Hi Girls,
This is a farewell letter from my old self. In less than 72 hours, I will lie down on an operation table, will be put to sleep and hopefully wake up a few hours later from what will seem like a 9-month profound trance. The soul will be the same, the vessel not so much, but it will finally become a more faithful reflection of the essence of my soul. I would gladly correct Mother Nature's mistake to the chromosome level, if I could... I would gladly go back in time, up to that elusive moment when the dice were awkwardly thrown, leaving me to deal with this life-tearing dissonance between mind and body. This was unfair from the very beginning, but who said that Nature is fair? The strong lion kills the cute gazelle without mercy. The earthquake annihilates thousands without second thoughts. The innocent toddler falls prey to a deadly virus. And I? I was born a girl inside a boy's body. I am sure there's an explanation, but I never found a justification. I blame it on Nature. But truth be told - I never heard Nature laughing at me, she (Nature has to be a she, right?) never ridiculed me, she never told me how invalid I was. No. She remained indifferent. It was many of my peers who took on that role. Fustigating, condemning, correcting.
In a sense, my transition is unnatural. But it remains the natural answer to suffering. It is simply the deeply ingrained instinct of self-protection, of self-nurturing, trying to cope with the profoundly prejudiced perceptions and ignorance of society at large. We, transgender persons, felt victim to misperceptions, we became entangled in a web from which there can only be a partial escape. I will forever carry this ball and chain. It's just that now it will become much lighter.
This night will be the last night that the old version of me will spend at home. Tomorrow I will wake-up at 5:00, I will go to work for a 24-hour shift... It will be the last shift that the old version of me will ever do. Then, the day after tomorrow, I will checkout from work at 9:00 and will be directly driven to the hospital where I am being operated. I will undergo a series of preparations, which include shaving of the relevant areas, intestinal cleansing and just trying to relax. On Wednesday, early in the morning, I'll get a peripheral venous access and will be given a light sedative. I will have a small talk with the anesthesiologist, my plastic surgeon will say good morning and he will comfort me and tell me that everything will be fine. I'll be taken to the operating room and will be placed on the operation table. They will then give me medication and continuously talk to me... And then, nothing. Blackout.
I'll wake up in the afternoon in the recovery room, a bit confused but confident that "It's done. There is now a vagina down there. And... Oh... Are those my new breasts?! Not bad, girl!" And then I'll notice that I am starting to shiver as hell... "It's the remifentanil, you dummy..." I'll think to myself. "It always happens when you get the pain pump for your electrolysis. It will soon be over. But it is so, so unpleasant. I feel so cold. I can't control the shaking. I'm sure the Bair Hugger is set at its maximum, but I'll just have to be patient." And then... "Did this really happen? Am I really here? If I am, it can only mean that it was actually done. Oh my... I am a woman down there, now." And tears of joy will fill up my eyes. "It's me! It's me!" And then my surgeon will come to see me and tell me: "Sarah, all went very well, both with the vaginoplasty and the breast augmentation. We didn't encounter any significant problems and I think you will be very happy with the results." I'll take a deep breath and sigh with relief and assurance, while I think to myself: "Yes, Sarah... It's done, indeed." And then I'll smile with the most beautiful and sincere smile in my entire life.
I've been trying to rehearse this scenario in my mind. Trying to convince myself that this life-changing moment will be a smooth walk through a beautiful field of deep-scarlet poppies in mid-August. I think about the promises of happiness. About how much Sarah wants to live, how much she wants to taste that all too elusive supreme happiness. "It's gonna happen, Sarah. You're almost there. Just stay the brave woman you've always been."
I know that the post-op won't be so pretty, though... Having an urinary catheter (for one whole week!) is not the most pleasant experience I can remember (yes, been there done that for my tummy tuck + hip liposculpture)... The pain will be annoying and the pain pump they promised me won't really make it less unpleasant, as I easily get nauseous with opiates; it will just become another kind of discomfort. And the dilations... Well, I have no idea of how they'll feel like. A bit painful at first... But also comforting? Comforting because they will be something only a woman can do (although I know you don't have to be able to do them or even to have a vagina in order to be a woman).
The migraines I'm getting since I temporarily stopped the estrogen, almost two weeks ago, are making the monster of depression awake again... I try to think positive, to look at the sunshine whenever possible (not so frequent in Belgium), to watch positive movies. At first sight, my taste for darkwave music might not appear the most cheerful, but paradoxically it has helped me to cope. I almost continuously listen to Hante, Minuit Machine, Opale, Hørd, Cocteau Twins... Even bought tickets for a show in Cologne, in September (featuring Lebanon Hanover + Box And The Twins & Hante)! Just to cheer me up... And of course, I read... A lot... In English, in French, in Dutch, in Portuguese... I just try to keep my mind busy with other things.
