My official first post.
Finally at 62 my gender dysphoria crushed me earlier this year. I had random crying panic attacks that I never had before. I started therapy for the first time in my life that helped me pull back from the edge.
I am now trying to find ways to cope because if I transition I will hurt everyone in my life, particularly my wife of 37 years and destroy everything I have created in my life. I figure that either way, transitioning or not, I am going to get hurt but if I don't transition I won't hurt anyone else.
Not sure why I am posting this other than to not feel so totally alone.
Once of life's many bittersweet choices, my friend. Only you can decide which path is best for you.
Hi Emma - thanks for your post. For many of us who confront our gender identity later in life, we come with the encumbrances and benefits of relationships. You are not alone.
This a journey, of which, we don't necessarily know the destination. It is a journey of exploration. In the end we all have to choose which paths to follow, and those choices likely will involve consideration of those with whom we are in close relationship.
There are a number of cases here on Susans where the life partners have joined the journey.
Just know you are not alone in this conundrum.
Anne
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Thanks Anne and Virginia.
The choice is so incredibly lonely. For the first time in my life I need help, support and understanding and my family and friends lack the capacity. Sometimes the emotions just drown me.
I wonder whether I am strong enough to wall this all up. Am I just fooling my self? I wish I had a disease that I could explain to others.
Hey Emma!
There's bunch of people who faced same situation with such a choice at your age. Usually it's not that bad as far as I know from their stories. What makes you think you'll hurt anyone? Do your family strongly against transgenders?
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 24, 2018, 12:42:27 PM
My official first post.
Finally at 62 my gender dysphoria crushed me earlier this year. I had random crying panic attacks that I never had before. I started therapy for the first time in my life that helped me pull back from the edge.
I am now trying to find ways to cope because if I transition I will hurt everyone in my life, particularly my wife of 37 years and destroy everything I have created in my life. I figure that either way, transitioning or not, I am going to get hurt but if I don't transition I won't hurt anyone else.
Not sure why I am posting this other than to not feel so totally alone.
@Emma1017 Dear Emma
Thank you for taking your time to post again here on the Forums. You are never totally alone here on the Forums... we are here to support you and to encourage you decide about your transition plans and as you reach for your goals
I see that you were already Officially Welcomed to Susan's Place by @Jessica, @KathyLauren, myself and other members back several months ago on March 14th on your previous and very first posting "New and very raw".
Included in Jessica's Welcome Message were important and informational LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums... pay particularity close attention to the LINKS IN RED... answers to most questions that new members ask will be found there. For your convenience I have attached those LINKS below my message.
I also notice that you have not visited the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to let many other members know of your arrival here... as I tell all new members, a brief posting there with some details about yourself will help you to receive more give and take... and sharing with other like-minded members.
And there is a good chance that you will make some new friends during your time on the forums.
IMPORTANT NOTE: I am going to suggest that your "official first post" here be moved to the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) where it most appropriately belongs.
Thank you again for your posting and for joining Susan's Place.
I will be looking for your future postings around the forums and the sharing of your thoughts.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
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Hi again, Emma!
I am sorry that you are feeling the pain of this decision. It is a common predicament for those of us who figure this stuff out late in life.
To keep it in perspective, you have already been hurting for 60-ish years. I understand the desire not to inflict pain on your wife, and it is admirable. But your pain will continue for another 20? or 30? years if you choose to remain in the closet about who you really are.
I saw in your first post, back in March, that you have already told your wife, and that she is in denial. That is unfortunate, but it means that the situation is not all your doing. So don't beat yourself up about it. She is a participant, not a bystander.
I don't have any answers for you. Only you can decide on the best course forward. The equation you are trying to solve is how to minimize the pain for both of you.
Thank you Vesh for your thoughts. They mean a lot.
Hi Danielle. I must have screwed something up because I didn't see the posts from March. I thought my post never posted and I went back into massive denial. I has taken me this long to finally admit I need to talk to others. I have been resisting...pretty much everything regarding my gender dysphoria. I have never been this scared.
I will take the time to follow your instructions. Thank you.
Hi Kathy. My wife and I are still ignoring the elephant in the room.
I am especially protective of her because we lost our older son to leukemia four years ago and she has lost mother recently. Both her father and sister died from cancer so she has lost so much. She said to me that she can't lose me too. I told her I am never leaving.
I would rather suck up my pain than hurt her, ever.
Sorry I didn't mean to dump this. I guess I am just desperate.
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 24, 2018, 02:04:34 PM
Sorry I didn't mean to dump this. I guess I am just desperate.
Don't apologize, hun. That's what we are here for. Every one of us dumped a load of pent-up emotions on the forum when we first showed up. Feel free to vent, ask questions, whatever you need to do.
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 24, 2018, 01:55:22 PM
Thank you Vesh for your thoughts. They mean a lot.
Hi Danielle. I must have screwed something up because I didn't see the posts from March. I thought my post never posted and I went back into massive denial. I has taken me this long to finally admit I need to talk to others. I have been resisting...pretty much everything regarding my gender dysphoria. I have never been this scared.
I will take the time to follow your instructions. Thank you.
@Emma1017 Dear Emma: Here is the
LINK to your posting back in March... "New and very raw"
...there you will not only see your first post but also all of the replies comments.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235364.msg2107922.html#msg2107922Thank you for your reply,
Danielle
Thank you Danielle. I forgot what I wrote and never saw the responses. I just thought I posted wrong.
Thanks to all. This is the closest I have gotten to a supportive and understanding hug. Wow this is really emotional...
I have to process this
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 24, 2018, 02:18:58 PM
Thank you Danielle. I forgot what I wrote and never saw the responses. I just thought I posted wrong.
Thanks to all. This is the closest I have gotten to a supportive and understanding hug. Wow this is really emotional...
I have to process this
@Emma1017 Dear EmmaHere is a
BIG HUG for you...
and more Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Ok now you have me crying and I don't cry...thank you
Hi Emma 1017,
You don't necessarily have to transition and cause a train wreck. You could allow some expression of your female self to release some pressure and anxiety. Your wife probably knows you care deeply but is already suffering enough grief for now.
Maybe talking to her and reassuring her might allow you to start HRT but only feminize as much as you are both comfortable with. She may even like a more serene you if you start HRT.
All I am trying to say is I know how you feel. I tried to soldier on to protect the integrity of my wife and family. I'm a dedicated husband but in the end outside of work and family duty I had to spend some time as my female self and got on HRT.
Most of the time I appear as the same old husband but I get to release the pressure of not having an aligned gender.
I feel for your situation - it is difficult whatever way you look at it. There are options between doing nothing and full transition though.
Even just HRT alone can provide relief without destroying the marriage - no one needs to know except the wife.
Wishing you both the best in a difficult time,
Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Thank you Kristen. I appreciate your thoughts. I think I am going to suggest that my wife meet with my therapist who can give her some neutral ground. To date my wife has refused to see a therapist, even after losing our son.
I am going to ask her to do it just once for me and see if we move closer together with this.
We still hug, kiss and talk but about everything else but this.
I have to sign off but THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Emma 🙋♀️ Glad you posted this! Good to see you again 🌸🌸🌸
I moved your thread/post to the Introduction forum, where it can be easier recognized that you are a newer member, giving them a better opportunity to say hi!
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 24, 2018, 02:54:41 PM
Thank you Kristen. I appreciate your thoughts. I think I am going to suggest that my wife meet with my therapist who can give her some neutral ground. To date my wife has refused to see a therapist, even after losing our son.
I am going to ask her to do it just once for me and see if we move closer together with this.
We still hug, kiss and talk but about everything else but this.
Hi Emma
One of the biggest things I had to get past with my wife of 33 years is that horrible feeling I was "doing it too her" I was not actually doing anything to her...OKay so how does all that work then? How could I not have done something to her. After all I did transition, I did have issues even costing me family members.
It has not been all plain sailing for my wife and I but we did keep talking. She had some really difficulties and was reluctant to say anything because she feared hurting me. In the end I convinced her to see someone for her own sake and not mine, I was already seeing a therapist and a Psychiatrist so I was pretty much covered as far as my own mental health went. It took some persuading but she was unhappy about a number of things. I took her to the session and to this day I have no clue what was discussed, but when I picked her up she was beaming from ear to ear and has never looked back. She won't ell me and IO don't ask anymore but whatever was discussed gave my wife great insight as toi ho0w it was for me. The only things she did say is that she didn't realise what I was going through and how incredibly difficult it must be. What was different was her actions, she became my most ardent advocate and defender.
I hope you and your wife can work it out. What ewver it is you need to do and that may not be a full transition of any kind but maybe just some small chnages that help you. Having a supportive partner during this will make life so much easier.
Our relkationship changed but when you consider how bad it was we needed it too. At the time I did not realise how destructive my GD was and how far apart we were drifting. I have said this before and I will say it again because it is soo true. My wife and I are closer now than at any time during our marriage. We are rock solid with each other...there are no more surprises to be had.
BIG HUGS TO YOU BOTH
Take care
LIz
Hello Emma
I just wanted to jump in to let you know what I've learned in my marriage of 38 years.
Your wife really isn't losing you you're still the same person she married. Although I know this is not what she signed up for but remember the For Better or For Worse in sickness and in health thing that you both agreed on.
Well I just wanted you to know this is how my wife took it
When two human beings are in love and especially get married and live together as long as you two have there is something that transcends things even like gender.
I would imagine after all these years she really cares for you and definitely wants the best for you, but she might need a little more time to process and work through this. I think once she realizes that you had no choice in this whatsoever, it's merely the way that you came out of your mother's womb.
Okay here comes the in sickness and health part.
Well I guess we were all born sick with gender dysphoria but that word did not exist back when we were born, but it is established as a truth now. And she took the wedding vows and agreed on them. So in all reality what's the difference between what we have and some other disease or sickness like cancer or heart disease or something where she would have no problem to Stand By Your Side and help you through this.
If she can just get through the social taboos that are ancient and need to be accepted as any other sickness.
It's not a lifestyle change, like one day you just decided, oh I'm going to be trans you had no choice whatsoever in this and I hope your wife realizes this it's nothing weird, it's nothing freakish, it's nothing to really be embarrassed about once you get over the ancient social taboos.
I myself waited way too long for treatment and literally broke down and was completely unfunctional.
My wife has always known what the core problem or issue that was causing all of this and she was the one pushing me for treatment because she knows I'm still going to be the same person, we still have the same past, we're still just as much or more in love as we have ever been.
My wife really wants me to be healthy and functional and she sees this happening to me and I've only started HRT about 2 months ago.
It's so obvious that my life is changing so very much to the positive that she would never let me stop treatment because things are just getting better and better for us.
I really believe that if your wife understood this she would stand by your side just the same as any other sickness.
The one thing you've got going for you is the magic of love.
You two have been together for so long you sure don't need to lose this over you being sick.
I most sincerely hope your wife takes the time to learn about your sickness and realize you were born with it.
I think that if you give her enough time she might realize this to.
If PM,ing me or even have your wife talk to my wife might help please feel free to do so.
All the best to you dear I most sincerely hope the both of you stay together and work through this.
Love Tatiana
Hi Emma :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Wow to everyone again Thank You!
I am sorry I didn't start a dialogue sooner. I was so embarrassed at what I perceived as my own weakness that I didn't realize that it wasn't my fault and that in fact I am part of a group of fantastic, caring people.
I have a lot to learn, even at this stage of my life. Not sure which path I will take but at least I know that I am not alone.
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 24, 2018, 02:54:41 PM
Thank you Kristen. I appreciate your thoughts. I think I am going to suggest that my wife meet with my therapist who can give her some neutral ground. To date my wife has refused to see a therapist, even after losing our son.
I am going to ask her to do it just once for me and see if we move closer together with this.
We still hug, kiss and talk but about everything else but this.
Hi Emma 🙋♀️ I am in the same boat that
@Kirsteneklund7 and
@LizK is on.
I'm finally at the point where the elephant in the room is being addressed.
It was my wife that suggested gender therapy after knowing it was part of me for years.
Why it took a year to get her on board with therapy for herself is because she has always (37 years) been very poor at communication.
She gives me the support that shows she cares, and mine for her, but there was that elephant that I now is being led out of the room.
We are a very loving couple, and there is no thought of giving up, but she is one to keep emotions to herself.
I on the other hand, love to talk.
Therapy can be a wonderful tool, hopefully it will prove effective for you and your wife.
« Sent to: Emma1017 on: Today at 04:08:05 pm »ReplyQuoteDelete
Hi Emma 🙋♀️ I moved your thread/post to the Introduction forum, where it can be easier recognized that you are a newer member, giving them a better opportunity to say hi!
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
ok now I have a simple "aduh" question: How do you respond to a members individual message? thanks
There is a "Quote" button in the upper right of each message. If you click on that button, it put that message in a "Reply" text box you can then write in.
Kate
Thank you Jessica
Quote from: Jessica on August 24, 2018, 08:05:17 PM
Hi Emma 🙋♀️ I am in the same boat that @Kirsteneklund7 and @LizK is on.
I'm finally at the point where the elephant in the room is being addressed.
It was my wife that suggested gender therapy after knowing it was part of me for years.
Why it took a year to get her on board with therapy for herself is because she has always (37 years) been very poor at communication.
She gives me the support that shows she cares, and mine for her, but there was that elephant that I now is being led out of the room.
We are a very loving couple, and there is no thought of giving up, but she is one to keep emotions to herself.
I on the other hand, love to talk.
Therapy can be a wonderful tool, hopefully it will prove effective for you and your wife.
« Sent to: Emma1017 on: Today at 04:08:05 pm »ReplyQuoteDelete
Hi Emma 🙋♀️ I moved your thread/post to the Introduction forum, where it can be easier recognized that you are a newer member, giving them a better opportunity to say hi!
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
Thank you Kristen
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on August 24, 2018, 02:46:42 PM
Hi Emma 1017,
You don't necessarily have to transition and cause a train wreck. You could allow some expression of your female self to release some pressure and anxiety. Your wife probably knows you care deeply but is already suffering enough grief for now.
Maybe talking to her and reassuring her might allow you to start HRT but only feminize as much as you are both comfortable with. She may even like a more serene you if you start HRT.
All I am trying to say is I know how you feel. I tried to soldier on to protect the integrity of my wife and family. I'm a dedicated husband but in the end outside of work and family duty I had to spend some time as my female self and got on HRT.
Most of the time I appear as the same old husband but I get to release the pressure of not having an aligned gender.
I feel for your situation - it is difficult whatever way you look at it. There are options between doing nothing and full transition though.
Even just HRT alone can provide relief without destroying the marriage - no one needs to know except the wife.
Wishing you both the best in a difficult time,
Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
No worries Emma . I would love to hear how you go. PM me anytime. You can probably give me a few tips.
Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
It took a bit of time but the transition has cost me basically everything, except financial security and career performance. It has been felt in the latter but it's going ok, I feel like I'm limited to self-employment now and that is not necessarily a bad thing, but the feeling like I could step into any company and help them with a thing or three is missed.
After initial acceptance, I lost my marriage, my family, kids will not speak to me etc. Just the loss of a level of anonymity is missed.
However, I've also gained - gained new love, gained new friends, activism to support a community, and support of my ever-desire to mess with the world and conventional thinking. It is no way easy and it is fraught with challenges i never expected but it is my journey and however short my time is left, i have had the opportunity to be myself. That is fairly priceless.
Thank you all for your responses. I haven't figured out how to private message. I wanted to share what I have learned so far. Let me know if I missed anything:
1. It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2. It is not a choice. It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3. The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older. It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4. The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5. Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast. Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand. In most instances they do the complete opposite.
6. Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7. You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.
8. On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weigh of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn't choose.
9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life.
10. When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 31, 2018, 07:21:28 AM
10. When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.
Emma if you read some of my earlier posts you will see that I as far as I was concerned my life was over when I began my transition in 2015...I have had some losses and in unexpected ways from unexpected people but unfortunately we have losses. Transition is long , its hard, its fraught with emotional pitfalls, people hate you just because your are you, it physically hurts...but that first day when you realise your GD is gone...maybe only briefly but you truly feel free of it you realise just how much it impacts your life on a daily basis. As my transition has progressed my GD has steadily receded...yes I have bad days but in the beginning I was convinced I couldn't pass/blend in, I resigned myself to being outed completely all the time but my reality is very different from that.
It may well cost you in some ways but you are never going to live this life again. I know who I am finally at the age of 54...I have stopped wondering, I am not looking for that missing piece in my life because I know what it is. I am a woman who was unfortunately born into the life of a man. I managed for as long and as best I could but in the end the choice came down to no choice at all. It is s tough journey with huge personal rewards, finally living your life with relatively little to o GD makes such a difference.
There is no one way to be trans or to transition...there are things I have done during my transition that I never thought possible and there is s certain amount of joy in just living an authentic life like everyone else.
I hope you find your way
Take care
Liz
Thank you Liz
Quote from: LizK on August 31, 2018, 09:07:34 AM
Emma if you read some of my earlier posts you will see that I as far as I was concerned my life was over when I began my transition in 2015...I have had some losses and in unexpected ways from unexpected people but unfortunately we have losses. Transition is long , its hard, its fraught with emotional pitfalls, people hate you just because your are you, it physically hurts...but that first day when you realise your GD is gone...maybe only briefly but you truly feel free of it you realise just how much it impacts your life on a daily basis. As my transition has progressed my GD has steadily receded...yes I have bad days but in the beginning I was convinced I couldn't pass/blend in, I resigned myself to being outed completely all the time but my reality is very different from that.
It may well cost you in some ways but you are never going to live this life again. I know who I am finally at the age of 54...I have stopped wondering, I am not looking for that missing piece in my life because I know what it is. I am a woman who was unfortunately born into the life of a man. I managed for as long and as best I could but in the end the choice came down to no choice at all. It is s tough journey with huge personal rewards, finally living your life with relatively little to o GD makes such a difference.
There is no one way to be trans or to transition...there are things I have done during my transition that I never thought possible and there is s certain amount of joy in just living an authentic life like everyone else.
I hope you find your way
Take care
Liz
Emma,
I am in the same boat as you. I just came out to my councilor being trans. But scared to death to tell my wife of almost 33 years. Although not too sure about transitioning yet. Hopefully with help from a trans specialist councilor I can get though this.
Kymmie
Hey Kymmie:
Thank God I started therapy with a great person. You need to have allies, particularly when you have so much against you. As I have just learned this site also gives you more allies who help and understand.
Best wishes,
Emma
author=Kymmie Lorain link=topic=240370.msg2170600#msg2170600 date=1535729746]
Emma,
I am in the same boat as you. I just came out to my councilor being trans. But scared to death to tell my wife of almost 33 years. Although not too sure about transitioning yet. Hopefully with help from a trans specialist councilor I can get though this.
Kymmie
[/quote]
Allies, friends, support network, whatever you want to call it, is I think a critical part of transition (as it is to be human). Therapy is a huge option too.
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 31, 2018, 07:21:28 AM
9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life.
10. When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.
Emma, I think that your first eight points sum up the pre-transition transgender experience extremely well. For the last two points, they can happen, but it doesn't inevitably work out that way.
Some wives are made of warrior material, and will stand by their spouse no matter what. Mine did, and I know there are many others that did as well. The warrior nature is not always evident until they are tested. So telling one's wife, even though it can be as scary as heck, does not always end in disaster.
Workplaces and society in general are starting to come around to acceptance and even support for us. Yes, there are a few reactionary holdouts making a lot of noise, and finding oneself on the wrong side of then is not nice, but the reality is not usually as bad as our fears.
Emma,
As you can see from the responses here, you are not alone! I'm 66 and I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago. My biggest concern when I got the news was I would never be able to experience living as I felt on the inside. My wife and I were celebrating 43 years of marriage, and all I wanted was to be me. So, we sat down and talked. We talked about the cancer, what treatment options I had, and what she should do if I didn't survive. I then tried to explain to her why I always enjoyed underdressing with women's clothing. I told her I needed to see a gender therapist, and I wanted her to go with me! That was the most emotional time we had ever experienced together. That appointment saved our marriage, and opened my eyes to why I had always felt this way. I wasn't sick or perverted. It saved my life! I had suffered from serve depression my entire adult life. Suicide was always a consideration.
Now, my life is turning around! I'm cancer free. (Surgery took care of that). My wife is understanding and supportive. We have decided that I should start HRT to help with the depression and dysphoria. I have been "out" as Joanne many times, and if feels so natural to me. I dress very conservatively and try to just blend in as a women. I feel so relaxed when out. It is a feeling I can not even describe! I've waited 66 for this, and finally I know who I am. Good luck with your journey! I hope you will be able to experience the person you have been hiding all these years.
Joanne
Wow Joanne thank you for sharing!
Quote from: Joanne ONeal on August 31, 2018, 12:50:17 PM
Emma,
As you can see from the responses here, you are not alone! I'm 66 and I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago. My biggest concern when I got the news was I would never be able to experience living as I felt on the inside. My wife and I were celebrating 43 years of marriage, and all I wanted was to be me. So, we sat down and talked. We talked about the cancer, what treatment options I had, and what she should do if I didn't survive. I then tried to explain to her why I always enjoyed underdressing with women's clothing. I told her I needed to see a gender therapist, and I wanted her to go with me! That was the most emotional time we had ever experienced together. That appointment saved our marriage, and opened my eyes to why I had always felt this way. I wasn't sick or perverted. It saved my life! I had suffered from serve depression my entire adult life. Suicide was always a consideration.
Now, my life is turning around! I'm cancer free. (Surgery took care of that). My wife is understanding and supportive. We have decided that I should start HRT to help with the depression and dysphoria. I have been "out" as Joanne many times, and if feels so natural to me. I dress very conservatively and try to just blend in as a women. I feel so relaxed when out. It is a feeling I can not even describe! I've waited 66 for this, and finally I know who I am. Good luck with your journey! I hope you will be able to experience the person you have been hiding all these years.
Joanne
Thanks Joanne for giving me hope.
Quote from: Joanne ONeal on August 31, 2018, 12:50:17 PM
Emma,
As you can see from the responses here, you are not alone! I'm 66 and I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago. My biggest concern when I got the news was I would never be able to experience living as I felt on the inside. My wife and I were celebrating 43 years of marriage, and all I wanted was to be me. So, we sat down and talked. We talked about the cancer, what treatment options I had, and what she should do if I didn't survive. I then tried to explain to her why I always enjoyed underdressing with women's clothing. I told her I needed to see a gender therapist, and I wanted her to go with me! That was the most emotional time we had ever experienced together. That appointment saved our marriage, and opened my eyes to why I had always felt this way. I wasn't sick or perverted. It saved my life! I had suffered from serve depression my entire adult life. Suicide was always a consideration.
Now, my life is turning around! I'm cancer free. (Surgery took care of that). My wife is understanding and supportive. We have decided that I should start HRT to help with the depression and dysphoria. I have been "out" as Joanne many times, and if feels so natural to me. I dress very conservatively and try to just blend in as a women. I feel so relaxed when out. It is a feeling I can not even describe! I've waited 66 for this, and finally I know who I am. Good luck with your journey! I hope you will be able to experience the person you have been hiding all these years.
Joanne
One of the hardest things has been for me to accept that I am transgender.
I keep hoping I am wrong, that it will go away or that there is a cure. I know that I am stupid to keep hoping for things that can't happen but I still can't wrap my head around it.
If I can't how can I expect others in my life to?
I look in the mirror and just see a 62 year old guy...sigh
Hey, Emma, look from different side.
You lived 62 years to please everyone around you. Why you forbidden to live for yourself? Maybe that is question you have to ask your family?
Hello Emma
Sweetheart there is absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed about being trans you were born that way and had no control in the situation whatsoever.
And as far as it going away it's not going to happen, it's far better to accept your fate then deny it and be destroyed by it, as I almost was.
One of the worst things you can do is deny it because it'll only fester inside of you and grow worse.
I also thought it would go away when I got married but guess what it did not.
It's really no different than being born with another kind of sickness.
I think that you really need to accept this to be able to come to terms with it and it's no different than other sicknesses that are well understood.
It's just that gender dysphoria is not well understood so there's bound to be a lot of room for incorrect speculation.
humans tend to fear and discriminate against things they don't understand and there's no difference here.
And yes there is a cure for it and I think you know what it is and let me tell you it really works. I have only been on HRT for 2 months and it is already working miracles for me greatly improving the quality of my life, isn't this what you also want.
Like you before treatment I would see the same thing in the mirror some old dude standing there but now things have totally changed and I see myself totally different in the mirror even though I have always seen the girl that lies behind my eyes that has always been there.
But now it's all very positive for me and I have hope for the future where before I had none and many of my physical ailments such as insomnia anxiety depression have been greatly diminished and been defanged.
I know this can be a little scary at your point but please realize you still have a lot of life to give and you can open a whole new chapter up in your life and embrace it as something that you've always wanted.
What happened to me was after I embraced it and receive treatment everyone else in my life seen the very positive results that happened from this and now they're all very glad that I started treatment because they know this was the medicine that I needed or the core issue that caused all those other problems I had.
Do not think you're too old and this cannot be achieved.
Just check out warlockmaker if you don't believe me because I believe she started transition around your age and now she's just a gorgeous woman.
I honestly can say that it totally changed my life around and I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life very much and I probably Never Felt This Good in my previous entire life
But accepting who you are comes first being transgender before you can start to feel better about yourself
All the best to you sweetheart
love Tatiana
Thanks Alice. I have a hard time doing something that is entirely for me.
I just can't convince myself to hurt my wife. We have been together since college and she is the love of my life.
Quote from: Alice V on September 06, 2018, 10:04:09 AM
Hey, Emma, look from different side.
You lived 62 years to please everyone around you. Why you forbidden to live for yourself? Maybe that is question you have to ask your family?
Thank you Tatiana.
I feel that you are right. I am just afraid to inflict the intense emotional pain on my wife. She deserves better.
Quote from: Tatiana 79 on September 06, 2018, 10:09:20 AM
Hello Emma
Sweetheart there is absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed about being trans you were born that way and had no control in the situation whatsoever.
And as far as it going away it's not going to happen, it's far better to accept your fate then deny it and be destroyed by it, as I almost was.
One of the worst things you can do is deny it because it'll only fester inside of you and grow worse.
I also thought it would go away when I got married but guess what it did not.
It's really no different than being born with another kind of sickness.
I think that you really need to accept this to be able to come to terms with it and it's no different than other sicknesses that are well understood.
It's just that gender dysphoria is not well understood so there's bound to be a lot of room for incorrect speculation.
humans tend to fear and discriminate against things they don't understand and there's no difference here.
And yes there is a cure for it and I think you know what it is and let me tell you it really works. I have only been on HRT for 2 months and it is already working miracles for me greatly improving the quality of my life, isn't this what you also want.
Like you before treatment I would see the same thing in the mirror some old dude standing there but now things have totally changed and I see myself totally different in the mirror even though I have always seen the girl that lies behind my eyes that has always been there.
But now it's all very positive for me and I have hope for the future where before I had none and many of my physical ailments such as insomnia anxiety depression have been greatly diminished and been defanged.
I know this can be a little scary at your point but please realize you still have a lot of life to give and you can open a whole new chapter up in your life and embrace it as something that you've always wanted.
What happened to me was after I embraced it and receive treatment everyone else in my life seen the very positive results that happened from this and now they're all very glad that I started treatment because they know this was the medicine that I needed or the core issue that caused all those other problems I had.
Do not think you're too old and this cannot be achieved.
Just check out warlockmaker if you don't believe me because I believe she started transition around your age and now she's just a gorgeous woman.
I honestly can say that it totally changed my life around and I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life very much and I probably Never Felt This Good in my previous entire life
But accepting who you are comes first being transgender before you can start to feel better about yourself
All the best to you sweetheart
love Tatiana
Quote from: Emma1017 on September 06, 2018, 10:58:32 AM
Thank you Tatiana.
I feel that you are right. I am just afraid to inflict the intense emotional pain on my wife. She deserves better.
You're right. She does deserve better.
And, you getting worse, which is what will happen, will not be better for her.
Kate
Quote from: KatieP on September 06, 2018, 11:26:18 AM
You're right. She does deserve better.
And, you getting worse, which is what will happen, will not be better for her.
Kate
Thank you Kate for saying what I was about to, albeit slightly different words.
Emma,
If you are not yourself, then your wife either has lost you already or never really had you. The same goes for you my dear.
That said, I will qualify my remarks with this caveat: who you truly are may not be someone who values your own self first. I personally found that was exactly my problem my whole life and why it took so long for me to realize who I am. Now, I honestly can't say if the two are possibly even separate things. "I love myself because I know who I am" or "I know who I am because I love myself"? It's an answer I don't find any value in determining because it's a win both ways.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Marriage is a balance and it absolutely has to be subject to change over its life. If not it is only you living for another's ideas, values, expectations, and overall comfort.
Sure, marriages are never completely one-sided, stuff always flows back the other way. While that sacrifice is admirable to a large extent, I agree it is both unfair to you and her, because it robs both of you, the ability to see yourself as you are. The security of that may feel better than the unknown, no doubt about it and only you can make that value judgment.
I never, ever saw myself or my spouse leaving our marriage, it really was so good for both of us in so many ways, but ultimately I knew I owed it to both of us to be real and then "come what may". There are many days I regret it but ultimately what were my choices? For me, integrity and love meant I could only go one way. I'm still alive, still striving and I have found new love. Good luck and deepest feelings for whatever you choose.
It just goes against everything that I am to inflict that kind of pain.
She has lost everyone in her family to cancer, including our oldest son.
This is painful and I am trying to figure out how I can cope but I feel like its a rigged game that inevitably I will lose.
Its like an addiction without any treatment.
Oh, Honey!
There is absolutely a treatment. And best of all, concerning that treatment, YOU (YOU!!!) get to decide your part of it.
Literally ALL of us have made some compromise somewhere along our transgender path. All of us. And, the best part is that you get to chose your own compromises. The ones I made are not the ones you have to choose.
Equally, you only have to make one step at a time. You do NOT have to decide the END today. You only have to decide today's steps whichever direction they may lead. There is no one who knows the end of their journey. I suggest: Don't worry about all the things that MIGHT happen. Only decide on the next thing you have to decide on today, and then take that step, whichever way you need to go.
And, the point of a good therapist is to help you take on only as much as you can at each step.
And, of course, there are hundreds of people on this forum, in every stage of this journey, apparently more than happy to share their experiences. Of course none of them means anything really to you. You get to blaze your own path... (Thank goodness...)
Kate
Hi Emma,
It sure sounds like you are getting a lot of wonderful support here full of wisdom, and encouragement to help you with whatever path you ultimately choose. I too am new to finally accepting my transgendered self. I don't have wisdom to share like others here, but I simply wanted to chime in as another person letting you know that you are not alone. Keep going to your therapist, working through everything, and I believe you will find a happy solution that works for you and your wife. It sounds like you two have been through a lot together, and I'm positive you can surely make it through this and you will both be happy being yourselves.
Sincerely,
Anita
Thank you all for everything that has been said.
I feel like I have been selfishly dragging everyone through my circular path of pain as if I am the only one. It helps to know that I am not alone at all.
Your heartfelt words give me hope and that means everything. Thanks for listening and being there.
Emma you're not alone and this is probably was first thing people said to you :) Perhaps it requires some time to settle I guess :D
And there's nothing wrong to be selfish. Everyone is selfish, they just choosing what they want and do actually what they want. So don't worry about that :) People here for you, we want to help you somehow. Trick is that you should help yourself otherwise we can do nothing :)
Thank you Alice.
I am fighting accepting who and what I am. I keep pushing back hoping I can have peace with the life I have right now but it is a 24/7 battle.
I have a great therapist and she my greatest ally right now. She keeps telling me I need time to process. I guess at 62 I am not that patient. I want the answer that will let be where I am right now in my life. I honestly don't want to be trans....but I am.
She keeps pointing out how I keep putting other and their needs ahead of mine...I know of no other way. I grew up macho with the concept of "I will take the bullet for you".
Last February I started having panic attacking and started to quietly cry on the subway platform on the way home from work...that is NOT me but maybe it really is me trying to communicate and I am a fool for fighting it.
I still need to process.
Quote from: Emma1017 on September 07, 2018, 07:22:41 PM
Thank you Alice.
I am fighting accepting who and what I am. I keep pushing back hoping I can have peace with the life I have right now but it is a 24/7 battle.
I have a great therapist and she my greatest ally right now. She keeps telling me I need time to process. I guess at 62 I am not that patient. I want the answer that will let be where I am right now in my life. I honestly don't want to be trans....but I am.
She keeps pointing out how I keep putting other and their needs ahead of mine...I know of no other way. I grew up macho with the concept of "I will take the bullet for you".
Last February I started having panic attacking and started to quietly cry on the subway platform on the way home from work...that is NOT me but maybe it really is me trying to communicate and I am a fool for fighting it.
I still need to process.
The term "take a bullet for you" resonates with me, big time. It's not necessarily macho though. What mother would not do that for her child?
The thing is - I would take a bullet for my spouse, partner, family member etc in a heartbeat. Sacrifice and done and the idea is that they carry on. But... would I ever be capable of taking "death by 100000 paper cuts" (i just made that up)? Probably not, not for anyone. I'm only human and can endure only so much with the coping mechanisms I have. Sacrifice is finite and some sacrifice feels infinite.
Please, (not literally of course) take a bullet for yourself. Instead of sacrificing yourself for others all the time, sacrifice FOR YOURSELF.
Quote from: RobynD on September 12, 2018, 09:33:29 AM
The thing is - I would take a bullet for my spouse, partner, family member etc in a heartbeat. Sacrifice and done and the idea is that they carry on. But... would I ever be capable of taking "death by 100000 paper cuts" (i just made that up)? Probably not, not for anyone. I'm only human and can endure only so much with the coping mechanisms I have. Sacrifice is finite and some sacrifice feels infinite.
I'm reposting this here from my public page on FB.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180912/17167e29ec293685b9b52faf08639a03.jpg)
#fact
Another fact is that even the tallest, most majestic of mountains, are slowly eroded by seemingly insignificant things. Remember that the next time you think a careless word isn't that big of a deal.
❤️
"No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood."[emoji26]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Wow Robyn well said.
A bullet is quick and over. It is not the long, painful torture that we all seem to have endured.
I guess I haven't reached the point yet to say "enough" and decide that my pain is worse than anyone else, including my wife.
Based on what I have read here, it seems only a matter of time until I do.
Quote from: RobynD on September 12, 2018, 09:33:29 AM
The term "take a bullet for you" resonates with me, big time. It's not necessarily macho though. What mother would not do that for her child?
The thing is - I would take a bullet for my spouse, partner, family member etc in a heartbeat. Sacrifice and done and the idea is that they carry on. But... would I ever be capable of taking "death by 100000 paper cuts" (i just made that up)? Probably not, not for anyone. I'm only human and can endure only so much with the coping mechanisms I have. Sacrifice is finite and some sacrifice feels infinite.
Thank you Kathy for your great advice. I have updated number 9 my "Top 10" with your help:
9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you may have selfishly destroyed her life
unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.
I believe I am married to a "warrior" but I need to do a better job enlisting her help. I just need to get more courage. Maybe it will come with my final acceptance of who I am.
Quote from: KathyLauren on August 31, 2018, 12:20:03 PM
Emma, I think that your first eight points sum up the pre-transition transgender experience extremely well. For the last two points, they can happen, but it doesn't inevitably work out that way.
Some wives are made of warrior material, and will stand by their spouse no matter what. Mine did, and I know there are many others that did as well. The warrior nature is not always evident until they are tested. So telling one's wife, even though it can be as scary as heck, does not always end in disaster.
Workplaces and society in general are starting to come around to acceptance and even support for us. Yes, there are a few reactionary holdouts making a lot of noise, and finding oneself on the wrong side of then is not nice, but the reality is not usually as bad as our fears.
Thank you Mari for your very kind words and support. I recently bought a print that had this quote from Plato:
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
The collective kindness that I have felt from you and everyone else is very humbling.
Quote from: Mari P on September 12, 2018, 10:17:46 AM
Please, (not literally of course) take a bullet for yourself. Instead of sacrificing yourself for others all the time, sacrifice FOR YOURSELF.
I'm reposting this here from my public page on FB.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180912/17167e29ec293685b9b52faf08639a03.jpg)
#fact
Another fact is that even the tallest, most majestic of mountains, are slowly eroded by seemingly insignificant things. Remember that the next time you think a careless word isn't that big of a deal.
"No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood."[emoji26]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Emma1017 on September 06, 2018, 09:41:06 AM
One of the hardest things has been for me to accept that I am transgender.
I keep hoping I am wrong, that it will go away or that there is a cure. I know that I am stupid to keep hoping for things that can't happen but I still can't wrap my head around it.
If I can't how can I expect others in my life to?
I look in the mirror and just see a 62 year old guy...sigh
Hi Emma, 14 September 2018
I'm relatively new here and I probably don't have enough experience or creds to be offering advice to you or anyone for that matter, though I'm going to try.
Those of us that are trans developed differently while in utero; if MTF our bodies received testosterone and our brains received estrogen. The end result is we are transgender. We were dealt a hand of cards. In that hand are a Queen and a King. This is something you should look at as a plus. We have an option that cis people don't readily have. If we so choose, we can change from male to female to align our bodies with our brains.
We have to keep in mind we only have one life to live while on this planet. We have a right and an obligation to be happy.
Before you do anything else I'd recommend that you find a professional counselor that specializes in Transgender issues and is hopefully MTF transgender themselves. They can help guide you and your spouse, but first see the counselor by yourself. They can help you bring your wife on board.
I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how accepting your wife and children will be of your decision to transition.
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about being 62. you are only as old as you think. I think you are probably one of the youngsters here. It's only too late when they are shoveling dirt onto us. You have adequate time, believe me.
A little background on me; I started attending counseling 08 March 2018, I've been here at Susan's Place since 15 March 2018, began HRT 27 March 2018, and Orchiectomy surgery 13 April 2018. I've been living full time as a woman for almost 7 years. The only things I don't do are to wear dresses and try to pass as a female due to current physical limitations. In time those issues will be dealt with. I want to wait for the HRT to do its work before I do the rest of mine.
Best of luck on your journey to being who and what you want to be. You are in a good place with lots of fine folks that can help you along the way.
Best Always, Love
Christine
PS:
Almost forgot to mention that I turned 78 years young this past August. Take care young lady.
Christine you humble me. Thank you for your inspiration!
I am fearfully considering HRT. The courage I needed has found a place in the hearts and sincere thoughts of everyone here.
Thank you.
Aww :) Emma we're with you whatever you decide ;)
I am learning a new way to cry and these are good tears. Thanks Alice
Quote from: Alice V on September 17, 2018, 12:56:27 AM
Aww :) Emma we're with you whatever you decide ;)
Emma,
I am very new to coming out. I have only just told my wife of 18 years a month ago. I am not on HRT or anything but my life is spinning. Please let me share something that I was told by a wonderful woman I met on another forum. She has been on hormones for almost 10 years and is going to get her SRS next year. This was profound and touched me deeply.
"try to imagine walking into a room that is pitch black. All you can see is a single metal table with a box and a single light above it. In the box is an item that represents every single item that you have, have had, or ever will have in your entire life and one rolled up paper that simply says life on it. You are told by a voice. you can lay every item out on the table and walk away taking nothing but the empty box with the understanding that anyone at any time can take one of those items and you will lose it forever, but you will be happy the remainder of your days, OR you can take the box with the items and walk away now but never know true happiness and go on just surviving in the world with a hole right through your center. The lights come up and its in the middle of a busy New York city street. I made the choice to leave everything on the table. I think that made the gravity of what I had to face, what all that are trans have to face hit home for him. You have to be willing to lose everything and know that happiness for you is what you want. Yeah it may hurt others may disturb others, may totally upturn your very existence, but in the end it is an attempt to feel what those who are cis feel every day.... whole...happy, normal. That is a hard realization, but once you get to the point where you understand that you've chosen this path willingly does the rest matter? you've laid the items out on that table and walked away. In that there is some comfort, the hardest part is done. Sometimes we get to keep what we set on the table for a time, sometimes forever, sometimes we lose it right away, all we can do is be happy and try to see how long we get to keep these things"
Love and faith to you Emma.
Gabrielle
Thank you Gabrielle.
It is massively difficult to decide to risk everything and everyone. I feel that I am becoming more comfortable with what I must do but I am still battling inside.
Ok I just had a very happy "male" day. My wife and I had a great day just doing "stuff". No dysphoria anxiety just a nice day.
I started thinking maybe there's a difference between what I want and what I need to do.
I am sitting here asking myself do I really need to transition or am I just fooling myself? Is it just my selfish vanity or is it the air I must breath at some point of my life...did the day just sucker me into a false sense that I am ok or is it setting me up for another round of "dysphoria from hell". Oh my god I just want some peace!
Sorry way too much wine and too much of a pity party. Really sorry
Quote from: Emma1017 on September 22, 2018, 08:03:17 PM
Ok I just had a very happy "male" day. My wife and I had a great day just doing "stuff". No dysphoria anxiety just a nice day.
I started thinking maybe there's a difference between what I want and what I need to do.
I am sitting here asking myself do I really need to transition or am I just fooling myself? Is it just my selfish vanity or is it the air I must breath at some point of my life...did the day just sucker me into a false sense that I am ok or is it setting me up for another round of "dysphoria from hell". Oh my god I just want some peace!
Sorry way too much wine and too much of a pity party. Really sorry
Hi Emma, 23 September 2018
Have you seen a professional counselor? If not, you may be missing the answer you are seeking. If your counselor feels HRT is right for you, see an Endocrinologist. They can start you on HRT; if at some point if you feel it's not right you can stop; HRT is not permanent, you can stop it anytime. If at some point you feel transition is right for you, you can proceed to Feminization surgery.
You haven't said whether you have or have not seen a counselor, so I have to assume you haven't. If you haven't you need to see one soon. Don't waste valuable time by trying to figure it out on your own.
Best wishes to you on your journey, it can be the greatest adventure of your life.
Best Always, Love
Chris
Hey Chris:
Yes I am seeing a great therapist and she definitely has my back! I guess I am defending my "male" wall of denial with everything I've got. As you and everyone on this forum knows its a constant internal battle and none of the combatants play fair. Its a very nasty street fight with no holds barred.
I agree my next step is HRT. I am just really fighting accepting that reality.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Emma,
I have been following this discussion from the first post, and I know your fear/frustration of making this decision. I lived with my secret for 64 years! I built a career, happily married for 45 years, raised a family, prepared for my "golden years", and enjoy spending time with my 7 grandchildren. Many times the pain of keeping this secret nearly cost me my life! I never really knew what was wrong with me. Why I wanted to live my life as a woman. But when I was diagnosed with Cancer, I had to pursue my true inner self. I sought out a therapist that understood what it is to be TG. With the therapist's help, I explained to my wife what pain this secret has brought to me my whole life. I risked everything coming out to her. But it was so worth the risk! Our decision together for me to start HRT was such a relief. We both know what the physical effect "E" may have on my body. I look forward to these changes! I have always hated my hairy body. If my breasts grow, it will be a dream come true. However, I am 66 and already have enlarged breast from low T and being overweight. I will remain "in the closet" from all my family and friends. The decision to live your life as your true self can only be made by you. At this point, I'm going to try to maintain my role as a grandpa, and also spend time out as Joanne. It feels so natural or me when I'm out! This is my small reward from a lifetime of painful secrets. Who knows what my future may bring, but I don't have to feel the pain anymore! Good luck with your personal decision whatever it is. We all understand!
Hugs, Joanne
BTW, I am now cancer free!
Hooray, Emma, for being smart enough to turn to therapy when you felt crushed! And hooray for all that you learned during the past month! I love your considering, "maybe it really is me trying to communicate and I am a fool for fighting it."
I noticed that you also wrote, "if I transition I will hurt everyone in my life ... and destroy everything I have created in my life." As Tatiana reminded you, being trans is not your fault. I want to reassure you that even though it's not your fault, you have choices about the way that you transition, and when. If now isn't a good time for transitioning, then put it on the back burner. Wait until you feel stronger. Talk with your wife and therapist more about pros and cons and timing. In the meantime, do good things for yourself, and make sure that you * * * surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. * * * Look for the support that you need so you can enjoy transitioning. Build the social structure that you need so you can stop feeling alone. As far as I can see, these forums are a great place to find that support, and you're doing great connecting with it. I'm glad that you're here.
I wonder if you would find it possible some time to sit down in a very safe, comfortable place, and imagine how wonderful transitioning could be. Write down all of the wonderful results that you can imagine. Look back at LizK's and others' tremendous responses. Reach for the best-case scenarios, like when you wrote, "I believe I am married to a "warrior" but I need to do a better job enlisting her help." How could your transition help everyone who is important in your life? How could it strengthen everything that you have created in your life? Think about how you would like the most important people in your life to respond. Make it the best story ever. When you are exhausted, then start to think about the one little tiny baby step that you could take toward this wonderful goal, just like KatieP wrote. The teeniest, safest, easiest baby step. Then, give yourself plenty of time to complete it. I hope that this helps. I want you to move forward in peace, not at a frantic pace.
I feel your pain as you struggle with your trans-ness, especially as you wrote, "I still can't wrap my head around it. If I can't how can I expect others in my life to?" Unfortunately, that's part of your transition. It looks like your transition is happening, whether you like it or not, your drive is so strong. I cherish this. I think that who you were born to be is more sacred than who you might ever pretend to be. As Mari wrote, "If you are not yourself, then your wife either has lost you already or never really had you." I believe that who you were born to be is the one person whom you will be the most successful being.
I hope that you can find a way to shine brightly today as you! Best wishes...
Thank you Joanne and Moonflower. The support I have received from you both and from everyone else has been overwhelming.
It has helped me to begin to accept that I am trans and the fact that I am clearly not alone.
I am still processing and hope to find my "solution".
Thank you again.
Just a quick update. I set up an appointment with an endocrinologist today.
I am really scared but thank you all for the tremendous support you have given me to help me make this first step.
Wow, Emma, such a great update! That's cool :)
You'll be fine, and if you won't, you still have this nice place where you'll find support ;)
Thanks Alice.
Its taking a lot to not cancel the appointment. Lots of second thoughts. I am afraid of the slippery slope.
I also must bring my wife into this decision before the appointment.
I am so tired of hiding, to protect her and to protect me.
When is your appointment? I'm sure I'm not the only one here who wants to cheer you on. Remember, the first meeting doesn't have to result in immediate HRT, unless you're sure that you're ready for it.
Hi Moonflower:
My "a duh" moment. I thought I was going to the endocrinologist next next week but I just got a confirming email and I have to meet with a counselor first. One step at a time I guess.
Don't worry, you'll get what you want, just have some patience (well since you waited so long already guess it wouldn't be a problem ;) )
Its funny Alice.
There is a raging internal battle over "hurry up, its about time" versus "Stop, don't destroy what you have. Cancel the appointment".
If you have a sense of humor, there's a sitcom in here somewhere.
I know I am drink a lot more red wine....:)
QuoteIts funny Alice.
There is a raging internal battle over "hurry up, its about time" versus "Stop, don't destroy what you have. Cancel the appointment".
If you have a sense of humor, there's a sitcom in here somewhere.
Guess sense of humor is quite subjective stuff :) I'm just trying to cheer you up :)
QuoteI know I am drink a lot more red wine...
I bet less than I drunk last week :) Now I'm aiming my anger at alcohol otherwise I might get addiction >_<
Hi Alice:
You are totally cheering me up and I thank you for it. Given the extreme intensity of what we are going through I have to find a way to laugh to survive. It keeps my head from exploding.
Although I am using humor to keep my sanity, I agree with you that alcohol (wine) is absolutely not the solution!
Best wishes,
Emma
ok I feel I owe everyone a big update.
I celebrated my birthday yesterday by starting to take prescribed finasteride (still waiting for the appointment with the endocrinologist) and I had some one help me with my make up and outfit. We then went for a walk to my therapist. She immediately hugged me and said that it was so, so nice to see ME finally. I cried and smiled at the same time.
It is life changing. It absolutely confirmed who I am and I can't stop smiling.
Sadly, this did not include my wife but I intend to change that this week and do everything I can to keep us together. I now have the confidence to share with her what is real in my life and not some obsessive mental disorder that can be medicated.
I want to thank everyone for helping me purge the shame, embarrassment and loneliness I have felt until I finally started to share on this message board.
You are all unbelievable!
Major hugs,
Emma
Great news, Emma :) Hope it will be ok with your wife.
Happy birthday, btw :D I wish you best :D
Thanks Alice and thanks for all of your support.
Quote from: Emma1017 on October 18, 2018, 09:53:22 AM
ok I feel I owe everyone a big update.
I celebrated my birthday yesterday by starting to take prescribed finasteride (still waiting for the appointment with the endocrinologist) and I had some one help me with my make up and outfit. We then went for a walk to my therapist. She immediately hugged me and said that it was so, so nice to see ME finally. I cried and smiled at the same time.
"It is life changing. It absolutely confirmed who I am and I can't stop smiling."
Sadly, this did not include my wife but I intend to change that this week and do everything I can to keep us together. I now have the confidence to share with her what is real in my life and not some obsessive mental disorder that can be medicated.
I want to thank everyone for helping me purge the shame, embarrassment and loneliness I have felt until I finally started to share on this message board.
You are all unbelievable!
Major hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma
Its so great so see this update from you. You sound positively radiant and hope that is how you feel. Being able to be yourself can be incredibly inciteful experience. If you have been trying to work out who you are and where you fit in there is nothing quite like being able to be you.
"It is life changing. It absolutely confirmed who I am and I can't stop smiling." You are so right this is a life changing event...you will never be able to see yourself the same way ever again.
I am still together with my Wife and am really thankful for her ongoing and unwavering support. I can only say I hope you can keep your relationship going. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do and I hope you succeed.
I hope you are able to go from strength to strength. Oh and :icon_birthday:
take care
Liz
Hi Liz:
I had my therapist take a picture and I can't stop looking at it, it just feels right...and its still a little scary but I refuse to be afraid and the shame has disappeared.
Thank you so much.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on October 18, 2018, 09:53:22 AM
ok I feel I owe everyone a big update.
I celebrated my birthday yesterday by starting to take prescribed finasteride (still waiting for the appointment with the endocrinologist) and I had some one help me with my make up and outfit. We then went for a walk to my therapist. She immediately hugged me and said that it was so, so nice to see ME finally. I cried and smiled at the same time.
It is life changing. It absolutely confirmed who I am and I can't stop smiling.
Sadly, this did not include my wife but I intend to change that this week and do everything I can to keep us together. I now have the confidence to share with her what is real in my life and not some obsessive mental disorder that can be medicated.
I want to thank everyone for helping me purge the shame, embarrassment and loneliness I have felt until I finally started to share on this message board.
You are all unbelievable!
Major hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma, 20 October 2018
It's great to see you progressing; I do know once you are on HRT you will notice changes mentally and physically. Hopefully you will like having boobs popping out and the lowering of aggression. Aside from the aforementioned, one of HRT's benefits I noticed was the ability to pee normally after years of difficulty. Good luck young lady.
Best Always, Love
Christine
Ah Christine:
You always bring a smile :) I DO feel like I am making progress. It just feels right. Thank you for having my back.
Hugs,
Emma
I have an appointment with the endocrinologist this Thursday....holding my breath and questioning my commitment.
Transitioning is not for the faint-hearted but not transitioning is to choose a life of perpetual questioning and deep emotional pain. I don't think I am strong enough to pull that off.
I am hoping that HRT will give me enough relief to make the right decision going forward.
Thanks again for all of your support.
Hi Emma, I am coming a little late into this thread, and I am a lot older than you.
I did not really know that I was transgender when I was about your age, but I am also intersex, and my psychologist felt that I had my menopause at about this time ( I am biologically part female and part male). This trans thing, and the menopause, and a chronic pain situation made me very angry, and I destroyed my very happy marriage of almost 40 years. Looking back now, I would have given up any trans idea if I could have saved my marriage. I am alone since then, and feel very lonesome.
Yes, I have lots of friends, because becoming a woman made my emotions more gentle and people really love to be with me, but I am still lonesome. When the evening comes, everybody leaves me, and I am alone! I don't miss sex, but I miss cuddling in bed, having skin contact, hearing nice and freindly words, and feeling loving touches. I am alone and lonesome! Every night!
I am a woman, or at lest pretty much a woman, but I am a lonesome woman!
Because of my experience, I can only advise you to do everything you can to keep your marriage going, even if you have to give up to become a woman, because for me it was better to almost be a man but not be alone, than being a woman who is alone every night of the year!
Hi Dietlind:
I am very sorry for the loss you feel.
It is exactly that loss that I am trying to prevent. Before I go to the appointment I am having a full conversation with my wife. I need to bring my heart with me on this journey or I will cancel the appointment, delay the journey, and hope my wife can catch up. I have been processing this new role 24/7 for months and I need to find out where she is in all this.
I have been asking myself do I really need to do this before I pressed her further and I finally feel the answer is yes.
In the meantime the endocrinologist's office took weeks to schedule. I can wait a little longer.
Warm regards,
Emma
Emma, I wish you lot's of luck, and a way better outcome than I had!
Thank you Dietland and hope you find happiness and joy to fill the hole that you are living with.
I told my wife about the appointment with the endocrinologist. She and I are staying together and hugging.
Quote from: Emma1017 on October 29, 2018, 03:48:32 PM
I told my wife about the appointment with the endocrinologist. She and I are staying together and hugging.
Thank you Emma, and I hope your luck and sweet wife stays with you for ever. There is no better treatment for any problem than good and loving hugs!
Quote from: Emma1017 on October 29, 2018, 03:48:32 PM
I told my wife about the appointment with the endocrinologist. She and I are staying together and hugging.
@Emma1017 Dear Emma:This is wonderful news... keeping communication lines open with your wife is a key component in you and her coming to an amicable and happy understanding about your transition journey. Another thing I might suggest that if your gender therapist agrees, to have a joint couples counseling session where you and your wife, along with your therapist can discuss both of your concerns, issues and questions.
I will be eagerly following your thread for more of your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Hi Danielle:
Thanks for your thoughts. I want to get a more open and on-going dialogue with my wife first. I don't want her feeling ganged up on.
I want to go slowly for both our comfort. I am still not convinced that I will go for full transition but I explained to her that I am done with feeling any shame any further. She came over and hugged me.
It was a great feeling.
Warm hug back,
Emma
Thank you Dietlind. A big HUG to you.
Hooray for you and your wife! She sounds great! I hope she'll join conversations here.
Thanks Moonflower. She is great. Like everyone she is still trying to get her head around this.
I'm not sure she will join the conversations here but I am very glad she is part of my dialogues.
Warmest regards,
Emma
Ok I went to the endocrinologist appointment...my wife wished me luck....
I officially started HRT, patch and pill tonight!
Really not sure where this is going but at least I am giving Emma a chance.
Thanks all again for your hugs and support. I know this is only the beginning and there is a long way to go!
Massive hug,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 01, 2018, 07:41:32 PM
Ok I went to the endocrinologist appointment...my wife wished me luck....
I officially started HRT, patch and pill tonight!
Really not sure where this is going but at least I am giving Emma a chance.
Thanks all again for your hugs and support. I know this is only the beginning and there is a long way to go!
Massive hug,
Emma
congrats. I was also at the Edno today. I am supposed to use two patches, one on each arm, and am supposed to continue with my
<dosage removed by moderator> Finasteride.
I have to wait until I can start, because i get my meds through mail order, and estrogen is controlled substance and they cannot prescribe a typical 30 day supply for the over the counter pharmacy! You will have a head start by about a week or so. I wonder if you can feel any difference in that first week?
<No dosages please>
Hi Dietlind:
I was fortunate that the clinic had its own pharmacy. A lot less questions or questioning looks at my local pharmacy.
I plan to track any changes.
Warmest wishes,
Emma
To All:
I have started a journal and documented my starting baselines. I need to know what is actually affecting me personally versus all the information on the web.
If anyone has any ideas of what I should include in my journal as I start HRT, I would really appreciate it.
I am strapping in for this rollercoaster ride...
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 02, 2018, 07:44:49 AM
To All:
I have started a journal and documented my starting baselines. I need to know what is actually affecting me personally versus all the information on the web.
If anyone has any ideas of what I should include in my journal as I start HRT, I would really appreciate it.
I am strapping in for this rollercoaster ride...
Hugs,
Emma
Wow Emma HRT is actually happening! You wont be dissapointed. Generally there is a feeling of light euphoria right from the start - document that! Also I have never read a scientific article about the estrogen buzz but I bet as your estrogen receptors take up the HRT you will feel a physical sensation thats hard to describe. A sort of uplifting, tingling feeling of well being that also exists in your chest, skin and abdomen. You may find yourself smiling more & becoming more chatty than normal.
Interactions with friends, family & aquaintices will take on a different feel.
After 6 months the emotional aspect will really start to bite.
I would love to hear your experience!
Kindest regards , Kirsten.
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Emma, congratulations on starting HRT, and especially on overcoming your fears!
Thank you Kathy and Kirsten:
This is the first day after starting last night. I know its to early to feel the actual impact of the medications but I definitely feel the emotion.
I left the doctors office yesterday and mentally pushed myself to open the pill box. I took the pill right there on the street. It had an immediate emotional impact. I was finally doing it! There was a very personal sense of elation as I walked to the train to go home.
I have to admit that later I had a very guilty feeling of excitement when I applied the patch. I kept touching it to feel the realness of my decision.
I also feel the relief that I can still change my mind, hence starting the journal. I need to know that I am benefiting from this. I want to make sure that this is worth any further steps I may take and the damage I know I will be causing in my life, to get there.
Kirsten I will add "buzz" to the things I track. ;)
I don't want to make this the endless thread from hell if this is not the way this website operates but I am willing to keep posting on this thread if it is of any benefit to the group.
Please let me know what I should do.
Massive Hug,
Emma
I was at the Endo, too yesterday, and have a prescription for e patches. I have to wait until my mail order pharmacy gets it to me. I was concerned that the doc will ask a million questions to be able to justify estrogen. He hardly asked anything, he was more concerned wit my type II diabetes than with me wanting to be a woman!
I came out to three female friends yesterday, and they took me cloth shopping! It seems as if they are more excited than I am about me being their new girlfriend! Tomorrow they will take me shoe shopping and see if we can fiend a bra for me!
I found my environment being way more accepting me as a trans woman than I was afraid they would be! I have yet to encounter any negative feeling against it! Almost everybody I know and care about is excited to see me happy. When we checked out at the store for my girls stuf, the checkout person, an older woman looked a bit funny. One of my friends told her, we have a new woman with us here, and the check out lady was excited about it!
Wow Dietlind:
What incredible news! I am still very stealth to make sure that my wife can absorb the changes and stay with me.
I am jealous that you got to go shopping with other, accepting women. How great!
Best,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 02, 2018, 10:49:22 AM
Wow Dietlind:
What incredible news! I am still very stealth to make sure that my wife can absorb the changes and stay with me.
I am jealous that you got to go shopping with other, accepting women. How great!
Best,
Emma
But you have a wife instead. I would not mind at all swapping with you! I think I will never stop missing my wife!
good point...
Wow the second day of HRT! The emotional pleasure is something I have hoped for all my life but never thought I would ever achieve.
Thank you all for getting me here. I don't think I could have done it without you all!
With all my heart,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 03, 2018, 08:19:42 PM
Wow the second day of HRT! The emotional pleasure is something I have hoped for all my life but never thought I would ever achieve.
Thank you all for getting me here. I don't think I could have done it without you all!
With all my heart,
Emma
After only wo days already? And here I am sitting and am still waiting for mine to come! You are dancing on cloud 7 already, while I am still crouching through the mud. I think this is unfair!
But I got my ears pierced today and sport real nice rhinestone studs in them!
Good for you Dietland. I hope the earrings make you feel great!
Never a contest, each of us must celebrate what we can. We are fighting enough as it is. Enjoy.
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 04, 2018, 12:14:33 AM
Good for you Dietland. I hope the earrings make you feel great!
Never a contest, each of us must celebrate what we can. We are fighting enough as it is. Enjoy.
But once in a while it feels good to be a little grumpy, one has to find reasons for rewards (like ear studs) to get out of grumpiness!
I am getting really twitchy waiting for my E to come in!
I am learning the art of patience and I thought I was too old for zen. ;)
Ok I am really laughing at myself and all can join it on the joke.
Only 4 days on HRT, yes I said 4 days and all I am thinking about is "Breasts" (mine, of course). I feel like a kid waiting in July for Christmas.
I mean a serious moment of impatience.
The mature me says wait and see what happens in a year or two the other me is "what, wait how long????"
I going to need some new hobbies to get me through this!....maybe knitting. Anyone need a scarf?
Thanks for putting up with this rant,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 05, 2018, 01:15:08 PM
Ok I am really laughing at myself and all can join it on the joke.
Only 4 days on HRT, yes I said 4 days and all I am thinking about is "Breasts" (mine, of course). I feel like a kid waiting in July for Christmas.
I mean a serious moment of impatience.
The mature me says wait and see what happens in a year or two the other me is "what, wait how long????"
I going to need some new hobbies to get me through this!....maybe knitting. Anyone need a scarf?
Thanks for putting up with this rant,
Emma
Congratulations Emma!
Starting HRT is an amazing feeling! I two am waiting for some changes besides the feeling of joy to have started HRT. Right now, I'll take that and be happy. I have noticed that my skin is becoming less oily than it used to be. That is really the only physical change I have noticed so far.
Since I am realizing the amount of time this all takes, I believe you will end up with trunks full of scarves! Probably enough for everyone on Susan's!
I'm very happy for you!
Lacy
Agreed Lacy. Sweaters for everyone!
I got a big setback today. The insurance called me to tell me that none of the meds (diabetes and estrogen) is part of the formula, and that my copay would be about $1000 per month!!! Just for the diabetes med it is $850!! I think something is really wrong with the health care system. I have a Cadillac version of insurance, what shall low income people do?
anyway, I contacted the office of the doc and gave him the alternative meds the pharmacist of the insurance recommended. Now I have to wait until the new description is written and processed!
Trying to become a girl sometimes sucks!
Being transgender certainly toughens us up and the healthcare industry doesn't make anyone's life easier.
Hi Emma
I've been gone for a little while but it's really wonderful to come back to read about your progression.
Congratulations on your choice, which is certainly the biggest thing you could ever decide in your life.
I remember when you first entered this website and I'm so very happy for you where you're at now.
Be prepared for the powerful mental changes that are soon upon you.
I started 4 months today and can hardly believe the profound changes it's made to my life, and I believe you'll feel the same thing too.
Be patient it takes a little bit to get going but it won't be long until you'll be feeling tremendous relief with almost an unending smile on your face.
It's pretty much like all your hopes and dreams coming to fruition.
All the best love Tatiana
Wow Tatiana, thank you for sharing that with me.
I am 6 days on HRT and drumming my fingers in emotional impatience, which is a good sign. It means I made the right decision. The slow progress also gives me time to evaluate the decision but Emma has been held back for so long that she is ripping to get started.
Your support and that of everyone else helped make the difference.
Hugs and best wishes,
Emma
I will be the beginning for me. At two this afternoon I will be able to pick up the estrogen patches from my local Walgren's (they do not have then in stock). I get estradiol patches of which I am supposed to wear one for a weak each. I will continue to take the finasteride pills. I am supposed to come back in four weeks to have blood tests done.
The doc thought it would be best to wear the patch on the inside of my upper thigh, but he said it is my decission.
Is the upper thigh a good location? What do you ladies think?
I like the transdermal route (the skin patch technology was invented in our labs), because it is very gentle to the entire digestive system and allows for more even application of any medicine. Is it the most effective route to deliver estrogen?
Any opinion about this?
I was told anywhere below the navel where there is plenty of fat for the drug to be absorbed. I put it on my butt.
I put it on my stomach between my belly button and the top of my pants.
The patch is nice in that the hormone is absorbed through your fat, and doesn't have to be processed through your liver.
Thanks Emma and Real Lacy. I think I will put it on my stomach, my butt has not enough fat for anything.
It was exactly the idea to reduce organic burden when the people in our lab developed the patch and through skin absorbing idea. The medicine on the patch is mircro-encapsulated inside of micro beads, and this allows a time release of the medication.
Since this is a lifetime commitment, we'll have plenty of time moving the patch around to different parts of our body, particularly if the hormones start moving the fat around our body. ;)
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 08, 2018, 02:05:48 PM
Since this is a lifetime commitment, we'll have plenty of time moving the patch around to different parts of our body, particularly if the hormones start moving the fat around our body. ;)
Today was the day that the patch hit my fat for the first time ever!
Quote from: Dietlind on November 08, 2018, 11:51:49 PM
Today was the day that the patch hit my fat for the first time ever!
Hi Miss Kitty, 09 November 2018
Call them "Happy Patches" because if they do for you what they have helped do for me, you will become quite happy, even happier than you have ever been.
I just answered your post on another thread so I won't say much more here.
Best Always, Love
Chris
Ok I promised to give feedback on starting HRT.
It has been a full week. The only change was the excitement I felt taking the first pill and figuring out where to put the patch.
I am climatizing myself to the patience needed for progress over months and years versus minutes and days ;).
In the future I will only report significant progress so I don't bore everyone.
Warm hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 09, 2018, 12:07:20 PM
Ok I promised to give feedback on starting HRT.
It has been a full week. The only change was the excitement I felt taking the first pill and figuring out where to put the patch.
I am climatizing myself to the patience needed for progress over months and years versus minutes and days ;).
In the future I will only report significant progress so I don't bore everyone.
Warm hugs,
Emma
I just found that my insurance removed all patches from their formulary. Only estrodiol pills are on anymore.
Now my doc has to be convinced to prescribe pills!
What other pills are you taking?
I am taking finasteride for many years now, and just got estrogen added to this!
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 09, 2018, 12:07:20 PM
Ok I promised to give feedback on starting HRT.
It has been a full week. The only change was the excitement I felt taking the first pill and figuring out where to put the patch.
I am climatizing myself to the patience needed for progress over months and years versus minutes and days ;).
In the future I will only report significant progress so I don't bore everyone.
Warm hugs,
Emma
How do you find quality of sleep at this stage Emma?
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Hi Dietlind: I am taking spiro in pill form and the patch.
Hi Kirsten:
No real change in my sleep pattern.
I inherited restless leg syndrome from my Mom. I was tested for sleep apnea years ago. The technician registered 542 leg movements during the night. The doctor told me that in his 25 years he has never a legs move that much. Fortunately my wife and I share a king size bed. I actually REM sleep around it.
Still no changes physically but my wife and I have started to admit that there is the "elephant" in the room. Still lots of hugging and kissing so I will accept the important no verbal communications for what they are.
Hope everything is better for you.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 10, 2018, 05:27:20 PM
Hi Dietlind: I am taking spiro in pill form and the patch.
Hi Kirsten:
No real change in my sleep pattern.
I inherited restless leg syndrome from my Mom. I was tested for sleep apnea years ago. The technician registered 542 leg movements during the night. The doctor told me that in his 25 years he has never a legs move that much. Fortunately my wife and I share a king size bed. I actually REM sleep around it.
Still no changes physically but my wife and I have started to admit that there is the "elephant" in the room. Still lots of hugging and kissing so I will accept the important no verbal communications for what they are.
Hope everything is better for you.
Hugs,
Emma
You may find a better nights sleep as HRT starts to bite. I found the added peace & serenity of HRT allowed better sleep. HRT helps from a wholistic perspective I think.
Yours truly, Kirsten[emoji932]
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And yes I am doing very well thanks Emma.
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Hi Kirsten:
Aside from sleep I am looking to internal peace and affirmation that I have made the right choice. Admittedly, I am in a better mood and I hope, as you have experienced, that the HRT is working and making a difference.
Really glad all is well,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 11, 2018, 11:12:25 AM
Hi Kirsten:
Aside from sleep I am looking to internal peace and affirmation that I have made the right choice. Admittedly, I am in a better mood and I hope, as you have experienced, that the HRT is working and making a difference.
Really glad all is well,
Emma
Hi Emma, 11 November 2018
You will be fine. On the 13th of this month I will be post orchie 7 months and on the 27th will be on HRT 8 months. I'm happier than I have ever been, Special thanks to someone special, sleep and pee better. I wouldn't go back for anything. Only regret, I didn't do this years ago. Wishing you and everyone here a Happy and smooth transition.
Best Always, Love
Chris
Thanks Chris.
Its what I hope for. Really glad you are happy. You deserve it as do everyone on this site!
Hugs,
Emma
I have the patch on now for almost 4 days, and I feel nothing, not any change at all! As I said before, I am on the highest dose of finastride for about 6 years now, but I do not feel any mood changes or any other of the side effects from that one either, it just solved my problem of blood in the urine.
I wonder whether the entire medication stuff manifests itself different with intersex people?
The one thing I have heard over and over is "YMMV": "your mileage may vary".
Each of us is amazingly different and the effects are all over the place. You will only know when you know.
Ok I wasn't expecting cravings as part of HRT therapy. Came out of nowhere over the weekend but they are definitely cravings.
Thank God I have control and my weight is still going down. I am really picking my spots: popcorn, cheese and crackers and M&M peanuts...
Chicken and steak really appealed as well.
Did this happen to anyone else?
Other than that no changes other than the quiet peace that Kirsten talked about. I really needed that.
I also smile when I touch the patch to make sure it is still there :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 12, 2018, 12:53:13 PM
Ok I wasn't expecting cravings as part of HRT therapy. Came out of nowhere over the weekend but they are definitely cravings.
Thank God I have control and my weight is still going down. I am really picking my spots: popcorn, cheese and crackers and M&M peanuts...
Chicken and steak really appealed as well.
Did this happen to anyone else?
Other than that no changes other than the quiet peace that Kirsten talked about. I really needed that.
I also smile when I touch the patch to make sure it is still there :)
Dill pickles and olives to excess! Also loving the salt and vinegar chips in moderation!
Lacy
It's a funny sensation. I never had cravings like this before.
Are you girls sure that you are not pregnant? ??? The carvings seem to indicate that! ;D >:-)
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 12, 2018, 12:53:13 PM
Ok I wasn't expecting cravings as part of HRT therapy. Came out of nowhere over the weekend but they are definitely cravings.
Thank God I have control and my weight is still going down. I am really picking my spots: popcorn, cheese and crackers and M&M peanuts...
Chicken and steak really appealed as well.
Did this happen to anyone else?
Other than that no changes other than the quiet peace that Kirsten talked about. I really needed that.
I also smile when I touch the patch to make sure it is still there :)
Hi Emma
your post made me think about my first HRT appointment lol
Me to my HRT Dr as she wrote out my first scrip
"What side effects should I expect from this Oestrogen"
She replied somewhat bemused
"about 3 kgs"
It was more like 10kgs not 3kgs [emoji23][emoji23]
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Jeez I hope I'm not pregnant. It's not like passing a kidney stone! Ouch!
Sorry Dietlind, I can't explain it but the craving does remind me of when my wife was pregnant. I am not telling her because she will enjoy the irony.
What's next, cramps? That would absolutely make her laugh!
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 12, 2018, 02:42:20 PM
Jeez I hope I'm not pregnant. It's not like passing a kidney stone! Ouch!
Sorry Dietlind, I can't explain it but the craving does remind me of when my wife was pregnant. I am not telling her because she will enjoy the irony.
What's next, cramps? That would absolutely make her laugh!
All three times my wife was pregnant, she had very mild cravings. I ended up with Couvade syndrome. I had all sorts of wild and crazy cravings at all hours of the night and day!
The unfortunate thing is, she has lost all her pregnancy weight and I am still holding onto mine!
Shedding it slowly but surely,
Lacy
Quote from: Dietlind on November 11, 2018, 08:01:25 PM
I have the patch on now for almost 4 days, and I feel nothing, not any change at all! As I said before, I am on the highest dose of finastride for about 6 years now, but I do not feel any mood changes or any other of the side effects from that one either, it just solved my problem of blood in the urine.
I wonder whether the entire medication stuff manifests itself different with intersex people?
Hi Miss Kitty, 13 November 2018
I was taking Flomax for my enlarged prostate. You mentioned taking Finasteride for about 6 years now. I'm assuming you have either hair loss or an enlarged prostate. I was on estradiol patches four days and I no longer needed Flomax; I was peeing normally for the first time in over 20 years.
I never felt a sudden change from estradiol other than the ability to pee better. As time went on I found myself mellowing out, becoming less judgmental, more emotional and happier. Once the orchie was done, I felt less aggressive and no longer on edge.
Wishing you all the best on your journey; I'm really enjoying mine, especially since a special Lady has come into my life.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, your family, friends and all the folks here at Susan's Place.
Best Always, Love
Chris
Quote from: christinej78 on November 13, 2018, 01:42:21 AM
Hi Miss Kitty, 13 November 2018
I was taking Flomax for my enlarged prostate. You mentioned taking Finasteride for about 6 years now. I'm assuming you have either hair loss or an enlarged prostate. I was on estradiol patches four days and I no longer needed Flomax; I was peeing normally for the first time in over 20 years.
I never felt a sudden change from estradiol other than the ability to pee better. As time went on I found myself mellowing out, becoming less judgmental, more emotional and happier. Once the orchie was done, I felt less aggressive and no longer on edge.
Wishing you all the best on your journey; I'm really enjoying mine, especially since a special Lady has come into my life.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, your family, friends and all the folks here at Susan's Place.
Best Always, Love
Chris
Hi Chris,
The reason that I take Finasteride is not really because of an enlarged prostate, and definitely not because of hair loss. I am intersex, and do not loose hair (at least not anything more than an average cis woman of my age).
I have a medical condition in which my normal sized prostate pushed on two feines inside my bladder, and causes them to leak blood into the bladder. By reducing the size of my prostate, this pressure is removed and the leaking of blood stops. I never ever had the typical urinating problems of "normal" men,. This might also be because of my intersex condition????
In some medical/biological areas, intersex people are a little different of normal cis people, and our body behaves a little different (like growing boobs without extra estrogen). Even the removal of my testicles might still require me to take Finasteride, because my prostate needs to be kept as little as possible. I was told that I need to take this medication for the rest of my life.
Because of the fact that my body has always been semi feminin, i. e., no body hair, no Adams Apple, soft skin, etc., I do not have those "normal" check points a transgender MtF has, to see how estrogen changes his/her body. But yet, I consider myself to be transgender, because I want to shed that male thing that was assigned to me at birth and want to allow my female side to come out.
That is the reason why I wonder, what estrogen will do to me. I can't judge boob growth, because that is happening already. What will be happening to me?
Thank you for your wishes, and I hope your journey will continue to be great! I have already lot's of fun on mine, because now I can shop for a whole new wardrobe again! (I always loved to by clothing and shoes - that intersex thing again????)
Fortunately I have had some control over the cravings. I have lost 35 pounds over the last 10 months and I am going to defend that effort!
Using M&M peanuts for control.
It sounds like the cravings stop after a few days.
Just had my psychologist hour this morning. I asked her about those carvings, and she laughed and said that is so normal. Everyone of her patients early on estrogen seems to have those. It seems as if our body really believes we are pregnant!
Now we just have to think about a name for our imaginary babies!
Hi Folks, 13 November 2018
Cravings, I know what they are; have had them most of my life. So I guess that means I have been pregnant 73 of the 78 orbits I have made around the Sun.
Glad you all decided to discuss the subject; if you hadn't, I'd still be wondering ...... and eating junk food. With all that in mind, for B-fast I had a banana, bowl of cooked oats w/raisins, a glass of OJ (thank you Dear) and my usual combination of supplements.
I feel so healthy and good I am going to treat myself to a chocolate-chip cookie I baked a couple of days back and placed in the freezer for safe keeping and long term storage. Now, with super self control, I'm going retrieve one of those cookies and the package it's in.
I'll sit here at my desk, freezing my butt(no heat), slowly removing the cookie I had in mind from its package. I'll eat that cookie slowly while sipping hot chocolate w/oodles of whipped cream, savoring each morsel of said cookie. When that cookie has been consumed I'm going to exercise extreme self control and EAT EVERY LAST COOKIE in the bag.
Best Always, Love
Chris
Hi Folks, 13 November 2018
Rethought my last comment: ".....EAT EVERY LAST COOKIE in the bag." The Love of my Life and common sense prevailed; last check. all cookies are intact and where they are supposed to be: "In the freezer."
Enjoy your cravings, just don't let them get out of hand like I do.
Best Always, Love
Chris
Pregnant? Great.
I am not sharing that with my wife. She will think that hysterical. Actually I think its pretty funny too!
We need to laugh more!
God knows we deal with enough stuff.
Ok my avatar is the photo taken on my last birthday a week before I started HRT. I have been afraid to post it.
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 14, 2018, 07:26:50 PM
Ok my avatar is the photo taken on my last birthday a week before I started HRT. I have been afraid to post it.
You look pretty darn good to me! Just the right body to be pregnant!
Are you saying that the outfit makes me look fat:)
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 15, 2018, 06:20:01 AM
Are you saying that the outfit makes me look fat:)
It is a lovely outfit accented by very cute shoes!
Lacy
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 15, 2018, 06:20:01 AM
Are you saying that the outfit makes me look fat:)
Not at all. But you look feminin enough to make anybody belief that you could get pregnant!
Thanks Dietlind. That makes me feel better. I'll pass on getting pregnant though.
Thanks Lacy. I really felt very comfortable in that outfit and I also really liked the shoes.
I got a very strong suggestion to not put my photo up until I officially come out. Its too early for me to make it official and there is a good chance that I might be recognized.
Its a tough world we live in.
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 15, 2018, 01:17:24 PM
I got a very strong suggestion to not put my photo up until I officially come out. Its too early for me to make it official and there is a good chance that I might be recognized.
Its a tough world we live in.
That is the reason that I hat the cat as avatar. However, it is very liberating to be out to the world. Today I was a a Thanksgiving luncheon of the regional senior center, and I went in female mode. Everybody i talked to was excited (and they were all over 55) that i finally can be who I was meant to be. Even the older men thought it was great (probably in the hope to have another "chic" they can hit on???).
I decided not to care anymore if somebody will mis-gender me, I correct them politely and move on! Finally I can be who I am, and I know that I am a woman. Nobody in the world knows this better than I do, and I will not allow them to talk me down!
Good for you Dietlind. Great news
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 15, 2018, 07:58:46 PM
Good for you Dietlind. Great news
Thank you! I am now a week on the estrogen patch, but to be honest, I feel nothing except the thirst and the desire to eat pickled food.
Or could it be that it boosted my confidence and allows me to take everything easier? I don't have any of the feelings you girls describe. Could it really be that it reacts with my intersex body different than with the bodies of originally cis people?
The common answer is YMMV: "your mileage may vary".
Everyone's body responds differently.
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 16, 2018, 12:06:09 PM
The common answer is YMMV: "your mileage may vary".
Everyone's body responds differently.
It looks like as if I am getting a long stretch on E, without realizing that I am on it!
I just put my second one week patch on!
Quote from: Dietlind on November 16, 2018, 12:20:13 PM
It looks like as if I am getting a long stretch on E, without realizing that I am on it!
I just put my second one week patch on!
Hi Dietlind, 16 Nov 2018
I noticed after four days on the patches that I could pee like I did 20 years ago. The rest of the changes have been slow: Calmness, being happier, smiling more, BOOBs (don't want to forget them) lack of aggression, lack of libido (at 78 who needs it) and more emotional.
Rather than use AAs I had my orchiectomy about 16 days after starting HRT sans spiro / AAs. My only regret is that I didn't do this 20 or 30 years ago.
I'm not a expert, just an "exspurt;" I believe everyone reacts to HRT in their own way. Just sit back and enjoy the transformation. Oh yeah, I like myself better because I'm no longer on edge.
Best Always, Love
Christine
Quote from: christinej78 on November 16, 2018, 05:59:42 PM
Hi Dietlind, 16 Nov 2018
I noticed after four days on the patches that I could pee like I did 20 years ago. The rest of the changes have been slow: Calmness, being happier, smiling more, BOOBs (don't want to forget them) lack of aggression, lack of libido (at 78 who needs it) and more emotional.
Rather than use AAs I had my orchiectomy about 16 days after starting HRT sans spiro / AAs. My only regret is that I didn't do this 20 or 30 years ago.
I'm not a expert, just an "exspurt;" I believe everyone reacts to HRT in their own way. Just sit back and enjoy the transformation. Oh yeah, I like myself better because I'm no longer on edge.
Best Always, Love
Christine
Hi Chris
Most of the reactions you got from the patches came to me naturally. My boobs started to grow about 2 years ago, I had never ever problems with peeing, and lack of aggression started to set in about 10 or so years ago. don't forget that I am intersex, and a lot of the stuff is just the way my body developed.
To elaborate a little on the hurting theme, I had my first laser hair removal today. I was not bad at all. I have two more sessions scheduled, one month apart each. Once that is done they said they will do a patchwork touch-up with electrolysis.
On Monday I am scheduled to get my face treated with microneedeling. After that all my small wrinkles should be gone for good.
If just my stupid hair would grow faster, because I hate to wear a wig!
Based on HRT experiences I have read, it can either have a calming effect or it can be a second emotional dance with puberty.
Is it either or both?
What experience have others had?
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 17, 2018, 01:54:30 PM
Based on HRT experiences I have read, it can either have a calming effect or it can be a second emotional dance with puberty.
Is it either or both?
What experience have others had?
I still wonder what it does to me. The only real result I found last night was blistering skin at the location the patch was. I don't think that this is a planned result with my HRT!
I think my pregnancy feeling is mostly over, nothing else is felt currently!
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 17, 2018, 01:54:30 PM
Based on HRT experiences I have read, it can either have a calming effect or it can be a second emotional dance with puberty.
Is it either or both?
What experience have others had?
Hi Emma,
HRT, and I can only speak for me, calmed my dysphoria but also, after a while, put me in touch with my emotions. I have often used the analogy that before HRT my emotions were like a black and white TV. After being on HRT for a while, my emotions were like color TV. It was a slow process though and at times I thought nothing was happening. Then one day, you realize how different you have become. Over the years, it has varied in intensity. I guess you get used to the emotions more. Now I just feel like me. Of course that is a me that sees an emotional event (like on TV) and absorbs it like osmosis. I might describe it as an incredibly slow ton of bricks falling on you, like if it took 6 months to fall.
Moni
Hi Dietlind, like your attitude on the misgendering thing.
Thanks Moni!
As I go through this process I am trying to recognize what was me and what changes are occurring to me. Its a tough mix of emotions, psychology, the physical, subtle change and no real change at all.
I want to make sure I am real honest with myself.
