I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.
One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).
What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.
In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.
I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?
I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.
My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).
I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.
I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.
I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.
I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.
Hi Cynthia, welcome to Susan's Place! You've come to the right place for help. First, you are a unique person, no one else is like you. Now for the shocker, there's nothing in your post I haven't read before. We know the road you're on, and we understand. Hugs, Devlyn
Not everyone goes for the full transision.
To what extent do you feel you need to go to begin to settle down?
I found the a LGBT center that has a large Trans* population and support base. I chose them because I really need their advise. I think dropping the testosterone to start and see what will come of it. I have read that estrogen on a very low dose can bring about a great calming effect and not bring about quick changes. Although there are 2 issues, 1) the feminine effects will show up eventually and 2) the estrogen and total acceptance can being about a desire for a full transiton. In reality the feminine effects are desired by me but the family and work will have issues and I have no guts.
I would do anything right now to get calm and relief. I need to be honest with my family(now) and work( later). The lie is difficult to accept and looking in their faces brings about the desire to tell them. I associate them with my issue now. My ability to transfer has backfired.
Everything I put down in the past I am not intensly attracted to. I love the smell of perfume on me ( small amount). I smell the women perfumes at work and now I really want to have it on me and to the same strength. I want to be included cloths shoping with my Wife and Daughter ( image of lead brick). I shaved my arm pits, chest and belly, wow! I will never stop shaving my pits.
Cynthia, I will post more, but you and I are very, very similar. You are in the place I was about a year ago. If you'd like to email me, go ahead, but I will post again later to you when I have a moment to do so.
Take care hun :)
Thank you. I welcome all advise.
I have a feeling there are those who traveled my road and perhaps their past will be my future. I am going to listen to some feminine afformation recordings and try to calm down. I would love to get some sleep. Writing down my feelings ( newto me) and having some people show support has helped a lot. My biggest fear would be I was not "normal". Perhaps I need to reset my baseline of associations.
Cynthia.
I'm sure TanaSilver will be very supportive.
But if I may correct you on one point. The medicine most start with is a testosterone blocker. Which will be determined by a Dr. Estrogen comes later.
Whatever you do, please do so with the support of a registered Dr.
Welcome to the family hun.
I don't come here much anymore but your post caught my eye.
The people here are for the most part worth your time to listen to and take to heart. The main mission here is to get you to the other side safe, sane and healthy.
Listen to the advice you get here.
Remember that transition is a marathon and not a race.
Here are three little rules I was given to get through my transition and the initial apointments to start the process:
1. Show up.
2. Do not worry.
3. Bring your sense of humor.
get those three down and figure out the rest as you go
Cynthia, you have my full sympathy. No one can really understand what it's like to have decades of repression lifted unless they have experienced it themselves. It really is hell. You've had a dam holding back the waters your whole life, but suddenly it's gone and the waters are coming at you with overwhelming force.
I so totally understand the need to tell someone close to you, and right away. By now, you may have already done so. I'm glad you've located local resources. My strong advice for you would be to find a gender therapist ASAP. Although you may approach that first meeting with trepidation, the relief you will feel at spilling your guts to a sympathetic individual is enormous. I was shaking at my first therapy session, but I walked out a different person.
You may be feeling all kinds of things right now: guilt at how you've lived your life, regret over not doing something earlier, foolishness for the lies you've told yourself over the years, anguish at what this will do to your family, urgency realizing you want action and want it NOW ... the list goes on and on. Please realize that this issue was not created overnight, and it won't be resolved overnight either. That is a good thing, and not a bad thing. You need time to make the right choices.
You may want to tell your wife, but please do so with extreme caution and sensitivity. You may want to explode with everything, a full reveal. Keep in mind that things we consider all and the same, they will view piece by piece. In other words, you may want to tell her how you've felt your whole life, the feelings you've kept hidden, how you want to go on hormones, how you may want to transition, how you feel like a woman, how you feel when you see her doing "womanly" things, etc. To you, this all may be part of a single package, to her, each and every item is a hammer blow to the head. If you do tell your wife, I would suggest starting very gently and parceling information out over time, giving her a chance to digest it. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your wife, but rushing this can easily derail your marriage. It is possible to come through this with a satisfactory resolution for yourself while still retaining your family and marriage, and maybe even making it stronger.
I think you've come to the right place. This site is full of people who know exactly how you feel. I have been where you are, and I am still there in many respects, even 14+ months later. I have a long way to go, but at this point I don't regret anything I've done over the past year, although I could have made some very, very serious errors, which is why I'm writing this to you now.
Again, I strongly advise you to seek out a therapist. If you need help with advice on how to approach your wife, just speak up, many, many people here have been there and there are right ways to do it and wrong ways to do it.
Take care hun, and have hope. You've already done one of the hardest things, just admitting the truth :)
Love,
Tana
Hi Cynthia,
First congratulations, even though you may not feel like them! When we finally face ourselves it can be utterly terrifying. No idea where to go what to ask what to do. Yes the thoughts become self consuming. It is a sort of past trauma shock. You have allowed you to be liberated from the shackles and you are flexing your girl brain wondering where the geex I have been for fifty years.
You will calm down and this place will help as Devlyn said there is nothing in your story that is in the least bit unusual, you sound very normal, and any of us have walked the path.
And many of us are still walking.
The fears can almost be listed in the GID Fact Book. (must write it Mmmm).
Losing family
Losing friends
Losing the job
People not understanding
People laughing at you.
Looking like a guy in a dress.
Losing the home
The first thoughts can all be listed under one main heading: Losing.
Ok reality check. You may lose some things. BUT you will also gain.
The first thing you gain is YOU.
You've already gained a whole new family. Hi :eusa_dance: :icon_hug:
Every step we gain, subtle things, big things, tears sometimes. Hugs always.
I'm a full time MtF and I've just turned 60. My story is so well known that a quick search will introduce you to the crazy world of Cindy and what she has been through.
But what have I lost and what have I gained?
Lost? Nothing.
Gained? Everything.
And I mean that totally truthfully.
No it hasn't been easy and my friends here have held my hand and comforted me when I thought Hell was breaking over me and the only way to go was death.
But my friends, such an almost shallow word for my brothers and sisters here who are parked in my heart as my life long friends, pulled me through.
We are here for you as well.
So settle down. Get your thoughts together and off we go.
Cindy
Hi and welcome. A lot of us here have been through a similar situation and survived, and thrived.
You have already come out to yourself, the hardest of all to do.
Be guided by your therapist who can help you to find the questions you need to ask yourself, and the best answers. There is no one right path, just what works best for you.
Karen.
Hello Cynthia and welcome from the other side of the pond :)
Be gentle to yourself and also to other people around you. Take the time to be who you are and explore yourself more. There really isn't any hurry to jump into everything immediately. It will just feel overwhelming and it made at least me feel just worse. Do what you want and be what you want to be, now, rather than worry what you will be a year from now.
I can really relate to feeling physically sick and emotions going up and down like in a roller coaster when you finally reach to the station so to speak, where you have to look back and think why didn't I do something before, why I did this to myself. I arrived to that "station" too sometime ago. It feels bad, but it does get better, just as long as you are not too hard for yourself.
You will hear people saying to you, that be who you are and be true to yourself. I didn't really get it at first but as time goes by it starts to make more sense.
Quote from: cynthiajonesmtf on January 11, 2013, 10:42:09 PM
I need to be honest with my family(now) and work( later). The lie is difficult to accept and looking in their faces brings about the desire to tell them. I associate them with my issue now.
While my story is different, our ages are similar, and at least some of our practical timing is too.
One practical thing I'd like to add to all the good advice so far... consider working with your therapist on planning how to come out to your spouse and others. They may be able to suggest strategies and a process that won't simply be an impulsive act that could backfire.
You feel a sense of guilt about hiding for so long, which is understandable. You may also feel some urge to punish yourself, which could lead to a coming out that might be more confusing and counterproductive than necessary. I don't imagine there is a perfect way to do this, but I know mine (which happened decades ago, long, long before the divorce) was far from the best because it was an impulsive and barely planned act on my part, done alone and without advice from others, unless one counted the selective messaging I pulled from transgender forums in a different part of the last century, messages I wildly reframed to create a coming out that was shocking to my partner at the time, and didn't help her come to grips with what was going on for me. Keep in mind that she obviously cares enough about you to see that you are hurting. Be truthful, but find a way that will not make it easy for her to imagine that you are doing this to hurt her or manipulate her.
Strategize with a therapist. You might even want to ask your therapist if there is some way she or he can help with this, by doing it in a couple's session, for instance.
I'm getting a bit of a second chance in this as I try to support my trans son, who has already come out to his mom, and is getting therapy openly, with her full knowledge and material support. My ex is still not at peace with or fully accepting of my son's declared identity, but the two of us have been managing to communicate this time around a lot more clearly, and she is willing and more able to do things like have her own session with a gender therapist to get up to speed on things that my son assumes she understands, but that I've confirmed to my satisfaction that she really doesn't. She has a tendency, that she also had with me, to turn the discussion to herself, and to shut off attempts to further clarify things... this tends to lead to some poor communication on both sides, and her persistence in assuming she knows what was going on in my son's head at various points, when she's never had a very full or open discussion with him about those times and how they were for him at a subjective level.
I have lots of examples of this, but they're mostly irrelevant to your own situation. Where they are relevant is that it's practically universal that intimate partners tend to have fantasies about their partners that make it hard to see what is really going on for that partner, and understanding that one's partner has her own issues, anxieties and so on (like her fear that you find her unappealing) that aren't the other partner's fault or even responsibility, is something most have to cope with eventually, and in the case of couples where at least one of them is trans, that only tends to be amplified several times over.
Hi Cynthia,
It sounds like you are going through a lot and that's understandable from what you describe. It sounds like you are talking about the Mazzoni Center. They are great there btw. I'd encourage you to seek therapy and try to find some clarity through working through all of your feelings and determining what exactly you'd like to do. I also understand that feeling of wanting to tell everyone to release the weight you feel.
Remember, once you utter the words that you are trans, you can never, ever take them back. Think through that, especially with loved ones and your work. I'd encourage you to really figure out where you want to go and what's important to you with transition before you start telling everyone. There's a lot of support out there, and here, but remember that you need to carve your own path and find what's right for you. Don't feel too restricted by narrative, create your own. What would you hope to get with transition and is that possible given your life circumstance? That's important to think about too.
I think just coming to terms with how you are feeling is a big, big step. Are you keeping a blog or journal, anonymously, even here, where you can just type out all of your thoughts to get them out and explore them. When you go to Mazzoni, make sure you look into sliding scale therapy and see if you can find someone to talk to. I'm sure they have a lot of compassionate people who will help you synthesize your thoughts and guide you in the right direction for yourself...or at least ask you questions to help you figure that out. Good luck, ok? :) Meghan
I agree with others that the hardest part is coming out to yourself and admtting who you really are. Once you accept yourself, then the next part is what you do with it. That will mark the start of your own personal journey and however far it takes you. You set your own goals, your own limits and decide how much you are willing to trade in exchange for that. This process isn't only losses, it may happen, it may not. I could never put a price on my own freedom from the gender trap that I was living in. I sacrificed a lot, but I gained so so much in the end. Despite the hardships and losses it was still worth it and I wouldn't trade being me with anyone else in the world.
Thank you for all the wonderful advise. Take aways:
Definately keep the appointments,
Get therapy ( I need that most definately),
Ask about sliding scale (need to find out about),
Write down my thoughts in a journal for later use,
Go slow, get advise about who and how to come out,
Wife - when I come out, do so in manageble informational portions,
Work, save for a much later discussion,
I am sane and but overwhelmed and unable to process information at the rate it is coming to me and I can not stop the input.
I have no answers but just questions I can not answer,
The people here are special, I felt the love and understanding coming through to me. I really need your help and I can not express my gratitude adequitely to express how much this means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I was definately very emotional last night. I was able to get 2-3 hours of sleep last night and I was able to talk to myself for 3 hours while driving this morning ( just a little emotional at times, maybe a little more than a little).
Headache still here and stomach is like someone grabbed it in their fist.
Corrections,
Yes I wanted to say anti-t,
Yes, Mazzoni Center, figured they must be doing something right if they have a large TG program.
I'm ftm but we are about the same age (more or less). I just figured this out one day in May (or so). I first thought I was genderqueer and then realized I am ftm. I am pre-transition in most respects (not out at work--so that's a huge amt of time right there) but dress (which is much easier for us guys) and so on. Everything I did to make me more masculine made me feel better and better. I am seeing a gender therapist. At first I thought he might help me get over this silly notion, but actually it was quite the opposite! I was not emotional and sad but I felt very anxious 24/7. Therapy helped to lower the anxiety as did action. Coming out to people made me very anxious until I learned the 1 minute version vs the 30 min. one. ("hello, I'm trans. How are you? LOL :)). Now I feel less anxious. Anyway it was like that with everything-- before every change I'd feel huge amt of anxiety, and when I'd actually do something I'd feel less.
BTW, love the support groups.
Hang in there.
--Jay
Cynthia, I know I cannot possibly comprehend what you are going through right now. But I want to help you. I just wish I could hug you, and make all the tears go away. I've been openly trans for 3 years, and yet I still chicken out sometimes when people refer to me as the wrong gender. It feels so... wrong to me when I'm adressed as female. But I'm too afraid of the ridicule to correct them. I'm FTM, but I understand something similar to what you are going through. I have only expierienced a different version of what you are going through. I was going through a couple years were I repressed my true self. Those come back to bite me in the butt alot... but hey. Those are mistakes and they make life sweeter when we experience success and all that good stuff. Still, you're alot older than me, and you're obviously very strong. I could never even begin to fathom what you are going through right now. You must be such a strong woman. Don't give up. But I want you to know, that we all are here to support you. We love you, don't worry. c: Please, we only want you to feel good, happy, safe, and secure.
Hope this helps.
Thank you for your support and understanding, it really helps.
Strong, no, not at all. I realize my developement is stunted due to my inability to deal with my reality. Also, my inability to deal with my reality controls me. I realize I need to take control of my life and be me ( much simplier said than done).
I awoke this morning with just a hint of a headach. Realizing I need to slooooow down and get help 1st prior to comig out has helped amazingly. That bit of advise saved me.
When I was in college I was anorexic. I am 6'2" and I went down to 145 lbs, I thought I looked fantastic and wanted to go much lower. This may sound silly but I had a 4.0 and faced with a potential B drove me to contemplate suicide. I picked out the building, time and the ledge. I got really sick for 1 week and on the other end I gave up having to be perfect at school. I graduated with a 3.08 and much less nurodic. (Then I was wearing jordach jeans, shaved my legs and crotch and wore pantihose, just remembered, wow!). Engineering school was way easier than dealing with me inside.
I have the ability to block out ( complete ) and I use it. I need to learn to unblock out and feel. I want to feel so bad.
I think about being a woman every second of the day. I need to be me. I will gain the strength and ability to to express myself.
This is me :) hugs
I'm 53 and told my wife of 8 years about a week ago. She seems cool with it but I wonder.
Quote from: cynthiajonesmtf on January 13, 2013, 07:44:19 AM
Strong, no, not at all. I realize my developement is stunted due to my inability to deal with my reality. Also, my inability to deal with my reality controls me. I realize I need to take control of my life and be me ( much simplier said than done).
Something you're likely to notice as a common thread with people like us is that, maybe because we never went through the puberty we grew up expecting -- expecting at least at some level, even if deeply supressed and compartmentalized -- our development in some areas, especially social areas, can remain fairly stunted for a very long time. Coming out helps with that, once you're at a point where you feel safe to be honest with at least those who are closest, and care the most, but there is no denying it can be difficult both for us and for those around us.
I had something close to a religious vision a few years back (partly a byproduct of prescribed drugs that should never have been prescribed for me, an SSRI, to be specific).
I found myself flooded with emotions and insights and information at a rate that was practically impossible to deal with. In the vision, a group of Goddesses appeared, who said they would take it in and hold it all for me until I was ready to come back and examine them at a rate that a human, not a full goddess, could handle. It may not be your vision, but it sounds like you could use something like that, even as a metaphor, for coping with the flood of input you're dealing with now?
Cynthia, first things first. You need to find a place (in your mind) where you are comfortable with yourself. That may take the guidance of a therapist, or a support group, and/or some really deep introspection (which you are obviously doing).
Second, your family will not begrudge you the therapy you need and desire. That your are seeking therapies for unresolved issues, and the depression and anxiety that comes with them, is all they really need to know at this point.
Good luck to you. And don't worry about age. I was older than you when I had my epiphany.
Thank you all for your warm support and sharing. Thank you for the Love, hugs :)
Wow! How did you know I never had a real puberty? I absolutely hated puberty and was in complete panic. I wanted so much to be a girl 100%. Since my acceptance, I think about MTF issues almost my entire waking hours. My sleeping is down to 2 periods of 1.5 or so hours a night and the headaches continue. What I am going through now is what I was going through at puberty but worse!
During my life I was attracted to males but extremeny ashamed. I had a friend in high school I was close to for 3 years. I am attracted to females to; would define it 70 male/30 female as far as attraction. Since I accepted myself and really think and try to understand myself I find some males make electric micro shocks through my body. I was on an elevator and a guy came on and It felt like a small electric shock went through my body. I made eye contact, smiled and he smiled back ( I wanted to start a conversation but didn't). This has happend several times and it feels good and I like it. Women appear soooo beautiful and I look at them differnetly, what they wear and there their body proportions. I find women scents are so beautiful now. I would love to be able to wear perfume, paint my nails and wear womens cloths.
I have an appointment at the Mazzoni center Thursday. I will ask about a therapist they recommend. I agree, I need to get help and share with my wife with the therapist present after he figures me out.
I do not know if what I have is dysphoria but is is all consuming and I feel I am drawn to MTF. I would like a very low dose AA and E to see if it helps. There is definately something very strong inside of my head and it is changing.
Quote from: cynthiajonesmtf on January 15, 2013, 02:21:06 PM
I have an appointment at the Mazzoni center Thursday. I will ask about a therapist they recommend. I agree, I need to get help and share with my wife with the therapist present after he figures me out.
Just a note... unless the therapist if overstepping his/her role, you will (probably) be doing most of the figuring out yourself, and this is not a one-size-fits-all situation. She may be able to tell you some of the things that others have shared here, but unless she herself is transgendered, be prepared that her take might be based on study and personal interest in the subject, rather than direct experience.
There are also areas of honest disagreement when it comes to causes and best practices... the research to date is sadly lacking, and much of the old research has been discredited because it was clearly based on bias and unfounded supposition, for instance, about the influence of environmental factors, but not every therapist has yet gotten the memos on those areas. Better now than it once was, though.
Also, I suggest giving some serious thought to whether you want to work with a male or female therapist. I deeply regret some of the lost time and miscommunication that came from working with a guy for as long as I did. There were many times when his assumptions and attachment to his own gender came in the way of making myself heard or understood by him, even though he was fairly well-informed on transgender issues for the time when I was in therapy with him. My heart told me to insist on a female therapist, but my passivity and self-doubts allowed me to say it was okay to work with him. In retrospect it was a bad idea, and one that was financially and emotionally very costly. YMMV.
Picking a male or female therapist is very important. I choose female because of the comfort level I felt with her. We have been in contact for along time and are very good friends. Hope you can be that lucky.
Thank you.
Thursday I have an appointment at the center, physical and blood. Next month I have another appointment there with a PA. I would like to get the referral and see the therapist before the meeting with the Physicians Assistant. They have an informend consent model and I have some time but not much.
I will ask for referrals and request females and if possible a MTF. I think a MTF would be the best possible help. This is a pretty big center so perhaps ther is a chance for a MTF. They also have group meetings on Thursday nights but my chances are low on getting there for now. Later I will definately be there after my wife is informed. Hopefully she can attend with me.
From tidal wave to panic to acceptance to 1st steps. Next a formal plan.
Thanks for your guidance and advice, it really helps.
hugs :) Love Cindy
Hi Cynthia *waves!
I just have to say wow, it could have been me writing what you wrote. Its the same deal.
There isn't alot more I can add to the superb advice already givien, which Im also listening to (Thank You All! :-)
I've just started therapy and I am so surprised at the level of understanding. Almost everything I said was met with a knowing nod and support. You will find this too, Im sure. It is going to be a process for sure, and I dont know how far I will go either.
Like it was mentioned, this isn't going to be a race to get to the end, it's a journey to experience. I am having to remind myself of this constantly.
The urge to shout to the world who I am is strong, so I'm making sure to be careful and safe.
But I can say this, that talking to a pro AND a Trans support group is already working for me. I can just talk and not worry what I say or how I act. It's a real relief.
It's also helping to reduce the confusion, anxiety, loss ( I dont understand the loss part, except that I feel a huge 'pool' of sorrow and loss and guilt that for me is so large I dont think I can cry it all away, and I cry constantly. I know it will eventually be drained tho, so dont despair! You might find this for yourself as well.
I wish you the very very best Cynthia, and I have your back for whatever a stranger can do, I guess that means that if you are feeling alone, if I were there, Id be right beside you, sharing the weight.
I love you all so much right now.
Be strong girl!
-Kii
I am new to the forum, but less new to the feelings you are going through. I only realized myself at age 65 as I began crossdressing, accepted the transgender nature 6 months later. Wife knows about the crossdressing (hates it). Now my female side is dominant, and I dislike the remaining male side.
I need to accept it myself, and attempt to move forward. Sixteen months into the journey. Fortunate not to have had a life filled with these feelings, but they are still hard enough to sort out. They only get louder when ignored.
One thing I have found, and others have confirmed. When you start on the T blocker, you will find a peace and some of the anxieties will be lessened quite a bit. Rational for this has been given as the lower T puts your hormonal controlled body more in line with your female mind and you are more comfortable. Don't really know why, don't care really.
Wishing you the best of fortunes as you continue your journey.
Barbara
Thank you for the support and kind words; it really helps :) hugs.
I am Transg* and feminine inside. I am proud to be TG. I repeat this several times a day.
My goal is to feel whole and I do not know where it will take me. Today I feel trapped. 17 hours till the 1st appointment ( physical and blood work). I feel nervious, anxious, excited and impatient. I keep repeating," I can do this". I will inquire re female therapist and hopefully MTF. I want to go to support, need to figure out how.
The beginning is in sight. I am still not honest with my family but I am honest with my new friends ( you girls) and tomorrow I will face a human(s), look them in the face and tell them my secret, deep deep deep repressed secret. I will say I prefer Cynthia, if thay ask. I will not look away or down when I say it. On the inside I will screem yes when I do it ( I repeat this over and over). If I can do this then I will feel proud of myself ( 1 small victory).
Goal, I want to feel, be whole and be happy.
I slept 5 hours last night and the headachs were about 1/2 the day, stomach was fine, mostly. Improving! I think of my MTF issues all day. The stress of coming out to family is relieved till later.
Quote from: cynthiajonesmtf on January 16, 2013, 08:17:06 PM
I will say I prefer Cynthia, if thay ask. I will not look away or down when I say it. On the inside I will screem yes when I do it ( I repeat this over and over). If I can do this then I will feel proud of myself
You're gonna love saying what you are about to say :-)
You might want to consider a small plan for cool-down when you leave the building, I was a little foggie from the emotional whirlwind. You might not want to drive for a bit. Maybe a blanket to wrap up in and hold onto, and some water or tea or something. I hadn't thought about it, so I guess I'm just trying to share. I cryed all over my shirt, haha
Im so excited for you:-)
-Nikkii
Whoo Cynthia,
Take it as it comes. Try and relax a little, (I know useless advice that :laugh:).
I remember my first session with my psychiatrist, he was quiet and warm. He asked me what name I preferred to be called. And that was that. He then asked me why I was meeting with him and what did I want to do with myself?
I decided before I met him that I would be totally honest and not hide or lie. If I was true to myself then I would look after me (sorry the old dual personality stuff, which quickly goes).
He neither approved nor disapproved of anything. In fact he just listened with occasional questions for clarification.
I felt that this was my session to introduce myself and to accept myself, and to have the courage to face someone and show them my soul.
I hoped that my soul would be respected. I felt great fear.
He then explained the process of the South Australian Gender identity unit. I could accept the process or reject it, it was my choice.
I accepted it. I wanted to be me.
This was my first meeting with a man who has never judged me. Who has treated me fairly and allowed me to find myself and emerge from my prison.
I am very proud to say that I met a therapist and decided to trust him with a life that I have never shared with anyone else. A man to whom I have revealed secrets and torments that very nearly killed me. With horror that I thought I would never confront and kept locked in dark places.
In may case it wasn't long before I did not have a therapist. I had a friend who I trusted with my soul and my very fragile psyche.
Now I have a friend who I am glad to meet and chat with, and a friend who takes genuine pride in my accomplishments.
We no longer have regular sessions. I don't need them and he has others who need him.
But he is still a friend and we catch up for a coffee and a chat.
I hope and pray that you have a similar relationship and have the wonderful feeling and glory of accepting you.
Walk with pride Cynthia, you have nothing to fear except fear, and your sisters stand with you to share that with you and to give you our strength when needed.
Hugs
Cindy
I read here one time a person said his wife was cool and encouraged him to go ahead and take meds and go through with it. Once he did she left him. He said people should take his advice.
I am now afraid that the only person in which I trusted and loved, and the woman that would do anything for me is now gone because of my selfishness. I wanted to feel better by not lying. Now I have >-bleeped-<ed up my life with no recourse. :'(
Quote from: dohtao on January 17, 2013, 07:04:56 AM
I am now afraid that the only person in which I trusted and loved, and the woman that would do anything for me is now gone because of my selfishness. I wanted to feel better by not lying. Now I have >-bleeped-<ed up my life with no recourse. :'(
It's a cliche, but if you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go, or it just turns into a form of prison.
I don't mean to dismiss this... it's taken me over 10 years to get over my divorce, and in many ways I'm really not over it. I would love for my ex to ask me back. She's now socializing almost entirely with women, and seems to have given up on her earlier fantasies about finding a man she could be with. We remain friendly (and I've lost a lot of the weight that was also a turn off for her). Part of me hopes, if I can find a way to afford transition at this point, and with her gradual growing acceptance of our trans son, and her recognition that she needs to understand more before declaring what should be the right decisions for people, that there might still be some small hope.
Of course part of me will need to also forgive and forget some of the hurts in between.
This isn't easy for anyone. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not. (I say this as someone who has gone through years of living in isolation and hiding related to my own delays about moving in a direction that part of me has always known was the only practical option available that could give me any measure of peace).
I hear your sorrow, and hope you can find ways to accept it and move on more quickly and with less self-damage than I did.
The advise is fantastic and so real to me, thank you. Your support is helping he to maintain my sanity :) Hugs
I meet with social worker and proceeded to dump ALL of my lifes details. There were tears and shaking hands. I promised myself to be 100% honest and give ALL the personal details about myself. I remembered more hurtful things when I was doing my dump. 90% through I started to fell good. When I left I was walking on air. I feel somewhat good about myself tonight; although my head hurts.
When I was called in the waiting room she called Cynthia ( felt odd); when I left she took me to the waiting room and opened the door and said Cynthis, I will see you next month. I smiled and said I look forward to it.
While sitting in the waiting room a tall trangender MTF came in to check in. She was stunning and had pink hair shaved on the sides. Confident, beautiful voice and had poise. She sat 1 seat away. I wanted so much to speak with her and ask so many questions. I said to myself, If she can traisform then I can.
I meet with the social worker in 1 month and the Physicians assistant for a physical and blood work. The social worker gave me the contact for a theripest ( Female MTF ) who she said is wonderful. I will call tomorrow. I need to figure out how to attend the support group without my wife finding out. They have a LGBT 3 day event June and I would love my family to attend.
The social worker cautioned not to say anything to my wife until I was well ready and prepaired.
I will only do HRT if my wift supports it and not just approves of it. I know there is a huge risk I can lose all and people are known to change their minds and withdraw support. I would love to be on HRT, even very low dose.
Funny story, but not at the time. I went to Walmart Saturday to buy some panties, 7:00 A.M. when they open. I walked in and to the womens section. I walked through and out the store. My body felt it was under attack, the pressure was so high. Does anyone have advise? I can not receive mail at home.
Hi Honey,
I'm so glad it went well. Hugs and kisses. And guess what? It gets easier every single time.
Shopping The final frontier!! So much horror so many nerves, so easy to do.
First rule of shopping. Sales assistant do not give a dime for who you are and what you are as long as you pay for the goods. That is their job and they get made redundant if the sore isn't selling stuff. If it is a boutique then even more so. They are all struggling they need sales.
I have in fact shopped in a Wal-Mart many years ago -they don't exist in Australia but big chain stores are the same the world over. These are very easy to shop in because you are totally anonymous. The sales assistants a re 9-5 and just want to get through the day without their boss hassling them. In reality you can go in dressed as bozo the clown with big feet, big red nose and a funny wig and 50% of them wouldn't notice.
It hels if you now your size and what style you like, woman,s briefs come in many styles and colours and you tend to get what you are comfy in or what is going to drive you partner nuts - a bit early for that one at the moment maybe? But there is nothing like nice underwear to lift your spirits no matter if you are FT or starting out. I can wear a skirt and blouse and look very business like and be wearing outrageously sexy lingerie, and no one knows but me. So decide what you want pick it up put it into your shopping basket and go the cashier can them scanned whatever and pay for them. Task done. If they ask are they for you with a sly grin, say yes with a sly grin back. Not any of their concern.
Skirts. My first times I picked up a skirt hopping it was my size took it home and was disappointed. How to tell the waist size? Easy. Measure your waist with a tape measure. Divide that figure in two. Measure that distance on your arm from had to wherever. Make a mark or remember where that distance is. Pick up a skirt, hold it against your arm and measure it for size against your reference marks. Easy.
Trying clothes on. In boutiques etc, just ask, can I try these? Often the cubicles are locked or monitored to prevent theft. It is very common in nice boutiques for staff to ask if you are OK. They mean is the size OK. If it is too small or too large ask if they have a larger or smaller size. They will bring it too you. Woman don't want to keep dressing and undressing to try the next size. If was taken aback inone of my early sessions, I was still dressing as a male and I was trying on a dress, in a boutique shop. I had asked and the girk said sure and unlocked a cubicle for me. After 5-10 mins she wandered past and aske how the fit was. I said I think its too tight, she said ,let me see. So I opened the door and stood there a guy in a dress, she looked and said yes too tight you need the next size up, and then asked if the bust size would be OK when I was dressed up. I said yes I think so, I'm a 38C when dressed. She brought the next size and off I went. BTW she wasn't embarrassed, she wasn't trying to embarrass me. She wanted the sale, she got it.
When I paid she said you are welcome back any time we are always getting new stock in. And I did return several times.
So again it is confidence, that is all. You have as much right to spend your money as anyone else does.
Hugs
Cindy
Quote from: Cindy James on January 17, 2013, 10:00:05 PM
I have in fact shopped in a Wal-Mart many years ago -they don't exist in Australia but big chain stores are the same the world over. These are very easy to shop in because you are totally anonymous. The sales assistants a re 9-5 and just want to get through the day without their boss hassling them. In reality you can go in dressed as bozo the clown with big feet, big red nose and a funny wig and 50% of them wouldn't notice.
No Wal-Mart I've shopped at (and I've been in ones all over the East Coast and at least as far West as Utah), tend to have enough floor staff to even ask questions. They might sometimes have someone near the women's changing rooms or at a jewelry counter. But the staffing tends to be low, and low service, so for the most part you are almost never going to be bothered by anyone, unless you go out of your way to get their attention.
Granted, before my kids were born, I had a job where I regularly went to all kinds of stores to gather information on how products were merchandised, so I learned a good bit about how sales staff tend to think about their jobs, and I was kind of used to making sure that I went in confident, and not sending signals to attract suspicion. Act like you belong there, and staff will assume you are there to buy what they are selling. They usually don't care about your reasons, unless you volunteer the info as part of seeking their help.
Because I did this as part of my job, and sometimes did weeklong tours of the country to get a comparison by area and region, I also did have the opportunity to slip in some personal shopping in places I knew I was unlikely to return to if anything did go badly for me, back when shopping for the clothes I really wanted was still making me nervous. This was limited only by the practical matter of needing to carry my purchases back home and finding space for them in my luggage, which, even in pre 9/11 days I tried to keep light and compact.
Still, getting to a point where you feel it's within your rights to be there can take time, especially if you're presently in a situation where you feel like someone close to you is trying to bargain with you or negotiate about your identity and feelings that may have been suppressed, but have long been simmering beneath the surface.
As a practical strategy, if you can't just convince yourself that you have as much right to shop there as anyone, and it's no one's business what you wear, you can always go with a rationalization and a standing explanation in your head, that you're shopping for a gift, or some even more arcane fiction. Not sure this really helps in the long run, but it might serve as a stopgap?
QuoteI can wear a skirt and blouse and look very business like and be wearing outrageously sexy lingerie, and no one knows but me. So decide what you want pick it up put it into your shopping basket and go the cashier can them scanned whatever and pay for them. Task done. If they ask are they for you with a sly grin, say yes with a sly grin back. Not any of their concern.
In decades of shopping for lingerie and undergarments, I've been asked or had comments no more that a few times. And usually those were complements about my taste, with an assumption from the sales clerk that I was probably buying a gift, or expressing approval that I was going for something both pretty and comfortable, that they wished their SO would think to buy for them.
QuoteSkirts. My first times I picked up a skirt hopping it was my size took it home and was disappointed. How to tell the waist size? Easy. Measure your waist with a tape measure. Divide that figure in two. Measure that distance on your arm from had to wherever. Make a mark or remember where that distance is. Pick up a skirt, hold it against your arm and measure it for size against your reference marks. Easy.
I need to remember this. At this point I usually just try things on, since I also want to see how the fit is in general. Waistband fit is fine, but if it looks awkward on my not so ample backside, it's not worth spending the money, no matter how cute the garment is.
QuoteTrying clothes on. In boutiques etc, just ask, can I try these? Often the cubicles are locked or monitored to prevent theft. It is very common in nice boutiques for staff to ask if you are OK. They mean is the size OK. If it is too small or too large ask if they have a larger or smaller size. They will bring it too you. Woman don't want to keep dressing and undressing to try the next size. If was taken aback inone of my early sessions, I was still dressing as a male and I was trying on a dress, in a boutique shop. I had asked and the girk said sure and unlocked a cubicle for me. After 5-10 mins she wandered past and aske how the fit was. I said I think its too tight, she said ,let me see. So I opened the door and stood there a guy in a dress, she looked and said yes too tight you need the next size up, and then asked if the bust size would be OK when I was dressed up. I said yes I think so, I'm a 38C when dressed. She brought the next size and off I went. BTW she wasn't embarrassed, she wasn't trying to embarrass me. She wanted the sale, she got it.
Reminds me of the last time I shopped in a more full-service boutique. Right now I'm trying to stay on a strict budget, so discount stores and heavy sales pricing are the rule for me. But I recall similar surprise and attentive service the first time I told myself, this is what I want, and I'm tired of buying things blind. A good sales person knows that such attention, if it is well-received, is also likely to boost the final sale, if they get a customer on a slow day and time who is open to their assistance and courteous attention. Any salesperson who is intentionally rude is not going to last long. And you can bet for experienced salesgirls, that you are not the first transwoman (or crossdresser) they have served.
Thank you so much for the support and advise , hugs :)
I tried to schedule and appointment with the counselor, called 5 times and left a message. I am very motivated to be honest with myself and never hide again. I do not think I could survive surpressing and degrading Cynthia again. I have the next social worker and Physicain Assistant's appointment scheduled.
I thought about the session yesterday. I am a Transg* female. I am bi-sexual ( 80% male/20% female orientated). I made this statement then ( felt good). I went over my sexual history in detail and said I am not ashamed of what I am. I have been living in hell and I am not going back. I remembered 2 times I wanted to kill myself before puberty and the 1 time I almost castrated myself ( age 7). I had a very close suicide episode in college, then completly turned off caring and feeling. Alcohol free for 15 years, before then 80- 100 cans of beer a week and wisky to boot. I often thought I did not care to live. I owe my life to my wife. I met her in a bar and she was nice. We dated and she loved me. 1st person to love me. I have never straid and owe her my life, although it is incomplete and broken.
I feel pretty good today and left a note about the social worker on the Centers message board. I am so grateful for the help ( tears in my eyes).
OK, I need to make another pantie buying attempt ( The girls here at so strong, how can I let them down). I like bikini and I think I am a size 8. I love pink, never wore it. Pink panties are a must. I would like some white female undershirts too.
Funny, I said to the social worker, I do not know what a 50 year old would look like transitioning and I could not pass. She was non committal but said you never know while lifting her eye brows. OK, there is hope. I want to at least experiance hormones for 6 months while dressing as much as possible female.
I am going to Kart today to buy panties.
I swor off masterbation because I always fantisize about transitioning / being TS and having sex with lots of men. I thought it was not good for Cynthia and in fact degrading and the male trying to degrade the female. Since telling the social worker I am BI and TG and that I accept this of myself I have been evaluating everything. I am eliminating my old personna for the new. I masterbated last night, same fantesy, felt bad last night, mostly disappointed. Woke this morning and thought, I am BI and TG. Cynthia is a female and she likes sex with men and she want to transition so the masterbation fantesy is a good thing and accepting it is accepting me. WOW!!!! I felt fantastic. I look back and can not believe something like that was a HUGE issue with me. I feel free, in control and whole. HUGE differance now, a wave of feelings are coming in. I am starting to really like who I am becoming. It feels so good and free.
I can not get over the feeling of well being I feel.
NO headach today and the stomach is 100%. I am Transgendered. I and Bi Sexual. This is me. I feel really good right now.
I can not express the sincere appreciation I feel for all the wonderful girls on the forum. Thank you! Hugs :) love Cindy.
K Mart was not completely successful. :(
Found Our Lady-J on Amazon and downloaded her songs. Hurt and A Picture of a Man made my cry.
When I was getting things together Barbra Walters can on and they had a segment on transkids. Particularly one little girl and followed her from 7 to 11. He parents are soooooo good. By that time, I was then sitting next to my wife, daughter (15) on the sofy near by. Daughter makes a comment ( my legal name) you have a girl trapped in you, haha ( she was kidding). I made no comment and my head started to explode. My emotions were being held back and my nose was getting full. Wife said is everything ok. Yes, I have a headach ( had one since 12-12-12).
Barbra said to the 11 year old how does it feel when your mommy says you have a disorder? I stated it is not a disorder several times. Wife said is everything ok why do you so care. Daughter said you have a girl trapped inside of you. I said we all have a spectrum of male and female. Wife and daughter look at me like and said what? I get up and goto the bathroom.
I was so close to telling but I need to see the therapist and be really ready. Just not right yet. I want it to come out right and hope to salvage my life.
I did not sleep much and hy head hurts. I think about MTF almost 100% of the time.
Purchased some trans pendants and braclets yesterday.
Hi cynthia,
Don't worry about it too much. I had almost exactly the same experience 2 nights ago, except mine didn't go as far really. I would of died trying to tell my parents what I feel inside but I just blanked completely and stayed quiet.
I found explaining my true self to a good friend who you know will keep it to themselves before going to family. I spent almost 2 1/2 hours chatting to my friend last night. I couldn't feel any better now that at least someone knows.
Just keep with it, there will come a point where you will feel confident enough. I'm probably trying to rush things a bit but thats just me. Not everyone will understand at first but try not to hurt yourself if someone doesn't understand.
Stay strong, hugs.
Laura :D
Quote from: cynthiajonesmtf on January 19, 2013, 09:19:32 AM
K Mart was not completely successful. :(
What happened Honey?
Easy girl, just breathe.
Dont pop, just take an extra breath. Im in the same boat.
In reading about your wife and daughter, they have enough to know now, so take the next step carefully.
I met a girl who is so strong I am amazed. The look in her eyes as she held my hand while I was crying has left me with an indelible impression, and that is this:
The strength of the female can be more than any man.
I saw it. I'll never forget.
This is the strength we must also harness, for it is already inside us.
Yes, we have to pick up the pieces of ourselves that has just broken down. I'm (and maybe We) are like a clock that has all of its springs and gears all popping out.
And we must be do it with grace and elegance.
Please just breathe a little, I'm learning this isnt a race.
We are the same in so many ways.
I did something new this morning! I danced and moved my hips and I cant tell you how nice it is.
Maybe give it a try for and see if it can provide you with some inner strength while the world gets up to speed with who you really are :-)
As an aside, I really want to do my nails! It's so intense
Take care today!
Will be back laters
-Nikkii
Obviously on some level your daughter knows already.
Thank you everyone for there support, hugs :)
K Mart- I went in rather early about 9:00. I went to the male section. The male and female section are next to each other. I went to the on-sale section which is next to the female section. I was able to look and see the layout and allow my heart to get back into my chest. There was a GG in the section so I waited. I ended up getting an on-sale male hoodie. When I went to pay the cashier was male and a customer came behind me that was male. I did not immediately just leave like in Wal Mart but I did not achieve my objective. Cindy James, you are so strong and definitely an inspiration.
We were at a funeral today. We were sitting in the pew and my daughter asked that I hold her wristlet while she took off her coat. She said I looked good holding it. She kids around a lot but she may have an idea about my gender mismatch. I cannot believe my wife does not know, although I lied to myself pretty effectively for so long; so, perhaps that with wishful thinking blinds her.
It was her uncle who died. So why was I the only one in her immediate family ( 3 females there, not counting myself) with tears running down my face?
I was thinking Victoria Secret. Reason is if I walk into the store then it is a female retail store and no other purpose. Then I most likely would be greeted by a sales assistant. When asked may I help you then I could say yes I am interested in thongs in size 8. If she asks if they are for myself or someone else then I have 2 choices ( please comment ). I could say me or my wife ( please comment). Wife would be easier but a lie. Me would be embarrassing but the truth.
Wife said I was losing to much weight. I was 227 on 12/12/12 and now 206 on 1/20/2013. Goal is 26 more pounds by 1/19/2013 when I see the Physician's Assistant ( 1st time) and Social worker 2nd time. I will try to get in touch with the therapist tomorrow. When I spoke with the social worker I said I would only do hormones if my wife approved. She said well you will at least have the choice if you want to or at a later date, referance is when I see the Physicians Assiatant. Huge issue. I really want to take hormones. and if I have a script then I know I will get the hormones. How can I not take the hormones If I have them? The sneeky things that require no guts I can do ( referance buy panties I can not do because it is open and honest) and I know if I have them I will use them. If I start then how can you stop if the constant battlle in my mind stops? I think another battle in my head will start. Just rambling.
Hugs Sis,
You are going really well. Be proud.
Shopping at Victoria's Secret and the equivalent is really good fun. I had my first bra fitting at an Aussie equivalent, no probs I had my falsies with me and I was measured and we got the size then she took me to look at what sort of bras would fit.
But be aware. In a very broad generality, guys shopping in Vic Secret etc for lingerie for their wife is a common code for crossdressing. The staff don't care they are totally used to it.
It is a lot more anonymous in big stores.
But just keep plugging away, one step at a time. There is no rush at all. We all started as very scared people you will get there with time.
Hugs
Cindy
Quote from: cynthiajonesmtf on January 11, 2013, 10:02:26 PM
I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.
One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).
What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.
In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.
I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?
I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.
My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).
I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.
I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.
I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.
I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.
Hello Cindy.
Your story sounds very similar to mine in the early stages. I have been in transition for 10 years. At the beginning, I had no idea how far I would go. I will say this, for me - my relationship with my lovely wife of 32 years, was and still is priority. In other words, I would have continued to suppress my femininity if my sweet wife wanted me to.
But so sweet she is. She saw me and where I was going before I did. Indeed, at a crucial moment 3 years ago when she saw how I was struggling, she came right out and told me, "(old first name) you are a woman. This was what I needed to hear and loved her so much more for saying it.
Even at this point I had no idea where or how far I would go. I was at this time using makeup and dressing somewhat androgynous. Gradually, I began to be more and more public with my new self. We even joined a woman's networking group. And one day, a wonderful and precious member - seeing that I was trying to keep a foot in both worlds, simply asked "OK (old first name), what's it going to be?". Wow! I needed to hear no more. I now knew the direction I needed to take.
This along with the full support of my wonderful wife, I decided to go all the way. I had an Orchi performed and then, changed all of my ID (including my birth certificate), to my new name, Caisie Breen.
Even all of this didn't seem sufficient. Every time I sat down to pee, there it was, a birth defect that was really starting to bring me down. Hence, the 15th of February, I will finally be complete with my SRS.
I've never known such joy knowing that I will not only, really becoming the complete woman I was meant to be but my sweetie, my son's and my friends, completely support me and indeed, are happy for me.
This is just my experience. I wouldn't for a second suggest that this plan is right for. But like me, you may find that as time goes on, your path will indeed start becoming more and more clear.
Best of luck - hugs :-
Thank you for your help and support, it is a great comfort. hugs :) . A few weeks ago I was a complete basket case and thought I was soooo horrible. I am on a new path and where it will go I do not know. I owe this group of friends a great deal of thanks. You anchord we on the edge and did not let go. Thank you.
I have a meeting scheduled with the therapist this week. She sounds wonderful and has a lot of experiance helping people like myself. I need help. I now have a social worker, therapist and a Physicains Assistant.
Things are a little bit more fluid since I accept who I am and embrace my trans / bi self. Things are changing and there is a new level of issue developing. I am too ashamed to even share here. I do not know where this will go but the thoughts and actions are to strong to resist and I do not want to resist. Something to review with the therapist. Hope she can cope. I want to see her face when I tell her. I will see if we will be able to bond by the look in her face.
I am drawn to let my female out. I am changing. I am complled by something inside that wants to be free.
This is gross so be warned.
I need to dicslose, the level of discust I have gone. Please be honest with me and I will accept your comments in whole for thoughtful consideration.
My head was headach free until a little while ago. Now I have a pounder.
I accept being trans and BI. I had promised myself not to masterbate and fantisize about transitioning and performing sex on lots of guys. I had not masterbated since I made the appointment with the social worker. I was hoping a script for AA would somehow save me from myself. The PA perscribes and this is not till the 19th of Feb. I was disappointed. I realized I could not hold out. I fantisized I was transitioning ( same since I was 11) and having lots of sex with guys. This time I was not stuck at 24 now it was me at 50. My fantisy, I picked up a bunch of guys by the LGBT center and I had a wonderful feminine body and used it. ( not bad so far). When I was done the smell was compelling and I enjoyed it and it felt good. I had not done that since I was 24.
Gross and disgusting, I know. This is me. I have done worse but not for 26 years. I hope it does not further regress.
I am so sorry but I must share to be honest and real.
Darling,
There is nothing to be disgusted about at all!!!!!!
Perfectly normal reaction, perfectly normal fantasy for a female to have, or anyone else. There is nothing wrong in expressing sexuality, in fantasizing and masturbation. It is normal.
There is nothing wrong. Totally utterly and completely, NOTHING WRONG.
Oh by the way did I tell you that there is nothing wrong and nothing to be disgusted about? :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
Cindy
Thank you so much for not rejecting me and accepting me for what I am. I am definately changing. Into what I do not know. As the Trerapist said, I am on a journey.
I had my hands over my eyes just before I read your post. I feel so much better now. I did not want be fake but to what extent being real is too real?
Part of this whole process is accepting ourselves. For most of our lives we have lived in a dark box and burying it deeper whenever we can. Expressing ourselves was unforgivable and being ourselves was impossible.
Now we are waking up and we need to get used to being us.
There is nothing to fear except fear itself.
We are strong people, we have been forged in hell.
It just takes time for the shell to be peeled off.
Hugs
Cindy
Just be careful if you go and fulfill some of those fantasys. I wasn't careful and I am HIV+ to show for the fun.
So remember to use condoms if you do some of these things you been thiking of.
As for fun and freaky fantasies and bisexuality, yep, got both, got the merit badges I am sure.
People have sexual fantasies. It is what it is. Have fun and be safe.
Thank you for your support and understanding. I feel unclean
I am bonded and can not stray, not in me, no matter how strong the desire.
I owe my life to my wife. She cared about me (the outside me) and it gave me the reason to not be self destructive. It was a clean break from my issues. I am now straight edge so no drugs or alcohol or smoking ( enjoyed all three). Being and alcoholic ( 15 years sober, age of daughter) I can not go into a bar or be with my old friends. I have an extreamly addictive personality. I love the escape.
I Turned off feeling more than 30 years ago. I want to feel again and I want to share. My wife asks why I am distant, do not initiate sex or have interest in her. I tell her it is me and not her. Being TG is very self consuming.
Had an initial phone conversation with the Therapist Monday and I see her tomorrow evening. Apprehensive.
Hugs :)
well just get rid of that unclean feeling
it is natural to have sexual needs
do not let societies issues with sexuality inform your emotions in a negative fashion
Thank you for helping me. Hugs :)
Went to the LGBTQ center and meet with the Therapist. She is nice and I think we connected. Next appointment in a week. She has a lot of experiance. I think I am in trouble because I think she will be able to smell BS a mile away ( I was honest although I did not gross her with explicid details, a little hold back is a lie, I will set it right). My thighs and stomach were shivering and my hands were a bit shakey. I did not cry but 1/2 the time I could not look her in the face. I pointed it out to her and why ( really difficult to face me through others faces but I must to be healthy). The more talk time the better I will be able to accept me. You girls help tremendiously too with the love, understanding and support, thank you.
I felt really apprehensive the 2 days prior to the appointment. She said, it would be easier to cope by me hiding then facing. I know she is right. She said I hit a point and then I started transitioning. Different types of transitioning mind, spirit, external and hormonal. She said hormonal was the easy part and that I needed to work with the 1st 3 first. Right again.
I shared I see the social worker and PA in Feb and that I would be able to get a script then. She knows them and use to work with them. I expressed I wanted to try hormones at a very very low level to start but feel I will slide if I feel good on them. I think I need to put off the hormones for a little while till my head is more stable. I was a basket case a month ago and just able to express in words to a human my gender, disphoria and obsession.
I told her me on the outside is opposite to me inside, like 2 different persons ( really). I am changing to Me inside on the outside.
I told her Cynthia is the twin of Apallo and the Goddess of the moon ( moon, easy to be stelth and hide). I love my name, it is so me.
I told her I drempt last night, 1st I can remenber in many years. A TG in Home Depot with lots of guys looking at her very odd. I awoke and said how can she do this. I looked at the TG receptiones tonight ( looked lovely, tall, thin and cute) and said to myself how can she do this? Told the therapist this and she said what ( took it the wrong way). I told her my K Mart and Wal Mart panty raid attempts and said how can I do this ( same as the receptionest), she got it.
Driving home I felt good. I feel funny though, my stomach has butterfies. I think I know I have found help. I think I know I am on uncharted terratory. I am a bit happy, a bit excited and a bit insecure, a bit alive.
She was surprised I was able to express clearly I am Trans and bi matter of factly. I explained my list of my life and 1/2 way through I acknowledged what I am and that I want to not be ashamed of me or hide or be unhealthy.
I told her my role models at work. There are many women in all levels and at the very top. I expressed my observations and how I coping them and express their natural leadership methods and how it feels when I use their methods. If women only knew how powerful and effective they are then men would not stand a chance.
I had a dream last night ( 2nd time in a week). I could not remember when I last had a dream, prior to this week.
I have been self absorbed in myself and busy trying to become healthy. My self stimulation has evolved to transitioning present day, so so intense and satisfying. I no longer dislike the thoughts; I welcome them and enjoy.
The dream was something beautiful. I was walking on a bridge ( it is new) between two buildings and I meet someone who recently passed in a horrific way. She was there and we chatted, just two girls having a converastion. She was not disfigured and she was in total peace. I awoke and knew I need to start (or at least be the spark to start) a fund to name the bridge in her honor. Monday, I will review the thought with an very strong ally. Something positive, something not about me in my mind. Where did this come from? I am starting to feel, care about others and dream. Cynthia is so cool it is not funny.
Went to the therapist for the 2nd time today. The day before was hell, WWIII in my head; all about what I could not change in the past. I was able to stop the negative do loop but it was staggering how much time and effort was wasted. I think it was apprehension prior to seeing the therapist. She asked what was it about and how did I resolve it. She, did not expand or waste time on it. I guess you can not change the past no matter how many times you present it to yourself or how you wish the outcome was different.
After the 1st session I was a little happy about me ( 1st time). I have been happy in my life in the past but never about me. After the second session I was happy and there was some joy about me. I mean I was happy and there is joy about what I am doing. I am a long way from the end but I have definatly begun. I feel good and happy. I have some assignmrnts to achieve. We are making small achievable goals. I can do this. I maintained eye contact with the therapist the whole time, felt outstanding.
She asked if I felt like giving up and going back to hiding and coping the old way. I said, the past is over and I am not going back. I promised Cynthia she was going to be part of the rest of my life and not in hiding. I expressed my goals, my affermations. I want to grow and be me. Lots of butterflies in my tummy, good feeling.
I had no problem going into the LGBTQ center today. There was a guy who staired at me going in and I just did not care. When I went to the Mazzoni center I passed it 5 times prior to going in. Small change but for me big.
Just noting my thoughts, 2nd therapist session:
Wednesday night I had no sleep and Thurday the headaches were very bad.
I was so happy Wednesday night from seeing the therapist and a comment I made in passing about hormones and boobs. She said the effects were reversable unless you are on them for a long time ( sterility is not an issue) with the exception of boobs. I said it would not be such a bad thing to have boobs. I am so nervous in growing boobs and the change. I just cannot believe the words flowed out of my mouth with not effort or remorse. I felt good after I made the comment and though tabout it all night.
2 questions she asked. 1) was why do I consider myself transgender? I said after I made my list of my lifes personal connections and activities or avoidance's it was self evident ( Transgender term I hear at work and else where). I need to fully disclose as I was growing up I was petrified of the word transvestite. At about 4 we were drive through Atlantic city at night and we came across a Transvestite ( as my father said) and he said yuck and made several negative comments. Mom sis and brother were in the car. I was about 4 or 5. I looked at the girl and was not repulsed ( as my father expressed). I was curious and staired. I have thought about this off and on all my life, sever time a year. I never wanted to have a transvestite label and hated the ideas in my mind.
2) What is my favorate color. I said I told people all my life gray. Then I said I hate gray and that I rally like pink. Pink stands out from a mile way to me. What I did not share Was the gray imagery. dark woods with trees and no leaves with crows on the branchhes calling to me in shrill cracklings. A pretty frightening place yet calm and easy to hide in. This is my place. I told people in plain sight where I thought about when I would hide from thoughts and facing feelings.
I told her I just want to be happy I want some joy and I give up and I am tire of hiding. I want to live. I told her suicide is a part of me, always present but very seldom in the forefront ( I am not thinking of offing myself). I want to express myself (Cynthia).
She asked if I had considered reverting to hiding and not going forward. I told her I am not going back. I can not go back. I do not know what my future will be, I am going to be open to change wherever it takes me that leads to happiness and joy ( internal about myself).
She said I need to slow down, find out what I really want and take things in small incremental changes. She said I should buy a pink shirt for work. I told her I would order one that night.
Got home Wednesday night. Daughter notice a necklace I was wearing ( thought it could not be seen, I never have worn anything on my body). She asked if it was a medical alert item. I said no. It had the transgender symbol on it. Dinner was over and I just started clearing the plates and put stuff in the dishwasher and went to the bathroom and removed the pendant so it was just a thin leather strap. My daughter never said anything more and my wife never mentioned it or looked over. Am I that good at situational manipulation or am I in a total human void. I am at a total loss for words to express my complete sense of uncaring about me. Something so huge and zero interest.
So I ordered the pink shirt and a blue tie. I will wear a ping and blue. Right in front I will express my true self. No one will notice and only I will get the symbolism. So when i ordered the shirt and tie I ordered 2 panties. Cool, the package will come and I will be able to show a shirt and tie and inside will be a pink pair and multicolor pair of bikini panties, with lace. The buying panties issue solved, or so I thought. I did my best in trying to get the size right. Tonight the email motice comes. The shift and tie are backordered and the panties were shipped in two different packages! Can you believe this. My head hurts so much right now. How will I get through the next 72 -96 hours. Hiding and sneaking and lieing get you a mound of worry and self loathing. Lesson learned, I need to express myself. This needs to stop and I need to grow. I need to just be honest.
Just ranting, another day in the life of me. Although, I am happy I ordered the panties and I look forward to getting them. They are really cute and I hope the look great on me. Hay Murphy, take a day off, ok!
Is there any chance you can escape to a large city for a weekend? This will alow you the chance to go out dresed and not have to worry about comeing out prematurly to the people in your life.
Thank you for the suggestion.
Yes, I have something coming up and I was thinking of that exact thing. There would not be a whole lot of free time but I would have 2 evenings free. I was thinking perhaps experimenting with makeup.
worrying about the mail deliveries, but what will be will be.
Thanks, hugs :)
Name change to Cynthia Michelle from cynthiajonesmtf. Definately me!
No headache today, No stomach ache today.
I finally forgave myself and want to transition my mind and spirit and will keep open the possibilities of my body. I will experiance HRT but I will keep open and see how the future unfolds. 2/19/2013 is when the bloodwork for HRT is done. I am excited for the possibility. I need to work on a plan to tell my SO I an TG. I need to be honest, open, happy and have joy about who I am. No going back to hiding. I am starting to feel good and accepting of myself. I hope for the best and I will plan for otherwise.
you really need to tell her before you start HRT
Thank you.
I know I need to inform her. The earliest HRT would probably be a week after the appointment on the 19th. I may need to delay but I will fill the script and when the green light occurs I will be all set. The therapist said I need to slow down and not rush. I need to listen to her and be able to articulate a conversation about a subject that I was just able to look at the therapist in the face last week. I have a lot of baggage but I am cleaning the slate.
You are right I need to be able to do things in the correct sequence. Just informing her I am TG is big. Then add my change in Primary to a LGBT center, than therapy and then the desire to attend support, attent the 3 day TG event in Phily May 31 to June 2nd next add in clothing and HRT.
I need to make a plan with milestones and objectives. I need to find out how much inforamtion, change and acceptance a person can absorb at any given time. Perhaps the therapist can help.
Just remenbered. When I was getting my drivers license I had to submit my application and take a written the pratical test. The State trooper said, " Son is that how you spell your name"? I has spelt Micheal, Michelle, for my middle name. The Trooper said fix it. He had a real mean voice. Funny!
Just sharing:
Came close to telling a coworker today I am TG and Bi. I had a hard time looking at him. I disclosed I am going to therapy weekly with one person and monthly with another. I gave statistics about suicide 60% attempt and 26% succeed. We shared suicide stories. He is an awesome influence and is a budest and attending retreats and goes to a Temple in the Gayborhood in Philly. I go to 2 LGBTQ centers there and my primary physician is in one center in the hood, very cool.
I shared some of the things I am trying to address such as learning to feel, remember my past ( he too has childhood past memory suppression), accepting who I am and trusting others ( We are both recovering alcoholics too). I shared the 99.98 %of society can not grasp what I am because they have no reference, they are just not able to understand. I expressed I am like a fish is a fish tank of acid and I want to learn to be in water. He said he was excited for me to be on a journey and good luck. I told him trusting people is really difficult and it is about a survival mechanism and that people hate people like me. I said if I told him he would look at me differently and think of me differently. I plan to tell him by Friday. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I will also review this with the therapist Wednesday.
I would like to wear my choker and bracelet, 24 hours a day, both with Trans* symbolism on them. I know you girls are so much more confident and way ahead of me but I think this desire is huge for me. Prior to this I will attend a few LGBT meetings at work and find out what they are about.
DO NOT COME OUT TO COWORKERS YET!
You are far to early in this process to come out to co-workers no matter how wonderful and enlightened they may be.
You have not even come out to your wife yet. You have just recently started to really delve into your psyche.
I understand that you are chomping at the bit and want to come clean with the world but comeing out prematurly can be a bad idea.
Also I know a number of girls who will say they wish that they had handled their coming out a lot more quiet and discretely.
Get some more therapy under your belt and build more coping mechanisms to deal with the potential rejections in the future.
(I know I am all like a wet blanket and no fun.)
Thank you, I appreciate your advice. Hugs
I just came home and read your post. I told him today and he was great ( I was very lucky and I totally understand and things could have gone very bad). I could have been the talk at work, huge risk. I was premature I know and will be more cairful in the future. I agree I need more therapy time and I need to disclose to my wife. She will be next when the therapist agrees I am ready.
We had a mutual friend that move away about 10 years ago and he transitioned and had SRS. We discussed the issue in the past many times and he said how he must have been in pain and how he wished he has shared his issues with him.
I asked my co-worker if he thought I should disclose this to my boss. He said only if I plan to wear a dress to work then tell him first. Other than that you are best keeping it private. He has better judgement then me about this, especially now. Cyntialee, you too have great judgement in this and it was too soon, I shall be more guarded in the future.
2/19/2013 is when I have a physical and bloodwork done for HRT. I guess I wanted things to progress faster and I need to let things progress at its own pace. Where was my head when I asked if I should share with the boss? What was I thinking.
Panties came in the mail and the wife did not open the package, why? Wearing them now and a perfect fit 6M, soooooo colorful. I have a smile on my face. If she opened them then what? I need to use better judgement but it is so difficult. What was I thinking? From complete repression to what I am doing now, very risky.
I have a splitting head ach. I have only had 1 day since 12/5/2012 with out a head ach. Is this common?
you need to go to a doctor about these headaches, we are not doctors here and the few who might be are not going to even try to diagnos you online
Does the company you work for have an HR department?
If so then alot of the work you have ahead of you may have already been done by a previous transitioner. Don't say it can't happen, it has in the past.
If there is an HR department you need to find out their policies and procedures in place if a person tansitions at work. Chances are they won't have them, but they might. If they do not they will start looking around the resourses of the HR world and find out the established practices that have worked in other companies. (they even have HR forums out there, so they are networked) Any established practices they may find will probably be half way decent as is and only need to be tailored to the company.
I am exceptionally lucky. Work has a diversity Department and a LGBT panel with execuative sponsor. We have policies and transg* is specifically mentioned with respect to the policies.
I saw the Therapist today and she recommended not coming out further at work for now. She recommeded coming out to my wife, most difficult and highest stake person, whan I am ready. We worked on timing and how to open the conversation and what I was going to say. I may come out this week or next. We discussed the potential high emotions that may be expressed, hurt and the potential of a break-up.
I love going to the therapist. Putting things into perspective, feeling more comfortable with being trans and bi is a wonderful feeling. I am comfortable goin to the LGBTQ center now too. Looking around and reading the different material and viewing the art work and listening to conversations is enlightning. I can not believe I denied myself this revlief and understanding. We spoke briefly about my appt, for blood work for HRT and timing. I want HRT but I am not ready yet. I need to get things in order.
Sounds like you have a good therapist and a good work place. Listen to her advice.
One thing some of us do is make a roadmap of landmarks we need to attain along our path to congruence. Perhaps as a timeline or just as a general framework.
:)
Thank you, hugs.
Timed dependent goals is good advise, thanks.
I need some advise. When I was at the therapist I inquired about my bloodwork on the 19th and what to expect and when I could start or get a script for HRT. She said providing there is not a medical reason they are informed consent so when the bloodwork came back, and it is ok then you could get a script. Then she said you are older (50) and have diabetes ( under control with weight loss, diet and exercise for 15 years). So that can be an issue.
I have obsessed over this since Wednesday. I have had a bit of a bad time with this but not world war III. I have not been honest. I said to her and here that I am open to a future what ever it will be. This is a lie. I want HRT. Edited, content deleted as requested.
If I can not trasition, even with very low dose, then I do not know . I will be stuck in hell, left behind because of my body, again. If this happens then I not be happy and there will be no joy for me, ever. My heart rate is 50, 125/67 blood pressure, 20/25 vision, my triglicerides are very low, colesterol is fantastic, long term sugar is a 5, BMI 127. What are my options if they will not provide HRT? Does anyone have diabetes II and on HRT? I have 10 days plus lab time before I know what direction I can go.
I am dishonest to even myself. When the thrapist mentioned age and diabetes and a limiting factor I felt like I hit a brick wall going 20 MPH. I now know to the extent my mind deceives myself and others. I am not honest. This is amout me and no one else. Selfish, yes.
I am sure that they can safely administer HRT inspite of the diabetes.
You just need to pay attention and follow doctors orders.
(Could you please not include your sexual fantasies in this thread? There is a sexuality forum where they would be more apropriate and in a place I tend to avoid.)
;)
It is triggering for me in some ways.
Sorry, post edited.
I hope you are correct.
I have come to know more about myself in the past 2 1/2 months than I have in 50 years.
sounds about right
;D
and the neat thing?
the revelations and inner insight stuff will keep on for at least a year
The first year of my transition was scary and wild for me, but there was so much I learned and discovered. I almost miss it. almost
;)
Cynthia Michelle,
You are definitely not alone here hon, May are in the same boat, myself as well, and many have been there and are here to share their wisdom and experience and help you through this time. I understand your fear, for your family, you job,... It's hard. just remember we here are a family and we can understand where others can't.
Be safe, attend your appointments and keep walking. :)
C.
i am in need of seriouse help. i dont knwo where to start and what to do first... i really want to start my hormones. were do i get them? anyone help please
Claire ;)
Quote from: scaredtostart23 on February 10, 2013, 08:53:50 AM
i am in need of seriouse help. i dont knwo where to start and what to do first... i really want to start my hormones. were do i get them? anyone help please
Claire ;)
Hi Claire,
Welcome to the group!
If you are serious about getting started then I would suggest starting with a gender therapist and this forum. It is too soon to talk hormones and surgery at this time.
Claire, Cynthialee is 100% on target. Support here will help and a gender therapist is awesome help. I would add that a informed consent model center can assist with HRT.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on February 09, 2013, 05:39:42 PM
I need some advise. When I was at the therapist I inquired about my bloodwork on the 19th and what to expect and when I could start or get a script for HRT. She said providing there is not a medical reason they are informed consent so when the bloodwork came back, and it is ok then you could get a script. Then she said you are older (50) and have diabetes ( under control with weight loss, diet and exercise for 15 years). So that can be an issue.
I'm pretty sure Cynthialee is right. What it sounds like your doc may be saying is more of a warning that HRT may not be as effective given age and diabetes.
However, given your other stats it sounds like you have the Type II diabetes under control which ought to be a good thing, along with your otherwise seeming good heath overall. I don't know the status of your diabetes and it tends to complicate many things, but it's not necessarily, especially if you're controlling it well, a bad thing... but it does mean its something that may need to be monitored more closely as you proceed.
I'm not in transition yet myself, so I can't offer specifics. I got a type II diabetes Dx about a year ago, but since then have managed to control it, and lose much of the weight that led to it, and I'm presently free of the need for insulin to manage it, now that my weight and diet are closer to what they should be. My inadequate insurance and iffy finances are the main things right now that prevent my moving forward, since I do realize that I will need to spend considerable resources and have a more stable ongoing income if I'm going to move forward at all in transitioning without taking insane risks.
Thank you for your reassurances, it helps to calm the unknown, hugs.
Down to 206 pounds, 26 to 36 from ideal. Lost 24 pounds in 2 1/2 months. I need a hair cut; I am starting to look like a girl ;D, just kidding, but definately growing!
I had a major change in how I preceive myself, I not only accept myself but I like who I am ( almost 100%). I have had no headach for 2 days. I have no depression and there is no feeling of being cornored. I also got a lot from another post and I think I am taking my own advice to slow down and catch myself ( the therapist told me to slow down 2 weeks ago, odd how seeing yourself in another person can make you think).
7 days till my hrt bloodwork, butterflies and excitment when I think of it.
1 day for 1 therapist and 6 for the other, very excited and I have some questions. I fit the >-bleeped-< model with no cross dressing prior to puberty ( no erodic exitment from wearing womens cloths. I see just myself as a woman (just)).
It the correct term for me transgender ot transsexual? If I choose to transition then am I transsexual of is that only if you have SRS? I am trying to figure who I am. I would not want to incorrectly ID mysel to others on the forum. When I came out to the 1 non-therapist I defined myself as a transgender bi-sexual (I do not think he would care about the depth of the different terms).
I need to find the best time to share with my wife I am trans. This week is out! Next is a target, bet the stress returns then. I am just happy not to be in torment for now. I am getting use to me and do not think being trans is dirty any more. I just hope she can remain attracted to me.
transgender, transsexual, woman with a trans history or my personal favorite: woman
;)
don't get caught up in labels, down that road lay alot of interfaction politicing and heartache
You are Cynthia Michelle and you have a medical condition that needs to be addressed before you can go forward.
After you have settled into your transition and feel comfortable tackleing the complexities of gender identity semantics then it might be fun to get caught up in it all.
Let's just get you healthy before all the extra stuff. ok?
:icon_hug:
Thanks, hugs.
Therapist tomorrow, stomach in butterflies.
Confirmed therapist #2 for next Tuesday and PA for bloodwork.
Ok, I chickened out telling the wife this week, perhaps not the best week. Next week will be just the simple fact TG and not a Trannie dump. One emotional person is enough ( me) and no need gong deep.
I hope to be in a group by March. I want so much to talk FTF with my own kind. I have so many questions and want to observe so much. Are they happy? Healthy? Well adjusted? What is it like to relate to another person of like minds? Binaries are nice enough if you hide but just can not relate to the issues.
Day 3 no headach.
Warning, some stuff about sex a and violance.
Went to the therapist today. I am completely drained. I learned a lot about me today.
I asked am I transsexual ( referance a study I was reading)? She replied that is an older used term and why.
I said >-bleeped-< fit me and she asked why. I expalined why and that while pleasing myself Monday and Tuesday it was done as me as a woman in the 1st person ( 1st time) and not the 3rd person and the response was 10X stronger. I also said I finally recognize I am a female and that my headaches went away, mostly. Tonight after therapy I had a doosie headach.
I asked what is dysphoria and do I have it. She explained and she gave exaples of my gender / sex inconsistancies. Wow, she was listening. I now completely understand. I sat back and actually said wow and smiled. I understood. Sometimes I am a brick.
Went over why I now no longer recognize religions. Simple, thay do not recognize me. Some preach hate toward my type. F them.
Raised RC and went to Catholic school. Masterbation was taught, is a sin. The only relief I had was a sin. Oh the guilt. Oh the bull >-bleeped-<.
They put me into a boys high school. I am a TG and in a boys high school. I was so alone. I had no friends. My friends were in the girls school. I never opened up my diploma. I hated high school.
Went into a male field in college, engineering, never opened up the deploma. I was truely alone.
When I have sex with my wife I have my eyes closed and I see nothing, just black and I need to concentrate to achieve orgasim. She said it is a defence machanism for survival. She said it was a normal survival technique, a disconnect. I cried because she said it was normal. She then said I was normal and offered a tissue. I refused, looked down ( could not look her in the eyes).
Talked about being 7, wanting to mutilate myself. A switch wend off and I started to studder and stammer at age 7 through high school and even a bit in college. I was so ashamed. Talked about reading as I male speek and as a woman and how I read beautifully as a woman ( flow).
Talked about intense viewing women in meetings, every detail and how they move, talk and moton their hands, feet and torso, hair, outfirs and clothing choices.
I told her my middle name. She said it flowed and she liked it
I cried on the way home, 1.25 hours, on my walk, .5 hours. I am emotionally drained. I carry on as normal aroung the family.
Spoke about intense fear for my safety at home at about 7. My famile is RC and Irish. Father and uncles 4 were all cops. They and their wives would get together. Wives in the other room and the men talked cop talk. I sat on the floor and listened. They would get really drunk ( all alcoholics as well as aunts and me too( recovering 15 years)). They would talk of their contacts and how it went. They did not speak of arrests but of beatings and how hurt people would be. It would be graphic. People like us were targets. I was so scared and had an intense fear of my father. I was about 5 or 6 when i opened the freezer door and a glass mike bottle fell and broke. I was beaten with a metal bar-be-Q leg. It hurt so much I put my arms back to cover and had so many welts I could not lay on my back for 2 days. I could not go outside so people could not see the bruses and marks on my arms, back and legs. From that point I always hid from my dad when he came home from work. I feel absolutely nothing when I type this accout.
I think I have learned more about myself today than I have in 2.5 months the journey began. All in all I think today will be a good day when I look back on it next week.
Come here hun,
:icon_hug:
This is the hardest part. Get through the mental gymnastics and find those deep recesses of the mind and lay them bare to yourself. leave no room for self deception. Find your inner truths and honor them.
You can be proud of yourself. You are certainly attacking this problem head on.
I told my wife last night.
She is dealing with it in her own way, she is unhappy.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on February 14, 2013, 08:35:44 PM
I think I have learned more about myself today than I have in 2.5 months the journey began. All in all I think today will be a good day when I look back on it next week.
This is why, helpful as forums can be, there is probably no substitute for a well-informed and sympathetic therapist with the training to draw these things out, and enable you to make the connections and self-acceptance that needs to happen. Welcome to your journey.
Quote from: Elspeth on February 16, 2013, 07:18:50 AM
This is why, helpful as forums can be, there is probably no substitute for a well-informed and sympathetic therapist with the training to draw these things out, and enable you to make the connections and self-acceptance that needs to happen. Welcome to your journey.
I had a very good therapist but she was incapable of helping me in geting to the bottom of the well. I had to dig there with the help of other trans women.
Do not think that a therapist is some form of mystic witchdoctor who will make it all better.
You can get there with or without a therapist. Now granted a therapist will be of some use to get letters and maybe get you started on the right path of question asking, but they are not very helpful for alot of us.
Thank you for your help, hugs.
Things are tense.
With great limits I would be able to salvage some of what we had and some of what I am.
I cannot take back the words. Words I should have said 23 years ago. Being afrade of what I am does not give me the right to lie and hurt others, no matter the excuse. I did not want to lose her then and I do not want to lose her now. I lied and hid who I am.
I have denied myself and fed my fantasy escape. Now the escape is not enough and I am spilling out all over.
My wife is trying to underastand and has lots of really tough questions. She wants honesty and the questions are to the point and she expects an answer immediately. I am struggling with the very questions she is asking. I am 90% honest with her and numb.
She wants to meet with the terapist and she needs to read about Transg* . Any great book suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Now she and I can read about what I am and what we ( she and I) can be together.
Life is funny; it just sucks being the punch line.
I am sure I will appreciate the courage she exhibited last night and today; however, it may be some time before we can demonstrate our love together.
True selves
http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025 (http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025)
I am so sorry hun. The odds are not that good that your marriage will survive. If it does it will take alot of work and comunication. Some marriages do survive transition, mine did, a number of others do also. But the relationship will change. Once that T genie is out of the bottle, there is no putting it back.
:icon_hug:
Quote from: cynthialee on February 16, 2013, 10:00:23 AM
I had a very good therapist but she was incapable of helping me in geting to the bottom of the well. I had to dig there with the help of other trans women.
Do not think that a therapist is some form of mystic witchdoctor who will make it all better.
You can get there with or without a therapist. Now granted a therapist will be of some use to get letters and maybe get you started on the right path of question asking, but they are not very helpful for alot of us.
I'm only referring to the good ones. And to explore these issues with someone competent, it still does take, first of all, making it clear what you are feeling at the roots. My trans son had seen therapists for years before coming out to himself. And in my case, I had a therapist who tried to convince me I was other things rather than help much in the way described here, though in time I did manage to get through to him why gay did not fit, living in hiding did not fit, and that for me things really boiled down to issues with my body rather than anything about particular relationships or other more distant factors.
My son does have a good gender therapist who is not trying to negotiate from prejudice, but she seems only to be helping him to understand himself and give him a full range of choices when it comes to dealing with his identity. At least that was my impression from (admittedly) one fairly brief part of a double session I took him to about a month ago.
The point I'm trying to make is that, as much as our trans sisters or brothers can be helpful, and may sometimes know more about being trans than anyone but a transwoman or transman therapist (and our numbers in such a forum also give us some real sense of how diverse we can be), still, someone who is seeing you in person, alone, in a quiet, unthreatening space, and has the skills to actively listen, can often ask questions that may or may not ever come up here, in part just because there is a distance, and we are all hearing many, many voices here, and rarely have the focus, except after a long and continuous conversation that may or may not happen for many of us, to get to those points, and ask the kinds of questions that give us permission to explore something we might have avoided, perhaps because it is hard to face, hard to admit in an open space where we might get any sort of response.
Therapists are not miracle workers or witch doctors with magical properties, that's true. But the setting of one-on-one therapy is very different from (and for me is less threatening than) a forum where I cannot be entirely sure who is reading, or what their level of understanding is, or whether what I say might activate some unknown trauma for them that leads the conversation in some direction that's very different from what I was looking to explore.
Granted, I had some pretty awful sessions with one therapist, and allowed that relationship to go on for far too long, where I did feel that what I was saying was often not being heard. That I would often find myself listening to his somewhat rambling stories about his antique Rolls Royce should have been a big red flag for me, but I have a really bad tendency to see other people's faults as something I somehow provoked. Hopefully that is at least one of the benefits that came from that otherwise often wasted experience: to recognize that tendency I have to make excuses for others, and personalize their reactions. I do that far, far less, either with health care pros or with the other people in my life than I once did, so I guess I have him to thank in part for my coming to that realizations.
Whatever one's feelings on this, though, in the end there remains the fact, at least if some sort of transition is likely to be part of one's future, that the involvement of a therapist will be part of the drill. Given that, it might as well be a competent one, and even better yet, one who is not attached to discredited ideas about where being trans comes from.
Thank you for your help, hugs.
I ordered three transg books from Amazon. I should have had them in hand prior to coming out to my wife. I know now for next time :laugh:.
I have listened to Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb 20 times and much of the song relates to my past, present and future. Things will be better, differnet, but better, I hope. F, I am trans, get on with life, I say to myself. I have had 50 years to get to this point. I do not intend to lay on the point, it hurts.
My therapist is absolutely fantastic and I am truely lucky. She cautioned me I was moving too fast. She was right but it is the 1st time for me and I guess I did not respect her guidance.
I would share her name for those interested and in the Philly area, in a private message. She is on the internet. She interviewed me prior to accepting me as a patient. She had an opening and I was referred to her.
Had my HRT physical / social worker meeting today. Went extreamly well and I am excited for a 2nd week in April HRT start, low level estrogin to begin with. I was very happy to be there and shared openly with all. I have not had a headach since I disclosed being Transg & BI to my wife.
sounds about right
;)
I was insomniac for over 20 years. Started transition and it cleared up in a week.
So I am not surprised that this head ache issue cleared up with this new change in your life.
When talking to my wife last night I mentioned the therapist would like to know ahead of time prior to having a joint session with my wife. My wife said now I have no need to see her, will do it later. We sit together at night for 30 minutes and talk or just cuddle. It is really nice to connect with her.
I need to discus low level estrogen with my wife, any suggestions.
I asked my therapist how many Trans are there like me. She said something my wife said, something amout me and statistics, then said 1 in 31,000. This is what I was looking for. When I look up the statistical information about trans people it shed light on what she thought I am! Ok, so now I know.
When I said I was hoping very low level estrogen would be hopefully enough to satisfy my female desires and feelings. She looked at me. I let a few seconds pass, quiet, then I said the words. I have a feeling it will not and it will lead to a full transition. Then I said how can I do this ( in dispair) and she said how did you tell a co-worker and your wife? You did it in small steps. I asked about where to buy cloths and she said most just go to every day places and pick them out, try them on and buy them.
The therapist gave me a field trip to a LGBT book store and to find 2 books, second floor. I felt really at ease in the store and when I could not find the texts asking and ordering. I really like this place an the guys were nice too. Really nice to be in the Philly gayborhood.
It is no easy task to tell your spouse you need to start cross sex hormones, even when they know it is eventually coming. My spouse knew it was eventually going to happen so it wasn't as difficult for me as it will be for you.
So I do not envy your situation.
I would suggest that it is breached carefully but with resolve. After a meal when conversation has already been established is a good idea. People are in rest and digest mode after a meal durring conversation. The fight or flight insticts are less likely to be engaged. Low nearly impecepatable calming music in the backgroud may help. Coffee or lavender in the air are theraputic scents.
Thank you, hugs.
Good luck with your continued journey. I am working with a therapist now about coming out to my wife. Toughest thing in the world for me, and it sounds like you love your wife as much as I do mine. I hope you find a way to stay together through it all. Hugs.
-T
Cynthia Michelle,
I've been watching this thread and I really do feel for your situation. I am in the same situation though I am still waiting for my GP to get back to me with the referral to a therapist I saw him for. I haven't been able to tell my wife yet either and I too am afraid that even low level hormones will lead to full transition. It scares me to be in this place (figuratively) but I've been driving through life with the "check engine" light on the entire time only a couple years ago did I admit that I knew why it was flashing in my face. Seing you here and where you are has given me hope and a little change in the anxiety I've been feeling lately.
Cynthialee,
I must thank you too for the hope you have given to Cynthia Michell and to all the others just starting out such as myself.
C.
My nightly connect time with my wife did not go well tonight. I told my wife I allowed all of me to be present during sex last week for the first time. Meaning the female part of me was present during sex with her. She was very upset. Further, I told her in the past 23 years I suppressed allowing the female part of me to be present and that last week was the first time I was fully connected to her.
Oh how I wish being honest did not suck so bad.
Now she said there will be no more sex with her and I can go have sex with Gay man or Lesbian women in Gay clubs. She is really pissed and hurt. She refers to me as having a female fantasy and asks why she is not good enough for me. Further she said I destroyed her image of herself.
I told her I was connecting to and embracing my female self and that now sex with her was complete and beautiful. She did not take this news well at all, not one bit.
Being transg is really such a burden, emotionally draining all the time; not just me but all those around me.
I am sure I will look back at this in 30 years and recognize this as a real growth opportunity, not!
Back off and give her time to think.
Giving her the books you bought is a good idea.
I am so sorry hun.
Thank you, hugs.
you bet
:icon_hug:
I am still in the woods. Saturday I shared with my wife I pictured myself as a women while having sex with her and that was the 1st time all of me was present during sex. Saturday night was awful, Sunday was unbearable. I had no sleep last night and today was very stressful and there were many texts. I thought it was over. No sex and I want to die if I did not have our daughter was said from her. I was calm and understanding and very numb. I saw the therapist today and she said my wife has had 7 days to digest transgender and does not know anything about it. Then you share that you had sex with her while being a woman. Think of it from your wife's perspective ( I know now) she is 100% heterosexual ( I never asked and she was always a gay rights advocate and her two room mates were gay). I never asked nor did I care and I thought she was a bit lesbian/gay leaning.
I was a LGBTQ under cover ( I fit all the letters some more than others) and in hiding. I never expected such an emotional, hate filled repulsive response from my wife. I thought I was sharing something very personal and beautiful. I was truly hurt when it was called "deviate sex". I was super calm and understanding. I fully get the binary guttural response now. When someone you love and they love you are so completely repulsed by something so innocent and beautiful then I know, I feel and I understand, Crystal clear.
I came home, sat with my wife tonight and she asked how did the therapy go. I told her what the therapist said. I felt warmth return and I am feeling such relief. I need to listen to the therapist and slow the XXXX down. I know I am transitioning late but there is no way to rush it. In the end I may end up alone or I may be married as friends or I may be happy and in a loving relationship. I need to follow the directions from the therapist.
A word about the Therapist. Her SO is a FTM Transg. She really gets it and I am so lucky to have her on the team ( closest sports analogy I can come to, I do not like sports). She really knows her stuff and tells you the real truth. Also, she has 3 engineers, 2 Architects and and IT manager as clients right now. She also said binaries do not question gender and that most all treansg are left handed. ( my left hand writing is fast and difficult to read, my right is beautiful but really slow. I switch left to right when eating and cutting food. I operate 4 networks and use both hands for mice use. )
Moving right along.
You will be fine in the long run. But...It will not come without pain and sacrifice.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on February 23, 2013, 11:07:23 PM
Now she said there will be no more sex with her and I can go have sex with Gay man or Lesbian women in Gay clubs. She is really pissed and hurt. She refers to me as having a female fantasy and asks why she is not good enough for me. Further she said I destroyed her image of herself.
You may want to discuss this with your therapist, but in my view, one member of a relationship cannot actually destroy another person's self-image. She is speaking from pain, and probably from shock grounded in having constructed a view of herself that was based on some false premises. Chances are, though, that at least some of this is stuff she may have sensed before. I'd try not to take it too literally.
Of course, my marriage ended 10 years ago, even though in many ways I'd felt that I was much more open about my female identification with her from the beginning. Our perspectives differ on this. Some of her motive for the divorce was to give herself the opportunity to find the "real man" she had convinced herself she was looking for. That has yet to happen, and lately the comments I hear from her are more about how her social connections are exclusively with women (apart from her fairly prestigious professional accomplishments and relationships with fellow doctors and medical professionals). In fact, at one party with some of her high school friends present, she said, with me standing across the kitchen counter from her, that she wished she were a lesbian.
What I'm trying to get at, without putting words in her mouth or giving you material to project upon, is just to not take every word from her, especially right now when this is all suddenly new-seeming to her, at face value. I would agree with your therapist that you may be rushing things in terms of giving her more information than she can safely handle all at once. It would probably be wise to give her time to process in some further, deeper, and hopefully less confrontational conversations that don't involve new revelations, but just try to deal with what she's feeling, and that give her space and opportunity to revise some of what may have come directly from pain, socialization and all the other things that may have affected how she came to define you.
If I didn't suggest it before, I'd also strongly suggest looking into imago relationship therapy. I definitely wish we had found it far earlier, and I did some things remarkably similar to you in bringing things up that had been grating at me for several years. I do think, even in handling our relationship since the divorce, that the imago approach has helped to keep the channels of communication a little more open, whatever the future might bring.
thanks, hugs.
I have not said anything to explaine TG to my wife with the exception of something last night. She has been happy and cool. I sit with her and we discuss things. Since the weekend nothing TG.
Last night we were sitting and she clicked on a link on facebook from someones account. There was a person I expect is a cross dresser dancing in a shear one piece bathing suit. She said in a half laughing comment do you want a bathing suit like that? Is he TG too? I said nothing for a while. Then I said he is not TG, did not tuck and got up and walked away. I kept my cool and later regretted not saying I would like to get a one piece bathing suit too. However, I know that would be in retailiation.
Understandable how that might have been triggering.
Next time the opportunity presents itself (organicaly) explain to her the differance between fetishistic cross dressing, which isn't you and a transsexual, which you are. She will likely understand you and accept you alot more once she realises that there is a clinical differance and it isn't about wanking in panties for you.
Thank you, hugs.
I just got back from the therapist. She was on vacation for 2 weeks. I dumped what I was up to in the past 2 weeks:
- finished "she is not there" by Jennifer Boylin, the similarities were all to similar until you get the HRT and the rest of the story,
- statred "My Gender Workbook" by Kate Barnstein. Fantastic book that explaines so much,
- went over the 4/19 HRT date and she said I had to tell my wife. I may need to delay starting till I / we figure out how to bridge the subject.
- Told the therapist HRT it is like my left hand cutting off my right hand and that I did not want to do HRT, transition or have SRS.
Further, I said when I get the script I do not think I will leave the pharmacy counter till I think the pills. So confilcted!
- Asked her how many people she treated that discontinued HRT. She said she treated many hundreds and only 1, who she said was probably confused about being TG and did not exhibit the classic patterns. I am on a collision coarse. I asked her what am I and she asked for clairification. I spouted the statistice and she said what I already knew but did not want to hear. I am Cynthia.
- She said I looked sad. I told her I was lonely. I do not discuss my TG issues with my wife and she does not ask. I am allowing the shock to pass. April is when I will broach the subject again. I am truely feeling like when I was 23 years ago, there is no such thing as love. I did no like the path I was going, I was using and being used by people for gratification. I was cellibate for 6 years till I meet my my future wife in a bar. I felt love at first sight. She was a nice person and I wanted to be normal so bad. My parents were so happy and I tried to be something I was not. Now, I feel lonely. My wife had said 2 weeks ago that sex was over. We are friendly but not intimate. The therapist said it is getting close for me to start meeting other TG people, I assumed at a group session. She is right, another obstical to overcome soon.
- My head hurt so bad and I had butterflies and shivering in my torso during the 2nd half of the session.
- Honestly, you girls are so brave and are a steel forged in hell. I am just so damn scared about the future. I know, calm down and one thing at a time.
- Facing your fears is a difficult thing to do. The path forward is not easy. Stopping is not what I want. Resolution to the dual feelings and feelings is a must. I want Cynthia to have a chance of living and being and feeling.
Thanks for reading!
Transition is hard and it can seem scary.
But!!!
I can promise you that a womans life is the only life a woman should lead. The rewards of being true to yourself are indescribable.
Cynthia,
I was misserabale and hateful and angry at the world. I was in a constant state of anger and border line depression. I lived with a life time of insomnia.
All that cleared up within weeks of starting my transition. Have there been times that were hard and I doubted myself? YES! But those moments were fleeting and informed by fear of the unknown.
My life for the last 3 years and change have been more genuine, and fun than my entire prior life.
I have friends now. Real friends. Close personal relationships that are informed by genuine care for the other person rather than begruding tolerance. I have the ability to sleep, insomnia is a long gone memory. Before transition my libido held me in an iron grasp. HRT has released me from that trap and I can enjoy the pleasures of the flesh without being consumed and driven by carnal desires. I am no longer sad angry and alone.
Every single facet of my life is better since I have transitioned.
Let me just go there and lay it on the table:
You are at rock bottom. You are in the deep pool of depression and life has become so bland that the only life line has become a therapist and a group of anonymous transsexuals on a support site. You are in a dangerous place that has claimed more lives than you can imagine. Your therapist is throwing you a life line with that HRT letter. I am that voice on the bridge of the ship yelling at you for the love of god turn around and look, there is a life ring right behind you. Please at least give it a chance. At this point...
What do you have to loose? You are already one foot in a grave.
I can not promise you that a transition will be easy or that you will walk away from it unscathed or even that it will be the thing you really need, but I do know that until you find out for yourself you are going to keep wondering "what if".
And what if transition is not the right thing for you? You spend some time in RLT learning something about what it is like to be a woman in contemporary society and you will get insight into yourself and your culture. Heck you could even write a book about it in the future and probably sell a ton of books.
The permanant stuff from HRT takes about 6-9 months to take effect. Typically we know if HRT is right for us or not by 3 months. So there is plenty of time to test the watters so to speak.
Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee
Hugs and thank you for your support and understanding.
I will try HRT (95% certain) and I will know within 6 months if it is right for me. The image I had in my mind when discussing HRT with the therapist was my hand trapped under a bolder and the only way free was HRT but it was like cutting off my hand ( the loss) but the gain is the thought of freedom and living.
I am lonely for compassionate understanding people to share me with, I agree. I will attend group mid April and see what that offers. Do not underetimate the value of the people on Susan's Place. I was overwhelmed in December and January and they anchored me till therapy started. I was in a poor state of mind then but now am learning about TransG* and myself and am adjusting with myself and excited about the opportunities in front of me.
I am contemplating coming out to another person I know. I think it would be very positive and another ally. I am cautious to only have positive allies at this point.
This is indeed a great place. There are members who saved my life a few years back. One was speaking to anouther girl in a thread I wasn't involved with. But her words to the other girl were just what I needed to read at that moment to keep me alive.
HRT and female life are not that bad. Personaly I find it to be very rewarding and I would cut your arm off if you tried to take my hormones away! (ok maybe that was a bit if a rhetorical statement...)
I made love with wife last night. It has been 2 weeks since I shared with her I had thought of myself as a woman the last time we had sex and she was very hurt and grossed out. She said we would never have sex again and she would not participate in deviate sex. Further she said se did not want to have sex with a woman.
I gave it time and understanding and we made love last night.
Question, what is a woman? Can you define a woman with 10 attributes? Do these attributes change from country to country? What are the common attributes that define "woman"?
My try, a woman is:
1) enriched emotions
2) callaborative
3) friendly
4) happy
5) defenceless
6) nurturing
7) beautiful
8) vain, loss of beauty with age
9) perfectionest about certain issues
10) free spirit
What is man?
My try:
1) no emotions
2) win
3) anger
4) take it all
5) no care
6) do not feel pain
7) focus on getting the "ball"
8) unhappy in your position in the pecking order
9) get your way
10) strong
I like the woman attributes much more than the man attributes. Do binalry men like the men attributes?
I am pretty sure a binary male would have a very differant set of qualities for his gender. ;)
I went to the therapist today. Reviewed the recent events with my wife, relations and comments about not wanting to have sex with a woman.
Confirmed the homone plan for next month, hot straight and normal ( pun intended).
The night before therapy I usually either do not sleep or sleep very little. I thought last night about discussing being trans with my boss and HR and in front to the organizations leadership. Both cases I did an all encompasing, "what it means to be trans to me". I started with picture a little boy at age 7 ( when I planned to mutilate myself) and saying to the boy, I will be true to you, then to go on explaing being trans to me. The therapist is sharp! She asked what does being true to you mean and who are you saying that to? I could not go into details. The tears flowed. I tried to discuss it but I could not. I teared the whole way home in the car, 2 hour ride with lots of emotion.
I left myself at age 11 ( puberty) and caved in. I coped the best I could and hid myself and socialized as a male. I denied me and I have ever since said I would be true to myself. I lied to myself and it hurts. I was not true to myself and I left myself alone for 39 years to only have a glimpse of myself from time to time and in masterbation. I did not mature and grow and now I see what I have done. I walk in one world without participation and I am an child in another. I have ignored and denied myself and acted as another. The person I have hurt most is myself. Therapy, can't live with it and can't live without it. This hurts!
:icon_hug:
That was pretty powerful and deep. You brought tears to my eyes on that one.
Yes it hurts like hell sometimes. It is not easy work to delve this deep into the psyche. You are doing the work and facing those inner demons. You will come out the other side stronger and healthier for it.
:)
now I have to go wash my face, my mascara is running
Thank you for caring, hugs.
I think this is the focal point of the beginning to understanding myself "I have ignored and denied myself and acted as another" and "what do you want" and "what will you do" . Sounds oh so simple. To what degree will I be true to myself.
It always feels better a day or two after therapy. There is a lot of food for thought.
:)
I can understand that big time. Now that I am no longer playing the part of a man my stress levels have seriously gone down. I no longer deny myself and act as anouther.
I wish I had transitioned in my teens. But it is what it is. I refuse to lament the lost years for long. I have things to do and life to live. If I spend my time wallowing in my missery over lost time, I am just loosing more time. ;)
After you have had your time to mourn what could have been and start your new life, you get to live a real life that is not an act. Even when it sucks, it is the real self and not a false identity that is living the life. Pretty spiffy if you ask me.
I was on vacation last week and just got back. I came into a town yesterday that had cell reception and learned my boss scheduled something I need to do, guess when? The time I am scheduled for my HRT visit ( was on my scheduling calendar in code). I will need to reschedule the hrt visit. Disapponting but very important. I felt angry and like I lost something. Important emotions from an e-mail. I can not change the scheduled event but I can reschedule the HRT visit. I came away learning I feel very strongly to start HRT, eveny though it has its challenges.
Jumped down a 30 foot hole into a cave with bats into a 70 foot deep pool of cave water. Floated in the cave for 100 feet to the exit ladder. Then I jumped from a sharp ledge into a large pool 30 feet in the air ( large hole) in the cave. My heart rate did not even budge up. I did something I never would have done 4 months ago. I did this thinking I an trans and I can do this.
first paragraph pretty much says it all
second paragraph sounds about right, now that you are embracing your true self, it is easier and funner to face the rest of life
Went to the therapist tonight. I was able to tell her what I keep prommissing the little boy, in a choked voice, I will be true to you-this time. After a lifetime of failing to act on being myself and planning to finially do "it" ( be me) I am finally doing it. She confirmend I am in the process of transitioning and to what that transition will be she said, is open. She said younger TG have the ability to see TG as a spectrum of variants while older TG see it as M or F.
The HRT reappontment is for 2 more months. I had an emotional Tuesday and Wednesday and almost ordered blackmarket stuff ( I did not). We reviewed the issue and she confirmed the black market would not be a good idea for me and why ( I knew already). She gave me a great Idea to follow up on tomorrow ( she has some pull at the center but she wanted me to act as my own "agency"). She said to ask for the 1st available appt and that the PA I was going to can be reassigned afterwards or just do the 2 month reappointment with the original PA. I really like the original PA ( reason- he is absolutely HOT with super cool eyes and a face that is to die for. He is really cute and super nice). I know, but i was taken back when the 2 month reappoint statement was made and I was thinking about the delay and the change in PA. Sounds like a simple solution but I just did not think of it.
8)
moving right along
I had lunch with my previous professional coach and another person. I came out to her ( the other person I had already came out to). This is # 6 including 3 health care professionals involved in my care She was fantastic, warm, accepting and encouraging. I knew she would. She asked some questions like how and when did you know and what is it like being TG. I explained to her if you are TG you know and I knew very early in life and wanted and planned to remove my genitals at age 7 ( and gave her the pertinent 4 periods of life chrisis and hell in between short story, cliff notes version and not too detailed). One question I said I could not answer and told her so. She asked if I wanted to transition and present as a woman and I said yes but there are complications such as family and keeping it intact and a balance between desire and reality. She asked for me to vision what I looked like in a year and what did that look like. I said I did not want to answer that question. She teaches at Villanova and Penn and can get to the point quickly. Truth is I do not know what the future holds but i am open to change.
We discussed how an HR department specific person would handle me coming out to will go. We all agreed the person will be great and I will see if she is free for a quick lunch or coffie later next week.
One thing that was interesting I was cold and shivered ( place was warm) during the conversation. I have felt this in therapy many times. I got a headach which followed me through to this morning. I think reviewing my past, present and future was a bit difficult. I think others do not understand the difficulty and mental drain it takes. They think it is freeing and ask questions that have a lot of impact. I guess they are right put the freedom has a price. I was able to maintain eye contact 40-50 % during the conversation, was able to get most of the words out pretty well but felt really nervious and like I was under pressure. All-in-all, a pretty good lunch. I just wish the headach would go away.
your 'cold and shivering' feelings are a natural response to trauma and it is infact very good for you and helps to heal the body, soul and mind
Let the shivers happen when you face this trauma. And trauma it is hun. Being trans* is rough stuff sometimes. Let the shivers and tears flow. Embrace the truth and face that pain head on and let it know that it will be dealt with. Then take action.
Which you have been in spades by doing exactly as you have been doing.
Just be aware that it is a natural response to your situation and it is actualy healthy for you.
I highly recomend Waking the Tiger, by Peter Levine for any one who has undergone trauma or works in a profesional capacity with people who have gone through trauma.
http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=waking+the+tiger+peter+levine&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=18993646001&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=474605450469083541&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&ref=pd_sl_3l4xi3r2s_b (http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=waking+the+tiger+peter+levine&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=18993646001&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=474605450469083541&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&ref=pd_sl_3l4xi3r2s_b)
Thank you. I will order the book, hugs.
:)
It is the book I recomend the most for anyone who has faced trauma in thier life.
And it certainly can be traumatic being trans*.
One of the key things to recover from trauma is to do something about it. Even if the action you choose is the wrong course of action, the fact that you tried to do something about it will mitigate the amount of emotional issues you deal with later on down the road due to the trauma.
Sorta like people who get caught in a survival situation. The majority of people who live through a critical survival situation did something instead of waiting for help and not doing something. Even if the action they choose was not the best choice, often it was better than doing nothing at all.
The fact that you are facing this trans* thing, talking about it with your therapist and peers and forming a plan of action to deal with it is the best thing you could have done. You are acting when faced with a chalenge instead of letting it overwhelm you and doing nothing.
Went to the therapist today. I came out to an associate last week and we reviewed what occured, how I felt and how it was received. I definately imporved on the delivery and the acceptance was awesome. I went over the plan to inflrm an HR person in 2 weeks. Specifically what to include. We are a self insured company so prescriptions may set off a red light. Also, I wanted to recover the cost of the therapist so that will put up a red flag. I also like the person and she would be an awesome alli.
Went over a next book and the trans confeance and what to go to. She is on several panels and teaches at U of P. She also has 1st hand trans* experiance in many perspectives.
Went over hormones and what to expect. I am 6'2" and have some apprehention about my height and other things ( the beach).
:)
The first trans woman who supported me and was there for me is over 6'5".
just throwing that out there
;)
Thank you.
I forgot to mention. The therapist and I reviewed the closer I get to HRT and acceptance the worse the dysphoria gets. It comes in waves and usually is heavy the day before and after therapy. I love therapy and am very lucky to be going but it is not fun and causes as much stress as relief. The cumulative effect is so empowering. At times, I almost feel happy to be me. Perhaps I am just happy to be accepted although it is only by a few.
The HR person had dinner with my newest alli. The alli mentioned a trans* was coming her way to disclose ( we reviewed this prior to the dinner. The purpose was to reduce the shock to the person informed). I had tried to get an appointment with the HR person but schedules did not align. I saw her today and she was anxious to get together today but it did not work out. I will see her in a week or two.
Just got a call from my trans daughter who adopted me as her mom a while back.
She is a whooping 6' 8" and an amazon. Rather cute to be honest. She is almost a year post op and living true to self for the last 2 years. She is gainfully employed and on the hunt for a husband.
So her height is not holding her back either.
I deeply feel for you sweetie. Self Development of your inner structure ( this does not mean self medicating, that must be supervised ) Gather from the pool of what makes you the better person you know you are, this is irrespective of Gender. It comes from the moral and life style choices you and your wife have made together, this may highlight a likely outcome with your loved ones. Check into the employment policies of your place of employment, they don't have to know why your asking !!
A therapist almost goes without saying, their input in helping you consolidate the positives and negate allot of the mind clutter that come from fear is priceless.
The fact you mentioned your sense of lying to loved ones, I personally would get ride of that guilt immediately.
Some wise person said our thoughts inform our actions and this is largely a true but until your post in this forum you don't seemed to have acted on any of your fantasies and so no real breach of trust or fidelity. The only real deception is to yourself, otherwise what I hear is a dedicated husband and father that has suppressed inner truth for the benefit of their loved ones.
I first started HRT in the mid 80's silicone implants were gaining controversy and saline come onto the market and GRS well it was barbaric allot of the new trans community were animate of not having final surgery. After 12 yrs I stopped HRT believing at least I tried but was uncomfortable with the idea of being neither one nor the other gender. I thought that was the end of it.
2 yrs ago the whole concept seem to over whelm me I thought about returning to HRT but all the same fears you've mentioned came with it, also I'm 48 not as convincing as I was in my 20's.
I thought it threw for 6mts ish, started HRT 14 mths ago and the Universe has supported me in ways I could not have believed.......We are always in the right place at the right time it's just believing that !!
And regularly check in at Susan's Place, you'll find the love of a mother, the guidance of a farther and the understanding and support of a whole convention centre of psychologists..... LOL
PS I just read the rest of the posts should have done that before posting myself...Bonna Fortuna
Thank you.
I have a hang up about not doing something ( had a great plan) when I was really young. I realize it was not ment to be. My family and elementaty school ( 1st grade) would not have been " receptive" and the plan I had would have left them no choice about a transition for me. The standards of care and restrictions on SRS were very much diferent. When I was young I was very indescriment about sex and who with. I would not have made it through college without HIV let alone high school. So I guess it was not ment to be.
I have been completely faithful to my wife and prior to her I was celibate for 6 years. I have a wondeful child and wife, great job ( at least till HRT makes transition at work inevitable, than who knows), our health and my becoming me. I hope the change will be awesome for us and welcomed. However, I think it will have its challenges. My wife will need to decide if she loves the internal me or the external me. My coping mechanisms to keep my inner female sex in a box ( to be let out 10 minutes a night) is gone for good.
I have to admit I am putting the horse in front of the cart. I ordered AA and E to be here in 9 days. I could not wait till the end of May. I informend the Therapist ( she had reservations and expressed why). The Mazzoni center already hads my bloodwork and I had to cancel my appointment last week and it takes 2 months to get a new appointment. I will inform them what I am doing and the dosages ( same AA and E and amounts they were going to write scripts for). There is an electronic medical chart and I will have them update the chart. I can not wait, it is the same dose and product and I will inform them. I am having a very difficullt time with head aches and disphoria. Cancelling the last appointment was a serious issue with me and I rally need to start HRT to stop the issuse.
Wife found Propecia and Cialis in the drawer and got very upset asking why I hid this from her and what else I was hiding. She said Propecia was for MTF for transitioning, read it on the internet. I was at work and remained calm on the phone. She asked that I get Cialis a while back and I told her I just did it for her and that I took one pill the last time we had sex. She said she felt there was no differance. She asked if it came from our doctor and I said it came from a doctor at 809 Locust Street in Phila. She said is that from your Gay place in a demenaing hurtful way. I said yes and that I switched doctors. I told her the Propecia was for hair and not transitioning. i asked her to read what its primary purpose is in the article she was reading and she responded for hair. I said did you see the Rogain too and she said yes and I said it is for hair too.
She asked why I hid these things nd I said the last time I shared she had a melt down and I did not share from that point on. I said I need to express myself and I need to know the bounds of her comfort. She wants me to tell her what I want to do and she would tell me her comfort. She said you said you did not want to wear a dress and I said I do not want to wear a dress ( not my style, least not now).
Home and not stressful, odd. Therapist Monday evening and I need to review with HR next week too. Head hurts but no feelng of the issues now. Earlier today I was week, cold and head and stomach hurt. Felt like I wanted to throw up my brain.
Reading "Walking the Tiger" and yes I identify with the trauma I am experiancing. I deal with stressful issues and trans issues that are high stress and conflicted with my sence of self identity with holding back and stopping ( stopping feeling). I know i need to learn how to allow an action to happen to release the energy. How I need to figure out.
It is a good book for folks in our shoes.
I can't believe that she went off like that over hair loss pills and boner pills! LOL
::)
Talk about going off half cocked!
Went to the therapist today. As usual I did not sleep much last night. I have had a splitting headach all day. She liked my mind map ( trans mind map) and she will be forwarding a recommened book and events to view at the Phila Trans Conderance 6/13-15/2013.
I am a bit upset with myself ( we went over this in therapy) for continually being stuck in a non-committal destructive loop ( got this realization from the book "Walking the Tiger", thanks Cynthialee). I ordered some AA and E on-line ( will dislose to my Healtch Care Provider if I take it earlier than my HRT appointment). I was in an absolute panic, will my wife sign for the package, will a slip be placed in the mail box and my wife ask about it or will I get the mail? I back into what I want, do not commit, weigh positives and negatives and feel helpless about the results. Yes, I repeat this cycle over and over. The absolute dread, fright and sick feelings will stop when I realize and commit to what I want. Committing is a very difficule thing. People will know where I stand and be able to criticize my stand.
I see trans woman at the LGBTQ center and I think they are the strongest people on earth. Learning to commit and stand for something about me is my next issue to resolve, discussing HRT with my wife. Any convesation starters would be most welcome.
I tend to open with:
QuoteHi. I am Cynthia what's your name?
(oh and it is Waking the Tiger...not Walking the Tiger but what is one letter between friends?)
;)
Cynthia, Relax & Chill. It will be OK. No need to work yourself into a problem. Get a good nights sleep, eat right, just move slow & logical with the problem for the right solutions.
Thanks and hugs;
I will let her ( wife) know I am going to the trans conferance June 13-15 and invite her.
I need some way to let her know I will be on HRT soon. I need some advice and how to open the subject to her. I sneek and back into things and then feel sick in the feelings of getting caught. I need to stand up for me and not slither in the grass.
I will be patient but there are feelings inside driving me to HRT and they are gaining in strength. Maybe it is all in my head.
Yes, Waking the Tiger. The kitties look so cute on the cover. I have a tiger tattoo on my stomach, side and partly on my back ( large). I kid you not, this beast gives me strength in times ot trouble. I picture him ( male tiger, had his gonads removed) when there is nothing else I can do but go forward.
Had a meeting today with my boss, normal monthly. At the meeting end we were talking about stuff. He looked me straight in the face and asked 3 times, is there something bothering you? Do you want to tell me something? I meet with HR Friday. She knows what it is about. She was told " someone will be contacting you about being Trans". Perhaps I am just hyper sensative about everything.
Why is it i am starting to feel special while I feel others will see me as flawed?
how fiting that you would have a tiger tattoo!
:D
Not being hypersensitive. Your boss knows it is you. Which is actually a good sign that you must be throwing out girly vibes.
As for the wife...I got nothing sorry. My situation and yours are so very differant in this area. My spouse is also trans and knew I was trans before we married. Ze just didn't expet me to transition until I hit my 50's...Surprise!!!
Thaking to HR tomorrow. Therapist has me hitting the following points:
- inform them if I change my name or dress I will inflorm them with plenty of notice.
- This is a medical condition. So, since we are self insured and if there is any discussion about HRT or Therapist reimbursement then the employee discussions are to be stopped.
I want to develope "agency" ( as the therapist put it) and get the HR persons perspective. I like and admire her and think she as a alli would be fantastic. I also think being trans is fine and natural ( now that I accept myself) and misjudge how others feel and react. So, it will be interesting.
I hope to be able to sleep well finally tomorrow night!
A little concerned here. I was to meet with HR at 2:00 today. At 1:53 got an e-mail she could not meet, schedule got switched around and she would call at 2:00. She called at 2:00 and she said do you want to discuss this over the phone. I stammered and said no can we reshcedule. I reshceduled for Tuesday.
I was so upset. This was big for me and I just keep being pushed back no matter how hard I try. I feel like absolute >-bleeped-< and my hyper-sensativity is on over drive. Why would my boss ask if there was anything I wanted to tell him 3 times this week after our monthly meeting? Why did HR cancel a meeting 7 minutes before it is to start and then ask if I wanted to go over the phone ( she has a heads up a trans is going to go to her). OK, I just feel like they are planning something prior to disclosure.
Do they understand what it is like to schedule a meeting 2 weeks in advance and then cancel with 7 minutes to go! 1 month 2 days till my rescheduled HRT appointment ( 4 months is just insane), the mail order is over due and I feel at nerves ends. Headach like no other, and I am in a very bad mood. I am lucky anger is flowing in my vains and not dispaire.
Why do I place so much energy in what others know and think about me. I do not want to hide or go numb again. I will be true to myself - this time! It is just taking so much time and energy, it is exhausting.
Rant off,
I am not a Christian but the sentiment works regardless of faith I think:
Quote from: Serenity PrayerGod, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.
I had the meeting with HR this afternoon and it went extreamly well. She is going to get me specific information about therapy reimbursement and more information work has but is not public about. They are supportive and there is another person transitioning in another department. She wanted to get more info for me. I went into some personal information but not too deep. I did not want to overload her and have a negative reaction. She said it makes total sence several times and it explains a lot. I told her I have no filters on race or sex, had a relationship with a guy in high school and was called gay and fag often in public, parents thought I was gay, was hit on by guys in college, put myself in a box at 22 and why, had no interaction from 22 to 28 and more. I hope it was not too much. When she was leaving I could see she was holding back tears and her eyes were red.
I give eye contact a 50%, could not coninue talking on a line of thought only one time. I tried 4 times to continue buy finally just said I can's say the words. I was dry mouth, had a pounding head ach and had to keep my hands from being way overly used when talking ( done when really nervious). Overall I guess a grade of 70.
At home now and the disphoria is a 7 out of 10 and my head is pounding, my stomach periodically shivers and I think it is a good thing. I am freezing, bundled up but it is 72 degrees However, I feel really good and a bit excited about transitioning at work. Now my head will be wondering about the real possibility of transitioning at work.
We also joked about how it was HR's fault because they have a lot of diversity classes and my boss is part of a diversity program ( sponsor). We also joked about how now they have instant diversity in the department.
I just hope I did not start the firing clock.
;D
YAY!!!
You can be a woman at work!!!! YAY!!!
Don't look at the negatives. Look at the positives. Yes, someone might give HR a reason to terminate them because they are a bigot. But that is not on you. You have a right to work and to be left alone to your own life.
Your work has diversity programs in place and they have anouther TS on staff in transition. This could not have gone better for you hun! Do your job. Do not get pulled into any conflict. Document any and all issues that arise. keep a log.
You do your job and mind your p's and q's and things will go swimingly.
Hi Cynthia,
I am a gay man with a wonderful boyfriend who has just started on his transition to female. It is a long road to walk but I believe if that's what you want then that's what you should have. Easy said yes but we are taking it a step at a time although after 4 months my baby is now on HRT. Some close friends and some of my family know and all were great about it.
It took me many years to come out to my wife as a gay man and we still lived in the same house for years after.
I hope you have the strength to talk to your wife and daughter and I really hope it goes well for you. As previously said you are not alone here and I hope you get the help support and encouragement you truly deserve. Good luck x
Cleopatra:
Are you ok with having a wife again? IMHO (which is worth about what you paid for it) there is a good chance you are bisexual/pansexual and not gay. You married a woman and it turns out the man you love is actualy a woman. So inspite of your prefered sexuality you seem drawn to females. Anyways, the reason I bring that up is pretty simple. If you are truely gay then there will be some serious things you two will have to negotiate. Sex. Relationship status. Public face put forward.
If you are bisexual then there is a better chance of the relationship suriviving. Only asexuals function well in a sexless relationship.
Thanks for the replies, hugs.
Spoke with the therapist today and we went over the next step with my wife. 1) invite her to attend the Philadelphia Trans Health Conferance with me, 2) explaine to her my disphoria and the pain I am in and that it is getting worse, 3) talk to her about what will help ease the pain.
Spoke to Therapist about how:
I am wishie washie and do not take a stand about self,
Coming out to Boss,
What venues to see at the PTHC,
Got confused and almost walked into the womans room and got confused ( had pictogram and not words) and kept looking at both pictograms,
wanting to go to the gayborhood this weekend with wife and daughter and see the craft show,
Philadelphia passing an ordanance to mandate HRT and SRS on all health plans and gender neutral third bathroom in new buildings and retrofitting municipal bathrooms,
How wife and I had sex last,
How wife took trans book to read and that i need to follow-up,
Invoice so I can subit for reimbursement,
How my head hurt, guts quivered and legs shivered.
All this in an hour!
wow!
that was one seriously busy hour!!!
his was a tough week. I came out to HR at work ( great experiance) and went to the therapist ( worst disphoria this week and not letting up). I keep thinking of how I am going to explaine my physical and emotional pain to my wife and that it is a lot to handle. i find tears in my eyes when in bed and driving. I fight back emotion when at home and about.
I think about transition, how I will look, the looks and comments I will get and how I really want to be free.
I think of 6 horses running, each one a different color symbolizing differnet choices I can make. Full dose, low dose, very low dose, hide (no dose) , secret dose, then there is always an ever present black horse, beautiful and shiney and can run very fast and stop all the pain.
I need to have the HRT painful discussion with my wife. I want to try full dose for 3 months and then review the choices again. I want to lose another 25 pounds in that 3 months and really start to have some time in the community ( TG).
I am a Wishie Washie, non-committal and do not make waves type person. I hate it. I hate turmoil. I just want it to end. I am not thinking of doing something stupit but the thoughts of an easy way out is always present.
I want to be me. Not making headway and going around in circles is exhausting and draging me down. I need to find some guts.
If you have any plans on loosing weight do it pre HRT!
Once you start to take estrogene and surpress the testosterone you will find it alot more difficult to lose weight. I also suggest facial hair removal now while you have a higher pain tolerance due to testosterone. When I started my hair removal I was pre HRT and once I went on HRT let me tell you there was a serious differance in pain tolerance. Wish I had done the majority of it pre hrt...
There are a number of things you can do beore HRT to start your transition. HRT is just one component of a transition. You can secretly do beard removal, voice work, dieting and body sculpting via work outs, learning make up and fashion basics. The list is pretty long actually when you think on it.
So don't think that you can't start the work now. You can. And most of the stuff you can do now, you can do on your own time and not raise red flags.
hugz,
Cynthia Lee
Thank you, hugs.
I was thinking of laser. I will go for it!
Weight, yes I am a BMI of 19 Male and going for 15 male and then I need to find out what female BMT would be?
I will start voice ( 2 hours a day while in transit to and from work). I have some tapes but voice is tough.
you can sound female regardless of your actual pitch
Inflection, vocabulary, body language/deportment are more important. Ever hear late actress Bea Arthur? She was deeper in resonance than most men but she never sounded male.
Do not get caught in the trap of a silly falseto. Taking it up a half a notch is ok and easily done. But some girls ... yeah it doesn't sound so good.
One key I was taught was to change the inside head voice to a female one. Chances are that your inside head voice sounds just like what your voice sounds like to you at its' present state.
If you alter the inner voice to a female voice then your outside voice will eventually catch up with some work.
Thank you cynthialee for your comments. I am definitely a gay man and have only ever had a relationship with one woman who is the mother of my two children. However I was a late out and have had several gay relationships since. My love for my boyfriend is very real and we are dealing with his transition. I do believe that it is difficult to put any person or relationships into a box and everyone is different. We have a pretty clear understanding of status between us and have a great sex life which changes and will continue to change as she transitions. It will be an interesting journey and will be posted as we go. Good luck to everyone in similar circumstances.
I have a voice program and frequency tuner on order. I am listening to and practicing voice on the way to/from work. I will do better when the frequency tuner arrives. i am using a digital recorder for feedback at present.
Laser, I will inquire at Mazzoni when I am there later this month.
Community, I will make a commitment to go to a group session by the end of the month. Mazzoni has a group session at 7 pm on thurdsays.
HRT later this month. I need to have a conversation with my significan other by the end of the month.
Boss, I am hypersensative, has said to me several times "it seams like you want to tell me something ( 3 times)" and I am not hiding anything from you and I have nothing to hide from you). These have occured on 3 differnet meetings. I place the name of my Therapist on my digital calindar, his secretary has access to my calendar direct and can see the name. The name is also the same as a person who was terminated. Perhaps he thinks I am meeting with this female ( last thing I would do). Anyhow, I think he would be supportive, leads a Diversity group ( leadership advisor). Also, HR is having a big diversity meeting ( there is a person transitioning now and me to follow soon). I think the coverage of SRS will be covered by our health insurance. HR has been notified I am trans* and I will let them know when I start HRT, name and dress alterations with plenty of time in advance.
Question, do I come out to my boss? Do I do this prior to my evaluation? He makes me set some challenging personal goals and it may make for some interesting and thought provoking challenges like perform a power point presentation about Trans*, the experiace and journey. The presentation would be on stage in front of the department and with invited leadership. HUUUUMMM, talk about facing your fears. If I do nothing more in life I want people to know I a trans. I hid all my life and made myself feel like dirt. Although, I am not proud of being trans I am not defective or broken either. I am just fine ( although disphoric as hell, feel sick and afrade of my own shadow).
I am very grateful to you for sharing your experiences. There are many of us in your position and we are inspired by your example. You have courage and you will come out of this very happy. Wishing you all the best. Lots of love.
Quote from: Karen on May 07, 2013, 09:15:08 PM
I am very grateful to you for sharing your experiences. There are many of us in your position and we are inspired by your example. You have courage and you will come out of this very happy. Wishing you all the best. Lots of love.
This bears repeating.
Cynthia, you being open and semi public about your transition is helping other women. This quoted post is the proof.
;D
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on May 07, 2013, 08:26:43 PM
Question, do I come out to my boss? Do I do this prior to my evaluation? He makes me set some challenging personal goals and it may make for some interesting and thought provoking challenges like perform a power point presentation about Trans*, the experiace and journey. The presentation would be on stage in front of the department and with invited leadership. HUUUUMMM, talk about facing your fears. If I do nothing more in life I want people to know I a trans. I hid all my life and made myself feel like dirt. Although, I am not proud of being trans I am not defective or broken either. I am just fine ( although disphoric as hell, feel sick and afrade of my own shadow).
Quite new here, I have only just come across this thread. I didn't read everything, just the first page and the last, including the part where you discussed coming out with your HR Manager at work. Given her supportive reaction, don't you think she might be a good person to give you guidance on what the best approach might be regarding the question you ask above?
Just for your information, I am a similar age to you, an engineer by training and also a late transitioner but I guess you have already noticed that there are a lot of us in a similar position to you. Anyway, having first transtioned in my private life (100%% complete with everyone who counts) I am now trying to do the same thing at work. Like you I started with the H.R. manager, a woman I get on with very well and we had a very open and warm discussion. Since I am new to my present position we finished the discussion with an agreement that it would be best to keep it between us until I have really settled into the business. However, the following day, she came back to me and said she had changed her mind, that she finally thought I should also tell the boss as there was a real risk that he would feel betrayed if he were to be informed later or, even worse, find out through a third party. I think she also felt it was too big a secret for her to carry alone...
I had spoken to her on a Friday and she got back to me on Saturday. As it a happens I had a meeting scheduled with my boss on the Monday, including lunch together. Since deep down I agreed with her that not telling him was probably as risky as telling him, I decided to bite the bullet. I was pretty stressed out until that lunch on the Monday but at the end of the day, it went very well.
He was intially a bit annoyed that I hadn't told him before he hired me (I have quite a high visibility position in the company) but when I asked him if I would have gotten the position if I had, he acknowledged that he understood where I was coming from and thanking me for trusting him with such personal information. At the end of the day the conclusion was the same as with the HR manager, it was too early to try to transition on the job and we would revisit the subject in the Autumn. As an engineering business, it is also a very male environment which complicates things a bit.
Today the wait is frustrating, very frustrating as I live female fulltime in my private life and there is also an obvious risk that I will be outed by accident. However, just getting the subject out in the open has already been very good for me and there are definite practical benefits. In particular I can get away with a very atypical presentation for someone in my position, including long hair worn in ponytail, androgynous, if not to say ambiguous, dress when not interfacing with external parties and a generally very feminine appearance. (Apart from long hair, HRT since 2008, FFS already done too and beard removal close to complete...)
Hope that helps you with your own thinking on the subject.
Bises depuis l'Alsace.
Donna
P.S. I think we can all be proud of assuming our trans identity. I'm still not sure if we do it out of courage or desperation and am always embarrassed when someone says it's very courageous (I strongly suspect it's just a polite way of saying they think I'm nuts... :)) but beyond that being trans gives us very unique perspectives on lots of things, with the potential to live an incredibly rich life.
Thank you, Hugs.
About Trans* pride - I am at zero right now. It sounds bad but I am coming from a minus 100:
- I told 8 people I am Trans and all the details.
- I walked into the Mazzoni center,
- i walked into the William Way center,
- I am on target for HRT,
- I am in therapy dealing with being me,
- I am growing my hair,
- I shine my finger nails, shave some hair and wear panties,
-I read 3 trans and 1 trauma books recently,
- I will start voice (just started) and laser,
-I have a simple goal, I want to come out, begin hrt and keep an open mind about future presenting.
I am very proud of my accoumplishments and how it feels. When I experiance me more and fully then I am sure I will be proud but now i am very scared. I too am gaining appreciation im my ability to see others in a different ways, how they communicate and interact.
I will talk to my therapist tomorrow and if green lighted then contact HR and see what she thinks about coming out to my boss. I need to end the torment. I too think he would be hurt if I did not come out to him and I was outed. I really do like him and I think he will be an alli ( see, how many people really like their boss? I hate keeping the secret from him). Oh those damn butterflies in my tummy.
I truely appreciate and admire the women here. I just do not know how you get the strength to be you. I hope to look back, some day, and know the answer.
I work with a female engineer and female EIT and they are fantastic. I enjoy working with them and interacting with them. About 80% of the people where I work are women and they are role models for me, I am lucky. When I go open at work I will disclose here too.
Quote from: Cynthia M.here. I just do not know how you get the strength to be you. I hope to look back, some day, and know the answer.
funny...it looks like you already have that strength and just don't see it yet:
Quote from: Cynthia M.I told 8 people I am Trans and all the details.
- I walked into the Mazzoni center,
- i walked into the William Way center,
- I am on target for HRT,
- I am in therapy dealing with being me,
- I am growing my hair,
- I shine my finger nails, shave some hair and wear panties,
-I read 3 trans and 1 trauma books recently,
- I will start voice (just started) and laser,
-I have a simple goal, I want to come out, begin hrt and keep an open mind about future presenting.
I am very proud of my accoumplishments and how it feels.
;D
I forgot to add, it is cliché but it is true:
a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step
And to be honest, once you get going one step is about the same as another in the long run. Eventually you will be transitioned, looking back and wondering, when the last time someone called you by your old name or 'sir'.
The journey is not the destination, but the journey is as important as the destination. Do not forget to stop along the way and smell the flowers so to speak. Really understand the male privilege you will surrender and see how male privilege effects women everywhere( and you) going into your life as a woman.
There is so much more to transition than changing wardrobe, genitals and hormones.
Quote from: cynthialee on May 08, 2013, 08:44:30 PM
I forgot to add, it is cliché but it is true:
a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step
And to be honest, once you get going one step is about the same as another in the long run. Eventually you will be transitioned, looking back and wondering, when the last time someone called you by your old name or 'sir'.
The journey is not the destination, but the journey is as important as the destination. Do not forget to stop along the way and smell the flowers so to speak. Really understand the male privilege you will surrender and see how male privilege effects women everywhere( and you) going into your life as a woman.
There is so much more to transition than changing wardrobe, genitals and hormones.
Hi Cynthia
I couldn't agree more particularly regarding the last point "really understand the male privilege you wil surrender...." In my previous post, I mentioned how being trans and going through a transition gives us a unique perspective on lots of things. One of the more obvious ones is finally understanding how women are treated by society. For example, I'm too tall to feel physically intimidated by most guys but overall, living as a woman, I definitely feel more vulnerable than before and am a lot more careful now about the places I go to.
At a far more subtle level, one of the things that has amazed me most is what happens in a group context. My friends, both male and female, have been really supportive about my transition,and I continue to see them all regularly presenting and going out publicly with them as a woman. In France, dinners with friends are central to social life, both in people's homes and outside. Apart from eating and drinking, at the table we will chat, debate, argue about stuff for hours....What I have noticed since changing is that in such a context, the guys around the table pretty well monopolize the discussion with far less contribution from the ladies unless they all get together at one end of the table and talk among themselves. I had really never noticed how flagrant this is until I was on the receiving end.
Among my more comical recent experiences in this regards was a lunch in a restaurant with my best friends of almost 35 years, my 24 year old son and my wife, two guys versus three ladies. My friend, who is a few years younger than me got into a conversation across the table with my son about the potential of cloud computing and the two of them pretty well prevented anyone else get a word in. The situation was all the more comical as I am personally working on the implementation of a cloud computing project for the company I am working for but neither of them was really interested in that. I am definitely interpreting here but I really think that, unconsciously, neither of them considered for a second that I, or any of the other ladies around the table might have anything interesting to say about the subject, or any other subject for that matter...
That particular incident really hit me and when I thought about it afterwards it also came to my mind that I really didn't care and that this has also been one of the bigger changes in my own positioning. I don't know if it is one of the Knock-on effects of HRT or my own assimilation of what I believe to be typical female behaviour but at the end of the day, I am far more happy in these sort of situations to sit back and let the others do the talking only getting directly involved if I really have something important to say. For people who have known me a long time, that it a huge change.
It does make me wonder what will happen at work when I join the "females" though, especially as we are a tiny minority of the staff. Will I still be taken as seriously as I am now or, unconsciously, will my mostly male colleagues react like my best friend and my son??
I don't lose sleep thinking about this as I am still far happier in my present persona than before but it has been an eye-opener.
Bises
Donna
Male privilidge and the gender, identity power triangle are important concepts in Kate Bronsteins book "My Gender Workbook". Where I work the tides are turned in all departments except two. I happen to work in one of the two male dominated departments. Our department leadership is all male ( or so they think) leadership. Now it not only is 25% female but it is a T-Girl. I am quiet in meetings but speak when apprporiate. I will lose some respect and power in that group. The department, well, I will take a big hit there too. I love what I do, where I work and the people I work with; yet I need to free myself from the hiding and be me. I really dislike the false me.
Went to the therapist today and we discussed and rehursed talking with my wife about HRT. This is a biggie and on my mind a lot. I need more work on the topics but there is a plan.
Reviewed the reasons and rehursed coming out with the Boss. She did not endorse the initial reason for disclosing and I then came clean. My boss scares the hell out of me. He can control and fire me. I seek his approval and seek his friendship and would be hurt if he rejected me being Trans. I think he will welcome me but this is a big risk. He may not be able to keep the secret from his boss the president. I would be ok if the presiden knew too. The therapist said it was opposite to what all the t girls do. I said I do not want to hide anymore and I need the bosses welcoming ( I think he will be a strong alli) in order to feel safe and if he rejects and fires me( little chance) then I will know. He may hide his dislike and pretend to understand ( binaies do not understand without knowledge) and smile like nothing has happened ( start looking for another job). I will ask my HR alli her opinion tomorrow.
There was a T girl art show it the William Way LGBT center today. 20 or so paintings of clients by a Trans artest. There is a computer there with their stories by the persons painted telling their stories. Three paintings evoked real feelings, all are of people in transition. Their eyes remind me of my eyes, sadness, a very deap sadness. One painting was topless and showed breasts growing and made me reflect and feel. I think of these paintings over and over. The Therapist asked if I wanted to be painted when in transition. I just looked at her with my blank expression and thought of the eyes. I did not respond nor feel.
The HR Alli referanced me to a Senior Benifits Analyst who explained our benifits with referance to Transitioning. She was fantasitc, an Alli and knows a bit about being trans. There are 13 disclosed trans, 2 in transition and 1 soon to be where I work. I disclosed to HR 5/28 will be my physical transition HRT start date :) . We reviewed disclosure to my boss with HR and she agrees it would be good.
Volunteered to be part of a HR benefits study ( we study everything at work).
Reviewed HRT with my wife, the reason why and the benfits and 0-6 months physical and mental effects. She does not want it to happen but understands the reasons and wants the mental and emotional benefits and does not want me to be in pain. :)
What a week. I went to super head achs, close to vomiting and not eating lunch many times to a sense of is this real, pinch myself to make sure it is not a dream.
;D
When 20 my parents thought I was gay. I wore designer jeans, had longer hair, wore fitted shirts, was very very thin, contoured my eye brows, wore panti hose under my jeans with shaved legs, guys hit on me at college and my parents on three occasions said they loved me no matter what. It was there way, I guess, of saying be myself.
The 5 people I came out to, other than health care and therapist, are supportive.
My wife does not want the HRT but understands and wants me to not be in pian. She just asked to be informed when I start.
I have been called fag, homo, queer and more when in college. When in the student activity center I was even referanced and accused as the reason there is aids, by 4 persons. I was so shamed I then changed my life and hid the then awakening me.
Last night I realized it was me who was holding me back my whole life. It was me being afrade. It was me not wanting to be different. It was me causing all the pain inside. It is my fault. Society is not to blame ( although, they are bigoted and hurtful for the most part) for me not being myself. I am responsible for myself.
I promise to myself; I will be me and I will let those in my life know who I am.
that was epicly awesomer
Went to the therapist today and let her know my wife and i discussed HRT and she wants me to not be in pain and just wants to know when I start. Also, that she would prefer i did not but undertands that I do. Also, yesterday, my wife asked if when on HRT would I not want to go to Home Depot and instead shop with her and did I want a purse and showed me a pic of a super fine butt and asked if I wanted that (on me). Also asked if I would want to be with guys. I reassured her I love her, would always go to Home Depot amd I am happily married to her.
Practiced coming out to the boss and set a deadline.
Doing team building getting peticures during lunch Monday with 2 female and 1 male team members. Butterflies abound.
My headaches are somewhat less and sleeping somewhat better. I really want to start transition with open arms and no reservations, full dose.
Prior to transition I did not have the patience for shopping. Now I don't mind it so much. Probably has something to do with me always having to walk by the things I wanted to purchase in the past. Now I just buy what I want and don't worry about the world.
Came out to the boss. He was very supportive and a alli.
His concerns are to remain effective, remain employed, coming out well to the Department ( in a year) and he asked how the men would take it ( I have an all male staff). I said they will be fine and that I have very thick skin and have been called homo, fag and queer in the past and I can deal with it. So the guys at work will be a walk in the park.
He asked what it is like ( Universal question) to be trans. I shared with him a bit of what god has given to me.
He asked that if he makes mistakes to not be offended. I said I would not.
We talked for 45 minutes.
Funny thing, as we were walking to have the talk we came face to face with the HR alli, there were some looks like are you going to have the talk? I e-mailed her after to let her know and that he will be contacting her.
A lot of things going in the right direction.
PS. I want to buy cloths so much it is not funny but I want to measure out the information to my SO.
SPIFFY!!!
Went to the therapist today and reviewed the details of letting the boss know. Lent the boss 3 books to review, Whipping Girl, She is not There and My Gender Workbook.
HRT in 5 days, reviewed feelings and excitement.
Went over passing; I would have a difficult time. Instead, have an open mind , experience the change and be who I want. Went over the Trans* art gallery and how it impacts me.
I am soooooo looking forward to HRT. I have a meeting with my Boss that day and I am sure it will come up. I will reassure him in a year, if I am still on hormones then we can review if I will come out.
I was pretty sure I would never pass. Nowadays it is a rare occurrence to hear 'sir'.
Transition is powerful stuff.
I went to the Mazzoni center this afternoon and I have the Spiro and Estrogen, full dose. The dutasteride is on hold until tomorrow pending DR conformation.
Meet with the Boss today and we had a chat, a little more about Trans* and the spectrum and HRT and confirmed that I am starting today. Also, it would be a year till I came out if I stay the coarse and not increase, decrease or stop. I explained who and why I disclosed to those I did and the importance.
Started HRT!! yay
:icon_hug:
It has been a bit of a wild ride hasn't it?
;)
Congrats on getting your HRT. Big step to be sure.
Thank you for your help! I really appreciate the support.
Yes, a wild ride so far. I was a mess late November and December. I was at zero with lots of pain. I have a real milestone, an accomplishment and something to be proud about. I met my fears, survived and from the ashes creating something new. What, when and who are yet to be made. I have been true to myself at last. I feel really good about doing what I felt needed to be done for so long.
I have a feeling the big girl ride is about to start.
What a wonderful way to start my day.
You should go back and read your old stuff and compare it to your newer posts.
There is a world of difference. Obviously transition is a good idea for you.
If you ever are in Spokane WA let me know. The first round of coffee is on me.
It may take a few years but I will most likely get to Washington State and I will make it a point to meet.
Went to the therapist today and reviewed HRT and celebrating the milestone. We looked over the past and reviewed the immediate future. I need to inform the SO I started HRT ( tonight). Reviewed working on connecting to my feelings and emotions. We went over stopping to feel and connect with what the feeling is telling me. Feelings and emotions and connecting them to me is going to be hard work. Went over family ties ( very few) and when to disclose. They are, lets say, anti Queer. So, I will lose my brother and brother-in-law and distance my sister. Well, perhaps knowing a T-girl will give them a real example and not some television false representation. If I do not fit into their life then it will be they who turn away.
Got rejected for dutasteride (sp) by insurance and paid out of pocket. Good news is I have it now and internet here I come. I have the script, dose and under physician care for it.
Can not wait for some chest sensations. Tummy has been in butterflies for 24 hours. So much excitement! I am really proud and thankful for the outcome from the last 6 months.
Tomorrow will be what I make it; it feels so good.
Your family might surprise you or they might not.
Mine did. I expected a mass negative reaction and I got acceptance. Even from my cousin the Elder Jehovah Witness.
Went to the therapist today and reviewed:
1st week on HRT and present feelings, anxiety is gone and how the fog is gone,
Trans Health Conference next week,
Shopping to be reviewed next week,
What to wear at the Trans Health conference,
How I see myself while having sex, inadequacies of how I presently am, how it affects my desire for sexual relations and how to realize those feelings when I suggest and have sex with my SO. Big issue.
Future physical changes,
if I alter the plan or terminate HRT,
Having moments of complete assurance and then apprehension about the future.
Getting a trans* sex link from her to see how trans girls have sex with others. I have mechanic questions due to my SO not wanting me to transition due to loss of sex.
nods...
every once and awhile my spouse and I have sex
I am almost 4 years into transition and 2 years post orchi and things still function if I want them too. Most sex is in the head.
Thank you, being able to maintain sexual relations with my wife is very important to our relationship.
Went to the therapist today and reviewed:
Philly Trans Health Conference ( she is teaching other health care providers and is full on all her presentations ),
Reviewed the time I can attend and how to make the most of it.
Went over the clothing buying and wearing topic. I knew this was coming and a big stressor. I agree that it is time to start to buy and wear cloths that reflect me when I am in therapy. This would be the 1st time wearing something in front of someone. We went over the buying phobia. I really want some things that reflect my style and view of myself. I know the look I am after.
Went over hormones and loss of anxiety and head aches (95% gone), a small amount more emotional ( not much more, I was a bit emotional pre HRT but I hide my emotions). The two biggest gains are loss of aggression and being happy. Talked about increasing doses is 2.5 months ( I am on a pretty standard dose now). I want injections next.
Reviewed my biggest fear, breasts. I want them but fear how others will view and treat me. I want a feminine body in total and I am apprehensive about getting there.
I hope I get some head hair back.
These are my fears, hopes and dreams.
Down to 195 pounds :).
Went to the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference today. I had planned to go Thursday and Friday by myself and if my wife wanted to go then go on Saturday with her or alone if she chose not to go.
Had to work Thursday and Friday, no choice in the matter. I am losing vacation time and I was not happy about this but it is ok because I still had Saturday. However, my wife has not read anything I gave her and is not willing to understand Identity and body incongruence.
Saturday,
we went to the 1st session at 8:45. It was about couples and staying together. She cried through it and when it was over requested to leave. I took her home. She apologized for ruining the day and said she knew how much this meant to me. I said, do not apologize for being yourself and that it is more important to experience the conference with her than with out her and I appreciated that she went with me.
I am disappointed is an understatement.
I can not express the opportunity loss I feel.
__________________________________________________
Rant
I am truly hurt by the ignorance and bigotry my wife expresses. When a person is on hormones, presents as female and sounds female, then when discussing the circumstances with me, refer to her as a woman not a man in a dress and don't tell me her his wife is not there because she must be crushed. "She was the only normal one there", give me a break. Can't you take a pill and be more man, she asked me.
Rant over
_________________________________________________
Funny thing, we were leaving and needed to go to the bathroom. There is a men's and ladies room directly across from each other. Both were marked gender neutral. There were everyone in each bathroom. My wife said go here it is gender neutral. It was the woman's bathroom. I walked in then walked out and into the men's bathroom then back to women's and then back to men's. I went in the men's, shorter lines. If someone was watching it must have been funny. I was so confused. The woman's room had long lines and I kept thinking hovering and pee on the seats.
:-\
Went to the therapist today and reviewed my experience at the Trans Conference and how I felt. It hurt to plan and want to go to the 3 day event and have it cut short to one seminar. I live my life making excuses for others who impose and walk over me. I am devastated with the opportunity loss. After my expressing my feelings she suggested a support group in Wayne PA.
She wants me to wear an article of clothing I like at the session ( wanted to buy some cloths at the PTHC). I need a plan B. I know go to a store and buy something.
Went over my wife's mis-gendeering and projecting of anger at me while talking about other trans at the PTHC.
Went over how hormones are magic pills for mood, brain fog, ability to think, make decisions and say what was normally repressed. It feels so good to be doing something.
Reviewed where I work they will be covering Trans surgeries to a limit with certain guidelines. There are 4 inquiring about trans transition benefits currently without current coverage.
Always have a plan b.
:)
It has been about a month on HRT. I was at the beach Saturday and the water was 64 degrees. It felt like someone was squeezing my gonads and putting knitting needles through my nipples. I was in the water for 30 minutes 2 times and was freezing cold. Both times I could not take it and had to get out.
I really looked at guys nipples and boob sizes. Dang there are some big man boobs on the beach; I never really looked before. I was paranoid about my nips, which are erect most times lately. They behaved well and I felt absolutely confident on the beach. I was so frightened someone would notice; just no need to fret.
I wonder how much longer I will be able to be no the beach and not be obvious on hrt. Just got refills of the scripts today; round two!
when you see how many men have gynocomastia, the fear of being discovered prematurely over boobs is almost a non issue
Went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) the beach and boobies,
2) going to a support group ( need to do that),
3) brother and sister and potentially telling them I am TG in transition, not a support opportunity,
Biggie
4) HRT has cleared my mind and provided great focus and I say things I never would have said. Having issues with sexual relations. I need foreplay but how do I broach the subject. I need to be caressed . I have not yet a tear nor a sniffle. I was hoping so much to feel and have emotions. I have an assignment to tell my wife my needs while intimate and feel her caress me and connect.
Repairing the damage my self induced coping made is tough work.
:icon_hug:
You really are handling these initial stages much better than I did. ;)
The background:
I have been on HRT for a month plus a few days. I feel wonderful with great effects such as greatly reduced dysphonia, greatly reduced anger, clear head, calm and happiness. I have had shrinkage, right testis is about 30% in size and vey soft, perhaps mushy. Left testis is 70% in size and getting soft. Erections are difficult to achieve.
The assignment:
This weeks therapy session I was tasked with telling my wife I needed stimulation in order to achieve an erection and then express what I needed.
Making love:
Last night was pretty bad. I was not ready and said I needed stimulation without good communication. She said direct my hand and I said get on top. In the past that always caused an erection. We started then she stopped when I could not get erect. She left the room crying and slept in the family room.
This Morning:
I asked it she wanted me to stop HRT and she said it was my choice and she did not want to express her thoughts and have later resentment. I said I could lower the AA dose after I contacted the Doctor and see if that helped. About stimulation, she said she stopped touching my chest because my nipples feel like a young girls nipples and she cannot touch them. I wanted to say I wanted my balls off me all my life and the nips are great.
I like not having erections and developing nipples and the sensations they provide. I love my wife and I want to please her and be there for her. She is the only person in the world I want to share my life with. I am not going to kill myself; but, those thoughts are present today (1st time since HRT started), although I am not dwelling in them. I am a sad but not crushed. I actually feel like I need to know the destination to the journey. I am sad and I am not. I feel bad and I feel good. This is so odd.
Emotions:
Not a tear. I want to have feelings that lead to intense emotions but I am just steady.
Any comments would be welcomed. What do you recommend? What do you sense?
:/
Have you considered that you are not a lesbian? Your wife does not seem to be a lesbian or even bisexual. If she were your emerging female secondary sexual characteristics would be exciting and a turn on. She is not comfortable touching those parts of your body that are becoming obviously female. You on the other hand are displaying a number of indicators for being a straight woman.
You are in a very unenviable situation, one that I can not completely connect with on an intimate level. I have not been in your shoes in this way. However this site is full of women who have been in your shoes. I suggest that you make a separate post in the MTF section of transgender talk. The women who will see your post there are more likely to be able to help on this topic.
Cynthia,
I want you to go back through your first 20 or so posts, then look at the last 20 and compare the woman in post one to the woman in the last post. You have come a long way, but there is still a very long journey ahead of you. However, I can promise that over 90% of women who have made this trek are happier at the end of the path than on that first step. It is worth it to become true to self. I can say that with all confidence in my life. I know a number of women who have literally lost everything on the road to completion and they all say to the very last one "it was worth it".
Thank you, Hugs.
You are extremely perceptive.
I did not want to think the thoughts or face the possibility of what you stated; however, I knew deep down inside it was love that attracted me to my wife, love of company, love of sharing, love of being with another person. Sexually, I fear you are correct, I was hoping I could be both. I seam to be shifting a bit more in the past month.
Not all of us are bisexual. It would solve allot of your troubles in this matter, but it is impossible to force this type of thing.
Luckily for me both my spouse and I are both bisexual, so when we transitioned there was not this complication.
As it stands you have no clue where you will fall on the sexuality spectrum for awhile anyways. Many girls have a complete shift in sexuality somewhere along the way. I myself had a bit of a shift. I have always been bisexual, but what I prefer has changed. Pre transition I preferred men sexually. Now I find that I prefer women...I am attracted to both sexes but if I had to choose the boy or the girl and they both were hot...I'd go with the woman. Men are ok, but I just can't see being in a meaningful relationship with one. (ok my spouse is androgyn so that makes hir allot male, especially with the testosterone...so I am in a relationship with an almost male.)
complicated when two spouses transition together...
:o
You have to be prepared to accept her leaving. The genie is out of the bottle. Even if you were to stop transition today and never speak on it again, she knows you are female. She has shared your bed. She shy's away from your female side. Your inner true self will always be there peeking out. In private moments your wife will see a woman; sitting in those quiet moments she will see you and it will ever effect how she reacts to you. How can something like this ever be swept under the rug and ignored?
I have a feeling you are going to be ok. You have taken to dealing with your inner traumas like a champion.
hugz
(I actually wonder if your wife is able to come around on the issue of sexuality... only because her objection was "a young girl's nipples" and not any of the usual reactions of disgust or dislike to touching female anatomy. I can easily understand someone being creeped out by specifically being reminded of a *child* during bedroom play. Maybe she'll have more fun once your breasts seem more "mature" to her? My sympathies; the in-between parts of the journey can be the hardest.)
Just spent the last couple of hours reading through this entire thread. To say that your transformation from your first post to now has been utterly amazing would be an understatement. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. I'm just starting on my journey as well, though I'm at a much earlier stage than you. Thank you for being so open about what you're going through. It really helps others of us who are going down similar paths to know that we are not alone, regardless of where those paths take us.
~Zoë
Thank you so much, you all have no idea how this helps ground the situation for me, Hugs.
I need to share a rather distressing item my wife shared with me yesterday. After we have sex, she has tears in her eyes. during sex she has to put out of her mind I am female, which distresses her. I think it is salvageable, I really do.
The physicians assistant recommended stopping spiro for a month and see the results. I am also on finasteride and estrodol. I feel great today. I mean fantastic physically. I was a bit dizzy and light headed, very tired, short of breath (drank a lot of water) and had some light chest pains( on occasion) on spiro. I stopped today and feel fantastic. I feel better now then I was at 18 ( without the erections :) ) . I wanted this to work so bad I was willing to compromise my health, stupid.
Spiro is yucky stuff. I was super happy when I was able to stop taking it.
and ZoëKäsatseng is very right btw, sharing your journey in this fashion is likely helping a number of folks in similar situations,
also; this stuff stays on the internet for ever, some girl 5 years from now will be scrolling through this thread and she will get a world of help from your experience
(waves to the future girls)
;)
Thank you all, hugs.
Went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) stopping spiro from 7/2 through 7/4 and then taking 1/2 dose since. Explained the erection issue and she said sex is 90% in the head and that the spiro should not have had that effect especially with Cialis. I will have sex this week and see what happens and then go full dose. We agreed the feeling dirty from my wife not wanting to touch my chest and saying she did not want to have sex with a girl is most likely the issues. I need to work on this with my wife.
2) explained I never really desired real men or women. I would get aroused when in proximity due to knowing a climax was in the works. I love the male and female body and desire the female form but I do not desire another. I love the closeness, feeling of skin and tenderness.
3) reviewed that I do not like being nude and my wife never has seen me nude. Hid piercing and tattoo's for many years with ease. Even that she know knows about the tattoos I have not shown her two on the legs ( most of the upper legs both sides front). She wants to explore next time the body image thing. AHHHHHH, I really do not want to go there.
4) reviewed nipple, bud and breast ( very minor in any) growth.
5) reviewed how I see my female self. Athletic wear, oh yeah.
6) feelings of confidence growing immensely. I was always timid and sheepish now I am definitely expressing and it feels really really really good. I do not know if it is HRT or taking long awaited action but I feel so good, so alive.
Had 6 phone calls from work during the session! Phone off next time.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 08, 2013, 08:56:44 PM
she said sex is 90% in the head
Sounds somewhat familiar...
hmmm..... so where have I heard this before?
;)
I will say it for education purposes and to dispel some myth:
I am post orchi over 2 years and into my 4th year of HRT and my male parts would function for penetrative sex if I was so inclined. When I am sexually excited things still stand at attention just like they used to. My T levels are at 10-25 ng/dl every time tested the last 4 years, which is really low. So the idea that it takes a high T level to attain or sustain erections seems to be a falsehood from my angle.
Thank you, Great big hug.
Yes, the 90% was very definitely and echo and I thought of your post when she said it.
;D
Went to the therapist today and reviewed:
1) Started back full spiro on 7/15.
2) Reviewed having sex 3 times in 3 days (ejaculated 1 time, faked it 1 time successfully and 2nd time not so convincing but was close). My butt cheeks hurt so much the third time I just 1/2 hearted faked it. The time I did ejaculate it was soooo intense it was unlike anything I have experience before.
3) Read Jihad and review the similarities of no self, locked away in a mental cage, no self expression and how it correlated with being trans.
4) Reviewed recent body changes, hair growth on head ( hair is getting long and I need a tiny trim), ultimate head hear length ( shoulders or a tad above), reviewed body hair, under arm hair fineness, slow growth between shaves and softness, skin softness, eye sight, no more dry eye, gain of 20 lbs.
5) Next Dr. appt. is the end of Aug. and reviewed anticipated questions ( injectable E and increased E and spiro).
6) Continued mental great feeling and how it keeps getting better.
7) Review trans porn sight ( homework I like) and how I felt and identified. What can I say, I dreamed of sex as one of the participants and it was fantastic. Asked if I reviewed anything other than the trans vids and I realized I had no interest on other and did not.
8 looked into the future 2.5 months and asked how would I go back to non hrt after what I am feeling and experiencing now. I need to think how I will look and present. Reviewed styles and body hair and telling my child at month 4 perhaps.
9) reviewed another guy complimented my hair and specifically the curls, felt good. She asked why 8 guys said something and I felt perhaps they think I look good but perhaps it is the unbelievable taboo I am doing and they like that.
10) A manager was kidding and said to another manager( knows I am trans) I have gay tendencies. I said yes I do and he looked at me.
Funny, I was just wondering about how you are doing.
Thank you for updating this post.
Sounds like you are well on your way and settling in just fine and dandy.
:icon_hug:
Went to the therapist today and she is getting tough on me:
-Making me use I,
-wants me to look her in the eyes when we speak to each other,
-Caught me in a projection, I do not want to hold XXXXX(wife) back, ( I feel I do not want XXX to hold me back),
-Does not like how I change the subject when things start to get deep, she kept me on the subject and I could feel the tears building. I was able to give a little more detail then change the subject. She disclose how "my change the subject" works, the words and looks and said I need to stop. She called me when I smile ( false smile to hide behind).
-reviewed some homophobia stuff that is happening to me at work. I meet it directly. Stuff like, I am going to take a collection for you. We will buy you an ass, no homo. Also, when did we start don't ask don't tell. Another guy walked uo from behind and when he was feeling my hair in the back he said, "what do you put gel in your hair". I think he is a mouth piece ( I liked it when he asked and it was in public).
- I called a a super
-She pushed me and pushed me until I let her know what I want:
I see thousands of women a day. I look at how they wear their hair. I want a pony tail. I want to be able to put my hair in a bun. I want to wear a nice fitted top and a skirt and show off my legs. I told her I wanted to be born a woman (holding back the tears so I injected directness). I want to be left alone ( did not tell her I want me to leave me alone, the dysphonia is gearing up). I want to be cis and not dwell on every aspect of the women I see. I told her I want to be left alone (I think she thought I meant her and she said that is enough and we ended).
I am not very happy tonight. Head is pounding and I ate a lot (cherries, at least healthy).
I may disclose past incest ( I was very young) and it happened a few times. I am the youngest of three and it was with the oldest. I never disclosed this before to anyone. I felt shame and buried it deep.
Funny thing happened with the scripts last night. I have new insurance cards so the Pharmacist called (female) and got the new card info. ( I order on line and pick up via dive through). Then the Pharmacist calls and says he is light on the spiro and do I have enough to pick up on Wed. Then he calls and says he has enough. Then he calls and says he miscounted because he does not have enough ( multiple pills each day). When I was done I do not feel embarrassed any more talking to pharmacists about the scripts.
you are in good company for the survivor of incest thing
We were not like other kids. Sexual predators pick up on that difference and vulnerability and we are victimized in larger numbers than the standard population.
I did a few informal surveys on this topic in another trans forum that focused on this topic.
More than 75% reported that they had been sexually victimized as a child. Over 50% reported that it was a family member.
I am sorry that you had to deal with such crap. You should discuss it with your therapist.
Thank you, hugs!
There is more about the incest and other things. I really need to talk to her about it. She wanted to talk about deeper issues, well, ok, but it is deep. It has molded some of the behaviors and feelings I exhibit every day. There is not a day that goes by I do not think about it. Not the acts in particular, the shame and feelings of someone is going to get me.
I did not know so many trans* were abused as children. We are just targets. When I went to gay clubs I knew there was a chance I would be put into a bad position and still went. I knew the areas were full of predators but I was in my early 20's and it was a known risk.
Thanks for understanding.
Went to the therapist today and discussed:
-Wife blowing up at me for a minor bit of attitude ( going to the bathroom and was asked what I was doing). She said I do no deserve her and She is too good for me. A few days later asked why, is it because I am trans? response, yes. Why? Because most women would have left you. Daughter walked into the room and the conversation ended. I went numb for a few minutes. The power in our relationship shifted and she is on top.
- Asked on an elevator by a person I did not see for 3 months if am losing weight (I am the same weight). I said maybe and then she said is it on purpose. I said no and she said I hope everything is ok.
- Wife wanted to see my posts on Susan's Place and I said no and closed out the sight. Daughter said I know why, Daddy is a lesbian (daughter does not know I am trans, just into shock).
- Reviewed incest incidents ( I was 6 and other person 12 or 13) and another incident at age 12 ( I only shared with the therapist and nowhere else ever again). This took most of the session and we ended 10 minutes early. I am glad someone knows but I am feeling sick to my stomach. This has been with me, every day, for a very long time.
Facing your issues and being honest is not a gift but necessary. I wish I could stop feeling dirty and ashamed and move on.
It was a beautiful day and the beach was full. I saw so many different styles, sizes and ages of women it was mind numbing. I found my body type goal and hair style goal. What will I look like next year? I know YMMV but I wonder. I had never believed I would be thinking of going to the beach in a two piece but maybe. Perhaps in a wet suite next spring.
I was able to take off my shirt and go into the water 3 hours or so. I am just getting minor tissue and my nipples are about the max "guy" size. In the water the nipple pain was like I was being pierced, the whole time. The water was about warm at 70 degrees f. Is this normal and does the pain ever go away?
The day was a completely wonderful yet the most different day on the beach yet :)
Yes, the boob pains eventually go away.
Then one day out of the blue they will be tender and sore. No rhyme or reason.
Welcome to another part of womanhood.
;)
Cynthia Michelle, I want to thank you for being so candid and descriptive in your journey. I can relate to so many of your earlier comments.
I am amazed at your courage and where you are. I hope that I can confront myself as you have. I am so afraid of everything at this point and my future looks very bleak. You are very inspirational to me, I haven't been able to cope with any of this I'm just a mess. I've been crying so much I never want to leave the house. Unlike you my wife has been very supportive, she continues to tell me to get counciling, I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here. I just wish this would all go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you
Quote from: Allie on August 08, 2013, 11:38:53 AM
Cynthia Michelle, I want to thank you for being so candid and descriptive in your journey. I can relate to so many of your earlier comments.
I am amazed at your courage and where you are. I hope that I can confront myself as you have. I am so afraid of everything at this point and my future looks very bleak. You are very inspirational to me, I haven't been able to cope with any of this I'm just a mess. I've been crying so much I never want to leave the house. Unlike you my wife has been very supportive, she continues to tell me to get counciling, I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here. I just wish this would all go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you
Hi Allie,
Mind if I butt into your post?
No?
Spiffy!
You are so sweet.
;)
Transition. I swear to you that it will get better. The noise in your head that is constantly demanding action be taken will quiet down and you will be able to think clearly again.
My spouse like yours encouraged me to face this head on and deal with it. That encouragement resulted in me not only surviving this hell, but I am thriving now.
I can not promise that your social relationships will survive your transition. But the culture is changing. I lost 1 friend and no family members. In fact once word started getting out that not only did I transition, but I was stable and mentally healthy my old friends and alienated family members started to drift back into my life. Seems that only one person was hung up on what gender I was. Which let me be honest, was a complete shock to me. I expected to have all of them shut me out. People can surprise you, you never know how they will react until they react.
Make an appointment with a therapist who is qualified to work with transgender clients. A visit to the psyrink is not a commitment. You do not suddenly become identifiable as a trans* person by seeing the doctor. (That comes later and typically lasts a short time.) ;)
As it is you are miserable. Could transition possibly be worse than this hell you are going through right now? Thousands and thousands of women have been exactly where you are. We intimately know what it is you are going through and not a one of us would wish it on an enemy. But there is hope. Over 90% of transitioned women are happier than they were in their previous lives. No other treatment for any other condition can boast a success rate like this.
And trust me, being a girl is more rewarding for a TS woman than being a man is for her. Being a man for a TS woman is like wearing some one else's shoes. Even if they are the right size and a style you enjoy, the fit will be wrong and off. There will be pain and it is best to get out of those shoes as they are not a healthy fit. (make sense?)
Please keep us posted.
Cynthia M,
See, your post has done good. I told you that sharing like this openly would help other girls.
;)
Quote from: cynthialee on August 08, 2013, 12:38:47 PM
Hi Allie,
Mind if I butt into your post?
No?
Absolutely butt into any of my posts whenever you want. The guidance and assuredness you bring is very comforting, it almost makes me forget.. only for a second tho ;). I realize it is a matter of choices and consequences at this point, only problem is it's not like painting the bedroom where you can recolor if you want, these are life-long committments :icon_help:.
I don't want to hijack Cynthia Michelle's thread with my issues
Allie, you are not hijacking the post. Please post here.
There are some fantastic people here who have experienced what you are experiencing and there is light on the path. I was a mess in December. I hid and put out of my mind the best I could. But eventually a lifetime of pain hit when I admitted I am TG. Therapy and then transition has been a gift that is changing my life. There are hurdles and pain but the rewards are 10 fold.
Therapy is tough. I have disclosed to my therapist my sole, thoughts, past, present, fears, feelings and in return she helpes me to address and go forward. Last week I dreaded 2 day prior and felt sick during therapy and had migraines for 2 days after, in the evenings. I now feel free and ready to plan for the next 2 months.
Hormones have been unbelievable for me. The fog, chest squeeze are gone and vision is a bit better. Physical changes are happening too :) . If hormones are not for you and you are not TG then it will be apparent. If you are then stopping is something that would be difficult. My dysphoria is manageable now. The hang up I had about hormones was completely wrong. I thought it would be something the happened quick and you had no control of and was a one way street. They are slow acting ( I love noticing little changes) and you can have the Doctor prescribe a lower dose ( I originally wanted low dose but am on a pretty standard dose, when the time came I asked for what I wanted and not what I feared). Hormones can be stopped (under Doctors care) if you decide it is not for you.
Thank you for the kind comments about the topic. The intent is to help others. I was so very close this time to ending it. There was no elaborate plan this time. I have a lot of insurance and increased it a lot in December. The opportunity to end the pain is there every day. However now the thoughts are mostly faint and dismissed quickly. The reason is I am starting to like myself and what I am and I have people to share my feeling with.
Cynthialee, you are right the post is helping others. Thank you for being there!
see Cyndi M doesn't mind...
:D
So there you have it, from two of us Cynthia's. Life gets better if you start to address the issues.
One of my big clues I was on the right path was that my insomnia cleared up in a week of starting HRT. 20 years of not sleeping well just cleared up in no time. I attribute this to the lessening of the stress of staying male. Then once I got my orchi and breast augmentation I have been pretty much as sane as I could imagine was possible. I don't think I have been balled up in the fetal position howling from psychic pain in a couple years now. :D
"Cynthias" I can feel the love in your posts. I truely appreciate you helping a stranger out, I mean you don't know me but you are so caring and compassionate.
Cynthia Michelle I am so glad that your December plan did not go as planned. It was/is your struggle that I adore. I know that however or wherever I end up, there is hope. So I called to make an appt. with a councilor and I left a message but she didn't get back with me, I will try again in the morning.
Cynthilee, I havent slept in a month about 3-4 hrs a night, it's really starting to take a toll on me. Hopefully I can get to see the councilor soon before I become a zombie.
keep trying to contact that therapist :)
I know that just talking about it with a professional and getting it off your chest can be very powerful mojo.
Quote from: cynthialee on August 08, 2013, 09:02:01 PM
keep trying to contact that therapist :)
I know that just talking about it with a professional and getting it off your chest can be very powerful mojo.
I am hoping, this is unsustainable. Once again no sleep.
Will keep you posted ladies
My first visit was an intake with a social worker at the Mazzoni Center. I dumped everything I had out. When I left I had a card for a Therapist who would interview me to see if I would be accepted for therapy. I felt like I was walking on air. I had parked on a roof top garage and the sun was setting and I just sat there watching the sun set with not a thought in my mind. I was calm and at piece for the first time in months.
I too slept very little, felt sick and had a constant head ach for months. Therapy and transition is the reason I am getting to a very nice place and where I am starting to like my true self.
Our narratives ( TG in general) are very similar. I have "the classic narrative". We are all very similar and need each other.We do care and you are part of the family now. We are extraordinary people and share many traits. Allie, get to a gender therapist and keep a log of your progress. I started by making a list of my past life, everything pertinent and when. After about 10 hours of typing I read the script beginning to end and there was no question in my mind. I am TG and I am a girl.
;D
That last post about how you watched the sunset I could totally see...
Went to the therapist today and we discussed:
Last weeks session specifically incest and another early childhood single event issue and how I felt when I disclosed and now. I still think of the two issues every day but now it is fading to the background. Children are sexual and I should not feel guilty and children get abused. The Therapist expressed these two issues are very common with TG. I feel so much better but still .....
I said I was ready to move on to my present and future. I said I had told her everything in my past and it is time to talk present and she asked me to repeat when I first felt like and expressed I am a girl. I told her it was at age 5. (more) I had put on my sisters cloths and makeup, walked up to my Mom and said see Mom I am like you. Mom freaked, dragged me into the bathroom and while sitting on the toilet lid holding me and scrubbing my face. She was yelling and I was hysterical. I said I was a girl and would do it again. She held me so tight and scrubbed to hurt and said next time she would used a brush and tell my Dad and he would beet me ( he would).
She then asked why do you find wearing women's cloths so hard. Click, I had it. It is my next goal, slow and in therapy. My face was so red and on fire, stomach quivering and I was chilled. She discussed there is a lot of emotion there to work on.
Wow, sunset, It must have really imprinted in my mind :)
Yesterday was a great day, my wife decided I needed to get out. So out we went, she took me to the spa and shopped. We got manicures and pedicures side by side. I was very apprehensive being all manly and getting my nails done. She kept saying men do this all the time don't worry, except I wasn't there as a man... at least in my head ::). When we were done with nails she said I should get my eye brows waxed. In my mind I could I could keep my secret to the world with nails but eyebrows???? Everyone would see that, how could I explain?
Funny thing at this point I really felt like I had a dual personality. The voices in my head were at odds, best thing is Allie won out and I got them done, just a clean up but they look amazing. It's like Allie made this decision and I'd have to pick up the pieces. Very weird!
We then went shopping, as the day went on I was feeling more and comfortable looking at clothes. My wife and I wear the same size so I could kind of explain if I was ever cornered. Without getting into all the boring details, it was a great day, girls day out. I was so happy and feeling good. The only thing that got me down was my male reflection in the mirrors. When we got home we got to try on everything.
Actually had a good night sleep :icon_geekdance:s.
Cynthia Michelle I can't believe how much your therapy is helping. Everytime you post it's like you've had some type of breakthrough. That has to feel so consoling. I am concerned with trying to remember my childhood, a lot of these memories are buried, too much pain. Maybe the therapy will help with that. The Dr. I am trying to get a hold of is local and a gender specialist, only problem she's on vacation until next week. Patience, patience patience
Allie,
Where do you live? You don't have to be exact, the reason I ask is that there might be other gender therapists in your area that you are unaware of and others here may know.
