I told my wife finally, sooner than I expected, but the guilt and the anxiety was getting to be too much.
It was only a few hours ago, and there were a lot of tears, and a lot of anger, but she seems to be ok now. Im hoping we can move on from this. She said they never work out on TV, I had to assure her we aren't on TV. She thought I was going to run away with some guy, I had to assure her she is the only one who matters to me. I really hope it works. Im willing to go as fast as she wants to as long as she is happy.
Update, shes going to go to my therapy session tomorrow and we are kind of back to our normal routine for the evening, I hope this means good things.
That sounds very hopeful. Best of luck to you.
Without knowing much more of the details of your situation, I say things are looking well for you!
The fact alone that you chose to tell her, rather than her finding out on her own is a big plus! Your conversation went very similar to my own with my wife. She was angry, crying alot, it's a big big shock/surprise/change for them, so all emotions are gonna be rapid-firing for a bit.
I agree, real life is not like the movies, just how sex is not like porn. But many of us do not understand and try to make life like the movies/porn; I'm not accusing her of that, but I do thing it's something to keep in-mind whenever such an argument arises.
My wife does not want a sexual relationship with the new me, and she says she'd support me if I eventually am looking for such a thing. But truthfully, I do not want to be intimate with anyone else. And I feel like you share that feeling, your wife might also be thinking that you're trying to replace her role in the relationship, or that you are trying to be a better woman than her. Women are very competition driven(from what I've seen) So I think it's extra important that you ease any of her worries and dismiss her concerns right now, but only if that is actually true for you as well.
It's wonderful that she is willing to go to therapy with you! It shows that she supports you, but may not know what to do and is looking for guidance.
I really believe everything will turn out all right for you. I'm so happy for you! May you and your wife have a long, happy life 2.0 together ;)
PS: They only don't work out on TV cause they are written that way. They could easily be written to work out. But Drama = viewers, so...
Quote from: Eryn T on June 26, 2018, 10:32:09 PM
Without knowing much more of the details of your situation, I say things are looking well for you!
The fact alone that you chose to tell her, rather than her finding out on her own is a big plus! Your conversation went very similar to my own with my wife. She was angry, crying alot, it's a big big shock/surprise/change for them, so all emotions are gonna be rapid-firing for a bit.
I agree, real life is not like the movies, just how sex is not like porn. But many of us do not understand and try to make life like the movies/porn; I'm not accusing her of that, but I do thing it's something to keep in-mind whenever such an argument arises.
My wife does not want a sexual relationship with the new me, and she says she'd support me if I eventually am looking for such a thing. But truthfully, I do not want to be intimate with anyone else. And I feel like you share that feeling, your wife might also be thinking that you're trying to replace her role in the relationship, or that you are trying to be a better woman than her. Women are very competition driven(from what I've seen) So I think it's extra important that you ease any of her worries and dismiss her concerns right now, but only if that is actually true for you as well.
It's wonderful that she is willing to go to therapy with you! It shows that she supports you, but may not know what to do and is looking for guidance.
I really believe everything will turn out all right for you. I'm so happy for you! May you and your wife have a long, happy life 2.0 together ;)
PS: They only don't work out on TV cause they are written that way. They could easily be written to work out. But Drama = viewers, so...
Thanks!
I have one thing going for me, ive never been the "man" in the relationship. Shes always been in charge except for when it comes to picking the evening movie.
Im hoping for the best. Its hurts more knowing I caused her pain. Im hoping there will be a happy ending for us.
Yeah, you're gonna be alright, hun!
I, too, was never much of a 'man.' I did do things like kill the bugs, hold the door open, etc. but I also do the dishes, vaccuum, laundry, ect. I don't know exactly what the husband is 'supposed' to do, because it really seems like they just sit and want to be left alone or something :/
And if she never had to greatly rely on you before for man-ish things, then your relationship dynamic won't really change at all. As I told my wife, it's the context that changes. Example, I will still set-up the tree and decorate it on Christmas with my wife, but this time, I'll just be a woman while doing it. It does matter, but it's not turning something beautiful into something ugly like people may fear.
One thing is for sure, you are now both on the roller coaster. Until things get sorted out, many things can be said, can be misunderstood, can be cause for hurt. I would try not to pay too much heed to the highest highs or lowest lows. When we get on Susan's or live being trans, we understand a good bit about it. The world, including some therapists are amazingly clueless. Reassuring her of your stability is a great idea. Very proud of you for telling her, J. Good luck, Hon!
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on June 27, 2018, 07:08:16 AM
One thing is for sure, you are now both on the roller coaster. Until things get sorted out, many things can be said, can be misunderstood, can be cause for hurt. I would try not to pay too much heed to the highest highs or lowest lows. When we get on Susan's or live being trans, we understand a good bit about it. The world, including some therapists are amazingly clueless. Reassuring her of your stability is a great idea. Very proud of you for telling her, J. Good luck, Hon!
