I tend to have very high standards when it comes to a relationship, and I tend to want a very serious relationship. So I am a junior in highschool and 100 percent stealth. The problem is that I want someone that I can tell anything to, and thats hard for me considering that Ive been living completely stealth for about 4 years. Maybe I have a trust issue or something, but i find it very hard and even emasculating at times to tell people that Im a transman. I'm 6 months on T and have had top surgery, and even have a good amount of facial hair. My point is that girls at my school see me as any other guy, and lately there have been freshmen and sophomores that want to date me. Relationships make me really nervous. I have never had a girlfriend before, but lately I have been craving affection. I've had to turn down several girls just because I was so afraid of what they would think of me, or if i could even trust them. Am I taking things too seriously? Should I just not even tell girls that I'm trans? Maybe with my first girlfriend I should just be kind of frivolous about it? Is it okay to date/kiss a girl who doesn't know that you're trans? It seems un-safe to me.
I wouldn't hide your status from someone that you are dating. It is dishonest, and would damage the relationship down the road when you were found out.
That said, you're in high school. If there was ever a time to not take relationships seriously, high school would be it. Just remember that anything you tell someone in confidence could potentially come out if you break up or if your relationship is going through hard times.
If I was living 100% stealth in an environment with a high potential for drama (like high school), I personally would not date.
i don't think it's dishonest not to mention it, since her presumptions are not his lies.
imo, kissing and casually dating a girl without disclosing is fine, but if it's starting to get serious, she should be told. like i said, if you never say "i'm cis" to her, there's no lie, and while she might be pretty surprised, she can't justifiably accuse you of dishonesty. dating wasn't an option for me in high school, but the one person you can never be stealth to is your s/o, and that won't change after you graduate.
Withholding information to foster a misconception (not admitting to being trans fosters the misconception that he is cis) is lying by omission. I'd be very careful with it if it goes any further than just casual dating, kissing, etc. IMO, letting it go beyond that point is an abuse of trust.
There was a criminal case in the UK that basically said as much. Though I don't think the person involved is transgender, they presented themselves as male, seduced a woman, and convinced her to have sex with them blindfolded. The woman took the blindfold off, saw a woman, and realized that she had been using a prosthetic device. The courts sentenced them to 8 years in prison. So I'd proceed with caution.
QuoteThat said, you're in high school. If there was ever a time to not take relationships seriously, high school would be it. Just remember that anything you tell someone in confidence could potentially come out if you break up or if your relationship is going through hard times.
If I was living 100% stealth in an environment with a high potential for drama (like high school), I personally would not date.
See, thats the thing. I kind of want to have SOME experience with dating before I go to college. Even if its just something insignificant. I do agree with you about it being dangerous, which is why I haven't ever had a girlfriend since I began transitioning.
Quoteimo, kissing and casually dating a girl without disclosing is fine, but if it's starting to get serious, she should be told.
That's what I had in mind, nothing very sexual about it. That way, I could see if I did really trust her enough to tell her.
QuoteThere was a criminal case in the UK that basically said as much. Though I don't think the person involved is transgender, they presented themselves as male, seduced a woman, and convinced her to have sex with them blindfolded. The woman took the blindfold off, saw a woman, and realized that she had been using a prosthetic device. The courts sentenced them to 8 years in prison. So I'd proceed with caution.
I would never have sex with someone who didn't know that I was trans. Also, I would never consider dating a woman who did not seem to be a liberal/ open-minded person. For example, when I met this particular girl she had been talking to an "out" gay guy, and his "out" boyfriend who is also a transman but pre-everything.
If your personality is to take things seriously and look for a soul mate, I think taking them less seriously is a bad idea. It may not even be possible to take them less seriously if that's what mode your mind really is in. I also am the sort who takes things seriously and wants someone who I can actually talk to.
In the past I went for a relationship because I was part pressured into it and part blase about it - taking it less seriously than what I truly wanted. Turns out it was a bad match. Good friend, but very bad partner, bad at providing the things I actually wanted from a relationship making the relationship one sided and pointless from my perspective. I don't think taking them less seriously is going to get you what you want.
I also think it's risky these days not telling people, as if they're untrustworthy they could easily use the idea of you not being forthright with them against you, personally or legally. I have heard of cases where people were prosecuted for not telling the other person gender related information. It seems like a minefield.
If remaining stealth is important to you, then maybe a more casual approach to dating is best. If you really want to be open and honest with a prospective partner, then the chances of you being outed as trans increase significantly. As soon as one person knows...many others know...especially in high school!
QuoteIf your personality is to take things seriously and look for a soul mate, I think taking them less seriously is a bad idea. It may not even be possible to take them less seriously if that's what mode your mind really is in. I also am the sort who takes things seriously and wants someone who I can actually talk to.
In the past I went for a relationship because I was part pressured into it and part blase about it - taking it less seriously than what I truly wanted. Turns out it was a bad match. Good friend, but very bad partner, bad at providing the things I actually wanted from a relationship making the relationship one sided and pointless from my perspective. I don't think taking them less seriously is going to get you what you want.
Thank you for that insight :)
I can see both sides of this issue. If you plan to have a casual relationship where you date, hold hands, and do not see it ever moving beyond kissing then you could consider remaining stealth; HOWEVER, you should also consider the consequences for the other person if someone, somehow outed you to them or to the general population. Beyond just hurting the relationship you could also cause your girlfriend a lot of pain and confusion regarding her own sexuality. You and I know that dating a trans guy does not make you attracted to women, but your average Joe has a hard time understanding this. The teenaged years are a very important time in a person's life. You develop a lot of your personality quirks in the teenage years, and you might cause her a lot of grief about her sexuality that could cause her to be very depressed and embarrassed, as well as hurt her ability to trust partners in the future. If you were outed to the general population somehow, then even if she is okay with you being trans she could face a lot of bullying and harassment from fellow students. Other kids might declare her a lesbian, and she might not be able to convince them otherwise.
I know that these things might seem a little "transphobic," but since relationship is a two way street we have to accept the realities of our society rather than talking about the perfect world we WISH it could be. And, in reality, a person should be able to decide whether or not they want to be a part of this hot bed of political craziness, ESPECIALLY as a teenager when emotions are so strong and decision making processes are still developing. A really bad incident could scar someone for life.
If you were an adult talking about dating an adult, my opinion would probably be more liberal. A thirty year old has a lot more social development and general life experience than a teenager, and would likely be able to handle a situation where they discovered their partner was trans (before any sexual situations occurred) better than a teen. They also are not trapped in the fish bowl that is high school society and would likely be able to avoid any future interactions if they wished. Also, their friends would likely not be your friends (you would each have your own set of friends), so their other relationships would not be risked. They might question their sexuality a little, but usually by a certain age you come to understand that better and are less likely to have a crisis over it than a teenager would. Overall, it is a different situation.
My advice to you would be to become FRIENDS with someone you are interested in, feel out how they feel about dating trans people, and if they are open to the idea then consider coming out to them. This seems like the safest way to date in high school without risking pain on either side of the equation.