Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone.   Here is my introduction and story, finally. 

I have been on an intense 7 month journey with my spouse, 2 best friends and a few therapists..2 are heavy DSM 5 users, which has hurt my confidence and crested stress.   Now in a good place of acceptance and moving forward slowly.  Hear is my story.   

As a kid, very early, I never felt like I fit in or belonged.  I did not like guy sports or aggressive behaviour.   I liked hanging around the girls.   I remember wanting to be a girl and like the girls.   I remember dressing up at as early as 4 or 5, and constantly going through my mom and sisters things and wearing their clothes....putting a bra on and going out to play in my sand box.   

I developed a few guy friends that were gentler, deeper and different.   I often wondered if I was gay.

I grew up with a high level of emotional sensitivity and emphaty, not like guys I have known.   I also grew up struggling in school feeling different, and likely with a learning disability, like dyslexia.  I eventually suppressed my feminine side.

My family was relatively poor and worked 7 days a week.  Feeling laughed at and picked on, I begrudged teachers, kids and my parents...I became determined to prove them all I was good enough and could be successful with an amazing life.   All the while, cross dressing in private for short periods, feeling shame and guilt.  And then pushing her to the back of the closet and refocusing on my goals to be good enough and prove myself.

  Well 50 years later, I have amazing kids, a very good career and a great spouse, who I loved and envied from the time we first met (I know realize in hindsight). The problem is the suppressed feminine me has been there constantly, beneath the surface and peaking out more and more...when I idolized and wanted to be like women I would meet, when I would dream and think constantly about ways to get away with wearing women's clothes, let my sensitive side out periodically, cross dress for brief periods.   

Now that I have hit mid life, my parents have passed and my children don't need me as much, I have found myself on a 2 year journey and nagging feeling about my gender.   I have always wondered who I am and why I was different.    I started reading about gender when the national geographic came out...GenderRevolution...I hated my body hair and started to do laser last Spring, lost my mom and last parent....and 7 months ago, had a gay friend explain transgender to me...and the difference between gender and sexual orientation.   It was like lightning struck me. 

My life has been upside down for the last 7 months as I relive and make sense of my life.  I now believe and accept I am transgender, and am making small steps forward while figuring out how far to transition and mange my life.  On one hand it feels great and like I finally have an answer, and on the other scary and uncharted.   My spouse knows and on one hand, is very supportive so far, and on the other, does not want to see me or be with me as a woman.  It hurts, but I respect her wishes.

My challenge is cork is off the bottle, and I can't and don't want to put it back on. 

Lots to figure out.  I hope this helps, and anyone please challenge me if you think my diagnosis is flawed.   

Thanks for being here. 

Karen

Welcome and hold on tight to enjoy the journey you are embarking on. It's going to be great.

Hello Karen... I see that you were already welcomed to Susan's Place by KathyLauren and myself on another thread you initiated back on March 20th: 
   "Toronto"  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235629.msg2111581.html#msg2111581

   I am very pleased that you came to the Introductions Forum to let other members here know of your new membership at Susan's Place.

Now that you are visible as a new member you will find other members here that will be able to read your most interesting and detailed introduction post will likely start to exchange more post replies with you as you post in the Forums in topics of your choosing. 

When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. You might even find that you will make some new friends here.  Please come in and get involved at your own pace
.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Thanks

I mentioned in my intro I have had a few therapists.  I have actually had 3, my wife has one, and we are looking for a couples therapist with strong transgender experience.   I personally have been running 2 therapists - one supportive and helping me work through my childhood and emotions.  She is not a transgender expert, and has been amazing and the most accepting person in my life...apart from all of you. 

The second...the first transgender expert...was initially supportive and then pulled out DSM 5, siting transvestic disorder and autogyaphellia.  This triggered a lot of stress and feelings of rejection and judgment.   I challenged her and told her I did not agree with her assessment.  She repeated her assessment and told me to stop reading and thinking about being transgender.  As if...   We parted ways, and I was referred to a couple other TG experts, and have picked one to work with for a while. 

This new TG expert has very well known and has had some controversy surrounding them...  I think I picked them because of there depth and history, and a reputation for deep and analytical.  I have now spent almost 5 hours with him, and have done about 6 tests / surveys.  He is now talking to my wife's therapist, and plan to meet to discuss his findings and recommendations next week end.   He has been incredibly objective and thorough, and I know he knows TG. 

Regardless of his assesssment, this last 3 months have been stressful and my dysphoria has grown.  It has served to cause me to dig deep into myself and identify with who I am.  I know I am Transgender and know I am transition, and I know what feels good and what my desires are.  Exactly how far this goes, time will tell...and I am more able to see it and take it for the journey it is. 

Stay tuned and thanks for being here.  Always love and appreciate shared experience and advice. 

Karen.

I wouldn't be going to anyone that pulls out a diagnosis play book. Therapist should listen and feel what you are going thru. My therapist is also a trans woman and with all her experiences she classified me as unique. Some one opening a book would have had me committed but I am the happiest I've ever been.
I started on a med for something completely unrelated and ended up here in a relatively short time. I love the fact that my therapist live what she work

Quote from: Donna on April 15, 2018, 03:06:02 PM
I wouldn't be going to anyone that pulls out a diagnosis play book. Therapist should listen and feel what you are going thru. My therapist is also a trans woman and with all her experiences she classified me as unique. Some one opening a book would have had me committed but I am the happiest I've ever been.
I started on a med for something completely unrelated and ended up here in a relatively short time. I love the fact that my therapist live what she work

Thanks for sharing.   Your therapist sounds great.   Congrats on your journey and on the place you are now in!   

The next couple of weeks will tell if this therapist is right for me. 

Karen

Hi everyone. 

The last couple of days have been eventful. 

Last night I sent my sister, a big and important emotional support for me, 2 pictures of me...one this avatar and two a real me.  She replied "beautiful" and with love and support.  Omg how important is love and support ?

Today I had an annual get together with 2 dear friends and mentors.   After consulting my wife, who encouraged me to tell them,  I told them my story...3 hours later and many tears....and they were incredibly supportive and loving.  They offered regular support calls, and unconditional love and support.  We committed to living life to its fullest and support through the journey.   Who can ask for more? 

A really good day.  Feeling great and connected to me, my real self in ways I never dreamt. 

Thank you all for your encouragement and inspiration.

Karen.

Very nice and a great day. I am truly amazed at the support. I've never been hugged by more friends and acquaintances in my life. All women BTW.
It really makes me believe in the good in people.

     Karen congratulations on discovering your real self and finding such support it seems you have formed a solid foundation for your transition this can really help as it tends to be a wild ride at times as for your wife give her time as much as she needs mine has been dealing with this for three years and is just starting to come to terms with it

     Bobbisue :)

Quote from: Donna on April 16, 2018, 10:34:46 PM
Very nice and a great day. I am truly amazed at the support. I've never been hugged by more friends and acquaintances in my life. All women BTW.
It really makes me believe in the good in people.

Thanks Donna

It is amazing and feels good.  I do worry a bit about what happens after the initial emotion wears off, and they try to understand TG, or empathize with dysphoria and depression.   It is hard to understand or relate to something this uncommon.  I think I am going to provide some reading to them?

Karen

Quote from: bobbisue on April 16, 2018, 11:28:36 PM
     Karen congratulations on discovering your real self and finding such support it seems you have formed a solid foundation for your transition this can really help as it tends to be a wild ride at times as for your wife give her time as much as she needs mine has been dealing with this for three years and is just starting to come to terms with it

     Bobbisue :)

Thanks Bobbisue

I appreciate your thoughts and support.  As I have posted before, my wife has been in shock and dealing with this hard.  And it's triggered a lot of distress and depression in me.   She surprised me yesterday...I think she knew I needed to tell these two friends and I think she is beginning to acknowledge this is very real and growing within me.   We have talked a bit more lately and held each other lots too.   Time will tell...and it's good to have some good days.  It's good to feel love and care. 

Hugs. 

Karen

Quote from: Karen on April 17, 2018, 01:15:30 AM
Thanks Bobbisue

I appreciate your thoughts and support.  As I have posted before, my wife has been in shock and dealing with this hard.  And it's triggered a lot of distress and depression in me.   She surprised me yesterday...I think she knew I needed to tell these two friends and I think she is beginning to acknowledge this is very real and growing within me.   We have talked a bit more lately and held each other lots too.   Time will tell...and it's good to have some good days.  It's good to feel love and care. 

Hugs. 

Karen

Hi Karen,

I am just catching up on your thread. It's a huge shock to our wives when we come out to them, especially if there were never any prior signs. It is understandable that she would be hit quite hard with all of this. Be very patient with her and support her as much as you can. She will need it. I have leaned very heavily on my wife when I first came out to her. I put her under tremendous stress. I was a complete wreck, barely able to function at all. My wife put all her own issues aside to be there for me and support me through my darkest moments. I now see how unfair I was being to her. I did not give her adequate opportunity to process the news I had dumped on her.

Keep communicating with each other. I can't stress how important that is. It's good to hear that you are both working through this. Many couples manage to work through the stress and stay happily together even after one partner transitions.

I wish you well in your journey and look forward to hearing about your progress.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on April 17, 2018, 02:57:35 AM
Hi Karen,

I am just catching up on your thread. It's a huge shock to our wives when we come out to them, especially if there were never any prior signs. It is understandable that she would be hit quite hard with all of this. Be very patient with her and support her as much as you can. She will need it. I have leaned very heavily on my wife when I first came out to her. I put her under tremendous stress. I was a complete wreck, barely able to function at all. My wife put all her own issues aside to be there for me and support me through my darkest moments. I now see how unfair I was being to her. I did not give her adequate opportunity to process the news I had dumped on her.

Keep communicating with each other. I can't stress how important that is. It's good to hear that you are both working through this. Many couples manage to work through the stress and stay happily together even after one partner transitions.

I wish you well in your journey and look forward to hearing about your progress.

Jayne

Thank you again Jayne

I really appreciate your sharing and encouragement. 

I have put my wife under tremendous stress over the last 9 months.   While it has been hard for both of us, the fact is she has remained supportive in ways I don't think I could have if I was in her shoes.   We are now working very hard to be loving, close and warm, and open with each other.   She is needing the love and care as much as I do....and at times more than me.  My life is becoming clearer, while hers is becoming less so. 

Thank you again

Karen

It's a tough journey. Nobody ever chooses to be trans. We do the best we can. Hopefully with time, your wife's path will also become clearer to her and be a path you both travel together. The hardest thing I found is that no matter how excruciatingly slow my transition progress sometimes feels, it is still moving at lightning speed for my wife. I often need to remind myself of that when I feel like I am making no progress. I would rather progress at a snail pace with my wife by my side than go at a faster pace and end up leaving her behind and possibly losing her.

You are both getting therapy which is a good thing. It may also be helpful to see a therapist together from time to time to help keep you both on the same page.

Jayne

Hi everyone. 

What a day.  I had my therapist meeting today.  I was recommended a therapist, who is a tough leader in this  space.    Here's my update, after 5 hours of interviewing and about 7 assessments. 

- severe case of gender Dysphoria
- at the 97 th percentile of anxiety level

Recommended

- joint meeting with my wife, which I agree
- more talk therapy and or
- testosterone blocker and
- anti depressant
- And see how it goes. 

Don't know what to feel...validated, wanting to be me more than ever, are really scared. 

Any and all advice and love welcome.

Thank you all.  I feel more welcome and understood hear than almost anywhere right now.

Lots of hugs to you

Karen

Quote from: Karen on April 21, 2018, 07:09:13 PM
Hi everyone. 
What a day.  I had my therapist meeting today.  I was recommended a therapist, who is a tough leader in this  space.    Here's my update, after 5 hours of interviewing and about 7 assessments. 
- severe case of gender Dysphoria
- at the 97 th percentile of anxiety level
Recommended
- joint meeting with my wife, which I agree
- more talk therapy and or
- testosterone blocker and
- anti depressant
- And see how it goes. 
Don't know what to feel...validated, wanting to be me more than ever, are really scared. 
Any and all advice and love welcome.
Thank you all.  I feel more welcome and understood hear than almost anywhere right now.
Lots of hugs to you
Karen

Dear Karen: I am thinking that congratulations are definitely in order but as I review this post and review your entire thread, I know, as you certainly do, that you have quite a journey ahead of you.

Obviously your therapist's assessment of you as a result of your meetings: 
..... severe Dysphoria and a high Anxiety level can be your undoing unless you can get more help and counseling and are able to address those issues plus the other 5 assessments that your therapist told you about.   Certainly I would think that the joint meeting with you wife would perhaps be at the top of the list but of course all of those assessments are important to your mental and physical well-being.

YES indeed, you should feel validated and being scared is certainly an understandable thing for you given the information telling us about in your entire thread.

Advice???  I would be foolish to give you any advice other than continuing your talks with your therapist and eventually with your doctor.... and following their advice.

YES indeed, Susan's Place is a very welcome, good, friendly and helpful place for you to be in.  Many members here are in, or have been in your shoes and can share with you as you share with them on the various Forums.

.... and, PLEASE, not to worry, we all love you here and offer our understanding and support to you.
Best wishes as always... please keep your updates coming.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Karen on April 21, 2018, 07:09:13 PM
Hi everyone. 

What a day.  I had my therapist meeting today.  I was recommended a therapist, who is a tough leader in this  space.    Here's my update, after 5 hours of interviewing and about 7 assessments. 

- severe case of gender Dysphoria
- at the 97 th percentile of anxiety level

Recommended

- joint meeting with my wife, which I agree
- more talk therapy and or
- testosterone blocker and
- anti depressant
- And see how it goes. 

Don't know what to feel...validated, wanting to be me more than ever, are really scared. 

Any and all advice and love welcome.

Thank you all.  I feel more welcome and understood hear than almost anywhere right now.

Lots of hugs to you

Karen

Hi Karen,
I have to say, a good outcome with your therapist in the sense that you have answers to some of your questions. From my own personal experience, my anxiety was brought down to a more manageable level as I started to understand more about who I am. The worst part for me was not knowing what was "wrong" with me. Once I figured myself out, I was able to start taking steps to deal with the dysphoria.

A joint meeting with your wife would be very good. My wife comes along to some of my therapy sessions and we find it very helpful to both be there together. Our wives have just as much to deal with as we do. If there is good communication then there is a good chance for the marriage to survive and thrive.

Also, keep up the therapy for yourself. It will help you through many of the challenges yet to surface. It is a tough road we travel. So many things seem new and foreign but also feel so very right. One of the things I learnt in therapy was to understand and trust my emotions. Prior to that, I thought "emotion" was a swear word.

It sounds like you are much further along in understanding yourself than I was when I started this journey. I hope that means you will have an easier time than I did.

Validated, scared! Yep, those two things seem to come as a package deal. On one hand you want to be your true self more than anything and on the other hand you are scared to death to become your true self. The fear is natural and expected. I am still learning to get past some of my fears but I have also come a long way from where I used to be. It is a long, hard road which can bring incredible rewards. Try and enjoy the journey as much as possible. Break it down into smaller, more manageable steps. This will help reduce the fear and anxiety and it will also give you small rewards along the way as you reach each milestone.

You are among friends here at Susan's. People here have a unique understanding of the challenges we face, as only another trans person can.

Hug,

Jayne

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on April 21, 2018, 09:50:27 PM
Dear Karen: I am thinking that congratulations are definitely in order but as I review this post and review your entire thread, I know, as you certainly do, that you have quite a journey ahead of you.

Obviously your therapist's assessment of you as a result of your meetings: 
..... severe Dysphoria and a high Anxiety level can be your undoing unless you can get more help and counseling and are able to address those issues plus the other 5 assessments that your therapist told you about.   Certainly I would think that the joint meeting with you wife would perhaps be at the top of the list but of course all of those assessments are important to your mental and physical well-being.

YES indeed, you should feel validated and being scared is certainly an understandable thing for you given the information telling us about in your entire thread.

Advice???  I would be foolish to give you any advice other than continuing your talks with your therapist and eventually with your doctor.... and following their advice.

YES indeed, Susan's Place is a very welcome, good, friendly and helpful place for you to be in.  Many members here are in, or have been in your shoes and can share with you as you share with them on the various Forums.

.... and, PLEASE, not to worry, we all love you here and offer our understanding and support to you.
Best wishes as always... please keep your updates coming.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Thanks Danielle.  Your care and encouragement, and everyone's, is so appreciate.   I am better today...feeling more in control and positive in who I am.   One day at a time.

Thank you

Karen

Quote from: Jayne01 on April 22, 2018, 02:29:32 AM
Hi Karen,
I have to say, a good outcome with your therapist in the sense that you have answers to some of your questions. From my own personal experience, my anxiety was brought down to a more manageable level as I started to understand more about who I am. The worst part for me was not knowing what was "wrong" with me. Once I figured myself out, I was able to start taking steps to deal with the dysphoria.

A joint meeting with your wife would be very good. My wife comes along to some of my therapy sessions and we find it very helpful to both be there together. Our wives have just as much to deal with as we do. If there is good communication then there is a good chance for the marriage to survive and thrive.

Also, keep up the therapy for yourself. It will help you through many of the challenges yet to surface. It is a tough road we travel. So many things seem new and foreign but also feel so very right. One of the things I learnt in therapy was to understand and trust my emotions. Prior to that, I thought "emotion" was a swear word.

It sounds like you are much further along in understanding yourself than I was when I started this journey. I hope that means you will have an easier time than I did.

Validated, scared! Yep, those two things seem to come as a package deal. On one hand you want to be your true self more than anything and on the other hand you are scared to death to become your true self. The fear is natural and expected. I am still learning to get past some of my fears but I have also come a long way from where I used to be. It is a long, hard road which can bring incredible rewards. Try and enjoy the journey as much as possible. Break it down into smaller, more manageable steps. This will help reduce the fear and anxiety and it will also give you small rewards along the way as you reach each milestone.

You are among friends here at Susan's. People here have a unique understanding of the challenges we face, as only another trans person can.

Hug,

Jayne

Thanks Jayne.  I appreciate your thoughts and openness.   You are all so supportive and it is making a big difference for me. 

I am much better today.   Feeling more in control of how this unfolds, more loving and supportive of my wife and her journey, and feeling closer to "me".   

My wife is away and comes home tonight.   Looking forward to going on a long walk with her. 

