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Blogs => Member Blogs => Topic started by: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 12:29:27 pm

Title: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 12:29:27 pm
Hi everyone.  I have never done a blog, but I have been following several people here and commenting on their threads.  Some of you have encouraged me to write my own blog, so here is my faltering attempt at that.

I know this isn't AA, but my name is Rachel and I am transgender (more specifically I have been diagnosed with GID/GD).   I have also been told I have something similar to Kallman's Syndrome.  I have all of the symptoms of Kallman's except that my sense of smell is normal.  The doctor labeled it Idiopathic Hypogonadotripic Hypogonadism. It is my understanding that this fact might exclude me from a diagnosis of GID, but not for one of GD.  As far as I am concerned, the reality is what it is, and labels don't change that.

I am transgender and have been aware of that since my earliest memories (2-4 years old), though I didn't have a label for it.  I knew I wanted to be a girl, and I was told very plainly that would never happen.  In fact, my grandmother told me (when I was 5) that I was a "pervert" and going to Hell.  She then read to me from the Bible a passage that said there will be no perverts in heaven.  So, I did my best to hide my gender incongruity and act like a "normal boy".  I think I pass as a fairly normal person, though I know that I am transgender.

Anyway, when I was 16 I still hadn't started puberty and they took me to an endocrinologist.  He diagnosed me as having "Constitutional Delay of Puberty".  He offered me testosterone, and told me it would make me hairy and masculine.  I rejected the offer.  I started puberty on my own at 18.  It was a slow process.  Even at 21 I looked like a high school kid.  But, I eventually developed into a mature looking man, and promptly started male pattern baldness (that was heart breaking).

In 1996 I was having migraine headaches and went for a CTScan.  After the images were made I was left alone in the room.  Being a curious person, I went and looked at the images.  The radiologist came in, saw me doing that, and insisted that I stop looking at some other patient's medical records.  I told him that I was pretty sure these were images of me.  He said they couldn't be because this was clearly the brain of a woman, and in he twenty some odd years of practice, he could ALWAYS tell the difference.  it was easy, and this was a woman, so not me.  The girl who had made the images came back into the room and I asked her if the images were of me.  She confirmed for me and the radiologist that they were.  He acted frightened, said he should not have told me what he did.  Then he declared that I had no lesions, no tumors and no sign of stroke, I was fine.  It was unusual, that's all.  He had heard of it but never seen it.  Then he jogged out of the room.  No more questions.  I called his office and I asked to speak to him, but all I got was a message saying I was fine, no lesions, no tumors, no sign of stroke.  Yeah, that isn't what I wanted to talk about.

Since then, I have been unable to get a second opinion on the gender of my brain.  I have had MRI's and CTScans over the years, but the radiologist will not speak to me.  I am told that I don't have any lesions, tumors or signs of stroke; end of discussion.  I strongly suspect the first doctor was right, but...I'd like a second opinion. 

My T levels were never been above the baseline for normal males, but close.  Then, around 50, my T levels dropped to zero (the lab said they were so low they could not be measured).  This made me feel very sick, and I went to the same endocrinologist.  He diagnosed me as having metabolic syndrome, and started me on Androgel.  I was fairly emotionally stressed over taking testosterone, which emotionally felt like poisoning myself, but I felt so physically ill that I did it anyway.

After a year, I went to a different endo who told me I had something like Kallman's (he said I had IHH).  He explained that something is wrong in my pituitary/hypothalamus axis, and it causes me not to make enough LH (Lutenizing Hormone) and GnRH (Gonadotropin-releasing hormone).  I suspect that this problem has something to do with my prenatal development.  Both endos shrug at the question and say they don't know.  (How could they know for sure, but I would suspect they have a theory).
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journy (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 12:44:57 pm
I have been reading Emma1017's thread and I seem to be about where she was 2 years ago.  I have not started HRT, and don't plan to if I can avoid it.  I don't want to hurt my wife either.  I am out to her, she knows, but almost no one else knows.  Her kids definitely don't know.  My parents and siblings haven't been told, and I think they would be surprised.

My family (including my in-laws) are VERY conservative.  I live in Alabama, which is fairly conservative (certainly compared to the rest of America), but my family takes it to another level.  My parents would be unhappy if I were gay, but they would get over that.  I have heard my dad say he couldn't stand to be in the same room with a transsexual.  Of course, and the time he said it he was in the room with one, but I suspect he didn't know.

In reading Emma1017's "Which Hurts Less" she describes well the argument (with myself) that is taking place inside of me.  Why is it so important that I become a woman?  What do I really think would be better if I transition?  Would it offset all that I would lose?  I'd lose my family, my friends, my career, and I would basically have to move to another state.

I know right now that if I ever start HRT, I would never stop (except if my doctor made me for a surgery or something).  And, once I started down that path, I wouldn't be able to transition fully fast enough.  So, I have declined Estrogen when it has been offered.  I don't think I would need anything to knock down my testosterone.  Just stop taking my medicine to boost it, and it would fall away to nothing on its own. 

But, my wife would divorce me.  My parents would disown me.  And, I really don't know how my sisters would react.  I have an idea, but I don't know.  I do know that when an old friend of my sister and myself (from 30-40 years ago, not someone I am close to now) had a child transition from MTF, my sister posted on FaceBook to the child's mother that her child was it was a "sin" and the child was "going to go to Hell", and they should not let her transition.  The mother "unfriended" both her and me over that, even though I have voiced my support for their daughter.  My other sister expressed her opinion privately that my first sister was right in what she said, but should have had more tact than to say it in a public forum to the mother of the child.  So, I don't expect much support from either of them.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 12:57:22 pm
In essence, I hope I can avoid transitioning.  My wife did make me promise that if I had to transition to be happy, that I would transition.  But, she said if I did that she would divorce me.  She said we would always be friends. 

I don't really know what that means; "to be happy".  Happy how?  Maybe I have never really been happy and just don't know what it would feel like.  I wouldn't be happy about her divorcing me, about me losing my family, my friends, my career, and moving to somewhere where I know no one.  But, once I went through all of that, MAYBE I could find a way to be happy as a woman?  Or, maybe, as Linde has often said, I would be happier as I am now, spending my life with the woman I love, and not getting to be open about who I am.

Happy is relative, right?  I mean, no one is totally happy, right?  There are good things and bad in every life, and you just have to deal with the bad and appreciate the good, right?  right now, the bad in my life is having to deal with GD.  But, there are a lot of good things. There is a lot about my life that I do appreciate.  The biggest thing missing is being known fully and loved completely.  My wife loves the character who I play, the man she married.  No one else even knows the real me, and my wife doesn't want to ever see me as a woman.

I don't know what to do.  Some people talk about a crossroad, saying there will come a time when you have to decide.  Does there?  If so, did I already cross that point?  Did I already decide (for example, when I became a husband and a step-father) that I would choose that path?  If you go the wrong way on the crossroad, can you turn around?  Or, make a running correction?  How do you know if you already crossed the point of no return?
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: SarahEL on December 18, 2020, 01:54:01 pm
Very well done on taking the brave step in starting your own blog.
I hope it has helped putting this out there.. and I am subscribed and awaiting your further posts...

Sending you hugs...  xx
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 02:00:05 pm
Thank you for your friendship.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Confused1 on December 18, 2020, 02:55:16 pm
Hi Rachel,

I am not Intersex and do not have Kallman's Syndrome, but we have some similarities. I had prostate surgery in March of 18. It actually started my journey. I have a medical condition from that surgery that I can't live with. I could get no help from my doctors, so I went everywhere looking for answers. I finally happened upon Zero Depth Vaginoplasty on another website. That put the cart in front of the horse for me. I realized I would eventually go there and it was the only way to live a normal life. I knew my wife wouldn't like that so I kept searching. I didn't say anything about it to my wife for six months. That went over well-NOT!

I still did not really know what was wrong inside me, but the cancer returned late last year and I had to go through ADT to lower testosterone and then radiation early this year. After 2 months on ADT, I realized I never want testosterone again. Then I found someone on a prostate cancer website that actually figured out my medical issue. I switched to another urologist. Problem is, the vaginoplasty is still the only viable way to fix it. My new urologist seemed to think so as well.

Early this year, I happened on one of Emma1017's threads, realized I am transgender and that is why my mind so easily accepted the surgery. I realized my past and Emma's were very similar. It created a Aha moment along with Oh No! I always knew these feelings/thoughts were in my head, but not the why.

I had already researched what it took to get the surgery, so I set up a gender therapist appointment and learned a lot more about myself. I suggest you go talk to one. I don't know how much dysphoria you have if any. Puberty was hell for me and it was for awhile after. I only had one period of strong dysphoria a couple decades ago and it eventually seemed to subside. I also think I am gender fluid. I know with many it becomes overwhelming. It did not for me until after my surgery. YMMV. There are not many easy choices in this. Only you can decide what you need to do. A gender therapist can help you sort that out.

I also live in a very conservative state close to you, Arkansas. I have made my wife, daughters, and preacher very uncomfortable this year. I go to a pretty conservative church. Many there also consider being trans a sin, though I have managed to educate my preacher a little. Both of our families live a long distance away and I don't intend to share this with them. They all think I am getting surgery for something else. I have managed to get my wife pretty much on board, but at present I still plan to live as a man. It has been a roller coaster ride, but has improved greatly since the beginning of this. Lack of hormones just started some growth up top. I considered myself non binary, so I never expected the emotions that growing breasts would bring out in me. My wife is OK with that too, especially since it was started by the cancer treatments. Still, I think she is OK as long as I don't start wearing a dress. She has mentioned helping me bind or getting a bra, so there is an opening. If or when we transition, our wives have to as well. Some won't. I hope your wife will understand over time if you decide you need to transition.

Hugs,
Mike
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 03:47:14 pm
Hi Rachel,

After 2 months on ADT, I realized I never want testosterone again. Then I found someone on a prostate cancer website that actually figured out my medical issue. I switched to another urologist. Problem is, the vaginoplasty is still the only viable way to fix it. My new urologist seemed to think so as well.

What, if you don't mind my asking, is your medical issue such that vaginoplasty is the only viable way to fix?  Gender Dysphoria?  Or, something else? 

Quote from: Confused1
...so I set up a gender therapist appointment and learned a lot more about myself. I suggest you go talk to one.
  I have actually talked to three.  The first one I fired because she said I was a transsexual, and I thought that meant she wasn't listening (because I thought that if you were terrified to transition rather than embracing it, you weren't transsexual).  The second show me the DSM and asked if that wasn't what I was describing.  I cried, it was.  But, I can't see my present therapist because she is shut down over Covid.  No in person appointments.  And, I don't want to do Facetime appointments.

Quote from: Confused1
I don't know how much dysphoria you have if any.

I don't either.  Sometimes it is significant making it hard to think about anything else, sometimes it is like a dull chronic pain in my soul.  How much is that?  Thankfully, I just had a two year run where it was very manageable.  Sadly, that has ended, and right now it is what I would describe as "pretty bad".  I wish I could see my psychologist. 

Quote from: Confused1
I also live in a very conservative state close to you, Arkansas.
Yes, that is probably a similar environment.  Not so close geographically, but close culturally. 

Quote from: Confused1
I have made my wife, daughters, and preacher very uncomfortable this year.
Oh, do tell.  What did you do or say that made them chagrined?

Quote from: Confused1
I have managed to get my wife pretty much on board, but at present I still plan to live as a man. It has been a roller coaster ride, but has improved greatly since the beginning of this. Lack of hormones just started some growth up top. I considered myself non binary, so I never expected the emotions that growing breasts would bring out in me. My wife is OK with that too, especially since it was started by the cancer treatments. Still, I think she is OK as long as I don't start wearing a dress.

If wearing a dress is code for anything that isn't men's clothing, mine is there with her.  I could not satisfy my wife's demands by wearing leggings and a tunic.

Quote from: Confused1
If or when we transition, our wives have to as well. Some won't. I hope your wife will understand over time if you decide you need to transition.
Yes, I suppose so.  My then ex-wife would be very embarrassed for people to know that I was changing my appearance in that way.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on December 18, 2020, 05:48:45 pm
In essence, I hope I can avoid transitioning.  My wife did make me promise that if I had to transition to be happy, that I would transition.  But, she said if I did that she would divorce me.  She said we would always be friends. 

I don't really know what that means; "to be happy".  Happy how?  Maybe I have never really been happy and just don't know what it would feel like.  I wouldn't be happy about her divorcing me, about me losing my family, my friends, my career, and moving to somewhere where I know no one.  But, once I went through all of that, MAYBE I could find a way to be happy as a woman?  Or, maybe, as Linde has often said, I would be happier as I am now, spending my life with the woman I love, and not getting to be open about who I am.

Happy is relative, right?  I mean, no one is totally happy, right?  There are good things and bad in every life, and you just have to deal with the bad and appreciate the good, right?  right now, the bad in my life is having to deal with GD.  But, there are a lot of good things. There is a lot about my life that I do appreciate.  The biggest thing missing is being known fully and loved completely.  My wife loves the character who I play, the man she married.  No one else even knows the real me, and my wife doesn't want to ever see me as a woman.

I don't know what to do.  Some people talk about a crossroad, saying there will come a time when you have to decide.  Does there?  If so, did I already cross that point?  Did I already decide (for example, when I became a husband and a step-father) that I would choose that path?  If you go the wrong way on the crossroad, can you turn around?  Or, make a running correction?  How do you know if you already crossed the point of no return?
That is clearly a really difficult situation. I guess a key question has to be what did you know about yourself when you made the massive decision to become a husband and stepfather and what do you know now you didn’t then? If ur in a very different place today than at that point then it’s very understandable that you need to take a fresh view on ur life and direction I would suggest . In the end every one of us is on a very personal journey with our own challenges and it’s hard for any of us to be able to advise. Xx


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Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 08:52:43 pm
Quote from: Pammie
That is clearly a really difficult situation. I guess a key question has to be what did you know about yourself when you made the massive decision to become a husband and stepfather and what do you know now you didn’t then? If ur in a very different place today than at that point then it’s very understandable that you need to take a fresh view on ur life and direction I would suggest . In the end every one of us is on a very personal journey with our own challenges and it’s hard for any of us to be able to advise. Xx

I suppose I knew everything about myself then that I know now.  I didn’t understand that it would grow worse with age.  I didn’t understand that wanting to be a woman was the important desire making me a transsexual.  I didn’t understand that the only recommendation for how to deal with it all would be transitioning.  But, I knew unambiguously that I wanted to be a woman.  And, I knew that when my first wife divorced me, I seriously considered transitioning.  But, I felt it was impossible for me.  And, I thought it would always be impossible for me.  Because, I really thought I would kill myself rather than transition. 

When I met my present wife, I fell so in love that for a couple of years I didn’t have a problem with dysphoria.  It didn’t go away, but it wasn’t a problem.  After we married, I started having a problem with it again.  And, I became extremely depressed.  I decided that I would certainly kill myself, and soon.  But, I asked my wife whether she would rather be the widow of a man that committed suicide, or divorced from a man who committed suicide.  She didn’t want me to commit suicide and insisted that I tell her what was wrong.  I thought that if I did, she would understand and choose one of the two options.  But, she said she loved me, and she didn’t care.

Later, it became obvious that she did love me, but she did care about me being trans. 

So, I didn’t learn anything new about me, but I did learn more about the way dysphoria can become more aggressive.  I didn’t think psychologist could offer any help.  And, I was horrified when (after listening to me, and hearing me ask for coping strategies) psychologist after psychologist said transitioning was the only way I would ever be happy.  I didn’t know that when I married her.

So, I feel guilty for deceiving her, but I did and do love her.  I did want to be with her forever and still do.  And, I was hiding my secret from everyone, and thought I would always be able to do so.  I just expected to be dead, not to tell anyone. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Confused1 on December 18, 2020, 11:27:56 pm
What, if you don't mind my asking, is your medical issue such that vaginoplasty is the only viable way to fix?  Gender Dysphoria?  Or, something else? 

I will PM you as to the medical issue causing me to have GCS.

 The second show me the DSM and asked if that wasn't what I was describing.  I cried, it was.  But, I can't see my present therapist because she is shut down over Covid. 

I did a LOT of research previous to seeing my therapist, so I mostly knew what to say and what was required. I was still terrified at the beginning of the first session.
So far my therapist is doing therapy in person, just staying a good 10 feet apart.


I don't either.  Sometimes it is significant making it hard to think about anything else, sometimes it is like a dull chronic pain in my soul.  How much is that?  Thankfully, I just had a two year run where it was very manageable.  Sadly, that has ended, and right now it is what I would describe as "pretty bad".  I wish I could see my psychologist. 

I have gender dysphoria, but it is mostly manageable. We all face choices and mine was to remain married and deal with mild dysphoria. It all depends on whether you can do that. I did have a pretty intense spell a couple decades ago, but I managed to choke it down after awhile. At the time I didn't understand what was causing it. I had a traumatic experience as a child I blamed most of my problems on. I believe I am gender fluid, which probably plays a part. Sounds like you may be as well?

 
Oh, do tell.  What did you do or say that made them chagrined?

There have been many things that set off my wife, from the possibility of transition publically to being a lesbian (she is not) to the biblical feelings about it. It was a very wild ride at first, but has mostly settled down now. My daughters were OK at first, but slipped some for different reasons. They both still love me and we have worked through most of it. I have had many interesting conversations with my preacher, but he is pretty much OK with it now as long as I stay "male" outwardly. It was pretty strained when I first came out to him. I know the bible better than almost anybody at my church and they come to me for Bible answers as much as they do the preacher. That helps.

If wearing a dress is code for anything that isn't men's clothing, mine is there with her.  I could not satisfy my wife's demands by wearing leggings and a tunic.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 19, 2020, 03:16:42 am
Rachel, my hairs stood up reading your blog. It is so close to my life. I always knew I was trans, told my mother but she left me with a great fear of discovery. I started puberty at the normal time, but, apart from being strong, I couldn't grow a beard or body hair until much later in life. I experience significant dysphoria, but learned to deal with it by keeping myself insanely busy. I desperately wanted babies, but I wasn't dating, so I married a blind date my mother set up, and had my first of 2 children when I was 25. I struggled with sex, and was very small penis wise.

My wife left me with our 2 children as she said I made her feel inadequate as a mother because I was naturally better at it, so I raised them on my own, and ran my own business. When the kids were grown, I could slow down, and my best friend decided we should marry. She knew I was very maternal, and I thought she had figured I was trans, but she was shocked when I told her. She decided to marry me on condition she would leave me if I transitioned, but at the time, I was determined never to transition, and I really meant it.

We made an uncomfortable arrangement where I could be myself at home to reduce dysphoria, but if anyone ever caught me she would leave. Soon after we married I became unable to perform my sexual duties, as from 50 years old, my already low testosterone, dropped to female levels. I was diagnosed with Hypogonadism, but I wasn't interested in taking T. I feared this would end our marriage, but we went on for over a decade, very happy with our lives. At age 63, my dysphoria started getting stronger and I had periods of depression. I refused to see a therapist, because I knew what the diagnosis would be, and what it would cost me.

By the time I was 65 I was terribly sick from the stress of dysphoria and depression, bedridden, and almost certain I would die. I had mentioned to my doctor that I had Gender Dysphoria, and she referred me to a therapist. The diagnosis took 40 minutes, and was as expected. I was in a bad state when I put my first patch on, and completely cured a week later. I spent a month in euphoria, then realised what was at stake, and told my doctor I couldn't do this to my wife and family. I stopped HRT for a week and got sick again, and my doctor argued that if I died my family would carry guilt. I was in a no win, and my wife said I should continue HRT.