Living in CT
There are likely a lot of qualified gender therapists in your area for sure.
Post here that you live in Connecticut and are searching for a GT.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,52.0.html
Depending on where in CT, a Dr. Woodson in Granby, MA. is very experienced (and was my therapist). http://www.masstherapist.com/
There's also a list kept on the UMass Amherst Stonewall Clinic site of qualified, vouched-for gender therapists.
Allie, I have been seeing the therapist for about 7.5 months. I really try to get well and not hide ( major issue ) and disclose, listen and think. I want to be well adjusted and myself. I can not get well if I do not tell all and really open up and clear up all the crap. I need to be in pretty good mental condition for the next 10 months. I think I am going in full speed and I need to be able to deal with new stuff.
You have a fantastic wife who is really helping and welcoming. You are very fortunate.
So after about a week of leaving messages I was able to setup an appt for next week. When the phone rang I didn't want to answer it, not sure why I felt that way. I'm sure going to be apprehensive next Tuesday. Seems I have everything in control right now, not that having male and female arguments in my head is in control or rushing home from work to lock myself in the bedroom the rest of the night. Just that if something happens or opens up, I'm 44 and have never been to counciling. This whole thing scares the hell out of me!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I need something I can't go on this way, I am just so confused
Allie,
You just took the hardest step!!! :icon_hug:
The gender therapist is going to be just fine with you. Just keep these 3 rules of transition in mind for your therapy sessions and you will do wonderfully.
1. Show up. (this one is vital...)
2. Do not worry.
3. Bring your sense of humor.
Get that down and it will be all gravy in a few months from now and you will wonder what all the fuss was about.
Congratulations Allie, you took the 1st step in helping yourself sort out your feelings and take action in helping yourself.
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
She came down stairs and greeted me (1st time). She looked at me head toe and I felt like I am a failure. We walked upstairs and it was a long walk. She asked, "so what is happening with you"? I was upset and tears were in my eyes (my home work was to wear something feminine and it was recommended I go to Target and just buy something I like, a top, a bottom, make-up or jewelry). I explained I went to target and had a sharp pain in my head and I felt sick. Then I went to Wal-Mart and I felt like I was going to vomit. I drove away and tears streamed down my face and I was crying. I failed myself. I cried out what am I going to do and I remembered my sister gave me my Mom's necklace and bracelet I purchased her in May 1993. I wore those Items today. Alison looked at the items and said they are beautiful and they are and they are mine.
(I loved My Mom and Dad very much and they did not know any different)
The therapist asked I go over the 1st time I wore woman's cloths and used make-up and the ensuing trauma with my Mom. I did. Then she asked I go over it as a 5 year old watching the events unfold. I did it 2 more times ( I kept going into the scene) Then I was asked to be an adult watching a 5 year old watching the events ( 2 or three times until I kept in the movie theater). I was a complete mess.
She then asked I return to Target while wearing my jewelry and imaging I am helping me as a 5 year old (me)buy something. If the next visit I can only walk the woman's section then do it.
I have been crying off and on since therapy.
:icon_hug:
This work is hard, but it is ultimately rewarding in the end.
It was just as hard for me to go into a store and buy myself womens things at first. it used to be a major stress inducing event to just walk into the womens clothing section. Complete with nausea and almost barfing from the knots in the stomach. Now, not so much. I feel really weird when we go into the mens section of the department store now.
Last night my wife wanted to know what I was posting. and I told her I was posting things that went on at therapy. She wanted to know and I shared with her. When I started she said your mother loved you and how and why do you think she reacted the way she did. At that point I quickly went through the details and hoped that was enough. I was really just wanting to go to bed and not discuss, it was raw.
I was happy she finally asked and I could share some of my experiences with her. I thought maybe I could share the abuse and incest. No, I would not dare share. She can not understand. She said, "if I was a therapist I would just say get over it and move on". She said her gender is like breathing air and so is everyone else's. It is and that is that. She then said do you want to wear woman's cloths because that is where I draw the line. With reference to growing my hair she likes it but not if it is in anything but a male style.
I understand how she feels and why. I do not initiate sex and she interprets it as I do not desire her. I went over how she is my world but to no avail. I really feel so much better on HRT and never thinking of sex. Sex to me was very dysphoric, in the past. I am learning how to use different imagery and visualize my true self and it feels so good. However, I just do not have a sex drive.
At what price freedom, at what price peace, can I find the answer already know.
I ate a lot today and I just needed to let go. I will be back on track tomorrow.
Can't you compromise with your wife? Would she? For instance, you don't have to buy anything that is too feminine. It could be an androgynous top, maybe a mauve Polo, and some women's bootcut jeans. I know when I started presenting female in public when I was 20 in 2004, I wore androgynous female clothes but it felt so liberating and right. PLus they were so cute! They might have been more femme then you wife would like but I;m sure you can find a middle that would satisfy both you and your wife. Once you get used to the idea of shopping in the women's section it will be much easier. Maybe you could go to a a thrift store. I go to the Buffalo Exchange at 17th and Market but that might be more femme then you would like. Target works. But you can find great clothes in Center City or Rittenhouse Square. But they did have tons of super cute pink and black heels. Not Louboutin but they still rock'd. But it just feels so natural now and I would have been mortified at one time and ran into a corner and cried. I think you can do it. But don't force yourself too. let it come in time.
Oh yeah!
Thank you Joanna!
Thrift stores are a must for early transition women. We do not know what we like and what looks good on us yet. The styles we prefer have yet to be properly defined in the start. So the thrift store is a godsend. You can cheaply experiment with your look. Once you get it figured out, and your body stops growing/changing, then it is ok to start to buy a proper wardrobe from retailers. Why would you want to sink $45+ on a blouse you are not even sure is going to look good on you?
Thanks all and Hugs,
My wife is ok with more colors and some style changes. Buffalo Exchange 17th and Market sounds like a good place to visit. I am in the area for work, by Drexel and Penn.
I need to do my homework. Which is wear the bracelet and or necklace and imagine I am holding a 5 year olds hand (me at 5) and eventually buy something I like. It is a fantastic perspective and I really want to do it. I think it will be freeing and hopefully an end to a past issue.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on August 16, 2013, 05:37:38 PM
My wife is of with more colors and some style changes. Buffalo Exchange 17th and Market sounds like a good place to visit. I am in the area for work, by Drexel and Penn.
I work in west philly. In fact i am going to move there. My boyfriend and I are going to look at an apartment tomorrow in Cedar Park right off Baltimore Ave. I'm so excited. But yeah you can get really inexpensive stuff at the Buffalo Exchange. It gets a bit crowded at times and I always feel like I am fighting with people trying to look at tops but you can literally buy what would be a $100 top new at like $10. It's amazing.
I have a feeling that the situation between you and your wife is totally going to work out. She has stayed with you through this. You obviously love her and she loves you and that will get you thru anything. But I wouldn't force anything like making yourself buy or wear female clothes if you're not ready. There will be time. Let things evolve naturally. I thinkit is great that your wife is involved with the transition and how much you care about her. Your story seriously touches me.
I don't have anything to add, everyone has given you great advice. I just wanted to chime in to also tell you, your story touched me :angel: I hope all goes well with you and your family and job! It's a slow process which is why they call it transition, but slowly but surely you'll feel more confident and free and happy!! Just take one day at a time ;)
Hello my name is legally christopher but id rather b called christen. Im 24 years old and am transgender. I have always known since I was very young that I was a girl but I was not in the right body. I have always had this intense desire to b genetically female and envy girls because I am not. I hate myself and it just hurts so bad I need people that I can talk to and support me and help me get through this. I have my mom shes supportive and im so happy for that. I just need to talk to some people going through the same thing that I am and can relate to the pain that I freel every second of the day. I ask please if anybody is willing to b my friend and get through this together you dont know how muxh that would mean to me thank u
Yusuf we feel your pain hun.
Christen, we are here for you. Not only are we your friends but we are family. I know how you feel, Hugs.
Christen, do you have access to a gender therapist? The reason I ask is I have been going to a therapist for 8 months and for the first time in my life I am starting to let go of the self hatred and starting to love me, the girl. I can not tell you how freeing it is to be able to realize I am different and it is ok and I do not want to hide it anymore. Everything is not peachy keen but I am working out the issues and making new friends.
The first step is making a phone call for help and scheduling an appointment.
Thank you. I dont have access to a theripist I wish I did but circumstances I dont think will allow it kinda hard to explain if anybody wants to talk can email me and I will explain my situation one on one dont want to really post it
Kisses
Christen
I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:
I am 1 week away from 3 months HRT. I committed to 3 months and she requested I do at least 4 months. She said and...... I said I am picking up month 4's meds tonight. I once said I do not know how I would do hrt now I do not know how I could stop. The feeling is so correct and I feel really good and I am getting out of my shell.
I am still relearning sex and need to get more stimulation so I climax closer to my wife. It takes a long time to climax with minimal stimulation. Climax is good but feeling another's skin and emotions and connecting is very very pleasing too now.
I am going to the Buffalo Exchange tomorrow and I will figuratively be shopping with a 5 year old (me).
Reviewed last weeks subject (5 years old and showing Mom me in makeup and woman's cloths). She asked how things went after I left and I told her I cried on the way home and during some parts of the nights and weekend. I got choked up and she asked why and I told her I somewhat forgave my Mom. I still do not know why she did it to me and why she did not help me(tears). I think she was doing what she thought was right but it was so wrong. She has been gone for 2.5 years now and I will never be able to ask her. I guess it is time to buy some cloths, bury my ghost and put it past me. I really want to do this.
Alison asked it I wanted to attend the TG social on Thursday nights between 7-9 and I said yes. I guess she feels I am ready now. She said I could talk to other girls and maybe ever get a shopping friend. I need help and how better?
She took some brief general sizing and gave me some suggested starting measurements for sizes.
She is on vacation next week but would pick up the phone if I needed her; she is a nice caring person.
I just did not want to do anything heavy today. I still tear up at the thoughts of last week.
:icon_hug:
:)
I look forward to the TS/TG get together we have every other week. It is nice to be in a room of other transitioners. To be normal in a room full of people and not unique.
Being with similar people is almost a longing, a call in the distance or a ship just on the horizon. I feel safe at the LGBT center with the non T people too. No guard, no defenses and no worries.
Alison is a director at the LGBT site and she is very protective of trans* people and her patients. I guess I am ready :)
I have been very busy this week with work and really have not had a chance to update. Tuesday night I went to therapy, the psychologist is a gender therapist that has worked with this condition many times.
The whole day before I went, I kept trying to talk myself out of going.. I could figure this out.. this will go away with time and get easier to handle. This would be the first person outside my wife who knows, OMG I was about to let the word out.
So the session, she was very welcoming. Of course I was wiggling in the seat, wringing my hands just feeling totally uncomfortable. Then she asked "how can I help you?". Utter silence for 2 minutes, I couldn't say, I was too ashamed. That 2 minutes seemed like an eternity. So she asked my again, I told her that in my 44 years I have never been to counciling and how new this was. After she comforted me and gave me a speil of everything is confidential, I spilled. Actually once I started I couldn't shut up. Blah blah blah blah, I don't think she got a word in in anout 15 minutes.
At the end of me pouring my soul out and holding back tears, I asked for the fix. The magic wand she kept in the drawer. The pendant she would use to hypnotize me. Whatever magic she was going to pull out and make this all better. Guess what? There's no magic, no hope. Because she had gone through this before she said that this could be resisted but it will affect the spirit. I'm thinking.. kill my soul or climb an impossible mountain. What a choice.
The session ended before I was ready. I wanted another 2 hours to help figure this out. She talked of support groups, I said I could barely open up to her. Didn't think I am ready for that. I still haven't come to terms that I can't fix this somehow. I keep telling myself more therapy, more therapy, that'll help. She seemed pretty resigned to the fact that there is nothing to do to change this, it is who I am. I also got a homework assignment, she gave my a book, "She's Not There". Before next weeks session I should read it. The book is pretty entertaining and a good read. I am about half way through where she is going full time.
Seems thing are moving at light speed, I am getting more and more disgusted looking into the mirror and seeing a man. It just adds to the stress.
Christen I certainly feel your pain!!!! Cynthia Michelle in this thread has laid out, albiet a true roller coaster of a ride, how she is working through this. From where she was to where she is now, for me I hope I can come to terms like she has and move forward.
Allie, congratulations, you made the hardest step and it gets easier. I bet you felt a rush of relief when you left therapy. You mentioned impossible and hopeless; you will learn it is anything but hopeless and impossible. It is one the best things I have done in life. Yes, it is hard work and new and different. When you realize (takes time) you are just fine albeit different and are welcoming of your inner female sex
then you will start to feel so good in your own skin.
My life is so much like Jennie Borland ( friend on facebook) it is scary. On Page 100 I sat and cried. At that time I wanted to start HRT. The thought of HRT was scary because I just knew I would wake up the day after starting and look like a cc female and not have time to adjust and ease into and welcome each change. How wrong could I have been! I had no idea the mental and physical feeling (not looks) change and how awesome it is. Like swimming in water not acid for the 1st time. Now I want the physical changes and can not imagine going off hrt.
What is so so hard is clothing. I want desperately to dress but have such an issue. I am working on it and it is a lot of work for me. It is my mountain. I think just going to the stores and looking is a goal for now. Walking in the door is an issue.
My therapist says I am all backwards, I notified work and started HRT (ounce I learned) without much issue but cloths is my difficulty.
Good luck, hugs. Tomorrow I will be 3 months old and I am getting boobies!
No two peoples transitions are exactly the same.
;D
Did you go to the TG group on Thursdays at the Mazzoni Center? If so, what was it like? How were the people? Were they young, old, a mix of the two? I thought about going. Haven't.
Ohhhhh, Aloha, dear sister Cynthia,
Rickya here... the newer intro post than yours! See already, you have sisters, who are following you!
OMG, dear friend! I so feel your pain and your agony! I cannot even imagine the conflict you are in! My own gay coming out was pale by comparison. And now I have few persons, who will be impacted by a second coming out-- no wife, no child. I so empathize with you!
I am brand new here at Susan's place. But, my new friend, does this seem like the safest place in the world to "let yourself be"!!
Cynthia, my words to you--(easy for me to say! not really): As much as you are able... for this present time-- "just let it be"! That's my new motto. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.
Time. Time WILL/ CAN heal.
And please, sister, be easy on yourself. You are a dear. You are the bravest creature in the world right now. Give yourself time and just let it be!
I think we're gonna find love and acceptance her. Take it in and let it help you through the bravest thing you will ever do in your life.
You are in my prayers, Cynthia,
Aloha no! Rickya
Thank you all, hugs.
This social group would be at William Way LGBT center 1315 Spruce Street. I had therapy on Thursday and the social is on Thursday but later in the day. I had not discussed it with my wife yet. She says I am untrustworthy and worries I am having sex with men and Trans*. When I get there I will post what the social is like. I thought about going to the Mazzoni group too. I have my three month checkup at Mazzoni Tuesday and I will inquire. I think that social is by the Casio at their other site.
Aloha, and thank you for the encouragement. The clothing issue and socialization are actively part of my therapy. I get home work and goals and we review and work out my blocks that I make and restrict myself from being me. I am not brave, far from it. I figured out I want to live, hence the struggle. I want to be me.
Yes, we all transition differently and I think I need to socialize and meet other people like me face to face. I have so many questions.
No therapist this week ( she is on vacation)
Went to Mazzoni for a 3 month oil check and conversation about life with the PA Dusty (really nice guy).
- reviewed:
sex,
wife,
coming out at work and need to work on wife to tell daughter,
beach and black top,
higher dose, no needs to check to make sure pituitary gland is not enlarging, major bummer!,
Cialis refill and meds refill,
blood taken,
reviewed wife referencing me as a woman ( said she wished I was not a woman, way cool),
reappointment in 6 months. Lots of refills on order. Doing well.
I'm 60 plus and have been on HRT for 5 months. My experiences are very similar to your and so many other here that I have read their posts. I came out to my SO recently and you could read my post under "A sould lifting experience from mu SO when I told her". I hope you can find inspiration.
Thank you. I will read it now.
Just read it, she is truly special and an Allie. I would love that for myself, a dream.
:)
Still following.
Ops Manager said yes Mam today. I pointed it out and he said how did it feel, I smiled.
Told him(joking) I was going to the exec and complain he does not want to know my name and use proper pronouns. Next day he did, in earshot of 5 people. Huuuuuum, felt pretty nice.
Another Director( does not know I am trans*) was discussing the 25 year recognition dinner and said he would take another girl if his wife did not go and he knew I would not say anything, I confirmed. ( Many of guys cheat at work) Then I said I would bring a guy if my wife did not go (he thinks I am kidding). Then he said there never was a TV at the event. I said if my wife did not go I would dress as a woman and bring a male date, he laughed. Then he said he would bring it up the the exec. who knows I am Trans*. Oh so funny.
Cynthia,
Ditto on everything you have said in this string..... I was diagnosed with GID long ago.. now 54 and bell went off and well I have much to think about.
I am new here and wanted to say I appreciate the way you expressed your feelings... so much like mine.
I wish I could somehow make my feelings go away... I was so exhausted yesterday after going to the lake and sell a boat we had...it was hot and I almost passed out..
After a three hour drive home I was laying in bed reading a warning on a site about transition.. the story's of failure and regret..
Last night I profoundly decided no way.. I am going to do it.. with some relief...just too much trouble...
Blew my great diet and found myself eating ice cream at midnight overeating again..
Woke up this morning... and nothing has changed except that I can't wait for my therapy session next week...and would give anything to get my testosterone stopped now.
The perfect diet is on again.. I want to live... I want to change.. I am planning everything out way ahead... My feelings just wont go away..
Carrie
Carrie,
You are amongst friends and family here.
Get to the therapist appointment and start the work. I promise that transition is not as difficult as it may seem, and a womans life isn't that bad. I find it very enjoyable and wish I had done this decades ago.
;)
Thanks Cynthialee,
I am trying to take one day at a time.. not my nature.. thank you for your support.. I have found a great therapist experienced and should be able to guide me to my best outcome... I will take the therapy very seriously...I am a pilot btw and will take this more seriously that learning to fly.... its much more involved and the risks of poor outcome are not an option.. at least if I crash a plane I don't have to worry about what happened......but seriously, I am scared to death.
Funny thing happened to me... sitting at my desk doing research trying to find the answers on my own... I read a post about finger index... silly thing right...
right index finger 70mm and index 69mm...... and just when I was trying to make sense of everything I am more confused than ever... my hand matches my wifes perfectly.. maybe that is why I have feminine face small hands feet and other assets
Take care.. see you around the boards as the journey starts..
Carrie
Carrie, I was fixated on reading the finger size ratios and regret stories ( not many). I too was scared over the past 9 months but after I did it, I feel so much better. The world really does not care, just the closest in your life. I regret not doing it much sooner. Transition for me is wonderful. HRT is reversible for the beginning few months, perhaps 3 or 4. You will know if it is for you by the end of that time, if you choose to use HRT.
Therapy is a blessing.
No, the feelings do not go away. Please keep in mind you are normal, just a little different.
How common is the finger size thing? Mine are cis-normal, as far as I can measure!
Well for sure its not a way to treat or diagnose.. you measure from the tip of the finger to the fold on your palm where your finger bends.. that is a proper way to measure..
But they do say women with longer ring finger are more aggressive and men with equal or longer index can be more passive or gay...
I don't think it matters one way or another ........my wife's match mine and I cry more watching tv that she does.. try to hid it but I get caught...
Carrie
Well... looks like I was measuring wrong, the last time I checked. I just measured now and they hit 75/77mm or 0.974. I'm not sure how much I trust this test when the mean ratio between men and women is off by ~0.02 and the standard deviation is about 0.03. Plus, it's this danged hard to measure them accurately! Unless you're a statistical outlier... (>1.005 MAAB & <0.931 FAAB)... I don't see value in it.
per wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digit_ratio
Sorry for jumping on this thread - I saw what the discussion was about and got interested!
Below is a reference. My Mom had 2 children prior to me and thought she had cancer and was in a panic and had extreme stress the 1st 5 months of her pregnancy with me. I guess the androgens were blocked from my brain receptors. My ring finger on both hands are way shorter then the index.
A link to your femininity or masculinity: Check Your Finger Length!
In women, the index and ring finger are roughly equal in length. But in most men, the ring finger is longer. That's a result of fetal exposure to testosterone.
My 13 year old nephew, while staying with us over the summer, brought up a fact that he had heard and then read about. Apparently, he purported, the length of ones index finger as compared to ones ring finger could differentiate most men from most women. This has been well documented over the years but I had not been aware of the full details as I saw in this particular study. You can imagine how perplexed and confused my nephew was when his theory of my being masculine seemed to fail when he measured my fingers over and over and found my index and ring finger were of equal length suggesting that I was more woman than man.
The whole basis of the study was based on levels of in-utero exposure to androgens or estrogens during pre-natal development. Other meaningful relations were able to be concluded as well; including relations to spatial skills as well as language and artistic aptitudes vs. mathematical and logical/reasoning aptitudes. All of these relations appear to be a direct correlation of the brain's exposure to male or female hormones pre-natally. I'll save the good stuff for when you check out these links...
Let's just say that both my wife and I were surprised at the results we discovered for both her and I. The shorter length of her index finger as compared to her ring finger also related directly to the relations drawn for her left-handedness as a possible result of higher testosterone levels pre-natally and correlated well to other aspects that concern her as well.
http://www.viewzone.com/fingers.html
http://www.sciencenetlinks.org/sci_update.php?DocID=260
The following link presents this in a short audio format which I would suggest listening to...
http://audio.scienceupdate.com/050321_sciup_rad.mp3
Also take a look at this:
http://www.viewzone.com/homosexual.html
about half way down the following excerpt is especially notable...
"if a mother is stressed during the early stages of pregnancy, she will release an adrenaline related hormone into her own bloodstream and that of her unborn baby. This hormone, called androstendione, is structurally similar to testosterone, the male hormone. If the baby carries "XY" chromosomes and is destined to become a male, testosterone needs to be active when the Central Nervous System (including the hypothalamus) is being formed. This is the only way that the CNS "knows" to develop along male lines. Because the stress hormone seems to bind to the receptors that would normally be receiving testosterone, there is the delay or blockage of the effectiveness of testosterone, even if it is plentiful."
"...The present data support the hypothesis that exposure of pregnant rats to environmental stressors modifies the normal process of sexual behavior differentiation in male fetuses by decreasing functional testosterone and elevating androstenedione levels during prenatal development. During stress conditions plasma testosterone emanating from the gonads decreases while adrenal androstenedione rises. The molecular structure of the two androgens, being very similar, it is postulated that the two hormones compete for the same receptor sites. Since androstenedione is a less potent androgen than testosterone, the decrease in male copulatory ability and increased lordotic potential seen in the prenatally stressed animals of the present study would be expected. The relative difference in potency between testosterone and androstendione has been repeatedly demonstrated.
It is therefore possible that while the body and organs of an animal can be a "male," the brain can coincidentally be "female."
Another, more recent article, has proven this relationship to yet another degree further and I highly recommend a review of it!
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/09/110907-ring-finger-length-science-genes-sex-hormones-men-women/
I would love to hear what others results from this simple finger test might be as it appears to be one possible physical manifestation of an underlying relation...
-Christen
Maybe that has something to do with my baby face.. imagine what it was like when girls would say.. you have such a cute nose I wish I had your nose.. You have such high cheek bones.. wish I looked like you.. You have such pretty eyes just like your mom.. It killed me. If only they knew.. . ...Passing as a man.. with small hands and feet always made me feel funny on a date.. I would hide my hands..
So ironic.. I felt like I was having to do something to pass as a man's man.. . I need to keep a journal.. you can't make this stuff up...
Went to the therapist today and I discussed:
1) I went to the Buffalo Exchange high end thrift on 1713 Chestnut Street, felt at ease yet in a shirt and tie did not fit in. I stayed and tried to penetrate the imaginary force field to the woman's section. I will return next week and try again.
2) Reviewed the HRT decision to continue for a while, perhaps 20 years or so. Pretty happy and experiencing more each day.
3) Reviewed blood test results, super low T and beast development (Mom was a full D).
4)Reviewed how to approach wife about undergarments. Wife had said her or cloths. "Well hun I have a problem can you help" and try to pull he to help. At least start the conversation.
5) talked about me taking a 2 day presentation coarse in Oct and monthly communication seminars with a bunch of super business women. Also, making this a development goal for work. The organizer is my past professional coach and uses my chosen name :)
6) Talked about wife and cloths issue then reviewing with wife about coming out to our daughter.
7) Reviewed coming out at work May 28, 2014 using a presentation.
8- Reviewed how wonderful I feel and how wonderful sex is and how I finally have feelings and cry. I am so calm and happy.
9) I reviewed something with a Director today, someone I had in the past not liked. We communicated and had a wonderful conversation. We mixed business, family and pets. When she was leaving she smiled and she said," you have a heart and I now know how to reach you". She is really a nice person.
My undershirt is getting snug in the top :laugh:
Cynthia sounds like you are on a good plan and one I am setting out on.. I am scared to death and have thoughts of suicide ..but I know a trans woman that has helped calm me down a bit.. I have therapy in a couple days ...
I still can't get over my 1.04 finger length.. every time I start thinking maybe this is just a fetish or something I am reminded of my childhood.. I cry and cry about it and realize, something happened.. its not my fault I am female... and too be honest, I like my female side.. its what makes me me... and I am a loving compassionate person.
I hope one day I will be where you are... taking the steps...I want low dose hormones now.. even very very low to take the edge off.. I will be asking..
Carrie
finger length is a fun little tool and it can help in adding to the entire picture, but it is not a sure fire diagnostic
Mine are basic male pattern. But then just about everyone in my family has male hands, even the women. My spouses father? Woman hands, if we go by the finger length ratio thing. And this dude is very much cisgendered.
My ratio is 1.01 and 1.00.
I have been serious about ending it all. In December it was real close and not planned. When I say close I mean close. I am so happy I did not. HRT is transforming and I initially was going to go on very low dose for 3 months. I ended up going regular dose and I have no intention of ending. I am happy and am looking forward to becoming me.
I have found, for myself, suicide is a safety valve. It is when my ability to cope is overwhelmed and I need to make hard decisions that are super difficult to face. Like, I am a woman in a mans body and it hurts and the only way out is to cause pain. Well, do you think a chick is having fun getting out of that shell, no. Birth and rebirth is a struggle. The struggle I have found is within me. I am the gatekeeper and I am the one that has held myself back.
Therapy has helped me to recognize I have freedom and I am in control. I am working on breaking an imaginary barrier that is as real as a brick wall but exists in my mind. Going and buying woman cloths in a public place with woman around. I am making progress and the closer I get the more I want it and think about and that layer of dysphoria is ramping up.
Carrie, if you stick with this you will find a place that you make that is just right for you. Hold on for just a little while longer. If it gets to where you are getting serious about suicide call 1-800-273-TALK. Get out of the house, call a friend, go shopping, eat a cheese steak or a soft pretzel or a hoagie or get some sleep or exercise. Point is you are an important person and you have a lot to live for.
Work today I wore a multicolored striped tie and salmon shirt. The tie has the rainbow color stripes. Lots of people were looking at it, really funny.
One guy yesterday asked how old I was and he than commented on I looked younger.
Today a guy commented my longer hair made me look younger.
Tuesday I was dropping off a binder to someone in a lab but did not know where her office was. I ventured to the labs and with a smile I asked for help locating XXXX. I had 2 women offer to show me and the one cock blocked the other and escorted me.
Offered and picked up a new lunchtime walking buddy today, lots of fun. She is really nice and I think a future ally.
I am starting to venture out of my hole.
Thanks Cynthia
I will hang in there.. I feel hopeless and confused... I will be getting help I need soon..
Carrie
Went to the therapist Friday evening and we discussed:
1)Going to support. I need to bring up the issue with my wife. There is already a big trust issue and it will a big issue, I feel.
2) Work. There is an issue and I am going to highly recommend a training to and for HR and leadership. There is an issue. My therapist needs to check to make sure one of the other two who do the trainings (45 years combined experience) does not have a conflict of interest. She is a Physician and Researcher in Trans* and on staff. If there is a conflict then the offer will be for just the two but the other would add an absolute authority to the training.
OK, the issue. I need to learn to be mindful of what I say and how I say it. I never was able to speak my mind and was always afraid but I have lost my fear and just could not stop. I expressed myself on many topics, truthfully and accurately to my boss. I was blunt and expressed without backing down. I later apologized in an e-mail an person. He said I needed to realize I no longer think like an engineer. I saw my boss yesterday and questioned his statement and asked that he clarify. He said that due to hormones I no longer have the mind of an engineer. He sited a past coworker and a comment that she asked, "does he feel the same every day he wakes up". He said yes and he said she would love that but never knows how she will feel due to hormones. He then said engineers think without emotion.
My boss really does not know and is ignorant on the subject. He said he had not read the three books I lent him. Leadership and HR where I work need Trans* 101 training. I love my boss and where I work and the people where I work. I told him I am not stopping HRT and eventually I will be coming out. He said I will just tell everyone ****** (given name) has made a decision and he is transitioning to become a woman. Here is the policy and I will be enforced. My head hurt so bad at this point and I could not believe what I had just heard; I was numb. My therapist just looked at me in complete horror when I told her and she said a training is needed and is starting to make initial arraignments. One last comment. When he speaks to me with reference to trans issues he looks at the ground and stumbles for words sometimes. He cannot look at me. I think that hurts most of all.
Hang in there... I just told my wife.. its been emotional.. but she accepts me.
Your boss obviously does not understand and most cis won't unless they are willing to get educated. Ignorance= fear.. understanding = compassion.
My wife has found compassion and understanding but now her dreams are gone and her hubby is dead...
Hope you can get him educated..he needs to understand.
Carrie
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on September 14, 2013, 08:49:54 AM
OK, the issue. I need to learn to be mindful of what I say and how I say it. I never was able to speak my mind and was always afraid but I have lost my fear and just could not stop. I expressed myself on many topics, truthfully and accurately to my boss. I was blunt and expressed without backing down. I later apologized in an e-mail an person. He said I needed to realize I no longer think like an engineer. I saw my boss yesterday and questioned his statement and asked that he clarify. He said that due to hormones I no longer have the mind of an engineer. He sited a past coworker and a comment that she asked, "does he feel the same every day he wakes up". He said yes and he said she would love that but never knows how she will feel due to hormones. He then said engineers think without emotion.
Wow. Are there ANY female engineers at your workplace? That's not cissexist... that's outright sexist.
I totally understand about losing your fear and speaking your mind. I always had that technically, but now I have no fear... and maybe even crave people to know who I am. I know
some of it is getting out... some of it pretty strongly. I wouldn't be surprised if those work friends who are on Facebook with me suspect that I'm gay. Thankfully trans* is way off anyone's radar... but that may be questioned more quickly once I start transition (or say more things I shouldn't).
How exactly are we supposed to keep our mouths shut? That's what my wall was for... the wall is mostly gone now... but I'm still very male in body (and will be for at least a year, maybe two as far as work is concerned). Luckily I'm in a BIG company - HR and Management should be OK... unfortunately it's staffed with a lot of conservatives.
Good luck w/ your wife. It was the first and hardest thing I ever did after coming out.
Thanks for the replies. Hugs.
Coming out to my wife was very difficult and we are very close now. She know knows a lot of why I had behaved they way I did, especially addiction and lack of sexual desire.
Yes it is sexist. The company has 14,000 employees and is 90% female. Most of leadership is female. In our department there are 18 or so cis female of which 10 are Architects, Planners and 1 other than I are engineers.
All my life I was plagued with fear and indecision and now it is going away and I am getting courage. I do not know why. It feels empowering and a bit reckless.
I too want to tell everyone but my therapist advises against it and for good reasons as I am experiencing.
It is best to not tell everyone.
Perhaps after you have gotten this transition thing nailed down and it is old hat for you, perhaps being the educator is a good idea. But at this early point you do not know how you will feel in a couple years about stealth and just fitting in as a woman. The advocates life isn't for all of us and that is perfectly ok.
Quote from: cynthialee on September 14, 2013, 11:18:40 PM
It is best to not tell everyone.
Perhaps after you have gotten this transition thing nailed down and it is old hat for you, perhaps being the educator is a good idea. But at this early point you do not know how you will feel in a couple years about stealth and just fitting in as a woman. The advocates life isn't for all of us and that is perfectly ok.
Are you an advocate? How does it make your life harder?
I see two options for me in 2-4 years. Either I'm out, an advocate, and don't care (I think I'm strong enough) and can stay in the area to see my kids often... or I move relatively far away (down the coast or cross country) and see them very seldom. They are young, and I can't see leaving them, but I can't see staying stealth in my job at my current location. I am committed to who I work for.
Thanks all, hugs.
Friday I had asked my therapist her opinion about coming out to another at work. She asked why and I stated my reasons and described her religious beliefs and her political views. The therapist advised against it and stated I needed 1) the training to be done at work and 2) attend the Thursday night trans socials for support.
I want to come out to more and be open but the therapist warned that at work it will be mixed and some will not respond well. The organization needs to learn from the top down so when the "wildfire" occurs there would at least be some knowledge of trans. We discussed the potential of me working someplace else shortly after I am out. I discussed this with my Boss Friday too and he said he did not want that to happen. I also discussed with him training for the upper management and shared my therapist information with him.
Went to the therapist today and discussed:
1) She sent coming out at work info to my e-mail but was having computer issues and will resend. She also had the training information and proposal. She wants to review the information with me after I read everything. Then I can send it to HR and my Boss.
2) Work transition is progressing well while home is stalled. I need to review coming out to our 16 year old daughter, buying a replacement set of woman's panties and undershirts and throw out my male under items.
3) I walk at lunch and at night and feel great. My mind is almost free of sexual thoughts and quiet, is the best term. I still see all the wonderful woman's cloths and 1000's of real life models. I am fixated on women's heights, voice and geometry.
4) I can go to bed and sleep without sexual dysphoria!!!
5) I have to date only gained from HRT and coming out and want to proceed more. The therapist is protective of me and wants me to be more prepared. She said she did not want to be a gatekeeper and would deal with "if I sent an e-mail to work staff". I am not ready yet.
6) Asked if I would look female in May 2014 and she said I may need more time. :(
7) Will go to outfest and group in 2 weeks.
8- I was able to unconsciously look at her and feel a wonderful wave as I discussed looking at women's cloths then I switched topic to another item and looked away. Se caught me and asked what we were last talking about and how I felt when I was discussing. I said I felt a warm electric wave of excitement. She asked why I stopped and looked away. I said because it felt good. She asked what is it. I explained discussing the clothing felt good. She then asked why I looked away and changed the subject and I said it felt good. I told her I never accept positive feedback and switch it to negative, until the last few weeks. I explained, for example, I never looked at my high school or college diplomas yet I know exactly where they are. I explained I changed my ties, work shirts, pants and shoes and am getting a lot of very nice compliments and it feels really good. I will get my diplomas out and look at them and hang them in my office. She said you know you can get them reissued in a new name and I said in due time, May 2014. I want positive feedback now and it feels good; I almost crave the positive feedback. I want reinforcement and affirmation of my change. :)
;D
I want that for you also hun. So very much so.
You are kicking ass and taking names.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on September 20, 2013, 08:21:48 PM
I told her I never accept positive feedback and switch it to negative, until the last few weeks.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on September 20, 2013, 08:21:48 PM
I ... am getting a lot of very nice compliments and it feels really good.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on September 20, 2013, 08:21:48 PM
I want positive feedback now and it feels good; I almost crave the positive feedback. I want reinforcement and affirmation of my change. :)
Wow! That so reminds me of my own experience. Perhaps we couldn't accept praise because it was for who we were presenting as, not who we really were?
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on September 05, 2013, 07:15:35 PM
1) I went to the Buffalo Exchange high end thrift on 1713 Chestnut Street, felt at ease yet in a shirt and tie did not fit in. I stayed and tried to penetrate the imaginary force field to the woman's section. I will return next week and try again.
Did you penetrate the force field yet? I know it's hard at first but really i shop there a lot and people are more focused on finding that perfect top or hot pair of jeans then anything else. It's more competitve then anything else because generally there will be at least one other girl shopping one of the racks and if she reaches something cute first, she'll get it. Everyone shops really fast there. But I found the cutest pair of size 8 red ballet flats a couple weeks ago. It cost me 8 bucks. I wish they had them in 8.5.
They have such a great selection. Just go in and do it no one is going to care.
Thanks all for the replies, Hugs :)
Found my Engineering Diploma. I had a tears in my eye when I looked at the diploma. I will hang it at work (a copy). Funny, my high school diploma (and college too) was in the original envelope. When I went to opened my high school diploma if was already opened and when I pulled it out it is my brothers. Good enough. I will never see my brother again and he definitely will not have my diploma.
Cynthialee, I have a long way to go but as my therapist said I am lopsided. Work is going well but I have to face the music at home and make some clear, reasonable progressive progress. Underwear, cloths, makeup and voice all in moderate steps and come out to my daughter.
Mary, you are spot on. I punished myself throughout my life. I turned all good stimulus into negatives. I knew what I was doing and I stopped that behavior.
Joanna, I am going to the Buffalo Exchange Monday or Wednesday after work ( I promise myself I will do this). I will be dressed in male work cloths, tie, dress shirt and slacks. I will walk the isles and you gave me a great idea. I will buy a pair of jeans. I have a goal; it is to walk the isles and buy a pair of jeans. The store has a lot of great cloths and it is very mixed with who is there. It is close to the Gayborhood and some of the people there are edgy and I need to relax and just shop. The force field is real to me yet it is just in my mind, I will repetitively think of that. If someone spontaneously combusts in the store you will know it was me.
I went to the Therapist today and we discussed:
1) I hung my diploma, PA Engineers License and PA Engineers certificate you receive when you pass the exam (like a college diploma) in my office. I am very proud. I told all that it was the 1st time I looked at my diploma. All but my wife asked why. I answered I was not satisfied. I told the therapist the truth. I was not proud of myself. I am experiencing pride in my achievements now.
2) She did not forward me coming out at work information because she wants me to slow down and she is right. She will send the training proposal and coming out to children information.
3) I want to come out to our daughter.
4) I went to the Buffalo Exchange and ended up buying a male surf board shirt. I said there is a grand canyon between the male and female section. She asked when I wore woman's clothing as an adult. I told her I wore pantie hoes and spandex exercise shorts in very short and Capri. I have several of each. I told her I had thrown all my fitted designer jeans away 1 year ago (had them at my Mom's house) as well as shirts. She asked why and I said I did not ever want to wear them again and now I do. She asked if I wore my wife's cloths and I said no, they were too big and I do not like those type of cloths. I want to wear underwear (including shear bra) and fitted jeans and fitted shirts. Also, that I want to lose 30 lbs and regain my hour glass figure. She asked do you realize you are whispering? I said no, not until you just told me. Also, I was very hesitant and I could not look at her. I felt nervous and now I feel deflate.
5) She said I need to practice discussing the clothing issue with my wife and tell her I do not want to hide wearing woman's cloths or do it behind her back. My wife had given me an ultimatum her or cloths a few months ago.
6) I have a stunted self identity and I need to grow my identity in a positive way, so I was told and I agree.
7) I not only do not want to commit suicide anymore nor do I think of it every day (I beat the odds)and something new, I want to live and grow my self identity. To what I do not know, just as long as I can be honest and caring. I fear being genuine and mocked or rejected.
;D
I went to the Therapist today and we discussed:
1) Ordered a dozen pair of panties and some female fitted undershirts, slight compression. The clock is ticking the clothing discussion.
2) What I will say when I come out to our daughter. Which is, I love you and your Mother and I want to discuss something with you. You are 16 and old enough to understand what I am about to say to you. I am transgender. (comments welcome)
3) Discussed when My Dad and Mom died and going to work the next day and not sharing the info and asking my supervisor to keep it confidential. Not being able to share feelings with my girlfriend and wife (girlfriend became wife and parents died 20 years apart) or anyone else but my sister. I use to sleep with my sister until age 11, to some extent it was for safety and definitely companionship.
4) Discussed internal self image and dismantling the firewall. I do not stand up for myself and I fold when my Wife cries. There are many other examples. Alison said being trans* requires a strong self image and I need to develop my image.
Biggie
5) I decided to file for therapy reimbursement through insurance. Alison stated over the past 9 months on occasion she does not issue a diagnosis of GID but another diagnosis which basically means working things out. Today she said she did not issue the GID diagnosis and went over the reasons pro and con. I told her I did not want to lie or hide, her previous GID statements bothered me although I could not bring myself to state such in the past; she asked what diagnosis I wanted and she would comply with my wishes. I just sent her in writing I want the claim to be for GID. I feel at ease with the decision and perhaps a bit affirmed, I do not know how else to describe it.
I feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself for not stating I feel or I am or I anything and holding my ground. I avoid, hide and collapse as a means of existence. I am weak when it comes to my identity. I will take positive progressive actions to grow my identity.
A good tool in coming out is to write a letter that covers everything as well as you can and then hand the person the letter to read and you sit there waiting for the resulting questions.
This way when you are in the moment, heart racing and ready to blurt like a fool because it is a stress situation you have no pint of reference for, you can be sure everything you wanted to say is said in the letter. And you are there face to face so it isn't impersonal. In fact, it will be much more intimate.
Quote from: cynthialee on October 01, 2013, 12:43:40 PM
A good tool in coming out is to write a letter that covers everything as well as you can and then hand the person the letter to read and you sit there waiting for the resulting questions.
This way when you are in the moment, heart racing and ready to blurt like a fool because it is a stress situation you have no pint of reference for, you can be sure everything you wanted to say is said in the letter. And you are there face to face so it isn't impersonal. In fact, it will be much more intimate.
This is exactly how I did it w/ my family and my wife's family. I got a lot of comments on how strong I was to not only come out to them, but to sit there and squirm while they read it.
Even if you don't use the letter tactic, it often can be a huge help just writing one out. If you can eventually wrap your thoughts on what you want to say into an eloquent letter, chances are you will be better prepared to speak to it as well.
Thanks for the replies, hugs.
I discussed the panties and fitted undershirts with my wife. Long talk and I was able to use I and I want in sentences. She is going along with it :) Also, my home work is to hold my ground.
We discussed jeans and fitted shirts and she said I would need to see the cloths. :)
Daughter is a no go. She said she thinks she is going through a lot right now and did not need additional stress. I said when and she said when she moves out after college. :(
Reviewed going to Outfest and I have a go. :)
My inner image needs work. I will look in peoples eyes and get their eye color, hold my body perpendicular when addressing people and not look away. This is home work.
The letter idea just wasn't relevant for me. My wife found I had woman's clothing and the response seemed to be something like: "Oh good - grounds for divorce the church will accept". End of discussion, and I hadn't even started to decide if I really was going to transition.
Quote from: MaryXYX on October 03, 2013, 10:57:12 AM
The letter idea just wasn't relevant for me. My wife found I had woman's clothing and the response seemed to be something like: "Oh good - grounds for divorce the church will accept". End of discussion, and I hadn't even started to decide if I really was going to transition.
Ouch! With my wife it was the same way. I hadn't been out to myself long enough to think of writing a letter. I told her three days in a row. The first day she claims she didn't hear me (I think it was more of a "that was just play"). The second day, she definitely thought I was playing. The final day she broke down. :(
Quote from: MaryXYX on October 03, 2013, 10:57:12 AM
The letter idea just wasn't relevant for me. My wife found I had woman's clothing and the response seemed to be something like: "Oh good - grounds for divorce the church will accept". End of discussion, and I hadn't even started to decide if I really was going to transition.
That made me cry. ._.
Mary, that must have difficult, hugs.
My wife said there is a line as to what cloths and where I wear them. If I decide to cross the line then she said, "I will love you but I will not be married to you. She told me why. She could not take what others would say behind her back. She said she knows what others say behind peoples backs. An example was a co-worker who's husband came out as gay and they divorced. All the girls were just saying how could she not know and crap like that.
Things to ponder while I build my identity. I have some thoughts but I need to let them ferment. An identity is something that is basic and you should not compromise, but then XXXXXX.
It was very painful to lose my wife, church, friends and most of my family, but it did set me free. Moving into my own apartment gave me the opportunity to think things through and decide firstly that I was serious about cross dressing. After my new neighbours had seen me it was just one natural step after another until I went Full Time. I don't regret the break as much as I regret all the years living as the man I never really was.
I feel the word for those considering transition is:
It will bring a lot of pain and loss - we mustn't minimise that. You take the decision when the alternative is worse.
Quote from: MaryXYX on October 04, 2013, 07:50:49 AM
It was very painful to lose my wife, church, friends and most of my family, but it did set me free. Moving into my own apartment gave me the opportunity to think things through and decide firstly that I was serious about cross dressing. After my new neighbours had seen me it was just one natural step after another until I went Full Time. I don't regret the break as much as I regret all the years living as the man I never really was.
I feel the word for those considering transition is:
It will bring a lot of pain and loss - we mustn't minimise that. You take the decision when the alternative is worse.
And strength. It needs a lot of strength and you clearly have that!!
I'm of three minds at my eventual loss of wife and house (a loooong process -- because of the house). I lose a lot in her and in my neighborhood community. I lose daily access to my kids. But I gain a space for me to be me 24-7. Overall... I don't know what I want (yes I want the whole package), but at this point I know I'm getting the good and bad whether I like it or not!
Change is difficult. Change brings division and strife, but it's also the only way we can grow as individuals.
I went to the therapist today and reviewed so much:
1) Panties on and more on the way, camie is good up top but I need to lose some weight,
2) I will order jeans and but a few tops at Buffalo Exchange, need to order bras,
3) Sent trans* training info to Boss and HR,
4) Have GID determination and paid invoices in hand to send to insurance for therapy reimbursement :) , My clock started Jan 2013,
5) Going to outfest,
6) I will actively manage weight loss with the therapist and get help if it starts to get all encompassing,
7) When I speak to my wife I used I want, I feel and similar,
8- When I was discussing what I said to my wife about going to outfest with a coworker I said my Mom said. We discussed the slip.
9) Reviewed a pic I sent the therapist of how I see myself. I said I can get everything but the face and she said I did not have a masculine face. She pointed out my small nose, non masculine jaw and chin and eye sockets. Why didn't she say this when I asked her in the beginning. I just can not see anything but male in the mirror. Perhaps some time will help.
10) Talked about coming out at work and the different ways and ramifications.
Went to the therapist today we discussed:
1) Picking up month 6 meds today,
2) Wet to Outfest Philadelphia Sunday and reviewed all the sites I use to go to when I was another person long ago. I went over where I picked up people and how that desire came back outside ICANDY's. There were beautiful guys in tight undies. The burning desire was there and has not left. Very cool day all things considered.
I also explained the COP issue I had there. I was standing looking at the magician on stage. 5 cops gathered on 1 corner and 4 on another. They were behind me. I moved to see them and just walked away. I was that uncomfortable. When I saw them on the streets I just gave them wide birth. Everyone wanted to be there but them and you could tell. I had an incident in the Gayborhood 30 years ago (mistaken person) and was at gunpoint with several cops. There guns at me and some very threatening cops. An old Cop stopped a bad scene and let me go. There was an alarm going off and I was walking by when they started arriving. I was drunk and was in tight pants, tight shirt, super thin and long hair and I looked gay. Gays were a target and that area had a lot of gays. I just fit the bill all to well. I think about that old cop from time to time. I wonder if his son was gay. ( lots of tears)
I had issues with my Dad growing up (was a cop); I just hid when he came home.
Only downer of the day.
3) Undies here, next bras then jeans. I found the bras I like and need and I found LEE jeans I like too. The sized are so confusing.
4) I need to use the I words for the Bras and jeans with my wife.
5) I whispered (hid) when discussed my breasts. I was sad and almost in tears when talking of what I want. I was happy when I talked about bras and jeans and hair.
6) Talked about the mistake I made in college, the door I never went in and the life I want back.
:police:
;D
Went to the therapist today and I discussed:
Bras are on order :)
Wife wants to see my posts on Susan's. This could end the marriage, I have kept many past experiences private.
I look to my wife to make all decisions. Even when a waitress asks is anyone wants peppers I look to my wife and only I use them. I need to say what I want.
I am working on accepting compliments and not dismissing my accomplishments.
I came out to a co-worker. I felt good, was calm and hope she keeps confidence.
You can request the admin to nuke your threads pertaining to your wife so that if you do share the posts it is somewhat cleaned up.
;)
(if you do have this thread thrown down the memory hole send me a PM so I can stay in touch)
Thanks, I need to get back to FB. I have been so busy at work I have had little time to do much of anything and I am taking a class for a certification.
I reviewed this with my therapist. If I come out at work then the threat is divorce. If I wear cloths full time then divorce. If I disclose to all then (probable) divorce. If I continue growing my identity, which feels empowering, and I disclose to others, which feels vulnerable (very good when the response is not negative) and when I wear cloths I feel excited (not erection excited but happy excited) then perhaps the growth is worth the risk.
I do know, I only had a few not serious times suicide popped into my mind in the last 5
months while on HRT. I have been happy quite a few times and really feel close to my wife and others.
When my therapist said, Cynthia it sounds like your presentation went well. I ignored the comment and when asked what she said I did not know. I did not hear the comment. She repeated the comment and it felt neutral. I have thought about the comment a few times and I am feeling good thoughts and feelings. I agree with the comment.
My home work is to allow positive reinforcement in and vision Cynthia receiving the praise. The feeling when Cindy receives praise is electrifying.
I just want to be me.
So, eventually I may share me in total or not. Perhaps I will not need to hide my growing identity for ever.
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) I have been wearing a bra since last week. I feel great and I was very happy. I said the dressing just does not stop. I do one thing and then I need to build on the success.
2) I discussed I intend to order a pair of jeans and it is really no big deal.
3) I then discussed the memory of being called a fag and homo in front of the Haggerty Library when in college 30 years past. The guys, about five, were very threatening. I was thoroughly humiliated. I was there Sunday at an open house at Drexel. I did not let on to my family but there was a few seconds of panic as I froze and relived the event. At this point, I started to get a head ach.
4) Reviewed a lot of similar situations where I was called a homo and faggot and threatened with physical violence. In college I may have been called names every day for 3 years. That was the reason I hid and made an alternative life in a bubble. I believed what they said and took in all the hatred and I really hated myself. I took a lot of repetitive comments from my family too.
5) I now realized The jeans would be the 1st external (other than growing my hair and HRT) sign of my famine self in 30 years. The jeans are a very big deal. I may (will) take a lot of heat from my current family. Outside the house, I am guessing will be sporadic bigotry.
At this point the session was over and I had a splitting head ach and I felt sick to my stomach.
I may get a jacked (North Face) with the jeans. I feel excited to shop for the cloths, even if it is only on line.
:icon_hug:
Cynthia,
My therapist told me to buy some woman's jeans.. I told her my jeans were falling of me since I lost so much weight... I seem to be a few steps behind you... I start HRT soon..
Have a great weekend,
Carrie
I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:
1) Jeans are on order. If they fit well I will order more. I really like them, low on the hip and straight leg :)
2) Reviewed my wife demeaning me with comments. The comments are enough to hurt but I am biting my toung. I will address the next comment in a most likely soft approach.
3) I burped at home and I did not see my daughter there and she said, "that is not lady like". She must be building on my wife's comments ( does not know I am TG).
4) Reviewed next year's beach panic, was redirected to the hear and now.
5) Having a boy crazy phase; listed specifics.
6) Discussed a NothFace coat I want. I would get black with white letters. The cut will be cool. Jeans, hair and coat. Next I am looking for some tops. The line was stated that if I dress then the marriage is over. The cloths is going to be the 1st big test. Going out in public will be an identity boost too.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on November 06, 2013, 07:07:42 PM
I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:
1) Jeans are on order. If they fit well I will order more. I really like them, low on the hip and straight leg :)
2) Reviewed my wife demeaning me with comments. The comments are enough to hurt but I am biting my toung. I will address the next comment in a most likely soft approach.
3) I burped at home and I did not see my daughter there and she said, "that is not lady like". She must be building on my wife's comments ( does not know I am TG).
4) Reviewed next year's beach panic, was redirected to the hear and now.
5) Having a boy crazy phase; listed specifics.
6) Discussed a NothFace coat I want. I would get black with white letters. The cut will be cool. Jeans, hair and coat. Next I am looking for some tops. The line was stated that if I dress then the marriage is over. The cloths is going to be the 1st big test. Going out in public will be an identity boost too.
Which jeans? I know some of the Levi's (though not too well ... yet). I just ordered a 2nd pair of (Men's... but WTH - they're all the same) 510 Super Skinny ;) I think some of the guys at work get nervous when I wear them.
I hate ultimatums... they're unfair. I was given a few and promptly said I couldn't possibly stick to them. I think that was the beginning of the end - though really... that was the Saturday I came out to her. The negative language and derisive tones I got from my wife only stopped after I discussed with her therapist that I think it would harm the kids in the long run. They have to see my transition as normal and acceptable or they'll be further open to ridicule and teasing from their peers. . . and my 4 year old daughter is the biggest burper of them all right now (we tell her it's not polite if she doesn't say excuse me or if she keeps doing it LOL)
Quote from: Cynthia M3) I burped at home and I did not see my daughter there and she said, "that is not lady like". She must be building on my wife's comments ( does not know I am TG).
Yeah.....about that.
Your daughter surely knows if she is throwing out quips like that. Even if it is only on a subconscious level...she knows.
My wife made some pretty insulting comments last night and we talked. 1st time about my feminity in a while. I called her on he comments and she said she wanted reassurances I will not dress as a female, get surgeries and meet for support in the community :(
I was even "asked" not to post on Susan's Place. :(
She did say she liked my hair and that felt good; but I want to grow it to just below my shoulders. Then there was my nails of which I agreed to keep trimmed a little shorter.
I said I would limit Susan's to 30 minutes, that I will order jeans and wear them in the bedroom :( I said I wanted a Northface jacket and a woman's watch and she cried. And said she wanted me to go back to the way I was before I told her.
The jeans came today (A.N.A. brand) and they fit like a glove :) I put them away :(
I am somewhat numb and just going through the motions. I have been thinking a lot about a lot of things. I was somewhat happy at times for 2 weeks thinking of the possibilities and do I dare to dream and now I realize I was kidding myself. I have to define myself and stick to what I can live with. If I fail then I do not know what then. I am not going back.
hun, I know this is not easy to hear, but it may be time to start considering the eventuality of separation.
She is not going to let go of the male you without a serious fit and fight.
I am so sorry.
:icon_hug:
Quote from: cynthialee on November 07, 2013, 07:43:39 PM
hun, I know this is not easy to hear, but it may be time to start considering the eventuality of separation.
She is not going to let go of the male you without a serious fit and fight.
I am so sorry.
:icon_hug:
I have to agree with this as much as it pains me to say it.
Cynthia, It really does seem like your wife will not be able to let the "man" go. Especially given how incredibly resistant she is to you exploring your gender identity and most of all reaching out for support.
Big big hugs hun.
I looks to me like separation is now inevitable. I'm sorry too Cynthia, but do you think you could survive much longer in the role you are supposed to play?
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
The good, the bad and the ugly.
1) I came out to the new HR rep. today and she is an Ally and totally welcoming. She and her husband have gay friends, live close to the gayborhood, have work activities in and for the hood and went to Mazzoni (LGBTI family medical care) for 2 years as cis patients. This is very cool! She asked very pointed questions such as do you want to change your name, dress and get GRS. I said yes but am up in the air due to my wife will divorce me (she stated such). I do not think she understood how difficult those three questions are. She said we should talk often and she can get someone to periodically talk to at work. We had the discussion in the cafeteria! Going home I actually felt so happy and in-charge of my destiny. I love where I work.
2) My daughter is learning anatomy at school and was pointing out feminine / masculine features in faces. She looks closely at my face and said you have a feminine face due to far head, eyelets and jaw. She then said sorry and blushed. My wife said you like that don't you and few times. Inside I was so so happy.
3) Boss joked to me about a coach bag in a private moment. I repaid it by pointing to a coach bag in public and said should I get a bag like that. He looked down at the ground. I was laughing on the inside.
Now for the ugly
4) My wife and I spoke about cloths, coming out to family and at work and GRS and name and going to group and posting on Susan's.
-Susan's 30 min per night,
- no coming out,
-no dress,
-group 2 times per year
So I did not cave and negotiated the 30 min/night for Susan's and I said I will go to group more often but not defined (have yet to go). I will come out at work but not for a while.
She is scared she is losing me and she is scared I will leave her (I reassured her I would have to be physically removed and would never leave). I just feel bad I really love her. She brought up the I lied to her again and I said yes I did and I apologized and we can get stuck there or move on.
I did not totally cave but I did not stand up for me 100%. I felt like we compromised and she got the better end. Any thoughts.
She's not scared about losing you. She's afraid to face the new reality in her life. That's why she is trying to force you right back into the closet by demanding that you not do things.
Cynthia-
Somehow I missed this thread when it first got posted. I could have written your initial post almost word for word, because my experience was the same when my bell rang.
So I skipped to the last page, and I see that you are now about at the same point that I was 6 months ago.
I'm worried about the conditions that you agreed to - you will probably find that they become untenable after awhile. I know that you agreed to them to try to save the relationship between you and your wife, but in the long term I believe that agreement will become like a ball and chain for you, and you will resent having had to agree to it. And I have doubts whether the agreement will be enough for her, or if she will increase her demands over time.
My wife wanted the fake male person she married and does not want the real me, even though that's who she's actually been married to for 26 years. Eventually a switch of hers flipped and she had had enough and in spite of my best efforts to keep things going she loaded up her car and drove away last Sunday to live with her sister that is 1/2 way across the country. It's all over between us now.
I hope that your relationship doesn't get to that point, but I think that it would be wise to prepare yourself at this point just in case it does.
Thank you all for responding, hugs.
Eve, I am sorry for you loss, I know you must be hurting right now, hugs.
I now have some room and I am focusing on the now. I know that each hurdle I jump I am closer to the place I need to be and the more comfortable I become. The ageements are, in my mind, open to future discussion.
There may well be a point on breaking the relationship but that will be her doing and if it occures I am sure it will be due to my extenal feminine display and coming out.
I need to not hide who I am. I am pretty happy with hrt and the progress from therapy and I really like the person I am becoming. I need to get to support :)
Another thing to think about Cynthia;
When/if you transition and if your wife and you maintain your relationship you will be perceived by society as lesbians. Regardless if you two continue a romantic/sexual relationship the body language between the two of you will say 'we are a couple' to the world in general.
Society treats lesbians as second class citizens. In fact I get less troubles from the world when society sees me as a TS woman than I do when I am passing, then they see me as a lesbian and I get the second class citizen treatment. Mainly it is just scowls and rude thoughtless comments, but sometimes it can be scary.
Your wife is fighting this tooth and nail. My guess is that she will not like being a lesbian if she is not at least bisexual. Probably not? Are you a lesbian or at least bisexual? If you are a straight woman at heart then the sexual friction between you will get worse as estrogen starts its' work. Things don't work like they used too for most TS women and if your wife and you had a sex life there will likely be some major changes. If you are attracted to men it will probably get stronger when your second puberty starts.
Anyways, that is enough harsh reality checks.
Hugs
You have come so far already. I am very proud of you sis.
I haven't really been here on Susan's in a while but I just read all 16 pages of this thread in one sitting. Thanks for making me stay up until after 2AM... lol. I swear , it was like reading a book and I just wanted to read what happened next!
I can relate to a LOT of what you have written about. I swear, I blushed then laughed out loud when you talked about buying panties while trying to scope out which cashier to use, who is in front of you and hoping some redneck doesnt pull his cart in behind you.
Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts (you are braver than I am in many ways) and experiences through your journey. I know that many people will benefit from reading your story.
Hugs, Jessica
PS- I sent you an IM on Facebook.
Cynthialee, I am starting to change, face, breasts, hair and fat. Also, I am experiencing desire changes much more toward male, stronger and more vivid. I was discussing with the therapist Friday about what is the biggie about being lesbian ( I do not have many filters). Why do cis hetero woman find it so revolting? She said imagine a TGirl who is made to act male, the feelings are similar. The future is not written but feel it will be difficult.
Jessica, I hope it helps another Trans* person. I wanted to put the whole experience on Susan's to help others. I hold back very little but I do hold back some. I do not want the thread to get moved. I was so close the end of Nov. and Dec. and the brothers and Sisters here save my life. This is the thank you. Sorry, I have not been on FB for a while but will go there this weekend. Thanks for taking interest.
For clarity I would be considered a Red Neck by others who do not know the real me. I have a truck and my girlie subcompact. When I am with a certain group I wear flannel and have guns (my cover life I made) when I am me I wear spandex work out gear and woman's underwear and Bra. At work people are asking around if I am gay (some guys are becoming friendly, smiles, a wink or two, touching and a few hugs). My identity is changing as well as my life is changing.
I am sure I will have gains and losses. I hope to keep it together and I am trying my hardest to become me.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on November 16, 2013, 06:46:43 PM
Cynthialee, I am starting to change, face, breasts, hair and fat. Also, I am experiencing desire changes much more toward male, stronger and more vivid. I was discussing with the therapist Friday about what is the biggie about being lesbian ( I do not have many filters). Why do cis hetero woman find it so revolting? She said imagine a TGirl who is made to act male, the feelings are similar. The future is not written but feel it will be difficult.
This is very useful. It might help cis people understand what we go through... basically "how would you feel if everyone thought you were gay, but you're not?" That's how I feel every single day of my life.
Quote from: Stochastic on November 17, 2013, 04:03:11 PM
I feel the same way JessicaH. Cynthia Michelle and I have a lot in common as well. Perhaps none of our stories are truly unique. That is why I am hoping for a happy ending for Cynthia Michelle, so the whole community has something to feel good about. In a way, a happy ending IS is unfolding before our eyes.
Before my transition I used to think my life story and experiences were unique. That I was the only person like myself.
But when I started to come out and transition I read a ton of transition stories from other TS women and it struck me how very common run of the mill transsexual female I actually am. At first it was a little disconcerting. So much of my self was tied up in the ways I saw myself as unique. But as time went on I started to find comfort in those commonalities. Those things that defined me as odd and different were just common traits of many TS women. It made life a little more normal. I am a normal TS woman. That is actually pretty comforting to know that I am not alone or weird.
:icon_hug:
Hello ladies it's been a while. Cynthia Michelle I am happy to hear you are still moving forward and finding happiness in your transition. I love reading all the other ladies chiming in saying how much your story affects us. The simularities of what we go through while transitioining is amazing, all different backgrounds, situations but the feelings and fears are there.. even the little victories!! :icon_dance:
Cynthia Lee is correct in saying the spouse will be viewed as a lesbian, that is my wifes biggest hangup. She is really trying to figures this out, I believe it is just as difficult if not more difficult for the spouse. What I mean is that they are really kind of stuck reacting and then dealing with what they may find objectionable. I was told by our couples therapist that I need to start acting like a woman and not just do things like men do. I am still having trouble with that one >:-)
Cynthia Michelle so of course I have my gender therapist, the wife has her own therapist, together we have a couples therapist and our son now has a therapist. We are trying to figure out how to go through this and keep our marriage with therapy and truth, I think we really have a chance. But the main thing is that my wife is trying, she knows I will never go back... I CAN'T!!!
On a funny note I have had a gay man I work with approach me too and make a comment that would have freaked me out before, now I just laugh. Ahh hormones
As the spouse of a trans* person I can attest to the fact that it is indeed harder to be the spouse than the transitioner. My transition is no big deal to me. But my spouses transition messed with me ALLOT. Especially when Sevan started testosterone...Yeah that was a challenge!
I married a person I thought was a woman, and a very feminine woman at that. But that is not true. That uber woman exterior was an attempt to give the world what it expected. Turns out I married a gender queer. Not a man or a woman. Society trains us how to be in a relationship with a man or a woman. You get the instructions everywhere you look in the common society. But there is no instruction manual so to speak on how to be in a relationship with a gender queer. It was a challenge for sure, but I think we have it figured out.
Cynthia,
My name is Kelli and I am 42 yrs old and can relate very well to were you are at right now. I am just a little further behind and am just starting to realize who I am, I have built a life on a lie and now if I were to be truthful and tell everyone I am a woman it would be a destruction of epic proportions. My wife knows and is seriously freaked out and I am going to a counselor this week. I can continue the lie and everyone will remain unscathed or I can be truthful and wreck their worlds, what do I do with this? I am scared as HELL!!!!
You can effect their worlds but you cannot make or break them. That is on them. You can be yourself and happy bringing joy with you and you can ease them into understanding you. You can be miserable and living a lie and bringing that pain with you. You may be able to do either well, but you do what is right and the world will follow.
Kellizgirl, therapy is the place to let all your fears known and express all that you want and need. We have a difficult existence in the shadows and there is a lot of pain addressing what we put off or could not face in our earlier life. If you need someone to talk to post on Susan's, here in this thread or PM me. You are among supportive friends.
Allie, LordKat and Cynthialee, thank you for your insight. I am heading into the storm and I needed your perspective on how a spouse feels, thank you. I will keep it in mind.
Went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) Went to the movies with the family, something about time travel, and I cried through most of the movie. When I got home my daughter said (twice) it must be from the female pills. My wife said to me I wonder if she snooped in your drawers?
2) Guys commented on my gray to blond hair. I am using vitamin C (liquid) on my scalp to see if it helps with hair growth and I expressed such.
3) Guys at work asked about my hair and how long I will grow it and I said mid back, got some looks :)
4) Wife told me I needed a hair cut and I said I will not (she said it twice). Then she said do you want it my length and I said I do not know. I want it upper back.
5) Daughter is studying anatomy and compared the face bones I have and named each item and said I have a famine xyz. This went on for 45 minutes. Mu wife was egging her on. I turned off the computer and just sat there emotionless. I got up and went to bed very early and then proceeded to cry. I cursed that I was born and all those responsible. My dysphonia is raging and I am mad at my wife for egging her on. I said I would not come out to my daughter but this is hurtful. I told the therapist I had heightened dysphoria ever since the HR rep was welcoming. I admitted to her with my guard down what I wanted. It just came out. Now with the female comparison by my daughter I have very bad dysphoria.
6) I told the therapist I wish I was never born. I also said the negative column outweighed the positive column. In the past I would have very negative thoughts but now I know it means I need to even the tally. I need some more positives.
7) My wife, I lied to her when I married her and I lie to her now by not telling her my whole truth, sex, sexual relations, sexual relationships and what I really need to be me. I need to grow.
Ok, I am on a 24 hour head ach even with Motrin. Funny thing my wife and daughter act like last night did not happen.
Quote from: Allie on November 18, 2013, 06:58:45 PM
I was told by our couples therapist that I need to start acting like a woman and not just do things like men do. I am still having trouble with that one >:-)
Not sure about that, but I don't think I thought about it. I just act like the woman I am.
Cynthia,
Your daughter obviously knows and is trying to egg you into coming out.
So you have a transsexual medical history. Yes it does seem rather daunting and overwhelming at this point.
Once I got over the humps and settled into my new life the stress levels have seriously gone down. But most of my stress was informed by gender dysphoria. You know this song and dance, sing it along with me....
;)
I can not promise that your family will not go ape>-bleeped-< if you transition. Can't do it. But honestly that is on them.
What will really change for them in life in the grand scheme of things?
They will have to alter the pronouns and proper personal name that they use to address you and speak of you.
That is all! That is it. They only have to change one simple thing in their lives when dealing with you.
What do you have to change to feel comfortable enough to not want to self destruct?
Name.
Hormones.
Wardrobe.
Physical Body.
Voice.
Deportment.
Learn social and verbal female skills.
You will literally have to change everything about you and how you deal with the world. They have to change the name they use for you.
For anyone to claim that it is simply too much of a challenge for them to "go through" your transition then they are selfish and unreasonable. You have to do all the work. And furthermore we make it easy for them to remember for gods sake! We are dressed like women, we talk like women, we look like women....is it really so hard to say she, miss and ma'am?
I don't know but I have been very fortunate coming out to my family so far. Pretty much my wifes whole family knows and has been so supportive. I came out to our oldest (my stepson) and he was great, he wants to be my protector. Still have mom, that's going to be a tough one, I was figuring after the holidays but she's already hinting that she knows something is up. We will see what happens, just taking it day to day.
Work on the other hand has been increasingly stressful, I continue to get comments on my apearance. I am not ready to come out at work but the way things are happenning it maybe sooner than later.
Cynthia Michelle I don't recall if you asked your wife to go to couples therapy but to have someone that can provide impartial help between you two would be a benefit. I agree with Cynthia Lee your daughter knows. These comments don't naturally come up in casual conversation.
Cynthia Lee I am hoping that you are right... that things will get easier. Giving up was never an option and I am happy moving forward but it does suck!!
Last night my wife and I spoke for 1.5 hours about the severity of my dysphoria the last few days. She does not understand the depth and breath of the "disorder" and how her and our daughters comments hurt. I explained everything I see and hear gets filtered to female attributes.
She will not go to therapy.
She does not want me to present or disclose.
She married a male heterio in her mind and now she finds out I am bi and female. I died to her.
The negatives way out number the positives. I have had a head ach now for 2 days and I know why.
At some point I will find the answer, soon. I just know I need to pay the price. The odd thing is 2 weeks ago I was thinking I feel great and now this. It has been a year since my coping mechanisms failed and I had a choice then too. Growing up and defining your identity is an emotional roller coaster. Putting everything on green a second time is really against the odds of coming out unsaved.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on November 20, 2013, 07:08:12 PM
Last night my wife and I spoke for 1.5 hours about the severity of my dysphoria the last few days. She does not understand the depth and breath of the "disorder" and how her and our daughters comments hurt. I explained everything I see and hear gets filtered to female attributes.
She will not go to therapy.
She does not want me to present or disclose.
She married a male heterio in her mind and now she finds out I am bi and female. I died to her.
The negatives way out number the positives. I have had a head ach now for 2 days and I know why.
At some point I will find the answer, soon. I just know I need to pay the price. The odd thing is 2 weeks ago I was thinking I feel great and now this. It has been a year since my coping mechanisms failed and I had a choice then too. Growing up and defining your identity is an emotional roller coaster. Putting everything on green a second time is really against the odds of coming out unsaved.
I'm impressed you've been able to go this long without coping mechanisms. Mine failed when I came out... and the lack of coping has gotten worse and worse.
On the other hand, your wife isn't being fair to you. Has she had a year of this as well? If she cannot go to therapy with you after even a few months of being out... then she needs to find her own therapy. This tells me she's trying to control who you are for her own gain (what seems like a slowly failing marriage).
To me, it sounds as though you are feeding her denial by trying to make this work and save everything. Saving everything loses everything... saving what you can means losing something.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on November 20, 2013, 07:08:12 PM
Last night my wife and I spoke for 1.5 hours about the severity of my dysphoria the last few days. She does not understand the depth and breath of the "disorder" and how her and our daughters comments hurt. I explained everything I see and hear gets filtered to female attributes.
She will not go to therapy.
She does not want me to present or disclose.
She married a male heterio in her mind and now she finds out I am bi and female. I died to her.
The negatives way out number the positives. I have had a head ach now for 2 days and I know why.
At some point I will find the answer, soon. I just know I need to pay the price. The odd thing is 2 weeks ago I was thinking I feel great and now this. It has been a year since my coping mechanisms failed and I had a choice then too. Growing up and defining your identity is an emotional roller coaster. Putting everything on green a second time is really against the odds of coming out unsaved.
What I'm going to say will probably hurt, and I'll probably regret it as soon as I press that "post" button, but I really believe it: Your wife is holding you from your dreams for her own selfishness. You're better off without her.
I understand very well that it's not that simple. It never is. But, it kind of is, too.
Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on November 24, 2013, 12:14:10 AM
What I'm going to say will probably hurt, and I'll probably regret it as soon as I press that "post" button, but I really believe it: Your wife is holding you from your dreams for her own selfishness. You're better off without her.
I understand very well that it's not that simple. It never is. But, it kind of is, too.
It's never quite that simple, but in my opinion the marriage has already gone and it's time to admit it.
I must agree with the above posters.
And I am a die hard romantic. I will often counsel folks to go to great lengths to preserve a marriage.
Good to see you on Cynthia. How is Savan? You guys made it and show that it is possible.
Quote from: LordKAT on November 24, 2013, 04:28:31 PM
Good to see you on Cynthia. How is Savan? You guys made it and show that it is possible.
Well Sevan and I are doing well.
Sevan is working at a queer youth center as Programs Director and I am a housewife. Sevan is making a mark locally as a powerful queer advocate and a go to person for queer/trans* competency training. Also doing school. My job is to maintain Sevan in good spirits and take care of the home. It is a team effort.
So yes it can work. But there has to be the will to make it work on both sides. It helps immensely that both Sevan and I are bisexual. Without that sexual component making the relationship would be much tougher. But as we are both still very attracted to the other and totally in love it works.
Now I do not think sex is the most important thing in a relationship at all. But it is very important to me. Even though there is a good chance that a sexual encounter will trigger my dysphoria, not having that intimacy is far more painful. I needs me some lovin'...besides when I get laid and I don't have a dysphoria session, the orgasms that I have now that I am on E like blow the T orgasms out the water. :D
Just to add that I am very glad to see a couple making it work out after one of them transitions. It is unfortunately rather rare. Congratulations Cynthia and Sevan.
Went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) Last Sunday night (week ago) I had a very bad dysphoric event due to my daughter comparing my face to a cis female (lasted 45 minutes). I was very upset Monday, Tuesday and subsiding Wednesday. Monday evening I reviewed this with the therapist and later that night with my wife. I explained dysphoria to her and the 1000's of times a day I compare myself to females and wish. My wife said why do I not just say something and she would stop. I used that advise Wednesday night when my daughter again started with the anatomy comparison. She stopped when I calmly said I would get upset and please stop. I think she felt a little bit bad about what happened Sunday night. The important point for me was for the first time I did not ignore and put the feeling on a wall. I addressed the issue causing the feeling. I guess if my daughter didn't persist for 45 minutes Sunday I would still not be able to say stop. Sounds simple but I never confronted bigoted or hurtful comments with reference to my gender or sexuality. When I was called homo or fag, in college, I did the same thing. She wants me to work on the "say no or stop" to bigoted comments.
2) Therapist asked what it would feel like if I told my daughter I am trans*. I skipped the feeling. She made me go back and answer. I said I though I would feel good about it. Caveat, I would need to tell her I have a brain birth defect and I need estrogen to function properly and it is the media that portrays Trans* as other than normal (although I am different). She wants me to think about this.
3) She asked (I brought it up) what physical surgical changed I wanted. I told her all including approximate prices. I may be able to tap $50,000 of health insurance for surgeries and I have them prioritized.
4) Saw someone who has not seen me since HRT started. She said I look so much different and she likes my hair.
5) Security guard said today, you look good, out of the blue (joke intended). Huuuumm.
6) Had sex with my wife, was very dysphoric. Went into the dysphoric details.
7) Reviewed agreements and how agreements can be changed in the future :)
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) Where I work they sent me an e-mail informing me TG benefits are available (including GRS, procedures, HRT and therapy). I read the letter and I felt sick, head pounded and I was trembling. There was so much in the 1 page letter. I think most important is recognition I have a birth defect and I have a PASS to some congruence in my life. I carried the letter with me all day like it is a special communication for some divine entity. :) :) :)
2) I got me wife diamond earing for her birthday. when I told her I had her present she asked to see it but not to give it to her until her birthday. I showed the diamond earrings to her and she aid she did not want them and that she wanted a watch. Wow, I have a pair of earrings now and I plan to wear them on my 1 year HRT birthday May 28th. Why a person would reject the earrings I do not know but I suspect she wanted to hurt me. I told the guys at work I will get my ears pierced in May and they did not say anything mostly. A few said cool what will the SVP say?
3) I had some Trans* bigotry pushed at me by someone who thought they were funny. It was complete with mimicking and high voice and exaggerated gestures. He does not know I am Trans*. I froze and did not do anything but feel like crap. I paid the price for a day. We practice what to say next time and I will be ready, firm and to the point with no mitigating words. What a mean xxxxing jerk!
4) My daughter said I am more emotional because of the estrogen pills I take. Guess she looks through my dresser.
huh...I wonder what's up with the earing rejection?
I do not know. I put her through a lot this year so I got her something I thought was very special. 1.2 ct, H color, A cut, SI. The diamonds are on fire with sparkle too. I was stunned by the rejection. I was thinking lab emerald earrings for myself but the diamonds are mine now. I never would have purchased them for me.
I've had a lot of gifts rejected by my wife since coming out. I've also had gifts that weren't rejected but weren't received with the grace normally expected from a gift (that was my mother). What's given in good faith and with good intentions isn't always received that way.
Your workplace sounds absolutely wonderful!!!
And I've been there with the anti-transgender jokes. Now I think I'd say something, but usually I would keep quiet and not potentially out myself (I'm not really caring much about outing myself lately).
Cynthia it sounds like things between you and your wife are really going down hill. Everytime you post I hope to see something that says she is trying to work it out. I don't think in my life I have ever seen a gift turned back, especially diamond earrings where there was love present. We don't do things like this to people we love. I must admit with everyone else that I think it's time to prepare for the worst. Sorry to say your wife is not trying to make this work out. Relationships only work by working together not apart, that must be heart wrenching. <HUG>
How is the relationshipwith your daughter? Hopefully her feelings towards you will not be poisoned by the issues in the relationship with your wife. I think for me that you should focus on the positives and best outcomes with your daughter at this point. There is an eventuality in all this, I'm don't remember if you came out to her but I am just talking about strengthening communication and your relationship regardless.
I am very excited to hear about your work. Do you know if you are the first transgender to come forward? It seems they are spending resources and time to understand, set policy and layout benefits. All I can say is how happy I am for you, to be able to be accepted for just being you at work. Plus it seems they have benefits that will help with your transition, that is one of the biggest transition obstacles affordability. It seems I will be coming out to my job very soon. I have my fingers crossed that I am accepted like you are.
Thanks for responding, hugs.
There are 14 disclosed to Benefits TG at work. I am sure there are more. :) I would assume we are all TS. The non-TS most likely are able to get by and are in the shadows. I will be at my 1st Diversity group meeting Monday (1.5 hours) followed by going to a bar in the Gayborhood I will not attend because I am alcohol free, but an alcoholic.
My daughter is my best friend, we are going to the gym this morning. She is cool and we will be fine, I hope.
I am my own gatekeeper. My wife does not nor will not support my changes. I will go to group soon. I thrust for welcoming and positive feedback. I will gravitate to what I need and away from negative feedback; after all I am just a human with frailties and insecurities and the need for acceptance and welcoming.
The earrings response is still unbelievable.
I love going to the clubs and dancing my a$$ off :icon_dance:, up here in CT there is a club where once a month there are maybe 70-100 sisters that attend. It is truly a great experience, acceptance and worry never cross my mind. Plus the women are beautiful!
My therapist pushed me to group early on. Since going to group I have made some good friends that I can call on at anytime. It is amazing how we all have simular problems but so different. Just like here on this board, I have found that the transgender community is the most accepting, gentle, loving bunch of people I have ever met in my life. Sometimes I consider my gender problem a curse but if not for this, I would not have met these genuine individuals.
My wife would have never turned back the ear rings, she already considers me a diva who has more shoes than here.
I am going to the Diversity meeting at work Monday. This is the group that pushed for the TS health benefits. By my going I am somewhat outing myself at work. I can hide by just saying I am supporting the Diversity Group or I can contribute and become a part and participant. The group has had some impressive accomplishments.
There are two support groups I can go to. One is through Mazzoni Center ( where I have my LGBT health primary doctor and lab tests and get meds) and meets once a week and another is at William Way LGBT center in the gayborhood. I am at William Way weekly and may sink up my gender therapy on Thursdays to do both. My therapist use to work at Mazzoni and now has her practice at William Way.
I will find community to share, be and thrive. I am getting past the self hate and fear of people finding out thing and just want to be me. My therapist just recently said I was ready for support group. She said I sought out approval and acceptance when I e-mailed Mazzoni last year this time. My therapist said something that hit to the core Friday. She said I have had no approval and very little acceptance in my life and I seek out approval and acceptance. She said this is why I am on this journey. She is 100% correct.
I went to a Work Diversity meeting yesterday ( LGBT division)
The EVP sponsor and a newly transferred manager into the Diversity Department were the only non-LGBT persons there. We introduced ourselves, what our title is and why we were there. The EVP and Diversity Manager mentioned they essentially were there and not LGBT.
I was super nervous and I wanted so much to disclose. I guess I semi disclosed - light
One module was to split up into three groups and work on 2014 and initiatives. During the break-out a Social Worker explained about a Trans* patient issue and the need for more information. I explained WPATH 5 and where to get the information and how it is a SOC and perfect for Health Care Providers to learn. The suggestion was not even written onto the flip chart. I stated the resource again and it was ignored. One person, the Diversity manager (not LGBT) hogged the time and did not know LGBT issues.
Later I mentioned the legislation Councilman Kenny had sponsored and got passed this summer (meds, LGBT job protections, neutral bathrooms on new construction and more). The SVP stepped in and said the office of GOVT affairs would be the contact and not to contact the councilman's office for information.
In the cafeteria today
The asst. director of Security asked what is up with my hair 5 times and loud while in a crowded set of lines. He then said, " what you are not going to answer? Is it a mid life crisis". I then said I like long hair and he left me alone but did not like the answer.
I had to see my boss today and while in the executive suite waiting I was standing there and looked down at my breasts budges on my shirt. I smiled and said to myself May would be a good time to come into the open.
I looked into the mirror today at my face. I could see some real change :)
Cynthia,
Relax, chill, have some good food, get a good night's sleep, slow down, take care of yourself first.
Then & only then do what you can at your own speed on your gender change.
I've been where you are & it will take you over if you allow it.
My Love to you, Francis
I went to the therapist yesterday and we discussed:
1) 1 year ago 12/12/12 I came out to myself and started to melt down. I made two high probability attempts to commit suicide, one 12/13/12 and one on 12/14/12. On the 14th I had to try help and I reached out for help on Susan's and Mazzoni. I really have made progress and I feel stable. There has been a lot of pain, growth and acceptance. Thank you, my brothers and sisters for helping me make it to this point. Overall, I am happy I chose to stick around and I am excited for the new year.
2) I received some unbelievable news from work. There are now covering some Trans* procedures by insurance. I have a list and gave a copy to the therapist and she was blown away. We are opening a trans clinic in the future and are acknowledging there are Trans* employees. So she asked what I want to do and I said clean the sheet. I need to work on a plan and timing and how my change would affect my marriage.
3) What to do and how to do it, procedures, marriage (keeping it alive and well) , group, work, disclosure.
4) I never imagined I would have the work support and insurance support. I am thinking only of the good and I know there is a price to pay. We have an insurance point person at the insurance company. We chatted for a while and she asked me questions. People just do not understand what they are asking out of curiosity had profound impact to the person they are asking the questions to. She asked what it was like being young. I told her about the trauma I was subjected to when I disclosed at 5. I was there again and got emotional. I was thinking, but did not say anything about incest or sexual abuse, banding my gonads or damaging my penis shaft to the point erections cause pain from the scar tissue. I had in my hand the list of covered procedures and my hands were cold and shaking. I did not want to sound like a nut and I had to keep it together. Still I started to tear and my voice quiver with emotion. She was asking question because she wanted to understand more about the persons she would be helping. I said a few times if you only knew what the acknowledgement and coverage means to me. My mind keeps saying what is the catch and cost and deductible and co-pay??
5) If I did not stick it out I never would have had this opportunity. If I did not disclose to HR and Benefits then the non advertised insurance coverage that was just approved would not have been disclosed to me.
Watching you grow has been an honor and privilege.
hugz and luv
Quote from: cynthialee on December 13, 2013, 10:54:16 PM
Watching you grow has been an honor and privilege.
hugz and luv
;D
Cynthialee, thank you for being there. Thank you Allie for being there too :)
I get 4 to 5 hours of really sound and fantastic sleep a night (HRT has given me sound sleep too). When I awake my mind does not have the daily distractions of work, science, family and daily problems; I am present with my identity. The feelings get overwhelming and I am stuck in the past in a loop of I should have done xyz. I cry and wish, then off to feed the animals, shower and then work. The past few days has been different, I think of the change to be and I am excited. Somehow, the past is a little more distant and I want to do something about it, more than therapy, HRT, growing my hair, shaving, panties and trainer bra. I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel alive.
I need to find out the costs with deductibles (which is high), and out of and in network co-pay costs. I have a feeling I will need to go slow due to costs being so high in the USA and the difference in Korea and Thailand may be small. In which case that would not be great. For example therapy is now covered 60%, which is great but surgeries here may be double Thailand and Korea so it may be cost equal.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on December 14, 2013, 05:42:54 AM
Cynthialee, thank you for being there. Thank you Allie for being there too :)
There is no need to thank me :icon_redface:
The strength and perseverance you have shown while facing such an almost impossible task, it has been inspirational with my transition. When I began transition, I never thought that I would get through my self-loathing and guilt. Once again I will just say what we go through is very simular albiet different.
The honesty and detail of your posts Cynthia Michelle are incredible, this really is all you!!
I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:
My therapist called me from the balcony 15 minutes early. I was sitting with 5 Tgirl's in their 20's just listening and enjoying the conversation. My Alison looked stressed, was shoulder heavy and had a forced smile. She was wearing a black dress and no polish or big earrings. We sat and she started. She said she had some bad news and that she was going to stop working and seeing patients the end of January and that she could see me 6 more times (including today). I was in shock; finally asking if she was ok. Then saying I hope she was getting a promotion. She said she needed to work somewhere where the had benefits, she was doing therapy for 7 years and needed to do something else. She needed to unplug.
My thoughts were I hope her spouse and her did not split. Then to perhaps she wants to go back to school and get her doctorate. Her Mom and Sister are MD's.
Needless to say I thought of her, her physical, her marital stability. Then hoped she was going to school.
I felt soooooo alone. I thanked her for her help and recounted our first phone conversation. I was a mess.
She said she has several fantastic referrals and some are trans ( she has a trans husband) and that we will review later.
She said the change may be good. I feel I have lost a lot. I feel lost.
this is a good thing in the grand scheme
the silver lining to this cloud is that it is actually a good idea to change up therapists after you have come to the limits of where they can help you
A new therapist can help bring new perspectives and outlooks.
:)
:icon_hug:
Thanks and Hugs, Cynthialee,
I am seeing the positives. I was thinking of having Alison list 5 referrals and rate them 1-5 for what she thinks will fit best, help me grow and get out of my shell.
Last night sucked but today seams ok. I accept the next phase and am looking forward to it. Ok, I am a bit anxious to change now. I think Tuesday when we meet again I want to work on the list and getting Alison's perspective of me, my present and future.
We will keep in touch and I had shared a pic of what I will look like in the future. When I get there I will send her a side by side.
I shared with her my deepest darkest secrets. I gave my pain a voice and she listened and witnessed,
I look forward to Tuesday and ending one chapter and beginning a new. :)
I went to therapy today and we discussed:
1) I did not sleep last night and had reduced (more than normal) sleep during the week. I was an little shakey, felt queasy ( not sick) and was on the verge of tears. Why, I felt alone. Like I was going to be put out with no one to help. I had fought this year for my identity, although I am only beginning my journey. I asked for help and got it. I informed the most influential persons in my life of my identity and now I am developing limits to others trespasses and expressing myself on those limit. I am not going to go backwards but how to go on.
2) Alison will provide 4 therapists contacts next meeting for me to research. A Director of the Woman's Center and a FTM therapist. Hum, this sounds good. There will be 4 great choices and I am nervous but excited. I hope the my 1st choice will take me in.
3) Future, procedures, what and when were reviewed and well as other activities and milestones. General thoughts.
4) Went through the Patient portal at mazzoni to request an additional script to be added to my existing (Fin, AA and E) for dutasteride. I stated why.
5) I told Alison I thought of her as a friend and associated my new identity with her, intertwined. I know this is not reality but it is what occurred. I did not realize I linked the two until she said she was leaving therapy and unplugging. I was so dependent on her strength and help and now realize it all must come from me.
6) I said I am getting my ears pierced May 28, 2014, 1 year HRT birthday. I am going to group in the new year, January.
7) Funny, I guess. I messed up at the Company Christmas party. My boss went to bat for a system our Department needs and it had a flaw. He went to another of his Departments (he has 4 Departments) and made what was said to be impossible happen. He is really extraordinary and an outlier. Ok, I said to him (twice) across the room (when he explained out loud across the room what happened and what was said about me. I was criticized and untruths said about my agreement on the design, I share information and provide documentation to my boss so he knows the other team were not truthful :) ) I said I love you for that. He was totally surprised as well as others. What did I just say? It just came out and I kept on going like nothing happened.
Keep in there hun.
It is a good thing you are moving on to a new therapist. Go with the FTM therapist if he is a good fit. A trans* therapist will understand your personal issues better than a cis therapist ever will.
Hi Cynthia,
I read your entire thread last night. Thank you for sharing.
You are strong, you are evolving into the person you are supposed to be.
I wish for 2014 to be an even better year for you and all who are transitioning.
- Cindi
Thanks Cynthialee and Cindi Lane, hugs
I definitely am going to pursue the FTM therapist. She uses the same techniques and follows the same philosophy as my current therapist. I think he would definitely understand trans* issues. I see my therapist Friday and I intend to call him during the session and set up an appointment. Perhaps 2 weeks from now will be our last session with Alison. I will miss William Way as it has provided me a great place to experience growing my identity. Although the Woman's Center may be even better, who knows and I am looking forward to it.
So far this experience have been a real awakening. I realize now I value my trans* identity. I desire to align myself and can not wait.
Hi Cynthia,
I was very fortunate in finding an experienced therapist that had been through transition (FTM in his case).
His insight and compassion were just what I needed.
I was sad when he retired his patient practice, yet was happy that he is continuing his mentoring and training of other therapists in transgender counseling.
Hugs
-Cindi
I was supposed to see my therapist today but got rescheduled to Tuesday due to snow. She e-mailed 4 therapists to check out and I left a message for the therapist who is FTM. He is Alison's first choice recommendation and the director of the Woman's Therapy Center in Philadelphia.
I would like to review a recent incident which I will review with Alison Tuesday. I did not want to bring it up earlier as I was processing the events and was a bit numb. Plus with NYD I did not want to bring down the festive mood.
New Years Eve my daughter was staying over a friend's house. My wife and I went to bed at 10:30. I had taken a Cialis earlier and we were cuddling. My wife noticed stubble and said She could not do this and screamed at me, " you are a freak" and she left the bed room.
We had a 4 and 1/2 hour discussion where every aspect of my identity was shred. She wants me at base zero, no HRT, short hair, short nails, no shaving, no procedures, no dressing, no bra, no panties, nothing. We discussed divorce and the net effect on me. I only have her and my daughter and I love them.
I told her she never sympathized with ever about being Trans*. I never did disclosed the trauma, the incest, sexual abuse or physical abuse (I never will disclose to her those aspects of me). I never disclosed my gay past to her either. But still, come on. She said she was hurt and wants a man, the man she married, as the reason for the continuous hostility.
I expressed I did not like it when she and our daughter made fun of me and said things like gayeeee, fag and freak and other stuff that is just really uncalled for.
I said I was in the process of finding a new therapist and needed to concentrate on that then I would make a list of every aspect I want and want to do and check off what is non-negotiable and not wanted. Then she would know what I plan and if she can accept me.
I told her hair and HRT are off limits from jump. I said I would have a moratorium for now on shaving ( 4.5 hours and she wanted something).
I was calm and stood my ground.
Divorce would suck and I would be very depressed. I might lose myself. Although, for some reason I am calm and want my Identity.
For what it is worth:
I have noticed over the years that those girls who's wife and they split the sheets and the TS woman has to move on seem to transition in some ways more complete than those of us who keep their spousal relationship.
I say this as a woman who remained in her pre-transition marriage.
I can see in my own life a number of ways how remaining in my relationship has stifled my personal growth and complete transition. I am ok with that. But I do sometimes wonder what kind of woman I would have become if I had gone through the crucible that I have seen other TS girls go through.
Seems that by completely cutting ties to the old male life, it affords a chance for the TS woman to truly grow into the person she is meant to be without any outside interference.
Hey Cynthia, so sorry to hear that things with the wife have taken such a serious turn for the worse. It seems, from what you've said, that she has already made up her mind and drawn a line in the sand. She's had a year to try to learn, to talk to you, to try to understand, but so far, doesn't seem to have really tried, or if she has, isn't willing to accept it. Unfortunately, it seems you are in the very unenviable position of having to decide what is most important to you. On the one hand, you can do what she wants, give up all the gains you've made, but save the marriage, with the understanding that it is a strong possibility that you would develop a lot of resentment toward your wife over time, as you would be having to deny and hide who you really are, always wondering what could have been, who you could have been, never being able to express any femininity, or having to do it in secret, always worrying about being found out, since she has said she wants a man. On the other hand, you do what you need to do to be happy with yourself, to take care of your well being(physical and emotional), you continue with transition, but most likely lose the marriage. Yes, that option would be very painful and difficult, but that pain would ease with the passage of time, and you would have a chance for happiness again. It's a tough thing to face, for sure, whichever way things go, but it's a matter of figuring out what is most important to you, what is best for your well being, and what you can most live with. I do hope things improve, but I think that maybe it might be time to start preparing yourself for an eventual separation. Still, great job standing your ground, though. That must have been very difficult to do, but glad to hear you are feeling calm about it. You deserve your identity :)
I think Ducky Alexis has said it. Is the marriage already over in truth although not in word? If it is then I feel you will need to accept the pain and move on.
Cynthialee: "Seems that by completely cutting ties to the old male life, it affords a chance for the TS woman to truly grow into the person she is meant to be without any outside interference."
My wife threw me out at the first hint of cross dressing - before I was close to making the decision to transition. It set me free to find myself and make that decision.
Quote from: MaryXYX on January 04, 2014, 07:14:19 AM
I think Ducky Alexis has said it. Is the marriage already over in truth although not in word? If it is then I feel you will need to accept the pain and move on.
Very good way to word it. I was thinking something along those lines, but wasn't quite sure how to word it.
Well I do like my wording, but you did say it! My marriage was really over before I actually made the decision about my future so I understand that part.
I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:
1) Went over what happened NY eve and NT day. No way I am going off HRT and no way my hair gets cut. Biding time to get a new support person and define what I want and what I will do and share it with my wife. One thing for certain is no more bigotry directed at me is non negotiable. My wife called and has called me hurtful things. Faggot and Freak and HOMO really hurt. I was called those names by strangers in public. I called myself those names. Those names hurt and coming from her and she meant what she said and said it several times really distances me from her. I do not think I can be with her romantically again. Freak from my lover is crushing.
2) I had called the one potential therapist several times with no call back and I will move on to the next candidate.
3) Meet with an EVP who knows me for 25 years. When we were done our business, he said to me you appear happy recently. He was looking at me and was really concentrating on my face and had a puzzled look. I said I am very happy and change is good. The I said good by. He is open and gay and in the community. He definitely suspects.
4) Dropped off WPATH 7 and DSM 5 to the head of our LGBT group at work. WPATH 7 is a definite Standard Of Care opportunity at work.
5( I value my identity gains and I am not going backwards.
:icon_hug:
It is for the best. You should not go back to living a lie.
Hey Cynthia,
sucks to read that the one potential therapist didn't get back to you, but hopefully next candidate gets back to you in a timely manner. Secondly, glad to see that someone who has known you for so long has noticed such a positive change in you. Nice when someone notices such a positive change in attitude and notices when you look happier. As far as the bigotry and name calling, that is completely unacceptable from someone who is supposed to care about and love you. It is understandable she would have a hard time accepting all the changes, etc, but there are other ways to express that without being vindictive and purposely saying hurtful things. If I were in that situation, i'm not sure what i would do, but I do think that I would not ever see that person in the same light again.
On an totally separate note, I know you've been on HRT now for quite some time and was curious how that is all going so far as far as changes and what not?
Lexi
Cynthialee, hugs;
I will not go back to living in the closet. As time passes my wanting to be me grows and I think about what will change at work and how well I will handle the challenge. I really think work will go very well. I ponder my inner image and how I will present. I have so many options!
DuckyAlexis, hugs;
I am just now allowing the feelings to sink in. FREAK, I am so hurt. From one moment loving foreplay and next FREAK. I am afraid to be alone. My wife and daughter are my friends and we share so much together. I am submissive and quiet. I do the housework, always have. I read a lot, do experiments and work. I am in my own world most of the time. Intimacy with my wife is over; I do not think I could get close to her. When I meet my wife she became a friend. I will miss being close to another person and sharing the intimacy.
The 1st therapist called back and her practice is full. I called the #2 therapist and left a message.
HRT, I have only been on HRT 7 months and I expect 5 years will be needed at my age for full results.
I have had substantial mental changes. I am happy and meet challenges much easier. I am a really nice person and now I can express myself so much better and share how I feel with others. I really like other people and we can have conversations of family and holidays now and not just work and science.
I have has some typical physical changes too.
Body odor reduction, smell is more acute, calm, no chest pains now, soft skin, breast growth ( really nice breasts :) , size are small but growing steady), hair regrowth ( really started at month 3 and doing well), dry shin on hands, losing weight is tough now, body hair is very fine and beard grows very slow.
Therapy, I think a year of therapy had helped me immeasurably. I was so introverted and I was consumed with fear and guilt. I have a long way to go but I look at the world with hope instead of how to end the pain. I did several sonomic therapy sessions addressing sexual abuse and incest and I probably skip a day hear and there not thinking of the past. The events just do not have the power it use to and I think of the events and not really the emotional perspective.
HRT, therapy and a lot of work :)
Hey Cynthia,
I can totally understand the not wanting to be alone part, but in reality, do you not feel alone now in your own home, with the stance your wife has taken? I think it's totally natural to feel fear at the unknown, of the future, especially when you have invested so much time and emotions into making things what they are, and especially when any potential loses would be so big. Yes, being without a partner gets lonely, but you would eventually be able to move on and meet someone who fully accepts you for you, not thinks you a freak. As for your daughter, only you know her and how she can be and react, but I think by this point she is well aware of what is going on and maybe might be a good time to have an honest talk with her and ask her if she has any questions for you, etc and keep the lines of communication open so if you and your wife do split, you can maintain your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like you two have a good relationship overall, at least from what I've read, so at least you hve a good foundation.
sucks to hear first therapist was all full, but hopefully you hear back from the second one quickly, if you haven't already.
So glad to hear HRT has made such a great positive impact on your happiness and well being. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, but unfortunately, it will be a while before I can even make that a posibility, due to several reasons. Have you experienced many negative side effects?
Lexi
QuoteSo glad to hear HRT has made such a great positive impact on your happiness and well being. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, but unfortunately, it will be a while before I can even make that a posibility, due to several reasons. Have you experienced many negative side effects?
Spiro is a blood pressure med and a diuretic so when I first went on the med I had to pee a lot.
I lost 1 pound in 2 weeks when I think I would have lost 3 pounds pre HRT eating as healthy as I have been.
When I first went on E and AA I was so hungry and lost 15 pounds which was mostly water weight I think. The weight went right back on after a month.
I had to relearn sexual arousal and female arousal is different than the male. The female response is much more engulfing :)
I was a bit embarrassed when I told people I am trans and on HRT but each time I earned freedom and self respect.
There should be no shame in being a TS woman. There should be no shame in being a woman.
:icon_hug:
Quote from: cynthialee on January 10, 2014, 09:43:40 PM
There should be no shame in being a TS woman. There should be no shame in being a woman.
:icon_hug:
Well Said
Quote from: cynthialee on January 10, 2014, 09:43:40 PM
There should be no shame in being a TS woman. There should be no shame in being a woman.
:icon_hug:
I would say there should be no shame in being a woman, and if it's taken you some time to realise you are a woman - well congratulations for being honest about it.
The part I have difficulty with is just being a woman and forgetting about the 'T' history.
I am not ashamed anymore. I carried the shame till last year and a lot of therapy helped me immensely.
When I tell another person ( the last person was easy and the one before that was fantastic) and I get a shocked look and open mouth look, well then I feel a little embarrassed. For a few moments, which feels like an hour, it is awkward and I wonder if they will reject me.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on January 11, 2014, 10:58:37 AM
I am not ashamed anymore. I carried the shame till last year and a lot of therapy helped me immensely.
I never had therapy so I might have missed out on part of the experience. Before transition I had fear about people finding out, and the consequences, but I don't think I experienced shame.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on January 11, 2014, 10:58:37 AM
When I tell another person ( the last person was easy and the one before that was fantastic) and I get a shocked look and open mouth look, well then I feel a little embarrassed. For a few moments, which feels like an hour, it is awkward and I wonder if they will reject me.
I often feel an urge to tell people, but in situations where it isn't relevant I'm managing to resist the temptation. Do you need to tell people? Next week I shall be staying with the daughter who accepts me. I expect I'll be going to toddler groups and be introduced as the twins' Nana. That's all the other Moms need to know, and it could make things difficult for my daughter if I said more.
I went to the therapist yesterday and we discussed:
1) 2 more remaining sessions with Alison. I was contacted by a new potential therapist and scheduled an appointment next Wednesday. I see Alison next Tuesday. I am relieved that I will have a new support person potentially. I obsess on this because I can focus on my transition direction and issues associated with my transition and building my identity with support. Even with help there are a lot of destructive thoughts.
2) My wife accepted an invitation for a 2 hour family dinner with my brother's and sister's families ( I have always kept secrets and my wife does not know the extent if the issues). None of them have seen me in a year so that will create a stir. When I had long hair when I was younger my brother called me fagot and such. My brother is a lot older than me and he beat me some times and I did things. It stopped when I finally refused and I had so many bruises and fist lines on my arms and body and the neighborhood Moms asked what happened and told them about the physical stuff. It never happened again.
I practiced with Alison what to say to my brother if he called me a name, firm and direct. Also, she said I need to stand up when people (like my wife, daughter and co-workers) say things to me that are derogatory. I told her I will now and the reason I never replied or stood my ground was because I have so few family and just a few work acquaintances that I was willing to take it to not lose anyone. I am ready to lose it all now and I will be firm yet respectful.
I woke last night after 3 hours of tossing and could not get out of my mind the stuff my brother did. I was sick to my stomach and curled up. It has been on my mind all day. I just want to cancel the day of and say I am sick. I know I need to go and face them.
On another note a saw a coworker today I have not seen in 6 months. I called his name, he turned and he said he did not recognize me with the long hair and that I look different.
Another co-worker I see every day and is a friend keeps saying he does not know me any more and I am a different person. He does it with others there which is ok.
Oh, I got a 3 months supply od E and AA for $30.00 at CVS with a prescription plan. Full pill containers feel so good :)
;D
it has been quite the year for you hasn't it?
;)
@ Cynthialee,
I can not believe the year. A lot of stuff has happened and a lot of pain. But there was a huge amount of identity growth and I am proud of me, the girl and my transition. I am so happy I chose to transition. I would give a 0% chance I would be here if I did not choose to get help.
@ MaryXYZ,
I do feel the need to tell some people like my wife, HR, my Boss, Operations Manager and a co-worker and health care workers at my primary care. I do plan to come out at work because when I have a full head of hair and it is below my shoulders, my face is baby smooth, earrings and I have boobs I would feel like I am hiding in a shell. In reality people would know and coming out strong would just boost my self confidence. When I come out then I can choose voice vocal fold work and other procedures. I am transitioning at work where I have been for a long time and I do not want to leave.
If someone does not know me and I see them I will not tell them. They may guess and if asked I will disclose.
I have come to terms with what I will say to my brother if he calls me names. I will not disclose the past and only reference stopping the name calling and if he continues then to leave. I really wrestled with disclosing his actions but I forgive him and myself. I will not stand for name calling and I will be done with the situation when and if I walk out. I have no idea why I am invited to his house especially with his #1 wife there.
I called a doctor who does PRP ( platelet rich plasma) for hair stem cell stimulation. The cost is between $600 to $800. I will call back Tuesday and schedule an appointment. I am excited. The nurse asked if I have high T, I said no I do not (I was laughing inside). She did not ask how I knew I don't have high T. My T is <20 ng/dl so it is much lower than hers. She said she had the treatment and grew hair well :)
I have the dinner with my brother tomorrow. I remembered something last night ( another 3 hour night sleep), about 25 years ago Oprah had a show that was shown on prime time. It was about her experiences with sex abuse, rape and incest. There was a lot of advertising leading up to the show. My brother called the night before the show (I never watched the show) and told me the show was going to be on tomorrow and what it was about. He asked me 5 or 6 times is I wanted to say anything. Each time I said no. I was numb, herd a ringing and felt a little sick.
When I awoke last night I was dreaming the conversation, like it just happened. I had forgotten it from long ago. I guess we both have been affected by the events. I can not wait for the dinner to be over.
Funny but awkward,
Today I was at the service center, I talk to them a few times a day and they are friends. Well one on my work friends was there too. He said something about my hair and she said I was not going to cut it for another year and he made a face and said why. Then she said I was foing to get my ears pierced in May and he said, oh god no, why? I do not know you. :) :) :)
The dinner'
last night I went to my brothers for dinner. My brothers and sisters daughters are my height :) . Nice to look a girls eye to eye. Only my brother-in-law made a comment about my hair (looks like you are ready to go to Colorado for some weed). Which I just smiled and said yah.
The event was really nice. I guess my fears were just me over thinking and obsessing. I felt bad for my brother, brother-in-law and sister. My brother ( he looked really bad), had 2 vicodin an antihistamine and alcohol; brother-in-law and sister had a lot of alcohol too. My wife has 2 glasses of wine. My brother-in-law offered me a beer 3 times and each time he was told be me and my wife I am an alcoholic, no. I guess they were all to into something else to notice any changes or they just do not care. I was so surprised.
When I got home my wife was horney, the alcohol. I brought up that she called and thinks I am a freak. She said she loves me and was mad. She knows the word freak hurts me and she wanted to hurt me then but she loves me very much. She then said come on baby, lets get our freak on. We did.
I slept for 10 hours, awoke and feel like I can make this work and I am so happy I came out (a least to those I have already).
Went to the new therapist today, Elizabeth Byrne.
1) We discussed some specifics already reviewed in the past.
2) Booked February :)
3) Last session with Alison Monday :(
4) Want to see my procedure will do and not right now list next visit.
5) I told her my faults. I hide my feelings, thoughts and desires. I use defenses instead of expressing my wants and needs.
6) Wants see my list of vitamins I take, a lot.
We confirmed we will be a good fit.
That is good news.
I am sure you will do fine with this new therapist. The desire to progress on your part really pretty much cinches the deal with any competent gender therapist.
;D
So how has the world been treating you? Any changes in social reactions with strangers?
Hi Cynthialee, Hugs.
Well, I get a lot of small reactions for people who know me. Mostly comments about my hair and how long I plan to let it grow (6 inches below my shoulder). Also, I get comments about my planned ear piercings on May 28th. My Boss is always saying to stop smiling at him. People I see frequently at work I get a lot of smiles and discussion from women and some guys. Co-workers who I see casually are definitely more talkative, guys and girls. I would say friendly. Most total strainers are busy going about their lives and I did not notice anything from complete strainers.
A co-worker told me something in confidence and in private today. He said his two sons came out of the closet to he and his wife last night. I was very reassuring and offered him some great resources. We talked over 45 minutes. I wonder why he discussed it with me :)
I reviewed the list of what I want to do, how I want to present in the near term and procedures I want (all are covered through insurance). She mentioned we could do role play as though I am discussing it with my wife. I am having a major issue dealing with executing discussing what I with my wife. I have had only severe negative reactions to trans* issues.
I need to get some areas of my scalp corrected so I have a full head of hair (or much fuller). Even with this, I brushed by hair in a famine style (not back) and I can see someone emerging in the mirror :) I mean a different face looking back. I can not wait till May 28th.
Went to my last session with Alison today and we discussed:
1) All the progress I made this 1 year and a week. Acceptance, coming out to a select few, HRT and dealing with some intense traumas. I came to her with the house burnt down to the ground and fragile. She helped me survive, accept and bloom. I owe her much more than a thank you and a hug. Alison wants to see my pic when I have my look. I know what I want and I can see me clearly. I want to deliver the pic in person.
2) I went over the will do, want to do and may do items. There are two charts, one with non-insurance items and the second with insurance procedures. I need to work out how to discuss and review the lists with my wife but after it is fully vetted with Liz my new therapist. If we mesh well and I have support and great insight then I will proceed sooner, if not then I will seek out another therapist.
Sad to say good by to Alison. I had tears and some laughs today with her. I hope she finds what she is looking for.
You've made a lot of progress this past year, it seems, with Alison, but hopefully new therapist will be a good match and can continue work you started with Alison. It's always tough losing a good therapist who you mesh well with. How are your lists looking so far? And how have things been with wife and daughter lately?
Lexi
Awesome.
;D
Alison is amazing. There are reasons some people are so in tune with our issues. We had common trauma and she knows trans* inside and out. Married to a Transman, worked at Mazzoni, William Way, taught at U of P and had at one time organized the Phila. Trans Health Conference and provided health care provider credits at the PTFC. She is a wonderful caring person. Yes, difficult to replace :( .
The charts are done and printed; 1 copy went to Alison and 1 to go to Liz next week. If I can figure out how to post it I would.
Daughter, we had a conversation about her calling me names and being demeaning tonight. She said it is all in fun. I will step up pressure in measured amounts each time going forward.
Wife, I have come to the conclusion if I said I needed anything beyond current items she will have an extreme reaction. I need to practice and prepare then share the information. (The charts could be used against me in a divorce court). The next level of agency and identity will be every bit as tough and the last year but in different ways.
I am 8 months HRT and for some reason the bar keeping track of the days no longer had the meaning it once had (I removed it). I think I will be on HRT for a while maybe longer (30 years). I feel the best I have in my life or since 11.
I went to the new therapist today (2nd time). We discussed:
1) I gave her a copy of the spreadsheet defining what I will, I want and may do. It is separated by no insurance needed then insurance covered then Company covered that is not covered by insurance. All boxed offered for a MTF are marked in a box. GRS is a may do but will become will do if I separate, divorce or if we decide it is a correct action and remain married.
If I showed my wife the list she will have a melt down. Liz recommended not showing her the list and work from the list one by one. When I addressed not wanting to cause my wife pain she said what I want to do is the truth, you are not hiding and sometimes the truth hurts others. This is who you are and what you want and she needs to work out her feelings. She recommended individual and group sessions now. I think she is right. I really like this!
2) I have home work. I need to come up with three positive mantras. I was thinking something about fear, addressing those who challenge and ridicule. Any help or suggestions would be welcome. I really like this!
3) Wet over some past events.
I had a cup of coffee waiting for the session in a Starbucks at 12th and Walnut in the gayborhood. I had a dysphoric time early this morning. It is about not going through with self castration when I was very young. I was thinking of this when I was watching a teen MTF on the street. She had her belonging and was meandering. I thought what if I transitioned and ended out on the street. I would have had HIV many years ago and died. I guess seeing others helps to put things into perspective. I guess I think my issues would have ended at the castration but that is not true. My issues will end when I address them.
Hey, I no longer have GID, I am cured. I now have GD or so the insurance form says. ;D
Quote
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear - From Frank Herbert's Dune Book Series
Hugs Cynthialee,
I have that written down Dune is one of my favorites.
I think you were right. Repeating the last year in fast forward with a fresh set of eyes has shifted the transition to mine.
Cynthia Michelle I love coming back to Susan's and reading this thread. There is so much strength in you, you have overcome so many fears. At this point in my transition fear is the only thing that I am really dealing with internally, the guilt and self-loathing are done...I accept myself. Everything else is pretty much just mechanics and time. It's amazing where you have come in a year, I am so happy for you!! :eusa_clap:
It seems that your wife is more accepting. I have found that there are not very many support groups for spouses. Sometimes my wife needs to talk to someone and there just isn't anyone where she can have that face to face conversation. There are online groups but it isn't what she's looking for. Seems many spouses just don't stick around.
May 28th is that your full time date??
Cynthia,
I can relate so much to everything you say. Seems I am just a few steps behind you.
My wife had a meltdown this morning... has to do with my son finding out someday.. my wife is still hoping I will somehow change my mind about transition.
I have decided best not to talk about it anymore with her unless she wants to.. we both just get upset and end up crying..
She won't kiss me on the lips anymore.. says I am to feminine now..and that my lips feel like girl lips.. too soft.. that really caught me off guard.
Also sex is out now she says she is no longer attracted to me at all but still loves me.. so I see where this is going. Not that I have much sex drive but damn do I love to cuddle a lot...its weird.
I appreciate you posts... I missed my therapy last week because of weather and I really needed to go and was looking forward to it so to read something I can relate to so closely really helps.. so thank you..so much
Carrie
Hugs, Allie and Carrie,
Allie, my therapy home work (the new therapist gives home work to be completed between sessions. I have a signed agreement and need to do the home work or risk ending therapy) was to come up with three mantras for Tuesday. There are to be what are my greatest present concerns. Here you go:
Mantras
CJ 2-8-2014
I am not afraid of my truth anymore and I will not omit pieces of me to make you comfortable.
I am transgender and I am doing what makes me feel right to the extent I want.
Gender is something I will not compromise; I am Loving, Caring, and Female.
My first mantra is about fear. I think beating fear for me may be my #1 objective. May 28th is my 1 year HRT. I will get my ears pierced to celebrate. I had intended to come out fully but at the 8 month mark I just need to do so much to be comfortable and feel pretty or at least decent. I had intended that date to fully come out but I think I will postpone. My next hurdle is disclosing to my wife what I am going to do in the near term. New Years eve and day I told her what I wanted but she expressed she did not want me to do it. I said I am not asking permission and I said I will put things on hold till I have the new therapist as this is a lot to handle. I think I will need to make a choice. I have three options. I want to live for me.
Carrie, I feel I will end up divorced. In 23 years I have known my wife she never kissed me goodnight. I always kissed her. The kiss has no response from her and I feel like she is tolerating the kiss. When we had sex 3 weeks ago (had been about 5 weeks before that) she said she has to concentrate to not touch my upper chest or breasts. She also said sometimes during sex the thoughts of my breast creep in and it is a turn off. The comments are pretty crushing. We love each other. I am at fault for the mess and honestly believe she just is not able to be with a Trans* although she is trying. I have a low sex drive and I do not have a sex drive for hetero sex. I do comply for her and use my imagination.
Went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) We finalized the mantras:
Mantras
CJ 2-11-2014
I embrace my gender.
I embrace my truth.
I am a whole person.
I deserve respect.
I am transgender.
My mind and body are aligned.
I am loving, caring and female.
I have a lot of confidence in myself.
2) Record what I dream or think as as I awake in a journal.
3) Seek couples therapy now. I need to ask my wife if we can or if she wants to go. ( did that tonight and the answer is yes)
4) Define what I want to do.
Went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) went over the mantras.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi956.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fae50%2FAR15HKMP5-9MM%2FtransMantras.jpg%3Ft%3D1392859614&hash=a7f6705b9976efc0c7280504bed3bccffefdf254)
2) went over supplement spreadsheet. I will show this to the PA during my 6 month visit next week.
3) Went over the procedure spreadsheet and a few I have time lines and are in progress. Had Rachel Ann on the spread sheet as well as Cynthia Michelle. I told her My wife and I had a discussion Tuesday about procedure and there is a line in the sand beyond HTR and long hair that if crossed is divorce. I said My wife agreed to marriage counseling and my therapist gave me 2 names and number of councilors near my wife's work.
4) Went over Dreams diary. The night of the discussion with my wife I dreamt I was standing on the edge of the 90 foot bridge ( did that a bunch of times way in the past). It was very vivid like I was there again. One dream I was watching someone hang (not me) but that day I saw an accident victim on I95 being covered on my way to work. Last night I dreamt I had FFS and was beautiful. I still have that image in my mind (emotional). I had a few dreams work related.
5) I went into my sexuality and how I first thought I was gay and had a boyfriend for 4 years in high school. Then some guys in college I picked up for service sex. The my 7 year celibacy and life 180 degree opposite. Then I meet my wife and I thought I could be BI and had infrequent sex. We had a 3 years dry spell and then reunited monthly when my wife gave me the signal. I told her if I was to separate I would be celibate for the rest of my life( sad). The therapist asked if my wife had a male friend and I said yes and that about every 3 months they have lunch. She asked if they were having sex would I get upset. I told her I had thought about that and as long as my wife loved me I would be ok with that. She then asked if my wife needed male interaction over some schedule would I accept that and I said yes. I had already had those thoughts. How thin a slice I am willing to go I do not know.
Went for my 6 month check up today.
1) Got my E upped provided I promised not to smoke. I am strait edge and the promise was not a problem. He knows but I guess he just wanted to make sure.
2) Got my blood tested.
3) Went over my supplement spreadsheet. Turns out he is a health nut too and we discussed vitamins. He suggested cottage cheese because I do not eat a lot of meet and creatine tastes very bitter .
4) Went over my time line chart. Schedule a PRP hair treatment and reviewed what that is.
5) Went over the new therapist, wife's line in the sand and the marriage counseling I will be setting up. He said I should do it today.
6) Went over melanin enhancer for laser ( I have a lot of gray). I sent him a link. He said I should schedule for laser. I said after the PRP.
7) Dusty makes me feel welcomed and a whole person. He definitely is amazing.
Thank you for an update. I was starting to wonder how you were getting along.
Hi Cynthialee, hugs, how have you been? I have not seen you here much.
Went to the therapist today:
I have been working on building my ability to respond to my wife's comments in a supportive way and not addressing the base comments, which is anger and fear of me being trans, in transition and wanting alignment.
My 1st choice marriage counselor called today and said she if full. I will try the next person tomorrow. The person needs to be recommended, near my wife's work, T very friendly but not presenting and female. I want a support for my wife and someone who can see me for myself.
I went to the therapist today and we went over my health care visit, some suggestions on framing and saying supportive responses to anger and fear and marriage counseling and what to expect.
I spoke to Liz that when I went to Mazzoni yesterday I worked up the courage to finally ask about a karyotype test. My voice cracked and I felt a lot of heat. Dusty asked why would it matter and I responded there are a dozen conditions that have higher probability due to the condition ( I named the conditions) and knowing is important. If I have the condition I suspect it is type 1 and would have no bearing on who I am. Dusty said they do not do the test and insurance would not cover it. I will ask so people at work about the test and where to get it.
I typically only log on to Susans to see if anyone has posted to any of the posts I have been following for the past few years. If there are no new posts I move on to other pastures.
Susans was integral to my survival in the early part of my transition and if not for this place I may not be here. So I try and check in every once and awhile. But I have transitioned and I live a pretty normal and uninteresting life.
I stay home most days, hanging out with my dogs and cats. Watch the tube and check up on a number of various social media sites I am on. Then the house gets cleaned and when Sevan is not at work I prepare meals. I live a typical 50's housewife existence. And to be honest...I love it. It is not the life for many, but I enjoy it. Keeping my spouse and house clean and maintained is my work. Pretty good work if you can get it.
I went to the therapist today and went to Locust Street instead of Chestnut Hill. I forgot Tuesdays she is in Chestnut Hill and my usual day is Wednesday. So we did a phone session as I sat in my car in a corner parking lot and we discussed:
1) I went over my #2-#4 marriage counselors. The #2 is awesome ( #1 was not taking new patients and she referenced #2 and #3). She specializes in LGBT who come out in a heterosexual marriage and sexual therapies. Liz wanted me to call her after the session and I did. I left a message.
2) In the past Liz had asked what did I want to do. I told her in the past but today I told her what I wanted and in great detail and why. Over the cell I could give detail and why that I could not face to face. From my perspective I want reasonable changes.
3) I told her I am doing PRP hair restoration and my wife said she would divorce me if I did anything. I told her I got my 4 tattoos in secret because I did not want to be told no. My body right. The tattoos and their locations are of extreme importance to me; they protect me. I see their power and beauty and I am protected. When I showed my wife the tattoos she was very unhappy. I could not tell her why I got them, I just could not. I can not tell her of my past either. Too many secrets and the weight is heavy.
OMG Cynthia I was thinking about getting a tattoo also.. been thinking about it a lot.
I told my wife and she was not happy about it at all.
She is seeing a therapist tomorrow ..thank God...
I seem to be acting too girly and that along with my appearance changing so much she is having a hard time.. My voice inflections are totally different she says I talk like a girl now and act like a girl.. I just don't see it really!!
Told me this morning the old me was completely gone.
So I am going to try to act more business like around her. Will talk to my therapist about that.
I really had no idea HRT would allow me to be so free but I feel so good I just go with it.
Your posts continue to amaze me.. I really appreciate you sharing so much.....it has really helped me...
Take care,
Carrie
Thank you Carrie for the kind words, hugs. I think HRT is definitely freeing.
I went to the therapist today and we reviewed a few items that came up since our last session.
1) I will need to reschedule the PRP appointment. I showed up for the procedure and the Doctor did not enter me into the time slot. Disappointing but correctable. I will call tomorrow.
2) My wife and I had a disagreement and she went to take off my glasses and by accident hit my face and scratched my far head.
3) I went over that I think my boss is a bit anxious. I think he thinks I am on a fixed schedule and from what I said last May I am getting closer to the 1 year mark at which time I said I may come out and change my name and dress. I am not on a fixed schedule and hoped I HRT would have done more. So I am coming out when it is time. I know that after 9 months it is a matter of time.
4) I told her how and ER Doc and I were on an elevator. He looked at me very closely and stared. I felt uneasy and self conscious. His stop came and he got off the elevator. He never said anything but I say a puzzled face.
Cynthia,
Sorry to hear about the incident with wife and also sucks about your appointment, but at least that is reschedulable. So have things with the wife continued to deteriorate, or have they improved any, or stayed pretty much the same as they have been for the past several months?
Lexi
I altered #2. She basically assaulted me. She has done it before and will do it again. She was being very disrespectful and I said I deserve respect. This repeated several times then FU's exchanged and then she scratched my face and threw my glasses. I was driving on I95 at the time.
My wife has been depressed about her job, daughter, animals, house and weight. Now she has me being trans* to add to the list. I suggested her going to a Psychologist to help which was dismissed. I spoke to my therapist and got another marriage counselor lead. The last 2 LGBT female non presenting counselors were booked up. I will try another tomorrow.
I would say things are the same.
One of the things we should never tolerate is physical abuse. The fact that she assaulted you when you were driving is a major red flag. She put both of your lives at risk.
Please consider moving on or at least a separation.
Just because your abuser is a female is no excuse. That you are 'changing everything' is no excuse. You deserve better than that.
There therapist had some good points to share about the event. I expressed agency, I said I deserve respect ( part of my mantra) and stood my ground. I repeated this every time she made fun of me. I kept cool and acted in an adult way, except for the FU. The therapist asked if I wanted to get away and I went into detail about how I was when I meet my wife and how I am now. I never believed in love but I have a person I love and have shared 23 years with and had some good times. I had maybe 1 year left prior to meeting her due to alcohol and drugs. I can not go into bars. I have not seen those I use to drink with for 15 years. When my wife occasionally drinks wine with dinner when we go out I stare at it and it is really hard to stay away. I have so far.
The last time I said I would leave and not come back. When it happened I said I wanted a divorce. She said it is a relief. I later apologized for saying FU to her and that I did not mean it when I said I wanted a divorce and that I love her. She refused to apologize for saying FU and for scratching my face.
I asked her what should I tell people at work? No response.
I never hit her nor anyone in my life except my brother when I was really young and it was in self defense, he is 6.25 years older and is a really bad person, then and now.
I have been thinking about life alone and what that would mean. Where I would live would be the gayborhood. I would rent a small apartment. I work really close to the gayborhood, 10 minutes in rush hour. I do not know, but I think it would not go well. I was stopped at a red light outside Woodie's ( gay bar) where I use to go and if I lived in the hood there are so many tempting places to go.
I used to have some pretty unsavory habits. I have found though that since I have transitioned and went full time those old bad habits have no draw for me as they were crutches for GID.
How did the rest of the week go for you at home? What did you end up telling coworkers as to how you got the scratches? and did she ever apologize?
HuckyAlexis Hugs,
Thanks for asking.
Last week was bad from Wednesday and got progressively better. I was hurt about the lack of an apology. I felt immensely guilty and bad about the event that took place. I was standing my ground respectfully until she said FU and I reciprocated with FU. I should have know better. Now that I have had time to reflect I acted mature (minus the FU). I did not escalate or get "even" (thanks HRT and self acceptance) and I stood my ground. One of my mantras is, "I deserve respect". I weathered much worse than this in the past :)
I told people I scratched my face removing a branch from the roof. It looked like nail scratches but only 2 people outright said something. I blocked them out and just continued on.
My wife and I are getting along. She said several times this week that she loves me. I have another marriage counselor lined up and I will call tomorrow and see if she has an opening.
I am going to reschedule the PRP tomorrow too.
My daughter (does not know) and I went for a walk yesterday, The wind was bad and blew her and my hair around. When we got back she said to my wife I have >-bleeped-< hair. My wife said what and she repeated. When my daughter went to get changed (going shopping with my wife) my wife and I said did you hear what she said and we smiled and my wife asked (2 times) if I wanted a bra and she would pick one up. I just looked at her speechless. Next time I will say yes. ( she does not know I wear a sports bra most of the time)
What you are going thru is tough. I've been there a time or two long long ago.
Try to move on safely if you can is my only advise. Very few wifes accept a man they married wanting to change his gender.
If I were a cis woman & married a man it would bother me. Try to see the problem from her viewpoint.
Just my little advise & good luck obviously.
Hi Cynthia,
I am in more or less same situation with you. I am 46, started HRT 3 months ago without anyone knowing (i live in the country where MTF therapist is rare, and not necessary to get on HRT.) I came out to my wife. At first, she laugh at me, and then she cried. It has been 4-5 months already since I came out to her. We still live together, she still expected me to change my mind even though I told her it is 100% clear to my mind that I want to become a woman.
I am in fear of losing my family too because it is an extended family where her parents and cousins have much influential on her.
I am glad to see people with the same worries as me. I hope you will pass this moment nicely. And I think the best way is to let her know the big picture first, and then going into details when having a chance or when asked. This process would take sometimes. for her to fully understand.
Hugs,
Jemina
Hugs FrancisAnn and Jeminajay,
FrancisAnn, I understand she has an image of who she married and I am changing the image. I caused the issue because I could not face who I am and I deceived her, regardless of the reason. I need to hold my ground but be mindful of the event unfolding and have the discipline to pull back and deescalate. Sorry to hear you have had the same situation.
Jeminajay, I hope you do well with your situation too. I am not going off HRT or becoming un trans*. She does not know that in 3 years I will look more like her older taller sister than her husband. I have made agreements to not present, wear makeup or cloths or do any procedures until I give her the whole end state. I put off the eventual showdown to gain support for myself and her. I want procedures and to express in some fashion (jeans, tops and jackets, nothing too flashy). It took about a year to accept and then embrace my truth and my gender. I would say it took 6-8 months to recover mentally from 2 successive days with close calls with fate. I am giving her time to adjust and for me to benefit from HRT, although the time is drawing closer.
Your journey is your own, but in the sharing of it, it has become our journey in a way also.
This thread has become a great tool for not only you, but a number of other women who have piped up and said something on this thread.
I wonder how many silent unknown women you are also helping?
You keep rocking on hun.
Proud of you in so many ways.
hugz
Quote from: cynthialee on March 19, 2014, 12:16:38 PM
Your journey is your own, but in the sharing of it, it has become our journey in a way also.
This thread has become a great tool for not only you, but a number of other women who have piped up and said something on this thread.
I wonder how many silent unknown women you are also helping?
You keep rocking on hun.
Proud of you in so many ways.
hugz
Agreed 110%. I've been quietly following this thread since day one. Although I'm pretty far along in my own journey, I still remember the days when I was too frightened to even create an account here. For years I gained so much by staying in the shadows and simply reading others stories and experiences. It was also reading those accounts that inspired me to face my own fears and take those first steps.
Cynthialee and ErinM, thank you for the kind words. Susan's Place and the wonderful people here helped me so much. Without all of the wonderful brothers and sisters here I never would have made it to intake. I am pretty happy with how things are going and with my transition, yet ever so slow.
Went to therapy today and we discussed:
I reschedule my hair PRP treatment for Monday. I will call Friday to confirm so I do not miss a day of work for nothing.
Ok, I shared how I really feel about sex and with whom. I can have sex with my wife but I fantasies I am female and with a guy ( have yet to have sex with her in 2014). I have a crush on a guy and I think he is so cute. I would never cheat but would explore my options if I was in an open marriage. My wife has interested past boyfriends from college and if they satisfied her needs then I would want her to be happy. Went over how to frame the conversation.
Went over a pair I jean I will be ordering, need some panties too and a few sports bras and a rash guard (black).
Went over past risky behaviors and current good practices, just in case.
Ok this is between just you, me and the hordes who are sure to read this thread:
Perhaps you could ask your spouse is she would mind if you imagined you two were switching bodies during sex.
It is an honest way to approach what is an otherwise unhealthy thing some of us MTF tend to do when we are 'involved' with a female. If it is above board and known where you are taking your mind during sex, then there is no deception or unhealthy vicarious living.
Quote from: cynthialee on March 19, 2014, 11:24:59 PM
Ok this is between just you, me and the hordes who are sure to read this thread:
Perhaps you could ask your spouse is she would mind if you imagined you two were switching bodies during sex.
It is an honest way to approach what is an otherwise unhealthy thing some of us MTF tend to do when we are 'involved' with a female. If it is above board and known where you are taking your mind during sex, then there is no deception or unhealthy vicarious living.
Exactly, my wife and I had sex sometimes these day. I am not much interested anymore but it is just a way to please her.
I imagined that I were a woman and she were a man. But I dare not to tell her my real desire (for both to pretend the opposite role). So I had it with a male sex expression, against the imagination as a woman. It is hard feeling. but it is okay.
When she was out of town, I was alone and put on make up and dress (as much as I can find). Then, before going to bed, I masturbated with imagination and expression as a woman. I found it much more happier than making love with her. This is good for temporary.
This is what we (you and me) are suffering from not being able to be our own self. We want to take a journey to please ourselves. And day, dream may become true.
Cynthialee, thanks for the reply, hugs. I would love to give it a try. I seen myself as a woman since I first masturbated, been with my first boyfriend, hookups and my wife. I wonder if she could or would imagine herself is a guy. I am fine seeing myself as a female during sex. The issues is after when reality crashes in I am let down and sad, sometime a few tears if I think of the lost opportunities.
Jeminajay, thanks for the reply, hugs. I have taken the red pill and I see glimpses of the future but return to the present. I am trying to understand or figure out how to have both. Sexual expression with another, for me, has always been about connecting and feeling the other person as myself. Orgasm has signaled the end of being me and returning back to his body.
I went for a hair PRP treatment 2 weeks ago and there was a scheduling mix-up so I made an appointment for yesterday. Waited 1.5 hours in the waiting room. The nurse called out sick. I went in and the MD could not get a vein to produce. He tried several veins (6) and popped one. I will reschedule again. I realize I was dehydrated again. I am drinking a lot more and eating salt (my sodium was on the low point and potassium was at the high mark when I last gave blood last month. On a side note I have significant hair regrowth so I know PRP will get me to where I want to be. :)
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) What to say to my daughter to address her comments (>-bleeped-< hair 2 times last week and my breasts this week 3 times). I promised my wife I would not come out to her. So I intend to (in front of my wife) say, Is there something you are trying to say or ask me?"
2) I found a marriage counselor I thought would be great for us and I asked if she will go with me (said she would in the past). She said no. She said what good would it do and what process would she do to bring back my husband. I said it would be a neutral space for us to discuss my transition and answer her question how far do I want to go. She said no. If I do anything we are over. She told me to ask my therapist what process will be used and how will it cure me.
3) My therapist said she is angry and a marriage counselor is a neutral person that would allow her to express how she feels and what she wants without directing the anger at me. She also said she did not construct the marriage situation we are in and she is angry. So what do you do. Destruct it and build a new. A) Divorce, B) separate, C) stay together and be supportive but have arrangements to satisfy one's needs or D) Compromise. This way whatever we choose it is out construct and not thrown on either of us.
Going to therapy is helping to address the piles of desires I put on hold or put aside. There are a lot of issues and a lot of self growth. With the work comes pain and joy, and yet feels good afterwards.
Today was one of those days.
1) I was doing a shift turnover and a person in the other room started talking in a high pitch and making fun. I came out into the room and he stopped and the staff laughed about 10 present.
2) Notice came to RSVP for a Work Pride meeting, I RSVP'd. The last (1st meeting I went to) meeting my heart raced the whole time and I was uncomfortable.
3) I volunteered to represent the LGBT group in the lobby one of our buildings with Linda Hawkins. I could not give up the chance to be with her for an hour. So after Wednesday I will be out as LGBT. I have not cut my hair for 13.5 months and I look different from a year ago. I e-mailed my boss to let him know and ask if he had objection.
4) I did what I thought I needed to do in a employee issue but embarrassed my Operations Manager. We discussed issues. I apologized but he was really hurt and kept up repeating the issue and I ended up crying. I am so embarrassed.
Today really was not great and next week will get worse. I have has a head ach all day and feel like I am so exposed.
You are a great role model and you will weather this storm like you have the ones in the past:
With style and grace.
These constant headaches worry me hun. Every time you are in a stress or worry situation you get hit with headaches.
Have you brought this up with your primary care physician?
Hugs Cynthialee,
I will mention the headaches next time I go in June. My operations manager thinks I am trying to push him out. I worked with him for 26 years and he is as close. I told him everything except directly the sexual abuse and harder chemical abuse. We are both alcoholics an support each other. He is hurt by what I did and I apologized many times to no avail. I got him some special African red tea in a hand painted container that supports women and children 100%. I hope he accepts it. He means more to me than he knows.
I had the control room incident, difficulty with my wife, my daughter that calls me gay and fag and one other incident last week. The dreaded elevator fear came true. My boss, corporate Lawyer and Research head get on the elevator. I have know the Lawyer and Research head for 20 plus years. My boss talked to me but the other two had dead pan faces. I smiled and said hi and looked them in the eyes. Still no response.
I responded to the Pride at work e-mail because if someone is going to treat me like I am crap or not there I decided to stand up and face the fear. I did not reply to the Pride e-mail earlier and Friday was the last day to respond.
Busy day!
I was in the lobby of a high rise building at work representing Pride at work, distributing pamphlets and taking e-mail address of those who want to join (150 membership). I saw a lot of people I work with, people in my department, Senior Administration and contractors. I am out as LGBT as of today. I spent 1 hour with Linda Hawkins who was there with me. She teaches the counselors at Mazzoni how to treat trans* kids, is a former director at the Attic in Philadelphia, teaches counselors at William Way and does wonderful work where we are employed. I came out to her and shared my chosen name and that I go to Mazzoni, Also, my past counselor is her associate and I asked her to pass along a hello. My gender therapist and I went over answering tomorrows question of why and "am I gay". A lot of coworkers looked at me and stared. They did not make eye contact and avoided me. The Chief Financial Officer, I know and communicate with ignored me, wow. I felt like I was invisible to the people I know. The shirt I wore was repeating pattern striped, white bordered by pink bordered by thin blue or the trans flag. I had on a blue navigation tie scene and blue pants.
Meet with my gender therapist went over the above and some additional items.
Rescheduled my PRP treatment,
Discussed hair (where to get it styled when it is time) and jeans type and how to address my wife when they come in the mail.
Went over what an open marriage would look like. She asked if I would seek out a new partner. I said I would and I told her where I would look for love and the type of guy I find desirable. Also, I would look for companionship and love above sex. I shared that I view sex with guys different now than when I was younger.
:)
Thank you once again for the continuing updates of your transition.
hugz and luv
Cynthialee, Hugs and thank you.
This past week has been rough.
I went to therapy today and we discussed:
Saturday and Sunday my wife was blaming me for her having nothing to look forward to for the rest of her life. She went on for two days about how I did this to her and wanted guarantees I will not become more feminine . I kept reiterating she needs to go to therapy. Finally, she said, if it was me I could not live with myself.
I sat across from her and said here are the options:
I could kill myself,
we could divorce,
we could separate,
we could live as friends,
we could live as lovers,
we could live in an open marriage, pick one. She said live as lovers. She said if we divorce she will take everything including my daughter (she does not understand how much an identity is worth and the ability to be yourself). She agreed to see a therapist and the next day made an appointment.
I told her I want my ears pierced for my birth day, want levis 512 jeans and more panties and sports bras. She was very upset. I told her she has no right to forbid me from coming out from my sister, brother and child. She said go ahead. She told my daughter about wanting pierced ears and my daughter called me a fagot for that and fitted jeans. She said to never be around her in public including or her eventual wedding if I get pierced ears. She wanted to go on more but I told her to stop.
I asked my daughter today if she had any questions she would like to ask me and she said no.
I walked out of the PRP doctors office today with no treatment, I was 2.5 hour waiting when he said to reschedule. 3rd time there was an issue so I will go to another place.
My therapist suggested I get Kate Bernstein's book about suicide because I use it as a coping mechanism when I feel bad.
nods
good reading recommendation from the therapist
I suggest you not only continue to pressure your wife to do therapy, your daughter is obviously sitting on some serious issues that need resolving. She needs a therapist also.
Sounds like you have had a rough couple of weeks. How have things gone since therapy earlier this week? Any progress with wifey? Daughter still giving you grief? and How are you holding up through it all?
Hugs Cynthialee, My wife is still scheduled for a session and it is on her way home from work so hopeully this will be what she needs. My daughter has gay friends at school but not close friends. I will get her some help for my daughter after my wife starts therapy and I come out ot my daughter.
Hugs Ducky, thanks for asking:
Funny, we went to the Italian market and Reading Terminal Market today. We had fun! I did not wear a bra and wore a thin shirt on purpose :) My breasts are at the point where gravity is causing them to turn down a little. there were a few looks and I just kept positive thoughts. During lunch my wife was saying how sometimes she rests her boobs on a table or desk and my daughter said she did the same (my daughter and wife are well endoweled). Then she asked me if I did that with my boobs, I said no (felt nice). Then she said you will.
Driving in the car yesterday my daughter was saying what her name is in gangster. Then she said what my wife's name would be and she replied. Then I asked what would my name be and my wife said Cynthia. 1st time she said my name. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I am reading Kate Bornsteins's book 101 reasons not to kill yourself. I identify that I am reactionary and for the longest time (not just the last 1.5 years) I wanted to freeze the world out and not do anything to help myself cope socially as myself and distance myself from people. I recognize the problem.
;D
Went to the therapist today and I reviewed:
There was a work pride meeting Monday. Sunday night I got 30 minutes sleep so I was tired at the meeting. There was a presentation on the new violence program from one of our ED docs. I was triggered. Next was a presentation on the new Transgender program. I got triggered to the point I had a migraine and wanted to throw up (I waited till I got to my car). The trigger was the protocol description for prepubescent and pubescent children.
My new therapist asked and I replied why the trans treatment program and violence program triggered me in detail. I told her. She asked if my wife and daughter knew and I said I could never tell them that or my past life. She said it is a lot to carry. In the past I did sonomic therapy and it helps with the casual thoughts but 1 hour of specific stimulus and I am defenseless. I had a bad night. Good note, I think I will become a department "safe contact person" for gender variant persons when this gets offered.
We talked about breaking the cycle of repressing what I want and taking thoughtful actions acting out what I want. She discussed power in relationships.
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) My wife's 1st therapy session is Friday and she is fighting me on going. She is resentful, hurt and angry I am Trans* and is in "panic" for what is next.
2) I reminded my boss I am off next week and he said you do not have to tell me why. I replied I am at the conference and he said oh, yes. I told my wife what he said and she said he probably thought you are getting a sex change. She then said that what everyone thinks when they find out. How do you counter something like that?
3) About done the book 101 reasons not to kill yourself. We went over a few of the things I do to cope when triggered hard (1 time in 14 months). The problem is I do not do the things I do to cope on a daily or weekly basis and there is a downward spiral to some point that breaks the spiral. I shared with her the perfect plan and that when I thought of it I realized I did not want to use it. I felt relieve I have a way out and that I chose not to use it. I never could do it and I really don't want to. I do not know why I think of it so much. I should put more effort in facing what I want. I told my therapist if my wife said go ahead and do what you want that I then would able to figure out what I need to do.
4) She asked if I will get my ears pierced on my birthday. My wife had a fit when I told her and I do not want to fight. I feel weak for not standing firm. Then there is work and that would be a big issue to, I guess. Then we talked about hair and hair removal and group. I am stuck in a life by default.
Your wife is acting like there is something inherently shameful about being a woman. Wonder if she is working on her internalized misogyny?
Or that there is something shameful in transitioning.
Both mental constructs are lies.
There is nothing shameful about being a woman or needing to transition.
It just is.
Hugs Cynthialee, she is tolerant sometimes and rejecting others. She just had her 2nd therapy session so I hope she can be welcoming in the future.
Had PRP done today :) Finally 4 try was a success!. PRP is a method to make your hair stem cells grow new stems. I will let you know how it works in a month.
Had a cell phone therapy session today. We discussed:
1) Finished the book 101 reasons to not kill yourself. Good book and I have some things I can use.
2) Went over three incidents that happened this week. 2 were on different nights when one of the people started discussing psych wards they run (for children) and what some of the kids are there for, then another person chimes in and then another. 1 incident was in a lobby when a person basically was putting down LGBT and I called him on it by asking what he meant several times (4 or 5). He stammered and could not look at me in the eyes. Ended the conversation and moved on.
3) Went over planning to go to group and new cloths buying for next week.
4) We need to revisit some stuff in the past as it is always on my mind. When I get triggered I have a bad night and think of it the next day or so. It is always there but when triggered it is front and center, for a while.
My wife and I talked last night. She told me here therapist uses a cognitive approach (replaced bad thought with alternate possibilities). She said her therapist has delt with a lot of trans* and my wife said she can not remain married if I fully transition and wear woman's clothing and that the therapist is trying to help her see divorce as a possibility. My wife does not want this. She said she could learn to accept if I wear woman's clothing in the house. No to ear piercing.
I had little sleep this week due to being away for work and when I am stressed I tend to have thoughts from my past. I told my wife about physical abuse, sexual abuse and incest when I was young. I had to get it out. I still feel guilty for what happened and I know it is not my fault. I told her some of the things my therapist and I work on; such as, looks, name calling and dealing with those who committed the acts.
I love my wife very much and she loves me. I told her she is my best friend and she said the same (emotional time together).
So this is good.
I could not sleep much last night and had thoughts of the past. I do not know why I keep going back there. There is nothing but pain there and I keep going there. I could just as easily look forward and buying some cloths and seeing how the PRP will work out.
PRP was a bit painful. My blood was withdrawn and separated. The plasma and platelets are removed and mixed with something. Then injected in a hundred or so spots then a needle gun is used to make hundreds of 1.5 mm punctures on the top of my head. I hope I grow hair.
Still here and reading.
hugz and luv hun
Thank you Cynthialee, hugs.
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) My wife and I were together this weekend.
2) My wife asked what happened to the hair on my arms. I said I did not do anything. I held my harm into the light and there was fine hair and she said, oh I can see the hair. The hair is very fine and hard to see :) .
3) I need to buy cloths and beach attire. This is my assignment for the week, shopping.
4) She asked for me to go into some detail about my early childhood issues, coming out, incest and abuse. I guess it boils down to not being able to get away, hiding, guilt and feeling dirty and that I did something wrong. Not being able to tell about the incest and being threatened and living with the person was an issue too.
5) My wife said her therapist said we should tell my daughter but she is not ready yet. Also, that if I just wore cloths at home she would be able to cope with that.
So I had a really great week but tonight I was clearing the dinner table and my wife and daughter were talking and then my wife said to me you are the only homo in the house. I did the dishes and went out for a drive. I was really hurt and I do not know if it was in connection with the incest I divulged or just a rude comment to get me upset. I am going out for a walk now. Really insensitive person unless it is about her.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on May 07, 2014, 07:38:20 PM
Thank you Cynthialee, hugs.
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) My wife and I were together this weekend.
2) My wife asked what happened to the hair on my arms. I said I did not do anything. I held my harm into the light and there was fine hair and she said, oh I can see the hair. The hair is very fine and hard to see :) .
3) I need to buy cloths and beach attire. This is my assignment for the week, shopping.
4) She asked for me to go into some detail about my early childhood issues, coming out, incest and abuse. I guess it boils down to not being able to get away, hiding, guilt and feeling dirty and that I did something wrong. Not being able to tell about the incest and being threatened and living with the person was an issue too.
5) My wife said her therapist said we should tell my daughter but she is not ready yet. Also, that if I just wore cloths at home she would be able to cope with that.
So I had a really great week but tonight I was clearing the dinner table and my wife and daughter were talking and then my wife said to me you are the only homo in the house. I did the dishes and went out for a drive. I was really hurt and I do not know if it was in connection with the incest I divulged or just a rude comment to get me upset. I am going out for a walk now. Really insensitive person unless it is about her.
Hey Cynthia,
been following your posts for a while and it seems that your daughter already knows, even if you haven't told her. Just all the comments you have shared that she has made make it sound like she already knows. As far as your wife goes, sounds like she's being really passive agressive toward you. As far as you dressing, do you think you could really handle only dressing how you want at home yet continue hiding and denying who you really are the rest of the time? Also, I am sorry to hear you have been having such a hard time with your past so much lately. I hope things start looking up soon
Thank you Alexis, hugs
My wife is passive aggressive to me and resents me for not telling her. I avoid and ignore but at some point she will need to get over it. We are slowly distancing and I am going slow.
I think my daughter knows but my wife is in denial. I really want to clear the air and level set her. The provoking comments are just that an invitation to tell her. I promised my wife I will not disclose to her until my wife is ready.
Dressing, I am going to order some cloths that I can wear at home. Work will be another issue for another day. I think the desire will grow to be aligned in time. I just need to start.
I think my past haunts me because I was a victim and though, coped, react, feel and hide like a victim. I sometimes look at the events from a distance as an adult looking on. I just can not believe what some people do to little kids. 2 of the 3 are dead. The other lives on the other side of the world. I know they can not hurt me but when certain things happen I am right there again and feel the terror and pain.
Went to the therapist Wednesday and 1st first group meeting.
Therapist
1) I feel like I am going in circles. It has just about been 1 year on hrt and I do not look any different. There have been wonderful effects but I hoped for some face changes and I see nothing. I feel let down. I have been doing a 1 year HRT review and I a feeling lost. I waited and hid and now I feel like there is a lot stacked against me. My fault, lesson follow you dreams and passion and be yourself.
I have been thinking about the future and the next year. I have dealt with a lot of issues including being trans* and coming out to some. I am just tired of constantly gong up hill. This is not easy.
2)I did PRP 5/2/2014 and am giving it 30 days to see the effect. I am hopeful. Head hair is a really a big thing to me. Prior to PRP and just the effects of HRT I would say I had a 50% hair recovery from MPB. I have hairs on the remaining 50% and some are growing.
3) Some cloths on order, some came and I need to order more.
4) 1st day on the beach will be Sunday (surfing 1st time). My and my daughters wet suites arrived and I will be on the beach and in 52 degree water. The waves are to be 3-5 feet :)
5) Started melatonin (spelling ) to pretreat for grays for face laser. Thinking July for laser.
Group
1) About 15 T-girls and trans men were present at Mazzoni Center 21 S, 12th Street in Phila. On Thursdays at 6 PM 8th floor. There was a lot of sharing and some really are dealing with some heavy stuff. I feel so bad for them. There are some strong brothers and sisters there, some scared and all trying to cope.
Reflecting on the meeting, I feel so much power coming from the meeting. I am with my own and we share and they are like me, very cool. I feel like I need to do more to be myself. I kept thinking this at the meeting.
1 year review
I love the mental effects of HRT. I have had a lot of physical changes too :) but not in my face :( . I am dealing with all the stuff I tucked away and hid all my life and that feels better however dealing with the issues is painful. I do not know where I will be next year but I know I will be on HRT, wearing gender exterior correct cloths some times and more andro clothing. My hair will be at my shoulders :). I would have had laser and I will be thinking hard about the Adam's apple. I will remain clean, sober an smoke free! I will be 180 pounds!
I was really wiped out last night. The last two weeks has been very busy and I am coping with the destiny question. If I am on a bus what stop do I get off the bus? Do I take it to the station with each stop costing more but the destiny is better, perhaps?
Sorry for the miss spellings from the earlier post.
Wow. You have certainly come a long way in a year.
You mention melatonin in reference to your grey hairs...what is the connection?
Hi Cynthialee,
It is Meladine natural melanin enhancer from Sunrise Medical supplies. It helps darken the hair root for electrolysis. I have blond, gray, red and black in my beard. So after 4-6 weeks it is supposed to help color the root black to absorb the light to kill them.
IDN, I feel like there is so much to go. I just need to set this years goals, plan and implement. :)
Went to the therapist Wednesday and we discussed:
1) My first group session. I guess the main points are everyone there are coping or trying to come to terms with being trans*, family, work, relationships and fear. I think fear is a theme. The trans men (about 1/3 of the group) are great. They had so much confidence, were direct and spoke their minds. One guy told a girl she lacked confidence and was always waiting for what someone else was going to say about her. He said you are you and F them, take control.
Only 2 girls were expressing in cloths. So, I did not feel out of place in male work cloths. That was a big fear, being rejected. I think that kept me from going to group for 6 months.
2) Some cloths came in and I need to order more. My wife asked what was in the package and I said panties and she said why do I need more I said I am missing some. She said our daughter may have them, they are black and look like her VS panties but mine came from JC Penny.
I did not go to group this week. I was emotionally drained and did not want additional stress from group. Group was fantastic but I thought about it a lot for 3 days after and I just need to get away from myself for a while. I have been thinking about the 1 year HRT mark in 5 days. Ok, obsessing on my success, disappointments, achievements and failures. I have been under a lot of stress and my mind is wondering to thinking about an escape, alcohol and drugs. I know I can not go there but the escape route keep entering my mind. Reason, the second year on HRT will have more change and I am tiring of all the lifting. Perhaps reality is sinking in that I will never awake looking like a girl and I feel trapped. I have a lot of regrets and jealousy or envy, perhaps both.
2 cool things.
Today I was getting some Chinese food at a truck and was behind a co-worker I knew for 26 years. We were chatting it up and she said she liked my longer hair :) . I am using a coconut oil and protein product and it helps tame the frizzy hair a lot. I have waves and curls and I really like it.
I can see some nice hair growth from the PRP treatment. It has been 3 weeks.
Tomorrow will be the 1 year HRT day.
My observation of your past year is simple: I am very much impressed with your approach and diligence. You are doing it right so to speak. Your therapy sessions dig deep and do not dwell on surface issues and red herrings.
I suspect that your next year will be a year of solid change and growth.
Keep up the good work hun.
hugz and luv
Thank you Cynthialee, hugs
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
Past
1) 1 year hrt birthday :)
2) looking back on all the progress and doing what seamed impossible with the help of my friends here, therapists and Mazzoni.
3) I am stable and triggered by just a few things (ok more than a few). I do not spiral for weeks until I am in chaos. I am able to get out of the spiral. Perhaps HRT or that and therapy and Susan's are the reason.
4) I no longer hate myself and some things I like about myself.
Present
1) How and where to buy cloths. She gave me some advise on cloths and where to buy them.
2) A jeweler who had hand made work and can do work who caters to the variant community.
3) Places where drag is expressed (not for me).
4) Volunteered for the Pride event at Penn's Landing in Philadelphia.
5) Got in some very colorful and pretty pattern panties. The cool thing is how I feel uplifted when I see them. Not sexual but uplifted .
Future (near term)
1) Progesterone request at my June 5th Doctors appointment.
2) Need to co-schedule a laser consultation for the same day and relative time.
3) Practice coping when seeing some triggering things at the Philly Trans Health Conference. (one of the presenters may be my niece, that would be a hoot, I planned to go to that session anyway)
I am 52 and 1 years old today (HRT). I am into the start of my second year on HRT and went to my second group session Thursday.
Perspective
I have wished I awake a girl since I was 5. When I would awake I would be sad I was male. This morning ritual thought has been with me a long time. I have been doing a lot of thinking and realize all this time I am awaking a girl but look like a boy, called a boy and feel like a girl. I am on HRT and have some success in changing how others see me and it is progressing slowly. This is like I am in a dark room and the door to outdoors has been opened 2 inches letting in some light. It definitely feels good and I want the door to open more.
Last year I was 3 days on HRT, I thought I was going to get divorced and lose my job. Suicide was on my mind a lot. Now I am still married and employed and feel so much more stable it is amazing.
What Alison told me early on in therapy, you did what you could when you could and take one day at a time rings so true.
Truth is, I look forward to being 2 next year (HRT). I think I will have nice breasts then and a hair free face. Butterflies in my tummy just typing that :)
:icon_birthday:
Thank you Cynthialee, hugs
Just had my first dose of progesterone :) :) :)
I went to the doctor today and saw Dusty, my PA. He is so beautiful. Anyway, I asked for progesterone and he said sure. In the past he said lets see. My mind was a buz and I have butterflies in my stomach. Finally, for so long I have wanted E & P and now I have it. We went over therapy, group, home and work and how I am progressing. Also, went over the Pride parade and working a booth. I also explained why it is important and that I will be part of my work community. He is so cool. My next visit is in 6 months and he said I am progressing nicely. He commented that I have had a lot of hair regrowth :) I guess you know he is exactly my type.
Wet to therapy yesterday and we reviewed:
1) The road blocks to walking the Pride parade and she help me get over my fears. Of what I do not know now but I guess fear of the unknown and being finally out in public. Where I will be walking will be prominent and that is the issue.
2) I will address my daughters fag and pussy comments to me the next time it comes up and I will explain to her the comments hurt. I wish I could tell her why but I must bide my time on that until my wife is at a place I can tell my daughter who I am and share a very light version of me with her.
3) Talked about my wife getting me fitted jeans :) and shoe shopping. Who gets dysphoric buying shoes? I thought I was going to throw up.
4) Prepped for my doctors visit and what to say if denied progesterone. (I am so glad he said yes).
5) Talked about group. I was amazed how alike we are and yet very different in group. All of us have had suicidal issues and all of us have issues with others (family others especially) and how they see us and treat us. My therapist said we are grieving what we lost and sharing the grief. Anyhow, for such a diverse group to have so much in common is scary. I guess there is some kind of energy there because it is very reassuring or just plain comforting there are people that have the same issues as me and I am not alone.
I am so much looking forward to the next year :) I am actually a little afraid and excited at the same time when I think of being more like me on the outside. I paid my fair and I do not know where the bus will stop but I am riding it.
I went to the Pride parade and helped at the Pride booth for work at Penn's Landing (Philadelphia). The parade was wonderful and very empowering.
My wife told my daughter I was going to the gay parade. I corrected her and said it is the Pride parade. My daughter asked if I was gay and I did not answer. She the asked if I was bi-sexual and I did not answer. I said all you need to know is I love you and your Mother very much and I will be home later. She then said I lied to her and I said I am sorry I lied (lie of omission).
During the parade my wife told her I am transgender. I came home and my daughter said she will not talk to me. She would want a divorce from me if a child could divorce a parent. She said when she goes to college she will never see or hear from me again. I will not be invited to her eventual wedding and she will not tell her husband she has a father. She wants my wife and her to live somewhere else.
I feel bad for her.
So sorry to read that Cynthia. Unfortunately that sort of rejection is very common, but if your daughter goes to college she will be less under the influence of your wife and might be able to come to a better understanding.
Thank you Mary, hugs
I am patient and understanding with her. Today she asked me a few questions like, do you think about it all the time? I answered yes and she said that sucks.
Next was do I like the beach? I said yes and why do you ask? She said if you lied about your gender than what else did you lie about. I deserve that I guess.
Then she said if I was a girl trapped in a man's body that would be great, guys have it easy and do not have to deal with the whole girl thing.
Followed by I think I will have some trust issues for a while.
I had some dark thoughts but was able to get out of it every time after an hour to two. So, if she accepts me and hopefully welcomes me that would make me so happy.
Her birthday is in 4 weeks and she said all she wants is for me to cut my hair 1.5 inches. That would be a huge thing for me. My hair, not perfect, is my hair and I love it. I always wanted upper back length hair. So I think I need to think about this request. Any suggestions?
Don't cut your hair, that is a typical emotional bribe request on your daughter's part. "if you do X, then I'll love and accept you" After you do X then Y is requested from you and so on and so fourth. They will keep asking you to do things or they won't love you or accept you and if you keep doing it then they'll eventually have you back into the closet being miserable as can be.
Meet in the middle sort of. Agree to a trim (helps with split ends and even growth) but more like .5 inches.
Cynthia
Daughters can be quite manipulative. When I came out to my daughter she seemed to take it in her stride. After all she is a nurse and having PCOS she certainly knows the importance of hormones. Well it was not to be. Doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't want to deal with it. Its as though we had never spoken. Very strange and a little off putting, particularly as my wife is saying that our daughter has told her that she is very upset with me and can't deal with both TG patients and a TG parent! Nice one!
Aisla
Your daughter is talking to you. "Cut your hair" is a lot better than "I'll never speak to you again". I don't know if this would work for you but one possible answer would be: "I am going to grow my hair and I am going to transition, but I'll have it trimmed now and wait a little longer". As LordKAT said, it's likely due for a trim anyway.
Thank you Megumi, lordKat, Aisla and Mary, hugs
Things were really great tonight. My wife, daughter and I went to Friday's for dinner. We had a good time and my daughter is talking to me :) :). I am so happy. During dinner my daughter said sometimes I cross my bra straps to give me more support and a different look; you may want to consider that if you get a bra. I wanted to hug her.
I was thinking about the hair and getting a slight trim. My last haircut (#2 blade) was February 2013. My tips are hitting my shoulder when wet and then curls when dry. I have 4 weeks to decide. I am hoping she will forget and then it will be my choice.
I went to Therapy on Thursday and I was feeling great. I had attended Thursday's Philly Trans Health Conference (PTHC) and I thought things were wonderful. I went home and my wife asked how the fag convention went and my daughter called me a pussy >-bleeped-< fag and kept saying, you are a man. I remained calm (on the outside) and did not explode as things continued to get worse. I went to bed but could not sleep. I had a head ach for most of the week and now it was raging.
Friday I went back to the PTHC and left at lunch. I went to Mark Anthony at 12th and Locust in the gayborhood and had 1.5 inches of hair cut. I cried all the way home. I also purchased a rope gold chain at Henri David Halloween Jewelry store ( it is on Pine and the coolest jewelry story I have ever seen). I needed something to feel better.
My wife was insistent Friday night I not have anything done even laser. :(
I ordered creatin and creatin shampoo. I will get the frizz out and I am going all out on the derma roller. I will have straight long hair.
The question in my mind is should I stay or should I go? I remember being alone for so long and although the last 23 years have had happy times I have had a lot of sad times and some really bad times. I think I will be alone if I am pushed out or leave. I do not know what is worse. Should I do as I want and push or should I be compliant? I hate my hair cut and I will be the last for 3 years. I was going to sneak laser but then I was thinking of informing her and just going from there which will mean hostility will ramp up. I am leaning to do what I need to do but I just do not know. I walk on eggshells. I stay out of the way. My life is pretty good but I feel I am not living fully and I constantly live in regret and long for it to end.
There was a seminar at the PTHC about verbal and physical violence against trans* and the abusers and why it occurs and the brain chemicals released in the abuser and target (abused). I explained this to my wife and daughter. I said my daughter was acting the same as my wife and is now threatening violence to me. My wife and daughter dismissed this and my wife said I do not hit you often.
The PTHC was fantastic. Funny story, at lunch all the Trans* pretty much go outside and many go to the Reading Terminal Market to eat. I think there are about 3000 Trans at the conference each day at around lunch time. To see so many trans own an area, free and with no fear is an amazing feeling. In the Reading Terminal Market it is very crowded and a lot of trans and it was very cool. I felt so comfortable and at ease.
One thing I love about being trans is that when we ask another trans a question in a session or related to a display (not random) we get and give real answers without hesitation, no matter how taboo in cis culture. We are connected by a commonality.
You are so inspiring to me still... I am heading to therapy in a few moments... your story about dreams is identical to mine.. ditto there.
You are truly an inspiration..
Carrie
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on May 31, 2014, 08:37:03 AM
I am 52 and 1 years old today (HRT). I am into the start of my second year on HRT and went to my second group session Thursday.
Perspective
I have wished I awake a girl since I was 5. When I would awake I would be sad I was male. This morning ritual thought has been with me a long time. I have been doing a lot of thinking and realize all this time I am awaking a girl but look like a boy, called a boy and feel like a girl. I am on HRT and have some success in changing how others see me and it is progressing slowly. This is like I am in a dark room and the door to outdoors has been opened 2 inches letting in some light. It definitely feels good and I want the door to open more.
Last year I was 3 days on HRT, I thought I was going to get divorced and lose my job. Suicide was on my mind a lot. Now I am still married and employed and feel so much more stable it is amazing.
What Alison told me early on in therapy, you did what you could when you could and take one day at a time rings so true.
Truth is, I look forward to being 2 next year (HRT). I think I will have nice breasts then and a hair free face. Butterflies in my tummy just typing that :)
Carrie thank you for the kind words, hugs.
I went to the therapist today and we discussed:
My hair cut, and how the guy next door cut a little more than 1.5 inches off, and why I did it. Also, crying for my cut when I drove home. I explained how my wife and daughter were horrible to me, verbally intimidated, implied violence and bullied me. I said I capitulated, went to the computer area (hid), had a pounding head ach, felt sick and went numb. I said Thursday I was so happy. I had not been happy for a long time then this happened. Every time something goes well it ends horribly. I wondered how long it would take to go bust. My therapist said this is a classic sign of long term depression.
We talked about my defenses. the wall, the holes, the magnetic wall and the shadows.
We discussed a gestalt method to deal with my wife and daughter. She said each time the physical and mental condition occurs it is reliving my past and how I dealt with it. (I told her when I purchased my gold necklace I was holding the hand of me as a little girl child and helping her get a necklace). We went over how to change my reaction when bullying and violence occurs, how to be in charge of my behaviors and not shut down and hide.
I am really not happy with how I react to bullying and how I make myself feel. I guess I just exist for most of the time. I think I get taken advantage of and that happens because it is better than being alone. I am starting to rethink being alone, I mean, I feel alone now most of the time.
Just caught up with the posts.
Moving right along and still inspiring others.
I did not know your wife was physically abusive. You should not have to take that. Move on!
hugz and luv
haven't seen an update in a while, just wanted to make sure you were doing ok
Thanks Cynthialee, hugs. I am working on unacceptable references (names) and not tolerating physical violence.
Thanks DuckyAlexis, hugs. I was on vacation and just went to therapy today. We discussed:
1) I am now using keratan spray and shampoo to control my frizzy hair. It works well but today it was very hot and humid so my hair had volume and my therapist commented on it. :)
2) I discussed an education opportunity with 10 operating engineers today when the discussion at shift change went to lady boys in Thailand. 1 guy is from China and said they are so beautiful. Another said you can not tell the difference. I explained about all brains are female in the womb and that unless exposed and receive testosterone they remain that way. 2 guys said that's >-bleeped-< and walked away.
3) I explained about having too much time on my hands and I was very dysphoric and my dreams dark. The dreams- I would do something or experience something bad and a young small girl with red lips, black curly hair and soft voice would give me advise. Guess who the little girl was?
4) Dysphoria was around wanting procedures and laser and being blocked by my wife with a divorce threat if I do anything.
5) My therapist said to focus on no physical violence and no name calling. Then when I am ready schedule a laser appointment and inform my wife.
