Audio version of this thread (so far): https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/sets/eryns-transition-diary-blog (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/sets/eryns-transition-diary-blog)
So, I noticed new blogs are not being accepted on the board; and I probably won't be able to fill a daily blog anyway, but I really wanted to share my first 3 weeks adjusting to the real me. Please excuse the formatting, this was originally a series of tweets. I had to actually change my name/profile and graphic on Twitter because it had my real name. Which, funny coincidence, is actually a gender neutral name, but I always found Eryn a cute and cool name, too!
This is not meant to be a guide, this is just my journey or the first 3 weeks of it.
1. Be miserable / hate yourself for almost 30 years
Looking back, it really just all makes sense now. I have always been the shy person that wants to be included, but would hide in the bathroom/outside at social gatherings. I never got along with boys very well, but never felt like I should approach girls, either.
Growing-up my favorite cookie-cutter cartoon plot episodes were those ones where people swapped bodies or genders. I just found them so darn fun and interesting to explore. I must have been truly unable to see myself for missing this clue and a couple other HUGE ones coming!
When puberty hit me, I lost all control. I was the guy in his room masturbating for hours on end every day- and that sort of became a habit. I have the abrasive scars to prove how furious I did this. It made me so depressed, I almost tried to cut off my own member.
I would occasionally dream of scenarios where I was transformed into a woman for both lewd and non-lewd reasons. I also had frequent dreams of being like trapped under a glass pane, screaming at the top of my lungs but unable to make a sound.
I had a brother, er, sister, who I looked-up to and emulated most of my life without understanding her gender dysphoria. Much of my life resembles hers, and if not for the growing community of trans people who teach one another, I would have ended up the same way as her.
I've always been slender, unable to 'bulk-up' and I just felt like less of a person than what others expect me to be because of it. Teased about my girly wrists or the way I sat. I used to say the only thing keeping me from being a woman is my damn penis. What a red flag!
I'm a romantic, but always felt a disconnect between emotional and physical love. I felt like, it didn't matter the gender of who I fell in love with, and for a long time reasoned that I must have been gay. BUT I wasn't sexually attracted to masculinity, at least not yet...
2. "Open-up" your feminine side
In the past, I had made attempts to anally pleasure myself and it usually ended in disaster! Once I was married, I was so turned-off by the thought that my wife would tap my anus just to see my back arch and I completely flip out. A few months ago, I got an "itch" um inside.
This feeling, I couldn't ignore for long. Maybe I was just doing something wrong in the past. Same story, lots of pain, nothing pleasurable... but then I tried a back-and-forth motion with my tool of choice. It was absolutely INCREDIBLE!
Things escalated and I went bigger. I started moaning(when I was usually quiet) and endeavored to moan "like a girl." Then I even tried to say phrases that a girl would in a similar situation. Pleasure and lust makes you say some EMBARRASSING things! lol
3. Lots and lots of research
I wanted to be more girly, though. And I set-up a series of trials for myself, the first being my voice. I found posts on susans dot org and amateur video help on youtube with: (go to tweet/signature to view video) ... (go to tweet/signature to view video) ... I can't find the 3rd video anymore...
Research is going to be an on-going thing, as I am constantly doing it. I was so lazy as a man, and there's so much to take in when trying to become a woman. But this was the "ultimatum" for me: If I can't sound female, then that will be the end of this path for me.
4. Practicing with voice
This first couple of days were absolutely brutal, and I abuse the heck of my body. Thank goodness it's so resilient! I started with the more 'dangerous' method, of swallowing and holding my larynx(adams apple) as high as I could. Practically did this all day, everyday.
Whatever I was doing seemed to be working slightly, and it pushed me further! But it also made me need to blow my nose every 15 minutes, and constantly have mucus all throughout my throat, yuck! I was willing to bear that, but am so glad it seems to be completely behind me.
I don't work with co-workers, so I had plenty of time to practice. I would use stream-of-consciousness, read things out load, and of course, sing like crazy. The funny thing is, all this exercise for my throat improved my male singing significantly as well!
It has been said that you really need to hear yourself, and I made sure to record myself and listen and adapt or adjust, too. A few times, it actually felt like I had 'lost it' but I'm definitely not worried of that at the moment. Disney songs are my go-to for this!
5. Daily mannerisms
I kind of do things a bit girly sometimes already, just without thinking, but the biggest noteworthy thing is the general demeanor of women. Women are less obtrusive than men, and often reserved (until they want to flaunt it!) More considerate of others' feelings or emotions.
The other major thing is the beautiful, fluid way of doing that I admire so much. Men are stiff, cumbersome, and 'solid.' While women tend to be graceful, precise, and flowing. It's not really about flailing your limp wrists around and over-exaggerating to everything either.
One other thing is that it seems, more than men, women use hand gestures when speaking, as well. This was an easy thing to pick-up on, and really fun to do sometimes, too! Honestly, besides the philosophy, I feel like general feminine mannerisms just came naturally to me.
6. Um...shaving, yeah
Truth be told, I have actually shaved my butt/junk in the past, but never my legs(the beast!) This was a very disheartening first experience for me. The time investment, the resources wasted, and the end result. All was like some horrible nightmare to get so far only to fail.
I used a simple disposal woman's razor before, and decided to try and use my trusty electric trimmer that I've had for years. The hair actually came off! It was just too long for any razor to deal with! And while it was certainly a hack-job, it filled me with hope.
Since then I have shaved twice. The first with the remaining disposable razor, and the second, with a remover cream. I think I'm just the absolute worst at doing things, but the cream didn't seem to work, took even longer than shaving, and was a way harsher mess to deal with.
In addition to the cream, I tried using wax strips on my face the same night. It didn't hurt as much as I was expecting, but it also wasn't effective at all. I saw maybe 3 hairs on the strip, and i tried warming-up that sucker for like 5 minutes, GAH!
7. The 'possibly' calorie deficient diet
I don't recommend doing what I'm about to say. So, without HRT, I was looking at methods to increase estrogen in my body a bit more. And like with most things, I drive right off the cliff into whatever I'm doing- the only changes I can ever seem to make are drastic ones!
Research again. So, stay away from grapefruit is the gist of what I got, and it seemed like taking out meats and other stuff to reduce T, and to increase E it was flax seeds, dried fruits, strawberries, and soy. Some information out there seemed to contradict each other tho.
Before I would usually eat a burrito from #Chipotle with soda, in fact, I think 95% of all liquids I've ever drank in my life have been soda. Know what that means? Yup! Cold turkey that >-bleeped-<! I drink only water now. No calories, and it helps me feel 'full' sometimes. (I OMITTED THE REST OF #7 BECAUSE I THINK IT WOULD BREAK THE TOS FOR SUSANS AND I <33333 YOU ALL! - to view it can check tweet/signature)
8. Workout routine
So, since no HRT(yet!) I am constantly trying to discover methods of getting a more feminine body. For me, the most defining feature of 'femininity' is in those hips, baby! And men are notoriously flat in that department- which is something I'd like to change!
People suggested squats, but I wanted a full-on workout! (I never exercise!) And I found this website called spotebi dot com , it may not be the best thing out there, but I definitely enjoy and feel like it's really working! I ONLY do the Butt Circuit, every other day.
9. Pampering oneself
Or a beauty regime, in general. As a man, I would shower....wait when did I shower? Don't worry, I shower everyday now. Nice and clean! But I don't wash my hair every day, cause from what I remember it can remove the natural oils- so, every other day, again.
For me, I think make-up is going to be the biggest hurdle of them all. I don't really have the means to 'play around' with lots of different product right now. So, all I've mostly done is shape/trim my eyebrows and attempted to use 2 kinds of brow pens.
Excluding make-up, this is why men complain that women spend all their money, but aren't they so beautiful? Ahhh~ Anyway, I also use a cleanser, scrub, body moisturizer, and something called Tendskin for both all my awful shaving ventures and acne, too!
As a man, I never really took care of myself, it's a wonder I'm still standing! So many toes and fingernails are in some much needed maintenance. Recently, I got a pedicure(it was magical!) and soon, I am trying to get a manicure. I plan to do the upkeep myself afterward.
10. Reaching out to the community
So, I at first fooled myself into thinking, maybe I will just keep this to myself and be "openly" trans between 2 and 6am each day, basically only long enough to follow my general routine / regime LOL But it is necessary, I feel, to have others that support you, too.
Early on, I was debating whether I'd go for HRT or not, and that lasted all but seriously like 10 minutes! LOL I was turned down by one clinic, and realized that I basically need a shrink to diagnose me so I can be put on HRT first.
I had thought about therapy before, but there was always a stigma around it. Now, I just can't wait to have someone I can actually outpour everything that I've been holding inside for so damn long! It's like a purifying flood, eroding the masculine, filled with the feminine.
Gaming is how I connect with people. I want to be a designer(and am currently designing!) and games were always what supported my relationships. Comradery with my passed sister, and I even met my wife while playing online! But I'm far too busy to play games these days!
Except it's not about being too busy, but about making time for things you really want to do. Prior to my realization I was trans, I was going to make a let's play channel to reconnect with games as a gamer. And it just seems like a fantastic idea! I'm so excited to do it!
If you read through this whole mess, you're a real sweet heart! *kisses*
Well Eryn 🙋♀️ you have just created your journal here at Susan's place. Save this thread of yours as a bookmark and return to it to post any updates. Others will be able to chime in with comments and make it a place where they can learn to know about you as you start and proceed on your life's path.
Hugs and smiles, Jessica 💁♀️
@Eryn T I see that you were already welcomed to Susan's Place by
@KathyLauren after your very first post on April 29th on the Introductions Forums. I also see that you have been busy on the Forums posting on various topics and threads. Susan's Place is a great place for you to explore your feelings and questions.
Your posting here is well thought out and is a wonderful treatise about being a trans.
In your time on the various Forums and also now here on your "journal" thread you can continue to share with others and hear their stories and you tell yours. You will undoubtedly find that you will make friends here as well.
Please continue to be involved at your own pace. .
Back on your Introduction Posting on April 29th you were sent an Official Welcome message that included important
LINKS that gives you information about how to utilized the Susan's Place site as well as the rules that you will need to know.
For your convenience and a reminder I am now including those
LINKS below on my message... as follows:
Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
When I read some of these posts by people early in their transition, I have to say I find it a bit confronting - and I say that with no judgement.
I guess I might have been similarly attracted to superficial aspects of being female when I was early in transition(?), but to be honest, your experience of being a woman, and a transgender woman, is worlds apart from mine.
I believe everyone has autonomy over their own identity. However... I don't agree with her principles, but I also kind of get what Germaine Greer is saying when she talks about some transwomen having no comprehension of what it's like to live as a woman in society.
I have the privilege of living stealth in some parts of my life. Being a woman to me is not about 'girly' behaviours and makeup and demure deferential mannerisms. Heck you can have those stereotypes without the trauma of transition. It's about dealing with all the good and bad experiences that comes with being accepted by all of society as a woman. It means the frustration of being spoken over in meetings by men, having an opinion that's perceived as less valuable, and getting paid less for the same work. It means living with the constant threat of sexual harassment and assault, and a body that men treat as a possession. It comes with a shared bond of trust with other women and the mutual fight for reproductive rights. It means having a broader emotional experience of life. It also comes with a hormonal maternalistic connection to life and nature, generally speaking. It's a blessing seeing the world with estrogenic vibrancy and colour.
My womanhood is not defined by "pampering regimes", moaning during sex the way porn performers do, dieting for a slender figure, or being deferential to men. To be blunt, I almost find those suggestions a bit reductive.
Similarly, being transgender to me is not about getting in touch with my frilly side. It's about thousands of hours hours spent in courtrooms, protests, or law reform conferences fighting for equal rights. It's about the terror of rejection or even violence when telling a wonderful guy I'm attracted to after the fifth date that I am trans. It's about hugely invasive surgeries that involved having my face removed and my skull reshaped. It's about the painful year long recovery from SRS, and sobbing my way through hundreds of hours of electrolysis. It's about the terror of sending an email to 1,000 business associates notifying them of my name and gender change. It's about a part of my life (transition) when I was visibly between genders, that I would probably rather just forget about. It's about a lifelong shared bond with other women who moved through that journey alongside me - and some men we met on that road travelling the opposite direction.
I know other transwomen have a different experience again. Those who transition later in life often don't get as much passing privilege and deal with the full brunt of social marginalisation, discrimination, abuse, and violence just because they are visibly trans. Non-binary trans femmes have a whole different experience again.
I guess my point is that our experiences of womanhood, and our experiences of being transgender, are so diverse that sometimes they actually have very little in common. Apart from your comments about dysphoria and being picked on for being an effeminate boy, there is actually not much of your story that I can relate to. I don't think that undermines the validity of either of our identities, I guess it just shows how diverse the transgender community is.
If you get the opportunity to sit with some female colleagues or friends and talk about their experiences of being female, I think there is lots of opportunities to learn more about the typical female biological and social experience. So many of us transwomen only learn about the female gender through the harmful lens of toxic masculinity. Feminism has a lot to offer.
All the best for your journey, wherever it may lead you.
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-2-may-1st-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-2-may-1st-2018)
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
When I read some of these posts by people early in their transition, I have to say I find it a bit confronting - and I say that with no judgement.
I hear ya, Claire. I do apologize if it does seem like I'm pushing my own view of what feminine actually is. I clearly do not know, I've only even explored these feelings very recently and I thank you for your critical and constructive reply!
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I guess I might have been similarly attracted to superficial aspects of being female when I was early in transition(?), but to be honest, your experience of being a woman, and a transgender woman, is worlds apart from mine.
Right now, I can barely consider myself a woman. And I understand that everyone's lives are different.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I believe everyone has autonomy over their own identity. I don't agree with her, but I also kind of get what Germaine Greer is saying when she talks about some transwomen having no comprehension of what it's like to live as a woman in society.
Completely agree! It's like anything looking at it from the outside only. No woman in my life has truly opened-up to me about these things, so now I'm slowly starting to get this information from members of Susans. In fact, most of the time women will kind of talk down to me as just being a dumb guy. Kind of the stereotype projected in media and furthered by such characters as like Homer of the Simpsons, or Peter Griffin of Family Guy. Prior to my 'change' I had very strong views that aligned with the Red Pill movement. I do think that has something to do with why I am trans, too. I envied women, but I never saw the ugly side of being a woman- and that IS something I will face someday but I hope that by learning from people on here and sharing my own stories, I won't be as devastated as I might have been otherwise.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I have the privilege of living stealth in some parts of my life. Being a woman to me is not about 'girly' behaviours and makeup and demure deferential mannerisms. Heck you can have those stereotypes without the trauma of transition. It's about dealing with all the good and bad experiences that comes with being accepted by all of society as a woman. It means the frustration of being spoken over in meetings by men, having an opinion that's perceived as less valuable, and getting paid less for the same work. It means living with the constant threat of sexual harassment and assault. It comes with a shared bond of trust with other women. It means having a broader emotional experience of life. It also comes with a hormonal maternalistic connection to life and nature, generally speaking.
I want that connection. All my life, I've wanted to talk to people to connect with them to be supportive of them, and I never felt like I was good enough to do so or didn't know how. That's why I connected with people through video games, and why I want to make games. To share myself(my thoughts and feelings) with others in a way that's interactive. And I remember about women backing down or being talked over at meeting, I read that in an article once, but like you said, my experience is totally different. I'm usually the one being talked over or down to by women; most would see that and be like, "Well, man-up!" but y'see, I just can't and I think it makes sense why now.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
My womanhood is not defined by "pampering regimes", moaning during sex the way porn performers do, dieting for a slender figure, or being deferential to men. To be blunt, I almost find those suggestions a bit reductive.
I can see why, but for me, if I am not doing that, what is left for me feminize myself? Perhaps I will find those answers here on Susans. I mean, they are reductive, but those are just some of the things I find enjoyable. I would say my greatest joy has been walking up-right, correcting my posture after so so long. That, is yet, another reductive way of looking at it, but even aside from the things I think are 'girly' this process has helped me better myself regardless of gender.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
Similarly, being transgender to me is not about getting in touch with my frilly side. It's about thousands of hours hours spent in courtrooms, protests, or law reform conferences fighting for equal rights. It's about the terror of rejection or even violence when telling a guy I'm attracted to after the fifth date that I am trans. It's about hugely invasive surgeries that involved having my face removed and my skull reshaped. It's about the painful year long recovery from SRS, and sobbing my way through hundreds of hours of electrolysis. It's about the terror of sending an email to 1,000 business associates notifying them of my name and gender change. It's about a part of my life (transition) when I was visibly between genders, that I would probably rather just forget about. It's about a lifelong shared bond with others who moved through that journey alongside me.
That is something, I know many of you have gone through. And you're right, I would not have the strength to go through. If I were faced with such hardships I would have backed down at this opportunity for myself. I am very upset that you had to endure such things; and I may have to endure some of it down the road, we will see. Even so, all that can be done is taking it one day at a time. I may not have mentioned it in this thread, but my situation is very unique and if I had a job that wasn't open to trans people or was in an environment where I was relied upon as a man- then I couldn't go through with it. It's not what's best for me, but I guess I'm a coward in that sense.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I know other transwomen have a different experience again. Those who transition later in life often don't get as much passing privilege and deal with the full brunt of social marginalisation, discrimination, abuse, and violence just because they are visibly trans.
I agree. But for me, it's not just transwomen, but all people. When I was younger I was very critical and vain about everything and still am in many ways, but it's something I've been trying to fight, because if I just think critically about someone's outward appearance, then I can't see what's important inside. When I first saw 'friends' I had in online games pictures, I was a bit surprised. I lost a few loves when I was younger because of this hyper-critical nature. I even once told someone that I love very deeply that I don't think they look human. And what good has that done? Even coming to Susans, I at first felt that creeping critical self rising, but pushed it back and when I got to talking to people now, it doesn't even matter. I tend to get side-tracked, too, but when I was really young, I actively bullied people in school over their looks; then it was divine retribution when I had to get glasses and got acne.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I guess my point is that our experiences of womanhood, and our experiences of being transgender, are so diverse that sometimes they actually have very little in common. Apart from your comments about dysphoria and being picked on for being an effeminate boy, there is actually not much of your story that I can relate to. I don't think that undermines the validity of either of our identities, I guess it just shows how diverse the transgender community is.
I understand, and that, I think, is why I feel blessed. I do not think I actually suffered any dysphoria until recently, but maybe it was there and I just didn't know it. I also wasn't teased as much cause no one ever approaches me, and I don't approach them. And my family was in full support of my late sister who actually did suffer from dysphoria. While both of us are similar in many ways, even our views of femininity differed somewhat.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
If you get the opportunity to sit with some female colleagues or friends and talk about their experiences of being female, I think there is lots of opportunities to learn more about the typical female experience. So many of us transwomen only learn about the female gender role through the harmful lens of toxic masculinity. Feminism has a lot to offer.
I would really like that. I've also seen quite toxic forms of feminism, too. I don't think any mode of thinking is without flaws, even being open to all forms can often lead to not really being a proponent of any; and I think that's something I do stuggle with daily. I remember my grandfather told me my name is some Hebrew proverb meant the defender of mankind, I think that meant a lot to me, so I've always tried to be a bridge between ideals. This has led to losing friends and loved ones in the past, due to my rather blunt impartiality.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
All the best for your journey, wherever it may lead you.
Thank you! That means a lot, and while it may seem like I was upset about anything you've said, quite the contrary! I love learning, and you've taught me a great deal. Sometimes people just need reality checks, y'know? I do tend to get carried away sometimes or always.
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-3-may-4th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-3-may-4th-2018)
Not much in the ways of progress :( I do think my singing voice has started to smooth out, but I was never a very good singer in the first place....
Anyway, i've basically hit a wall with makeup. My eyebrows are definitely not 'on fleek' but they're okay, the biggest hurdle right now is foundation. Once I get that down, I'll try contouring, and go from there.
But something I have progressed a little in is I finally sat down and recorded the first session of my let's play! I discovered im super >-bleeped-< at some video games(or just rusty) as well as not the best at stream-of-consciousness, but have to start somewhere.
I will be seeing my behavioral therapist for the first time(and my first time ever in that environment) next Thursday. I was hoping to have this whole makeup thing down by then, cause I've only ever used my 'feminine' voice on the phone....aaaaaawkwaaaard.
I also had been looking for places to get my makeup semi-professionally done in that area, but leads not so good. Had a hit on Thumbtack.com but then after they messaged me, they just stopped. I tried calling and messaging them, but they never replied for over a week. And I reposted my request on Thumbtack, this time it turned-up 0 matches.
I also made a thread in the Beauty > Makeup section that hasn't given me a whole lot to go off of. This was after browsing the first 8 pages or so of the forum and trying to learn myself(and also checking out the video that Jessica so graciously provided in my intro thread <3) but I'm still struggling with foundation. And I was pretty sure I have super oily skin, but according to one of the replies in that thread I have dry skin. So now I'm really confused. Lots of trial and error I guess. ho-hum
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-4-may-6th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-4-may-6th-2018)
Still going around in circles with this whole capture thing...so much additional nonsense required. I just pray that it works eventually.
I bought an off-brand Nubra and a bra that may or may not fit me(I didn't really have the luxury of trying it on) but hoping to start wearing it under my clothes starting Monday.
It's now less than 5 days away from my first appointment with a therapist; it'll also be the first time that I tell another soul face-to-face that I'm transgender. I'm pretty nervous, but really excited.
I'm most sad that I can't seem to figure out how to deal with my foundation issue. Maybe I'll try putting on contour/highlight/blush without covering my shadow first....maybe - I just really don't understand why it isn't working. I had hoped to be able to do my makeup well enough before meeting with the therapist.
I don't want to use my old voice around her, but I don't want to speak in my real voice while looking like this:
(https://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/0/59060-060518030439.png)
The best thing really to have happened lately was the transgender friend I made on Twitter, who said my blog-posty-thingie really helped them, and my own guardian angel here on Susan's who coincidentally calls me THEIR guardian angel. Besides those two wonderful souls, I feel very alone. I have no friends in real life, and I can't confide in my wife about this yet, either. I've been getting lots of great knowledge and second-hand(or third?) experience by people here on Susans, but maybe I'm not able to contribute to the conversations very well because I'm such a newbie to all this.
I want to help others, but I lack the skill, knowledge, or experience to do so. But I feel like as long as I can continue to remain friendly with those two who look out for me, then I'll be okay.
I find this thread really useful and inspiring and I will return to it. Some of your experiences make me think "I've been there", too.
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-5-may-9th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-5-may-9th-2018)
rewriting my post because Google chrome crashed my whole computer; so even though I Ctrl+A, Ctrl+C...it was still lost
Thanks, Mary! Yeah, I'm pretty new to everything so I'm guessing I will be tripping over my heels as I walk down this path that so many of you have already traveled. But hopefully, I will come out stronger because of all the great information available here at Susans!
So, trying to remember how I said all this before, I'm kinda a scatterbrains sometimes.
I'm really trying to transition socially and physically like uh yesterday! lol But as I learned today(and many of the things I've done) it's all about time and growth, even if you do jump head first into it(as I often do!)
I work alot, like alot, and luckily for my job, I have no co-workers. But I am often in places where people approach me, so seemed like a good opportunity to test the waters as it were. I think the thing I love the most about myself right now is my real voice, and I often find myself singing in the car, saying things aloud at work, or singing along to the loudspeakers. But when I am approached or stopped by other people I have to snap back into my old voice and I hate doing that. But I just wasn't comfortable speaking in my real voice while looking the way I do.
So today(and from now on) I want to take some measures to feminize my outward appearance, so I don't feel obligated to snap into a masculine voice when addressed. Since makeup is on hold right now, partly because I may have damaged my skin due to over-exfoliation and partly because I still can't get foundation to look half-decent and I mean, foundation is THE foundation, yeah?
Anyway, so instead of putting on makeup, the best I can do is wear a sick mask. And I also got a NuBra look-a-like that I wore with an A36 bra on top of it. Now, this was like the smallest bra I could find(I did at one point try to measure myself, but forgot to write it down and then the department was so chaotic anyway, that I just didn't make a good decision with it; but I made an alright one) And even though it's so small, they look incredibly massive on me and I don't know why, perhaps because I have only wore a bra exactly 1 day in my whole life- and that was today.
So today I wore the mask and bra combo to work, which involved about 4.5 hours at a drug store and 5 hours at a grocery store. I think the mask helped to keep people away, but despite that I was still approached a handful of times. 3 choice encounters to sum up the day, though.
1-There was this old man that insisted I must know where a certain medication is(I never heard of the brand). I actually talked to him for quite away, trying to guide him in a general direction, he never addressed me as sir or ma'am.
2-This really forceful guy yelled "Sir!" at me, and I turned and explained to him that I am not an employee, but if he needs help there's a lady in the next aisle helping someone currently. He didn't call me "sir" a second time, nor ma'am. He did seem somewhat confused. I don't know if by my voice or that I'm not an employee.
3-Small victory here. This foreign guy approached me, calling me "sir" and started asking questions. I apologized and explained that I can't help them, but the employees from behind the pharmacy can direct him. And he apologized, then addressed me as "ma'am" *squeeee!* Oh, it made my heart leap for joy! I mean, I thought it might, but I was never sure how it'd feel.
Also, I tend to reach up high for my work, and found that because there is no under-boob to catch this bra, it would often slide upward so I would have to readjust it a few times throughout the day. Which brought me to another step, that I don't think I accomplished (this time). I could only really adjust in the bathroom. Luckily for me, the drug store bathrooms are 1-person only, and the grocery store I just got lucky I guess since it was so late. I wanted to enter the women's, but I wasn't confident in my overall appearance, though I had a massive(or what looked/felt massive, to me) rack- I still went into the mens. Which was pretty nerve-wracking in and of itself because it'd be awkward walking out of the mens with my boobz.
But overall, it was really nice to not have to speak in a masculine way to people. Though I get the feeling I'm much more built like a man, than I thought, despite the way I squat, sit, stand, and walk, or do general shopping-like behavior. While I was at the grocery store, I bought a small eye shadow kit and I intend to watch several more tutorials specifically for eye shadow, so that while I'm still resorting to this sick mask, my eyes can at least appear feminine. I just hadn't worked on that part of my makeup yet because I have yet to come out about everything to my wife. But I do intend on wearing the bra and mask combo with eye shadow(and maybe mascara) and then transition into full makeup without the mask, but keep the bra.
I am also going to finally have my first therapy session tomorrow! It feels like it's been forever coming. I originally called them about 1 week after I first had transgender thoughts, and had to reschedule due to financial reasons. When I called them, I had barely begun my journey, all I had done at that point was exercise once, shave once, and practice my voice.
I have no idea what she's gonna say, or where I should begin, but I think it will all work out...hopefully
OH where, OH where will Eryn's next adventure take her?
Wow Eryn - I am a little inspired by you partially presenting as female in public already - that is one of my last steps. I take the smallest unintentional slights too personally still - not sure I could do that right now and not have possible disappointments derail me. Therefore, I am holding off on all of that until I have acquired a higher level of confidence.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Alyssa
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-6-may-9th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-6-may-9th-2018)
Thanks, Alyssa!
Yeah, I was a bit surprised myself. Especially seeing around here where many ladies are in terms of being out and about. But there's lots of caveats to my particular situation that help tremendously, like not having co-workers, and using the mask, you really can't tell what gender I am from face alone- so it's like cheating.
And I mean, if I were talking to someone for more than 5 minutes, they might have started to get suspicious, but due to these initial reactions I now endeavor to not only walk like a woman, but stand like one, too. And I may not be doing that right either, but that's what I spent a good amount of time doing at the grocery store when I was there. Mostly involved kinda arching the ball of my foot backwards on one side, and 'resting' my butt on the thigh of the other.
And these are things that I feel like are important, but we may not realize(or at least I didn't) you can't just walk like a woman, then stand like a man, or crouch like a woman, but them grab something like a man- it really will take a lot of practice, but I'm so glad that my dayjob gives me that perfect opportunity to do so.
Sometimes I do get approached at certain stores by employees(ive even gotten thrown out a few stores, but not for being trans lol) what's going to be truly interesting is meeting a particular guy who I've talked to a handful of times as a man, who is always at this one superstore that is the state adjacent to where I live. Up until then, this hasn't been very risky per-say, but when I approach him with my rack and girly voice, he's gonna know exactly who I am and THAT is gonna be WEIRD.
And he apologized, then addressed me as "ma'am" *squeeee!* Oh, it made my heart leap for joy! I mean, I thought it might, but I was never sure how it'd feel.
Last Christmas I attended the Christmas Party for my support group. A lady walked across the room and told me I looked stunning. I wanted to tell her to knock off with the wine. Keep in mind I am 6'4" 220 lbs My dress was about three inches too short. I have broad shoulders, knobby knees. Doesn't matter. It felt so good to be recognized as someone I always dreamed about being. I am glad that you got to experience such a wonderful experience. Let's hope we get many more.
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-7-may-10th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-7-may-10th-2018)
Stunning? Oh, my, Dawn! Teach me your ways!
*edit* Made an Imgur account so I think I can finally post pictures? Here is the mask/bra combo I am talking about:
https://imgur.com/Y0NDUxo (https://imgur.com/Y0NDUxo)
So, today I made a lot of progress(I think), so much so that if life were a video game, I probably leveled-up to 15 and unlocked a few new abilities or something.
Day did not start out great. I had a laundry-list of things I needed to try and cram into 30 minutes, to make my first therapy appointment. One of those being working on my eye shadow. Since foundation hates me, and you can see my eyes with the mask I wear- I figured I should work on eye shadow.
But something is wrong, I really REALLY don't know what I'm doing when it comes to makeup. I didn't have any concealer, so I tried to use the highlight from my contour pad. And barely anything got on my face(dry) I was like, "Am I supposed to wet the brush?" so I tried that, still not much. Wetted even more, and there just was barely anything on my face at this point. (I did use eye primer, too) I wondered if it was something to do with the tint and my skin color, so I recklessly started trying to put in the eye shadow parts and it was the same story. I just wiped it off with my hand, there wasn't even much on my face to begin with and I had wasted enough time doing that already.
So I drove to the clinic, my appointment was at 10am, and I got there about 30 minutes early. I knew I needed to fill out some paperwork, but didn't want to sit too long waiting while wearing my mask and bra. So, I did some searching on my phone in the care until about 15min 'till.
Then I go inside, and insurance ends up being a god damn hassle. I tried to login to my work thing to figure out what company it's with and then I needed to log into their website and do the same. But I hate my work's online portal, I can never remember my password and it always yells at me for using one of the last 5 passwords...so that now my password for that site is something like >-bleeped-<YouNameETC and a bunch of numbers/characters. The other problem for some reason each time I would get the message sent to my phone of the 1-time use code dealies, when I tried to use them, the website would automatically go back to the previous page. This happened like 4 times, and just a whole 'nother mess of things.
Finally, I resolved all the insurance stuff and was able to fill out the last piece of paperwork. The receptionist told me that I could finish it after my session if there's difficulty. BUT SHE LIED! They were waiting for me to fill out the insurance first, so much so that I only got about 20minutes of my 1hr session. And it was good...? It was weird, it was definitely difficult to describe.
If you all read my posts on here, you can imagine how hyperactive I talk in person lol and I was definitely straining my voice by the end of it, but I did not revert to my old voice. It's hard for me to recall everything I spilled out, but I did manage to 'lay the groundwork' I think. Not much more than some of you know about me already(especially if you send me a direct message!) I think it was kinda like setting-up several topics to expand upon in future sessions, with a single topic per session each. So I am quite anxious for my next session!
I was a bit bummed, because my time was eaten into and I barely got to connect with another human being in-person. But it was still good. And something happened as a result with my voice. I learned that there are actually 3 things that are required for a feminine voice(if you're excluding the 'shelf' method, too) and some of you gals might already know the third, but I certainly didn't at the time.
I learned that it takes pitch, resonance, and... confidence. Yup! It's really weird that I didn't think about that, I mean I didn't so much as converse with many people today, but there were plenty of, "Sorry! I just need to get through." or "Excuse me. Right behind ya." etc. So, not the greatest, but I still could tell the difference the most, in fact, with my singing(which I enjoy doing while driving from place to place).
It was like a 'magic-zone' or something. I've said plenty of times over this past month that I've "found my voice" or something akin to that, but today was really when there existed harmony in it. I wasn't trying to sound feminine, I was speaking/singing in a feminine way! I was also able to rest just slightly under falsetto without acting doing into it, and damn! Was that a good feeling!
So, I do think my method of handling a social transition is certainly helping me. My mask and bra is like the armor of a soldier, in a way. They might not fight as ferociously with that armor on, and in-turn, they don't unleash their full power when in the fray. The same applies to me with my mask and bra. Mask alone, I might reply in a feminine way but very subdued. Likewise, if I only have the bra, but no mask, then I don't think I would even be able to show my face in public, looking how I do.
But with them both(even though I make one FUGLY chick) it helps me build confidence in my female ways; for, to try and sound like a man(like a cop-out) while having um, boobs, at least for me, seems way more damaging and embarrassing than just being female.
This is the 2nd day(of many to come) where I am out in the world, with my 'breasts' and the first day, I did not go into the women's bathroom. But today...I did. Several times, it seemed like I was having a bit of bladder control issue today for some reason lol Also, because I was so nervous, I didn't retuck very well, I think? A few times when I got out, it felt like there was something lodged between my thighs, whereas usually the feeling on member pretty much vanishes.
Now, there was little risk of embarrassment involved because this is just employees that I've probably seen before(ive been working at the same round of stores for over a year now) but have no real connection with; so there isn't much concern for them being aware of the new me. Though I did think it humorous a few times to myself, employees being like, "Wasn't that chick here last week, but I thought they were a dude?" Or something.
Still, I had an opportunity to 'confront' this notion, but fate was not with me. At one store(not one I work at), I had regularly come to the McDonalds and ask for a spoon and nothing more, usually in my same jacket. I doubt many people do this(considering you can just grab a spoon from the produce counter literally like 10 feet away) and so I endeavored to do so again, but with my real voice and emulating(somewhat) my real appearance. The thing I usually buy so I need a spoon was not in stock this time...dammit! But I didn't care, I was gonna ask them for a spoon anyway, because that's what's important more so than using excuses to not "go for it" but this time, it was different people behind the counter. No one I had ever seen before, so there was little point in doing it.
Tomorrow will be very interesting, I think, if a certain employee is working at one of the other stores I work at. Because I have conversed with him on several occasions(and I might have already mentioned this in this very thread) at length, and he recognizes me immediately and calls out to me; and I commented about his haircut, etc. So, the question is, will I be able to approach him with my boobs and feminine voice? I basically need to, because where I always see him in the store, is required to complete my job. And I have to complete my job.
I'm not really trying to find a makeup tutor or anything in one of the areas that I work. As much as I love 'hiding behind a mask' it's really uncomfortable, doing that for up to 5 hour stretches at a time and it get's really hot. Not to mention the sweater I wore probably wasn't the best for the weather, but it's the only 'shirt' I have that feels feminine to me. Which leads into my step, or proposed step...
So, at one store, despite having mannerisms down-pact, with boobs, I was still called sir from behind by an employee. (but not one I've seen before) And I think it's partly because of my lack of curves, and also dress. I have a few 'tight' jeans that I've been wearing, but they are now all hanging loose(kind of) around my hips; if not for my slightly perky bum, they'd probably just fall right down to the floor!
And what I'm thinking I should try to do next is going to paint a bit of a target on me, I think, but then again, many women do anyway? I plan to buy some jeans that fit, but not just any girl jeans- ones with embroidered jewels on the butt flaps! I would how much more feminine I might appear with that bit of clothing, hm?
And lastly, since I was trying to improve my makeup for my eyes. I wasn't going to neglect my eyebrows, but the problem is similar to everything it seems- I don't know what the >-bleeped-< I'm doing. I watch videos, I have brow gel, brow pencil, the little brush, shapers and I do what I can. I'm so worried about removing eyebrow hairs that I shouldnt, too. I had heard about 'threading' on here and elsewhere, and thought it was some kind of medical procedure; but then I saw it in my recommended videos on Youtube. And found a boutique near one of the places I work. So I'm going to give that a try. The biggest 'downside' to it seems to be pain, but I am no stranger to pain.
I might be doing that as early as Saturday...
Oh, and lastly, lastly(because I just LOVE to ramble, apparently) my MicroSD card came in the mail a few days ago. I have yet to test out the capture, but if it works...then I can finally record gameplay footage for my Youtube channel and really start to explore my 'real' personality, when I'm trying to be amicable!
Toodles for now, dolls!