Emma
Quote from: HappyMoni on November 17, 2018, 03:18:23 PM
Hi Emma,
HRT, and I can only speak for me, calmed my dysphoria but also, after a while, put me in touch with my emotions. I have often used the analogy that before HRT my emotions were like a black and white TV. After being on HRT for a while, my emotions were like color TV. It was a slow process though and at times I thought nothing was happening. Then one day, you realize how different you have become. Over the years, it has varied in intensity. I guess you get used to the emotions more. Now I just feel like me. Of course that is a me that sees an emotional event (like on TV) and absorbs it like osmosis. I might describe it as an incredibly slow ton of bricks falling on you, like if it took 6 months to fall.
Moni
Hi Dietlind, like your attitude on the misgendering thing.
It was very much like this for me too. In the first 12 months the gentle yet relentless march of estrogen has a progressive/ compounding effect.
Kirsten x.
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 31, 2018, 07:21:28 AM
Thank you all for your responses. I haven't figured out how to private message. I wanted to share what I have learned so far. Let me know if I missed anything:
1. It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2. It is not a choice. It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3. The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older. It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4. The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5. Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast. Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand. In most instances they do the complete opposite.
6. Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7. You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.
8. On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weigh of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn't choose.
9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life.
10. When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.
Emma, I have recently joined the forum. I Can relate so much with what you have written. I especially enjoyed the above quote because it speaks so much to my life these many years. I do wish the best for you as you take each step of your journey. Hugs from Marsha
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 17, 2018, 05:59:08 PM
Thanks Moni!
As I go through this process I am trying to recognize what was me and what changes are occurring to me. Its a tough mix of emotions, psychology, the physical, subtle change and no real change at all.
I want to make sure I am real honest with myself.
Emma
This makes it so really hard for me to determine, what estrogen is doing for/to me. All the changes you all describe, were happening to me over the last 15 to 10 years, with biological changes real evident for 2 - 3 years now.
The only real difference I felt was the carving for sour/salty stuff and a relentless thirst. The carvings are over now, the thirst is going down a bit.
I am really confused, because I am now over a week on the patch, and can't recognize any real effect! What is the stuff doing to me? Anything?
I envy you all for the milestones you can mark off, my only milestones are skin blisters at the patch site!
Quote from: Dietlind on November 17, 2018, 10:25:50 PM
I am really confused, because I am now over a week on the patch, and can't recognize any real effect! What is the stuff doing to me? Anything?
Perhaps hard to hear, but patience is needed in this process. Genetic women start estrogen about 13, and aren't mostly mature for 5 years, and they have no competing hormones. Let it ride for 6 or 8 months and see if you notice anything. Then a year from now, tell us what you feel. It will be different. There is no easy button, nor is there a fast forward button.
Kate
Quote from: KatieP on November 18, 2018, 12:35:18 AM
Perhaps hard to hear, but patience is needed in this process. Genetic women start estrogen about 13, and aren't mostly mature for 5 years, and they have no competing hormones. Let it ride for 6 or 8 months and see if you notice anything. Then a year from now, tell us what you feel. It will be different. There is no easy button, nor is there a fast forward button.
Kate
I understand. My problem is that I am partially a genetic woman (intersex), and the identification markers, most feel after several months of HRT, are already present with me (no hair loss, extremely reduced size of genitals, breast growth). I just don't know how to measure the effects of estrogen with my specific makeup. What can a person like I expect, gigantic breasts or something like this?
I mean if former cis people get breasts with D cup measures, what will I get who starts out with almost a B cup? My body is slowly transitioning for about 15 years now. All the emotional changes are there already, almost all the physical changes are in progress without any extra estrogen. And that is my question, what would additional estrogen do with my body? Changing it faster, or what else could happen. I wish it would grow my hair faster, but I might wish for that forever, it will grow 1/2" per month, with or without estrogen (I think).
Hi Marsha. Thanks for your warm wishes and I wish you the same. I updated #9:
9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you may have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.
Kirsten thanks always for your thoughts.
Katie, I agree that this process takes patience but wow, that's tough after waiting all these years!
Hugs all,
Emma
Quote from: Dietlind on November 18, 2018, 01:05:07 AM
What can a person like I expect, gigantic breasts or something like this?
I mean if former cis people get breasts with D cup measures, what will I get who starts out with almost a B cup? My body is slowly transitioning for about 15 years now. All the emotional changes are there already, almost all the physical changes are in progress without any extra estrogen. And that is my question, what would additional estrogen do with my body?
What can a person like you expect? So, I am not a doctor and all that. I don't know, and probably not many here do. I presume your own doctor would have given you some idea on that.
And, not nearly your situation, but I have some experience with long-term estrogen exposure, stopping, and then starting. Perhaps it gives one data point:
I was on some form of estrogen for about 30 years. When I turned 60, my GP said, "No mas" and also reminded me that cis women stop producing estrogen at some point, and they do not lose their womanhood in doing so. So, I thought I would see how it went. Physically, I noticed very little. But mentally, after 3 or 4 months, I just did not feel like me. Hoping to go back on estrogen, I went back to the GP, who said essentially, go see an endocrinologist. That took a while, but about 10 months after stopping, I was back on estrogen. I noticed almost no physical changes at that point. But again, after about 3 months, I started to feel more like me. Every month, I feel a bit more like me. It's been more than a year back on estrogen, and again, almost no discernable physical changes from 2 years ago when I had been on estrogen for 30 years.
So, what will your changes be? If you have been slowly physically transitioning over the last 15 years, I expect you won't see many differences at all. After 30 years on E, on or off E, physically, I was very close to the same. Maybe this happens to you too. However, whatever the change, especially with physical changes, they will happen very slowly.
Kate
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 18, 2018, 12:15:03 PM
Hi Marsha. Thanks for your warm wishes and I wish you the same. I updated #9:
9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you may have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.
Emma, thanks so much for the updated version of #9. I wish my wife will have the heart of a warrior in fighting with me, but I believe it will be completely against me as Marsha. I am so glad to see the progress you are making! Hugs from Marsha
Hi Marsha:
It feels like we are forced to walk a path of broken emotional glass. I have learned from others here that once you accept who you are and draw strength from that knowledge, there is a chance that you can find some peace and hopefully acceptance from others.
It is worth the chance.
There are those who can't follow you on your very personal journey but you must hope that you will find those that will join you. I believe that this forum is proof that we are not alone and that, if we have the strength and courage, we will find the support we deserve.
Best wishes and hug to you,
Emma
Quote from: KatieP on November 18, 2018, 03:21:01 PM
So, what will your changes be? If you have been slowly physically transitioning over the last 15 years, I expect you won't see many differences at all. After 30 years on E, on or off E, physically, I was very close to the same. Maybe this happens to you too. However, whatever the change, especially with physical changes, they will happen very slowly.
Kate
Thank you! Your example might give me the closest idea possible! I do hope that estrogen makes my breasts growing a little faster, because with the rate they are currently growing, I might need another 15 or 20 years until I reach a C cup (my hoped for goal size).
I think nobody can really reliable project, how hormones influence individual biological systems (like people), it just would be nice if I would find some progress markers like others can.
Quote from: Dietlind on November 18, 2018, 10:38:16 PM
until I reach a C cup (my hoped for goal size).
Save up for breast augmentation. In 2 years, if you still want bigger boobs, spend your savings... ;D
Kate
Quote from: KatieP on November 18, 2018, 10:40:11 PM
Save up for breast augmentation. In 2 years, if you still want bigger boobs, spend your savings... ;D
Kate
I used to have a set of implants on my desk used as paper weights. I still might have them sitting in my garage next to the old oil >:-).
I probably could clean them up nicely, and use them for my implants. I might even be able to assist the surgeon, and could get a price break??? ??? ???
Quote from: Dietlind on November 18, 2018, 10:50:56 PM
I used to have a set of implants on my desk used as paper weights. I still might have them sitting in my garage next to the old oil >:-).
I probably could clean them up nicely, and use them for my implants. I might even be able to assist the surgeon, and could get a price break??? ??? ???
Having not had BA surgery, I am not certain. But I don't think the major costs of BA surgery are the implants themselves...
;D
Plus, there is the consultation with the surgeon to talk of how large you want to be after surgery...
Kate
Thanks Emma for all that you're sharing here. It helps my SO and me to prepare for when she begins HRT. I appreciate any pointers for us SOs who want to be ultimate supporters. What has your wife done that you appreciate? What more would you like her to do?
Thanks everyone here for being so encouraging.
Hi Moonflower:
I selfishly wish she could accept me as I really am and that is a lot to ask for. Right now I enjoy her love but I know that she hopes that HRT will be enough for me.
Part of me wants that too but there is a part of me that has wanted to go shoe shopping with her and trying on dresses and playing with make up and to sit around girlfriends and feel their acceptance.
Totally selfish. Its a hope that I would love to occur but I appreciate how difficult it is to realize.
In fairness to my wife I intend to patiently find what I need for us both to be happy.
Wishing you love and strength on your path,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 18, 2018, 05:17:02 PM
Hi Marsha:
It feels like we are forced to walk a path of broken emotional glass. I have learned from others here that once you accept who you are and draw strength from that knowledge, there is a chance that you can find some peace and hopefully acceptance from others.
It is worth the chance.
There are those who can't follow you on your very personal journey but you must hope that you will find those that will join you. I believe that this forum is proof that we are not alone and that, if we have the strength and courage, we will find the support we deserve.
Best wishes and hug to you,
Emma
Dear Emma,
Thanks so very much to responding to my post here. Your words are quite wise about our journey. It can be a lonely and confusing journey, but there are friends along the way that are so very helpful and encouraging. You and many others here are such people. It is nice that we can help each other in the journey. Hugs from Marsha
Glad it helped Marsha. I learned from others here. Hugs, Emma
Hey Emma,
as a side note in your HRT journey- has your sense of smell altered in any way. I personally found once the mansweat goes away other people become much more noticeable with respect to smell.
Yours truly, Kirsten.
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on November 19, 2018, 07:13:57 PM
Hey Emma,
as a side note in your HRT journey- has your sense of smell altered in any way. I personally found once the mansweat goes away other people become much more noticeable with respect to smell.
Yours truly, Kirsten.
I am not Emma, but I have a question. What do you mean with mansweat? Is that your own sweat? Does that smell different that sweat of a female? Did it smell different than your current sweat?
I never did sweat much (my main sweat area is the rear of my head). I did not really sweat under my arms, and still do not sweat much there. The smell of my sweat has never changed (another intersex thing??????)
I wish I would be able to define any markers between pre HRT and during HRT, but nothing at all has changed for me!
Quote from: Dietlind on November 19, 2018, 09:41:56 PM
I am not Emma, but I have a question. What do you mean with mansweat? Is that your own sweat? Does that smell different that sweat of a female? Did it smell different than your current sweat?
I never did sweat much (my main sweat area is the rear of my head). I did not really sweat under my arms, and still do not sweat much there. The smell of my sweat has never changed (another intersex thing??????)
I wish I would be able to define any markers between pre HRT and during HRT, but nothing at all has changed for me!
Yes Dietlind the mansweat is biological male sweat when an individual is running on the standard level of natural male androgens.
Men have a distinctive smell that women do not.
When one starts MTF HRT androgen levels fall into the average female range- the male sweat smell stops. This scenario in combination with female levels of estrogen means other peoples smell becomes much more obvious.
On MTF HRT the sense of smell in general becomes more acute.
Kirsten[emoji105][emoji104][emoji103]
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Sorry I may have misunterstood the question but - yes thats how it was for me.
Was your previous androgen level high?
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Hi Kirsten:
Mansweat was never really been an issue for me and I haven't noticed any new sense of smell.
This is still my first month on HRT. The only things I have noticed so far is a drop in libido and an increase in fatigue.
It may not even be the HRT. I may just have a cold (I have had a slight runny nose for the last week).
My HRT experience so far feels like a being a kid three months away from Christmas, I just got the toy catalog but still no toys.
The one thing that has been noticeable has been my craving for egg sandwiches but with no noticeable weight gain...yay.
Warm regards,
Emma
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on November 20, 2018, 02:51:03 AM
Sorry I may have misunterstood the question but - yes thats how it was for me.
Was your previous androgen level high?
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
I don't think so, because I am slowly transitioning for about 15 years now (or better my body decided to do that), and I take the highest possible dose of finasteride for about 6 years now.
That may be the reason that I do not sense any different sweat smell on me ?
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 19, 2018, 03:50:38 PM
Hi Moonflower:
I selfishly wish she could accept me as I really am and that is a lot to ask for.
I couldn't disagree more! First, you must accept yourself, and what you want, so I've heard. What do you think?
Quote
Right now I enjoy her love but I know that she hopes that HRT will be enough for me.
How do you feel about committing to nothing more than HRT right now, at this moment? Or taking one step at a time? Or... It's got to be tough, weighing the driving urge to be who you are against all that you might lose if you are who you are. I've been there, done that, and it happened to work out really well. I understand the struggle to allow one's inner self to release; to become unable to live up to others' expectations and demands, and to let one's life become entirely shattered. In my case, I'm so glad that the tsunami-strength wave of events forced me into it. The disruption worked out better than any fairy tale.
But back to what you want, vs what you have now at this moment:
Quote
Part of me wants that too but there is a part of me that has wanted to go shoe shopping with her and trying on dresses and playing with make up and to sit around girlfriends and feel their acceptance.
Totally selfish. Its a hope that I would love to occur but I appreciate how difficult it is to realize.
I feel your yearning for such warm, fuzzy, fantastic experiences. I feel great sadness that your wife isn't ready to do these things. I wish that she could see how my spouse and I interact, so she could see how much fun we're having discovering and enlivening the woman who has been hiding.
Quote
In fairness to my wife I intend to patiently find what I need for us both to be happy.
I wonder if this is the key to the whole mess: you patiently finding what you both need so you can both be happy. What could be better than that? I must admit that sometimes when I think that my spouse (@BlueStar) doesn't want something that I really want, I state simply something like, "so, I understand that you don't want me to (insert whatever)." I'm stunned when she almost always expresses her support, when put on the spot like that. For her, supporting me is more important than her objections. That has been an incredible discovery, but I realize now that I should never expect less.
Quote
Wishing you love and strength on your path,
Emma
You too, dear Emma! Thanks for sharing your path with us here.
Hi Moonflower:
I absolutely agree with you that I must accept myself before I can expect anyone else to accept me. That has been my path on this long thread.
I guess what I was saying is that my wife and I are still processing what is a very difficult thing to understand. The fact that we are still together is proof of the depth of our love and strength of our relationship.
Like every long term relationship, there has to be flex on both sides to sustain the relationship.
I am willing to be patient and maybe HRT will be enough for me and she is willing to talk and listen and hug me.
As I wrote earlier: "My HRT experience so far feels like a being a kid three months away from Christmas, I just got the toy catalog but still no toys."
I can only hope that my wife will enjoy playing with the "toys" together with me some day as you and your spouse are doing.
Thanks for your thoughts,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on November 20, 2018, 11:32:52 AM
Hi Moonflower:
I guess what I was saying is that my wife and I are still processing what is a very difficult thing to understand. The fact that we are still together is proof of the depth of our love and strength of our relationship.
Such a great state to celebrate!
Thank you Moonflower
Ok I just did my one month refill on my HRT and I have my first follow up doctor visit next week.
Nothing new to report. Still have food craving and I urinate more frequently but I read that spiro makes you crave salt and increases urination so no surprise.
My female desire seems stable with an occasional spike.
Emotionally I really want breasts and I wish my hair would grow back but I accept that will be limited even a year from now...sigh.
My wife and I are still processing but I feel like our kisses and hugs are really tender. I really love that.
Thanks for the ongoing support... you are all the best!
Hugs,
Emma
My update is that I am now almost done with week three, and still feel nothing. I was at the psychologist today, and she wrote a letter to the endocrinologist to increase my estrogen dose and add Spiro to it. She feels that Finasteride alone is not enough.
I wish you continuous good luck with your relation with your wife!
Thanks Dietlind
Quote from: Dietlind on November 27, 2018, 06:47:04 PM
My update is that I am now almost done with week three, and still feel nothing. I was at the psychologist today, and she wrote a letter to the endocrinologist to increase my estrogen dose and add Spiro to it. She feels that Finasteride alone is not enough.
I wish you continuous good luck with your relation with your wife!
[/quote
Emma, I can't believe it has been a month for you already!! Congrats! My appointment with the endocrinologist is next Thursday. I have asked my wife to go with me to better understand what may happen to me. Were you scared prior to your fist visit? ]
Hi Joanne:
Yes I almost cancelled a bunch of times. Sitting in the waiting room I was screaming in my head "why am I here" but I stayed. As the doctor interviewed me I understood why I was there.
I actually started the pills as I walked out of the office. It felt great!!! It was exciting to just do something positive.
A month later I am still afraid. Its still all of the "unknowns" in front of me. I also feel tremendous relief and a new sense of happiness.
Each of us walks a different path but I am glad that others have shared their map.
I wish you the best,
Emma
Thanks Emma!
Hey Joanne:
Just did my first month check up. It felt less intimidating. They checked my blood and everything is ok. I was told to make an appointment in 4 months.
No physical changes but definitely in a better mood.
The good thing about HRT is that you can change your mind. I am still debating about whether I will go for full transition or just stay with HRT. I have plenty of time to figure it out.
Best of luck,
Emma
@Emma1017 Dear Emma:Thank you for posting your ONE MONTH update regarding your checkup and good blood test results.
Yes, from now on, it does get
a lot less intimidating each time you see your Endo.
At one month into your HRT it is a little early to see or feel too many changes other than some breast tenderness perhaps. By the time you have your next check up after 4 more months of HRT you might be having more significant changes and they should be coming at a faster pace.
This is all very exciting for you I am sure....
I will be eagerly following your updates to check up on you.
Hugs and well wishes,
DanielleQuote from: Emma1017 on December 05, 2018, 08:34:34 PM
Hey Joanne:
Just did my first month check up. It felt less intimidating. They checked my blood and everything is ok. I was told to make an appointment in 4 months.
No physical changes but definitely in a better mood.
The good thing about HRT is that you can change your mind. I am still debating about whether I will go for full transition or just stay with HRT. I have plenty of time to figure it out.
Best of luck,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on December 05, 2018, 08:34:34 PM
Hey Joanne:
Just did my first month check up. It felt less intimidating. They checked my blood and everything is ok. I was told to make an appointment in 4 months.
No physical changes but definitely in a better mood.
The good thing about HRT is that you can change your mind. I am still debating about whether I will go for full transition or just stay with HRT. I have plenty of time to figure it out.
Best of luck,
Emma
If you do not see any physical changes, I don't need to be concerned either. But I do not feel any mood changes either, but I am moving towards the female side for the last 15 years already. I might be there already concerning any mood changes, who knows?
I will go all the way, because I want my original body back!
Hi Dietlind:
Everyone's chemistry is different. All that is important is that you are making progress!
Good luck as you move forward,
Emma
Hi Danielle:
You and everyone here have helped me tremendously to begin to conquer those fears, so my continued thanks.
I am really happy just to be happy again. I can be patient with everything else, including my wife's understanding.
After following your thread I am ready to move to a small town in Alaska!
Big hugs back,
Emma
I'm curious if anyone has started HRT who really felt they were trans or had gender dysphoria and absolutely knew after starting that HRT was not the solution for them.
I love the perkiness that I now feel but I want to know that I am on the right path and not just being seduced by my sudden shift in hormones.
In one month my total testosterone dropped from 368 to 36 and my estradiol is at 65.
My estradiol is at 65 and my endocrinologist said the goal is 100-200. She asked me if I wanted to up my estradiol.
I said no because I really want time to process the emotional impact of HRT before the physical changes force more major life decisions. It also gives my wife time to process as well. (I still want my wife to stay with me).
Has anyone stayed at 65 on a low dose of estradiol for an extended period of time? If so, when did the physical changes become more apparent?
I know "your mileage may vary" but I would like to get an idea of what to expect. Thanks
Ok changing direction a little in my on-going journey: my libido is now officially zero. I have read that that is to be expected.
I accept that because my gender is more important than sex but, as I was once told, "who doesn't like an orgasm?"
I have read that those who have had GCS can have orgasms and some multiple.
How can you get there from here before GCS? Does your libido come back at some point as your body acclimatizes to the female hormones in your system?
Quote from: Emma1017 on December 13, 2018, 12:57:45 PM
Ok changing direction a little in my on-going journey: my libido is now officially zero. I have read that that is to be expected.
I accept that because my gender is more important than sex but, as I was once told, "who doesn't like an orgasm?"
I have read that those who have had GCS can have orgasms and some multiple.
How can you get there from here before GCS? Does your libido come back at some point as your body acclimatizes to the female hormones in your system?
I hope I don't destroy muh of your hopes. Since the time, my body is growing breasts (which seems to be because of increased estrogen??), I am down to zero libido. This means for about close to 5 years. I am now absolutely used to it, and it does not bother me anymore. I try to test myself once in a while by watching some porno clips, and I think they are absolutely boring, and I am only interested in the physical appearance of the females in them, to probably learn a little about female movements and body handling. Otherwise I don't get anything from them, and turn them off after a while.
Living without any libido makes life way more easier, because I never get an erection anymore, and I do not have to try to hide my plumbing (which as shrunk pretty dramatically). The little bit allows me to wear any tight fitting leggings other female clothing items without being afraid that anything might look out of place.
I actually like not having a libido, it is pretty easy to live without it!
Emma, Had the blood work done last week and the endocrinologist has submitted the prescriptions. My T level was low but she still recommended a T blocker plus Estrogen. I am so nervous and excited about starting. I took my wife to the appointment with the Endo. That really worked out well! She better understands what this means to me.
Hey Linde I guess I would still like the option but gender happiness come first.
Joanne really exciting news on your progress with HRT. You are way ahead of me with your relationship with your wife. Its great that she is actively with you on your journey.
My wife and I are still struggling with accepting my transgender reality. I am even still fighting with denial. My wife is just hoping that HRT is just enough (part me hopes so too...).
Talking about libido...I have been on HRT for a couple of years now and I have noticed (could hardly miss it) that things are very different for me than they used to be. I find I need to be more in my head and less about physical stuff(still important) but I don't have to "finish" to enjoy myself..
The big O is very different and takes me longer to get there but very enjoyable...not sure about post op...but gonna have some fun finding out...I can at 10 days post op tell you that I have sensation...I can feel random connections happening firing off some weird sensations ...
Stay positive that you will be Okay
Liz
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Wow Liz glad to hear that there is still hope of "O"s in my life.
I'm totally with Linde that my gender peace is the most important but but I do like orgasms.
I guess I should set aside more time ;)
Hi Emma,
I am just reading your thread this morning. I like to think of it as being fashionably late. lol You have made me feel warm inside. Whenever I see someone bashed by the dysphoria beast, step out over the fear threshold and take steps to figure things out, I feel good. Maybe it is because I stood frozen in fear for 50 years myself, but it does seem like such a great thing to see. Part of what makes it hard to move is fear of mistakes. Well, the old saying is that we learn more from our mistakes, right? My gut tells me that you aren't making a mistake.
I have two thoughts for you. One is a thread from a dear friend of mine who passed away this summer. She found great peace in being on HRT while not transitioning. You may not have seen it, but it might be of interest. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234332.0.html
The other is about orgasm. I am now post op. When I was pre op, orgasm was a necessary evil. So dramatic, right? Orgasm was mentally painful, because it was the mental end of feminine feeling and the start of emotional withdrawal. So, no it was not good. It was just a way of stopping the frustration of not being able to be my feminine self. I doubt I am alone in this experience. Post op varies so much person to person. The one thing that can be done is to take testosterone to increase sex drive. I won't get into my complicated situation, but I have been able to orgasm, but it does take more of a creative atmosphere to happen. Some might call it more work.
Anyway I thought I would chime in with wishes that you and your partner find your happy place.
Moni
Thank you Moni.
It is the warmth and shared support from people like you on this site that have gotten me through the most personal hell I have ever experience without my usual family and friend support network.
As you know it is brutally lonely until you find people who understand and share.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma, i am just reading your thread now. I am 54 years old and came out transgender on November 14, 2018. My wife knows and we have been married 21 years and have two children, 20 and 15. She knew decades before I accepted my identity, although she thought I was gay. She was and is happy for me and knows that i suffered depression and anxiety for most of my life due to the gender dysphoria. That is the good news.
The bad news is we are divorcing. Coming out only accelerated a decision that was coming anyway. What is important is that both of us deserves to be happy. She wasn't happy. I wasn't happy. The marriage was broken. I ws t her to be happy and I can't give and support her what she needs. She didn't sign up to be married to a woman. I respect that.
You are still the loving person your wife married. A strong marriage can survive if not thrive becuse you accept your true self. There are many stories in the forum to support that. My story, unfortunately is not one of them
I found a new community and many people like you and me. All of us discovered out true selves during the seco d half of our life. I looking forward to happier 2nd half of life even though it will be vastly different than the 1st half.
Each path is different. I hope you find a path that makes you happy with your true self.
Hugs Zoey
Thanks Zoey:
It is a tough path. The pleasure of this site is that we suddenly find we are not alone.
We deserve that. We have had a lifetime of shame, fear and anger and we deserve better.
I am happy that you are coming to peace with who you are. While your relationship with your wife has changed, at least you indicated a respectful division. I hope you both find happiness in your choices.
I am going slow with my HRT. I am coming on my third month on low dose Estradiol and had to cut my spiro in half because it caused my potassium to spike.
I am doing all I can to preserve my relationship with my wife. She is my soulmate.
This thread has been my battle between who I am and who I need to be to preserve my relationship.
I started this thread with the thought "which hurts less" and I am still not sure but I am trying everyday to find my solution.
Every time I kiss my wife, I am reminded of the strength of our love.
Every day I take my HRT medication I feel better inside.
My therapist keeps reminding me to process so that is what I must continue to do.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma, thank you for your reply to my post. I am so glad to hear you have a loving relationship with your wife and you are seeing a therapist. Life is a process and our current journeys are a small, but vitally important, part of the process. One step at time. One day at a time. First, Believe in you. Second believe in everything else after you love and accept you. We have to love ourselves before we can love someone else.
Hug and kiss your wife and keep taking your hormones. You sound more positive in your last post and this is awesome. Tomorrow will be better.
Season's Greetings!!
Hugs Zoey
Best wishes to you Zoey and everyone else on this journey. Hope is our strength.
To All:
We are all on our own journeys but we share common road marks and hazards.
I just hit my one year anniversary of when my panic attacks started out of no where. I really thought a quick meeting with a therapist would just square me away....Wow how wrong was I! It started my journey and I never felt so alone when I started.
First, I want to thank the incredible people on this site that helped me in so many ways. You are all the best.
A year later I know I am transgender and I have started HRT...and no more panic attacks.
I hope this thread helped others as much as the sharing has helped me.
The road ahead for me is still as confusing as ever but I have greater confidence now that I will find a way than I did a year ago.
Thanks and Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on October 18, 2018, 09:53:22 AM
ok I feel I owe everyone a big update.
I celebrated my birthday yesterday by starting to take prescribed finasteride (still waiting for the appointment with the endocrinologist) and I had some one help me with my make up and outfit. We then went for a walk to my therapist. She immediately hugged me and said that it was so, so nice to see ME finally. I cried and smiled at the same time.
It is life changing. It absolutely confirmed who I am and I can't stop smiling.
Sadly, this did not include my wife but I intend to change that this week and do everything I can to keep us together. I now have the confidence to share with her what is real in my life and not some obsessive mental disorder that can be medicated.
I want to thank everyone for helping me purge the shame, embarrassment and loneliness I have felt until I finally started to share on this message board.
You are all unbelievable!
Major hugs,
Emma
Hi
I know this is late or let me wish you an early Happy birthday for 2019.
You can do this you need to do it for Emma. And everyone in your life will be better for it.
AJ
Thanks AJ I will welcome every birthday and every birthday wish, regardless of when in the year they are given.
I just posted this on a different thread but it touched me so deeply that I wanted to put here in the thread I am using to share my own personal journey.
As I have become more accepting that I am transgender over the past year I have have come to appreciate the incredible courage we all have against a massive wall social rejection.
I ran across a new article today talking about a NETFLIX film called GIRL about Nora Monsecour, a trans female dancer from Belgium. It has created a lot of controversy and I don't want to get into any debate about that.
What impressed me was the interview given by the actual trans dancer, Nora Monsecour a few weeks ago. It made me proud of who I am and I hope you feel the same.
"Those criticizing Girl are preventing another trans story from being shared in the world, and are also attempting to silence me and my trans identity," Monsecour wrote, in part. "Every day, I see young, transgender people fighting for their dreams, accomplishing their goals. They are not weak and fragile. Girl tells my story in a way that doesn't lie, doesn't hide. To argue that Lara's experience as trans is not valid because the director, Lukas Dhont is cis or because we have a cis lead actor offends me."
"I made it through my darkest, most challenging times," she continued. "I am a professional dancer and a unique, brave, strong woman that knows exactly who she is and what she wants. Now, I can proudly say that I am transgender. I faced my challenges and my naysayers head-on and did not back down from my convictions. I will do the same to support this film, my friend Lukas, and this story."
"I spent countless hours focusing on my internal demons and feeling betrayed by my physical body," she added. "What hurt me the most was not the people who bullied me, who put me down, who didn't want me to succeed. What caused me the most turmoil was myself and my thoughts. In Girl, these thoughts became an important part of Lara's psyche too. I'm thankful to the team at Ghent Hospital, who helped me throughout my treatment, and consulted closely with Lukas on the film to ensure we were accurate. This was integral in developing the character of Lara."
Monsecour also defended the final scenes of Girl, though she clarified they weren't part of her real story. "We made a film with some hard, honest scenes," she wrote. "Scenes that might be disturbing to watch, but that are crucial to show. I do not want to sugarcoat my experiences or hide away my darkest thoughts. I shouldn't have to — they are real and not uncommon in the trans community. Though my story does not include this final event, it's a thought that lingered in my mind every day."
I hope I haven't over-stepped myself for sharing it here. I was just inspired by her courage and conviction. I need to internalize it in my heart.
Emma
Emma, this film was a very great hit in Germany, not only in the trans community, but all across the country. Germany, of course, is a little more advanced in this area, because it has an official law now that a third gender (different) has to be recognized by all authorities!
I don't know whether we will be able to see this movie here in this country, I hope so very much we will!
NETFLIX has it coming out January 18.
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 06, 2019, 05:26:36 PM
NETFLIX has it coming out January 18.
Don't have Netflix, i have to wait until it comes to Amazon Prime
I am having one of those really bad transgender blues day.
I feel like I am in a constant battle with myself whether I really need to transition or not.
I look in the mirror and just don't see it. I had hoped that starting HRT would be the swing vote to convince me that transitioning was the right answer. Although I feel better, it hasn't been the awakening call I had hoped for. I realize that it's only three months since I started HRT.
There are times now when I really feel that I don't want to transition and then I touch the hormone patch and
just smile.
I really wish I could commit one way or another. I just don't see the middle ground as an answer.
We are all dealing with stuff so I am sorry to be venting like this. I had no place to go with this.
Thanks,
Emma
Emma,
We all have days like that! It will soon pass. As you may know, I began week 3 on my patch. I know what you mean by touching the patch and feeling a sense of joy. Has your wife noticed a personality change since you started HRT?
Mine has and she is quite happy with the change so far. I did have a little set back. The 2x per day spiro seems to bother my stomach. I cut it back to once a day to see if that will help. But, so far I am very happy to have started HRT.
Hugs,
Joanne
You know Joanne this is the closest I will get to girlfriends.
Thank you for responding. I had to reduce my spiro by half because my potassium spiked.
I binged on pizza and wine tonight so I will pre-apologize for sounding like a jerk. I am getting my ass kicked. I had to talk to a doctor today because I have to commit my older brother. I had to deal today with my Mom who at 90 years old has cancer and no memory...and I just want to cry.
This gender dysphoria is just cruel and i am tired of hurting all the time. no one one, even my wife knows of the pain.
God I am just so sad.
Sorry this isn't far but the loneliness if just killing me. Gotta go
@Emma1017 Hey Emma
You in right place to go with it, you don't have to apologize.
It's a huge change in your life, and it is ok to feel doubts. I'd suggest to remember what brougth you here in first place, think about proc and cons of both transition and non-transition, and then ask yourself what way you'd like to go.
I'm doing pretty same right now :)
I just can't stop crying
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 08, 2019, 06:58:18 PM
I just can't stop crying
Let your emotions flow out! Crying is healthy and liberating! Think about how much of a woman you became already! A man would not be able to cry about this, a woman is allowed to cry!
Cry your sadness out, and tomorrow will be another day with fresh sunshine!
Hugs
Linde
Thanks Linde
Emma,
Since I came out to my wife 2 years ago, I have had many days of sorrow like you are experiencing. I have found that going out in the world helps. The friends I have made in our "community" are amazing. I look forward to going to our monthly support group meeting, the going to a coffee shop for the meeting after the meeting. I find the same support here on this forum.
My mother is in an assisted living facility at the age of 94. She is not the same person anymore. So I understand the stress your dealing with.
I wish we were near one another. I would meet you for coffee!
Hang in there!
Hugs, Joanne
Thank you Joanne.
I'm sure that the HRT might be effecting my emotions. The sadness and pain yesterday almost makes me want to rip the hormone patch off.
It was the emotional grinding in my heart and soul of the combination of the regular, normal human stuff with the super-abusive trans stuff that we all have...it just got to me yesterday.
I haven't cried that hard since I lost my son to leukemia four years ago.
Thank you all for your support. It meant a lot.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 09, 2019, 09:00:29 AM
Thank you Joanne.
I'm sure that the HRT might be effecting my emotions. The sadness and pain yesterday almost makes me want to rip the hormone patch off.
It was the emotional grinding in my heart and soul of the combination of the regular, normal human stuff with the super-abusive trans stuff that we all have...it just got to me yesterday.
I haven't cried that hard since I lost my son to leukemia four years ago.
Thank you all for your support. It meant a lot.
Hugs,
Emma
I feel really sorry for you for the loss of your child! I can feel a little how you must be feeling, because we had a still born child!
You get used to the trans stuff over time, and it will not hurt that bad anymore. I am working on it for about 1 years already, and it has become like some kind of routine to me.
As I wrote earlier, give yourself the permission to cry when you feel like it, it helps a lot with the feelings!
Hugs
Linde
Thanks Linde.
I didn't mean to include my loss to be dramatic. I was just comparing that level of crying with the only other time in my life that I cried like that.
This journey is filled with so many emotional landmines. I guess HRT is making me more emotionally exposed when they explode.
Thanks you again for your support,
Emma
Hi Emma
I'm still a teenager and I definitely don't have much wisdom or experience in life yet, but I've been reading your thread and I just wanted to say that your story (and the really amazing support I can see from everyone else on this thread) has touched me. It gives me hope for my own transition and makes me happy to see all these people further along in life finally being able to experience their true selves. I truly hope you and your wife work through this together, and that your journey is empowering and liberating.
Best wishes,
Alex
Hi Alex:
Thank you for your very warm thoughts and wishes. They mean a lot. I am glad my thread has been helpful as I have been helped by others.
As you can read here, transitioning is a tough but not impossible process. I hope you can come to a decision that makes sense for you and that you have the support and understanding of those around you.
Make sure that you seek professional guidance like we all have. None of us were able to understand our needs without that help. It is a very complex process with lots of good and bad turns. Don't try to do it alone. This site and my thread is obvious proof.
Best regards,
Emma
I posted this on another thread but realized that it really belonged here.
I have been really beating myself up over the last couple of days as to whether or not I have the courage to transition and the sacrifice it requires.
Alternatively, I have been also asking myself whether not transitioning requires even more of a sacrifice than I can possible make.
I keep trying to process but this circular argument is draining my soul.
Only you can answer this for yourselves! I feel great as a woman, my life seems to going very well, but I have less restrictions than most of you. I have not to consider any fall out because of work problems, I am pretty secure financially and that will not change at all. But..........
But if I would have known several years ago what was going on with me, and why I was destroying my marriage along the way, I would have done everything I would have been able to do to save my marriage, even up to going back into the closet!
I am now a pretty happy and content older woman, but I am alone and lonely! I have many friends, but at night, when the street lights come on, I am sitting at home all alone! I'd rather would not be a woman and have my wife at my side in the evenings.
But again, this is how I feel, everybody has to make their own decission. I made the wrong one, and it is to late to change it now. I have to make the best of it!
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 16, 2019, 01:05:50 PM
I posted this on another thread but realized that it really belonged here.
I have been really beating myself up over the last couple of days as to whether or not I have the courage to transition and the sacrifice it requires.
Alternatively, I have been also asking myself whether not transitioning requires even more of a sacrifice than I can possible make.
I keep trying to process but this circular argument is draining my soul.
I also have an internal argument going on over transition. I actually started to transition in 2016 and discovered the sacrifice was too great.
After 12 months of hormones in 2016. I stopped taking them and pulled back to a fully male, conventional husband for 2017. This probably saved the loss of my family but I couldnt go without regular time in womens clothes (often at night).
At the end of 2017 I really missed the relief estrogen gave me from my misaligned gender. I wanted to feel comfortable and euphoric again.
New years day 2018 I was back on cyproterone and estradiol. The euphoric feelings rapidly returned & I felt at ease once again.
I didnt push transition in 2018- I focussed on getting on with my life. To stave off existential angst I continued with electrolysis, spent spare time in female mode, bought some new womens clothes, Went for manicure & pedicure, eyelash & eyebrow tint. Looked after health and fitness. Maintained full dose HRT.
I tell myself even though I am living as a man I am putting as many things in place
to transition as I can. This keeps me going and if I must transition a lot of stuff is already done.
Emma what do you think would happen if you took the plunge ?
Kind regards, Kirsten.
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Hi Linde & Kristen:
Ultimately I am of afraid of losing my wife. I know that I won't lose my son and I am willing to gamble losing those friends who can't or won't support me. Everything else is just stuff.
But I am also questioning which life I want more. I know how to be male, 63 years of perfecting the craft. Admittedly, I am excited to finally have a chance to be the female I have always wanted to be. It is exciting!...but is that who I want to be 5 years from now?
Kristen, you and I are following the "slow go" strategy. It is the compromise solution but sometimes it feels like death by a thousand cuts. I guess I just want to make one decision, stick with it and commit.
I am just not going to get off that easy.
So back on the journey I go and as my therapist keeps hammering "process, process, process"
Thanks for listening and caring,
Emma
Emma, I am at the projected 5 years and then some. I was about 55 to 60 when my life exploded. I did not know what was going on! I did never have the urge to wear female clothing, I just tried as hard as possible to be a man, until my funny biological make up decided different.
Anyway, I went the route of slow transition, until this did not work anymore. There is life after becoming an older woman.
I was lucky and did not lose any friends or relatives (all from my wife's side, I have no relatives left) , and most important, my son and his wife stand fully behind me. I am now pretty good friends with my ex again, and she is one of my "consultants" now (we live about 2000 miles apart now, but texting and email makes everything possible). In fact, I gained a whole lot of new friends, and my circle of friends is now larger and of better quality.
My life as an older woman is good, full of fun stuff and pleasure. My only problem are the lone evenings, and i don't know if this will ever change again!
I wish you lots of luck, love and most important, strength!
Linde
Linde I keep circling back to my original start to this thread, "which hurts less". I really don't know if I am any closer to the answer. It is all painful.
Strength is what I hope I can use to sustain me while I walk this painful path that everyone on this site has had to walk.
As always, thank you for your support,
Emma
Quote from: Dietlind on January 17, 2019, 02:23:30 PM
Emma, I am at the projected 5 years and then some. I was about 55 to 60 when my life exploded. I did not know what was going on! I did never have the urge to wear female clothing, I just tried as hard as possible to be a man, until my funny biological make up decided different.
Anyway, I went the route of slow transition, until this did not work anymore. There is life after becoming an older woman.
I was lucky and did not lose any friends or relatives (all from my wife's side, I have no relatives left) , and most important, my son and his wife stand fully behind me. I am now pretty good friends with my ex again, and she is one of my "consultants" now (we live about 2000 miles apart now, but texting and email makes everything possible). In fact, I gained a whole lot of new friends, and my circle of friends is now larger and of better quality.
My life as an older woman is good, full of fun stuff and pleasure. My only problem are the lone evenings, and i don't know if this will ever change again!
I wish you lots of luck, love and most important, strength!
Linde
Hi Linde, 19 January 2019
Do not despair; I spent 35 years in self imposed isolation, not wanting any emotional ties. I came here to Susan's and my life has changed for the best it has ever been.
I now have our Dena in my life; She is the Love of My Life. I am now happier than I have ever been. To top things off, she saved my life the day after Thanksgiving.
You will find someone when and where you least expect it.
Take care my friend, God Bless, Best Always, Love,
Christine
Quote from: RealLacy on November 12, 2018, 01:13:16 PM
Dill pickles and olives to excess! Also loving the salt and vinegar chips in moderation!
Lacy
I became addicted to pickles after HRT started. My desire for sweets dropped tremendously.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Emma1017 on December 06, 2018, 07:38:54 PM
Hi Danielle:
After following your thread I am ready to move to a small town in Alaska!
Big hugs back,
Emma
EXACTLY!! I just said the same thing on my thread.
Stay strong ladies, we will get there. [emoji3590]
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Quote from: christinej78 on January 19, 2019, 04:59:34 AM
Hi Linde, 19 January 2019
Do not despair; I spent 35 years in self imposed isolation, not wanting any emotional ties. I came here to Susan's and my life has changed for the best it has ever been. I now have our Dena in my life; She is the Love of My Life. I am now happier than I have ever been. To top things off, she saved my life the day after Thanksgiving.
You will find someone when and where you least expect it.
Take care my friend, God Bless, Best Always, Love,
Christine
But here comes the problem Christine, you are to selfish to share Dena with me! >:-). And I have not found my Dena yet, and don't know if others like her are around? I know many cis women, but they are all widows and are actually happy to live alone, but none of them lives alone in a kind of self induced celibacy for more than 15 years, as I do.
Life for me is still good, but I really would like to have a person in mine, with who I can share it with.
When I moved to Florida, I bought a pretty large house with the hope that I do not live alone in it for the long haul.
Oh well, all the moaning does not help, I just have to hang in there!
How is your leg doing? Are you back on estrogen?
I wish it will be all good with you again, cause the torch of the old trans women is to heavy to be carried by me alone! I need your help with this!
Be well, have fun and I hope our friendship will last a very long time to come! One of these days we might even see each other in person!
Lots of hugs!
Linde
It's funny but while I am constantly getting angry at discovering that I am transgender trying to decide what I want to do next, I have come to realize that the "glass" actually has some "water" in it, although certainly not half full.
At 63:
-I don't care if my libido comes back
- I will never look or try to look like 20 or 30 or 40 or even 50 years old no matter what gender I choose to be the
rest of my life
-I have no desire for children, so infertility is no issue
-I am in that age group where we all start looking asexual, so if I grow small breasts while I try and work this out,
that's ok
-I am at retirement age, so income and a job are not as critical (but still important)
-Friendship is far more important than dating, even if I were single again
-I don't feel the need to wear high heels any more. Rothys are just fine. ;)
Trying to make lemonade out of lemons,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 20, 2019, 11:09:06 AM
It's funny but while I am constantly getting angry at discovering that I am transgender trying to decide what I want to do next, I have come to realize that the "glass" actually has some "water" in it, although certainly not half full.
At 63:
-I don't care if my libido comes back
- I will never look or try to look like 20 or 30 or 40 or even 50 years old no matter what gender I choose to be the
rest of my life
-I have no desire for children, so infertility is no issue
-I am in that age group where we all start looking asexual, so if I grow small breasts while I try and work this out,
that's ok
-I am at retirement age, so income and a job are not as critical (but still important)
-Friendship is far more important than dating, even if I were single again
-I don't feel the need to wear high heels any more. Rothys are just fine. ;)
Trying to make lemonade out of lemons,
Emma
Emma, you also could use those lemons to stuff them into your bra to make your boobs looking bigger, it does not always have to be lemonade when you want to do positive stuff with lemons!
I found that trans women of the same age as men look somehow younger! it might be because estrogen fills the faces out a little different, it might be because we like to dress in more friendly colors and fashion than men do, it also might be that w tend to take better care of our facial skin and appearance than men do? I don't know, but older trans women seem to look younger than their male peers!
To my surprise, I found out that my feet feel more comfortable in 2 - 3" high heels than in those very flat penny loafer type shoes. I prefer the block heels over the stiletto type ones, but I can run around on them all day long without getting tired feet. On those loafers my feet tire out after a very short time. Try it before you nix them!
My libnido has gone for more than 10 years now, and I like this a lot. There is no pressure anymore on me to hunt for sex partners, and life is way more relaxed now. I did my physical changing into a woman also after I was retired, and that again gives one so much more freedom to become the person one wants to be, i can care less what others think about me, I am just the way I want to be!
and friendship, i just can tell you, friendship among females is way more relaxed and not a constant competition as it is between men. There is no pounding against one's chest anymore to demonstrate who is the best, biggest or largest (which would hurt a lot now that my boobs are very sensitive). Girlfriends just want to have fun! And I have a ball!
Hugs
Linde
I agree with everything you said Linde, even the high heels...I'll save my lemons for a margarita
I had a unpredictable snag in my HRT strategy. I opted for the lowest dosage possible. My goal was to go slow and keep breast growth nominal through the summer. I didn't want any issues with friends while I worked out what I wanted to do. My impression was that for people over 60, growth was slow....wrong. Three months in and they started to pop.
I contacted my endocrinologist who said essentially "your mileage may vary". I am going to cut the dosage in half to give me the time I need to decide. If that doesn't work I will stop HRT until September.
I really don't want to do that.
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 23, 2019, 07:08:53 AM
I agree with everything you said Linde, even the high heels...I'll save my lemons for a margarita
I had a unpredictable snag in my HRT strategy. I opted for the lowest dosage possible. My goal was to go slow and keep breast growth nominal through the summer. I didn't want any issues with friends while I worked out what I wanted to do. My impression was that for people over 60, growth was slow....wrong. Three months in and they started to pop.
I contacted my endocrinologist who said essentially "your mileage may vary". I am going to cut the dosage in half to give me the time I need to decide. If that doesn't work I will stop HRT until September.
I really don't want to do that.
Can't you use some sort of binder?
I have a function end of July at which I have to have some kind of male appearance (because I do not want to be there as a woman), and I plan to use a binder under my shirts. I don't know how large my breasts will be at that time, but considering that I am a B cup already, I can assume if anything, they sty like this or get even bigger. Currently I could excuse them as moobs, but I am rather on the slimmer side, and would have a hard time to explain moobs with no other visible body fat. I think a binder is the way for me to go, because I do not want to interrupt my HRT regime.
Good luck for you to find a workable solution.
Thanks Linde.
I spend a lot of time at the beach in New York with friends. Between the humidity and heat I would be topless and in shorts. A binder would be very hard to explain plus be really, really hot.
I hope going on a half dose that I will grow slower and not miss the emotional benefits of the HRT.
To be honest to all:
I have to admit that, for the first time in my life, I am afraid...for me. My breasts have not really grown that much but just enough to bring home the serious reality of my decision.
Suddenly transitioning is not a fantasy or intellectual thought, it is real and I am really afraid.
That's why I am pushing back the dosage to delay the decision. I know what I want but I am still not ready to destroy everything else to get there. These sacrifices are real, no matter which way I go.
The journey isn't stopping but the cross roads suddenly got a lot closer.
Thanks for caring,
Emma
At 63 Emma, I think one major question is: How do you want to spend the last season of your life? (Not trying to be morbid at all. Just my perspective...)
When I asked myself that question at 58, I told myself I wanted two things:
-- I did not want to die a man
-- I did not want to die alone
Unfortunately, these might be conflicting goals. For many of us, Not Dying a man might mean dying alone, and maybe vise versa. And, this is the decision each of us must make. I do believe that no person on this list over 50 would give you the slightest grief for choosing either direction...
Kate
Quote from: KatieP on January 24, 2019, 11:18:11 AM
At 63 Emma, I think one major question is: How do you want to spend the last season of your life? (Not trying to be morbid at all. Just my perspective...)
When I asked myself that question at 58, I told myself I wanted two things:
-- I did not want to die a man
-- I did not want to die alone
Unfortunately, these might be conflicting goals. For many of us, Not Dying a man might mean dying alone, and maybe vise versa. And, this is the decision each of us must make. I do believe that no person on this list over 50 would give you the slightest grief for choosing either direction...
Kate
I had the same parameter, but not wanting to die as a man was way more important for me than not dying alone.
At the moment it looks like that I might die alone, but as a woman. I hope very much that the alone thing might change, but the woman thing is way more important for me!
Hi Katie and Linde:
Even though I started taking HRT months ago, I really didn't appreciate how important that decision was until the recent growth of my breasts. It made my decision very tangible.
My fear is the fear of myself. I am afraid that I am actually making a decision that every cell in my brain thinks is wrong while every part of my heart knows is right.
So yes I would rather die a woman but I am still working on not dying alone.
Thank you for your thoughts,
Emma
I wish you ll the luck in the world that you can have both, a marriage, and living as a woman.
My marriage fell apart almost 16 years ago, because neither of us knew what was going on with me, I just got angrier with the minute, and we did not know what to do about it. My wife held out for 4 more years, until she finally could not live with a man anymore who was seeking reasons to explode about, and she left. She is the love of my life, and I still have no interests to get close with any other person, because it would feel to me as if I am cheating on my love.
But I am happy that I am a woman now, who can live with the memories of a marriage that was out of this world!
I might die alone, but as a woman who had the chance to be herself, and still has a memory of wonderful love!
An update:
My wife and I had a very intense conversation that started with her stating that she couldn't stay with me if I transitioned. After a lot of private quiet moments and a lot of crying and hugging she said she would never leave me and that we will figure it out.
Separately, I took a photo of my chest (not very flattering) before I started HRT. I really don't see any difference. I just panicked because I could feel firmer tissue under each nipple.
I have decided to ask my endocrinologist today to increase my dosage if she agrees.
The journey continues...
Thanks all,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 29, 2019, 08:00:15 AM
An update:
My wife and I had a very intense conversation that started with her stating that she couldn't stay with me if I transitioned. After a lot of private quiet moments and a lot of crying and hugging she said she would never leave me and that we will figure it out.
Separately, I took a photo of my chest (not very flattering) before I started HRT. I really don't see any difference. I just panicked because I could feel firmer tissue under each nipple.
I have decided to ask my endocrinologist today to increase my dosage if she agrees.
The journey continues...
Thanks all,
Emma
Good luck for you, and even more so, for your marriage!
Emma, I know what you are going through! I started HRT 5 weeks ago, with 1 week skipped for a surgical procedure. I restarted my spiro 2 weeks ago and I'm getting use to the morning sickness. Physical changes have started. Body hair is much softer and slow to return after shaving. (not facial) I have not experienced any breast pain, but they are growing! My fear is, how can I go swimming with my Grandkids! My body is now hairless being completely shaved and very obvious of the changes. My wife and I have talked about this, and she thinks it is no big deal. She says a lot of 66 year old cancer survivor men have big boobs from medications taken. This may be true, but I'm the one who is going through these physical changes. On one hand I love these changes, on the other it it scares me to death. What makes it hard is the positive emotional changes I am experiencing. I do not want to go back to the way I felt prior to HRT.
BTW, My wife is still supportive of me continuing the hormones.
Hey Joanne:
The fear started when I began to realize my body was changing (slowly) and transitioning was becoming real. Fortunately I don't have young grandchildren who may be confused by my transition. My nieces and nephews are all adults. Their acceptance is up to them.
I know my son will be OK and I believe now that my wife's going to stay and be apart of whatever I must do.
I think "must do" is my challenge. Every time I make another decision, like HRT or increasing my HRT, I now believe that I am making a decision that I "must do". It doesn't feel like a choice.
I am hoping that at the end of this process, whichever way it takes me, that I am better than I am today. I know that I am better than I was a year ago. That's progress.
I know it will be a huge step if I actually give up being stealth. I don't know if I can and I won't know for a while. I figure I am at least a year or more away from that decision because of my job and to give my wife (and me) time to process.
Ultimately I know I would love to successfully transition and be a better me.
Warm regards,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 29, 2019, 12:17:52 PM
[...]
Ultimately I know I would love to successfully transition and be a better me.
Hello Emma, :)
There is no greater gift that you could ever give to
everyone who truly cares about you than to be the best and most authentic person you can possibly be.
Your Newest Cheerleader,eHug
~EV~ (She, Her, Hers)
Thank you EV:
I agree but the process requires you to let go of a lifetime (my case 63 years). It also requires those you love to let go of you to accept the new you.
That's a lot to ask from yourself much less everyone else.
You have to step into the crucible with everything and everyone you love and hope that at the end of that process what you have gained is worth everything you lost.
That is my greatest fear.
I am not yet ready to make that step and I am really not sure I will be able to. It requires a level of selfishness that I don't know I can live with.
Hugs back,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 31, 2019, 07:49:42 AM
[...]
It requires a level of selfishness that I don't know I can live with.
[...]
Emma, you obviously have a huge heart, and you're so very kind. :)
A couple of thoughts, for whatever they may be worth...
The more you take care of yourself, the more you will be able to take care of others.
A long time ago, when I first came out to my mom, I asked her how she would feel if I was paralyzed and a new surgery had been devised that would allow me to walk for the first time in my life. Would she really object to my having the surgery just because she'd gotten used to seeing me in a wheelchair?
eHug
:)
Thank you for your thoughts EV.
Unfortunately a physical malady is easier for the world to understand. If I had cancer my wife would be on every website and every doctor making sure that I had the best medical support possible.
Unfortunately she thinks that I have to solve this "problem" myself and that there is a solution out there that requires no change of who I have been for the 44 years of our relationship (we met in college).
I made that history happen. She and everyone else in my life, including me, believed "what you saw was what you got".
I was her guy.
It is great to say that she should love me spiritually. To accept her guy, supported by hundreds of photos and decades of memories, is now a woman, requires a super human leap of acceptance.
As I said earlier, she has been through 10 years of hell. She has lost everyone in her family, including our son, to cancer. She sobbed the other day when we talked about transitioning, "I can't lose you too". I hoped over time that she would accept that I will never leave but I don't know that I can hurt her if she watches me disappear into Emma.
It's a lot to ask.
I am crying now and my heart is breaking...for me, but truthfully, the world doesn't rotate around me. There are others to consider.
I am tempted to stop this thread now because I am not sure this endlessly circular selfish dialogue is fair to everyone here going through their own hell. My additional thoughts are not not adding solutions for anyone.
You all deserve better,
Emma
Emma, I have not weighed in on your thread before because everything I would have said had been. The reason I jump in now is that you feel this is circular and that you are being a burden to those that have burdens of their own.
That is the very reason that most of us that are further down this road remain on this forum. To help those that are struggling. When I first joined a similar forum 3 years ago it was ALL about me. I had so much to figure out. The people I met there helped immensely and gave me food for thought that helped me figure things out.
We are here to help share your burden. We all have burdens as well but we wouldn't help share yours if we couldn't carry the weight. Nobody that has participated in the 14 pages of this did so because they were forced - we all chose to.
So keep sharing - do not go off into a corner and suffer alone.
One other thought. Regarding being 'selfish' -being your authentic self is not being selfish. If you go back into hiding and fight these feelings you will not be any good to your wife or yourself. Should you be considerate and honest? Absolutely - should you live in denial? Nope. Burying this is not going to lead to happiness for you or your wife.
Lean on people here. One day in the future you can pay it forward to others as I hopefully am now.
Dear Emma, i feel with you, and I am sitting here with tears in my eye. You are kind o lucky, bcause you are still able to have some control over your life!
My life exploded about 1 years ago, because my body decided to feminize itself more and more. I did not kn ow what was going on, I just became an angry and mean person, and I finally drove my wife of than 36 years away. she was, and still is the love of my life, and I have never touched another person sexually after my wife.
I am still alone, and I m pretty sure that I will be alone and lonely for the rest of my life. i have lots of really good friends, but they go home in the evening, and I am alone.
If I could do it over again, I would do everything to save my marriage! The happiness I had for 36 years cannot be replaced by the happy feeling I have for being a woman.
Yes, I am a pretty happy woman, but I am also a lonely woman! I'd rather would be a happy husband again, and if required, no woman at all!
I have no advise for you Emma, except try to safe your marriage, nothing in the world can replace those 40 years you had together, and many years you will have to come to be together! Don't become a lonely woman!
Love and hugs
Linde
I think Dietlind offers excellent advice but I am going to differ with her in this case. The pain both of you are feeling is very real and I unfortunately share the pain of loneliness. I would venture to say being transgender is one of the ways to dramatically increase the odds of being alone. So why do it??
Many reasons but I will speak to the loneliness aspect.
Denying our real gender manifests itself in terrible ways. Just as Dietlind said she was angry and unhappy and made her wife miserable in the final years. That says a lot because she seems to be a delightful person. If this heartache of keeping our gender in the closet can cause a normally nice person to be lousy that in itself says a lot.
A handful of couples in my personal experience stay together successfully. Maybe you can be one of them. It does happen. Often it does not. But if you are suppressing the real you I am sadly confident that your relationship will deteriorate and you will both suffer. It happens time after time after time. It is one of the most common stories in the transgender community. In my opinion the best chance your marriage has is to face this together honestly and openly.
Regardless which path you choose and what advice rings true to you I wish you nothing but the best.
PS I was thinking about this for a few minutes after signing off and came back to add this. This is just my personal experience so it is a tiny sample but for what its worth.... loneliness is common in our community IMO. I have about 20 IRL trans friends. 4 are married and one is in a long term relationship. So in my life out of about 20 friends 5 of them are with someone and the rest of us are alone.
This is definitely something that people have to go into transition with eyes wide open. On the other hand most people that try to stay in the closet and remain in relationships usually end up very unhappy. But at the end of the day you can't make someone else happy unless you are happy with yourself.
Quote from: KimOct on January 31, 2019, 08:22:55 PM
[...]
So keep sharing - do not go off into a corner and suffer alone.
One other thought. Regarding being 'selfish' -being your authentic self is not being selfish. If you go back into hiding and fight these feelings you will not be any good to your wife or yourself. Should you be considerate and honest? Absolutely - should you live in denial? Nope. Burying this is not going to lead to happiness for you or your wife.
[...]
Quote from: KimOct on January 31, 2019, 08:37:24 PM
Denying our real gender manifests itself in terrible ways. Just as Dietlind said she was angry and unhappy and made her wife miserable in the final years. That says a lot because she seems to be a delightful person. If this heartache of keeping our gender in the closet can cause a normally nice person to be lousy that in itself says a lot.
A handful of couples in my personal experience stay together successfully. Maybe you can be one of them. It does happen. Often it does not. But if you are suppressing the real you I am sadly confident that your relationship will deteriorate and you will both suffer. It happens time after time after time. It is one of the most common stories in the transgender community. In my opinion the best chance your marriage has is to face this together honestly and openly.
[...]
I agree with KimOct completely.Quote from: Emma1017 on January 31, 2019, 06:51:48 PM
[...]
Unfortunately a physical malady is easier for the world to understand.
[...]
Oh but Emma, you
do have a physical malady that is every bit as debilitating as being paralyzed, and every bit as deserving of whatever resources are available to help you to live as fully and as completely as you possibly can.
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 31, 2019, 06:51:48 PM
[...]
As I said earlier, [...my wife...] has been through 10 years of hell. She has lost everyone in her family, including our son, to cancer. She sobbed the other day when we talked about transitioning, "I can't lose you too". I hoped over time that she would accept that I will never leave but I don't know that I can hurt her if she watches me disappear into Emma.
[...]
Your wife has been through too much, and my heart goes out to her completely.
But you are no less deserving of compassion and support than she is. You weren't in any way responsible for any of these tragedies, and your journey at the moment shouldn't be diminished by any of these other events, even if the timing happens to be difficult. I'm sure that your wife is feeling completely overwhelmed, and in all likelihood, she would probably benefit from therapy to help her sort everything out, because she's probably just not able to see anything particularly clearly right now.
I'd have to image that all of these losses have also affected you just as deeply, apart from your concern for your wife. Is it possible that all of these intense reminders of our mortality are driving your life-affirming desire to fully pursue your transition? If so, that's a very healthy response that I think you should embrace.
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 31, 2019, 06:51:48 PM
[...]
the world doesn't rotate around me. There are others to consider.
[...]
Again, I'm truly moved by your spirit of generosity and concern for others Emma. You're obviously a very special person. :)
However, to echo KimOct's thoughts – few things are more insidiously debilitating and destructive than being a martyr. Deliberately embracing pain because we falsely believe it's in another's best interest will always eventually destroy the relationship.
The cat's well and truly out of the bag at this point Emma. Even if you and your wife decided today that you were both going to do everything you could to bury and deny your reality, you'll
never be able to do it, and it will destroy any chance you'll ever have of authentically being together, even as friends.
If you don't move forward with your journey, it seems to me that the only person you're truly going to hurt is yourself.
eHug
EV, Kim, Linde and all:
I am humbled and in tears. Thank you all for hugging my soul and touching my heart. I don't think I could go on without everyone of you.
Massive hugs and endless love,
Emma
I changed my avatar. This is me.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 01, 2019, 07:27:11 PM
I changed my avatar. This is me.
What a pretty lady is sitting on that couch!
You are both ADORABLE !!!! Really !!! You should have been showing it off :)
EV I LOVE your avatar - the determination ( I shall be whole ) absolutely rocks.
Emma - In these days of online friendships things are different than IRL but people do develop actual friendships - not the same as IRL IMO ( more abbreviations please ;D ) but what I am trying to say is that we love you too.
I eventually became IRL friends with people I met online in my early days and I will always be friends with some of them. In the few months I have been here I can tell that there are people that met here that are friends as well. Regardless if some of us meet someday or not we do care what happens with you and are here to support you.
Emma - All of this online love is good and helpful but what also helped me was to get support both online and locally. If you have not already done so find a local group to join. While all of us here really do care it is not enough and a computer screen can get lonely and cause distortion. Lean on us but meet other transpeople in your area too. It really helped me a lot. In short...... do both.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 01, 2019, 07:27:11 PM
I changed my avatar. This is me.
Hi Emma, 02 February 2019
I do love your real avatar; you're beautiful.
Advice and good decisions are not my forte; if you have read my main thread and some of my posts you will understand. I now only express my opinion, not advice. So here goes my opinion: Be true to yourself, be the real you. Anything else is a prescription for unhappiness for both you and your wife. There are many folks here at Susan's that are extremely knowledgeable and experienced. They are a fantastic resource. Outside counseling can also be very helpful.
Take care of yourself and your wife.
Best Always, Love
Christine
Thanks Kim and Christine for your thoughts. Linde your photo is great.
My emotions come out more honestly here than they would in the real world. I choose not to hide them here because I am not restricted by 63 years of male convention. I won't feel the same sitting in a room with others.
I am seeing a great therapist so I am not worried about the extreme emotions destroying me.
I know that we share only words on this site but words are powerful and when they resonate even more so.
Thank you all again,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 01, 2019, 06:45:39 PM
EV, Kim, Linde and all:
I am humbled and in tears. Thank you all for hugging my soul and touching my heart. I don't think I could go on without everyone of you.
Massive hugs and endless love,
Emma
:) Right back at you Kiddo. ;)
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 01, 2019, 07:27:11 PM
I changed my avatar. This is me.
WOW! Look at how how HAPPY you are! Emma, you're glowing! Seeing you so happy has made me so happy that I'm smiling from ear to ear with tears streaming down my face. (
Holy massive catharsis Batman!)
Please
do not forget the happiness of the moment captured in this photo. If you hold onto it, it might be all the motivation you need to see you through your journey...
Quote from: KimOct on February 02, 2019, 01:06:13 AM
[...]
EV I LOVE your avatar - the determination ( I shall be whole ) absolutely rocks.
Thanks Kim! :)
My avatar is a color abstracted detail of one of my favorite paintings –
"Soir"/"Evening Mood" by WA Bouguereau, 1882 (https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/William-Adolphe_Bouguereau#/media/File:Bouguereau-Evening_Mood_1882.jpg).
If you've read my story (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244259.0.html), you know that my social journey is just about to get started. Once I'm further along in my transition, I look forward to replacing my current symbolic avatar with a self portrait.
I love seeing everyone's avatars – Emma's, Dietlind's, Christine's, yours...you're all beautiful and incredibly inspirational to me! :)
Quote from: KimOct on February 02, 2019, 01:06:13 AM
[...]
Emma - All of this online love is good and helpful but what also helped me was to get support both online and locally. If you have not already done so find a local group to join. While all of us here really do care it is not enough and a computer screen can get lonely and cause distortion. Lean on us but meet other transpeople in your area too. It really helped me a lot. In short...... do both.
Once again, I agree with Kim. :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 02, 2019, 12:03:42 PM
[...]
My emotions come out more honestly here than they would in the real world. I choose not to hide them here because I am not restricted by 63 years of male convention. I won't feel the same sitting in a room with others.
The physical world is where all of the most significant and meaningful changes for you are going to happen.
Male conventions will be easier and easier for you to let go of the more you give yourself permission to let go of them.
A Trans Support Group will be full of others going through everything that you're going through.
You obviously have a great deal of nurturing energy (I just love that about you), and the more you express this, the more supportive energy you will get back in kind.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 02, 2019, 12:03:42 PM
I am seeing a great therapist so I am not worried about the extreme emotions destroying me.
I'm so glad to hear that Emma! :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 02, 2019, 12:03:42 PM
I know that we share only words on this site but words are powerful and when they resonate even more so.
Very true. But they are also incredibly powerful when spoken and heard in the physical world, which is where beautiful happy Emma deserves to be. :) :) :) :) :)
eHug
EV thank you for everything you have said and the wonder compliment. It touches my heart.
I agree with Kim, your avatar is stunning. I looked up the original. Wow!
I read your story and the incredible details that you shared after so many years later. It obviously was life changing for you. It leads the direction of your journey.
It reminded me of the one time I went out as a woman. It was a Halloween party and I was dressed as Elvira, Queen of Darkness. I loved every minute of it. I even had a drunk husband whose wife was 8 months pregnant hit on me. Creeped me out...:) I was 28 at the time. I put that experience in my emotional closet. Never shared it and its meaning until I told my therapist last year.
I agree with you. The sensation of your legs shaved felt wonderful. I am having the same reaction now with my skin after 3 months on HRT.
You absolutely nailed the GD experience "this inexplicable conundrum of existence."
I am trying to match the courage and conviction that I have witnessed here. It takes a lot to overcome the fear, shame and doubts that massively block the way.
I am looking forward to read the continuance of your story.
Hugs,
Emma
I just told my therapist I am transitioning.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 03, 2019, 07:17:31 PM
I just told my therapist I am transitioning.
super exiting
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 03, 2019, 07:17:31 PM
I just told my therapist I am transitioning.
I love it! I wish you so much luck, and a lot of fun! It is fun to be a woman!
Quote from: GingerVicki on February 03, 2019, 07:19:28 PM
super exiting
And you look super hot in our avatar picture! If FaceApp can do it, you can do it, too!
What is FaceApp?
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 04, 2019, 04:40:35 PM
What is FaceApp?
Face App is in the google play store for android (I don't know if something is there for Iphones) You can upload your picture into it, and play around with it with different hairstyles ,etc. You also can use an antiaging filter or make you look really old. It is a pretty nifty thing and can show you how you could look like!
You can download your modified picture and use it like photo
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 03, 2019, 07:17:31 PM
I just told my therapist I am transitioning.
YAY !!!!!!!!! I don't think everyone with gender issues should transition but I usually have a pretty good guess. I try to keep that guess to myself. From what I can surmise you are doing the right thing. I am so excited for you.
A thought or two that occurred to me while grocery shopping tonight related to when I first transitioned - It has been 2 years since I changed my name and started living 100% full time all the time. Those first few months were especially hard for me. Every time I left the house I felt like the whole world was staring at me. Of course they weren't it was in my head. But I was SO scared.
Tonight while shopping I had a flashback to those days and smiled to myself. I was walking down an aisle and then I remembered how nervous I was the first few times I did that after going full time. In hind sight it seems kind of cute and naive. But at the time it is very real.
You mentioned the one time you went out at Halloween. My suggestion is to start practicing. Dress so that you fit in like your avatar in which you look adorable. Start getting used to it. It is tough at first. Especially for people like me that care too much about what people think.
Get used to it - you will eventually but it takes some practice and for me it took courage. And then come tell us about it we will help get you through it. And read my signature line. :D
After I finished typing the above and I went back and read the first page of the thread. Emma - I teared up. I am so glad you feel support here. It is real. Sending you a hug.
Dear Ginger, Line and Kim:
Thank you for your warm thoughts.
Kim I have walked out twice now after a makeover with a local trans stylist. Each time to my therapist. My avatar was the first, before I started HRT. Last week was on a frigid Thursday, was my second, with -20 degree wind chill....I wore a skirt.
I loved it!
I totally take your point. EVERYBODY was staring at me....NOT. It just felt like that. Each step has given me more confidence.
I am doing this without my wife's knowledge. This time though, not to hide (I no longer feel the shame I felt when I started this thread. Thank you all!!!!!!) but to give her more time to process. I can't throw this at her. I am just getting used to it. Shocking her will just damage our chances of staying together.
I started this thread with "which hurts less". I have learned there is a difference between "taking the bullet" and "death by a thousand paper cuts" as RobynD said earlier in this thread.
I won't survive the thousand paper cuts. I really thought I could. It has taken me this long to finally admit I can't.
I am trying now to figure out what's next and how I can stay together with my wife.
Thank you and hugs to all,
Emma
Emma, I joint this discussion on Reply #88 on: October 28, 2018, and hoped that you will be able to keep your marriage going. The way it seems, your are able doing this! This makes me very happy.
Because I am so much older than you, i am now on the fast track. I will have an orchi in the next few days, and ill be starting my gender and name change in the net few days.
I want to continue to wish you lots of luck on your path!
Linde thank you for your kind thoughts. I will be thinking of you and your up coming surgery.
Warmest wishes and the best of luck to you as well,
Emma
Wow 15 pages to this thread and every page filled with strength, love and support. I have wondered if I was worth it. It felt like a lot to ask of others. The original loneliness and fear was consuming. I thought no one could possibly understand.
I am so happy to be completely wrong!
I did the same thing that Kim did and went back to my original post.
I teared up. I am tearing up now.
It took a lot to get here. I had no idea a year ago what was happening to me. I had no clue this is where I would wind up.
I may not know what exactly comes next but I know with absolute certainty, I will never, ever be alone again.
Thank you,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 05, 2019, 05:34:35 PM
I may not know what exactly comes next but I know with absolute certainty, I will never, ever be alone again.
Thank you,
Emma
And at the end, you will be the beautiful, and loving, caring woman you were meant to be all your life!
Emma - what I am about to say is something to discuss with your therapist - I am merely planting the seed.
You have struggled but persisted and you are showing courage. This journey is tough enough when you don't have a spouse - when you still do have one it must be even tougher. Especially one that you love. Your path will not be easy but in my humble opinion it seems to be the only path that makes sense for you. If you turn back now you will be living a lie.
My unsolicited advice that is sent with good intentions and love is that you have to be honest with your wife. And also be understanding - this will be difficult for her - but trying to spare her from this is not going to end well. Again IMHO it will poison you just as Linde described above. You owe it to yourself and to her to be honest - but be compassionate as well - it may take time for her to adjust - she has feelings too. In short be honest yet kind. A tough task indeed but you are up to it.
This journey will have ups and downs - enjoy the ups and when the downs come know that better days are coming.
You got this girl !! :)
One other thought - although you have captured the hearts of many here it is not ALL about you so don't feel that you are undeserving of the attention. I am following your thread and giving input and care about you individually but the thoughts here are also helping those that read but do not post. That is the beauty of a forum such as this - you benefit from the support of others but others benefit from reading your story and our replies.
Thank you Linde and thank you Kim.
Jinx LOL we were typing at the same time - I added to my post.
I hadn't really thought about that. I have had tremendous feelings of guilt as I dumped my problems on others.
Its not the way I am and I have never been so selfishly self absorbed.
Again thanks.
That's why I mentioned it. You had sounded like you felt guilty imposing on us. While helping yourself you are also helping others. The vast majority of readers don't post - you are helping some of them.
Ashley - that posts here often told me early on that all she wanted in return from me is to pay it forward to others. You can do the same someday although you are doing it more now than you realize.
I look forward to being a lifeguard once I learn how to swim ;)
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 06, 2019, 09:42:32 AM
I look forward to being a lifeguard once I learn how to swim ;)
Dear Emma, looking at your avatar picture, it seems that your are already a pretty darn good swimmer! Just have to build up some more stamina!
aw thanks Linde...:)
Ok I thought I would share my first time out in a dress. It was cold but I loved it.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 06, 2019, 11:10:37 AM
Ok I thought I would share my first time out in a dress. It was cold but I loved it.
You are a lovely looking woman! Elegant and sweet to look at!
No place to go but here...
My wife just came back from shopping with her cousin. They went clothing shopping and had fun jumping from dressing room to dressing room. I put on my regular "good for you" face "I'm glad you had fun" face but in my head is was screaming "do you know how much it hurts?".
I want to shop with her. I want to be her girl friend. I want to laugh as we try on clothes and run to the make up section. Sadly she doesn't understand nor has any idea the pain it causes me because she doesn't see me as a women...nor should she. Process, process' process.
It is a pain that I/we hide inside knowing that there is no place to go.
It is misery without outlet.
I am sorry again. I am abusing everyone's patience and I just can't find a safe outlet when this hits. I really hate this selfishness.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 06, 2019, 07:23:15 PM
No place to go but here...
My wife just came back from shopping with her cousin. They went clothing shopping and had fun jumping from dressing room to dressing room. I put on my regular "good for you" face "I'm glad you had fun" face but in my head is was screaming "do you know how much it hurts?".
I want to shop with her. I want to be her girl friend. I want to laugh as we try on clothes and run to the make up section. Sadly she doesn't understand nor has any idea the pain it causes me because she doesn't see me as a women...nor should she. Process, process' process.
It is a pain that I/we hide inside knowing that there is no place to go.
It is misery without outlet.
I am sorry again. I am abusing everyone's patience and I just can't find a safe outlet when this hits. I really hate this selfishness.
You are not abusing anybody's patience or time! Remember, this is a place of support, help, and understanding!
You and your wife will reach a point that you will go shopping for your or her stuff together! Give her some time! It is as hard for her as it is for you! The difference is that she does not feel the urge like you feel, because she is already there, in her right body!
Be happy that you have a loving wife! I have a lot of fun going out shopping with my girl friends, but once I am home, I am alone! You have your loving wife there, and at the right moment, you will go out shopping together, and have all the fun in the world!
Just give her and yourself some time to adjust! It will get better and better!
Just hang in there, don't give up!
Love and hugs
Linde
Dear Emma - no need to apologize. You are merely expressing what so many of us feel.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Emma - First, I am sorry you are hurting. A lifetime of pushing down the pain finally comes to the surface in this process. But it is healthy.
Second - PLEASE stop beating yourself up about opening up to us. It is cathartic. If you could only read my posts from 3 years ago on a different site. It was ALL about me. It helped me figure things out. This process takes time. We don't fix ourselves in a day or week or month. It takes months at best and usually a few years. I am still not entirely whole but much better than 3 years ago.
Please don't stop sharing these feelings. It is helping YOU and it is also helping OTHERS. Your thoughts allow us to support you but that support also is seen by others feeling like you.
BTW - I came back to edit this as I usually do LOL. As of this edit there are 6,942 views of this topic. Emma - I can tell you are intelligent. Would there be nearly 7,000 views if you were annoying people?
As I said previously this is going to be a 2 steps forward and one step back process. Keep sharing and keep letting us support you. We want to and I for one would be very sad if you 'shut down'.
I mean this - your pics are absolutely adorable. I don't give fake praise. If they weren't I just wouldn't mention it.
Hang in there - keep sharing.
Wow thank you all for helping this self-absorbed train wreck.
There are just too many times when I feel like my head is going to explode.
I do feel like crawling into an emotional corner and just curl up in a ball. I don't believe I will but the body blows keep hitting the same spots and, as for all of us, it has been going on for years.
I truly hope that this dialogue is helping others because I feel like I keep coming back for, what seems, my endlessly selfish needs.
I am just terrible at being selfish.
I will try to internalize the collective wisdom that has been shared with me that, over time, it will get better.
It just must.
Another big thank you to all.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 07, 2019, 07:13:11 AM
Wow thank you all for helping this self-absorbed train wreck.
There are just too many times when I feel like my head is going to explode.
I do feel like crawling into an emotional corner and just curl up in a ball. I don't believe I will but the body blows keep hitting the same spots and, as for all of us, it has been going on for years.
I truly hope that this dialogue is helping others because I feel like I keep coming back for, what seems, my endlessly selfish needs.
I am just terrible at being selfish.
I will try to internalize the collective wisdom that has been shared with me that, over time, it will get better.
It just must.
Another big thank you to all.
Hugs,
Emma
Now stop it already! You are anything but selfish, one just has to see how much you care about the well being of your family! You are in pain! One an feel it! Talking about mental pain is a healing process! it has to get out! And it can get out here, because we all understand it, and by letting go of it here, you help others, too!
Thank you for that bucket of ice cold water on my pity party Linde. I really needed that!
You are right. I have to stop whining. I need to suck it up more and reflect the courage that you and everyone else has shown me.
Transitioning is not easy for anyone but I am lucky to be among the strongest people I know.
I will continue to progress and I promise I will continue to share. I will not curl up in the corner. It accomplishes nothing.
I really want to be my avatar, all the time. :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 07, 2019, 08:12:17 AM
Thank you for that bucket of ice cold water on my pity party Linde. I really needed that!
You are right. I have to stop whining. I need to suck it up more and reflect the courage that you and everyone else has shown me.
Transitioning is not easy for anyone but I am lucky to be among the strongest people I know.
I will continue to progress and I promise I will continue to share. I will not curl up in the corner. It accomplishes nothing.
I really want to be my avatar, all the time. :)
That'a girl! I still think you are a very pretty, attractive woman the way you come down those stairs, or the way you were sitting on the couch!
Takes one to know one! ;) :)
Emma,
I don't recall reading in this thread if you have gone out is public as Emma. If not, find a TG support group that holds monthly meetings. Talk to your wife about how inportant this is to you. It is the best feeling in the world!!!
Hi Joanne: I have gone out in public but have not joined a support group. I am not good in groups. Thank you for your thoughts, Emma
I am in a support/social group. The reason I word it that way is we meet every 2 weeks. It is not a support group in the sense of in a psychologist office where you go around the room and share. Rather we get together and discuss a topic for 90 minutes. About 12 to 20 people attend.
The topic usually goes off on tangents and personal accounts but it is usually interesting. Then most of us go out to eat and or have a drink. So that's the social aspect.
The reason I bring this up is that Emma - you said you don't do well in support groups. Groups look very different they are not all the same. Also in my group about half of us do most of the talking and others just sit quietly and listen. But they keep showing up. I assume they are getting something out of it.
You should try a group. You don't have to be the center of attention there. ( you can be that here LMAO ;D ) Just teasing. But seriously you can attend a local group and keep a low profile. I was nervous the first couple of times I did but now I feel very at home. And if you don't like it after a few times then stop going.
Hi Kim:
I have held off looking for support groups because it would be exclusionary of my wife and I don't want her feeling isolated. I know any group would be welcoming but she won't be able to handle the reality of that meeting at this time. I am hoping that, with patience, she will be more accepting if I go. I am willing to wait.
Hugs,
Emma
I wasn't aware of how long this thread had become and the potential value it might be to others than just me and my needs until Kim pointed that out.
I am going to take the cue from Kim, Linde and all the veterans of this battle and share a more thorough summary of where I am and how I got here without dragging everyone through the 16 page thread.
I started therapy with a gender specialist in January, 2018. I was suffering from random panic attacks. It never happened to me before. I thought one session with her and I would be done. Absolutely wrong as this thread has proven.
I told my wife in February last year and blew her out of the water. We met in college and have been together 44 years. I have an absolute commitment to her but this process has put a maximum strain on both of us. I hope time and patience will be our savior.
Over the past year I have finally connected the scattered dots of my gender and started to form an undeniable picture that has forced me to accept, without question, that I am transgender. It took 62 years to get here.
Strangely, for 62 years I have never been depressed and could separate my "reality" from my "fantasies". Not realizing until now that I had them backwards.
With the therapy I started to take charge of me by changing my diet and increasing my exercise. I lost 35 pounds and I still eat pizza but my lunch is now yogurt and green tea. I do modified planks every day and stopped the Irish Catholic requirement of cleaning my plate.
I started finasteride in October and finally learned the courage from everyone here to start HRT. I use a low dose patch of Estradiol twice a week and take spiro once a day.
In the 3 1/2 months the big physical change is really soft skin and a slight growth beneath each nipple which are also more sensitive. Unfortunately no change in hair growth on my head. I hope over time it improves. sigh
Emotionally, a big change. I cry massively easier than ever in my life. I am more female aware, internally and externally. I find I hate men's clothing even more now. If you go back a month on this thread you will note that I have been an emotional wreck. I was NEVER like that 18 months ago.
I have decided to transition and will do everything I can, to go as slow and be as patient as I can to keep my wife with me.
Finally, yesterday I bought a GROUPON coupon for unlimited large and small area laser hair removal at a local shop. I can't do electrolysis yet for personal and professional reasons. I hope to at least get my eyes done in the Fall but that is very subject.
It's been a helluva year. I have learned that transitioning is definitely not boring...maybe I should have taken up golf :).
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 08, 2019, 05:33:27 AM
Hi Kim:
I have held off looking for support groups because it would be exclusionary of my wife and I don't want her feeling isolated. I know any group would be welcoming but she won't be able to handle the reality of that meeting at this time. I am hoping that, with patience, she will be more accepting if I go. I am willing to wait.
Hugs,
Emma
My group has a support group for spouses that meets at the same time. You might want to look into this, it might help her, too?
I appreciate the thought Linde but my wife is in deep denial. She has resisted all of my attempts at getting her to meet or see any third party.
Our dialogue is my monologue. I tell her when I go to therapy or the doctors and she just acknowledges without probing it any further.
It is functionally "don't ask don tell". I keep introducing the subject in small increments which, I hope over time, finds a way for greater dialogue. I comfort myself that we are light years ahead of last year and we are not separated.
Baby steps.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 08, 2019, 09:42:50 AM
I comfort myself that we are light years ahead of last year and we are not separated.
Baby steps.
Yes Emma, you are very lucky!
It did not work out for me, but neither of us, my wife or I, knew what was going on, and I could not seek help, because the resources were not there (or at least not know). i am still not really over it, after more than 16 years nw, because she was and still is the love of my life. at least we are girl friends now.
I hope that you do not have to go trough this very painfull experience, and find ways to stay together and be happy with each other!
And if you need to talk to people, we are always here, and ready to listen t you and hep, wherever we can.
Talking to us does not mean you burden us with your problems, but rather it helps others with similar problems to find help and understanding.