A year later, we divorced, but are still sharing our house. My family struggle to understand but are supportive. I am struggling to accept such a life changing situation I never wanted. I have not been really happy since starting HRT, except that first month of euphoria. I have regularly been badly depressed. I have been living full time for a year, and will have GRS in a little over 2 weeks, hoping that might reduce my life threatening dysphoria. I have no idea if my now ex wife will eventually leave me as she is still uncomfortable with me transitioning. If I could go back to my happy life a few years ago, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't.

To survive I must transition. My life dream was to carry and birth babies, but it could never be, and without that, I will never consider myself a woman. I didn't want to be a trans woman, but that is my lot now. It's not bad, I live comfortably in my community with lots of support, but it's not what I wanted. Sometime we don't really get a choice.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on December 19, 2020, 03:17:21 am
I suppose I knew everything about myself then that I know now.  I didn’t understand that it would grow worse with age.  I didn’t understand that wanting to be a woman was the important desire making me a transsexual.  I didn’t understand that the only recommendation for how to deal with it all would be transitioning.  But, I knew unambiguously that I wanted to be a woman.  And, I knew that when my first wife divorced me, I seriously considered transitioning.  But, I felt it was impossible for me.  And, I thought it would always be impossible for me.  Because, I really thought I would kill myself rather than transition. 

When I met my present wife, I fell so in love that for a couple of years I didn’t have a problem with dysphoria.  It didn’t go away, but it wasn’t a problem.  After we married, I started having a problem with it again.  And, I became extremely depressed.  I decided that I would certainly kill myself, and soon.  But, I asked my wife whether she would rather be the widow of a man that committed suicide, or divorced from a man who committed suicide.  She didn’t want me to commit suicide and insisted that I tell her what was wrong.  I thought that if I did, she would understand and choose one of the two options.  But, she said she loved me, and she didn’t care.

Later, it became obvious that she did love me, but she did care about me being trans. 

So, I didn’t learn anything new about me, but I did learn more about the way dysphoria can become more aggressive.  I didn’t think psychologist could offer any help.  And, I was horrified when (after listening to me, and hearing me ask for coping strategies) psychologist after psychologist said transitioning was the only way I would ever be happy.  I didn’t know that when I married her.

So, I feel guilty for deceiving her, but I did and do love her.  I did want to be with her forever and still do.  And, I was hiding my secret from everyone, and thought I would always be able to do so.  I just expected to be dead, not to tell anyone.
It’s been one of the revelations about Susan’s for me that your story is not so unusual. I think there are others with very similar stories - Emma for one.
I can imagine how that all happened snd how difficult it must be now. Sending lots of hugs. Xxx


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Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 19, 2020, 12:40:18 pm
Quote from: Confused1

I had a traumatic experience as a child I blamed most of my problems on. I believe I am gender fluid, which probably plays a part. Sounds like you may be as well?


I don’t think I am gender fluid at all.  I am very binary.  I simply am not congruent. 

I didn’t suffer any abuse as a child.  I did have something traumatic happen.  When I was 2(according to my mom it was before I turned 3, but close to my 3rd birthday), I had surgery on my penis.  No one prepared me at all for the post operative pain.  No one even attempted to explain what was done or why.  Now, they claim not to remember.  Based on scaring, I believe it was to address hypospadias and perhaps also to address a urethra stricture.  Whatever they did, I woke up feeling alright, and told my mom I needed to pee.  She said to wait while she checked with the nurse, but I didn’t want to lie there and wet the bed, so I got up and went to that restroom.  As I started to pee, the pain was shocking, both because of its intensity and the unexpectedness of it.  I tried and eventually succeed in stopping peeing, but...I still needed to pee.  I had to start again, this time knowing to expect the pain.

When I got done, my mom was standing in the doorway to the bathroom laughing.  I am sure she was laughing because of the way I was literally peeing all over the room trying to cope with the pain, but I have never felt so betrayed in my life.

When I asked why no one had told me what was going to happen, she told me that I wouldn’t remember any of this when I was older.  She said no one remembers stuff that happens at this age.  I asked why, and she said that is just the way it is.  I promised myself NEVER to forget.  I retold the whole story to myself every night, very much the way I just told the story here.  There are more details, but they don’t matter.

I am not that feminine really.  That was socialized out of me.  I remember my dad trying to teach me to walk like a man, because apparently I “swished”.  He basically taught me to stomp.  It was made clear to me that it was important not to act in any way that might be perceived as girly. 

But, I never stopped wanting to BE a girl, to have the body, to live that life.  And, I have often fallen short of the expectations and demands placed on me.  My father doesn’t know (I don’t think) that I am transgender, but I am a huge disappointment as a son.  My dad was a good athlete, a football player.  I was required to be on the team, but I was never a starter.  I didn’t mature like the other boys.  When I was 17, I looked 12.  I hadn’t started puberty.  My voice hadn’t changed.  The other players teased me, asking if my breast were tender and if I shaved my legs. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 19, 2020, 12:53:35 pm
Quote from: Allie Jayne
“Rachel, my hairs stood up reading your blog. It is so close to my life.... I struggled with sex, and was very small penis wise.”

Well, I am sincerely sorry to hear that.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  Well, maybe for a week upon someone who doesn’t make any effort to understand.  But, not for life.

Yeah, the response I just made to Confused1 reminded me how much I hated showering with the football team.  My penis is apparently comically small.  And, of course there was no hair there.  But, my parents said I had to play, and the coach said I had to shower with the team.  So, I survived it.

Quote from: Allie Jayne
“... it's not what I wanted. Sometime we don't really get a choice.”
. Sometimes, no we don’t. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 19, 2020, 01:08:24 pm
Quote from: Pammie
It’s been one of the revelations about Susan’s for me that your story is not so unusual. I think there are others with very similar stories - Emma for one.
I can imagine how that all happened snd how difficult it must be now. Sending lots of hugs. Xxx

Thanks you Pammie for your kind words.  Sadly, I am not the only person ever going through this.  There was a time when I thought my experience was unique, that no one anywhere would be able to relate to it, and that I was alone in the world.  I have come to know that, it’s just not that rare.  If I am alone in this experience in physical reality, the same is not true regarding a larger geographic area. 

It is rare as a percentage of the population, but that is no excuse to pretend we don’t actually exist, or that we are just nut cases who are delusional.  I am not delusional.  My experiences are just less than ideal.   My sexual anatomy doesn’t match my neurological anatomy.  And, that has caused confusion, distress and heartache.  But, I am a survivor.  I didn’t think I could survive this, and now I think I will. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 19, 2020, 09:10:10 pm
I can’t help but be struck by the word “want”.  What do you want?  As, if there was only one definition of want, and I knew which wants were the most important, and that analysis never changed.

I honestly don’t consider my longing to be a woman something that I want.  Whether I satisfy it, or I deprive myself; it is more of a need than a want.  It isn’t a preference, isn’t a choice.  It is a drive.  Is is somewhat of an obsession.  But, I don’t want any part of it.  What I want clearly doesn’t change what I am. 

Each day, I choose to keep going as a male.  I suppose that could change one day.  There really isn’t any going back.  For me, starting HRT would be a bit like jumping out of a plane parachuting.  You don’t jump out and then decide to get back I to the plane.  And, if I start transitioning, I know there would be nothing that I have a say in that would stop me.  I acknowledge that it is that powerful of a need. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 19, 2020, 10:21:07 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
I am so very happy that you took the big step to start your very own personal journey blog thread.   This is not only gives you a place to journal and write out the experiences, expectations, successes and even your not-so-good news in describing your journey, but also I and the rest of your followers will now be able to read your journey writings but also we will be able to find you more easily and drop you a note or comments.

Writing out things about your personal thoughts and comments regarding your transition journey is good personal therapy... it gives you an opportunity to think about what you wrote from your heart, and then to postulate positive actions that you can take to make things better.

I also keep a personal "old school" pen and paper journal at home, complete with colorful doodling and some snapshot photo.  On a cold night I can many times be found on my comfy chair in front of my fireplace reading over my past journal entries... sometimes with rejoicing and sometimes with tears in my eyes... again, it is good personal therapy.

When you report good news, we will rejoice with you and root for your success and happiness.... and when you report not-so-good news we will give you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.

Again, this new journal blog of yours is an important way that you can communicate with yourself and with your avid supporters.

Thank you for sharing....
HUGS and best wishes as you continue on....
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 19, 2020, 10:28:17 pm
Dear Danielle,

Thank you for your encouraging words.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 20, 2020, 01:48:23 am
The more I think about it, it doesn't matter what I want to do.  I can't transition regardless.  I have already crossed the point of no return.  I went through my crossroad without realizing what I was doing.  I have committed my course by a series of personal decisions made over the course of my life that put me in a position where I will never be able to transition.  I doesn't make a bit of difference how unhappy that makes me.  I am trapped in this life.

Well, that was a short Journey.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on December 20, 2020, 05:15:09 am
Hi Rachel,

Relief from dysphoria can take many forms. There is not a one size fits all.

What I have found is that being myself required a lot of sacrifice and change. Not everyone is effected the same so there is not one narrative.

I do know the journey I went on had a very narrow path. When I was able to do a little it just made me want to do something else. When I realized the dysphoria was relieved each step it became something I eased into but it was not easy. There was a lot of sacrifice.

We all have very different situations and you know yours best. There is not judgements, only understanding and friendship.

Rachel
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: SarahEL on December 20, 2020, 06:53:58 am
I doubt there is only one crossroads in anyone's life Rachel M.... we are presented with choices every day of our lives..
12 months ago, transition was 'impossible' for me.. My wife of 30 years, whom I was devoted to, had made it very clear...'Live as a woman, I will divorce you'... I had a teenage daughter, nice home and my own business.. that relied on me (as the only/main employee).. Transition could cost me everything I had worked my entire life to get..
But I was on estrogen because of my medical issues.. I had a severe mental disorder.. suicidal and could only see my future being there for my daughter... I was not living.. I was barely surviving.

I then learn my medical issues stem from my genetics being intersexed (46XX:46XY).. that trauma in my childhood strongly affected my personality and kept me compliant to any oppression.. and most importantly, that my daughter loved me without any conditions.. regardless of how I presented.

So, 12 months on, I have lost many friends, my wife and relationship, my home. I am a single mother aged 50, facing the world alone. Everything I had is gone, or going.. even my worldly goods are being sold.

But.. a few weeks after Xmas me and my daughter move into our own place in the UK.. I am also buying a house in the USA with my boyfriend.. both these people adore me for who I am. I am legally female, my GD is minimal my health improved, my mental state back to the wonderful sharpness and optimistic peak... now, I am looking forward to my future and excited at what that will bring.. and most of all.. I am happy.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on December 20, 2020, 06:55:39 am
I doubt there is only one crossroads in anyone's life Rachel M.... we are presented with choices every day of our lives..
12 months ago, transition was 'impossible' for me.. My wife of 30 years, whom I was devoted to, had made it very clear...'Live as a woman, I will divorce you'... I had a teenage daughter, nice home and my own business.. that relied on me (as the only/main employee).. Transition could cost me everything I had worked my entire life to get..
But I was on estrogen because of my medical issues.. I had a severe mental disorder.. suicidal and could only see my future being there for my daughter... I was not living.. I was barely surviving.

I then learn my medical issues stem from my genetics being intersexed (46XX:46XY).. that trauma in my childhood strongly affected my personality and kept me compliant to any oppression.. and most importantly, that my daughter loved me without any conditions.. regardless of how I presented.

So, 12 months on, I have lost many friends, my wife and relationship, my home. I am a single mother aged 50, facing the world alone. Everything I had is gone, or going.. even my worldly goods are being sold.

But.. a few weeks after Xmas me and my daughter move into our own place in the UK.. I am also buying a house in the USA with my boyfriend.. both these people adore me for who I am. I am legally female, my GD is minimal my health improved, my mental state back to the wonderful sharpness and optimistic peak... now, I am looking forward to my future and excited at what that will bring.. and most of all.. I am happy.
Inspirational - what a heartwarming story! Go you! Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 29, 2020, 01:41:21 pm
OK, so progress report on the diet, the one thing I can do that will be critical to transition, and generally good overall for my health regardless.  The next official weigh in is tomorrow. 

I went off diet Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then back on.  But, I ate Parmesan Chicken, a cheeseburger, and a steak with a loaded baked potato in those two days, as well as chocolate chip cookies, a piece of pecan pie, and several cups of spiked hot cocoa (with Bailey's and Vodka).  I initially gained 3.9lbs, but as of today I am down to 2.6 lbs over my pre-Christmas indulgence weight. 

I plan to drink alcohol on New Years Eve, and then be back on the diet until Valentines.   

I have resolved that I am not powerless.  There are things I can do to try to change my world, to work towards changing the situation to make it possible to some day do what I choose, as opposed to having choices made by circumstance.  Maybe, it isn't as over as it seemed the other day.  I have to try.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 29, 2020, 02:21:54 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel  .....
WOW-WHEE  .... your newest Avatar is terrific... it shows a very beautiful woman!!!!
Thank you for sharing your new photo with me and the rest of your avid followers.

The winter holidays are a very difficult time to try to lose weight... then add in
the Covid issues that keep us at home and less active.  Wishing you well as you
start going on your diet once again after the New Year's celebration.

Yes indeed, you are not powerless...  it is important to think about and ponder your situation...
... and then to postulate solutions and actions that will help you to change things in your life.
What you stated goes right along with the thread and comments in the LINK:
            Positive Mindset... put away negativity (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)

HUGS and many more HUGS.... wishing you success and happiness.
Danielle
   

*****Never give up, never surrender*****
       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fdcIwHKd_s
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 31, 2020, 07:57:50 pm
Happy New Year to everyone. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: ChrissyRyan on December 31, 2020, 07:59:16 pm
A happy year ahead for you too!


Chrissy
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on December 31, 2020, 09:27:12 pm
Hi Rachel, I just discovered your blog and read through it. What a story, and I feel for you in your feelings of helplessness. I can't offer any advice, just my own story. I'm glad that at least you are feeling better recently.

And I love your new avatar photo. Wow, I wish I could look that good!
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 31, 2020, 11:06:18 pm
Quote from: RandyL
And I love your new avatar photo. Wow, I wish I could look that good!

Me too.  I love it and I too wish I could look that good. 

I am not “out”.  That is only sort of me.  I don’t think it would be wise to post an actual photo someone might identify as my present self.  The photo is me as FaceApp thinks I would look as a woman.  The nose is mine (but a little smaller than mine.  I would need a brow shave, chin reduction, nose job and perhaps (not sure) cheek implants.  But, the mouth and eyes are mine. 

I am not trying to fool anyone into thinking I am actually that feminine.  And, I hope no one thinks I am dishonest.  It does look like I hope to look.  And, I see myself in it.  But, I’d be delighted to actually look like that.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: SarahEL on January 01, 2021, 07:44:32 am
Me too.  I love it and I too wish I could look that good. 

I am not “out”.  That is only sort of me.  I don’t think it would be wise to post an actual photo someone might identify as my present self.  The photo is me as FaceApp thinks I would look as a woman.  The nose is mine (but a little smaller than mine.  I would need a brow shave, chin reduction, nose job and perhaps (not sure) cheek implants.  But, the mouth and eyes are mine. 

I am not trying to fool anyone into thinking I am actually that feminine.  And, I hope no one thinks I am dishonest.  It does look like I hope to look.  And, I see myself in it.  But, I’d be delighted to actually look like that.

Well, being privileged in seeing a photo of you in real life... I can say that I don't think you need half of that.. You look beautiful as the real you... Have a good New Year Rachel.

(and to just answer your question to me on Pammies blog: - There are still travel restriction between the UK and USA.. and so it probably will not halt it any, I was planning on going to the USA around March/April.. it looks like that is still on the cards!!)..
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 01, 2021, 06:05:52 pm
Well, being privileged in seeing a photo of you in real life... I can say that I don't think you need half of that.. You look beautiful as the real you... Have a good New Year Rachel.

Thank you.  That is sweet of you to say. 

That said, I want a brow shave.  I have seen a lot of women with brows no more significant than mine, but it would be feminizing to get.  My chin might be alright.  I will have to lose more weight to know about that.  But, I plan to lose more. 

The nose?  I can camouflage that with contouring makeup, but I am no pro at that.  I don’t get enough practice.  I understand the idea of lightening the part you want to emphasize and shadowing the part you want to narrow.  I don’t dislike my nose, except that it is wider than ideal.  I don’t suppose it is critical to passing.  Altogether, I don’t hate the way I look when I do my hair and makeup.  I much prefer it to my normal presentation.  I would describe my feminine self as looking average and sweet, more cute than either pretty or sexy, and like someone who has seen me wearing everything, I look like someone’s mom.  That was validating.  I sort of am someone’s mom.  Well, at least step mom.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on January 03, 2021, 08:41:08 am
Hi Rachel,

If you are going to have the brow ridge worked on you may want to consider opening up the orbitals too. I went to Dr. Spiegel and originally thought he would be the best option for me. Now having retrospect I think other surgeons may have offered me different outcomes. Perhaps going to different surgeons for different parts of the face would have been best.

I definitely would have done FFS in two to three phases. Having had jaw contouring I would think long and hard on having that again 9 I do think ithealped but not to the degree I thought it would). I definitely would have a face lift 6 months after FFS and not with FFS (I was warned). I will be having another face lift in the future at some point.

My lips and nose are awesome as well as the under eyes. Forehead is fine. I just think the jaw contouring was extremely painful post op and I wonder how much I gained from the experience. I definitely would have added opening up the orbitals. 

I think reasonable outcome expectations and doing FFS in steps is a healthier way to approach the issue. Doing a large amount of FFS is definitely taxing on your system. One thing to consider is the more aggressive the procedure the more potential for complications. I do not know what complications I avoided in having FFS to the degree I had it (which was extensive but not super aggressive).

Rachel   
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 03, 2021, 05:39:29 pm
Well, you look great.  I would like the orbital opened a bit.  Maybe I don’t need the chin surgery?

Anyone who loses as much weight as you did will probably need some skin removed.  I can tell that if I get to my goal weight, some of that is in store for me.

What did you do under your eyes?  Mine have some bags and darkness under them.  I can pretty much hide it with makeup, but the puffiness and hollowness is certainly there to be noticed if someone looks closely.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 11, 2021, 03:28:20 pm
Diet Progress Report:

I now weigh 280, down from 325.  That is good.

I really need to lose another 55 lbs, and it would be good to lose another 100 if I can.

All of my feminine cloths are too big now.  I am not sure what size I am.  Maybe a size 24?  My bras are probably too large in the band as well.  I might need to go down in band size and up in cup size to accommodate my prosthetics.  I wish Covid didn't make it nearly impossible to find alone time to try some things on.

My wife asked me a couple of days ago how much weight I wanted to lose.  I told her it would be nice to get to a size 8, and she got mad at me.  It was an honest answer.  She responded that there is no men's size 8, to which I responded that I knew.  I don't care how big I am as a man.  That is how I got so large to begin with (not caring how big I am as a man).
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on January 12, 2021, 12:55:49 am
Rachel, that's great progress on your weight loss! You can feel good about that, no matter your eventual goals.

As for sizes, that is complicated even if you get the weight off. I'm an 8 on the bottom and a 14 up top due to my shoulders. A friend told me she uses a tailor to get her clothes to fit right (yes, even for a cis woman!). I may try that route too.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 16, 2021, 05:39:02 pm
My wife and I were talking about my weight loss, and it’s effects on my face.  I have wrinkles I never had before, and I am obsessing about that.  She suggested that I go to a spa, saying that men go to the spa too and mentioning a former pro football player who goes to her spa.  Anyway, I suggested that for Valentine’s, we could do a spa day together.  She liked the idea. 

She is also encouraging me to get a mani-pedi.  It’s not transitioning, but it is something.  It’s very different from hunting to seem a “regular guy”. 

