. Once we got back to my dad's house, we loaded up our things and headed home.
Yesterday I received a call from my next student clinician! The speech therapy course starts up next week, and she wanted to know what aspects of my speech I wanted to work on this next semester. The work we did last semester really helped, and I'm looking forward to additional gains this semester.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/orxtAq9.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/VIWX5ve.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/ykoO0W6.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/fXHuC3x.jpg)
« on: February 12, 2023, 10:57:07 am »
I had a dental appointment last Wednesday, just a routine cleaning. Oddly, it was routine. To think that I would ever consider my life to be 'routine' again used to be a fantasy. I don't dwell on the difficulties I had to overcome. Simply being me is enough.
I finished our taxes yesterday and filed them. We bought a vehicle over the summer which included a tax incentive, so we will be getting a nice refund. We still need to replace a section of metal roof which was damaged during a hail storm last year. Most of the 'leftover' refund will go towards paying off a 401k loan I had to take out for my last round of FFS.
I have an optometrist appointment tomorrow, I expect it will be the final checkup for my cataract surgery. I'm not sure if I will be getting a new prescription at that time, or if I will need to wait a bit longer. The vision in my right eye is not quite as sharp as my left eye, and I will definitely need reading glasses.
My dad finally replaced two old television sets, they both had picture tubes (CRT). Unfortunately, he can't figure out how to scan for broadcast channels (he doesn't have cable or internet service). He wants to know when we can visit again so I can set up the televisions. My brother and his wife only live about 15 minutes away from my dad. Maybe he just want us to visit more often? I don't mind. Sometimes he tells us stories from his youth, and I know one day his stories will fall silent. I expect we will visit him again next weekend.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 14, 2023, 06:24:57 pm »
My optometrist appointment went well, and I got a new prescription. It's nice not needing glasses all the time, but I don't like having to pull out my reading glasses every time I want to read something. I ordered a new set of glasses with progressive lenses, that way I can just leave them on all day. It's nice having the option to go without them whenever it's more convenient though.
When I got home from the appointment, it was time to bake a dessert. Susan told me that I was going to make cheescake for Valentine's Day. I think she finally understands who's the boss around here. She supervised, but I did all of the work. It looks good, and we will sample it after supper tonight.
I finally contacted a roofer to repair/replace the section of metal roofing which was damaged during the hail storm last year. It was just cosmetic damage, but our insurance covered full replacement, so we want to get it done.
Our medical insurance provider recently added a search filter for 'inclusive' care. Out of over 1100 medical practitioners listed, adding the 'inclusive' filter dropped that number to 11. Last week I found a primary care doctor in Hot Springs, AR, who lists 'gender dysphoria' as her area of expertise. Her office called me this morning, and I have an appointment with her next Monday afternoon. Driving all the way back to Denver to see my doctor just isn't a good long-term solution, so hopefully this new doctor will work out.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: February 14, 2023, 06:30:46 am »
I had an electrolysis session on Tuesday. My electrologist seemed happy, he found a few hairs which didn't require much searching. He finished up with my neck and face quickly, so we moved on to other areas. Underarms, nothing. Chest, maybe a dozen or so. Stomach, nothing. I was a bit uncomfortable, but I removed my leggings so he could get a few dark ones I had seen on my legs. This was the first time I had even down to my panties in front of a male. As expected, he remained quite professional. After finishing my legs, he spent the rest of my session on my arms and hands.
The results from the Monday blood draw came back. My estrogen level was 269. I was surprised it was so much higher than usual. Although it had not been checked in around 2 years, the last few tests had indicated levels around 170. I had put on a new patch the day before my checkup, but patches usually don't result in giant hormone level swings. So far my doctor has not mentioned anything.
Wednesday evening I had another voice therapy session. I saw a great video on throat massage which included some discussion on all of the structures in your throat. My clinician said she would send me a link to the video, and I'll post it once I get it.
After the class was over, I hung out in the parking lot talking to two other folks taking the class. Both of them thought my voice was already perfect, and they were amazed that I had only transitioned five years ago. One of them didn't think the class was going to help much, they thought their voice was too deep and they would never reach a 'female' pitch. For the first time in years, I demonstrated my old voice. They were shocked! It gave them hope that they would be able to find a new voice that they would be happy with.
I never thought I would have a nice voice either. After watching a few YouTube videos five or six years ago, and now a few voice therapy sessions, my average frequency has gone from around 120Hz up to 209Hz -- and I know I can do even better! Don't give up on your voice. A little voice therapy may be able to do more than you imagine.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: March 4, 2023, 08:07:02 am »
Last night I began a new, intimate relationship with something long and hard... but first an update on my glasses.
My new glasses arrived Thursday. Although my distance vision was good enough for daylight driving, I was really uncomfortable driving at night. The new prescription is perfect, and with progressive lenses (no line bifocals), I don't need to search for reading glasses to check my phone.
My new relationship? It's related to a prescription which arrived Thursday afternoon, estradiol valerate. They forgot to send syringes and needles though. I made a call to my doctor, and she said I could drop by to pick some up. Yesterday I drove to her office (about 40 minutes away), gave her printouts of previous blood tests, picked up the supplies, then went home. I researched how to give intramuscular injections, then watched a few 'how to' videos. I had never given myself, or anyone else, an injection. I figured with all of the surgeries I've gone through and all of the electrolysis I've had, how bad could it be?
Last night, I drew my first dose of estradiol valerate. I Switched to a 25 gauge 1.5 inch needle for the injection. I pulled the skin on the side of my thigh taught, then drove the needle all the way down. It was unexpectedly painless until the last quarter-inch or so. Even that last little bit was barely noticeable.
Estradiol valerate is highly viscous. Pushing it though that tiny needle required patience. As long as you hold it still, the only discomfort comes from the building pressure inside your thigh muscle receiving the dose. Once I had fully depressed the plunger, I waited a few seconds before withdrawing the needle. There was just one tiny drop of blood which was barely noticeable, even with my new glasses. My stomach was feeling a little queasy and my thigh was a little sore, but the deed was done. I went to sleep about an hour later, and by the time I woke up the soreness was gone.
Transdermal patches had served me well over the years, and I may one day return to them. It will be nice not having to deal with the dark rings of adhesive which form around a patch after a day or two. That visible reminder of my status was beginning to bother me. Now I will need to get used to new weekly ritual. I have an appointment with my doctor in a few weeks to make sure all is well.
The rain has cleared out for now, and the weather should be good for a few days. Spring will be here soon. This weekend I plan to extend one of our flower beds 15 - 20 feet. Susan wants another rose bush, and maybe some space for a few vegetables.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 06, 2024, 07:23:36 AM« on: February 14, 2023, 06:30:46 am »
Wednesday evening I had another voice therapy session. I saw a great video on throat massage which included some discussion on all of the structures in your throat. My clinician said she would send me a link to the video, and I'll post it once I get it.
After the class was over, I hung out in the parking lot talking to two other folks taking the class. Both of them thought my voice was already perfect, and they were amazed that I had only transitioned five years ago. One of them didn't think the class was going to help much, they thought their voice was too deep and they would never reach a 'female' pitch. For the first time in years, I demonstrated my old voice. They were shocked! It gave them hope that they would be able to find a new voice that they would be happy with.
I never thought I would have a nice voice either. After watching a few YouTube videos five or six years ago, and now a few voice therapy sessions, my average frequency has gone from around 120Hz up to 209Hz -- and I know I can do even better! Don't give up on your voice. A little voice therapy may be able to do more than you imagine.
Can I add a well voiced 'Amen!' ??
Voice therapy with practice is magic. I finished voice therapy in December. Its really amazing how much better I sound.. and how much I keep improving. Pitch, resonance, brightness, and inflection.
:)
~Jenn
Quote from: Jenn104 on January 06, 2024, 07:37:07 AMCan I add a well voiced 'Amen!' ??
Voice therapy with practice is magic. I finished voice therapy in December. Its really amazing how much better I sound.. and how much I keep improving. Pitch, resonance, brightness, and inflection.
:)
~Jenn
That's great news, Jenn! While voice therapy may not work for everyone, I think it at least worth trying. It's much cheaper than surgery, and there's no recovery time. Once you understand how your voice works, how different parts of your body contribute to it, the changes can be dramatic. You do need to put in some time and effort though. With proper training and lots of practice, I think many people will be able to find a voice they like.
Love always -- Jess
« on: March 21, 2023, 08:50:49 pm »
My trip to Colorado Springs went well. The drive up was very windy, but I didn't have to deal with any snow or ice on the roads. I'm not sure if it was caused by my new HRT regimen, but I had a round of euphoria strike while driving through the Texas panhandle. There was a beautiful sunrise, I was singing along to 'Perfect' by Ed Sheeran, and I guess it was simply too much! What a glorious feeling!!!
Once I arrived in Colorado Springs, my first stop was a visit with my hair stylist. She invited me to her in-home salon! While she worked, I got to meet her daughter (a ballerina) and their canine companion. I had not seen my stylist in around six months, but she said my hair wasn't too bad. She gave it a little trim, some color, and a 'Brazilian blowout' which made my hair silky smooth.
The next stop was some electrolysis with Kris. It only took about two hours to clear my face, neck, chest, and stomach, plus a few stray hairs on my legs. Once Kris was done for the day, it was off to Old Chicago to meet some friends for supper. After supper I went back to my hotel, I was beat.
Saturday morning I drove to the Garden of the Gods. It had snowed a few days earlier and it was a great photo op. After taking a few photos, it was time to do a little shopping. At 11:00am I met Kris again for more electrolysis. We took a break around 1:00pm and met our friends Brenda and @Rayna for lunch at the Garden of the Gods Market. After lunch, it was back to the electrocution table. Kris finished up around 6:30pm. I was still full from lunch, so I went back to my hotel for the night.
While shopping at Target on Sunday morning, a lady struck up a conversation with me. She mentioned how hard it was for tall women to find pants with long legs. We discussed the issue for several minutes, and I told her about a few local stores which usually carry long-legged jeans. Then the subject switched to underwire bras and then to where we grew up! We probably talked for twenty minutes or so, until her daughter called and she had to leave. As soon as she left, I nearly broke down in tears. Having such a friendly conversation, woman to woman, with a complete stranger was something I would never have dreamed of a few years ago.
After my shopping trip, I met CJ (my first electrologist) and her husband for lunch at Outback Steakhouse. A large portion of our conversation was CJ's anger at all the the anti-trans laws being passed in the US. Once lunch was over, it was time to hit the road. I spent the night in Amarillo TX, and made it home Monday afternoon.
Today I had a checkup with my new doctor to check my hormone levels. While there, I got to meet Dr. Herzig in person! She's awesome, and we actually have quite a bit in common. We talked for over an hour, and she told me to contact her if I ever needed anything. This is the same Dr. Herzig who was asked a rather rude question by a state legislator in an open hearing a few weeks ago.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/lekm19e.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/CNyt1y5.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/JC59WQt.jpg)
« on: March 26, 2023, 06:34:41 pm »
I still have a difficult time believing that lady in the photo is me. For those of you who hesitate, don't let your current reflection hold you back. I was certain that I was going to be an ugly woman, but I would not have survived the path I was on. I believed transitioning was the only path I had left, and my decision was more an act of desperation than anything else. Yes, it was expensive and painful. However, I am here, I survived, and I have finally found the peace which eluded me for so long.
Susan and I visited relatives in Louisiana over the weekend. While visiting, I replaced a ceiling fan which appeared to have failed, only to discover the fan wasn't the problem. There was no power to the wall switch, and the circuit breaker was fine. My dad is now looking for an electrician to check the wiring. The house is 45 years old, so it's possible some new wiring will be necessary.
The azaleas at my dad's house are in full bloom, red, white, pink, and fuchsia. The rose bushes and wisteria are also doing well. It was a short trip, but we like to visit as often as we can.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/7h0EDJF.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/RPC9xXq.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/oiRF0Y5.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/X0SB1r2.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/QFaruN8.jpg)
« on: April 9, 2023, 08:09:03 pm »
Susan and I visited the Garvan Woodland Gardens on Saturday. It was a beautiful day -- no clouds, light breeze, and a temperature in the low 70's. With all the ugly going on around us, sometimes we just need a beauty break...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/zccYgYU.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/Ha8TPCK.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/XaEeslX.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/sQsELN2.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/M55KExG.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/2IP8Hyf.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/TpIo4DZ.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/5CgZorP.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/euohiV1.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/DdFUST4.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/voyg5F3.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/xrrf8lS.jpg)
« on: May 8, 2023, 02:32:10 pm »
I'm done, almost. I had to take out two 401k loans to pay for my facial surgeries. Last year I reached the age where I could make a 401k withdrawal without a tax penalty, so I 'repaid' the first loan early last year by making a 401k withdrawal. Over the last several months I've been making extra payments on the remaining loan. My final payment is set for 13 May. It's been a long, painful, expensive road, but it was the only option I had which would not lead to my sudden departure from life.
I realize most cis people can't understand why someone would transition. I was suffering from a condition which caused a lifetime of intense pain. There were no physical symptoms, no medical tests which could find the cause. Every night I went to bed hoping that a miracle would occur as I slept, and in the morning I would awake to a new life. The resentment at feeling trapped caused a steadily growing anger. As time passed, the anger became a sometimes uncontrollable rage. There were countless times I considered taking my own life, but I couldn't bear the thought of what would happen to my wife and daughters if I were no longer around to support them. My pain wasn't their fault, but they suffered from it nearly as much as I did.
One day my pain became so great, so terrifying, that I considered ending all of our lives. I was thinking 'who goes first?' My family and I only exist because for a brief moment, logic overruled my rage. That moment, that heartbeat of time, is what led me to where I am now. Whenever I wonder if it was worth it, I just think of that moment and instantly know I made the right decision.
I have been posting a lot of news articles over the last few months. All of the negative articles finally got to me last week, so I took a break. We shouldn't have to fight so hard for the simple right to exist. We don't tell others how to dress. We don't tell them which books to read. We don't restrict their medical care based on our personal or religious principles. We don't ask about the configuration of their genitals. All we ask for is the same respect we are expected to give, the same rights everyone else enjoys. We are rare and beautiful people, getting trampled by those who are being incited by misleading information presented by media, politicians, and extremists.
Every day we get knocked down, every morning we rise once again and dust ourselves off. We are being relentlessly attacked, yet we refuse to yield. Maybe that's why we are hated and despised -- because we are more resilient, because we are stronger, because we have discovered the internal strength which only comes through living an authentic life. That's really all we want, a chance to be ourselves.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: May 15, 2023, 08:29:31 pm »
We finally finished replacing the plants that didn't survive winter, and planted a few new ones to fill in other spots in our flower bed. I replaced the dead plants with either hydrangea or daylilies. I think daylilies are some of the hardiest plants around, as long as they have adequate drainage. I also added a dark red rose that Susan picked out. It's right outside our bedroom window. I even made a spot for some vegetables, Susan planted some squash and zucchini. I think our hydrangeas are still a bit waterlogged from all of our recent rain, but hopefully they will recover.