For me personally it makes my heart always jump of joy if a couple was able to stay together and master this very complicated journey. Each new contribution about a still working marriage, eases my pain a little!
Lots of hugs
Linde
Ok last photo. This is the first photo I ever took as Emma. I knew I was seeing me for the first time.
For vanity's sake it was before I lost the weight.
It was a life changing moment for me. I started to believe I could transition.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 09, 2019, 07:15:36 AM
Ok last photo. This is the first photo I ever took as Emma. I knew I was seeing me for the first time.
For vanity's sake it was before I lost the weight.
It was a life changing moment for me. I started to believe I could transition.
No matter if it is with weight, or without, you are a darn good looking woman!
You were seeing yourself exactly right!
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 09, 2019, 07:15:36 AM
Ok last photo. This is the first photo I ever took as Emma. I knew I was seeing me for the first time.
For vanity's sake it was before I lost the weight.
It was a life changing moment for me. I started to believe I could transition.
That is simply amazing pre-transition. You will be quite stunning when you are done, I'm thinking. Very late to the party, I finally read your whole thread. I sympathize with your situation. I too have a long-term relationship that feels very much endangered. It's not a lot of fun. Big virtual hug to you and best of luck.
Thank you Randim and Linde. You both look so happy in your photos. You can see the joy in your faces.
I have been so afraid for so long. Since I have recommitted to keeping this thread going I am going for full disclosure.
I have my avatars in the right time sequence. (Thank you Danielle for great photo insert instructions.) The first was my first as Emma. The second two were my first and second times walking out in public. The photos were taken by people who support me and you can see the trust in my smile. I was really happy each time.
(https://i.imgur.com/zgiHYpa.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/oehJpUU.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/XYQbZTk.jpg)
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 09, 2019, 10:31:43 AM
Thank you Randim and Linde. You both look so happy in your photos. You can see the joy in your faces.
I have been so afraid for so long. Since I have recommitted to keeping this thread going I am going for full disclosure.
I have my avatars in the right time sequence. (Thank you Danielle for great photo insert instructions.) The first was my first as Emma. The second two were my first and second times walking out in public. The photos were taken by people who support me and you can see the trust in my smile. I was really happy each time.
(https://i.imgur.com/zgiHYpa.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/oehJpUU.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/XYQbZTk.jpg)
You have such a very pretty face, so natural looking, and an absolute winning smile!
WOW! You look Great!!
Thanks Joanne and Linde. I just don't have the confidence yet. I still have the "everyone is staring at me" fears.
Wigs and makeup make the difference.
When I look in the mirror I still see the 63 year old guy. It will just take time and effort I guess.
Yes I agree that you do look great. Keep it going! Wishing you all kinds of goodness.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 09, 2019, 01:58:03 PM
Thanks Joanne and Linde. I just don't have the confidence yet. I still have the "everyone is staring at me" fears.
Wigs and makeup make the difference.
When I look in the mirror I still see the 63 year old guy. It will just take time and effort I guess.
Yes, they stare at you, because you look so great!
You might need to buy some new mirrors, those distorting mirrors from the carnival are not any good anymore! If I look at the pictures, I cannot see any guy, no matter how old, and I have a brand new monitor!
First - should have taken up golf :D No you shouldn't that's even more annoying. ;D
Second - 63? I knew that already but DAMN girl - you look great. I hate you LMAO !!!!!
So glad for you and others that you are All -In. I understand the situation with your wife - that I fear will be the hardest part for you. It works sometimes - I know a few. Other times not. :'(
Hang in there - we are here for you.
@Emma1017My Dear Emma:Wow-zers !!!... your into your HRT at the 2½ month point and it is
very obviously working very well for you...... you look absolutely beautiful in your photos... I am glad that you had no problems posting the pictures, it is a treat for all of us to see them.
I am so happy that you are keeping your thread frequently update... as you stated in one of your previous posts, your thread is indeed important for you. It allows you to chart your progress all in one spot and is a great place to post your successes that your followers can read and be joyful for you.... and also a place to vent your frustrations so that your followers can lend an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
All in all, this is very good personal therapy, please continue to take advantage of that... and please realize that all of us that follow your thread are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success and happiness.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle Quote from: Emma1017 on February 09, 2019, 10:31:43 AM
Thank you Randim and Linde. You both look so happy in your photos. You can see the joy in your faces.
I have been so afraid for so long. Since I have recommitted to keeping this thread going I am going for full disclosure.
I have my avatars in the right time sequence. (Thank you Danielle for great photo insert instructions.) The first was my first as Emma. The second two were my first and second times walking out in public. The photos were taken by people who support me and you can see the trust in my smile. I was really happy each time.
(https://i.imgur.com/zgiHYpa.jpg) (https://i.imgur.com/oehJpUU.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/XYQbZTk.jpg)
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on August 24, 2018, 02:46:42 PM
Hi Emma 1017,
You don't necessarily have to transition and cause a train wreck. You could allow some expression of your female self to release some pressure and anxiety. Your wife probably knows you care deeply but is already suffering enough grief for now.
Maybe talking to her and reassuring her might allow you to start HRT but only feminize as much as you are both comfortable with. She may even like a more serene you if you start HRT.
All I am trying to say is I know how you feel. I tried to soldier on to protect the integrity of my wife and family. I'm a dedicated husband but in the end outside of work and family duty I had to spend some time as my female self and got on HRT.
Most of the time I appear as the same old husband but I get to release the pressure of not having an aligned gender.
I feel for your situation - it is difficult whatever way you look at it. There are options between doing nothing and full transition though.
Even just HRT alone can provide relief without destroying the marriage - no one needs to know except the wife.
Wishing you both the best in a difficult time,
Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. I thought I was a minority of one.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 09, 2019, 01:58:03 PM
Thanks Joanne and Linde. I just don't have the confidence yet. I still have the "everyone is staring at me" fears.
Wigs and makeup make the difference.
When I look in the mirror I still see the 63 year old guy. It will just take time and effort I guess.
It is such a hard thing to unlearn everything we see in the mirror. I had up until a recent experience had some similar feelings. Personally if I saw you in the street I would take you for just another snappily dressed woman and no way would I put you at the age you are. You look fabulous :D
I think you are making a great effort and its your own perception that needs to change and you are right it may take a little time to "catch up"
Take care
Liz
Wow thank you all for the compliments. I was really nervous to post them and kept hesitating. Danielle you made it too easy so I couldn't back out :). The photos hide the wrinkles well.
I keep asking my self "what's next?" and then keep countering "are you out of your mind?" with a final "this is just crazy"...then I get angry and then I just start to tear up.
I am going slow but I just want to get it over with. I want to tell everyone and then I kiss my wife and the whole transition process stops but its like stopping a freight train by standing in front of it.
Thanks all for your love and support.
Hugs,
Emma
Two very interesting posts on this page - Plain Jane commenting on Kirsteneklund and Emma's response above.
In my mind gender is a spectrum just like sexuality. For example regarding sexuality some people are straight or gay or bi or asexual - it is all over the place. Same with gender. Most people are cis - some are trans - some are non binary etc etc.
Kirsten - points out an option to split the difference in order to save a marriage - and I think that is a good option for SOME people. For others their gender dysphoria (gender identity) is too much - trying to 'let off some of the pressure' is not enough. Living a lie becomes a poison for them and their spouse.
While I think the approach that Kirsten suggested and Jane pasted is a good solution for some people for others it can be devastating and only prolong a slow motion train wreck. Knowing the difference for YOU takes wisdom and courage.
I can certainly give my opinion about where I think someone is heading and where someone else is not but it is really for that person to decide with the assistance of their therapist and the support of others. But in the end we must have the courage to know ourselves and face who we really are. We owe it both to ourselves and those that we love. In trying to protect them from the truth we are only inflicting pain in the long run.
Quote from: KimOct on February 10, 2019, 04:06:48 PM
Two very interesting posts on this page - Plain Jane commenting on Kirsteneklund and Emma's response above.
In my mind gender is a spectrum just like sexuality. For example regarding sexuality some people are straight or gay or bi or asexual - it is all over the place. Same with gender. Most people are cis - some are trans - some are non binary etc etc.
Kirsten - points out an option to split the difference in order to save a marriage - and I think that is a good option for SOME people. For others their gender dysphoria (gender identity) is too much - trying to 'let off some of the pressure' is not enough. Living a lie becomes a poison for them and their spouse.
While I think the approach that Kirsten suggested and Jane pasted is a good solution for some people for others it can be devastating and only prolong a slow motion train wreck. Knowing the difference for YOU takes wisdom and courage.
I can certainly give my opinion about where I think someone is heading and where someone else is not but it is really for that person to decide with the assistance of their therapist and the support of others. But in the end we must have the courage to know ourselves and face who we really are. We owe it both to ourselves and those that we love. In trying to protect them from the truth we are only inflicting pain in the long run.
Very good points Kim!
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Wow!
Wow, it has been a remarkable experience over these last few months. I have learned so much and all of it about me.
I really had no idea even though the information has been in front of my face all my life. It is humbling.
I just read Kim and Kristen's comment over and over again. Wow
All I have been doing over these months is try and pick my piece of the gender spectrum. Testosterone, social conditioning and male stereotyping built this huge wall in my face so I really couldn't see. With my strong and deep relationship with my wife, I didn't want to see. I was scared and I still am.
It has taken this long to recognize that. I just looked at the photos I posted earlier, I mean really looked at them. I finally really have taken to heart that they a real and deep smiles. I have stopped blocking what those smiles really mean...I was happy each time. I feel like my soul finally saw its reflection.
I am not going to stand in front of my own rolling train and I will use everything in my power to protect my wife.
I just can't stop the train.
That is my choice on the gender spectrum. I wish everyone best wishes to find their own place. You deserve it!
Hugs,
Emma
Emma I weigh in a lot on your thread because I can feel what is going on inside. You are doing great at reflecting on yourself and how your entire life led to this point.
You said that you are scared. Well to be honest you should be. This is a big deal. Your marriage - your relationship to friends and family - your relationship to the rest of society. IMO anyone that is not scared is crazy.
To paraphrase one of my favorite sayings "Courage is not the lack of fear, courage is being afraid but doing it anyway".
You know who you are - now go live it.
@Emma1017 Dear Emma:It is done, this.. your personal transition thread "Which hurts less" is now
in the
Transsexual Talk section of the forums.
I am looking so very forward to continuing following your updates and your life endeavors in your transition journey on your thread here and also your other posts on various threads around the forums.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle
Emma - You're a celebrity :D
Hugs
Not sure about celebrity. Is this a promotion?
I want to say that I agree that Kim makes an excellent point and that my particular weird place is just that. Unusual that the problem is 99% internal. The dangely bits - thanks to whoever invented the orchiectomy. And the hormonal wiring which HRT has addressed.
And so I don't goof up the intent of this great thread may I say your pictures look stunning. Whatever your doing just keep doing it!
Jane we are all in a weird place. Thankfully we share. A year ago I was all alone. I have met you and everyone else who has shared, so we share this weird place together. That matters.
Thank you for the compliment but its all makeup and a blurred camera lens...plus I was really happy. Thanks.
Hugs,
Emma
Just a quick update:
I just reviewed my second blood test with my endocrinologist. My potassium is under control. Yay. And my testosterone is nominally zero and my estrogen doubled from 65 to 131, YAY!!!
She doesn't think I need to increase it and she said "see you in June".
I feel joy and fear all at the same time.
Hugs,
Emma
Sometimes it can be frightening to take a path other than the one you are used to, but it won't take long for you to know whether or not this is the right path. I was scared to death when I started HRT, but I knew it was the only way I would live, my anger had reached the point where I could not always control it.
Congrats on your latest test results! It looks like you are off to a great start.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Thank you Jessica Rose for your thoughts. I agree my anger also tells me that I must transition. I am just having acceptance issues, for me and absolutely for my wife. I hope time will be the answer.
More importantly warmest wishes on your upcoming surgery. I hope you achieve everything you desire and more.
Hugs,
Emma
Thanks Emma.
Time and patience are our friend. There were many times during my journey when I was certain our marriage was over. It took about 18 months before my wife started realizing how much of a positive impact this was having on our lives. My wife's smile has returned, along with her laugh. She is happier now than she has been in a very long time. She has told me there is only one thing she will miss, but I'm sure we can find a suitable substitute!
For myself, I accepted it immediately. My anger had reached toxic levels. At one point I came close to ending my life and taking the lives of my wife and daughters as well. Once I realized the source of my anger everything made sense, and I knew there was only one real choice. I hope you and your wife can find a way to accept this, and I wish both of you the best of luck!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Hi Jessica Rose:
I agree, time and patience. My therapist keeps saying "process, process, process." The combination of the two, I hope, will get us to where you and your wife are now.
This thread started with my life in chaos. I felt like it came out of nowhere. I was drowning and I was taking everyone with me.
Now I know better.
I really want to get joy back into my life. Sharing your experience, as others have, gives me hope (without guarantees) that it is possible.
Warm hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma,
Your thread is giving me hope that I can work out my own journey with my wife of 33 years. Thanks so much for sharing all of this over time.
hugs
Terri
Hi Terri:
The one thing that I have learned here is that everyone shares and everyone gives you hope. It constantly humbles me.
Warm hug back,
Emma
Someone noticed I said "if I transition" recently in a post.
The "if" is my defense/denial mechanism. It is still trying to make me stop and face "reality".
I can't.
The train is rolling and if I stand in front of it, it's not going to stop. Emma keeps pulling me off the tracks.
I am using time in the hope that my wife will understand, accept and stay with me. She has no idea of the incredible pain and agony this has caused me but I know she senses it. We have been together way too long and through too much for her to miss it. I am sure, like me, that she wishes it would just go away.
I keep asking myself "what's next?" and no longer "if".
Hugs,
Emma
Are you and your wife doing any kind of joint therapy? That might be helpful if she is willing to do it.
Hi Radim:
Unfortunately my wife has built up a massive wall of resistance. She has refused individual and couple counseling but this is not new. There have been other reasons throughout the years that I have felt she could have benefited from counseling but she has always refused. She believes in sucking it up. I operated the same way until this hit me.
I hope that the "wall" can slowly be eroded as her denial begins to recognize the reality of my situation. In her defense I still have difficulty accepting this reality as well and I deal with it 24/7. She doesn't.
Emma is all internal. I have never shared the photos or even the fact that I dressed en femme with her. My wife's only physical clue is that I am seeing a therapist and that I am on HRT.
Externally I am massively male. I have had a life time of practice and I do it very well. I still do DIY construction projects, ski, scuba dive and hang with the husbands.... and I just want to go shopping for a nice pair of heels.
When (I actually started this sentence with "if") I come out, it will blow people away.
I am frustrated that I have no idea what to do next and when. Its like piloting a boat in the fog and not knowing the way and all I hear is the crashing of the waves against cliffs I can't see.
I will go slow and hope for clarity. The cliffs scare me.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma,
Your situation has some similarities with mine. My preferred analogy is being swept away by a tide rather than facing a train, but it works out about the same. My wife of 35 years is also non-supportive, to the point where we do not talk about it, even though I realize this is rapidly becoming untenable. It is good that your wife knows you are on hormones. If she is ok with that, she may well come to accept Emma. My therapist has been having me work on a letter to my wife. That might be something for you to consider. You can at least present your feelings in some detail that way. Best wishes.
Hi Randim:
I tried a letter last year, month or so after I told her I wanted to get a sex change. I thought I would leave it on the table for her to read privately. Wrong. It upset her even more, although I don't think there was a chance of me getting it right. She was very raw.
A month ago I tried a different strategy. I wrote this earlier in my thread and printed it for her. I sat next to her while she read it this time. It was anticlimactic, said she already knew all this:
1. It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2. It is not a choice. It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male
socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3. The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older. It just gets stronger as those
layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4. The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5. Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast. Family and friends generally lack the capacity to
support, help or understand. In most instances they do the complete opposite.
6. Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7. You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort
and distress.
8. On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weight of guilt on your shoulders for
something you didn't choose.
9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally
understand. If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you may have
selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.
10. When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the
greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.
So I am opting for denial erosion. If the elephant is in the room at some point you have to deal with it. The slow go process is actually helping me as well.
Best regards,
Emma
Emma You are an intelligent insightful woman, you WILL get through this. I am reminded of a relationship of mine. After my divorce following 18 years of marriage I reconnected with an old flame that we had been on and off our entire lives. It was toxic and I could spend pages explaining it. The reason I bring it up is that I got advice from family and friends about the logical thing to do. I would not see it. The emotions were in the way and it was very difficult.
Emotions run extremely high regarding transition it impacts every aspect of our lives. We fear that loved ones will reject us, how society will treat us, employment, money issues, physical challenges, our own insecurities about our appearance, our own internalized transphobia, and sexual/romantic relationships.
This is a HUGE deal especially for those of us raised before society began to accept us.
In short you should be scared. And due to these emotions you will feel like you are heading toward the cliffs through the fog. You are not. It is just the emotions of a difficult but necessary path. This too shall pass.
Based on everything I said the obvious question is why do this? Because if you don't you will be miserable going forward and a miserable person impacts everyone around them. You can find happiness. Is life all rainbows and unicorns after transition? Of course not. But I definitely don't regret it. And you will not either.
I understand why you are taking your time but life is short. It really is I know from experience. Prolonging this is not healthy for anyone. There is a fine line between letting your wife accept this and simply trying to wear her down. The latter won't work. Sorry for the bluntness but it is my belief.
Always here to support you.
Hi there Emma. I know what you're going through, as I did some years ago myself, with my wife of over three decades. My coming out was by accident, and was a shock to us both. I won't go into the details of how this came about, but let me cut to the chase. It was difficult for us both. We remained together as an intimate couple, came out to the family and church and work, some of which was a disaster. We led a very happy life until her passing several years ago. One of her favorite things to say was, "The more I talk to my married friends, the more I appreciate having a wife"
So, everyone's mileage varies, and back when I came out, around twenty four years ago, it was generally more difficult socially. Only you can make decisions of this nature, and I would not base them on other peoples' experiences. It's good to have some notion, though, of how it turned out for some of us. I know more people it didn't work out for than people it did. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best in your journey
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 14, 2019, 10:45:33 AM
When (I actually started this sentence with "if") I come out, it will blow people away.
Hugs,
Emma
I think many of us had that experience. I was told that I was such a very manly man. Nobody knew that the reason I was so manly was, because I overcompensated for not being a real man at all!
Quote from: Ms Bev on February 14, 2019, 07:01:12 PM
Only you can make decisions of this nature, and I would not base them on other peoples' experiences. It's good to have some notion, though, of how it turned out for some of us. I know more people it didn't work out for than people it did. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best in your journey
I think everything Bev said was important but particularly the quote above. I give lots of opinions here and IRL and some of my opinions border on 'tough love'. I am actually a very nice and amiable person. I did a corporate personality test and I was in the amiable/amiable category.
The reason I tend to push the tough love positions is that is what helped me when I was transitioning. It woke me up and caused me to make tough decisions and to push myself. That is all I ever intend on this website.
The reason I quoted Bev is that she is exactly right. Each of us offer only our own experiences and opinions. At the end of the day everyone needs to make these decisions themselves. The way to utilize everyone's advice is to take what rings true to you and forget the rest. Even if that includes me sometimes. :D
I have a lot of faith in you Emma but more importantly I wish both you and your wife happiness or at least peace.
Quote from: Ms Bev on February 14, 2019, 07:01:12 PM
Hi there Emma. I know what you're going through, as I did some years ago myself, with my wife of over three decades. My coming out was by accident, and was a shock to us both. I won't go into the details of how this came about, but let me cut to the chase. It was difficult for us both. We remained together as an intimate couple, came out to the family and church and work, some of which was a disaster. We led a very happy life until her passing several years ago. One of her favorite things to say was, "The more I talk to my married friends, the more I appreciate having a wife"
So, everyone's mileage varies, and back when I came out, around twenty four years ago, it was generally more difficult socially. Only you can make decisions of this nature, and I would not base them on other peoples' experiences. It's good to have some notion, though, of how it turned out for some of us. I know more people it didn't work out for than people it did. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best in your journey
"The more I talk to my married friends, the more I appreciate having a wife" This is fantastic. I'm sorry btw about your wife passing. She sounds pretty amazing. My wife is probably (I hope) thinking that HRT is cause for a similar situiation. Not being that keen on the binary emotions that large amounts of testosterone seem to generate (or would it be regulate? Limit?) I hope you post more about your experience it gives hope!
Thank you Kim, Bev, Linde and Jane for your thoughts and support.
Every day I touch my skin and feel this wonder softness and I smile. At different times in the day I touch my breasts and feel the difference and I smile.
I shared my photos with you as Emma and she always smiles.
There is no way on earth that I am going to stop. I am looking forward to being the woman that is in my heart.
I love Emma's smile.
It is this path of broken emotional glass that I need to pass. I fear the pain I will cause my wife. I am confused by what I need to do next. I am afraid to make regrettable mistakes.
I know this is the adult stuff but the next crossroad is approaching fast and I am afraid I am not ready.
There is the constant assault of doubt, some of it just physical worries. I am 6 foot tall. My hair is thin and receded. Can I accepted the stares or nervous glances? Will I see pity in peoples eyes? Will my wife survive the embarrassment and pain I will cause her?
The list goes on and on. I know this is absolutely not unique to me and I know this continues to be a very selfish thread but I committed myself to share my process.
I have no other place to put this in words and hope they are more useful to others than my obvious need for public therapy.
Hugs,
Emma
Emma, all I see in your photos is a beautiful woman. Hopefully I'm not repeating myself here, but when I started my journey I was sure I would be an ugly woman. In addition I am 6" 1', and wear size 13 women's shoes! But I knew I didn't have a choice, and I didn't give my wife any say in it either. She was mad as hell, but I kept moving forward. She finally began accepting it about six months after I went full-time, and now she is happier than ever.
There is indeed a lot we must overcome, some personal -- how we look, our voice, our mannerisms, our relationships; and some public -- how others perceive us. It isn't easy and it takes time, but the only other choice is a lifetime of misery. It gets better, just give it a chance.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Emma, I want to tell you a little story about myself. You might know that I am fully out, and live full time as a woman for a while now. But you also might know that I can change genders at ill without any dysphoria. But my friends don't like it, and feel that I might not like it either.
They tell me that my eyes look dull and lifeless when I am in guy mode, but sparkle like stars once I am a woman again. Thy se this happening over and over again with me!
I hope your wife will feel the same as my friends do, once she has seen your eyes sparkle and shine, when you are a woman!
My hope/fantasy is that we stay together and just have fun like we have had for most of our life together.
I want her fashion advice. I want her help applying makeup. I want to fight with her about whether the skirt length is too short. I want her to laugh as I trip wearing high heels.
I want to be able to hug and kiss her with the same love and tenderness that we share now. I want to walk down the street arm in arm or holding hands and never have her feel embarrassed, mocked or ashamed.
I know this is hoping too much but I will hope. I have no other choice.
UGH Emma - You almost made me cry, that last post was so sweet. You do have the courage to do this. Just look at the courage you have shown by continuing this thread. There are almost 8000 views. You are opening up a very private and difficult journey for the benefit of others.
I know this was in large part therapy for you but I am positive you would have quit the thread if you did not realize it was also helping others.
I don't know your wife and no-one knows what is going to happen I truly wish it is close to your dream. It is a lot to ask but I have friends that it does work, and many others it doesn't. One thing I strongly believe is if you don't follow this path neither of you will be happy. At least with this path there is hope.
BTW I am 6'2" you are petite :D
I got lucky on the hair thing but most transwomen wear wigs and many cis middle age women too.
My usual addition - Regarding people staring etc - yeah it was hard at first. Most people aren't paying attention to tell the truth - I get stares once in awhile - but most of it is in our heads and it goes away. Well almost entirely.
Ok full disclosure, two large glasses of red wine.
It tears down my defenses and yes I am crying. I really hate this. I hate the uncertainty, I hate the pain, I hate the fear of hurting others, I just really, really, really just want to be me.
I am tired, really tired of the battle. I hate when my thoughts get really dark (don't worry I am not there. I would never because it would be an insult to my son who fought 5+ against leukemia just to live).
I just want peace.
Kim you are right I would have ended this tread pages ago. This has become a responsibility. I'm OK with it but I have such guilt when I slip into another pity party like this.
I know its the wine and there is no one in the room to stop me. I just can't stop crying.
Time to take a break...If I wasn't so selfish I would just delete this. Sorry
Emma - You will be OK - I am positive. This is emotional stuff and you are also on estrogen - I know I am more emotional but it's not just the estrogen this is tough. You will be OK.
Huge Hug.
Sorry for last night. I used to be tougher.
Emma,
No apology required! We all have expeirenced similar emotions.
Hugs,
Joanne
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 16, 2019, 08:32:56 AM
Sorry for last night. I used to be tougher.
Emma, Tough is easy. Crying is harder. And you, me, everybody on this site has good reason to cry from time to time. Trans is difficult.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 16, 2019, 08:32:56 AM
Sorry for last night. I used to be tougher.
I thought I was the toughest person in tarnation! I cried last week for a solid 8 hours, because all the suppressed sadness had floated to the top!
Those sad thoughts get out the best with a healthy helping of tears! Let them run girl, just let them run!
Linde
This is not just to Emma but to everyone that is hurting. We bury this stuff for a lifetime. When it comes out it hurts.
A Lot.
Being tough is facing your pain and fears. Emma you are tough - you are doing it. Eventually the pain starts to heal after we face it.
Going radio silent. I need to heal. Sorry
Emma take some time to take care of yourself. You have nothing to apologise about. Take care
Liz
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
We are here when you are ready.
Hi Emma,
A few thoughts...
You mentioned that a sympathetic friend shot the photos of Beautiful You :) that you've shared. (Again, I can't encourage you strongly enough to remember how you felt when these were taken and let that continue to be your inspiration!) Is this person someone who can also support you in a broader social sense during your transition?
Are you ready to set your forum gender marker to "F"? You can always change or remove it if you decide to, but seeing "Gender: 'F'" display with your messages when you're here is one of those wonderful little things that can have a very supportive overall impact on your sense of self and confidence.
In my experience, anyone who recognizes that they are in pain but refuses therapy does so for one of three reasons:
The first reason is because they feel deeply insecure and are deeply ashamed of something or some things that they perceive within themselves that they are afraid will be exposed to the whole world if they see a therapist. So a good strategy in this case can be emphasizing the strict confidentiality of therapy.
The second reason is because they believe that there is no point in therapy because it won't change the real world circumstances that are causing them so much pain. So a good strategy in this case can be emphasizing that therapy is exactly analogous to having a broken bone set and cast to hasten healing.
The third reason is the most difficult to overcome. Some people develop a dysfunctional attachment to being unhappy and projecting it on those around them, often as as a way of attempting to control others. In this case, there is little that can be done to suggest the value of therapy other than letting the individual in question discover their reality for themselves.
Which brings me to my next thought, which might be scary to consider, but even as a mental exercise might be worth considering.
If you have the financial means to do so, might it be possible for you to rent a small apartment close to your home? The advantages of having this psychological "life boat" could be twofold.
First, it would give you the chance to more freely and openly express your female self for as long as you needed without having to constantly worry about anything or anyone else in your immediate environment.
And second, it would give both you and your wife time to process everything without the distraction of constantly thinking about how the other was thinking and feeling while sharing the same space, which sounds like has been more than a little toxic since you came out to her.
To say nothing of the fact that a little absence might make the heart grow fonder and more accepting for her. And even if it doesn't accomplish this, a taste of "soft separation" might clarify what you both value and want or don't want in your relationship going forward.
For whatever it may be worth.
;)
eHug
A couple thoughts regarding EV's comments and some other stuff.
I understand Emma's need to step away for a bit - whether that be until tomorrow or next week or whenever. This is a roller-coaster ride and I remember how difficult it was early on. Sometimes you just need a breather to decompress.
I don't want to speak too much about Emma specifically during her absence (if you are reading Emma we support you)
but I do think EV brings up some interesting points regarding therapy. Many people are very adverse to therapy for a variety of reasons including the ones EV mentioned. Additionally when you throw the transgender husband issue into the mix I have to think that is going to scare many wives off the idea of doing therapy.
I had a very intense yet toxic relationship with an old flame immediately after my divorce. There were enormous issues but our attraction was so intense. I suggested couples counseling and she would have none of it. She went so far as to say these exact words ' I will go but if anything is blamed on me I am out of there'. We never went. What was the point after that statement?
This stuff is hard - when you have a spouse that is afraid their life is about to be turned upside down it has to be a lot harder. Yet we can't change who we are even to protect those that we love. If we keep it in the closet it is only going to turn into something ugly.
I told Emma in this thread that this is not just for her ( although mostly it is ) but it is also for those reading it. I think the continued discussion in general is still a good thing so long as we are not too specific regarding Emma.
If you are reading Emma we are thinking of you. Hang in there.
Have you ever gone down hill on a bike and suddenly realized you were going too fast. You feel the fear building and you pray you do not crash. The fear doesn't leave until you know the brakes are working.
That's what happened to me the other day.
We were invited to friends wedding. It was a big neighborhood one with 300+ people. We knew many of them. It was very binary. The groom was a fireman so there were 50 firemen (I live in NYC) with their wives.
I really really love to dance and when my wife gets tired I am constantly asked to dance by other wives and girlfriends. Its when I feel most female.
We went bar hopping until 2:30 am. I danced everywhere and as I drank more, I let Emma dance more. I felt the bike accelerate and it scared the hell out of me. I was losing control of ME.
I'm not schizoid but we all have the public and private images that we show or hide. I am not ready to come out and I was very scared. I live in a very binary world.
I wanted to slow down and I needed to spend more time processing this.
I am still very scared.
Uncharacteristically for me I am not going to give any advice this time :D I just want you to know that there are many people here that care about what is going on with you and how you are doing. I have been thinking of you and hoping you are OK.
NYC huh? I used to live on 75th between 1st and York. 440 E 75th - the worst building in a very expensive neighborhood.
I remember having pieces of my old life that I enjoyed coming up as I was about to transition. It was hard, I felt like I was going to leave a piece of me behind.
Hugs
I am afraid to let go. There is a comfort of everything as is. I know I have irreversibly changed but I hold on, dangling by my emotional finger tips, afraid to let go.
I have never known such emotional fear. It is so drowning. That's why I ran away from here the other day....and that's why I came back.
Until I force something or something is forced on me, nothing changes except me and very slowly. At least I won't stop the HRT. I feel like I am stuck and its my fault.
I want to stop writing because this has got to be boring and repetitious.
How does this help?
I have been playing this song a lot and I cry:
This Is Me
Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies,
this is me
I hope this helps.
I am going to read this whole thread, but wanted to comment right away because you ask such a poignant question and one I am trying to answer. I'm married and I am hurting my wife but I don't know if I can survive without transitioning.
I feel for you so much.
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Dana I am sorry that you are hurting too. I hope something on this site gives you insight and or strength.
Emma - I know that I have been encouraging you to continue to share and talk about these feelings but obviously it is your decision. If you want to step away for whatever time you want to that is up to what is in your heart.
Both for you and those following this I want to share my experience from transitioning because it may provide some perspective. I knew my entire life since I was 5 that I wished I was born a girl like many of us did. So why did I wait until I was 55 years old? Because I thought I would look ridiculous and that people would think I am crazy or that there is something wrong with me. I didn't want to be the subject of ridicule or rejected by my friends, my family or even strangers.
But think about what I just wrote. Why would I fear or expect any of those things. Because I lived in the same world as all of you. We are exposed to so much in this world that teaches us to be embarrassed and ashamed. Ultimately we learn to have the thing I talk about so much - internalized transphobia.
You know what? It is a bunch of crap. Think about gay people. Society has changed. Most reasonable people no longer have a problem with gay people. Transgender acceptance is coming. I think we are a generation behind the gay rights movement.
But we live in this moment, in this time. We are who we are. The challenge to us is to reject all of the crap that we have absorbed our entire lives that tells us that there is something wrong with us. There are many theories and studies that have been done regarding what causes people to be trans. I think it is worth reading when you are first coming to terms with this but at the end of the day it is who we are and not why we are.
Emma ( and others struggling ) really get inside yourself and sort this out. Why are you so afraid? I was and the reasons I state above are why.
Why are you afraid? I'm not saying you shouldn't be rather I am asking you to ask yourself what is this fear based on?
That you will be rejected? Laughed at? Lose people? Look strange? What is it?
The answer is your own transphobia. If you thought there was nothing for others to judge you about then you wouldn't fear all that you do. If your hair was red would you be ashamed and care what others think? Of course not you would think that people that judge you for your hair color are idiots. Well if it wasn't for how we have been conditioned then being transgender would be no different than any other characteristic.
The way to overcome the fear is to figure out what is causing it and then BEAT the fear. Courage is being afraid of something but doing it anyway. Not everyone is up to this. They don't want or need it enough but that is something that only each of us can decide.
As Emma said in the title months ago - Which hurts less? Only you can decide.
To Emma and Dana and anyone else that feels the same I wish you all peace.
You are right Kim. Its all just panic attacks. I am transitioning and I am trying to control it.
I want my wife to stay. I believe that with glacier speed (growing ice not melting) she will choose to stay with me. I am not sure but as you and others have said, she has to choose.
My choice was made weeks ago when I realized that I would take a bullet for her but I can't live the rest of my life with the endless emotional slices being cut from my soul. I just can't.
I have to stay on my job for 2 more years. I am professionally committed. I have to present male for that long.
I hope the HRT gives me that time, YMMV. In the meantime I have a lot to learn.
I have taken your advice EV, I have changed my gender marker to "F" on this site. You are right, it felt good.
Yes Kim I will keep this thread going. If it helps anyone survive this jungle that's all that matters.
Thank you all for being patient with me.
Hugs,
Emma
Kim is exactly right, and I could not have explained it any better. We are scared to come out because we are terrified of how people will react. I knew this would turn my life upside down. My wife took it very hard. I hated knowing how much pain I was causing my wife, but it was the only way for me to continue living.
Emma, you may need to wear sports bras and baggy shirts to help hide your new accessories, but with a little creativity I expect you can keep things hidden for a few more years if necessary. I came out earlier than planned because I simply grew tired of hiding the truth.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Hi Jessica Rose:
I am committed to transitioning. That said I will need lots of advice on how to do so successfully. Thank you starting with the practical...a sports bra.
I bought one for one of the days that I walked out as Emma so I have a head start.
I am at the end of my third month of HRT. There is a slight change in my breasts. I see it because I am looking really hard. I totally get "YMMV" but I am hoping that I get through the summer without them being noticeable. I figure in 18 months the cat will be out of the bag, hopefully just in my personal life.
I hope that my wife and I will have more clarity in the Fall. I want the next 6 months to give her time to process.
She knows that I am on HRT. At some point I think we will have to confront the obvious, particularly if my chest can't be ignored. It will force the issue even if we can't find a away to deal with it sooner.
Hugs,
Emma
Hey Dana:
This is scary and painful. I hope my thread cuts through some of the pain and confusion you feel. If not, you know that there are some excellent people here that only want to help.
Best wishes,
Emma
Emma - Another thing I learned about this journey is that plans need to be made. IMO that is the only way to get going.
Although plans are a necessary starting point - things change. My strong guess is that this journey will evolve in ways you don't expect today. Mine ended up dramatically different than I thought but that is the nature of all things in life but particularly this path.
As always wishing you the very best.
@Emma, it is eerie how we seem to be mirroring each other. I am also at the end of my 3rd month and am having similar results.
My wife also knows I am on HRT but seems to be ignoring the issue (like completely, you'd think everything was the same as always. She even says the way she deals with it is by not thinking about it). I am also both scared and hopeful that something forces the issue. I also am hoping to stay closeted at work for the next 18 months or so.
One thing that has been helpful is couples counseling. We literally never talk about this issue at home, but the counselor gives us a safe space to air things out. It's probably not the healthiest solution but it's all that's working right now. I don't know what I hope for. I am getting a little frustrated that I have to hide some of my developments at home, but I also don't want to hurt my wife or let this wonderful thing end.
I just want you to know I seem to be in the same spot as you.
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Kim when I read your post I just laughed......"Although plans are a necessary starting point - things change." ...wow I think finding out I am transgender at age 63 is the mother of upsetting the best laid plans.
I never saw this coming and had no clue 18 months ago. Then I was a guy contemplating what I wanted to do in retirement. 18 months later I suddenly have new "hobbies"... :D
But then again I have also met some really great people!
I think HRT and YMMV will set the pace of my planning but who knows what new landmines or pleasant surprises are out there on this journey.
I have learned from you and everyone else here that not everything is dark.
I bumped into this quote today:
"Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the ability to act in the presence of fear."---Bruce Lee
Emma, I never expected this either!
On my first day at work as Jessica we went out to lunch at Ted's Montana Grill. It didn't take long for me to notice the drink coasters, I kept one as a souvenir. It had a quote attributed to John Wayne:
Courage means saddling up even though you are scared to death.
This isn't easy, but seeing others on these forums who have successfully transitioned made me realize that I could do it too!
Hey Dana:
You have an advantage on me. My wife absolutely refuses to go to any counseling.
I agree that we are going through one of the most profound non-life threatening human experiences there is and the most important person in our life rejects it.
They don't seem to understand that this is NOT a choice. Who in their right mind would choose this?
Honestly when Bruce Jenner announced he was transgender I had significant problems understanding it as well. There is just no social support for this concept.
I wish I could truly share the incredible pain and agony this has caused me. It might create more sympathy but this is all an alien world to our spouses, friends and family.
It is absolutely clear to me that I must transition and it is with incredibly painful recognition that it doesn't depend on my wife accepting it.
I have tried every other option other than transitioning and I now understand they won't work for me. I never really had a viable choice.
I hope we don't lose too much in the process and that our wives can rise above simply being tolerant.
I want my best friend back.
Hugs,
Emma
Jessica Rose:
I was so impressed by your video. It was absolutely great! You were very impressive and you epitomize "courage".
Wow,
Emma
Hi Emma,
I can't believe I missed this thread until now. Your life has a lot of similarities to mine.
Thank you so much for posting your journey.
Paige :)
Hi Paige:
You start off feeling alone and then you come here and discover you are not. There are so many parallels that we all share.
I'm glad you felt this thread was useful.
Emma
Emma - I feel your strength returning. This is a roller coaster ride. You will hit low spots again but you will prevail.
Thanks Kim.
I recently wrote this and I figure I am a year away from sharing this with family and friends. Feedback would be appreciated. Thanks, Emma
To my family and friends:
I have been battling all my life with a condition that is known as gender dysphoria.
I have only recently been able to piece together the fragments in my life that has allowed me to finally understand the personal pain that I have hidden from myself, my family and my friends.
I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
I am transgender. It is clinically undeniable.
In order to achieve any peace in my life I have been force to make a very painful and irreversible decision, I intend to transition. That means the male exterior that you have known throughout our relationship will transition into the female gender I have been holding inside of me all these years.
This was as shocking to me as I know it is shocking to you. I cannot describe the incredible emotional suffering this has caused me and the incredible strain this has put on my wife and son.
I have tried every conceivable way to keep this from happening. Other than death or a life of continued despair and torment, there are none for me.
I would willingly take a bullet for my family but, unfortunately this is a slow death of endless slices taken against my emotional soul. My family would inevitably share in my suffering.
If you truly know me, you know that I despise drama. This is real and my only path of relief is through transition.
I know for those who have cruel hearts, they will enjoy the endless "Caitlyn Jenner" jokes that will follow. I would love to have them have the guts to say these slanders to my face and, regardless of my gender, kick their teeth in but we know them for the gutless, back-stabbers that they are.
I also know that many of you will not be able to process this or accept the reality of my situation. To you I wish a happy and peaceful life.
For everyone else, I am still me. I will continue to be your family, your friend and I will always be there if you need me. I am just correcting an error at birth that mistakenly mixed my gender and my sex.
If you are still reading this, I know this all seems confusing. It has taken me months of therapy, personal searching and self-examination to get to this point. I have attached a very brief summary of what I have learned. We all know the internet will provide you with an endless supply of more.
Sadly, I have been there for everyone who has ever needed me for the pain and suffering in their lives. Tragically, this is the only time in my life that I need others and I expect that many will lack the capacity or desire to be there for me. There are many times that I wished I had a mortal disease to spark the support that I need.
With gender dysphoria, I am expecting none.
I hope you can come to an understanding, I hope that we can continue our relationship, I hope that you can help and support me through this painful process and I hope we can continue to share the happiness that this life can provide.
From my heart,
Me
I am replying endlessly to every thread because I have a few days off of work and I have apparently been successful in my job search YAY with a pending offer. So no job hunting and no work until Friday means endless droning on from me.
Aren't you all lucky? :D
Emma - I think large parts of your letter were great, as I always am I will be honest. IMO parts of it are a bit angry particularly the 'kick your teeth in' paragraph. It seems to me you are being very defensive and anticipating negative reactions. Fortunately I think when the time comes you will be pleasantly surprised.
Will every single person in your life be supporting and accepting ( two different things) probably not. But most probably will. And the ones that don't for the most part will not be nearly as rude as you expect. Let me be clear - it won't all be rainbows but you are anticipating the worst case scenario so much so that I think it is extremely unlikely.
I do think this letter is worthwhile and has some great points and is a good first draft. Also it is therapeutic for you in terms of preparing yourself and thinking this through so in short nice job. But just like a paper for school I would consider this your first draft and the appropriate editing will come to you in time.
I think you are projecting your fears onto your audience. I also think that they love you more than you give them credit for.
Signed,
The president of the Emma fan club
Sorry Kim I may be a woman but I have a long ways to go to be a lady.
Yes I am angry and I guess it shows. I have always hated intolerance and now I understand that we are victims of it in the worst way.
I really don't feel defensive any more. I actually feel the opposite and I believe the best defense is a great offense.
My letter was aimed at those who will understand, those who might understand, those that honestly can't and those cretins who feed of the pain of others. Unfortunately the last group does exist in my life.
I will not let those cretins hide and I will call them out. I will take your advice though and not kick their in the teeth... ;)
It is a first draft and I may never send it out broadcast style. I don't want to embarrass my wife or son so I will deal with it when I decide to come out. There is time.
I just wanted feedback and I appreciate it.
By the way, you know the presidency is an unpaid position.... ;D
@Emma1017 Dear Emma: I love the letter that you wrote trying to set everything straight about your transition.
In my opinion
@KimOct was correct about words of anger.
I think it is always best to
take the high road, don't burn bridges and don't say things in the heat of the moment that you may regret later in life. Words of anger, either verbal or written can never be taken back and will usually be remembered in a bad way.
I am really enjoying your personal transition thread... as we discussed in previous comments, your thread is your journal that you can share your successes and safely share your frustrations. Your followers are here to rejoice with you when you report good news and when the news is not so good we are here to lend our ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. Venting and writing about events in your life is very good personal therapy, it lets you ponder your issues and hopefully formulate positive solutions.
I will continue to eagerly look for your updates as you feel so led to post them here or around the various forums threads.
Hugs and best wishes to you as always,
Danielle
Isn't $1.00 per year customary as some sort of acknowledgment of the position? :D
I like the idea of a mass blast to come out. In my case I told most people one on one but I did eventually Facebook it to let people know that I don't speak to often. I also set up an new Facebook page with my new name.
The letter has good points I just think it will take some time as you evolve to get the tone right.
And yes IMO transitioning really does wake us up to other marginalized people which is a good thing.
Hi Danielle and Kim:
I agree that the "kick your teeth in" paragraph is too aggressive and could alienate possible supporters ( but I really liked writing it... ;D).
I will need both of you and everyone else to review the next version to keep the right spirit. Unfortunately I have months for the re-write.
Now that I have decided to transition I sense a growing impatience. I really need to keep my pace for a number of personal and professional reasons. I really hate it but I'll survive.
Thank you both for your continued warmth, advice and support.
Massive hugs,
Emma
I stole this from an entry I made yesterday on someone else's thread. It fit with what I have been documenting on my thread here.
I was literally grilling myself this morning for the 1,000,000th time asking why I felt it was so critical that I present as a female, followed by whether I was ready to do it the rest of my life, followed by the ever damaging "will I pass?".
I just started HRT at 63 years of age. I have never gotten to be a women, young or old, yet. I agree with others who have said that starting HRT is like going through puberty again, which means I will be hung up on how I look for a while.
Admittedly, like a 14 year old girl, I find all of the external female elements very exciting. It's like a room full of new toys. Fortunately, I like my internal self.
I love one of the treads asking if people like wearing a bra and the one response that resonated with me was, once the novelty wears off so does the thrill. I have heard my wife ask me why I want to be a woman, telling me that it's not much fun. Make up isn't fun for her and many feminine elements that I have spent a lifetime desiring, is boring to her.
I am sure that, over time, presentation will become increasingly less important to me.
I look forward to that day because it means I have been a woman long enough.
I guess I just want that chance.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: KimOct on February 19, 2019, 03:22:31 AM
Why are you afraid? I'm not saying you shouldn't be rather I am asking you to ask yourself what is this fear based on?
That you will be rejected? Laughed at? Lose people? Look strange? What is it?
The answer is your own transphobia.
For the going out in public thing, I totally concur with your premise, Kim.
However, once we get past that, why are we afraid? Seems like Emma could lose her job if she is found out. Statistically speaking, most of us lose our spouses. It's not transphobia that is the basis of that fear, it is statistics...
It sure scares the heck out of me...
Kate
I can only speak for myself regarding career. As for a spouse I am divorced so I can't speak directly to that but it does impact my opportunity for a new relationship.
Regarding career - first I want to emphasize I am not criticizing anyone's choices. Truly. There is no law, no rule, no obligation that if you have issues regarding gender that someone HAS to transition. Many people are CD or NB or decide the cost is too high to transition. To each their own.
For ME my career dropped off for other reasons - corporate acquisition and resulting downsizing but I have resurrected my career before. I made the choice to transition which I KNEW would severely damage my opportunities. The type of work I did was a negotiator - a high priced schmoozer - I earned a living by getting people to like me and therefore my company.
I transitioned anyway knowing I would be leaving that career behind. I decided that life is too short and when it is over in 5 or 10 or 20 years what would I have accomplished by staying in the closet and hiding the real me. For ME it was more important to live my authentic life.
One last note regarding career. Of my approximately 20 IRL trans friends the vast majority kept their jobs, that is the good news. Not many people lose their jobs anymore by coming out. The real challenges are for consultants that may see their clientele diminish and also for those that want to or are forced to change jobs. It doesn't make it impossible but harder. Especially for customer facing jobs like mine was. I used to make literally double compared to the job I was just offered.
At the end of the day you have to choose your priorities. There is no right or wrong - rather what is more important.
Regarding a spouse - I can't speak directly to that I was married once for 18 years and have been divorced for 9 years. However I KNEW that transitioning was going to dramatically reduce my odds of finding someone. I still get offers to connect with women from a 8 year old profile for online dating that I am unable to delete. I feel bad that I don't reply but I think they may be a little disappointed if I replied now ;D :D :P
I made my choice and I don't regret it. All I advise to others that are struggling with these choices is 2 things.
1. Don't lie to yourself or loved ones. This includes lying by omission. They deserve to deal with the truth.
2. Don't let fear shape your decisions. Find the courage to live authentically - whatever that is.
I now relinquish the soapbox and return the thread to Emma. :)
Kim: A big AMEN from me!!
@KimOct Dear Kim: I really like what you stated as follows:
I made my choice and I don't regret it. All I advise to others that are struggling with these choices is 2 things.
1. Don't lie to yourself or loved ones. This includes lying by omission. They deserve to deal with the truth.
2. Don't let fear shape your decisions. Find the courage to live authentically - whatever that is.Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us....
Hugs,
Danielle
Fear. It has so many outlets and morphs in so many ways. It is the boogieman that haunts our waken hours and can creep into our dreams.
Kate you are right it hits us at our weakest points and we each have different fears.
Mine is simple, losing my wife. To me everything else is just stuff.
My timeline is dictated by my son. I am extremely fortunate, I have a practice that I am handing over to him. He is an absolutely great kid so I have no problem, much as I hate having to say this, to wait 2 years. He needs that time to be able to take over. There is a lot I can do in two years...any ideas?
Kim, I agree with Danielle, your two points of guidance are great. At the end, your personal courage needs to take control of your life otherwise it becomes a series of deep regret, angry moments and constant pain.
Stealing from Shakespeare, ""A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once."
I am constantly humbled by the courage I have witnessed here countless times. It has helped me get this far. Therapy alone would never have done it.
Hugs,
Emma
I really liked this part of your coming out draft
"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial."
There are some people that will ask varitions on how come you didn't know/come out/transition sooner, and some may even question your transness (is that a word?) because you didn't act sooner.
That paragraph explains it about the best you can to people not familiar with trans people and issues.
I will probably want to steal that for when I finally come out fully on Facebook. It will come right after I say I didn't become a woman, I've always been one, I just stopped pretending to be a man.
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Quote from: KimOct on February 21, 2019, 05:37:37 PM
I can only speak for myself regarding career. As for a spouse I am divorced so I can't speak directly to that but it does impact my opportunity for a new relationship.
Regarding career - first I want to emphasize I am not criticizing anyone's choices. Truly. There is no law, no rule, no obligation that if you have issues regarding gender that someone HAS to transition. Many people are CD or NB or decide the cost is too high to transition. To each their own.
For ME my career dropped off for other reasons - corporate acquisition and resulting downsizing but I have resurrected my career before. I made the choice to transition which I KNEW would severely damage my opportunities. The type of work I did was a negotiator - a high priced schmoozer - I earned a living by getting people to like me and therefore my company.
I transitioned anyway knowing I would be leaving that career behind. I decided that life is too short and when it is over in 5 or 10 or 20 years what would I have accomplished by staying in the closet and hiding the real me. For ME it was more important to live my authentic life.
One last note regarding career. Of my approximately 20 IRL trans friends the vast majority kept their jobs, that is the good news. Not many people lose their jobs anymore by coming out. The real challenges are for consultants that may see their clientele diminish and also for those that want to or are forced to change jobs. It doesn't make it impossible but harder. Especially for customer facing jobs like mine was. I used to make literally double compared to the job I was just offered.
At the end of the day you have to choose your priorities. There is no right or wrong - rather what is more important.
Regarding a spouse - I can't speak directly to that I was married once for 18 years and have been divorced for 9 years. However I KNEW that transitioning was going to dramatically reduce my odds of finding someone. I still get offers to connect with women from a 8 year old profile for online dating that I am unable to delete. I feel bad that I don't reply but I think they may be a little disappointed if I replied now ;D :D :P
I made my choice and I don't regret it. All I advise to others that are struggling with these choices is 2 things.
1. Don't lie to yourself or loved ones. This includes lying by omission. They deserve to deal with the truth.
2. Don't let fear shape your decisions. Find the courage to live authentically - whatever that is.
I now relinquish the soapbox and return the thread to Emma. :)
This was beautiful, thank you.
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HI Tonya I am glad you found that phrase useful and please use it freely. The more people that understand the less we all have to battle.
Below was my first attempt. I am posting it in case it might be useful to others.
Explaining GD: Using Right vs Left as an example:
Only 10-12 percent of the population is reportedly left-handed.
Due to cultural and social pressures, many left-handed children were encouraged or forced to write and perform other activities with their right hands. This conversion can cause multiple problems in the developing left-handed child, including learning disorders, dyslexia, stuttering and other speech disorders.
1. Why did I discover was left-handed so late?
a. Childhood: I was left-handed but was trained to use only my right hand. I learned from constant
observation, correction and guidance that left was the only correct way to do things.
b. Adolescence: Being right-handed was the only socially acceptable way. I accepted that I was wrong for
using my left. I was able to adapt and only use my right.
c. Adult: I totally accepted that using my left was wrong and re-enforced my right. Everyone was happy.
d. Late Life: The world changed. Suddenly I was told that being left-handed wasn't my fault but
unfortunately, the world still believed that left-handed people were an aberration, "If you are right-handed,
why would anyone ever want to become left-handed?" I recognized that coming out left handed would
destroy all that I had created over a lifetime.
2. What does it feel like?
a. It feels like a mosquito bite that you spent a lifetime ignoring. The occasional scratching made it tolerable
but over time the inch became worse no matter what you did. You just want it to stop and go away but it
won't.
b. There is an extreme loneliness because there is no way to explain to yourself or to others why this has
happened to you, it just has. It is an incurable personal tragedy that lacks the inherent human sympathy
that mortal diseases naturally draw out of people.
c. If you use your left hand, everyone either verbally or non-verbally judges, condemns and belittles you. It
even draws out violence and revulsion in many people. You feel condemnation, shame and embarrassment.
d. If you come out left-handed you drag your spouse and family down with you. You will deeply hurt the ones
you love. You feel tremendous guilt and regret because what you done to others. You know that once out,
it can never be put back.
e. If you stay right-handed the itch will never goes away and it gets worse over time.
Stop using your dominant hand for a day and realize that that awkwardness is a lifetime experience.
I know that the responses have sort of intertwined. That is really cool. It should makes this thread a lot more interesting and more valuable.
Thanks and hugs,
Emma
Tonya I wanted to circle back and tell you I loved your quote (which I will also steal):
"I didn't become a woman, I've always been one, I just stopped pretending to be a man. "
Pretty sure I paraphrased that from somewhere, possibly out right stole it.
I have said I've always been a woman but didn't always have a way to finish that for people that don't understand it.
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Dear Emma - Thank you for your thread where you have shared so openly your journey. I have followed it from the beginning. You express so many of the concerns/stresses/decisions that many of us face. I too am in a situation of having to wait longer than expected, primarily due to a family crisis that dramatically changed our plans. When we confront the "beast" or "monster" of our dysphoria, we find it is neither, but a young tender child yearning to express itself and be acknowledged by those around it. The discussions it has generated and the feedback from others has been invaluable.
Anne
Thank you for your thoughts Anne.
Kim convinced me that I needed to continue sharing as much for others and for my self.
I think the greatest personal obstacle has been, as Kim stated, my own trans phobia. It is so shattering that it has taken this long to finally accept myself.
I am ready to transition but now I am confronting all the personal technicalities of how to transition, the emotional issues of my relationship with my wife and the professional commitment to my job.
My "tender child yearning to express itself and be acknowledged by those around it" is a precocious and stubborn 14 year old girl who won't take no for an answer any more.
The beast is the sense of social isolation. I am learning that I am not as alone as I thought. I won't know who will be my friends going forward in my life until I finally come out but I do know I will have family and friends who will support me.
I would love to selfishly do it right now but I can't, like you I have responsibilities.
I hope that the family crisis in your life is resolved in the best way possible for you and your family.
Best regards,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 22, 2019, 08:44:39 AM
Tonya I wanted to circle back and tell you I loved your quote (which I will also steal):
"I didn't become a woman, I've always been one, I just stopped pretending to be a man. "
Great quote !! Also I really like the left handed analogy Emma.
I am getting off the couch and going into a brutal work schedule the next four nights but only 3 more weeks until I return to a 9 to 5 office job. YAY !!!
So glad you are doing well, keep that positive attitude. You are going to be great.
HUGS
Kim
Hey Kim:
Soooo glad you got the job. That makes the current one a part-timer! Some positive predictability makes life easier to deal with.
I'm glad that you liked the left-handed analogy. I have been working so hard to help cis people understand all that we are going through. It is an intellectual Gordian Knot. Not many people (including me) can easily process the complex mental gymnastics.
It has definitely tired and stressed me out, as if that has gone unnoticed on this thread :D
Have a great weekend and remember today is National Margarita Day!
Hugs,
Emma
I posted this on another thread and thought it worth repeating:
I saw this in a news feed today and I figured we would appreciate an added benefit for taking female hormones besides breasts, soft skin, hair in the right places and maybe hips and butts:
"Women make up nearly two-thirds of patients with Alzheimer's disease in the U.S., in part because they live
longer than men. But researchers are also exploring whether menopause-related hormonal changes affect the
disease's development.
• Symptoms of menopause—such as night sweats, hot flashes and even memory changes—are caused by declining levels of estrogen and other hormones.
• Estrogen protects the female brain from aging and stimulates neural activity. It may also help prevent the buildup of clusters of proteins, or plaques, that are linked to Alzheimer's."
So if it is true that we have female brains then maybe a lifetime on estrogen will help prevent us from getting Alzheimer's. I have wondered what would happen to me if I got Alzheimer's after transitioning.
I know, a little too clinical, but hey, I'll grab what I can.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 18, 2019, 06:38:24 PM
I have been playing this song a lot and I cry:
This Is Me
Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies,
this is me
I hope this helps.
Emma! Thank you so much for letting me know about this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw
Intense goosebumps +
The warmth of free-flowing tears +
A smile so broad it makes my face ache =
Wow...I feel better now!
Hope you do as well. :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 19, 2019, 06:34:16 AM
[...]
I have taken your advice EV, I have changed my gender marker to "F" on this site. You are right, it felt good.
[...]
:) :) :) :) :) :) :)
eHug
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 23, 2019, 11:44:13 AM
[...]
• Estrogen protects the female brain from aging and stimulates neural activity. It may also help prevent the buildup of clusters of proteins, or plaques, that are linked to Alzheimer's."
[...]
Another reason I can't wait to start HRT! Thanks Emma! :)
EV:
Thank you so much for downloading the music video. I didn't know how and it makes the song so much more powerful.
I think of all of us when I hear it and I always cry, but with pride!
Thank you also for the support and inspiration to change my gender marker to F.
I am glad we all get an extra benefit to our intake of estrogen :)
Hugs,
Emma
sorry for your pain
Thanks Stephanie. I definitely don't have the monopoly on it. I am glad we have a place to get and give support.
Damn I just watched that video that EV posted for me above for the thousandth time and I just cry every time.
We are warriors: "A warrior is someone who faces conflict head on. They overcome obstacles because at their core is their heart and mind, their spirit."
Hey Emma, :)
Embedding a YouTube video in a post at Susan's Place is super easy, although it isn't at all obvious. I learned how to do it by participating in @SiobhánF 's wonderful "What are you listening to?" thread; here's my latest entry if you're interested:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,215094.msg2227940.html#msg2227940
(Music has always been incredibly important to me, and without it I'm certain that I would have chosen to leave this world behind long ago.)
All you have to do is copy the full YouTube url from your laptop or desktop web browser address window and paste it into the composition window of your message. Note that abbreviated YouTube urls generated by the share button below a video on YouTube or commonly generated by mobile devices won't work; it has to be the full url.
Also note that when you preview your message, the embedded video won't display, but it will once you've posted your message.
A mentor of mine was fond of saying that crying is a function of healing, so you should never ever ever try to hold back your tears.
Let the pain go...let the pain go...let the pain go...
eHug
:)
The internalized transphobia is hard to defeat. As you mentioned, the breakthrough comes when you realize that you are not pretending to be a woman, but that you have stopped pretending to be a man.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Thanks EV but I don't know if I will ever find a music video as powerful as that one you posted for me but I will keep your instructions.
I am starting to cry more and it feels good.
Jessica Rose, really glad you are up and around. I agree with you that the challenge is to realize that we have been only playing as men all our lives. Its really tough to wrap your head around but when you do it really feels right.
I am just beginning to understand why I never really fit in with any particular group all my life and why I have been called an outlier on many different occasions. I never fit into any particular category.
I am sure this is true for all of us.
I am tearing up not for me but for Emma and everyone starting this journey. The quote about no longer pretending to be a man. The references to crying the pain out. The video about the strength to be 'me'.
These are all necessary things to steel ourselves to take this journey, to come out, to live as our authentic selves.
Nobody is /was more scared than I was early in my transition, I had to feel like a warrior to do it. That is why most of my themes here revolve around courage.
Emma you have it. It is building I can see it. You got this.
Thanks Kim... :)
I remember Farrah Fawcett filmed a documentary when she learned she had cancer. She wanted people to see first hand what it was like to go through cancer so they would understand it better. This thread reminds me of that. The ups, the downs, the different angles to consider, and the hard choices that need to be made. It is all there to read and gain knowledge for those who read it in the future. Thank you for sharing the intimate parts of your transition. Many don't understand how hard it is on the transgender person who is navigating through transgender self discovery. Thanks again Emma, you may have helped more people than you will ever know.
Thanks Jennifer. I have learned I am not alone and that gives me strength. I'm glad it helps others. Hugs, Emma
I remember about a month ago I told the story of how all that Ashley asked of me was to pay it forward. I told you that you could do the same someday to which you replied -" I will be a lifeguard once I learn to swim"
You may be dog-paddling but I would say you are a lifeguard already. :)
I don't know Kim I definitely feel like I'm still wearing my waders. :D
Ok with the endless sadness I have shared, I thought I would share something funny today.
I went out for breakfast today and waitress introduced herself as Rachel and I almost introduced myself as Emma....hmmmm. Looks like a sneak attack by my gender. :)
That would have been real confusing. I still present as 100% male. I had a really good private laugh.
HAHAHAHA That is great. Funny how stuff happens when you are not thinking about it.
I referred to myself as Mike a few times even after I legally changed my name.
I would have loved to seen the waitress' face if you said it. There are funny moments while transitioning. Embrace them.
Quote from: KimOct on February 27, 2019, 08:00:50 PM
HAHAHAHA That is great. Funny how stuff happens when you are not thinking about it.
I referred to myself as Mike a few times even after I legally changed my name.
I would have loved to seen the waitress' face if you said it. There are funny moments while transitioning. Embrace them.
My dog knows me only by my dead name. If I tell her about what I will be doing, I use my dead name, too. I don't want to confuse the poor beast to much. I'm confused enough already, at least the dog can stay sane!
Quote from: Dietlind on February 27, 2019, 09:34:05 PM
My dog knows me only by my dead name. If I tell her about what I will be doing, I use my dead name, too. I don't want to confuse the poor beast to much. I'm confused enough already, at least the dog can stay sane!
That's funny! And if someone hears you talking to your dog and asks who <dead name> is, you can always tell them that it is your husband who, um, mysteriously passed away...
Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on February 27, 2019, 11:04:29 PM
That's funny! And if someone hears you talking to your dog and asks who <dead name> is, you can always tell them that it is your husband who, um, mysteriously passed away...
Never Thought about this! What a clever idea! Thanks!
A friend of mine who is hilarious always tells people when her 'dead' name comes up - " Oh yeah him... he died" ;D
I think I am rare that I don't care about people knowing my former name or seeing pics - it's all still me. If someone intentionally calls me Mike it does piss me off but if it is a slip it's fine.
Quote from: Dietlind on February 27, 2019, 11:13:22 PM
Never Thought about this! What a clever idea! Thanks!
If you want to be truly sinister, you could tell them that you had to kill <dead name>. And now you have to kill them too, because they know...
Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on February 27, 2019, 11:34:16 PM
If you want to be truly sinister, you could tell them that you had to kill <dead name>. And now you have to kill them too, because they know...
:D ;) ;D Hilarious
I figure that it's going to be easier to just come out.
Tempting as it is to bump off people who will be cruel when I do, orange is not the new wardrobe I was hoping for ;)
Not to be the buzzkill to the humor but, I will be anyway. The reason for the buzzkill is in your post above, you state -"people who will be cruel".
I don't think your assumption is true. A FEW may be uncomfortable or not accepting. Maybe, maybe not.
There are some people that are cruel but it is a tiny fraction and if they are do you really want them in your life?
Emma, when you do come out I think you are going to be surprised. Will every single person in your life be fantastically supportive? Probably not, and I can't be sure because I don't know those people.
What I can confidently say it will be better than you think. We build this fear up inside of us and ruminate about it. My coming out and most people I know went better than expected.
Don't get me wrong there are many stories from many people on this site with very difficult coming out stories but we build it up to be worse than it probably will be with our fear.
I can only agree with Kim. I was scared to death to be rejected and scolded by everybody. Nothing held true, even my Latino neighbors are very freindly and nothing has changed (except he haules my garbage can to the house after it is empty ;D he is a macho on the positive side).
Live is so much freer and liberated once you are out!
I wish you so much luck and happiness!
Linde
I have spent some time thinking about how I wanted to respond to both Kim and Linde and their thoughts above. The challenge is separating the general dialogue from the thread that is very specific to me.
I recognize that for the 23 pages of this thread I have shared my soul is a most revealing and vulnerable way. Other than those who have read it and my analyst, I have never laid bare my thoughts to anyone like this, ever.
I respect both Kim, Linde and so many others who have stepped up and had my emotional back. They have my heart in thanks. They have also survived very brutal personal experiences of their own.
I have spent this thread focused on two things, what was happening to me and what was going to happen to my wife.
I need to establish my reality as it currently exists, not how I wish it could be to provide better perspective to my personal thoughts.
There are 9 million residents in New York who speak 86 different languages but to be part of the Irish Catholic community here is to be as tribal, parochial and narrow-minded as any small town anywhere.
The guys are all cops and firemen, the women are nurses, teachers and moms. It is as binary as you can get.
I am not sharing this not for the drama. I am sharing this selfishly for me so that you all understand the extraordinary stress and destruction that coming out will have on all of these relationships for me, and most importantly for my wife who never had a choice.
I am sorry Kim and Linde but I have a very low expectation of acceptance. There will be some but there will be very, very few. The pain in my heart is very deep with the sense of this inevitable loss.
I have been fighting every step of transitioning and I am losing every battle...ultimately because I want to.
I get it.
My fear is not transitioning, my fear is the infliction of pain on my wife, much of it by the rejection of others. I keep circling back to that endlessly in this thread. Both transitioning and the inevitable pain are inescapable.
Unfortunately, my low expectations of acceptance are very real.
I understand very well what you are saying. I know how them catholics are, I grew up as one and was supposed to be a minister, like one of my great uncles, two of my great aunts were nuns. We were pretty catholic, I can tell you this.
Here comes this catholic bloke from Germany, and wants to marry the daughter of a family that was as proud as the dickens to be of pure British blood. When my future wife told my future father in law that we want to get married, his only answer was "at least he is not a Martian". This family scenario I had, when I came out (we were divorced, but I was still part of the family), and everybody of that family congratulated me and is part of my support group (including my niece, who is a Pastor).
It is very often those who you expect would reject you, who accept you the most. I know, your situation is different than mine, and only you are the one, who has to face it, but if we can give you any kind of support, please let us know, we listen!
Hugs
Linde
Hi Emma, Thank you for sharing your thoughts so clearly and articulately. I understand the point you are making and it certainly sounds valid. Even in your situation I believe it will be better than you think, however, I do understand and agree with your description and point.
Everyone's situation is somewhat different and your circle may be more critical. Regarding your wife that is a very really concern. I assume that anyone in your circle that is judgmental of you will probably be sympathetic to her.
I can only speak for myself regarding my next comment but anyone that is judgmental of me is not someone that I want in my life. If they do not see me as their friend or family member simply by being my authentic self I have no desire to have a relationship with them.
Regarding your wife that is an entirely different matter. I know that the last thing you want to do is hurt her. I mean this with all possible empathy and sympathy but regarding your wife the title of your story 'which hurts less' applies to her also. If you come out it is going to hurt her and if you don't come out it is still going to hurt her because you are going to be miserable and that is something you cannot hide.
Emma - I am not you and I don't know everything and never claim to. I only share my thoughts and opinions and you should take what rings true and cast the rest aside. The one thing I do know for sure is that I care what happens to you.
Thank you both Linde and Kim for your thoughts.
True relationships are rare and for them to last a lifetime requires a lot of acceptance of the faults that everyone involved in the relationship has.
I am hesitant to go further but I feel an obligation to complete my thoughts here. This is not for drama but for understanding my situation specifically.
The streets were tough when I was a kid. By eighteen I had been in many gang fights and faced down guys with both knives and guns. My friends always had my back.
I also watched friends die. I was at the World Trade Center on 911 and knew many of the firemen who died that day. I spent many, many nights helping my friends survive the emotionally scars it created.
They all gave support and blood endlessly to help my son survive leukemia. The hugs were as intense as any guy can share with another guy. They were there for me when he passed...
Those of us that survived those years share a very tight bond.
Kim and Linde you may be right and I hope many will understand. I really hope. At this stage of my life these relationships mean a lot to both of us. I am willing to risk them for me but the gamble includes my wife.
I still am fighting transitioning as I continue to transition. I still fear the cost.
I hope that others that follow us don't have to suffer as much to be just who they need to be.
Hugs,
Emma
Emma, I hope that your life and transitioning goes well, and that, at some day, you can be the woman who you are supposed to be! And i hope that this goal can be achieved, without much hurt for others, and a continuation of your marriage.
I am an older woman, and I feel very comfortable in being one. In fact, I have the impression that older women seem to be way more comfortable in their life than older men of a similar age, who still seem to be partially testosterone driven, and have all the problems that come with this!
I hope that you will have the experience to be a woman in the not to far future, and I would want to wish you a lot of luck and love on the way to this!
Hugs
Linde
This became way more personal than I intended. Damned HRT has me tearing up all morning thinking about what I wrote today.
Not trying to depress anyone.
I just wish this was all over.
For those that truly open up this always becomes more personal than intended. I never thought I would share some of the personal thoughts that I have online for so many people to read as I have in the last 3 years.
We do so for 2 reasons. The cathartic therapeutic benefit for ourselves but also to allow others to see that they are not alone. It is both a selfish and giving exercise.
I am glad you have been so open it is helping and it is brave.
Sometimes I am hesitant to give my strongest and deepest opinions to you and others. Being liked is important to me and I know my opinions can be strong sometimes. I risk the possible rejection or anger because I want to make significant and meaningful points.
This journey is a tough one, but not taking it at all can often be much tougher.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 02, 2019, 09:20:46 AM
I still am fighting transitioning as I continue to transition. I still fear the cost.
I hope that others that follow us don't have to suffer as much to be just who they need to be.
Hi Emma,
I haven't transitioned but I've been on low dose E for over 3 years now. I'm 56. I would love to totally transition, each dose of E seems to make the draw that much stronger. I'm constantly considering upping my dose. I see my small breasts in the mirror and love it. Like you, I'm fighting this but seem to be losing.
My wife is my main worry too, although I worry about how my adult daughters will react. My wife has known for over 30 years for the most part and isn't accepting. Besides the usual I'm not a lesbian bit, I think the main problem is she's embarrassed by the thought of me coming out. I think it's how she's perceived by our family, friends and community. It's weird how the idea of me transitioning is seen by her as some sort of failure as a women.
Just like me, she's heard people mocking transgender people throughout our relationship. Some were family and friends. Even though the world has changed slightly, she doesn't think it's anywhere near where it needs to be. I agree on that and like you wish future generations never have to go through what we have.
I truly understand your dilemma and fear the cost of transitioning too but I also fear the cost to my sanity if I don't.
This thread really hits home for me. Thank you Emma for being so open.
Take care,
Paige 😊
Quote from: Emma1017 on August 24, 2018, 12:42:27 PM
My official first post.
Finally at 62 my gender dysphoria crushed me earlier this year. I had random crying panic attacks that I never had before. I started therapy for the first time in my life that helped me pull back from the edge.
I am now trying to find ways to cope because if I transition I will hurt everyone in my life, particularly my wife of 37 years and destroy everything I have created in my life. I figure that either way, transitioning or not, I am going to get hurt but if I don't transition I won't hurt anyone else.
Not sure why I am posting this other than to not feel so totally alone.
You are not alone!
Kim never feel afraid to express your opinion to me. I will always be honest and I will always take criticism from those I respect. You can always pm me if it makes you more comfortable. Your thought are always appreciated!!!!
Paige I have come to the point where I said earlier I would take a bullet for my wife but I can't live years taking endless cuts against my soul.
I really wish there was a magic pill for me or for society at large to make this a joyful transition not feel like being dragged through emotional barbed wire for years.
Thank you Paige for sharing with me that this thread has value beyond me. I need to know to keep going.
Hugs,
Emma
Thank you Myranda. That really means a lot.
In two more weeks I won't be posting at 330 in the morning. Cannot wait.
Anyway - Emma I am going to say this in the thread instead of PM for the benefit of others as well. I TRULY understand what you are trying to express about your wife and others in your life. It must be awful wrestling with these additional emotions and worries.
That said at some point you are going to be faced with a crossroads. Do I do this or do I not? That is a choice only you and others in similar situations can make. Neither I or anyone else here can answer that question. We can give you advice, insight, opinion and support but at the end of the day it all comes down to you.
My opinion is to evaluate how you honestly see a few things playing out. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. How will you feel if you don't transition and how will you interact with those around you? On the other hand if you do transition how will it affect both yourself and those around you.
Don't focus on the immediate upheaval rather think what your life and those around you will be like a year later or 5 years later. Think about both scenarios. If you do transition and if you don't. There are no guarantees in life but if you make an honest evaluation of both options you will probably find the best answer.
Wishing you and everyone reading - peace.
There is an old saying, when you come out of the closet to a loved one in private, you are bringing them into the closet with you. Some feel they will burden their loved one by bringing them into the closet with them, and it is true. Coming out of the closet to everyone is similar except you are bringing them out of the closet too, as a spouse of a Transgender person.
Many wives gain personal status from their husbands. I get it,most wives want to say "My husband the Doctor, the Firefighter, the Police Officer. Few want to say "My husband the cross dresser or My husband the Transgender person. They are then just as much a target for ridicule as the Transgender person. Then there is the whole shift to "Does that make her a Lesbian"? I am sure many believe it is something they did or didn't do. Some believe they aren't woman enough so their man turned feminine. Lord knows what thoughts they have trying to understand this rare condition. I feel for them, and I understand your dilemma as well. You are caught between hurting those you love and risking losing them and living while hiding your true self that was developed before you were even born. The feelings seem to get stronger causing chaos in your life, yet to cure this it will cause different chaos in your life and the lives of loved ones.
The problem is society's perception of a transgender person. The latest psychiatric guidelines point out that transgender itself is not a mental condition as if you are happy and comfortable being transgender it does not cause you distress. It is a mental condition because of the stress society creates on a transgender person simply because they are transgender. Only you can make the decisions, but I feel your pain and understand the dilemma. Darned if you do, Darned if you don't, and the dice you roll determines how many loved ones you may or may not lose. It also determines how much pain your loved ones endure as well. If we grew up on a liberal family with liberal friends this would not be near as difficult. I too grew up with conservative family, friends, and some are ministers in our family so that just adds to the problem since they are sure to discuss it with other family members and try to convince them I am a sinner in need of being "cured".
Kim keep thinking of a good nights sleep in two weeks ;D
Thanks for responded to my endless fear of risk. I think too much about the losses. I need to start thinking about the gains. Not everything will go to hell, right?
I really want to go shopping with other women and be accepted. I hate men's clothes so I can't wait to donate them like you did Kim. I want to play with makeup even if it means I'm shallow. I want joy back.
Jennifer you nailed it when you said "...most wives want to say "My husband the Doctor, the Firefighter, the Police Officer. Few want to say "My husband the cross dresser or My husband the Transgender person. They are then just as much a target for ridicule as the Transgender person. Then there is the whole shift to "Does that make her a Lesbian"?".
In the end, she will need to decide. I have no choice. It's now a matter of timing.
Hugs to all,
Emma
Quote from: Jennifer300 on March 03, 2019, 05:55:09 AM
I too grew up with conservative family, friends, and some are ministers in our family so that just adds to the problem since they are sure to discuss it with other family members and try to convince them I am a sinner in need of being "cured".
This is not necessarily the case. I don't have any direct relatives, but my ex wife's family is pretty conservative. They stuck with me during our divorce and my transition, I am still their (Aunt) uncle, or Brother (sister) in law!
One of my nices is a pastor, und she is one of my best supporters, another niece is a higher ranking officer in the US Air Force, and she, too, is all for me. They loved me when I was still a guy, and they still love me as a woman! I think it depends how open a family wants to be, or how judgemental they want to be to support or reject you!
I am changing the tempo of this thread for a few moments.....MY CHEST GREW AN INCH THIS MONTH!!!! YAY!!!!
:) :) :) :)
YAY !!!!!
All I have to say this time. :D ;D
Can I enter the thread for a boob 'busting out party.' Whoop whoop!
Emma, I'm sorry this is so hard for you! As kind of a sideliner to your thread, I see how much this tears you up. It speaks to your character that you care so much about how it will affect your partner. I have the sense that you are a very caring person. I would imagine people see you that way and people tend to want to be on the side of people they like. I have been surprised by people who I was sure would be haters. For me, it was, try to handle my coming out with as much class as I could muster. I had no choice but to transition and I got really tired of living my life for other people. Yes, you know your surroundings better than me for sure. I do think you would have some serious upside surprises. I wish you the best of luck! Now don't come back and tell me you really are a mean nasty rotten person and I was totally wrong in my appraisal of you. Okay? ;D
Warmly,
Moni
Thank you Moni for your very kind words. They mean a lot to me. Hugs, Emma
I am constantly amazed and humbled by the incredible people I meet on this site.
You are all the best.
Hugs,
Emma
It's funny, as I continue to process being transgender and very slowly evolve my gender presentation, it constantly hits me how incredibly surreal this all is.
I really feel like I have a split personality.
It is a constant battle for gender dominance between my heart and my brain. On this thread its mostly heart while in "real life" its mostly brain and they are not getting along.
The reality of transition is becoming more real every day but I keep rejecting that I am ever going to actually do it...while I continue to do it (i.e. I keep going for laser treatments, scheduling voice lessons, etc.).
Does that make sense???
I am constantly shaking my head.
Emma, it is a slow, and sometimes agonizing process for all of us!
The hurdles are different at different points of the process.
I plan to tackle the legal change now, and stand like a deer in the headlights, with no real idea where to go!
Just for fun, I went for a kill today, I killed the guy who was trying to represent me on Face Book! There is now only a woman with my name on Face Book, representing me! Those are the little joys of transitioning!
My point is I have difficulty bridging the two realities, the one I have lived for 63 years and the one that has exploded into my life in the last 18 months.
I know where my happiness is guiding me. I just still can't believe that's where I'm headed....surreal.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 04, 2019, 05:45:56 PM
My point is I have difficulty bridging the two realities, the one I have lived for 63 years and the one that has exploded into my life in the last 18 months.
I know where my happiness is guiding me. I just still can't believe that's where I'm headed....surreal.
You may 'get it' better than you think you do. Yeah, the whole thing is totally surreal. As I contemplated transition, went through transition, and now almost three years since leaving my old self behind, it is all surreal. I think its kind of like stepping on an elevator on the first floor (one reality) then stepping out into a different world on the third floor. It's real, but it doesn't quite seem that way. Sorry, I feel another analogy coming on. I think its a deal where you just go with it, like tubing on a river. There is this force moving you in a direction, you are powerless to stop that force, so you just have to relax and go with it and trust that it will work out.
Moni
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 04, 2019, 10:36:21 AM
It's funny, as I continue to process being transgender and very slowly evolve my gender presentation, it constantly hits me how incredibly surreal this all is.
I really feel like I have a split personality.
It is a constant battle for gender dominance between my heart and my brain. On this thread its mostly heart while in "real life" its mostly brain and they are not getting along.
The reality of transition is becoming more real every day but I keep rejecting that I am ever going to actually do it...while I continue to do it (i.e. I keep going for laser treatments, scheduling voice lessons, etc.).
Does that make sense???
I am constantly shaking my head.
The part of the above quote is -"I feel like I have a split personality". I absolutely had that as I was transitioning. In the 6 to 9 months from when I started therapy and going to certain appointments presenting as female ( I don't care for the phrase en femme - it reminds me too much of when I was trying to get by with just cross dressing ) anyhoo...
During that time when I was not full time yet I completely felt like I had a split personality. It didn't feel like a disorder rather one day I looked like Mike and the next day I looked like Kim. It was disconcerting. Emma I think that is just part of the process. Don't let it get to you. This is a long strange trip ( As the Grateful Dead said :D )
Rather than fight the strangeness of it embrace that you are experiencing something that few people ever experience. Before you know it this part of the journey will be a memory.
I don't think the split personality feeling is strange at all. It resonates with me and strikes me as extremely common for trans people. It is classic for cross-dressers to claim a female alter-ego. Tri-Ess is literally the "Society for the Second Self." Probably a testament to what a powerful force the culture and socialization has been in our lives. We were not supposed to be trans growing up. But when what we were supposed to be and what we actually are are so at diametrically opposed, we're going to do some mental gymnastics. And let me tell you, I've had some epic performances on the uneven bars through the years.
Moni, Kim and Randim:
Your collective analogies have just made me smile and laugh.
Moni I saw a couple floating on inner tubes on an ad in the subway today. I actually laughed, which of course drew some strange glances. I also paused as I pressed the floor button on the elevator going to work today.
Kim, the Grateful Dead just made my transition music list.
Randim I keep having images of your dismount off the uneven bars. I should probably start with yoga.
Its interesting. This may be very surreal but I know that Emma and I are the same person.
Its just a question of who do I want looking back in the mirror in two years.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 05, 2019, 07:28:00 AM
Its interesting. This may be very surreal but I know that Emma and I are the same person.
Yes, When you first realize you are trans of some sort and have those feelings of wanting to express as other than your birth gender, those voices in your head (or at least my head at the time) go "My parents say no. My relatives say no. The church says no. The school says no. The television says no. All the books I read say no. Everybody says no." (Note: This is probably much less true today.) It's a pretty natural reaction to deal with that by trying to compartmentalize those feelings and wall them off from your daily life, and only allow them at select times. And a persona is born, some more elaborate than others I suppose. Some people do ok with that for their whole lives I guess. And if if works for them, more power to them. It has stopped working for me. I think a big part of the trans experience is breaking down those walls and embracing your gender identity, whatever that might be, and welcoming it into your daily life. For some, that will mean a full transition, for others gender fluidity or some other spot on the spectrum, but in all cases an attempt to heal and become whole. At least it seems that way to me. Of course, I could be full of it. :D I often am.
I agree Randim, hopefully we all arrive at the solution that works specifically for each one of us.
The one thing I know is that the solution is only arrived at through an agonizing process. Society just doesn't give us a choice or a chance.
The three most important things that have helped me most to process all this were:
1. My therapist: She is my best ally
2. This site and everyone on it! Major hugs!!!
3. Two books: The Transgender Guidebook by Anne L. Boedecker, PhD and The Gendered Self by Anne
M. Vitale
There are a ton of other things I have read in my ignorance and panic to understand but these three have given me the most clarity.
I am a big advocate of reading lots of sources when coming to terms with being transgender. That includes messed up ones so that you can refute those theories as well.
I like Anne Vitale's work. It is straightforward and rings true to me.
Eventually the searching for answers ends and you just accept OK I am trans, but I think the process of looking for the answers helps us find our way even if the ultimate answer for why is just - because I am.
At of all the that I have read, I found that The Transgender Guidebook by Anne L. Boedecker was very practical and The Gendered Self by Anne M. Vitale was more emotional. They work well in combination and I got a lot out of both.
I also like pretty much everything that Brynn Tannehill has written. She has a lawyers mind and presents counter-arguments well.