Thank you.  Karen

     Hi Karen it sounds like you have made some big steps accepting yourself is one of the biggest that acceptance has helped me through some really hard times there lies a long road ahead while difficult at times it truly is the most wonderful journey you can take

     Bobbisue :)

Quote from: bobbisue on April 22, 2018, 04:48:58 PM
     Hi Karen it sounds like you have made some big steps accepting yourself is one of the biggest that acceptance has helped me through some really hard times there lies a long road ahead while difficult at times it truly is the most wonderful journey you can take

     Bobbisue :)

Thanks Bobbisue...

I appreciate your words and encouragement.   I thought I had accepted myself...the scared and anxious part is dominant today.  Accepting and feeling validated felt good yesterday, and now the fear and stress has stepped up big time.  I know it will pass and all will be great...we are going to make it that way!

And tonight I am updating my wife on this, as she was away for a girls week end.  I hate putting her through this.  We will make it!

Thanks again Bobbisue, and all of you amazing people.  The empathy and support I feel here is incredible. 

Karen

Quote from: Karen on April 22, 2018, 04:59:24 PM
Thanks Bobbisue...

I appreciate your words and encouragement.   I thought I had accepted myself...the scared and anxious part is dominant today.  Accepting and feeling validated felt good yesterday, and now the fear and stress has stepped up big time.  I know it will pass and all will be great...we are going to make it that way!

And tonight I am updating my wife on this, as she was away for a girls week end.  I hate putting her through this.  We will make it!

Thanks again Bobbisue, and all of you amazing people.  The empathy and support I feel here is incredible. 

Karen

Total acceptance can take time. The fear enters your mind which starts creating doubts. You are correct, it will pass. Hang in there and ride it out. You will find that the acceptance becomes more of the normal and the fear eventually fades away.

I find my fear and doubts increase every time I update my wife with something that upsets her. I need to remind myself that she is also processing things. She has been very clear that she isn't leaving me, so my fears are unfounded, but they are there nonetheless.

I hope it goes well with your wife tonight.

Take care.

Jayne

  Hi Karen,

  I'm Laurie and frankly do not remember if I had stopped by to say hi to you before or not. I will apologize and welcome you to Susan's Place just in case I hadn't previously done so. I see you know your way around already as I have seen and read some of your posts in other threads. As the other have said you are wanted and welcome here and many of us have been through similar things ourselves. I can sympathize with on on the circumstances with your wife but will refrain from giving you advice except to say talk with her. Communication is the key in any relationship.
  I  screwed up with my wife and family long ago. I didn't know what was wrong with me beyond a wish that I could have been born a girl and a life long history of crossdressing. As a result I didn't like myself, was an angry, insecure man with very low self esteem. I had to go through self loathing, alcoholism, and drug abuse, family alienation and divorce before beginning to change things. Still I did not discover that I was transgender until about a year and a half ago. I began transition and coming out. My failures didn't end there. No, I had to lose my rekindled relationship with my daughter and her family including my 5 grand children. This path can be hard as hell. I wish I had it to do over.
  Unfortunately my story isn't that unusual, but it doesn't have to be that way. You are doing the right things. Use those therapists. Be open and honest with them and with your wife. encourage your wife to be the same with you and her therapist. It will take time but good outcomes can be had.
  I have met several couples in my travels and they amaze me. Especially the wives. Their's is a rough road also some rougher than ours. In all of the ones I've met, their devotion and communication with each other stand out. If you two work at it together you can find the solution if there is one to be had. Good luck.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Hi Karen! Glad you're on the journey to find yourself. Hugs and the best of energy from the other side of the screen!

Enviado de meu Moto G (5) Plus usando Tapatalk

You are all amazing.  What a gift and blessing.   Thank you for sharing and your encouragement. 

Do any of you have experience with antidepressants early on?   Any advice?

And do any of you have experience with T blockers early on?  Any advice?

As you may have seen my therapist has recommended both.  I am thinking about the antidepressants first, until I get into see an endocrinologist. 

Thanks

Karen

I have read some of your other posts Karen and I am so pleased that you benefitted and discovered so much at your therapy session.

As you may know I started therapy last year and it has been really worthwhile for me also.

It is expected to feel both elated and scared and back and forth between them.

I note you have been recommended T blocker in due course. I have been on T blocker and on estrogen 11 weeks and I am already feel calm and peaceful and have much less aggravation and stress. I know I and all others must wait for the physical changes.

I wish you every happiness on your journey,

Hugs


Pamela

Quote from: Karen on April 22, 2018, 07:26:22 PM
You are all amazing.  What a gift and blessing.   Thank you for sharing and your encouragement. 

Do any of you have experience with antidepressants early on?   Any advice?

And do any of you have experience with T blockers early on?  Any advice?

As you may have seen my therapist has recommended both.  I am thinking about the antidepressants first, until I get into see an endocrinologist. 

Thanks

Karen

Hi Karen,

  I have some recent experience with an antidepressant. My therapist referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner for an anti depressant when I was depressed and on the verge of suicide. She prescribed an SSRI called Sertraline which is generic Zoloft. It took about 2 months to kick in but once it did my outlook on life began to improve. I was able once again to get out and meet with friends. Friends that were very concerned for my well being. Visiting them further improved my demeanor. Shortly after I visited with another member her and she now has a girlfriend though what she sees in me I'll never know. I do know that she has given me a reason to live again. I have also just returned home from a 7 week road trip where I met more members strewn all across this country and back. Most of them for the first time.
  If it was for the antidepressant I would probably not be here today to answer your question. I had made my plans and was only waiting for spring to go carry them out. I would say that taking my medications allowed me the time to feel better and that led to finding another reason to live. I just wish it hadn't taken 2 months to work.  I am taking it still and I'm not sure I should stop anytime soon as the issues that made me depressed are still there.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on April 23, 2018, 12:59:41 PM
Hi Karen,

  I have some recent experience with an antidepressant. My therapist referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner for an anti depressant when I was depressed and on the verge of suicide. She prescribed an SSRI called Sertraline which is generic Zoloft. It took about 2 months to kick in but once it did my outlook on life began to improve. I was able once again to get out and meet with friends. Friends that were very concerned for my well being. Visiting them further improved my demeanor. Shortly after I visited with another member her and she now has a girlfriend though what she sees in me I'll never know. I do know that she has given me a reason to live again. I have also just returned home from a 7 week road trip where I met more members strewn all across this country and back. Most of them for the first time.
  If it was for the antidepressant I would probably not be here today to answer your question. I had made my plans and was only waiting for spring to go carry them out. I would say that taking my medications allowed me the time to feel better and that led to finding another reason to live. I just wish it hadn't taken 2 months to work.  I am taking it still and I'm not sure I should stop anytime soon as the issues that made me depressed are still there.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks Laurie..

I appreciate you being so open.   This gives me confidence to make the next step.  I already wish the 2 months was gone.  I need a positive frame of mind to navigate all of this.  Thank you.  Karen

Quote from: pamelatransuk on April 23, 2018, 08:21:17 AM
I have read some of your other posts Karen and I am so pleased that you benefitted and discovered so much at your therapy session.

As you may know I started therapy last year and it has been really worthwhile for me also.

It is expected to feel both elated and scared and back and forth between them.

I note you have been recommended T blocker in due course. I have been on T blocker and on estrogen 11 weeks and I am already feel calm and peaceful and have much less aggravation and stress. I know I and all others must wait for the physical changes.

I wish you every happiness on your journey,

Hugs


Pamela

Thanks Pamela..

I appreciate your experience.  All he is suggesting is T blockers to help reduce dysphoria, but not estrogen....to avoid changes to my physical body. 

My understanding is that T blockers alone can help reduce dysphoria, but may not be sustainable without estrogen...??

Thanks

Karen

Quote from: Karen on April 23, 2018, 02:32:59 PM
Thanks Pamela..

I appreciate your experience.  All he is suggesting is T blockers to help reduce dysphoria, but not estrogen....to avoid changes to my physical body. 

My understanding is that T blockers alone can help reduce dysphoria, but may not be sustainable without estrogen...??

Thanks

Karen

Hi Karen,

I don't want to ruin any hopes you may have. Hormones affect everyone in different ways. I started on estrogen only. Initially a very low dose, but by 2 months I was on a very high doses. It did nothing for my dysphoria. I took a month break from any kind of HRT and then started in full dose of Spiro, Estrogen and Progesterone. I have been on HRT continuously for about 7 1/2 months now. In January, I got an estrogen implant, which delivers a much higher dose than pills or gels. I saw my endo yesterday and my T levels are almost zero, at the bottom end of the female range and my E is middle to high for a female that isn't pregnant. The HRT has had little effect on my dysphoria. It has worked wonders to calm my mind and tame the angry man inside my head, but the dysphoria has remained the same. It is also working quite nicely on the physical changes. In some ways, the dysphoria has become worse because I can think more clearly now which has made me realise how badly I want to be female. Due to other circumstances I haven't been able to do anything about how I present. Presenting male with what I now know to be a clearly female brain has made my dysphoria go insane.

This is just my experience and it differs to many other people. Hopefully T blockers alone are able to help you.

As for the anti depressants, I have a very small amount of experience. I tried them for a while a couple of years ago when I started on this journey. I was reluctant to try them because I wanted first to try and help myself without using drugs. They didn't seem to have any effect on me at all. I am told that I have a very strong immune system which may explain why many medications don't work on me. Therapy helped me with my depression. It saved my life. Personally, I would try the T blockers and therapy before anti depressants.

As I said, everyone gets affected in different ways. I just wanted to offer you my personal experience so that you get a different point of view.

I think the reason T blockers are not sustainable in the long term is because your body needs sex hormones (either T or E) to help maintain bone density. Someone jump in and correct me if I am wrong on that.

Keep us updated on how you are going.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on April 23, 2018, 03:46:41 PM
Hi Karen,

I don't want to ruin any hopes you may have. Hormones affect everyone in different ways. I started on estrogen only. Initially a very low dose, but by 2 months I was on a very high doses. It did nothing for my dysphoria. I took a month break from any kind of HRT and then started in full dose of Spiro, Estrogen and Progesterone. I have been on HRT continuously for about 7 1/2 months now. In January, I got an estrogen implant, which delivers a much higher dose than pills or gels. I saw my endo yesterday and my T levels are almost zero, at the bottom end of the female range and my E is middle to high for a female that isn't pregnant. The HRT has had little effect on my dysphoria. It has worked wonders to calm my mind and tame the angry man inside my head, but the dysphoria has remained the same. It is also working quite nicely on the physical changes. In some ways, the dysphoria has become worse because I can think more clearly now which has made me realise how badly I want to be female. Due to other circumstances I haven't been able to do anything about how I present. Presenting male with what I now know to be a clearly female brain has made my dysphoria go insane.

This is just my experience and it differs to many other people. Hopefully T blockers alone are able to help you.

As for the anti depressants, I have a very small amount of experience. I tried them for a while a couple of years ago when I started on this journey. I was reluctant to try them because I wanted first to try and help myself without using drugs. They didn't seem to have any effect on me at all. I am told that I have a very strong immune system which may explain why many medications don't work on me. Therapy helped me with my depression. It saved my life. Personally, I would try the T blockers and therapy before anti depressants.

As I said, everyone gets affected in different ways. I just wanted to offer you my personal experience so that you get a different point of view.

I think the reason T blockers are not sustainable in the long term is because your body needs sex hormones (either T or E) to help maintain bone density. Someone jump in and correct me if I am wrong on that.

Keep us updated on how you are going.

Jayne

Thanks Jayne..

Very helpful.  My reference to reducing dysphoria was in the broader sense...anxiety and calmness, which it sounds like worked for you.  I had not even considered gender dysphoria / physical dysphoria going through the roof...which I guess is how we find out how our mind is truly wired.     Good and even scarier for me.     

Side note, here's my day.  Started out sad and anxious about taking this to the next level and impact on my life (still learning to be focused and confident on key actions and decisions vs what might happen or others views).  Put on some very light make up, helped acknowledge "me".   Had a good and sensitive talk with my wife.   Got into work and the business of the day...having fun and in the game.  Mid day and mid afternoon, just wanting to go home and be my female me.   

You are not the first one to say avoid anti depressants...and focus on HRT.   My other therapist said keep your mind free so you can confront your feelings and understand them.   My issue is my anxiety level is so high, there are times I don't think I am going to make it.

Thanks for the help and advice!!!

Hugs

Karen

I get the anxiety. There are ways to manage it. I big part of it is finding a way to say to hell with what other people think. Yesterday I was walking around the city during busy lunch hour dressed in women's clothes, no makeup and a ridiculous looking patchy beard. It didn't bother me. There is no way I could have done that a few months ago. Give therapy a chance to help with your anxiety before resorting to medication. Figure out what is bothering you the most and start working on that with your therapist.

Jayne

Hi Karen,

I just found your thread, believe it or not, a mere month after you started it. (I really must start paying more attention.)

Just to add my little bit of input to an already well-developed thread.

On therapy:
My therapist never once told me I was transgender.  She has been a gender therapist for over 30 years. She listened, and she affirmed, and she kept me out of dark places. That's it. I came to my own conclusions. Therapists are not mind-readers.  No one can tell you what you are thinking, so for your first (idiot) therapist to come out and declare, "You are a fetishistic transvestite and have autogynophiiia" is insane. That's not therapy. That's a bunch of judgmental crap. She is a charlatan and did damage to you. I am so sorry you had to endure that.

On hormones:
Unfortunately, the meme "YMMV" applies here. Everyone is different.  Jayne01 got no relief from HRT. I got tremendous relief. The androgen blockers were a Godsend to me, as they eliminated my libido. In retrospect, I think when one is just starting out, anti-androgens may have more impact than estrogen. That's just my opinion, based on my reaction. It stopped the testosterone poisoning. It stopped the "fetishistic transvestism", which is to say I no longer resorted to the desperate ploy of cross-dressing (as it is defined) to relieve my gender dysphoria. That was worth the price of admission right there.

My first endocrinologist was very conservative, and it was three months before he even put me on a half-dose of transdermal estradiol patches. After five months, he increased the dosage, but my E2 levels were still in the male range. That said, it made a big difference. My dysphoria was gone. It was like a missing piece of my brain was now operating.  My identity as a person was no longer this blurred, distorted image.  I was female, there was no question.  That's when I knew I would do whatever it takes to transition. That decision dd not eliminate my fear, far from it, but it changed my transition from a dream to a goal.  And as you probably already know, the difference between a dream and a goal is having a plan.

On plans:
They don't work. I was outed to my kids by accident. I was outed to my co-workers because of an overheard conversation. To paraphrase another meme, "All transition plans fail upon first contact with reality."  So why have a plan?  To remind yourself what you are trying to achieve. To acknowledge who in your life is important to you. To have an internal compass when things get really tough. There will be lost friends. There will be crappy reactions at work. And very possibly some family members will turn their backs on you, or just tell you, "Good luck and I hope you find happiness, but I can't deal with this.  I'm out." That is a completely valid response. No one owes us acceptance.  Not your kids, not your wife.  They didn't sign up for this, you did. Don't be angry and don't be overcome with grief.  Initial reactions are not final reactions.  This is going to be a long road, Karen.  Take some deep breaths, and buckle up.

On you:
There is so much to admire about you. You are honest, and you are caring. You don't want anyone to get hurt. You just want to be happy.  I totally get it.  I am not a doctor, but I would counsel caution on taking anti-depressants.  You are in a very stressful situation that is causing you depression.  That's not a psychopathology, that's life! You don't need drugs, you need inner strength.  It's in there somewhere.  You may not believe that, but I didn't believe it either. I thought there was absolutely no way I could transition.  I was 100% certain I did not have the courage or the strength. Yet here I am.

On me:
I need to shut up now, lol, but I am a fan of yours and will be quietly rooting for you from the sidelines. If you ever want to chat, please do not hesitate to PM me. I will always respond. I'm on this site pretty much every day now.

With kindness,

Terri   


 

Quote from: Maybebaby56 on April 23, 2018, 05:25:55 PM
Hi Karen,

I just found your thread, believe it or not, a mere month after you started it. (I really must start paying more attention.)

Just to add my little bit of input to an already well-developed thread.

On therapy:
My therapist never once told me I was transgender.  She has been a gender therapist for over 30 years. She listened, and she affirmed, and she kept me out of dark places. That's it. I came to my own conclusions. Therapists are not mind-readers.  No one can tell you what you are thinking, so for your first (idiot) therapist to come out and declare, "You are a fetishistic transvestite and have autogynophiiia" is insane. That's not therapy. That's a bunch of judgmental crap. She is a charlatan and did damage to you. I am so sorry you had to endure that.

On hormones:
Unfortunately, the meme "YMMV" applies here. Everyone is different.  Jayne01 got no relief from HRT. I got tremendous relief. The androgen blockers were a Godsend to me, as they eliminated my libido. In retrospect, I think when one is just starting out, anti-androgens may have more impact than estrogen. That's just my opinion, based on my reaction. It stopped the testosterone poisoning. It stopped the "fetishistic transvestism", which is to say I no longer resorted to the desperate ploy of cross-dressing (as it is defined) to relieve my gender dysphoria. That was worth the price of admission right there.

My first endocrinologist was very conservative, and it was three months before he even put me on a half-dose of transdermal estradiol patches. After five months, he increased the dosage, but my E2 levels were still in the male range. That said, it made a big difference. My dysphoria was gone. It was like a missing piece of my brain was now operating.  My identity as a person was no longer this blurred, distorted image.  I was female, there was no question.  That's when I knew I would do whatever it takes to transition. That decision dd not eliminate my fear, far from it, but it changed my transition from a dream to a goal.  And as you probably already know, the difference between a dream and a goal is having a plan.

On plans:
They don't work. I was outed to my kids by accident. I was outed to my co-workers because of an overheard conversation. To paraphrase another meme, "All transition plans fail upon first contact with reality."  So why have a plan?  To remind yourself what you are trying to achieve. To acknowledge who in your life is important to you. To have an internal compass when things get really tough. There will be lost friends. There will be crappy reactions at work. And very possibly some family members will turn their backs on you, or just tell you, "Good luck and I hope you find happiness, but I can't deal with this.  I'm out." That is a completely valid response. No one owes us acceptance.  Not your kids, not your wife.  They didn't sign up for this, you did. Don't be angry and don't be overcome with grief.  Initial reactions are not final reactions.  This is going to be a long road, Karen.  Take some deep breaths, and buckle up.

