As a mtf, how did you cope with potentially losing others who disapprove of transgenderism if you reveal yourself to them as a mtf?
Or have you decided that you cannot lose at least some of them, so you do not reveal to them that you are mtf because you know that they do not approve of transgenderism?
This is a tough issue. Almost as tough as my female voice development!
This is something that I have to address head-on before going full time.
Chrissy
At least for me I got to the point where I was fed up with my own inaction and treated coming out a bit more like a memo of what was going to happen. They could accept it or not but that wouldn't change my path.
It's a tough issue and in my experience you need to accept the fact that some people simply won't accept this. While that might soften the blow slightly it still hurts when people react badly (and badly is a nice way to describe my immediate family's reaction) But it's not all doom and gloom, many more people reacted positively to my coming out than I ever expected.
I've been lucky, or perhaps it's the way most people really are these days. I've had no outright rejection, although I wouldn't doubt that some have chosen to distance themselves and I just haven't heard from them.
One cousin pushed back with some lengthy emails and letters, basically saying that it's not a real thing. But she still says "cousins are forever." Another relative told me that the above cousin shops for pants in a transgender store because they fit better, so go figure!
Some evangelical Christian cousins remain accepting and friendly.
Basically I've been surprised at the high degree of acceptance. Consider just getting the word out there and let the chips fall where they may. I hope it goes well for you.
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Hi Chrissy!!!
When asked about the subject during speaking engagements... I often use my analogy that, announcing to the people in your life...friends... family... aquaintences...that you are MTF and plan to transition, is a bit like telling everyone you know, that you are climbing Mt Everest...
Some will immediately tell you that they don't want to go there with you... perhaps think that you are crazy for wanting to do so...That is their feeling based on their own unique perspective and they are welcome to their truth as much as we are welcome to ours
Others will immediately want to go with you wherever the journey leads...some of them may travel to the top...others may attempt to climb with you but, find along the way, that their true path lies elsewhere... Thank them for coming so far with you, wish them all good things and keep climbing...
The part that many often don't immediately see before the climb is this... Along the journey... new faces will appear to love us and be loved by us... they will be the ones who have only known the brave climber and Love us for who we are....
The other part... not always fully realized in the beginning, is that when we reach the peak of this great journey called transition, we see that it was but a stepping stone to all that follows...
All good things to you Chrissy!... Have a good climb Sister!!!
Onward we go...
Ashley 🙋♀️💕🌻
PS... This snippet of "Song of the Open Road"... by Walt Whitman speaks to this subject... Finding ourself...as well as our place in the world and amongst others in life's journey....
From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently,but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.
I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.
Before I came out to anyone, my therapist challenged me by asking that if everyone (parents, wife, children) rejected me if I came out, could I carry on and accept that?
After some thought, I decided that while not what I wanted, I could accept that - a good thing as this did happen to a degree.
How did I cope?... I was always quite an independent person, and never relied upon others for my own validation. I think that and mentally preparing myself for the possibility before was what worked for me.
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Quote from: Megan. on March 31, 2019, 01:35:54 PM
I... never relied upon others for my own validation.
Exactly!!!
"
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me, "
Onward we go!
A 🙋♀️💕🌻
I decided ahead of time that I had to come out, come hell or high water. If people didn't like it, I would do without them in my life.
The attitude did wonders for my self-confidence, but it hasn't really been put to the test. If anyone has had a problem with my existence, they have at least been polite enough to keep it to themselves.
Personally, would not care if others disapproved and lost them. Im living my life, not theirs too.
Actually, never experienced this anyway. x
Thank you all for your thoughts.
I am accepting of myself but it does hurt to realize that most of the people who I know who are not trans-friendly I will lose my current relationships with, or that the relationships will change to some extent or likely be completely gone in some cases. I know new friends will come about over time, and that is good. I do hope for more good results that I am expecting from those I do know.
I cannot expect a male friend to treat me the same as a woman, that makes sense.
Thanks again for your thoughts. I respect all of you who already went fulltime, and I realize that a number of you have had some losses of friends, acquaintances, and others because of their lack of understanding and acceptance.