I agree Kim, you need to confront all of the issues in order to survive. The challenge it to maintain perspective...one of the great things that you and others here have helped me with.
Wow just read your whole thread. It starts with me. I am in my 60s torn a wife I love. My yearnings growing. You are so brave and inspiring. I don't know how I will proceed. But you are so hope giving in your amazing posts. And the resonses. Bless you on this journey
Gina
Wow Gina thank you so much for your thoughts.
This thread would not exist without the incredible people who have shared with me along the way.
My thread is just part of this great site.
Best wishes in finding your own way!
Warm regards,
Emma
Thank you. What you and Kim said about facing things is right on. I have been trying that coming on here.
I just had a serious coming out conversation with my wife. Told her I was trans. She had plenty of hints. But really opened up.n i cried.
She was great.understanding and supportive. I am lucky. I will go back to therapy soon. Beyond that.... I am both hepeful and afraid
Gina
Gina - No matter what happens you are lucky to have a wife that was kind. I am not saying supportive, accepting or encouraging. I am just saying kind. Kindness is important. Good for her.
This is a lot for any spouse and for some it works and others it doesn't, but the very least we can expect is kindness.
Hi Gina:
I agree with Kim that having a supportive wife and partner makes the emotional body slam that you are experiencing massively easier to survive.
I recommend you do what I did when I started the process of discovery and to understand being transgender. I started out emotionally panicked and entirely alone but I started to read (on this site and the internet), slowly opened up to people on this site and talked to a professional analyst.
Keep talking to your wife and include her as much as she can tolerate. Try couple therapy.
Remember that you will find your own solutions if you keep trying and you will discover what works or doesn't work for you. This is a very personal process.
I learned from everyone here what courage is and I am confident that you will find your answers.
Warm regards,
Emma
Hi Emma.
Thanks for the advice. I have had heapy a few years ago talked about this. I decided to wait but it is a growing realization. We talked a little this morning. She is concerned but loving. Me too!
Best wishes to the both of you!
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 04, 2019, 10:36:21 AM
I really feel like I have a split personality.
When I describe to a close friend what my experience of Beth's transition is like, I find myself seeing Beth as a split personality. She has different gestures. Her face looks different. Her posture is different. She is at ease with all that is. She is so clearly a woman. But sometimes the male personality shows up. My sweetheart says she is always just being who she is. May you soon discover how well you and Emma fit together into one complete person.
For those of you that have not met Moonflower SHE ROCKS !!!
Any MtF that has a wife as supportive as her is lucky indeed.
May all of you with a spouse be as blessed.
Don't be a stranger in these parts Moonflower :)
Thank you Moonflower for your thoughts. They are always welcome.
I am still battling through my own walls of rejection, but they are getting weaker.
I can't stop focusing on the surreal nature of all this.
I have this perfectly healthy body and I have to drastically alter it, taking all the risks and pains to do so, just to be happy. Throw in my constant fear of hurting others plus throwing away a good chunk of my life and I keep endless circling back to the same emotional battle.
I guess that I have no choice for the next year or so until I make the absolute commitment to transitioning (i.e. surgery) that I will continue to challenge every aspect of this process.
I am so happy the you and your partner are doing well.
Warm hugs,
Emma
I feel that surreal feeling a lot. When I think of the changes coming. It is a big mountain to climb.
Dressed this morning as The female me, it feels real.
I really appreciate the situation you are in. I too don't want to hurt. But I want to be happy.
Big hugs are needed!
Gina
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 07, 2019, 06:42:07 AM
I have this perfectly healthy body and I have to drastically alter it, taking all the risks and pains to do so, just to be happy. Throw in my constant fear of hurting others plus throwing away a good chunk of my life and I keep endless circling back to the same emotional battle.
Your wording succinctly summarizes my own struggle. Yet when I am able to express myself as a woman, I see myself consistent with my internal image.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Anne: I have the same problem. Every time I see Emma's smile I know what is right.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 07, 2019, 06:42:07 AM
I am still battling through my own walls of rejection, but they are getting weaker.
I can't stop focusing on the surreal nature of all this.
I have this perfectly healthy body and I have to drastically alter it, taking all the risks and pains to do so, just to be happy. Throw in my constant fear of hurting others plus throwing away a good chunk of my life and I keep endless circling back to the same emotional battle.
I guess that I have no choice for the next year or so until I make the absolute commitment to transitioning (i.e. surgery) that I will continue to challenge every aspect of this process.
I am so happy the you and your partner are doing well.
Warm hugs,
Emma
Hey Emma, in what way do you feel you must 'throw away a good chunk of your life?' Do you mean the people you might lose?
Moni
Great question Moni.
Beside some friends who won't be able to process my transition, I have been involved in some very masculine activities that will not transfer to my female life.
As I thought about your question, I realized I would trade them all in a second just to go clothes shopping, buy some heels and play in the makeup aisles of Sephora.
Great point!
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 07, 2019, 06:40:10 PM
Great question Moni.
Beside some friends who won't be able to process my transition, I have been involved in some very masculine activities that will not transfer to my female life.
As I thought about your question, I realized I would trade them all in a second just to go clothes shopping, buy some heels and play in the makeup aisles of Sephora.
Great point!
Hmmmmmm! Now you have me curious. Do you want to share what activities. We talking a team sport?
Food for thought. I have lost very few people in my transition. I admit to being fortunate. I have also gained people. I mean people I already knew. It is amazing when people (usually women) are told of 'the truth,' and you see their guard instantly melt away. My sister in law was this way. Then there are the two health care providers who were closeted but came out to me because I was someone to now trust. One was my nurse who, while I was waiting on the operating table, came out and told me of her truth and promised to look out for me. The guys I work with have been especially rewarding for me. Guys are a bit harder to win over in my experience. When they get it, and talk to you like you are just one of the women, it is wonderful. There is a different quality to their voice when they speak to you. Softer, I would say! Of course, being ma'amed is obviously fun. I think at some point I reached a tipping point where I was more in the female subset of life socially. The coolness of it being expected to take the female path instead of the male path. Not just wanting to do the female thing but being expected to do the female thing. I just love it. Yes I am quite binary and yes these are my experiences. YMMV. I guess I am trying to give a glimpse of what could be in store. When you talked about what you might give up, it started me thinking about what I miss about my old life. Only one thing comes to mind. I miss being able to speak without having to think about how I sound. That is something I expect to fix. The rest is making me want to wake up every day and just enjoy. It wasn't easy to get to this point, but I also had a crap load of fun in my transition. It starts out harder but generally gets easier. I think when someone considers transition, there are so many fears that are never realized. I get worrying about them, but so many amount to nothing. Again, YMMV and I am not telling you what to do. Just food for thought. :)
Moni
I enjoy joking around with Moni but in all seriousness she knows her $#1+. The note above is spot on in my experience.
In general women are more accepting - I think it is because men's masculinity is threatened and women no longer see us as the other team. Tonight I had a very personal conversation with a new cis woman friend that I am positive would not have happened if I was still a guy. She knew me then but we didn't talk at all. I am actually going to start a thread about it but per usual I digress.
Regarding throwing that old life away that doesn't have to be the case to the degree you think it does. The entire point of this is being who you really are. Think of some stereotypical male activities - Hunting - softball - hockey - working on cars - riding a motorcycle - on and on. You can do ALL of them. I guess there is a handful of things you couldn't do but not many.
One of my first supporters is a transwoman that is a biker chick.
Don't pigeon hole yourself - you can live this life however you want to. Just because we identify as women doesn't mean we have to go around all frilly and drinking with our pinky in the air.
Women come in all shapes and sizes - personalities - occupations - hobbies - manners of dress etc etc.
And for the friends that reject you - why would you want them anyway? Some may reject you but I am VERY confident that it will be fewer than you think.
Maybe you hang around with some macho guys but here's the thing - are they jerks?? If so well then you have a problem. Are they decent guys ?? If so it will be better than you think. Even if they are tobacco chewing - butt kicking - beer can crushing tough guys - if they are good people then you will be fine.
BTW don't tell Moni that I said she is smart ;D :D
Wow this site can really draw out a lot from a person.
OK Moni I will answer your question: "Hmmmmmm! Now you have me curious. Do you want to share what activities. We talking a team sport?"
I have been a scuba diver since I was 17. My specialty is wreck diving. I have been a partner on a treasure salvage operation for over 10 years. It is one of the most dangerous diving there is. People die regularly. It requires physical strength and absolute confidence in everyone around you when you dive.
I will not be able to continue diving like this if I transition. My age is the first consideration but if I add the time I need when I start with surgeries, I am professionally done.
It has been an important part of my life. I have decided that it is a good time to retire from that kind of diving, so saying good bye to my old gender includes saying good bye to other things.
I accept that. I even welcome it and I am extremely happy with the change.
I appreciate your thoughts Moni and Kim. I am starting to internalize that there is at least a half filled glass.
I am starting to commit myself to actually fill the glass all the way up. Why not? I feel this tremendous excitement. As I said earlier, new toys and if necessary, new friends.
I finally get it. Thanks.
Massive hugs,
Emma
P.S.
Just to clarify my professional job has funded the diving. I'm a lousy golfer.
Besides working on cars, my very macho hobby is offroading (preferably rock climbing). I am a member in a pretty closed group of offroaders, and we have Wahtsapp meeting group. When I came out to them (I am th only woman there), the attitude in the Wahtsapp chat went to nice and polite, because now a woman was there. That did not last very long, after they realized that i can still do guys talk as well as I ever could as a guy. We are now the same tough guy group again, and I am still a member of it, I just look a little prettier now!
Kim mentioned the conversation she had with a cis woman. Well, I only have cis female friends, and we are now talking about female things (including female hygiene), they would never ever talked with me before about! Several of them knew that I was female when I was still presenting as a guy, but now that I am presenting as a woman among women, the closeness has increased even more.
I Found that the world out there is way more understanding and accepting than I was afraid they would. Those who don't, are not worth the while to be our friends anyway!
Major Emotional Update:
I have decided 100% that I am transitioning. I am making an absolute commitment (I like that I chose International Womens Day to make this decision).
My next decision is how.
I need one year to present male. I have already started HRT and laser. I start with a voice coach next month. I have someone teaching me make up. I don't want to increase the HRT until September.
Am I missing anything?
Thank you all for getting me here.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 08, 2019, 11:18:20 AM
Major Emotional Update:
I have decided 100% that I am transitioning. I am making an absolute commitment (I like that I chose International Womens Day to make this decision).
My next decision is how.
I need one year to present male. I have already started HRT and laser. I start with a voice coach next month. I have someone teaching me make up. I don't want to increase the HRT until September.
Am I missing anything?
Thank you all for getting me here.
Hugs,
Emma
Congratulations Emma. All the best on your journey to become your real self.
Paige :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 08, 2019, 11:18:20 AM
Major Emotional Update:
I have decided 100% that I am transitioning. I am making an absolute commitment (I like that I chose International Womens Day to make this decision).
My next decision is how.
I need one year to present male. I have already started HRT and laser. I start with a voice coach next month. I have someone teaching me make up. I don't want to increase the HRT until September.
Am I missing anything?
Thank you all for getting me here.
Hugs,
Emma
I wonder if the voice coach is the right thing at this time. If you want to present as a male for one more year, speaking like one a lot of times may be counterproductive?
Now that I don't slip into the male role anymore, it seems to be way easier for me to maintain my female voice for the entire day.
Thank you Paige for your thoughts and good wishes. I really appreciate them.
The two things I have been told that takes a long time is facial hair removal and voice training. I figure that I can get my voice accessed so I know what I need to do. I have to wait on the electrolysis for my face.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 08, 2019, 12:38:27 PM
Thank you Paige for your thoughts and good wishes. I really appreciate them.
The two things I have been told that takes a long time is facial hair removal and voice training. I figure that I can get my voice accessed so I know what I need to do. I have to wait on the electrolysis for my face.
I can't say anything to the voice stuff, because I have a naturally high pitch voice.
But electrolysis seems to take a while. I had one session so far, and one can hardly see any results. I think with that speed, you can look manly for quite a while, and sport that 5 o'clock shadow ( if you ever had one)
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 08, 2019, 11:18:20 AM
Major Emotional Update:
I have decided 100% that I am transitioning. I am making an absolute commitment (I like that I chose International Womens Day to make this decision).
My next decision is how.
I need one year to present male. I have already started HRT and laser. I start with a voice coach next month. I have someone teaching me make up. I don't want to increase the HRT until September.
Am I missing anything?
Thank you all for getting me here.
Hugs,
Emma
Emma. Hugs to you. Such a journey to here. I got a big smile.
I am starting the hair stuff too. Seeing a doctor next wee.
Such wonderful comments on this thread. They have helped me too.
Bless you all.
Gina
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 08, 2019, 11:18:20 AM
Major Emotional Update:
I have decided 100% that I am transitioning. I am making an absolute commitment (I like that I chose International Womens Day to make this decision).
My next decision is how.
I need one year to present male. I have already started HRT and laser. I start with a voice coach next month. I have someone teaching me make up. I don't want to increase the HRT until September.
Am I missing anything?
Thank you all for getting me here.
Hugs,
Emma
YAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I try not to predict if someone will transition or say IF they should. I only advocate for courage, truth and living authentically. That said - I kind of saw this one coming. :D ;D
I am so happy for you that you are at this place. It will tough, sad, happy and rewarding and at the end of the day a fulfilling experience. We will be here for you.
I like that you have a plan. I had a plan too. It is a good starting point and motivating. The plan will probably evolve but you need one to get started.
Regarding the electro - my suggestion is go for a couple of appointments and see how it is. They work on very small areas per visit. It is only noticeable for a couple of hours and is just a red blotch. And it takes FOREVER. 100 to 300 hours total. Get started. Nobody will be able to tell.
Unless of course you do the mass clearing nightmare that I post my pics of in the skin care thread. YIKES !!
I am so happy for you and proud of your courage.
Huge HUG
Thanks Gina and Kim. It's still baby steps but it felt really good.
Lol come on Kim, we all know you badgered Emma until she finally gave in. As for you Emma, never look Kim directly in the eyes or you are done for. She said something about me being smart, I'm not buying it. It's a trick I tell you! :P
Soooooooo, you know by now Emma, I am gonna have a question, right? If you want to share, (maybe I missed this in the thread) why do you need to present male for a year? Is it time to prepare? Is it time to do a specific task, tie up loose ends?
I will say that the indecision is really a tough thing to deal with. If you have made up your mind, I am very happy for you. I really am in awe of the strength it takes to not transition. My good friend and I went through our journeys at the same time. I transitioned, she didn't. For me, I could see my progress even with all the trials and tribulations I faced. She was on HRT which helped her a lot, but because of loyalty to people in her life, she was always kind of caged, limited in what she could do. I know she wanted more. So, if you have decided to transition, consider that just maybe it is the easier path in important ways. At any rate, I'm excited for you.
As for your diving, wow that's crazy stuff. I think you have a good attitude about it. If you did it and enjoyed it, that's awesome. Sounds like you were thinking of scaling down due to age? One chapter closes, one chapter begins. You might get a similar adrenaline rush from all your transition 'firsts.'
Moni
Hi Moni. Kim said something about cash payments if I came out...Something about winning a bet with you... ;)
The diving retirement just coincided with transitioning. Still a hard part of letting go.
The one year commitment is so my son can take over my practice. Coming out could damage the business.
I think the most compelling argument was death by a thousand cuts. I could handle taking the bullet for my wife but not a lifetime of continuous pain. I know that I am not heroic enough for that.
I just started to think about what I wrote earlier today and I just started to cry.
Wow I am just happy. Hugs, Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 08, 2019, 07:49:27 PM
I just started to think about what I wrote earlier today and I just started to cry.
Wow I am just happy. Hugs, Emma
Don't worry, we'll call off the bet, don't cry! Well, happy tears allowed.
Thanks Moni. I won't cash the check....but really sappy happy tears ;D
First - Moni and Emma - you two are hilarious :D ;D I work on commission recruiting MtF transitioners. It is a plot hatched by the far left LGBTQIA community.
Ok - before I started trying to be funny I was getting teary eyed. I don't know why your story has been so compelling because I have read hundreds of them but it just is.
YAY !!! :eusa_clap:
I was thinking this morning about all of this (what a surprise) and this highly appropriate thought crossed my mind:
It takes more balls to be the woman I am than to be the man I am trying to be.
T shirts for Trans Pride Day?
Kinda long for a T shirt - but if you are going for 'attitude' how about - 'it takes balls to be a transwoman'
And it would take 'balls' to wear that T shirt. :D
I am trying to stay awake for 2 days straight in order to flip from a night work schedule to a day work schedule therefore I take no responsibility for my comments over the next 48 hours. ;D
Quote from: KimOct on March 09, 2019, 05:56:24 AM
:D ;D I work on commission recruiting MtF transitioners. It is a plot hatched by the far left LGBTQIA community.
Ok - before I started trying to be funny I was getting teary eyed. I don't know why your story has been so compelling because I have read hundreds of them but it just is.
YAY !!! :eusa_clap:
Don't let her fool you Gina, now that Kim has Emma signed up, she will be after you. Run for your life.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 09, 2019, 03:31:58 PM
Don't let her fool you Gina, now that Kim has Emma signed up, she will be after you. Run for your life.
Moni
Muhahahaha Look into my eyes my pretty. :D
It takes so much balls to become a woman, I lost mine during the process!! :(
Quote from: Dietlind on March 08, 2019, 08:45:41 AM
.
.
I Found that the world out there is way more understanding and accepting than I was afraid they would. Those who don't, are not worth the while to be our friends anyway!
Hi Linde, 09 March 2019
All I can say is "Amen."
Vicky got her new monocle installed today.
Best Always, love
Christine
Quote from: christinej78 on March 09, 2019, 06:06:04 PM
Hi Linde, 09 March 2019
All I can say is "Amen."
Vicky got her new monocle installed today.
Best Always, love
Christine
Pretty soon the happy riding will start for the old girl (both of them)?
Earlier in this thread I posted an interview with Nora Monsecour. The movie about her will be released by Netflix on March 15.
I am re-posting it here because I thought it was so inspiring.
Hugs,
Emma
"Those criticizing Girl are preventing another trans story from being shared in the world, and are also attempting to silence me and my trans identity," Monsecour wrote, in part. "Every day, I see young, transgender people fighting for their dreams, accomplishing their goals. They are not weak and fragile. Girl tells my story in a way that doesn't lie, doesn't hide. To argue that Lara's experience as trans is not valid because [director] Lukas [Dhont] is cis or because we have a cis lead actor offends me."
"I made it through my darkest, most challenging times," she continued. "I am a professional dancer and a unique, brave, strong woman that knows exactly who she is and what she wants. Now, I can proudly say that I am transgender. I faced my challenges and my naysayers head-on and did not back down from my convictions. I will do the same to support this film, my friend Lukas, and this story."
Girl, directed by Dhont, a Belgian filmmaker, stars cisgender actor Victor Poslter as Lara, a 15-year-old trans teen who's based on Monsecour's real-life journey to become a trained dancer from a young age. The film currently enjoys a 95 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoesthis link opens in a new tab from 19 logged reviews written predominantly by cisgender male critics.
According to trans critics who've seen Girl, the issues go beyond the still prevalent problem of cisgender talent telling trans stories. Tre'vell Anderson from Out and Oliver Whitney from THR pointed EW to the camera's lingering fascination with Lara's genitals, featuring what they deemed to be unnecessary close-up shots of Lara "peeling tape off of her penis" and hovering "over her crotch." Others also criticized the apparent disregard of Lara's internal struggles.
Monsecour wrote that "Girl is not a representation of all transgender experiences, but rather a retelling of experiences that I faced during my journey."
"I spent countless hours focusing on my internal demons and feeling betrayed by my physical body," she added. "What hurt me the most was not the people who bullied me, who put me down, who didn't want me to succeed. What caused me the most turmoil was myself and my thoughts. In Girl, these thoughts became an important part of Lara's psyche too. I'm thankful to the team at Ghent Hospital, who helped me throughout my treatment, and consulted closely with Lukas on the film to ensure we were accurate. This was integral in developing the character of Lara."
(Spoiler warning.) Multiple critics, in conversation with EW, pointed to a particularly gruesome scene that closes out the film. One described Girl at large as "trans trauma porn" with "a sick kind of delight in portraying a trans body as a site of suffering."
Monsecour also defended the final scenes of Girl, though she clarified they weren't part of her real story.
"We made a film with some hard, honest scenes," she wrote. "Scenes that might be disturbing to watch, but that are crucial to show. I do not want to sugarcoat my experiences or hide away my darkest thoughts. I shouldn't have to — they are real and not uncommon in the trans community. Though my story does not include this final event, it's a thought that lingered in my mind every day."
"The process of creating Girl allowed me to accept myself as transgender and helped me finally love myself without anger or shame," Monsecour wrote. "But I also saw the tears rolling down the cheeks of young, trans girls standing in front of me when the film premiered in Cannes. I can still feel the warmth of their hugs, the smiles on their faces and I still read the messages of their parents thanking me. Girl is made for them, by a director who believed in me. A cis director who believed that my trans story deserved to be heard. A human being that loved someone so much, he dedicated 10 years of his life thinking about how to tell her story."
Thanks for the reminder. I really want to this.
Hugs
Gina
I love the phrase love myself without anger or shame.
I need to remember that
Gina
I love inspiration. Thanks Emma for sharing and Gina for believing.
This film was a great success in Germany, even the non trans people really liked it. I hope it comes to Amazon pime soon, because I do not have Netflix.
I can't wait to see it!
I keep playing the trailer for GIRL on YouTube. It makes me tear up every time.
Hi
Just watched the trailor. Wow!
"And a new therapist tomorrow. She sounds realy good. Baby steps.
Thanks you are a gem.
Gina
Glad you liked it Gina. It gets me every time. It is my trans fantasy. I always wanted to dance ballet.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 08, 2019, 11:18:20 AM
I need one year to present male. I have already started HRT and laser. I start with a voice coach next month. I have someone teaching me make up. I don't want to increase the HRT until September.
Am I missing anything?
Hello Emma,
Therapist is not on your list. By mistake, or on purpose?
As for voice work, it might take a year to get good enough that you are comfortable. And, likely, if you work for a year, you should be able to switch back and forth, although people are likely to perceive you as "gay" when in boy mode. At least this is my experience. And as I have said in other places, my time with my Speech Pathologist was literally life changing. More than hormones and any other medical procedure, since even if they can't see you, you can be perceived as female. I can cover up or augment all of the things hormones and surgeries did or would do. But you can't cover up your voice. Go for it, I say! ;D
Kate
Thanks Katie. I appreciate the advice. I know I will need lots more.
I have a great therapist who is slowly working her way into my will... ;) I will continue with her for the foreseeable future.
I intend to see where this year puts me and I will use this time to research everything thing that I plan to do and start what I can. My wife is the most important and our relationship is the most challenging.
This may be the slowest year in my life. I really hope it is not the saddest.
Quote from: KimOct on March 06, 2019, 11:23:31 PM
For those of you that have not met Moonflower SHE ROCKS !!!
Any MtF that has a wife as supportive as her is lucky indeed.
May all of you with a spouse be as blessed.
Don't be a stranger in these parts Moonflower :)
Kim! You caught me off guard! I can respond with distancing sarcasm, or feminine graciousness. Let's see how this works.
Thank you for such a kind message. I appreciate your support. You SO deserve a supportive spouse/partner/comrade. Let me know how I can help you locate and vet one.
Kim and Emma, hold on to your dreams!
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 07, 2019, 12:02:24 PM
Every time I see Emma's smile I know what is right.
May you always remember this declaration. Print it out, frame it, and hang it somewhere?
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 11, 2019, 05:44:44 PM
This may be the slowest year in my life. I really hope it is not the saddest.
You can't get your trans initiation card without extreme impatience. It goes with the territory.
Moonflower, hmmmm, who is this Moonflower? Oh yeah, her, she's awesome! Everyone should have one. ::)
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 11, 2019, 06:51:30 PM
You can't get your trans initiation card without extreme impatience. It goes with the territory.
Moonflower, hmmmm, who is this Moonflower? Oh yeah, her, she's awesome! Everyone should have one. ::)
Moni
Mommy! Moni and Kim are ganging up on me! I'm cornered! And deeply grateful to have fluttered into a position of hugging and celebrating and supporting and admiring such honorable people. Thanks for making room for me in your hearts.
Quote from: Moonflower on March 11, 2019, 06:58:02 PM
Mommy! Moni and Kim are ganging up on me! I'm cornered! And deeply grateful to have fluttered into a position of hugging and celebrating and supporting and admiring such honorable people. Thanks for making room for me in your hearts.
It is a delight reading your contributions!
Can those of us, who lost their spouses along the line, hire you on an hourly base? We all need an understanding shoulder to cry on once in a while!
I definitely am picking up on the Kim/Moni tag team act. You can be sad periodically but no wimps allowed ;) ;D
Moonflower thanks for having my back.
This is going to be a year of lots of doubt. It starts every time I kiss my wife. My single goal is to keep us together through this.
Its fragile but every day she stays with me gives me hope.
I have been reading along and I do hope you manage to keep things together. I know for my partner and I it has been a struggle at times but as things have begun to settle down it seems to be getting easier
Take care
Liz
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 12, 2019, 06:21:00 AM... This is going to be a year of lots of doubt. It starts every time I kiss my wife. My single goal is to keep us together through this.
Its fragile but every day she stays with me gives me hope.
Love. Keep the love. Work with it, don't let it fade. The phrase 'Love conquers all' is not just a cliché, it's true. It is still up to you to show it, strengthen it. Let her know that, whatever happens, Love is still there.
I know this struggle.
Dear Liz and Faith:
My plan is to delay the absolute statement that I will transition to my wife until September at the earliest. Over the next 6 months I hope that things evolve and that we have a natural dialogue without confrontation.
She continues to acknowledge that I am on HRT. We still hug and we still kiss but we still don't talk about my gender dysphoria much less the possibility that I will transition. Even I am still having difficulty processing that.
I know that she realizes through my actions and words that I love her and I am not leaving. I believe that she feels the same and doesn't intend to leave. I think that she has greater fears of what transitioning means than even me.
Her refusal to speak to a therapist requires my absolute commitment to being patient.
Hugs,
Emma
You attitude displayed in your response to me is what will get you through....you care...she cares...there is a way forward and a positive outcome for you both is very possible. :)
Liz
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 12, 2019, 08:02:13 AM
Dear Liz and Faith:
My plan is to delay the absolute statement that I will transition to my wife until September at the earliest. Over the next 6 months I hope that things evolve and that we have a natural dialogue without confrontation.
She continues to acknowledge that I am on HRT. We still hug and we still kiss but we still don't talk about my gender dysphoria much less the possibility that I will transition. Even I am still having difficulty processing that.
I know that she realizes through my actions and words that I love her and I am not leaving. I believe that she feels the same and doesn't intend to leave. I think that she has greater fears of what transitioning means than even me.
Her refusal to speak to a therapist requires my absolute commitment to being patient.
Hugs,
Emma
Dear Emma.
I am in a similar position. It has been clear that my wife's fears are as great as mine. Kiss and love. It's most of what we are trying gto do. She has her worries too.
I am finding doubts are s big part of my journey but also real joy. And growing sense of being on the right path. I saw that in your smile and throughout this wonderful story.
Keep smiling!
Hugs
Gina
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 12, 2019, 06:21:00 AM
I definitely am picking up on the Kim/Moni tag team act. You can be sad periodically but no wimps allowed ;) ;D
Moonflower thanks for having my back.
This is going to be a year of lots of doubt. It starts every time I kiss my wife. My single goal is to keep us together through this.
Its fragile but every day she stays with me gives me hope.
Yeah I like goofing around with Moni she cracks me up and if we are always serious this will be a depressing place.
But what you said above is absolutely true -"You can be sad periodically but no wimps allowed." The absolute truth especially when it comes to transitioning. - No wimps in this deal.
I get sad a fair amount of the time - just ask Ashley LOL she has heard 3 years of it. But after the pity party it's time to put on your big girl panties and move on. What other choice is there?
Do I get sad? Sure. Plenty. But then it's time to get going again. Welcome to life.
P.S. Maybe Moonflower has some advice regarding your wife. Ssshh quiet, don't tell her I said that. :D
Thank you Liz and Gina for your thoughts.
There is constant doubt and that doubt brings fear. I agree Gina, seeing Emma smile in every photo has convinced me that I am making the right decision but that doesn't prevent that nagging doubt from crawling in. Positive thoughts are always appreciated.
Kim I believe that being an adult is recognizing that sadness is part of our lives and not letting it control you. Clearly you get that. If I wasn't transgender there would be other things that would generate sadness.
Being transgender definitely makes that sadness unique but, as so many have shown on this site, there is still plenty of room for excitement and joy. I do enjoy the many celebrations that are shared here!
Hugs,
Emma
I have to say that this is a really great group of people on this thread. I feel good being a little part of it. I think my perspective is from a little further down the road them some of you. (Kim and Liz are always wanting to race me.) I see though that this is an agonizing process and you can't see into the future. You have this thing driving you and there are hints that indicate you are going in a good direction, but really there is no knowing absolutely what is right for you. So, I think sadness kind of goes hand in hand with the elation that you also experience in this process. The fact that others are involved makes this especially tough. I would like to applaud the positivity that I hear from you here. I fully believe there are times to mourn the bad or sad things. I lost my brother and a best friend within a few weeks this past summer. Yeah, I did my share of mourning. A very wise young friend ( @Sailor Mars on Susan's) inspired me with something she said. It was, "Don't let the darkness kill your light." That one little quote has helped me tremendously in keeping things in perspective. So I mourn and then get up, dust myself off, and keep looking for joy. Don't get me wrong, doing that with dysphoria was really hard. Let me just repeat, you ladies are awesome! Keep plugging!
Okay, who let serious Moni in here. KIM!!!!!!! What the f..............
Quote from: Dietlind on March 11, 2019, 08:47:18 PM
It is a delight reading your contributions!
Can those of us, who lost their spouses along the line, hire you on an hourly base? We all need an understanding shoulder to cry on once in a while!
Thank you, Linde, for your appreciation. Thank you also for sharing your story in the various threads here at Susan's. I'm here for you, too.
Got massively pounded by doubts the last few days. Lost a lot of sleep.
Really hounding myself with "Why do you really need to do this?"
There was a phrase that I learned in French class in high school that has stayed with me all these years:
"Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point." "The heart has reasons that reason cannot understand."
This has stayed with me all my life, in part because I have an internal conflict. I am massively logical and my profession relies heavily on it but I am equally massively a romantic.
This might explain my constant internal conflict. Logic solves life's problems while love gives life meaning.
I can't get the two sides to reconcile each other.
Unfortunately, the rub comes for me when I logically know that I should transition but in my heart I know that if I transition I am jeopardizing the love of my life.
There is cruel irony at work here.
Hugs and a few tears,
Emma
Quote from: Moonflower on March 12, 2019, 07:48:57 PM
Thank you, Linde, for your appreciation. Thank you also for sharing your story in the various threads here at Susan's. I'm here for you, too.
Thanks Moonflower, you are simply a wonderful human being!
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 13, 2019, 07:09:30 AM
Got massively pounded by doubts the last few days. Lost a lot of sleep.
Really hounding myself with "Why do you really need to do this?"
There was a phrase that I learned in French class in high school that has stayed with me all these years:
"Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point." "The heart has reasons that reason cannot understand."
This has stayed with me all my life, in part because I have an internal conflict. I am massively logical and my profession relies heavily on it but I am equally massively a romantic.
This might explain my constant internal conflict. Logic solves life's problems while love gives life meaning.
I can't get the two sides to reconcile each other.
Unfortunately, the rub comes for me when I logically know that I should transition but in my heart I know that if I transition I am jeopardizing the love of my life.
There is cruel irony at work here.
Hugs and a few tears,
Emma
A big hug Emma.
I know it's small comfort sometimes to know I and others share these doubts and the dilemma.
I wake asking if I am being foolish, selfish.....all I come back too is the yearning pain I carry.
I cry daily, step after step. Hugs help. I think of your story and others here. A lot. It helps me see clearly. Your sisters here really care.
Another hug
Gina
Thank you Gina. I needed the hug.
If it wasn't for you and everyone here I frankly don't know where I would be. I agree, the 24/7 nature of gender dysphoria leaves little time for peace. I had no idea January last year how important even an electronic hug could be.
Knowing that others share your pain and offer sincerely support and sympathy is massive. Finally realizing you are NOT alone removes an enormous sense of shame, guilt and anger from my life.
I am truly glad that this thread has been useful for others. It certainly has been for me.
Can I add a hug for you both?
Yes please.
I had a good day though. My heamotologist who treata me for the blood clot I got over a year ago. Oked HRT and referred me. I had delayed for months. I climb this mountain. I learned long >-bleeped-< climbing real mountains you can't hurry one step. Rest stops. But moving again., finally.
Hugs are good
Gina
Quote from: GinaG on March 13, 2019, 05:32:46 PM
Yes please.
I had a good day though. My heamotologist who treata me for the blood clot I got over a year ago. Oked HRT and referred me. I had delayed for months. I climb this mountain. I learned long >-bleeped-< climbing real mountains you can't hurry one step. Rest stops. But moving again., finally.
Hugs are good
Gina
Great news Gina! Hugs!
Oh my gosh !! Group hug already :D :D
Yeah there is something a little different to the group in this thread. I have read other outpourings of emotion and even though I am quite the sap and romantic and touchy feely sometimes I think ' alright already' ::)
To me this seems different - maybe because I am so involved but there is a lot of genuine emotion here....
even Moni :D you know I like her a lot cuz I like to tease her.
This is a journey that is a constant evolution and will continue to surprise you even when you are well down the road.
Let me give an example from today. So as I have been mentioning for a few weeks I started a new job today. It is with a company that leases a floor at a Fortune 30 HQ. A massive place with 4,000 people. There are hundreds of people walking the common areas and cafeteria at all times.
I walk in and meet the other 10 in my training class - none of us have met. We go on a tour. I am getting constant glances from all of these strangers. I am getting constant glances by many passers by. Two years ago I would have been freaking out. I would have been embarrassed, uncomfortable, self conscious. Did I feel that today? Yeah a smidgen I guess but no big deal.
Then I flashback to 3 years ago to when I first was out in public. Rushing to and from my car.... not taking my sunglasses off... hiding.
This journey changes - it does get easier in many ways. You just have to give it time - put on your big girl panties and do it.
YOU ALL GOT THIS.
Hugs to all of you.
Hey Gina I am really glad that you had a good day. You deserve it!
Moni and Kim thanks for the constant pep talk. It always radiates out!
There are always doubts in life surrounding every decision. Its just part of the deal. The doubts around transitioning late in life are huge. I know I am preaching to the choir with that statement here but doubts are also useful because they create caution to insure that you are making the best decision possible before you make it.
I am trying to reconcile my doubts so I know the day after the decision, making a public declaration of coming out, that I made the right decision. Before I get there I have another person and I simply need her to be a part of my life. My doubts include protecting her and our relationship.
I need as close as I can get to an absolute certainty before I make that final, irrevocable choice.
This thread would not exist if I was single. I would have started transitioning last year. I came to you all with a deep emotional crisis that I just couldn't resolve, hence the name of this thread.
This painful crisis and the doubts it has created will not end until I step, irreversibly, forward, hopefully holding the hand of my wife.
I know that's a lot to wish for.
I totally accept, as Kim and everyone ahead of me have shared, that even after that step, there will be other doubts and other crises. That's life.
This one is just a monster, the most soul-consuming in my life.
I am sorry about my continued ramblings. I just can't stop the 24/7 thoughts and doubts.
Thanks for being my therapy.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma
I think being cautious is very wise. Many have faltered in trying to do this. I managed to keep my 33 year marriage intact in a large part due to my wife's attitude and I will only accept partial responsibility for it.
One of the things I had to come to terms with was the question...do I really need to do this?
In the end obviously my answer was yes.
What I had forgotten about or minimalized was the years of angst, the years of thinking and wishing about it, the numerous bad decisions, the numerous bouts of self destructive behaviour and most of all the constant everyday thinking about this when I wasn't doing one of the other stupid things I just mentioned. Finally the sudden realisation that I was thinking about drinking again...I had been sober for 16 years and there was a very high chance I was going to drink again which was the equivalent of signing my own death warrant.
Try if you can and remember the times you have now forgotten about, the behaviour driven by your need...maybe then you will be able to make your decision with all the facts and not minimise how badly you are or aren't impacted by this.
Liz
Liz I absolutely agree with you. Actions speak louder than words and my continuing actions prove that my transitioning is inevitable.
My frustration and constant whining is that I need to wait a 18 months before I can make it official. A lot can happen between now and then.
Emma - I think you are being 100% candid regarding your wife being your greatest concern. I do not doubt that for a second. There are only two thoughts I want to throw in today.
1. If you are miserable then she will be miserable. I don't care how tough you are, how self sacrificing, how giving.
I am confident it will poison your relationship. This is obviously my opinion and I am nothing more than a bystander with an opinion. The reason I give that opinion is that you should search yourself and see if it rings true and discuss it with your therapist.
2. While I absolutely think your wife is your greatest concern I also think there is an element of fear about how you will be perceived. That is normal. I felt it immensely. Why do I hold this opinion? Because of many of the passing comments you have posted throughout these pages. I am far from calling you out. You are brave and as I have said many times you have done great things for yourself and others by sharing this.
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is doing something in the face of fear.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 14, 2019, 07:02:53 AM
Hey Gina I am really glad that you had a good day. You deserve it!
Moni and Kim thanks for the constant pep talk. It always radiates out!
There are always doubts in life surrounding every decision. Its just part of the deal. The doubts around transitioning late in life are huge. I know I am preaching to the choir with that statement here but doubts are also useful because they create caution to insure that you are making the best decision possible before you make it.
I am trying to reconcile my doubts so I know the day after the decision, making a public declaration of coming out, that I made the right decision. Before I get there I have another person and I simply need her to be a part of my life. My doubts include protecting her and our relationship.
I need as close as I can get to an absolute certainty before I make that final, irrevocable choice.
This thread would not exist if I was single. I would have started transitioning last year. I came to you all with a deep emotional crisis that I just couldn't resolve, hence the name of this thread.
This painful crisis and the doubts it has created will not end until I step, irreversibly, forward, hopefully holding the hand of my wife.
I know that's a lot to wish for.
I totally accept, as Kim and everyone ahead of me have shared, that even after that step, there will be other doubts and other crises. That's life.
This one is just a monster, the most soul-consuming in my life.
I am sorry about my continued ramblings. I just can't stop the 24/7 thoughts and doubts.
Thanks for being my therapy.
Hugs,
Emma
Emma I think you have a pretty clear idea of what is important. It is so difficult when what you want might not mesh with the most important person in your life. Just so you don't feel alone, I know this feeling myself. It does tear you apart. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. No one on here can help you with this, well, other than to listen and be a sounding board. I can say that if transition is what you need, it is never too late. (I think we are of similar age.) I also can assure you that the feelings that drive you won't go away. In fact they are likely to get stronger as you open your mind to the thought of transition as a real thing. I think that if you really focus on understanding how your partner feels, and try to work on this together, it is your best chance of staying together. My partner and I are still together. We are definitely not the same as before, but we have used our friendship to overcome things that would have destroyed many partnerships. Some problems unfortunately don't have solutions that are 100% wins.
I think Kim and Liz can testify to the process being hard. They can also tell you that despite all that, the rewards can be amazing. I went to see my old boss today. He knew me as a pretty macho, many times angry automotive technician. We had our battles. lol Not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined talking to him, completely comfortable as a woman, as I did today. We spoke of old times with no hint of it being weird. As you think about things, keep in mind, amazing things are possible. At the bottom of the mountain it sure looks tall and impossible to climb, but one foot at a time will get you there. Be hopeful, be positive!
Moni
Mom, Kim's teasing me! lol
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 14, 2019, 08:01:49 PM
I think Kim and Liz can testify to the process being hard. They can also tell you that despite all that, the rewards can be amazing. ....Moni
Mom, Kim's teasing me! lol
Moni is absolutely right...the process can be very hard but the rewards of still being with my soul mate are worth it...but isn't that the way with most things...anything worthwhile takes time and effort. I think you will be fine Emma. You seem to be very considerate of your spouse and are trying really hard to do everything you can...self doubt just comes with the territory.
Liz
Emma,
My wife and I are navigating similar terrain. We actually separated for 3 months this past summer, and that helped us both appreciate the value of our relationship and be willing to put in the work to make it last.
I learned to be more empathetic to her needs, and she became more understanding and tolerant of my needs. I guess the takeaway might be that we can all change and there's always hope.
Many members on this site talk about how much nicer people they became once they started into transition. Might that be true for yourself, and would your wife appreciate that?
Good luck and always hope for the best.
Hugs, Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Dear Kim, Moni, Liz and Randy (and everyone else):
Thank you for your incredibly warm, sensitive and intelligent thoughts. They always mean a lot.
I am clearly going to transition. I am now working on the "how"?
The most important "how", which will not be a surprise to anyone here, is finding a way to continue my loving, happy relationship with my wife. I know that we will always love each other but what I want is for us to be happy together the rest of our lives.
Really asking a lot huh?
In this first major "how" my goal is to give us every opportunity to navigate through this massively complex thing called transgender. Our generation has no history of acceptance or understanding so we have to work harder. Its like teaching a ninety five year old how to use an Iphone.
The rest of the "how to's" I can rely on all of you, my favorite analyst and local professionals to work out.
I want you all to know that ultimately I am absolutely not afraid to transition. As you all have read as I have been processing and documenting on my thread, you can't stop the train by standing in front of it. That is just silly. It took me a while to figure that out. It also took me a long while to understand just how really big the "train" was.
For me, my transitioning is a train without brakes. I can't and truthfully don't want to stop it. I cannot hold back that smile the you see on my face in the photos. They are real and deep. They repeat themselves when I touch the softness of my skin or or the growing weight of my breasts.
Unquestionably, it is the manifestation of a joy I have suppressed an entire lifetime. Stop it? No way!
Kim I have the courage and resolve. I have been called a "moral pit bull" many times in my life. I have no problem with who I am, I just needed to understand this deeply hidden "who" that I am.
This has truly been a thread that has weaved in all of my fears, confusion, discovery, sadness and joy.
Thank you for being a part of it.
Warm hugs,
Emma
Just a quick reminder GIRL is now available on Netflix.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 15, 2019, 07:36:31 AM
Dear Kim, Moni, Liz and Randy (and everyone else):
Thank you for your incredibly warm, sensitive and intelligent thoughts. They always mean a lot.
I am clearly going to transition. I am now working on the "how"?
The most important "how", which will not be a surprise to anyone here, is finding a way to continue my loving, happy relationship with my wife. I know that we will always love each other but what I want is for us to be happy together the rest of our lives.
Really asking a lot huh?
In this first major "how" my goal is to give us every opportunity to navigate through this massively complex thing called transgender. Our generation has no history of acceptance or understanding so we have to work harder. Its like teaching a ninety five year old how to use an Iphone.
The rest of the "how to's" I can rely on all of you, my favorite analyst and local professionals to work out.
I want you all to know that ultimately I am absolutely not afraid to transition. As you all have read as I have been processing and documenting on my thread, you can't stop the train by standing in front of it. That is just silly. It took me a while to figure that out. It also took me a long while to understand just how really big the "train" was.
For me, my transitioning is a train without brakes. I can't and truthfully don't want to stop it. I cannot hold back that smile the you see on my face in the photos. They are real and deep. They repeat themselves when I touch the softness of my skin or or the growing weight of my breasts.
Unquestionably, it is the manifestation of a joy I have suppressed an entire lifetime. Stop it? No way!
Kim I have the courage and resolve. I have been called a "moral pit bull" many times in my life. I have no problem with who I am, I just needed to understand this deeply hidden "who" that I am.
This has truly been a thread that has weaved in all of my fears, confusion, discovery, sadness and joy.
Thank you for being a part of it.
Warm hugs,
Emma
Dear Emma,
I too struggle with navigating with my wife We have no map covering this.
The transition is inevitable. Each step I take increases my hunger. Patience is so hard.
I did get good medical news, and have appointments set. In a few few weeks. I want it yesterday!
My Fears are not about about the transition. They are about the effects on my dearest love, my children. I think it may be like that for all of us who come to this later in life.
I do think we need to use the same strength, courage and patience we used to maintain our lives, however repressed, deluded, afraid...we may have been. Your courage shines in every post.
Thank you for that. And all you others. You ease my fears. Give such hope.
Hugs
Gina
"I cannot hold back that smile the you see on my face in the photos. They are real and deep. "
Did I miss something?
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 15, 2019, 07:36:31 AM
Kim I have the courage and resolve. I have been called a "moral pit bull" many times in my life. I have no problem with who I am, I just needed to understand this deeply hidden "who" that I am.
Emma
Emma I have no doubt that you have the courage and intestinal fortitude to do this. When I mention the fear I am referring to being out in public at first, how friends will react when you tell them etc etc. If you don't experience those things you are a far better woman than me. You probably are anyway. :D
M O M !!! Moni started it !!! ;D :D
Quote from: KimOct on March 15, 2019, 07:57:09 PM
Emma I have no doubt that you have the courage and intestinal fortitude to do this. When I mention the fear I am referring to being out in public at first, how friends will react when you tell them etc etc. If you don't experience those things you are a far better woman than me. You probably are anyway. :D
M O M !!! Moni started it !!! ;D :D
Kim's breathing my air! Are we there yet?
So who is going to be the first to start 'why are you hitting yourself?" I am 2 /1/2 years older than my brother.
'Why are you hitting yourself?" was always my favorite game. :D
Gina: I hope your path becomes easier to walk as time goes on.
Moni: The photos I am talking about are on Page 17 of this thread.
Kim: Its one thing to talk about future courageous actions and its another thing entirely to have been courageous. You and Moni have shown courage to get to where you both are. I still have a long way to get there. Let's see how tough I was when I catch up with you both. You both have set a wonderful example!
"Now Moni and Kim, the two of you just sit down and play nice with each other otherwise your Dad and I are not going take you to anymore nice places..." ;D
Hey I saw the pictures, we got a hot Mama! Woohoo!
I'll behave (not likely), if she does.
Hey Kim, I was the youngest of five. 'Why are you hitting yourself' was not so fun for me. I did learn to defend myself though. Ugh... from myself, yeah! (Scratching head)
I got my pay back from my brother. If I pushed too far he would get this crazed look on his face and I knew I had to either run or knock him out. I chose to run. :D
Oh yeah this thread is about Emma's journey to live her life. I will go look somewhere else for the sibling rivalry thread.
Moni - It would have been a blast being sisters. :)
I just wish you two would play nice. >:-)
Don't worry Kim I'll come up with a new crisis tomorrow as I walk in the transgender mine field.
I am taking a mental day off ;D I am letting nature take its course and not creating any stress for us today.
Let's all of us just breath in and breath out for a while.
Emma Every day doesn't need to be an emotional minefield nor should it be. For your story here to continue there are going to be some breathers. I hope you do keep it going both for yourself and others.
But constantly dealing with emotional upheaval is exhausting plus there is the rest of life to deal with. Being trans is not the totality of who we are.
That's why going off topic is good, such as Moni and I playing around. It keeps the conversation going and btw it's fun, that's something we can all use.
There will be time for all of the big 'questions' sometimes it's just good to take a chill. ( take a chill - I'm so hip LOL )
Moni and I will play nice.... for now :D
I wrote this this morning for myself and realized that I wanted to share in case this was useful for anyone else.
I sometimes conceptualize by mentally connecting the "dots" or disparate elements of thought. So these are my transgender "dots" as a time line:
4-5 years old: I traded with my girl play friend, my truck for a pair of her tights. I have always wanted to be a ballerina. I have been fantasizing that I would magically transform into a girl since then.
8 years old: Saw a Twilight Zone episode where a plain teenage girl gets transformed into a beautiful girl. I used to dream that was me. I always searched for anything that had a boy to girl/man to woman theme the rest of my life.
10 years old: I bought my first stockings. For the rest of my life I always had a secret stash of stockings, pantyhose and tights. I always thought I had a fetish but it was the only female garment that was easy to hide and gave me the female intimacy that I needed.
17 years old: I really tried to convince myself that I would grow out of my "fetish" when I went away to college...wrong. I finally realized that it was something that was never going away. I felt shame, embarrassment and fear of discovery. I walled it up so successfully that it wasn't until I was 62 years old that the wall collapsed.
62 years old: I was standing on a subway platform having a full-blown panic attack, my third in a week and I started looking at the train tracks as the train came in. I held on, not for me but for the incredible pain I would cause my wife and son.
I finally decided to get help.
63 years old: With the help of my analyst I finally truly understood that I was transgender. I joined an online transgender support group. I learned that I was not alone and that I was part of an incredible global community of millions of people experiencing the same pain. That shared pain allowed us to support each other to help climb our individual and shared "wall". With everyone's help, support and understanding I discovered:
I am transgender and I am ok.
Quote from: KimOct on March 16, 2019, 01:49:18 PM
I got my pay back from my brother. If I pushed too far he would get this crazed look on his face and I knew I had to either run or knock him out. I chose to run. :D
Oh yeah this thread is about Emma's journey to live her life. I will go look somewhere else for the sibling rivalry thread.
Moni - It would have been a blast being sisters. :)
Yes, Kim I get what you mean about Emma interrupting our back and forth with all her serious stuff. You would think it's her thread or something. Wait... did I read that wrong? Oh, yes, of course, she is gorgeous and quite intelligent! And, did you hear? I heard she's trans. Who knew? Well, we know about those trans girls, don't we? Hubba hubba!
Dear Emma, I missed out on yesterday's stress free day, so hence, the above. I am now ready for the mine field. Bring it on.
Moni ;D
Moni you really make me feel like the little sister that can't play with the big girls....I'm telling Mom ;D
I enjoyed my stress free day yesterday. It was also St. Patty's Day here in NY so there was no chance of being serious. In good Irish Catholic style we went out for Spanish tapas and red wine for dinner.
Thanks for making the minefield survivable.
Emma.
I'm glad you had a good day! I spent many years in Queens. Teaching in a Catholic High School.
All my friends there are Irish Catholics. I miss the the celelbration. Soda bread..
Happy St. Patty's day!
Gina
Haha, three years of Catholic school, ex Catholic here! From Long Island too!
Emma, you are growing up just fine, young lady!
Only lasted three years? I taught 14 there. Then escaped to Outside Cleveland.
Always wanted a cute school outfit.......
Eight years of the Sisters of Mercy (they showed none) and four years with the Christian Brothers (all black belt).
And I wonder where I learned emotional repression...
Sorry Gina, a very Happy St. Patrick's Day to you and everyone else.
The schools were tough back then. I was at St John's Prep. We weren't too mean.
We left the year after 9/11. What a time.
If you get a chance watch Heaven Help Us, a 1985 movie about growing up Catholic in Brooklyn. It was shot near my house. It nails the experience.
I missed the fun today. Still dealing poker one day a week. Sundays.
Emma - that timeline was amazing. Thanks for sharing that. Most of us lived something pretty similar but it was very well done and I got a little sappy. :) Very well written.
I guess we are sisters in a way. Sisters support each other - that's what we do. I wish we had lived it but maybe we can have a tiny taste of it by goofing around.
Just so you both know I am the favorite. :D ;D
I just can't stop crying. Why? I really hurt. Why, it makes no sense. It just came out of nowhere. I really hate this. I just can't stop. Sorry this came out of no where. Damn hormones
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 18, 2019, 12:31:52 AM
I just can't stop crying. Why? I really hurt. Why, it makes no sense. It just came out of nowhere. I really hate this. I just can't stop. Sorry this came out of of where. Damn hormones
oh, this, yeah. When this happens to me my wife (and my gal friends as well) just look at me and say, "Welcome to being a woman"
So, no sympathy there :P
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 18, 2019, 12:31:52 AM
I just can't stop crying. Why? I really hurt. Why, it makes no sense. It just came out of nowhere. I really hate this. I just can't stop. Sorry this came out of of where. Damn hormones
I actually liked when that happened to me.
Hormones more stable after 2 years so I don't get that as often anymore.
Combination of testosterone and social pressure to "man-up" never let that happen before. It's like Captain Barbosa in Pirates of the Caribbean when he got shot.
"I feel".
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I got up this morning and read your post Faith and just laughed out loud. Tonya you followed up and nailed it.
You both are right which means I finally made it to female with HRT in my fourth month. Yay!
I still present very male physically. The mirror isn't the true reflection. I keep forgetting that the HRT isn't waiting for the surgeries, I am very much transitioning inside right now.
Wow I am such an amateur! ;D ;D ;D
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 18, 2019, 08:19:54 AM
Wow I am such an amateur! ;D ;D ;D
Don't worry Emma, there's lots of us amateurs around although I would enjoy being paid to transition. ;D
Paige we are all professional transgender "athletes". Who else would or could put up with this pain, both emotional and physical?
Emma I will send you your official membership card. :D Welcome to the club !!
Edit - Just wait until your T is gone - Oh My ;D
Am I too late to sign up for the Olympic Sobbing events? My main event is the 40 yard tear jerker. Or was that a snatch and jerk? Oh I don't know, I'm so confused!
I figure we are the Navy Seals of gender. I have gay friends who think they have it tough...
We kick butt! We need a motto!
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 18, 2019, 07:22:55 PM
I figure we are the Navy Seals of gender. I have gay friends who think they have it tough...
We kick butt! We need a motto!
"Transgender. The only easy day was yesterday!"
(OK. Not so original. But totally applicable...)
Kate
I don't know Kate, I like the theme.
I like the very crude "It takes balls to become a woman".
To get classical:
Superbus et non confundamur"
unashamed and proud.
Hugs
Gina that one is great. Mine was very base (but it made me laugh) but your's shows a lot more class.
I was thinking this morning about how powerful the drive to present female and to pass is in all of us. I am on my 4th month of HRT and I am absolutely feeling totally female internally and yet it isn't enough.
I wasn't joking when I said earlier that we are the Navy Seals of gender. No one is willing to go through such extraordinary personal and physical pain to be the gender they need to be.
I am glad I am no longer ashamed that I am transgender.
I keep that thought before me. Unshamed. Your right it takes real courage and sacifice to undertake this journey.
I learned my courage from every person who responded to my fears from the start of this thread. I continue to be amazed by this remarkable community.
It constantly humbles me.
Massive hugs,
Emma
Quote from: KimOct on March 19, 2019, 08:16:57 PM
Emma I am so proud of you and happy that you have got to this place. Now for the rain on your parade. :'(
The shame subsidies over time. I am convinced that you are no longer beating yourself up and are beginning to like yourself. But the shame rears its ugly head in many ways. The embarrassment that you may feel at times in new situations is one of the main ones. That fear and embarrassment is rooted in the shame that you have been taught in our society your entire life.
If you don't feel it when first going out publicly or waiting at an appointment and giving your name before it is legally changed and on and on I will be very surprised. Transitioning is tough stuff. I think you have prepared yourself to take it on. And THAT is an accomplishment in and of itself.
Does my previous paragraph hold true for everyone last one of us? Of course not. We are individuals with different experiences but I believe it is pretty spot on for most.
I don't like bringing you down - I like encouraging you but I also want to have credibility through honesty.
The shame monster is probably not dead but you are kicking its butt. :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 19, 2019, 06:48:05 AM
I was thinking this morning about how powerful the drive to present female and to pass is in all of us.
TRigger warning possible
Emma and Gina,
To some extent my perspective has moved on from where you find yourself now. That certainly is a good thing. Healing from this dysphoria is possible taking the steps we need to take. Last night, I watched the movie,
Girl. At the end of that movie, there is a very disturbing example of the desperation that being trans can induce. I won't spoil it by saying the ending. Suddenly, I found many old emotions bubbling up that had gone dormant. My partner and I both were a mess. She has been through this as much as I have. I will just say that that reminder brought home for me what you two are dealing with now. My heart goes out to you. I wish you both the strength and patience that you will need. Hugs!
Moni
Can't get that out of my head all day.
That Moni is pretty smart when she is not being goofy. :) ( There should be a heart emoji )
Both of us have mentioned the tough stuff but this journey is also joyful. It truly is a roller-coaster ride. Finding your new life is not a linear progression. Enjoy the highs and tough out the lows. We are here for each other and everyone when they need it. And I still need it from time to time myself.
I play guitar ( poorly, same skill level for 40 yrs) one of my favorite songs to play because it's easy.....
As Bill Withers once said......
Lean on me when you're not strong.
And I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on.
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on.
Kim are you trying to talk me into golf? I'd still rather transition... ;)
Moni and Kim:
I know this is not linear. Transitioning is sloppy and emotional and totally logically illogical. I am so slapped around 24/7 by feelings that include anger, sadness, loneliness, joy, humor, fear and doubt.
I don't feel shame (definition: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.) anymore because I absolutely know it's not my fault. I won't pass right away or maybe never will but my attempts are never foolish, they are my learning exercises.
Whether I transition or not, I will always be surrounded by people judging me. I never let someone else judge me that I don't respect. The key is to have respect for yourself. From that comes the confidence to be yourself!
Moni I have watched GIRL a couple of times now. It demonstrates that immense power driving many of us that gives us the will to overcome all odds to be who we must be. Her solution just shows how desperate the solution can become when none are offered. Notice in the last shot of the film the firm confidence on her face as went on with the rest of her life.
Fortunately the real girl never had to use that solution.
I do know that the drive to transition for me is extremely power, so powerful that I accept I am transitioning and hoping that my wife can accept that and that we stay together.
❤️❤️❤️
Hearts fir everytone.
I told my therapist yesterday it was a roller coaster. Doubt, confidence, fear, hope. Joy.....kinda like life.
The posts here are so. Good. Honest and loving. I am collecting people to lean on. It eases the sense of lonely struggle. I admit in my moments of clarity that I am really just starting puberty in a few weeks. Inside I am just a girl. This little girl needs help in that. Big sisters. I grew up with one.
Kim, I play guitar too. Over 40 years. I lean on my guitars a lot.
Thanks so much. Hugs
Gina
Ok I have my first electrolysis session today. This is going to be a long year.
Maybe I should have taken up golf instead.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 20, 2019, 07:22:41 AM
Kim are you trying to talk me into golf? I'd still rather transition... ;)
Why not both?
I still play golf and no I don't hit from the red tees now.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 21, 2019, 06:21:00 AM
Ok I have my first electrolysis session today. This is going to be a long year.
Maybe I should have taken up golf instead.
Quite possibly have played golf after an electrolysis session. Worst part of electrolysis for me is the not shaving so I do those early as possible in the day so I can go home and shave right away. I know the advice is no make up after, but I've had no problems using BB cream to cover the red.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I can't play golf, Tonya and if I do I have to file for a permit with the EPA because I am a danger to animal and trees (not to mention the odd windows).
I'll stick to Pirate Cove Mini Golf in Orlando Florida. If I sink the last hole a volcano erupts.
I didn't know about shaving. I shaved this morning and my appointment is at 4 pm so this may be a consultation.
Might be able to fo a few plucks on you today depending how fast your hair grows.
I did the same for my first appointment. I didn't know about the not shaving either but it was only a 15 minute free consult. She still was able to give it a few hits to test me out.
In the beginning it was two days growth, now she wants 4. I only have to leave a small area for her to work and I lasered away the few dark hairs I had so it's not too noticeable.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Thankfully Tonya most of my beard is grey. I hope that helps but ouch I am expecting a long road on this one.
Ok now I have a technical question:
Do breast buds periodically change sizes? I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again. I don't have a clue if that's normal.
Thanks. It great to have big sisters to ask these questions.
Since you have some time, Emma, before you expect to be "full time" this could work well. Going a day or two or more is VERY difficult if you don't have "male mode" as an option.
While not full time, I had literally never left the house without shaving, and going two days was hugely limiting. It took a lot of planning to schedule appointments based on when I could hide for two days before hand. No fun at all.
The moral of that story: Get all the electrolysis done before you expect to go full time...
;D
Kate
Quote from: KatieP on March 21, 2019, 09:36:19 AM
Since you have some time, Emma, before you expect to be "full time" this could work well. Going a day or two or more is VERY difficult if you don't have "male mode" as an option.
While not full time, I had literally never left the house without shaving, and going two days was hugely limiting. It took a lot of planning to schedule appointments based on when I could hide for two days before hand. No fun at all.
The moral of that story: Get all the electrolysis done before you expect to go full time...
;D
Kate
Would you think there is any reason to be on hormones prior to starting electrolysis? I had a consultation with a laser/electrolysis place a while back and it was strongly recommended that I be on HRT for several months before starting electrolysis. I have not made the decision to start HRT or transition, but am pretty sure I want to get rid of the beard. Given that hormones don't impact facial hair much, that recommendation seemed strange to me.
Other than slowing growth a little bit for some people I can't think of any good reason to wait. Facial hair doesn't recede like body hair does.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 21, 2019, 06:21:00 AM
Ok I have my first electrolysis session today. This is going to be a long year.
Maybe I should have taken up golf instead.
Golf will always be here, just enjoy your journey and your beautiful self.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thanks Katie, Randi, Colleen and Andie for your responses.
I am going to pull forward my newest technical question that may have gotten lost in these responses:
Do breast buds periodically change sizes? I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again. I don't have a clue if that's normal.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 21, 2019, 11:41:26 AM
Thanks Katie, Randi, Colleen and Andie for your responses.
I am going to pull forward my newest technical question that may have gotten lost in these responses:
Do breast buds periodically change sizes? I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again. I don't have a clue if that's normal.
Mine really have not changed yet but I am expecting the same thing to happen with me. You honestly should be so proud and excited for you growth as the woman inside of you.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 21, 2019, 11:41:26 AM
Thanks Katie, Randi, Colleen and Andie for your responses.
I am going to pull forward my newest technical question that may have gotten lost in these responses:
Do breast buds periodically change sizes? I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again. I don't have a clue if that's normal.
That wasn't my experience. But I am pretty sure that every possible strange thing is completely normal in these sorts of circumstances...
;D
Kate
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on March 21, 2019, 10:49:07 AM
Other than slowing growth a little bit for some people I can't think of any good reason to wait. Facial hair doesn't recede like body hair does.
I totally concur. In my opinion, removing facial hair and HRT are completely orthogonal decisions.
For me, hormones affected leg and chest hair, and had no discernable effect on arms and face.
Kate
I just had my consultation and I must not shave for the next appointment. :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 21, 2019, 11:41:26 AM
Do breast buds periodically change sizes? I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again. I don't have a clue if that's normal.
Mine did that. It wasn't a dramatic size difference but they definitely varied a bit from week to week.
Thanks Colleen. I am in uncharted territory.
Another milestone Emma - Electro. Yeah you might want to rethink the golf option :D Electro is a pain in the face and the butt. Literally and metaphorically. It does take forever. Shaving the same day...no bueno. The day before... an experienced tech can handle that... mine did and my beard grows somewhat slowly.
I would probably go 2 days your first time or two just to make sure she can get it. Then ask if you can go for one day of no shaving.
You think it is bad not shaving for a day or two now? Just wait until you are full time and still getting treatments and then go without shaving. There is not enough concealer in the world for that. A real treat that is. UGH.
The happy part is.......
You are starting to remove your beard. YAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is exciting. :) :) :eusa_dance:
Thanks Kim. This whole process is getting very tangible.
My friend Kim started a thread about her journey in "Why did I start so late." I wrote my response and decided to re-post it here because we are all going through the same pain:
Hey Kim:
I really want to thank you for writing this. I helps me every time I read the personal stories here. Its like reading my own over and over again.
It reminds me that the painful shame that I hid all these years was not my pain alone. We are all victims and we all need to understand that. It took me a long time, with your help and everyone else's, for me to finally get it.
It's not our fault.
We had no control over how our gender was pre-wired and then how our bodies were built. Society gave us no tools back then to have any conceptual idea of what happened to us nor way to verbalize our confusion and pain. We were bottled up with fear and shame for decades.
The next challenge is figuring out what each of us needs to do next. Thank you for your courage and for sharing.
Big hug,
Emma
Emma, I am honored to be your friend. :)
It is entirely my honor Kim.
I have always been impressed by the camaraderie portrayed by THE BAND OF BROTHERS .
I have seen that bonding here. This is a Band of Sisters!
Really got beat up again by my endless doubts. "Why is this necessary?"keeps echoing in my head. I am so tired of asking that question.
If i transition does the doubt stop? I would really like a break. I should rename this thread "which gives me less doubt?"
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 24, 2019, 11:55:26 AM
Really got beat up again by my endless doubts. "Why is this necessary?"keeps echoing in my head. I am so tired of asking that question.
If i transition does the doubt stop? I would really like a break. I should rename this thread "which gives me less doubt?"
Emma, does this ring true? You ask why it is necessary because of the 'costs' of transitioning, not the end result.
Hi Moni:
I guess my endless problem is I have at least a year before I make the irreversible decision and go for GCS followed by another year wait for FFS.
I will continually keep asking the "cost". I won't know the worth until after the surgeries and then I can tell the "value" versus the "cost". Until that time I will constantly keep asking the question.
I should probably stop this thread because I am trapped in this emotional loop and you all don't need to read it over and over again.
It's a mental trap and I am stuck with it. I know I am wired female. It's the presentation need that I keep evaluating.
It's humorous. As I keep protesting here, I keep advancing my transition by everything I do and have done so far but it is all still reversible so the ultimate risk is pretty much zero.
GCS and FFS requires a 100%, irreversible decision. That is a very high personal investment. I keep asking is it a fantasy or a necessary reality.
So around in circles I go 24/7.
I wish I could just do the surgery now and be done with it. It's kind of "put up or shut up". I am tired of hearing myself. You must be too.
Emma
Emma - Several thoughts. First Moni makes a good point.
Second 'It's a mental trap and I am stuck with it. I know I am wired female. It's the presentation need that I keep evaluating.' Yep you are wired female. My opinion - live as you know you are.
Third ' I am tired of hearing myself. You must be too.' 13,000 views - I don't think people are tired of reading it. If so they can stop reading. Obviously your story resonates with many people, primarily 'lurkers' btw 'lurkers' is not the derogatory word is sounds like - rather it is just referring to those of you that don't post. For those of us that have transitioned - no offensive - your story is kind of old news. But we want to help you and others.
Lastly - At the end of the day all of this is your decision and yours alone. Whether to keep this thread going, whether to have surgery, whether to transition. It's all up to you. I think you know, but it is not my or anyone else's opinion that matters, it is yours.
Moni said it much more succinctly than I did but these paragraphs all boil down to her one point. I just gave her point an explanation.
Hugs to you always.
God dam it Kim you got me crying again. I need some time off. This crying is killing me.
Sorry :'(
I hate myself. I am so dark.
I cant stop crying. I hate this. I just want this to stop. Dear god enough
I am so so sorry I need to stop. My heart is breaking.
Please call your therapist tomorrow. Not because you are crazy or something stupid. Because the tough times like this are what they are there for.
You are in our thoughts.
PS I have called my therapist several times in the last few years. Most recently a few months ago at 500am and left a voicemail. I just needed someone to 'hear' how I felt. I am pretty strong but we all fall apart sometimes. And then we get up.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 24, 2019, 09:46:35 PM
I am so so sorry I need to stop. My heart is breaking.
Deep breath...call a friend or therapist. Write to me if you want but please talk with some one. Feel better soon
Hugs
Liz
I am very sorry Kim. I wasn't angry with you, you know that.
And Liz thank you for your thoughts.
I was massively raw last night and then had too much wine. It really exposed my feelings.
Those feelings are very powerful and I keep trying to fight them or negotiate with them. They obviously cannot be ignored.
The strength of those feeling scare me. I had them so successfully walled up for years that I really didn't even know they were there any more. The emotionally explosive nature of them over the last 18 months have just pounded me endlessly.
I really need to find a better way to channel them for the next year. Clearly I am not doing enough right now.
Emma,
All I can say is I am sorry for your torment. Take time away if you feel it. Distract yourself if you can. It isn't good to think of anything all the time. With dysphoria, you want an answer not now, but yesterday. Those answers don't come that quickly. In the mean time, you want to beat your head against the wall with frustration. I've been there. I would suggest you keep this thread open. Don't worry about irritating others. During my waiting times, I came on here many times. I think secretly, deep down I hoped to find something said here to be some sort of answer. Of course, the answer was not in these words said by me or others. It did give me a lifeline, a connection that helped me. Yes I still had to wait. Nothing satisfied me until my life moved on, but being on here gave me a sense of belonging. It helped me think about building the person I wanted to become, and it let me vent. I formed bonds with others. I helped others through tough times and they helped me. I know there are some who are helped by your words. In this whole rotten process of going through all this crap, helping others is definitely a bright spot. If there is one thing I have learned in my journey, it is to keep a basic core of positivity within yourself. Fight like hell to keep it. Giving in to the negative is a trap that only makes things worse. Keep communicating even if you need a break for a while. Hugs to you! Nice warm wet ones! Well, maybe not wet! :o
Moni
Thank you Moni.
You are right I just want to move on but I wish it wasn't as brutally painful as it is. It is forcing me to make decisions I don't make and to hurt people that I never want to hurt.
Even if I want to move forward, I can't. The year plus wait is going to be massively difficult. It gives time for the uncertainty and doubt to fester. I will need to find positives to prevent the emotional rot.
I will keep this thread going because its one of the very few places that I can celebrate the incremental changes in my gender with people who care, understand, support and will cheer with me. I like the "yays!!!"
A very DRY hug,
Emma
I just need to add, you all are great. Thank you all for your support. You have been there for me.
Thank you is inadequate but thank you.
Massive hugs,
Emma
That darn Moni - Mom told ME I was the smart one !! :D
So I am guilty of the following word to which here is the definition:
ru·mi·nate
verb
1.
think deeply about something.
"we sat ruminating on the nature of existence"
synonyms: think about, contemplate, consider, give thought to, give consideration to, mull over, meditate on, muse on, ponder on/over, deliberate about/on, cogitate about/on, dwell on, brood on/over, agonize over, worry about, chew over, puzzle over
I am an expert.
Emma - Please do your best to get your mind off this sometimes. I don't think that means going away for awhile, but if that feels right to you please do so. There are two reasons I goof around with Moni.
1. It's fun.
2. To lighten the mood.
Like the time you almost said Emma when giving your name to someone. There truly are funny things on this journey.
Sometimes when we are out in public they just occur to us. Try to look at the ridiculous side of this whole thing. There really is one. There are two sides to this coin. The brutally hard one that causes pain and requires courage and the side that is beautiful, joyful, funny and affirming.
Try to see them both.
Now to turn this about me for a minute....
Emma and I PM occasionally and I tend to RUMINATE ;D about if I am ever hurting her feelings because of the whole tough love thing. She has assured me repeatedly I am not. But I was thinking about it today and even if Emma is tough enough to take it I got to thinking what about others.
What got me through transitioning was that kind of tough love but it probably is not for everyone. I am second guessing my approach on this forum. I would love to hear other opinions. Do I come on too strong challenging people? The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, I want to help. I would appreciate responses from people that have read enough of my posts to have a sense of how I am and not just off the cuff comments.
Lastly Love takes many different forms. Love of a parent, a child, a friend, romantic love. What is love between people that only communicate in writing and have never spoken or met? I don't know exactly because it is certainly not to the same depth as the aforementioned ones but I say it can exist.
We love you Emma and the others of you reading this that don't participate.
We could love you more if we knew you. :D ;D
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 25, 2019, 06:38:43 PM
I just need to add, you all are great. Thank you all for your support. You have been there for me.
Thank you is inadequate but thank you.
Massive hugs,
Emma
I am glad you are felling a bit better...this being Trans is a tough gig and sometimes it just get the better of us. If you were to read my threads on here there are plenty of times I was really upset about different things and its all just part of the journey.
Stay positive and take care of yourself.
Liz
Quote from: KimOct on March 25, 2019, 06:58:32 PM
That darn Moni - Mom told ME I was the smart one !! :D
So I am guilty of the following word to which here is the definition:
ru·mi·nate
verb
1.
think deeply about something.
"we sat ruminating on the nature of existence"
synonyms: think about, contemplate, consider, give thought to, give consideration to, mull over, meditate on, muse on, ponder on/over, deliberate about/on, cogitate about/on, dwell on, brood on/over, agonize over, worry about, chew over, puzzle over
I am an expert.
Emma - Please do your best to get your mind off this sometimes. I don't think that means going away for awhile, but if that feels right to you please do so. There are two reasons I goof around with Moni.
1. It's fun.
2. To lighten the mood.
Like the time you almost said Emma when giving your name to someone. There truly are funny things on this journey.
Sometimes when we are out in public they just occur to us. Try to look at the ridiculous side of this whole thing. There really is one. There are two sides to this coin. The brutally hard one that causes pain and requires courage and the side that is beautiful, joyful, funny and affirming.
Try to see them both.
Now to turn this about me for a minute....
Emma and I PM occasionally and I tend to RUMINATE ;D about if I am ever hurting her feelings because of the whole tough love thing. She has assured me repeatedly I am not. But I was thinking about it today and even if Emma is tough enough to take it I got to thinking what about others.
What got me through transitioning was that kind of tough love but it probably is not for everyone. I am second guessing my approach on this forum. I would love to hear other opinions. Do I come on too strong challenging people? The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, I want to help. I would appreciate responses from people that have read enough of my posts to have a sense of how I am and not just off the cuff comments.
Lastly Love takes many different forms. Love of a parent, a child, a friend, romantic love. What is love between people that only communicate in writing and have never spoken or met? I don't know exactly because it is certainly not to the same depth as the aforementioned ones but I say it can exist.
We love you Emma and the others of you reading this that don't participate.
We could love you more if we knew you. :D ;D
Kim,
I for one appreciate your comments. They are honest., based on your experience. Always they make me think. I need the truth about the pathI am on. I never read mean, or ugly in your words. Your care and love permeates your posts. Maybe a tough love thread would be interesting.
Emma, I am sorry it is so hard. I was in a black mood a few days ago too. It seems so far that I have to go. You too. Patience is so difficult after so many years of denial. Your posts inspire me, and I know others. You are honest about the ups a downs. I have little to contribute. Just a beginner in transition. But I do care for everyone here already.
Hugs to you both.
Gina
Gina - Here is what you have to contribute.
1. Honesty
2. Ask questions. (others are probably thinking the same )
3. Talk about your feelings (see above )
When I was on the forum I used to haunt (I am much happier here ) I was a newbie but I made a bit of a splash by asking questions - not just on other people's threads but I would start my own thread with a well thought out question.
You do have much to contribute even as someone just starting this journey, it's just that your contributions are from a different place. And we are here to help when you need support, especially people that are smarter than me. Which is almost everyone :D
After last nights' melt down I have decided to share something massively personal. I feel I owe it to you.
I actually prayed tonight. I prayed for strength. I always thought of myself as strong. I have always been strong for others. I always thought I was strong enough for me.
Obviously not. I need more strength.
This is where it it gets very personal and I think this is the right place and the right people.
For five years my son fought leukemia.
Endless nights I spent in his room at the hospital. I even slept on the floor of his ICU. He never ever asked "why me?"
He was the strongest person I ever met. Many times after his passing I asked "am I strong enough?" I am still here.
He is one of the reasons why I didn't do anything on that subway platform and sought help.
I needed his strength.
This is a brutal process.
I keep asking why me. The answer is simple, "you have no choice".
I don't want to accept who and what I am but he had no choice either. I need to accept it is not my choice but I need to accept that I still have choices....he had none.
I need to accept and choose. I should recognize that I have better options than he was given. As hard as that is, I have a better choice.
Thanks for hanging with me. Choose and live a better life. There is worse out there.
Have strength.
Hugs,
Emma
I want to share some additional thoughts.
I truly have joy. I touch my the growth of my breast. It brings me totally joy. I love the feel. I love the change. I love the incredible sensation of the softness of my skin. The joy is inescapable.
But it brings guilt. I know my wife can't share that joy. I hope that some day she will under stand but I know know that it is up to me to help her understand and that she will.
It is her choice and that it is up to me to try and get her there. She will have to choose. My choice is already made....I hope.
In the end, I have no choice. The joy is real and inescapable. Last night was my drucken attempt to fight back against the inescapable. I need to accept. Everything else is just stupid.
I hope this makes sense to you. I am still trying.
I love you all for being there for me.
Hugs to all,
Emma
Emma, I'm so sorry for your difficulties, and for the loss of your son in the past. You will always miss him and think of him. I'm glad you can find joy, and you know the path you want to take. Give it time (you have to -- a year).
@KimOct, I don't find your tough love approach at all harsh or off-putting. Your genuine care and concern always shows through.
Hugs, Randy
Emma,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. THAT is the hardest think ever, I think!
With warmth,
Moni
Thank you Randy and Moni for your thoughts.
We all carry tragedies in our lives. I didn't share for the drama of it, I shared my son's passing because it is key to my thoughts lately. Do I have enough strength to transition?
His strength is my goal. I want to stop whining because I have a better choice than he did and he never whined.
Clearly I am frustrated, angry, scared and doubtful. That's when you need strength the most and that's when I think of him.
Hugs,
Emma
Emma I also am sorry for your loss. I was aware - I don't remember if it was this thread or PM. It is probably one of the most devastating things someone can endure.
I can relate somewhat because I have 2 non verbal autistic kids they are in their 20s and will never have what most consider a meaningful life. I am glad they are still with us but I grieve the loss of their life experiences every day.
Even for those of us that are strong - I include you - eventually our strength runs out. I have had many other challenges I have mentioned in other posts. I told my therapist that my 'gas tank' is almost empty. There is only so much we can endure. But I ALWAYS find people every day that would love to be me. I have a place to live, food, a car, a job, healthcare. I am sane (quiet Moni :D ) I am healthy enough to still live a full life.
There is always someone that has it worse. Does that make our problems insignificant? Of course not. But what's important is to look at life as a balance of our blessings and our challenges.
That is how when our 'gas tank' is empty we can find more in the reserve tank. I always seem to find some left in the tank just when I thought it was empty.
YOU WILL TOO.
I am on a professional conference.
I have spent the last two night talking to young professional women. I talked to them about their tremendous potential as people and as women. My job is dominated by men. We shared a lot a about being female in our business.
I loved be so supportive.
I made them beleive that my client was mtf transgender (obviously me) and
helped them understand the difficulties of being transgender. I loved the dialogue. It made me feel accepted. It went on for hours.
I know my job is to realize the strength of my convictions and to share that strength and support with my wife. If I can't provide that bedrock of conviction I will lose her.
I need that absolute strength.
That is my goal.
I wish you all strength and hope.
A very deep hug and love,
Emma
Emma I understand you are dealing with the rest of life as we all should. Our livelihoods matter and outside interests.
Being trans is only a part of who we are.
When you do get a chance to read this I have a suspicion that as your wonderful conversation (not sarcasm ) that you carried on with those women the more you shared about your 'client' and your support and understanding of trans issues they probably figured out it was you.
A passing mention would not have tipped them off but prolonged support and empathy probably did. It was most likely a good thing and part of the reason they bonded with you, and of course your professional knowledge and charming personality.
Usually when we think we are flying under the radar in reality their radar is flashing brightly.
Enjoy the conference. Talk to you soon.
PS for future reference for everyone - tipping your hand a little bit is not a bad thing. Then people are less surprised when the day comes.
Kim you made me laugh.
You are right I was feeling so smooth with my introduction of the subject. Both times it was a cocktail party. They were great conversations fueled by glasses of wine.
Hmmmm, so you think I was "reversed clocked"? Wow, stealth transitioning is tougher than I thought and I have at least another year.
I have to make sure my "slip" doesn't show until then ;D
Uh..... yeah. :D I think you reverse clocked yourself. Outed yourself is more accurate. Of course there is no way of knowing for sure what they were thinking and they probably aren't sure either but I believe they were probably thinking - 'I think we are talking to the 'client' :D No big deal.
I know that you have concerns regarding your wife and your son related to the business and that is a big factor in your transition process. Very understandable. But I still standby my belief that transitioning usually doesn't go as originally planned. How much it varies depends on each person or circumstance.
Mine varied dramatically from the original plan, yours may not. Regardless how much it varies from the plan having a plan was still important for me. It keeps you moving forward, and then you make adjustments.
Keeping up a facade will become more challenging. Maybe some cracks in that facade are not a bad thing.
Quote from: KimOct on March 28, 2019, 07:17:07 PM
Uh..... yeah. :D I think you reverse clocked yourself. Outed yourself is more accurate. Of course there is no way of knowing for sure what they were thinking and they probably aren't sure either but I believe they were probably thinking - 'I think we are talking to the 'client' :D No big deal.
I know that you have concerns regarding your wife and your son related to the business and that is a big factor in your transition process. Very understandable. But I still standby my belief that transitioning usually doesn't go as originally planned. How much it varies depends on each person or circumstance.
Mine varied dramatically from the original plan, yours may not. Regardless how much it varies from the plan having a plan was still important for me. It keeps you moving forward, and then you make adjustments.
Keeping up a facade will become more challenging. Maybe some cracks in that facade are not a bad thing.
I find it incredibly hard to believe! Unbelievably unlikely, but I agree with Kim. lol I think it likely your time line is gonna be different than your plan calls for. We'll just have to see. (Foot tapping, looking at watch, big sigh!)
Ok Kim and Moni:
I have decided I am not transgender....I am Tahitian.
Now leave me alone! ;D ;)
Aloha,
Anuata
PS I'm telling Mom!
Ok had my first electrolysis yesterday.
It really hurt but not as bad as I thought it would be. The real "pain" is understanding I have a long way to go...ouch!
Fortunately my beard is mostly grey so I am having laser on the dark hairs and have the electrolysis focused on the grey ones.
I salute all of you that have done this!
Electrolysis is proof of the power of transitioning. Who in their right mind would go through all this?
Honestly even with the pain I felt relief starting the process but I keep pushing back against this transition freight train as it slowly keeps rolling down the track. I am still not ready to stop fighting transitioning. I continue to stubbornly hope I can find a compromise much to the quiet smiles of those who know better.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 29, 2019, 06:58:58 AM
Ok had my first electrolysis yesterday.
It really hurt but not as bad as I thought it would be. The real "pain" is understanding I have a long way to go...ouch!
Fortunately my beard is mostly grey so I am having laser on the dark hairs and have the electrolysis focused on the grey ones.
I salute all of you that have done this!
Electrolysis is proof of the power of transitioning. Who in their right mind would go through all this?
Honestly even with the pain I felt relief starting the process but I keep pushing back against this transition freight train as it slowly keeps rolling down the track. I am still not ready to stop fighting transitioning. I continue to stubbornly hope I can find a compromise much to the quiet smiles of those who know better.
Hugs,
Emma
Are you doing all the "steps?" At least 4% lidocaine cream 15 minutes before, ibuprophen an hour before (max therapeutic dose...), no coffee at least 4 hours before, well hydrated always.
These seem to be the keys to getting through each session...
Good luck!!