On you:
There is so much to admire about you. You are honest, and you are caring. You don't want anyone to get hurt. You just want to be happy.  I totally get it.  I am not a doctor, but I would counsel caution on taking anti-depressants.  You are in a very stressful situation that is causing you depression.  That's not a psychopathology, that's life! You don't need drugs, you need inner strength.  It's in there somewhere.  You may not believe that, but I didn't believe it either. I thought there was absolutely no way I could transition.  I was 100% certain I did not have the courage or the strength. Yet here I am.

On me:
I need to shut up now, lol, but I am a fan of yours and will be quietly rooting for you from the sidelines. If you ever want to chat, please do not hesitate to PM me. I will always respond. I'm on this site pretty much every day now.

With kindness,

Terri   

Thanks Terri.    This is amazing.  I appreciate your experience and how candid you are.   You are so good for our confidence and perspective.   

I hope to see my MD tomorrow for a referral to the Endo.    😍

Stay tuned.   

Karen

I should probably clarify something I said earlier about dysphoria and hormones. When I first started HRT, after reading so many positive reports of how the dysphoria goes away it reduces considerably, I was full of hope that the same would happen to me. When it didn't, I was very disappointed and started doubting if I was even trans at all. Eventually I realised that the problem was my interpretation of the word dysphoria. I had a very black and white definition in my mind. To me dysphoria was the desire to be female. That desire never went away and has gotten even stronger with time. HRT did nothing to ease that desire. What HRT did do for me is clear my mind. It became crystal clear to me that inside this male body there is a woman crying to be let out. My desire to transition became stronger and I doubt that I can stop before I go the whole way. My perception of what dysphoria is initially confused me about how to interpret the effects of HRT. It took a while for me to sort through what used to just be noise in my head. HRT helped the noise go away.

I hope I haven't confused you too much.

Jayne

Hey no confusion. We all need to figure out what we are feeling and find the proper words and terminology to express it. No one ever said we would get it right first try.

HI there.    Thanks everyone again for your care and support.   

After this past week end, a dear friend, one of 4 cis friends that know my situation, also coached me on one day at a time and focusing on what we can control.   It is helping.

- called a labour and human rights lawyer.  What an amazing person and so gracious.  He is a truly Ally.  He really helped me understand that my work should not be a major risk or issue from a job or career front.  He also introduced me to two local women who transitioned and I am having drinks with one next week.  She too was so gracious.

- booked meeting for Saturday with my wife and my TG therapist.  Looking forward to helping her understand what severe gender Dysphoria means and talking through how to help her.  We want to make this work. 

- booked Saturday meeting with my MD for referral to androcronolgist 😉   My Dysphoria has been worse than ever, and I hope the anti androgen helps.   It's wild...in male mode and in my head at work.  I get in my car and immediately feel a heart broken and waning to be me, putting on some lip stick, scarf, etc...anything to acknowledge me.  Wanting so bad to be my female self, at least at home, is so overwhelming.   

In spite of the increasing Dysphoria, I feel great about the steps and how amazing people are. 

Thank you all for your care.  It's good to have a good couple of days.

Karen

Quote from: Karen on April 25, 2018, 08:11:07 PM
HI there.    Thanks everyone again for your care and support.   

After this past week end, a dear friend, one of 4 cis friends that know my situation, also coached me on one day at a time and focusing on what we can control.   It is helping.

- called a labour and human rights lawyer.  What an amazing person and so gracious.  He is a truly Ally.  He really helped me understand that my work should not be a major risk or issue from a job or career front.  He also introduced me to two local women who transitioned and I am having drinks with one next week.  She too was so gracious.

- booked meeting for Saturday with my wife and my TG therapist.  Looking forward to helping her understand what severe gender Dysphoria means and talking through how to help her.  We want to make this work. 

- booked Saturday meeting with my MD for referral to androcronolgist [emoji6]   My Dysphoria has been worse than ever, and I hope the anti androgen helps.   It's wild...in male mode and in my head at work.  I get in my car and immediately feel a heart broken and waning to be me, putting on some lip stick, scarf, etc...anything to acknowledge me.  Wanting so bad to be my female self, at least at home, is so overwhelming.   

In spite of the increasing Dysphoria, I feel great about the steps and how amazing people are. 

Thank you all for your care.  It's good to have a good couple of days.

Karen

Hi Karen,
It is so good you have some friends who know your situation and are willing to help you through the rough times.

I was pretty certain that Canada is pretty good with work laws for equal opportunity and human rights issues. I'm glad the lawyer was able to ease your mind on the work front. Also great that you are meeting up with one of the women the lawyer introduced. I have never met a woman who has transitioned (at least not that I know of).

It will take effort from both you and your wife. You both want to make it work, so that is a great start. Try to understand the challenges the other person is facing, then you can customise your journey to what best suits your individual needs. Compromises will have to be made. In my case, I have to move at what seems slower than snails pace for my wife to be able to keep up. I don't want to move forward with her falling too far behind. We are in this together. Don't forget to include your wife in your journey. It can be easy to get caught up in the excitement of finally treating the dysphoria. A positive step forward for you can seem like another nail in the coffin for your wife, until she has time to adjust to a new normal, then the process repeats with the next step. At least that is how it is in my situation. I hope the Saturday meeting goes well!

I hope an anti androgen can help get your dysphoria to a more tolerable level. As a wise friend just told me in my own thread (thank you Kathy), keep taking steps towards your goal, even if small steps are all you can take for now. Each step, no matter how small, will get you closer to where you need to be. For me, knowing that I am taking positive steps towards my goal helps keep the dysphoria tolerable. I have accepted that this is a long process along a very bumpy road, but I have an end goal in sight and I am now doing my best to enjoy the journey towards that goal.

Hang in there, Karen. You are doing great. Keep us updated on your progress.

Jayne

  Hi Karen,

  Girl, you had me googling androcronolgist it almost sounds right but I believe you meant an endocrinologist. They are the ones with the goodie if your MD can't get them for you. An anti androgen could very well help you with that dysphoria. Others have said it does. Your doctors are the ones that can tell you better the possibilities of the different drugs used in transition.
  Those steps you are taken are all good ones and should help you and your wife. I'll have my fingers crossed for you both.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thank you for your encouragement and support. 

Yes, bad spelling...endocrinologists... :)

I will let you know how the week end goes.  My wife seems to have moved into a very supportive place... She says she feels positive and empowered, and is getting good support from her naturopath and therapist.  In fact last nigh she texted me and said "I can look after the family and house.  You can lean on me."  This is the best news of any, as I take these next steps and oddly, at the same time feel like I am losing control of this.   

Lots of positive things happening,with a dysphoria level that seems to be growing at hyper speed. 

Thank you all for your care and support. 

Karen

     I missed that you are also from Canada As Jayne said we have great protections here since last June when Bill C16 received royal accent we became legally protected the same as any other group As to the anti androgens I found they did wonders for my mind and outlook YMMV  I am so glad your wife is supportive it really means so much

     Bobbisue :)

Quote from: Karen on April 27, 2018, 08:43:05 AM
Thank you for your encouragement and support. 

Yes, bad spelling...endocrinologists... :)

I will let you know how the week end goes.  My wife seems to have moved into a very supportive place... She says she feels positive and empowered, and is getting good support from her naturopath and therapist. In fact last nigh she texted me and said "I can look after the family and house.  You can lean on me." This is the best news of any, as I take these next steps and oddly, at the same time feel like I am losing control of this.   

Lots of positive things happening,with a dysphoria level that seems to be growing at hyper speed. 

Thank you all for your care and support. 
Karen

Karen:  Well, you mentioned about your wife moving into a supporting place and in her text she told you that you can lean on her.....   
Wow... that sounds like good news to me.

Are you and her going to your therapist together at times?   Usually that can be a good thing I think.
Oh, and the dysphoria can be a side-effect of transitioning and perhaps should diminish some as you continue your journey.  Hang it there, it can be a bumpy ride but usually it shouldl smooth out as you continue on.

Thank you for keeping us updated....
Hugs,
Danielle

Karen, great news that your wife is supporting. She sounds like a wonderful person. Cherish the effort she is making and the support she is offering. Also remember to support her when things get rough for her. Only this afternoon, my wife and I had a good talk and I realised that I have not been doing enough to support her. I became a little to absorbed with my own issues and wasn't as available to her as I should have been.

Take care,
Jayne

Hi Karen, I just found your thread and found it helpful for my own relationships.  My wife and I are in a loving situation, but it is hard for her too.  While she puts on a good face and professed support, she was confused on what my goals were.  We are now looking for a couples therapist that can help us clarify what they are and how they will affect our lives.  Communication is the key.
I'm glad for you that your wife is becoming more accepting of the situation.  It does make a huge difference when those you love help you out.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

Quote from: Jayne01 on April 27, 2018, 09:16:56 AM
Karen, great news that your wife is supporting. She sounds like a wonderful person. Cherish the effort she is making and the support she is offering. Also remember to support her when things get rough for her. Only this afternoon, my wife and I had a good talk and I realised that I have not been doing enough to support her. I became a little to absorbed with my own issues and wasn't as available to her as I should have been.

Take care,
Jayne

Thank you.  I can relate and I will work hard in supporting her...living with gratitude.  I can get so absorbed in my own anxiety, desire and dysphoria...

Thank you Jayne!

Karen

Thanks Jessica and Danielle...

I will up date everyone after Sunday.   

My wife and I are going to see my therapist together on Saturday so she can ask questions and learn.   And hopefully we will see a couples therapist next week to for the first time. 

I am also seeing my MD on Saturday and hope to get to an endocrinologist asap.   

This may shock all of you...but I have never knowingly met a transgender person face to face (other than looking in my mirror).   Monday night I am having drinks with a wonderful woman (TG), who the incredible lawyer introduced me to.   She seems so open and willing to connect.  I can't wait. 

Thank you all!

Big hugs

Karen

Quote from: Karen on April 27, 2018, 11:11:27 AM
Thanks Jessica and Danielle...

I will up date everyone after Sunday.   

My wife and I are going to see my therapist together on Saturday so she can ask questions and learn.   And hopefully we will see a couples therapist next week to for the first time. 

I am also seeing my MD on Saturday and hope to get to an endocrinologist asap.   

This may shock all of you...but I have never knowingly met a transgender person face to face (other than looking in my mirror).   Monday night I am having drinks with a wonderful woman (TG), who the incredible lawyer introduced me to.   She seems so open and willing to connect.  I can't wait. 

Thank you all!

Big hugs

Karen

It was when I started that I met my first transgender person at group therapy.  One of them and I have become good friends. 
It is a great relief being out with friends, whether they are trans or not, but it gives it a supportive twist when with someone you have a common interest.

Good luck on Saturday!...... Jessica

Quote from: Karen on April 27, 2018, 11:11:27 AM
Thanks Jessica and Danielle...

I will up date everyone after Sunday.   

My wife and I are going to see my therapist together on Saturday so she can ask questions and learn.   And hopefully we will see a couples therapist next week to for the first time. 

I am also seeing my MD on Saturday and hope to get to an endocrinologist asap.   

I hope it goes well with both the therapist and the doctor and that you get your referral for an endocrinologist.

Quote
This may shock all of you...but I have never knowingly met a transgender person face to face (other than looking in my mirror).   Monday night I am having drinks with a wonderful woman (TG), who the incredible lawyer introduced me to.   She seems so open and willing to connect.  I can't wait. 

No shock at all. Up until last week I was the same as you, then on Tuesday I met another member from here who has not yet transitioned, and yesterday I met a transgender pilot at work who has fully transitioned several years ago. It was really nice to finally meet someone else like me who understands what it's like to be transgender. Best wishes for your drinks meeting on Monday. I hope some of your questions get answered and fears laid to rest.

Jayne

Quote from: Karen on April 27, 2018, 08:43:05 AM
My wife... texted me and said "I can look after the family and house.  You can lean on me." 

That is s-o-o-o-o fantastic!  This augurs well for you, my dear.  This is such as blessing.

~Terri

Hi everyone...

It's been a busy few days for me.   

1. Had my MD meeting and got the anti anxiety medication - Celexa, and started taking it....dry mouth and headaches.  I will give it a couple more days...and might stop.   
2. MD has referred me to an endocrinologist for T Blockers...I can't wait.  Something tells me T blockers won't be enough. 
3. My wife and I had our joint meeting with my therapist.   It was very hard.  Inspite of her support in recent threads, she is having a really hard time.  It helped her to talk about it and confirm we are going to see a couples therapist.   
4. Last night I met with an older TG woman who transitioned in her late 60s.  What a wonderful woman.  So insightful and open about her journey.  I was so curious about how she managed it for so long....the reality is she suffered for through many periods of depression and started to transition in privately in her early 50s.   

Overall, I feel good about taking action on the things I can control vs all the things I am worried about.   During the day my anxiety and dysphoria is low, but in the morning and night challenging as I am closer to my feelings and want to live as me. 

Thank you all for listening and sharing!

Karen

Quote from: Karen on May 01, 2018, 03:03:07 PM
Hi everyone...

It's been a busy few days for me.   

1. Had my MD meeting and got the anti anxiety medication - Celexa, and started taking it....dry mouth and headaches.  I will give it a couple more days...and might stop.   
2. MD has referred me to an endocrinologist for T Blockers...I can't wait.  Something tells me T blockers won't be enough. 
3. My wife and I had our joint meeting with my therapist.   It was very hard.  Inspite of her support in recent threads, she is having a really hard time.  It helped her to talk about it and confirm we are going to see a couples therapist.   
4. Last night I met with an older TG woman who transitioned in her late 60s.  What a wonderful woman.  So insightful and open about her journey.  I was so curious about how she managed it for so long....the reality is she suffered for through many periods of depression and started to transition in privately in her early 50s.   

Overall, I feel good about taking action on the things I can control vs all the things I am worried about.   During the day my anxiety and dysphoria is low, but in the morning and night challenging as I am closer to my feelings and want to live as me. 

Thank you all for listening and sharing!

Karen

Karen: 
~Glad you are getting some meds that will help you with the problems you are having....  keep your doctor and/or the nurse in the loop if things don't improve.

~Well, at the beginning, the T-blockers alone WILL get you started on your transition journey... for many, it can be a common first step by your doctor.   Your doctor probably wants to see how low your T goes so the additional HRT drugs can be prescribed properly as blood tests are frequently checked.

~Regarding you and your wife meeting with your therapist ... there is no doubt that all of this is very, very difficult for her.  I give her Kudos for going with you the first time and for wanting to go with you to a couples therapist.

~It is very informative to meet and talk with older folks and/or those that have been transitioning for a long time ... even though their experience will be unique to them and most likely different from your experiences...
...there can be valuable lessons to be learned... talk and share and listen..

~Yes, taking positive actions on the things that you can control are the right things to do and will make you feel better about yourself and result in positive improvements....  Yes, during the day, your feelings will go up and down... at least that was normal for me.... and still is sometimes.

Thanks for posting your updates. 
I am always looking for what you are posting here on your thread and elsewhere on the Forums.
Hugs,
Danielle
.

Hi Karen,

  Yes, you and your wife have been busy, and busy in a good way. I cannot add much to what Danielle has said  that you already do not know. As for the anti anxiety meds, when I started my Sertraline (Zoloft) the first 3 days were interesting. I likened it to being back on drugs. Which of course it is but I meant street drugs. My head felt a bit strange, I had a cold period for about 20 minutes where I shivered like I was freezing that was followed by a hot flash for a bout 15 minutes then it went away never to return. After 3 days I felt no effects from taking the medication. That persisted for about a month and a half when I began to feel less depressed. Like things were getting a little better. It took a few weeks more for me to feel good enough to escape actively thinking of doing away with myself. a few more to staop talking about having had those thoughts.   What I am trying to say is you will need to give you meds the time they will need to work and it may take several week for you to know whether they are or not. The initial getting used to them should only be several days. Good Luck Karen.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Karen on May 01, 2018, 03:03:07 PM
Hi everyone...

It's been a busy few days for me.   

1. Had my MD meeting and got the anti anxiety medication - Celexa, and started taking it....dry mouth and headaches.  I will give it a couple more days...and might stop.   
2. MD has referred me to an endocrinologist for T Blockers...I can't wait.  Something tells me T blockers won't be enough. 
3. My wife and I had our joint meeting with my therapist.   It was very hard.  Inspite of her support in recent threads, she is having a really hard time.  It helped her to talk about it and confirm we are going to see a couples therapist.   
4. Last night I met with an older TG woman who transitioned in her late 60s.  What a wonderful woman.  So insightful and open about her journey.  I was so curious about how she managed it for so long....the reality is she suffered for through many periods of depression and started to transition in privately in her early 50s.   

Overall, I feel good about taking action on the things I can control vs all the things I am worried about.   During the day my anxiety and dysphoria is low, but in the morning and night challenging as I am closer to my feelings and want to live as me. 

Thank you all for listening and sharing!

Karen

Hi Karen,

You have been busy indeed.

Great news about getting a referral to an endocrinologist. Is there a waiting period or can you get in fairly soon? I was wondering about your anti anxiety meds. If you will soon be getting on T blockers, is it worth postponing the anti anxiety medication if you think you can handle it. Maybe the T blockers will accomplish the task of reducing your anxiety, because you will have officially begun your medical transition to becoming female. Just a thought.

It is fantastic that your wife is putting in the effort to speak with a therapist and willing to go to couples therapy. This is just as hard, possibly even harder, for her as it is for you. I find it heart warming that many partners are willing to push through the hard times because their love for one another is worth fighting for. I am one of those fortunate people too. It's not an easy road but there are some wonderful rewards along the way.

You can learn a lot from someone who has transitioned and already been where you are about to go. Even better when they are a nice person as well.

Take care,
Jayne

Hi everyone...

Doing a bit better the last couple of days.

Still trying to get into an Endocrinologyst....OMG it is hard to get responses and a booking?   Any advice on finding a good one and getting in in Canada would be appreciated.   

Thanks again for all your support and advice.

Karen

Quote from: Karen on May 02, 2018, 05:35:57 PM
Hi everyone...

Doing a bit better the last couple of days.