6) I said I said to my wife I needed a pass on Thursdays to go to group. She said when do you need to ask permission to go to group. Inform her and go.
7) Got a promotion at work. My boss said it was because I same a lot of money and I add to the departments diversity. What? I thanked him and smiled but on the inside I felt cheap. Same job, more money and a title because I am trans. I may decline the promotion. Am I nuts?
So I guess you can see why I see myself as a young, small and soft-spoken girl in my dreams.
It has been inspiring to read of your progress (read 24 pages in one sitting!), I will be coming back to check for updates. I hope everything goes smoothly for you. *hugs*
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 02, 2014, 05:40:40 PMGot a promotion at work. My boss said it was because I same a lot of money and I add to the departments diversity. What? I thanked him and smiled but on the inside I felt cheap. Same job, more money and a title because I am trans. I may decline the promotion. Am I nuts?
Cynthia
I don't think that you are nuts. It may be that in general that you don't feel that you deserve and have not been used to receiving well deserved praise or feedback.
I think that if you are awarded a promotion then you deserve it. Business rarely does anything which is not justified by hard numbers and dollars. Further, if you are also given a pay rise then you deserve it. While I don't know whether your boss was trying to be funny or was giving a back handed insult but again, he would not be offering you more money if there wasn't an economic case.
So based on my limited understanding I think you deserve the promotion and the pay increase. You deserve it. The extra funds and recognition appear to be a positive not a negative. Congratulations.
Aisla
Thank you EchelonHunt, hugs
Thank you Aisla, hugs. I was offended by my bosses comment (again). The opportunity is up to a 25% pay bonus at evaluation provided I meet and exceed 20 or so matrix and organizational we have to meet about a dozen matrix. The higher the outcomes above the benchmarks the higher the percentage. Going below the benchmarks can mean demotion or most likely termination.
Did he tell the president of the company I am a transsexual? He said she did not know what I did to deserve the promotion. He said saving the company money, was responsible for the enterprise energy portfolio, operates, repairs and replaces the physical plants and adds diversity to the department. Am I being set up for termination or being a poster employee for diversity. HR is sending me you tubes at work of girls coming out at work. I want to come out 100% at work but I also just want to be a fly on the wall.
Also, I know I turn accomplishments and praise around to a negative and I absolutely do not trust people. So just perhaps this is merit based but I do not think so, not this way. If we tripled in size and I managed oversight for all three then yes but this feels wrong. Like I am walking in an alley with an alarm going off at night with a cop in a doorway.
Cynthia
This is a tough one. I think that unless you are confident that you can deliver above target and and therefore eep your job then you are at risk. Normally, unless you are paranoid, I think it is best to trust your gut instinct.
Unfortunately this is quite complex as I have found that refusing a promotion rarely ends well as it can be interpreted or represented that you are not ambitious and are a blockage in the organisation.
In short I think you can make the case for accepting or rejecting the promotion. Whatever you decide, own the decision and only look forward. Don't look backward with regret. If it was me I would be inclined to take this as a challenge and go for it, if I thought that the targets were achievable.
Of course you may be suffering from a fairly typical F mindset, in that you don't think that you are ready for, or deserve a promotion. Guys just go for it, and believe they can do it and deserve the promotion. Women often undersell themselves.
Not sure if this helps.
Aisla
Big corporations can play some funny games to protect themselves from any lawsuits??? If you think this promotion is sincere go for it. If you think the performance they expect is unattainable I would just pass. Something smells funny to me. Good luck GF. I was fired from 2 high ranked banking related jobs during my career, fyi.
Thank you Aisla and FrancisAnn, hugs
I think I definitely have a F mindset; I never associated that with myself but is very true. That explains lot!
I am more exposed and it is easier for them to fire me if my transition at work goes bad. On the other hand it gives me more opportunity. I have to address the organizations leadership twice this year to share our accomplishments.
Another thing my boss mentioned but I forgot. He said a lot of senior leadership have mentioned I look happy and I am more confident.
I guess time will tell; I guess I really have no choice. I will need to get a thank you card this weekend for my boss.
Thank you for helping me and putting things in perspective. I will update my CV too, just incase.
Cynthia
Good luck. Hope it goes well. Sometimes you just have to go for it and suspend your disbelief. You won't die wondering, what if?!
Aisla
I would take the promotion and apply myself to excelling at work.
They have noticed the changes in you and that they are good.
Yes it sucks being a token. We are working on society to change these attitudes but it is taking time and many of us will be tokenized for many years to come.
Girls like us do not always have opportunities to advance and maintain employment. Take this bitter sweet victory and be magnanimous in your acceptance.
Aisla, hugs and thank you.
Cynthialee, hugs, thank you. I know I am very lucky. I thought I was going to get fired May 15, 2013 when I came out to my boss. So, I will get him a thank you card and try my best to meet the expectations.
I share books with my boss ( give him books I finish and hope he reads). I think 7 books in the last year so we have something in common to talk about during those awkward moments before or after a meeting. I had shared everything with him about me when I came out and our relationship changed that day. Something I took for granted, respect from others. I had no respect for myself then. Now I am gaining self respect while others lose their respect for me. Odd how being yourself causes some people to change and show their true feeling.
Over the years I have seen a number of transitions from beginning to end and in almost every single case the person transitioning went from useless and in despair to a vibrant and productive person.
It is obvious from your posts that your transition has not been any different. So for anyone to be sitting on the sidelines and hating on you is not even reasonable on their part.
You have obviously become more engaged with your world and peers. Your productivity must have increased or you would not have been promoted.
It is as obvious as day that you are doing much better than you were, so they can suck eggs.
Thank you for the kind words Cynthialee, hugs.
I went to the therapist today and went over:
1) oops, I put on the wrong panties, my wife's. They look so similar :)
2) Have a silver chain I am wearing and love it. My wife is cool with it and my daughter makes comments. I am respectful and say not to call me that or something to that effect. She had reduced the comments.
3) I have been shaving my lower legs and wearing shorts and no one said anything, odd.
4) My therapist suggested laser for my leg hair. I said I am ok shaving because the hair is super small and blond and very slow growing.
5) I want face laser and we discussed it a bit.
6) I have group tomorrow and we discussed why it is tough for me. I identify with each person there with either cloths, laser, family or suicide thoughts.
7) I went over the last trigger event that was about 9 hours and how I pulled myself out of it. I told her I had thought of the perfect suicide method and poof the trigger ended. I then told her the method. (I am not suicidal).
8- I went over some jewelry ideas and we discussed how I could go to jewelers row on 9th street to get a new chain and such.
9) I went over two employee enrichment groups I participate in and helping a group of young staff members achieve credentials and a book drive for shelters. Not trans stuff but I explained how it is helping me (social interaction to help my social anxieties).
10) My wife stopped therapy. We reviewed what she gained (she said nothing) and it was considerable.
11) She asked how the progesterone was doing and then time ran out.
Group is really tough for me because I think about what was said and who said them. There is a lot of pain in the room. Somehow sharing with someone who knows what you are say and has been there helps but at the same time hurts. I do not know why. I guess I dwell on things.
My post from last weeks group meeting was lost with the server restore.
Last weeks Group highlight
I discussed my wife outing me to our daughter while marching in the Pride parade and texting me such while walking in the parade. Talked about some verbal and physical things that happened when I came home and the following week.
Therapy Wednesday
Discussed an issue of physical intimidation from my daughter. I did express what she did was a choice and not right. During the issue I just go numb and I do not think. The therapist said my daughter has been raised by me in complete safety without negative consequences for her actions. The therapist suggested I make a spreadsheet (cause I like spreadsheets) with actions positive and negative with consequences.
Group Thursday
There were three new young trans in the group. One was a cutter. He spoke so well it was amazing. I did not vertically cut I use to puncture (mostly) and have hundreds of scars on my arms. I wear long sleeve at work because of this. I seldom do it now but sometimes I still do when I abscess on negative feelings.
I shared about hiding and that I want to come out fully at work and I am threatened with divorce if I do. I shared where I work and what I do and the fear others will stop working and I will lose everything. Policies are paper and people are real. Also, shared I want to start laser but have the divorce threat.
I went to bed at 7 last night and slept 4 hours. I stayed in bed 11 hours trying to sleep. I was emotionally triggered at work by an employees words and actions. I kept going throughout the day but by the time I got home I was obsessing to the point of a severe headache to the point of nausea. Better today but the head still hurts. Dealing with some operating engineers is at times emotionally sickening. I really hate some parts of my job.
I went to the therapist Wednesday and we discussed:
I had a monthly meeting with my boss Tuesday ( 2 this month). I told him I did not think I deserved a promotion and that I felt uncomfortable. He said I meet the report and money management criteria and that I deserved it. I thanked him and moved to other issues. He wants me to write a paper with him on one of my projects I am doing. He is a professor at an Engineering and Architecture College at a University. This is the second paper he wants me to write.
I had a really bad week at work. I am avoiding the person that exploded at me and he works in the office next to me and we use to eat lunch together. I love him like a brother but now I realize I promoted him and have him close to me and I shared everything with him and he verbally abuses me every 1-2 months or so. This is another thing I did to recreate and perpetuate my traumas. This hit me and I do not know what to do. I thought about leaving but I really believe in our mission. I love a lot about where I work.
This week I realized a year and a half ago I thought I had to become me but in reality I wanted the pain to stop. The more I address my fears, my self hatred and issues that embodied me and are me the more I have a feeling I just want it all to stop. The more I remember and feel and want the more I want to be numb. This is a double edge blade.
This has been a tough week and I have slept very little and my head hurts almost non-stop. I have a difficult time looking at my co-worker. I want to move my office but I like that it is in the basement and somewhat hidden. I just want to hide. I am eating in my office now and I just want to work and bury myself in work.
I now see that I made the triggers that haunt me and I need to change this. I hate going through life stepping on life land mines, not able to move or escape. I cry in my office, my car, my bed and in my head.
I was close to drinking and talked to a AA sponsor at work. He is great and so positive and has some great knowledge about human nature. Still sober :)
Cynthia
Really pleased that your boss restated the merit in your promotion. It sounds like you are hard on yourself and find it hard to accept praise. You have done well, very well, congratulations are due. Congratulate yourself, recognise and celebrate your success. You deserve it.
Your situation with your colleague appears to be getting to you. If you raise it with your therapist or your boss they should be able to give you a strategy for addressing or coping with this. Over time it would be great to develop the skills whereby you can raise and address this with your colleague yourself. I think that it is far better to address and ideally resolve an issue rather than let it fester, become larger and more negative. In any case an unpleasant colleague should never determine your future and cause you to do something that is not in your interest.
Sounds like a mixed week and not a really bad week. Language is powerful. Using the most positive language is empowering and beneficial. Try to do this. If you can put a positive spin on something try to do this. It made a huge difference to the way I view and experience things
Safe travels
Aisla
Cynthia
You are recognising what you are doing that adds to the problems. This is an important step and you can modify your behaviour.
I like the way your boss encouraged you. I know how hard it is to accept praise - I'm working on that and you can too!
Wanting to drink but talking to your sponsor instead was a very good decision. You do have strength of character, use all the support you have to keep going. None of us can get through life alone.
Mary
Cynthia,
You continue to inspire me by the way you work through issues and move forward. You are truly an amazing human. Life is so wonderful and in some way we are gifted by being trans. Its an amazing journey that not many people travel.
You are unique and wonderful..
Love U
Carrie
Aisla, Mary and Carrie, thank you and hugs. Your responses mean so much to me.
He was out today, scheduled, and I felt much better. My headaches are gone and have a good outlook. I even agreed to speak at city energy forum in September :). I will try to sleep tonight and take some Ambien. I do not take it during the week because I only get a maximum of 5.75 hours in bed per night.
Aisla, I really do have a difficult time with positives about myself. I recognize what is happening with my wife, daughter and co-worker and how they trigger me and why it happens. I think I need to some how put a positive spin on negatives (whether it is meant as negative or I see it as a negative). Trauma triggers I do not know. When it happens it spirals quickly (in seconds) and runs it coarse. I did specific work on certain trauma issues but the response it still there. The colleague will be given an irresistible opportunity within one year. He does not know it yet but he will be working his dream job with his dream supervisor. He will be happy.
Mary, the sponsor is a really great person. He does things for people that are wonderful and he is very humble. He knows what to say. He has a lot of knowledge on where people are and the ability to listen. The half hour he spent with me was a turning point in recognizing the problem was how I responded to the verbal violence internally.
Carrie, thank you for the kind words. I do not know if being trans is a gift. I always though of it as sort of a curse and I am just learning to love myself. I think getting rid of the self hate is a gift. I was a target when I was young and I am still dealing with the aftermath. I think trans in general are targets and if we are out then we are greater targets. Then I think about Cindy and how she would respond. She is really gifted and strong.
I ate so much food this week it is not funny (well, really 10 1/2 size pretzels, a chocolate bar, rice and ice cream). So I am back to better eating :) When something like this happens I do not eat then I binge on stuff I should not eat. Oh well, back to eating healthy.
Getting rid of the self hate is critical. I was in the wrong body and I didn't understand what the problem was. When I understood I started the journey to be outwardly the person I am inside. Now I'm a confident woman and I take a really active part in my church and volunteering for charities. You can do it too. There may be much in your past that is unfortunate but it is the past. I know it's difficult to believe but you can be a confident and lovely woman. It's a big undertaking and lots of hard work but it is so worth it.
Cynthia, we are all 'work in progress'. Some days I think that I should hang an "Under Construction" sign around my neck. We each have plenty of opportunity to improve and to progress. Your journey is inspirational and quite humbling
Safe travels
Aisla
Mary and Aisla, thank you for your support and encouragement.
Went to the therapist and this is what was talked about:
1) There is a new person in Safety. When introduced he was behind me. I turned and did a double take. I know my facial expression changed and I said something under my breath like daaaaaam. He is absolutely the most beautiful person I have ever seen.
2) I confessed I am jealous of my Ops Manger and another employee developing relationship. He has power over me and I need to address it in therapy. My therapist wants to use Gestalt therapy. When he gets up from his desk, walks past my office or has a cross face I feel the same as when I was young and my Dad would came home or walked in the house. It is like a pins and needles feeling. He can be very hurtful and I apologized for his last outburst. When I was apologizing I was thinking I am just doing the to keep the peace. He never apologized and that hurt. I was cold to him until Tuesday then just gave in. My therapist asked it I had sexual feelings for him and I said no then well some. She gave me a technique to use when the eggshell feeling hits and we will work with me understanding better why this is happening.
3) I told her I am manipulative and an example is when I get scripts I have Dusty make it out to CVS then Mazzoni's pharmacy, saying oh last time my insurance had an issue. I did this with E and P. I just stopped the double P and I gave away the E a few month's ago. She asked why I am doing this. I said my E script was low (got it raised and stopped supplementing in June) but my P was low and just now stopped. I know dumb. She wants me to tell Dusty and I said I would. She asked why I do not trust him and ask him about the dosages. I said I do not trust anyone. I was raised to not trust anyone; that was expressed often.
4) I shared I shave in the shower and when I get out the mirror is fogged. I wipe a little spot and brush my hair. I look for any hair I want to shave next day and look at my chest and I weigh myself. The mirror was clear this morning (ac on) and I decided to check out my genitals. I just thought how I lied to my wife and wanting grs. My gonads are mostly recessed now and my penis flaccid is just a small bump. When erect I was 4 inches when younger so now who knows but smaller. I just looked with my one leg on the toilet and exposed genital area and I could see is how it should look.
5) I shared I wished my wife and I could have lesbian sex with a toy. I know that would be very arousing but 99% likely to never happen.
I shared a little of me today with her. I said I want to change and I really do not like how I manipulate everything. She said it will take time to see the world through a different lens and that now I am ready to deal with it and I am getting stronger.
I went to the therapist Wednesday and we discussed:
1) Went to the beach and I had to either be in the water or reading because my dysphoria was that bad.
2) I told her again I really want to start face laser but I am afraid of my wife's ultimatum of divorce if I had any procedures.
3) I talked a lot about my ops manager. I have some sexual feelings for him. I can not continue to be hurt by his actions.
My therapist said my child, my wife, my operations manager are all the same. (I realized I had my arms over my stomach and I felt sick. I was covering up). We had, in the past, rehearsed what to say to each but I never followed though. At that moment I realized I really need to take stands on things I need.
I skipped group and walked in the park. I made a promise; when the walk ended I would make a decision and follow through. I decided to address My operations manager's unprofessional behavior and warn him of the recourse of a future occurrence. (ok, lesson learned about having feelings for someone, confiding in them everything and having to manage them, dumb) Also, I will make an appointment for laser and inform my wife.
Hugs and we are standing behind you all the way with your choices you made.
Lots of luck with them all.
Thank you izzy, hugs.
I went to the therapist Wednesday and we discussed:
1) Closer to making the laser appointment. My wife has not cried in a long time and I just do not want to start her stressing about trans* issues. I think my wife's last threat of divorce is not whole hearted so I practice what I would say to her. My therapist helped a lot and suggested asking why she does not want something that I want and I shave every day anyway. I know the reason is because she does not want me to transition one bit more. I need time alone to discuss the need and ask what her reasons are to why she does not want me to proceed.
2) I am pretty much over the OPS manager issue. I never really had what I thought was there so the pouting is my issue and I am done with it. We are speaking, business, and perhaps that is best.
3) I am reading :What the Dog Saw", she read it too. I said I wanted an arm band tattoo for a long time but could not find what I wanted. In the book a chapter is about the life of Ron Popeil. When he was at the cemetery of his family he said," I am from them but not of them". It is absolutely perfect. Ron had a sad childhood. I said I don't wear short sleeve shirts at work. She said I could get the tat going parallel with my arm but I said I wanted it high and in a band. She asked why I always wore long sleeves and I said I have a lot of scars on my arms. She asked if I was a cutter and I said a little but I mainly poked or scratched ( I showed her my arms). I wore a short sleeve shirt about 6 months ago and had a meeting with my boss and he commented on me wearing a short sleeve shirt. He asked why I never were short sleeve shirts and I pointed to my arms and he asked if they were cigarette scars on my arm and I said no. My therapist asked if they were cigarette burn scars too. I have 1000's of scars and some are big. My therapist said I could explain it as chicken pox scars. The scars got a lot worse on hormones. I tan super easy and any tan also brings out the scars too.
4) I really want a voice coach. My therapist gave me a card of someone she said is very good. :) I have been practicing for 1.5 years and I need feedback and some help.
I went to group Thursday.
We talked and shared about therapists, gatekeeping and hormones, insurances, coming out and bullying. There was someone from Susan's there but I was too shy to say hi and I look like a guy and it is embarrassing. I feel like a fake in comparison to the others in group who express and/or look very feminine. One girl got her markers and name changed ( she is 17) and I just thought I would so love to do that and have for a long time.
A friend gave me a book called, "When Things Fall Apart". He is such a sweet and caring person. He helped me a few weeks ago too. He does not know I am trans*.He does a lot of group speaking for drugs and alcohol. He wants me to be me and be open and myself. He knows some things about me such as drugs, alcohol, dying in a garage (over stimulation of the parasympathetic nervous system, when I was in the ED the Doc said I should have had uppers to balance it out. He was kidding but I took it as good advise) , getting caught in Camden NJ and sexual and physical abuse. He wants me to be me and come out and be myself but he does not know I am trans* and this is triggering when he talks to me about being myself and the relief I would feel. I want to tell him what it feels like and leave me alone but I just nod and smile. Then afterwards I am numb for a day or two.
Good week, all in all,
Cindy.
You are not a fake, or 'not trans enough'.
The fact that you have gotten as far as you have is a very strong indicator that you are indeed very much TS.
You can transition at the rate YOU are most comfortable with. You have no timetable hanging over your head. No one other than your spouse even has any rights to say two words to you over this issue and even she has very little legitimate input when you think on it.
You do you the best you can and just ignore us loudmouths in the peanut gallery.
;)
Thanks and Hugs Cynthialee.
My headaches have returned and I realize it is when I am stuck they return. I must go forward with the laser and I need to discuss it with my wife. I can not go back and I can not forget about it or put it aside.
I know I am not a fake (wrong choice of words). I feel unattractive. I am with mostly trans girls and I am so far behind them. It is not like I will give up or get discouraged. I just feel unattractive in comparison.
oh sweetie!
:icon_hug:
You would have to deal with similar feelings if you were natal female and cisgender.
See there is this terrible thing society has taught us as females {and we heard the message loud and clear despite our birth sex} and that is that we must judge ourselves against each other. It is a horrible mind trap that is hard to avoid but should be at all costs.
I know exactly what you are talking about. There is this 20something goddess TS woman in my local area. Not only is she pretty and well proportioned, she is friendly, out going and just an all around good person. Everyone who knows her absolutely loves her to pieces. And every time I see her, I kick myself in the ass for not transitioning in my 20's....
And I know it is not healthy and it has no value at all. Yet I do it anyways.
::)
I have seen some transformations that have blown my mind. Women who I met while they were still presenting male and my first thought is "oh the poor dear", then 2 years latter the woman is freaking hot! And I am the jealous bitch now! LOL
HRT and transition are powerful stuff.
Thank you Cynthialee, Hugs. You are right, I need to put looks into perspective.
I went to the Therapist today ( I did not go to group tonight, I was toast). We discussed:
1) How I recreate "opportunities" within my family, work, friends and social areas to relive past issues trying to resolve past pain or so my therapist says. I think she is right. I am growing in stopping (starting to stop) how I allow others to destroy my well being. I have distanced (maintain a profession and social report) myself from my Ops Manager. His control over me (me allowing him in) is waning and I miss the friendship. My therapist said I need to talk to her instead of him and gain strength. He really can be a jerk sometimes, but I am attracted to him.
2) I had a dream my Dad (he was young) was in my bedroom doorway and I said I am sorry. He said who will take care of them and I said I will some how. I then noticed my Mon in the doorway too (red hair and young). She was looking off to the side and not directly at me and I apologized to her. My therapist asked what did I apologize for and I said for being trans and ending the pain. We went over how I have incorporated suicide in my thought processes. I told her I am not going to do anything but it is something on my mind a lot. In the past I had told her how I would do it. She asked if I was thinking of ways and I reminded her of the method. I was crying during this.
3) Went over crap that happened in the Control Room at work with a dozen Operators. There were comments about gays and needing some and a bunch of crap. I stopped it and said I am a mentor, member of multicultural professionals and a member of Pride (all work engagement groups). I said I believe in diversity and how many different experiences make our outcomes (to resolve problems) better. They pushed back an said they know buy we are in the control room. I said no, we are at work and need to behave as such. I left the control room and was walking behind a woman with long straight hair, curvy and dressed very well. I thought to myself this is just too much. How could I ever be me in front of them.
4) Went over how I want procedures such as ffs and srs and she said I do not need FFS (ok, so I thought she is not honest and suspect everything now). I also said how I want my adams apple shaved and she said it is really small and not noticeable. I can feel it and that is enough. I explain how puberty was so incredibly hard and how voice, hair, adams apple and genitals are wrong and should not be there. I started to cry again. I did not even go into I am a giant at 6'3".
5) Saw someone on the street I had not seen in a year or so. He said what is up with your voice. I said nothing. He said I look different and my hair is really long. He than said I look good. I was walking on Locust street where there are usually some trans. A guy (little unstable, LOL) walked past and said I love the girls. There was a guy outside an open bar and was starring at me as I passed. He said something but I just kept moving. I guess I am entering into the part where I start looking gender questionable, especially in the gayborhood.
6) She asked if I game and I said the game I play every night. She gave me a game name for me to try which U of P did a study on that is supposed to relieve PTSD.
7) Therapist is away next week.
Just want to thank Cynthia and all for sharing as much as you all do. : )
Thank you Georgie,
I went to a place today and had to show my drivers license to buy something. The guy said that it does not look like me and that the drivers license looks like the guy I am buying it for. I said what, I do not look like the person in the picture and he repeated himself.
Yesterday I had a catch up with a friend. Se asked for me to sit straight up and then said they are small but there. I said I have only been on hormones for 14 months and it talkes 4 years, but you know this. We talked about bras. I had on a loose undershirt and a loose striped work shirt and tie. So it was not tight fitting clothes. Then she said my hair is fuller ( I have not seen her for 4 months) followed with am I going to get transplants? I said I am working on getting it fixed. When we were paying at the register I had a diet coke and the name on it was Kelly. The guy asked me who is Kelly and she said not me, you know CM. The guy was gay and he was talking to me. I did not say anything and he asked me again, this time obviously looking at me, huuuum. There was a woman at the high table next to us and she was listening in. We were talking about guys, a u-tube video about woman and the crazy / hot graph, me telling my boss about all the things I did in my past, him not being able to look at me for a while (literally looked at the floor). hormones, procedures and more guys. The woman looked like her head was going to spin off as she listened in on the conversation (too funny). My friend encouraged me to go back to school for something I talk about a lot in a totally different field. She also encouraged me to move my office. I can talk to her about anything and talked about my feeling for my Ops Manager and why I am distancing myself. I explained I have allowed his tornado behavior to continue to others and myself to go on and it is not professional (my fault and I need to own it). She said it is good I am correcting it and it is not professional. I went over how I am recreating environments searching for different endings and that I recognize this and I am consciously trying to change my behavior.
Cynthia,
Isn't life wonderful.. the experiences we have and have an opportunity to have.. Not many do what we are doing... in life.. I consider it a badge of honor ..to be courageous enough to step out and be ourselves..
You are doing wonderfully and you should be proud...
I know its tough with your wife and I understand..trust me I get it...
Keep keeping on girl.. you are awesome..... :)
Carrie
Thank you Carrie, hugs.
No therapist this week but I went to group last night. Another girl got her name changed. I am so envious. I was going to call Mazzoni twice this week to schedule laser but put down the phone, perhaps tomorrow. I was also thinking of requesting E injections through the patient portal too. I need to make a forward step because I feel stuck and have been for a while.
Back in ok with my OPS Manager but I am keeping personal stuff personal. We volunteered together today for a back to school material drive help for 7 shelters and it went well. He has a really nice side and is a good person I know now to keep him away and not let him in. I do not know what I was thinking all these years. He really has no interest in me at all. I guess I was using him as a crutch and that was not fair to him. I feel alone at work and at home, kind of I am doing something an I want to talk about it but if I do then you will think I am "odd". When I am with other trans in transition I have something in common.
Today was a good day overall and had some very happy periods. I did not have any negative periods at all. Last night I was depressed after group because I felt like I am stuck. This happens when I see another girl making progress (doing something that is out of her comfort zone and proud of her accomplishment).
My head hair is progressing slowly. I would rate my hair back to age 37. I have a long way to go but I am making steady but slow progress. I ordered a 2 mm dermal roller to replace my 1.5 mm unit. I am rolling 2 to 3 times a week and it is improving the MPB but slowly.
I have a scheduled laser consultation appointment October 14th (1st opening). I requested a change to E&P self injections through the patient portal at Mazoni. I need to schedule an appointment at their request.
There is a lot of fear and that is good. I am doing something I want and need to do and it is uncharted territory. I will embrace my fear and overcome. It feel almost ecstatic with butterflies.
My wife gave me crap tonight about bows on my panties (little tiny bow in the back, Flirtitudes). She called me a freak and some other crap. I shutdown for a few minutes but never let the comments in, then got up and thought I like the colors and fit and walked the hound. I think I will get some more panties. My wife made a comment about my breasts and said I have D's (I knew she was poking) and I said I do not have D's and she said you wish ( A's but that's ok, I am thankful for what I have).
Trying to stick to my diet :) I need to drop 35 pounds.
I went to the therapist and group today and we discussed:
Therapy
1- We talked about everything I shared with my previous post and that I have an appointment to discuss injections Sept 22, I am so excited.
2- She recommended I join the 12th street gym. I wanted to join for so long, maybe 20 years). They have gay and lesbian down but trans* I will need to inquire. I really do not fit in the girls locker room or the guys locker room ( I am a girl but look trans with my cloths off and I can not take my cloths off in public) she said to ask if they have a neutral locker room. I would so much love to join there. They have personal trainers I could e-mail to see if they would be cool. The have 35 trainers of which 8 or so are female. I just can not go to a guy and hope a female trainer will take the request. She said the steam room can get like a bath house. I really need to avoid that area at all cost.
3- I told her my observations of the a two girls. One empowered by her action and one stuck and twisting by her continued inaction and questioning. I used the empowered girl as a role model. It feels so good to take action.
4- She said I should go to a makeover for trans place. She said she thought I could pass with make-up and a wig. I was a bit stunned.
Group
1- Most of the session was around one girl, her work, neighborhood hood in deep North Philly and room mates. She has it very rough. There were some great suggestions on where to move to and that what she is experiencing is not normal everywhere. Her family ties are severed and she is young. I hope she can get out of her current living location. I think she is incredibly strong. All those expressing went over the ugliness of people and how they endure. This group showed me one potential future.
Nothing to add. Just showing I am still reading.
:)
Hi Cynthialee, hugs.
I wanted to show parts of an e-mail inquiry about joining the 12th street gym (Philadelphia PA). They are located in the heart of the gayborhood.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hi,
I am inquiring about membership to the 12 Street Gym and I am wondering if the gym would be a good fit and was hoping you could provide some feedback
This is personal and an issue I have that may, understandably, mean I am not a good fit for the Gym. I am 52, transgender MTF and do not physically fit a female physique and do not physically fit a male physique, especially with my clothes off. To add I have an issue with locker rooms and am extremely uncomfortable in locker rooms with males and I do not "fit in" the female locker room. Also, I was hoping to have a personal trainer for a few sessions and on occasion afterwards but I would prefer a female trainer but I do not know if there is one who would be willing to work with a trans* client. My goals are to lose weight (20 pounds) and tone, definitely not gain muscle mass.
I understand if this is not a good fit but I am hoping I could participate,
Thank you for your consideration,
Cynthia.
_______________________________________
Hi Cynthia, we are a good fit for everyone here at 12th street , we would be happy to give you a free trial and recommend several trainer options for you...as for locker rooms we have other options in addition to the main locker rooms , adjacent to our gym is our camac center which has more private locker rooms which can be locked in addition we have changing room powder rooms in pool area and our tanning center Soleil, we would be happy to show you those additional options... Let us know if you would like to meet... Thanks Frank
_________________________________________
Hi Frank,
I would like to stop in at or between 4:10 to 4:15 Thursday. Should I ask for you or another person?
Thank you,
Cynthia
_________________________________________
That works , you can ask for me... See you Thursday
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am so excited :) I have wanted to join this place for so long. I can not believe I am doing this :)
I went to Therapy, 12th street Gym and group today.
Therapist
1) a lot of things were discussed. The main point which hit home (hard) was my therapist said I need to stop living in a fantasy world of on-line and gaming and live as myself. I need to grow.
12th street gym and Camac Center.
I joined and absolutely love this place. I have a private coed locker room with a locked door and only authorized persons are allowed in and it had access to a private entrance ($149/yr add). They have so much there it is amazing: hair dressers, massage, art class, therapy, all kinds of classes and so many rooms of equipment. Everyone is queer and I saw 1 trans girl. Frank is scheduling 2 training classes with two trainers he thinks we will work well together. I announced myself at the front desk as Cynthia (twice) and Frank was very cool. I had to pay with my MAAB cards and DL.
Group
Group was great. I had this thought as a girl was talking. I am not alone. I have so many people who have helped me who believe me and did not know me. I am pretty fortunate and I am starting to really like myself. I never would wish trans* on anyone but the feeling I had was warm and I felt really content. The feeling is something only a trans* would relate to, finding community.
Went to the Therapist, Gym and Group this afternoon and evening,
Therapist
I told her I joined the Gym and went over the experience. Also, I showed her what I would be wearing to the gym and then group. I said I was very anxious and we discussed it. We went over if I got cruised and how to react and what did I want. I asked who would cruise me and she said I am nice and friendly and have my act together (I was surprised to hear this, more like stunned).
I discussed what she said last week that had me thinking. She said I need to not spend time on line at Susan's and not gaming. She wanted to know if I took offense. I said no and that it is pertinent. She reinforced I need to not obsess about doing something but do it. We talked about the makeover again, she brought it up. Then I asked where to buy make-up. She said isn't Walgreens next to Mazzoni and owned by them. I said yes. I never thought of there. Then she said anywhere in the gayborhood.
Gym
I forgot where the private locker room was. I went to the meeting center and asked. The same guy from last week who was there. He said the salon right locker #33 right snd I said yes. You are Steven right and he said yes and you are xxxxx (had to used my legal name as it is on my debit card) and I said yes. He took me to the locker. I am horrible at names but remembered his, did I say he is cute :) Did the treadmill for an hour the change and went to group.
Group
I put my Gym bag in my car on the way to group in a high rise parking lot. There was a doctor in the elevator and he insisted I leave the elevator first, Felt cool. I look very queer and perhaps trans (do you think, lol). I had on no bra and a somewhat fitted thin top. On the way to group a guy got in my face pointing at me yelling you are crazy several times. I had on skinny jeans and a nice top and reflective sun glasses. I just looked at him and kept going ( Inside my head I just said F you a few times). Group was really great tonight. We really opened up and shared a lot of things. I left feeling I am a trans girl and that it is me and proud of it.
Well I would certainly miss your updates if you stopped coming here.
Hi Cynthialee, hugs,
I am not leaving Susan's. My therapist was using Susan's and gaming to reinforce being in the present and going after what I want and not hiding in fantasy and fear. I have been practicing small risks and achievements and focusing on the positive feeling from accomplishing a goal.
The background and this is a bit embarrassing.
I really do not know how I got to where I am. I guess I am good at meeting deadlines and keeping people happy at work. Also, I guess I am nice to where someone nice took interest who did not want to use me, my wife. If the person would have been male them it would have been my partner or husband.
When I was young K through 2nd grade I had emotional issues and was seldom mentally present but physically there. I was physically and sexually abused and had and have a defense where I am in my own world. When I am triggered by a severe threat I can not see, feel or hear. I am literally numb. This happens very seldom and is hell for a week or two afterwards. At work when I am at a meeting with a three page agenda I have to ask several times what number we are on. On a projected screen I have to ask to have the pointer over the area in discussion, I just can not find it. When I read I fill in words and sometimes have to reread a paragraph (with the exception of technical or science material). I am at a pretty high position at work and for the life of me I just do not know why.
I tend to avoid and twist in indecision about things people will judge me about. I am hugely self conscious about how I look to others. My therapist wants me to take action and to me that is a black void but I am trying.
Cynthia
Your journey continues to inspire me. Great that the gym has worked out so well. Keep on doing the work. One step at a time. You really have come a long way. Well done.
Aisla
Cynthia
You are a very brave person. It is so important that we can all be true to ourselves. But you are also considerate of others and that is a wonderful state to be in.
Please let me assure you that things can really turn out for the better. After transition, I remained married to my wonderful wife, I was accepted by other members of my family as well as my professional associates, and I have just had a pretty normal life living it the way it ought to have been.
I've always had good luck with my medical and psychological advisors, and now I can appreciate all the hard work they had to do to allow me to be my true self. I am sure you will have no problems.
But if you do, there are lots of people who can help you, experienced counsellors and community members who have been through the ropes, know the problems and can make sure that you are the success story you are going to be.
It is an exciting time for you. Be positive, be brave and I wish you a wonderful future.
Hugs xx
Aisla and CuriousTrans, thank you very much for you kind words.
I was really down at the time but am back.
So I went to Mazzoni yesterday to see my PA to get estradiol injections. Dusty asked why and I said injections, as I have read and discussed with others, give better results. he said absolutely, wrote a script, told me to pick up the supplies then come back for a injection training. I was so happy. He said first get blood drawn and make an appointment for December. I was getting my blood drawn in my hand because I have bad arm joint veins. I was talking and then when the needle was withdrawn I got faint then started throwing up. 1.5 hours later I left. I reschedule the training (they would not let me continue) for Monday. I continued throwing up in the car in the parking garage. My head still hurts today from the dry heaves.
The people at the doctors office were so nice I could not believe it. I really love that place.
Dusty had a PA student shadowing him, he asked permission. I was very candid with the answers to his questions. Dusty also goes to the 12th street GYM and we discussed it and how welcoming Frank (the owner) and Midge (my future trainer) are. He said the place is so unique and I agree. Oh, they have the fat freezing at the gym and I told him I was going to do that and use the private lockers for the gym and group clothing change. He said quite a few trans use the private dressing room.
I have some serious gut issues and puke at least 2 or 3 times a week. I find that if you are dry heaving that the best reaction is to chug water in between heaves and give yourself something to barf. Makes it allot more tolerable and lasts a shorter time. It can be difficult to get down, but it is worth it. Dry heaves hurt, barfing not as bad.
Thank you Cynthialee, hugs. I has some upper repertory thing and I though I was over it but I was in the middle. Dry Heaves are bad but I had to drive 28 miles through rush hour.
I went to the therapist Thursday and we discussed:
1) How I was doing with my daughter. My wife got on me about getting a hair cut. I refused and it escalated to where My wife told my daughter I wear woman's underwear and my daughter got really angry saying I am a boy and when I would talk she would say is IT talking to me. Then that she did not want me to go to her softball games or see her after she goes to college. I had taken a huge amount of insults and I did not get too upset. Later my wife and I discussed what went on and I told her I want to fully transition and I am having difficulty holding back. Fast forward a few days and all is well. We are going to the beach Sunday.
2) I have my injection class Monday :) and at the gym Thursday I have a personal trainer session. I need a top for group Thursday and shorter black gym shorts. I said I was going to tell my wife I joined the gym this weekend. My wife will think I am having sex in the gym. She associates trans with me cheating on her with gay guys.
3) Two dreams were reviewed.
Went to Mazzoni today for my shot training.
I had the Nurse who does the training all the time and the PA student shadow in the room.
The training was fantastic and I administered the shot. I have large thigh tattoos of a Clouded leopard and a spotted panther. So shot placement will be easy.
A few seconds after I put the needle in the receptacle I passed out. I awoke and after a bit the PA student said lets see if she can get on the table. That felt fantastic.
I did it, needle phobia and all. I was advised to give myself the needle sitting on the floor until I t use to it.
Again, everyone was incredible.
I am so happy :)
I just got a call, I need to repeat taking the shot supervised by them in 2 weeks.
Went to Therapy, the gym ( had a trainer) and group.
Gym
I love the gym. There is a ton of high quality equipment and the place is so unique. The place is so clean and the private locker room even smell good. The personal trainer is great and is helping me with diet and exercise. She has me doing a rower and a range of exercises. I am sore now so tomorrow will a joy. She complimented my hair. I need more up front but the back and sides are good and have a natural tight wave.
Group
Tonight was good and some great topics were discussed. I enjoy going to group and I think it is because everyone who talks, I can identify what they are saying.
Therapay
1- The therapist lent me a book on coming out and addressing questions and bigotry.
2- I went to my daughters softball game Saturday and the beach Sunday and everything was going fantastic. Then Sunday night my wife suggested we watch a trailer for transparent. At the end my daughter got hysterical and said she did not want any of us to watch the series. My wife and I said we will watch it in private. That night I cried a lot and it was because my daughter really is having a difficult time with anything trans and I lover her and feel I am the cause.
3- Monday I did my injection training and passed out after I finished with the needle. I will need to come back and redo the injection because they are concerned I will not have support when I do the injections at home.
4- Monday night during dinner my wife said all her boy friends had issues then I meet you and thought this is a really nice guy. I must have done something really bad in a past life to have such bad Karma. I am so hurt by this comment. It just rolled off her tongue. Another night of crying myself to sleep. I dreamed I was walking with my father and everything was white. After a while he said to me, you do not belong here. My therapist asked what I thought it meant and I said I should not kill my self. She then lent me a book and said I am doing the right things by expanding my circle and being in the community. I agreed and said if I get acceptance here then I will naturally distance myself from the painful environment. She said I take an awful lot, why? I said I was alone for 7 years and it was bad for me ( that is when I was out of control with self numbing).
5- Tuesday morning I cried on the way to work. When I got home there was a package. My wife asked what is inside and I said two shirts. She asked male of female. I said 1 of each. the male shirt is andro and I did not mention the female jeans. She kept asking why a female shirt and I said I feel better wearing it. I tried on the cloths and I need to return them due to the shirts being too small and size 14 jeans being too big.
6- I told the therapist despite the negative things that happened I feel great. I am smiling (when not crying) and physically and mentally I feel fantastic. I think the injections have made a big difference. I actually feel happy. I really need to be careful what I say as things just roll off my tong now.
I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday and this is what occurred:
1) Paid for 10 sessions of therapy and personal trainer. I told my therapist I am making 10 week plans now. A lot better place to be from where I was 21 months ago. I honestly did not think I was going to get out of January 2013. Why 10 week plans, well my bottle of E has 5 two week doses in it. I had to base my plan on something and that seamed appropriate. Each new bottle means a new plan with new goals.
2) I am so different the last two weeks, happy and a sense of well being. Is it injections, therapy, exercising with a personal trainer who is variant and so fit and a true inspiration or is it group. Perhaps it is all of it. Oh, the 1st 3 days on injection were emotional and triggers set off tears. I look forward to the next injection and I cannot express how difficult it is to wait.
3) Injection training again Monday ( fainted last time) and Laser consult Tuesday. I hope I am a good candidate for laser.
4) I have been thinking of coming out to my sister. She is a Republican committee woman and religious. Her Husband is Judge of elections, Republican, religious and a bigot. So why come out to an obvious loss of family? I do not communicate with my brother so this is my only link to family. I have hidden who I am and felt horrible and treated myself horribly all my life. Well, I do not think and treat myself horrible any more and I think I am a really nice and good person. Why should I hide who I am? I just do not need to hide. If they never talk to me again then they have a problem not me. I am not going to be someone else for their approval. Another issue is my wife said a year go if I came out to them or did anything more than HRT then she would divorce me. I do not think so. Something inside of me is growing and it feels good, me.
5) Some people in the office asked where is the Gym and I told them 12th street. There were some laughs. So I am basically coming out in steps to them. They must think I am gay. I was asked what my trainer looks like and if he is cute. I told them my trainer is about 60 and in phenomenal physical condition, had bright short red hair and is variant. I got odd looks and "variant" was repeated with puzzled looks.
6) I really get a lot out of group and enjoy going. I think it may be the hormones but I think I am starting to like and connect with the people at group and feel for their issues. I think about them, wonder how they are making out and wish I could help them. We are a group of nice and good people who for one reason or another have each other and few others.
.
This sounds very positive Cynthia. Knowing you are going to lose your sister and your wife isn't positive, but you are in a good frame of mind for it now. The "coming out in steps" idea sounds interesting and it should be fun to keep them guessing for a while.
Thank you Mary, hugs.
I called my sister 3 times yesterday and left a message. I will call her in a few minutes and have the talk.
Did my second supervised injection today and did not faint. I came close but stayed awake, yay. I can do unsupervised injections now. I told the nurse one of the girls in group does it on her bed and lays back after. She said that is a good idea. Thursday on became increasingly bad as the medicine wore off. Sunday I had a pretty bad dysphoria episode. I am looking to this week and the feeling of well being. I will keep track and ask for permission for 10 day cycles if the dysphoria spikes at day 10-14.
I love Mazzoni and the care I get there. The Nurse did a Nursing School rotation where I work and we had a lot to discuss while I was there.
Laser consult tomorrow, hopeful, we will see. I get to see Dusty either way :)
Off to talk to my sister.
I talked to my sister and she is fantastic. She said she always wanted a sister. She wants me to get a makeover with her and go shopping for cloths, perfume and makeup. She also want me to do something with my hair (plugs and dye).
She said she loves me and I am her BF, brother sister.
I told her I had doubts about telling her and she said why. I had no reason other than she is religious and Republican. She said, "Please, that has nothing to do with this". We are really close and now I can not describe how close I feel to her.
We talked for a while. She is a Chief Nursing Officer and in charge of diversity too. She just had a social worker in for the nursing staff going over LGBT with an emphasis on trans.
I will sleep well tonight.
Great news about your sister, Cynthia!
"She said she loves me and I am her BF, brother sister." Such a good way to see things - it's the person you are, not the name or details like clothes or even changes to your shape.
I'm glad to hear that religion wasn't a problem either. I'm a strong Christian and before I went into hospital there was an email to the church list saying "Mary is going into hospital for an operation - please pray for her." Most of the church would figure out which operation even if I hadn't said anything, but it didn't matter. I was in hospital and they cared about me.
Can you ask your sister for advice and help now? Clothes, makeup, important details like how to behave and talk?
Mary, hugs.
I am happy for you that your church (congregation) welcomes and supports you. Also, you are a very strong woman who has faced and dealt with a lot difficulties and they are lucky to have you in the congregation.
My sister and I talked for an hour tonight and I feel very close to her. She will help and she said anything I need she will be there for me. she wanted to know a lot of details and I had to ask her to stop asking after a while. Then she went to the abuse we had as children and I think 90% of the call was about her and her difficulties. She really opened up to me. We really connected and I am happy I was there for her. I learned a lot in therapy and group on how to listen and give support.
Went for a laser consult at Mazzoni, Dusty Latimer this afternoon. He went over everything and said it does not work on white hair (50% white beard) and I said I know. Then he said we can zap the non white then refer you for electrolysis. I said that is what I will do. then he said do you want to do it now and we did. YAY!!! Laser was not too bad. I have some large tats and it was a lot easier than a tat.
I am a happy girl.
Hey Cynthia Michelle,
You are so strong.. I had therapy today.. went over fear... and all that stuff.. she said in a year we would be sitting there laughing about all this.... I won't go into detail but I am a perfectionist... with everything... so u know changing sexes ...... its a road we travel.... I suppose thats why its called transition.. it takes time ....and I am impatient.
So I am in Dallas at a hotel tonight getting ready for a day tomorrow of E3K clearing.. will be my second.
I am more afraid this time because I know where it hurts most and what to expect...ugh!!!
I bought tickets to a concert I will not mention for next year.. its a big one.. and I bought two front row VIP tickets with backstage thing.. then realized.. oh crap I will be full time!! My wife and I will be going.. as two chicks.. we are divorcing but are very close..... and that has been the most painful thing for me.. really.
If anyone thinks this is a choice.. they are mistaken.. If I could stay a dude I would.. for sure...but I am not a dude.. never have been one...
Now that my dysphoria ... however you spell it.. is eased cause i like my body more... and know where I am headed.. I look at dudes and think.. crap I wish I had been born a dude...it would be so much easier... I think that is so ironic.. I laugh at myself for thinking that.. but that's my personality.. I have been me on the inside since little.. now nothing is going to stop me from transition....its just an innate sense of self we can't seem to help..
So again.. you truly inspire me.. wish I was as detailed as you are with your thoughts... but.. I am great salesperson.. not good at the details just at the big picture.
Love ya
Carrie
.
Carrie Hugs,
I am happy you are doing the E3000. From what I have read it is very effective. You are amazing and very decisive in your transition. I want to do more but am afraid to rock the boat too much at any given time.
I was so afraid of laser and it was really a great experience. There were 5 or 6 t-girls in the waiting room and they were discussing laser and it was all our 1st session. They were in their teens and I am 52. I thought laser was a great experience. There was pain but I was excited. I did not sleep last night but for a few hours. I kept thinking how good it felt doing laser. My primary does so much laser and everyone is so cool I just felt what I was doing was a non-event and normal and everyday.
I told the office manager today I had laser on my face and that I am trans. She is awesome and totally welcoming.
I am again a happy girl.
So cool when you tell someone and they are accept us... I called about doing some dental work and mentioned I was trans and would the DR. have any problem working with me and she said why would we... what's wrong with being yourself... we would love to work with you.
So anyway, congrat's on the laser.. I am back home.. it was a painful day .....very painful... the shots are what hurt around the lips.. ouch...
Carrie :)
Hugs Carrie, my top lip was just painful too. When I was done I just felt so happy. I don't care about the pain.
I wet to the therapist, gym and group Thursday and this is what was occued:
Gym
My trainer absolutely took every ounce of energy out of my body and I am sore today, a good sourness. She has me looking in mirrors and I shift my view to local guys in the area. Although, I did look at myself a bit and the inevitable focused of the many flaws. I only see the guy in the mirror and girl in my head. I was going to say something but I am at a loss of how to put it. She knows I am trans.
Group
Group was rough. One of the girls is having a difficult time and It hurts seeing her this way. We supported her the best way we could.
Therapist
1) Went over that I am finally clear for self injections, YAY :)
2) Came out to completely supportive sister and office manager,
4) Went over the 10 week plan ( length my bottle of estrogen lasts). The plan is to come out to sister, brother and brother in law, pay in advance the therapist and trainer for 10 weeks, start laser and get some makeup. Next bottle next plan :)
5) Went over last Sunday a really bad dysphoria wave. I was triggered and went back to when I was little. She asked if I ever am going to forgive myself. I said no after a long pause. I forgave my Mom, Dad and brother but I can not forgive myself. I know exactly why I did what I did and I still can not understand why the others did what they did but I can forgive them but not myself. I think I still have a lot of self hatred and it hurts. If there is a god then I am going to hell because I use to pray for help and now I just ask why and express extreme anger and bitterness. If there is a god, I cannot forgive god for doing this. When I awoke the next day my mental state was better.
6) Went over 2 years ago I realized god was not going to help me and I had to help myself.
7) Went over the laser session.
( I do not want to offend anyone who is religious. I use to be very religious but I no longer believe in god yet I address god when I am in deep despair, perhaps it is habit or deep down inside there is still belief. I just would like to know why. )
I just sent a coming out e-mail to my brother. He is in Asia somewhere and it may be a few weeks for a response.
I had issues with him when I was young but I have forgiven him. I wait to see his response.
Below it the e-mail:
I just saw the new e-mail on the bottom of your last post.
I hope you are doing well and are safe.
Hi from Sunny xxxxxxx. Tomorrow will have a high of 55. xxxxxx just had her last softball game for the season, not too soon.
Work is going well and we are very busy, ebola preparing, construction and inspections.
I have something I would like to share with you. xxx and xxxx know ( xxxx for 20 months and xxxxx 3 months) and I informed xxxx this week. xxxxx does not want anyone to know so I am asking for you to keep it private and do not share.
I am transgender. I have been seeing a gender therapist for 2 years, been on HRT for 17 months and been going to group for 10 months. I go to a LGBT primary care and they are wonderful.
In December 2012 I got help for something I have been dealing with all my life. My coping mechanisms were overwhelmed and I had only two choices.
I love my family and I chose to live and face who I am.
I am the same person, perhaps a little different, and I hope you will understand.
I bet you were not expecting this and you may be asking why am I disclosing? I have made a lot of bad choices in my life, this is not one of them. Although xxxx does not want anyone to know I need to disclose. A closet is a place for cloths and a hell to live in. Being free is the only way to live and grow.
Love xxxxx
My brother texted me in route to someplace. He has been in Asia for 16 years.
He said I have his full support and understanding.
He said he will e-mail when he gets to where he is going.
WOW! I am a happy girl again. Next my brother - in law.
Wow these updates are so awesome!
The trough is why many of us just stick with daily oral E.
Hugs Cynthialee, thank you.
Went to Therapist, Gym and Group Thursday and spoke to Brother-in-law tonight and we discussed:
Brother-in Law
He was completely supportive and said he loves me and it changes nothing and he will always be there for me. We talked for 1/2 an hour. I did tear up during the talk and while typing this. Niece's and nephew's some time in the future after I tell my wife I am out to some family. I am a happy girl again.
Therapist
1) I am reading, "Outing Yourself" and admitted to myself I really am only sexually attracted to guys and can only be with my wife thinking she is a guy during sex. She asked how I was feeling and I said dirty like I did when I was younger. I took a lot of crap when I was younger and felt dirty when I had sex with guys. I had sex when I was really young and I still have that feeling of shame and that I am doing something wrong.
2) I told the therapist I just looked at my college diploma last year and hung it up in my office with my license. I told her I never looked at my high school diploma. she asked why and I told her I felt like I did not belong. I was an outsider and I had a lot of issues in college with gender and sex. I told her I never fit in and I had alcohol and drug friends and not a true friend I was honest with. There was one true friend in high school and he dumped me in senior year for a girl ( that really hurt).
Group
Group was good, no one was threatening suicide this week. We revisited last week and the person was in a much better place. I practice the 7 main reasons not to kill yourself from 101 reasons not to kill yourself. One is to help others and I helped her last week and this week. She was extremely grateful and I said I am the one who is being helped. She looked puzzled. It gives me a reason to be here, if not for her someone else, even myself.
Gym
My trainer is very cool. We discussed nutrition (she makes super healthy variety meals for others) and meditation and where to go ( I need to learn meditation to cope better and accept). Each week I let a little bit of me out and she is very accepting. I talked about my addictions, weight / eating disorder and using 10 week commitments / plans ( I told her the basis of the 10 weeks is how long a bottle of E lasts) to go forward and what I do to cope with my stresses. I briefly mentioned mirrors and I hate them during the routines.
I had a really fantastic week. I can not believe how accepting my immediate family has been.
I just did my third shot, this time unsupervised on my bed, just incase.
I did it without a problem. I had the start of an uneasy feeling afterwards and I just told myself it was nothing stop it. I walked around and I think this helped.
I know this is not a big deal for most but for me it is a big achievement. I never thought I could do this and as time passed I had to do it. I knew it had better effect from the girls in group but I had no idea how well I would react to the medication. I look forward to the next 10 days :)
Happy girl again :)
Cynthia,
Just read your October 24th post... you help me in many ways...
I feel so much like you.. we seem similar in many ways but we should since we both are dealing with basically the same thing and things..
I had a meltdown this weekend when I had thought my wife went to the bathroom at a club but she was chatting with a dude..
I have given her the green light to date.. and see others but we were in a town for first time since I started this so it was my old male territory..
The male part of me came out... and then the inner conflict took over later and I cried for a long time ....reality hit me hard...
I called my therapist and told her we needed more than just an hour tomorrow... i have a lot to talk about..
I don't think I am as strong as I thought I was.. to handle a lot of this..
Anyway hope you have a great week....
Love Ya,
Carrie
Hi Carrie, hugs
I know this is incredibly difficult on you. You shared so much with your wife and it is not easy to let go and let her start a new life without you. You will always have the memories of the good times and your children. You are starting a new life too so it is equally hard on her. Perhaps seeing it happen focused everything up close. I hope you can get relief; I am sorry you experienced this, love Cindy.
When I consider how difficult some girls have it and their resolve to be true to self in spite of it all I am humbled and shamed.
I know for a fact that had Sevan not been on board with my transition I would still be living a mans life. I know I would not have been able to go it alone and make a go of it without my spouses support.
Hi Cynthialee, hugs
When I go to group there are girls that are so strong and have it so incredibly difficult. I do not know how they do it. I see so many on the street it is heart breaking. I am helping one but I wish I could help them all. I am so lucky to be alive and get all the help I get, love Cindy.
Hey girls.
I am better now... sometimes I think the hormones can really mess with me.. I just had finished my normal course of progesterone.. seems to affect me ..
Good news today is my daughter is having a Bday party for one of the grandkids and it was not long ago she wanted me out of their lives.. now she can't get me there enough.. she wants them to see me change so its not all at once.. Not sure what changed..
Love you girls,
Carrie
Hi Carrie, I am happy you are feeling better. Hormones definitely influence how we feel about personal issues.
Yesterday at work the Office manager ( I am out to) said my face looked really good and then later in the beginning of a meeting a guy said I looked different and had a glow. He asked what I was doing and did I change my diet.
I went to the therapist, gym and group tonight and this is what happened.
Therapist
1- I told her I came out to my brother-in-law and that he was fantastic. I gave the details.
2- Discussed the book "Outing Yourself" and pertinent parts. This book is helping me a lot even though if is for gay and lesbians.
3- Went over one guy squeezing my boobs at work, one guy I think hit on me and another guy that is cute. All three are cute. She talked about the sexual harassment of the guy that squeezed my boobs and I said I can not survive making charges. She asked how I felt and I said a little embarrassed and a little bit I liked it.
4- I went over what my sister asked and said. She asked what meds I am on (she is a nurse).I told her E, P, Spiro, finasteride and occasional Cialis. She asked what the Cialis was for and does my wife have sex with you? I know the question was not meant to hurt but it did. I told my sister of my past and she asked why I got married and all I could say is it was my fault. I did not know what else to say. My therapist and I went over the way my wife and I meet and how she and I immediately connected.
Gym
The workout was wonderful and I am making progress. I still need to work on my diet. She asked how much water I drink a day and she was surprised. I told her the effects of spiro. I then went over my meds and I said I had chest and neck pains since I was 18 and 3 days after starting HRT I never had them again. We talked a bit and she is really a great person.
Group
Group was great tonight. There was a conversation about HRT with a new girl. It was said 97% of the girls who go to where I go get meds right away after their blood test. After the meeting a girl asked me my time line and I said I did not have one and that I am doing what feels good and stretching my constraints. I told her I was not able to get HRT for 4 months and not allowed to go to group for 9 months because I had been suicidal and tried several times. I said I feel so alive now and I just want it to continue growing into myself.
I got a hug from one of the girls after I crossed the street, she ran over. I had given her some help a minute earlier and she is the one helping me. The feeling is the best feeling in the world. While driving home later I realized there were two trans hugging on the busy sidewalk and no one notice or said anything. We were in the gayborhood but still it felt very good to not be harassed for expressing friendship and thanks.
Cynthia,
Someone once asked me why I got married in the first place.. I was like.. seriously.. I thought I was the only one in the world like me and I was just doing the dude thing I was supposed to do the best I could.. I did pretty damn good at it too...
The person is a lesbian and she of all people should understand...
Sounds like you are doing awesome...
I feel like ten times better. Even worked out twice today.... trying to reach a certain weight goal by January.. its hard work.
Have a great Friday and weekend Cynthia.
Carrie
Actually spelling my name Keri now.. need to change it sometime on here..
Little secret....
I have sex with my spouse and this in no way invalidates my gender identity.
But as my spouse is in the transmasculine camp it kind of seems right in a way. In my weird world men have vagina and women have penis.
Quote from: cynthialee on November 02, 2014, 11:22:44 AM
Little secret....
I have sex with my spouse and this in no way invalidates my gender identity.
But as my spouse is in the transmasculine camp it kind of seems right in a way. In my weird world men have vagina and women have penis.
Cynthialee,
I remember someone once saying they were gender fluid.. and I was like what?? how can that be..
Now I understand.. totally...
I was at a club and a chick hit on me.. or liked me.. and she was with her boyfriend/husband.. not sure.. and I sat down with them and we had a blast.. even told them I was trans.. the girl was really hot and invaded my space which was ok with me and the dude was like so handsome... talk about being in heaven.. until my soon to be ex wife dragged me out of there thinking they were both after me..LOL I was like thanks so much for saving me.....Not!! Sorry that was off the subject.. but thought you would enjoy the story. I am not full time yet but I confuse people.. it was the first time a dude has ever bought me a drink.. made my night.
Carrie
Cynthialee and Keri, hugs
Keri, I hope you go back to the club next weekend and the couple is there :)
Cynthialee, thanks for reinforcing there is no trans rules about sex and love.
My wife when I told her I am trans immediately thought I was going to leave her for a guy. It took a while to convince her I was not telling her I was leaving but that I was trans.
My sister thought all trans sexuality was heterio and my wife would be grossed out by me. I admit there were times she had to stop having sex (early on) because she could not handle being with me.
Both my sister and wife were honest in what they thought and with my wife it took time, consistency and reinforcement to alter her perception. The future is not written and I am just grasping to remain in the present. When I am faced with ignorance expressed as innocent comments or statements it hurts.
I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday and had issues Tuesday and Thursday night:
Therapist
1) My therapist had lent me a book. "outing Yourself". I liked this book even though it was from 1994 and about LGB. I had no idea LGB suffered the same dysphoria and self hate as trans for other than non-body and gender issues. Also, it was a step by step process on coming out and it is very pertinent and useful.
2) Went over my surprise at how those family I came out to later called and came out themselves about their sexuality and addictions and children's addictions. I am clean and sober 17 years. It took me many years for my body to recover. I had a passing thought that I am the most "normal" in my family. I never expected the sharing of information and I a lot of people have heavy burdens. I use to think I was the dumb and weak one in the family. I have been facing my fears and changing my behaviors, I am learning to be me and it feels so good. I guess I have something to be proud about.
Gym
My trainer really works me hard during the hour. She is fantastic. She asked why I don't look in the mirrors as she instructs over and over during the work-out ( for form control). I just looked down and shrugged. She knows I am trans and I had in the past done over my meds prior to starting training. She said ok and then changed the subject to my eating success and opportunities during the week. she had taken me to the Main weight areas where I never would have dared to go by myself and I told her that. She seamed surprised.
Group
Group was fantastic with the exception of one girl being escorted out for a rules violation. She is such a nice person and I feel bad for her. I hope she comes next week. She is usually such a positive influence and she has so much to offer us in experience and perspective. Everyone there is recovering so I know how hard it is and we all deal with dysphoria and social anxiety in our own ways.
Tuesday Night
I came home from work and I did not feel like voting. My wife edged me to vote and I was heading out to when she said who am I voting for. I said that is personal and I did not want to discuss it. She asked a few more times and she was getting mad. She said you know republicans do not support trannies. I said that is a derogatory term and she said it a few more times. I left, voted and when I came back I sat next to her and told he I voted and she asked who for and was really demanding and wanted to know why I have everything as a secret. I thought and then I said straight D. She looked away and continued with words with friends. Wednesday I told her why it is so difficult for me to tell her who I vote for. 1) Others will know how I feel and 2) I fear being judged by others for the smallest of things.
Thursday night
I came home from group 2 hour and 40 minutes later than a normal work night. I do this every week. My wife was angry I go to group and started an argument and my daughter got into the argument. The things that were said to me were really ugly. I asked if they know what homo-phobia and trans-phobia is. My wife said homo-phobia is fear of homos and trans phobia is fear of trans. I asked them if they know what dysphoria is and they had some dumb answer. I had in the past provided books and articles but they did not read them and they do not listen to me. Last night and today was bad and it peaked coming home. 1.5 hours of crying in my car. I had the worst cravings to get numb I have had in years. I thought of moving out or doing something to end the pain. I am lucky it was rush hour and traffic was very slow. I got it out and although I feel drained I am better. My daughter is sleeping over a friends tonight. I just can not get it out of my mind what she was saying to me. A piece of me died last night. She really does not love me anymore and pure hate was expressed last night. She ended it with, "I am dead to her".
I stood my ground and I will not stop going to my therapist, group or the gym. My daughter will be going off to college in September and I hope she can grow personally well as with her studies. I am doing what I need to keep healthy and engaged. I know they do not know how their words hurt and added to my dysphoria. I have already made my choice and they have not realized I can not go back.
I know the hurt will fade and I am ok now.
I feel for you Cynthia. It saddens me to know that your wife and your daughter both are ganging up on you with the hurt. I am sorry.
I am hopeful, however, to see you bring up high points in the same post as your low ones. Keep looking up, it will get better with your bright hope and attitude!
*hugs*
Sarah Marie
Cynthia,
Sorry you had some bad experiences this week.. I hope you do something for yourself this weekend, I know this is trivial but I was upset because the new movie Interstellar came out and I want to go see it.. I am a huge fan of anything that fly's especially when it has to do with space travel..
Anyway I have no one to go with.. my wife does not like those movies and no friends to make time.. so I just bought a ticket and realize I might have to get used to doing things by myself...sometimes.
So, if you like movies like that .. may be something to see. Its almost three hours long... should be interesting movie..
So, take care..
Hugs
Carrie
Thank you Sarahmarie and Carrie, hugs
This week my wife stopped using the word >-bleeped-< and is using trans or transgender, she is making an effort to change :)
I went to the Therapist, Gym, Group and work and these are the highlights:
Therapist
1) I went over the particulars of what was said and the cause of last Thursday nights issues at home (my jeans and top). One thing is certain my wife and daughter are completely ignorant on trans issues.
2) I was able to get 70% reimbursement form my insurance company for therapy including past sessions. It was 30%. :) This changed when I change therapists and it took 11 months to find out why and get it corrected.
3) I discussed what was past laser which is electrolysis. I really want my Adams apple shaved although it is very small. I discussed an orchi and my wife may see that as an issue but not a game changer. My therapist said what if you do not stay with you wife and it limits your chances for GRS later. She has a good point but perhaps this it something for later decisions when I see just how well I respond to HRT injections 6 months to a year and see if I can further grow my identity and be totally out and express.
Gym
My trainer kicked my butt and it felt good. She uses different exercises each week (some are the same but done differently). I used kettles this week for the first time. They seamed simple at first but quickly became a challenge. I did many exercised I thought I could not do, that was cool. She kept saying do not doubt yourself, you can do it. She really wants me to use the mirrors for form and said a few times, "why don't you use the mirror" and "I will break you of the habit of looking down instead of the mirror". I wanted to tell her but there were two guys in the room and I did not want to say I am deformed and ugly. I really do not like my reflection or any pictures.
Group
Group went well and I really like going. There are so many different trans there and each is on a different path or part of their journey. Three things said really hit home. Self doubt (brief and associated with extreme despair ), misgendering even though fully dresses and waiting for hormones. I think we really made a difference in some girls lives in group. Everything said I can relate to and everyone "gets it" like we share something in common, go figure. There were two beautiful girls in group and I dwelled on that a bit today. The only if I addressed my fears when I was young thing, vey real and painful.
Work
I filled out an employee questionnaire for hazmat training with PAPR, hazard trash removal and monitor training starting next week. This is a volunteer only training for a potential response. I had to answer a questionnaire with about 150 questions as a first step. I thought I would get through it then the question what medications are you on and list them. I listed fin, spiro, delestrogen and progesterone. I pause before I submitted the form. Well, I guess I am now out to Employee Health :) . I guess they will know why my hair is long and I smile a lot. It felt good hitting the button and knowing 4 or 5 will soon know, odd how things change. Maybe next time I do my TB, flue and health screening I will fill out the F box on the forms.
Overall a pretty great week.
I received an e-mail from the Director of Employee Health stating I need to make an appointment tomorrow with a Nurse Practitioner in Employee Health to review my meds that I listed on the volunteer questioner, (This is a volunteer for something not many are volunteering for.) Spiro, Fin, Delestrogen and progesterone. Also, I checked off diabetic (hA1C has been 5 to 5.2 for 1.5 years and my non fasting blood sugar is 89 from my last blood test in September).
I have known these Nurses for a very long time and talk to them frequently. Part of my nervousness is they now know I am trans and this is a first meeting as such another part is I will be evaluated ( I hope I do not have to take my shirt off or undress) and lastly they will make a determination.
I have been working on addressing my fears with my therapist. This one presented today and I need to hit it head on tomorrow.
Still here reading.
Hi Cynthialee, I am glad you are still reading, Hugs
Thursday I went to the therapist, gym and group
Group
Group was depressing. There were a lot of emotions in the room. It was trans day of remembrance. Then with about 20 minute left the moderator asked if there was anything we were thankful for and no skips. So it went from bad to very bad. I felt a bond form from what was said. I keep thinking of all the pain and suffering in that room.
Gym
Went well and I got my core ripped apart :) She gives me nutritional advice and I am starting to listen and change my behaviors. Oh, and my legs are starting to look beautiful :) .
Therapist
I am in a reoccurring cycle with my wife. For example, I get asked what I want for Christmas. I show her then she says some mean things and solicits comments from my daughter. So my therapist said do not fall into the cycle. So I have a plan. I wanted a North Face Alpine coat. I am 6'3" and my wife is right it probably will not fit. So I found a coat, stylish in a male selection that looks just like the female selection only the female selection is narrower in the waist. My therapist said she knows a FTM who is super cool that would Taylor it. I was thinking perhaps I could have some tops tailored too.
My therapist is into empowering and I think I need to start doing and stop thinking.
Home
When I got home Thursday, like every Thursday there is an argument. This time I left a pair of panties on the dryer. My wife asked if it was mine or our daughters. I had a little chuckle, looked in the light, said my daughters then change my mind because she has Victoria Secret and I do not. My wife said it is sad my husband has the same style panties as our daughter. There was more said. I did not back down then my daughter said she did not have a Dad anymore and she did not believe people are transgender. That took the wind out and I stopped in my tracks. I was hurt.
Work
I am in a HRC report with my picture. It is about Hospital ratings on LGBT ( I need to lose a little in the love handles and I am working on it). (During the Pride parade some trans from the crowds came up to me en route and walked with me, it felt very good. I guess I look trans because I was the only one they were walking with and dancing to) I e-mailed my boss saying I was going to thank the COO (President) about the HRC score but thought it may be inappropriate. I said I am fine if he wanted to disclose my gender to her and that I am thankful for all the hard work the hospital has done in the past two years for all the patients, families and staff.
Thursday Group was tough but I feel so connected with the group I do not know if it was good or bad. Perhaps a little of both. I think I grew a bit that night.
I ordered some tops today :) I really like what I picked out and can not wait to get them.
I am going to discuss with my therapist the requirements for procedures at least get the requirements met for Dr. McGinn in the New Hope area, PA. If anyone has any info on her work and opinions please post.
Hey Girl,
Hope you have a great week.. I am flying to Boston Tuesday to see Spiegel.. should be interesting.... :)
Keri AKA Carrie
Hi Keri, Good luck with your consultation :)
I went to my Therapist Monday and my Physicians Assistant today:
Therapist
I said want to pursue surgeries and the documentation for the surgeries. We discussed how my wife and daughter would act on the news and subsequent changes. My therapist recommended I save for a new place to live and get prepared. I slept very little knowing what I finally am going to do and the ramifications. I have been on the fence for a very long time and it is really not a good place to be. I am starting to resent my wife and daughter and I have not even shared with them my plan. My therapist said to make a plan with time line. I need to contact benefits and get a copy of the written Trans health benefits. Aetna directed me to my employer for the document. They did provide me a chart, which I had, and it said Aetna deemed FFS not necessary. I said you know if I was single I would get on with transition much quicker but I probably would never be with someone again. She said never and I said well I would with Dusty (My PA).
Went over injecting a bit early and the battle I am having with not addressing what I was going to do with my PA and rationalizing what I wanted until I did it. I said I would disclose to my PA today.
I ordered some cloths (tops) and discussed a makeover. I got two places at group for a makeover and I have one other. My therapist said If I had a good wig and properly applied makeup I would pass without surgeries. I just can not see it.
I said I had this thought, I wonder if I feel the same as CIS people feel when I am on HRT. Because with HRT I feel amazing. She said we have no reference to what trans feels like. She realized what she said and reframed her answer.
Physicians Assistant
I had my laser treatment but before that he asked how the IM shots are going. I said I do not faint and smiled but then said I definitely feel at day 10 there is no effect. He said in March at our next HRT checkup he would review my blood and then he said we can discuss 10 day cycles. I was so happy and I feel bad I could not be honest with him. I just could not say it and I phrased it so I did not look like an untrustworthy lying patient. All he has is my best interest at heart. After the laser he rubbed my shoulder and said Cynthia you did very good. all the pain from laser just vanished. I thanked him, smiled wished each other a happy holiday and off I went.
I went to my Primary Care last night and had a laser treatment with my PA. As I went into the room he asked how are the injections going and are you noticing progress. I said it is fantastic but that at day 10 I can really feel the medication wear off. He said lets see how your blood work is in March and then we can talk 10 day cycles. I was very happy and I thought I need to go back to 14 day cycles and I am too weak to tell him what I did and was planning.
When I walked into the room and looked at him half of my ability to think left the room. I have a crush on him and as he was leaning over me doing the laser I imagined he was on me. When we were done the laser he said I did well and rubbed my shoulder. I said it was not bad and smiled.
you need to cork those hormonal driven feelings for your PA right now!
Silly teenagers.... ::)
Hi Cynthialee, he is tall, beautiful eyes, short hair and beard and a voice I just love. My face is so hot right now :)
I went to the therapist, gym and group.
Therapist
My therapist recommended I volunteer for the Philadelphia Trans* Health Conference. I immediately said I would and signed up today. I will volunteer to work the conference too and I will put in for volunteer time from work :) My boss will love this; I think the request goes through HR.
I told my therapist I was very emotional driving home and to work Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday. I really hate being between male body and female mind and on the fence to proceed. My next steps most likely will end my marriage and relationship with my daughter. Still, I can not get these feeling out of my mind.
I told my therapist last Thursday I wend home after group for the 4th time in a row my wife gave me a very hard time and she and my daughter were very disrespectful. She asked if I got angry or did anything in response and I said no. I am thinking about getting an apartment. My wife had a fit when I took my jacket off last night when I came home from group. I thought I looked good. I had fitted jeans and a sweater, white with blue threads. I thought it brought out my blue green eyes, just making light of a bad situation.
Gym
My trainer kicked my butt last night.
Group
Uneventful but vey good with a lot of sharing.
I did my IM injection t 3:30 this morning. By 8 I started to feel happy and at 10 I felt a little bit sick to my stomach which passed when I ate.
I spoke with my health insurance "handler" about trans procedures and the electronic document so I can plan my time line and plan. I think I will immediately start with head hair restoration and continue with face hair removal. I will work to get all the letters to comply for the future procedures.
My wife has commented 4 or 5 times now that I have been looking pale lately. When I look at woman's faces they are much paler than male faces. I have been on IM for 10 weeks and pills for 15 months. On pills I was never pale.
I had several people, one male that asked what was I doing because my face had a glow ( and then said what ever it is keep it up) and another (Office Manager) that commented my face had a glow and last week my face was fuller.
I never noticed but I just looked in the mirror ( not my best friend) and my face is pale. My next blood test is in March unless I suspect something is wrong.
How many noticed their face is pale? How many have had comments about a glow?
your E levels go through a cycle with these shots
When your E levels are at their highest it is sorta similar to a woman's cycle when she is ovulating. During this period those attracted to females tend to be more attracted to the woman. Her complexion somewhat pales and this accentuates the redness of lips which is a sign of fertility. Also there is a more full face thus giving a plumper appearance than normal, this is another sign of fertility.
Take notice of when men and lesbians compliment you in relation to when you have your shots. Bet you a dollar to a donut that there is a direct correlation.
That makes sense about the cycle. I'm on tablets but I'm following the cycle. I'll watch out for compliments!
Cynthialee, you are 100% correct. I get the complements and comments when my E is at the higher part of the cycle. I can not wait till March when I go to 10 day cycles, hugs.
Mary, I never received a complement on pills. Perhaps it just took more time but I think it is the cycle. I get a high libido too, hugs.
I went to the therapist, group and gym today.
Therapist
We discussed my time line, what is needed and how to go about getting the needed information and meeting the requirements. I have a goal before the next meeting. I said I would tell my wife I joined the LGBT gym. I have to tell her I joined and not say I was thinking of joining. Not hiding is very difficult for me.
Group
We had a great group tonight. We are going to put together a proposal for a session at the PTHC (Philadelphia Trans Health Conference) in June.
Gym
My trainer kicked my butt today. She point blank asked me why I do not like to look at the myself in the mirrors while exercising. She has asked me this every time for the past 10 training sessions. Sometimes several times in a session. I will look at an object but not myself. She asked me point blank tonight and would not take a deflect answer. She knows I am trans too. I looked at her and said I do not like mirrors. Then I said I do not like seeing myself in mirrors. It clicked and she said to focus on an object.
In the coed locker room there was a guy in there when I was getting changed to exercise. I put on my sports bra and work out cloths and when to exercise. Coming back after exercising there were 2 guys in the locker room. I did what I had to do and I felt like ok lets do this. I kept my back to them but it was embarrassing.
Hey Cynthia! You shouldn't be in a locker room with men - you're a woman dammit! Take care of yourself, and that includes being in a woman only space when you need to. Don't accept any argument on this.
I'm OK with mirrors now although it needs a bit of dissociation when I shave. Otherwise I can see what I know I really am.
Hi Mary, hugs
I need to get over this but I feel so odd because I look like a guy. Even when I go to group at Mazzoni wearing a top, bra and fitted jeans, where I think everyone is LGBT and we are told to use the bathroom that make us comfortable I use the men's room. One of the girls said to me 3 weeks ago that eventually the men's room will not be safe.
I think I will make using the ladies room at group a goal. After I get FFS (if I can get FFS) then that would a perfect time. I think I would fit in better. Then after grs I will be very comfortable in the ladies locker and bathrooms everywhere.
I shave my face in the shower. I look at my face for grooming reasons daily but I see flaws.
I had my third laser session today. When I saw my PA I asked if I could please go to a 10 day IM cycle. It was on my mind so much I think I burst out the question. He said yes :).
My laser is over and now on to electrolysis for the light hair.
I asked if he would write a letter for FFS and GRS and he said yes and just let me know when you want it. :)
We talked about my wife and daughter and their not accepting me and he said some of the most amazing things. It is like he read my mind. He said I was an outstanding husband and father but I have been living for others and now it is time to live for myself and other such comments.
I went to my therapist, gym and group Thursday.
Therapist
I told her about my laser treatment (last) and onward to electrolysis. My PA was talking to me and asking how my home life was while he was zapping me and I had my face turned on side facing his lower torso. Needless to say I had difficulty speaking. I told her I was allowed 10 day IM :). I also mentioned how empowering Dusty is. I also mentioned he said he would write letters for me for FFS and GRS and said I far exceeded the requirements. I asked my therapist if she would write the letters for ffs and grs for me and she said yes and I far exceeded her requirements. I asked what her requirements were and I far exceed them. I asked if she worked with a Psychiatrist who will writ me letters after say 3 visits and she said she would get back to me. I texted my wife I joined the 12 street gym (LGBT gym).
Gym
My trainer really kicked my butt. She is 57 and looks absolutely wonderful and at most 45. She came in 3rd in her class in the Spartan challenge this summer. She is trying to get me to another fitness level and it hurts. I have found that exercise balls and kettles are torcher devices :) .
Group
I got a lot of support last night from the group. I take a lot of crap at home and when I go home from group I really get a lot of crap. Because I told my wife I joined the gym I knew I was in for a lot of crap. On a side note I asked one of the girls how she got letters from a Mazzoni Psychiatrist. She said (because I see an outside gender therapist) I need 10 therapist sessions and 3 Psychiatrist sessions and then they will write the letters.
Home
My wife followed me into the bedroom when I got home. She inspected my bag. She demanded I take off my coat and this week she said my top wasn't bad. Then she inspected my toes and fingers for polish. (I felt like I was with my Mom when I was young) . She expressed several times emotionally I was pushing her away, that I am a liar and that I am breaking her heart. She said that I said I would not wear woman's cloths and I have no memory of that. So to keep the peace I just said I am a liar. I did not apologize.
ME
I am beginning to realize my transition and my marriage most likely will not coexist and that at some point I will be alone. I will lose my wife and daughter, my two best friends, and the ones I want to share being myself with the most. I guess time will tell.
This week I told my wife I joined the gym, got Dusty to allow 10 day IM, asked Dusty and my therapist if they would write letters and found an alternate Psychiatrist letter rout if my Therapist does not have a person I can use.
I was thinking, I really like wearing fitted jeans and tops. There is nothing sexual that I get from expressing but it feels good and reaffirming. The cloths I wear are typical woman's cloths and nothing flashy. I know I do not fit the mold but I feel better. When my wife criticizes what I am wearing and degrades me I get a feeling deep down and I think how dare you and what gives you the right to tear me down.
I went to my therapist today because my normally scheduled day is Christmas. I have the trainer tomorrow for the same reason.
Therapist.
1) I used my higher pitch voice for the first time today on a person. She said it was very good it sounded natural and it is like my own voice, which is not deep, but higher. Also she said it was not strained and that she has heard a lot of traswoman's voices and that it was very good. My male voice, I have been told is on the high side of male and in no way deep.
I definitely need practice with people because I caught a lot of fluctuation ( it seamed like a lot but it was not in reality) and I caught the pitch ebb at times. The thing is I have been practicing for 2 years and never used it in conversation with someone else. My therapist said I should us it in group. If I get OK feedback from group I may try it on Susan's.
I know it is not a big thing but to me it was big.
2) I went over what my wife did when I got home on from group Thursday.
3) Went over what my wife did in the supermarket. She wanted red plastic plates which they were out of. They had white, blue and clear. I said did you see the clear plates and she got mad and said do you think I am blind or stupid. I said no they are just words. She said just words, ok, you are a >-bleeped-< freak in a very mean way and in my face. I walked away for a few minutes. I thought it would feel so good to just keep walking. I came back and continued shopping after 2 minutes.
4) I asked if she found a Psychologist and she said all are on vacation and I said ok lets give it till January 5. There is a Director at work I can contact that is the Director of the Trans program that I can e-mail and ask for names if the other route is not successful.
5) I said I do no know how I would approach my wife about FFs and GRS. I love her and I do not want to hurt her but it is something I have wanted for a very long time and I have a shot at this. She asked where I envisioned I be in 5 years and I said in an apartment in the gayborhood. I just can not see my wife tolerating a full transition. I will try but I think she will not have any of it.
My therapist said I need to start expanding my circle of friends in my community.
6) I went over how unbelievably accepting the gym is. I said I just can not imagine being in one of the large commercial gyms. She agrees the 12th street gym is pretty unique and the member are very accepting of everyone. I said I am able to get dressed and undressed in the co-ed locker room. I said it is odd, no one bats an eye. She said why do you thing they are in a co-ed locker room, paying a premium and not the general locker rooms? I said oh, they are not comfortable in locker rooms.
7) Got my first and not last mani-pedi after the therapy session.
I had my monthly one on one with my boss today and went to the gym
Boss
I went through my agenda and when done he asked how my personal life is ( He knows I am trans). I said I had a Gantt chart and time line for FFS and Grs. He asked what they were and I told him. I told him I am now on IM of estrogen and how it is wonderful for me mentally and psychologically and that it decreased my dysphoria. He asked what dysphoria is and I told him it is a feeling of unwell. So gender dysphoria is a feeling of unwell about my gender and sexuality dysphoria is a feeling of unwell about my sexuality. I explained how homophobia and transphoba leads to self hate and how bad that is.
He said I will support me but I will be alone at work and some may say things. I told him I have dealt with that (poorly in the past) all my life. He said others will think I am confused. I told him I am apprehensive about dressing at work and walking in the atrium or the control room but I will. He said a lot of people will not understand and some will express hate and they will not want to hear reasoning especially from me. (My boss is also a University professor and on a school board. )
I told him I have 2 of the three people I need to write the letters I need for the surgeries and that I m working on the third person. When I do I then will request FFS and GRS through insurance at work.
We had to go to our next meetings so we went our separate ways.
Gym
My trainer worked me hard and it felt good. I was laughing at one point and she asked why (this was when I was on a large ball and I was supported with my head and upper back and hips thrust up and doing dumbbell presses. My glutes were on fire and I was laughing. I told her about my conversation with the time line and procedures and how my boss was speechless for a little while and the look on his face was priceless. My trainer is variant and I am out to her.
I forgot. I got my first mani-peti Tuesday. I did not get color this time but I will next time on my toes. I was super nervous but I walked in and an an Asian lady grabbed me and put me in a chair and we started. It was so relaxing. The chair gave me a massage ad my feet were soaking and being worked on. My nails look great.
Last night was worse than the day I told my wife I am trans. Today I have to travel 3 hours in the car to visit my wife's father. I will be with my wife and daughter in the car and I dread the trip.
I know being trans is not my fault. I know every stem I take makes me feel better about my identity but the pain, hurt and anguish is the price I am paying and it is overwhelming.
I have made some poor choices in my life because I tried to hide and cope now all that I made is based on lies. I am learning to address an issue and be honest and it hurts.
Today started off really bad. The ride up to Reading PA was so difficult. My wife was crying the whole ride up. On the way home she slept. My wife, daughter and I did not say a single word in the 3 hours of driving. My wife is sleeping now.
I have work tomorrow and I look forward to it. I feel so bad I am trans and I hid this from my wife.
So this is what happened.
We were opening gifts last night and my wife purchased me two male sweaters and 2 male shirts. When I opened up the box I smiled and said thanks. Later after her sister left my wife said the look on my face was of disapproval and kept asking why. I just kept repeating I do not like the colors or style. After a while she said it is because they are not woman's cloths. Then things went South fast. She kept asking what my plans were and was I going to wear woman's cloths full time and get procedures. I avoided the questions then she said she had a right to know. I told her I am going to get electrolysis (I did not tell her laser was done) and that I am trying to get my hair corrected. I then said I wanted FFS and GRS. Things got bad. I remained calm and answered her questions. Some 4 or so hours of this went on. My daughter was there and she does not want anything to do with me if I transition. She said I can not come to her graduation if I do not cut my hair.
Looks like my Boss so far was right.
Sending you biiiiig cyber hugs. :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: Please know we're here to support you during these difficult times, and, you never know, your wife may eventually come around. In any case remember this; your transitioning because you need to in order for you to be happy,and being trans isn't your fault. Alot of friends and family are shocked at first, but eventually become more accepting when they see how much happier you are since beginning transition vs, how depressed and unhappy you were prior to it. ;)
Best wishes! :icon_bunch:
Ally :icon_flower:
Thank you Allyda, I appreciate the support, hugs
It is a lot more calm tonight. My wife and daughter have not mentioned anything this evening. I guess it may have been good. At least my wife knows what I am planning. I just can't share the details and how I feel with her. It is tough to face her and share. I know I will get unconditional negative support and emotional waves of painful crying.
At work today I came out to another Sr. Director. I have known him for 27 years. We talked for an hour and I disclosed a good amount. He said he thought I was gay and in the last year he and his Maintenance Manager have discussed they though I was either gay or trans. He said it did not mater to him that I am trans. I also told him I am bi. He said when told him I was going to get married (22 years ago) he was very surprised.
I asked how he thought people would react if I had FFS and GRS, changed my name and wore woman's cloths. He said were we work it would be fine. The guys (we manage collectively 75 trades and operating engineers) would talk behind my back and some will hate. I said I know. He said some will joke about it to me. I said I know. He said eventually it would be ok in a few months. He said something I never expected. He said we need you here. Wow, that meant a lot.
Today, Saturday 12/27/2014 I sent an e-mail to schedule an electrolysis session on 1/5/2015 and I inquired about PRP and hair transplants to a plastic surgeon in Bala Cynwood, just outside Philadelphia. Insurance will cover electrolysis and hair transplants but not PRP. It is a 80% out of network then usually 80% customary cost so a little over 60% of the cost is covered. PRP is not covered. I will try to work a PRP/hair transplant deal. I signed the e-mails as Cynthia and disclosed I am trans. I plan to express for the appointments.
I scheduled my first electrolysis appointment or 1/5/2015, yay. The EC said I need to not shave 1 or 2 days before the treatment and to leave the chin and upper lip grow hair for 1 or 2 days first. We can go from there.
I was reading that for GCS I would need to have hair removed around my genitals or risk possible future infection. So I will need to talk to the EC about that. I will need to deal with exposing myself and that is a big deal to me.
I went to the gym today and my trainer kicked my butt. We also shared a bit. I shared how bad Christmas eve and Christmas day was and because I did not like the 2 male shirts and male sweaters my wife got me ( being returned). It wound up to having to choose in the future either my marriage or full transition. My trainer shared that her Mom is very over weight and it scares her and she gets very frustrated and emotional when she sees her Mom. Also, her Mom has circulation issues and it is really on her mind a lot. She also shared she was a fashion designer at one time then had to get away from the field because she ended up hating the thing she was doing. So, she became trainer 20 years ago. Sharing what we are afraid of and are going through really made a bond today. She still kicked my butt though :) Side note, there are some beautiful guys at the gym!
I came out to the Maintenance Operations Manager Monday. We chatted for over an hour. He said some really kind things. He said he felt sorry for me for how I hid who I am and for some of the things that took place when I was young. He also said I need to be who I am to be truly happy. Also, that the Hospital Doctors and Nurses and their leadership will be fine about me expressing but the trades people are not usually inclined to think critically so that may lead to hate. I expressed a concern my boss had that would put my position in jeopardy which is that my staff (operating engineers) may not follow my direction and I will be ineffective. I have a lot more confidence in the majority of the staff to tolerate and accept me. There will be outliers on both sides ( haters and welcomes).
I see my therapist Friday. Christmas eve and day are almost a week past and would have been a huge issue last Thursday but is now something I think was good to get out in the open and we processed our emotions and are close again. My wife even is wearing the earrings I got her :) She got me a beautiful coat that we negotiated. It does not have all of what I wanted but it is close and I have access to a FTM tailor :)
Wednesday, today, I was in the control room at shift change. We were talking about Christmas and other things. As with many shift change conversations after turnover and log review the Operators started complaining about money, competitive needs at home and past and present conquests. I am on the periphery and stop the conversations when they cross the line. One guy said to me your wife needs to keep an eye on you because you have boyish looks. I am 52 and HRT has had a dramatic positive effect on my face with my skin and fat under my skin. :)
My wife was doing a history search for a coffee website. She saw all the Susan's posts. She has read almost all the posts today. she also has my face book account and has gone through that.
I have destroyed her perception of me and I have destroyed 21 years of marriage. I took a chance on loving someone but hid who I am and my past. I guess it is time to pay for the happiness I have had for the past 22 years. She feels betrayed and in fear of the future. She also doubts herself. I love her dearly and don't want to make a choice.
She will read this.
Part of everything I do is gender dysphoric. The shower, mirrors, crowds, clothes, hair, my body, television and yes sex too. HRT has helped me greatly and enabled me to survive. Without it my dysphoria will overtake my coping ability and I would do something drastic. Just because a part of sex is dysphoric does not mean the sexual sharing, touching and closeness is anything less than earth shattering. I love you.
My wife wants me to make a choice. Transition or her. This is what I have feared and put off, the choice. She said she needs to know so she can plan her future. That is fair but something I just can't do. If I lose her I lose myself. If I don't transition I will lose myself. I just want to be numb.
Do you think she has already made the decision to leave you? In that case you need to take care of yourself.
Hi Mary,
No she wants me to decide between full transition or her. I trust her. She can not trust me and that is because I lied to her about mostly everything about my gender and sexuality. Even when she asked me several times if I had sex with men I lied. She is not upset about the sex so much as the lies. There is not too much hidden now and after she reads the rest of my posts I will be fully exposed.
I destroyed the trust. I lied to her and hid who I am. I still am hoping she will love me for me and support a full transition but that is just a dream.
She said I am a coward because I can not express how I feel or what I have done in the past. I do feel like a coward. I am not binary and I have had a lot of negative things said and done to me so I suppressed who I am and how I feel. I know what I tell her makes her really sad and upset but I will be truthful with her going forward. I owe her that.
My wife said she probably will not be able to have sex with me because I see myself as a female and her as a male when we have sex. I tried to explain this is how I see sex ever since I first masturbated and to this day. She does not understand this is one of my coping mechanisms.
I am so tired I just want to sleep. My head hurts even after Motrin.
She said your loving mother named you XXX and you want to change it. I do not want to sleep for fear of seeing my Mom and Dad in my dreams gain. I have only dreamt of them twice and both times they were not happy I am transitioning. I took care of them and when they died I was relieved they were out of pain. I have only dreamt of them twice and both times they expressed displeasure in my transitioning and expressed how was I going to take care of my wife and daughter.
When I look back at myself at different ages I kept telling myself I will be true to you and they look at me in disbelief. I have let everyone down, even myself.
I went to the therapist today and I discussed what has been going on in the past week.
She asked if I left Susan's open on purpose. I said my wife did a history search and opened up Susan's. Then read every post I made.
She said how do I feel about it. I said I destroyed my marriage and hurt the ones I love. I am ashamed of myself I feel like a freak, a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I hurt my wife and she did not deserve that and I feel horrible. My therapist said how do you feel that your deepest secrets are out. I said it is like when my mom and dad died. I was terribly sad they died but relieved they were out of their pain. Something I could not have ever told my wife and hid is now in the open. It is the essence of myself and most everyone can not accept it but it is out. I feel hollow but I am not hiding. I have never felt this way, I am completely exposed. I could not drive the situation and I have no control. There is no way to spin this and it is my hidden self exposed. I feel lost.
My therapist said this is really a lot, like everything fast forward all at once. I said my wife gave me two choices no procedures or divorce. She said she could get over the sex with men but not the lies. She had asked me if I had had sex with guys 2 years ago when I came out and I said no. She said she could never have sex with me until we sort out everything. Also, my wife said that no one ever loved her for herself but she thought I did but that now it is destroyed. That hurt and I hurt her and I feel so bad.
I said there are more choices. I want so badly to get numb. If I lose my family I will have nothing and I will be lost. I reassured her I would not drink or hurt myself. I told my therapist that drinking and stopping the pain is my mind a lot.
I lost almost all of my family, my church - which was when I found all of my so called "friends" were in that church - and eventually my home. However it did set me free to make the decision I was only vaguely considering at that time. I found a new home, new friends, and a church that really believes "we are all made in the image of God". Not just cis hetero white males. It's very hard at first but being true to yourself is so worth it.
Hi Mary,
My wife wants me to schedule an appointment with a FFS and GRS surgeon, get details and make a decision. She wants to know if I decide not to proceed or if I want to proceed. She does not want to be in limbo. If I choose to proceed she wants a divorce. If I choose to not proceed then we can stay together.
I would never leave her. I loved her and she is my soul mate. When I meet her I was 327 pounds and an alcoholic in a dive bar with holes in my shirt (Now I weigh 210 pounds and I am alcohol, drug and smoke free and I eat healthy). I found someone I felt comfortable with and wanted to be with. She is my friend and lover. I shared much of my life with her except I had secrets. She read all my secrets here and now I have a chance at being honest for the 1st time in my life. If I choose to proceed she will leave me.
I don't understand why God did not answer my prayers why he mad me the way I am. Where I work there are children that are very sick and I just don't understand why God would allow this. I was raised RC and went to Catholic grade school and a Catholic high school. I was so hurt by the experience I sent my daughter to public school and she was raised with no religion. I had so much guilt about what happened to me when I was small and so much guilt about how I felt about my gender and sexuality and the guilt was reinforced by priests, teachers and students.
I don't want to lose my wife and child and I don't want to lose myself. This is all too much too soon and I am not prepared. I just want to stop the pain in my head and the never ending dysphoria. I don't know if I am strong enough either way I choose. I wish I believed in god or something to help me through this.
way i see it, that's huge emotional blackmail. If she is willing to use any means as such to control you, your decision, and your future, is it really a mutual love? Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. I can understand this is not something she wants, but in my eyes, if she truly loves you, she'd want you to be happy, even if it meant the end of the relationship, not try to force you to go back in the closet for her to have what she wants and you to be miserable
Hi Alexis,
My wife has some very valid points. I completely hid my past with guys and my sexuality and how I cope having relations with her ( I have been doing the coping since I was 11 and first masturbated). She is Cis Hetero. and I am transsexual bi leaning to guys. This I hid and lied about 100%.
My wife does not want people to judge or associate her and my daughter with a trans-woman. She does not want people to talk behind her back and she does not want peoples pity. She is clear and to the point. Stay looking like a guy or if you have procedures we divorce. I will not leave and I love her and my daughter. They are my best friends and I would be lost without them. I do not think my wife could be by herself and I worry about her under normal situations. Also, if I delay in my decision she said she will leave. I have intake and HIPPA forms made up for the Papillon Center but I have an electrolysis appointment tomorrow and have not shaved since Friday and the intake forms want me to include a recent picture. I will need to shave before I take a pic, no way will I take a pic with whiskers for an intake form. Next appointment I will make on a Saturday or Sunday.
My wife is very hurt that I am not attracted to her sexually. I just am not sexually attracted to females. I can cope and be with a woman with ED medicine and frame of reference. There are so many more things that I value so much in our relationship. I do love the closeness and tenderness during sex and orgasm is wonderful. I just am not running after her wanting sexual pleasure.
I hoped when in the future I told her I wanted procedure she would support me and be there for me. When she read every Susan's post I ever made on Susan's on New Years day it was a shock to her and it destroyed her image of me in excruciating detail. I did not stand up and tell her how I felt and am. It has been 2 decades and I have no excuse. I am a coward, as she says. So going forward I will be honest with her and proceed as fast as possible to give her an answer.
My wife does not understand what it is like being trans. I have an opportunity to get much of the procedures paid for by work and insurance with the exception of tummy work and FFS. I just want to be me. I have a chance to be me finally and If I let it slip past I do not think I can take it. I do not know if I can take being a trans-woman. Even with FFS I will not pass. Being trans consumes my thoughts and dreams and how I cope with life.
My wife says I have a choice between her and my daughter and procedures. I agree I have a choice. I am drowning and I have a choice to take a life rope or sink. I understand she cannot stand being associated with a trans woman but that is what I am hiding or not with procedures or not. This is extremely stressful for her and me and I see her point and I know her needs, she expressed them. I do not think it is black mail but her drowning and choosing to take a life rope.
I have a lot of similarities to you, except that I haven't gone that far along with HRT as you have before coming out to her.
About your wife and the choice - I think she's made up her mind, but wants to blame you for the divorce.
My wife is also cis hetero and the more I look femme she doesn't even want to kiss me anymore sometimes. However she doesn't want me to sleep in a separate bed (?) maybe she feels guilty? I feel we are well on the road to splitsville but the question is when.
The other stuff - she only thinks you're transitioned once you get GRS and FFS, huh? Yeah that's so typical.
Why is she even dragging your daughter into this?
Hi Kate,
Christmas eve and New Years day were extremely difficult for the family.
My daughter said I would be dead to her if I have procedures or express.
I think my wife could live with me if I did not have procedures or express. I just do not know if I can live with that. I want to be me.
I trust my wife and she said she can not be with me if I have procedures. She said I will look trans and that she can not take that. She also said she is not lesbian and can not be with a woman. I do not want to separate or divorce. I just do not know if I can live in hiding.
My wife knew the day I went on HRT. I was having a difficult time sitting down and telling her but then CVS Pharmacy called and that helped me to tell her. I really am a coward about discussing trans issues with her.
First electrolysis session. It was mixed galvanic and thermolysis. It did hurt but it was bearable. She said my hair comes out easy and was doing 12 second cycles.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on January 05, 2015, 09:34:32 AM
Hi Kate,
Christmas eve and New Years day were extremely difficult for the family.
My daughter said I would be dead to her if I have procedures or express.
I think my wife could live with me if I did not have procedures or express. I just do not know if I can live with that. I want to be me.
I trust my wife and she said she can not be with me if I have procedures. She said I will look trans and that she can not take that. She also said she is not lesbian and can not be with a woman. I do not want to separate or divorce. I just do not know if I can live in hiding.
My wife knew the day I went on HRT. I was having a difficult time sitting down and telling her but then CVS Pharmacy called and that helped me to tell her. I really am a coward about discussing trans issues with her.
I'm sorry your daughter feels that way Cynthia.
I have also heard some of the same things your wife has said from mine.
I hope and I pray that it works out for you.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on January 05, 2015, 05:15:02 PM
First electrolysis session. It was mixed galvanic and thermolysis. It did hurt but it was bearable. She said my hair comes out easy and was doing 12 second cycles.
How is the pain? I do thermolysis and it feels like a pinch.
For the wife of Cynthia Michelle,
Hi. I am not only transgender, I am married to a transgender person. We met and married pre-transition and there have been allot of changes in our relationship since we transitioned.
Now you would think as a transsexual I would be 100% on board when my spouse told me shortly after I started they were going to also transition.
But that is not the truth.
Since my spouse transitioned I have seen them become the best possible version of themselves that they could be. Sevan went from barely functional and suicidal to a highly function person that I am so very proud of.
I have seen Sevan go from afraid to live to a person who is so full of life and wisdom.
When we married I remember the vows "in sickness and health". I plan to stick to those vows. Sevan no longer being a woman was a bit of an adjustment, but who am I to say to the person I love most 'no, you can not be happy and well adjusted'?
Kate, the pain is totally manageable and after a bit the area gets numb. So it is manageable.
I think the response for a lot of people who are married is similar. How they process the information and see life make a lot of difference in rejecting, tolerating, accepting or welcoming.
Cynthialee, thank you very much for sharing your personal experiance.
My wife reads all my posts now (and all the replies) and we discuss them. She has been through a lot and she is still with me. I lied to her about being Bi and having sex with guys. I disclosed, through posts, how I compensate for my dysphoria. She knows about my desires and she is still there for me. She mentioned a HIV test and I reassured her I have been faithful. If she still wants one done I will stop by the HIV test center in the gayborhood Thursday. I assured her I will not stray ( I do not think I will be fit to be with someone if she left).
The past 10 days has been very difficult on her and I worry about her normally but now more so. I don't want to tell her something now to do something else later. I do not want my coping mechanisms to get overwhelmed and do something stupid. I want to be honest and I want to find out more about procedures. I feel rushed to give an answer and all I just have are questions right now. I wish I was not trans or Bi and I wish I had the backbone to be myself. While I am at it, I wish I never screwed her life up. I am trans and bi and I am gaining in agency perhaps too little too late.
I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday.
Therapist
I went over again what happened NY day. I was able to process what happened but I still feel bad about hiding who I am to my wife but I feel relieved it is out. I was so ashamed of who I am but she was not upset I was with guys. She was upset I lied about being with guys.
I sent in the intake forms for Dr. McGinn and we discussed the process and what to expect. I told her if I have procedures my wife will leave me. If I delay with an answer as to will I have procedures my wife will leave me. If I do nothing I probably would not be able to take it. She asked me what I want to do and I said I want to transition but not if my face looks male. II need to see the surgeon and find out how I would look.
Trainer
She kicked my butt.
She asked how my NY went. I told her and we discussed it as I worked out. She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I sent in an intake form to Dr. McGinn and why. Also, that I needed to know what I could look like. If I look like a guy or if I could look feminine but don't proceed I do not think I could process it. I told her about having a boyfriend and going to gay bars when I was young. She knows I am an alcoholic and drug user, recovering. I told her about physical and sexual abuse when I was young. I explained why going to the gym is so important to me. She was understanding and being a trainer at an LGBT gym she knows a lot of people who were exposed to what I was exposed to. She said I need to be myself. Going to the gym is helping me feel good (endorphins) and feel good about myself and not hiding who I am and getting out and having new experiences that are healthy.
Group
We had a good group with lots a sharing.
I have a scheduled consult with Dr. McGinn February 23, 2015. My wife will be with me.
My wife wants to know what I will do so she can decide to leave or stay. She does not trust me to not spin the information.
This is a lot to have on my mind. I just want to get numb. I know I need to face my fear but this is a lot.
For the consult I need to send them a letter covering their required points from my therapist and a check for $150. The doctor is located 30 minutes from where I live.
I went to the therapist Monday (she is off Thursday)
We discussed the scheduled appointment with Dr. McGlinn and the points that need to be covered in the letter.
I am really having difficulty processing everything and it is a difficult time emotionally. There is a lot of pressure and I do not want to do something stupid to push out the continuous noise. She asked me what I wanted to do again and I have had no change. It has always been the same. I discussed some specific questions I have with procedures that I will ask. I need to make a list. The appointment is 2/23 and I am stressing about it now. I need to schedule procedures and make down payments at the consult, I think.
We discussed how the appointment will proceed and what to expect. I need to get the words out and I feel so ashamed of myself for being trans. I know the doc is trans but I feel that this is my fault. I know better but this is how I feel.
Today
I get hit with a heavy dose of dysphoria when I go to the cafeteria to pick up lunch ( I eat in my office area). I try to get there 10 minutes to noon but today a meeting was late and I got there at 12:15 and it was packed. I work in a hospital and it is 90% female. So the cafeteria became packed with a lot of females and that is tough. There are a lot of tall woman at work and several taller than me. There were two females in the caf today taller than me. So the whole time I am there I am thinking can I do this? Can I alter my exterior and do it well? Funny thing is no one noticed me. It is like I am invisible. I guess most people there do not get noticed. If I change my exterior people will look and notice. That along concerns me. I really like being invisible.
I had a very emotional time going home today. I got so upset I started to gag but I held everything in. This is a lot to handle and I am not doing well under the weight. I thought I could take it and more but this is different, it is at my core. I love who I am inside and really hate my outside and I feel guilty and ashamed for wanting to correct myself and being this way.
I am on the last day of my IM cycle and I hope after tomorrow my outlook improve.
I went to the gym and group tonight.
My trainer kicked my butt tonight. However, I feel so good right now from the exercise. It is definitely a great thing for mood and the feeling of well being. We discussed my upcoming appointment with Dr. McGlinn and that my wife will be going with me and why. She is very supportive and gets the "self growing from a long time of repression" issue. How do you put a growing self into a box?
Group was small but very good. A few more girls started hormones. We went over our PTHC (Philly Trans health conference)submission. We want to present at the conference :) This is very empowering and feels great for a lot of reason.
Being honest with someone you love is so hard. They want you to be honest and it is so much easier to hide and lie.
When asked how I feel about my sexual attractiveness to my wife I said I love being with you, the closeness, the tenderness and having sex is wonderful. Then there is a statement, you do not desire me right. I try to express being with her is wonderful. I do not desire females for sex but when I am with my wife I love the closeness and tenderness and having sex. I love her so much but this is too much.
I am really tired of hurting her, tired of being trans and tired of being honest. There is no way to control or spin this or make it better. I love being with her but I do not think she feels the same about me anymore.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on January 19, 2015, 08:14:14 PM
Being honest with someone you love is so hard.
I'm taking a chemistry class right now. We're learning about activation energy of chemical reactions. Your above comment reminded me of that. It can sometimes take a lot of energy to start a chemical reaction...but once started, the reaction happens spontaneously and effortlessly. I find that honesty is often the same way.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on January 19, 2015, 08:14:14 PM...it is so much easier to hide and lie.
Well you could have fooled me! It might be easier for a while, but as you've seen, there comes a tipping point where it takes more energy to keep up the facade than to express your reality as she is.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on January 19, 2015, 08:14:14 PMThere is no way to control or spin this or make it better.
No there isn't.
Hi TurkeyOnRye,
I had general, organic and biological chemistry in college in 1981 and 1982 and got straight A's. It never occurred to me that life's lessons followed similar rules. Perhaps Newton's 1st Law is applicable as well. Perhaps dissimilar genders (trans and cis) repel each other and love attracts universally. When additional external forces are applied the objects either attract or repel. IDK.
If I were to talk to my Operations Manager (Buddhist and out on leave for 6 weeks) he would say life has pain. Look at your pain, embrace your pain and move through your pain. Perhaps my wife and I are in a process of looking at, embracing and moving past our pain. I do know but living in pain hurts from the inside out with no escape.
I did know that not facing my fear, not being honest and not being myself and at peace with myself would resulted in a web of lies and deceit hurting those I love most. Yet the attraction of going back to my old ways is tempting. I know I need to grow my "self" and default to honesty and being myself.
What caused last nights hurt was my wife reading my response to a member and in that response I said I want to change my name and the name on my work ID. Also, that if I went from male clothes to female clothes at work it would not be to much different. Most woman wear slacks and a blouse unless they are Senior Management and then it is a business suit (female).
Tonight was really wonderful. My wife and I had dinner out , just the two of us. I enjoyed that so much and there was not stresses. An hour earlier I was crying on the way home fearing a continuation of last night. In the end, I am so confused and whirling around in a circle from sad, to happy based on internal wants and external demands.
I went to my Therapist, gym and group Thursday and this is what took place.
Therapist
My therapist is working on the letter (requirement) for a consultation with Dr. McGinn and will have it next week. I discussed two procedure approaches. One being where I schedule FFS and GCS and battle the insurance company for FFS. This method has unknowns such as if full FFS is done how will I look and my wife only wants sex with a penis. So these two items weigh greatly. Another approach is to have a tracheal shave (mine is really small and hardly noticeable but my voice and adam's apple are something I think about very often) and include one FFS component. Then and Orchi and another FFS component. Then maybe if I am sure things are going well a BA (small) and FFS component. Depending on how my wife and I work through the sexual relations issues and if I need further correction either keep my penis or have GCS. If I have GCS then the remaining FFS would be completed. Somewhere in there I will need to have my hair repaired with the strand graph method which looks natural. I am still getting hair regrowth so I am hesitant to have hair graphs now.
I love my wife and I do not want to lose her so I am leaning toward gradual and measures procedures over some time and see if I have relief and get positive results. Also, I am really scared. I can not go back and going forward is very frightening. Staying in the middle is something I do not think will work.
I think I am getting past the self hate and why me and trying to deal with the cards I am dealt with. I think I am accepting who I am and really want to just be myself.
Gym
My trainer keeps upping the exercises. I had pain walking 3 days later last week. She also added in stretching for flexibility. She had me in positions and then pushed on my back and held the position. Talk about pain. When I was done I felt so good and a little bit dizzy.
Group
We submitted our Philly Trans Health Conference (PTHC) application after group. This is so cool. Looking back just a year ago I would never have done anything like this. I walked around the last conference feeling like an outcast. Just like when I am with cis people. This year the difference is I volunteered to be part of a workshop at the PTHC and be part of the work shop selection committee for trans-feminine. At work I am also a member of Pride and multicultural professionals and a specialized bio hazmat team of 15 volunteers (15 out of 20,000). Also, I joined a LGBT (non-judgmental) gym and have a trainer and I am doing a presentation at a national engineering conference. Finally I joined a group which is mostly trans-feminine. That is a lot in one year :)
Hey Cynthia,
Well, I was reading your last post.. I just told my therapist the other day that if anyone thinks being trans is a choice they should try transitioning..!!
The was a prelude to my saying how complicated it is in so many ways and how our stress factors change over time..
Like starting transition was so exciting...and now I am full time. and the stress has changed from going out and being seen as male upset me to now going out and not able to pass as a male..at all..
I can no longer use the men's room.. fine with me but then the whole voice thing comes into play and I am so dang busy with work I hardly have time to do any work on my voice.
Basically I need to schedule my days and honestly don't have time do do anything but work, workout and transition.
Also I am writing a book... and can't find time to do it...
I have had dreams of my guy self since FFS and have actually awoke crying.. I miss me too just like everyone else does..we mourn our selves.. I was a really good looking dude that never thought he looked good.. now after FFS look at pics of when I was in shape and think damn that dude is a stud.. seriously. I now embrace who I was and thank him for getting me here and I also embrace the things I used to like as a male... I am still me the only change really is the outside.. I was already a chick just trapped in the wrong package.
FFS is a big step.. all my male features are gone on my face... Its like a miracle and at the same time so scary.
The other day when I awoke crying it took me about 30 seconds to come to reality and when I looked in the mirror and was happy to see the face looking back It did not take long to have a wonderful happy day..
All it took was taking myself back to my daily life before transition and realize how I felt..
So I know this is a ramble but just caught me in a talking mood.....
I am posting in the MTF transgender soon about an upcoming event and who I am going with.. Life has so many ironic turns in it but is so wonderful...
So sounds like you are doing good girl.. I know its hard and sometimes overwhelming .. but keep on trucking.....
I can't believe I went from Hormones to full time in thirteen months... but one thing fore sure.. my life is not boring :)
Luv Ya
Keri
Hi Keri, thank you. The points you bring up about self mourning is scary, hugs. 13 months and including full FFS and all the other things that happened with your life during the 13 months is a lot to handle, you are definitely a strong person.
Friday
I went to a different electrolysis technician. My regular tech was off. This tech had the amps ramped up and the pain was much more than from the other tech. During the procedure I was thinking I am never going to her again. Then after when I was home I saw how much more area she covered and was very happy. I was hesitant to use a place that is in-network but now I think I will give it a try.
Saturday
My daughter saw my chosen name in the upper right hand corner of my PC. It was a Google account. The rest of the day went down hill fast. Choose us over FFS and a BA was the theme. I was called faggot and >-bleeped-< a lot. I am barred from my daughters softball games and graduation. She threatened physical violence but did not do anything.
The point Keri brought up about a quick change can be a lot to handle. I was thinking a lot about this exact thing. She was spot on. For me I am leaning heavily on going slow.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on January 25, 2015, 07:47:23 AM
Saturday
My daughter saw my chosen name in the upper right hand corner of my PC. It was a Google account. The rest of the day went down hill fast. Choose us over FFS and a BA was the theme. I was called faggot and >-bleeped-< a lot. I am barred from my daughters softball games and graduation. She threatened physical violence but did not do anything.
I am very sorry to hear that. It would be nice for our loved ones and peers to simply acquire complete and total understanding of our inner-life, but sadly these things take time. I understand that the dynamic between you and your wife has become rather complicated, and that would be par for the course for any couple experiencing what you two are going through...but on the other hand, there's nothing really standing in the way of you and your daughter continuing to have a positive father-daughter relationship (assuming you two had a positive relationship prior to all this) if she can accept you for who you are.
Hey Cynthia
Well sorry to hear about that I hope your daughter can find a way to see you as who you really are on the inside
Been out shopping with my wife for clothes that look good with my body type
I am short but super thick.
My story is I was a swimmer and I am sticking to it.
This was a big step for me we got bellow ladies everywhere so that FFS money I spent did the job for sure worked
:)Keri
Hi Kerri, thank you for the support.
I came out to a co-worker this week. He shared some things that happened to him years ago. He is a drummer in a band and clean for 27 years. We support each other when things are difficult and I want to get numb or when he has difficulty dealing with past events. He is very cool and said I know. I asked how did you know and he said he played at a lot of clubs and has talked to a lot of trans and he just knew. He is very accepting and supportive.
I was at a Pride meeting and we were reviewing issues affecting LGBT (patients, families and staff). The Director on the Human Sexuality department finished speaking and had asked if there was anything that we could do to enhance patient, family and staff experiences. I said insurance codes for procedures and in-network Doctors for procedures. She understood and said she will work on it.
Hi Cynthia.
Tho I'm not looking into FFS at the moment(maybe some chin shaping and rhino down the line after GCS) my GCS is constantly on my mind. I'm cleared for it but just finding a surgeon who'll accept my insurance has been a nightmare to say the least. Sadly, my GF of 4 & 1/2 years and i broke up last Summer over my need for my GCS which, my being intersexed(female hermaphrodite) will be just as much corrective surgery as it is Vaginoplasty, is overwhelming to say the least. I really loved her and, even after all this time still do, so I sincerely wish you my veery besT
In my case tho it's either have GCS or to me life just isn't worth living anymore. I tried to explain that to my now ex girlfriend but she insisted she accepted me as i am, and I didn't need to change for her or anybody. I explained to her I wasn't really having GCS for her, that I'm having it for me. I've lived with my birth defect for 50 years now and that in itself is too long......... There's more but I don't want to make this all about me and my troubles, lol.
So anyhoo, So again, I wish you and your wife my very best in working things out. It sounds like she's very special. :)
Ally :D
Hi Allyda, I am sorry your GF did not understand and support you. I wish you well and a speedy recovery from GCS, hugs.
My wife is my friend and sole mate. I can not imagine living without her. I can not imagine living as a guy. I know I have been around the last two years partly because I do not want to leave them and partly because becoming myself pushes me from pain and despair to hope and feeling better about myself.
I went to the Therapist, gym and group tonight.
Therapist
The letter for Dr. McGinn will be done next week. I expressed what I absolutely will do and then see if I can live with that. She cautioned that feeling good about yourself is a very compelling feeling for more change. I just want a foothold or some traction.
I discussed coming out to a co-worker and the pride group. The co-worker was super supportive and delt with homophobia and drug addiction recovery most of his life. Pride was very supportive and it was a great feeling getting support from them. I think it was no surprise for some.
Gym
My trainer kicked my butt tonight. I discussed the concepts of the zero belly fat book I am reading. She mentioned all the concepts in the book to me over the past 4 months. I told her she needs to write a book.
Group
The group was small tonight. We discussed old and new identities and how that feels. Cis people do not know how it feels. Also we talked about how long term depression is linked to the old identity and hope and positives are linked to the new identity and sometimes feeling depressed brings back how the old identity feels.
I had 2 hours of electrolysis today. I fell asleep about 1 hour in and that was when she was doing my upper lip. I had very little sleep this week and was exhausted. Friday was tough and I had a low grade headache all week but Friday was bad. I cried hard while driving home Friday and my head was pounding even with Motrin. I see Dr. McGinn on February 24th with my wife and I am getting scared. I am having bad dreams and I wake up and can not get back to sleep. I have butterflies in my tummy and I am often on the verge of crying.
I had a really disturbing dream Wednesday night. I was on a beach flicking pebbles when 2 scruffy guys and an olive skinned girl were walking toward me. The taller guy took a huge rock and pounded it in the sand just in front of me. I got up and went to my house on the beach (I wish). I went to the second floor bedroom an shut the door. The olive skinned girl was there naked and beautiful. She was merging with me when I heard the voices of the two guys from the beach coming up the steps. They were loud and very angry. I desperately tried to hide and could not. As they were coming through the door I woke up. When I was laying in bed I had some dark thoughts and just wanted the night to end.
I think I had food poisoning and was out of commission Sunday-Wednesday. I went to work and then the therapist today but skipped the gym and group.
Therapist
I discussed my apprehension with my appointment with Dr. Christine McGinn. I want to have her look at my face and see what she recommends for FFS. I would like to see what the changes would look like to help determine its effect. Also, what she recommends and can it be done separately over time. Then there are procedures insurance will pay. I want to see if a hairline reduction is recommended and how that will help with my hair restoration. Insurance will pay for hair restoration. Then orch (how long till GCS tissue is no longer available) and trachea shave ( where is the entry point). BA, GCS, FFS, RLE full time and name change is a decision that will be a marriage breaker.
So I need to come to a decision point that can I do transition light or do I need full transition. I know what I want and I know the cost. I need to make sure I can live with the decision and be happy. I do not want to be alone and bitter.
I know I will not pass and I feel my goal is to feel somewhat more whole and be happier. The issue is can I live with that? Will it end?
This is what is on my mind a lot. Hopefully after the consultation I will be able to plan a coarse of action. If things change later then I can alter the plan.
One of the things my therapist said was the letter she was writing for me will be done and presented to me on the 19th. My appointment is the 23rd. She said the requirements are quite extensive. I do not think it should take more than two hours (stretching it) and it has been 6 weeks since I asked her to write the letter and each week I hear next week. I will need to call the Papillion Center tomorrow and ask if I can e-mail them the letter and send them a check for the consultation. Perhaps they will just have me bring it to the apointment. I will call tomorrow and find out.
If you go for a consultation and need a letter or letters it can be nerve racking. Relying on other people with something so important is very nerve racking.
I need to start writing down my questions and thought process for procedures and sequencing, for the appointment.
I went to the therapist, gym and group tonight and this is what happened:
Therapist
I discussed the upcoming appointment with Dr. McGinn on 2/23 and the phone call tomorrow from the Papillion center. I think Heather will be reviewing what the consult will be like and what I want to review in the consult and questions I have ahead of time.
I am having a difficult time grasping the reality of the situation. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I can not believe this is happening. I am questioning everything about myself and thinking if I do this then it will mean that and If I do not do this or that can I live with it.
HR contacted me and we will be meeting. I think it is just a check in to make sure I am ok with everyone and to check on my progress. The person I will be meeting with lives in the gayborhood and he husband provides investment counseling to people in the neighborhood and they have very diverse friends. She is really cool with trans and is welcoming.
I discussed that I am so embarrassed and I feel so awkward about having sex with my wife. I love her and want to make love with her and when I think about broaching the subject I am afraid she will reject me. She knows I lied about having male sex partners and she is repulsed by my breasts (small as they are). I understand her need to be with a guy and I just want her to not be repulsed by me.
Gym
My trainer kicked my butt ad I feel great.
I discussed all that is going on with the Dr. consultation. She advised I breath and take on one thing at a time. She said I am a strong person and that I can get through this.
Group
Two new people joined the group (one MTF and on FTM). The MTF has a very masculine job and is afraid of what will happen in time (just got her scripts). Also where she lives is not a LGBT friendly part of the city. We all gave her support and advise. The FTM had a fantastic outlook and gave some awesome advise. He has been on T for a while and lived through some of that the new girl is afraid of.
So today I was supposed to have a phone call from the Papillion Center at 1:30. At 1:45 I called them and they had no record in my chart for the phone call. They said both PA-C's were with child and things are a bit hectic. I was told to just come in on the 23rd for the consult. It was odd because I had a phone consult a few weeks ago and receive call Wednesday saying it was a reminder of Friday's call. I guess it was a mistake; it is just odd.
I went to the therapist, gym and trainer Thursday,
Therapist
We went over the letter I have to have to see Dr. McGinn Monday. I did not understand some of the terminology and she explained it to me. Odd reading a letter about myself from the perspective of a therapist. I really have made progress. I am very nervous and anxious. All my life I have wanted to get corrected. I am 42 hours from the consultation now. I discussed my meeting with my boss and HR. The HR person is an ally and will be informing the president of the hospital. I think she will be very supportive. My boss is supportive.
Gym
I reviewed what is going on and she gave me advise. Then she proceeded to kick my butt. She finished off by going over my weight and eating. I said I would make a work week of lunches this week on Sunday. I was doing a high step routine with heavy dumbbells, 25 per leg. Then I did 25 reps of sitting on a very low stool and jumping up. At the end I sat on the stool and breathing very heavy and exhausted. A trainer (guy who was talking to my trainer, they are friends) was exercising next to me. He finished and said keep up the work, you are looking good. When he said that I looked down at the floor and mumbled thanks. My trainer asked why I did that and why didn't I look at him and thank him. I said I do not know as I looked away. She said I need to look in the mirror each morning and say 3 positive affirmations. I said you know I do not look in mirrors except briefly to do my hair and make sure I am presentable. She said well it is time to start. She just does not understand. It is the same reason I looked down when the guy said I am looking good. I don't look good.
Group
There was a girl that expressed interest in webcamming. A few of the girls had experience in webcamming (either themselves or a friend) and one in a film. Universally we said you got to do what you got to do to survive and we do not judge. Universally, we all advised looking for any job first. One girl had an emotional reaction and the film still haunts her. There was a discussion about sex work and how when someone comes out as MTF that that stigma is attached.
At the gym my trainer said how we are lucky to be healthy and able to exercise (I was really exhausted). I agreed and added how lucky I am to have support at work, still married and have trans benefits. In group I kept thinking I am so lucky. Group has done a lot for me. One thing is to realize I am so lucky. I rarely feel bad any more for not starting HRT very early. I know what would have likely happened and it would have been a rally difficult life back then.
My wife had recently asked me if I feel like I am missing out on a life with someone like my Physicians Assistant, if we were a couple, fully corrected. I thought for a few minutes. I said no and she said she did not understand. She said you desire guys and you say you do not feel you are missing out on something. I told her I might be happier in one thing but not something else. I said I love her and our daughter and I love our life together. I want to be corrected not leave her.
Electrolysis tomorrow with the technician that turns up the amps and goes fast. It will hurt and I have her next week too.
Monday I had a consult with Dr. McGinn, Thursday I saw the therapist, went to the gym and group.
Dr. McGinn
My wife accompanied me in the consult. The doctor went over recommended FFS and orchi and GCS. I am not a candidate for the single procedure method of GCS. I need to make decisions and it is difficult. My wife suggested marriage counseling. I will look into that. I have been putting off thinking about the consult.
Therapist
I went over the consult and how difficult it is to go forward and I can not go back. I am twisting a bit. I shard with my therapist the root of my issue with the sexual abuse I had as a child. I told my first therapist after many months and I told her after a year. The Dr. consultation brought up a lot of past issues, perhaps it was the stress.
Gym
I went over the consult with my trainer. The doctor said I needed to lose some belly fat. My trainer absolutely destroyed me.
Group
There were a lot of new faces. I guess spring will bring a lot of new faces.
Hey Cynthia,
You still inspire me.. your thoughtful way of working through the issues and making decisions.
I think its smart and sometimes wish I had not moved so fast even though I would have most likely ended up where I am now.. just a chick.
One thing that has happened for me is once you are basically cured of your GID and I am now totally you end up back to a normal type life and wonder what was so hard in the first place.. but its easy to figure that out.all I have to do is go back in time and live a few days as me as male and wow.. I realize how trapped I was.
For me.. I was at a dead end with life.. did not feel motivated to work anymore and was just coasting.. and after a while my business would have failed.
Now, I am on fire to do something..
Just food for thought.. I thought it might give you something to think about knowing more about some of my feelings.
Love you and wish you all the best... every moment of your life,
Dodie
Hi Dodie,
You are a beautiful "chick". Congratulations on arriving to your destination. I am so happy for you.
Thank you for the food for thought. My GD was up there today. I have heard several people say full transition cured their GD.
It snowed Thursday, I did a phone therapy consultation. Gym (trainer) was cancelled and I am sure group was cancelled.
Therapist
I discussed that my wife recommended for us to see a marriage counselor. This was after we say Dr. Mcginn for a consultation. I had said why, what would it change. My therapist thought it was a great idea to see the marriage counselor and I should proceed ASAP. My therapist gave me a name of a therapist around where my wife works, Robin Lynk and my homework is to contact her this week.
I reviewed what the hair transplant doctor said which was for A-cell to be used with the forehead lift to eliminate any scarring. This is a major issue I had with the lift, having a 10 inch scar on my forehead for 6 months before hair graphs.
I discussed that I really need to proceed with my transition. I said I am twisting because I want procedures but my wife is against it, except trachea shave and orchi (if I can still have an erection). She asked what I needed right now the most. I said trachea, upper lip and trachea. I said I needed to do the trachea later due to bundling it with insurance coverage when another uncovered procedure is done. She said I should concentrate on researching the orchi and upper lip and discuss it with my wife and hopefully have a neutral marriage counselor in a safe neutral place to discuss it. This is my homework this week.
Hey Cynthia,
Just saying hello today. I am having to work all weekend because my name change took all day and I was so tired at 3pm I crashed.. I had been up very early to work before I went to court.
Anyway, I really hope you work it out with your wife.. You seem to be flexible..
I am too but my wife wants a dude period. I am not only not a dude anymore I barely remember what it was like. I do remember feeling confident everywhere I went and now I am less confident and vulnerable to men.
I would say that has been the downside to my transition.
For me it really came down to the fact that I am just a chick seriously.. always have been. That old body guard looking dude was just a mirage..
So I am happy...really happy but at the same time its becoming the new normal..which is good I suppose.
Also the longer I am full time the more female.. or on the other side I feel and others see it too. Even close friends do not see me as male now and they are like.. we get it..
So, good luck with marriage counseling.. I would stay with my wife as just friends if I could but now I like guys too.. so eventually I may meet someone... One thing I know for sure we will always love each other.. and things will work out.. they have to.. and life is too wonderful not to make it happen..
Love you chick
Dodie
Dodie, thank you. Thanks for the encouragement.
I went to my Primary Care today for my 6 month Trans checkup. I have been on intramuscular injections 6 months. I had my blood test and Dusty had a very experienced person draw the blood. I was flat on my back and I had no issue at all. I said I was told to lose some weight by Dr. McGinn (stomach area). He said you are doing fine and gained no weight while on HRT almost 2 years.
I showed him my therapist letter I presented to Dr McGinn. He said it was an excellent letter. I said I needed another letter from a therapist and a doctor. He said he can help me whenever I wanted, just let him know. I went over the visit with Dr McGinn and how I wanted to proceed. I explained I wanted my 1st procedures to be an Orchi, tracheal shave and lip reduction. He said, it is not my place but I can not see your trachea and you are tall. People would be able to see the scar under your chin and there would be no change in the ability to see your trachea. Food for thought. He made a lot of sense. I went over how a type 1 brow ridge may not be optimum and that Dr Spiegel's type 3 may be best. Dusty said Dr S is very good at this and he agreed.
He asked how things were going at home. I went over what happened at Christmas and New Years with my wife and how I lied about my past sexual history, sexual desire and feelings. My wife gave me an ultimatum to tell her either her or transition. I said I needed to see a surgeon. After the consultation my wife said no surgery then after a few days said orchi and trachea shave are ok provided I can get an erection. Also, she asked if she had to use my legal name if I changed it. I said call me anything you want.
I went over how everything came up from the consultation and it was very emotional for 3 days after. They had asked about past sexual and physical abuse and I answered affirmative. I told him it took me 10 months to tell my first therapist and 1 year to tell my second therapist (they are the only two) the essence of the issue of the physical and sexual abuse and how and why it change me forever.
I asked if I could go to a 7 day E cycle and he said my 10 day cycle is the highest they recommend, for a person my age. He reassured me I have plenty of E in my system. He also said my prolactin level needed to be monitored closely ( it was a little high last visit).
Cynthia
I would agree on Adam's apple
I used Dr Z but did not have much brow
U saw my before and after so maybe u can compare.
I do grs Feb next year
For me now way I could ever have sex now even with Viagra
Also long story but I now like dudes but will not be with anyone until after grs
I know sometimes my transition must have seemed easy but it was not
I know what u are going through and always here for you
Dodie
Hi Dodie, I know you transition was anything but easy, hugs. You are very strong.
I received a call from my PCP today. I thought something was odd when on the 11th it was posted my results would be in my My Health section and it was not. Today I got a call from a MD and not my PA-C. She said I needed to have my blood retested and that I needed to call and schedule it. She asked if I was fainting, I said no. Then was I getting dizzy spells, I said no. Next am I fatigued, I said no. Finally she asked if I am bleeding or have blood in my stool, I said no. I asked why and she said my B12 was very low and I am anemic. I said I do not eat much meat. I asked how my prolactin was and she said it was 36 and 22 last time and it is ok. My T was <20, low as the test measures.
I eat a lot of green leafy salads, fruits and veggies. I have been slipping on my fish and I really do not eat much red meat or chicken.
Suggestions would be appreciated.
Hmmmm
Not sure
I so wish I could help
I wonder if it's spiro
It can be hard on u
At one point I took dose down to half for more energy
U could talk to doc and see if u can do that
Ur t is plenty low
Dodie
Pm me If u want to talk in private
Hi Dodie, I have another blood test scheduled for tomorrow, fingers crossed.
I went to the gym and group tonight. My therapist is sick.
I really wanted to see my therapist today and another week seems too long. I have a meeting with my Senior Vice President and a Senior HR person April 9th and I need to review it with her.
Gym
My trainer really drilled my nutrition (due to the blood test results). I need to alter my eating a bit. I really do not like most meat so fish needs to be added (wild cold water fish).
Group
I have not shared an update in two weeks. I don't know how to express how I am feeling in a way that is not taken wrong. I don't know how to share how I am feeling with my therapist either.
Hey
U are a smart chick
Take a deep breath and try to relax.
It will be ok.
Sometimes I think best when I am working out and the endorphins kick in
I feel more clarity and stop and write feeling down
Try it but best when doing cardio for at least. 30 minutes
Dodie
Thank you Dodie. I really need to run/walk the dog at night but not tonight due to 6 or so inches of snow. Winters last gasp, I hope. I think doing the treadmill would be great too. I did 45 minutes last night.
I had my blood test and passed out. I woke up and was able to get out of Mazzoni before I started throwing up. If I threw up there they would keep me there for 2 hours.
I spoke to Dr. Spiegel's representative for costing purposes and needs for a consultation. The type 3 forehead is $10,000, Mendable is approximately $10,000 depending on the extent of work and trachea is $4,000.Consultation is about a two week lead and procedures are about a 6 week lead at present.
Hugs!!!
Jennifer
;D
You have come far and did it with wisdom.
Proud of you.
Thank you JLT1 and cynthialee (long time since you were on Susan's), hugs.
I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday:
Therapist
I tried to express how I am feeling. In short I am scared. Coming out at work, 20 or so people, so far has been great but coming out to everyone is scary. Once you come out you can not go back in. I know there will be some who are haters. I meet with my boss and HR April 9th and I am nervous. I think they will provide full support and ask me what I need. They will want closure and control. I want to just be me and everyone to just carry on like nothing happened.
I discussed that I went to a Grand Rounds (medical training with CEU's for the medical staff) and Linda Hawkins did a presentation on LGBT with an emphases of trans. This was hard to hear but very well done. The Pride group was there. Times are changing.
Gym
My trainer really hit me hard and I was 100% spent at the end of the workout.
Group
I have not been sharing at group. I feel so inadequate. I am scared to come out at work and the event horizon is approaching and some of these guys and girls have withstood such hardship. I feel so inadequate and they are so strong.
There was a really emotional issue at group and I felt so bad for the person. I hope he is ok.
I logged in just to provide a message of support. Be yourself and stay positive. Things are moving in a positive direction for trans-people.
Hey Cynthia,
I know its hard.. but hang in there.. sorry I have been absent.. been so busy.
Dodie
Hi Cookies and Dodie, thank you for your support.
Cookies,
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I went to the therapist, gym and group tonight.
Therapist
I went over a comment my wife said to me that my Father and brother never loved me. It bothered me a lot all week. I was treated different than my brother and sister. I was different growing up and I think I was tolerated. My wife was right. Growing up I blocked it out but being taken off guard really was something I never expected. My father died 26 years ago and I saw my brother for 1 hour 2 weeks ago, 2 hours 1.5 years ago and I most likely will never see him again. I said a lot of other things and my therapist was supportive. Perhaps it is over, being tolerated by them, but they still occupy my mind. My wife did not think about the triggers and the associated baggage.
I went over my thoughts for the meeting with my boss and HR. I shared with her my Gantt chart but I have been thinking for 3 weeks in great detail. I think I will change my name, come out and express in work. I will get my hair fixed, trachea shaved and orchi and be me. This is not optimum but the rout I will be taking for now. This will be difficult. I was hoping to do FFS and VFS but it is a compromise.
Gym
My trainer worked me hard and we talked about my coming out at work. She went on about where to buy what and what I need to do. She is very cool.
Group
We were selected to present at the PTHC for a work shop, very cool. I will be working the convention and also be at a work table. So I will be busy and involved with my community :) .
There were 10 or so new members at group. It was a great session.
I went to my therapist, gym and PTHC youth training tonight. I also meet with my boss and HR to discuss my transition.
Boss and HR
I am out to 20 or so people at work. My boss said the information can get out tomorrow and we would lose the opportunity to pre train everyone. I said ok, I can come out tomorrow. My boss wants me stop telling people until he and manage the massage. He wants to have installed "all gender" bathroom signs on the single stall bathrooms at work and he wants to have signs installed in all other bathrooms saying "if more privacy is desired you have available all gender bathrooms" and have a diagram where the next closest bathroom is located. He thinks that will spark a dialogue and then training can be done in our department. Then I can come out, with an orchestrated plan. I am sure he wants to make. He said he wants time. I told him I am trans 5/15/2013 and going to start to transition at the end of the month.
He asked what my plan was. I gave him and HR my Gantt chart with time line. On it has coming out at work on 9/2/2015. He said ok, coming out at at work will be 9/1/2015. Really!
I also gave him and HR my costing chart which had doctors, procedures, my cost and Insurance and work cost. I had the costing for USA, USA composite with Mexico and USA and Thailand. He said you can not go out of country because where I work would be so embarrassed. Really!!
He and HR pledged 100% support and will help with the messaging when I come out to work. Then he went into a what if things went bad discussion. He said we need to do a lot more of this planning and have answers and plans. What, seriously!!!
Therapist
Discussed the above.
Discussed she will be at the PTHC conference with her family. Then she said if I see her and wanted to say hi and talk she is fine but if I just keep walking that is ok. I said I most definitely would say hi and I would want to be introduced to her family and chat. We discussed briefly her family unit and that was the first time she shared something personal about herself.
Gym
My trainer worked me hard and we discussed the meeting at work. At the end of the workout she shared that another friend she knew died. Both were trainers at the gym and had overcome a lot of issues to die young in their 40's. We chatted a bit. Life is short; life is precious. I feel bad for Midges losses.
PTHC training
We had a 2 hour training. Those who will be with the lockdown area (children under 18) will need to have background checks and prints. I just did that 6 weeks ago for work (we do it every 3 years). I do not know if I will volunteer for a shift in that area. I know it will be very good for me. I think I will do a shift in the secure area but I do not know.
Ok, so something light instead of all the heavy stuff.
I got changed after work today and I was walking in the family room. My wife said I am tired of seeing you walking around and flopping all over the place. Put something on to stop the flopping.
I went to the therapist, Gym and group yesterday.
Therapist
I went over my anger with how my boss has to control everything, even my coming out and messaging to staff. I got over it and am past the control speed bump.
I explained how nervous I am thinking about coming out at work. I explained how I want to dress and express at work.
It was 73 degrees and I had a nice navy blue top and jeans I wore from the gym to group. I explained my apprehension now that a jacket or coat can not be worn.
I explained I have some difficult and dark periods. Usually on the way home from work or in bed at night. I have almost constant head aches again. I think from stress or dysphoria or fear of the future.
Gym
My trainer is very empowering and I have been exercising every night. She gave me home work and she will expect me to do it. She really went into me last week for some marks on my arms and checked them this week; she is tough. She wants our exercises to move outside this summer by Jefferson Hospital in the court yard. She said I need to build my sense of self and not care what others think. She is very empowering and intuitive. She really knows how to build confidence. She is very different herself and she said I need to celebrate my uniqueness and just say who cares.
Group
I walked down 12th street. I had a really nice top and jeans. It has been all winter where I had the security of my coat and now it is spring and warm weather. After 10 seconds I was fine. I do not think anyone ever cared.
Group had some very real and painful moments. A break-up, a friend lost, a family split up, someone on their end of their rope, and homelessness. Being trans, how can anyone ever say it is a choice.
I went over the high points from my meeting with my boss and HR. One therapist had a very appropriate comment I can not repeat here. The other said I need to meet with their legal department and explain what is going on. I know our HR person went right to our legal department right after the meeting. I think I will just see how things pan out. I had my monthly meeting with my boss today and he went to the CFO to see how I can get my signature authority raised to a very high lever officially. I buy utilities up to 5 years out for the enterprise and far exceed my signature authority. I will be given a much higher authority. So perhaps my boss is just being himself.
Therapy
I had a phone therapy session Tuesday. I discussed how I am in two worlds and the stress is mounting. I continue to flounder in where to buy professional cloths for my height and in the style I like. I continued to dwell on putting road blocks in front of my coming out at work in September. I need to make a decision on upper face work and move on.
I keep looking at people at work and wondering what they will say and think.
Gym
I went to the gym Thursday and my trainer worked me pretty hard. She wants me to increase my running intervals while I walk the dog. She provided some support about cloths and checked my arms for any marks.
Group
Group was packed with no chairs left. I was invited to go to another support group. That group sounds really nice with subgroups and activities. I think I am going to go. We had a PTHC workshop meeting after group to begin making the workshop agenda and format. It was a fun :)
One of our regular group members is not doing well. I hope she can work out the issue. There has been multiple people trying to help her but she needs to work it out herself.
Hey Cynthia,
Hugs!!!
Don't even try to guess what people will think. If you do not know them well enough to know what they will think, you probably can't guess. Be who you are and treat everyone with respect. They will come around even if at first they don't accept.
I don't go to group. I tried once and gave up. I'm just a little to different. ;D
Remember, with all this worry to take some time off to clear the mind and recharge a little. Time to just forget. Do something you really like to do.
You are doing great!!!!
Jen
I've never been in group therapy so I can't say anything about that part. I didn't really think about what people at work would think, for me it was "I absolutely have to do this, and do it now".
Thank you Jen and Mary.
I had to go to Cincinatti Wed-Friday for work. I am in the airport now waiting for my flight home. My wife read Susan's and about coming out at work 9/1, wanting to change my name and top of my head FFS. She asked if she should contact a lawyer or mediator. I need to be myself and I want her and my daughter in my life. There is a lot of stress.
I went to the Gym Monday. my trainer worked me hard. Later that night I injected and the next day I had no muscle soreness.
I went to my therapist Tuesday. I explained I am under a lot of stress. I told her I would not do anything but is is on my mind. It would be much easier. I have been having dreams I have had all my life since i was young. We were at a warerfall at a park and a guy drowned. We were there as they got him out. He got caught up in the waterfall wirlpool. I have dreampt swimming at the waterfall and getting sucked up in the under current.
I told her I realy need upper face FFS then get my hair fixed. I stress over this a lot. I would love to get my mandable and upper lip fixed to but the cost is high. I talked about how I look at the people at work and wonder what they will say and how they will treat me.
I was in Ohio so I could not go group.
I rescheduled my electrolysis and cancelled my PTHC workshop so I could go with my wife to Reading to visit her father Saturday. She needs me and she wants to go Saturday and not Sunday.
I have a lot of vacation time and I need to go someplace to vegg. I would like to go someplace and just think.
Oh well the weekend approaches :)
I have to address leadership at work Tuesday, about 300 people. I am still making the presentation and will be practicing it tomorrow and Thursday on stage. The difference between this time and last time is I am going with a zen presentation approach and some of leadership including the president know I am trans.
Well the cat is out of the bag at work so that will be interesting going forward. I told the person who informed me that it was the purpose of telling 30 or so people. Although, I can not tell additional people at work till 9/1/15.
Any suggestions when I am asked if I am trans ( I am under orders not to say anything about being trans till 9/1 to any additional people)?
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on May 05, 2015, 07:23:05 PM
Any suggestions when I am asked if I am trans ( I am under orders not to say anything about being trans till 9/1 to any additional people)?
You could try something like "That is not polite."
Hi Cynthia, Hmm, how about; "not currently, why do you ask?" Or; "don't believe what people say, damn rumour mongers" or; "who's been saying that?" Looking angry...
Seriously thats tough, especially with a gag notice... Sorry if my comments sound flippant, but really don't know, I'll use one of them when I get to that point... Unless of course better ones turn up?..
L Katy :-*
Thank you Mary and Katy.
I went to the therapist, Gym, group and PTHC workshop planning meeting.
Therapist
A lot is happening. When I was away last week my wife read the post about me coming out at work, changing my name, expressing and having face FFS. She texted me should I contact a divorce lawyer or a divorce mediator? She also texted you know my line and if you go over it what will happen.
It took me many years to start breaking down the walls I built up now I see freedom and there are fences put in front of me.
We reviewed an incident at home when I lashed out. I was banned from being there when my daughter and her friends had their prom pictures taken because of my long hair. I then went and let out all the things that I have that are restrictions. I just had enough. My therapist reviewed how I could have handled each issue and dealt with it instead of letting a bucket of stuff pile up.
I expressed I really need forehead FFS then my hair corrected and that somehow I need to get it done. I had spoken with the hair restoration person recommended by Dr. McGinn and I was told if A-Cell is used in the incision I would have skin and not scar tissue in the forehead incision.
Trainer
She had me stretching so my heals touch the floor when I squat. That was a very painful 30 minutes. Then I did squats then leg lifts to exhaustion. She wants me to run every 2 out of three telephone poles. I ran early this morning :)
Group
Group was packed. I did not share at this meeting or last. I feel uncomfortable with the all the new people in group.
I was invited to go to another group meeting after this one, I declined again. I would like to go.
PTHC workshop meeting
We made a lot of progress and it was a great meeting. We have homework. I have to get suicide hotline info and make a power point with specific information on it.
Hugs. I know it's not easy when your ready to move forward and other forces around you seem content on holding you back a bit. I hope everything works out the way you would like it too.
Mariah
Hey Cynthia,
Whenever I'm feeling like I'm not making enough progress fast enough, I try to be proactive by researching trans issues or writing. Even if you never show anyone, writing can be a very effective kind of therapy. Try to stay positive, and think of Dory from Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming."
I doubt anyone will ask you directly if you are trans, but if someone asks you a question that makes you uncomfortable, say, "I'm not comfortable answering that." If they persist, direct them to whomever you spoke to at Human Resources.
I don't know if they have all the pertinent laws and statutes for PA at the Transgender Law Center, since the TLC is located in California, but they are a great resource. You might want to familiarize yourself with your states laws around the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. And the HR at your company may want you to have a definitive plan for your transition coming 9/1. Not that you should feel pressured or cajoled into going faster than your comfortable, but be sure to have all your ducks in a row as it were.
Depending on what you want, you may want to assure your wife that you're going to be the same person, just with different clothes. S.O.s of transpeople often assume that their transitioning partner is intending to leave them. The assumption is that you're going to want to date men, because we're all conditioned to think in heteronormative terms. She may not understand that gender and sexual orientation are separate things. And lastly, her orientation will remain the same, although not all people are strictly heterosexual, she may lose attraction for you. Mediation is a great way to work through these difficult talking points without hurting feelings or burning bridges.
Good luck, and take time to enjoy the journey. If you spend too long focusing on the end, you're going to miss all the good stuff along the way.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on May 05, 2015, 07:23:05 PM
Any suggestions when I am asked if I am trans ( I am under orders not to say anything about being trans till 9/1 to any additional people)?
Do people even do that?
I get asked at work about my hair and people tell me I look different but they never come outright and ask. My response is that I don't want to talk about my personal situation or my appearance thank you. If they press (they don't) it can go to HR. Period end of story.
Thank you Mariah, Obfuskatie and Ikate.
I was recommended to the Mazzoni's Law center at group by one of the social workers because of the four or so things my boss said in the meeting. HR was there and silent. The purpose would be to start a file. We have a Company anti discrimination policy which states trans specifically also as part of the pillars of leadership at my company trans is specifically mentioned, which is used for demonstrating leadership and welcoming. Also, we have a 100 score from HRC.
My wife's initial statement when I came out to her was I was going to leave her for a guy.
I will try to enjoy the things along the way, thanks, you are right.
it is interesting that the person went to a coworker friend of mine and not me ( the person is very liberal and supportive of LGBT). I know him well. She does not like or socialize with him. He had to know it would get back to me.
Last week I went to therapy, gym, group and PTHC workshop meeting.
Therapy
I have had suicidal ideation most of my life (11 years old). I went over some recent thoughts and actions. I went over how I wanted to drink recently to escape. I went over how I want to sell most of my hobby off. I just have no interest in it anymore. The hobby had to do with obtaining perceived safety from others.
I told my therapist I really want my forehead corrected then my hair and that my wife is against it and will divorce me if I have any FFS.
Gym
My trainer had me do stretching and I have a pic on my phone of the stretches I need to do routinely. My trainer said I need to toughen up. She said the girls that come to her do so for a reason and I need to toughen up. I had expressed I took a day off from running because my knees hurt. She said to use an ice pack.
Group
I did share this week what happened at work recently. I had time to process and I am fine with what happened. I guess up till that point I was in control and now I am not.
PTHC workshop meeting
The meeting went extremely well. The skillsets in the group are fantastic and I am confident it will go well. We are almost ready.
My wife and I had our 22 wedding anniversary last week. There was some stress and emotions.
the emotional blackmail going on at home seems somewhat abusive to me. When someone tells someone they supposedly love and care about "do this and i will divorce you, do that and i will divorce you" and uses that threat constantly to get their way no matter what, that's abusive. I get that she isn't happy with the situation, but at this point it seems she cares more about her comfort and the lifestyle she is accustomed to than your well being. Seems she would rather you be miserable(or end up committing suicide) than lose the comfort she is used to. That's >-bleeped-<ed up. If she can't accept who you are, then maybe the relationship should be ended now and be done with it, not keep using your love and caring as a weapon to get her way. I understand transition is very hard on partners, and lot of relationships don't survive transition, but at some point one has to either at least make an attempt to be accepting and supportive, or end the relationsip.
-Alyssa
Thank you Alyssa.
Some context of the current issues we are dealing with. We both want the relationship to work and my wife is grieving the loss of husband and cursing my female identity. Yet she is accommodating some things and she just recently helped me pick out two outfits for the PTHC. She has agreed for me to have my hair transplanted, a trachea shave (Dr. McGinn said I did not need it as well as my PA) and an orchi. I need my forehead corrected and forehead lowered and correct positioning of my eye brows and I want to see Dr. Spiegel for a second opinion. I mentioned this to her recently.
My wife and I are dealing with her father in long term care and going into hospice for cancer pain management. I promised her I would wear a suit for the funeral. She has a lot on her plate and she needs me.
I went to the Therapist, gym, group and a PTHC workshop meeting this week.
Therapist
I did a phone session with my therapist. I discussed my wife helping me pick out two outfits for the PTHC :) . She said I am on my own to find woman's size 15 flats. Long tall sally has some. I had in my mind a limit on how feminine I would ever present and flats and pink very feminine tops were on the I will not cross line. Well I am crossing the self imposed limit. It feels good, not to wear the cloths but for some reason it is a feeling of freedom.
I discussed I get invited to a lot of things such as going out for shots (I can not even think this or be around alcohol), going to another group, a pool party and one girls house and coffee with a bunch of girls after group. I keep saying no. I would not mind going to the other group though. I just can not get coffee afterwards and I probably could only stay for 1 hour of the second group (I get up 3:15 for work).
Gym
My trainer moved me up another step and introduced all new core exercises. I was stressed to the limit :) She had sent me Lauren Grace's interview and music to listen to. My trainer is very empowering.
I reviewed with my trainer that some guy was hitting on me in the locker room. He started talking to me as I was getting changed. I was nice to him until the voice in my head said oh poop he is hitting on me. Then I was cool to cold to him and just got changed and left to work out. She said always listen to the little voice in my head.
Group
Group was packed with no seats left. We had a fantastic group and we really helped each other. We discussed patriarchal issues, diversity issues, the trans rift in the Philly trans community and being treated differently by males at work and in the community when we disclose or express.
Workshop
We will have a fantastic workshop for the PTHC. We are about done with all the preparation :)
One thing that might help, instead of focusing on the list of things you want done with anyone close to you, give them time to adjust to each step. Instead of it being a divisive thing that you are doing alone for yourself, the surgeries could be opportunities to increase your closeness with your support system. Try not to overwhelm them with all of your plans at once.
Let your wife know you have a plan that doesn't include leaving her. Keep promises and commitments whenever possible, as that helps maintain assurances of your credibility. I know it's hard, but if you can find someway to express and show how much happier you are as a transwoman, that may help as well, for both your own acceptance of your transition and others around you. Lead by example when you can, open minded people will tend to follow your own example.
Women wear suits too [emoji6] you can always wear one tailored to fit you. You shouldn't have to dress in ill fitting uncomfortable clothes.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Cynthia,
As you know.. my transition was not smooth.. My wife.. now ex upfront said if I transition we will divorce.. and we did.. but also as you know we are as close as before transition but in a different way.
Nothing but a grave was going to keep me from being me.
I know you are working with her.. but sounds like she is kind of like my wife..
My wife said she likes men just plain and simple!
So I chose life over death and did it... it was no fun thats for sure.
So, I suppose I should also say, there is no cure for us except transition.. I wish there was..
Not transitioning for some is just learning to deal with it long term.. for others the bell goes off and its over.. like me!
I suppose what I am beating around the bush about.. and I have to say it.. or I would not be a friend.. is that you may have to let her go.. as a wife but try to show her you still love her and you can be friends.. also she will want to know you will take care of her.. the scary part for them is insecurity.. and I sure cant blame them for that..
Dodie.. AKA Keri
Quote from: Dodie on May 26, 2015, 05:00:15 PM
Cynthia,
As you know.. my transition was not smooth.. My wife.. now ex upfront said if I transition we will divorce.. and we did.. but also as you know we are as close as before transition but in a different way.
Nothing but a grave was going to keep me from being me.
I know you are working with her.. but sounds like she is kind of like my wife..
My wife said she likes men just plain and simple!
So I chose life over death and did it... it was no fun thats for sure.
So, I suppose I should also say, there is no cure for us except transition.. I wish there was..
Not transitioning for some is just learning to deal with it long term.. for others the bell goes off and its over.. like me!
I suppose what I am beating around the bush about.. and I have to say it.. or I would not be a friend.. is that you may have to let her go.. as a wife but try to show her you still love her and you can be friends.. also she will want to know you will take care of her.. the scary part for them is insecurity.. and I sure cant blame them for that..
Dodie.. AKA Keri
There's nothing wrong with being trans. It takes time to adjust and the trans people wrestle with it all their life before "coming out." It may take other people time to adjust as well, sometimes requiring an endless amount of patience on your part. But other people usually won't take as long as the 29 years it took me to accept my being trans. I wouldn't want a "cure." I'd rather transition and just be me. One of the reasons reparative therapy is so damaging is because it's based around the belief that there is something wrong with being gay or trans; something that theoretically could be cured.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Obfuskatie on May 26, 2015, 06:20:56 PM
There's nothing wrong with being trans. It takes time to adjust and the trans people wrestle with it all their life before "coming out." It may take other people time to adjust as well, sometimes requiring an endless amount of patience on your part. But other people usually won't take as long as the 29 years it took me to accept my being trans. I wouldn't want a "cure." I'd rather transition and just be me. One of the reasons reparative therapy is so damaging is because it's based around the belief that there is something wrong with being gay or trans; something that theoretically could be cured.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Amen to that sister... I just love being me.. its so awesome to not want to be someone else.. for the first time in my life.. The journey does have light at the end of the tunnel.. Even on a bad day I would rather be a woman.. yea!!!
Its like being a kid.. sort of.. experiencing things for the first time.. Like being called a bitch.. yea!! or being called a crazy bitch ..yea.. both have happened to me..yea!! Most of all I love the small things.. and there are too many to mention.
Cynthia I just wish you peace on your journey.. you deserve it.
Dodie
Dodie
Thank you Katie and Dodie, both of you have a very good perspective and recommendations.
I really need my forehead corrected and then hair corrected. I will need to somehow get it done. When I look in the mirror my face really bothers me and a good amount of the issue is my upper face and hair.
My wife and I are not intimate anymore but I love her and want to maintain our marriage. We are more than friends. I don't know what I would do if I lost my family.
________________________________________________________________________
Today marks 2 years HRT.
I went to my therapist, gym and group.
Therapist
I went over the continuous micro aggressions I get at home. My therapist said only your wife and daughter can change that and they are angry and hurt and they are taking it out on you. I said I am getting really tired of it and she said I need to have a talk and express how I feel.
I went over how I was walking in our new high rise building and I was walking and there was a wall of mirrors floor to ceiling. I hate my reflection and it took me by surprise. I would have avoided the area if I remembered it was there.
I went over that I ordered two more outfits for the PTHC conference. These are my taste. My therapist said I am new to transition and have the same issues a your girl would have about body image and that I should express how I feel comfortable. The other girls at the workshop will be wearing dresses and I just do not feel comfortable in a dress.
Gym
I have been running and my knee is bothering me. My trainer watched how I run and I will try a different way and see how that works.
Group
Group was packed again with no chairs empty. Group was fantastic and we really shared and connected.
Mazzoni Walgreens will only have 20 mg/ml delestrogen till next year. The 40 mg/ml is on backorder. I will need to inject with twice the volume and I am really apprehensive. Time will tell if my apprehension is unfounded.
My Father-in-Law died today; he was 85. He had prostate cancer 15 years ago and we all thought it was cured. What we found out is that it can go into remission but you are never cured. When it comes back it comes with a vengeance. Odd how he had routine follow-ups periodically and everything was good or so he would say. He had a full life and he is better off now than he was yesterday. Sad still the same. Looking at pictures is very emotional.
I am again reminded that we all have only so much time. I have been reminded many times the lesson, life is precious.
I will be wearing a suit for the wake and funeral and a fair amount of gel in my hair. I made this promise to my wife a while ago.
So sorry for your loss. I think that is one thing people forget about cancer is your not cured and just in remission because it can come back anytime and generally stronger the next time around. Hugs
Mariah
My condolences, I wish you and your family the best in your grief.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thank you Mariah and Katie.
The viewing was last night and funeral this morning. We just got home a few hours ago.
___________________________________________________
I went to my Therapist, gym and a hair salon Wednesday morning.
Therapist
I asked if she knew anything about the Philadelphia Transgender Center. She gave me her opinion and she asked I search out references. If anyone has any first hand experience please let me know your experience and thoughts.
I told her I have an issue looking like a guy and wearing a dress or a skirt. I like female jeans, shorts and tops but not going very feminine or I feel uncomfortable. She said do what make you feel comfortable. I am presenting at the PTHC on Saturday with 5 other trans-woman. They are yonder and look good and will be expressing in dresses and I will have mid ankle kakis, a coral top and Toms. I really need FFS. I just can not be myself like this and it is upsetting.
I told her I was going to the hair salon across the street from my therapist. There are a lot of ally salons in the area. I intended to have my hair evened out and split ends removed. It was 1 year ago the butcher cut 4 inches of hair when I asked for 1/2 inch.
I told my therapist of a dream I remembered from the night. I had stabbed myself in my lower right abdomen. I had put a patch on the wound and went to the gym and my trainer saw the blood on my shirt and pulled it up to see the wound. She got very excited and nervous. When I awoke it brought back a memory of a Mom that saw bruise marks on my upper arms and lifted my shirt to see my torso covered in bruise marks. She freaked and asked me a bunch of questions. I was scared and told her who did it and then she asked if anything else happened. I lied. The bruises had been something that happened a bunch of times but when she told my Mom it was the last.
Trainer
She checks out my arms and legs for any marks and questions me when she finds them. I had done something stupid with a cryo liquid a few month ago on my arm and she gave the third degree (no pun intended). Now she goes over any bruise and cut. I am clumsy and always have a few cuts and bruises and have to explain.
She worked me hard and I wanted to throw up at the end. It was an intense workout.
Salon
I told the person doing my hair I am trans and what my needs were for the hair cut. She did not bat an eye and was very good. I may try another salon next year that my trainer recommended.
PTHC
I am working the kids camp for 8 hours tomorrow and 4 on Saturday and Co-Presenting/ facilitating a workshop on Saturday.
This has been a really busy week.
Hang in there! Good job on the hair.
I know what you mean about not looking like a guy and needing FFS. I had those same feelings. FFS did solve many of those issues.
Hugs
Jen
Thank you Jen. I was putting off going to Boston to have a consultation with Dr. Spiegel because of my Father-in-Law's poor health. He has passed and the PTHC is over ( I worked the kids camp and our group presented a workshop). I now can look ahead.
I was triggered bad last night but was able to recover. When I came home from the PTHC my wife said my nails look silly, my hair looks silly and I look like a guy in woman's cloths. Then she said she married a man and wanted her husband back then she started crying. I had just left the PTHC and working with Kids Camp where there were a lot of young trans kids 5-10 years old. That alone was a huge trigger but I was handling it.
At kids Camp I have a few really moving water colors the really young kids made. I have pics of them and may ask permission to post them here. When I was sitting with the kids one asked if I am a MTF? I said yes and he said I am a FTM. I was moved. Another child on the spectrum asked if I was a boy or a girl. I said some of each. There were 6 or so Allies there but only one other was trans and she was working with on child the whole time. So I got asked a lot of questions which was fine and a lot of trans kids were sent my way and we painted and drew pictures, played little games and just connected. Having a bunch of kids playing around and on you is a great feeling. I had an emotional and rewarding experience. I was there giving the child in me the love and support she never had. They were a great bunch of well adjusted, supported and loved children. Oh, chocolate banana bread is to die for :)
The group workshop we did at the PTHC was wonderful and well done :)
I went to My therapists, gym and group tonight.
Therapist
I told her how I got triggered Saturday night. It was the worst dysphoria attack I have had to date. The next day I woke up still suffering a little and it felt like I had a hangover. She reviewed how I need stop the stimulus that caused the attack and what to do in the future. I went over an issue that occurred Wednesday. She recommended a book about the stages of grief. She said I can recognize someone's grief stage but it is their grief they must process through it. She said I may benefit from the book too.
I decided to e-mail Dr. Mcginn and request the details on if and orchi would cause issues with later GCS and if not the process for scheduling an orchi. I also want to schedule a consult with Dr Spiegel this week.
Gym
My trainer put me through the wringer tonight. Also, she sent me some nice quotes to read.
Group
Group was fantastic. I think we had 40.
Thursday I went to the therapist, gym and group. Saturday I went for electrolysis.
Electrolysis,
I am at hour 35 or so for beard removal. I need another 90 or so hours. This is taking a long time :(
Group,
was very good again and there were 35 or so there. We need a bigger room.
Gym,
my trainer worked me hard. She started to send me inspirational sayings via text. She is very nice and inspiring.
Therapist,
We discussed how my dysphoria will not go away unless I do something about it. I was at a low point. I told her I really hate being trans and I hate my body and voice. If I get procedures I will be divorced and alone. If I do not get procedures I will be miserable and potentially self destructive.
I spoke to my wife today about how I need to get fully corrected. She started crying saying I would look ridiculous and everyone would talk about me and she could not stay with me. I said I wanted an orchi and she said she wanted to see a marriage counselor so she could have sex with me again. I have been asking that we see a marriage counselor for 6 1/2 months now she said she can mentally prepare toward the end of the year. Her Dad died last month and our daughter is going to college in Sept. and she said emotionally she can not handle it now. 6 1/2 months ago she said we would never have sex again. She said should she even invest the emotional effort if I get FFS or and orchi.
When we saw Dr. McGinn she asked the doctor if I had a orchi would I be able to have an erection and the doctor said most likely not. So now she is saying no to an orchi when before it was yes.
Hi Cynthia,
As you know, I'm still with my wife. She still goes up and down, one year after going full time. Expect that.
Overall, I think you are making progress in your relationship. Your wife, in some ways, is in transition as well and it's one she really doesn't want to do. Be patient and understanding. There is hope.
As far as the orchi, I had one and I still get erections. It takes time, it takes desire. But it still works. It's more a matter of brain vs. equipment. Most will not get erections because of the dysphoria and it doesn't mentally fee right to them. There is nothing wrong with that.
Hang in there!!
Hugs,
Jen
Thank you Jen. Your support and information you shared with me has been invaluable, thank you.
I have had a lot of dysphoria lately. However, today I had only a brief small issue this morning then I was able to have a really good day :) . I was thinking the "things" that most hurt me when I was very young still hurt me the most today. There are more things now but the core is still the core.
My therapist had to cancel our Friday phone session because she got robbed just before we were to call each other. It was the only time we could talk this week ( she was at training) and next week because she will be on vacation. She was ok from the theft but was shaken up and had to make out a police report. It will be a very long 2 weeks.
My wife scheduled a marriage counseling session for 7/7/15. I am really apprehensive. Addressing issues is not my strong card. I am trans, in transition and I need to get corrected. So how can I not be the issue in the marriage? How can we survive together or separate? How can I get through this if I lose half of me without her and half will be lost if I do not get corrected? I really do not see an answer or how it can fixed. How do you compromise on being corrected? it is not like it goes away, it just gets worse.
I am going to work a table for work tomorrow at an LGBTI rally in the gayborhood. It is the 50th anniversary of a march on city hall and with the recent marriage equality ruling I expect it to be a big event.
Group was packed with no seats of floor space available. Because our PTHC workshop went so well Mazzoni may support several workshops at William Way. I really want to go to the William Way group meetings too and may in the future. There is a lot of momentum and thoughts of inviting city wide groups to participate. This could be really exciting and a lot of fun. There is so much need and material we could work on.
A work project is not going well. They will be working on it tomorrow and they will text with updates. Tomorrow is a make or break day. "I am on thin ice" to quote my boss. I am worried but confident it will work.
This has been the second week without my therapist, she is on vacation. I will see her Thursday. I want to text her but I do not what to bother her.
My wife and I are seeing a marriage therapist Tuesday. This will be difficult for both of us. I am not looking forward to addressing the issues. I want to get fully corrected and my wife wants me to go back in the box. In March she said an orchi, tracheal shave and hair correction was ok. I really need my face corrected too. I wanted to schedule the orchi and now it is off the table. I want to get my hair corrected and that is off the table. I feel numb and do not want to continue if I have no hope. I have difficulty making decisions that will have huge impacts, small impacts too for that matter. I think about easier ways out.
Mazzoni is not able to take new patients. They are overwhelmed with the numbers of trans seeking help. Group is full each week. There was a trans woman who was in distress and was crying. She was stating what we all go through and it was spot on and very heartbreaking. Then we gave support. One trans man said something that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard someone say to another person. Then a trans woman spoke up and said she constantly thinks about suicide and gave detail. At that point I was wiping my eyes and I could not give support because I was choked up.