Yesterday, the four of us (me, wife and two teenager kids) went out to meet an old friend of mine. I hadn't seen him for almost 20 years. He was my very best friend during high school, back in Montreal. We had lost contact for many years, to my great regret... And then, a few weeks ago, he managed to find me, which is quite amazing because it's now quite difficult to track me down online using my old name (full stealth is far from my number one priority, but I now prefer to be seen as a woman since my birth, so me being transgender is something that I try not to publicize). He's now living in Brussels, a 40 minute ride from where I live! The reencounter was very emotional. He so cheerfully welcomed Sarah! It was fantastic! We ate at a pizza place and then spent a couple of hours at a café-bar in Ghent catching up. We left each other with the promise of seeing each other again! This brought me a lot of much needed endorphins, of course...
Well, girls. I guess that's it. It's been exactly 2 years and 23 days since the moment I decided to transition. Much has been done in a much shorter timeframe than I had initially anticipated. I'll soon publish a timeline with some pics and comments, but I feel that I am now pretty much approaching the final line. From then on, I will be simply remaining at cruise speed, navigating the beautiful river of womanhood in all its richness and colours.
I'll leave with a pic of me, from yesterday evening, as well as a link to a tune that I love to listen to (https://youtu.be/ve00Fv7eALo)...
Love you all!
Warm hugs, Sarah(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190317/bf68d304279b933da1fc432b27bac7f5.jpg)
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:-*
Sweet dreams and safe surgery
Sarah
Such a beautiful post. So inspiring. I hope to follow you within the next 6 months. My journey has been much longer than yours but it takes just as long as it takes,
Safe travels
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Quote from: Cindy on March 17, 2019, 05:35:59 AM
:-*
Sweet dreams and safe surgery
Thank you, Cindy! I'll try to stay zen for the upcoming few days, although it feels like an eternity. Sarah [emoji8]
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Quote from: Gerri on March 17, 2019, 05:45:36 AM
Sarah
Such a beautiful post. So inspiring. I hope to follow you within the next 6 months. My journey has been much longer than yours but it takes just as long as it takes,
Safe travels
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Thank you Gerri! It really is a very exciting moment and you'll see that those 6 months will fly in no time! Stay strong, girl! Sarah [emoji8]
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Hi Sarah,
Best of luck!
Marion
Quote from: Maid Marion on March 17, 2019, 06:21:19 AM
Hi Sarah,
Best of luck!
Marion
Thank you Maid Marion! [emoji8]
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Hi Sarah,
So beautifully worded. Yes the pain will be unpleasant - perhaps worse in moments - but the emotional and psychological validation you experience will surely assist it to pass. Remember the pain is a sign of your bravery and willingness to set aside a lifetime of hiding, doubting, and depression - physical pain represents your courage and determination to overcome.
My (and I'm sure all our) thoughts are with you.
Si xx
Good for you Sarah! I'm so glad for your transition, remembering well when you first arrived to talk about fear of going out femme.
Congratulations on getting to this big day ❤️❤️
S
Good luck on your surgery, Sarah! You will wake up 100% you.
Quote from: Sienna Grace on March 17, 2019, 06:58:25 AM
Hi Sarah,
So beautifully worded. Yes the pain will be unpleasant - perhaps worse in moments - but the emotional and psychological validation you experience will surely assist it to pass. Remember the pain is a sign of your bravery and willingness to set aside a lifetime of hiding, doubting, and depression - physical pain represents your courage and determination to overcome.
My (and I'm sure all our) thoughts are with you.
Si xx
Thank you Sienna! Your words are reassuring. [emoji4] It's from the indefinite unknown that I am fearful, more than from the actual physical pain. And it's the right kind of fear... I guess it's part of the magic. This is much more than just a physical change. It's a transcental and almost mystical experience... I almost hear the chant of all the generations of women since the beginning of humanity echoing in my head, encouraging me...
Big hug, Sarah [emoji173]
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Quote from: SadieBlake on March 17, 2019, 07:08:36 AM
Good for you Sarah! I'm so glad for your transition, remembering well when you first arrived to talk about fear of going out femme.
Congratulations on getting to this big day [emoji3590][emoji3590]
S
Thank you Sadie!
I am so grateful for all the encouragement I got from you and all our sisters. What I am about to undergo feels so right that I now realize how foolish it would have been to take the alternate path to misery and eventual self-destruction. My advice to our sisters: if you feel the call, deep inside you'll know it. And if you know it, don't give up on following it. The path is rough but the rewards are sweet.
Warm hugs, Sarah [emoji173]
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Quote from: KathyLauren on March 17, 2019, 07:10:22 AM
Good luck on your surgery, Sarah! You will wake up 100% you.