Still trying to get into an Endocrinologyst....OMG it is hard to get responses and a booking?   Any advice on finding a good one and getting in in Canada would be appreciated.   

Thanks again for all your support and advice.

Karen

Karen:   My small town barely has a doctor and an emergency clinic.      My Endo is in Anchorage, a 7 hour drive away, and there are several others there with very little wait times I think.   When I first moved here I got my first Endo appointment in less than 2 weeks. ... perhaps I was lucky.   Being in the USA I don't think that they will recognize the government CHA or private Canadian Health Insurance.... but I could be wrong???

Sorry that I can't be of any help to you with the problems you are having where you live.... good luck getting in, I know that waiting really tests a transgender's patience to the max.

Hang in there, girl.   Patience is a virtue.
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Karen on May 02, 2018, 05:35:57 PM
Hi everyone...

Doing a bit better the last couple of days.

Still trying to get into an Endocrinologyst....OMG it is hard to get responses and a booking?   Any advice on finding a good one and getting in in Canada would be appreciated.   

Thanks again for all your support and advice.

Karen

I don't know about where you are for access but here in Alberta it is so convoluted. It took two months to get a letter back from the doctor that works with the TG community. He requested a referral letter from my therapist and fortunately their office is on the accepted list otherwise I would have to move or take my reports elsewhere. At this point 3 months post request I still have another month to get the letter. After that I can then make an appointment and this doctor is the gatekeeper for all further treatments. If surgery is in the future it then needs one more letter and typically the doctor that does that one is 3 hrs away and who knows how many months. They are still requiring 1 year living as female according to Wpath to be considered for surgery's. I'm fortunate ???? That the testes are coming out due to a major cyst growth after July. My urologist is doing that much for me.

Thanks everyone. 

Doing better this week.   I think it might be the anti anxiety meds and having a plan.   The Dysphoria is still there, just less intense.   

Still working on an endocrinologist referral.   Can't wait.   

And still working on couples counsellor dates.

And am going to start meditation. 

One day at a time

Hugs to all of you.

Karen

Quote from: Karen on May 06, 2018, 08:56:19 AM
Thanks everyone. 

Doing better this week.   I think it might be the anti anxiety meds and having a plan.   The Dysphoria is still there, just less intense.   

Still working on an endocrinologist referral.   Can't wait.   

And still working on couples counsellor dates.

And am going to start meditation. 

One day at a time

Hugs to all of you.

Karen

Having a plan can be helpful with managing anxiety. I didn't have a plan and lately my anxiety has been escalating to an uncomfortable level. Just creating a rough plan in my head has helped bring the anxiety back down.

Glad to see you are doing better.

Jayne

Quote from: Karen on May 02, 2018, 05:35:57 PM
Still trying to get into an Endocrinologyst....OMG it is hard to get responses and a booking?   Any advice on finding a good one and getting in in Canada would be appreciated.   

It varies by province, but specialists are hard to get appointments with in all parts of the country.  Here in NS, there are only two endos, and the waiting list to see either one is about two years. (!)  I think it's not quite so bad elsewhere, but not necessarily a lot better.

I started my HRT without seeing an endo.  There's a clinic, staffed by ordinary GPs who have educated themselves on trans issues and WPATH standards.  They take uncomplicated cases.  Ordinarily, my age would have gotten me sent to an endo, but I am in excellent health, with no complications, so they took me on.

My wait time was only four months.  There might be similar clinics where you are.

Here in Calgary we have basically one doctor to go thru. Edmonton has a few and once you are looking for surgery you end up there for a second letter. That's the way it was for my daughter at least. I did luck out and find a GP with trans experience that started me on estrogen. So I'm a little ahead of the curve when I finally get an appointment here. So far it's three months since the request and possibly another month until I even get a date to see the doc here.

Hi everyone... 

It's been a few days since I have been active.   It's been good to follow all of your journeys.

My anxiety levels seem to be coming down with the antidepressants....they seem to be working.   When I missed a day, I was quite anxious and edgy...?   I seem to be doing better and my Dysphoria is not as loud.   That said, the Dysphoria is not gone.

I am still wearing my feminine underthings and can't imagine going back.    I have been traveling with work and sleeping as Karen in my favorited nighty.  It feels so good and hard to go back to male mode in the morning. 

Still trying to find a endocrinologist...but not giving up.

And still working on the couples therapist bookings.   I am happier, so it does not feel so pressing for my wife and I.....but we will need it as time progresses.   

Slow but sure and happier.   Thanks for your support and encouragement. 

Karen

Ps. Had a moment today.  In a conference at work with lots of managers doing a diversity and inclusion session.  The exercise was to tell your story and when you felt you did not fit in.  I did not come out, but did say that I have never felt like I fit.  My table partner told his story and said he always has felt like he fit...like always.  I thought wow...how is that possible.  One person shared they are bisexual.  I looked across the room and felt very alone...and wondered how many people are covering some major part of their identity.   Made me scared to come out.   

Hello Karen.  It seems things are looking up to a degree.  I hope the trend continues.

I can certainly relate to you PS as I never felt as if I fit in at my work either, despite being a manager that was well regarded.  I always felt I was on the fringe.  The feeling of being alone is a very apt description.  Please don't be afraid to come out and be who you are, when the time is right for You. 

Judi

Quote from: Karen on May 09, 2018, 07:37:18 PM
Hi everyone... 

It's been a few days since I have been active.   It's been good to follow all of your journeys.

My anxiety levels seem to be coming down with the antidepressants....they seem to be working.   When I missed a day, I was quite anxious and edgy...?   I seem to be doing better and my Dysphoria is not as loud.   That said, the Dysphoria is not gone.

I am still wearing my feminine underthings and can't imagine going back.    I have been traveling with work and sleeping as Karen in my favorited nighty.  It feels so good and hard to go back to male mode in the morning. 

Still trying to find a endocrinologist...but not giving up.

And still working on the couples therapist bookings.   I am happier, so it does not feel so pressing for my wife and I.....but we will need it as time progresses.   

Slow but sure and happier.   Thanks for your support and encouragement. 

Karen

Ps. Had a moment today.  In a conference at work with lots of managers doing a diversity and inclusion session.  The exercise was to tell your story and when you felt you did not fit in.  I did not come out, but did say that I have never felt like I fit.  My table partner told his story and said he always has felt like he fit...like always.  I thought wow...how is that possible.  One person shared they are bisexual.  I looked across the room and felt very alone...and wondered how many people are covering some major part of their identity.   Made me scared to come out.

Hi Karen, I am glad the antidepressants are working for you. It will help keep your mind clear so that you can make better decisions along your journey. It's great your dysphoria has become a little quieter. The fact that it's not gone is telling you that your journey is still evolving and you are not yet where you need to be.

You always sleep as Karen, regardless of what you are wearing. Karen is who you are on the inside. It's good that Your night clothes are helping you feel good.

I hope you find an endocrinologist soon. Have you put yourself in any waiting lists? Sometimes an appointment can pop up unexpectedly.

You being happier will have a positive effect on your wife. If she is anything like my wife, it is probably more painful for her to see you in distress than her having to deal with you being trans. Couples therapy is still a good thing to do. There are very stressful times along this journey. It good to have some therapy to help get through the really hard times.

Don't worry too much about being scared to come out. You will know when you feel ready to do so. When you are ready, it won't feel as scary as it does now. And don't feel pressured to come out at any kind of work related diversity conference because someone else cane out with their secret. You only come out when you are ready and under your own terms. This is your journey and you are in charge.

Happy to see you are feeling better.

Take care,
Jayne

Hi Karen!

I just found this thread tonight. You are an amazingly open and genuine woman. I love being able to read how you are progressing - and not only because your experience is so relatable for others here. I can feel your emotions when I read your posts since they are so open on the page. I wish only the absolute best for you and your wife as you take this journey - and I will be following from now on!!


xoxoxoxo
Alyssa

Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on May 09, 2018, 08:07:19 PM
Hello Karen.  It seems things are looking up to a degree.  I hope the trend continues.

I can certainly relate to you PS as I never felt as if I fit in at my work either, despite being a manager that was well regarded.  I always felt I was on the fringe.  The feeling of being alone is a very apt description.  Please don't be afraid to come out and be who you are, when the time is right for You. 

Judi

Thanks Judi

I appreciate you sharing.  It is odd knowing you are loved and valued, yet still don't feel you fit or are on the fringe.   I always thought it was purely lingering childhood insecurities.  Now I know and understand a big part has always been not being aligned between my inside and outside. 

Hugs

Karen

Quote from: Jayne01 on May 09, 2018, 09:56:10 PM
Hi Karen, I am glad the antidepressants are working for you. It will help keep your mind clear so that you can make better decisions along your journey. It's great your dysphoria has become a little quieter. The fact that it's not gone is telling you that your journey is still evolving and you are not yet where you need to be.

You always sleep as Karen, regardless of what you are wearing. Karen is who you are on the inside. It's good that Your night clothes are helping you feel good.

I hope you find an endocrinologist soon. Have you put yourself in any waiting lists? Sometimes an appointment can pop up unexpectedly.

You being happier will have a positive effect on your wife. If she is anything like my wife, it is probably more painful for her to see you in distress than her having to deal with you being trans. Couples therapy is still a good thing to do. There are very stressful times along this journey. It good to have some therapy to help get through the really hard times.

Don't worry too much about being scared to come out. You will know when you feel ready to do so. When you are ready, it won't feel as scary as it does now. And don't feel pressured to come out at any kind of work related diversity conference because someone else cane out with their secret. You only come out when you are ready and under your own terms. This is your journey and you are in charge.

Happy to see you are feeling better.

Take care,
Jayne

Thanks Jayne.  You are amazing and so supportive.   

All is going good, and there is more transition to go.  Oddly, my Dysphoria includes clothes, face, chest and lower parts.  I tuck my genitles all the time, and wish daily they were gone.  It's bearable but the wishes for changes are there.   

I will book the couples therapy this week yet.

My problem with coming out, is my protection of my family.   I am know at work for being very authentic and open...little do they know.  But it makes me just want to talk about it openly.   I have to restrain myself at times. 

Thanks again.  Hugs

Karen

Quote from: Alyssa Bree on May 09, 2018, 10:48:19 PM
Hi Karen!

I just found this thread tonight. You are an amazingly open and genuine woman. I love being able to read how you are progressing - and not only because your experience is so relatable for others here. I can feel your emotions when I read your posts since they are so open on the page. I wish only the absolute best for you and your wife as you take this journey - and I will be following from now on!!


xoxoxoxo
Alyssa

Thank you Alyssa

You are way to kind.  I am humbled.   

It is nice knowing you are here.  This is an amazing place full of incredible and loving human beings.  This is the one place where I get to be me and share openly. 

Thank you.  Hugs!

Karen

Hi all...

I had the shock of my 5 o'clock shadow coming back.   Booked an emergency laser treatment :).  Wholly crap did this one hurt!!!!

But I am happy again :) 

Talk soon

Karen

That is so weird. With my T dropping I'm sprouting little black hairs all over and my knuckle hair is growing faster. They say it's a side effect of the eligard injection and will reverse, damn I hope so

Quote from: Karen on May 10, 2018, 08:39:28 PM
Thanks Jayne.  You are amazing and so supportive.   

All is going good, and there is more transition to go.  Oddly, my Dysphoria includes clothes, face, chest and lower parts.  I tuck my genitles all the time, and wish daily they were gone.  It's bearable but the wishes for changes are there.   

I will book the couples therapy this week yet.

My problem with coming out, is my protection of my family.   I am know at work for being very authentic and open...little do they know.  But it makes me just want to talk about it openly.   I have to restrain myself at times. 

Thanks again.  Hugs

Karen

Hi Karen,
I am happy to hear all is going good. There is nothing odd about what is included in your dysphoria. Everything you listed is common for many of us here. I have recently started seeing my dysphoria as something with layers. As I address the top layer of dysphoria, the next layer reveals itself and becomes a kind of priority. Currently my voice is high on the list. With each layer of dysphoria that I get under control, the total dysphoric effect becomes less and less. I still have a long way to go, but I am beating this slowly.

I hope the couples therapy goes well and both you and your wife find it helpful.

I feel exactly the same way as you at work. I am highly respected both professionally and on a personal level and known for my honesty. It is very hard to continue keeping this secret, but my wife is most important to me and I will go to great lengths to protect her. Only less than an hour ago I was talking with one of my coworkers about something non work related. In the conversation he mentioned that he noticed I haven't been myself lately. He assumed it was just the workplace blues. I wanted to tell him the real reason, but I also had to restrain myself. Figure out the priorities of who needs to know and when. When you finally do come out, hopefully people will understand why yo needed to keep this a secret until the tone was right.

I do understand how hard it is to restrain yourself when all you want to do is introduce the world to the real you.

Hang in there. Work on maintaining a solid and honest relationship with your immediate family. They are most important to you.

Jayne

Hi everyone. 

It's been a tough few days.   My anxiety came back loud over the week end.  Better now.

I am trying to figure out what it was?

- week end with spouse and kids and having to be the "man"...man clothes, no make up
- Mother's Day ...feeling like I will never be a mom and not looking forward to Father's Day.  I am very proud of my kids and family but not looking forward to the man side of Father's Day and all the norms and pronouns
- my first Mother's Day without my mom
- allergies

I am better now.  On a business trip as me, acting and sleeping as me. 

Booked couples therapy and still waiting for endo appointment. 

Can any of you  relate to Mother's day anxiety and dysphoria?

Thanks

Karen

Quote from: Karen on May 15, 2018, 08:14:18 AM
Hi everyone. 

It's been a tough few days.   My anxiety came back loud over the week end.  Better now.

I am trying to figure out what it was?

- week end with spouse and kids and having to be the "man"...man clothes, no make up
- Mother's Day ...feeling like I will never be a mom and not looking forward to Father's Day.  I am very proud of my kids and family but not looking forward to the man side of Father's Day and all the norms and pronouns
- my first Mother's Day without my mom
- allergies

I am better now.  On a business trip as me, acting and sleeping as me. 

Booked couples therapy and still waiting for endo appointment. 

Can any of you  relate to Mother's day anxiety and dysphoria?

Thanks

Karen

Hi Karen,
I'm sorry your anxiety has come back loudly. You are probably on the right track with your thoughts on what caused it. It is most likely a bit of everything that all combined to give you the discomfort you experienced.

I don't have kids, so Mother's Day has no personal special meaning to me. I know others experience heightened dysphoria around Mother's Day. With Father's Day, maybe you could come up with an alternative date that celebrates you as a parent without the usual Father's Day norms.

Good news on booking a couples therapy appointment. Any progress no matter how big or small is good progress. I hope you soon get an endo appointment.

Thank you for your update and I'm glad you are feeling better following your weekend anxiety.

Jayne

Hi everyone.  I hope all is good with all of you!

Had a chance to reflect on my recent anxiety and dysphoria.  It was not the Reactine for allergies with the SSRI.   I am pretty sure it was simply not feeling well given allergies / change of seasons, dysphoria and anxiety after being "me" for a period and having to go back to male mode, and Mother's Day...thinking I am not much of a mom and clearly don't feel like a dad with Father's Day coming.  WE NEED TO CREATE A PARENTS DAY :)

I have been doing work in getting fast tracked to an endocrinologist....it is wild how everything has a lesson.   Lots of anxiety with waiting and wondering...should i or should i not; what if people talk and out me.   Now it is looking like I should have an appointment in July at the latest.  And I am totally good with this next step.  And I have told my story now to at least 8 to 10 medical professionals in my attempt to get appointments, on top of a few others.   

My story is in their hands.  And really....who cares and what is the worst that can happen?  If it gets out and I get to tell people the truth...I am transgender and am dealing with sever gender dysphoria and anxiety.  It's a real thing, and something I have been dealing with and hiding since as early as I can remember.  And.... I am taking it one day and one layer at a time.  My goal is to protect and care for my family and to relieve my dysphoria...to be the best me me yet.   I am loved, and love people, especially humans with a life story of struggle and those that rise and impact the lives of others in incredible ways.

How bad is that? 

Hugs to you all!

Karen.

Quote from: Karen on May 23, 2018, 03:59:21 PM
Hi everyone.  I hope all is good with all of you!

Had a chance to reflect on my recent anxiety and dysphoria.  It was not the Reactine for allergies with the SSRI.   I am pretty sure it was simply not feeling well given allergies / change of seasons, dysphoria and anxiety after being "me" for a period and having to go back to male mode, and Mother's Day...thinking I am not much of a mom and clearly don't feel like a dad with Father's Day coming.  WE NEED TO CREATE A PARENTS DAY :)

I have been doing work in getting fast tracked to an endocrinologist....it is wild how everything has a lesson.   Lots of anxiety with waiting and wondering...should i or should i not; what if people talk and out me.   Now it is looking like I should have an appointment in July at the latest.  And I am totally good with this next step.  And I have told my story now to at least 8 to 10 medical professionals in my attempt to get appointments, on top of a few others.   

My story is in their hands.  And really....who cares and what is the worst that can happen?  If it gets out and I get to tell people the truth...I am transgender and am dealing with sever gender dysphoria and anxiety.  It's a real thing, and something I have been dealing with and hiding since as early as I can remember.  And.... I am taking it one day and one layer at a time.  My goal is to protect and care for my family and to relieve my dysphoria...to be the best me me yet.   I am loved, and love people, especially humans with a life story of struggle and those that rise and impact the lives of others in incredible ways.

How bad is that? 

Hugs to you all!

Karen.

@Karen
Dear Karen:  Yes indeed, Father's Day is quite an emotional and bittersweet event for Fathers that are transitioning or have transitioned.  Do the best that you can, try to cope as well as you can with your emotions in front of your family, after all you are and always will be your children's father.

Oh yeah, planning treatment and even seeing your Endo requires PATIENCE.... usually nothing happens very quickly with those things.

Yes, indeed, your story is in their hands....  and always be proud of who you are and what your plans are for yourself...  the truth always is the correct move, hiding and dysphoria are not a pleasant thing.

Thanks for posting your update....   hang in there girl, patience is required!!!!!
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Hey Karen, as a parent to a sweet two-year-old, I completely understand. I had a bit of a rough time over mothers day since I was really excluded. And I do not want to celebrate fathers day at all.