I went to the local Ulta the other day and purchased a facial scrub, some face cream and eye cream.  I use it twice a day (after morning shower and before bed).  What I purchased is “Clinic”.  It is for rosacea (which I seem to have).  It has a green tint to it, which makes the redness seem more pale.  So, I guess I am wearing makeup in my everyday life.

I am essentially trying to find things that I can do that will hopefully reduce dysphoria. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 16, 2021, 05:44:10 pm
Oh, I forgot to mention, I have an appointment with a new psychologist on Monday.  I have been able to get in touch with my last one since November, and I am giving up on her.  I like her, but I need to talk to someone soon. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: ChrissyRyan on January 16, 2021, 05:51:39 pm
Terrific news!

I hear that many Target stores will have Ulta mini-shops in them in the cosmetic area and that many Kohl’s stores will have Sephora cosmetics in even larger mini-stores near the front of the Kohl’s stores.

I like the NEUTROGENA brand facial exfoliant and makeup remover.

Keep up your great progress Rachel!  And yes, do make a visit to a spa.  It can be so refreshing.  The hand massages are great too.

Good luck with your new psychologist too!

Chrissy
 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on January 16, 2021, 07:18:06 pm
I had a blethoplasty. It opens up the lower eye lid and removes the fat pad and excess skin. I had some chin work too. He liked my chin the way it was and evened it out.

I take 2 scoops of hydrolyzed fish collagen a day.  It helps with hair, nails and skin.

When you loose a lot of weight and are older your skin will sag for a while. It will tighten a bit. Sometimes insurance covers its removal if a doctor states you get infections from the folding of the skin trapping moisture and bacteria.

I was 327 pounds when I stopped weighing myself on the loading dock scale at work because guys would laugh at me and make fun. That was 222 years ago. I usually an at 170 to 175 but I am 160-165 right now because I was sick.

It took me years to post a pic here.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Laura1951 on January 16, 2021, 07:42:40 pm
Dear @Rachel Montgomery,

Having just discovered your blog, i raced through all your entries to catch up on your life. BTW, Danielle is right about chronicling your thoughts. I keep my journaling to the written page, as i can type at the speed of my inner dialogue. If i were physically writing, i'd lose the story i was trying to tell.

I'm sad for you. Like so many other married MTFs who hid their authentic selves, you're now backed into a corner with your marriage. Discarding one part makes you miserable in the other part. It's a no-win situation, although some people here have found compromise. Others have sacrificed transitioning to make everyone happy, usually requiring persona sacrifice.

Of course, you know how common it is for these transition feelings, after being pent up for too long, to eventually explode outward. Your journey is yours though. Only you know what is possible, how great the need is, and what you're willing to sacrifice to become authentic.

Most of us have lived in fear, as i have. I was TOO scared to tell anyone when i was 12, feeling i'd be shamed as you were. The terror of being found out forced me to lock away all feelings for 50 years. Oh, how i wish i lived in a confirming environment back then.

I didn't though. Nor did you and you've paid a great mental and physical price. Transitioning in your 60s is less fun. Our friends, family, and work associates have known our male selves for years, if not decades. Testosterone has had ample time to do its damage to our bodies, making it harder to become passible. so we do FFS, which helps a bit. I still see <deadname> in the mirror, but then i've been conditioned to see <deadname> my whole life.

what i hope to share with you is that you're among friends, that your blog is an important window, both for us and for you, so i hope you keep letting the thoughts flow out.

Laura
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 16, 2021, 10:50:06 pm
I had a blethoplasty. It opens up the lower eye lid and removes the fat pad and excess skin. I had some chin work too. He liked my chin the way it was and evened it out.

I could probably benefit from that.  I guess I should lose whatever weight I plan to first?

Quote
I take 2 scoops of hydrolyzed fish collagen a day.  It helps with hair, nails and skin.
Where do you get that?  Online?  Sam’s?


Quote
I was 327 pounds when I stopped weighing myself on the loading dock scale at work because guys would laugh at me and make fun. That was 222 years ago.

222 years ago!?  Are you immortal?
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 16, 2021, 11:13:33 pm
Dear @Rachel Montgomery,

Having just discovered your blog, i raced through all your entries to catch up on your life.

Wow!  I am honored.  Thank you for spending time to try to understand me.

Quote
I'm sad for you. Like so many other married MTFs who hid their authentic selves, you're now backed into a corner with your marriage. Discarding one part makes you miserable in the other part. It's a no-win situation, although some people here have found compromise. Others have sacrificed transitioning to make everyone happy, usually requiring persona sacrifice.

Well, I don’t really feel sorry for myself.  I am a little angry and very disappointed.

I should have been brave enough to be honest about who I was.  But, I was just a kid at first.  And, then it sort of snowballed on me.  Sunk cost, telling myself it was too late and I had invested too much into who the world saw me as being.  And, shame.  I did feel a significant amount of shame from a very early age.  I was way too young to have to deal with that.

Quote
Of course, you know how common it is for these transition feelings, after being pent up for too long, to eventually explode outward.

I was unaware of that until recently, I only discovered that about 5 years ago.  And, I didn’t really understand what it was like until, well the last few months.  Reading Emma’s blog has been eyes opening.  And, an older friend of mine from another website made it 70 years before it became too much.  So, she is separated from her wife and has transitioned.  She had to move from Alabama.  Her landlord “trespassed” her from her own apartment because she is trans.  That legally would not have held, and the manager was fired by the owner company.  But, the damage was done.  She didn’t want to live in that town any longer.

Quote
Most of us have lived in fear, as i have. I was TOO scared to tell anyone when i was 12, feeling i'd be shamed as you were. The terror of being found out forced me to lock away all feelings for 50 years. Oh, how i wish i lived in a confirming environment back then.

I try not to think about that.  The prospect of electro shock therapy was just something I couldn’t put myself through. 

Quote
I still see <deadname> in the mirror, but then i've been conditioned to see <deadname> my whole life.

It is surreal, but I don’t.  I look in the mirror and no longer recognize myself.  It’s the weight loss.

I wish I saw a woman looking back, but..it’s just some familiar looking stranger that bears a striking family resemblance.

Quote
what i hope to share with you is that you're among friends, that your blog is an important window, both for us and for you, so i hope you keep letting the thoughts flow out.

Laura

Thanks.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 17, 2021, 03:23:19 pm
My wife and I went today to have pedicures.  I also had a manicure.

I was in full male mode, but it wasn’t as awkward as I expected.  Wow, the woman who did mine had strong hands!  I wonder how different our Spa day will be in February?  We will get facials and massages. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: ChrissyRyan on January 17, 2021, 06:36:05 pm
My wife and I went today to have pedicures.  I also had a manicure.

I was in full male mode, but it wasn’t as awkward as I expected.  Wow, the woman who did mine had strong hands!  I wonder how different our Spa day will be in February?  We will get facials and massages.

Facials are nice!

Chrissy
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 17, 2021, 06:41:53 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Sounds like a wonderful time that you had with your wife....  pedicures and manicures are so relaxing and also so  affirming.   Did you get your nails painted?  Fingers and toes?   Pictures? ???

You will enjoy your spa day.   Please keep us all updated. 
Thank you for sharing with me and the rest of your followers.

HUGS,
Danielle



My wife and I went today to have pedicures.  I also had a manicure.

I was in full male mode, but it wasn’t as awkward as I expected.  Wow, the woman who did mine had strong hands!  I wonder how different our Spa day will be in February?  We will get facials and massages.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 17, 2021, 07:39:24 pm
No polish for me.  She had gel polish put on her toes.  I went presenting as a man, and was treated accordingly.  They were nice and respectful, but in all ways treated me like a man. 

My feet are sooo soft. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 18, 2021, 11:32:07 am
The hospital called today.  My wife’s surgery has been canceled.  All to the beds are filled with Covid patients.  They don’t know when she can reschedule.  We really want the tumor removed before it metastasis (if it hasn’t already). 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 18, 2021, 12:33:01 pm
The hospital called today.  My wife’s surgery has been canceled.  All to the beds are filled with Covid patients.  They don’t know when she can reschedule.  We really want the tumor removed before it metastasis (if it hasn’t already).

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Reading what you wrote regarding your wife's delay in getting needed surgery makes me very upset on her belhalf and other medical patients that need and require immediate access to surgeries and other procedures.   

As I communicate with a lot of my friends around the USA (and elsewhere) I have found that there are some areas of the country that are inundated with Covid patients like where you live ... and there are some areas and states that are not, and are going ahead with providing elective surgeries and procedures in a timely manner.

What really disturbs me is how can anyone say that your wife's situation is non-essential and that she will have to wait? ???

My heart hurts for you and your wife as you experience these delays that can have a big impact on your wife's health.   I hope, trust and pray that she can get scheduled soon for the medical assistance that is needed. 
Please let her know that she has been added to my prayer list with my weekly Bible Study group.


Many HUGS and best wishes....     :icon_flower:
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 18, 2021, 09:46:37 pm
Northern Star Girl, Thank you for your concern.

I am obsessing about it (as I tend to do when I worry), but I need to act somewhat nonchalant, or it will drive her crazy.  She doesn’t want to hear about it, and she doesn’t want to see me upset about it.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 20, 2021, 11:50:08 am
I had my first meeting with my new therapist (she isn't a psychologist, but has a Phd. in counseling).  She seems nice.  Most of the first meeting was paperwork and getting familiar with each other. 

My weight loss has stalled (perhaps in part due to that cheeseburger and fries Monday night).  I only lost 0.2 lbs since last week, and actually weigh just a little more than last Thursday.  But, I am re-focused on my diet and exercise plan, and hope to lose two pounds or more in the next week. We'll see.
 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Laura1951 on January 20, 2021, 12:10:59 pm
Weight loss is a long-term struggle. For the past few years, I've kept a spreadsheet where each Tuesday morning, I weigh myself and log the number. It helps me celebrate progress while providing guilt when I've cheated. LOL. Keep up the faith.

Laura
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on January 20, 2021, 02:55:49 pm
Rachel, I'm sorry your wife's surgery is delayed. I hope the tumor remains contained until it can be removed.

I weigh myself daily, not to obsess but just to see how it fluctuates. It can vary by several pounds depending on my hydration and bowels. So I don't worry about a change unless it persists over several days.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 20, 2021, 03:43:29 pm
Rachel, I'm sorry your wife's surgery is delayed. I hope the tumor remains contained until it can be removed.

I weigh myself daily, not to obsess but just to see how it fluctuates. It can vary by several pounds depending on my hydration and bowels. So I don't worry about a change unless it persists over several days.

It has been fairly steady since Saturday.  But, like I said, I ate some things that were not on the diet, and I knew it.  I think if I follow the script, the weight will come off over the next week.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 26, 2021, 11:58:14 am
I am proud to report that I have now lost more than 50 lbs. 

On the down side, none of my women's clothing will fit me now.  I think the bras will even be too large (band size).  All of the prosthetics should still be fine, though I may go from a C to a D cup, in going down in band size.  I'll have to check that.  Eventually, if I keep losing weight, my boobs will look too large for me, and I will have to get some smaller one's.

Now, I just need to find the time to get some accurate measurements with everything on, so I can start making guesses about sizes.  I am thinking I will be in the size 22W-24W range.  Based on my estimates, I might need a 24 for my top and a 22 for my jeans/leggings. 

And, I have to work out how to get them delivered.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 26, 2021, 12:11:58 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Hey girl, this is ALL good news....   losing 50 pounds!!!!  A big accomplishment that took immense willpower and personal determination...   Kudos to you. :icon_pelvic_thrust2:

... and the other problem of all of your women's clothing being too big and not fitting correctly, well now, that is a wonderful problem to have in my opinion.

Again, great news that you reported...
Wishing you well as always.

HUGS,
Danielle


I am proud to report that I have now lost more than 50 lbs. 

On the down side, none of my women's clothing will fit me now.  I think the bras will even be too large (band size).  All of the prosthetics should still be fine, though I may go from a C to a D cup, in going down in band size.  I'll have to check that.  Eventually, if I keep losing weight, my boobs will look too large for me, and I will have to get some smaller one's.

Now, I just need to find the time to get some accurate measurements with everything on, so I can start making guesses about sizes.  I am thinking I will be in the size 22W-24W range.  Based on my estimates, I might need a 24 for my top and a 22 for my jeans/leggings. 

And, I have to work out how to get them delivered.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on January 26, 2021, 12:58:16 pm
I am proud to report that I have now lost more than 50 lbs. 

On the down side, none of my women's clothing will fit me now.  I think the bras will even be too large (band size).  All of the prosthetics should still be fine, though I may go from a C to a D cup, in going down in band size.  I'll have to check that.  Eventually, if I keep losing weight, my boobs will look too large for me, and I will have to get some smaller one's.

Now, I just need to find the time to get some accurate measurements with everything on, so I can start making guesses about sizes.  I am thinking I will be in the size 22W-24W range.  Based on my estimates, I might need a 24 for my top and a 22 for my jeans/leggings. 

And, I have to work out how to get them delivered.
Well done!


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Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on January 26, 2021, 04:01:53 pm
Rachel, that's super! It takes real determination and persistence to achieve what you have done. Way to go!

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 01, 2021, 11:56:31 pm
I never wanted to be trans.  I have always blamed my being transgender for the problems in my life.  I thought it was a sin.  I thought it was wrong.  I thought it wasn’t “true”; not that I wasn’t feeling it, but that the true reality was that I was a boy or a man, and I was somehow indulging in a fantasy that both drew me in and destroyed me.  “quod me nutrit me destruit”. 

But, I am now convinced that my <transgender> is the result of hormone levels during development.  As I contemplate the situation, what has caused the serious damage in my life isn’t my being transgender.  It is my family’s intolerance and bigotry; their transphobia, which I internalized.  I hated myself because I judged myself by their wrong standards.  And, it isn’t just my family; it is true of most people (at least where I live). 

So, what now?  I am in my late 50’s.  I am married to a woman that I love, and want to spend the rest of my life with.  I really do love her.  But, I am afraid she doesn’t really love “me”.  She loves the guy she thought that she married, not the transwoman to whom she is married.  Maybe she actually loves me.  I don’t know.  But, she hasn’t accepted this important aspect of who I am.  She has accepted the fact of it, but not the consequences that flow naturally from the fact.

How do I best manage this situation?  Do I destroy the life I built on deception?  Or, do I make the best I can of it?

The part about destroying my life isn’t an exaggeration.  I now know it didn’t have to be this way.  I think I could have been happier, and at least not spent my whole life building a house of cards.  I could have built a life for myself as a woman.

But, I cannot go back and do it differently.  I can only move forward from where I am.  The question too many of us find ourselves asking after spending much of our lives building families, and careers and whatever: “which hurts less”, indeed?
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on February 02, 2021, 12:14:04 am
Rachel, this is a difficult conundrum you find yourself in. If you think you can actually pull off living a successful life (however you define it) either way, then yes you have a heavy choice to make.

In my own case it became clear that I would probably commit suicide if I tried to suppress my transgender nature. The difficult choice for me was to finally admit what I was truly feeling and to recognize that I couldn't suppress it indefinitely. I couldn't be a good partner for my wife no matter which way I decided.

I wish you all the best as you grapple with this. Hugs, Randy

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Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 02, 2021, 11:26:58 am
Ok.  My wife has been dropped off for her scheduled surgery.  It will happen some time this afternoon.  They are allowing 1 visitor from 5-7PM.  They won’t let me in right now, not even to sit in a waiting room (Covid-19 precautions). 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 02, 2021, 12:27:26 pm
Ok.  My wife has been dropped off for her scheduled surgery.  It will happen some time this afternoon.  They are allowing 1 visitor from 5-7PM.  They won’t let me in right now, not even to sit in a waiting room (Covid-19 precautions).

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
I wish for your wife, safety and a successful surgery... and a quick healing.  How many days will she be in the hospital? ???
This Covid thing really creates a lot of difficulty as you mentioned... you can't go into the hospital with her, and you can't even wait in the waiting room....  at least you both have cell phones and can Face-Time with each other....   consider that a blessing.

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 02, 2021, 01:22:19 pm
Thank you Danielle, you are kind.  We know she will spend at least one night.  Then, depending on the management of calcium levels or something unusual, maybe longer.  I am expecting to bring her home tomorrow.  I’ll be disappointed if that doesn’t happen. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 02, 2021, 04:35:08 pm
She is out of surgery and reportedly doing well.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 02, 2021, 04:47:20 pm
She is out of surgery and reportedly doing well.

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel: 

Thank you for updating ....   
I hope that you will be able to visit her tonight before visiting hours end.

HUGS, and my best wishes to you and your wife...
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 02, 2021, 09:09:26 pm
I was able to visit her for about 2 hours.  She seems to be in some pain, and has difficulty talking, but the doctor says she did well and her voice will return to normal within 2 weeks. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 02, 2021, 09:25:05 pm
I was able to visit her for about 2 hours.  She seems to be in some pain, and has difficulty talking, but the doctor says she did well and her voice will return to normal within 2 weeks.
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Thank you for posting your update.  I am so very glad that you were able to visit with your wife tonight right after her surgery.

I pray, hope and trust that her healing will be quick and successful. 
Again, thank you for your update.

HUGS, and blessings to you and yours.
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: EllenW on February 03, 2021, 11:20:50 am
I was able to visit her for about 2 hours.  She seems to be in some pain, and has difficulty talking, but the doctor says she did well and her voice will return to normal within 2 weeks.
Rachel
Happy to hear the good news. I hope you will me able to bring her home soon so you can take care of her and show her how much you love her.

Ellen
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 03, 2021, 12:31:47 pm
Just got her home.  She is in bed.  I made her some mashed potatoes.  She doesn’t want anything more solid than that.  I will stay with her today, and if she feels good about I will go back to work tomorrow.

Reading now about aftercare.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 03, 2021, 12:40:50 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
I am very happy to read your good report ...   thank you for sharing....

:icon_flower:    :icon_flower:    :icon_flower:    :icon_flower:    :icon_flower:

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle


Just got her home.  She is in bed.  I made her some mashed potatoes.  She doesn’t want anything more solid than that.  I will stay with her today, and if she feels good about I will go back to work tomorrow.

Reading now about aftercare.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 18, 2021, 07:59:57 pm
It has been a couple of weeks since I posted to this blog.  So, what has been going on?

Work is boring, but ongoing.  Nothing to report there.

My wife is still recovering from her surgery.  There was a complication, but she is generally well.

I am more dysphoric than I have been in the past few years.  I don’t have any idea what makes it rise and fall, but it is high right now.

I have lost more than 60lbs since Labor Day.  Yay!  None of my clothes fit (well, the shoes are fine. :) ).  So, I have undertaken buying two new wardrobes.  Obviously, I won’t get that many chances to cross dress (is that what I do every day, and am I NOT cross dressing when I dress as Rachel?).  I don’t get much time to just be Rachel.

But, new clothes that (I hope) will fit are on the way.  Ankle boots, skinny jeans, leggings, intimates, etc..  I am excited about them coming.  And, my counselor just had a baby and will be doing sessions remotely (Zoom and FaceTime).  So, maybe I will do a few online sessions wearing my cute new clothes. 

I only went out in public dressed as a woman at Halloween.  I would be worried about being in a traffic accident or being pulled over on the way to the office.  But, online seems safe.  I could get walked in on, but very unlikely.  It feels like a safe step forward.  I think I should do it.  I think I will.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Laura1951 on February 19, 2021, 09:52:33 am
Dear @Rachel Montgomery,

I read with sadness your last post because i can identify with your feelings. While my ex-wife never knew of my transness because it was tightly locked away, i did date someone afterwards who knew about Laura. Like your wife, she was ok as long as i never expressed my true self or restarted HRT. Those were the conditions of staying together.