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-8-may-12th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-8-may-12th-2018)
Oufff, I feel exhausted... I didn't do anything 'new' today, but I prepared for the next step, all the same.
I think it's pretty much the way I'm dressed that tells everyone right away, "That's not a girl. That's clearly a boy with boobs." And even before I got to greet the employee that I talk to occasionally, I was pretty much of the mind-set to get some girly clothes. But I don't know how successful that was, or will be, honestly.
While the sweater I was wearing is the only piece of clothing I owned that makes me feel slightly feminine, it would seem that the color totally loses the boobbage. To me, they feel massive, and when I am walking around from the side, it's very noticeable. But from the front, it's a different story. And since I'm constantly bending down for my job, they practically end up vanishing.
I got stopped by quite a few people, some called me sir, none called me ma'am. I talked more than a few phrases to some people, and those people never addressed me with sir or ma'am.
But what really sucked was the guy I see whenever I'm at this store. He was there, he saw me, I was gonna call out to him, but he called out first. I did my best to express that "alot" has clearly been going on lately, but after the initial "Hey!" I was mostly ignored. I do not get the impression that he even saw my boobs.
So anyway, at the other store prior to his store, I just had to rush real quick and buy some outfit that isn't TOO flashy, but is CLEARLY not something a man would wear. The pants I found seem good, I was desperately trying to find something with embroidered pockets, and I found some jeans that has nice flower designs on them, but they were like XL only. So, what I got were some tight-ish fitting jeans that have a sparkley belt around it(either for use or just decoration) and I also got a purple t-shirt, and some kind of cardigan but I'm gonna have to return those >.<
It totally hadn't occurred to me(for some reason) that alot like ALOT of women's t-shirts leave their mid-rift exposed, which is fine, and if I didn't have hair to worry about down there, I'd be all for it! I even considered trying to use concealer/foundation on it, but then I remember how bad foundation looks on my face; and that its probably not a usable tint for my stomach's skin anyway.
I won't be able to try out my new outfit until next week. The remaining jobs I have for this week, I won't even be able to wear my bra to because I will be traveling directly there after having lunch with my wife and her mother. So tomorrow I'll return the shirt and cardigan, and buy a longer shirt and use one of my lighter shirt-jackets to draw attention away from my shoulders.
IN actual good news, though, I tested out the new MicroSD card with the capture device and was able to record gameplay without stuttering! I wasn't able to hear voice, so I gotta figure that out, but I'm so excited to finally be able to make content for my Twitter/Youtube!
I think these past couple days, everything's finally been catching-up to me. It's probably a combination of my new diet(or lack thereof), lack of sleep, and trying to cram lots of Eryn-time in the evening on top of both companies that I work for.
I feel...very light-headed
Audio Version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-9-may-13th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-9-may-13th-2018)
So I tried on my first purchased girl clothes ever! Still really neutral stuff, but it feels much better wearing them, that is until I looked at myself with webcam lol
This is what I had been wearing(and the shirt I said I like cause I feel feminine in it, now I can clearly see why)
(https://i.imgur.com/f6uiI7H.png)
This is the new outfit(I will also be wearing a sheer-jacket, that I hope will cover the lack of curvature going on in the stomach region.
(https://i.imgur.com/TYAprkP.png)
Perhaps I should go with the pants(the seam stops just a bit below my knees, btw) and my sweater...would that be the best option, i dunno.
Also got some bobbing pins for my hair(since it gets in my way) I wanted to find a cute hair clip that would match the outfit, but was unsuccessful in doing so. Also got a nice boar bristle brush to try and capitolize on what hair I currently have!
edit also figured out this whole imgur and posting pics thing lol
Isn't the whole outfit-testing so much fun? I never cared what I wore as a guy and pretty much wore the same clothes week after week forever lol. But now, when trying on female clothing, I find myself taking my time and really working through combinations. Color, style and fit actually mean something to me now.
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-10-may-13th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-10-may-13th-2018)
Quote from: Alyssa Bree on May 13, 2018, 03:21:20 AM
Isn't the whole outfit-testing so much fun? I never cared what I wore as a guy and pretty much wore the same clothes week after week forever lol. But now, when trying on female clothing, I find myself taking my time and really working through combinations. Color, style and fit actually mean something to me now.
Yeah!
And I think like even the clothing industry knows that about men, cause I mean you don't have much in the ways of variety even if you were trying to be stylish. Now the floodgates are open...and I forsee me making a lot of bad decisions lol
But so far, with fitting, I got damn lucky. I looked at a MtF sizing guide and took my size predicted by it for male-to-female and reduced the female by 2-3 sizes(these are an 8, and according to the guide, I should be wearing between a 10-11) also these jeans feel PERFECT! And I have always been opposed to shorts, but I shave regularly and feeling the air hit legs is pretty fantastic!
I know many of us crossdressed as the first step...I can see why, I think I was always pretty apprehensive about the whole thing in the past because I felt like I was only gonna see a man in women's clothes(which cartoons/movies really like to humiliate with) but now, I can see the female me in my body...
time to get a friggin corset!
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-11-may-13th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-11-may-13th-2018)
Today has been pretty terrible for.
All I wanted was a corset, and now I'm waiting in the rain for a AAA serviceman for the next 90minutes...
Today I couldn't present as female for various reasons, that blow alone soured my mood. I feel incomplete without my breasts. Anyway...
The previous night I looked up several shops near where I work today, them being Victoria's Secret, Pink, and Macy's. I also had a scheduled meeting where I am the organizer for my indie studio at 4:30pm. Apparently all 3 shops were located in a mall that closes at 6pm about a 70min drive from my home.
Luckily, I was able to get through the meeting well enough, but weather got bad fast here and there was trouble all over the roads. I managed to get to the mall like 4 minutes before the l
Place closed. I had actually called before leaving to see if they had the specific corset in stock, which they did not. I was just going to see if I could browse other substitutes.
So I park right out front Macy's, I have no idea how to navigate that store and was looking for a mall directory, but never found it...but somehow I came across Victoria's Secret, a very taboo /special moment and I just had to rush in
Will finish this story later, just got text from wifey.
Toodles, love you all!
Aaaaaaand the conclusion LOL
So, I mean, all throughout my life as a 'man' Victoria's Secret was like one of those places I'd never even dare go into, but I just rushed right in today...it just seems somehow silly to me. Anyway, lady there explained that their corsets were more for form, rather than function. So, that was a bummer. And the one I saw online at that particular shop, was only ever available online. I really wish I could buy stuff online, that'd make things at least a bit easier for my schedule!
So, I rush back into Macys, I need to get back so I can reach my car anyway. And by luck I find their lingerie department, but again, most of their corsets were just like extended bras or something.
When I was looking online originally, I saw that sometimes adult shops(which I have also never been in) sometimes sell them. So, I checked the area and saw there was 2 shops about 2.5miles away. All of this while under the guise of still being on the way to work... let me explain a moment.
My wife is extremely paranoid of things like the house burning down or me being dead somewhere. So, I basically always have to text her when I am arriving somewhere and when I'm leaving somewhere, as well as a laundry list of 'checks' at home. Normally, this is no big issue, but I have to try and time these texts to what she'd predict based on Google map data, so with me going to places to get my nails done, or looking for corsets, I have to get a bit creative...and tomorrow(this whole week, actually) is gonna be one major offender in that category.
So, as soon as I start to go, I feel like my tire is flat. Tire is a few months old, so annoyed, but find a place to air it up and do so. I find the first adult store, which has a stripe club attached to the back of it(which I have also never been in) and it was quite strange to enter one of those shops lol I mean, BAM! <not allowed> huge-ass dongs just as soon as I walk in. I saw some high-quality strap-on harness thing, that I may end up buying later on, but they didn't really have corsets.
Went to the next one, it was just a super store and it was HUGE, I sadly, didn't get to browse at all. Two sales ladies approached me, they looked like really cool chicks, too. But their last corset they said was sold about a month ago...oh well.
Dealing with the weather, and construction. I went to my job, and returned part of my outfit while there(I wasn't going to wear that one, anyway), did the job. Saw they had corsets, but it was only in XL size... and going by guide online, I should be grabbing a S or M, at best.
So, then I prepared for home. But, what's this? My tire is flat again in about an hours time. So I debated what to do, luckily about 2 weeks ago my wife and I signed-up for AAA, so I called them. It was a pretty awful call, took them forever to find my membership info, person was very keen on verifying and cross-verifying that I was indeed who I was(I wasnt using my feminine voice or anything for this). and then I just had to wait in the rain for the AAA person to arrive.
I got a text message saying their ETA was about 30minutes. My wife seemed upset and thought it should be sooner. I was parked in a gas station went inside looking for something to snack on, like those yogurts with granola, but no avail. Then I got another text saying their ETA jumped by another hour. This, all the while, I am going into one of my busiest weeks for job(I literally will be working 12+ hr days every day this week) or 14-15+ including drive time. And I was trying to get all caught-up on some tasks (admin or otherwise) that I needed to take care of for my indie game studio.
And my wife was making some great suggestions of how to rearrange my schedule, BUT the problem is she doesn't know about my threading appointment tomorrow...and now I also have to go to the auto repair shop, too... on top of my work stuff. Anyway, back to the scenario...
This was my first experience with any kind of roadside assistance. I was dumb and asked a dumb question, but the guy, instead of explaining to me in a helpful way rattled off a long "when I finish this story you'll know exactly why you should have kept your mouth shut" sort of vibe and in a very sassy or snarky tone. Great that I had my donut at least, and I thought my trunk was full of crap from our old house, but I was pleasantly surprised that it wasnt except now...my wife is determined to clean out my car this weekend. That's where I keep my rotation of panties, adhesive and regular bra, masks, and creditentials for my therapist, as well as any other Eryn-related stuff. So, now I gotta figure out another place to hide those temporarily, too.
So, i'm writing this right now, I think it's like 3am. I'm going to need to wake up at 7am to call and setup an appointment with auto repair about 8:30am, wake up my wife around 7:30; go to one of my jobs and do most of it, then slip away around noon for my threading appointment, then go back and then to another job much further away. While juggling "im here/leaving now" texts to my wife for the auto repair about 2pm. Arriving at a completely different job about 3pm, and leaving it about 30 minutes before I arrive home.
I likely won't get home tomorrow until after midnight. Things would get a lot of easier if I could stop being Eryn, but that feels even more difficult. Every day where I'm not at least presenting somewhat as female really crushes my soul. It makes me acutely aware that I have actually ALWAYS had dysphoria, I just didn't realize it; I thought I was just depressed for no reason.
And I really wanted to FINALLY do some gameplay recording, but god dammit! My schedule is an absolute mess lol I still need to shower, shave, various lotions, put on nail polish, brush my hair, etc. tonight.
I guess, though, the one upside to lack of sleep(from what I've researched) is it drops your Testosterone quite a bit.
So,
yay...
Hey Eryn, just wanted to stop in and say Hi in your thread!
Sorry your day today wasn't so hot. :/
Alyssa - Isn't that weird. I too, did not give a darn about how I looked as a guy. Average outfit. Tennis shoes, Levis and whatever shirt happened to be closest. Don't forget the sweatshirt to cover up man boobs. I guess I was fully immersed in grunge. Now I can't stop thinking about what I might put on. My current dream is that I get locked into the Venus warehouse and can try on anything. My big regret is my big feet. I love boots but they are rare as hens teeth in my size. Walking in heels is a death wish.
(lol) Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-12-may-14th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-12-may-14th-2018)
Yeah, Dawn! For me, it goes beyond just clothes. I didn't really care if I lived or died as a man. I used to think I would try and join the army just so I could have an honorable suicide... but, um anyway
So, I got 2.5hrs of sleep, and heading out for a 16+ hr day.
Wish my luck girls!
*edit*
Dressed like this, no makeup, pre HRT....it really is like I'm trying to commit social suicide or something! ???
(https://i.imgur.com/9cF9h4t.png)
Quote from: Eryn T on May 14, 2018, 07:34:28 AM
Yeah, Dawn! For me, it goes beyond just clothes. I didn't really care if I lived or died as a man. I used to think I would try and join the army just so I could have an honorable suicide... but, um anyway
So, I got 2.5hrs of sleep, and heading out for a 16+ hr day.
Wish my luck girls!
*edit*
Dressed like this, no makeup, pre HRT....it really is like I'm trying to commit social suicide or something! ???
(https://i.imgur.com/9cF9h4t.png)
Hope your day goes OK, I think the outfit looks great!
Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
When I read some of these posts by people early in their transition, I have to say I find it a bit confronting - and I say that with no judgement.
I guess I might have been similarly attracted to superficial aspects of being female when I was early in transition(?), but to be honest, your experience of being a woman, and a transgender woman, is worlds apart from mine.
I believe everyone has autonomy over their own identity. However... I don't agree with her principles, but I also kind of get what Germaine Greer is saying when she talks about some transwomen having no comprehension of what it's like to live as a woman in society.
I have the privilege of living stealth in some parts of my life. Being a woman to me is not about 'girly' behaviours and makeup and demure deferential mannerisms. Heck you can have those stereotypes without the trauma of transition. It's about dealing with all the good and bad experiences that comes with being accepted by all of society as a woman. It means the frustration of being spoken over in meetings by men, having an opinion that's perceived as less valuable, and getting paid less for the same work. It means living with the constant threat of sexual harassment and assault, and a body that men treat as a possession. It comes with a shared bond of trust with other women and the mutual fight for reproductive rights. It means having a broader emotional experience of life. It also comes with a hormonal maternalistic connection to life and nature, generally speaking. It's a blessing seeing the world with estrogenic vibrancy and colour.
My womanhood is not defined by "pampering regimes", moaning during sex the way porn performers do, dieting for a slender figure, or being deferential to men. To be blunt, I almost find those suggestions a bit reductive.
Similarly, being transgender to me is not about getting in touch with my frilly side. It's about thousands of hours hours spent in courtrooms, protests, or law reform conferences fighting for equal rights. It's about the terror of rejection or even violence when telling a wonderful guy I'm attracted to after the fifth date that I am trans. It's about hugely invasive surgeries that involved having my face removed and my skull reshaped. It's about the painful year long recovery from SRS, and sobbing my way through hundreds of hours of electrolysis. It's about the terror of sending an email to 1,000 business associates notifying them of my name and gender change. It's about a part of my life (transition) when I was visibly between genders, that I would probably rather just forget about. It's about a lifelong shared bond with other women who moved through that journey alongside me - and some men we met on that road travelling the opposite direction.
I know other transwomen have a different experience again. Those who transition later in life often don't get as much passing privilege and deal with the full brunt of social marginalisation, discrimination, abuse, and violence just because they are visibly trans. Non-binary trans femmes have a whole different experience again.
I guess my point is that our experiences of womanhood, and our experiences of being transgender, are so diverse that sometimes they actually have very little in common. Apart from your comments about dysphoria and being picked on for being an effeminate boy, there is actually not much of your story that I can relate to. I don't think that undermines the validity of either of our identities, I guess it just shows how diverse the transgender community is.
If you get the opportunity to sit with some female colleagues or friends and talk about their experiences of being female, I think there is lots of opportunities to learn more about the typical female biological and social experience. So many of us transwomen only learn about the female gender through the harmful lens of toxic masculinity. Feminism has a lot to offer.
All the best for your journey, wherever it may lead you.
That's a lot of food for thought. I agree that there must be a wide range of experiences of being a trans woman, just as there must be a wide range of experiences of being a cis woman. Though not judgmental, some aspects of your post did come across to me as a little patronising, though.
True, until we pass, trans women do not share exactly the same experiences as cis women. Until we pass, we do not, e.g. get treated as mentally deficient because we are women. Instead, we get treated as mentally deficient because we want society to accept us as women. No, we don't go in fear of being assaulted because we are women. We go in fear of being assaulted because we want society to accept us as women. In addition, until we pass, we can never expect to be given any special consideration or courtesy because we are women. Nor can we expect many gentlemen to come to our aid if we are in distress. No matter how much we pass, we can never share with cis women the pain or joy of giving birth.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
...
It means having a broader emotional experience of life. It also comes with a hormonal maternalistic connection to life and nature, generally speaking. It's a blessing seeing the world with estrogenic vibrancy and colour.
...
We already share those qualities with cis women, even before transitioning or starting HRT. We are trans women because we think like women. We don't start HRT and THEN start to think like women. Trans women can express their nurturing instincts in many ways before transitioning, such as bringing up children or even protecting the innocent in war zones.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
...
I guess I might have been similarly attracted to superficial aspects of being female when I was early in transition(?)
...
Similarly, being transgender to me is not about getting in touch with my frilly side.
...
You know yourself but it doesn't look quite like that to me. I mean no offence, just that you may be more like those in early transition than you think. One quality that the vast majority of both cis and trans women share is the desire to be as beautiful as we can, and to be accepted as feminine. A superficial aspect of being female? Perhaps but even cis women tend to spend a lot of time and money on it.
What are ruches and frills but a way of showing the world that we are beautiful and feminine? Ruches and frills may not always be sophisticated or fashionable or appropriate for our age but the principle is the same, however we choose to show the world that we are beautiful and feminine. It could be argued that FFS is the ultimate frill. The second F even stands for Feminization.
The "superficial" aspects of being a woman are important. It is precisely those "superficial" aspects that trans women are starved of, pre-transition. The deeper aspects of being women are already present. I believe that the "superficial" aspects, when successful, also go a long way towards helping trans women to be accepted by society as women.
Yes, being trans is also about the struggle for our rights. If you are personally involved in the court cases and protests, I am very grateful. All the best for your journey, too.
Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-13-may-15th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-13-may-15th-2018)
Thanks for posting, Mary! *hugs*
I think, even when I'm believing in myself, I often cast doubt on my own beliefs if someone challenges them, because I never feel like I know the 'truth' and I am always 'seeking' it. But the truth is something you find within, especially as transladies, so I will try to keep that in mind.
So today was loooooooong, but not all that eventful. I wore my outfit, it's very non-manly(or so I thought), but it's difficult to say. I was only approached about 3 times today, though. So, not exactly the a good estimate to go off of.
I forgot to mention after all the insanity yesterday, I did find a corset at walmart for about $13, but it was XL; still conformed 'slightly' just not by much, and I wore it all day today(and to sleep) and I'll just say my bra was more constricting than that thing lol (even when the straps slip down my arms)
But, early on today, I checked another walmart on the way to work and found a M and then a S! I grabbed the S, I hope it wasn't a big mistake lol But we well see, I plan to wear it tomorrow at another one of my jobs! >:-)
Some manager or something at one of my jobs today greeting me with a, "Hey guy!" ugh... and it wasn't really until the very end of the day that I got a little bit of recognition.
Today was, though, the first day I wore my 'complete' girl outfit and it was a pretty nervous feeling ever-present. Like somehow everyone knew, they knew I was just a man in women's clothes or something- it really was an oppressive feeling. I'm sure many of you can relate to this feeling, but I imagine it is something to just slowly overcome and adapt to until it vanishes almost entirely, like much of this process.
At one of my jobs, I was trying to take extra care to handle products in a more dainty manner. Similar to speaking and walking, it's not hard, it just isn't thoughtless- but eventually, it will just be the norm, it's still important to practice!
Well, at my last job for the day, I was picking up Vitamin Waters for my wife, and taking them to the self-checkout area when a man from behind called out to me, "Miss!" I turned around, and probably lit-up like a Christmas tree! Then it was rather abrupt and awkward, but I got a cashier to handle my wonky transactions and I had a pleasant conversation with him, since I would be his last customer for the night(he was a different gentleman than the one who called out to me, to point out the open que)
But before I went to work at all, I had to go on a few other adventures. One, was the auto-repair place where I get my oil change(and I drive so much for work that I need a 5k oil change every month) so they're pretty used to me coming in, I was not ready to go full girl-mode there. So I wore my jacket, and a pair of sheer pants over my girly ones. I was going to have to sit and wait for 2hr+ in their lobby anyway, and that would have been extremely uncomfortable to me. So, while I probably should have been braver, I think I made the right decision this time.
I used that time to tweet a bit and hang out here on Susans! (Hey, gurls, hey!) So that was fun! I learned about some hashtag history and stuff, too. Then later on in the day, I was calling the manager at my wife's request because she believed the flat tire I had was still under warranty; it looked really new, and they said they couldn't patch it. I originally called and got someone else and then they said they'd get the manage, and for some reason I decided then and there to experiment and I impersonated my wife! mannerisms and all, LOL He was very nice and understanding, it made me happy that my voice is pretty convincing over the phone, too!
The next stop after I got my repairs done? dun, dun, DUN! Eyebrow threading shop. This was a very unique experience for me in many ways. Obviously, it's my first time, but also the worker I talked to(she explained there are only 2 employees) is aware of my status as trans, it's not like I can hide it when you're staring at my face to do the threading anyway. So it was important for her to be cool with that, and she was, she was very nice. But there were also several clients in the waiting room, and I was presenting in appearance as female, without my mask for the first time. I felt stronger stares, I guess? But no one said anything, I was very nervous and it was REALLY hard to speak feminine leaned-back in a reclined position, I had no idea.
Threading is painful, but not on the eyebrows, just around the lips, and I think it was only really painful because my hair was still really short there. I underestimated how fast my facial hair will grow, and I did ask her when I made the appointment on Sunday if it's alright to shave, she told me not to(but I had shaved on Saturday, already >.<) So, she struggled in vain to take care of the facial hair, my face became a bloody(literally, lots and lots of blood) mess!
It was definitely painful though. At one point, a single tear trickled across my face while leaned back she exclaimed, "Ohhh! Don't cry!" That was the only tear, but I had not shed a tear before then in over 8 years. Anyway, she was very nice and didn't charge me for the face part, just the eyebrows. But I did something(without thinking) that is very, very stupid of me. I used my credit card, when I had cash. So, I'm just going to buy lots of little things at my jobs and pray my wife doesn't go digging through the credit card statements to see, "Monika's Eyebrow Threading" Hmm, I wonder what this could be? lol...
And lastly, back-pedaling a bit. I would like to explain that I talk ALOT here on Susans, and I can certainly do so in real life. But usually, I will limit myself to maybe a few words, when presenting as female I am very nervous and often trying to end the conversations quite quickly; a few times today I tried to instigate conversations a few times, though. And this is remarkable because of how my conversation with the manager of the auto-repair place went. I had NEVER gone full-female in diction when speaking, but I found myself quite easily making comments, asking questions, and doing things I would never had done as a man. So I think that's a good thing.
Tomorrow is going to be yet another interesting day. If my girdle fits well, then I will tie my jacket around my waist or not wear it at all. I only have 1 job tomorrow, but it'll likely take 10+ hours, and several employees at that store are familiar with me; i've talked to one of them on many an occasion, so once again, it'll be interesting I guess to see how they react.
I really want to find a way to do my make-up properly, I'm so tired of hiding behind this mask, but in order to do the eyebrow threading correctly, I'm going to have to let my facial hair grow out all this week, which is gonna be really rough to take while wearing female attire. The mask is also uncomfortably hot and instantly draws attention to me, but keeps people from approaching me(which may be good and bad?)
I dunno, I've been sorta rambling for awhile now. But yeah, every single day really is an adventure now and that's pretty exciting!
I love how you decide you would like to do something and you just do it! You head out and give it a try. I am much more cautious and tend to over-think things. My social transition is much slower. You have my respect!
xoxoxo
Alyssa
Eryn I have to say I've read maybe half of your adventure and I gotta say you give me hope. I feel like my story started like yours.. I'm 31 and married except my wife isn't as open and I've just now decided to start this path. My first appointment with a new therapist is on the 12th of June and i hope that i can get some progress from it. All I've done so far in the crossdress department is underwear socks and some jewelry that I can hide. Mani/pedis are the best thing ever and I'm looking forward to getting a pedi soon. Problem is getting them around my wife's schedule. I do feel bad about not being as honest with her about it as I should be but I know her reaction and it will be bad for me.
Keep up the fight. You give me a bit o' courage.
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Audio Version of this post here: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-14-may-16th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-14-may-16th-2018)
Thanks, Alyssa! Yea, I've always been a go-getter as far as I can remember. Think it started after my second year at college. Story time, before today's events!
I first went to a state college, before i had any idea what I was even doing. I flunked-out completely within the first semester, and wasn't paying attention to signs for the dorms and basically missed my window to move out for winter break. And I spent the next day on the sidewalk with all my stuff, while I waited for my mom to drive and pick me up.
I accrued a decent amount of worthless debt from this, but moved back in with my dad and got a job and used that money to try and pay for classes as a community college. Was more or the same, I would get Fs, and Is(incomplete) but something happened, and I'm not sure what I just had this feeling like, "There's no way I can go on like this..." and like that, I turned things around and was getting straight As, making the deans list every time. That's when I knew I wasn't stupid, I just lacked something, call it motivation- so from then on, I always tried to be better about motivating myself(which is really good as a transgirl and as a game designer lol) It really is like, the alternative of not doing something is nothing happening, but I want things to happen- I want my life to go places, so I guess that's what I reason with.
I'm so happy that my adventures can help you in your own journey, DraconisTiff! Similar to the above, I started my relationship with my wife as long-distance, and that only works if you're working towards it no longer being long-distance one day. Same applies to trans, hiding yourself forever, it's no good for either of you(this is stuff I heard a bit from my therapist and also some lovely gals here on Susans in PMs <3) So, I'm 'building' toward the reveal of my status to her. I would say the sooner you let them know the better, but I know myself I am waiting for several reasons(which I plan to openly talk about finally in another post that I'll be making in the next few days) because I care about each of you, and I appreciate all your kind words, and I've already mentioned some intimate details of my life, so I feel I shouldn't keep this hidden anymore(plus it doubles as practice for when I need to tell the truth to my wife) Anyway, I kinda got off tangent, the point I'm trying to make is: if you care about her and yourself, I feel like you need to think about how you will tell her eventually, where you'll be at in your transition when that happens, and take into account what you both desire.
Alrighty, onto today's events. To sum them up very concisely, 3 major(well, minor, but major to me!) things happened to me today. 1. CORSETS BANZAI 2. I LOVE talking to people! (shocker, right? But seriously, Im very quiet in person normally) 3. Not being a backup singer anymore.
Ok, to start with, I had previously worn a size XL corset-thing, I forget what they're called but these things are literally like $10-15 bucks as Walmart, I HIGHLY recommend them for anyone trying to slim their appearance on the sides(and possibly front). When I wore the XL, it sort of 'hugged' me, but not much. I was concerned that the S might be too small, but I think it was the perfect size for me! (M would have been less effective and an XS would have been impossible to get on without help)
Here's how it looked at the Drugstore I was at(for literally 11 hours, and not even done...):
(https://i.imgur.com/nUfTkLj.jpg)
For comparison, here is the same outfit without the corset(also, I really need to learn how to take selfies... lol):
(https://i.imgur.com/TYAprkP.png)
An article I looked at about the subject said, as long as you're a heavy sleeper, you can use corsets to sleep, as well. And train your stomach while you sleep!
So, pretty much all day today I was at a drug store, one that I go to every month only(job is monthly) and Im usually greeted by this supervisor guy, as well as this nice lady who I had to sign-in with. The lady was there, but as soon as she saw me, she reached for the clipboard and did not speak a single word to me...I really wonder what was going through her head, or maybe it's best I don't know...
Anyway, aisles are small, but my job is time-consuming so it took me about 6 hours to get through 4 aisles or so. All the while two ladies were stocking as well as the supervisor guy. I got in the way of the ladies a few times, and they got in mine, those opportunities I endeavored to make conversation- at first I was thinking to myself, "Ill make my mission tomorrow to instigate conversation" and then a few moments later I was like, "why not now?" and well, I'm a go-getter so~
I didn't know what to talk about, but I was really enjoying the music(and singing most of the time) they played, so I was talking to one of the ladies about it for awhile, as well as general "oh, it's a job" woes. Then later on, the supervisor guy approached me and was like, "So, what is it that you do again?" And I started to just spill out information OVERFLOWING talking about drive-time conpensation, waiting periods, types of jobs, etc. Sometimes people ask this stuff, they always ask, "How much are you paid?" And I think it's either cause they would prefer my job or they want to know why Im there, I guess? I dunno.
Anyway(I say that alot), the supervisor guy was talking to the two ladies about a few things at the open end of a very short aisle that I was working at. He was going to go to another store and was cross-checking their duties for the week or something.
Then he opened-up with, "I see that guy here sometimes. Asked him what his job is." Then one of the ladies corrected him, "You mean, 'her?'" And there was an audible pause where I wasn't looking but I could totally FEEL him staring at me while I worked, and then the girls both laughed and they dispersed. I was grinning ear-to-ear for the rest of the day after that lol
Then the last thing of progress happened while I was driving, my disney song playlist stopped because I lost service, and in stead of stopping along with it I just kept singing the remaining portion...and it actually sounded okay, good even! So I think from now on, I'll probably have the music down very very low, or just muted while I sing- concentrating on myself.
Now, there has been one thing I repeatedly neglect, and it's my gaming/youtube, despite all the progress I am actively making everyday, I continue to make excuses for why I haven't done it yet. Well, I'm going to do it tonight! And you can hold me to that!
When I am talking, though, I get really nervous. A person like me could never win a game of Operation or Jenga. I get the shakes, and I'm hoping that eventually I'll overcome that, because my voice honest-to-god sounds quite good in the car, but it's much higher and somewhat broken, I think, when I am talking to others.
I really hope it's just because of the mask. When I finally unravel the mystery that is makeup, then I won't need to hide behind a mask anymore!
Audio Version of this post here: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-15-may-16th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-15-may-16th-2018)
Micro Update!
I just finished my first recording session, with audio! Starting to go through the editing...wow...it's basically constantly cutting my audio out ;_; oh well...
Lastly, I tried using more of my head voice than my 'shelf' one here, because of the duality I set-up on Twitter and Youtube, I try to create commentary banter between myself. If you gals happen to take a look, tell me what you think, what I should work on and stuff!
Much love,
Eryn
*edit*
In hindsight, I wish I had only recorded 1 episode's worth and fixed all the problems, or at least tried to. Oh well...
Will post the link once it's done rendering/uploading here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbrVPOhSVs8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbrVPOhSVs8)
*double edit*
I swear a lot, for some reason. And I apologize. I think it's in the absence of actual commentary it's my go-to >.<
Audio Version of this post here: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-16-may-16th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-16-may-16th-2018)
So, really not hardly anything to talk about today. I do notice that at the beginning I said I'd never have enough adventures to do this daily...lol
I had to go back to the drug store and it was a different guy that I always see, same woman who I sign in with; I addressed both, and nothing out of the ordinary. Then there was this lady who I had to sign out with, she has only been there once before and then(as a man) she drilled me with a dozen questions then "sic'd" the supervisor on me, which is how I met him. She showed the same contempt for me presenting as female.
I am really starting to wonder how many people see me as female or just as a weird dude with boobs.
Some hopefully good news, though! I had found a beauty boutique, but hadn't called yet, and this time I called. Their website specifically says women over and over, so I wasn't sure how they'd feel about a transgirl. Sometimes she hosts seminars and also does private tutoring for makeup application. When I got I just got the answer machine, but then like 10 minutes later I got a text from them saying they're currently on vacation in Florida and will be back next week. They seemed really nice, and enthusiastic about my interest. So, when I finally do attend a seminar or something, I might actually be among cis women who are encouraging me, and not just seeing me as a weirdo.
But yesterday was absolutely brutal in terms of my energy, I think. I was so exhausted today that I had to take a nap in my car for a half an hour or so. Yesterday I did attempt to live 4 lives; I've always been one to have a whole lot on her plate, but regular work, indie dev work, being "Eryn" and also working on my Youtube stuff. It really was a lot.
Hello Eryn
After reading through your words and everyone else's I would definitely have to conclude
yes you are doing it right and then some.
While it's not right for everyone, it sounds that you've worked through everything and it's right for you sweetheart.
Best wishes for your future keep the fire burning.
Love Tatiana
Quote from: Tatiana 79 on May 17, 2018, 11:04:08 AM
Hello Eryn
After reading through your words and everyone else's I would definitely have to conclude
yes you are doing it right and then some.
While it's not right for everyone, it sounds that you've worked through everything and it's right for you sweetheart.
Best wishes for your future keep the fire burning.
Love Tatiana
Audio Version of this post here: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-17-may-18th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-17-may-18th-2018)
Thank you so much, Tatiana! I do think I was doing it right, but I had a major misstep today. My wife knows, we had a long long conversation. She helped me with a hairband technique to hide receding/thinning hair. She's very distressed by it all, but very supportive. However, there is no current possibility of a sexual relationship occurring. We will just be very loving girlfriends together, possibly.
I understand that its alot to take in, but she was trying to take on so much info all at once.
Anyway, I probably won't be bugging everyone on Susans as much as I have.
That was really the only thing note-worthy that happened today, I left work early to be with her and we talked until after midnight. Basically, her only condition is slow reveals on her terms; but sadly for me, my voice is one of the last things she's willing to get revealed.
On the positive side, I believe I will be starting HRT much earlier than I was going to.
Also, here is episode 2 of my Axiom Verge Let's Play (Audio still cuts randomly; I resolved it in ep 4 and on, I think):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgPw_uW-S8s
Quote from: Eryn T on May 18, 2018, 01:20:05 AM
Thank you so much, Tatiana! I do think I was doing it right, but I had a major misstep today. My wife knows, we had a long long conversation. She helped me with a hairband technique to hide receding/thinning hair. She's very distressed by it all, but very supportive. However, there is no current possibility of a sexual relationship occurring. We will just be very loving girlfriends together, possibly.
I understand that its alot to take in, but she was trying to take on so much info all at once.
Anyway, I probably won't be bugging everyone on Susans as much as I have.
That was really the only thing note-worthy that happened today, I left work early to be with her and we talked until after midnight. Basically, her only condition is slow reveals on her terms; but sadly for me, my voice is one of the last things she's willing to get revealed.
On the positive side, I believe I will be starting HRT much earlier than I was going to.
Also, here is episode 2 of my Axiom Verge Let's Play (Audio still cuts randomly; I resolved it in ep 4 and on, I think):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgPw_uW-S8s
Congrats on having your wife know, that must feel like weight is lifted off your shoulders. I hope to join that club sooner than late...
Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk
Audio version of this post here: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-18-may-18th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-18-may-18th-2018)
Thanks, Cluck.
It is a pretty big weight off my shoulders, I just wish it hadn't gone down like it did, but it was probably better(and I know others have said this) to have it come out sooner, rather than later.
She's not ashamed or anything, and I'm fine with her telling whoever she wishes, but I think it's going to be much harder on her than me when it comes to her workplace. Apparently, she tells stories about me all the time at work, and there are certain people she'd be willing to tell, but others where it would just be an unnecessary burden on her to tell them and then have to deal with their reactions at work.
We have to eventually do this, but I think it's much easier for us because we also need to change ourselves; spouses, for the most part, do not want the change, and so regardless how things affect their professional or emotional lives is going to be much harder to deal with.
I'm late on my scheduled upload for Youtube, but it's cause my pc is a potato. Takes around 90minutes to render a 20min video, then about 45min to upload it on youtube; and I'm usually having to do other stuff, too. >.< I wish I could render things faster.
Also I'm really not pleased with how my voice is sounding in these videos, so I gotta keep working and improving that, too.
Here's Episode 3:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eKso41aBu4
Audio version of this post here: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-19-may-19th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-19-may-19th-2018)
Today had many downs, and not so many ups. I think me not being prepared for my wife to know really took the wind out of sails, and I just really lacked any confidence today for the most part.
I wasn't walking right, I couldn't talk right. I talked to the guy I know again, this time with my new outfit and I really don't think he could tell or understood. And my god, my voice just sounded awful when I was talking to him.
Going back to the whole nervous shakes thing, my voice really does like 'collapse' when I talk to anyone I have spoken with previously as a man. I hope to get over that someday soon.
I was trying to look for a new outfit, I didn't just want a palette-swap of my current one, but I don't think I'd be comfortable actually wearing a dress until I can successfully do my makeup.
But really good news with the wife, she is very supportive. I told she can tell her coworkers, and she has. Every once in awhile she tries to think about what I would want or what is best for me(that is different from what I would do in the past) so she tried to consider diet choices, and looked up a pitch app.
But my dreams of starting HRT early have been somewhat dashed(and its probably for the best) even though I was progressing very rapidly, my wife needs to take everything much slower. And she feels she won't be comfortable me starting HRT until I basically am presenting as female all the time anyway. Which, in all honestly, is reasonable and probably a good thing because you take every change then throw on hormones and rewiring your brain into the mix...that in and of itself is going to need a lot of focus and attention.