I did have the same thought you have: Why isn't there a PARENTS' DAY - and to my surprise, there is a parents' day:

This year: July 22nd, 2018

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parents%27_Day

So my plan is to leave mothers day to my wife and I will claim Parents' Day.

Hope this helps,

Hugs,

Sarah

Quote from: Karen on May 23, 2018, 03:59:21 PM
Hi everyone.  I hope all is good with all of you!

Had a chance to reflect on my recent anxiety and dysphoria.  It was not the Reactine for allergies with the SSRI.   I am pretty sure it was simply not feeling well given allergies / change of seasons, dysphoria and anxiety after being "me" for a period and having to go back to male mode, and Mother's Day...thinking I am not much of a mom and clearly don't feel like a dad with Father's Day coming.  WE NEED TO CREATE A PARENTS DAY :)


Hugs to you all!

Karen.

Quote from: sarah1972 on May 23, 2018, 04:27:21 PM
Hey Karen, as a parent to a sweet two-year-old, I completely understand. I had a bit of a rough time over mothers day since I was really excluded. And I do not want to celebrate fathers day at all.

I did have the same thought you have: Why isn't there a PARENTS' DAY - and to my surprise, there is a parents' day:

This year: July 22nd, 2018

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parents%27_Day

So my plan is to leave mothers day to my wife and I will claim Parents' Day.

Hope this helps,

Hugs,

Sarah

Thanks Sarah! 

OMG.  Parents Day it is July 22nd!   I asked my wife to celebrate on the saturday (vs Sunday) so its just a special day for me and the kids.

Hugs

Karen

Hi everyone..

Just heading home after a business trip.  It's wild being at meetings with other women where you envy and wish you were one of them on the outside, knowing how you feel on the inside.  It's a combination of envy, jealous and a desire / urning.  It makes it hard, bringing up dysphoria and anxiety...not unbearable, but bothersome.   

It is amazing (good and bad) having a definition / diagnosis for it, and thinking back over your life now knowing that you noticed it and felt it all along...but perviously the thoughts, feelings and desires were wrong or shameful.  In the old world the feelings got suppressed, and now they can't be and result in an undeniable.   

It's good and normal, but frustrating.   Thanks to all of you for listening and sharing.

Hugs

Karen

Quote from: Karen on May 24, 2018, 06:58:49 PM
Thanks Sarah! 

OMG.  Parents Day it is July 22nd!   I asked my wife to celebrate on the saturday (vs Sunday) so its just a special day for me and the kids.

Hugs

Karen

If you want to celebrate earlier, the United Nations have designated June 1st as Global Parents Day...

I think I stick with July 22nd...

Hi Karen,
I'm just catching up on your thread. Great job on managing your anxiety and dysphoria while waiting to see an endocrinologist. July is not that far away. In a few days, you could say it is next month!

Great steps in telling your story to medical professionals, it is also a safe way to build your confidence in coming out to other people. The medical professionals would be bound by their ethics to maintain your confidentiality, so it would be unlikely they would be telling your story to anyone.

Your mind seems to be in a really good place the way you are approaching this. You have an appointment coming up with an endocrinologist, you are mindful of your family and recognise what you need to help yourself. You are doing awesome!

I don't have children, but I can see how Mother's Day and Father's Day would cause you to feel uncomfortable. Parent's Day seems like a great alternative to celebrate your role as a parent.

I know how hard it is to be living between two identities. It is a temporary in between stage until you find the right balance for you. Keep up the good work.

Take care...

Hugs,
Jayne

Hi everyone..  It's been a while and I hope all is great with all of you.

I've been keeping life low key for the past few weeks, trying to take it one day at a time.  My anxiety is lower and my dysphoria less extreme, most of the time.

My wife and I have started couples counselling.  It's been tough replaying our individual fears and frustrations, and hearing her believes that I should be able to chose to carry on like the past 80% of the time or that I am not in the 47% of transgender people that consider suicide.   I know its just her being honest, and also know how hard it is to empathize with what it feels like to be transgender.   We've also been discussing what originally drew us to each other to help understand and find a foundation to move forward from.   While tough, I am glad we are doing these sessions...it helps to know we are taking control and working things through.  We do love each other and the right things will unfold in due course. 

On the day to day front many of my female coping and integration mechanisms are feeling very normal now...longer hair, mannerisms, light make up, women's clothing where and whenever I can integrate it obscurely or privately.  It feels good, and while I long to do more, it sure helps to integrate these pieces into my life.   

It's 4 weeks until my first endocrinologist appointment.  All is set and I am looking forward to it.   All indications are he will prescribe anti androgens, not estrogen.  In my heart I would love estrogen, but I will take it slow and see how I feel. 

Lastly, I binged (sp?) watched all 4 seasons of Transparent.  And watched Janet Mock's documentary.   Both were great.   Transparent was a bit overwhelming at times...waiting until later in life, very messy family dynamics, heart issues preventing physical transition.   On the other hand, there are so many common elements in all our stories, it feels so good to not be alone. 

Thanks everyone for continuing to share and be so supportive. You are amazing.

Love and hugs!!

Karen

Quote from: Karen on June 21, 2018, 07:26:59 PM
Hi everyone..  It's been a while and I hope all is great with all of you.

I've been keeping life low key for the past few weeks, trying to take it one day at a time.  My anxiety is lower and my dysphoria less extreme, most of the time.

My wife and I have started couples counselling.  It's been tough replaying our individual fears and frustrations, and hearing her believes that I should be able to chose to carry on like the past 80% of the time or that I am not in the 47% of transgender people that consider suicide.   I know its just her being honest, and also know how hard it is to empathize with what it feels like to be transgender.   We've also been discussing what originally drew us to each other to help understand and find a foundation to move forward from.   While tough, I am glad we are doing these sessions...it helps to know we are taking control and working things through.  We do love each other and the right things will unfold in due course. 

On the day to day front many of my female coping and integration mechanisms are feeling very normal now...longer hair, mannerisms, light make up, women's clothing where and whenever I can integrate it obscurely or privately.  It feels good, and while I long to do more, it sure helps to integrate these pieces into my life.   

It's 4 weeks until my first endocrinologist appointment.  All is set and I am looking forward to it.   All indications are he will prescribe anti androgens, not estrogen.  In my heart I would love estrogen, but I will take it slow and see how I feel. 

Lastly, I binged (sp?) watched all 4 seasons of Transparent.  And watched Janet Mock's documentary.   Both were great.   Transparent was a bit overwhelming at times...waiting until later in life, very messy family dynamics, heart issues preventing physical transition.   On the other hand, there are so many common elements in all our stories, it feels so good to not be alone. 

Thanks everyone for continuing to share and be so supportive. You are amazing.

Love and hugs!!

Karen

Hi Karen,

It is so nice to see an update from you. I am very happy to learn that your anxiety has lessened and your dysphoria is less extreme.  The coping mechanisms are surely a large contributor towards you feeling better. Also, getting couples counselling is an excellent move. It is a very tough road to travel at the beat of times. Transitioning while trying to keep a relationship from falling apart adds another layer of complexity. Kudos to you and your wife for approaching this in a sensible manner. Your love for each other is very clear. I wish you both a successful journey to an even stronger and more fulfilling relationship with one another.

Excellent news with the endocrinologist!!! Last time you mentioned an endocrinologist, you were still hunting around to find one and mentioned a likely appointment in July. Now the appointment is only 4 weeks away. How exciting! He may not prescribe anything until getting some blood tests done. Are you having any blood tests before your appointment?

Looking forward to following your continuing journey.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Karen on June 21, 2018, 07:26:59 PM
Hi everyone..  It's been a while and I hope all is great with all of you.

I've been keeping life low key for the past few weeks, trying to take it one day at a time.  My anxiety is lower and my dysphoria less extreme, most of the time.

My wife and I have started couples counselling.  It's been tough replaying our individual fears and frustrations, and hearing her believes that I should be able to chose to carry on like the past 80% of the time or that I am not in the 47% of transgender people that consider suicide.   I know its just her being honest, and also know how hard it is to empathize with what it feels like to be transgender.   We've also been discussing what originally drew us to each other to help understand and find a foundation to move forward from.   While tough, I am glad we are doing these sessions...it helps to know we are taking control and working things through.  We do love each other and the right things will unfold in due course. 

On the day to day front many of my female coping and integration mechanisms are feeling very normal now...longer hair, mannerisms, light make up, women's clothing where and whenever I can integrate it obscurely or privately.  It feels good, and while I long to do more, it sure helps to integrate these pieces into my life.   

It's 4 weeks until my first endocrinologist appointment.  All is set and I am looking forward to it.   All indications are he will prescribe anti androgens, not estrogen.  In my heart I would love estrogen, but I will take it slow and see how I feel. 

Lastly, I binged (sp?) watched all 4 seasons of Transparent.  And watched Janet Mock's documentary.   Both were great.   Transparent was a bit overwhelming at times...waiting until later in life, very messy family dynamics, heart issues preventing physical transition.   On the other hand, there are so many common elements in all our stories, it feels so good to not be alone. 

Thanks everyone for continuing to share and be so supportive. You are amazing.

Love and hugs!!

Karen

Great update Karen. So much good news. Yes eansitioning late in life is hard on relationships but they can and do survive. Biggest thing is keep it open and honest and never sit on an issue. You will love the E , I sure do and now that I have a real full time HRT transition doctor I'm so much happier. She knows all the ins and outs of everything that been making me anxious. It's wait until you go full time. That first big step into the outside world is the worse. After that it just feel so normal, at least it does for me.
Enjoy and have a great time and experiance

Thanks for your support.

Jayne, good reminder on the blood test.  I sent a note to my doctor to make sure the Endo has my health records and blood tests.  :)

I forgot the good and fun news.   My family and I are going in a Pride parade tomorrow, as Ally's :).   There will be thousands of loving and supportive amazing people marching with pride.    I can't wait.   

Hugs

Karen

Hi everyone. 

It's been a bit.  I hope you are all great.   

I've had some great days and some not so great days.

On the great days.  The anti anxiety melds seem to really help me stay positive.   And I recently worked from home and was dressed as Karen all day.  My white skinny jeans, silk blouse, favourite bra and heels.   It was so nice to just be me inside and out. 

On the not so great, my wife is having a hard time, and it is really bothering me

- after 10 months, she is still telling me she is have a hard time even imagining me female, let alone being with me
- she is constantly reacting and giving me grief over the smallest changes in how I express my self...very light make up
- she cried and reacted negative to some slim shorts I bought
- she is being very protective of our kids, and for the first time was aggressive with me in front of our son, who was having a disagreement with
- everything is calm when she is not around, and it all changes when she is there.  Everyone's mood is more tense.   I just realized it has been the case for a long while
- she old her naturopath about me and Dysphoria, which I was originally ok with, and am now bothered by the beach of my privacy.  Trans 101 is you don't breach privacy

10 months ago I told her I thought I was transgender, and asked for her love and for her to become knowledgeable about this condition.    I am so sorry to have put her in this spot, and don't know how I would handle it.   One the one hand, she could have asked me to leave and has been supportive.   On the other hand, there are many times I feel judged and critcized.  And feel I need to protect my dignity. 

I want to give it time, and do appreciate all the support I have...I have amazing people supporting me...including all of you.   It's just hard coming home to a place of tension...it is the hardest part. 

Lots of love

Karen

Quote from: Karen on July 02, 2018, 07:27:52 PM
Hi everyone. 

It's been a bit.  I hope you are all great.   

I've had some great days and some not so great days.

On the great days.  The anti anxiety melds seem to really help me stay positive.   And I recently worked from home and was dressed as Karen all day.  My white skinny jeans, silk blouse, favourite bra and heels.   It was so nice to just be me inside and out. 

On the not so great, my wife is having a hard time, and it is really bothering me

- after 10 months, she is still telling me she is have a hard time even imagining me female, let alone being with me
- she is constantly reacting and giving me grief over the smallest changes in how I express my self...very light make up
- she cried and reacted negative to some slim shorts I bought
- she is being very protective of our kids, and for the first time was aggressive with me in front of our son, who was having a disagreement with
- everything is calm when she is not around, and it all changes when she is there.  Everyone's mood is more tense.   I just realized it has been the case for a long while
- she old her naturopath about me and Dysphoria, which I was originally ok with, and am now bothered by the beach of my privacy.  Trans 101 is you don't breach privacy

10 months ago I told her I thought I was transgender, and asked for her love and for her to become knowledgeable about this condition.    I am so sorry to have put her in this spot, and don't know how I would handle it.   One the one hand, she could have asked me to leave and has been supportive.   On the other hand, there are many times I feel judged and critcized.  And feel I need to protect my dignity. 

I want to give it time, and do appreciate all the support I have...I have amazing people supporting me...including all of you.   It's just hard coming home to a place of tension...it is the hardest part. 

Lots of love

Karen

Hi Karen,

I am so glad you are having some great days. The anti anxiety meds really seem to be working for you.

The not so great days really suck. Sorry your wife is having such a hard time. I know exactly how you feel. My wife is also having a rough time. It sounds like your wife is going through her grief process of losing her husband. That is a rough process for our partners. Unlike in the case of death, we are still alive and present providing a daily reminder of what they have lost. It makes it hard for them to have any closure in dealing with the grief. Unfortunately, it can be a long painful process for everyone involved. The best thing you could probably do for your wife is to grin and bear any kind of passive aggressive behaviour directed at you. It's not easy to do and at times you want to just scream or curl up in a corner and cry your eyes out. I have spent many drives to or from work crying from the stress and pain I feel from being at the receiving end of passive aggressive behaviour.

Your wife needs someone to talk to who is not you. It is probably a good thing for her to be able to speak to her naturopath. You may need to forgive and forget this breach of privacy.

I hope the great times become more frequent for you and the not so great start fading away.

(((((Hug)))))

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on July 03, 2018, 07:51:46 AM
Have Karen,

I am so glad you are having some great days. The anti anxiety meds really seem to be working for you.

The not so great days really suck. Sorry your wife is having such a hard time. I know exactly how you feel. My wife is also having a rough time. It sounds like your wife is going through her grief process of losing her husband. That is rough process for our partners. Unlike in the case of death, we are still alive and present providing a daily reminder of what they have lost. It makes it hard for them to have any closure in dealing with the grief. Unfortunately, it can be a long painful process for everyone involved. The b st thing you could probably do for your wife is to grin and bear any kind of passive aggressive behaviour directed at you. It's not easy to do and at times you want to just scream or curl up in a corner and cry your eyes out. I have spent many drives to or from work crying from the stress and pain I feel from being at the receiving end of passive aggressive behaviour.

Your wife needs someone to talk to who is not you. It is probably a good thing for her to be able to speak to her naturopath. You may need to forgive and forget this breach of privacy.

I hope the great times become more frequent for you and the not so great start fading away.

(((()Hug)))))



Jayne

Thanks Jayne...  That is the best advice I could have gotten.  I find myself retracing 30 years of marriage and all the little things that have bothered me...and I am making them all add up to not loving and supporting me.   I have been turning it into a monster, and have been debating if I should just move on.

Thank you for reminding me to  be patient and practice gratitude.   

I need all the encouraging I can get.   

This chick is a bit sensitive... and she is going through a lot and something she did not sign up for.

Hugs back

Karen

Quote from: Karen on July 03, 2018, 11:50:39 AM
Thanks Jayne...  That is the best advice I could have gotten.  I find myself retracing 30 years of marriage and all the little things that have bothered me...and I am making them all add up to not loving and supporting me.   I have been turning it into a monster, and have been debating if I should just move on.

Thank you for reminding me to  be patient and practice gratitude.   

I need all the encouraging I can get.   

This chick is a bit sensitive... and she is going through a lot and something she did not sign up for.

Hugs back

Karen

Karen, I am always happy to pass on anything I have learned along the way that may be helpful. It is very easy to convince yourself that you are unloved and unsupported in these situations. The hard part is to understand that the passive aggressive behaviour is actually not about you. Our partners are experiencing real grief, the same as if we have died, made harder because we are still alive but in a different physical form. Like all grief, it is a process with various stages. Three years ago I told my wife that I thought I might have been born in the wrong body. That was the limit of my understanding about trans issues at the time. During those three years, my wife has gone through various stages of grief, sometimes multiple times. The anger stage is very hard, because I get a whole bunch of anger directed at me for something I have no control over. Naturally, I go into defensive mode to protect myself (psychologically). I start thinking of all the little things that have bothered me over the years and before I know it, a mean monster has been created in my mind. I start to wonder if it is all worth it. Recently I have learned to toughen my armour so that the aggressive comments to penetrate so deep and make a big effort to see things from my wife's point of view. I support her through her rough moments when she lashes out at me and show understanding. Don't turn her grief into ammunition for a fight. This has been paying off. My wife is starting to recover more quickly from her meltdowns. Demonstrating that I am still the same person that is madly in love with her has helped a lot.

If you need to vent, do it here, or with your therapist or a friend. Often venting and a good cry is all that is needed to relieve your stresses. Keep that kind of negative energy out of your relationship. These are very stressful times.

Hang in there Karen.

Hugs,
Jayne

Hey Karen I'm sad that you are going thru what you are with your wife. It really can be a no win situation some day that's for sure. I'm experience so far from my wife has been the anger about losing the man she married, at the same time she loves the new attitude. She did not ask for this but is being force to basically transition with me. A difference is that she did believe and asked for 14 years if I wanted to be a woman. I know how tough a position this has been in that she doesn't want it and she knows I need it. I get such wonderful feeling from her and then such rage. All I have been able to do is sit back and listen to exactly what she is saying and then work out a solution that works for both of us.
Hopefully you can get to some sort of understanding but just like us and doing it our way she has to do it her way too. This makes it even tougher, I believed her love for me would just allow us to move ahead like nothing happened and that was bad thinking on my part.
She feels if I love her then I would not change for her.
I'm sure their are a lot of us in the same place to one extent or another. We are here for you and I'm sure we all hope for the best with relationships to survive. I hope you can find your path with her that will ease stress. Ultimately it takes a ton of work from both people to make it work.
I sure do understand not wanting to be outed, I gave my wife permission to talk to her sisters, dad and boys about me coming out, you should have had the same courtesy imho.
I wish you  the best and how you find a solution. PM anytime you need an ear
 

Thanks for all your support. 