It was a devil's compromise, one that tormented me the duration of our relationship. Like you, i felt tortured at times, sometimes being too great to bear. The compromise was one sided though. I could love her and be loved in return if i sacrificed this core part of me. There was no middle ground, no chance for Laura to breathe in the relationship.

Which is what doomed the relationship in the end. While i loved my girlfriend, i couldn't keep Laura in the closet any longer. She yearned to be free and while I really wanted Laura and my girlfriend to co-exist, the ultimatum was that if Laura came out, the relationship would be over.

And so it ended. Sadly. I crashed and burned for several weeks, wanting desperately to have my girlfriend's love, but unable to discard Laura in return.

The one bright light from that time was that i gathered the courage to come out to a good tennis friend, the first person who would learn of Laura and, in return, gained a best friend, one who has become my greatest supporter. She is Person One.

I don't know where you're headed but i understand your agony. i'm rooting for you and hope you'll find your peace.

Laura
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 19, 2021, 01:16:34 pm
Thank you.  I am sorry about your relationship losses.  I would dearly love to be my wife’s wife, but that will never happen.  And, I’d love to go to my therapy sessions as Rachel, but if anything happened (traffic ticket, car accident, random bumping into someone I know), my marriage would come to an abrupt end.  She works at the hospital, and many of our friends a police officers.  It’s a small town (well, a small city that lives like a village).  There would be talk and it would get back to her.

My dysphoria is worse sometimes than others.  I don’t know why.  But, that is a negative way to look at it and Northern Star Girl would not approach it that way, it is also “better” sometimes than others; always there but not always causing any particular preoccupying of my attention. 

I have held various theories as to why it rises and falls.  *One was external stress, but after much self analysis, that didn’t hold up.  I am not particularly stressed by life right now, and I am still having problems with dysphoria.  *Another idea was hormonal levels.  But, I get my T and E checked every 6 months because of an endocrine failure of my pituitary, and sometimes when T is low I get dysphoria.  Sometimes when it is high I get dysphoria.  And, my E levels are under control (even if I have to take anastrizol to keep it down.  So, that doesn’t seem to be it.

I was tempted to think it was a matter of being less busy.  When I am very preoccupied with survival, I tend not to worry about it ( :) ).  But, while that is true, I can’t live from now on under the sort of stress that survival mode creates.

One of the reasons I want to take up flying now (not that I haven’t always wanted to be a pilot) is to focus on that, distracting me from my gender.  But, the FAA is slow.  Particularly so since Covid.  I applied for my airman medical in November and haven’t heard from them yet.  I did call, and they claimed it was entered into their system in December, and they would get to it in the order it was received.  Well, OK.  It’s been more than two months since then. 

So, anyway.  Excited about the new clothes.  Hope they fit.  I am guessing my size based on a measurement tape and their size guides, which doesn’t always get great results.  The bra size formula doesn’t work at all.  I think I am probably a 44D (with my silicone).  I had been a 48 C before the diet.  But, my bust (with prosthetics) is 55”, which is supposedly a lot bigger than D.  Still looks D’ish to me.  We’ll see. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on February 19, 2021, 06:18:51 pm
Hi Rachel, I'm sorry you're going through higher dysphoria right now. I hope the new clothes will fit well and can give you some joy. Hugs, Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 22, 2021, 09:05:33 pm
An interesting article.  I can’t post a link, so:  look up “Attack of the Six-Foot Woman”
by Hannah Walhout
Feb 11, 2021
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on February 23, 2021, 12:10:39 am
An interesting article.  I can’t post a link, so:  look up “Attack of the Six-Foot Woman”
by Hannah Walhout
Feb 11, 2021
Here's a link to the article. https://catapult.co/stories/attack-of-the-six-foot-woman_hannah_walhout_50_foot_woman_body_horror_tall_girl

It's an interesting read. It's unfortunate that tall girls and women feel that there is anything wrong with their bodies. Personally I think tall women are great, and not in a fetishizing way. I will be a 6'2" woman.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 23, 2021, 07:17:39 am
I am 6’1”, so The article have me a glimpse at life for a GG my height.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 24, 2021, 05:24:30 pm
Some of the clothes arrived.  It is confirmed, I am a size 22W.  A couple of years ago I was a 30W.   And at the end of this past summer I was still a 28W. 

I know I am still a big girl, but that seems like significant loss to me and I am happy about it.  I’d love to be an 18 by summer.  Probably won’t happen.   We’ll see.  I didn’t think I would make it to a 22.  I thought probably 24 at best. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 24, 2021, 05:30:10 pm
Some of the clothes arrived.  It is confirmed, I am a size 22W.  A couple of years ago I was a 30W.   And at the end of this past summer I was still a 28W. 

I know I am still a big girl, but that seems like significant loss to me and I am happy about it.  I’d love to be an 18 by summer.  Probably won’t happen.   We’ll see.  I didn’t think I would make it to a 22.  I thought probably 24 at best.

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Please don't dismiss the progress you are making.  Weight loss can be a frustratingly slow process that require patience, determination, and willpower.   As you lose weight and see the results you will get more motivation to continue on to your goal.

***Pictures of your new clothes ????

It is a lot like climbing a mountain, you can't do it all at once, but you have to address it as "one step at a time"

HUGS and best wishes to you... please keep us all updated.
More HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on February 24, 2021, 10:24:41 pm
Rachel, you are a strong woman to get down from 30 to 22. That is amazing. No matter how far you get after this, it is a great accomplishment.

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Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: mm on February 24, 2021, 11:08:40 pm
Rachel, you are doing great losing all that weight.  Good luck losing all you intend to lose.  I know it is not easy.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 25, 2021, 08:49:33 am
Thank you all.  I didn’t think I was fishing for a complement, but I am proud of my progress.  Losing weight to reach a particular dress size is new to me, and for a first try it is working particularly well.   I don’t think I have ever lost close to this much before.  I think my prior best was about 40lbs.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Emma1017 on February 25, 2021, 09:00:49 am

Rachel never feel like you are fishing for a compliment.  The people here are the best because they care.  We are all victims and the hugs and support help us get through those really dark moments. 

You deserve the pat on the back!  Progress is so important and sometimes we are our own worst enemy.  We attack ourselves all the time.  We need others to defend us.

Congratulations on the weight loss.  That is tremendous!!!!


Hugs,

Emma


 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 25, 2021, 08:29:58 pm
Thank you Emma.  You are sweet.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Sephirah on February 27, 2021, 05:01:00 pm
Sorry for poking my nose in here, but... Rachel, I'd like to point you to one of my icons in life.

Her name is Floor Jansen. She's the lead vocalist for the Symphonic Metal band Nightwish. She's 6'1" tall. And she owns it like no one I've ever seen. She has the nickname "The Valkyrie". And, well, she kinda looks like you (from your avatar picture, anyway).

(https://photos.bandsintown.com/large/9469139.jpeg)

Massive congratulations on losing weight, sweetie. That is no mean feat, and something you should be very proud of.

*megahuggles*
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on February 27, 2021, 06:34:00 pm
Hello Rachel,

Congratulations on the weight loss, no small feat.

I am 6'1" too. I learned that clothing can help with proportion.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 27, 2021, 09:37:42 pm
I wish I was out enough to have a female help me pick our clothes that flatter me.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 27, 2021, 09:43:46 pm
Sorry for poking my nose in here, but... Rachel, I'd like to point you to one of my icons in life.

Her name is Floor Jansen. She's the lead vocalist for the Symphonic Metal band Nightwish. She's 6'1" tall. And she owns it like no one I've ever seen. She has the nickname "The Valkyrie". And, well, she kinda looks like you (from your avatar picture, anyway).

(https://photos.bandsintown.com/large/9469139.jpeg)

Massive congratulations on losing weight, sweetie. That is no mean feat, and something you should be very proud of.

*megahuggles*

Thanks.  My first impression was, I don’t see the resemblance.  Then, I started breaking the comparison down element by element. 

Hair, no.

Eyes—-yes actually.
Nose—sort of, yes.
Mouth—maybe not quite.  My mouth is smaller, whether it looks that way in the avatar or not.  And, I am clearly heavier, and my face is fuller in the chin area.  But, I can see the resemblance you were noticing. 

Cool.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on February 27, 2021, 11:33:44 pm
Sorry for poking my nose in here, but... Rachel, I'd like to point you to one of my icons in life.

Her name is Floor Jansen. She's the lead vocalist for the Symphonic Metal band Nightwish. She's 6'1" tall. And she owns it like no one I've ever seen. She has the nickname "The Valkyrie". And, well, she kinda looks like you (from your avatar picture, anyway).

(https://photos.bandsintown.com/large/9469139.jpeg)

Massive congratulations on losing weight, sweetie. That is no mean feat, and something you should be very proud of.

*megahuggles*
Thanks for introducing me to Floor Jansen and Nightwish, Sephirah. I listened to some of their music on Youtube and liked it. She's an amazing singer -- 3 octaves!

I finally found a scene where she stood with the whole band for bows, and she's the tallest by a couple of inches. And like you said, she owns it. Inspirational!
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: ChrissyRyan on March 20, 2021, 03:40:01 pm
Rachel,

We hope you are doing well! 


Chrissy
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on April 02, 2021, 04:41:49 pm
I am fine. 

I got the J&J vaccine yesterday.  No side effects yet.  My arm isn’t even sore.

I wish I had a chance to wear my new clothes.  Maybe soon.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: ChrissyRyan on April 02, 2021, 05:02:52 pm
I am fine. 

I got the J&J vaccine yesterday.  No side effects yet.  My arm isn’t even sore.

I wish I had a chance to wear my new clothes.  Maybe soon.

Rachel,


Nice to hear from you.

I am glad you got a vaccine.

I hope you have a chance to wear your new clothes.  That will be nice.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on April 04, 2021, 06:15:35 pm
The good news, I did get to wear my new clothes.  In fact, I am wearing them now.

The bad news, they don't fit right...they're loose.  I mean, they sort of fit, but not the way they were supposed to.  Not the way they did a month ago when I bought them and tried them on.

So, I am not sure whether to order more clothes, or wait until my weight stabilizes.  This could get expensive.  I am leaning towards "wait".  Less than 25 lbs to go to my ultimate goal, I have lost over 75 lbs since Labor Day.  But, I think I need to take some time off to let my skin shrink to fit (to the extent that it will).

I am glad loosing weight doesn't effect shoe size (at least, not so far in my case). :)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on April 04, 2021, 06:33:59 pm
The good news, I did get to wear my new clothes.  In fact, I am wearing them now.

The bad news, they don't fit right...they're loose.  I mean, they sort of fit, but not the way they were supposed to.  Not the way they did a month ago when I bought them and tried them on.

So, I am not sure whether to order more clothes, or wait until my weight stabilizes.  This could get expensive.  I am leaning towards "wait".  Less than 25 lbs to go to my ultimate goal, I have lost over 75 lbs since Labor Day.  But, I think I need to take some time off to let my skin shrink to fit (to the extent that it will).

I am glad loosing weight doesn't effect shoe size (at least, not so far in my case). :)
Rachel, your "bad news" sounds like good news to me, although I do understand your unhappiness that the clothes don't fit right now. Yet another area where we need patience, and that is so hard!

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on April 04, 2021, 06:40:48 pm
Rachel, your "bad news" sounds like good news to me, although I do understand your unhappiness that the clothes don't fit right now. Yet another area where we need patience, and that is so hard!

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Yeah.  I get so few chances to wear my clothes, and I like to make the absolute most of them.  I am basically going through the whole wardrobe and trying different combinations.

Anyway, it feels so nice.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 05, 2021, 12:47:15 am
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Thank you for your recent updates and postings.   I can attest to your desire for new clothing, I find it difficult to resist regularly and frequently shopping for my own clothing...  shopping/retail therapy is wonderful especially when shopping with friends... and in my case I usually shop with my gal-friends and my tooth-fairy sweetie.... 
... as cis-females they have a lot of experience regarding clothing choices, color combinations, sizing, makeup and hair, jewelry, etc.

I am still continuing to buy new and different clothing frequently..... and as my personal tastes and my physical body has changed from when I first started transitioning years before I became Full-Time in 2016 I have gone through quite a bit of wardrobe "adjustments" not just in sizes but also in the types of clothing that fits me and my "new" life more favorably.

Thank you for sharing, an as always I am wishing you success and happiness in your journey.
HUGS,
Danielle

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 05, 2021, 12:54:00 am
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
WOW-ZERS....  you have posted your Avatar/Profile photo once again, very nice!!! 
I missed seeing your photo when I see and read your comment replies around the forums.

.....  and now you are BLONDE, and you look absolutely beautiful !!!   
I know from my own personal experience that the old saying "Blondes have more fun" is certainly true for me !!!!

Thank you for sharing and posting.
Stay safe, stay healthy, and press on toward you goals.
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Emma1017 on April 05, 2021, 07:52:39 am
Rachel:

"WOW-ZERS....  you have posted your Avatar/Profile photo once again, very nice!!!"   I agree with Danielle, your new photo looks fantastic!

Emma
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: ChrissyRyan on April 05, 2021, 05:23:06 pm
Nice look Rachel!


Chrissy
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on April 05, 2021, 07:58:41 pm
So, by popular vote, which goes better with my skin tone (which is generally pink to red)?  I definitely have the redhead gene, but my sister who has a couple of ginger kids has always been sandy blond.  She is a little less red and more “white” skin toned.  This is a wig that is about her hair color.  I have a few red wigs, (auburn/strawberry).  This is my first blond wig.

In person, the exact blond color is a little unnatural looking.  Not awful, but in the way it reflects light, it isn’t just like natural hair.  I think in outdoor light it wouldn’t be noticeable. 

My face looks noticeably thinner than before.  It think I may be developing a waddle on the under side of my chin.  I have no idea if anything can make those go away. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on April 06, 2021, 12:37:45 pm
So, by popular vote, which goes better with my skin tone (which is generally pink to red)?  I definitely have the redhead gene, but my sister who has a couple of ginger kids has always been sandy blond.  She is a little less red and more “white” skin toned.  This is a wig that is about her hair color.  I have a few red wigs, (auburn/strawberry).  This is my first blond wig.

In person, the exact blond color is a little unnatural looking.  Not awful, but in the way it reflects light, it isn’t just like natural hair.  I think in outdoor light it wouldn’t be noticeable. 

My face looks noticeably thinner than before.  It think I may be developing a waddle on the under side of my chin.  I have no idea if anything can make those go away.
I'm clueless around colors, so I won't vote. But watching with interest

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 06, 2021, 12:50:11 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Hmmm, it is all about personal choices too.
 
I am a natural blonde and as I am continuing to see more gray "highlights"
I think that I look best in clothing colors such as Blue, Red, White, and all shades of Pink.

Gray clothing colors are usually quite forgiving and work well with most people.

But... again it is all about your personal choice and what you think you like best.


HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on April 06, 2021, 02:01:52 pm
Hi Rachel,

I was dying my hair blond but have stopped. It is 80% gray and 20% black. I was all blond when young and in the sun and chlorine. I think my hair will be healthier without using chemicals on it. My hair is curly. My hair lightens in the summer anyhow so the black will lighten.

I have a lot of loose skin from weight loss. I am at about 166 to 170 and lost 160 pounds, gained back 50, lost 40 for GCS gained 40 (sitting around and not able to exercise and dealing with divorce)and lost 50 on kito. I eat a lot of veggies on keto of which I eat a lot of green, red, yellow and orange veggies. Veggies, onions olive oil and fermented soy bean and hot seasoning are a favorite, and berries, nuts and olives. Costco is my friend. Also, you can make fathead dough and use it for all sorts of things like pizza crust, crackers, bread and bread sticks with butter and garlic and bagels. 

HIIT exercise 20 minutes a day ( morning 10 and evening 10 minutes) do wonders for the skin. I do keto and 18/6 time restricted feeding and HIIT and have little fat. In order to recycle skin I would need to do 72 hour fasts but I would need to be under a doctors care. I have thought about it but I think for me the risk could outweigh the benefits. I do get some autophagy with 18/6 fasting but it has limits and takes a long time. However, for me it is much safer, I am turning 59 and have inflammation of blood vessels to deal with.

I want a face lift and I think I would benefit from the procedure. I think I would either go to Dr. Telang in Munbai or a place in Thailand. I was thinking about having some loose belly skin taken care of too.

When I had FFS back in 2016 I was told there was only so much that could be done because the FFS swelling needed room to expand. I also have fat injections in the temples (key to the upper face skin sagging) but it did not take. My lip fat injection are ok. Maybe it is because the lips get a lot of blood flow.

My neck lift was great and I still have benefits from it.

With clothing I think the key is time in the stores and looking and trying on. Also, when not sure ask a female worker to help. I have found they are happy to help and make it so much easier. My sister's taste in clothing and mine are very different and she is way to easy to pick out a bunch of things quickly and spend money.

Rachel

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on April 06, 2021, 09:19:01 pm
Hmmm.  I guess I was somewhat ambiguous, but I was asking for a vote on which hair color looks best on me?

Quote from: Rachel Montgomery
So, by popular vote, which goes better with my skin tone (which is generally pink to red)?  I definitely have the redhead gene, but my sister who has a couple of ginger kids has always been sandy blond.  She is a little less red and more “white” skin toned.  This is a wig that is about her hair color.  I have a few red wigs, (auburn/strawberry).  This is my first blond wig.

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Hmmm, it is all about personal choices too.
 
I am a natural blonde and as I am continuing to see more gray "highlights"
I think that I look best in clothing colors such as Blue, Red, White, and all shades of Pink.

Gray clothing colors are usually quite forgiving and work well with most people.


As far as clothing, I wear a lot of black because I am large and black is slimming.  But, I tend to be disproportionately large in my torso rather than my legs and hips, so (though I like black leggings and jeggings), that isn't particularly what I need to slim.  I love the way my white denim jeans look, and plan to eventually get some white Capri length pants of some sort. The darker colors are (I think) needed up top.

So, with my skin tone in the way of clothing I like Emerald green, royal blue to navy, and anything violet to fuchsia.

Red really isn't my color, nor is yellow.  In the summer when I am tanned (but not sunburned), pink and coral look nice.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 06, 2021, 09:22:52 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
I like how you look with both wig colors but if I had to choose a preference for you, I would pick the darker wig.

It is a close call and just my opinion so you do what you want to do!!!!
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on April 06, 2021, 09:41:18 pm
I was dying my hair blond but have stopped. It is 80% gray and 20% black. I was all blond when young .... My hair is curly. My hair lightens in the summer anyhow so the black will lighten.
Are you going to let the blond grow out, or are you going to color your hair grey and dark, so the roots match everything else?

I wear wigs because I have serious MPB.   There isn't enough there to spread around to cover my head.  Maybe some day soon, they will develop a way to grow your own hair follicles in a lab, and implant them into your scalp.  I haven't heard of anyone working on that, but th

Quote from: Rachel
I have a lot of loose skin from weight loss. I am at about 166 to 170 and lost 160 pounds, gained back 50, lost 40 for GCS gained 40 (sitting around and not able to exercise and dealing with divorce)and lost 50 on kito. I eat a lot of veggies on keto of which I eat a lot of green, red, yellow and orange veggies. Veggies, onions olive oil and fermented soy bean and hot seasoning are a favorite, and berries, nuts and olives. Costco is my friend. Also, you can make fathead dough and use it for all sorts of things like pizza crust, crackers, bread and bread sticks with butter and garlic and bagels. 

HIIT exercise 20 minutes a day ( morning 10 and evening 10 minutes) do wonders for the skin. I do keto and 18/6 time restricted feeding and HIIT and have little fat. In order to recycle skin I would need to do 72 hour fasts but I would need to be under a doctors care. I have thought about it but I think for me the risk could outweigh the benefits. I do get some autophagy with 18/6 fasting but it has limits and takes a long time. However, for me it is much safer, I am turning 59 and have inflammation of blood vessels to deal with.

