I guess I'm looking to find others in similar situations and how they dealt with this. I recently found that my husband has been cheating with several transgender partners. He obviously has some bisexual tendencies that he has been scared to talk about. I've tried to talk to him several times in the past few days, and he keeps berating himself over the "wrongness" of the attraction. I don't want him to feel that way. I have problems with being lied to, and the fact that he has been finding these people in the craigslist personals, which I feel could be putting him and our children in danger. I am ok with the idea of an "open" relationship, within reason. By that I mean just one or 2 safe partners, using protection, a few times a month. I've come to terms with the fact that he needs something I can't provide, but I don't want him to go crazy, or detract from family time. He has a 14 year old son, and we have a 7 month old baby together. Can anyone offer any advice? I really want our marriage to work, I love him and he's a wonderful dad. How do I get him to be comfortable with himself, and used to the idea of being honest with me? Thanks
my 2 cents not counting inflation:
he needs to know cheating is wrong no matter who else he's sleeping with.
It could just be a fling to sexually experiment, but getting him to talk about it (and how to improve the relationship) without fear of being dumped will be the hard part.
I would recommend couples therapy
If he thinks its wrong and berates himself maybe he could use some spiranolactone to stop or slow his sexual drive and understand what he can't due to his testes ruling his drive. It is something many of us have taken to learn about ourselves as well as slow down the masculinzation process in the male bodied human. Its basically just a blood pressure medicine which blocks T from connecting to certain enzymes in the body. There are no permenant changes phsyiologically.
Has your husband shown any desire to cross dress or show signs of being transgendered himself?
Hi towee,
Tell him what you just told us in your post because you said it perfectly. :)
Jennifer
Now for Cyndi's 2 centavos...
He is a >-bleeped-< >-bleeped-< and he is having issues with his issues...
Do you think there is any chance he has some closeted transgender issues himself?
Thanks for all the responses. He claims to be "curious", but admitted that he's been doing this for almost 10 years. I think that the curious ship sailed 8 or 9 years ago. He says he doesn't have any interest in crossdressing himself. I wonder if maybe his problem is linked to homophobia. Maybe -0258he has gay tendencies, but doesn't upset the homophobe within him if he only has relations with guys that look like girls from the waist up
I don't know the details of your situation - so I apologize for anything that isn't relevant.
That said, I'd have two problems:
1) I'm straight. And I like sex. But I don't have to have sex. Nothing bad is going to happen if I don't. Guys don't *have* to have sex. He doesn't *have* to have sex. He has *CHOSEN* to cheat on you. That is NOT an act of love, particularly because, even if you are fine with an open relationship, he didn't get your input BEFORE he did it. And it doesn't matter if he's doing it with men or women, or if you can or can't give him the type of sex he fantasizes about (whether he is fully able to admit the fantasy or not).
2) I won't pretend to know how the people he is sleeping with identify, but I will say that most of the trans people I know that live as women (or want to do so) do not want to be seen as male, period. If he's treating them differently than he'd treat any other woman, for whatever reason (such as not wanting to admit he is seeking a man), he's treating *them* badly too - not just treating you badly. Maybe he isn't disrespecting them because they also see themselves as something other than a woman - but I suspect that may not be the case.
Once again, I might be completely full of...well, full of not understanding the details of your situation or your husband. So feel free to apply your judgement to deciding what, if anything, I say is useful. You know him and yourself and your relationship better than anyone on the internet could.
Penis doesn't equal bisexual tendencies, he's fetishizing women who can penetrate him. I'm surprised you're not angrier, or maybe you are but I can't tell cause it's the internet. At any rate, I would be pissed off. He doesn't have to do this at all, like Slanan says.
Wow. Just wow.
My boyfriend is a married man. His marriage has been in a slow decline over the past few years due to issues he won't discuss. His wife recently came down with dementia which lead to Alzheimers. I think what chemistry was once between them is long gone.
He met me in the "passing" stage of my transition. He had known of me before, since we were both into the same movie scene. We hit it off right away. Whatever the reason. Him and I ended up being very serious. Our relationship became less sex centered and more focused on our actual relationship.