Kate
Thanks Katie. Great information. Is the 4% lidocaine cream over the counter?
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 29, 2019, 08:39:59 AM
Thanks Katie. Great information. Is the 4% lidocaine cream over the counter?
You in the US? I forget. It is OTC, least expensive is Aspercreme. Also in first aid section there is a burn gei with 4% lidocaine. Forget the name right now.
Elma is prescription but worked better for me.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Quote from: TonyaW on March 29, 2019, 09:10:40 AM
You in the US? I forget. It is OTC, least expensive is Aspercreme. Also in first aid section there is a burn gei with 4% lidocaine. Forget the name right now.
Elma is prescription but worked better for me.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
The Aspercreme (with Lidocaine! there are multiple versions) and Motrin is a good first step, since it is cheap and all OTC. If that is not enough, your doctor may well prescribe the topical analgesic from a phone call or email. Many people talk about BLT (Benzocaine, Lidocaine, T<something>caine) being the best option, but that requires a compounding pharmacy and likely more convincing...
Kate
Edit: Oh. And with the popularity of tattoos these days, you can always use that as an explanation for why you want the product. As well, if you search for tattoo topical analgesic, , you will find all the same products. Might help...
Thanks Katie and Tonya!
Like I said to Moni and Kim, I feel like the little sister getting advice from the older ones (even if I am really the oldest in years).
My next appointment is next Friday. I will now go properly armed!
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 29, 2019, 06:58:58 AM
Ok had my first electrolysis yesterday.
It really hurt but not as bad as I thought it would be. The real "pain" is understanding I have a long way to go...ouch!
Fortunately my beard is mostly grey so I am having laser on the dark hairs and have the electrolysis focused on the grey ones.
I salute all of you that have done this!
Electrolysis is proof of the power of transitioning. Who in their right mind would go through all this?
Honestly even with the pain I felt relief starting the process but I keep pushing back against this transition freight train as it slowly keeps rolling down the track. I am still not ready to stop fighting transitioning. I continue to stubbornly hope I can find a compromise much to the quiet smiles of those who know better.
Hugs,
Emma
I started electrolysis on 31 Jan 2017. Initially two hours a week, but I stepped up to three hours a week in Aug 2018. During my first two sessions I had tears running down my face the whole time. I mentioned to my electrologist that this was definitely something you don't do on a whim. I also had about 50/50 grey and dark hairs, and I went with both laser (for dark) and electrolysis (for grey). I have had 13 laser treatments, with #14 scheduled in April. I think the laser does help, but there are some exceptionally stubborn dark hairs around my mouth that are not getting the message. On occasion my electrologist hits those as well.
It does get better, and less painful. After a few months I began falling asleep during my electrolysis sessions. Taking ibuprofen about an hour ahead of time helps. The 'BLT' cream is benzocaine, lidocaine, and tetracaine. The place I go for laser treatments gave me a prescription for it. The cream does help, but don't ever expect this to be painless.
I wasn't quite sure where I would end up once I started, but personally I never liked the idea of a compromise. This is a very personal journey for each of us, and only you will know when you reach the point that makes you happy (said while smiling quietly).
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Thank you for your thoughts Jessica.
I really appreciate the the guidance totally accepting that my solution may vary. We start off being dropped into a very dark confusing tunnel. Each person who helps light the way, even for a little while, helps to take away the loneliness and helps me come to my solution.
18 months ago I could never envision that I would be where I am. Although I as still struggling, I am not as lost as I once was in my own hell. This website has a lot great people willing to help and guide.
You are one of them.
Thanks,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 28, 2019, 08:57:32 PM
Ok Kim and Moni:
I have decided I am not transgender....I am Tahitian.
I don't care what religion you are, Kim and I still love you.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 28, 2019, 08:57:32 PM
Now leave me alone! ;D ;
Yeah, that's probably not gonna happen! ;D
Welcome to the electrocution club, lil' sis!
Moni
Oh my, look at all that I missed. Including Moni agreeing with me ???!!!! The Armageddon has arrived ;D
Damn normal Mon thru Fri job getting in the way of my time on the forum. I need to re-examine my priorities.
Well..... it sounds like you have gotten educated on beard removal. Yep laser no bueno on the grey ones. Welcome to the electro club.
My regular doc prescribes me the lidocaine. It's worth it but not that much better than the OTC stuff IMO. All the other advice was also good.
It does get better. The first visit is a surprise - 'surprise !!! it hurts " :D
When you go in knowing what to expect it is easier.
Also talking when the tech is working in a spot that you can at least move your lips helps. My poor tech - I talk her ear off to take my mind off the pain.
If you are willing to submit yourself to electro then you are through the looking glass.
My standard electro disclosure for anybody even thinking of doing mass electro clearings. DON'T !!!
If you want the whole story PM me.
I just told my son...he told me he loved me and that he is OK with everything. We talked for a while and he gave a massive hug.
He is coming for dinner on Sunday.
This is good crying :)
Lovely...what a great outcome
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 29, 2019, 07:29:21 PM
I just told my son...he told me he loved me and that he is OK with everything. We talked for a while and he gave a massive hug.
He is coming for dinner on Sunday.
This is good crying :)
I am so happy reading this !!!!! I know you are 5 years older than me but I feel like one of my children just came and told me life changing good news.
NOW THIS IS A MILESTONE !!!! Way to go Emma !!!!
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 29, 2019, 07:29:21 PM
I just told my son...he told me he loved me and that he is OK with everything. We talked for a while and he gave a massive hug.
He is coming for dinner on Sunday.
This is good crying :)
Emma, fantastic news! Good things
do happen to good people! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I'm so happy for you that your son accepts you. It is such a relief to have that close family support. He will always be your son (will you always be his dad??? I heard an interesting podcast by Denise Bowker (here on the site somewhere) where she talks about her sons calling her dad in public (with her approval) but also using she/her pronouns in the same sentence.) I'm thinking by one year out, you will already be greatly changed...
Well speaking of children I need to jump off here to go see my daughter YAY. Before I go... everybody is different on this and it truly is a matter of personal preference. I know people all over the spectrum. Some go with 2 Moms some go with Mama (Kim) others go with just first name etc etc.
What I do is I tell them to call me Dad at home, on the phone, in the car etc - in private. I have asked that when in public to call me Kim if in earshot of other people. Just the way I am comfortable. I am not their Mom but I will always be their Dad regardless of my gender orientation.
I tend to be pretty opinionated but on this one I think it is just a matter of preference.
OH Yeah.....
GO EMMA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you all for your overwhelmingly positive support. It really means a lot!
Really not sure what's next. I have really filled up my plate.
I'm pretty sure I can stay stealth for a year but I am also sure there will be some leakage...enough to sink the good ship S.S.STEALTH...?????
I'm sure there are some serious betting odds out there and a lot of those quiet knowing smiles....
Massive hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 29, 2019, 07:29:21 PM
I just told my son...he told me he loved me and that he is OK with everything. We talked for a while and he gave a massive hug.
He is coming for dinner on Sunday.
This is good crying :)
That is awesome news Emma!
I have told my daughters to just call me 'Jessica'. My wife is their mom. Although I will always be their dad, I don't want them calling me that in public. Using my name just seems so much simpler, and they are less likely to say something in public that may draw unwanted attention.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 30, 2019, 01:49:51 PM
Thank you all for your overwhelmingly positive support. It really means a lot!
Really not sure what's next. I have really filled up my plate.
I'm pretty sure I can stay stealth for a year but I am also sure there will be some leakage...enough to sink the good ship S.S.STEALTH...?????
I'm sure there are some serious betting odds out there and a lot of those quiet knowing smiles....
Massive hugs,
Emma
;D ;D ;D So what is the pool up to now? I have January 10th. ;D ;D Everybody, anti up! lol
My sons call me Moni. It is way simpler to have only one name I think. It is pronounced very similar to Mommy but I am not their Mom. Close enough for me though! Instead of Father's Day we have Moni Day. Works well!
Hugs
Back home for a couple hours then off to my twice a month trans-group. Fun.
So Jan 10th. Hmmm. I heard the Vegas odds line has moved a bit. I should play the 'Price is Right' strategy and take Jan 9th. My ante is a pair of lightly used fake boobs :D
Moni and I being knuckleheads aside..... Emma your path will appear to you when it is time.
Quote from: KimOct on March 30, 2019, 02:55:49 PM
Emma your path will appear to you when it is time.
Above Quote from Obe Won KonKimmy!
Damn you taking the 9th. Think Emma is sick of us yet?
Yeah probably :D There's always facebook if we scare her off. ;D
On an unrelated note, what is up with this estrogen stuff? So I get home tonight and start watching my DVR of the live action version of "Beauty and the Beast" I saw it at the theater shortly after my name change. I love it.
It surprises me some of the stuff I like now. Flowers, girly movies what the heck? I didn't like that stuff before and I am not trying to adopt it. I actually like it. I still like 'guy' stuff - sports etc but every time I like something I didn't like before I wonder if it's the hormones.
The hormones are strong with you young Skywalker. :D
You both are like a really bad "Yoda and Costello" comedy team.....and Mom said you both should leave me alone.... ;D
This is my first really emotionally quiet weekend in a while. Not sure if that is good or bad but I am taking it.
I have always loved romantic movies. I always thought I was sappy. Now I have an idea why.... ;D
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 31, 2019, 09:18:06 AM
You both are like a really bad "Yoda and Costello" comedy team.....and Mom said you both should leave me alone.... ;D
This is my first really emotionally quiet weekend in a while. Not sure if that is good or bad but I am taking it.
I have always loved romantic movies. I always thought I was sappy. Now I have an idea why.... ;D
Look Kim, the reviews are in, she LOVES us. "Mom wants us to stop"... Emma, you scamp! lol
Ignoring Moni and Kim for the time being... its about time I had something humorous to share.
I have to confess I can't stop playing with my chest. I love the way it moves. I keep pushing my breasts around and I know I have a stupid grin on my face. I know my breasts aren't big but they are there now and they there weren't two months ago.
It's just really cool.
It means a lot to me.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 31, 2019, 05:26:08 PM
Ignoring Moni and Kim for the time being... its about time I had something humorous to share.
I have to confess I can't stop playing with my chest. I love the way it moves. I keep pushing my breasts around and I know I have a stupid grin on my face. I know my breasts aren't big but they are there now and they there weren't two months ago.
It's just really cool.
It means a lot to me.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma,
I think you had a bit of trepidation and worry about breasts giving you away. Now you have some. Aren't they just great ! Having your own is just the best thing in the world !
I bet you cant wait for more growth.
P.S. Tell me to shut up if I'm talking out of turn.
Yours truly, Kirsten.
@Emma1017 Dear Emma:What you described is something that I think that many MTF transitioners may experience.
In my own transition, early on in my HRT when my breasts started to get sensitive and started to grow I could not keep my hands off of them.
Now after 4+ years of HRT and living full time for 2 1/2 years, and with C cup female breasts for the last couple years, the allure has basically worn off for the most part.
It is just a normal thing now for me to put on my bra, take off my bra, feel the jiggling when running or going up and down stairs, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to have breasts and I do like how they feel on my body.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this subject.
HUGS,
DanielleQuote from: Emma1017 on March 31, 2019, 05:26:08 PM
Ignoring Moni and Kim for the time being... its about time I had something humorous to share.
I have to confess I can't stop playing with my chest. I love the way it moves. I keep pushing my breasts around and I know I have a stupid grin on my face. I know my breasts aren't big but they are there now and they there weren't two months ago.
It's just really cool.
It means a lot to me.
Hugs,
Emma
Gosh Kim. You are never out of line and yes it is the greatest and yes I want bigger ones. I am literally gushing as I write this. OMG I am a 14 year old girl!!!!!
Danielle you are also truly like a big sister. I can't wait to wear a bra and I can't wait to hate wearing a bra. It is truly so exciting!!!
I am so not acting like a responsible 63 year old..... ;D
Big hugs,
Emma
Acting one's age is overrated anyway.
Emma - A calm weekend is a great thing. Sharing your emotions here is helpful but my gosh you need a break once in awhile. Glad you are enjoying your boobies. ;D It is affirming.
Speaking of wanting bigger boobies I am not sure if I mentioned the 'boob sucker' in this thread or just in Moni's thread but anyway - I think it is actually going to meet my modest expectations. There has been a small change but enough to notice.
Kirsten you are never out of line and you are right having breasts is the best. Hugs, Emma
Quote from: KimOct on March 31, 2019, 09:43:27 PM
Emma - A calm weekend is a great thing. Sharing your emotions here is helpful but my gosh you need a break once in awhile. Glad you are enjoying your boobies. ;D It is affirming.
Speaking of wanting bigger boobies I am not sure if I mentioned the 'boob sucker' in this thread or just in Moni's thread but anyway - I think it is actually going to meet my modest expectations. There has been a small change but enough to notice.
Even if it does nothing for the size, it FEELS really nice...
;D
Kate
Colleen you are absolutely right!!!
Katie and Kim I'll put it on my Christmas list. ;D ;D ;D
I know I am setting myself for a ton of knowing smiles but I am still not absolutely convinced that I am totally going to transition (GCS & FFS). It's a lot and a year+ off. I feel like there's many things that will happen between now and then.
Maybe its my cynical nature, maybe it's fear. It could just be just doubt...or all of the above but this year+ feels like a long time, even after waiting 63 years.
sigh
Emma, I mean this with no disrespect to what you are going through. I spent 57 years thinking it was impossible for me too. Only you know you. I didn't know what I was capable of until I hit that special (horrible) tipping point. Then all the things I thought impossible somehow turned out to be possible.
Moni
OK let's get down to brass tacks here. Emma - There is a wide variety of ways to live as your authentic self.
Here are just a few of the ways people in the Transgender spectrum live.
1. Entirely closeted - think about it - never do anything.
2. Closeted crossdressers - that is its own discussion. Some it is just a sexual turn-on and others want to believe that.
3. Non-binary people - both feel and present as they wish also related to gender fluid.
4. Non-op trans-people. Live as one gender but do nothing medically.
5. Partial op (like me ) an orchie and HRT only.
6. Surgically transition. FFS BA GCS all or some of the above.
This is a partial list that many would argue about (so please don't) because it does not come anywhere close to the many ways people live this life.
The point of this whole thing is BE YOU. Someone I know very well that is fully transitioned and looks great kept her penis by choice. She likes how it feels and so does her girlfriend. She is legally female, her daughters and ex call her Mom and she just happens to have a penis - by choice.
I want to have vaginoplasty FFS and BA but they may not be in the cards for me. Health and money issues. I haven't given up for sure - I was looking at insurance plans a few minutes ago figuring out what is covered.
But if I end up with just an orchie and HRT am I less of a woman? My intellect says no - my emotions say- eh sort of.
My Point is................ You can be any kind of transwoman you want to be. What you need to do is live as YOU !!
Don't use this as a rationalization to go half way. Use it as a way to figure out who you are and decide what to do about it.
OK I gotta go before Moni tells Mom on me for pitching a fit. :D
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 01, 2019, 05:03:24 PM
I know I am setting myself for a ton of knowing smiles but I am still not absolutely convinced that I am totally going to transition (GCS & FFS). It's a lot and a year+ off. I feel like there's many things that will happen between now and then.
Maybe its my cynical nature, maybe it's fear. It could just be just doubt...or all of the above but this year+ feels like a long time, even after waiting 63 years.
sigh
The best thing about all of this is that you don't have to do anything or you can "do the lot" and the only people that are going to be impacted are you and your wife(to a lesser extent) Being a woman is what happens between your ears and having GCS is a huge life changing event (For you) no one else is really impacted, I know you will argue your wife will be and yes I would agree but the impact to you is the first thing you need to consider.
At the end of the day it is about what you and your wife and no one else want.
Why do I bother fighting?
I know that I will transition. It is just a matter of when. I said on Kristen's thread regarding the "point of no return" that:
"This process is a constant battle between our hearts and minds. As much as I hate to admit it I know that I will also hit my personal point of no return. I am trying to delay it but I know it is coming.
You and I know that we can't stop the joy we feel as we see the changes that we have waited a lifetime to experience."
I accept that I am transgender but I keep fighting transitioning. My mind says "NO" and my heart clearly says "YES".
I know with each passing day "NO" is slowly fading away.
This rough, past year has proven that to me. This next one should be a dozy.
Hugs,
Emma
I just read the right word on someone else's thread that describes what is happening to me, I am evolving whether I like it or not.
Transitioning for me has not been THE ONE BIG DECISION. It has been a series of sometimes small and subtle changes that have, over time, connected into a larger change. Those changes, all voluntarily initiated by me, have slowly eroded my emotional barriers.
It is a strange and fascinating process if you take the emotion out.
And so I continue to evolve. :)
Hugs,
Emma
I think we all go through this process in different ways for different reasons. I know people that HAD to do it to save their lives. Probably some of you reading can relate. For others it is a longing, for some a preference.
Additionally we all have different challenges based on where we are in our lives. Spouse or not, career concerns, money concerns, health concerns, and of course the great unknown and the fear.
The one thing that shouldn't stop anyone is the fear.
This is a tough road, tougher for some of us than others but it can lead to a joyful place or at least some peace.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 02, 2019, 06:35:31 AM
Why do I bother fighting?
I know that I will transition. It is just a matter of when. I said on Kristen's thread regarding the "point of no return" that:
"This process is a constant battle between our hearts and minds. As much as I hate to admit it I know that I will also hit my personal point of no return. I am trying to delay it but I know it is coming.
You and I know that we can't stop the joy we feel as we see the changes that we have waited a lifetime to experience."
I accept that I am transgender but I keep fighting transitioning. My mind says "NO" and my heart clearly says "YES".
I know with each passing day "NO" is slowly fading away.
This rough, past year has proven that to me. This next one should be a dozy.
Hugs,
Emma
In a nutshell Emma! Couldn't have put it better myself! I keep telling myself that HRT is allowing me to be as physically and mentally female as possible- I'm not missing the boat, but, .... the woman in me is kicking my ass in !
Yours torturously, Kirsten.
Kirsten, first my apology for misspelling your name. I am really sorry.
You were absolutely right when you asked about the "point of no return". For me it is surgery. Everything else is physically reversible.
What is irreversible are the mental changes. I now know who I am and I will not ever wall it up again!
The tragedy for us is the shock, pain and suffering we inflict on those we love around us. I get angry when I realize that I have done nothing wrong but yet being transgender means I am a social outcast and those associated with me, that love me, are forced to endure the pity, shame and thoughtless comments of others.
They are the innocents.
My anger and my need to physically express who I am, may (or probably will) force me to physically change. I know I will need the massive strength that I have witnessed on this site by all those who have already soared past the point of no return.
My only hope is that my strength and my ultimate conviction will carry those that I love forward with me. I need to be stronger for them.
I hope I am and I hope that they will continue to need me in their lives.
Hugs,
Emma
My sadness is different.
Before I took spiro and HRT my sadness was very angry. Never against any person, ever, but against inanimate objects like walls. My knuckles have marked the few I never repaired. My anger was intense. When I was younger I was involved in bar fights. I never flinched, ever, if challenged.
Without drama, when I turned 21 and was in a relationship, I made the overt decision that unless I was willing to kill someone, I was not going to fight any more. I had to be willing to go to jail. My fighting stopped.
When I was a kid I lived in a very aggressive world and I left it successfully.
I grew up but that anger was always there but controlled.
Now I find that anger has been replaced with a strange sadness. Right now I am tearing up. I have no particular reason other than my life. I am not happy where I am. Strangely I am not punching walls, I am crying.
I am really very OK with it. I can't be alone with this change.
Is this happening to you? Have we all been victimized by our testosterone levels battling with our gender wiring?
I'd rather cry
now I know why women hug...God I need one now.....
Sorry
Emma, although I never got into bar fights or hit anyone out of anger, I had to repair quite a few walls myself. Sometimes if a wall wasn't handy a file cabinet or some other inanimate object would suffice. The anger I carried slowly grew for decades, eventually it became so powerful I became frightened I would hurt someone. I considered taking my own life to end the pain, and the lives of people I loved so they wouldn't have to live with the pain of my suicide. I think we can agree that tears are preferable to anger.
My tears lasted for several months, and sometimes feeling the pain and sorrow of others like us can cause those tears to return. I cry for all those years I lost in anger and rage. I cry for those who were hurt by my actions. I cry for the years I spent hiding who I was. There are too many reasons to list...
Have a few hugs Emma --- (((HUG))) (((HUG))) (((HUG)))
We can't change our past, but we can live the rest of our lives as the person we were meant to be. Continue on your journey, you will find joy.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 03, 2019, 07:13:58 AM
The tragedy for us is the shock, pain and suffering we inflict on those we love around us. I get angry when I realize that I have done nothing wrong but yet being transgender means I am a social outcast and those associated with me, that love me, are forced to endure the pity, shame and thoughtless comments of others.
Slow down a bit Emma. Sure some folks do see this kind of thing, but it is by no means a guarantee that it will be that way for you. Much has to do with where you live. I have gotten tremendous support from multiple areas of my life. No one has been nasty to me, at least to my face. I wouldn't assume your scenario above for yourself. I have had multiple people become more open, more tolerant because of what they have experienced with my change. The world in my little corner of the world has been improved by transitioning.
George Addair quote "Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear."
Saw this today and it is so true.
Hugs,
Moni
Jessica I am so glad you found peace. You and your loved ones deserve it!
I overcame my anger by sheer will. This explosion of emotion occurred with my panic attacks. I finally sought help when I started to think suicide was a way to spare my family...in hind sight how stupid. Thankfully I realized I needed and got help.
I agree, anger is destructive to ourselves and potentially to those around us. I am glad the both of us found better paths. I like crying better!
and thank you for the hugs :)
Moni I totally get your point but for each of us who have not reached the point of no return, the process is so raw and fearful that you only believe the worst.
Moni you and Jessica have soared past the point of no return....the edge of the "cliff" still scares me.
Thank you both for holding my hand...at least I know I am not a lemming ;D
Hugs,
Emma
The tragedy for us is the shock, pain and suffering we inflict on those we love around us. I get angry when I realize that I have done nothing wrong but yet being transgender means I am a social outcast and those associated with me, that love me, are forced to endure the pity, shame and thoughtless comments of others.
I want to piggyback on what Moni said. Over the last few months I have been preaching on this thread to both Emma and the others reading about internalized transphobia. I think the fault lies with me that my point is misunderstood.
I strongly believe Emma that the reason you are feeling the way you describe above is two-fold.
1. The fear of the unknown. It manifests itself in many ways in life not just this journey. Additionally you are not totally in control of this process. Your steps - HRT, surgery etc sure you control that but you can't control the thoughts, words or actions of others therefore there is a great uncertainty of how this will play out and you can't control that part hence - you ruminate about it. How do I know? Because I did it. Most people do.
2. The internalized transphobia. I argue most of us have it to a greater or lesser degree. Internalized transphobia is NOT the hatred of transpeople. What it is, is the internalized feelings of what society has taught us about gender nonconforming people ie: transgender people.
Why do we anticipate many of the things you mention above such as being a social outcast, pity, shame etc? Because we have been conditioned by society and the world around us that is what is thought of people like us.
All of the comedies you have seen (MASH Klinger in a dress) on and on and on. Jokes in conversation. People referred to as crazy. Less than 30 years ago this was still a disorder in psychiatric reference books and text books.
We have been conditioned to think there is something wrong with us and we should be ashamed. That is why I keep telling you that you have internalized transphobia. Not because you lack courage or are a bigot or any other such stupid thing. You have absorbed the message that society has been sending you your entire life.
The challenge is to break through and reject all of this Bull$#!+. Society is beginning to awaken and we have to keep paving the path for ourselves.
Accept that you have been brainwashed by internalized transphobia and then reject it.
OK I am done. Sending you love and huge HUGS !!!
Kim:
I absolutely agree with the two points you made. Unquestionably I am a victim of fear and conditioning. This entire year plus has been me coming to grips with them and probably why I keep torturing everyone, including you, as I slowly, painfully re-condition my emotions and thoughts while I build up the courage to go forward.
As I said in this thread at the beginning of last year: "It is not a choice. The female gender was hardwired in me before birth and then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial." That's a big wall to tear down.
The key thing I know is that I am making progress. I hope that reading this thread at least shows that.
It doesn't mean I am totally purged of my fears. Unfortunately, my time line of waiting a year plus from now for any surgery means that I will continue to doubt myself but I have purged the shame.
The "the pity, shame and thoughtless comments of others" I mentioned is regarding the ones who love me, i.e. my wife, who will have to deal with the "others". She is at a disadvantage. She doesn't have the 63 years of repressed thought combined with a year of 24/7 processing that I have. She has tremendous courage but this is a lot to ask. As I said earlier I need to be stronger and my commitment must be stronger for her.
The "others" are those who are light years away from ever understanding what we have gone through. They will be there and they will verbalize their ignorance. I agree with you that it is "Bull$#!+" but I strongly believe the more vocal and visible we are the more accepting society will become and that ignorance will increasingly begin to dissipate.
I also totally know that I will get love, support and understanding from many people when I transition. I learned this from you and everyone who have shared with me here. I hope I am shocked by the numbers of supporters. My heart will need them.
Thank you for your caring and support.
Hugs,
Emma
1. You are NOT torturing me. I would not be participating if I did not want to. You are worth it and so are those reading.
2. It is A LOT to ask of your wife. She may or may not be up to it. I do not know her. I do know that if you don't do it you will not be someone that anyone will want to live with so this is your only choice IMHO.
Time to get ready for work. It sure takes a lot longer in the morning than it used to. ;D :D
The good news Kim is that my wife is still with me. It gives me hope that she will believe that the value of our relationship is worth any difficulties transitioning will cause.
After my first electrolysis appointment I know I am ready for any pain stupid comments could possibly cause me! :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 04, 2019, 10:07:16 AM
The good news Kim is that my wife is still with me. It gives me hope that she will believe that the value of our relationship is worth any difficulties transitioning will cause.
After my first electrolysis appointment I know I am ready for any pain stupid comments could possibly cause me! :)
If only there was a 4% lidocaine for stupid comments...
;D
Kate
Amen Katie amen :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 04, 2019, 10:07:16 AM
After my first electrolysis appointment I know I am ready for any pain stupid comments could possibly cause me! :)
Trying to ignore stupid comments can be tough. We need auditory blinders -- like hearing aids which can filter out the stupid things. Unfortunately wearing them in public may cause you to think the world had fallen silent.
Try taking the advice of this slightly altered lyric from 'The Boxer' by Simon and Garfunkel:
"... a [person] hears what [they] want to hear and disregards the rest"
Kind of like looking into a mirror, you only see what you want to see. Once you learn to ignore the things you don't like, transitioning becomes a bit easier. Unfortunately is it easy to slip back into our old patterns where we only hear and see the things which can cause pain. Nothing about this is easy, which is why we are here -- to help each other find strength.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
ah Jessica you hit the point, we just want to love and be loved. We are asking nothing from anybody except simple acceptance.
It really is that simple.
We really want nothing from anybody. We didn't ask for this. We had no choice. Why are we social lepers?
I find I have a growing pride having known you, Kim, Moni, Danielle, Kirsten and everyone else. I want the courage you and everyone else has shown to help me to rise above my "point of no return".
I feel the joy of suddenly finding me. I was buried for so long in shame and denial. I am tired on apologizing to myself for what I perceived was my failure to be what everyone else thought I should be. I finally have a chance to be me.
And I like me.
I shared with Kirsten recently the common joy of we felt just having breasts....why should we feel any guilt? Doesn't that tell us this is what we should be?
Because of you all I understand that I will never, ever feel shame ever again!
With thanks and love,
Emma
Quote from: KatieP on April 04, 2019, 03:57:26 PM
If only there was a 4% lidocaine for stupid comments...
;D
Kate
:D ;D :D
Its an honour to converse and share experience with you Emma.
Oh dear sweet Emma LOL I am pretty sure you will feel the shame again it takes awhile to beat it into submission.
BUT I get what you are saying. You are beginning to feel the strength (the force Moni ;D ) but you are feeling the empowerment of what you know is true and where you can see yourself going. That is GREAT !!
I was thinking about something related today as I walked through the concourse at the gigantic corporate campus I work at. I get a few looks here and there but... whatever. No big deal.
I was thinking about how much it used to bother me. 3 years ago it scared the crap out of me.
Here is my issue - one of my biggest flaws is that I always needed everyone to like me, accept me, love me. I spent most of my life living this... it is exhausting. Many people could care less what other people think. Most are somewhere in between.
If someone like me that needed EVERYONE'S approval can find the courage to do this I GUARANTEE everyone reading this can do so to. There is a reason I harp on this topic - because I was the one that was scared silly. If I can do it anybody can.
Emma - I am so glad you are knocking the crap out the 'Shame Monster' - you are getting there.
Oh my God Kirsten the honor is all mine!
Kim you are truly like a big sister! I know I have a long way to go but I never thought I would get this far. It wouldn't have happened without you and all the other big sisters.
Warms hugs all,
Emma
In the rest of life we are far from your 'big' sisters - I know a little bit of your story and I have the sense that you are very wise and knowledgeable but in this arena - yeah I guess we are.
Happy to do it. It is a pleasure to pay forward to you what others have done for us.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 04, 2019, 09:10:26 PM
Oh my God Kirsten the honor is all mine!
Kim you are truly like a big sister! I know I have a long way to go but I never thought I would get this far. It wouldn't have happened without you and all the other big sisters.
Warms hugs all,
Emma
We are both at a very similar stage in transition. When I see you I see me reflected back.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Quote from: KimOct on April 04, 2019, 09:31:05 PM
In the rest of life we are far from your 'big' sisters -
Maybe she was talking about our weight? OK. Not YOUR weight. She was calling me fat. OK. OK. I have 30 more pounds to lose. But I am working on it. Really. (I probably shouldn't mention the 8 Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies I just ate, should I?)
So, I am BIG, but it is Big-boned. Not just fat...
;D
Kate
LOL Yeah I passed big boned awhile ago :D. No girl scout cookies this year though. How did that happen?
On a serious note about weight I was just lying in bed and unable to sleep came back to my computer to check on a bank issue and jumped on for a second. Looking for a PM actually, but that's my little secret. ^-^
So while lying in bed I was feeling lousy about the weight I have put on. I think I am being self destructive. I am so disappointed in my lack of FFS I have been emotionally binge eating. IDIOT.
FFS costs $40,000 or more for what they want to do on me. Losing weight is free. My new mission. I have done everything else I can do this. Hmmm..... I wonder what's in the fridge for a late night snack? :D Kidding. I am going to do this.
Quote from: KimOct on April 04, 2019, 11:25:39 PM
LOL Yeah I passed big boned awhile ago :D. No girl scout cookies this year though. How did that happen?
On a serious note about weight I was just lying in bed and unable to sleep came back to my computer to check on a bank issue and jumped on for a second. Looking for a PM actually, but that's my little secret. ^-^
So while lying in bed I was feeling lousy about the weight I have put on. I think I am being self destructive. I am so disappointed in my lack of FFS I have been emotionally binge eating. IDIOT.
FFS costs $40,000 or more for what they want to do on me. Losing weight is free. My new mission. I have done everything else I can do this. Hmmm..... I wonder what's in the fridge for a late night snack? :D Kidding. I am going to do this.
I hope my comment, Kim, about the GS cookies lets you know that ALL of us have this same issue. (OK. Maybe Ashley is never hungry and always eats healthy. But she is a total statistical anomaly!!!)
And, over-weight or not, YOU are still a really pretty woman. Every time I see your avatar picture, I am envious of your feminine features. All you can do is all you can do. You are doing that.
And as for being self-destructive because you can't do FFS, well, I am not your therapist, but I think I dismiss that idea. Sure, it's not great you can't do the FFS right now. But FFS does not change WHO you are, or how you can be out in the world. The weight part is a different issue, I think. Sure, depression may add to our eating tendencies, but over eating and under exercising are pretty common in post 40 adults in the US. You, and many of us, qualify, sister!
Be strong. You really are pretty wonderful. Believe it!
Kate
Edited to remove the multiple Kates. Not sure how that happened... ;D
Thanks Kate for the support. I get a fair number of comments about my avatar. It really is legit - not touched up or altered in any way but I feel like it's a fraud. It is my best picture. I got the lighting and the angle right, had on false eyelashes etc.
The me you would see in real life is not so gorgeous. Again the pic is legit but it is by far my best one.
I talk about courage to come out etc and I feel very qualified to talk about that - but I still struggle with my own body dysphoria. On the other hand my therapist once told me most women struggle with their appearance so she welcomed me to the club :D
OK OK OK forget the "big sister"!!!!!!!
How about "sophisticated women of experience" or "People of advanced gender identity" or "Unbound gender associates"
or simply, close friends who are helping my through the most difficult time of my life. I like that best.
Kim I may be generally smart, nothing special, but my ignorance of the emotional power of this experience is overwhelming. You all have kept me from drowning. If I am able to doggy paddle, its because I have had some of the best instructors. :)
About weight loss, Kim if you can handle electrolysis (and everything else you have been through!!!), you got this and you know it!
Katie now I know I am female. I weigh myself every day, which I never ever did 2 years ago. I started dieting and increased exercising and I am still not close to my target weight. I am constantly looking at my stomach and my chest and just sighing :).
I know its crazy but I am enjoying my sudden narcissistic self interest. I never cared before.
Kirsten its great to compare our progress, including all the pain, frustrations and secret joys.
Hugs,
Emma
Hey Kim we are joining a very tough club with impossible standards. I was waiting for my voice appointment yesterday and sat there reading Vogue...yeah that was useful...
Therapists must love us because we go from a very unique emotionally weakening experience, gender dysphoria, to a whole new world of female body dysphoria. The analysts are all buying condos in Hawaii as we speak with the profits we generate.
Look at photos of the old male "you" and then look a the new female ones. Just measure the smiles!!! You are in a much better spot and you know it. Relax, we will never the perfect female of our dreams but its great to just finally be female.
You have the rest of your life to work on "perfection"...Just remember it sure beats golf ;).
Hugs,
Emma
"We are both at a very similar stage in transition. When I see you I see me reflected back."
Kirsten I am pretty confident that you look a lot better than me :) but I really appreciate sharing the common joy we are experiencing. I have a very limited audience in my day-to-day life with whom to share that joy.
Hugs,
Emma
If you think therapists love us, imagine the electrolysis folks. They must start thinking of a trip to the bank when we walk in the door.
I think we all have our issues to work on. For some it is weight, for some it is coming out or facing our truths! The past 3 years I have faced a lot of my demons. My current one is my voice. It's superficial to some, but important to me. The best thing I know to do is take positive steps, even if we fall sometimes. Positive steps get us somewhere. Negative steps mire us in fear and anxiety and lower self esteem. Hey, not trying to be preachy here. I have been lucky in many ways, and I recognize not having to deal with issues others have. Still, I have seen what works and what doesn't. One of the most insidious traps we fall into is stopping our progress because of FEAR OF FAILURE. This I faced and defeated the last few years, but with my voice it is especially bad. I can't seem to make that call to set up working on it. I pledge to face this, even if I get frustrated. Any other pledgers in this wonderful group of folks?
Moni
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 05, 2019, 07:50:53 AM
Katie now I know I am female. I weigh myself every day, which I never ever did 2 years ago. I started dieting and increased exercising and I am still not close to my target weight. I am constantly looking at my stomach and my chest and just sighing :).
I think we know we are in the club when we watch "The Devil wears Prada" and when the woman says the line, "I am just one stomach flue away from my goal weight" instead of laughing, we start wondering if we have any sick friends...
;D
Kate
Moni you are absolutely right. I just got back from my second electrolysis appointment. The person is great but she also confirmed that I have three years to go....OUCH!
I should have become an electrolysis gender therapist!
Moni if you did electrolysis then you can do voice! It's just regular practice like a musical instrument. Think of it as singing lessons. Alternatively you could always learn sign language....
In the last week I started electrolysis and voice because everyone here told me it takes the longest. It feels like forever!
or Katie where can we buy our own flu. Food poisoning is always another alternative.... :)
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 05, 2019, 12:09:25 PM
One of the most insidious traps we fall into is stopping our progress because of FEAR OF FAILURE. This I faced and defeated the last few years, but with my voice it is especially bad. I can't seem to make that call to set up working on it. I pledge to face this, even if I get frustrated. Any other pledgers in this wonderful group of folks?
Moni
Moni, If there is a common theme in the millions of posts on this forum, I would be fear of failure would be it.
And, if one reads a thread about one person for long enough, it seems a VERY common result is: People just decide to do it, no matter the possibility of failure. It seems we ALL worry about it, and in the end, we ALL decide possible failure just does not matter.
I believe the faster we get from Fear to Doesn't Matter, the faster we get to satisfaction with the result, whatever the result.
So, I hear you about your voice, Moni. And, I do think that you will have to get to Doesn't Matter before you will be satisfied.
As for HOW to get to Doesn't Matter, it might be that therapy would help, but for me, it was just jumping in and doing it. Eventually, when the world did not stop, I worried less and less until one day I realized
IT Doesn't Matter...
Kate
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 05, 2019, 01:11:34 PM
or Katie where can we buy our own flu. Food poisoning is always another alternative.... :)
I think, Emma, that you shop in far more "complete" stores than I do, as I have not seen this sort of thing for sale.
That said, I think Arby's can be comfortably relied upon to produce the food poisoning alternative...
;D
Kate
Katie I love your "DM" strategy.
Ever since I learned that I needed to transition, fear has been my constant companion. At least I lost shame along the way.
You and everyone else helped me to find a path through many fears. That doesn't mean for each of us that it's a one time experience but at least we know we can do it.
Regarding food poisoning, how about sushi at 711 as a source? I can source the flu for you by simply taking a NYC subway. Our homeless love to share ;)
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: KatieP on April 05, 2019, 01:13:36 PM
Moni, If there is a common theme in the millions of posts on this forum, I would be fear of failure would be it.
And, if one reads a thread about one person for long enough, it seems a VERY common result is: People just decide to do it, no matter the possibility of failure. It seems we ALL worry about it, and in the end, we ALL decide possible failure just does not matter.
I believe the faster we get from Fear to Doesn't Matter, the faster we get to satisfaction with the result, whatever the result.
So, I hear you about your voice, Moni. And, I do think that you will have to get to Doesn't Matter before you will be satisfied.
As for HOW to get to Doesn't Matter, it might be that therapy would help, but for me, it was just jumping in and doing it. Eventually, when the world did not stop, I worried less and less until one day I realized IT Doesn't Matter...
Kate
I think you are right about that fear being such a commonality, Katie. I did say 'F' it and transitioned with the best voice I could manage. I also had facial surgery with the wrong doctor because I couldn't wait to transition one day longer. I guess I learned to say 'F' it, but 'It Doesn't Matter' eludes me. I have another 5 1/2 hours of electrolysis in the next few weeks and then I'm done. I used the excuse of the millions I was shelling out for electrolysis as reason not to spend more money on voice. That excuse will be gone. At least with electrolysis, any failure is not my fault unlike the voice lessons. I need to get someone to help me in other than musical terms because musically I'm clueless and tone deaf I think. To me it is the hardest thing about transitioning.
Such wonderful replies I missed today. You all are pretty smart !! I could have copied 3 or 4 quotes in the last page of this thread and said YES !!
Emma - You are definitely getting there. You still have miles to go but I can feel the difference. Your confidence is growing - your insight into yourself and your overall attitude. You came from a tough place emotionally to get here.
There will be more hurdles in your path - sadly I can pretty much guarantee it as you probably realize as well. But you have built the foundation you need to conquer this journey and ultimately get to a better place.
MONI !! - good to see you. Driving home today Moni Moni - by Billy Idol came on the radio and I thought -yeah what the hell where has she been this week?
I went to a speech therapist for 4 months. I made a joke at work today saying that I should sue her for malpractice. :D My voice sucks but I am close to the 'doesn't matter' point.
Quote from: KimOct on April 05, 2019, 08:24:27 PM
MONI !! - good to see you. Driving home today Moni Moni - by Billy Idol came on the radio and I thought -yeah what the hell where has she been this week?
Never heard it. That is Mon-knee, not Moanie, right. Everyone always wants to say my name is Moanie. Yuk. Moni like Bonnie. And I've been here, where you been? Don't give a lame excuse like work either young lady! I'm waiting!
Ok Ok in my head I was thinking moanie not like Bonnie.
Whatever ;D just kidding - thanks for the correction.
Here's the song anyway.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAmgTNATJkk
Yep my sexually orientation is definitely evolving. He looks kind of hot to me. LOL. Never would have thought that before. Is it this estrogen stuff? I dunno :o
Quote from: KimOct on April 05, 2019, 09:41:32 PM
Yep my sexually orientation is definitely evolving. He looks kind of hot to me. LOL. Never would have thought that before. Is it this estrogen stuff? I dunno :o
I think this is one of the great benefits of being trans, which ever orientation you end up. I like women. Total lesbian. But since transition, I have flirted with guys, played my sexy voice with them, and definitely appreciated the male of this species... ;D THAT does not change my orientation...
One of the benefit of being us is being able to appreciate all sides of the spectrum...
Kate
Quote from: KimOct on April 05, 2019, 09:41:32 PM
Yep my sexually orientation is definitely evolving. He looks kind of hot to me. LOL. Never would have thought that before. Is it this estrogen stuff? I dunno :o
If it is, I must be taking the wrong stuff, cause it is not doing anything of that to me! ???
This is hysterical. I woke up this morning and thought I'd check in and I found myself in the Girls Room with a bunch of my classmates!
This is great!
Ok, the only change I noticed since I started HRT is that I have developed a huge girl-crush on Jessica Chastain. It definitely does not feel like a guy perspective. I definitely feel female when I watch her....really odd.
I keep testing out the guy stuff but no reaction at all. I agree with you Kate, all lesbian.
It's funny Kim, speaking of music videos, I have always wanted to be the women in the background of Robert Palmer's songs ADDICTED TO LOVE and SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE....and I never connected that I was trans. It still amazes me how deep I buried this all.
We live in a strange and fascinating world. I love sharing it here.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 06, 2019, 08:38:07 AM
This is hysterical. I woke up this morning and thought I'd check in and I found myself in the Girls Room with a bunch of my classmates!
This is great!
Ok, the only change I noticed since I started HRT is that I have developed a huge girl-crush on Jessica Chastain. It definitely does not feel like a guy perspective. I definitely feel female when I watch her....really odd.
I keep testing out the guy stuff but no reaction at all. I agree with you Kate, all lesbian.
It's funny Kim, speaking of music videos, I have always wanted to be the women in the background of Robert Palmer's songs ADDICTED TO LOVE and SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE....and I never connected that I was trans. It still amazes me how deep I buried this all.
We live in a strange and fascinating world. I love sharing it here.
Hugs,
Emma
Jessica Chastain in Miss Sloane. I spent the whole movie wanting to be with her- no be her- no be with her.
I know what you mean Emma- she is one hot RANGA !
Kirsten x.
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My comment about the estrogen thing was mostly joke but part genuine curiosity. My sexual orientation is still primarily women but I do find it interesting I find men more attractive than I used to .
The real test would be if I ever tried doing anything with a guy including just kissing. I absolutely never had the slightest interest in that before, I didn't suppress it I just didn't have it. Now the needle has moved. (No not that needle LOL )
If I ever do anything with a guy he has to understand it may end as soon as it starts. I kind of doubt it will ever happen they are not exactly banging down my door. :D
Back to back replies oh my. I need to get a life ;D Just kidding - leisurely Saturday morning intermingling chores, watching TV and posting. So any-hoo... I'm watching a DVR of the Colbert show and John Lithgow is the guest. I could go for him. Charming, intelligent, strong beliefs yet gentle.
Oh my gosh I do kind of like guys :D My last 3 celebrity attractions are, Lithgow, John Krasinski and Billy Idol. They're all pretty much the same right? :laugh:
Although if I had the choice I would take Valerie Bertinelli over them any day.
As Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead once said 'what a long strange trip its been'.
The good news is it appears HRT alone doesn't cause orientation change.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 06, 2019, 08:38:07 AM
It's funny Kim, speaking of music videos, I have always wanted to be the women in the background of Robert Palmer's songs ADDICTED TO LOVE and SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE....and I never connected that I was trans. It still amazes me how deep I buried this all.
Hugs,
Emma
So I'm not the only one!
Maybe we've discovered a new "am I really trans test".
My 2 cents on the recent discussion, I'm also one that has seen no change in orientation and attraction from HRT.
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I always liked those 'gender tests' I didn't put much stock in them for multiple reasons but I always felt like
'Yeah, that's right !! I am a girl !! :laugh:
Sadly a trans woman was attacked this week and it was caught on camera (https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/04/world/europe/transgender-woman-attacked-paris.html)
But she had the strength to stand up on the front page of a Parisian newspaper with the headline: "I AM TRANS, SO WHAT!"
The world needs to hear that more and more!
Thanks for posting Emma - so sad this happens and that some people are so sick they need to lash out.
I have never had any issue and I am very public and most of the other transpeople I know have never had an issue either. We do need to be aware of our surroundings and smart just like any woman and maybe a little more so.
I bought something called a 'kitty defender' online. $9.00. It is a key-ring that is cute but it will seriously mess somebody up. I keep my fingers in the holes when walking to my car just in case.
(https://i.imgur.com/gNdJmiE.jpg)
I would love to have some Ass have to tell the story about how they got beat up by a transsexual. ;D
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 06, 2019, 09:34:47 AM
Jessica Chastain in Miss Sloane. I spent the whole movie wanting to be with her- no be her- no be with her.
I know what you mean Emma- she is one hot RANGA !
Kirsten x.
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Jessica Chastain in Molly Brown. Oh boy oh boy oh boy...
;D
I think the whole - I want to be with her ... I want to be her.... no I want to be with her... thing is very common with us transwomen lesbians. It definitely was the case with me.
I think it is part of the wiring. We get used to the women being the object of our attraction but the wiring in our brain is still telling us we are female.
I am not a doctor, I don't even play one on TV but I do on the internet. :D
Quote from: KimOct on April 06, 2019, 08:04:58 PM
Thanks for posting Emma - so sad this happens and that some people are so sick they need to lash out.
I have never had any issue and I am very public and most of the other transpeople I know have never had an issue either. We do need to be aware of our surroundings and smart just like any woman and maybe a little more so.
I bought something called a 'kitty defender' online. $9.00. It is a key-ring that is cute but it will seriously mess somebody up. I keep my fingers in the holes when walking to my car just in case.
(https://i.imgur.com/gNdJmiE.jpg)
I would love to have some Ass have to tell the story about how they got beat up by a transsexual. ;D
I would have thought the Cub Food card would be weapon enough! Did you get that key ring thing on Amazon? I might want to get one, too!
Quote from: KimOct on April 06, 2019, 11:39:44 PM
I am not a doctor, I don't even play one on TV but I do on the internet. :D
Paging Dr. Moe, Dr. Larry, Dr. Kim? Oh, I like that, Dr. Kim! Dr. Kim gonna mess you haters up.
Yep Linde - I got it on Amazon - I love it. Even though it is made of hard plastic it is very rigid. It would do some damage. Security check points will not let it through, they know it's a weapon. Twice I had to take it back to my car.
Moni - "why I oughta ...." Only a stooges fan is on board with that one.
From my old days: just tuck each key between each of your knuckles when you make a fist, always gets through security.
I'm afraid it wasn't just "men" attacking that trans women, there were women also harassing her in the video, and they were all Algerians. I.e. muslims. I've seen the video; a woman grabs her by the arm and mocks her, trying to detain her from escaping before several men start grabbing/punching/surrounding the victim at once.
Just an example of the culture clash that trans people will suffer due to the demographic changes brought on by the open-door migration policies of the EU. France, Germany and Sweden have imported so many people they can no longer effectively police or integrate them, especially at such gatherings. I refuse to sugar coat the risk here - there IS one in certain European cities, particularly if you travel near muslim areas (no go zones). They do exist, despite progressives insisting for the last five years that they do not, and they more than likely are dangerous for non-passing trans people to enter. Many are already aggressive places to be for non-Muslim or non-migrant cis Europeans; being visibly trans or gay is not wise in these places.
I wouldn't count upon the various European police forces to help a trans person if attacked, either. They are largely under orders to move along anybody who might "upset" (set off) the migrants, rather than anybody who is a victim of them, and aggressive immigrants tend to band together in groups and gangs when they do this in Europe currently. Be warned. People stepped in to help this time, but they do not always do so.
We're going to see an "interesting" clash of interests between the sensibilities of muslim immigrant communities on what they see as "their" ground and the LGBT community. Already in the UK muslim areas are demanding that LGBT education be withdrawn from schools their kids attend and naturally the UK schools have capitulated to this. Some progressives might attempt to fight this but I expect it's a fool's errand given the current trend of fearing to offend muslims, and typically progressives in the west are silent when it comes to issues of islam's mistreatment of the LGBT.
Certain enclaves of Europe are not going to be very friendly to trans people in the near future. I disagree with the victim Julia's appraisal that her attackers were just "ignorant people who do not understand her situation". There's a definitely cultural/religious clash in progress, this certainly is not the first such incident and it won't be the last in which a large crowd in broad daylight tries to assault someone of the LGBT community. That typically isn't the behavior of native Europeans, even the transphobic ones. But it is typical behavior toward LGBT members by people from islamic countries, or certain countries in the African continent. The time for pussy-footing around the issue is over, trans people should be aware for their own safety of the risks to them now present in Europe.
Kylo I share your anger, fear and frustration. I travel to Europe regularly and see the ugly sides of Europe between religious zealots and right wing fanatics. Fortunately I am still stealth and present as male. I realize that my male "protection" will disappear once (if) I transition.
I always hated the old horror movies when the women fell in fear screaming or ran away in high heels that ultimately tripped them up.
I like the fighters who don't take it passively.
My favorite women in the world right now are the Kurdistan women. When attacked by ISIS forces, they picked up AK47s and fought back as an army.
That is why Jessica Chastain is my favorite actress for the roles she plays.
The men that attacked that woman in Paris are cowards who had to do it as a pack.
I agree that passivity is a dangerous path to follow. Bullies don't back down unless they are confronted. You have to be willing take the chance and fight back. It's not any easy call and its extremely dangerous to do it alone. We need social outrage and punishment to show that this is not acceptable.
Quote from: KimOct on April 07, 2019, 09:58:18 AM
Yep Linde - I got it on Amazon - I love it. Even though it is made of hard plastic it is very rigid. It would do some damage. Security check points will not let it through, they know it's a weapon. Twice I had to take it back to my car.
Moni - "why I oughta ...." Only a stooges fan is on board with that one.
It would not show up in a scanner, would it? If one buries it very deep in the never ending depth of a woman's purse?
Quote from: Kylo on April 07, 2019, 12:43:37 PM
Certain enclaves of Europe are not going to be very friendly to trans people in the near future. I disagree with the victim Julia's appraisal that her attackers were just "ignorant people who do not understand her situation". There's a definitely cultural/religious clash in progress, this certainly is not the first such incident and it won't be the last in which a large crowd in broad daylight tries to assault someone of the LGBT community. That typically isn't the behavior of native Europeans, even the transphobic ones. But it is typical behavior toward LGBT members by people from islamic countries, or certain countries in the African continent. The time for pussy-footing around the issue is over, trans people should be aware for their own safety of the risks to them now present in Europe.
I don't know where you get your information from, but I would not be afraid to walk around in any city in Germany today, in which I would have felt safer lets say 20 or 30 years ago. There were always areas in Germany, in which I would not walk alone, and that was when I was still a man! But no matter where in Germany, or for me also the Netherlands, I still feel way safer than in certain areas in the US!
I am sure that other Germans/Europeans here on this forum, will agree with me! To add to this, here we have to be afraid of our own government and some of the law enforcement agencies! For them, we intersex people are just a bunch of weirdos that need to be eliminated!
Sadly they are everywhere and we need to keep fighting.
Quote from: Dietlind on April 07, 2019, 09:07:40 PM
It would not show up in a scanner, would it? If one buries it very deep in the never ending depth of a woman's purse?
Sometimes, it does, even when you are careful. My daughter has carried her attack kitty with here for at least 4 years, with lots of flying in that time. Only once, in FLG, did they find it and not let her take it through. Hers was made on a 3-D Printer, and cost about 50 cents, so losing one every few years to TSA is not a huge deal. Buy them in the 10-pack...
;D
Kate
OK I saw this today and had to laugh.
I was reading the NY Times and they had a big story on the national backlash against the LGBT community there (Poland's Populists Pick a New Top Enemy: Gay People https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/07/world/europe/poland-gay-rights.html).
It was followed a few pages later by "Pulaski, Polish Hero of the American Revolutionary War, Was Most Likely Intersex, Researchers Say" https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/07/science/casimir-pulaski-intersex.html
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 08, 2019, 08:33:35 AM
OK I saw this today and had to laugh.
I was reading the NY Times and they had a big story on the national backlash against the LGBT community there (Poland's Populists Pick a New Top Enemy: Gay People https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/07/world/europe/poland-gay-rights.html).
It was followed a few pages later by "Pulaski, Polish Hero of the American Revolutionary War, Was Most Likely Intersex, Researchers Say" https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/07/science/casimir-pulaski-intersex.html
And in today's America under Trump, he would have been thrown out of military service!
Exactly. You gotta love the irony.
I met with my analyst today and I said that although I feel female I don't feel like a woman.
She asked me why?
I thought about it a few moments and answered: "Feeling female was on the inside while being a woman was on the outside. I am still a 63 male on the outside. I just don't see a woman."
I just posted this on Kirsten's thread on "Point of No Return". I thought it fit here:
"Kirsten I have been thinking about my response for a while now because you and I seem to be paralleling a lot in this experience. I feel your sadness and frustration.
I strongly believe that we have a right to be happy.
I don't know the complexity of your life beyond what you have shared. We each bring our own nasty twists to the experience it seems.
I know I want to stop and I can't. I want to go back to the way I was two years ago and I can't. I don't know where I will be in a year. At some point you and I will reach that point of no return. Everyone has said that and everything I have read says that. There doesn't seem to be a way to freeze this process.
I have rejected suicide. That to me is a stupid waste of life. I don't think I can stay male but I am trying. I know where my heart is but I have time to continue to doubt.
Unfortunately when that time comes, our spouses will need to make their own decision. It's miserable but we didn't choose this. My son's girlfriend broke up with him when his cancer came back and broke his heart. She decided she couldn't handle losing him.
I don't know what my wife will choose once confronted with my choice. I will at least know that I will have exhausted every option and tried ever alternative solution and looked for a better answer.
That is all I can do.
After that, she will have to decide.
Hugs,
Emma"
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 08, 2019, 01:21:37 PM
I met with my analyst today and I said that although I feel female I don't feel like a woman.
She asked me why?
I thought about it a few moments and answered: "Feeling female was on the inside while being a woman was on the outside. I am still a 63 male on the outside. I just don't see a woman."
Remember that it was not to long ago that I freely could switch between a guy and a woman? That has stopped like overnight. After I has some male fails a few weeks ago, I became more and more female, and did not feel like going as a guy anymore. I don't know why that was, it might have been estrogen erasing my male thinking or what. And now after my orchi, I don't even like the male idea anymore!
Your point of being a female inside and out will come at some point that is entirely out of your control. You will be as surprised as your environment is! It will come, and exactly at that time at which you do not expect it!
The man will be gone soon!
Hugs
Linde
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 08, 2019, 01:21:37 PM
I met with my analyst today and I said that although I feel female I don't feel like a woman.
She asked me why?
I thought about it a few moments and answered: "Feeling female was on the inside while being a woman was on the outside. I am still a 63 male on the outside. I just don't see a woman."
Emma I have been transitioned for awhile now and I still feel like that. My birth certificate, Drivers license, social security and on and on says I am female. I feel female emotionally but my body doesn't.
When I think about the possible additional surgeries, vagioplasty, breast enhancement, FFS which one will make me feel like a woman? Do I need to do all or just some. My testicles are gone, if my penis is gone will I feel like a woman?
You get the point. My therapist made a great point to me. Gender is a societal construct. You are who you feel that you are. A small bit of tissue or lack thereof does not define you. Regarding my face and breasts - are small breasted women less than large breasted ones. Are ugly women less than beautiful ones.
You are who you feel what you are. Do not let the societal construct of gender control who you know you are.
I intellectually believe all of the above but feeling it is more challenging. Just thought I would throw it out there. When she proposed it to me it made sense and still does.
Kim I think that each of us has a vision of ourselves, regardless of our gender, that we try to live up to but we just never seem to achieve that perfection. With maturity (and some times a lot of therapy) we come to some kind of peace with who we are.
Life threw us all a major curve ball. We are forced to experience all the pain of a second puberty plus a double dose of insecurity and doubt. Life also doubled down on us by adding the female need for beauty with the classic teenage problem of hating the refection in the mirror.
Before this gender dysphoria exploded in my life, the only vanity I felt was hating my receding hairline. Now I am totally screwed!
We are all going through an unstoppable process. Each of us will have our own unique solution. We all will try to get as close as we can to some sort of personal satisfaction and peace.
I have just signed a lifelong contract with my analyst. ;D...I really thought that I needed just one visit to square myself away.
Yeah, right..... :o :o :o ::)
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 08, 2019, 01:21:37 PM
I met with my analyst today and I said that although I feel female I don't feel like a woman.
She asked me why?
I thought about it a few moments and answered: "Feeling female was on the inside while being a woman was on the outside. I am still a 63 male on the outside. I just don't see a woman."
Emma I hope this feeling or lack of feeling doesn't throw you for a loop. It is a very common thought. I have felt this way. I guess even if someone transitions this feeling takes a while or perhaps may never come for some. I have started to feel like a woman more with each passing day. At first, I felt like I was a squatter on the woman's turf. Now, I have been regarded as a woman for long enough to feel like it fits. I always give the job analogy. Your first day on the job, you don't feel like a Senator for example. You technically are one if you got elected but until you start doing your every day Senator stuff, you don't feel like one. Same with being a woman. Some people just can see themselves as a woman without any physical changes. I was not lucky enough to be one of those. Bottom line, don't worry about this too much. Just be you. Hopefully you will be able to bring things in line what what your mind says they should be. Fingers crossed!
Hugs,
Moni
One visit will do it LOL LMAO ROFL HAHA MUHAHAHA I can't think of anymore laughing acronyms.
It's funny how we all think a therapist is to fix us whatever the challenge. We go to a therapist to learn how to fix ourselves. And we are fixing the crap that took a lifetime to break. But we all think it.
Lifetime contract. I know you were sort of kidding. Most people eventually go into maintenance mode and visit once in awhile - that is what I think I will be doing in 2020.
No wonder it is so hard to get an appointment ;D
Once again Moni shows off how smart she is. :D Seriously though she is right.
Quote from: KimOct on April 09, 2019, 07:29:50 PM
One visit will do it LOL LMAO ROFL HAHA MUHAHAHA I can't think of anymore laughing acronyms.
It's funny how we all think a therapist is to fix us whatever the challenge. We go to a therapist to learn how to fix ourselves. And we are fixing the crap that took a lifetime to break. But we all think it.
Lifetime contract. I know you were sort of kidding. Most people eventually go into maintenance mode and visit once in awhile - that is what I think I will be doing in 2020.
No wonder it is so hard to get an appointment ;D
Once again Moni shows off how smart she is. :D Seriously though she is right.
I just upgraded to one visit a month, and I support group meeting a month!
And I don't face nearly the problems that many ladies here have to deal with!
Quote from: Dietlind on April 07, 2019, 09:19:42 PM
I don't know where you get your information from, but I would not be afraid to walk around in any city in Germany today, in which I would have felt safer lets say 20 or 30 years ago. There were always areas in Germany, in which I would not walk alone, and that was when I was still a man! But no matter where in Germany, or for me also the Netherlands, I still feel way safer than in certain areas in the US!
I am sure that other Germans/Europeans here on this forum, will agree with me! To add to this, here we have to be afraid of our own government and some of the law enforcement agencies! For them, we intersex people are just a bunch of weirdos that need to be eliminated!
Yes I am talking about specific areas, particularly the no go zones and immigrant community enclaves. I did not say the whole of Germany is unsafe, I said:
1) the no go zones are unsafe
b) Europe will most likely become less safe over time with more mass immigration, as we have already seen since 2014
c) Denying this and claiming everywhere is safe for trans people is irresponsible.
Sure, I get that you might be proud of where you live etc. but to claim there is no risk when there is mounting evidence that the mass immigration in the last 4 years has brought a spike in crime and sex attacks in the countries most affected including Germany is also irresponsible. I had never heard reports of mass sex attacks upon women happening in modern-day Germany until it happened in Cologne 2015 on New Year, and it's now apparent fact that the German police suppressed information about it at the time. The same can be said of what's happening in Sweden. Where do I get my information there from? Local news which is not translated into English and from people living in those countries as well as the online public crime records since the "migrant crisis" in these places. And other evidence such as the aforementioned video; there are plenty of videos showing the hostility of certain groups towards passers by if you care to search.
Good for you that you feel safe. But I know a lot of people that don't and less so more recently. My female friends in Sweden no longer go out at night alone without male friends present, and have been attacked before. My German friends avoid the no go zones for a reason.
You should certainly be afraid of your own government or the EU if it is suggesting you shouldn't openly criticize Merkel's immigration policies or mass immigration in general. Which I have been hearing increasingly concerning things about from people in Germany that I know.
Denial of potential danger has already cost lives. There are people in Western countries so ignorant or willfully ignorant of any danger from certain groups that they ended up murdered. The most recent cases springing to mind would be the raping and beheading of two women from Norway and Denmark around 5 months ago in Morocco who were backpacking by themselves. On closer look at the case the women appeared on their social media accounts to believe that there was no threat from certain cultures and groups to themselves. I've been to Morocco myself with a large group of seasoned travelers, and my expedition leader made absolutely sure that none of our female members ever went anywhere near a town or tourist area without at least three of the male members for protection from any unwanted attention, as well as impressing upon us how unwise it is to wear revealing Western clothing in towns and villages if female. The murder was recorded on video and the murderers made it quite clear they committed the act opportunistically and purely because the two women were Westerners (stating literally that they were enemies of their culture and religion as islamists). The idea that two Western women can or should walk through Morocco safely on their own is one I've had plenty of contention from "keyboard warriors" of the internet with, but at the end of the day, those two women are still dead. I shouldn't need to stress that if it can happen to regular people, then it can almost certainly happen to us as well (compound the risk of being a Westerner in certain areas, a woman alone in certain areas and and LGBT person in certain areas). The risk is there because a culture clash exists and to pretend it doesn't would have blood on my hands.
Some superb well informed debate here. I have already had my interest and awareness spiked. Kylo amd Linde you both rock !
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Moni I agree.
I think its a matter of evolving over time. I have been acting and dressing male for so long that my mirror is going to reflect what it's been looking at for the last 63 year.
I have only come to terms with being female in the last year and only started HRT in November. What did I expect? There are a lot of layers to chip away at.
Additionally I have begun to appreciate how massively complex the female world is: fashion, makeup, public decorum, safety concerns, and serious self doubt in the mirror.
...but I still want it.
It just feels right but it still makes absolutely no logical sense...I know it's all about to the heart :)
Hugs,
Emma
Kylo I agree that religious zealotry and right wing fanaticism is increasing globally.
Thugs never disappear from society.
Its a question of whether society is strong enough to police and enforce the law.
Aggressive behavior is faster than the resolve necessary to contain it or eliminate it. Appeasement is never the solution. Unfortunately history is littered with many tragic examples in the last 100 years.
We can't give up, either our hope or our resolve.
@Kylo, how or what do you define as "No go" area's? I can remember that I was concerned (as a 6' tall male) to walk around in Frankfurt in the areas surrounding the main railroad station (that was in the late 60"s), and the same in Berlin Kreuzberg, or certain areas in Duisburg, Cologne, Hamburg and even Düsseldorf. We just did not call them "No Go "areas (the Press invented that expression in Germany). I have my doubts that anything has changed since then, and at that time, it were mostly native born Germans who made me feel very uncomfortable there.
I think if we can leave polemic out of our observations what is going on, we can see the realistic situation, and that has not changed very much since the 60's. And corrected for population size, the thread to females even went down!
Are your sources of information associated with the AfD, or fancy this grouping? If yes, I can understand this!
I cannot say anything about Sweden!
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 10, 2019, 06:42:04 AM
Moni I agree.
I think its a matter of evolving over time. I have been acting and dressing male for so long that my mirror is going to reflect what it's been looking at for the last 63 year.
I have only come to terms with being female in the last year and only started HRT in November. What did I expect? There are a lot of layers to chip away at.
Additionally I have begun to appreciate how massively complex the female world is: fashion, makeup, public decorum, safety concerns, and serious self doubt in the mirror.
...but I still want it.
It just feels right but it still makes absolutely no logical sense...I know it's all about to the heart :)
Hugs,
Emma
It makes no logical sense. Aint that a fact! I often cant help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Prior to 2016 I wouldnt dream I would be on full mtf hrt and dressing female in my spare time.
Im typing this wearing a nightie for gods sake!
If we stand back and think about it, -its absurd - but try to desist- try to forget the inner woman- she will get on your case and kick your ass in ! Let her do her thing and be nice to her and she will be a friend and ally.
Kirsten.
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Kylo and Linde I think there is a common ground.
Sadly, assault against all women, cis and trans, has been around forever. It is impossible to compare the experiences or frequency of attacks between the 1960's to now because attacks in the 1960s were rarely reported to the police, If reported rarely made the local newspaper and even more rarely ever hit the global press.
We are massively more aware now thanks to the internet and globalization of the media.
The frustration is that we all thought that the world had progressed with greater acceptance. Unfortunately Europe has had to absorb a huge shift of population from the Middle East and Africa. They bring with them religious and cultural beliefs that are contrary to the social norms of Europe.
For example more than 200 million girls and women alive today are victims of Female genital mutilation (FGM), also known as female genital cutting and female circumcision. This occurs in 30 countries in Africa, the Middle East and Asia that are predominantly Muslim.
In the US it is illegal to perform FGM on anyone under 18 years of age.
The challenge in a free society is how do you enforce national laws that run contrary to religious laws? In NYC we have an outbreak of measles in children because a religious sect believes it contrary to God's wishes.
Thankfully no one still practices human sacrifice (that I know of).
Kirsten:
ABSOLUTELY ON POINT!!!!
I keep saying this is all so, so,so surreal. I am living it and even I am having a tough time getting it. No wonder my wife can't get it!
At least you are wearing dresses and nighties at home, I am still stealth in my own home!
I am starting to accept my internal sense of gender, but my external presentation is a major subject of my doubts. Do I accept that I look, act and feel like a woman? Can I hope that others will see and accept me as a woman?
Most importantly, can my wife possibly accept that I am a woman? I have severe doubts that she can which leads me back to the start of this very long thread...which hurts worse? I have already admitted to myself that I can't handle the pain that suppressing my feelings will cause. If she can't accept, what is my alternative?
Exactly what I don't want to admit! This just sucks...
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 10, 2019, 11:49:42 AM
In the US it is illegal to perform FGM on anyone under 18 years of age.
But it is the one individual country with the largest number of male genital mutilation! Yes, Circumcision is considered to be genital mutilation by all health care professional in the western world. There is no medical reason for it, it is just tradition and money making!
I am glad that I was not exposed to this barbaric procedure (and that is it, if you would be present at it, or had to deal with botched versions of it, like I have seen while still working), and I have enough penile skin left for any SRS, even with my atrophied penis!
I really don't want to spend a lot of time on this but there is a significant difference regarding circumcision.
I agree that male circumcision is unnecessary. I was circumcised but it never affected my enjoyment of sex. In the US the old argument was that it was healthier and promoted better hygiene in males. That concept is out-dated.
Female circumcision is a considerably more invasive procedure and is not conducted for medical purposes. In many cases it is deliberately done to remove the woman's ability to have sexual pleasure.
Linde my comments are not an attack on Europe but really my greater sensitivity of female issues on a global scale. I am keenly aware of numerous social issues in the US.
The bottom line is we can't be passive about any assault because someone is a woman, cis or trans, regardless where it occurs in the world.
Now about my own problems..... :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 10, 2019, 01:37:46 PM
I really don't want to spend a lot of time on this but there is a significant difference regarding circumcision.
I agree that male circumcision is unnecessary. I was circumcised but it never affected my enjoyment of sex. In the US the old argument was that it was healthier and promoted better hygiene in males. That concept is out-dated.
Female circumcision is a considerably more invasive procedure and is not conducted for medical purposes. In many cases it is deliberately done to remove the woman's ability to have sexual pleasure.
Linde my comments are not an attack on Europe but really my greater sensitivity of female issues on a global scale. I am keenly aware of numerous social issues in the US.
The bottom line is we can't be passive about any assault because someone is a woman, cis or trans, regardless where it occurs in the world.
Now about my own problems..... :)
I agree fully with you, in fact, I used to have a CC permit when I was living my life as a guy (I was politically relative active, and felt better to have a gun on me for a while). But I allowed that permit to expire, because I never experienced any real problem, and that darn gun was sooo heavy.
Now, that I am a trans woman, who lost considerable amounts of muscle mass and strength, I really contemplate to renew my permit again and carry the gun with me in my purse. Because I feel so much more venerable now, and hat to look over my shoulder all the time! Why is this that we have to be afraid, just for being women?
I am still as tall as I was before, and nobody can see that I lost muscles if I wear long sleeved stuff, but just because I am wearing a skirt, I have to moved into the prey category!
I somehow can understand some feminists, telling us we never can be like them, because they had to experience that fear all their life long! Thinking about that, I dislike men even more than I did before!
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 10, 2019, 11:45:39 AM
It makes no logical sense. Aint that a fact! I often cant help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Prior to 2016 I wouldnt dream I would be on full mtf hrt and dressing female in my spare time.
Im typing this wearing a nightie for gods sake!
If we stand back and think about it, -its absurd - but try to desist- try to forget the inner woman- she will get on your case and kick your ass in ! Let her do her thing and be nice to her and she will be a friend and ally.
Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
No one on this thread can give the Emma's and Kirsten's and Gina's on Susan's place an answer about how things will go for their partners. We can hope and some prey for good answers for you. As someone who has been through a transition and been on Susan's a while, I see some of the same fears expressed over and over. One fear that happens a lot is, "I'm not trans enough!" or "I don't think I have the right type of thoughts to really do what my heart is telling me I should do." I think a lot of doubt is created because maybe you are in the starting gate (or thinking about getting there) and you don't have thoughts like you have been through a lot of this. Why do beginning transitioners set up this standard that they must know everything? (Me, me, I did that!) Trust me (even more than you would a used car salesman), you learn what you need to as you go. Yes, there is awkwardness to start off with. We learn from our mistakes. If you know how to laugh at yourself you are ahead of the game. I'm just saying, deal with the decisions you are making, don't stress over step 94 when you are still on step 5.
As for it being a ridiculous situation, yeah, it's surreal, unbelievable, and silly that we find ourselves needing what we do. It's no sillier than needing to be an Olympic curler (I love to watch that sport) or dance on your toes, or be anything we are called to do though. I will say that once you do find your path and can follow it up to realize who you are, it doesn't seem so crazy. I'd call if more like fabtabulously delicious!
Moni
OK just a change of tempo about just today. I was playing basketball and got hit in the chest with the ball.
WOW saw some really big stars but I kept on playing. I shouldn't be that sensitive there...right guys?
...and Moni I get your point but technically I am a 14 year old girl so I don't want to get it ;)
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 10, 2019, 05:14:58 PM
OK just a change of tempo about just today. I was playing basketball and got hit in the chest with the ball.
WOW saw some really big stars but I kept on playing. I shouldn't be that sensitive there...right guys?
...and Moni I get your point but technically I am a 14 year old girl so I don't want to get it ;)
Doesn't matter what you want or not, your boobs will hurt from now on for quite a while when they get hit! i am dealing with this for about 5 years now! Welcome to the hurting boob wen hit club!
14 year old girls know everything. I think one should be president!
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
but 14 year old's are toooooo smart to want to be President! I'd rather go to Sephora.
Moni I have been making adult decisions all my life. This one is way out of my league. The answer is obvious but it constantly makes no sense. As Kim has said many times I'm "going down the rabbit hole".
Hmmmm! 14 year olds! Are we talking sleep overs and pillow fights? Count me in.
I have a lot to catch up on after dinner but I was just replying to some PMs first.
As I scanned down to find the end of all I missed I caught this line by Moni.
No one on this thread can give the Emma's and Kirsten's and Gina's on Susan's place an answer about how things will go for their partners.
Absolutely correct !! We can hope and wish and encourage our sisters all we want but it is important to remember that this is a lot to ask a spouse. Not exactly what they had in mind when they said 'I do'
I know people personally that it worked, and others that it hasn't. If anyone predicts the outcome that is beyond ridiculous.
Gotta go eat and come back and get caught up so I can drop some additional 'pearls of wisdom' :D ;D ::)
While Kim is eating, Emma, I know you are both 14 and an intelligent adult. I hope what I say never comes off as lecturing you. I really only mean it as encouragement. I appreciate that what you are going through is very scary.
Warmly,
Moni
Hi Kim
Oh My where to start?
1. The Kylo Linde discussion. My two cents are more opinion than fact. Yes Europe is going through dramatic cultural changes for different reasons than the U.S. There are challenges to living a safe, open, genuine life nearly worldwide.
It is important to remember than any marginalized group (ie the migrants ) does not automatically make them innocents simply because they are marginalized. There are a lot of crappy people in the world that just happen to be being mistreated by others. Many cultures have a problem with us.
We need to be safe and observant even more than cis women in my opinion.
2. Moni - Curling !! I did that a few years ago at the St. Paul curling club for a work event. Bizarre. It's a lot of work doing the brushing. I was exhausted. Good thing there was a bar attached. ;D
3. Moni's discussion of early transitioners. YEP. Granted I have only had an orchie and HRT but I have been living this life for a few years now. I do not have it all figured out. I say that constantly which is why I usually only give advice about coming out and living authentically. That part I've got down. But believe me it was not overnight.
You stumble through this, learn the hard way and get better at it. Those of us that are giving opinions and advice are just trying to smooth out the bumps a little. At the end of the day you have to live it.
If we can do it so can you. You just need the courage to move forward.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 10, 2019, 06:39:47 PM
Moni I have been making adult decisions all my life. This one is way out of my league. The answer is obvious but it constantly makes no sense. As Kim has said many times I'm "going down the rabbit hole".
For some of us the decision is not so hard, it only took a few minutes for me. Once I realized all of my anger and rage was being caused by decades of suppressing who I was, I had no other choice which would result in continuing to live. The vast majority will never understand how we can make this decision, it seems insane, but we are the only ones who know why it is the right decision. I started HRT just over two years ago and I was just as frightened and scared as you. I was certain my wife would leave me. Now I am happier than ever, and in two months Susan and I will celebrate our 35th Anniversary. These last two years have been incredible, and three years ago I never would have guessed I would be where I am now. Going down the rabbit hole is scary at first, but it opens up a whole new world. Enjoy the journey.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Really thank you Jessica.
I am very afraid and very scared (just admitting that publicly must mean I am female, two years ago I would never have admitted that).
This is the most profound thing that has ever happened to me.
When I say I am out of my league I really mean it. I am glad I finally realized it last year when I started having panic attacks. My analyst really pulled me back. You all helped me define what was happening to me and took away the immense depth of loneliness I felt.
My goal for the next year is to continue to process and evolve. At some point it has to become very noticeable to my wife. She is incredibly observant. Her lack of comment speaks volumes. Along the way she will need to decide and I will find out if we stay together or not.
God that is so painful to say.
I hope my growing strength and conviction is enough to carry both of us.
Hugs,
Emma
Moni and Kim you both are truly the emotional road crew that helps fill the potholes and smooth road ahead for us. It prevents us from crashing and burning. Thanks
Hugs,
Emma
Ok so I was reading today: Gender Dysphoria in Adults: An Overview and Primer for Psychiatrists Published online 2018 May 18 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5944396/ to try an yet understand what is happening to me and a simple question crossed my mind:
In spite decades of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming, male confirming social relationships, male confirming romantic relationships and very deep personal denial, why is this female personality so strong that it overcomes all of this?
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 11, 2019, 12:05:50 PM
Ok so I was reading today: Gender Dysphoria in Adults: An Overview and Primer for Psychiatrists Published online 2018 May 18 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5944396/ to try an yet understand what is happening to me and a simple question crossed my mind:
In spite decades of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming, male confirming social relationships, male confirming romantic relationships and very deep personal denial, why is this female personality so strong that it overcomes all of this?
Emma, let's turn this on its head and look at it backwards. Suppose you started out as a woman and somehow magically had the male hormones injected, male socialization, gender programming, relationships as a 'male', male confirming romantic relationships, etc. would all that matter to you if you really are a woman to begin with. Essentially, you still are a woman who got through all of the above by hook or by crook. What makes you think you wouldn't want to realize your potential as the woman you are. I wouldn't be satisfied, I'd be pissed. Now the only difference between the above scenario and your scenario is the chromosomal difference of XY not XX. (Lest you think this is not a real situation, I met someone who went through what is described above. She was genetically female, was forced to take the other role and it just didn't work. It caused great misery until she got right with being female.)
Not sure if I like the outfit I would have to wear to be a pothole filler. I'll try if I can wear my short shorts, bend over my shovel and wipe the sweat off my brow while the guys pass by eating their hearts out. lol ;D
Moni
Moni it is the singularity with which I am being driven excluding everything else that concerns me. I feel this obsessive drive and I worry about the harm I am doing to satisfy it. It scares me. I am not in control.
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 11, 2019, 04:55:50 PM
Suppose you started out as a woman and somehow magically had the male hormones injected, male socialization, gender programming, relationships as a 'male', male confirming romantic relationships, etc. would all that matter to you if you really are a woman to begin with. Essentially, you still are a woman who got through all of the above by hook or by crook.
Moni
That is basically what happend with me! They made me into a man and I worked very hard on being one, with everything you describe! Until I could not do it anymore, the woman had to come out. And here I am being myself again, but having a hard time to reverse this stupid surgical stuff the forced onto my body!
I can feel for 100% what you are saying Moni, because it is me!
And I also cannot even imagine how it must feel to have an even more off body than mine is, to have to live with while having a female mind. I thought I had some reason for dysphoria, just because of the off genitals, but you guys must be hurting even way more than I do!
I really feel for you girls!
Linde
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 11, 2019, 12:05:50 PM
Ok so I was reading today: Gender Dysphoria in Adults: An Overview and Primer for Psychiatrists Published online 2018 May 18 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5944396/ to try an yet understand what is happening to me and a simple question crossed my mind:
In spite decades of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming, male confirming social relationships, male confirming romantic relationships and very deep personal denial, why is this female personality so strong that it overcomes all of this?
I didn't read this - to be honest I may or may not. I have read dozens it seems. Sound like I am saying it is a waste?
Not at all. Researching this stuff was part of my journey. Trying to make this whole thing make sense. And then after you get an honorary PhD in transgender studies you realize..... whatever. It is who I am. But that does not take away from the value of the process. I am glad I did it and I think it is worth your while to do so too.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 11, 2019, 09:11:00 PM
Moni it is the singularity with which I am being driven excluding everything else that concerns me. I feel this obsessive drive and I worry about the harm I am doing to satisfy it. It scares me. I am not in control.
Emma - In the 15 years I have participated in such forums and the last 3 or 4 very actively I have never said this to someone. I always avoid it because I don't live someone else's life. But based on the post above......
You need to transition. ( can't believe I just typed that ) either that or cast it away and decide you are going to sacrifice yourself. The angst you are feeling is palpable.
I am sure your wife is a wonderful person. I in no way know if she can handle it but I do believe if she realizes the pain you are in she will want some relief for you.
We love you. Don't cry :)
On a lighter note - I want to see Moni's road crew outfit. >:-) :D :D
Emma;
I faced the same dilemma you are before I started transition about 16 months ago at the age of 59. My dysphoria, anxiety, and depression had become unbearable a few years before and I finally came out to my wife. Sadly she did not take it well, I was broken and I needed to be "fixed". I tried to get her to attend joint sessions with my therapist or seek counseling by herself, but again, I was the problem. You can probably guess that this did not end with us happily riding off into a rainbow sunset. December 13, 2017, in one of the two joint counselling sessions she agreed to, I told her I was going to try Hormone therapy and she announced she wanted a divorce.
Losing the Woman who was my world and the love of my life hurt me horribly but I had to let her go because I would not have survived much longer fighting the dysphoria, depresion, and anxiety caused by repressing my true being.
Now if your wife is amicable to counselling and willing to try and love you as your true self it may possibly work.
I personally know a handful of people who have made it work and stayed together. No guarantees and it will be very difficult for you both.
Now if you are still with me let me share this, transitioning and living full time as the person I was truly meant to be has been the absolute best decision of my life. My only regret is that it took so much pain to get to that decision.
Wish you nothing but the best in you journey wherever it may take you.
Quote from: Dietlind on April 10, 2019, 08:57:49 AM
@Kylo, how or what do you define as "No go" area's? I can remember that I was concerned (as a 6' tall male) to walk around in Frankfurt in the areas surrounding the main railroad station (that was in the late 60"s), and the same in Berlin Kreuzberg, or certain areas in Duisburg, Cologne, Hamburg and even Düsseldorf. We just did not call them "No Go "areas (the Press invented that expression in Germany). I have my doubts that anything has changed since then, and at that time, it were mostly native born Germans who made me feel very uncomfortable there.
I think if we can leave polemic out of our observations what is going on, we can see the realistic situation, and that has not changed very much since the 60's. And corrected for population size, the thread to females even went down!
Are your sources of information associated with the AfD, or fancy this grouping? If yes, I can understand this!
I cannot say anything about Sweden!
Do not associate it with the AfD or insinuate, please. There are people outside of of this ideological sphere who are not on the right or conservative and who can still see and acknowledge cultural and immigration-related issues, especially those affecting trans people.
I already mentioned that here in the UK we have islamic parents protesting against the teaching in the national curriculum of LGBT topics and have done so openly and publicly under the statement that this is against their religion. They have successfully had these lessons banned from schools their children attend. State schools, NOT private ones, mind you. Which means the non-muslim children there have had LGBT lessons axed from their teaching too to accommodate this group. This will likely begin to be asked for in every region with a sizeable muslim population and will more than likely be granted, judging by the trends among these communities. I would expect it to spread to other areas of Europe soon if it has not already. This is a direct example of what I am talking about and governments will allow it because islam outranks LGBT concerns in their modus operandi; they are also afraid of offending them. Christian parents would have (and routinely are) ignored when they complain about the same thing. But the governments bend over backwards to accommodate the sensitivities of islam in Europe - and it will be at the expense of the LGBT community at some point. In the UK it has already started.