Chrissy
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 31, 2019, 08:55:26 PM
Thank you all for your thoughts.
I am accepting of myself but it does hurt to realize that most of the people who I know who are not trans-friendly I will lose my current relationships with, or that the relationships will change to some extent or likely be completely gone in some cases. I know new friends will come about over time, and that is good. I do hope for more good results that I am expecting from those I do know.
I cannot expect a male friend to treat me the same as a woman, that makes sense.
Thanks again for your thoughts. I respect all of you who already went fulltime, and I realize that a number of you have had some losses of friends, acquaintances, and others because of their lack of understanding and acceptance.
Chrissy
Hey Chrissy,
Also... Be open to the possibility that many of those who you will assume may have a negative reaction may surprise you...it is one thing to hear them espouse negative views on trans people when they don't know one... if you... someone they like... comes out to them...it demands some amount of reassessment of their views on their part and you may come out with a better reaction than anticipated.. in such a manner... the world changes!
Onward brave girl... LIVE your life... LOVE Your Life... Damn the torpedoes...
Ashley 🙋♀️💕🌻
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 31, 2019, 11:13:37 AM
As a mtf, how did you cope with potentially losing others who disapprove of transgenderism if you reveal yourself to them as a mtf?
Or have you decided that you cannot lose at least some of them, so you do not reveal to them that you are mtf because you know that they do not approve of transgenderism?
We must accept ourselves for what we are. If someone else cannot accept me for my true self, then that is their problem. Just forget them. There are so many other people in the world who are much nicer people.
Family is a special situation. Family is forever. We cannot forget family, so just be yourself and hope for the best. Sometime family will surprise you when you least expect it.
Coming out to those close to me was a difficult thing to do. But once I discovered just what was wrong with me for 64 years, of self hate, guilt, anger, goals achieved only to be lost, I had to transition into who I now knew I was. oming out to what few friends I had was not that difficult. Yes i lost a couple but not many. Family on the other hand was another matter. Of my three sisters I kept up with, one was already not talking to me and has disown me, One I thought I had a decent relationship with, doesn't accept me and though sad I can live with it. The sister I live with is supportive and happy for me. The one that was hardest for me is my daughter and son in law (fine christians btw) and my five grandchildren. I had talked it over with my therapist and thought I was prepared for whatever reaction I got. I was wrong. I told them and it did not go well. My daughter told me that she believed I had some unresolved issues that were the cause of all my problems in the past and now. She had a solution though! I could be "fixed"! All I had to do was turn my life over to god and he could fix me. They told me they needed some time to think about it and how it may affect our relationship. It was civil that night and I left in the morning. I have not seen them since. It became obvious they were not accepting when they engaged in character assassination on facebook. This has hurt me very much and brought back some old depression I had put away. Self hate and loathing returned from the dark where I had put them away. I began to plan my death. Depression is a horrible thing. I made my "Plan" and set a time frame. Spring of last year. Still months ahead...
One doesn't live in a vacuum. My friends here on the forums noticed I was having problems. A couple I respect a lot urged me to tell my therapist how down I was feeling and to give an antidepressant a try if offered. It was and I did. Then it was a race to see which would happen first; a0 the antidepressant would start working and help me feel better or b) Spring would arrive and I would keep my date in a forest with my shotgun. Needless to say the pills won by about 2 weeks. it was close.
Things got better. I found a girlfriend and things are pretty darnn good. I still grieve the loss of my daughter and grandchildren. It can really hurt if I think about them. I still take the antidepressant after increasing the dose 50% it has helped a little more. I fear not taking those pills. I know my depression can a likely will return if I do stop. I am not as strong as I thought I was.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on March 31, 2019, 10:13:32 PM
Coming out to those close to me was a difficult thing to do. But once I discovered just what was wrong with me for 64 years, of self hate, guilt, anger, goals achieved only to be lost, I had to transition into who I now knew I was...
...I am not as strong as I thought I was.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
You are a lot stronger than you know. You made it to 64 years.
I am a late transitioner as you are. We both have a previous life and all that goes with that history. If I had transitioned as a teenager, my life would be much simpler today. Life is full of "but, ifs". We made our decisions back then and there is no changing the consequences of those decisions. We just go on.
