i never did when i should have had. now i'm better at self control. me thinks.
Always and all the times about my health, my financial stability, my life and everything around me and I think most peeps do that.
It was Roosevelt, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear it self."
I fear my lack of concern more then my lack of control.
When I'm angry, I do.
It's no so much myself that I fear. What I do fear is making wrong decisions, failure and rejection. I would never do anything intentionally to harm myself or to jeopardize my health or welfare anymore. I did it in the past, and I regret it deeply.
tink :icon_chick:
Fear myself. Not so much. I did for a long time, doing stuff that was simply too risky and just plain death-wishy. (I know that's not a word.)
Honestly, I love life way to much to go back there again.
N~
Sometimes i do, when i have a 'swing'.
But, im better than i was and am getting better.
I dont wanna let the things that are bad and i can change control my life=]
Slowly but surely, im starting to get better.
Sometimes, when I do things on impulse or in anger.
Of course, on an intellectual level, if I ever end up in a situation where I've lost family and friends and don't have a legal remedy because of illegal actions, then watch out world.
I hope I never get in that situation though.
Most of the time.
I don't trust myself not to do something stupid (and I've proved to myself more than a lot that I shouldn't trust me!)
I sometimes feel it would not take a lot more to push me over the edge. And I mean a very physical edge, here.
~Moi
I have a fear of never knowing what it is like to just be content. I've fought all my life to know how it's to be unequivocally happy & I'm not stopping.
I fear myself with good reason. I have absolute and total self acceptance in myself as April and I have respect in myself as a woman. Unfortunately, I only became aware of what transition and TS were within the last year, and even though I'm seeing a therapist, having electrolysis, and am looking forward to living full time and having SRS, I don't trust myself to be patient enough to see the process through to the end. I have a deep rooted hatred of the male image that I was forced to present in order to best survive and earn a living. Two suicide attempts that miraculously failed, and I'm constantly wondering if I should just say "the hell with it," and try a third and final time.
Much of the conversation with the therapist concerns my post transition goals. I seldom leave my home...I only go out if there is a reason, like a prescription to pick up or to go grocery shopping. Is that going to work as my Real Life Experience? I don't know, but the situation is that I just don't want to do anything. I've been totally aware of my cross gendered being for over 50 years, and I've always been happy whenever I lived as myself, but having to live as a male in order to best support myself has left me totally drained emotionally, and with an attitude that I just have to end the conflict between April and my male persona. I've had a terrible life, and I just don't know if I'll be able to last long enough to see the process of transition through SRS and a life in the gender role that I should have had from birth.
Quote from: April221 on July 05, 2008, 03:43:05 PM
I fear myself with good reason. I have absolute and total self acceptance in myself as April and I have respect in myself as a woman. Unfortunately, I only became aware of what transition and TS were within the last year, and even though I'm seeing a therapist, having electrolysis, and am looking forward to living full time and having SRS, I don't trust myself to be patient enough to see the process through to the end. I have a deep rooted hatred of the male image that I was forced to present in order to best survive and earn a living. Two suicide attempts that miraculously failed, and I'm constantly wondering if I should just say "the hell with it," and try a third and final time.
Much of the conversation with the therapist concerns my post transition goals. I seldom leave my home...I only go out if there is a reason, like a prescription to pick up or to go grocery shopping. Is that going to work as my Real Life Experience? I don't know, but the situation is that I just don't want to do anything. I've been totally aware of my cross gendered being for over 50 years, and I've always been happy whenever I lived as myself, but having to live as a male in order to best support myself has left me totally drained emotionally, and with an attitude that I just have to end the conflict between April and my male persona. I've had a terrible life, and I just don't know if I'll be able to last long enough to see the process of transition through SRS and a life in the gender role that I should have had from birth.
i get terribly depressed at times, too. but i don't feel that it is right for me to blame it on one thing more so than another.
to do so means i really have an intimate understanding of the workings of my own mind, um, when actually, i don't.
i go to a therapist and she says, "you behave in such and such a way, because you have such and such in your past."
then i try to work through
that problem, and i see that my depression is still lurking like an evil presence in a dark corner. waiting.
well, at some point i have to try and address this awful depression without establishing its cause or laying blame to someone that wronged me in the past. i have feared myself in the past, certainly. then for years i went kinda numb. that interim of "pretending nothing's wrong" gave me some time to accomplish some life goals, but, of course, also sorta packaged up my depression for opening and addressing later (uh, one hopes, before it explodes).
going full-time and getting srs may be great remedies, but i would suggest that depression is way complex, and should be addressed concomitantly along with the GID, which, you know, may or may not be the sole reason for one's depression.
Please hang in there, k?
-Ell
ps.
these are just my opinions, and should not be regarded as therapeutic, nor in any way take the place of professional advice.