If you want to know what I mean, let me ask you this. Watch this short video of a recent protest in Germany by Palestinians shouting "Adolf Hitler" in the street.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVNBr0KmiV8
Policeman stood right there watching it, doing nothing. No group of white Germans would get away with doing that in public, as you likely quite well know. But immigrants, and specifically islamic immigrants seem able to do this with impunity. Why could that be, I wonder? This group was also yelling about killing Jews in public. Something else you'd get in deep trouble for in Germany. But not this particular demographic. This particular demographic appears to be protected from the law regular Germans are subject to. Now let me ask this. If this group goes on to start calling for harm to LGBT people, do you think the government is going to protect you? It certainly isn't protecting Jews from it. In fact Jewish people are leaving Germany in large numbers according to many sources. They don't feel safe there any more, apparently. As a group, the islamic demographic has been polled frequently in Europe to see its views toward homosexuality and LGBT issues and let's just say the results are not encouraging. In the UK alone polling conducted by ICM shows that half of muslims here think homosexuality should be criminalized.
I have seen the changes in my own country in the last 40 years; only someone intentionally covering their ears or completely unaware would proclaim there are no ethnic/religious tensions in the making here. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what's on the wall for LGBT people in a continent increasingly populated (and whom the EU intends to invite more of) with people from regions of the world who are largely hostile to LGBT. Perhaps you have not experienced it yet in your own personal experience and local area, but I fully suspect that you soon will see just where the European governments really stand.
If you are not sure what a European islamic no-go zone is, you might need to go back and start from the beginning on this topic and start looking into it. It's an area with a higher than average distribution of islamic residents in which they may use the pressure of their presence/numbers, aggression/intimidation, religious arguments etc. to eject or discourage people they don't like from entering "their" ground, LGBT individuals being high on the list. It is not some area where you cannot go in. No, by all means you can walk in there with your own two feet, but it is not advisable. Particularly if you are visibly LGBT. I can find you some videos of that being done in my own country if you like, and the harassment of gay men in these areas, with the express reason given by the perpetrators that the men "look gay and need to leave". But I am sure you can find them yourself with a search if you wished to be enlightened on it.
Kylo I recognize that increasing global intolerance of the LGBT community is tragic. We have gotten so far but political realities are reversing the trend.
One of the problems is when democratic governments splinter into too many smaller interests, a well organized minority particularly one that is willing to use violence, can have an exponential impact far greater than it's size. History is littered with examples: the Bolsheviks, National Socialists, the KKK, religious zealots, etc.
Unfortunately appeasement is the easy political solution that a society will use until it fails. When it fails, innocents become the victims and sometimes the scapegoats. It is rare that a society has a champion strong enough and willing enough to fight back. The good news is, it happens but it needs the assistance of a media will to expose them, a policing system to set limits on their unacceptable behavior and a legal system that holds them accountable.
As I said earlier, passivity in not the answer. Neville Chamberlain would agree.
Kylo, I cannot see anything illegal that this group of very noisy people did! You should have seen us in the late 60's, when we, as students did our protests. We were unruly, but we were still not treated like protesters in the US are for lesser actions. Anyway, as far as I know (and I am in the US), the authorities are starting to crack down on the mostly young Muslim guys, and deport them in quite a large quantity. Yes, Merkel made a mistake to open the borders for some of these people, but the refugees were mostly families who seem to start their integration pretty well. The mistake was to allow the massive amount of single young males to come into the country. And the authorities are starting to do counteractions about this.
I, as a German Jewish trans women am not afraid to go to any places, to which I went almost all my life, nothing has changed for my life, when I am over there!
Kylo and Linde I suggest you private message each to come to a meeting of the minds. I do not see it happening on this thread. I will keep politics out of my comments and focus on emotional needs and the design of Moni and Kim's road crew uniforms.
Just remember Moni a thong is not a pair of shorts...
I know, I even tried the bright orange reflective thongs and I kept getting hit by cars. You would think they'd stop after hitting me, but no, they sped up.
OK I really wasn't going to respond to anyone today. I am honestly hurting.
Kim, Moni and Ava I was going to ignore all of you but Kylo and Linde sucked me into a political discourse and I was on neutral ground..............now I am not and damn it I am crying again. You all suck... ??? :)
Dear God in heaven all I want is some peace.
Kim I really very seriously considered "cast it away and decide you are going to sacrifice yourself"
I know I don't have the courage for that...God knows I am trying...ah >-bleeped-< I am really sobbing again...>-bleeped-< tell me this stops at some point
Tell me this raw exposure of my soul has some value. No one knows the painful anguish and suffering we go through. It's not fair that we can't create even a modicum of empathy.
I'm stopping. Sorry its Friday night and I am dumping. really sorry
Emma - Before a couple of brief replies regarding the above comments one thing is of paramount importance.
This journey is about finding peace and if someone is very fortunate happiness. That above all else is what you NEED.
It appears in your mind you are in the conundrum of two diametrically opposed forces. Your wife or live as a woman.
All of the rest should be noise. What friends think, what strangers think, what WE think. That stuff is about finding the courage to live authentically. I and others here can coach you until the cows come home and I for one am happy to do it but you have a choice that you HAVE to make. Staying in this purgatory is not an option.
Seems to me to save your sanity the day is coming very soon that is time to have a serious talk with your wife.
I do not pretend to know what to say or what approach to take or what the outcome should be but you have to have the talk.
Your life is spinning in a circle and it is eating you alive. DO IT.
Always here for you and always supporting you.
1. Love the Neville Chamberlain reference. What a dufuss !!! Probably one of the few scenarios in history that Churchill could become a hero. Right man at the right time.
2. Muslims and anti LGBTQ is an issue. Many of the followers of Islam do have a problem with us but as with all people we should not paint with too broad a brush. Several devout Muslims have told me that it is not their view but many extremists do. However that is the case with most religions including my own. Methodists do not perform same sex marriage.
Per Emma's wishes if you want to discuss the above topic PM me.
3. Moni in an orange thong ;D how about a matching orange halter for the 'girls' :D ;)
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 12, 2019, 06:49:26 PM
OK I really wasn't going to respond to anyone today. I am honestly hurting.
Kim, Moni and Ava I was going to ignore all of you but Kylo and Linde sucked me into a political discourse and I was on neutral ground..............now I am not and damn it I am crying again. You all suck... ??? :)
Dear God in heaven all I want is some peace.
Kim I really very seriously considered "cast it away and decide you are going to sacrifice yourself"
I know I don't have the courage for that...God knows I am trying...ah >-bleeped-< I am really sobbing again...>-bleeped-< tell me this stops at some point
Tell me this raw exposure of my soul has some value. No one knows the painful anguish and suffering we go through. It's not fair that we can't create even a modicum of empathy.
I'm stopping. Sorry its Friday night and I am dumping. really sorry
Emma, pardon my ignorance, but what would happen if you start dressing as your feminine self incrementally. For instance womens jeans, maybe a blouse and then ramp up from there. I know clothes are just pieces of fabric but they do facilitate our inner woman to come forward.
I bet you find HRT is providing some relief. Would more feminine expression help.? I have no doubt it will kick off a domestic argument- but that could result in some positive understanding when the drama dies down.
I'm not really trying to give advice - I'm only just keeping my head above water anyway.
Give Emma some liberty- she will thank you.
Getting caught as your female self hurts less- I know none of this is easy,
Yours, Kirsten.
Here's the thing about advice.... it's easy to give.
The one thing Kirsten, myself, Moni et al want is for you to get through this and be happy. All we can do is offer suggestions as Kirsten and I just did.
As with every person on this site YOU have to decide what rings true to you. It is all just food for thought.
That is the reason that I encourage you to continue with this thread. It hopefully helps you but also others reading.
Get some rest, you have a showdown coming- not with your wife but rather with yourself.
Hugs !!!!
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 12, 2019, 06:49:26 PM
OK I really wasn't going to respond to anyone today. I am honestly hurting.
Emma, this is probably the most difficult decision you will ever make. Here is an excerpt from my 'coming out' video:
I now had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or finding peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. My decision could cost me everyone I love -- my wife, my daughters, my family, my friends. In tears, I chose to begin a new journey. Imagine the pain someone must be feeling to make this choice.
I made my decision realizing it could cost me everything, but doing nothing would eventually have had an even greater cost -- I would have taken my own life and maybe a few others with me. It hurts, many of us have been in that exact same position. Choosing life gives us an opportunity to fix a few things. Our lives will never be perfect, but our future can be better than the past we leave behind. Not many people have the opportunity or strength to start their lives over. When I think about what I have done it seems insane, unbelievable, incredible, but here I am.
Once I started my journey it was like a freight train. Slow and halting at first, then it began picking up speed, eventually it was going fast enough that nothing could stop it. It hurts, and there is no way to avoid the pain, but it does lessen with time. Eventually the joy of living an authentic life will outweigh the painful decisions we all must make. Love always -- Jessica Rose
I read through here, not in depth just a bit piecemeal. So, I may be out of line. No, I don't have any grandiose advice to give. I have my thoughts, they're mine and I don't mind sharing them. That's it. No one has your answer, they have their answers. If one of them suits you, great. If none of the do, so be it. If bits and pieces of everyone can help, great. Such is life.
I understand hurting.
I understand raw emotions.
Raw exposure of the soul .. yes.
Severe raw wounds get cauterized in the field. The pain fades with healing.
We are all in the field trying to find our way. Our wounds are being cauterized in the fires of life. It hurts like hell. The pain fades as we heal.
Did that help you? I doubt it. All I can truly offer is commiseration and understanding. I'm not sure why I typed this. Maybe it was as much for me. Keep sharing, get the poison out.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on April 13, 2019, 09:39:47 AM
Emma, this is probably the most difficult decision you will ever make. Here is an excerpt from my 'coming out' video:
I now had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or finding peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. My decision could cost me everyone I love -- my wife, my daughters, my family, my friends. In tears, I chose to begin a new journey. Imagine the pain someone must be feeling to make this choice.
I made my decision realizing it could cost me everything, but doing nothing would eventually have had an even greater cost -- I would have taken my own life and maybe a few others with me. It hurts, many of us have been in that exact same position. Choosing life gives us an opportunity to fix a few things. Our lives will never be perfect, but our future can be better than the past we leave behind. Not many people have the opportunity or strength to start their lives over. When I think about what I have done it seems insane, unbelievable, incredible, but here I am.
Once I started my journey it was like a freight train. Slow and halting at first, then it began picking up speed, eventually it was going fast enough that nothing could stop it. It hurts, and there is no way to avoid the pain, but it does lessen with time. Eventually the joy of living an authentic life will outweigh the painful decisions we all must make. Love always -- Jessica Rose
Emma - When reading Jessica's post I felt as though I was reading a post from your future self.
Sorry for being so rude. I needed some time. It felt like my head was exploding. I apologize for saying you all suck. I hope you know I didn't mean it. It was just my inability to accept the truth that was being said. I really wanted it all to go away. Not too mature, I know. What's next stamping my feet and holding my breath?
I suddenly feel like I am doing a complete reversal.
I started out this thread rejecting this emotional female awakening last year because it defied the logic that had defined my life. Now that I logically understand what has happened to me and accept it, my emotional side is totally rejecting what feels totally logical to me right now, transitioning.
I really don't know if I am making any sense.
I truly hope and want to believe that I will finally become aligned and happy at some point.
Sorry for the other night, hugs,
Emma
You rock Emma!
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Thank you Kirsten but why? All I am doing is dumping my emotional pain on others. What good am I adding? Everyone has their own stuff. This just feels selfish.
Thank you anyway. It was very nice to hear.
Hugs,
Emma
You are being authentic. I know what this pain feels like- I feel like its not just me losing the plot at times. You spent a lifetime being invulnerable - now - like me you know what being vulnerable is- it is a strength- it can be embraced.
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You're right Kirsten, this vulnerability scares me.....a lot!
My first year of HRT/feminine expression was scary for me
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Oh great this is only my 5th month..... :)
Hi Emma,
It is useful to take a time out sometimes. We all have or have had times when it is just too much. It's okay! Believe me it wasn't long ago that I wanted to put my head through a wall from mental pain and frustration. Please don't feel bad about expressing it. Holding it in will tear you up. I haven't been here on this thread chatting that long, but I see you are a really good person, and I am sorry for the pain you are feeling.
Hugs,
Moni
I need an emoji with my arms crossed and pouting in a huff. :D That darn Moni said what I was going to say.
Emma don't worry about it. We are fine and I know you don't think we suck.
I figured you needed a breather, I would have checked in with you with a PM by the end of the week.
Again - you are not being selfish. It may feel that way but you are being giving. How so you may say? ;D ;D ;D
First because how many people do you think are following this thread that feel the way you do? I think many is a fair answer. Secondly you are being giving because you are sharing your true emotions, unlike you apparently have previously in your life.
You would have to be pretty awful from here on out for us to abandon you. :)
Jessica thank you for your thoughts. They light the path that I seem to be following.
Kirsten thanks for running this marathon with me. We will both get through Mile 18.
Moni and Kim, you both are always there, thanks. I promise I won't tell Mom you have been picking on me ;) but Moni bury the day glow thong....please!
Ava thank you for sharing the difficult path you had to travel and confirming it was worth all the pain.
Faith I understand the field craft. I have the will but it's my partner that I need to carry. I hope that she chooses to stay with me. I believe that if she does she has the heart of a warrior and that she will have my back as always.
Consider it buried! Glad to see you feeling better.
Moni
Oh, tell Mom I'm picking on Dr. Kim, that pouty girl, not you.
Ok shifting topics, physical changes in month 5 on HRT (I think you all have had enough of my emotional change).
I noticed that I am getting hair growth (not enough by far...) and the texture of my hair has changed from thin and straight to thicker and wavy. Did that happen to anyone else?
I had the top of my lip lasered and that was the most brutal so far. Not much black beard left there. I am going to assume the electrolysis will be worse there. The rest of my beard is white/grey. I am not touching the hair on my arms, legs, etc until after the summer. At that point I will decide if I am stepping up my commitment to transition further.
The breast haven't grown but seem to be changing shape and becoming rounder.
Sex drive has massively dropped. The equipment is still working but output is zero.
No change in physical strength.
No change in weight and no change in butt or hips.
Facially no change.
I know YMMV but does this seem to be the pattern?
Thanks,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 15, 2019, 11:25:26 AM
Ok shifting topics, physical changes in month 5 on HRT (I think you all have had enough of my emotional change).
I noticed that I am getting hair growth (not enough by far...) and the texture of my hair has changed from thin and straight to thicker and wavy. Did that happen to anyone else?
I had the top of my lip lasered and that was the most brutal so far. Not much black beard left there. I am going to assume the electrolysis will be worse there. The rest of my beard is white/grey. I am not touching the hair on my arms, legs, etc until after the summer. At that point I will decide if I am stepping up my commitment to transition further.
The breast haven't grown but seem to be changing shape and becoming rounder.
Sex drive has massively dropped. The equipment is still working but output is zero.
No change in physical strength.
No change in weight and no change in butt or hips.
Facially no change.
I know YMMV but does this seem to be the pattern?
Thanks,
Emma
You are pretty much like I, not much change done by E so far (even though I have no balls for almost 2 moths now).
I don't know about the hair, because I never lost any, my hair seems to be the same it had been prior to HRT.
I found the electrolysis of my lower lip more painful than the top lip one.
I lost all of my libido several years ago, and my equipment stopped working about 15 years ago. No change here!
I think I lost some muscle strength, but the orchi seems to have taken quite a bit out of me. I am running on close to ZERO T! E is my sole fuel! I m told that my face changed quite a bit, I can't see anything.
My breasts are still growing, but they did not speed up anymore with this than they grew prior to HRT.
I simply feel that 5 months HRT is way to early to see some definate results concerning physical change!
I had a dramatically emotional change starting about 3 to 4 weeks after the orchi. I disliked dresses and skirts a lot, and now I don' want to wear anything else anymore!
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 15, 2019, 11:25:26 AM
Ok shifting topics, physical changes in month 5 on HRT (I think you all have had enough of my emotional change).
I noticed that I am getting hair growth (not enough by far...) and the texture of my hair has changed from thin and straight to thicker and wavy. Did that happen to anyone else?
I had the top of my lip lasered and that was the most brutal so far. Not much black beard left there. I am going to assume the electrolysis will be worse there. The rest of my beard is white/grey. I am not touching the hair on my arms, legs, etc until after the summer. At that point I will decide if I am stepping up my commitment to transition further.
The breast haven't grown but seem to be changing shape and becoming rounder.
Sex drive has massively dropped. The equipment is still working but output is zero.
No change in physical strength.
No change in weight and no change in butt or hips.
Facially no change.
I know YMMV but does this seem to be the pattern?
Thanks,
Emma
Wow upper lip early on? You are a trooper.
Hair on the top of your head. Yeah sounds about right. HRT is not going to change someone from bald into Goldilocks :D but mine thickened up. I had a good deal of hair for a someone in my 50s anyway - I lucked out on that at least but it did thicken up enough so that I can tell the difference.
Electro on your arms and legs? You are a glutton for punishment. Unless you have incredibly hairy arms and legs don't bother. Save the pain and the money. I shave my arms about once every 3 weeks or so. They are practically hairless. I had average hair on my arms before. The HRT will dramatically slow down your body hair.
The one cruel irony is that it does very little for your beard. Mine grows a little more slowly and slightly more sparse but nothing to write home about. That is at least for what is left after electro. Chicken or the egg. I dunno.
My sex drive has dropped too. Most people report that.
As for strength my loss has been gradual and I think it is continuing in year 3. I still believe I am stronger than if I was born cis but there has been enough loss of strength to notice.
Glad the girls are filling out. Maybe you won't need to borrow my 'boob sucker'. :D
Quote from: KimOct on April 15, 2019, 08:18:11 PM
Maybe you won't need to borrow my 'boob sucker'. :D
How is that thing working for you anyway? If it is good, you could arrange a group buy! >:-)
Hey Linde, I like the new pic :)
I can tell it's doing something but I need to use it more often. I am on a brutal work schedule for awhile but I try to get in a little 'pumping' every night. I think it will live up to my modest expectations.
I met Tribble on Saturday night, Jane Plain is up here too. Let us know when you are getting into town.
Quote from: KimOct on April 15, 2019, 08:36:17 PM
Hey Linde, I like the new pic :)
I can tell it's doing something but I need to use it more often. I am on a brutal work schedule for awhile but I try to get in a little 'pumping' every night. I think it will live up to my modest expectations.
I met Tribble on Saturday night, Jane Plain is up here too. Let us know when you are getting into town.
I plan to be there in June, and stay there probably during the summer. They way it looks like, we almost have to rent a ballroom for a get together, with all the people living up there!
Hey Linde I agree with Kim. That is a great new photo of you!!!
Wow I woke up sad. That never happened before. My eyes teared up on the way to work. It wasn't the panic attacks of last year, it was just a deep sadness.
I started writing what was going through my mind while riding the train to work:
Anger, frustration, fear/creating shame for others/hurting others/destroying everything for one selfish purpose/not
passing after destroying everything in my life/soul crushing sadness/the need to receive acceptance and validation
Fortunately it faded as I walked to work and I started to breath again.
One day at a time... :)
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 16, 2019, 07:00:57 AM
Wow I woke up sad. That never happened before. My eyes teared up on the way to work. It wasn't the panic attacks of last year, it was just a deep sadness.
I started writing what was going through my mind while riding the train to work:
Anger, frustration, fear/creating shame for others/hurting others/destroying everything for one selfish purpose/not
passing after destroying everything in my life/soul crushing sadness/the need to receive acceptance and validation
Fortunately it faded as I walked to work and I started to breath again.
One day at a time... :)
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma,
Sounds like you run a journal to externalize the angst of being trans. I bet you find it helps a lot and prevents running back over the same old thoughts time and time again.
Kirsten x.
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Quote from: Emma1017 on April 16, 2019, 07:00:57 AM... Anger, frustration, fear/creating shame for others/hurting others/destroying everything for one selfish purpose/not
passing after destroying everything in my life/soul crushing sadness/the need to receive acceptance and validation ...
So familiar :( :icon_sadblinky: :icon_cry:
Hey Kirsten.
"Sounds like you run a journal to externalize the angst of being trans. I bet you find it helps a lot and prevents
running back over the same old thoughts time and time again."
My externalization is you and everyone who tolerates my endless posts here.
Unfortunately I don't need a journal because I keep running over the same thoughts daily. I just change the order. :)
The good news is that I dropped my shame off the list months ago. Thank you all for helping me with THAT. I hope that the list continues to diminish and disappear.
Faith this all fits into your gender "field craft" strategy, burn out the infection and give the wound time to heal. I am just trying to reduce the long term scarring ;)
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 16, 2019, 11:12:25 AM
Hey Kirsten.
"Sounds like you run a journal to externalize the angst of being trans. I bet you find it helps a lot and prevents
running back over the same old thoughts time and time again."
My externalization is you and everyone who tolerates my endless posts here.
Unfortunately I don't need a journal because I keep running over the same thoughts daily. I just change the order. :)
The good news is that I dropped my shame off the list months ago. Thank you all for helping me with THAT. I hope that the list continues to diminish and disappear.
Faith this all fits into your gender "field craft" strategy, burn out the infection and give the wound time to heal. I am just trying to reduce the long term scarring ;)
Hugs,
Emma
I must admit I use Susans a lot to externalise a lot.
My goal is to have the most half baked, drawn out, tortured transition ever.
I want to end up an undecided mess trapped in a womans body(Lol).
Kirsten x.
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That means we will end up looking like twins ;D... I can be the ugly older sister ;)
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 16, 2019, 12:03:21 PM
That means we will end up looking like twins ;D... I can be the ugly older sister ;)
If we drink too much we can both be beautiful. Alcohol is the ultimate soft filter lense.
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I made need to do tequila shots.........
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 16, 2019, 11:12:25 AM
The good news is that I dropped my shame off the list months ago. Thank you all for helping me with THAT. I hope that the list continues to diminish and disappear.
Can I make a nomination for next off the list? "destroying everything for one selfish purpose" First, you don't know that this will destroy everything. More to my thought is the 'selfish' part. This trans thing involves focusing on ourselves, true. I don't feel at all like my transition was selfish though. Look, I had four siblings. I was the only one saddled with this transgender thing. They all went about living their lives without ever dealing with this condition. Now, all I have done is fix what was wrong to the best of my ability. Was it selfish to want this crap lifted from me? No. Now, my partner and my kids didn't sign up for me being trans. I have treated them with as much respect as I can through the process. They might have been hurt, but it is pretty much up to them as to how they handle it. Their reaction is on them. If I had another physiological condition like cancer, I wouldn't feel guilty for having it. Again, they control how they handle it. If one wants to say I should feel guilty for hiding it, then I say where was the social support and lack of condemnation when I was growing up. Hiding it was not for joy, it was for survival. If we need to transition and do so, it's not like we are escaping with a bag of someone else's gold. We gain peace and contentment. That's what we should feel guilt for? Respect others, do what we can to help them through it, but no one should make us out to be guilt worthy for dealing with this situation. I just read this to my partner and she whole heartedly agrees.
Moni
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 16, 2019, 06:53:54 AM
Hey Linde I agree with Kim. That is a great new photo of you!!!
Thanks! And if you look very close, you might see something in the midsection of my torso that could become a waist one of these upcoming years!
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 16, 2019, 01:47:51 PM
Can I make a nomination for next off the list? "destroying everything for one selfish purpose" First, you don't know that this will destroy everything. More to my thought is the 'selfish' part. This trans thing involves focusing on ourselves, true. I don't feel at all like my transition was selfish though. Look, I had four siblings. I was the only one saddled with this transgender thing. They all went about living their lives without ever dealing with this condition. Now, all I have done is fix what was wrong to the best of my ability. Was it selfish to want this crap lifted from me? No. Now, my partner and my kids didn't sign up for me being trans. I have treated them with as much respect as I can through the process. They might have been hurt, but it is pretty much up to them as to how they handle it. Their reaction is on them. If I had another physiological condition like cancer, I wouldn't feel guilty for having it. Again, they control how they handle it. If one wants to say I should feel guilty for hiding it, then I say where was the social support and lack of condemnation when I was growing up. Hiding it was not for joy, it was for survival. If we need to transition and do so, it's not like we are escaping with a bag of someone else's gold. We gain peace and contentment. That's what we should feel guilt for? Respect others, do what we can to help them through it, but no one should make us out to be guilt worthy for dealing with this situation. I just read this to my partner and she whole heartedly agrees.
Moni
I second the nonmination. I just got home from a session with my therapist and wife. I talked about exatly these things. It was survival. I too did my best to cope. I feel no guilt about this. I deserve to be the real me. There is real joy in that.
We all deserve that. I know others will react some negatively. Many will not be negative. Those who care will try and understand. So far everyone I talk too does that.
Still, tequila shots are tempting.... Emma We do do more than tolerate your posts. Your courage and honesty shines through.
Hugs. Gina
Wow, OK really wow! Thank you all for the nice things said. It really means a lot.
Moni and Gina you are both absolutely right. I just need to get my heart, soul and head to understand and at some point move forward together. The joy of being me will eventually win over the anger, selfish concerns and the fear of inflicting pain on others. Kim is right on point, I am coming to the crossroads.
I know that at some point I will be Emma full time. Honestly that is all that I want.
Massive hugs to you all,
Emma
So for a change I won't be a smart ass regarding Moni. :D
What she said is exactly right.
Being selfish is not caring about how what you do affects others. You obviously do. However as Moni said only they can decide how they choose to deal with it.
You are who you are. Example. Let's say I want to be you Emma. I really want to be you as a person. Can I be?
Of course not, that is ridiculous. I am me and you are you.
Same thing holds true in relation to yourself. You are the person that you are. There are two choices.
1. Hide who you are and deny it.
2. Live openly as the person you are.
You can do either. It is your choice.
What you do owe your loved ones is - truth. And helping them to the extent you can with how the process will take place.
Someone pointed out to me how stressful it is for those that are on the brink of transition. Also a former mentor used to say that she always feels bad for the 'new girls'.
Transitioning sucks. But then it is eventually over.
One thing I guarantee is that this is not going to be as earth shattering, apocalyptic and the end of everything as you think it will be.
I am going to post a picture of a magnet that is on my fridge that I got from a transwoman friend of mine.
(https://i.imgur.com/2iipOSl.jpg)
Magnet on the left courtesy of our very own Ashley - thanks sis. :)
Magnet on the right is the one I want to feature for this discussion. Courtesy of a different Ashley. ( available online )
Quote about 'new girls' - "Bad >-bleeped-<"
I don't come up with any of this stuff I just steal it. ;D :D
Kim thank you again helping me clear my thoughts. It always means a lot!
The magnets are great!
Thanks and hugs,
Emma
OK yesterday was a cool, crazy day. In the photos I posted of me earlier (page 16 if anyone cares) I had a professional do the makeup. All of my attempts were furtive (I am still stealth to my wife about dressing) and futile. I looked like a drunken drag queen who had hiccups putting on her make up....yikes!
I went to Donna out of desperation last year to really help me decide whether I was a transvestite or transgender. This was after my analyst helped me figure out I wasn't a fetishist. Wow what a long year....
We became professional friends. She and my therapist are my best non-web based supporters. Donna has been pushing me to have more courage and confidence in who I am. So yesterday, she finally convinced me to go with her to a private wig salon. I was presenting as male. Everyone ignored my gender presentation, called me "Emma" and treated me like a normal person. I stopped turning red and started to have fun....and I bought a wig, the same one in the last two photos.
Donna is more annoying than Emma. She is taking me shopping next week. She hates everything I buy (what's wrong with EBay?). She says I am not buying the right clothes for my body. I guess she is tired of my "gorilla in a tutu" look.
On another day she wants to scheduled a makeover in her shop (with the new outfit) and take a subway ride to a hair stylist who will style the hair to my face.
She feels that I need to spend more time out as Emma before I make any irreversible transgender decisions. I have surrendered to her guidance because she is right. It's "put up or shut up" time. If I truly need to transition I better take a huge step with the baby steps...whoa!!!!
Scary like when the roller coaster reaches the top of the peak before the drop...I guess I'll keep my hands up for the ride down and scream a lot ;D
Hugs,
Emma
Two things! First, I loved the last few posts here Gina, Kim and Emma! I'm ready to start collecting wood for the bonfire to throw in the 'selfish' thingy.
Two, Emma, when I first saw your avatar before knowing who you are, I thought she looks like she is 'every day,' maybe post transition, and very attractive. I don't like to comment on people's looks, but I will honestly say that that was my impression. (Oh, it wasn't your make up, it was an overall impression.) I need to learn make up too.
Whoops, I lied ... number three. If you get the chance, watch the show Impractical Jokers. You could maybe Youtube it if you don't. It's about four friends who have a show about embarrassing each other. Besides being really funny, there is a lesson. They go into a social situation and the other guys dictate what they must do and say. They do these things even though they are embarrassing because they don't want to lose and face the punishment, more embarrassing stuff. The point is, when they do these things, their world doesn't end. They face their inhibitions and they have a great time. I'm sure it is freeing to them to not be so inhibited. Emma, you got great advice, get out there. Face those fears like you did with the wig place. You will be freed. Moni
Awww Moni thanks. Hugs, Emma
The saying goes...' I hate to say I told you so." Screw that. We all love to say I told you so. :D
What I am referring to is over the months when you felt you had conquered the shame I kept saying, 'not yet'.
How the shame manifests itself is the fear we have when living openly.
When you start going out in public you are going to be scared $#!+ less. How do I know? Because I was.
We wouldn't be scared if we didn't think that there was a reason to be embarrassed. That is how the shame manifests itself. You can conquer it.
Courage is not the lack of fear. It is doing something despite the fear.
Donna is good for you. Follow her advice. And you look gorgeous in the pics.
The nerves in the wig salon were a precursor of what is to come. We all dealt with it and came out the other side. You will too. It just takes time, practice and determination. On the other side you will find Emma. :)
Fortunately I have gone out walking with Donna to and from my analyst twice through mid-town Manhattan. She even made me take the elevator on my own while she waited outside. Sure I was freaked out but I also recognized that it got easier.
Moni I am not worried about embarrassing myself in public, God knows I have done that more than enough times as a man through the years. Kim, I don't think it is even shame either. I really believe that it is the constant reminder that I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to be a woman?
How should I walk? How do I move my arms as I walk? What is my posture? What about my voice? How do I answer someone? Are my arms too hairy? How do I keep the hair from sticking to my lipstick?
It's not shame, it is inexperience. Everything is new and artificial feeling. I sense that it all feels unnatural. I am learning new mechanics. I know I still have both training wheels on the bike and I will for a while but I have committed to "practice, practice, practice". There is a long way to go.
Even personal fear is not an issue. It has never prevented me from achieving my goals. My only significant fear is hurting and losing my wife. That's the one I can't control but the one that you Kim correctly point is totally my wife's choice to make.
Actually the times I feel the most joy is when I am with Donna in my proper gender. You all have pointed that out to me by noticing the deep natural smile I share with the camera. A picture is worth a thousand words.
...and Kim thank you for the nice compliment :D
Hugs,
Emma
As I ponder being diagnosed as transgender I am at a loss at how to explain this to others but I am working on it. Many of thoughts shared here have given me a great start.
When I come out I have confidence that when challenged I can respond that, first, it is not a choice and two, why would anyone choose to be transgender?
My life wasn't perfect but it worked. I had a wife, career, home, children, friends, family, etc., then I hit 60 years old. I am not quite sure what the actual trigger or triggers were but suddenly my female sense exploded into my conscious reality. To simplify, this explosion set into motion the most profound, painful and soul-wrenching dissection of who I am. I am suddenly challenging my entire life, who I am and what I need to do to ease the pain.
This pain is indescribable to anyone who has never experienced it. I have had many women chide me when I even tried to empathize with their pregnancy and birth pains. My pain had no chance of empathy. Who could I tell this terrible secret to?
I started with a therapist. Over the last 15 months I have added:
- This thread where I have been painfully bearing my soul to complete strangers (now my friends)
- An endocrinologist with whom I started HRT which is changing my body and making it weaker
-A stylist that will eventually have me throw out all of my clothes and make me spend hundreds of dollars for the
rest of my life on clothes and makeup and I still won't feel pretty enough.
-A laser technician who is using a painful laser on my face and body to remove unwanted hair
-An electrolysis professional who is following up the laser with an electric needle that must zap every hair left over.
-A voice coach who is making me change a lifetime habit of speaking
-A facial surgeon who wants to mash up and rebuild my existing, totally functioning face
-A bottom surgeon who wants to permanently make me sit down on a toilet and shove devices in a hole he will
create in my body for the rest of my life.
In addition, I have jeopardized my life-long relationship with my wife and I will, with great probability, destroy many life-long relationships. I will be joining one of the most unloved, most misunderstood group of people in the world.
So my answer to the challenging question "Why would anyone choose to be transgender and go through all this?"
Me ;D
Hey Emma, I just read your last post. I am kind of new to your thread, but I hope I am included in the 'friends' designation. It tears me up to see you struggle. Kirsten and Gina also. I read your last post and it made me think of my explanation to my coworkers when I came out. If you are interested, I will post it here. It's kind of a snapshot of someone else who was where you find yourself now. If you don't want it, it won't hurt my feelings. I too wrestled with how to tell the world about this crazy thing in my life.
Sincerely,
Moni
Hey Moni of course you are a friend. I figure when I come out I will need a batch of new ones anyway.... :)
As Kim has pointed out to me this thread is a team effort so please post your explanation. Help with this process is always welcome!
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 18, 2019, 12:26:11 PM
Hey Moni of course you are a friend. I figure when I come out I will need a batch of new ones anyway.... :)
As Kim has pointed out to me this thread is a team effort so please post your explanation. Help with this process is always welcome!
I am willing to wager you will keep a lot of friends. Okay, this was about three years ago in a school setting. I announced through email that after work I had something personal to share (in front of like 90 coworkers.) I was so nervous, I confess I read some of it, still trying to look up at people's faces as I did it. Here goes!
"I really have no desire to impose my personal life on anyone, but what I must do cannot be hidden. I cannot control how you receive my news. The best I can do is be respectful and tell you face to face. First let me give you some background.
As far back as I can remember, I have had a painful struggle within myself. It caused me to be very emotionally withdrawn, angry with myself, and very ashamed. About a year ago, I got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I truly felt like I had spent my whole life pretending to be someone I was not. I decided I had to make a decision about how the rest of my life would go.
One possibility would be to continue as I always had. I have no doubt that this path would be filled with anxiety, depression, and a growing discomfort with myself that is hard to put into words.
My second choice would mean accepting something about myself that I have tried to run from a million times. It would put me in a position of possibly being made fun of, being shunned, or even physically attacked in some situations. This path is very uncertain and would require I go through some very awkward times. The upside could mean I have a chance to find happiness and be myself.
I guess if I chose option 1, I wouldn't be standing here talking to you. :) So far I have told about 80 people. I have been lucky so far in that every person I've told has shown support including my partner and sons. For the first time in my life, I have experienced 14 months of consistent happiness, and I feel like a whole person instead of two battling halves.
I am here to tell you the secret that I have kept from all but my partner for 50 years. Simply put, I'm transgender. This means that I am unable to be happy or comfortable with my gender at birth, male. This is strictly about how I view myself and in no way does this have anything to do with harming anyone else. Last June, I started transitioning away from the person you knew as (deadname.) By next fall, my physical appearance will change, but I will essentially be the same person. (I joked that some may be sorry to see that stay the same.)
I hope people will try to understand. The truth is, I don't understand why this happened myself. What I must do is hard, but it is easier when people are kind. I know some of you have been through worse (cancer, death of loved ones.) To anyone thinking this is a choice, maybe, in a sense, it is. The thing is, I made the choice to say no to this many, many times and was always unhappy with myself. I can't live in fear of other people's disapproval anymore. What I would ask from you is to ask questions. I prefer people asking questions to people shying away for fear of saying the wrong thing."
I must have said things okay because I got a standing ovation and about 20 hugs. Of course there are no guarantees, but things can work out well. It is no surprise that the desperation came through in this. I was desperate. I hope this gives food for thought as one way to explain to others what must be done. Hugs,
Monica
Moni this is a great speech. It is sincere, caring and from the heart. I am so glad that your results exceeded your expectations!!!!
I am NOT taking your bet... ;D
Add my HUG to the pile,
Emma
Wow. I just got home. From seeing my endocronoigist. As I drove home. Prescriptions filled. I was trying to find the word I will need to explain my transition. Moni you hit the nail on the head. As usual. Real courage for all of us like that. I am retired. So work isn't an issue. Standing up infront of my high school staff much less students would intimidate me so much. Still family, friends. It will take some doing
I have told 7 so far. Each has been loving and supportive. I know some may be negative, but my friends are good people.
I have a great support group. New primary doctor endo, therapist.... And the community on here.
Moni Kim. Kirsten....everyone so ready to share and give.
Thank you Emma this thread is so loving and thoughtful.
I know it is hard day to day I was down yesterday, but HRT finally is real. I feel blessed.
Hugs all around.
Gina.
Good on you Gina- that is huge news!
Kirsten x.
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Dear Gina:
I can't decide how to react, a group hug, team high five or just a teary "I am so happy for you" ?
I am so glad that this thread helped in any way.
Massive hug,
Emma
Geez Moni :P You have me teary eyed. That was amazing and should be said to every person that knows a trans-person. Seriously that was really fantastic. You captured this journey in a few paragraphs. Truly profound.
90 people holy crap. I can't touch that but I want to share a similar gutsy performance by another friend of mine.
She was in the U.S. Coast Guard. A Commander by title and captain of a boat with a crew of 18. She left the boat for desk duty about a year or so ago and eventually resigned her commission due to the position on trans-people of our President.
But on the day she left the boat she got up and told her entire assembled crew that she is transgender and that was why she was giving up her command because she thought it would be a distraction for the crew.
Moni - You and she have some bad-ass guts. :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 18, 2019, 11:22:30 AM
As I ponder being diagnosed as transgender I am at a loss at how to explain this to others but I am working on it. Many of thoughts shared here have given me a great start.
When I come out I have confidence that when challenged I can respond that, first, it is not a choice and two, why would anyone choose to be transgender?
My life wasn't perfect but it worked. I had a wife, career, home, children, friends, family, etc., then I hit 60 years old. I am not quite sure what the actual trigger or triggers were but suddenly my female sense exploded into my conscious reality. To simplify, this explosion set into motion the most profound, painful and soul-wrenching dissection of who I am. I am suddenly challenging my entire life, who I am and what I need to do to ease the pain.
This pain is indescribable to anyone who has never experienced it. I have had many women chide me when I even tried to empathize with their pregnancy and birth pains. My pain had no chance of empathy. Who could I tell this terrible secret to?
I started with a therapist. Over the last 15 months I have added:
- This thread where I have been painfully bearing my soul to complete strangers (now my friends)
- An endocrinologist with whom I started HRT which is changing my body and making it weaker
-A stylist that will eventually have me throw out all of my clothes and make me spend hundreds of dollars for the
rest of my life on clothes and makeup and I still won't feel pretty enough.
-A laser technician who is using a painful laser on my face and body to remove unwanted hair
-An electrolysis professional who is following up the laser with an electric needle that must zap every hair left over.
-A voice coach who is making me change a lifetime habit of speaking
-A facial surgeon who wants to mash up and rebuild my existing, totally functioning face
-A bottom surgeon who wants to permanently make me sit down on a toilet and shove devices in a hole he will
create in my body for the rest of my life.
In addition, I have jeopardized my life-long relationship with my wife and I will, with great probability, destroy many life-long relationships. I will be joining one of the most unloved, most misunderstood group of people in the world.
So my answer to the challenging question "Why would anyone choose to be transgender and go through all this?"
Me ;D
Emma everything you said is exactly true. What is also true is who you are as a person. This is your one life, why spend it hiding? You obviously are choosing the path of truth.
SO PROUD OF YOU. :)
I was thinking about you all today. I started this thread officially August 24, 2018 although I made a weak attempt earlier in the year. God, I was desperate for somebody to just care but there was no one who could possibly understand...but you all did.
I was alone then and now I am not. In that time I rediscovered my heart and saw it reflected in so many strangers who shared their hearts with me. That incredible generosity touched my soul.
I can't tell you how much that has helped me, every day getting through the most painful, lonely and destructive time of my life.
I just simply want to say "Thank you".
With much love and massive hugs,
Emma
On behalf of everyone that contributes, thank you and you are welcome. It is a privilege to play a small part in your journey.
Most of us are old enough to remember life before the internet. Who would think you could become friends with someone that you have never spoken to or met? For all of its shortcomings and failings it truly can be an amazing thing.
I thank Susan and others on other forums for providing this to us. Also I want to thank those that contribute financially to make this possible as well. In recent months I have went through some extremely difficult financial times but the light at the end of the tunnel is approaching and I too will be contributing in May. To those that have done so for me I thank you.
It's funny how we can begin to care about others simply by sharing our thoughts, fears, support and triumphs. It may not be a love in the traditional sense but there is a sense of it here.
We love you Emma in this fancy new fangled sort of way.
( Hey you kids get off my lawn !! ) It's probably Moni and her trouble maker friends. Gotta go get the hose. :D
Aww Kim you got me crying again
Those are good tears, knowing that someone cares.
I am sitting around downloading music and drinking wine. I am a very occasional drinker so it doesn't take much. :D Looking forward to seeing my daughter tomorrow and then getting my hair done.
While downloading I wanted to include a song that I think is so cool for those of us that don't fit into the usual gender paradigms.
So.... here you go,
Love you Emma and everyone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR6mM_zfxwE
As I lounge on the back verandah in the tropical heat, in a floral maxi dress in Kirsten mode after work sipping a cold one- Im thinking its an honour to be able to compare notes with you Emma.
So much of what you experience is like what I have found as well. I have one trans friend in Darwin but on Susans I get to interact with transwomen like you all the time.
I would love to hear more episodes of your time as Emma as well. I know its going to happen again- but doesnt it feel so liberating when it does !!
Yours truly, Kirsten.
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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 20, 2019, 03:02:53 AM
I would love to hear more episodes of your time as Emma as well. I know its going to happen again- but doesnt it feel so liberating when it does !!
Yours truly, Kirsten.
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First of all, no pressure, no pressure, but I do have a lovely spot on Kim's lawn picked out to hear more stories of Emma time or Kirsten time. Kim can even join us if she promises to put down the damn hose! I don't usually drink, but I could be talked into it. Where's Gina, she can come too, right? Other friends? Well, I need to check with our host, but I think it's all good. When do we start making trouble? (Rubbing hands together in anticipation.)
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 20, 2019, 04:23:19 AM
First of all, no pressure, no pressure, but I do have a lovely spot on Kim's lawn picked out to hear more stories of Emma time or Kirsten time. Kim can even join us if she promises to put down the damn hose! I don't usually drink, but I could be talked into it. Where's Gina, she can come too, right? Other friends? Well, I need to check with our host, but I think it's all good. When do we start making trouble? (Rubbing hands together in anticipation.)
All you girls would love Darwin- its all beer swilling yobbos in blue truckers singlets-
and the men are even worse!
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Quote from: KimOct on April 20, 2019, 12:15:15 AM
Those are good tears, knowing that someone cares.
I am sitting around downloading music and drinking wine. I am a very occasional drinker so it doesn't take much. :D Looking forward to seeing my daughter tomorrow and then getting my hair done.
While downloading I wanted to include a song that I think is so cool for those of us that don't fit into the usual gender paradigms.
So.... here you go,
Love you Emma and everyone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR6mM_zfxwE
Thank you for sharing this, I like it a lot!
Kim great song, thanks!
Kirsten I am so jealous that you get to dress at home. It's still impossible for me at this time but Emma is going shopping with Donna on Tuesday pick out an outfit for my trip to the hairdressers later this month!
Moni, margaritas on Kim's lawn??? ;D
Emma thank you for creating this thread and my thanks as well to all the supportive people who have weighed in here with you. I did not pick up on this thread, at first, thinking it might be; Which hurts less... laser or electrolysis :D
The emotional toll of transition is immeasurable and yet, you and other respondents have clearly provided invaluable resources for thoughtfully navigating our shared journey. After my six plus years of active and purposeful transition the hurt is difficult to calculate but the opportunities for growth, liberation and this sense of gender harmony are worth every bit.
Yes, great song!
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 20, 2019, 11:01:19 AM
Kim great song, thanks!
Kirsten I am so jealous that you get to dress at home. It's still impossible for me at this time but Emma is going shopping with Donna on Tuesday pick out an outfit for my trip to the hairdressers later this month!
Moni, margaritas on Kim's lawn??? ;D
Dr. Kim is that Miley Cyrus, Mary Jane Grace, and Joan Jett?
Emma, yes margaritas on Kim's lawn, otherwise known as Woodstock III. We can invite all the beautiful gender affirming people and some we need to convince. Look forward to hearing about Tuesday. Too much to ask for a picture of the outfit?
Hi Tessa, how are you Hon! Emma is our fearless leader. She does seem to have a lot of rowdy friends. I only stay because I'm a calming influence. lol
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 20, 2019, 05:26:44 AM
All you girls would love Darwin- its all beer swilling yobbos in blue truckers singlets-
and the men are even worse!
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Can anyone translate this? lol I get the men being worse part, that is obvious! (Sorry boys! Girls rule, boys...well, like I said, they're worse.)
Moni
Without the use of Google, I'll say drunk yokels in bib overalls?
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Quote from: TonyaW on April 20, 2019, 02:12:19 PM
Without the use of Google, I'll say drunk yokels in bib overalls?
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Two countries separated by a common language...
;D
Kate
My British friends say I speak English as a second language.
Thank you Tessa for the kind words. Unfortunately I now know the answer to which hurts worse, laser or electrolysis OUCH!
Moni I reserve the right to not share a photo of the outfit on Tuesday. I have a feeling that Donna is going to bully me again...in a very firm, nice way.
(https://i.imgur.com/sw3m538.jpg)
Haute Couture in Darwin.
This is what Yobbos look like.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 20, 2019, 11:01:19 AM
Kim great song, thanks!
Kirsten I am so jealous that you get to dress at home. It's still impossible for me at this time but Emma is going shopping with Donna on Tuesday pick out an outfit for my trip to the hairdressers later this month!
Moni, margaritas on Kim's lawn??? ;D
Does that mean you get to be Emma in public ? Time in public is my goal!
Kirsten.
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 20, 2019, 06:19:11 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/sw3m538.jpg)
Haute Couture in Darwin.
This is what Yobbos look like.
Does that mean you get to be Emma in public ? Time in public is my goal!
Kirsten.
I was originally going to say hillbillies or trailer trash but I thought yokel would be kinder in case I was wrong.
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I am late to the thread, sorry.
Expressing in public is scary, over time it gets easier and then something happens and it becomes enjoyable and then transparent. It becomes part of who we are.
Kirstene, I do not know much about the land down under, nor Darwin. I have no idea what a Yobbos means in Darwin. It the USA it is a reference to woman's boobies.
Quote from: Rachel on April 20, 2019, 07:23:18 PM
I am late to the thread, sorry.
Expressing in public is scary, over time it gets easier and then something happens and it becomes enjoyable and then transparent. It becomes part of who we are.
Kirstene, I do not know much about the land down under, nor Darwin. I have no idea what a Yobbos means in Darwin. It the USA it is a reference to woman's boobies.
(https://i.imgur.com/E9ZXTuU.png)
More Yobbos and womans boobies in a blue singlet. A blue singlet can be worn as a substitute for a cocktail dress.(LoL)
Your friendly local Yobbette, Kirsten.
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 20, 2019, 06:19:11 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/sw3m538.jpg)
Haute Couture in Darwin.
This is what Yobbos look like.
Does that mean you get to be Emma in public ? Time in public is my goal!
Kirsten.
Wow, Kirsten, I think I'm sorry I asked. I'm hoping these aren't relatives. They look like Mr. and Mrs. Joe Dirt. (American movie with David Spade)The pregnant woman with the cigarette in hand, nice touch!
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 20, 2019, 08:15:36 PM
Wow, Kirsten, I think I'm sorry I asked. I'm hoping these aren't relatives. They look like Mr. and Mrs. Joe Dirt. (American movie with David Spade)The pregnant woman with the cigarette in hand, nice touch!
Ha - love it Moni! No they are not relatives(lol)- I can only dream of having relatives that sophisticated! Come to think of it -that is a close likeness to Joe Dirt.
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 20, 2019, 08:22:53 PM
Ha - love it Moni! No they are not relatives(lol)- I can only dream of having relatives that sophisticated! Come to think of it -that is a close likeness to Joe Dirt.
She looks like Heather Locklear, Kirsten.
Emma only pictures if the spirit moves ya. I really want a yaboo picture of you anyway. Heehee
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 20, 2019, 08:15:36 PM
Wow, Kirsten, I think I'm sorry I asked. I'm hoping these aren't relatives. They look like Mr. and Mrs. Joe Dirt. (American movie with David Spade)The pregnant woman with the cigarette in hand, nice touch!
[/quote
Joe Dirt !!! Hahahahaha
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 20, 2019, 12:16:16 PM
Dr. Kim is that Miley Cyrus, Mary Jane Grace, and Joan Jett?
Emma, yes margaritas on Kim's lawn, otherwise known as Woodstock III. We can invite all the beautiful gender affirming people and some we need to convince. Look forward to hearing about Tuesday. Too much to ask for a picture of the outfit?
Hi Tessa, how are you Hon! Emma is our fearless leader. She does seem to have a lot of rowdy friends. I only stay because I'm a calming influence. lol
Yes it is Miley Cyrus, Mary Jane Grace, and Joan Jett with the exception that it is Laura Jane Grace not Mary.
She is a transwoman that is the lead singer for a group called "Against Me' and possibly my favorite trans spokesperson.
I never was a big Miley fan before but after seeing this a couple of years ago I started to appreciate her voice and even more so her social positions. She fights for the underdog.
That song to me is so cool for what it says, it is a fun sounding song, and the support of Miley and Joan Jett.
It's fun and it chokes me up at the same time. I am glad you enjoyed it.
This thread is an important part of the journey in Emma's life and for many following it but keeping it fun sometimes is good for it's longevity.
Edit for any hardcore music fans. This song is a cover of the song done originally by the Replacements. I like this version better. Thought I would mention it before someone else did. ;)
Just enjoyed a listen as well, Kim. Great sound, great vibe. Loved Joan Jett 30 years ago! Love her now!
Kirsten.
This used to be a very serious thread about my tortured life. Now it's all about music, yaboos and Joe Dirt...thank God!!!!! >:
Speaking of yaboos, no Moni I will not do a photo of my junior yaboos. That will have to wait until I start pole dancing....as if
Kirsten this will be my third time out as Emma. I agree, as Emma I feel tremendous joy.
Yep the thread is evolving and yes I know you were joking/relieved at the topic shift. As is the same with being trans in relation to life in general not everything is about being trans. Page after page of the same turmoil would get tiresome even for those of us that are your most ardent supporters.
I do hope you will continue your wonderful authenticity because IMHO it is helpful to you and those following in YOUR footsteps. Your joys, worries, triumphs, concerns, happiness and pain. It is all you and all part of this.
And yes Emma, you are far enough in this journey that others are now following in YOUR footsteps. :)
This is more like starting sophomore year in high school. What you don't know makes you dangerous.
I saw this quote in an article and I thought it was great. A trans woman, Paula Stone Williams, who recently gave a TEDx presentation. She made a passing comment, which resonated with me. She said, "I didn't hate being a boy, I just knew I wasn't one."
Yeah I saw that TED talk. It was good. My best friend a cis guy sent me the link. I recommend it.
The sophomore year analogy is a good one. I agree.
Got to go work a short shift dealing poker. Degenerate gamblers. :D Even if I didn't have family I would go to a movie or take a walk. Sitting playing poker on Easter sunday afternoon. Yuck. At least it's a short shift.
Have a good day everybody.
Interesting to hear mention of Paula Stone Williams. She is a friend of mine and a pastor at our church. If you have interest in hearing more of her messages you can check out Left Hand Church in Longmont Colorado. Their website is lefthandchurch.org. Paula and the rest of the pastors at our church present a progressive message that accepts and includes all lgbtq+ folks without judgement. I am not preaching or evangelizing, just letting you know more about an interesting member of our community.
I apologize if this offends anyone.
Tia Anne
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 21, 2019, 09:47:25 AM
"I didn't hate being a boy, I just knew I wasn't one."
Was trying to explain (unsuccessfully) how that works to my wife this morning.
We were watching Major League (which was filmed in Milwaukee where we lived at the time) and she asked me about hating the male bonding locker room stuff and would I have rather been wearing heels on a fashion runway. My answer was I wanted to do both.
It's not everyone, but applies to a lot of us late transitioners and for me part of the reason I took so long to figure out what was really going on.
And speaking of Joan Jett, we have tickets to see her on July 11.
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Quote from: Emma1017 on April 20, 2019, 10:53:04 PM
This used to be a very serious thread about my tortured life. Now it's all about music, yaboos and Joe Dirt...thank God!!!!! >:
Speaking of yaboos, no Moni I will not do a photo of my junior yaboos. That will have to wait until I start pole dancing....as if
Kirsten this will be my third time out as Emma. I agree, as Emma I feel tremendous joy.
Emma, I do hope you are okay with the silliness that happens here. Honestly, I don't understand half of the joking around myself, but I try to tolerate it. ::) To Kim's thought, at some point, you do have people watching your progress. It doesn't mean you have everything figured out, but you are showing strength and that is good for others to see. Rachel, (I think I saw her poke her head in the door here) is someone who went through a lot. She struggled for a long time in her journey, and is emerging wonderfully. She was helped by others and has in turn helped others. No, you don't have this all figured out and it is a long road. I do love the fight I see in you. I see the core of strength in you growing. Part of this process not driving you crazy is to laugh. Thank goodness we have Kim to laugh at. (Or is it 'with'? Hmmm! Love ya Kim!)
Pole dancing? Well........!?! My yaboo request was referring to Kirsten's blue singlet fetish. Guess I should have specified Aussie version.
Moni ;D
Thank goodness we have Kim to laugh at. (Or is it 'with'? Hmmm! Love ya Kim!)
Hey !!! I resemble that remark. :D
Ever watch a good movie that made you laugh and made you cry? What makes it good is that is what life is actually like.
This thread is a significant piece of your life's journey Emma and others are following it because they are on similar journeys.
Just like the good movie I described life is filled with laughter and tears. If we ever take this in a direction that you don't want it to go please say so or PM me.
Of course you hurt and feel alone! I am so sorry. I am sure a high percentage of folk here share those feelings. I would honestly share your feelings with your wife. I would explaine how you feel and for how long this has been a burden for you. My wife was not happy when the topic came up. She has been on a roller coaster of emotion and I decision about how she feels about this for the last few years. She knows she loves me but does struggle to understand.
Trust your wife and have faith in your love. Do not continue to hide who you are. You may find that some compromises will help her cope and also help you feel more happiness about yourself.
Best wishes!
Bea
Kim & Moni I love the humor. I doubt you could offend me.
Moni I was just messing with you about my yaboos. ;D
Bea thank you for your thoughts. I have decided already that I am transitioning but I will do it slowly for personal and professional reasons.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 22, 2019, 08:31:41 AM
Kim & Moni I love the humor. I doubt you could offend me.
Moni I was just messing with you about my yaboos. ;D
Bea thank you for your thoughts. I have decided already that I am transitioning but I will do it slowly for personal and professional reasons.
Emma you can't thrust a comment out there about your yaboos and expect someone not to bite. Ah,...so to speak. I hope you are smiling this morning. This is my last day of break so back to work tomorrow. I'll have less time to pester you. (And the crowd goes wild.)
I was thinking this morning, a dangerous endeavor to be sure, about how yesterday sparked my perspective on transition. I went with a close friend to an event. It's not my kind of event but I was thrilled to support my friend. She is in the process of coming out. She spent an incredible amount of time agonizing about facing these people she has known for years as her male self. I honestly think she was scared and I get it, so was I during my turn at this. So we go, and person after person just gave her hugs and talked to her like always. It was beautiful. So often the fear we build up is about nothing when it comes down to the reality. Now my disclaimers! In reality, things can go worse than expected. Some people face terrible reactions. Second disclaimer, I am just making an observation based on yesterday. It is not aimed at you and your situation specifically. I just think for anyone reading this thread, looking at possibly coming out, your worst fears quite possibly can go poof into thin air. It's like the old barfing analogy. Ya sit in bed moaning and groaning, trying not to throw up, being just miserable. Finally you run to the bathroom, worship the porcelain god for a few seconds, and suddenly you feel much better. I think for most people, this is coming out. Wow, I think I have my idea for a Hallmark card.
Oh Moni I'm not sure that one is getting to Hallmark but you do have a creative bent;)
We might well consider these threads as preparation? We may rehearse and gain practice at coming out here in a supportive climate. Once we have arrived at some level of acceptance we can get ready for the more public and personal revelations. Unless we never intend to speak of our lives in transition, coming out can feel like it is happening for the rest of our lives. Labels really are not pasted to our foreheads. I broke into tears and cried my way through coming out queer in 1982 and again in 2013 by owning my rightful gender identity. Now I have quick and practiced lines that are hopefully helpful.
Rather than a weighty burden we may also choose to see and feel this process as one of liberation and education with benefits well beyond our personal sphere. Transition and living our truth are acts of courage even as they may also feel necessary just to survive. Rock on dear friends.
Tessa, Kim and Moni you provide the courageous path to follow. I truly hope that when I come out that the fear I have felt has been over done by me. There are so many moving elements and so little real world support, I just have to hope.
You all inspire and support.
Hugs,
Emma
PS Moni I love having yaboos!
My back up plan for Hallmark was Emma's yaboos but she insists on no pictures. Maybe I can talk Kim into it. (Any pump updates, Kim?)
Emma and Tessa, this is a whole semantic debate which I wasn't planning on, but I don't think what I did was courageous. I think it was extreme desperation reacting to something I could no longer deal with. I am no different than the average person who wants to but hasn't transitioned. There is no special quality in me. When people get desperate enough, in general, they make the move. All the million times I ran from this, I wasn't a coward, and when I went ahead it wasn't bravery. I mainly say this because anyone reading this thread who hasn't moved forward should not beat themselves up for hesitating. They shouldn't think they are any less 'worthy' (may not be the right word) than anyone who does. Maybe they are in a different position or are more concerned with those around them then I was. No, I don't see it! I do think that part of the difference between someone who goes forward and someone who holds back, has to do with recognizing and facing fear. I think some who hold back don't see that fear will never go away. They might not see that whenever they proceed, fear will be just as big. I know some, like Emma, have legit reasons to wait. I think there is, for some, a thought that if they can only wait long enough, the fear will be less. This only creates anxiety on top of the fear. Also, I think knowing that a good result is possible is big for facing the decision. A big boost for me was looking at a defunct website called Wehappytrans. It showed me happy transitioners, and I started to believe maybe I could be happy too. Oh crap, am I rambling. Okay back to the yaboo conversation!
Dear Moni and all:
It's YMMV (your mileage may vary) again. Courage & desperation vs fear & bravery, when I talk to everyone who has been combat I hear the same analysis.
The bottom line is you over came. Each of us has this wall. You can go over it, under it, around it or sit back, have a beer and talk about what a great wall it is. We each find a way to deal with it and...NO BODY IS WRONG.
You decide what you can do. It's like running a marathon. You should never destroy your body to complete the race. I have seen people die of heart attacks (in their 20's) because they were to sooo determined than made any sense.
Please be honest to your self and pick what you can do, not some artificial goal that will destroy you in the process. Sit back and have a beer if the wall is too high. Be OK.
Moni just be my hero like Kim and everyone else who has given me light along this path. You deserve to just be proud that you have dealt with your own "wall".
With big hugs,
Emma
An old friend PM'd me to touch base after many months. She couldn't read all of the pages so I thought I would summarize how I got here:
During Pregnancy: Early in 1955 my Mom got pregnant with me. She had lost her second child 18 months earlier to a miscarriage. Her doctor prescribed DES (diethylstilbestrol).
4-5 years old: I traded my girl play friend my truck for a pair of her tights. I have always wanted to be a ballerina. I remember fantasizing that I would magically transform into a girl all the time after that.
6-7 Years Old: I played with my mothers' makeup and loved the touch of her nylon stockings
8 years old: Saw a Twilight Zone episode where a plain teenage girl gets transformed into a beautiful girl. I used to dream that was me. I always searched for anything that had a boy to girl/man to woman theme the rest of my life. I prayed regularly that I would be magically transformed.
10 years old: I bought my first stockings. For the rest of my life I always had a secret stash of stockings, pantyhose and tights. I always thought I had a fetish but it was the only female garment that was easy to hide and gave me the female intimacy that I needed.
17 years old: I really tried to convince myself that I would grow out of my "fetish" when I went away to college...wrong. I realized that it was something that was never going away. I felt shame, embarrassment and fear of discovery. I walled it up so successfully that it wasn't until I was 60 years old that the wall started to collapsed.
62 years old: I was standing on a subway platform having a full-blown panic attack, my third in a week and I started looking at the train tracks as the train came in. I held on, not for me but for the incredible pain I would cause my wife and son.
I finally decided to get help.
63 years old: With the help of my analyst I finally truly and inescapably understood that I was not a fetishist or cross dresser, I was transgender. The pain had a purpose and I was able to unravel the real me after all these years. I joined in a transgender support group on line and discovered I was absolutely not alone and that my pain, emotional torture, shame and anger was being experience on a global scale by millions of others. That shared pain created a bond that drew us together and we helped each other climb over that wall.
I am transgender and I am ok.
What I learned on the last 18 months:
1. It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2. It is not a choice. It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3. The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older. It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4. The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5. Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast. Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand. In most instances they do the complete opposite.
6. Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7. You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.
8. On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weight of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn't choose.
9. You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand. If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you may have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.
10. When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.
11. Do not give up hope. Find allies and be patient as you find your own answer.
(https://i.imgur.com/XYQbZTk.jpg) This is who I want to be.
I start catching up on the thread this evening with Moni comparing transitioning to vomiting :D
So there's THAT !!
And to answer the boob pump question - I am not doing it very often but I can tell a little difference. I need to use it more often.
OK so the 'real' topic. Courage. I talk a lot on this site about courage. But it is not courage for courage sake. To 'prove' something. That we measure up. I certainly don't come close to measuring up as trans. I have not had FFS or vaginoplasty or BA. Measure up? I don't come close.
The entire point of living as transgender is to be happy. If it is not going to make you happy then don't do it. What is the point?
We all have to make choices in our lives. For example if someone truly believes that their career goals will bring them real happiness then great. If you think being a beach bum will make you happy - great.
Regarding being trans if you think cross dressing on Saturday nights will make you happy - great.
Being happy or at least at peace is what this is all about.
Those with a spouse or SO that they love face additional questions. Can their partner be expected to stay? I don't think they can be EXPECTED to but hopefully they will. This is a huge consideration.
But the flip side of all of this is if your gender issues are truly eating you up inside how are you possibly going to be any good to yourself or anyone else? If you are miserable you are going to make those around you miserable.
My sole point about courage is do not let fear control you. For the first time I remember I disagree a little with Moni I think transitioning takes courage but it does not make us any better than those who do not follow this path.
We all have to weigh our options and make our choices. This is far from the best path for everyone for many reasons but if you believe it is the path that you WANT or NEED ( that differs from person to person in intensity) but if you do believe it is the right path do not let fear stand in your way.
I let it stand in my way for 55 years. At least it wasn't forever.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 22, 2019, 08:25:43 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/XYQbZTk.jpg) This is who I want to be.
That is who you ARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast. Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand. In most instances they do the complete opposite.
I disagree with this point in MOST cases. Sadly it is sometimes true.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 22, 2019, 08:25:43 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/XYQbZTk.jpg) This is who I want to be.
You are beautiful Emma, but be nice to that guy who has allowed you to exist.
I feel about as beautiful as a Yobbo compared to you !
(Just kidding). I cant wait to hear about Emma's next visit.
Kind regards, Kirsten.
Kirsten you made me actually blush...the fact that I am admitting it is interesting...hmm there is more Emma coming through every day.
Although I love that photo, I really don't feel beautiful. That photo is great makeup and a wig. I truly wish I had hair like that. Mine looks like I was a prisoner in a Soviet gulag.
Kim thank you for "That is who you ARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I hope that some day I will be able to say that with the same 100% conviction.
Some side thoughts that struck me today:
I hate getting my hair cut. I went yesterday to the barber and I stopped looking the mirror. I caught myself sighing and, of course, I hated the look. My job requires the professional "suit and tie" look. (some day a skirt?)
The second is just my very confused sense of sexuality. In the office when I see an attractive woman in a skirt and heels and my first reaction pure sexual attraction, the second "nice shoes and I like the outfit". Thank God no one can read my mind!
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 22, 2019, 08:25:43 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/XYQbZTk.jpg) This is who I want to be.
Nice shoes and I like the outfit :) ;)
No wonder its difficult to view reflections of yourself when you look different than you want.
Maddie I loved the tongue and cheek!
I know I will never have a mirror reflection that will make me 100% happy all the time. I will settle for 70% at some time. :)
I find myself increasingly checking out the outfits than the person wearing it. I am having fun doing it!
So, as I continue the transition process, I need to recognize the fun side.
See Kim and Moni, I am admitting that there is light at the end of my tunnel and it doesn't look like a train coming at me. ;D
Wow Emma! Your summary and what you have learned essay suggest an incredibly upbeat learning curve. You got this girl!
Thank you Tessa!
The last two years for me have been the most painful of my life. I am so grateful for the understanding, support, knowledge and sincere heart that has been shared with me. Those two posts were a good way to summarize it all in a functional way for anyone who has chosen to even try to read this thread.
I never meant to make it this long but I agree with Kim, it is helping me and in doing so, I am hopefully helping others.
This next year is going to be a doozy! :)
Ok I promised an update after I met with Donna, my makeup stylist today. Sorry no photos. She insisted that we spend the two hours just shopping. She wanted to maximize the time just buying the right clothes, so I went as me (not Emma). She insisted that I should be proud that I was transgender and not embarrassed to look at clothes.
She dragged me to Nordstrom Rack, which is a discount outlet for Nordstrom. No EBay for her or Emma.
Her strategy was to find blouses and dresses that were right for me...because I had no clue. We went back to her studio. I did a fashion show and then I returned the rejects. The next meeting will be a quick shoes trip, then a make over to check the look. The next session after that we take a subway ride to the hair dresser wearing my new wig.
She is right to make me do this because I am seriously asking what am I getting myself into. I think the electrolysis was easier to take than shopping. I felt really intimidated shopping!
The next session is May 21 because I will be away on business for two weeks. She insists that I go shopping again as me to DSW and try on shoes....she is a brutal gender coach but I get a kick out of her toughness ;D
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 23, 2019, 06:55:58 AM
Kirsten you made me actually blush...the fact that I am admitting it is interesting...hmm there is more Emma coming through every day.
Although I love that photo, I really don't feel beautiful. That photo is great makeup and a wig. I truly wish I had hair like that. Mine looks like I was a prisoner in a Soviet gulag.
Kim thank you for "That is who you ARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I hope that some day I will be able to say that with the same 100% conviction.
My next comment is just personal preference and I maybe in the minority but.....
There is no Emma and (insert birth name here ). In my mind there is only one person. I have no problem mentioning my former name. (Mike). I was transgender as Mike and I am as Kim. All I did was legally change my name to match my gender. Most people use the phrase (dead name) eh, I figure I am the same person just not hiding anymore that I am transgender.
I understand the point that you are making when referring to yourself in the 3rd person as Emma, you mean your female expression, presentation, personality. But I humbly suggest to you and the audience ;D :D that those of us that are transgender are not two people rather the same person on a different part of our life's journey.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 23, 2019, 06:20:32 PM
Ok I promised an update after I met with Donna, my makeup stylist today. Sorry no photos. She insisted that we spend the two hours just shopping. She wanted to maximize the time just buying the right clothes, so I went as me (not Emma). She insisted that I should be proud that I was transgender and not embarrassed to look at clothes.
She dragged me to Nordstrom Rack, which is a discount outlet for Nordstrom. No EBay for her or Emma.
Her strategy was to find blouses and dresses that were right for me...because I had no clue. We went back to her studio. I did a fashion show and then I returned the rejects. The next meeting will be a quick shoes trip, then a make over to check the look. The next session after that we take a subway ride to the hair dresser wearing my new wig.
She is right to make me do this because I am seriously asking what am I getting myself into. I think the electrolysis was easier to take than shopping. I felt really intimidated shopping!
The next session is May 21 because I will be away on business for two weeks. She insists that I go shopping again as me to DSW and try on shoes....she is a brutal gender coach but I get a kick out of her toughness ;D
Hugs,
Emma
I LOVE DONNA !!!!She is just what Doctor Kim (Moni's nickname for me) ordered. Pushing you is great, to the extent that you can handle it. If you are feeling uncomfortable that means you are pushing your boundaries. Then you get to the next level. I think I am going to start a thread maybe tonight about being comfortable in our own skin.
Donna Rocks !!!
PS I got unlucky in many physical aspects - too tall, huge hands, big nose etc but I have very good hair. Not sure how yours is but if you think you will eventually be able to go without a wig start growing it now. Like electrolysis it takes forever. I finally got mine chopped off this last weekend into a bob cut and all the women are complimenting me but it took nearly 3 years to get it long.
I know I know - professional look, blah blah. There is going to be a lot more changing about you beside your hair. Start growing it !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fantastic Emma,
I am learning from this. My lone shopping outings scare me half to death everytime. Often they are a bit like commando raids where I get in, get the items and get out.
I always smile and chat with the shop assistant as required, but every episode gives me a new stomach ulcer !
I would love to go with a cis woman & take my time, I bet you have learned a lot already.
Wishing you a successful fashion wardrobe, Kirsten.
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on April 23, 2019, 07:49:08 PM
Fantastic Emma,
I am learning from this. My lone shopping outings scare me half to death everytime. Often they are a bit like commando raids where I get in, get the items and get out.
I always smile and chat with the shop assistant as required, but every episode gives me a new stomach ulcer !
I would love to go with a cis woman & take my time, I bet you have learned a lot already.
Wishing you a successful fashion wardrobe, Kirsten.
Kirsten, Don't beat yourself up. Mine were the same as yours from age 20 to 55. Now it's fun. Takes work to get there.
Quote from: KimOct on April 23, 2019, 07:55:18 PM
Kirsten, Don't beat yourself up. Mine were the same as yours from age 20 to 55. Now it's fun. Takes work to get there.
Thank you Kim- I will own it somehow!
Quote from: KimOct on April 23, 2019, 07:42:36 PM
My next comment is just personal preference and I maybe in the minority but.....
There is no Emma and (insert birth name here ). In my mind there is only one person. I have no problem mentioning my former name. (Mike). I was transgender as Mike and I am as Kim. All I did was legally change my name to match my gender. Most people use the phrase (dead name) eh, I figure I am the same person just not hiding anymore that I am transgender.
I understand the point that you are making when referring to yourself in the 3rd person as Emma, you mean your female expression, presentation, personality. But I humbly suggest to you and the audience ;D :D that those of us that are transgender are not two people rather the same person on a different part of our life's journey.
Kim, I love the observation that as Mike and Kim you are the same person who happens to be transgendered. Thank you!
I have been thinking about this dilemma for sometime. Bruce or Zoe? Different, no. The same, yes. I am using Bruce in my professional world and presenting female. I am using Zoe in my social world and presenting female. The commonality: I am a woman. I know this and I live daily like this.
What is in a name? Social acceptance? So, I am trying not to get hung up on which name is used, at least for now. I will decide to formally change my name but I will let time take it's own course.
I am Bruce and Zoe and transgendered.
Luv Zoe xoxoxo
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Thanks Zoe. (My cis Aunt legally changed her name from Nancy to Zoie )
We all live this life on the transgender spectrum in different ways. I am so glad to see you finding peace on your journey.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 22, 2019, 08:25:43 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/XYQbZTk.jpg) This is who I want to be.
And she is beautiful, Emma.
Zoe
Sent from my SM-G950W using Tapatalk
Zoey thank you for your compliment!
Its funny Zoey I asked Donna to take a photo of me without any makeup in one of the new dresses and wearing the uncut wig because I felt guilty that my other photos were not a fair representation of what I look like. I wanted to post it here to be fair about my looks. That was the reason I deleted my avatar. We all have enough issues to resolve without making someone uncomfortable with how they look.
There's enough hurt out there.
She refused. She understood what I was trying to do but she said that I should be who I am and no woman would allow an unflattering photo to be taken of her. I still thought I was right but I let it go, for now.
We all have been challenged by transitioning to a sex that is so "looks" based. The good news is we don't have to worry about looking 20 years old. We can be fashionably mature.
Hugs,
Emma
Kirsten, Donna is right we need to have more pride in who we are and shake off the need to hide. Its really tough given our decades of conditioning but we owe it to ourselves! Is there a professional stylist in Darwin that you can hire for a trip or two to the store? Like you there is no chance that my wife will help, ever!
Kim don't worry I don't have a split personality. I speak of Emma and me in order to identify the different genders that I have in motion right now. They are both me. I am just peeling away the conditioned gender to allow the one in my soul to finally emerge.
Donna also scolded me to let my hair grow ;D
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: KimOct on April 23, 2019, 07:42:36 PM
My next comment is just personal preference and I maybe in the minority but.....
There is no Emma and (insert birth name here ). In my mind there is only one person. I have no problem mentioning my former name. (Mike). I was transgender as Mike and I am as Kim. All I did was legally change my name to match my gender. Most people use the phrase (dead name) eh, I figure I am the same person just not hiding anymore that I am transgender.
I understand the point that you are making when referring to yourself in the 3rd person as Emma, you mean your female expression, presentation, personality. But I humbly suggest to you and the audience ;D :D that those of us that are transgender are not two people rather the same person on a different part of our life's journey.
Here's where I'm at on this.
I'm the same person that as I was pre-transition. I don't need or want to hide or erase my past self and transitioning at 54 I really couldn't anyway. I had a good life pre-transition but can certainly understand why someone that didn't would prefer to forget that part of their life. I don't feel that my old self is dead, but certainly doesn't exist anymore in a sense. Retired? Evolved? I haven't been able to come up with the right word to attach to it yet.
I don't like the term deadname as it doesn't usually apply to me. I use it at times because it can feel like that sometimes, like when my father addressed my last birthday card to my full birth name when he hasn't used that in probably 40 years. He always called me TJ, which I purposely kept as my initials partly for him. That's a deadnaming for me. A slip up from someone I know or hearing it from someone who wouldn't is not pleasant but I don't get upset usually.
I can see where referring to your self in the third person can be useful while still needing to present as both genders. I did it in the past as there was a time many years back when I was starting to figure out that it was more than just crossdressing I thought that I may be "bigendered" as I had heard it. Gender fluid is what they call it now I think. Separating myself that way helped me deal with it for a while. Part of realizing I needed to transition was figuring out that there was no reason that all the stuff I considered "guy things" I could also do as a girl.
In the end we need to do what's right or needed for us at the time.You might have guessed that I'm not comfortable with my old name as I didn't use it here. As I hear it less, I may get more comfortable hearing it when referring to my past.
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Quote from: Emma1017 on April 24, 2019, 06:47:14 AM
Kirsten, Donna is right we need to have more pride in who we are and shake off the need to hide. Its really tough given our decades of conditioning but we owe it to ourselves! Is there a professional stylist in Darwin that you can hire for a trip or two to the store? Like you there is no chance that my wife will help, ever!
Kim don't worry I don't have a split personality. I speak of Emma and me in order to identify the different genders that I have in motion right now. They are both me. I am just peeling away the conditioned gender to allow the one in my soul to finally emerge.
Donna also scolded me to let my hair grow ;D
Hugs,
Emma
In a nutshell there is not a professional stylist or I would jump on it. I have had my makeup done once by a professional, I will go again. I just need to get a good look going and run with it. Public presentation would be a milestone for me.
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Kirsten my stylist is my make up person. If you liked the make up she did, see if she could take you shopping. That's what I did. She would have as much fun as you and she will get paid.
Most important she already knows you are trans and will be supportive. Set a budget and go have some fun!!!
Hugs,
Emma
I hated my deadname. I want it gone and forgotten. I'll claim the rest of what I was, but not that! Even if everyone tends to mispronounce my nickname, it's better than that old ratty name. Now, stylists for the house!
MONI
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 24, 2019, 03:59:20 PM
I hated my deadname. I want it gone and forgotten. I'll claim the rest of what I was, but not that! Even if everyone tends to mispronounce my nickname, it's better than that old ratty name. Now, stylists for the house!
MONI
So how is that pronounced again? Is it moan-ie or money or mahnie? :D ;D
Why am I so mean to somebody I like so much? :D I just love teasing.
For those that don't know it is Moni as in short for Monica. I do really like the name Monica.
Ladies, for those of you early in your transition let me share yet another story from the vault. :D
Today's episode is about getting beauty help. Emma has found Donna which is super wonderful fantastic. :)
But for the rest of you or ( if Donna should win the lottery ) there are other sources.
In 1991 I went to someone's home and had a cross dressing makeover complete with fashion show. It was fun but those are just for play.
If you are serious about beauty help in most major and midsize cities there are usually those that cater to transgender people. But even better most of the large chain beauty places such as Ulta and Sephora LOVE helping us. The young women that work there practically knock each other over trying to get to us when we walk in the door.
I am serious. A gorgeous 28 year old was the first one to help me and we became friends. I was HERS but all of the other staff were so friendly to me whenever I came by. Hugs all around. The same is true where I go for my hair.
Don't be scared, they LOVE us. Just stick with either specialty places or the major chains. You will be fine.
I will look for a pic of me when I first started going and got my brows done. It is pretty hilarious.
Thanks Dr. Kim, I know you got my back. Now could you take the knife out? That's Moni like Bonnie!
Love you Monnie. :-*
So here's the infamous pic. I have NO shame.
The eyebrows settled down in a few days.
(https://i.imgur.com/jkx6ZYG.jpg)
Kim you looks absolutely great. I love that photo. What a great smile!!!
I wish I looked that nice when I started. When I look at my company badge photo, taken on my second full day as Jessica, I cringe. But it also makes me remember how strong my desire was to finally become myself, to finally release my soul from the dark place where I had to keep her hidden. We may never be perfect, or match the mental image we have of ourselves, but we can be our true selves. After all is said and done, being able to just be ourselves is the greatest joy of all.
Jessica and Kim:
The theme I get from sharing your histories is that we all need to recognize, even after a lifetime of waiting, that the process evolves over a time period that includes years. It is a painful reality but one that must be accepted.
I have fantasized about the "magic pill" since I was a child and so my imaginary timeline was overnight to become the girl I wanted to be. Discovering at age 60 that I actually have a chance to be the woman that I always thought was a dream, triggers the lifelong "magic pill" impatience.
I have discovered that the evolution of my external sex to match my internal gender is a very long process. It took me so long to mentally and emotionally accept that I was transgender and to accept that my spouse needs to decide if she wants to stay with me (hence this myopically long thread :)). Once I got far enough down that path, I finally started to begin to alter my exterior.
Now at age 63 I have at least two more years at the earliest before the surgeries are done and recovery is complete.
It seems a like a life time away....
Sigh and a hug,
Emma
Ok a very strangely timed article appeared in today's NY Times about Jan Morris who came out transgender in 1972 at age 46. She is a famous British writer who was on the 1952 British expedition that first conquered Mount Everest. What an amazing pair of accomplishments for one life! https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/25/books/jan-morris-in-my-minds-eye.html (https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/25/books/jan-morris-in-my-minds-eye.html)
What struck me emotionally was, as I whined in my last post about my age, she is celebrating her 92 birthday, her 46th as a woman! I have no clue if I will live that long but I hope that for the rest of my life I will do so happily as the woman I feel I am.
I was also struck by the fact that she is still with her life-long companion, her wife. They had a headstone carved that says, "Here are two friends, at the end of one life."
I was lost in tears and felt the need to share here.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 25, 2019, 08:16:46 AM
Ok a very strangely timed article appeared in today's NY Times about Jan Morris who came out transgender in 1972 at age 46. She is a famous British writer who was on the 1952 British expedition that first conquered Mount Everest. What an amazing pair of accomplishments for one life! https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/25/books/jan-morris-in-my-minds-eye.html (https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/25/books/jan-morris-in-my-minds-eye.html)
What struck me emotionally was, as I whined in my last post about my age, she is celebrating her 92 birthday, her 46th as a woman! I have no clue if I will live that long but I hope that for the rest of my life I will do so happily as the woman I feel I am.
I was also struck by the fact that she is still with her life-long companion, her wife. They had a headstone carved that says, "Here are two friends, at the end of one life."
I was lost in tears and felt the need to share here.
Hugs,
Emma
When I was 18 in 1987 I read Jan Morris "Conundrum". I was also researching SRS in the local university library.
I was hoping there was a way I could get a sex change but it all seemed too rare and too fantastic to even get started.
I ended up dating a lovely woman instead and that helped me forget my gender misalignment.
Now decades later I read " Conundrum" again and I am modelling my transition on Jans - take the HRT and slide into femininity naturally over time.
I hope I can keep my family like she did!
Hugs, Kirsten.
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Kirsten you and I share the same hope(s)! All I know is that we are doing the best we can.
I am not sure if I shared this (this thread is too long for me to remember) but I told my son I am transgender three weeks ago. He is 23. He hugged me and said he loved me. YAY!!!
I hope my wife surprises me like that some day!
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 25, 2019, 01:52:51 PM
Kirsten you and I share the same hope(s)! All I know is that we are doing the best we can.
I am not sure if I shared this (this thread is too long for me to remember) but I told my son I am transgender three weeks ago. He is 23. He hugged me and said he loved me. YAY!!!
I hope my wife surprises me like that some day!
Hugs,
Emma
That IS GOOD news. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My youngest sister told me,
" I dont mind what you end up looking like you will always be my sibling and you will always be you."
That touched me. Everyone else is accepting.
My wife was not so impressed with my days outfit of skirt and top.
I could stop dressing but the anxiety and loss of hope is too much for me to put up with.
It is true Emma, we can only do our best
Big hug, Kirsten.
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Quote from: Emma1017 on April 25, 2019, 06:45:18 AM
I have fantasized about the "magic pill" since I was a child and so my imaginary timeline was overnight to become the girl I wanted to be. Discovering at age 60 that I actually have a chance to be the woman that I always thought was a dream, triggers the lifelong "magic pill" impatience.
Emma
Sadly there is no magic pill. No matter what you look like as you transform it will never match that magic pill. I have been living as a woman since 2016 and I still long for that magic pill. (news flash - it ain't happening )
All we can do in this life is live as our real self. To accept who we are and not live in fear. Hopefully that will bring us peace. Is my life all rainbows and unicorns ? Far from it, I still have many challenges including the ongoing battle of my body dysphoria.
But here is the thing. Now that I am comfortable living as an openly transgender woman ( which took about 2 years )
I am now happier than I have been in a very very long time. I still have problems but I don't feel the heavy weight of despair that I carried for a long time.