I have enjoyed photography for decades, and began working with digital cameras back in the mid-1990's. When I was in the USAF, I requisitioned an Apple Quick Take 150 so we could print our own photos for security access cards. That same year I ordered some Kodak DCS420 cameras and 170MB PCMCIA hard drives to support F-117 maintenance. The planes were at Holloman AFB, and the logistics center was at McClellan AFB. Maintenance folks used the cameras to take photos of damage and send them via encrypted communication back to the engineers at McClellan for review. I switched to all digital in the late 1990's. Every photo I took of our youngest daughter is digital, and she was born in 1998.
The point of the stories is that I have been working with digital cameras for a long time. Anyway, I finally decided to switch from digital SLR cameras to mirrorless cameras. I had been using a Canon 5D Mark IV for years, and bought a Canon 90D about 18 months ago for wildlife photography. The features in the Canon R7 are like magic (I'm sure Nikon and Sony are also magical), just looking through the viewfinder made me smile and giggle! The new Canon RF lens mount also adds some useful capabilities. Canon offers a lens mount converter so I can use my old EF and EF-S mount lenses on the new bodies, but many of the new RF lenses are optically superior to the older ones. I have already sold my Canon 90D and a few lenses, and the Canon 5D will be listed for sale soon. It's an expensive hobby, but it often brings joy to my life and allows me to easily share parts of my life with others.
Susan and I visited Garvan Gardens today. I wanted to test my new photo gear by getting some photos in and around the Anthony Chapel. It's usually quite crowded, but today it was deserted. It was warming up fast, so we only stayed an hour or so. I took Susan out to lunch at Red Lobster, then we headed home.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/7YyBs0F.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/WwBVEgj.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/xDJcLyp.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/qJ3dzRC.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/wreWREu.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/pnyEggI.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/2OtRaGv.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/zCD97HI.jpg)
« on: May 28, 2023, 08:22:53 am »
The weekend had been going well until last night. For some reason, Susan deadnamed me. I haven't spoken to her since. I planned to sleep in a different bedroom, but she had the same idea. I'm not sure where she slept last night. I did see her for a few minutes this morning. I refused to speak. She went for a walk about an hour ago, returned, then left again. We have still not spoken, but she knows what she did. I am at a loss for words. There is nothing in this world that hurts so much as someone calling me by my deadname. The one person I thought I could always count on has shattered my world. I'm lost, and alone...
« on: June 11, 2023, 07:35:16 pm »
Friday afternoon, I registered both of our cars at the Department of Revenue. The fees in Arkansas are very reasonable (much lower than Colorado), except for the extra $100 fee they tack on for hybrid vehicles!
Susan and I visited my dad over the weekend. My older brother and his wife live near my dad, but they are out of town for a few weeks. My dad lives in a rural area, and sometimes he goes for days without seeing anyone. We gave him some fresh muscadine jelly, some homemade pecan brittle, and a cordless angle grinder (he uses them to sharpen the blades on his mower).
It rained most of Saturday afternoon, but that didn't keep Susan and I from doing a little shopping. Susan usually heads towards housewares, while I look at clothing. We both found a few things to bring home. We also picked up a bag of dog food for my dad. He has some 'regulars' which come by every night looking for an easy meal -- raccoons, an opossum, some feral cats, and an occasional fox. He leave table scraps and occasionally a handful of dog food for them. We have a game cam set up to monitor the visitors. This time it caught a few photos of a kit (baby fox)!
My dad had been having trouble with his garage door opener for several months. It would only work occasionally. While I was checking out the wiring, one of the wire nuts fell off. I put it back on properly, and the opener seems to work every time now.
Sunday morning I took photos of the flowers around my dad's house, while fighting off squadrons of mosquitoes. Later in the morning we visited the cemetery where my mom and brother rest. My dad visits them every weekend and leaves a fresh flower from one the the plants around his house. A few hours after lunch, Susan and I headed home.
I've finished swapping out my camera equipment, finally selling the last 'old' lens on an online auction site. I had to get the lens serviced before selling it. I used it at softball games for years and there was quite a bit of dust inside. The cleaning was expensive, but I would have had a very unhappy customer if I had sold a dirty lens.
I had planned on going to Colorado Spring this weekend, but my electrologist canceled all of her appoints due to an unexpected death. I told her to take all the time she needs. Hopefully I'll be able to visit this next weekend.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 20, 2023, 08:37:57 pm »
During our last visit, my dad made a comment about all of the things I have given him lately. He thinks we're spending too much money on him. I told him not to worry, because eventually I'll get everything back! That made him laugh.
I was supposed to see Kris in Colorado on the 9th, but that fell through. I saw my local electrologist yesterday and he did a good clean up. I'm hoping to visit Kris near the end of July.
Susan and I visited Garvan Gardens last Saturday. We only stayed an hour or so because it warmed up quickly. We had lunch at Red Lobster, then headed home. I spent the rest of the weekend going though a few more boxes of junk from our move (nearly two years ago), it seems to be a never-ending task.
I'm going to visit my doctor this afternoon for a hormone level check. It's been about four months since I switched to injections, and she wants to make sure the dosage is correct. I still don't like jabbing myself with a long needle every week, but for me it's preferable to seeing those patches all the time.
Our daylilies are still blooming, and the hostas are also now in bloom. Susan's tomatoes are doing well, better now that we caught the rat which was snacking on them! We didn't hurt it, just took it back to the field behind our house and released it. We cleared out the area where it had taken up residence, so hopefully it will not return.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 22, 2023, 07:43:24 pm »
I've been thinking a lot about the Harry Chapin song 'Cat's In The Cradle'. My dad and I actually had a lot in common, which is probably why we didn't get along very well for many years. I was also afraid of him, a byproduct of the whippings I received as a child. The phrases 'I'll spank you so hard you won't be able to sit down for a week' and 'I'll whip your rear until your nose bleeds' still ring in my ears. I have forgiven him, but I can never forget what he did.
Memories of him controlled my life for many years. The thought of his potential response kept me from beginning my transition in 2002. I finally grew strong enough to break out of his grip and begin my transition in 2017. I nearly turned into the same kind of person my dad was, but transitioning allowed me to find the freedom I never tasted as a child.
I had to make a grocery run this evening. While I was in the store I heard 'Just The Way You Are' by Bruno Mars playing, and I began to sing along softly... something my dad would never do in public. I did not grow up to be just like my father. In my mind, that's the best compliment I could ever receive.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: June 27, 2023, 11:06:53 am »
It has been warmer than usual here. Wednesday through Saturday our low's will range between 74 - 78 with high's between 99 - 103. Humidity will be around 60%. We bought a dehumidifier a few weeks ago, and it usually collects about 2 gallons of water every day. We have it set to keep the indoor humidity around 45%. Our thermostat is set on 76, which is very comfortable for me, but I think Susan would prefer it to be a few degrees cooler. We also have ceiling fans in every room.
Sunrise: 6:00am
Sunset: 8:28pm
Susan and I visited my dad over the weekend. Saturday afternoon the thermometer in the car read 105 degrees! We did the usual:
- Picked up sandwiches at McAllister's Deli for lunch with my dad.
- Reviewed game camera photos from his patio (raccoons, opossum, fox).
- Susan and I went shopping and picked up things my dad requested.
- Picked up supper at McDonald's (per my dad's request).
- My dad picked up Saturday morning breakfast at McDonald's.
- Took some photos of the flora and fauna around his house.
- We went to the local cemetery to visit my mom and brother.
- We met my survuving brother and his wife for lunch at Red Lobster.
- Back to my dad's house to load up the car.
- Drove home (a little under 3 hours).
While at my dad's house:
I fixed a clock -- the battery was dead.
I fixed his stereo -- the batteries in the remote control were dead.
I fixed his TV -- someone changed the selected input to 'USB' instead of 'antenna'.
The garage door was still working well.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 25, 2023, 04:38:00 pm »
Susan and I had a nice visit with my dad last weekend. The mosquitoes were voracious, but I still got a few good photos around my dad's house. In addition to putting a light fixture back together and fighting with the stubborn garage door opener again, we helped celebrate my brother's wedding anniversary. I think it was number 45. My brother and his wife recently visited Ireland, and I had let them borrow a compact camera. They liked it so much that they had offered to buy it from me. Since we knew they wanted it, we gave them the camera for their anniversary.
Tomorrow (Wednesday), I will be heading back to Colorado Springs. Thursday afternoon I'm scheduled to meet with someone in Castle Rock to pick up a gift related to a fundraiser I participated in. If all goes well, I'll provide more details when I get home. The meeting is in the middle of the afternoon in a public place that I'm familiar with, so it's safe.
I plan to meet some friends for dinner at least once while I'm in town, but my primary goal is to see Kris again. She lost someone very close to her a few months ago, and it put her into a deep depression. She canceled all of her electrolysis sessions for weeks. I'll be taking her a giant load of hugs, and I hope I will be able to cheer her up a little. If @Rayna is available, we'll probably get together for lunch at least once while I'm there.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: July 30, 2023, 06:47:33 pm »
My first stop in Denver was to pick up something very special. A few months after COVID became a nuisance, I discovered the Denver-based electric string quartet 'Spinphony'. They mix pop and rock tunes with classical pieces to come up with great music. For example, their version of 'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC is called 'Toccatastruck'. A few months ago they asked for donations to cover the recording studio fee for a new album. I love their music, so I made a generous donation. As a 'thank you' they gave me a violin which had been painted and used as a prop for some promotional photos. It is gorgeous!
My second stop in Denver was to close out an old bank account. We were still having issues with one of the credit reporting agencies when we bought our 2019 Honda CR-V. The dealer found a credit union who would provide a loan, but we had to become a member. We traded the Honda last year, and discovered there was more money in the account than we expected. It wasn't enough to cover my trip, but it helped quite a bit.
I had to deal with some awful traffic in Denver, but once I got into Castle Rock it cleared up nicely. After I checked into my hotel, I met some friends for dinner. Carl and Gina meet with me nearly every time I visit. It was really nice they could join me for dinner on my birthday, and they even brought me a big vase full of flowers! We talked for nearly two hours. I was really tired by the time I got back to my hotel.
I didn't have anything planned on Friday until my 1:00pm visit with my hair stylist, so I decided to take a short hike along the Siamese Twin trail in the Garden of the Gods. By the time I was done, it was starting to get hot. I picked up a few things at the gift shop, then went back to the hotel for a shower.
I met my hair stylist at 1:00pm for a trim and a 'Brazilian Blowout', which really helps to smooth my hair (at least for a few weeks). I met Kris around 3:00pm for about 3.5 hours of electrolysis, then picked up a quick meal which I ate in the hotel.
On Saturday morning I did a little shopping, then met Kris at 11:00am for more electrolysis. We took a break at 1:00pm to meet Brenda and @Rayna for lunch at the Garden of the Gods Market. After lunch, Rayna went home and the rest of us went back to Kris's office for more electrolysis. I had planned to leave around 3:00pm, but since I had not seen Kris for three months she had some extra work to do. I finally left town around 5:30pm, and arrived in Amarillo near midnight. I hit the road around 7:30am Sunday morning and made it home at 4:30pm. I'm really tired, but I got everything done that I had planned, so it was a very successful trip.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Spinphony violin
(https://i.imgur.com/OmDiNMW.jpg)
Garden of the Gods
(https://i.imgur.com/gWTba0x.jpg)
Siamese Twins
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« on: August 11, 2023, 07:13:23 pm »
It's been quiet around our house, other than a few hummingbirds taking selfies on our backyard security camera!
I've finished updating all of my camera equipment, at least for now (famous last words). I started posting one of my photos every morning on my team's group chat at work, and my manager really liked the idea. Somedays they will get a photo of the moon, the sunrise, maybe an insect, or the previous days' sunset. I think it's a nice way to start the day.
I have been selling off some of the things I accumulated before my transition. I used to be a bit of a hoarder, and it's something I still struggle with at times. If one is good, two is better! You wouldn't believe the pile of flashlights and knives I have uncovered, along with quite a few rifle scopes -- all still new and unused. I have at least discovered the root cause of this behavior...
When I was growing up, like most kids I had a habit of leaving my toys out after playing with them. Of course, my parents always told me to pick them up. Apparently if I left them out too often, my parents would pick them up and either throw them out or donate them without telling me. My favorite toys would simply vanish without explanation. I'm sure they thought it would teach me a lesson, but they probably had no idea how that would affect me later in life. The lesson apparently was: if you find something you really like, get two... because one of them may vanish.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/LUJhtqv.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/HEahOuN.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/TiZXjfC.jpg)
« on: August 19, 2023, 07:42:34 pm »
Susan and I plan to do some decorating this weekend. Many of our walls are still bare, and it just doesn't feel like 'home' without photos and decorations on the walls. I know we won't finish this weekend, but in reality that job will never be finished. I ordered a few odd-sized frames we will need, but they won't arrive until later in the week. We still have plenty of empty frames though, we just need to find photos we love and figure out where to put them.
I've started going through my softball photos. I assumed the role of 'team photographer' for a club softball team one of my daughters played on years ago. She was only on the team one year, but I loved it so much that I covered seven seasons! I took over 360,000 photos at their games. I'm deleting the 'bad' ones (out of focus, exceptionally poor lighting, etc). I plan to give a complete set of them to their coach once I'm done with cleanup.
A few days ago, I saw someone in the meadow behind our house with survery equipment. I hope I'm wrong, but that may be a prelude to more home construction and loss of the meadow. The only thing I don't like about living in a subdivision is not having a 'view'. When you look outside and all you can see are other houses, it just seems a bit depressing. If we do lose our meadow, we will probably put up a privacy fence and go nuts with plants. We need to have something pretty out there.
A friend of mine had one of her social media accounts hacked yesterday, and the hacker masqueraded as my friend during a chat session we had yesterday afternoon. They texted a few things which seemed out-of-character, so I contacted my friend through a different channel and discovered what was going on. She had discovered the hack earlier in the day and had changed her password, but she was still trying to do damage control. In an effort to prevent that from happening to my social media account, I turned on two-factor authentication.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: August 22, 2023, 06:51:17 pm »
We were able to get a lot of decorating done over the weekend. I printed and framed six 8x10 prints, two 8x16 prints, and reframed a 12x18 print. I also hung several other decorative items. I even pulled two large prints from their frames so I could clean the glass. Both sides of the glass seemed a bit foggy for some reason. We still have some work to do, but it definitely looks more like a home now.
I visited my local electrologist yesterday for a one hour session. My face and neck only took about 10 minutes, and there was no underarm hair. There were a few thin, light-colored hairs on my chest and legs, but most of the appointment was spent on my arms.
The voice therapy classes start up at UAMS soon, but I will no longer be a client. Although I'll probably get some unofficial voice therapy, my main role will now be as a mentor to the UAMS student therapists. Our first staff meeting is scheduled next week, so I expect to learn more about my role then.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Monument Valley - 19 Sep 2008
(https://i.imgur.com/d9rUQ8o.jpg)
« on: August 25, 2023, 05:40:36 pm »
I had an eye exam yesterday, a follow-up from the cataract surgery I had several months ago. I mentioned that the prescription for my left eye was 'off', anything more than 40 feet away was out of focus. They checked my prescription, and everything looked correct. Then I showed them how they had adjusted my glasses during my previous visit. It looked like they had just twisted them at the bridge, which caused the lenses to be at different angles. They agreed that wasn't right, and mentioned it could be what was causing my vision issues. They adjusted my glasses properly, and my vision does seem to be much better.