Thank you Kathy! Thank for being there for so many of us, for your gentle words, for your encouragement... Indeed, I feel that this will become the last piece in a big and difficult jigsaw!
Hugs, Sarah [emoji173]
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I remember many nights as a child wishing that I would wake up a girl.
Congrats on your wish coming true and best of luck to you.
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Quote from: TonyaW on March 17, 2019, 09:28:41 AM
I remember many nights as a child wishing that I would wake up a girl.
Congrats on your wish coming true a best of luck to you.
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Oh my, Tonya! You just brought me some memories! I too, still as a 6 year-old kid, clearly remember daydreaming about waking up as a girl and I found it so unfair that it didn't happen... I am now an agnostic atheist, but I remember praying to god to concede me that only wish. God or no god, it appears that my wish is about to be granted...
Thank you for your words!
Hugs, Sarah [emoji173]
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All my best to you Sarah. I remember your initial posts and now, here you are. Before long this time will all be a distant dream and you will be living fully as you were meant to be.
Hugs, Judi
Well I wish it all goes well and the pain pump can run at a lower setting. Best Wishes XXXXX
Sarah!!!
All Good Things To You Precious Sister!!!... It is an amazing experience to go through... enjoy every moment... Amazing Discoveries Await You!!!!
Onward we go bold traveler!!!
Ashley 💕🌻🙋♀️
Sarah
Wishing you all the very best for a smooth and successful recovery. Soon you will be as you should always have been. Loved your update. So very happy for you.
Safe travels
Aisla
Hi Sarah,
I wish you the best with your surgery, I hope everything goes smoothly and look forward to hearing back from you once you are recovered. :icon_bunch:
Best wishes!
Sonja.
Sarah, that was beautifully written. Now go, and be Sarah!
"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself." – Rumi
Be well,
Michelle_P
Hi girls!
First of all, thank you to all of you who wished me good luck and to whom I did not personally answered! You are fantastic!
Second: it's done! And it went pretty much how I rehearsed it! Both the vaginoplasty (peritoneal pull-through technique) and the BA went very well. Today, after 5 days, my surgeon removed the prosthesis from the neovagina and now I must dilate 4 times a day ×1 hour and also the full night. Bladder catheter will be removed tomorrow. The manipulation of the neovagina was not painful at all, but very sensitive; certainly not unpleasant. [emoji39] I am also very pleased with my breasts, although they are still swollen; they only hurt a little bit when I use my arms. Thus, so far, a very positive experience!
I'll keep you posted!
Warm hugs, Sarah
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I am so glad to hear that things went how you wanted it to. And happy for you that you're happy. I'll always elated to hear someone move forward in pursuit of self.
I couldn't read your first post though, I trigger on emotionally charged posts about 'change' :(
Your first post in this thread was beautiful and so are you. You have the heart of a poet. I wanted to wish you luck but since I'm late I'll say congratulations! For what its worth catheters are much less awful then they seem. At least if you've had to deal with them enough.
We share the same problem with narcotics. I found that pepto bismol helps. The part about narcotics that I've never found a solution to was itching everywhere! I will just add that if you stay ahead of pain (With Narcotics) is better then being in pain and putting them off.
Sarah
I am so happy for you. Hoping that the rest of your recovery is just as smooth and just as uneventful.
Safe travels
Aisla
Congratulations and happy that all is going well for you.
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Congratulations, Sarah! I hope your recovery is quick and uneventful.
Hi Sarah,
Congratulations! Wishing you a quick recovery!
Marion
Hi Sarah,
Really pleased your op went well for you and you are back safe to us all, I hope your recovery continues to go well.
Take care,
Sonja.
Sarah, I hope the healing and... um... self-care drill... are continuing to go well.
I still recall how easily I got tired at this point. After two months, I felt much better. After a year and a half, woohoo! ;)
Sorry Sarah I'm late to the party. Congratulations and I hope all is going well with you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on March 25, 2019, 07:21:33 AM
Hi girls!
First of all, thank you to all of you who wished me good luck and to whom I did not personally answered! You are fantastic!
Second: it's done! And it went pretty much how I rehearsed it! Both the vaginoplasty (peritoneal pull-through technique) and the BA went very well. Today, after 5 days, my surgeon removed the prosthesis from the neovagina and now I must dilate 4 times a day ×1 hour and also the full night. Bladder catheter will be removed tomorrow. The manipulation of the neovagina was not painful at all, but very sensitive; certainly not unpleasant. [emoji39] I am also very pleased with my breasts, although they are still swollen; they only hurt a little bit when I use my arms. Thus, so far, a very positive experience!
I'll keep you posted!
Warm hugs, Sarah
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I missed this and wanted to say Congratulation and glad to hear it all went well....you won't know yourself with alol your knew bits and pieces :D
Take care
Liz