With how much she is distressed about the whole thing, and me just stumbling around at work today, I honestly kind of felt like maybe I shouldn't go for it, but internally now, it's not like I have a choice- it's just very weird with her knowing, and being supportive. Because before it was like this fun fantasy that I just got to experience mostly anonymously, but now I think it's just hard to feel like I am actually 'performing' or will be, as a woman, with her. Which I think is why it was hard being a man sexually in the first place, that expectation of what I was and what I am supposed to do, etc. It very well could be one of the triggers that shuts down my internal systems.
Anyway, I plan to capture some more tonight, hopefully I'm not too tired to do so.
And here is the next episode:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkRe9K-9HSE
Hello Eryn
I was always concerned about your wife in the past because you said you weren't out to her yet. But now the Genie's out of the bottle but that's good it was going to happen at some time and she has the right to know this isn't exactly what she signed up for. but know that hope is not lost this was her first initial reaction to it and you can't blame her.
I was very glad to read that her acceptance level is growing and that is a great thing Eryn. If you guys are really in love I think your odds are really good.
Don't rub it in her face too much even though you are the talkative one and rightly so. Bring it up very slowly and give her time to process it from what I've read here it seems that most members have support from their SO. Just give her all the time in the world and sence any negativity in her tone, just drop it then let time work for you and yours over the long run.
You know what they say, that time heals all and I most certainly hope that is the case for you and you gain her acceptance and support. And that'll be a huge asset for you starting to go through transition with her loving support. Just go in baby steps when you tell her about anything and sense her reaction, and react as needed pull back when there's negativity but if she's on the same page with you then let it flow o talkative one.
I most sincerely hope the both of you can work through this because if you do she will provide a rock of stability that will pay dividends down the road Plus I think you two will grow closer because of this I hope, many of us members out here with support from our wives know that it's priceless. maybe don't talk about it for a while and give her time to think about it, it's sounds like there's a lot of Hope and I hope you get it because it's really awesome being a team.
I most sincerely hope everything works out for you, it could add a bright new chapter for your lives together.
All the best to you my friend I hope you guys stay together. just remember move in baby steps.
Love Tatiana
Audio version of this post here: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-20-may-20th-2018 (https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-20-may-20th-2018)
Thank you, Tatiana! Your advice is definitely going to be a service. I have to suppress the talking, because I don't wanna make her feel bad. I think I sort of did today, but it's also because she is so supportive and doesn't know what to do, so she's trying to do lots of different things, and well....
In my real life, I've been called a "Dream Killer" and it's true, in many ways I am the party pooper. In this case, I tried to explain(after playing with the pitch app she showed me for awhile) that there's a lot of factors that affect your voice output and pitch is only one of them. Oops!
She looked up a nice shirt for me(something that's kinda trendy in Japan right now) that closes more around the neck(I understand that you want to wear deep V-necks to draw the eye away from your shoulders, but NOT when you've got the blackest chest hair almost up to your neck like me!) and she suggested I should observe and mimic some character or actress; I never really have a lot of time to do any sort of people watching(I watch people all the time, but only for very short bursts) and I do think that'd be good to do.
So, I pose this question to all of you on Susans; what character or actress does Eryn remind you of, if anyone?But I did explain to her about the voice, and I think it made her a bit happy that she's holding it off, that when I was practicing it(and even now) I do NOT use my voice whenever I can see myself, or if I do it's by accident. That is something that discourages me quite a bit, actually.
And also,
@Tatiana 79 It's so wonderful to see you updated your profile pic! You look great! Did you make a blog here on Susans? I don't remember seeing it, if so, sorry. I would love to hear what's been going on with you lately. Maybe someday soon I'll post a real profile pic; just no makeup :/
Anywho, I guess my update and response to you sorta blended there lol Not much else going on today, but I am getting very annoyed by retail store radios being so low in volume. Eventually I think I figured out that it's just loud people everyone that are doing it. Which sucks, because to avoid sounding like a crazy person I tend to either talk so low that I'm not really training much of my voice or just not talk at all. Then the awkward times or being asked questions or trying to navigate aisle means I gotta take my voice from 0% to 100% and it's pretty tough sometimes.
Then when I'm driving to the next stop, it feels like I'm having to rev-up my voice all over again in the car. Part of that I also think is because I fail at makeup application and continue to need this mask in order to 'somewhat' pass in public, but now I also see that it draws a lot of attention and scrutiny, whereas just wearing some makeup probably wouldn't attract as much- and that makes me super uncomfortable.
I'm gonna call my therapist on Monday and let her know of some of the updates of my situation. i.e. that my wife now knows, and she is not interested in a sexual relationship with a woman(even if I'm wearing the strap-on). Because I feel like based on my first session, she might have a 'game-plan' ready for the next, except OBVIOUSLY there's been some advancements lol
I recorded a few episodes of Axiom Verge. I would really like feedback if possible, if I'm entertaining at all? should I try to keep episodes to 10min or so? What game should I play? etc.
Anyway, here is Episode 5:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53thF5RBh3A
Fashion is going to be another really tough nut to crack(like makeup) but it seems like I'll be getting overwhelming support from my wife in that department. This week I will be talking to a lady who runs a beauty boutique and see how things go from there. My wife will be angry if I get makeup training/lessons if they're expensive sooner, rather than letting her show me later. And truth is, I really would love for her to show me instead, but I just don't know when later will be for her.
Kinda throwing her under the bus here, but she was hesitant to do our 2015 taxes until October 2015; and we didn't do our 2016 taxes until this year. So, it's really going to be a challenge for me to work this at her pace, I feel.
I hope everything goes well for you.
I'm really glad to read the post by Claire_Sydney. Like her I'm also pretty gender critical, and not comfortable with all the moaning like a porn star, walking a certain way, smiling at strangers, hand actions when talking - none of those to me denote female, or have to, or even should. I think that's generally a cancer on women, and on men - who can be men while doing all of those things. I find some thread titles here quite triggering myself. When I saw 'hunted prey' in celebratory capitals was the last time I checked out of here for a while.
I'm also a fan generally of Germaine Greer. No I don't subscribe to her views on mtf trans. Of course I don't. But I do subscribe to her views in general and I think she's worked hard and written about them beautifully and passionately. With evidence. And some of her trans critiques are not all that easy to brush aside. Peoples motivations are their own, but I think she has a point - I notice real male entitlement in some (not all or even most) mtf, and some of the chatter I see does veer more towards autogynophilia than dysphoria. Certainly a lot of the stuff about lactation is in that category, to me at least. I don't think it does us any favours intellectually to deny that.
I don't know much about the 'red pill' but I believe it's along the lines of 'women have so much privilege, feminists are whining bitches, now shut up and make the dinner because there's a man to please'. And it extends into pleasing men being what truly makes women happy. Clearly it's nonsensical poison, self unaware, and tied into the male gaze. With that said, The Handmaids Tale is on at 9pm so I'm off to get ready to watch.
Dear Eryn
I am so glad you and yours are coming to terms and are working through this. You and her have taken the first step and it sounds encouraging. Talking about it is wonderful therapy as my shrink sister always preaches to me and she always dwells on if you understand your problems or situation your mind and bodies can figure out away to make you more comfortable with them.
I really can't think of an actress role model for you because I don't think you need to emulate anyone that's kind of fake isn't it I would recommend finding your own true self that you knows in there and slowly let it out and you will feel truly free by emulating all those feelings you've had in your head all your life. Only you can provide your own true happiness by finding your inner self.
This is probably a little scary but you need to stand on your own merits not someone else's. I am just experiencing this as you are and I found out by exposing the real me and trying to express it as best I can and having feelings that I never felt in my life of happiness and Hope and I really don't know who the real me is because it really never came out to live free this is a little scary but I know I'll be relatively the same because I believe I already have a female brain as you do.
You are a unique individual Eryn rely on your inner identity to be your compass to guide you to find the real you not some other person's life you can make yours more exciting than anyone else's if you can truly achieve this.
And thank you for your compliments on my new Avatar I hated my old one it's probably 15 years old and completely inappropriate but I went out in the backyard yesterday and the wind was just blowing nice and I felt really good and took what we one I know it's pretty bad honestly but it does kind of show the release of the inner me that I was previously talking about and I lived that roll all day yesterday as I do a lot of RLE but mainly on my own property but also a minimal amount when I go out to the General Store here that's the only store around.
I like your excellent post and I hope you and your wife can use this to grow closer and I know it's possible because even after married 38 years I feel new closeness.
All the best to you and your wife o talkative one and I probably sound like I'm coming from Mars but that's who I am.
See ya. Love . Tatiana
@alex82
Hey, thanks for the input! Claire did bring up some good points, I have not heard of that person before. And I get the feeling people read my initial post and think that my transition is purely for sexual reasons, whereas that's pretty far from the truth.
A bit of sexual background. First encounter was some static-y porno of TV, I knew something was involved with my penis, but I didn't know what. So I pulled my pants down, was aroused, and waited for it to do something. After that, I think I learned about regular porn pretty quickly from the internet. I started with just straight porn, but grew tired of it; I believe now it was because I didn't really see myself in either role.
I have always been put down, mostly by girls/women and pushed around by them, but it's also probably because I never really bothered to open-up much around guys, I mean, they don't really share anyway. But at a very young age, I grew to resent and even hate women for awhile. I saw them just as fiendish beings who flaunt their physical traits over mental ones in order to prey on, control, or destroy guys. Similar to a Madonna complex, but in all aspects.
I have also always been very vain, but it's not something i'm happy about, if that makes sense. I don't look down on others because I want to, something in me just wants to criticize everything, even when I am worried about people's feelings or what it might do, and I have been actively pushing against that side of myself for the longest time. I do believe(especially with how distant that feeling is now) that it was a bit of my own criticism just slipping through in an angsty way because I was so unhappy with how I looked; but I thought that unhappiness had nothing to do with gender.
Anyway, back to porn. So, because of my hyper-criticizing tendencies, I have always fancied 2D erotica over 3D, because if there is any imperfection in a drawn character, it's done very deliberately- not so in real life. One time I was reading a manga, and didn't realize it involved a student basically having to pose as his dead sister for his traumatized family before and after class. Then his PE teacher recognizes him and plays with him sexually, she trains his ass and this was my first encounter with cross-dressing or semi-homosexual sex.
Something about it peaked my interest, I reason now because I could actually put myself in the shoes of that student, and also something else, like the 'evil' nature of bending someone's will was always appealing to me. Sometimes I had gotten off to that more than any kind of sex in the past. But with this development, I questioned my sexuality and thought maybe I was gay for it, but I was never attracted to men, gay porn even to this day makes me want to hurl. It's not like the, "Oh no, if I look at it, I'll finally admit I like it." I have tried to stare at it because it was what I THOUGHT I was supposed to be. But I just can't stand it, after all.
So there is a large connection to sexuality, but I think it's just like a key used to open the door, to enter the room where all the things I needed are.
I cannot stress this enough. I have no real life friends, I am constantly working, and I never really socialized any growing-up. Even when playing online games, I was more of the raid leader, the guild officer- I've always been an extremely serious person, and I always wanted to have fun, I just want to enjoy life, but I always feel this oppressing 'duty' that drives me, more like a machine, than a person.
Anyway, back to sexual stuff. I never had anyone teach me about sex, and I did more watching porn than actual reading of how orgasms work, etc. When I was a teenager, sometimes I'd just masturbate for hours and I never used lube, I didn't know it could be so great(in fact I had never used lube until about a month ago, when this all started) I punished the ever-living >-bleeped-< out of my dick, so many scars from abrasions and I hated it all the same, I felt controlled by it(hence why I was so angry at women) and I just wanted to be rid of it, that I debated cutting it off on several occasions, I don't even remember what ultimately made me change my mind.
So, getting back to the whole 'red pill' thing. I am not a red pill follower, but several of my views come from the same philosophy or feeling as theirs, but they are the extreme. I never bitch about feminism, unless it's toxic, the same goes for men- all people can be just the absolute worst and I hate it. But, things like the wage gap don't take into account that women prefer working less, taking more vacations, and many do have maternal instincts(not all, though), and their interests often differ from mens when growing-up too, which all play a part in the kinds of careers you are seeking.
People like to point out that men interrupt women in conversations, but from all I've seen women like to belittle men at every opportunity. Men have higher suicide rates than women, men can get raped just like women, but they do not have women's shelters or ANY support network that women do. Part of why men are cracking at the seams and this red pill movement became a thing, I think, is because men are expected to take everything and keep it inside. Otherwise, they aren't manly enough. Men can't hit women, that's a good rule; but women can hit men and it's okay? It just seems like there's many double-standards on both sides of the argument.
I think a part of me even desired to be a women, to feel like I had power, to feel like I had ANY control over my own life. These are just my experiences and observations. Maybe a man does have choices, or is somehow 'greater' in standing than a woman, but I've always seem them as the humble servant provider of the family, sacrificing themselves just to keep women happy. And don't even get me started on how alimony and divorce functions.
But getting off that soapbox for a moment, I hope everything goes well for me, and everyone else, too. Thank you! It's just something that has to be taken 1 day at a time.
@Tatiana
Girl, you are so right! I've always been so worried about doing something the right way, but similar to how alex and Clair have said, there isn't any one way to be a woman, you build yourself based on what you desire, see, feel, etc. over the years. And honestly, because I feels so good and 'natural' to do this hyper-girly things just gives me this feeling like, yes, this is who I am, this is what I was meant to be. I've already explained in other posts and to some extent, my wife, too, that just because there's something seen as 'girly' doesn't mean it's something I automatically care about. I am not transgender just so I can be the girliest girl. I will probably never get my ears pierced, I don't see myself in heels or high-glam or anything. I just really want to be me, I love cute things, I love beautiful things, I love having fun, running with my emotions, TALKING WAY TOO MUCH- all these things that even if I did them as a man, I could never accept myself in that way.
Today's Update
And I really do hope things go well for me and my wife, I gotta tell you, right now it seems a bit rocky. I am TRYING so hard not to say/do too much, but it always tips the scale, apparently lol Anyway, so onto the update!
Today, I went to a wholesale auction with my wife, she loves deals and auctions. We made some jokes me wanting purses, which coincidentally, is just another thing I don't really desire(maybe because I equate it to negative memories as a man always holding purses and feeling completely emasculated or something?) she says I'm more of a wristlet girl.
She likes to say those kinds of things and joke, but then shortly afterwards she always seems really depressed about it all. Like she's super supportive, but I think she also feels like her back is against a wall and she has no choice but to be supportive. Sometimes she'll say things like, "I think about putting up the christmas tree, but you'll be a woman, and that makes me sad for some reason" I think it's just still really weird and she's trying to get a grip on how the subtle things will change.
As I had explained to her before, my role in the relationship isn't going to change, the things I do isn't going to change, what will change is the implications because she has this preconceived idea of what a 'woman' should be, and yet I will be a woman doing the manly things, and it's weird to her. Sometimes, when we go out and I'm in guy mode(she has not done anything with me in girl-mode yet) I think she almost forgets i'm transgender, it's just too new. When we got home after the auction, I was stretching and I guess she saw the top of my panties, and for her, it was like a knife in the heart or something. It's just really hard for her to face this sometimes.
But this is also because she, like me, hasn't really been pleased with herself. She is a tomboy, and is very concerned about me being more of a woman than she ever could be(which was something I was concerned with, and am trying to address with both her and my therapist) And it really does boil down to what you all have being saying, girly doesn't automatically mean womanly. And also, not-girly doesn't automatically mean not womanly. But my wife never a conflict like this right in front of her. I think in many ways she envied or hated archtypes like the cheerleader or that 'sort' of girl in general- and that kind of bubbly girl is what I want to become, at least to some extent.
I had also decided(and told my wife) I am not telling my indie dev team that I'm transgender until after the game we're working on is released, I feel like spilling that knowledge out now could really shake-up the group dynamics; especially with me as the project manager, designer, and a few other roles.
In some quite exciting news, though! I bought my 2nd outfit ever, and I'm super excited to wear it, but it will come with it's own challenges for me, as well.
I got a turquoise color of the same shirt I had, and then I got this open-weave white cardigan(I didn't know it was a cardigan when I grabbed it originally) and something called TS Leggings, which have like different shades of blue flowers or something all over them(I dont remember) BUT a couple things about this outfit. The only white cardigan I could find was a 11-12, when my shirt is a 4-6, it looks like it will fit fine though, honestly. But I'm very concerned about these TS leggings. They were a size XO from what I could tell, no idea what that even means; but they looked like they might fit. Oh, and they have NO pockets whatsoever! So I'll have to get fancy with my holding technique while working lol I debated leaving my phone in my car, but my wife would have been furious by that!
Oh, and lastly, I was so excited, I was telling my wife and also asked her about the blouse she ordered for me(I think it would go best with like a black skirt, honestly) and she was like, "Whoa! Isn't that way too dangerous? Those leggings are going to be skin-tight, hun" And I was kinda blankly staring, then I was like, "Oh, it's no problem." And then she was blankly staring, and I offered to demonstrate, but that was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I don't think she would have been convinced otherwise, and on the other, she is very very concerned/disturbed by it.
It's just going to be a bumpy road; can't wait for the rollercoaster that is HRT lol
And here is the next episode of Axiom Verge:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl6fiXCVVjs
So, I'll keep today's update short(for real this time, not alot happened and I'm waiting for the youtube video to upload cause my computer is a potato >.<)
Today was the first day since I started this new journey where I almost didn't get to use my voice. I was busy working on game dev stuff until my wife woke up around 8am, then I passed-out and woke up around 4pm where we went and ate at a new Hibachi place! It was friggin amazing, and had a really good time, lots of great food. We tried fish eggs on our sushi(not on purpose) for the first time, they were good, but I don't think they tasted like anything.
Then when we got home, spent some more time together and I worked on some more game dev stuff, then got ready for bed and talked about various things. We both like anime(I used to be a junkie) and she was looking up some transgender or at least, crossdressing-based anime I think because she is trying to find familiar things that she can latch onto to get a grip on the situation.
But..
I maybe used my voice about 10 minutes total today, after she went to sleep. I've just been so busy, and before I did, it felt like something was building inside of me and about to explode. I just really wanted to BE today, but I can't because of my wife needing to take things at a slower pace than me.
Right now, she is fine just talking about "some" things, but me looking like a girl in anyway is still a no-no. Which is fine, it's only been a few days since she found out, but I'm really looking forward to work this week at my day job, so I can go back being myself once again. That won't happen until Wednesday, though.
My wife took off work tomorrow, and we're just going to spend the whole day together which I am looking forward to, despite not being able to dress femme! We might see a movie, I'm pretty sure we're gonna go to a couple thrift stores to look for clothes for me, and that really really makes me so happy that I kind of almost want to cry. I never have gotten emotional before all this, my wife has always been the emotional one, but I think I might end up competing with that(not on purpose) once i start HRT.
But between work, I browsed Susans a lot today, and that made me pretty happy! Made a new friend, discovered a new workout position, etc.
I'll have to post the link to my next episode once it's done uploading, but for now, I'm gonna be heading to bed.
Have a wonderful evening, all!
Hello Eryn
I just had to let you know l feel my reply was kind of incorrect. We do need an external world to visualize our future without that what would we have. After all we are just products of our environment.
I merely wanted to suggest that if you do find your true inner self it could be augmented with personas that you identify with and use some of their stuff to help you. But always maintain your individualism because it is unique.
I've been thinking a lot by this and I stand corrected.
And by the way what are you some kind of writer or something?
See ya Tatiana
Hey, Tatiana! No sweat!
I understand any advice that we try to offer for each other can't be taken as law or rule, but all can be helpful and are considered. I don't think I will try to emulate any single woman, but if I find someone who I feel is like me, I might take notice of what they are or do. But I am always appreciate of your support and advice! I believe that is the greatest thing we all can acquire from Susans!
I will go into more of what happened today later, but I have some work to do first >.<
And yes, I am sorta a writer! I'm actually a video game designer. But for the current studio I work for I am the project manager, the lead designer(well, only designer), the producer, the writer, playtester, co-animator(might be only animator soon), and I am a major player in the whole of the company because of that 'go-getter' attitude that y'all know so well on here, haha
I would like to share some of what I've done, but I think that breaks some of the ToS rules here, I think.
Anyway, for now, here is the next episode(cause it finally uploaded!):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mMykWknw_E
So, lots to talk about today! But sometimes my memory fails me, so I don't know how long this post will be, buuuuut
it all involves the progress that my wife and I had both made today! <3
So, my wife took off work today to spend some more time with me and we didn't really have anything planned, but I wanted to try and go to a thrift store to get some new clothes, but first we went to have lunch at Olive Garden!
She is a real trooper, I feel, and is taking everything in the greatest of strides, but each development is helping her and me, transition a bit faster, too. Like, a couple days ago she saw my panties and it made her really upset I think, but this morning I went to the bathroom and closed the door. While we were driving she asked, "Why did you close the door? You never close the door." And I was like, "Well, hun, it's cause I pee like a girl, and then I'd have to retuck afterwards and didn't think you'd want to see that." To which she asked, "You're not wearing girl clothes, why would you tuck?" and I had to explain to her that it feels so good and comfortable to do it. I think before, she might have thought that I was bearing some kind of discomfort as a result or something.
At Olive Garden, and we talked about general male etiquette at the table versus female, but for us specifically, I always admired how clean she would make her plates, but I never really observed how she eats. And I find that the approach she takes versus my own closely reflect that of a masculine mentality versus feminine. I still haven't gotten it much down(though I already love salads, and I'm good at those!) but I would always just take a bite, or spoonful, and just keep going. The most I ever considered about eating is like trying to balance separate entities on the plate so I don't get too much of a 1 note flavor. My wife on the other hand assess the general components of a dish, and decides the optimal way she wants to go about eating. And the rest is generally at the end, there's a lot of little bits here and there on my plate that are all spread out, and here's looked like someone wiped the dish down.
But, baby steps. I'm really just practicing bringing food up to me, rather than going down to it. I understand most people probably don't think about this sort of thing or care, but it matters quite a bit to me. Because I tend to have shaky hands, no matter the occasion, and that can make it difficult to eat 'normal' but it is improving. I mean sometimes when I apply nail polish my hands are their usual shaky selves, and sometimes I can keep them rather steady.
Anyway, I saw a DM that morning and I thought it was really good to share, so while driving to the thrift store I asked her to look at it. It made her very upset. She felt like her choices or actions were being criticized, and I was essentially being told to drop her cause she's dead weight to me(that isn't how I interpreted it at all!) but some real, REAL good came from it, because we got to talking more about the sexual issues between us.
And I do love her, and only her, but she had felt like our relationship was already that of like twins or something. I mean we connect really well in basically all aspects except sexual, and many of the things she lacks I have, and vice-versa; but one of those being the 'voice of reason' when things get heated emotionally, so that will be interesting down the road. But, while she is 'currently' not interested in a sexual relationship with me as a women, she isn't completely say it will be impossible, but she also doesn't like the idea of me wearing a strap-on, either. The idea(and I agree) of emotionally driven sex is to have open communication of the most honest sides of yourselves in an intimate way, and using a tool(though, ironically while equipped, I always just felt like a tool) disrupts that about it. She even said she'd be supportive and okay if I wanted to pursue physical or even romantic relationships if I eventually desired such a thing, as long as I remained a part of her life. And while I want nothing more to be only with her physically, I cannot deny the fact that I do desire to be 'taken' by a man, as a woman might fantasize.
Anyway, onto the thrift store!
So, I was very wrong in assuming I was a small in women's just because the shirts I bought at Walmart were smalls. But that ultimately helped us narrow down some of the choices made. The way things were organized was actually quite nice! (way better than Wally world) 1 long rack per size category and gradient in color. So we first tried like just getting 1 thing in each color, if I liked it.
At the beginning, she kept turning back toward me asking my opinion. I mean, they all look nice, I have no idea, and she quickly realized this and we worked together so I learned a bit more about clothes in general. But we grabbed about 30 different tops ranging from blouses and shirts, and weird hybrids of the two. Then she did something I wasn't expecting, she said I need to try them on.
It was obviously a weird experience for the both of us to be in a changing room, with me trying on girl clothes for the first time. I loved most of what I tried on, and struggled with some of the smaller ones. But despite all of it, I just didn't feel right or happy without my breasts and waist cincher. I had to seriously avoid looking at my face in order to not feel awful. But, ignoring the mirror, focusing on how I felt and just looking down at myself was the greatest feeling ever! When I brought up my concerns about my breasts to my wife, she did something I didn't expect and I think she didn't expect either, and she put her hands under my shirt trying to simulate breasts.
The result of that first round got me about 9 new tops is many different styles, too!
Next was bottoms, she was really unhappy with my choice of bottoms that i bought at Wally World(but havent worn yet) she was like, "That's only going to be able to go with very few kinds of things" and she had told me in the past about how black leggings go with almost anything, so that was one of the things we grabbed, then we also looked at some capri pants, and other pants. Then it was back to the changing room.
This was another big moment for the both of us, because she was going to see the full view of my panties/crotch while tucked. I imagine she was dreading it, curious about it based on what I'd said before, and all that, too. When I dropped my pants, I was a bit surprised that she didn't have a bigger reaction so I brought it up on the drive home; and she said it looked fine, kind of like a fat vagina, not exactly matching my body type, but it was really surprising to her and she was trying not to look. She also added(though somewhat in another context) that if I am ever trying to out-do her as a woman she will just drop her own pants and be like, "I have an actual vagina!" Now, this might discourage some ladies on her, but I just found it funny and so did she. To which I replied, "Need I show you my camel toe?"
Good times, anyway, we didn't get much else at the thrift store. Tried to look at shoes a bit, but decided against it cause she really doesn't like to think about wearing other people's old shoes, and frankly I can't blame her. Now, I have absolutely no idea what I am going to wear tomorrow! But my wife did say to me that I need to wear these one white pants with stripes that we got, so I will be mixing something with that. She even said she would like to see me wearing some of them with my breasts and stuff, but it just seemed a bit inconvenient and we went through alot already today.
Another thing that came up is she asked if there was anyone I don't want her to tell about it, and I honestly couldn't think of anyone. I don't know when I will tell me family, she suggested after my birthday in June, but couldn't come up with a reason why. And we started talking about one of our best and closest friends(even though I have not talked to them at all in like a year) Then luck would have it, they were on PSN and I told her, "Yeah. Let's go ahead and tell him!"
So she made a party, invited him, and joked after we waited a minute or two like, "Oh, I guess he's not coming" then he popped in lol I wasn't really ready to talk to him right away, but I did eventually. Anyway, he's a really cool guy, was one of my groomsman at my wedding(of which was basically my dad and my sister's husband) and we also went to his wedding. I tried pot brownies for the first time there, and it was Lord of the Rings themed, while ours was Disney...yes we are all huge geeks!
Anyway, he's going to be a daddy soon! And that is incredible! Then we told him our news, and it was surprising, but he was extremely chill about the whole thing we joked saying it might be like, "Was I eating a brownie?" and he did indeed allude to that a bit LOL Then my wife talked to him for awhile, I was still a bit shy(and I did not talk in my voice at all to either of them) but I did talk to him and I told him quite a bit, we got all caught up, it was really nice. And he asked for my youtube channel info and even said he'd spread the word about it! But, after going through some of the editing of these videos I really don't think my female voice sounds all that great, and I want to work on improving it even more! It makes me kinda nervous knowing my closest guy friend(who lives like a few states away from us) was going to hear that...I honestly wonder what his reaction might be. And I think once I finish Axiom Verge, the next game I play might be God of War, because it's really popular right now, I really enjoyed the older God of War games, and it will give me an opportunity to switch up the TransGaming dynamic. Right now Eryn plays Axiom Verge while John watches and does commentary(well, they both do commentary) but I think with God of War, John will play while Eryn gives most of the commentary. So, that notion seems pretty exciting to me!
But the steps taking with my wife didn't end there. Just a little while ago when we were hanging out in bed before she would go to sleep, I brought up how it's so nice to have her helping me, reminding her that I wasn't exactly making the best choices fashion(or cost) wise without her, she really hates the white/blue leggings I got at Wally world LOL And I brought up that I was willing to throw down $50+ for a corset to cinch my waist, so thank god I found the waist cinchers at Walmart for like $10, saved a lot of money. And this brought up that I had already bought makeup for myself, without her...probably making bad, expensive decisions lol
But going back to the cincher real quick, I showed her some images on my imgur account so she could see the difference with and without the cincher and why I need it despite she saying I'm already skinny. And well, she hate hate HATES my mask...in fact, she hates it so much that she might teach me how to do my makeup as early as tomorrow after I get my face threaded again lol
She found some big eyeshadow palettes on sale online for the next hour or so and ordered em for me, and pulled up some stuff on the crazy coupon lady app on her phone from Walgreens- and is basically already very much onboard with putting makeup on me. I think it's a combination of seeing how upset I was when I saw my face while trying on clothes, and how much she hates the mask (Oh, thank you, Mask! You continue to help me feminize myself!)
But one thing I kept stressing was the shadow, and she just doesn't understand it. So, it'll be interesting when we finally do that, but once that happens I will FINALLY replace my sexy anime avatar with an actual photo of myself(despite already taking and sharing numerous photos, lol)
Oh, and in other Susans-related news. Now that my wife knows, I have no reason not to use my credit card for stuff, so I finally was able to become a subscriber! <3
And I put my identity as questioning, but with my wife's support and how things are going, even though I do not currently want any GRS done(my wife said she'd still support me emotionally and financially with it) I do identify as female. And I will update my profile tonight to reflect this!
The rest of tonight, I am hoping to get some more Axiom Verge footage, but I'm worried if Ill be rusty(with my voice) or too tired to make commentary, but we will see!
I really am glad Susans exists, I can't say that enough. Having this platform here has done so much for me, and I love all of you!
Anyway, here is the next episode of my Axiom Verge playthrough(I also plan to adjust the audio again because it seems hard to hear the commentary sometimes):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcO1ur4qSRA
Much love to all,
Eryn
Took at least one big(and, to me, stupid!) step forward today... I went to work without my mask(still no makeup)
Anyway, to start things off, this is the outfit that I decided on today(it's wasn't too hot today, and I'm just not comfortable without something down my arms right now)
You can't tell because of the webcam, but the pants are white with little black vertical stripes down the whole thing.
(https://i.imgur.com/YHQ2Ufs.png)
Today was the day I was finally going to get a proper threading session, since my facial hair was too long last time.
Before threading:
(https://i.imgur.com/JRqm7iH.jpg)
After threading(they also waxed):
(https://i.imgur.com/aRLTnTP.jpg)
So, I finally got some beauty sleep today, the actual full 7 hours or sleep! Which also meant I was waking up right when my wife was about to get home. I decided to stay and hang-out rather than leave for work, so I could see her and it comforts her knowing the house isn't empty.
I was in my outfit with my breasts and the whole shabang. She asked if I like it, and said I look good, but it really seemed like she was holding back. She showed me a clip from the current season of American Idol of a transgender(or just drag) singer and my god, they are amazing. She says she wants to watch it now to see if she can win, because she's in the top 10!
This was definitely her way of showing support, and 'preparing' herself mentally for my voice, but for me, I felt like there's no way I could ever compare to a voice like hers, Jesus, she's phenomenal! So, I was really trying to push my voice today, it kind of feels like I hit a ceiling in my ability with it...but is it feminine enough? I'm really calling into question, I have basically lost all confidence in my singing, it's so hard to increase the volume when singing in a feminine way.
Anyway, so I get the threading done; they wax too, and I guess I was trying to do the shelf trick, but also didn't realize...hey girls! Don't try to keep your adams apple up and back while people have you reclined backwards in a salon chair! Cause I started to drown in my own saliva, and right when another customer came by, so that was pretty embarrassing. I am VERY pleased with the results of the threading, but my wife, not so much.
It's true, the people said to come back in two weeks and that's basically equating to around $80 a month for facial hair removal...I told me wife, as long as I can handle makeup(of which she might help me with this weekend!) then I am totally fine shaving. But I just felt so bad, like I was abandoning the nice people at the threading place for accepting me as transgender, but I mean, I'm also money to them, so I can't get too attached.
Speaking of money, I called back the lady who owns the boutique and they have discontinued the free seminars(bummer), and each lesson costs around $300...so definitely won't fly for me wife(and would only fly for me if I were seriously desperate!) Again, I feel bad saying goodbye to people who're nice to me, but it's a business. She seemed to understand and that was the end of it.
What I'm really happy and excited for is the news posted right here on Susans about Sephora hosting classes for free for transgender people starting soon! There's a Sephora's I can sign up for about a 2 hour drive from me! It makes me so happy, I want to cry; semi-professionals(assuming) who are sensitive to transpeople needs, actually wanting to teach us how to do our makeup. I most certainly will end up meeting another trans person while there, I would think- and that will be yet another first for me.
I want my wife to come and show her support, and she said she'd gladly do it, but not until July. So I guess I'm waiting again, ah well. If I can at least get foundation working this weekend then I'll be so much happier!
Anyway, back to the day. I was very pleased with the results of the threading, no shadow really at all! It made me so happy, and gave me enough confidence or courage to just go without the masks today! I may be a really, really ugly girl, but as my wife would put it, at least i don't have SARS anymore...
I talked to a few people, but it was really hard to get a read on them. I don't know if people thought I was a guy or an ugly woman; i think my outfit helped a bit, because it's definitely a female outfit, but it's not like super cute or sexy, it's more work-conservative, but again, I have no idea what people thought.
That was pretty much the day. I was going to capture some more, but I think I need to do a few other things. I really gotta be careful when I capture and how tired I feel when doing so(because it will always be around 4am after a long day)
I am, however, looking forward to the possibility of no longer needing to hide my face behind a mask.
I gotta do some editing and uploading before I share the next youtube video lol
Much love to all,
Eryn
About to head out today, first time wearing technically a dress...sorta?
but god, do I make one butt ugly woman in the face lol :'(
(https://i.imgur.com/sj3wXJZ.png)
And next episode is uploaded(I guess it takes much longer than I thought to upload to Youtube, so time consuming lol):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBuCQEITq9I
Cute dress!
Quote from: Eryn T on May 24, 2018, 03:04:36 PM
About to head out today, first time wearing technically a dress...sorta?
but god, do I make one butt ugly woman in the face lol :'(
(https://i.imgur.com/sj3wXJZ.png)
And next episode is uploaded(I guess it takes much longer than I thought to upload to Youtube, so time consuming lol):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBuCQEITq9I
Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk
Thank you, Cluck1992! I do really like the dress
Today was a bit weird for me, I guess because I won't say it was particularly good or bad. I definitely had a super low point, and some high and low points, too, but not a whole lot to talk about.
Since I stayed-up for my wife, and slept most of the morning/afternoon, I was able to greet her when she got home and before I headed out to work. It took me a bit to decide on which outfit, I tried mixing some things with the dress, but it just wasn't working for me.
Well, my wife probably had a really rough day at work, and coming home to me in a dress(despite it being a dress she picked out for me, and has said she wanted to see me in it with my boobs) just really set her off. And it's not all that surprising.
I mean, just think like working all day and super stressed, then arrive home only to be met with another large source of stress or anxiety. But still, I didn't want to not see her, and I had to work anyway.
While driving to work, I was noticing kind of excess mucus in my throat, and I was struggling to sing very well. So I looked info about it, found this external massage you can do, which I did and seemed to help some; and I also plan to elevate my head much more when sleeping. I think that will help a lot, because I notice I struggle A LOT with using my voice in the morning, and no doubt it's all the mucus just lying there from sleep.
Well, I felt good, I looked good aside from my face, and I was just about to walk in the door. But then the automatic door closed a bit in front of me, and I could see my reflection- and I hated it. Despite that, I pushed through and started working, trying to do what I could.
But after only about 15 minutes, I started to freak-out internally, and I felt a panic attack about to come on. So, before that happened, I rushed back outside and grabbed my mask and a cardigan from the car.
Before I had reasoned that I was fine with people thinking I was an ugly woman, but after seeing myself in the glass, I didn't feel like an ugly woman, I felt like an ugly man in a dress. And so, that was the first 'step back' i've taken thus far on this journey. Something I'm definitely going to talk about to my therapist.
The rest of the day was fine until I got home. My wife was planning on cooking one of my favorite things(of which, she hates) and I came through the door. She seemed upset or frustrated, and told me that she was dreading turning around from the stove to see me in a dress. I went and got changed. While I would rather keep wearing my new clothes, I feel like it's more important to not stress out my wife right now.
So, I guess in another way, too, I am taking another step backwards. But again, perhaps I was just trying to move too fast in the first place.