Both of our cars need service. I took one of them in today. The dealer even made a purchase offer, close to the price we paid for it a year ago. Since we received a tax incentive on the purchase, we would actually come out ahead. We like the car though, so it will be staying with us for a while. Our other car has over 140,000 miles, and it has held up well. I ordered new air filters, which are simple to change, and it also needs an oil change, tire rotation, and transmission fluid swap. I'll try to get that taken care of next week.
I build my own PC's, and I like them to be quiet. I'm not a gamer, but I've noticed some of the photo editing tools are now taking advantage of GPU's. In the past, I had always gone with the best fanless card I could get. My nine-year old Radeon HD7750 with 1GB memory was probably the weakest part of my system, so I decided to upgrade. I now have a Radeon RTX 4060 with 8GB, which should be all I need for a while.
Susan and I are going to do some additional decorating and general cleanup in our house this weekend. I'm on-call, so I can't go too far.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: September 13, 2023, 06:52:48 pm »
A good friend of mine recently visited with some of her buddies from college. It made me think about my friends, and how few I really have. I have moved eight times -- Texas, Virginia, Louisiana, Nebraska, Nevada, California, Arkansas, Colorado, and back to Arkansas. My 'oldest' friends are some of my current co-workers, but none of them are really 'close' friends. My oldest close friend is my first electrologist, CJ. We still keep in touch, and I visit her in Colorado when our schedules allow. Is it odd that my oldest close friend is someone I met just seven years ago?
There are many songs which can provoke an emotional reaction from me. Probably the most powerful one is 'Cat's In The Cradle' by Harry Chapin. Despite my frequent visits, my dad is not one of my favorite people. Until I discovered my truth, in many ways I was just like my dad -- and I blame him for that. He was an authoritarian bully who controlled everyone in our family through intimidation. If someone asked what one word best describes my childhood, it would be 'fear'. His punishments were carried out with the belt from his Air Force uniform. What he did would be considered child abuse now, but back then I thought it was normal behavior. Although I have broken free of his control, my family suffered from some of the 'lessons' I was taught. Although we have a good relationship now, I will not shed any tears when his time comes.
We discovered that the next phase of our housing development will be behind our house, so we will soon be losing the meadow and trees. We do have a 20-foot easement behind our lot for drainage, so at least we will have a reasonable amount of separation. The lots will be larger, around 1/2 acre. Hopefully the larger lots will result in single-story homes.
I'm going to be busy later this month:
20 Sep Medical appointment (Hot Springs, AR)
22 Sep Electrolysis (Colorado Springs, CO)
23 Sep Hair appointment (Colorado Springs, CO)
23 Sep Engagement photo session (Colorado Springs, CO)
26 Sep Steph2.0 and SassyCassie visit (Home)
29 Sep P!nk Concert (Arlington, TX)
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 25, 2023, 09:18:49 am »
After fighting through Friday afternoon traffic in Dallas on 29 Sep to get to our hotel, we discovered that just hours before our arrival the concert had been postponed. The hotel reset our reservation for the new date, and they didn't charge us anything. We fought our way back out of town, and spent the weekend with my dad.
I love listening to music while driving. Last week I decided to set up a new flash drive filled with my favorite tunes. While working on it, I realized the music software I was using with 'Android Auto' wasn't playing all of my songs. I discovered that it wouldn't play 'wma' files, and over half of my library was in that format. I tried a few other players, but none of them worked well for me. I couldn't find a good file converter, so I decided to re-rip all of my CD's (I have several hundred) using the 'mp3' format at the highest sampling rate I had available (320kbps). It took about three days for me to get through all of my CD's. I copied the music to a flash drive and removed the songs which don't bring me joy. After nearly a week of effort, I finally have my new flash drive ready, and yes, I made a backup!
One of our neighbors invited us to dinner at their house. Nothing fancy, just spaghetti with our choice of two different sauces, garlic bread, and salad. They also had some chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream for dessert! Several other families had been invited, and we all enjoyed the evening. The most interesting part was that I never mingled with the men, I stayed with the group of women all night. Susan left after dinner to attend an HOA meeting, and I stayed on the patio with four other moms. We were all just talking about the things going on in our lives. At one point I nearly began to cry, but I was able to recover quickly and I don't think anyone noticed. What brought on the emotion? I realized the situation I was in, a group of five moms simply talking about our lives and our families, and I was one of them.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: October 31, 2023, 07:31:37 pm »
We visited my dad over the weekend. After unloading our luggage at my dad's house, we all headed down to McAllister's for lunch with my brother, his wife, and their son. After lunch we took my dad home, then went back into town for a little shopping. Sunday morning we visited the cemetery, where my dad placed a fresh rose on the markers for my mom and brother. My dad wanted a sandwich for lunch, so we stopped at a Subway. Believe it or not, this was my dad's first ever visit to a Subway sandwich shop! After lunch, I replaced the lettering on my dad's rural mailbox. Once that task was done, we loaded up the car and headed home.
During past visits, my dad had mentioned that when he finds things I may be interested in taking home, he would leave them on top of the dresser in my old room. On this visit, a childhood toy was there - my Fisher Price 'Huffy Puffy' train. I remember pulling that little train all over the house. The plastic string broke, so someone tied it to the smokestack on the engine. It's at our house now, and eventually I'll find a nice place to display it.
The Sunday after Thanksgiving, 2020, my mom broke one of her legs. Surgery was required. It wasn't healing properly, so she was moved into a care facility. In early February they performed an MRI and discovered she had terminal cancer. After she passed, everything from her room was quickly boxed up. A few weeks ago, my dad found some Christmas gifts in one of the boxes, and one of the gifts was for me and Susan. Even though she knew her time was short, she was still thinking of others. It's a small gift, long and narrow, not very heavy. I may never unwrap it. What's beneath the paper can't be nearly as precious as the love it is wrapped with.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/j76W3CK.jpg)
« on: November 1, 2023, 07:43:42 pm »
I plan to save the gift from my mom for sometime far into the future. The name tag is in my mom's handwriting, and I expect she wrapped it herself. Having that little sample of her is priceless. I do have a few other items my mom made. Years ago, she did a lot of ceramic work. I have a 'football player', a 'cheerleader' and 'Viking' figurines she gave me in the early 1970's. I was never a football player, nor was I a cheerleader, and I definitely was not a Viking, but my mom made them for me. The 'Viking' was my high school mascot.
The little toy train is a reminder of happier times. I remember playing with it quite often when I was four or five years old. I know it was a bit noisy and I expect my dad made me put it away on several occasions, but I do remember the little train being a source of joy.
Susan and I did a little shopping yesterday, our first stop was a local Harbor Freight. I needed a very sturdy hand truck (dolly), and I bought the biggest one they had. We also made a visit to TJ Maxx. I didn't find anything for myself, but I found a jacket for Susan, and Susan bought a ceramic snowman and some Christmas decorations.
They are clearing some land behind our house for new construction. The process exposed quite a few large quartz rocks, and we have been retrieving some of them to use as decorations in our garden. Several weeks ago I found a fairly large one, but it was too heavy to get into a wheelbarrow. After thinking about it for a while, I decided that a big hand truck might work. Yesterday afternoon, we successfully retrieved the rock. I'm not sure how much it weighs, but it is roughly 28in x 15in x 12in.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
My mom when she was 17 years old.
(https://i.imgur.com/QVHbfrY.jpg)
Our new rock!
(https://i.imgur.com/6d0CG3W.jpg)
Sunrise from our backyard.
(https://i.imgur.com/C5BZ8qS.jpg)
« on: November 16, 2023, 06:57:01 pm »
I had a mammogram today, my first in Arkansas. It went well, but my breasts are already starting to feel a bit sore. After verifying my identity, the radiologist asked 'how old were you when you had your first period?' I told her that I usually don't mention this, but I was assigned male at birth. Then I said something like 'are you OK with that?' She gave me a sweet smile and said 'yes, it's not an issue'. We had a nice conversation, she asked why I moved to Arkansas, then we talked a bit about Colorado. She treated me as well as all of the other radiologists have, and no different than any other person with breasts. I should have the results in about 10 days.
After leaving the hospital, I stopped off to do some grocery shopping. On the way home, I encountered someone in one of those big, oversized pickup trucks who apparently thought the size of his vehicle granted him right of way on a one lane traffic circle. I had to hit the brakes to avoid him, so I also hit my horn. The truck stopped in the road, and the male driver got halfway out and was yelling at me, flipping me off, and motioning me to get out of my car as if I wanted a personal confrontation. I waved at him using the same number of digits he was using, and he got back in his truck and began creeping down the road at under 10mph. I quickly passed him, but then he acted as though he was going to follow me home. He made a good decision not to follow when I turned onto my street.
I have a front and rear dash cam, so I have video (and audio) of the event. I probably could have handled it better, but I handled it much more calmly now than I would have several years ago.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: November 18, 2023, 06:28:07 pm »
I got new tires for my Honda today. The tread was down to 4/32s. Although still 'legal', at that depth driving at highway speeds in the rain becomes a safety issue. I'm also going to be getting a new windshield in a few weeks. All the driving I did in Colorado winters with the 'traction material' they use on the roads left my windshield hopelessly pitted. Driving towards the sun creates way too much glare.
After dropping off my car, I walked to a nearby sporting goods store to kill some time. About 15 minutes later, a man walked up to me and asked how long it was going to take them to finish working on my car. I thought it was an odd question, then I noticed an envelope from the tire store in his shirt pocket. Did he follow me over, or was it just a coincidence? He was heading back to South Carolina and his truck suddenly started feeling odd, apparently the belts in one of his tires had separated. We talked for 10 - 15 minutes, then it was time for me to get my car.
The mammogram I had Thursday did not cause lasting soreness. Although they felt a little bruised after the exam, they didn't get worse. It was one of the least uncomfortable mammograms I've ever had.
My on call rotation continues to be difficult, easily the most calls I've received in the last year. Luckily, all of the calls have been something I knew how to handle. My two-week rotation ends Monday morning.
Still no update on the P!nk concert schedule. I plan to visit Colorado again 8 - 10 December, if the weather cooperates.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
My pitted windshield... yes, it's clean.
(https://i.imgur.com/arhTywy.jpg)
« on: November 24, 2023, 05:50:59 pm »
Susan and I had a nice Thanksgiving. Our daughter K and her boyfriend J drove up from Austin TX on Wednesday. My dad was a bit upset that he wasn't able to visit us for Thanksgiving, so we are all going to visit him in Louisiana tomorrow. After lunch with my dad, K and J will be driving back to Austin while Susan and I plan to stay overnight and head home on Sunday afternoon.
The weather has been really nice, just a little cool. K really wants to visit a local fabric shop today, so she and Susan will hang out there, while J and I pass the time at a local coffee shop. We'll probably visit a few other stores, but there is nothing in particular we are looking for.
The time around Thanksgiving used to be quite hectic for us. We used to spend hours looking through the sale ads to create a plan of attack for the 'Black Friday' sales. We don't get the newspaper now, and the holidays are so much more relaxing. No fighting the traffic, and no time wasted fighting crowds and standing in line to get a 'bargain' that may well go unused.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/iP9AsXM.jpg)
« on: November 27, 2023, 06:35:14 pm »
We got to my dad's house around 11:00am Saturday morning. K and J arrived a few minutes later, and my dad gave them a quick tour of the house and the various sheds on his lot. At noon, we all met for lunch at Outback Steakhouse. My dad, Susan and I, daughter K with boyfriend J, my brother and his wife, and a nephew. After lunch, K and J headed back to Austin, while the rest of us went to my brother's house for dessert and conversation. We took my dad home around 4:00pm, then Susan and I went back into town to do a little shopping. When we finished our shopping, we bought some sandwiches for supper and went back to my dad's house for the evening.
After supper, we checked the 'critter cam' on my dad's patio. It recorded several visits by our resident raccoons, along with some barn cats, a few opossums, mice, and an armadillo. The strap we used to mount the camera rotted, so we replaced it with a bootlace for now. We also put in some fresh batteries.
My dad drove up to McDonald's early Sunday morning to get breakfast for everyone. Around 10:30am we drove out to the cemetary, my dad likes to put a fresh flower on the graves of my mom and one of his sons every week. We bought lunch on the way back to my dad's house, then hit the road for home around 1:00pm.
The results of my mammogram arrived today. Despite what some of my friends may think of me, I now have a letter from a certified medical professional that says I'm 'normal'.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jessica, Susan, dad, K, J
(https://i.imgur.com/z3AkNgP.jpg)
« on: December 4, 2023, 08:14:17 am »
Susan has decorated the inside of the house for the holidays, and yesterday (Sunday) I put up our tree. I've also been planning my next trip to Colorado Springs, I'll leave on Wednesday. There is a chance of snow in Colorado Springs Friday evening and it will be much colder, but otherwise the weather looks good. This will be my sixth visit to Colorado Springs this year. The main reason for my Colorado trips is electrolysis with Kris. I see my local electrologist every three weeks, but don't allow him to work on the more private areas.
I performed some vehicle maintenance in preparation for the drive. I haven't had to use a spare tire in a long time, but it's nice to have one available. I checked the pressure, and it was down to 8.5psi! It's now back up to 60psi. I recharged my portable jump starter and put fresh batteries in my travel flashlights. Tire pressure is good, and all the fluids have been checked. The tires I recently bought have the 'Three Peak Mountain Snowflake' symbol, so I should be OK if I encounter some snow.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 12, 2023, 10:27:12 am »
My trip to Colorado Springs went well. I spent Thursday night in Elk City, OK. I woke up way too early and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got on the road around 4:30am. It was really windy, even for Colorado! I made a stop near Walsenburg and the wind was gusting well over 50mph.
Since Kris didn't have any available appointments on Thursday, my first stop was to visit 'Wines of Colorado' in Cascade. They have a great little restaurant, but I was there for the wine. I bought four varieties of 'Colorado Cellars' wine - Cherry, Blueberry, Blackberry, and Plum. One of our daughters (Kimberly) really likes the Plum wine, and we had a bottle of Cherry with our Thanksgiving dinner. We gave Kimberly all of the Colorado Cellars wine we had when she visited for Thanksgiving, so we needed to restock.
One the way back to town, I drove through Garden of the Gods. I got some nice photos of the 'Balanced Rock' and picked up a few things at the Garden of the Gods Trading Post. After stopping by 'Ross' and not finding anything I wanted, it was finally late enough that I could check in to my hotel. I've been there so often they don't even ask for my ID.
Once I got unpacked, I headed north to meet a friend from work. I had not seen Elizabeth in over three years! When COVID-19 hit, our company decided to have everyone work from home. Initially we all thought it would be temporary, but it has evolved into something permanent. Elizabeth and I had a great dinner (I had barbeque chicken flatbread) at the 'UVA Wine Bar', and we hung out while listening to some live music and catching up on each other's lives.