Moni
The point that keeps coming back is she thinks im leaving her, that this was just a stepping stone and once Im Me, im out. I have to keep telling her she's my one and only. Im not planning on going anywhere. I hope she understands that.
Well done on laying the truth on the line! Even if this goes pear-shaped, she'll respect that you had to guts to come out and not keep it a hidden secret for any longer than was necessary. It looks like she's taken it fairly well though, all things considered. I'd say there's a lot of hope that you'll stay together. Good luck my friend!
I think its going to be going great! Im taking my time, we are actively joking about the whole thing, and she scolded me about buying makeup only because she has plenty to spare, and I bought revlon and she wont even buy that for herself =P
Im still going to take it one day at a time, let the whole idea ease into her. Sudden changes might be too much.
Quotewe are actively joking about the whole thing
Sounds very familiar :) My wife picks on me about my girly changes and acquirement(s). I do believe that it helped/helps her come to terms with what's happening. One of my threads outlines what we went through. It's easier now.
I don't get to spend much on stuff, I made her do the bills years ago and to tell me that we're broke ... all the time .. I have a 'spend the last dime' problem. We shop together and she decides .. that's a plus. Replacing my entire wardrobe made a dent. Not as bad as it could have been. Thrift and 2nd hand stores are your friend when on a budget.
I know people told me this was going to be a long process and they are right. She had a bit of a melt down today and was ready to throw it all away, that I could not be trusted. I reinforced the idea that Im still the same person, even asked about anything she likes about me that was exclusively male and the list was very very short.(she said she liked how I look, but I am not exactly what one would call good looking).
Im going to give her lots of space, go to my therapy and group sessions, and not really push this issue for a while until she gets used to the whole thing.
Quote from: generalchaos34 on June 27, 2018, 01:17:17 PM
The point that keeps coming back is she thinks im leaving her, that this was just a stepping stone and once Im Me, im out. I have to keep telling her she's my one and only. Im not planning on going anywhere. I hope she understands that.
But in reality you are leaving her. She married him and he is going to leave. She didn't ask for this and very likely doesn't want it.
My own experiance, my wife hates it but we love each other. We will work together but there are always ups and downs. Being absolutely honest with discussions and don't hide true feelings. She is going to possibly have trust issues and all her emotions are going to be all over the map with yours. The other thing is when friends and family don't accept which may happen she will be angry again with you. You can survive
Being younger is easier, older couples sometimes don't fare as well. It will take a lot of work from both of you. These are my experiences and every one is different. I came out in December and went full time in March so my wife had very little time to adjust.
Feel free to PM if you need
Quote from: generalchaos34 on July 01, 2018, 09:19:11 PM
I know people told me this was going to be a long process and they are right. She had a bit of a melt down today and was ready to throw it all away, that I could not be trusted. I reinforced the idea that Im still the same person, even asked about anything she likes about me that was exclusively male and the list was very very short.(she said she liked how I look, but I am not exactly what one would call good looking).
Im going to give her lots of space, go to my therapy and group sessions, and not really push this issue for a while until she gets used to the whole thing.
Be careful not to get to distant or she will feel you are gone. Not pushing or talking about this may become almost impossible. Even the slightest little comment may lead to a topicc or subject that relates back to transitioning or past life or you or her. It's almost unavoidable.
Best of luck and we are all here to try to help
Quote from: Donna on July 01, 2018, 10:25:13 PM
Be careful not to get to distant or she will feel you are gone. Not pushing or talking about this may become almost impossible. Even the slightest little comment may lead to a topicc or subject that relates back to transitioning or past life or you or her. It's almost unavoidable.
Best of luck and we are all here to try to help
I know what you mean. Im still going to be the best spouse I can be. Do everything she needs, give her the support she needs, and be generally helpful. I just want to show her im not going anywhere, and all the qualities she fell in love with aren't tied to gender.
When I told my one son, I could see he struggled at first. I over killed asking if he was alright. It is a balancing act, a fine line between checking with them too much and too little. A bit of normal behavior and conversation is very positive for loved ones. Too much time without talking about the elephant in the room can create issues too. Like anything else, its a balancing act.
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 02, 2018, 09:22:37 PM
When I told my one son, I could see he struggled at first. I over killed asking if he was alright. It is a balancing act, a fine line between checking with them too much and too little. A bit of normal behavior and conversation is very positive for loved ones. Too much time without talking about the elephant in the room can create issues too. Like anything else, its a balancing act.
The elephant in the room can sure act up at the most inappropriate times. I talk too much and then if I don't talk it becomes what's wrong, why aren't you talking.
It really is a balancing act to keep the time balanced between between yourself and loved ones.
Once you find that balance things can be great.
Reading this I wish I had something more to contribute.Some times adventures are not about the destination but rather the journey.I believe life is about being the best person that we can be.You just found a way to be your best but do not forget who you are.I believe you need to prove that you can still be just as fulfilling and in some ways better because you are no longer held back by repressed feelings.I believe if it is meant to be then love should be unconditional and understanding.
I listened and this is what I think, use it or not, but I do wish you luck on finding your way.