The one really good thing that came out of today is that I was wearing my new black leggings. And oh my god! Why didn't anyone tell me leggings were so comfortable?! Is this similar to what panty hose feel like? or fishnew stockings? Now I can't help fantasizing about all these materials rubbing against my skin. I mean, how different will it feel when my skin softens from HRT, too?
So, yeah, that was my day. I want to capture some tonight(and I still need to render/upload the next episode) but I think I probably shouldn't.
Oh, lastly, I almost forgot(and sad to end on a downer), I had said thanks to the thong appreciation thread that I was going to buy one when I was working next. Well, I looked, and I didn't see any thongs, I saw a lacy thing labeled as a thong, but I was thinking more like a thong bikini of sorts in my head...
Today's outfit:
(https://i.imgur.com/It10BQX.png)
I also had some severe breakouts in the face(the likes of which I have never had before) that really makes me upset. Hoping they go away, cause if they don't- well, I might as well become a stay-at-home mom or something lol
And here's the next episode of my Axiom Verge let's play:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmGItqgYLEs
Oouff...
Not that I think you guys would be upset with the lack of updates here, but I'm exhausted. And it really seems like there isn't much in the way of things currently happening. I have some small dates I'm waiting for, nothing super cool and big like starting HRT(or already on HRT), Orchi, FFS, or GRS. But small stuff, like the 3rd I'll get a makeup class at Sephora for trans people, my next therapy session is the 31st, and that's kind of it right now.
I'm really hopeful for this thing at Sephora's because i'm so tired of wearing a mask all day. It can't be good for my face, but I don't want to wear guy clothes and now that I've been doing it for several weeks, I basically shouldn't go back without causing more issues with the staff.
I was approached at one store(on a quick list, too) where a manager basically asked me for my name, company I work for, the whole run down. She said that people had seen me around(assuming employees) and were wondering who I was. I've been working at that locations 2-3 times a week for over a year. So, I guess that's a good thing? lol Maybe they really do think I'm a different person.
I mean, not much else really going on on the daily, but I'm really starting to connect with myself on my let's play channel lol It's really weird.
Well, this was my outfit for today. I was comfortable not needing to cover my arms(at least at the first location), too:
(https://i.imgur.com/RPrxypb.png)
I also realize these aren't exactly very good pictures or general representations of the clothing...lol
And the next episode!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzArxKSW9VA
These posts are great Eryn!
My two favorite outfits that you have posted are:
(https://i.imgur.com/sj3wXJZ.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/It10BQX.png)
Have a great day sweetie!
With Love,
Noelle
Thank you so much, hun!
I really do love that dress, but I'm very self-conscious of my shoulders for some reason. I mean, looking at the images, I don't think I need to be?
I don't know, so again, not a whole lot to talk about I think, still anticipating my next therapy session(on Thursday) and then soon after the makeup class for transgender people at Sephora's on the 3rd, which is going to be a pretty big step for me, I think.
No pic of outfit today(sorry!) but you're in luck, it was sort of a fashion disaster lol My wife even pointed out how the colors don't match at all xD
Anyway, I think partly because of the mixed nuts thing I discovered and just 'feeling' good in female clothes. I mean, literally, it's like a wash of relief or euphoria envelopes me when I put girl clothes on. That, by itself, probably helps with boosting my confidence. I was "Madam'd" when leaving a store today, but other than that, no one really approached me. But no one has pointed, jeered, or done anything rude to me, either- so I feel very luck but I am still anticipating it happening, just based on what I've heard from other gals on here.
Anyway, so I went to a hibachi restaurant for lunch with my wife, her mom, and her aunt. Her aunt doesn't know I'm trans, and she doesn't think she'll mind but trying to keep that stuff under wraps until after our Disney trip, her aunt will be coming to Disney with us in October(and like 6 other people, too) but it's going to be her aunt's last trip there. Judging from how my wife was referring to the trip and things in general, I don't think my initial plan was all that ill-conceived after all.
Anyway, on the way to and from the hibachi place, my wife turned on her Disney IHeartRadio track and it was the first time we've done that since she found out. She didn't say explicitly, "Go ahead and sing in your female voice" so I was basically didn't, I just sang along like usual. That is until a cover for How Far I'll Go came on, now...
i didn't sing in MY voice, but I was doing a TYPE of female voice- just going with it and having fun. The reaction I got was kind of hurtful, but also hilarious. I only got about 4 seconds into the song when she had this retracted face of confusing disgust and said, "Please don't tell me that's your voice. You sound like a Jewish Grandma!" Jewish Grandma?! What the heck? lol
Phew, besides that, the eyeshadow palettes my wife ordered for me online came in the mail today! We've both been really busy, but since she has Memorial Day off(even though I have to work) I wanna see if she'll be interested in helping me apply my eye shadow! ^_^
Also, I feel like women's clothes is akin to "Yeah, there's an app for that." SHe keeps showing me things that will work with other things, and help even more other things and it's like goodness! Men have tank tops(or A-shirts), and women have like 10+ different kinds, each with their own shapes and styles to them and like wow. I'm just trying to keep things simple for now, and use them to help some things because well, the shirt I WAS going to wear today is so sheer, that you could easily see my entire bra AND waist cincher underneath...no way I'm going out like that.
Before I link the next upload, real quick thing about how I most feel like a woman. To me, it really does stem from my voice. Obviously, I want the whole basic package of clothes, makeup and voice, but it feels like my emotions, expressions, and general mannerisms are locked behind the voice. It's very, very difficult for me to express myself in a feminine way without the inclusion of my voice. And my voice is one of the last(if not THE last thing before HRT) that my wife is willing to cope with. And I'm kinda nervous that the change in my general demeanor/attitude will be even more off-putting than the voice change. But this is something many of you all have gone through before, right?
Anyway, I guess that's it for updating this thread right now. And here's the next episode!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEUqpzDTs-o
Hello Eryn
I'm very glad to see how much you and your wife have grown together.
I was a little concerned for you at first not having her complete acceptance.
But now you're a team instead of an individual working towards your goal.
Having her on your side is going to be your biggest asset in every way.
And isn't it fun doing all that girlie stuff together with your soulmate.
I just wanted to congratulate you on this and it does seem like you're having more fun now.
Keep it up o,talkative one you are destined for your dreams.
Hugs, Tatiana
Your sharing has been very cute and relatable!
Thanks, Samantha! I love to over-share :D
Too bad things have been slow on the day-to-day basis. I understand many people had today off, well I worked basically all day lol Part of it, I was covering for someone else and just getting a bit extra money. Money for *THINGS!
But, since I rarely work at this location(once every few months to help out) I was much less concerned with being recognized, and I felt much more confident while working. So, I guess that is something I need to get over, but I think it will really take some mastery of makeup before I can truly shine. But I definitely could tell the difference, when I talked to people at the store I wasn't quite as timid with my voice, and that felt really, really good.
Even though, today, my voice hasn't been the best. I sort of wanted to make a video about it to share with people, but I don't know yet.
Oh, before I forget, this was my outfit for today: (I only have a few new clothes before stuff goes into circulation, so won't be seeing these pics as much until I get some new dresses or something </3)
(https://i.imgur.com/dyKID6W.png)
Also, I hope to get this room cleaned-up soon or maybe learn how to take a proper selfie because this webcam is not really showing the clothes off much lol
Anyway, that was basically my whole day! Also talking to several lovely ladies here on Susans, and popping in to a few discussions as a participant and/or lurker.
Did upload the next episode(now I'm out of footage again, so I should try to record some tomorrow):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eLF1w2NVTQ
That's it, have a wonderful week all you lovely people! BYeeeeee
*THINGS = referring to girly things.
(https://i.imgur.com/dyKID6W.png)
Hi Eryn,
I like this outfit. Your hips and waist look pretty feminine to me in this photo too. Lucky, lucky girl. :P
Have an amazing day sweetie.
With Love,
Noelle
Thanks, Noelle hun!
I do think that's like my favorite aside from the dress. I really do like that dress, but I gotta do something about my shoulders >.<
And you can thank my figure to a couple waist cinchers I picked up at Walmart, they were about $10 each; super cheap and work really well, I feel. My stomach largely keeps the shape even without them on now. You can also wear them while sleeping, I really like them, but I'm starting to get occassional stomach aches and bowels issues- I think they have something to do with it. Like, people say recommend only a few hours at a time, but I'm often working 14+ hour days with drive-time included, and I usually don't get to take them off right away when I get home. I got two, to try and retain some of the tension between them, but I think my waist is getting small enough now that it's not actually doing too, too much.
When I first used one, it was a size XL and, it DID actually tighten-up my waist some; which is damn surprising since the ones I have right now are both S, and they almost feel kind of loose lol I definitely advocate the use of waist cinchers, I love them. I was gonna spend $50 on a corset, cause I didn't know these exist, Im so F'N glad I couldn't find a corset LOL
Here's a comparison image for the cinchers:
BEFORE
(https://i.imgur.com/TYAprkP.png)
AFTER
(https://i.imgur.com/nUfTkLj.jpg)
(sorry, I don't have a direct comparison image; I should really get on that!)
I am a very, very lucky girl, so blessed, in so many ways, that I can't even begin to describe. I feel so bad for others who have major struggles and hardships in their life. I honestly do not feel I deserve what I have been given, by God, by my wife, and by all of you...but even so, I want to and need to transition so much, this is the first real thing I've done pretty much solely for myself. And, in turn, I've found that I have helped several other people along the journey, and they have helped me immensely, too! <3 you all!
I really shouldn't have been laying the whole "I work on Memorial Day and you don't" jab, because quite frankly I imagine mostly everyone worked today, but I didn't lol Which means I didn't get to wear my bra or waist cincher, but I did keep my female clothes under male ones. I just don't think I could ever just wear guy clothes again.
But A LOT of things were talked about today; essentially, my wife had 1 question after another and boy, were they some doozies of a questions! lol
She wanted to meet at a restaurant after work, and I got there first, she invited me over to her car and she was talking to another online friend we haven't talked to in years, I think. It seems like me being transgender is really like reuniting/rekindling many of our past friendships, which makes me VERY happy!
Anyway, this friend also came with us to the previous friend's Lord of the Rings wedding. She has stayed at our house a few times, up to several days. She was EXTREMELY supportive of my transition, and actually already has a FtM friend who she's discussed lots of stuff with, too. But, she was offering to come visit and also help me with my makeup and stuff! I could cry(and will, once Im on HRT lol), I'm so happy, I didn't think I had a real life girlfriend who'd do my makeup and stuff, like I've heard some gals have on here- but even in that way, I am yet again blessed. Please don't hate me, I love you all! <3 lol
Anyway, I told her about my Youtube channel and stuff, and she's gonna check it out. Lunch was good, but things got REALLY interesting when we got home....
So, something I used to always do on occassions(because I love the feel of my wife's body) is I would rub my wife's back and we watch stuff together. That has quickly become our go-to to keep her cool when talking about transgender things, and I am rubbing her back sometimes multiple times a day lol
Anyway, this time, she asked if it was alright if she watched one of my Youtube videos. And I was REALLY shocked! This would be her first exposure to 'my' voice...was it going to be any good? Will she think it just sounds like a guy? Will she hate it? I had no idea what to think...
She started watching episode 4, where there is almost no commentary as Eryn is just playing around without John(cause John was sulking) and it all sounded heart-wrenchingly awful to me. And I suggested her listen to a later episode with John, too; and things got weird.
She expressed that she was going to say lots of nice things about Eryn, but that all changed when she heard them both together. She felt like Eryn was a stereotypical valley girl and also a 'mean girl' and she hated that. While I admit, that I think alot of my feminine interests fall in the 'valley girl' category, I was hoping Im not channeling that sort of vibe, too much.
She was also very off-put that I expressed I love sarcasm(as John) and wish people would stop saying I don't understand it. Because that was something my wife always would dangle in front of my face and joke about with people; that they needed a sarcasm sign to hold, because I don't understand sarcasm. And in the past, it was an endearing quirk for me, to make others smile, but inside, I always wanted to make sarcastic jokes along with them(and I do think Eryn is pretty sarcastic at times during recording)
Then the conversation shifted. Previously we had discussed my wife's sexual feelings, but not my own. And this was a really strange conversation to have, and I felt like she was very confused throughout it. But I also think it was kind of entertaining, so I couldn't wait to share it with you all lol Let's just see how much I remember...
We talked about my more submissive approach as a sexual partner, and how that kind of put us at odds- because she was often the one to take charge more often than not in the past. And she was like, "So... you want like a phallic object in your butt?" And I agreed, that is what gives me the most pleasure. Describing the obvious differences between anally-induced orgasm versus only a penal one.
This confused her, she was like, "Wait...then are you gay?" And I explained that I am not attracted to masculinity, just penises. Whether it was fake or real, but of course, I definitely prefer a real one. So she tried to approach it a different way and was like, "Okay. Say, a few years from now and you were 100% woman full-time and everything, would you prefer a man or a woman with a strap-on or another transgender girl?" I really don't know, but I feel like I would prefer the man the most, but of course I would not be opposed to the other partners, either.
Then she made this weird example and asked, "There's a room of 5 guys and 5 girls, and you could pick 3 of any combination as sexual partners, would you pick 3 guys or 3 girls?" I picked 2 guys, and 1 girl. This obviously will not be a popular opinion, but I viewed myself as a tool or an object as a man in a sexual scenario, and at least right now, I view that for other men, too. And I wouldn't want to be alone with 3 tools with limbs, I'd rather have someone to share it with and indulge in each others own euphoric pleasure from the 2 men, plus there's just more variety that way, too.
I think that confused her even further, as she was expecting a different answer maybe. I also didn't realize that she tried to insert anal beads into my ass early on in our relationship, she pointed out that I hate it. So, this got her to asking more about how I 'please' myself. Things like how often, and with what tools.
So, I explained how before my transition I used to get random erections daily, and always morning wood, but shortly after I began this path, I have not had to deal with anything like that. And prior to her finding out about my transgender status, I was sort of 'training' my ass occasionally, yes it's very pleasurable, but I also didn't want to end up in a situation where I couldn't enjoy myself if she did want to entertain the thought of her with a strap-on or something else.
She asked how it works, like I just stick something in my butt and stroke like normal. And I explained to her, that my methods of achieving an orgasm have changed dramatically, too. The stroking is more from the in-out motion of whatever is in my ass, but the only stimulation I give my penis is by rubbing the tip/urethra in a circular motion. She was like, "Does it just dribble out while anally stimulated?" ANd I explained that, while it certainly can, I have yet to achieve ejaculation without stimulating my penis in some way, but that I am quite flaccid, even when it does happen.
Then she asked what I was using; and I started that off with, lube is a must, and why it hurt a lot in the past is cause no lube was ever used. And even one time, she wanted to try anal but no lube was used and it was just a bad experience for the both of us. So, I told her the first time I used a kitchen tool, I don't know the name of it so I couldn't point it out. And she was like, "We need to throw that away!" And I was like, "I used a condom, obviously, and washed it thoroughly." But she seems very adamant about the sanitation going on here. When I did use that tool, I only used it once, because let's just say I used a very, very not good tool for the job- and the initial end result was a VERY bloody mess. Then I went on to talk about this bathroom toilet scrubber brush handle thing, and now what I've been doing about once a week is buying a cucumber from the grocery store im working at, and using that.
And she was like, "But cucumbers are HUGE!" Yes, yes they are. She seemed very dizzy from the entire conversation. And now, it seems like this weekend we might be going to an adult shop(or just order online) getting her a new vibrator and me, a dildo lol Preferably one with a suction so I can bounce on it in the bathtub; that last bit were her words, not mine lol but I definitely don't oppose to it!
The thing is, she just kept asking question after question, and I feel like it was all a bit overwhelming for her all over again.
I don't have any new gameplay footage to post; I might capture some tonight, though. It depends on if I'm too tired to use my voice properly or do commentary at all, and also if I get all my work done for my indie game that I want to today.
Despite it sounding like she'd be really upset from the conversation, she was just very confused and curious, so I don't think it was a bad thing at all. And I'm glad I got to share with you all, too!
Much love,
Eryn
So, not exactly what all I'll say here, but it's been a very interesting 24 hours for me.
I got to talking to a member here on Susans that I thought hated me, and they were very nice. I tried raising the pitch of my femme voice, and I was pleased with the results, I made a video about my voice journey for youtube in the hopes that it might help others find confidence in their own voices, and my wife sort of reconciled with her friend and explained the possibility of a divorce down the road.
So, I don't know how much I want to expand on each topic, really, I mean, not my usual talkative self(I am very tired and its going to be a loooooooong day >.<)
I found that when I raised the pitch of my normal female speaking voice, that if the resonance was off, it was much more noticeable, which allowed me to make the right adjustments to correct it; and I am much happier with it, too. I think it will suit my scatterbrains, spastic, and super talkative personality more than my other one did, possibly. But it really hasn't changed much, but it's also easier to be louder which is very good, too.
I made a video on youtube talking about what I went through with training my voice(I am obviously not done, but I felt like usually people make these videos after they've had their for voice for years and stuff, and I wanted to offer hope and encouragement to those who are just starting to work on their voices) You can watch the full video here, and see my ugly as sin face, too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvqbWX7RS4Y
As it turns out, my wife's friend was upset about my wife's choices, but wasn't aware of my status, and is aware now. I basically am not allowed to present as female(even after HRT) around her kids, apparently. But now that she knows, I can at least go back to the nail salon place by her! (yay!) Things are going to change for me physically and emotionally, and my wife explained how divorce is not completely out of the question. But we also never want to be a day without one another, either. We're going to try and see if we can get an annulment to the marriage, since I'll be a different person technically, and that way we don't have to go around telling people we got a divorce constantly, because there's a ugly stigma that goes along with that word.
The reason we would even break that contract, but remain together is because I am a willing, turned reluctant cuck(look it up) thanks to my transition and that was the secret I was only sharing in DMs with those who asked, but there's no reason to keep that info from y'all anymore.
Today will be my 2nd session with the therapist, and so much has happened already! I didn't actually upload to my youtube yet before then, my wife didnt know my status, I had no women's clothes yet back then....just wait 'till she gets a look at me now! lol
Have a lovely day, everyone!
(Im processing the next Axiom Verge video right now, probably won't be able to upload to Youtube until tonight, though)
Now, it's truly my memory that is failing me lol Today I went to my 2nd(but my 1st was only 15min long) session with my therapist, and we talked alot, I put out a lot of fires as-it-were lol Then talked with my wife about telling my family, and also might be getting laser hair removal for my face. Still not sure on that last one.
I'm trying to learn how to hold the phone to take selfies...do I dare buy a selfie stick? I'm somehow more embarrassed about buying a selfie stick than a dildo... Anyway, here was today's outfit(much better for this weather!):
(https://i.imgur.com/TaHUroY.jpg)
So, if you're seeing this post then you probably already knew about the voice video thingie I posted to youtube. I did that after a really long day, recording around 4am the next day, and I only got like 1 hour of sleep before my session. I actually overslept past my alarm, but miraculously, I woke up like 15minutes later. It was like my body was like, "You've been waiting for this for weeks! GET THE F--- UP!" lol
So, I went and saw with my therapist. Alot of what I went over I have already talked about here. She pointed out that my nails look nice, as well as my eyebrows, that I speak in a very feminine way(not just in sound), I act completely female, too. Like I've said before, it seems like mannerisms just come naturally to me.
I told her about my situation as a cuck, and how that is impacting my relationship. But everything has basically already been resolved between my wife and I on where we stand with our sexualities and it really is a "wait and see" situation to what the future may bring. I also talked about my wife's sexuality, versus my own, and after going over the same example of 5 men and 5 women that my wife thought-up, she wanted to explore the possibility that i might be asexual; at least for now.
And I think, right now, I would say I definitely am. Part of the reason I don't currently wish to have bottom surgery is because I was never attracted to the sight of vaginas, and I think that was just an alien sensation from unfamiliarity with them that grew into a psuedo-fear. I was (and am) always more comfortable with penises, but at least at first it wasn't like I loved them. It was more like, it was something that wasn't so foreign in nature to me, I felt like I could really get a handle(lol) on them, y'know?
And that was part of why, growing up, I thought that I must be gay. But the first time I really had the opportunity to truly interact with others was online in Final Fantasy 11. I had originally cooked up a huge backstory for my character along with my brother, but it all went out the window when I finally 'talked' to people.
You all might know me as the talkative one, but as I said in my original post, I did anything but when I was younger. I always was ashamed or sad by my appearance, I thought it was only because of my glasses and acne, but it very well could have been the basis of my dysphoria back then. Anyway, so let's just say I wanted to be EVERYONES friend, no, actually, everyones SLUT. I flirted constantly, as a male character, to both women and men, and also lying saying I was a hermaphrodite in real life. (that last bit I had totally forgotten until typing the past two sentences)
And what I learned about myself, how I view love or romance, is I tend to appreciate a slower, calmer, more subtle approach- and of course, I view love and sex in two completely different boxes. I have no idea what to think when my brain get's rewired, though. The kinds of moments I always wanted from a relationship were like laying on grass, looking up to the stars...stuff like that. And I have said in the past that I don't think the sex of the person I fall in love with really matters to me; obviously, I'm not in love with them for their penis/vagina/other, I'm in love with every other bit of them. I am, however, in lust with their no-no parts. lol
I have always been anxious, I guess? But I didn't know it was a thing. It didn't bother me when I was younger, because I always had a game controller in my hand, preventing my hands from shaking so much and basically relying on the fantasy of games to support me. When that largely stopped, I had 2, well 3, really bad habits to my anxiety. 1, I would roll dirt, hair, or things like mucus constantly between my fingers up into tight balls that actually got quite hard and sharp as a result. 2, I would scratch my head constantly, and always be holding my forehead(i really wish I didnt do that before) and 3, I would sit in such a way(that I cant even describe, and sitting here now, I don't remember how to do it, but I used to do it literally 90% of the time) that you'd think I was a cat or something, as there is no way anyone in the world can be comfortable sitting in such a way.
Once I began my transition, and felt the world come to life for the first time in I think forever, these anxiety quirks just vanished. I don't do them anymore, I don't need to rely on them anymore.
So, I think for the therapist, there was basically no real baggage that I was holding onto that needed sorting out first. I was presenting completely as a female(and doing it quite well, despite no makeup or HRT), and it's obviously having positive physical, emotional, and spiritual effects upon me that she just said, well let's get to starting HRT for the next session.
I am SUPER EXCITED!!! but also, my wife is very clear that she really doesn't want me to start HRT until after our Disney trip in October-November. But, she might change her mind if I am presenting 100% female all the time, anyway, possibly.
Anyway, so I was very tired, but had to work. I talked to the regional manager at a fast food chain because they screwed up our order and gave my wife a diet coke instead of coke. Now, this might not seem like a big deal to most of us, but my wife is very allergic to aspartame which is the most common form of sugar substitute in commercial sodas. She took 1 sip, and got really sick that night; thankfully, nothing life-threatening.
One thing I was not happy about today was when I went through the drive-thru at Wendys next to the place I was working. I was in my car, tried to recede inside a bit but without my face mask, and after I got my food the girl paused and then started laughing at me. This is why I use a mask right now, very annoyed. My wife is adamant that going without the mask would be much better even without makeup, cause if it was her she was like,"Ohh~ They're such a brave little soul!" versus, "OMG! I need to get away from them asap, whatever SARS they have or something!" but I doubt other people would be so caring on a transgirl just trying her darnedest.
When I got home, my wife entertained the thought of telling my family(sister, father, mother, extended family; in that order) So far, each time we've told someone it was basically 1-to-1, and I think that's really the best method, right? It makes it more personal, and you can kind of argue you can begin to build support around you with each additional person. I have no doubt in my mind that my sister and father will accept it, my mother I believe will but she will be more torn-up about it, too. And I think some of my extended family will be alright, and others will just want to disown me.
See...when my brother committed suicide, it was after my parents had separated, and he went to live with my mom for about a week before he went missing. Ever since then, my mom occasionally called me by their name, instead of my own. And because I was so alike to my brother in many ways, people clustered around me, fearful that I would end my own life as well.
Then lastly my wife looked-up a groupon or something for laser hair removal; and I think it would be awesome to not worry about covering my shadow, and realistically I would have gotten electrolysis or laser removal eventually anyway, just many not so soon I thought.
That was kind of my day. I am glad I get to share all this stuff with you guys, if you can relate or not, or if helps you, that makes me truly happy. It also seems like Amber was removed from Susans? If someone knows the details, I would very much like to know what happened! Please DM me! I was in active DMs with her and now I have no way of reaching her. I'm concerned, is all.
And I did upload the next Axiom Verge episode, though very little ground is made in this particular episode lol:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KboN58ZWEKk
Have a wonderful evening all!
Much love,
Eryn
So, it's been awhile since I updated. I kind of hope I can remember anything important(if its important, why would I ever forget? lol Well, reasons...1 being ME!) Anyway, I also understand that I tend to overblow very tiny things in my daily life, I think it's because in reality, I am still, very, very boring of a person. Really hoping that starts to change when I take off my mask and grow real boobs and can really express myself more not just on Susans.
So seems like the last thing I posted about that was semi-major was my 2nd therapist session, and that morning I also made a video about how I've been working/finding my voice and hoping that can give courage to other transgirls who are concerned about their own ability. (should I also include that I can't whistle? I'm like REALLY bad at stuff)
Since then I think the only really major thing to happen is coming out to my sister, going to Sephora's for their first transgender-aimed class, and feeling a bit down with the emotionally-driven things that my wife says to me sometimes. Oh, and I'm starting to do my makeup everyday now, but it's not going the best and I will get to that, lol
Of my family, there are only a few that I really want to come out to myself, after them, they are welcome to tell whoever and whatever way they wish. They are: my sister, my father, my mother, and my aunts(who are lesbians) and in that order. I think I'm fortunate that I won't receive much backlash or criticism from them, but others in my family...I am doubtful they will be supportive at all. I know many girls on her deal with truly torn-apart families, and I've seen some cases recently on Twitter, and it really breaks my heart. Once again, I feel like I am blessed, and similar to Lucca feeling 'privileged' I do feel privileged when it comes to transgender girls. It makes me, at least a little, ashamed of any obstacle I face, because I know you all are dealing with much bigger things, and it makes me feel like do I deserve to continue my transition, but there's just no way I cannot at this point. Everything feels so much better, so much clearer, and I just actually enjoy life- I hope other girls never give up on themselves over something small, and it breaks my heart when they're faced with overwhelming hardships and see their only option as detransitioning...
So, I decided to make some time for my sister, providing a good amount of time to go over any questions. She was at first very concerned, but i assured her that I don't need to talk to her right away and would like it when we'd have a decent amount of time to talk. So I told her, and shared some info about my Youtube personas and Susans, too. She definitely didn't seem enthusiastic, but she seemed to be more angry at anyone 'trying to hold me back.' Despite having our eldest sibling suffer from gender dysphoria and commit suicide over it, I still think everyone in my family is very much not educated on some aspects. What I also learned(mostly, remembered, because I forgot) from her was that my brother had gotten laser hair removal a few days before he went to live with my mom, and he had been self-medicating on estrogen pills. No doubt, his hormones were very unbalanced, couple that with his situation, the sparse community at the time, and a clueless family, it's no wonder he was driven to suicide. And it's no wonder that I think my family is VERY afraid that I will be doing the same.
After hearing that again, it did make me quite a bit nervous to go on HRT. I mean, I used to think about killing myself all the time(that is normal teenage angst, right?) but I knew I was always a coward to go through with it. That is why I would joke about enrolling myself into the army to find an honorable death(and one that was somewhat out of my hands) but I also know that while I thought about suicide, it lurked like just below the surface- unreachable. Something else laid just below the surface, too, and that is Eryn(and all my emotions). I'm very nervous in the shower now when shaving, thinking I might accidentally cut my wrist. And now I'm very concerned that if I am particularly depressed about something, unable to control the heightened sense of emotions that I might actually do such a thing. I hope it is just in my head and never comes to pass, for obvious reasons. But it is still a fear, and maybe one totally unjustified with how blessed I am as a transwoman, but still...a fear.
Enough of that, so the big day came to go to Sephoras. Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned it in my last update, but after straining my voice and not getting enough sleep, I had a very, very sore throat(and still do, days later) part of that was continued lack of sleep(also why I havent updated in awhile) because I was just so so busy! And now, I can't tell if it's actually a sore throat, I was able to use my voice just fine today(still needs work, obviously) so I think what's in my throat could be like an infection of sorts which has slowly begun to shrink and heal, or its like a cancur(sp) sore just way, way down in the back of my mouth, almost at my throat. Cause my whole throat doesn't ache, just a very tiny section on the left side.
Back to Sephoras. It was quite the drive(and I was tired driving back from it, even though I had another 10 hours of work to do >.<) I got to the mall early, but this place was friggin HUGE! It reminded me more of an airport than a mall. I was at the spot they suggested, the lesson was at 9am and the doors said they don't open until 11am. So I was very confused. I walked around looking for a general entrance, and it was stupidly cold and windy and my dress was flapping all over, my hair a mess(i lost my brush, found it now though!) and just really starting to get down about the whole thing. So I called, and they're not open yet so no answer, and then I called again and pushed the button for a beauty expert and got through to someone, they said the general entrance is open and then we lost service. So, now I was on a mission to find this elusive general entrance!
Time was ticking, they told me to come at least 10 minutes before 9, and I wasn't even inside the mall until after that. I was freaking out, sweating, I didn't know what to expect, I eventually found the entrance and was able to get a parking spot easily in the morning(Thank goodness!) I rushed inside, heading towards the general landmark(being Nordstroms) to where Sephora's is near, the shape of the mall made it a bit difficult to know if I was going the right way, and I for the life of my couldn't find a friggin directory! My head was spinning, then I noticed a lot of girls sitting in one spot away from the food court, and then I saw Sephoras. It was now 9:07, but they had now opened their doors yet. I have made it in time.
Sitting down, I was my usual nervous self, I wanted to go up and mingle, but I mean, I don't know what to say, I'm just desperate to make friends and be friendly with others because I enjoy other people's interests, ideas, and company, but I just sat there. I also noticed, while almost everyone was dressed, not a single person was wearing a mask. I felt ashamed of myself, for lacking the courage(that I try to give others) to show my real face, these girls were much braver than I. I quickly took my mask and stuffed it in my breast pocket.
Then the doors opened, and we started flooding in. Sephoras was like a wonderland inside! (Im so sorry I didnt take any pictures inside >.<) and they offered treats(fruits, veggies, various crackers) and I got a name tag along with my preferred pronoun. Up until that point, this was not something I dealt with head-on. Yes, of course I want to be female, seen as female, and referred to as female, but I am also perfectly fine with people who knew me before my transition referring me in male pronouns. And I also doubted how I looked and felt at that moment, "Am I just a man in a dress? Or am I transitioning female?" I put down F, and it felt really good. Then we were guided over to our beauty stations.
I get the feeling many of us were very uncomfortable. I kind of felt a bit like cattle, since I just seemed very sheepish in every way, I would have literally agreed and obeyed whatever was asked of me in that moment lol By the way, there was quite a few girls there! I'm very proud of them, I sat next to Teagan and her wife Kathy, they were an older couple and it was really nice to have them there. I think Kathy helped break me out of my shell a bit as we did some small talk, she liked my dress and that made me happy. But it was also very hard to get a read on her feelings about everything, she seemed very sad(like that internet historian guy's face) very supportive, and very lively. On the outside, she seemed way more supportive than my own wife is now. But love grows and changes, especially with dealing with your own transitions and they had been together for 20+ years, so I don't think I can or should jump to any conclusions here.
The lesson wasn't quite what I expected, and 2 aspects weren't covered that I really wished were, being: our beard shadows, and eye shadow/stuff. In fact, the lesson itself, could have just been for women only and it wouldn't have changed. The only thing that they touched on(which I heard about originally from Susans) was to be cautious of certain types of skin treatment(I always forget the terms) like APA or what not while on hormones, and that was basically it.
I would say the majority of what was taught, I had already learned from various folk here on Susans. Things like, skin care is just as important if not more than what makeup you're using, etc. But I did learn a lot of tiny things that many makeup videos on youtube just don't talk about(or they're heavily assumed) but some seem so specific, that I doubt they can be assumed.
For instance, the area around the eye is delicate and breaks blood vessels easily so when applying stuff around the eye(like eye cream or primers) use your ring-finger, because there isn't as much strength in it due to 1 less tendon.
Primer has always been told to me that it helps your makeup last longer and go on smooth, but I never really understood why. And they explained primer as essentially wet cement for your face, that you roll across your pores and it fills in the ridges so that when you're using makeup later, it is going on a smooth(rather than rocky) surface. I think this helped me internalize primer better, and realize the one I'm using is just awful for me lol
When applying foundation, I used an angled brush. The demonstrator taught me the proper way to hold the brush to get the kind of application that you desire, and it seems to be slightly askew rather than trying to lay one entire side of the brush flat against my face. I think that is because doing so applies too much, too quickly in one spot and makes it hard to blend later.
On that same note, they suggested I do some larger, broader strokes with foundation at first, then go back in once basically all the product is off the brush to blend it all, and I found that quite helpful.
I can never tell how much is too much or not enough or anything like that when it comes to powder substances, and I know to tap off excess, but like how much? Well they said you want a 'dusting' on the brush, and showed what it looks like. And the demonstrator told me what they do with powders is 3 semi-hard swipes toward the body(while still in the container) and then a swivle motion and then tapping off the excess. And I also found that really helpful.
It was terrifying and frustrating, but also probably for the best that I did my own makeup in this class, and not really get application from the experts. Some girls(at least 1, in particular) foundation looked AMAZING! And this one girl's lipstick was WAY on point, that was definitely not their first time putting on lipstick lol
I think I stumbled around with my product(i made quite a mess!) and was really struggling with the application, but in the end it didn't look all that bad. Unfortunately, I have a smile like the joker and now I feel those suicide urges rising again...Anyway.
(https://i.imgur.com/haE3uwv.jpg)
I recorded basically the whole 'lesson' and I also recorded all the time I spent applying makeup to myself, I planed to upload it to Youtube and then when it's there, Ill post it here, too.
Oh, last but not least we all got a nice care package from Sephora that was completely unsuspected! It has like, I'm guessing $60 or more worth of sample sizes of various stuff! Was so happy to have this, and I also signed up for their version of a lootcrate subscription, because I found the product I used(mostly NARS) to really work well, while what I use at home(mostly Maybelline) just doesn't work well for me. Anyway, here's a pic of the bag and all the stuff that was inside! (crap! I also got some blush from NARS int he package, but I forgot it in the bottom of the bag, so it is not shown in the pic here, sorry!)
(https://i.imgur.com/9JQZ8zI.jpg)
It was a bit scary, too, at Sephora's because we were situated right near the big glass see-through walls of the shop(which makes sense, they see people doing makeup and it gets customers going inside) and I didn't put my mask back on until I got to work. And it felt like there might have been ridicule when many transgender women started flooding out of a makeup shop all at the same time. Almost like we were a parade or something in the mall, but it quickly dispersed so that feeling died down, it was just not something I was expecting.
I know I said in the past that I wear the mask because I cant wear makeup, let me rephrase that now. I wear the mask because I do not look female in any way, and makeup proved that to me ultimately. It hurts, and I am trying to see if I can wean off the mask,, but I don't think I will be able to ditch it entirely until on HRT for a year or more or however long it takes to see changes in your face.
Shopping-wise, I bought a pack of microfiber bikini panties, and these are literally the BEST! Still haven't found a proper thong, though. Why wife has been helping me find various stuff online, like a pair of tank tops, a wristlet, a skirt, amongst other things. Today I got my manicure and also got my nails painted for the first time! I love it, but I had really wished I would have been more descriptive with the color I wanted lol I was just so afraid to sound weird that I don't try to talk much. My wife and I are helping her grandma move this year and one of the days we're coming over is this Saturday, so I wanted my nails to be shorter for that, and as a trade-off, painted :p This woman can be quite the villain to her own family, and she's the type of old person that doesn't see the harm in slavery...so yeah, I am not about to come out to her anytime soon lol
Here is a pic of my nails with the wristlet, I got. Colors don't really match, I WANTED a light lavender-like color, and they saw purple lol(I thought the stereotype was men don't recognize a large color palette, but women do?):
(https://i.imgur.com/Msh43Yf.jpg)
I'm also trying to wean myself off of these adhesive bras. I don't think they are meant to be worn daily(I do clean them, every single day) because I am starting to build-up a rather nasty looking rash on my chest that is ugly and unsightly. I've been using some Cortizone cream on it though, and seems to help. Similar to my waist cinchers, so I'm trying to wear layers of clothing so the bras and cincher aren't actually touching skin(and that is what has been recommended online, anyway for cinchers/corsets) Oh, and I got a strapless bra, which is very nice, but shows just how much I think I don't know where my boobs are supposed to be, because it pressed HARD into me, and hurts a lot sometimes.