Last Sunday I was in the neighborhood and a guy was following me and saying "stuff". I tried to shake him but he kept up. he started to get more verbal and I started to get nervous. This went on for a while. I could not duck into a Starbucks or the like because he would follow and then he would get close. I finally ducked into the 12th street gym. He waited at the door looking in. I pointed at him and the receptionist picked up the phone. He darted away. I looked out the door and went the other way and then to my car in a parking garage.
My trainer said I need to get assertive. She then said welcome to your future. She said there are people at the gym that could help me with this. Perhaps I should do that because I avoid confrontation to an extreme. She also told me what she does. She is very assertive and gets aggressive. She has dealt with the creeps. She also said I give off a wounded animal vibe and they pick up on it. I prefer to think of it as a dear in headlights. She said I should take self defense classes at the gym.
I will be in the neighborhood tomorrow but there will be a lot of people this week :) I will be staffing a table for work during the celebration.
I went to my therapist, gym and tried to go to group Thursday.
Group,
was cancelled because the AC for the high rise building was down :( . While I was talking to a friend on the corner of 12th and Walnut a guy got verbally abusive requesting sex. He was loud and shouting. When he got close he got quieter but persisted. We just kept up the conversation and ignored him. He just kept walking.
Gym,
I had no energy left at the end of the session. I think that session was one of the most draining.
Therapist,
I went over what was happening over the past 2 weeks. I went over my apprehensions over the marriage counseling this Wednesday.
I went over two days in a row when my dysphoria was bad and I had little sleep. One day I had an impulse while drive to work for 2 or 3 minutes. I was able to think about something else and the issue ended.
I went over some really personal things and she helped to put them into perspective.
I went over the lunch table jokes some of the guys were saying and how they are not funny and I do not get the joke. She said people who suffer sexual abuse do not think those types of jokes are funny. I actually fell asleep at lunch because I am so board. She said I needed a new cohort (female) for lunch. I know where so people eat in another building and I think I will eat with them Monday.
Hey Cynthia,
Haven't seen any updates in a while. hope everything is going ok.
Thank you DuckyAlexis, the last two weeks have been difficult.
I just got back from my therapist, gym and group.
Last week was difficult. On Wednesday my wife and I went to a marriage counselor. She was chosen by my wife and is very opinionated and direct. She recommended we split up. She said she provides counseling for trans but had difficulty relating to some of the things I said yet had the standard lingo and used it on me.
I am really lucky to have my therapist, group and my trainer (we talked last week and I did not work out) and Susan's. I did do one stupid thing and was lucky. Group was wonderful and I had 30 sisters and brothers support me. We have a close group with a good sense of community. That really made a difference last week.
I felt that I could not post in the forums what was going on. I felt isolated and I did not want to post what I was feeling, thinking and contemplating and what I had done. I did not want to be a GM falling apart and going to pieces on the forums. That was a mistake. I should have PM a few for support.
We went back to the marriage counselor last night and reheard the messages from last week. There was a lot of emotion but this time was different. I realized what she was saying was right. There is a point where I transition when I will be alone. There is no one in the world I will ever be with other than my wife so at some point I will be alone, I will lose my daughter and my soul mate. We love each other deeply but my wife is not lesbian and she is embarrassed to be with a trans-woman. It is not her fault, it just is and she can not accept me when I have procedures. We will always be in each others life, love each other and occasionally see each other. This is incredibly sad and heartbreaking. I will always be there for her and help pay expenses.
It is not "Always Sunny in Philadelphia". If one day at a time is too much then one hour or one minute.
Hugs,
Cynthia
I some how missed this post last night, but was wondering how things went. I'm glad things are sorted out to a point where you know what lies ahead. Big hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 23, 2015, 08:30:17 PM
Thank you DuckyAlexis, the last two weeks have been difficult.
I just got back from my therapist, gym and group.
Last week was difficult. On Wednesday my wife and I went to a marriage counselor. She was chosen by my wife and is very opinionated and direct. She recommended we split up. She said she provides counseling for trans but had difficulty relating to some of the things I said yet had the standard lingo and used it on me.
I am really lucky to have my therapist, group and my trainer (we talked last week and I did not work out) and Susan's. I did do one stupid thing and was lucky. Group was wonderful and I had 30 sisters and brothers support me. We have a close group with a good sense of community. That really made a difference last week.
I felt that I could not post in the forums what was going on. I felt isolated and I did not want to post what I was feeling, thinking and contemplating and what I had done. I did not want to be a GM falling apart and going to pieces on the forums. That was a mistake. I should have PM a few for support.
We went back to the marriage counselor last night and reheard the messages from last week. There was a lot of emotion but this time was different. I realized what she was saying was right. There is a point where I transition when I will be alone. There is no one in the world I will ever be with other than my wife so at some point I will be alone, I will lose my daughter and my soul mate. We love each other deeply but my wife is not lesbian and she is embarrassed to be with a trans-woman. It is not her fault, it just is and she can not accept me when I have procedures. We will always be in each others life, love each other and occasionally see each other. This is incredibly sad and heartbreaking. I will always be there for her and help pay expenses.
It is not "Always Sunny in Philadelphia". If one day at a time is too much then one hour or one minute.
Hugs,
Cynthia
Hey,
Hugs!!!!
I'm so sorry this has happened. You are a wonderful, caring person. Remember that! Anytime, PM, email or call. I am here.
Jen
Thank you Jen and Mariah.
I realize when I am not able to cope it is gradual and always followed by days of very little and no sleep and being in a situation I can not resolve. I begin to focus on the issue and everything else gets pushed aside and I can not escape.
In two weeks I will participate in a mindfulness class before group for two sessions to see if that helps. I am hoping I can shut off or shut out the issues before it gets to the point I can not think about anything else and restore balance and perspective.
My wife wanted a 2 week no trans discussion and it has been a lot less stressful. I have an appointment for 8/31 with my PA-C for medication. I think I really need a way to deal with spontaneous impulses when things get really close, I have little or no sleep from obsessing on issues and am in pain. Feeling numb is not what I want. I went decades self medicating and I can not take that. I want to feel and have emotions.
I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday.
Therapist
I have a meeting Tuesday with HR. My therapist went over topics to discuss. I will make a list and an agenda for the meeting. My therapist gave me some fantastic things to discuss that I would never have thought about.
I went over the issue that recently occurred. We discussed how I impact others and the value I bring into their life. Even if I was divorced and had very limited contact with my wife and daughter I would still provide a lot for them monetarily and they need it. Also at work we went over how my teams would change and how that would impact them, patient care and research. I understand all that but it is different when the it happens and I just try to get through it and then it is too much and an opportunity present itself. It is like a three day event that just get worse and worse until something stops it.
Ok, enough of that. I realize I need to get a coping mechanism when it happen and get sleep! I don't want to do something stupid and I really have a lot of things to look forward to and I am so very very lucky. I really am very fortunate.
The last topic my therapist said was that in 5 years all this will have been a blip and I need to think about that.
I meet with HR Tuesday, my boss on Wednesday and therapist on Thursday.
The meeting with HR went exceptionally well. Well to the point I was in shock. It caught up with me Thursday on the ride home from my therapist. It sunk in. I am still feeling the effects. I can not believe how well supported I am. They offered a newly hired transition team head who has a lot of experience. There were 5 questions my therapist recommended I ask and they answered them with overwhelming support. When I asked what about bathrooms I was told that if I come out as trans and use my preferred name then I would be forbidden to use the men's room from that point on. I was not expecting that. I have absolutely no dysphoria over bathrooms. I just assumed I would be able to choose and not be told. Point being I never though about it and I was surprised. I am apprehensive and I most likely will use the single stall bathrooms. I do not want cause an issue. I look like a guy and it is embarrassing.
I have a friend in Finance and we go over finance issues each week. She said she would use the bathroom with me and it is not an issue.
Thursday on the ride home I had a really bad dysphoria attack. It had been 2 weeks since my last bad attack and I thought I was ok and did not need my appointment at the end of the month for medication. My trainer told me too exercise and I was going up 28 flights of steps each day, walking and going to the gym. I was feeling really good. This attack was on par with December 2012. I will keep my appointment at the end of the month for medication.
I have a lot of self hatred and resentment toward myself for not coming out sooner. ( I am not crazy) It is as if there is a very hurt and angry person inside me. The overwhelming support at work sunk in and I really hate myself for not being able to make a decision and sticking to it all my life. I realize I really want my wife and daughter in my life but I want to be myself too. Is that too much?
Cynthia, it's not to much to ask. It's hard to be torn between two things that result in conflicting choices, but in the end it comes down to which choice you can live with most. It's clearly becoming you being your authentic self is the one that is crucial. For me it was an easy call, but for some with other baggage coming in it's not so clear cut. In time, I can only hope that you get to keep them in your life even if it's a different relationship than it's been. Hugs
Mariah
Hey,
Mariah is correct. However, keep working on your wife. If not as marriage partners, at least as friends. You can keep your daughter in your life...
Hugs
Jen
Thank you Mariah and Jen. I will always be friends with my wife. Married is my wife's choice; I will never give up on her. My daughter I hope will some day accept me.
I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday.
Therapist
I went over the HR meeting and that a transition coordinator was assigned. We meet next week with the Senior HR business partner.
I told her about the dysphoria attack last Thursday night. ( I do not have multiple personalities) I was so angry with myself and there was a lot of self hate. I am so unbelievably supported at work I was in shock. I was so angry with myself for not doing this a long time ago. For not making a decision and doing it a year ago. For putting myself through hell, for abandoning myself. For pushing myself down and letting myself always be pushed down and drowned out. For abandoning my promises to myself and lying to myself.
I told her I will schedule an orchi. I called Dr. McGinnis office and I need a second letter. I am working on getting the letter.
Group
3 trans woman I am friends with are leaving and going up North. I will miss them but it is a good thing. We said our good byes.
"Therefore, I forget what lies behind and push forward to what lies ahead..."
Hugs
Jen
Hi Cynthia,
I just finished reading this whole thread. Wow! You have come a long way since your first post. I was hoping that things between your wife and daughter would go a little better. You might find you end up having a better relationship if you are separated. You can be free to be the person you are and your wife won't be putting herself in the closet, so to speak, by being forced to live in a lesbian relationship when she is hetro.
I am 42, married, no children. I'm still way behind everyone else here as far as knowing who or what I am. I spend pretty much every moment I am awake imagining my life as a woman, but then suddenly I snap and think "what the....! I am a man!" It's like I am simultaneously male and female. Truly messing with my head. I have been seeing a therapist but he has no trans experience. I am on a waiting list to see a gender therapist. Hopefully I don't have to wait too much longer.
Anyway, I just want to wish you all the best and hope things work out well for you. As others here have mentioned, your posts on here are helpful to others. Thank you.
Jayne
Thank you Jen, your comment is very appropriate to my situation. Also, your footnote hits home too. As scary as it is coming out at work everyone to date I have told ( 70 or so) have been supportive or said it did not matter. Only 13,930 more people to go :)
Jayne1, thank you for your support. You mentioned you are far behind everyone else. Transition is a personal journey and no two transitions are the same. You get to explore who you are and what you need to do.
For me, my journey, I am starting to realize is about self acceptance and forgiving myself. Also, about living my life as myself. Although this sounds easy it has been my biggest challenge.
I went to a marriage counselor recently and I thought her advise was very rash and rude. I have reflected on what she has said and I have to admit she is so very right. She told me to come to her the next week and tell her I am transgender and I want to do ...... . Thus informing my wife what the future holds.
The further I go the better I feel. Not in informing someone of what I want to do but to resolve and define who I am. I am who I am and denying who I am causes me to twist and be turn.
I wish you luck in your journey and quick access to a gender therapist. You may want to go to Psychology Today and look up gender Therapists in your area.
Hi Cynthia,
Forgot to mention I'm from Sydney, Australia. Doesn't seem to be much in the way of support here. However, the therapist I'm waiting to see I'm told is very good. I just need to be patient. The therapist I am seeing is good. He goes and finds new information between sessions. He tries to teach himself about trans issues so that he can better help me. It is helping until my turn comes up with the gender therapist.
Also this forum is great. So many people who understand fully what other people go through and everybody wants to help. Without the internet and websites such as Susan's, I would definitely be completely miserable thinking there is something truly wrong with me and feel like the only person in the world with this problem.
Jayne
Hi Cynthia, I'm Ari. I just wanted to say that I read your original post on this thread from back in 2013, and it honestly made me feel a lot better about some problems I've been having lately. What stood out to me was the part at the end of your post where you talked about the differences between your male and female self, and how you attributed your female self to the reason you have been successful. I have honestly been wrestling with this idea myself for over a month straight, and it's taken up a lot of my time.
With myself I have also been realizing that my male self tends to be built around the same negative emotions you describe in your post, and I feel sometimes like my male self is based around nothing except societies expectations of me. On the other side, every step I've taken toward discovering my female self has been a very positive and uplifting experience, and in my case it has allowed me to grow even closer with my girlfriend since I am acting more true to myself. Your post made me realize that Ari has been an integral part of me for a long time, and that giving up parts of my male self will be nothing more than shedding negativity.
I would like to say thank you Cynthia, your first post on this thread helped me a lot today and I needed it. I'm sorry if this comes off as odd, but I just felt I needed to share this.
-Ari
Cynthia,
Your posts seem to be helping a lot of people... girl.. helped me too....
I like what your therapist said.. One thing I did was make it clear to my wife I was going to be a woman period and the one thing she made clear to me is that she wants a man.. We cleared that up early.. but I lived in denial thinking since she loved me so much she would come around and want to stay married and just be buddies..
In the end I like men and she does too.. she has a boyfriend I love to death and we are now living together as friends until she gets re married. Life is funny that way..
But you know the hell we went through to get here.. dust settles and it is what it is.
It's interesting what one of your posters said about the male self vs female self.. was true for me too.. all those years performing as a dude.. wishing I was myself.. made me hate men that were lazy.. I was like if I can do this as me whats your problem dude..
Anyway, I have pretty much become totally female now... a little guy is left but not much.. Its hard sometimes even though I consider myself cured. I could bring myself to tears in seconds if I think about Doug..or something he used to do with Sandi.. I can break my own heart if I go there..
Keri
Jayne01, I think Ms Grace is from Sydney and may be able to point you in the direction of local support. Also, Cindy may be able to provide direction on local support. There is noting wrong with you, it is how you were when born and there are a lot of us.
Marvelous91, your post is not odd and I am glad posting of my struggles (which helps me a lot) has helped you.
Keri, thank you for sharing. I too hope my wife loves me enough to support me but that is wishful thinking, I think.
Thursday I say my therapist, trainer and went to group. Friday I had my 1st meeting with a HR transition team.
Therapist,
I was stressed when I meet with my therapist ( I had difficulty making eye contact). I am afraid of the future. I went over that Friday I meet with the HR transition team. Also, I called HUP for a karyotype test ( I got the order Friday). I explained I am apprehensive I am scared about the meeting 8/31 with my PA-C about medication for depression. She asked about how I was doing with suicidal thoughts. I went into details and she recommended I re-read 101 reason's not to kill yourself. She tried to give me a perspective about the struggle and what it will be like when it is over. She went over how it is normal to be scared about transition. I explained when HR told me how much support I have at work that a few days after on my way home pure hatred came out. I feel I have completely hid who I am and caused myself so much pain and I am afraid for no reason. It is all in my head and not real. There was a lot of self hate that came up.
Transition team
We went over a lot. I explained I have very bad dysphoria about my body and not about my name, bathrooms, clothing or some other things. I explained I am out to 70 or so people and they want to assemble a team from them for support. I explained pretty much what I wrote above with my therapist ( I wanted them to know this is not a game and what is at stake). I explained I will not come out in September and why. They shared that the CEO/COO just worked with another person in leadership that just transitioned on the job. They will put me in contact with that person. They explained the CEO/COO was very supportive when she was told and she said she suspected such. They also explained I need to come out to a Senor Director next week because I will have several in his department on the team. They said he is an ally. We will meet again in the coming weeks. I have some homework between now and then.
I can understand I came out to myself first admitted at the age of 28 that I was a trans man, it was a long ass road and I hid my true self for a long long time, I came out last year to my family at the dinner table and to my suprise they didn't over react like I thought they would which took some of the weight and anxiety off my shoulders cause I thought they wouldn't accept me. Now coming out to my kids scared the living hell out of me that mommy was now going to be daddy, I would stay up at night crying trying to figure out how to break it to them thinking '' would they push me away?, disown me? would they think I lost my mind? Think I am disgusting? '' it's hard and it cause a lot of distress, anxiety and depression. I still am not comfortable with my own self even after dressing like a male I still look like a female in man's clothing and it bothers me to know end, I am looking into going on T and starting surgeries but I know it's going to be a long journey first and I still break down every time I see myself in the mirror, try to flatting my chest with my hands when standing naked in front of it and soo forth, but I would highly suggest that you talk to your therapist and ask for suggestion on how to talk to your wife and kids about it that is the biggest weight on your shoulders as I can see, I know it's really really scary believe me like I said it took me some time to find a way to come to mine, I read a forum ( I can't figure out where now I hate my memory lol) that showed me how to break it to them and it actually helped out a lot, It was a surprising outcome that I did not think was going to happen, they were actually very accepting so never know right. maybe even some support groups or the therapist can help ease them into that as well. I know the thought of losing your job also can be scary or the fact of not being accept anywhere for being trans is scary I still deal with that today, I am always getting odd looks or even whispers behind my back, but your not alone there are tons of wonderful people here that will support you through this and your journey I have only been here a few days and I've been welcomed with open arms by soo many.
Gage
Thank you Gage, I appreciate your support and advise.
I went to the Therapist, gym and group tonight.
Therapist
I reviewed, I have an appointment with my PA-C Monday (6 week wait) for medication for depression. My therapist said I have long term depression and the marriage counselor my wife and I went to recommended I get medication for depression. I feel like I always have felt. The issue is when I have very little or no sleep for 3 day and get hit with dysphoria I do something impulsive to stop the pain.
I have thought about the more recent three attempts (2 in Dec 2012 and one 6 weeks ago). All three involved a tractor trailer. My Dad drove a tractor trailer. I know he caused me a lot of pain and perhaps there is a connection.
I had a karyotype test done, results in 3 weeks. I was told by my PA-c that it would not be paid by insurance. I finally found where in HUP they have the test (fertility department) and I was told it is covered by insurance.
Meet with HR last Friday to go over how things are going. They are so supportive. I was told what the COO and CEO said when she was informed. She said she thought something was going on. She was extremely supportive and said she was just finishing working with a person that transitioned in senior leadership. I played dumb and said I did not know the person. They said they will put me into contact with him.
I had my appointment with my PA-c today and got a beginning dose prescription for depression. I see him in 2 weeks for my trans care and depression medication review. I will be getting my second letter for my orchi :) .
He went over how things are going at home and work and we discussed how things are going. I explained what happened 6 weeks ago and what caused the attempt. I explained my work is stressful but I can cope. I explained I love my wife and he will leave me if I come out or do any external thing trans at work; still I am able to process and cope. The issue was extreme self hatred. 6 weeks ago I had a conversation with HR and they were 100% supportive of everything I mentioned. This festered for 3 days and I had little sleep. Then that Friday while getting on 76 extreme self hate erupted and the pain was intense. There is a part of me so completely angry at myself for not being myself. I got on 76 with a tractor trailer coming up at 50 or 60 mph. I saw him and I deliberately did it without thinking about it and I did not look back. I did not care at that point. 5 minutes later what I did hit me and I called for an appointment to see my doctor for medication. I do not think it will help. Only one thing will help, being true.
I was on vacation last week so no therapist, gym or group. I see them this week :)
Had my follow up doctors appointment today. My script for depression was doubled. I also got my second letter for a orchi :) :).
I saw a very cool silver arm band tattoo of ocean waves last week on the beach. HUUM, no I have enough :(
Thursday I saw my therapist, trainer and went to group.
Therapist
I had my karyotype taken and I am 46XY. I could have sworn I was IS but I am not. My therapist asked how did I feel when I found out. I said I was shocked and thought to myself I am trans and not IS. I like knowing the answer to the question. I now can say definitively and identify where I fit. She asked if I had any suicidal thoughts over the information and I said no.
We discussed my medication for depression. It is really helping. I find myself feeling happy at times for no reason. I am more productive and have more motivation. I also found myself wanting to break exercise records. I find myself able to handle more transition challenges and instead of thinking about suicide I think I can do this. I should have been on a serotonin uptake inhibitor years ago.
Trainer
She really challenged me and I was able to manage. She started me with 50 seated squats 6 inched off the ground with 30 pound dumbbells curled on the down movement and it went on from there.
Group
Group was finally without drama and back to usual.
I saw my therapist Tuesday and my trainer Thursday. Group was cancelled due to Mazzoni closing at 5 today due to the shutting down of roads and people leaving town before Friday at 10:00 PM when a large part of the city will be barricaded with no car traffic allowed. I will be sleeping at work from Friday through Monday. Philly is preparing for the Pope.
Therapist
We reviewed the effects of the depression medication I am on. I still have suicidal thoughts but much less and less severe. My overall outlook is better. Perhaps I am accepting myself or perhaps others are accepting me more. I know one project stress from work is being resolved and that is a huge relief. I will behind in the project which will have ramifications.
I will be seeing another therapist for 4 weeks starting in October. My therapist is having a baby :)
We discussed some transition related issues.
Trainer
I will be sore tomorrow. The gym was empty due to what is happening in Philly.
I went to my Therapist. gym and group Thursday.
Therapist
This is my last session for a while with my present therapist. She is having a baby. I am trying to line up a temp therapist and the one I wanted most likely will be my temp therapist.
I really need a therapist and if this does not work out I have another candidate lined up.
The last week was stressful at work. I had to stay from Friday through Monday due to the papal visit in Philly. I had little sleep and constant issues. Monday night I slept at home and had a bad dream about physical violence at work. When I woke I kept thinking what would I do it that happened. I got really emotional but later fell back to sleep. It has been on the back of my mind.
Gym
My trainer is really good and she keeps pushing me to new levels.
Group
There were two woman that are having a rough time. We provided support and the one was offered a lot of help through Mazzoni. The other I think may have been fired today.
Hey,
Hugs!
I have decided that our fear is much worse than reality. It has been a tough road for sure, but it's also been the experience of a lifetime. Things have gotten better for me and they will for you. So hang on! It actually gets kinda fun.
Hugs
Jen
This is an amazing thread. There is simply nothing like it anywhere else. It is a roller coaster ride in print, going from tragedy to triumph, from soaring emotional heights and disparate lows. Cynthia, you are an extraordinary woman.
Jen, thank you for the words of support; they do help.
Katy, thank you for the compliment. I am just an average person in a difficult position trying to do what many have done before me.
At work today I attended a diversity training. All of management are being trained on 8 competencies. They are part of our annual evaluation. The training was headed by our COO and he came out publically as gay. Another thing he shared was a Doctor was fired for refusing to treat a trans patient due to religious reasons. He said we have a zero tolerance for bigotry. I e-mailed him after the training and thanked him for being an amazing leader and helping so many who are afraid to come out and for supporting those who are trans. He said to see him so we could talk. I have known him for 27 years and he is a fantastic person.
Thursday I went to my temporary therapist. She is very good. She was the top of the list my 1st therapist recommended I see when she closed her practice. At the time she had no openings. She recommends I follow up with the Wash West addictions group meetings. I told her where I am right now at work and home and my alternatives, needs and fears. At about the 5 minute mark I explained what the marriage counselor said to my wife and I after 30 minutes of meeting us. Which is we no longer have a marriage, are room mates and should go our separate ways. My therapist said that is something that is highly abrupt and unsupportive. At the 25 minute mark my therapist said my wife and I should have a conversation about the future and that we are room mates, no longer have a marriage and we both deserve the opportunity to find a partner that is supportive and be in a supportive environment.
I have a lot of things going on and I volunteer for a lot of things. This weekend I am working the work table at the Outfest event. Next weekend I am working at work with the Family Matters annual event. I will be working with the trans kids. Work and commute is 13 hours a day and then there is transition, therapy, group, training and my training with my trainer. I have one capital project that starting to straighten out but it caused me a lot of anxiety. I sent my CV to someone who is recommending me for a volunteer position for the City of Philadelphia. Also, I am on the Trans feminine selection group for the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference. I try to keep very busy doing positive things. It really helps being involved and helping others. Somehow it takes my problems and puts them aside and it provides positive feedback.
I went to my therapist, gym and group Thursday and Saturday I volunteered at the Family Matters Pride event at work.
Therapist
I went over the frustration of trying to schedule an orchi with Dr. McGinn. She is booked up through December and I am trying to schedule the procedure and they are trying to fit me in in December. I don't care if it is January or February, I just want to schedule the date.
A lot of people in my department know I am trans. So when I come out it most likely be a we know and no big deal. I think it is now more of a when will you come out and what are you waiting for.
I volunteered for the Family Matters Pride annual event that was held at work. The COO introduced his partner to me and used my preferred name. He gave an opening speech where he stated he is a gay man. Then he introduced the Physician and Chief for PA (she is trans) and she spoke about mindfulness. I worked with children at the conference and had a lot of fun. My two co-volunteers (part of Pride at work) one is a Research Doctor and the other a NP-c.
I went to my temporary therapist Thursday and electrolysis today.
My temporary therapist said I am reliving the shame and guilt from my earlier life over and over again and I need to break the cycle. She asked me why I have the guilt and shame. I could not look at her. I looked down and away from her and I went into it. Now the guilt and shame is associated with the guilt of hurting my wife and shame of being myself and people not understanding what trans is. We discussed this for a while then I said I need to have FFS and hair replacements to look better. I really do not want to like a guy in woman's cloths walking down the street. She then said pardon my language but F_ _ _ that. Then she said everyone feels their face or body needs improvement and that has nothing to do with how you feel inside and the need to be yourself.
This therapist is spot on and challenges me on what I say. My other therapist also said I am reliving my guilt and shame.
Cynthia, it's wonderful to see the new therapist is going to be able to help you. Sounds like she will really be able to help you get passed these issues. They're not easy ones to get passed and it's easy to get hung up and frustrated by them to the point we can't look someone in the face when talking about them. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Thank you Mariah, you words of encouragement are very helpful.
I forgot to mention. I was walking past a person at work and we are friends. He said I am really envious of you. I stopped and looked at him puzzled. I said why? He said you get to start fresh. You get to do what you want. He is married and cis hetero. I was stunned by his comment and it took me a while to understand what he meant. There are a lot of people living lives that are of circumstance and not of choice and they can be cis hetero.
Hey Cynthia,
Something happened with me and my ex today and suddenly I though I should post this to your page.. thread.
Call it womens intuition.. but the timing could not be better.
Ok, this guilt thing.. its so normal and trust me .. I have been living it.
There comes a time when enough is enough..
I am transitioned now and I am still trying to keep my ex happy and the whole family happy.. I held them up for 32 years.. To put it bluntly.. when I was thirty and figured out what was wrong with me and almost transitioned but did not because of the family.. I had put myself second to them and did that for 25 years..
How much more do I need to give.. what about me..
Lets talk about us.. we did not chose to be born this way.. we deserve to be happy like anyone else.
I look at other CIS people and think what the heck.. be happy.. at least your did not spend your entire life with GID.
So what brought this on this morning..is we had a plumbing issue I tried to fix.. water went everywhere.
My ex got upset flipped out and was angry.. not at me but the situation.
I had awoke in the best of moods.. so happy as usual.. I am always upbeat..
Well she drained my soul of everything and at that moment I felt like I had just died..
I could barely walk, I cried wanted to be alone..and told her I can't do it anymore.. I can't make her be happy anymore.. I said I only care about me now.. its time for Keri.. I am done..
Well did I mean it.. yes and no... in the moment I did.. I want to run away.. I want to leave my job and every responsibility of the past behind me.. Seriously..
I am so tired of others making us feel guilty for being who we are.. Its not right..
So, keep your chin up girl.. be you.. the heck with others that mistreat you.. One day, you have to live for yourself.. not others.. no one can make us happy forever and we will drain ourselves making everyone's world around us happy.. Take care of you!!
Keri
Hi Keri, thank you for the post. I share in the feelings when will I be able to be myself.
The last few weeks have been difficult. I did not post because things were a bit surreal. I came out at work which is a first to have someone transition while on the job. There are 13 other trans in the enterprise but they transitioned then came to work for us. I am a senior director so that added some complexity. There had to be a business plan, a transition team of 19 and a coming out schedule with 8 coming out meetings with co-workers. Where I work there are a lot of overachievers. Everyone was supportive and I was shocked by the support I received. Odd how I can no longer use the men's room at work so I use the all gender bathrooms. People were trying to use my name and pronoun but there were a lot of mistakes.
Now for the really sad part. My wife wants a divorce and my daughter will most likely not talk to me when she finds out. I love them dearly and I am incredibly sad over this. I do not know what I will do without them in my life. I understand that my wife is not lesbian and is heterosexual and is embarrassed to be with me. It is my change in the relationship that has caused this and it is not her fault. Still I wish she would stay with me.
My first name is Rachel, I just love that name :)
I intend to express at work this week coming. I am nervous :)
I have been out for a week and have changed all my work contacts, business cards and voice mail last week. That was scary for a day but feels really good now. I am happy I did that. Now I will see how changing my clothing feels.
I love my name Rachel and I hope to get the look I can feel comfortable with and looks good on me.
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
Glad to hear from you again but for the first time. :D
Congrats!!!!!!!
Big steps.
I'm in your neighborhood starting Dec. 6. Lunch?
Hugs
Jen
Hi Jen,
I will PM you my cell number.
Monday I dressed for work then undressed and put on male clothing. Tuesday I dressed and went to work. I had no comment to positive comment's from everyone with one exception. I went to the control room and saw 3rd shift. I stood there and asked what they thought. I had positive comments. They liked my bag too. When 1st shift came in I did the same and had positive comments. One guy said it feels strange. I said to him expressing and carrying a bag felt strange ,but good, to me too. I showed the office staff and they had positive comments. Two woman said they have the same pants. I went to meetings and just put my bag on the table and removed needed items and then hung it on my chair. Wednesday went easier :) .
We share our office suite with a lot of NP-c's and PA-c's and several approached the office manager late Tuesday and said they had thought something was going on with me for a while. They asked the office manager if it would be ok to talk to me and my name and pronoun. She said I am very open and approachable and my name is Rachel and the pronoun is she. I guess Friday and Monday several will be talking to me.
Rachel
My wife and I meet with a divorce mediator and purchased a divorce package. In 5 months I will be divorced; I am sad about the divorce and I have finally accepted that reality. I have been thinking (dwelling) about what the future will be like. Today when I came home from electrolysis my wife and daughter were out and did not come home till 3 pm. I was thinking is this what it will be like and what will I do.
A lot has been going on. Coming out at work, changed my ID and expressing at work. I was nervous with all three and did them separately. Changed my ID on 11/12, came out 11/13 and expressed 11/24. After a few weeks if feels good and I no longer think about it other than does this match with that. Work has been very accepting and welcoming. I am doing a presentation Monday and I am looking forward to it.
I have an e-mail into Dr. Spiegel for a consultation. It has been a week with no response; I will call Monday.
I saw my therapist Thursday and filled her in on the above. I also went to the gym and my trainer works me so hard I threw up in the locker room afterwards ( I made it to the sink). I went to group and it was a really good group with a lot of people coming out to family and work.
I'm glad to hear it's going well - apart from the family and that very rarely goes well. Many places these days are accepting.
Thank you Mary for your support.
Today I was absolutely blown away. I sell things on the internet and purchase them from a distributor. The people I buy from I thought were very bigoted. They are cops, ex-cops, ex-military and all male. Well I was picking up some product today and I said after I tell you this you may not want me here. Then I told them I am trans and in transition and where I will be going with my transition and that I changed my name at work. I came home from work and changed to male grungy clothes to see them. They said you got to be who you are and it does not matter to them. I was blown away. They went further and offered help. Next time I will go there from work :) :)
That's great! You do that - go to them as who you really are.
It's great that they're supportive; more people are than you'd think :)
Mary and Heholetsgo, thank you for your support.
My wife and I scheduled the divorce mediations Friday. I does not seam real. I keep thinking about being alone and I keep thinking about her being alone.
The thought of my wife being alone tore me up. I used to cry about that, almost as much as about everything else combined. That is what love does to you. However, togather or apart, the love will still be there. You need to let it change into support for her and to support for your family. Be there for all of them.
Now, be there for yourself. Its a new life and it's time to start discovering more about the real you. If you can put the hurt aside, there is a whole world out there to experience as the woman you are. Everything is the same, but everything is also different. Time to start that discovery. Step further out of the comfort zone. LIVE
Of all the things I have ever done, discovering the world as Jennifer has been the most difficult, the most fun and the most joyful time of my life. Appreciate it. Live it.
Hugs
Jen
Hi Rachel,
Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself! It's really inspiring to me. I'm pretty new here and just soaking in as much info as I can. I'm 36, feel very feminine inside and (I think) strongly believe I'm a woman and should live as such, but still in the "I feel this way so much of the time it's overwhelming, but still have days of serious doubt enough to keep me from moving forward" phase. 100% of the reason for this is my relationship with my wife, and my inability to communicate this to her. If you don't mind me asking, how did it feel emotionally when you finally decided that you had to move forward despite how your wife felt and then after you told her?
I told my gender therapist at the end of the session (my first) that this would be a no brainer and I would be experimenting living my life as a female if I were single, so we'll be talking about that next time. My biggest problem is the fact that 6 months ago she caught me with pics of myself/porn etc on my computer, plus found out that I had (stupidly) joined an online hookup site so I could maybe meet other trans women to talk to (before I knew this much about myself, and could've joined a site like this instead). She didn't believe me and was convinced I cheated on her. When this happened I freaked, denied everything (she made it clear that she'd be very disturbed and unhappy if I was one of "those transsexuals") claiming it was b/c of porn addiction, and began us "moving forward" away from this where she wants me to keep promising "that's not who I am". If I knew then what I've learned about myself in the last 6 months, I'd have just told her and moved on while it was fresh and out there. But now we're "more committed" than ever, while ironically I'm more sure than ever that this is who I am and what I want.
But again, sincerely, thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing with everyone. I hope I can be that strong hen the time comes. If I could ever be of any help, please feel free to message me.
Hugs,
Ashley
Hi Jen, thank you. I know exactly what you mean about my wife and I need to be myself for me.
Ashley, thank you for your support. I tried to kill myself 12/2012 which lead me to get help and start transition. I tried to kill myself in 6/2015 because I was twisting about going forward and losing my family. I felt awful with no way out. I found a way. I got depression medication and I knew I could help my family if I was alive so I chose to fully transition.
After I told her I was going to come out at work and fully transition she was upset. I was in the city in a locker room after working out, it was 11/12/15. She called me and asked me if I was going to come out at work and change my name at work I said yes. She was very upset. I knew when I said yes it was over. I skipped group and went home. She said she would call a divorce service in the morning and she did.
I came out to my wife 2/15/2013. She thought I was going to leave her for a guy. She was very upset for weeks. It turns out the she wants to leave me. The last 3 years have been very difficult.
New Years day 2015 my wife read all my posts on Susan's. I had lied about my past to her and more importantly I have coping mechanisms and one of which is to envision I am with a guy when we use to have sex. On New Years day my wife said we will never have sex again. I had lied and hidden who I am. If I could go back in time I would have told her about myself before we had sex July 15, 1991. I most likely would have died from alcohol and drugs.
Last summer the marriage counselor said we should divorce after talking to us for 30 minutes. We were destroyed. We went back the next week to hear the same thing and again it was extremely upsetting.
November 12, 2015 my wife asked me if I was going to use my preferred name at work and come out and express at work. I said yes. She was very upset and said she would call a divorce lawyer. She called a divorce lawyer the next day and we are in the process of divorce. We love each other very much yet we want very different things in life. It took me a while to realize she just can not be with someone like me.
I changed my work ID and came out fully at work 11/13/2015 and started expressing 11/24/2015.
My therapist said I fully qualify as of 11/13/2015. I scheduled and put a deposit for GCS for 11/15/2016. I scheduled 3 of 6 clearings with a local and scheduled a consultation with Dr. Spiegel for 2/3/2016. I expect to be divorced the end of May ( my HRT start is 5/28 and birthday 5/31) I just hope the signing is not on those 2 days.
Since I came out and started expressing I have only seriously thought of suicide 2 or 3 times and none of which was a spontaneous attempt.
I was getting meds at Mazzoni's Walgreens Wednesday. I parked in one of Jefferson Hospital's High rise parking lots. After picking up meds I went into Jeff's Lobby and was going to pay for the parking. I saw an owner of an Engineering company I had known for 28 years. He was with a manager of Jeff's Facilities Department. I know a bunch of Management at Jeff. I called out to the two in the lobby next to a waiting area with a dozen or so customers waiting for service. The owner stopped and looked at me. Then looked again and then he recognized me. He said what is new and I showed him my ID and said I changed my name. Then we talked about what all is happening with my transition and where it is going. Both were very supportive and asked a lot of questions. Jeff is in the heart of the gayborhood. The people in the waiting area were listening and we had a conversation about my transition like we were discussing the weather. The feeling of being free and not hiding was so incredibly.
2016 will see a lot of change. I told my therapist in November. I can kill myself or I can fully transition and help support my wife (or ex-wife) and child. I realized I had a choice after I did something really stupid July of 2015. I realized I either would attempt again or I would fully transition. My attempts were because I had to make a choice which was really difficult but I had to make the choice.
I realized we all are constantly changing but the changes are slow and we do not realize the change. Then we notice the change like it all happened at once. Change is change and how we internalize the change is a feeling of good, bad or indifference. Reality is, there is a change. Feelings are not real, they are emotions. We make our feelings seam real to us and we react to our feelings and not the reality. We do not have to react to out feelings and if we can look at our feelings from a distance we can realize the feeling is not real and let it pass without reaction.
Happy New year,
Rachel
Hugs for (((((((Rachel)))))))
When you know you are a woman there is only one way forward. A marriage is very unlikely to survive the truth but you do have support and friends.
Thank you Mary; I am beginning to accept the divorce. I realize my wife will never accept me and my transition causes her mental strain. It is best we go on in the future as friends.
Yesterday I saw my therapist, 1st times in 3 weeks. I went over a lot of things. My name change decree is being made, 3 clearings scheduled, flight to Dr. Spiegel and appointment secured and GCS scheduled and down payment paid. Also, work has been really good and I think I am accepted very well.
My trainer is tough but during a few minutes at the end of my workout she shared with me how she is marginalized by some other woman due to her hair, piercing and clothing. We chatted about how people can be insensitive. Then I shared what happened the last time I was with a guy. We shared and connected.
In group the Director for LGBT and head if the board for prisons for Philadelphia came to group. It was an awesome group.
I went to my therapist yesterday and we discusses a few things. I am having my first electrolysis clearing done next Wednesday and a consult with Dr. Spiegel the following Wednesday. I plan to have a BA with the GCS. Also, I received my decree paperwork from Mazzoni ( I love Mazzoni). I have some apprehension. Not about GCS but about the other procedures. My therapist asked how I feel about the procedures. I feel scared I will look bad or being away from work so much time will have a negative impact.
When I look down I see my breasts. They are size A. If I grew to a B in two months then a C then a D that would be wonderful but to go from an A to a D overnight feels awkward. Same with face and voice. I can handle the change and I want the change but anticipating how people I know will react is unknown and feels uneasy and a bit scary. Second guessing years of dreaming about something and now it can happen and relatively soon.
I need to focus on divorce documents this weekend then the name decree. Wednesday I have a clearing and it will be very embarrassing and uneasy.
When Mazzoni sent the decree in the mail it was addressed Ms. Rachel Lynn xxxxxx . At work my e-mail and all correspondence says Rachel xxxxx. Each time I see that it feels good. When I was walking on 12th street after group last night I did not even think twice about expressing. At work expressing is not an issue and it feels good and secure. So far everything I have done feels wonderful so I guess I am overthinking more changes to come.
Hi!
You are progressing, growing. You are becoming you, the woman you were meant to be. And like all growth, there is pain. I wish it was different.
I am so inspired by you and your journey.
More later!
Hugs
Jen
Thank you Jen, that means a lot to me.
I dropped off the papers to the divorce financial mediator today. I still need info from the actuary about my pension. My wife did not do her part in paperwork. She did nothing.
I am feeling down. 1/3 or the way there. I really did not want to get divorced. My wife is my best friend. I guess I will need to make more friends.
Love is messed up, isn't it? We have only a partial choice. We love whom we love.
Don't push for the papers. Let her get them in at her own time. Its one thing to think or even ask for a divorce. Its a whole new reality when one starts one the paperwork.
Hugs
Jen
Hi Jen, thank you. I agree she does not want to do this. In the end I think she will follow through.
I had my first clearing for GCS at the Papillion Center today. Heather administered the local. She looked me over and said I do not have much scrotal tissue to work with. She did not comment about my penis which was hiding. Then she asked if I ever had laser there and I said no. She said I do not have much hair there. The electrolysis took 2.5 of the scheduled 4 hours. Lori was very nice and at the beginning I explained how uncomfortable I was and she put me at ease. You go in and undress then put a paper barrier over you lap and a few minutes Heather comes in and administers the local. There was a few minutes of "discomfort" then I was numb :)
I have 5 more appointments but I think they will eventually be brief appointments.
They are 20% cheaper then the place I go to now for my face including the local and are 2 miles closer.
The staff are very nice. Mondays are very busy with consultations and surgery patient post operation visits. I was there on a Wednesday and I was the only patient there. The place had a totally different feel. It was relaxing.
I can not believe I am doing this. It feels surreal. Now I know I am doing the right thing. Last night I sept very little. I was thinking about how others will see me and think of me. Just nerves last night. I was worrying about will the room be cold, how embarrassing it is, how much will it hurt and will the electrolysis hurt. Everything was fine.
******* Trigger Warning **************
I went to the therapist, trainer and group Thursday.
therapist
I find myself smiling a lot when I discuss my transition and what is next. There was an issue that was something that we discussed that hurt. Last week after group I was walking with two transwoman and one said you can not walk with us. Immediately she said just kidding. My therapist wanted me to bring it up in group. I just could not do that. She then suggested discussing it with the person that said it. Perhaps I will.
Group
Group opened up with a check in. One person shared that a group member died earlier in the day. She turned 28 that day. We went around the room remembering her and sharing about her. It was an emotional and sad group session.
I saw my therapist, trainer and group Thursday.
Therapist
I went over the name change information with her. I called the County office to find out the costs and process. The forms are filled out and ready to go and have been for a month. I discussed with her this is an inflection point. If I do the name then everything else will need to be done (face, hair, voice and BA). There would be no turning back. She asked if I wanted to turn back and I said no. She then said what is it. I am afraid of what others will think. She asked how it is going so far. I said fine, there are no issues ( except divorce). She said then why do you think there will be an issue. I said I do not know. It is a feeling.
group
Two medical doctors joined group this week.
I went for a consultation with Dr. Spiegel Wednesday. Thursday I had a phone therapist meeting, gym and group.
Spiegel Consult
I was impressed with the office ( clean and perfect) and staff (friendly and professional). I got an estimate for FFS.
Therapist
I discussed how I have not had suicidal ideation since going full time and started to put my transition in gear. I expressed how expressing feels good. I enjoy buying cloths and mixing and matching. I thought I would never feel that way. In the Philly and Boston airports there were people the looked and stared and some said something to the person next to them. I really do not care.
Gym
My trainer took it to another level. I almost threw up from the last exercise, lunges with weights. I had to go so far it just took everything out of me.
Group was packed. There were so many people there we could not fit another person.
I am ticked off and this may be a rant.
I asked my insurance company ( Aetna) to pay for the GCS down payment and they responded that payment is only after the pre-approval and after the procedure. I then said I wanted to add to the procedure a BA and do they expect me to pay $35,000 up front? Next I said my 1 year RLE is 11/13/16 and my surgery is 11/15/16. Can I expect to be pre-approved before my surgery (2nd request)?
Next I asked how to start the pre-approval process (2nd time).
Then I asked how I can submit FFS for pre-approval. They do not cover FFS but I want to submit it (2nd request).
I may need to reschedule my surgery date for GCS and I most likely will need to do FFS after GCS.
Anyone who has dealt with Aetna for trans surgeries can you please give me insight from your experience,
thank you,
Rachel
Wow, so much helpful information in this thread. Rachel, you've certainly been through quite a bit in the last few years. It was very courageous of you to share your experience.
Thank you Princessbuttercup.
I have my name change paperwork done, finger prints done and ready to file at the county seat. I am a little reluctant because I will need to stand in front of the court and discuss why I am changing my name. I also have to post it in news papers and then go to three departments in the county seat and have searched done 2 days before the hearing.
Part of me feels reluctant and part of me feels ecstatic. When I do the name change I will need to do have other things done to align myself ASAP. Coming out 100% and expressing and changing my name at work was a step doing this will be a series of steps.
Need Help
I need to fly to Dallas in April and be with 40 to 50 Hospital Directors and VP's form like hospitals from around the country (I will be using my preferred name there) and fly to Florida in mid March. If I file now My court date may be March 1st and my plane tickets and license are in my dead name. What if my name change screws up the plain tickets. Then there is my credit cards and bank account and direct deposit. I do not know how this will work. Anyone that has gone through this please share your experience.
Thanks,
Rachel
That is so much more complicated than our system! I had to fill in a form and have a lawyer witness my signature. I don't know about your system but if the plane tickets and your ID are in the same name it ought to be OK. Can you present male for the flight - to match your ID?
Hi Mary. I will not present male for the flights.
I flew 2 weeks ago without a problem and had on an awesome sweater, purse and tight jeans and female coat. I am obsessing about the possibility of having my name change and having everything else in my dead name. I thought about taking copies of my decree but TSA may have an issue. I am getting psyched about changing my name :). Should I use my dead name ID and all else and just change everything when I get done in March?
I really don't know much about the USA systems, but I would think changing everything as near to the same time as possible would be the best way. I have heard that a lot of people have had problems with TSA.
Hey Girl!!!!
Been there, done all of that.....
Name change: It's a formality. Don't worry. No one reads the notifications anyway. (The judge told me congratulations ans she wished me well.) Get at least 3 certified copies (I got 6) of your court ordered name change. Call the airline as soon as you get the copy of your copy of your name change. Tell them what is up. They have a procedure. They will need a copy. Delta was fine with a FAX. They can help with other travel concerns.
You need a new drivers licence. Talk to the airline first but you will probably not get it in time. Request expedited licence. Tell them why - you are flying for work. MN was OK with it...
Get a hold of Social Security ASAP. They need a copy the name change. You will get a new card.
Call the passport office. Tell then what is up. Request an expedited passport. They will decline. Blame the state and state you need an ID. Show them all that you have done. They yielded for me - four days and I had a new passport. It's a good ID.
Keep a copy of everything with you at all times. Included your letters for HRT, bathroom (if you had one), you surgery letter, every correspondence and every application for a name change. - EVERYTHING!.
I faxed information to all my creditors. I faxed everything to everyone. It's a lot of faxes.... I have a fax number at work for the three credit bureau. I'll send those. You need to contact everyone you have a bank account with and everyone you have a loan with. Basically, every entity you deal with gets a copy of something....
I did the majors and then did one a day for a couple months. Things still pop up. I still keep one cop of everything with me in my computer bag.
Money: If you don't have it, borrow it from your 401K. It that doesn't work, use "Prosper" - on line. Rates are competitive and they don't report to anyone you don't want them to.... might help for some reasons. Helped me.
We have won a few appeals with Aetna for FFS coverage. I need the text from our policy. It will take some time. But we will win.
It is a great feeling..I still look at my drivers licence...
Hugs!!!!!!
Jen
Mary, thank you.
Hi Jen, thank you. I will file at the county seat ASAP.
Dr. McGinn is on maternity leave so I cannot get the last day I can get FFS without causing a difficulty with GCS on 11/15/16 for a little while. Dr. Spiegel is on vacation so I can not find out if he recommends my reduced scope of FFS. I want to hold off on a face life and neck lift and I want to do the Adams apple with voice later. I will send you a copy of the Aetna Trans benefits. My employer has trans benefits in addition to Aetna but not face. I may hold off on FFS till after GCS if I can have insurance cover part of the cost. Dr. Spiegel's office sent me a contact for financing for 5 years. I have a 403B I can borrow from.
Yesterday I went to the therapist, gym and group.
Therapist
I went over my current progress, thinking and plans for surgeries. I plan to submit the name change paperwork no later that 3/18. I will try to do it sooner.
I went over last Friday driving home. I usually do not get into feelings but I did yesterday. I explained that I sometimes I think about losing my marriage, wife and probably my daughter and think is it worth it. I know I cannot go back but sometimes think of the cost. then it turns to me seeing myself at different ages and how I promised myself I would stop the pain. I have the same pain now and I get emotional. I was able to get out of it after my 1.5 hour drive home. The personal cost of transition is regrettable and I must transition.
Gym
My trainer was in a funk. She is very caring and helps one homeless person by the gym. There are so many homeless by the gym and she can not help them all. She feels overwhelmed.
Group
One woman was suicidal and it took the group to our own feelings of suicide. Group was ended early and the last 15 minutes was a grounding exercise. One of the therapists followed the woman to the bathroom and helped her. Both therapist were attending to her after group. She had recently lost her job for being trans and is working with the legal part of the agency to go after the ex-employer. So many of the woman lose their jobs when coming out it is scary.
I missed group this week to cut up my neighbors tree that fell across my driveway, in the dark. We had a bad rain and wind storm.
I missed my therapist this week because she was sick :(
I went to a divorce mediation for financial. I will send a rebuttal. I pay for legal representation through parole deduction and will have them review the proposal when it is in a more completed state. I will also have it reviewed by a LGBT lawyer in the gayborhood. She is reported to be very good.
I proposed a two part FFS to Dr. Spiegel as opposed to his original proposal, he agreed. Now all that is left is to schedule. Dr. McGinn (actually Heather) stated I can have FFS up to 6 weeks before GCS. I am going to line up financing as well as pursue insurance coverage via appeal. I have help from a member of Susan's :) and I am in the process of getting the actual insurance policy document from work.
I have the name change paperwork ready for submission. I may do it next week or the following. I have to fly in March and early April so I think I can submit now and get the hearing after I return in April.
When I submit the name change paperwork then FFS, hair correction and a BA become something I really want to do. GCS is most important for how I feel and is needed yet no one will see my bottom. Things are weird now that my legal name is xxx and I go by Rachel at work and elsewhere. When I write a check or see my bank account it is as if I feel I am going backwards. I just want it to end.
I scheduled FFS for September and I contacted a lawyer to review the divorce binder from the mediator.
When I called Carol from Dr. Spiegel's office I just scheduled the procedure. I usually ruminate on things for a while but this was something that I just did. I wanted to do this for a long time and I just did it.
Rachel sometimes we just need to do things and have to go with how we feel about it. There is nothing wrong with that at all. I have done the same and often I'm not one to jump early on doing something, but tend to drag my feet instead. Hugs
Mariah
Thank you Mariah.
Monday I have my second clearing for GCS at Papillion. After the clearing I am going to file my name change paperwork. The local for the clearing is very painful and takes about a minute or two each side. I am a little scared about filing my name change paperwork and also very excited :) The fear is because when I change my name it is a part of my life change and I never did this before. If what happened so far is an indication of the future then things will be ok. I am excited because I know it is the right thing to do and I have wanted this for a very long time. I feel very proud of myself for doing the clearings and the name change.
My therapist was again recommending I get active in a social life beyond my wife. She suggested I post a meetup and lunch or coffee meeting. I finally admitted to her I am very awkward in one on one new social settings. I have a pretty low self esteem and I am really into science and engineering and not into sports or politics or religion. I usually have very little to say in a new social setting. She suggested I join a hiking club at William Way for LGBT, that was a big hit and I will definitely do that. I can be very social in groups when I get comfortable and I love hiking.
Name change request paperwork filed :) :) after my second GCS clearing. I obsessed about filing my paperwork for months. There was nothing to it and everyone was nice.
When I was done my electrolysis I was told my next session would be reduced in time. It was 1 hour 45 minutes today ( I just don't have much hair there). Heather administered the local and asked if Dr. McGinn told me it will be a one step or two step GSC. I said two step and she said good.
I added BA to my GCS and Dr. McGinn will size me after the next clearing. I finally gave up hope for anything larger than A.
The esthetician gave me a hug when we were done. She is so nice and we talked the whole time again.
My wife and I had our final financial divorce mediation last night. She will file divorce suit paperwork this week. The agreement is getting close and I suspect we will come to an agreement soon.
I asked the mediator what will happen if I change my name in the middle of the divorce? She said they would amend the paperwork. My wife asked if I was changing my name and I said yes. She had some comments about liar and always hiding things from her.
In PA the alimony rules account for pre-existing conditions. I itemized procedures and my cost and requested that be considered and offset some alimony. I elaborated that three licensed social workers and a doctor has confirmed my need. My wife said I agreed not to do the procedures. I said that was to remained married and you are divorcing me. She then said these procedures are not planned. I then pointed to three and gave the date the procedures will be done. she was very upset and said some things. I did not respond.
My wife asked why I did not tell her all this. I did not answer. I had reviewed this with my therapist. She asked what would happen. I said she would get very upset and say a bunch of stuff. She said what is to gain and I said nothing is to gain. She recommended that I would be divorced by the time the procedures are done and I do not owe her and explanation. I did not expect this to happen.
I feel very bad for my wife. I love her and she is my best friend. All things change and placing value in the permanence of our relationship has caused pain with both of us. Our relationship will change. I intend to remain friends and help her every way I can. She may not want me or my help in her new life.
I went to my therapist, gym and group Thursday.
At the therapist I went over things that are on my plate:
Divorce
Name change paperwork filed
FFS scheduled
GCS scheduled
BA scheduled
Divorce is something I am starting to accept as inevitable and perhaps best for my wife. I use to dwell on filing for my name change until I did it and now I am anxious to get it done. I love my name and it feels good when people call me Rachel.
FFS, I will be alone. I do not know what I will look like. I do not like pain and I am apprehensive about pain meds. Do I explore Boston with bandages covering my face? 7 days in a hotel room will be an eternity. What will people think?
BA, I have so many questions. full or teardrop. Silicone or saline. C or D. Most important, what will people think?
GCS, how much pain? Depth? infection? Look?
Then there is an issue of raising the funds by selling a lot of my collections of stuff. Selling the stuff is not an issue. the issue is will I raise enough funds. I need to pay for FFS, BA and GCS up front and virtually at the same time.
I sometimes think this is too much at once but then I think I need to do a consult for hair. Voice and Adam's apple I pretty much have narrowed it to two people.
I though back and 5 or so months ago I was thinking about depression and keeping alive. That seams so long ago. Ever since coming out fully and expressing I have not been depressed any where as much as in the past and suicide is only a passing thought on very infrequent occasions. I know I am on the right path.
I feel you on the Adam's Apple issue. I had an amazing dream last night where I was surgically getting it shaved and really I was excited. Then I woke up and am like blah, I want to get it done, but feel it's too soon to ask my therapist and endocrinologist about it. It is as though reality is the nightmare, and I just want to wake up! Each day at a time the dreams become true. There is hope. <3
Hi Amy and welcome to Susan's.
It would be a good topic to discuss with your therapist. Share with them who you are, your hopes and needs.
Best, Rachel
I went to my therapist, gym and group Thursday.
Therapist
I brought her up to speed on the current divorce mediation proceedings.
Next she asked about how I will handle medications for pain from FFS. I explained I will have a nurse stop by daily and give me a days worth of meds. She said I may remember the old feelings. I said I will absolutely remember. She then went into meds that deactivate when crushed and a med that can be injected that will block alcohol and narcotics. I plan on bringing Motrin and switching asap and flushing the narcotics when I can. I have a second chance at life and I will make the most of it. I am not into being numb anymore.
She said she has my letter for GCS and I will get it next time. This is my second letter :)
I received a letter from the courthouse (looked at Saturdays mail today) with a June 3 hearing for my name change. :) :) :)
I have the two newspaper publications scheduled for my name change advertisement. I am getting excited.
I had a phone therapy session Friday, we discussed:
Monday was really a bad day. At lunch someone said something and it hurt. As the day progressed it got worse and worse. Driving home was rough. When I got home I contemplated doing something stupid. I went to bed and the next day felt better and by lunch was back 100%. I told my therapist I will be getting rid of a few things that are a much higher risk for me than protection.
I went over my name change and how I am feeling about it. I am 95% excited and 5% scared. She said that most likely the event will be anticlimactic and I may feel a let down because it is not a big deal for them and they do it routinely.
I discussed that my wife is filling out the paperwork to sue me for divorce. I have very mixed feelings about this. I feel depressed because we do so much together and she is my best friend and I feel a bit relieved. She says stuff to hurt me all the time. I know I hid that I am trans from her but it is getting old.
I discussed the things involved with FFS and she gave me a few great options to find more affordable housing when in Boston. I am getting excited for this too. I really want to see what I will look like after the operation.
My wife just served me with divorce notice.
So many emotions.
I thought of things in a permanent way. So when something changed such as death, people moving away and now divorce that it hurt. I need to keep thinking it will be alright just different. I get to craft the different future.
Hi Rachel!!
I've been out for a little while. First, because I just sometimes question myself, "Was this the right thing to do?". Then, I went on a two week vacation. Which meant I was behind at work. (OK, REALLY behind!). Just getting caught up now.
Was this the right thing? I mean, I tore a tornado path through my life. Nothing is the same but nothing is really different. I didn't change the world, just one teeny tiny piece - me. It has been a rough road and it still is. The world is still out there and big parts of it are less than nice. However, a quick share.....
I was in a terrible car accident in 1991. Seven months of physical therapy, nine months unable to work. I still have neck problems. If I twist just so, it pops and I get an instant headache. I've been going to the same chiropractor for 19 years. He twists things and it goes back into place. But he and his staff have known me for a long time. To a person, they were a little weirded out about my transition. It's been 22 months since the world met Jennifer. Last week, when I went in, everyone came out to see me again. We talked about vacation, we talked about my bogey boarding, my diving as a woman for the first time, and all about that. We were all laughing, smiling and they were all just happy - 3 Chiropractor, three nurses, two office folks and some patients who were listening in on the conversation. When we stopped and I was filling out some additional paperwork, one of the nurses stayed and was smiling. She said "you have changed so much." I denied that. She said "You have an inner peace and an inner joy that just overflows." I thought about that and said I hadn't changed much. She said "Oh yes you have. You're nice now."
My hope is that you will experience that inner settling that lets life overflow. I am whole. There are still problems (I was sleeping on the couch last night.) But, they can be handled.
Hows the insurance thing coming? Another girl here on Susan's just got FFS approval and her insurance company is the same as yours....
Hugs,
Jen
I really support Jennifer's message. I lost my marriage - yours is gone too Rachel - my church and all my friends. I've found a very supportive church and more reliable friends and I have a new home. More important I have that inner peace and joy too, and yes I'm a much nicer person now.
Hi Jen,
I am glad you were able to get away for a while.
I will send you what my HR sent me as far a policy. I do not know if it is any help. I appreciate you looking at it. I have FFS 9/15/16.
Thank you for sharing the chiropractor story :) that helps.
______________________________________________
Hi Mary,
Thank you for sharing your loss and inner peace :) that helps.
______________________________________________
I have shed a lot of tears over the past three years. A lot of those tears were about how what I am and how I hid who I am impacted and impacts others. What is done is done and I can not change my past or my past decisions. I feel a great loss and at the same time a feeling of finally being able to be myself.
I went to my therapist Thursday and she forgot the GCS letter. She e-mailed it to me today and I sent it to Papillion. I will be there Monday for a clearing and I will see it the two letters supplied a satisfactory. Next Is getting pre-approval for the BA and GCS. :)
I just got back from New Hope and Papillion. I had my 3rd of six genital clearings. I am 50% done and will be so happy when that is behind me.
I was sized for a BA. Dr. McGinn recommended a 550 cm silicone implant above the muscle. Also I would need a second operation to move the breasts upward at a later date. My chest is such that my breasts point outward. My breast bone goes outward so I ill only have cleavage with a bra on.
I got my ears and navel pierced at Warrior in New Hope, good experience. The piercer was saying something and said, "when other girls come in....". it was nice to be gendered correctly. I love New Hope.
Hi͵ Rachel!!!
I think that you are really strong :)
I read your story and it's really emotive and inspired
So, keep doing your best, you are amazing
Bye
Thank you Ely-Chan.
I went to Papillion Monday. I consulted with Dr. McGinn about breast augmentation. I will have this with GCS in November. She will install silicone or saline filled inserts. She provided a pamphlet with information about silicone filled inserts. She said they feel the best. She also went over the risks of both types. I can not have inserts under the muscle and I will need another operation later because of how I am physically.
So, any advise about a BA? Would you get a BA? Would you get silicone? Would you get saline?
It is an individual choice but I have stayed with external enhancement. I'm naturally 38 A and wearing 38 B which looks right for my chest. (That's UK - may be 38 AA to 38 A USA sizes).
Hi,
Silicone breast implants are fine for over the muscle. They look the best and feel more natural (wink). After about ten years, get them checked for problems. They should be fine. If not, replace, they will be under warrenty. The new ones are better than they were a number of years ago. Should be great.
For under muscle, where risk of accidental rupture is higher (still ulikely), water is fine and safer.
I went with under muscle saline. 650 mL. I ended up being a DDD or F. However, at 6'1", they are in proportion.
Hugs
Jen
Rachel,
I have not been on Susan's much but wanted to say Hi!!
Love you and wish you the best.. you helped me so much through my transition.. Your ability to handle things in life as they came up helped me to do better in my life.
So I am thankful girl.
Love
Keri
Hi Mary, thank you for the response. I am a 40 A (39 inches below breasts) so we are close in size. I agree a very personal decision. I belong to a LGBT gym and they have a pool and I love going to the beach and I really want to fit in. Also, I want to use the woman's locker room at the gym instead of private locker room.
Hi Jen, thank you for the response, I think I am leaning closer to the silicone. My breast are located below the muscle on my torso. So operation one is the implants and operation two is lifting the breasts. Dr. McGinn recommended 550 cc silicone implants. The first question she asked was how big do you want to be? I said I do not want to be too big and want to fit in. I then said full C. I am 6'2" now. She took a bunch of measurements and accounted for my existing breast tissue. I asked her what she thought was best and she made the recommendation.
I thought she was very nice during the consult. To the point but very nice.
Hi Keri, Thank you for the response. I am here every day but with work I only have 30 minutes of so during weekdays. You are an absolute inspiration. I think I understand now how you (and other woman) felt when you had to change quickly after you crossed the Rubicon.
I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to see a lawyer to represent me in the divorce agreement. The mediator dismissed my cost to transition as a consideration in alimony (reduction). How can she dismiss the costs of a medical condition and a preexisting condition which are both in the PA alimony code. She also put things in the draft agreement that favors my wife after my wife and I agreed to something else while in her presence.
Went to the dentist yesterday. I told the hygienist about my transition and upcoming procedures. She was super supportive and told the Dentist. He is friends with someone who transitioned and was super supportive. I am getting trays made for whitening my teeth. He said after FFS we need to review veneers. I have known them for 23 years.
I lost it at the lunch table today. We were eating and having small talk. I made a comment that I need to get a new bathing suit for this summer. One guy made a comment about another guy and how hairy he is and that image is now stuck in his mind. We all laughed. I then said I spoke to my therapist and I need to buy, then tears flowed down my face. There were a lot of tears. I was so embarrassed. I left the lunch room.
I went from happy and laughing to crying. Since then a lot of bad feelings and old wounds have come up. I do not know what happened. I am going to bed hoping tomorrow is a better day.
I filed for FMLA Friday for my FFS, BA and GCS. The people who manage our FMLA were super supportive and helpful.
I sent to Dr. Mcginn's office, my therapist and electrolysis place non-system provider forms. I need to get Dr. Spiegel a form as well, for future procedures because FFS is not covered. This will allow me to have a cap on my annual costs to $2,500. I need to start work on scheduling voice, Adams apple and hair procedures. My goal will be to get as many procedures done next benefit year (7/1/16 to 6/3/17).
My name change hearing is June 3 :) I am getting excited.
I also saw a HR manager in the Atrium at work Friday. She is so supportive.
I have #4 clearing appointment May 20 and I am not looking forward to it. It is really getting old.
I went to the therapist Thursday. She gave me 2 things to do in the upcoming week. I had mentioned I will need makeup for after FFS and mentioned Sephora (17 and Chestnut). Next I mentioned that a lot of woman at work offered to help with cloths, shoes and jewelry. So my homework this week was to accept help and go to Sephora's. Friday I had an offer for help. She lives close to Sephora's so I will be goin there this week.
I went to the therapist and this is what we spoke about:
I went to Sephora's and they recommended a 1 hour makeup session. I am scheduled for Tuesday :) I was nervous going into the store but they were nice. I explained I am trans and wanted concealer for future ffs scares and for general use.
Next, I went over all the things going on with my transition, which is a lot, and what I am doing to get things done and not pile up. Lastly, I went over the status of the divorce.
Today
I went to Papillion for my #4 genital clearing. Chrystal administered the local, she is nice. 5 minutes of intense pain then I was completely numb. The clearing only took 45. I have two more clearings to go :) I dropped off 3 of the 5 documents needed for my BA and GCS. I need to get them the silicone breast implant acknowledgement and book the room in New Hope.
I called Dr. Spiegel's office and paid off his cost for FFS. The Anesthesiologist and hospital get pain next. I need to book the room and flights.
Next I saw the lawyer. She had my response to the draft agreement documented. I need to send that to the mediator and my wife via e-mail. After we are done with the settlement agreement I will need to have a lot of things changed on the suite paperwork my wife followed. I was never properly served and the alimony and settlement was never checked off on the document. Also, there was a lot of incorrect legal terms and language the needs to be corrected.
I am feeling really good about my transition, not just happy or excited but positive as in I am doing the right thing for myself. I am becoming myself.
Busy Friday,
Rachel
I went to Sephora's Tuesday and had a makeup consult. I look trans and have a girl's name and express. So I just explained when I made the appointment I am trans and need makeup for when I get feminine facial surgery and for general use. Well I walked in Tuesday and had my appointment and the people there were really nice. The makeup artist had a trans friend and she was so supportive. She has green hair and a lot of tats and piercings so I felt comfortable. We are 3 blocks from the gayborhood. Purchase a bunch of stuff.
Discussed with my wife the divorce settlement changes My lawyer and I drafted. She agreed with all but two. So we will need to discuss that in the future. All the changes except 3 were legal language clarifications. Things got emotional and she said some things that really hurt. I went to my bedroom but got out of my dark place within 30 minute; I was really happy with that. I actually told myself I do not want to do this and I want to experience life as me. Then I walked the dog and felt pretty good.
Saw my therapist today and brought her up to speed with everything going on. She asked a few questions about the 30 minutes and what I had thought. I told her and she asked how far it went and I told her. I told her at no time did I lose control and I did not get to a dangerous point.
I walked in from work today and I was wearing a new pair of cream color flats from Nostrum Rack. My wife said they look like old lady shoes. I had help from two 20 something woman at work and I had received a lot of compliments at work. I am starting to believe my wife will never accept me and parting would be best for us.
Three years on HRT today.
I have 3.5 months till FFS and am getting very excited; 5.5 months till BA and GCS and that seams a long way away.
I guess I should sign the divorce settlement agreement but not this weekend. My birthday is May 31 and I just want this weekend to be a less stress weekend.
I went to the court house 48 hours before my name change hearing as the instructions said. Both departments said to return on Friday before the hearing for the paperwork. So I took off from work because their process is incorrect or never changed on the forms. The people in the departments were very nice and it is a beautiful day. So all-in-all it turned out fine.
I went over the divorce agreement last night with my wife and we are in agreement. I explained when she gave me the paperwork she did not provide service, check off alimony or check off marital asset distribution agreement nor was a distribution attached. Next I said my name is changing Friday and all this can be corrected by sending them an amended form that we both sign and provide the needed information.
I am 95% sure I will restore the original scope of work for the FFS with Dr. Spiegel on 9/15. I have been doing a lot of reading on Susan's of past FFS experiences and will need to raise more money. I think the doctor was spot on and I was shocked by the price. This is a way to unclutter my life and simplify by selling a lot of stuff :)
I am legally Rachel today :)
There were three trans in the courtroom changing their names today :)
Oh my, 3 in one day
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on June 03, 2016, 01:11:59 PM
I am legally Rachel today :)
Congratulations!! This is, to me, one of the best threads on susans.
MM, Jen and Fresas con Mata, thank you very much for your support.
So at work they had changed my name on some things last November when I came out. But Friday they changed everything including my gender. My e-mail comes up at work as Rachel L xxxxxxx :) . It was an awesome feeling when HR called today and verified everything was done. My boss has of yet e-mailed congratulation. HR did not inform him they changed my gender; they sent that e-mail separately. They know there are issues and he is not accepting by his past actions.
Sunday I went to have 2 hours of electrolysis as I do each week. When I left I sat in the car a while. They have been working on my chin for a long time. There is still hair there, much less but some hairs still there. I have been doing my chin forever and I got a little upset. I also injected Saturday night so perhaps the E was influencing my feelings and emotions.
No group or therapist this week. We are going to the PTHC. Our group ( I will be participating)has a workshop on Saturday at 1:00. :)
I am starting to get very excited for FFS. It is on 9/15/16. I am so ready and want this done yesterday. Coming to terms with myself has been the best thing I have done.
Final meeting with the divorce mediator 6/14 to finalize the agreement and alimony. My wife really wants to move forward.
I went to the Philly Trans Health Conference Thursday-Saturday. I worked the kids camp each of the three days for 3 hours each day. We had 25 or so trans kids 5-12. I am so glad those parents are taking care of their children. Our group presented a workshop and I was one of the presenters. I think it went very well.
I am working on the license, gender marker, registration and title for the DMV with my name :)
Divorce agreement day is tomorrow.
I have my 5th genital hair clearing Friday. I need a new set of earrings so I will stop into Warrior on my way home.
I e-mailed Carol at doctor Spiegel's office and later we spoke. I am adding a face lift and lower eye life to my FFS. So I guess I am going to be selling more stuff :)
Best of luck tomorrow.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on January 11, 2013, 10:02:26 PM
I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.
One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).
What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.
In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.
I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?
I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.
My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).
I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.
I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.
I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.
I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.
I have been where you are. It is a difficult place. I was having that same battle at the first of the year. After nearly having a nervous breakdown, I told my wife first. Then a week or so, my daughters were told. Later that month I informed my family. My wife had to adjust to the bonb shell as well as my daughters. They are slowly accepting me. But sadly, my family chose to quit speaking to me about 5 months ago. I still hold out hope that they will accept me. Through all that stress and trauma, I felt as if a great weight was lifted from me. You have to decide if you have had enough to take that risk, knowing what might happen, for me, it was worth it. This year has been the best since I was very little. It also helps tremendously to talk to a therapist who specializes with gender dysphoria. Sorry so long, hope it helps.
Jo
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on June 13, 2016, 08:01:30 PM
I went to the Philly Trans Health Conference Thursday-Saturday. I worked the kids camp each of the three days for 3 hours each day. We had 25 or so trans kids 5-12. I am so glad those parents are taking care of their children. Our group presented a workshop and I was one of the presenters. I think it went very well.
I am working on the license, gender marker, registration and title for the DMV with my name :)
Divorce agreement day is tomorrow.
I have my 5th genital hair clearing Friday. I need a new set of earrings so I will stop into Warrior on my way home.
I e-mailed Carol at doctor Spiegel's office and later we spoke. I am adding a face lift and lower eye life to my FFS. So I guess I am going to be selling more stuff :)
It's amazing how much stuff becomes unimportant when we become ourselves. As an encouragement...many of the greatest experiences of my life have happened post transition. Its all about being ourselves.
Hugs
Jen
Anxietydisorder3rd and Ibaoddone, thank you.
Jen, that helped a lot. FFS will cost $45,000. I chose 2 days in the hospital. Considering the tax reduction and all the surgeries that will be covered by insurance; I am fortunate.
I have some woman friends at work and they helped me order some cloths and shoes They are awesome. I had an offer Sunday to go shopping and I have a personal shopping invite from a thrift shop owner ( Philly Aids Thrift and I know a transwoman there too that wants to help).
Tonight my wife and I agreed on the divorce settlement. It went really good. The lawsuit will be reactivated and my new name will be on it :) It is time to move on. I hope to remain friends with my wife.
I got some very nice feminine tops for work. Presently I am wearing button down female tops. I took a lot of constructive criticism from a transman Saturday and Sunday. He is right and I need to have more feminine tops. Well, Thursday I will wear a really nice outfit to work and then later in the gayborhood and to my therapists and gym. I am pretty excited :)
I have a new drivers license today with my name and gender on it :). Next I went to the bank and started the name change process. My wife needs to stop in the bank and take her name off my account. Then I can stop back in and complete the process.
I sent a copy of my new drivers license to Dr. Spiegel's office to update my chart :)
My wife and I will sign the divorce agreement and get it notarized then restart the divorce suite tomorrow. I really do not want to get divorced but I understand my wife's needs and it is best for her.
I did an interview for work for LGBT month. It was posted throughout the enterprise. It was personal and I am so glad I did it. I have received a lot of e-mails and support and a bunch of hugs. The diversity department has gotten a lot of positive feedback. Where I work is 95% female and we hold most of the management positions. We have 14,000 employees.
At group we discussed how we felt about the Orlando shootings. We all expressed similar sadness and had similar thoughts and fears. That Sunday was the Philly Pride parade and we had the shooting on out minds and Penn's landing afterwards. There must have been more than 10,000 queer people there. I am glad the event was not cancelled, it helped to be with our queer family.
I have an issue.
My GCS is scheduled for 11/15/16. The person that was going to be with me just got 12weeks off (with pay). When she goes back to work she may be severanced and have almost a years salary and would be able to be with me. If she is reassigned (most likely) she will not be able to be with me.
I need a plan A and B and have the other resource as a plan C. Any suggestions would be helpful. I am going to McGinn 40 minutes from my home.
Until today all my cloths were purchased on-line. I went to Macie's a few months ago for a bra fitting and survived :) Today I went into Buffalo Exchange at 19th and Chestnut (Philadelphia PA) on the way home and went to purchase a few blouses and a pair of shorts. The internet connection was down so I will go back tomorrow to actually purchase (they put them aside) and I will shop a bit more too. They were really nice and I felt comfortable :)
I had gone there 3 years ago and walked out in a panic. Today I actually had fun shopping :) :) and can not wait to go back tomorrow.
I was in an elevator today with my boss. I recently (few weeks ago) started to wear sleeveless blouses with cardigans (out of the office) and ditched my button up blouses for now. He asked how things were going with the clothing change and has anyone said anything. I said, I had just positive responses.
I know I am in the process of divorce but Wednesday and today are good examples of how soon some toxic people in my life will be at arms length or further.
Thursday I was countersigning my daughters student loan. The loan is electronic. I signed and then my daughter. After, she got up and said Rachel, I do not know a Rachel. My wife said there are only 2 girls in this house her and my daughter then said there is not a third woman and not a Jewish woman (my wife equates Rachel with Jewish).
I did not respond and thought how in 60 to 90 days we will be divorced.
Today I came home and my wife said it is not Halloween when I walked in the door. Then she said I am not a woman. I really looked good in a purple sleeveless top with black pants and black flats. I had my white cardigan over my arm. It was the way she said it and how much hate she had in her voice that hurt. Again 60 to 90 days. I had gotten a lot of complements today on my outfit so I thought about them instead of the hate.
Hi,
I know that pain. Toxic people in one's life is not good. It wears one down. But the anger is her problem.
You are doing wonderful, focusing on the positive, storing up complements. You'll be fine.
Hugs,
Jen
Thank you Jen, that helps.
Last night I signed the divorce service document and started the 90 day divorce clock. My wife was eager to get it done which hurt.
Tomorrow we have an all day leadership retreat. There will be 300 to 400 in attendance. Time for them to walk the talk as their were no all gender bathrooms at the inn at Penn last I was there. I will not use the men's room :)
I never lived on my own. In 90 days I will be alone. I am going to add a spinning and yoga class and a social trans group to my weekly routine. I think I will add a shopping event weekly at some thrifts and factory stores in Philly.
Hey!
Hugs......
I lived alone for almost 20 years. It's not all bad. Plan activities. Plan down time. Use a DVR to record shows you like. Plan time to be with friends. Have a friend or two that will come over when you need and be there for them as well. Plan time to try new things (that's fun).
Advantage: You do what you want when you want. And no one ever is toxic.
Call if you need.
Hugs
Jen
Hi Jen, thank you so much for your help.
Today my wife took her name off the joint account and I had to go and sign. When I arrived I was told that because we have a mortgage together I can not have only my name in the account. I explained the mortgage department directed me to 1st have her remove her name then change my name on the account then when the agreement is notarized then remortgage the house and they would provide her a check for half the equity. The title would be in my new name :) However, when I arrived they did not give me the same process and said to come back Monday when the mortgage department is open. I went home and my wife and I went to Costco ( she for cookies and I for fruit). When I got home there was a message apologizing for how things went at the bank and to come back in and everything would be taken care of. I will stop back Monday. They were really nice, especially when I brought up the name change.
Today I completed my 6th and final genital clearing :) :) . I am so happy to be done. I scheduled my BA/GCS pre-op appointment to sign all the paperwork the day before GCS.
At group there were two friends there that moved away last year. I was so happy to see them. One of our group facilitators is leaving Mazzoni the 1st week of August. I will really miss her.
I have been to the bank 3 times in pursuit to change my name on the joint account. We tried to remove my wife's name then I would change my name on the account. It turns out I will need to be on the account until the divorce is final and I am the only person on the deed and loan. Funny thing though, when you log into the machine to see an associate they get a picture of me on their screen. Then they come out and greet you. When the associate came out last time she used my new name and said I do not look anything like my picture on file.
When I was at group there were two woman that are friends I had not seen for a year. They moved to up state Pennsylvania where one of them grew up (the other was West Virginia). They explained how things were going there. It was very stressful and sad.
When my two friends were talking in group I was stressed and noticed I had my finger from my left hand in front of my face stimming. I do not know how long I was doing it but I sat on my hands when I realized it. it is so embarrassing. I hate crowds, stress and noisy environments. When at a noisy crowded restaurant my wife will yell at me for stimming. So when things get too much I zone out, no matter how much I try to be present. If you see someone doing this do not put them down or think poorly of them they are just trying to cope in a way that is different than how you cope. Don't make them feel ashamed it will stay with them for life and they cannot help it.
It's not for life; when you get away from that toxic influence you will gradually forget that you're supposed to be ashamed of stimming.
I talk to myself ... I think it's my form of stimming. It's not hurting anybody, so why should I be ashamed of that?
Thank you AnxietyDisoder3r.
The divorce should be final around September 5th. It is a ways off but getting closer. Even though I take a lot of crap I feel a big loss coming. I know I will have freedom but it has a cost.
I may have a person that will be with me for GCS and perhaps FFS. She is awesome and I hope that works out. :)
FFS is 56 days away. Wow, time is fling by. I really wonder what I will look like and how I will handle the pain.
Tuesday night I had a really bad time for an hour. I was thinking what it will be like alone. Alone for my birthday and holidays. I got out of it but it was intense.
I hurt myself during training last night. The room I was in at the gym was very hot. My trainer as pushing me hard and toward the end of the session I had to sit down to keep the contents of my tummy down. During that time she was talking at me about weight and diet and being too winded. She kept it up so instead of having an endorphin high I was pretty down. Since the training I have had a head ache and it is not going away. Off to bed with the hopes of feeling better tomorrow.
Dear Rachel,
Hope you feel better today. I was thinking about your upcoming social change. I kind of see it as a new chapter of life for you. No one stays in the same situation their whole life. If they did, it would be more sad than anything. I hope you keep in mind that you are making a big change, yes, but the next chapter of your life will not stay the way it starts. Of course you will be sad from loss. It is okay. It is okay to mourn the passing of that part of your life. Things will get better. You will find new routines, new people in your life. You will establish a new reality for your life given some time. The best you can do, I think, is allow yourself to be sad, but never give in to a general feeling of negativity.
I know you can't wait for your surgery to get here. For me, time went by so slowly beforehand. Now I am finding the recovery time goes by just as slow. lol Of course, I had my complications which hopefully you will not experience. Just thought I would let you know I am thinking of you. Hope my comment above doesn't sound preachy. It is just my thoughts on trying to look at the big picture.
Moni
Thank you Moni, that helped a lot and it was not preaching.
I am feeling a lot better today. I really pushed it Thursday night. I need to talk to my trainer and give her some feedback about what happened. She had said she was going to have a talk with my doctor and let I'm know I was winded. Which I need to explain the consequences if she does. I see him 8/15 to do my FFS, BA and GCS paperwork and I really do not want this to get screwed up. The gayborhood is a small community in a big town and a lot of people know each other. It does not help that my doctor trained with my trainer.
The routine she had me doing was rowing then squats then pushups then luges then a stomach exercise then over again and again in a circuit. She had me doing the exercises perfectly executed and at her rhythm. The room has no AC is located on the 4th floor of the gym with the sun beating on it. It had to be 100 degrees. I did this for 45 minutes with a minute between exercises. I thought I was doing fantastic but she had other advise.
I would have a serious talk with your trainer and possible consider another one. Living in Phoenix makes one very aware of the dangers of heat because we live and work in those temperatures 4-5 months out of the year. It sounds like you were pushed to the point of heat stroke (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heat-stroke/basics/symptoms/con-20032814) and it can be very dangerous. We avoid it by drinking huge quantities of water and by pacing ourself so we don't overheat. We also take breaks the moment we start feeling off. You should call off the workout or do it at a time of day when the temperature isn't so high.
Hi Dena, thank you. I plan on having a discussion with my trainer Thursday. I need to set boundaries and I will let her know the gym room we trained in was way too hot and the tempo was too fast.
I ordered meds last night for a 3 P.M. pickup today. I ordered 6 refills. Two were needles and syringes. I got a call my scripts were delayed today. This is usual because of the needles and syringes they get conformation from my doctor. So tomorrow I will get the call to pick up the scripts at 3 PM. So far so good. I saw a Pride message at work that WBC will be picketing in front of Mazzoni tomorrow ( I get my prescriptions from the Mazzoni pharmacy. So I will be there tomorrow). The gayborhood is organizing a human shield to allow the trans (mostly) and LGB access to Mazzoni. Tomorrow will be interesting. It is very cool to have a community :)
McGinn and Bowers are helping fund the WBC anti-campaign. Again, way cool :)
51 days until FFS with Dr. Spiegel. The surgery is paid for; I used a new credit card with 0% interest for 18 months to pay for 45% of the costs. :) .
I have a formal event to attend for work about a month after FFS. The COO wore a pants suit ( only one) last year but I will not wear a pants suit. I am thinking a purple dress :) . This will be the first time I will be wearing a dress. I can bring a date but have no one to ask :( . The event will be at the Curtis Center and I am very excited to be there. It is among the worlds best music schools.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 27, 2016, 06:52:43 PM
This will be the first time I will be wearing a dress.
I would suggest not to do that. I think it would be better to get used to wearing a dress so that day you'd be able to be yourself and not care about the dress. "get used to wearing a dress??" Yes I know it's not a big deal, but it's a formal event after all and I don't think it would be positive if something unexpected (but pretty normal for a cis) happened and you didn't know how to handle it, or handled it in a non-cis/non-natural way.
Fresas con Nata, thank you very much. I think you are correct. I think I will wear a dress at work when I return to work the end of September.
I was at group tonight and a new member was there. He offered some outstanding advise. I had mentioned I am about 40 days from my divorce being finalized and 50 days from ffs. I said while watching the convention last night with my wife and daughter I had a surreal moment. I thought in 40 days I will be divorced and 50 days I will look different and I do not know what I will look like. It is an odd feeling, not knowing. He spoke for a while. He said he transitioned 10 years ago (just moved to Philly a month ago). He went to his Rabbi (who was supportive) and discussed his transition and the desire to have top surgery. He was surprised, the Rabbi was supportive and said do you need it? Do you need it to complete your soul. He said he thought long and hard and decided to not have top surgery and that he is comfortable with his body now that he is in a supportive community (Philly). He said he is now glad with his decision.
I was thinking about what he said. My path differs from his. I do not see myself in a mirror, I see a reminder of my past. I dislike how I look but does it rise to a need and complete my soul ( I do not believe in a soul). I need food and water and shelter more than FFS. Since I have those, I focus on how I am different than how I feel. At work I am surrounded by woman and I feel so bad about my appearance, but is it a need? I can not say for sure but I think I will feel much better about myself and I am doing it for me and not someone else. When someone looks at me I want them to see me. Even though I do not know what I will look like but it will be female and that will be a very good thing, I am sure.
I had a discussion with my trainer and she understood. Tonight's workout was much better, still tough but in a cooler room and with longer breaks.
Hey,
For two years, I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror. I hated it, it wasn't me. It was something, some mask, someone else, but it wasn't me. I shaved in the shower. I avoided having my picture taken. I avoided even looking at my hair, even though it was growing in quite nicely. My face was one of the two biggest sources of dysphoria I had.
Ten days after FFS, after the longest surgery Dr Z had ever done, after the bandages came off, I saw me for the first time in my life. I was swollen, shaved bones hurt, a huge scar was on top. I was bruised and still had some beard growth. But I was me. The strangest thing that has ever happened to me.
It's now 27 months later. I still smile when I look in the mirror. I'm not perfect, but I am me.
I hope you have something similar.
Hugs
Jen
Hi Jen, thank you. It helps to know others that have similar experiences and feelings. I shave in the shower too :) . The day after I started RLE I booked McGinn for GCS. Then two months later I booked Spiegel for FFS. Next, I added a BA with McGinn when I have my GCS. The BA is for vanity and I want to be a size C. I can not wait to see what my face will look like.
49 days till FFS :)
I took my Wife and Daughter to the Camden aquarium today. It was my daughters 13th time there ( she loves the place). Then we went to old City Philly for lunch. There is a Mexican place on 3rd and Chestnut that is "inexpensive" and has fantastic food :) Next to Franklin ice cream shop and then their candy chop by Front and Market. Nice day :)
Money or lack of it and thoughts
I continue to sell stuff and save what I can to fund procedures. I have FFS funded, 1/2 is on a 18 month 0% credit card. $13,000 of the $22,000 owed will be from an IRS medical deduction. The remaining $9,000 I will fund from selling much of my collections of stuff.
This sounds good but then there is the BA and GCS. It is covered by insurance but I need to pay ahead of the procedure and get reimbursed after the procedure. So I will have paid $87,000. I need about $40,000 for the BA and GCS including food, lodging and paying for a support person. I thought to get a swing loan on my 403B but would need my wife's signature (fat chance). My divorce is due to be finalized within the next month or so. In which I can sign the form as single and get the swing loan. Else, I can fund 1/2 and charge half but Papillion charges 3% on the charge. Which is $600.
Assuming I get the swing loan I will start finalizing hair restoration in March 2017 ( insurance covers it) and then voice and Adam's apple (insurance covers it). I will be mostly done before July 1, 2017. Without the swing loan I will need to charge the procedures and pay the charge when the insurance pays. This may slow things up. I need to be complete and reimbursement filed prior to July 1, 2017 or I will need to pay a $2,500 deductible.
Thoughts - I have this reoccurring thoughts while I am in bed just before sleep about FFS. What if the procedure goes well but I look male? Can I take the disappointment? So far everything in my transition felt awesome when I did it after I settled in. Suppose with FFS I do not get the same results and it feels wrong? I am sure I want FFS and I feel I need it to feel better about myself and "breath easier" about how I look but what happens after FFS if I do not want the results FFS provides or I look like I had plastic surgery? I think, what will I look like? Will I be attractive? Will I spiral into more procedures and end up looking like I had plastic surgery. I have seen a lot of before and after pictures of Dr. Spiegel's work and I like the results. I just hope he can do similar for me. Will I be able to step back from the medication and think and not rationalize the situation and take it as directed and flush the unused ASAP? I know, relax and breath.
I have not had FFS myself but everyone I know who has had it has been happy with it. Stop worrying.
I am curious about one thing: What insurance company are you with that pays for VFS?
Hi CarleyMcx, I have Aetna PPO and my employer supplements their coverage with additional benefits. We are self insured and Aetna administers the plan. Basically Hair replacement, electrolysis, VFS, hormones, Gender counselor, adam's apple, BA and GCS are covered. FFS is not covered because the board of directors thought with 90% female professional employees they would want FFS too as well as BA's. So FFS is not covered. I have 3 years to act on my trans procedure benefits or they expire. I could apply for FFS and appeal the decision and follow it to the state insurance appeal but if I won I may lose a lot from the perspective of being highly regarded to a person that sued the company. A very knowledgeable woman here advised me and I decided to not go after FFS.
I went to a thrift store last night Buffalo Exchange ( I go there every other week and Philly aids thrift the opposite week). It is close to the gayborhood and has a trans woman working there and usually there is at least one trans woman shopping there, so it is very safe and welcoming. I was in line to pay for some tops and a woman said take him next. It really hurts. I was coming from work wearing flats, NY and company pants and a sleeveless top. My hair is down my back 6 inches. My goal is to blend in and get gendered correctly. So FFS is a must.
So last week I had my evaluation. I actually got graded on how well executed my coming out and transition at work went, huuuuum. Then he says you know it is really tough to think of you as female when I hear you on the phone. Followed by, I personally disagree with your transition but I am glad it is working out for you. Besides this in meetings he now interrupts and finished my thoughts for me. Then there is the look which means I am too emotional and calm down. That is his sign he told me he would use, "to help me".
I know he is dim but he is expressing what some others must think but not say. I say to myself why do I care and I try to think positive but sometime it gets through. I just want to fit in and I know that sounds bad. I have spent my whole life looking in from the outside. I just want to not be the different one for once. Even if it just helps me feel better about myself in that I am closer to how I feel I am on the inside.
I am 5 weeks away from FFS and have started the count down from the packet provided by Dr. Spiegel's office. I have my airline reservations ( in my new name, 1st time flying in my new name) and extended stay reservations. The FFS bill is paid (just need to pay the credit card off :( ). The other item on the 6 week packet check list is to quit smoking which I quit 8 years ago :)
I just reread the FFS packet and am on track. The FMLA packet arrived today in the mail. At week 4, 8/15/16 I have my doctors appointment to fill out the FFS and BA/GCS tests.
I am getting a little excited. I have been doing some reading about others experiences and it seams pretty consistent with the exception of complications.
5 weeks to go.
Yikes. What a read. Started at the beginning, then went to the end and reading it in reverse. A good read. Wish you the best for the upcoming ops. I sense you may have a bout of postpartum once the divorce is over, but hang in there. I'll have to continue this read after I sleep for a bit. I am in a very similar situation (less a family), but it helps to know what I am in for. As for being alone, well...I'm used to it and don't mind one bit (though the winters can be rough in northern PA).
Thank you Katja69 for your support.
I found out today my brother died a week or so ago. The police went to his apartment because of odor complaints. He had been dead for over a week. I had lunch with him 2 weeks ago and we discussed his declining health and that he did not have much time left. He was 59 and now out of his living hell. I can not help but feel relieved for him.
I e-mailed Carol at Dr. Spiegel's office to add back in the fat graphs in the cheeks and temple. I am now at the original list of recommended procedures. 38 days to go.
Dear Rachel,
I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
Moni
Thank you HappyMoni.
How have you been, it has been five weeks or so since your procedure. Are you healing well? Is there any advise? Would you do it again ( I think I know the answer)?
I have less than 5 weeks to go for FFS. Carol at Dr. Spiegel's confirmed the adding back in of fat to my cheeks and temples. I am a bit nervous and excited. I also wonder what I will look like and how people will react. I still get sir at work about 1/3 the time so perhaps this will help people when seeing me to reference me in female pronouns.
This is not rational, I sometimes think my wife will divorce me if I get FFS and I do not want to hurt her. Then I think and know the final divorce papers will arrive in the mail in about 3 weeks. In essence we are divorced. Divorce, FFS then eight weeks later BA and GCS.
I see my therapist, trainer and group tomorrow. Monday I see my PA-C to fill out my FFS ( needed to be done no less than 30 days before FFS) and BA/GCS medical exam paperwork.
I received a call from Dr. McGinn's office today. to confirm the BA prosthetic size and shape. I said the size was 450 cc. They had 550 cc on my chart. I said I forget the shape but the doctor and I agreed at the time. There was reasons for the shape and it had to do with going over the muscle and needing a two stage BA. Next, they had me down for having a consult only for an orchi not GCS. I distinctly remember seeing the doctor for GCS and her stating I was lucky and the reason why and that I would need a 2 stage because I needed blood flow for a successful vagioplasty. I set the date for 1 year 2 days after being full time. Lastly, the price they said today was 12,000 less than I was told. It is like the BA was not included.
Originally I was going to have an orchi but after my wife decided to divorce then I switched to GCS. The bill will be itemized and I will get it tomorrow. I do not want to take advantage. $19,000 for GCS and BA plus hospital and anesthesia was not correct. The size and shape of the BA is disappointing but that is why they double check. I have a phone conversation scheduled for Dr. Mc McGinn on Monday and all will be clarified.
Hi Rachel,
It's amazing how bad communication with doctor's offices can get. Make sure you are on the same page.
I will PM you as some things about my surgery, I don't want to put on a general thread. It has not been easy.
Take care!
Moni
Thanks Moni for all your help and shared experiences.
So I had an appointment at the Mazzoni Center for my Trans care and for the paperwork for FFS, BA and GCS. Both Dr. McGinn and Dr. Spiegel wanted an EKG. I had one today at my appointment. It came back perfect. This is odd. I had a heart murmur and now it is gone. My father and grand father had the murmur.
I was to have a call from Dr. McGinn at 2:30 today. They called at 4:30 to schedule an appointment for a face to face with the doctor in 2 weeks. Breath, remember to breath.
lots of referrals to work on and I did not faint on the blood draw :) .
Rachel,
You know how confused and disorganized these doctor's offices get. One hand doesn't know what the other is doing sometimes. It may mean nothing at all. I know how you are feeling though. You won't relax until you get put out for the surgery. I am the same way. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about it 24/7.
Moni
On Monday 8-15-2016 I had my PCP visit. They mailed out my referrals. I am anxious to get my blood test results.
Dr. Spiegel's office billed my credit card for fat injections in my cheeks. So the OR time must have been available.
FFS is on 9/16 only 28 days away.
This is my current thoughts on FFS. I want FFS and on the streets, stores and at work it would be so much better than my current male-ish face. I keep thinking my wife will divorce me if I have FFS and then I remember the final papers are due in 2 weeks. Then I think my daughter will shun me. This may actually be true. I love doing things with her like going to the beach. I hope she can eventually be in public with me (that hurts).
So I am not having 2nd thoughts but thoughts of processing my new feeling about the procedures impact on my daughter and soon to be ex-wife.
I have some fear of the pain, some fear of what will happen in Boston and being alone. I wonder what I will look like and if I made the correct choice of surgeon. I guess this is normal.
I sometimes think what if I have FFS and I then think I want to go back or that I made a mistake. Then I think, back to what? There is no back, just forward and I will look much better than I do now.
I know I am doing the right thing and I just need to trust in myself.
Rachel,
You will make it work, Hon. You made your decision, let yourself go with it. The decision to do this was for very strong reasons. People will forget what you used to look like. The new reality will take over. Your new look will have the power of that new reality. Your daughter may need some time to adjust. The real you will be there for her. It will be okay.
I had some of the same feelings you are having. You know I had FFS and am not 100% happy. I would still go through with it again. We make the choice knowing that not doing it is worse. Nothing is guaranteed to work out perfect.
Hope you can allow yourself to relax and let it take you where it will.
Moni
OMG good luck to you! So excited for you. Dr Spiegel is my #1 choice but 1-my insurance doesnt cover it and 2-i dont have the cash :(
Monica, thank you for your support. Having just had FFS the issue is fresh and it helps to be reinsured.
FarfallinAlexa, thank you. I charged half and sold stuff for the other half. I am selling more stuff to pay off the credit card.
I went to Jefferson Cardiology for my stress test today. They were so unbelievably wonderful and friendly, it was such a relief. They did a EKG and again great results and no murmur? The doctor went over a lot of history and family history. My BP was 100/60 at 52 beets a minute. I explained my exercise, steps at 0500 24 stories, walking hills at night 1.3 miles, gym and trainer and walking over 5 miles a day. He filled in the forms that I do not need a stress test. I was looking forward to it.
Pulmonary test tomorrow and blood test redo Friday. Then chest x-rays and done :)
I was walking through the Atrium at work today and felt really good. People sometimes look at me but it really has very little effect anymore and it des not effect my mood. I went from total fear in expressing at work in November to feeling good expressing at work.
Hey Rachel,
There is only one possible explanation. Your being trans cured your heart murmur. It saw the trans beast and ran away. lol
It is my second day back at work today. People have been so nice and I got so busy, I forgot about all things trans. I couldn't believe it. Guess I can relate to your Atrium walk.
Moni
Hi Monica, I am so happy for you. I hope I can feel that way too :)
I did the pulmonary test today. The 1st test was for lung volume and the tec said the test looked very good. The second test was the lungs ability to absorb O2 and exhaust CO2. He said to blow hard out and I exceeded the machines ability to handle the pressure my lungs create. I had to exhaust at a lower pressure. My height was 6'1". I was 6'3" 3 years ago.
Again the staff at Jefferson Cardiology were awesome :)
Friday blood test and Monday x-ray then done.
I just have the x-ray than all my pre-op tests are done :)
I have been trying to get delestrogen or generic for 2 weeks. I may need to go back on pills. CVS Monday is my last hope. It is on order. If I can inject before FFS then I will have E in my system for 2 weeks before FFS. If not I will stop pills on 9/2 and have no E in my system shortly after. Since I will be off spiro T will start up :(
So I had my monthly meeting with my boss today. During the Directors meeting Wednesday he asked what my Enterprise specific plan was for my department. I submitted it to him electronically previously. There are 25 or so items. I could remember a few. He then asked the progress. This was not on the agenda and the first we were asked for this information. Well, at todays meeting I had the printout I provided him electronically previously. He said he knew and just liked putting me on the spot and watching me struggle. He is a real gem. Of 4 directors at today's meeting I was the only one to have the requested 5 year capital plan for my department. He is going to use it at the Board of directors meeting. Yet he puts me on the spot to watch me struggle. He offered to be named for a life directive incase the operations had an issue. I do not know if I trust him.
It could be more than that. Your boss may have an eye on you with the thought of a promotion in mind. He might be testing your ability to respond under pressure and your ability to do long range planing. A good boss is always on the lookout for management talent because they never know when they might need it. They want somebody as skilled or better than they are. A bad manager stays on top by keeping people with less skill under them and promotions are not as likely.
Hey,
I'm going with Dena. However, keep on your toes either way. Don't let him watch you struggle.
More later.
Great progress BTW..
Hugs
Jen
Hi Dena and Jen, thank you for your support. I am at the top of where I will go. My job will expand as we continue to expand and add facilities and partnerships. Thank you for the alternate views.
I am back on E pills. My last hope is CVS Monday for Delestrogen.
I have an appointment with Dr McGinn tomorrow since it has been a while since we last meet. I am a bit nervous because this is unusual. I meet with her twice already. Originally I was going to get an orchi but when my wife told me she was going to divorce me on 11-12-15 I called Papillion on 11-16-15 to change that to gcs. When I first saw Dr. McGinn I was examined for gcs or orchi.
Tomorrow morning I will get my chest x-ray at Jefferson then see Dr. McGinn in the afternoon in New Hope ( I will need to stop in Warrior on Main Street). All my FFS, BA and GCS pre-testing will be done.
16 days I will be in Boston for FFS.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on August 03, 2016, 08:03:48 PM
So last week I had my evaluation. I actually got graded on how well executed my coming out and transition at work went, huuuuum. Then he says you know it is really tough to think of you as female when I hear you on the phone. Followed by, I personally disagree with your transition but I am glad it is working out for you. Besides this in meetings he now interrupts and finished my thoughts for me. Then there is the look which means I am too emotional and calm down. That is his sign he told me he would use, "to help me".
Sounds like a sexist pig taking out his unresolved issues around femininity on you. If I were you I'd befriend the company nutcracker and take some tips on how to bust his without getting yourself fired.
Quote from: Dena on August 26, 2016, 08:10:05 PM
A bad manager stays on top by keeping people with less skill under them and promotions are not as likely.
I see you've met my bosses.
Thank you AnxietyDisorder3r for your support.
I finished all my pre-surgery tests as of this morning :) for BA, GCS and FFS.
I meet with Dr. Mc Ginn at Papillion this afternoon (4th time)\
and am scheduled for a BA and GCS 11/15/2016 :) She redid the genital exam and went over all the issues that can happen. I have micro penis and not much scrotal tissue for the graph. She explained that the graph could die and that it must be done in two phases. She said she though she could do the operation successfully. My BA will be 550 cc over the muscle round silicone. Dr. McGinn said after the hospital stay I could stay at home after the GCS and BA. I live pretty close to Papillion.
I do not now if she says the graph may die to everyone. Initially I thought it was aimed at me but later I think it is just what she says to all patients.
I have a semi-formal to go to for work at the Curtis Center mid October. I got a purple dress which I like and will wear. I will be 1 month post op from FFS. This is my first dress and I am a bit nervous. I asked one guy today at work to be my guest and was rejected :( . I will ask another tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my last day for hormones for 20 days. I have FFS on 9/16. I am more anxious about being off HRT right now than FFS but I am sure that will change.
I finally finished this entire post; laughed, cried, but am so very, very, very happy and excited for you. You have a super busy next couple of months ahead, stay healthy and happy. I have yet to begin my journey but we are the same age and this thread has helped so much. I wish I lived closer to be your date, just to show everyone you can date a hot "guy". All the best.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on September 01, 2016, 08:25:28 PM
Tomorrow is my last day for hormones for 20 days. I have FFS on 9/16. I am more anxious about being off HRT right now than FFS but I am sure that will change.
Rachel,
You are lucky, I had to be off for six weeks, 4 weeks before and 2 after. Best thing is not to think about it. Focus on how great you will look after FFS. I have your date on my calendar.
Moni
m1anderson, thank you for your support and thanks I really appreciate what you said about the date :)
Monica, thank you for all your support. I will need to focus on the end of the 20th day :) . I really hope I look good.
I asked another guy to go with me to the semi-formal and he said he could not and pointed to his wedding ring. We talk every day and he knows it would be as friends. So, I will go alone. There will be a full table of people I work with every day that I will sit with so it will be ok.
Tonight is my last does of HRT for 20 days. There was no group last night due to not having a LCSW available as a moderator. I have to pick up my daughter next Thursday at the airport so I will miss next week and the next two weeks too. I really enjoy group and find it valuable as a transition resource.
I am really looking forward to FFS; it comes at a cost. My daughter and wife (ex-wife) will not be seen with me in public. This really will be a life altering procedure.
I wonder why you have to stop hormones prior to surgery. Some surgeons make you stop T prior to surgery. (Mine didn't. Nothing happened.) If your endocrine levels are normal what flipping difference does it make that your hormones are exogenous?
Here's hoping you make it through three weeks (yikes) of wonky hormones okay.
Hi Anxietydisorder3r, thank you for your support.
When I originally was going for an orchi Dr. McGinn said I could remain on hormones. When I switched to GCS she said I had to stop E 2 weeks before and spiro the day before GCS. She said it is due to how invasive the procedure is. I also think it is surgeon specific. Dr. Spiegel for FFS wants all hormones stopped 2 weeks before FFS.
I had wondered what would happen when I went off hormones and I will now find out. Next week I am off aspirin. I have been taking that since my 20's due to family history, but then again addiction had a lot to play with that.
My surgeon told me to stop E six weeks before the op. As that was just over six weeks before I had to come off E cold turkey. Menopause, with hot flushes etc., was never on my agenda! I think the reasoning is that the E can increase the risk of blood clots.
Exactly Mary, they are worried about blood clots. If I use McGinn, I'm glad to hear she doesn't require that long.
Moni
Hi Mary and Monica, thank you for your support. How long after stopping E and spiro did you get hot flashes? Also at what point did T start producing? Thank you :) Oh, Mary you look wonderful in your avatar.
A week from tomorrow I fly to Boston. Next Wednesday I have a pre-op consult with Dr. Spiegel. I have been on the net looking (obsessing) on before and after stories and videos. I guess it will be what it will be. When I sat in front of him at the consult I asked him what was a reasonable expectation of the outcome. He said he would make me look beautiful. I thought immediately beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. My goal is to look female so when I am in public I do not get sir (which hurts) and people I know have an easier time using my name ( I want to scream, that is not my name, when they use my dead name by mistake). I am excited.
They don't use spiro here as the doctors believe it reduces breast growth. I was taking Decapeptyl by injection every 12 weeks, so the only instruction there was - if you are due one don't have it. I wasn't due one. I'm not sure, but I think it was a week or two after stopping E that I really noticed the hot flashes.
The only surgery I have had was what our hospitals call Gender Confirmation. I'm not planning anything else. I have no obvious Adam's apple and my jaw is a bit heavy for a woman but not obviously male.
I do really like that photo of me! It was earlier this year and I have to admit it was a professional photo shoot with the attention of a professional MTF makeup artist.
Rachel,
I would estimate within two weeks of stopping and two weeks after restarting was when the hot flashes started. About a month in, I really started to see the effects of T, the evil drug. I just started progesterone last week so I'm not sure how that fits into the mix yet. It does seem to have kick started the boobs a bit. I lost size in that area being off my meds for 6 weeks. Will be thinking about you Rachel.
Moni
Hi Monica and Mary, thank you for your support.
Tomorrow I have a meeting at work with 20 or so supervisors and managers from the different departments. I will explain what is happening over the next several months, FFS, BA and GCS. My supervisor set up the meeting. I guess HR and my boss will be present. There is no agenda and I really dislike meetings with no agenda. I will go as deep as they want about the procedures if they ask questions. I suspect there will be no questions. The meeting could be really short.
The FFS is approaching. less than 8 days from now the procedures will be done and I will be in the healing phase. I am nervous and excited. The 21st I will be back on HRT :) .
Congratulations. Also, 4600 posts! amazing.
Hi Steph and thank you for your support. 4600 posts, I was a moderator for a while. I did not put enough time in and was fired. It was either that or I forgot to make Cindy and Susan coffee and cookies too many times. All kidding aside, I learned a lot and tried to help people the best I could. I was fortunate for the opportunity and experience.
We had the transition team meeting today and all went well. I gave a lot of detail about the pending FFS procedure. When I was asked if there was anything I needed going forward, I responded I need help with the insurance. I explained FFS (not covered by insurance) cost then the BA and GCS costs and that I need pre-approval for the BA and GCS so I can plan hair replacement and then voice. I will get some help :) I explained that with the divorce, support and transition costs I am selling off a lot of my possessions and borrowing to afford FFS and pay for the BA and GCS.
So I will be packing this weekend for Boston on Tuesday. This is where there is no way back and only forward; it is getting very real. I am excited and hoping for the best :)
Rachel,
At the risk of being presumptuous, having read this thread several times beginning to end, I feel like I have come to know you.
This thread is at minimum instructive, at times genuinely inspirational. You are a credit to us all, represent the struggle with a sense of purpose and nobility. As a real-life chronicle of the process of MTF transition and the struggles leading to it, you have helped countless reader of this site with this thread and your countless posts to it. This thread has about 79K reads! You should seriously consider editing the substance of this thread into a book, seek a publisher.
Thanks for your example and strength of will.
Steph
Hi Steph, thank you for the kind words and support.
I am keep this thread for several reasons. First, I came here when I was suicidal and the men and woman here held me tight; when I fell and they picked me up. Second, the blog feature was locked. Third, if it stopped abruptly there would be a record somewhere of the struggle and perhaps understanding to answer the question why. Fourth, to help others and show them someone's path and the obstacles. Most importantly, this is me and I share this because it helps me. It is me in my on-line community. I would never share this with a cis person that has no reference and would critique me, they could never understand.
Six days until FFS. I am really excited. I was not allowing myself to see and feel the positives of what the future several weeks will provide me until this morning. I was doing things mechanically until now. I need to do my laundry today and start packing. I was thinking about the trip and then I started thinking what outfits I will take and I started to smile.
What if it works out really well :)
I had a morning erection this morning when I awoke. This is a race to get back on HRT.
Point well taken about the problem of the cis reader. That said, I doubt you would have a cis readership if this were published and it would offer your experience to still others who would benefit from your example. Just a thought.
Susan's Place is a unique community and resource. I am indebted to the members who lifted me out of the pit in several times of despair. It was your example and the help of others that led me to seek therapy which I began last week.
I am sure this will predictably work really well for you. You will thrive and deserve in every way to thrive.
Think of the cis-gender men who would read your last comment bemoaning the presence of a morning erection!
Hi Rachel,
You and I have talked about my FFS in the recent past. I look back on it as an adventure that was more exciting than scary. Somehow my need to progress to be who I need to be, far outweighed any fear I had. I am hoping for GCS in June. I am not as ambitious as you to do so much in so short a time. I hope you know that there are a lot of positive thoughts and prayers coming your way. I suspect you will be ready to write a few new chapters in that book before it is all over. I am so happy your wait is coming to an end.
I thought I would let you know that for me, being off the hormones feels like a "blip" now. Actually, the break from them and subsequent restart has allowed me to feel more affects from them. I have soreness in the boobs that I haven't had in 8 months. A year from now, I suspect it will seem like a "blip" to you also.
I had some news of my own today. I got my new female drivers license in the mail today. I was so excited. You will soon have a new one yourself, with your new gorgeous face on it. Take care and let us know how you are doing when you feel up to it.
Moni
Moni,
Congratulations on a milestone!
Steph
Hi Steph, congratulations on starting therapy. That was the best thing I have done for myself. I was so scared to start, to even walk into the building. I am so glad I go to therapy. Some people say we are the same person when we transition. I disagree, I am so much stronger and happier and more productive. Good luck in therapy :)
Hi Monica, congratulations on the new picture on your drivers license. My work ID is bad. They put a light over your head to get the facial features and I just cringe. When I changed my name I had my license redone (it was 3 weeks since my license was renewed). I can not wait until FFS and hair is corrected and I get a good work and drivers ID. I am so happy for you :)
The divorce settlement was signed and notarized yesterday.
I am taking the dog to the park and when I come back I will start packing for Boston.
Since being off HRT I have increasingly felt blah, smiles are less frequent. I have had a headache since day three and today the ringing has started, very low but it is there. Never guess what happened this morning again :( . Tomorrow is the last day worked and I need to call the FMLA hotline and re-inform my boss I am going on FMLA Tuesday (as per policy).
13th last day worked,
14th pre-op appointment, get scripts, shop for everything I will need and did not pack,
15th shop some more and visit a museum,
16th FFS
23rd post-FFS appointment and back to Philly
26th work ? Perhaps 29th
I am in Boston 😀
Tomorrow I have my pre-op meeting with Dr Spiegel.
I will get my scripts and buy some last minute supplies. I have Wednesday and Thursday to tour around Boston. I walk 6 miles a day so I was able to find the aquarium and a lot to do in the next two days.
I get looks now and then but no issues so at least this section of Boston is pretty nice and accepting.
I am staying at the Marriott extended stay Harbor on Tutor Warf. Pretty cool, I put in my grocery shopping order and it will be here tomorrow. Lisa at the front desk has be awesome. She said a lot of Doctor Spiegels patients stay here. The area where the hotel is located is a really nice area and a little walk puts you in the middle of a lot of activities. I guess that will be mostly pointless from Friday on.
I just want the operation behind me at this point. I can not believe it is just 3 days away.
I have been in contact with a woman from group the is going to Dr. Spiegel in a few months. I am glad to fill her in on what is like and what to expect.
Home has been ok. We have texted a bunch of times and all has been very good. I am surprised. It is almost like my wife and daughter realize it will happen and have stopped the negatives.
So, it is a matter of time.
Hi Rachel,
We are there with you in spirit. You can just go with the flow now. It will happen as it will. Be excited that soon you will see the new you. Remember think adventure, not ordeal. It helps!
Moni
PS I was in Boston once. You could tell the natives from the tourists by watching them drive. The tourists were the ones who stopped at the stop signs. lol
Rachel,
I, too, want to offer my best wishes and encouragement. I've stayed at the Marriott on the Harbor. Enjoy your pre-op time, spend some quality "Rachel time" and clear your thoughts in preparation. Surgery will soon be behind you, a memory. you will be yet another step toward realizing your goals.
Congratulations!
Steph
Congratulations and best wishes from me too Rachel!
Thank you for your support Mary, Steph and Monica. I spent today and I will spend tomorrow as me time. I visited the Boston Navy yard and ate by the aquarium. Tomorrow I will walk to bunker hill and most likely go to the aquarium. I have a 4 pm therapist face time.
I had my pre-op meeting today. Everyone in the office was very nice and there were absolutely no misgenderings, as expected. Dr. Spiegel went over every item in the procedure which is:
Forehead lowering,
Removal of the sinus bone and contouring,
Blurring down the eyelets,
Placing the brows,
Lip lift,
Mandible and chin contouring,
Fat graph in checks and lips,
Face lift,
Neck lift,
Lower eye lift and perhaps cutting and tightening of the lower lid if needed.
I had three scrips given to me. CVS is across the street and my insurance is with CVS so I filled the mouth wash, antibiotic and OxyCodone. I now have 40 OxyCodone pills. I have had some thoughts like try one to see how it will effect me and take the pills all at once. Fleeting thoughts at best. I am pumped to see the next year of my life. I never felt that way before.
I asked what will I look like. Dr. Spiegel said a female version of you but 15 years younger. Perhaps a little salesman. When I was speaking to Carol she said what to expect as time went by. Swelling on the mandible will be with me for a while.
The bad news I asked when I can go back on hormones. He said because I need to fly then after I get home. I was so looking forward to next Wednesday.
Surgery is scheduled for 7:30 Friday. I said to Carol ( she has been my main contact at Dr. Spiegels), I would love to never get misgendered again.
Best,
Rachel
I just got a call from my wife with lots of questions and a request to postpone the surgery. I said I would not postpone and she said a few choice words. Our divorce settlement is final and we are waiting for the decree from the judge. She said I am making things hard for her. She does not want to see my face. This is not new for her and she knew the surgery dates from the divorce negotiations in the spring. She wants to move out but has not started looking.
I really don't need that stress right now.
Tomorrow I have the operation at 7:30. I needed to get a top that either buttons or zips. I have button tops at home but they are from when I had just started to express at work and since then have gone to pull overs. I really will not wear the work shirts even though some woman managers at work wear that style. They are not me.
Off to Quincies market in Boston. Awesome place and I went into a bunch of stores. I avoided the loft and Ann Taylor's and was going to into them as a last resort. I love their cloths but they are pricey. I got a really cute button top and am very happy with it. I also got a cute belt, blue.
I will get up at 4 tomorrow, shower, remove piercings and be on my way at 5 to Mount Auburn Hospital.
Last day with this face. I took some selfies in case I do a before and after pic.
I had my therapist cell phone session.
Did the pre-check in with Mount Auburn hospital.
I am very ready. Next stop surgery :)
Good luck!
Best wishes ...hope it goes well
Good luck! Hope everything goes perfectly.
Rachel, I've followed your journey along this whole thread. You are an amazing person, and you deserve the best possible results. I hope the procedure goes flawlessly.
- Michelle
Michelle, Steph, Just Me hear, Brianna, thank you very much for your support and good wishes. It means a lot. I agree Milton must have had some dysphoria.
2.5 hours I will be operated on. I leave for the hospital in a minute. I just wanted to say thank you everyone for your help, support and good wishes.
Good by old face. I have outgrown you and it is time to reveale me. You served me well and protected me, fairwell my old friend.
Rachel when I joined early in the spring of 2015, one of the first things I did was read your entire thread from start to finish. It was epic, inspiring, and real and I am so happy to be here when you are nearing a finish line of some sort.
I am only three months on hormones at this point, with a lot still ahead of me. I wish you all the best with your FFS, and look forward to hearing about it after.
You have such courage...all I can say is you go girl
Thank you Carley and Brianna for your support and kind words.
I have to go back to the hotel.
Bathroom problem due to oxi.very tird
Congratulations Rachel, I'm so glad to hear you've completed this step.
I'm just a little way up the river Charles from you and would love to stop by if schedules work - unfortunately today I'm committed right through to 10pm so today is out.
Tomorrow I'm working 'til about 7pm. Tuesday however I'm open after about 11:30 am.
I'd love to visit if you have the energy for that, understanding of course if not and it goes without saying I'm glad to pickup anything you may be needing.
Hoping your recovery is easing, I fully understand the effects of the pain killers.
Hi Sadie Blake, thank you very much for the offer. I am just getting my bearings again. I look pretty bad right now and hope to be in condition Friday for the trip to Spiegel and Philadelphia.
I think I will try some chicken and rice in a bit and then try to clean the blood on my stitched and reapply some triple antibiotic cream
You take care and heal...
Hugs
Jeb
Yeah just sit back REST heal and feel better I have no doubt you will be very pretty
Thank you Jen and Brianna for your support.
I was able to take a shower and clean up a bit. The instructions say to limit talking.i did talks bit today and I definitely feel it. I also ate some so that may have caused the soreness. I should have figured the cutting in the mouth and work on the jaws was going to be extensive.
Sunday I was questioning why I did this ( I threw up all Sunday and took no pain meds). Ok, it is Monday and I feel better. I did give GCS and the BA November 15 a second thought. So why ffs? I did it for me. I did it because I hate being misgendered. I have eyebrows now and when I was cleaning my face I sat beck just to look at them. I smiled and that hurt. It sounds dumb but it felt good. GCS and BA in 2 months time I really do not look forward to the pain but it will be well worth it to be corrected. The ffs pain has not changed the need to be corrected at all.
Rachel
Not sure if you are home, but things like chicken an rice could become a soup with a little stock and a blender or food processor. Try eating soft things like soups, cream of wheat and if nothing else, use the blender or food processor. My roommate needed extensive dental work and was without teeth for a month so even meat and vegetables went through the food processor before serving.
Rachel,
I'm so glad the surgery hasn't affected your fingers and you are still chatting with us. You do sound way too lucid for what you have been through. lol Am thinking of you and hoping you don't look worse than me about two months ago.
Make sure you behave and don't overdo.
Moni
I drank protein shakes. Atkins worked well. Just kinda slid right down. Full of vitamins as well.
Hard time but worth it.
Hugs
Jen
Thank you Dena, Monica and Jennifer for you help.
I am staying at an extended stay in Boston. I went to the breakfast buffet this morning. I needed to get out of the room. I had some serial which I let soak in the skim milk. It was nice to get out of the room. I am feeling pretty good with the exception of the pain in my face which is manageable.
I have soup and a nutribullet in my room with protein powder and frozen strawberries and blueberries. I feel up to making food today.
When I was in the dining room this morning most everyone looked. I am pretty immune to looks at this point. Having bandages wrapped on someone's head is a valid reason to look so it does not bother meal all.
I would really like to know what I will look like without the bruising and swelling. I have to admit, yesterday when I took the bandages off yesterday I gasped and got a little upset. It is a lot to take in.
I know tomorrow will be even better yet.
Mine was messy for 10 days. In the end, it was 6 months for all the swelling to go down. But I had a real good idea at 2 weeks, even better at 4.
Opening the Christmas present a little each day, trying to figure out what it is..... very difficult.
Have confidence in the surgeon. Have confidence in you.
Hugs,
Jen
HI Gen, thanks you. Today the swelling below my eyes started to go down and I am feeling better overall.
Some things about the operation. There are two nursed that insert the IV before you walk into the OR. They had an issue with me, no surprise. The gave up and got the anesthesiologist. She and her PA-c were able to insert a small IV. They had to have me put my arm down so the veins enlarge. This is normal. I got stuck 10 times or so. The PA-c said she would put a larger IV in when I was under but the original IV was in so she must have had trouble. My bloodpressure is 100/60 with 52 pulses per minute resting combined with small rolling veins and not drinking anything and my veins are hard to get.
The OR is smallish probably 300 square foot. I was in the sixth floor older part of the hospital. it is more than adequate for the surgical team. As told I would be talking then wake up in my room. Dr. Spiegel came up later and as he said he talked with me in the PACU and I would not remember.
I threw up just a little and was given oxi and Tylenol. I would fall asleep then wake up. Two days felt like a very short time. There was no night or day, just time for meds and sleep. Peeing was an issue. They gave me a quart jug type of thing that I could not use. So they put a hat in the toilet and issue resolved.
Sunday going home I had no meds and got nauseous. All Sunday I threw up and took no meds. Monday I felt better and started meds but no oxi. Anyhow I will flush the oxi Thursday at 3 when I am having my phone therapy session.
Being alone is difficult. If I could I would have had antinausia medicine Sunday and felt better much earlier. Other than that I am able to take care of things with the help of the extended stay.
As per the woman at the front desk at the extended stay, which are very nice. They said my swelling at this point is very good comparing to a lot of other women that have been here.
I hope to walk a little tomorrow and get some pizza in a shop I found. The pizza is so good and I can not wait. EI still need to be carful about chewing so I may not go there.
Pain with Tylenol is a 1 or so at this point so things are looking up. I have my spirits up again.
Lots of women have had surgery, but you are a hero for talking us through it so openly. Thank you for your inspiration Rachel!
Hi Mary, thank you for the kind words and encouragement.
I flushed the oxi today during my phone therapy session. My sister actually recommended I keep the oxi for later use. She said that is what she does. She has a addict in her house that overdosed 3 times this year and my brother was oxi and a meth addict. That is complete insanity. I felt good flushing the oxi and not using it. I won this one.
No Tylenol today and the pain is a 1. I see Dr Spiegel tomorrow to have the staples and stitches removed and when I land tomorrow night HRT yay .
I see my Pcp Monday and I think they got in delestrogen so I should be IM monday night, fingers, toes and legs crosses.
I told my therapist that when I removed the bandages Monday I gasphed and hung my head down. I saw the dried blood, stitches and staples and swelling and bruising. I felt so ugly and actually said out loud what did I do I am ugly. I was a little emotional but stopped at crying.
I told her I am way past that point and realize the stitches, staples, swelling and bruising will go and eventually I will see what I will look like. Female looking would be great and a little cute would be awesome. Here is to hope. Right now I look like frankenRachel.
I expressed some concern with going home tomorrow night. I will go to a hotel with the first hint of aggression. I am pretty vulnerable about the ffs right now and I know what she says verbally is out of anger so I need to just ignore anything verbal. I know that everyday I will get a little better from the ffs.
Rachel
Rachel,
Good for you for steering clear of the meds. You will need to be patient with the face. Don't jump to conclusions. I learned to try to stay even keel with it, not to high or low. I go back for three month check in a few weeks. Some aspects take a long time to change. I will ask about some revision. Hope you don't have to deal with that. You don't deserve to deal with anyone's negativity especially after going through what you have just gone through. Warm thoughts coming your way.
Moni
Hi Monica,
I can not believe it has been 3 months already. Thanks for the advise.
Dr. Spiegel did fat graphs to certain places in my face. He said the swelling will go down then 3 months later the fat graph will plump up. I really do not know what means what with my face. If there is a very small bump on my brow mean anything at this time, I suspect not. I will ask tomorrow what should I see or feel to make sure everything is ok and what is going to take time.
I really do wish my wife had moved before this. I wish the agreement was signed months ago when I said it does not make sense to wate. When I get home Saturday I will go to the bank and present my copy for a home refi or a new loan. Monday I will send HR a copy of the agreement and request they divide the pension and 403b as per the agreement. That will allow her to buy something nice. Then she will get alamony too. So she is economically secure and I have a lot of life insurance too. I love her dearly and will miss her. I know wish means I should have just done it or put it another way. I feel guilty and I will have to live with what I did and how I did it.
One thing I have learned in my transition is to face my fears and get thing done. Prolonging things and ruminating about things does not relieve the pain. I have learned to be brave in my self.
I am home and my wife was fine, I am surprised. she asked to see my face and I said how about tomorrow when I can remove the wrap during the day (for next 2 weeks). My daughter is taking the train back from school and my wife is picking her up at the station now.
Travel was exhausting. For the last week I took it easy and today was a lot of things happening. Had the stitches removed flew home and then drove 95 through Philly during the end of Friday Rush hour. I am a bit sore in the face.
Tomorrow I will shower, dress and show my wife and daughter my face. I need to go to the credit union tomorrow with the agreement and get an appraisal scheduled.
ok, when I showered today I was drying off and checked my scrotum and the area around where my penis shaft skin connects to the mound for hair. I have some hair ( not much on the scrotum and just a very little on the mound within 1/2 inch and I was bummed out. Dr. McGinn checked me out about 3 weeks ago and asked if I had the hair removal. I replied I did 6 treatments ( as they recommend) and said it is not bad. So am I making a mountain out of nothing? GCS and BA in 5 weeks.
So my wife and daughter saw my face. My daughter said nothing and my wife just made a little face of disapproval. I guess 99.99% of what I thought would happen was just in my head.
I need to wear the bandages just for sleeping for the next 2 weeks and stay propped up with my head above my heart with two pillows for 2 more week. I have one area by my left temple that is painful to the touch and the rest is very manageable. I purchased a skin care kit at Spiegel's that will help my skin, keep it healthy and supple. I also purchased a product to fade the scares. Which means a morning and night skin care regiment.
Surprisingly, everything is going well.
It wasn't in your head as your wife said she didn't want to see you after surgery. Your wife may not realize it but the world didn't end when she saw your face. I can't say it's acceptance but it is tolerance.
Dena, you are 100% correct, it was not in my head.
My wife did not cry or get angry. She perhaps has tolerated that I am going to be me.
My daughter was going back to school and came over and said you need a hug, then we hugged. That was the 1st time she initiated a hug. I had tears in my eyes.
FFS update
I had a bunch of FFS procedures. One was lower blepharoplasty. I still have dissolving stitches in my lower eye lids (in my ear canal opening too). Excess skin was removed and where the upper and lower lid come together is where the excess skin was removed. On my right eye there must have been more skin removal than the left eye. Anyhow it is irritating when I blink.
My upper lip was shortened and fat injected. There is some minor pain when I smile.
Inside my mouth where my mandible and chin were accessed still have dissolving sutures and hurt when I eat and touch. The mandible is swollen.
My temples are swollen and hurt to the touch. The forehead stich line has some periodic pain.
Lower chin is numb and tight.
I had a lot of stiches removed from the back of my head left and right and that has relatively no pain.
I have been back on hrt for 24 hours. :)
I sound different but then opening my mouth more than an inch hurts.
ps. I lost 12 pounds in the 8 days since the surgery. I guess it is the Spiegel diet :)
pps. The left side of my face mandible and chin had more work them my right side. There is significantly more bruising on the left side. My mandible and left far cheek area were different then the right side. I could see it but it was subtle. I could feel the difference in the mandible before the operation. When the swelling goes down I can not wait to see how the doctor did.
I had a PCP appointment for my GCS and BA. My doctor loved the work that as done and said I looked much younger. At work I received some complements and I got Ms. in the cafeteria :)
I e-mailed Carol at Dr. Spiegel's about my right mandible gum stiches and I think 4 inches of incision opened up but I seam to remember that is the way it was for a while. Anyhow, I want to find out if it is correct or in need of a repair.
I went to My PCP to go over the paperwork for GCS and BA. Jefferson did not forward Mazzoni the results. So they will look into it and call me. My Doctor wants me to call Papillion to make sure they will accept that the cardiologist refused to do a stress test stating I am too healthy and the test would be a waste. I will call tomorrow.
It was a long day and I did not sleep much last night. I am tired and my lower face is a bit achy tonight.
I hope you can get some rest. You seem to be very busy and doing it all yourself. Your body needs a break to catch up, I think.
Hi AnxietyDisorder3r, thank you for your support. I will get to bed a little earlier tonight.
As requested I called Papillion today and spoke to Lori ( she is very nice and had done my 6 clearings) I told her what the Cardiologist said about the stress test and that he said I did not need one. She said she would talk to Crystal ( Dr. McGinn's PA-C, original one) and see if it is an issue. I also explained I had FFS on 9/15 and that Dr. Spiegel said I could do 30 flights of steps in the morning 3 weeks after the operation. Which would put a stress test earliest date as Oct 3, if I can get an appointment. She said I would need all required tests done (stress is if Crystal says I need it) and in their hands by Oct 15.
Tomorrow morning I will start my day with 5 flights of stairs. I have been walking 1.3 miles at night and about 2 miles at work.
FFS was definitely a good thing and I feel much better about myself. I have no second thoughts or remorse. I need to warn those that have extensive FFS that when you take off the bandages there is a huge emotional response, at least for me.
Dr. Spiegel said the jaw issue is ok and just keep using the rinse.
Nothing is easy. I will just put one foot in front of the other.
Good. You seem like you're in a good emotional place following the surgery. All surgeries are tough psychologically but plastic surgeries especially so.
Walking is good. I did a lot of that right after my surgery and I think it helped me heal. It certainly helped me mentally. You'd think lazing around in bed for a week would make me happy but I couldn't wait to break out of that room.
Here's hoping you get a pass on that stress test. I look at your life and you've been tested with plenty of stress- I think you passed!
They do like to have you on your feet pretty quickly these days. When I had my Gender Confirmation Surgery - in the morning - I was plodding slowly along the corridor in the evening. A girl maybe a third my age had hers the same morning. She was still lying on her bed groaning several days later.
Do get plenty of rest, but not all day and all night!
Hi AnxiethDisorder3r and Mary. Thank you for your support. I think exercise, within reason, does so much good for your overall health. After GCS thought it may be a while before I am back fully.
Mazzoni got the Jefferson test results and the Cardiologists write up (2 pages) about the stress test and basically it said I am stable. They will fax the packet of information to them tonight. Fingers are crossed Crystal will approve the tests.
I did 6 flights of stairs today and I think I will do the same tomorrow. I can open my mouth 2 fingers as of this morning. That makes a huge difference.
If I get past the stress test hurdle then next is paying for the operation and letting my wife know it is happening ( she knows but not exactly when).
I am getting out of the fog that has had me since the operation. :) I am thinking positive thoughts.
Thursday I went to my therapists. She said my face looks female and a lot younger. She also said my skin looked much brighter and that my features look very soft. She was a bit curious why my left side of my face heals quicker and why I needed more mandible work on my left side. Also , why my right side has more inflammation. She does research at her day job. For example, when they took the stiches out from my forehead lowering my left side was healed ( 7 days). My right side still is in the process of healing ( 14 days).
I had been given the ok to stay at home when released from the hospital from my BA and GCS. My sister said she would not stay at my house if my wife was still there. She said she would not hold back and it would be ugly. I said I would rent rooms in New Hope. She said OK. Last night when I confirmed she said I should stay at her house for the week. I agreed. She is about 10 minutes further in driving time from her house than mine to Papillion.
I did not go to group Thursday. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep so I went home after my therapy session. Also, I feel I want to have my swelling down a bit more and the right side of my forehead lowering scab to be 100% healed. Also, I would like to have my brows done too. I waited for that moment for a long time.
Friday on the way home from work Mazzoni called me and said they faxed the files to Papillion's office (Dr. McGinn). A few minutes later Carol from Dr. McGinn's office called and said they received the files. On Fridays after lunch Papillion puts the phones on messaging so they can prepare for the following Monday. They monitor the web messages. When Carol called she said she wanted to call to put my mind at ease. Now, will they accept what the cardiologist said and accept that a stress test is not needed.
I am pretty happy with my forehead and orbital work. The fat graphs I was told will take 2 months to deflate and reflate. So I need to hold judgement. My upper lip is regaining feeling. Drinking with a straw needs to be done on the side of my mouth now because I can not get suction if the straw in in the center of my lips. I am really glad I had the lower, mid and blethoplasty face lift. My jaws are still swollen so I hope that works out. I really wanted my jowls to be flush. Right now they are not and I am not happy about that. My eyes are more almond now than before which is ok. My skin looks good. When I eat my mouth gets sore. I still have a lot of stiches in my mouth and behind my head. I do not look pretty. I look like my old self without the male features :(.
When I got home from Boston I sat on the edge of my bed and tears just came rolling down my face. One week later and I am disappointed but still have some optimism. If the jowls go away I will be much happier. Still not pretty but happier. If not I will get that corrected.
I have GCS and a BA in 6 weeks. I need a graph for GCS. Dr. McGinn pointed to an area above where my penis is and said you are lucky you have extra skin there ( a benefit from at one time weighing 327 pounds and now 200). She said a complication would be if the graph dies. Then she said but I think I can do it. What would happen if the graph died? The question rang in my head but I did not ask the question. I think I can do it was said in a confident way but still. I guess complications can happen with any operation. Perhaps she said that so it would be in the consultation notes and it was discussed.
I know now that opioids give me an acid stomach. So anti-acids are a must. I just sleep on opioids. I lost two days when in the hospital in Boston. Also, I was in a fog for 1.5 weeks after the operation. Was it the anesthesia or opioids or both.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on October 01, 2016, 08:24:00 AM
Thursday I went to my therapists. She said my face looks female and a lot younger. She also said my skin looked much brighter and that my features look very soft. She was a bit curious why my left side of my face heals quicker and why I needed more mandible work on my left side. Also , why my right side has more inflammation. She does research at her day job. For example, when they took the stiches out from my forehead lowering my left side was healed ( 7 days). My right side still is in the process of healing ( 14 days).
Hi Rachel,
The aftercare nurse I had said this was not uncommon. A lot of people have a "stronger" and "weaker" side, and bruising, swelling, and healing will occur at different rates on each side of the body. I am 17 days post-op and I have noticed that with my own face (I had FFS on Sept. 15th with Dr. Zukowski).
~Terri
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on October 02, 2016, 09:47:31 AM
I am pretty happy with my forehead and orbital work. The fat graphs I was told will take 2 months to deflate and reflate. So I need to hold judgement. My upper lip is regaining feeling. Drinking with a straw needs to be done on the side of my mouth now because I can not get suction if the straw in in the center of my lips. I am really glad I had the lower, mid and blethoplasty face lift. My jaws are still swollen so I hope that works out. I really wanted my jowls to be flush. Right now they are not and I am not happy about that. My eyes are more almond now than before which is ok. My skin looks good. When I eat my mouth gets sore. I still have a lot of stiches in my mouth and behind my head. I do not look pretty. I look like my old self without the male features :(.
When I got home from Boston I sat on the edge of my bed and tears just came rolling down my face. One week later and I am disappointed but still have some optimism. If the jowls go away I will be much happier. Still not pretty but happier. If not I will get that corrected.
I have GCS and a BA in 6 weeks. I need a graph for GCS. Dr. McGinn pointed to an area above where my penis is and said you are lucky you have extra skin there ( a benefit from at one time weighing 327 pounds and now 200). She said a complication would be if the graph dies. Then she said but I think I can do it. What would happen if the graph died? The question rang in my head but I did not ask the question. I think I can do it was said in a confident way but still. I guess complications can happen with any operation. Perhaps she said that so it would be in the consultation notes and it was discussed.
I know now that opioids give me an acid stomach. So anti-acids are a must. I just sleep on opioids. I lost two days when in the hospital in Boston. Also, I was in a fog for 1.5 weeks after the operation. Was it the anesthesia or opioids or both.
Please don't despair. I have had some similar experiences, so I know how tough it is. I think a lot of girls make these laundry lists of all the procedures they want, and kind of gloss over how difficult recovery can be. I fell into that trap, I think.
I also had a fat graft to my upper lip as well as upper lip reduction, and for several days it was hard to even keep my mouth closed. I looked like a squirrel. Straws are still difficult for me to use.
I would say out of all the procedures I had done, the chin contouring/face/neck lift was the most persistently painful/uncomfortable. The pain around my ears made it impossible to sleep without narcotic pain meds. Last night (day 16) was the first time I didn't have to use my Vicodin to get to sleep. I have to wear a compression garment around my face 16 hours a day, and sleep, or even laying my head on a pillow, has been uncomfortable. The drum-tight feeling in my throat is weird and I'm constantly aware of it.
I have the same problem with the sutures in my mouth. Eating solid food tires my jaw, and I hate the feeling of trapped food around the sutures. I ate almost nothing for the first few days, and slowly graduated to a lot soup and smoothies, lol. I lost over 15 pounds the first two weeks.
Unfortunately, swelling around the neck and jaw is the last to resolve. I have a very square face right now, and it's certainly not the look I was going for. I was told it will take a couple of months or more before I see noticeable improvement. However, my face already looks decidedly feminine, without any makeup, and that was the whole point.
Hang in there, girl. You're doing so much so soon it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed sometimes. It took me about two weeks to feel like a normal person, and I still don't have a lot of stamina.
With kindness,
Terri
Hi Terri, thank you very much, That puts my fears at bay. I too am swollen on my mandible/chin area. If that went down then I could see how my face overall looked. Presently, my upper face looks feminine.
Today I found a staple left behind while at work. I told one of my staff. He appeared back in a few minutes and sniped the staple in half. When removing the 1st half of the staple. I said it hurt. He said shut up and keep your head still. Well the staple was removed.
Today is the end of the 90 day cooling off period for divorce. My wife just gave me the two papers to sign to be sent to the court requesting divorce after the 90 day cooling off period. I signed them and now it is just a matter of time and I will be divorced. That was part 5 of 5.
Dr McGunn's office sent in the form to Aetna on 9/30 without the out of network provider form. Which means 70% is covered until the annual $2500 deductible is met. I would exceed that even with the 10% in network so I guess they accepted the cardiac assessment and I am set. Now I need to get the certified checks made.
I went to the therapist today but not group.
I had FFS and look feminine. I feel that I do not fit anywhere. Not at work, home or in our community. When I had FFS I thought I would feel more like I fit in, in community and at work (home is a lost cause). I still feel distant and not like the others. FFS did not help me to feel better about who I am. I do feel better that I am more aligned. I would do it again; I would just know it does not change how I feel about myself.
My therapist said I have many years not liking my body and I need to spend time looking at myself in the morning and night and reinforce positives about my face. I told my therapist I would go to group but I knew I was going to go home and not group. I just do not fit there. Going to group will not make me fit it. I want to go to group. I have friends there but I do not fit.
I am working Outfest in Philly Sunday. I have a hairpiece consult this Saturday and next Saturday. The work event is next Saturday. I think I will get my brows professionally done.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Note to self, do not cry after FFS.
It's true, transitioning will not solve deeply rooted self esteem issues. OTOH, not transitioning when you have dysphoria does not exactly make you feel better about yourself. I'm on anti-depressants, fairly low dose, and expect to be for a while. I was made to feel bad and ashamed since childhood for being who I am so that's a lot of damage to overcome.
I never expected the surgeries I had to make me fit in better and if I were to have FFS, I wouldn't expect that to change things. I learned in my group the way you fit in is by doing it. I attended ever group meeting and I was comfortable with any and all of the group members. After surgery, we became interested in trap and talking with the other shooters opened up my world a bit more. Donna decided to start vending and she need slave labor. I may have got the best of it because over the period of a week, I would have discussions with hundreds if not thousands of people. That broke down any remaining discomfort of dealing with others in public.
My advice to you is attend the group, move around in the community and attend the Outfest but plan on having fun and meeting people. Just like coming out, it will be difficult at first but the more you do it, the easer it will become. Do not crawl into a hole and hide from the world as that would be the opposite of what you desire.
Hi Rachel,
You know I had FFS and it was not terribly satisfying (at least yet). I would say, first off, don't panic. You have every right to have an adjustment period mentally. Give yourself a little room for things to work out. I suspect you are very tired after what you went through. You also have to be aware that after surgery you can get a bit down. I did. You will bounce back. Don't overthink it at this point. You know we are all with you Hon!
Moni
Anxietydisorder3r, thank you for your support. I am on anti-depressants too. Dysphoria, I wish I never had it.
Dena, thank you for your support. I definitely will be at Outfest. I am working a table for work and I love to walk around during the event. There is so much to see and lots of people I know. Work has been great. Many woman smile say good morning and hello and even guys say hi and good morning. It is an odd feeling. Before transition I was invisible. After coming out and expressing many people greeted me every day. Now there are so many people it is a bit overwhelming.
Monica, thank you for your support. I am sorry there issues with the FFS. I hope the doctor makes good on the procedures.
I should have stayed out from work 2 weeks after the operation. I definitely was exhausted after work. I am hoping the swelling in my jaw goes down and I have a nice taper. I am satisfied so far allowing for additional jaw swelling to go down.
I really want a male partner. I want to be attractive and have someone love me for being myself. "I want to fit in". I guess at work things will settle down and I will just be like everyone else when people lose their attention and find something else to focus on. It is definitely unnerving to receive so much attention. My friends, I hope will treat me as myself and not different. I will find out next week at group.
I will get a hair piece or wig this week or next. Time for some light makeup.
My therapist said 90% of attraction is about confidence. It is about what you are thinking when you look at the other person and how you look at them. 10% is about looks. I need to fake it till I make it (Amy Cutty).
I had a dream that I would wake up and I wasn't transgender, that being trans was a dream because it's so weird, having a rare condition like this doesn't seem like me, I'm so ordinary.
I've been like this my whole life but I guess in my mind, this is not me!
Hi AnxietyDisorder3r, thank you for your support.
Tonight my daughter said some things about my transition. She said my face is one thing (meaning FFS was not as big of an issue) but if I have more things done like boobs or other things then it is not fair. Then she said, Mom is not lesbian and should not be married to a woman. She said I know you need to be yourself but it is not fair we are in the same house. I said the divorce decree will arrive this week or next and then we are not married. I did not share her mother is dragging her feet in not allowing an appraiser to come and appraise the house. We later agreed it can be done next week.
I will need to share the time line for my GCS and BA. It is known I will do it but the date is unknown. I will share that later this week with my wife / ex-wife. I will be at my sisters Thanksgiving week after GCS/BA. I guess my wife then could have her sister over for thanksgiving dinner since I will not be home.
Hi Rachel,
I get the feeling your daughter is still hoping you and your ex will reconcile. It would not be surprising. I don't know but as long as you haven't had the surgery, she may figure there is hope for that to happen. I hope at some point she will understand your situation better.
Moni
Hi Monica, I think my daughter wants me to postpone my surgical procedures until my wife buys a condo and moves out. They are too uncomfortable to see me.
I received a call from Papillion on the way home from work. They recommend I pay the anesthesia and Hospital up front because it is discounted; then have my insurance reimburse me. Aetna already sent me a letter (received yesterday) that the GCS and BA is covered.
I have not received the divorce decree in the mail yet?
I get my wig fitted and cut tomorrow. I will also have them do my eyebrows. I have makeup for the work event tomorrow. I will wear a dress for the first time :) .
I worked the Outfest event in the Gayborhood last Saturday. It was nice.
Last night I went to Group. I am so glad I did. There are some really nice and supportive people there. I shared after FFS I dumped the oxi in the toilet and did not take any. Also, I explained I had impulses to take the 40 pills at once. I was looking at that bottle off and on for 5 days. I wrestled with which way to go. I came to the conclusion I really want to live. I am starting to get excited with being me. Although my life will be much different and I am now challenged to find avenues to find someone that will love me for me. I really think if could work out pretty well.
I am starting to get excited for the BA/GCS.
I went to my therapists and group tonight.
My ex/wife knows I will have a GCS and BA but not when. I will tell her tomorrow. I am stressed out about it and ate a lot today.
I will be at my sisters for a week and she wants me to stay 2 weeks, It will be through Thanksgiving. My ex/wife will have our daughter for company.
I am not afraid ( of just a little ) of GCS or BA I feel something else. It is an odd feeling I can not place. It is an uneasiness. I really do not look forward to recovery and the pain. I am apprehensive about going back to work after. I feel shy about guys looking at my breasts.
It's time to girl up and be strong. Like so many before you, you can do it. After GCS you will know you are vulnerable, this is part of life for a woman and we live with it. After BA you are likely to find men talk to your breasts instead of your face. Again we live with it, and with our opinions not being as important as they used to be.
You don't need to flaunt your breasts, but don't be ashamed of them. You are a woman and you can be proud of that. There are many successful women in a man's world and you will be one of them.
Does your ex need to know when you are having the procedures? Or could you just tell her afterwards?
Hi Mary, thank you for the support. My ex still lives with me. I can not just go missing for 2 or 3 weeks. I am stressing over this. I should tell her tonight.
I know I need to be strong but it is easier said than done. Being cis or trans has nothing to do about being confident and secure to the point I can just explain what is going on.
Ah, sorry - you must have said your ex lives with you already but I had forgotten. You do have people here, and I hope local to you, who will support you.
You might have to fall back on "I need to do this to stay alive".
Rachel,
You are looking at an adjustment period like you have never experienced. Of course you are a bit uneasy. I might suggest that you mentally block off a chuck of time after surgery, and call it adjustment time or something. It really is a time that is different than how the rest of your life will go. Give yourself time to adjust without a whole lot of conclusion making. It is a time with circumstances that won't last, so why stress it. Take the pressure off so you can start to enjoy your wonderful new body. On the flip side, try to enjoy this time where you can. It is an amazing change that you will never experience again. I look back on my FFS and despite the painful parts, it was quite cool to experience.
Moni
Hi Mary, I am hoping she just accepts it. I think she will be a little upset but we are divorced and I really need to be me. I have been wanting this for so long. If I postponed it would be crushing. I definitely will lean on the people hear if needed. Thank you for your support.
Hi Monica, I would do FFS again in a heart beat. I would bring anti-acids and that Sunday would not have been so horrible ( I will bring anti-acids for GCS). When I took off the bandages I really wish someone was there with me, that was really tough (FrankenRachel). I am starting to like my face and the male face is gone, finally. You are right GCS/BA will be a wonderful experience of a lifetime. CIS will never experience the change.
I have most of my supplies for GCS or they are on order. I still need to pick up the sitz bath insert for the toilet. Walgreens had a bunch but I had gotten enough stuff yesterday. I figured I would recheck my list and get the remainder next week.
I purchased pads for myself for the first time :)
I ordered the #3 and #4 dilator form soul source. Dr. McGinn provided the first two. I ordered 12 tubes of surgilube water base from Amazon.
Question, what size sports bra should I get for after the BA? I will be a full C 39 inch under breast. 550 cc implants.
After my daughter goes back to school I will discuss the surgery date with my ex wife.
You will probably need an XL for the sports bra. I am a 38A (37 inches under bust) and I wear a large.
Sounds like you'll be a 40C, probably need a 2X.
Carly and Steph, thank you and I think I will order one of each and return one that does not fit :)
I told ( reminded) my wife last night of the GCS and BA date. All she said was you look like a freak and will look more freaky. I do not know why that was so so hard.
20 days till GCS. 6 days till no more E and P for 4 weeks. 19 more days till no more spiro for life. I have wanted to be correct since I was little. So many tears and so much pain over the years. It just does not feel real. It is like being in a dream. Everyone at work is supportive which is something I never expected. How can this be reality? How could I have gotten things so wrong? I was told by a friend in HR that 4 years ago this would never have happened, we have a new COO and she heads the diversity group. I will not take what has happened for granted.
I'm about a 40 A and an XL is really tight. Check with the surgeon to see how tight the bra needs to be. Immediately post op, I'm guessing an XL, which will be pretty darned tight, would be very uncomfortable.
Wow, this sounds really momentous and emotional for you. Sorry to hear your ex is still trying to cut you down. Apparently everything in your life is all about how it makes HER feel. What a negative person. Savor the good parts of this process. It was so freeing for me when I got top surgery. I couldn't have done it without my wife's help and support, though. I had put it off so long I had close to an emotional meltdown trying to set the surgery up.
I find it so silly they make you stop hormones before surgery. I could see if one set of hormones or the other was stopped, but sooner or later some physician will recommend stopping any exogenous hormone. So T is so terrible ... but E is so terrible. Seems like transphobia not science. My GP didn't make me stop T for my surgery and ... nothing happened! (I did of course stop aspirin and all similar drugs.)
Estrogen increases blood clotting which is kind of a good thing for me. Without it I leak all over the place if I get a cut. With it my bleeding is more controlled.
Hi Steph, that is a god idea. I have a pre-op on 9/14 and I will ask. I can order it and have it shipped to my sisters where I will be staying when I get out of the hospitals.
Hi AnxietyDisorder3r, I asked a few people I really trust and my therapist today if I look like a freak and if I had breasts would I look more freaky. I got a lot of different answers. All of which were not what I wanted to hear. I came to the conclusion I am in transition and look as such; when I have breasts, hair and voice done I think I will look ok. Most importantly I will feel so much better. My wife made me put into perspective my fear. She knows freak is a trigger word for me. I am not a freak, I am in transition and look as such.
For FFS Dr. Spiegel wanted me to stay off hormones till after my flight home landed. He said the cabin pressure could cause a dvt. With GCS there is a long period of inactivity and clots could form.
Dena, thank you for your support.
I visited my trainer at the gym tonight after therapy. She is such a wonderful person. I look forward to working out.
I received the #3 and #4 dilators in the mail today from Soul Source. They cost about $50.00 each. Dr. McGinn supplies the #1 and #2 dilators. I also received a dozen tubes of Surgilube water base lubricant ( what Dr. McGinn recommends) from Amazon. It was much cheaper than buying it at a dug store.
Tuesday I have a presentation and I think I will wear my new pair of boots :)
Wednesday I am off E and P.
When I did my intake in December 2012 I never thought I would be at the point of GCS some day in the future. I was just trying to get through each day.
When I was getting dressed for work Thursday morning I thought I would wear a specific outfit that I like. I realized I could pick out any outfit I wanted, work appropriate, and wear it. I then realized there is nothing blocking my transition. I have done what at one time was impossible for me to do by myself. It took me breaking down from dysphoria to seek help. I hated myself and wanted to end the pain. When I was starting my transition I heard people say they are the same person before and after, in some ways, I am a very different person.
You are different, you are stronger and more confident. I'm sure there are a lot of us here thinking of you as you go to surgery.
*
Rachel Lynn:
You are all guts, all glory, all good.
This is your turn now.
You experienced your ups and downs, gains and losses. Yin and yang.
Four years was a long time when looking to your future and a short time looking to your past. In days, as your post-op life advances, you will be you for real.
Keep these memories always.
Your family and friends of shared experience is here. Lean on us, lean on me.
Congratulations!
*
Hi Mary, I agree I am so much stronger now compared to before. Thank you for your support.
Hi Sharon, everything you said is so true. I definitely will lean on my shared experience family. Thank you for your support.
Tomorrow is the last day for hormones for 4 weeks. I know I can go 3 weeks without hot flashed and that included spiro for FFS. I now can keep taking spiro till the day before surgery then I will never need spiro again. :) I really dislike spiro.
Other woman reported that not having gonads after GCS is a lot different than having them shut down on spiro. I guess they still produce some T? My T is below the test measure of 3 ng/dl. Time will tell.
I think I will take some tops and sweats to the hospital and even wear them at my sisters. I will bring a loser pair of jeans and perhaps a pair of shorts. My sister heats her house mostly with wood so it can get warm next to the stoves. Crazy I am stressing over cloths. I was thinking I should bring makeup and perhaps my wig. Am I off base? I will go from the hospital to my sisters and then to the follow-up appointments. When I wear my wig and light makeup I look like a different person and feel better :)
I was walking the steps this morning, 300 feet or so and thinking. First I thought wow, only 15 days away then 11 days for my last day at work. Next I thought my daughter asked when I first came out why I could not continue hiding being trans till I died. She then followed it by saying she did not believe a person can be trans ( she was 15). I wish there was a way I could explain to others how wonderful it is to be yourself or how horrible it is to hide and have T. Then I reached the top of the building and had that feeling I did it.
I wear a wig all the time. I'm slopping around at home today in scruffy clothes I wouldn't want to be seen in, but I have had my wig on all day. Two of the other women rang my bell today, collecting the money for the Christmas Dinner. They saw me scruffy, but with my wig they saw 'me'.
I had lost interest in relationships well before I had my correction, but it really changed the way I related to men. I went rather quickly from a sort of male confidence to female vulnerability. I also went from having no interest in men to seriously considering finding a boyfriend. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be feasible at my age.
Thanks, I will bring the wig!
Guys, I would really like to meet an nice person. When appropriate I will join a bunch of groups in search of fun, common interests and a possible companion.
Rachel,
Somebody will be lucky to be with you Rachel.
You talked about your daughter not understanding why you couldn't hide forever. I thought of a good analogy the other day. It goes like this. I would ask," If you had a toothache that bothered you for a long, long time and it caused you great pain, would you go to the dentist and fix it or live with the pain forever? I'm thinking you wouldn't live with it!"
Speaking generally, until people step into the transgender simulator and experience what it is like, they have no right to judge us. I am hoping in your daughters case, that the fussing about it stage will give way to acceptance with a little time. It will be the new reality. Some folks take more time than others to come to terms with that. Stay strong!
Moni
PS Thanks for the congrats!
Hi Monica, I like your analogy and I think I will use it. Again, I am very happy for you :)
I took my last dose of E and P for a month tonight. I will reread my GCS/BA instructions tonight and double check my shopping list. This weekend I will shop for the remaining items.
I had my blood redrawn for white blood count Friday. Papillion called and when my blood panel was taken my WBC was high and they want to make sure the WBC is normal. They said it is not an issue with gcs but it is an issue with a BA. I will call and see it everything is ok.
When I contacted Aetna to make sure I was pre-approved for the BA and GCS. The reply from my handler was I was approved for the GCS and one day hospital stay. I copied his reply in my reply and asked if I was approved for the BA and that I wanted to appeal the one day stay. I copied my HR representative on the E-Mail. The Aetna handler copied what Dr. McGinn wrote and said that is all she requested. She did not request one day. I called Papillion and was told it is an AETNA protocol and the hospital will call when I have the GCS/BA and have the days increased to three.
My issue is he copied my HR representative and copied an excerpt of what Dr. McGinn wrote with respect to the GCS which one part said to correct a intersexed condition and then some cpt codes. He then said the BA is covered by work(where I work includes BA not Aetna). I feel really embarrassed and avoided my HR representative when he was in the office suite. I really wish the Aetna handler got his facts straight and did not copy others on my medical information. Sending my HR rep what the Aetna guy said is a whole lot different than the Aetna guy sharing my medical information. I do not want to make any waves and just want they surgery over with at this point.
Apprehensions
Technical difficulty. (When McGinn examined me she sat back and said I think I can do it. Then explained the difficulty)
Infection
dilating
pain
pain meds
The 1st day back at work
Excitement
Being as I see and feel I am.
Rachel,
I have Aetna and everything I read said no coverage for BA. I know you have a different coverage with where you work, correct? I got the feeling that experience has taught McGinn to be very upfront with potential problems. I like this honesty actually. If she thought she couldn't have a real good chance of success, don't you think she would have been forceful in steering you away from the surgery? She pointed out my previous hernia surgery as a potential problem for blood flow. She then went on to say that it was still doable. I felt like she was saying, "You are an adult, you should know everything I (she) sees and that is how you need to decide whether to go forward." If she was really pessimistic, she would express it. What you think?
Moni
Hi Monica,
I agree Dr. McGinn is upfront, direct and very sincere. I too like her way of presenting information and giving the positives and negatives. I was surprised when she said that though. I will share the details of the surgery when it occurs and the results so others who are similar can get an idea of what to expect. I heal extremely well so I am hoping all is well.
Aetna manages works additional benefit scope. Where I work is very progressive.
I am comfortable sharing my personal information with my community. I am not at all comfortable sharing with cis gender people that have no reference and judge others based on ignorance. This HR person was shaken when I told him I was trans years ago. He kept his distance and did what was necessary. Now I feel awkward around him. I will bring the subject up the next time I see him in an indirect way to gauge his reaction. Most likely he does not know what the difference is between T and I in LGBTQI and I am just too sensitive.
The Aetna handler will get a polite message with from me with some constructive suggestions when all the procedures are done. I am sure it is a learning experience for him and he is very nice.
My boss stopped by my office today. He made a comment that I am really going at this rather quickly, one surgery after another. I said I have a 3 year limit on my trans benefits and I needed 1 year for RLE and it took 9 months for a FFS (not covered) date. He said really, the benefits expire?
All is well and I am excited :)
Oh, I got invited to a bridal jewelry show in January being hosted by a friend at work, way cool :) that made my week.
Rachel,
You can bet I will be soaking up what you have to say. Hopefully you will do great and feel like posting rather than it being a chore. I guess we should really expect the majority of the people we deal with are clueless about trans issues. I recently called Aetna and they had no understanding what so ever. That is before they hung up on me twice after misgendering me continuously.
Take care!
Moni
Hi Monica, I sent you a PM with the e-mail of the Aetna person I use. I think he can help.
Thursday I went to my therapist and group.
My therapist asked how I was feeling about the upcoming BA and GCS and was I excited. I said I am excited but it does not seam real. The 15th it will be real, right now I am getting prepared and reading / listening to a lot of others experiences to the point it is getting a bit repetitious. I said it was like my FFS. I am excited but want it done now. I want it over with, healed and moved on.
I unpacked the dozen surgilube and #3 and #4 dilators and put them with my GCS supplies.
My sister is funny. She initially said she would be with me in Hew Hope. Then to stay at her house which is close to New Hope. She said I will be there for you in the Hospital. She said last night she would drop me off at the hospital and pick me up on Friday. My sister does not work. Anyhow, I appreciate what she is doing.
PS, I shaved today for the operation next week :)
I received am e-mail today from benefits. Our board voted to remove the 3 year limit on trans benefits after gender identity change (coming out and expressing). When in Boston after FFS Benefits called me with reference to my GCS/BA. I explained to her the issues with getting all the procedures done within 3 years. She thanked me for letting her know how the time limit posed a significant burdened on the patient. I think my transition in public has educated others at work on the difficulties and issues with transition.
FFS- I had FFS 9/16/2016. I was depressed after the surgery and did not realize what was going on. Staring at a bottle of oxi for 5 days and then flushing it should have been a cue. I really thought I looked like FrankenRachel and I was really unhappy with the way I looked. Fast forward 7 weeks and I am pretty happy with the FFS with the exception of the jowls which I was told will look fine in 5 more weeks when my mandible and chin heal. The mandible and chin are still healing and they remind me of such often.
After FFS I had serious hesitation about going through with GCS/BA. The third day after FFS in the hotel without taking any food, water or pain meds was tough. The pain was really bad and I threw up all day and into the night. I had dry heaves and my head throbbed with pain. I eventually fell asleep and awoke feeling much better and the pain was manageable. I dreamed I was calling to my Mom, I was young, and she came to me with ginger ale and toasted buttered and jellied bread. This is what I would eat when I was young and sick. Anyhow, I felt ok that next day until I took off the bandages and cried. I was not prepared on what I was about to see. I had no idea my face meant so much to me. I hated the male features for so long I guess I stopped feeling.
Now I am very glad I had FFS and my apprehension for BA/GCS is gone. I feel 1/3 excited, 1/3 scared and 1/3 trying to resolve the pain from a lifetime with a penis and gonads.
I had a call from Lower Bucks Hospital today and did a pre-registration. :)
One week to go.
Rachel,
You are making a difference for others. You are becoming yourself. You are pretty awesome! Glad you have turned the corner in the thought process with the FFS.
I am nervous for you with what is coming, but once you get through it, there will be no stopping you girl.
Moni
Monica, thank you for the kind words. I will try to post every day and provide some value to others with the experience. I am getting excited :) In a few short days the State of PA and the USA government will recognize me as female.
Today was my last work day for 8 weeks. I called the FMLA work hotline and informed them of this.
Sunday starts the liquid diet and Monday starts the clear liquid diet.
Monday I have an AM meeting at Papillion for signing of papers then a PM meeting for the house appraisal.
Monday night is the magnesium citrate bowl prep. Tuesday AM early is a fleets enema prior to going to the hospital.
Tuesday early AM my sister picks me up and I put my suitcase in her car for the stay at her house. I will take a carry on to the hospital and my laptop.
I went to therapy and group Thursday.
Therapy, my therapist listens to me and last night she said something about how I try to buy love from my wife. I had paid for a trip to New Orleans for my wife and daughter. She is 100% correct. I need to let go.
I found out yesterday the 90 day cooling off form is stuck in the porthogonary's office because a follow-up form was not submitted. I told my wife this and she said she would handle it.
Best,
Rachel
I just had my last solid food. Tomorrow I can have protein drinks and fluids. Monday is clear liquids.
I am excited to finally have GCS. The butterfly is very close to the flower :)
You are nearly there - you will have many people here thinking of you.
Best wishes!
Thank you Mary.
Rachel,
I am "over the top" excited for you. Remember, rest is the number one priority after surgery, so behave yourself okay?
Moni
Thank you Monica, I definitely will rest.
I am packing today and cleaning the house.
Best of luck, Rachel! I'm an avid follower of this thread =)
Rachael,
You will do well. She is the best. It's been a long time comming. It's time.
Hugs,
Jen
Best wishes, Rachel!
Hello Fresas con Nata, Jennifer and Steph Eigen. Thank you for your support and good wishes.
I just got back from Papillion for my Pre-Op meeting. I signed the forms and learned that my BA will be on Wednesday. This is because I added the BA after I scheduled the GCS and they did not have any additional OR time that day.
After I signed the paperwork Dr. McGinn examined me again with her new PA-c. She said it again, "I think I can do this and I do not want to alarm you" then she went into detail. I once was 327 pounds and lost 127 pounds. I lost weight all over and I have extra fat in the mons pubis. She said she will remove the fat and some skin to flatten me. She said there will be a more swelling due to that. She then looked at my penis and said when you wake up I may have to split you because you may not be able to dilate. We will know in the operating room. I already knew I was getting a graph. She really pulled on my skin to see how much it stretches.
So it is day 2 no food. Tuesday will be day 3 and Wednesday may be day 4, unless I get something to eat later in the day.
Bowl prep tonight and I was told to drink a lot of water just before midnight. I asked how much and I was told shoot for a gallon. So I guess no sleep tonight as I will be peeing all night.
I am sure everything will be ok.
My ex-wife got really angry with me last night. She said she is in a lot of pain because of me and she has no one to talk to about it. She will not tell her sister or friends or work friends. I said she should see a therapist. Then she got angry saying tell me what a therapist will do for me. I said I did not want to discuss it with her. She got up and came over to me where I was sitting in front of the computer. She was cursing and pulled my hair. Then started to throw punches and tried to hit my gonads. Then she threw a bottle of water and hit the side of my forehead, just after she threw the computer monitor at me. She did not hit where my type 3 work was done and the monitor will need to get replaced. She stopped when I threatened to call the cops. She later apologized.
Rachel so sorry to hear that happened. I hope all goes well with your surgery. She is basically in that fight stage right now. There isn't much you can do but ride it out, but don't let her hurt you while she does. I hope all turns out well in the end. Hugs
Mariah
Rachel, I'm so sorry to hear of that assault. She desperately needs to see a therapist. I was glad to read that you would be staying at your sister's house after surgery, which sounds like a much safer place for you.
These surgeries sound so complex when looking into the details, but it is great to read that Dr McGinn is being so straight with you about the details and complexity of all this. With her care I bet you'll come out of the whole experience just fine.
We'll all be thinking of you, and wishing you the very best possible results!
Mariah and Michelle, thank you for the good wishes and support, it means a lot to me.
1/2 the bowl prep is over with :)
I agree, Dr. McGinn is very good and upfront and lays it all out. I have to be at the hospital at 6:00 A.M. tomorrow and the operation is at 7:30 A.M.
My ex-wife sometimes gets really upset. Sometimes she gets physical. Her face changes and she gets aggressive. I don't get mad at her, instead I feel bad for her. She was fine this morning.
Rachel,
You have the patience of a saint. I am glad you will distance yourself from that type of treatment and attitude. I have been thinking of you all day and will tomorrow and Wednesday. It gives you more time to heal with the GCS surgery while you are unconscious with the BA surgery. A win-win? lol
Moni
Did I mention, you are amazing?