So, exercise actually shrinks skin?  Or, builds muscle to fill it out?

How does this 72 hour fast thing work?

Quote from: Rachel
I want a face lift and I think I would benefit from the procedure. I think I would either go to Dr. Telang in Munbai or a place in Thailand. I was thinking about having some loose belly skin taken care of too.

When I had FFS back in 2016 I was told there was only so much that could be done because the FFS swelling needed room to expand.
So, did you have extra skin from weight loss that could be used with FFS swelling?

Quote from: Rachel
With clothing I think the key is time in the stores and looking and trying on. Also, when not sure ask a female worker to help. I have found they are happy to help and make it so much easier. My sister's taste in clothing and mine are very different and she is way to easy to pick out a bunch of things quickly and spend money.


Well, I can't.  I am in the closet.  My wife would have a stroke if I went into the local department store and tried on women's clothing, or had a facial.  And, Alabama is not particularly trans-friendly.  And, I like in what has been identified in national news papers as one of the most "conservative" cities in the country (read "transphobic").  Just the other day on talk radio, the host was talking about the "transgender problem" (i.e. that we exist, and want to be treated fairly and with dignity and common human decency).

So many people who grew up here relocate to Atlanta, I am afraid if I went there to shop or get a facial, the person working there would recognize me.  Word of it might get home before I did.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on April 06, 2021, 09:44:56 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
I like how you look with both wig colors but if I had to choose a preference for you, I would pick the darker wig.

It is a close call and just my opinion so you do what you want to do!!!!

I'll certainly keep them both.  I think the blond wig looks nice (and very different).  I felt a little like Jennifer Garner doing dramatic disguises on that spy show.  But, I think the auburn color is more how
I see myself.

I really like the lace front on both.  It make a really natural looking hairline.  (That is something I worry about).
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: SarahEL on April 09, 2021, 06:54:32 pm
Just wanted to say your avatar looks lovely Rachel.. you look so happy.. xx
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on May 19, 2021, 12:36:16 am
Well, this line from “New Amsterdam” made me feel a twing of guilt:

“Yeah, he is choosing a life based on the idea that he has to be somebody that he’s not; because there is something wrong with who he is.  Look, I get what you were trying to do here Floyd, but what we are talking about his heart.”

Like the character that line was spoken about, I I am choosing a life based on the idea that I have to be somebody who I am not, because other people THINK there is something wrong with who I am.  They are wrong, but that is what they think.  And, I suppose it sounds bad to choose to live a lie.  But, at least right now, being transgender isn’t the most important thing in my life, and I would lose what is the most important thing to me if I come out.

Maybe, I will regret the years of hiding.  But, right now hiding is what I feel like I need to do.  I feel frustrated, but ...ya know, first world problems.  My life is much better than most people in the world, frustrations notwithstanding.  And, I am consciously making the choice to do what I do.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 19, 2021, 09:21:05 am
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Well....  it's about time that you updated your blog thread.  ;)
Thank you for keeping me and the rest of your followers included in your transition journey.

Usually nothing good comes from feelings of guilt regarding your desired life choices.
Live your life with long range planning but also do it day by day as you ponder and
overcome daily difficulties, turning them into positive events,  and to revel in your daily successes.

I will be eagerly looking for your next updates on your thread and elsewhere around
the various forums topics.   Thank you for sharing and posting.

HUGS and more HUGS   
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on May 19, 2021, 07:52:37 pm
Hi Rachel, I don't think guilt applies in what you're describing, if I understand it right.

You are transgender, but you are choosing to live your life keeping that a secret. That is ok, and completely your choice. I think many here would understand your making that choice. In fact many of us tried to go down that path. Some succeeded and were able to maintain the fiction, and others did not. I suspect many of those who still keep that secret are not on this site any more, if they ever were.

But guilt? Only to yourself. You are denying a part of yourself, but you don't need to feel guilty about it. It's all yours to do with as you will.

I hope it continues to go well for you, and please keep us updated. We care about you. Hugs, Randi

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on May 19, 2021, 09:08:18 pm
Thanks Randi.  I really like your new wig.  It is flattering.

Then again, I love MY wigs.  It’s a bias.

I did feel guilty for being too cowardly to be myself.  But, I am also still afraid of the consequences of being myself.  So, ironically, everyone who knows me thinks I don’t care what other people think and I always do my own thing, when the truth is that I am just indulging myself on things I can get away with without pulling the poles out of the tent.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 03, 2021, 12:23:29 pm
I still can't post links yet, but I think this article is interesting and worth looking up:

"Mate Choice, sexual selections and endocrine-disrupting chemicals", by Andrea Gore, Amanda Holley and David Crews
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 05, 2021, 10:30:16 pm
If it is true that a lie keeps growing and growing until it’s plain as the nose on your face, eventually I will be outted.  I hope the Fairy in Pinocchio was wrong. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rakel on June 06, 2021, 07:15:00 am
I still can't post links yet, but I think this article is interesting and worth looking up:

"Mate Choice, sexual selections and endocrine-disrupting chemicals", by Andrea Gore, Amanda Holley and David Crews

Dear Rachel,

Today I noticed that your post count is now at 510, which give you the privileges of being able to post a link that complies with the Terms of Services

Congratulations.  ;D
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on June 06, 2021, 09:22:42 am
I think you look good with auburn hair.

I understand about coming out and location and loss. We all have our own journey and it is a logical path. Regret is something I had and I had help to process through it. I think regret, fear and anger were my biggest emotions around being trans.  Prejudice is real and something to be mindful of. Loss is another big factor. We all do what we can when we can.

On you tube there is podcasts from Dr. Annette Boswell. She has a few books and teaches keto. I never did a 3 day fast on purpose other than when I was sick ( I did not eat for 9 days when I had covid and lost 25 pounds when I weighed myself after re hydrating) or had procedures. I eat keto and it has helped me a lot with health related issues associated with insulin, insulin resistance and how my body reacts to it. I keep my insulin levels low.

A lot of people do not get proper information about keto and it can have negative health effects if not done properly. Never cycle in and out of keto. It is an all or nothing deal. Fasting can have negative health effects if you have health related issues. So I do time restricted feeding 18/6 which is a 18 hour per day fast and a 6 hour when I can eat. I eat my main meal at noon and something way before 6 PM. Dr. Satchin Panda is an authority on time restricted feeding. Dr. Ronda Patrick has great health related pod casts. I change my lifestyle to get a longer health span because lifespan in my family does not have a good outlook. Although, most of my family and extended family die early from addiction related issues.

Rachel

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 06, 2021, 03:14:46 pm
Thank you for that information Rachel.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 07, 2021, 11:04:17 pm
(https://i.imgur.com/Tg6RhOW.jpg)

Fun with photo filters, hair color experiment.  I think I like it.  :)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 08, 2021, 10:56:45 am
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Beautiful picture!!!!!   
I love your happy face smile and the long hair.   

HUGS,
Danielle

(https://i.imgur.com/Tg6RhOW.jpg)

Fun with photo filters, hair color experiment.  I think I like it.  :)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on June 08, 2021, 01:28:49 pm
I wonder if I can get a photo filter projected onto my head so I can walk around in real life and look like this? You look great Rachel, fun to play with the possibilities.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Sephirah on June 08, 2021, 02:29:22 pm
I think I like the auburn better. But either way, you have a beautiful smile, Rachel. :)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 08, 2021, 05:51:09 pm
I wonder if I can get a photo filter projected onto my head so I can walk around in real life and look like this? You look great Rachel, fun to play with the possibilities.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

You are very kind.  I LOVE playing with the filters. 

My wife hates me doing it.  She has said that she considers it “cheating on her”.  It’s ME, looking the way I want to look.  She gets me the way I live (the way she wants me to live, the way I need to live) a high 90 something percent of the time.  I get to dress rarely.  And, it isn’t me cheating on her, it is me looking as much as I can like I have always felt is the way I want to live. 

Does she REALLY think it is cheating?  I don’t think so. She divorced her first husband because he slept with another woman, and she’d probably do the same to me.  But, she knows I would NEVER even WANT to cheat on her.  And, I think she is using that as an emotional weapon, trying to make me feel guilty for satisfying my needs in any small way.

Honestly, I think she sees how happy I look when I am wearing feminine things, and it scares her because she knows I would LOVE to live that way all the time.  And, I do look nice in the photos, and she knows I like the way I look, which makes it somewhat more tempting to transition.  So, she is trying to keep me as her husband.  I am pretty sure it is because she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me.

I love her too.  And, I understand that she wouldn’t be able to be “in love” with me if the world saw me as a woman.  But, I NEED to see myself the way I imagine myself, at lest sometimes.  I need to be able to relax, and feel comfortable in my own body sometimes.  I need these things to not become depressed, and to be able to live as she wants me to.  I wish she would try to understand, and just give me the space to do what I need to do. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 08, 2021, 05:55:17 pm
I think I like the auburn better. But either way, you have a beautiful smile, Rachel. :)

I LOVE the Auburn hair.  It is absolutely the color I wear most often.  My family has several red heads, and while I am not one of them, I do have red hairs mixed with other colors, and my dermatologist looked at me and said “well, you certainly have the red head gene”. 

If I ever get to live presenting as a woman, I will have Auburn to to Auburn with strawberry blond highlights almost all of the time. 

But, the blue and platinum blond blend struck me as a fun “me” hairdo. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on June 08, 2021, 11:21:39 pm
Rachel, big hugs for you. I know how it felt when my wife was trying to control me. My dysphoria continued to squeeze out at unexpected times and she hated it. She wanted warning before it happened but I just couldn't contain it.

I hope your interludes as Rachel are enough to keep things under control and for you to be happy enough to live a good life. When you live a good and satisfying life, that enables you to support your wife, family and friends in the way they deserve.

More hugs, Randi

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 29, 2021, 12:01:13 pm
I am feeling much more Dysphoria this week.  I don’t know why.  I have an intuition that it may be hormonal.  I think my T is low again.  My skin is more fragile, more prone to tear open with light abrasion, and I am losing a bit of muscle mass.  And, my chest (I don’t have much breast) is achy, tender and warm.  That has happened before when my E was high. 

The weird thing about me is, I both like it and am scared by it.  I want to be a woman, and when my body cooperates in its own way to feminize me, I take medicine to stop it.  I suppose it is my internalized transphobia at work.  I am just trying to hold my life together.  And, my life is built on the presentation of me as a man.  Yes, it is a bit of a deception, but one that seems important to maintain. 

Ugh, to paraphrase Tai Verses, I’m stuck in the middle, and losing every part of the benefit, it hurts me more than my wife ever knew, but it’s <bad> cause it doing the same to her too.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on June 29, 2021, 01:25:10 pm


...
The weird thing about me is, I both like it and am scared by it.  I want to be a woman, and when my body cooperates in its own way to feminize me, I take medicine to stop it....

My body started doing that around the age of 60. I loved it and hoped for more but of course it didn't persist. You probably don't have to suppress it if you don't want to. It's just natural you.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 29, 2021, 03:22:54 pm
The bigger problem is the dysphoria.  I think it is like one of those things where you are on a diet, depriving yourself of everything and you get sort of used to the idea you can't have it.  Then, you eat some and you want more...you WANT more...YOU NEED MORE OF THAT NOW.

Essentially, I start to obsess about it, and have trouble focusing on anything else, which doesn't seem to be a real problem for me when I am in deprivation mode.  This is why I feel strongly that if I ever start taking HRT, I am transitioning come Hell or high water.  I think it would be like a dam break; a metaphorical tidal wave of urgency to achieve my ultimate goals.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on June 29, 2021, 06:31:58 pm
Hi Rachel,

I thought I would go on low dose HRT. I had to wait 5 months to go on HRT because I was not stable. When I started HRT I said I wanted a high transitioning dose. I think it was maybe a week, and although I was scared, I knew I made the correct decision and I would be on HRT for life.

I definitely knew all along I would fully transition.

I had to come out at work, change my name on my ID and express full time. I thought it would be impossible for me to do it. I did it and although it was scary and tough I grew from the experience.

I am going on 5 years post op. I am glad I made the journey. There was a lot of sacrifice, tears and pain. It was not easy. But I am glad I made it.

Rachel
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Sephirah on June 30, 2021, 01:45:39 pm
The weird thing about me is, I both like it and am scared by it.  I want to be a woman, and when my body cooperates in its own way to feminize me, I take medicine to stop it.  I suppose it is my internalized transphobia at work.  I am just trying to hold my life together.  And, my life is built on the presentation of me as a man.  Yes, it is a bit of a deception, but one that seems important to maintain. 

I don't think it's that weird, Rachel. And I don't think it's transphobia, either. Internalised or otherwise. I think it's more of a defence mechanism based on what you've told me. You are in a position where you're in a constant battle with yourself between what you want, and what you need. And both are equally important.

It's easy to say "just be yourself no matter the cost." But the cost is something that you sometimes can't ignore. To live is one thing, to have a life is another. And sometimes the two aren't the same thing. The world doesn't work that way. As much as I think we all wish it did. Life is built on a spider web of connections with people around us. It's gossamer thin at times.

You know who you are, though. And that's something a lot of people can't say about themselves. I think I know you well enough now to be sure of that. I think that were everything aligned in such a way... your path would be clear to you. And it's my greatest hope that one day it will be. I think... keep hoping for that time, Rachel. Until then... be yourself where and when you can, and know you have people in your life who get what you're going through.

*massive hugs*
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 30, 2021, 09:58:36 pm
Once again Sephirah, you are sweet and affirming.  Thank you for being you.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 30, 2021, 10:23:09 pm
(Copied from the internet)

Quote
In The Wrath of Khan (1982), Spock says, “Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Captain Kirk answers, “Or the one.” This sets up a pivotal scene near the end of the film (spoilers follow).

With the Enterprise (ship) in imminent danger of destruction, Spock enters a highly radioactive chamber in order to fix the ship’s drive so the crew can escape danger. Spock quickly perishes, and, with his final breaths, says to Kirk, “Don't grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh . . .” Kirk finishes for him, “The needs of the few.” Spock replies, “Or the one.”

In the next film, The Search for Spock (1984), the crew of the Enterprise discovers that Spock is not actually dead, that his body and soul survive separately, and that it may be possible to rejoin them—which the crew proceeds to do. Once restored, Spock asks Kirk why the crew saved him. Kirk answers, “Because the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many.” This is, as Spock might say, a fascinating reversal of the message in the previous film.

How can these ideas be reconciled?

We find an answer in the next film, The Voyage Home (1986). At the beginning of this film, Spock’s mother, who is human (his father is Vulcan), asks him whether he still believes that, by logic, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. He says yes. She replies, “Then you are here because of a mistake—your friends have given their future to save you.” (The crew had broken the law and had gone on the run in order to rescue Spock.) Spock says that humans are sometimes illogical; his mother answers, “They are, indeed!”

Later in the film, when crewman Chekov is in trouble, Spock insists that the crew save him, even at risk of jeopardizing the crew’s vital mission to save Earth and everyone on it. Kirk asks, “Is this the logical thing to do?” Spock answers, “No, but it is the human thing to do.” Although Spock reaffirms his claim that the needs of the many logically outweigh the needs of the few, he suggests that sometimes we must do the “human” thing, not the logical thing, and put the needs of the few (or the one) first.

So Spock, Kirk, and Spock’s mother have affirmed the idea that acting logically and acting “human” can be at odds—and that acting logically means always putting the needs of the many first. This is the alleged reconciliation of the apparently conflicting ideas with which we started.

But this logically is not a reconciliation at all.

In logic, (a) there can be no divide between acting logically and acting human; and (b) as Ayn Rand discovered and explained, the needs of the individual are what give rise to the need and possibility of value judgments to begin with.

Our capacity to use logic, to integrate the evidence of our senses in a noncontradictory way, is part of our rational faculty—the very faculty that makes us human. Obviously, we also have the capacity to be illogical, but that is because our rational faculty also entails volition, the power to choose to think or not to think. We also have the capacity to experience emotions, which are automatic responses to our experiences in relation to our values. (Various other species have an emotional capacity as well, but our values are chosen, so even on this score we are substantially different.)

Our emotions, though real and important, are not a means of knowledge; they are automatic reactions to experiences in relation to our value judgments. Our means of knowledge is reason, the use of observation and logic.

In regard to the Star Trek example, the reason Kirk was right to help Spock is not that doing so was “human” as against “logical”; rather, he was right to help Spock because, given the immense value that Spock is to Kirk, both as a friend and as a colleague, and given that the mission to help Spock was feasible, helping him was the logical and thus human thing to do.

In this case, Kirk’s emotional ties to Spock aligned with his logical evaluation of Spock’s value to him. It is possible for a person’s values to be out of line with his rational judgment, but in such cases his rational judgment remains his means of knowledge, and his emotions should take a backseat until he reassesses his values and brings them back into line with his logical assessment of the facts.

Once we see the relationship and potential harmony between reason and emotion, we can see that Spock’s claim that being logical is (or can be) at odds with being human makes no sense.

What of Spock’s claim, “Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”? Logic requires that some evidence be offered in support of such a claim—but Spock offers no evidence in support of this. He just asserts it. Which “many”? Which “few”? “Outweigh” on whose scale? For what purpose? To whose benefit? Why is his or their benefit the proper benefit? Spock does not address such questions; he simply asserts that logic clearly dictates his conclusion. But it doesn’t.

Far from being an expression of logic, Spock’s claim that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few is an arbitrary assertion and a restatement of the baseless moral theory known as utilitarianism, which asserts that each individual should act to serve the greatest good for the greatest number. (For a critique of utilitarianism, see my essay on the moral theory of Sam Harris, TOS, Winter 2012–13.)

What logic actually dictates is that if human beings want to live and achieve happiness, they must identify and pursue the values that make that goal possible. As Ayn Rand points out, life makes values both possible and necessary. We need to eat—in order to live and prosper. We need to wear protective clothing and find shelter—in order to live and prosper. We need to pursue a productive career to gain goods and services—in order to live and prosper. The principle holds true in more-complex cases as well. We need to build friendships to gain a wide variety of intellectual, psychological, and material benefits—in order to live and prosper. We need to experience great art to see our values in concrete form—in order to live and prosper. The pattern holds for all our values. Logically, the only ultimate reason we need to pursue any value is in order to live and prosper. (See Rand’s essay “The Objectivist Ethics” for her derivation of this principle.)

How does this principle apply in the Star Trek examples? In the case of Kirk’s dangerous mission to help Spock, Kirk logically concludes that, given the full context of his values, saving his dear friend is worth the risk involved.

What are we to make, then, of Spock’s final actions in The Wrath of Khan? Does he sacrifice his own life and values in order to serve the needs of the many? No. Khan, piloting a damaged ship, sets off a device that will soon cause a massive explosion that will destroy his own ship along with the Enterprise and its entire crew. Captain Kirk says to his chief engineer, “Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or we’re all dead.” It is at this point that Spock leaves the bridge, goes to engineering, and enters a radiation-filled room in order to repair the ship’s warp drive. As a result of Spock’s actions, the Enterprise speeds away to a safe distance from the explosion—but Spock “dies.”

Spock does consider the needs of his friends and shipmates in making this move. But he does not thereby sacrifice his own values or even his own life. His only alternative is to die with the ship anyway. Instead of dying and having all of his shipmates and friends die too, he chooses to uphold and protect the values that he can and to uphold his commitment to serve as a Star Fleet officer—a position that he chose knowing and accepting the risks involved.

Although in this case Spock must pick the least bad of two bad options, he makes the choice that best serves his interests and thus his life.

The only principle consistent with logic and thus with humanity is that if we want to “live long and prosper” (as Vulcans often say) we must use logic and pursue our life-serving values. Fortunately, contrary to Spock’s occasional illogic, this is what he actually does. And this is why so many people love him. It’s only logical.[\quote]
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on June 30, 2021, 10:37:23 pm
The post above is applicable here because I agree with the idea that the only principle consistent with logic and thus with humanity is that if we want to “live long and prosper” (as Vulcans often say) we must use logic and pursue our life-serving values.