Now, onto some relationship stuff. I'm been a bit down and feeling less validated than ever before by my wife lately, and it sucks. She IS supportive, but similar to how I DID things for her, rather than show my feelings; she is doing the same, but kind of opposite. It's not uncommon for her to be yell at me about how supportive she is being, and then crack jokes about how I'm not allowed to be a woman if x-y-zed. Or that I'd make a lousy woman, and I mean, it never occurred to me, but yeah it clearly shows she doesn't or can't see me as a woman.
When I talked to my sister after, my wife explained something to me, that I thought I understood very well by reading various posts here on Susans including the SO sticky one, but I guess I didn't. While I am not leaving her, or dying, there are some thing, some major things that she was attracted to that brought us together and I am removing them. For me, the same had occurred in the past in her case, but something minor like maybe we play different games or like different shows, but this was major, and the most major thing of all is my face and my voice- which is why she's so apprehensive about HRT.
She has basically said that I am not allowed to use my voice until I present as a woman 100% of the time, and that makes sense to me; to keep me from feeling like a frakenstein's monster or homonculus. We met on World of Warcraft, and she is most familiar with my voice since we talked a lot over distance the first year or so of our relationship. To lose that is a really big thing for her, even though I really don't like my old voice. I can see why this isn't as big of a deal for many transwomen, simply because if they have significant others, they didn't experience that initial connection or spark with them over their voice, I'm guessing.
But another part of this really feels like the "same ol' song and dance" before it was "How can you be so <blank> you should <blank>" and "I love you but <blank>" and now it's more like "You can't be a woman if you <blank>" and "You're not allowed to be a woman, since you <blank>" part of it is her venting her own frustrations, I know, but it is starting to chip away at me, and I'm sure soon, I will let her know I really wish she wouldn't blame all of my individual faults on my transition. Another part of me thinks I'll wait until I'm on HRT for awhile, and it'd be almost impossible(I hope) to see me as anything other than a woman. And then I'd be like, "Tough luck! Because I am a woman!"
I haven't been on Susans as much, but I increased my activity on Twitter some, found some really fun and cool transgirls to follow and talk to. I enjoy it alot, it started with a tweet just complimenting those of us not on HRT yet, and I found many accounts through that to follow. I still post/retweet weird or funny stuff, but I also have been more involved with emotional and semi-political stuff, too. I learned what TERF stands for, and I am quite shocked. When I said there were toxic forms of feminism in my initial post, I wasn't expecting something like that. Eliie(Roll) initially told me that #PeakTrans was taken over by TERFs, but I didn't know what those were at the time. Oh and can I say, I'm slightly irked that I see 1 account post a trans-oriented meme, and it gets like 300 likes and 60 retweets when I post them I can't even get 1 like >.<
I know this isn't true, because I have met some wonderful ladies here on Susans, but it sometimes really does feel like I am the ender of conversations or the one no one wants to be around. I think it's because I get too intimate or passionate with the details of things and it tends to overwhelm people..
I haven't captured any more Axion Verge footage in several days, trying to get caught up on work-related stuff and rebalance my schedule to improve my overall skincare routine and include makeup, while doing more Twitter stuff, too lol Oh and I want to start practicing drawing again, so there's even more precious time siphoned :p I plan to make a picture that will be mostly for Susans, but I'll post on Twitter, too. Maybe if I start drawing more, people might like it(and me!)
It's hard to know if I'm annoying, playing the wrong game, just bad, or just unknown on Youtube because I have like 140 views total with over 100 being from my voice video. And like 400 or so minutes watched(with each video averaging about 25min in length and there being 17 of them right now) means like most people probably close the video within a few minutes. This is not at all how I consume content on Youtube, so I'm really curious, is that what normal people do?
Anyway, like I said, I'll try to post the video from Sephora's soon, and I also was planning(and do think ill do this when I find the time) to make an audio version of this blog, and put that on soundcloud. This is something I already do at my indie company, because I understand people are more passive in consuming content, while reading is slightly more engaging for them. If there's a long news story, blog post, or just post in general on social media, how likely it is someone is going to sit down and read it all? Not likely, I think, but I do think it's more likely that if someone reads it or has video and it's 10-15min long(or 1hr in the case of podcasts) that they're more receptive toward it.
So here's the next 2 episodes of Axion Verge, and I hope to begin recording more very soon!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DX1_PPU-dw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wPtFI0lerc
ON A SIDE NOTE, MAYBE I NEED TO STOP INCLUDING THE TAG "TRANSGENDER" IN THESE VIDEOS, EH YOUTUBE?! /micro-rant
Micro-update, lots of stuff happened today, but nothing substantial in terms of my transition; it was a rough day, with more car issues.
Okay, so I had planned to work like 12-14 hours today, and I didn't get to work at all. Fantastic. Now the rest of the week is going to be even more crowded, ugh and while I'm trying to get over my sore throat, too!
My car for the past week now has been doing this really weird thing where after I turn it off and pull the keys out of the ignition, it continues to run. For up to 5 minutes sometimes, I tell people this and they are so confused.
Well, today I was having some difficulty accelerating on the highway(it WOULD still accelerate, though, sometimes) and when I pushed on the gas pedal there was like a rapid rattling in the hood that I could hear, but I wasn't dragging anything(it sounded similar to dragging something). Then when traffic slowed and I had to go like 20MPH, acceleration stopped completely and it was almost like I was in neutral, so I pulled off to the side, and turned off the car then tried to turn it on several times, and it wouldn't go.
Had to call AAA, go to mechanic, call work and reschedule things, it was a whole big mess. I had a change of male clothes(that I just wore on top) in the car, but it seemed like people were very thrown off by my purple nails. They never pointed or talked about it, just lots of 'double-takes' today heh heh
While I was riding in the tow-truck, I was looking up what stuff this sore throat might be if it's not just a normal sore throat. ANd I think it's pharyngitis...which as I learned is just the technical term for "sore throat" lol but if it persists for another 4 days or so, i'm gonna go have a doctor take a look at it.
I've been trying to transfer the videos I took at Sephora's from my phone to my google drive so I can upload them, but I have to be on wifi(which I can only do at my desk at home) and it seems to take forever. So, those are still coming, just won't be available yet.
So yeah, today was car trouble and still got a sore throat, blaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
Hello Eryn
Just had to jump in and let you know how good my wife and I both think you look. Wow
We are both looking forward to your real picture in your avatar and I'm sure it'll be awesome but of course only when your comfort level allows.
And thank you very much for sharing your gift with speech I think that's so sweet of you for your practical advice most of us could benefit from.
My wife and I are still pulling for your relationship to continue to keep growing and know that it can be done as you have read how many SO,s remain together. Just moving baby steps as you are, and letting time help to working things out is possible, at least this is what happened to my marriage where I thought after I got married at age 25 all of my original thoughts would disappear but of course they did not, but I broke it out slowly over a year I would say and we've been together for 37 more so just know it can be done.
All the best you sweetheart. See ya Tatiana
See ya, Tataina
Thank you so much, Tatiana! You and your wife are very sweet!
Yeah, it's kind of silly having myself in full view in a video for 20min+ but no avatar yet but :p
This process has taught me so much about myself(for obvious reasons) but also about relationships, too. I'm sure my wife and I will be alright when all is said and done, but the seas can be turbulent at times. I think my 'bare all' mentality of story-telling has certainly cause some distress for her. I feel like we're growing closer than ever, though, just no sex for obvious reasons lol
Anyway, the only real major update to report is a going to be a bit of backstory and info all about my mother. This past Monday I told my mom I was transgender, and it has been the first time someone wasn't very supportive. Not super hateful, but mostly in denial. The conversation seemed to be her repeating the same line, "Well, yes, but that doesn't make you transgender..." My wife was there with me listening to the conversation, and said she found it both infuriating and hilarious.
So, time to go waaaay back, and trigger warning for religion: Christianity.
I was born and raised Christian, and I still believe in the virtues of Christianity, but I wouldn't say I'm devoutly religious. My father is Atheist, and my mother is one of those Christians who can't go a single sentence without mentioning their religion in some capacity.
When I was younger, I think I was in a public school until my mom could find a Christian one she felt was more in-line with her belief system. That school was the scenario I remember being a bully toward 'ugly' kids, but then when I had acne develop and needed to wear glasses, my bully system I had built around myself collapsed. I was basically a traitor, and therefore kept none of my former 'friends' and could not become friends with the people I bullied or anyone. I emotionally latched onto any new students, who often were quickly told about my past bullying and I just distanced myself more. Then my mom decided public school had failed and put me, and my two other siblings into a private christian school.
Now, this school was small. Kindergarten to 12th grade, and only about 23 students total. So 4th graders were in the same classroom as 8th graders. All the teachers were women, all of them were related to one another, and none of them were qualified to teach, but taught anyway. I remember my first day very clearly. I was the new kid the new kid this time, and I don't remember students being particularly mean or anything, but I remember the first thing I did was go hide under the teacher's desk and cry. Then I fell asleep. I don't want to get too deep into what happened there, just the relevant stuff to my religion, my virtues, and my identity.
Faith scare of the End Times
Devalue of Effort
Mocking of Attire
So, to start with let's go with the End Times. There has been lots of books and movies about Armageddon and what all it entails, I was never allowed to read into Revelations in the Bible because it was deemed too mature or scary for me, yet they had no problem making me watch terrifying(low production) videos about it, heh Anyway, there's a movie series with the first called "A Thief in the Night" and essentially it goes about how all the true Christians will be taken to heaven, while sinners are left to fend for themselves facing new ideologies and supernatural dangers. The short version(of what I know with the end times) is the anti-christ comes, thats the signal for Jesus to call all Christians into heaven, then theres the mark of the beast, 7 years of 'trials' before Satan rules over the earth for 1000 years, before God decides to hit the reset button on everything.
Sometimes movies can be scary to little kids, but these movies specifically describe how this can and WILL come to pass. Friends turning against one another, selling their souls for a barcode on their forehead, and it all ended with those who resisted being sent to a guillotine / firing squad. The resistance being not-devoted Christians, who realize their mistake once it is only too late.
I always felt like I had already ruined my chances to be saved, or that it would be too difficult(for some reason) for me to be as pure as a I needed to be. So for a long, long time, I truly believed my destiny was to purposely have faith and believe, but stay behind to help those that need it in the end times; running from the law, finding shelter, scavenging for food and the like. The end times and these videos were the main motivator this school pushed on kids to keep them in line. I was like 6 or 7 when I watched it, and it terrified the crap outta me, but there were kids even 4 watching it.
Even up to like last year, if something out of the ordinary happened and it made it seem like Jesus had returned, and I was left behind, I would start to panic. Usually it was just my wife had to do something unexpectedly or something.
Next is the devaluing of my effort. So, this school had strict rules over potty-mouths. And I once had to write 1000 sentences for saying "butt" instead of "bottom" I spent some time for several days, sitting in a desk, literally on display for everyone passing by, in front of the principals office, writing. And when I finally finished it, and handed it in, she didn't even look at what I had written(though I did it properly, or at least I tried) and just threw it in the garbage immediately. I almost started to cry right there, and when I tried to reach for it(because I worked for several hours, several days writing all that) she scolded me. She explained that the lesson I learned was what was important, and not how I learned it. or whatever.
And then finally, a more minor thing, that I didn't think much of until recently. I used to wear baggy clothes, a couple of the boys did, and the teachers would mock us saying things like, "What are you trying to be girls? Those clothes are practically like dresses!" Most of the boys got angry by this, but I only got embarrassed. I figured it was just because I was a more shy, and reserved person.
My now deceased sibling had the displeasure of graduating from such a school. And I'm glad my parents got a divorce, or I might have to; but I transferred back into a public school at 10th grade. My mom wasn't happy about that, but this Christian school definitely stunted my growth as a person academically, socially, and emotionally.
Anyway, so onto talking with my mom.
Me: "You know how I never took care of myself? Well now I do. I shower everyday, I care about maintaining good hygiene and health."
Her: "Yes, but that doesn't make you transgender."
When I was younger, I let my eyes rot, my earring isn't the best, I didn't take the best care of my teeth, and I rarely showered. I was such a sick, disgusting person that I was 'assaulted' in my college dorm by others because I smelled so bad that they forced me into the shower(absolutely nothing sexual happened, they were just grossed-out by my presence)
Me: "Remember how I never could socialize with others but I wanted to? It was like a side of myself was confined, and I couldn't let me true feelings out."
Her: "Yes, but that doesn't make you transgender."
Similar to hiding under the desk. At parties or any social gathering I was dragged to, I would hide outside, in a bathroom, or in the closet, just waiting for things to leave. I was always a bit voyeuristic, really enjoying when I saw others having fun, but never able to join in. When I was in high school, I never went to lunch and just spent that time in bathrooms, or under benches, sleeping(I did this sometimes in college, too)
Me: "Remember at that Deli, where I said I feel like the only thing keeping me from being a girl is my penis?"
Her: "Yes, you were self-conscious about your wrists and how you sat, but that doesn't make you transgender."
I do have girly wrists(a blessing, now) and I have always sat cross-legged, it was just more comfortable to me. And when I actually started to transition, female mannerisms came VERY natural to me, like it was shocking how quickly I picked-up on things.
Me: "You know how uncle <blank> would do his super effeminate voice and stuff?"
Her: "Yeah..."
Me: "Well, I always wanted to do that, too, but I just shot down any opportunity I gave myself. It's like how I wanted to dance, but would stop miliseconds into doing it, because it seemed wrong and I doubted myself so much. Not just him, one of my team members who I do my weekly podcast with also did an effeminate voice and it reminded me of it. I was so happy to find my own voice, finally."
Her: "Well, that doesn't mean your transgender."
My sister took dancing and gymnastics lessons when we were younger, I went sometimes as an accessory to my mom or dad(whoever was picking her up) and I really wanted to join, but it seemed so wrong at the time. I think I asked once and my mom said its for girls, not little boys. It seemed like everyone I knew growing up could do the following things: snap their fingers, whistle, and do an effeminate voice. I just felt so naturally talentless because I couldn't do anything special, I wasn't special, at least that's how i used to feel. I still can't whistle or snap my fingers, by the way.
Me: "I don't really take pictures. I've always avoided looking at myself in the mirror or seeing myself anywhere."
Her: "Okay, but that doesn't make you transgender."
Even though I thought I looked 'not ugly' for a man, I was always really unhappy with my appearance, and I called myself a monster(based on my appearance) on many an occasion.
Me: "Since starting my transition, I actually care more about my family/friends and myself in-general. And I love myself for the first time ever."
Her: "That's great, but it doesn't mean your transgender."
I don't really need to elaborate on this, I've done so enough already in this blog heh heh
Now, getting into the meat of the conversation. and the contradictions.
Her: "I admit that you didn't really have a masculine role model when growing-up, but even so, that doesn't make you transgender."
Also Her: "Those people online are just tricking you into thinking this is how you are."
See the hypocrisy in these statements?
Also, I had a wonderful male role model growing up. While I admit, I was more raised by my older sibling, just because my mom was not exactly the best as a parent and my dad worked literally 4 jobs when I was a kid. So, no, I didn't get to see my dad often, but when I did, he was always encouraging, invested, caring, supportive, and knowledgeable. He taught me the values of effort, passion, practicality, and care for others.
Her: "We took you to a psychiatrist when you were 16, I think, and he diagnosed you with depression. Stating the source was from social(and I forgot the other word used, I tried looking it up but I couldn't remember/find it), and that doesn't mean your transgender, it just meant you were depressed."
Me: "Well, I am actually seeing a therapist right now, and their professional diagnosis is that I am, indeed, transgender."
Her: "Well, I don't know this therapist, and I don't trust them."
She's going to argue one therapist for another, just because one supports her claim that I am only depressed. Which, by the way, super glad my mother would be happier knowing I am depressed instead of transgender. And another thing, I honestly had no recollection of EVER going to a therapist, did I block this memory from my mind? I was always down, but part of that(and my emo-ness) was because I wasn't 'depressed' so I couldn't validate sad emotions like I thought others could who actually had depression. Now that I think about it, I can vaguely recall a dream I had where I was 6(not 16) and was in an office with a therapist; but I felt like it was just a dream...
Then we got into talking about my dead sibling, and a few times, I probably got way too heated about the whole thing; luckily my wife was there to reel me back in. One thing she said really stuck out to me(that I can remember from the conversation, anyway)
Her: "I would have been happier if <name> didn't have enough money for his transition. Then he wouldn't have been able to do it."
This tells me a few things. One, being that my mom definitely didn't support my brother when he was alive. Even though after his death, she made a point to get upset at anyone for making jokes about crossdressing or whatever. And two, if my brother wasn't financially independent(for the most part) then my mom would not have helped him in any way and was like, oh well, tough luck kid, I guess you just can't be a woman, right?
But then something happened(and my wife totally called it) my mom addressed me, clearly addressed me as my dead sibling. Which she has done on several occasions before, but the way it came out made me realize that this conversation has already happened for her; and she's making the same claims/excuses as she did for my brother.
I was starting to try and go into the things I've been working on and how they've helped me, but it seemed like too much and my wife pulled me back in again. I mentioned how I had held lot of resentment for my mom because she cheated on my dad(and I happened to actually 'see' the coitus by accident) that I made a point to never say I love you, and I did so up until my transition began. But, I know I love my mom, and it isn't fair for me to continually hurt her over the years for a mistake she made like that, and honestly I would have stopped holding that resentment long ago, but it was the principle of it and I just held onto that feeling. I finally let it go, and now it's gone.
Made a tweet about it on mothers day, too: https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/996020102742073344 (https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/996020102742073344)
https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/996025954043645953 (https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/996025954043645953)
We also talked about some more minor things, the last minor but major thing was when I said how my wife is very supportive and one of my favorite things to do in the world with her is sing along to Disney songs. She seemed overjoyed at this(like oddly so, my wife was concerned) and went on about some pastor who can sing and singing doesn't equate to being transgender. And yeah, I never said singing better means transgender(that statement doesnt even make sense) but for me, it is because I am transgender that I've cared to improve my voice at all, and even my male singing has gotten better.
I tried starting to get into sexuality, too, but that's a bit too heavy still, I guess.
Anyway, after talking to her and hearing I suffered from depressed for some unknown social reason before and just going through everything, it felt like I had all things that I hated about myself and nothing fit together, nothing made any sense. And it inspired me to make a gif that i posted on Twitter. And I ask, if you've ever felt like that or just want to support me, please RT it. That's all for this update. I will be posting the video I took at Sephora's in the next few days. I still need to get caught-up on many other things before I can get back into my let's play, too.
gif: https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/1006833772162179073 (https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/1006833772162179073)
Hello Eryn
After reading your gut-wrenching post I feel we have got quite a bit in common despite our age differential.
My mother never told me you're not transgender because I don't even know if that word existed in the mid-60s she would just refer to me as a freak a weirdo and that there is something seriously wrong with me every time that would she would find my stash of my sisters clothes I would always get this humiliation then sometimes my Dad's belt or rubber hose that occurred quite often I really don't blame them for this I think it was a case of really tough love they used to try and set me straight in their eyes.
I also felt I had a very repressed development never really feeling that I fit into any group and felt very alone in those days, there was no internet and certainly you wouldn't dare to mention it.
And yes absolutely I felt like you did where nothing seems to fit right about ourselves. I'm really glad that you have got a gift for expressing yourself and letting it out where I just kept it all in where it just grew far worse.
I question if I even have the capacity to interact with this group. Although we all share a common theme Here, it is a group of people none the less which I have never been any good at and lately it seems that I can do nothing but the wrong thing here.
you seem to be flourishing here now and the couple times I called you,o talkative one, I meant it as a compliment and not sarcasm.
I must say you sure had a lot on your plate to deal with growing up and I'm very glad you didn't wait as long as I did because I fear I might be a little too far gone and messed up. I am actually pinning all my hopes on my transition because I know it has been the root problem of my life constantly
Naughing life out of me and use it as a pivot point to care about myself again and my health which I also let go down do to incredibly low self-worth.
you still have most of your life still ahead of you Eryn and have made it over the hump and seem to be on the road that will lead you to feeling free and comfortable within your own skin.
I will definitely try to follow your posts more closely now that we have shared this together. I most sincerely hope you find everything that you want out of life and truly deserve.
Love Tatiana
Sorry Eryn
see what I mean about the mistakes
I do not have a Twitter or any other social media accounts, I forgot to mention it in my earlier reply to you.
Thank you for encouraging and touching words, Tatiana! You never need to apologize for anything, I like that you call me o talkative one lol
Sometimes parents express discipline or love in different ways, sometimes they don't express love at all. I'm very grateful I wasn't one of those kids who was beaten, and I am so sorry that your father employed tough love on you, hun! To me(and I don't mean to upset you) tough love is like a last ditch effort to communicate to a child, because the parent really doesn't know what to do. For my mom, her form of 'love' is to ask the scriptures for guidance...i'll be getting to that in a moment.
I'm not so sure if I'm flourishing here on Susans, either, Tatiana, but I choose to enjoy the time I spend here and the people I talk to. You are my friend, and one of the few people who offer encouragement specifically to me, so I really am grateful for knowing you. I am very glad that your wife is supportive of you like mine, too, and that your anger subsides when you dressed comfortably. I do hope you're getting along with your RL trans friend that you mentioned in the past. And I, like you, really feel like I'm hinging on my transition will fix everything. Similarly to when I was younger I hinged losing my virginity as my ticket to normalcy, but things have never been so clear, so right, and so so joyous as they are now. About my only downside is I am trying to do more than ever, and I need to rethink how I use my time and what for, because I'm starting to fall behind in just about every way.
But, this update is about Round 2 with my mom, and after I was livid.
So, my mom usually bugs me all the time(this is totally normal, I hear) but she had not really been in touch since I last talked to her. She texted me today saying she wanted to talk, I was working but rearranged my schedule and made some time for her. I will never talk to her without my wife present though, I think, not about this anyway.
So, her strategy is 'set me straight with the Lord' by bringing a bunch of scriptures in as firepower. Ignoring how much better I feel and live as a woman. She also is of the mindset that this is just a phase I'm going through, well yeah it is a phase, I have only barely begun my transition folks lol Not even on HRT yet!
The problem is she still sees me and treats me like a child, and she has always been that way. Over-protective in so many ways, most of all in ideology. It just seemed like whatever i said she ignored or felt I was misguided, and I even tried asking what is so wrong with being transgender? ANd like, I was raised a Christian and she is a devote Christian, but how does me being transgender negatively affect any sort fellowship or relationship with the lord? It doesn't.
It did feel like I was repeating myself a lot in this conversation, and maybe she felt the same, but what made me truly angry was when we started talking about my brother.
So, I didn't think my brother really told anyone or expressed his true feelings much. But what I learned from her is that he had gone to several therapists and even wrote in a daily diary. I asked her what things he wrote in it and it was all pertaining to his dysphoria, how he developed his interests and why. I didn't know such a thing existed, and I wanted to know more about him through it. But she destroyed it.
What?
This woman, who holds onto literally every damn little thing from her kids and stores it in her basement for selfish reasons; even refusing to give me or my sister things that are rightfully 'ours'- this woman, took a piece, a very important piece of my brother who is gone forever and destroyed it. I can see where her views truly lie on the subject.
I asked her(because I had expressed my concern for this as well on here and elsewhere) if she tries to help people so that she feel like a better person or does she try to help others so that they can receive help. She told me that she wasn't sure, and would have to let me know at a later time.
She expressed that she wishes she were here with me, and I thought to myself. To hold my hand? Or hold me down? I don't think she cares a lick for my happiness as a transgender woman, and just repeatedly told me I need to pray and consult the scriptures.
My wife said she is not allowed into our home. This is all very new on my end, but my mother clearly had time to think about all this with my brother, and well, my wife and I both decided, if she continues to repeat the same things a few months down the road, then I don't need to keep trying. She is my mother, and I love her, but it's only going to cause me stress trying to get her to accept me, and I'd rather not waste the energy. Especially when everyone else in my life has already accepted me, readily, openly, and lovingly. (and I am very blessed for that)
Hey Eryn
I am so sorry for you dear over the loss of your brother it must have been incredibly traumatic for you and your family to go through this.
and I sense your pain when your mother threw out his journal containing his own thoughts.
I was going to ask you if she supported him but I would guess she did not, and if you think she's taking it out on you a little harsher, do to your brothers lifestyle and tragic end.
I know your mother doesn't support you now but don't give up hope on your relationship with her it is far too precious of a thing to give up on and I hope you never stop trying.
I also grew up in a strict Catholic household and then 12 years of Catholic School but I never had religion used against me like your mom does I just was always called The Freak. I really don't hate my parents their actions I think we're governed by the ignorance of the times and I think we're really trying to do the right thing but back then in the early sixties it was a completely different world. I hope you take it easy on your mother she too is just a product of her environment when she grew up and our field is evolving faster than society's acceptance is.
I wish I had a mother to talk to but I lost my real mom in 98 and my mother-in-law just the other week.
all of that Catholic schooling taught me that basically Christianity means Christ-like. We know that Jesus accepted people with unconditional love for all, and I believe us being trans would be completely insignificant to him. I think the actions of your life would carry far more weight.
I wonder how your mother would react if you slowly worked this idea with her. You really can't set the bar any higher than Jesus because it's going to be at the Divinity level.
I really hope your relationship with your mom will improve over time, perhaps a little give-and-take on both sides Maybe, because you only get one mom in life and have only a finite time to experience her, hopefully in a little more approving way for the two of you.
best wishes for you and yours and your mother. Hugs Tatiana
Well, I haven't updated this in awhile and that's what this post is all about.
My schedule has been falling apart, and I'm in the process of trying to recover.
Part of the issue with my schedule is the way I have always handled things in the past(and present) basically, in a non-confrontational way. This isn't just arguments or fighting, but like if I am handed a list of rules at a job, I never processed these rules and I just internalized, "Don't be a bad person." When it comes to budgeting, I had always saved money by simply not spending it(that is DEFINITELY not going to work anymore lol) Even games, when I was younger, I just played until I beat them(before achievements were a thing) but when I played FFXI I had to make the decision when to stop playing and as I said in the other post about it, I probably take first place(not a thing anyone should be proud of!) in the amount of actual time sunk into a single game, anyway. And when it came to my schedule, well...
I have always had a few nervous ticks, before caring about myself- I was so driven on the idea of 'doing' that I have been known to be the kind of person who is always doing something. I think part of me always being busy(but productive, though I am not being productive right now) also kept me from reflecting upon my depression and the possibility that I was transgender(or just seeking some answers to my depression in general)
And that is seriously catching-up to me now.
Before transitioning, I rarely took showers, I spent about 10 minutes to get ready, I had zero activity with friends/community, I did not really play video games, I slept about 5 hours a night, I ate fast food only while driving, I had a day job that soaks up about 50+ hours a week with drive times, and I was working between 15-20 hours a week on my other job as a designer for an indie game studio.
Now, with my transitioning. It takes me more like 30min-1hr to get ready. I am sitting down to eat more, I shower/shave/other everyday, I play video games occasionally, I get involved with online communities(like Susans here, and Twitter), I try to make memes sometimes(and work too hard on the editing); a typical recording session for my youtube channel takes about 2hr of record time, about 30min of browsing through footage/editing, about 2-3 hours to render, and then about 45min to upload to youtube. I am also trying to be more involved with my wife's life and the time I spent with her has increased since she found out I am transgender. But I am also trying to practice drawing everyday. I have several drawings I have been trying to work on, and one I really wanted to finish before Pride Month is over. I also do most of the errands/chores around the house, and this while still have my day job to go to and my indie game studio to work for.
Similarly to how I describe a non-confrontational approach, in this, I never had to think or worry about making priorities because, while I did have a lot of things I was doing at any given time, I had plenty of time to do everything, but now, that is quite different.
For the past week I have been trying to find some time to both reply to some posts on Susans and make another post here. When you have so much on your plate, it's so easy to just get overwhelmed, throw up your hands, and not do any of it. I wasn't quite doing that, but with everything pushing on my mind lately I was struggling and failing in every aspect.
I was failing at my day job.
I missed 2 conference calls in the past month because the first I simply got busy and didn't set an alarm, and was not in a position to join. The second one, I just totally was so focused on everything else that I forgot completely. I have been turning in a job(of like 13 that I do weekly) technically late every week for the past 3 weeks, and that also means I've been working on days where I might have had that day off.
I was failing at my indie studio job.
I do a lot for this studio. Similar to the conference calls, I missed 2 leads meetings(we have them every 2 weeks; but also at a really crappy time of day for me and my work) and I have not been able to just sit down and write some additional dialogue for a few scenes in the past 3 weeks. When I posted the Kickstarter update, the May progress, it was already 2 weeks into June at that point. I am somewhat bottle-necking the project right now, but no one is actually needing me to do certain things(that they know of); if I finished up the dialogue I needed to, I could start working on some other things which require involvement from additional team members and get people more synergized.
I was failing at my youtube channel.
For the first week or so, I was recording 3 episodes every 3 days or so, basically maintaining a new video daily. But the last captured video was uploaded about a week ago. And I had the footage from Sephora since the 4th, and was trying to upload it asap, too. The other night I sat down for the first time in what felt like forever to try and record some more for youtube, and I didn't think I was tired or maybe I was, but the commentary was way more awful that usual. And I essentially threw(or, will throw) away over an hours worth of running around looking for what to do because I thought I knew where I was going. 90 minutes or so is usually the limit on my voice and my ability, and I was already pushing myself.
I was failing our community.
I read posts daily on Susans, but rarely replied. I had been wanting to post this update, too, and just hadn't. I even messaged a few people letting them know I wasn't ignoring them, and will try to reply to their posts asap. I feel really bad for not having more interactions with this wonderful community. Likewise, I originally was thinking of posting a meme daily on Twitter, but they take me 10min-2hours to make depending on the level of editing. And trying to browse twitter; honestly, I think Twitter was the thing least ignored in all of this, but it didn't matter. I liked, retweeted, commented, and responded to others stuff, but when it came to my own tweets that took me hours to make, most don't have a single like.
I really failed myself as an artist.
So, I have a collage thing that I plan to make my banner for Twitter that I wasn't to finish before Pride month was over. And I had the idea for my Youtubel Channel's banner floating around in my head for over a month. I also was searching for the motivation to draw, and thought it would be cool to try and make the avatar of my followers on Twitter each day, too. I'm still very much a student when it comes to art, and should be more focused on learning than doing.
I failed my hygiene once or twice.
I did take a shower at least once a day, but some nights I skipped. I neglected to apply moisturizer to my body or shave certain parts(if I was going to cover them up with clothes). Sleep goes here, too. I was struggling to even get 4 hours of sleep a night, which leads me into my next and most important failure.
I have been failing in my transition.
Recently, I got a beauty blender and tried applying my foundation with it using a method I picked-up on Youtube and it works really well for me! But, despite making such personal progress, I have neglected to even make an attempt to wear any makeup at all since trying(and succeeding) with the blender. Part of the issue is my mask is too convenient for time, and since I'm not an expert at doing makeup, it's all that more discouraging to use that time to do so, when I can just keep using the mask and it literally takes a few seconds. Because of my lack of sleep, I have had extremely low energy most days. And this is something very important that I don't think most people realize(because they get enough sleep) lack of sleep / low energy is possibly the worst thing you can do to your voice. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to maintain, and overuse / burnout is very possible otherwise.
The problem is I was trying to do a little bit of everything each night, but that simply can't work. And it can be difficult to actually prioritize when so many things are at the forefront of your mind; each one encouraging or making me happy in some capacity, too.
I am really saddened by my overall lack of everything as of late, but I am taking steps to make better decisions and my wife is helping me formulate a more tentative schedule to follow; difficulties often lie in when I feel creative or motivated to do a certain thing and if that feeling lasts or not.
As for tonight, it was more of the same. But my wife asked me to get some Ginger Ale on my way home and I stopped by a gas station that I never go to on the way home. The lady behind the counter was honest-to-god concerned about my health because of the mask. We maybe exchanged a few sentences at best, and she called me honey, sugar, and dear. Though, she was the first person to really approach me asking if I was sick, it just really broke my heart to deceive her like that.
On the flip side of things(i am ruining myself, but everyone around me is supporting me!)
Today is my birthday. And this has so far hands-down been the absolute best birthday of my entire life! So, Monday I went car shopping with my wife and we found an amazing deal of a used car that took her research ability and my gutsy, go-getter'ness to get. This car is like the best car I've ever driven in my whole life. Report was no accidents, it's a 2010 Ford Focus with 60k miles, Got it for $5.5k, was originally listed at $7.9k and then marked down online for $6.9k. On top of that, my wife bought some bows, and different nail polish for me(even though she said I would be getting no gifts because of the car lol) AND we sang Disney songs in the car together(my favorite activity) but she said it was okay for me to sing in my feminine voice. I was extremely nervous, but it was so liberating, I felt like I could cry. On top of that, the gift I got from my sister came in the mail. ANd it's my first video game girl t-shirt ever! Mei from Overwatch, and I am going to post on Twitter about that later on today, too!
We'll also be going to a fondue/hot-pot resturant on Monday(as tradition for our birthdays since moving to Pennsylvania) but just wow...
So much loving support, and I am wrecking myself because I can't sort my priorities.
I feel so happy, so loved, but also like such a disappointment to everyone I know on Twitter and here on Susans.
Love you all, hopefully this post didn't get too long, I will just have to see when I click Post(lol) And I'm sure I missed some things because well, I have poor memory of events sometimes and I am quite scatterbrains.
Much love to all,
Eryn
I'm a few days late on this reply, but you know what I've been up to so I'm sure you'll forgive me. ;D
Quote from: Eryn T on June 24, 2018, 03:42:24 AM
when I played FFXI I had to make the decision when to stop playing and as I said in the other post about it, I probably take first place(not a thing anyone should be proud of!) in the amount of actual time sunk into a single game, anyway.
I don't know how much time you put into FFXI, but I feel confident when I say: Nope, I "win". ;D And by "win" I mean lose, because what wasted time that was. OCD + MMOs = Bad, bad combination. I had individual characters in Dark Age of Camelot and WoW that had 400
days of playtime. Not 400 days like I played the game for just over a year. 400 days of actual playtime, as in 400 times 24 hours. Plus alts with 100+ days as well. I... had problems. ;D
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I was failing our community.
I read posts daily on Susans, but rarely replied. I had been wanting to post this update, too, and just hadn't. I even messaged a few people letting them know I wasn't ignoring them, and will try to reply to their posts asap. I feel really bad for not having more interactions with this wonderful community. Likewise, I originally was thinking of posting a meme daily on Twitter, but they take me 10min-2hours to make depending on the level of editing. And trying to browse twitter; honestly, I think Twitter was the thing least ignored in all of this, but it didn't matter. I liked, retweeted, commented, and responded to others stuff, but when it came to my own tweets that took me hours to make, most don't have a single like.
You aren't failing anyone in the community, none of us can carry all of the burden for others. (Except maybe Laurie.) All that matters is you are doing what you can in the moment with the current circumstances of your life, and I believe you are. There is time to be a mentor or provide constant support later, you have a long, happy life ahead of you, for now you just need to worry about surviving to get to the point you can do everything you want to for the community.
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I failed my hygiene once or twice.
I did take a shower at least once a day, but some nights I skipped. I neglected to apply moisturizer to my body or shave certain parts(if I was going to cover them up with clothes). Sleep goes here, too. I was struggling to even get 4 hours of sleep a night, which leads me into my next and most important failure.
i know for absolute fact that the majority of cis women do not maintain a beauty regimen daily, including showering at times. Most gals absolutely do not shave what they don't have to at the very least. This is not a failure, this is being human! Don't be too hard on yourself!
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I have been failing in my transition.
Recently, I got a beauty blender and tried applying my foundation with it using a method I picked-up on Youtube and it works really well for me! But, despite making such personal progress, I have neglected to even make an attempt to wear any makeup at all since trying(and succeeding) with the blender. Part of the issue is my mask is too convenient for time, and since I'm not an expert at doing makeup, it's all that more discouraging to use that time to do so, when I can just keep using the mask and it literally takes a few seconds. Because of my lack of sleep, I have had extremely low energy most days. And this is something very important that I don't think most people realize(because they get enough sleep) lack of sleep / low energy is possibly the worst thing you can do to your voice. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to maintain, and overuse / burnout is very possible otherwise.