Hi Monica, thank you for your support and kind words. It does mean a lot.
I drank the bowl prep and I am drinking water so it will work. So far it has not worked. I really hope I do not have to go get more. I need to take a shower with hibiclens soap next.
I just remembered, when I was at Papillion being examined by Dr. McGinn and her new PA-c I had to drop my jeans. The both said oh now I remember you. I have 3 large tattoos and they commented on them. For a while I wondered why they did not recognize me, she examined me 5 times and the PA-c was there twice. Then I remembered I had FFS and I look very different :)
Best of luck on the big day!
-Steph
Thank you Steph.
Tuesday at about 6am I had blood drawn and passed out. I was admitted to the ed. I was throwing up. At 8 am they took me into a he OR. I had stage one GCS.i was admitted to icu for 1.5 days because of low blood pressure. I missed my BA time 😩 In the OR. I could not get morphing due to low blood pressure. My heart was checked with an echo and all I s well. My sodium, potassium and calcium were low. Potassium was very low. Recovering well with little pain . I take Tylenol if pain gets bad but it has not been bad. I walked a bit today and felt strong.
Rachel
Yay, passes gas so I can get food😀😀😀.
5.5 days no food 😩
Yay, yeah I bet 5 days of no food would royally be awful. So glad you can have regular food now. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 17, 2016, 12:17:01 PM
Yay, passes gas so I can get food😀😀😀.
5.5 days no food 😩
Argh that sucks but glad your up. So what is going to happen to your BA then. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 17, 2016, 11:18:26 AM
Thank you Steph.
Tuesday at about 6am I had blood drawn and passed out. I was admitted to the ed. I was throwing up. At 8 am they took me into a he OR. I had stage one GCS.i was admitted to icu for 1.5 days because of low blood pressure. I missed my BA time 😩 In the OR. I could not get morphing due to low blood pressure. My heart was checked with an echo and all I s well. My sodium, potassium and calcium were low. Potassium was very low. Recovering well with little pain . I take Tylenol if pain gets bad but it has not been bad. I walked a bit today and felt strong.
Rachel
I've been worried about you... I guess things didn't go perfect but they went and you are whole. This is good. The BA is a minor thing. Don't worry about that.
Eat a little, rest a lot and keep us posted.
Hugs
Jen
Thank you Mariah and Jennifer for your suppirt😀
My bp after the GCS was really low. The cartiologis said I had a murmer. It turned out to be nothing . He said it was from my Heart pumping so hard Turns out my heart is just Fine .Dr Mc Ginn Said I could have the BA in 4 to 8 weeks same as stage 2 gcs. I have gcs 😀😀😀😀
That was really what I needed. BA is to fit in better. So cloths fit better and a one piece bathing suit looks good.
Some good news is my scrotum provided enough for the graph. Dr Mcginn told my sister I have plenty of depth. I will see Monday how I look. Drains stay in till monday.
I was In pain so they gave me a percoset which takes the edge off.
So glad to hear that. Yeah morphine did that to me too and they made that switch to me too although I ended up not needing it after one time which they were shocked about. I'm glad your BA can be timed then at least. I'm glad it isn't that far off in the distance now for you. Congrats though. As much the drains coming out is a milestone, trust me you will be happy when that catheter comes out. Hugs
Mariah
Rachel,
It is great to see you here posting. I wasn't expecting to see you back yet. I have been thinking about you a lot and sending positive thoughts your way. Can't wait til you are feeling better and doing stuff you like to do. Eating is a start, right?
Moni
Thank you Mariah and Monica for your support.
I know the doctors have my best interest at heart. I am a bit sad about not getting the BA. The GCS is enough to keep me busy😀 So I guess it just was not meant to be this time.
The nurses are great and the hospital is clean.
I had turkey, string beans and stuffing for dinner. Yah
I can not believe I will be dilating Monday. It feels sore. It feels like someone cut off my penis.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 17, 2016, 07:39:33 PM
I can not believe I will be dilating Monday. It feels sore. It feels like someone cut off my penis.
Have you noticed if anything is missing down there ??? ::)
Welcome to the world of Post OP :icon_bunch:
I don't comment very often. I merely read and read and read. This is the most extraordinary contribution to this forum. There is nothing quite like it. One would have to be made of stone not to be moved by your journey for it has been a tortuous path. Your courage and determination are simply remarkable. In some respects the homestretch is in sight. However, I hope you will not stop sharing the ups and downs of your life. All the best, Rachel.
congratulation :)
The first time I dilated I could feel a stitch pulling in my foreskin. Somehow the nerves get "relabeled" in the brain and pretty soon I could feel my vagina. Dilating is really tedious but it's so worth it!
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 08, 2016, 06:12:01 PM
I received am e-mail today from benefits. Our board voted to remove the 3 year limit on trans benefits after gender identity change (coming out and expressing). When in Boston after FFS Benefits called me with reference to my GCS/BA. I explained to her the issues with getting all the procedures done within 3 years. She thanked me for letting her know how the time limit posed a significant burdened on the patient. I think my transition in public has educated others at work on the difficulties and issues with transition.
That's great news! Way to go! You did good.
Hi Dena, I am so happy to be on the recovery side of GCS. Thanks for the welcome.
HI Katy, thank you for your support. I have no plans in leaving Susan's. I need to receive and give support.
Hi 1972scaredalone, thank you.
Hi Mary, thank you for your support. I will need to see how dilation treats me.
Hi Anxietydisorder3rd, thank you.
I am so glad I am out of the hospital. I am eating well and drinking fluids. I have to stand to pee by uncorking the catheter. 1st time standing for a long time 4 years ish. I have been taking the vicodin which helps. I emptied my drains which had very little blood. pain is manageable and I am able to sleep very well.
So post GCS I am very happy I had the procedure and can not wait for stage 2 and a BA.
Rachel
I think I overdid it yesterday and had some blood on the bed protector last night. So I will be laying down most of today.
I am really glad I am at my sisters. There is always something going on and she is taking good care of me. She washed my hair in the sink today and she gave me a sponge bath while I protected my GCS area with a towel. Next I emptied my drained and recorded my 4 drains which is yielding low liquid volumes. The volumes are approximately 3 to 5 cc's per day. Next I replaced the pad between my legs and bad outside my gcs hole.
I am on my back a lot but every so often I stand and walk a little bit. I have to sit first then stand next the surface I was just laying on because I get a bit dizzy fir a minute or two.
Some bleeding is normal out to a month or two but a feminine pad should be sufficient to retain it. One of the reasons for the bed pad is because you might bleed a bit more than normal. If the bleeding is excessive, check with your doctor.
As for moving around, be careful for at least the first week after surgery. Being dizzy is normal any time you have extended bed rest and you are doing the right thing by waiting until it passes before getting up.
Yeah I did that at first when having to deal with the catheter still their and then a big mess on the floor because of it going around the catheter and not just in it. So don't be surprised if at some point that occurs to you at which point finding a way to pee sitting down with the catheter still in is necessary. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 19, 2016, 09:19:13 AM
Hi Dena, I am so happy to be on the recovery side of GCS. Thanks for the welcome.
HI Katy, thank you for your support. I have no plans in leaving Susan's. I need to receive and give support.
Hi 1972scaredalone, thank you.
Hi Mary, thank you for your support. I will need to see how dilation treats me.
Hi Anxietydisorder3rd, thank you.
I am so glad I am out of the hospital. I am eating well and drinking fluids. I have to stand to pee by uncorking the catheter. 1st time standing for a long time 4 years ish. I have been taking the vicodin which helps. I emptied my drains which had very little blood. pain is manageable and I am able to sleep very well.
So post GCS I am very happy I had the procedure and can not wait for stage 2 and a BA.
Rachel
Yeah my first time on my feet I got light headed from over doing it to long. My body wasn't ready for it. Considering your blood pressure issues and your recovering from surgery it isn't surprising. Due to take it easy, but not overly so because a good amount of activity is needed over time to build strength and to help aid healing. I forgot to mention this too. Fluids are your friend so please make sure your taking plenty in because it is essential for healing and keeping infection away. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 20, 2016, 10:22:44 AM
I think I overdid it yesterday and had some blood on the bed protector last night. So I will be laying down most of today.
I am really glad I am at my sisters. There is always something going on and she is taking good care of me. She washed my hair in the sink today and she gave me a sponge bath while I protected my GCS area with a towel. Next I emptied my drained and recorded my 4 drains which is yielding low liquid volumes. The volumes are approximately 3 to 5 cc's per day. Next I replaced the pad between my legs and bad outside my gcs hole.
I am on my back a lot but every so often I stand and walk a little bit. I have to sit first then stand next the surface I was just laying on because I get a bit dizzy fir a minute or two.
Hi Dena and Mariah, your tips and suggestions are really appreciated and they help a lot, thank you.
today I had a 9:00 A.M. appointment with Dr. McGinn. I was there a few minutes early and Brianna took my sister and I to one of their exam rooms. Brianna asked me to take everything off below the waist and cover with a paper product. She came in the exam room a few minutes later and removed the 4 drains and all the exterior packing. She wanted to wait for Dr. McGinn who was a few minutes late. Dr. McGinn and Chrystal entered the room and Dr McGinn said her chickens knocked over the feeder and watering whatever. So Dr.Mc Ginn was in the room with Chrystal and Brianna, both her PA-c's. Chrystal said this is like her first procedure (Chrystal has been with Dr.McGinn since she starter her Practice in New Hope). Dr McGinn Said she thinks I am intersexed because every part of my anatomy is different and nothing is typical, even my urethra. She said it will not make a difference in your outcome. She said my penis skin was "wimpy and had no blood flow and was white". She said she did not split it but attached it to the graph hoping it would survive.
Dr. Mcginn opened up the incisions and she and her two PA's were smiling and happy and Dr. McGinn said she that was great work and I did it, or something to that effect. Dr. McGinn stitched my labia up.
Dr. McGinn and Brianna reinserted a new catheter and Brianna showed me how to dilate and that I am to dilate, as per Dr. McGinn, 3 times a day not the 5 times a day due to the sensitivity of the graph.
When she showed me how to dilate I saw my vagina and was a bit taken back. I am 5 inches in depth. I finally have an anatomy that is "normal". I dilated once since then and even though it looks all stitched and raw it is mine and I am happy. My older sister said as we were driving home, I definitely have a sister now, no question about it.
I almost forgot. Dr. McGinn said I know you are concerned about your BA and we really need to have your GCS heal because you are now introducing bacteria into your body when you dilate and your implants will find the bacteria or the bacteria will find the implants and and it will not be a good outcome. I can fit you in when your GCS is healed and it is a procedure that can happen on a Wednesday and be back to work on a Monday.
They also discussed my blood pressure and how I must be one of those people that just has low blood pressure. The cardiologist said your hart is fine.
I just starting reading this thread (blog 😀) thanks for everything. It's wonderful. Please consider turning it in to a book or maybe a short/, long story from start to finish. Your journey is very interesting and helpful.
I'm glad you like McGinn. I saw a piece on TV about 6 months ago about her and she became my instant hero and idol.
I'm also glad everything is going so well.
Hugs from the Midwest.
- Denise
Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk
Hi Denise, thank you for you kind words and support. There are things people do not know about Dr. McGinn. An example is when the Whitehall Baptist Church picketed outside the Mazzoni Center ( they treat many thousands of trans including me) during the Democratic National Convention this summer. She sponsored the counter protest. There were so many trans on the Mazzoni side of the sidewalk and we made so much noise they got discouraged and left early.
I showered after my last dilation and it felt awesome. I was told to not put water into or put my fingers inside my vagina to clean it. I was told to just allow water to flow onto the front of my tummy area and let it run down.
I forgot to mention Dr. McGinn did not use the speculum today and wanted to delay that until the appointment on Thanksgiving. I am restricted to bed rest still. I am tired of laying down.
Rachel,
What is the hardest part of laying down so much? Is it the tailbone? Do you have to lay in one position or can you shift around pretty good? I am picturing the laying in one position as being harder than dealing with the pain. You know why I am asking. :)
Moni
Hi Monica, when I was in the OR I woke with an awful lower back pain. it was really painful. Dr McGinn did not want to administer any morphine. She then allowed 1cc which did nothing. Then another 1cc of morphine which took the edge off. I asked to have my back raised and there was a lot of discussion about blood pressure and raising my back. Anyhow, they raised my back and he pain immediately went away and my blood pressure went up. then back to where it was previously. GCS was a zero pain and concern.
in the PACU for half a day I was not really thinking about my GCS. I had to have my legs positioned a certain way and feet straight up because if the graph and being stitched closed and not to put shear stress on the stitches, as I was told. In the PACU my hands and arms were cold and had pins and needles. Because of the low blood pressure. It went to 57 over 40 and they were worried. I had really low potassium and low sodium, calcium and magnesium.
I was moved to ICU for a Day and a half. I was given minerals IV. Potassium really hurts. During the potassium mixed with IV injection which was 8 hours for the two bags. I could only think of the IV. I had ice on my arm and again GCS and leg position was not a concern. My blood pressure went to 90-98 to 52-60. They were not happy but realized that was normal for me. Brianna from Dr. Mc Ginn's office came to see me in ICU. She mentioned my feet needed to be a little more vertical. I tried to keep them vertical but it was difficult and I just had them on an angle.
I was moved to the 4th floor for a day and a half where Dr. McGinn's patients are sent too. Dr. Leis's patients are sent to the third floor. There I walked 2 times with a walker and on Friday without a walker. There time slowed down and being in bed seamed forever. I was finally able to eat solid food for two meals but I stopped pain meds and threw up my last meal there. My back was fine but being in the same position really gets old. The only thing I could do is raise and lower the bed for my back and watch TV. My Back did not hurt but it was just boredom. You get to see the Butterfly florescent light cover which is nicer than the regular light cover. It gets that boring.
I went to my sisters but I was not told I could not have caffeine or sit for eating (I has one diet soda). I laid in a recliner or a sofa or bed. So I have plenty of variety of scenery and things to watch. I am by a wood stove right now on a leather sofa looking out their back. Prior to being opened up at Dr. McGinns yesterday it was very painful to sit and eat (I was not supposed to do that) and getting up and down was painful and getting stuff off the floor was very painful. Again I was not supposed to do that and I did not know.
After yesterdays appointment I am a new woman all the pain from moving around is gone. I am allowed to sit when I eat. Dilating which I thought would be painful is not. I was told that later there will be swelling but as of yet there is no swelling to speak of.
So laying in a bed can get tedious but when you have distractions and change of scenery it helps. Also typing on Susan's helps too :) I am board and really want to do something different.
I really miss my walks at night and walking steps at work. I walk 5 plus miles a day and really miss not walking. I love my walks in the park on Saturday and Sunday and working out in the gym. It is all worth it and relative.
Keep going Rachel, you are doing well! I found dilation quite uncomfortable, specially at first, but not painful. Later it's more tedious. I do feel you are an encouragement to the sisters who are yet to have the procedure.
Hi Mary, thanks. Dilating, I am super carful to do it exactly the way I was shown. I am worried I will damage something especially my graph. Dilating feels odd, not good or bad or painful just different. There is just a minor amount of pain at the end of where the dilator touches.
That was my concern and Dena was like you can do it harder than that, but in the end I think we all agreed that being more careful was the safer route. So much better to go slow and steady tell your body adjusts than hurried and injuring something. It's normal for that minor amount of pain and every time you increase sizes it will reoccur i have noticed so far. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 22, 2016, 09:03:32 AM
Hi Mary, thanks. Dilating, I am super carful to do it exactly the way I was shown. I am worried I will damage something especially my graph. Dilating feels odd, not good or bad or painful just different. There is just a minor amount of pain at the end of where the dilator touches.
Hi Mariah, Congratulations on Senior Global Moderator. Thank you for your support. I agree, I will continue to dilate as I was directed to. They had a specific concerne to not pull the dilator out and create a vacuum and damage the graft.
I forgot to mention yesterday but I started bowl movements again. The important thing is to slowly sit on the seat and not to put a separating force. I did that and when I wiped there was some fresh blood where the skin opened up a little. It healed over today and today I did not have that issue again.
My clitoris is exposed so I was told to put a pad under the catheter line and tape it so it does not cut off circulation to the clitoris. Today I have a little swelling of the area around the clitoris, which was expected.
I can feel a bump where they put the excess nerve bundle in the mons pubis. It is a little bit sore to the touch and when I move.
I am feeling stronger today and look forward to my appointment with Dr.McGinn tomorrow. I want the catheter out and hope it goes away tomorrow.
Thanks and your welcome. It will be out before you know it. You don't want it out to soon because it is helping you heal and keeping things protected against all the work that has been done. Hugs
Mariah
Rachel Lynn, you really strike me as an overachiever and it seems like enforced inactivity is like torture for you. Hopefully you can get some work done on your computer soon and still let stuff heal? Sorry to hear about the blood pressure drama because that sounds like no fun at all.
How did you feel when the doctor said they thought you were intersex? I feel like it would be such a mental relief if a doctor were to tell me I'm intersex. At this point I'm completely convinced I'm not. Intersex traits of some degree are very common in the FTM community so I feel somewhat weird and left out and sometimes wonder why this happened to me. I tried so long to be happy as a masculine woman but it was only half a life.
Hi Anxietyisorder3rd, thank you for your support.
How I feel about being intersex? I was emotional when in private and when I spoke to my therapist yesterday. The feeling I had about having the wrong genitals was very strong and I cried many of nights but I have heard that from many trans too. I now had the answer I was looking for for so many years. My therapist said something I do not understand and may have been a bit insensitive. She said the feeling you were having was not because there was anything wrong with your brain it was because of how you are. I think she then said something that was confusing and insensitive. I know she did not mean what she said and she was trying to console me. Most likely I did not remember it correctly. I am not going to put what she said here but I am confused about it.
When I first went to Mazzoni (my primary care that treats many thousands of trans) I asked my PA-c. Dusty said if you are it does not change anything. What difference would it make? I too at that time thought like you. It would explain everything and I could use it as a reason for being the way I am. Since then I accepted myself and after the initial shock it is of little meaning at this stage of my transition. I am comfortable with who I am. It really does not change anything. Dusty is right.
There are physical as well and mental differences that are associated with being intersex. Most likely I am mosaic. Anyhow, there are things that are typical that intersex people share. I have all those xxy similar mental similarities. It is what makes me me. You have to take the whole and it is not just anotomy related.
I saw Dr. McGinn today(thanksgiving) in her office. I still am on bed rest and have a catheter. During the visit she said she is not going to open me up on the bottom yet. I wonder if that is going to happen at my next appointment on Monday? She gave me a beautiful butterfly wing necklace that all the GCS patients receive. I am wearing it now. At the Giant by Dr. McGinn's office I picked up a tray off mixed cookies and two boxes of chocolate covered pretzels. She had just herself in the office and two of her children. She put them in the office with her children and they were having a ball.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Rachel
I am back home. I see DR. McGinn again om Monday. I did not have the penile inversion method because my penile skin was not long, would need to be split to get a dilator through and it turned white from lack of blood flow. I have a graph from my scrotum and the sight is very different than any I have seen and not complete. I have been taking pictures of the area each day since Monday when I was opened up. I do not know if it will help someone else or where to post all the pictures when the procedures are finally done.
When I look at my vagina I can not help but think it is a project in process and to remain calm. The nerve bundle is sore. When I mentioned the nerve bundle is very sensitive to Dr. Mcginn Monday she said oh yeah.
Dilation is becoming a routine.
My vaginal area was getting a whitish color so I did not wear underwear or a pad last night and that helped heaps. So today I am also not wearing anything under the covers. I am on a chuck so there is no messy issues.
If anyone knows if wearing a pad after dilating and having that area wet for prolonged times is wrong or if wearing nothing to dry out the area is the right thing to do then please let me know.
best,
Rachel
I wore a pad for a couple of months after surgery to catch the mess as there was bleeding and pus for a couple of months after surgery that I didn't want on my clothes. I change the pads when ever they started to get moist so the area remained dry. Sleeping without a pad would be ok if you don't have a problem with the mess however it comes down to whatever works for you.
Rachel Lynn. keeping the area dry the best you can, is the best in the long run, better and faster healing.
Rachel Lynn it takes time. The color of mine has improved over time and yours will too as it heals. Still the pads will help keep you dry and clean which is very important. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 25, 2016, 01:30:11 PM
I am back home. I see DR. McGinn again om Monday. I did not have the penile inversion method because my penile skin was not long, would need to be split to get a dilator through and it turned white from lack of blood flow. I have a graph from my scrotum and the sight is very different than any I have seen and not complete. I have been taking pictures of the area each day since Monday when I was opened up. I do not know if it will help someone else or where to post all the pictures when the procedures are finally done.
When I look at my vagina I can not help but think it is a project in process and to remain calm. The nerve bundle is sore. When I mentioned the nerve bundle is very sensitive to Dr. Mcginn Monday she said oh yeah.
Dilation is becoming a routine.
My vaginal area was getting a whitish color so I did not wear underwear or a pad last night and that helped heaps. So today I am also not wearing anything under the covers. I am on a chuck so there is no messy issues.
If anyone knows if wearing a pad after dilating and having that area wet for prolonged times is wrong or if wearing nothing to dry out the area is the right thing to do then please let me know.
best,
Rachel
Thank you Dena, mm and Mariah, it really helps to be able to get advise thank you.
I am using less lube when I dilate and using a paper towel to press lightly on the vagina after dilation to get some of the moisture. I wear pads during the day and change when needed. I think I was using too much lube and the pad was getting very wet and being in contact with the vagina until I checked next. At night I am not wearing a pad and am laying on a chuck (adsorbent waterproof large pad) that catches everything and allows good air flow. My vagina looks much better now.
Hi Rachel,
You are 11 days postop. Can I ask how much you stay on your feet. How much walking do you do if any? Is your appetite back to normal?
Thanks!
Moni
I wouldn't short change on the lube though because it can be more difficult to get them in and even make things raw by not having enough lube on the dilator. Fact is your going to want as much lube as you can the bigger the size of the dilator is that your using. A lesson I learned quickly and Dena was there to keep preaching it tell I got that. It didn't take long either and I'm glad she did, so glad she did. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 26, 2016, 08:58:52 AM
Thank you Dena, mm and Mariah, it really helps to be able to get advise thank you.
I am using less lube when I dilate and using a paper towel to press lightly on the vagina after dilation to get some of the moisture. I wear pads during the day and change when needed. I think I was using too much lube and the pad was getting very wet and being in contact with the vagina until I checked next. At night I am not wearing a pad and am laying on a chuck (adsorbent waterproof large pad) that catches everything and allows good air flow. My vagina looks much better now.
One little thing that I learned from Mariah is the name of a better better jelly (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ZQFQP08/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1) to use in dilation. This stuff is thicker that the store brands so it stays on the dilator better and you need less to get the job done. In addition, if you buy it in the 12 pack, it comes out to about $1.30 a tube. The store brand was costing me about 3 times that much.
Hi Monica you are pretty in you new avatar picture..
I am on bed rest till I see Dr. McGinn Monday which will be day 13. I go to the bathroom, kitchen to get food and incidental such as get bills to pay or shower. As of Monday I am allowed to shower once a day and directed to showder once a day. I am on my back almost all day. My appetite is not back but I was directed to eat 3000 calories a day and no less than 40 drams of protein. I can not eat 3000 calories a day. I am not allowed to walk other than to do the things mentioned. My back sometimes hurts and my butt is a bit red. I would not go by my experience to be typical. Dr. McGinn is worried about my graph taking.
Thanks Dena and Mariah for the lube amount advise and lube source, that is a good price. I will embrace the lube and just pat the area afterward to adsorb any lube or moisture. I definitely do not need any issues. Dilating is getting routine now so when I have things down it will be easier.
Believe it or not your body is going through a lot of energy right now to heal hence the amount of protein and calories needed right now. Trust me I was shocked at how much I was eating and wasn't gaining wait on it. The fact remains your going to need to eat more than a little bit for a little while during the healing. Eating less than your supposed to will inhibit healing. Your body will let you know when its time to cut it down. Secondly once you can get up your able to compensate by moving around. Healing from SRS isn't the time to diet. Even I had to eat meat, which I don't do just to aid in the healing. I'm so glad I did because it has helped. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on November 26, 2016, 02:12:44 PM
Hi Monica you are pretty in you new avatar picture..
I am on bed rest till I see Dr. McGinn Monday which will be day 13. I go to the bathroom, kitchen to get food and incidental such as get bills to pay or shower. As of Monday I am allowed to shower once a day and directed to showder once a day. I am on my back almost all day. My appetite is not back but I was directed to eat 3000 calories a day and no less than 40 drams of protein. I can not eat 3000 calories a day. I am not allowed to walk other than to do the things mentioned. My back sometimes hurts and my butt is a bit red. I would not go by my experience to be typical. Dr. McGinn is worried about my graph taking.
Thanks Dena and Mariah for the lube amount advise and lube source, that is a good price. I will embrace the lube and just pat the area afterward to adsorb any lube or moisture. I definitely do not need any issues. Dilating is getting routine now so when I have things down it will be easier.
Rachel,
Thanks for your kind comment on my picture.
I can only imagine how good that first shower feels. I know all that laying down has to get really old quick. Before you know it it will all be in the rear view mirror though. It is wonderful to be able to bounce things off others who have been through it themselves. My wife asks about how you are doing just about every day. Just another one of your fans I guess.:)
Moni
Hi Mariah, i have not lost weight and i am eating well. When my ex-wife goes food shoping I will put on the list some dried meet and lebanon balony and cheese to snack on. I will add some calorie dense foods. It is difficult being on my back all day and night and having no appetite.
Hi Monical, thanks for the kind words and tell your wife I said Hi and thanks for her concern. I am doing very well. Please bounce anything off me.
I awoke with really bad back pain. I got up and fed the cats then dialated. I always eat mixed nuts before dilating, it is a little treat. My swelling is way down. I used ice a lot yesterday and I will today too. I read that on Mariah's GCS posts.
I read all the GCS posts but comment rairly. I have very little to offer right now. I think most of the woman are further ahead of me or post specific questions I have little knowledge about. I am new to GCS and I think the other woman had a different experiance.
I feel so inactive like a sloth. I really need to get off bed rest and be able to walk.
I had my appointment this morning with Dr. McGinn. I was opened up on the bottom of my vagina. She measured me at 4.5 inches depth. I was cleared to 5 dilations a day and with a force that she showed me. My graph is healthy :) :) :) . I lost the penile tissue at the opening of the vagina. She was not surprised. She removed that skin. There is an separation now at the opening of the vagina. The penile skin was really small perhaps 1 inch in length. The separation is small as my penile skin was small. It will not pose an issue and it will correct itself. All-in-all pretty well. I am off bed rest YAH. I can start walking 1/2 mile at a time and progress from there. Exercise in 6 weeks and sex in 8 weeks. I was allowed to start E today :) :) :) . I have another appointment with Dr. McGinn next Monday. I think I will be able to wear jeans next time :) .
One of the things Dr. McGinn said was I have a lot of fat ( my bmi is 23) around my vagina which is not typical. She said I am within good weight limits. She than said the fat is not good for blood supply. I asked asked her to elaborate about what non typical meant. She then said it is typical for someone like me meaning intersexed.
I am hungry for the first time in weeks :) so I will be eating soon not just because it is time.
I'm glad things are going well and that your healing nicely. Sorry about the loss of that skin. I'm glad your hungry again though and making progress. Hugs
Mariah
Hi Mariah, I think the hunger was from taking the E. I am a week behind everything but feel great.
I had my first and second female pee. First went into the toilet and a little bit in the vagina. Second one was a bit scattered. In a woman's room I would fit in perfectly :)
Rachel Lynn, yes you fit in fine in the women's room now. Peeing will get better in time as the swelling goes down.
Before long that ill be ordinary and routine. It's amazing how quick something we have look forward to a long time becomes after just a short time. Anyways congrats Rachel, I bet it felt good to be able to do that finally. Hugs
Mariah
mm thanks I always wanted to fit in :)
Mariah, it seams so long ago that I had GCS and it has only been two today weeks.
My vagina continues to look better every day and I am excited to see what it looks like in 6 months. I had a dream I was with a guy and when I awoke I was very aroused. This is something I can not remember happening before or it has been a very long time. I then thought I need to get my hair fixed.
I am so happy I had this done; it is a dream come true.
I need to dilate 5 times today and with a bit if force. I can start cleaning the outside of my vagina with a little soapy water and inside the vaginal canal with my fingers in the shower. For the next week I need to use a triple antibiotic on the external vaginal suture lines.
I plan to see my therapist in Philadelphia this week and I need to see if the Mazzoin Walgreen Pharmacy has delestrogen. If they do I will stop by and get some. I do not know if will go to group this week, perhaps next week.
depending on how I feel after therapy. Siting after a little while on a hard surface is not pleasant and the chairs at group are the folding metal ones and I can not see myself sitting on one for an hour.
I think I will take pictures of my wet hair after a shower today and send them to Dr. Coolie for a quote. I will submit to insurance today my GCS costs for reimbursement.
I submitter the GCS reimbursemant to insurance with the exception of the Hospital costs because they have not sent me a receipt. I called them and they said a receipt is on its way. They are billing my insurance seperately for the ED and cardiology work up.
I am feeling really good and move around without issue. I hope to get a walk in this morning before the rain starts.
My cliterious (use to be glands penis) was attached whole the best I could see. It has been 15 days since the GCS operation and the clitoris looks to be about 2/3 in width now and the tip going back 1/4 of the way it is thin now. I was wondering if the shrinking is normal and will the whole clitoris get thin like the tip?
I am numb in a large amount of the vagina. Other woman reported shocks when the nerves reconnected. When did the shocks start or nerves start reconnecting?
Thanks in advance for any help answering the above questions.
Best,
Rachel
I had itches in places that I knew weren't there any more. In my case, it took a few months but I had so much swelling that some of the healing may have been delayed. It took a couple of years before it stopped but it was't continuous.
Hi Dena, I do not have swelling but I am numb in most of the area down there. I guess it will take time for the nerves to reconnect. Thank you.
I have a check-up with Dr. McGinn tomorrow. It has been 19 days since GCS and I will ask her what she thinks about me going back to work.
Dilating, when Brianna showed me how to dilate she said I would become friends with this, holding the purple dilator. I feel like it is constantly in me. I may go up a dilator size tomorrow. Which means spitting half the session with the smaller and half with the larger.
I walked the park today and will walk tonight for 2.5 miles.
This is probably just in my head, I feel really good. I am very relaxed and calm and feel happy (perhaps it is that I no longer am feeling so bad or maybe it is the E).
I will stop in Lambertville for a little shopping on Union street and perhaps pizza in New Hope.
Home with my ex-wife has been good without incident :)
It really depends on the type of work Rachel. Your really going to want to be a good 3 or 4 weeks post op especially since you had a graff too. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on December 04, 2016, 03:35:04 PM
I have a check-up with Dr. McGinn tomorrow. It has been 19 days since GCS and I will ask her what she thinks about me going back to work.
Dilating, when Brianna showed me how to dilate she said I would become friends with this, holding the purple dilator. I feel like it is constantly in me. I may go up a dilator size tomorrow. Which means spitting half the session with the smaller and half with the larger.
I walked the park today and will walk tonight for 2.5 miles.
This is probably just in my head, I feel really good. I am very relaxed and calm and feel happy (perhaps it is that I no longer am feeling so bad or maybe it is the E).
I will stop in Lambertville for a little shopping on Union street and perhaps pizza in New Hope.
Home with my ex-wife has been good without incident :)
Thanks Mariah, I agree. I am behind a bunch of computer screens most of the day and may walk to a part of the facility once or twice a day. I have a really low physical demand from my job.
I just got back from Dr. McGinn's. She said I can walk no running or heavy exercising. I am also cleared to go back to work. I have an appointment to see her 1/5. She said my VJ is healing very well and it is beautiful. Every time I go there she takes pics of genital area. She did not mention going up a dilator size so I will e-mail them now.
I went shopping in Lambertville just across from New Hope and got a neckless and pair of earrings. I found a place at 42 Union Street that has some nice jewelry.
Dr. McGinn e-mailed back and said to begin using #2 dilator. 1/2 session #1 and 1/2 session #2/
You are doing well. This is good.
Hugs
Jen
Hi Jen,
Thank you. How have you been? It has been a while.
The hospital gave me a 2.5 cm and a 3 cm diameter dilator and taught me to use both three times a day at first. I'm down to once a week now. Is your regime different because of difficulties in the op?
Hi Mary,
I my vagina was sewn up and there was a gause pad where the penis was. I was operated on a Tuesday and left the hospital on a Friday. That Monday I was opened up and about 100 stitches were used to make my labia majora left and right. The catheter was replaced and the 4 drains removed. I was given a #1 dilator 1.125 inch (2.86 cm) and #2 1.25 inch ( 3.175 cm) dilator. I was instructed to used the #1 dilator 3 times a day very gently to touch the back of the vaginal canal. Reason being she was worried about the graph.
The following Monday the catheter was removed, the bottom of my vagina was opened up and I was instructed to dilate with #1 dilator 5 times a day and push with about a 4 pound force. The penile skin was left whole and was used in the the vaginal tube opening. That died and was removed. Dr. McGinn was not surprised. The separation was about 3/4 of an inch and has since healed. When she removed the penile skin it was really small and white and in the trash it went. Dr. McGinn said my vaginal entrance would heal without an issue. The opening was a small fraction of the overall vaginal entrance.
Yesterday Dr. McGinn said she will make a clitoral hood ( in 6 months) for my clitoris. She measured my vaginal depth which was almost 5 inches up from 4.5 from the previous week. She said to keep applying pressure when i dilate and you are doing a good job.
I guess the difference is one week of soft dilation, the two procedures staged one week apart starting a week after the operation, a week of reduced and soft dilation and no labia minora ( My scrotum was used for the graph).
This Monday I am on track with my dilations and got permission to include the #2 dilator for half the session. It went in without a problem and all the way to the back wall. After dilating with the #1 and #2 dilator the third dot is just covered by tissue where the 4th dot was visible when I first started dilation That first week.
January 5th when I see the Doctor again she will ask me if I had an orgasm. At that point I will have been about 7 weeks post op. I have no idea what I am supposed to do to orgasm. I am a bit intimidated to touch my clitoris, thinking it is fragile. I know where the nerve bundle is because there is a lump to the touch but I do not feel pleasure when I touch it. Any pointers on at least where to start would be very helpful. Mentally masturbating now will be very different. In the past afterwards it was very dysphoric but now I do not know how I will feel.
The dilation schedule is:
1-9 weeks 5X/day
10-24 weeks 3x/day
25 weeks i tear 1/day.
Next Monday I go to #3 dilator 1 3/8 inches and if that goes well then the following week I guess it is the 1.5 inch dilator. I will check with Papillion Center before going to #3 or #4 dilator.
I was cleared to go back to work yesterday, 3 weeks post op. I heal really quickly and Dr. McGinn was very please with the healing.
I texted my boss and HR informing I am cleared to come back to work but need an accommodation to dilate in my office a couple of times a day. I await to here back from them. When I return to work I will not use the staff single toilet bathrooms and will only use the woman's room.
My procedure was penis inversion as there was sufficient material there. I haven't heard of it being done in more than one stage unless something goes wrong. I wasn't watching (!) but I understand they used skin from the scrotum to make my labia major and minor. My clitoris is partially hooded and I was assured it looks right.
I haven't been able to have an orgasm. This could be loss of sensation, or lack of technique. I am supposed to have a G-spot as well as a clitoris, but I haven't been able to prove it. I haven't done anything about this but I suppose I should while I still have enough estrogen to make it worthwhile.
Hi Mary,
I had a micro penis and small scrotum. To add, although I had a BMI of 23 I have a fair amount of fat in the mons pubis area ( less after the operation). Because I had been 327 pounds at one time I have a lot of stretch marks. Some are pretty bad. The area the doctor was going to take the graph has fine stretch marks. So I guess the scrotum was the best for a graph.
I wish things were different but they are not. The phasing was to allow the graph the best possibility of taking. The doctor did not know if the scrotum would survive. She said that several times before the operation and several times after the operation. She inspected my genitals 4 times before the operation. The penile skin died because it had no supporting vascular infrastructure. She said just after the operation, "your penile skin is wimpy". Then she said it was white due to lack of blood flow and may not survive.
I was thinking today:
I swam competitively from age 5 to age 14, all year round. I could not go into the locker room to shower and change. The bathing suits show everything and it was incredible embarrassing. If I had my new equipment I would have no issue going into the woman's locker room or wearing a female swim suit.
Oh yes, you can change in the women's locker room now, and be confident in your body. I was 66 when I bought my first bikini and I've been to the pool with it. T-girls can do things that scare ordinary people!
So I texted and e-mailed my boss and HR that I am coming back to work Friday. The only restriction is I will need to dilate twice a day in my office during Lunch and a break ( lunch and a break are state law). I sent a PDF of my GCS certificate for file purposes just in case a cis woman has an issue with me in a woman's room.
I received an e-mail requesting I not return to work Friday because they need to come up with alternate work arrangements and I gave them short notice. I am required to give 3 days notice. I texted them Monday and texted and e-mailed them today. I was supposed to be out 8 weeks and I want to go back after 3.5 weeks.
I texted HR and asked if I am being termed or reassigned. She said they are trying to find a location for me to dilate. I replied I can do that in my office and I use chucks so there would be no issue of any mess. To that there is no reply.
There needs to be a plan for everything at work. It delayed my coming out, my GCS and my FFS and now my return to work.
I as thinking, what had the worst pain FFS or GCS and which had the more difficult recovery for the first three weeks.
Hands down FFS on the third day was the worst pain. I was throwing up all day from stopping the oxi and could not take in anything. The pain from throwing up was pretty bad. Taking the bandages off my face on the 4th day from FFS was traumatic. I felt so ugly; I had so many stiches and staples. I was alone with FFS and that made a huge difference.
GCS on the other hand I stayed at my sisters for a week after leaving the hospital. I was sewn closed and when opened a week after the operation the doctor and 2 PA-C's were very happy and the doctor said it looks great. She said when you look at it it will not look great but trust me you will look great.
I think having that reassurance from the doctor and having someone with me helped me psychologically. Also, If I just knew to take anti acids, which I eventually did, for the oxi acid stomach then day 3 FFS would not have been so bad. It the doctor had spent some time before leaving the hospital and reassure me and discussed how I will look after the bandages were removed then I would have faired better, still shocked but better.
Oh geez, if you have an office and the door locks I'd have not included your employer on need to dilate. Medical information is private and if there's no operating reason for them to know then why disclose? Anyhow I hope you shake out these details ok.
QuoteI was cleared to go back to work yesterday, 3 weeks post op. I heal really quickly and Dr. McGinn was very please with the healing.
Thanks for mentioning all of this. I've always healed from traumas, including surgeries at least 2x faster than average and so you remind me that I should allow for the possibility of anything from an extended recovery to an extra-short one. Always better if people are prepared for a range of possibilities.
Hi SadieBlake, thank you for the support. Most everyone in the department has a key to my office because I work in Facilities; my boss eats lunch with us periodically. Dr. McGinn made it a restriction for return to work and I am obligated to report it to short term disability administrators, FMLA administrators and my supervisor. I included senior HR because he would go to them and they help ground him. I think they want me to have access to a room where I can lay down and has a sink and appropriate receptacle. I do not think they want me in the woman's room washing dilators before and after dilation.
I saw my therapist in the gayborhood today. I walked 10 blocks (5 to and 5 from) to get prescriptions at Mazzoni and then about 6 blocks to a sex shop recommended by my therapist. Dr. McGinn wants me to try to achieve an orgasm by my next office visit 1/5/2017. When I got home I had blood in my pad from my clitoris tip that must have been rubbing on my pad when I walked. There was a regular sided pad 1/2 full of blood. My clitoris is pink and healthy and no blood flowing when I dilated. I purchased a vibrator at the sex shop to aid me in achieving an orgasm over the next 3.5 weeks. Any pointers would be helpful. Dr. McGinn has me putting 1% hydro cortisone cream in the vagina to reduce scarring and granulation for the next 6 weeks.
With my therapist I talked about reconciliation of my cohort and it was emotional. I will explain that some time soon. She also asked me about how I was feeling about the operation and the difference and with Dr. McGinn stating I am intersexed. She asked if I thought my parents made a choice. She asked if I wanted to reach out to an intersexed group to discuss being intersexed. We talked about the operation when I was 12 and what I remembered. The 1st half of the session was great and the second half that included all in this paragraph was not pleasant. I hedged and know it is tough to face this.
I started the #3 dilator today. #2 goes in first for 10 minutes. The 3rd from the top dot is not visible and I am half way to the 2nd dot. When I put #3 dilator in it went in easily but there is little to no extra room on the sides of the vaginal canal. #3 went in to the 3rd dot. I did not push much with the #3 dilator.
When I looked at the #3 dilator it looked so much bigger than #2. So far so good.
I tried the vibrator externally to and around my vagina and I did not get any erogenous sensations. I will try next week.
Back to work tomorrow. I was off for 26 days and really need to get back to work.
When I was dilating this morning (2nd of the day) I noticed a small amount of fresh blood on the #3 dilator tip. I have not had any blood on the dilators for a while. I was pushing pretty hard. Should I back off on the pressure when I dilate?
A small amount of blood can happen. You might have knocked off a scab or popped a stitch which is to be expected. If there is a sizable amount of blood, that is an issue. Monitor it each time you dilate and if it gets worst, discuss it with your doctor.
Thank you Dena. I will check it pretty closely for a while. I really do not want to create an issue by pushing on the dilator too hard yet I want to gain in depth.
Currently the #3 dilator 3rd dot is just visible when I look in the mirror.
Omg surgery im so jelious! just wondering is it covered in the US like it is in Canada?
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on December 11, 2016, 12:45:50 PM
Omg surgery im so jelious! just wondering is it covered in the US like it is in Canada?
In the United States, it's out of pocket or if you have the correct insurance, insurance will cover it. The government has insurance for those over 65 and those with very limited income but I am not sure what they cover.
Oh ok i see, is there not even a single state like California or Vermont thats liberal enough to cover it? that seems so unfair you guys south of the border have to fork it out of pocket
Massachusetts requires insurers to cover GCS with the exception of self insured companies however most places large enough for that offer better transition benefits than the state requires.
Google may tell you what other states require coverage.
My Coverage from work includes:
GCS
BA
Voice
hair
adam's apple
Electrolysis
therapy
hormones
There is an annual co-pay until I reach $2,500 and I have a bi-weekly pay deduction for health insurance.
FFS is not covered but due to cost I can use it as a deduction on my federal taxes.
My insurance covers Every recommendation of WPATH. The list is pages long. Even stuff I'd never heard of.
It really depends on your policy.
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I went to work today. I dilated twice at work and it went well.
I asked a fiend at work what she thought if I used the woman's room sink to wash the dilators. She said she thought it would not be a good idea. So I washed them in a single stall staff bathroom.
I am tired and it was a long day.
Hi Rachel,
Were you nervous about going back? Did you get any questions or comments? Did you feel any more or less confident? Maybe you were too tired to care? Was it good to be back?
Moni
Hi Denise, does your policy cover FFS?
Hi Monica, I was very happy to get back to work. I really enjoy the people I work with and have a lot of friends there. I had a lot of people welcoming me back. I had a bunch of people that wanted details about pain and how I feel. A few asked if I felt different. A couple asked for some more specifics, they are woman I know very well. A lot of the guys were disappointed the BA was postponed. Even though I did not have a BA I did get some looks with my existing equipment.
I had no specific thought of confidence but I feel happy and a large amount of my dysphoria is gone. I know there are stories where a few say after GCS that it was a mistake; for me, it was the best thing I have ever done.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on December 12, 2016, 06:20:38 PM
I had no specific thought of confidence but I feel happy and a large amount of my dysphoria is gone. I know there are stories where a few say after GCS that it was a mistake; for me, it was the best thing I have ever done.
Rachel, I'm so happy for you! This has been such a long and difficult road for you. It's wonderful to read that this has cleared away much of the dysphoria, and that you are feeling happy.
In the long run, that's all any person ever wants. Just to feel, finally, normal and happy. Congratulations.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for the answer. I am very happy for you. I know going full time was the cure for my social dysphoria. I am hoping the surgery will cure my body dysphoria. Glad to hear it is working for you.
Moni
Hi Michelle and Monica, thank you for your support. I have a long way for a good social transition. The physical genital dysphoria is gone :)
The Director of Employee Health called me today on my cell to discuss doing dilation at work. She had a call from HR and asked to access if I can dilate in my office. I said I have been back to work since Monday. I explained I dilate on top of a chuck and my office has a locking door so there is no issue. I said I contacted UNUM and my boss and HR last Monday over a week ago that I wanted to come back to work and had clearance from my doctor. She wanted the doctors note ( it had not only I can return to work but it described the whole visit, a little embarrassing). I walked a copy to her. She wanted to know what meds I am on to update my chart, which is E and a SSRI.
Later that day I was granted permission to come back to work but work only 8 hours a day and leave or take a nap if I get tired.
I came home and dilated and took a nap. I am still tired and will be going to sleep after I dilate.
I feel really good at work and sitting is fine. I use a single stall bathroom to wash the dilators. Since I am not on spiro I only go to the bathroom twice a day at work. I use to go 4 or 5 times a day.
I did a phone session with my therapist today. I have two homework things to get done by next week. 1) file a name and gender change form for my birth certificate and 2) use the woman's multi-stall bathrooms at work.
We talked about expanding my social groups. I think when I can exercise I will join the spinning and yoga class at the 12th street gym and go to a social trans group at William Way. She mentioned volunteering at Philadelphia Aids Thrift. I think that is a good idea too.
Glad to hear things are going well at work. Hugs
Mariah
Thanks Mariah. I have to get through a full week. I like the comment employee health made the I can sleep or leave work if I get tired.
Your still pretty close to your SRS so being tired isn't uncommon at that point. I'm not as tired as I was anymore. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on December 13, 2016, 07:22:26 PM
Thanks Mariah. I have to get through a full week. I like the comment employee health made the I can sleep or leave work if I get tired.
You mentioned using the women's bathroom. I feel it is very important for us just to do what other women do, and just to be women. I started using the women's bathroom as soon as I came out as female. There were colleagues who had a problem with me but HR put them straight.
Hi Mary, you are right. I should have been using the woman's room exclusively for the past year or so. At work we have a very strong LGBT policy too. Washing dilators needs to be done in private but just going to the bathroom I will use the woman's room. In my head I thought after GCS and when I had my notarized letter from my doctor saying I had GCS and surgically and permanently changed from male to female then I would exclusively use the woman's room. My boss and HR has a copy of my GCS letter and have been notified I will use the woman's room.
Denise made a recommendation I go back in time and reply to some of the earliest post. I will do that in the future posts, perhaps one a week. Coincidentally, a friend at work saw me at the cafeteria yesterday and stopped by my office today for a chat. He is in the process of divorce and we exchanged statuses and how we are doing mentally about the divorces. After we shared he said wow what a difference a year makes; we have really made progress and are in a much better place. He is dating now and looks really happy. I do not know if I ill ever get a date and if I do how it would turn out; however, I feel so incredibly good like a heavy weigh has been taken away.
Last night I was invited to a jewelry party by a friend from work. I had a good time and ordered several pieces of jewelry.
I am now using #4 dilator with the #3 and #2. All three dilators are going to just a bit below the second dot. #4 insertion had no pain but a full feeling. Should I continue to use the #2 dilator?
I am now using the female bathrooms at work. I discussed it with a friend at work and she said I should use them and if someone has an issue it is their issue and they will get a rude awakening if they tried to cause an issue.
The small dilator will act as a starter for the larger dilator. If you are able to get the larger dilator in to full depth for the full time, without a starter, you shouldn't need the smaller one. I have been using one that's 1.5 inches in diameter for many years without anything else and I haven't lost girth or depth. You need to let your body be the guide on this and if the smaller one can do something the bigger one can't, you need to continue with the smaller one.
Please forgive my ignorance as I'm way far away from GCS. How long do you need to dilate. Not minutes/hours per day but how many months/years?
Based upon Dena's post - it sounds like forever.
Dilation varies a lot from one woman to another. Where I am they start you on three times a day and say to reduce it when you feel you can without getting any adhesion. By six months I was at once a day and by a year at once a week. I would probably be OK with once a month now but once a week isn't a big burden. I was given the standard two dilators by the hospital. They are clear glass with no markings. Are the dots on yours to indicate depth?
It tapers down over time. I can maintain what I have with one dilation a week. I went for 10 years without dilation and when I returned to it, about the first 10 sessions or so were regaining the small amount I had lost and were a bit tight. The issue is as long as your body can form scar tissue, you can lose what you have. It takes a year or two before your body stops forming scar tissues and missed dilations are not critical. It's extremely critical you commit to the required dilation for the first few years or you may as well get the version of the surgery that doesn't construct a vagina.
The dilators I have are from Soul Source. The diameters are:
#1 1.125"
#2 1.25"
#3 1.375"
#4 1.5"
The dots:
1st 3.5"
2nd 4"
3rd 4.5"
4th 5"
5th 5.5"
Dr. McGinn states dilations are:
week 1-9 5/day
week 10-24 3/day
week 25-52 1/day
Currently from the vaginal canal entrance I am on the 4th dot #3 dilator and a bit more for #2 dilator and a bit less for #4 dilator.
I went shopping with my sister today at a thrift store in Berwyn and got 12 items including a nice skirt jacket combo.
I sent in my birth certificate name and gender change today :) When I have the changed birth certificate in hand I will then change my passport.
When I dilate and a bit afterwards I am a little sore. I guess that is a good indication that nerves are reconnecting. On occasion I get the nerve reconnection feeling, ouch and itch.
I still have the white layer in my vaginal canal. Is that normal? What is a bit concerning is I have that white "skin" on the under side of my clitoris. Is that normal? When I lightly rub along side and above my clitoris it is registering as pain and not pleasure. Is that normal?
Maybe, maybe and yes. The white skin is like a blister. It's dead skin that's protecting what's underneath. Try not to disturb it and let it remain as long as possible. After a couple of months it will flake off and there will be new skin under it. I didn't have much if any but I may have had a better starting point for the surgeon to work with. As for the pain in the clitoris, it's still healing but it's also normal for a CIS woman to feel pain if they haven't had the proper foreplay. Give it a bit more time to heal before you play with it very much.
Thank you Dena, this is all so new and different.
When I go back to Dr. McGinn on 1/5/2017 she will ask me if I had an orgasm yet. Which will be almost 7 weeks at that time. I am a bit leery to touch anything in that way.
Rachel,
Did she explain why "the orgasm test?" Do you think she wants to determine if you need testosterone for libido or is it more a testing of the functionality? I am with you, I'd be scared I'd cause trouble by playing too soon.
Moni
This is an interesting question. I was in the hospital for a week and I haven't been back since. I was told that my clitoris would probably have sensation, but that if it didn't there was nothing they could do. Mine has sensation but I haven't managed arousal. Should I ask for a testosterone check next time I have bloods?
Hi Monica, when I was at Dr. McGinn's three weeks ago she asked "did I ask you if you had an orgasm yet" I said no you did not ask me. She then said when was your operation, I told her and she said oh, ok. This lead me to think when I see her on the 5th she will ask me if I had an orgasm. Why she asked I did not ask her. I assumed it was to see if I am orgasmic.
I discussed it with my therapist and she recommended a sex shop to buy a vibrator. I purchased one and there was no sexual feeling when I used it. I only used it externally and not directly on my clit. I was 3 weeks post op. Perhaps I am just reading into things. Anyhow, since then I am now 5 weeks post op and there has been some more nerve reconnection. when I stroke next to my clit I no longer register pain but something reminiscent of past feeling but not as intense. I have been having shocks and itches on and around my clit so I think it is starting to reconnect.
Orgasm in the past was a double edges sward. It felt very good but to climax I had to imagine I was with a past male partner. Afterwards It was very dysphoric. I wonder how it will be going forward.
Hi Mary, My T for years has been less than 3 ng/dl which is the threshold of the test. I had no libido and still do not. During recovery Dr. McGinn does not recommend progesterone (metabolizes to T) or T. After I am healed they recommend T to raise libido and for health reasons. T an I do not mix well. I was on a very low dose of spiro and it was very effective on me and had some strong side effects.
I do not know the reason but since GCS (after the first 2 weeks). I have had this continuous feeling of calm ( I thought I was calm before) and I am pretty happy. I hum and sing pretty often and listen to music. I feel good and have no genital dysphoria but it is much more, I do not know what it is exactly. I am leery to take T and have a bad reaction. I guess I will review it with my PA-c who treats a very large number of trans.
I have a good amount of feeling in my clit, around it and on the labia major. I also have good feeling on the mons pubis.
Perhaps discussing a T cream with your doctor would be a good discussion. You could stop using it if there is a bad reaction. I will never inject T.
Thank you Rachel. I had thought about trying a vibrator. I happen to know a guy who works in a sex shop, he's a t-man and I'm old enough to be his grandmother! I do have some T gel left over from many years ago when my doctor gave me some to see if it helped my depression. It didn't, but back then I didn't know why. Perhaps I try a vibrator first, then add the T if necessary.
You are still very soon after the correction. It may take more weeks or even months before you are 'right'. Don't give up because you don't get instant results!
I felt very much at peace with myself even when I was in the hospital. I hadn't been thinking about genital dysphoria but it would have been there. I relate to men differently now, even socially. Somehow being physically female does that. I had never considered having a relationship with a man before but now I do consider it.
Hi Mary,
I am anxious to get things working :) I know it will take time and at least some desire.
The vibrator for me now is for the nerves to recognize stimulation and hopefully receive it as pleasure. I know it is early and even though I am anxious I need to be realistic and never give up.
I am thinking of men in a little different perspective. Pre-GCS I could not have vaginal sex with a guy but wanted to. Soon, I will be able to have vaginal sex with a guy and sometimes think of that when talking to them.
================================
I did a phone therapy session today. We discussed last weeks goals or home work and I competed the home work. 1) send in the change of name and gender birth certificate forms and 2) use the woman's restroom at work. The bathroom was a non-issue. No one cared or even looked odd at me.
We discussed my goals for next year:
Physical
BA,
VFS
adams apple
HAIR
Personal
Expand my social circles. I am a big fan Malcom Gladwell. He has a book called tipping point. One chapter of the book is about having different social circles with lots of acquaintances. The acquaintances act as lightning rods for opportunity. So I will have 2 circles I will add in addition to work and group. Then there is a social trans group I will add. I will add some classes at the LGBT gym I go to. Lastly, I will add a social group from the gayborhood my trainer is immersed in.
I am on the #4 dilator. I have not been gaining in depth; I am at about 5 inches. I reread the pamphlet Dr. McGinn provided. It says to always start with the #1 dilator. So I started with #1 today then #4. I hope that gets me back on track to gaining depth again.
I am getting more feeling down there :)
12/29/16 I have a phone consult for hair with Dr. Coolie.
I had my consult for hair with Dr. Coolie's representative. She said the FUT method was recommended due to the amount of hair needed and that 4000 hairs would be the first transplant goal. The cost is $15,000. My insurance covers trans hair transplants minus the deductible. I was encouraged to come in person so they could have a better view of the donor hair. I was sent a few PDF's to read. Any comments would be welcome.
I had a therapy session today and we discussed a few things:
I discussed how much Christmas hurt and how my ex-wife and daughter excluded me.
We discussed some ways I can increase my social contact with LGBT activities.
Next I went over how staying at my sisters after GCS was a real test of my alcohol recovery. It was not a healthy environment for me. I remained sober but it was a real test.
Lastly, I told her I was surprised at how much my genitals had a negative impact on me. I had bad genital dysphoria and I thought about it and I avoided touching or looking at my genitals. My genital dysphoria was 100% gone after the surgery. I like seeing myself in the shower now :) I feel so much better now.
I got a call from Dr. Cooley's office at work today. They are recommending 2000 to 2500 hairs for the first transplant unless I see them in person for a consult. I will be making a trip to North Carolina. I would like to get 4000 graphs the first round.
They said my donor hair from the pictures I sent can only yield so much hair for transplant. So I will see them in person. They said if I do not have enough donor hair then a partial hair piece would needed :(
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on December 29, 2016, 05:50:51 PM
I discussed how much Christmas hurt and how my ex-wife and daughter excluded me.
Next I went over how staying at my sisters after GCS was a real test of my alcohol recovery. It was not a healthy environment for me. I remained sober but it was a real test.
Lastly, I told her I was surprised at how much my genitals had a negative impact on me. I had bad genital dysphoria and I thought about it and I avoided touching or looking at my genitals. My genital dysphoria was 100% gone after the surgery. I like seeing myself in the shower now :) I feel so much better now.
Hi Rachel,
The pain of the family reaction is awful for you I am sure, especially this time of year. I am so glad to hear that you are avoiding drowning out that pain. I'm sure your logical brain knows that that is no real answer. You are doing amazing in the steps you are taking. If it helps to know, you are really a role model for anyone who comes on this site. When I think of someone talking positive steps to get to a better place in their life, I think of you. You have shown great courage. Just reading reactions to you on this thread, I think there is a collective feeling of love and respect that comes your way. I hope it helps to know that.
Now, specifically, thanks for posting about the genital dysphoria feelings disappearing. I feel a bit better just hearing that is how it feels. I have similar pre-op feelings.
Moni
I sympathize.
I'm only partially transmale, so non-binary, and 64 years old. But I know how the destructive force of a suppressed gender identity can become overwhelming, especially as one ages.
I had no idea I was trans, didn't even think about LGBTQ issues at all, since all my life I'd assumed I was a hetero, cis female. I was married, had two kids, lived a semi-conventional life, even attended church, from childhood.
Then the wheels began coming off my life. I had no idea what was behind it, and only found out in 2010, after I'd moved to Thailand, what I am. Still, it took two more years to do anything about it.
In my case, I'm not going to physically transition, but just acknowledging my male side and coming to terms with it was a huge relief for me.
I later came out to a few close friends, and emailed my family, but they didn't even comment.
Hi Monica, thank you for the kind words. Yes, the genital dysphoria goes away like a light switch being toggled. Of course there is the, does my vagina look natal and how do I optimize it and the depth and width maximization. When I first looked at my vagina it reminded me of my FFS first look. I am 6 weeks post op and my VJ is looking pretty good. I still have healing to do but I feel really good that everything is healing well. I just can not get over the feeling of well being.
Raell, than you for you support. Coming out is difficult and more so if there is no family support. I saw in one of your posts that your daughter visited for a while and I am glad she was there for you.
2017
I had expected to have a BA with my GCS and most likely have it in May 2017.
I need to stop down to North Carolina to Dr. Cooley's for a face to face consult so I can nail down the number of hairs for the first procedure. He will concentrate on restoring my front hairline which is the most important. I am hoping I can get 4000 hairs.I expect to do this in a month or two. I can have the procedure after March 15, 2017.
I want to investigate VFS after my hair is done and get that done in 2017. I will e-mail the voice pathologist Dr. McGinn recommends today. Perhaps I can avoid VFS. My voice is naturally pretty high.
Lastly, I want to contact Dr. Spiegel's office via e-mail today and inquire if I can have a revision on my jowls. He made a large improvement but not to the extent I expected. I have a round face so perhaps it is just the way it looks best. I mentioned this to my electrolysis technician and I could read her face. It was surprise and disapproval. Perhaps I am to critical.
I want to lose 15 pounds and will be starting today :)
I was at an all day training today at work. I was 4 blocks from our Main campus where we rent 8 floors of a high rise. I needed to dilate during the day. I thought no problem I will do that in the woman's room. There were a lot of people at the training and most are woman (all but 4). I went to the woman's room to pee and dilate. There was a bit of traffic in the bathroom and when entering and exiting the stall I knew someone and chatted a little. This was a great experience.
Dilating
I did it standing up. The bathroom was spotless but still I did not want to dilate on a toilet.
Chatting in the Ladies is a big step into being accepted. Well done!
Mary, I think I am accepting myself more and more as time goes by. I am fortunate others accept me too.
I see Dr. McGinn tomorrow for a check up. I think I have two small spots where there maybe granulation. I will find out tomorrow. Peeing is so much easier, faster and more complete now than before GCS. I had a second urethra installed when I was 12. My original urethra was very small and exited at the bottom on my glands. It took forever to pee and had a slight sting when I was done. When I got a UTI the smallest child catheter was too big so I had to have an operation.
There is a section between my anus and vaginal canal where my skin forms a peak in a line. This use to extend to below my gonads. If I gather the nerve to ask I will ask the doctor what she thinks it was from. I have my suspicions and I do not know if finding out is worse than wondering.
I want to get permission to exercise at the gym with my trainer and do steps.
I had my appointment at Papillion.
Brianna examined me and I am now 4.75 inched deep, up from 4.5 inched deep last time.
I had a small amount of granulation in the back of the vaginal canal, which was taken care of.
She has me dong dry packing to remove the white material at the front of the vaginal canal. This means packing the front of the vagina with gauze and changing it every dilation and every time I pee. When the white skin comes off then stop the dry packing.
She joked about wearing pads and said I get one long period instead of a lot of little ones and that you do not get away from the pads.
She cleared me for steps and going to the gym.
She asked about dilation and I told her I am doing #1 and #4 for 10 minutes 5 times a day. She said for me to use #1, #2, #3 and #4 for 10 minutes each 5 times a day. Then she said I could do each 7 minutes and that if I missed a session once in a while then that would be ok. She said to try for 10 minutes per dilator and 5 sessions per day as a goal.
She said I looked really healthy on the inside of my vagina.
She prescribed me T for daily application for libido. She said it will help with weight loss too. If I get an issue I will stop using it.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on January 04, 2017, 04:40:45 PM
There is a section between my anus and vaginal canal where my skin forms a peak in a line. This use to extend to below my gonads. If I gather the nerve to ask I will ask the doctor what she thinks it was from. I have my suspicions and I do not know if finding out is worse than wondering.
I had something like what you describe and that's normal on male bodied humans. It's were the labia would have formed if you where born female but as a male, they fuse and leave the ridge. Like you I hoped that there was something underneath it but there isn't.
Thank you Dena.
I am getting tired of dilating. Pads are starting to irritate the skin along the outside of my panties. Rant off.
I picked up the T cream from the pharmacy. I just put it on; wonder it I will feel any different.
Rachel,
Where is the cream supposed to be applied?
Moni
Hi Monica, anywhere on your body. I am sticking to the tummy and shoulder area. It is a 1 cc per daily dose so I use and reuse a syringe. I never thought I would be taking T. I had to go to a compounding pharmacy. It is a low dose and not commercially available. A Walgreen near where I live has a compounding Pharmacist. It is not the Mazzoni Walgreen so I could not get it under the federal program. My prescription plan is only for CVS so I paid the $58 out of pocket. I think I will call the Pharmacy tomorrow and see if they can make delestrogen. I have a script in their system.
I think I have some more energy but time will tell.
GCS
Lower Bucks is going through my insurance company for payment. When I was at Dr. McGinn's Thursday they returned the certified check. I need to call my Saving and Loan and ask what I should do with the check. The check was for $5,350.
Aetna POS II is still getting information about the Anesthesia bill. I suspect they will reimburse me soon as they received an itemized bill last week.
Dr. McGinn's cost was $21,700 for GCS and BA and I will be reimbursed for $14,266.80 which is close to 66% reimbursement.
Electrolysis
I had electrolysis today ( 2 hours) and my chin is finally looking pretty good. :)
I was cleared to begin exercising Last Tuesday by Dr. McGinn's PAC during my visit.
Friday I e-mailed the owner of 12th street gym requesting to use the woman's locker room. In the e-mail I attached a scan of my name change notarized form and Doctor's GCS notarized form, I also copied my trainer. Here is a copy of what I e-mailed him:
Hi Frank,
Happy New Year.
Many things changed since I last e-mailed you. I legally changed my name last year to Rachel xxxxxx. Also I had Facial Feminization Surgery September 16th, 2016 then Gender Reaffirmation Surgery November 15, 2016.
I was cleared Tuesday to return to the gym and train. I had been using the private locker room in the past. When I return I really do not fit into that space anymore and would like to use the woman's locker room. There may be some woman that may protest to management my use of the locker room. If that is the case I will discontinue the use of the locker room and most likely not return to the gym. I do not want to cause an issue at the gym and I am requesting the opportunity to use a locker room consistent with my sex and gender.
Thank you for your consideration,
Rachel xxxxxxx
This is the response I received:
Hi Rachel,
Happy New Year!
We are here for you, and I know Midge is ready to work again , and help you accomplish your fitness goals!
We support you in using the locker room which is consistent with how you identify.
See you soon,
Frank Baer
General Manager/Owner
12th Street Gym & 12FIT Spa &Gym
215.985.4092
This is a very supportive gym. They have several trans on staff and Frank supports the Attic (trans youth).
I have a training appointment Tuesday. I just need to remember to breath and think I am just another woman in the locker room, as I enter the locker room :)
"I am just another woman in the locker room" - that's easier to say than to do but it is the way forward. Congratulations on finding a supportive gym.
Nice!!!!
Hugs and more Hugs!
Jen
Mary and Jen, thank you for the support. I went to the gym and wanted to use the private locker room and use the woman's locker room next time. Something inside me said no. I walked into the woman's locker room, changed and then worked out with my trainer. She was "easy" on me and I only had to stop leg lifts after 10 due to fear I was going to damage something in my vaginal area.
There was one woman that was behind me as I entered the locker room. She went to a locker 5 feet away from me, cool.
I wish my hair was fixed, right now. There is no way I can wear a wig and work out.
Today's workout was at 3:30; next weeks workout is at 4:30. There will be more woman in the locker room. I can do it.
When I walked out of the locker room after working out I felt more confident in myself.
I Gained 10 pounds during my GCS recuperation. I need to lose 30 pounds and I will do it.
I deposited my Aetna reimbursement check ($14,266) for GCS Dr. McGinn's cost at 66% reimbursement and the Lower Bucks Hospital check $5,350, they chose to take my insurance reimbursement instead. I am now funded for hair replacement, which I expect to be $10,000 to $15,000 round one.
I contacted Dr. Spiegel's and spoke to Carol. I am not satisfied with the results of the jowls. She asked I take a pic and send it to her. Then the Doctor and I will skype. If need be I will do a face to face in Boston.
I have a conference in Miami starting May 2nd. I need to lose 30 pounds by then. I will be on the beach :) I may stay a few days more or arrive early. May 2nd is a Tuesday So perhaps I arrive on Sunday and relax a few days.
My corrected birth certificate should arrive soon :)
When I refinance my house it will be in my legal name. :)
My therapist suggested I think about my need for therapy. I am in a very good spot right now. I no longer sleep with a loaded shotgun but think about putting it back in the bed. I seldom think about suicide and then only in passing. I am pretty happy at the moment. I am starting to feel better about myself. Perhaps I should stop seeing her. Perhaps I should see her twice a month.
Perhaps I should sell my house and move to the gayborhood or New Hope. No matter where I am I feel that I do not fit in. When I am with trans I feel better but still I feel a little like an outsider. I do not feel like a natal female and If I am with a guy I will need to disclose I am transsexual. If I do not have a wig on my thinning hair on top makes me feel self conscious. I love my curly hair and hope hair transplants can help with the top hair loss.
Sometimes I feel shaky inside, like my confidence shield is failing and the doubts about how I look, sound and act are just not in sync with the rest of the world. I doubt, are people nice to me because they feel sorry for me or because they like me.
Do you stop taking an antibiotic when you start feeling well or continue with the dosing until the script is done? I think I will continue with therapy weekly for now and cut it to twice a month after my wife moves out.
I have been taking pics of my vagina each day as the healing progressed. I am tomorrow 8 weeks post op. I have been taking a pick each day until I am fully healed. I am hoping to share the pics with the on-line community as this is how it looks for X months day by day. Do you think it would be a help or more a potential to attack by the right? If it can do someone good then I will. I do not have labia minora and my citreous is exposed until I have labioplasty ( which will consist of a clitoral hood) . I had a graft and my puny ( that is what Dr. McGinn said) penile skin was tossed, it had a small diameter and was 3/4th of an inch long. Any thoughts?
Congrats, Rachel Lynn! Being legally yourself is a Big Damn Deal. You can travel and go to the bathroom in all 50 states! ;)
Just a thought. Could some of that shakiness and doubt be that post-surgical depression or fog associated with general anesthesia?
I think you have the right plan for the therapy schedule. While your ex-wife is still under the roof with you there's a source of unfounded criticism right there, something to produce constant background anxiety. Twice a month is still fairly often, a good interval while you still aren't feeling 100%.
I sure understand the not quite feeling real and the wig thing. I will be stuck with wigs unless the cloning of follicle stem cells becomes a viable treatment, and I sure feel weird seeing myself in a mirror without my hair. It's on the moment I get up, and off when I go to bed. (I really, really don't like the results with the 'permanent' hair replacement systems.). I deal with it.
I'm celibate and pre-op, not qualified to comment on the rest. I just really hope your story has a happy ending!
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Hi Michelle, thank you for your support. For hair Dr. McGinn recommended Dr. Cooley in North Carolina. I have a quote based on the number of hairs. Dr. McGinn said he is the best on nailing the female hair line.
I took a bunch of pics and they said they could do 2000 to 2500 hairs based on the pics (I take bad selfies). With that hair they could do the front part of my scalp where it counts the most. When I am at his office they would give a better assessment on the number of hairs that can be harvested.
I am celibate too but hope to not be when I am cleared for sex and feel comfortable that my VJ is well healed. It is just that when I am looking for a potential partner I think about disclosure and when to disclose. I never thought about this in depth before GCS.
Today at work I was walking back from the staff bathroom from washing off my dilators and a woman stopped me. She asked me my name and then asked what I put into my hair to keep my curles? She went on to say she has a difficult time keeping her curls throughout the day. I said nothing. She then said twice that I had such beautiful hair :)
Carol from Dr. Spiegel's office called. She said she and Dr. Spiegel spoke and that to wait another month. If there is no change then they would have me come to the office and take care of it. She said sometimes the fat shifts or does not take and sometimes it take longer for the fat to reflate.
I have an appointment with Papillion 2/10/2017 and Mazzoni 2/28/2017. Mazzoni had called and my white blood cell count was high the two blood tests prior to my GCS and they want another blood test. I do not know what a high white blood cell count could mean.
I went to the gym last night and trained with my trainer. I trained from 4:30 to 5:30 and the woman's locker room was pretty busy at 5:30. I went to my locker and there were a few head turned. A woman or perhaps two left the locker row when I went to my locker. Being trans is a gift that keeps on giving.
With my therapist yesterday I started listing all the things I need to do with my transition and divorce. I was getting overwhelming. I mentioned that it feels like every step forward I take a step back. She mentioned I need to make a list and then Gantt chart to help organize my thoughts. She knows it really helps me and it is the way I think. I mentioned with FFS I need to get my jowls corrected. She said or you can accept your face as it is.
So I came home last night and dilated and #4 hurt again. In the morning it hurt too. Today it was much better. I guess when I work out I swell a bit and it is enough to make the vaginal entry rim a bit smaller. Sitting today was a little sore. I am fine now; it is something to keep in mind for next week.
Last night at group there were about 12 of us and all transwoman except the facilitator. One person was discussing something about her past marriage then said sorry there is a woman in the room, meaning the facilitator. It was very awkward and one woman was triggered.
I received a check from my insurance for the GCS anesthesia. My cost up front was $1,800 and insurance reimbursed me $2,200, go figure. I never received a bill from the hospital, so I am hoping it is a net 0 cost for me.
I was depressed this week. The depression was not like any I had before. The depression was constant but not about gender Identity. I had some very minor thoughts of suicide but they were in passing and not a concern. I do not know what caused it. I am starting to feel better and hope it has passed.
I went to my therapist Thursday and discussed my depression and the things that are happening in my life such as house settlement and feeling I have such a long road yet in my transition. Every two steps forward I take one step back.
I cancelled the first house settlement because the mediator did not respond to my request to exercise a part of the agreement. She will respond now but it is dragging on.
I sent two domestic relations orders to a company that will make the documents. Then the document's get filed with the divorce papers. They are for my ex-wife to receive 1/2 my pension and 60% of my one 403B.
Gym, my trainer had me keep a food journal for 2 weeks. She reviewed the journal and then proceeded to lecture me about healthy eating for 1 hour. Not just healthy eating but making all my food and from non GMO, organic and whole food. No workout this week :( . I felt bit overwhelmed. She said there is no point working out unless I eat her way.
I wanted to go to group but the street was shut down for Trump. Group is across the street from the Lowes Hotel and trump and the Republicans were there. There was very large peaceful protests and parade of protesters so I watched for a while. There were so many cops there. I could not help walking along and feeling insignificant and marginalized by people in power. There are executive memo's I read and feel that at a stroke of a pen we are next. The sentiment in certain parts of the country are against people in the minority and different, it is alarming.
On Tuesday I started to feel like myself again. Today I feel pretty well and at times happy. I have no idea what caused the depression or what it was about. It definitely was not gender related. Perhaps it was hormone related or surgery related. I stopped taking the T and that may be it. I will restart T tomorrow and see.
Last week was really tough at work, my trainer lectured me for an hour, I had to reschedule settlement, January was rainy and overcast, politics and I am trying to balance a week off for hair restoration and a new building opening. Perhaps those factors played a role.
Hair
I sent pictures to Dr. Cooley's office. They recommend FUE 2000 graphs for $9,000. I have insurance and my work covers hair for trans and expect 80% reimbursement. Dr. Cooley accepts Aetna too and if things work out my cost could be very little. When the doctor see's me they will know if more graphs can be harvested either then or another time. I was told to take a week off from work because after the transplant I need to spray the area every 1-2 hours with ATP for 5 days. They also use PRP for the graphs.My questions:
Have you ever heard of spraying the graphs with ATP?
Does taking 5 days off sound correct?
Have you had a positive graph survival rate and did they use PRP and ATP?
Rachel I would like to say your an inspiration to Me. I spent like 12 hrs reading this post! I hope everything is well with You because You deserve to be Happy!
Christine
Hi Christine, thank you. I am a lot more happy now than I was 5 years ago :)
My depression is gone, as of Tuesday, and I have no idea what it was from. I restarted the T cream this morning.
Next week I have house closing on Wednesday. Thursday I have therapist, gym and group. Saturday I have lunch with someone on Susan's.
I also read your whole posts since the beginning. I am where you started at present and am 53. I cannot remember how many times I try to break out. I just do not have the courage. I am not sure I can ever leave the starting gate. Our stories are very similar
Hi Chris129 have You talked to a therapist? You can leave the starting gate and just discover You!
Chris129 everyone here will help and encourage You! Be strong and ask questions and You get the answers. I'm 48 so I guess My life is just about to begin agian. Stay strong and Love yourself Girl!
((Hugs))
Yes I have talked to a therapist, but it just does not go any where. I have had three sessions. I know where I need to go, but cannot. The feelings are there and they always have, but I feel like I am a fraud. I wish they would just give me the drugs. a voice within me screams this, but I am silent
I appreciate your response
You can't be a fraud if Your true to Yourself. Not sure is this a gender therapist? Some therapist may tak longer than others. Don't be silent because you are your own advocate. Be honest and truthful. If You have to see another therapist because it can't hurt.
Love Christine
Feel like a fraud? I did that. So did many others.
My understanding is that we spent much of our lives living behind a false front pretending to be our assigned gender, and hiding our true selves to avoid feared responses from others. (Damage from growing up in a transphobic culture!)
Since we spend so much time and effort in concealment, even though largely not conscious of it, we can generalize that fear of being revealed into places where it shouldn't be, our professional lives, our family relationships, even our selves. We feel that we are frauds in aspects of our lives that are true!
I did this with my professional skills, feeling that I was a fraud even while racking up awards and patents. I did this with my thoughts of being trans, not sure I was real until I had been through three months of regular therapy sessions.
It's called Imposter Syndrome and is apparently pretty common in trans people.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
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About 1978 for a few weeks, I also felt like I was a fraud for not making any progress in my transition other than being on HRT. That was the real starting point of my transition that put me where I am today. Discuss it in therapy and when you overcome it, you will be on your way. You are not a fraud and are only dealing with doubt that is slowing your progress.
I have had two therapists and they were very different in their methods of therapy. I made significant progress with both. My present therapist practices a Rogarian method which puts responsibility on me to make advances. Both therapists gave me homework. My therapist said recently that I may want to consider in the future if I still need therapy. I have come a long way and it was a lot of personal growth. Each step was scary and took courage, when I mastered the step I felt so good. I have taken many steps and have a more to go. The difference now is I know I can do it and I will be better for the effort.
Chris129, think about transition as a staircase to 20 floors. You get to determine how fast you take each step and what floor you rest at or stop. Each step requires an effort and change which is scary but you feel better about yourself and gain confidence. Somewhere along the way on my staircase I started to feel good about myself and stopped looking at other people thinking what are they thinking about me. I have so much more self confidence and feel so much better about myself. Good luck in your journey.
Thank you for your feed back
So just a little venting, wearing a pad now for 11 weeks and it is getting old ( I change pads regularly). I am dilating 4 times a day and not 5 during the week. Time to dilate at work is reduced to 30 minutes one dilation and not 60 minutes 2 dilations. I am there 10 hours a day. I missed Rachel Levin at work because I was too busy in a new building construction project. Rant off.
I walked past about 200 construction workers waiting to get into the building before work start. Not a single remark or laugh, cool. I wore my flats too.
I refinanced my house today and bought out my ex-wife.
In the cafeteria at work I got a Chinese bowl. The woman there referred to me as Sir 5 or 6 times. It really bothers me and I do not know how to politely address it. I thought about just saying please do not call me sir. I also thought of saying hi my name is Rachel. Any advise would be appreciated.
There is no group tomorrow :(
I go to Papillion Friday :) for a check-up.
I used the T cream today.
Four years and still going strong, both you and the thread. :)
Big hugs, Devlyn
Depend a little as to how far you want to go. You might respond by mis gendering them or you can ignore them a time or two and then say Oh, are you talking to me? You will have to say something to them so they understand that you are unhappy with how they treat you or they will not change their ways.
"In the cafeteria at work I got a Chinese bowl. The woman there referred to me as Sir 5 or 6 times. It really bothers me and I do not know how to politely address it. I thought about just saying please do not call me sir. I also thought of saying hi my name is Rachel. Any advise would be appreciated."
It is unclear to me how you presented yourself in the cafeteria. If you are clearly and unmistakably presenting as a woman, then you might want to have a polite word as you suggested. If you are presenting in a more gender neutral manner, it might be best to wait until you are clearly sending signals of how you want to be addressed.
Hi Devlyn, 4 years, only the last 15 months have I kicked my transition into high gear. You were the first person on Susan's to give me support. It was a bleak time back then, thank you.
Hi Dena, I think I will use her as a baseline for my hair and breast procedures. After such I will see how she addresses me. If still male then I will just ask her please not to call me sir. I thought about what to do long and hard. Thank you.
Hi Katy, I was wearing a New York and company small black and white check pants, gray v neck sweater with the butterfly wing pendant Dr. McGinn gave me after GCS. I have diamond earrings and curly hair below my shoulder. I carry my purple cell phone and wallet combo as is the custom at work for woman workers. My voice is soft and not deep yet not female :( . My work ID has my name Rachel XXXX on it.
Today I went to Papillion for my 3 month check-up. Debbie is back to work and looks good. Lorie was there and both are so nice. I was seen by Brianna who is awesome.
I had one small granulation spot in the back of my vagina treated with silver nitrate.
My depth is just below 5 inches ( up from 4.75 inches). I was instructed to push a little harder to gain depth.
I can reduce dilations to 3 times a day, I am 11 weeks post-op (yah). I still need to use the 4 dilators.
I have necrosis on the top of the skin before the graph which is about 1.5 inches into the vagina. I was instructed to continue dry packing ( placing gauze in the VJ entrance and change it after peeing and dilation and showering). The gauze is the type with the cheese cloth consistency. I was instructed to use 0.5 percent hydroquarterzone cream twice a day up from once a day. The cream can cause the healing to stretch which is desirable. If that does not work then they will prescribe 1 % hydroquartazone cream followed by esterase cream. The tightness and pain I am feeling from the orange dilator (which was not there before) is from contraction of the scars on the VJ entrance. The hydroquartazone cream is to stretch the VJ entrance where the scar tissue is located. I also have two spots of white skin that may heal with a contraction of the skin.
My home work is to have an orgasm. Brianna asked how the T cream was doing and I said I do not feel any different and that I have no desire. Brianna went over where to stimulate. She said the clitoris and the prostate. I asked what the prostate felt like and where is it located. She said it is located almost to where the finger can not touch and is like a mini butt with two humps.
My next appointment I meet with Dr. McGinn to plan the BA and clitoral hood scheduling. I also want go over labia minor creation ever if it is a day 2 operation or procedure. I also asked if hair transplants will affect my BA scheduling and she said she will e-mail me Monday. Brianna wants me to send a VJ pic to her in one month so we can review the VJ progress. Brianna said my VJ is doing very well :)
I go to Mazzoni on the 28th to have a blood test to see if my white blood count is high. I has been high when I look at my blood test records over the past year and I want to look at the trend over time. I suspect it is still high. The blood test for GCS was not posted on my patient record. I have difficulty in the gym completing my trainer directed routines, more so than before. I will use steps to guide to endurance and energy. Presently I do about 24 flights at 5 am and I will increase that 21 more flights and time the activity up and down. When I looked up a high white blood count it was contrary to what I thought. I thought it was a good thing.
My trainer stopped my training last night when I almost threw up. She said I need to see a nutritionals and gave me a name and number after we reviewed my past week of eating. She said I am not eating enough and I am not getting high quality protein. What I think is good protein from nuts and soy she disputes. She also said I need to eat more before a workout for energy.
When somebody who know you before your transition misgenders you, it most likely is not be cause you appear masculine. It is because of habit or bias and that will require direct action to correct. Though you haven't posted an image here, I think you now appear quite feminine so there is no reason to misgender you because of your appearance.
If you want an unbiased determination of your passing ability, use a stranger on the street. An example is the other day, Mariah and I were at the Ford dealer waiting for my car to get an oil change (long story how that happened). Mariah was in makeup and dressed well. I was in a sweat shirt without makeup but yet a guy made a pass at both of us. It was a bit of a surprise to me because my face is still filling out after being off HRT for so long but it told me I have been making more progress than expected.
Hi Dena, you are right. She says sir 5 or 6 times when I do not here she say that to guys, but then I really did not listen in. The next time I get a bowl I will correct her and just say I a female or just show her my ID or just say I am Rachel.
Picture. I am so hesitant to show my face. I think I look male, even though others say different. My hair is long but the front is receded and the top is thin. I have a very good quality wig but I am not use to wearing it. I only wore it at a work annual dinner. I have makeup but I very seldom were it. If I do it is a flesh color lipstick with highlights and mascara.
I would love to get hit on.
I made an appointment with a speech pathologist for next Monday evening. It as the same person that coached Dr. McGinn. I explained to the speech pathologist that I wanted to start with training my voice and if that was not sufficient then have VFS and then more training. She was on board and named one of the two people I was considering for VFS.
I will schedule hair transplants tomorrow, with luck.
March 20th, I scheduled a 3500 hair follicle transplant by Dr. Jerry Cooley FUT method for $13,500. Any thoughts, ideas, advise or suggestions are welcome. It includes shuttle service and 2 nights hotel stay.
I have a voice lesson tomorrow. This will be difficult but necessary. I prepped people at work that I am taking voice lesions and I will need to practice at work.
I had been practicing my voice for 5 years in my car on the way too and back from work. When I hear a recording of my voice it is very different than it was 5 years ago. Yet, it needs more work in pitch, intonation and melody. My goal is to have a female voice and for some reason I feel embarrassed thinking of how awkward my voice will sound when trying to change it and seeing peoples reactions.
30 Days till hair replacement. I am awaiting to see if Aetna accepts Dr. Cooley as an out of network provider. I got a round trip ticked from Frontier airlines for $78 and it is a direct flight out of Trenton.
I am preparing my taxes and out of pocket last year for medical is a little over $60,000. At least I will have a nice deduction. Aetna paid a little over $22,000. FFS was $50,000 which was not covered by Aetna.
I went to the voice pathologist tonight. It went very well and I understand what she is saying and what she is trying to do. She gave me some home work to practice and I see her next Friday.
She asked me to hum at 220 Hz and I was at 208. Then we practiced face front sounds and how to start the sound. We also practiced wind and proper posture to speak. She had me hum higher and higher and I hummed do ray me fa so la te. She than asked if I had singing lessons. I said no. I can not sing a note. She was happy with my base voice pitch and she said I can develop a very beautiful voice. We then practiced words and a few sentences. I clipped a few words and we paused and she asked me to notice how I said the word.
I need to take notice of female speech for intonation, pitch and resonance. She also wants me to take note of how woman hang on vowels.
I wish there was a magic pill.
Quote from: Michelle_P on February 03, 2017, 09:34:46 PM
Feel like a fraud? I did that. So did many others.
My understanding is that we spent much of our lives living behind a false front pretending to be our assigned gender, and hiding our true selves to avoid feared responses from others. (Damage from growing up in a transphobic culture!)
Since we spend so much time and effort in concealment, even though largely not conscious of it, we can generalize that fear of being revealed into places where it shouldn't be, our professional lives, our family relationships, even our selves. We feel that we are frauds in aspects of our lives that are true!
I did this with my professional skills, feeling that I was a fraud even while racking up awards and patents. I did this with my thoughts of being trans, not sure I was real until I had been through three months of regular therapy sessions.
It's called Imposter Syndrome and is apparently pretty common in trans people.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
Wow. This is quite a revelation. I am not a cis-gender woman, but I have felt like this my whole life. High achiever, and always convinced no matter what I did, I did not deserve any recognition or credit for what I have achieved.
Thank you for this, Michelle. I am kind of stunned right now, and trying to process what this means to me in terms of my self-perception.
~Terri
It's a little difficult at first but don't worry because your starting voice will work well. Before surgery and with therapy my working voice was about 130 HZ and I couldn't push it above 180 HZ. Being able to go above 220 HZ indicates you have the potential and you just need to develop it. No magic pill required.
Hi Dina, thank you for your support.
Part of what I was thinking, which I know is not realistic or brave, is that if I had future VFS then I would have to use future learned vocal training. If I learned the vocal training without VFS then I would need to consciously use it. With some people like my boss I have some fear of changing my voice. I know how he feels about trans and I just need to break through and do it.
I received a call from an Aetna person about Dr. Cooley and out of network provider. He said he had 12 days to make a determination. I spoke with him and he asked if the transplant was because of age related hair loss. I said no and that I am trans and it is to make a feminine hair line. He said he was going to pass it to his medical director once he determined the correct cpt code and confirmed it with Dr. Cooley's office.
Taxes, I could only claim $47,000 of my $63,000 of transition medical care on my taxes. I guess next year I will claim the remainder.
I went to group but remained silent about the upcoming hair transplant procedure. I felt self conscious as some of the woman there do not have medical coverage that covers it. There were some new additions to group, a firefighter and a student ( I wish I started HRT in college).
I got hit on in the elevator in the parking garage in the gayborhood. There was a cis woman there too but he just hit on me :) .
The topic of hair color came up before our biweekly directors meeting. My boss said he did not care if I colored my hair purple. I was just teasing him.
I got generic delestrogen at the Mazzoni Walgreen. It was $127.00. When the name brand is available the price of the generic will drop.
My PA-c just has me on E. He said to stop P (I have not taken it since November). Dr, McGinn had me stop it for GCS recovery. Dr. McGinn prescribed me a low level T cream. I took about a 1/3 dose. I never could wrap my head around taking T. My PA-c said he does not recommend T. So the T just went into the trash, it felt good, I had a bad experience on T :) .
I had a blood test. I am interested in my T level and white blood count. If my WBC is high my PA-c will refer me to a hematologist.
I love going to Mazzoni. There are so many trans there and in the neighborhood it feels comfortable.
Hi Rachel,
I will be watching to see how your hair transplant goes. It is on my agenda at some point. I hate the thought of spending money in North Carolina as long as they have the bathroom law in place, but what ya gonna do?
I was wondering about your statement on taxes as everything I have seen says no tax deduction for cosmetic surgery for appearance improvement.
Congrats on being hit on. Was it complimentary or an annoyance?
Moni
Being hit on. The guy was cute and 40ish. He was polite and showed interest. I thought he is really friendly and when I was walking out of the elevator he said good by and have a nice night. When I left the elevator it sunk in, I was hit on. I felt flattered.
I received a call from Aetna today saying my Aetna extended benefits ( work supplied benefit in excess of Aetna's standard policy) was paying 100% doe the hair transplant minus a $75 in office deductible. I also received an e-mail from Dr. Coolies office stating my procedure was 100% paid for.
North Carolina, I am using the woman's room.
I am back on injectable E :) . I had tears rolling down my face when at group one woman was explaining her experiences with mis-gendering. Being on injectables are much different than pills for me. I am still at my pre-transitioning dose of E. I am off the T cream.
I purchased a vibrator from a shop on 12th and Chestnut. There were 2 woman employees. I explained the situation and they were very helpful. I used it and it felt good but no O :( .
The two qualified domestic relation orders are with my pension and 403B for pre-approval. This is the second to last step for divorce. Next I submit the pre-approved QUADRO's to the court and we get the decree.
My trainer said if I do not make progress with my weight and stamina in 6 weeks she will no longer train me. She is a high intensity trainer and my throwing up last week in the gym was unacceptable to her (it was after a very intense set and the last set). Sometimes change is not always bad. In 6 weeks if she no longer wants me as a client so be it. If she does want me as a client then I need to have the answer if I really want her as a trainer. I am leaning to trying it alone for a while. I owe her a great debt of gratitude. She has helped me so much but perhaps she is right and change is inevitable and not a bad thing.
I started with the nutritionist Friday. He is working up a program for me.
8 days from now I will be in North Carolina. 9 days from now I will had 3000 hair transplants. I am excited.
I started with a nutritionist. I am supposed to consume 2000-2200 calories and 125 grams of protein and perform an amount of exercise per day. So far eating that much protein is tough and 2000 calories is a lot of food.
I had my 3rd voice training session Wednesday. Practice is important. I can get this :) .
Last night while exercising with my trainer I was on my last set and when I was done I threw up. I do not know what to do. She said 2 weeks ago if my endurance did not improve and if I did not lose weight she was going to stop training me. I feel that she is judging me on everything I do and if I do not measure up she will dump me. Puking is not a good thing and I as so embarrassed.
I feel betrayed. My trainer helped me overcome my fear of going into the gym and helped me by introducing me to two trans workers there. She helped me when I started using the woman's locker room. She helped me to get interested in exercise and nutrition. I thought she as a friend and ally.
I guess I will find out what happens in 4 weeks.
Rachel, I've met trainers who just think in speed work and high intensity workouts. My triathlon team used to get discounts on services from such a group and so I availed myself of them. The conversations tended to look like this:
Sadie: I am primarily interested in building very deep aerobic capacity for multi-day mountaineering and in training to be highly efficient at burning fats at the highest possible output levels and thus sparing carbs (especially muscle glycogen) for the hardest parts of a given day of climbing. This fits well with my cycling style which tends to be 6-8 hour efforts with some bursts of intensity needed to keep pace with a group of younger cyclists on the hill sections where.
Trainer: That will require many hours, we can make you fit for racing in less time by adding interval training, speed work and more strength training.
Sadie: Speed work usually costs me too much the days after and my immune system tends to crash resulting in sickness
Trainer: We don't have any clients who can spend the amount of time you're talking about, speed work will get you in racing form in fewer hours per week
Sadie: Well you do, me. I'm fully able to commit 12-20 hours per week
Trainer: OK, but it's against my advice
<Doh>
I get it, they build their reputation on putting clients on the podium, which didn't interest me, I had taken up running & triathlon with the sole objective of being a better rock climber.
This was when I was 50+ and I'd started with this team as the old guy who would be at the back of the pack on training rides. Then one day a teammate noticed I was passing her on the start of a 2 mile hill climb that was part of our semi weekly early training ride+run "<deadname>, what are you doing here?" Then she realized I was on my fixed-gear bike ;-).
Over the next year I had built strength and depth to the point that I could be first to the top of that hill any week I wanted to, usually on my trusty one speed training bike (I never let on that there was absolutely no way I could keep up when we did repeats of that hill and would usually haul out my full road bike if I wanted to do repeats). One of the most fun days was when I took our strongest athlete, a 25 yo British woman and showed her how I could handle hills more efficiently than she did at twice her age and without any gears.
Ok, 'nuff bragging, 30 years before that I'd inquired about racing at a local shop and gotten such a nasty macho response ("don't even think about it unless you're prepared to puke a lot") that I'd not bothered to explore.
She may have gotten you to a place but she may also not be the right trainer for you. I'm pretty sure that my focus on endurance training is part of the reason a year on estrogen hasn't affected my strength. You're the client and if she's unable to put your objectives over her own views then I'm sure you can find someone better suited.
My cycling coach was the best guy I ever worked with and taught me how to be efficient and as comfortable as possible over long distances. At 45 he could still pace at 25 mph for 150 miles of hilly terrain. *His* trainer was a 3x Olympian who at 60 was still able to rip the legs off 20-something cat 1 racers.
Hi Sadie and thank you for your support. I must have the same trainer. She is head strong and very determined; perhaps to a blind eye to what I need.
Today like usual I was at work after lunch and I went to the bathroom then cleaned my dilators. When I went to use them in my office there was blood in my panties. I used my cell phone to see what was up. There were what looked like two cuts along side the white strip. The white strip has been there for a while and my doctor said it is normal healing. I guess I opened my legs too much when I was peeing?? I really do not know. Any suggestions?
I'm still 6 weeks pre-op, no direct ideas / experience yet.
Congratulations Sadie, the time will fly by. I am 4 months tomorrow post op and the time flew by.
I think the bleeding is from the packing. I made the packing a bit larger to get the stubborn necrotic tissue. I got 95% of the tissue out and just want the rest gone.
I take my pic tomorrow of the vaginal canal and send it to Brianna at Papillion. She wanted to see it 30 days from our office visit. I will tell her of the bleeding.
This may be TMI but. I have wetness from my vaginal canal that wet my panties (If I do not pack). There is a very slight odor I would guess is normal. It smell normal for that area. After the morning dilation I shower and clean the area. If I do not pack the area gets wet. Is it from lube? Is this normal? The wetness continues throughout the day. I really do not want to wear a pad for ever.
Monday I have a 3000 graph procedure with Dr. Cooley in Charlotte North Carolina. I can not wait to see how this turns out :) . I will need two procedures. The first procedure will do 2/3 of what I need and take care of the front where I need it the most.
I had my 4th voice lesson and I really need to start practicing at work. I feel embarrassed to try but I know it will happen sooner or later.
Tomorrow I have 3000 graphs starting at 7 AM. Tomorrow..
TSA inspected my carry on and pulled out my dilators. I had a female agent and I told her they were for dilating and she put them back and said have a nice day. I was referred to as she :)
I checked into the Hilton Garden Pineville in Scharlotte. The guy wanted to see ID to verify my reservation. My ID says Rachel Lynn xxxxxxx. He addressed me three times as sir. It is bothering me and tomorrow I will chat with him nicely and explained I am trans and female.
Rachel,
The 'sirs' really stinks. You are in a state with the bathroom law though, and I can't imagine this person hears a lot of positive news reports about trans folks. I have thought about doing what you are doing now. I can only imagine I would be a bit nervous about my surroundings. It is probably a bit of prejudice on my part, but I think it is a whole different world down there. Good luck.
Moni
Hi Monica, thanks for your support.
It really was not bad down there. I talked to a few people and they really do not care and said it is only a few people that are bigoted.
I had 3500 graphs and plenty of doner hair. I will return next year and have the rest done. They were able to get up to the crown. So next year the work will not be that much.
I had a 12 hour procedure. There were two people inserting the graphs and 6 people making the graphs. Dr. Cooley said I will be really happy with the result.
I wanted to do hair before FFS but waited as advised. I am excited to see how it turns out and glad I waited. The FFS scar will be 100% covered.
Rachel,
When you get a little further in recovery would you mind giving more detail. Were you under general anesthesia? Is it painful, for how long, swollen, that kind of stuff. I would like to look into it myself. I am able to go without a hair piece but it is thin right at the top. I appreciate any info you might give. Glad you are okay afterward. Thanks Hon!
Moni
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on March 21, 2017, 06:00:53 PM
I wanted to do hair before FFS but waited as advised. I am excited to see how it turns out and glad I waited. The FFS scar will be 100% covered.
I'm also considering some head work now, waaaay before FFS, and I'd like to know what is the advice you were given wrt waiting after FFS to have a hair transplant done. Could you share some info about this?
--
I'm almost never sirred while in girl mode (which never ceases to amaze me) but I guess my natural reaction would be to ma'am the offender and see their reaction :)
Hi Monica, The cost was $13,000 for 3000 graphs, They installed 3500 graphs. I asked if it would hurt and Dr. Cooley said they would give me an injection and I will be awake but not care. The gave local numbing injections and a bunch of pills. I am on day three post op and it itches. I have some antibiotics and protein powder they recommend from Hairshake. I have to keep my head covered with saran wrap and spray ATP on my head 1/hr when awake and 1/2 hours at night ( I set the alarm). The saran wrap ends tomorrow morning and I spray 1/ 3 or 4 hours after. If you do not touch your head there is no real pain. I will have a female hairline and they went up to the crown. Next year I will have the crown done. The operation was 12 hours with 2 people inserting the graphs.
Hi Fresas con Nata, I was advised by several here to wait till after FFS if you are having forehead lowering because with forehead lowering some of the graphs will be cut out. Also, you want to make sure the forehead lowering scar is covered. No other reason.
I was told the hairs will fall out and 2 to 3 months later they will start growing again. I have curly hair and the doctor said the hair will come in and not be aligned for curls, Then the follicles will communicate and in time the curls will align. He said he does not know why this happens.
Hi Rachel,
That is incredible. Hairs communicating, what's next? Thanks for the info. It sounds like something you want to stay home for at least the Saran Wrap part.
Moni
I had to go to work for a meeting today even though I am off Monday through Thursday. Saran wrap and black hat and all. I went home after the meeting. I need to go to work Friday for a monthly meeting with my boss. I think I have a lot more self confidence since coming out.
The itching is driving me cray.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on March 22, 2017, 05:28:52 PM
Hi Fresas con Nata, I was advised by several here to wait till after FFS if you are having forehead lowering because with forehead lowering some of the graphs will be cut out. Also, you want to make sure the forehead lowering scar is covered. No other reason.
That's what I guessed out of pure logic but a) the world is not always logical :) and b) there could be some other more profound reason. Glad to see it's not the case.
Thank you!
I just went on line and checked my e-mail. Aetna had a notice, so I opened it up. The additional fees charged for ICU and all the tests, doctors and such when I had my GCS was $68,860. This is in addition of the GCS and BA costs (BA is to be scheduled). That charge was about $30,000 of which I paid about $5,000. My cost for the added $68,860 charge is $78.00. So my GCS and BA coast is still about $5,000.
My GCS and paid for BA and added cost for the ICU and services had a charge total cost of about $100,000.
QuoteA guide to key terms
Term
This means
Your totals
Amount billed:
$67,895.75
The amount your doctor or health care provider billed for services.
Member rate:
$34,037.00
The agreed upon amount the in-network doctor or health care provider accepts as their fee.
Amount you saved:
$33,858.75
The difference between the amount billed and the in-network arranged pricing.
Pending or not payable:
$0.00
A claim that needs more review by us or an amount we did not pay. You may or may not have to
pay this. Read 'Your Claim Remarks' to learn more.
Deductible:
$0.00
The amount you pay before your health plan will pay benefits.
Coinsurance:
$0.00
When you pay part of the bill and we pay part of the bill. Some plans do not have coinsurance.
Copay:
$78.42
I have a checkup at Papillion April 7th. They want to make sure the vaginal canal has shed the necrotic material and the one white spot is healing correctly. I may have to walk about New Hope and/or Lambertville and shop afterwards.
I will need additional hair graphs next year to finish the job. The first graph section will make a huge difference.
I have a short list of things to accomplish with my transition. BA, labiaplasty, voice/vfs and round two hair transplants. The BA and labiaplasty are paid for and will happen this summer. I am working with a voice pathologist at present. It occurred to me today I am well into the transition process and can see the end in sight.
I will never pass and I will always look trans. I knew this from the start. My genital dysphoria is gone :) and I will optimize my feminine appearance.
I had a really nice top and outfit on today. I felt really good about myself. I also noticed others treated me a little different, nicer and friendlier. I never expected this to happen.
I went to Knock Saturday night in the Gayborhood at 12th and Locust. It is an upscale bar and restaurant. The food was heavenly. There were two female couples eating and a cis heterosexual crowd in the back room celebrating something. The bar was packed with guys of all ages, dressed very well. I thought how can I find someone? I like guys sexually but I am not outgoing.
Questions that came up a few times are could anyone find me attractive. Could anyone love me? Would I be something warm for someone to occupy time with? I do not think I will be looking in a upscale bar and restaurant. I need to figure out another avenue to meet people.
This may be too much information but it has been on my mind for a while.
When I was on HRT for a while my ability to have an erection diminished and then went away. My sex drive went to nothing. After GCS my sex drive was nothing and I was numb in most parts of my vagina and my clitoris was painful to the touch.
Fast forward 4.5 months post op and things have changed. My clitoris has a sexually peasant feeling when I am waking at times. When talking to an attractive guy I sometime think about sex and the vaginal area is awake and "sensitive". Also my sex drive is returning. I have sensation in my vagina and labia and mons. I think about guys and having sex with them.
This may be TMI but I thought it is important for me to write down and share. I really want to have sex with a guy and am getting to the point it is becoming a need.
Rachel,
This is not TMI to me. This subject is on the intimate side for you, but it is helpful to hear. You have been so generous with sharing so many things, I appreciate what you have done, the help you have given others. It is helpful for my peace of mind to know these changes are possible after GCS.
Moni
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on March 28, 2017, 04:39:06 PM
This may be too much information but it has been on my mind for a while.
When I was on HRT for a while my ability to have an erection diminished and then went away. My sex drive went to nothing. After GCS my sex drive was nothing and I was numb in most parts of my vagina and my clitoris was painful to the touch.
Fast forward 4.5 months post op and things have changed. My clitoris has a sexually peasant feeling when I am waking at times. When talking to an attractive guy I sometime think about sex and the vaginal area is awake and "sensitive". Also my sex drive is returning. I have sensation in my vagina and labia and mons. I think about guys and having sex with them.
This may be TMI but I thought it is important for me to write down and share. I really want to have sex with a guy and am getting to the point it is becoming a need.
Rachel Lynn, glad you are getting good feelings back. We all need to remember that it take time for the tissue, nerves, etc to heal so that it can be 6-12 months before we get all the feeling back.
Just discovered this topic and read the first page and the last. Positively surprised at how things have changed for your all these years Rachel! I really want to find the courage to start.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 29, 2017, 03:10:15 PM
Just discovered this topic and read the first page and the last. Positively surprised at how things have changed for your all these years Rachel! I really want to find the courage to start.
Would you describe your first steps as courageous, Rachel? Or desperate? Not my thread here but I say nothing builds courage like desperation.
Moni
I was trying to think of how to explain how I felt when I began the journey.
I think desperation is good. I was afraid. I got extra life insurance because I did not want to continue. I was fragile. I was too fragile to be allowed to start HRT for 5 months. I was too fragile to be allowed to go to group for about 9 months.
I think I had run out of time and somehow I trusted and listened to some people that helped me to continue. At first one day at a time.
I forgot to take my SSRI last week for 3 or 4 days ( I take the SSRI and IM E, no other meds) I did not realize how much it helps me. I also take some crap at home about being trans from my soon to be x and my daughter. Wednesday night was a really bad night. To boot, thoughts from my early childhood when I had a genital operation crept in. It took 3 days back on meds to get back on track. I was going to ask my doctor if I could go off the med but now I know there is no way I can.
I go to Dr. McGinns office Friday for a check up. I think the pic I sent them caused some concern. I think 98% of the necrotic outer skin from the graph is gone. The white streak of "healing" that did not concern them has doubled in size. I do dry packing and when I changed the packing there was blood. The good tissue next to the white tissue bleeds some times. Mostly just 5 or 6 drops.
I had lunch with a friend today. We talk about some pretty personal stuff. I was explaining the difficulty having an orgasm and how it is my homework. She said, why don't you just have sex. My response was I did not think of that, good idea. I was thinking, who the hell would have sex with me. I do not feel attractive in any way and have thoughts I will never be with someone again.
I do 30 flights of steps this morning at 5 am. I had to stop all exercise form the hair graphs but now can add some exercise but nothing too strenuous.
Wow - good catch on the meds. Stopping them scares the crap out of me. I know what happened the last time I stopped. Yucky.
Good luck on Friday. I hope all is good with everything.
Give yourself more credit - you look good.
Q: What was the name of the cream you used to dull the electrolysis/laser on your face?
I use super numb. It is 5% lidocaine. I keep working the cream into the skin. I also take 600mg of Motrin.
Thanks for the compliment about the looks. I hope the hair transplants will have a positive effect :) . I just have a lot of insecurities and apprehension with my looks.
Denise: When I have electrolysis near my mouth I use Emla Cream, which is prilocaine and lidocaine. If she's working on other parts of my face I just take Paracetamol or Ibuprofen.
Rachel: I've been following you since way back - congratulations on being so open about your struggles.
I never thought of having hair grafts. I had lost so much hair to male pattern baldness that I didn't think it was worth trying. I wear a wig every day.
Hi Mary, thank you for the support.
I had 3500 graphs done and it covers everything but the crown which is not that bad. I will go back next year and get more graphs and be done with it.
Everyone at works knows I am trans. I think work is 90% female with 14,000 employees. I know many woman wear wigs at work but I wanted to get graphs. I have a wig and will wear it if I have a work semi-formal event but I really do not like to wear the wig because people know me as they see me everyday. There were people at an event that did not recognize me. These are people that knew me for 20 or 30 years.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on April 04, 2017, 04:45:38 PM
Hi Mary, thank you for the support.
I had 3500 graphs done and it covers everything but the crown which is not that bad. I will go back next year and get more graphs and be done with it.
Everyone at works knows I am trans. I think work is 90% female with 14,000 employees. I know many woman wear wigs at work but I wanted to get graphs. I have a wig and will wear it if I have a work semi-formal event but I really do not like to wear the wig because people know me as they see me everyday. There were people at an event that did not recognize me. These are people that knew me for 20 or 30 years.
This is gonna be random but i think you are rather cool Rachel ^^
Thank you SailorMars1994, that was very nice of you to say.
I went to Papillion and saw Heather ( she is very nice). She examined me and the white patch is scar tissue. I guess when the necrotic tissue came off the scar tissue was exposed. I have two spots of scar tissue. One where I can see at the bottom lower front of the vagina and the other on the right side in a bit. I can feel it when I clean my vagina in the shower. I was prescribed a hydrocortisone cream. I see them May 15 for labiaplasty and if it is not better then they will prescribe estrogen cream. She said everything looks great otherwise. On May 15th they will schedule my BA.
I no longer need to dry pack :)
The odor is from lube in the back of my vagina that I can not clean out daily in the shower. She had me purchase a reusable 1.5 quart douche bag. I was instructed to use it twice a week in the shower with 2 squirts of hand soap in the bag and stop using it when the odor goes away. She also said I may want to use it once a week or two going forward.
She measured my vaginal depth and it is 5.5 inches. Last time there it was a little less than 5 inches. :)
She said everything looks great and I just need to use the #1 dilator for 5 minutes and #4 for 25 minutes 3 times a day and on May 15th my dilations will be reduced. :) :) :)
I douched again this morning in the shower and after dilating. I had discharge and odor today at work. Not as bad as the past but still there. I just switched lube back to surgilube to see if that makes a difference.
I dilated the second time today at 4 PM and #4 dilator was very painful with a little blood when done.
ugg
I have been using the prescription hydrocortisone cream to reduce the scarring in my vaginal canal. The cream will also cause the scars to stretch a bit. Dilations, 5 minutes #1 and 25 minutes #4 have become much less painful.
Odor, I switched back to Surgilube and the odor is gone.
My PCP at Mazzoni (LGBT medical practice) is on a leave of absence. He is accused of 16 years of sexual misconduct with addicted patients and quid per quo with addicted patients. My practitioner, a PA-c, is awesome and there is another MD in the practice and 7 other practitioners. I will not have the accused doctor on my insurance card as my PCP.
I spoke to several past workers at the medical offices and what he was doing was well known and reported many times. I suspect when the investigation is over there will be a lot of changes.
Group, it was packed with no more room for more people.
So far my hair graphs have not shed. It has been 24 days with no shedding. The time period I was told shedding can occur is day 21 to da 42. If there is no shedding then I will have a 3 to 6 month head start in hair growth. I am very happy so far :)
I shed about 1/3 of my hair graphs. So it will take those that shed about 3 months to end their resting phase.
I had my hair graph stiches removed today at Mazzoni. I switched my PCP to the new medical director and will still go to Dusty for my trans care :) .
I worked the pride table for an hour at work ( Lunch) at the research poster day event. We got a full page of people wanting to join the Pride mailing list. There were several woman that told me they were married to a trans partner.
It is spring and I love wearing spring tops at work. It feels good and I love the floral prints. I always admired them and now I wear them.
Last nights group was really depressing. Several people were saying how their families are giving them a lot of grief and can not transition while living in their house. Then a friend said she has dates from web sites and one from a gym but they all want to just have sex. A bunch of people joined in and said they have plenty of guys that want them for sex but not for a relationship. The relationship issue really hit me. It hit hard and it was something I thought about for years and now someone expressed how much it hurt.
I answered my cell phone from a person just starting transition. My wife made fun of my voice. After the call I came back into the family room and she said I sound like a guy trying to sound like a woman, that I was a joke and cartoonish and that she is embarrassed for me. She repeated it 3 more times. I just said thank you for your feedback after the third time.
My therapist asked me how I keep my composure when she says things like this or when there is physical abuse. I said I deflect it in my mind. It still hurts because some of it gets around the edges of my defenses then I just think it is temporary. I think that every day we change and just keep thinking things are static then one day you see that things have changed. I keep thinking things will change.
I told my therapist about one time I was in Mexico and got sick for a day and a half from the food. After a while I became very hungry and saw a McDonalds. I went there because I knew the food would be safe. It tasted like the best food I ever had. Not because it was good but because I knew I would not get sick. I said my life is like that and that is how I cope.
I have been trying to get off my SSRI. Last week I went 2 days and so far I have not taken it Saturday and Sunday. I have a headache but I do not have any suicidal ideation, which is why I went on them. I hope I can go the week and be free of them.
Dilation has become easy with no pain. I use the Soul Source #1 for 5 minutes and #4 for 25 minutes.
So my QDRO for my pension was pre-approved with noted changes. I am still waiting for the 403B comments from the actuaries. This is the longest divorce :(
I asked 3 times for my wife to go to the credit union and remove her name from my account. The excuse was I have no time. I will ask they send papers and I will have her fill it out and I will submit it to the bank. Then I will be able to change the name on my account. If this does not happen soon I will get an account from my work credit union and switch the funds to there.
I asked her to get a car loan so we can change the title on her car. She said whey don't we just change the name on the title. I said then I would be liable for the loan and the car would be hers.
I have a pink purple top and brown shorts on today. She said that is bright, I need sunglasses. I said I do not comment on your cloths and she said I do not dress as a freak. I said thank you hun and walked away.
I was thinking for the past couple of days. I feel really good expressing and just being myself. I am really finding my style and enjoying being me. This is so much different than just a few years ago when I just wanted to die. I still have my moments but not like the past.
I pretty much realize that I most likely will be alone the rest of my life. I will just enjoy the things I want to do and find joy in doing the things I like to do. I will try meet-ups for things like hiking and perhaps kayaking. I like museums and there are a bunch in Philly so I need to make a list and go to all of them.
Perhaps I will try to go to all the cheese steak/hoagie shops in Philly and rate them. Same thing with ice cream and pretzels. Maybe I will eat at each restaurant in the gayborhood and take notes. This could be fun :)
I know I want to go to gay bingo in the neighborhood which I have heard is a hoot.
QuoteI was thinking for the past couple of days. I feel really good expressing and just being myself. I am really finding my style and enjoying being me. This is so much different than just a few years ago when I just wanted to die. I still have my moments but not like the past.
I've been following this thread since I first found Susan's Place, long before I joined it, and well before I crashed and had to come out.
Rachel, your progress and experience has just been amazing. Those few sentences really sum this up. You've found yourself, accepted yourself, and embraced yourself.
Life may still throw you some surprises, but I bet there will be pleasant surprises in your future.
Congratulations!
Michelle
Thank you Michelle for your kind words and support.
Ok, I have an issue. I have to go to Miami next Monday - Wednesday. I will arrive in Miami at about 8 AM and have Monday free. Tuesday is booked till 5:30 and I can go to dinner with a large group. Usually there is a lot of drinking and I usually walk back to the hotel unless it is a long distance away. I may skip the Tuesday dinner. I have a skype call with Dr. Spiegel Wednesday at 11 then leave for the airport at about 1. So Wednesday is shot.
Check-in at the hotel is 4 PM. I would like to go to the beach Monday. I need to wear a hat due to my hair graphs :( . I need to buy a bathing suit, 1 piece. This will be the first time on the beach as me. I am apprehensive and scared. I have a little stomach fat and some love handles. I have a size 10 bathing suit but it is a little tight. I may need to buy a size 12 :(
It would be so easy to wear female shorts and a T and call it a day but not being true to who I am. I do not know what to do. I feel fat and not attractive. I am thin for a guy but at the 50th percentile for woman my age.
I love sitting on a beach under an umbrella reading a book. One of my all time best things to do. UGG I feel so out of place now.
Rachel,
You are way away from home and not near people who know you. Could you not consider this a freebee, a trial run with no consequences to the rest of your life? It might be easier to get a robe to start out with and shed it when you are at a comfortable spot. Women do that a lot. Whatever the method, it sounds like a great way to get your new beach life rolling.
Moni
Hi Monica, thank you for the support. Yes, it will be a long way from home and I will never see the people again. I guess it will be a good a place as any to go the beach.
My bathing suite from Long Tall Sally is set to arrive May 4th, the day after I get back from Miami. I can wear work out gear. I have a pair of short spandex pants and a T to the beach or buy a bathing suite when there.
I have a skype call with Dr. Spiegel on Wednesday and am looking forward to that :)
I am still trying to get CPT codes for my hair transplants so I can get reimbursed.
I was so much wanting to have my face, hair and breasts done and ready for this summer so I could better fit in. Even my GCS is a 2 step and the second step is May 15th. I guess next summer :( . Perhaps I was hoping the surgeries would make me happy with myself or how I see myself. I guess that only comes from within. When the dust settles I need to be happy with myself.
I am 6 days off my SSRI. I definitely can feel now. I have cried a few times. Things from my past tend to seep in. I have learned a lot of techniques and have dealt with a lot of previous issues such as sexual and physical abuse when I was young. I think I really understand what happened and all those involved have died. My therapist said something that made a lot of sense. Perhaps the person who did the sexual abuse had that happen to them. It as the last hanging item. When I went off my SSRI it did not seep back. What got to me was me and how I feel about myself. What almost sent me over the ledge was how my soon to be ex-wife rejected me. How my daughter wants to leave me in her past and not look back. I will get through this.
Feeling has its plusses and minuses. I need to work on the minuses. I guess that is how I feel about myself and how I can make new relationships.
Part of the reason I went off the SSRI was I was falling asleep at work and while driving. It was getting hard to wake up in the morning and I could not fully feel. Part of me wanted to see if things got overwhelming and I chose to end it all. Part of me wanted to see if I still needed it and yet another part wanted to see If I could do better now without it.
My therapist asked me a while back why I thought I never died when I tried to commit suicide. I had no answer. I pondered this for a long while. The only answer is what I said to myself when I came around the curve on I676 after my second suicide attempt December 2012. I do not want to die I want to be myself.
I just want to be me, simple. I promised myself this when I was 8. I worry about others. How they see me. I need to worry about how I see myself and how I feel. I want to live and feel good about myself.
Rachel,
I think trans folks worry so much about aligning our bodies. It is hard not to be obsessed with getting the physical things that have been wrong for so long fixed. Of course, the emotional, mental aspects must also be addressed. In a way maybe the physical is easier. The mental things involve facing our darkest places. I hope you will keep your head and be patient as the emotions start to flow. We already know you are a fighter. I wouldn't bet against you. You have done so much to start making a new life for yourself. I guess I want you to remember that everything you are doing will come together, it is gonna be okay.
Moni
Thank you Monica for your support.
I am now 12 days off my SSRI and things are leveled out. I definitely feel, which is a good thing. I have addressed many issues since going on the ssri. I definitely have made progress. I find myself more emotional; couple that with injecting last night and I cry much easier.
10 days from today I have labiaplasty and schedule my BA :) . My pending BA has conjured up feelings much like I had before FFS. Once I have the BA others will obviously see me with breasts. I wonder what they will think of me. Then I think they will think I am trans like they do now. Every step so far has felt wonderful after I healed and settled in so I am sure this will be no different, I hope.
Both my 403B and Pension returned the domestic relations orders to Pension appraisers. I called them and left a message. Once the changes are made I will submit it to the court and get on their docked for divorce. The official end of my marriage draws close :( . I will lose my friend, most likely forever. I need to make a new friend. I have no idea how to go about finding a close friend. This time around I am out and living my true self identity. What guy will want to be with me? Where will I find him and how do I go about finding him? I am 54 at the 50th percentile for weigh for woman my age and trans.
There is no moss under this stone.
Rachel I'm sure as the sun rise every morning "YOU WILL FIND SOME ONE" you need to get some old sugar daddy to spoil you rotten, size or shape is no always important it's what's in side that counts.
Coldheart, thank you for your support. Sugar daddy, that's funny. You are right, I need to get out and find someone.
I forgot, I spoke to Dr. Spiegel Wednesday about a graft revision on my face. I also discussed VFS with him and will be receiving a quote. I am seeing a voice pathologist and trying to learn intonation while projecting my voice and keeping pitch up. I am normally at 190 hertz and need to be at 220 on the low end. It is a lot to keep in mind while speaking.
My labiaplasty is on 5/15. I had a homework assignment the last time I was at Papillion about 4 weeks ago. I was to have an orgasm. Sounds easy but it is not, for me.
I have found that after I inject for about 6 of the 10 days I am more frequently aroused. I purchased 3 toys. One is smooth and small, one is smooth and anatomical with a rabbit, one is anatomical with circular ridges.
I used the latter one last night. No success but felt wonderful. I am learning to associate the action with pleasure. What I learned is the circular ridges really cleans out the vagina. I can not get over how much that coupled with water douching really cleans out the vagina. I feel clean and there is no odor whatsoever, almost, just a very very slight odor. I also have the desire to use it again.
I wanted to share this because the length, width, shape and contour is very important as well as just using it.
I had a homework assignment from Dr. McGinn's office when I was last there 4 weeks ago. I go there 5/15/2017, next Monday and I was stressing over the assignment which was to have an orgasm. Last night I completed my assignment :) . I would like to share my experience:
I had lost all desire for sex about 1 year prior to GCS. I am 5 months 3 weeks post op. I had my whole glands penis used for my clitoris (it is small) and it fits well between my lips. I have a feeling like sexual arousal when I walk or stand. I did not know that prior to last night.
I purchased a small smooth, medium anatomical with rabbit and larger and longer anatomical dildoes. I had been trying to find my prostate and rub it with the dildo. There was some pleasure but nothing earth shattering. Last night I noticed my clitoris became very much less sensitive and rubbing the labia majoria and minora between my clitoris was extremely pleasurable. I was also rubbing my nipples. Then the desire to rub relatively hard and fast between my clitoris came on. A thought that I may damage my clitoris came to mind (it is definitely a robust sex organ and had no issue afterwards) Then sensation became overpowering. I had a deep vaginal orgasm :) . It was wonderful.
Now I want to repeat the process and have been thinking of it off and on all day. The sleeper has awaken :)
On another note, I was able to put my name on my bank account, debit and credit card today. :) My wife finally signed the form.
Congrats!!
Envious...😇
Hugs,
Jen
Hi Jen, thanks.
Monday is my labiaplasty (clitoral hood) and we pick a date for my BA. I have similar feelings I felt when I had FFS. I feel somewhat embarrassed and shy about coming to work and looking so different. I want the BA so I have a more feminine figure. I am doing this for me. It is as if everything I do to be me takes so much mental change in how I think people see me. I definitely am out of my comfort zone, again.
It was the second Friday of the month and we had a lunchtime get-together. My friend I have known for 29 years said to me you are really becoming a woman. His face was sad when he said it. I could not help but feel sad and at the same time happy.
I have been off my SSRI for about a month. I have been experiencing much more emotions and feeling. Sometimes it get a little overwhelming. The feelings pass so I know I just need to let it pass.
I have been thinking about the next chapter in my life. Where to live and how to get out and socialize more.
The pre-approved domestic relation orders for my pension and 403B were sent to the mediator. She will get us on the court docket for finalizing the divorce.
Rachel,
Congratulations on the big 'O'. I was thinking back to when you and I first talked. You were looking forward to FFS and asking questions about my surgery. Now you go for labiaplasty Monday and I go for my GCS pre-op. I thank you so much for all you have shared. I must admit to being terribly afraid that something will be found that stops my surgery. I really don't know what happens if I get a bad answer. Fear is a big thing with all the surgeries, before and after. You can be proud of all you have accomplished. Good luck to you!
Moni
Hi Monica, Thank you for your support. I hope to see you there at Papillion; my appointment is 10:30. I am excited for you. I remember the excitement and fear before GCS. If you would like someone to visit let me know and I will. I am close to New Hope and Lower Bucks Hospital.
Dr. McGinn performed 4 genitals examinations each time she said she thought she could do the operation but there is a real possibility the graph would die ( I had atypical genitals and area around the genitals). I was the first intersexed person Brianna saw as a patient and Dr. McGinn was discussing it with her during one genital exam. I ended up in the lower bucks emergency department from the blood test the day of GCS. I spent 2 days in the ICU after GCS. I was on bedrest for 3 weeks and had my catheter in for 2 weeks. I had a 4 inch vaginal depth after the operation and now 5.5 inches. I had a computer monitor thrown on me the night before GCS and I had a huge bruise on my chest; ( I had my hair pulled, a water bottle hit me on the side of my head and I was punched in the head and between my legs). I covered up the best I could. One week after my operation I was closed up (many stitches) and told the graph might not take and that she was concerned. Anything that could go wrong did and I still made it. It is normal to think something can go wrong but you are with professionals. Dr. McGinn and her staff have been so incredibly good and caring to me I can not give enough praise.
This may sound impossible but the last time I had genital dysphoria was the morning before the operation. I awoke and my genital dysphoria was cured.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on May 13, 2017, 04:22:44 PM
Hi Monica, Thank you for your support. I hope to see you there at Papillion; my appointment is 10:30. I am excited for you. I remember the excitement and fear before GCS. If you would like someone to visit let me know and I will. I am close to New Hope and Lower Bucks Hospital.
Dr. McGinn performed 4 genitals examinations each time she said she thought she could do the operation but there is a real possibility the graph would die ( I had atypical genitals and area around the genitals). I was the first intersexed person Brianna saw as a patient and Dr. McGinn was discussing it with her during one genital exam. I ended up in the lower bucks emergency department from the blood test the day of GCS. I spent 2 days in the ICU after GCS. I was on bedrest for 3 weeks and had my catheter in for 2 weeks. I had a 4 inch vaginal depth after the operation and now 5.5 inches. I had a computer monitor thrown on me the night before GCS and I had a huge bruise on my chest; ( I had my hair pulled, a water bottle hit me on the side of my head and I was punched in the head and between my legs). I covered up the best I could. One week after my operation I was closed up (many stitches) and told the graph might not take and that she was concerned. Anything that could go wrong did and I still made it. It is normal to think something can go wrong but you are with professionals. Dr. McGinn and her staff have been so incredibly good and caring to me I can not give enough praise.
This may sound impossible but the last time I had genital dysphoria was the morning before the operation. I awoke and my genital dysphoria was cured.
Thank you Rachel. It helps to hear your advice, especially considering we have the same doctor. My pre-op is with my doctor here in Maryland. Funny I am not nervous about the surgery, I have great confidence in Dr. McGinn. I fear that something will stop me from getting there. It was the same fear I had before FFS only I am a year older. I only hope it is just crazy talk on my part. I don't want to be like Olympic runner who trained for years and years, was leading the race, only to get mixed up with another runner's feet right before the finish line and falls. How can someone recover from that? I will be lost if this surgery doesn't happen. I can imagine how scared you were as well.
I would love to meet you. I will PM you when it gets closer. Maybe you could come to her recovery house. Don't think I will be up for me making house calls right off, so its up to you, Girl.
I hope you are away from that abuse. How horrible you went through that.
I dream of losing that dysphoria. It has gotten worse than ever now that the end might be in sight.
A wonderful side note! I had an older lady wish me a Happy Mother's Day as I left the restaurant after dinner tonight. It was so sweet. Good luck Monday!
Moni
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on May 13, 2017, 04:22:44 PM
Hi Monica, Thank you for your support. I hope to see you there at Papillion; my appointment is 10:30. I am excited for you. I remember the excitement and fear before GCS. If you would like someone to visit let me know and I will. I am close to New Hope and Lower Bucks Hospital.
Dr. McGinn performed 4 genitals examinations each time she said she thought she could do the operation but there is a real possibility the graph would die ( I had atypical genitals and area around the genitals). I was the first intersexed person Brianna saw as a patient and Dr. McGinn was discussing it with her during one genital exam. I ended up in the lower bucks emergency department from the blood test the day of GCS. I spent 2 days in the ICU after GCS. I was on bedrest for 3 weeks and had my catheter in for 2 weeks. I had a 4 inch vaginal depth after the operation and now 5.5 inches. I had a computer monitor thrown on me the night before GCS and I had a huge bruise on my chest; ( I had my hair pulled, a water bottle hit me on the side of my head and I was punched in the head and between my legs). I covered up the best I could. One week after my operation I was closed up (many stitches) and told the graph might not take and that she was concerned. Anything that could go wrong did and I still made it. It is normal to think something can go wrong but you are with professionals. Dr. McGinn and her staff have been so incredibly good and caring to me I can not give enough praise.
This may sound impossible but the last time I had genital dysphoria was the morning before the operation. I awoke and my genital dysphoria was cured.
Who threw a computer monitor on you and hit you? That's bizarre .
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My soon to be ex-wife threw the monitor at me. I have been living on egg shells for 24 years. 99% of the time things are good 1% of the time it gets tough. I came from a physically and mentally abusive household.
So what did I do to deserve the attack? She said she had no one to talk about what is going on. She will not talk to me about anything trans. I convinced her go to a therapist 6 times until she stopped going saying she has nothing to talk to the therapist about. I recommended she talk to her 2 friends or sister. She got really upset and came after me. I covered up.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on May 13, 2017, 09:28:33 PM
My soon to be ex-wife threw the monitor at me. I have been living on egg shells for 24 years. 99% of the time things are good 1% of the time it gets tough. I came from a physically and mentally abusive household.
So what did I do to deserve the attack? She said she had no one to talk about what is going on. She will not talk to me about anything trans. I convinced her go to a therapist 6 times until she stopped going saying she has nothing to talk to the therapist about. I recommended she talk to her 2 friends or sister. She got really upset and came after me. I covered up.
Sounds like assault to me. Maybe jail would help. :/
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Quote from: Gertrude on May 13, 2017, 09:15:34 PM
Who threw a computer monitor on you and hit you? That's bizarre .
I would volunteer to throw a monitor at Moni if she thought it would help...
Quote from: Laurie on May 13, 2017, 10:53:24 PM
I would volunteer to throw a monitor at Moni if she thought it would help...
I don't think she wanted it and domestic abusers won't stop unless they're locked up. There's nothing noble about co-dependency.
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Quote from: Gertrude on May 13, 2017, 11:00:42 PM
I don't think she wanted it and domestic abusers won't stop unless they're locked up. There's nothing noble about co-dependency.
Trudy,
No, No, it is not. Neither are things to be tolerated. I do however believe some abusers can stop and have done so w/o being locked up. It can be symptom of some other problem and when that is resolved the abuse stops. I make no excuse for it, it is not right, but not all who have abused someone in some form need to be locked up. Some need help.
My remark was in jest to Moni and I believe she knows it was meant in fun. Besides I don't have a passport to go do it. .. shucks!
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 13, 2017, 11:12:50 PM
Trudy,
No, No, it is not. Neither are things to be tolerated. I do however believe some abusers can stop and have done so w/o being locked up. It can be symptom of some other problem and when that is resolved the abuse stops. I make no excuse for it, it is not right, but not all who have abused someone in some form need to be locked up. Some need help.
My remark was in jest to Moni and I believe she knows it was meant in fun. Besides I don't have a passport to go do it. .. shucks!
Laurie
Considering that she doesn't want to go to therapy, maybe jail would be the wake up call to deal with it.
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Sorry Trudy,
I can tell abuse is a touchy subject for you but, you seem to have missed the part that my remark was not to Rachael, but was meant for Moni. I do believe I mentioned Moni in it.
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 13, 2017, 11:38:07 PM
Sorry Trudy,
I can tell abuse is a touchy subject for you but, you seem to have missed the part that my remark was not to Rachael, but was meant for Moni. I do believe I mentioned Moni in it.
Laurie
Yeah, I did. My apologies. I just have a low tolerance for unjustified violence.
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Rachel, best wishes for the second part of your GCS tomorrow, and finally being able to get your breast augmentation scheduled.
I read this entire thread in the past few days and found it incredible. Your sincere thoughts and experiences have already given strength to many others, and will in the future.
On March 27, 2017 you said: "I will never pass and I will always look trans. I knew this from the start."
Even if you had been born Cisgender there are others who will jump to conclusions for their own convenience based on something – your ethnic background, the brand of car you drive, horoscope sign, whatever.
As you discover, grow and achieve things you previously assumed were impossible, I'll suggest the most important definition of passing is your own. You might be closer than you realize.
All the best for tomorrow.
Kendra
Laurie and Kendra, thank you for your support. I threatened to leave my wife many times after she would do physical violence but I never did. I was exposed to and had physical and verbal violence done to me when young and growing up. I was beaten by a family member to have sex when I was young. It finally stopped when a family friend of my mother saw the marks on my arm and lifted my shirt and saw the hundreds of line bruises from the impressions between the fist fingers. He said it was my fault and that I would go to foster care if I told and that this happened every day there. I felt so incredibly dirty and lived in fear. I slept in my sister's room whenever I could. When Oprah went public about the abuse she endured I received a phone call from him; I think I was in college at the time. He when over what Oprah had happen to her asked if I had anything to say. He repeated it 4 or 5 times. He never apologized, he was scared I would say something. I think the stature of limitations had not run out but perhaps it had. I think he was scared it would impact his marriage and job. He never said he was sorry. I live with this every day.
Something happens when I am yelled at or physically abused. It is a defense reaction and it is mental as well as physical. My therapist says I am reliving my childhood over and over and I need to break the cycle. When the divorce is final and she moves out it will be over. I will never live with or be with another person. I do not trust my partner judgement, it is faulted. I really am some place else when I had sex with someone, which was not frequent and not fair to them. I do not desire it with another person and will never have sex with another person.
I get the whole Moni thing, it is cute. I hope to run into her tomorrow at Papillion. I am happy for her and wish her the best of luck with her GCS.
Kendra, thank you for the kind words. I hope the hair implants and BA will help. I am awaiting insurance monies from the hair implants to fund VFS. My pitch is good but not quit there. I think a 30 hz lift will help a lot. I may never pass but I am doing my best to erase the male markings. I am much more comfortable in my skin now. I may pass some day. I understand, what you mean about my definition of passing.
Rachel, you might look at Bessel van der Kolk's book "the body keeps the score". There's also a research paper of the same title. It's helped me a lot with healing. He's a proponent of body centered as well as talk therapies.
Hi Sadie, thank you for the recommendation and I support; I ordered the book from Amazon.
I had my labiaplasty with doctor McGinn and Chrystal today at Papillion. She did amazing work and my clitoris looked fantastic. I am on no exercise for 4 weeks and no clitoris cleaning for 2 weeks then on out as needed cleaning with a Q-tip.
She did not remember the BA so I reminded her. She got my chart and she said oh you are the one that kept telling us you have a normal low heart rate and we did not believe you and tried to increase it. Yeah, that one. July 13 is the date for my BA :)
Initially Chrystal did my checkup and treated some granulation. She asked about relationships and orgasms and T. Relationships no. orgasm May 7th and T no. I told her I stopped it. She asked why and I said I was taking 1/3 the dose they recommended and my T was 80 ng/dl. My PA-c is not a fan of T for transwoman and for the same reason I was skiddiest. I hate the thought of T in my body; the thought it can attack my hair. Chrystal found a loose hair in my vagina and removed it. It was not growing in there but still, yuck. She said that may have been the cause of the vaginal discharge and odor.
Chrystal then asked why I was not in a relationship and not had intercourse. I replied something, I forget, then she said isn't this the point of the operation, to have a relationship now that you have the body that matches your gender. I said yes.
Doctor McGinn came in after Chrystal left and we had a chat. I discussed my FFS and the results and how the jowls are not to my expectation and she commented that my eyes are not as open as they could have been. I asked her about VFS and Dr. Spiegel and Haben. She said she is not a fan of VFS and that my voice was not bad. I told her I am going to Blaker Associates (she went there) and she said to say hi to them for her. She then said at some point you need to stop the surgeries and just live your life and be you. She said when your hair grows in it will make a big difference.
I took the discussions from Dr. McGinn and Chrystal as the mama bird kicking the baby bird out of the nest. I get what they are saying and they are right. Relationship, finding a guy and experiencing sex seam so daunting. I know deep down inside they are right and it is what I want but I am scared.
I haven't found a boyfriend since I had my surgery. For me it was just about knowing I was *right*. In any case I was hetero as a man, and moved from there to "hetero but too old to care". So transitioned to female and "I suppose I'm lesbian but too old to care", then when my body was right and I had plenty of Oestrogen I went to "I want a boyfriend!"
Still too old though.
Hi Mary,
You look great and are not too old. My trainer is 59 and in phenomenal condition. She has the heart of a tiger. I will start training in earnest in late summer. Right now it hurts to walk and I know 4 weeks with no exercise will be tough and tougher to restart.
Hi!
Mary you are only too old if you talk yourself into it. Put yourself out there and see. You too Rachel. Go for it ladies, don't sell yourselves short.
Rachel, my pre-op went well so far. I passed the physical and my chest X-ray was normal. If my labs are okay, I will be cleared. I wasn't at Papillon today. My exam was near home. Glad your procedure went well. I don't think we are hooked on surgeries but it takes a few to get us to where the mind and body are roughly aligned. She is right that the birdie must fly. :)
Moni
Hi Monica, thanks for the support. I do need to get out and surgeries are definitely getting old. I need round 2 for hair, BA and a correction with my jowls. I will see about VFS after another few months of voice training and using my full voice at work and elsewhere. I think Dr. McGinn's point was to live life and not do surgeries to some day feel complete.
I dilated Thursday morning and then Friday when I came home from work. Everything went well. Yes, once a day :) . My vagina looks beautiful and I am so incredibly happy I had GCS and it is finally behind me.
I saw my therapist Thursday. I went over some of the same old issues that are beginning to get old. I really need to look forward and just leave the past behind. I am tired of living in the past. I think I agree with her I have repeated my past and I will continue to do so until I break the pattern. I am ready.
I was walking down 12th street in the gayborhood after my therapist appointment. A guy walked up to me and said you are cute, talk to me. I stopped and he started a conversation. I could see he was very under the influence. I listened and we talked for a minute or two and then I said good by. Next I saw my trainer in the alley next to the gym training a guy. We chatted for a few minutes; the first thing she said was your doctor is spot on, you need to get on with your life. My next encounter was a monk, he grabbed my hand; he had a bracelet of beads which I said no thank you. It was not prepared to have someone grab my hand. Next time I will give him a donation. I think he had a bracelet of beads that represented prayers he said. I could tell he was a nice person. Then a healthy dinner and on to Macys Urban Decay for some makeup.
Group was good and one of the woman at group is going to the same voice therapist I am and we meet at the voice therapist office Wednesday. She is very nice.
The lawyer said she sent the DRO's to the Court and our divorce will be soon. Odd feeling, I just want it over and get on with things. I hope my wife, daughter and I can go out to dinner once in a while. I wish we could go down the shore and rent a house 1 week a year like we use to do. Perhaps some day they will be more comfortable in public with me.
Warning **This is gross**
When I had my 6th month GCS check-up, just before my labiaplasty, Chrystal at Papillion found a rolled up hair in the back of my vagina with some white stuff intertwined. She said I think this is the cause of the vaginal odor. I was douching with 3 quarts of water daily to mitigate the odor.
It has been 5 days and the odor is gone. I thought the odor was from they type of lube used then some other mysterious reason. I had gone to Papillion to have the odor checked out 2 months or so ago and I guess she missed the hair. It was really small and rolled up in a ball.
It has been 10 days since my labiaplasty and the pain is all but gone. In 4 days I clean under the skin and then when needed through experience. My feeling has returned and I am very happy so far with the look. I hope I can have an orgasm using clitoral stimulation again.
In general I have so much more feeling down than I had pre-op. I think that had to do with how my genitals were physically and how I feel about my genitals now. I want to test drive. I am torn, do I test drive to test drive or do I wait to test drive until I find the right person.
BA is July 12 :) 550 Mentor cohesive silicone over the muscle. Over the muscle because my Muscle is up high.
MY PA-c is moving to NYNY. I cried when he told me Tuesday. I was at my primary care to have the BA paperwork filled out. The two different places I went to get my blood test stuck me so many times. Finally she got a good vain and in 30 seconds 3 tubes of blood were filled.
My wife will file the pre-approved domestic relations orders with the court tomorrow as well as the final divorce document.
Rachel, this entire thread was so amazing! From start to finish. Reading you have helped me see and realize that I am truly blessed for all I have in my life. An amazing son, two beautiful step kids, and an incredibly strong wife who supports me. I always thought and played the victim that my life was so horrible for feeling this way. But your story has helped me grow so much. I am on hold from restarting hormones since I'm in male mode for employment reasons, but one day, one day soon Vicky will emerge. A strong and fierce woman! Loves!!!
Hi Vicky, thanks for the support. I am glad the thread has helped you.
Today was pretty good. I found Kotex sport thin U athletic panty liners. They are awesome. I need a thin small pad even though I dilate at night (1/day). I have moisture and need a daily use pad but not a full sized pad. I needed the full sized pad when I dilated after GCS but my vagina has healed and just need a small panty liner. They are soooooo comfortable and no more rash from pad to crotch rubbing :)
I had lunch with my soon to be ex. It was at bearburger 11th and Walnut, in the gayborhood. Sprouted bun and buffalo burger, salad no dressing and diet cola. After lunch I went to the woman's bathroom and my wife followed. We peed in stalls next to each other and there was not problem, very cool. I used my debit card with my name on it and it felt so good. Since 11/2015 (our divorce agreement date) she stalled taking her name off my account and stalled me on having my name on my account and debit and credit card.
She did not want to go to New Hope because half her clients are there and she did not want to run into any of them (she is ashamed of me). There are two great burger places there but I will leave that to another day.
My hair transplants that shed are growing. I can see them coming up through my scalp. Now, I need to be patient as they grow. The hair transplants that did not shed, about 5%, are growing very well and are entering into the awkward phase. Dr. Cooley said that it takes a year for the hair follicles to align and for the curls to align.
My sister offered to drive me to and from my BA on 7/17/17. I will e-mail Papillion see if I can uber to and from the hospital.
Today was my 2 weeks post labiaplasty and as instructed I cleaned under the hood with a Q-tip. It was clean. My (glands penis) clitoris is getting smaller and there is not much room to go in. I guess the skin is coming together.
I had a vaginal orgasm last night. I was very aroused all day. After dilating I decided to try to have an orgasm. I knew I could not stimulate my clitoris (2 more weeks) so I used a dildo, ribbed, for a while. It felt really good and I all the sudden had intense feelings proceeded before an orgasm. I would really love to have a guy and experience intercourse.
I am turning 55 on Wednesday. I think this will be an awesome year :)
Rachel Lynn, those little mini pads work great if you have only a little leakage during the day, no big pad to feel between your legs all day. Many cis woman wear one all the time or during part of the month when they have a little leakage. There are several brands on the stores just find the one that work best for you. Great you had a nice orgasm already.
Thank you mm. I have to use 3 during the day but the comfort is worth it and they are very inexpensive.
I went to group at the new Mazzoni site, Broad and Bainbridge; it is beautiful. My PA-c is moving to New York with his SO :( . I am happy for him and very grateful. Dusty, Alison and Elaine saved my life 5 years ago. Two of the three are on different paths but I will always be grateful to them and remember them.
BA is on 7/17/17. I was waffling about going bigger than 550cc. I have made my decision to stay with 550 cc and remember why I decided on 550 cc, to fit into average woman size and feel better about myself.
Rachel, I'm sure you researched the size issue extensively. Please excuse me if my message is redundant. Having read the accounts of a considerable number of individuals who have had BA, I think the general conclusion I would draw from their experiences is that less is more.
Are there reference tables on the internet for cup and chest size vis a vis implant volume? 550 could be a lot for one person and insufficient for another. It all depends...
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hello Katy, I agree. My main concern was having an A cup, cloths not fitting right, not having a female shape and not looking like I had a boob job. I have an issue with my body to start with. I have to go over the muscle because my muscle ends above the midpoint of my breasts. Mentor makes up to a 800 CC high implant. I am going with a 550 cc which was my original decision. I was watching a you tube where a plastic surgeon said half of her patients that have regrets would like smaller and half would want larger implants.
Honesty moment, I was considering larger implants to attract guys even though I knew larger boobs get in the way, are a pain when exercising and tops can be more difficult to fit correctly. Wrong reason !
Hello Gertrude, Mentor has a kit with the different sizes. They can be slipped into a bra to provide insight. Dr. McGinn did not offer them to me and I found out about the kit after the consult. I do not know if the doctor has the kit. I asked her opinion after I described what I was looking to accomplish (listed above). She recommended 550 cc and said it will make a full C. Another consideration, I am east to west which can not be changed with a BA.
I emailed Papillion with some questions:
Can I take a cab to and from the BA?
Should I stop eating and drinking before midnight the day before the BA ( I have the instructions for GCS about eating and liquids but not just a BA. I was supposed to have then at the same time.)?
Will the hospital call and tell me what time to be there (like with the GCS)?
No eating before any general. Some people vomit as the result of a general and that is a huge problem if you aren't awake when it happens. An additional question is will you need somebody to watch you for 24 hours after surgery. Normally that's required because a general can leave you dopy for a day or so afterward and there is a risk of falling or needing somebody to call for help if you can't. With my voice surgery, as I was by myself, I was required to spend the night after surgery in the hospital.
Hi Dina, thank you. I received a word document from Papillion with instructions and the papers to be signed. They said I need to have someone there for discharge :( . I pretty much knew the answer to the question but wanted to ask them just in case.
I have decided on 550 cc as originally planned and I am very satisfied with my decision.
I have the BA 7/17/17 and oral surgery 7/20/17. I was thinking about getting to work a few days that week because I think I need to be at Papillion that following Monday. So BA Monday, off Tuesday and work Wednesday, oral surgery Thursday, work Friday and off Monday. I am going to try my best to keep to this schedule unless I really need to be off.
I haven't had a BA but I suspect you may be a little uncomfortable for a few days after that. In addition, I think you are supposed to wear a special support garment and washing will be a little difficult for a week or two. Unless you can work from home, it may be a problem putting a full day in at the office.
Rachel,
For voice therapy, do you use the therapist through McGinn's office? If so do you like her? Is it in person or over the computer?
Moni
Rachel Lynn, I know you want to work on Wednesday, from several girls who have had BA; it takes a few days to get to where you can work particularly a full day at the office. Maybe a few hours from home would be possible. I think you should reconsider working on Wed. Good luck with everything you have going.
Hi Dina and mm, I think you are right and I will take the week and following Monday off. Thanks, I need to just let it go and not think of work, especially if I smell. I re-read the information from Papillion again and it did say no showering until the first office visit, 1 week after the BA :(. Stinky me, I will need do wash up with a wash cloth :(
Hi Monica, yes I use the one recommended through Papillion, Blaker Associates. I saw her tonight. I see her in person weekly and yes I think it helps. I tell her what specific issues I am having or notice and we work on solutions. I have 4 things to do this week for home work and practice. I keep all the lesson plans and review them periodically and practice all the time. I most likely will do VFS but voice pitch is just one component. I am relearning all the other factors that make a feminine speech pattern. It is hard work but doable. Voice is covered by my health insurance, both therapy and VFS.
I went to the second group I had wanted to attend for a long time. It was good but ends at 9 then a 45 minute ride home then dilating and up at 3 A.M. So I am tired today. I had fun and knew 4 people at the group.
I have had a lot of trouble getting my paperwork for my BA sent to Papillion from Mazzoni. They moved 2 weeks ago and I fear my paperwork is lost. Monday I will call again and ask to speak with a supervisor. I have until 6/17/17 to get them the paperwork.
I no longer am using the nutritionist my trainer recommended and am using a health coach through work. I set three goals and have completed one, not using the nutritionist. Next, to transition to group gym activities and eliminate the trainer. Lastly, to go to the gym 2 to 4 times a week, two classes and 2 core days.
The health coach session was going very well until the last question. Are you or have you suffered from depression. I kept it truthful but light. I did not want to hide but when I explain to a health care person my depression red flags wave. So I said I am seeing a therapist and my pcp is aware and treating me. She had more specific questions but I deflected them.
My hair transplants are progressing very well but it will be months before I know the extent of coverage and months more to get nice coverage. Waiting is tough. Anyhow, I was coming back from electrolysis and stopped at WAWA to get a small bag of Doritos and a diet coke. This is my treat for 2 hours of electrolysis, of which almost 1.5 hours was on my upper lip, ouch. I wear a work cap. A guy held the door open for me. I noticed this happening almost all the time. I thanked him and proceeded in the store. Later when I got home I went to the bathroom and with my cap on and I saw for the first time me as a woman looking back. Not even a question about it, I was thrilled. Yay :)
Confession and doubt
A minute or so after I saw a very female face in the mirror I thought about my upcoming BA (pending paperwork from my PCP) and that I had some mixed feelings. They were:
1-I do not look female so what is the use.
2-Are the implants too small or too big or just right.
3-How will I deal with the change and peoples reactions (this is a big issue).
4-What is the use, I will never pass.
5-What if clothes still do not look right on me.
6-Will the implants provide me with a more shapely figure.
After I saw my reflection in the mirror I had more confidence and something that was lacking became apparent. I had not been excited for the BA. Now I am excited and really want the procedure. Every procedure so far has helped me feel better about myself. I would not undo the procedures I had and I really think they improved my quality of life.
Rachel,
That is so thrilling to see the real you like that. Sometimes I think you should reread your own thread to see how far you have come. I am not one to say much about someone's looks. I just don't. I do think you should ease up on being so hard on yourself. I am in the same boat. Someone just told me to stop putting myself down. It really made me stop and say yeah I do that. What good is it doing me? So, the guys holding the door for you see you as female. I know anyone who can take 1 1/2 hours on the upper lip is tough. You are beautiful inside, I know this because I am familiar with your writing here, my dear. I just hope you and I can both learn to go further on this self acceptance thing. If you want to come visit me, you can see I won't win any beauty contests either. (Duh there I go again!)
Moni
Rachel: I'll say to you what the minister of my church said to me early in my new life. "You are a strong woman - you can do it." Perhaps you have reached the tipping point from "a trans-woman" to "a bit masculine but obviously a woman". I do feel that is done by understanding yourself to be female and behaving as a woman.
Rachel,
Could you go over acquiring the dilators for Dr. McGinn. I thought you had said that she provided the first two. Is that correct. Do I need to be ordering them with two weeks to go. I can't find any info from her on this. Thank you!
Moni
Hi Monica, Dr. McGinn provided the #1 and #2 dilator. You will need to buy the #3 and #4 dilator and a mirror. She should have provided a pamphlet on how to dilate. The dilators are from Soul Source. You can buy them now via the net but you will have time afterwards to buy them. I got them ahead of time just to ease my mind. Good luck.
Hi Mary, thank you. I definitely have continued to grow in my transition and I am accepting myself more and more. As time passes what was so hard to do becomes easy and fun. I think I am going to make it.
The QUARDO's are done and the final step in the divorce is being done.
Mazzoni finally sent my ekg and paperwork to Papillion for my BA :) .
I explained to my therapist yesterday how I was feeling about my BA. She said it was normal to feel a little embarrassed to all the sudden have breasts when you had small breasts prior. I guess it is just some jitters I need to let pass.
In Saturday's mail we received copies of the Qualified Domestic Relations Orders for my pension and 403B retirement accounts divisions. Also, we received an e-mail that my wife will receive the last step in the divorce paperwork Monday.
I suggested we go to the gayborhood and get burgers. The place has organic, grass fed, hormone free and antibiotic free meats and cheese's. Also, everything they offer is home made and super healthy such as fermented coleslaw. When we were leaving and going to the parking garage on Jefferson's Campus there was a large tent set up. Mia, a friend from group was there as well as 4 or 5 other transwoman. I walked over and we hugged and said hello. She invited us to stay a bit but knowing my wife I said thanks but we need to go. On our way to the car my wife started to comment about Mia's hair. I said she use to have dreads to her but and she is working on straightening her hair which was a few inches below her shoulders. I said she is really sweet. Then she said is she homeless and I said she sometimes stays with friends and out side. I then said she has a really upbeat personality and has a lot of friends. My wife then said ok, I am being judgmental and that is wrong. Perhaps she is getting better :) . One thing I noticed about myself, I walked away from my wife to hug Mia. It felt good and I was not embarrassed in the least bit even though my wife was looking on and I just did not care what she as thinking about me. Perhaps I too am getting better :) .
Today is the pride parade in Philadelphia. I am walking with work and working a table for work at Penn's Landing after the parade. I could openly discuss this with my wife and show her the cloths I will be wearing. Of course she said the obligatory "faggie parade" 6 or so times, but that is on her and not for me to own.
Rachel,
I can't help but see the symbolism of you moving away from your wife and walking toward the warm and friendly. The friend you hugged may not have had it all together but you embraced her like you are embracing your new life. It will only get better.
Moni
I agree with Moni about the symbolism. Better a messed-up friend than someone who is quite clear and not a friend.
New to barcelona, MTF transgender.
I really need to find a support group as I have only just restarted HRT after a long absence and have developed strong suicidal tendency from not having my HRT with already one failed attempt this year, I realy need a friend.
Thank you,
Hello Emily, welcome to Susan's place.
I am assuming Barcelona, Spain, is that correct? Is there a LGBT center near you or an LGBT area? If so you can call the center and visit the area and talk to some people and find out where there are resources and support groups. Remember, you are a beautiful and special person. There are people like us everywhere, you need to find them and get into community. Try Googling LGBT or trans support in Barcelona. You may find something easily.
Mary and Monte, I though about this as I was talking to my friend. In the past I would have had a lot of internal pressure and just taken whatever my wife said and not responded.
Final divorce papers signed and in the mail.
Hey Rachel,
I try to log into the forums at least once a year or so and this thread was listed as something that I once replied in. I looked back and saw that I commented on your starting hormones (I think the original thread about informed consent and Mazzoni). I just wanted to say how awesome that you are this far down the road, right?? Was it what you thought it would be? Are you happy? I think it's great that you documented your journey on here for other people to see :) Best of luck, Meghan
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on June 19, 2017, 06:51:25 PM
In the past I would have had a lot of internal pressure and just taken whatever my wife said and not responded.
Right! You are finding your strength as a woman.
You are in the right place!! Nothing you've stated I haven't read of others experiencing the same. I know it's scary, but it's also scary living your life as someone other than who you are. Your fears are valid, and understandable, and I wish you the best of luck in becoming the real you! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!
xoxo
Hi Megan, I can not believe I am over 4 years on HRT. Some things are awesome such as dealing with my dysphoria and being who I really am. There are a lot of supportive and good people out there. Work is wonderfully supportive for the most part. My only regrets is losing my marriage, which was a close friendship and straining my relationship with my daughter. I wonder what the future has in store for me :) Am I happy? In some ways I am very happy. I still have a ways to go in my transition; aside from my wife and daughter, I am ecstatic. I still have times when it is overwhelming and dark thoughts creep in but that is getting fewer and fewer and further apart.
Hi Mary, I agree, there is something about marginalization that wakes you up and fight for you position and what you have earned.
DJones, thank you for your support and prayers.
24 days till my BA :)
I am really not looking forward to anther operation. I am looking forward to having a more feminine figure.
I was thinking at what point will I be comfortable enough with myself to stop additional surgeries. Just because something is covered by insurance and I think I will be better off doing it does not mean I will actually be better. I will look different and sound different and that is closer to where I should have been but it does not erase my thoughts of not having support and being helpless to deal with horrible dysphoria. It does not stop me from replaying the past with different ending. Endings where I am able to stand up to the pressure and threats of parents and students.
I was at a retreat for work today. We had assigned seating and I was seated at a table with the heads of Infection Control, Psychology, Anesthesiology, Nursing and a few others. During the day the head of Psychology referenced what I said a few times as points to include in the flip chart to report out. Sounds good, but he said, " what he said ......". I said in a voice that only I could hear, I am not a he. I felt so hurt. Not at what he said but that my voice was still so weak.
All the surgeries and pain will not change the voice inside me that protects me, that stands up for myself but is unable to stand to others. GCS, FFS, electrolysis and now a BA will not help me escape my past or my inability to stand up to others. Only I can stand up for myself and break the cycle.
I feel lucky to be at that table, have that position and fear that I can very easily be eliminated like yesterdays trash. I fear making waves will jeopardies my present. Yet I feel I can not be myself unless I can express, respectfully, when someone miss genders me at work.
To paint a picture I had pink nail polish, makeup, a neckless, purse and a rocking black top with orange flowers and green stems and leaves and my hair is well below my shoulders.
Rachel,
Some very wonderful 'older sisters' pointed out to me something that helped me. They said that you go through steps or stages with this transition process. If there are 10 steps to get to the place we want to be at, and you are on step 5 or 6, it is okay. You can't jiggle your nose like 'Bewitched' and have it suddenly be done. You go through it, you learn, you work on yourself and it happens over time. It will take care of itself in a way. The thing is to learn to take pleasure along as you go. Don't hold off enjoyment until you have enough surgeries done. Do the things you want surgery wise, but smell those things called flowers along the way. I could very well dread this surgery, can't wait to get it over, if I get too goal oriented. Instead,I am gonna squeeze every ounce of enjoyment out of it that I can, or die trying. lol Part of that enjoyment will be seeing you, Hon. Relax, I know you are gonna be okay.
Moni
Hi Rachael,
I am sorry to hear the head of Psychology misgendered you at table full of co-workers. I don't see anything weak about your handling of the situation. The way you are presenting your authentic self shows nothing but courage as you have taken charge of your life and your career. Roll the clock back a bit - in 2013, what if someone could have handed you a time travel video of yourself at work four years in the future, interacting with other leaders in your company. As Rachael.
In addition to the fact you were at a company leadership meeting as Rachael, here are other things you did that demonstrate strength. You didn't make an inappropriate scene you might regret later. You didn't excuse yourself from the room and go home. You kept right on rockin that black top you were wearing, the one with orange flowers and green stems & leaves. You did not literally retreat from this retreat.
Since you already did the right thing, you now have several options available. You might have already considered the potential to talk with HR – not necessarily to file a complaint, but to seek advice on a solution going forward. How about a half day retreat with HR leaders on the topic of having a diverse and inclusive workforce, brainstorm a solution together to benefit the entire company. You could talk to this person directly or send a carefully worded email. Or you could turn the tables by playing politics without guilt, knowing they had played a politically dirty trick against you with their passive-aggressive behavior. You could quietly rally one of your advocates in your company to go to bat for you next time this happens, and coach them – they don't need to risk backlash by directly defending you, they can throw arrows back in other ways. The next time this happens, what if one of your progressive co-workers deliberately misgenders the head of Psychology in front of a room of his (or shall we say her) peers. You can have fun with this incident, Rachael.
As I type this the automatic spell checker doesn't understand the word "misgender". The world needs to catch up with us, and it will.
Hi Monica, I need to get out more and meet new people, try different things and enjoy the summer. Next weekend I have decided to go to the Franklin Institute :)
Hi Kendra, funny you mentioned if I could rewind to 2013. Thinking of the retreat, I am completely comfortable expressing, which is wonderful. May 15, 2013 I came out to My Operations Manager, HR and my boss. I thought I was going to lose my job. Friday I was obsessing on not having the courage to correct a doctor in the moment, in a respectful way. I guess when you put it the way you did I am doing well. I just need to practice respectful gender correction. I put myself down too much. Friday was an opportunity and a lesson. Opportunity to increase my agency and lesson I need to practice expressing and reinforcing my gender.
I was asked a question Thursday which has me thinking. Would I consider being with another trans woman? I started thinking would I ever consider being with a woman trans or cis?
I desire being with a man. I was not answering the question. I desire to be with a guy sexually. If I was with a woman then we would need to have mutual penetrative sex.
I love being friends with woman and guys too and submission to a partner is how I envision sex. I tend to be sexually attracted to guys that are into mechanical and or computer technology.
I think what is most attractive sexually is the closeness and caring with a person that is sincere and genuine and I could be with a woman. However, my primal urge and desire is to be with a guy.
My therapist said I should keep my options open and I may find love in places and times I least expect.
If my soon to be ex-wife accepted me and could have enjoyed sex with me as me, I would have been very happy. Although I desire a guy sexually it is a desire and not a need. Other factors would have more than made up the difference.
I contacted Dr. Cooley's office to inquire about hair transplants round 2. They wanted pics especially of the graph scar to see how it healed. The scar healed wonderfully.
I contacted Carol at Dr. Spiegel's office about a fat graph redo and VFS in Septembers time line. I contacted her 4 times in the past 2 weeks and wonder if they are on vacation. Perhaps I will call Wednesday.
I called about my birth certificate change status Monday and they are about a month away from my change. :(
Breast augmentation is 7/17, 13 days away. I still did not tell my soon to be ex-wife. I am a chicken. My sister offered to stay at her place and depending on how my wife reacts to me I may take her up on that. I have oral surgery 7/19 and need to be ready for that too.
Breast augmentation, I was at my sisters last Sunday and she put 550 cc's of water in baggies and a C cup bra. She and my brother-in-law said it was too small and I need the 800 cc implants. That would put me at a DD range. I explained to my sister later that I am east west and really big boobs would make that more pronounce, I think. My sister said have the doctor fix the east west issue.
I did the pros and cons to bigger than 550 cc implants:
Pro- bigger boobs and guys tend to like them better.
- I would have a much larger bust than waist.
Con- bigger boobs can get in the way
- I would look like I have a boob job and picked big implants
- I work in management and they may look at this as a negative
- The potential for capsular contraction increases
- Stretch mark probability increases.
- healing time is longer and there is more pain.
- I think I would look good with a smaller boob although I would fine with 800 cc's.
- I am afraid I will look bad.
I could always go bigger later and that recovery is easier because the pocket would have been stretched.
I am 10 days away from my BA. I told my wife what is happening on Thursday. There was a little push back but at this point I think she realizes it is going to happen. She said things like you will look more like a freak and 550 cc is huge and you will look fake. 550 cc is about right.
I received a quote from Dr. Spiegel for VFS and a correction on my jowls to tighten the skin. November is the earliest. I need a bit more time to research his work. I will have a FTF with one of his past VFS patients at the end of the month. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I have a quote for 2000 hair graphs and need to fit that in too, perhaps September.
I am at 200 pounds and will get to 180 in 2 months. 20 pounds down and 20 to go.
I have not been to group in 2 weeks. I wonder if I have outgrown group. I have been expressing for 20 months and am pretty comfortable. I really want to go to the 7:30 group at William Way which is a social group but it is so late when I get home. I really like the unrestricted feel of the group and no-one there will 302 you if you express distress.
My Operations Manager wants to wear a kilt on Fridays. I was thinking of getting a skirt or two and wearing them on Fridays. My boss may not be happy with kilts being worn. I think it would be fun and something I bet others will follow. The kilts would be cotton utility and in black. My staff wear all black.
Rachel, Congratulations on hitting a major weight loss goal!! I know from personal experience how difficult that can be. Your priorities and decisions are great and it shows.
Your Operations Manager wants to wear a kilt on Fridays, awesome! If you coordinate and wear a skirt same day - if you can rally a few people to do the same, bring bagels or other food for at least the first Friday where a few people do this. I've found the best way to bribe people in a corporate environment is with a $10 bag of bagels. A quick way to make it difficult for anyone to call Skilt Friday a bad thing.
Hi Kendra,
It would take a lot for me to wear a skirt at work. But if a male was doing something like wearing a kilt then it would be easier. I would need to coordinate (with him).
When I have my BA and am at 180 pounds then a dress may be something I would attempt. I need to do it well. I need to present to leadership ( a large auditorium) in September. My goal is to be in a dress.
It is funny, 20 months ago I was a mess coming out at work. There were so many hurdles which I jumped over and yet I still stress over things to come. I stress less because I know I will look and feel better about myself and it will be ok. Still it is stressful. Skirts, leggings and dresses are the final frontier :)
I agree food bribes are best. Doughnuts and pretzels work wonders :) .
I was driving with my daughter tonight. She shared with me that part of the patient population she is caring for during her clinicals are Transgender post-op. She said it is triggering but she is dealing with it.
When I came out she said to me I am dead to her and she did not believe in transgender. I hope she can grow from this clinical rotation.
BA T-9 days
The fact your daughter was able to share that with you says a lot. I think you are doing the sensible thing, being patient and hopeful she will become more accepting over time. She already has.
Roughly 10% of people in her clinical trials are probably left handed, and if they need to fill out any forms they are allowed to write with their left hand. In the past, writing with left hand was frowned on or not allowed.
Hi Kendra and thank you. I hope she comes around eventually.
Sometimes I just do not know how I get through a day. When I went to Papillion for my 6 month GCS check up the post visit write up said your breast augmentation is scheduled for 7/17/17. It was originally scheduled for 7/12/17. Today Lower Bucks Hospital called to do the preliminary check in and said my BA is 7/12/17. I confirmed with Papillion and then rescheduled everything back to 7/12/17. I just sent Debbie the post appointment write up with the mistake on it. I thought I was crazy but I guess not after all.
I received a quote for the 2000 hair follicle transplant including 2 days the hotel for $9,000. Insurance covers it.
I received a quote for VFS with Dr. Spiegel, he is in network and insurance covers it. I spoke with a patient that had FFS and then later VFS with him. She had a lot to say about the procedure she had and the results. She also spoke with the person shown on the internet that had VFS with Dr. Spiegel. I learned a lot last night
I am also preapproved for Dr. Haban. I do not have a quote from him or consultations.
I want VFS from Dr. Kim. I will need to pay for everything out of pocket if I go to him.
Rachel,
I don't speak of people's looks very often. I am one of perhaps a few folks on here who knows what you look like. I thought you were quite cute to be honest. I think you are hard on yourself Rachel. I couldn't picture you as a guy at all. That daughter needs to mature a little. It was really obvious you are female and that is the new reality. I hope she stops fighting the inevitable. More importantly, I hope she stops fighting your happiness.
Moni
Hi Monica, than you very much for your kind words. I think as the hair grows in I can see me in the mirror and he is dead. I really helps to get the feedback thank you so much.