Friday morning I went to see Kris for some electrolysis. We took a long break after the morning session, but she put in about 4.5 hours of work that day. In the evening I met up with two more friends from work, whom I had not seen since March 2020. Tracey and Vera met me at 'Red Gravy', a casual Italian restaurant in downtown Colorado Springs. We had a great dinner and some great conversation. By the time we left, it had started snowing.
I had to clear about three inches of snow from my car Saturday morning, then I drove to Garden of the Gods to take more photos. There was still some cloud cover, but the roads weren't too bad and the scenery was great. After an hour or so, it was time to visit Kris again. On the way over, I stopped off at Starbucks to get her some peppermint tea.
Kris put in two more hours of electrolysis, then our friend Brenda arrived for a quick touch-up. After that, it was time to head over to the 'Golden Bee' to meet Rayna for lunch. Brenda and I had afternoon appointments, so we couldn't stay as long as usual. After lunch, I headed north for my hair appointment. I try to visit Amy every time I get to town, but our schedules don't always match up very well. After my hair appointment, I went back to my hotel to start packing.
After checking out of my hotel Sunday morning, I drove down to Canon City to visit CJ and Howard. There was less traffic than usual, and the recent snow made the drive quite scenic. CJ and Howard took me to breakfast, then back to their house for some conversation. At 3:00pm, it was time for me to start my trip home. I spent the night in Clayton, NM, then got on the road around 6:30am for the drive home.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Spanish Peaks
(https://i.imgur.com/ODYrBbe.jpg)
Balanced Rock - Garden of the Gods
(https://i.imgur.com/ahPDY0A.jpg)
Garden of the Gods
(https://i.imgur.com/pdPfC8B.jpg)
Garden of the Gods
(https://i.imgur.com/CAQ6Yym.jpg)
Garden of the Gods
(https://i.imgur.com/a2THeS1.jpg)
Dawn near Clayton, NM
(https://i.imgur.com/kVGGNzN.jpg)
« on: December 18, 2023, 10:27:28 am »
Susan and I visited some relatives in Louisiana over the weekend. Our first stop was my dad's house to offload our luggage, then we drove dad down to Outback meet part of my brother's family for lunch. After lunch, we drove dad home, then went back into town for a little shopping. Traffic was awful, so we didn't go too far. We picked up dinner on the way back to my dad's house.
After dinner we gave dad an early Christmas gift, something he had mentioned last year. It definitely wasn't something typical, but he laughed out loud as soon as he saw what it was -- a heated toilet seat! He installed and tested it before we left, and it received his seal of approval.
Sunday afternoon, my cousin David and his wife Kelly arrived for a visit. David is the son of my brother, who passed away nearly five years ago. This was the first time either of them had met Jessica in person. Although David still questions my transition, he always uses my current name and pronouns. Kelly seemed a bit uncomfortable, but she was respectful during our brief conversation. I gave David a rare coin his dad had owned for nearly 50 years, which I had bought from him about a year before he passed away.
Susan and I are now straightening up the house a bit and preparing for some visitors. Our daughter Emily and her husband will arrive Saturday, this will be their first visit to see us in Arkansas. On Christmas day, my brother and part of his family will be joining us for dinner. By most standards it will be a small gathering, only eight people, but it will be the largest group we've ever hosted for dinner. Susan and I are really looking forward to it.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
« on: December 26, 2023, 08:43:16 pm »
Our Christmas went very well. In fact, it was the best one we've had in a long time. In addition to Susan and I, we had six other family members. Dinner was great, and everyone enjoyed several hours of conversation while holiday music played in the background. After my dad left, along with my brother and his family, it was time to open gifts. The best one of all was a gift from our younger daughter to her sister. Kimberly spent hours wrapping it, and I think Emily really appreciated the effort. I may be wrong, but I think it's a drum set...
I know this was a much longer post when I originally wrote it, but it was lost in the blip of 2024. All that's left is the 'Cliff Notes' version.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/uZyW2kH.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/tWt4HQh.jpg)
« on: December 28, 2023, 07:28:00 pm »
This day marks seven years since I discovered my truth. I posted about it here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246930.msg2259975.html#msg2259975
The difference between the photos tells quite a story. Starting off as an expressionless person with dead eves, and over a few years changing into someone who is happy (usually) and loves to smile. I still have good days and bad days, but there was a time when I wasn't sure if I was going to have any days. It wasn't easy, and before I began I had to accept that I could lose everyone in my life. I took a leap into the unknown, and it changed my life. As it turned out, I didn't lose anyone important, and I gained a life with the potential to know joy once again.
My thanks to everyone on this site who has offered support through the years.
Love always -- Jess
I know there were a few posts I wasn't able to restore, but since their chronology doesn't matter I'll add them as I remember them.
One of the posts was about hoarding, or 'collecting' as I like to say. It seems I have 'collected' quite an array of flashlights (aka - torches). We probably have a dozen or more in various locations throughout our house, and a few more in our cars. Several months ago, I decided to gather all of the flashlights which had never been used so I could store them in one place. Maybe seeing so many flashlights in one place would discourage me from buying more (that didn't work). For the record, this is most of my 'collection'.
(https://i.imgur.com/yfTrtPo.jpg)
In response to a question about 'flat' batteries, I posted this photo:
Both of these batteries are 'dead', but only one of them is 'flat'
(https://i.imgur.com/vHtbEK4.jpg)
Love always -- Jess
The last few days have been long. I was covering on-call for a co-worker, and a few odd issues came up. We had several batch processes fail Sunday on our Production systems, but luckily they have no impact on customers. Eventually we figured out that another team had implemented some maintenance on two systems, and those were the systems our processes failed on. I ran a test process to collect some additional data for the other team. Their maintenance rollout is now on hold.
Monday night I implemented some maintenance in our Development system to resolve an issue which wasted a lot of CPU time in our Production environment (we always install in Development before moving maintenance into Production). However, the maintenance caused some other (non-critical) processes to fail. I worked with our vendor, and they were able to supply a fix for the fix. I worked all day Tuesday to get things set up, and I rolled the maintenance in Tuesday evening. This time the maintenance worked. Yep, it's boring, but that's my job. I did make a lot of people happy by getting it fixed quickly.
I visited my local electrologist last week. It only takes him a few minutes to clear my face and neck. Most of the hour was spent on my arms and hands. Next appointment will be on 22 Jan.
This weekend, we plan to visit my dad again. There's some winter weather moving in Sunday afternoon, so we plan to head for home after lunch.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Hi Jessica!
Please keep on with your most interesting posts, photos, humor, and encouragement.
Christine
My life isn't really that interesting, Christine, but maybe that's the point? Life does get back to normal.
Susan and I visited my dad over the weekend. Our first stop was at my dad's house to unload our luggage. We always overpack, but I would rather have too many options than too few. While waiting to hear from my sister-in-law about meeting for lunch, I reviewed the photos from the back porch game camera -- raccoons, opossums, and cats. We were able to contact my sister-in-law, so we drove dad down to McAllister's for lunch, where we met my brother and his wife. We talked for an hour or so, but the restaurant was really cold, so we all decided to head for home.
My dad gave me a list of things he needed, so Susan and I went back to town to get some shopping done. The first stop was a large hardware store (Lowe's). Susan raided the garden section for bulbs, while I was trying to find the items my dad wanted:
1 - 20A circuit breaker
2 - Replacement latch for a storm door
3 - New padlocks
4 - Zevo insect trap refills
5 - Three-way electrical plug
6 - Make a copy of his house key
Sometimes I don't pay attention to the list, which is a bad idea. I think my NVRAM (Non-Volatile Random Access Memory) has become WORN (Write-Once Read Never). By not consulting the list as often as I should have, I had to stop at a second hardware store (Home Depot) to complete the shopping list.
We also made stops at Ross and TJ Maxx. Susan always goes the the housewares section, and I always look for clothes. I have a difficult time finding long-sleeved tops that actually have long sleeves. Most of the time the sleeves are about three inches too short. I did find a really nice sweater, along with a long beige dress and some nice leggings. Susan picked up a few kitchen items. We also always check out purses. I used to tease Susan about looking at purses every time we went shopping, but now I understand. It can be difficult to find a purse that meets your exact needs, so it's best to have a spare. They seem to wear out every year or two. Susan found a purse she liked, but I wasn't as lucky. We picked up my dad's favorite meal on the way home -- a McDonald's hamburger, mustard only, no pickle, small fries.
After supper, I installed the new storm door handle. Then we just sat around the dining table talking about what's been going in our lives lately. Probably the biggest news is about my dad. Several years ago, a tree limb hit the side of his head hard enough to damage the bones in one of his ears. He refused surgery because it's 'too close to his brain'. Now he's having problems with his 'good' ear, so he went to an ENT. What he thought was an ear infection may actually be some form of cancer. He says the whole side of his head hurts. He's having a scan on Wednesday, and hopefully we'll have more information then.
Sunday morning, my dad and I went into town to get breakfast, McDonald's 'big breakfast'. None of us eat all of the pancakes, but the raccoons love them. There was a winter storm moving in, so we left before noon. Temperatures were in the upper 20's (-2C), and we soon encountered a light rain which quickly began icing up our windshield. Luckily, the roads were warm enough to prevent ice from forming. By the time we got home, the temperature was 17F (-8C), and it was snowing.
This morning we awoke to a cold house. Although we have 'heat tape' and extra insulation on the condensation lines for our heater, the lines froze overnight. It was 57F (14C) inside our house! We're trying to thaw the lines out now, and I have set up a few electric space heaters to make things more tolerable. The outside temperature is not forecast to get above freezing until Wednesday, so our house may be cold for another day or two. The 'bonus room' above our garage has a separate heater, and it did not freeze, so we do have at least one warm room in the house.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Hope you got the heating sorted, 15C in my living room this morning. Best of +2C outside, sunny.
I suffer from RSMLFTU (random selective memory loss fails to upload) so I have to write lists but then I dont look at them, get home from a food shop and go oh dear (or something like that) I have forgotten X. Looks like the snow has missed us so far and will hit France.
Thanks, Davina!
It's still cold in our house. The room I use as an office is warming up slowly thanks to a small space heater, but it's still only 62F (16.6C). The rest of the house, except the bonus room, is around 58F (14.4C). We usually set the thermostat at 68F (20C) in winter. I moved a TV into the bonus room for Susan, so hopefully that will keep her from getting too grumpy. I may put a space heater in the attic to see if warming the area around the main heater will help thaw it out faster.
Love always -- Jess
Pays to put it on a low setting overnight just to take the chill off.
I hope the scan shows anything that's actually there. I hope the scan shows nothing. If there's cancer, I hope it's well-contained and easy to remove. I hope you all rest easy and keep busy waiting for the scan and its results. I'm glad he's getting it checked.
Yeah, long sleeved tops with actual long sleeves are usually scarce. Sometimes unrolling a cuff can make them long enough. I often bought a size or two too big so the wider shoulders would add to the total sleeve length. Sewing might be the best solution.
Best wishes for your warmth! Much love...
Thanks Davina and Moonflower!
During our last visit with my dad, a friend called him while we were at the dining table. At one point, my dad said 'my daughters drove down to visit me today'. It took a few seconds for that to sink in.
My dad went for a CT scan today, but they never received an order for the scan. The doctor's office was closed due to weather, so no scan today. He's hoping it can be sorted out quickly, and he's set up a new appointment for Friday.
Our heater is still uncooperative, but the temperature is forecast to hit 38F (3C) today, it was only 5F (-15C) this morning. I set up a space heater aimed at the wall in front of the condensation line, I'm hopeful that will help thaw it out. Susan is staying warm in the bonus room, the heater for that zone is working fine. I got a heating pad for my feet, and that has made my office much more comfortable.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 17, 2024, 10:43:47 AMDuring our last visit with my dad, a friend called him while we were at the dining table. At one point, my dad said 'my daughters drove down to visit me today'. It took a few seconds for that to sink in.
Thanks for sharing the glow!
QuoteMy dad went for a CT scan today, but they never received an order for the scan. The doctor's office was closed due to weather, so no scan today.
Grrrrrrrrr!
QuoteHe's hoping it can be sorted out quickly, and he's set up a new appointment for Friday.
<3
After three days without heat in the main part of our house, we called the company who installed our heating system. Of course, about one hour before they arrived the heater started working. I talked to the installer, and he said freeze-ups in frigid weather are common on those units. He suggested removing the access cover and aiming a space heater or heat lamp at the area where the condensation line comes out. Yes, I need a heater for the heater. The only other option he suggested was replacing it with a less efficient unit, apparently those don't freeze. I have a small space heater blowing on it for now, and I'll turn it off once the nighttime temperatures warm up a bit. The technician was really friendly, and he didn't charge anything.
I had an appointment with my primary care doctor today. About two hours before the appointment, her office called to reschedule. The doctor couldn't get to the office due to road conditions. Now I have to wait until next Tuesday.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
That sounds like bad engineering. Perhaps class action level bad engineering. Someone could die from that design flaw.
The gas heater at my old house had a vent that could freeze up, not a problem on newer ones. Waited all week to phone my doc as told she would be in this afternoon, no see will be in next week Mon or Tues GRRRR
I agree that it's either a design defect or an installation issue. The drain lines are wrapped with heat tape and pipe insulation, and the heat tape is working (it's warm). The drain lines are also sloped, I don't see any sections where water can pool in the lines. Based on what the technician said, I suspect the issue is where the drain line exits the heater itself. The unit is in our attic, and it does get quite cold up there. It's possible the heaters are designed to be in a more temperature-controlled environment, where they aren't exposed to sub-freezing temperatures.
The heater heater may be the best, and simplest solution. I plan to get a thermostatically controlled power outlet and a heat lamp. Although the space heater is working, if the fan fails the unit could freeze up again. With no moving parts, a heat lamp may be a better choice.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
My dad had a CT scan Friday, and it was forwarded to his doctor. No diagnosis yet.
There is one more thing I've been wanting to do for a few years, one more procedure which may help rid me of the ghost I occasionally see in the mirror. On Tuesday, I have an appointment with my primary care doctor to get medical clearance. Unless something unexpected pops up, on 7 February I'll be having a hair restoration procedure with Dr. Lam in Plano, TX.
In addition to one of our current members who mentioned him, I found photos of a good friend (I'll call her 'T') in Dr. Lam's 'before and after' gallery. I met with 'T' many times, and I never noticed any hair issues. Her 'before' photos look similar to the hair issues I have, and the 'after' photos look great! Compared to all of the other procedures I've had, this one should be easy.
I had a consultation with Dr. Lam on 10 January. He thinks one session should be enough to correct my hairline, cover the scar from my scalp advance, and increase the hair density on my crown. I expect it will be uncomfortable for a few days, but that's a small price to pay for the chance to put my ghost to rest.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
The CT scan showed a lesion. My dad is now waiting for a needle biopsy to be scheduled.
I visited my local electrologist today. Several people had canceled their scheduled sessions due to weather, so I was able to go earlier and stay a little longer. He only found a few hairs on my face and neck, and no dark ones. Most of the 1.5hr session was spent on my arms and legs.