Sometimes others just expect too much from us. The time on earth that is left is ours. Live your life the way you want.
I went with the attitude that I was going to lose someone, I didn't know who or when it would happen but I figured that at least one person was going to disapprove to the point where they would no longer want to have anything to do with me. Initially I thought I had managed to navigate may way through but here I am 4 years later having lost a brother and my parents. Would knowing that have stopped me from coming out...no. This was not something I had a choice in doing...well I suppose technically I did have a choice, I could have decided to transition or I could have decided to take my own life...so not really a choice.
How did I cope...I cried a lot, I spent many hours wallowing in self pity and I am now slowing going through the anger stage...eventually I will get to acceptance. It is a process that will take time...It changes nothing...I had to do what I had to do...living my life as a guy was slowly killing me.
I wish it hadn't gone the way it did but there is nothing I can do at this stage but to hope that some day they will realise what they did and just how wrong it was and try and make amends...I won't be holding my breath. I still have a wonderful life with plenty of hugely supportive and loving people in my life who give me joy every day and help me to appreciate my new and wonderful life.
Liz
Like other transition costs, I view losing friends as another cost of transition. This is particularly true for me as I'm intending to move and go stealth for the most part. In addition, I have a lot of strong friendships with college buddies (who don't live in my town) that are unfortunately going to be sacrificed as part of this process.
Evaluating whether I was prepared to lose these friendships was something my therapist and I talked a lot about as part of making the decision to transition. I am going into transition expecting to lose everyone, but my therapist said in practice some people will stick with me.
This sucks - no getting around it. Honestly, for me this is the worst part of transition because I have a broad network of friends. But I've come to terms with losing it and have moved on emotionally.
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 31, 2019, 11:13:37 AM
As a mtf, how did you cope with potentially losing others who disapprove of transgenderism if you reveal yourself to them as a mtf?
Hi Chrissy, the decision to come out to people in our lives is certainly a personal one, every situation has it's own dynamics and variables. We can expect losses, but I think most people are educated enough today to realize it's not the end of the world, and do want to support you.
One story of coming out I will relate here that did involve a loss of a friend. I joined a band before I transitioned, it was a lot of fun playing cover tunes for weddings, corporate parties, festivals, etc, we were rockin' and making $$ playing music how cool was that...When I came out and announced to my band members I was transitioning to female, and changed my name, 2 of the band members (all guys) were just fine with me and supported me, they did not care one way or the other, we were a team. But the lead singer, while initially supportive, turned on me in the end. We gigged for over a year after I came out, however the working relationship worsened, and yes I believe my transition had much to do with it, it was not the music, that part was great. I eventually had to leave that band because the lead singer turned out to be a transphobe, and it was toxic to be around him. I joined another band shortly after leaving that one. The next band I joined I was my true self from the beginning and that turned out to be the best...That is how I coped, I made new friends and moved on.....
Best of luck to you Chrissy.
Cynthia -
Considering I'm not out yet, my response may be more bold than actually ends up being practical, so take it with a grain of salt, but... honestly, no one who disapproves needs to be in my life, no matter what. I'm not inclined to waste time grovelling for others' approval. Much of my extended family are a bunch of regressive Christian dominionists, and I'm honestly looking forward to having an excuse to finally confront them about it instead of sitting in silence. If they're fine with it, great, if they're not, bye bye.
Dani said "you can't forget family" earlier. Frankly, yes, you can.
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 31, 2019, 08:55:26 PM
I cannot expect a male friend to treat me the same as a woman, that makes sense.
Chrissy
More men have been accepting of me than women, actually.
While I've lost female friends, partly because a few of them had been interested in me, I haven't lost any guy friends. I guess I'm lucky in that regard, yet I had the same fears as you. I still have them.
My guy friends, mostly cis-het dudes, have been curious, respectful, and supportive.
Give people a chance. If they can't accept you for you, or if they're having trouble grasping it, that's okay. One day we're all going to be alone; basing our happiness on the validation of others only goes so far.
- Chantal