I just returned from my breast augmentation. 555 cc cohesive silicone over the breast. In pre-op Dr. McGinn and Chrystal gave me a vaginal exam too. Dr. McGinn named my procedure. It is my last name, so if you PM me I will share the name of the procedure. She wants to do some more vaginal work at my 1 year mark to close a little of my vaginal canal opening at the bottom. Also, I have some granulation at the vaginal canal opening.
I love the people at Lower Bucks, the are so nice. They all remembered me :)
My BA went well and I am home now. I will be taking my pain meds for the first day and go from there. I am on a strong pain med now and will take Vicodin at 6.
I am super happy :) . I have boobies :)
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 12, 2017, 03:42:23 PM
Hi Monica, than you very much for your kind words. I think as the hair grows in I can see me in the mirror and he is dead. I really helps to get the feedback thank you so much.
I just returned from my breast augmentation. 555 cc cohesive silicone over the breast. In pre-op Dr. McGinn and Chrystal gave me a vaginal exam too. Dr. McGinn named my procedure. It is my last name, so if you PM me I will share the name of the procedure. She wants to do some more vaginal work at my 1 year mark to close a little of my vaginal canal opening at the bottom. Also, I have some granulation at the vaginal canal opening.
I love the people at Lower Bucks, the are so nice. They all remembered me :)
My BA went well and I am home now. I will be taking my pain meds for the first day and go from there. I am on a strong pain med now and will take Vicodin at 6.
I am super happy :) . I have boobies :)
Yea, you got BOOBS! Crap, you will definitely be a knockout now. So happy for you. Can you give us the blow by blow on this one too. I consulted with her for maybe next summer. She suggested 450 cc under the muscle. She gave me a big book to read. Is cohesive silicone the same as what I have heard called "gummy bears?" Anyway rest up my friend.
Moni
It was nice to give you
honest feedback. Wow, she named a procedure after you. That's like having your own star, isn't it? And yes let's swap some pics.
Hi Monica, I can share FFS and GCS before an after pics. The BA pic I can share too when the bandages are removed. I went with 555cc cohesive silicone above the muscle. I will share pics with those that are transsexual.
I shared my GCS pics when I visited you were in the hospital. You were really tired and may not remember.
My GCS had a lot of necrotic tissue on top of the graph and looks really bad when first done. Not to mention raised stretch mark scars ( I at one time was 327 pounds and now 198 , I was 202 before GCS and ballooned to 220 pounds:) Tell someone with and eating issue to eat and that is what happens) The stretch marks had really hurt. Today, Doctor McGinn was surprised by the amount of pigmentation on the gonad removal scars ( the scar the goes from below the pelvic bone to the repatriated gonad area).
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 12, 2017, 05:24:54 PM
> I at one time was 327 pounds and now 198
Rachel you are an inspiration for all of us, in so many ways.
And you acheived weight goals while adding a litre of material! 555 x2 = 1.1L ;)
Thank you Kendra. Weight has been an issue all my life. I ballooned and got really thin several times in my life. I want to get to 180 pounds and stay there.
BA Particulars
I took a cab from home to Lower Bucks Hospital and my sister picked me up and dropped me home in the afternoon.
I arrived at 7:45, 45 minutes early. Everyone remembered me from November and that was really nice. When I checked in they then sent me to a room to get my blood. They knew to lay me down so I did not get a vega nerve response.
After the blood work I sat in the local waiting area till 8:30. I was taken to a room and undressed and put on a gown and hospital robe. I was there till 10:15, when they took me to pre-op. There was a lot of conversation about last time and how that all went down. Vega nerve, puking, low blood pressure and electrolytes'. They made sure to listen to me and Chrystal from Papillion.
They had trouble with hitting a vain for the blood test and had trouble getting in the IV. It was about 11:15 when the IV was in. Dr. McGinn nd Chrystal did a vaginal exam and Dr. McGinn said I am famous and had the GCS procedure I had named after my last name. will see her in 5 months to reduce the size of my vaginal canal at the bottom. She has spent so much time and effort with me it is amazing. I shared I am vagionally and clitoral orgasmic and she was pleased.
Lower Bucks had forms for me to sign.
Chrystal went over their form and what they meant. Basically BA for a transwoman is different than Cis woman. They have to create a pocket that cis woman have and trans do not. There is a chance of blood loss if going under the muscle ( Mine was over the muscle because my pec muscle is up high, great anatomy I have).
They have to elongate the nerve that goes to the nipple and may have to sever it if I will not stretch and I would be numb at the nipples. I can not weight to see if I have nipple feeling. I love the nipple feeling so if it is gone I will be sad. From my puberty years on my nipples were so intense with feeling and a major foreplay zone.
I scooted onto the OR table. They had 2 warm blankets for me :) . We chatted about the GCS procedure I had the awoke in PACU.
I was very cold and they had the most delightful warming hose and two blankets on me. There was a lot of pain and I asked for pain meds. The meds help greatly. After a while I was wheeled to my room until my sister could take me home. I guess it was 2:30 when I was at my room.
When I awoke in the PACU the brief period until the pain meds kicked in there was a lot of pain.
When my to be ex-wife can home she said you are not really big. Then said I am happy about that. The week before I had installed a line in the shower so I can have a directed stream of water to help keep my vagina clean and get the lube out and have a normal vaginal smell. My wife said what is the for your fake vagina. She said it 5 or 6 times in front of our daughter. She really needs a way to get over here anger and move on.
Anyhow, the Vicodin help with the pain and I can not wait for the unveiling.
I need to mention how nice Dr. McGinn and Chrystal were yesterday. Also the Lower Bucks staff were awesome.
Yesterday was my first full day after my BA. Getting up in the morning was painful. I had to get my pain meds and wait 15 minutes to get some relief. Getting up from a chair I can not push with my hands. My legs are very strong so I use them.
Today, I thought I would not have the pain getting up in the morning. Wrong, it was just as painful. After the pain med it is tolerable.
Brianna from Papillion called and asked how I am doing. I told her one side (right) hurt more than the left. She said they had trouble getting that one in and that 555 is pretty big and they usually install 300 to 400 cc implants. I am hoping the nipple nerves are not damaged. Many of their patients are young and look fantastic and are on the small size.
I am 39 inches under my breasts and 44 inches around my breasts pre-op. I can not wait to see my breasts Monday. I was really apprehensive getting the BA but now I am so happy I did. Monday will be like opening up an awesome present.
I contacted Aetna today with an appeal for my electrolysis and GCS. They listed co-insurance and there is $8,000 I believe they owe me. The co-insurance is deceiving, it is for out of network provider and a markdown in addition to the co-pay and not counted toward co-pay. It is for out of network providers. My argument is that they do not have anyone in network for those services and thus should be allowed at full value because they have a lapse in in-network providers.
Hi Rachel,
I am so excited for you. Did they put them in with incision under the breast. Did they ever suggest using Progesterone cream to enlarge the nipples. She mentioned that possibility for me when I had my consult. As I recall, this was a two step procedure right? Keep blazing that trail my friend.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 14, 2017, 05:52:54 PM
Hi Rachel,
I am so excited for you. Did they put them in with incision under the breast. Did they ever suggest using Progesterone cream to enlarge the nipples. She mentioned that possibility for me when I had my consult. As I recall, this was a two step procedure right? Keep blazing that trail my friend.
Moni
Hi Monica, the BA was one step. The right breast is more sore than the left breast. Briannia said the had trouble getting the right one in. They made a incision below my breast to insert the implant. I am hoping they did not damage or sever the nerve to the nipple.
Looking at the ace bandage and tape the implants do not seem large. It looks rather small right now.
It looks like a full b. Maybe later they will look bigger. I am done with the BA either ways. A full b would be ok but I was really hoping for a full c.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Rachel,
You are still in a compression bandage right? That will make them look smaller. How long before they can breathe without that kind of binding?
Moni
Hi Monica,
The unveiling is Monday at Papillion :) Yes, the compression is pretty heavy and annoying. I can not wait to take a shower when I get home from the visit. I am a little nervous to find out if I still have nipple sensitivity.
My daughter has class and clinical Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and stays at school. She then comes home for 3 or 4 days. Last night she came in ( I stayed up to make sure she got home ok) and she did not notice my boobs. Today she did not notice my boobage, odd.
I think I will get a Moo burger afterward on Main Street in New Hope or maybe the Raven and get french onion soup and fish tacos. Maybe I will go to warrior and get a second set of ear piercings. I always wanted to go into the India shop and I think I will pay them a visit.
During recovery I spent three days across the street from the Raven. I will be thinking about you and hoping for a great result.
Moni
Beautiful avatar Monica :)
Pain Medication,
Tuesday I had my BA, 555 ml cohesive silicone above the muscle (mu muscle sits high on my chest). When I awoke in the PACU there was about a 10 second delay before the pain kicked in. It ramped up. The Nurse asked how I was doing and I asked for pain medication. It took a few minutes for the pain to ramp back down.
Waiting for my sister to arrive in the room I asked for some additional pain medication. The medication helped but did not stop all the pain. I had s script for Vicodin and took that as soon as I got home and continued till bedtime. I awoke and getting out of bed really hurt. The meds were in the kitchen and it was painful to get out of bed and get the meds. I learned to put the meds and water next to the bed.
From Tuesday till Saturday night I was doing well on the pain meds. Then it hit me and threw up for two hours and went to bed. I awoke and got out of bed. There was 5 minutes where the nerves needed to desensitize and I am ok. No more pain medication. I have been walking 5 miles a day and feel good.
Tomorrow I go to Papillion for the unveiling. Anyhow I am done with the pain medication and tomorrow morning I intend to get rid of the remainder. I just want to keep it just in case Dr. McGinn manipulates the implants.
Well done, Rachel Lynn. Seriously. Pain from upper body surgeries can be really debilitating. Even time we move out arms there is an unpleasant reminder. (No BA for me, just another damn cancer surgery. Still hurt like heck.)
The pain meds help, but damn, that stuff is both addictive and toxic. You are better off with that stuff gone if you can get by without it. (I worry about this stuff from a family history with substance abuse. I am scared to death of addiction.)
But, well done for getting through that week, and I hope the rest of your recovery is easy, smooth, and with happy results.
Hi Michelle, thank you and sorry about the cancer surgeries. You are doing well, so keep up the good work.
I too was concerned with the Vicodin. The last time I have Vicodin I had 2 with beer about 19 or 20 years ago. I am clean and sober 19 years. My family has addiction and depression issues too.
Papillion visit.
I had my bandages removed today. Dr. McGinn said she had to make two pockets with permanent sutures. My implants wanted to go down due to the weight loss and my skin not being tight. Usually she tells girls to not wear a bra and wear an ace bandage over top to drop the implants. I am the opposite. I am to wear an ace bandage for 1 month under with the addition of my sports bra which Dr. McGinn said was excellent and to order more :) . I need to not cause the implants to go down and break the stitches. She said I need to wait to exercise my chest for 3 to 4 months until my breasts implants are encapsulated. Do not push up in a chair or bed. She showed me how to move the implants over in the bra to make sure they do not slide on the side.
She said most girls say wow they look so big and then a week later are saying I should have gone bigger. She said it is just like a hair cut or color. She said the 555 cc was the max I can have or the implants could break through the sutures, which would be a bad thing, If I do not take care.
She said I am half under the muscle which will give some support. She said, "it is like a hybrid", half under and half over. The operation was 2 hours.
I have my procedure scheduled Monday November 20 at 10 AM. The procedure is to reduce the opening on the lower portion of my vaginal canal entrance.
Anyhow, I am done with BA and I have a chest now. My tops look better and I am happy. My chest is wide, 39" but I have done my best to feel better and look better. I gained 1.5 pounds of silicone last week and am still at 197/198 this morning :) , which means I lost 1.5 to 2.5 pounds last week. I have 17/18 pounds to my goal weight and 10 weeks to get there. I will reassess at 180 pounds. I will be looking at percentage of body fat. I can do cycling at the gym and some core exercised that involve squats and lunges , I can also do stairs. I will e-mail Papillion in 4 months to see when I can start yoga and do rowing and pushups and the like.
Well no lunch in New Hope :( Instead I had two tubes of juvederm in my lips and a little in my chin :) .I love the way it looks and it definitely makes my face look more feminine. Dr. McGinn said it takes 2 or three applications before it is permanent and this application should last a year.
Dr. McGinn said no more operations with her for 8 months then I can have my vaginal opening reduced in size at the bottom. The only other procedure I would consider would be tummy skin reduction in the future but that would be next year. Also more juvedem in the future. Maybe minor face tweaks as I age too. When doing the lip injections she asked who did my nose and I said no one. I have a nice nose.
I am preapproved for Dr. Spiegel for VFS in network and Dr. Haban out of network, I can file an out of network equivalent. Dr. Kim would be out of pocket because he is not in the USA. Political rant, I could have had FFS, BA, hair, voice and GCS in Thailand for what I paid for FFS in the USA, something is wrong with the picture, end Political rant.
Definitely on the raider is planning for Dr. Cooley round 2 hair. This will conclude my hair implant need.
So far Dr. McGinn was absolutely awesome in every way with my GCS and BA and lips :)
Dr. Spiegel did a great job on my face. There are some tweaks needed and I intend to have done. I do not look like I had FFS. I would have loved to look more female with a more shaped jawline but I have a round face. I think losing 17/18 more pounds will help along with a bit of tightening.
Dr. Cooley was Awesome with hair graphs and I look forward to going back. The whole experience was great. Even going to North Carolina did not turn out too be a big issue.
Happy for u Rachel
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 17, 2017, 12:56:45 PM
I am preapproved for Dr. Spiegel for VFS in network and Dr. Haban out of network, I can file an out of network equivalent. Dr. Kim would be out of pocket because he is not in the USA. Political rant, I could have had FFS, BA, hair, voice and GCS in Thailand for what I paid for FFS in the USA, something is wrong with the picture, end Political rant.
So you got SRS, BA, hair transplants, and now VFS covered by insurance and you're complaining?
Sorry, Rachel Lynn, I don't want to come across as bitchy, but the only thing wrong with this picture is you don't know how lucky you are. I consider myself lucky to have SRS covered by insurance. Most transgender girls in the US don't even have that. I had to fight six months to even get genital electrolysis covered by my insurance carrier. It took a letter from Dr. McGinn and three appeals to get reimbursed. As far as FFS, BA, etc, it's 100% out of pocket for me.
Do you think private insurance is the problem? In the UK, trans people can literally wait years to wind their way through the system to get appropriate medical treatment, with little choice over providers. You got your choice of top surgeons and a hefty subsidy on your medical costs. Count your blessings, girlfriend. You have accomplished a lot, and I don't mean in any way to discount the strength and courage it took to change your life the way you have, but please, keep some perspective.
Meant with kindness,
Terri
Thank you Monica.
Hi Terry, you are right, thank you. I am very fortunate to work where I do and have the health coverage and the company trans riders that I have. I was looking at it from a different perspective, I could have paid for the procedures if I chose differently. Looking at what I wrote I wish I could edit it because it looks bad. It was how I was feeling at the moment. A lot of time and money was spent and I could have saved time and money (other peoples money) if I had hind sight and did things differently. I was thinking of the outcome and combined procedure Warlockmaker had. I had just read her recent post and looked at her avatar and remembered her path. When I read her experiences when she was having her procedures I thought how strong and courageous she is. I had thought I could never do that. That was then and I think in retrospect I could have done what she did. I was also disappointed I could not go to Dr. Kim and have that covered (procedure only which is less than Dr. Spiegel or Dr. Haban). I was looking at it from a perspective of privilege, which is embarrassing.
I have been a little emotional the last week or so. I realize I am still in transition yet I am getting close to being done with procedures. I realize I will never pass but I was hoping to look more feminine. I also realize I most likely will be alone so I need to join things to do like LGBT hiking and make some friends to do things with. Perhaps volunteer at Philly Aids Thrift. I really dread the time my wife moves out. I feel bad about what I did to the family and I will miss them. I hope we can get together sometimes.
I am 10 days post op from my BA. Things are going well. I need to find out when I can remove the strips over the stitches. The stitches itch sometimes, which I think is normal. I am very please with the size. Big enough but not too big. It takes some getting use to. I need to keep using the ace bandage under the boobs for 20 more days and the sports bra for 3 months 20 days. Then I go bra shopping :) Sleeping is definitely not comfortable with a sports bra and ace bandage.
My voice pathologist put me in touch with a woman that had similar procedures as me but in addition VFS with Dr. Spiegel. She sounds 100% female. She said her pitch did not change much and that her voice has less power ( ability to be heard in a noisy room) and was a bit breathy. She said she needs to use her trained voice but the low pitch is gone and if she forgets to use her trained voice she will not go into the male register. It is gone. She explained to me that a voice has a 2 octave range and the operation took away the low octave. I asked if she would do the procedure knowing what she knows now. She said she did not know. She said several times that she thought using a laser on a vocal cord is an art. I took what she was saying is that Dr. Spiegel may not have the art of the laser. The context was that her voice timber is as if the sound is produced on a thicker cord. When she had a consult with Dr. Spiegel after the voice healed he said the operation was a success. She had 7 months of voice pathology work with a trainer that works with trans before the surgery and 3 months after. She also said she spoke with the woman that is on Dr. Spiegel's website and she does not sound as good in a dynamic conversation. She said it is very much different reading a passage that has been read many times before and dynamic conversation.
With procedures I have perhaps voice which I am apprehensive to do and hair part two. I had bone work with Dr. Spiegel and my jowls are tighter than they were but are still not flush with the bone. I lost 20 pounds and my jowls look better. So one thought is to lose 20 more pounds, which is my goal, and see how my jowls look as well as my face. Maybe I just need to lose more weight. My BMI is 26.1 presently. I would love to get to 24 or even 22.
I was in the gayborhood today with my wife and we ate at Bareburger on Locust at 11th street (Buffalo burger on a sprout role and a baby greens salad with pesto). We love their food. Anyhow I was wearing a fitted top and shorts. I love how I can fill my top now; it makes a huge difference in how I feel about myself. My wife and I looked at a few houses for sale in the gayborhood and they are expensive and the taxes are high. $400/sf and taxes are $6/sf/yr.
What the above is about me making a revised transition plan:
-Lose 20 pounds to get to 178, BMI 23 a BMI of 21 would be a dream but probably too low.
-Hair transplants 2nd and final time, 2000 follicles.
-Hair cut and color, it is time.
-Do more investigating and thought on VFS and VFS doctors.
-Figure out if I want Dr. Spiegel to do work on my Jowls, it is a revision on my original FFS.
-Volunteer at PAT
-Make a few friends that I can eat out with and go shopping and go to places with.
-Participate in hiking through the William Way LGBT center.
- When I can get back into the gym and participate in group activities such as yoga, spinning, classes and some core work and light weights. Can I do chest work with a BA?
I found a trans woman that is licensed in electrolysis that charges $50/hr. I now pay $125/hr. I could save considerable money per month. I shall give her a try. She is licensed to do hair too. Huuuuum, this may work out well.
Rachel,
In the past you expressed a fear of being self conscious about having bigger breasts. Did you experience this at all? I have always heard people's eyes tend to gravitate lower with bigger boobs. Have you experienced this?
Moni
Want to send u some pictures if I can figure out how to.
Hi Monica,
Thanks to the inquiry.
I was self conscious for a week. I have been to a bunch of places and now I have my confidence back. I still have the thoughts in the back of my mind but those thoughts effect me much less now on how I feel about myself. Now I fill out my top. I feel better about my body than I did before. So feeling better about my body is pushing the feeling of self couscous of how others see me to the back of my mind. I am glad I had the BA.
Rachel this is Awesome news! I am so happy for you.
Sounds like the best possible outcome for a BA, as your confidence has returned and you now feel even more natural. I think helps prove this isn't just about looks - it is how you are and how you feel.
Kendra, thank you.
BA, I have no pain what so ever, even when I get up in the morning. I still need to wear he ace bandage under my breasts until 8/12/17 and a sports bra until 10/12/17. My areolas have increased in size probably 50% and my nipples are mostly erect. There is some nipple pain. I assume that is from the pressure of the implant on the inside and the pressure of he sports bra on the nipple. I will e-mail Papillion to double check the bandage and exercise limitations.
I was eating lunch Friday and a guy I know sat next to me and started saying things about my BA. Things like you should have gone larger and you can not even see them and such. He went on for 3 or 4 minutes. I am thinking he was kidding but he had a straight face. There were 5 or 6 people eating and no one said anything. I am thinking of eating in the cafeteria for a little while.
Makeup, I wear light makeup at work. Usually concealer and foundation around my eyes, Mascara and lip stick. I paint my nail too. I add one new makeup feature when I feel comfortable. I have eye liner and contouring shades as future elements to add. Makeup at work needs to be light and done well. I recently learned using a neutral brightening powder under the eye keeps mascara from smudging onto the under eye (awesome tip).
Hair, I made a cut and color appointment for next Saturday at a salon. I need to think style and color. I am thinking a hair evening out and a very light brown or dirty blond color.
Next week I will have a face to face therapy session (1st time in a month due to BA and my therapists schedule) also I will be going to group, first time in 4 weeks. I really need to get into community. There are micro aggressions we deal with every day and some overt comments and ignorant people. Being in community gives me a time I can be myself and not worry about jerks. Plus, I miss the people at group. I may even try going to the later group too.
I am getting quotes and will be doing a skype with Dr. Spiegel about redoing the fat graphs in my upper face and correcting my jowls (soft skin). I believe this is in office and should be considered part of my past FFS. I also would like a quote to lift my upper eye brow to open my eye up. I believe this is in office too. I have questions forwarded to Dr. Spiegel about the jowls and eye. I also sent questions to the doctor about VFS. I also think I need to see Dr. Haban to have a VFS consultation. Perhaps I should also contact the Ye Son center too. I had smoked for 30 years, starting at age 11 or 12). I had a few years where I quit then restarted. I am 9 1/2 years smoke free. However, I read it changes the timber of your voice to a lower timber. My timber and pitch are ok but I could use a raising of both. 50 Hz rise and a lighter timber would be great. I am working with a speech pathologist for voice and there is so much to learn. I try to use all the voice aspects during the day but I find myself forgetting and omitting some aspects.
I may post a voice sample for feedback ( I have apprehension). I need a lot of work. I am also learning to correct the aftermath of vocal patterns from shuddering. Specifically, annunciation, slowing my speech and not dropping the ends of words (articulations) and opening my mouth more.
I will be volunteering for the Philly Trans health Conference Sept 7-9.
I went to my therapist and group Thursday. It is really good to be back in community. I did not make the second group as my wife kept texting me that the power went out from a storm. I went home and the power had been restored. Next week I will go to both groups.
I scheduled 2000 more hair graphs for Sept 25. Then I will be done with hair. The 3500 graphs are coming in very well and I am pleased.
Breasts are doing well but the Ace bandage and sports bra are on my nerves. The nipples are very sore. I can not wait until I can sleep without a bra on.
I may have an issue as I keep obsessing on my face, oblique's and tummy ( I have lost 22 pounds). I had received a quote for more fat graphs and an upper eye lift from Dr. Spiegel as well as VFS quote; he will only do voice by itself. The fat graphs did not take last time so why would they take this time? If I do VFS I will get a quote from Dr. Haban and do some soul searching. I am having dinner with a woman that had VFS with Dr. Spiegel and I am very anxious to hear what she has to say. She also had a conversation with the person Dr. Spiegel has on his website for VFS. I look forward to hearing what her thoughts of how that person sounds. We had spoken briefly on the phone but look forward to hearing all of what she has to say.
I am trying a new electrolysis place next week. She is trans and charges much less per hour.
***** Warning- may be triggering***********
I feel lost and I feel alone. I do not know where to meet guys. The trans friends I have are great to talk to before and after a meeting but nothing more had developed. I could go to a few places in the gayborhood but I think I would just end up being alone in those places. Worse yet they are bars and I am a recovering alcoholic. I would feel out of place. I have always felt out of place and not part of the whole. Being trans and transitioning amplifies things or perhaps I am just confronting how I always felt. I cried a bit today in my office, on the way home and then had to wipe mascara off my lower eye lids as I needed to buy some supplies from the health food store.
When my divorce is final and my wife moves out I will be alone. Our daughter will live with my ex. I can not imaging being alone in my house after I come home from work. I have my sister as far as family. My niece and sister-in-law did not invite me to my nieces wedding. So, they are not in my family any more.
I am use to being transsexual and expressing and being clocked everywhere I go. I have no hope of fitting in that way. I have gained a lot of self confidence and have grown in inner strength. I would be nice to not get stairs though. In the gayborhood there are so many trans people do not stair, they are saturated with us. I just can not afford to live in the gayborhood. Nor can I afford to live close to the gayborhood. I will keep looking.
I just feel lost. I guess I want something else and I am looking to find a guy to provide it and that is not the answer. I need to find what is missing and if a guy comes along then so be it. I just do not know what is missing. I do know I do not feel complete and I feel empty. Perhaps it is my slow motion marriage and divorce wreck and I am just twisting month after month. I just do not know.
I was raised catholic and I stopped practicing at are 18 when I just could not stand it anymore. I definitely was living a lie. I have been looking on the outside in at Hinduism recently but there is much to learn and a god or gods are not appealing. The thought that your thoughts guide your actions and crate your being, sounds about right. Meditation helps me but am I doing it right?
I am definitely on a journey.
Meeting guys can be difficult for CIS women as well. Bars are not the best place to look because many people are there for one night stands. On the other hand, I have been in many bars and only consumed soft drinks. Nobody really cares what you drink however the soft drinks are a bit pricy. Better bets would be church if you are comfortable there or contributing help at a local charity. It could be a food bank or some place like the local botanical garden. My mother works the botanical garden just because she can't stand being idle and as she sells memberships, she meets many people. One thing I have considered is joining the local tall club. You have to be a minimum height for that one but in my case, I meet both the male and female requirements. Try to look for activities where you meet the public in large numbers instead of doing something in the back room.
Rachel I am way behind you on transition so I can't recommend much, but an additional idea to meet people outside your circle of friends is local politics. Not the intense stuff, but things like community planning commissions and other volunteer boards at the city, county or state level. Pick something you believe in and you will meet people with similar interests, and that type of group tends to interact with many from the local area. I bet you have organizational and other skills they could really benefit from. And you might get to know someone where the interest turns to a coffee down the street and then dating, or a friend-of-a-friend thing from a connection made there. Just an idea.
Rachel,
You have just begun this new part of this journey. I would be open to things that interest you. The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself. I think if I was in your situation, I would try dating sites. There are good and bad stories, but it is a place where people do meet. Frankly I have been married so long, I know I would feel kind of lost at first too.
Love to you my friend,
Moni
Thank you Dena, I forgot about volunteering, thanks. I think I will try PAT, Philly Aids Thrift. Mazzoni has a food bank and I wonder if they take volunteers for that.
Thank you Kendra, I forgot about volunteering. I though about joining resist in Philly. I was nominated for 2 volunteer positions, one with the City and one with the State but I was not chosen.
Thank you Monica, I really love my wife and will miss her, the friendship and companionship. Dating sites, huuuuum, I am 55 and a transwoman that does not pass. I guess I could try it in time. I am going to North Carolina and perhaps India if I can get good airfare. There is a transman that I know and he offered to go to both places with me. He has a partner. I feel really odd, is he offering to be nice or offering to be nice and more. I would like the company but I have meet his SO and I would feel horrible if something happened. I also know myself and I do not know if I would say no.
Bars, I thought about drinking diet coke and going to the bars. I walked past a few gay bars last summer on a Friday night. The fronts were open on a few and I could hear the drone of the voices, I imagined the smell of bear and stickiness of beer on the floor. I know myself and I am an alcoholic. It really is safer to stay away.
It finally happened last night. When I was injecting I hit a vein and when I withdrew the plunger it filled with blood about 1/10 of a cc very quickly. I pulled the needle 1/2 way out and repositioned hitting a nerve. I repositioned and this time no blood or nerve. I injected and felt a bit faint. I laid back in bed and it quickly passed. Pretty cool, I review in my mind the injection steps before I inject. I feel really good I was able to not freak out and take care of business.
I am divorced. The notice came today in the mail.
Another step on the journey. For me it was such a relief.
Rachel,
I don't want to minimize the emotional impact of this for you. Mourn for a bit if you feel the need, then throw yourself into moving forward. It will get easier.
Moni
Mary and Monica, thank you for your support, it helps.
I was a sad when the letter arrived. For the last 5 years it has been difficult for my ex-wife. I really threw her a curve ball. I guess divorce is what you make it. She is still living at home ( I bought her out) and paying all her bills. I will need to have a conversation about that. We have a reservation in the gayborhood for dinner at a Mexican place this weekend.
She is waiting for monies from my pension and retirement fund and then move out.
Big hug! Sorry, Rachel. It is true that when one door closes, another opens.
Hugs, Devlyn
Thank you Devlyn,
You were the first person ( literally the first person) to help me and keep me from doing something stupid 5 or so years ago and you are still here to keep me honest :) . Thank you.
I had FFS 9/16/2016 and just filed an appeal to my insurance company for reimbursement. I need more transition work and my funds are very low.
I scheduled the plane flight to Pineville North Carolina for hair graphs (#2) on 9/25. :)
I had my review with my supervisor. He had several transition related items on my evaluation. It is 3 pages of things I needed to achieve of which 4 items were transition related. He is letting me address leadership again (2 years ago he said I would never address leadership again, we have both grown) and I will this fall :) I think I may have to go back to school as two directors are taking advanced degrees and he reviewed his experience and recommended I attend either of 2 schools. One is next door to where I work and my past executive coach teaches there but I do not fit into that place.
I have a trans friend at work. His partner and I talk and she is going to help me with make-up and hair. She is going to take me out and help me with guys. She asked what ethnic group guy would I like to be with. They are Hispanic and I really like Hispanic guys. She said it will be no problem getting a guy. We will see.
I was at group and asked a few questions about dating. I received a lot of information. I have some very uninhibited friends. Being single could be interesting.
I realized something when I was outside William Way LGBTQI center before the second group. There were a bunch of transwoman outside and I fit in. Not that I am trans but on insecurities, wants and desires. We have so much in common. I noticed their strength and that I have really changed. I am so much stronger today than two years ago. Also, I admitted something, I feel and connect with many of the transwoman. I have a bit of a wild past and although I am more mature now I still have the wild desires. I have self confidence, something I never had before and it feels so good. I am starting to like myself.
I went to a transwoman for electrolysis and it went well. She charges $50/hr and is much less than where I go now. Plus we connect and talk about things cis electrolysis do not know about or have not experienced.
Wow that sounds so positive Rachel. The best is you liking yourself. I like you so I guess we both have good taste.
Moni
Thank you Monica. I am so glad you are doing well :)
I just checked the mail and received my birth certificate with my name and gender on it. :)
Next my passport and 2 remaining credit cards and lastly my car registration. Oh, I need to get my college degree changed too. I think getting my high school diploma changed will not happen; it was a catholic high school, I will try.
I am looking into pellets and sent some inquiries. One doctor states LGBT friendly and has an office in the gayborhood. I think I will switch to pellets ASAP.
My round trip to Charlotte North Carolina is booked with Frontier airlines. It cost about $125 for the tickets and about $60 for a carry on bag. Not bad for a direct flight from Trenton to Charlotte.
I visited a woman for Susan's at Gaia house B&B recovering from GCS. She looks beautiful and is doing well. Then my ex and I went to China Town in Philly for an early dinner. I had a really good day today.
I need to connect with Jen on here. I submitted an appeal for my FFS to Aetna. I do not expect anything to come from it but I just need to do it to satisfy my need for closure.
Rachel, in your post of 8/11 you said, "Not that I am trans..." I must confess that I am totally confused by that statement. Admittedly I can be pretty thick on occasion, so I'm assuming I've got this all wrong. Would you be so kind as to clarify what you meant?
Hi Kathy, I was referring that I have a lot in common with my trans friends and community. Not just that I am trans but all the other attributes. I should have said something like, not just that we are trans but ....... .
Today at work I was in an elevator lobby at about 5:30 A.M. and there were 4 construction guys. One kept saying he lives in a really bad neighborhood. As I was entering a down elevator (they were going up) the guy said he saw a white trash transgender in his neighborhood. I felt he was referring to me but I let it role.
Tonight I took a call at home from a shift supervisor that said he confronted several construction guys about what they said after I walked by. I was walking through the loading dock and the construction guys were unloading a truck. The supervisor is on the diversity council and has taken a lot of crap during his life. He in the past worked in an area that was racist. He would not repeat what they said about me but he stood up for me. He wanted to take it further but we talked and I think he feels better. He is also helping me find a place to live in West Philly. Point being, there are jerks and there are good people. I choose to be with the good people. I will address the contractors tomorrow.
One would think that racism would be a thing of the past in America one hundred fifty-four years after the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, but it isn't. My best guess is that gender identity prejudice will prove an equally intractable problem. It is virtually impossible to legislate bigotry and hatred out of people's hearts and minds.
Hi Kathy, I agree.
Today I was at the top of the loading sock steps as the construction workers walked up the steps. No one said anything, expect two guys that said excuse me as they passed by. My way of saying I am not going away.
I e-mailed Papillion and I had my recovery instructions wrong. I do not have to wear my sports bra to bed :). I can resume strenuous exercise after 6 weeks :) .
I was checking the cost of traveling from Philadelphia (or Newark) to Mumbai India. The cheapest two were Islamic and have stay overs in Islamic countries. I will not use these airlines. I can get airfare for $750 to $850, a hotel varies from $70 to $200 per night. I sent off two clinics to our International Medicine friends at work to review the clinics and make recommendations. Next I will do a Skype and get pricing for some FFS soft tissue work. Something for next years plan.
Quote from: Rachel on August 04, 2017, 06:02:25 PM
***** Warning- may be triggering***********
I feel lost and I feel alone. I do not know where to meet guys. The trans friends I have are great to talk to before and after a meeting but nothing more had developed. I could go to a few places in the gayborhood but I think I would just end up being alone in those places. Worse yet they are bars and I am a recovering alcoholic. I would feel out of place. I have always felt out of place and not part of the whole. Being trans and transitioning amplifies things or perhaps I am just confronting how I always felt. I cried a bit today in my office, on the way home and then had to wipe mascara off my lower eye lids as I needed to buy some supplies from the health food store.
When my divorce is final and my wife moves out I will be alone. Our daughter will live with my ex. I can not imaging being alone in my house after I come home from work. I have my sister as far as family. My niece and sister-in-law did not invite me to my nieces wedding. So, they are not in my family any more.
...
I just feel lost. I guess I want something else and I am looking to find a guy to provide it and that is not the answer. I need to find what is missing and if a guy comes along then so be it. I just do not know what is missing. I do know I do not feel complete and I feel empty. Perhaps it is my slow motion marriage and divorce wreck and I am just twisting month after month. I just do not know.
...
I am definitely on a journey.
I totally understand this. I'm going through pretty much the same thing now. My wife's family has completely stopped talking to me, and won't be around me at all. Hell my wife is trying to make an issue of my gender identity/confusion in our divorce proceedings, she has even gone so far as to suggest that I am angry and thus violent because of it. I'm not violent at all, and any anger I have is because of the way she has treated me since she left and throughout our divorce proceedings. She is even tried to press criminal charges, which were so ludicrous that they read like a fantasy novel, and limited my parenting time to essentially none.
But all through out this, I miss the hell out of her for all same reasons you mentioned above.
Hi Myranda, I am divorced as of a few weeks ago. My X and I war going to the movies in a bit. She still live with me but that is temporary. We have been together and made a life together so it is natural to have a lot of pain, fear and emotions as the change occurs. Being myself has come at a great cost. Yet I have never been so alive and free to be myself.
I do not know where I will be living in a year from now. I may stay where I am now or I may move into the dense part of the city. That will require a lot of change in itself.
If I meet a guy and we date that will have a lot of change in itself.
Coming to the end of transition next year will result is a lot of change. I go to a midweek electrolysis session with
a transwoman the same age as me. I am beginning to see things differently as we chat during the sessions.
Being yourself has ramifications. Your wife is angry that her life is changing and she is lashing out at you. Both of you are going to experience a lot of change and that is scary and at the same time a period of great discovery. There is disappointment, fear, heartache, self discovery, happiness, excitement, and friendship. I think transition amplifies the human experience and one hell of a journey. Many people falter along the way, get lost or break under the stress. Many more grow and become strong independent people. I do know how I treated my wife is how I would have wanted to have been treated under the circumstances. The outcome is still left to be seen. I would not have given odds on my survival in 2012 but now I would not bet against my survival and thriving.
I am calling Dr. Haben's office tomorrow and putting down a deposit for vfs and scheduling a date. I have final hair graph 9/25 and final GCS work 11/20. I am penciled in Dec for voice. Then I think I am done for a while. Enough is enough.
I was at Mazzoni Center for trans care and while in my the waiting room I realized something. I am really lucky. Everyone has their issues and some more than others but I am doing well. I remembered my intake at a the old Mazzoni center sitting in the waiting room afraid of my shadow and someone hearing my chosen name. I remember the hopelessness and severe depression. Now, things get real and at times difficult but for the most part I am pretty happy.
I was looking at my nails at work today while at a meeting. I love the color and that i have polished nails at work. Same with my earrings and outfit, things others take for granted.
Funny thing today, at a meeting a female friend leaned over and said to me, " I keep looking at your boobs".
Even after all these years, occasionally something will remind me of life before my transition. I still remember how uncomfortable I was and the thought that i didn't have much of a future. It helps to remember that because it makes you appreciated the life you have. There is nothing you could offer me to return to that old life and that's the sign that you made the correct decision.
Dena, I agree. There are changes and some of the change is very difficult but I am so much better off now than before. I booked a triple with Dr. Haben today for December 20, 2017. I smoked cigarettes from age 12 to 46 and I am 9 years smoke free. I smoked pot and hash and some other chemicals when younger too. Also, I am 55 now. At the consult I will find out what procedure I will have, a single, double or triple. The triple scares me. I have seen some pics of the procedure and it looks pretty intense.
I filed my FFS procedure from back in Sept. 15, 2016. The request was rejected as expected. I can and will appeal.
When I came home today my wife said I look like a drag queen several times. Then she wanted to know why I was silent. I automatically think about plan B and then after a little bit I get distracted and it goes away. Not like before when that would have lasted all night.
Next month I agreed to be on a LGBT panel for an hour. The panel presentation is a question and answer session. It counts for continued medical education for those in the audience that need that. I had to sign a disclosure today to participate on the panel.
I loaded PRATT on my laptop today. Time to get serious about voice feedback. I have a recorder and analyzer on my cell phone but I want to see the wave forms in a larger screen and have some data to compare the recordings.
I told my boss about booking voice surgery in December. After our monthly meeting he showed me his 340 Z convertable that he drives on nice days. I loved the sound of the car. Very nice car.
I went a little off diet today and yesterday. Back on track tomorrow. I might get up early and do a 10 mile hike.
I have had some suicidal thoughts recently stemming around being alone. I really need to get out and do some meet ups. I really am unhappy living in limbo. The first thing I get each night is crap about being trans when I walk into the door. I wind up taking out the trash and recyclables just to get out of my house. I feel like an outsider in my house.
I got my bloodwork results back. My T is less than 3 ng/dl. Every thing else is good but prolactin was 29. I am a few days past due for my e shot. The last two times I aspirated, pierced a nerve on reposition and then was able to inject. The last time I had to lean back in bed for a few minutes until the queasiness went away. Da joy o being trans. I am thinking of cycling T cream at the end of my injection cycle. Perhaps just 3 days out of 10. Maybe extending my e to 14 days and doing t the last 3. I am good going to a temp doctor until my new doc is back from maternity. She is really nice. The doctor I went to Monday did not seem in tougch with trans or maybe we just did not click.
Hi Rachel,
I really have to go back a ways and read your posts. I've started reading from the beginning several time and haven't managed to to get very far. This thread has a lot of pages and post to it and I really want to get to know you. What I have seen of you from your other posts I have read I like, You sound like another wonderful person that I would love to meet someday. I'll have to work on that huh? ;-) You know it could happen....
I'm sorry to read you are having to deal with such depressing circumstances to the point of despair. Your wife certain does nothing but contribute to that despair. I hope you can find a resolution to that particular problem soon. ((Hug)) I wish it wasn't just a virtual hug as I can see that you need to be hugged by an understanding soul.
On the other hand you relate some really positive things you are doing to further your journey and they are signs of hope. Your voice surgery, your rapport with your boss, diet and exercise all of them show you working on your future, and it can be a very good future. I believe you'll get there Rachel, really I do.
I haven't any words of wisdom for you a you are far beyond me in this road we travel called transition. Perhaps I'll follow in your footsteps for part of my own journey. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? We'll only find out if we continue to take that next step and the one after, and then the next. We will get there if we just keep going, and the good part is we do not have to do it alone.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
Thank you for the support and kind words. If you ever go to Dr. McGinn for a procedure or consult I am in the area and would love to meet up. New Hope has some nice places to eat and some shops that are fun to go through. Also, Lambertville across the river has some nice places to eat and shop too. The area is very LGBT inclusive. Congratulations on being a GM and thank you.
Voice, it was very difficult when my voice changed in puberty. I had a very pleasant voice and it was destroyed. I do not know which procedure the doctor will perform or if the procedure will be a help or hurt my voice.
There are a lot of posts during my transition. If you ever need something to help you sleep start at post one. I guarantee you will be asleep in no time. I think the most important things I have learned in my transition is to accept yourself and be happy in whatever way you can to be yourself. I never thought I would be single and I never thought I would be alive. I am still in transition and I have made some great strides with hurdles to go.
I have some bras to pick up at the bra shop. I never thought I would be doing this :) .
Rachel! I believe your doing ok under the circumstances you live in!
My sweetheart treats me the same! I just understand that she does that as a defense!
Go forward with your transition! Your doing this for your own mental health as well as who you really are!
61 years I fronted my self as a man! That man is gone!
I'll be the best woman I can be!
Breasts have helped me believe I can transition! I am aways behind you medically so we may not be beautiful women but that's not the point! The point is, becoming who we should of been from birth![emoji68]🏼[emoji161]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thank you gv2002 for your support.
I have been researching airfare to India(Mumbai and Delhi) and Bangkok Thailand. I can get round trip flights to India for $830 and Bangkok for $550. I think I could get the $550 price for India if I work the dates a little. I need to do a few skype sessions and figure out the procedures and pricing. Then I will research the hotel and food costs. I am thinking liposuction on the tummy and oblique's, lipo on the mandible and perhaps some skin tightening and an upper eye lift. If they recommend orbital rim shaving I may do that if I do not have to take my face down again. If I have to do that I think I will pass; but then again.
Tonight I will pay my EX the 1st of 78 alimony checks. Since she is still living with me and I pay all the bills I will also give her an itemized bill for my expenses supporting her. Things like car payment, car insurance, cell phone etc. The sad thing is I love her and I do not want her to go.
Yesterday I was triggered at work. I was having a conversation with a guy and it went off work topic. He supports Trump's trans ban in the military. Unfortunately I tried to reason with him but he kept saying it is a preexisting medical condition and it makes our troop distracted and not ready for war. I stopped replying and turned and continued working on my computer. After a few minutes he left. I felt the hatred boiling in me like I felt when I was standing next to the Whitehall Baptist Church members on a megaphone condemning me at the pride parade, at end of route entering the bridge to Penn's Landing, in June. We were with 30 trans kids and I could not respond or say anything back.
Voice
What I have been learning is to relax my throat.
I learned a massage exercise from a speech pathologist to relax the throat.
Next do motor boats and tongue and mouth perception exercises.
Hum the scale and M and N sounds. Start feeling the M and N sound resonance in your face.
That is the goal for all sounds. M and N are the easiest.
Say sentences with M and N letters in the first letter location such as, mix mink milk.
Next, use your diagram (diaphragmatic breathing) to push air not your chest.
Keep your head up and in line with your spine (opens up the throat and greatly enhances putting the resonance from your vocal cords into your nasal cavity).
Then practice sentence thinking you are talking to someone across the room.
Use air to make words, do not be air stingy.
Use intonation and emotion in your speech.
Use your mouth as an instrument to form words.
Feel your mouth and lips making the words and exaggerate.
Speak up.
Quote from: Rachel on August 29, 2017, 04:39:10 PM
Voice
What I have been learning is to relax my throat.
I learned a massage exercise from a speech pathologist to relax the throat.
Next do motor boats and tongue and mouth perception exercises.
Hum the scale and M and N sounds. Start feeling the M and N sound resonance in your face.
That is the goal for all sounds. M and N are the easiest.
Say sentences with M and N letters in the first letter location such as, mix mink milk.
Next, use your diagram (diaphragmatic breathing) to push air not your chest.
Keep your head up and in line with your spine (opens up the throat and greatly enhances putting the resonance from your vocal cords into your nasal cavity).
Then practice sentence thinking you are talking to someone across the room.
Use air to make words, do not be air stingy.
Use intonation and emotion in your speech.
Use your mouth as an instrument to form words.
Feel your mouth and lips making the words and exaggerate.
Speak up.
Rachel, that is a GREAT tip sheet, probably the most concise list of reminders I've seen yet. I keep forgetting to do all these things and keep falling into old bad habits. I'm printing this on a card to carry with me.
It looks like I may be joining you on the quest for overseas medical services. My Kaiser NorCal plan covers FFS and BA when medically necessary, and they certainly are. (Without 30 minutes of makeup I am so definitely a 'dude in a dress', as so many deleted FaceBook comments say.). However... They are so overbooked that I am on a waitlist to be eventually scheduled for surgery, apparently for once 2019 OR bookings open up. The Catch-22 here is that in November 2018 I am forced onto Medicare (Kaiser Senior Advantage, a Medicare Plus plan), and Medicare plans will not cover FFS and BA. (Only individual plans are required to cover 'all necessary services' by California law. If another party is paying, like a pension plan or the Feds they get to set the rules.)
Rather than wait a year and a half to be eventually denied coverage and pay the 6 figure charge master price for FFS and BA, I figure that if I have to pay, I might as well do some shopping and maybe get a better deal with an experienced surgical team. The overseas price at some places is just a little more than my copay and deductible would have been anyway! I had money set aside for a condo purchase I can divert for this, and maybe settle for a studio or just rent, so that's no problem. (A couple folks I know offered to hook me up with their 'business' to raise some cash for this. Apparently older preop trans women are popular with some folks! I think I can avoid that for now.)
Is there a surgery frequent flyer program for us? ;D
Hi Michelle, 5 months of speech therapy and that is the gist of it. That and a lot of practice and using my voice all th time. I am also working on annunciation and vocal power and slowing down my speach. I am glad it hit a cord (lol).
I was told prior to my ffs with Dr. Spiegel that my face lift, lower and mid,would only be 80% effective due to all the bone work being done. There is only so much that can be done at any given time.
I think I just need soft tissue work and the cost is so much less in Thailand. I should have gone there the first time and saved a lot of money. I am very glad I went to doctor McGinn for GCS. The amount of time she has spent with me is exceptional.
Warning ************This could be triggering*********************Warning
Voice
Today after work I had voice therapy. I understand how I can get to my front head voice. I need to keep it there which is easier said than done. I keep going from my front head voice (resonance with proper pitch) to head voice which is just proper pitch. When I get excited I increase my word rate and at times go below my head voice. Practice and time is what is needed.
Makeup
I wore eyeliner along with my usual light makeup at work. Two guys said I looked good. Both said everything is coming together. I know my boss and his boss noticed. I had on a killer outfit today too.
Point of inflection
I am not going to do anything. I need to vent. I will discuss this with my Therapist tomorrow.
I feel like I am at an inflection point. A point where I do not know what to do. In the past I had horrible dysphoria to battle. A good portion of that I have addressed. I have more to do but I am addressing those issues. I am not on the fence. I am actively doing what I need to do. Yet, I can not see a future.
In the past I knew what the next day would hold, to some extent or to a great deal. Now I do not have a sense of purpose. I never lived for me. If I was to die my monetary commitment to my ex-wife and daughter would be fulfilled with insurance monies.
What will I do? I will be alone. This takes me back to age 31. I am and look like a transwoman in a world of CIS. I know I need to fit in but one is not like the others.
Guys, how can a guy take the pressure of being with a transwoman? This is how I feel. My Ops Manager said how can you know unless you try. How do you know what someone else finds attractive. I do not want to be with a guy for a one nighter. I want someone I can share things, places and times together.
I have felt broken and damaged my whole life. Now people can see what I hid on the inside. This is me. This is who I am. I can not hide who I am nor do I want to. I just wish I did not feel so out of place. I so desperately want to not feel so different.
I know I am feeling down because my slow motion family train wreck just keeps going on. I can see the end of the co-habitation in sight. I have a real fear of being alone. Perhaps that is driving how I feel and bringing out my feelings of helplessness, feelings of being different and not having a future with happiness.
I am just venting. I need to vent somewhere. I am not suicidal. I feel great then something comes along and the feeling of doom returns.
I guess being divorced and alone and unloved will eventually go away or get less with time.
Tomorrow is another day and the Philly Trans Health Conference. Tomorrow will be another day. Maybe it is all the rain and cold temperatures that has me down. Maybe Peking Duck House will be in my future tomorrow for lunch after watching the raising of the trans flag above City Hall.
IHT
Even though it is good to finally end a sad and undesirable co-habitation situation, it's totally understandable that change can cause stress and emotions.
I am convinced you will not be literally alone for a long time, but yes you will be alone at first. And you don't have to be alone while you are alone. You have us and you have local activities. Organize your favorite music and play it at your place any time once it's all yours. Treat yourself to something nice the first few days. Take a make-up class for fun. Learn a foreign language and set a goal of visiting that country. Just some ideas.
You are divorced but you are definitely not unloved.
Thank you Kendra.
Funny you mention makeup. Next to or adjacent to the 12th street gym in the gayborhood a trans woman that Owens two hair salons opened up a trans makeup salon. I found out this two days ago at work. At work we treat 500 trans kids and at the volunteers department I am friends with several people. They told me. One person lives close by and another across the street
Something I have been thinking. I discussed my hair color with the hairdresser at work. He provides free hair services to the patients. Anyhow, hair color after my hair transplants are able to be colored has been on my mind. I am going to color my hair. It has been suggested I go blond. I have green eyes and light skin and had white hair when I was a child and that turned blond then brown then light brown blond and salt and pepper now.
What color blond? There are so many to choose from. I was thinking something a little darker than my avitar. Perhaps the avitar base color with some underlights for dimention.
At some point my pic needs to be my avitar. Perhaps when my hair is colored.
Rachel, one thing I went through as I was first dealing with being trans was being recently divorced and becoming comfortable with being alone. Becoming simply comfortable with myself made it possible to establish new friendships and to feel far more connected to people than I had before. I don't regret it, my marital relationship had never been a healthy thing and learning how to better relate to people has made my life since far richer
As your home situation is about to change, something to consider: we are different, we broke the mold and that's a great thing. I know several very happy couples that are a FTM and MTF pair - they understand each others' histories and achievements in ways that draw them even closer together. And cis-gender male with a MTF, and cis-gender female with MTF. There are other possibilities - depends on preferences and it's all over the map these days. I have been in a steady dating relationship with a married cis-gender male and female couple for the past 16 months, I even went to their family reunion (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,225766.0.html)and nobody blinked.
Hair color. Mine is naturally black so any highlights or color requires careful bleaching, I leave that to the professionals. It's not obvious in my current avatar but 1/3 of my hair is bleached blonde and then darkened with purple, also some dark blue. I have gotten away with this at the office the past year (I am not full time yet) because the color is quite bold outdoors but barely noticeable indoors. My eyes are hazel-green (the Welsh half of me) and that contrasts well with purple. When people ask I tell them that's my natural hair color - and I'm surprised by the number who believe it until I laugh.
Hi Rachel,
I don't know that I can help. probably not but I want you to understand that you are not alone. You've been reading my ramblings and have tried to help. I thank you. Some things are just going to take time. I know this and you know this. It doesn't really help knowing because the hurt and pain is still there and at first it is so raw you don't want anyone touching it because their wanting to help makes it hurt some more. You welcome the support and compassion and on some level it does help knowing our friends are out there for us. Know that your not alone Rachel.
Quote from: Rachel on September 06, 2017, 08:56:59 PM
I have felt broken and damaged my whole life. Now people can see what I hid on the inside. This is me. This is who I am. I can not hide who I am nor do I want to. I just wish I did not feel so out of place. I so desperately want to not feel so different.
Did you write this for me? We and a lot of us have felt this way. For myself I tend to return to this feeling of brokenness if I ever left it behind. At this moment I'm not sure. But you are right once we are out people see us and you want to hide but can't. At least not from those that love us. My friends in Missouri are like that. Before they really got to know me, Peggy has been able to see through my facade and touch my soul. I can't hide myself from her even 2000 miles away. We need people like Peggy.
Quote from: Rachel on September 06, 2017, 08:56:59 PM
I know I am feeling down because my slow motion family train wreck just keeps going on. I can see the end of the co-habitation in sight. I have a real fear of being alone. Perhaps that is driving how I feel and bringing out my feelings of helplessness, feelings of being different and not having a future with happiness.
This was my fear all of my married life. I was always insecure about my marriage. I never felt good enough and never understood why she chose me. I loved my wife desperately. I did my best to keep her, but did all the wrong things to do it. I just drove her away and ruined my family in the process. I was wretched after the divorce. I hated myself and wanted to hate her but I could not. I wished she had died as I thought that would have been easier to deal with. It gets better with time.
Quote from: Rachel on September 06, 2017, 08:56:59 PM
I am just venting. I need to vent somewhere. I am not suicidal. I feel great then something comes along and the feeling of doom returns.
lol Rachel, I have to laugh at this. Not because it is funny but because you have defined me in that last sentence.It sums me up pretty well. You are doing okay, almost happy even then suddenly your world crashes in on you. I don't usually vent instead I isolate, retreat from the world, I hide. My feelings more than physically, though at times I want nothing more than to be gone. Sometimes wishing I had a place far away from the world to retreat to and not only be gone but to never return. If I had such a place I think I would not be here writing this to show you you are not alone in your despair. But I don't and life goes on. Friends reach out and touch you and eventually they coax you back and you let them help.
Quote from: Rachel on September 06, 2017, 08:56:59 PM
I guess being divorced and alone and unloved will eventually go away or get less with time.
It takes time but you will learn to live with the loss of your wife. Eventually I came to understand she did what she had to do. It was the best decision she could make for herself. I believe that now but I still hold the hurt and love of her somewhere deep inside of me. It doesn't make you happy but you can live with it. It takes time. As for the loss of your children, well I'll let you know if I get over that. I've accepted the death of my son a few years ago of a heart attack. He was born with a developmental problem and never achieved a functional level where he could live on his own. He became too much for my ex to control and we had to put him in a group home. He had a mental age of about 3 1/2 years and was a loving child most of the time. He died at 39. I had not seen him for many years and that ate at me for many years. My daughter. well I'll have to get back to you on that. So again Rachel you are not alone. It will take time.
Quote from: Rachel on September 06, 2017, 08:56:59 PM
Tomorrow is another day and the Philly Trans Health Conference. Tomorrow will be another day. Maybe it is all the rain and cold temperatures that has me down. Maybe Peking Duck House will be in my future tomorrow for lunch after watching the raising of the trans flag above City Hall.
IHT
When I started this reply I said "I don't know that I can help..." I don't think I have. Not you and not me, I hesitate to hit that post button. But I think I will only because I think my words will convey that you are not alone. Others suffer along side you with similar issues and you are not alone and in time some things get easier if not better. We are never alone unless we insist on keeping those that want to help out. Yes I am one that tries to do that but there are a few I can never succeed doing it with. They are the ones that pull me out of my depths of despair so I can crawl back into the light of day again. I'm sorry if I made things worse Rachel and I thank you for reaching out to me.
Yes, Rachel, tomorrow is another day and we will just have to wait and see what it will bring. Hopefully it will be better.
Laurie
Dear Rachel and Laurie,
Thank you both for your openness. We may be alone in the house or office or street or wherever, but we are not completely alone because we have people here who understand. This has been a long struggle and Rachel is still writing about it. Just keep going, there are some good times to come.
Mary
Thank you Sadie, Kendra, Laurie and Mary for all your support and help. It really means a lot to me. It helps to unload and let loose when I am down or afraid of the future. Just putting it out there, putting your thoughts in text is a huge help. It frames the thoughts that has power over me and a way to address the thoughts.
Sadie, I 100% agree. I accept I am trans and really am happy I can be me, finally. However, I have never been alone in my life or had time to become comfortable with me. I look forward to the future and being not only happy I can be me but happy being me.
Kendra, I really like Hispanic guys. I have some Hispanic friends and was offered help in going out and meeting guys. In time, just a few more months. Hair, after the graphs I get later this month I will have my hair colored, whan I can. Most likely some blond style. Now, I need to lose 18 more pounds.
Laurie, what can I say but thanks. We are going through some of the same stuff currently. I miss the closeness and friendship. I really hate the nightly crap I get. I know it is best for her and most likely it is best for me too. My daughter's rejection hurts bad. She still talks to me in the house but sometimes it gets rough. Outside the house I am dead to her. I will never be a part of her life going forward. I am dead to her (that hurt).
Mary, I agree. The people here a wonderful and I am never alone because of people like you.
I was at the PTHC Thurs and Friday and will be there Saturday. I volunteered at my work table and for Mazzoni. I was a room monitor for some great presentations. I will be contacting an advocate and a specific lawyer for my insurance appeals.
Thank you for being there.
I was triggered pretty bad last leek at group. It was about physical and sexual abuse when a person was young and recently. The two weeks prior (one week prior as the trans health conference) three woman went into detail about coming out to family and relatives. The destruction of relationships was so depressing and it brought up a lot of emotions.
There is a point when you are sailing along and enjoying life and then wham you are back in the time things imploded. I give the best support I can. I know where things are heading for them. I know if they are strong they will adjust to the new normal.
I am starting to really like being me. There are times it is difficult but I know I will get through it and know it is just temporary.
I heard this from others. It gets better :) and now I can see how things get better. Different but better.
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Next Sunday I head to Dr. Cooley's for round 2 hair transplants. They did 3500 grafts last time and corrected 1/3 of my bald top and are doing 2000 grafts this time. I will ask them when can I color my hair (blond) and can I do more grafts in the future or are we done and what is the outcome.
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I am starting an appeal for my FFS and have contacted a Lawyer (transman from Harvard) that specializes in trans insurance appeals. If I see 50% recoup from the appeal then I will be happy. This is more about my agency. I am finally at a spot where I can challenge my insurance company and my work (self insured) and not accept. I have wonderful benefits and they are a fantastic employer; however, I need to do this to show myself an end of the beginning.
I have a message into Mazzoni and Dr. Siegel's for documentation. Mount Auburn changed medical records filing systems and I will need to call them to get a copy of my medical record. My therapist is making a special letter defining my past GD about my face. Funny thing is I can look in mirrors now, in the bathroom at work too.
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I did two 5 mile hikes this weekend in 1.5 to 1.75 hours up and down hills ( I wonder if I can add my 40 pound pack back in after my BA?) I will need to contact Papillion. I really want to increase my conditioning. I will do 30 flights of steps in the morning during the week. I added squats at the top last week and will increase that to 50. Also I will add a lunch step routine with lunges (25/leg) the top.
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I filed for my new passport this weekend and changing my 403B too :)
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Rachel,
Even if we get everything dysphoria wise taken care of, real life is still a battle to fend off the things that can cause us to be down. You have proven your strength. All one has to do is read your thread to know that. Stay strong, gather your strength by helping others. You have kind of a track record of doing this, ya know.
I am seriously thinking of making arrangements with Cooley. Could you describe how they assessed how much to do, how and where to do it. (Skype, visit, pictures?)
Hugs,
Moni
Hi Monica, I took a lot of pictures. I had some of the guys at work help take the pics (funny, I had the guys at work witness all my surgical paperwork. It really helped make them part of my transition). I had pictures with wet and dry hair parted in different ways. The wet hair pics I took at home.
I worked with their office and did 3000 FUT grafts. They charged $12,000 and actually installed 3500 graphs. It was a 12 hour procedure with the doctor and his PAC. I did not feel anything but a few needle picks. Work paid for 100% because I meet their deductible and he is in-network.
He is said to be one of the best. However, if work insurance did not pay for it I would consider going to another country.
Lollie is wonderful and helped me and answered my questions. Her contact:
Lollie Russo, MA
Patient Coordinator
Carolina Dermatology Hair Center
Pineville Medical Plaza
10650 Park Rd., Suite 310
Charlotte, NC 28210
704-542-1601
704-542-1063 Fax
I am bringing my birth certificate to North Carolina just in case. The Governor signed into law that you need to pee in the bathroom as the sex marked on your birth certificate.
Hi!!!!
I don't know what happened with your insurance. Let me kniw if I can help....
Hugs,
Jen
Hello Jen,
I am going to file an appeal for my FFS. I am getting a letter from my therapist and the head or trans care and my MD at Mazzoni confirming GD with specifics for face. Dr. Spiegel will not produce a letter with anything other than extensive FFS was performed 9/2016 so Ms. Mcxxxx can fit into her female gender role. I read my medical record in MAH's old system and put in a request (today) for the surgical reason for my FFS signed by the surgeon. Dr. Spiegel stated in my surgical record FFS due to gender dysphoria and something about persistent since childhood (more than one way to get a letter). I filed the medical record request today by fax to Mount Auburn Hospital Health Information Management department.
Aetna is frustrating, Tomorrow will be the third time I am requesting my Plan Description. I will get that.
I have my surgical receipt.
I filed for reimbursement and the reason I was denied was not covered. I have about 150 days left for the appeal.
Thank you for your offer to help. I will contact you. I now have the agency to stick up for myself, odd how I have changed with my transition. I have access to a legal source (Trans Lawyer that specializes in medical appeals) if I need to. Jen, I will ask you for your thoughts and opinions when I have all my documents together. I think having Dr. Spiegel's surgical reason is a bonus :) . How can they disprove his surgical notes and reason?
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I was contacted by someone to put up pics with my surgeons to prove I am not a fake. I never thought of having a pic with my surgeons. I do not have any. It was suggested I put a pic up of myself. I stopped on my way home and tried to take one in my car. I can not press the button. I feel really ugly. I do not see male anymore, just andro. Andro and old with gray frizzy hair.
In Boston I have pics under the dome of the monument at Reads hill. I have PICs of butterflies in my room after GCS. I have no pics of Pineville NC. I am going there Monday and still will have no pics because I want no pics from there. I have no pics of my therapist or of group. I can take a pic of my Mentor BA card, my purple and orange dilator, my wing form Dr. McGinn. I can show a before and day 1 and 2 post op from FFS in MAH.
I guess I am a faker or a poser.
I will be leaving for the airport in a little less than 2.5 hours. I just got back from Core Creak park and a 5 mile fast walk . I need to dilate, clean up and get ready. I have my bag packed with birth certificate in my purse and will be have my round two hair graphs Monday starting at 7 am.
Round one hair grafts worked out very well so I am excited to get this done. I will ask when I can do more and when can I color my hair. I am going to be blond 😀
Something I noticed last night and now, my vaginal canal is a bit tight. I walked 10 miles yesterday and 5 miles today so perhaps that is why.
Update on FFS appeal.
Aetna will not provide me the plan description . This is not the plan summery but the plan description. I contacted an advocate and they are making the request. I may need the help of a lawyer .
I received the letter from my therapist which was exceptional. I forwarded it to Elaine Dutton at Mazzoni for concurrences and or elaboration from her and my pcp. Mount Auburn was contacted for a copy of the ffs surgery reason document signed by Dr. Spiegel and Dr. Spiegel's office is will send a letter confirming surgery was performed.
I had 2500 grafts installed at Dr. Cooley's in North Carolina.
I was there in March and the difference was remarkable, from the airport, cabs hotel, witnesses and waiters and of corse at Carolina Aesthetics I was gendered correctly. Im March I was gendered male.
Since March to now I had my BA and hair grafts phase one and I wore a fitted top and 6 inch inseam shorts. My thigh tats were very visible. A clouded leopard and spotted jag. I know I grew the fold in confidence and I use my more feminine voice (not there yet). Other than that all else is the same. So why was I gendered 100% female?
I received an awesome FFS letter from my therapist. in it she stated I had severe dysphoria and that I no longer had gender dysphoria (post my procedures I still have VFS scheduled). I thought about that and my crippling dysphoria is no where to be found. I still have some dysphoria about things such as voice and hight but the crippling dysphoria is gone. I go to places and do not think about how I look. There are exceptions like when I will pee in Charlottesville airport and be thinking about being harassed.
So I have been thinking about how far my dysphoria had been reduced and that everything I do now adds so much to my agency. I am a different person. I do things now that I never could. In work I am different too. It is amazing how much I have grown.
The bottom line is that dysphoria is treatable. I never thought I would say that because I never knew it was treatable.
The learning difficulties I faced and still face are survivable. Perhaps it make me better, slower, but better. I see details others miss. I hang on every detail.
I still get triggered like last week at group when a woman went into being forced to perform sex and how she was sexually abused when young. I was able to get out of it. I was able to think about it and although for a while I was reliving it I used the tools I learned. I was always stuck on how someone could do that and why did they do it. I have answers ( I had to make them up but they are the highest probability reasons) that I use and next I understand why they did ( that is a leap, my therapist said that perhaps they were abused too) it and then forgive them or I try. That is the hardest part. I do not know if I believe I forgive them but I at least say it a few times.
Quote from: Rachel on September 25, 2017, 09:42:18 PM
> I was there in March and the difference was remarkable, from the airport, cabs hotel, witnesses and waiters and of corse at Carolina Aesthetics I was gendered correctly.
Rachel, a huge milestone in a relatively short amount of time. You earned it all.
Hi Kendra, thank you. There is a huge difference between last year and this year. I just need to stop eating all the goodies while waiting for my flight at 9:30 😞
I received a letter from The Department of State requesting an original of my GCS document. I will call Papillion tomorrow and get 2 original copies. I cave them a copy of my GCS form but I guess they want a raised seal. They also said it may not be returned. So I will not send the one I got from Papillion. It means so much to me.
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Day 3 post hair grafts. I can sleep through tonight and not spray my head every 2 hours during the night but I need to continue hourly spraying with the ATP every hour. Between last time and this time I had 6000 grafts. I will return in 7 months and I can do 1500 more grafts. I will get 200 on each eye brow, very excited. The 1100 can go to where it is most needed. Hair is about done.
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Ok, I went potty at the charlotte airport about 5 times yesterday. I was there from 11:30 A.M till my flight at 8:45 P.M. I drank a lot of diet soda, green tea and water. I also had frozen yogurt, salad and some baked potato chips and yes a slice of lemon cake, I had no issue what so ever in the bathroom. I was addressed as mam from the attendants. They had attendants in the bathrooms and they were very clean. Way different than a Philly airport.
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When I look in the mirror I see a female face looking back, sometimes. Maybe I should post a pic for my avatar.
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Nov 20 I go to Papillion for my annual checkup (Coming up on a year) and closing off the bottom on my vagina. I also have a homework assignment to experience womanhood. I discussed this with the woman I do electrolysis with and she is in community and goes to the gone group. She suggested I go with a pre-op transwoman. I never thought of this before. I do not know if I could. I never thought of a transwoman that way.
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VFS with Dr. Haban is scheduled 12/20/2017 for a triple. After the assessment a single, double or triple will be decided.
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Hi Rachel,
What wonderful progress you are making. I loved the potty talk. Just another woman using the powder room. Gosh how they scare me. I've been in a few while on my road trip but none since. They are too much high anxiety for me. I fell the same when I think of trying on clothes.
Keep going forward Rachel you're doing great.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thank you Laurie. I had a mental block about North Carolina. Everywhere else I am fine.
IMPORTANT
I called Papillion today. There is a different form they provide for a passport (not the pretty raised seal nororized SRS form they provide). They are sending one out for me. If you need a passport form make sure you tell them that.
Tomorrow my hair grafts will be 1 week old and I am hoping are pretty stable. I did hit my head Saturday and there was a line of blood that went down my head to forehead. I leaned over to take off my lead pack ( I walked 5 miles Saturday with my 40 pound pack, Sunday without) and bumped my head on my car hatch back that was upright. I am hoping everything is ok. It looks ok.
Friday night is my 40th grade school reunion. I guess it will be an adventure :) I will be at a union hall and I have no issues what so ever with the unions. I deal with them every day at work. Still, I can not wait to see my grade school classmates. I really wish I did my hair grafts 2 or 3 years ago.
Next on my horizon is Nov 20 at Papillion. Dr. McGinn said she will close off the bottom of my vagina. I am apprehensive because as homework I had an assignment to have sex. More on that in a second. I will ask the doctor to look at my face and make suggestions about soft tissue enhancements such as jowls fat removal, jowl skin tightening and upper eye lift. I may want a little bit of a peak at the bottom of my chin too to enhance the V line. I will compare the costs with overseas costs. I trust her explicitly and that holds weight when comparing cost.
Sex, I will go through the patient portal with Mazzoni and request a script for PrEP. I am not having sex without a condom on the guy and even then I want to make sure we do HIV testing (free in the gayborhood) and with me using PrEP. So many of the woman I know have HIV and I do not want to get that or any other STD.
2 weeks ago ( I was in NC last week) I was walking on 12th street and a nice looking tall well dressed man put up his hand and said can I talk to you for a moment? I kept walking and said no. I was scared. There are not too many reasons guys stop transwoman on the street in the gayborhood. I should have talked to him. I feel really bad and I missed an opportunity to at least have a conversation with an interested guy. I really need to get over my fear.
I have had some really bad experiences with guys but I am attracted to them. I am afraid something really bad will happen. It is just what I think about. When I am with transwoman in the gayborhood I feel so safe. Guys will not mess with us. I park outside the gayborhood 5 or so blocks to save on parking. 2 weeks ago I went up a little to far and passed my car. There were 4 pretty big guys hanging out in an alley. The saw me and it was like they wanted me to join in with them. There was instant fear and huge red flags. I got out of there and did not make eye contact. Things to consider when you just want to walk down a street.
I had requested a script for PREP on the patient portal at Mazzoni. The doctor needs to do a blood test. He will do that when I have my stitches out from my hair graphs which is on 10/16.
I did not go to my 40th grade school reunion. I had a really tough week. My ex-wife put a bid on a townhome and it really hit me hard. Going to the reunion would have been too much. I had lost my confidence. I was an emotional wreck. It took me a bit to put into perspective my ex-leaving. The seller chose the other buyer. I think this week was a long time coming. I am good now.
I went to group and really needed to be there. Before group they were talking about the party after second Thursday group last week. It was with the Queer Fairies. Food, alcohol, pot and naked people. It started with naked yoga and went from there. A lot of people had been to the party. I got the nitty gritty and it was for the uninhibited.
I had been at the airport 2 weeks ago after the hair graphs for 9 hours before my flight. I had 10 opiates and 10 valium type pills. I had 5 left of each when I got home. I remember taking 1 of each.
Hi Rachel,
Hey girl it sounds like you've had a bit of a rough time lately. I'm sorry you have. For some reason it's is difficult to have a good time when you're feeling low. Well you got me with That party concoction you ordered. I had to look it up to find out what it was. lol I don't think I will be needing to order any of it for myself. (though I will admit to being curious) As for your group, well I guess I'm from a different era (or should that be eon) You would have to classify me in to the inhibited group. It's hard not to be when you are pretty much antisocial and that would be me. But if you are one of the uninhibited I say more power to you girl. I've often looked longingly on people that are able to party hearty and enjoy it. More often than not when I partied I made a fool of myself and wound up sick.
Anyway Rachel, I hope your difficulties were only temporary. Get back in the groove and enjoy yourself.
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I have a trans friend that teaches yoga and thought about going to her classes. She is super nice and has a very grounded persona. Naked yoga is not my thing. Although you do not have to participate to attend. Free alcohol and pot is not a good mix for me either. As far as the people being there naked and having sex in public, not my thing either.
I know a few people there that were having sex and have HIV. I feel that sex is a personal thing and if I ever have sex it will be with a person I care about and or have feelings for and it would not be in public. I know a bunch of people that went for the food, alcohol and pot.
I am feeling better. I will get up and be in the park again tomorrow at dawn and walk 5 miles with a 40 pound pack go home shower, eat and get ready to work outfest in the gayborhood.
Yeah there is short term or immediate gratification which doesn't always mesh with long term goals. Many such choices - quantity and type of food, exercise, parties that get a bit too wild, etc. Your careful decisions and progress over the long haul has inspired so many of us.
Quote from: Rachel on October 07, 2017, 07:07:11 PM
Hi Laurie,
I have a trans friend that teaches yoga and thought about going to her classes. She is super nice and has a very grounded persona. Naked yoga is not my thing. Although you do not have to participate to attend. Free alcohol and pot is not a good mix for me either. As far as the people being there naked and having sex in public, not my thing either.
I know a few people there that were having sex and have HIV. I feel that sex is a personal thing and if I ever have sex it will be with a person I care about and or have feelings for and it would not be in public. I know a bunch of people that went for the food, alcohol and pot.
I am feeling better. I will get up and be in the part again tomorrow at dawn and walk 5 miles with a 40 pound pack go home shower, eat and get ready to work outfest if the gayborhood.
Well Good for you Rachel. You had me wondering with that post. I guess I misunderstood but like I think I said if those lifestyles are good for someone who am I to say it is wrong? It is just not this old fuddyduddy's thing.
I am glad you are feeling better
This is important.
I got Saturdays mail and in it was my medical record surgical information for FFS done by Dr. Spiegel. He did a very good job on my FFS. I still need some soft tissue work and skin tightening but I was told that having the bone work and lower and mid face lift at the same time would result in an 80% face lift result as opposed to waiting 1 year after the bone work to have the lower and mid face lift.
Dr. Spiegel's office will be sending me a letter that they performed FFS and they asked for specific about when I when on HRT, who my practitioner is and therapist. I sent them the letter my therapist made for me for my FFS insurance appeal.
I had remembered reading in my medical record the reason Dr. Spiegel did FFS on me was Gender dysphoria present in adolescent and adult then the specific of the procedures. Mount Auburn Hospital switched to EPIC and when I viewed my surgical information it was gone. I contacted the Health Information Management department at MAH and received the pertinent information in Saturday's mail.
Dr. Spiegel would not state in my letter (pending) that I had Gender Dysphoria as the reason for FFS. In my medical record he wrote:
" Major Procedures and tests performed Facial Feminization Surgery (9/16/2016)
Problem/Plan:
1. Gender dysphoria in adolescent and adult
2. Encounter for cosmetic surgery ..."
then a page of procedures.
So I have Dr. Spiegel on my medical record stating the reason for my FFS as Gender Dysphoria.
When I get the letter from Dr. Spiegel and 2 from Mazzoni (LSW head of the trans program and my MD) with my letter from my therapist I then will either file an appeal with help from a friend on here and/or contact a lawyer that is a Harvard Grad, trans and does medical appeals full time.
Where I work we are self insured so there may be repercussions. This weighs on my mind.
I was discussing an issue I had at work with my therapist. I was pretty disturbing to me and it may be triggering.
My Operations manager was in my office. A few weeks ago when Trump directed the military to not enlist trans. My Operations Manager said he agreed saying the military needs to be read for deployment and trans have a mental illness. When I said we do not have a mental illness he said why is it in DSM 5? Then he said what is DSM 5 for? I said not all trans have dysphoria and that even if they do when they enlist I said it is treatable. He said the military does not enlist others with a pre-existing conditions. I then said, please leave, the conversation is over. I was upset.
This week he was in my office and we were reviewing what we did over the weekend. I said I worked a table for work at outfest. When I was leaving I stood and watched the three preachers that were spouting off their usual you are going to hell stuff. I was watching and started to get angry. When the one preacher made eye contact and pointed with both fingers at his sign at me. I gave him the finger and yelled so stuff at him then went home. Well my Operations Manager said being transgender is a mental illness. He then repeated the DSM 5 statement and how employers have the right to not hire us. He then said if he said he was Napoleon and dressed like Napoleon should an employer be forced to hire him. I said nothing. I kept calm and made no comment or made no look and I did not role my eyes. When he started the third iteration I said I have work to do and turned my back to him and started typing on my PC. I was really hurt and a bit angry.
Couple this with being on a LGBT panel for medical with all questions fair game , my ex-wife making bids on condo's and Town Homes, a class reunion I did not go to, a really stressful job and the normal stress of being trans and not able to blend in and I had a really bad week last week and Monday.
This week I put into perspective my ex-wife's leaving. Also, I came to terms on losing a work friend or someone I thought was a work friend. He made a lot of comments in the past over the years but I finally no longer want to have anything but a work relationship with him.
My therapist helped a lot the past two weeks. She helped give me perspective. One of the things she said was that transgender is not in DSM 5. She said gender dysphoria is in DSM 5. She next said something really powerful to me. She said I no longer have gender dysphoria. She is 100% correct. I never realized my gender dysphoria was treatable and that I addressed it. I still have insecurities and I still want my voice corrected and some soft tissue fine tuning on my face and tummy. However, I do not have gender dysphoria. I had it since I was very young and I addressed it. I need to start my life over and I regret losing my wife and daughter and I do not have GD.
So GD is in DSM 5 and GD is curable. Transgender is not in DSM 5. SO my Operations Manager is not a nice person and I allowed him to snipe and say mean things to me because I had a really low opinion of myself. I had a really low opinion of myself all my life.
My therapist said some powerful things. About how people at work support me and talk to me and care about me. She said I do not need to hold onto everyone and some people I am better to let go.
I tried so hard for so long to keep everyone and do almost anything to keep them. I am rethinking this and I will be letting some people drift away.
Monday I get the stitches out and discuss with the doctor about going on PrEP. I would need blood tests and the side effects can be considerable. I will need to really think about this. Especially since I am still yet to have sex since GCS.
I did 5 miles at dawn at Tyler State Park today with my 40 pound pack. I love that walk and the feeling I get when done. The deer are so pretty and the scenery is so nice and peaceful.
When I was in New Hope today I purchased the matching earrings to my necklace. I also found another pair of absolutely beautiful earrings, for another time.
I do not have GD. GD is treatable. I do not have to keep everyone in my life and I can choose to let some people go. Oh, the preachers at outfest and pride are just as ignorant as my Operations Manager.
I read a lot of personal progress there Rachel. A lot of progress.
Now come show me how. lol
Quote from: Rachel on October 14, 2017, 07:42:53 PM
He then said if he said he was Napoleon and dressed like Napoleon should an employer be forced to hire him.
I would have said "well if Napoleon has the skills required for the job, why not?".
Hi Laurie, thank you. I wish what I learned was done many years ago. Unfortunately the lessons are learned one at a time and through a lot of pain and introspection. I guess I am learning to let go of the past and embracing the future. I know one thing for sure, some people are not good for us and excusing poor behavior, physical and mental abuse is unacceptable. They come to me because I accept them and want everyone to like me. I am afraid of losing anyone. Well that allows a lot of poor behavior from others to affect me. Instead I want nice people in my life.
Hi Charlie Nicki, I was hurt and trying to keep a clear mind. I was also listening to him spout off ignorance and keep my mind free of anger. I would much rather not engage a person like him. In the future I will be kind and professional to him but not allow a conversation other than work related to occur.
I have never met your Operations Manager but I bet they aren't the best person for their job. A crustacean clinging to the wrong side of history, griping about anything changing as the world passes them by.
If Napoleon was here today he would fire your Operations Manager.
We only have a limited number of minutes per day at work and elsewhere. People behaving like your Operations Manager have earned nothing more than a simple yes or no answer to business questions, and for topics unrelated to work they might as well be speaking an undecipherable language. Spend more time with the cool kids - you'll win.
Hi Kendra, thank you. You are 100% correct. I allow him too much space in my mind and need to limit his influence and exposure on me.
Quote from: Rachel on October 15, 2017, 09:46:45 AM
Hi Charlie Nicki, I was hurt and trying to keep a clear mind. I was also listening to him spout off ignorance and keep my mind free of anger. I would much rather not engage a person like him. In the future I will be kind and professional to him but not allow a conversation other than work related to occur.
I understand your point. Just want you to keep in mind, I have found that the best way to deal with blind ignorance and haters such as him if you can't ignore them is to own whatever they're saying and just go with it and have a good comeback to it without letting his comments affect you. Rational explanations don't actually work because they're not interested in hearing you or learning.
But yeah it's best for your mental peace if you ignore him.
Thank you Charlie Nicki.
I went my PCP, which is an LGBC health canter, for stitches removal and to discuss going on PREP. We discussed I am a virgin since GCS and that I want to become sexually active. We reviewed the most likely pool of guys I will be potentially dating (in the gayborhood) their potential for HIV and need to barrier protection for other std's. We also discussed blood tests for prep which I will do on Dec 4th and what to do in the mean time if something was to happen, condoms in my purse. We reviewed liver, kidney and bone density potential issues. He said some surprising things about HIV treatment just in case I do contract it.
I did not do a blood test yesterday because I still need some time to just be single. I am not ready yet to be with someone.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but why would you risk health/life?
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Don't rush anything. I'm just over three years post-op and by now I am interested in finding a boyfriend. I've never had one. I am quite a lot older than you are though ...
Hi Gertrude, I would love to be with someone that likes me for me and not ashamed to be with me. I do like intimacy and would like to experience sex the way I always envisioned it. As far as risking my health/life I do not know if you are referring to PREP or having sex with guys in the gayborhood. PREP would be monitored quarterly with a blood test and if I react to it I will go off it. As far as having sex I would ultimately want testing done on both of us but something could happen and I am prepared just in case.
Hi Mary, I understand. I will go slow and only do something when I am ready. I want to explore and at the same time am apprehensive to ever let someone get close to me. I need to try to get out of my comfort level and just meet people for now.
Quote from: Rachel on October 17, 2017, 06:59:20 PMWe reviewed the most likely pool of guys I will be potentially dating (in the gayborhood) their potential for HIV and need to barrier protection for other std's.
Maybe I misunderstood but are you planning to date gay guys? I'm not sure that gay guys are sexually interested in transgender women. You should hunt for bi or straight guys.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 18, 2017, 10:52:23 PM
Maybe I misunderstood but are you planning to date gay guys? I'm not sure that gay guys are sexually interested in transgender women. You should hunt for bi or straight guys.
Hunt? That sounds so male. :) probably the two best ways to meet people are through friends or through activities one likes.
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I am interested in males. A gay guy would have no interest in me.
I will be volunteering in our LGBT community center to increase exposure. I know a lot of trans there and want to make connections to meet other people.
The gayborhood has a lot of different people and sexual preferences and lifestyles.
Rachel,
Friendship, dating, companionship all of that can come at the strangest times and places and you might not even recognize it when it does happen. I've started to think that the LGBT center might not be the right place. Maybe a cooking class, sailing class, card game club. Basically some activity you share with a group is a great way to meet people.
- Denise
Hi Denise,
I think you are right. I like walking up and down hills. I did 5 miles Saturday with a 60 pound pack. Finding like minded people would be a lot of fun. Maybe I will look for hiking meetups. Thanks.
I did 5 miles each on Saturday and Sunday with a 60 pound pack up and down hills. I do a 20 pound pack weekdays but for only 1.5 miles. I also do 30 plus flights of steps in the morning at 5 am and do 50 squats and 25 angled push ups. I will be adding pushups and squats to the routine this week. I would love to do steps at lunch time too.
I have my 1 year checkup with Dr. McGinn November 20th. Two things are on my mind. One is that Heather gave me homework to have sex. I do not think I will be making that homework assignment. My ex is still living with me and I need to first reach out and join some groups to increase my social circle. Second, I am having an in-office procedure to "close off" the bottom of my vagina. I do not fully know what that entails ( I have a very good idea but not specifics). I will ask before it is done. I believe it is for cosmetic reasons. When I was waiting for my BA Dr. McGinn and Heather examined me. The doctor asked do you want me to close of the bottom of your vagina and I said yes. I know how dumb that sounds but it is what happened.
I need to let Dr. McGinn know the orange dilator is still tight and hurts When I slowly put it in.
I have all the letters for my FFS appeal (Dr. Spiegels should arrive this week) except for my primary and the head of trans care (both at Mazzoni). I will get the letters.
Papillion is supposed to send me a letter for my passport. I will need to call tomorrow. I sent a few e-mails and it was to have been sent on the 7th of Oct.
Issue, I want additional FFS mid 2018 to 1) open my eye, 2) maybe decrease my upper lip, 3) lower face lift and jowls and mid face fat removal and 4) love handle and tummy fat removal. I am considering over seas due to the cost in the states. I may break this up and do it over a few years. I am thinking of going to PAI or another place.
VFS is scheduled on Dec 20. I need to let my ex know. Bad enough the procedure will have me speechless for a while but the apprehension of telling her, the potential for violence and the apprehension of coming home and having an issue. Maybe she will buy a condo or townhouse by then.
I received the letter from Papillion for my passport and sent it to the Department of State Philadelphia today. Since I had to surrender my old passport I can not travel out of the country until I get my new passport. I was requested to send a copy of my passport to a doctor Thursday to arrange the paperwork for a vis for next summer.
My 1 year post op is 11/15/2017. I have been thinking about how things are different now compared to before transition. No one told me dysphoria, suicidal ideation, planning and attempting suicide would stop. I had severe depression for a very long time. I sometimes get depressed but I do not have depression. The only medication I take is E every 14 days (or less if I feel really low).
I was walking in the state part this morning 45 minutes before sunrise. The owls were talking to each other. There were shadows and noises all around me and I enjoyed listening as I walked and the sun rose and the moon set. I enjoyed myself. I think I will find a hiking group on meetup or go to the LGBT hiking group out of William Way LGBT community center.
I still get looked at by people in public. I realize it is mostly guys. Some of them stare at me, what is that about? Anyhow, I am becoming very comfortable with myself and am pretty happy overall.
I am still about 198 pounds but I have a lot more muscle. My pants a getting too big and I think a size 10 dress pants is a option now. Also I am able to fit well into a large top :) . One of the things I noticed about my tummy and oblique's is that there is not too much fat and that it is rearranging over time.
I started sprouting today and hope to add that to my daily diet. I am sprouting broccoli sprout seeds. I think I need to add a 4th container of salad a week. I run out on Fridays.
My old professional coach stopped by my office on Friday. We finished our work together about 6 years ago. we see each other 5 or so times a year. I told her about the pending vocal surgery. She said when is enough enough and you are comfortable being yourself? I told her not yet. I have a few more things to do. I still have some things unresolved. I let her know I want to go back to school but I do not know for what. I have two areas I would love to pursue but I have a few things I need to further investigate.
I was asked Friday by a friend at work when will I wear a skirt? She is very nice and I can count on her to give me honest opinions. She wants me to wear more form fitting clothing. Not tight but more form fitting. I agree and I will start. She said guys like to see female features and more form fitting clothing is needed. One of the things I need to learn and I am in real need of help with is how do I figure out a person is looking at me because I am trans and how do I know a person is interested in me?
Quote from: Rachel on November 04, 2017, 07:32:49 PM
> One of the things I need to learn and I am in real need of help with is how do I figure out a person is looking at me because I am trans and how do I know a person is interested in me?
I was just thinking about this today before I read your post. I am not sure either but as time goes on and I am gradually getting better at fitting in, I notice the looks are about as frequent as before but seem to be a different motivation. I bet there are cases when they are very interested in you.
Passport. I applied for mine using standard fees, didn't pay extra for rush processing. I had my new passport in my hands in 17 days. Mine was mailed to/from Seattle to Pennsylvania, so your mailing speed will be faster.
Hi Kendra, I guess if a guy is staring I might give some encouraging look or perhaps smile if I want him to say something. That can be a bit intimidating.
I have vocal surgery with Dr. Haban scheduled 12/20/2017. My ex-wife still lives with me and still is controlling. I need to let her and my daughter know the surgery is scheduled. This will be a big issue for me. I really do not want to debate or argue. I just want to let them know and not be surprised.
This weekend my ex said some crap and that was unprovoked. She is looking for a place and I think she will still be here in January.
I need to live my life as me without continuous negative comments and an unsupportive environment.
Hi Rachel I read your very first message and then realize there were pages and pages in this thread. Naturally (for me) I jumped the gun and read your most recent posts. I have to say.. I was not expecting that! Such a huge difference and it's very encouraging for me personally. You go girl!
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Hi Dist123, I know, there has been a huge change in my life. Thanks for reading and the encouragement.
Kendra, perhaps I should not always be on the defensive and welcome some guys to talk. I was walking on 12th street a month or so ago and a well dressed guy asked if I would stop and talk to him. I just kept going and said no. I was frightened. I have heard so many stories from friends in community I just think the worst possible outcome.
My hold up was I submitted the GCS (copy) document Dr. McGinn provides. It is a beautiful document but does not have all the elements for the 5 year passport. I called Papillion and they sent the needed document but it was returned to them twice. Debbie mailed if from her post office and I received it Saturday and it went to the Department of State today.
So I am a bit hesitant about VFS. I have it scheduled for 12/20/2017 with Dr. Haban and paid $3,500 (1/2) up front for a triple unless he advised differently. So to make matters a bit more nerve racking my voice therapist told me about a doctor in Philly that does VFS and that she did not think about it until now. She shared an obscure YouTube video from a June conference. I listened to the video and called their office. I left a message with the scheduler and I will get a consult.
Now for the interesting part. The conference was full of doctors and voice pathologists. The doctor mentioned a procedure he watched ( the surgeon that performed the surgery was in the audience) and was to have the procedure published. It removed some muscle on the sides of the vocal folds. This surgery was said to be quick and easy and was said to thin the vocal folds. The doctor said the CTA increases resonance and the glottoplasty increases pitch. I was thinking why not do all three??
Something I really liked to hear. The doctor said he does a 30 to 50 % web for the glottoplasty. He does not remove the mucosal layer, he moves it and it remains. He said if he had to he could remove a little of the web and because the mucosal layer is still there the voice does not have hoarseness and remains crisp.
The doctor had outstanding credentials and experience. I can not believe I have never heard of him before this. So, after I have my consult I will post my thoughts. I will choose to either cancel my operation with Dr. Haban and schedule with this doctor or keep my scheduled appointment with Dr. Haban.
What the doctor showed on the slides and how he explained all the different procedures and how they were as far as effectiveness was really exciting. This is what I wanted to hear. So if it pans out and the doc is awesome I will post a link to the YouTube and my new scheduled VFS date. I would really like to have all three procedures.
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My ex-wife is still living with me and looking for a place to live. I like it because it allows me to slowly accept the future and get use to it. I now am ok with it and know it will happen. I really want to remain friends. I removed her from my benefits. That was tough.
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I found a hill that is a absolute killer. I felt so incredibly good after today's walk. It was 22 degrees (-5.5 degrees C). So I was cold. I went to Dicks Sporting goods after I showered from my morning 5 mile walk with 60 pounds of lead weight. I purchased some Under Armor tights and a Nike top for the cold tomorrow. I was a lazy butt this morning and I did not get up until 1 hour after sunrise. I did not want to slip on any ice in the dark. I am usually in the park walking 45 minutes before sunrise. It is a awesome sound to have a few dozen owls hooting and the moon shining, then sunrise and he shadows recess. Being alone and having the entire park alone and to myself.
I passed a memorial bench today. It was new and had silk flowers on either side. The memorial said it was for their young daughter that died there. The words were so incredibly sad I cried. I had to leave that location for fear of looking odd (HAHAHA).
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I see doctor McGinn on 11/20/17 for my 1 year appointment and a procedure. I hope it does not impair my exercise but if it does it does. I definitely want my bottom closed off. The end of the month is a local LGBT hiking club meet up and I really wanted to finally go but if I miss it so be it.
I did not complete my homework that Chrystal assigned (to have vaginal sex).
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I called my sister after group on my way home Thursday night. She was drunk and laid into me. I guess drunk speech I sober thoughts. She dug into me about my transition, my gender, sexuality, make up, hair, hair color and underwear. Really underwear, she said I need to get female underwear. I told her several times I wear really cute underwear and it did not sink in. She kept asking if I want a guy and to have sex with a stud. Eventually my patience waned and after 45 minutes I said I need to go. I was really hurt and cried a bit in my car on the way home. My family ( family including aunts, uncles and cousins) has been devastated by drugs and alcohol. I am clean and sober :) and want to remain that way.
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Rachel,
Thank you keeping us up to date. You sounds like you are doing okay overall. I imagine a little fear regard any surgery is normal but I'm betting you will be okay. I'm sorry about your call to your sister it didn't sound like much fun for you at all. Alcohol does that to people. I am glad you want to be clean and sober. We want you clean and sober also.
Quote from: Rachel on November 06, 2017, 04:36:10 PM
My hold up was I submitted the GCS (copy) document Dr. McGinn provides. It is a beautiful document but does not have all the elements for the 5-year passport. I called Papillion and they sent the needed document but it was returned to them twice. Debbie mailed if from her post office and I received it Saturday and it went to the Department of State today.
Rachel, I'm confused. I've not had GCS nor am I scheduled for it and just received a 10-year full Passport without any restrictions. In fact, the only thing that I have not had success (and have not tried) is the gender marker on my New Jersey birth certificate.
- Denise
Hi Laurie, thanks for the support. I am 55 and am in the best shape of my life. I walked 5.5 miles with a 430 feet assent hill in the park today with a 60 pound pack. Exercise makes me feel awesome. I just keep in mind waking up puking and feeling sick until I drank to chase the hangover. It was 25 degrees in the park this morning and I got there 20 minutes before sunrise. There were two cars there already. There are people there at 7:30 running that steep hill. Gasping for air or breathing very heavy. Some people sprint the hill. Some day I will drop my pack and run that hill.
Hi Denise, with my passport application I had to surrender my old passport. The pic did not look like me, the name was dead as well as the gender. I filed the forms of which I send a copy of my GCS form ( beautiful certificate from Dr. McGinn), my original new birth certificate with new name and gender and a copy of my drivers license with new name and gender. The Department of State (DOS) wanted an original letter from my GCS doctor with items A through G that needed to be stated and the letter had to be notarized. I got the letter from Papillion and sent it to the DOS.
A) Physicians full name,
B) medical license number,
C) Issuing State of the medical license,
D) Address and phone number of doctor,
E) had medical relationship and has examined me and my medical history,
F) medical treatment for new sex and state that sex,
G) I declare under penalty of surgery under laws of US that the following is true and correct.
I have a consult with Dr. Sataloff Wednesday. They had a cancellation and I jumped at the opportunity. I e-mailed my insurance handler and they are in network and the consult is covered. The consult is $ 1,200. If anyone has had surgery or a consult with him please share your experience.
I received a bill in the mail from Lower Bucks Hospital for my BA.
Aetna paid them a fixed price of $8,900 for the BA.
Lower Bucks charged me $1,200 when I checked in. Aetna said they would refund me the $1,200.
Lower Bucks charged Aetna $39,999. They want me to pay $11,079.21.
Be very careful and definitely pay Dr. McGinn for your GCS and BA and not the hospital separately.
Dr. McGinn charges $8,000 for the BA which included the implants, her fee, the hospital and anesthesia fee. Instead of reimbursing me for Dr. McGinn Aetna paid the Hospital $8,900 plus Dr. McGinn plus anesthesia plus the implants. This upsets me because the cost gets passed to my employer because we are self insured. Aetna is not managing the costs well.
Lower Bucks Hospital called me today and cancelled the $11,790 bill and want me to call back next week about the $1,200 admission fee.
I canceled my VFS with Dr. Haben tonight. I scheduled with Dr. Sateloff. I had the consult, they recorded my vocal folds through a nose and then mouth scope. I then had electrode pushed into my neck at 7 or 8 locations to measure vibration symmetry then electric shock was induced to check nerve condition.
I need to meet with their speech team 12/1 ( 2 one hour consults). The operation is scheduled 12/11/2017.
I have a bunch of preoperative tests that need to be done:
Blood,
MRI,
Primary care check list.
I have 3 scripts one of which is for my esophagus to be scoped. I have reflux that I did not know about.
The operation will be a cricothyroid subduction. He came about this technique by mistake. A vet had an issue after a tube was removed. The issue required a surgical separation. The issue had presented itself for 2 years without returning to normal by itself. The doctor had been working with Trans since residency and he thought it would make a great VFS technique. It has limitations in that older patients have calcification which reduces the cartledge flexibility. I have some calcification. He will proceed with the operation and if it can not be done then he will do a CTA. He is not a fan of the CTA and stated his reasons. He has seen long-term failures (separation) in a higher percentage of patients than he is comfortable with. He said he would stitch the CTA securely to prevent separation.
I have no creases in my neck so a scar is an issue.
He will do an Adams apple shave but said I do not need one. I said it has bothered me since puberty and I feel it 8 or 9 times a day. He said that is a good reason to eliminate it.
He asked why I wanted the VFS and I said when in a meeting and I need to think or address a group my tone drops. I think to raise it but when it does drop I am embarrassed to then raise it again. He asked if having someone in my bed at night and I talk in my sleep or am startled would that cause a low tone event? I said it would but I think that probability is low. He said who knows. He said does outing yourself from voice a concern. I said I do not pass visually so it is not a concern. He said he thought I did pass. He said my voice is a mix of high male and low female and the operation would raise my pitch 5/8 to 1 octave into the female range
He said he could do a glottoplasty and said I would need a 40% or a bit more tie. He said my voice would be breathy and lower. My voice is low now. He said it would be hoarse and that guys like hoarse low volume high pitch woman. I said I do not want a hoarse low powered voice. He said he agrees because of what I do for a living and I need to be heard and taken seriously in a meeting. ( I had a meeting with a woman that had a 30% tie glottoplasty. She said she lost voice power and gets hoarse. She said to me that she is stepped on in meetings now. Her voice pitch increased 30 or a bit more HZ, she was not happy and wished she did not have the operation)
I received my 10 year passport today :) Proper gender and name with a pic that looks like me.
Dr. Sateloff's office called and he wants me to get an ultrasound of my thyroid glands too.
Quote from: Rachel on November 16, 2017, 06:39:47 PM
> I received my 10 year passport today :) Proper gender and name with a pic that looks like me.
YES!! Feels great doesn't it?
Hi Kendra, yes it does feel good. I had the opportunity to travel 4 times during the process of getting my passport. I would most likely have only traveled once but not having the passport just made not going worse.
I just got back from pillion.
Linda said she was going to put me into the far room because they may do some work on me today.
Crystal examined me first. She asked if I was sexually active. I said no. Then she asked if I was orgasmic which I said yes. She asked if there was something I did not like or wanted as a revision? She said my vagina looked pretty good. I explained that when she and Dr. McGinn examined me when I had my BA that Dr. McGinn asked if I wanted the bottom of my vagina closed and I said yes. She said ok and that she would review it with the doctor.
So when you look at the bottom of my vagina it is open and the labia majora opens out and it is not together.
Dr. McGinn came in and examined me. When she came into the room she said I remember you and your vagina. We smiled and laughed. She asked how dilation was going. I said it was a little painful and after I exercise from the weekends it is painful for a few days, due to swelling. She said she recommends that she:
close off a little hole in my clitoral hood,
lower my urethra,
remove the scar tissue at the bottom of my vagina,
remove the scar tissue ring from the graft,
dissect pretty far to the left and right at he bottom of my vagina (4 or 5 inches),
close off the bottom of my vagina.
She said it would be 2 hours in the OR under general anesthesia. I am scheduled for April 4th.
We reviewed VFS and her thoughts. She said she is not really up on the subject. She said my voice is ok and that it is a mix of male and female. She said she heard Dr. Kim's patients and they sounded ok. She asked who I am going with and I said Dr. Sadaloff. She said he is the god of voice but that she did not know of any trans patients that when to him. She asked what procedure and I said cricoidthyroid subluxation. I explained the difference from the CTA. She said the CTA had long term issues for some patients. I said Dr. Sadaloff explained the issue with the CTA and that the CT seduction was permanent. She wants me to talk to her 2 years after the operation so if it is successful she can let other patients know.
She said he has the best voice therapy team and that every trans patient should go to them for that. I see them December 4th.
She asked why do more trans patients not go to him and why his procedure not used extensively. I said I did not know. She said the CTA is almost too high then after a while the voice gets lower. She said it is like the difference between a cello and a violin and she thinks the focal folds stretch.
I do know opera singers and singers go to him and that trans do go to him. I will ask the vocal team if they have any recordings pre and post op of trans patients and what the long term prognosis is.
Dr. Sadaloff uses extensive pre-testing I had a scope in my nose and throat taking video of the vocal folds, I had electrical probes in my throat at 8 or so locations measuring the difference between the left and right side. I had an electrical shock test to see how the nerves react. I will have 2 appointments Dec 1st with is vocal team and I will have an MRI and ultrasound and there is a script for my esophagus to be scoped. I suspect post surgery I will be going to their voice pathologist team.
On of the things Dr. Sadaloff did say is that older patients can have calcification of the thyroid cartridge which can make it not a candidate for the subduction and then he would do a CTA. He said I had some calcification but he will know only when he is in the OR. I will be awake and talking to him which sounded a bit strange.
I hope things work out. I know hope is not a plan nor a good thing to rest your purse on.
I had the wrong name for the procedure in the past. It is Cricothyroid Subluxation.
It all sounds as though things are progressing according to plan. I'm glad to hear that you are doing will.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie, thanks for the support.
I am pretty shaken from the extent of what needs to be done with my vagina. I have some significant scar tissue and it is painful when I dilate. When I walk on Saturday and Sunday 5.7 miles each day with a 60 pound pack my dilation is really painful. I have to twist the dilator back and forth to get it in. It takes a few minutes to help reduce the pain. Getting it out I have to d the reverse.
Aetna took Lower Bucks out of their in network so I will probably pay $2,000 for the OR.
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I received the letter today from Mazzoni from the head of trans care and my primary doctor supporting the medically necessary FFS. Now I need to contact some friends to get advise on the appeal.
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Thanksgiving I plan on going to the State Park and doing the main hill 4 times. I will see if I can do it. If not I will do it to failure. The feeling I get when I am done the hike is fantastic. Hopefully Thursday I have enough endorphins to calm Philadelphia.
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I have 2 tests next Monday (MRI and ultrasound) then 3 tests next Friday ( 2 at Dr. Sataloff"s and a blood test). Monday Dec 4 I have a blood test for prep and a physical for the vocal operation.
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This time I will go through with the blood test for prep. I need to visit some museums and institutes over the next few months. If I find someone I need to find someone that likes the things I like. I am not going to have sex with someone without liking them and having common interests. If he verbally or physically abuses me I will be out of there. I will never put myself in the position of not having an out in the future.
With so many times you have already been through anesthesia I can imagine how an additional surgery isn't something to look forward to. Best wishes for April 4.
For insurance, I'm certainly not an expert but I would think any changes to coverage (Lower Bucks no longer being in-network) wouldn't matter after the fact. Any reimbursement should be based on the agreement at that point in time.
I am very interested in your potential vocal procedure with Dr. Sataloff. I am getting quite frustrated with my own voice... I've been going to a speech therapist training since July, she is good but I am not. I know pitch is less than half the battle, I need to continue working on resonance and articulation but too often I get into a conversation and forget about my pitch until it's too late. I have considered Yeson in Korea and I don't mind international travel (I am in Marbella a few hours from now) but I had not heard of or considered Dr. Sataloff until you mentioned him.
Kendra, good luck in Marabella. Something to keep in mind about Dr. Spiegel. He softens the face but does not do extensive bones work to the point you look like you had plastic surgery. At times I wish I had more extensive work and others I am ok with the level of work.
Lower Bucks is out of network with Aetna as of 11/20/2017. So April 4th, 2018 I will be liable for 20% until my deductible is paid (it will be paid before then) in which case I will owe 10%.
I need to contact Dr. Sataloff's office Friday and submit for preauthorization. I need for them to state it is for FFS, I am pre-approved for that already. When it is all said and done I will post the costs and results. Dr. McGinn wants to know the 2 year time point result status.
I sent a copy of my new passport, as requested, by Dr. Telang. He sent me a proposal for a scope of work:
PFA the costs of the procedures discussed: ( all costs are in USD):
1) Eyebrow lift : 500
2) Upper eyelid blepharoplasty : 500
3) Cheek implants : 1000
4) facelift : 2000
5) Necklift : 1000 if done along with the facelift
6) Chin reduction : 500
7) vaser lipo of tummy and saddle bags: 2500
Total 8000 USD, inclusive of stay in a single AC room with WiFi, all medications, anaesthesia and airport transfers.
I asked to add buccosal fat removal.
So here are some costs for FFS in Mumbai.
I asked Papillion to ask Dr. McGinn if she would do a brow lift on me and if yes then the cost add when she does the vaginal work.
I had a thought that if I can put up with the scar tissue and pain from it and no one ever sees my vagina then why have the work done? Then that thought passed. Dr. McGinn showed me how my vagina would look after the work and it is exciting. I would have for the first time genitals that looked normal. Also, having my urethra moved would eliminate and issue when I pee. Because it is just under my citreous and clitoral hood. When I pee the stream hits citreous. When I had GCS I swelled up pretty bad and the urethra was buried in a hole from the swelling.
Quote from: Kendra on November 22, 2017, 12:12:53 AM
I am very interested in your potential vocal procedure with Dr. Sataloff. I am getting quite frustrated with my own voice... I've been going to a speech therapist training since July, she is good but I am not.
I just wanted to jump in here to caution against voice surgery. It is still a very risky procedure and the results aren't nearly as consistent as results from the other MtF transition surgeries. If you have been seeing a speech therapist since July, that is what, just 4 months of training? That's barely any time at all! For many people it takes twice as long to find a female voice, even with weekly lessons and daily practice. The older you are, the longer it's going to take to develop your voice. And if you smoked at all in the past, that will also add to the time required. Please don't give up on voice training so easily. Yes, surgery is an option, but please make it only the last resort after you give yourself enough time with vocal training.
Hello echo7,
Thanks for the support. Kendra said she had been going to a voice pathologist since July. I have been going since March, about 8 months. I have not been able to make progress with pitch going up. I often find myself going into a lower register when at meetings and when reviewing designs. I had smoked from 12 to 46 with 2 years in there smoke free. I have not smoked for 9 years.
I do not want glottoplasty because the loss of vocal power and hoarseness. I was told this is from the web at the front to the vocal fold. I know in time that improves on many people. I had dinner and then a visit with my speech pathologist with a woman that went to a well renown doctor for glottoplasty. She had about a 40 HZ increase and lost vocal power. She sounded feminine but was not happy with the results.
CTA I am told can fail resulting in the former voice returning. I am told you sound very high then the voce drops a bit to a more natural pitch. I have read the opposite here.
CT subluxation was told to me by Dr. Sadaloff to be permanent. You are awake and talking during the procedure to get the correct pitch. The doctor said the only issue with older patients is that if the thyroid cartilage is calcified and brittle the procedure can not be done. Then a CTA would be performed, I would not be happy.
echo7, do you have any information? I cancelled my surgery with Dr. Haban because he offers glottoplasty or CTA and I am apprehensive to have those procedures because of what I have read here or with those that had the procedure and I spoke with.
I had the ultrasound of my thyroid and MRI of my throat today in preparation for VFS. The MRI was to have been done with and without contrast. They could not get a vein for the contrast. I hope that does not make a difference.
1st time I had a MRI. It was not bad.
I feel a bit apprehensive. So lets say the operation is a success. I have thoughts that people will think I am transgender when I speak. I know that is not rational. I do not pass and people think I am trans.
I was bagging some old suites, shirts and pants this weekend, I need space in my closet, and thought should I donate them or keep them incase I get fired. How could I ever go back? There is no way.
I had the same thoughts when I had FFS, not my GCS or BA. The BA really helps me feel good when wearing tops. When I have on my Under Armor or Nike workout thermal gear it looks fantastic :) . Anyhow, when I had FFS I thought this is it. It is an outward face to the world. The same with my voice, it is outward facing the world.
On one hand I feel embarrassed. I know from experience it is from something new and I will get use to it.
Now if the operation does not go well or my results are poor I will be unhappy. My voice is a mix of male and female and I can not ever pass if it does not improve. However, it is my voice that is at stake. Did I ever mention being trans is a gift that keeps giving.
I still need to tell my wife and daughter :( . Courage is not one of my strong points.
I had to reschedule the MRI with contrast. So Friday I have 4 appointments ( 2 at Dr. Sataloff's, 1 MRI with contrast and 1 bloodwork). I have my PCP (prep appointment with blood test and VFS physical) Monday. I know I will puke before this is over.
I confirmed I will need 1 week of vocal rest.
Deep breaths Rachel, deep breathes. You will be okay. Trust me. :icon_bunch:
Hugs,
Laurie
Thank you Laurie.
I am off tomorrow so I would will go to Work from 5 to 7. Then go to Dr. Sataloff's office for a 8 and then 9 am appointment tomorrow then a MRI with contrast at 12:30 in Langhorne PA then 3 pm blood work Back in Philadelphia . Then I can eat and go home. Monday I have my PCP physical and blood work for prep.
When I get the script for prep I will also switch my e and needles to my work insurance plan instead of Mazzoni. When I went to CVS originally I took a lot of crap several times but now I have confidence and will answer them back and not cringe. I remember what Dusty said to me when I told him the stories. He said their job is to fulfill the prescription he makes and not be judgemental, remind them of that. I can do that now.
My therapist cancelled for work reasons . I did electrolysis but skipped group. I like the 6 pm group but have grown out of it. It is tough to go now. I really want to go to the 730 group but then I would get home 910 and get to bed after dilation at 10 then up at 330 for Work. Maybe I could dilate on Tuesday mornings at 3 am or skip one day a week. Dr. Mcginn still has me dilating 7 days a week and with the April GCS revision I need to follow her requests . I need to get into a the social group. There is more drama there and a lot more free dialogue and activities with no LSW thee as a moderator.
I still need to tell my ex ( still lives with me) and daughter about my he vfs.
I have a lunch scheduled with a friend at work that had been on a keto diet for about a year now. She was a vegitarian for many years and now eats a lot of animal and anamal products. I was a almost 100% vegetarian for about 5 years and close to that for 14 years. But now eat meat but cut back significantly ( I started to get naucious thinking about it About three weeks ago). Anyhow, I need to be very thoughtful on what I eat and do it well.
Rachel, that is one busy schedule but you must take time to breathe or you will fall on your face and we can't have that happen, now can we?
Hi Laurie, thanks. I will unwind tomorrow morning in the park. My left knee still hurts from last week. I think I strained it when I was doing flat footed angled pushups with 60 pounds of weight. I went back on the trail and I felt a sharp mushy pain. I think I hurt the IT band.
I had the two speech appointments today at Dr.Sataloff's office. The one appointment was for documenting my present voice as I use it. I have strain from raising my pitch. I was shown several drills to reduce strain. I had a lung function test and am at 60 percent. Male expected is 80 and female is 71. So I am low. By a good bit.
I had the MRI with contrast and the blood work . All I need is my pcp physical Monday.
It was 3 pm when I passed a pretzel shop. 2 to go and a Diet Coke. Lots of carbs. Then 3 cookie and some pizza. Went home and crashed. I was spent from the nervousness. Did I mention I hate needles.
Hi Rachel,
I was told at my first voice appointment my vocal cords are tight. My first lesson was learning to breathe right to produce better sound followed with a lesson to make noises at a comfortable normal pitch then 2 tones higher w/o straining then transitioning from low to higher and back. They also recorded my normal voice for comparison for later exercises with me rating them for how I think it meets the goals I want. We've gone onto inflections and forward mouth forward focus speaking vs chest speaking. I feel silly doing a lot of the exercises but they tell me I'm making progress. If this doesn't work enough for me to sound female I'll probably just say to heck with it. I feel I do a fair job when I concentrate but it is far from a natural effort.
I hope your MRI was satisfactory as well as the other tests. Keep an eye on those carbs as they usually go hand in hand with calories. I probably put on a few pounds I didn't need by eating my whole mincemeat pie 1/8 of it at a time. One slice had twice the 60 carbs that was suggested to me for a meal.
Needles? I've never been a fan of them myself but when I became a diabetic, I started giving myself shots in the tummy. I'm down to only twice a day now. It helped me get over the stigma against shots.
Hang in there Rachel. You'll be fine.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie, I like fruit cake, I know odd. I did 6.5 miles yesterday and 5.5 miles today with a 60 pound pack up and down hills. I used up a lot of calories. When I come home I cook 3 pablino peppers with high MCT butter, add in white chedder chease then 4 non-GMO small farm raised cage free eggs. Of coarse sprinkled with red pepper.
I too hope all is well with the testing. Dr. Sadaloff felt that my one thyroid glands was bigger than the other. He also though one vocal fold vibrated faster than the other. He measured the rate of vibration of the vocal foldes and the nerve response to electrical shock. Talk about two very painful tests :( . All with 5 fellows and intern doctors watching.
I am sure he will let me know if there is an issue and resolve it. If I have an issue I am sure he will address it and I will get it taken care of. I am 1 week and 1 day away from surgery.
For the first time in my life I want to live.
If my thyroid cartledge is too calcified for the subluxaion proceedure I will ask him to do the shave and ask if he can do a glottoplasty instead of a CTA. The glottoplasty, from what I read, has been a proceedure that has better long term results. I am also thinking if the subluxation can not work then perhaps just close me up.
His glottoplasty is from 30 to 50% web. He leaves a portion of the mucosal membrain for about 1/3 of the proceedure. This is incase he needs to reduce the web later then the vocal fold will not be adversely affected. He also said it reduces the scar at the top of the web which can reduce breathyness. He did say the result will be a more breathy voice.
I had vocal tests done Monday. I asked the speach pathologist if he has a lot of trans patients. He said he has not been there long (he is young) but that he has worked with more FTM than MTF patients. He said the FTM did not undergo surgery. He said they are very busy and deal with many different patients for different reasons. They deal with a large amount of singers and teachers that have issues with their voices.
I know there are two walls in the waiting room filled with Singers and Opera singers pictures thanking the doctor.
Dr, Sadaloff presentation starts at about minute 41.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUUbEh9BgkM&t=2503s
I went to my PCP and did my pre-surgical physical and then final blood work. We also did bloodwork for PrEP.
I need to tell my ex tonight about the operation. I am a chicken.
I was thinking I will let Dr. Sataloff know if the subluxation proceedure will not work then either sew me up or do a glottoplasty.
I told my ex and she was ok. She made a statement that she can not understand me when my pitch is raised.
I called Dr. Sadaloff's office and requested a glottoplasty if the CT subluxaction will not work. He was fine with that. Although, glottoplasty is general anesthesia and I will need someone to pick me up. I made arrangements for someone from work to pick me up. I work 10 minutes across own.
I need to be at the hospital 0600 on Monday. I can not believe I am doing this :) . Noone at work thinks anything about me getting a trans proceedure and I get a lot of people saying good luck.
I am going to try to get to work Tuesday.
Tomorrow I will be at Taylor state park before 6. We are expecting snow and I really want to be well into the park at sunrise when it starts to snow. There is a field I love to see sunrise from and can not wait to see it with snow. There are usually a half dozen deer in the field as the sun rises.
Quote from: Rachel on December 08, 2017, 07:17:37 PM
> We are expecting snow and I really want to be well into the park at sunrise when it starts to snow. There is a field I love to see sunrise from and can not wait to see it with snow. There are usually a half dozen deer in the field as the sun rises.
Rachel when I compare the first couple pages of this thread to what you write now the change is immense. And so inspiring to others. You are literally looking forward to tomorrow because you are enjoying life.
Hi Kendra, I really enjoy being in the park alone with nature. I get such an increadable feeling of calm, my mind is quiet. I listen and look but try to not think. Having 60 pounds of lead helped to focus my breathing. When I do my morning 33 flights of stairs it is almost meditation. The same in the park. A very cool experience. I really enjoy it.
You are right, a few years ago I wanted to die and now I do not. I want to live and begin anew.
Rachel,
I know what you mean when you talk about being alone with nature. I love the peace and quiet to be had wandering in a forest listening to the sounds of nature around you.
Hi Lorie,
I love the little creek tributaries going to the large dreek. The sound are so calming.
37 hours and I will be in the hospital waiting for the operation.
Bring one one those running water CDs with you to help you stay calm and cool. We will be here rooting for you and waiting for news of how you are doing.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie, no woods today. I shoveled snow, vacummed, did laundry and played with my broccoli sprouts.
16 hours to go.
I hope I made the correct choice. I cancelled a glottoplasty with Dr. Haben for 12/20/2017 to go with Dr. Sataloff tomorrow. I found out about the Sataloff cricoidthyroid subluxation and wanted that proceedure. There have been no others I could ask about the proceedure. If my cricoid and thyroid cartledges are too calcified then I will have a glottoplasty. Dr. Sataloff does a 40 to 50% tie. He leaves about 1/3 of the mucosal membrain on the top portion of the web (he moves it out of the way).
The VFS is not something I must have like FFS and GCS. I wanted FUT hair transplants and I want the VFS but both are for socialization reasons and not life or death. Fitting in is important and I guess long term it can make for a better quality of life if it works but if it is not a good fit or if I have no vocal power or am hoarse then my quality of life will not be as I envisioned or hoped. It is not like I can pass so why am I doing this? What is driving my desire to conform to a standard I can not obtain?
Rachel, I hope the procedure and the consults go well and that you are able to get everything you wanted from your VFS. It's all about weighting what we want and need in the end. It's true that originally it wasn't a need for you however somewhere along the line for your own comfort and quality of life it became a need. There is nothing wrong with that all. I think we tend to think that certain procedures like SRS are where our transitions or journeys end, however the fact is that isn't where they end because we are always changing, learning and growing post SRS until we are comfortable with where we are at with everything. Life is a journey and it takes many twists and turns and this is just the next one for you. I have different reasons for not going after a procedure like that and one of the bigger ones is that I could lose far more than I would gain from that kind of procedure. Anyways, best of luck with the VFS and I hope all goes well. Hugs
Mariah
Hi Mariah, thank you for the support.
Somewhere along the way in my transition voice became something that became very important. I have been going to a speach pathologist sinve March and it has helped. I had been using something from Cathy Perez prior to that and still in my car each day. I focus on her 12 drills. Anyhow, hearing what is possible from people my age has me wanting to have the best female voice I can.
If I was to put words to the feeling it would be prior to transitioning voice was something I practiced in my car. Then I started transitioning. I then practiced with a purpose to use the voice. Now, I see myself as female and want to sound female. I am federally, state, locally and socially recognized as female. So I want to sound female too. I guess it is important to me but I just have been scared to take chance with having a worse sounding voice. Eyes wide open.
Ok, so after I recoupe from the VFS I will schedule a cut and color with Richard, a friend at work. He work 3 days a week where I work and provided hair cuts for patients and he works in a salon 3 days a week. I am excited. I am going for dirty blond on the light side. Cut, I will leave that to him. I have curley hair.
I wanted to go to india in the summer but the vaginal rework is going to postpone that. I think I will need time to heal. It sounds like it may be a bit like the original GCS. I may get some labia tattooing this summer at Papillion. I also will be doing some 4 hour electrolysis sessions for my mouth and lip area under local numbing there too. I may look for a place to live in Upper Black Eddie which is north of New Hope on River Road.
There is nothing wrong with voice surgery. That was what drew me to this site in the first place. I realized my voice wasn't working and the surgery had evolved to the point where it was possible to do something about it. For many years, speech therapy was our only option and for some like me, there was a limit to what could be accomplished. Therapy should be the first option but if therapy isn't enough, surgery is a reasonable option. I hope it accomplishes what you are after.
Hello Dena, thank you. I hope tomorrow goes well. I read alot of others experiances, the good, bad and ugly and it is a bit of a gamble. In less than 12 hours it will be surgery time.
Wishing you all the good luck you can get. We'll will be here waiting to hear how it went.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thank you Laurie. I will post tomorrow.
Good luck Rachel! Seems like one or the other of us is having surgery this year. lol
Moni
Hi Monica, thank you. The surgery thing is getting a bit annoying. Just when I am getting in the exercise groove I need to abstain.
I hope all is well and your nose heals as you hope. You deserve a break after all the trouble you had with your ffs. I had considered going to her for some fat removal (some external laser devise) but would never consider her after your ordeal.
I am in the same day waiting room waiting to be braught back. I keep thinking I have no lines or teases in my neck. Oh well , maybe the silicone scar material will help.
Big hug! Good luck today, sweetie! :-*
Hugs, Devlyn
Thank you Devlyn, I am out of PACU in a be step down. The Sataloff cricothyroid subduction worked. Unless I break the sutures it will be a successful operation. Now, I find out what I sound like in a week.
Glad to read you are out and in the recovery room ((Hugs)) Let us konow what you can when you are able to.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thanks Laurie,
The no talking thing is tough. A nurse opened the curtain and asked me a question and I said a word.
LOL Rachel,
I'm guessing you've always had difficulties doing as you were told. I've had more than one teacher use tape in order to keep my mouth shut. Is that going to be necessary for you to follow doctor's orders too? I have also met the principle's wooden paddle before but we won't go any further with that.
Behave yourself girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I had the procedure and am home with antibiotic and some oxi. O was going to not take the oxi but it started to hurt a bit and I know I have a 3 day oxi window so why not.
I see Dr. Sataloff tomorrow at 7:30. I have a drain to be removed. Then I am seen at his office next Monday. I need to be silent until then.
I most likely will not go to work tomorrow. I am getting a headache, It may be from the fentanyl.
I was awake during the procedure and had to do the e sound several times. I had the O2 cannula in my mouth so it was uncomfortable.
my cricoid and thyroid cartridges were not calcified and were in good condition to use for the operation.
I had an incision from my trachea shave and it was pretty clean. Without the modern treatment, it left a fine line that could easily be covered with a little makeup. After it healed, it's still visible if you know what you are looking at but nobody notices it. I have pointed it out to a few people over the years and they were surprised that it was there.
I only slipped and spoke once after voice surgery. The trick was as I live by my self, I practiced the week before surgery so I knew how to avoid speaking, coughing and all the other things you aren't supposed to do. I even found I had to avoid chocolate because it produce far to much mucus.
So Rachel, the doctor was able to do the surgery that you were hoping for? That's great!. Now hush up and get some rest now that we know you are doing okay.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Rachel,
One word of wisdom for you, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Moni
:) >:-) :)
Quote from: Rachel on December 11, 2017, 03:12:52 PM
> my cricoid and thyroid cartridges were not calcified and were in good condition to use for the operation.
That's excellent news!
Waiting to hear and develop your new voice doesn't sound easy - having to wait. But so glad your operation went without complications.
Hi Dena, thanks for the support. They took the bandages off today and the line is nowhere what I imagined. I think it will heal ok. It is over the cricoid and thyroid area so I am not too happy about that but as you said I think it will heal very well.
Last night I took an oxi pill and immediately got an acid stomach and threw up. I threw up 3 more times until nothing was left. oxi and I do not mix well. It could have been the anesthesia.
Hi Laurie, thank you for the support. I hope the surgery turns out to be what I wanted. I have no reference and being able to speak (low tone and vocal power) and being able to swallow and cough (low power) if I need to has me wondering for it is like the Hotel California song, this can be heaven or this can be hell.
Hi Kendra, thank you for your support. The doctor told me that for the next 6 weeks while the cricoid and thyroid cartilages fuse I need to speak low and with no vocal power. I have my fingers crossed.
Hi Monica, thanks for the support. I was told today I can talk in a low tone with low power. Dr. Sataloff had me do the E sound from high to low. About 1/2 of the way no sound came out. My lower registry is gone. What I have left is my upper registry unaffected.
-------------------------------
I do not know what the pre-admission testing or the operation and follow-up will cost. It is covered under insurance and I went to in-network providers. I am about out of co-pay dollars so it may end up costing very little.
I have questions.
If this surgery locked out the lower registry ( as I have been told) how does that compare to the CTA and glottoplasty?
The doctor said I am now a soprano and have my original voice unchanged (the part remaining). When you had glottoplasty or a CTA was you lower registry gone? Mine is gone below a point.
Did you use a higher pitch than normal to compensate for no lower voice? As time goes by I will learn how this procedure worked out.
==============
I was awake for the operation and had to voice the e-sound at a point. I heard them talking (three doctors, one was there just to watch). I heard them say the cartledges are flexible and they were able to get the thyroid cartledge 100% under the cricoid cartledge. I had a green cloth cover over my face during the operation. When I felt pain I voiced it and they injected me with something. There was two points where I was told to not swallow. The two cartledges are stitched together. One behind the other.
It sounds good so far Rachel now hush and heal lest they break out the duct tape.
Hugs,
Laurie
Unfortunately I don't know as much about CTA as I would like to. I suspect what CTA does is lock you into the head voice so it's not possible to drop into the chest voice any longer. This results in a reduced range so the ability to sing is limited by the reduced range. I would have agreed to CTA had it been needed but my preference was to not have CTA because of the range restrictions. As it turned out, I went from about half an active of range to nearly two octaves of range with my surgery. I had the understanding this wouldn't be the case so I was very surprised when I found I could comfortably hit 500HZ or better and still drop to 130 HZ in my chest voice.
Quote from: Dena on December 12, 2017, 04:24:09 PM
Unfortunately I don't know as much about CTA as I would like to. I suspect what CTA does is lock you into the head voice so it's not possible to drop into the chest voice any longer. This results in a reduced range so the ability to sing is limited by the reduced range. I would have agreed to CTA had it been needed but my preference was to not have CTA because of the range restrictions. As it turned out, I went from about half an active of range to nearly two octaves of range with my surgery. I had the understanding this wouldn't be the case so I was very surprised when I found I could comfortably hit 500HZ or better and still drop to 130 HZ in my chest voice.
That's awesome. The day may never come for me, however, as a singer it's nice to know there's a chance for this outcome.
Faith, I would love to be able to sing. Perhaps VFS is in your future. I know at a point any body alignment seamed impossible. Somehow things that must happen will happen.
Laurie, I need to keep my big mouth shut. I went to work today and talked too much (low with no power but too much). I had an inquisition I had to go to. Tomorrow I will be good. I share office space with about a dozen Nurse Practitioners and I had to answer some questions and explain the different VFS procedures. Then take advise and smile.
Dena, thanks, I have to admit with all my reading about the different procedures and the people that perform them I still have more questions than answers. One thing Dr. Sataloff told me is if I want a higher pitch he would do a glottoplasty. He warned that the pitch would be to high for my age. He also said that a year later the vocal folds would stretch and my pitch would lower to a more correct level. He does a 40 to 50% tie and leaves the top 1/3 of the mucosal layer pushed out of the way of the tie. I am still confused about VFS. I need to be patient and see how my voice sounds in a month or two.
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The bill for Dr. Sataloff came to Aetna today and it was $2,750 of which $88 is my cost. The hospital bill has not come in yet.
Lower Bucks resent the invoice for the $11,000 plus for the outpatient BA my cost. I had that removed last month. They took Aetna's settlement of $8,900 of which I paid 10% and was refunded $310 from my $1,200 payment at admission. I will call them again and settle it again.
There are serious issues with Hospital fees and insurance payments in the USA. Dr. McGinn's cost for a BA is a package including OR and anesthesia, implants and her cost for less that Aetna paid for the OR time. The reason I had to do the BA separate from the GCS was due to an issue during GCS. The OR time should have cost about $2,000. Lower Bucks is no longer in-network with Aetna ( I do not blame them. Lower Bucks charged $90,000 (settled for half) for ICU costs during my GCS stay for 1 day). So my GCS revision in April would have been 10% co-pay and now will be 20% co-pay. I should be out of deductible so it either will be $0 or 10%; time will tell. I know I am very lucky, rant off.
Rachel,
Don't make me bring my roll of duct tape out. Behave girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
Keep a pad of paper and a pen or two with you at all times. I went to the drug store and bought a few 5x7 binders and other than about 5 words I uttered by mistake, all my words are recorded on paper. I have heard of others who texted but there are text to voice apps for cellphones that would also work.
Thanks Laurie and Dena.
I had to go to work this morning ( I wore fitted jeans and a fitted top and one of the guys said I looked good) and then I went to the park and walked 7.5 miles with a 20 pound pack. The trails were 70% clear of snow. I left my 40 pound pack home. I had to pee and went to the woman's bathroom in the park, which as very clean. Tomorrow I will bring both packs.
I came home and harvested my broccoli sprouts, heat treated and froze them.
My ex-wife and daughter came home and my ex had the TV information of the TV she wants for Christmas. She texted the info to me. Next she asked what I want. I sent her a link to 20 pound ankle weights and a North Face woman's coat. She had no issue ordering both items. She ordered me a woman's coat. She said she would never order me any woman's cloths or a woman's coat or jacket several years ago. Progress!
My daughter was not the least bit upset when she found out about my VFS. Progress!
When I first speak in the day my voice is awesome, clear, crisp and high pitch. Then it gets hoarse. My throat and vocal area is sore all the time. Like the doc said it will take 6 weeks for my throat to heal. My throat area is swollen still and cold water feels very good.
I was to be off Monday but my boss scheduled a meeting I need to be at. I have a 10:30 Dr's appointment across town and will need to be there. I want to ask the doctor about the swelling, soreness and make sure everything is ok. I took some pain med with me to work but did not take it. I was going to go to Social Security Monday morning but I will need to postpone that. Apparently my name was not changed at Social Security.
January 22, 2018 I see Dr. McGinn for a consult on my brows. During the April GCS revision if the Doctor agrees I would like to get a brow lift. I will get her thoughts. I am going to do my best to go modified kito (lots of veggies and salad along with fat and protein) and lose 30 pounds.
Quote from: Rachel on January 11, 2013, 10:02:26 PM
I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.
One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).
What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.
In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.
I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?
I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.
My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).
I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.
I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.
I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.
I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.
From 2013? Dont hate yourself for the pain you inflicted on yourself, let past be past, and tell everyone about your gender as female, and never give up (not good advices, but the best i can give).
Hi Jessica, I think it is very good advise. My therapist asks me from time to time when will I forgive myself. I replay what I should have done and the results of not doing it. I would have had a very different life perhaps it would not have been good. I do know. I am lucky to be alive and healthy and somewhat happy.
I
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I am in the process of making my FFS appeal level 2. I will most likely not succeed and will contemplate a level 3 appeal if not at least partially successful. In my mind I win when I file because I am making a statement I am trans and my ffs was medically necessary. Also, here are the people that state so and recommended organizations that say it can be medically necessary.
Another arguement is that I need vaginal surgery in April that is extensive and if the vocal work I just had is not enough I will have another proceedure of which both are covered under insurance so I may not want to rock the boat. Plus I am getting tired of electrolysis and may request e3000 be covered of which it takes several treatments. So, my electrolysis so far has cost about $30,000 of which $18,000 was covered by insurance.
On a positive note i am pretty happy. I no longer have suicidal ideation and my GD is gone. I want to go back to school and learn something different. I think I will call this week to see what the process is.
I have been recording my voice each morning this week. I am at about 185 HZ without raising my pitch. I feel some vibration in my nose area without projecting. If I raise my pitch just slightly I get good head resonance and 230 HZ. I still am swollen and need a few more weeks to heal. My throat is just the slightest bit sore when I swallow. Swallowing still feels odd and like there is something there. I can see movement on the outside when I swallow.
My timber is lighter, pitch higher and there is some vibration in my nose area. After the 1st week I was skeptical. The last 4 days has seen some nice improvement. I hope there is more improvement. If my voice was to arrest now I would be very disappointed. One thing that is not expected is that when I speak and do not rush, my voice is much clearer.
I am locked out of my lower registry. I could go below 185 HZ but not much below. I do not want to test the low for fear of damage. Also, I do not want to test the high for fear of damaging my voice.
So far pretty good.
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I spoke to my therapist tonight. I discussed that for my long term mental health I need to do something productive with the rest of my life. I will call a school tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment with the dean of the school to discuss the potential of a part time study option.
Part of my decision process was that the probability of finding someone to share life with is low. I do not want to move into most neighborhoods in Philly with the exception of 5th and Bainbridge area. This is due to cost, parking and crime. I do not want to be lonely and sit and mold. So, why not learn and potentially start another career. It will take me 6 or so years but I am fine with that. The fact is that I am really like the people I work with and believe in our mission. It would be nice to branch out and work in another department eventually.
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I will work on my FFS level 2 appeal. I have an outline and I will make the draft. So this weekend I want to get he draft done.
Just need to take a breath and slow up and just relax it is not the end of the world. I was in the same boat, but after i accepted who i was and decided to come out i went and seen a therapist talked felt a little relaxed cleared my mind, i told my wife and included her in my sessions, then i told my daughters and they was cool and supported me 110% . Well i then set goals an stayed focus on where i wanted tto go i accepted that i would lose friends an so be it its going to happen. But thats fine my true friends stayed and backed me up, then i told my doctor she was cool with it and honestly excited i came out. Well she refered me to a hrt doctor she said i was the second patient of hers thats transgender. So i went and seen the hrt last monday and got hormones, done talk to a lawyer about name change and docs changed, also have check in on hair removal in jan,
The point is dont panic just stop clear your mind set some goals be focus and be honest with yourself and others, but my goals and your goals and other people all have different goals but the point is find your goals and set them. There is a lot of support on this fourm, you are not alone.
Don't judge your final voice yet. As the swelling goes down, your cords may become less massive and your pitch may go up. I have seen the final voice in as little as 6 weeks and as much as a year. It just depends on how quickly you body deals with the swelling. Unfortunately my body takes it own good time about it so I have to be patience.
It sounds like progress on all fronts Rachel. Now hush. I like your going back to study for a new start and not hurrying it. It just might work. As for companionship well you're not old like me yet so there is still hope. Don't give up on that either.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hello and thank you Inenodok, That is good advise, to set new goals and work to achieve them. New years I think I have 3 goals:
Lose 30 pounds (go modified keto), Jan 1.
Start going to places I like to go to (museums, institutes, parks and ranges). If I meet someone all the better.
Cut and color my hair in April, modified blond :)
Investigate some sort of schooling in an area that I am interested in.
Dena, thanks for your support. My voice continues to improve and the pain is gone. My incision has some minor scabbing that still needs to fall off. I think after that I will get some silicone scar material to reduce the scar. I really do not like the thought of a scar there but in order to have the operation I had no choice.
I am locked out of the old lower voice. I definitely notice a change and the first two weeks my voice got horse when I used. It still gets horse when I speak after a while but there is no pain. I have been told that my pitch is a bit higher and that there is something else different. My voice is lighter. I think in 4 or so weeks it will be close to how it will be from the operation. I can not raise my pitch or use vocal power for 4 more weeks. I need to schedule voice therapy at Dr. Sataloff's office. Perhaps I will go back to Renee Blaker for voice therapy. If I am not satisfied I will go back for a glottoplasty. I have been recording my voice every day or so. In the morning my pitch is higher then as I use it it may have a slight crack and be a little lower in pitch. When I speak, to me, I do not recognize my voice, it sounds very different. When I hear my voice it sounds different.
Hi Laurie, I think you nailed it. It is about companionship. I have a trans friend at work and his wife offered to take me out to bars where there is a good probability of meeting someone. I have hesitation in meeting someone. One thing is STD's the other is meeting a person that is not nice. You only find out after a while. I guess you can only find out if you put yourself out there. Then there are all the insecurities of being trans and still in transition. My hair is getting better but still needs time for round 2 grafts to grow. I feel awkward and not particularly attractive. My confidence is something I am working on too.
Rachel as far as STDs just make sure you both get tested before doing anything and use protection. I got tested when I went for hrt the first time and haven't been sexually active since. It was nice to start with a clean slate [emoji4]
I do understand it's very scary but there's ways to stay safe.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Hi Dist123, I am clean too. I was tested for PrEP and can get it when I have a need :) . I keep protection in my purse and well as individual lube packets. Ya got to be prepared.
I sent my level 2 appeal for FFS to Aetna tonight. I do not expect to get approved or see any money from this action. I will go to a level 3 appeal.
The Hahnemann Hospital invoice went to Aetna and it was a bit more than $72,000. I wonder what the settlement will be? The hospital is in network so I bet it is for less than $7,000.
I am still a bit hoarse and have 4 more weeks till I see the doctor. My pitch is 180 to 195 without raising the pitch. I tried to raise my pitch just a bit Yesterday and today. I hit the vocal rest then go to 210 to 220 just over the rest. Prior to the surgery I was able to pass the vocal rest pretty seamlessly but now there is a distinct rest. I record my voice each day and will review the days to see if there is a trend.
Don't you strain that expensive voice girl. You are making progress that's the part that counts now take it easy. Hoping you win your appeals.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thank you Laurie, I will give it three weeks. I see Dr. Sataloff 1/24/2017. If I am still at the 185 to 195 Hz range I will seriously contemplate a glottoplasty. My voice is at the low threshold of female. Perhaps I will wait a little bit and put a recording on Vocarro and get feedback. I need to go quickly as I have some GCS related work in April I will need to get done. I will need to see if my insurance will cover it.
My in-network deductible has been meet. So my operation for voice should be 100% paid by insurance. Also, my electrolysis is now 100% paid for and well as voice pathology. This is till July 1 which is the next fiscal year. So I may be scheduling some 3 hour weekend electrolysis sessions.
I really want to be able to talk, walk and swim this summer at Rahoboth beach Delaware ( I want to go to poodle and bear beach). I want to go to a bed and breakfast a few times this summer. I need to be able to swim in August which will give me 3 months to heal. Worse case I will go in up to my knees :( .
2018 objectives:
Get voice correct and brows repositioned
GCS revisions
lose 30 pounds
cut and color hair
get third and final hair grafts, 400 to brows 700 to head
get jaw line fat removed
get rid of nasal fold lines
one day a week get out and do something new to meet people (museum, lunch, hiking through group activities)
Find a person to start a new chapter of my life
Get to the beach to start a new tradition in a new place
I was on the phone with a female friend at work. I had not spoke with her for a week and that was at lunch. Anyhow when I called her she said my voice was very different. I asked her how and she said it is higher pitch but different in that it sounded different too. I asked if it sounded more female and she said definitely. She may just be saying that to be nice.
I record my voice every work day morning. I went to today and before my VFS. I noticed a distinct difference in the timbre. My voice sounds more focused. The pitch is a little hirer now without raising the pitch than it was pre vfs with raising my pitch.
On the way home I did a little pitch elevation and stopped when there was a minor bit of discomfort. I may do that a little bit each day when driving home from work.
Snow, so my therapist, electrolysis (done with a trans woman that is a friend) and group was cancelled.
I have been having an issue with sleeping the past two weeks. I wake up 2 or 3 hours after falling asleep and can not get back to sleep. It is starting to drag me down. I think my ex having settlement on 1/15 is on my mind. I soon will be by myself for the first time in my life.
Part of what I am feeling is that I feel others see me as unacceptable as a partner to live with. I feel that I will be alone the rest of my life.
I am thinking of stop seeing my therapist. I do not see how there is any way this will change and I need to accept who I am and just smile and gent through each day. I will see how a few more months will go. Maybe see her every other week. I have been hiding from her how I feel deep inside. I need to level with her and get it out. Who will ever want to be with me? What is my purpose? What reason do I have to continue?
Part of me wants to stop any further procedures. I have a GCS revision 4/4 and I just do not know how my vaginal canal will be effected long term. My urethra being moved scares me. I can pee very well now and do not want to lose that. Having a lot of skin cut loose and reconfigured is going to be very painful.
I have been conversing with Dr. Telang for a fall visit for cosmetic work, vaso lipo in the saddle bags, tummy and jowls. I am also interested in a brow lift if Dr. McGinn will not do that with the GCS rework. I am at the point of scheduling and going about visa work. I guess I need shots too. Do I really need to do this if no one will find me attractive.
My voice is progressing slowly. I may go about scheduling a speech pathology session next week. The timbre is better, more narrow. My pitch is 185 to 195 in the morning and 190 to 200 in the afternoon. I started two types of light vocal practice each day to and from work for a few minutes. Odd how voice sounds so different between a recording and how I hear my voice when I speak.
I will be 3F Saturday morning and 0F Sunday morning. I will try to hike in the park from 630 to 9. I bet I will not see anyone. I want to see if I can make it to the top of Dairy Barn Hill.
Quote from: Rachel on January 04, 2018, 06:05:10 PM
I have been having an issue with sleeping the past two weeks. I wake up 2 or 3 hours after falling asleep and can not get back to sleep. It is starting to drag me down. I think my ex having settlement on 1/15 is on my mind. I soon will be by myself for the first time in my life.
You sound like me a month or so ago so I'll tell you what my psyche nurse had me do. Melatonin to help get to sleep and benadryl to help stay asleep. Both are OTC so I can say I take the recommended doses for an adult - 1 melatonin and 1-2 benadryl. Sorry about the ex that is hard on a person.
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Part of what I am feeling is that I feel others see me as unacceptable as a partner to live with. I feel that I will be alone the rest of my life.
This line is not necessarily true at all. Give yourself a break girl. It is likely for me but I old and cranky. You leave that unacceptable and unworthy to me. You hear? I got plenty of experience with those.
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I am thinking of stop seeing my therapist. I do not see how there is any way this will change and I need to accept who I am and just smile and get through each day. I will see how a few more months will go. Maybe see her every other week. I have been hiding from her how I feel deep inside. I need to level with her and get it out. Who will ever want to be with me? What is my purpose? What reason do I have to continue?
Don't you dare stop seeing your therapist.. no with the way you are talking. You can cut it down a little but you get you butt in to see her and start being open and honest with her. How the hell is she to help you if you withhold the information she needs to help you? And there you go sounding like me again with that dumb last line. Sounds like you need these antidepressant pills as much as I do. Noe you just stop it!.
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Part of me wants to stop any further procedures.
Okay. Well, you just tell that part of you to take a hike and get out of your head. That's enough of that nonsense.
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I have a GCS revision 4/4 and I just do not know how my vaginal canal will be effected long term. My urethra being moved scares me. I can pee very well now and do not want to lose that. Having a lot of skin cut loose and reconfigured is going to be very painful.
I have been conversing with Dr. Telang for a fall visit for cosmetic work, vaso lipo in the saddle bags, tummy and jowls. I am also interested in a brow lift if Dr. McGinn will not do that with the GCS rework. I am at the point of scheduling and going about visa work. I guess I need shots too. Do I really need to do this if no one will find me attractive.
My voice is progressing slowly. I may go about scheduling a speech pathology session next week. The timbre is better, more narrow. My pitch is 185 to 195 in the morning and 190 to 200 in the afternoon. I started two types of light vocal practice each day to and from work for a few minutes. Odd how voice sounds so different between a recording and how I hear my voice when I speak.
I will be 3F Saturday morning and 0F Sunday morning. I will try to hike in the park from 630 to 9. I bet I will not see anyone. I want to see if I can make it to the top of Dairy Barn Hill.
Okay Rachel, The rest of your post is fine. In fact it good, very good. You just keep marching forward with your plans as you have laid them out. Have your surgery and become more of the woman we all see inside of you. It is time to let her out some more. The voice is doing good. you are in good shape. you just need to get your head back out of that smelly dark place and held up high into the light.
Don't make me SLAP you or hunt you down.
Hugs,
Laurie
Rachel, take it from me, she will hunt you down. (You saw me in my hospital bed right?) I hope you will not remove supports during this time of transition. No not 'that transition' but this period of starting to live by yourself. It will be an adjustment and you need to avoid isolation. You also need to stay positive my friend. Thoughts like 'I will never be able to..." are not positive and can result in a self fulfilling prophecy. Don't get in that mind set. During this change in living arrangement, stay busy, challenge yourself to try something new. Focus some on thoughts of a possible date/relationship but don't obsess on it. Don't shut yourself off but don't let it drive you crazy either. Okay, lecture over. Well, til Laurie gets to you again anyway.
Moni
It is a huge adjustment for you I think you're allowed to feel sad about it. You're going to need time and clarity will come. Just not as soon as we'd like- I know from some experience.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Hi Laurie, thank you for your support. Truth be known, I have a huge self image issue, trans aside. Trans adds a dimension to my feelings in inadequacy. I have many reasons to feel unlovable or damaged, trans aside. It is how I feel about myself and I need to work on addressing me. I have OCD ( I drive people that work for me crazy), lets say slow and in the driveway is heard every day at work, I have some physical uniqueness and learning deficits.
I will continue seeing my therapists. After my ex moves out I want to schedule every other week. I need to address my insecurities. I accept I am trans and think I am doing well on my progress. I still have some voice recovery and evaluation if I dare go for a glottoplasty. I have GCS2 in April and hope to have once and for all "normal" genitals for once in my life. Then I will most likely go to India for purely cosmetic jaw fat, tummy and saddle bag fat and nasal fold fat removal and/or correction. I may do hair transplant V3. Then I am done done. Well, I may have my one tattoo removed. It is very old and spread a bit (my stripper tat).
Hi Monica, I have found what I want to do to increase my skills and increase my value in the job market, just incase. Also have a person that will sponsor me for the apprenticeship. I can earn extra money in my spare time if I want and have a fall back career that pays very well. They also will hire me if something happens to my FT position, which I do not expect. This opportunity is a certifier and with my PE it is of value, trans not an issue.
Hi Allison, thank you for your support. I agree, time will help me to find perspective when my current routines fade and new routines and new friendships develop. I have several people that want me to go shopping with them and a lesbian woman that has just about hit me over the head wanting to date. She is female and I really want to be with a guy but friendship would be cool. One really nice gay guy at work is a member with the Philly Art museum and goes there with a group of guys for outings with wine tastings and finger foods. He wants me to go with so I can get exposure and do the friend of a friend of a friend thing for me to find a nice guy.
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Aetna settled with Hahnemann Hospital for my vocal subluxation procedure. They paid the hospital $64,000. I am appalled. The Surgeon was paid $2,700. So If I want a glottoplasty (not likely but maybe) I have a feeling they will charge that amount again. There is something definitely wrong with the system.
I did 1 hour of thermolysis hair removal She is super nice and 3 blocks away :) She covered 5 or 6 times more hair than blend. I am going back next week.
I dreamed about my brother last night. First time in a while. Then I dreamed about my ex. Next I dreamed about hiking in the park. Not a whole lot of sleep but I understand why they are on my mind. The park because I love it, the quiet, nature and silence. My ex because she is leaving. My brother because of the past. Did I mention I love the park:)
Hi Rachel,
Hmmmm lets see, "Truth be known, I have a huge self image issue, trans aside. Trans adds a dimension to my feelings in inadequacy. I have many reasons to feel unlovable or damaged, trans aside. It is how I feel about myself " Did you copy that from some of my posts. I swear I said those thing somewhere. Possibly several times. If you throw in some more self deprecating terms I'll know it's plagiarism.
Those are horrible things to feel Rachel, yes I do know how they feel. You are right you need to work on that self image. lol You don't want to wind up like me now do you? Okay then, you best get ta busy and change those feeling by doing something about them. I'll be here watching to see that you do.
Hugs,
Laurie
TRIGGER ALERT also.
Oh my gosh, the two amazing people who came to visit me in the hospital when I was needing support are talking like this. It makes me hurt and makes me cry that you are feeling this way. Please, I don't know what to say to make any difference to you both but I want you to know that you are important. You do have purposes. Don't give up figuring this out. Talk to therapists, take meds for depression, whatever you have to do, but know you are important to others. My heart is hurting. I love you.
Moni
Rachel, I bet the settlement date three days from now with your ex may be causing some stress or at least background noise. Any change can be difficult, even if it's a very positive and necessary change.
You have earned an amazing list of accomplishments after many difficult years.
Hi Monica and Kendra, I am fine. I took the post down. I do not want to alarm anyone. Sorry to cause discomfort. Yes my ex moving out had stirred up some feelings.
Quote from: HappyMoni on January 12, 2018, 07:35:06 PM
TRIGGER ALERT also.
Oh my gosh, the two amazing people who came to visit me in the hospital when I was needing support are talking like this. It makes me hurt and makes me cry that you are feeling this way. Please, I don't know what to say to make any difference to you both but I want you to know that you are important. You do have purposes. Don't give up figuring this out. Talk to therapists, take meds for depression, whatever you have to do, but know you are important to others. My heart is hurting. I love you.
Moni
Hi Monica,
I am sorry that my post was a source of hurt to you. You know that I don't want to do that to you. I would take away that hurt if I could but I cannot take back the words. I wrote them to let Rachel know that she is not alone with those feelings. The part about not wanting to wind up like me was meant a little tongue in cheek yes, but it was also sincere. I'm afraid they have to stay.
Hugs,
Laurie
Rachel and Laurie,
I don't want to censor you or have you stop saying what is on your mind. I just want you keep fighting to get to a better place. I'm sorry, my pain or discomfort is not the issue here. I just want you two to know that you are loved and want you to not give in to the pain. All of us are able to tell others to keep positive. All of us have dealt with some degree of depression. We need to apply to ourselves what we would tell others. I expect us to meet up again at some point. I don't want to be stood up.
Moni
Hi Monica, understood and thanks for caring. I will see you hopefully for your annual checkup, lunch somewhere in New Hope or Lambertville.
Laurie, thanks or sharing. Depression has company :) It is really nice to have someone that has been there and knows how it feels. I realize it is feelings and I know it will pass.
When in the moment it helps to share what I am feeling; to get it out. By typing it out it helps me see my thoughts and think about what is bothering me. I stood on a bride at age 11 and have not offed myself. I am in a much better place than I have been all my life. I am not worried about doing anything; I still have the thoughts, not actions.
Kendra is right, it is about my ex making settlement and me being alone. That and having to face others and try to piece together some sort of life. Being out there and finding a guy (scares me). I have a lot of trans friends and if I wanted to just have sex I know where to go and when. I do not just want sex. I want someone to share things with and be apart of their life and have company. Oh well, I guess I need to experience the loss then I can appreciate finding something new.
I saved the post I deleted and if I get to a happy place I will post it with the current state, which will be happier.
On a positive note. I used my health insurance to get E. I had done that when I first started HRT and gat a bunch of negative feedback a few times so I got my HRT at Mazzoni out of pocket. I now pay $ 8.00 for 40 mg/ml 5 ml vile. Somewhere between when I first started and now I no longer get crap at CVS. I get addressed properly and no awkward conversations or holding up the HRT and saying loud,"do you know what this does to you, twice".
great, Rachel, you can get your E at CVS with no problem now at a reasonable pr
ice.
Quote from: Rachel on January 13, 2018, 04:33:24 PM
Hi Monica, understood and thanks for caring. I will see you hopefully for your annual checkup, lunch somewhere in New Hope or Lambertville.
Laurie, thanks or sharing. Depression has company :) It is really nice to have someone that has been there and knows how it feels. I realize it is feelings and I know it will pass.
When in the moment it helps to share what I am feeling; to get it out. By typing it out it helps me see my thoughts and think about what is bothering me. I stood on a bride at age 11 and have not offed myself. I am in a much better place than I have been all my life. I am not worried about doing anything; I still have the thoughts, not actions.
Kendra is right, it is about my ex making settlement and me being alone. That and having to face others and try to piece together some sort of life. Being out there and finding a guy (scares me). I have a lot of trans friends and if I wanted to just have sex I know where to go and when. I do not just want sex. I want someone to share things with and be apart of their life and have company. Oh well, I guess I need to experience the loss then I can appreciate finding something new.
I saved the post I deleted and if I get to a happy place I will post it with the current state, which will be happier.
On a positive note. I used my health insurance to get E. I had done that when I first started HRT and gat a bunch of negative feedback a few times so I got my HRT at Mazzoni out of pocket. I now pay $ 8.00 for 40 mg/ml 5 ml vile. Somewhere between when I first started and now I no longer get crap at CVS. I get addressed properly and no awkward conversations or holding up the HRT and saying loud,"do you know what this does to you, twice".
Earlier this month I obtained my first prescriptions at Walgreens and when the male clerk obtained the filled prescriptions there was a note to consult so he had to call the pharmacist over. She looked at me and holding the Spiro said you know this is for high blood pressure.... and then the Estrodiol and began to say something but changed it to do you know how to take this? I responded yes and that was it. Smart thinking pharmacist.
Quote from: Rachel on January 13, 2018, 04:33:24 PM
Hi Monica, understood and thanks for caring. I will see you hopefully for your annual checkup, lunch somewhere in New Hope or Lambertville.
Oh, it will be warm then. I never got to check out New Hope much when I was there. I will contact you and we can meet up. That would be wonderful.
Moni
Hi MM, yes it is awesome. I think it will save me more than $500 per year on the E. I also switched electric and natural gas suppliers which can save 5% per year and when my ex moves out this week I will just get Comcast internet for $39/ month, no TV or phone. I pay $56 per month for a work phone and I have Amazon Prime movies and Netflix. I purchased a 75 mile digital antenna and 1 gig modem/router for my TV and I have a wifi adapter. If I want more TV I can go sling or Hulu. I really do not watch TV.
Hi Cali, I want on about HRT 5 years ago and things change. also I am so much more confident. It that was to happen to me again I would be in such a better place to confront it. That pharmacist, not there any more, was very old and she probably was not confronted with a HRT patient before. I also look a lot different now than I did then.
Hi Monica, New Hope and across the bridge has some nice restaurants and some nice shops. Let me know when you see her and I will take off from work.
I have a 2 hour operation with Dr. McGinn April 4th. I see her 1/22 and I will ask about a skin or peritoneal graph. I fear I will lose diameter when she cuts out the scar tissue and than expanding will cause scar tissue. I have a ring and a swath about 0.5 to 0.75 inches about 3 inches long and a section inches across of scar tissue. Then creating the bottom of the vagina will liberate 3 or 4 inches of skin 180 degrees around the bottom of my vaginal canal. My urethra gets moved down too, so I will have a catheter.
I need to find out how long I will be out of work. I think it will be at least 2 or 3 weeks. I was lucky a good portion of the graph survived.
I am getting use to my wife and daughter moving out now. I only went to the park 1 time this weekend and it was fun. I slept in 2 days and that was great; I needed the sleep. Emotional pain and lack of sleep puts me in the edge. All is good right now.
Today my daughter and I went to a diner. This was the first time she was out in public with me. She wanted to go to Tiffany's abut 2 miles away rather than the one 1/2 mile up the road on street road. I think it is because she would have no chance of seeing anyone she knows where we went. :)
I went to the therapist today we discussed:
I went over voice; I think the issue is that I try to go low (170 to 190) as the natural frequency. The timbre (overtones) at that pitch is full and to me sounds tinny and raspy. Others say it sounds lighter and has less timbre than before.
I am up against the vocal rest and articulation is difficult. I never had an issue going through my vocal rest before but now I can not glide through it. I tried to talk just on the other side of the vocal rest and my pitch goes from 170- 190 to 230- 250. I can articulate just above the vocal rest and it is just below falsetto. I think it sounds ok. I made an appointment to work on my voice with my speech pathologist Wednesday. I think I have processed the change in my voice. I like the internal sound and crispness of my voice just above the vocal rest. I think I can make this work :) I think I like the internal sound of my voice at the higher pitch. I am soft spoken and never spoke loud. I need to ty to project a bit more. I am getting use to my new voice and the higher pitch. I think I like it, time will tell.
We discussed my ex making settlement and moving Saturday. My ex said she will do a slow move out over a month or so. Then she wants to keep some stuff here, what???? My daughter claimed my ex's bedroom. So much for that bed. I was going to move into there for a time. I wanted to take my bedroom apart. Paint and move everything out and put back just as I wanted. I also entertained asking a friend if she wanted to move is as a room mate. Oh well, we will see.
I went over my meeting questions on Monday with Dr. McGinn. I am having her review my brows for possible lift. I think it would open up my eyes and let more light in. Dr. McGinn will not do it if she does not think it will help. I went over two questions. One) how long will I be out of work for the 4/4/18 operation? Two) if she removes scar tissue will that reduce my vaginal canal diameter? When I dilate and increase the diameter will I split (happened before) and will I reform the scar tissue? Would a new graft be needed? Would she entertain peritoneal as a graph?
I have been doing better overall with accepting my ex moving out. The movers are here Saturday and I will be at work, no park :( Tuesday I took her new TV and sound bar and new lock and took it to her condo. I change the lock. On the way home I felt very sick. I am glad she was driving.
I reduced my restricted feeding schedule to 6 hours a day from 8 to 10 hours a day. I need to lose 30 pounds.
My wife and daughter had their stuff moved (most of their stuff) Saturday. I helped with some stuff today. Tonight will be their last day night sleeping at my place. We are all good friends and will be going to their place and they mine. I guess it is working out ok.
I walked in the park today with a 60 pound pack and plan to do so tomorrow morning. I Go to Papillion for a 1:30 exam tomorrow. Dr. McGinn is doing the revision at no cost and I am having my brows reviewed for a possible brow lift.
After my brows I need my buccal fat removed and mandible skin tightened and tummy and saddle bags fat removed.
Some positive stuff.
I really am liking my hair. I was almost bald on top and now it is really good. I like my curls too. The second grafts should be breaking ground the end of the month :)
Walking in the park 6 miles with my pack is like a happy drug. I do not know why but I love that park and how I feel walking there. I was there about 1 hour before dawn and sunrise was beautiful today. There was some ice but no slips today.
Voice,
I was fighting my voice. I no longer have a low registry. I was going to the lowest point of my voice and it to me sound very odd. I choose a slightly different point and a small bit higher and my voice is smooth and a bit higher pitch about 190 hz. My voice is directly in my nose and head area. If I move my pitch just a small bit I go to a falsetto type voice at 220 to 250 hz and articulation puts the Hz up to 300 or higher HZ.
I see Dr. McGinn Monday,
electrolysis Tuesday,
Voice pathologist Wednesday and Dr. Sataloff (voice surgeon) Wednesday. I may inquire about glottoplasty.
Thursday Therapist, and group . My Thursday electrolysis had GCS and is out for a while.
Quote from: Rachel on January 21, 2018, 05:36:25 PM
> My wife and daughter had their stuff moved (most of their stuff) Saturday. I helped with some stuff today. Tonight will be their last day night sleeping at my place. We are all good friends and will be going to their place and they mine. I guess it is working out ok.
Rachel this is a huge milestone and I am glad you can remain friends. When I first joined Susan's and read your entire thread, in earlier posts I couldn't have imagined this going so well. I know life isn't perfect and can be quite far from that at times, but you set a great example of achieving the best possible outcome under the circumstances - and continue reaching for more. Hard work and patience.
Hi Kendra, thank you for the support. My ex and daughter left with the cats this morning. I had a chance to say good by to them. That chapter of my life is closing.
I went to Social Security this morning and filed for my name and gender change. They will process it when the federal government openes back up. Odd little country we live in.
I stopped by Jarrids on the way home and picked up a set of diamond and silver hoop earrings. Hay, I had to to brighten the day.
I am in the waiting area at Pappion. The three seats are taken and I do not want them sit in the jump seat. Brows brows brows, we will see.
I was using a silicone scar strip on my neck and took it off because it is a bit red.
The slow motion train wreck was stopped. A little clean up and a new train comes out of the station. Next weeks goal is hair and art museum. I will drop 30 pounds 😀
My visit at Papillion,
Dr. McGinn no longer uses Lower Bucks Hospital. They considerably raised their prices and she now uses Barix Clinics. It is a surgery center with inpatient.
So Dr. McGinn examined my brows. The one brow is a little lower than the other. My face is not symmetrical as Dr. McGinn stated and than apologized for being so brunt. Anyhow, she said the only person that notices it is me. She said due to the type of minor correction needed and the possibility of overcorrecting she does not recommend surgery.
For the April surgery she recommended I take 2 weeks off from work. She said she will be using my surrounding skin for the graph. I asked if my vaginal canal diameter will be reduced and she said no and that the canal will have healthy donor skin to replace the scar tissue.
On the way home I stopped into Warrior piercing on Main Street New Hope. The woman that pierced my belly button was there. She pierced my nipples :) ouch.
Quote from: Rachel on January 22, 2018, 05:23:29 PM
My visit at Papillion,
Dr. McGinn no longer uses Lower Bucks Hospital. They considerably raised their prices and she now uses Barix Clinics. It is a surgery center with inpatient.
So Dr. McGinn examined my brows. The one brow is a little lower than the other. My face is not symmetrical as Dr. McGinn stated and than apologized for being so brunt. Anyhow, she said the only person that notices it is me. She said due to the type of minor correction needed and the possibility of overcorrecting she does not recommend surgery.
For the April surgery she recommended I take 2 weeks off from work. She said she will be using my surrounding skin for the graph. I asked if my vaginal canal diameter will be reduced and she said no and that the canal will have healthy donor skin to replace the scar tissue.
On the way home I stopped into Warrior piercing on Main Street New Hope. The woman that pierced my belly button was there. She pierced my nipples :) ouch.
Well,since my sinus preclude me from getting my nose pierced, the idea of belly button and nipples done sounds interesting though I think I'll wait for them to grow up a little :)
Hi Rachel,
Even though you wife and daughter moving out and are remaining one friendly terms I cannot help but feel this is a sad event. I am sorry that your relationship with them had to come to this point. I would and did take separation from my family hard. And it certainly was not on good terms. As I'm sure you have read in my own thread I am still trying to come to terms with it. So girlfriend I understand what I am sure is going on inside of you and my heart goes out to you. At least you will still be able to see and visit with them. Take heart in that. You are a strong woman and have come through a lot of heartache and pain. You're stronger than I am. I am not sure I would even be here now if it was not for the help of you and others here. We are here for you too Rachel. I'm glad to read the train wreck was averted.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Cassie, I waited 6 months after my BA to get my nipples pierced. You do not want to introduce an infection to a new implant. Good luck in your piercing journey and relax when pierced.
Hi Laurie, thank you so much for your understanding and support. Things could be much worse. I guess there is a price to pay for everything.
Quote from: Rachel on January 23, 2018, 06:09:33 PM
Hi Cassie, I waited 6 months after my BA to get my nipples pierced. You do not want to introduce an infection to a new implant. Good luck in your piercing journey and relax when pierced.
Hi Laurie, thank you so much for your understanding and support. Things could be much worse. I guess there is a price to pay for everything.
Rachel,
Glad the visit went well. Glad Dr. McGinn found a new place to use. Wonder where it is. As for this nipple piercing stuff, I guess I am the old fashioned one here. lol BA yes, piercing no!
Fortune cookie saying, "As one door closes, another door opens." Good advice for you two cookies, Rachel and Laurie!
Hi Monica, the new surgery place is by the oxford valley mall and Sesame Place.
Cookies, I am trying to lose weight, hold the cookies.
I think when I get into a routine things will get better. I am going to get several memberships to art and science places and the zoo in philly. They have monthly get togethers. I need to not step foot into a bar in the gayborhood.
I am on the Pride exec committee, safety committee, infection prevention and control committee, artificial placenta advisory board and water intrusion committee at work. I volunteer at Mazzoni and at Pride events so I have contacts and exposure but not the right environment to find someone.
I need the acknowledge doing something socially is a bit intimadating and awkward. Acknowledging it is the first step to owning it.
Pierced nipples look so good , just saying.
Quote from: Rachel on January 23, 2018, 08:08:17 PM
Hi Monica, the new surgery place is by the oxford valley mall and Sesame Place.
Cookies, I am trying to lose weight, hold the cookies.
I think when I get into a routine things will get better. I am going to get several memberships to art and science places and the zoo in philly. They have monthly get togethers. I need to not step foot into a bar in the gayborhood.
I am on the Pride exec committee, safety committee, infection prevention and control committee, artificial placenta advisory board and water intrusion committee at work. I volunteer at Mazzoni and at Pride events so I have contacts and exposure but not the right environment to find someone.
I need the acknowledge doing something socially is a bit intimadating and awkward. Acknowledging it is the first step to owning it.
Pierced nipples look so good , just saying.
Stop teasing me!!!!!
"PIERCED NIPPLES LOOK SO GOOD".....................
