Hello everyone,
I consider myself a straight transgender female. I am primarily interested in men both emotionally and sexually.
So far, I am only 2 months on HRT but I would like to know what it's like to date men when I start presenting as a woman full time.
I still present as a boy and it seems as if the only men that are into me are bisexual men that are in the closet. ???
I have no idea why but I can never get gay men. I've never been anything more than a friend to a gay man. I guess it's due to the fact that I'm 5'4, less than 100 lbs, and have a really feminine body (small hands, feminine face, soft voice, etc). Guys that are into me often call me "cute" and "sweetie" while my gay friend never gets called those types of names from guys.
It always annoyed me because guys that I'm personally into are either gay and don't want me back or bisexual and closeted about it, only using me for sex... I've personally never been in a relationship because of this. Guys just seem to enjoy random hook ups and it gets tiring. After being 2 months on HRT, I've lost all desire for hook ups anyway!
So what is dating like as a trans woman? will it be a vastly different world than what I'm used to? I'm kind of tired of not finding anyone to be with. I realize I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would certainly enjoy a relationship!
Out of all the men you've dated, how many have been serious relationships?
Do guys use you just for sex?
Do men like trans women that are "out and proud" or "stealth and passable?"
Do men care if you're still in the "process" of things? For example, if you are still male on your drivers license or if you're not out to family and still go out as a "guy" sometimes?
To be honest, I've never been on a casual date before. I had become part of a friend group, and I became close to this one guy in particular. Suddenly, we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend. He doesn't mind my situation, and calls my member my "macroclitoris". We are now happily engaged, and he's the only one that I have ever really dated.
Also I am out to everyone, and he does not mind.
Out of all the men you've dated, how many have been serious relationships?
I've dated two men. One was a gay man before I came out as trans and he was only interested in serious relationships. My boyfriend now is also only into serious relationships, although I'm the first person he's dated. This is mostly because I filter out anyone who doesn't want this. I have as much say in any relationship as anyone who wants to date me.
Do guys use you just for sex?
See above. I stay away from people who would do that, so it doesn't happen. Actually, sex is only a tiny part of my current relationship. That being said, I've been in one relationship before (although with a woman that time) who did use me for sex and technically raped me. It was actually more of a problem before transitioning than after. If you respect yourself, other people will learn to respect you as well.
Do men like trans women that are "out and proud" or "stealth and passable?"
That depends on the man. Everyone is different, so just be yourself. It's better to be with someone who likes you for who you really are instead of only presenting yourself to their preferences to make them like the less real version of you.
Do men care if you're still in the "process" of things? For example, if you are still male on your drivers license or if you're not out to family and still go out as a "guy" sometimes?
This also depends on the man. Some people make a big deal out of it and others don't. My advice is to just be open about it and screen out the people who wouldn't work out anyway. My current boyfriend doesn't care. He knows I am a woman and we are currently working on finding a solution for identification and surgery, but he doesn't like me any less as I am now.
Hello and welcome ;)
I figured I'd answer your questions as best I can, especially since I had a lot of the same questions and I know exactly how hard it can be to find good dating advice for us.
-So what is dating like as a trans woman? will it be a vastly different world than what I'm used to? I'm kind of tired of not finding anyone to be with. I realize I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would certainly enjoy a relationship!
Dating in general as fun as it can be frustrating. I wouldn't bother trying to date a gay guy, they're not attracted to women. Bi guys or the guys that are a little bi seem to be the ones that won't flip out if you're out and proud.
-Out of all the men you've dated, how many have been serious relationships?
1 so far, I mostly dated women before I transitioned, but I'm in my second serious relationship now.
-Do guys use you just for sex?
Yes, some are like that.
-Do men like trans women that are "out and proud" or "stealth and passable?"
Yes, and yes.
-Do men care if you're still in the "process" of things?
Yes and no, it depends.
-For example, if you are still male on your drivers license or if you're not out to family and still go out as a "guy" sometimes?
Legal documents are minor but tedious, the bigger issue is if you're dragging them in the closet with you or whether you're full time or part time or whatever. You're going to have to communicate a lot. When it comes to sex, or preferences, as well as simply being open with him about where you are and what your plans are in the short and possibly long term. It can be hard, but you're going to have to be assertive and negotiate the intricacies of your relationships.
For me, dating before was super awkward and now it's a lot more natural. But the main reason I feel that way now is because I got over a lot of my internalized transphobia and I'm full time. I'm still awkward, but not nearly as much as I was before.
One of the guys I dated disappeared after I slept with him. One backed out of a second date over the phone. One got mad when I told him I was trans, and is the reason I started asking if the guys who messaged me on OKC saw from my profile that I was transgender. One just wanted me to talk dirty to him while he masturbated. One asked me if I wanted to be FWBs and couldn't muster the energy for dates or whatever. And one didn't do any of that bs, he's currently my boyfriend, and sitting across from me at a restaurant we frequent as I'm writing this.
The exhausting audition process that is dating is there until you find someone you want to be with, at least that's been my experience.
I have a number of men chasing me. I have dated, over the last 2 months, 3 men. I have openly told them that I used to be a man and that I am post op. I'm proud to be who I am.
It's kinda fun to watch men behave differently when they are dating versus male night out. I'm still seeing one who has a liberal attitude, great athlete and financially independent. So far they have behaved like gentlemen. It's really nice to have doors opened for you and to be escorted home.
Sex, well I didn't go thru all the surgeries and not to try out the equipment. But that's a couple of months away. It's easy to find men for just sex ...I was told to be open about my past. Some really only want cis females...other don't care. Maybe, I have lived so long as a male, some attitudes can't change. I will always be naturally who I am.
A big issue for me is being found out before I have a chance to go on the date! Guys like my look, just not what I am. So it does not take much for guyz to look me up and read about my past. If I'm lucky, I make to the first date and hope to charm them enough to build up some positive for eventual discovery I was once a man. When that happens you can bet you'll hear the 'I'm not gay' line. My response is usually 'neither am I'. :P
Sometimes I feel like a circus animal when a causal hookup presents itself. Well dressed nice guy and now in my room! So its show time. All is going well...jumping through all the hoops like a good girl. Guy asks me to take off my panties (yes, I was wearing a pair that night) all still going well. Getting ready for grand finale and then the 'sit down'...'let's talk'...'were you ever at anytime a man?' My response 'is that a trick question'.
So, pre or post op, dating straight guys is very difficult, made even worse if you have an internet presence.
Thank you,
Anne
EOM
Interesting replies! I guess it all depends on who you go after :) Thanks
The difficulty for me has to do with how most men don't understand many aspects of transsexuality, so I have to usually give them an educational lesson on it which really ruins the mood for getting to know someone on a personal level when figuring out if you clique. Then of course there are the very typical things that can either encourage a relationship or discourage it. Personally, I've dated reasonably often, mostly flings yet also many dates that turned into friendship. Nothing has really matured into a successful serious lasting relationship. I'm really disappointed that with all of my otherwise vast social experiences, I have yet to really enjoy a lasting serious relationship. Ideally I'd luv to meet a transoriented heterosexual man that is comfortable with pursuing a serious relationship with a nonop transsexual like myself. It's mostly subjective however for most people, I'm considered passable, and since I use to do modelling, I'm also considered really goodlooking. In regards to me being open and out about me being a transsexual female, yes, I'm totally comfortable with being open and honest and out about that. I don't go out flaunting that I'm transsexual and neither do I hide it. I always wear female clothing and present myself as such plus my id credentials and documents say that I'm female. The only thing is though that there's always going to be someone who knows I have male genitals, and I'm fine with that. The question is though if whether or not my partner minds that.