I used to fear myself, now I can deal with the fact that I sometimes want everyone around me to die.
I'm too afraid of being abandoned to be afraid of myself.
Quote from: ell on July 05, 2008, 06:06:25 PM
i go to a therapist and she says, "you behave in such and such a way, because you have such and such in your past."
then i try to work through that problem, and i see that my depression is still lurking like an evil presence in a dark corner. waiting.
You are very correct. The depression may have its origins in this or that. But after a time it takes on a life of its own.
I do a little, because i know what i'm capable of doing to myself.
I always fear myself cause I'm never honest. I lie to myself and look for the approval of others to see who I'm supposed to be how I'm supposed to act.
Sometimes, especially when I am angry. I have an explosive temper.
Anyone who really knows me will attest to that. I like to say " 0 to Bi**h in 3.2 seconds". Most would say that's slow.
Janet
Quote from: Janet Lynn on July 05, 2008, 07:37:42 PM
Sometimes, especially when I am angry. I have an explosive temper.
Anyone who really knows me will attest to that. I like to say " 0 to Bi**h in 3.2 seconds". Most would say that's slow.
Janet
Yep, Janet, for many of us that is walking speed!! LOL
Hugs,
Nichole
Quote from: lisagurl on April 27, 2008, 02:07:49 PM
It was Roosevelt, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear it self."
I thought it was, "The only thing we have to wear is underwear itself." It was hard times back then. Kind of like now, but without Al Gore.
I try to leave the fear of me to other people. >:D
~Alyssa :icon_chick:
Oh yes, the fear of never being content. I think its said best in one of my favorite songs
"To Reflect is to Regret"
And I reflect far too much...
(song:http://youtube.com/watch?v=RPaQVTSzhA4)
<<With a thousand words to say but one... by Darkest Hour! Careful its screamy but look for the harmony in the chaos and you will find the beauty in my favorite music ^^>>
I fear that darkness I created a long time ago in me "Ryu"
Quote from: Carolyn on July 23, 2008, 12:10:03 AM
I fear that darkness I created a long time ago in me "Ryu"
Reminds me of
A Wizard of Earthsea.
I do sometimes, because i can be quite aggressive if im angery.
But i'm no where near as bad as i used to be.
I've calmed down alot over the past year.
What fear I have of myself I use to temper my decisions, but I'm far more afraid of other persons than myself.
I use to fear myself and sometimes still do. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see a demon that wants to kill me. I'm doing better now though. Therapy and coming here to talk, joke and visit with others has helped allot
Nichole
QuoteFear myself. Not so much. I did for a long time, doing stuff that was simply too risky and just plain death-wishy. (I know that's not a word.)
Honestly, I love life way to much to go back there again.
My words exactly.
I am quite happy and at peace with who I am and the life I'm living today, way better then the mess I came from. I enjoy exceptionally good health for my age and I am grateful for that and thank Great Spirit. That don't mean I don't worry about rebounds from my past (death wishy) actions, but so far so good, just a touch of arthritis now and gain, otherwise I am as healthy as a horse.
I don't get angry and I avoid aggressive confrontations but I do get upset and disappointed about things at times. I usually take it out in tears, wonderful thing tears, it is a luxury to be sure, and it is a ladies prerogative to use them. Like for bleeding out the poison that can sometimes saturate the inner self with emotional chaos. But never anger. Anger is a waste of time and it is insidiously corrosive to the soul.
Cindy
I don't often feel angry, more depressed. It's more of a disappointment or dissatisfaction with myself and the world around me. And allot of physical pain. I don't do as much "Death Wishy" stuff like I did when I was younger. Maybe I'm just bored to death and miss the adventure of it all. Dead people have no worries...
Quote from: Pica Pica on April 27, 2008, 02:11:01 PM
I fear my lack of concern more then my lack of control.
I'd have to agree there, I'm not afraid of anything actually, so I might end up doing something stupid just for lacking any concern what might happen if I do it. But actually, I've always found my way out, so why bother?
I don't really fear myself though I know what I am capable to do...
There was a nice statements a person I see as an idol in some ways said: "you can't be afraid of people who are willing to hurt you, because if you fear life, you will never live!"
I think there is some truth in it, even when it comes to oneself.