For Emma, it certainly seems that this means she must transition.  Whether she is convinced of it or not, she has convinced me that she has to transition to thrive, and that she will do both. 

Figuring out how to best thrive is figuring out “which hurts more”.  But, ultimately the pain is a secondary determinate.  The primary question is what is your strongest need, and can you be happy, can you live a “good life” without it?  If the answer is no, and you know the answer is no, then the pain isn’t the biggest factor.  The promise of an opportunity for fulfillment is. 

Whatever pain aside, either way, I don’t see a present path to fulfillment without maintaining the relationships I value.  And, I honestly believe that transitioning would destroy the most important relationships in my life.  So, for now, I can’t.

But, I can try to work towards opening up the chance that I could transition later.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Laura1951 on July 01, 2021, 11:00:21 am
Every time I come here to catch up with you, I feel a little sad. While I know my transition was rough and frightening the first three years before I committed to HRT, married MTFs have a harder journey.  In a way, you're in a transition now, having made the bargain that, to maintain your marriage, you've agreed not to transition. Your wife may be unhappy. because she know's what you need and you can be dysphoric because Rachael can't really express herself or begin her true journey.

I don't have any data showing whether MTFs can maintain this devil's bargain for life, but I've read too many stories where eventually the dysphoria becomes too large to handle. That's the transition you're in now, whether you can hold onto the bargain. I can't even imagine the pain you must feel at times, as the dysphoria pokes through the veneer. I wish I could help or provide you comfort.

Laura
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: jennifer7020 on July 01, 2021, 11:40:50 am
Thank you. I think posts like this are like a hug through the screen.

I am in a similar place-- married and just starting therapy. My wife doesn't know.. but the time she will is coming. Like Rachel.. I live a good life. I wonder if it is enough. I know I am at the point I need to sort out who I am. I think the story of my transition has started..hard to say where it ends.


Jennifer


Every time I come here to catch up with you, I feel a little sad. While I know my transition was rough and frightening the first three years before I committed to HRT, married MTFs have a harder journey.  In a way, you're in a transition now, having made the bargain that, to maintain your marriage, you've agreed not to transition. Your wife may be unhappy. because she know's what you need and you can be dysphoric because Rachael can't really express herself or begin her true journey.

I don't have any data showing whether MTFs can maintain this devil's bargain for life, but I've read too many stories where eventually the dysphoria becomes too large to handle. That's the transition you're in now, whether you can hold onto the bargain. I can't even imagine the pain you must feel at times, as the dysphoria pokes through the veneer. I wish I could help or provide you comfort.

Laura
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on July 01, 2021, 02:20:34 pm
Thank you. I think posts like this are like a hug through the screen.

I am in a similar place-- married and just starting therapy. My wife doesn't know.. but the time she will is coming. Like Rachel.. I live a good life. I wonder if it is enough. I know I am at the point I need to sort out who I am. I think the story of my transition has started..hard to say where it ends.


Jennifer

FWIW, to date I have found some comfort in the fact that the life I am living is my own choice.  Yes, it is a choice between two (for me anyway) very difficult options.  One option, I live my whole life never actually being "known", never giving anyone the chance to love the full me; but in exchange I get to maintain my relationships which are the most significant treasures in my life.  Or, I can give that up to be known, to have the opportunity to be loved by people who actually know me.  The cost for that is my marriage, my step children, my sisters, my nieces and nephews and my parents; combined with the knowledge that they would probably go out of their way to financially break me.  I would never make over minimum wage again, because the IRS would garnish any income down to minimum wage.  It's a heavy price.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Sephirah on July 01, 2021, 02:50:25 pm
FWIW, to date I have found some comfort in the fact that the life I am living is my own choice.  Yes, it is a choice between two (for me anyway) very difficult options.  One option, I live my whole life never actually being "known", never giving anyone the chance to love the full me; but in exchange I get to maintain my relationships which are the most significant treasures in my life.  Or, I can give that up to be known, to have the opportunity to be loved by people who actually know me.  The cost for that is my marriage, my step children, my sisters, my nieces and nephews and my parents; combined with the knowledge that they would probably go out of their way to financially break me.  I would never make over minimum wage again, because the IRS would garnish any income down to minimum wage.  It's a heavy price.

I don't believe people can fully hide who they are, Rachel. I don't think anyone is that good an actor, or actress. The part of us where the real Us resides, is in a deep place which bleeds through into the way we act, the way we think, the way we speak. Our outlook on the world. For something to be so much a part of our core being, and to drive people the way it does... it isn't a switch you can just turn on and off. It's something that's been with you since birth, and something which will be with you until death... maybe beyond.

People who know you... they know a part of you. The real you. Even if they don't know it, or you don't want to show it. Because it's just who you are. Hold on to that, okay?

It isn't about wanting to be a woman, sweetie. You are a woman. You always have been. What you're doing is working out how to live your life the best way you can. We come in all shapes and sizes. There is no mold for you to fit. You just live your life the best way you can. But never forget that you are you. And always will be. And in the spaces you're allowed to show it, you'll be seen and loved as such. :)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on July 31, 2021, 01:28:38 pm
OK, this is weird.  I think AT&T may have outted me?

I called my mom (on my AT&T cell phone)  to wish her happy birthday and she was surprised to hear my voice.  She said he phone said it was “Rachel <last name>“ calling.  That doesn’t seem like a coincidence.  Is everyone I call going to see me as “Rachel”?

It didn’t upset me at all, but it did make me puzzled.  What just happened?
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Oldandcreaky on July 31, 2021, 02:18:18 pm
That is strange, Rachel. And affirming and scary too, I'm guessing.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on July 31, 2021, 02:24:59 pm
Unless you pay extra for names with caller id, most carriers don't pass on the name, only the number. In that case it would be most likely that her phone looked up your number in her contacts and supplied the name that way. Is that possible?

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on July 31, 2021, 02:45:41 pm
No.  I don’t see how it could be possible.

First of all, so seriously doubt that my mother has figured out how to use “contacts”.  She has a cell phone, but she has a land line sort of understanding of phones. 

And, if it were my wife’s name that showed up, I would understand that is likely because the account is on her name.  (It is).  But, of all names “Rachel” followed by my last name showed up. 

I wonder if I am leaking.  Between my own acceptance of myself as Rachel, and my corresponding online presence here and other places as “Rachel”, someone or some computer decided to help me with my name change?

I am as amused as I am concerned.  Maybe more amused.  It didn’t upset me when she said she expected to be talking to Rachel.  In fact it made me smile to hear my mother call me Rachel (without any sign of being upset, just confused and amused). 

I haven’t fully figured out how zi feel about it.  Surprised, confused, a little concerned, but mostly …oddly validated?  It’s like my phone knows who I am (or maybe my phone company?).
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on July 31, 2021, 08:28:32 pm
Hi, did you change your name on your phone? Maybe that is why the display states your name.
----------------------

I think what helped me make my journey choice was that when I told my then wife I am trans we distanced. The distancing kept getting wider.

I played a phone message I received from my then wife on the way to my therapist. It was when I knew the marriage was over and we needed to be distanced. Plus I just had to come out and I had to have GCS. I was extremely fearful to express and change my name. I wanted to express and change my name but it was scary. 

I love to express now and I love my name. My legal name is Rachel Lynn XXXXXXX. I go by Rachel Lynn or Rachel with friends. Rach is with a very few. I am not sure how I feel about being called Rach.

If my ex and I stayed close and I had to choose between HRT and her I think I would have not gone on HRT but I would have resented the decision. If my ex was bi we would be together and happy.

I was over her condo today to fix her AC. We still love each other but we can not be together married.

When I went to my first Philadelphia Trans Conference I went to my first session and it was a married couple discussing their journey. They were divorcing. They said they tried very hard for 5 years to negotiate his transition (FTM). In the end he had to transition and the husband could not be with a guy. When the FTM transitioned the marriage was over. They worked very hard to stay together but in the end they needed to go their own way. They regretted staying together the 5 years.

I know for me I thought about that conversation for many years. When My wife contacted a lawyer she told me out marriage was over when I told her I was trans. Sometimes we know things but we need time to process the change.

Rachel

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on July 31, 2021, 09:08:59 pm
No.  I haven’t changed the name on my phone. 

I can’t imagine how it happened.  Everything online I do as “Rachel Elizabeth Montgmery”, but that isn’t what her phone displayed.  It displayed “Rachel <last name>“.  I don’t believe I have ever put those two names together.

But, I do answer to Rachel in dreams.  And, as long as I knew someone was taking to me, I wouldn’t mind them calling me Rachel.  Like I think I said, I found it a little validating.  It was almost like the universe knows that is who I am supposed to be, and it is making it happen without my initiating it. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on July 31, 2021, 09:37:45 pm
Universe to Rachel: "Come dear, take my hand and let's go."

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Sephirah on August 03, 2021, 04:05:53 pm
According to their website, the name should be that of whoever holds the account.

See this (https://www.att.com/support/article/local-long-distance/KM1045893/) link.

Quote
For changes in how your name appears on Caller ID, please contact us to update the name on your account.

The universe works in mysterious ways. ;)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 03, 2021, 05:16:18 pm
The name on the account is my wife’s.  But, she gave them my email address so I keep getting AT&T messages addressing her.  Her name is not Rachel.

I don’t know what is going on to cause it, but I am starting to think I never will.  I’d a mischievous hacker messing with me?  I don’t know.  No harm so far. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Sephirah on August 03, 2021, 05:18:10 pm
The name on the account is my wife’s.  But, she gave them my email address so I keep getting AT&T messages addressing her.  Her name is not Rachel.

I don’t know what is going on to cause it, but I am starting to think I never will.  I’d a mischievous hacker messing with me?  I don’t know.  No harm so far.

Have you tried calling someone else to see if it happens again?
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 03, 2021, 09:23:35 pm
Yeah.  It doesn’t.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on August 07, 2021, 01:00:51 pm
If it starts happening more and more frequently then you'll know it's The Force calling you

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 15, 2021, 09:04:51 pm
Ok, so…we got the kids moved off to college.  Back to a 2 person household (plus the dog).  I will be glad when they stop costing money and start making some.  :) but, that is probably a year and a half away. 

Moving in >90 degree heat with >70% humidity is draining.  Kudos to my trainer for keeping me fit enough to work steadily until the job was done.  Even the college kids had trouble keeping the pace I was working on.  But, a tropical storm was coming so we had to work quickly to avoid being rained on. 

Soon, fall college football will start and the local attention will be focused on nothing else.  I can’t wait for the cooler temperature and drier air.  Who knows what we are in store for?  Hopeful, but cautiously so.  Of course, that is what Auburn fans are used to.

https://youtu.be/br3eEYU6kLc
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 16, 2021, 10:06:03 pm
OK, now I am depressed.  I don't think it has anything to do with the kids going back off to school.  I think it has to do with my lack of control of my own life.  I can't do anything I want to do.  Teh consequences would crush me.  But, not being able to do what I feel like I need to do is making me depressed.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Laura1951 on August 16, 2021, 10:58:22 pm
Rachel,

My heart aches for you. To make your wife happy, you suffer from not being the real you, but to accept your journey makes your wife unhappy. Until now, you've held so much inside and now that the kids are gone, you're realizing that they are pursuing their dreams, but that you can't...

Or, I could be wrong.  Only you can decide your fate, but someone is going to end up unhappy.

Laura
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 17, 2021, 08:38:18 pm
I wouldn't just lose my marriage.  I would lose my wife, my step kids, my parents, my sisters, nieces and nephews, my career, and I'd have to leave the only state I have ever lived in and start fresh somewhere else.  And, my father would probably try to destroy me financially (he could).
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on August 17, 2021, 08:55:13 pm
I wouldn't just lose my marriage.  I would lose my wife, my step kids, my parents, my sisters, nieces and nephews, my career, and I'd have to leave the only state I have ever lived in and start fresh somewhere else.  And, my father would probably try to destroy me financially (he could).
Susan’s has taught me that few things are universally straightforward. It’s dangerous to assume that everyone is able to transition. I think your position must be be of the most difficult I’ve read about. My heart goes out to you. Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Jessica_Rose on August 17, 2021, 09:19:14 pm
OK, now I am depressed.  I don't think it has anything to do with the kids going back off to school.  I think it has to do with my lack of control of my own life.  I can't do anything I want to do.  Teh consequences would crush me.  But, not being able to do what I feel like I need to do is making me depressed.

About 20 years ago I strongly thought about transitioning, but I realized I would probably lose everyone I loved in addition to my job. About 6 - 7 years ago I almost lost everything anyway, I was a heartbeat away from taking my life and the lives of my family. I had spent all my life trying to live up to others expectations, trying to make them happy while I slipped deeper and deeper into darkness. Once you reach the bottom of a dark pit, you realize your options for happiness are limited. Even though I thought the odds were stacked heavily against me, I decided to gamble everything in my life to transition. I went 'all in', and somehow I won.

No one can tell you what to do, no one else's situation is exactly like yours. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. I wish you all the best Rachel, and I hope you can find happiness.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Sephirah on August 18, 2021, 04:59:30 pm
OK, now I am depressed.  I don't think it has anything to do with the kids going back off to school.  I think it has to do with my lack of control of my own life.  I can't do anything I want to do.  Teh consequences would crush me.  But, not being able to do what I feel like I need to do is making me depressed.

Life is a series of baby steps, Rachel. I know how you're feeling. You're looking at something seemingly insurmountable in order to be yourself.

Break it down into smaller steps. Do what you can do. Appreciate it and enjoy it for what it is. Like I told you privately, however far you can go with your transition doesn't change who you are. Everyone in this world; men, women, non binary people... all have to find their place. Find the things they can do which makes life worth living.

You can do lots of things you want to do, sweetie. Look at the pictures you use for your avatars. You are who you are, okay? Rachel... listen. If you're a woman, you're a woman. No matter what. No matter how far you go with your transition. And accepting this is the first step to being... well, if not happy, then not utterly miserable. I know your need. I know the feeling of literally everything getting in the way and why can't you just turn the world off to allow you to do what you need to do. But my advice to you is to find those little things that you can do, which make you feel like you. If, or until such a time that, you can take things further.

It will make you feel better about yourself. Trust me.

*big hugs*

You are you. You are beautiful. :)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on August 18, 2021, 05:23:15 pm
Hi Rachel,

I do not know your situation or the ramifications of your decisions. I do know feeling depressed and how it changes your outlook on everything. I am sorry you are going through this and see now way to fully be yourself. I know how it feels to be stuck and the pain it causes.

What can you do to feel better?

Rachel

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 18, 2021, 05:48:54 pm
Susan’s has taught me that few things are universally straightforward. It’s dangerous to assume that everyone is able to transition. I think your position must be be of the most difficult I’ve read about. My heart goes out to you. Xxx

Thanks.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 18, 2021, 06:19:11 pm
About 20 years ago I strongly thought about transitioning, but I realized I would probably lose everyone I loved in addition to my job. About 6 - 7 years ago I almost lost everything anyway, I was a heartbeat away from taking my life and the lives of my family. ... I decided to gamble everything in my life to transition. I went 'all in', and somehow I won.

...I wish you all the best Rachel, and I hope you can find happiness.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Thank you.  I am depressed, but I am not at a breaking point now.  I have felt that I was at that point in the past, and tried and failed to kill myself.  In the weeks that followed the failed attempt, I learned that I actually COULD go on, even though I had thought I couldn't.  It seems that you can survive anything that doesn't literally take your life.

I have maintained since that time that I would never try to kill myself again.  If I find myself having no other choice but to transition, then damn the torpedoes, I will go full speed ahead.  Hopefully, I never get there.

I am depressed right now, but I expect to be joyful again. That is both a hope and an expectation.  Perhaps I will not be "happy", or maybe just not "completely happy", but I think I will find joy. 

Happiness is based on what happens.  Joy comes from within.  When things get rough and happiness is not to be found, I seek my inner joy.  I try to appreciate the positive things I do have (many of which are unfortunately keeping me from being in control of my life; but they are valuable to me nonetheless).  Clearly, I have people and things in my life that I value, even if I don't believe they would accept me as I know myself.  Having those people in my life is both painful and positive at the same time.  They know the part of me I share, and they love that person.  I am that person.  I am simply more dimensional than they know.  They don't fully know me. 

Having those relationships is something to be thankful for.  Where you can find thankfulness, joy is nearby.  My parents are old and sick.  I am getting older too.  Undoubtedly, when they are gone, the balance of cost v benefit will shift.  I won't have to be concerned that anyone will try to destroy me financially.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 18, 2021, 06:26:54 pm
Life is a series of baby steps, Rachel. ...Break it down into smaller steps. Do what you can do. Appreciate it and enjoy it for what it is.
For the past year, I have been trying to lose weight.  I did better before summer.  I have put some back on.  But, I am still down a net of about 70lbs, and I am back on trying to lose weight.  I started when I discovered that I wouldn't be able to have GCS until my BMI was under 30.  At the time it was 43.5.  Now it is 34.7.
Quote from: Sephirah
You can do lots of things you want to do, sweetie.

But my advice to you is to find those little things that you can do, which make you feel like you. If, or until such a time that, you can take things further.

It will make you feel better about yourself. Trust me.

*big hugs*

You are you. You are beautiful. :)
What are the things I can do?  It feels as though there is nothing I can do except wait (and weight).
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on August 19, 2021, 12:49:12 am
Rachel,

Weight is a good one.

I started electrolysis, initially just for eyebrows, outer ears and sideburns. It was a small thing but it occupied some of the waiting time and helped me feel better.

Before that I shaved my 41 year beard, which shocked everybody but is something a man had permission to do.

I started dressing more androgynously. Hawaiian shirts, ladies jeans (who can tell?), men's bikini underwear without a stupid fly, etc.

Be creative. There are things you can get away with.

I won't comment on the slippery slope aspects

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: TXSara on August 19, 2021, 02:46:47 pm
Rachel --

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling.  I can only hope that you are overly pessimistic about the expected reactions from friends and family.  I am still pretty early on, but I have been extremely surprised at the level of support I have received from my family and friends so far.  I grew up in a blue-collar town on the East side of Houston, and I expected a lot worse than I have gotten so far.  You might end up being surprised as well.

Good luck on the upcoming season, but I worry that y'all are going to wish you had Gus back.  I have had good times with Auburn fans (I'm a hard-core Aggie), so I hope you guys right the ship.

~Sara
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 19, 2021, 06:39:48 pm
Thanks Sara,

Obviously I’d love for us to beat everyone we play, but I hope y’all have a great season.  If you beat us or not, be sure to beat Bama.  :)

My family has been quite clear about their feelings regarding the transgender experience.  It is decidedly negative.  My dad says he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as a transgender person, and my mom says they should just kill themselves.  My older sister told a friend of hers whose daughter transitioned that she shouldn’t have allowed it, and that her child will now go to Hell. 

No, I would essentially need the secret witness relocation program sort of disappearing.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Jessica_Rose on August 19, 2021, 07:12:36 pm
My older sister told a friend of hers whose daughter transitioned that she shouldn’t have allowed it, and that her child will now go to Hell. 

Hell is where we are before transition. While some may find a compromise that works, for many of us transition is the only way we will ever find peace. Good luck Rachel.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Julie H on August 19, 2021, 08:01:50 pm
Hugs
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on August 19, 2021, 09:37:36 pm
Hell is where we are before transition. While some may find a compromise that works, for many of us transition is the only way we will ever find peace. Good luck Rachel.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Oh, I understand what you said.  That is what SHE said.  Of course, the friend she said it to is now an ex-friend.  And, despite my supportive comments to the mom, she won’t speak to me anymore either.  Her daughter died a couple of years later (nothing to do with gender, she developed a medical problem).  At least she lived as a girl for a while.  And, she had the support of her family.  Her death was tragic, but I am happy for her that she got that chance and had that support.  My heart aches for her parents.