5 days until my endocronologist appointment.  On one hand, I am so excited and happy.  On the other, I am scared about the next step.   I have fully accepted I am trans, and fully accept I am in transition.   But I have not decided or admitted to how far as will transition.   Each step forward makes me feel better and more aligned, and closer to a major life decision.   You know the drill.

Our couples therapy is going really well, but really hard.  Everyone brings up a lot of emotion for my wife and I.   She did not ask for this and is mourning a loss, and is afraid for our life and family.  I am scared and looking for love and affirmation.    We are getting better at taking about our feelings in the moment, and maintaining a more consistent level of empathy for each other.   

As I reflect on other threads and my wife's anxiety and stress, it occurs to me that what makes it extra hard for her is that my male time is really not male time anymore (inspite of me not ready to declare full transition).  For her she has already lost her husband...facial hair removal, longer hair, mild make up everyday, women's jeans and t shirts, lots of PJs, undies and silk tank tops, love her so much but not romantically active....when I reflect, a lot has changed in 12 months.  It am not really living two lives as male and Karen.   Its really a new life of much closer to the real me.   That's got to be tough.   ....looking back, no kidding I was diagnosed with "severe gender dysphoria". 

My individual therapist is amazing too...she is helping me communicate with confidence my feelings and understand my wife.   We also discussed this week our kids....do we tell them I am dealing with Gender Dysphoria.   My therapist is rarely direct with me....but she said "yes"...."they already know".   She said, look at the changes in your looks and behaviour...they know something is up and I will likely relieve them on one level that it is not your physical health or them.     This week I will discuss with my wife and couples therapist our options.   

Today I had lunch with my most trusted friend at work.  I have avoided her for almost a year given this and work issues.  She pushed hard on what she did wrong and what happened to our friendship.   She was hurting really bad.   I wanted to tell her so bad.  She is so loving and diversity friendly....but I could not.  I did tell her I have been dealing with personal matters and needed space.   She knows my kids and wife well too.....   So I finally told her I would give her the details one day....but know that I have been dealing with mental health issues, and then assured her I was fine and work was great.   All true and I feel good about it.   It was another step toward telling her the truth....not sure how long I can hold it back.   

Love you all.  Big hugs

Karen

Quote from: Karen on July 13, 2018, 07:15:56 PM
Thanks for all your support. 

5 days until my endocronologist appointment.  On one hand, I am so excited and happy.  On the other, I am scared about the next step.   I have fully accepted I am trans, and fully accept I am in transition.   But I have not decided or admitted to how far as will transition.   Each step forward makes me feel better and more aligned, and closer to a major life decision.   You know the drill.

Our couples therapy is going really well, but really hard.  Everyone brings up a lot of emotion for my wife and I.   She did not ask for this and is mourning a loss, and is afraid for our life and family.  I am scared and looking for love and affirmation.    We are getting better at taking about our feelings in the moment, and maintaining a more consistent level of empathy for each other.   

As I reflect on other threads and my wife's anxiety and stress, it occurs to me that what makes it extra hard for her is that my male time is really not male time anymore (inspite of me not ready to declare full transition).  For her she has already lost her husband...facial hair removal, longer hair, mild make up everyday, women's jeans and t shirts, lots of PJs, undies and silk tank tops, love her so much but not romantically active....when I reflect, a lot has changed in 12 months.  It am not really living two lives as male and Karen.   Its really a new life of much closer to the real me.   That's got to be tough.   ....looking back, no kidding I was diagnosed with "severe gender dysphoria". 

My individual therapist is amazing too...she is helping me communicate with confidence my feelings and understand my wife.   We also discussed this week our kids....do we tell them I am dealing with Gender Dysphoria.   My therapist is rarely direct with me....but she said "yes"...."they already know".   She said, look at the changes in your looks and behaviour...they know something is up and I will likely relieve them on one level that it is not your physical health or them.     This week I will discuss with my wife and couples therapist our options.   

Today I had lunch with my most trusted friend at work.  I have avoided her for almost a year given this and work issues.  She pushed hard on what she did wrong and what happened to our friendship.   She was hurting really bad.   I wanted to tell her so bad.  She is so loving and diversity friendly....but I could not.  I did tell her I have been dealing with personal matters and needed space.   She knows my kids and wife well too.....   So I finally told her I would give her the details one day....but know that I have been dealing with mental health issues, and then assured her I was fine and work was great.   All true and I feel good about it.   It was another step toward telling her the truth....not sure how long I can hold it back.   

Love you all.  Big hugs

Karen

Hi Karen,

Thank you for your detailed update. 5 days until seeing the endocrinologist...YAAAAY!! The excitement and happiness is expected. But so is the fear of the next step. I think it would be premature for you to decide now how far you need to transition. You may have a pretty good idea about how far you need to go, but it's ok not to be certain. Transition is an evolving journey where the path is made up as you go. The way you feel after each step is assurance that you are on the right path.

Couples therapy can be really tough. You are right about your wife mourning a loss. Not much you can do about that other than to continue loving and supporting her as she goes through the process. The way you present is probably only partially responsible for her feeling the loss of her husband. I still present male most of the time, but my wife is also mourning the loss of her husband. The knowledge that I am on the transition path is enough to tell her I am not the "man" I used to be.

Telling your kids is obviously a decision only you and your wife can make. Your therapist is right in saying that your kids already know something is happening. It might be a good idea to tell them sooner rather than later if only to put their minds at ease incase they are thinking something is wrong with your health.

It must be getting hard for you to continue keeping your "secret" from your work friend. You will will know when the time is right to tell her.

Hugs,
Jayne

@Karen
A wonderful update about your recent life events revolving around your transition journey.
It is absolutely normal for you to feel anxious about the next steps....   but instead of trying to wrap your mind around the big picture... take it one step at a time.  The further you go in your transition, the further that you will want to go and continue on.   ONE STEP AT A TIME !!!

I am so happy to hear that your therapy is going well and that you and your wife are in this together.  You don't have to read too many other transtioners reports to see that you are very fortunate.

It is encouraging to read about your work friend and how you are trying to heal that relationship... continue on!!!!

Thank you for your posting and for your trust in your readers and followers to share as you did.
We will be looking forward to your continued updates.   We will rejoice with you when you report good news and we will support you when you report the not so good news.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Jayne01 on July 13, 2018, 10:04:41 PM
Hi Karen,

Thank you for your detailed update. 5 days until seeing the endocrinologist...YAAAAY!! The excitement and happiness is expected. But so is the fear of the next step. I think it would be premature for you to decide now how far you need to transition. You may have a pretty good idea about how far you need to go, but it's ok not to be certain. Transition is an evolving journey where the path is made up as you go. The way you feel after each step is assurance that you are on the right path.

Couples therapy can be really tough. You are right about your wife mourning a loss. Not much you can do about that other than to continue loving and supporting her as she goes through the process. The way you present is probably only partially responsible for her feeling the loss of her husband. I still present male most of the time, but my wife is also mourning the loss of her husband. The knowledge that I am on the transition path is enough to tell her I am not the "man" I used to be.

Telling your kids is obviously a decision only you and your wife can make. Your therapist is right in saying that your kids already know something is happening. It might be a good idea to tell them sooner rather than later if only to put their minds at ease incase they are thinking something is wrong with your health.

It must be getting hard for you to continue keeping your "secret" from your work friend. You will will know when the time is right to tell her.

Hugs,
Jayne

Thank you so much.

It's a big week...seeing my sister for the first time tonight in person tonight.  She has been with me on the journey since last October...the second person I told.  She has been amazing. 

My wife is coming to my Endo appointment.  We will prepare in advance.  It will be high stress for me, and I don't want her to be in shock.

What a wild ride of want to be the real me and longing for it, yet so scared or worried about the journey.    Life was very good (with this one suppressed part of me scratching away for 50 years).   Why ever did I keep wondering about and poking away at the scratching?  Why ever did I want to know what it was?   Obviously, because it is part of me....   

Now the cat is out of the bag, and there is no getting her back in.  When we say "this is not a choice" it is true....who would ever choose to throw their whole life and family into turmoil.  On the other hand, we have to choose her in order to be true to our selves and move forward with love and understanding.

Thank you for our support and care

Karen

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 14, 2018, 02:55:07 AM
@Karen
A wonderful update about your recent life events revolving around your transition journey.
It is absolutely normal for you to feel anxious about the next steps....   but instead of trying to wrap your mind around the big picture... take it one step at a time.  The further you go in your transition, the further that you will want to go and continue on.   ONE STEP AT A TIME !!!

I am so happy to hear that your therapy is going well and that you and your wife are in this together.  You don't have to read too many other transtioners reports to see that you are very fortunate.

It is encouraging to read about your work friend and how you are trying to heal that relationship... continue on!!!!

Thank you for your posting and for your trust in your readers and followers to share as you did.
We will be looking forward to your continued updates.   We will rejoice with you when you report good news and we will support you when you report the not so good news.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Thank you Danielle for your encouragement and support.  You are an incredible role model. 

One day at a time is helping me so much, from where I was a few months back.   

Thank you. 

Hugs

Karen

Quote from: Karen on July 16, 2018, 01:59:43 PM

Thank you so much.

It's a big week...seeing my sister for the first time tonight in person tonight.  She has been with me on the journey since last October...the second person I told.  She has been amazing. 

My wife is coming to my Endo appointment.  We will prepare in advance.  It will be high stress for me, and I don't want her to be in shock.

What a wild ride of want to be the real me and longing for it, yet so scared or worried about the journey.    Life was very good (with this one suppressed part of me scratching away for 50 years).   Why ever did I keep wondering about and poking away at the scratching?  Why ever did I want to know what it was?   Obviously, because it is part of me....   

Now the cat is out of the bag, and there is no getting her back in.  When we say "this is not a choice" it is true....who would ever choose to throw their whole life and family into turmoil.  On the other hand, we have to choose her in order to be true to our selves and move forward with love and understanding.

Thank you for our support and care

Karen

How exciting for you to be meeting your sister for the first time as Karen. From what you say about your sister, it will be a great meeting.

Food idea for your wife to come along to the endo. Make a list of questions you each want to ask before going. That's might be what you meant about preparing in advance. My wife came to the first endo appointment. It helped her with understanding what to expect. She has also come to a couple more appointments since then. She is always welcome to come along. The last appointment, when I got a replacement implant, she came along but was happy to sit in the waiting room while I saw the doctor. Whatever she needs to make the process easier on her.

This is a very wild ride. Wait until you start HRT! All I can say is buckle up!!! I'm not saying that to scare you, it's a crazy ride but sooooooo worth it.

We don't have a choice whether we are trans or not. If we are, at some point, out true self will surface and want to be set free. Not much can be done about that other than hold on and ride the tsunami. I was like you, Life was very good with the exception of this one thing constantly poking at me. It got to the point where the gentle poking became hard shoves making me feel unbalanced. It was an unsustainable situation that needed attention. Well, as they say, the rest is history and now I am happier than I ever imagine to be possible. In many ways, I actually feel fortunate that I am transgender. This journey has given me a whole new appreciation for life that I otherwise would not have had. I am a better person for it.

Wishing you a great week and success with some big steps forward.

Hugs,
Jayne

Well my dear friends....

Endo appointment complete...and HRT is now underway.   Exciting and scary all at the same time.

My wife came and was great moral support.  The Endo was incredible...supportive, informative and put complete choice in my hands.   He has started me on Cyproterone, based on my therapists guidance to start with SSRI and T blockers.   In the event it does not work or I want to do it differently, he has also written a prescription for Spiro and estrogen.   I would love to start the full meal deal, but am not sure I am ready for the body changes....I clearly want to emotional changes. 

So, took my first HRT last night, and away we go.   

Any and all shared experiences and advice is always welcome.

Thanks for your care and support.  Big hugs.

Karen

Yay, congratulations, Karen!  Starting HRT is a major milestone on your journey.

Quote from: Karen on July 19, 2018, 10:52:52 AM
Well my dear friends....

Endo appointment complete...and HRT is now underway.   Exciting and scary all at the same time.

My wife came and was great moral support.  The Endo was incredible...supportive, informative and put complete choice in my hands.   He has started me on Cyproterone, based on my therapists guidance to start with SSRI and T blockers.   In the event it does not work or I want to do it differently, he has also written a prescription for Spiro and estrogen.   I would love to start the full meal deal, but am not sure I am ready for the body changes....I clearly want to emotional changes. 

So, took my first HRT last night, and away we go.   

Any and all shared experiences and advice is always welcome.

Thanks for your care and support.  Big hugs.

Karen

@Karen
Dear Karen:
Well, certainly CONGRATULATIONS are in order for you....  write this date down in your journal, it will be a day to celebrate and if so led it can be marked by anniversaries as others have done on here.

I am so very glad that you like your Endo... you might be correct based on what you have said, I also think that taking it slow to start is the best decision for you... give all of this (HRT and Mental Adjustment) time to sink in.

As has been stated over and over here on the Forums... and by me in many of my comments on various posts, HRT will work uniquely on your unique body. 
What you read about other transtioning members experiences with HRT most likely will not be identical to your own experiences.
Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and then some will experience less significant changes more slowly....   it is all up to your genes and how your body reacts to the HRT.   Your Endo will be looking at your frequent blood test results to determine if any alterations in the HRT regimen are needed.
The adage that you have probably already heard regarding HRT and how it may work for various individuals  is "YMMV"  meaning that Your Mileage May Vary.   
PATIENCE is definitely required.... usually not much happens very quickly with HRT... but changes will happen.  Do some reading of other transitioners posts and look many of the posted HRT timelines and the before and after pictures. ....  they can give you a rough idea of what you MIGHT expect.

Again, Karen, this, like you said, is very "EXCITING and SCARY all at the same time."   Hang on for an amazing ride. 
We are here to rejoice with you in the good times and to support you in the not so good times.
One more time.... PATIENCE is required.   The attitude of many people today is "I want it all and I want it now" ... that will not apply to HRT.

Hugs and well wishes... we will be looking for your updates as you feel free to post them.
Danielle

Quote from: KathyLauren on July 19, 2018, 01:22:14 PM
Yay, congratulations, Karen!  Starting HRT is a major milestone on your journey.

Thank you!    I really appreciate your words of encouragement.   

Thank you!   

Karen

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 19, 2018, 01:54:09 PM
@Karen
Dear Karen:
Well, certainly CONGRATULATIONS are in order for you....  write this date down in your journal, it will be a day to celebrate and if so led it can be marked by anniversaries as others have done on here.

I am so very glad that you like your Endo... you might be correct based on what you have said, I also think that taking it slow to start is the best decision for you... give all of this (HRT and Mental Adjustment) time to sink in.

As has been stated over and over here on the Forums... and by me in many of my comments on various posts, HRT will work uniquely on your unique body. 
What you read about other transtioning members experiences with HRT most likely will not be identical to your own experiences.
Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and then some will experience less significant changes more slowly....   it is all up to your genes and how your body reacts to the HRT.   Your Endo will be looking at your frequent blood test results to determine if any alterations in the HRT regimen are needed.
The adage that you have probably already heard regarding HRT and how it may work for various individuals  is "YMMV"  meaning that Your Mileage May Vary.   
PATIENCE is definitely required.... usually not much happens very quickly with HRT... but changes will happen.  Do some reading of other transitioners posts and look many of the posted HRT timelines and the before and after pictures. ....  they can give you a rough idea of what you MIGHT expect.

Again, Karen, this, like you said, is very "EXCITING and SCARY all at the same time."   Hang on for an amazing ride. 
We are here to rejoice with you in the good times and to support you in the not so good times.
One more time.... PATIENCE is required.   The attitude of many people today is "I want it all and I want it now" ... that will not apply to HRT.

Hugs and well wishes... we will be looking for your updates as you feel free to post them.
Danielle

You are the best.  Thanks for all your encouragement and support. 

I am ok with going slow (most of the time)...its too overwhelming otherwise.   Other times I just want to be Karen in the fullest way possible.  Time will tell. 

It is a new anniversary for sure!   

Big hugs

Karen.

Excellent news, Karen.

It is a wonderful feeling as you take the first tablet, isn't it?

You'll remember that event forever.

Hugs

Pamela

Quote from: pamelatransuk on July 20, 2018, 03:53:29 AM
Excellent news, Karen.

It is a wonderful feeling as you take the first tablet, isn't it?

You'll remember that event forever.

Hugs

Pamela

Thanks Pamela..

It sure does.  July 18, 2018 @ 9 pm to be exact.   

Funny, I kept telling myself to delay taking it.  Part of the self talk that "I am delirious" and all this will go away".   Then I ignored it and I took to first tablet.  Onward we go!

Hugs

Karen

Quote from: Karen on July 19, 2018, 10:52:52 AM
Well my dear friends....

Endo appointment complete...and HRT is now underway.   Exciting and scary all at the same time.

My wife came and was great moral support.  The Endo was incredible...supportive, informative and put complete choice in my hands.   He has started me on Cyproterone, based on my therapists guidance to start with SSRI and T blockers.   In the event it does not work or I want to do it differently, he has also written a prescription for Spiro and estrogen.   I would love to start the full meal deal, but am not sure I am ready for the body changes....I clearly want to emotional changes. 

So, took my first HRT last night, and away we go.   

Any and all shared experiences and advice is always welcome.

Thanks for your care and support.  Big hugs.

Karen

You are going to absolutely love the HRT and everything that goes with it. Great going and glad your wife joined in at the appointment.
PM anytime you like girl

Hey Karen!

Belated congratulations! Sorry I missed the beginning of your HRT ride, and it is one hell of a ride! Hang on and enjoy. This is a huge step forward on your journey to becoming your true self. I'm so glad your wife came along with you to the endo appointment. This is also a big moment for her in her own journey. Doing it together is a great way to show your love and support for one another.

As Danielle pointed out, HRT affects us all differently. In my case, I didn't feel any mental changes for quite a while. It all kind of crept up on me in very small increments, until one day I thought back to how I felt before HRT and realised how much it has done for me, both psychologically and physically. I am looking forward to reading about your own unique experience, as much as you wish to share.

I am so happy for you.

Hugs,
Jayne

Hi everyone...

It's been a long while since I posted an update.   Thank you all for your continued support and for making Susan's Place, a place of support and comfort. 