Tomorrow is my doctor appointment for a clearance letter. I shouldn't be worried about it, but I am anxious. I will feel better once the paperwork is out of the way and my path is clear. I'm really looking forward to the procedure.
The language therapy class starts up again on Wednesday. A whole new class of students, and a few new clients. Most of the clients from the previous session are returning. The first three meetings are student orientation. I'll have to miss the third orientation session, but that is the one they don't really need me for anyway.
Susan and I received an invitation to a baby shower today, for a shower on Saturday! A little more notice would have been nice. It's for a niece we haven't seen in about two years, and she's one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Outside of Susan and our daughters, she is the first family member I came out to. Her mom won't be able to attend, so Susan and I may be the only relatives who can make it. Other than our niece, we probably won't know anyone else there. I guess we'll be doing some shopping soon.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 22, 2024, 07:15:29 PMThe CT scan showed a lesion.
Sending comfort while you wait...
Quote from: Moonflower on January 23, 2024, 04:20:47 PMSending comfort while you wait...
Thanks
@Moonflower ! I know my dad is concerned, but he understands there isn't much anyone can do until the biopsy. He seems to be doing OK for now.
I visited my doctor this afternoon. A thirty-five mile drive (one way) through heavy rain isn't usually my idea of a good day, but it was a good day. I gave my doctor the last two boxes of estradiol patches I had stashed away (I switched to injections), and she smiled. She has several patients who can't afford HRT, so they will be 'free samples' to someone who needs them. She gave me a check-up and took an EKG, then we discussed the procedure I was planning on. She said the EKG looked good and unless something odd turned up in the blood tests, she would send the clearance to Dr. Lam on Wednesday. Only two weeks to go!
It's been raining since Monday, nearly six inches so far. At least it has warmed up to the mid-40's and most of the snow has melted. Now we just have to deal with potholes.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Fingers crossed. My Da's plates frequently showed shadows ultimately called "artifacts." How nerve wracking for you! Keep us posted.
I have been a bit slow catching up on this blog and see you have been busy. I liked the memory acronyms. When I worked for a defence company WORN was mentioned a lot lol.
I hope all goes well with your dad, I have my fingers crossed and send you hugs.
Oh and the flashlights, you can never have too few of them lol
Hugs
Jessica xxx
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 23, 2024, 05:11:44 PMI gave my doctor the last two boxes of estradiol patches I had stashed away (I switched to injections), and she smiled. She has several patients who can't afford HRT, so they will be 'free samples' to someone who needs them.
You are so thoughtful! That's great that she will pass them on.
Quoteshe would send the clearance to Dr. Lam on Wednesday. Only two weeks to go!
Yes!
QuoteIt's been raining since Monday, nearly six inches so far.
Wow!
Thanks D'Amalie, Jessica_K and Moonflower!
My doctor appointment on Tuesday went well. She asked what I was going to have done, and she seemed relieved that it was hair restoration. The test results came back this morning, but I realized she had not ordered a CBC test (Complete Blood Count). I didn't want to spend 90 minutes on the road to visit her office, and then I discovered that LabCorp allows you to order your own blood tests. For $29, I ordered a CBC test and set up an appointment at their local office, which was only about 10 minutes away. Hopefully I'll have the results on Monday.
One of Dr. Lam's nurses called me this morning, and she let me know that my doctor had provided everything they needed, except the CBC test and my medical history. They were going to contact her for my history, and I'll send them the results of the CBC test as soon as it's available. I also paid the remainder of the restoration fee. Unless something unexpected pops up, everything should be set for my procedure.
The speech therapy class went well. We have ten new students, and several clients are returning from last semester. I'm not sure how much help I am, but I do bring snacks for everyone! It's also nice to be in a room full of people who are all supportive of each other.
My dad will be having his biopsy sometime this next week.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I spoke with one of Dr. Lam's nurses on Friday, and she asked about my schedule of estradiol injections. They want me to stop taking it a week before the procedure. Since the procedure is on a Wednesday, and I do my injections Wednesday night, I may not have to skip any. I got the results of my CBC test Saturday morning, and I sent it to Dr. Lam.
Saturday, Susan and I drove up to Conway AR for the baby shower. I think there were 15 women, plus the husband of the mom-to-be. The new mom is my niece (let's call her 'R'). Outside of my wife and daughters, she is the first family member I came out to. She and her husband ('B') are awesome people. They are naming the baby after my mom, and my dad is overjoyed (well, as happy as I have seen him in a really long time).
Susan and I had a great time, and I even won one of the games. They brought a roll of crepe paper around, asking everyone to guess R's waistline. They measured R's waist, and used that strip to find who guessed the closest. Most people guessed 10 - 12 inches too big, but I was exactly right! Susan was only off by an inch or so.
My dad will be having a biopsy Tuesday morning, but it may be a few days before we get the result.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
It required a few emails and phone calls, but Dr. Lam finally has all of the required paperwork. Now I can relax a bit.
I do feel a bit guilty though. It seems quite a few of the steps I've taken have occurred close to Susan's birthday, so events in my life seem to overshadow hers. We will be on the way home from my procedure on Susan's birthday, and it will probably be a week or two before I'll feel comfortable going out to dinner. I guess we'll need to celebrate a little early this year.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I have caught up with your story too, Jessica.
That's very cheap for a blood test. Last private one I had (E and T) cost £50 and I had to get someone to draw it or it was another £49. Luckily I have a nurse in the family and they did it.
Great news about the baby shower and it sounded like a fun party.
Yes do make sure your lovely wife gets some pampering on her birthday even if it's a week early. Hugs to both of you..
Hugs
Xxx
Thanks for dropping by
@Jessica_K ! That fee was for a CBC test (Complete Blood Count), their hormone tests are $69 each. The prices include drawing, that is something I would never try at home!
No word yet on my dad's biopsy.
At our last speech therapy class, our instructor said they were going to try to have a guest speaker for one of our sessions -- Miss Major. She was an active participant at Stonewall, and is still a staunch transgender advocate. She lives in Little Rock. I can't give her the space she deserves in a short post, so do a quick search if you want to learn more.
I knew it would happen eventually. This last Wednesday, I tried a slightly different spot for my weekly estradiol injection. I didn't look closely enough and pierced a vein. I didn't notice it until I pulled the needle out. I had a tissue handy, and I didn't make too much of a mess. I now have a bruise to remind me to be more careful next time.
Susan and I are packing today. Tomorrow morning we will be heading to the Dallas, TX area (Plano) for my hair restoration on Wednesday. I have a pre-op Tuesday, the procedure will be all day Wednesday, and post-up Thursday. We plan to return home on Friday. I bought a large, soft, floppy hat to help hide my hairline for a while, and I have a warm hooded jacket I can also use. I expect I'll be a bit of a hermit for the first 7 - 10 days after the procedure, after that I should be a bit more presentable.
There are two main types of restoration procedures. There are pros and cons to each version, I will have FUT:
FUE: Follicle Unit Extraction. Individual follicle units (usually 1 - 4 hairs) are removed from the donor area using a punch tool, then implanted in the recipient area.
FUT: Follicle Unit Transplantation. Under sedation, a strip of scalp is harvested from the back of your head and the wound is stitched closed. The follicle units are removed from the strip using dissection, then transplanted to the recipient area.
The FUE procedure often requires having your hair cut exceptionally short. With the FUT procedure, only hair in the donor area is trimmed. The transplanted hair often sheds within the first 3-6 weeks, with new hair growth starting 3-4 months after the procedure. Patience is definitely required.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Susan and I arrived safely at our hotel around 2:00pm. After unpacking, we drove to a local mall for a bit of shopping before having supper at Maggiano's Little Italy. Susan had pasta with mushrooms, and I had some lasagna. The food and service were excellent. Once we got back to the car, it began complaining that the battery in my key fob was low, so we stopped by Target to get a fresh battery before heading back to our hotel.
We did hear from my dad today, and it was not good news. His biopsy indicated cancer, he was hoping for 'squamous cell' because that one is treatable. Unfortunately, it was not squamous cell. They are planning to do a PET scan next week which should provide more details.
My pre-op appointment is Tuesday morning. If all goes well, Susan and I will be having supper with Sara tomorrow evening. We're really looking forward to meeting another member of the Susan's Place family!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 05, 2024, 08:39:23 PMSusan and I arrived safely at our hotel around 2:00pm. After unpacking, we drove to a local mall for a bit of shopping before having supper at Maggiano's Little Italy. Susan had pasta with mushrooms, and I had some lasagna. The food and service were excellent. Once we got back to the car, it began complaining that the battery in my key fob was low, so we stopped by Target to get a fresh battery before heading back to our hotel.
We did hear from my dad today, and it was not good news. His biopsy indicated cancer, he was hoping for 'squamous cell' because that one is treatable. Unfortunately, it was not squamous cell. They are planning to do a PET scan next week which should provide more details.
My pre-op appointment is Tuesday morning. If all goes well, Susan and I will be having supper with Sara tomorrow evening. We're really looking forward to meeting another member of the Susan's Place family!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Wishing you the best outcome on both threads!
Sending warm wishes for a healthy recovery for you dad Jessica Rose!
Warm hugs!
Donica
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 05, 2024, 08:39:23 PMWe did hear from my dad today, and it was not good news. His biopsy indicated cancer, he was hoping for 'squamous cell' because that one is treatable. Unfortunately, it was not squamous cell.
I'm really sorry to hear that, Jessica. I'm hoping for the best.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 05, 2024, 08:39:23 PMMy pre-op appointment is Tuesday morning. If all goes well, Susan and I will be having supper with Sara tomorrow evening. We're really looking forward to meeting another member of the Susan's Place family!
I'm looking forward to it! See you soon!
~Sara
Thanks D'Amalie. Donica and TXSara!
I know my dad is very concerned and frightened about his future right now. Susan and I are trying to give him as much support as we can. We plan to visit him again on 17 - 18 Feb.
My pre-op went well. Dr. Lam thinks he can meet my goals with a single procedure, but he said there is a chance I may need a second visit. Apparently I'll get a lunch break while they prepare the donor follicles. I already put my order in for lunch tomorrow, a sandwich from jimmyjohn's. I'm not looking forward to being a hermit for a week or two, but I am looking forward to a more feminine hairline.
Susan and I met with TXSara for supper today! It was awesome finally meeting her in person. We talked for about two hours, and somehow still found time to eat. There's always so much ground to cover when meeting a new old friend. I wish we could have stayed longer, but we were all getting tired, and I have some prep to do for tomorrow. I don't want to spill any secrets, so I'll let Sara fill in the blanks if she wants to.
I need to arrive at Dr. Lam's office at 6:30am. There isn't much traffic at that time of the morning, and the office is less than a mile from our hotel. Surgery is scheduled to start around 7:30am.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 06, 2024, 08:53:24 PMThanks D'Amalie. Donica and TXSara!
I know my dad is very concerned and frightened about his future right now. Susan and I are trying to give him as much support as we can. We plan to visit him again on 17 - 18 Feb.
My pre-op went well. Dr. Lam thinks he can meet my goals with a single procedure, but he said there is a chance I may need a second visit. Apparently I'll get a lunch break while they prepare the donor follicles. I already put my order in for lunch tomorrow, a sandwich from jimmyjohn's. I'm not looking forward to being a hermit for a week or two, but I am looking forward to a more feminine hairline.
Susan and I met with TXSara for supper today! It was awesome finally meeting her in person. We talked for about two hours, and somehow still found time to eat. There's always so much ground to cover when meeting a new old friend. I wish we could have stayed longer, but we were all getting tired, and I have some prep to do for tomorrow. I don't want to spill any secrets, so I'll let Sara fill in the blanks if she wants to.
I need to arrive at Dr. Lam's office at 6:30am. There isn't much traffic at that time of the morning, and the office is less than a mile from our hotel. Surgery is scheduled to start around 7:30am.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jess,
I hope all goes well for you tomorrow, and for your father.
Christine
Thanks Christine.
I didn't sleep well last night, there were too many noises. I got out of bed around 4:00am, showered with Hibiclens and washed my hair with it both last night and this morning. After the nurses let me in, Susan went back to the hotel. It took a few tries to get the IV inserted, but after that I was fast asleep. Later, the nurses told me that I was giving them encouragement while I was asleep, telling them that I was fine and they were doing great. I woke up around 12:30pm for lunch, and I was quite hungry, no nausea at all.
After lunch I received a few more pills, and soon I was asleep once again. I woke up occasionally to ask how things were going, and the response was always 'everything is going great'. They finished up around 6:00pm and gave me another set of aftercare instructions. Next we visited the local Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions -- Tramadol and MethylPerdnisolone, then we went back to the hotel.
So far all is well, still no nausea. Just some slight discomfort on the back of my head. I'm really glad I bought that hoodie, my scalp looks quite scary right now (a little like Jadzia Dax from Deep Space 9). If all the bloody spots turn into hair, then I will be really happy. I'll post some photos when I get home on Friday (maybe Saturday).
Love Always -- Jessica Rose
You are so very brave dear sister. Wishing you a quick recovery and successful outcome xxx
Hugs
Jessic
Jess,
I hope you get the desired results, recover quickly, get home safe, and that you can provide comfort for your father.
Hugs,
Christine
Congrats on your hair transplants. I wish for a quick recovery and a great outcome.
Hugs Gina
Thanks Jessica_K, Christine, and Gina!
I slept reasonably well last night. The few times I woke up, I sprayed some the the 'ATP' solution I was given for the transplants. I was told to use it every hour until it's gone, but not to set an alarm every hour at night. I figured since I was already awake, I should use it. The solution is supposed to help strengthen the follicles as they settle in to their new homes.
So far there is very little discomfort, just a mild 'pinching' sensation on the back of my head where the donor strip was removed. The nurses, doctor, and staff have all been awesome! They kept me in warm blankets during the procedure and brought me some lunch once I awoke from sedation. Unless something changes, this has been the least uncomfortable of all the procedures I have had.
Love always -- Jessica Rose.
Wow, Jessica, I had no idea! We're hair transplant sisters. I'm sorry that I was unaware. I kept up with your blog pre-crash, but I've done a lousy job of following everyone's stories since the crash.
Anyway, congratulations on getting this done! And by all accounts, Dr. Lam is top-notch. In addition to Sara's excellent results, there are no shortage of endorsements of his work. You were in good hands.
Looking forward to comparing notes as we move through this!
While I'm posting, does anyone know how to bookmark a thread? I can't figure it out.
I'll try to answer the last question first - how to bookmark a thread. It certainly doesn't work like it used to. The best option I see is to select the dropdown menu by your username, then select 'Notifications'. In the section labelled 'Moderation', there is an option to receive an alert or an email 'When a post report I've replied to receives another reply'. I know our admin folks are still trying to improve functionality, hopefully the 'bookmark' function will return soon.
Yes Courtney, we are now level two trans-sisters. I had been wanting to get this done for a few years, but I had other bills I needed to catch up on first. Getting a nice bonus from work helped quite a bit. It certainly isn't an inexpensive process, but it I'm hopeful it will have a major impact on how I see myself. In addition to Sara, another friend of mine had gone to Dr. Lam for her work, and those were all the references I needed to select him.