My sister feels strongly that she was right to say what she did.  Wow!  And, they say hindsight is 20/20?  I guess not always.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: JamieH on September 09, 2021, 07:24:43 pm
LOL at all the Hell talk.  I was raised Catholic and I swear it traumatized me.  The idea of a god that's infallible (yet can't get my soul into the right body), all loving (but will damn me to hell for being as he/she made me), etc...doesn't compute.

A God that gives free will but will smite you for exercising it...that's not free will, that's like putting a gun to someone's head and telling them choose A or B, but if you choose B you're dead.  What?

Reminds me of a scene in the Keanu Reeves/Al Pacino flick The Devil's Advocate where Pacino as Satan is criticizing God as a sick prankster who says "look...but don't touch, OK Touch but don't taste...OK Taste but don't swallow"....

Not to disparage the Catholic faith for those who practice it and find it helpful.  Whatever works for you is great.  Shedding it was liberating for me. 

I was terrified as a kid that I'd go to hell, for any one of a million "sins" a young child may commit....least of all the fact that I lay in bed at night wishing I was a girl.  What an awful sick pervert I felt like.....What a psych job that does on a young transgender girl.  Maybe I'd have had to guts to actually acknowledge it and talk about it and seek treatment if it hadn't been for the damage that religion had done to me. 

I'm done with that, all of it.  I'm still Christian at heart but I've done away with all the dogma.  A God who wants to send me to hell for being myself is no god I want to worship.  So see ya'll ladies in the depths of hell.  I'll be the broad shouldered gal swigging whiskey in a pretty dress by the bar.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: jennifer7020 on September 10, 2021, 07:57:27 am
LOL at all the Hell talk.  I was raised Catholic and I swear it traumatized me.  The idea of a god that's infallible (yet can't get my soul into the right body), all loving (but will damn me to hell for being as he/she made me), etc...doesn't compute.

A God that gives free will but will smite you for exercising it...that's not free will, that's like putting a gun to someone's head and telling them choose A or B, but if you choose B you're dead.  What?

Reminds me of a scene in the Keanu Reeves/Al Pacino flick The Devil's Advocate where Pacino as Satan is criticizing God as a sick prankster who says "look...but don't touch, OK Touch but don't taste...OK Taste but don't swallow"....

Not to disparage the Catholic faith for those who practice it and find it helpful.  Whatever works for you is great.  Shedding it was liberating for me. 

I was terrified as a kid that I'd go to hell, for any one of a million "sins" a young child may commit....least of all the fact that I lay in bed at night wishing I was a girl.  What an awful sick pervert I felt like.....What a psych job that does on a young transgender girl.  Maybe I'd have had to guts to actually acknowledge it and talk about it and seek treatment if it hadn't been for the damage that religion had done to me. 

I'm done with that, all of it.  I'm still Christian at heart but I've done away with all the dogma.  A God who wants to send me to hell for being myself is no god I want to worship.  So see ya'll ladies in the depths of hell.  I'll be the broad shouldered gal swigging whiskey in a pretty dress by the bar.

While nominally catholic I try to follow the simplest of rules -- love everyone and don't judge anyone.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on October 11, 2021, 03:42:39 pm
I am not complaining, and I know that the answer to my question may not even be knowable, and if known wouldn't change anything materially.  I am just curious as to whether anyone has a theory.

I wonder: why it is that the more I don't think about gender and dysphoria when awake, the more I dream about it at night?

Lately, I have been focused during waking hours about various other things that require my attention.  And, lately the main focus of all of my dreams have been related to my gender (i.e. all about me living in a female social role; being accepted by my wife and others as a woman, and talking about or shopping for cute clothes, particularly shoes, but also tops and various bottoms.)

I am not exactly sure how to describe how this is different from my usual dreams, other than "focus".  I generally am a woman in my dreams, but most of the time that is incidental to the theme of the dream.  My gender it isn't the "point' that everything else turns on.  It is just there, like having a body or something is just there.  But, when I don't take time to think about.

Generally, I am doing fine.  Excited about flying and learning new songs on guitar.  I have been planning trips (car trips) with my family. And, or course, work and college football.  There hasn't been much time for introspection.  So, I guess my subconscious is expressing itself in my dreams? 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on October 13, 2021, 12:10:01 am
It will be interesting to find out if the increased dreaming about being a woman is a result of, or related to, not thinking about it during the day, which is how you put your question.

Or is it a new phase you're going through where the dreams increase no matter what you do during the day. Even if you spent the day thinking about these same things.

For many of us, dysphoria and the urge to express ourselves is a one way street. Ever increasing and rarely decreasing.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on October 16, 2021, 03:01:55 pm
For me it is always there, but sometimes more of an obsession than others.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on October 16, 2021, 03:17:01 pm

For many of us, dysphoria and the urge to express ourselves is a one way street. Ever increasing and rarely decreasing.

Until we do transition after which gender dysphoria dissipates greatly and can even disappear (though im my case it’s still there but much lower level - hoping eventual GCS will finish it off!)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on October 21, 2021, 12:39:18 pm
Just venting here.

My wife is angry at me about a disagreement with our parenting. 

(Reminder, I am a step parent, not a biological parent, so while the kids are biologically hers, they aren't even adopted by me.  This makes me feel more vulnerable to being ghosted that if I were their legal or biological parent.  But, I have raised them from a young age, and they presently consider me theirs.)

Both of the kids are independently doing something that my conservative family would not approve of.  I have let them both know that I would rather they didn't do it, because it is going to make my life harder with my siblings and parents when they inevitably find out.  I made no threats or demands, I merely expressed my concerns and stated the difficulty it would put me to dealing with them.  In fact, I don't care if they do it, it is their life.  And, although they are both still being supported by me in college, they are adults. 

Anyway, last night in her anger, she threatened me that if I ever again tell them that I would rather they didn't do what they are doing, she would out me to the kids and my whole family.  In all honesty, I am no longer shamed of what I am.  In a sense, I don't care, it would be a relief to have it out.  But, it would make my life harder, probably effecting my relationship with my parents, my siblings and their kids.  All of that considered, my first thought was about my marriage (for which she didn't even seem to consider the consequences).  If she outs me to everyone, she will probably feel compelled by shame to divorce me.  So, in that sense, doing that would be nuclear war in the oddest way, she'd be nuking herself in order to harm me.  For that reason alone, I think she is bluffing.  But, it struck me as terribly controlling and manipulative, to try to black mail me with ending everything. 

So, I thought about it last night and this morning we talked.  I explained to her that I think it is alright to tell someone you love when they are doing something you don't like.  You don't have to be supportive of everything they might do or want to do.  Then, I pointed out that she has been very open about her dislike of the fact that I am trans and I haven't tried to blackmail her or manipulate her.  She didn't see how these were the same at all. 

So, I asked if she wanted a divorce, and she said she doesn't.  But, I can't help feeling like she tolerates me more so than loves being with me.  Her point (where she was coming from) was that she would show the kids and my family that I am more messed up than they are (so, I think she somewhat agrees that what they are doing is something they would be better off not doing).  It isn't anything that would physically harm them, or put them in prison, but it isn't something I think they need to do, and my family would consider me a bad parent for tolerating it.  My parents would want me to threaten to cut off my funds to them if they don't quit, and that is exactly what I would have expected them to do to me in the same situation. 

Anyway, I have advised both of them that I think they should stop, and both have noted my advice and are proceeding on.  My son started it first, and my daughter volunteered that she would never do it, if for no other reason than to avoid putting me in the awkward position with my bigger family.  I reminded her of that when she told me that she was now doing the same thing, and she smiled and said "yeah, I know.  Sorry."

I am not mad at the kids.  I just want them to know I would rather they didn't, mainly because it will make my whole family think I am a bad parent, and I just don't want to hear the B.S.. I mean, I endure a LOT of internal stress in order to not cause dissent with all of them.  I cannot change my gender orientation.  They could certainly stop doing this.  (It is not drinking alcohol, but even if it were I think that is an appropriate response on my part.  My family doesn't care about alcohol, but they don't tolerate what the kids are doing.)

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Oldandcreaky on October 21, 2021, 12:54:59 pm
I wasn't raised as a Christian. My mother raised me to worship my father, who lived in our attic. I never saw him and he never spoke to us, but my mother told us that we must worship him or else, for my father's former best friend lived in the furnace in the basement where my father had cast him and if we didn't believe in our unseen, mute father, all-loving Dad would throw us in the furnace too. One day, my mother told us that my oldest brother had to die for our sins, but we had to torture him to death. Only then would our all-loving father forgive us.

Oh, we missed our slain brother.

"He's coming back," my mother assured his.

We never saw him, but my mother said that she did and he would come again. We keep waiting.


So, what's Christianity like?
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 21, 2021, 01:02:12 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
I read with sorrow what you have stated that you are going through with your wife and her kids (your step-kids)
It is not a mystery that Step-Parents can have a difficult experience when attempting to discipline and/or correct the biological children of a spouse.   

I am thinking that you maybe should not be upset about the "threat" of your wife outing you since you are committed to your transition journey.... but your concern over her divorcing you is certainly something you need to seriously think about.

You know your situation with your wife and her kids better than anyone so it would not be prudent of me to offer suggestions to you other than try to calm things down, and since the kids are now adults, perhaps you may consider "backing off" with your discipline attempts and let your wife handle the issues.

I am wishing you well in coming to an agreement and a cordial situation with your wife and her kids.

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Oldandcreaky on October 21, 2021, 01:03:44 pm
Rachel, you're in a tough spot. From my distant vantage point where I can't descry details, your wife and siblings strike me as mean and manipulative. I know you want to preserve those relationships, but part of me wonders,

WHY?
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 21, 2021, 01:31:27 pm
@Rachel Montgomery 
Dear Rachel:
Love, relationships, spouses, kids, etc.....   all very personal and delicate matters and sometimes complex situations that usually require deep thought, serious thinking, and eventually following your heart.   
Love and concern for enduring loving relationships is a powerful motivator in all of our lives.

So, for any of us to query someone to consider the question "WHY?" in the personal situation that Rachel described does not seem very useful... just in my opinion, that is all.

Rachel, I am wishing you well in coming to an amicable agreement with your spouse over these fractious family matters.

HUGS,   
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on October 21, 2021, 02:25:43 pm
Thanks.I appreciate your defense Danielle, but I wasn’t offended by what Old and Creaky said. 

O&C, my family is certainly Christian.  They are most displeased that I am agnostic.  So, that weight is already on the scale.  But, I figured that if I am wrong and they can convince me, that it would be very foolish of me to hide my agnosticism, and therefore not be shown my error.  So far, I have not been convinced that gods exist, but maybe.  And, if they do what are they like?  Like the OT?  Maybe, but that doesn’t have the ring of truth for me.  I find no fault with the core message of Jesus, and try to live as he advised.  The critical missing element is that I am not sure there is a god or an afterlife, and I think the joy and sense of peace one feels by helping others and in some small way participating in making the world a better place might be the only reward doing so brings.  If so, isn’t that enough?  If not, I just don’t understand what makes you tick, but that’s not me. 

As far as me disciplining them, I have not suggested that I would, and do not intend to.  I just (I thought) politely told them that it would cause problems with my extended family if they find out.  I didn’t threaten any action.  My wife wanted me to endorse whatever makes them happy.  Uh, no.  Not everything that makes you happy for a while is good in the long run.  Take heroine for an extreme example.  (They aren’t doing heroine, I would make a big deal over that.). This is a far lesser offense.

But, it is very something I would have been disciplined for doing.  And, again (I thought it was restrained), all I said was “I’d rather you didn’t, it is really going to make everyone on my side of the family upset, and they will say I am a bad parent.”  I at least felt they should know I didn’t support it. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Oldandcreaky on October 21, 2021, 07:45:19 pm
Rachel, I'm glad I didn't offend you because from my perspective, I'm protecting you. Your wife threatened to mass out you if you didn't submit to her will. Outing is a deal breaker for me. I've ended relationships over it. It's penetration of intimate space without consent to exercise power over another person.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on October 23, 2021, 09:07:01 pm
I am not angry that she threatened because I don’t believe she actually would do it.  She tends to announce punishment to the kids and then later dramatically reduce the punishment.  You can’t take her threats particularly seriously.  When she calms down (as in this case) she backtracks (as she did).

But, if she did she would probably divorce me, and that would break my heart.  I already have trouble trusting people, and that would pretty much make it impossible for me in the future.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: ChrissyRyan on October 23, 2021, 10:05:10 pm
I wish you the best Rachel.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on October 26, 2021, 01:08:18 am
Today (well, it’s after midnight so actually yesterday) my wife and I were riding home from a gathering and we were talking about whether she was more liberal, or I was.  The topic shifted to a friend of hers who was at the gathering, and my wife remarked that this friend was more liberal than either of us.  The conversation extended into a restaurant.  Sitting at the table she casually mentioned that if my secret ever got out that this friend would have no problem at all with it.  I suggested that because they are closer than she is to myself that she probably would feel bad for my wife and not be accepting.  My wife, however, was convinced that the friend would not be unaccepting at all.  I am not sure I believe that, but it felt sort of good to hear.  Maybe there is hope that I would have a friend (an ally) among my existing social circle.

I also noticed that my wife didn’t show a hint of anger or resentment over “my secret”, and just seemed rather casual about it.  I don’t know, but I wonder whether her change of attitude was due to my discussion with her about how she made me feel when she threatened to out me.  I reiterated that I am not ashamed of myself.  I didn’t seek this, I didn’t do anything I am aware of to cause it, and I didn’t choose it.  It is just something I have to struggle with and cope with as best I can.  She just smiled and said “I know.”

Anyway, the whole thing made me feel better, about our relationship and about our friend. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: jennifer7020 on October 26, 2021, 06:21:55 am
Today (well, it’s after midnight so actually yesterday) my wife and I were riding home from a gathering and we were talking about whether she was more liberal, or I was.  The topic shifted to a friend of hers who was at the gathering, and my wife remarked that this friend was more liberal than either of us.  The conversation extended into a restaurant.  Sitting at the table she casually mentioned that if my secret ever got out that this friend would have no problem at all with it.  I suggested that because they are closer than she is to myself that she probably would feel bad for my wife and not be accepting.  My wife, however, was convinced that the friend would not be unaccepting at all.  I am not sure I believe that, but it felt sort of good to hear.  Maybe there is hope that I would have a friend (an ally) among my existing social circle.

I also noticed that my wife didn’t show a hint of anger or resentment over “my secret”, and just seemed rather casual about it.  I don’t know, but I wonder whether her change of attitude was due to my discussion with her about how she made me feel when she threatened to out me.  I reiterated that I am not ashamed of myself.  I didn’t seek this, I didn’t do anything I am aware of to cause it, and I didn’t choose it.  It is just something I have to struggle with and cope with as best I can.  She just smiled and said “I know.”

Anyway, the whole thing made me feel better, about our relationship and about our friend.


Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. Right? Sounds like there is some progress and that is great. I am very happy for you!
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Oldandcreaky on October 26, 2021, 10:54:01 am
Quote
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.

Hey, that's Red!
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: jennifer7020 on October 26, 2021, 12:05:17 pm
Hey, that's Red!

Andy talking to Red.. isn't it?  Maybe there is some hope for Rachel's wife.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on November 10, 2021, 09:30:47 pm
So much going on in my life right now that I can’t share, but I can say it has been stressful and emotionally draining.  I am focused on minimizing harm and making the best of a terrible situation.

If you pray, please pray for me and my family.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Laura1951 on November 10, 2021, 09:46:50 pm
Hang in there Rachel. Transitioning is tough, but it's so much harder when you're married. We're all with you and hope you find peace during this challenging time.

Laura
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 10, 2021, 10:26:24 pm
So much going on in my life right now that I can’t share, but I can say it has been stressful and emotionally draining.  I am focused on minimizing harm and making the best of a terrible situation.

If you pray, please pray for me and my family.

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Yes indeed, transitioning is not for the weak... it takes personal fortitude and and a lot of determination in order to deal with existing relationships and to continue on in your journey.

Yes, I do pray and I will be trusting and praying for you and your situation.
Please keep me and the rest of your followers updated as you feel comfortable doing.

Wishing you peace, success, and happiness.
Stay healthy and stay safe,
HUGS and lots more HUGS   
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Julie H on November 10, 2021, 10:44:40 pm
Hugs if you need an ear send me a pm.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 12, 2021, 11:44:19 am
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:

                 

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on November 12, 2021, 11:45:01 am
Thank you all. 

I am sorry for being cryptic. 

I am still hoping to defer or avoid transitioning because that would probably end most of my relationships with my family.

Recently, there has been a different drama in my family which drama is not directly centered around to me, but most seriously effecting me.  To clarify, no one is upset with me, but many people in my family want nothing to do with each other now because of some personal decisions some members of my family have made.  It effects me because although I don't want any of my relationship to be negatively impacted, and therefor I am purely in the roll of mediator, I seem to be the singular person (hopefully later to be revealed to be among others, but right now just me) who want to remain close to all concerned. 

Harsh things have been said.  Feelings have been hurt.  Threats have been made.  And, much of the damage is beyond repair.  There are MANY challenges to be worked through with other family members if relations are to continue.  Some my choose to ghost both me and others.  Family holidays will be fractured.  But, unlike some, I may be able to preserve some decent relationship with everyone.  Maybe not.  If I come out as trans, the people objecting to what is being objected to would cut ties with me also.  so, the fracture line of this hanging point is along the fault line for me coming out. 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 12, 2021, 11:58:43 am
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
You are not alone with what you are going through.

I have personal and painful experience with my immediate and extended family
and what were my former good friends "back home."

I was not accepted and supported by my family, my parents especially, even to this day.  I even had acceptance difficulties with quite a few of my "former" friends back home...
Now since I relocated to Alaska to start my own business and to restart my life and relationships I have finally found
acceptance, support and very friendly relationships.

I would encourage you to attempt to try hard to make make things better at home and with your family...
... since you are married you just can't pack up and relocate. 

Might I suggest couples counseling, meeting with you therapist to discuss these specific issues, etc ? ???

HUGS and best wishes as always.
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on November 12, 2021, 12:26:53 pm
I am open to couples counseling.  My wife doesn't seem to be.  She felt that the couples counselor she and her first husband used was on his side.  So, she doesn't want a counselor.  She fears they would just say her concerns about my gender are her problem to deal with and hers alone.  While I believe that is true to a degree, in relationships things are rarely all up to one person to deal with.  Some compromise is often possible. 

An example would be, if I did transition we could agree to relocate to a place where it isn't as much of a taboo.  And, we could stay married, but each have out own bedroom, and share our lives as soul mates...no husband, just me and her together taking care of each other and legally married.  That would be a compromise.  What I'd prefer is to keep the same bedroom and be her wife.  But, regardless I would LIKE to spend my life with her.

Another compromise would be that we get divorced, buy houses next to each other, and remain a big part of each other's life. 

Again, I am not transitioning now, maybe never.  These are just examples of compromises to preserve a relationship.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: jennifer7020 on November 12, 2021, 02:32:31 pm
I am open to couples counseling.  My wife doesn't seem to be.  She felt that the couples counselor she and her first husband used was on his side.  So, she doesn't want a counselor.  She fears they would just say her concerns about my gender are her problem to deal with and hers alone.  While I believe that is true to a degree, in relationships things are rarely all up to one person to deal with.  Some compromise is often possible. 