It will soon be 2 months on anitandrogens and I am doing much much better.   I was on anti anxiety meds before and they were helping, but things have gotten much better since starting antiandrogens back in mid July.  I can't believe the difference...much less anxious, clearer mind, more confident.   It is interesting the dysphoria and female gender feelings are not gone, but the intensity is less and I am able to function so much better.   I also sense body changes beginning to happen...loss of muscle and my waist feels different.  I welcome the loss of muscle given dysphoria over chest and shoulder width.  Overall I am doing much better.

My wife and I are also doing much better.   Our couples counselling has been very helpful...very emotional but clearly helping us talk through our anxieties and fears and get back to a place of love, empathy and trust in and for each other.   It is also helping my wife see me doing so much better emotionally...I think it helps build confidence for her that the bottom is not going to fall out of our life.  Our upcoming topics including an open discussion about my vision and feelings about what living as a woman would mean to me so she can get into and understand what's in my head; intimacy and what our needs are and what that looks like down the road; when to bring in our kids....   Our therapist is amazing and we both trust her deeply. 

My individual therapists continue to be helpful, but I am beginning to think about a change.  Neither are gender transition experts and are limited in how they can support me in determining what I want to do and how to do it.   So I am beginning to research therapists again to see if I can find someone who is both emotional support but also transition support.

My endocrinologist has been great too.  He has already approved me to introduce estrogen "when I want to".   I have decided to wait for a bit to see how I make out.   I would like to but am not sure I am ready for the body changes (breast) and how that might impact my wife and life more generally.   I think every day about the body shape I wish I had and the fasion and clothes I wish I could wear, and simply wanting to be fully me and feeling and experiencing the world more fully.   Time will tell and I continue to take one day at a time.

My close friends and family that know my situation continue to be very loving and supportive.   I could not ask for more, and know that me being in a better place and taking it slowly is also helping them understand, support and process what is happening.   

My work and broader life is interesting...everyone is taking about how different I look.  Everyone but my peers and boss, who see it but know better than to say something or don't know what to say.  I am sure though that they are talking about it.   ....longer hair, weight loss, longer nails, clearer face and tan (aka bit of make up and hair removal)...   It's all fine and good, and my response is quite simple...I have never felt better and am working hard to take care of myself.   It's all the truth.

NB. It sure is good being in a better and more confident frame of mind.   I don't fully understand how testosterone impacts us or me, but the reduction / elimation of testosterone (my blood tests say it is non existent) has made a big impact.   

Overall I am doing so much better, and all of you continue to be such a big source of strength and confidence for me.   With you I feel and know I am real and human, I am normal.  Maybe uncommon, but human and normal. 

The next few months will be interesting as my wife and I continue to work through our journey and we determine if we want to tell my kids about my "gender dysphoria" at Christmas.   I suspect we will and it will be a very big step.   I will also face the decision on estrogen, which I would life to do, but am not sure if I will for family and work reasons.   I will also continue to work through when and how I spend time in the world as my female physical self.  I am resisting this today, because I feel it in my core that when I do, it will be very hard to go back to male mode and that distress scares me.  I would love the clothes and ability to express my female self, but it scares me as a very big step and one I will struggle to go back from.   

When you look at these 3 things I will face over the next while, they all add up to a very big step...one I dream about and think about all the time, but one that scares me deeply given the change it represents and the fear I have of having to relive the emotional stress of the last year.   Looking back, I am shocked by how stressful and dark this period of my life was.   I don't want to go back there.

Thank you again for your support and for making this such a caring place.

Hugs

Karen

What a nice update to read, Karen!  I am happy for you that everything is going well for you.  I am especially happy about the improvement in your relationship with your wife.  Having spousal support is huge. 

Quote from: Karen on September 09, 2018, 09:53:03 AM
I am resisting this today, because I feel it in my core that when I do, it will be very hard to go back to male mode and that distress scares me.  I would love the clothes and ability to express my female self, but it scares me as a very big step and one I will struggle to go back from.   

So perhaps the right move for you, when it comes time to make it, might be to take the step and not go back.  Just a thought.

Anyway, I am so glad that your transition is going well!

Hi Karen,

I am in a quite similar situation as yours: in my fifties, married, 4 kids, good career.

My wife accepts me being TG but suffers a lot. We talk a lot. She is not ready to see me dressed as a woman. But she accepted HRT with both anti-andro and estrogen since more than 3 years.

It is not a big deal to hide the body changes at work and at home, nobody asks. This is less noticeable than long hair or makeup. I sometimes go out dressed as a woman, to meet my therapists, a few TG friends and a cis friend who knows.

Like you, I have no real plan for the future. My dysphoria has been tremendously reduced by HRT. Maybe I will keep things as they are for a while...

Hugs.

Pascale

Karen

I am so happy to read of your progress with your therapy - couple therapy very well organized and successful - and single therapy proceeding but that you may look for a better one for transition.

Your endo is well prepared and gives you the E option.

Most importantly you are feeling so much better in that your mind is clearer and the anxiety diminishing and the GD is less significant.

You have made a really rewarding start to HRT. Well done!

Hugs

Pamela

Hi Karen,

What a great update! 2 months on anti androgens already, wow, that time has certainly gone quickly. I am so glad that they are working well for you to reduce your anxiety and make you feel better with a clearer mind. What you have described is something I have read from many other members here. I also had a similar effect to HRT. In my case, having a clearer mind helped me have a better understanding of my emotions which actually intensified my dysphoric feelings because I suddenly knew beyond any doubt that I am a woman. But my distress had greatly reduced and I was able to move forward knowing what I needed to do for me. Being able to function better is a big leap forward in your progress.

It is so wonderful to read that you and your wife are doing much better. Having a good, trusting relationship with your therapist is very important. It's great to see that you have this type of relationship with your couples counsellor. I have also found that my wife does much better when she sees me doing better. Knowing and reassuring her that I have no intention of ever leaving her and our world has not self destructed has gone a long way to help her come to terms with our new normal. Your wife is having a similar reaction to seeing you getting better.

You seem to have a very clear idea in your mind of what you need and ways that you may achieve your goals, while keeping your family's needs in mind. This is a good way to achieve a successful transition. It is handy to have access to a therapist who has transitioning experience but it's not a necessity. Someone which you can have an open and trusting therapist/patient relationship is more important in my opinion.

Wow! Your endocrinologist has approved you for estrogen and you are holding off starting! When my Dr gave me a prescription for E, I stopped at the first pharmacy I found after leaving his office to collect those magic pills. What amazing strength and maturity you are showing to take it one day at a time. This is yours and your family's journey. You have to do what feels right for you.

It will be interesting to see how things develop at your work. I am also getting lots of comments about looking different, especially my longer hair. I wonder when I officially come out, how many would have guessed what is going on with me and how many will be in complete shock. It's going to be fun! Are you thinking about telling anyone at your work that you are trans?

Quote
.. I feel and know I am real and human, I am normal.  Maybe uncommon, but human and normal.

YES!!! Yes to all of that! You are human and very real, and you most certainly are normal! You are also uncommon, but that is a good thing. Life would be very boring if we were all the same.

Telling your kids will be a big step. At some point it will become a necessary step. You and your wife will know when the time is right.

The further you progress with discovering your true self, the harder it becomes to not be that person. I am finding my current switching between male and female mode is a very difficult stage of my transition. It started off ok where I would present female for my therapy sessions and then that expanded to include electrolysis sessions. Now it is pretty much full time except for when I'm at work. Personally, it is not something I could keep doing for the long term. What gets me through is the knowledge that male mode is only temporary while I'm working out some technicalities with coming out at work.

The 3 big steps you want to take are indeed big steps. You could treat them as seperate goals rather than one big step. There will be some stress associated with each of these steps but it doesn't mean you will return to the dark period you previously experienced. You are now better equipped emotionally to deal with the stress. The fear you are feeling is natural and expected. You know you are doing the right thing when the fear is not enough to stop you from doing what you need to do. The fear can become a source of strength to help you to move forward.

Karen, you have come such long way since first meeting you here at Susan's. It is a privilege to follow and be a part of your journey. Thank you for sharing. I am looking forward to more of your updates.

Hugs,
Jayne

Thank you all...  I really appreciate your encouragement, advice and support.   The more the better!!

A few more details:

I have committed myself to a one day at a time approach.  This combined with HRT / medication has helped me slow this down and make it manageable for me at an emotional level and from a time perspective.   It was very overwhelming before. 

On HRT, I too ran to the pharmacist to get and start HRT - anti androgens....within an hour of the endo appointment.   He and my genders therapist had different views - the endo was supportive of anti androgens and estrogen (which is why he gave me the preapproved prescription - that my MD could authorize), and the gender therapist recommended anti androgens only.  My gender therapist and I met after the endo appointment, and he strongly encouraged me to try try anti androgen for 3 months and then see.    Given my one day at a time approach and fear, I agreed to start there.   So, its less about discipline and more about managing fear and life. 

I am doing much better than I was, but my dysphoria and desire to do more is far from gone...it is just less intense.   I just a had a moment when I saw a woman dressed as I wish I could and my frustration level spiked.  I am making plans to do some shopping, etc...   I had a moment last night where we went out and I was in full male mode - men's blazer, dress shirt that is too big and manly, and men's jeans.  I did not like it and to top it off my wife said I looked good.   My female fitted jeans and a more fitted shirt or blouse would have been much nicer.  In short its not gone just more manageable. 

The other thing I am finding with anti androgens is while I am better over all, I am less anxious and emotional but when I get sad, I get really sad.  I also have developed a mindset that if life ended tomorrow it would be ok, and likely easier than what the future holds...it am sure this is guilt and shame driven and not wanting to hurt my wife and kids or be rejected by the world.   

Let me stress, I am doing much much better and in objective and stable kind of way. 

However, in spite of HRT, there still is dysphoria and desire, and there are periods of sadness.   On the one hand I am good that I am ok if life was to end tomorrow (it feels like logic), yet on the other it bothers me that I don't feel a strong sense of empathy the loss it would create or purpose for the next chapter of my life.   

Can anyone relate? Or have shared experiences?   (PS - I worry that the zero testosterone and limited estrogen has put me into a place of not feeling...which is not a bad coping strategy, but a tough way to have a fulfilling and purposeful life).

Hugs

Karen.

Dear Karen,

I think it is kind of normal that you feel a bit depressed on AA only, because we all need some kind of hormone to feel good. I was in a similar situation 2 year ago, when I was on very low dose estrogen, and then I decided to increase my estrogen. I do feel better, and I I no real problem to hide the body changes as I have to present as male most of the time, both at work and at home.

Hugs.

Pascale

Hi everyone...

Here's a bit of an up date. 

Yesterday was a return to therapy for my wife and I, and then myself alone....after a bit of a quiet period and summer break.   As you know these sessions often push us outside our comfort zone, and yesterday was no different.  Thank goodness my individual session was booked later in the day after the couples session.

I love our couples councillor.   She is amazingly caring and open, and askes the though questions.   Yesterday she asked me to describe to my wife what my vision for being female was.  This was prompted by me sharing lots of transgender education stuff with my wife and my support group.  Our councillor said that is all good, but have you shared with your wife what it would mean for me to be female.  I was prepared, but not for the emotion in me that surfaced.   

I shared....

- my genital dysphora and how I tuck all the time, even in the bathroom when nude and how I avoid looking at it when I can't tuck.  How I wait for my wife to leave the bathroom so she does not see me tucked, or if I have be there with her, how hard it is to enter the bathroom with it hanging out.  I broke down as I shared this, feeling embarrassed and shameful and sad she had to hear this.
- not liking the shape of my body
- liking clothes and what clothes I would love to wear
- to moving from physical dysphoria to emotional anxiety and dysphoria....I shared that I have everything in the world that should make me happy, but am not happy and admire the smiles and laughs of joyful women.  To wanting to be that person and more joyful and present to my kids and friends. 
- I shared how I would love to play cards or games with my kids, rather than go to bed exhausted and anxious every week end because I am out of sorts with myself.
- I finally shared how want the right body, clothes and emotions to be me...physically and emotionally

Our councillor was amazing.  She got it and quickly helped my wife see the lack of alignment I am dealing with at a physical and emotional level.   

It was apparent my wife is supportive and caring, but also has trouble empathising ....saying, many women don't like their bodies or are not happy.  But she is learning and is trying hard. 

The hardest part was after the session...where I realized that while I am doing much better in coping and carrying on with life, that my dysphoria and unhappiness is still very real.  That I am doing better, but have also pushed down my dysphoria and feelings.....all of it came out and it was very emotional. 

My individual therapist was amazing and she gets it, and we agreed to keep taking it one day at a time and one step at a time.   She acknowledged that anyone not living in alignment ultimately boiles over in one way or another.   

The magnitude of this part of me and journey is much bigger for me today, than it was a few days ago....but in a good way.   I am making progress, I have all of you and an incredible support group, and I believe what is meant to be will happen. 

Thanks for your listening, support and comments / advice.

Karen

@Karen
Dear Karen:
Thank you for posting your detailed update.   It certainly is a good chronicle of what you are going though with your ongoing dysphoria, issues with your wife and the good news that you are both seeing your couples counselor, and your good experiences with your individuall therapy sessions.

A lot of what you discussed is not new stuff for most of us transitioners... you are not alone in that respect.

The best thing you can do is to continue with your counselor and therapist sessions and continue to deal with all that you discussed here on your update the best that you can.

Frankly, just writing it out here on your thread or writing about it in your own private journal is good therapy in itself.
Thank you for keeping your followers updated...
I will be looking for your next update installlment.
Hugs and well wishes, as always,
Danielle

@Alaskan Danielle

Thanks for your support and acknowledgement.   I updated my post given bad grammar and incomplete thoughts.   Sharing with you and others is a way of journally, and looking for guidance and feedback.  It feels so good to not be a lone and be part of a trusting community that gets it. 

Thanks for all your care and support of me and many many others. 

Karen

Thank you for the update Karen. 

I found regarding this...
"It was apparent my wife is supportive and caring, but also has trouble empathising ....saying, many women don't like their bodies or are not happy.  But she is learning and is trying hard."   
... that while my wife understood the narrative, hearing it from me was hard to reconcile, hence the issue with empathy.  She has since come around as I hope your wife will also.

Its quite possible some of your tiredness will dissipate when you go on to estrogen, as now you are on low levels of both T and E.  As to sadness, I know you have been sad for some time like many us that hid for years.  All this change you're going through will mitigate some of it.  Yet as you've seen, some gets replaced with "other" sadness.  For me this was easier to manage and despite losing the guy she loved my wife is happy with me now as I am a nicer version to be with.

You are making wonderful progress.
Judi 

Hi Karen,

Thank you for this emotional update. I started crying when I read what you shared in your couples therapy session about your dysphoria. I can relate to so much of that but I have always struggled to express these feelings with words.

I am so glad you find your counsellor amazing. Having a good counsellor/therapist that you have a good relationship with can make all the difference in your journey.

Getting all of this stuff out into the open and sharing it with your wife is really good progress. Your wife is trying very hard to understand. You both clearly love each other and your children. Keep doing what you are doing. Each day is bringing you closer to your goal.

Hugs,
Jayne

Quote from: Karen on September 21, 2018, 12:01:02 PM
Hi everyone...

Here's a bit of an up date. 

Yesterday was a return to therapy for my wife and I, and then myself alone....after a bit of a quiet period and summer break.   As you know these sessions often push us outside our comfort zone, and yesterday was no different.  Thank goodness my individual session was booked later in the day after the couples session.

I love our couples councillor.   She is amazingly caring and open, and askes the though questions.   Yesterday she asked me to describe to my wife what my vision for being female was.  This was prompted by me sharing lots of transgender education stuff with my wife and my support group.  Our councillor said that is all good, but have you shared with your wife what it would mean for me to be female.  I was prepared, but not for the emotion in me that surfaced.   

I shared....

- my genital dysphora and how I tuck all the time, even in the bathroom when nude and how I avoid looking at it when I can't tuck.  How I wait for my wife to leave the bathroom so she does not see me tucked, or if I have be there with her, how hard it is to enter the bathroom with it hanging out.  I broke down as I shared this, feeling embarrassed and shameful and sad she had to hear this.
- not liking the shape of my body
- liking clothes and what clothes I would love to wear
- to moving from physical dysphoria to emotional anxiety and dysphoria....I shared that I have everything in the world that should make me happy, but am not happy and admire the smiles and laughs of joyful women.  To wanting to be that person and more joyful and present to my kids and friends. 
- I shared how I would love to play cards or games with my kids, rather than go to bed exhausted and anxious every week end because I am out of sorts with myself.
- I finally shared how want the right body, clothes and emotions to be me...physically and emotionally

Our councillor was amazing.  She got it and quickly helped my wife see the lack of alignment I am dealing with at a physical and emotional level.   

It was apparent my wife is supportive and caring, but also has trouble empathising ....saying, many women don't like their bodies or are not happy.  But she is learning and is trying hard. 

The hardest part was after the session...where I realized that while I am doing much better in coping and carrying on with life, that my dysphoria and unhappiness is still very real.  That I am doing better, but have also pushed down my dysphoria and feelings.....all of it came out and it was very emotional. 

My individual therapist was amazing and she gets it, and we agreed to keep taking it one day at a time and one step at a time.   She acknowledged that anyone not living in alignment ultimately boiles over in one way or another.   

The magnitude of this part of me and journey is much bigger for me today, than it was a few days ago....but in a good way.   I am making progress, I have all of you and an incredible support group, and I believe what is meant to be will happen. 

Thanks for your listening, support and comments / advice.

Karen

Hi Karen,

  I have not been able to keep up with all you have going on, but I do read some of this thread when I can. Your last update sounded like a really big one for you with your therapy sessions. Hopefully it becomes as important to your wife. It is good that she is willing to go to therapy with you and she is trying. It also sounds like both of your therapists are good and are really trying to support you. This is all good.
  To tell your therapist and your wife just how this is affecting you is going to be of immense help to her in understanding how this is for you. You must also understand how it is for her too. In any relationship honest and open communication is a key component in making the relationship work. You two are working on that with the help of your therapists. Good luck to you both in making this work. You have a good start.

Hugs,
  Laurie

@Jayne01
@Alaskan Danielle
@Laurie
@JudiBlueEyes

Hi everyone... 

Thanks for your understanding and encouragement.   