That is what I wish for everyone struggling with this. And I encourage you to do it sooner rather than later. There is always a rationalization to go slowly and I am not suggesting to act foolishly but I also think pushing the envelope - HARD - is a good thing.
I agree, sooner is better than later.
Admittedly the first few months of being full time were nerve wracking. But after a couple of years now, I came to actually enjoy life. Before that it was a chore.
I totally agree with you Colleen and Kim. Once you commit don't hesitate. The challenge is committing.
It has taken a lifetime plus 18 months for me to understand and then finally commit. My earlier point was that the "magic pill" was a fantasy. I needed to prepare myself for the realistic timeline of years. When you have spent a lifetime fantasizing, reality is an icy barrier that you need to push through.
So far, with the help of my analyst and you all, I understand so I have the mental focus I need. My wife, two friends and my son now know I am transgender. My next goal is confirm that I am going to actually transition to them.
I am working on my presentation with Donna, I have an endocrinologist, a voice trainer, an electrologist, a laser tech and I just contacted a GCS surgeon.
Whew I feel like a Formula 1 race car.
I am incredibly afraid but also incredibly determined so, Dr. Kim, I will continue to push my comfort zone. :)
Hugs,
Emma
The cool thing about this thread is that I don't need feedback to keep writing it.
I worry at times that my myopic focus is becoming boring and worthless. My story is not unique but I take great joy in being a part of the most honest, heart-felt sharing and open dialogue with a world of complete strangers who I have come to simply love in a very mysterious way.
This has been truly magical.
Heartfelt hugs,
Emma
Emma I think you are in a good place, better than in a long time. Once I decided to transition I had a mission. Everything was planned out and it got me going. The plans and journey changed over time, some for the better and others for the worse but having a mission, a goal and a plan is how to do this.
You are getting there.
PS I understood the magic pill reference, I wished for it too, it's a fun fantasy but now it's the real deal.
We posted simultaneously, jinx :D. Beside be cathartic for you and helping you gain insight others get to read the insight of others that have traveled this path. People such as Moni, Colleen, Jessica and other wise people.
The only problem is that knuckleheads like me can sneak in here too. ;D
This more like the Oregon Trail...you're not the first down it but the trail can get lonely a lot.
I'm from NY Kim. Please explain "jinx".... ;)
Dear Dr. Knucklehead, you do pretty darn good in the advice and support column. ::)
Sorry, I am dealing with a crazy woman at work and the stress has been bad the last few days. My good news is getting stitches out of my neck scar correction. Jury is out on how it will look. It's my forth and last repair from facial surgery three years ago. Also, I am headed for a voice evaluation next week hopefully. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. The speech therapist is very excited to meet me, and that makes me feel better. She works with the speech therapist at my job. Thought I would share a bit too.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 26, 2019, 08:09:54 PM
This more like the Oregon Trail...you're not the first down it but the trail can get lonely a lot.
Also no two paths are exactly the same. Reading the journeys of others can help us find our own unique path. Knowing that others have gone before proves it is possible, and it will help those who follow us down the path.
I am reminded of a passage from the 'Deep Space 9' series, where Commander Cisco was talking to Jadzea Dax. I expect this is not an exact quote, but it's close:
Cisco: You should learn Klingon.
Jadzea: That would take at least two years!
Cisco: Yes, but if you don't start, in two years you still won't know how to speak Klingon.
It is a long journey, and we learn a lot about ourselves and others along the way. It isn't easy, and we all have days when we wonder what the hell we are doing. All we need to do is remember our past, then we remember why we decided to take this journey. We are all here to learn, vent, express our joys and sorrows, find support, and on some days give support. Enough rambling for now...
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Emma - Jinx, it is a thing from when we were kids. If you say something at the same time the game is the first one that says jinx wins. Whatever, it's a stupid kids thing.
Moni - Glad you are excited about the voice therapy. Have modest expectations and I think you will like it.
Jessica - Those are some insightful words for 'ramblings'
I put this on Kirsten's' thread and thought it was appropriate to put it here.
Hi Kirsten:
I intended to pull back from my thread and this website for a while but I saw yours and, as always, it struck a cord
with me.
I haven't gotten as far as you to even wear a dress in front of my wife at home but I am hoping that as I quietly
evolve with HRT and externalize my internal thoughts and feelings, she will come to an understanding. We have
been together too long for her not to know and I hope we have a quiet conversation rather than the painful
confrontation that I fear.
You and I are confronting a lot. The sense I get from you is that the female that is you is slowing wearing away the
male facade. I feel the changes inside me doing the same. I can't ignore the joy that I feel that is slowly replacing
the fear.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Jessica:
First I absolutely love that dress on you! It goes with your smile.
My road feels so long and so lonely. Sometimes I lose heart but knowing you, Kim, Moni and everyone else who has preceded, I feel the community strength to hang in and push through.
I like to believe the dark sadness that I feel even now will melt away as I continue to move on. I just hate the slowness at times.
Hug,
Emma
Every day I try to find the words to express what I feel and what I have been through. You are right Kim, it is a cathartic experience. I wrote this earlier for me. Its' not fully thought out but I thought I would share it anyway:
How does a five-year child explain to his parents that he feels like some one else?
Where does he get the words necessary to express complex feelings that even adults
don't understand?
What hope does he have telling them that he dreams every night that he would
magically turned into a girl?
How can he express his sadness when they "correct" him and change the girl toys he is
playing with to boy toys?
Where is the adult understanding when he starts having feelings of guilt and shame
when they catch him playing with make up or his mom's or sister's clothes?
Do they understand the deep sadness he holds inside as he hides the secret dream of
becoming a girl every day of his life?
Do they even see the wall being built brick by brick, day by day to hide the "secret"?
It's hidden well because she needs to survive...
Wow I need to stop...I hope that I am not depressing anyone. I guess I am just desperate for empathy and this is the only place I will find it.
First, thanks for the compliments Kim and Emma!
Emma, you are not much older than I am. Then, as now, children must rely on the knowledge, understanding, and sensitivities of the adults around them for help. When we were growing up the information adults would have needed to understand and recognize what our world was like simply wasn't there. Sure, worldwide a few people were beginning to understand, but the dissemination and acceptance of that information was barely in its infancy. Although still not widely accepted, today the number of people who can recognize and help those who are transgender is vastly greater than it was in the 1960's and 70's. At least we have survived our darkness long enough to live at a time when understanding and acceptance are becoming more common. We can't relive our past. We can't fix our past. We can live our future as the person we should have been. There are times when I mourn my past, I wonder who I could have been or what I could have done, but in reality none of that matters. All that matters is who we are, and what we can do in our future. Living for so long alone in darkness is one of the greatest tests a soul could ever face, but we survived. Our souls can finally see the sunrise, and they can rejoice at the start of a new journey.
So many of those questions are part of my story too. A confused sense of difference of wanting it.
I remember the shame of beng caught in a dress. I hid it so long.
I feel a lot of empathy. I spent last year looking back fighting regrets. Trying to find hope. I got a a lot of hope here. Thanks to you, and everyone who comments. You aren't depressing me at least. I too need to vent sometimes. I am lucky in my wife. She is being so supportive. I can talk to her. I am like you eager to get there. It still seems a long journey. But hormones already have calmed me. I have a quiet hope now.
I wih I could hug the little child yours and mine. It was a different time. I knew nothing of this.
None of us beyond 60 could have found any support. It is so different here now. This site is saving lives. Mine was is in angry, depressed, fearful place a year ago. You aren't alone in coming from a darker place. Facing our fears, frustrations....it's a daily challenge.
Love and Hugs like always
Gina
Jessica,
Love the dress too!
I agree so much. All we have is a future in the light. I started HRT a week ago. No regrets. The past is beyond reach. One day at a time.
Gina
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 28, 2019, 06:52:26 PM
Do they even see the wall being built brick by brick, day by day to hide the "secret"?
It's hidden well because she needs to survive...
Wow I need to stop...I hope that I am not depressing anyone. I guess I am just desperate for empathy and this is the only place I will find it.
Emma, This thread is your place. Do not worry about depressing anyone. Moni and I and others like to goof around from time to time because even in dark times some levity is healthy. But this thread is not a place primarily for entertainment (some comic relief occasionally ) rather it is the sharing of your story.
Those of us further down the road want to help you and others by adding our insight based on experience but you and others in similar places on this journey are the reason for this place of discussion, support, advice and friendship.
In short, speak how you are feeling. That is the entire point.
Love to and from everyone.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on April 28, 2019, 08:10:35 PM
We can't relive our past. We can't fix our past. We can live our future as the person we should have been. There are times when I mourn my past, I wonder who I could have been or what I could have done, but in reality none of that matters. All that matters is who we are, and what we can do in our future. Living for so long alone in darkness is one of the greatest tests a soul could ever face, but we survived. Our souls can finally see the sunrise, and they can rejoice at the start of a new journey.
This is something everyone should take to heart and keep at the forefront of their minds. Do we wish we could re-live the past? Sure but that has to be let go because it is not going to happen. And the upside of that past is that we learned. I have evolved so much as a person since beginning my transition. I thought I was an empathetic person.
Now I have learned how much I still have to learn.
Thank you Jessica for some very insightful thoughts.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 28, 2019, 06:52:26 PM
Every day I try to find the words to express what I feel and what I have been through. You are right Kim, it is a cathartic experience. I wrote this earlier for me. Its' not fully thought out but I thought I would share it anyway:
How does a five-year child explain to his parents that he feels like some one else?
Where does he get the words necessary to express complex feelings that even adults
don't understand?
What hope does he have telling them that he dreams every night that he would
magically turned into a girl?
How can he express his sadness when they "correct" him and change the girl toys he is
playing with to boy toys?
Where is the adult understanding when he starts having feelings of guilt and shame
when they catch him playing with make up or his mom's or sister's clothes?
Do they understand the deep sadness he holds inside as he hides the secret dream of
becoming a girl every day of his life?
Do they even see the wall being built brick by brick, day by day to hide the "secret"?
It's hidden well because she needs to survive...
Wow I need to stop...I hope that I am not depressing anyone. I guess I am just desperate for empathy and this is the only place I will find it.
This really describes it well, Emma. It was my life as well.
Jessica, Kim, Moni, Gina and all:
I wrote this as away to explain to a stranger the questions "Why am I coming out now? Why did I wait so long?"
I absolutely agree that there is no point dwelling on the past. It's over and we survived. I'd rather hope and shape my future!
We are fortunate that at least in our lifetime there is the language to understand our circumstances that didn't exist when we were children and an opportunity to correct our gender alignment.
I spoke to the GCS surgeon's office today and they said the earliest date on the schedule is October, 2020 but that people cancel all the time. Now I just have to face reality and pull the trigger....
Hugs,
Emma
Emma, now I understand the scenario behind the list of questions. They are spot on. We learned to hide at an early age, or suffer the consequences. Eventually we become experts at hiding our secret and it became second nature, we never consider doing anything differently because we have been conditioned all of our lives that what we need is simply against the rules. I bet we all sleep on mattresses that still have the little 'do not remove' tag!
My GCS was originally scheduled for 5 April, and I hoped for a cancellation. I got all of my paperwork in on 28 Jan. On 29 Jan they called due to a cancellation. My new date was 21 Jan! Having six weeks cut off my wait put me in panic mode. I didn't have time to think about the surgery, I had too many personal things to take care of. Maybe that was for the best... no time to worry.
Hi Emma, I thought deeply about sending this in a PM but as I always say this is both about YOU and others. So I am going to say it here. I love that you are getting motivated and are excited to move forward. That is FANTASTIC. Here comes the but....
As they told you there are always cancellations. There is a reason for that. People move too quickly and then get cold feet. Obviously there are other reasons too. Sound like I am contradicting myself saying 'slow down'? Allow me to explain.
Scheduling something is fine if you are possibly willing to lose any deposit but much more importantly I think you are putting the cart before the horse.
You have not had 'the talk' with your wife. Additionally IMHO ( and I really mean that - it's just my opinion ) but in addition to your wife you still have work to do ... again... IMHO.
You have had a couple early outings with Donna which is a great start but there is so much to do yet in both experiences and in coming to terms with who you are. Even going shopping by yourself is a big deal and that is actually an early step.
Getting your name changed, your ID such as your drivers license, showing up to dentist appointments as Emma, on and on and on. In short living your life as a transgender woman.
I am thrilled with your eagerness but I feel like I would be doing you a disservice as a friend and adviser if I didn't say this stuff.
Keep the enthusiasm !!! Focus on more immediate short term goals.
I hope this note was received with the love that it was sent. :)
Hi Jessica:
I know that in the months and days before the surgery I will panic, worry and deal with tremendous personal fears, all with good reason. This comes with so many challenges as you know.
I know that I will approach this slowly for many reasons but I don't have decades left to hide, nor do I want to. We deserve to being who we are, finally.
Hugs,
Emma
Kim I am glad that you didn't PM me because you are right, this thread is about sharing.
It is rare Kim that I disagree with you (this is actually the first time ;)). In general you are right but I believe that my specific circumstances are different.
-I am 63 years old and timing is critical. I have been told that many surgeons who perform GCS, won't after a certain age.
-The surgeon I have selected is now scheduling for October, 2020. I posted here earlier that I was hoping March, 2020 so I actually have to wait 8 months.
-My goal was to do the GCS first because I can still be stealth for my job for my son to take over my practice, the surgery is more difficult with a longer recovery time and I can work from home.
-My plan was to have FFS later, after I came out.
-Assuming that I choose October, 2020: I will have had THE conversation with my wife well before then; I will have 16 months to work with Donna, the voice coach, the electrologist, the therapist, and give HRT additional time to affect my body; and all that time to re-evaluate my decision.
-Be confident that I am not "leaping" to do all this. I still don't/do want to. I absolutely understand the impact this will have on me and those I love, as you know from my endless thread (thank you again for being there for most of it). I won't grab any cancellations to jump ahead unless I am 100% (OK maybe 98%) certain (OK maybe it's really like 94.97543%).
-At 63 I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't intend to dwell on it but I would like to have some time as a woman before I age too significantly (yes that is me being very vain).
-I am confident that once I commit, whatever I don't know post-surgery will be joyously learned afterwards when I finally get to be me. I am not shy and I won't worry about the fools. I will be self-conscious like any teenaged girl buying make up and applying it for the first time, buying wrong clothes and walking in alien shoes for extended periods of time. The difference is my voice will be deeper, I am taller and larger, and if physically attacked I can kick their butt ;).
Thank you for your concerns and thoughtfulness as always.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma
You seem to have moved forward in the short time I have been absent. I take it from your reply above that you have scheduled GCS. I also read somewhere on this thread I think it was Jessica Rose talking about "making the decision is the hardest part". I agree...and once the decision is made then I guess there is nothing but to do but keep moving forward. Post surgery is a huge learning curve and I can attest to that from my own experience. I wish you all the joy of it..
Liz
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 30, 2019, 07:15:20 AM
-At 63 I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't intend to dwell on it but I would like to have some time as a woman before I age too significantly (yes that is me being very vain).
Hugs,
Emma
I back your pardon young lady, but at 63 you have almost another half of your life in front of you! I am way older than you (13 years to spell it out), and I have no plans to kick the bucket in the foreseeable future!
I am still having a ball living my life as a woman the way I want to, and I still hope that I find a surgeon who will do SRS for me who is covered by my health insurance!
I would be pretty weary about a surgeon who is afraid to do a relatively none important surgery on a person because of a certain age, as long as the vitals of this person are good! Such a surgeon seems to be not very confident in his or her abilities!
We do lots of way more involved surgeries on older patients all the time, and just some reformatting of skin is not such a big deal (surgery wise)!
Liz: I haven't scheduled the GCS yet. I wanted to get a sense of the surgeons calendar. I won't schedule the surgery until I have made the absolute personal commitment to my self and then shared it with my wife.
I would love to know what was toughest in your opinion on the learning curve post-op experience.
Linde: Love the fighting spirit. I don't expect to have any push back because of my age from the surgeon, it is just a consideration. I totally agree that I have a lot of life yet! I just want to have the most I can as the woman I am.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 30, 2019, 07:15:20 AM
Kim I am glad that you didn't PM me because you are right, this thread is about sharing.
It is rare Kim that I disagree with you (this is actually the first time ;)). In general you are right but I believe that my specific circumstances are different.
-I am 63 years old and timing is critical. I have been told that many surgeons who perform GCS, won't after a certain age.
-The surgeon I have selected is now scheduling for October, 2020. I posted here earlier that I was hoping March, 2020 so I actually have to wait 8 months.
-My goal was to do the GCS first because I can still be stealth for my job for my son to take over my practice, the surgery is more difficult with a longer recovery time and I can work from home.
-My plan was to have FFS later, after I came out.
-Assuming that I choose October, 2020: I will have had THE conversation with my wife well before then; I will have 16 months to work with Donna, the voice coach, the electrologist, the therapist, and give HRT additional time to affect my body; and all that time to re-evaluate my decision.
-Be confident that I am not "leaping" to do all this. I still don't/do want to. I absolutely understand the impact this will have on me and those I love, as you know from my endless thread (thank you again for being there for most of it). I won't grab any cancellations to jump ahead unless I am 100% (OK maybe 98%) certain (OK maybe it's really like 94.97543%).
-At 63 I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't intend to dwell on it but I would like to have some time as a woman before I age too significantly (yes that is me being very vain).
-I am confident that once I commit, whatever I don't know post-surgery will be joyously learned afterwards when I finally get to be me. I am not shy and I won't worry about the fools. I will be self-conscious like any teenaged girl buying make up and applying it for the first time, buying wrong clothes and walking in alien shoes for extended periods of time. The difference is my voice will be deeper, I am taller and larger, and if physically attacked I can kick their butt ;).
Thank you for your concerns and thoughtfulness as always.
Hugs,
Emma
Emma. I can see you have thought deeply. And are looking to the future. I think that is important. I am three years older. I too have been planning for surgery.. Probably around that time. I am retired. Makes it easier. Idid have the talk with my wife. I was scared. She has been great. We go to therapy together, I am hopeful we will be together. I hope your wife is similar.
I know your situation is different. Only you can decide when and how to take each step, Each of us has to figure this out our own way. If I learned anything from this site it is that we each have our unique experiences and. Situations. Lots of common thoughts and very good advice as welll.
A year and a half is what I'm looking at too.....I on't rush this, just live this journey.
Hugs,
Gina
Hi all,
I have nothing to say about whether or not someone chooses GCS. It is a very personal decision. I do understand, being 61 myself that there gets to be a certain urgency to get it done to enjoy it after. I hope I am not the voice of doom or discourage your enthusiasm in any way, but unless things have changed since I had it, you do need two letters to get the surgery. As far as I know, the letters are based on having a minimum of 1 year RLE living in the preferred gender. I don't know if any surgeon will do the surgery without a letter saying you have fulfilled that requirement. It is a pain, but it is in place to prevent someone from getting into something that they are not mentally prepared for.
It is wise to schedule way ahead because of the wait times, but be aware of the WPATH requirements. I haven't heard of an age restriction on surgery, but most are strict about body mass index, BMI. They want that in a certain range for healing. They also don't look kindly on smoking if that is an issue.
Emma, if you have any questions about post op, the experiences can vary greatly, but I can participate if you have questions. My experience was pretty wonderful. I really look back at that time as one of the best of my life. I actually had a rather lengthy thread here on Susan's about it all.
Hope I didn't bring anyone down.
Moni
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 30, 2019, 07:15:20 AM
Kim I am glad that you didn't PM me because you are right, this thread is about sharing.
It is rare Kim that I disagree with you (this is actually the first time ;)). In general you are right but I believe that my specific circumstances are different.
-I am 63 years old and timing is critical. I have been told that many surgeons who perform GCS, won't after a certain age.
-The surgeon I have selected is now scheduling for October, 2020. I posted here earlier that I was hoping March, 2020 so I actually have to wait 8 months.
-My goal was to do the GCS first because I can still be stealth for my job for my son to take over my practice, the surgery is more difficult with a longer recovery time and I can work from home.
-My plan was to have FFS later, after I came out.
-Assuming that I choose October, 2020: I will have had THE conversation with my wife well before then; I will have 16 months to work with Donna, the voice coach, the electrologist, the therapist, and give HRT additional time to affect my body; and all that time to re-evaluate my decision.
-Be confident that I am not "leaping" to do all this. I still don't/do want to. I absolutely understand the impact this will have on me and those I love, as you know from my endless thread (thank you again for being there for most of it). I won't grab any cancellations to jump ahead unless I am 100% (OK maybe 98%) certain (OK maybe it's really like 94.97543%).
-At 63 I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't intend to dwell on it but I would like to have some time as a woman before I age too significantly (yes that is me being very vain).
-I am confident that once I commit, whatever I don't know post-surgery will be joyously learned afterwards when I finally get to be me. I am not shy and I won't worry about the fools. I will be self-conscious like any teenaged girl buying make up and applying it for the first time, buying wrong clothes and walking in alien shoes for extended periods of time. The difference is my voice will be deeper, I am taller and larger, and if physically attacked I can kick their butt ;).
Thank you for your concerns and thoughtfulness as always.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma, I am so glad that you know that my comments came from a place of caring. I really like the thought you put behind it and I also think it is great you have a solid plan for concrete reasons. That is how I got started too.
Two suggestions I would like to throw in based on where your thoughts and goals are right now. And once again I will mention for those new and occassional readers that I have had an orchie not vaginoplasty. So the space between my legs is different but the life decisions are the same. My testicles are gone (thankfully) and I am legally a woman, my birth certificate, drivers license, social security on and on.
I am transitioned. And there is zero chance I am going to undo all that stuff. So my penis doesn't really have any bearing on this.
Anyway back to my two suggestions.
1. Get going sooner than later on living this life. Not just here with those of us that love and support you but out in the world. That is where the rubber hits the road on this deal. I think Donna should push you even more but she probably can sense your limits. If you want to hit that October 2020 date then it's time to get into high gear. You aren't going to walk in and say 'hey I stopped by for a vagina" :D
2. What Moni said is absolutely right about WPATH guidelines. Because my orchiectomy was elective and not for medical reasons it was considered GCS. I had to meet the same guidelines as if it were vaginoplasty. I needed two letters and a year of RLE experience. This was at a major center at the Univ of Minnesota. So Moni is dead right.
Your reasons are sound in my opinion but remember when I told you the 'showdown' was coming. Well it's here.
Love and Hugs.
Your friend
Quote from: KimOct on April 30, 2019, 09:28:16 PM
2. What Moni said is absolutely right about WPATH guidelines. Because my orchiectomy was elective and not for medical reasons it was considered GCS. I had to meet the same guidelines as if it were vaginoplasty. I needed two letters and a year of RLE experience. This was at a major center at the Univ of Minnesota. So Moni is dead right.
Your reasons are sound in my opinion but remember when I told you the 'showdown' was coming. Well it's here.
Love and Hugs.
Your friend
Yes, once the balls are gone, you legally had a sexual reassignment surgery.
What i always wonder, how do they measure that year of RLE? All this can be manipulated, if one knows and understands the system. WPATH of course are recommendations only, and nobody is forced to adhere to them.
With a little luck, Emma could sneak i for SRS way earlier. (like I did with my orchi).
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 30, 2019, 10:28:02 AM
Liz: I haven't scheduled the GCS yet. I wanted to get a sense of the surgeons calendar. I won't schedule the surgery until I have made the absolute personal commitment to my self and then shared it with my wife.
I would love to know what was toughest in your opinion on the learning curve post-op experience.
Linde: Love the fighting spirit. I don't expect to have any push back because of my age from the surgeon, it is just a consideration. I totally agree that I have a lot of life yet! I just want to have the most I can as the woman I am.
Hi Emma
The learning curve started as soon as I had my sutures removed and started dilation. Once I was able to use the bathroom I had to learn how to pee again as the signals were different and I actually am able to hold it much longer than I could or maybe I get warning signals earlier I don't actually know but essentially it was learning about your own body. Then along come the return of sensation and learning about my new equipment and how it reacted. Learning to be patient with myself as the recovery has been slower and longer that I wanted but its one of those things you don't get a choice in. Even the way in which you experience your sexual response, something I am still learning about...all new and fun to explore.
I am so glad that I had the surgery and for me it has alleviated 90% of all my Dysphoria enabling me to look positively at the future and not spend my whole day just trying to deal with my Dysphoria triggering genitalia. I do remember
@Monica talking about the "what next" part of GCS/transition and that is where I am at the moment and maybe that last 10% will fade in time.
Liz
Dear All:
Thank you for your thoughts and concerns. They mean a lot!
A friend PM'd me and I responded:
"It's funny but I actually don't feel like I am rushing to surgery. I am making a decision I have been waiting for my
entire life but never had any hope or expectation that I could accomplish. Waiting for 63 years is really not rushing
into anything.
I am more concerned about social acceptance. That seems to be shrinking worldwide or maybe we are just more
visible.
I had a sign made up years ago for my office "Carpe Diem...You're dead a long time." to get me motivated every
day.
There is something fundamentally right about my decision so my fears are all the peripherals and the fear, of
course, of hurting my wife.
At 63 I am done having kids so my genitalia is absolutely not important...but I will miss peeing standing up and not waiting in line to use the bathroom.:)"
I am not concerned about the WPATH guidelines. I have seen enough professionals to document my clear and convincing intent. I am waiting a bit before I pull the trigger. I need a little more time with my thoughts and then sharing my decision with my wife.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 01, 2019, 06:43:20 AM
I am more concerned about social acceptance. That seems to be shrinking worldwide or maybe we are just more
visible.
I need a little more time with my thoughts and then sharing my decision with my wife.
Hugs,
Emma
Emma These two points from your quote above are essentially what my concerns boil down to. Per usual I have been wordy explaining my thoughts but to be more concise....
I am not concerned for you that you are rushing into surgery.
My thoughts are more centered on my concern if you have prepared yourself for living in the world as transgender and of course regarding facing the situation with your wife.My thoughts were not are you 'ready' for GCS rather that the two issues have not been resolved.
I do believe you know GCS is right for you. You are an intelligent adult and will do as you see fit. I only make suggestions based on my opinion of what will ultimately lead to you finding peace.
Living out in the world as a transgender woman and addressing your future with your wife are essential before moving forward.
As always, wishing you happiness.
Kim we are in agreement. I understand that you are being cautionary and I appreciate it.
As you have said, I am getting closer to that moment of decision. I know that it's a one way path after surgery that is why I know in the many months ahead before the surgery I will continue to challenge 24/7 my ability commit. I am absolutely testing that resolve in every way that I can.
It is a brutally emotional acid bath.
I am confident that when I make my choice it will be absolute because I am trying every way possible to not transition. If I can find a lifetime of peace and some happiness not transitioning I will choose that. But as I say that, I am finding it harder and harder to believe that not transitioning will be my solution, yet I continue the fight and my internal struggle.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 01, 2019, 06:43:20 AM
I am not concerned about the WPATH guidelines. I have seen enough professionals to document my clear and convincing intent. I am waiting a bit before I pull the trigger. I need a little more time with my thoughts and then sharing my decision with my wife.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi Emma, when it comes to my transitioning progress, I made sure all the 'i's were dotted and the 't's crossed. When I had my mind and heart set on something, it terrified me that something would stop it from happening. I started my GCS thread talking about a lab result that made me think my surgery might be canceled. You say you aren't worried about WPATH, but doctors do care. If you have a doctor in mind, you might want to address it directly and not assume. It is true that the writers of the letters could possibly fudge the timing a bit, but they are not only looking at your intent, but also at your success in living as your true gender. Some folks complain about gate keeping. I'll be honest that first period of time during that year, it was awkward at times. I didn't pass very well or make great clothes choices, my mannerisms, the voice, and I thought the world was staring at me, and it was kind of rough at times. It was my basic training though. All the theory and desires we have in our little heads mean little until we have experiences. I had tremendous doubts that I was 'trans enough' (sorry stupid term that accurately describes my feelings). Each time I went out in the world as Monica was more affirming than any therapist session or fantasy of what it might be like. In my opinion, RLE is quite valuable. I'm
not saying this is you or anyone else reading this, but people can and do lie to themselves. They talk themselves into things with theory. RLE is the antidote to this.
I'm chiming in here and I hope I am not causing stress as in overwhelming you. I do have a question about your partner. I want to be respectful and make sure it's okay to ask about her. I know you spoke earlier about her having a lot of losses in her life. My question relates to that.
Warmly,
Moni
Hi Emma,
This is such a valuable discussion right now, I am listening and learning.
The real world experience of living as a woman.
For me it is the real test and the nitty-gritty of transition. I want to start experiencing it, including awkwardness, mistakes and embarressment & all.
You have been out in public before, I need to get started on that!
I like the idea of being able to live as a woman but go back to the refuge of a man.
Amazing times Emma !
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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 01, 2019, 01:42:56 PM
Hi Emma,
This is such a valuable discussion right now, I am listening and learning.
The real world experience of living as a woman.
For me it is the real test and the nitty-gritty of transition. I want to start experiencing it, including awkwardness, mistakes and embarressment & all.
You have been out in public before, I need to get started on that!
I like the idea of being able to live as a woman but go back to the refuge of a man.
Amazing times Emma !
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Hi Kirsten,
Do you have someone to help you do that? It would really tell you a lot. Of course, you have to account for your nerves the first few times.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 01, 2019, 01:49:48 PM
Hi Kirsten,
Do you have someone to help you do that? It would really tell you a lot. Of course, you have to account for your nerves the first few times.
Moni
I dont really Moni. I dont have a helper. I feel I can pull of a walk at the beach in female appearance with cover-up dress or a midi dress. If I speak it will undo me.
My voice is very male.
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Moni the problem with writing answers is that it can slow down understanding.
I am not assuming anything about this process. I am getting absolute answers to every question I have and narrowing down the multiple options I have so I can make an informed decision. I am not dismissing the WPATH guidelines, I am waiting to meet the surgeons to understand exactly what they require. Once I have that information I can adjust my plans accordingly.
I am not discounting the absolute necessity of RLE (real life experience as a woman). Kim, you and Donna have made an absolutely convincing argument about the necessity of that step far in advance of any surgery. Everything I have set in motion can be stopped by me at any time. Only surgery and publicly coming out are irreversible and I am taking my time with both.
Moni thank you for your warm sensitivity regarding my wife. If I feel your question inappropriate I will let you know. I feel an obligation, to anyone who has read even a portion of this extremely long 50 page thread, to be absolutely honest and straight forward.
Kirsten:
When I go out, I am going out with the help of the make up artist, Donna that I have hired. Your make up artist can be your public support person as well.
Even if your voice is male don't assume everyone is listening. I am practicing singing to stretch my vocal range up. I down loaded a piano keyboard on my phone and practice "do re me fa sol la si do" with each key of the piano, pushing up a little higher as I feel the strength of the note. There are also many voice apps too.
Remember Marlene Dietrich sounded sexy and I am sure her voice was deeper than yours and mine. :)
Hugs,
Emma
And yes Kirsten, amazing times. I never saw this coming two years ago... ;D
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 01, 2019, 02:25:30 PM
Kirsten:
When I go out, I am going out with the help of the make up artist, Donna that I have hired. Your make up artist can be your public support person as well.
Even if your voice is male don't assume everyone is listening. I am practicing singing to stretch my vocal range up. I down loaded a piano keyboard on my phone and practice "do re me fa sol la si do" with each key of the piano, pushing up a little higher as I feel the strength of the note. There are also many voice apps too.
Remember Marlene Dietrich sounded sexy and I am sure her voice was deeper than yours and mine. :)
Hugs,
Emma
And yes Kirsten, amazing times. I never saw this coming two years ago... ;D
I think you are right Emma , I need to find a going out friend
Also I have practiced voice with the Kathe Perez app.
Reading to my sons gets my voice training going as well.
My prescribing doctor has put me onto a Skype voice instructor as well.
Electrolysis gobbles funds right now.
Also I might just go for a public walk regardless, .... and damn the consequence !
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After all of this deep and intense gender dialogue, I got up and went to the Men's Room in my office. As I stood at the urinal I started to laugh at the craziness of all of this. Thankfully there was no one in the bathroom at the time... ;D
That's excellent Kirsten. Having someone help you break the social ice will definitely help. It feels like a long, long way to step out confidently on our own. Kim and Moni are right.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 01, 2019, 02:48:10 PM
After all of this deep and intense gender dialogue, I got up and went to the Men's Room in my office. As I stood at the urinal I started to laugh at the craziness of all of this. Thankfully there was no one in the bathroom at the time... ;D
They say the first thing to go is your urinal composure! Watch out! lol
ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooo Moni. Really??????????????????????????? ;D
I will miss the urinals especially the old ones that go to the floor and you can rest your elbows....
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 01, 2019, 01:25:28 PM
. In my opinion, RLE is quite valuable. I'm not saying this is you or anyone else reading this, but people can and do lie to themselves. They talk themselves into things with theory. RLE is the antidote to this.
Moni
See, it should be handled flexible! Some people need to be tested out not to make the wrong decision.
Others, like I for example, gave up their path of return be turning the balls back in to the system to be used for ho knows what? What good will a REL bring for me? Nothing just unnecessary red tape and waiting time. And who and how is this REL measured? It sure looks like a pretty mean version of gate keeping to me.
Same as my endo who uses the power of his pen to keep me off of progesteron, and some use the pen to keep people away from surgery!
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 01, 2019, 05:35:06 PM
ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooo Moni. Really??????????????????????????? ;D
I will miss the urinals especially the old ones that go to the floor and you can rest your elbows....
See Linde, the gatekeeping works. There is no way Emma is trans. She said she would miss urinals. Definite red flag. Wow, I think we dodged a bullet here!
ah Moni I never pegged you as a sexist.....If you watched the opening scene of the FULL MONTY, one of the cis ladies peed in a urinal standing up. You just need a big target.
Okay, you convinced me and, by the way, you can leave your hat on. ;D
Whats this thing you call a ... urinal? :D
I haven't seen one in 3 years I forget how does that work again?
Actually I still stand up at home. Absolutely NEVER in public. Women would be freaking out.
OK the serious post is next.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 01, 2019, 01:25:28 PM
It is true that the writers of the letters could possibly fudge the timing a bit, but they are not only looking at your intent, but also at your success in living as your true gender. Some folks complain about gate keeping. I'll be honest that first period of time during that year, it was awkward at times. I didn't pass very well or make great clothes choices, my mannerisms, the voice, and I thought the world was staring at me, and it was kind of rough at times. It was my basic training though. All the theory and desires we have in our little heads mean little until we have experiences. I had tremendous doubts that I was 'trans enough' (sorry stupid term that accurately describes my feelings). Each time I went out in the world as Monica was more affirming than any therapist session or fantasy of what it might be like. In my opinion, RLE is quite valuable. I'm not saying this is you or anyone else reading this, but people can and do lie to themselves. They talk themselves into things with theory. RLE is the antidote to this.
Warmly,
Moni
Moni per usual is right on the mark. Emma, Kirsten, Gina and others. We are not saying you are delusional or naive or even stupid. You just have not lived it yet. I remember not so long ago when I was planning my transition. I had this plan and that plan. I envisioned how I would look and how I would pull off this life changing event.
Then reality hit me in the face. There were the terrifying trips to Target ( a multi purpose store for those outside the US ) walking into a doctor's office presenting as female. Filling my car with gas wondering if people were staring at me. The interactions with cashiers calling me sir. The trips through the fast food drive through being told - pull up to the next window SIR.
On and on and on. It scared the $#!+ out of me. It was so hard. And then it gets tolerable. And then it gets easier.
And then you start to think about things and realize it doesn't matter what people think. You are living as you.
It took me about 2 years for the fear to disappear. But it was gradual. Now I realize that some people staring are impressed with my courage. Others find me attractive. And others disapprove. It doesn't matter.
And you know what? Most people don't even pay attention they are absorbed with their own lives.
It takes time and practice to get here. It is not because you lack courage. It is because you lack experience.
That is what I am beating the drum about. If you want experience pull up your big girl panties and DO IT.
I am only being a hard ass because I want you to live this. When you get to the other side it is great !! :)
Quote from: KimOct on May 01, 2019, 08:47:27 PM
Moni per usual is right on the mark. Emma, Kirsten, Gina and others. We are not saying you are delusional or naive or even stupid. You just have not lived it yet. I remember not so long ago when I was planning my transition. I had this plan and that plan. I envisioned how I would look and how I would pull off this life changing event.
Then reality hit me in the face. There were the terrifying trips to Target ( a multi purpose store for those outside the US ) walking into a doctor's office presenting as female. Filling my car with gas wondering if people were staring at me. The interactions with cashiers calling me sir. The trips through the fast food drive through being told - pull up to the next window SIR.
On and on and on. It scared the $#!+ out of me. It was so hard. And then it gets tolerable. And then it gets easier.
And then you start to think about things and realize it doesn't matter what people think. You are living as you.
It took me about 2 years for the fear to disappear. But it was gradual. Now I realize that some people staring are impressed with my courage. Others find me attractive. And others disapprove. It doesn't matter.
And you know what? Most people don't even pay attention they are absorbed with their own lives.
It takes time and practice to get here. It is not because you lack courage. It is because you lack experience.
That is what I am beating the drum about. If you want experience pull up your big girl panties and DO IT.
I am only being a hard ass because I want you to live this. When you get to the other side it is great !! :)
Now that was a valuable snippet Kim. Im going to read it again!
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Kim you are truly like an older sister (or possible a football coach):).
I totally get that I need RLE as a woman but my point is slightly different. I know I am transitioning. I verbalize my constant doubts because I am looking for the easy way out and a solid reason to not transition.
There are none.
I am just getting comfortable with my acceptance of who I truly am based on just being really and totally honest with myself. Accepting that I am transgender has been challenging, accepting that I need to transition is even more daunting.
I am going to transition.
Regardless of when I have GCS, that fact is never going to change. RLE will happen before GCS and RLE will happen after GCS but it will not determine whether I will have GCS. I know I need to.
My timeline is massively adaptable to my reality as it evolves. I know there are many unforeseen obstacles to overcome but if there is one thing that I have gotten from everyone here who have transitioned, there are also many opportunities for joy and lasting happiness. Those are what I will focus on.
I want to look forward to the future, not fear it. God knows that I have had a painful lifetime of fear, shame and guilt. I believe that transitioning will be easier than that because the new fear, not passing, will be short lived.
It will corrected by RLE.
Right coach? ;D ;)
Big hug,
Emma
Coach Dr. Kim, I can't keep up with all her titles. I am sorry to inform you of this sad reality. Unfortunately, I am home sick today and can find nothing better to do than to harass you. You lucky devil. I respect that you are so introspective. You see what you need to do. You know the things that will cause you heartache. I think you have kind of a black and white framework for how to proceed. So, why would I open my big yap? I am only an expert on my transition, no one else's. We have very different circumstances. But, I might be able to add a little color to that black and white framework. In this case, I think that once you make a decision to go ahead with something like a surgical procedure, it is no longer some vague idea on progress. It becomes something that seems to take forever to get to. Ask Liz, she's just been through 'the wait.' I spent countless hours on here trying to deal with the waiting time. I think knowing that it will happen in reality, something about it, makes it so hard to be patient. All I'm saying is plan well. Plan to try to eliminate delays. They might seem like nothing now when plans are vague a thought, but when you actually do the time, it sucks.
My question from earlier is this. If I am correct, you felt like your partner was very vulnerable after losses to her family. Do you feel like she is still mentally at that same place? Do you see any opportunity to move forward with her?
Moni
Coach Moni sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. Get well soon.
I agree that I will become increasingly impatient over time. The example I used earlier in this thread was comparing a kid getting the Christmas catalog in September.
My wife and I went through a lot of pain and loss together. I know that she understands that I am not leaving her. My concern is that she won't be able to stay with me if I transition but I believe that we just might be able to work in out. This has been the major reason I have gone slowly and will continue to do so, out of sensitivity to what she has been through. She is pretty tough, we love each other and we are our own best friends.
I hope she truly understands that I didn't choose this and that I have tried every viable option available to not transition. I believe she will stay.
Feel better Moni.
Emma, I know you want to transition. I am positive of that fact. There's just something I want to say to everyone.
Transitioning is not a dare, a badge of honor, a competition to be won, something to prove.
Transition is about living as our authentic selves but more importantly to be happy or at the very least happier or finding some degree of peace.
There are trade offs. This is not for everyone that has gender issues. Gender issues are more extreme in some people compared to others. I believe in a gender spectrum. I myself fall somewhere between female and non binary in how I feel. But I don't choose to be gender fluid (just not my cup of tea)
Back to the point. Nobody HAS to transition.
Emma, you frequently mention that you try to talk yourself out of transition but that you know that you must.
That is a choice that only you can make. If you feel that complete transition is your only viable path you need to start moving forward.
Make THE decision and if you are going to do this then talk to your wife.
This state of limbo that you are in is going to drive you nuts. Moving slowly is going to be an ineffective salve.
I am pretty much trying to push you into the swimming pool and yelling swim. Not the nicest thing but standing on the edge of the pool for a long time can be excruciating.
I care about you a lot for someone that I have never met. I don't say these things to be hurtful, I say them because I think they are good advice.
You don't have to transition or maybe you do. I don't know. You know if you do or don't.
But if you are going to do it ..... do it.
You love your wife. She deserves to know what is going on and have her say.
I hate saying these things but I think they need to be said. :'(
Much love and big hugs.
Ah Kim sooo you're a swimming coach ;)
You are the third person in 24 hours to "yell" at me to talk to my wife immediately: you, my therapist and my best friend on my job, Carol.
Carol was the first one I told I was transgender.
Funny side story, a year ago she confronted me because I left the office regularly for "secret" meetings. She thought I was cheating on my wife. Reacting with absolute shock I blurted out "I'm not cheating on my wife, I'm transgender and I am seeing a therapist." Her reaction? "Can I hug you?"....It was a really great hug. She has been my confidante ever since (she is also a bully like Donna). She strongly believes that I won't be able keep to my long timeline of transition (although my analyst does)...hmm sound familiar Kim?
I should turn this into a "When is Emma finally going public and come out?" betting pool. Not sure what the prize should be.
I have to go out of town for the next two weeks with limited internet access. My fearful intention has been to talk to my wife when I get back but absolutely not before.
Kim you get to yell at me in a month if I chicken out.
Hugs back,
Emma
Fair enough. BTW I was on swim team in HS for ONE day. I quit. Too much swimming ;D
Talking to your wife before a long trip would be insane so you definitely get a pass on that one.
And I don't entirely disagree with your time line either. GCS in Oct 2020 sounds reasonable. And hanging around your business before going full time for the benefit of your son is also reasonable. To a point. At some point you will have to let go of his hand regarding business and I realize some clients ( I assume that is the delay ) will have an issue with your gender.
What I am trying to push you on is a few things.
1. Your wife. You are making all kinds of plans. You love her. I have zero doubt of that. But you are trying to ease her into this like a frog into boiling water. Misguided intentions / love / hope / protecting her / etc etc. It is still manipulation even if it is coming from the fact that you love her. She is your equal. She is an adult. She loves you.
She deserves to be part of this life changing discussion / plan / trip. The one thing we owe people in our lives is the truth.
2. If Oct 2020 is the penciled in target date you have a lot to do sister. :D Going out more in public. By yourself soon, not just walking around shopping etc. You need to run errands, interact with people etc. Going straight from a couple of trips out with a support person to going full time is a fools errand.
This in between time is the worst. Presenting as male one part of the day and female another part really sucks !!!
It is part of the deal. You will survive, and you will learn.
THAT is what I am pushing you about.
I am so very happy that you take my tough love as what it is ... love. I am this way because this is what helped me transition. It is not for everyone but it's the only advice I know how to give.
HUGS :) :)
ok ok ok I'll start of by apologizing. I'm crying. I have no special reason but I am... a couple of glasses of red wine and just a bone wearying sadness...maybe I am just tired of the strain or the pain or the thousands of other things we all are forced to deal with on top of just life.
Sorry I am using you all to vent. I have no where to go with this. If we were in a bar I would buy you a large glass of wine to listen to me. Lousy deal for you.
I don't know if it is the HRT or just absolute sadness. Why should I be sad? I am finally finding ME!
I really hate crying or holy >-bleeped-< now sobbing...or maybe this is good?
Does this make any sense?
I'm really sorry to dump.
emma
Emma it is fine. As we have talked about this is about you sharing EVERYTHING. I am sure I contributed as a catalyst but I am not causing the feeling, (maybe lighting the spark ) but everything you have carried your entire life is bubbling up.
This is tough stuff. I cried a bunch too when I was early on and I was divorced so I didn't have the added stress of a wife.
You are entitled to cry and to vent to us. Others feeling the same way are seeing that they are not alone. And those of us further down the path feel for you - we were there.
You are cared for. Obviously your wife but friends like Donna, Carol and us.
But...... this has to come to an end. Living like this is painful. Stop the pain.
truly Kim I guess I just want to be left alone and it is absolutely not you, it is just everything. I am glad I will be out of touch for the next two weeks...or maybe not. I feel so mentally beat up. I don't know that I can keep this up. wow
I want me to leave me alone...
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 03, 2019, 06:58:04 PM
ok ok ok I'll start of by apologizing. I'm crying. I have no special reason but I am... a couple of glasses of red wine and just a bone wearying sadness...maybe I am just tired of the strain or the pain or the thousands of other things we all are forced to deal with on top of just life.
Sorry I am using you all to vent. I have no where to go with this. If we were in a bar I would buy you a large glass of wine to listen to me. Lousy deal for you.
I don't know if it is the HRT or just absolute sadness. Why should I be sad? I am finally finding ME!
I really hate crying or holy >-bleeped-< now sobbing...or maybe this is good?
Does this make any sense?
I'm really sorry to dump.
emma
Emma, I feel for you. I will offer my unsolicited and not-worth-much opinion that crying isn't strange at all. Your entire life is being upended, your long-term marriage is at risk, you face a hard road ahead in terms of treatments, expenses, etc., and I'm sure you have regrets for what might have been. Becoming Emma will not come without costs in a number of ways, and that's all worth more than a few tears. But crying won't kill you, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or so I've heard. I hope you flush some of this out of your psyche and feel better tomorrow. Virtual hugs to you.
Emma do what you need to do, just let us know you are OK every so often if you step away for a bit.
Thanks Kim, Randim and all
Everyone has moments when they need to be alone. Came back when you ready :)
Emma,
Get away from it for a bit. Calm your mind. In the long run, you are gonna be okay!
Love,
Moni
Dear All:
I am going to be on a dive boat for the next two weeks and there is virtually no internet. Good news for you all that I won't subject you to my emotional outbursts ;) :)
Unfortunately, like the quote from the movie PAPILLON, "There is no escape from Devils Island." , I will be thinking about all of this most of the time.
I was mulling the pain our secret has been all our lives and pulled the following together and thought I would share:
We all have secrets. Some are small, some are big and some are huge. Ours is gigantic.
The number-one reason people keep secrets or lie is to "keep the peace." We hold onto secrets to keep other people happy, safe, set in their vision of the world, and in their vision of us. "Lies" are the sturdiest walls that we humans erect within and around ourselves, thereby keeping ourselves trapped and wrapped in a wide range of limitations.
Shame, fear of embarrassment or fear of not being accepted often are the motivation behind keeping something secret.
According to Scientific American: "It hurts to keep secrets. Secrecy is associated with lower well-being, worse health, and less satisfying relationships. Research has linked secrecy to increased anxiety, depression, symptoms of poor health, and even the more rapid progression of disease. There is a seemingly obvious explanation for these harms: Hiding secrets is hard work. You have to watch what you say. If asked about something related to the secret, you must be careful not to slip up. This could require evasion or even deception. Constant vigilance and concealment can be exhausting.
New research, however, suggests that the harm of secrets doesn't really come from the hiding after all. The real problem with keeping a secret is not that you have to hide it, but that you have to live with it, and think about it.
The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology actually has come up with a magic number of secrets nearly everyone is keeping. The magic number is 13. And although all 13 secrets aren't 100% unconfessed, the average person is living with 5 secrets that NO ONE knows!
The Atlantic reported: "Previous research has shown that keeping secrets is linked to lower well-being. It was thought that the reason is just that many of our secrets are negative, and thinking about negative things is a bummer. That's probably true (though it's worth noting that positive secrets, like surprises, likely work differently), but this study found another reason, one more specific to secrecy: Thinking of secrets means thinking of things you aren't being open and honest about in your relationships, which makes people feel less authentic."
My problem is nailed by the following:
"It can be unhealthy to reveal certain parts of ourselves if there are people close to us that would be very unaccepting of it, because of the pain and the separation that that would cause to reveal that." But the main message in many of these scenarios is that you should weigh the consequences -- both to you and someone else. Think about whom you tell, how that person will react and whether you will both be better off." https://www.cnn.com/2012/11/05/health/secrets-psychology/index.html
I keep weighing and weighing the consequences. I keep looking for a way out. There is only one and I need to follow it but I hate it with all my being and heart...but not enough to stop.
You are right Kim I am by the edge of a pool of water except I am on a cliff and there are rocks in the water below. I need to time the "waves" right.
Talk to you all soon, love,
Emma
Emma,
I hope you can enjoy your time on the dive boat. Clear your head. Think of something different and have some fun. Figuring out this issue doesn't need 24/7 attention and with a good distraction, maybe you can allow yourself a mental break from it. Have fun, Hon!
Moni
I agree with Moni (what else is new? ) glad you are up and around Moni.
I think this trip will do you some good. Take most of it to forget about this stuff. You can start your thought process again when the trip nears its end.
I assume you will check in here once or twice before you leave. I invite you to read at least the opening post of my topic the joys of not passing. I wish every pre-transitioner would read it. This life is so much easier once you get here. Getting here is the tough part.
Have a wonderful trip. Be safe.
I leave tomorrow. I agree I need to clear my head. Thank you Moni and Kim for your thoughts.
Kim I have already read your entire thread about the joy of not passing and even commented on the first page. Your photos were great, by the way.
I didn't want to added any comments to your thread. You, Zoey and Allie captured it all. I have already decided that I cannot be trapped or held captive by my wife's fears, I need to get past my own fears to live. Her fears are the "rocks" I alluded to in my "cliff dive".
I hope we can jump together, enjoy the exciting ride down and splash down safely together.
I'll be back when I can.
Hugs again,
Emma
I leave in a couple of hours but my thoughts never stop. Again I wrote something for me and I felt the need to share. I wrote this for others in my life. I hope you find it is useful:
The Pain
The pain of being transgender is almost indescribable.
The loneliness, the sadness, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the fear of discovery, the absolute human anguish, all trapped inside your head... and no one in your life has a clue.
It gets compounded by the lack of sympathy, compassion, understanding and comfort from others, the fear of anyone knowing, the fear of being seen as a freak, the fear of rejection.
It has been part of you for years, for decades. It is lived every day, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, minute by painful minute.
You started to learn how to hide your secret from when you were only child. You felt the "
natural you" and you tried to simply live it. You were told it was wrong and you were regularly corrected. Everyone and everything around you told you what you should be. You were confused but you learned.
You learned that your feelings and sense of self were wrong. You learned to hide those feelings, those thoughts. They were bad. As a child what did you know? Mom, Dad, the older kids, they all knew better. You learned from them.
Your skill grew with time and experience. Everyone around you drove you to improve your skill in hiding. They were not allowed to know your secret because you learned quickly that they hated what you were hiding.
They were the enemy. They proved it time and time again. They were your parents, friends, family, spouses and children. They were the media, religious and political groups and society around you, on a global scale. You had a "disease" that no one wanted to understand and everyone seemed to hate.
You let no one in.
You were perpetually behind enemy lines.
Over time you became so skilled that hiding became second nature. You learned to cover your emotional tracks. No one saw you or knew you were there. They saw what you wanted them to see, knowing at all times they would never accept you.
You hid to prevent being an outcast. You wanted to just be accepted so you became what they wanted.
You found safe ways to take care of your inner self but even then, you were mean and cruel to yourself. You rejected what you saw. You saw your own disgust reflected in the mirror every time you looked.
You hated being you.
On and on this goes on for years. On and on you build a wall that excludes a part of your heart, a part of your soul.
It is exhausting, draining, soul crushing.
The exhaustion grows. You start to lose the strength you thought you could carry to the grave.
You just can't do it anymore.
The strain and the pain become enormous. You try to find a solution, a way to escape the growing pain that comes with the emotional fatigue.
As you heroically try to keep up the wall in your emotional realities, you begin to realize that you can't. You see your failure coming...
and you are all alone in your crowded life.
You finally come to the point of a life altering moment offering two choices.
But you reject both.
You continue to desperately struggle and push back again, again and again. You refuse to accept but you feel the deep, deep agony driving you forward to the choice:
Either open up you heart and soul to the world and accept what will come or die.I would rather open up my heart and soul. The world will have to accept.
A massive, tearful hug,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 06, 2019, 11:17:05 AM
I leave in a couple of hours but my thoughts never stop. Again I wrote something for me and I felt the need to share. I wrote this for others in my life. I hope you find it is useful:
The Pain
The pain of being transgender is almost indescribable.
The loneliness, the sadness, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the fear of discovery, the absolute human anguish, all trapped inside your head... and no one in your life has a clue.
It gets compounded by the lack of sympathy, compassion, understanding and comfort from others, the fear of anyone knowing, the fear of being seen as a freak, the fear of rejection.
It has been part of you for years, for decades. It is lived every day, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, minute by painful minute.
You started to learn how to hide your secret from when you were only child. You felt the "natural you" and you tried to simply live it. You were told it was wrong and you were regularly corrected. Everyone and everything around you told you what you should be. You were confused but you learned.
You learned that your feelings and sense of self were wrong. You learned to hide those feelings, those thoughts. They were bad. As a child what did you know? Mom, Dad, the older kids, they all knew better. You learned from them.
Your skill grew with time and experience. Everyone around you drove you to improve your skill in hiding. They were not allowed to know your secret because you learned quickly that they hated what you were hiding.
They were the enemy. They proved it time and time again. They were your parents, friends, family, spouses and children. They were the media, religious and political groups and society around you, on a global scale. You had a "disease" that no one wanted to understand and everyone seemed to hate.
You let no one in.
You were perpetually behind enemy lines.
Over time you became so skilled that hiding became second nature. You learned to cover your emotional tracks. No one saw you or knew you were there. They saw what you wanted them to see, knowing at all times they would never accept you.
You hid to prevent being an outcast. You wanted to just be accepted so you became what they wanted.
You found safe ways to take care of your inner self but even then, you were mean and cruel to yourself. You rejected what you saw. You saw your own disgust reflected in the mirror every time you looked.
You hated being you.
On and on this goes on for years. On and on you build a wall that excludes a part of your heart, a part of your soul.
It is exhausting, draining, soul crushing.
The exhaustion grows. You start to lose the strength you thought you could carry to the grave.
You just can't do it anymore.
The strain and the pain become enormous. You try to find a solution, a way to escape the growing pain that comes with the emotional fatigue.
As you heroically try to keep up the wall in your emotional realities, you begin to realize that you can't. You see your failure coming... and you are all alone in your crowded life.
You finally come to the point of a life altering moment offering two choices.
But you reject both.
You continue to desperately struggle and push back again, again and again. You refuse to accept but you feel the deep, deep agony driving you forward to the choice:
Either open up you heart and soul to the world and accept what will come or die.
I would rather open up my heart and soul.
The world will have to accept.
A massive, tearful hug,
Emma
So, so true,
Tears, Kirsten.
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Quote from: Emma1017 on May 06, 2019, 11:17:05 AM
I leave in a couple of hours but my thoughts never stop. Again I wrote something for me and I felt the need to share. I wrote this for others in my life. I hope you find it is useful:
The Pain
Emma
That was awesome Emma, you just described my life to a T 😊
Thank you so much for posting The Pain.
Paige 😊
Dear Paige, Kirsten and All:
I needed to write something as close to the pain I feel and have felt all my life as I could. I am glad that it means something to you all.
I have been grappling with how to explain my "choice", such as it is, to my wife and anyone else who may see my choice as selfish or possibly frivolous.
I want this taken extremely serious. I want it treated as the cancer on my soul that it is and I want respect for the choice I need to make.
This is not a game. I don't want to be patronized or pitied. All I want is an honest attempt by those I care for to begin to understand and some day accept me as me.
Kim, Moni, Jessica, Danielle, Liz and everyone else who have stepped up, have shown me that I have a chance for that kind of happiness and I thank them for their courage and for helping me find mine.
Hugs,
Emma
Oh Sweetie, the cancer on your soul is the fear. I look forward to the day that your true self can be seen and respected by all. It will only be the fools who don't appreciate what you have to offer.
Moni
Ah Moni I am waiting to taxi but I had to say thanks. Big hug, Emma
Quote from: Kylo on February 15, 2017, 05:31:01 pm
"Know thyself"
When you know yourself as well as I do you know when you've been down every avenue and seen it doesn't go anywhere but Dysphoria Street or Misery Blvd. or Don't Fit In Plaza. Might as well try the mystery door in the wall.
Unquote.
Hi Emma this was my snippet my reply to Kylo a day ago. I do know the grappling & the self acceptance & the acceptance of loved ones does mean a lot, from me ( Kirsten ),
My quote,
As a child I could get away with acting like a girl.
In my 40s I discovered I didnt really know myself. I had an entire side of me I kept locked in a box for a long time.
I ended up facing my young self again and the unfinished buisiness that got stowed away in 1982.
I am still coming to terms with my whole self every day. I seem to be transitioning on autopilot.
I wish I had your ability to be authentic from the very beginning, Kylo.
Emma,
Yes we learn very early how to NOT be ourselves and pay the price later in life. There is much hope and light at the end of the tunnel though.
Big Yobbo hugs, Kirsten.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 06, 2019, 03:11:11 PM
Dear Paige, Kirsten and All:
I needed to write something as close to the pain I feel and have felt all my life as I could. I am glad that it means something to you all.
I have been grappling with how to explain my "choice", such as it is, to my wife and anyone else who may see my choice as selfish or possibly frivolous.
I want this taken extremely serious. I want it treated as the cancer on my soul that it is and I want respect for the choice I need to make.
This is not a game. I don't want to be patronized or pitied. All I want is an honest attempt by those I care for to begin to understand and some day accept me as me.
Kim, Moni, Jessica, Danielle, Liz and everyone else who have stepped up, have shown me that I have a chance for that kind of happiness and I thank them for their courage and for helping me find mine.
Hugs,
Emma
Thank god for the girls who made it through and can pass on the valuable tips& advice. Kirsten x.
Hi Emma,
Have you thought about posting "The Pain" on its own thread. Being in a long thread, I'm guessing many members at Susan's might miss it. I shared it with a transgender friend, who like us is struggling to come out to the world. She thought it was excellent too.
Take care,
Paige :)
Hi Emma - what you wrote articulately captures what I have felt my entire life. Thank you.
I hope that your time diving will bring you some much needed refreshing. Sailing and diving are 2 activities that re-energize me. As I'm still recovering from cycling injuries in January. I can do neither.
Again, thanks for expressing what, I'm sure, many of us feel.
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I'm in port for the day and noticed the reactions my separate post caused and I didn't want to redirect the reactions. I feel that everyone should have their own reactions. Its so personal.
Here I can talk about myself ;D
I wrote it to be cathartic. I am hoping to move my emotions to the positive part of my life and to purge the pain. I said earlier in this thread that the next year is going to be a doozy for me...I am hoping in a very positive way.
Hugs,
Emma
Yes. It will be a doozy. I know you have some hurdles ahead. I appreciate your cathartic posts. They are real, and articulate what many of us share. Your positive side breaks through clearly too. My therapist keeps focussing me and my wife on the now. It brings me a calm I have never known before. I am enjoying the day to day discovery this brings. I know it will all work out for the best. I think for for you too. We paid in pain for our happiness! No regrets now.
Hugs always
Gina
My goal Gina is to break through and find the joy. I absolutely know it's there. :)
Emma, the joy is there. And more pain will come too but not the kind of pain you have been enduring. The upcoming pain will be with a purpose and will yield results.
Enjoy the diving. Only snorkled myself near Maui ( Molokini or Molakai) IDK but the fish swimming around you is so cool.
I know what you are doing is far more advanced stuff but enjoy and be safe.
I am so confused. I am a guy with guys. Who am I????
I am scuba diving and being me but I am a guy. Where is Emma in all this? I really hate not having just one of me. Who will just make me happy? This is not a good place to be. Self hate just doesn't work. I really need to find some peace.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 14, 2019, 06:00:56 PM
I am so confused. I am a guy with guys. Who am I????
I am scuba diving and being me but I am a guy. Where is Emma in all this? I really hate not having just one of me. Who will just make me happy? This is not a good place to be. Self hate just doesn't work. I really need to find some peace.
Emma, listen to your emotions that you have while being in guy mode. Use it to figure things out. You are learning as you do this. If you are really uncomfortable, see the bright side of seeing what that means to you. If ithelped to clarify things, even feeing uncomfortable can be a plus.
I started to type my reply 5 minutes before Moni posted. Then an old friend of mine called and told me her problems for one hour and 25 minutes. ::) I don't think she took a breath. I love to help but none of it was that tragic. I wanted to pull my hair out. :D
Anyhoo.....
Emma I am so glad you shared these feelings and here is why. I just had a fantastic conversation with my therapist about this exact topic and I have found resolution for myself. Hopefully the thoughts I am about to share will put you on a similar path.
We lived a long life as men. Or at least living as men but knowing we are women. Not every minute of everyday was miserable. We adapted, we found our place best we could and in those experiences we actually enjoyed some of it.
Much of the 'male bonding' for me was an act but not entirely. Sometimes I enjoyed it. We all want to be liked, accepted and part of a group. Also some of those activities are fun. I am sure you love diving. You are doing it with good friends. What's not to like?
But here is the lesson I learned. It does not define you. I will explain.
I gave Tera (my therapist) some examples. I discussed driving in my car jamming to some AC/DC on a gorgeous day and I had flashbacks to my old self. Then I talked about how I was recently invited to play on a co-ed softball team at my office. I told her I used to be a big hitter. I batted clean up and could really 'jack' the ball. I loved it for years.
I was proud of my talent. It was very masculine and male bonding. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I told Tera it seems weird, most of the time I feel female but sometimes the male pieces of who I am come through.
She suggested to me, think of the local U of M women's softball team. Is their big hitter less female? Of course not.
Here is the very simple point that she then made that really hit home and helped me find my peace on this topic.
Tera said, Kim you love to hit home runs, you are good at it. You also love to do your nails, you are very good at that too. (yes I am if I do say so myself ;D so do lots of women :) ) Both of those things are YOU
Kim is one person, a softball home run hitter and someone that can do a beautiful manicure. They are both the same person.
For some reason that really sunk in. We do not have to be defined my narrow pigeon holing ideas of - men do these things and women do these things. That is ridiculous. Let's take this to an extreme. If we are going to be women in the 'stereotypical' sense we should all be at home wearing an apron baking cookies and looking like Donna Reed :D
The younger ones reading can look up Donna Reed LOL
I always say I don't know everything about this journey - because I don't - I still have my own issues......
but I can say in complete honesty Emma that I saw this coming for you as soon as you mentioned this trip. I KNEW it
was going to happen. I didn't say anything because I thought you should live it and also the slight chance I was wrong.
This is a learning experience. You are Emma. Emma is the same person that loves to dive with her buddies and the same one that loves the way she feels in the picture that you post, un- post, post, un-post (just teasing you :) )
It's all you. It is only confusing if you let it be. I always tell you girls my therapist is a rock star. She proved it again.
I am puzzled by your post. Do you mean that you don't feel dysphoria or that you're comfortable in the male role. The reason I ask is that your wording suggest bigender or gender fluid instead of the binary. Having your gender identity change from time to time can be very difficult to deal with and coming from a binary world, it can be quite confusing.
Quote from: Dena on May 14, 2019, 10:51:59 PM
I am puzzled by your post. Do you mean that you don't feel dysphoria or that you're comfortable in the male role. The reason I ask is that your wording suggest bigender or gender fluid instead of the binary. Having your gender identity change from time to time can be very difficult to deal with and coming from a binary world, it can be quite confusing.
No I wouldn't call myself gender fluid or non binary. What I am trying to describe, maybe inadequately, is that feelings, preferences, things we enjoy that typically fall into a gender stereotype are not in fact related to gender.
For example my softball / manicure example - neither of those activities define us in and of themselves to a gender.
Some women love to ride motorcycles, are they not 'woman enough'? Emma loves diving and enjoys doing it with long time diving partners. That does not mean she is a man.
My point is that everyone's personality and preferences and forms of enjoyment run a large spectrum. We are who we know we are and that is not defined by the activities that we enjoy.
Quote from: Dena on May 14, 2019, 10:51:59 PM
I am puzzled by your post. Do you mean that you don't feel dysphoria or that you're comfortable in the male role. The reason I ask is that your wording suggest bigender or gender fluid instead of the binary. Having your gender identity change from time to time can be very difficult to deal with and coming from a binary world, it can be quite confusing.
I am pretty Ok comfortable in a male role, I prefer a female, but if I need to do stuff that is done better by men (the mensplaning thing can be avoided this way), I go as a male. I was the last three days in a male role, and it did not bother me at all.
I thought that I was some way gender fluid, and I discussed this with my therapist. She said one is only gender fluid if one feels the urge to be either or the other gender at certain times. She is of the opinion that I am doing nothing different than dressing up for Halloween or something like this! I have a solid purpose to be a men, and not the desire to be one! The desire would make me gender fluid.
I intended the post to apply to the OP as that was the topic of discussion.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 14, 2019, 06:00:56 PM
I am so confused. I am a guy with guys. Who am I????
I am scuba diving and being me but I am a guy. Where is Emma in all this? I really hate not having just one of me. Who will just make me happy? This is not a good place to be. Self hate just doesn't work. I really need to find some peace.
Maybe I'm misinterpreting what you're saying. I'm ggettingthat you're enjoying the trip and seem ok with being one of the guys. But it might be something to consider that enjoying your trip doesn't have anything to go with your gender.
There were a lot of things I liked doing and I easily fit in as one of the guys while doing them. Hindsight tells me it was because I liked the activity, and mostly focusing on that would keep any thoughts about my gender issues in the background.
Part of figuring out that I could actually transition was realizing I could still do anything that I previously thought of as "guy stuff". Example; last weekend I went on a a golf weekend with my brother and 2 friends. It was the 4th year in a row we've done this trip, 2nd after I came out. Nothing has changed except my wardrobe.
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Quote from: Dena on May 15, 2019, 09:21:35 PM
I intended the post to apply to the OP as that was the topic of discussion.
I understand, but I wanted just to mention that being able to be a male is not always gender fluid! And I used my situation as an example for this.
Quote from: Dena on May 15, 2019, 09:21:35 PM
I intended the post to apply to the OP as that was the topic of discussion.
Oops sorry Dena, I thought it was a response to my post.
Quote from: TonyaW on May 15, 2019, 10:56:17 PM
Maybe I'm misinterpreting what you're saying. I'm ggettingthat you're enjoying the trip and seem ok with being one of the guys. But it might be something to consider that enjoying your trip doesn't have anything to go with your gender.
There were a lot of things I liked doing and I easily fit in as one of the guys while doing them. Hindsight tells me it was because I liked the activity, and mostly focusing on that would keep any thoughts about my gender issues in the background.
Part of figuring out that I could actually transition was realizing I could still do anything that I previously thought of as "guy stuff". Example; last weekend I went on a a golf weekend with my brother and 2 friends. It was the 4th year in a row we've done this trip, 2nd after I came out. Nothing has changed except my wardrobe.
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I agree. Enjoying 'guy stuff' even with the guys does not make someone male. Plenty of women like doing 'guy stuff' with male friends.
All of the gender stereotyping that we have absorbed our entire lives is ridiculous. We like what we like and we are who we are. It really is that simple but it takes a lot of agonizing and thinking and other lousy stuff until we can figure out that it really is far less complicated than we make it.
And THAT ladies.... is my Zen philosophy for the day. :D ;D
Quote from: KimOct on May 16, 2019, 10:36:43 PM
Oops sorry Dena, I thought it was a response to my post.
I agree. Enjoying 'guy stuff' even with the guys does not make someone male. Plenty of women like doing 'guy stuff' with male friends.
All of the gender stereotyping that we have absorbed our entire lives is ridiculous. We like what we like and we are who we are. It really is that simple but it takes a lot of agonizing and thinking and other lousy stuff until we can figure out that it really is far less complicated than we make it.
And THAT ladies.... is my Zen philosophy for the day. :D ;D
Right on Kim. We talked about this at our gender support meeting last night. Many of us conclude that there are about 8 billion genders or individuals with unique gender expressions. There is no guy only stuff but there is your stuff and my stuff and we can share, mix and match as we see fit. We allow ourselves these freedoms and exercise them as we expand on the tired old definitions that once kept us in closets and chains.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 14, 2019, 06:00:56 PM
I am scuba diving and being me but I am a guy. Where is Emma in all this?
Emma is scuba diving, hon!
Don't let people pigeon-hole your identity so that only guys do some things and only girls do others. You don't have to give up your interests and hobbies just because you are a woman. And just because you enjoyed them when you thought you were a guy doesn't mean that you have to go back to pretending you are a guy when you do them.
Kathy can operate heavy machinery; she can run a sound and light console; she can do electrical wiring. She can also play music, appreciate fine art, and look pretty. (Well, okay, still working on that last one, but I can try.)
You can do anything you want and still be Emma. You have earned the right.
Emma I assume you will be returning home in the next few days. Please consider the recent posts in your topic. Notice a theme? We did not learn this overnight. It took time. We all have a lifetime of stupid stuff we have learned that needs to be un-learned.
My new concern for you is that you are going to come home very confused. You are having a great time doing something you enjoy with people you enjoy. From reading your brief post when you were in port or wherever it was you had access made me think - she is going to come home more confused.
I hope my assumptions are totally off base. I would love to be wrong.
You have spent a long time here generously sharing your pain, your joys of briefly experiencing who you are and asking intelligent questions. The things you have been doing are not the actions of someone that is cis gender.
Sorry I am playing PhD on the internet this time not MD. ( Moni ???? )
But that is my amateur analysis.
Read the posts above and then read them again.
I am not recruiting you to transition. I am pushing you to find your best path whatever that may be.
What, what... I heard my name! I experienced the dichotomy of male v female (stereotype) approach yesterday. I talked to a young, macho guy. He spoke of a time that he had a bit of drink and got very expressive about his brother who had died. You could just see the shame and embarrassment all over him that he let out his emotions. Sadly it took alcohol to get there. I told him that there was nothing to be ashamed of, that it was obvious that he had much love for his brother. Last night we had six woman sitting around talking about our lives, our joys and sorrows and it flowed so naturally. These differences are many times a reality. We have been brought up this way. I think of myself as more free now though. I could still go with friends, male or female and do traditional "male" activities if I want. The key would be, I will be viewed as female by that group and it is super validating. I don't know, there are so many things I haven't done as a female yet. I would like to go zip lining again. It would be even better this time having some hot young guy strapping me into my harness with a bit of a different attitude than "Here fella, hold on there, ugha ugha, where are the women to strap in?" (Is it getting hot in here ?) Life is so much better being the real you. (with hot guys around heehee)
Emma we miss you! I really hope you come back refreshed. You are allowed to be a bit waterlogged.
even better this time having some hot young guy strapping me into my harness
You know Moni, there are sites that discuss that stuff in detail. ;D :D ( I crack myself up )
Where?
:D
OK I am back and have more time to make my personal point clearer after that sloppy statement I made earlier. Sorry for being misleading.
I was never suggesting that women can't dive, climb mountains, rebuild a transmission or drive a tractor. I have seen enough women do that and more, better in some cases than any man I know.
I was on a professional salvage dive with some very heavy testosterone. I like who I am as Emma but I also like the guy that I am. That is what happened on the dive. I really liked being a guy and forgot Emma (most of the time).
I keep verbalizing my confusion as I continue to process. I have finally accepted that I am transgender...but there are two parts to me with a wall dividing each of the pieces. My goal is to tear down the wall further, removing it entirely and then put the two pieces together.
Separately my wife came and met me after the dive for a few days vacation. We had a great time together. No Kim I didn't force "the conversation" :). I still believe that the other "wall", the one between she and Emma, will continue to softly erode. She is no longer threatened by me taking HRT. Now it is a question of how to increase her acceptance.
Look how long it took me!
Kim you made a comment earlier that continues to really resonate with me (go figure :)):
"The things you have been doing are not the actions of someone that is cis gender."
It made me laugh and really confront reality. What guy would go for facial electrolysis??? Forget about the make up, dress shopping, voice lessons, how about even talking about cutting off their genitals???
There was no hiding from the clear reality of that point! Emma stuck her tongue out at me and has razzed me for days on that point....thanks ;). It was like going out for a night of beers with you and Moni... :o
I keep saying this, it should be an interesting year for me.
I hope you are all doing well.
Hugs,
Emma
I read your posts and sooooo, understand this. Your wife and family mean everything. I get this. It's like you just want to put the Emma side back in the box and store it at the bottom of the ocean on one of your dives. Unfortunately if your like me Emma would just float back up on you anyway. It really sucks to have to hurt people around you so you can try and stop the pain you have had for years. Not sure if when you are with THEGUYS it's easy to just put on the act or if it's just a great distraction, maybe it's both. I have become an amazing actor over the years. I can always play the part, keep myself distracted long enough to continue on. Until I can't. You are not alone, I wish you all the best in your daily life and with your wife. Hopefully you can find a way to bridge your 2 worlds and become truly happy. Hang in there. Huge hug to you Emma.
Alright you 'mugs' the sheriff is back in town. Kim, get your poker face on! The rest of you, straighten your bussles.
Hi Emma, I've been keeping everyone on the straight and narrow for you while you were gone. ::) ::) ::) Emma, beers? No, 'mudslides' for my fav.
I have one super important question (important for my little brain anyway). Did you simply enjoy the things you did while in guy mode? Or was it more you enjoying doing things being a guy. Did you enjoy being regarded as a guy? To me, I would enjoy the activity, maybe enjoy seeing my ability being appreciated, but I would be uncomfortable being seen as the guy. Given the exact same events, it would be so much sweeter to do it all as a woman. (My feelings as a point of reference.)
Welcome Stepheewt. You have a good point. I wonder if she would really enjoy drowning the Emma part for any reason other than to save her partner's feelings. Glad you are here, Hon!
I'm now walking away. I'm gonna go do some other things. Voice getting quieter and more far off. Suddenly, "Hey did you hear, Emma's back!" (And the crowd goes wild.)
Happy Moni,
HI! (I'm waving) thanks for the welcome. You are extreamly funny. I love it. I need a good smile from time to time. Now I know where to go and find one. And yes Mudslides rule. I love fruity sweet drinks. Of course I was always told that kind of thing is for the girls. :o......wait foreshadowing
We're they just being jerks or were those idiots maybe on to something. Hmmmmmmm...... Does a strawberry Daquiri taste better while wearing my bra. Nope.... Just tastes good whoever I am. Either way good to meet you.
I did like being a guy Moni (I guess I'm buying the drinks... ;D) but I know its not who I really am or who I should be.
Stephee I don't feel like: "It's like you just want to put the Emma side back in the box and store it at the bottom of the ocean on one of your dives." I really feel the joy of being Emma (Yes Kim the same smiling Emma in the photos that I post, unpost, post and unpost...).
I read this quote today:
"It's wrong when people say, oh, you've always wanted to be female. I've spent my life wanting and trying to be male."
...but I have heard this one before as well:
"I am not trying to be a woman, I have always been one."
Is it really just a shade of perspective saying essentially the same thing?
I think so depending on my day.
Hugs,
Emma
Emma,
I agree with you. I find while as Stephee I'm the most happy. Sometimes the most frightened, but for years I wanted to just hide her away in the back closet. Till suddenly I realized I have been her acting as my male self for years just so no one can see through the mask. I've always been her. (Great a breakthrough and Now what do I do...right) love that quote. Very true. Glad you had a great time on your dive.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 19, 2019, 08:31:30 AM
I was never suggesting that women can't dive, climb mountains, rebuild a transmission or drive a tractor. I have seen enough women do that and more, better in some cases than any man I know.
I was on a professional salvage dive with some very heavy testosterone. I like who I am as Emma but I also like the guy that I am. That is what happened on the dive. I really liked being a guy and forgot Emma (most of the time).
I didn't take your post as meaning that women can't do those things, just recognized the wall you put up as I had done the same. It was realizing that, not women in general, but I, asTonya, could do the things on the male side of the wall that helped me to tear it down.
As to the second part I quoted, I had that same feelings playing softball with the guys and basketball in my younger days. I enjoyed not just the activity but the camaraderie or whatever also. I was easily able to push Tonya way back into the closet at those times.
After my dad purposely deadnamed and misgendered me on my birthday card last June, one of the things I told him was that I didn't always hate being <deadname>, but it just wasn't who I am.
Hope this isn't not coming off as trying to push you out of the closet, you need to that when or if you're ready.
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Tonya I think you may have found my missing linkage!
It's the camaraderie.
I have always loved the camaraderie but it was with women that I love it the most. The problem has been, as a guy I was always the outsider and I have ALWAYS wanted to be an insider.
Chuckling I just realized that I would rather spend a day in Sephora than a day of diving...(cue Emma laughing in the background...)
Maybe that is what I meant by "being one of the guys"...I'm just on the wrong team ;D.
Time to switch teams....?
OK Kim I'll put my team "jersey" back on... :)
Hugs,
Emma
Thank you Stephee for your kind words. You do seem to fit in here pretty well, I think.
Emma, as I look back at my time of wrestling with which direction to go in my life, male was tolerable at times. I seemed to fit in with guys okay, but it never made me feel whole. Over and over I tried to make me be one complete person as a guy. Monica would always come raging back and it made my life miserable. I was ashamed of wanting to be her and yet could never dislike anything about being her. Being Moni full time was no sure thing. I had no idea it would work. Fortunately, it was my answer. I miss nothing about being male. It is overwhelmingly who I am, even if I had some good times as male. I think you are unable to sink Emma just as I was Monica. Question is, is Emma your answer? For me, it was full time Moni. Nothing less would do. I get the feeling that this is what you are thinking, but there is no rule says we have to be one gender 100% of the time. I do think actual experiences will tell you a lot. If you imagined being out on that boat as Emma, everyone treating you with respect, but treating you as a female, would that seem really cool, or would it diminish the experience for you? (Stephee if you are still here, I'm not only a wise ass but I pester Emma with too many questions. Don't hit me again Emma!) I think you either will feel very uncomfortable or really like when you are actually in a situation where people see you as female. It will tell you sooooo much. Me, I love being in the world interacting with people seeing me as female. Especially true with men! (Sorry, I'm such a 'Ho!' lol)
I am happy to hear that your partner is seeming to relax more. I know this is your biggest concern.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 19, 2019, 11:16:19 AM
I have always loved the camaraderie but it was with women that I love it the most. The problem has been, as a guy I was always the outsider and I have ALWAYS wanted to be an insider.
I love this quote....wanting to be an insider is the key. And then next ...let me be accepted in as just another in the bunch. Good stuff.
Stephee I agree, I want female acceptance. I know from everyone that has been part of my thread here that acceptance by most women will be the easiest of all the challenges and that makes me very happy.
Moni I would love to show up at the dive boat in a two piece bathing suit that actually fit. I would video the reactions and guarantee that I couldn't safely stay on board... ;D It speaks to their desperation not my looks ;), so the answer is I will "really like when I am actually in a situation where people see me as female."
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 19, 2019, 06:25:07 PM
S, so the answer is I will "really like when I am actually in a situation where people see me as female."
I do!
Sorry I missed the welcome back party !! I had to stay overtime dealing cards to the degenerates. HI EMMA !!
You seemed less confused than I expected which is GREAT !! I think it is very easy to conflate the camaraderie that was talked about earlier with being one of the guys. We all want to be accepted and part of the group. The women didn't think of us as in their group when we lived as guys so we went where we were accepted.
I remember the testosterone male bonding of some hardcore snowmobile trips I used to go on. We would mount up on our snowmobiles ( called sleds by us cool kids ) and fire up those engines and go screaming across the frozen lakes at 100 mph from one bar to the next. Incredibly fun and dangerous. And then we would dismount like conquering heroes and swagger into the next place. It was a blast.
A big part of it being a blast was the camaraderie, that was the thing. From those of us that are living 24/7 now it does translate. Not all women see me as a woman but many do. And even the ones that don't I can tell things have shifted. They treat me differently and more like one of them than before.
I still like hanging out with my guy friends and sometimes slip into the guy vernacular a little more just to make them comfortable ( and to be honest to show I am still the same person ) but I really think at the end of the day it is just part of wanting to be included and wanted. Like the old "Cheers" TV show theme song - 'where everybody knows your name". When you live as a woman then you become one of them too. Maybe not a charter member LOL but a member nonetheless.
PS Now leave that picture up there !!!! :D :D It makes you happy!! And it is the real you.
Compare my profile pic to my pics in my 'joys of not passing thread'. Not exactly the same. So your profile pic is very flattering .... so what? It is still you. And some members even use face app pics. I happen to like my face app pics.
I can tell it is me but an improved me. Anyhoo..... stop being so hard on yourself and LEAVE THE PIC !!!!!! :)
OK Kim I'll leave the avatar photo!!!!!
On a different note, I keep trying to ignore all the transition things I have put in motion as if they aren't real. I feel like I am going through the motions but there is still a wall between what is "real" and what is still a fantasy.
Now when I try to deny and challenge what I am doing for my transition I keep going back to your comment Kim:
"The things you have been doing are not the actions of someone that is cis gender."
This is a painfully long process!
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 20, 2019, 09:28:26 AM
I feel like I am going through the motions but there is still a wall between what is "real" and what is still a fantasy.
Sometimes it's easier to believe it's a fantasy when reality is to painful to face. Unfortunately as you go forward the lines are blurred. Male mode is harder to hide changes so you can keep both worlds. It's a tightrope walk. The only choice is keep walking it, fall off accidentally or just jump off on your own terms.
It continues to be surreal.
I still can't accept the reality of being transgender and transitioning even as I continue taking the steps. It's like sleep walking, you know you are doing it but you can't stop.
Honestly I don't want to stop but I keep fighting it anyway hoping to wake up.
I have fought it many times. I'm the Queen so to speak of the studder step move. I get going then back off. I'm the closest to being out then ever before. But I still hide in male mode for the world most of the time. Somehow being a guy who is overweight wearing a spans top helps to hide growth and changes. Long hair can easily be put back styled poorly and I'm a guy. (With a gal screaming to get out more)
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 20, 2019, 10:25:25 AM
It continues to be surreal.
I still can't accept the reality of being transgender and transitioning even as I continue taking the steps. It's like sleep walking, you know you are doing it but you can't stop.