Rachel,
I am picturing the door knockers from Young Frankenstein when you mention pierced nipples. Can you say, "Frave blooker?" (Horses neighing in background)
Sounds like you are being smart. The more you are involved in, the more you will relax, the more you relax, the better your chance of finding someone. Keep the faith.
Hi Cassie and Monica, the piercings are petite and very pretty, not door nockers. When I had my BA my nipples became more sensitive. When I pierced them the nipples have become more sensative. I am still glad I did it :)
I had to work today and tomorrow I will go to the park and have dinner with my daughter and ex wife.
I need to call Comcast tomorrow and get an internet account.
Next week I will schedule an appointment to get my hair colored, thinking blond.
So, how does one go about finding a man that is a friend and lover?
Quote from: Rachel on January 27, 2018, 07:39:40 PM
Hi Cassie and Monica, the piercings are petite and very pretty, not door nockers. When I had my BA my nipples became more sensitive. When I pierced them the nipples have become more sensative. I am still glad I did it :)
I had to work today and tomorrow I will go to the park and have dinner with my daughter and ex wife.
I need to call Comcast tomorrow and get an internet account.
Next week I will schedule an appointment to get my hair colored, thinking blond.
So, how does one go about finding a man that is a friend and lover?
I don't know how to find a man that is a friend & lover, I'm a lesbian :)
Therapy.
My true female side came out earlier this month and I haven't been the same since. I can't go an hour without online shopping for womens clothes and do research. I've always had a reverence for women. Its only weeks ago that I realized while I've had happy times as a man and I'm generally a happy person, and listening to other ladies that I don't think, I know I'd be happier as a woman. There is so much I loathe about being male. It will however most likely be 2-3 years before I present as a woman fully. I want at least a full year hrt to soften my man suit, lose fat and a bunch of muscle and top surgery. To be honest, I can't wait for SRS. I KNOW not being part of male culture will feel right for me. Let's do this! lol.
That being said, I want to see a therapist. The mind is a powerful thing. It can you lead you to a course of action that could harm you. Best to find a therapist you connect with and trust and get an outside perspective. My appointment is coming up ;))
I know I can't say for certainty but I really don't think that I'll miss my boy parts. SO long as I can orgasm, I'm good!
--Sasha
Hi Cassie, where do you find a companion?
Hi Sasha,
Congratulation on coming to the point of transition. In order to get GCS you need to be a year full time living in female cloths, HRT, change you name on your work ID and go to a therapist so a letter (s) can be written recommending you for GCS. I had been going to therapy for 2.5 years ( I was trying to save my marriage) before I decided to get FFS and GCS with BA.
What I thought was impossible turned out to be a long series of obstacles that needed to be breached one at a time. When I reached a milestone I looked back and went over all I had accomplished to that point.
Now I am me and still on a journey with the end in sight. Looking back, I can now say I do not look at being a female as the goal. I am female and the goal was to be me. It took me longer than most but I can also say that for me dysphoria was 100% cured. I also have had a marked reduction in suicidal ideation. Although still there sometimes it is significantly less intense and not prolonged.
Good luck in your transition and remember to breath and smell the flowers along the way.
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I had to work Saturday and was with a woman that is pretty awesome. She has a friend that loves to do makeup as a hobby She will check with her to see if she will teach me her contouring techniques and other tricks.
Quote from: Rachel on January 28, 2018, 10:24:49 AM
Hi Cassie, where do you find a companion?
Hi Sasha,
Congratulation on coming to the point of transition. In order to get GCS you need to be a year full time living in female cloths, HRT, change you name on your work ID and go to a therapist so a letter (s) can be written recommending you for GCS. I had been going to therapy for 2.5 years ( I was trying to save my marriage) before I decided to get FFS and GCS with BA.
What I thought was impossible turned out to be a long series of obstacles that needed to be breached one at a time. When I reached a milestone I looked back and went over all I had accomplished to that point.
Now I am me and still on a journey with the end in sight. Looking back, I can now say I do not look at being a female as the goal. I am female and the goal was to be me. It took me longer than most but I can also say that for me dysphoria was 100% cured. I also have had a marked reduction in suicidal ideation. Although still there sometimes it is significantly less intense and not prolonged.
Good luck in your transition and remember to breath and smell the flowers along the way.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had to work Saturday and was with a woman that is pretty awesome. She has a friend that loves to do makeup as a hobby She will check with her to see if she will teach me her contouring techniques and other tricks.
Hi Rach!
Haven't found one yet. Funny though I use to be on POF, lol. Working on getting transportation so I can expand my range and check out the Trans events here in Vegas. Then as I progress, may try the POF female looking for female. Right now, I think I'd get my butt kick because I'm nowhere near the least feminine yet, lol.
Hi Cassi, getting your butt kicked is not recommended :) Perhaps full disclosure up front and seeing what POF has to offer. Why not go to a lesbian bar? You may not "look" like a typical lesbian but you may find a friend and friends have friends. Maybe I should take my own advise.
_____________________________________
I have to admit have been lax with my documents. I just received my Social Security card in the mail today with my name on it. WAY COOL. I just have my college diploma and 2 credit cards to change and my utilities.
Quote from: Rachel on January 29, 2018, 04:46:15 PM
Hi Cassi, getting your butt kicked is not recommended :) Perhaps full disclosure up front and seeing what POF has to offer. Why not go to a lesbian bar? You may not "look" like a typical lesbian but you may find a friend and friends have friends. Maybe I should take my own advise.
_____________________________________
I have to admit have been lax with my documents. I just received my Social Security card in the mail today with my name on it. WAY COOL. I just have my college diploma and 2 credit cards to change and my utilities.
Thanks Rach, I'll think about it. If I looked like my Avatar I'd surely think about it. Sadly, HRT hasn't done that much to me and it's one of those FaceApp pics which blew me away as I see a lot of my mom and younger sisters in my face :)
The Therapist suggested that I find like minded/body people and have more of a support group. I did mention this site and that aside from my wacky comments that might someday get me into trouble, I have found a lot of nice people and learned a great deal. There's a place called the Center here in Vegas and I was just talking to my daughter earlier today about maybe driving over there as they do have some trans activity.
Cassie, I go to a LBBT center, which has a group and another group. You can make friends there. I at the point where trans friends are great but I want a boyfriend. I want someone to do things with and not be suffocating.
I was thinking if I was lesbian I would get a part time weekend job at a lesbian bar.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I received a letter from Aetna today about the April 4th surgery. I am a bit confused as to what it all means. I guess there are some pretty general things referenced in the CPT codes. Dr. McGinn told me I had extra skin and fat in my crotch area that she was suing for the graph. HSe said there was a mint correction of the clitoral hood and the movement of my urethra. The letter had the following:
CPT 14040, adjacent tissue transfer or rearrangement forehead, cheeks, chin, mouth, neck, axillae, genitalia, hands and or feet; defects 10 SQ CM or less.
CPT 53430 clitoroplasty for intersexed state
CPT 53430 arthroplasty reconstruction of female urethra
CPT 14040 adjacent tissue transfer or rearrangement, forehead, cheeks, chin, mouth, neck, axillae, genitalia, hands and or feet; 10 SQ cm or less
CPT 56805 clitoroplasty for intersexed state
CPT 53430 urethroplasty, reconstruction of female urethra
I received a post cart from Aetna stating they are in receipt of my level 2 appeal for my FFS. I will most likely need to do a level 3 appeal at which time I will contact a trans Lawyer specializing in trans appeals for surgeries.
I feel a little overwhelmed at the moment and have some thoughts of, is it worth it. I had GCS and I am happy with the results. It is mostly the very painful scar tissue that motivates me to get this done and only because the orange dilator brings me to tears. There is a very minor issue with the hood that Dr. McGinn noticed. The urethra is high but I compensate when I pee. I am just tickled pink to be able to pee so well. The scar ring I do not care about because I probable will never be with a guy.
Quote from: Rachel on February 01, 2018, 06:14:18 PM
I received a letter from Aetna today about the April 4th surgery. I am a bit confused as to what it all means. I guess there are some pretty general things referenced in the CPT codes. Dr. McGinn told me I had extra skin and fat in my crotch area that she was suing for the graph. HSe said there was a mint correction of the clitoral hood and the movement of my urethra. The letter had the following:
CPT 14040, adjacent tissue transfer or rearrangement forehead, cheeks, chin, mouth, neck, axillae, genitalia, hands and or feet; defects 10 SQ CM or less.
CPT 53430 clitoroplasty for intersexed state
CPT 53430 arthroplasty reconstruction of female urethra
CPT 14040 adjacent tissue transfer or rearrangement, forehead, cheeks, chin, mouth, neck, axillae, genitalia, hands and or feet; 10 SQ cm or less
CPT 56805 clitoroplasty for intersexed state
CPT 53430 urethroplasty, reconstruction of female urethra
I received a post cart from Aetna stating they are in receipt of my level 2 appeal for my FFS. I will most likely need to do a level 3 appeal at which time I will contact a trans Lawyer specializing in trans appeals for surgeries.
I feel a little overwhelmed at the moment and have some thoughts of, is it worth it. I had GCS and I am happy with the results. It is mostly the very painful scar tissue that motivates me to get this done and only because the orange dilator brings me to tears. There is a very minor issue with the hood that Dr. McGinn noticed. The urethra is high but I compensate when I pee. I am just tickled pink to be able to pee so well. The scar ring I do not care about because I probable will never be with a guy.
I'm sorry you're having problems Sis. Scream loud enough and they'll come to their senses.
P.S to thos not in the know okcupid has a bunch of dating option where you can put what you identify as or don't and what you are looking for in someone.
Hugz
--Sasha
Sasha, thank you, I think I will try that site. I guess I should just jump in and give it a try.
I went to a meet up at the Art museum today. I could not find the group. There was a children's event where we were to meet and it was very crowded. I will join the group and next time and I will be able to text. They were having trouble finding each other from their texts. They also do breakfast on the weekend and I think I would like to do that too.
Cassi, thank you for your support. I was confused about CPT code 14040 with the graft. I am ok now, it just hit a raw spot. I am not symmetrical in my face. The CPT code hit me wrong. I had just been with Dr. McGinn a few days prior and I wanted her to correct my one brow that is a little lower than the other. She said she would not do it because if she overcompensated then it would be higher than the other. She also said I am the only one that notices it. I am very self conscious about my body and face.
I have a price from Dr. Spiegel to do an upper blethoplasty and may do that some time in the future.
I am very happy that I transitioned. It has come with a cost but I have a sense of calm , a feeling of absence of dysphoria or congruency. There is a feeling of loss of my family but I text my ex and we will be doing dinner next week and my daughter stops by and we watch a few episodes of White Collar on Saturdays. So I have contact and we still love each other.
I ordered some tops and pants for work, spring tops. I love to get new tops and pants. :)
On Tuesday I had two appointments at Dr. Sataloff's office (voice surgeon). The first appointment was with two speech pathologists, one very experienced with trans and one with experience. As I performed the exercised one person was perpendicular to me. After a while they switched. Then they had recommendations.
Sit with a straight back.
Have your head aligned with my spine (head back)
Have my jaw perpendicular to my vertical chest.
Use diaphramatic breathing. ( breath from stomach but did not fully explain. I did what my past speech pathologist told me to do).
I practiced the voiceless s to z sound, M sounds and words to place resonance in the front of my face.
Next I went to the singing coach. I thought this will be a waist of time. Thus was the most important voice training session I have ever had.
She knew I am a mechanical engineer so she spoke to me in scientific terms and explained the reason for each exercise. She made a 3 track CD for me to practice each morning on my way to work.
She did vocal exploratory tests. She said I needed to loosen my vocal folds and train my new voice. She was impressed with the pitch ability of my falsetto. The exercises are to stretch my vocal folds. She said as I go to a higher pitch I need to use more air for the more taunt vocal folds to keep them in resonance. She said I need to use more air in general. She taught me diaphramatc breathing which is:
Stand straight with head and chin back. Put hand on tummy and hand on chin to feel what is happening. relax abdominal muscles so diaphragm expands. Next gently apply abdominal pressure to assist with air exiting throat such that less pressure is exerted from the rib cage. Increase the pressure if using a higher pitch.
We did a bunch of exercises which I will review later. The exercises really does stretch the vocal folds. I can speak clearer now.
She has me speaking with a more open mouth which causes me to speak slower. She has me focusing on my jaw, toung, lips and pallet to make sounds. She showed me a technique to move my pallet up to allow resonance into the front of my face. I will review that technique later.
I was wrong. The voice team is really very good and the singing coach is extremely good and very worth while going to. I will go over the techniques later after I practice them a few more times. I will continue to go to them to see how my voice can improve. My pitch may be too low in the end and the doctor may need to do a glottoplasty but I will give this every effort.
I took my ex out for her birthday tonight. It was an Italian family run restaurant at 2nd street on South Street in Philly. My daughter would not go because she might see someone she knew. Anyhow the dinner was excellent. When my ex and daughter were leaving my house I became really sad. I held back the tears until after they left.
I continued purging and cleaning after they left. There were tears streaming down my face. I miss them.
I cried as I put the old male clothes in bags to donate. I talked to my Dad and Mom, long since gone. I asked why they would not help me. Why they made my life a living hell. Why did I not keep doing the things I tried to do when I was younger. Why did I date my ex. Why did I marry. It is not all my Mother and Fathers fault. I dated then married my ex. I am to blame for that. The pain I felt tonight was the loss of my ex and the embarrassment of my daughter to be seen with me in public.
.
Rachel that is so painful - to have your daughter skip dinner at a restaurant because she cares more about her social circle than you. But I'll admit when I was younger I did many clueless things, I hurt others without realizing it as my priorities were backwards. That correlates to age but isn't absolute - I know some incredible caring people here who are young, and I know careless people who are older.
I believe your daughter would have made a positive decision in the future - not just if she hopefully matures and understands, but as you are continuing to refine into the person you are while society is gradually acknowledging how much damage is caused by the obsolete yes/no concept of gender binary. As time goes on, even if she does not change she won't see you as quite the risk to her Friends list or whatever it's called. It's possible there will be a day when she sees you as the inspiring, incredibly strong parent who clawed your way from the worst despair and wouldn't take no for an answer.
My stepkids (age 24 and 26) knew I was having major surgery 3 weeks ago (GCS) but didn't bother to text, email, call or anything. I have done a lot for them. That stung, but then I remembered the times my parents had surgery and I was too busy to be bothered. Today, I'd drop everything to go hold their hand. Some people change, some do not.
None of us can literally move time backwards, although HRT and being sensible with health can roll the odometer back a surprising amount. Reminds me of song lyrics - when you look behind you there's no open doors. Some of us do the best possible from each moment forward, as you are, but we are human and the emotions that hit you are completely understandable.
You will feel better tomorrow, when tomorrow becomes today.
Kendra
Rachel,
I'm so sorry to hear about the disappointment you experienced and as time passes I feel your daughter will draw closer to you.
Hi Rachel,
That pain you describe is all too real for me. It hurts. It hurts to high hell. And unfortunately neither you nor I can do anything about it except to somehow learn to accept it and hope things will change. Your daughter is still a young person and her social society is important to her. It isn't right that she puts that ahead of your love for her. She has time to mature more and may easily have a change of heart. I don't believe I have that same reason to hope with mine. I hurts Hun, it truly does but you are not alone. There are those of us that know your pain. Just hang in there are hope she will someday see the light.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Kendra, I did not know you had GCS. I will need to check out the GCS forum. CONGRATULATIONS :) . I am so happy for you. Make sure you eat well and do not overdo it. I know at 3 weeks you think you are all better then you walk to far and realize you have a ways to go. If you have any questions let me know, been there done that kind of thing.
Today is a different day and I feel much better. Thank you for the post.
Hi Cassie, I hope she realizes some day I am the same person and will be happy to go out in public with me.
Laurie, I am sorry you have to deal with this too. It hurts but then I have to remember she has her life and a choice to have me in it or not. Thank you for the support and if you ever need to vent contact me.
Long time no see.
I am finally post op.
Dr. Dugi at OHSU on the 8th of this month.
Still in early healing mode. Thought I would stop by and see how you are doing...wow. The years have moved forward.
:icon_geekdance:
Hi Cynthialee,
Yes a very long time. Congratulations on GCS. You are just 8 day out so yes you are in the early stages of healing. I am so happy for you. How have you been?
My life has changed a lot in the past 5 years. I am divorced and just signed up for Match.com. There are a lot of guys on there. LOL. Kind of leery about dating and want to take it slow. Who knows, anything to get me out of my shell and just meet guys would be a big improvement.
I have been well. I keep busy with my life and transgender stuff doesn't come up much. But I figured I really owed it t the forums to come say howdy and let folks know I finished my surgical portion of transition. Especially seeing how it was some of the people on this site who saved my life early on in my transition. There is a historical document one could compile and I waned it to have the proper ending for any historians in the future tracking my narrative. Only took 8.5 years from when I started the process...
OMG hun, you are gorgeous! You look like an ex of mine from many years back. You could be cousins.
Cynthialee, thank you so much about my avatar. I get my hair trimmed and colored next weekend. Someday I will get daring and apply more makeup and different shades.
I am very happy you are at the end of your journey. I still have a vaginal procedure April 4th for some corrective work and I will need a second vocal procedure. Anyhow, I am pretty close to the end and am starting to look for companionship. Of course there is the 30 pounds I have been trying to lose for years, LOL, and most likely will give it a good effort for the summer. I will be on the beach this summer:)
As far as documenting, I wonder what people would think of this thread? I hope it helps someone that is starting out or looking for something to help them get to sleep. I was really at the end of my rope when I finally made an account here. The people here helped me make it until I had my intake.
I hope you drop by again and do not wait so long between visits. Thank you sis for helping me when I was so desperately in need. I wish you the best and good luck healing. GCS is a major operation and in 2 weeks you may think you can resume activities but take it slow. I have a friend that is 4 weeks post op and she walked a lot last week and caused some separation. Treat your kitty well :)
Hi Rachel,
I just had to say something now that we finally get to see you. Your avatar is very cute Rachel. I don't know why you have hidden yourself from us for so long. You are a cute lady Rachel. Looking for someone to love... well hun I wish you all the luck in the world that you find someone Rachel. I hope you really are doing as well as it sounds like you are. You have come a long way Baby. You have been through a lot as most of us do but you have come through it now and deserve to enjoy life from here on out.
You mentioned that you wonder what others think of your story and I can tell you that you have impressed and inspired others with it. It be a hard road you've followed and yet you kept on. One step at a time you moved forward and overcame obstacles. I have liked being a small part it your story having come late to the party but I've seen enough to know it hasn't been easy for you. Where will you go from here once you at at what your think is the end of your journey and decide to sit back and enjoy life? Who knows? But I will wish for you to be genuinely happy with who you finally are.
Hugs,
Laurie
Oh Rachel, just seeing your avatar picture cheered me up and has me smiling. You are gorgeous and oh wow that smile. I love it. Thank you for sharing. Hugs,
Moni
You look so good Rachel!! I really love curls [emoji4]
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Lorie and my Monica, thank you about the nice comments on the avitar. I am very self conscious and have an issue with body image. Next week I get my hair trimmed and colored. Blond, very excited. I have wanted to be blond again and now it will happen.
I am doing much better since the Thursday night. I still get sad but I am getting past it. I was really depressed then I slept really well and the headache was gone as well as the stress and feeling of pending doom.
Thank you Allison, I wish I had straight hair. However, I just wash, condition and scrunch dry in the mornings and the curls just happen,
Quote from: Rachel on February 16, 2018, 09:34:31 PM
Lorie and my Monica, thank you about the nice comments on the avitar. I am very self conscious and have an issue with body image. Next week I get my hair trimmed and colored. Blond, very excited. I have wanted to be blond again and now it will happen.
I am doing much better since the Thursday night. I still get sad but I am getting past it. I was really depressed then I slept really well and the headache was gone as well as the stress and feeling of pending doom.
So happy to hear that you're feeling better.
Rachel!! OMG you are so beautiful - and such a genuine smile as I imagined later in transition and can now finally see.
I am so happy you are moving forward with your life.
Thank you Cassie. I am feeling a lot better :)
Kendra, thanks for the compliments. I will never see what you see but thank you.
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Someone on here recommended Yes water based lubricant. Well it is awesome. It is $22 per tube but I use so little it is most likely the same price as what I was using. It works extremely well and it is my favorite lube to date. I did notice a smell change down there for the better. I think there is less of an odor and less strong. Mind you I do not have my nose down there :)
I went to my therapist and group Thursday. I felt a little better. I slept really well Thursday night an awoke and my headache was gone I felt very well rested. I slept through the night. I have slept well since and have not had a headache since. Maybe it was stress or maybe I accepted my new path forward. Anyhow I feel great.
I have about 5 guys e-mailing me from Match.com. I do not know if it will pan out or if they realize I am trans, I put it in my profile. What should I do?? Do I date? I am a virgin and really am not experienced. I had sex with guys in high school and college then 6 years of no human contact then I meet my wife. We had sex but not much and then now. Do these guys just want to have sex or a relationship, partner and sex? I am taking this slow and telling them so.
Next Saturday I will have my hair evened out and colored blond. I a going to a guy that works where I work 3 days a week. He also works 3 days a week in a salon at 20th and JFK in Philly. He is really good and does a lot of the woman's hair at work. I would be scared if it was the old me but I am uber excited.
I have 4 new tops for work and 3 pair of pants. I need to go through my closet and remove the summer and non work cloths. This is getting bad. I need a bigger closet. I also need to stop by the consignment shop and get a shoe rack.
Well look at you go Rachel, bowes on match, huge smiles, clothes galore. How exciting! Getting your hair done (though I don't see why) it already looks nice girl. I just can't get over you posting a picture. You look so good how can you have an image problem? Come on girl, You look GOOD!! Get out there and have some fun!!
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Rachel on February 16, 2018, 08:44:23 PMAs far as documenting, I wonder what people would think of this thread? I hope it helps someone that is starting out or looking for something to help them get to sleep. I was really at the end of my rope when I finally made an account here.
Rachel, you need to know that your thread has been incredibly helpful and inspirational to me, and I suspect many others. When I started my journey back in May of last year, yours was one of the first threads I picked up and binge-read until I was caught up, and I haven't missed an entry since then. Watching you go over, through, or around any barrier in your way helped me develop the strength to get where I am today. So never doubt the value of what you've written here.
And your avatar... I had despaired of ever seeing you if I didn't find a way to meet you in person. After hearing nothing but your self-critical evaluations, I was worried about who I'd see then. And now you delight me with finally showing yourself to us all, and the joy I see in your eyes and smile dispelled all my concerns. You're beautiful, Rachel, and you need to believe it.
Thank you for showing the way to me and many others.
- Stephanie
Hi Laurie, thank you for the kind words.
Hi Steph, thank you for the compliment. I am glad the thread helped you. If you are ever in the Philly New Hope area let me know and we can have lunch together.
The thread helps me to get what is on my mind out. In a way it is therapy. When times are tough people here help me to stay safe.
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A guy at work said to me today that I looked really good. I thanked him and that felt awesome. Just a few words can mean so much.
My second set of hair graphs are coming in and my hair really is starting to look pretty good. My hair appointment is not this Saturday but next Saturday. I can not wait.
Now for my weight loss goal. I really want to lose 20 pounds and that is what I will do. So as I want to snack I will just say I do not want to wear that or I do not want that.
I had lunch with a work friend today. I told her that 12th street gym closed and I want to find a gym that has a hot sauna and classes. There is a gym by my house and I said I would talk to the manager and let her know that I am trans and will be using the woman facilities and will that make an issue. The other person said I am past that and just need to use the woman's facilities. I think I should find out their perspective.
I agree Rachel. I think you should just do it. My 2 cents.
Me three you are a woman. Go where you belong girlfriend! You've earned it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Rachel on February 21, 2018, 06:19:18 PMHi Steph, thank you for the compliment. I am glad the thread helped you. If you are ever in the Philly New Hope area let me know and we can have lunch together.
Absolutely. Some day I want to take a relaxing swing up the east coast and meet so many people like you and Moni. We'll be going to New York City soon, but we'll either be flying or will be in a bit of a hurry in the car, so might not have time for visiting.
QuoteThe thread helps me to get what is on my mind out. In a way it is therapy.
I have my own thread for the same reason, and also as a sort of journal. It has an even better use - I've met so many awesome people because of it. I'll bet you have, too.
QuoteThere is a gym by my house and I said I would talk to the manager and let her know that I am trans and will be using the woman facilities and will that make an issue. The other person said I am past that and just need to use the woman's facilities. I think I should find out their perspective.
I'm pre-op, so take my opinion for what it's worth: there's no longer any reason for you to out yourself to anyone, especially the manager of a gym. They might have a concern with someone like me, but as your friend and Moni point out, you're past all that. I can't wait for the day that I am too. You can bet I won't tell anyone who doesn't have an absolute need-to-know once I'm complete.
- Stephanie
Thank you Monica, Laurie and Steph. I think I will give it a try.
So, I have two bottles of E pills and I was able to get delestrogen. So I had two bottles just sitting there. On day 8-10 I took two pills a day for the last three days in the cycle.
So why did I do that and what will I do in 8 days? I did it because I want to see if it helped with feminization. I had several people say my skin (face) looked really good. I had 2 people say my face was a glow. I did not notice any breast tenderness but then it was just 3 days. In 8 days I most likely will give it a try again but then again I think I need to run it past my therapist. I know she will tell me to contact my doctor and if I did he would say stop. So why did I do it? I want to have more feminization, but why. Well I had one guy say to walk like a woman, shoulders back and head up. I had a guy today tell me to smile.
I have been on HRT for 4.5 years and I still want to be more female looking. I want guys to be attracted to me. I still think I should have gone with 800 cc breast implants instead of 555 cc. Will I every be happy with myself?
My therapist cancelled with me today and well as the person that does my Thursday electrolysis so I skipped group and went home. I wrestle with myself, weight, cloths, hair, height and beauty. Why am I so vein? So I need to work on this. I need to learn to love myself.
I think a lot of this is about self confidence. In your past people told you that you were not a worthwhile person and you have accepted it. Hormones, facial surgery, implants etc. won't make you into a real woman because you already are a real woman. That's the important point to remember - you are a woman and a good person for your friends and colleagues.
Rachel - I've not been on too much lately, life is crazy. I didn't recognize your avatar. You look GREAT! The confidence you are presenting is ... out of this world. Congratulations!!! Keep it up girl!
Hi Mary, thank you. You are right and I am to body / face focused. I know it is vain but I really want to look good physically and in clothes. You are right, I had a lot of negative messaging in my life. Sad thing is when I hear positives it bounces off and does not penetrate. I need to let the positives in.
Hi Denise, I look a lot different from when we meet a few years ago and thank you for the positive comment about my avatar. I will post another pic next week when I have my hair cut and colored.
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Found a bean pasta which is low in carbs and really low sugar tomato sauce. It is ok. The best is it is high in fiber and protein?
I sent in my level 2 appeal to Aetna for my FFS tonight :) If need be I will go to the state. It is about my Identity and I will pursue this to the end. I feel good just fighting for myself.
I had a couple of guys give me their number from match.com. I am really leery about calling them. My voice is about 160 hz and I get gendered male on the phone. I need to step up and just say what the heck.
I see the voice pathologist and vocal coach Tuesday afternoon. When I see Dr. Sateloff in March 28 if my pitch is not higher then I will inquire about a glottoplasty. I want to know if he uses a laser or micro tools. I know he invented 100 tools for surgery.
My ex has been gone for a month and I am making a new routine.
March 16 I will wear a skirt to work. I reallt like the New Your and Co Aubrey style pants and will get a few more and if I like skirts I will get a few of them. After that dresses when I get 180 pounds.
I had two guys this week at work say to me smile. When I smiled it gave them some sort of happiness. One guy told me I look really good. Another guy put his hand on my shoulder and kept it there for a few seconds. I do not react to these things. I got use to guys opening doors and staying on elevators until I get off.
I am going to a Penn Pride social hour soon and I will be listening on a Criminal Justice center panel discussion about how being LGBT pushes youth you the CJS.
Quote from: Rachel on February 25, 2018, 06:33:15 PM
Hi Mary, thank you. You are right and I am to body / face focused. I know it is vain but I really want to look good physically and in clothes. You are right, I had a lot of negative messaging in my life. Sad thing is when I hear positives it bounces off and does not penetrate. I need to let the positives in.
Hi Denise, I look a lot different from when we meet a few years ago and thank you for the positive comment about my avatar. I will post another pic next week when I have my hair cut and colored.
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Found a bean pasta which is low in carbs and really low sugar tomato sauce. It is ok. The best is it is high in fiber and protein?
I sent in my level 2 appeal to Aetna for my FFS tonight :) If need be I will go to the state. It is about my Identity and I will pursue this to the end. I feel good just fighting for myself.
I had a couple of guys give me their number from match.com. I am really leery about calling them. My voice is about 160 hz and I get gendered male on the phone. I need to step up and just say what the heck.
I see the voice pathologist and vocal coach Tuesday afternoon. When I see Dr. Sateloff in March 28 if my pitch is not higher then I will inquire about a glottoplasty. I want to know if he uses a laser or micro tools. I know he invented 100 tools for surgery.
My ex has been gone for a month and I am making a new routine.
March 16 I will wear a skirt to work. I reallt like the New Your and Co Aubrey style pants and will get a few more and if I like skirts I will get a few of them. After that dresses when I get 180 pounds.
I had two guys this week at work say to me smile. When I smiled it gave them some sort of happiness. One guy told me I look really good. Another guy put his hand on my shoulder and kept it there for a few seconds. I do not react to these things. I got use to guys opening doors and staying on elevators until I get off.
I am going to a Penn Pride social hour soon and I will be listening on a Criminal Justice center panel discussion about how being LGBT pushes youth you the CJS.
Rachel I'm not surprised guys are sweet on you you're a pretty lady! [emoji4]
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Rachel,
You look good and can only get better. The voice can be an issue but it is not insurmountable. Those guys are smiling and opening doors for you because they see what we all do. they see a woman. You just keep making that progress and you will be fine, girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
Rachel, all such good news from your corner! I'm really happy for you :-).
About dating, i think you could safely convey that you're uncomfortable with talking on phone (or just don't like to) and go with SMS. For my part I'm offering Kik as a chat place with anyone I don't know, that feels safer but text is fine as long as you're comfortable giving out your number.
I envy your attraction to guys on the one hand, your dating pool is relatively large, otoh, within that group you may have to do some work finding guys who aren't >-bleeped-<s. I've little practical experience there .. so far with women of course they have to be cool with me not passing and then we go through the phase of deciding whether we're friends or possible sex / romantic partners.
I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, however are you familiar with safe call protocols? I would always use that for new contacts. Unfortunately I can't remember where I read the following but some Google Fu should find it. I read a set of tips for trans women new to dating and social situations as female, the ones that really stood out:
Not leaving your drink out of your sight to ensure you don't get roofies or similar date rape drugs, only accepting a drink directly from bar staff.
Knowing how to not get trapped in a restroom
... You get the idea, things cis women are familiar with, probably you are also but I figured it can't hurt to mention.
Do talk to me if you have any concerns :-)
About your thread as documenting your journey, I've asked a friend on staff here to consider a sticky thread of pointers to transition journeys, GCS threads. There are so few threads like yours, Moni's, I'll flatter myself and say mine, that document an entire transition and the short ones that fully cover one aspect, usually GCS would benefit from having a metal thread / index.
And hey, I'm happy for you! :-)
Hi Allison, thank you for the kind comment.
Hi Laurie, thank you, I will keep it up and see what happens.
Hi Sadie, thank you for the advise. I think I am ready to date then I flip and think I am not ready.
There is a bar in the gayborhood that has a trans meetup on a specific night. Trans enamored men frequent there and pick up trans woman. It is for sex and as long as they are ok with that it is cool. I have a friend that did street work and said if I want to pick up go to Icandy after a drag queen show and the guys there want trans woman. I want a guy I can share mutual interests with and have fun. I want to share his life and he mine.
Match.com has guys from Maine to Maryland contacting me. I know why. I will use the site as a tool to learn and maybe find someone.
Dating is scary, date rape drugs and physical attack.
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I get my hair cut and colored Saturday and I can not wait.
Tomorrow I have a voice pathology and singing teacher lesson at Dr. Sateloff's offices. I can get to 180 to 190 HZ using techniques but it does not sound female. I will do this route until I see Dr. Dataloff the end of March. Then I want to ask him about his glottoplasty protocol. Does he use a laser or micro instruments ( he has made over 100 micro instruments for vocal surgery). I want to avoid laser at all costs. From what I have seen the web can cause a bit of over healing and a gap to be caused. When I looked at Dr. Kim's work he does not have the gap from his work and the work is precision work. The gap causes loss of vocal power and I struggled for vocal power before my first vocal surgery.
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5 weeks till I have vaginal work done. I am ramping up my exercise significantly to get into very good shape for the surgery. That means a wet sports bra LOL.
Hair cut and colored today.
I called a guy from Match.com and he will call back when he is not driving later.
I am going to go to my patient portal and request PrEP.
Be sure to post the new you.
What happened to the guy at work? Why not him? [emoji4]
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Hi Cassie, I will post a pic soon. I need to get some time and a few pics at work.
Hi Allison, my friend at work is a friend. I think that is best and he is not interested in me that way :(
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Ok, hair, I love my color. I think it is absolutely the best color for my face. I will post a pic when I have some taken at work. Tomorrow is out as it will be crazy at work with the snow.
I am using Aussi leave in conditioner and it really helps my frizzes :)
The guy from match is very handsome and I think we will be meeting up soon for coffee. He is from Amsterdam and emigrated her years ago. He sounds nice but you never know. He wants a serious relationship and I want to go slow. I just came off a long term relationship and it will take me a while to find my new normal. I am very confused right now and one part of me wants to run to him and another wants to warn him if he tries any physical or verbal abuse I am out of there and burning the bridges, no excuses.
I have PrEP HIV prophylactic. I do not want to get HIV but I do not want to start the drug unless I need to. It can cause liver issues and bone loss and softening. I think HIV testing is a good thing to do. I need to control myself when I meet this guy and stay grounded.
So I no longer see a guy in the mirror. It took a long time. I will have been on HRT 5 years the end of May. I had a lot of surgeries to help. I looked at a pic of myself before FFS today and it looks like his sister.
29 days till I have vaginal surgery to finish off the bottom of my vagina, correct scar tissue (Yah), do some labia work and hood work. Oh, and move my urethra. I was thinking today while peeing how nice it is to fully empty and pee so quickly. I remember before GCS it took longer to pee and I did not completely empty. I guess there was scar tissue from the operation when I was 12. Before that operation it took me a very long time to pee, it burned and it came out the bottom of the penis. They split it open and gave me a second urethra and redirected the stream to the front. Anyhow, I am concerned about being able to pee and something going wrong there. There is a very personal story behind this and some day I will go into it.
Sounds like you're doing pretty gosh darn good!!!!!
looking at your profile pic I do not see how you could ever see a man
you look great hun
Thank you Cassi and cynthialee :)
Update:
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Facial hair removal- Thermolysys is really doing a good job. I am still doing electrolysis ( she is a trans friend) but it is not as effective on me. It goes to show to use different methods. I think some people may respond to different methods better.
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I did not go to group Thursday. I was wiped out from the snow and needed to get some rest.
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Therapist - I have secondary insomnia. I get to sleep very well and when stress levels are low to moderate I can sleep 5 hours without waking. When I wake I can not get back to sleep. When stress is up a bit I get 3 or so hours of sleep then wake and can not get to sleep. My therapist asked what I think about? I responded from superficial to core. She asked if I would keep a dream journal. I said I have one by my bed. I told her I did not need it, the dreams are the same.
Superficial - work stress de jour.
She asked is that it. Then I told her a layer.
Base dream- I dream about when I was six or seven and I would wrap rubber bands around my gonads at night before I wet to bed. One night I fell asleep (that was the plan) then a while later I awoke and had a dream where my dad beat me unmercifully. I took the rubber bands off. I should have left them on and gone back to sleep this haunts me.
What I did not tell her and what bothers me so much is I go back into my past from recent to way back. I crate different endings. The first part is from the past then I recreate. There are themes to the new endings and it always ends in me transitioning and being accepted or starting a new life with a new family or other endings.
There were many things I recreate with new endings. I guess it is on my subconscious. My therapist wants to help me to end the dreams but they are my past and then I recreate a new ending. How do I stop that? This is my past it consumed me. It altered who I am, my identity. I am trying to find my new base my new normal and create a new life and share my life with a person that wants to be part of my present and future.
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25 days till the operation. I sometimes think it is not worth it, just passing thoughts. I guess mainly I am afraid it will not be successful. I guess the urethra by far then the scar tissue is my biggest concern then making the bottom of my vagina followed by labiaplasty then hood correction.
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The guy from match.com - I am thinking of blocking him. I asked twice if he wanted to get coffee and if he wanted to meet after work. Each time he said he would see if he can get some time to meet. Then when he calls the connection is always bad and I end up saying to call me from a land line but he doesn't. I need to write a tactful message basically saying I need to see a person face to face and that it is best if we no longer contact each other. I just need to get the nerve up to send the e-mail.
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There's a thread about nipple piercing and I couldn't find your PM to let you know so you could enlighten the young lady.
Hi Cassi, I could not find the post. Basically wait 6 months post BA to get them pierced. Wash them daily and do not touch them or let anyone else touch them. If a guy wants to touch them I will use alcohol afterwards to clean them off.
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I saw my doctor at Mazzoni today. I will start PrEP tonight. Labs in 3 months :( . He is sending in a script for T, just a dab every other day for bone health and libido. I explained last time I just could not take the T but now I am ready. He said he had 3 girls today that had the same issue (they see many thousands of trans 23,000 in the practice and mostly trans).
He asked if I am having sex and I said I am on Match.com and one guy is a high probability. He gets back in 2 weeks from a trip for work and sex is a high probability when we meet. If we meet. He asked if I will tell him I am trans. I said I told him already for safety reasons. I do not want any violence. I asked why and he said I pass and he want me to think about telling him. He said I really did not have too. That felt so good but I do not pass. I no longer see the guy in the mirror but passing???
I explained the sataloff CT procedure and the next step which will be glottoplasty. I let him know about the April 4th GCS rework. I also let him know I filed step 2 grievance for my FFS. He said I really do not need glottoplasty. I explained I still get misgendered on the phone. O% in person but 75% on the phone.
He said my hair really looks good :) .
Quote from: Rachel on March 12, 2018, 05:57:23 PM
Hi Cassi, I could not find the post. Basically wait 6 months post BA to get them pierced. Wash them daily and do not touch them or let anyone else touch them. If a guy wants to touch them I will use alcohol afterwards to clean them off.
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I saw my doctor at Mazzoni today. I will start PrEP tonight. Labs in 3 months :( . He is sending in a script for T, just a dab every other day for bone health and libido. I explained last time I just could not take the T but now I am ready. He said he had 3 girls today that had the same issue (they see many thousands of trans 23,000 in the practice and mostly trans).
He asked if I am having sex and I said I am on Match.com and one guy is a high probability. He gets back in 2 weeks from a trip for work and sex is a high probability when we meet. If we meet. He asked if I will tell him I am trans. I said I told him already for safety reasons. I do not want any violence. I asked why and he said I pass and he want me to think about telling him. He said I really did not have too. That felt so good but I do not pass. I no longer see the guy in the mirror but passing???
I explained the sataloff CT procedure and the next step which will ne glottoplasty. I let him know about the April 4th GCS rework. I also let him know I filed step 2 grievance for my FFS. He said I really do not need glottoplasty. I explained I still get misgendered on the phone. O% in person but 75% on the phone.
He said my hair really looks good :) .
Thanks. I thought I had pasted the title into a message. Anyway, great news and you do owe us all a picture of your nu-do!
I have been taking a trace of T once every week or so for a number of years for energy and libido
thanks for the reminder, I am due
Hi Cassie, I know I need to get some pics. I just need to get outside and take a few.
Hi Cynthialee, how has the T helped you? Does it really help with libido? Did you notice anything with your prostrate? My prostrate is really small. Has you hair been impacted?
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Update, Aetna is requiring prior authorization from my doctor for the T. If I am denied I will go through the 430B program. The script is $400 from CVS.
Papillion called today asking about the pre-surgical testing. I never received the letter with what was requested. I think I have the testing done between Mazzoni and Dr. Sataloff. Talk about cutting it close.
I am using a new lit stain from Urban Decay. That and my hair and I am getting a lot of compliments from men and woman. One guy today kept saying I really look good. I think he said it 4 times. I noticed when I wear this color my teeth really pop white and my lips look really good. With a light color lipstick or stain my lips get washed out.
I think the guy from match is phishing. He keeps texting me but can never meet. Oh well, I will need to start from scratch.
On T. Mazzoni had it for $40.00. I take a little bit every other day.
I gave the guy texting from match.com a choice. Either meet up for coffee or stop texting me. It had been 2 weeks of 3 or 4 texts a day and I wanted to meet. I guess he wanted a text relationship.
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I am in a bit of a bind. I got a call from Papillion that they had not seen my pre-op tests. I said I never received a letter requesting them. I had an operation with them in July 2017. So now I need to get the tests ASAP. My surgery is 4/4/18. So much stress.
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I am on T, a dab every other day. I do feel a little bit better and I do have a libido returning a bit :)
Pre-Op testing
Blood test done,
Cardiology consult prior to major operation scheduled tomorrow.
Chest x-ray will be done after the cardiologist tomorrow morning.
Mazzoni to send the last physical, history and ekg from December to Papillion. I need to call Papillion tomorrow and make sure they get the information. Mazzoni said it can take up to Wednesday.
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All PrEPed up and no guy :(
Best wishes Kiddo!
Hi Cassie, thank you. I like your avatar pic :)
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Papillion received the Mazzoni paperwork Monday. I did the blood test and EKG anyway. I had the cardiology consult and chest x-ray done. So I am done with pre-op testing.
I asked 2 questions Kristol will answer tomorrow. One, do I need to remove the piercings prior to the operation. I know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway. Perhaps I can het acrylic. Two, is their any chance they would consider using a peritoneal graft.
I use to be 327 pounds; I am 194 now. So I have stretch marks in my crotch area. I wonder about the skin used in a graft. If they cut out good skin will they remove the stretch marks too? If they do then that would be good. I have a new question to ask.
I really do not expect them to consider a peritoneal graft, but you never know.
------------------------------------
Never know, Rachel, unless you ask, with losing so much weight I expect you do have the extra skin down there to use.
Hi MM, yes I have extra skin down there but it has stretch marks and is not choice skin.
I have not heard back from Papillion about peritoneal or piercings. I went to warrior in Mew Hope for my piercings and they use surgical grade steel and gave the ANSI specification. I will fax that to Papillion Monday.
9 days till the GCS corrections. I did not receive a surgical sheet on what not to do or take. I know the drill and are stopping blood thinning supplements.
I have been doing some research about Dr. Sataloff's glottoplasty. I see him the 28th. I want to inquire if he uses micro instruments or a laser. I watch a you tube of him explaining when to use a laser and when not. I am 99% sure he uses micro instruments but I will ask. I receive a 60 to 70 HZ increase without him touching the vocal folds from the last procedure. I would expect to go from 160 -180 to 220 to 240 with glottoplasty. I have lots of questions. My voice has improved significantly in the last three months. I am happy with it less the HZ.
Lorie is on her way north to the Philly area then on to Boston and will be stopping by soon :) .
Interesting day,
So there is a guy I have not seen for 6 months. He stops by my office. He said you colored your hair, did you go to a professional? Then he said you need to work on your voice and then tighten up some skin pointing to my buccal fat area. I wanted to cry but I composed myself. Some people are so dense or stupid.
I received an e-mail back from Kristal at Papillion. The piercings must be removed for surgery. Also, they will not be using a perineal graft. She mentioned why and that skin is the better choice.
Tomorrow I will be going to a HRC mixer for work. I will be wearing a dress tomorrow and most likely eat dinner in the gayborhood.
I have voice pathologist and singing coach tomorrow. Wednesday I see Dr. Sataloff. I will be confirming he uses micro instruments for a glottoplasty and ask if he will do the procedure. Next to see if insurance will pay for it. If not I will be funding a trip to Korea. It may take me some time but I will get there.
Lorie visited yesterday evening. I wish we had more time to chat. She is very easy to talk to and a very nice person. I thought about the visit today at work and it was great to meet her in person.
Quote from: Rachel on March 26, 2018, 07:12:35 PM
> Then he said you need to work on your voice and then tighten up some skin pointing to my buccal fat area. I wanted to cry but I composed myself. Some people are so dense or stupid.
Glad you held yourself together, not easy to do. Maybe keep an answer in the queue if there is a next time... the answer is "You need to work on your manners" and then walk away. Some people don't deserve the time.
Quote from: Rachel on March 26, 2018, 07:12:35 PM
Lorie visited yesterday evening. I wish we had more time to chat. She is very easy to talk to and a very nice person. I thought about the visit today at work and it was great to meet her in person.
And on a much better note, so glad you got to meet her!
Wow what a jerk. I agree with Kendra he should work on his manners
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Quote from: Kendra on March 26, 2018, 08:20:44 PM
And on a much better note, so glad you got to meet her!
I think it would be cool if she was made the official Roaming Ambassador for Susan's Place. And then she could wear her Honey Badge(r) Of Honor :)
Rachel, I think that rude bastard is a solid reason to acknowledge that you've arrived at "taken for female' if you have work colleagues who know this guy I'd suggest confiding in them and finding if they've been demeaned in similar manner.
Giving him a clue isn't your job and in your shoes I would think to make reminding him of that part of upbraiding him. It's also totally kosher to seek him out for this upbraiding.
Sorry IAC that you were subjected to such stupid.
Thank you Kendra, Allison, Sadie and Cassi for your support.
4/4 operation with Dr.McGinn is all set and I am ready.
The music teacher yesterday evening said she can not help me any further. I have difficulty hearing and articulating the differences of half notes in an up and down slide. She had me close my eyes when she did the sliders and had me mimic the sounds. As she expected I have difficulty distinguishing the pitch differences. 4 sessions and she caught me. I have fantastic hearing ability to high and low ranges but distinguishing the fine differences I have great difficulty mimicking.
I meet with Dr. Sataloff. I have achieved the outcome from his procedure. My voice is andro. I scheduled a glottoplasty for 5/14. He said he will use micro instruments. He said He last stitch is a special stitch to prevent the over healing and scar effecting the vocal folds. He said I will have my pitch raised but lose the lower pitch and have less range unless I increase my range more. I think I can go higher . I gained 25 hz in the past month. I think from healing and practice.
Ok, so I am starting to figure some things out. This could be triggering and it is about self hate.
When I was just about 5 I told my Mom I am a girl. Things did not go well. She told my Dad and he gave me a crew cut and I could not play with my girlfriends. I was treated differently than my brother and sister. There was a lot of physical violence in the house. To be different and be treated poorly cause a part of me to adopt my parents and brother thinking. A part of me (anti-me) became my worst enemy. The anti-me constantly put me down and feed me a constant barrage of hatred, self hatred.
Going through life I constantly refed myself the memories and feelings that kept me down. No one could ever be as cruel to me as I have been to myself.
Stepping off a curb in Philly in the spring when I was 50 I hit a point when the self hate got to the point of critical.
As I transitioned I started to replay points in my life with different endings. Each time I would stand up to my parents at some life and death point and they would allow me to transition and love me and accept me being different.
My parents and brother are long gone. Others took their place and one by one they are gone or no longer an influence over me. I have transitioned and I am starting to really like myself for who I am. I still have some messaging of shame and insecurity as I go through my journey and jump the next hurdle. I am much stronger now and am figuring things out.
So I created a part of me to shame myself to not be myself. I used self hate to keep myself from being myself. It involved shame and duplicating the hate that was expressed to me from others.
Somewhere along the line of transition my self hate decreased and then stopped. I think the last bit of it left when my ex-wife left. Perhaps I married her to keep myself from transitioning. Not perhaps, I married her as a continuation of my self hate.
Suicidal ideation although sometimes it hits it is minor and very shorted lived compared to before when It could become life threatening. As I go on I kind of want to live.
So I made my self hate, shame and suicidal ideation to suppress who I am. To keep myself from being myself and out of harms way.
Only when I exited the dark tunnel of self hate could I see what I had done to myself. I think letting go of the people and the past of the people that I tried to please was so very important. I think realizing the people at a HRC event Tuesday are like me and I am like them really put things into perspective. I am a good person I am just different than cis hetero. Different can be good.
No one told me dysphoria was curable; no one told me self hate was curable; no one told me I could like who I am becoming or who I am when I came to them for help 5.25 years ago.
Quote from: Rachel on March 28, 2018, 08:16:37 PM
Thank you Kendra, Allison, Sadie and Cassi for your support.
4/4 operation with Dr.McGinn is all set and I am ready.
The music teacher yesterday evening said she can not help me any further. I have difficulty hearing and articulating the differences of half notes in an up and down slide. She had me close my eyes when she did the sliders and had me mimic the sounds. As she expected I have difficulty distinguishing the pitch differences. 4 sessions and she caught me. I have fantastic hearing ability to high and low ranges but distinguishing the fine differences I have great difficulty mimicking.
I meet with Dr. Sataloff. I have achieved the outcome from his procedure. My voice is andro. I scheduled a glottoplasty for 5/14. He said he will use micro instruments. He said He last stitch is a special stitch to prevent the over healing and scar effecting the vocal folds. He said I will have my pitch raised but lose the lower pitch and have less range unless I increase my range more. I think I can go higher . I gained 25 hz in the past month. I think from healing and practice.
Hi Rach,
Well, may the Force be with you in your upcoming adventures!!!!!
Wow, I actually started reading the beginning of your thread a few months ago. I can't believe it's been over 5 years!! In actuality... Amazing when things are written down and looking back is just a click away... and where you are now- it's astonishing actually.
I can't wait for that to happen to me
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Thank you Cassi.
Allison, your time will come. I hope quicker than me.
Tonight I will be going to New Hope for dinner. I think I will try the Raven. I will not be leaving early and I will stay around and see what happens.
Quote from: Rachel on March 30, 2018, 06:28:25 PM
Ok, so I am starting to figure some things out. This could be triggering and it is about self hate.
When I was just about 5 I told my Mom I am a girl. Things did not go well. She told my Dad and he gave me a crew cut and I could not play with my girlfriends. I was treated differently than my brother and sister. There was a lot of physical violence in the house. To be different and be treated poorly cause a part of me to adopt my parents and brother thinking. A part of me (anti-me) became my worst enemy. The anti-me constantly put me down and feed me a constant barrage of hatred, self hatred.
Going through life I constantly refed myself the memories and feelings that kept me down. No one could ever be as cruel to me as I have been to myself.
Stepping off a curb in Philly in the spring when I was 50 I hit a point when the self hate got to the point of critical.
As I transitioned I started to replay points in my life with different endings. Each time I would stand up to my parents at some life and death point and they would allow me to transition and love me and accept me being different.
My parents and brother are long gone. Others took their place and one by one they are gone or no longer an influence over me. I have transitioned and I am starting to really like myself for who I am. I still have some messaging of shame and insecurity as I go through my journey and jump the next hurdle. I am much stronger now and am figuring things out.
So I created a part of me to shame myself to not be myself. I used self hate to keep myself from being myself. It involved shame and duplicating the hate that was expressed to me from others.
Somewhere along the line of transition my self hate decreased and then stopped. I think the last bit of it left when my ex-wife left. Perhaps I married her to keep myself from transitioning. Not perhaps, I married her as a continuation of my self hate.
Suicidal ideation although sometimes it hits it is minor and very shorted lived compared to before when It could become life threatening. As I go on I kind of want to live.
So I made my self hate, shame and suicidal ideation to suppress who I am. To keep myself from being myself and out of harms way.
Only when I exited the dark tunnel of self hate could I see what I had done to myself. I think letting go of the people and the past of the people that I tried to please was so very important. I think realizing the people at a HRC event Tuesday are like me and I am like them really put things into perspective. I am a good person I am just different than cis hetero. Different can be good.
No one told me dysphoria was curable; no one told me self hate was curable; no one told me I could like who I am becoming or who I am when I came to them for help 5.25 years ago.
I am so proud of you for discovering these insights. You are catching up with the rest of us who already know how amazing you are. Way to go Girlfriend!
Moni
Quote from: Rachel on March 31, 2018, 01:05:23 PM
Thank you Cassi.
Allison, your time will come. I hope quicker than me.
Tonight I will be going to New Hope for dinner. I think I will try the Raven. I will not be leaving early and I will stay around and see what happens.
I'm too scared of surgeries [emoji22] I'm living through you and if hrt can give me anything, which it already has in a way, is my will to continue in life... but I love how far you've come and continue to strive for. Truly amazing!!!
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Hi Monica, thank you and thank you for your support.
Allison, thank you and thank you for your support. You look young from your avatar so HRT can have very powerful effective. Surgeries are a positive and a negative, nothing is without a price. Hopefully the positives outweigh the negatives. Sometimes we think we know the outcome of a surgery before it happens but in reality we never know until it is over.
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Tomorrow at 0645 I need to be at Barix Clinic. I am the second operation scheduled which is slated for 2 hours.
Hi, I am at Barix Clinic now. It is clean and well maintained. I saw Dr. McGinn briefly as she came into the the front entrance.
I can not wait till this is over. I think the waiting is the worse thing.
My coinsurance and deductible has been meet for the year so there is a zero cost to me.
All set and ready to go 😀
Best wishes!
As for the waiting, I suppose that's why the medical field refers to customers as patience... ;)
Hi Kendra, thank you for your support
I arrived a the Barix Center at about 0600. I was 45 minutes early. . My surgery was scheduled for 0845 they took me back at 1015 hrs. The first surgery went long. I was in recovery I think 1230 hrs. My sister came at 1400 hrs so everything work out well.
Barix is a clean and well maintained 12 year old surgery center. Everyone was very nice and professional. The place is clean and short of me reviewing the infrastructure and maintenance records I think it is a very good place. I was same day surgery so I can not comment on the stay.
I have packing and a catheter and I am taking the pain meds. I go back to Papillion Friday at 0900 hrs to have my catheter out. I will confirm I also see them Monday to have the packing removed.
When I sit to empty the catheter there is some bright red blood. I was told to expect this. I definitely feel the bottom of my vagina was worked on. There is pain even with the Vicodin.
Dr. McGinn, Krystal and the new PA replacing Brianna who is also named Brianna are very nice. I called Laurie and confirmed a 0900 hrs Papillion visit Friday. I did this from recovery bed. OCD.
I am off from work for 2 weeks and I just have enough work to get done for Thursday and Friday which is mandatory. My boss made the next Wednesday Directors meeting mandatory. I will be back at work for at least that one meeting next week. I have my Mac so I will do the purchasing, payroll, invoices and mail from home too. I think I will adjust my vacation days accordingly.
When I removed my piercings and jewelry this morning I realized I wear jewelry now. Little by little I added more over the years to go from nothing to 7 pieces of jewelry all the time. I think I will be getting some more piercings in my ears so I can wear a hoop and stud in each year. Maybe a Cartledge. I saw a beautiful feminine tat in Mean Street tattoo and piercing place near me. If I got another tat which I most likely will some day I know what it will be.
So work did not call me today. Someone from Finances texted me. We were having meetings about the budget and stewardship Monday and Tuesday. It was nice of her to text me good wishes.
I returned home from Papillion. I had a 0900 appointment and I have another Monday at 0930. The catheter was removed and I can shower now but not to direct any water into the vaginal area.
Krystal took out the surrounding packing and left the internal packing. I do not dilate until they see my healing progress Monday.
I am very excited. I have nice labia now and a finished vaginal canal. My hood is awesome and I have deep labia now. I am very happy. Krystal said Dr. McGinn was able to remove most of the scar tissue and put new skin there. They are hoping the graft works, me too.
I have a mandatory meeting I need to attend Wednesday but I will take the full 2 weeks off. I have some extensive rework and grafts I do not want to hurt with excess walking. Wednesday I will check to see If I can park at the building where the meeting is located and have the materials delivered to the meeting. If I can it will save a few miles of walking.
I am a very happy girl today :)
Such great news Rachel, do take I easy and either insist on parking accommodation or use a ride share.
❤️❤️, Glad for you, I will look forward to hearing your results :-)
So happy to hear things are going better Rachel. I have no doubt everything will be fine. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Kendra on April 04, 2018, 06:45:01 AM
Best wishes!
As for the waiting, I suppose that's why the medical field refers to customers as patience... ;)
@ Kendra: A funny but seemingly very TRUE play on words.... and remember too that Doctors have their "practice" ..... we all go to
practicing doctors !!! LOL
The one thing in my life that took a lot more
patience was getting started on my transition journey, starting HRT, and impatiently waiting for significant body changes.... after 3+ years of HRT and going full time a year and a half ago, all I can say is .... IT WAS WELL WORTH IT !!! And my journey continues but with less struggle and more happiness.
Danielle
Lol Danielle and Kendra
Congrats Rachel!! Thanks for sharing every step of the way with us.. we all like to hear that you're happy [emoji4]
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Hi Sadie, Mariah, Danielle and Allison,
Thank you for your support and well wishes.
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So far so good. The pain is dissipating and only slight when I sit down and the red blood has given way to a clearish fluid with a slight red tinge. When I pee it cleans out the vagina pretty well.
I took some pics of the work. I think it looks great and hope everything heals. Dr. McGinn used the excess skin in my crotch area for the graph. I am black and blue and there is a mesh material covering the area.
I had fear moving the urethra would make it difficult to pee. It is super fast now with a strong stream.
Oh, the new PAc is Debbie.
Glad to hear you are happy with the work and that you are progressing. I have a noon appointment there tomorrow. Not sure how it will go.
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 08, 2018, 03:07:51 PM
Glad to hear you are happy with the work and that you are progressing. I have a noon appointment there tomorrow. Not sure how it will go.
Good happening on your appointment but please don't where your bunny suit. They won't hare of it?
LOL Cassie.
Monica, there is a huge difference since the GCS. I am there at 9:30.
I can not do much walking so I do not know if I will be able to find a breakfast place open on a Monday in New Hope at around 10:00.
I am back from Papillion. I can:
go back to work tomorrow,
Shower each day but not rub my vagina when cleaning,
Not exercise until May 4th (also when Dr. McGinn's duck hatch, LOL)
Not dilate another week,
use a q tip to remove any yellow material and expect a little blood.
She said it is about the best we can do to remove the scar tissue. She did not want me to lose much depth. I lost some depth when the vagina was made deeper and the scar tissue was removed. The vagina looks like a vagina now :) . There are a lot of stitches under the skin. She used a lot of the excess skin for the vagina. The whole are looks much better.
Dr. McGinn asked how I felt about my vagina and I said it looks great.
Rachel,
Sorry I missed you, but I did mention to Dr. McGinn that you are a friend. She said, "Oh I just love Rachel, she's such a nice person." You could tell she meant it. I had to agree. I just happened to be there the same day as two of my recovery mates from last June. It was kind of a reunion. I'll post what happened with me on my thread. So glad you are happy with things. She does want you to have a good result.
Monica
Hi Monica, I would have loved to meet up there. Dr McGinn is a special person to me. She has done so much for me.
I had really bad genitals to work with. The first operation got rid of my dysphoria but the vagina and vagina canal were not good. To boot I had a lot of scar tissue and other complications. I had no labia minora and the vagina was shallow. She used my whole glands penis which is now very small. My hood needed work and my urethra needed moving. She did the best she could with the first operation. I showed you my pics when you were in the hospital. They were not good.
Now I look great and I have a nice labia majora and minora. The excess skin is gone as well as the scar tissue. My hood looks robust and when I pee it is really good and it goes to the correct place. I was so scared the peeing would be compromised. I am so very happy 😃
One thing, my labia and vagina are a bit sore. When I pee I do not pat dry the inner vaginal area thoroughly just yet. It is sore and there are stitches, many stitches. The doctor does not want me to pop a stitch and I am sore so I will take it easy. Anyhow, one more week for the stitches and no dilation for one more week. I will be at Papillion next Monday at 9:30.
Friday night I will be going to the Raven in New Hope. Maybe Saturday too. May 4th I can resume physical activities. The Raven has a pool and pool memberships in the summer. I am 193 this morning and my goal is 13 pounds away.
I had tears of joy writing this; it is very emotional.
Greetings, Cynthia.
Thank you for your open, honest and very heartfelt post.
"I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. " - this is me entirely. Yet I have not completely admitted this to anyone else yet and apologized for some of the bad things I've said/done.
What triggered the bomb to go off in my head and for me to finally commit to who I know I have always truly been - was a phone call with my "mother" (and I use the term very loosely) where she confessed that she still despised me and who I was. It gave me a sense of closure, knowing that I can never (and SHOULD NEVER) worry about upsetting her again, and that I should just be ME.
My coping mechanisms in the past are too embarrassing to admit here, but they involved (but are not limited to) cross-dressing (and afterwards feeling shameful and sick for doing so), acting out sexually, drug and alcohol addiction (when I was younger), numerous suicide attempts, and other forms of bad self-soothing behavior.
I have an 18 year old daughter whom I am estranged from (not my choice), she knows nothing about any of this, and I do not know how/when or even if I SHOULD tell her - does she need to know yet? I have no idea.
I am about to start my HRT next month (it was really the soonest I could get in, despite me wanting it to be immediate!), so I am far behind you, but we are ALL on the same (yet slightly different/modified) journey.
I am always here to chat.
Hi Mortis,
I see some similar coping behaviours that we share. Not being who we are causes us to cope and do negative behaviours. I do not know it it an extension of out self hate but I think it is. It took me a lot of time to figure out why I was doing things that hurt myself and a lot off healing. I do know transition for me has brought about a huge change in how I think about myself and how I interact with others.
How you disclose to others and when is completely up to you but I do recommend you talk to a therapist and work it out before just doing it without thinking about the outcomes and have a support system to help you if the outcomes are not good.
I am happy you are working with a doctor and will be on HRT soon. The transition storm is about to come. expressing, documents, name, HRT, coming out and procedures. You have a lot of things on your plate coming up. Remember to breath and not everything needs to be done at once if at all. Take your time.
I am available to talk or type,
Rachel
Hello Rachel. I'm new to the site but I have followed your posts from the beginning. Thank you for letting us into your world and being so candid. Its much appreciated. You look wonderful!
Judi
Hi Judi, thank you for the compliment and support.
I went to work Wednesday, I had a mandatory meeting. I definitely am paying the price. I took picks of the vagina and sent them to Kristal at Papillion on Thursday morning. She thought it would be ok till Monday when I have my scheduled appointment at Papillion. I was really good yesterday and today and stayed off my feet.
With the operation I had there are two angled cuts on either side of my vagina. One is parallel with my legs and the other is angled from the lower portion of my vagina and diagonal up. The 4 cuts are about half as long as the cuts in the crease of my legs from the original GCS. Anyhow, the bottom two cuts really are sensitive, especially when I walk. Also, there is an open part in the lower vagina in the canal entrance and it hurts.
I have made up my mind no matter what I am done with any more vaginal operations. Dr. McGinn did a great job and I am very thankful. I just am done. Maybe it is because I am stir crazy right now. I do have to say the vagina looks very nice and my clitoris is very sensitive and covered very well. Monday I hope to be back on a dilation schedule.
I will be going to the Raven tonight in New Hope an walk very little. There is a meet up there tomorrow tonight and tonight I just want to get out and get something to eat and relax out for a little.
Hang in there!!!!
Hugs
Jen
Jen, good to see you! You, Rachel, and I are all from the same class here at Susan's. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Jen and Devlyn, thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.
Jen, thank you so much for all your help along the way. I got my level 2 FFS insurance denial yesterday. My only recourse is civil action or go through ERISA requesting arbitration. I was thinking Arbitration, any recommendation?
Hi Devlyn, you welcomed me to Susan's and that meant so much to me. I was so fragile back then. Thank you.
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The really painful section is now turning into scar tissue. it will get bigger but hopefully it arrests and stops. From experience in time it will grow from micro cuts in the scar as the area expands. hen it will stop growing when it expands to a point when the scar can resist the force of the tissue stress.
My vagina feels so much better today. I feel good yesterday but today it feels great. I go to Papillion Monday and I will see what they say. The scar tissue spot is small so it is not a huge issue. The pain has subsided.
I will be going back tonight for a mixer at the Raven. I had fun last night nd hope to have more tonight.
Hi,
Email me rules on arbitration.
Hugs
Jen
Hi Jen; I will find out the rules for arbitration and email then to you. It may take me a few days to find them. They mentioned ERISA in the letter. Thank you very much.
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I am emotional right now. So if I write anything depressing I realize it will pass.
I went to Papillion today and had stitches removed. I need to go back next Monday. I have scar tissue forming in the same spot. They expect it to maximize at 4 to 6 weeks. It is how I heal. They gave me injected steroids into the scar tissue. I have to use specific scar strips on the posterior scar. Also 2.5 percent hydroquartizone cream twice a day.
I have labia and a pretty looking vagina. I really like how it looks. Dr. McGinn did a great job. I also have a butt lift because of how she got the skin. There are a lot of stitches inside my skin for my bottom and in my vagina.
My cliterous feels very sensative. This may be from the T cream or the reworked hood or both. It adds a dimention.
I dilated a few hours ago #1 and 4. There was a good bit of blood. I am dilating now but using all 4 dilators. Da, I should have done that before. I got emotional when the blood started and seeing I lost a dot.
My urethra location makes peeing so much better. It goes to the right place and with labia it breaks up the stream.
I got very emotional perhaps because of the pain from the orange dilator. Perhap the blood and perhaps the loss of depth.
Having correct genitals is so very important to me. Having nice looking genitals is something I am just now experiencing. Anything jeopardizing them hurts deeply. For the first time in my life I have genitals that look good.
I injected e earlier so perhaps that may be adding some fuel to the fire.
Happy Monday,
Rachel
Rachel,
You are doing great with a lot of stuff going on. Very happy for your result. She mentioned possibly needing to do a urethral move for me as well if the scar tissue is still an issue. That would mean 3 surgeries again this summer, oh boy!
I do have a question Rachel. When you make an appeal after an initial denial, is that done by you directly or through the doctor's office? I know pre authorization has to go through doctor. I need to appeal and am not sure what the procedure for doing it is.
If it feels bad down there, go check your original surgery recovery pictures. I did that today and can't believe it looked that bad. This is nothing compared to that. Hang in there. Hugs
Moni
Rachel, great you can now see that you look like a cis woman as you want. You are now peeing as they do. Sorry that you l lost some depth, is it possible that dilating can help recover this depth?
Hi Monica, appeals can be done either by the medical practioners or by you or by a layer for you. Start by reading the appeals process in your plan. JLT is very knowledgeable on the process.
My original result compared to now is night to day. Removal of the scar tissue resulted in some depth loss. Kristal measured 5 inches so not bad. I am very happy with the rework. Lots of things were going through my head last night. The original pics were really bad but what the doc had to work with was not great. She basically made me down there.
MM, I do not know if I will regain depth. It took a lot of work to get the depth I had. Right now as I dilate with Orange it takes my breath away. You are right, I have a lot to be thankful for. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Being able to freely pee in itself is awesome.
Hi Rachel, I've been following you for a long time. It's been a long and hard journey but now you can see the results. Thank you for the encouragement you are to others here.
Mary
Hi Mary, thank you for the support and compliment.
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I am a lot better today. I went to work. I needed to be around people and busy. One more day at home and I think my depression would have been worse.
I had a phone session with my therapist. She recommended I contact Papillion and ask them about acupuncture for scar reduction. It really helped to talk to her. I need to find social groups to interact with and find friends to do things with. I need to move on to then the phase of my life.
Rachel, thank you so much for sharing your journey and for being so open and transparent. We are here for you, and are incredibly proud of and inspired by your courage.
Hugs
Karen
Hi Karen, thank you for the compliment. It is I that is thankful for all the people here at Susan's.
Quote from: Rachel on April 17, 2018, 02:40:42 AM
Hi Monica, appeals can be done either by the medical practioners or by you or by a layer for you. Start by reading the appeals process in your plan. JLT is very knowledgeable on the process.
My original result compared to now is night to day. Removal of the scar tissue resulted in some depth loss. Kristal measured 5 inches so not bad. I am very happy with the rework. Lots of things were going through my head last night. The original pics were really bad but what the doc had to work with was not great. She basically made me down there.
MM, I do not know if I will regain depth. It took a lot of work to get the depth I had. Right now as I dilate with Orange it takes my breath away. You are right, I have a lot to be thankful for. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Being able to freely pee in itself is awesome.
Rachel,
Having a brain fart, 'JLT' ?
Rachel! You look wonderful! I looked at your first couple of posts here on this thread and then realized it was over 70 pages long, so I skipped to the end and I'm just so happy with your progress! It makes me smile to see that you've endured so much and have become a stronger woman. You give hope and inspiration to the newbies, like me, so thank you!!
~Ashley
I read this entire thread twice, and doing so literally changed my point of view. Seeing step by step how raw the world is, the terrible pain and then joy of transition, clawing ones way to a better life. The definition of ambition. When I joined Susan's this thread is the first one I bookmarked.
Hi Ashley, I a glad the post help others. I know they have helped me :) Thank you for the compliment.
One of the best pieces of advise my first therapist said to me was to look at today and not down the road. I was overwhelmed and struggling to stay alive or find reasons to stay alive that were more compelling than the alternative. Things that I do now feel like such a privilege. Just picking my work outfit for the day is fun.
Kendra, I am so happy the posts helped in some way. I have to say I have learned so much from you. I wish I had know now what I did not know 5 year ago. One thing was your experience's and how you traveled to foreign countries to get the work you wanted done. You definitely have some of the most informative VFS and FFS posts I have seen.
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Today I went back to dilating 1 per day. Wow, that is a huge difference. Tomorrow I will skip the #2 dilator and just use 1,3 and 4. There is no blood and dilation is much easier.
I am going back to Papillion Monday for more steroid injection. I want to discuss massage (for me to do on the scar tissue) and acupuncture for scar reduction. I want to find out if they know of anyone that will do acupuncture at the vagina bottom and entrance of the vaginal canal. I showed my current vagina pic to a trans woman friend that is post op too. She said wow it looks very good. That was on day 15 post op.
The posterior stitch line is painful to sit. The inner butt is painful to sit for periods of time and the vaginal canal entrance is painful to sit on the toilet. Other than that I am good to go. I have a lot of stitches internal to the butt and in the vagina and vaginal canal. I am definitely tighter down there, :)
Happy Friday :)
Back from Papillion.
The steroid injection helped a lot for the healing. I had more injections today and will see them again May 31 ( my birthday) or sooner if the scar tissue contracts. The scars are much softer and it looks good. I had a lot of stitched removed from my vagina. I can not get over how good it looks.
I CAN EXERCISE NOW :) :) :)
One issue, because I had a lot of skin repositioned the skin between my legs where it comes together is new to this and can chafe easy. Dr. McGinn recommended glide.
OK, I need to get back on track with weight loss. I am about 190 to 194 depending on time of day. Mornings I am lighter. I look ok but need to lose 10 more pounds.
I am glad I took this journey. I was so scared in the beginning. I had to become me with so many negative influences confronting me. I did not know what me was but I knew I had do get away from him.
Today is a good day.
Hi everyone
reading about the scarring. It is not my experience with steroids that they are overly effective to reduce scarring. I have heard of a drug used to reduce scarring in eye surgery 5FU. I am still a bit tight do to a corrective procedure for a prolapse vag and the Doctor is using botox in an attempt to avoid further surgery.
hope everyone here is well
cheers Mali
Glad to hear your making progress Rachel. Yeah, I have weight to lose too. I hope everything keeps going well for you now. Hugs
Mariah
Hi Mali and Mariah, thank you for your support.
I went to the park and hiked 7 miles with a 60 pound pack Saturday . When I got home my vagina was a little swollen in places . My scar and skin where my legs rub hurt and was inflamed. All is better today and tomorrow all will be well.
The bottom of my vaginal canal and where it meets the vagina have scar tissue. It is still forming. May 15 to June 15 will be when I expect the scar tissue to contract. I can deal with it and I will get through it. I was hoping there would be no scar tissue this time.
Tomorrow I go to Houston. I will restart squats and planks and pushups. If I can walk the steps in the fire tower I will do that. I hope they gave a gym.
I can not wait for you he warm humid weather of Houston.
Hi Rachel,
Girl I don't know how you can do it. You are a glutton for punishment I guess. You are amazing. Have a good trip to Houston.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie, thanks for the support. I have been taking it easy. I am super tired from the trip. I did steps today but I need to start back with planks, pushups and squats. I think I may be able to start squats soon as healing is going well.
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Post conference thoughts:
I am at 190 pounds and will start back or focused eating and increased exercise. I gained no weight since the operation :)
Having confidence is a big part of being accepted. Owning your space is huge in being left to live your life as you see fit.
Of the thousands of people I came into contact with I am really happy in how I have been treated. I have been treated well overall. Houston went very well and I am really happy in how I was treated.
A few years ago I remember I was growing my hair out before I came out. The group was touring a proton particle accelerator construction sight. There are multiple levers and concrete walls 8 feel thick. The main gallery where the beam is directed is fantastic. Well, we were gong from the lowest level up a level. One of the Directors or VP's pushed me from behind and said let the girl go first. They all laughed and I just walked up the steps. They did not know I was in transition and I was not out. Fast forward 3 or 4 years and I am treated very well. Maybe before I came out I did not fit the picture of a male Senior Director with long hair. Now I fit the picture of a female Director. There are about 5 or 6 of us in the country in our industry. As far trans 1 in the country in my industry.
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Voice :
I called the OR scheduler and insurance person at Dr. Sataloff's office to make sure he put into Aetna my OR request for coverage. He had not. He was to do that last week. He said he would do it today. Guess who I am calling tomorrow.
I still have not asked my daughter if she would pick me up from the hospital. I could do what I did last time which is have someone from work pick me up and drop me off at the parking garage and drive home. This weekend I will ask her. I need to at least give her the opportunity to support me. It is OK if she can not support me but I need to give her the room to grow.
Voice
If this does not work out well I do not know what I will do. I am really thinking this over.
Voice
I had my last voice pathologist session before the glottoplasty on May 14. My pitch goes between 160 to 210 hrz, mostly in 170 - 180 range. Toward the end of the day my voice gets a bit raspy. It is because I am not keeping my toung forward, throat open and using enough air.
Anyhow, my daughter is working on next Monday. I did not ask her about transportation from the hospital. I asked a co-worker to pick me up and take me to the parking lot.
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I think I am at the end of my surgery road. I may do some minor cosmetic work later but nothing drastic. Perhaps I am hiding behind operations. Excuses for not living or reasons to grasp at straws for alignment. Either way I need to move on and past my state of limbo. I need to take a chance on meeting someone.
I have been discussing future partner types with my therapist. I had always imagined being with a guy. In the past 10 months since I was divorced I had thoughts of finding a guy to be with. I even started PrEP. I know where to go to find a guy to hook up with but I want someone to share things with, car rides, dinners, museums, shore, hiking, my hobby and more. My therapist has posed different types of persons I might consider being with. A lesbian, Pan, trans woman or trans man in addition to a man. I started thinking of how I feel about this and truth be said I much more prefer a companion regardless of who they are. Sexually speaking I would prefer a guy but just for sex; although, I can imagine how it could work with people other than guys with a penis. Funny how all my life I wanted my genitals off and wanted a penis in me. Now I have what I wanted and stall on fulfilling my destiny, why.
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This is really vain, so please do not judge me.
Today at the voice pathologist office he had me practice making sounds while looking in the mirror and then pointing out the things I need improvement. This is so I can see and feel what of occurring. Anyhow, I was looking in the mirror. I thought I need to do something with the buccal fat and lift my brow arch with pencil. Then I thought if I do that I could be pretty cute. I like my hair and my face is not bad for a soon to be 56 year old. I thought wow from some guy looking back in the mirror to a not too bad looking woman. Not beautiful but not bad, average. I know vain, but these were my thoughts. I really need to practice my facial movements and expressions in the mirror.
Hi Rachel,
Congrats on the last voice lesson and good luck with the operation. I hope you heal quickly and have the results you want to get from it.
Now the companion, partner, Fwb, mate, however you want to say it. I have had my own eyes opened recently in that area. I said I was a lesbian because I cannot imagine myself living with a man as a long term companion. I will admit to sex fantasies but have never taken it beyond that. I had not really thought it through what it meant to be a lesbian. Again it sounded logical to me but no experience with it at all. Well, I had my companion ideas tested recent when I was grabbed after a hug and kissed on the lips. I was shocked but found I liked it. I hung around for a bit and she did it again after I hugged her again. This time I knew I liked it and wanted more but my mind was churning with all sorts of thoughts that I do not need to go into here.
With my mind going a mile a minute I got in my pickup and left. As I said I liked it so why was my mind in such a turmoil? It was because this was out of my realm of experience. I was kissed not once but twice by my now girlfriend
@Michelle_P . Another transwoman like me and a declared lesbian. I had never thought of this scenario when it came to myself. My idea of a lesbian relationship was me with a cis-woman. How's that for being transphobic? To make it worse is the transphobic thought that had flashed through my head... "OMG I've just been kissed by another man" I am ashamed of that thought. It was quickly replaced with the truth that neither Michelle nor I are men. I thought about what had happened and my feelings about it all of the 600+ miles home. The result of that pondering is that I liked kissing Michelle, I wanted to kiss her more. Michelle and myself are women and our relationship is a lesbian relationship. And lastly it is okay.
I really did not "know" that I am a lesbian until that kiss. I am happy to be in a lesbian relationship with Michelle. It is okay to me to be a transwoman in a lesbian relationship. I know these things now.
Your therapist is right Rachel. Don't go limiting yourself to men only. There are all those other possibilities and they are also okay to try. Find what works for you, you may surprise yourself. I wish you luck in love Hun.
Hugs,
Laurie
Rachel, allow that taking the plunge to dating isn't a small thing, for me it's been hayuge. I've had a really rough spring, it's sapping my energy however I've remained committed to dating, getting what I can from my long term relationship, my long distance relationship which has proved to be far more difficult than I'd hoped (promised visits have either been brief or not happened. On top of that there's a woman I'm pursuing who's now out of the country again for an indeterminate time.
I'm spending all the time I can manage at lesbian / queer gatherings, meeting women and using dating apps, HER, tinder and OKC. So far those have felt like a real crapshoot and I prefer in person but I have landed a coffee date for tomorrow with a cute butch lesbian so who knows, maybe that's going on be the start of a new direction.
It's not easy, however the option is being lonely.
Hi Laurie, thank you for sharing your experiences and perspective. I hope you and Michelle are happy.
I agree, keeping an open mind is important as-well-as allowing for new and varied experience. I guess I am heading for some relationship in the future, with whom and how they identify is yet to be seen. I guess for me companionship, not being ashamed of me and doing things together are the most important. If and how we express our love is less important.
Hi Sadie, thank you for sharing your experiences on dating and finding dates. I agree, the alternative is being alone. I have been with someone or living under someone's roof for all but the last 4 months. Lonely can be a much better place than some alternatives I experienced. I agree, getting out there is the only way to connect. I need to get out there when I am ready.
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On dating, I have been giving it some thought. I think I need to get out to places I like to go and not so much be concerned about finding someone just yet. I have three things I really enjoy. One is my hobby. I need to rejoin two places I use to go and just enjoy my hobby. 2) exercise. I think doing meet ups for rucking or walking with a weighted pack and or hiking would be a great way to meet people. As far as looking to meet someone for the expressed intent of dating, I think I am not ready for that.
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Voice,
I have a glottoplasty scheduled for Monday. I need to be at the hospital at 0600. I will have someone drive me back to my car and I will hang there and eat and rest and later in the day drive home. I know I will be fine. The anesthesia wears off of me very quickly and I recover very well.
I wonder if I am doing the right thing by going to the surgeon I am going to. He is highly regarded and a recognized authority. However, he is not Dr. Kim. Not that Dr. Kim is any better or worse but while reading so many trans voice stories perhaps I have convinced myself that Dr. Kim is the best and the rest are a lower standard. I think I have come to terms and think I have made a very good choice.
________________________
TRIGGER WARNING - Mental health
_______________________
Through work they have a program where if you do an on-line survey and health screening you save $50/pay in insurance bi-weekly premium cost. They offer a health coach. I have a monthly session and we make goals on fitness and weight loss and behavior modification. Pretty much a long term 15 minute a month goal plan and behavior change plan. So far so good.
Well, the last time I had a 15 minute health coach telephone consult she recommended I participate in a new program for on-line counselling. I said fine. I had my intake today and it was 45 minutes of questions. History and then a lot of things about depression, self harm and suicide and suicidal ideation. That was difficult and I had tears running down my face toward the end. At a point the armor got breached and the questions hit home and I became emotional.
I am in no danger of self harm.
With my therapist and with the health coach and the intake today I really have to guard what I say. If I say how I feel and how I deal with my past and how I feel about myself I fear being involuntarily committed. There are things I do not share here. I deal with the issues. I have made significant progress and am much stronger now than I have been in 44 years. I am doing well but expressing how I cope and the issues and the line I get to could cause some to think I may do something. Well I haven't in 44 years and things are getting better. I am learning a lot about myself and I am starting to like myself for who I am.
I know it will pass. I know I have gotten through it in the past. I know if I sleep I will feel better. I know I have come a long way and I can fight back the memories and feelings with the truth of how I have become myself the best I can. I try for forgive my parents. I some day will forgive myself but there is a lot of anger there. Anger in what I can not change and anger in failure to be myself in the past. Anger of putting up a façade and anger in making a façade that involved others and hurting them.
Anyhow, perhaps this will work out ok. Perhaps this program will show me some skills or a different tact.
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Vagina.
I am pleased with how the revision has turned out. I have some scar tissue I am dealing with. It is on the outside of the vagina at the lower entrance. Other than that, I am healing very well. I did 7 miles in the park today with a 60 pound pack and have a little discomfort from my underwear rubbing the bottom on my vagina. Other than that I am good to go :) . Great feeling.
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On a side note, I make the best granola. When I perfect the recipe to my liking ( close) I will share the recipe. This is really good and super healthy.
Hi Rachel!
I have learned so much reading through this thread. Inspiring, honest, and very very real. Thank you for sharing everything that you have. I imagine it has helped a lot of people. My best to you.
xoxoxo
Alyssa
Hi Alyssa, thank you. The thread is like therapy. I deposit my thoughts feelings and transition travels. I hope it can help someone.
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I is 5:30 am and I am in the Hahnemann outpatient waiting room. At 6 am they will escort us up to the 3rd floor outpatient pre-op waiting area. At least that is what occurred in December.
I feel nervous. I wonder how things will turn out. I wonder how I can not talk for weeks. I know in next Monday I will be at Dr. Sataloff's office to make a few sounds as I am scoped. I expect that to occurs once a week for three weeks on Mondays.
I am scheduled to inject estrogen today. When I am at the end of my cycle I can smell extreamly well. I M in a waiting room with 12 others and the smells are a bit much. How can people still smoke, especially before a procedure. I can smell the cigarette smoke on their cloths and it is gross. I can not deliver I use to smoke.
I brought some drinks and home made granola and left it in a cooler in my car.
Up in the per-waiting room now. Too bad they do not video the operation, that would be cool.
Rachel, best wishes. My month without talking wasn't as bad as anticipated. But I sure learned to appreciate something we take for granted.
Your thread has helped so many others. Your experiences became a factor that pushed me to finally see a gender therapist, start HRT and get started on my transition. My life has been getting so much better from that point on.
Hi Kendra, I m very happy for you. From you posts and pics I can tell you are on the right path.
I have a few questions for you. I am at the cvs pharmacy getting a pain script filled. My neck and back of my head hurt. I guess they moved that a bit during the operation. My tongue feel like they used some tool to pull on it. Of course my throat hurts. Did you have the same pain? How do you clear your throat? I push air out. Not too effective. I havd a headache which I guess is expected.
Food, I was told not hot and not spicy. Any suggestions?
Funny thing as I was in pre-op. The nurse took me to the bathroom and insisted I pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. I assured her 4 or 5 time I was 100% sure I was not pregnant. She insisted and I told her I am trans and she said ok. That felt so incredibly good.
Well that is certainly validation if you were ever looking for it! You look beautiful, believe it.
Judi
Thank you so much 😀😀
Quote from: Rachel on May 14, 2018, 12:08:53 PM
> I have a few questions for you. I am at the cvs pharmacy getting a pain script filled. My neck and back of my head hurt. I guess they moved that a bit during the operation. My tongue feel like they used some tool to pull on it. Of course my throat hurts. Did you have the same pain? How do you clear your throat? I push air out. Not too effective. I havd a headache which I guess is expected.
I didn't have any substantial pain when I woke up from vocal surgery, just a slight pain when swallowing, no worse than a bad cough would cause. By the next day that was just an odd tickling sensation when swallowing, then gone within two days. I remember a slight headache at first but that went away in a few minutes.
To clear my throat I found sometimes the opposite would help - instead of pushing air out with mouth open, kept my mouth closed and swallow to clear it.
My tongue didn't hurt. I know what tongue pain feels like - I had my tongue pierced years ago and almost forgot to remove it before my most recent surgery.
Thanks Kendra, the pain is subsiding. I found that swallowing a little water several times works. If I need to cough I just exhale ( one time and I just got through it). The headache and neck ache must have been from positioning and it is getting better. I took a pain pill codeine (helps with coughing and pain) and Tylenol.
Kendra, did you notice breathing is different? Maybe it will subside but right now I feel breathing has some restriction. When you exercise do you notice a difference in breathing pressure? I never thought to ask about that. When I do 33 flights of steps or climb a steep hill with a 60 pound pack I use a good volume of air. I would hate to struggle to breath. I breath deep now so breathing under exercise stress is very important.
I got home and slept for 4 or 5 hours, best thing.
The hound dog has been real sweet. He senses something is different. He is a super loving dog. I am glad I have him. When I got him the research vet told me to have him on a specific food. My ex wanted him on some other food. I got a bag of his old food and put it next to the food he has now and he loves his old food. I got him a 50 pound bag of his old food.
I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Sataloff for 1.5 weeks from now. No talking. I have a feeling I will not be allowed to talk for a month. I guess after the first week it will become easier. I really need to take a pad of paper in my purse.
Soup and soft food is the best. Avoid anything dry as it tends to stick on the way down and make you want to cough. As for pain, everything, teeth, tongue and throat hurt after my surgery. The doctor said I had a very stiff neck and he needed to use force in order to get the correct angle for the surgery. That was another reason for soft food as my teeth had been banged around and it hurt to chew food. After a few weeks, things returned to normal and I returned to normal food.
Also try to sleep with your mouth closed. The best approach for me was to sleep on my side and use the pillow to block my mouth closed. I also sleep with a glass of water by the side of my bed just incase I wake with a dry mouth from sleeping with my mouth closed.
Thank you Dena, that helps to reassure me. I still have a small head and upper neck ack. Much less than earlier but still there. My throat is sore now but better than before.
I planned on being off tomorrow and I will see about Wednesday.
How long after the operation were you allowed to walk a few miles or exercise. When exercising I try to quiet my mind and focus on breathing.
I was walking as soon as I was out of the hospital. There was no mouth breathing and I carried a bottle of water to deal with any urge to cough. My daily walk is about 2 miles and I didn't push it. Your regular workout probably should wait about 6 weeks putting you out to the point where the sutures have dissolved and most of the healing is done.
The warning I received is you don't want the surgical site to dry out and you risk that if you breath through your mouth. It's probably a little worst here in Arizona because the humidity reaches 8% so even the bread in your sandwich can dry out before your finished eating it.
I didn't notice any difference in breathing after VFS, or any problems walking and wandering around the city within a day of surgery.
A small notepad and pen is essential. Cindy recommended a text to speech app, Talk to Me for iPhone (not available on Android, but similar apps are). The app worked great.
Thank you so much , Dena and Kendra.
I cut the front lawn today and stopped 3 times. I did not want my heart rate to elevate and breath hard. I can feel a bit of increased air pressure at higher rates of breathing. Perhaps this if from swelling and will go away. 29 days to go :)
I think it is 85 degrees and humid today but I have been drinking fluids. I plan on a walk in a few minutes.
I just loaded voice app, thanks.
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Head ach and neck ach are gone. My tongue is 95% better with one spot still sore. They definitely held it down with something.
My throat definitely is better and just feels sore when I swallow. Not bad just a little sore and getting better.
Hi Rachel,
I'm sorry. I've been in my own head lately and missed the surgery. I and glad it seems to have gone okay so fay and glad the pain has lessened. I see you're trying to over do it. Somehow that figures. Slow down girl take it easy on yourself. Give it a chance to heal well before pushing it. I am happy for you Rachel.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie, thank you.
I think I will go to work tomorrow. I am very board and it is my social outlet. I am very much routine driven and being home is difficult. My head and neck is fine. My tongue is still a bit sore in two spots. I have a light sore throat and some mucous. Other than that all is well, other than not being able to speak.
Not talking has been a new experience.
I went to work Friday. It was odd as I could not speak but it worked out fine. I used a cell phone app and it was ok (thanks Kendra and Cindy). Some people talked louder at work but most just spoke normal. I felt so much better being at work than home.
I went to an event today and it was odd. I purchased a pretzel and diet coke. I handed them $10.00 and she repeated 3 times $6.00. Then she counted the 4 dollars change several times in front of me. She spoke to me very loud. I purchased several items at the show. People were nice but they repeated themselves several times and spoke loud.
So far so good without speaking. I have an appointment with my doctor Tuesday and am very interested in how I am healing, if he was able go get the tie equal on either side and what my couple of first sounds are like( I think he will have me make a few sounds).
My tongue is still sore where they grabbed it . It is still a bit swollen and a little painful to pressure but getting better.
My throat is still a bit sore, more so on my right side than left. When I swallow there is just the slightest of pain. 5 days from the operation and I would rate it 90% pain free. I did 5 miles walking today, mostly at the event, and when I picked up the pace in the parking lot (it was raining) I felt pressure when I increased my breathing. I wonder what the % tie he used on me. It could be in my head but if it is not that will take some getting use to. I will inquire about the % tie and when I can exercise.
So my ex texted me and invited me out for an early birthday dinner present next Saturday. I have not seen my daughter for 2 weeks and neither know I had vocal surgery. I will need to text her (them) and let her know I had vocal surgery and that I will not be able to speak. Perhaps she will postpone or not do the birthday dinner all together.
I saw the vocal surgeon today. They did the scope down the throat. The web looks good and the stitches are all holding. They are covered by white tissue. My vocal fold area is still swollen. Making two sounds and speaking a few words was at a very low tone and did not sound good. He said it sounded great at this stage
The doctor said everything was healing very nicely. He wants me to speak 10 minute an hour. He said it would help the site where the web is located. The tone is very low.
The doctor said to not do any heavy lifting or heavy exercise. He said any grunting or heavy stress on the web could still break the stitches. I see him again in 3 weeks and start voice therapy at his practice in 2 weeks.
I had glottoplasty on 5/14/2018 and had my doctors visit on 5/21/2018.
The last two pics are from after my cricoidthyroid subluxation ( put cricoid cartledge behind and above the thyroid cartledge and sutured in place. ). That procedure stretches the vocal folds. Prior to the operation my hz was 130 as measured at Dr. Sataloff's office. That is my base. After the procedure my HZ was 160 but in a 3 month timeframe is was at 170. My timbre to me sounded male from recordings.
The first three pics are one week after the glottoplasty. I have mucous on the vocal fold area and I am swollen. I believe the web is 50% or perhaps more from looking at the pics. I will ask the doctor in 3 weeks when I see him next. I will also ask him to verify he used micro instruments. He said he would. I guess if he did not it would be a mute point (LOL).
I am supposed to speak 10 minutes an hour which I do not on the weekends as there is no one to talk to. One thing that has been great is that it has been super humid since the operation.
The doctor did a battery of tests on my throat area prior to the cricoidthyroid subluxation including an MRI with and without contrast, ultrasound, shooting my throat with electrical charges and viewing the effect for nerve damage and recording my vocal folds vibrate while making sounds. He said my right vocal fold is a little slower than my left vocal fold. Anyhow, my right vocal fold has a little pain still associated with it still. It hurt very much for a few days after the operation.
The doctor said the most difficult part of the operation of aligning the vocal folds such that it provides symmetry and having a sharp edge where the sutures join.
https://imgur.com/a/8QfEsC0 (https://imgur.com/a/8QfEsC0)
I will post more pics as the vocal folds heal.
Aetna paid close to $70,000 ($64,000 to the hospital) for the first operation and $52,000 for the glottoplasty. This does not include the speech pathology and follow up visits or pre and post op testing. I just wanted them to pay 80% of doctor Kim's cost and I would pay for food, air fair and hotel. Aetna refused. I considered going South Korea and paying for it all out of pocket. In the end I chose a different path. My cost is $25 for speech pathology office visits which is my co-pay. Both the Hospital and the Doctor's practice is in network.
My voice is hoarse, which I was told is to be expected. I do notice two things. One my pitch is very high (horse but high) as measured on the fine tuner. It is just an app on my cell phone. My original base pitch on my app measured 135 hz while at Dr. Sataloff's office their instruments measured 130 hz. I do not know how the fine tuner's accuracy trends as pitch goes up. Post cricoidthyroid subluxation my base was 160 hz originally. In three months 165 hz and after 6 months 170 hz base. I had thoughts of cancelling the glottoplasty wondering if I would get to 180 or 190 hrz which would have been close enough for me.
The second thing I notice when I talk the air is felt at the back (top in the pics) of the vocal folds. It projects into the nasal passage without effort, sort of odd feeling.
The web should be no more than 50%. Any more than that and the voice sounds unnatural. As long as you have swelling in your vocal cords, your voice is going to sound off. The cords have a rather complex vibration pattern that you can see about half way down this page (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vocal_folds) and until they are free of all swelling, the voice will sound a little off. Some people take as little as 6-8 weeks and I took a whole lot longer for the voice to get where it should be.
Quote from: Dena on May 14, 2018, 11:08:05 PM
It's probably a little worst here in Arizona because the humidity reaches 8% so even the bread in your sandwich can dry out before your finished eating it.
Hi Dena, 29 May 20118
Was reading this thread and came to your post. Love the humidity (about as low as it can go) and your sandwich comment (funny). My kind of humidity; wish we had it here.
Best Always, Love,
Christine
Hi Dena, thank you. I think it will take a while longer to see how the healing goes. From the vocal link provided the vocal fold animation is like in intricate dance. I am impatient.
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I just got back from Papillion to have the revision work checked out. I had some granulation treated. There is a spot in the front that I guess was a flap that healed but you can put a silver nitrate stick through it. Great if I wanted a piercing there. She treated it with silver nitrate. If it does not heal she will remove the piece.
I asked Debbie if Dr. McGinn was going to bill my insurance for the revision work. Debbie said she does not bill for that, only the Anesthesia and hospital are paid. She also said the doctor wants her patients to be happy with her work. I said I am very happy :)
When The PA-c was treating me she first measured my depth. She measured 4.25 inches. Then she did the speculum inspection. She said I have a lot more depth then the cotton tipped stick can measure because it curves upward. Then she asked basically how big a penis can fit, in a fumbling way. I said I have not had sex yet. I explained I did not feel comfortable with myself until after I had the revision surgery. Now I am comfortable and will be able to be with a guy.
(Doctor McGinn did a great job. I really had very little to work with and what I had not have much in the way of vascular support. The first procedure made the vaginal canal and made a vagina that was shallow. My whole glands penis was used and remained in the same location. The doctor removed about 0.5 inches of material from the shaft. The office procedure one week after the GCS close me up. My graft had survived the first week about 75%. The procedure 1.5 years after GCS made the vaginal canal deep and my hood was made robust. Material between my vagina and vaginal canal was removed and the bottom of my vagina was finished. Also, my urethra was repositioned to the correct location. I am done with my vagina, perhaps some tattooing at Papillion in the future )
So I see them in a month. I think that will be the last visit. I may get some lip injections then and perhaps some vaginal tattooing next year.
I may be coming to an end of my surgeries. Although, India may be in my future for some lower face tightening and some fat removal from the jowls and tummy. I could go bigger on the boobs and I could get one more round of hair grafts. I think my hair look pretty good and my boobs are nice so that may be me just obsessing. Anyhow, no more procedures for a while.
I need to see my therapist next week and go to group. I think I am ready to now focusing on guys. I am attracted to a type of guy which really gets me hot. There are other guys that are pleasing but this one type of guy really gets me going. I will need to talk to my therapist about that.
I have a transman friend at work. I need to invite him and his wife over for dinner. They are really nice to me. His wife offered to go out with me and take me to places where the type of guy I like are located. She said it would be no problem finding a guy for me and that is a bit scary. I am thinking of inviting them over next weekend for dinner.
Tomorrow I will see my therapist for the first time in about a month due to the glottoplasty. I will also go to electrolysis and group. I am excited to see my friends and find out how they are doing.
I had to call UPS today. I am hoarse and low in volume. I never gave my first name but was gendered female.
When I sneeze it sounds much more soft.
I never measured my breasts after my BA but I may have grown a tad up top. I have lost about 20 pounds since I had this one top on and now it is just a bit too tight in the breast area. How can this be??
Some issues I am dealing with
So I am a little depressed my voice will never come back and I will be stuck in this state. I know give it time but it is very worrisome. Be patient.
I think my breasts are a bit too separated. I think about another BA and wider implants to reduce or eliminate the separation.
I wonder why I have not hooked up yet. Part of me wants to test drive my new equipment. Part of me is shy and part of me has given up on having a special friend. I have a bunch of insecurities, height, voice, face body and being different. How do I find someone that likes me for me and will feel comfortable being with me in public and their family?
I think about a scene in Dune when he can not see the future and wakes up from a dream and says he needs to drink the water of life. This case the water of like if taking the risk to find someone and start a new beginning, to trust another and believe I am whole when I feel less than whole. I feel those that are nice to me is because I am seen as different and they feel sorry for me.
I do not think there is anything I can do to make myself feel whole with surgeries or any amount of time the E can change me to feel whole. Maybe it is the way I see myself and I am the issue and others are treating me as anyone else.
I guess it boils down to love yourself before you can love another.
Quote from: Rachel on June 06, 2018, 07:24:07 PM
I do not think there is anything I can do to make myself feel whole with surgeries or any amount of time the E can change me to feel whole. Maybe it is the way I see myself and I am the issue and others are treating me as anyone else.
I guess it boils down to love yourself before you can love another.
You are onto something here, Rachel.
In our lives, and in transition, we are often hurt by those we trusted, and harmed or rejected by those we engage with. We learn to not trust, to avoid engaging, and so set ourselves apart from the universe of possibilities.
As we near the end of our medical and social transitions, we need to invite ourselves to return to a state where life is more whole, to find our way back to that world, refocusing our sense of what is wanted and what is needed. It's not yet another surgery or a new medication that we are craving, but a return to the center of who we are and what we want in our lives. This restoration and renewal is something that is difficult to express, but vital to our lives.
Even as we have learned to not trust, to not engage, now we must reverse this isolation, trust and engage in the spirit of possibility. We often speak of our paths through our transitions. This, I think, is what comes next, a path not of transition but of renewal.
We need to examine the paths before us, and choose this path of renewal, becoming open to the possibilities if we can only engage and trust the universe around us, open ourselves up a bit to find a state where life could eventually be more whole.
I apologize for not being able to express this better, but I am new to this place, this state, myself and am just now re-learning to engage and trust in the universe, and discover the possibilities for a more whole and happy life. It's not terribly clear, but there seems to be a better state that I am moving toward.
Hi Rachel,
The two pieces of advice I can give you is:
1) Find a specialist consultant through your local GP. Even if they refuse to offer you transgender-related treatment they should be able to refer you.
2) Try not to self-medicate. Though in reality, this is easier said than done. I'd be lying if said I hadn't spent £100's on dodgy estrogen pills while I waited for my first appointment. But I also experienced severe side effects: stomach cramps, lightheadedness, uneven breast development, and almost passing out on several occasions. The worry of developing blood clots due to the lack of specialist guidance probably turned me into a hypochondriac too.
Good luck,
anastasia x
Hi Michelle, I am so glad you have a significant other. You both look so happy and I am very happy for you
both.
I agree, I need to get out and just be myself in as many public venues as possible. Cis and trans and LRBT type events as possible. I also have a few places I want to go this summer for fun and I have a few new goals. All of which are fun, creativity and adventure related. I do need some advise in making a dipole and from what I have read you are quite the authority.
Hi Anastasialea, Thank you for your advise. I too started out doing a little self medication and I inject a little earlier than the bottle says but my doctor knows. I follow my medications pretty closely with the exception of E and that is a bit sooner than officially prescribed buy my doctor knows. My e prescription was never lowered from pre-op to post op so it is high.
I see my therapist and I have two special therapist I am enrolled with through Aetna in phone consultations. They are for high risk people. One helps me to make goals ( the get out in public events is a goal in my goal plan). The other is a therapist that accesses my depression and self harm potential and gives me a depression and self harm objective questions and scores the result. We work on the depression issues and I really think she is there to access self harm potential. As soon as possible (8 weeks more) I will end the special therapists sessions and just keep with my therapist.
One of the things that is difficult is the self harm questions. There two special therapist ask some really difficult questions, questions difficult to verbalize. I really feel horrible when I am done their special sessions. I think I may end the sessions before the committed time frame.
_______________________________
I went to lunch with my ex today. When she walked into the house she made a comment about my shorts. Something to the effect that if I had an ass those shorts are so short it would be hanging out. They are 5 inch inseam shorts. I recognized the comment and then thought I am so glad I am not continuously exposed to that any more. Anyhow lunch was good and the weather was beautiful. I enjoyed myself.
Tomorrow I am in the pride parade with work and I will be working a table at Penn's Landing. That should be fun. I have to meet someone in King of Prussia at 0900 and then back to Philly to the gayborhood.
I do thermolysis 1 hour a week on Tuesdays and blend 1 hour a week on Thursdays. I really dislike not shaving an area. I use hair trimmers to maintain the required length but not have hair any longer than needed.
Voice is a bit stronger but I am still breathy and low volume.
I marched with work at the Philly Pride parade and helped at a work booth at Penn's Landing the entire event.
The parade started and a guy from work waved to me on the side line. He followed the group a block then joined in the group. He asked if it was ok if he joined and I said absolutely. About half way to Penn's Landing he said to me, I was watching the parade groups form from my apartment. He said I was looking out and said to myself I need to get out there and join in. Then he said he needs to get out more and take risks and join in events. He said he needs to get out there and socialize with people.
When I saw him and watched him follow the work group from the sides lines. I though that is nice of him. When he walked with me I thought he was there giving me support. When he disclosed he basically is lonely and isolated and needs to get out with people I was blown away.
At my last therapy session my therapist told me that divorcing and starting over is very difficult for may people and I am not alone. Transitioning and losing your family is very difficult and I am not alone. She said combining the two and it is very difficult to cope for many people. She said I need to go to as many events I can in Philly or New Hope and just mingle and be myself.
The point of the Pride parade and after events is about community, about feeling good about my gender and sexuality while all my life I felt so incredibly bad about myself. Today I learned I am not alone and there are many people that are alone and struggling and want to be more social or find social outlets and that special person or people.
Rachel he might have admitted he was lonely but he saw you and recognized that he too needed to get out and take risks. Sound familiar? You're doing fine. He's not taking anywhere near the risk we take, but good for him. See, you can be a role model too.
Transitioning and divorcing can be terribly difficult and I'm sorry to hear you are in this spot but from what you write, I think you're certainly making progress. Get out and be you!
Judi
Hi Judi, Thanks for your support. I agree I am making progress and Will make plans for Friday night an Sunday to get out and have some fun.
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I just got back from Mazzoni, my primary care. The injection needles are 5/8th of an inch and they are having people inject into the stomach fat instead of leg IM. My doctor says it is just as effective and has less chance of complications.
My voice is improving a little every day. I have a little more vocal power today. There is hope.
Some thoughts on the first vocal operation:
Pros
My pitch went from 130 to 170 (after 6 months of healing)
I sounded marginally ok buy was not in the female range. I was in the transitional range.
Cons
Drinking and eating is a bit different. I can not put my head back and drink. Eating I needed to chew my food more.
I went to my therapist today. I have 2 goals for next week:
1) make shore reservations at Rehoboth beach. I need to get over going to the beach and into the water. I want to go in July twice then Aug and Sept. I want to stay at a B&B.
2) Invite a trans friend and his wife over to dinner. They will want to make a date where his wife takes me out to some places in Philly and find a male friend. Talk about scary.
I have been really depressed lately. I am thinking of asking to go back on an SSRI. I really have very limited vocal ability and am worried I will not regain my voice again. I am really destroyed by people and how they treat someone that has a speaking impairment. From exclusion to making fun of my inability to speak well.
Someone heard me trying to speak to a friend as I left seeing my therapist. She started signing with me and I felt so bad. I could not communicate with her and I could not be heard with the background noise.
There was a guy at work and he was making fun of me Monday. I told him to shut the xxxx up. I lost it for a second and that is all it takes. I need to walk away and just silence the noise. What makes someone think it is funny to make fun of someone because they can not be heard when they try to speak.
I have a retreat tomorrow with all of leadership and all I can think is I really do not want to go. I want to hide. I feel like this is something too much to handle. I will go and do my best and feel different from the rest. Just another thing I am different about.
I had dinner last night with a woman that went to Dr. Spiegel and had a 1/3 tie glottoplasty. She said she had a 3 month healing process before she could talk without hoarseness and longer to gain vocal power. She said she can not be heard in a noisy environment. She is my age and the program she heads was just cancelled. She will be scrambling to be placed within her company. Something she said that really struck home, she has three strikes against her, Trans, woman, old. She passes and that is a good thing.
I am close to passing. If I get my voice back and it is reasonably good I will have a good shot of passing most of the time. Something for me to really work on as if something was to happen with my job I will need all the skills I have learned to survive.
Tomorrow is Friday and I think I will head to New Hope Saturday for some light shopping. I need to stay out of the piercing place. There is a leather coat I want to look at and an Irish shop and an English shop I want to stop in and a CBT oil shop and there is a shop that has some really beautiful jewelry.
Rachel,
Don't panic Girl! You have been through a lot worse. We all have times when we feel a little lost. It will get better. Hugs! Maybe I'll see you at the beach.
Moni
Hi Rachel,
You are still healing girl give that voice time to recover. Now going to the beach... is this a general problem with the beach or a trans exposure thing? I can see the problems with beaches over there especially if the are the crowded ones you see in the pictures. PEOPLE!! ugh! Give me quiet seclusion at the beach or anywhere. But that is me and pre Laurie at that. I can see the issue of being in a bathing suite on a crowded beach, but I am sure your therapist has your best interest in mind when she asks you to do that and the date thing. I say go for it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Rachel first of all here's a big hug.
Your Glottoplasty was exactly one month ago today. I wasn't allowed to use my voice at all for the first month and was asked to take it easy the second month - and the surgeon I went to said my voice would be quite rough until month four. It is upsetting to know someone at the office made fun of you because your voice isn't strong. I don't blame you for snapping back at them, any reasonable HR department would take your side. What your co-worker did was intentional harassment in the workplace.
While your voice is recovering you might want to carry a business-card size paper with large lettering saying "I'm recovering from voice surgery" in case you run into certain situations. Even knowing that's in your purse might help.
I hope you can go to the leadership retreat tomorrow. Although I've never understood why those are called a retreat... that term sounds like defeat, they should be called a leadership advance. VFS recovery adds to the challenges of social situations, but some of the meetings will be in a quiet room with people paying attention as they sip overpriced coffee. Several people in your company's leadership team have been on your side and now is a good time to continue building connections. I am confident you will do well.
Hi Monica, thank you. I need to get over the fear of being in a bathing suit on the beach. Rehoboth is LGBT friendly. I will stay at a B&B and go to poodle beach.
Hi Laurie, I grew up and was always at crowded beaches. I always wore an undershirt on the beach and when I transitioning I wore a rash guard. Now I have boob and I need to wear a one piece.
Hi Kendra, I was reading on here that girls were able to speak pretty well after the 1 month no talking. After speaking with my friend Wednesday about her recovery and your comments I feel better. Thank you, it really helped. The healing is slow. I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones. So now my eye is on healing and having HZ in the 220 to 250 range.
I went to the retreat and it was awesome. I love where I work. I did not speak because I could not be heard but that was ok. I am so lucky to work there. I really love what I do.
Hi Rachel! You'll be fine in the bathing suit. I remember my first time. I was concerned but mostly I was just so happy to be dressed the way I felt right. So don't be self conscious, enjoy the moment.
I'm happy to hear you went to the retreat and enjoyed yourself.
This is the time you've looked forward to and worked so hard to achieve. Take care of yourself, be yourself, and enjoy every sip of life.
Judi
(https://i.imgur.com/zTheF5P.jpg)
Rachel, you have helped me out so much, maybe this will help you out. Get a nice, cute bathing cover and a blanket. Set yourself up on the beach, to the side if you like. If the cover is two piece, take off the bottom part. Now you have two options. Set down on the blanket and chill for a while, get your bearings. Then when you feel more comfortable, take off the top cover and there you are. Option two, the one I chose, is to rip everything off and run for the water and celebrate like a crazy woman, all the time thinking, "Oh to hell with it, here goes." Just remember, when you head for the ladies room, check for toilet paper before you strip down to poop. My first visit, I made that mistake. I had to beg a lady to let me go ahead of her so I could wipe my butt. There can be a run on TP is those bathrooms.
Rachel, I head to Dr. Cooley on Wed. for transplants Thursday. Is it rough sitting in that chair all day? Are you in a recline position or sitting up straight? I have lower back issues that make it hard to sit upright for long periods of time?
Should I anticipate a torturous day?
Love you!
Monica
I am trying to get to Ocean City in August some time (with new boobs). Not ready for my two piece yet, but if I drop a few pounds, who knows? lol
Hi Monica, you look great in your bathing suit. I will get there. I need to lose a few pounds so my oblique's are flat.
I think I will make the shore reservation tonight or tomorrow.
Dr. Cooley, they give you some medication that helps a lot. Then they take you to the procedure room. You lay on your stomach on a 45 degree angle. They inject you with a local in the scalp in several locations. Then needle is not bad. Then they remove the strip of hair and suture you up. Next, they make lots of grafts ( I think they had 8 people making the grafts) and start implanting the grafts (2 people, Dr. Cooley and his PAc). You pick out 4 movies and you do not really watch the movies you kind of stair at the movies. Wow, it is lunch time already. Then more grafts and movie watching.
End of day I took the ride back to the hotel with the hotel shuttle. I went to the Mexican place on the corner, good food. When you sleep ( for 2 hours at a time) make sure you cover the pillow case with the pillow protector.
I took the pain meds sparingly at first at the airport last time but then I took8 or so of each pill and slept on the flight home.
The airport bathrooms (went to the bathroom 3 or 4 times in the 9 hour wait for the flight) are clean and the attendants are very nice and was properly gendered. I did not have a problem.
Anyhow, the experience was awesome, both times. The staff are great and it is almost 100% pain free. Just the local needles had a slight pinch. I am still a bit numb on top from the FFS so I really did not feel anything there at all. My biggest issue is awaking every 2 to 3 hours and spraying the ATP on the grafts. I was so glad when that was over.
I may go back for a third time but that will be in the fall or spring if I do. I need a rest to recover now. I have a lot of hair growing at my crown. If I go back I will have some hair placed in the center top and eyebrows. I am really good with an eyebrow pencil ( I get compliments) so I am in no rush. I want to find out if they can take the strips (two small strips from the sides instead of the back.).
They implant more grafts than you pay for which is cool. 3000 and 2500 grafts became 3500 and 3000 grafts.
The first time I went I was starting out and did not pass. I got misgendered a lot. The second time I did not get misgendered at all. Now I would not get misgendered.
"The first time I went I was starting out and did not pass. I got misgendered a lot. The second time I did not get misgendered at all. Now I would not get misgendered."
That is really good progress. It does take time but you have just about got there.
Hi Mary,
I do not know what exactly did it or the time frame but all the sudden one day it just happened. I really think hair and boobs did the trick. I was getting misgendered after FFS but not after boobs and hair. Also, at some point I became really comfortable in my skin.
Presently I am recovering from a glottoplasty. I am getting better every day. I did not think so but yesterday I listened to my daily recordings and I can hear a difference in vocal power and clarity. I still sound hoarse but it is improving.
Rachel,
Thank you for that awesome description. I am not really worried about the pain to my head. I am worried about the positioning I take during the longest part of the procedure, the implantation. I worry about my back. Do I sit straight up or am I able to recline somewhat? Can I change position without too much trouble? Oh, was there much conversation with the staff and you?
I'm really glad you are feeling better about the voice. Everything we do just takes so much patience!
Hugs,
Moni
Oh, can you remind me how long before you started to see any growth after the hair falls out? Thanks!
Hi Monica, you are reclined about 45 degrees. If you need to move I would let them know ahead of time. The chair is quite comfortable.
There is no conversation between you and the docs. The docs talk a lot between themselves.
The hair in the graft fell out. It took about 2 or 3 months for the hair to fall out and another 2 months for the hairs to pop out.
I went to the doctors for my trans care last week. I looked up my blood test results. My T is not detectable. I take T every other day, just a dab. So I need more than just a dab. My libido is very low and that is why.
Lets say a transman takes 100 of some fictitious units per day topical. I would take every other day about 5 of those units or 2.5 per day average. So it is a very small amount. Conversely if the transman dose gave him 300 ng/dl then I should have 7.5 ng/dl (target is 30). So I need to review this with my doctor going forward. The result are too low.
I saw Dr. Sataloff today. My right vocal fold is still red and healing. It does not vibrate like the left vocal fold unless there is higher air pressure. He said I am exactly where I should be. He said when the swelling goes down both vocal folds will vibrate fine and when the fold heals I will become less hoarse. My pitch goes from 320 to 450 HZ (I can not go below 320 HZ). He said that will lower in some time. The point where the two vocal folds meet is perfect. It is as crisp as a knife edge when the vocal folds come together. There is not a scar budge where the folds meet. He will have me do twice a week speech pathology and I see him in September.
I feel so much better. I was really worried.
I called Aetna requesting how I go about mediation. They referenced me to an advocate. I sent them my documents and questions to answer. My goal now is either mediation of a civil case. My employer may retaliate against me and I am not looking forward to a confrontation but I feel I must stay the course. I guess the argument is why are facial procedures that are medically necessary for cis people be covered but facial procedures for trans be expressly excluded. I feel this is discriminatory and I am must pursue this.
This Friday night and Saturday night there was a meetup with about 40 transwoman. I got home Friday and was tired. It was cold and raining. So I figured I would skip Friday and just go Saturday night. Saturday my daughter need some help with her new bike so I skipped going.
Sunday I was invited to go to join some friends from group in Philly to go to the movies. I did and it was fun. I drove to New Hope on the way home and had lunch. I walked around and into some shops. It was something to do but lonely.
This week my daughter and Ex are going to the shore and I will have the cats to take care of. I wish I was with them.
I looked into a B&B in Rehoboth DE and may pick one or a hotel on the North end. I think I will feel the same I did in New Hope. I think I will feel lonely. I guess it will be something to do that is different and I do enjoy be beach.
I have to wait 14 days between injections now. I am in the 4 addition day window now so I will see how it goes.
I was doing a lot of surgeries to be the best aligned I can be. I need to get past the glottoplasty and do the twice a week voice therapist work and I think that will be it for a while.
I am squarely in the be in as many places I can be to meet people mode now. Meeting people is really difficult and going to new places is difficult but I need to get out of my comfort zone and be comfortable with myself.
Anyhow I need to book something for the shore.
I texted my pcp the request for a topical perception pain relief cream for electrolysis. He replied why don't the people doing the electrolysis provide the script? Reply, because they are not doctors. CVS texted that script was called in but not covered by insurance. I asked the price which is $51 and I said ok. I was provide details after Thursday when I have my next electrolysis appointment.
I have my first voice pathology session tomorrow. I will be going twice a week. Before glottoplasty and before the subluxation I had a vocal range from 135 hz to 150 normally. I pushed it to 160 to 170. Post subluxation preglottoplasty I was 160 to 185. Now I am 340 to 470 or higher if I try. I can go very high. My one vocal fold does not vibrate without highish pressure. This was stated to be from swelling.
I was texting a friend I can discuss things openly with. He is ftm and super nice. He is the only person I can share how things are to a point. Anyhow, he recommend I switch therapist. I have two Aetna therapists that call me weekly and I can not talk to them about certain things. I can not talk to my gender therapist about certain things. I do not understand why I see these therapist if I can not share how I feel and my thoughts on certain subjects.
The Aetna one therapist last session asked about my last time I acted
Out a suicide attempt. I told her. She asked for details. It was about 2.5 years ago and I had a loaded pistol in my mouth with finger on the trigger. I was neeling next to my bed. This was when the agreed upon procedures and limited expressing at home was agreed upon and later a zero tolerance was adopted. I am 1000 times better now. I was asked the next week if I have access to a gun? She then said people here want to know if you have access to a gun. So get real, how do you answer that. 302 voluntarily or 302 involuntary. So I lied and feel like I need to
cancel the 20 more scheduled sessions. I do not trust them.
I need to be guarded with my gender therapist but not as much. But I can not share my struggle, my thoughts and how I cope about this subject. Where do I get help for this? I am not suicidal and I have been in much worse a spot. I do have periods of thoughts of self harm but have not acted on them.
Work is my only feeling of value and belonging. That is a sanitized period of time in my day. I have no real friends there. They are Work friends and of consequence. Just like group are friends of circumstances. I have not been to group in two months and have no desire to return. There is a license therapist there and I have witnessed people 302ed from group for expressing how they feel and what they want to to to stop the pain. It is good to express how you are feeling. The good and bad. The action thing is the point to work on and redirect.
I feel lost and of little value. So I ask myself why. What is the point. I feel guilty for saying this when so many struggle for food and shelter. I lived for others and they are gone so what next? What is my future?
I am at fault. I need to do what my gender therapist recommend and I have not done. I need to book a hotel down the shore that is lgbt friendly or a b&b that is lgbt friendly and get out there. I need to join the friends of the art musium, zoo and Franklin institute. I need to go to philly events every weekend this summer. Ok, tomorrow I book the beach.
I am not suicidal, just venting. No need to respond or think
anything from this. I just need to write down my feelings.
@RachelDear Rachel:Thank you for posting your update to your thread. Interesting about your electrolysis pain... $51 is a cheap price to pay for relief.... particularly if the pain level is high and also if you can afford it.... then you should do it.
Very good news regarding your voice sessions... gee, I always thought that anything over 275Hz is considered a good female voice pitch. Wow, getting to 340 to 470 is quite an accomplishment. Keep working on it and report your progress here. Oh, how high does your therapist suggest as your final goal?? I do know that if one pushes it too high for their unique set of vocal cords that it can start to sound strange and fake.
Oh no, oh no!!! no suicide talk or anything like that.... your life (like all lives) is precious! Please continue to stay with us.... but you are correct about changing to a different therapist... total mutual trust is important in that situation. When you do meet with a trusted Therapist, yes, you really should try or do what they suggest... that is the entire reason for getting therapy... right???
Venting here on the forums is good for you and then your followers can then know how to give the supportive words and positive thoughts that they desire to give you and need to give you.... Also as you may have read in many of my posts of various threads, I keep a personal pen and paper journal (complete with doodling) for my most very personal stuff that I toss around in my mind. If you are not keeping a personal journal I am thinking that would be very helpful to you, plus the doodling is fun to look at years later :)
Please continue to keep your thread updated.... your followers are curious and want to know !!!!!
Hugs and well wishes ...
We all love you, please stick around.
Danielle
Hi Danielle, thank you for your support. I read your threads and find them enjoyable. Thank you for your posts. Where you live is very beautiful. I would love to hike on those mountain trails. I enjoy your suitor thread and find it very entertaining. I know it is serious at times but overall is a very good and happy read.
I have my gender therapist which I trust but there is a line I can not share across. She must report if she thinks there is immediate threat to life. Unless you lived a life with depression and suicidal ideation you can not know the layers. Not being able to share the feelings does not make the feelings go away. Lack of sleep and having no way out of a situation can cause me to spiral, obsess and have intense mental pain. It is the impulse to stop the pain that becomes uncontrollable. It is scary. I know the signs. I know the way out now; I have learned tools. Planning suicide, and going to the "edge" is another issue. That is a choice (for me). A way to stop the pain but not an impulse, more like a slow motion movement. Being on the edge resets something and in an hour the feeling goes away. Without the feeling there is a repulsion to be on the edge. I have not attempted for 2.5 years.
For electrolysis I use Super Numb. I wanted prescription numbing cream to have a better numbing result. The doc sent in a script but it is not in CVS's formulary. They are contacting him to recommend a topical in their formulary. Another option is to go to Papillion for numbing and electrolysis. I know two woman that go there and told me it is just as bad with the epidural needle as the scrotal numbing for GCS hair removal.
Aetna on the other hand, those two therapist make me feel bad, remembering past pain and describing the events. Then planning goals. They scheduled a session Friday night at 9:30 pm. I was too chicken to say no. I go to bed early and get up early on Saturday. I hike early and this Aetna program is not what I want. I am too chicken to stop the sessions. I need to just say it to them Friday night.
Voice, I had a subluxation and my base went from 135 to 170 HZ. There was male overtones. After an aggressive glottoplasty My HZ are high, too high. The doctor said the pitch will lower. I had my first speech therapy session post op. I have home work and I think I understand what to practice. I had one of Dr. Sataloff's residents in the voice therapy session. My voice is too high and strained. I need to relax, use more air, keep my throat open and relax and not force air. I need to use my diaphragm and use more air to talk. My voice is healing still. I was given the OK by the doctor to exercise my vocal folds.
Journal, this is my journal, LOL. I keep it a bit sanitized as I do not want to trigger some people and some things I can not elaborate on because it is not appropriate and some of the people here are from different cultures and would not be able to relate.
I have looked back on the thread and there is some pretty big change in my life :)
I did not mention anything trans in this post ( ok, glottoplasty is a trans item but it is about recovery from a surgery). The reason is my coping had to do with my issues of insecurity, body image ( and voice) and dealing with low self esteem. Everything else manifest from that. I know why I have low self esteem and self value. I guess that is half the battle and then changing the thought behavior is the other half.
Hey, if you like hiking and the dental hygienist likes hiking then that is something you share other than other attractions. When the other attractions wane what you share in common is the thread that hold the bond. Just saying.
Today I went to Papillion for a vaginal checkup. Everything is 100% with one small exception. The small location where there is a skin flap the healed but has a healed tunnel through it. The PA-c treated it with silver nitrate again. She wants me to See Dr. McGinn in September so she can look at it. I said you mean cut it and she said you know Dr. McGinn. We smiled. It is not an issue but I do not want anything in the future to have an issue with. The PAc said I could stop using the hydroquarterzone cream if I wanted to but I can continue if I wanted to.
I schedule a 4 hour thermolysis session Monday August 6th. I will have the epidural needle for numbing. I asked Debbie (she did my genital clearing) if it was as painful as the genital clearing needle and she said yes. I think I will schedule September and October electrolysis Monday as well as the appointment with Dr. McGinn in in September. If I go to Papillion Monthly and do a 4 hour full face clearing and do 2 hours a week then I think I can really make headway.
I think my recent depression was about my ex and daughter going down the shore. I use to love going in the ocean with my daughter, riding bikes, walking on the beach and at night with her. I also enjoyed shopping and eating out with my Ex and daughter. I miss that so much.
I also think my depression was related to my voice recovery. I have not recovered how I expected. My one vocal fold is not vibrating the way it should and I sound hoarse and my pitch is 100 HZ to high. I have speech pathology through the summer and see the doctor in September. He said it will take a few months to recover and that my one side (right) is still a little swollen. So the issue now is:
High pitch 340 HZ base,
Right fold not vibrating and some swelling behind the vocal fold,
A hoarse sound from the vocal fold not moving and air passing.
My speech Pathologist Jesse has me doing exercises. I was clinching the back of my through to squeeze a sound out. I now open the back of my through and use more air. I also use the diaphragm as an air bag to move the air. After the operation my vocal power was extremely low. I have regained some power now and can be heard.
I went to the Raven in New Hope tonight. It is a gay bar, pool, restaurant and cabaret. I was at the bar, drinking diet coke. I was there for about 1.5 hours. I left as there was no one that seamed the least bit interested in me. There were a lot of guys with guys and a few male/ female couples. Anyhow I had no interest spending more time there.
Tomorrow I will be in Philly at Delaware Ave watching a movie. Afterwards I will go the Gayborhood for an early dinner/late lunch. The gayborhood is 1/2 heterio now. It is the "cool" place to hang out.
So the two Aetna therapist have me thinking 30 minutes a day for the next week about things I am that are positives. I have to report back next week. Also I needed to do a social interaction (Raven tonight). I will also try the gayborhood tomorrow. I need to get out of my comfort zone. Group did not push me out of my comfort zone and I have grown beyond group as a support but not as a social experience.
So I guess the Aetna therapist are good as they are challenging me to do different things. Things I need to do. I did cry a bit when I got home as I felt unlovable and an outcast. I realize there are different places in New Hope and going to a mostly gay bar is not the place for me. I will try another place in New Hope next week.
I got the prescription numbing cream today. I will give it a try Tuesday. Twice a week electrolysis for an hour and I will start a Monthly 4 hour session with a local. When I am done my face I will have Papillion work on my crotch area. I do not have much hair but I want it gone. I like it smooth down there.
So twice a week I will go to some new places to increase my socialization. I may find somewhere that is good and that would be awesome. I will try tavern on Camac tomorrow for lunch. Who knows It may turn out to be good.
I need to find a gym to go to. I enjoy going to the gym and need to find a gym that is accepting. My old gym closed down :(
This week my voice had a little bit more vocal power. It is still very low and hoarse but a slight improvement. There were a few instances when I voiced a surprise sound and I was very high in pitch. Each time a guy or two laughed. It felt really good.
I think I will hike tomorrow morning, shower then go to my ex's to install a bike rack in her garage for our daughter.
I had thermolysis electrolysis tonight. I could only take 45 minutes. I took 3 Motrin and used prescription numbing cream. I think the over the counter Super Numb is better than the prescription numbing cream.
I feel better this week. The slight improvement in my voice gives me hope. That and Dena's glottoplasty recovery timetable. Thanks Dena.
Anyhow, last week I went to the Raven in New Hope for socialization. There were a lot of guys there but none interested in a trans woman. This weekend I may go to the fireworks in Philly.
Surgeries
I could do the following under insurance:
Hair graft, my hair is doing well so I do not know about that.
BA (#2), I do not know about increasing size and the pain and recovery for how much gain? Hold that thought.
Vaginal tattooing, ouch, I will ask when I am having the 4 hour face electrolysis at Papillion.
Things I may do but not covered under insurance:
India for fat removal in the tummy and obliques. Definite maybe.
Buccal fat removal and face tightening in India. I get told a lot I look like Gina Davis, is that good? Anyhow a young Gina Davis is better than an old Gina Davis.
One thing for sure I am done with surgeries for a while.
I still have not booked anything at the shore. I need to do that.
I saw my therapist yesterday (she was on vacation last week). She asked about the shore and we talked about it. We talked about a theme in my life about self image and taking on being just me at the shore. We discussed trying on the bathing suites I purchased last year. I will do that this weekend and I will book a place for two or three nights. I will most likely be lonely but better to be lonely at the shore at poodle beach with beautiful guys all around.
I did not go to group Thursday. I really need to go to group and see my friends. It had been 8 weeks since I went to group. My voice is a little stronger and a little less hoarse so I think I will go next week. I have come to the realization I am pretty much done my transition and do not need to go to group.
I am not depressed now. The weak voice and hoarse voice was an issue that was tough to deal with. I did not realize how difficult it would be. I especially do not appreciate people mimicking or saying mean things because my voice is hoarse and week. 4 people at work made it a joke but I stood up to them.
My voice expectations were much higher than the reality I am faced with. Although, my voice is less hoarse and stronger so there is light at the end of the tunnel. I definitely like how it sounds when I sneeze and cough now. Also, when caught by surprise my pitch goes really high :) .
Hiking tomorrow :)
So glad for you Rachel, as I said the other day this road is bumpy at times and still the progress trend is way positive :-)
Enjoy your hike! I'll be going out for a bike tomorrow, having finally put my lovely road bike back into operating shape.
Hi Sadie, I hope your ride was good. I need to fix my mountain bike :( . I broke it going on a too great of an incline. The gears slip on lower gears.
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So I was outed today at work. A new employee was escorted around the different offices and introduced. When the office manager introduced me to the new employee everything was going well. We were discussing what her thoughts were and just discussing the duties I am responsible for and general stuff. Then the office manager told her I am trans. The woman's mouth literally opened. I covered by just smiling and inside I felt betrayed.
I want to address it but a part of me realizes that so many people know that it is a waste of time and emotion. How can I say you know xyz did not know I was trans and telling her is not right or was not right. I would never share her personal information with another person.
Not a huge issue but one that will Always be there. I guess trans is how some people think of me.
Quote from: Rachel on July 09, 2018, 08:08:34 PM
How can I say you know xyz did not know I was trans and telling her is not right or was not right. I would never share her personal information with another person.
Some people are clueless. They will remain clueless until someone gives tham a clue. Usually, that someone has to be us.
I would just tell tham: "It's really not cool telling new people that I am trans. I know everyone else already knows, because they were here when it happened, but new people don't need to know." If you are uncomfortable talking to the office manager directly, perhaps you could go through HR.
I was outed accidentally on social media. I was then teased on a call by the guy saying my name a few different ways in feminine form and saying it with a question sound. It haunts me. I have to work with the guy and he is a good friend. We haven't really talked about it.
My advice is to get a thick skin and realize these people care about you but sometimes they say things that will be insensitive. Another friend told a waitress "she as never been here before" while I was ordering lunch in boy mode. The girl looked at me like wow, I just flicked him off and played it off.
Here you could report him to the police as it's a crime to out someone if you know about them because of your job. Even if that isn't how they know, you could call it a "hate incident".
I was thinking a suitable reply might be - to the new person - "He doesn't like me because I won't have sex with him".
Quote from: Rachel on July 09, 2018, 08:08:34 PM
Hi Sadie, I hope your ride was good. I need to fix my mountain bike :( . I broke it going on a too great of an incline. The gears slip on lower gears.
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So I was outed today at work. A new employee was escorted around the different offices and introduced. When the office manager introduced me to the new employee everything was going well. We were discussing what her thoughts were and just discussing the duties I am responsible for and general stuff. Then the office manager told her I am trans. The woman's mouth literally opened. I covered by just smiling and inside I felt betrayed.
I want to address it but a part of me realizes that so many people know that it is a waste of time and emotion. How can I say you know xyz did not know I was trans and telling her is not right or was not right. I would never share her personal information with another person.
Not a huge issue but one that will Always be there. I guess trans is how some people think of me.
I think we can't avoid gossip, people will find out that way. But to make it part of someone's onboarding to a new company is not only rude but super unprofessional. You don't go around telling new employees what the old employees are up to as part of the introduction "Oh Keith over there, divorced and alcoholic, Jenna is a lesbian, Mariah was promoted because she sleeps with the boss, and Rachel is trans". You should report the incident to HR.
Hi KathyLauren, I agree some people are clueless. I am going to have a chat with the office manager (she is female). Thanks for the support.
Hi LaserGirl, I agree a thicker skin is essential. I am sorry you were outed on social media and others thought it was ok to out you as well. Thanks you for your support.
Hi Mary, it sounds like England has some strict rules. Here we are losing ground every day with the current president. The office manager is female. Where I work it is 90% female with a huge amount of LGBT or alleys. The good news was the new person has been really nice and receptive and that is very cool. I will have a chat with the office manager. Thanks you for your support.
Hi Charlie Nicki, I agree with you it is very unprofessional. I think I may discuss it in general terms with HR. Something to do with onboarding new employees. Managers where I work have an annual educational module that could include something to cover what happened and list the examples your mentioned. Thanks you for your support.
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So I went to New Hope tonight for dinner. Then some ice cream for desert. I was out and about but did not talk to anyone. There is a bar where a lot of the people ride bikes across from Havana. I think I will go there next time.
I guess I could go to a bar or two in the gayborhood in Philly. I have avoided them so far but I think I will go there next weekend.
My goal is to meet a few guys and flirt.
I really need to rent a motel room in Rehoboth beach (tomorrow I will make a reservation) and try on my bathing suits.
I have been reading a new book. It is called Placebo Effect. I wish I read this book at the start of my transition. It does not offer any trans information. It does explain a lot about brain pathways and how to change them and reinforce new pathways.
I hiked 5 miles with a 60 pound pack this morning. :) I feel pretty good today. I did not meet anyone but I had fun and I enjoyed myself. I am taking my ex out to dinner tomorrow. Although she and our daughter live together and have each other for company she would enjoy eating out with me. Odd how when I was having fun today I thought of her and that I should call and see if she wanted to eat dinner out tomorrow.
I tend to avoid gay neighbourhoods. I visited one with another girl a couple of weeks ago, and that's the only time we have received verbal abuse. I wouldn't be able to flirt with a man there as I'm not a gay man. I've joined a couple of dating sites, but at my age I don't have much chance.
Hi Mary, I joined Match.com. I am shy to e-mail a guy and those guys the e-mailed me are an hour or more drive away. I guess I could put a real effort into the site but most that e-mail I get is very to the point with something like lets go to a movie in the first paragraph. How do I now if they would be safe?
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Voice,
I had a procedure called the cricoid thyroid subluxation . My HZ went from 130/135 to 170/175. My range was plus 20 HZ. I was not satisfied. So I had the same doctor do a glottoplasty. My HZ was at 360/380 to 480 and higher after the rest period of one week. I have a super low vocal power. Fast forward 2 months 4 days and My pitch is 320/330 to 480 and higher. I have more vocal power but my vocal power I would rate at 15 to 20% original vocal power with a too high of a pitch.
So I get bummed out about my progress. There has been progress but it is very slow. I see the doctor in September. That will be the 3.5 month mark. At 3.5 months if I am not satisfied I will be looking for another doctor to evaluate my voice at the 6 month mark. I am thinking Dr. Thomas. I am just lining up my options. I will evaluate my voice at the 3.5 month mark and if I see improvement I will reevaluate it at the 6 month mark. If I regain 40 to 50% vocal power and my pitch is below 280 hz then I will give it more time.
In my head I feel the pitch is fine but the HZ is too high. I still find myself squeezing and elevating my throat at times. I must speak without any squeezing or elevation to head voice. It is hard to unlearn a behavior.
Some good with the voice.
When I sneeze it is a girls sneeze. When I cough it is a girls cough. :)
Some bad with the voice.
I have been made fun of five times at work. These are from people that know me. Over the radio I was made fun of twice. There are about 100 people on that channel.
I get several (7 or 8) times a day someone will say what happened to your voice or you poor thing I hope you feel better.
I was at a meeting with clinical professionals and I was asked flat out, what happened to your voice? I said I had a glottoplasty. There was no comment.
So sometimes I get down. When that happens I think of a few things. One, how people with disabilities are treated. I feel compassion for them. Two, I say to myself I have had improvement and I will get more improvement and I need to be patient. Three, if I do not have satisfactory results I will consult with another medical professional. Four, I think I have been through worse and this too shall pass. Sometimes I get emotional.
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Something completely different.
I tried on my bathing suit. It fits and looks nice. My anterior GCS scars that hyper pigmented is very visible with the bathing suit on. My posterior GCS revision scars can not be seen :) They had no hyper pigmentation. I have no Idea why the first set of scars hyper pigmentated (Dr. McGinn has no idea why it happened either). Anyhow, the bathing suite looks nice. I have a very short pair of shorts I can wear to the beach and take them off when I am settled. All I need to do is rent a room before 3 PM tomorrow.
I think a guy who wants to take you somewhere dark and unprotected straight away is more than dodgy!
Most of the (rather few) guys who have responded to me are looking for someone within 500 miles of their home, and are between 8 and 13 hours flying time from here. You seem to be doing better than I am!
Hey!!!
One of the hardest things for me to realize after I transitioned was that everyone I met saw me as a woman, NOT and Trans-woman. Rachel, you are a woman. Why do you go to gay bars? Those guys like men and male genitalia. You are not a man, you are a woman. Social adjustment is hard. Try to go out with some cis-women.
Hugs,
Jen
Hi Mary, I live in the Philadelphia area and there are millions of people in a short distance. However, the drive time is anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes. Yes, guys that in the same first paragraph that introduce themselves and also ask me out to a movie I think are just looking for a hookup. Maybe I am being too protective.
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The Bar-B-Q
I was invited to a cookout today. These are woman I meet at a trans meetup about 4 months ago. It was nice and the people were very friendly. I do not drink or smoke dope anymore but it was very very tempting. When someone passes you a pipe or passes out edibles it is difficult to resist. But resist I did. There were several bottles of whisky there, I looked and looked but did not take any.
I was lonely there. I miss my ex and daughter. I had some dark thoughts while smiling and making small talk (or whispering). Two woman were discussing future GCS and how they are intersexed. I did not join in or share . I do not feel comfortable sharing with strangers; although, I have shared my history here. Why share it? I hated every second of every minute having what I had and the way it was configured. I swear it was man made. When I had the operation at 12 I could finally pee. When I had GCS I found out it had been still majorly restricted. Now when I pee it is fantastic, quick and I fully empty my bladder. Before the operation when I was 12 it hurt and took so long to pee. It was so small too. The one thing I was so concerned about when I had revision surgery was would my urethra get obstructed. When my micro was removed the urethra that was obstructed was also removed.
When Dr. McGinn took the small penile ring and held it up with tweezers and said puny, it had no vascular support, I did not think it could survive and than tossed it in the trash, was taking a huge hardship I was forced to deal with and was ashamed of and hated and threw it away. It was an incredible act of kindness. It is a moment I will never forget. She also said everything about my anatomy is unique and that I am intersexed. She said that in front of my sister who was watching her finish the GCS in her office a week after the operation. My first GCS was a mess. Dr. McGinn did a great job. The revision 1 year later really made things look and function so much better.
I have been so emotional today. I am on day 9 of my injection cycle and I think when my E drops I get emotional. It seams to be a pattern. Dark thoughts and feelings tend to seep in the last 1/3 of my E cycle.
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Aetna
So one of my Aetna therapists wants me to write things that are good about myself in a journal right before bed each night. I could write for hours negative things but I cannot find good things to write. It is really tough.
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The shore
I think I will probably be alone the rest of my life. I asked my ex if she wanted to go down the shore with me and she declined. I asked my daughter and she declined. I thought about going down the shore alone and I think that has been the reason I have not made the reservation. I think it will be so incredibly lonely. I do not think I can be on a beach by myself all day then eat alone then go to a motel room and be alone. Only to repeat the process several days. I use to love going into the water with my daughter and walking the boards with my family. Eating out was so much fun.
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Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure I will feel better.
I do have questions for my Thursday therapist. Why do I want to find a guy? Is it to find happiness? Is it because I am lonely? Why do I hate to be alone? Why do I resist new things like going to the beach alone? Why did I feel alone at the Bar-B-Q?
Hi Jen,
Thanks, for your support and advise.
I thought there could be some Bi guys at a Gay bar. Nope.
I think you may be right, guys may see me as a female and I may be misreading or jumping to a conclusion.
There is a local single meet up place near me. If is for people in my age range and very popular. I may stop in there and see how it goes. Worse case I could get some diet soda and some appetizers.
Thanks.
Re this:
"The shore
I think I will probably be alone the rest of my life. I asked my ex if she wanted to go down the shore with me and she declined. I asked my daughter and she declined. I thought about going down the shore alone and I think that has been the reason I have not made the reservation. I think it will be so incredibly lonely. I do not think I can be on a beach by myself all day then eat alone then go to a motel room and be alone. Only to repeat the process several days. I use to love going into the water with my daughter and walking the boards with my family. Eating out was so much fun."
As hard as it is to consider Rachel, it seems your ex-wife and daughter have moved on from a close relationship with you. This is sad but also their choice, and in my opinion their loss. You can live in the past or look towards the future, your future. I have read your post for the time you've started writing and whether you realized it or not this is the time you have been working towards; to be the person you have dreamed of being and living that life. It is sad your ex chooses not to be there but nothing is holding you back now, except yourself. Set Rachel free and live the life you want. Be cautious but not afraid. Nothing ventured is nothing gained.
All my best, Judi
Thank you Judi, I know you and Jen are right. I need to get out and do things where I can have exposure to people that do things I like to do. So if I or we strike up a conversation we have things in common.
The car
So the neighbor down the street buys and sells cars as a hobby. He is a connector and he works all over Bucks county. People tell him when there are unusual cars for sale. He had a 1999 30th anniversary Trans Am ( there were 1600 made and is the official Daytona 500 model). It has upgrades with the exhaust and shift. I always wanted a firebird but the 30th anniversary trans am is rare. He sold it to me. I changed the air filter, oil, plugs. spark plug wires, flushed the radiator and changed the rear fluid. All that is left is the transmission oil and filter to be changed. None of the fluids or plugs or wires or even air filter were ever changed. The car is very powerful and runs very smooth.
So I am learning a manual transmission. I have about 100 miles on it and am doing well with the manual transmission.
Every time I take it out for a 3 or 4 mile learning session at least one or two guy revs up their car and wants to race.
My thought is I can take it to car shows or weekend drives. On the weekend there are a lot of really nice old cars that drive Main Street in New Hope. When I drive it around different neighborhoods guys turn around and look at the car. So I am hoping to use the car as a conversation piece. Also, I got the car and after I get it in correct order I could always sell it and make a good profit.
My ex said it is not a very feminine activity. I am a Mechanical Engineer and love mechanical devices.
So I was wondering if anyone had any comments? Should I sell the car or use it as a conversation starter?
Rachel, have fun with it! If you find it not to be fun, sell it. It is a huge plus to try new things especially when it could lead to meeting new and maybe interesting people. Who cares if it is traditionally feminine or not? I think it is a great idea.
I was highly embarrassed when I was hired my first day as an auto mechanic. I was told to go pull 'that car' into the shop. After multiple attempts in front of its owner to move this car with the manual transmission, the writer finally pulled it in. That weekend, guess who taught me to drive a stick? My female neighbor was nice enough to do it. It makes me cringe to this day having to get out of that car and watch someone else drive it in. lol
Monica
Quote from: Rachel on July 22, 2018, 04:21:31 PM
Every time I take it out for a 3 or 4 mile learning session at least one or two guy revs up their car and wants to race.
My thought is I can take it to car shows or weekend drives. On the weekend there are a lot of really nice old cars that drive Main Street in New Hope. When I drive it around different neighborhoods guys turn around and look at the car. So I am hoping to use the car as a conversation piece.
I have a 2012 Chrysler SRT8 with the 475 hp 6.4 liter - Black on Black on Black. People come up to talk with me often. What you are proposing can work. Be yourself, smile, don't brag, listen with interest to them, be supportive and smile some more....mention you like to go fast and repeat. Leave off that you are an engineer for a while...
Hugs,
Jen
Quote from: Rachel on July 22, 2018, 04:21:31 PM
My ex said it is not a very feminine activity. I am a Mechanical Engineer and love mechanical devices.
So I was wondering if anyone had any comments? Should I sell the car or use it as a conversation starter?
If you like the car, keep it and have fun with it. Life is too short to worry about someone else's pigeonholes.
"My ex said it is not a very feminine activity." What does that mean and what does it matter? At one time I raced sports cars and I will say the women that competed with us were just as driven to succeed as any guy, maybe more! My spouse has a 2-seater with a manual transmission. She won't drive an automatic.
"I am a Mechanical Engineer and love mechanical devices." Then this is the kind of things you should do. Don't waste time on doing or having things you don't love. I'm sure you've figured out that life is short!
Judi
Quote from: Rachel on July 22, 2018, 04:21:31 PM
> Should I sell the car or use it as a conversation starter?
I'd absolutely keep the car. Enjoy it and all the conversations it starts.
I have no intention of giving up cars, major home remodeling (just me, no contractors) or anything else I enjoy. I'm just more free to be me, and keeping what I think is positive from before. Rachel you worked incredibly hard to get to this point. You earned everything you have. Now it's time for you to start cashing in.
I drive a 96 mustang GT and I never have owned a car with an automatic transmission. If you enjoy the car, keep it. You will find the experience never gets old and you will still be enjoying the car just as much when you part with it as you do now.
Hi Monica, I was always afraid of a manual transmission. I agree, I will have fun and use the car to meet people.
Hi Jen, you car sounds like it is very powerful, I bet you get a lot of conversations over it. Thanks for the advise. I need to learn a lot about the communication style. However, after my glottoplasty I tend to listen 95% of the time. I would definitely be honest and let them know I am a novice to manual transmissions and any pointers would be appreciated :) .
Hi Kathylauren, I agree I need to break away from the stereotype. I always wanted a firebird. I use to watch Rockford files and loved his car.
Hi Judiblueeyes, wow, raced sports cars. I know several woman that have muscle cars. The person that owned this for 18 years was a very attractive woman. She sold it because she gained weight and could not fit in it. It sat for 4 years.
Hi Kendra, thank you. I agree I have had my share of down and a little up is nice. The one thing I love about a manual is there is no time to drift off and think about stuff, at least for now.
Dena, cool car. Thank you for your support. I am thinking about keeping it for a long time. I am getting over my fear of hills. I guess the only issue is with the hurst shifter and how I need to push it into gear and not be too gentle. I am still getting use to it.
If the car has an easy to use hand brake, the trick on a hill is to set the hand brake, start letting out on the clutch and when it grabs, release the hand brake. Most of the time I don't need to use that trick but if I end up on a really steep hill where I need the brake anyway, I just delay releasing it until I am ready to move.
As you become more comfortable with a clutch you will find starting on a moderate hill isn't that difficult. On the other hand, newer cars have the brake and gas petals near the same height so they can be worked at the same time with the same foot.
Rachael you made me think of this with your talk of stick shifts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOmayx2JBs8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOmayx2JBs8)
Dena, thank you for the advise. The emergency break helps. I practice in my neighborhood where I have some steep hills.
Laurie, that was good. When I was younger we would listen to the Bill Cosby albums then as we got older Cheech and Chong then Richard Prior.
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So I am going to Papillion for a 4 hour face electrolysis with numbing on 8/6/18. I go to two woman for a hour weekly and have about 250 or more hours of face electrolysis. I let my face hair grow out to see how long I need to grow my hair for the Papillion visit. It was a good way to gauge how much hair I have to go. The right side is pretty sparse. I have not had any work done on the left side doe about a year. I never had any work done below the jaw line on the right side. So I guess the electrolysis on 6/8 is my way of getting . A crash hair removal process going.
I was thinking of going to Papillion monthly or every 6 weeks for as long as it takes to clear my face. My goal is to do minor maintenance electrolysis in 2019 weekly.
On issue is growing my face hair out for the treatment. I am going to the Philly Trans Wellness Conference the 8/2-4 and working for Mazzoni on the 4th. I will have some facial hair visible and it really is not comfortable. I will use hair trimmers to limit the length but I need 1/8 inch to 1/4 inch of hair. Definitely not the look I am shooting for. I really do not look forward to having facial hair and being in community.
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Voice
So my voice had improved a bit. It sounds low in volume and high in pitch. I sound hoarse. It has been 2.5 months post op and I am nervous. I know I am relatively early in the healing and I need to just practice and be patient. In December I will plan accordingly an alternative route.
I understand how someone with a serious speech impediment are treated and how people react to their speech or lack of. Oh what a journey. I guess it is the price that must be paid.
Therapist
I had a phone therapy session with my gender therapist today. I booked a hotel room at Rehoboth Beach in August. She mentioned that the one issue that remains with me is the PTSD from my past. The issues haunt me. I really have no defense against them and the thoughts pop into my mind and I can not stop them. When they do it alters how I think and I get emotional. She mentioned EMDR therapy. We would end or suspend out sessions and I would go to a specialist a few blocks from my therapist office. I think this is worth it. It is a bit unnerving switching therapists and I feel sad but it is time. After the PTSD is addressed I guess I will be done with therapy.
The stand in therapist I went to for 3 months while my regular therapist had her baby saw me as I was leaving my therapist office last week. She was escorting her patient out of her office and talking to her so I did not say anything. My therapist told me that she thought I looked familiar but could not place me. Then she thought could that be me. She discussed it with my therapist and could not believe it was me. My therapist said, see you definitely pass. I guess I am 90% . I never get gendered incorrectly any more :) .
The two Aetna therapist have 3 more weeks and the program is done. It is for at risk people and it is good to get their perspective but they do not have trans experience. I mentioned dating and the one therapist sent me 4 trans dating sights. So I am playing nice with them but they really do not have a lot to offer me. I can not explain how I feel and the thoughts I have when certain past things enter into my head. I fear they will call the authorities. It is one thing to have the feelings and thoughts of harm but another thing to be stuck, not sleeping and doing acts of harm. I am so much better off now than I was 3 to 5 years ago.
Group
I have not been able to go back to group. I want to go but every time I think I would go I decide not to. I really like the people but something inside me has changed. I feel bad not going but I think I may have graduated there too.
So I am a bit lost at the moment. I am finding the group friendships are about transition and the pains of coming out and HRT and expressing. I have little in common with that any more. I can give support but I am well past that. I really have no issues being in public (minus the bathing suite fear). I will make an efforts to stop by group once in a while. Perhaps I will think about suggesting a co-facilitator role. I am thinking about something for the future.
Hair
Getting my hair colored tomorrow. I really like going to the salon. I will see Richard who is a great person. He is so giving to the kids in our community.
Saturday
Hiking, I will try 110 pound pack tomorrow and do 5 miles up and down hills. Then phone Aetna therapist. Next breaks and plugs on one car and ending with the movies at 7. Sunday I think I will be with friends at a movie in town. Then I will get a TV, mine broke a while ago. I only watch Netflix on occasion so it is not a big deal to me but my ex will be watching the dog when I go to the shore and she lives with a TV on all the time.
Anyone have thoughts on wild lettuce and CBT oil (Charlottes Web)? I got them for electrolysis. I also have prescription strength Lidocaine. I will try all three this coming week.
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*********Trigger Warning*********
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I went to the Philadelphia Trans Wellness Conference today, then my therapist then electrolysis.
I went to the conference. My work is a sponsor and we have a table. This year the Gender Clinic staff were staffing the table and it was at the medical tract area. I will reserve any other comments other than perhaps next year there will be a table in the medical tract area, where one should be and one in the general tract area where there is need as well.
I went to a first general tract seminar. There were three I thought I found of interest. 1) a sexual seminar about positive trans bodies, sex and then it went into enhanced sex with drugs and the street work. I chose to pass. 2) Suicide and how to prevent it. I chose to go to that one. I got triggered and left the conference. I chose to go to the gayborhood and check out the reconstruction on Walnut street from the water main break. Then eat lunch. I then went to William Way community center (LGBT ). I Saw my therapist and ...
Therapist
The seminar was spot on and they really knew what it is like and why. I tried to hold back the tears. I cried. I could not stop the tears.
I felt so out of place at the conference. I use to go there to listen to medical providers about HRT, FFS, hair transplants, BA and GCS. I did all that. I am moderating 4 seminars Saturday. Non of which are about transitioning. I chose yoga and mindfulness and the like.
My therapist said I am on the other side of transition. I am in the part where I am trying to look for my new normal. To find my way. What I had in common in group and at past trans health (wellness) conferences is no longer the case.
I questioned why can not take risks and meet others. To get out and just try new things.
She also said EMDR would not be the correct coarse of action for me and she then explained why. She had discussed it with the other practitioner.
I asked why I always felt so out of place. With Cis and trans and everyone in-between. Why am I so afraid of other people and why am I so afraid to let others in. She said it was because when I was young I associated those feelings on not being like the rest. I associated bad feelings about being different (the seed of self hate) and being me. I have PTSD from my past. I reinforced the feelings of being different and not "normal". I said I can fix this in a very low voice. She asked several times for me to repeat it. I finally did. We then reviewed alternative to reinforce positive experiences where I can make new and health links.
I really am not ready for a relationship. I am having difficulty because I am lonely yet I can not let someone in. People that sexually and mentally abuse a little kid, parents that do not help little kids be their correct gender and then reinforce it with making their child feel awful because of who they are cause a lifetime of hardship for that person.
I really do not want to go to the conference tomorrow but I need to. It is my community and I need to some how figure out how to feel that I belong. I need to feel comfortable in how I look. I need to connect with my friends and stop the dark thoughts.
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On another note Aetna wanted more info from Hahnemann for my glottoplasty and decided to reimburse them zero. Not good. I will need to resolve that.
Aetna wants a letter of necessity for a second BA.
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I just needed to get it out. I am not gong to do something negative. (truth be told it is something I live with and I need to find a way to change that)
So I went to day two of the trans wellness conference and I am so happy I did. I saw a bunch of friends and I went to two fantastic seminars. One of which addressed the exact feelings I had been experiencing. It was for people that had transitioned and how things changed and what and what to do about it.
There was one seminar with a lot of sharing of how things are and how we cope, the brain coping connections and how to make new connections.
I will be going back to group, I really miss the people at group. Perhaps I will go to the William Way group which is a social group. IDK.
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I feel a lot better today than yesterday. Connecting with community is so important.
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Ok, so I have some thoughts. I need to get to 180 pounds, just 10 more to go. I think I will have a second BA. I may discuss it with Dr. McGinn when I see her in September. I will ask my therapist to write Aetna a letter of need.
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I have 3 weeks left with my 2 Aetna special therapists then I should be out of the program. I really need to get out of that program.
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About finding someone. I will concentrate on finding myself. I need to care that I am alive, find internal happiness and be me and the hell with other people and what they think.
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I am pretty tired of people thinking I am dumb because my voice is impacted.
My vocal fold area swelling is going down slowly. My voice is improving but the vocal folds are not touching and therefore I sound hoarse. I see Dr. Sadaloff in September and we will go from there.
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My glottoplasty claim from Aetna needs information requested from the hospital. They have not as yet provided the information and the $74,000 claim is in limbo.
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The claim for the GCS revision (without the charge from Dr. McGinn which was $0) is $24,000 plus.
Aetna requested more information.
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If my vocal folds do not touch the doctor will need to operate and do something to correct the issue.
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I want to go to India for some minor cosmetic work so this voice thing is impacting that. Just like the GCS revision impacted my two voice procedures.
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My hair was rocking today :) :) :)
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Rachel I'm glad to hear you went back to the conference and enjoyed yourself. Regarding "finding" yourself, I think this is an excellent move. I have long held that we cannot truly love others until we love ourselves. That means we need to connect with ourselves and be comfortable with who we are. I have followed your posts for quite some time and I find you to be an interesting, deep, caring and empathetic person. You can see that too when you look hard enough. It appears you are coming to that realization. Love and companionship will come in due time, probably from an angle you totally unexpect.
As to being on the other side of transition, this is true but sometimes I find it hard to accept. I still go to group but not as frequent as I probably should as I really enjoy my friends there. Your comment is a push for me to recommit. I need to get out and do a Meet Up with other women. I still have my old friends but as you have probably seen, the connection is different now. Finding a new tribe is a goal for me. Just a small tribe!
A rocking' hair day is always a cause for celebration. You go girl!!!!
Judi
Thank you Judi for the support. I think I will make group once a month perhaps more. I do like the people there. It is the pain that others express. I guess I need to somehow not feel their pain or care, but I do. The pain of coming out, losing family, losing their job, losing their friends, divorce, children disowning them, getting HIV, struggling with alcohol and opiates and suicide.
I really need to find myself, what I enjoy and get out and do it. Meetup, I have done that and will do the with trans woman but other woman is a bit unnerving. There is a walking group or two at Tyler state park that would be awesome. I wonder how I would be accepted? I guess I will need to find out.
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I really enjoyed myself at the conference today. I forgot I need to volunteer from the 1st day of the conference. I volunteered to be a room moderator for 4 sessions today and that helped heaps. Volunteering for some reason always puts me in a great mood.
I spoke with Moses from Trancend legal. I had sent him my level one and two appeal documents and he remembers. He said he word take the case for a percentage. He stated some law for healthcare workers and how it was discrimination and I should be successful. I need to send him my level 2 denial and civil/mediation procedure from the advocate. I really hope I do not lose my job over this.
I did yoga for the first time today and love it. Huuum, I think I will take up yoga. The teacher has a studio in NJ but that is a bit of a hike. He has a web site radikalhealing.com .
So I volunteered with someone her on Susan's She is really smart and impressive and a super nice person. It is good to connect from woman on here. She told me she goes to Papillion for facial hair removal and did the numbing injections once and now just uses cream. I told her I did the numbing 6 times on the genital area. I am so apprehensive about the numbing. I will use Wicked CBD advance, 6 to 8 wild lettuce extract power capsules and some Motrin.
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I am at a totally different place today from Thursday. I was so down on myself, I questioned how I looked, how old I am compared to the young trans, the desire to have transitioned when young, the feeling of not belonging, the feeling of being alone. When I talk to other trans woman they too experience the same feelings at times. I am not alone :)
I spoke to a friend. She is very nice and she told me about her difficulties. We never talked about that before. We discussed so much and some super personal things but we never spoke of this topic before. I guess we all have our share of insecurities and self doubt.
I spoke of the difficulties I was having with my Friday night Aetna phone therapist ( 2 more weeks and I am free). I ended the call early and just went to bed. I know when I woke up I would feel better. I have a 9 pm phone call with Aetna therapist #2.
I'm glad to hear you're feeling better!
I took a yoga class (10 sessions) at the local Continuing Education program. I loved it and fit in well. Later I twisted my knee at home so I didn't take the follow up class but I will again in the fall. It was definitely a judgement free zone with all abilities. One thing I quickly noticed is our hips aren't as flexible as cis-women. Or maybe its just me? Give it a try!
Judi
Hi Judi, thank you for your support. I think I may try to find a yoga place near me that has classes that fit my schedule.
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I went to Papillion today and did 4 hours of electrolysis on my face with numbing. I have another appointment in September and will be making one tomorrow for the same day I see Dr. McGinn. It makes sense to do both and save a day off. I think I will make a few more appointments tomorrow as well.
I used 1000 mg/cc CBD oil and 7 0 sized capsules of wild lettuce extract power and 600 MG of Motrin to take the edge off the needles. I guess it helped but the needles hurt.
There were two woman from Susan's there and one I know from group. It was fun to catch up.
Sooo a friend from group was working the lost and found at the Philly Trans Wellness Conference. She was talking to a transman that was looking for a friend. She texted me and asked if I would be interested. He and I have been texting and the next step is a face to face meeting. I get told I pass. I get told I look like Gina Davis, a lot, by strainers. I lost weight and I think that helps. So of coarse I am a bit anxious about how I look. My voice is not good because the vocal folds have yet to tough and as such sounds hoarse. Confidence girl, confidence.
Today was a great day. I meet the electrolysis numbing epidural needle and survived. The point of doing this is that the machine can be turned up to a high level and really hurt the follicles. I need to kill the immortal follicles. This facial hair thing is really old.
Go for it Rach! You are an amazing person (who is overdo posting a new picture by the way) and opening yourself to new people, new experiences is a very positive thing. Go for it!
Hi Monica, I know I need another pic. I will try to get one tomorrow. I have just the one pic of myself. I know that sounds odd but. Oh, I have electrolysis Tuesday and Thursday so I will have some hair on my face. There may be some facial bruising too from the epidural needles.
It was really nice meeting you today. I'm glad to hear you survived. Ramona is awesome and I'll be back down there Friday for some more clearing of my own.
Hi Amber, it was nice meeting you too. I agree Ramona is very nice. Good luck Friday.
There is a car show Sunday in New Hope and I was thinking of going. Something to do at a minimum.
I have thermolysis tomorrow and blend Thursday. I am sick of the hair.
I had a date with a trans man last night. I did not feel any connection and he has a lot going on. My thoughts were he needs to concentrate on himself right now but I could not tell him that.
This is something I did not realize until my Saturday phone therapist was asking me questions today. In the past week I did not think about killing myself. Not one time.
There is a car show in New Hope tomorrow and I will take the 1999 30 anniversary trans am to the show. I can not enter it in the show until next year. To be honest the show has some very expensive cars and I am only there to socialize and see some nice cars. My goal is to talk to strangers and feel comfortable or at least look comfortable.
I had my eval at work and did well; I am so relieved.
Have a great time at the car show. There will be lots of folks to speak with and I'm sure your car will draw some interest.
Judi
Hi Judi, thank you for your support. Because of you the threat of severe thunderstorms I decided to not go to the car show. There will be others. Next year I will enter my car as it will be a classic. I did drive it today and I am feeling pretty much at ease with the stick. You tube was my manual transmission teacher.
Voice
My voice is sounding better. I still have a long way to go but my hz is down to 280, still too high but better. The folds are just about to touch as some moisture on the vocal folds now creates sound. I think I am starting to have vocal folds touching too, at times. This is so exciting. Not having a voice for the most part is difficult. I did not notice or realize how people with a vocal issue are treated. Transition is a journey that has taught me so much, about myself and others.
Voice,
My voice is a little better. My pitch is still too high and I am horse but better. I see the doctor in September. It has been 3 months 5 days since the glottoplasty. I am 270 to 290 HZ counting 1-20 in what use to be my low registry. So there is some progress but it is very slow.
Therapist,
My therapist recommended I go to a therapist that does EMDR for things in the past. I would stop seeing her for the treatment and then resume seeing her and then reduce our appointments to every other week. Therapy is coming to an end. I am on the other side of transition. I still have a few issues I am working on.
electrolysis,
I have 2 one hour weekly appointments and every 5 weeks or so I am going to Papillion for 4 hours with numbing and the machine turned up high. I am tired of the facial hair.
Rehoboth Beach,
Friday-Sunday, I am getting excited. I am staying on what is called the gayest street in America, we will see. it is Baltimore and the boardwalk. Goals, go to the beach in a bathing suit, read on the beach under an umbrella, eat seafood, walk the stores and walk the boards.
Hiking,
I hiked 5 miles, 900 vertical feet with a 110 pound pack Saturday. I may go back down to 85 pounds for next week Friday morning. The 110 took a lot out of me and I will be going to the shore Friday morning.
The beach
It is about 7 AM. I am looking out my hotel room window at the beach. I keep thinking how am I going to put on a bathing suit and go to the beach? People here seam nice and accepting so it is not so much them as me, I guess.
Maybe this is like pealing an onion, another layer has to come off. I have gotten use to being in public with semi revealing clothing (fitted clothing) but never so exposed. Even in male mode when I went to the beach I wore an undershirt then when transitioning a rash guard. Now all that would separate me is a thin layor or material.
I need to do this for me. I wish does not matter, I have done a good job aligning myself, doing my best to look good and now cloths off, by myself beach time approaches.
I have had dreams in the past of me being on the beach. I was just me and there was no appreciation or fear. Perhaps I anticipate stairs or someone pointing or whispering. There is not much for me to concur left in my transition. This is one of the last hurdles. I guess being with a guy will be the last hurdle.
I was thinking thinking the hotel pool would be a place that is more close quarters than the beach so I may want to tackle that tomorrow.
I found an lgbt friendly bar last night and may stop in there tonight. If anyone was to talk to me there is no way they could hear me. My vocal power is too low.
It is beautiful here with perfect weather. This is the nicest hotel room I have ever been in. It has two bathrooms, two large beds and a huge wall of windows floor to ceiling looking at the beach.
This is a completely different subject. Skin
I have noticed as people age why do their facial skin thicken? Mine has not gotten thicker. Is it hormone related or some other reasons?
I guess it is time for me to get to the beach ready drill.
