I am a 25 year old female who spent two years transitioning FTM. I realized it was not right for me, and I deeply regret how far things went. I only took testosterone for just under two full years (I think 1 year and 10-11 months).
When I was younger, I had always been called out for having a 'squeaky' voice, and talking really quietly. Now there is more of a 'rumbly' sound at the end of my words even though there is still a higher-pitch quality to my voice. It sounds TERRIBLE to me. Like Cris Crocker or worse.
My family denies that my voice has changed at all, yet when I went away for a year and came back mid-transition, coworkers who saw me for the first time had remarked "Wow your voice really changed!" At the time that pleased me to hear, and I felt proud of myself and more masculine, like I had done something "right" and was more normal, but now that I am trying to go back to my old life, this is more humiliating.
I haven't posted on this forum in quite some time, over a year and possibly longer than that if I remember correctly... but today someone was being very flirty and friendly with me at the bus stop, and then asked me my name and I replied and the next question they asked was, "Are you a girl or *awkward silence*... because you have a man voice".
I could not believe it and said, "Excuse me? I'm a girl, what are you talking about? That is the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me." And then he said, "I am only saying it because it's true." It just broke my heart because I have been basically staying semi-reclusive, out of work because I am having panic attacks and a lot of anxiety related issues, and this is something that was said to me by two separate people at my last job in a retail store, over a year ago!
I miss everything about how it used to be and I cannot believe I took it all for granted. Please if anyone has any clues on what I can do to alleviate this problem at home then please recommend them to me! I do not have high testosterone levels anymore, my armpit hair has nearly stopped growing and I had cellulite on my legs from extra estrogen but I am now on a lower dose so this shouldn't be causing a deep voice, if anything it should be the opposite!
I cannot afford voice lessons or professional help. I can hardly afford my very most basic medical care as it is, and I just can't go the rest of my life feeling this terrible dysphoria. If I could just reverse all of the things that happened to me just enough to blend back in with society and get treated the way I always used to before any of this happened, I would feel fine.
EDIT; This is just something I recently thought of, and I'm not sure if it makes any difference but seemed like it was worth mentioning. I don't know why but I find that I talk a lot louder now, almost like my voice is projecting, rather than before when I was barely making a peep and you had to stand close by to hear me. If I work on talking at a quieter volume could that eventually make things better? Because it sounds almost like I have a scratchy voice from smoking or losing my voice. But I looked up women who take steroids, and my voice sounds almost exactly the same as theirs, or possibly a tiny bit worse.
I've got some nasal congestion too, but two weeks ago when I had a sore throat no one said anything to me, and I figured that may affect things worse than my nose would. BTW I don't know if I currently sound worse than I did a week or so ago and this may be a temporary issue that really did go away this year, or the disturbing possibility that maybe I always sound this bad, everyone notices, but maybe only that one guy mentioned it recently??
Welcome back to Susan's Place. You won't remember me because I joined a little over a year ago after you stopped actively posting on the site. We have a voice section in the MTF area you might what to visit as your problem is the same that most of us face. Your options are two. Surgery or therapy. I came to the site for surgery because my male voice was far to low for therapy to work. I currently use a combination of surgery and a trained voice in order to reach the feminine range. I learned from one of the best speech therapists at the time and I have done some additional research before deciding to seek surgery. I am working with MTFs to help them learn the trained voice and the offer is open if you wish to take it.
I think learning how to sing could benefit you greatly. The human voice is very trainable, but it takes time and effort.
Singers know about "head voice" and "chest voice". There is a certain pitch where you voice "breaks" into falsetto. With experience and training you can cover this apparent break. There are men vocalists called "countertenors" who have a great range, and it's not by singing in falsetto.
I was born male, and my natural signing range is bass. I can now sing in the alto range if I work at it.
You don't necessarily need professional coaching, but if you have access to a piano or electronic keyboard, try singing the scales along with the instrument. Note your vocal range, and then try to extend it on a daily basis.
Axl Rose, Mariah Carey and Prince all had very wide vocal ranges. They didn't get there without lots of work.
You are on the right track about loudness. Pushing lots of air from your chest tends to make the lower register sounds stand out more.
Best wishes,
Randi