Yes, it stems from a few things.. Once when I was a little kid it's really fuzzy but I hurt somebody. Intentionally. Full knowing the repercussions and what physical anguish I would cause that person. Didn't even regret it at the time. I am afraid that buried somewhere under my moral standings that there is something stowed away somewhere that I never want to see. When I can something up for a while it gets hazy and I get really really mad, it's been at least 4 years since it last happened, but I again tried to intentionally severely hurt someone. It's almost like feeling behind all the smart calculations emotions that behind all that there's someone deadly sitting in wait, looking for the chance... If you know stein from soul eater then basically the scene with Medusa And Kishin (trying to keep it spoiler free)... Wow that got dark
I actually do fear myself quite a bit, but I tend to try to ignore it and avoid talking about it :-\ But yeah, it's pretty much a daily wrestling match for me to avoid contemplating my suicidal ideations
The combination of anxiety, depression, self loathing and the constant physical pain of injuries incurred make it pretty difficult to cope
It probably would have been better if I died in one of the accidents, the past 20 years have been shear hell for the most part
I'm just thankful for the few friends I've had, I probably would have been dead several years ago without them
I do fear myself as I recently discovered things deep within myself I didn't know that really scared me as I had my first brushes with mental illness and that scares me as i don't know if it's going to progress or if other things will come up.
i definitely fear myself.
I'm afraid of the darkness that is in me. Not even trying to be melodramatic I fear that sometimes that I could be evil on the inside and I am afraid of what I could possibly become.
Good thought provoking question.
Yes, I fear myself very much. In middle school I began to have obsessive thoughts that drove me insane. It was OCD without compulsions. Every moment in my head was like constant torment. I had to drown out sound. I cried close to everyday. I became very depressed and more anxious (I've had anxiety since I was three). I remember not even being able to stay at a restaurant. I felt so ashamed for what I put my family through. I felt crazy.
After taking zoloft, I was more or less stable. I still have anxiety though and have been suicidal a few times. There are times I literally get the urge to rip my skin open. If the zoloft stopped working and there was no other drug, I swear I would have to be in a mental institution. So yes, I greatly fear myself and my mind. Because when times are hard, I will seek to destroy myself. Without drugs, I can't even withstand my own mind. But that's just how it is.
OMG WindyRevelations I know exactly how you feel. I've been suffering from intrusive OCD thoughts ever since I was a kid. Had suicidal thoughts several times and had two intense mental breakdowns. Even on medicine and therapy the thoughts never go away they just become tolerable.
Quote from: Cyber Warrior on April 02, 2015, 02:37:14 PM
OMG WindyRevelations I know exactly how you feel. I've been suffering from intrusive OCD thoughts ever since I was a kid. Had suicidal thoughts several times and had two intense mental breakdowns. Even on medicine and therapy the thoughts never go away they just become tolerable.
Yes, exactly. I can withstand the repetitive thoughts now, but they are always there in the background. I don't think there is a day where I don't think of it at least once. I'm so grateful for modern medicine and psychology.
I think sometimes I do as my mind can get to a very dark place. However, over the past year that has changed drastically and I've very much been able to "reclaim" my self. I'm stronger and happier than I have ever been...it really is a process and struggle that takes time to mend.
"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it." Jiddu Krishnamurti
I fear myself and all my possibilities and abilities. but because i know what i am afraid of and i learned that sometimes fear is good as a motivator. fear motivates me because though i am afraid, once i jump into it and learn to fall down, its not so scary after all. learn what fear is and never run from it, face it head forward and smack it down if you have to :laugh:
No, not anymore.
As a kid I was kind of off the rails and I'm sure if I hadn't stopped short and took stock of myself back then I'd have ended up in some correctional facility. I was surely problematic, and very good at not being caught; but sooner or later my luck would run out, I thought. Knowing what I know about that part of my past, I used to think it was something to fear but, I know now that I'd only ever call on it again if I had to. Life or death situations. I didn't want to be that person and I still don't, and I've worked for years to try to become something better.
I can't really fear that stuff anymore. I do think that some of us are born and find it hard to orient ourselves in the world; I know I didn't have a well-developed sense of morality back then, but I do now. I did some bad things, but I learned from them. Can't ask for more than that from a person, really. You could say "you shouldn't have ever done anything bad," but there's a reason we don't think of kids as able to make proper decisions. They're not 'all there' yet. They're not developed yet. So I can't exactly beat myself up over what my kid self didn't yet understand. Still, I'm not impressed by the glimpse into the darker side of human nature I saw there. No matter how nice I become, no matter how moral I can be, I've seen it and I've felt it and I know it's all over the place out there among other people, sometimes hiding behind innocent-looking faces.
I guess the only thing I fear is losing my mind and sense of control. I'm not in any danger of that I hope, but the thought of losing it is unimaginable. When it comes down to it the sense of self and self control is really the only solid thing in my life, the only truly familiar thing that can be relied upon.
No, the best friend i ever had it's me. Sometimes i do something very silly, sometimes i do something very nice... but, a friend can be forgiven.
:) Hugs,
Aly
I fear my true self having bottled her up for so long
Do you fear yourself? Very much so
I used to, but now I know I don't have to.