I get to gently wash my hair tonight, and I can even use shampoo! The water pressure here is really high, so the nurses suggested that I just pour glasses of water over my head, I'm definitely not going to take any shortcuts.
I hope your experience has been good so far. I think this procedure has the longest wait time of all!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Funny, but there's an option to view bookmarks (I think under my profile) but no way to create them. Probably an option in an admin panel somewhere.
I endured 10 days of:
Spraying my scalp with saline every hour
Putting antibiotic ointment on my donor area (back of my head) every morning
Washing my scalp (hair was buzzed very short) with Johnson's Baby Shampoo after day 3, but pouring water onto my head instead of getting under the shower head
Sleeping on my back every night, using a travel pillow to prevent damage to the transplants
Not wearing anything that pulled over my head
No hats
A pain, but it will all be worth it if/when I have a full head of hair!
"Transplants" - an appropriate term
I think to bookmark you can click the heart symbol in the rectangle on the lower right of the existing message in the thread you wish to bookmark. You will then see another screen.
Give it a try to see if that gives you the result you desire.
Chrissy
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on February 08, 2024, 08:11:09 PMI think to bookmark you can click the heart symbol in the rectangle on the lower right of the existing message in the thread you wish to bookmark. You will then see another screen.
Give it a try to see if that gives you the result you desire.
Chrissy
Oh, I see that! Looks like it bookmarks posts, rather than threads. Makes sense, but it's not what I need. I want to be able to mark topics I'm following, and view them, even if they haven't been updated since my last visit. That way, if I miss checking out a topic when I log in, I can't catch up during a subsequent visit.
Thanks for the tip, though!
Quote from: Courtney G on February 08, 2024, 08:28:39 PMOh, I see that! Looks like it bookmarks posts, rather than threads. Makes sense, but it's not what I need. I want to be able to mark topics I'm following, and view them, even if they haven't been updated since my last visit. That way, if I miss checking out a topic when I log in, I can't catch up during a subsequent visit.
Thanks for the tip, though!
It will take you to the message you bookmarked, and then you can navigate to the place in that thread you want to see. So it can save some time.
Chrissy
Thanks Chrissy! I forgot about the 'green heart' icon.
I may post some photos later today, but my scalp is still in the 'purple' phase. It does look a lot nicer after rinsing it off last night. Other than the folks here on Susan's, only three people know what I did this week. Susan, me, and my manager! My manager has been great with everything I have gone through, and keeping him in the loop helps make everything go smoothly. Susan and I plan to head home after rush hour this morning. I'm hoping my scalp will look somewhat normal when we visit relatives next weekend.
Recovery has only been slightly uncomfortable. Mainly just a little pinching or pulling from the donor area. I've taken a few Tylenol to head off any discomfort, but I have not taken any of the Tramadol. Dr. Lam wants me back in about 6 months for a check-up, so hopefully we'll get another chance to meet up with Sara.
I'm trying to remain skeptical about how much of a different the hair transplant will make. My hairline was the last 'big' thing that bothered me, a constant reminder of who I used to be. I'm not expecting a miracle, but part of me thinks it will be.
It's really difficult to be patient when such a dramatic change for both of us is just around the corner.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jess,
Consider waiting a day more for photos so you will heal more. Why rush them?
I am glad your recovery is going well. Have a nice a Friday, and a safe drive home.
Christine
@Courtney G @ChrissyRyan @Jessica_Rose Check out my January 11, 2024 Announcement posting below: "Bookmarking" favorite viewed postings"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246981.0.html HUGS, Danielle
But you only get shingles if you have had chicken pox , I got sent to play with the girl over the road that had chicken pox and never caught it so dont need the jab
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 05, 2024, 08:39:23 PMSusan and I arrived safely at our hotel.
😊
QuoteWe did hear from my dad today, and it was not good news. His biopsy indicated cancer, he was hoping for 'squamous cell' because that one is treatable. Unfortunately, it was not squamous cell. They are planning to do a PET scan next week which should provide more details.
Hugs hugs hugs
Strength
Hope
QuoteMy pre-op appointment is Tuesday morning. If all goes well, Susan and I will be having supper with Sara tomorrow evening. We're really looking forward to meeting another member of the Susan's Place family!
🥳🎉
Susan and I got home around 2:00pm today. After unloading the car, I baked Susan a cake (yellow cake with chocolate frosting) -- today is her birthday! I also cooked supper, our favorite comfort food -- macaroni and cheese from scratch. We still need to unpack the suitcases and put things back in their proper place, but it's nice to be home.
My forehead is beginning to change colors, it's now that weird blue-green hue. It's just mild trauma from the hair restoration, but it certainly looks odd. The water pressure at our hotel felt like a pressure washer, so I wasn't able to rinse my hair very well last night. Now that we're home, I should be able to rinse it more thoroughly. It will still be a few days before I can actually wash it.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Happy Birthday Susan!
(https://i.imgur.com/WmJ8lA4.jpg)
I've posted a more complete account of my hair restoration procedure along with photos here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247292.msg2263389.html#msg2263389
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Monday will be my annual performance review. My manager already sent me a copy. Although the text changes every year, the bottom line is always 'you're doing a great job for us.' A promotion would be nice, but my expertise is in a narrow band now, and I'm close enough to retirement not to care if I ever get promoted. Don't get me wrong, they are a great company to work for, but I'm tired of doing the same thing for nearly 40 years.
After my performance review, I have an electrolysis appointment. I'm not sure if I'll wear a hat or my hoodie, but my scalp and forehead are still quite colorful, so a cover of some sort is a necessity. Bryan will be the first friend to see me since the procedure. I expect he'll be nice about it, and he'll probably have a few questions.
I can return to my normal hair washing routine on Thursday. I just need to be careful not to snag the sutures on the back of my head. It will also be an important day for my dad, he will be having a PET scan. It's supposed to show how far the cancer has spread. Whatever the results, we plan to visit him this weekend.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
OK. I don't know if someone at work read my last post, but my performance evaluation included some unexpected news. Although my job title didn't change, my 'role' was bumped to a higher pay band. The net effect was an 8.5% raise along with a substantial increase in annual bonus potential. This was totally unexpected. I'm definitely more motivated to hang around a while longer now!
I wore my hoodie to my electrolysis appointment, and it didn't draw any extra attention. Bryan was a bit surprised with my hair restoration, and he wished me a smooth recovery. He only needed about 5 minutes on my face and neck, most of the session was sent on my arms and hands. I stopped at Walmart on the way home to pick up a few groceries, some snacks for 'my' kids (the speech therapy class), and some flowers for Susan. I pick up fresh flowers for Susan at least once a week. She really likes them, and after putting up with me all of these years, she has earned them.
Love always - Jessica Rose
Great news on the raise, Jessica! New hair, soon. Some days are just so good, enjoy.
Hugs Gina
Jess,
I am very pleased with all the good news coming from your employer and your expanded compensation. Keeping valuable employees makes sense for employers.
It is ironic that we zap some of our hair but sometimes we want more of it! It just has to be in the right place!
Have a great day and I can see your nice big smile.
Chrissy
Congrats! It's so nice to be appreciated and not replaced by two 2 25 year olds.
Thanks Gina, Christine, and D"Amalie!
I probably don't have to worry about being replaced by two 25's, very few places teach mainframe stuff! I'm at a loss with networks and distributed processing, but give me an IBM mainframe and a green screen and I feel right at home.
I wasn't planning to post about my 'new hair' today, but I took a selfie last night and started laughing. With all the surgeries I've been through, I don't remember ever having this much green -- all the way down to my jaw! Despite how it looks, there is no discomfort. I told Susan all that green must be from my Romulan DNA. Hopefully it's better by the weekend, because we plan to visit my dad. He would probably view it as a waste of money, while I see it as an investment in myself. I'll be able to wash it properly on Thursday, so I may be able to style it to hide some of the discoloration. Makeup may also be an option.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/pX0eOw9.jpg)
Good job I cant afford to do mine, I would look like a Klingon! That should fade soon, at least you say its painless.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 13, 2024, 01:48:16 PMHe would probably view it as a waste of money, while I see it as an investment in myself.
1000%, Jessica. It's an amazing investment in yourself, worth every penny!! You deserve this.
Quote from: Courtney G on February 14, 2024, 03:21:10 PM1000%, Jessica. It's an amazing investment in yourself, worth every penny!! You deserve this.
Thanks, Davina and Courtney!
I finally washed my hair thoroughly yesterday. I was trying to be exceptionally gentle, I was afraid I would wash away all of my new hair! It does look a lot better now. I'm hoping another good washing today will make me more presentable. I still have a lot of bruising, but I think some make-up will take care of it. I've been fighting a headache for nearly two days. I'm not sure if it's a headache, or if it's related to the hair restoration. I may take some of the Tramadol they prescribed, I haven't tried any of it yet.
Today is my sixth anniversary of going full-time. I usually craft a long note for special occasions, but I've simply had too many other things on my mind lately. I did send a note to a few of my co-workers, the ones who have been with me since the 'beginning', thanking them for their support. Thinking about what to say brought back so many emotions, I started to cry.
My dad had his PET scan yesterday, but he doesn't expect to know the results until next Monday or Tuesday. He told Susan and I to be prepared to leave there with some plants after our visit. On the surface that sounds innocuous, but it could have a deeper meaning.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 16, 2024, 06:57:38 AMThanks, Davina and Courtney!
I finally washed my hair thoroughly yesterday. I was trying to be exceptionally gentle, I was afraid I would wash away all of my new hair! It does look a lot better now. I'm hoping another good washing today will make me more presentable. I still have a lot of bruising, but I think some make-up will take care of it. I've been fighting a headache for nearly two days. I'm not sure if it's a headache, or if it's related to the hair restoration. I may take some of the Tramadol they prescribed, I haven't tried any of it yet.
Today is my sixth anniversary of going full-time. I usually craft a long note for special occasions, but I've simply had too many other things on my mind lately. I did send a note to a few of my co-workers, the ones who have been with me since the 'beginning', thanking them for their support. Thinking about what to say brought back so many emotions, I started to cry.
My dad had his PET scan yesterday, but he doesn't expect to know the results until next Monday or Tuesday. He told Susan and I to be prepared to leave there with some plants after our visit. On the surface that sounds innocuous, but it could have a deeper meaning.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jess,
I am wishing your dad good results.
Congratulations on your six year anniversary.
I am sure that your face and hair will look more natural and you will enjoy beautiful, fuller looking hair over time. Not that long from now too.
Chrissy
Thanks Chrissy!
Susan and I are visiting my dad this weekend. We brought some of Susan's birthday cake to share, along with a Jim Croce CD for my dad. So far the only 'repair' he requested was for me to set the clock in his Camry. It was a quick fix, someone had turned off the 'automatic set' feature.
We went into town for a little shopping. One of our stops was Ross. Susan went back to look at housewares, and I was checking out the clothes. While looking through the leggings, a lady came up and started taking with me...
Lady: I bet you have a hard time finding long pants.
Me: Yes, it's hard to find ankle-length leggings, and capri leggings barely get past my knees. Long sleeves are also hard to find.
Lady: How tall are you?
Me: I'm 6"1'
Lady: Wow. Did you play basketball?
Me: No, those were different times...
(apparently she noticed my wedding ring)
Lady: Did you have a hard time finding a tall man?
Me: (after a brief hesitation) That's a long story!
The lady laughed, then said 'well, you're gorgeous.' I thanked her (while smiling), and let her know that she made my day.
Exchanges like these still catch me off-guard, but I think I handled it well and didn't 'out' myself like I usually do. This is also an example of not seeing myself the way others see me. While I still see the ghost of the person I used to be, she saw a 'gorgeous' woman. I'm still waiting for the day when I see the person other people see.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Wow, that's really inspiring.
Yes when I get referred as "this lady" it still catches my brain out sometimes, the glow after makes up for it though.
We are our worst critics, you are gorgeous and so easily pass. There are many tall ladies about but you rock girl...
Hugs
Jessica xxxx
Thanks Courtney, Davina, and Jessica!
Being tall makes it difficult to blend in. Whether cis or trans, people who are taller than average tend to attract extra attention. Wearing clothing which tends to 'blend in' can help, but sometimes wearing bright colors can also cause a distraction, kind of like 'dazzle camouflage'.
On Saturday we took our dad to lunch at McAllister's, where we met my brother and his family. I was wearing my hoodie, and no one asked about it. On Sunday, I wore one of my normal jackets (no hood) and no makeup. A few bobby pins helped me hide most of my hairline. Although I could easily see the bruising while looking in a mirror, my dad never said anything. He may have just assumed it was a shadow. I took one of our cars in for service this morning, no hood and no makeup. No one seemed to notice anything. I still have a lot of bruising near my temples, but apparently not enough to draw attention.
I heard from Kris a few days ago, She said she was available for the next three weekends. The weather forecast looks good, so I'll be heading back to Colorado Springs on Thursday for another long electrolysis session.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/X4oOHLW.jpg)
Shine on!
@Jessica_Rose
Dear Jessica:
Thank you for posting your update....
You look terrific in the photo that you just posted... Your smile is
the first thing anyone will notice about you... and a happy face and
big smile can disarm most anyone.
Your comment regarding 'dazzle camouflage' made me think about it... yes,
that is no secret to our military... as an example, the Army discovered that
at certain times of the day and depending on clouds, sun, terrain.... that a distant
Tank or other military vehicles could be effectively camouflaged with bright or
diffused lighting. The Air Force also experimented with the principle of
"diffused lighting camouflage" as the principle could also apply to aircraft.
In late World War 2,just before Radar became a more reliable way to detect
approaching aircraft it was actually used with American and British aircraft.
The Navy, for many years has used various forms of "dazzel camuflage" on it's ships.
WOW... you are back on the road again, this time for a longer trip to Colorado
to see your Electrologist. Again, I am wishing you safe travels.
Thank you for sharing and posting your beautiful picture. :)
HUGS, Danielle
Thanks Moonflower and Danielle!
I had a dental appointment today, just a cleaning. No one at the office seemed to notice the bruising, or at least no one mentioned it. I know it's just another example of being self-conscious about a 'flaw' that the vast majority of people would never notice.
We heard a little good news about my dad. The PET scan indicated the cancer is localized, apparently a saliva gland and a few lymph nodes are involved. Over the next week or so, my dad will be evaluated for surgery. Once the surgery is scheduled, we expect a 3 - 5 day hospital stay.
My trip to Colorado Springs will be a quick one, no side trips or dinners with friends. The only exception will be if Kris or Rayna wants to join me somewhere. The other friend I usually see is out of town, her brother recently passed away.
Love always -- Jess
Jessica, I hope all goes well in regards to any surgery to remove the cancer. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 21, 2024, 03:15:46 PMWe heard a little good news about my dad. The PET scan indicated the cancer is localized, apparently a saliva gland and a few lymph nodes are involved. Over the next week or so, my dad will be evaluated for surgery. Once the surgery is scheduled, we expect a 3 - 5 day hospital stay.
