Recent posts
#1
Last post by Jessica_K - Today at 08:51:45 PM
It's 2:30am and I am wide awake again.
I know I am depressed and this is why I cannot sleep. Things here in the UK are getting worse and worse. Every day the press are doing hatchet jobs against trans people, they are now going after the doctors that help, attempting ton force them to stop and storing up the mob to shut them down.
The latest is going after one of the rare GP's that proscribe HRT and blockers to under 25's. The whole practice is pro trans, but The Telegraph picks on the tdoctor that just happens to be trans himself implying he is corrupting the children. Day after day it's relentless.
MP, are calling for a public enquiry into the adult trans care with the obvious fit up that was done by the Cass report to ban trans care for adults. They are going after the gender rights act, the UK human rights act. It's open season on trans people who just want to be left alone.
There is no one on our side, and those that are hounded by the press and the government. It's big business from the US that's funding the hatred. The same that has taken over the right wing GOP states.
I waited so long to start to live my life as I wanted. I thought the tide had turned, gay marriage had pushed the way. Rights for trans people meant I would not lose my job, be discriminated against, forced out of my house, these were the things of the past. But it's all likely to come back.
And guess what? Some of the worse anti trans people are gay and lesbian. You would really think that with what they went through would mean they were sympathetic to us.
I really hope this all goes away, never happens, all blows over in time. But time is not on my side.
I am glad I have here to write my story. One day I will not be here and at least I have it written down.
Jessica
#2
Last post by imallie - Today at 08:21:51 PM
Two nearly immediate responses - both really loving and wonderful. So that's nice.
As much as anything it's nice they were emails to the both of us (which was the goal of the way this version of the email was crafted) and hopefully will not blow up my wife's day tomorrow. Love and support are great, but hopefully she isn't inundated with sibs trying to call.
——-
Oh by the way, speaking of people reaching out to my wife...
My niece (she of two weekend's ago gender reveal) reached out to her today to discuss the baby shower. And she said to tell me that I'm more than welcome to come and she'd love to have me there if I wanted to be there... and all wonderful stuff.
My wife always describes those things as being about as much fun as a root canal. So while I greatly appreciate her thinking of me, of course I would really have no interest in going. Plus, in all honesty, my going would do nothing but draw attention from my niece... and while I know she is inviting me, that's still not very nice.
A year from now? Were the same invitation offered? It might be a different discussion and result. But for now it's a clear "very flattering to be asked, but I don't think it's a good idea."
#3
Last post by imallie - Today at 07:20:56 PM
And ... phase II begins.
We just sent the revised email to my wife's siblings.
I feel like those old coffee commercials from the 70's -
"we've secretly replaced an email about dinner plans on Saturday to seven people with one announcing a gender transition. Let's see what happens next..."
#4
Elliot Page Laments 'Overwhelming Tactics' of Anti-Trans Attacks: 'Just Pushing People Out of Life'https://www.msn.com/en-us/movies/celebrity/elliot-page-laments-overwhelming-tactics-of-anti-trans-attacks-just-pushing-people-out-of-life/ar-AA1nFtKX?ocid=windirect&cvid=575d1688c15a4fcf9a07ddc60b33a70a&ei=47Story by Charlotte Phillipp, Tabitha Parent (25 April 2024)
The Canadian-born actor spoke candidly about his activism, telling Time editor Sam Lansky during the panel that he shared the fears that many other trans activists share about the rolling back of protections for trans people, specifically in Alberta. He also told Lansky that he can see similarities between the anti-trans legislation in the U.S. and Canada.
"It's the same unfortunately right now, overwhelming tactic of these attacks coming from all sides in terms of trans existence, whether it's healthcare, ID, use of bathrooms, the ability to play sports, et cetera," Page said. "Just pushing people out of life."
Responding to a question from Lansky about how the fight for trans rights and bodily autonomy in legislation might be related, Page noted that these these things are "something that empowers."
"...It's about finding connection between these movements because they are all connected, right?" the actor said. "It's bodily autonomy, being able to have control over your body, over your life, over your future. That's, of course, something that empowers, that toxic systems of power and oppression are going to go after. Those fights and resistance movements are absolutely connected, so hopefully we can see more coalition."
#5
Last post by imallie - Today at 02:28:37 PM
Quote from: Oldandcreaky on Today at 01:35:43 PMPsychotic break? Some anger/fear that's festered and festered and poisoned all of him? Of course, I don't know.
I do know what it's like to have an angry brother. My angry brother died a few years ago, smoking crack laced with fentanyl. The only time I ever saw him was when I made the effort and even then, he'd be mad at me for X, Y, and Z. Forever angry. Decades and decades of anger. So, I do know a bit about your situation.
Atta, Allie.
Breaks my heart to hear about your brother. So sad and so sorry.
At least with mine, as unlikely though it is, there always remains the germ of hope. With each of my parents' death I'm sure some part of him regretted not making amends. And I assume too that he'd very much like to reenter the family, but pride and ego have long since cemented his position.
Speaking from experience ... heck, the kind of experience many if not most of us here share ... I wish he understood that enduring the possibility of an awkward or uncomfortable exchange lasting a few minutes could open up so much joy thereafter.
#6
Sorry, typo!
Apparently it is from Cornwall, South West England.
#8
I'm happy for you, Courtney.
#9
Psychotic break? Some anger/fear that's festered and festered and poisoned all of him? Of course, I don't know.