How in a the world do we survive transition is beyond me. So many confidence tests and so much change. So much surgery. In the end it all adds up to being yourself. Why are we treated like criminals? 200 priests in the Philadelphia Archdiocese were molesting children over 20 years and the church allows this but I am an outcast because I am trans. I would never hurt a child yet alone abuse one and I am the one that is cast out. I think people in general think trans is a sexual condition and not a gender mismatch. I need to focus on the beach.
Beach time.
Rachel,
You fear this because you fear losing your dignity. Well, with everything I know about you, you have that 'in spades.' Don't give in to fear, be yourself. That is more than enough. Once you go out on that beach, you will have another piece of sweet freedom to be you. Being you is pretty awesome. I did the beach thing this summer. I think if it is that hard for you, you put one foot in front of the other and just do it. Look at the sand if that would help. Remember, people are self absorbed, they are into their own worlds. Get settled first if that helps and get the lay of the land then take off the extra clothes when you feel it. Good luck Rach, it will be okay.
Moni
To help build confidence at the beach grab a simple wrap or loose piece of fabric to cover more than the bathing suit when walking there, the way some women carefully plan out being casual (becomes automatic over time). Once you feel comfortable you can remove the wrap knowing it's there and can put it back on when you feel like it. As a taxpayer you own a share of that beach just like everyone else.
Thank you Monica and Kendra, I was able to go to the beach. I did not go in the water as there were a lot of jelly fish larva which is unpleasant as they sting. Like you said, no one really cared. The fear was much worse than the walk. I was on the beach most of the day.
Three times I got up to pee while on the beach. I used the public bathroom and there was a line. No one said anything or batted an eye. I purchased lunch at Grotto Pizza and it is all that good.
Rehoboth
I stayed about mid point on the boardwalk and that is a pretty much a family location. Poodle beach is pretty much where the gay guys are. Where I was some lesbian couples with children and hetero families.
The shore point is nice and there is a nice shopping area with lots of different shops to please everyone. I found the prices a bit high. There were no issues with me being trans at all.
I can go to the New Jersey shore points going forward.
Self,
I was very self conscious about my body. I found my body to be pretty good in comparison to woman my age and many younger. I think if I get to my goal weight of 180 (188 now) then see how I am proportioned I may be where I need to be.
Hair is really good.
One thing I have noticed as I went from 220 to 188 is my jowls are much better. Perhaps if I get to my goal weight they may be just fine. I am tall 6'2" (as of last year) and I have a bit of muscle from rucking. My tummy and obliques could use a little less fat. I do have some tummy definition.
When I was laying on the chair on the beach I noticed my thighs are a bit fuller. I was really surprised, It looked really feminine. My thighs just touch but ever so slightly with jean shorts on.
My breasts are I guess about average with thin woman and smaller that many fuller figured woman. I am on the smaller side but not bad. I will ask Dr. McGinn in September if she thinks I can go larger and if so can she provide a letter of need. If she does I will proceed with a larger BA. But then again, it may just be good enough. The whole body thing is circular. At some point I may be 100 years old with large perky boobs, why.
I was going to go into a crowded bar that had a LGBT flag outside. I chose not to both Friday and Saturday night. I thought what will I do. My vocal power is very low so talking in the bar is not possible and I will be drinking diet coke. I though why, there is no point. I thought if no one talked to me I would be tempted to drink. How long would I be in there 10 minutes, 30 minutes or maybe an hour. So I just walked around and window shopped.
All in all a great trip, lots of self discovery and exploration.
I hiked in the park today 5 miles with a 90 pound pack. It was overcast and rained off and on. I was going to go down town, eat dinner and just walk around. I went to a movie instead. I felt like, well I do not really know how to explain it but it did not feel right.
Thinking about not going down town to eat and walk around Penn's Landing or Old City, I realize I never did that alone before. The feeling was of fear and apprehension. There is a lot of people down town and they are pretty accepting but I never did it before alone. With my family we would go to a place and eat and then leave. This time would be different. I would go to eat and mingle alone, which feels very strange. Well vulnerable comes to mind. Perhaps my family provided me safety to be in social situations, a role. I need to experience the vulnerability and try new and different things. I need to do this and I need to be in touch with how I feel and address the feelings.
Tomorrow I think I may try it again and go intown for dinner and perhaps stop in a lower Market street bar.
So I joined a gym near my house. It was a good experience. I was shown the woman's locker room and the woman's only gym space as well as the rest or the gym space. No one batted an eye.
So some big decisions
I have been going to one electrolysis person on Tuesdays and my therapist and another electrolysis person on Thursdays. My therapist has a new job and she can only see me on Tuesdays. The electrolysis person on Tuesdays is very close to my house and can only see me Tuesdays. So I an thinking about stop seeing my therapist or seeing another therapist if I need to. Maybe I am ok to fly solo. Perhaps I can pose the question to her. I have a 2 week layover as she transitions to her new job. Tough decision.
I was called today by a friend who suggested I apply for a position at another facility in town. I do not think I am able to meet their needs but I said I am in for round one. It would be great experience but I never would apply for the position if I was not asked. The fear is if they take me to round 2. I really do not want to leave where I work. Time to confront some fear.
With joining gym and being suggested for this position I felt that I was not being treated different or excluded for being different. Maybe it is Philadelphia or maybe it is the people I associated with but it felt good. Maybe not being under daily negative influence has started to allow me to feel better about myself.
I have an appointment at 7:30 A.M. with Dr. Sataloff tomorrow. He is that doctor that did the first (Cricoidthiroid seduction) and second vocal (Glottoplasty) procedure. I had the Glottoplasty on May 14th and my voice is very hoarse and I can not be heard with any background noise. I need it correct and I am very tired of the vocal issue.
I am on the fence on whether to get a second opinion from Dr. Thomas. I think it is obvious that the web was very aggressive. My pitch is in the 300 HZ range (290 to 450 hz). Strange as after the first procedure I was at 170 to 185 HZ range. I wonder if I just had the glottoplasty then I would be fine now. I wonder if the web was too aggressive (It looks that way). Some day I will post a pic. Right now I am not until I am done with this mess. When I am done I will show a pre first procedure, post first procedure, post 2nd procedure and the final pic with outcome.
Transition is series if decisions and outcomes and then more decisions. It is helpful to know others paths so as to show others what the possible outcomes are before they take the same step. I will provide that feedback when this is over.
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Electrolysis, there must be a better way. Right now I do 45 to 60 minutes a week thermolysis and 1 hour blend. Once a month I go to Papillion for 4 hours with numbing and the machine turned up. Electrolysis hurts no matter what. I wonder if there is a place that does anesthesia and whole face clearing?
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Therapist is scheduled for 6 PM next Tuesday after electrolysis. I do not know, how the schedule will work out.
I do not know if I need to go to a therapist any more. I still have some issues with dark thoughts but I allow them to pass by and I do not allow them to latch. I really have done all I can and the best I can to be at this spot right now. Looking back only causes pain and suffering. Looking forward I have some hope mixed with some fear. The fear part I am working on to just do what I am afraid of.
Rachel,
I love how you are tackling your fears. I know it is really hard to do. You continually show how strong you are, and you are an amazing role model for those who are struggling. You're the best!
Love,
Moni
Rachel, did you ever inquire about that other position in your company to see what it entailed? Even if you wouldn't necessarily apply, it might be interesting to see what its' about and it would be an opportunity to get some face to face time with others. Don't let the fear of change paralyze you.
I've spoken about whole face clearing with my electrologist and her opinion (as well as my thought) was that it was too damaging to the skin to attack it all at once. I've heard others explain how they were horribly swollen afterwards. I understand the places that do it have other opinions. I've heard of one business in Texas but I'm sure there are others. I'm still going for two hours per week and I'm finally catching up with new growth. I don't have beard shadow any longer.
I think there comes a time when therapy has run its course. It did with me. This might be a a good time to go solo since her schedule has changed and you seem to have a handle on things. All my best.
Judi
I found this report of voice feminisation surgery - http://www.tsroadmap.com/physical/voice/voicesurg.html - I would not recommend having any more surgery as I think it would be more likely to make things worse than better.
Hi Monica, thank you for the kind words. I do not think I am a role model though. I am just truing to regain some normalcy in my life. One of the things that bothers me is the amount of alone time I have. I like being alone to a point but I like being with someone too.
Hi Judi, I agree. Multi day electrolysis is very hard on the skin. I am just frustrated at the slow progress. I have 2 one hour electrolysis sessions and one 4 hour session (at Papillion with numbing injections) next week. It is just a long and painful process.
I spoke to the board member that mentioned the position opportunity. He mentioned it to the CEO and I will be contacted by the head hunter. It is not with the enterprise I am presently with. I am not qualified and will not get the job. I really do not want it either. I will interview for the experience and exposure.
Hi Mary, I agree. Another surgery could be more Trouble. I will be seeing his singing coach and speech pathologist. My pitch is high and slowly coming down a little at a time ( I am 280 to 310 ). My vocal folds do not touch and that is the issue. There is a growth behind the one vocal fold and it is distorting locally one part of one side of a vocal fold. My voice is slowly getting better; I am impatient. I see the doctor in 6 weeks.
The doctor had a new fellow. When they did the vocal fold scope he was at a different angle than the past fellow that had scoped me 4 or 5 times. The growth did not surprise the doctor and he did not say anything too much about it. He listened to me as I did his vocal routine. He said the male sound in my voice is gone and I am high in pitch and he said his vocal team will work with me and that he can hear good qualities in my voice. All I can hear is a hoarse voice.
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I did a presentation today with two others about energy and energy projects. I was just a tad bit nervous. Being trans is one thing but having a weak hoarse voice is another. I like being me but this voice thing is tough.
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I received some feedback from several people about how I walk, leaning forward, my shoulders being rounded and the speed of my pace. One person said I should walk with a book on my head. One said I should be more fluid in my gate. Another said I need to swing my arms. One person said I should sit on a street corner and watch woman walk. Another persons said I should walk slower. One person asked if there is a walking coach. These suggestions came from 4 different persons over the last two weeks, unsolicited. I guess I should focus more active attention on the subject when I walk.
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Tomorrow I hike and cut the grass. I want to go to a place I have not gone since a month after my Mom died. We had the after funeral lunch there and then a month later we got together, my and my sisters family and had lunch. My nephew was about 6 weeks old. I looked down the table at all the people and for a second I caught a glimpse of what looked like my Mom standing behind my new nephew. I turned to let my wife (at the time know) and looked back and it was gone. There has been a lot of family history in that restaurant. I want to go there tomorrow night and have dinner.
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One of the most powerful things for well being is community. I need to find my community. I lost my family and a reason or part reason for being lost. I have a need to replace the close bonds. Someone to share good times and bad.
I had a phone therapy session Tuesday. We are doing a face to face in 2 weeks. I think therapy is coming to an end. Every other week for now and perhaps for the fall.
I still have brief thoughts of suicide but just on the surface. There is not prolonged episodes and no plans. So that is going the best since I was 11 or 12.
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I think the whole girl thing is not phase Mom and Dad. I had dinner at a place our family would go. I loved that place and had not been there since when my Mom died. There are so many memories in that room. Awesome dinner !!!! I forgot how awesome the seafood is there.
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I really love my new gym and spinning and the sauna. I need to do the yoga there too. I want to do group classes mostly. No issues with the cis there.
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I went to group tonight. It was good. There are a bunch of groups in Philly. My therapist recommended I go to many of them, just once and see how they fit. I am lonely and really want to find a companion. Perhaps I can find someone at group or someone they know. I will keep my eyes open at the gym too. Since I like rucking I should look into a rucking meet up.
There is an open trans meetup at a bar in the gayborhood once a month with guys that like us there. My friend meet a nice guy there. I think I will e-mail the woman that runs it ( I am a friend on face book). I will need to take off work the next day I think. It ends later in the evening and by the time I get home I would get very little or no sleep.
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Lunch in New Hope tomorrow or maybe Lambertville Inn. Definitely chocolate ice cream at my favorite home made ice cream shop. A stroll down Main street Lambertville is a definite maybe and a walk across the bridge. I think I will drive the trans am there.
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I was hoping to have my voice finished so I could go to India. I may need to postpone till Spring.
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I was driving home tonight. there is so much addiction in my family it is sad. My father and brother died at age 59 and it was the best thing for them, sadly. My aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, father and brother were or are all addicted for the most part. I am free and my sister is mostly free. I feel better than any point in my life. Starting life at 56.
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Electrolysis, I do a 1 hr. session twice a week and every 5 or 6 weeks a 4 hour at Papillion with numbing with the machine turned up. Tomorrow is the Papillion day.
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Voice, I am discouraged. I saw the doctor and I am scheduled for some specific therapy with the singing and pathology coaches. I see him in 5 weeks. I have made progress but it has been 4 months 1 week since the operation. I will give it 6 months and then schedule an appointment with Dr. Thomas if I am not satisfied with the progress. I may post monthly recordings and get input from people here.
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It's been a long and rough road, but you are winning Rachel. If you can stay clear of addiction and ideation you can put up with not everything going to plan. I think you have been an inspiration to many people in the forum.
Hi Mary, thank you for your kind words.
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So I am seeing my therapist every other week. Tuesday is when I see her next. I kind of think we are pretty much done. I am getting use to being alone and although I will always feel exposed and vulnerable I am dealing with it.
Being alone has some good sides to it. I do not get negative comments all the time (constant). I do not fear physical harm from someone I live with. I am just realizing how good that feels.
I am alone but I work with people and have work relationships there. I take two to three spinning classes a week and there is contact there. I could do meetups or go to LGBT specific social events too. Risk and change is difficult. The risk is putting myself out there and not finding someone, finding someone that is abusive, finding someone that is nice and I want to spend time with. What do I want.
Being vulnerable and having hopes dashed, trying and failing are all things that hold me back. Again, I am holding myself back. I recognize this as a hurdle and I want to tackle it.
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Electrolysis is really getting on my nerves :) . I really need to get this hair thing done. The hair on my face will not give up. It is really a pain :) . Seriously electrolysis I really getting me down. I am hoping to get the hair thing under control this year.
@Rachel Dear Rachel:Heya girl, please do not overthink all the issues and things that you mentioned in your last posting.
Regarding your therapy and therapist... only stop seeing your therapist when you feel comfortable doing so but based on all that you said, I am thinking that continuing on with your therapist would be a good thing.
I can understand completely about being alone... I have never been married and I only have been in one serious relationship when I was in college, many years before I transitioned. Yes, being alone does have it's good points that I do take advantage of... but I see so many of my friends that are in happy and wonderful relationships and I envy them many times for the things that they do and share with each other.
I know that you have read my thread and commented there often so you do know my story and the fact that I am dealing with lots of local friendships with both men and women... and burgeoning relationships involving my interested suitors. I find this exciting for sure but also quite frightening to me as well... because now I am dealing with this as a woman... new territory for sure. Yes, as you stated:
"Risk and change is difficult"But the old saying.....
"no risk, no reward" ..... is ever-present in everything we do.
I apologize for my reply sounding like a pep-talk for you, but regarding what you stated about
trying and failing...
... we have all heard
"that it is better to have tried and failed then to have never tried"..... and toward the final years of their lives, most people will say that
"they don't regret what they did in their life near as much as what they didn't do." Those points certainly apply to all of us that are transitioning but also in just about every other life endeavor.
Regarding your fears about electrolysis.... get it done, it is a big important step in your transition goals. Consider it like going to the Dentist... it is usually not a pleasant thing to do, but it has to be done.... (I know, that was a very poor analogy) . ;)
Wishing you well and please keep keeping on, you have worked too hard and long to not continue on to your personally positive and happy results.
Please know that I consider you to be a very positive and most supportive member here on the Forums and your posts and comments offer so much help and kind thoughts on a lot of the various thread benefiting many here. You are an invaluable resource here on Susan's.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Hi Rachel,
I had my last meeting with my therapist on the 10th. I did not set another appointment with him because I thought I had no pressing problems to talk about. We left it open for me to call and make an appointment if I feel the need to do so. Since then I have been having second thoughts about that decision. I am now looking at GCS with Kaiser. This decision came after talking to my therapist. It has occurred to me that I may have call to talk about this some more.
I also remembered an incident on this last road trip that kind of threw me for a loop during a talk several of us were having regarding children and acceptance. I sort of zoned out with painful thoughts of how my experience wasn't good like theirs were. That pain is still there just beyond the shadows. It found it's way free for a little bit. I am thankful I am still taking my antidepressant. I hate to think how I might have been without it then. Needless to say I put a damper on the conversation. I may yet have more to talk about with my therapist.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is think carefully about ending that relationship.
As far as the companionship thing goes I am sure it is difficult to put yourself out there but you will probably need to at least give it a try. I know two people that are older than you are Hun, that thought they would live to the end of their days alone. In spite of their despair they happened to meet and unexpectedly something happened between them and they are now girlfriends. You no doubt know I am talking about Michelle and myself. So Rachel it can happen and there is more hope for a younger lady like yourself. There is someone out there for you. Go find him or her.
Hugs,
Laurie
Edit: changed not to now typo. ljw
Quote from: Rachel on September 30, 2018, 06:47:38 PM
Electrolysis is really getting on my nerves :) . I really need to get this hair thing done. The hair on my face will not give up. It is really a pain :) . Seriously electrolysis I really getting me down. I am hoping to get the hair thing under control this year.
Hi, Rachel. I hear you about electrolysis. I hate it. I hate the fact that I have to go every week. I hate growing out my stubble for several days. I hate the pain.
But I like the fact that I can now, coming on for two years in, feel progress. There is an end in sight. I like my electrologist. She is a nice person, and very competent at what she does. I like that my meditation skills have improved, thanks to the need to detach from the pain.
Hang in there. It has to be done, and you will be glad that you did it.
Rachel I understand the electrolysis stress as well. I'm getting near the end but not close enough. Argh! I do not go out on the days I grow out so I am frustrated with regrowth. At least I'm pretty much down to the white hairs. Hang in there. It will end soon!
Judi
Hi Danielle, Thank you for your support and kind words. I enjoy reading your thread and hope you find happiness and someone to share a relationship with.
I still need a therapist and will continue to see her every other week. I will focus the time on learning new techniques' on addressing trauma. I think this would be a great focus for me to try to address. Discussing and reporting back to her on my experimenting on the techniques she recommends I try. She recommended Reiki touch, trauma yoga and a third I forget. anyhow, I need to schedule just one and try it and report back to her.
I was once told by a very smart Moderator here to not be jealous of the one thing be jealous of the whole thing. An example is a young trans woman that was very beautiful and had a boyfriend. I was so jealous of how she looked and her relationship. Then she said he ex-boyfriend gave her HIV. Later her T count dropped and continued to drop. She was so young and beautiful but she got sick. I did not envy her when over time she shared her struggle.
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Hi Laurie, I am so happy for you and Michelle. I am happy you are pursuing GCS too. Awesome , just awesome :)
We all have a finite amount of time, I hope you and Michelle have many years of love and sharing.
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Hi Kathy, I agree, electrolysis is not fun. Thank you for your support. I hope you are done with it soon.
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Hi Judi, thank you for your support and I hope you finish electrolysis very soon.
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**********Triggering**************
My therapist asked if I have any suicidal thoughts of late. I told her very few and not deep and not long lasting. They are like two ships passing at a distance. I think that is fantastic. I think in the past two weeks I though about it in passing once. Pretty good. I told my therapist I will eventually kill myself as I will not die as my Mother and Father over a 3 month period in pain. But as of right now there is a moratorium on suicide.
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I have been super busy at work. I have not been active with Pride at work in the past month and I will not be at outfest this weekend. There was a point when I first came to Susan's I read some expressing this and now I feel the same. I just want to live my life and fit in. There comes a point in transition where I do not feel I need exclusively queer spaces to feel safer. I feel safe and somewhat adjusted.
Can you say DSW. I am going to DSW today and shoe shop after I get my hair colored and cut. I am so excited :)
Have an awesome day.
Rachel
That's good that you've been busy at work. I think you've earned a trip to DSW!
I agree that after a point we need to live in the greater world and just fit in and be ourselves.
Have fun shopping!
Judi
Quote from: Rachel on October 06, 2018, 10:28:23 AM
>I am going to DSW today and shoe shop after I get my hair colored and cut. I am so excited :)
I wanna see your new hair color! Can't wait.
I was just about to place an order with DSW :-)
Happy for you Rachel, you deserve many good things coming into your life.
❤️❤️
Quote from: Rachel on August 02, 2018, 08:35:12 PM
I went to the Philadelphia Trans Wellness Conference today, then my therapist then electrolysis.
[...]
I felt so out of place at the conference. I use to go there to listen to medical providers about HRT, FFS, hair transplants, BA and GCS. I did all that. I am moderating 4 seminars Saturday. Non of which are about transitioning. I chose yoga and mindfulness and the like.
Hi Rachel,
Have I met you before? Darn, I should've gone to the Trans Wellness Conference. I was scheduled to teach yoga on the first day there, but I had to decline because I wanted to attend my yearly Aikido summer camp. I had a big room scheduled there, too, and it would've been fun teaching there. I used to teach at the big Bikram studio on 15th and Sansom with 40-50 students in the large room sometimes. My pic was in the Philly Metro when they reviewed my yoga studio. Yay!
I'm glad you got to spend some time down in Rehobeth and I'm glad you're finding things to do in the city. I was actually down that way twice this summer, once in Rehobeth in July and once in Ocean City a few weeks ago. My timeline for surgeries is very similar to yours. It appears we're only a year apart on many things. For me, I chose to make the LGBT community a very small part of my life (it used to be a very big part of my life back when I was the infamous Kalina Isato). As a post-op, I've had little real success on dating sites (OK Cupid) having gone out with 22 guys that I'd care to remember (the rest I choose to forget), forming 3+ month relationships with only a handful of them, and keeping two as longterm friends. I've only had one non-call-back (that is, one dinner date and he never called back) and one who told me he got violently ill when he found out I was trans (and the
<not allowed> is an Aikido person, too... so much for the art of peace and harmony... I should tell his Sensei that he's an ass!) On a busy week, I've gone on dinner dates 3 nights a week with different guys. When I'm not having dinner with a guy, I fill my time with fun stuff, like yoga, Aikido, archery, writing (I just finished writing my first book on yoga available at Barnes & Noble), fine dining (I'm a Yelp Elite reviewer and get invited to parties with free food), going to music concerts, etc. I try to keep myself in great shape and I think that's why it's pretty easy for me to meet guys. Meeting guys at straight dance clubs is not a problem for me. Guys seem to like yoga girls. I have a lot of friends, both conservative and liberal and many of them are wacky in their own way. I even have a longtime friend who claims he's genderfluid, but he's more like a fetishy crossdresser. He's cool because he's open to different foods and we dine at different restaurants. He's my foodie friend.
My life is pretty well balanced because I made it a point to live my life to the fullest. I survived cancer and a near fatal car crash in 1998. I was told I had a low chance of living beyond 5 years. In 2003, I celebrated by reinventing myself. I've experienced the joys of parenting and the sadness of divorce. I found love again, or thought I did, twice, living with a man and a trans woman over the years, both long term relationships (5+ years). I've stopped going to therapy ever since I had my GCS back in 2012. My last therapist actually said I didn't need to come back. Every now and again, if I feel sad, my five years of therapy, including my voluntary stay at a psych hospital, has given me enough tools to cope with the big D word. My support system is not other trans people, but just other people, a small percentage of whom are trans.
My point in saying all of this is Philly is a great place. You will be fine. You will meet someone. Don't limit yourself in your dating adventures. Go find as many things to do to occupy your time as possible. You will meet plenty of people that way. Go out with as many guys as you can find. Talk to them, eat with them, do fun things with them, and by that I don't mean sex. The reason why I've avoided much of the LGBT community nowadays is it's all about sex for a lot of the transv* and some of the transs* people (the guilty know what i mean). I'm just *me* and I'm doing quite fine making it as a straight woman by integrating myself into society. Be all that you can be! Sure, there might be an odd look here and there, but everyone gets judged if you think about it. Don't let that get to you. The important thing to remember is women should never cower away from an insulting glance from another woman. That's how some women assert their dominance over other women. Instead, look them straight in the eye, find their biggest flaw (after all, nobody is perfect), and lock onto it and then their eyes in a knowing glance. You will never be dominated by such cretins again. If your opposition is a man, you can just look at him in disgust as if you just told him to
<not allowed> off :)
Hope this helps. You seem like a good person and I hope you find happiness and greatness in all that you do!
@JudiBlueEyes , Hi, I went to DSW but they did not have size 13 or 14 in the store. I did see size 13 on line so maybe I will order a few paires to see if they fit.
I agree, just being me and being in cis places is important. I am invited to an event tomorrow night with 40 to 60 trans woman. I like going to those too. I guess it is good to be able to go to both. I am socially awkward so it is good to get out and do things even thought it is awkward.
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@Kendra , Hi, I will need to take a pic. I am blond now and have curls. My hair is getting longer. You look beautiful in your avatar.
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@SadieBlake , Hi Sadie, thank you. I hope your DSW order arrived and everything fit and looks great.
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@GeekGirl , wow, there is a lot of really good advise in your post. Thank you for sharing.
I agree, I need to do a lot of different things and just have fun. I joined a cis hetero gym very close to me and I spin 3 days a week (addictive) and hike with an 85 pound pack 5 miles. Tomorrow I will be in the state park at 0530 and hike for 2 hours (sunrise at my favorite part of the hike) then spin at 9:30, cut the grass, stop at a bar near me that is a really big singles place then if nothing is happening there go to an outdoor fire with 40 or so trans woman.
I think I would like to become a friend (donor) of the Art Museum. They have quarterly events for their donors.
I would love to do yoga and may add that into my gym routine. I really want to add the battle ropes into the routine.
I am definitely working on my body. I want to be in excellent shape and am on my way to getting there. My arms need work and my back.
You are definitely right. I will try different things and see what comes of it. My therapist and I are working on goals and it is in the socializations and trying new and different social opportunities. So your advise is exactly what I am working on, thank you.
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Voice update, my voice is still hoarse and low in power. I am not happy about it and will see the doctor at the end of the month. I do not know what to do. If he recommends an operation to move the vocal folds closer together I think I will do that. I have apprehensions about a third operation. I will most definitely see Dr. Thomas for a consultation either way. I am really adverse to another vocal operation but I think it will be in the cards.
Boobies, I wanted a full C and I am a 42B. When I see Dr. McGinn I will ask her her thoughts and recommendation. Insurance will pay for another operation if I get a letter of need from the doctor. The sad part is my breasts are so well done but just not the size I wanted. Would I make a huge mistake if I have another operation. I really am getting tired of operations and just want to live my life. What happens if my 2nd BA has complications?
Hello, first off I wanted to share that I have been feeling wonderful. I no longer have dysphoria and I am really liking my body. I love shopping for clothes and looking my best. My hair looks great and I am enjoying my exercise and eating routines. I really feel wonderful and happy to be alive.
I just returned from Papillion Center. I had a 3 hour electrolysis session with numbing. I am bruised. I have electrolysis with my routine people Tuesday and Thursday. I go to Papillion every 5 weeks for a 3 to 4 hour session on the areas that are very sensitive.
I also had an appointment with Dr. McGinn. When I saw Bianna in the summer there was a portion of the skin that healed together from my revision. It did not look like anything big but that Dr. McGinn would need to cut it. It was schedule for fall because there are a lot of procedures scheduled for the summer and it gets very busy there. Anyhow, I was asked if I wanted numbing ( I just had my face injected a lot with numbing for 3 hours of electrolysis sessions); I just said no only if you want to. The connection was cut then trimmed on each side. I just held my breath when she did the work. I gained an inch of skin but now have a 2 inch U I will be treating with silver nitrate for the next 10 days. Dr. McGinn showed me how to do it.
I have another vaginal operation scheduled for April 2019. Dr. McGinn was pleased with how the vagina has softened and she wants it to soften even more before the operation. She will be removing a lot of skin and stretch mark scars with the procedure. She will be loosening the skin back in the thigh and redoing the bottom of my vagina such that it curves in. I want to cry but it is for the best. This has been my 14 visit and 4th procedure (including GCS and revision) for my vagina.
Dr. McGinn showed me the cutest video of her daughter. Her daughter and I have similar hair in curl and color. I can never thank Dr. McGinn enough for all she has done for me. I think I am alive a large part because of the work she has done for me.
Papillion is moving to new location that is bigger at the entrance to Village Center. I have a lot of memories in the old place. Lots of people I know that I have seen there and my new beginning. I am sure the new place will be bigger.
Sorry to hear you need another surgery, great that Dr McGinnn is able to do such a good job with your revisions. She is getting busier glad she got more space. Keep us updated on how you are doing.
@mm, thank you for your support.
I had my speech therapy session tonight at Dr. Sataloff's offices. I did not make another appointment. I see the doctor next week. I need to know how much more time should I wait until my vocal folds touch. Will my vocal folds touch? I am horse and I cannot go on like this. My thought is to see Dr. Thomas for an opinion. Dr. McGinn recommended I go to South Korea and see Dr. Kim. I do not know what to do.
I guess I am feeling discouraged about my voice. I need to make a plan and act on it.
My vagina operation will provide a lot of positive benefits. I will go into the details later but it will provide a lot of benefits.
When I step back I am very lucky and need to put things into perspective. I am discouraged that things that I planned do not work out. With my vagina I understand there is just so much that can be done at any one time and Dr. McGinn is making that area beautiful. My voice I know I am making progress and the work looks beautiful. I guess I am not realistic in my expectations. Maybe my body heals differently and it is me.
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There are things I heard but have not fact checked in politics that is upsetting. I will defer comment other than we and other disparaged segments of society have been used over time to swing large blocks of votes. I know it is not fair and I know it hurts. I know bigotry is alive and well and people use others for their gain. I feel as though when the veil is removed there is a very ugly side of our society.
I have learned so much about people in the past 6 years. I have learned even more about myself. I will overcome.
Rachel I was happy to read that you have been feeling good and love your body. Living the live you were meant to life has a certain appeal! It is good to be alive.
Despite the need for revision Dr. McGinn seems to be taking care of you well. That's awesome. Don't let any of that get to you. Its just nature as we heal the way we do. The best part is things can be adjusted. You have a good team on your side.
How sweet that the doctor would show you that video of her daughter. Many physician's shy away from personal contact like that with patients so I know she has an affinity for you. This is totally understandable. After reading your posts for years I agree you are a special person. Thanks for sharing! {Big Hug}
Judi
Hi Judi, thank you for the kind words. I agree, the team is wonderful. Special person, hum, I do not think so but thank you.
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Voice, I had an appointment with Dr. Sataloff today. His fellow scoped me with a nurse. The doctor came in with the fellow, an observing doctor, my speech pathologist, the nurse and the aide. The scope showed the opening at the bottom of the vocal folds has healed perfectly and the vocal folds touch when vibrating from the bottom to 80% to the top, which is normal. I still have a growth behind the left vocal fold which they attribute to acid reflux. I am scheduled for an acid monitoring test for 24 hours. This is a small probe that measures acid over time. The goal is to see if it is caused by acid. If so then there are dietary changes and the growth should go away. If acid is not the issue then either it will be surgically removed in the OR or if I can tolerate it in a procedure room.
The small growth is causing a distortion on the upper side of the left vocal fold at the top. The doctor believes that distortion will go away when the growth is gone. I am on reflux meds now, morning and night. It may mean tablets and alkaline water.
My HZ is base at 270 which was about 330 6 months ago. The doctor thinks it will settle perfectly at about 240. I can go lower to about 230 with effort and into 500 HZ. I am a little hoarse and low on vocal power. The vocal power is improving. He said at the rate I am healing I will need 6.5 more months till I have a final product. I am not gendered male on the phone and I am gendered female. My old speech pathologist said I do not sound male in any way and I sound female. This is from an I phone recording I sent her via messenger. The I phone app recorder is very critical on the recorded voice.
So voice is progressing. He did day it would take 6 months to a year to fully heal. I am impatient and overly critical. I record my voice daily and denote the HZ test I do. I hear improvement every week. I am gaining in articulation now and that is something I missed very much over the past 5.5 months. I have been practicing sliders and I will be practicing articulation now too. I have the ability to vary my pitch as proven today so I will begin to relearn.
I think one issue (besides the growth) is that I am relearning speech on a very different instrument. Sounds weird but it is the only way I can explain it.
Aetna settled the glottoplasty invoice. They were paid 100% what they billed, $74,000. I do not know what to say.
I am being treated very well and I am impatient. I was a bit depressed about the long healing time and scared too. I have had it with operations and if I need the growth surgically removed I will do my best to have it done in a procedure room with a local and not an OR. I really dislike general anesthesia.
One of the tricks to treating Acid Reflux is not to lay down for a few hours after eating. Going to bed right after eating is the worst thing you can do as it causes your stomach acid to move up and cause problems. If you need to sleep, do it in a sitting up position. My roommate had this issue and along with antacids, it helped a good deal with the problem.
I never thought I had reflux but when I started to loose my voice several years ago my ENT (after scoping) determined that acid reflux had caused my vocal chords to be "fried" (my term, not hers). There was a name for the type I had/have which is a quick flush of acid up and down. Although it may very well have been due to what Dena suggests, reclining or laying down too soon after eating. I take an OTC medication daily and all is well now. I hope this can be resolved easily for you Rachel.
Judi
Hello Judi and Dena, thank you for your help.
I eat between noon and 6 PM and have at least 2.5 to 3 hours before I sleep. I take prescription medication before I break fast and before bed. I had no idea I had an issue. When I was scoped there was discoloration on my esophagus.
I had the glottoplasty and the healing looks awesome. The exception is the top left behind the vocal fold. There is a growth. I have a 24 hour acid test Wednesday into Thursday. They stick a probe down my throat and measure the acid for 24 hours. I do everything as normal. Which means work and spinning. I hope I do not puke.
Anyhow, the doctor said if it is reflux caused growth then he will prescribe alkaline XYZ to treat it. If it is not acid reflux based then he will remove it in the office if I can tolerate it or in the OR.
The doctor said in time if my voice does not go down in pitch by itself then he can take a portion of the web down in the office if I can tolerate it or in the OR. I think the pitch is lowering gradually. I think it may be fine if the growth is removed.
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I had planned on gong to a bar near me tonight. I did not go. The thought was to go there and get some dinner and have some diet coke at the bar. Tonight was to just see how the place is layed out and see if it is worth while going back.
When I was doing voice lessons in Doylestown there were a few places I thought some day I could go to and check out. Then again there is New Hope and a few places I want to check out after hours.
This weekend is shot but next weekend I will pick one and go on Saturday night.
Tomorrow I will spin then I will have Pho for lunch with my ex near me. Perhaps I will hike in the afternoon.
Last Thursday it snowed. I have an appointment to have a tube removed. It was for a 24 hour acid test. Anyhow, I had to get that tube out. It went in my nose, down my throat and in my tummy. After the tube was removed I went on my way to go home. Oh no Philly with 4 inches of ice slush at rush hour. It took me 4 hours to get home. WHYYYYYYY!!
Anyhow, on 16th street I had to stop for a red light. The guy in the car behind me honked the horn. He wanted me to block the intersection by crossing the street so he could turn. I Would not do that. He hit the horn and let it blast. Then he got out of his car. He had tats on his face, neck and arms and he was screaming at me. Four times he told me to move my car by saying F*****g C**T move your car.
So I had a tube removed from and I felt so relieved. I was in Philly ice/slush rush hour traffic and a guy was screaming at me. The light changed for the third time and I was able to cross the street. As I was driving home I could not help but think this guy gendered me right. I was so happy. He was very upset and if he thought I was trans I am sure he would have said something else.
Anyhow, in a very emotional guy he saw a woman 100%. It helped with the long drive home.
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On the way to work that morning on I95 there was a truck overturned and two cars involved in the crash. It was not that far ahead of me on the left and it was early so traffic was not bad. I slowly passed the crash and remembered almost 6 years prior how desperate I was to end the pain. An accident on I95 with a tractor trailer was the plan. As I passed the crash I thought about the state of mind I was in and how things changed. I felt so lucky to be alive.
Anyone thinking it can not get better and thinks about stopping the pain please know you can face the truth and some day feel lucky to be alive and be yourself.
When I first saw my first therapist after a while I knew I had to transition. She said it takes a lot of work. I did not know what she meant by that. Well it took a huge amount of work.
Own it, girl! >:-)
I remember your early posts well. I was in the beginnings of my transition struggles at the same time. I have watched your journey as I have made mine. Glad you took the correct path. We made different choices to satisfy different needs but we have both arrived on the other side. Welcome home.
Stevi
"Anyhow, in a very emotional guy he saw a woman 100%. It helped with the long drive home."
Rachel, every dark cloud has a silver lining I suppose! Still I'm sorry you had to endure that abuse.
We are so glad you are alive and well, and here to tell us about your journey. You have been an inspiration for so many. Transition is a lot of work; physical and emotional. But those us that come out the other side are most certainly better for it. I know I am. And I see you are as well. [BIG Hug]
I know you're glad to get that tube removed, yuck!
All my best, Judi
Hi Stevi and Judi, thank you for your kind words and support. I a glad you both chose the path less walked too.
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So on Thanksgiving I want to work and had two WaWa hot dogs for dinner. I was feeling down.
I had dinner at my ex's place tonight with her and my daughter. It was a very nice time.
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Stomach acid and swallowing tests:
Funny thing about the tube was that some people at work did not say anything to me and just ignored the tube. I wonder if it made them feel awkward. There is one woman I know very well for a long time and she would not even look at me or mention it.
I need to call Dr. Sataloff's office Monday and inquire if they have the results back yet. I am curious about the results.
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Voice:
My voice is entering into another phase. It started two weeks ago and progressively it had gotten to a point where I can project my voice. It was like puberty where my voice all the sudden changed. I can project my voice now. At first the vocal folds were rough and have progressively gotten smoother. My HZ has lowered to 206 to 230 hz. I can access higher pitch and am starting to try inflection on the new vocal pattern.
When I look at my vocal fold pics and compare it to others the amount of vocal fold that was webbed appeared to be 60%. I requested a laser not be used. The reason I requested that is there are a lot of parts to a vocal fold and I did not want them damaged by the heat. Doctor Sataloff said it was my choice and he can do the work either way. So I chose a scalpel. He said it did not make a difference.
I wonder if it just took time for my scar tissue to become soft for the vocal folds to vibrate and close correctly or more correctly in my case. Anyhow, I am a long way from my voice being correct but this is a great first step. I am optimistic now and have some hope that my voice may be usable :) .
I think it's that people don't want to mention it out of fear of insulting you. Which is good...
That's great that your voice is getting stronger. I've heard it takes a lot of time for vocal surgery to fully heal and the voice to get to a point of normalcy. I can easily talk in a feminine range but I'm not consistent in application since I also have a reflex issue as well as some damage from all the inhaled meds I've taken over the years. I'm thinking of seeing an ENT or voice therapist this coming year for an assessment on what's possible to get some consistency.
I'm glad to hear you're feeling optimistic!
Judi
Hi Judi, thanks. If you get a vocal assessment and decide to get surgery I recommend taking your time and make a very informed choice.
I have been clean and sober for 21 years but I am one impulse away. I keep away from tempting situations as much as possible. When I go to community parties I am very careful and leave early. I was at a party in June and left early. It went for a day and a half. I was so tempted. Now that I have a voice I can go to community parties again (no fun just standing there and not being able to be heard). I think there is one tomorrow night through Sunday.
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I went to Papillion today and had 4 hours of electrolysis with numbing. Ramona is awesome and Bianna is too. My upper lip was worked on for 4 hours and then my left side. Next time there is Dec. 20.
I have a 1 hour electrolysis appointment tomorrow and then next two Tuesdays and Thursdays and then Papillion again.
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I feel really good. Tomorrow night I will stop at a singles place close to where I live. My goal is to get something to eat at the bar and have a diet coke or two. Hopefully someone stops over and starts a conversation. Then spinning Saturday morning and I will go into the main gym for the first time and start working out. I hope to Ruck this weekend and spin Monday and work out in the main gym.
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So my goal this weekend is to start socializing and meet people.
Wow I don't know if I could tolerate 4 hours in my lip. Ouch! I've started walking on the treadmill since the weather is getting rougher. I think I'll head out on a trail tomorrow as it will be nice out (dry).
Great news about getting out. Its hard but we all need to do it.
Quote from: Rachel on November 29, 2018, 07:11:06 PM
Hi Judi, thanks. If you get a vocal assessment and decide to get surgery I recommend taking your time and make a very informed choice.
I have been clean and sober for 21 years but I am one impulse away. I keep away from tempting situations as much as possible. When I go to community parties I am very careful and leave early. I was at a party in June and left early. It went for a day and a half. I was so tempted. Now that I have a voice I can go to community parties again (no fun just standing there and not being able to be heard). I think there is one tomorrow night through Sunday.
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I went to Papillion today and had 4 hours of electrolysis with numbing. Ramona is awesome and Bianna is too. My upper lip was worked on for 4 hours and then my left side. Next time there is Dec. 20.
I have a 1 hour electrolysis appointment tomorrow and then next two Tuesdays and Thursdays and then Papillion again.
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I feel really good. Tomorrow night I will stop at a singles place close to where I live. My goal is to get something to eat at the bar and have a diet coke or two. Hopefully someone stops over and starts a conversation. Then spinning Saturday morning and I will go into the main gym for the first time and start working out. I hope to Ruck this weekend and spin Monday and work out in the main gym.
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So my goal this weekend is to start socializing and meet people.
@Rachel Dear Rachel:I have been following your most recent posts regarding your voice, acid reflux, surgery, and having that very uncomfortable tube removed.
It made me cringe a little when you talked about the surgery and other voice vocal chord issues...
...so, what is the status of all of that now?... I trust that healing is going as planned and that you and your doctor can get your voice to the point that satisfies you.
Oh my, 4 hours of electrolysis on your mouth.... ouchi!!! With or without numbing, you are a brave girl. ... and more electrolysis on December 20th !!! Is that another grueling 4 hour session that you have planned?
Please continue to keep your thread updated as you have been faithfully doing
now for
1 month short of
6 years.... kudos to you!!!
I will be eagerly looking for more of your updates as you feel free to post them.
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle
Hi Danielle, thanks for the support.
I do two one hour electrolysis sessions weekly and once a month I go to Papillion for 4 hours of electrolysis. They use numbing injections. I had my genital clearing at Papillion, 6 sessions and they did a great job down there for GCS. So I figured I would go there for my face. They use numbing and turn the machine up. So hopefully it will bring the face hair thing to an end.
My voice is progressing very well. For the first 6.5 months there was little progress. I was discouraged and thought I had made a huge mistake. I had gone to what I was told the best in the field and he was in network as well as the hospital. Still I had very little vocal power and I was hoarse. My vocal folds did not touch. Then they touched at the bottom and then the whole fold was touching. I was still hoarse and had very low vocal power. Tuesday I had vocal power and it was pretty clear. It is getting cleared each day. I am so very excited. I can not tell you had devastating it is to lose your voice and as time goes by I became discouraged and a little depressed. I though I would give it a little more time then seek other doctors for their opinion.
What is interesting about the web is that it looks very different than what I saw from other glottoplasties. I had about a 60% web. At about 40 % up from the bottom was a central focal point and the stitches radiated outward. I will post a pic or two in time. My voice is about 208 to 230 hz base and I can go upward from there. I need to practice this. it is like learning a new instrument.
My voice is progressing. I need to start practicing all the techniques of a feminine voice again now that I have something to work with. To me my voice sounds very different when I talk. When I listen to my voice recordings it sounds higher in pitch and lighter yet very much the same. I can hear parts of my old voice yet it is different.
I was really hoping to go to India and Thailand this fall. My voice set me back and now I have a procedure in April 2019 so perhaps fall of 2019. I want to check out the locations for two reasons. One is minor medical tourism and the other is possible retirement locations in 12 or 13 years. maybe I just want to escape to somewhere for a little while and lose myself in a foreign land and experience their cultures. I give it a 50% chance I never get there.
Work is really over the top right now and very stressful. I need to remain calm and effective. I lost my cool yesterday and I need to be very carful. I know the holidays are adding stress and work is over the top. I just need to think positive thoughts. Some moments of ideation are creeping in. I miss my family. I think it is all related. Maybe I need to take a few days off but what would I do? I am better off active and involved.
I do not know if I ever want to be in another relationship again. I know I am not over the loss of my family and I think I need to somehow find happiness but how. I no longer have dysphoria and I am fully transitioned the best I can. What to do?
Great to hear about the progress with your voice!
My voice is quite feminine because I was taught to modulate it by a female speech therapist two decades ago. Plus it was high pitched to begin with.
Hi Maid Marion, thank you for your support. You are lucky to have started with a high pitched voice.
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Voice,
My voice has been progressing in smoothness and in strength. I was surprised this morning to listen to the voice recordings from the last two weeks and I can hear a very distinct improvement in voice smoothness. I am now working on intonation and inflection. I am also working on not punching my words and beginning a sentence smoothly.
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I do not know how to say this PC but I will try,
I have been feeling very good. I have had some rough spots but overall I feel very good. I have been feeling very healthy and have been regaining a libido. I have been thinking about finding a guy more often.
So, those that have been reading this can you please give me some advise. What do you do to increase your chances of finding someone? Where do you go? I am a bit scared of doing things new but I really need to break out of my shell. Any help would be appreciated.
Rachel
Quote from: Rachel on December 14, 2018, 05:22:49 PM
So, those that have been reading this can you please give me some advise. What do you do to increase your chances of finding someone? Where do you go? I am a bit scared of doing things new but I really need to break out of my shell. Any help would be appreciated.
When I was looking for someone, I realized that trying too hard would give off a vibe of desperation and would be counterproductive.
So I resolved to get involved with activities that involved other people, and that were fun and meaningful in their own right. Best case, I might meet someone nice with shared interests; worst case, I would be doing something enjoyable with other people. Either way, I wouldn't be constantly "on the prowl" and therefore wouldn't be giving off that vibe.
The activities I picked were a hiking club and a vegetarian society. I picked them because they were meaningful to me and reflected my personal values. You should pick activities that are meaningful to you.
The strategy worked spectacularly. I met a nice lady in the hiking club, we dated, we got married, and she is still with me through my transition.
First, congratulations on your voice, or moreso that you are hearing it now! Good news Rachel.
I can't give any advice on where to find friends other than to expand your circle as I have recently have through Meet up. I've joined a hiking group and recently an art group that tours museums. The hiking group introduced me to interesting folks but I really hit it off with a few people in the Art group. I'm not looking for companionship just people with like interests to keep my mind sharp through conversation and exchange of ideas. Any good relationship will take some time to develop so I recommend starting in a safe and wholesome environment. As we've all seen, there are all kinds of people out there that may not exactly be who we want to hang around with. This would also be a way to slowly, or at your pace, break out into the world.
I've endured some very, very long stretches of loneliness in my life. We are each unique and I certainly don't have all the answers but I know what worked for me. Most important is being able to accept and be okay and actually like myself. I found it nearly impossible to find and keep good relationships when I hated who I was in so many ways. Beyond that, it's interests. Not simply aiming for the goal of friendships and relationships but stepping back and thinking about what activities and interests are most interesting. And then finding people who are into similar interests. Or going outside comfort zone a bit and exploring new interests. Because those interesting activities often involve people, and one thing leads to another.
Habits take time and effort to break. I still find myself saying "no thanks" to social opportunities, and then realizing I could have somehow found the time, and then inevitably discover it was a good decision when I go.
Hello KathyLauren, Judiblueeyes and Kendra, All three agree to do the things I love and find those of common interest.
I love to Ruck and secondarily hike so that will be a great meetup opportunity.
I purchased a 1999 30 anniversary Trans Am with the expressed intent to go to car shows. There are car shows in the spring I will be going to. My intent there is to meet people and maybe a person that finds me interesting. I would love to sell the Trans Am and I really want a 1967 fastback corvette. A girl can dream. I do love the trans am and I have the side blue flames to install in the spring. Lastly I will be getting the Daytona 500 decals to put on it. I have car #258 and it is original.
I am going to join a range in Bucks County in the spring. There are always a lot of guys at a range on the weekend. So perhaps I will meet someone there.
I did one meetup at the Philadelphia Art museum and there was a huge group of young children there and the meetup never happened. There was a lot of confusion due to the large group of children. There was a puppet show and the children were on the steps from the 1st to 2nd floor and that is where we were to meet. I will give that a try again. It is a good dead of winter event. It was mostly woman but I can be flexible in my sexuality.
I love New Hope and I want to move there. The commute to work is stopping me, for now. Perhaps there are some good places to go there at night I need to find. In town in Philly has some meetups for night life too.
Thanks for the suggestions.
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I went to Papillion today for 3 hours of electrolysis with numbing and that went great. Then I went in town in Philly to my Thursday electrolysis appointment and that went great too. Then jumped on a 3 hour conference cal for work. So much for a day off.
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Papillion gave me my pre-op testing paperwork when I was there. I forgot the amount of workups I need to do. Blood, physical, prostate exam (bet he can not find it , LOL), chest x-ray two view, cardio eval for anesthesia and maybe something else.
I had a thought to ask if I could do a BA revision. My insurance would cover it with a letter stating need. I really do not know what to do. 50% of the time I think they are fine and 50% of the time I think I would look better if they were bigger. Too bad I can not show them here and have a poll. Or maybe I can If I where a bathing suit.
I had 555 cc implants and I would go yo 800 cc if I had a revision. What if I had a revision and I thought they were too big.
______________________________
I want to have a little jaw skin tightening (mid face lift revision) in the future and I was thinking Mumba. I have put that off till mid 2019. I was thinking about some tummy and oblique fat removal too but I am losing fat there and by spring I may no longer need that at all. I am looking not bad there now.
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Libido, I have been on a new supplementation program (enhanced) and my libido it like when I was 12. It is driving me mad.
I will be changing my food intake proportions soon. I had to add a little meet into my diet 2 years ago as I was always below normal protein and anemic. I had weekly blood tests for a while and got my iron up and protein to low. That is with a 20 gram protein supplement and some meet ( I had veggies for dinner and forgot meet). I really love stir fried veggies with fermented been curd paste. I need to get 60 grams of protein twice a day. This is my goal for next week. I had 20 grams of protein from my supplement today and some protein from nuts, which is way low.
I am into increasing my mitochondria and take supplements to reinforce this, I do time restricted feeding and high intensity exercise. I need to add 2 60 gram portions of protein with low GI foods to go anabolic and build lean muscle and release prolactin and little to no insulin. I want to try 4 months and see what this can do for me and how I feel.
Right now I feel better than at any point in my life.
Rachel
Quote from: Rachel on January 11, 2013, 10:02:26 PM
I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.
One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).
What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.
In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.
I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?
I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.
My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).
I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.
I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.
I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.
I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.
Rachel, you just told my story and I'm close to crying. My wife suspected I was "different", probably gay (wrong), from the very beginning, during our honeymoon. She told she was concerned that we had sex only once during our honeymoon. I rarely initiated sex and was not overly interested, although I tried and it just felt weird to initiate.
I came out to my wife 3 weeks ago and she is happy for me. She already knew I had a strong female drive and identity and wasn't surprised when I told her. But, she didn't bank on being married to a woman and this is important to her. I am not able to meet her needs as a spouse; we are good friends and that is not enough for her to maintain a marriage. I understand that and have to respect her feelings and needs.
My children are so important to me and divorce will be tough for them. Telling them I am transgendered will be tough for them as well. So much change in so little space and time. I'm happy and excited for my next phase of life, but I am scared to death about the impact on my family. Ultimately, the kids will be better off because my spouse and I will be happier.
"The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean," is a profound statement. I get it and have experienced this. I am sorry to those people I hurt in the past because of my male persona. I have been told by people know I am TG that I am happier, more easy going, more relatable. That is powerful.
I know your original post is from 2013, 5 years ago, but it is an important statement even today, particularly for someone who is over 50 years of age, with an established career, and who is married with children. Your story is so relevant to someone like me. Thank you for sharing.
I know there is a future, a beautiful bright day will I will flourish.
Thank you again ... I'm still trying not to cry ... HUGS xoxox Zoey
Rachel's story is one of two reasons I joined this site. The other reason is I am transgender and not that long ago was trying to figure out what to do, and how.
Quote from: Kendra on December 20, 2018, 11:57:33 PM
Rachel's story is one of two reasons I joined this site. The other reason is I am transgender and not that long ago was trying to figure out what to do, and how.
I agree. Rachel, @Michelle_P, Laurie, and @HappyMoni were the rockstars who brought me here. It's possible I would have muddled through anyhow, but their stories and friendships were what caught my attention and drew me in. Oh, there was one other, who was building her courage to come out to her parents just before I did: @Kendra, rockstar extraordinaire.
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 21, 2018, 12:35:42 AM
I agree. Rachel, @Michelle_P, Laurie, and @HappyMoni were the rockstars who brought me here. It's possible I would have muddled through anyhow, but their stories and friendships were what caught my attention and drew me in. Oh, there was one other, who was building her courage to come out to her parents just before I did: @Kendra, rockstar extraordinaire.
Stephanie
I agree Steph. I joined because of HappyMoni too. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be here. She is a pain in the butt and is a real wise ass, but over the years she has grown on me. (In me?) :P
I won't name the people who influenced me, as I would leave someone out and feel bad. Well, I have a special place in my heart for Denni. We started together and shared so much. I can cry at the mention of her name. I miss her dearly. :(
You ladies are amazing. You really kicked butt and took names. I am in awe of the obstacles overcome. We can all be proud of what we have accomplished. It is nice that we all seem to care about those who come after.
Rachel I'm so glad you are feeling better and you've also turned the corner on the voice procedure :-).
I'm curious what you're using to pump libido??! Its always nice to hear what works for people.
Zoey, divorce was inevitable for my marriage if I transitioned. I tried to bargain and reason. I gave time and reinforcement of my love. In the end my ex married what she thought was a guy. I changed the terms of the marriage. At first I wanted to do anything to stop the divorce but I knew it was best for both of us.
In reality we grew apart over the years and our daughter was our focal point. She was turning 18 in 6 months or so when I fully transitioned and divorce was initiated. Our daughter is 21 now and graduating college in 6 months. I am so very proud of her. I will not be invited to the graduation.
There was a huge cost personally when I transitioned. I spent a lot of money and endured a lot of pain becoming comfortable in my body. I think that one day in my room in Boston alone throwing up was the most painful and hardest day of my life. In many ways there was no turning back and I had to make some very tough decisions over the next few days. I stared at the bottle of pills for 2 days, not taking a single one. I was afraid of opening up the bottle. I spoke to my therapist and together (she on the other end of the phone) I dumped the pills in the toilet. FFS and no pain meds after the hospital. I did not take any after GCS or revision GCS either.
No matter how bad you feel or how bleak things look you can endure and eventually thrive. I think Plato said something to the effect you are rich if you can be happy with little. I was alone for thanksgiving and face being alone tomorrow (perhaps not). I became angry and hostile. I realize I am hurt and need to express the hurt but not by acting out at others. I am still growing and learning. This is a journey of a thousands of steps and I do not mean distance. The holidays has taught me to understand the pain I am feeling and it is from the loss of family associated with things I shared in the past.
Tomorrow my ex invited me over to give presents to our daughter. It is at 9 AM. I can not eat until noon and she knows this. So I guess it will be brief. I already send my ex a gift card and our daughter money for a new mac. So, I will look at the bright side. I will see them tomorrow morning.
We all experience our lives with others in different ways. I know you said you are excited to become yourself. I was and am too. I am so very glad I am finally able to be me. I miss some of the things from my past family life and some of the things I am so glad are over. I wonder if I was to find someone else, how would I process my present stressed relationship. Hopefully in a positive way.
I am so very glad I had a therapist during the journey. I see her in a month due to the holidays, skype if needed sooner. I have come to the conclusion I will let go of the past and accept the new normal of the present and not press for the future.
I wish you luck in your journey and I hope you can work out continuing your family relationship in some constructive way.
Happy Holidays,
Rachel
Quote from: Rachel on December 24, 2018, 07:03:18 PM
Zoey, divorce was inevitable for my marriage if I transitioned. I tried to bargain and reason. I gave time and reinforcement of my love. In the end my ex married what she thought was a guy. I changed the terms of the marriage. At first I wanted to do anything to stop the divorce but I knew it was best for both of us.
In reality we grew apart over the years and our daughter was our focal point. She was turning 18 in 6 months or so when I fully transitioned and divorce was initiated. Our daughter is 21 now and graduating college in 6 months. I am so very proud of her. I will not be invited to the graduation.
There was a huge cost personally when I transitioned. I spent a lot of money and endured a lot of pain becoming comfortable in my body. I think that one day in my room in Boston alone throwing up was the most painful and hardest day of my life. In many ways there was no turning back and I had to make some very tough decisions over the next few days. I stared at the bottle of pills for 2 days, not taking a single one. I was afraid of opening up the bottle. I spoke to my therapist and together (she on the other end of the phone) I dumped the pills in the toilet. FFS and no pain meds after the hospital. I did not take any after GCS or revision GCS either.
No matter how bad you feel or how bleak things look you can endure and eventually thrive. I think Plato said something to the effect you are rich if you can be happy with little. I was alone for thanksgiving and face being alone tomorrow (perhaps not). I became angry and hostile. I realize I am hurt and need to express the hurt but not by acting out at others. I am still growing and learning. This is a journey of a thousands of steps and I do not mean distance. The holidays has taught me to understand the pain I am feeling and it is from the loss of family associated with things I shared in the past.
Tomorrow my ex invited me over to give presents to our daughter. It is at 9 AM. I can not eat until noon and she knows this. So I guess it will be brief. I already send my ex a gift card and our daughter money for a new mac. So, I will look at the bright side. I will see them tomorrow morning.
We all experience our lives with others in different ways. I know you said you are excited to become yourself. I was and am too. I am so very glad I am finally able to be me. I miss some of the things from my past family life and some of the things I am so glad are over. I wonder if I was to find someone else, how would I process my present stressed relationship. Hopefully in a positive way.
I am so very glad I had a therapist during the journey. I see her in a month due to the holidays, skype if needed sooner. I have come to the conclusion I will let go of the past and accept the new normal of the present and not press for the future.
I wish you luck in your journey and I hope you can work out continuing your family relationship in some constructive way.
Happy Holidays,
Rachel
Hi Rachel, I hope you enjoy the time you spend with your daughter tomorrow. I can't tell from your post the type of relationship you have with your daughter. Perhaps as she moves forward in her young life, establishing her own place in the world, you and she will find time to connect more.
I am personally ambivalent about the holidays and wrote a post today in the general section about this. You gave up much to accept yourself and I hope you found a community where you live that provides love and support in addition to your therapist. I hope you are not going through your transition alone.
You have gone through a literal life-changing transition. You needed to be strong to do this and this strength will help you navigate the future as well. You will find more positives, I'm sure.
I keep telling myself ... be strong, be confident, be wise.
Thank you for responding at this time of year. It means a lot to me to make these connections.
Hugs Zoey
Hi Sadie,
I do quite a few things for my health. I think it stems from being alone and trying to keep as far away from my old habits. There is a huge amount of addiction and deaths from addiction in my family. So keeping in the straight an narrow is something that is a constant in my life. With that said I do several things to aid in my health.
Time restricted feeding. I eat in a 6 hour window per day. I want to eventually eat in a 4 hour window but with work it is difficult. I think I can do this. Perhaps I will try narrowing the window in half hour increments in the new year.
High intensity exercise. I ruck with a 65 pound pack 5.25 miles on Saturday mostly I do this in 1 hour 38 minutes comfortably. I timed myself Saturday, Sunday if it is raining. This is a 18.7 minute mile. I never thought to increase my speed until Alaskan Danielle mentioned it. I need to get some wet weather gear. After I ruck I shower then go spinning. I burn 550 calories at spinning on Saturday and 450 on Sunday. I also spin on Wednesday and sometimes Monday. Decreasing my ruck time and increasing my spin calories are both objective in the new year.
I ruck and spin and time restricted feed. So I am very hungry on Saturday at noon so sometimes I wait to 1 PM to eat. Sometimes I skip eating when I come home and spin. I do this on purpose to cause my body to consume canescent cells (old cells that can not replicate but cause inflammatory cytokines, inflammation).
I do cheat sometimes with my eating. I do like chocolate and I purchases 95% cacao thin bar today. Milk chocolate is something I love but eat very sparingly. I do go to a bakery and buy raspberry twists and a brownie some times after my Saturday ruck spin thing. Perhaps twice a month. Next year my goal is once a month bakery treat.
It is important for me to keep my insulin down and I do. I have not been diabetic for 5 years. My insulin was OK before that but a little high at 110 to 115 at blood tests. I am 89 to 95 now. At age 36 not eating for 2 days my insulin was 260 and that was with medication too. Long haul different story.
I do not drink, smoke, do drugs and do edibles. I am triple X. I did mess up a bit when I did my second hair transplant in the airport and took 10 pills. The good news is I was able to stop and I keep the remaining 10 pills in my purse as a reminder. It is not about having it, it is about choosing to not take it. I have a lot of opiates from my different surgeries in the house and I choose not to take it.
Ok, high intensity exercise and time restricted feeding.
Next, I eat very clean. Nuts, blueberries, sweet potatoes, stir fry and the like. I am making a conscious effort to eat more protein. It is difficult but I need to eat 50 to 60 grams twice a day. It is important for me to have two protein intakes of 50 to 60 grams each but no more or less. I take 20 grams of hydrolyzed collagen per day at lunch. I am adding meat to lunch too. I need to add meat to dinner too. I eat basami rice ( I cook it then freeze it. When I use it I fry it in a little peanut oil) and veggies with fermented bean curd paste. I love this and eat it almost every day.
I make 00 capsules full of my favorite things. I take 3 of each (4 of the glucoraphanini and myrosinase):
blue green algae,
chlorophyll,
astrazanthan,
glucoraphanin and myrosinase ( I make this and process this myself)
hot pepper
turmeric
Then I take purchase pills and capsules.
Resveritol*
PQQ 20 mg with 400 mg coQ10 and 300 mg ubiquinol ( this have made a huge difference in libido)*
high amount of DHA
prenatal multi
Folic acid and B12
NADH from Elysium
and about 10 or so more supplements
*great for mitochondria health and mitochondria neogenesis. Making muscle and high intensity exercise are needed with this as well as time restricted feeding and good sleeping habits and good food intake. I need to get more protein.
When young HGH and hormones make muscle and health. When older you need to play a different tune. Simple sugar is to be avoided as it can and will overload the mitochondria. This is unless you exhaust the glycogen in the liver and muscles such as when you go very high intensity exercise. Even still it can only be done very infrequent.
I would love to participate in gene project to reduce aging and restore DNA functionality. (Different story)
The only good thing about winter is the spring clothing will be out soon :)
Shoes, I need a low cut boot. I am on a mission.
Can you say sweater sale :)
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My goal is to have a great body this spring for the beach. I will be going to Belmar this spring. I am rucking 1 day a week and spinning 3 to 4 days a week. I am seeing results. I hope to be in shape. I have an operation April 3, 2019 and hope to be able to work out 2 weeks later. Maybe light work outs at 2 weeks post op.
______________________
Work is very stressful. I have been thinking and I need to do things differently. I have a plan in place.
______________________
I think I will not pursue larger breast implants. I am pretty happy with what I have. Larger I think would be more proportionate to my torso but it is not anywhere the issue I had before the BA. I had 555 ml implants. So perhaps I was jealous of woman with larger breasts.
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This is something I did not expect. At spinning class I spin on the same bike each time. The people around me do too. It is becoming a little like a social gathering. It is nice. I still need to get into the main gym and so a little upper body work, perhaps tomorrow.
________________________________
My voice is progressing and my voice is much smoother now. I am pretty happy with the results. I think I will be seeing improvement for another 5 months. I am pretty excited. One thing is that to me my voice sounds completely different. When I record my voice I can hear a little of my old voice, perhaps 20% with 80% new. My head voive is 100% different.
@Rachel:
Dear Rachel:
A wonderful update that you just posted.
Yes indeed, it is in the dead of winter and we will start to see the spring clothing coming out soon.
Also, with the variety of sweaters available it is easy to find ones that meet your needs,
not too heavy,
not too light,
not too loose and
not too tight.From the sounds of your workout routines with the rucking and spinning classes... you definitely we see results.
Perhaps you will be ready to show off your beach body in late April or May... of course we will all want to see pictures.
Regarding work being stressful... if you feel so led to share, what is your "less stress" plan?
New job perhaps? A promotion?
Regarding larger breasts, just be very certain about your wishes and desires... and it seem that you are happy with what you have now. For me, I am very happy with my 34B or 34C... any larger and they might become a hindrance with my activity levels jogging, running, hiking, working out, etc.
Bigger is not always better.
Regarding your spinning class and forming a friendship group... that is so very affirming. As you may have read in my thread that I am part of a weekly Gym-Gals group, 5 of us, all cis-women including my
tooth-fairy Suitor #4 .... we do lots of activities together other than just the gym meets.... we are all very good friends and we frequently socialize and do shopping trips together. It also makes going to the gym and working out a lot more pleasant.
I am so very happy to hear that your voice issues are resolving themselves and things have improved dramatically for you.... keep up the good work you have been doing on your voice.
Again, thank you for posting and sharing your very positive update.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Hi Rachel,
I really have no words of wisdom tonight. I just wanted to say hello.
Hugs,
Jen
@JLT1
Hi Jen, I want to let you know I went to the final step with my insurance and secured a trans lawyer. He was going to take my case for a percentage. My employer would not allow the issue to go to court and would settle. The court issue would be after a letter to the head of HR. I had put a lot of effort into the book of documents and all the appeals. I had to make a decision and I chose to stop. My employer had been very supportive and paid for a portion off all my procedures with the exception of FFS. I did not feel that it was right to go any further.
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@Alaskan Danielle
Hello Danielle, I read your older thread and new thread. I find a lot of wisdom in what you write. I do not comment a lot. Thanks for asking about the work issues and physical training.
I did not ruck or spin today. I moved a stack of fire wood instead. I needed to sleep in and rest. I hurt my neck last Monday and it is just now getting back to normalcy. I leaned back in a chair and flipped backward. My neck hit the chair behind. Note to self, never lean back in a chair again.
My next free time to spin is Wednesday and I will spin then.
I spin 3 times a week and ruck once a week and do time restricted feeding. Also, I take a routine of supplements and protein and self made capsules for a specific health reasons. I feel great and want to continue on this path.
Work, there are two issues. One I have to say I created. It has taken me a lot of time to realize the types of persons I attracted. My ex and a co-worker. I am learning to deal with the issue by limiting my exposure and being just about business. I am going to try a very different approach with all my staff. It will help with evaluations. Also, I am going to seek out additional professional support for the department and do a bit of restructuring.
The other work issue is with my boss. He said two things to me. One he stopped and I think was going to be very sexist. The other had to do with an initiative we are on. It is very disturbing to work very hard and get negative feedback as the only feedback and at that very rarely.
I must admit I am very sensitive and read into what people say and mistake situational stress with being focused on me or my performance. I can read into things and hear things that are not as negative as I think or feel they are meant to be.
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I have a gcs revision procedure scheduled in April. It will close off the bottom of my vagina and remove some excess skin. This will be the last GCS revision and I will do no more work down there. I am happy with what I have now and only am doing this because it was pointed out as a flaw. I did not notice it. I thought I looked pretty good down there. But I guess it is not perfect. Anyhow, the excess skin will be removed and that will be good to.
I thought my vagina looks good and when presented with what could be considered a flaw or not 100% I agreed to the procedure.
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BA 2
I have come to the conclusion my breasts are pretty good and I want to keep them the way they are. No BA 2. I am getting tired of procedures and I have exactly what I originally asked for. When I am in spinning class I look at other woman and I am perhaps at the 50th percentile. So this page has turned.
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Loneliness
So I am lonely. I need to get out more but I do not feel comfortable doing so. For example, there is a post season football game on now. I could go to a place near me that has middle aged guys and watch the game, or pretend to watch the game. Perhaps someone would make conversation. Instead I am home watching Netflix and typing.
At some point I need to be a big girl and get out to the sports bar. I also need to get into the main gym after or before I spin. There are a lot of guys there.
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Meditation
I am meditating 5 minutes a day. It is a start. It is to relieve stress and quiet a racing mind. Also, I am not reacting to negatives. I am recognizing them and moving on. I want to avoid negative people. They bring you down to their level and it is not something I want to do or be exposed to.
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Clothing
I need to buy some spring clothing and perhaps some winter clothing on sale. Shoes, shoes, shoes, need I say more.
Rachel
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Hi Rachel,
"I am learning to deal with the issue by limiting my exposure and being just about business. I am going to try a very different approach with all my staff. It will help with evaluations. Also, I am going to seek out additional professional support for the department and do a bit of restructuring."
I think this is a good approach. Sometimes it takes us a while to see how we do come across to others. I know I probably limited myself when I was working by not being more cognizant of my behavior.
"So I am lonely. I need to get out more but I do not feel comfortable doing so. For example, there is a post season football game on now. I could go to a place near me that has middle aged guys and watch the game, or pretend to watch the game. Perhaps someone would make conversation. Instead I am home watching Netflix and typing.
At some point I need to be a big girl and get out to the sports bar."
Really? I think if hanging out in bars was your thing you'd probably started by now. How about looking into a sports oriented Meet-up group? Kinda the same hanging out thing only in a cohesive group. That way you would get involved with a mixed group of individuals and wouldn't have to constantly defend yourself from being hit on. You could "retreat" to having conversation with the girls in the group whenever you wanted/needed to. I know there are lots of these groups in my general area. I'm just not into sports. You're in a big sports area with plenty of good teams so there are probably lots of fan groups.
Meditating is good!
I was coming through your area recently and wanted to reach out but it was getting late and I still had a ways to drive. I will next time.
Judi
Hi Rachel,
,
Last Wednesday, I got up, went to work and had a couple of meetings. Then I ran over to the SVC to talk with the staff for an hour over lunch and drove back to work for yet another meeting. After work, I went home, talked with my wife, watched some TV and as I was getting ready for bed, I realised that I hadn't thought about the fact that I am trans even once that day. I was just a woman living a day.
Does that ever happen to you? It was a first for me. But it was special.
Hugs, Jen
@JudiBlueEyes , Hi Judi, let me know when you are passing my area and if I can we can meet up for something to eat.
I am not into sports at all. However, I love to hike and a hiking meetup would be awesome. I think I will do that. I mentioned the sports bar, it is a pretty well known singles place and I really do not want to go there. I agree with your suggestion that having a healthy event and sharing it with like minded persons sounds like much more fun.
I have an issue with alcohol and pills and have been clean and sober for 21 years. I agree a bar is not a healthy place for me.
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@JLT1 , Hi Jen, I still have thoughts that I am trans pop into my mind as I do things sometimes. Like when I go into a bathroom at a place I have never been or buying clothes and trying them on. Shoes are an issue and when shopping I think about that. When I see a handsome guy, I think would he want to be with someone like me.
Work, I think about how I am treated differently now. I had my boss say to me 8 weeks ago that "now you sound like a woman" when I countered in a discussion. Then next meeting has said, "I do not know how to talk to you anymore" before I said anything. I thought to myself how do I communicate to someone that just shut down all communication. I went through my agenda and got out of there ASAP.
Last meeting went fantastic. I said the light bothered my eyes and sat next to him. I had my agenda but opened up and said I had a problem and needed his help to resolve it. I went over the department reorganization and asked for his opinion and thoughts along the way several times. He stopped me and said he could see the future pretty well and he said I told you that you needed a Director. I added and two more operations managers too. He said yes you need that too.
I think I learned a few things when dealing with him. I need to not sit directly across, it may be threatening. I need to not counter when he says something as it may be seen as being winey. I need to seek out his opinion and ask for his help in solving organization issues. I need to remember that he has "keen instincts". How I approach something is as important as what I say or not say. I think this has changed since I transitioned. I am definitely seen differently.
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I rucked 2 miles today not the usual 5.1 miles. I did not ruck the last two weeks. I hurt my neck pretty bad and am 95% now. I had thoughts of further damaging it rucking and being there alone. When I damaged my neck I thought I had broke it. I said to myself, I do not want to die, not now. This is a huge change.
I have not thought about killing myself for a long time. This is something I just stopped doing a while ago, perhaps a years ago. It had been getting better through transition. Then divorce had me in a bad way but that passed. I have a different life now. One that does not include thoughts of suicide.
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Spinning, I love to spin. It has made a huge change in my body. I feel strong and I am losing the visceral fat. I have gained a lot of lean muscle too.
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Dr. Telang emailed me. I was going to go to India for some lower face tightening. Perhaps I would have some fat removed from the tummy area too. My tummy is looking pretty good now so I can skip that. I have an operation in April that I am not looking forward to. My voice operations set me back a year when I thought it would have been 3 months. I need to reply back this weekend but I really do not want another operation. Perhaps in the fall a mid face lift but I really just need some time without operations to just be me.
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I am looking forward to the spring and summer on the beach. I think I will look for a hiking meetup.
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Rachel
Hi Rachel. It sounds like you have been doing pretty good lately. I like the more upbeat postings I have been seeing recently. Your progress is showing girl. If you want to take time to just recover and live life w/o operations for awhile then by all means call them back and tell them "Not interested at the moment". It is your life and you can live it as you are wont to.
I belong to a hiking group on Meetup and recently adjusted my profile to see more choices. I ended up finding an art enthusiast group and have gone on several museum tours already. I've met some interesting people. At the first Meetup a guy came up to me to discuss what I was looking at. Was he hitting on me? I don't know and I'm certainly too naive to have realized it if he was!
You are correct that you have a different life now. I'm glad to hear you've determined how to work with your boss now. Very interesting! I wouldn't have thought of some of the points you made.
@laurie, Hi, I am glad to see you and Michelle are happy. I see that you are on your way to making some big changes. I am happy for you. I know the holidays are difficult times and I am glad you are doing well. I look forward to spring and summer fun :)
@JudiBlueEyes , Hi, I think your hiking Meetup advise is what I will be doing when it warms up. In the mean time I will ruck on the warmest part of either Saturday or Sunday. I love spinning and just got back from a session. I also went into the main gym and started exercising. There are a lot of very cute guys there, so maybe I will have a guy take interest. I may try the art museum meetup again.
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My daughter stopped over Sunday and we were talking. She asked if I would be interested in going with her for a few days down the shore. I said yes. I am so surprised she would say that. I hope we do this. I would love it if her mother would join in.
I see my therapist for the first time in a month and I have a few things I need to review with her.
1) I lost my cool on a co-worker three weeks ago. I apologized and I know why this occurred. It is not who I am and I never what that to occur again. It does not matter he is a jerk and said something triggering. I need to walk away. This was around Christmas and New Years which added to the stress.
2) I have been feeling a lot of sexual tension and I really want to find a partner. It is almost becoming a need. I have not felt like this for a very long time. Anyhow, I need to address my fears and go to places to increase my chances of finding someone. I really want to find someone.
3) I need for her to give me feedback on my voice and passing. I really need to know. She has said I look female but I question that. I do not get misgendered and I am treated female by strangers but I do not know.
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I think if I get into shape and look awesome by going to the gym and spin and do some weights then I would be more attractive to guys. I need to get rid of some more visceral fat. I am not fat but I have some fat in the mid section. It is not bad but I want it gone.
I feel great and have not had any suicidal ideation. I have noticed that about three days after I inject I have an upswing in emotions and 3 days before I inject I have an upswing in emotions. They are the opposite. One is emotions about others (seeing or heating something that touches my heart). The other is about emotions about myself or lack of a personal relationship.
I would like to get a few winter sweaters on sale and I am looking forward to shopping for some on sale winter clothes.
Rachel, my date from last week (A) suggested last night that we have sex tonight. We meet at 5 pm, plan to neck some omnthe bus and have sex as soon as we get to my place.
I'm in the worst physical shape I've been in in a decade -- still far stronger than average, however my stamina is off and I carry more belly than I'd like to. Yet I got laid Saturday (guy, special circumstances) and expect to make love with the prettiest and most emotionally compatible woman I've been on a date with in a decade.
It's about being happy in my own skin. I think people see that and it seems A is attracted to me as I am.
Awesome news Sadie.
I know having some extra weight or having a lower than desired stamina is not what you want to show on an intimate date; however, like you said, you are stronger that most. I am sure your date is seeing past those items and attracted to you for a host of other reasons.
You may be a bit critical of yourself and your partner may find you very attractive.
I think you nailed it, being happy in your own skin. People want to be around happy people and they want to avoid sad people.
I know some people that do not have much in the way of things or money but have their health and a great outlook. People are attracted to them. I think it is that simple.
When going through hell do not stop and do not live there.
QuoteWhen going through hell do not stop and do not live there
.
Good point!
Our stamina was just fine last night I do love being with solidly lesbian women :-)
Gym,
I went spinning today and on Sunday's the teacher offers to take anyone interested into the Main gym. I was paired up to a woman that is really built. She is a spartan and does marathons and challenges. What was pretty interesting was she said three times she always goes in to the woman's gym and now she is in the general gym. I wanted to ask her some questions around that but I did not. There is another woman in spin that said something very similar about going into the woman's gym too. Both of these woman are very fit and built very well. I have a lot in common with them in the main gym issue. Is it because I am trans or because I am a woman. The line is getting blurry.
I think I can go into the main gym by myself now. I realize there are a lot of people that do not feel comfortable with their bodies or lack confidence. It would be nice to have a work out partner but perhaps in time. I am ok by myself. I forgot how good it feels to lift. It has been a while. I love that feeling
One thing I want to do is do squats with weights. I have done a million squats but never with weights.
I brought my new gym bag to the gym today. It is nice and definitely has female accent colors.
When I look in the mirror in the gym I see an upper torso that looks too wide. I guess the good thing was I did not obsess on my face or hair like I use to years ago.
When I looked in the mirror my breasts are definitely big enough.
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It has been about a month since I hurt my neck and I think I am 99% now. It takes one slip or fall to put things into perspective. It can all change in just one accident. Life is short, live life, love life.
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I need to get clearance for anesthesia from a cardiologist and have an EKG with interpretation scheduled. Tomorrow I will try to get that scheduled, again. I have the general exam and blood work scheduled.
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I am hoping to get to the beach several times this summer. So tomorrow I get into the 90+ day get ready mode.
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Now for something completely different,
I had a few orgasms post op but that was it. I had not had anything for about 2 years. I used the magic wand I purchased a long time ago for the first time. Anyhow, It is a wonderful invention and facilitated unbelievable clitoral orgasms (yes plural).
The issue before was it was way too stimulating. I realized to start off very soft and then in time I was able to increase to full contact. Wow. Way different than the male sexual response and sooooo much better.
I do not know if it is the time restricted eating, exercise, spinning, supplements or targeted dried extracts but I feel very sexually alive and I feel fantastic.
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I know I am trans. I think I do not pass completely. I do blend in well, I think. Anyhow, maybe I have been transitioning for so long that I feel right. I feel like I am just me and not trans, not male not female, just me. I never question my gender. I am 100% happy I transitioned (family issues aside) and I know it was the right thing to do, not 99% but 100%. I guess what I am trying to say is I feel right.
Rachel, I'm curious, how long do you have to build that to get to your O?
Inquiring minds want to know! ;-)
Hi Sadie,
O is much more difficult now that I have no T measurable. I take a dab of T Monday, Wednesday and Friday but my T when measured is 0. With higher T O is easier. A T of 40 to 80 ng/dl and O is much easier. I am afraid of a lot of things with higher T. One is hair loss, I had a lot of grafts and want to keep all my hair. Another are the side effects of T (long list) which I do not ever want to experience again.
With that said, the magic wand is a hardy vibrator and it takes time to desensitize the area on low. I use circular motions and up and down motions. I have my whole glands penis in the same spot as before. It is smaller now. My penile nerve was not moved. So, unlike some others, I have no erectile tissue in my labia so I start in the vagina area and slowly work on each side of the labia majora. Then above the clitoris. This is where the nerve is. When the area is desensitized I work on the clitoris, lightly. Very lightly because it is super sensitive. When desensitized a bit I can apply greater pressure. Next there are circular and longitude strokes. Speed is a choice too. Speed of the strokes and of the vibrator.
Think of it like a multi-inning game. There is first base, second, third and home. It takes time and a free mind. enjoy the pleasure and make it come in waves. At a point the waves take over and then there is an ending.
Hope this helps, plan on 30 minutes. I am sure if I surged my T it could be less but the pleasure leading up is the best part.
I have not tried lube on the wand head. HUUUUUUM.
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My dog is at the vet staying overnight for a glucose insulin curve test. Eating alone and not having a friend great you and be happy you are there is not good. I miss him so much.
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Cardiology, EKG, bloodwork and physical all scheduled for pre-work for the operation on April 3. I need to do a drop in chest x-ray. It seamed a long way off but it is coming very fast now.
After this I think I am done down there no matter what. Enough. I have to deal with the pain. I do not think I will even get the scripts for oxi. I did GCS and a revision without taking it so there is not need for temptation if I do not have it.
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I hope your dog's test result is all right. I understand the connection to pets.
Honestly, you need to do what's best for you. You can transition and become a beautiful woman if you're willing to just let your past go. I know it's not easy doing that, but you are a woman and I think the only way you'll be truly happy is making that change. And to be truthful, losing your family is the worst case scenario. It's very likely, in this year of 2019 where trans people have been more accepted than they've ever been, that your wife and daughter will accept you for who you are and support you. You'll never know unless you tell them. And if you tell them and they have a negative reaction, that can just be your drive to go out there and make your transition. I think that no matter what happens, you're going to end up as a very awesome lady. I think being a woman is in your future and you will get there, I promise you that.
Oh wow, I didn't realize that the orignal post was from 2013 lol. I think I'm a little late!
Ahhh I'm dumb lol. I hope everything worked out for her.
Thanks Rachel!
For now I'm still taking T and am mid-range however I plan to start cycling it as I've been unhappy with my mental presence even at that level :-(.
Lately I've not had the emotional energy to really seek orgasms, I asked you because I want to get back to it. The woman I was with last week it took her a very long time to get to her O (smiling inwardly here) and she was definitely a participant, at least that evening she needed to be in control of her clit to get there.
When I am getting serious about it, 30 minutes would be a short session. I've worked on it for 2-3 hours (blushing) and I also experience that the getting there is the part I live for. Yep to the motions you describe and honestly it's best for me now with a partner, someone caring for me and taking pleasure in my pleasure really moves me emotionally (and this is making it hard that my lover of last week hasn't been in contact so much </sigh>.
Yes Sadie has fallen for yet another woman.
Thanks for the feedback Rachel :-)
❤️❤️😘😘
@judiblueeyes , Hi Judi, the dog is on insulin twice a day. I feed him very well and give him his injection. He is a really loving and good friend and I will do right by him. He has a checkup tomorrow at the vet.
@carmen- , Hi Carmen, my wife and I divorced. My daughter will not be seen with me in public and I do not see her much. Everyone is entitled to do what they want and I can not control what someone else does, thinks or feels. I do know that being safe and being myself has some wonderful benefits.
@sadieblake , Hi Sadie, you definitely meet a lot of woman. I am happy for you and hope you have a wonderful time.
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This month I need to get all my pre-operation testing for revision 2 GCS.
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I am making headway with electrolysis finally. I can see an end in sight and hope this year will be an end to electrolysis.
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In the fall I do want to go to India and have a lower face lift with Dr. Telang. Perhaps some vaso lypo and perhaps an upper eye lift. These are the things that bother me but at what point do I just stop. I am 1.5 years behind on these procedures. These are all cosmetic and it depends on a lot of factors as to if I proceed.
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Dr. Sataloff mentioned injection my right vocal fold with a substance that would looses the scar tissue and allow the vocal fold to move freely. I think that will be done in 6 weeks when I see him next. My hertz are perfect. I add in the singing coach with my next voice pathologist visit.
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One question I have is do I put myself out there to find company or do I proceed as I have been doing. It is not like I am cloistered. Sunday after spinning I will be in the main gym and Wednesday after spinning I will repeat the routine. I would go into the main gym tomorrow after spinning but I need to get the dog to the vet at noon.
It takes me a lot to change my behavior and do something outgoing and different. I think I will concentrate on fun things and things that interest me. If someone finds me interesting and want to talk I am always open to conversation.
I'm glad you're taking care of your pup!
As to changing behaviors, I agree that it can be difficult, more so as we age and "settle in". But then we throw in transition and its a whole new game. I had to force myself to get out but I'm glad I have. I still have a little bit of electro to be done and I don't go out when I'm growing out, despite it hardly being noticeable. Internal paranoia I guess.
As long as the gym satisfies your needs for the moment its fine, but eventually you'll need to expand your reach. I know its hard to picture ourselves in the world but... After one of the recent museum meet ups I was on the organizer posted a few candid photos of the group in the gallery. I was in several and I was taken aback on how I looked and fit in with the group of mostly women. Having seen candid photos at family weddings and such I know how I look but this was different and I was quite pleased. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there Rachel. You're a beautiful woman.
@judiBlueEyes , Hi Judi, I need to do an Art Museum meet up. Did you look under LGBT or just Art Museum in meetup?
Thanks for the compliment. I am going to the gym for several reasons. 1) I want an awesome body or at least a nice body. I am in good condition but I want to be in great condition. 2) I have an operation in April and I want to be in great condition. 3) I want to make friends. 4) I want to do high intensity work outs. I need to get back in the sauna.
Today at the gym I was put in a group phone number to save our bikes if we are going to be late. Odd but we get attached to the bike we use all the time. The thing was I was asked to join. Another woman said how she was apprehensive to join the gym, then spin and that she found a friend in spinning. This was a different woman. Another woman asked if I was going into the Main gym tomorrow. I said yes and she said great. So I am making friends. Friends have friends and I hope they will develop into social contacts.
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With the super cold and snow I have not been rucking. My neck is getting better. So in a little while I will join a rucking meetup or hiking meetup. I am hoping the people there will become friends and friends have friends.
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So I really want to make a few friends to do things with and I am hoping they can introduce me to their friends. Time will tell.
In my Meetup profile i've listed Museums, Performing Arts, Weekend Adventures, Women's Social, Conversation, and some outdoor things. I'm in a Museum group and an Art group. They seem to overlap in their activities which is fine by me. I have struck up conversations with a number of women in them. I'm trying to show I'm approachable and interested in friendships. We'll see where this takes me. I'm optimistic that these are good groups for that. I recently joined another walking and social group that is closer by my home. I'm hoping to do more of the outdoors activities like hiking and kayaking in the spring.
I think the thing I've had to do is push myself out. Once I'm engaged in the talk and all I'm fine. I think you're on the right track!
I went to therapy Tuesday. I go every other week. I cried about 30% of the time.
I talked about group and how I can no longer go there. I feel out of place there in that I am at the end of transition. and feel really good about the place I am now and no longer think about gender or suicide. I no longer have questions about procedures or coming out or HRT. I guess that is normal. I cried as I miss the group and friendship. I think most of all I miss the acceptance from others like me.
Marriage, I think it is better we are divorced. I know I feel safer and do not have constant negative comments and a threat of violence. That feeling of dread walking into the house is gone. I cried there to as I am lonely. I know this sounds odd but I liked having someone there and going out to eat.
Being alone. I talked about being alone and how it is difficult. My therapist said when I am ready I will reach out. So I must not be ready. I am close. I never will get married again. I never will allow anyone to be in a relationship with me and constantly put me down. Physical violence, never again.
Voice is about the same. I see Dr. Satloff in a month and find out about the injection into my left vocal fold to loosen the scar tissue. I do not recognize my voice. I am getting use to it but it is very different than pre-op. I can only use my head voice. There is no vibration in my chest, just in front of my face. My base HZ rages from 205 to 230 depending on humidity and temperature and how hydrated I am. Hopefully the vocal fold loosens and I will no longer be horse. I will be ecstatic then.
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Now for something completely different.
I went to spinning today and will do so Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. I love to spin and I like having different instructors. My goal is to get to the Gym at little before 7 and work out then spin and go home. I definitely see positive body changes occurring which feels great.
I joined a poly meet up group. I doubt I would ever go to a meet up but maybe. It looks like mostly woman and just a few guys. There are a lot of members and when reading their information it is apparent it is a very friendly group of accepting people. There was a meet up at a hotel by the air port today. I did not go as it felt like a hook up. I think this type of meet up is not for me. So am I a prude? Am I cloistered? Is meeting people with the opportunity and motive to hook up a normal thing? Bad enough I have body issues ( I think I am to heavy) let alone meeting people and then just hooking up. Am I out of touch with current norms? What happens if a lot of people hook up and I am there and no one connects with me? I would feel so bad.
Hello Rachel, I'm glad to hear you still go to therapy. Sounds like its still beneficial to you. I haven't been to my groups for a while. I think I've reached the point where I need to focus on living life in the world outside my door. I don't have the issues and fears many of the others that go have. I'm not sure I can contribute as I had in the past. I too miss the friendship but I need to branch out, as I have mentioned here.
As to the poly group, I looked in to a number of lesbian meet ups but decided this type of group isn't for me. I'm not looking to meet anyone in a romantic manner which is what I think they may be a door to. Keep searching and you'll find your place.
Hi Judi, I am searching, but not too hard, thank you.
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I was at work today and a guy came up to me and said his divorce came through. Lets call him Mr. X. Well Mr. X discussed how the now Mrs. X treated him and the reason for the divorce. She was not a nice person and took advantage of him to put it mildly. There was the infidelity and other things too. Anyhow, I started to get the feeling he was interested. I got the feeling of oh no what do I do now.
I see him just about every day in the morning. He has always been very nice to me and now I think he was hitting on me. Kind of an awkward situation, do I encourage him? Anyhow, it is nice to have those feelings.
He did ask me a personal question but said if it was out of line to let him know. He wanted to know if I was with anyone since my change. I said that it was ok to ask. He then asked if I was able to enjoy sex. I said yes and that I was able to have a O.
The conversation was for 15 minutes and nice. He shared some very personal stuff with me.
Anyhow, this has me thinking. Should I seed him with some thoughts? What if he askes me out? That quick something can go from blizzard to tropics.
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Chest x-rays for the April revision 2 work are done.
Thursday electrolysis at Market street and Monday Papillion for 4 hours of electrolysis.( I hate growing my hair out. Just when I look I the mirror and see a woman looking back then it is hair growing time). Cardiologist and EKG next week too. The operation is getting close and I am getting nervous. I will need to stop spinning for a while. I stopped rucking due to my neck injury and the cold (mostly cold, my neck is improving). So maximum exercise for a while to get in absolutely great shape.
I had my insurance blood test and measurements done. My blood pressure was 90/60 and that was just after getting stuck with a needle. My BMI is 25 but I have a lot of muscle. My triglycerides are 70 ( very good is less than 200) and HDL is very high so I am doing good. I feel awesome too. Depression is 5 out of 100 (my score). Which is the lowest I can remember since I was very young. I no longer think about suicide but on rare occasions and just in passing. I sometimes cry but I think that is normal :)
SOOOO, there is this guy and I think he is interested. What do I do? He is cute and he is nice and he is direct. I never want to lead someone on or play games. So what do I do? How do you flirt?
Rachel
Mr. X may be honest with you but it's best not to commit to a relationship until the ink on the divorce papers is dry. It's now possible for you to become the other woman in a relationship and unfortunately there is only one way to be sure you don't. Far too many women have been drawn into a relationship with stories about how their wife doesn't understand them or we are parting ways.
You have been through a lot emotionally so be very cautions with Mr. X until you can be sure you won't be harmed.
Hi Dina, I have been thinking about the guy and being at work. I think I will stay clear and be friends. I had vibes he wanted more but it would could become really awkward. Thank you for the support.
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I am using the main gym after spinning and there are a lot of guys there. There are a lot of very pretty cisgender woman there too. Maybe someone will be interested. After spinning today and yesterday I did some weight training in the Main gym. Both days there were a few guys the were looking. I look trans so and I do not know what they were thinking.
In the 6 or so months I have been spinning I have only heard one negative comment a guy said under his breath very low as I walked by. In thinking what he said and the volume he said it he must have felt awkward saying it. Why else would he not say it loud and to my face? They guy made the comment yesterday.
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I have some visceral fat. Not much and I have lost 4 inches from my tummy circumference in the past year. If I lose 2 more I will be at the healthy high limit for woman. I am 2 inches below the healthy high limit for males. Anyhow, I was thinking about going kito. I eat about 1/2 to 2/3 kito already but eat bread two or three times a week and rice. I do time restricted eating now, 18/6.
I have been making good progress and feel awesome. I do not have experience going keto and was wonder if there was anyone that has and if they have any advise.
Thursday will be my final medical checkup for the revision 2 surgery April 3rd. The exam is with a different doctor than my usual doctor so there is some apprehension. In the past the exam is very very quick. I have no idea if this doctor will quick or by the book.
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I see Dr. Sataloff March 27. Last time I saw him he mentioned he would inject me with a steroid to release the vocal fold on my right side. This is so it will meet the vocal fold on my left side and my hoarseness will go away. My pitch is fine but I am hoarse due to the vocal fold issue. I would love to have a clear voice at 200 to 230 hz.
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I had a mid and lower face lift with my FFS. Because I had mandible and chin shaving the lower face lift was 80% effective. I knew about this going in. Thinking about next year and I may look to have the mid face lift redone.
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I have an issue going out to places where there are singles and guys. I stopped at a place Saturday at 5 PM and had dinner. Later in the night it is a very popular night spot. There is a band and DJ and a lot of middle aged singles. I know that people are there to meet others and socialize but I am extremely apprehensive. So next weekend I plan to go there at 6 pm. Either that or go to the gym.
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The worse part of being alone is not having someone to share with.
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Rachel
Hi Rachel,
I'm sorry I'm missed your earlier post. I have to agree with Dena about Mr. X. Take it slowly. You're new at this and he is rebounding. Thats good that you feel your depression is low. Keep looking forward. Sounds like your health is on a good trend also. Good for you!
Unlike anything in life we seem to get out what we put in. I understand breaking into dating and a whole new life is difficult and we're all in unique situations so I cannot comment directly except to offer my support to you. I think you will get over your apprehension as you get out and mingle a little more. Take is slow, just chat with folks. You control the speed you wish to go, which I understand is slow. You need not feel rushed by any guy (or gal) you meet. You're recently divorced as well and just breaking back into this world. Things have changed and you need time to absorb it all.
You might focus on finding a gal-pal; someone to hang out with, be a wing-woman when you go out and maybe confide with. This may be an approach that helps you learn the ropes again, gain little confidence, and develop a close friendship with someone you can trust. These relationships can be easier than with a guy.
My voice is not where I would like it either. My mother always comments on it. (I know she worries about me.) But is seems I do well in one on one conversations. I don't think surgery is for me, I just need to practice at keeping my head voice rather than chest voice. Easier said than done.
Don't stress over your upcoming surgery. You'll be fine.
Hugs, Judi
@Rachel
I do not have all the surgeries you had, and i am very lucky that I will never need them, because mother nature was very friendly to me and made me rather female looking from day one.
But I have the same problems you have, I am also alone, an I am alone for 16 years now!
I can only agree with the advice of JudiBlueEyes to find friends who are your support group and who are there or you and with who you go out with. We are a group of 3 to 4 women who go out together and have fun together. If mr./mrs right is on location, they will find you, or you will find them, while still being in the protective environment of your friends!
This gives you a chance to have fun, and still be "prowling" a little for your partner, while having a fall back base and security if mr or mrs right were not that right as they seemed to be on first sight.
Good luck finding a partner!
@judiBlueeyes and @Dietland , thank you for your support. I agree with both of you in finding friends to help me get out and experience friendship and help in this part of my transition. Thank you.
VOICE
I was at Dr. Sataloff's offices yesterday for a visit with my speech pathologist and singing coach. I had some questions and needed some clarifications.
1) Dr. Sataloff had said during my last vocal fold check that the scar tissue is the front and what was the back is now the front. I assumed he meant that he had stripped off the vocal fold material on the whole vocal fold and made a web on part of the stripped vocal folds. I was completely wrong. He with a scalpel removed about 60% of the anterior mucosal membrane and sewed it together. The mucosal membrane is 100% intact from the posterior vocal folds.
2) There are two injections that he can do. One would be into the scar tissue of the web which would soften up the scar tissue and break it up. The web then would be flexible and the folds would hopefully move in unison together.
3) There is another injection he could use either alone or in conjunction with the first injection. It would add volume to the right vocal fold such that it touched the other vocal fold.
4) The injections would most likely be done in an OR. I distinctly heard the doctor say if I tolerated it he would try it in the office.
My base pitch is spot on between 210and 230 HZ. I have no chest voice. My vibration is around my nose area. I have no low pitch and can not access it. When my vocal wed scar tissue is softened and or material is injected into my vocal fold then I will have a clear voice too. My hope and plan.
I hope it works out for you Rachel. Sounds like my problem with issues of clarity, but stiffness due from medications. I can get my pitch to a good place but struggle to hold it as I get comfortable talking. I most likely need to work with a speech coach or therapist. Since I'll be on these meds for some time I don't know if surgery is an answer. That's great that you cannot access lower pitch.
Hi Judi, sorry you are having vocal issues. I know how frustrating it is. all I know is if you ever have any vocal work done do it with eyes wide open. I would have done it much differently.
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TRIGGER WARNING
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So last night (Thursdays) after work I was doing my routine. After work I go to the gayborhood and do an hour of electrolysis. It is with a trans woman my age and post op. She is a friend. While having the electrolysis I mentioned I had all my pre-work completed for my revision surgery next month.
She then asked when will you happy? When will you have fun? When will you stop the surgery and like your body? When will you be proud to be trans? She also mentioned that I am thin and do not need to lose any more weight so stop trying to lose weight. She repeated herself 4 or 5 times. Somewhere in that I got emotional and tears poured down the side of my face. She realized she had hurt me and apologized. I had a difficult time get the words out. I said there are some things I can not talk about.
I then got out, So how do you feel about Trump? That changed the subject and she went on the rest of the session about Trump. I just tried to not think about anything.
I park 8 or 9 blocks away for free. I got to my car and cried. The ride home I cried and I had a lot of dark thoughts. When home I got to bed as soon as I could knowing today it would be better. Last night I was back 2 years ago in dark thoughts.
Today I am much better. I had thought about stopping electrolysis with her. Then I realized several things:
1) I could have asked her to stop.
2) She has had a very hard life and is blunt.
3) What she said is true.
So I had a thought that going forward I will not share anything with anyone anymore. Then I had a though that perhaps I should work on some of the things she said.
@ Rachel, if she is a friend who had gone through all this, she certainly was honest, not very diplomatic, but honest.
If I would be you, I would sit back and reflect very well on what she said, and if she was right, I would correct my life into this direction.
But I don't know you, and thus, can say only what I would do, maybe our thoughts jive and you will do it, too!
Hugs
Linde
Rachel I think your electrologist's opinion may be completely honest from their point of view, and wrong.
They are also transgender but does that make them an expert in deciding who you are and how you decide to manage your future? Do they have an identical background and life experiences and goals? No.
I have sometimes reacted to people and later on realized, why was it all on me? Instead of answering a personal question should I say "you asked, so you go first." And if they provide the answer would I tell them they are too fat or too thin? They should cancel surgery they believe is their best option? Of course I wouldn't because that is literally none of my business. I can tell them what I would do, but that's me and I am not them.
@Dietlind and @Kendra, thank you for your support. I have been doing a lot of thinking. Yes, she was not diplomatic and it was not her business to critique. I would never have been so critical of another. I would have made constructive comments in the coarse of conversation, if I felt so compelled.
She has noticed some of the issues I am working on.
I have body issues. I am tall and I want to be the best I can be. I know I will never look cis but it is something I have dreamed about.
I want to be beautiful, enough said.
Yes, I have had some surgeries to align. I will have more.
I have had vocal surgery that will need some corrective action. I had a vaginal revision, second in a month, and both proposed by the surgeon that did my GCS. I did not request it. Yes, I will have a very nice looking vagina when done.
I love going to the gym and I love working on making my body more beautiful. I enjoy it.
I like cloths and shoes. I love to dress for work and apply a little makeup. I like to shop.
The biggest challenges I have is getting my voice 100%, toning and having a great beach body.
Will I have a breast augmentation 2, I doubt it. Will I get more hair grafts, I doubt it. Will I do major FFS, no way in hell. I will do minor FFS. Will I get liposuction. Most likely I will not need it by spring.
Will I ever like being trans, no. Being female and expressing, absolutely every second of every day.
Will I ever be happy, maybe, maybe not. I went from such a negative position all my life and I mean all my life and now I am in a much better place. I do not have suicidal ideation and I am not majorly depressed. Not bad. Happy, never say never. I am so much better off than I was in 2012. It had been an awesome journey.
Rachel
Rachel, the most important thing is that you feel comfortable with yourself and the body you live with. I see that you did reflect about her suggestions, and you reached your conclusions! They are yours for you and your body, it is nobodies business to tell you they are right or wrong!
From looking at your picture, you look pretty female to me, I would not misgender you at all looking at that picture!
I know what you mean with being tall, I am 6' and I like to wear heels, and they make me really tall. But I don't care, and all my cis friends tell me it is not a big deal for them either.
Talking about shopping, specifically shoe shopping, I used to be they guy with 30 pairs of shoes, and I am on my path to be the girl with that many shoes! I like to be dressed well, and a little with it, it seems as if you and I are similar in that aspect!
Nature was nice to me with my voice and my female looks, ad allowed me to keep all my hair on my head, and that made it easy for me to transition. But otherwise I have the same issues most trans women have, self confidence, and being my own biggest critic.
I seem to be at a point at which i pass 100% all the times, but being older that seems to be easier, because older women are expected to have some wrinkles, and also, very important, they have lower pitched voices. I know quite a few cis women who have a lower voice than I have!
But I think the biggest single issue for us is the self confidence. As long as we tell ourselves, we might not pass, we will be so nervous around other people that they start to look for clues, and they might find some.
I wish you good luck, and that you achieve the body which your mind wants to have!
It is your body, and you have to live with it, nobody else has, and nobody else has a saying about it!
Hugs
Linde
Hi Linde, thank you for the support. You are lucky. There is another thing I was thinking about. Where I work it is 80 to 90% woman and the vast majority of people are professionals. It is super competitive and they hire extremely bright people. Also, I am 56 and most are younger. So when I compare myself to others the pool I am comparing myself to is with very beautiful young intelligent woman. I wonder how many other woman where I work feel somewhat like I do?
I switched my HRT provider from Mazzoni to Papillion today. Papillion moved there offices to a much larger and beautiful suite. It is still at the Village Center. Also, Dr. McGinn operates out of Capital Health Hospital in Pennington (Hope Well) NJ. It is very close to New Hope. Capital Health is a beautiful Hospital from what my sister said.
My primary care is still with Mazzoni. I wish there was a LGBT primary care in my area where I live. Mazzoni is close to where I work so that is OK and convenient.
I am feeling great. I had electrolysis, 30 minutes, Tuesday night, 3 hours today and 1 hour this evening. This is a full out war on face hair. It is getting better and I do see improvement. There is hope.
I am on my 3rd week eating kito. I feel great but miss bread. I make kito bread, roles and tortilla chips but they are not the same. Ok, I miss chips and peanut M&M's as a treat. I miss apples, pears, grapes and dragon fruit too. I ate a lot of sugar in the form of fruit. Beach Body, beach body where are you?
I part my hair on the side now and I have receive lot of compliments. I am starting to love curly hair and blond hair I love.
My T is 26 and I am going to try to shoot for 40 ng/dl. I am horney now so what will happen when I increase my T about 60%, I do not know. I wish T came in a syringe with a cap so I can meter out a more exact amount. I may try E cream, I do not know. SubQ injections have worked very well.
Back to feeling awesome :)
Rachel, if you're using the androgel or a generic equivalent, which is what I take,.try this ...
I squeeze the packet into a 3ml syringe, then use that to administer exact amounts daily, as seems normal for me, I need a tiny dose to hit feminine mid-range so a packet would last me several days. Also I'm going to be making a placebo for double blinded cycling of T so I needed to get it into identical syringes anyway.
Hi Sadie,
I thought about putting it into a syringe. The T gel I use is clear so if it became cloudy I could discard it. Do you notice any change in color or consistency in the T gel? Thanks for the suggestion. I will load a syringe up tonight.
No change in the gel at all
Sadie, that is good to know. I will measure the amount of T per day and see what reading I get. I need to get a blood test for HRT. Papillion wants to see my T and E and prolactin. I never had my E measured.
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My blood test for the operation showed high white blood counts. It has been high all my life. Papillion had a reference blood test from 2016 and it was high so I am clear for the operation in 9 days. Dr. McGinn will close off the bottom of my vagina and remove excess skin in my crotch area.
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This week something unusual occurred. I was going about my day at work and I realized at the end of the day that I did not think about what others thought when they saw me. I do not always think about what others are thinking but just when washing my hands in the bathroom or buying food in the food court. I try to see if they recognize I am trans. I guess I either no longer care or I do not pick up on others looking.
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I am pretty much ok with being alone now. Sometimes I get lonely but I keep busy and I am making new routines. Seeing others in a relationship sometimes has an impact but less as time goes by. I think it always will have an impact but not as much as before.
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I think this spring and summer I will be at the beach on the weekends. I can not wait for the warmer weather and long summer days.
Happy Spring.
I had a checkup at my voice doctors office today, Dr. Sataloff. The video of my vocal folds vibrating showed my left fold is starting to vibrate. The vocal fold vibratory flap is bit smaller than my right vocal fold flap but it has grown and started to vibrate. My voice has improved and continues to improve each week. My hoarseness has degreased a bit every few weeks.
My web looks much better and I think it continues to improve and assimilate.
I will try to upload the two videos and some pics this weekend. I will give it a try to show a pic history of my vocal work.
_______________________________________________
I think I am really starting to finally like who I am and find peace.
Happy Wednesday,
Rachel
I was at the gym today and did spin and then some lifting. A few of us from spin lift together on Sundays. So there is a guy that lifts with us. He also has changed to keto eating and he knows a person that make a lot of keto foods for sale. He said he would stop by tonight and give me some samples. I replied can I have her phone number and I would give her food a try (stupid me, I got scared). Anyhow he gave me his phone number and said to call him.
He is very nice and I wonder if he was just being super nice or he wanted to stop over. He and another woman from spin gave me their phone numbers and they want me to let them know how I make out Wednesday. So, he also said he would do errands and shop for me when I am recouping. When the opportunity presented itself I chickened out. I had a feeling he was being super nice and there may be interest but it may be me making a leap.
So my fear stopped me from saying sure, stop by tonight. In the back of my mind I was thinking he is so nice and I was thinking this could lead to something. Then I chickened out.
So I am really starting to like the gym. There are people that go there 5 days a week and they are really nice. I can see myself getting much more involved in the gym.
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3 days till my revision surgery. I am starting to get nervous. I do not like anesthesia or the feeling when I wake up. I really do not want to be out of work either.
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Summer approaches and my body is coming along very well. I hope to be in my best shape ever this summer.
@Rachel Dear Rachel:Thank you for expressing your thoughts and concerns...
I am always careful to NOT jump into things like you mentioned particularly with giving out my phone number, agreeing to meet in less than public locations, etc.
As you are aware from reading my personal threads, especially my previous "HUNTED PREY" thread, I belong to a Gym-Gals group that includes me and 5 cis women. We go to the gym once a week together and we have all become very good friends
(my Dental Hygienist Suitor #4 is part of the group)I had reported early last spring that at the gym that there was a
creepy guy there that would stare at me and come on to me and basically made me feel very uncomfortable... he had asked me for my phone number and other personal information of which I refused to give to him. I gave him the moniker of
CreepyGymGuy#2 at the time. It got really bad when he would sit on one of the machines right next to the women's changing room and stare at me most of the time that I was at the gym.
I am a believer in "safety in numbers" and my friends in my gym-gals group acted as my body guards to help fend him off, and finally his persistence and creepy tenacious behavior was thwarted.
My only advice is to use your common sense. If you feel so led to pursue any kind of a business deal, friendship or even a relationship with him it would be smart to initially bring along some of your girlfriends from the gym, meet at a public place and see how it goes from there.
I know for a fact that it is exciting and so very affirming to get attention like that but please go forward slowly, carefully and initially with your girl friends with you. "Safety in Numbers"
I am eager to follow your updates regarding all of this....
.....follow your heart but ALWAYS use wise judgement and self-control.
Hugs and best wishes,
DanielleQuote from: Rachel on March 31, 2019, 02:10:26 PM
I was at the gym today and did spin and then some lifting. A few of us from spin lift together on Sundays. So there is a guy that lifts with us. He also has changed to keto eating and he knows a person that make a lot of keto foods for sale. He said he would stop by tonight and give me some samples. I replied can I have her phone number and I would give her food a try (stupid me, I got scared). Anyhow he gave me his phone number and said to call him.
He is very nice and I wonder if he was just being super nice or he wanted to stop over. He and another woman from spin gave me their phone numbers and they want me to let them know how I make out Wednesday. So, he also said he would do errands and shop for me when I am recouping. When the opportunity presented itself I chickened out. I had a feeling he was being super nice and there may be interest but it may be me making a leap.
So my fear stopped me from saying sure, stop by tonight. In the back of my mind I was thinking he is so nice and I was thinking this could lead to something. Then I chickened out.
So I am really starting to like the gym. There are people that go there 5 days a week and they are really nice. I can see myself getting much more involved in the gym.
------------------------------------------------------------------
3 days till my revision surgery. I am starting to get nervous. I do not like anesthesia or the feeling when I wake up. I really do not want to be out of work either.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer approaches and my body is coming along very well. I hope to be in my best shape ever this summer.
@Rachel Dear Rachel:Great news.... just 3 days until your surgery!!!!
Please keep us all updated as you feel comfortable sharing.
I am counting down the days with you.
Hugs and more Hugs, [emoji171]
Danielle
@Alaskan Danielle , thank you for the advise and support.
It is a very odd situation for me. I am tall and on the thin side. I have limited upper body strength. There are many woman at the gym that handle higher weights than me. This is a big guy and as such I feel a bit intimidated. Are there really people that are that nice? He offered to go out of his way and shop for me, give me sample keto foods and be there if I needed anything. He gave me his phone number too.
----------------------------------------------------
The second revision surgery is to close the bottom of my vagina. Dr. McGinn will loosen about 3 inches in radius on either side of my vagina bottom and then remove excess skin and close off the bottom of my vagina. So I expect to be unable to work out for a while (I will find out how long on the 8th at my post op appointment).
My vagina will be done. I never will have minora but it looks very good now. I can not wait to see how it looks after the surgery. I have a lot of sensation now. I can achieve an orgasm and have a lot of sensation. Perhaps T has played a large role in this. Perhaps loving my body and accepting who I am has played a large role. Maybe it is that the feeling is awesome with or without an orgasm and daily touching had made the difference.
I do know that I am configured the way I was meant to be and that has played a huge role in my new life. I like being me.
Hey girl, I am rooting for you. Both on the revision (Hope all goes well) and with the date scene. Yes, I think he has been giving you interest signals... Good for you!
Hugs,
Laurie
@laurie, thank you for your support. Your avatar looks awesome! You rock.
You may be right, he may be interested. I do know, he is a super nice guy and may just be genuinely friendly. We have a group of people that are becoming friends at the gym.
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I received a call from Papillion today. Dr. McGinn and Christal were looking at my pictures of the area to be operated on Wednesday. They want to do lypo and add some fat on the labia majora. I said yes and they will request payment from my insurance. I said either way what ever needs to be done I will pay if insurance does not.
I am going to have a beautiful kitty. I am so excited. When I had the first surgery I was happy to get rid of my gonads. The vagina needed work and the graph had issues. Lots of pain but I never thought I would have a beautiful vagina. I am getting very excited.
I woke up at midnight and thought it was Wednesday and was disappointed when I realized it is Monday.
:)
A medical history person called me today from Capital Health asking the standard medical history questions. When done she gave me a phone number and said to call at 2:30 and ask when the procedure is scheduled.
I called at 2:30 and I was told to be at Capital Health at 5:00 AM tomorrow and that I am Dr. McGinn's first case.
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So I spoke with my therapist today and we discussed the gym and the guy asking to stop over last night with kito samples, he providing his number and the offer to do shopping or anything I needed. I had been thinking a lot about how I did not answer him about coming over and saying I have everything I need. He had repeated the offer several times. My therapist said it is a common response to be apprehensive to a person I really do not know and who offers to come over your house.
We discussed further. She asked how I felt. I said I want him to come over but I do not want him to come over. I told her I could not answer him. He then gave me his number and he said to call him. She said I froze and that it is common for a survivor of abuse.
I will give him a text tomorrow when I get home tomorrow.
I am back home from surgery.
The Capital Health Hopewell / Pennington hospital is 7 years old, very clean and beautiful. I was treated with utmost respect and had a great experience.
Dr. McGinn and Chrystal are awesome as usual. Capital Health recruited Dr. McGinn. I think it will be an awesome for both parties. The hospital is super easy to get to and close to New Hope but on the New Jersey side.
I had lipo on my thigh for doner fat to my labia. I had excess skin in the crotch area removed and the bottom of my vagina closed. I am done. I have a catheter and I will be seeing them Friday at 9:00 to have it removed and perhaps Monday. I have two appointments, I will see Friday.
My insurance covered everything. :)
----------------------
I do not want to sit to pee and I am sore as anything down there. So It is weird to stand and empty my balder with a catheter valve. Tomorrow I will be back sitting I hope. It took my meds and some oxi from a previous operation. Relief is soon.
I have three scripts, one for oxi which the insurance will not cover, an anti-biotic and one for nausea. I have oxi from past operations and I will most likely not take any. There is pain but I think I can cope.
Dearest Rachel, and of course a fond "Hello!" to all of you here,
Such a road you have taken! Inspiring, sobering, uplifting, and riveting! May I say, you are lovely. In these days of #metoo I'm delighted to think that you are an imposing woman...one that any unattached guy would love to get to know and I can see that he will have to behave himself around you! I'm just not sure that YOU really believe it yet. Pinch yourself, lady! It is true!
A few years searching the forum off and on, and then BANG! I fell into your story. It took me three days to follow the thread. What a wonderful group of women! I think the behaviors that I expect from women are exemplified here, displayed over a six year timeline. Rachel, I believe you are a special case. I believe you have been blessed. I believe you have 'made it" and 'have it made'. Of course you sacrificed. Of course you experienced the deepest of mental anguishes and physical pains. Yet, we, on the outside, see the end in sight for you. Minor skirmishes if you will, remain as you mop up the remainging 'enemies' of your perfect self vision. Nonetheless, you are a successful professional woman, experiencing the normal loneliness and confusions all of us do. You tipped from caring for others to caring full time for yourself. As for passing, don't be silly. You look marvelous. I suspect you have achieved the beautiful 'beach body'. Please recover soon and please, please continue to keep us in the loop.
I was so drawn to the opera of it all. Your story is a fascinating vicarious tramp though another world. We can all of us appreciate you. So, so, many of us here follow the trail of crumbs you leave behind. Just look at the number of readers and hits on the site! Do you have memoirs? Or, perhaps THIS is your journal. I see the beginnings of a book or even a made for serial production film in your story. I would not wish the 'lows' of your experience on my worst enemy...yet I wish your sucesses for all of us.
So many others of our sisters languish in the hell holes of the mind, body and soul. My cousin, Brenda, is one such. Even though she lives in the Seattle-Bremerton WA area with many more resources said to be LGBTQ friendly (especially when compared to my state of UT), she is clawing to survive. She is your age and without financial resources, struggling to get even the basics of life...let alone achieve professional success. For 35 years she suffered the prejudices of the male dominated establishments, a bigoted military health system, a twisted sense of national and local social priorities and especially an uncaring public. (Wow...I just realized what a tale she has!) In the end she hungers for the love and companionship of a fellow human, just as you do. As we all do.
Your story is a snapshot - daily, weekly and yearly, of a boy living in abuse, a man in turmoil, a girl trapped in battle, a woman waging a hidden war, a lovable female in an uneasy peace...and finally a fully fledged era of integrity to self and prosperity. I for one commend your courage and have a sure confidence that you will harness your angst and your strength of character to find a soul mate...no matter the gender.
I love your willingness to bare and share it all.
@damalie , thank you for your kind words. I stated my posted on Susan's because I was so scared and had a very difficult time coping. The people on here helped me so much. I am really lucky in many ways and it took me a long time to realize this. I hope the blog can help another person going through transition; in reality it was to help me get my thoughts out of my mind and onto electronic paper.
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Post op + 1day.
Bianna from Papillion called to check in. I had taken off the ace bandages on my thighs. Dr. McGinn removed fat from my left and right leg. Biana informed me to put the ace bandages back on.
I am in a good amount of pain and I am taking some oxi with Tylenol. The catheter leaks around urethra :( .
I will take a look at my vagina later today just to see how it looks. I am very curious.
The holes where the canula was inserted into my legs for fat removal was bleeding this morning. There was some blood from my vaginal area too.
I want to post pics of my vocal cords and need to just get that done.
] (http://[/url)[/url][/url](https://i.imgur.com/fXOKiJs.jpg)
Pic Nov 11, 2017 before Sadaloff cricoid thyroid subluxation.
(https://i.imgur.com/A6TUUxn.jpg)
Post cricoidthyroid subluxation from 135 HZ to 175 HZ with 20 HZ span up. Vocal fold stretched no other change.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F%5Bimgur%5D%28https%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzjjwY9t.jpg%29&hash=f41890c2c51aa8c29976a71de1e570b0755f221a)
May 22, 2018 8 days post op glottoplasty
(https://i.imgur.com/vt3WKw7.jpg)
June 20, 2018 one month post op glottoplasty. You can see a white stitch in the middle of the web.
(https://i.imgur.com/zjjwY9t.jpg)
Jan 30, 2018 Right side Rankies edema making up for the left vocal fold not moving.
[url=https://i.imgur.com/3xQkOOc.mp4 (http://[url=https://i.imgur.com/3xQkOOc.mp4)[/url]
March 27,2019 movie of my vocal folds. left vocal fold is starting to move and the right ramkies edema is much less. There is hope I will get a clear 220 HZ voice. I have the HZ I just need the clarity.
I hope this helps someone. I would not get a subluxation. The glottoplasty is a high percentage and as a such at least for me there is extended healing time. The web scar tissue is softening.
I am back from Papillion. They removed the catheter and I had 4 hours of electrolysis. I see them again Monday.
I had fat removed from my thighs and injected into my labia. So now around my vagina it is puffy with fat similar to a cis vagina. Also, she closed of the bottom of the vagina and reconstructed the lower area. Dr. McGinn said to me you have no fat in your legs and she had to extract fat from both legs to get enough fat. They will be offering the labia fat filling procedure from now on. My insurance covered the fat filling procedure .
Dr. McGinn also repositioned the urethra (second time) and deepened my vagina between my clit and vaginal canal. My vagina looks much deeper now.
I am done with the vagina and I am very happy. Now for the healing and eventually trying it out.
Sorry, the link above does not work so I reposted the video.
March 27,2019 movie of my vocal folds. left vocal fold is starting to move and the right ramkies edema is much less. There is hope I will get a clear 220 HZ voice. I have the HZ I just need the clarity.
https://i.imgur.com/3xQkOOc.mp4 (https://i.imgur.com/3xQkOOc.mp4)
Rachel,
I am glad to hear all is done. I do feel a bit confused and perhaps deceived. When I asked about the fat grafting down there, they said it wouldn't last and it was a waste of my time. The best they could do was to inject cadaver parts down there, really expensive stuff. Now, they sound like they changed their tune. I'm feeling like I got blown off by them. Could you tell me what they said about whether the grafting would last? Sorry, but this shocked me. So glad you are doing so well.
Moni
Hi Monica,
I may have things mixed up but I will relay what I was told.
Monday I received a call from Papillion. I was told Dr. McGinn and Christal were reviewing my photographs and they would like to include removing fat from my thigh and injecting it into the labia. I said yes. I was told they would request payment from my insurance. I said if my insurance does not pay for it I will.
I have poor skin in the area due to stretch marks when I was very heavy. Also I had no fat in that area. I have fat above the vagina.
I had the procedure Wednesday and had an electrolysis appointment there today at 9 to 1. Debbie was there. I was early. Debbie asked how I was feeling ( It was pretty painful). We discussed how my insurance company approved the fat graft but not oxi. I said it is ok and that I had oxi from another procedure. I did not take oxi after GCS or my first revision or FFS (2 days in the hospital I did). This hurts pretty bad. When I had GCS I was not given opioids due to the low blood pressure for 2 days.
Debbie asked how I like the hospital and staff. I said the hospital is beautiful and the staff were very respectful. I was the 1st out patient there for Papillion. ( I know the second out patient that had her operation at 10:30). Debbie said that I was their 1st fat transfer patient and that they will offer it to others as a procedure.
Dr. McGinn came in and took me back for an exam and removed the catheter. That was the first time I viewed the work. Dr. McGinn mentioned the lack of fat on my legs and the muscle. She also reminded me that it will not be perfect but much better. She said the goal is to keep the fat in place and hence all the stitches. One side is larger than the other but that can be swelling. Dr. McGinn said if I did not have all the stiches to corral the fat it would just spread and not remain in the labia.
This is fat that was removed from me and injected into my labia. I am assuming the technique with adding the stitches makes a huge difference. (just a guess) Otherwise I am assuming a more solid piece of fat would have to be used (just a guess).
So, I am guessing but when you inquired I do not think they offered the procedure. I was told I was the first to receive it.
Thanks Rach,
I might have to write them a note. Sometimes I think doctors don't want to bother and give you an answer just to move you on. I didn't want to think this of McGinn but this and her answer on labia minora have me wondering. I did more catching up on your thread. Glad to see you happy and adjusting. Maybe we could meet up at the beach some time.
Moni
Hi Rachael. I am pleased to see that your medical procedures went well and hope it all heals as hoped for.
Hugs,
Laurie
@happymoni , you had your procedure 2 years ago. I believe this is going to be offered to other patients soon. I believe they want to see how the procedure works out. I think it will work out unless the stitches rupture. Then the fat will spread out, this is as per the doctor. She also said that if it were not for the stitches the fat would migrate.
Monica, you may want to see how the procedure turns out in a month. If you want to see a pic 3 days post op I will send them to you. Just send me your e-mail. Please keep in mind that this is my third GCS procedure in the OR and two outside the OR. Please keep in mind there is swelling and not a typical result. I would love a typical result. I do have awesome sensations and I am very thankful to be at this point.
I would love to meet up for the beach. :)
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@laurie , thank you. I took some pics and it is very raw down there. I hope it works out too. It is very painful and I suspect a good amount of the fat will be absorbed. I am hoping to retain 1/2 the fat.
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On the vocal fold video link in the previous post, You can see how the web and the vocal folds changed. The web is much more pliable now and that is allowing the vocal folds to have more movement. I will see if I can find a vocal fold video from early on and link both for comparison.
I think the issue of the stiff web and vocal fold not moving is due to a very high percentage of web. The knot is below the juncture of the folds. Also, the sutures used are long lasting and I think they have or are breaking down allowing for more web pliability. You can see how the web is now moving and the whole area in becoming flexible.
I am using a method to stretch the vocal folds and web several times a day.I believe this is helping heaps.
Best healing and results to you Rachel.
You were kind enough to reply to a post of mine in the past.
Reading what you are going thru today has got me reading the story here, going back years, to early this thread.
It is moving my heart.
I want it to.
I fear that I do not contain the same strength of will as you, and others who follow through on transitioning.
You are amazing, and so are those who walk the path, before and after you.
Hello Maddie, thank you for the support.
I had no idea or plan in mind. I did know I had to get help or there was going to be a bad outcome. Even with a lot of help I had some very bad times. I was in a lot of turmoil. Would I pass, would I get fired, would I be divorced, would my family reject me? Could I stand being a transwoman and discriminated against. Would I every learn to love myself with all the programming I had?
I really love being me. At some point I realized as each layer of the onion was pealed off I felt scared but then when the fear dissipated I felt a little better.
I was in Boston just before my FFS with Dr. Spiegel. There was a skate park near the extended stay Marriott hotel. I was of coarse dressed as me. One of the skaters gave me a thumbs up and a smile. He said something affirming too. I think back on this from time to time. That little bit of encouragement and approval was huge at that point in time. It really made a difference. I was so scared and that one person helped me.
Later in that walk the path took me to a large bridge. I path was under a bridge. There I saw a bunch of used needles. I assumed it was from heroin use. I thought I am in a better place than them. On the way back from my walk there was a memorial wall for Paul Revere. I read the memorial and thought he had such bravery and if caught he would pay with his life. What I was doing pales in comparison. Maybe I was just grasping at anything to affirm what I was about to do. However, it helped to put things into perspective. I was doing the right thing for me.
Maddie, you are not alone and there are people out there that really are genuinely nice and do care. Transition helped me to gravitate to the nice people and away from the jerks. It also helped to make me a much stronger and happier person.
Best,
Rachel
:)
hugs
Love
Keep on healing, Rachel.
Some of the most intelligent deep people are dealing with gender issues.
Like you.
@Maddie, thank you for your kind words. I know now what was impossible was really possible. My ex stopped by this afternoon to use the large washer. Her washer is too small to do her quilt. We discussed some things and made plans to go to lunch next weekend. We get along very well, much better than when married.
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This pic is from May 22, 2018. I had my glottoplasty one week prior on the 14th of may, 2018. The web and reduction in the vocal fold was large. My pitch was at around 270 to 280 HZ.
https://imgur.com/uxXWyIH (https://imgur.com/uxXWyIH)
This video was taken September 12, 2018. This is 9 months post op and my one vocal fold was not moving and the vocal folds were not touching. This resulted in a hoarse sounding voice in low volume. My HZ was 220 on average most days. Humidity and hydration influence HZ.
]https://i.imgur.com/mzXLLtU.mp4] (https://i.imgur.com/mzXLLtU.mp4)
This video is from March 27, 2019, 10.5 months post op. My volume has improved and the hoarseness has been reduced. Both vocal folds are moving and there is visible changes in both vocal fold appearances. The large web is more pliable. The vocal folds still do not touch in the back and they are a bit out of synchronization. I believe the vocal folds will synchronize and touch in the back. More time is needed.
https://i.imgur.com/Gvaouz1.mp4 (https://i.imgur.com/Gvaouz1.mp4)
I think one thing is obvious to me and that is I did not know the recovery would take so long. Second is that being close to where the surgeon resides has allowed me to have many vocal fold check-ups. If I had the glottoplasty far away I would not have that opportunity.
I do believe my voice will improve as it has over the 10.5 months. I do not get gendered male in person or on the phone. Clearness of sound and volume in noisy places still need to improve. I am feeling better about my voice as it improves. I had no idea how difficult it is to communicate with no or almost no voice and how people judge your intelligence and ability by you voice.
I tape my voice 5 or 6 times a week at the same times saying the same things so I have a comparison to hear my progress. There is progress. :) I hope this help others in making a decision to or not to have a glottoplasty.
I lost some glottoplasty pic links when I cleaned up IMGUR. I will repost them here.
This is a week post op from a glottoplasty
(https://i.imgur.com/ZVaslae.jpg)
This is may 22, 2018 a little over 5 months post op.
(https://i.imgur.com/dpLKyPU.jpg)
Sept 12, 2018 about 9.5 months post op.
(https://i.imgur.com/tdwCoQK.jpg)
These pics and the two recordings should give a person a good idea what an aggressive glottoplasty does and the extended healing time. I am still healing and my vocal folds are improving. May 14, 2019 will be the 1 year mark. I expect to have improvement over the next 6 weeks and beyond.
My doctor is local and he has stayed the coarse and continues to monitor the progress and has two things he can do to assist in the web softening and vocal fold touching. They need to be done in an OR and that will be an option. I have no desire to have another OR trip.
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I need to get this out.
My parents were wrong, I definitely did not grow out of being a girl and it was not a phase. With all the books I read on the subject, group sessions, therapy and suffering. I can 100% say I am a female and transition was 100% necessary. To my brother in law that tried to talk me out of transition citing Rush Limbaugh and still dead names me, yes it hurts. I will never tell him that but it hurts.
I've had a couple of procedures on my vocal cords, plenty of nose scopes, and weeks without speaking
Compared to my scopes, at least yours appear healthy :).... (I'm not a medical professional!!!)
I was lucky to have a "rock-star" talented ENT for mine. My procedures were for a different reason, and my recovery was textbook, thank god.
I'm not seeing your recordings, Rachel. Are they on the same post as the pics? I wouldn't mind listening to them
Hi Maddie,
The previous post had links to videos. There is no voice recording. You may hear a tone which is me trying to say E with a tube down my throat. I had a video of a scope down my nose I think. I only had tose done 3 times.
Between the two videos the difference is the web movement and vocal fold movement and touching or lack there of. I have a video pre glottoplasty in which the two vocal folds are vibrating the entire length and in unison. Another change between the two videos is the color of the vocal fold edges.
Overall the 9.5 month video shows there is continued improvement as time passes.
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
I am glad to read your voice has improved and continuing to improve. What I really wanted to tell you is that you my girl are getting cuter and cuter. I love the new avatar!.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie, I love your hair! You look very classy! The dress and the jewelry! Nicely put together you are.
Rachel, You are so cute!
-Richelle
Rachel your new avatar photo is beautiful. Wow! The Blue looks good on you too!
Judi
Thank you Laurie, Damalie and Judi for you compliments. It really was not expected and I am blushing. Lauri, your avatar looks awesome.
--------------------------------
I am crazy, I took 2 weeks off but went back to work Tuesday, surgery +6 days. Today really kicked my butt. I tried to take it easy but it is demanding. So I am very tired tonight.
On a plus side my vagina is looking very nice. The swelling is going down and the pain. My thighs were really scraped for fat and the black and blue is turning red. I think that is a good sign. I think I will just wear one pair of pressure pants to bed tonight. My thighs hurt.
I had a rough road with my vagina and three operations. I never expected or hoped to have a nice vagina. I am very lucky.
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Diet change.
I have been doing time restricted feeding 18/6 for years now and I added in Kito. I feel very good on keto and my visceral fat is going away quickly. I think in 6 weeks I will be at my goal weight and body fat and fat locations.
It is a strict diet and I do not cheat.
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Dating
Something I have been thinking about for a while, dating. I have come to the conclusion dating will be difficult. The probability of a relationship is low. So, I downloaded two dating apps and will download several more. At worse I will break my fear of making social connections and being open to finding someone.
Any suggestions on dating would be very welcome.
Rachel
Rach,
Your avatar picture reminds me of a girl I had a crush on years ago. Looking great you cutie you.
Moni
Rachel I unfortunately don't have any advice on dating. But seeing how we do base our first impressions on looks you should have no issues what so ever! Then there is your personality and life experience. Wow, an engineer, loves to hike, even has a cool car! You go girl!!
Judi
Thank you Damalie and Rachel. the top is my favorite I think and it does help me look better.
Thank you Monica and Judi, that means so much I can not tell you. Laurie, your smile really makes the picture.
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OK, Now for something completely different.
So I have been going to Mazzoni for 6 years for my HRT. They do not measure E. I decided to switch my HRT doctor to Papillion. Papillion measures E and T and other parameters. So My E is 704 T 100. I explained my HRT and that the blood draw was on the 13th of 14th day after injection and that my E had to have been 1400 ng/dl day 1 post injection.
Transition for E is between 200 to 500 ng/dl. High levels of E can cause issues. I will be cutting my T in half immediately and halving my injection dose in 2 Sundays. They will prescribe a T&E topical cream and when I am on it for 3 months have my blood retested.
I will try to keep my E at 300 on a cream but in reality 200 ng/dl should be ok. Time will tell.
Point being I never would have known the risk if I did not switch providers and to one the measures E.
Rachel
Good for you. That E number seems very high. And the T at that level isn't doing your estrogen number any favor. My doctor want to see levels at each visit.
Hi Judi, I agree, I am back to just a dab of T in the morning. Sunday I will inject. I was injecting 1 cc ( as per my doctor at Mazzoni) and I will inject 0.5 cc ( I discussed this with the new provider). I will wait to see my PAc at Papillion to see what they prescribe in May.
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So it has been 14 days since the operation to close off the bottom of my vagina, reposition my urethra, deepen my vagina and add fat to the labia majora.
There was a stitch line about 3 inches from the mid line of the vagina from one side of the citreous down and around the skin separating the vagina from the anus to the other side of the citreous. The skin was injected with fat harvested from both of my thighs.
The stitch line hurt, the fat harvesting was difficult and hurt and the fat injection sight hurt. Presently the remaining stitches are irritating.
The urethra is well inside a slit. My citreous is now protested by two minora. Swelling has gone down to 1/2 of post op. My vagina is not perfect but is very nice and I am very thankful.
I think it is a good ending to a long series of chapters in my transition. I wish I could shaw a few pics of my vagina post op from the three operations and 2 procedures and now.
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So I am on two lesser known dating apps. I have not had much luck. I was thinking about going on some more better known sights when cleared by Dr. McGinn for activity. I expect that will be in three weeks.
Summer is coming.
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Voice
My pitch was high today at 250 hz this morning. Why I do not know. I am getting clearer when I speak. I will need to post a voice recording. While at it pre and post hair transplant pics too.
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I think my transition is ending. I get gendered appropriately and I no longer feel the least bit out of place. It is a wonderful experience I cherish every day, no dysphoria and being myself.
Quote from: Rachel on April 17, 2019, 07:20:19 PM
I think my transition is ending. I get gendered appropriately and I no longer feel the least bit out of place. It is a wonderful experience I cherish every day, no dysphoria and being myself.
This is good news to read Rachel. Looking at your photo there is no need to fret. You are beautiful! :icon_cool:
Quote from: Rachel on April 17, 2019, 07:20:19 PM
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So I am on two lesser known dating apps. I have not had much luck. I was thinking about going on some more better known sights when cleared by Dr. McGinn for activity. I expect that will be in three weeks.
Summer is coming.
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Have you tried POF? They say they are the largest one of the serious dating sites!
Thank you Judo for the compliment. That means a lot.
Hi Dietlind, I think POF will be next on my list to add, thanks.
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So this morning I showered and as part of the routine I cleaned my vagina. When I was drying there was a lot of blood on the towel. I blotted it up and later my panties had a lot of blood in them. There are two areas where the skin split and are in the process of healing. I guess I need to be more careful. This will be the last time I do any vagina work. I am so done.
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Oh my word - my heart is racing! I read the first page of the thread and identified soooo much with what you said about the pain and tourment you were in - I then skipped straight to the end to read you have now made the transistion!
Wow!
I'm off to bed now, but I'm going to come back and read each page with interest - Me? I'm on page one...
Thanks for sharing all you have gone through.
x
Quote from: Rachel on April 21, 2019, 04:59:35 PM
So this morning I showered and as part of the routine I cleaned my vagina. When I was drying there was a lot of blood on the towel. I blotted it up and later my panties had a lot of blood in them. There are two areas where the skin split and are in the process of healing.
Let's be a bit clinical!
Were did the skin split, was that the source of the blood? Why did the skin split? it might be of importance to report this to your surgeon. In any way, it might be a good idea to watch this, and if required, seek medical attention. Incisions that break open often will end up in pretty ugly scars.
Quote
I guess I need to be more careful. This will be the last time I do any vagina work. I am so done.
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Do you know what caused the bleeding? Ask for advise from a therapist/professional, ow you best cn avoid this!
Good luck!
Linde
Hi Linde, I called Papillion today and the PA-c I like most will be in tomorrow. I called to talk about HRT, I am switching medical professionals, and I will mention the issue tomorrow. There is a spot in the vaginal canal that was bleeding. I must have cut it with my nail ( My nails are growing well now).
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I joined Plenty of fish late last night. I have 48 people that like my profile and 11 that want to meet me. OK, so I am scared. If I write a guy and he want to meet it would be very scary. What do I wear? How much make-up? What happens if he does not like me? What happens if he really likes me? Sex? Relationship?
I feel vulnerable. My profile I address being a post op trans woman. I will make sure they understand what that means. I do not want any misunderstandings.
My daughter graduates college in June. I have not received an invitation not do I expect one. I will be crushed if I do not receive an invitation but in my heart I know it just will not happen. Meeting a guy must be different. He must be willing to introduce me to his family.
I understand why my ex and daughter are embarrassed to be with me in public (it is about them not me). Any new relationships must accept me for who I am. He must accept me for me and want to be with me and be proud to introduce me to his family or it will end.
Quote from: Rachel on April 23, 2019, 07:07:58 PM
Hi Linde, I called Papillion today and the PA-c I like most will be in tomorrow. I called to talk about HRT, I am switching medical professionals, and I will mention the issue tomorrow. There is a spot in the vaginal canal that was bleeding. I must have cut it with my nail ( My nails are growing well now).
You got to watch that lady, that stuff can lead to nasty infections!. Medically, that entire area down there is considered to be dirty, which means prone to any icky pathogens roaming around!
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Quote
I joined Plenty of fish late last night. I have 48 people that like my profile and 11 that want to meet me. OK, so I am scared. If I write a guy and he want to meet it would be very scary. What do I wear? How much make-up? What happens if he does not like me? What happens if he really likes me? Sex? Relationship?
What happens if YOU don't like him? if he don't like you he will not want to meet you again, and if you don't like him, you don't want to see him again! If you like EACH other, stuff happens that is common between two adults who like each other. You have to set your boundaries, only you are in control of your body!
I feel vulnerable. My profile I address being a post op trans woman. I will make sure they understand what that means. I do not want any misunderstandings.
Quote
My daughter graduates college in June. I have not received an invitation not do I expect one. I will be crushed if I do not receive an invitation but in my heart I know it just will not happen. Meeting a guy must be different. He must be willing to introduce me to his family.
I don't know about your relation with your daughter, my son and I are pretty close. He will get married in June, and I am, of course, invited to the wedding. My ex and I get along well, and the two of us will give our child away!
Quote
I understand why my ex and daughter are embarrassed to be with me in public (it is about them not me). Any new relationships must accept me for who I am. He must accept me for me and want to be with me and be proud to introduce me to his family or it will end.
Neither my ex nor my son are embarrassed about me. I am his parent, and my ex is my ex because I drove her away initially, but now we are friends. She actually helped me to find the appropriate clothing for the wedding!
Plenty of Fish
There are so many guys that want to meet up it is overwhelming. I have not responded to anyone.
I really do not know what to do. I do want to meet another person and yet I do not. There are so many unknowns. Do I take a chance or do I play it safe?
I will respond to two or three tomorrow and I will see how it goes. This is really scary, thrilling and a huge mile stone.
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Revision status
The stitches dissolved and I removed the last two threads last night. There is some skin splitting(it is healing as it splits) as expected. The scarring is pretty much the lower half of my vagina where the bottom was pulled together. The swelling is down and the urethra is in a slit. There is fat now; I do not know if it is the amount the doctor put in; I will find out May 6.
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So I was thinking, If I go on a date and the guy and I hit it off , what is the period of no sex? One date, two? first date?
Quote from: Rachel on April 27, 2019, 06:44:37 PM
Plenty of Fish
There are so many guys that want to meet up it is overwhelming. I have not responded to anyone.
I really do not know what to do. I do want to meet another person and yet I do not. There are so many unknowns. Do I take a chance or do I play it safe?
I will respond to two or three tomorrow and I will see how it goes. This is really scary, thrilling and a huge mile stone.
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Revision status
The stitches dissolved and I removed the last two threads last night. There is some skin splitting(it is healing as it splits) as expected. The scarring is pretty much the lower half of my vagina where the bottom was pulled together. The swelling is down and the urethra is in a slit. There is fat now; I do not know if it is the amount the doctor put in; I will find out May 6.
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So I was thinking, If I go on a date and the guy and I hit it off , what is the period of no sex? One date, two? first date?
POF seems to be a good site to meet others!
Just watch the healing wound a little longer before you even consider sex. Because with sex you introduce a hole lot of bacteria that are not the ones your body is used to, and you want to be sure that everything is healed out really well before doing this.
I can only talk from my semi guy days, I did not like any sex without a strong emotional feeling present. For me that would require quite a few dates, if it is not love on first sight.
But you are your own person, and have to follow your individual feelings and set your individual standards.
Have fun with the guys!
Linde
Rachel there's no universally agreed amount of time or number of dates before sex and I'd say it's up to you and your feelings about the guy.at the time.
I certainly have had sex on a first date, I've also waited longer. For me the success of the relationship hasn't been hurt by getting to sex earlier.
Rachel,
If you are looking for a hook up, sex on the first date makes sense. It doesn't sound like this is your goal. If you talk to someone and they are really pushing for sex on the first date, they aren't what you want. What's wrong with chatting a while? See if chatting even can happen with a particular person, before meeting. Does he have the patience to talk? If not, you got boots, don't you? Give him one!
You have to get it in your head, girl, that you have something amazing to offer to someone. They need to prove they deserve that, that they are good decent people like you are. I find the odds really small that the first person you talk to is your soul mate. Don't be afraid of attempts that fail. It will happen. Don't start thinking that you have to mold yourself into someone you are not just because you are trans.
Finally, yeah, it is scary! It is all new territory. You can do it though. Take your time and be safe.
Moni
Hello @dietlind , @SadieBlake and @HappyMoni , I agree, I will need to like and more importantly feel comfortable with the guy in order to have sex with him. I have a fair amount of insecurities about my body and how people think about me. I know I have given others so much power over me and I am trying to develop my personality in a positive way.
I know if I think negative thoughts negative things tend to be attracted and if I think positively about myself and other things I attract positive things.
It is difficult to put it into perspective. I just discussed the situation with my therapist. I look at myself as less than. Perhaps it is because of past experiences, perhaps it is because I am trans or both. Anyhow, there were 49 pages of guys wanting to contact me by the weekend. I reduced the radius from 50 miles to 5 or 10 miles. There were still about 19 pages. I sent messages to 3 or 4 Sunday. I need to check back and see if they replied.
I see Dr. McGinn Monday and hope to be cleared for full activity in the gym, spinning, ruking and other things. I will also do 4 hours of electrolysis there. I am sure I will be bruised for a week. Not they type of thing that would make a good impression.
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I am at 180 pounds and losing visceral fat. I have not lost anything from my bust line ( ha ha, I have implants). I can fit into a spring jacket I purchased and I am wearing more fitted work tops. I like the look. I need to get a bathing suit and will wait 1 more month.
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Rachel, I would also suggest that just because you're thinking about some difficult stuff doesn't mean people don't see the good, decent, loving and wonderful you who I sure know you to be.
We all have insecurities (just like the cis women) and I think maybe the biggest difference between them and you is that you are new to dealing with those fears while your cis acquaintances have had a lifetime to find coping strategies.
Here was my most recent fear and experience in bed:
I fell into bed with a new lover back in January. It was our second date, she'd asked to come explore what erotic things might happen between us in my bed.
We had literally pulled each other's clothes off going from living room to the bed, clearly both of us were ready. As she began to play with my vagina she said wonderful things about my appearance down there.
I allowed as how I don't self-lubricate all that well and she might need some lube.
Her response: you seem plenty wet to me :-).
My take-away: I was reassured twice in a very short period that my vagina is just fine indeed. On appearance I know I have not very well formed inner labia and my clit is super prominent when you part my labia (she commented positively on that).
So the two things I worry about, lubrication and knowing I don't have a 'porn-star' worthy shape didn't matter at all to my lover du jour (and haven't been a problem with anyone else).
We had a great time (best yet) and that's been true of all my sex so far (I've now been with three women, two men since I've been post-op .. two years just the other day.
I admit I think I've been pretty lucky, I think you will be also, just also recognize that all people sometimes have sex that doesn't work out so well. It won't get better without practice, so even if not every experience is stellar you can keep going.
Good luck with the dating!
S
Quote from: Rachel on April 30, 2019, 06:50:48 PM
I know if I think negative thoughts negative things tend to be attracted and if I think positively about myself and other things I attract positive things.
There you go, get onto that positive thinking trail, and the world will look way better. Judging from your avatar, you are a darn good looking woman, and the way you exercise, I bet your body looks pretty good, too!
QuoteAnyhow, there were 49 pages of guys wanting to contact me by the weekend. I reduced the radius from 50 miles to 5 or 10 miles. There were still about 19 pages. I sent messages to 3 or 4 Sunday. I need to check back and see if they replied.
With this many candidates around, you can be pretty selective, and if you don't like a guy, off you go to the next!
Quote
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I am at 180 pounds and losing visceral fat. I have not lost anything from my bust line ( ha ha, I have implants). I can fit into a spring jacket I purchased and I am wearing more fitted work tops. I like the look. I need to get a bathing suit and will wait 1 more month.
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180 pounds looks pretty good (i don't know how tall you are), and once you fit into your bathing suit, you will look like a real hottie, I am pretty sure about that!
Linde
@Sadieblake , Thank you for sharing your experiences. You have been a lot more courageous than I have been.
I wanted to see what it was like with a man. If that does not work out and depending on the female's expression with sex I would be very comfortable with a female. I like being friends with females and doing things with females it is just that they do not have male genitalia. There are some females the love to exercise, hike, very long distance target shoot, muscle cars and be dominant in a sexual relationship. Perhaps that would be the perfect match.
I always pictured myself with a male in a female role, always. If a female can fill the male role I think that would work fine.
@Dietlind ,thank you for saying I am good looking. My body no matter what is something I have issues with. I am thin and my visceral fat is going away so that is good. I do not think I will ever think my body will look great.
Having a lot of guys that look at a pic and say they are interested or want to meet is different than them reading my profile which says I am a post-op transwoman. Further, if they read my profile will they understand what a post op trans woman is? Many live 50 miles or so away so I am eliminating them. I am posting to just those that say they want to meet me and close by. I think that is 30 or so. I eliminate those that are more than 30 miles away.
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Papillion
I had 3.5 hours of electrolysis with numbing today. Then a vaginal visit with Dr. McGinn. My vaginal looks really good I am so happy (reason I have finally wanted to date). She want to do another procedure in a year and I said ok. Bianna wrote my HRT scripts and it will be delivered from a compounding pharmacy. The called and it is all arranged.
Dr. McGinn and her staff have been so very good to me I can not get over it. I am a very luck woman.
I am cleared for spinning, rucking, lifting and other things. :)
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So I have to ask myself, why am I looking for another person to be in my life? Is it friendship, companionship, sharing activities, sex or filling in some open time in my otherwise busy schedule. How deep do I want to take a relationship? I am very very apprehensive in dating another person.
Happy Monday,
Rachel
I am 180 ish pounds and 6'2". I am thin and muscular from the butt down. I will work on the upper body now that I am more comfortable in the gym.
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Quote from: Rachel on May 06, 2019, 05:48:42 PM
@Dietlind ,thank you for saying I am good looking. My body no matter what is something I have issues with. I am thin and my visceral fat is going away so that is good. I do not think I will ever think my body will look great.
Having a lot of guys that look at a pic and say they are interested or want to meet is different than them reading my profile which says I am a post-op transwoman. Further, if they read my profile will they understand what a post op trans woman is?
OK Rachel, let's be pragmatic and rational about this. We all know that we are our own worse critics, so why don't you let others make the decision if you look good or don't. Others have to make the decision whether they like you enough to hang out with you or even date you! This is not your call, but theirs!
So, you are post op, and if gynecologists can't see if you had surgery or not, what do you think the average man will know? If you can remember the days when you were a guy, and how precise your attention was when you were ready o have sex, you probably also remember that there are no detailed inspections being done prior to insertion!
So why do you even mention anything about trans anymore, you are a woman with all the equipment a woman has that men need for their enjoyment! If a relation becomes that close that you want to share your path to femininity, you can always do this at a later time!
You are a woman, and it is nobodies business to know how this womanhood of yours came about!
So take this transgender stuff out of your profile, I know I will as soon as I had SRS!
Good luck and lots of hugs!
Linde
Hi Linde, I want there to be no misunderstanding when I date a guy. I want to be up front and I want to be treated as any other woman. However, some guys have a thing about dating trans and can get really violent and get physical. Some will just leave. How do you explain to a guy I hid something from him that he may see as really important? I did that in my last relationship and it did not end well. I blend ok but not fully so it really is not an option.
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I have a date Saturday afternoon in a public space. He seams to be a really nice guy. I will meet him after he does his rounds on Saturday. So, what do I wear to nice bar on a Saturday afternoon? Fitted jeans or something else. A fitted top, I am thinking blue.
He wanted to get Chinese and eat at my house.
I have not been with someone post-op. I am very very apprehensive. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
Quote from: Rachel on May 09, 2019, 07:40:32 PM
Hi Linde, I want there to be no misunderstanding when I date a guy. I want to be up front and I want to be treated as any other woman. However, some guys have a thing about dating trans and can get really violent and get physical. Some will just leave. How do you explain to a guy I hid something from him that he may see as really important? I did that in my last relationship and it did not end well. I blend ok but not fully so it really is not an option.
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I have a date Saturday afternoon in a public space. He seams to be a really nice guy. I will meet him after he does his rounds on Saturday. So, what do I wear to nice bar on a Saturday afternoon? Fitted jeans or something else. A fitted top, I am thinking blue.
He wanted to get Chinese and eat at my house.
I have not been with someone post-op. I am very very apprehensive. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
If you meet the guy for the first time, I don't think it is a good idea to bring him to your house! He can get Chinese and eat it in a public pick nick space. That early in your relation he should not even know where your house is located.
You have to be a little on the careful side girl! I still would not tell him that I am trans, at least not that early in the relation. But anyway, now that you are all fixed down there, how would he even find out that you are trans? I assume he will not do a gynecological exam of your neither parts!
Concerning the outfit for a nicer bar, I would even consider a nice top and a skirt. The top can be a little revealing, just enough to be promising and get the saliva flowing (of the guy). But that should be it that happens this date. You have to build it up and make him hot for you, for the case you like him. Hold that stick with the dangling carrot in front of his nose for as many dates as you can, or until he is so hot for you that he almost explodes with desire!
At that time you can grab him by his balls and guide him into anything you want and like!
Good luck for your date, and don't sell yourself for cheap!
Linde
Quote from: Rachel on May 09, 2019, 07:40:32 PM
Hi Linde, I want there to be no misunderstanding when I date a guy. I want to be up front and I want to be treated as any other woman. However, some guys have a thing about dating trans and can get really violent and get physical. Some will just leave. How do you explain to a guy I hid something from him that he may see as really important? I did that in my last relationship and it did not end well. I blend ok but not fully so it really is not an option.
I agree with you.
So last night the guy texted me that he would only meet me if I went on whatsapp first. I said when I got home tonight I would load the app and we could video each other.
I thought about this today. I loaded the app on my phone than I stopped. He did not text me and I did not text him. I felt like it was an audition. I felt like if I passed he would date me and be seen in public. If not I would be a private play thing. I just felt like a commodity.
This is what he texted me at 12:40 AM this morning. ( my phone blocks all sounds from 9P to 3:30A)
Wm not meeting up without making a video call to ascertain us..good night.
I wake at 3:30 for work. I read his text and showered and dressed for work. I replied at 4:40 AM:
ok, when I get home tonight I will download the app and we can chat.
He made a demand. I loaded the app and he did not text or call. So, I think this is over before it started.
I could have called him. I could have texted him. I felt he put a barrier up to us meeting. I did what I said I would do but he did not text me tonight. Was I to text him or call him or video him?
Meeting in a public place I think was the issue. Hay, all he had to do was walk into the bar and if it was not to be then walk out and text me in the parking lot and say something came up. We live in the same town and it is small. Not like I was asking for much.
To be fair, he did demand we video chat before meeting. We did not video chat and he did not contact me. If he wanted to contact me and see if I loaded the app like I said I would he would have contacted me.
Strike - wanted to meet at my house
strike - made a demand
strike - did not contact me to video
Is he married? Is he just out for sex? Is he that insecure to walk into a bar and have a few minute conversation? Is he afraid someone will see him?
I wanted someone to share activities with me and yes if we connected and there was feeling toward each other then more.
I am a woman that loves herself and is not ashamed of who I am. I will not get into a relationship with someone that is not on the same page. I will most likely not meet someone but this will not stop me from trying.
Quote from: Rachel on May 10, 2019, 09:16:26 PM
I am a woman that loves herself and is not ashamed of who I am. I will not get into a relationship with someone that is not on the same page. I will most likely not meet someone but this will not stop me from trying.
I think you ran in a
>-bleeped-< or some other horny idiot. The demands he made are not acceptable. A harmless initial meeting in a neutral public space would have been no problem. But he wanted to see the ware first, do a look for the meat, like in a butcher shop. he was not interested in you, he wanted your boobs and what is between your legs!
You did well not to contact him!
Anyway, when you have an acceptable candidate, nothing speaks against using the app platform to have some initial talks between each other, to learn to know each other a little better!
Just take it easy the next time and do some talking/writing to learn to know each other better. Video chat can come in at some time, but that would be later!
Good luck with the next guy!
Linde
Quote from: Rachel on January 11, 2013, 10:02:26 PM
I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.
One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).
What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.
In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.
I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?
I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.
My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).
I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.
I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.
I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.
I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.
I think you have to wow yourself to be hopeful. You're speaking in a lot of black and white terms. You do not know how they will react. Even if everybody reacts strongly, they may change their minds.
But this isn't about them.
It's about your quality of life.
You may be surprised that you could maintain some relationships, it may not be required for you to get a new job. Is a divorce so bad a thing anyway? You love your partner, what if the relationship just changes to a friendship and you still support/trust each other?
That could be a thing you know. If the romance has left your relationship (and this can happen in any relationship) then maybe you should change your relationship with your partner for the both of you. You, so you can pursue your self goals, and your partner so they can develop new romances.
This transition can work for you as long as you work with the aspects you want to keep. :) it's a transition not an elimination
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For me when I finally decided to date (I've had orchiodectomy but not srs) I felt that it was important to tell my date that I am indeed trans. If they don't like that, they leave and its not a problem later on. Now I have Alicia who loves me for me its not so important, but, I'm not going to pretend I'm anything but me post srs next year. To me it feels liking hiding in the opposite direction.
As for dating? Just be careful, meet in public spaces first, and go with what feels right. :)
@linde , I agree that an app is good. It can make sure both parties are who they say they are. I did load the app as I said I would but he never contacted me. He texted me last night saying he texted me all weekend and I did not reply. I replied back I did not receive any texts from him. He did not reply. I need to block him. Strike 4 lies.
@notaprofessionaljustapro , wow from 2013. I got promoted at work, divorced and have a friendly relationship with my ex. My daughter is graduating next month from college and I am not invited to the graduation. I am pretty much done with transition and I am looking to share some time and understanding with another person. A lot of change in 6 years.
@krobinson103 , I agree. I am who I am. I will not hide my past with a date. I have a large number of guys that want to meet me from POF. I am just going very slow.
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So this really nice guy at work asked to talk in private. He showed me a pic of a pretty woman that works at a bar he goes to. He said he was told she is trans pre-op. He wanted to talk to me about it. We did. He then said she is 25 and too young for him. I asked his age which is closer to my age. Anyhow, he is at work and reports to a different Senior Director but still a coworker which may be a difficult position.
He had asked about sex pre-op and I explained about hormones male and female and sex drive. I explained about sex pre-op and post op. Then said transition is about gender and elaborated and not about sex. I said I have several offers and in community I could go to lots of parties and events but I have not had sex. His facial expression changed and he said, you are a virgin, in a questioning voice. I said yes. Anyhow, he went on his way and I am just wondering what comes next.
Quote from: Rachel on May 13, 2019, 06:50:30 PM
Anyhow, he went on his way and I am just wondering what comes next.
There you go! Love comes tucking along when you expect it the least. This is similar how I met my ex, same company but different groups!
I hope he is all wild about you and thinking hard how to approach you properly!
Good luck!
Linde
Quote from: Rachel on May 10, 2019, 09:16:26 PM
So last night the guy texted me that he would only meet me if I went on whatsapp first. I said when I got home tonight I would load the app and we could video each other.
I thought about this today. I loaded the app on my phone than I stopped. He did not text me and I did not text him. I felt like it was an audition. I felt like if I passed he would date me and be seen in public. If not I would be a private play thing. I just felt like a commodity.
This is what he texted me at 12:40 AM this morning. ( my phone blocks all sounds from 9P to 3:30A)
Wm not meeting up without making a video call to ascertain us..good night.
I wake at 3:30 for work. I read his text and showered and dressed for work. I replied at 4:40 AM:
ok, when I get home tonight I will download the app and we can chat.
He made a demand. I loaded the app and he did not text or call. So, I think this is over before it started.
I could have called him. I could have texted him. I felt he put a barrier up to us meeting. I did what I said I would do but he did not text me tonight. Was I to text him or call him or video him?
Meeting in a public place I think was the issue. Hay, all he had to do was walk into the bar and if it was not to be then walk out and text me in the parking lot and say something came up. We live in the same town and it is small. Not like I was asking for much.
To be fair, he did demand we video chat before meeting. We did not video chat and he did not contact me. If he wanted to contact me and see if I loaded the app like I said I would he would have contacted me.
Strike - wanted to meet at my house
strike - made a demand
strike - did not contact me to video
Is he married? Is he just out for sex? Is he that insecure to walk into a bar and have a few minute conversation? Is he afraid someone will see him?
I wanted someone to share activities with me and yes if we connected and there was feeling toward each other then more.
I am a woman that loves herself and is not ashamed of who I am. I will not get into a relationship with someone that is not on the same page. I will most likely not meet someone but this will not stop me from trying.
I think the fact that he wanted to meet at your house is definitely a red flag, because it could mean he didn't wanna be seen in public with you and that's enough of a reason to ignore him. But wanting to do a videocall before the meeting is not necessarily a bad thing...Nowadays anyone can impersonate anyone through social media and catfish people, so maybe he just wanted to make sure you were the same person he had seen in pictures.
@Linde, I think I will just send out positive energy and see what comes my way. I hope something comes about but will not be upset if it does not.
@Charlie Nicki, I think the video chat would be be fine. I loaded the app and sent him a test stating such. He was just not secure enough in his identity and just wanted to satisfy a sexual fantasy. It was a definite red flag, thanks.
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I see Dr. Sataloff on 6/6/19 and I need some coarse of treatment for my voice. If I do not get something to break up the scar tissue then I will look elsewhere. I will have a crisp clear voice.
From looking at the scar tissue, its position and the extent of the vocal fold closure I can see how it is putting a restriction on the posterior portion of the vocal fold. If it is freed an amount equal to the top vocal fold gap I would think the vocal folds will touch.
My voice is still improving but ever so slowly. I like the pitch but not the vocal fold gap posterior.
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Vagina healing is fully complete and the correction is outstanding. I am very happy :)
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I have 2 tankinis and I want to get one regular bathing suit. Then I need to make plans for BEACH TIME. Need a good pair of sandals and a hat.
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Work
We had a one week inspection. My department had only one minor infraction and it was easily corrected on the spot. I am a week behind in work now. I am so relieved. I did not sleep last night.
Hi Rachel,
I just wanted to chime in on something that was said a little earlier in this thread. For the record I agree with almost every single thing Linde ever says...however I just found the very first thing I can't agree with. I think it's extremely important for any potential dates to know that you're trans right off the bat. (Sorry Linde)
There's so much violence here in the U.S., especially against trans people, and I'd hate for someone to hurt you if you didn't tell them and they found out later. I watch that show called All About Jazz, and her parents have instilled in her that she has to tell any potential dates immediately that she's trans. I think that's a good rule to live by.
From what I've read I think it's a good thing you didn't take that guy to your house to eat Chinese. You're were right to kick him to the curb. From your picture I can tell that you're a very beautiful woman, and you can stand to be choosy when you're picking out which person you want to date. Develop your red flags and stick by them.
I'll tell you something else too. 6 foot tall blondes don't seem to stay single for very long. There were two of them in my graduating class in high school and they were rarely ever single. I think every guy wanted to date them. It seems like guys really like tall blondes...so I think you're good to go.
Good luck on the dating trail,
xoxo
Lexxi
@Lexxi, hi and thank you for your support. On Plenty of Fish there are a lot of guys that say they want to meet me. I need to change my profile and be explicit. I need to make sure the guys know I want to be in public and not some sexual play thing. I want to have a relationship and not be made to feel I am a secret.
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So there is a Casino near me. I had not been in a casino for 30 years. I did not see a single happy person there. The energy was definitely low and the cigarette smoke was a bit much. Like I said I did not see one happy person in the whole place. I did see a lot of people looking on aimlessly. Perhaps despair is a good word. Anyhow, I checked it out and left. So a casino is definitely not a good place for me to be with people. I may check out the horse races next.
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I am at somewhat of an impasse. I do not know what to do, where to go to find my path. Am I to be with a guy or alone? Do I go back to school? Do I do specialty training? Do I try a startup (part time)? So I transitioned and am pretty much done. I still need to resolve my voice and I could get a little more hair transplanted. I could go bigger on the breasts implants (almost 0% probability). I could do some meet ups. Or I could just go through life goin to work and just being (not the most appealing).
I guess what I really want is to be part of a family unit. I know my family was dysfunctional at times but I had a sense of belonging and purpose. Now that I am alone and am trying to fine my way. I can go through the motions but I do no have the sense of belonging or purpose.
I guess as one transition in ending another transition starts. I guess such is the life of a transsexual or at lest me. I was going to stop going to therapy but I think I still need some help sorting out a direction and what I really want.
Quote from: Rachel on May 27, 2019, 07:16:27 PM
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I am at somewhat of an impasse. I do not know what to do, where to go to find my path. Do I go back to school? Do I do specialty training?
As a believer in life long learning I can only yell to you GO BACK TO SCHOOL, or do a least some training!
Linde
Rachel,
See I told you I always agree with Linde...more schooling or extra training never hurt anyone. I graduated high school in 1987 and had no interest whatsoever in going to college. That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I took a full-time job, got married, divorced, then remarried again, then had my daughter. Life was okay, but I lamented not being able to make lots and lots of money because of my lack of an education.
After I got divorced I was kind of in a rut. I owned my own business, which was fairly successful at the time, but was having a hard time doing the work due to my severe degenerative disc disease. It got to the point that I could work hard one week, then have to take the next one off to recuperate. And like anyone's who's ever owned a business will tell you, that simply won't work.
So I did the logical thing and sold my business and went to college. I started in 2012 and graduated in the spring of 2017 with my Bachelor's of Science and couldn't be prouder. It will open open a lot of doors for me.
So girl you go back to school if that's what you want to do...or get that extra training if you prefer that. You'll meet that lucky guy when you're least expecting it. I like that you changed your profile to indicate that you want to meet in public. Safety first I always say.
Hang in there, :) ;) :D
xoxo
Lada Sara had an original solution to the profile problem. In her profile she asked them to repeat something contained in the profile. This way she knew if the person had read the profile or just hit on the female name hoping to get lucky. Maybe it might be best to put that at the end of the profile so you know they worked their way all the way through it.
Quote from: Dena on May 27, 2019, 11:11:22 PM
Lada Sara had an original solution to the profile problem. In her profile she asked them to repeat something contained in the profile. This way she knew if the person had read the profile or just hit on the female name hoping to get lucky. Maybe it might be best to put that at the end of the profile so you know they worked their way all the way through it.
That does not work like this! I get daily contacts from
>-bleeped-<s! And I don't even want men! I have my info about trans at the end, they don't care, I say that I am lesbian, they don't care!
Linde it's because you're so sexy. They just can't keep from chasing you. Keep em' on their toes though. ha ha ha...
xoxo
Lexxi
Quote from: Lexxi on May 28, 2019, 04:47:01 AM
Linde it's because you're so sexy. They just can't keep from chasing you. Keep em' on their toes though. ha ha ha...
xoxo
Lexxi
Thank you Lexxi, but in my age, the sexy stuff has disappeared long ago. But I am glad that I still look pretty OK. Some women in my age look pretty down, I feel really bad for them!
Hu, this thread was recovered, awesome. I have another thread MTF in need of help 2 and I think 3 as well. Nice to go back in time.