An example would be, if I did transition we could agree to relocate to a place where it isn't as much of a taboo.  And, we could stay married, but each have out own bedroom, and share our lives as soul mates...no husband, just me and her together taking care of each other and legally married.  That would be a compromise.  What I'd prefer is to keep the same bedroom and be her wife.  But, regardless I would LIKE to spend my life with her.

Another compromise would be that we get divorced, buy houses next to each other, and remain a big part of each other's life. 

Again, I am not transitioning now, maybe never.  These are just examples of compromises to preserve a relationship.

In my own life, I am finding out compromise is not just possible, compromise is a requirement.  We aren't in hugely different places - something we've both noticed and commented on before.  In some ways, a lack of flexibility is like a fork in the road.  A marriage is a give and take, something that helps, supports and sustains. In my life anyway the compromises around who I am have all gone one way. There is a fork in my life-- live my own life or compromise myself 100% of the time. I can sense the love you have for your wife and hope you never get to where I am.

mmm someday, I think a good thread would be about places you think would be accepting.. but are not. leave that one there, albeit I think my beloved Boston (Mass) is not how many imagine it.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 12, 2021, 02:55:28 pm
- - - - - -
    - - - - - -
mmm someday, I think a good thread would be about places you think would be accepting.. but are not. leave that one there, albeit I think my beloved Boston (Mass) is not how many imagine it.
@jennifer7020
Dear Jennifer:
On some of the various sub-forums here there have been several threads that
discuss LGBTQ and trans-friendly places to live.
Here is a LINK below to just one of the several threads that may interest you.

                      Advice on places to live
click LINK --> https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,255739.0.html

Take some time to read various members postings and comments all around the Forums...
...you just may get some of the answers you are seeking.

HUGS and best wishes to you,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: jennifer7020 on November 12, 2021, 03:05:33 pm
@jennifer7020
Dear Jennifer:
On some of the various sub-forums here there have been several threads that
discuss LGBTQ and trans-friendly places to live.
Here is a LINK below to just one of the several threads that may interest you.

                      Advice on places to live
click LINK --> https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,255739.0.html

Take some time to read various members postings and comments all around the Forums...
...you just may get some of the answers you are seeking.

HUGS and best wishes to you,
Danielle


Thanks Danielle.. although I am not looking. Yet anyway.

Closer to realizing as I look to start HRT in the next few months more than a few friends are likely to fall out of my circle.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on November 12, 2021, 03:31:23 pm
Thanks Danielle.. although I am not looking. Yet anyway.

Closer to realizing as I look to start HRT in the next few months more than a few friends are likely to fall out of my circle.
You may not lose friends but it’s very possible that you will. Unless people have always known ur trans it will be a massive shock and close friends will often perceive grief at their loss. Many many people pleasantly surprise at how they adapt though!


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Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: jennifer7020 on November 13, 2021, 07:38:58 am
You may not lose friends but it’s very possible that you will. Unless people have always known ur trans it will be a massive shock and close friends will often perceive grief at their loss. Many many people pleasantly surprise at how they adapt though!


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without purloining too much of Rachel's blog... hope for the best, plan for the worst. right?

thanks!
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: EllenW on November 13, 2021, 11:26:58 am
I am open to couples counseling.  My wife doesn't seem to be.  She felt that the couples counselor she and her first husband used was on his side.  So, she doesn't want a counselor.  She fears they would just say her concerns about my gender are her problem to deal with and hers alone.

I fully understand your wife's concern about couples counseling. It worked for me and my wife was separate counseling. My therapist believes separate therapist is the best way to go. Each therapist would be working for what's best for the person they are seeing. Diane's therapist worked her to understand my GID. That I am the same person she fell in love. Even after transition. This really allowed us to continue as a couple during and after my transition to full time.

I strongly suggest that you get separate therapist. And remember, no matter what happens you have every on this site support you in whatever path you take.

Ellen
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Battle Goddess on November 17, 2021, 03:54:51 pm
So far, I have not been convinced that gods exist...

I used to be that way, too. I guess I only have evidence of one, but I'm not arguing with Her.

Regarding your kids, Rachel, I think you made a pretty good choice. They're outside your control. Even if they told you they'd stopped doing whatever it is, you'd have no way of knowing. It's all part of their growing up and testing their own boundaries to see where they themselves feel comfortable. You gave them additional information to consider, which is about all you can do. And at least they're willing to tell you what they're up to. Better openness and trust from them than concealment and catastrophe.

I hope your latest family uproar won't ruin your holiday. I don't think it's your job to assuage other peoples' drama, though. They don't get to pile that on top of all the other injustices they heap upon you.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on November 17, 2021, 04:58:48 pm
I used to be that way, too. I guess I only have evidence of one, but I'm not arguing with Her.

I’ll probably get into more trouble but that statement just requires a different perspective. I do wish that there was one and that it was a she. Sadly, my little girl being ripped away from this earth is all the proof I needed.


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Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on November 17, 2021, 07:09:57 pm
I’ll probably get into more trouble but that statement just requires a different perspective. I do wish that there was one and that it was a she. Sadly, my little girl being ripped away from this earth is all the proof I needed.


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I can't even imagine your pain.  I know there is nothing I can say to make it better, so I will just say:
I am very sorry for your loss.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Battle Goddess on November 18, 2021, 11:29:16 am
I’ll probably get into more trouble but that statement just requires a different perspective. I do wish that there was one and that it was a she. Sadly, my little girl being ripped away from this earth is all the proof I needed.


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Pammie, your grief resonates. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on November 18, 2021, 12:04:06 pm
Pammie, your grief resonates. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Thank you - it is something which changes everything forever. Transition is such a small thing in comparison.


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Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: EllenW on November 18, 2021, 02:21:14 pm
Thank you - it is something which changes everything forever. Transition is such a small thing in comparison.


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Pammie,

So true. My transition was so much easier than losing my wife Diane, who was the center of my universe for over 40 years. I cannot imagine  the lose of a child.

Ellen

Title: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Pammie on November 18, 2021, 04:24:53 pm
Pammie,

So true. My transition was so much easier than losing my wife Diane, who was the center of my universe for over 40 years. I cannot imagine  the lose of a child.

Ellen
Thanks Ellen. Losing your soul mate after 40 years together is also incredibly life changing and heartbreaking. Hugs.


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Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 25, 2021, 06:02:37 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
I always am eager to follow your journey as you feel comfortable sharing with
me and the rest of your avid followers.

As you navigate the transition road and encounter the highs and the lows do
know that we are all rooting for your success and happiness.

Please continue keeping us all updated

HUGS and best wishes.
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 25, 2021, 06:03:37 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel
I am wishing YOU
....a very :icon_flower: :icon_flower: Happy Birthday :icon_flower: :icon_flower:
I hope that your special day includes time with family and friends...
... with  Candles and CAKE.

***NOTE: On your November 26th birthday be certain to check your profile for a special birthday surprise! :)

HUGS, Warm regards and best wishes on your special day and birthday.
Danielle

                            (http://wp.appadvice.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Happy_birthday_cake-298x300.jpg)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on November 25, 2021, 09:13:13 pm
Thank you. 

Again, I am not transitioning at this time.  My family relations are quite strained at the moment (not so much with my wife and myself as my wife and my parents and my sister).  The strain has nothing to do with gender.  Most of my family has no idea I am transgender. 

I have been stressing about the strained relations, and the stress is having some negative health consequences.  This is reaching the level of interfering with work and hobbies.  I have sworn off watching sporting events, to pursue more relaxing interests.

I am trying to eat better (effective now, not effective earlier today).  I am taking supplements.  I am exercising.  I am meditating.  And, this weekend I plan to go hiking with my dog. 

My wife and I went over to a friend’s home for Thanksgiving dinner.  It was nice.  No family drama.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Battle Goddess on November 28, 2021, 04:33:37 pm
Happy birthday, Sweetie!

I gotta warn you: I'm at the point where I don't get carded anymore. Another ten or fifteen years, it might occasionally start to happen to you. Best you start preparing yourself.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Battle Goddess on November 28, 2021, 05:50:25 pm


I wasn't raised as a Christian. My mother raised me to worship my father, who lived in our attic. I never saw him and he never spoke to us, but my mother told us that we must worship him or else, for my father's former best friend lived in the furnace in the basement where my father had cast him and if we didn't believe in our unseen, mute father, all-loving Dad would throw us in the furnace too. One day, my mother told us that my oldest brother had to die for our sins, but we had to torture him to death. Only then would our all-loving father forgive us.

Oh, we missed our slain brother.

"He's coming back," my mother assured his.

We never saw him, but my mother said that she did and he would come again. We keep waiting.

O&C,

No judgment and no offense, but that sounds pretty wacky.

But I should talk. My buddy belongs to one where they nail their God to a tree and eat him while their holy men drink His blood. Once a year the Big Guy gets down from his tree and tells everyone He resigns, but He always shows up a few days later and says "just kidding." What a card!

There's a story about how someday He'll show up at the head of a zombie army, but that seems out of character. Maybe it's a metaphor, but for what? What could a seething, mindless horde devoted to a single master possibly put one in mind of?
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on November 28, 2021, 10:27:01 pm
Just last weekend I was with a group buying beer at a bar.  The bar tender said he needed to see everyone’s ID (ok, my wife and I were with my step kids and their college friends).  My wife and I pulled out our ID’s only to be told he wasn’t talking to us, and that he didn’t need to see our ID’s.  Oh, well.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 28, 2021, 10:38:57 pm
Just last weekend I was with a group buying beer at a bar.  The bar tender said he needed to see everyone’s ID (ok, my wife and I were with my step kids and their college friends).  My wife and I pulled out our ID’s only to be told he wasn’t talking to us, and that he didn’t need to see our ID’s.  Oh, well.

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Great story....  thank you for sharing.   ::)
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Battle Goddess on November 29, 2021, 12:38:59 pm
Just last weekend I was with a group buying beer at a bar.  The bar tender said he needed to see everyone’s ID (ok, my wife and I were with my step kids and their college friends).  My wife and I pulled out our ID’s only to be told he wasn’t talking to us, and that he didn’t need to see our ID’s.  Oh, well.

I'm sure he wasn't wearing his bifocals.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on November 29, 2021, 10:07:54 pm
He looked like he was about 30.  I don't look like a teenager, for sure.  In fact, I am feeling a panicky sort of "time is running out" feeling lately.  I think I have some good years left, but...probably not 20 good ones (judging from my parents and my in-laws health).  They are only about 20 years older than me, and are all unable to travel, or even go to a ball game.  Maybe, if my health holds up and I stay active, I can extend my time better than they have, but eventually age will catch up and wrestle me to a stop as well. 

So, in response to the cautionary examples of the older generation of my extended family, my wife and I are planning to travel more, be more physically active, and eat cleaner.  We are also planning to become more involved in local charities.  We'll make the best memories together that we can while we can, and help people who haven't been blessed in the ways we have to have a better life than they otherwise would.  At least when we find ourselves home bound, we can think back on the enjoyable times together and the good we accomplished.   

But, yes, "mid-life crises" time seems to have arrived I suppose (though I am past the middle and moving into the final third of life expectancy).  Time is running out.  Time to get serious about all of the things we said we'd do some day.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 29, 2021, 11:12:58 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:

All I can say is that your post is so very thought provoking to a lot of our members... and people in general.

I really like your stated themes of helping others, making memories, and taking care of ourselves so that we can live
long, and being healthy and comfortable physically as well as living a satisfied life.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.... in my opinion it is a "must read" for everyone.

HUGS and best wishes...   stay safe and stay healthy
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Battle Goddess on November 30, 2021, 02:04:50 pm
Yes, "mid-life crises" time seems to have arrived I suppose (though I am past the middle and moving into the final third of life expectancy).  Time is running out.  Time to get serious about all of the things we said we'd do some day.

Hrm...
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Oldandcreaky on November 30, 2021, 02:24:13 pm
You're making good decisions, Rachel, in considering your mortality, in doing what you want to do while you can still do it, and in choosing to give more. Well deciding, pretty girl.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on November 30, 2021, 04:53:18 pm
You're making good decisions, Rachel, in considering your mortality, in doing what you want to do while you can still do it, and in choosing to give more. Well deciding, pretty girl.

That is so sweet!  Thank you.   
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Oldandcreaky on November 30, 2021, 05:17:31 pm
That is so sweet!  Thank you.   

You bet your sweet bipee!
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on December 26, 2021, 05:10:30 pm
It has been a really long December, and there no reason to believe that next year will be better than the last.  But, what are the odds it could possibly be worse?  They can’t be good.  So, there is reason to hope it will be better (if just due to random luck).  Gee, I hope it isn’t somehow worse.  That would just be ridiculous.  Hanging in there, and trying to do the right thing, trying to maintain my relationships, and hoping that things will improve.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 26, 2021, 05:37:13 pm
It has been a really long December, and there no reason to believe that next year will be better than the last.  But, what are the odds it could possibly be worse?  They can’t be good.  So, there is reason to hope it will be better (if just due to random luck).  Gee, I hope it isn’t somehow worse.  That would just be ridiculous.  Hanging in there, and trying to do the right thing, trying to maintain my relationships, and hoping that things will improve.
@Rachel Montgomery:
Dear Rachel:
Yes indeed....  hope for the best but plan for the worst.
Be as positive as you can as you navigate your life events.
Positive thoughts will help to produce positive results.
.... on the other hand, negative thoughts can help to produce negative results.

I am wishing you well as you enter the New Year in 2022.

HUGS and more HUGS, 
Danielle

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Julie H on December 26, 2021, 05:38:27 pm
Hugs
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on December 29, 2021, 11:43:05 am
Like you, I'm projecting maybe 20 good years left. Today I read about UK waiting times. I'm fortunate to not have to face such long delays, but it drove home to me that I'd better get the ball rolling on some of the steps I still have to do. With the way our US politics are going I wouldn't be surprised to find access to care deteriorating here as well.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 13, 2022, 09:19:34 pm
Positive thoughts.  (Reminding myself) Everything will be alright.

Hopefully, I will be back on the Forum in a day or two.  If not, I appreciate the support you have given me.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel on January 15, 2022, 08:05:45 pm
Hi Rachel, I wish you the best in your last 1/3, whatever you decide to do.

I was driving on my way to work last week. There is a billboard on on the side of the road with the power ball and mega millions jackpot amounts. The power ball jackpot was up to 600 million. I thought to myself whoever wins I hope they are in good health to enjoy the winnings. I then thought I am healthy, have girlfriends and doing well, I already hit the jackpot. I have lived longer than the father and brother. My mother had a massive heart attack at age 58. Maybe I will get 20 years, maybe not.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 15, 2022, 08:35:52 pm
Obviously, (I wouldn’t be posting otherwise) I survived.  Still a bumpy road ahead for me.  But, I will get through it.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Battle Goddess on January 15, 2022, 09:01:01 pm
Aw, geez. I had 8-day coma in the bracket.

Good luck to the rest of you ladies. I forget who took that longshot on gangrene, but keep the faith!

 
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 15, 2022, 09:33:16 pm
Aw, geez. I had 8-day coma in the bracket.

Good luck to the rest of you ladies. I forget who took that longshot on gangrene, but keep the faith!

Ok, now I get it.   :D

Yes.  Whoever had “serious infection”, hang in there.  It could develop.  :)
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 15, 2022, 10:21:55 pm
Hmmm, very depressing to read all of the posts here on this thread regarding life-expectancy.

Obviously the reality has always been that we live and that we will die...
...the immutable truth of the cycle of life.

I recall a relevant quotation by Captain JeanLuc Picard of Star Trek Next Generation fame.
    “Recently, I've become aware that there are fewer days ahead than there are behind."


Another famous saying by the Vulcan First Officer, Spock....
     "Live long and proper"

Hang in their everyone, stay safe and stay healthy!!! Physically and Mentally !!!

HUGS and as always, best wishes, happiness, and success.
Danielle


Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: RandiL on January 15, 2022, 11:09:04 pm
Obviously, (I wouldn’t be posting otherwise) I survived.  Still a bumpy road ahead for me.  But, I will get through it.
Rachel, I'm glad you're back. Bumpy road indeed, the story of our lives.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 20, 2022, 06:40:26 pm
This probably won’t seem like a big thing to anyone else, and I myself don’t know EXACTLY what it signals.  Brief history: my wife used to get angry when women’s clothing catalogs came addressed to me, and I contacted all of the vendors and asked them to stop sending them (which they did). 

Elsewhere in life, my in-laws recently sold their home and moved to my city.  They are living in a temporary housing until their new home is built.  They are routing their packages to our home in the interim.

So, today my wife sorted the mail.  A women’s clothing catalog came (addressed to her mom) and she quietly put it with my mail.  No comment.  I don’t know if she didn’t bother to check the addressee or if she just thought I would like to look at it.  It is a store I have purchased from before.  She had said she wouldn’t be mean about my gender anymore, and that she was sorry for the way she had treated me.  She doesn’t like to talk about the subject, and I had promised not to bring it up.  But, if we don’t talk about this…it is very hard to know what is going on.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 20, 2022, 06:49:07 pm
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
This kinda sounds like fairly good news regarding your wife's improved attitude toward you... 

... and if I might suggest...  I would point out that the women's clothing catalog
was addressed to her mother...

 ;)....but be sure to look at it first and place your orders!!!!  :) ;)
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: ImAllie on January 20, 2022, 11:16:12 pm
Hey Rachel - Not sure if your wife is typically this way, but sometimes people who have problem expressing themselves verbally, especially when admitting they’re softening their position on things… might choose actions over words to get the point across.  Surely one mislabeled catalog isn’t conclusive? But, maybe its reason to be hopeful?
Lots of people rooting for you and here for you either way! Hang in there!

Love,
Allie
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on January 21, 2022, 12:18:29 am
Hey Rachel - Not sure if your wife is typically this way, but sometimes people who have problem expressing themselves verbally, especially when admitting they’re softening their position on things… might choose actions over words to get the point across.  Surely one mislabeled catalog isn’t conclusive? But, maybe its reason to be hopeful?
Lots of people rooting for you and here for you either way! Hang in there!

Love,
Allie

Thanks for the input y’all.

I talk about things more than she does (to be sure).  So, maybe she is more act oriented.

It wasn’t JUST that it was addressed to her mom.  Up until now, when a women’s catalog came addressed to me, she threw it away without giving it to me.  I knew it had come because she complained “You are NOT a woman.  You will never BE a woman.  Stop ordering women’s clothes.”

I haven’t had a catalog come here in years because of it.  They go to my office.  I get the mail there.  So,  I am not sure if she saw the addressee or not, but there was a change either way in that she didn’t throw it away…she gave it to me.  This means that either: if it had been for me, she would have given it to me; or, she gave it to me knowing it wasn’t for me.  Either way, she chose to give it to me.
Title: Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
Post by: EllenW on January 21, 2022, 10:59:02 am
Thanks for the input y’all.

I talk about things more than she does (to be sure).  So, maybe she is more act oriented.

It wasn’t JUST that it was addressed to her mom.  Up until now, when a women’s catalog came addressed to me, she threw it away without giving it to me.  I knew it had come because she complained “You are NOT a woman.  You will never BE a woman.  Stop ordering women’s clothes.”

I haven’t had a catalog come here in years because of it.  They go to my office.  I get the mail there.  So,  I am not sure if she saw the addressee or not, but there was a change either way in that she didn’t throw it away…she gave it to me.  This means that either: if it had been for me, she would have given it to me; or, she gave it to me knowing it wasn’t for me.  Either way, she chose to give it to me.

Rachel
I see this as very good news for you and your wife. My wife acted very much like yours at first. Then as time went on, she learned to accept my gender dysphoria. It was always in small steps and acts. It took time and patience on my part, but it was worth it. At the end of her life, she picked out Ellen as my new name and went with me on the GCS consultations.

Hopefully you wife will follow the same path and the two of you will have a stronger relationship for it.

Ellen