Again, not a failure. We face challenges many cis women do not, most obviously of course covering any sort of beard shadow. Full effort daily makeup is uncomfortable, expensive, time consuming, and just all around impractical. Daily makeup for many people is some foundation and lipstick, plus whatever they think they need for their "trouble areas", and that's that. Plus, combine the amount of practice it takes to really get good with makeup, it's normal to simply not have the time most days to stop and go all out as a trans girl. My sister only has to put the lightest amount of makeup on for full effect, and she can do it in a matter of minutes but still chooses not to most days. Meanwhile, even when she is doing my makeup (better/faster/etc to do others, plus shes more experienced) it takes a good half hour+ not including shaving prep time.
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The problem is I was trying to do a little bit of everything each night, but that simply can't work. And it can be difficult to actually prioritize when so many things are at the forefront of your mind; each one encouraging or making me happy in some capacity, too.
I think that goes for all of us at our point in transition. I have a billion things I want to do or need to do, and figuring out what to do first is overwhelming. Not just even in simple actions to take, but in where to invest money in particular in my case at least. (Ie: Do I go all in on laser because I need body hair gone "now", or do I save thousands of dollars and let HRT get full effect on it first but delay completion time?)
Sweetie, you are doing great. I know it doesn't feel like it, and I know it's not something you can probably accept, I know it is hard for me to process when people say it to me, but .... well, damnit, it's true.
Ellie, you are absolutely wonderful! And after at least catching-up some in your thread, I am glad you chimed in, because more-so than just our transitions, I feel like you really understand what it means to be crazy busy. Oh, and let's just say we're MMO sisters in this, lol Because as I wrote in that thread, I spent over 2 years of playtime on Final Fantasy 11, and I played WoW afterwards for at least 2 years(no idea on playtime, though) I loved all the pictures from the parade, I will have to go through your twitter, for some reason I wasn't seeing the updates or something...
I honestly wanted to post another update sooner, and so many little things have happened that I probably won't remember, but hey, isn't that just how it goes in this thread already? lol
I started trying to write down quick notes to myself and feel like I will gravitate toward doing updates here weekly(especially when I am on HRT) as well as more major event-type dealies. But seriously, it is CRAZY to think how much can actually happen in your life when you let it. Before my transition, I had a pretty set(but flexible) schedule but it was more-or-less a routine. With transition, and trying to expand my horizons socially, everyday can bring something new and often does.
So, I am finally starting to get a handle on my schedule, not exactly corrected yet, but seems like things keep popping up. This past week my day job wanted everything done early due to the holiday, and that put more pressure on me, meanwhile my indie game project was closing-in on a month ending and a milestone ending, and spending a lot more time with my wife and even some more unexpected things popping-up. It's going to take all my strength just to keep this update on track, but here goes~
So, I had not heard from several of my buddies here on Susans for awhile now. Kind of along the same lines as your post, Ellie, about being afraid to post like I'm inconveniencing people. But I wasn't the only one who noticed. And it just made me realize, when I feel so good because someone messaged me, everyone else probably feels that way, too. And they also are concerned about annoying me; sometimes if you don't talk to a friend for long enough, it becomes that much harder to try and chat again.
I owe so much to these girls and I was working on a drawing I wanted to finish before June ended, but I just got way too busy. I ended up working on it some tonight, but then I got to see just how awful I am at drawing. It makes me sad to eventually post something truly ugly as my banner for Twitter, but I hope you girls don't mind. Because it comes from a place of love, belonging, and joy...but maybe not talent lol
Anyway, so I'm going to make a point to periodically message these girls and see how they're doing. I, of course, care for everyone as much as I can, but I think that, too, can be difficult to bear on my shoulders all the time. I remember one night I was planning on working a bit and doing this and that, then someone I follow on Twitter was having a hard time and I just ended-up talking to them for a few hours. I'm glad I did it, but it certainly didn't help my schedule. I just really hope everyone is doing alright, and I'll be sending out DMs soon to let you know I care about you girls~ <3
This next part was how my words(or memes) can be twisted or misconstrued. This felt like forever ago, and I can't believe I hadn't updated this thread since before this! Anyway, I made a transgender version of a meme and Susan herself commented on it that it could be misinterpreted as anti-trans...that seems ludicrous from my point of view, but she had a very valid reason. And it was simply something I wasn't paying attention to. I do try to be careful with what I say on twitter. It makes me think about how people pull up tweets from years ago to make a point of hypocritical stances. But, I can't live in fear of that, or I run the risk of censoring myself, which I had done my whole life before my transition.
In addition to that friend on Twitter and some girls here on Susans, I can't help but almost feel ashamed of myself for not going through something more harsh in my life. It's like really hard for me to reason why 2 transgirls should feel the same euphoria or have the same good outcomes from their transition, when 1 had no real family drama or went through any persecution in their life, while the other dealt with both, abuse, and possibly more. Maybe it's the Christian in me, but I just feel so guilty being so blessed by the situation. I think I had mentioned before that a part of me has felt like a lesser person, because I never had to overcome some hardship to make me grow as a person. Maybe I have, though, but nothing like what you all have gone through.
Alot more has happened, but my notes aren't making sense. What is fresh in my mind is Sephora, Saturday with my wife, and some new things happening tonight.
The Sephora I went to for my first class called awhile ago asking if I'd like to come to the next. At the time, I felt way too busy and it is almost a 3 hour drive at 9am, ect. But then later I changed my mind, except I couldn't book it online. So, yesterday, I think, I tried calling to ask about it. I spoke with a girl named Toni and she was just so energetic and helpful. More than just assisting me and explaining why it's not on the website, talking to her just felt so good and right- I was completely in girl mode over the phone. She doesn't do the class or even work on that Sunday, but went out of her way to call the girl who does and answer a few questions, get my email again, etc. So, now I'm all set for my next class this Sunday! I'm excited to learn, but I'm more excited to be in an environment that is accepting of me, and encourages me to be who I am or who I want to be. Because, honestly, I could just grab a playlist of tutorials on contouring on Youtube easily enough anyway...
So, I mentioned this before but not as directly, I think. So allow me to clear the confusion.
My wife has a boyfriend. I am a cuck.
I know the guy, he is a friend of both of ours, and basically their friendship grew into love in the same way ours did. She has not yet been able to meet him in-person, and now it seems like they may never meet. But she isn't okay with a sexual relationship with the female me, either. It's kinda a whole big mess, I mean, a part of me was happy about things possibly not working out because then I might stand a chance at being able to please her sexually. But seeing her so upset, and understanding what she wants is a real man and she doesn't want us to be apart, either, so it's just kinda tugging on my heart in all directions. When she told me why things aren't going to work out, it really just soured the whole day and then after is when 2 of my trans girlfriends were going through some rough times and well...that night I couldn't sleep at all, but I wasn't being productive either. I just sort of sat at my desk, wasting time, over-thinking things, and wishing I could actually physically hug each of y'all out there.
And that's kind of why Saturday was a thing with me and my wife. She wanted to do some retail therapy, and I just wanted to be there for her. It turned out into an amazing day for me, though! Started out, we went and saw Deadpool 2, I really enjoyed that movie and just Deadpool(and Ryan Reynolds, especially) in general. Afterwards, we went shopping around some outlets that were nearby.
I feel like I'm a terrible person to shop with. When I was a guy, I had no desire to buy anything ever. But now, as a girl, I want to buy everything but can't decide lol And that indecision really was wearing on my wife's nerves, at least in the first store that we went to. Everywhere I looked, there was some article of women's clothing that I have never seen before or never really noticed.
Also, apparently, I am a hot topic girl lol When we went into there, the clearance section was buy 2 get 3 free; and it took like under 3 minutes to find 5 things that I loved! Like, it was VERY different than a normal clothes store. I guess I just resonate with geeky things more, and that was the main thing causing indecision at other stores. I also got a couple dresses and shirts online from hot topic earlier in the week(though they havent arrived yet) So, now my female clothes wardrobe is even larger than my male ones(and I haven't even purged any male clothes yet!)
Then after we went to an Irish pub in Gettysburg, and it was absolutely wonderful. This whole time I had my nail-polish on, female attire(not girly, though) but no boobs. I was getting concerned because I think we live in an area totally not ideal to be transgender in, but luckily no one made a fuss over my nails. (they were lavender and metallic gray, btw)
Then when we got home, we actually started cleaning the house some! I love cleaning, I think its part of my anxiety, but my wife is a bit of a hoarder and we can't really clean until she is ready because basically, she directs me where to put things(toys for tots, presents, donations, seasonal, trash, keep, storage, etc.) and I do the 'grunt' work.
I had been spending a decent amount of time on Twitter lately, too. Sometimes it feels rather exhausting, I see many of the same or similar conversations. Part of me really just wants to Like everything. But for some reason I have always been 'stingy' with that sort of thing. I'm a bit more involved in doing it now, but for some reason I see something I actually like on youtube or something and I rarely hit the Like button- but there's really no reason for that. Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked. Tonight, in particular, something really cool happened.
Somehow a post about a Twitch streamer dealing with harassment ended up in my timeline, and they're super cool and I DM'd them, watched their stream, interacted with their community, and followed a few other people. I used to watch lots of letsplays all the time in the past, part of why I wanted to do my own, and I never have time to watch streams really and can't watch theirs usually either(except on Tuesdays, possibly) cause I'll be at work pretty much everytime they stream. And while watching their stream, I actually worked on that art piece I mentioned earlier in this post. I felt good doing it sometimes, and bad sometimes, too. Basically, I just need to practice much more, because being artistic is honestly, kind of the same feeling of euphoria I get when I express myself as a woman; maybe because I am actually expressing myself.
God, this update feels all over the place lol Things are starting to get on track, though, I swear!
Two more episodes I uploaded of my Axiom Verge letsplay. As I go through watching these on occassion, I cringe. Hard. But what's weird, is when I feel like my commentary is 'weak' later on, my voice actually sounds alot better. The proof of my voice improving over time is in this letsplay- and now I'm so happy with my voice! (when it decides to work)
So hope you all are well and doing your best with your journeys, too!
Much Love!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6g2lVEO03g (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6g2lVEO03g)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMsRI2eFfNk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMsRI2eFfNk)
Hey girlfriend,
I just wanted to drop in and say hello.
And I miss you where have you been dear.
I've been reading your stuff and I know your Uber busy.
But I must say I'm a little worried about you burning the candle at both ends.
I know that all this extra curricular activity that you're engaged in is geared for your transition but sometime you need to stop to smell the roses and appreciate and suck in every moment of the journey.
There is no timetable or schedule that's needed for you to follow dear.
It will come naturally to you one way or another because this is your destiny and it doesn't follow a clock
you know it's going to happen so why not take the path of least resistance and avoid unneeded distraction and keep your eyes focused on the big picture that you are entering.
There's always going to be a multitude of distractions or new events in your life that could keep you busy 24/7.
But I believe prioritizing them properly will allow you to devote your energy to what's really needed.
Normal life is hard enough but when you throw in what you're doing it's extra hard.
Sometimes slow and steady is advantageous over trying to do to much.
I'm just a little bit worried about you girl but I know you'll pull through with flying colors.
all my love to you sweetheart Tatiana
Love your words, Tatiana, girl! And I am definitely burning the candle from ALL directions lol :p
I am not rushing my transition, I don't think, I'm just so used to living an extremely busy life that adding my transition and other activities I want to do on top of it, is just really pressing for time. But, for the most part, I think I am doing much better with that now, so don't worry!
But maybe that's not true, since I've been wanting to update this post for a few days now, but couldn't find some time lol It's ironic, like cleaning the house. Wait a month to do it and it'll take hours, do it every day and it takes minutes, heh heh
So, let me see, where to begin...
Thursday the 5th, was my next therapy session, and I was determined to push forward more for it. This was the first time that I really tried to put on all of my makeup since the Sephora class. I had kept making the excuse in the past that I didn't have time to do my makeup, so I just kept using the mask as a crutch, but that is beginning to change. Since that Thursday, I have worn makeup up (AND NO MASK!) a few times, but there are still some days where I don't find the time to do my makeup, too.
Really, the first time I did my makeup, that Thursday, it took over an hour and it looked absolutely HORRIBLE! Gah! But I had a time schedule, and I didn't have the opportunity to wipe it off and try again and I wanted to show myself to the therapist. Truthfully, I am very, very tired of the mask, which I think is good, so Im not really using it as a coping mechanism after all, just a time-saver heh heh
Anyway, we were gonna start talking about my late brother and we went into more about my general family, too. Like, individually, but the real big problem for me is that I was(and am) very unobservant. I, frankly, questioned for most of my adolescent life if I were mentally challenged because of how 'dumb' or 'slow' I was to most things, oh and that when I asked my parents about medical stuff to prepare for HRT that I have something called tremors in my hands, knees, and eyes; basically the muscles spasm in a oscillating motion which can make it difficult to do things like makeup or my nail polish- But, that's a completely separate topic. A couple of things I found interesting when I started to think about it, and I might have said this stuff before, had to do with my dad.
I think that my dad might be transgender or at least somewhat non-binary. I do not think transgender tendencies are passed through genes, but I mean I share many traits with my parents so sharing traits is one aspect. Like, as my mom has mentioned, my dad was very passive in the bedroom. As I learned while ago, he got a vesectimine(sp) and while he tried to date after they broke up, it didn't last and he opt'd for companionship with pets instead.
I've also never seen him 'angry' which I think is weird for men, as the stereotype is overbearing anger and I know many folks here on Susans probably dealt with a lot of anger-driven abuse from their fathers. He also was extremely frugal, basically never buying anything for himself...except really decorative and ornate statues, like the $200 ones you see of fairy or dragon women at the Renaissance faire lol But the last big piece of evidence that I found was with his pet, in particular, our dog, Logan. Logan was abused by his former owner, and hated ALL men, lashed-out at them at shelters and such; but was never that way with women. For some odd reason, Logan never lashed-out at my dad, Logan took to him just like he would any woman. Anyway
A good portion of the session I tried to discuss more about the timeline for HRT, cause I tend to be bad about asking the right questions most of the time >.< I'm sure there was more, but I frankly can't remember some of it >.<
Then Sunday I went back to Sephora's, and it was a good time, again, but I'm not sure if I'll upload that video ever lol And i'll explain more of that when I get down to it. But, there was a lot less girls there this time, some I recognized from my first class; and all the same teachers, I was with Tony again and he was great, but then they switched us around and I was with Kat and Lexi, too. Kat, I felt was the least helpful for me, she kinda didn't know how to direct me, so she kinda just mumbled quietly and let me ruin my face lol Lexi, on the other hand, was so nice and her makeup was absolutely gorgeous to me! She gave me some really good tips and one of them I've been trying to use a bit everyday is practicing makeup for 10-15 minutes before wiping it off at the end of the day. Since I am wiping it off afterwards, there's less problem if I make mistakes, and as with anything you're learning and are new to, there's gonna be a lot of mistakes!
The class, as a whole, I felt rushed for some reason, like they were trying to do too much in it, but it wasn't that much more honestly than the first class. Like first class we did cleanser, primer, foundation, contour, blush, lipstick/gloss; and this class we did highlighter, eyeshadow, mascara, contour, blush, 'glow' and lipstick/gloss. As I learned from my dad, I have extremely fidgety eyes and it's kinda rough to apply anything around there sometimes. My eyes cower in fear if anything get's close to em. My right eye, doesn't even close fully, unless I really try to close it tight, which on it's own increases the risk of poking my eye out lol Oh boy, but Kat was helping me during the eyeshadow/mascara portion of the class, and then I accidentally bumped my eyelid with the mascara, INSTANT DISASTER! I learned how to take a Q-tip and some makeup remover to act fast lol Probably a decent thing to have learned.
I also had been getting more active on Twitter, or at least, being more of a participant. I liked, retweeted, commented on all sort of things, but then I took a look at my timeline and just saw I got lost in other people's conversations. Which I mean is fine, I guess, but I went to Twitter to be myself, so I wanted to refocus my attention. However, I did stumble upon a tweet about harrassment on Twitch to a trans gamer named QueenHellCat, and I checked out their stream and conversed with them a little and people in the chat, too. I think Twitch is really the kind of environment I was ultimately hoping for with 'reconnecting' with gamers, because you actually build a community and interact with them, rather than just have a group of people that may or may not watch what you make like on Youtube. But I face a few problems with that, the biggest being my schedule. I can not reliably set a good time of the week to consistently stream that isn't already a time when I expect most people to be doing things. And two, my computer can't handle something like that, so I'd need to invest in a stronger machine to do so.
A bit more of downer(but don't worry, it get's better!) is I tried working on my banner artwork some more, and I got to a certain point and I just hated how everything was turning out. That's what happens when you don't draw for months(and were never all that good at drawing) then work on one piece for an hour or two every week, also the tremors definitely don't help in this department. The piece was meant to be done before Pride Month ended, but I missed that mark by a long shot. I just love all the wonderful people I've met on Susans, and in particular my closest friends/buddies and I was making the banner to express that love and appreciation; but I lack the talent to properly convey it.
I do intend on revisiting it and finishing one day, but not right now, unfortunately. Here is how far I got before I got too frustrated with it:
(https://i.imgur.com/HJYLnFm.png)
I think it was just way way too ambitious and challenging of a think to take head-on like I tend to, and succeed at. So I started trying to do smaller stuff first, like something I can start AND finish in a single session so that I am able to practice every aspect of drawing more clearly and fully. I had been wanting to do something like this for awhile and another person I saw on Twitter, EJ Burg was drawing followers, so I wanted to give it a shot. Because another issue I've always had with drawing is figuring out what to draw, and this seemed like an excellent opportunity for just that.
These are the 3 I've done so far, left is my recreation and right is the originals, if that wasn't obvious lol:
(https://i.imgur.com/SEQNsTF.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/2yWHmmQ.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/PNda41Y.png)
And in that order. I also record myself doing it, in the hopes to get some advice from actual artists and to show I am not just tracing these. It's helped to train myself to be more keen in my observation skills, which are quite lacking so that is awesome! But you may notice these are all 'cartoons' or just not real life images, but many people use real life photos as their avatars on Twitter. And I am planning to do that kind next, it will be truly interesting because it's either going to take a tremendous amount of effort in detail to recreate a real photo, or I will 'cartoon-ize' the photo, in which I think is good, too, because I will be on the road to building my own style. Drawing is important to me, and I really love it, but I also want to do it so I can improve the thumbnails for my youtube channel and also allow myself to do something else on Twitter that I have been planning for awhile.
Speaking on Youtube, they rolled-out this beta creator thing and moved things around so I could see/understand the analytics a bit easier. I felt good about my voice video having almost 200 views and my sephora video having almost 500, even though all my gameplay videos only had like 0-5 views. Then I got to see that the average watch time for these videos was only a few seconds. Either people click on them by accident, or I am so utterly revolting of a person that they turn and run immediately. It's gotta be the latter one, right?
Well, I know Twitch is where gamers 'live' and you can upload existing video now there, too. So, I am having to convert(and in many cases, re-edit) all of my previous Axiom Verge episodes so they are compatible with Twitch's standards. In the hope that maybe people might actually watch or want to interact with me over there. While it's a very time consuming process, I was surprised as heck that the rendering time was reduced, and this format(while better quality wise, to me) is also compatible with Youtube; so I'll just use that from now on and it'll help cut down on my overall time wasted to render these, in the future, too!
I started blending days, so pulling back again before I start to wrap-up this update. Wednesday of this week, was like the 3rd or 4th time I put on my makeup and it was the first time that felt like it looked good enough that I didn't need the mask. No, I wasn't the prettiest girl out there, but I saw more girl than I did boy, and that came as an overwhelmingly happy surprise! Now, I know, I can do this, I will do this, and my life will be so much better!
Relationship-wise, it's hard to say what's happening. Things are moving so so fast for my wife that she feels like her life has been turned upside-down in the past two months. With me, with her boyfriend, and now the main reason she is still working at the place she is working at; her friend is gonna be switching careers/jobs in a month, and she really doesn't want to stay working there when this other girl leaves. I have said in the past that she should leave her job if it's causing so much stress, but we'll just have to see what she actually ends up doing. Meanwhile, I think I've kinda become her emotional punching bag of sorts. I really do feel like she is just tolerating my transition out of necessity, but that she isn't actually happy for me. ANd who can blame her with so much going 'wrong' in her life right now. But little comments like, "You can't do this/that as a woman" "You don't need this/that as a woman" "Doing this/that as a woman means this/that" And always the, "you're not allowed to buy this/that"
Before, she seemed supportive and I could talk about everything at least a little bit. But I think that's because she had a buffer, and now that it's gone, she's really going to be losing a lot of what she holds dear. So she just often ends the conversation before I even start talking, it's similar to how our relationship was before. All I did was work on my indie game, so all I could talk about was game dev stuff and everything goes over her head, and it's just honestly a waste of time talking to her about it. Because it just makes her upset in the end.
Also, I'm really upset by this, but I won't be going to the Pride Fest on the 28th. My friend got really busy and won't be coming up, my wife did encourage me to try and do it anyway, though. But it's also the same day as my wife and I's friend's wedding reception, and she doesn't want me to come out to them right now, so I'd have to swap clothes get rid of makeup, etc to try and attend both. Maybe I wasn't ready to join the community in-person yet, anyway; I mean, I think I would have a lovely time, like Ellie did, but because of my crazy schedule, this is probably for the best.
Lastly, it's wonderful to be hearing from my friends again on Susans! Everyone's lives are improving as a direct result of their transition and honestly, my own, too! Even if things look dire, I have never felt so happy, so fulfilled, and so valid as a person until recently. You are all so wonderful, and I have been trying to be more involved with the discussions here on Susans.
Also, here is the next Axiom Verge episode, please watch it and give me critique! Is my shtick funny, annoying, insulting? If the game confusing, boring, just not what you wanna see? I really want to know what I can do to have more engagement, so making a decision to have my next game be God of War after all or not. Oh, and somewhere down the end of this year, I am totally gonna do Sekiro. I have played basically all the Dark Souls games, but Eryn hasn't played any of them. And if I tried to just play 3 again but with Eryn, things wouldn't go well I don't think, because I've beaten that game countless times and spent hundreds of hours PvPn(though im still not very good) anyway, i'm starting to ramble again, sorry!
Oh, and I do plan on sharing more of my new clothes soon, too!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkRqlE6Uj4M (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkRqlE6Uj4M)
Anyway, have a lovely weekend all and a wonderful life! Love you all!
Hello Eryn
First off thank you for your compliments very much.
Sorry if I implied that you're rushing your transition too much.
So what we live in very different places pretty much like different worlds.
but I do remember how very much my life was busy compared to where I am at now, my world now is merely when the sun comes up in the sun goes down sometimes I don't even know what the date is but I usually know what month it is, and clocks really mean nothing to me now ever since I crashed and burned at age 45 keeping everything closet it in I most certainly hope you do not fall into the pitfalls I did but I don't believe you will.
The world I grew up in is totally alien to what the world is now and I'm so happy for you and the younger members that they can express themselves as their identity guides them. Some of the younger members that I have had the privilege to meet here totally blew me away. In my youth in the sixties and seventies this would have been totally unconscionable and the word transgender didn't really exist. But I am so very happy with today's youth addressing their inner identity and expressing it, whether they pass or not at a very early age.
I commend you for having the courage to wear your makeup for your therapist as I have heard from other young members. but I'm a little old school and think your words and attitude would be a bigger priority then your appearance but I'm a dinosaur with two months of trans experience that I learned here at Susan's. Don't worry too much about the time it takes to put on your makeup practice makes perfect and you will get it in the future my wife tells me it should only take 5 to 10 minutes to get everything done right but she is a CIS female and has been doing this her whole life she says it's due to muscle memory.
you're way ahead of me girl on the proper way to apply makeup even though I have been playing with it from a very early age as soon as I could see my family in the car leave the driveway I would be into my sisters and mothers stuf and basically look like a clown at and extremely early age. But after I was married of course I thought all these thoughts I had would leave but of course they did not and I slowly built up to her but she is super understanding and it makes no different to her whether you're a female male walking on your hands blue and yellow stripes on your face she considers everyone the same and I am very blessed that She chased me and got me right after high school she still retains her punk rock attitude and edginess and open-mindedness to this day and I feel super lucky to have her we actually have our wedding pic somewhere in Susan's gallery I believe labeled Tatianas wedding pic and I'm sure if you seen her you would know what I mean and even today she looks about half her age.
she is also a big-time gamer and way back in the 90s she was really into it big time and had to have an Alienware PC that was about 8k then.
I'm certain you and her could talk for hours of the subject to me I remember when pong came out and that's about as far as I got because I really didn't have an interest in this.
My wife and I really loved all of your art stuff very much.
When looking in the mirror applying your makeup do you not see the girl behind your eyes that has been living there the entire time as I do Eryn?
please don't sweat All the Small Things that could distract you from your vision of the big picture that you are destined for my friend. See ya GF
Love Tatiana
Hello GF
I just wanted to let you know I'm still reading your stuff.
And I was reading some with my wife hearing she was kind of chuckling referring to providing mannerisms that are natural to CIS women and she just laughed because she catches me every single time and says you're posing, you're over exaggerating I never can get away with squat but maybe that's the way it is in my little world up here. Where women and men pretty much dress and act the same. I do know where you're coming from because when I lived and worked in the Detroit area it was much more pronounced but here up in the bush it's more necessity.
I don't know if you've experienced this with your wife but you know what I mean if you have tried it on her.
all the very best to you and yours
love Tatiana
Tatiana, girl, you are a saint, an angel, and an amazing friend! Thank you for continuing to be a part of my journey and I'm so glad my words made your wife smile, too!
I doubt I am 'better' than you at makeup, just today I was doing my makeup and it looked so bad that I had to use my mask again >.< I think part of it, really is how we see ourselves. I was having a conversation about this not long ago, I'm not on HRT yet and I've only been transitioning for a few months now. But a few months ago I saw an ugly man in the mirror, but now I can actually see the feminine side starting to come through and when I do my makeup well, its like BAM! In my face lol So, I definitely agree with you on that, and I think it's important that transgirls realize this to help themselves, too!
Yes, I am very grateful that transgender is a term, that there are communities like this one for us, and a big part of that is the internet, y'know? Like, in the 70s maybe there were many 'transgender' people all scattered, all feeling dysphoria, but unable to find any answers for themselves or something to guide them to overcome it. But now, with the internet, you search terms, people write blogs, which grow into widespread knowledge, becoming lists, tips, tricks, and everything growing so fast that it's impossible for any one person to keep track of it. I'm so grateful to be living in the age, I am. I've met so many wonderful people online, that I just want to hug in real life and cry for joy while doing so.
Your wedding picture is absolutely lovely! Yes, I can totally see the 'punk' in your wife's eyes (if that made sense?) lol Sadly, for me, though, mannerisms stem from the voice, and my wife is very particular about the progress I'm making. Voice being one of the last things(if not the very last), but I think Im going to try and get her on board at least partly before HRT because if its after and im physically changing, WITH voice, AND sudden mannerisms- it's going to be too much for her, I think.
It also doesn't help that in episode 14 of my letsplay, because Eryn said my wife hated her because she thought of her as a 'mean girl' now my wife sort of connects my voice to "that bi*ch" and doesn't quite connect it to me, yet. So, I ended-up accidentally making things harder for her.
Phew, anyway, onto some updates, how about it?! I'm always so busy, I try to write down notes but things are moving super super fast now!
So, to start things off, last Saturday I was heading down to a job and called my mom along the way, she wanted to talk to me about stuff. I had talked to her previously and it really feels like she is very passive aggressively saying being transgender is wrong for me, with religion as the main reason. Not that being transgender is wrong, just wrong for me. And after she destroyed my brother's diary, I decided to share mine(this thread) with her. In hindsight, it probably was too much, but honestly, I need her to understand everything I've gone through for myself to get to this point and what that means.
So, when I talked to her, she kept saying how my voice was surprising and she laughed a little. She was telling me about bible study and these classes she was going to called "How to Navigate a World of Gays, Bisexuals, and Gender-Identity for Christians." At the time, she hadn't gone yet, and I still dont know the details of the class, but I can guess what sort of rhetoric it entails. I talked more about HRT to her and she's like, "Yeah, but you don't know if HRT will lighten your hair, or remove it, or do this or do that" No, I don't know, but I still owe it to myself to at least try, y'know?
Our conversation ran a little long, and I needed get some fast food. I told her that I would have to use my voice, and she seemed nervous about being on the phone or hanging-up. And I know why. When I used it, all she could muster was, "when I hear it, I wanna cry." I didn't even do it very well, partly cause I was nervous, but mostly cause I had just gotten up shortly before driving. It was just 'surprising' hearing it recorded, but hearing it live seemed to crush her.
Well then, in Walmart, I tend to avoid conversation, but sometimes it finds me. I had a short conversation with a couple of different guys at Walmart, it was hard to feel like if I 'pass' or not. But they did seem somehow 'more friendly' in an odd way, to me. I wasn't wearing my mask that day, but I have had to resort to using it a few times since then, usually just because of time and not because my makeup looks awful. There was this one old guy that I talked to a few times, and at one point he asked me if I was a volleyball player. And it was such a strange question to me, that I was totally caught off-guard by it and asked him more about this. He said it seemed like I had the build of a volleyball player. So I guess my body shape(at least, to some) isn't quite the most feminine, but that's to be expected, I was born a man, after all. But this made me happy because my mannerisms, voice, and looks were able to overcome my body shape!
The next major thing to happen was I went to my therapist again last Tuesday, and this time, no mask whatsoever! She was really impressed by that, and that made me feel really good! It was an unusual time slot for me, and the place was full of people this time, it didn't bother me though, and I even saw another transwoman there, but I didn't tak to them, im not usually one to engage in conversation openly in real life, though I mean I do want to do that, I just had no idea what I would say in this case to this person. But if I see her again, I think I'll say, "You look beautiful." and go from there.
The plan was this visit to talk about my family more, and get a bit more in-depth about my brother, in particular. But instead we started talking some about the HRT clinic, and my daily causes of stress which led into me talking at great lengths about my indie game dev studio. So, the clinic wanted a written letter from her before they would schedule an initial appointment. But she was saying it was always that they made the appointment first, then she'd known when the letter was needed, in the past, could be a policy change, she is looking into it. I will have at least 5 more sessions before I planned to get on HRT, so plenty of time.
Whats weird is my mom somehow feels like the Kickstarter failing for the game I am working on and my status as transgender were somehow connected, and even more surprising is that my wife sort of agreed with her. I don't see the two things being related at all. I worked hard on the Kickstarter, but I kept working on the game anyway and the Kickstarter failing didn't really negatively affect my personal work ethic. But yeah, it certainly does affect my mood, stress, ect.
Like I've said before, I am a manager, designer, animator, writer, and whatever else for this game. When I first came on the team, because I lacked experience and was unsure of my ability I only had expected to be like a 'assistant designer' or something to aid the main one. And personally, things aren't looking too good right now with the indie company, and if I didn't want to complete this game so bad, I would have dropped it from life already as it is just draining time away from other things I love to do like socialize on Twitter or here, do my letsplays, draw, be Eryn, etc. We recently lost an essential artist that had been working on the project for over a year now, so things are definitely not looking so good right now with that.
I'm really self-conscious, like all the time, and especially about my voice. The only time I really use my voice now is while driving to/from jobs, and now not so much anymore because I am sometimes doing other things, too. And since retail stores absolutely REFUSE to turn up the volume on their radios, I can't sing while in stores and I hate that sooooo much! But, getting back to the therapist, she said I should really make an effort to use my voice at home because Eryn really only 'comes out' when I use the voice. And without, I don't feel like myself, and I can't express myself. So, I made the suggestion that maybe I could use my voice just while I am rubbing my wife's back before bed. But this was not a good idea. I was looking at how me talking about transgender stuff was easier on her while rubbing her back, so it seemed natural that this would just be a progression of that. But she recognizes my rubbing her back as one of the things we do as a couple, and she is not ready to give that up yet. She did say we could talk about other times I can use my voice, but she doesn't want it while rubbing her back.
I continue to improve(but also not) with my makeup. It like looks way way better, but also worse; which I think is good. I can actually get eyeshadow to show up now! I think it's just a few different shades that literally just disappear into my skin. I think what helped was applying foundation and then concealer blended with a less-damp sponge.
Throughout the week I kept feeling like I would hit a point with my voice, and it would just fail afterwards. Then I saw mention that having your tonsils removed can help with your voice somewhat; basically helps with a clearer voice across your entire range, even extending your range for some. And I asked my parents and I still have my tonsils, which is weird, cause I feel like almost everyone gets them removed as kids. My mom was concerned with complications, and when I talked to my wife, she basically said it's way too expensive. I forgot how much anesthesia is, and since it's considered cosmetic here, it wouldn't be covered by insurance, either. So, I guess tonsils out is just one of those things I might do one day, with enough research, but right now the price and risk for the possible minimal gain isn't worth it.
Another thing that my wife and I like to do together is go to the drive-in theaters, we don't do it much, and they're only open in the summer anyway. She even said she'd be okay with me presenting as female for it, which made my heart leap with joy! But, sadly, it rained that day, all day, really hard so we didn't go. And we're not sure when we'll get another weekend free to go, either.
Now, something I feel rather strongly about that's been going on has to do with the Twitch streamer I stumbled across on Twitter awhile ago. Saw them bringing up the idea for a transgender community of streamers, and I supported them in their vision, but very quickly, that vision became a reality with some of her other streamer friends! In that time I joined their Discord, I may join them as a streaming member(though I don't stream yet) I was already friends with a few people who joined the Discord, and just in general been meeting a lot of new people who are all awesome! I really like that community, too, and encourage anyone that would be interested to join. Look-up @PrettyNeatGamer on Twitter.
Now, I'm yet again, struggling to keep up with everything lol I feel like this discord is gonna replace twitter for me, and I'll just stick to posting specifically what I'm doing on Twitter, and not so many likes/retweets from others. I also learned about this manga while on that Discord server, and I can't wait to read it! It's called "The Bride was a Boy" and it's about a true story of this transwoman who meets a guy in Japan, they date and then get married! And its SUPER cutsey! Here's a pic:
(https://i.imgur.com/hg50uC2.jpg)
Oh! And I decided to change my channels name soon on Youtube/Twitch, after asking on the PrettyNeatGamer(PNG) Discord server ^^ I also tried to make shorter episodes, and did a capture recently of about 5 episodes I think? In the same time it would take me to do 3, before. And I really feel like i'm getting close to the end of Axiom Verge now, so I'll be playing something else soon, possibly!
I'm also looking forward to gushing nostalgia with my drawing practice sessions. I'd love to just 'be an artist' but baby, you gotta work for the things you want! Just like how I'm working to be a woman!
Anywho, here is some episode dumps lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUFVFxaY9hs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUFVFxaY9hs)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITjCqGfPjL4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITjCqGfPjL4)
Have a lovely day, and a lovely life all!
So, living with a spouse throughout all this is a rollercoaster in and of itself. Things seemed like they were getting worse and worse, but now I think they're better than ever! Alot has happened, LIKE A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT and I can't even begin to remember or go through everything, even when writing down certain points.
So, to start with it really seemed like my wife was tired of transgender this and transgender that. I know I was trying not to overwhelm here, and using advice I've learned from here, but it's really difficult for me, okay? I tend to go overboard with things, and finding my core, why I am who I am and being able to see how that affects everything in my life and how I want to express myself is way too big of a deal to not be all-encompassing.
I mean, it's hard not to have your ears perked up when you hear about a transgender book, movie, singer, comedian, what-have-you. As I'm sure mostly all of you can relate, there's like this unseen understanding or connection with others like us. I never felt connected with men, and I never could be connected with women; I may never be able to connect with those groups anyway, but I connect so easily, so completely with transgender people.
Anyway, so yeah, in my excitement about the manga I mentioned in the last post, The Bride was a Boy, I started to tell me wife about it. And before I could get the title out of my mouth, she answered in a groan, "Let me guess, it's about being transgender?" It truly is hard not to engross yourself in your identity, and there's so many things to understand, learn, and share as a woman or transwoman. I have several online friends within the LGBTQ+ community, I was interested in the movie "Your Name" before my transition began even, I'm now watching Twitch streamers who are trans or non-binary, I'm really for the first time ever finding the people I actually feel comfortable to be around, and I do tend to get a bit carried away. To stop my intense desire for these things in my life would require me to go down the path of detransition- which I can't and don't ever want to do!