While it was very hard to share my experience verbally, it is another positive step.  The difficulty was facing and dealing with another layer of guilt / shame / embarrassment.   As I shared this experience with you, my sister, and a coupe close friends in my support group it has helped me move forward.  Everyone I talked to was taken back, especially by the specifics around my dysphoria and my experience.  All were appreciative.   It has helped me move to another stage of acceptance...this is just part of me, I am not broken, I did not choose  it, and I should not feel bad for being me. 

It has helped me move today with confidence and share with my wife and others my preferences at this stage for neutral pronouns and nick names that are more neutral / feminine.  If I don't share my preferences how will they ever know. 

Ps also bought some tops on Friday that are women's and neutral looking...I did it with confidence and it felt good.  My only regret was when the cashier asked if I was buying anything for myself today, I said no.  I regret not saying this is for me.  I actually told one of the other service person and she was fine.   

It is fascinating how each little layer of facing fear ultimately creates a new light. 

Thanks again.  Big hugs.

Quote from: Karen on September 23, 2018, 05:48:45 PM
@Jayne01
@Alaskan Danielle
@Laurie
@JudiBlueEyes

Hi everyone... 

Thanks for your understanding and encouragement.   

While it was very hard to share my experience verbally, it is another positive step.  The difficulty was facing and dealing with another layer of guilt / shame / embarrassment.   As I shared this experience with you, my sister, and a coupe close friends in my support group it has helped me move forward.  Everyone I talked to was taken back, especially by the specifics around my dysphoria and my experience.  All were appreciative.   It has helped me move to another stage of acceptance...this is just part of me, I am not broken, I did not choose  it, and I should not feel bad for being me. 

It has helped me move today with confidence and share with my wife and others my preferences at this stage for neutral pronouns and nick names that are more neutral / feminine.  If I don't share my preferences how will they ever know. 

Ps also bought some tops on Friday that are women's and neutral looking...I did it with confidence and it felt good.  My only regret was when the cashier asked if I was buying anything for myself today, I said no.  I regret not saying this is for me.  I actually told one of the other service person and she was fine.   

It is fascinating how each little layer of facing fear ultimately creates a new light. 

Thanks again.  Big hugs.

Hi Karen,

This is excellent news. Great progress with your acceptance. You are absolutely right, you're not broken and should not feel bad for being you.

Sharing your preference for name and pronouns with your wife and others is another really positive step forward.

Don't worry too much about not telling the store cashier the items you bought were for you. You bought the clothes. Next time you will be more confident and won't be shy about admitting the clothes are for you.

You are doing awesome Karen! Own your identity! It's who you are.

You go girl!

Hugs,
Jayne

Karen, reading your reply brought tears to my eyes.  I am proud of you!  Yes this is part of who we are and it's nothing to be ashamed of.  The light gets brighter each and every day!

Hugs, Judi

Hi everyone.   It has been quite a while since I up dated you on my journey.   I have been watching and reading in the background, proud to see how caring, open and supportive you all are.   What a special place.

Here's my update:

I have continued to do a lot of work with my therapists and our couples therapist.   

Our focus has been on working through issues as a couple, with transparency and mutual love and respect.   Our therapist is an amazing and progressive individual.   My wife and I also spent a long week end away, just hanging out together, and it did a lot to create space to just be together and enjoy each other (and talk through tough issues in a respectful way).  We are in a much better place knowing we love each other and understand each other's challenges.   

My individual therapy has also helped me see, understand and work through more feelings of shame and feeling broken.   I am in a much better place of accepting this as a core part of me...unique in the world, but normal.   I am so much more confident and calm.   

And my shame is significantly less too.  It was founded on years of being assamed, feelings of feeling broken, and sadness about the impact my situation would / could have on my kids, wife, friendships and life / career.   I don't feel any shame as I write this update...it is me, its special and its good.   My wife and I have come a long way, my friends have been incredible support to both of us, and my career will be fine.   

And my kids.....they are amazing human beings.   2 nights ago, we had a family meeting and my wife and I told them about my gender dysphoria, steps we have been working through and that we love each other and them more than anything in the world.   They range between 15 and 20 years of age.   Young people today are so well informed and open hearted and open minded.   

Here are some highlights:

- no tears, which speaks to the progress my wife and I have made in working through our fears and baggage, and in acceptance
- the kids were compassionate and loving toward both of us
- they asked great questions about pronouns, interests changing, plans, etc
- and there were really funny: show of hands of who is surprised...no hands went up; do you still like boy toys like tractors and such...yup; can we go to Drag shows together; discussion about clues they were wondering about
- and most important, checking in on their mom to make sure she is ok

I could not be more proud of my kids, and happy with the progress we are making.   To think only 3 months ago I thought the better path was to bring this life to a close...

Lastly I have began attending LBGTQ events through work.   At this point I am seen as a very visible Ally, including to an Ally to a few amazing TG individuals.   ....Ally is good for now....:)

My dysphoria is far from gone, and I continue to take other small steps to create alignment on this long road.   It is amazing the baggage I built up over my life - inner homo / transphobia, feeling broken and unacceptable, shame, guilt, etc.  And it is even more amazing how good it feels to take steps toward resolving these feelings.  Each step of transition triggers the next level of facing these innner issues.   

Thank you to you all for making this place such a safe, honest and supportive place.   

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to all of you.   Sending you lots of hugs and love over the next few weeks. 

Gratefully,

Karen

What a lovely update, Karen!  I am happy for you that you and your wife have made such progress, and that your kids are supportive.  You obviously raised them right!  I am glad, too, that you are feeling better about yourself.

What a nice note to finish off the year on!

@Karen
Dear Karen:
Thank you so very much for coming back to your transition thread that helps to keep your followers tuned in to the progress that you are experiencing in your journey.

I am always quite happy when I see transitioners that can find a way to get back into a good relationship with their partners.   Having a amicable relationship with your wife and with your children being supportive is a wonderful Christmas gift that you have received

It is wonderful that things are taking a turn for the better at home, with your family members and your friends then that is certainly the catalyst that will allow you to start feeling better about yourself and your journey.   Of course being able to state that your job and career will be fine takes an immense amount of pressure off of your mind and your mental attitude will much more positive.

Thank you for sharing with all of us...
Please don't take another 3 months to come back to your thread with an update.
We are your biggest fans, we are all rooting for you.

Hugs and well wishes for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Danielle

Karen
I too have to say that that is wonderful news. You must be feeling very good about things. Wishing you more of the same along your journey.

You are making wonderful progress Karen.  I'm sure it is a huge relief to you to come out to your children and have it go well.  Congrats!

Thank you all for your support. 

It's Christmas Day and I am alone in a French coffee shop having a ham and cheese croissant.  My family has been great but I am finding myself very sensitive looking for judgement and acceptance.  I wish I was totally comfortable in my skin.  Every step we take involves a new level of peace and self acceptance.  I am also worried about hurting my kids.  They have been great.  Processing and worried about change, but great.   

I hope you are all good.  This is a great place to come when we feel lonely.  Hugs and happy holidays to each and all of you. 

Karen 

Quote from: Karen on December 25, 2018, 01:11:16 PM
Thank you all for your support. 

It's Christmas Day and I am alone in a French coffee shop having a ham and cheese croissant.  My family has been great but I am finding myself very sensitive looking for judgement and acceptance.  I wish I was totally comfortable in my skin.  Every step we take involves a new level of peace and self acceptance.  I am also worried about hurting my kids.  They have been great.  Processing and worried about change, but great.   

I hope you are all good.  This is a great place to come when we feel lonely.  Hugs and happy holidays to each and all of you. 

Karen

@Karen
My Dear Karen:
I am very happy that you are updating your thread. 
This is definitely the season for all of us to find happiness in our lives, however it is also the time of the year that can be very difficult for many that do not find acceptance and support in their family.
This reminds me of the old saying....
   "If life doesn't deal you enough problems, we can always count on our own family"

I hope and trust that you are finding the joy and happiness that you deserve.  Please know that here on the Forums that we are your biggest fans and supporters.   
When crossing paths with others, it should be our mission to offer our friendship, acceptance and support... for us to be the light in their darkness.... we not only will bring joy to others but we also feel better for doing it.
I wish for you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS
and a prosperous and Happy NEW YEAR 

Hugs and as always, Well Wishes
Danielle

@Karen
Dear Karen:
This past year since I have met you on the Forums has been most enjoyable. 
I have very much enjoyed swapping comments and thoughts with you on your thread, my thread, and on various threads around the Forums.
Obviously there are some bumps in the road that all of us experience so we continue to hang on for an exciting ride.

It was wonderful for me to meet you on the Forums this past year...
I have so much enjoyed your updates as you continue on in your journey.
Thank you for feeling free to share your life events with all of us.   

I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums this last year and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR   in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle

Hi everyone.  I hope you all had a good holiday season.

This is not going to be my most positive post.   While my kids have accepted and handled the my news exceptionally well, I have been a mess since.   

It started with me being incredibly sensitive to judgment, rejection and loneliness after we told them.  And followed with very high levels of anxiety for the last week, especially in the mornings.   And a few days of depression and wanting this life to be over.   

Perhaps its the 2 weeks of being a way from work and routine.   Or the follow on fear and sadness that followed telling the kids.   I don't know, but it has been horrible.   I understand that self doubt and sadness go hand in hand with dysphoria and transition, but this is hard.   

I don't want to go back in time, I don't want to stop blockers (God help me), and I don't think I have the emotional strength to move forward.  And staying in purgatory is truly hopeless....I go to work (which is pretty good), I eat a health diner, snuggle a bit with my kids and go to bed / wake up thinking about being transgender and what to do.   ...life without purpose, other than keeping my job and not hurting my kids.   

Over the ast week my mornings and nights have been filled with loneliness, and feeling trapped in my life and body.  Lots of sadness and tears.... And frustration toward my wife.   She has been supportive and very balanced, but not emotionally available to check in on me or show care for me in these low periods.   She's a doer and pragmatist, not a nurturer or one who consoles.   This adds to my anxiety feeling like no one can empathize with my pain or reality.   And feeling like I need to end it all or go it alone. 

I just want to run away.  I just want it all to go away.   As I have relived my life, I can see how I had elements of dysphoria through out and felt I was more female than male.  I have always questioned gender / who I was and why I was wired so differently...   but I pushed forward determined to prove I was good enough as a man and father. 

I also have had 2 tough experiences with my best friends and supports.  2 dinner parties where I did not feel like I fit in the men's conversation or the women's conversation, and where the wrong pronouns after pronouns ate away at me until I finally broke and I needed to leave and be alone.  They are wonderful people and they care so deeply...and I don't feel like I fit in that life.

I am lost and stuck at the same time.   Trapped in a life and body, most people would love to have.   

Sorry for venting so much.   It's just tough. 

Karen

@Karen:
Dear Karen:
I want you to know that none of us are always living a happy and wonderful life all the time....  we all have our trials and tribulations at the most unexpected and inconvenient moments.

Do relish in the fact that your kids have accepted and handled your transition announcement exceptionally well.

All the feelings that you described of rejection, loneliness and judgement are things that I have dealt with and most others here on the forums here have dealt with.   Please find the strength inside yourself to continue to move forward...  don't keep yourself in purgatory....  and do know that your life does indeed have purpose...  you have a commitment to your family and to your job, and to yourself to see through what you have to do in your life.

Even though you have reported the good news that your wife has been supportive and I am certain that she can empathize with your pain...  you also need to be able to empathize with her emotions and her pain as well.  In many cases a spouse or partner can have more pain and anxiety than the one that is transitioning....  have patience and understanding.... and always show love and tenderness.   You will have a lot more headway with honey than you would with vinegar.  It is a difficult road not only for you, but for her as well.  In the heat of the moment, arguments and unsavory words will not be acceptable for either one on you to hear and will not win you any points.

I am so very sorry to hear of your 2 bad dinner party experiences with your best friends and supporters.  I have certainly had the similar feelings of not fitting in to either the men's conversations or the women's conversations...  this happens to many transitioners.   
Regarding dead-naming and mis-gendering with the wrong pronouns....  it is very difficult for many of even our closest friends and family to "forget" the person that they have always known and to all of a sudden use a "new" name and connect it with the proper pronouns....  don't judge them too harshly, old habits die hard.   
For myself, even after living as a full time woman for over 2 years when I just last week went back to my old home town to visit my parents, extended family and old friends, those are the ones that had the most difficult time with my name and pronoun gendering...  I try to look at it from their perspective and I can understand what they may be experiencing when interfacing with the new me.

Hopefully the fact that you have written out your feelings and have vented with like-minded friends here on the forums that this has been a help to you and in a sense, a relief valve of sorts.   I always find that writing about my difficult issues either privately or sharing with friends is a good therapy exercise and helps to clear my mind... and in effect "reset" my emotional balance.  I hope that this is the case with you now that you have vented and gotten some of that out of your system.

Hugs and more hugs, and please continue to keep us updated.
Danielle

Dear Karen,

I wish you a lot of courage.

A few weeks after telling my children, it has been quite difficult as well. They well accepting me well, but they were suffering.
But after several months, they got used to it somehow.
With my wife also, they are ups and downs, but we keep loving each other.

I hope you will find again the positive side of accepting yourself and allowing yourself to be you more and more...

Hugs !

Pascale

@Alaskan Danielle

Thank you so much for your reply. 

I clearly needed to vent and to put pen to paper.  It helped.   

You're empathy and understanding is appreciated.  These "dark" periods are lonely and scary and it really helps too have friends that can relate.   It is interesting...I once had feelings of being broken, which I no longer have or feeling unacceptable...way back from my childhood which I don't really have.   Recently it has been fear of rejection and loneliness, and just sadness and grief.   I am much better now.   

Your comments on my wife are helpful too.   She is doing the best she can, as are my friends.   I found myself looking for more from her and my friends.   I was looking for a level of empathy and emotional support that is hard for her or them to give.  They can't totally relate, and they are working through their own change.   They have been great and are trying really hard.   I need to be more comfortable sharing where I am at on my journey and saying what I need.   And most importantly I want to give them kindness and love.

My kids continue to impress me.    They are open hearted and open minded.   It is beautiful really. 

Thank you again!

Hugs

Karen

@Autrement

Thank you for your encouragement and support.   

I am doing much better on all fronts.   Sharing with you, and talking to my therapist, really helped me reframe my perspective.   It is scary how dark it is at times.

Thanks for sharing your lessons with your kids.   As open hearted and minded by kids are, I know they worry about what might or will change.   The had hoped it was a mid life crisis.  They worry about money and career.  And they worry about their mom.   All good and natural things.   We are trying to give them space and are not pushing them to talk.   ...things like names, and further changes for me are off the table for now.   

Thank you again Pascale

Hugs

Karen

@Karen


We are in a very similar situation, trying to protect our wife and children from this sudden « crisis » as much as we can, but knowing that it will not go away by itself.

We will probably have to go down a path, a therapy, a liberating way to become our true selves.

Let's hope that time will play on our side, so that we can accomplish this without breaking too much of what we have built, and keep together all the ones we love and who rely on us.

Hugs.

Pascale

@Karen
Dear Karen:
What's happening girl???

It has been a MONTH since you last treated your thread followers to your updates.
I am trusting and hoping that you are OK.

Please give us an update and let us know how you are doing.

Please come back soon ... I miss you!!!

HUGS and well wishes,
Danielle

Thanks Danielle..   

I am doing well.   Lots has happened and will happen over the next few weeks.

My kids and spouse are doing well.   I am getting lots of support, and I am much more patient and understanding of their needs and limitations.   My friends have been great too.

One of our extend friends have figured out my situations.   I have not confirmed anything yet, but they have confided in other friends that they see what is happening and want to help.  Nice.  This friend knows the transgender signs...the lost a best friend who transitioned and wanted nothing to do with their past.  They don't want to lose another friend, or want our mutual friends to lose my wife or I.   

I went shopping for boots, with heels and the clerk was amazing.    I also bought a few winter jackets that I love.   Both clerks made me feel human and real. 

This week my wife told her sister and her best friend...then I had discussions with both of them.  They were amazingly supportive and were most concerned that we have been on this journey for almost 2 years and they would have loved to have helped.   We are blessed to have incredible friends, kids and each other.

Moving forward:

- tomorrow is my physical and I am going to ask for an estrogen percription

- Tuesday I am having a consultation with another gender therapist.  My current one is great, but does not advise or consult on the process.  I am at a point where I need a more affirmative therapist that can guide me and write letters in due course.

- I am doing my homework and getting ready to tell my bosses.  They deserve to know from me, and deserve to have time to learn and prepare well in advance of any announcement.  I am also making sure my disability insurance is in order in case I need to go off for stress or other reasons.

- I am planning a shopping trip to New York and image consulting week end.   I have never been out in public and am concerned about passing, and having confidence in what my future self could be.   It's an important next step in ensuring I am ready and confident. 

Lastly, my confidence level is good now.   Support at home helps, as does progress.  I am also learning to find strength from within me, vs looking for it from others.    This is a big step for me and someone with a high need for affection and has deep fears of judgment and being alone. 

This journey certainly causes us to face our deepest fears, not because we want to but because we have to to make it through and grow.

Big hugs

Karen   

@Karen
My dear Karen:
I am so very happy that you have come back to your thread so soon after my "reminder" comment.

Reading your latest update and transition endeavors as you are getting ready at your tomorrow appointment for your physical exam to ask your doctor for HRT prescriptions is so very good for all of your followers to hear.   Will this be the first time that your doctor will hear about your transition plans?
Finding a new gender therapist that you will be happier with is a good move plus it will be good that your doctor knows that you are seeing a therapist.

Also it is nice to read that you are getting overwhelming acceptance from family and friends.  with that acceptance and support from those that are close to you it certainly makes your transition decisions and plans somewhat easier.

Your shopping trip success for shoes, boots and a few winter jackets is so very self-affirming and confidence building for you.
Plus your planning a shopping trip to New York and image consulting week end is a wonderful idea and should be of big help to you.   Are you taking your wife with you on that trip?

I am wishing you well and crossing my fingers and my toes for you regarding coming out to you work environment.... be brave, be bold, and think positive and believe in yourself for a successful outcome.

Yes, you are absolutely correct, the personal transition journey certainly causes us to face our deepest fears.

Thank  you again for your update... please continue to post again soon but only as you feel comfortable doing.

Hugs and Hugs and Hugs..... and as always, well wishes.
Danielle