I do know what it's like to have an angry brother. My angry brother died a few years ago, smoking crack laced with fentanyl. The only time I ever saw him was when I made the effort and even then, he'd be mad at me for X, Y, and Z. Forever angry. Decades and decades of anger. So, I do know a bit about your situation.
QuoteI long ago decided that I literally do not have the mental capacity for such hate in my life. If, however, he knocked on my door right now, I would welcome him in, and offer him a hug.
Atta, Allie.
#10
Thanks, Gina - you've been very kind.
So...about the Keystone Conference:
I'd heard about it online, as it promised to be a pretty big event. The conference has been happening for many years (this was the 13th year). Billed as "A Celebration of Gender Diversity", it's 5 days of workshops and seminars, and lots of fellowship between trans people of all stripes. When I learned about it, I knew I had to go. I mentioned it to my pal, Gina, and she signed on without hesitation. I was excited to be in a totally safe space and I hoped to learn some stuff along the way. We planned on meeting Caela there, which was something we were looking forward to.
I decided to attend on Friday only, although in retrospect, staying overnight would have been better. The day went by quickly...
I drove to Gina's place, wearing jeans (women's Carhartt) and a black tank top with a button-down "boyfriend" shirt in white with light blue stripes. I wanted to wear something that was decidedly female, but reflect my casual style. Not quite androgynous, and less girly than some might have chosen. I felt comfortable. I also packed makeup, sandals, nail polish, some bandanas and some other items, as I planned to get a little more dolled up during the 2 hour drive to the conference. I wore bright red toenail polish beneath my socks and Vans sneakers.
As I've mentioned many times, my hair/hairline presents a challenge. I'm in the really awkward growth phase between my transplant surgery and having a (hopefully) full head of hair. I brought several bandanas but really wanted a pink one, which wasn't among the ones I'd borrowed from my girlfriend (hers had gotten torn up from use). But of course, Gina bought one for me - she's a good friend. As we barreled down the interstate, I started to apply a really pretty lavender nail gloss that I'd bought a few days earlier. I did a pretty good lob, but Gina ended up pulling over so I could finish without struggling and making a mess of myself.
I put some foundation and rouge on, along with some light pink lipstick, then put my sandals on in the parking garage. I knew we were going to be walking a lot but I wanted my painted toenails to show. I was wearing a bra that I really liked.
As soon as we got inside, there were transfemme people everywhere. I'd expected a ton of pretty young trans girls but I was surprised to see that the majority were around our age. I suspect many were like me and weren't out full time. Many had expressive clothing on and lots of makeup. I thought I'd feel "less than" and out of place, but I didn't. A transfemme person couldn't have asked for a more accepting environment. I was a little disappointed at the lack of masc and non-binary people there, but that's not uncommon in these spaces, unfortunately.
We started sitting in on some of the seminars right away. They were interesting. Perhaps more interesting was the fact that I was sitting there in a tank top, with makeup on and my boobs showing. This was only the second time I'd been out as Courtney despite over 2 years of HRT. I can't overstate the significance of letting my body show after carefully hiding it for so long.
The most profound thing I heard during the seminars was from a 70-something trans woman, who said she identified as bi-gender for nine and a half years, and that she only dressed on the weekends during that time. She said that the best time to take your next step is when you feel uncomfortable with that place you're at. This was not what I was used to hearing. All of my trans friends had been urging me to step outside of my comfort zone, to push myself. But comfort is what I need. Her words were like a salve. I felt relief. I was doing it right.
I had a makeup appointment scheduled right around the time the luncheon started, so I went up to the cosmetologist's room and she got started. As she worked on me, I warned her not to expect a really positive reaction from me. I told her I wanted to see "her" but I really have a hard time doing so. She said she thought I was looking great. She also pointed out that a wig would pull the whole look together. She handed me the mirror after finishing and I had a peep. She did a great job but I couldn't help but see a male face beneath that makeup. I told her it looked "really nice" (or something) and headed down to catch up with Caela, Gina and some new friends, one of which I met on Discord.
I told them that I wished I had a wig that I liked (I owned 5 but none were really working for me) and the next time I saw them, they dragged me to a small vendor area and to a salon/wig place, which happens to be based about an hour from my home. I sat down in front of the stylist (Josh) and he pulled out a blonde wig, suggesting that the color would suit me, while my companions looked on. Their exclamations suggested that it looked pretty good, but I wasn't prepared for what I saw in the mirror.
I started to cry. Hard.
I looked pretty. I looked feminine. I felt like a woman. It was amazing. He tried another one on, but the first one was the one I needed. I bought the wig and walked out of there feeling like I really belonged.
I cannot adequately describe the way I felt for the rest of my time at Keystone. I felt attractive, comfortable in my own skin. I sat in the bar, drink in hand and watched people come and go. I could have people-watched all day, as a feeling of calm had come over me. I went to the bathroom and took a selfie in the mirror. As I walked around, I felt special, pretty. The experience blew my mind.
I wish I could tell you that I decided to come out to everyone after Keystone, that I'm Courtney, full-time, but I'm not. But part of the reason I went to Keystone was to find proof-of-concept that somehow I could be a girl. I feel like I did it - I proved that it's possible. As my hair continues to grow and my body continues to change, I'll be looking forward to the next time I feel safe enough to go out as "her." For now, I'm comfortable where I'm at, and I learned that that's OK.