That was a bit more story, some of these are just observations, though. Because I am taking notes and things are rather inconsistent at times. Anyway, I read a post on here about [content warning] urine having a different smell after your on hormones for awhile. And it was surprising to me. A few years ago, I noticed my urine smelled more like my wife's downstairs than how it used to smell distinctly different. And that smell hasn't changed, but I'm not on HRT. I am so confused to what that could possibly mean. [content warning over]
One of the people I look up to in the streaming community I joined tweeted about how they told their mother and she saw and treated them like a woman. And it was just a powerful moment, to me, to be reading that. I felt like something we all seek is to be seen and treated as our true gender by the people we know personally, but the truth is not all of us obtain that. And that's really sad. It is a gift and a blessing, something to be cherished. It is not something a cis person really cares about, they are already acknowledged as their gender- at least not in the same way as trans people are or arent. And that was something I felt I don't have yet, and that weighed on my mind. My wife says she sees me and treats me just like she would a woman; the kind of woman I am, is the kind she finds excessively annoying lol But I had to question it. Others in my life readily accepted me, but don't really talk to me right now. I don't know if they really see me as a woman, either.
Then came a really long and rough day. My voice isn't the best, but it's not terrible! At a drive-thru on my way to work, I was misgendered; and it didn't sound like they could tell I was trying to talk femme, to them, I just sounded male, I guess. It really put me down in the dumps. Then I realized I forgot to download my job to my device and had to call my manager or my wife to get the job number. I called my wife, I'm glad I did, but at the time I was full of regret.
She was having a really rough day, but so was I. And it just felt like I wasn't able to do anything right, and one thing she always hates is how I give excuses or rather explain why I did something the way I did. And I blurted out that I can't just admit I messed up, because I'm afraid it means I am just fouled up. And I wanted to bring it up to my therapist, but my wife is very emotionally driven and she explained that I'm not messed up, that I do so much for her, and that she just tends to over-react. She is so worried about me telling my therapist anything about her, I think she's concerned that the therapist would judge her or think ill of her for some reason.
The day was long, and very very dysphoric; btw I have been feeling more and more dysphoria as of late. I got back home and was messaging friends on Discord, I opened-up about my past as a bully. And also tried to encourage them with their voices. They said such nice things about my voice that I felt much better after talking with them.
I was originally going to go to the Pride Festival on the 28th, but my friend from out of state was unable to come and my wife's friend's wedding reception was that day, too. The night before I clipped my finger nails, they were getting loooooong lol and I tried to file them, I don't think I did a very good job. But it is like only my second time filing them, so cool it, okay?
Anyway, I now understood exactly why I felt so uncomfortable in a monkey-suit at weddings. I would much rather be wearing a pretty dress. Even though we knew a few people there, it was still really uncomfortable for the both of us. My wife spent a great deal of time talking to her friend from high school, and she was super cool! I showed her some of the assets from the game I'm working on. Also, the bride's brother made an arcade cabinet in his garage, he showed me pictures. It was so well-crafted, sleek, and functional that I actually got a little aroused...ahem! The cabinet could play classic NES games and even N64 games; though it didnt have enough buttons for N64. It had the start, 6 buttons, and joystick; looked just like a fighter arcade machine and it was so friggin cool! They did some wiring with the Raspberry Pi, I don't really understand it, but my goodness I was gushing over this thing!
Aside from that, a good bit of conversation was really just me being put on the spot about what I'm working on and awkward deliveries out of my mouth about it. And also telling funny stories about how much of an ignorant man I was/am, and it was upsetting, but I couldn't dent that what was mentioned had indeed occurred. But I really don't ever want to be that dumb, ignorant man anymore.
I was browsing Youtube and saw this vocal coach school video thingie about something called Vocal Fry. And how it was described matches closely with the kind of 'distortion' we girls need to affect our voice in the way we want. And how my voice breaks apart or sounds like I've been smoking, definitely seemed like that is vocal fry. So I am trying to be more careful about it.
Then we finally come to the most recent events(though plenty of stuff was happening all throughout) Yesterday, I did a bunch of nice things for my wife and she said, "You're a god among men." She meant it as a compliment, and also didn't realize she was misgendering me. I was kinda taken aback by it, prior to this point the only people to misgender me are drive-thru employees or walmart employees. But this was different, it felt a bit soul crushing, like I was an absolute fool for thinking I could ever be a woman. My wife didn't and couldn't see me as a woman, I felt. And I was in the middle of trying to work on something personal, but all life drained from me- I did talk to an artist on Twitch during their stream, and they helped me a bit, which was nice.
My wife sensed I was feeling uncomfortable about something and asked it, so I told her kind of indirectly at first. I remember talking(without seeing each other) me downstairs, her upstairs, "What's bothering you?" "When you said I was a god among men." "What about it?" (I could hear her voice starting to choke-up) "I don't think you do or can see me in 'that' way." "In what way?" "As a woman" Not verbatim, but the gist of the conversation.
Then she stormed into our room and locked the door, which she has never done before. I tried to get in for awhile and just hung out, eventually she opened it and we had a long conversation. One thing she was upset is how I accused her that she won't be able to see me as a woman, after she's been trying so hard to be supportive, but I diffused the problem when I used my words very carefully and explained- I don't think you do or can see me as a woman, right now. I never said you won't.
I had been feeling way more dysphoria than ever lately, and I just felt like I understood. Okay? I get it! I look nothing like a woman right now, so I shouldn't expect people to just be able to do that, but it's not like I don't want it- and she recognized this. She didn't feel it was wrong for me to want it, but for now it's probably too much to just expect it.
Prior to this talk, we butted heads on me using my voice and wearing womens clothes around the house. She felt I was pushing her too much, and asking too much but I was also starting to feel more and more dsyphoric about everything. That's when she agreed to a few things, that has helped me TREMENDOUSLY today! She said, I am okay to wear girl clothes on my days off. We bought what she calls "booty shorts" for me and they're basically a little too much to wear in public- though I have seen girls wearing them in public, just not 30yr-old women lol And she said I can actually start using my voice around the house, just when I first get home and talk about my day for now; but we'll build from there. This hasn't occurred yet, but it will tomorrow so that will be interesting when it happens.
Then tonight was positively wonderful for me. I got the sleep I so needed, and my wife wanted to cook nuggets and mashed potatoes. She thought it was a weird combo, but then I brought up KFCs famous bowls which we both love, and she decided to make a homemade version! It was sooo yummy!
And when she got up from her nap and was starting to put it all together, and I was helping but I also screwed-up the steps for instant mashed potatoes...yea, seriously, and even after Ive done them right before; I am often day dreaming. Oh, before I forget, before she got up from her nap I shaved all of my legs and put on those booty shorts as well as a tank top that says, "If you were a Pokemon, I'd choose you!" and I was very basic Hottopic chic. Also noticed I have absolutely no butt whatsoever, I must have been fooling myself in the past- that sucks.
Anyway, while starting to get things ready to cook, she suggested we watch Your Name and if I were a puppy, my tail woulda been a wagging! I popped it in, we watched it together. It was a breath-taking movie, I felt so many tight pangs in my chest, I almost cried, I just wanted to cry like a monsoon. I loved that movie so much! It was beautiful, not what I expected, and ultimately the best example of 'threads of time' that I've seen.
Spoiler, maybe
In the movie they talk about how time and unions weave, bond, break, and rebond again. It was demonstrated beautifully by the story and it really set my heart at ease and gave me hope again for the relationship of my wife and I. I felt like, prior to this, if I bond is broken, or a union collapses, that is just the end of it. How many people have gotten divorces and then end-up remarrying the same person? I know plenty of people break-up as a couple and get back together, but it just seems different when you go through binding rituals such as a wedding.
And well, because of my status as a transgender woman. I doubt that my wife could ever love me like she used to, or at all. And I had seriously thought about wanting a man, not just for his penis, but to treat me like a real woman and love me, too. But those feelings kind of evaporated after seeing Your Name, and hearing about bonds breaking and mending. THe union I had with my wife as a man, is definitely breaking or broken, but there's no reason it can't be mended once more.
And finally, to end the day, my wife in her very 'her' way of complimenting my female appearance said... "I was kind of really worried about you in those shorts. But, and this is weird to me but I'm saying it because I think it'll make you happy as a woman. I cannot see your penis, I don't know how you did it, but it's like gone!"
I guess, all along, I just needed to show her that I am a woman.
Phew, no idea how long that was, but here are many more uploads of my lets play for Axiom Verge lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IDfRHG40qQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IDfRHG40qQ)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0ZRX9tw4WE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0ZRX9tw4WE)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDijVR4vFsI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDijVR4vFsI)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ku5OBGffkTc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ku5OBGffkTc)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8gSCqiOKV0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8gSCqiOKV0)
Wow, some ups and downs there! Glad I stopped by to catch up. So happy things to be working out better with your wife, I can't even imagine how difficult managing a relationship during all this would be, I'm terrified of even trying.
Hey GF
Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner,
I've been a little busy gathering firewood, and I'm a little behind in it.
Thanks for the compliments but there's really no need for them, we are all here just trying to help each other and I guarantee you you're far more knowledgeable then I am about makeup and many other things.
I wanted to tell you one thing that I learned from everyone out here, and possibly a little due to First feelings of HRT dissipating the cloud that has been in my mind.
Don't stress yourself out too much over all the details trying to get everything perfect because transition is as individual and personal as it can get. It sounds like you're shooting for operating in stealth when you're done and you know I wish you the very best for this if it's what you want.
I was a little confused about how much transitioning is needed which caused me a lot of stress to tell you the truth, and one look at my avatar it's quite clear it's almost Mission Impossible and I'm not willing to try and achieve this because I don't want to go through all the things that might not be necessary for me just feel comfortable in my own skin.
Let me see if I can get this point better across, by paralleling it to a train ride from New York to Los Angeles.
With Los Angeles meaning you've done everything you can do to yourself that you can, and the first stop will represent HRT alone.
Okay so this transition train ride leaves New York and makes its first stop in Chicago and some of us will get off there because we're already at our destination and don't need to go any farther.
So this train heads on towards L.A.with most of its members because they all feel they need more.
And then it stops in Denver where another third of the members get off there needing a little surgery let's say added on top of HRT. Now this group has reached its final destination and is happy to stay here and needs no more.
Then the train heads out with a third of the members left, headed for LA
Because they feel they need the whole nine yards, the whole ball of Wax to achieve their final destination goals.
My point was there is no right or wrong way where we end up it's all based on all of our own individual situations and desires.
I just recently came to this realization, and let me tell you it took a lot of pressure off because I realize I don't need to go to LA to achieve happiness. Don't get over-anxious too much sweetheart about the details keep your visualization on the big picture and see it develop as needed.
I hope this idea helps a little, I know it helped me.
I hope your transition train ride ends at the destination you want, O, talkative one.
All my very best to you and your wife,
Keep her on the train with you, she is your best asset, glad to hear things are smoothing out between the two of you.
love Tatiana
Yes, Ellie! I am very, very fortunate to have my wife as an ally and friend throughout all this. Sometimes she makes dumb mistakes, but it's just cis things and I made too many mistakes to count especially before I started transitioning. Recently, she said she was okay going out(to do errands and stuff) together with me in a dress- this was completely unprompted, too! The bad part of my brain says she only said it cause she knew I'd turn down the idea, but the good part says she really isn't ashamed of me(like I was once of her) she really is way too good for me, I'm so blessed to have her! *sob*
And hey, Tatiana, girl! I was happy to drop by your HRT firt-impressions thread and I'm so happy for ya! Also, I love your train analogy. I'm not sure which stop I'll end up. I have no current plans to go all the way to L.A., like I don't intend on ever getting SRS or FFS. And seeing somewhat better results from covering my shadow as well as people commenting on body hair once they start HRT makes me think I might not even do electrolysis, but I'm just not sure.
No, I think who I am and the situation I am in is what makes everything so rushed, so busy, so complicated, and not my transition itself. That is more-or-less some added time(time that I need to be myself, but time nonetheless) taken away from my busy schedule. The more recent issues with my voice has done some to regulate my schedule a bit, and it's still a bit chaotic. I tend to thrive when I have a lot of things to do, but it's a delicate balance between too much to handle and not enough that I just decide to lax on certain things.
Onto what's been going on recently...
So, my wife and I followed-through with me using my voice for the little initial interaction we have when I get home from work. This happened only once before I wrecked my voice(getting to that soon!) It felt kind of weird, and I was pretty nervous. I only spoke a few sentences at best. My wife is used to giving me minor requests like alllll the time, and in the past I kinda felt a bit more like her butler than her partner. This time, I thought of myself as a maid, and it made me a bit giddy.
My wife, honestly, felt really uncomfortable with giving me these requests/orders and having me reply in my voice. I think before, she just saw it as her man helping her, but now it's different like this. With the voice, there was some definite tension in how she responded. Also, when I proudly let her know I remembered to do something already, she felt like it came off a bit sassy. Not like male back-talk, but like genuine female sass. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, do I sound sassy?
Shortly after that came the issues with my voice, and I think my reaction to everything made her realize just how important my voice is to me; perhaps before she thought it was just some silly thing I was doing, idk it's hard to tell. Anyway
I'm worried that I may have actually pushed my voice too far this time. I didn't(and honestly, still don't) know if I will be able to recover. I would like to think it's possible, though. What happened is while singing, I forced my larynx so far back in my throat using my neck muscles that mid-song I felt like I 'choke' or 'skip' and I imaged that I like pushed against the 'shelf' too hard and had the muscle flip inward. So, my larynx could no longer 'rest' on it or be 'caught' by it to amplify the resonance. I could still use my voice, but not without tremendous effort and I basically can't sing at all. Whereas before I could sing for over an hour in the car without much issue, now I am barely able to get through a single song without my voice sounding awful, straining like crazy, and being completely out of breath and energy by the end.
I had a acute fit of dysphoria that triggered from the loss of my voice. It felt like while my body was helping me transition before, now it was fighting against me. Because several things: it seemed like my hair was thinning out way way faster the past couple weeks, I can't seem to get rid of all these razor burns and ingrown hairs(I love being smooth and showing skin, but my skin looks all scarred and it's upsetting), the outfits I love the most I just look awful in they like magnify the fact that I don't have a remotely female figure, and I am failing with makeup once again.
I am pretty devestated(or at least, was) without my voice- I just could no longer reach that sense of Euphoria I had before. (but tonight I got close, while walking, it feels like my hips are naturally moving in a more feminine way, somehow) As I might have explained before, for me, everything stems from my voice. Since I'm laughable at best with makeup, and I'm not on HRT yet so my appearance is basically moot, all I have is my voice. Alot of passing comes down to attitude, mannerisms, and voice patterns(not just sound) but these things feel impossible to do without my voice, and with my voice, they come so naturally that I don't even need to think about it- I just do it. I feel trapped, again, like before I start transitioning, but with the knowledge and experience I have now, it definitely does make it worse.
I setup an appointment with an ENT and the earliest they could see me was the 30th, which was entirely too long away. Each day that passed since losing my voice felt like an eternity, and I couldn't focus enough to be productive at all(still somewhat can't focus) And my wife suggested I call around and look for different ENTs and so I did, and I am really glad I did! Since I found one that said they could see me as early as the next day!
I was pushing a lot of risks on this doctor visit, like I didn't mention I was transgender(did that with the other ENT), setup the appointment with my old voice, and was determined to put on makeup again and all that. I also discovered my favorite outfit right now(ill have to post a picture later) which I wore for the first time to there.
So, I get to the hospital. I was looking for their section, a lady approached me cause I seemed lost and we talked briefly she pointed me in the right direction. She didn't treat me weird or anything, so I think I was passing in her eyes. I get to the ENT office, talking to the secretary and checking in, they asked if I know when the patient was going to arrive! After I said I was the patient, she still seemed confused then she looked at my driver's license and got it that time lol It felt really good, and was just the boost I needed before seeing the doctor.
They weighed me, and I had probably a few pounds with my purse and shoes but was about 150, which is much higher than I thought I was. I haven't weighed myself in so long, though, as my wife pointed out. That I probably gained a lot more weight and then lost some; muscle also weighs more than fat, and I have pretty muscular legs right now, I think. In my feeble attempts to 'tone, lift, and shape' my buttocks.
I met with a few people, staying in my voice the entire time, though it was not very strong. I had to explain that I had only been working on my voice for a few months and this really caught them off-guard.
When I met with the actual ENT, though, I tried to explain to them what I thought what might be going on. And I think he was stupified and slightly horrified by what I was talking about with the shelf(since I couldn't remember the muscle's name) and he told me to just "throw that out the window" but he was also an older gentlemen, and probably just was unaware of such a technique, is all.
Anyway, so they were gonna look at my throat and sprayed this stuff up my nose which makes your throat go really numb. It was a weird, weird sensation and make it almost impossible to swallow. When they left to get equipment and let the numbing effect intensify, I was starting to panic in a room by myself where it felt like I couldn't breathe and I almost gagged, too.
But I didn't, and that's good. They told me vomit would only make things way worse because of the stomach acid, I had originally thought a big force pushing outward from within would 'reverse' what I did before.
They didn't find anything severely 'wrong' with how my throat looked, which is a good sign, but also is like, terrifying because then I don't know if what's going on with my voice is actually something I can hope to cure. Basically, my vocal cords were just really swollen. And this feeling of 'bumping against muscle' with my larynx that I've been having since that 'skip' was actually just the enlarged portion of my cords pumping against it, I think.
I'm taking it easy now, and hoping that I can recover to where I was before this all happened. And in order to avoid something like this happening again, I have been reaching out to various vocal coaches on Thumbtack. It seems like none of them have worked with transgender clients before, but I think just treating me as a female vocalist would be the best bet.
In the past I had prided myself on being able to train my voice to such a level without professional assistance, and I am still glad that I did it. But, because of my lack of knowledge with how to properly control and most importantly CARE for my voice, I hurt myself. And I could have potentially cause irreversible damage, so yeah, definitely need a vocal coach to avoid losing my voice once and for all. But that day was far from over, it was a long one and the first time I received something worse than a simple misgendering mistake.
So, I went through a burger king after one of my jobs and ordered in my voice, cause obviously I'm wearing a dress. The cashier heard female, but one look at me and all she saw was male. At first I wanted to compliment her on her nails, but things went downhill fast.
Soon as she got my card, she could barely contain her laughter behind the glass. I thought maybe she just really liked my card(I get compliments on it from time-to-time, its a Finding Nemo card) that when she called up another employee to look at it, I was kinda embarrassed. But the employee came up, looked at me, started laughing, then called up yet another employee. I just got to be a freakshow for their amusement that day. What's worse is it almost seemed like they purposesly delayed letting me get all of my food and my card just so they could mock me longer. When I got the first bag back, the original girl said, "Here you go, sir, I mean ma'am" (she said it in a way that it was an obviously fake mistake) and then went back to laughing, actually exited her station and a different girl handed me some more of my order who was grinning and trying not to laugh.
I felt just horrible from the whole experience, for obvious reasons. But the fact that I was self-conscious of my makeup and needing to be cautious with my voice made me feel like I just couldn't do anything except sit there and take it. I can't oppose their mockery because I lack any evidence to show that I shouldn't be mocked. I know this is probably not an uncommon thing, it was just the first time I've dealt with it, and I really am not prepared for those kinds of encounters yet.
But I mean, ain't that just typical transgender life? Having to convince people that you're AMAB, and then an hour later being mocked and ridiculed as a freak in a dress.
Naturally, I don't have any updates to my letsplay, because of my voice. I just hope in 2 weeks time, my voice is back to normal. I will have to kind of re-train it, which I'm not looking forward to, in all honesty.
I enjoyed reading your post as our journeys have been similar. I wish for you all the best! Remember, some dreams were made to come true! ♥
Hello GF
First off I'm so glad to hear the way you and your wife are getting together, she sounds like a real keeper and I'd hang on to her tight because she'll be a wonderful asset to have in the future and it's definitely a great thing to share together as soulmates.
But I also feel very sad for you the way you were treated at your doctor's and especially the way you were mistreated at Burger King.
I'm very glad to hear that there was nothing majorly wrong with your wonderful voice but I must say it sounded like some bad karma occurred before you even went in to see the doctor.
I actually think it's a good thing that your wife got sassy with you in a different way than you've been used to. To me it sounds like she's coming to terms with the big picture and I think it's just wonderful that you both are interacting in a new area.
I'm sure that you felt quite dysphoric after losing one of your best assets.
It would be like me going to the barbershop for a brush cut, Yikes.
I know that this would almost kill me because that was my only asset that I had with this big male body that I had no business living within.
I think the way you were treated at Burger King in the Drive-Thru was completely unexcusable.
After all you're the customer and you're the one who's supposed to get it your way.
I would imagine you would like to let the situation go but I feel you would be justified to send an email or write a letter to the appropriate Personnel at Burger King headquarters.
Or even contact the local newspaper and describe the way you were treated at that Burger King. If you remember any of their names it would definitely put them in the hot seat where they deserve but as I said earlier you just might want to Let It Go and move on.
I really think you have a courageous and indomitable Spirit to go out there with makeup on and in a dress and just want to be treated with basic human courtesy that you were not.
I know you're not on HRT yet but I'm sure you felt the power of psychology allowing your brain and body to feel more harmonious.
I wouldn't worry too much about your voice the human body is wonderful at repairing itself with the situation you described.
Hang in there o, talkative one, relish the thoughts of you already have started a brand new chapter in both your lives.
As always, all the best to you and yours
love Tatiana
Oof, a bit of an over-due update *cracks knuckles* here we go!
yes, Violet! Recently I watched the movie The Greatest Showman, my wife really loved it and so did I. One thing they say in a song is 'dreaming with your eyes wide open' that sort of message really speaks to me right now. Dreams aren't something you're meant to chase, they're something you're meant to live- so keep your eyes open and your dreams'll come true, or something like that!
Yeah, Tatiana, girl. It really, really hurt to lose my one good asset. But I think it also helped give me a bit of time to try and focus on other things that I either was ignoring over my voice, or was lacking. Early on I really loved the way I walked, and I had kind of started to feel normal about it until I lose my voice; and with it, all my confidence. But it really does feel amazing to walk like a woman, and no I am not exaggerating my hip swings or anything. Gosh, I could froth at the mouth just thinking about if I ever get some fat around my butt cheeks...anyway.
I, unfortunately, did not take notice of their names or anything and nothing has been done about it. But I mean, I do feel that people are gonna be out there like that, and much worse, I need to be more prepared.
So, looking over my notes....I did not write enough stuff down, so once again I'll try to go on memory, there's a lot of little things and frankly I have been doing a whole lotta socializing on Discord lately.
But to start things off, I actually had a day off work after practically working every day for I don't know how long. And I used that opportunity to wear some of my girl clothes that I basically can't or don't wear in public. I like, really lose A-shirt and some super short sporty shorts- the kind that end right about where normal underwear does.
So, I'm wearing this cute, casual outfit and I have to bend over to pick something up for my wife, and out of no where, she slaps my ass! AND THEN IT JIGGLED! She was like, "It jiggles!" And I was like, "Did it do that before?" and she said, "I don't think so." and then she proceeded to slap it a few more times lol Can't for the life of me figure out why I was bending over so much that day >:-)
I heard that many girls use FaceApp to see the female version of themselves before HRT and it gave them courage or hope to keep transitioning. A girl on twitter, same age as me, realized she was transgender only about a few weeks ago and used the app, and is even getting approved for HRT within this week! WILD! Anyway, I made a poll on Twitter, cause I didn't really want to just do it without any support, I am much too self-conscious for that when it comes to my face(and just about everything). I was afraid that I'd be disappointed, that I'd be hideous, or that I just wouldn't like what I see. Well, the poll closed and here's the result:
(https://i.imgur.com/NaGI9cZ.jpg)
I don't necessarily like it, but I think that's more that I like weirdly like my mom when she was younger. Or I guess that's not weird at all, after all, genetics, am I right? haha I also did the male filter as an experiment, and wow, I look really different as a man, so I guess that's gotta be a good thing!
Another weird thing, out of the blue my wife brought up wanting to go shopping for sex toys again. She is worried about me getting an infection of some kind by using cucumbers. And good reason, I used to just use them once then throw away, I started using them multiple times, and I don't know when it happens exactly, but they get moldy. And one time I picked it up, "Oh, hello, friend! Are you going to play with me tonight?" "*cough* *cough* No, Eryn, Im sick, sick forever, Im sorry." "Oh, Nooooo! Mr. Cucumber, Whyyyyy?" *ahem* so yeah, I didn't do it that night. Now, something I have started doing more recently is bouncing off of it in my chair, and that just makes me want a real one to grind into so much more; it's an absolute crime for these things to actually be so pleasurable. Many have said the feeling in their body get's so much more intense and stronger on HRT, and I think that could literally break my brain, at least during. I am both anxious and terrified at the prospect.
Some really crazy update, though, it seems like my mom is now fully supportive. And she has even attempted calling me Eryn! She's the only one in my real life who has done that! She listened to the entire blog I posted on soundcloud, and I guess that was enough to convince her that this is the right path for me, and THAT IS INCREDIBLE! Just a few weeks ago she was going to a Christian seminar on "How to Navigate a World of Gay and Gender Identity" and just the other day she went to a support group for Parents with transgender kids! Just, it's so hard to believe sometimes! Not only that, but she told my Uncle and his ex-fiancee who both attended with her. Everyone seems super supportive, and that's just the best. I feel like nothing is really lacking in my life at this point, aside from being able to do makeup well. I really think, I'm just going to need to go to school for it or something, cause like I need hands-on assistance and critique and guidance. Sephora was nice, but it wasn't comprehensive enough.
I recently heard back from a dear friend here on Susans, and I am overjoyed to hear about how they're doing and hoping to continue to keep in touch. They attended a pride festival and said Kim Petras was performing there, I had no idea who that was. So, I looked it up and WOW, her voice I was totally blown away by it and it's crazy to think she's transgender, too! Now, granted, I managed to not completely hate my voice when I realized she was put on HRT before hitting puberty, so her voice didn't drop like many of ours have. And this was a topic of contingency for my wife and I. Anyway, here is a link to her single "Heart to Break" it is teeny bopper music to the MAX and I am friggin in love with it. Couldn't get this song out of my head for like a whole week.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CPeHQHAQyo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CPeHQHAQyo)
So, my wife feels like she wouldn't make the decision to have someone transition before puberty. Her perspective is that's the time of a person's life where they "truly find out who they are" but that flies in the face of transgender folk everywhere. If I had realized I was transgender before my voice dropped during puberty, AND THEN IT DROPPED, I'd be so devastated... I mean, there's plenty to debate about kids not being ready for this or that and needing guidance, but when its something as personal and unique to the individual as your gender, I think on a case-by-case basis the answer will be clear.
Back to Kim. I watched a small interview and a bit of a larger one. I love what her father said about her and the situation. "We saw Kim as our daughter, not as a problem." and I think this is something people really need to get through their heads, not on this site, im preaching to the choir, but out there in the rest of the world. Being transgender doesn't mean something is wrong with you, but alas, so many people see it exactly as that. Anyway, so Kim has a mega powerhouse of a voice! And it's almost like she has a super voice because men are naturally born with a bigger vocal range(though that might be due to it dropping in puberty, now that I think about it) and Kim was able to preserve her beautiful voice and have a bigger range than most, too. It's just so crazy!
Talking about Kim made me think a whole lot about starting HRT, too, again. I am just so sick of being a man, and the time is fleeting. It made me recall, as a devout Christian, I used to worry that Jesus was going to come back before I had a chance to accomplish anything in my life as a game designer(or otherwise) and now that fear is back, in the form of HRT. What if Jesus comes back before I have the opportunity have HRT? I am so gonna low-key stress about that for the next 4 months probably...
I think alot of that anxiety was due to having dysphoric weekends. It was rough, I had several things I wanted to do, but I couldn't find it within myself to get anything done. I even could have worked on my blog here on Susans, but I just didn't. I just felt so weak and insignificant without my voice, without something that could directly affirm to others my real gender. And while it seemed like my wife is being better and more open to a possible intimate relationship with me as a woman, I think she is also really scared and confused by it. Because she has insisted the last week or so I stop kissing her on the lips. It might be my imagination, but I feel like as one girl to another, that has a deeper-rooted meaning, right? lol
Well, my voice actually started to recover! And it was almost completely back, I am so happy. I took it easy, trying to lean into it a bit slowly and re-exercise the muscles in my neck after I hadn't been really using them for weeks. And as my lesson with my first vocal coach was approaching, I was feeling a bit more confident in it.
So, today my lesson happened. And I was super nervous, the lady said she wanted me to prepare a lyric from any song so she could see how I hold a note. And I practiced for a short bit among doing lots of other things, and I didn't feel quite ready even leading up to 10 minutes before the trial lesson.
Talking to her was nice, she seemed to like my voice but I don't know if she felt it sounded feminine at all. She asked pretty basic introductory questions like, "Why do you want vocal training?" And I tried to emphasize that I don't need to sing well or professionally, I enjoy singing disney songs with my wife, but what's most important is that I can use my voice practically all day if I must without breaking or straining it to the point I hurt myself. She really wants me to pursue at least 'something' with what she called my 'classical voice' and what I call a 'deeper falsetto' it was hard to tell if she was buttering me up so I'd insist on more lessons or if she genuinely sees potential or even liked my voice. I honestly think she did actually like my voice at least a little, because when I started singing the deep falsetto, she closed her eyes and I saw a smile go across her face and when I was done she was super excited. I dunno, it's hard to appreciate myself, I guess.
Anyway, I tweeted about it, including the 4 styles of singing that I typically do(normal femme voice, falsetto, deep falsetto, and my old voice) Here is that:
https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/1034250566220886016 (https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/1034250566220886016)
Oh yeah, one thing I forgot to mention and noticed it in the tweet when I got the link there(sorry for those listening only) when I mentioned I would be going on HRT later this year, she protested, exclaiming it would ruin the sound of my voice. And I tried to explain to her that evidence points to E having little to no effect on voice, and even if it does wouldn't it be a positive effect, I'm confused? But I was pretty irked that my wife agreed with her. Okay, I do love my voice and I guess it sounds female, but like the rest of me looks anything but female 95% of the time. Voice is important, but unless I just do everything from home, Im going to want my genuine female body, too. That should go without saying after everything I've already said in this blog.
But, now that my voice has recovered and I feel more confident than ever with it, I am going to do my best to not starve myself, sleep adequately, practice a little bit every day, and try to help others.
Speaking of helping others, I have been one chatty girl over on Discord; outpouring so much info to everyone that it's impossible to wrap it all up, for the most part. One friend I wanted to help them with tucking, so I ending up recording a video about tucking; I didnt really have a script or know what I was doing, so I hope the angles were good and it made sense. Then I got invited to another Discord server, one for really NSFW stuff, where I can freely be closeted nympho that Eryn is. And talking with the friend who invited me, it revealed something to me. They're a cool person and ask a lot of questions, and Im happy to answer and just be a part of someone else's life. They are kind of similar to me in that their male self has eroded away to let them become their female self, and when explaining John versus Eryn I realized just how 'opposite' they tend to be...and this is just direct copy/paste what I told her:
yea, cause like Eryn wants to socialize, be everyones friend, have fun, make jokes, etc.
John is concerned about work, accomplishments, getting results, making sure people are doing what they're supposed to, etc.
Eryn is also concerned about everyone's happiness, wanting to make everyone's lives better somehow. And loving herself
John was only focused on his own happiness, felt like he was inferior to everyone else(and thats all that mattered to him) and hating himself
I think I internalized everything I wanted to be, but wasn't and created Eryn, possibly.
John is also an asexual prude who hates sex and the culture/mentality around it in both public and private respects.
While Eryn is a bit sex-starved, extremely thirsty and like a nyphomaniac
Some stuff coming up that Im sure to include in my next blog post is: a trial lesson with a different vocal coach, another visit to my therapist, and more letsplay episodes with my voice all recovered YAY!
Have a wonderful evening and life you beautiful, beautiful people, until then, Byeeeeee!
@Eryn T Wow Eryn such a big chunk of text :D
It's great your family become supportive :) I know it can be weird, but also relief.
Cool that your voice is up. Seems you busy helping people here and there, even me :)
Thank you, Alice! I have been through a bit of a roller coaster with my voice, its going well right now, though, I think!
Goodness, where to begin, many things have happened. Like, really milestone-like things, but also lots of emotional struggle-type stuff, too!
So, a bit of a downer to start with, a bad experience at the nail salon place I went to before. They were great last time! But this time...not so much. So, I really love the oval-shape nails, and I feel so much more feminine when they are longer. Since beginning my transition, my nails are consistently longer than they have ever been at any point in my life and I'm very concerned with chipping, peeling, and just damaging them in general. It was way past time to go to the salon. And I got a lady that I hadn't met or seen before. She was really aggressive with my nails, it felt like she wasn't even paying attention to what she was doing half of the time.
See, last time I did my nails, I wore my mask, but this time since I was having dinner after, I figured I'd just go in male-mode to make customers more comfortable. But I feel like that is code for, "be rough, it doesn't matter the end result." She caused 2 of my fingers to begin bleeding during, and then applied some really stingy stuff to them, and after I left, I noticed 2 other fingers started bleeding, too. This made me really upset, cause I loved my long nails, they had a mostly great oval shape to them, too. But, this was such a poorly done job, that I feel like looking for a different place now, possibly; it's like she file'd away any femininity from me, and that hurt.
I bit naughty-ness incoming
So, I had been getting closer to a friend who has almost no filter(like me!) and it's been great being her friend and also joining her little communities, SFW, and NSWF. I asked her a few questions about sucking a dick. I think I'd obviously be really terrible at it, at first, but can improve. One thing I was very concerned with is my missing teeth. As a man, it didn't matter, no one was looking favorably at me anyway and my wife doesn't mind. But, a woman smiling with missing teeth, I think people notice that much more and think harshly of it. In this case, I was concerned that I may never be able to suck one properly or be able to give pleasure by doing so since something like a partial might not be the most secure and move independently from the rest of my mouth. That aside, I tried taking a cucumber that I had but hadn't used yet and sucking on it. I think I have a really small mouth or something, I got maybe 1.5 inches in my mouth and that was the most I could take. I suppose if I really wanted to practice, bananas would be good? They're softer, anyway.
In actual transition news, I got a call back from the clinic which provides HRT! I'm just going to be a new patient, but I was put on the waiting list for 2 months and now my appointment is October 19th! Which is really good. I really want to start HRT asap, I'm so sick of not being able to recognize anything remotely feminine about myself except my voice. And despite doing well with it, I'm more critical than ever of it now, so I don't think it sounds as good as I thought.
My mom, as devote Christian, sends me daily bread(shorts stories about faith and junk) and we talk about them sometimes. I don't remember what triggered it, but when I was younger, I think I was under-developed or much slower to grow in my brain than the rest of me. I've always been pretty 'meh' at remembering things. I'm the worst at names/dates, but this was about connections.
I tried reflecting on my past, thinking about what I have done, who I have met, and the significance of all that. I remember some people, like a feeling or an emotion wrapped in other emotions, maybe a handful of 'events' but nothing more. I feel like thats pretty normal, but I wish I could remember more. As I looked back on friends and family and the memories, I really just wanted to cry. Like, I fell into a heap. "Am I really going to forget the friends I've made on Susans? Twitter? Discord? How soon would that happen?" I spent almost 2 decades living with my family, and I can only recall a handful of memories; some, which I don't know actually happened or not. In particular, I tried to think of what I learned from my dad and mom, because the original daily bread had to do with being raised right or something. I do think I got my pragmatic nature, open-mindedness, and work ethic from my dad. And my blunt honesty, desire to do good, and enthusiasm for learning from my mom. Though, I'm sure they taught me more things that I could even count. I reason that, I may have learned something from them, but I re-learned or saw it applied differently at a point in time and that memory replaced the old one. I understand this is NOT how memories work, but if it's how you think they work, then I guess it's true?
Touching a bit on my voice. It feels like it is going to be a precious commodity for a long time. Like I'm having to think critically about how I am rationing my usage of it, because it strains easily. And I think this is because, my actual voice has increased over the years a bit(even before my transition) my wife has said this to me, but I didn't believe her until my lesson yesterday with my vocal coach, who I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be dropping soon. And I'll get to that near the end. My wife has been opening-up more and more to my voice. I don't know if it's because she sees how distressed I get, or what, but it's nice to have her finally supporting me with it!
In gaming news, one of my friends from PrettyNeatGamers uses a program called Parsec to play online with her girlfriend across the country. We all talked about playing sometime and then I ended up playing with her and a friend from Chile who is a speedrunner. We played an emulated version of Mario Party 2. It was a lot of fun, I used to love playing those games, I can't remember the last time I played one! It's also kind of surreal, too. I mean, as a trans girl, I tend to seek out and surround myself with other trans girls; and I might expect conversations to flow a certain way, but that is anything but. Still, I had a great time, and I actually won both boards we played on! The first one was really surprising, cause I was dead last til like the 3rd from the last round!
