First, I want to tell you all how much I love these boards. I can talk about how I feel, and say things that are very hard to say face-to-face, and I can just talk about the random thoughts running through my mind.
I just wonder if it's normal to think things are ... just really... ethereal? surreal?
A week ago, I wanted to go... that was it really, I just wanted out of here, I couldn't deal with myself or my life anymore. It was like ... well... crazy. I am not sure whether my sanity is slipping, or whether I am actually getting some sanity back after all these years.
Ever since Monday everything has seemed so ethereal, so surreal. It's like, I am watching everything go on and I am dissconnected from it. Is that normal? What causes that? I mean, ever since I reached that low and said, "I am done" gave the note to my parents and said, I love you, but I am sorry I can't stay. Ever since I was officially diagnosed with GID everything is really strange. Well, one, that was my worst fear. That and having my father find out. I took a WHOLE different approach to this. I knew very young, but instead of telling anyone, I said I am going to be a guy, I have to be a guy, and no matter what thats how it is, thats how it has to be and nothing can ever change that. Getting diagnosed with GID for me, in a way, meant I failed. But, it's like the world isn't really real anymore. Am I losing my mind?
I am VERY excited about the fact that there is actually hope now. That it is really an option, whereas before, I refused to accept this as an option. Before, I didn't even have a glint of hope. But, I am worried that I am losing my mind. The world seems really different now. It's brighter, I can smell things when I am outside, I can feel things that have been there all along, but I can feel it now, like a breeze. I can smell the air before a rain, I noticed that yesterday and couldn't help but laugh. But, it all feels unnatural. It's like it's not real and I am not really here physically, I am just watching things happen in a sort of disconnected way. I wonder if I am losing my grip on whats real. Does this happen to anyone else?
I am terrified that I might have too high expectations and that I might never pass and that I will always look like an ogre. See, I know how I am SUPPOSED to look, I have been visuallizing it, and putting myself in situations mentally where I am me as I should have been born. One of my techniques for dealing this was watching Television, going to bed and putting myself in social situations AS who I should have been all along. I can't tell you how much I have learned about myself doing that. Thats how I have dealt with this for so long, because visualizing your life like that really helps. Putting yourself in situations mentally helps you deal with things a little better.
I had a very strange surreal sense after I was diagnosed with GID and before I started T. It went away eventually, but one of the characteristics of it was that I became hyper aware of gender and gender markers in other people. I guess it was just my brain processing what I was about to do.
I think I had it for about a month.
Dennis
What you are experiencing is very normal. All this time you were hiding your true self from yourself and everyone else. Now it's out. There's no hidding now, you can live your life as it was mean't to be lived, as you wanted it to be lived. Your problems, concerns, anxieties, fears, and your happiness can be shared now that you know that you have those who love and support you unconditionally. I believe that we have all experienced every one of the fears you have listed, it's normal, believe me, and they will always be there to some extent
Just be sure not to dwell and mull over the past too much, trying to analyze it, your new life is ahead of you, and believe me that journey will be full of ups and downs
I went through the same, as well as a great need to talk of many many things. I did so in a personal blog (powered by blosxom by the by) and eventually found these forums.
I speculate:
I think a lot of it has to do with the coming out process; We hide for so long and it hurts so much. After a time no longer hurting and no longer hiding is weird, but very good. Perhaps it is a phase of the overbearing, unrelenting torment of not being ourselves dissipating when we start being ourselves.
In my opinion, what is to come is child's play compared to the hurt that was.
Anyway as I understand it this is pretty normal and it will smooth out after a time. It has in my case and I can honesty say life is better than it was... an I have barely even started.
Sanity itself is relative; each person defines sanity in their own way, setting their own parameters that express their definiton and showing it to the people in their lives.
With that having been said, I am glad that you have expressed your feelings in this topic line. When you first discover that you are transsexual, it can be very disorientating to your sense of who you are and what defines you. As you become more used to the concept of "I am female", you will find that you will be able to cope with everyday issues more easily because you are no longer denying your true self, as both Stephanie and Kimberly (aka 4years) have stated.
I myself have been transitioning for almost 13 years, yet, because of my income level (I am on a disabiltiy pension), I cannot afford to have sexual reassignment surgery at this time.
I am, however, looking in to the possibility of applying for the General Equivalency Diploma, which would allow me to go to college. I have somewhat of a natural talent for foreign languages; I am also interested in community/social work. I would love to be able to combine these two fields in the process of obtaining a degree, so that I could, after graduation, be able to help more people than I might be able to with only one of those two fields.
Keep your head up and don't let anyone influence you re stopping your transition; I have done that in the past and seriously regretted it. I soon returned to my transition.
Most of all, be yourself! There is nothing more important than to be true to yourself and to accept that you are a transsexual, with a need to express yourself in your own way.
Blessed be!
Tiffani
I too experienced all of those feelings and then some. All normal, all sane.
Transition is a process. There are some general rules or concepts but your transition will not neccesarily follow that same path. Some people take many years in a gentle gradual process and some people fall off a cliff and it isn't possible to see your course ahead of time. What you think you see now will surely be different as you progress and it isn't possible to see the "big picture". Concern yourself with what you're doing now. A year ago, I had no real plan to go full time, I didn't consider it an option. I had no plans for FFS or GRS but I have now fisnished my second round of FFS with Mark Zukowski and have an appointment with Marci Bowers. I am full time. Accept it is not possible to know where you'll be a year from now. That was the first big lesson in transition that I took home from my therapist.
Trying to visualize how you'll look or act--most of us do it. Just accept that in the end, you won't likely measure up to that image you have. Give up the idea of yourself as a freak or ogre. Most of us have that feeling at some point. Some things you can change, some things you can't. Part of this is learning to accept who you are. Don't try to force yourself into a stereotype of what you or society thinks a woman should be. I don't wear dresses or skirts, wear makeup, or many of the other things "real" women do. Fact is, real women fill a huge spectrum of looks and identities. Make this about who YOU really are.
The sense of coming alive is also very real. I felt like I was coming out of a coma. The sense of disconnect is also very real given the immense changes ahead of you. Work with a therapist, write a journal if need be.
Good luck on your journey.
Cailyn