😊🫂🎉🙏🏻
Such excellent news!
Hi Jessica,
Good luck with your father's surgery.
I wear a lot of bright pink clothing.
I wear a pink wide brimmed Tilley bucket hat to keep the sun off my face.
Marion
Thanks
@Mariah ,
@Moonflower and
@Maid Marion !
My dad was quite relieved with the news. Although he does not like the idea of surgery, it's better than the alternative.
I'll be getting on the road within the next hour or so. I plan to spend the night in Amarillo TX, and I should arrive in Colorado Springs early Friday afternoon. I'm not sure when I'll be leaving on Saturday, it depends on how much time I need with Kris. I'll spend Saturday night in Clayton NM, and I'll be home late Sunday afternoon.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 22, 2024, 09:30:45 AMMy dad was quite relieved with the news. Although he does not like the idea of surgery, it's better than the alternative.
One of my kids is getting a biopsy soon. As I told her,
- Like her doctors said, it's probably nothing
- If they find anything, it's great that she took care of it so soon so it will likely be easy to treat
- If they find something horrendous, she is surrounded by people who love her dearly and will carry her through it
Love to you, your father, and Susan
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 21, 2024, 03:15:46 PMThanks Moonflower and Danielle!
I had a dental appointment today, just a cleaning. No one at the office seemed to notice the bruising, or at least no one mentioned it. I know it's just another example of being self-conscious about a 'flaw' that the vast majority of people would never notice.
We heard a little good news about my dad. The PET scan indicated the cancer is localized, apparently a saliva gland and a few lymph nodes are involved. Over the next week or so, my dad will be evaluated for surgery. Once the surgery is scheduled, we expect a 3 - 5 day hospital stay.
My trip to Colorado Springs will be a quick one, no side trips or dinners with friends. The only exception will be if Kris or Rayna wants to join me somewhere. The other friend I usually see is out of town, her brother recently passed away.
Love always -- Jess
Jess,
That does not sound too bad for your dad, although no cancer sounds good.
I wish him the best results of surgery and a good recovery.
Keep up your strength and good spirits. I know you are a good daughter for your dad.
Hugs,
Christine
Well, the first day of my trip was a bit more exciting than usual.
I was westbound on I-40 about 90 miles east of Amarillo, in the left hand lane behind a semi, passing another semi in the right lane. Speed limit was 75, and we were going somewhere between 70 an 75 mph. The sun was setting directly in front of us. The semi in front of me veered onto the inside shoulder, came back up onto the road, then went further into the median and rolled onto the driver side as I passed! It was a bit surreal.
I pulled off the road, along with the semi we had been passing. I called 911 and reported the accident, and let them know no other vehicles were involved and there was no smoke or fire. No one else stopped.
A police car arrived with 2-3 minutes, and the officer climbed onto the truck to check on the driver. He said his ribs hurt, but otherwise he was OK. I told the officer I had witnessed the accident and had reported it. The officer thanked me, and asked me to wait in my car so I could provide a statement. I noticed the semi which had stopped had already left the scene.
While waiting in my car (with the emergency flashers on), several other emergency vehicles arrived. Although the right lane was open, some vehicles moved all the way over to the emergency lane -- where I was parked. One semi came within inches of ramming my car from the rear! I was really close to having a bad day.
A few minutes later, the officer I spoke to earlier came over for my statement, and he asked for my phone number. He mentioned the truck driver said the sun was in his eyes and he couldn't see the road, and I expect that is exactly what happened.
I'm safe at my hotel.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Glad your safe dear, that could have been a close call.
Oooo, that's eventful. But so pleased you were not directly involved. The sun at this time of year can be very dangerous for road users.
Also so pleased that the outcome for your dad is good and hope his surgery goes well
Hugs as always
Jessica xxx
Wow that was a close call. So glad you are safe.
I witnessed one a few hundred yards ahead, 2 days ago, car swerves, goes sideways and slams into the center guard rail, spins around with pieces flying off and came to rest in the high speed lane. Felt like it was in slow motion. Same thing no one stopped. I called it in and checked on the driver who was unhurt.
Gina
Today wasn't nearly as exciting as yesterday, which is fine with me!
When leaving Amarillo, I take a back road out of town. It seems as though it's always dark when I'm on it, either early morning or late in the evening. The road has been under construction forever, poor to non-exist road markings, barrels, cones, no shoulders, you get the idea. Today? A miracle occurred. The construction is done, no barrels or cones, great road markings, nice shoulders, even passing lanes! Now it's my favorite little back road.
The weather was great, and there was very little traffic. When I got into town I went straight up HWY24 to Cascade so I could get some Colorado wine. Our daughter loves their plum wine, and I also bought raspberry, blueberry, peach, and orange Moscato. After I got back to Colorado Springs, I stopped at Subway for a late lunch, checked into my hotel, then went to see Kris.
I gave Kris some pieces of quartz from the field behind our house, she decorates her deck with them. I also gave her a bag of apple chips Susan made. Kris worked on my face for an hour or so, and she didn't notice the hair restoration! It actually made me feel good that it wasn't noticeable.
We talked about the procedure for a while, then Kris went back to work. After two more hours, Kris was getting hungry. We decided it was enough electrolysis for the day, so we went out for dinner. We plan to meet around 10:00am Saturday to finish up.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I met Kris a little after 10:00am on Saturday. We broke for lunch around 1:30pm and decided to try the lunch menu at the same restaurant where we had dinner - the Aspen American Grill. Kris had a steak burger without the bun, and I had a club sandwich with fries. We were both stuffed when we left! We got back to work around 3:15pm, and Kris worked on my arms and hands for the next 1.5 hours. Once she was finished, we reviewed her schedule to set up my next visit -- it looks like it will be mid-May.
I left Colorado Springs around 5:00pm, and arrived in Clayton NM at 8:30pm. It was a nice drive, but I was really tired. I left at 6:30 the next morning, and got home at 6:30pm. The worst part of the trip was about 30 minutes from home, someone else had a bad day (traffic accident) and traffic was blocked for about 20 minutes.
Susan and I will be in Plano TX on Friday. Dr. Lam will be removing the sutures and making sure all is well. I don't want to fight the traffic around Dallas on a Friday evening, so we will spend the night in Plano. We plan to visit my dad over the weekend, and head home Sunday afternoon.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
We arrived in Plano TX around 1:00pm. Since we had a little time to kill, we visited a Macy's near Dr. Lam's office. I found a few long-sleeve tops on clearance which actually had long enough sleeves for me!
We arrived at Dr. Lam's office around 2:00pm. It only took a few minutes for check-in, then I was escorted back to a treatment room for suture removal. After about 10 minutes, they were done. As hoped, my nightly headaches are gone. It's also nice to wash and dry my hair without worrying about snagging a suture.
We left Plano Saturday morning and drove to my dad's house. We stopped at a McAllister's and picked up lunch to share at his house. After lunch, Susan and I went back into town to pick up a few things my dad needed. Sunday morning, dad drove to McDonald's to get breakfast for everyone. Several hours later, I drove Susan and my dad to the cemetery to visit the graves of my mom and brother. On the way home, we bought some sandwiches from Arby's for lunch. Susan and I got home around 6:00pm on Sunday.
My dad seems to be doing well, but the swelling near his right ear is really uncomfortable for him. The tumor is in his parotid gland. If he gets approval from the cardiologist, surgery will be on 12 March.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
My thoughts and prayers are going out to your dad and family.
Hugs
Lori
Thanks, Lori!
Something I forgot to mention. While we were visiting my dad, we stopped by Target to look around. When we passed the Easter candy aisle, I decided to get something for my dad. He was quite surprised when we gave him a dark chocolate Easter bunny! He asked why we got it for him, and I said we knew it had been a long time since someone had bought one for him. He smiled.
We got a little more information about his tumor. Apparently it's now Stage III, and they may need to sever a facial nerve to remove the tumor and surrounding tissue. This is much more invasive than we originally expected, and I know my dad will be a very impatient patient. He does not like hospitals or the thought of surgery.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I think I know what has me feeling 'down' lately. Nearly two years ago, I began having episodes when it felt like someone was choking me. Although the issue isn't as severe now as it was then, it has not gone away. I finally understood the cause when I saw this article:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247459.msg2264651.html#msg2264651
Which include these statements:
I suffered from a condition called globus throughout junior high and high school—where you feel like you literally have a globe stuck in your throat when you swallow. Doctors wrote it off as "stress" from school. But I knew what was causing this pain in my body: Stigma and the terror of being a target because I was different.
The problem is a result of the stress and anxiety I feel living in a deep red state. Although I have not had any negative experiences here, that doesn't mean I'm not affected. I even noticed that my voice sounds better whenever I visit my friends back in Colorado. I'm going to try staying here, but if the situation gets worse, we may be moving to a more accepting (safe) state.
Switching topics, I plan to stay at my dad's house while he is recovering from surgery. We expect him to be in the hospital for a week or so, and he doesn't like the idea of the house being empty for so long. Although my dad doesn't have internet service, I'll should be able to work by using my cell as a hot spot. I also plan to do a few home repairs while I'm there.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:You are doing your dad a great service... being a loving daughter
taking care of him in various ways in his time of need.
Regarding your statement about your personal stress.... Stress negatively
can affect us mentally and physically. For me, my chronic migraine headaches
are triggered by stress as I can have a lot of stress at work this time of
year handling the flood of IRS tax preparation tasks for my clients.
Please take care of yourself so that you can give your dad your best in
his uncertain times of medical issues. A Hug for You and a Hug for your Dad. (https://i.imgur.com/kFTwOf1.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/kFTwOf1.jpg)
My best wishes, positive thoughts, my prayers for you and your Dad.
Warmly,
Danielle
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 04, 2024, 12:26:03 PMIf he gets approval from the cardiologist, surgery will be on 12 March.
Is it happening? How frightening. AND what a relief it could be to know that it's gone, and then to know how much further work must be done.
Sending heaps of love, comfort, rest, strength, and care.
Quote from: Moonflower on March 10, 2024, 05:33:42 PMIs it happening? How frightening. AND what a relief it could be to know that it's gone, and then to know how much further work must be done.
Sending heaps of love, comfort, rest, strength, and care.
Yes, it's happening. The surgery will be on 12 March, and they expect he will be in the hospital for a week or so. After a few weeks of recovery at home, radiation treatments are likely.
My dad's house uses a well, and the water has a heavy smell of sulfur. I'll be taking a few gallons of bottled water with me, but showers will either be at my brother's house or a hotel. I realize this is petty compared to what my dad will be going through, but it's a period of time neither of us are looking forward to.
Thanks for your thoughts, Moonflower.
Love always -- Jess
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 10, 2024, 07:43:42 PMYes, it's happening. The surgery will be on 12 March
Tomorrow! Peace be with you.
Quoteand they expect he will be in the hospital for a week or so. After a few weeks of recovery at home, radiation treatments are likely.
May he be comfortable the whole time.
QuoteMy dad's house uses a well, and the water has a heavy smell of sulfur. I'll be taking a few gallons of bottled water with me, but showers will either be at my brother's house or a hotel. I realize this is petty compared to what my dad will be going through, but it's a period of time neither of us are looking forward to.
Your comfort and stress aren't petty. You must take care of both so you can be effective at work and for your family.
Love to you all
My dad is out of surgery, the procedure took about six hours. I don't know many details yet, but they did need to sever his facial nerve. Apparently, that has quite a few side effects. One is that his right eyelid may not close all the way, so they implant a small gold weight into the eyelid to help it close more tightly.
While my dad was in surgery, I drove his car to Advance Auto to get a new battery. He was having trouble lately with a weak battery, so I decided to get a new one for him. One the way back to his house, I stopped off at Walmart to get some groceries. As I loaded them into the car, I discovered a carton of eggs in the back seat. Who knows how long they had been there. I dropped them into a nearby garbage can.
It sounds like my dad may have some additional health issues, and the pathology report on his tumor was 'not optimistic'. I plan to see my sister-in-law tomorrow, and hopefully she can provide more information.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
As always, thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
Hugs!
Jess,
I just prayed for you and your dad.
Best to you both,
Christine
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 12, 2024, 05:58:50 PMMy dad is out of surgery, the procedure took about six hours.
What an ordeal for all of you! Congratulations on the progress through this.
Quotethey implant a small gold weight into the eyelid to help it close more tightly.
Wow. I hope it's comfortable for him.
QuoteHe was having trouble lately with a weak battery, so I decided to get a new one for him.
Nice!
QuoteIt sounds like my dad may have some additional health issues, and the pathology report on his tumor was 'not optimistic'.
I hope you can notice a sparkling thread here and there that leads to a silver lining. Such a potentially dark, exhausting time!
Hugs, encouragement, focus, hope, choices, resilience to you all
Whole house water filter:
https://www.aquasana.com/whole-house-water-filters/
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:I am touched by your care and attention that you are providing for your Father in his
time of medical and old age needs.
Please keep your updates coming and know that there are members here that are praying
not only for your Father but also for you as the caregiver.
HUGS and lots more HUGS.... and prayers and warm wishes.
DanielleQuote from: Jessica_Rose on March 12, 2024, 05:58:50 PMMy dad is out of surgery, the procedure took about six hours. I don't know many details yet, but they did need to sever his facial nerve. Apparently, that has quite a few side effects. One is that his right eyelid may not close all the way, so they implant a small gold weight into the eyelid to help it close more tightly.
While my dad was in surgery, I drove his car to Advance Auto to get a new battery. He was having trouble lately with a weak battery, so I decided to get a new one for him. One the way back to his house, I stopped off at Walmart to get some groceries. As I loaded them into the car, I discovered a carton of eggs in the back seat. Who knows how long they had been there. I dropped them into a nearby garbage can.
It sounds like my dad may have some additional health issues, and the pathology report on his tumor was 'not optimistic'. I plan to see my sister-in-law tomorrow, and hopefully she can provide more information.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jessica, It can be so tough, and sometimes stressful, helping elderly parents. Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job and your dad must be so happy to have you to help. I hope he is well and all works out.
Big Hug Gina
I want to thank everyone for their comments, they are all appreciated.
I wasn't able to visit my sister-in-law yesterday, but I should be able to see her this afternoon. There haven't been any updates, which can also be considered 'good news'.
Susan told me that our daughter in Wisconsin was involved in a motorcycle accident. A young driver ran into her in a parking lot. Our daughter is OK, but her Honda PCX was totaled. She was wearing a vest with air bags, and they were triggered by the accident. All of her riding gear was damaged as well, so she plans to buy even better riding gear now! She wasn't too upset about her bike. She has another (newer, bigger) one, and was planning to sell the PCX soon.
Yesterday, I fixed my dad's mailbox. He put some steel plating around it several years ago after a few rounds of vandalism. Although the steel housing was firmly attached to the post, the mailbox was simply sitting loose inside the housing. I added some three-inch screws to lock it down.
Last night, I replaced a florescent light fixture in one of my dad's bathrooms. It hasn't worked for decades, and it doesn't appear to have been installed correctly (no junction box). It took much longer than expected, but the new LED strip light works great. There is another florescent fixture in the same bathroom which doesn't work, and I hope to replace that one within the next few days.