I know I mentioned it last time, about how Eryn and John tend to be opposites. And I was reading the thread here about the Persona and Shadow quite a bit. I had never studied Jung, and what I learned about that dichotomy came mostly from the Persona series of video games. In any case, I do think Eryn is the more natural/emotional state of myself, while John is more societal(in that he pursues status, wealth, ect) I also kind of think about how the Nine Tails(Kyuubi) prison is portrayed in the Naruto anime series. Seals that keep her inside. I think I could have possibly held Eryn in for a bit longer than I did, how much longer I don't know. These seals were being broken one by one by the shifting elements in my own life, each one making it more and more possible for me to just go for it. My intense sexual desires that I tried to lock-up, my adjusting relationship with my wife, my occupation, my feelings toward my own body, myself trying to reconnect with video games, myself longing to connect with friends again, the fact I could browse articles and videos online specifically for helping a transition, and just this lingering unhappiness that seemed to make no sense. Each of those thing being present made the seals a bit weaker, and Eryn closer to the surface. Now, I can easily visualize just being her, being who I have always been and was always meant to be, and it just being right.
Talking about my issues with my body. I think my shape is not all that unattractive, but lacks in any one definition. It is clearly still a man's body. And I have been trying to use waist cincher/trainers to shape myself better; also squeeze in my floating ribs as they actually protrude out farther than my 'breasts' do. My wife was aware of this, but she didn't realize I do it to sleep. She freaks out if I wear ANY clothes to sleep and feels like I can get tangled in it and suffocate somehow? I really don't understand it. I sleep fully-clothed all the time, and never had issues except with socks, I don't sleep with socks anymore. But yea, she was really upset when she saw the waist cincher. And we got into a bit of a heated argument about it, I felt like I need it, because I'm not on HRT yet and I can't stand the general shape of my body right now. She is worried that I'll crush my lungs or other organs and cause serious complications. She always looks up things I tell her I'm doing that I read from sites like Susans about trainsitioning, but on medical websites that specifically say don't do this or that. And I just felt devastated without the cincher, I told her this, and she got extremely upset because it made it seem like (to her) that I am trying to be happy, and she is just trying to prevent that from happening. That is not the case at all. Sure, I can feel like she's limiting me sometimes, but I don't think she would ever purposefully try to prevent my transition in some way.
I saw something cool on twitter about the Matrix, and I had forgotten that the Wachoski's are transgender, too. I knew that long, long before I ever considered I could be. And apparently, the Matrix(at least the first one) is one big metaphor for being transgender, which is wild to think about and is actually confirmed by the sisters, too! Like, how Agent Smith refused to ever call Neo anything but Mr. Anderson. The world exists, but even so, even if it's what people blindly accept as truth, it is not THE truth; we often are holding ourselves back from who we really are, our true destinies because we're so entangled with the everyday expectation of us. And a more on-the-nose example was it was in the original script that one of the characters was going to be a different gender/sex before they took the red pill. Someone also said its a red pill, because that was the color of most synthetic estrogen drugs at the time- that I can't confirm, though. Still, all this new stuff coming to light makes me really want to watch it again, with my now gender-critical mind at work lol
I am actually afraid I might be outed or assaulted at one of the Walmart stores that I work at. So, the other week I bumped into this guy who took great offense to the fact that I was wearing a mask to cover to mouth and touching lots of products. He wasn't an employee, but a customer. He got really riled-up and grabbed a pair of gloves off the racks and forced them on me. I might have mentioned this guy previously, I don't really remember. Anyway, I submitted pretty easily, and went and bought the gloves and even put them on for awhile, but it made doing my job very difficult.
Well, I still keep them in my purse just in case. I tend to be at the same stores at roughly the same time of day, and the same time of week. So, guess what? Yeah, I ran into him again. This time, I was just working, minding my own business, when I saw his arm go right past my head over my shoulder, and he slapped down a pair of gloves he ripped off a rack and shouting at me, "Look! There you go!" He kept moving but was glancing at me while leaving the aisle i was in, and I showed him the gloves in my purse, this only made him more angry, but he didn't say anything after. I feel like future interactions could go a number of ways... he continues to think I'm AFAB and get's more and more angry at me, until realizing I'm not or he figures out i'm not AFAB and turns out to be the kind of dangerous transphobes I'm terrified of. I don't know, he just seems like a guy who is used to talking with his fists more than anything else.
My wife has really shown some growth in understanding my transition, and that makes me really happy. Like, she used to say things like, "what you want to be" "decided to be" ect. But when talk got real, she started out with 'decided' and corrected herself on her own, saying "realized" and that made me feel really good. Then we sang Disney songs while I massaged conditioner into her hair for awhile. I tried to explain how my voice seems to have a few different speeds, kind of like a car would. I got just singing with my speaking voice, falsetto, deep falsetto, and my old voice. By I also learned something about 'range' that has me very troubled recently, that will be later in this post.
So, I actually ended up telling a coworker for my indie game studio that I am transgender! She was definitely a good person to tell this to. Our meeting about checking progress of individuals and how that fits into the current projection for the next milestone turned into a discussion about fashion, shoes, and how she can just 'girl-out' with me! LOL
I do really need to not be so easily swayed by things, like with the guy and the gloves, but in this case, I am glad I was. Still it was funny, we were talking and she kept saying things that I was super critical about, unknowingly. At one point, I just couldn't take it. Here are a few of the things she said:
"Don't forget to slow down every now and then. Health is wealth."
"I have been through that phase of being workaholic because I wanna have things done on time or before the deadline (which it doesn't happen most of the time). And because I love and enjoy what I'm doing. So it's the passion that drives us.
So I totally get you. Like what I am also doing right now....finishing my thesis paper, thesis project, classes will start next week, character modeling, cooking at times, taking care of my dog, etc.
And I am still wondering why I am not losing weight."
"Oh you're so lucky! Your problem is gaining weight!!! Wanna exchange?"
"Practice makes perfect. So much to do, so little time, and we ain't getting any younger....especially me."
"Yes, do the macho thing of washing the dishes. Hehehe!"
"Ehehehe! All men think like that. Washing dishes is a very noble act for us women. There's nothing wrong with washing dishes. Just don't wear a pink and ruffled apron and you'll be fine."
I'm pretty sure it was the "pink, ruffled apron" that sent me over the edge lol Anyway, she is a lovely person, so bubbly and understanding and enthusiastic about literally everything! It makes me really happy that someone I work with now knows.
So, I finally got back into my letsplay of Axiom Verge. It was rough, and I think the commentary is the worst it's ever been, I was so out of practice >.< But, amazingly, I finished the game! So, I'm gonna be releasing the remaining episodes once I edit through them while I figure out what to play next! It was kind of surreal to see it end, and I thought about this as Eryn's persona, Eryn didn't exist on the surface until after I started playing Axiom Verge. So much has happened in my life since i started the letsplay, and so far, it has spanned ALL of Eryn's life, which is crazy to think about. I have always enjoyed lets plays, typically watching them all in 1 sitting, but sometimes tunning in everyday or week updates; and it never occurred to me that a lot can go on outside of the lets play, LIKE A RIDICULOUS LOT; it's just another to reflect on the passage of time. Eryn and John tried to do a bit of a retrospective at the end, but it turned into a micro-therapy session...so, uh, look forward to that!
Lastly, I had a rather depressing(to me) experience with my vocal coach and I am pretty sure I am going to drop her. Some of the things she told me, seem to help my voice, maybe? But it might just me being more careful now, too. Anyway, I was practicing solfege(that do-re-mi-fa-so thing) like she wanted me to. Based on how I sounded in previous sessions, I started with middle C and did 1 octave up and back down, practicing that alot. I noticed that it was kind of hard to start, but when I am already going it's easier to be in tune. My voice would start to break on "re" and I basically could not achieve "mi" unless I was in falsetto. So the rest of the notes were rather smooth.
She heard this and decided to try and go deeper and I was like okay. But then it got so deep, that i was basically using my old voice, and mind-you, the place she was trying to make me go with my voice was not even in her own range! As a operatic soprano. Now, she wants me to practice down there and work on that stuff; I told her that it's really difficult for me to have any sort of feminine resonance when singing so low, but she was like, don't think about that right now. I know she had worked with a transgender person before, and I asked her about the specifics of that; I figured she'd be more understanding, but it seems like she just doesn't understand. Well, if I can't achieve a female resonance at a much lower pitch, then I'm gonna drop these lessons. Grateful, but continuing would be a waste of money, time, and energy!
Well, here is the next episode of my let's play for Axiom Verge:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8O_746PEcg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8O_746PEcg)
That is all for now, what an adventure life can be when you're actually living! Take care y'all!
Hey Erin!
Sorry to hear about your nails. I think you should make a claim for salon. It won't bring your nails back but maybe you'll save somebody from the same.
QuoteI've always been pretty 'meh' at remembering things. I'm the worst at names/dates, but this was about connections.
Maybe you just not interested enough? I sometimes forgetting about my own birthday and used to give nicknames to our trainees because dammit they came here just for couple of weeks. Just few days ago I dubbed one "Speedy" because after working shift he literally running out of office :D As for other memories, well, girl, it's okay. You remember more bright moments and others just fading, that's how things works. Thing is, you'll never forget something that really important to you (I mean, not that you consider important but what in fact you value) unless you have brain illness, and you'll easy forget things that not interest you. You can practice some exercises for improving memory, it can help, but generally you won't remember everything, it isn't normal :)
Why don't come to compromise and, let's say, one day wearing cincher and another - don't? Maybe it'll calm down your wife a little.
Wow didn't knew Wachovski meant TG issues with The Matrix. Now I look at this in new way :) Aaand yeah, The Matrix don't have sequels dunno why you mentioned "first one" :D
Lol does you have a lot of such customers? I just don't know, usually we here don't care about staff (unless it somehow related to childrens). Hope you'll be safe.
It's so great your coworker accepted you so easily :) Sounds you had some fun together :D Also, cool quotes :D
Congratz with finishing the game :) I wonder if you already decide what to play next? :)
Hope you'll find way to achieve your female voice. I'm looking at you ;)
Thank so much, Alice!
I think each day brings about new thoughts, thoughts I honestly should have had before my transition. When something wrong happens to me, I actually feel upset about it. Before, I just rolled-over, because I didn't care what happened to me. I was fine being the world's punching bag, but that's not who I am anymore, not by a long-shot!
Memory is a weird thing, I mean, I am still troubled by it, but now I find it upsets me when I read a tweet or watch a youtube video and some small bit of it felt really funny/painful/amazing in the instant it was before my eyes and now I have no recollection. When Vine was a thing, I never got into it, and I doubt I would have. I don't like 'losing' memories, but I guess there is some solace in that the ones lost are never truly the ones that matter, as you've said.
She seems fine with the cincher, now, like most things its just surprising when she first hears of it. And, my goodness, have we talked about so many things that I will try to touch on in this blog post! I've managed to avoid said customer, or at least I havent seen them lately, so I'm happy about that.
Thanks! Axiom Verge was a good game to start with, I feel, but it's too bad that it's older and not very popular. I do have an idea of which game I'd like to play next, but I want to do a poll on Twitter soon for it. Still trying to debate if John or I should play and the other do commentary; yes, that will always seem confusing to people, I imagine.
Anyway, onto what's been going on lately!
So, last week, when I was about to leave Wal-mart, this guy approached me and said the most surprising thing I've heard yet. He said, "Excuse me. Do you have a boyfriend?" If I had been drinking I would have choked! His timing was awful, though! I was leaving to go to another job and issues with my voice also not on HRT, ect. But GOOD CHRIST was that the most gender-affirming thing that has happened to me in my entire life! I am really, really new to being seen in any desirable way so, I kind of tripped over my words and sputted out, "No! Sorry!" while giggling slightly. I hope he wasn't offended, I mean I don't see how that would have worked out anyway.
I honestly don't know what I want from a romantic or physical relationship, it really does feel like my wife has moved on from that quite a bit- and I'll get to that later. In terms of hooking-up, I think I'd be more inclined to visit a trans-friendly club or use Tinder or something. People are so busy nowadays that trying to ask for a number in a restaurant or department store is like almost just rude, I think? I mean, that person is obvious there for a reason, hence why I would go to a club to hookup versus trying to find love at a walmart, ect.
Awhile ago, I met someone new on PrettyNeatGamers. And they were very, very new to 'everything' they never heard of tucking or that HRT is a thing, even. And it felt really great to be helping them learn all this cool stuff, but it was draining of my time and energy. The bad part, which I think kind of muddied-up our friendship is that I presented my voice to them. As some of you may know, it is really the only thing that is somewhat feminine about it and I am constantly putting a lot of pressure on it. Well, when people hear my voice, they usually have a very positive or at least 'A' reaction. They did not. So I asked them, and they were kind of like, "Oh, yeah. I heard it. But I want to sound more like this...!" and they linked me a video of a cishet male trolling VRchat with his girl loli voice. In a way, they reminded me a bit of myself before my transition, and I probably have watched and enjoyed another one of that guy's videos at some point. But then they expressed that they wanna be a voice actress, and that they have really good hearing, so my voice didn't sound female to them. And that literally crushed me, and I stopped talking to em for awhile. Now I fluctuate being pleased or upset with how my voice sounds, but I never feel right about it.
Going back to memory, and what I had already said about it, I watched a Wisecrack episode about Joy being the real villain in Inside Out and it got me thinking... Perhaps, the reason I forgot things that I would think should be important is also linked to my status as transgender. Since I had lingering thoughts of it like a fetish or something for a great deal of my life, but never actually tried to speak femme, wear girl clothes, makeup, ect. And now knowing it's not a fetish, I'm just a transgender woman. And also thinking about how I didn't care about my outer appearance or my health, I probably didn't care much for my inner-self either, after all, I couldn't even recognize my true inner self until now.
And I say this because since beginning my transition, I have had to juggle quite a bit more information than ever before in a big BIG way! And, I am...doing it? Like, I remember so many of the smallest details since I began transitioning that I am even surprising myself, it's like I really have things that I care about now. Part of my fear with socializing in the past was being forgetful, not remember names and things like that. And sure, I may not remember exactly everything about everyone I've met via Susans and PNG, but I can recall a great deal of specific information about many of them! It honestly surprises me.
So, my wife is very paranoid and has severe anxiety. And well, she's just now started to learn about the kind of persecution that our kind can go through. I didn't disclose that stuff to her, cause I know she'd worry extra hard, but she watches this show called The Fosters and there's a FtM actor in it, who is actually FtM in real life, too! And she's kind of getting to see some things differently, and shared some of it with me, too.
Like, they were discussing possibly needing to reveal his status as transgender. And a cis character said it's like when people come out as gay, but no, that isn't quite true. When people come out as gay, it's seen as them no longer lying to themselves, but when people come out as transgender, it's seen as we were lying to/deceiving everyone before. And that struck a chord with me. I know it differs for everyone, some transgender people choose to denounce their life up until they begin their transition, and some do not. It might also have something to do with age. I definitely in the latter camp; all of my life experiences have been valid in my eyes. If things had not gone as they did, I don't know if I ever would have realized I was transgender. I feel like, I would have been so focused on work, never having a relationship, and always in the mind set that I needed to find a girlfriend(as a boyfriend). And maybe I am wrong, but I am still very glad for the life experiences that have led me to finally find who I really am.
Also recently I watched Drunk History with my wife, we both love that show. And it was all about Civil Rights movements and it was really cool to learn! One of the stories was about how handicapped people were treated as 3rd-class citizens, and nothing was accessible to them like no braile, no ramps, no job opportunities, ect. And it got me thinking, I wonder if we are on the verge a major gender revolution; but the thing is, it's hard to notice because so many major stories are happening all the time and back then, news was in newspapers, now news is like instantly everywhere and then soon after more news overtakes it.
But I do think we're at a crucial point in our history. Because, while there are still transphobes, fetishists, TERFs, ect. There's also a LOT of outspoken support for us being alive! Like the thing happening in Scotland, and transgender people being recognized in E-sports, politics, ect. I feel like cis people were keeping us within reach or within their watch, and we have flourished beyond their expectations- now, they can not ignore us or think we don't exist. Plenty still choose to say we shouldn't exist, which is just plain insane, but they can no longer deny that we are people, just like everyone else. More and more each day, we are being accepted as valid people and that is friggin awesome.
And on that note, I'm sure at least some of you had heard about Bowsette. I was there in the original thread when it all started and I thought it was cool, had no idea it would take off like it did. But that has also boosted trans visibility and support. No doubt MILLIONS of people were or are still enjoying the craze and it started with Bowser and Mario both being rejected and Bowser taking it upon himself to become Bowsette for Mario- and Mario knew of her status. No, this doesn't fight against the slur culture(in like people wanting slurs, ect.) but it does fight against the slur mentality. TERFs try to say that transgender people cause lesbian erasure, which isn't true, but I do think openly-known, accepted, and beloved genderbending characters like Bowsette do help a bit with the erasure of slur. Of course, it's also probably made a lot of transphobes very angry, so we'll see what comes from that.
I've been having more open, REALLY open conversations with my wife lately, and it's been wonderful. Like we talked about giving >-bleeped-<s, for one thing. A really shocking turn though(a good one!) the topic of names came up and I spilled it, I let her know that I do feel like I want to change my name someday. This was one of the few things she was holding onto for dear life early on into my transition. She always said she was glad I had a unisex name, and I mean, I was, too.
But the truth is, I associate my old name with the old me, and I am being reborn. It's just going to feel really weird, I think, if I have been living for awhile as Eryn and I look, sound, and act like her/me all the time- it just doesn't make sense to keep using my old name. I mean, I haven't looked into the history of deadnames, but I know there is a good reason we call them dead names. I've just been having so many positive experiences reinforcing my identity as Eryn, that it just feels good to be called it. But it's also like a dysphoric thing, for me. Because I talked to my mom recently and she answered with, "Hey Eryn, or I mean, <name>. What should I call you, sorry?" She's the only one who makes an effort, and like I don't get mad or upset when others fail to do so, because I really don't look anything like a woman right now. And I feel like, I couldn't or wouldn't want to change my name until I have transitioned enough.
This kind of goes along with that mentality. So, I was in the bathroom and I looked down at my body, and a new feeling came over me. A feeling that I'm sure many of you have felt before, I felt like my penis was a foreign object, like it didn't belong on my body at all. I had never really liked my penis, I always saw it as a bit of a nuisance, but it was always still a part of me, and I understood that. But this was like, it just didn't belong there. It's very gender affirming, but it's also terrifying for me, financially, I think. Because similar to why I thought I might keep my name, and why I continually say I will never get SRS is because I don't think I pass very well, visually. But, once I do...will I want the real thing? Will I desire a vagina of my own? I don't know...
Well, That's it for the update, and here are a few more episodes of Axiom Verge that I have uploaded!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Z4CA3rGQo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Z4CA3rGQo)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDHQ9ruhHWM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDHQ9ruhHWM)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekNFcifRNbQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekNFcifRNbQ)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_RdsfgbUD8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_RdsfgbUD8)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCicoBenns4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCicoBenns4)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7t3O7lLPcY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7t3O7lLPcY)
Oh my goodness! I really should have wrote this sooner, but I can't help it, always so much to do...
Where we left off, my wife was commenting/chastising me for my makeup and my voice. We had come to an agreement that I should be using my voice at night when I first get home. For awhile, I just got home too late to be able to, but then for awhile, I would get home early enough but feel like my voice wasn't working or coming out. It was awful.
And from my wife's perspective it's like, "I agreed to the thing you wanted to do, so why aren't you doing it?" Her line of questioning even crossed, "Are you really sure you even want to do this?" And I honestly don't know what to make of that from her. Of course I do! I am a woman and I've never been happier or more-content with myself than I am now! I believe she is an ally, but questions like that really don't seem that way...
I think she's more upset with my makeup, though. I mean, from her perspective, I've spent over $100 in makeup products, and drove about 10 hours to go to the Sephora classes and yet...I'm not wearing makeup. For me, it is hard, really hard. Because I often shoot myself down before giving myself a chance, that is starting to change with my transition. Like, I eventually just want to dance, shaking my hips and having a good time, but I just don't feel like I'm enough of a woman physically yet. I put on makeup occasionally, but I think I was a bit scared by the time I wore makeup through the burger king drive-thru. Similar to how I lost all confidence in my voice when my new friend pointed-out how it still sounded male...
But, it can also be hard to do something for yourself, sometimes, even if it's what you truly want. And, when I was writing these notes down, I thought maybe I could put on makeup for my wife's sake, and in-turn help myself out. She really, really hates the mask I wear to work. But the mask is so important right now, I don't know if I even would have been willing to go to work until I'm on HRT... everything has kinda been at a bit of a stalemate lately. Aside from things like dating as a woman, or actual sex, or more into fashion or like other things that are feminine but aren't required, I feel- what I have remaining is essentially makeup, HRT, and surgery. Makeup feels like it's such a wall, and I do not plan to get surgery ever. (or at least, I hope I wont need surgery)
My wife basically explained she's concerned that I won't be satisfied even after HRT. And I feel that is a legitimate concern, I'm sure many of us have felt like HRT alone wasn't enough. Truthfully, I do hope HRT will be enough for me. If it isn't, and I need FFS, then that's all the more terrifying if THAT will not be enough either...
I did notice something with my transition, though. The truth is, I am still holding back, and I have to hold back. I don't see a woman's face when I look in the mirror yet, so in my brain it's like if I tried to act 100% like how I feel, then it wouldn't be right. A few days ago, I was talking for awhile in the shower and caught myself when I got out, still talking. No wonder it's so hard to accept my voice for my wife, and for me. I hear my voice, then I look at my face, the only option is to cry at that point. I never felt so absolutely hideous than in that moment. So, for now, I still just need to really avoid mirrors except whenever I actually do apply makeup.
My wife found this transgender support group, so I went and it was really cool and nice! It was kind of an informal affair, there was about 12 people and like 4 were FtM which I thought was really cool! I have always worried about the 10:1 ratio that people say. We introduced ourselves, then discussed the topic of internalized transphobia. I don't really remember too many of the details now(I waited a bit too long to write this, sorry!) but a couple things do come to mind. Basically, gender segregation is a form of internalized transphobia. Separating toys/hobbies/clothes/vocabulary/ect. Between male and female. But what is interesting about that, is by doing so, for more binary transgender folk, we have a pretty clear roadmap to what we want. Feminine beauty standards seem to be so heavily represented or even forced in our culture that by adhering to them, it usually means one can 'pass' fairly easily. But this is not always the case, and I feel like that in real life, aside from my face- I do pass pretty convincingly, at least from a bystander and stranger point-of-view. There's going to be an entirely new level of scrutiny going on when it comes to dating.
Like, I won't know how well I pass until I actually step out of my comfort zone and take off my mask and actually approach people sometimes. I know I tried that more early into my transition, I think set-backs like what happened at Burger King and talking with my friend about my voice really hit my confidence hard. Now, I act more like a frightened little child, afraid of approaching or being approached by anyone.
I worry so much that if I just go with makeup, that people will notice I was AMAB and then something bad might happen. I think the reality of situations are often greatly exaggerated in our heads, but in this case, I am not so sure. I have not faced discrimination head-on like many have. I want to stand-up for myself, but I honestly don't know how. And this fear of not actually passing almost makes me feel like I shouldn't even transition, while fully knowing it is what I want and need to do for myself.
Something I've asked a few times, and I still think might be a possibility, but I don't know since no one really has really presented enough evidence for this, is the topic of HRT changing your mental structure. I always saw every ugly detail when looking at the world, and that's how I developed my art style. I love exaggerated, cute artwork to death, but I can not seem to draw like that to save my life. And I hate how I draw. A part of me hoped that HRT might have a positive effect upon my artwork, but this seems like it won't be the case.
Anyways, I am trying to improve and joined the Inktober challenge this month, though I am stopping at 10 for many reasons. I did a bit of a retrospective and feel like my art is enforcing that idea in my brain. I really feel like I am holding back and I can't fully embrace who I am, and so I don't fully embrace my emotions or my vision as an artist. What do you think? These are my drawings.
Day 1 - Candle
My first drawing. I really didn't understand how much detail I was trying to add. I took some shortcuts by mirroring the arms, but I ran out of time and didn't get to shade it.
(https://i.imgur.com/AqEdqLi.png)
Day 2 - Storm
I really like how the creature turned-out here, but a big problem seems to be finishing the work as well as overall execution. I like the pose of the woman, but I realize the way the puddle is shaped and where her leg is, it would only make sense if she was already standing on 1 foot. I still don't fully know how to shade, but I experimented here and it looks alright. Ran out of time again.
(https://i.imgur.com/K9UtVFQ.jpg)
Day 3 - Pumpkin
With this one, I felt I had a really neat idea, but I executed it poorly. I imagined a jack-o-lantern sitting on the porch, and it would suck children into it's gaping maw to fuel the fire within. Not the really weak version I have drawn here. I also ran out of time, once again.
(https://i.imgur.com/F4nRClF.jpg)
Day 4 - Dog
This was the first one where I didn't look at any reference images, and it certainly shows with the anatomy/perspective. But I was quite proud of this weird dog-dragon thingie. I worked too hard and too long on the fur effect, really hurt my hand.
(https://i.imgur.com/PuTmi9G.jpg)
Day 5 - Blood
This was a particularly dysphoric day. I felt like I was being torn apart. When I was younger, I would claw my shoulders until they started bleeding. No reference image here, either, and it looks kind of okay I guess? I think I was interpreting it as the monster was either within, or I am just the monster.
(https://i.imgur.com/ukEUv43.jpg)
Day 6 - Flames
At first I had an idea that was kind of similar to the Smelter Demon from Dark Souls 2. Some person who had a furnace in their stomach and parts of their body were becoming stone/metals, but I was concerned about my limited knowledge on anatomy, so I decided to make a lizard-thing that was going to be made of flames. But I ran into a similar and even worse problem than with the dog; all I could manage to finish was the main body, and I don't think it really looks like flames anyway.
(https://i.imgur.com/iUFNM2s.jpg)
Day 7 - Water
I went back to references with this one. I felt like what I did with storm would have worked with water, too. So I got this idea of drinking a hostile water, that transformed into spikes, splitting open the drinker's face, neck, and chest. I nearly finished this drawing, then hated it so much I abandoned it. Came back, redrew without much references and still really not a fan of how it turned out.
(https://i.imgur.com/PsNe2PL.png)
Day 8 - Cyclops
This was the first of when I felt like I began to execute my ideas better. I can't draw anatomy well, but an eyeball and tentacles should work. So I couldn't just draw a humanoid creature with one eye. I also thought about doing something similar to Day 5 - Blood, and having a girl with a patch over one eye, blood running down her face, but again, anatomy is a problem. I imagined a sentient eyeball parasite thing, looking for children host to use as hosts. So the eye is simultaneously crushing the head, and stabbing through the vertebrae to gain control.
(https://i.imgur.com/XUpytPR.png)
Day 9 - Slimy
This one was more of a satirical or political piece, but misdirected. I saw this sub>-bleeped-< called r/transgendercirclejerk and the content was simply abhorrent. It was meant to be in irony, but I didn't know that right away. I felt like the jokes went a bit too far into territory, there's laughing at how others negatively perceive us, and then there's 'joining' the joke by playfully agreeing or making outlandish statements, and I felt like some jokes were going way too far and would make many people really upset. Anyway, so I pictured a person made of slime, typing away while browsing the sub>-bleeped-<. Changed to simply a universal 'no' symbol over the transgender flag. I like how it turned out, but it still wasn't quite what I had originally envisioned.
(https://i.imgur.com/f269c1e.png)
Day 10 - Bones
It wasn't going to be my final one, but I was already 1 day behind at this point, and knew I couldn't finish the challenge because of Disney; and things just got more and more hectic here, so I decided not to keep going. My first idea was like a skeleton closing around a victim, like an exoskeleton, somewhat. But it seemed really complicated and relied on anatomy. Then I thought of this idea where maybe a skull had like vertebrae coming out the eyes and hands or something- would that look okay? I went through several tries before basically needing to rely on reference heavily. The end result is this skull-spider thingie, and I think it turned out quite well!
(https://i.imgur.com/lyU1ggh.png)
In happier news, I have recorded my first session of the next game I'm playing! I really enjoy it so far. It has lots of characters and I was kind of worried to be doing many voices, but it seems to be working out. The different voices I use may seem super cringy, but it is fun to do them. I do fluctuate with my voice, but I think I am really growing accustomed to it and recognize when its good. It still takes awhile to warm up, but I can get it prepped and be semi-fine very quickly now. I really think a big part of this(at least for me) is confidence. After my capture setting, I felt good about my voice and recorded it using the Voice Pitch app and I could not have hoped for a better result!
In rather downer news, things aren't looking so good for the indie game studio I volunteer for. I have become a bottleneck(as I knew I would) but it has slowed-down development tremendously, not to mention the loss of one of our best artists. Basically, thinking about how much has been done for this past milestone and how much needs to be done for the final game, I could see it taking 5 or 6 more years, when the original aimed release date was next October. I've kinda been delegating some, and that's helped, but I can't really manage to put in more than a few hours a week and when I'm in charge of doing so much directly, it just slow production down exponentially.
And, truth-be-told, I really love the game idea and my work put into it. I'd even be willing to keep working on it for another 5 or 6 years, but I feel like it's best not to. We have a small team, the longer the development cycle, the higher possibility of people leaving. We have 3 artists, 2 of them are not actually 'artists' I am not technically a writer or animator, but I work on those, too, occasionally. It hurts giving-it up like this, after I worked on it for over 2 years already. But right now, I can't put in enough time for it, and it's only causing me stress. I am also concerned about what will happen to my team members but... the only ones currently being paid is 1 artist and a composer. The composer has money back-owed to them, while the artist only gets around $100 a month(they're contract is based on work completed, and not hours done.
So it really seems like the next few weeks are gonna be pretty busy. Next week I have another meeting with my therapist, my first appointment with a medical clinic that offers HRT, I now go this support group every saturday, and starting the 26th I will be in Disney world with my wife and her family. I will have to present as male, unable to wear my bra and stuff; but wife already bought some female sweat pants and they are really nice, hug my butt well, too!
It makes me happy but also sad at the same time, my wife really opened-up to me when we got into a rather big fight the other day. She is actually envious of my body, and I'm not on HRT yet. I had expressed my concerns about this previously, but it really seems like she'll be okay. The only way she wouldn't be okay, I feel, is if her boyfriend showed interest in me.
But, anyway, hoping the next entry will be much more exciting and with me probably leaving my indie game studio this month, I will be able to do these closer to every week. Because when I finally do start HRT, I wanna keep track of how I feel and look and document that alongside my usual 'blog stuff'
Anyway, here are the remaining episodes of my Axiom Verge letsplay! The finale got pretty long, I did some extra fun editing stuff for it, and also there is a heart-to-heart chat at the end between Eryn and John.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvvfQzH2VB8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvvfQzH2VB8)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKV992W7UU8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKV992W7UU8)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEdFpJCzDGk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEdFpJCzDGk)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u09qSqdMDtg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u09qSqdMDtg)
Anyway, take care y'all! Love ya!
I'll start this off with, we're all a work-in-progress, and I am working on some stuff right now lol
To continue from last time, I am still worried that I'll never be 'feminine' enough, even after years on HRT. It feels like I am seeking feminine validation from a person I do not know yet and may never know. It has me very concerned that I'll be so wrapped-up in it all that even when being with someone, I might get super self-conscious about my moaning while riding them; or more poignantly, my little member slapping their abdomen.
It made me think a bit more about SRS, and I watched one way the procedure is done in a simple 3D diagram video. It was crazy and wild to look at, but the end result looked nothing like a vagina. Maybe that's why they have vaginaplasties or whatever.
Well, while I was stretching after my workout, I was sitting indian style and took notice of my little bulge down there. I wonder... could my fear of SRS and relief of keeping my penis be just another pseudo safety-net that is preventing me from fully being the woman that I am? Like, a bit less-sexual this time, what if I'm on a date with someone and they're like, "Yah. It's obvious you're not really a woman." And like, it's hard, because I am one, I wasn't born one in the normal sense, so it's confusing. And I just feel like, yes, those people are jerks for saying something like that, but how do I argue? I was born with a penis, not a vagina.
My wife seems afraid that I'll never get to the point where I can take off my mask for good. She's worried(and for good reason, I feel) that I will just make excuses as to why I need to wear it, my makeup isn't good enough, I don't look feminine enough, ect. So much stress is caused by passing culture and beauty standards, but at the same time I WANT those beauty standard for myself. But if I am on HRT for years, and still hiding my face, then I need to shift my plan of attack; that seems really hard to believe, but if you(or I) enable bad habits like the mask or any kind of security blanket, it can potentially go on forever.
In that and other ways, she pushes me hard. Sometimes it seems hurtful in the moment, but I know she is just trying to help me the best way she knows how.
I might have hit a major cornerstone to my mood/personality, I think. I have this ever-present feeling of never being good enough, and I feel like many people have this, too, but for me it might have something to do with feeling like I have no talents(or tangible talents). Nothing I'm actually 'good' at. Like when I was younger, I couldn't dance, sing, snap my fingers, even whistle. I couldn't write, or draw, or create things engineer style, I wasn't a good care-taker, I didn't play instruments either. I think that was partly why I found such solace in games. I felt good playing them, I'd be no where near the top 10000 gamers in the world- but being a big fish in a small pond gave me the little bit of encouragment that I needed. Except, I soon learned about the larger pond, and I felt talentless once again.
So much has happened since I originally took these notes. We are in a decisive time for transgender rights. Trans rights are the civil rights of this generation, no doubt about that. With Title IX trying to erase gender and ignore biology in favor of binary sexes, the trump administration has attempted to eradicate our existence and legal rights. It is very reminiscent of that quote by Martin Miemoeller-
"They came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak out- because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak out- because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak out- because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak out- because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me- and there was no one left to speak for me.
With all of these decisive, pro-Nazi moves by my own government lately, I can see trans rights being a wedge issue that if we fail, it will bleed into bisexuals, homosexuals, and anyone else they wish. I didn't live in the time of Hitler, but hearing about all the similarities with the Nazi Germany and America right now is frightening. Especially a factor I read that illustrated how there is a larger ratio of White supremacists in the US right now, than there was when Hitler rose to power in Germany.
Naturally, this has me a wee bit concerned. In the past I never got political, but now my existence itself IS political. I tried telling my wife my concerns and she just blocked it out. "Oh, that's never going to happen." Well, we also thought Trump as president was never going to happen and look where we are...
The one thing we've really been looking forward to in a long time is our vacation to Disney, and preparing for it has gotten me kind of down on myself. I have so many things to do before we leave, and I am trying to do them all correctly but then I forget something, and repeatedly make mistakes, I just have been feeling really useless at even the simplest tasks. At one points, she got frustrated and shouted out, "You just need to fricking be a man!" and even after realizing how hurtful that was, she was still misgendering me by speaking in the 3rd person about me, to me.
She encourages me to do this or that, but then she'll also turn around and say I NEED to do this or that... and when we were much more in turmoil than now, emotionally, over our relationship changing, she expressed that she wants to always be with me, and I always want to be with her. This has not changed, but it does have me afraid that it might be cultivating a toxic environment for me while I'm trying to transition. I really am at a loss of what to do sometimes.
I'm super excited for Disney, but also terrified; I haven't had to pretend to be a man for more than a few hours in the past several months since I started my transition. But now, it's going to be nearly all day, and also very worried about using the men's bathroom again.
That's it for now. Going to drop a ton of Undertale episodes in here(way too much stuff is happening, and I can barely keep up)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgPEwMKoIRo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgPEwMKoIRo)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PErqMh1YZXk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PErqMh1YZXk)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVzUzo1P2Sk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVzUzo1P2Sk)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsrTfpEKIVM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsrTfpEKIVM)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XmjR4X5KDE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XmjR4X5KDE)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaJnFiRazEY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaJnFiRazEY)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvwZs-Kv0JY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvwZs-Kv0JY)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrkPawOY7qQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrkPawOY7qQ)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moNqAHVT0KE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moNqAHVT0KE)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUQ_qJxtzgk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUQ_qJxtzgk)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0Q7YhM2VUg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0Q7YhM2VUg)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=442uGwAA5jM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=442uGwAA5jM)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvnfsAjSZ_A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvnfsAjSZ_A)