But it doesn't change the fact that I'm his dirty little secret or the fact that his friends now think he has gone gay. The fact that I know a lot of the Castro scene doesn't help. He has made sure I didn't fall into the promiscuous lifestyle I had before. It's been tough for us, since that was such a huge part of me.
I hope one day to marry him. But I am still keeping my options open. He is 23+ years older than me despite his good looks.
For me, I stay away from married men.
1. Im not into the deception game or the stealing game. I have no desire to take anyone from anybody. That means if the other spouse doesn't know.
2. If a man cheats on his wife with me, then chances are astronomically high that he will or is doing the same thing with me.
The first thing I look for on any date is his wedding finger. If they've been married longer than a year, it leaves a mark. It happened once. I just left the situation then and there.
To the original poster: I would def try to get marriage counseling. He can say he "doesn't want to do it" until he's blue in the face but it's just words. It reminds me when a man says "i dont wanna beat my wife....i love her" but continues to hit her.
I would seek out counseling and the progress further. He has no excuse doing this behind your back. Especially with a newborn. In my area, we call people like him "dogs."
ok first off a guy liking a girl makes him straight and secondly you betta make sure he really is yours because this sounds really bad i think do couples councilling because he is your childrens male role model and is setting a bad image for your children to see so pls for them do couples therapy
The point of an open relationship is to be open. And it doesn't sound like he is. Perhaps he can't handle it due to guilt. But if you CAN get there, maybe it would be good for both of you. Which means, you getting some action as well. Why feel crappy and unloved? That sucks. If the open relationship is going to work, I would suggest you both need to do it, and you both have to be open about it. And if it feels wrong or sucky, don't do it. Trust your feelings, and validate them. But if it's true you really are interested in trying an open relationship as a solution to mid-marriage malaise, then you will find lots oc company out there. Forget Craig's List. Try OK Cupid, and put a profile up that's honest about your open relationship so people interested in you know. I realize you have a newborn, and that's hard. But you HAVE to take care of yourself. Even if you don't do the OK cupid thing, take one night a week for yourself where you go hang out with friends or something. Cheating is cheating, regardless of who with. Don't let the fact that he's cheating with transwomen distract you from the plain fact that he's not treating you well here. You have a challenge in the marriage, regardless of the trans issue; don't let his interest in transwomen sucker you into thinking this is all OK, cause it's not. That said, if he is not the monogamous type, which it sounds like he isn't, then you might make lemonade out of lemons, join the party, and have some fun yourself. IMHO of course!
Quote from: Annah on September 18, 2011, 08:19:34 AM
2. If a man cheats on his wife with me, then chances are astronomically high that he will or is doing the same thing with me.
My boyfriend is cheating on his wife with me. She is suffering from the early stages of alzheimers. I am afraid he'll find someone else and leave me. He is a bit controlling relationship wise, I am not even allowed to associate with my
GAY friends.
Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on October 04, 2011, 09:03:59 PM
He is a bit controlling relationship wise...
There is no such thing as
a bit controlling.
Quote from: Renate on October 04, 2011, 09:35:10 PM
There is no such thing as a bit controlling.
So he is truly black and white? What I thought his actions were rather monotone.
Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on October 04, 2011, 09:03:59 PM
My boyfriend is cheating on his wife with me. She is suffering from the early stages of alzheimers. I am afraid he'll find someone else and leave me. He is a bit controlling relationship wise, I am not even allowed to associate with my GAY friends.
not a good sign, Mahsa. I have to agree with Renate. Controlling is controlling. If he is doing this now, it's only going to continue.
Quote from: Annah on October 04, 2011, 10:40:15 PM
not a good sign, Mahsa. I have to agree with Renate. Controlling is controlling. If he is doing this now, it's only going to continue.
Yeah, all my guy and girl friends are pretty much questioned. I love the daily interrogations... He is 23 yr older than me. I told him he should work on repairing his marriage and taking care of his wife. But he was like, "Let's be together and make each other happy"
It's not that I can get a date. I do... Just I don't know. I love him... But I definitely understand why a lot of my female friends wouldn't leave their bad relationships. So much of my identity is in the relationship.