Love always -- Jess
All that must be so worrying for you dear friend. I too will say a prayer for you both. Stay strong and positive.
Love and hugs to you both too.
Jessica
Xxxx
Thanks, Jessica_K !!!
On Thursday, I accepted my sister-in-law's offer to take a shower at their house. That was really nice. All my brother wanted to talk about was Zener diodes and exceptionally accurate test equipment. Eventually my SIL rescued me, and I took her out to dinner at Olive Garden. SIL had not eaten at Olive Garden in years, because my brother doesn't like pasta.
We had a good conversation over dinner. Although my dad may be released from the hospital soon, he won't be able to stay by himself for a while. It may take him several weeks to recover from the 'brain fog' anesthesia can cause. We definitely don't want him to drive until he fully recovers. The doctors are concerned about his long-term prognosis. They did get most or all of the tumor, but they suspect the cancer has already spread. I plan to visit him today, and hopefully learn a bit more.
Over the last few days, I did some additional chores. My dad had mentioned moving the firewood from the porch back to the woodshed, so that's done. I also replaced the other balky florescent light fixture in the bathroom. Although it went much quicker than the first one, I cursed the sadist who mounted the fixture using three-inch long flathead screws in a deeply recessed overhead enclosure. For the first time in decades, both lights above the bathroom sink work. I also cleaned the outside of the refrigerator. I was surprised to discover it is white.
Depending on what I learn today, I may make a quick trip home within the next day or two. I could use some fresh clothes, and there's probably a few things I need to take care of at our house, like Susan.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 16, 2024, 07:42:52 AMThe doctors are concerned about his long-term prognosis.
😔🙏🏻💖🫂
May you continue to vividly visualize best-case scenarios and possibilities!
QuoteMy dad had mentioned moving the firewood from the porch back to the woodshed, so that's done. I also replaced the other balky florescent light fixture in the bathroom.
I hope my kids will grow up to be just like you. So far, we've been independent, but some day...
Quote from: Moonflower on March 16, 2024, 07:55:08 AM😔🙏🏻💖🫂
I hope my kids will grow up to be just like you. So far, we've been independent, but some day...
Thanks for the compliment, Moonflower. I'm not sure I have earned it, but I try to be helpful. However, I don't wish size 13 feet on anyone.
I am home right now, but only for a little while. My sister-in-law ('K') brought my dad home from the hospital Saturday afternoon, and she volunteered to stay with him Saturday night so I could go home for a little while. My dad was very weak and unstable. He could barely walk, and he refuses assistance. They sent him home with a catheter.
The text messages began at 4:40am this morning (Sunday). My dad got out of bed sometime during the night, and K found him on the floor in the living room. She tried contacting her family for help, but no one answered. She called my dad's neighbor ('C'), and she was able to come over. Eventually, they were able to get my dad off the floor and into a chair, and he soon fell asleep again. He doesn't appear to be injured, but 'he doesn't make sense' when he talks. K thinks he may have had a TIA, and my dad has a history of them. They sent him home way too soon.
Susan and I plan on returning to my dad's house this afternoon, but I'm not sure if we will be able to handle his needs. I think we're going to need help some help.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
That is rough. Is there insurance that might cover a hospice stay to give him more time to recover? Or maybe a Home Health nurse who can help out?
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 17, 2024, 06:57:15 AMI don't wish size 13 feet on anyone.
My cis-woman's feet are size 11 men's. Sometimes I can fit in 12 women's. My mother said that they give us a good base. You clearly have a good base in many ways.
QuoteThey sent him home way too soon...
I think we're going to need some help.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
My dad is back in the hospital for at least one night. He is dehydrated and has a UTI. They also discovered the catheter was inserted too deeply. I know they ran some other tests as well, but that's all the information I have at this time.
Susan and I (mainly Susan) have been doing more cleanup in the house. We found a lot of outdated food, some expired 20 years ago. A bag of canned goods in the pantry is stuck to the floor, at least one of the cans exploded a long time ago. How about a jar of mayonnaise that has gelled? The list is quite long, but you get the idea. The raccoons really like the Cheddar Chex Mix from Nov 2021, and the BelVita Cinnamon Brown Sugar breakfast biscuits from June of 2023 are also a favorite.
We don't have a long-term solution, right now it's just day-by-day.
Love always -- Jess
@Jessica_Rose cc: @Susan_Rose
Dear Jessica:The time that you now spend with your dad at this point in is life is precious....
continue taking care of him as you have been .... your reward is knowing that
you are there for him and the satisfaction of being the best daughter you can be...Many HUGS,
Danielle ♥️ ♥️ ♥️
My mum has about 3 of everything, more cans than the village shop just in case!! No need as we shop every week and if she cant drive I will take her, at least she puts the date in felt tip on the top of the tins so she uses the oldest. Thinking of you in your time of need XXXX
Sorry I only caught up today. So sorry to hear that your dad is back in hospital but best place. You said before that you were surprised that he had been released so quickly.
Sending you love, thoughts and a prayer, sister.
Big hugs jess,
Jessica xxx
Susan and I are home now, but it has been a long week with little sleep. My dad is still in the hospital. He is doing better, but he's still very weak. He needs a walker, and he isn't eating much. He may be released early next week. We hope to send him directly into a rehab facility.
The day after he was readmitted to the hospital, we really weren't sure if he was going to survive. Since we also still needed to get his taxes filed, we (Susan, myself, my brother, and his wife) decided to review my dad's bank accounts and legal paperwork. My brother is on one of my dad's checking accounts, so he will be able to write checks to cover any bills or tax payments. We also discovered that a 'friend' of his, my dad's 'yard man', has been taking advantage of him. Over $10,000 of checks in February alone. Luckily, this has now stopped. My dad does not have a phone or checkbook in the hospital, and the 'yard man' has no way to contact him. We know who he is, but recovery of any funds is unlikely. For now, we have stopped the bleeding. Luckily, this will not have a long-term financial effect on my dad.
I did a few more repairs and upgrades around the house. There has never been a light fixture in the garage, so I installed a light strip on the garage ceiling. The lock on one of the exterior doors wasn't working properly. Even when locked, some judicious jiggling of the doorknob would unlock the door. I found a new locking doorknob that has a 'smart key' which allows simplified re-keying, so we can use the 'old' key. Unfortunately, the doorknob required a larger mounting hole. Fortunately, I had a few new tools with me -- including a battery-powered dremel tool! It took a few hours to get it installed and properly aligned, but it works perfectly. I also repaired an outdoor light fixture, added a few nightlights in the main hallway, and cleaned a few decades' worth of debris from inside some ceiling light fixtures. We cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed the carpet before we left.
My dad is slowly getting better, but it may be several months before he can be on his own. One of his neighbors volunteered to mow his lawn and check the mail. My brother and his wife will make regular visits to the house, and Susan and I will visit as often as possible.
My thanks to all of you for you comments and caring thoughts.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Keep your spirits and energy up Jess. I hope you dad improves, and that things go well for all of you.
Christine
Thanks Christine!
A year or so ago, I encountered a new girl while shopping in Target. By that, I mean someone who had just started her journey. I don't usually approach other unicorns in public places, but I thought she could use a hug. We talked for a few minutes and I gave her my email. I never heard from her again.
Today I was in Walmart, and saw a familiar face -- it was her! She has been doing well, and HRT has been kind to her. Unfortunately, not too long ago she was confronted at a gas station. The person then followed her to another store, so she called the police. I think she mentioned that a restraining order is now in place. It's a shame that some people must lash out at others, instead of confronting their own fears.
I mentioned that I had been thinking about her, and she said she had lost my contact information. This time around, we exchanged texts. Now I can check up on her occasionally, and maybe even give her a hug when she needs one.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 25, 2024, 07:59:00 PMThanks Christine!
A year or so ago, I encountered a new girl while shopping in Target. By that, I mean someone who had just started her journey. I don't usually approach other unicorns in public places, but I thought she could use a hug. We talked for a few minutes and I gave her my email. I never heard from her again.
Today I was in Walmart, and saw a familiar face -- it was her! She has been doing well, and HRT has been kind to her. Unfortunately, not too long ago she was confronted at a gas station. The person then followed her to another store, so she called the police. I think she mentioned that a restraining order is now in place. It's a shame that some people must lash out at others, instead of confronting their own fears.
I mentioned that I had been thinking about her, and she said she had lost my contact information. This time around, we exchanged texts. Now I can check up on her occasionally, and maybe even give her a hug when she needs one.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Some people are mean and evil. It is nice that there are so many nice people like you around.
Christine
Sometimes, a hug from someone who genuinely cares about you is the best possible remedy.
Susan and I spent the weekend at my dad's house again. This time, Susan did most of the work. She did a lot of cleanup in the pantry, and started clearing outdated food from one of the refrigerators. The oldest food she found expired in 2002. We also replaced the countertop microwave. Someone let the smoke out of the old one, and it wasn't working right anymore. Apparently my dad has finally realized the 'yard man' is not his friend. Although recovery of any money is unlikely, my dad doesn't plan on giving him any more.
My dad is now in a rehab facility. I bought a portable stereo for him so he can listen to his favorite music. He seems to like it. He says the staff is nicer and the food is much better, but he still isn't eating much. Supper on Saturday was rice, squash, and a summer sausage (no bun). He ate 3 - 4 small bites of sausage and drank an Ensure. When we visited Sunday, he said lunch wasn't very good. He ate one windmill cookie and had another Ensure for lunch. He recognizes everyone and can carry on short conversations, but I haven't seen him out of bed in two weeks. He thinks he'll be going home by mid-April. A positive mindset is great, but we believe he is overly optimistic. We don't think he could handle chemo, and radiation therapy may be of little use. It may be time to start having distant friends and relatives visit.
On a positive note, hummingbirds are here!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
@Jessica_Rose
Dear Jessica: I am reading your update as Good News except for your dad's ability to
handle chemo considering his present health.
Having him in a rehab facility is good for him and gives you more peace of mind
regarding his day to day help and care that he receives, and meals that are available.
It might be good to have a nearby neighbor or friend check on his home from time
to time...and help keeping it looking like someone lives there.... you do not want
to have to deal with squatters or break-ins.
You might wish to continue to followup on the Yard Man that had been taking monetary
advantage of your dad.... the yard man needs to be "history"
And, who knows, the "human will" to survive and heal is a very powerful thing so your
dad going back home could be possible, but at the very least your dad needs that hope
so that he can continue living with that possibility. "Hope Springs Eternal"I have your dad, you and the family members (confidentially) on my church prayer list...
... definitely this entire situation is in my prayers and thoughts.Many HUGS,
Danielle
My dad's house is on a fenced, wooded lot. You can't see the house from the road. He also has a large iron gate on his driveway, which is now kept locked. One of his neighbors is mowing the lawn and checking the mail. My brother and his wife visit the house several times each week to review the mail, just in case a bill shows up.
We plan to visit again in a few weeks. He thinks he'll be home by then, but the odds are not in his favor. We found out yesterday that his PSA is 15, so it is likely that he has prostate cancer as well. He has an appointment with his doctor on 15 April, hopefully we'll get a better idea about what his future holds.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jessica, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. Caring for a loved one is not only painful, it can put a drain on your own soul. Please take time for yourself and do something special for just you. It is so important to support your own spirit as you support your Dad.
Thinking of you and your family, warm hug,
Emma
Jess,
I am glad that you were able to spend some time with your dad and to help fix up his house, and that you have others that can check up on him, the mail, the yard, etc.
You are a good daughter.
Hugs,
Christine
Thanks Emma and Christine! We are planning to take a break next month, I'll provide more details in a few weeks.
My dad has started eating a little more, but he still doesn't have much of an appetite. His PSA level is 15, so it's likely he also has prostate cancer. They did a mental evaluation, and they said he can't be alone in his house. He isn't very mobile, even with a walker. Susan and I plan to visit again this weekend.
Last year, some friends who live in Oregon sent us a few iris. This year, the iris bloomed! For members who have been here a while, you may remember them -- Michelle and Laurie.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
(https://i.imgur.com/UvdjZSP.jpg)
When you see them can you pass on my best wishes, they look lovely. Tulips out in the community garden at my flat, yellow in tubs by the rear seating area and so dark purple they look black ones in the bed by the road.
Thanks, Davina! Next time I see them, I'll give them a hug for you. Our tulips were totally uncooperative this year.
I started backing off on my dilation schedule a few years ago. I've gone from almost every night down to twice a week, and so far I have not had any issues. Initially, my life revolved around my dilation schedule, now my dilation schedule revolves around my life.
We're going to visit my dad tomorrow (Friday). A few weeks ago, we discovered my dad had set up a power of attorney naming me as the 'agent'. We also found his will and trust paperwork. I need to order some checks for one of his accounts so we can pay some bills. We found evidence of accounts at several banks, and I plan to visit them all to get a better understanding of his finances. I will discuss everything with my brother before taking any actions.
My dad had an 'incident' at the rehab center today. My sister-in-law was visiting, and my dad became very agitated and was waving his arms around. Somehow he cut one of his arms, then slumped over. My sister-in-law took my dad the the hospital, with him complaining all the way -- he didn't want to go. His blood pressure was down to 56/34. It took them a while to get an IV set up, but they were able to stabilize him. We think the issue was caused by a massive UTI. We have started telling relatives they should visit soon.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Sometimes financial institutions will print a few complimentary checks for you at the branch should you need some. You start these checks at a given check number.
If that small quantity of checks is all you need, this may work for you.
@Jessica_Rose Dear Jessica:
For you, your family and for your Dad.... (https://i.imgur.com/paezNSC.jpg)
HUGS, Danielle
I wish your dad the best. You take care Jess.
Christine
Jess, I hope that you're considering spending as little energy as possible doing administrative tasks right now so you can be as present as possible with your father right now, making sure that he has access to everything that you know will comfort him.
I wish I could send you all the energy that you want so you can do all that you want to -- and enjoy doing -- for him.
One of our daughters drove up from Austin TX to visit her grandpa, and we all stayed in my dad's house. Susan and I were able to finish getting rid of the expired food in the kitchen refrigerator, and we started clearing out the two refrigerators in the garage. There is also a deep freeze which Susan opened -- she said there were bugs inside! We're not sure if we want to try cleaning that one. We had planned to return home on Sunday, but had to stay an extra day to visit another bank. I also mowed the front yard before we left on Monday, it was looking a bit too shaggy.
My dad seemed to be doing well on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. This morning he began hallucinating again and trying to get out of bed. He has another infection caused by an antibiotic resistant strain of bacteria, so the doctors are trying several different antibiotics.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Sunrise near my dad's house...
(https://i.imgur.com/CcTsmOw.jpg)
Jess,
I hope your dad gets better.
Nice picture!
Christine
Hi Jessica,
It's amazing what a UTI can do. My mom wound up in the hospital at the end of January because of one. She's not walking as well as she was before the infection. We're not sure if it's due to the infection or just normal aging progression. UTIs are hard to detect in the elderly as they don't always show the same symptoms as others would have.
I hope they find something that works for your father and that there are no lingering effects.
Warm regards and hugs.
Paulie.