Honestly I don't want to stop but I keep fighting it anyway hoping to wake up.
Hi Emma. Welcome back!
Yes it is surreal someties. I am feeling that day to day is normal. I fight it lome but I am letting go of that though. My wife is good at making me focus. Sounds. Like you are feeling better with yours. It is hard for wives to feel surreal too. Itis hard to accept us quickly. We go to therapytogether it really helps us both with that.
Hugs.
Gina
Thanks for the welcome back Gina. I needed the diversion.
Now that I am back the transition doubts return. This whole experience is just so frustrating!
Where is that magic wand when you need it?
"The things you have been doing are not the actions of someone that is cis gender."
Kim get out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
Well mine certainly aren't either. Doubts bubble up. I read things on here daily. I just can't deny it. My doubts are more about how I will look feel. My therapist says we only have today. A magic wand would be tempting. But I am trying to celebrate the journey. There is joy and love. Much of it here.
Somehow we will come out th other side. Lots to do between now and .....
Patience is the hardest thing for me. Iwaited so long.
Kim is relentless. Cis guys don't want HRT. I surrender to that.
Hugs
Great job keeping it positive Gina!
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 20, 2019, 06:26:49 PM
"The things you have been doing are not the actions of someone that is cis gender."
Kim get out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
Muhahahaha I'm living there :D
Ok so seriously, as I admit often I don't have this all figured out just parts of it, particularly living openly. So for one of the parts that I DON'T have figured out is my body dysphoria. I had a talk with my therapist about it last week. She calls it MY showdown. Our talk may be helpful for you.
I was explaining to her the fantasy that I had my entire life of being female and how my body just doesn't fit what I dreamed it to be. Far from it. She explained to me that sometimes we have to live in fantasy in order to survive.
It is a natural reaction to keep going on. She wants me to come to my next visit with some notes of how I had imagined myself.
The point I am making to you is that this was a fantasy for you for 63 years. Turning your mind around 180 degrees into this is reality is a big task. But the time is now. The rubber is hitting the road, we are down to brass tacks, poop or get off the pot... :D etc etc.
You know who you are. Do what you need to do.
New words for Emma's head, "Resistance is futile!" LOL Excuse my Star Trek nerdiness.
You ladies, and I say this with all respect, you ladies remind me of a bunch of teenage girls standing around the surreal swimming pool, dipping a toe in the water, feeling you need to get in but are afraid of that first rush of cold water. Kim and I are swimming around saying the water is great. She splashes water in my face. I say watch out, bitch! We both laugh. (Oh Moni stop with the tangents!) We think you'll have a great time, but can't tell you to get in until you decide to jump. Whoops, just snapped Kim's bikini top strap! Ahhhh!
I get it, it is hard to believe that you are contemplating this. I only tease because I've been where you are. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but if I had never jumped in, it would have been the biggest mistake I ever made. Like I was telling Kirsten, my son introduced me as his Mom this past weekend. It was an amazing moment in my life. I hope, that if moving forward is right for you, that you will control your life and you kick fear right in the ever loving chops. Hugs!
Stephee, nice to see you. :)
Happy Moni....nice to be seen without people gathering up pitchforks and torches.
But thank you. And yes the pool does look very inviting. It's that damn undercurrent that gets me (and worrying if that kid in the corner with the grin on his face forgot where the bathroom is)
Nope scary pool again..
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 20, 2019, 08:06:44 PM
New words for Emma's head, "Resistance is futile!" LOL Excuse my Star Trek nerdiness.
You ladies, and I say this with all respect, you ladies remind me of a bunch of teenage girls standing around the surreal swimming pool, dipping a toe in the water, feeling you need to get in but are afraid of that first rush of cold water. Kim and I are swimming around saying the water is great. She splashes water in my face. I say watch out, bitch! We both laugh. (Oh Moni stop with the tangents!) We think you'll have a great time, but can't tell you to get in until you decide to jump. Whoops, just snapped Kim's bikini top strap! Ahhhh!
I get it, it is hard to believe that you are contemplating this. I only tease because I've been where you are. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but if I had never jumped in, it would have been the biggest mistake I ever made. Like I was telling Kirsten, my son introduced me as his Mom this past weekend. It was an amazing moment in my life. I hope, that if moving forward is right for you, that you will control your life and you kick fear right in the ever loving chops. Hugs!
Stephee, nice to see you. :)
Moni is holding my head under the water !!!!!!! She probably just wants the lifeguard to jump in. >:-)
So here's the thing. In a different topic I started 'the decision' I went to great lengths to say this is not right for everyone. Different levels of gender dysphoria, different life goals, different priorities and of course spouses are a huge deal. And for some people the fear is too overwhelming. That is not wrong it is just the way it is.
So in this thread I have broken my self imposed rule by urging Emma to transition. I honestly think it is the first time in the 4 years I have participated in trans forums that I have done so. Why is Emma the lone exception? Because of the 54 pages of this thread following her journey. The feelings she has shared. IMHO I think it is the only path to happiness.
BUT this is not my life it is Emma's and whatever she does she has my respect and my friendship. This stuff is just my opinion so for those of you following I am not saying - ' go out and transition'.
What I do say to everyone else is if it is fear stopping you that can be conquered if it is important enough and if it is not important enough then that is OK. We all must choose our path. I am simply giving Emma my opinion but I am just some knucklehead on the internet. Emma is a bright, intelligent person. I will not sway her other than to give her food for thought. Besides I like living in her head the rent is free. :D
Moni leave that lifeguard alone !!!
Stepheewt welcome to the club. Having new people trying to figure out this path is what this is all about. It was me a few years ago.
Thanks Kim, I keep feeling like it some how might happen for me. Then the FEAR....big things like the WIFE.....KIDS.....just a lot to figure out. I can tell you I'm never more at peace than when I'm Stephee. The calm I feel on Estrogen is like nothing else. I'm just me. So the 2 worlds will continue to gain speed towards the game of chicken I'm stuck in the middle of.. So here I am at the pool again wading in the shallow end, afraid to step into deeper water or worse yet, get my hair wet.........
Wow Kim 54 pages! Am I wearing out my welcome?
I started this thread with the same resolve that I had when I started with my therapist, absolute honesty. I promised myself no more self lies, no more hiding how I feel and no more denial.
I promised after 62 years that I would hold nothing back. Thank you all for listening, supporting, sharing your thoughts and opinions and for opening up your hearts.
I am never alone now.
Kim, for your peace of mind, you can never talk me into transitioning, nor have you tried. You have shared your thoughts and experiences, for which I truly thank you. The decision has and always will be mine.
My intention has been for the last few months to transition...still not a done deal. I am pursuing every avenue to achieve that goal recognizing that there many road blocks along the way.
If I don't transition, it won't be for lack of trying, it will be because of an obstruction of such colossal size further along this journey that I never saw coming. If that happens I will be at peace because after 63 years I had a chance to be who I am. This journey, even now, has allowed me to understand who I am and to purge a lifetime of shame, denial and guilt. I truly have none now.
I am transgender and I am not only OK with it, I am proud to admit it.
I believe that I have brought the best of both genders together to be a much better person and that is really great.
Thank you for letting me drag you through 54 pages of my self discovery. I hope it has helped you has much as it has helped me.
We deserve it.
Hugs,
Emma
So nice to read this. Remember the motto? Unashamed and proud.!
Never had to be dragged to follow this. Your journey is compelling. And such great posts from so many who share so much. I too vowed no more denial. I am on the right path. I have run marathons, climbed big mountains. Transition ? Bring it on!
Ready to to dive into that pool, Moni! I love swimming.
Hugs
Gina
Yeah, yeah, I'll be right back. I need to go talk to my friends. Yeah, just a few minutes. Go put some suntan lotion on and stare at the water a bit, okay?
Oh, sorry ladies, was getting busy... I mean I was kind of busy! I thought of a very famous phrase that seems appropriate here. " There is nothing to fear but Kim herself!" Well, something like that!
I think this is a very good thread Emma. It is your story, but it resonates with others. We have most excellent people on here. Hot lifeguards! Genuine laughter and tears! I am hoping when it is made into a movie that my part is played by Jessica Alba. She's a dead ringer for me. ::) ::) ::)
Gina, I welcome you into the water happily. You did like the teenage girl reference didn't you? Just give me first crack at Lars. lol Or should I call him, 'Biff?'
I need a new suit. Unless we we skinny dip
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 21, 2019, 04:51:28 PM
I think this is a very good thread Emma. It is your story, but it resonates with others. We have most excellent people on here. Hot lifeguards! Genuine laughter and tears! I am hoping when it is made into a movie that my part is played by Jessica Alba. She's a dead ringer for me. ::) ::) ::)
Oooooooooo.....yeah movie roles now that's amazing. Jessica might need to up her game to pull you off in all your glory. Need someone hot to play Emma too, got that cute thing down. I however will end up as a extra on set, have to get some more posts on here to be written into the movie role. But hey it's a cool concept and on another note I finally got my eyebrows right today.
Small victory but when the make up is good I'm so happy.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 21, 2019, 08:04:33 AM
Wow Kim 54 pages! Am I wearing out my welcome?
Far from it the story is only half over. And when the story reaches its conclusion you will have to write the epilogue for those that are following on the path.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 21, 2019, 04:51:28 PM
Oh, sorry ladies, was getting busy... I mean I was kind of busy! I thought of a very famous phrase that seems appropriate here. " There is nothing to fear but Kim herself!" Well, something like that!
Now I really have arrived. :D I remember when B.T. was in her prime as a mentor. ( I promised not to use her full nickname anymore because it violates site rules. ) Anyhoo.... when B.T. was in her prime she truly lived up to her nickname. She was BAD. She would put the fear of God into people by calling them out on their BS and asking them tough questions. Hopefully I approach this with a little lighter hand than she did but I still buy into the theory that people that are fearful to move forward sometimes need a kick in the butt. I know I did. So I am merely passing that kick forward. ;D
OK in keeping with the spirit of this thread here is my six months on HRT update. I want to share because I know I wanted this kind of information before I started HRT.
The official team disclaimer is "your mileage may vary." (YMMV).
Physically:
-Breasts: Definitely larger with some shape (43" with a band measurement of 40"). They are regularly sore but
not crippling. They are becoming more mobile. I still man pass which will be critical for this summer for
me.
-Hair: No more and no less on my head...sigh/ My body hair is thinning and growing back slowly if I shave an area
-Strength: really no discernible change
-Skin: Definitely. It is so much softer. I love how it feels. I am a lot more aggressive with moisturizer now.
-Face: Really not sure. I think I see a slight change but I could just be getting older
-Senses: My food cravings have changed....M&M Peanuts!!! More wine and less beer. No other big changes.
Mental: I have heard many people talk about an increase in a sense of peace. I don't know that I feel that HRT has caused it by itself. I believe that my therapy and the verbalization on this thread plus HRT all got me to where I am right now, no shame, denial or guilt. I still have anger (not severe or dangerous anger). I think it's just frustration. I am trying to balance my need to transition with my need to deal with the rest of my life. I have this desire to scream "I am transgender and I am transitioning" while holding back because of legitimate (Yes Kim & Moni legitimate... :)) timing reasons.
I really wish there was a magic wand.
That's pretty much it. Any questions?
Hugs,
Emma
While you to & fro over transition keep up the HRT and express your feminine self organically as you see fit.
Yesterday I rode a womans bicycle from the airport where I work to home in the suburbs 7 miles away. Womans top with obvious breasts and a long flowing skirt and shoulder length blonde hair. I got double takes from traffic & fellow cyclists.
I still dont know if Im really trans.
While I was riding I was thinking is this really happening ?
While I agonise over transition I think I will take estrogen and present as a woman anyway !
Yours truly, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Hi Kirsten:
You constantly inspire me as we run this marathon together. You are setting a pace that I hope to catch up to.
I agree that this is a continuous and unstoppable process and I love the changes.
I promised myself that I won't go back to the barber to cut my hair any more. I will figure out a way to make the hair work (let it grow, wigs, extensions, transplants, etc).
I need to find more ways to express myself, to convince myself that I am externally female. It has to start at home and not doing it in secret like I have all my life. I need my wife to begin to see me as Emma if I am to move forward.
Deep Breath In:
I need to commit to get her to understand, accept and support my reality. I don't want tolerance and Emma is not
going away.
Deep Breath Out.
Just waiting for that wave to come in before I jump off that cliff. I see everyone waving from the water....
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 22, 2019, 07:54:59 AM
Hi Kirsten:
You constantly inspire me as we run this marathon together. You are setting a pace that I hope to catch up to.
I agree that this is a continuous and unstoppable process and I love the changes.
I promised myself that I won't go back to the barber to cut my hair any more. I will figure out a way to make the hair work (let it grow, wigs, extensions, transplants, etc).
I need to find more ways to express myself, to convince myself that I am externally female. It has to start at home and not doing it in secret like I have all my life. I need my wife to begin to see me as Emma if I am to move forward.
Deep Breath In:
I need to commit to get her to understand, accept and support my reality. I don't want tolerance and Emma is not
going away.
Deep Breath Out.
Just waiting for that wave to come in before I jump off that cliff. I see everyone waving from the water....
Hugs,
Emma
I wish I was in the water. Im terrified and on the edge. I want to be a bad trans like Kim !
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
If you are wearing skirts, riding women's bikes with long hair flowing...Maybe your not surfing the big waves with the bad-asses Kim & Moni but Kirsten you are definitely in the water.
I am still trying to find a bathing suit.... :)
You know what is hurting the most right now? I work in mid-town Manhattan and I am surrounded by well-dress women of all kinds and I keep hitting myself with the jealousy/sadness stick every day. I love the flow of their dresses, the style of their shoes and the casual femininity as they pass. I wish I had hair to flick off my neck. It causes my greatest sighs.
I keep saying "some day..."
now where's that bathing suit????
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 22, 2019, 08:20:56 AM
If you are wearing skirts, riding women's bikes with long hair flowing...Maybe your not surfing the big waves with the bad-asses Kim & Moni but Kirsten you are definitely in the water.
I am still trying to find a bathing suit.... :)
You know what is hurting the most right now? I work in mid-town Manhattan and I am surrounded by well-dress women of all kinds and I keep hitting myself with the jealousy/sadness stick every day. I love the flow of their dresses, the style of their shoes and the casual femininity as they pass. I wish I had hair to flick off my neck. It causes my greatest sighs.
I keep saying "some day..."
now where's that bathing suit????
That lovely looking Emma from the avatar could get out there on the street, if only for a brief outing ?
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Not fair Kirsten. I knew I shouldn't have re-posted that photo.... :)
I was suppose to go out yesterday with my make up artist to shop for shoes for a new dress we bought last month as Emma but she had to re-schedule for next Tuesday.
I really need to get my wife to accept me as Emma and a begin to see and get comfortable with me dressing as Emma at home.
Massive fear on that cliff!!!!!!!
Youre right, that is a big one. You know & I know you will both be better off when the truth gets out there.
She already knows you are trans, that is half the battle won already.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
I truly hope my fears are bigger than the reality of that really tough conversation.
I am afraid of the pain I will see on her face. I am so afraid of hurting her. That is the only fear that holds me back...stupidly I keep thinking I can still suck it up...
I know, a losing battle....massive sigh
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 22, 2019, 07:54:59 AM
I agree that this is a continuous and unstoppable process and I love the changes.
Deep Breath In:
I need to commit to get her to understand, accept and support my reality. I don't want tolerance and Emma is not
going away.
Deep Breath Out.
Just waiting for that wave to come in before I jump off that cliff. I see everyone waving from the water....
Great way to put it, Im on that trail, I'm taking the steps, going to happen, harder to hide the changes. It's going to happen. Need to lose weight, almost afraid and excited at the same time that the changes I can now hide (being a little over weight, wearing a Male Spanx Top)Will start to be seen by the whole world. I'm already at the point I wear the spanx top and a T-shirt at a public pool. My wife knows what it looks like and accepts it as hormonal issues(low T)Not sure she is on board with my dressing or make up. But I keep doing this in a forward motion. Feels like Im going to be wading further and further in the water, until Splash. Wow, tears me up to write this.
Really sorry for the pain you are feeling Stephee. This process just stinks.
If I was alone this would be amazingly easier. Hurting some one you love to just be you is so cruel. It really shouldn't be that way.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 22, 2019, 11:01:01 AM
Not fair Kirsten. I knew I shouldn't have re-posted that photo.... :)
I was suppose to go out yesterday with my make up artist to shop for shoes for a new dress we bought last month as Emma but she had to re-schedule for next Tuesday.
I really need to get my wife to accept me as Emma and a begin to see and get comfortable with me dressing as Emma at home.
Massive fear on that cliff!!!!!!!
Forgive me if this has been posted earlier in the thread, or if it's information you don't want to share, but does your wife know you've been doing hormones and electrolysis? If so, she has to have an inkling or more of what you're going through. Perhaps she would be receptive to Emma coming out in small, incremental steps?
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 22, 2019, 01:27:29 PM
Really sorry for the pain you are feeling Stephee. This process just stinks.
If I was alone this would be amazingly easier. Hurting some one you love to just be you is so cruel. It really shouldn't be that way.
As they say in church
AMEN......That becomes the fight, what pain is greater the pain of not being your true self or the pain of showing your true self to friends and family.....
It's like walking around just hoping some miracle will happen to make it all happen without the pain. I'm in a dreamland, then I wake up to reality.
Randim sorry, this thread has become too long. I need to do a periodic recap more often.
My wife knows about the hormones and the therapist but not the electrolysis or make overs. We are using "don't ask/ don't tell" to ignore the elephant in the room.
I have been relying on the many things about me that have begun to changed to chip away at her denial. At some point the hormonal changes that will force the issue...
I know we will need to confront the facts one way or another within the next few months.
Stephee I keep looking for the magic wand....
OK wow I have rewritten this four times and almost deleted it twice.
I really am surprised that I will write this. It is my last dark pain that I carry every day and the single reason that I hold back confronting my wife.
When my son finished his first year of college he was diagnosed with leukemia. He fought it for three years and we all thought it was in remission. For eight months he was happy and his life was in front of him. He had a great girlfriend. He started college again.
I got a phone call from his oncologist in that eighth month. The leukemia was back. That day I got home and walked in the door. I was greeted by the incredible smiling face of my happy son and I was in absolute agony as I told him the cancer was back. I saw his joy crumble and I was the one who destroyed it. I killed his smile.
I know the cancer wasn't my fault but I was the messenger. I pulled the trigger.
I am in absolute fear that I am about to do it again. I am about to destroy the joy of some one I love and look them in the eye as I do it. That is my darkest fear. I don't want to do it again. I don't know if I can handle the pain. That is my deepest fear. I don't want to see that hurt, that pain.
This is so bleak...so sadly painful. I have held back here. This is a darkness I feel every day. I have only shared this with my therapist...the only reason I write this is that damn promise I made to be honest...I want to shove this back in a corner some where. I am truly sorry sharing this.
I am so sorry to you all. There is a goodness here on this site that our own personal suffering has brought out and I feel like this entry is an unfair black emotional hole that I am dragging you into. I am only sharing this because I don't want anyone to feel I am afraid to be me. I am not afraid to transition. I am afraid to hurt someone like that again. I really don't know if I can or if I am strong enough (or selfish enough).
Wow what lousy options...
Really sorry but thank you for tolerating this selfishness. This is the worst I can offer and as dark as I can get. Just delete this.
Oh Emma. I am in tears. It must be be so hard. I am so sorry for your loss, and the horrible scar it must be.
I do understand. There was a similar dark tragedy in my family. More than one. I have struggled too with fear and pain. Words are not enough though. Know that you are deeply cared about.
Love and many hugs.
Gina
Gina thank you. I really don't know why I wrote all that. It's not the way I am. The only thing I can figure is that I really trust everyone here and I haven't trusted anyone like that before.
Maybe I am just abusing the anonymity this site provides.
You all have your own pain. Gina you said it yourself. What is wrong with me? I have never been this emotionally selfish in my life. This damn process...what have I become? Why am I this raw and exposed in public? This is not me but I can't seem to shut up....
WTF!
I have never known such lonely crying...I should stop taking the hormones. What are these emotions helping?
I'm done posting. really sorry this got out of hand.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 22, 2019, 08:20:56 AM
If you are wearing skirts, riding women's bikes with long hair flowing...Maybe your not surfing the big waves with the bad-asses Kim & Moni but Kirsten you are definitely in the water.
I am still trying to find a bathing suit.... :)
You know what is hurting the most right now? I work in mid-town Manhattan and I am surrounded by well-dress women of all kinds and I keep hitting myself with the jealousy/sadness stick every day. I love the flow of their dresses, the style of their shoes and the casual femininity as they pass. I wish I had hair to flick off my neck. It causes my greatest sighs.
I keep saying "some day..."
now where's that bathing suit????
still catching up - but yeah I used to work in Midtown also. Some very well dressed women there. I felt the same way. I also worked in downtown Chicago for years - not quite as fashionable as NYC but there was plenty to be jealous about too. OK more to read.
1st lesson learned.... don't post until you are fully caught up.
That said... Emma, Kirsten, Stephee and all. This process is supposed to bring peace not misery. Myself and Moni but me in particular are not trying to shove you off the cliff. If any of my suggestions and opinions have felt that way I am sorry. I only want to help people conquer fear and pose questions to think about.
Emma you do not need to apologize for your generosity of spirit of sharing this journey. As I said in my topic there is a lot to consider when transitioning. In your case your huge concerns for your wife are genuine. Given the painful past it is even a larger concern.
My advice is to be open with her. It doesn't need to be an ultimatum, it can be an ongoing discussion that is not settled in one sitting. My opinion is that there should be no secrets. I think she should know exactly what you are doing and how you feel. Additionally what you want, for you and she in turn can tell you her thoughts for you and herself. COMMUNICATE !!!!!!!!
It is not necessary to go into this by dropping an atomic bomb. Discuss it as a couple. The pros and cons.
I am pushing you to do two things. Talk openly with your wife as you do here. Find your path to happiness whatever that is. And for those two things I will be a hard -ass. :D
Love and Hugs to you Emma
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 22, 2019, 07:27:03 AM
While you to & fro over transition keep up the HRT and express your feminine self organically as you see fit.
Yesterday I rode a womans bicycle from the airport where I work to home in the suburbs 7 miles away. Womans top with obvious breasts and a long flowing skirt and shoulder length blind hair. I got double takes from traffic & fellow cyclists.
I still dont know if Im really trans.
While I was riding I was thinking is this really happening ?
While I agonise over transition I think I will take estrogen and present as a woman anyway !
Yours truly, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
YAY !!!!!!Kirsten early in my journey I thought there was a right way to do this. Full blown, all the way, go large or go home blah blah blah.
I have evolved. There is a huge gender spectrum. Be who you are. Do what makes you happy.
The one thing I will continue to kick butt about is do not let fear stop you from doing and being what makes you happy. It is clear from what you said above you have beat the fear. Liberating isn't it?
Quote from: Stepheewt on May 22, 2019, 12:41:47 PM
Great way to put it, Im on that trail, I'm taking the steps, going to happen, harder to hide the changes. It's going to happen. Need to lose weight, almost afraid and excited at the same time that the changes I can now hide (being a little over weight, wearing a Male Spanx Top)Will start to be seen by the whole world. I'm already at the point I wear the spanx top and a T-shirt at a public pool. My wife knows what it looks like and accepts it as hormonal issues(low T)Not sure she is on board with my dressing or make up. But I keep doing this in a forward motion. Feels like Im going to be wading further and further in the water, until Splash. Wow, tears me up to write this.
Stephee This doesn't happen overnight. My transition from my first therapist visit to full time was a year. And I was part time so to speak for 6 months. It is the worst time in my opinion but there are different reasons to do it gradually, family, job, slowly conquering the fear and others. Just keep moving forward
And stop worrying about your looks so much. Easy to say huh? Nope. It was really hard for me.
I feel like I am promoting a book or something :D but I keep asking people to read my 'The Joys of Not Passing" topic. I think everyone that is early in this journey should read it.
If I humbly say so myself ;D Quiet Moni >:( :D
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 22, 2019, 07:57:20 PM
Gina thank you. I really don't know why I wrote all that. It's not the way I am. The only thing I can figure is that I really trust everyone here and I haven't trusted anyone like that before.
Maybe I am just abusing the anonymity this site provides.
You all have your own pain. Gina you said it yourself. What is wrong with me? I have never been this emotionally selfish in my life. This damn process...what have I become? Why am I this raw and exposed in public? This is not me but I can't seem to shut up....
WTF!
I feel deeply for you Emma, and there is nothing I can say or do, to make the pain go away!
Remember, estrogen allows us to show our emotions, and it is good for the soul to let those emotions out. Not to long ago I cried an entire day, and I am a pretty tough broad!
Sharing these emotions, no matter if fear or joy, with others, makes one feel better!
I just hope for you that you will find a way to be able to fully come out to your wife, and not make her hurt very much.
I kind of know how hard it must be for you not being able to live the life Emma deserves to live, and keep her always in the background.
We started HRT at about the same time (I lived full time already when I started), and I can see how much more I have been feminized during this time, and I bet you can feel it, too. I just hope for you that you can be out fully in the very near future!
Good luck and lots of hugs!
Linde
Wow, you definitely hit a nerve, I'm with rolling tears....must be that E, Emma just take it slowly at your pace. Things will come when they do. Family is important and so is your well being. When your so emotional it's the worst time to make any decision. Just stay with what your doing now. Gather yourself up. And revisit stuff again in a week or so. Might let you see more clearly. Hang in there, your are a beautiful person inside and out.
Hugs
Quote from: KimOct on May 22, 2019, 08:47:45 PM
Stephee This doesn't happen overnight. My transition from my first therapist visit to full time was a year. And I was part time so to speak for 6 months. It is the worst time in my opinion but there are different reasons to do it gradually, family, job, slowly conquering the fear and others. Just keep moving forward
And stop worrying about your looks so much. Easy to say huh? Nope. It was really hard for me.
Thank you for the advice and kind words. It is very hard caught between 2 worlds. I know I can still hide the changes for now. But longer hair tied back will only go so far. (Soon it's like "hey get a haircut") The E does change a lot, some things sneak up on you. Coming out of the shower I can see it. In daily clothes not really. Some might see my Moobs slightly. But that's it. Overweight guy, no big deal right. Where I watch myself is in a tank top or tighter T-shirt. Very obvious there.
So I usually hide it. Either way it's happening and it will become reality at some point. Part time is still where I am. But I do enjoy pictures I take as My true self. Getting better at make up.
Quote from: KimOct on May 22, 2019, 08:41:48 PM
YAY !!!!!!
Kirsten early in my journey I thought there was a right way to do this. Full blown, all the way, go large or go home blah blah blah.
I have evolved. There is a huge gender spectrum. Be who you are. Do what makes you happy.
The one thing I will continue to kick butt about is do not let fear stop you from doing and being what makes you happy. It is clear from what you said above you have beat the fear. Liberating isn't it?
In a nutshell Kim, ... liberating! I crashed and burned in 2016. Transition mk 2 is much better 2nd time round in 2019.
The thing is my dysphoria is not bad on HRT and expressing my female self.
Without HRT and expression dysphoria gets quite bad.
I might make a fool of myself one of these days but I will be a happy fool.
Kirsten xx.
I'm really sorry about last night. I was trying to convey the pain I am most fearful of. I didn't mean to dump that bad.
I am still an emotional amateur. It just got away from me.
I am very afraid to see that kind of pain again and know that I am the cause. That is my only hesitation at this point in pushing "the" conversation with my wife. I am hoping that the conversation will evolve over time just like I know I am evolving myself.
Thank you all for your support!
Massive hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 22, 2019, 07:57:20 PM
Gina thank you. I really don't know why I wrote all that. It's not the way I am. The only thing I can figure is that I really trust everyone here and I haven't trusted anyone like that before.
Maybe I am just abusing the anonymity this site provides.
Emma, you are not abusing the site or its members. This is exactly what we are here for. This is how peer support works!
Thank you for sharing your pain with us. It must have been unbearable to break the news to your son, and I totally understand your fear of breaking your wife's heart, too. It is by opening up that understanding is reached.
Yet, all you can do is go forward. Lean on us when you need to.
Kathy thank you so much for what you said.
It goes against my nature to burden others but I have never, ever been so personally tormented, so relentlessly for so long.
To have you and everyone here so willing to give me a shoulder, a hug and the emotional support that I have needed means everything.
I only shared my heartbreak and fear of another heartbreak here because I knew you all would be there for me and understand.
Thank you,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 23, 2019, 06:42:40 AM
I'm really sorry about last night. I was trying to convey the pain I am most fearful of. I didn't mean to dump that bad.
I am still an emotional amateur. It just got away from me.
I am very afraid to see that kind of pain again and know that I am the cause. That is my only hesitation at this point in pushing "the" conversation with my wife. I am hoping that the conversation will evolve over time just like I know I am evolving myself.
Thank you all for your support!
Massive hugs,
Emma
Emma just glad your Ok, very day we get up is a new one with a new set of rules so to speak I know everyone felt your pain and just wanted to support you. It's all part of the crazy that is. That's why I come here, support, like minded people, expletive who understand what that emotion is all about. Makes me smile to see you post.
We are here for you Emma and for each other, Kirsten, Gina, Stephee and all. Interesting that crying is part of the discussion right now. I cried at work today. Not blubbering, snot running out my nose sobbing. But consistent tears coming out of my eyes rolling down my cheeks.
When I got downsized from Hertz I took it like a 'man'. My VP that had to do it looked worse than I did. I took pity on him and told him it wasn't his fault. I walked out with my head held high. Inside I was crushed, I loved my job, I loved the company I loved the money and the car :D. But I took it and didn't flinch.
Today at work I cried in front of two people I report to. I am doing a job far beneath my experience, education and former pay grade. Nothing wrong with it. Plenty of people do this type of office work their whole lives. What made me cry is that I am struggling with it. I just can't get with the program regarding following guidelines. I am trying so hard and feel stupid. A friend told me lately that Fortune 500 companies don't let stupid people manage $50 million worth of business. But now at a much lesser job I feel like an idiot. And talking about it made me cry.
The estrogen stuff really does affect your emotions. We said we are women right? Well we got what we wished for.
There are ups and downs to everything including this journey. I felt some embarrassment from the tears flowing but at least I was real. My bosses were very supportive ( thank God they are women )
Just wanted to share..... you are not alone in crying. Fun being girls huh? :D ;D
I am humbled by the love and support you all continue to show. Thank you.
Let me purge my final fear.
The divorce rate in America is 40-50%. The divorce rate for couples who lose a child to leukemia is 70%.
The divorce rate for a couple where one comes out as transgender is _____%?
Pretty crumby statistics and so that is my last fear...
But I hope and believe that we are not like most couples! Together we have shown how tough we are and how much we love each other.
A friend PM'd a supporting note last night and shared the following from her relationship with her spouse:
"It's you and me together Honey, and this thing is facing us, let's deal with it together."
That is my hope and my ultimate belief. I plan to sit down with her and share who I am, what I need to be me and why I need her to be a part of my life in the next few weeks.
That's ironclad.
Out of respect for her she needs to know and then decide what she needs to do. I will support her no matter what she chooses.
Separately, I feel an obligation to you all to share a happy moment after the endless misery I have shared here.
Yesterday I met with my analyst. She is just great. I have trusted her and opened up to her from day one. She sees right through me. She has this knowing smile when I am trying to BS my way around something. She never let's me get away with ducking or hiding.
We were talking about the times I have fully presented as Emma. She note yesterday when I was describing a dress I bought for my next outing that she saw the "Emma" smile.
I asked her what she meant (I was actually blushing....I never do that!). She said she can always tell the differences in my smiles and knows exactly every time I am Emma.
That has made me super happy!
I wanted to share that here.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 24, 2019, 08:00:52 AM
I am humbled by the love and support you all continue to show. Thank you.
Let me purge my final fear.
The divorce rate in America is 40-50%. The divorce rate for couples who lose a child to leukemia is 70%.
The divorce rate for a couple where one comes out as transgender is _____%?
Pretty crumby statistics and so that is my last fear...
But I hope and believe that we are not like most couples! Together we have shown how tough we are and how much we love each other.
A friend PM'd a supporting note last night and shared the following from her relationship with her spouse:
"It's you and me together Honey, and this thing is facing us, let's deal with it together."
That is my hope and my ultimate belief. I plan to sit down with her and share who I am, what I need to be me and why I need her to be a part of my life in the next few weeks.
That's ironclad.
Out of respect for her she needs to know and then decide what she needs to do. I will support her no matter what she chooses.
Separately, I feel an obligation to you all to share a happy moment after the endless misery I have shared here.
Yesterday I met with my analyst. She is just great. I have trusted her and opened up to her from day one. She sees right through me. She has this knowing smile when I am trying to BS my way around something. She never let's me get away with ducking or hiding.
We were talking about the times I have fully presented as Emma. She note yesterday when I was describing a dress I bought for my next outing that she saw the "Emma" smile.
I asked her what she meant (I was actually blushing....I never do that!). She said she can always tell the differences in my smiles and knows exactly every time I am Emma.
That has made me super happy!
I wanted to share that here.
Hugs,
Emma
Hi. I want to share what has happened with my wife. Much as you decribe your plan to talk, I started by telling her I was trans, my fears and hopes. I acknowledged that she might want her own path, but. Emphaized my love and concern for her feelings.
She was stunned. It took a few weeks to accept that it was real. We talked daily,she asked questions shared her fears, but soon saw my happier, nicer.. We go to therapy. It just brought us close together. Our love is deeper. She hasread and educated herself on it, We are staying together. My transition is made so much easier.
It can have a happy ending. I know it is scary, but I have to believe you have a good chance for a similar journey together. God bless you both. Good luck.
Hugs,
Gina
Thank you Gina. I really believe so too!
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 24, 2019, 08:00:52 AM
The divorce rate in America is 40-50%. The divorce rate for couples who lose a child to leukemia is 70%.
The divorce rate for a couple where one comes out as transgender is _____%?
I don't know if there are any reliable statistics. But my therapist told me that she had heard that the divorce rate for couples where one transitions is 50%. Then, to put it in perspective, she reminded me that the divorce rate for *all* couples is about 50%. In other words, transition may be a trigger for divorce, but it doesn't significantly alter the odds.
It does seem, from reading posts here, that the figure is indeed close to 50%. I hope you are able to beat the odds.
I love the story about your smile. :)
My story about coming out to my wife is that, within a minute of my "dropping the bomb", she said, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you!" Wow, talk about a load off my mind! She has been true to her word, and we are staying together.
Keep talking.
I would agree that it seems about 50%. For those of us staying it also seems to bring a new cliseness. I am so much in love wirh her now. Grateful and communicating. Loving talk is the key.
Gina
Kathy, Gina and Moni:
I agree with you all. With all that my wife and I have been through it truly is just a question of talking. I told her that I was transgender and wanted a sex change in February, 2018 and she is still here. Our love comes through every time we kiss and we hug.
I have to stop thinking of it as my problem and share with her, simply me. Emma has always been a part of me and our relationship. She is not a threat.
It will always be us.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 24, 2019, 08:00:52 AM
Yesterday I met with my analyst. She is just great. I have trusted her and opened up to her from day one. She sees right through me. She has this knowing smile when I am trying to BS my way around something. She never let's me get away with ducking or hiding.
We were talking about the times I have fully presented as Emma. She note yesterday when I was describing a dress I bought for my next outing that she saw the "Emma" smile.
I asked her what she meant (I was actually blushing....I never do that!). She said she can always tell the differences in my smiles and knows exactly every time I am Emma.
That has made me super happy!
I wanted to share that here.
Hugs,
Emma
That story is amazing...the Emma smile. I have felt that way myself lately. I am in love with all my Stephee pictures. I feel like it's the mirror I want to look into each day. I just can't. But it's weird, I'll spend my day in Stephee mode. Go back to the mask (as I feel guy mode is,) when my wife returns. And there has been many times she says I seem happier today. Actually called me giddy the other day. The happier me is bleeding through. I wish you all the love in the world in tackling the Elephant in the room with your wife. I keep hoping for you that one day I will read that you and her worked it out, you had the talk and your gonna be good. I keep hoping for your happiness and your emotional well being.
Hugs
Stepheewt
Thank you Stephee. I agree there is something unique about a joyful smile!
We have been waiting a lifetime to have it!
I truly look forward to the day when I no longer feel this soulful pain of unfulfillment. I want that smile forever and I hope the same for you.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 24, 2019, 10:23:45 AM
Kathy, Gina and Moni:
I agree with you all. With all that my wife and I have been through it truly is just a question of talking. I told her that I was transgender and wanted a sex change in February, 2018 and she is still here. Our love comes through every time we kiss and we hug.
I have to stop thinking of it as my problem and share with her, simply me. Emma has always been a part of me and our relationship. She is not a threat.
It will always be us.
Hugs,
Emma
I had a very hard week at work, it tore me up. So relieved to get to the weekend.
This really cheered me up !!!!!!!
YAY !!!!!! Emma you have arrived. :) There is tough stuff ahead but this is the toughest of all. I am so thrilled with where your head is at. IMO you are looking at this the right way. (Hmmm who said this before :D I am kidding )
Now that I don't have to kick your butt regularly who is next? Hmmm.... let me think. Moni is at peace.
Maybe I will just do it for fun. ;D :D
So proud of you. There are going to be other challenges but this was the showdown. You got this. :) :) :) :) :)
Its been nail biting couple of days.
My thoughts are with you Emma. Good will come out of this.
Your wife and yourself are good solid people.
Warmest regards, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 24, 2019, 10:23:45 AM
I have to stop thinking of it as my problem and share with her, simply me. Emma has always been a part of me and our relationship. She is not a threat.
It will always be us.
Hugs,
Emma
Oh, I absolutely love this, Emma. If you enter your discussion thinking that you are bringing misery or heartbreak, she may very likely see it that way as well. I like to think of it as you bringing a challenge to both of you as a couple. Stupid guilt and past shame are exactly the wrong way to approach this. If you can let go of that and show her that this is just a bit of a do over or a bright new beginning (no modification is better word) then your chances of success are greatly improved.
Kim, I continually marvel at your strength!
Hey kids, I really think this is a great group of ladies on this thread. I wish we could all actually hang out in person. We could have kind of a
Weekend at Berney's where the dead guy is our old shame and guilt personified as Berney.
I had kind of a cool thing happen at work if I can share. I went swimming with students for the first time as me at work. Later a coworker who was also there came up to me and told me that she really admired what I had done. "I know it took guts to do that." I said that no, at this point that is no big deal to me. If someone looks at me weird or something, well, screw them. She said, no that I looked great but that she really admired everything I had done to become who I really am and that she loved me. Now this is not someone I was ever close with, in fact, she being a bit on the conservative side of things, I wasn't sure if she would outright reject me. I have to say that it made me feel pretty good that she said all this. I really feel that this thing we do, this struggle to become who we really are, inspires a lot of people. I have had a lot of people confess admiration for stepping up and fighting to be who I really am. Pretransition, I could not have imagined that. I suspect that many, many people have their own non-trans struggles to be themselves, and our highly visible battle is something they admire. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. ;D
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 24, 2019, 09:35:06 PM
I had kind of a cool thing happen at work if I can share. I went swimming with students for the first time as me at work. Later a coworker who was also there came up to me and told me that she really admired what I had done. "I know it took guts to do that." I said that no, at this point that is no big deal to me. If someone looks at me weird or something, well, screw them. She said, no that I looked great but that she really admired everything I had done to become who I really am and that she loved me. Now this is not someone I was ever close with, in fact, she being a bit on the conservative side of things, I wasn't sure if she would outright reject me. I have to say that it made me feel pretty good that she said all this. I really feel that this thing we do, this struggle to become who we really are, inspires a lot of people. I have had a lot of people confess admiration for stepping up and fighting to be who I really am. Pretransition, I could not have imagined that. I suspect that many, many people have their own non-trans struggles to be themselves, and our highly visible battle is something they admire. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. ;D
That's a great story.....so amazing that someone you didn't know was watching you, stepped up to let you know that. Your spirit is just awesome.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 24, 2019, 09:35:06 PM
Oh, I absolutely love this, Emma. If you enter your discussion thinking that you are bringing misery or heartbreak, she may very likely see it that way as well. I like to think of it as you bringing a challenge to both of you as a couple. Stupid guilt and past shame are exactly the wrong way to approach this. If you can let go of that and show her that this is just a bit of a do over or a bright new beginning (no modification is better word) then your chances of success are greatly improved.
Kim, I continually marvel at your strength!
Hey kids, I really think this is a great group of ladies on this thread. I wish we could all actually hang out in person. We could have kind of a Weekend at Berney's where the dead guy is our old shame and guilt personified as Berney.
I had kind of a cool thing happen at work if I can share. I went swimming with students for the first time as me at work. Later a coworker who was also there came up to me and told me that she really admired what I had done. "I know it took guts to do that." I said that no, at this point that is no big deal to me. If someone looks at me weird or something, well, screw them. She said, no that I looked great but that she really admired everything I had done to become who I really am and that she loved me. Now this is not someone I was ever close with, in fact, she being a bit on the conservative side of things, I wasn't sure if she would outright reject me. I have to say that it made me feel pretty good that she said all this. I really feel that this thing we do, this struggle to become who we really are, inspires a lot of people. I have had a lot of people confess admiration for stepping up and fighting to be who I really am. Pretransition, I could not have imagined that. I suspect that many, many people have their own non-trans struggles to be themselves, and our highly visible battle is something they admire. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. ;D
Thanks for sharing Moni. As I have said many times I experience the same type of thing often. From everyone? No.
But from many. And you know if some say it others think it.
Pre transition we have so much fear of the handful that will judge us. And the handful of the few are usually silent.
Does it hurt when they are jerks. Yes. In a work meeting this week one guy kept calling me he. I didn't want to bring the meeting to a screeching halt so I let it go. Every other person said she.
Most people admire our guts. Moni and I and others can tell you all this again and again but it is hard to believe until you experience it. But it will happen.
And yes I would love to get together with members of this discussion. I did a similar thing with a group from another trans forum in 2016. It was so much fun but it also changed my life. We had a 3 day weekend. I was early in transition and seeing how comfortable they were in their own skin transformed me. Plus it was a blast.
Thank you everyone!
I feel like I have finally internalized what is important. I believe that I am past the soul crushing point!
You gals are the best.
Big hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 25, 2019, 12:59:55 PM
Thank you everyone!
I feel like I have finally internalized what is important. I believe that I am past the soul crushing point!
You gals are the best.
Big hugs,
Emma
That sounds wonderful Emma. It is a hard road, that's for sure, but the payoff can be huge.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 25, 2019, 12:59:55 PM
Thank you everyone!
I feel like I have finally internalized what is important. I believe that I am past the soul crushing point!
You gals are the best.
Big hugs,
Emma
One of the things that keeps me coming to this site is seeing people "turn a corner" and find their way clear to moving forward. It sounds like that's where you are now, and it is such a joy to see! You've got this!
I'll accept that hug and give it right back to you!
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 26, 2019, 06:49:18 AM
One of the things that keeps me coming to this site is seeing people "turn a corner" and find their way clear to moving forward. It sounds like that's where you are now, and it is such a joy to see! You've got this!
Exactly Kathy. Having not transitioned, the struggles of Emma and others on Susan's validates what I'm going through and then when one of those people "turns the corner" it's truly inspiring. One of these days hopefully I'll be one of those people. I think I should make another donation to Susan's. 😊
Quote from: Paige on May 26, 2019, 07:53:50 AM
Exactly Kathy. Having not transitioned, the struggles of Emma and others on Susan's validates what I'm going through and then when one of those people "turns the corner" it's truly inspiring. One of these days hopefully I'll be one of those people. I think I should make another donation to Susan's. 😊
Hey Paige, we can 'gang up' on you like we did Emma if you like! LOL I say that in jest, I hope she didn't feel ganged up on. Come on Paige, to quote a Monty Python skit, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
Kathy, I am so glad to see one of my 'nursery mates' here as well. We are of the same generation except, damn it, I'm a little older in Susan years. lol
Where's Dr. Kim? Paging Dr. Kim!
I have to start this entry with just another "Thank You!". You all are great.
I started today by gathering up all of my men's jockey underwear and just threw them out. I have been replacing them with an androgynous style for the last two years but I still held on to them...no more "tidy whities"! It felt really good.
It's funny Kim and Moni I never felt pushed, bullied or ganged up on. All I have felt is support. It has taken all this time to finally purge a lifetime of emotional toxins that I never knew I was living with and know there is a better way to feel.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 26, 2019, 11:03:17 AM
I have to start this entry with just another "Thank You!". You all are great.
I started today by gathering up all of my men's jockey underwear and just threw them out. I have been replacing them with an androgynous style for the last two years but I still held on to them...no more "tidy whities"! It felt really good.
It's funny Kim and Moni I never felt pushed, bullied or ganged up on. All I have felt is support. It has taken all this time to finally purge a lifetime of emotional toxins that I never knew I was living with and know there is a better way to feel.
Hugs,
Emma
Its so great to see you push through all your struggles. I know there are more ahead, but you can make it. The toxins are worse for you then the alternative. Also Im glad the tidy whities are gone. Always hated those things. Wents to boxer briefs that are temp control. Bassically feel ver similiar to soft panties. Nylon feel and smooth.
one more thing, i agree, when i come here there is no gang up. Just feels like a bunch of girls getting coffee together supporting each other. Sometimes you get to talk and alot of times you can just sit back and listen with a smile on your face. (another cup please..carmel mocha latte)
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 26, 2019, 11:03:17 AM
I started today by gathering up all of my men's jockey underwear and just threw them out. I have been replacing them with an androgynous style for the last two years but I still held on to them...no more "tidy whities"! It felt really good.
Hugs,
Emma
You are far ahead of me in that area! here I live full time for more than a year, have all my legal name change done, but... I have not thrown away a single item of my former male clothing, nothing, not even almost worn out underpants!
I don't know what keeps me from doing this, but I just can't get myself to tackle this task! I have shoes I never ever will wear again, I have suits that I never ever will wear again, etc. etc. They all still hanging there and taking up closet space, but I just can't throw them/give them away!
All of us seem to have some hangups, and I always thought I was a pretty tough broad (unless I have to eliminate my male stuff, there is nothing tough left in me)!
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 26, 2019, 11:03:17 AM
I have to start this entry with just another "Thank You!". You all are great.
I started today by gathering up all of my men's jockey underwear and just threw them out. I have been replacing them with an androgynous style for the last two years but I still held on to them...no more "tidy whities"! It felt really good.
It's funny Kim and Moni I never felt pushed, bullied or ganged up on. All I have felt is support. It has taken all this time to finally purge a lifetime of emotional toxins that I never knew I was living with and know there is a better way to feel.
Hugs,
Emma
Yea, Kimmy, our "cover" is still not blown. ;D
Emma, don't read my note to Kim okay? Actually, what you are saying is music to a co-conspirators ears. From everything you have said about your life, Emma, and what you have been through, this is more than you figuring out your gender issues. I think you are choosing to live. I think you are putting fear in its place and deciding to grab for joy and living life to its fullest. I hope (really hard kind of hoping) that you can bring your partner along with you and let the light of the two of you shine brightly. Now, let's all do that, damn it! :o
Oh Stephee, I'll have that there mocher latte now! Need a double to sit around watching Linde burn old clothes! Bun baby burn!
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 26, 2019, 12:59:31 PM
Oh Stephee, I'll have that there mocher latte now! Need a double to sit around watching Linde burn old clothes! Burn baby burn!
Now that sounds like fun, a bombfire .......weirdly enough I have a bunch...most of which I donrpt wear anyway. I have very little Stephee clothes stashed, and a lot of my old male clothes don't fit anyway.(honestly I have some shirts that would definitely embarrass me in male mode) Let's just say I layer a lot, use Spanx, and cover up otherwise. Getting harder to do so. ........but that's another conversation.......anyhooooo.......so I highlighted my hair today.......(change that order, make that latte a Hot nutty Irishman,...3 shots)
Stephee,
A bombfire sounds sounds pretty entertaining. I'll be in the back row for that one though. I'm a little less adventurous preferring bonfires. Sounds like someone needs some shopping. Just sayin'! Next month will be three years since I wore guy clothes. Can't fathom that. I wore a cute little sun dress yesterday and what does my friend say? "You need to shave your knees!" Dang cis woman! I grew them to zap em.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 26, 2019, 11:11:59 PM
Stephee,
A bombfire sounds sounds pretty entertaining. I'll be in the back row for that one though. I'm a little less adventurous preferring bonfires. Sounds like someone needs some shopping. Just sayin'! Next month will be three years since I wore guy clothes. Can't fathom that. I wore a cute little sun dress yesterday and what does my friend say? "You need to shave your knees!" Dang cis woman! I grew them to zap em.
Lol....grew them to zap them....is that the hairs or the cis woman who pointed that out (it's like keep it to yourself.....or I'll....⚡️......yes a shopping trip will happen. Need to take some weight off first. It's a nice camouflage for hiding my changes though, so things may start to appear more when I lose some weight....or simply maybe I lose that too. Who knows...
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 26, 2019, 11:11:59 PM
Next month will be three years since I wore guy clothes. Can't fathom that. I wore a cute little sun dress yesterday and what does my friend say? "You need to shave your knees!" Dang cis woman! I grew them to zap em.
Wow, for me it will be one year pretty soon. Well, I still sneak them in for a few hours once in a while when I plan to go to a auto repair shop, I don't know for how long I still can do this, because it gets harder and harder to hide the changes caused by hormones. But wearing male stuff does not cause any dysphoria for me. My therapist thinks it is like dressing up for Halloween. If I would ever get started to give my male clothing away, but I am a pack-rat from nature, and giving stuff away hurts a lot!
My cis girl friends envy me, because I do not have anything to shave, not even my arm pits. I hear constant :I hate you, for not needing to shave my legs! But to be honest, I found a hair on my right knee the other day! I am now stressed out, I don't know whether I should keep it, to show them that I do have a hair on my legs, or if I should cut it off?
Quote from: Linde on May 27, 2019, 09:39:23 AM
.................I am now stressed out, I don't know whether I should keep it, ..........if I should cut it off?
I have thought about this my entire life.....wait ..no your we're talking about something else...
I got confused...for a moment..... Lol...
Btw .....hairless legs in general, that's a great thing, 1 year of hormones that's a milestone...congrats ...Linde
Quote from: Stepheewt on May 27, 2019, 09:46:46 AM
I have thought about this my entire life.....wait ..no your we're talking about something else...
I got confused...for a moment..... Lol...
Btw .....hairless legs in general, that's a great thing, 1 year of hormones that's a milestone...congrats ...Linde
There is noting to congratulate me about being hairless, I was born that way and had no influence on it. Now, as a female, I am happy about not having any body hair. But when I was a young men, I always felt like an out cast and was made fun of for having a hairless, mainly female looking body.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 26, 2019, 08:33:35 AM
Hey Paige, we can 'gang up' on you like we did Emma if you like! LOL I say that in jest, I hope she didn't feel ganged up on. Come on Paige, to quote a Monty Python skit, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
Where's Dr. Kim? Paging Dr. Kim!
Dr. Kim is in the house. Dealt poker on Sunday and was so sore and tired when I got home I never made it off the couch to the laptop.
I love Monty Python !!!! Sure Paige can be our next victim :D I mean patient ;D
Even though Emma has turned the corner I am pretty sure some follow up will be required.
Guy clothes !!!! OMG get rid of that stuff. Mine all went to Goodwill the week I went full time. I am sure somebody loved all of those business suits at Goodwill prices.
I kept a few t-shirts to wear with jeans when I visit my kids. The ex requires no makeup and hair under my hat when I visit my adult autistic children ( so as not to confuse them in her words )
I purposely got rid of my guy clothes right away so I wouldn't be tempted to chicken out.
Quote from: Linde on May 27, 2019, 11:26:45 AM
There is noting to congratulate me about being hairless, I was born that way and had no influence on it. Now, as a female, I am happy about not having any body hair. But when I was a young men, I always felt like an out cast and was made fun of for having a hairless, mainly female looking body.
I've actually been the same way. Very light hair on my legs. I always had a lot of girlish ways. When I was younger I got picked on......So I then got tough...started acting like a man being tough, doing all those man things, didn't want to be called a "sissy" at school...frankly I was scared.
Secretly I was wearing my moms p@ntyhose, and bras. I thought I was just a sick person. Can't let someone know. Strangely enough it's taken me 40years to know, it was just that an act.
I think I have been acting my whole life. I can act with different types of people to get along, act like a man to ward off ridicule.....But that's the point....it has always been, see something to emulate..and act like that person. When I let my guard down, I'm so different, Im actually being me. That person is Stephee. Huge breakthrough to understand this. Now doing something about it this far along......scary to know your whole life has partially been a lie.
Quote from: Stepheewt on May 27, 2019, 11:38:37 AM
I've actually been the same way. Very light hair on my legs. I always had a lot of girlish ways. When I was younger I got picked on......So I then got tough...started acting like a man being tough, doing all those man things, didn't want to be called a "sissy" at school...frankly I was scared.
Secretly I was wearing my moms p@ntyhose, and bras. I thought I was just a sick person. Can't let someone know. Strangely enough it's taken me 40years to know, it was just that an act.
I think I have been acting my whole life. I can act with different types of people to get along, act like a man to ward off ridicule.....But that's the point....it has always been, see something to emulate..and act like that person. When I let my guard down, I'm so different, Im actually being me. That person is Stephee. Huge breakthrough to understand this. Now doing something about it this far along......scary to know your whole life has partially been a lie.
Is it late to do something about it? Sure. I transitioned 3 years ago at 55. Do I wish I had done it 30 years ago? Yes.
I wasn't ready. My thoughts were overcome by fear and that I wouldn't look good enough and would look like a freak.
Finally at age 55 I decided I was tired of hiding.
Doing something about it this far along? Late? yes but not TOO LATE.
I have read people claim that they at least want to be buried in a dress. What ? You are dead. What's the point? Some kind of statement. Make a real statement. Live as you.
Quote from: Stepheewt on May 27, 2019, 11:38:37 AMscary to know your whole life has partially been a lie.
Not your whole life. Only the part behind you. The part ahead of you can be the truth.
At age 61, I knew that at least 2/3 of my life was behind me, even with an optimistic guess at my lifespan. But I resolved that I was going to enjoy the part that was left. It is never too late!
I absolutely agree Kathy.
I have been living my life with leg weights on but I definitely lived my life! I have accomplished so many thing in my life that I am proud of.
Maybe all of that was to get me ready to transition, for my next adventure. I intend to enjoy the rest of my life without the leg weights!
Emma has waited enough time in the shadows :)
Hugs,
Emma
Hi ladies, got to admit to being a bit worried about Kirsten today. I feel bad when friends are treated badly. I have another friend who's partner has been less than understanding. I can always understand a partner not going along for the ride, but if they get mean, it is hard to take. :(
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 27, 2019, 02:37:05 PM
Hi ladies, got to admit to being a bit worried about Kirsten today. I feel bad when friends are treated badly. I have another friend who's partner has been less than understanding. I can always understand a partner not going along for the ride, but if they get mean, it is hard to take. :(
I have also been thinking about her all day, what happened hits close to home. And I think of her alone. Just hoping she gets to the other side of this, hoping the freedom of being out there wins out over the pain from what happened.
Quote from: KimOct on May 27, 2019, 01:54:01 PM
Is it late to do something about it? Sure. I transitioned 3 years ago at 55. Do I wish I had done it 30 years ago? Yes.
I wasn't ready. My thoughts were overcome by fear and that I wouldn't look good enough and would look like a freak.
Finally at age 55 I decided I was tired of hiding.
Doing something about it this far along? Late? yes but not TOO LATE.
I have read people claim that they at least want to be buried in a dress. What ? You are dead. What's the point? Some kind of statement. Make a real statement. Live as you.
I hear you loud and clear........I know what I face plus some things I don't know too. Weighing out the loss of income is hard but real, the loss of friends maybe, the loss of family is very complicated for me. My wife is disabled. Not completely but doesn't work, has several issues and needs me. She is genuinely a beautiful person inside and out, to break her heart admit to the lies I've already perpetuated........it's a lot to figure out. So baby steps are happening, more are coming it will come to a head at some point. Then......,..,I don't know....
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 27, 2019, 02:17:39 PM
I have been living my life with leg weights on but I definitely lived my life! I have accomplished so many thing in my life that I am proud of.
Emma
That is exactly the way I see it! I was married for 36 years to the love of my life, and these were the best years of my entire life. If I would have been Linde for that time, i would not have been married to my ex, and I would have missed out on 36 wonderful years, and would not have the greatest son in the world!
Everything else I could have done as Linde, but never this marriage and the kid!
I have been thinking of Kirsten as well. I wish there was more I could do.
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 27, 2019, 02:05:42 PM
Not your whole life. Only the part behind you. The part ahead of you can be the truth.
At age 61, I knew that at least 2/3 of my life was behind me, even with an optimistic guess at my lifespan. But I resolved that I was going to enjoy the part that was left. It is never too late!
What you talking about 2/3 done? Way I see it, I'm in my 3rd year of puberty so I should have a good 60 to 70 years left.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
That's the thing, at 61 I decided it was now or never but if I had done this at an earlier age I would not have 3 wonderful kids and a lifetime of fun and experiences. OK so I got kicked out immediately but that meant I could get on being me with no restrictions . Apart from having to work (22 months 19 days till I retire BWCA) life is better and I have new friends.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 27, 2019, 02:37:05 PM
Hi ladies, got to admit to being a bit worried about Kirsten today. I feel bad when friends are treated badly. I have another friend who's partner has been less than understanding. I can always understand a partner not going along for the ride, but if they get mean, it is hard to take. :(
Yeah me too. Every time I encourage transition and something goes badly I blame myself a little so I am particularly worried. I have no intention of not giving my opinion because I think many people are here to get view points on this but I hate when it hurts. I don't blame any spouse for saying they can't go down this path but it should be with some kindness. We are not trying to hurt anyone. I hope Kirsten is going to be OK.
Quote from: Stepheewt on May 27, 2019, 03:10:43 PM
I hear you loud and clear........I know what I face plus some things I don't know too. Weighing out the loss of income is hard but real, the loss of friends maybe, the loss of family is very complicated for me. My wife is disabled. Not completely but doesn't work, has several issues and needs me. She is genuinely a beautiful person inside and out, to break her heart admit to the lies I've already perpetuated........it's a lot to figure out. So baby steps are happening, more are coming it will come to a head at some point. Then......,..,I don't know....
Stephee I said in another thread called 'the decision' that this is not for everyone for many different reasons. I am not
saying it is not for you rather I am acknowledging that everyone has their unique situation and many factors to weigh.
The one thing I do believe in regarding couples is honesty. Not communicating with your spouse is not helpful. Even if someone thinks they are protecting them they are really doing them a disservice. Bad moods, sadness, anger will be misconstrued. The ultimate downfall of my marriage was that my WIFE was the one that would not communicate.
Imagine that. LOL. I was the girl back then too. :D
Regardless of how people proceed I think it is imperative to have an honest discussion with a spouse. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about?
Quote from: KimOct on May 27, 2019, 06:58:27 PM
Stephee I said in another thread called 'the decision' that this is not for everyone for many different reasons. I am not
saying it is not for you rather I am acknowledging that everyone has their unique situation and many factors to weigh.
The one thing I do believe in regarding couples is honesty. Not communicating with your spouse is not helpful. Even if someone thinks they are protecting them they are really doing them a disservice. Bad moods, sadness, anger will be misconstrued. The ultimate downfall of my marriage was that my WIFE was the one that would not communicate.
Imagine that. LOL. I was the girl back then too. :D
Regardless of how people proceed I think it is imperative to have an honest discussion with a spouse. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about?
I agree. So much to say in response as tonight talking to my wife, I've never been so close to telling her everything, coming clean about everything. I even played it out in my mind what to say. How I could say it in a way she would understand. My anxiety in my stomach is so high right now. I'm having a panic attack. At least I just did. I drove to get us food, had one in my car. Don5 know if this means I'm not ready......or I've never been more ready... Just a crazy feeling.
Ok I'm going to g9 now and try to gather myself. Thanks for caring
Stephee
I. faced the same frightening situation in February. I knewmy wife might want to choose to part. I finally realized I owed the woman I loved to be honest. It was hard, but we started listening deeply. It has renewed our love. I knew it might, but knew she had to be free to choose, to have her concerns equal to mine. As Kim said it is what marriage should be about.
Still, It is a fear we each must face, I think. My view is the sooner the better. Delaying may erode trust.
Courage! Good luck
Hugs
Gina
Wow a lot of stuff covered in the recent posts.
First I know we are all concerned for Kirsten but she is strong and I believe in her!
Second, I have sworn my whole life that in the last 15 seconds of my life I never wanted to say "I should have...". I have always felt "just do it" but boy did I ignore the biggest "just do it" in my life!!! I am so glad you all helped me see what I couldn't. I said earlier that I now feel like a 14 year old girl. There is excitement in discovery. I am changing physically, mentally and emotionally and it just feels so right!
Third, age. Who cares when you come to understand who you are and who you have a right to be. The important point is that you know, understand and find your own personal peace.
And finally, the "Decision". I started this thread with what would hurt less, transitioning or not. I know now that I can't hold back transitioning and, given the confidence I have in our relationship, I believe that my relationship with my wife can grow with this decision. Our wedding anniversary is this week so I will wait a week but we will have a conversation. I will continue to hope and believe.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Stepheewt on May 27, 2019, 08:27:15 PM
I agree. So much to say in response as tonight talking to my wife, I've never been so close to telling her everything, coming clean about everything. I even played it out in my mind what to say. How I could say it in a way she would understand. My anxiety in my stomach is so high right now. I'm having a panic attack. At least I just did. I drove to get us food, had one in my car. Don5 know if this means I'm not ready......or I've never been more ready... Just a crazy feeling.
Ok I'm going to g9 now and try to gather myself. Thanks for caring
Hi, Stephee. I can so relate to the panic attack. When I was trying to come out to my wife, I tried for six months to tell her. I'd have the words all though out, and on the tip of my tongue, and I'd have a panic attack and chicken out. That must have happened at least 100 times. What I learned from the experience was that there is no easy solution. The only way forward is ... forward. Damn the torpedoes; full speed ahead!
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 28, 2019, 07:03:51 AM
And finally, the "Decision". I started this thread with what would hurt less, transitioning or not. I know now that I can't hold back transitioning and, given the confidence I have in our relationship, I believe that my relationship with my wife can grow with this decision. Our wedding anniversary is this week so I will wait a week but we will have a conversation. I will continue to hope and believe.
Emma, how delightful it is to read of your self-confidence, your confidence in your relationship, and your caring so as not to spoil your anniversary. Girl, you've got the right stuff!
Happy anniversary, and good luck!
Awww thanks Kathy.
Ok wish me luck. I am going to Donna (my makeup stylist) for a makeover and shoe shopping this afternoon.
This should be hysterical!
OK I am such a massive amateur.
The new avatar was taken before we went shoe shopping at DSW. Donna was adorably pushy about the way I walked and how I used my arms. Even after we found the shoes she made me walk through the store (which felt huge) looking at more shoes and making me walk more.
Everyone was looking at me....not. But it felt like it.
OK Kim and Moni bring it on :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 28, 2019, 06:03:04 PM
OK I am such a massive amateur.
The new avatar was taken before we went shoe shopping at DSW. Donna was adorably pushy about the way I walked and how I used my arms. Even after we found the shoes she made me walk through the store (which felt huge) looking at more shoes and making me walk more.
Everyone was looking at me....not. But it felt like it.
OK Kim and Moni bring it on :)
Your new avatar looks definitely hot lady!
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 28, 2019, 06:03:04 PM
OK I am such a massive amateur.
The new avatar was taken before we went shoe shopping at DSW. Donna was adorably pushy about the way I walked and how I used my arms. Even after we found the shoes she made me walk through the store (which felt huge) looking at more shoes and making me walk more.
Everyone was looking at me....not. But it felt like it.
OK Kim and Moni bring it on :)
Bring it on ?????? Hardly, you are rocking girl. Walking around DSW nothing wrong with that. It took me months before I was anything close to being comfortable in public. And how you are seeing things regarding your wife..........
Fantastic !!!! I think waiting until shortly after your anniversary is appropriate. But not too long.
And your new avatar, you are #$%@$ adorable. I don't want to hear anymore of this eh it's just a good picture crap.
You are adorable. I hate you. :D (The highest compliment a woman can be paid ) ;D :D :D
Quote from: GinaG on May 27, 2019, 09:07:31 PM
Stephee
I. faced the same frightening situation in February. I knewmy wife might want to choose to part. I finally realized I owed the woman I loved to be honest. It was hard, but we started listening deeply. It has renewed our love. I knew it might, but knew she had to be free to choose, to have her concerns equal to mine. As Kim said it is what marriage should be about.
Still, It is a fear we each must face, I think. My view is the sooner the better. Delaying may erode trust.
Courage! Good luck
Hugs
Gina
Gina I came so close to doing it. Just telling her the truth. Has an opportunity when she saw my highlights in my hair.(understand I don't wear make up around her, I pull my hair all the way back, use a lot of hats) but....she saw it. Her reaction was what did you do. I told her I used the sun in because I was bored. She just shook her head told me it's getting too long. You need to get it cut soon. Almost showed her this picture in profile now. But I just chickened out. I was so close.
Then today she has a breakdown ( dishes has a lot of medical issues, fighting with her parents, there older live 4 states away, but physical abuse doesn't go away) Now all that is laid out there.
It's like ....just put Stephee away. Keep binding my chest Back to the same thing.....It's so hard.
Thank you also Kim, Emma, Linde, Kathy. And yes the panic attacks are very real. So is my panic over how I feel. Just crazy to have some things just set me off. Thank you all for your support.
Stephee I have read your post a bunch of times. You know I feel for you!
The constant statement on this thread has been that everyone has to find their own answers. There is no way anyone can know your relationship with your wife the way that you do. I believe that you will find a way to share with your wife in the best way possible. You are doing your best!
I have tried in this massively selfish thread to try and convey how I have felt and what I was going through.
My whole fear from the beginning was hurting my wife. It has taken this long to realize that my own pain was not sustainable and that I must risk my relationship if I am to find any peace in my lifetime. Over the next week or so I will tell my wife I must transition. Even now that sounds so alien to me. Truthfully I have "chickened out" dozens of times for a multitude of reasons. My evolving transition has reached a point where I know my personal truth, inescapably.
I am glad the Gina and Moni have found a way to preserve their relationships. I hope with my heart that Kirsten can find a way to be herself and be with her partner. Frighteningly, I will soon find out my own answer with my wife.
There isn't any other way for me and I hate it.
Hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Stepheewt on May 28, 2019, 10:54:25 PM
Gina I came so close to doing it. Just telling her the truth. Has an opportunity when she saw my highlights in my hair.(understand I don't wear make up around her, I pull my hair all the way back, use a lot of hats) but....she saw it. Her reaction was what did you do. I told her I used the sun in because I was bored. She just shook her head told me it's getting too long. You need to get it cut soon. Almost showed her this picture in profile now. But I just chickened out. I was so close.
Then today she has a breakdown ( dishes has a lot of medical issues, fighting with her parents, there older live 4 states away, but physical abuse doesn't go away) Now all that is laid out there.
It's like ....just put Stephee away. Keep binding my chest Back to the same thing.....It's so hard.
Thank you also Kim, Emma, Linde, Kathy. And yes the panic attacks are very real. So is my panic over how I feel. Just crazy to have some things just set me off. Thank you all for your support.
Stephee, it's still a struggle with my wife a year and a half after telling her. Not support-wise, guilt and fear on my side!!. One of the things she told me was that she was glad I hadn't lied to her, I told her within weeks of me figuring myself out. Had I lied or covered it up for a long time, she would have left me over trust issues. This is not true for every spouse, I am simply recounting mine. It's something to consider .. what's harder, her overcoming the news? Or her overcoming the lie?
pardon the interruption Emma :) Awesome profile photo, btw!!
Thank you for the compliment Faith. I still feel very awkward.
I was thinking about the idea that I have been "lying" to my wife. The one thing I have hated over the last year is not telling my wife about the make-overs and the laser/electrolysis. She knows about the HRT and therapy. I didn't want her confronted with a "reality" that I wasn't sure was real. I was afraid to hurt her but I hate the white lies.
Now I know what I will do so I will tell her what I must do. I will make sure that she knows that I need her and want her part of my life as I go forward but no more hiding by me. I just can't do that anymore.
I am brutally afraid but she needs to know I wasn't cheating on her, I was protecting her from my indecision that, as I have shown on this thread countless times, was tearing me apart.
At least I spared her that.
I'll second what Faith said. Wasn't exactly lying to my wife but kept a lot of stuff hidden for longer than I should have, even after she knew of me being trans. Fear of her reaction and waiting for the right time to disclose things. That and all the hiding and repressing my trans issues in the past and the poor way I dealt with them has caused major trust issues for her.
Emma, must be true since everyone is is saying it, your new avatar photo looks great.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I agree with you Tonya, we were never given any tools to deal with this lifetime of hiding our fear, shame and guilt. How were we to begin to share that with our loved ones? How could we explain the inexplicable?
Those that love us are also innocent victims but we can't carry the entire blame for the world in which we were shoved.
Just like I have been processing this reality, I am trying to give my wife time to do the same. I am making my decision and she needs to make hers. In the end, that is just the way it is (and I hate it).
Maybe I am doing a lousy job but, as I said earlier to Stephee, I am doing the best I can. Hind-sight is never not fair to you, so give yourself the room to be human.
This is a rigged game and we just don't know the rules.
Hugs,
Emma
ps The only thing I like in the photo is my smile. It keeps telling me I am doing the right thing. I really need to know that. I am so afraid!
Kim its all wig and makeup...notice the man hands? ;D ;D ;D
Still a cute look! Hands and all.
I know you, and Stephee, kirstin.... Everyone is doing the best they can in facing the issues with themselves, and spouses. I know the fear, the concern, the love that drives our decisions. I hope everyone knows my thoughts and experiences are mine. I have had a great outcome. I feel lucky in that. If it helps give ideas and hope good.
You are right. I was telling my therapist that I have no rules for this. I do get support and some direction on here, but it is just one day at a time.
It's good to see the smile.
Hugs
Gina
Thanks Gina. Never apologize for being happy. You deserve it.
Separately, I just got off the phone with the office of the GCS surgeon. The first date for just consultation is September, 2020! Whoa that is a long wait! Pretty much blew me out of the water. I haven't even made the commitment to transition with my wife and now I have to wait years even if I go through with it!!!
God I just want to cry. This whole damn thing is filled with endless frustrations and pain. I really don't know if I have it in me. I really don't know where I am going to pull this strength from!
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 29, 2019, 08:02:48 AM
Thank you for the compliment Faith. I still feel very awkward.
I was thinking about the idea that I have been "lying" to my wife. The one thing I have hated over the last year is not telling my wife about the make-overs and the laser/electrolysis. She knows about the HRT and therapy. I didn't want her confronted with a "reality" that I wasn't sure was real. I was afraid to hurt her but I hate the white lies.
Now I know what I will do so I will tell her what I must do. I will make sure that she knows that I need her and want her part of my life as I go forward but no more hiding by me. I just can't do that anymore.
I am brutally afraid but she needs to know I wasn't cheating on her, I was protecting her from my indecision that, as I have shown on this thread countless times, was tearing me apart.
At least I spared her that.
I was thinking about the idea that I have been "lying" to my wife. The one thing I have hated over the last year is not telling my wife about the make-overs and the laser/electrolysis. I was afraid to hurt her but I hate the white lies.Advice is easy to give and much more difficult to consider. I think back to some of the advice I received in the past and didn't follow. They were right. That said I know it is easy for me to give my opinion but I will anyway.
I think Emma is in a good place now how she is looking at this. The thing about lying by omission is that it is still lying. Have I lied? Sadly yes but I am a good person we are all flawed. I truly believe the same of Emma. But I have read this story time and time and time again in recent years on transgender sites.
" I am going to try to ease my wife into it and hopefully with time she will be accepting". It reminds me of the analogy about putting a frog in a pot of water and slowly increasing the heat until the frog doesn't realize it is being boiled.
In short it is manipulation. Not for a sinister purpose but rather to try and get things to work out the way we want.
Wives are equal partners. Just as we deserve the truth from them they also deserve the truth from us.
In my opinion having an open and honest conversation is a scary prospect with possibly devastating results. The other options however only turn a difficult situation into a festering wound.
I do think that once everything is out in the open from both sides a period of adjustment is more than fair. Gradually changing appearance, HRT, planning surgeries, discussing how and when to come out etc etc. But these gradual changes are only fair and honest once the truth is out in the open and discussed.
Emma I am happy you are planning on following this path. Now find the courage and do it. To others - easy for me to say and hard for you to do, I realize that but search yourself. Does it sound right?
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 29, 2019, 11:39:12 AM
Thanks Gina. Never apologize for being happy. You deserve it.
Separately, I just got off the phone with the office of the GCS surgeon. The first date for just consultation is September, 2020! Whoa that is a long wait! Pretty much blew me out of the water. I haven't even made the commitment to transition with my wife and now I have to wait years even if I go through with it!!!
God I just want to cry. This whole damn thing is filled with endless frustrations and pain. I really don't know if I have it in me. I really don't know where I am going to pull this strength from!
Emma you do have it in you. Think of the pain and challenges in your life. You are still here. You are still moving forward. You will find the strength.
I did not used to consider myself a particularly strong person until other people pointed it out. Autistic kids, corporate downsizing, cancer, heart attacks, coming out as trans etc etc. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
Friends say - how do you do it? What other choice was there, I was just living my life.
We all find the strength we need when we need it. I don't know from where but it rises to the top. Emma I am convinced you can do this. Go ahead, feel worried, afraid, anxious and then go do it anyway. That is what courage is.
By the way there is no surgery to reduce 'man hands' :D ;D I have been seeing lots of giant women at work lately I mean as tall as me ( 6'2") and I mean quite a few. Whether you believe it or not you look great - and yes the smile is the best part. As for the wig - most middle age transwomen wear wigs ( yours looks great ) I lucked out on the hair thing for my age. I guess it makes up for my nose ;D :D
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 29, 2019, 07:01:37 AM
Stephee I have read your post a bunch of times. You know I feel for you!
The constant statement on this thread has been that everyone has to find their own answers. There is no way anyone can know your relationship with your wife the way that you do. I believe that you will find a way to share with your wife in the best way possible. You are doing your best!
I have tried in this massively selfish thread to try and convey how I have felt and what I was going through.
My whole fear from the beginning was hurting my wife. It has taken this long to realize that my own pain was not sustainable and that I must risk my relationship if I am to find any peace in my lifetime. Over the next week or so I will tell my wife I must transition. Even now that sounds so alien to me. Truthfully I have "chickened out" dozens of times for a multitude of reasons. My evolving transition has reached a point where I know my personal truth, inescapably.
I am glad the Gina and Moni have found a way to preserve their relationships. I hope with my heart that Kirsten can find a way to be herself and be with her partner. Frighteningly, I will soon find out my own answer with my wife.
There isn't any other way for me and I hate it.
Hugs,
Emma
It's just so hard, and then there is the later fall out of my kids....I'm glad I have support here. And I know you too are going through the same things. I feel for you.
Thanks for your words
Quote from: Faith on May 29, 2019, 07:22:54 AM
Stephee, it's still a struggle with my wife a year and a half after telling her. Not support-wise, guilt and fear on my side!!. One of the things she told me was that she was glad I hadn't lied to her, I told her within weeks of me figuring myself out. Had I lied or covered it up for a long time, she would have left me over trust issues. This is not true for every spouse, I am simply recounting mine. It's something to consider .. what's harder, her overcoming the news? Or her overcoming the lie?
pardon the interruption Emma :) Awesome profile photo, btw!!
It will happen.....just when....closest I ever came was this weekend... Almost doesn't count.
I don't want to lie. She knows somethings some truth, but not the whole truth. That I'm afraid will destroy her. Very hard.
On a positive note started my diet on Tuesday. Doing well so far...
Thanks for your kind words. I respect them and thank you for your honesty and caring.
Stephee, I share your same fear, that the whole truth will destroy my wife but I am working on strengthening my resolution and conviction.
I believe/hope that when I have the "talk' with my wife that she sees and feels my resolved conviction combined with my absolute commitment to her. Instead of me against her or Emma against her I pray with all my heart that all she sees is "us/we"!
Over the last few months I have been ripping myself apart, 24/7, trying every way possible to deny that I am transgender. I have fought every way possible to absolutely not transition. I am even fighting it now but I am running out of the strength to deny who I am as I arrive at my truth at the same time.
I married a smart, strong, loving adult and we have shared a lifetime together. We have solved many things with and for each other. I want/know/hope that she wants to be there for me and for us and that she wants to be with me.
I know I can also bring joy to her life if she stays. Today is our 38th anniversary.
Massive hug and a few tears,
Emma
Happy Anniversary Emma!
Emma it is obvious you have a wonderful marriage. I don't know your wife but from how you have described her I like your chances. :)
As I type this I hope you are having a wonderful anniversary. :)
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 30, 2019, 06:41:48 AM
Stephee, I share your same fear, that the whole truth will destroy my wife but I am working on strengthening my resolution and conviction.
I believe/hope that when I have the "talk' with my wife that she sees and feels my resolved conviction combined with my absolute commitment to her. Instead of me against her or Emma against her I pray with all my heart that all she sees is "us/we"!
Over the last few months I have been ripping myself apart, 24/7, trying every way possible to deny that I am transgender. I have fought every way possible to absolutely not transition. I am even fighting it now but I am running out of the strength to deny who I am as I arrive at my truth at the same time.
I married a smart, strong, loving adult and we have shared a lifetime together. We have solved many things with and for each other. I want/know/hope that she wants to be there for me and for us and that she wants to be with me.
I know I can also bring joy to her life if she stays. Today is our 38th anniversary.
Massive hug and a few tears,
Emma
We and us is how you hope it goes down. That's the dream. And I have been denying myself for years now. The more I think of my past the more I see it has always been there. It's scary.
I was thinking earlier today. I should write out a shorten version of my story just for therapeutic reasons. Also I have had a few ask. I just may, just to see if it's similar to others. Maybe just so I can get it all out. I truly hope you and your wife can work through it all. btw ...cute picture
Stephee I strongly recommend starting your own thread, if for no other reason then to just vent. Look how ridiculously long my selfish thread has become. Thank God everyone here is to warm, patient and willing to share otherwise both my therapist and numerous bartenders would be millionaires!
Kim and Moni thank you for your warm anniversary wishes. We had a nice evening. We have been married for 38 years and together for 43, hence my brutally long and painful battle with transitioning.
Yes, yes, yes I know Kim I have to talk with her but I am so afraid of that pain I will see in her eyes...I need that strength and conviction I keep talking about but that is easier said than done.
I keep looking for a way out...and there is none...sigh
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 30, 2019, 06:41:48 AM
Stephee, I share your same fear, that the whole truth will destroy my wife but I am working on strengthening my resolution and conviction.
I believe/hope that when I have the "talk' with my wife that she sees and feels my resolved conviction combined with my absolute commitment to her. Instead of me against her or Emma against her I pray with all my heart that all she sees is "us/we"!
Over the last few months I have been ripping myself apart, 24/7, trying every way possible to deny that I am transgender. I have fought every way possible to absolutely not transition. I am even fighting it now but I am running out of the strength to deny who I am as I arrive at my truth at the same time.
I married a smart, strong, loving adult and we have shared a lifetime together. We have solved many things with and for each other. I want/know/hope that she wants to be there for me and for us and that she wants to be with me.
I know I can also bring joy to her life if she stays. Today is our 38th anniversary.
Massive hug and a few tears,
Emma
Oh, I missed this yesterday, congratulations. Next month will be 37 for my wife and I. Yes we are having our struggles, currently most of them centered on transition (imagine that!!). Even with that our conversations and plans center on growing old together.
For better or for worse? For some, they see what I am going through/putting her through as worse for her. For others it's better. For my wife it's both. To put in context, before I came out to myself, and subsequently to her, she was getting ready to leave me - now she is staying. That says a lot for who I was and who I am now and it says a lot about who she is.
I hope that you find out the same. A strong supportive wife who loves
you, not the shell.
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 31, 2019, 08:02:14 AM
Yes, yes, yes I know Kim I have to talk with her but I am so afraid of that pain I will see in her eyes...I need that strength and conviction I keep talking about but that is easier said than done.
I keep looking for a way out...and there is none...sigh
It is far easier said than done. That is true with any form of courage. Based on the love you have for her you know she is owed the truth. Sorry for speaking the painful truth but I think that is what you want and it is what she deserves.
Huge hugs Emma.
My suggestion. You had a nice evening last night. Enjoy this weekend, do not drive yourself crazy. Putting this to the side for a couple of days is not going to change anything. Enjoy your weekend as much as you can and start facing this next week. You deserve a mental break. Just a thought.
God this is just so painful. She deserves better.
Thanks Kim for your thoughts and Faith best wishes for you and your wife.
Quote from: Stepheewt on May 30, 2019, 08:45:45 PM
We and us is how you hope it goes down. That's the dream. And I have been denying myself for years now. The more I think of my past the more I see it has always been there. It's scary.
I was thinking earlier today. I should write out a shorten version of my story just for therapeutic reasons. Also I have had a few ask. I just may, just to see if it's similar to others. Maybe just so I can get it all out. I truly hope you and your wife can work through it all. btw ...cute picture
Stephee I agree with Emma, start a thread. There are several benefits.
1. A place to vent.
2. Advice from others for you
3. As I remind Emma often there are so many people reading that don't post. Your story and our opinions give them things to consider.
Emma feels that her thread has been selfish, I always disagree. The reason it has so many views is because it prompts discussions that are helpful to others.
( well of course it is also because Emma is just so darn fascinating ;D ) Sorry Emma I have to tease you occasionally or you wouldn't know I like you , :)
Kim don't make me tell Mom... :)
Better Mom than Moni the mean sister :D
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 31, 2019, 08:02:14 AM
Stephee I strongly recommend starting your own thread, if for no other reason then to just vent. Look how ridiculously long my selfish thread has become. Thank God everyone here is to warm, patient and willing to share otherwise both my therapist and numerous bartenders would be millionaires
I understand that. Yeah I have thought about doing it. I guess I just need to find a place to start.
The more I think about it the more I now see just how long I have felt this way.
Major Denial.
Quote from: KimOct on May 31, 2019, 09:33:31 AM
Stephee I agree with Emma, start a thread. There are several benefits.
1. A place to vent.
2. Advice from others for you
3. As I remind Emma often there are so many people reading that don't post. Your story and our opinions give them things to consider.
Emma feels that her thread has been selfish, I always disagree. The reason it has so many views is because it prompts discussions that are helpful to others.
( well of course it is also because Emma is just so darn fascinating ;D ) Sorry Emma I have to tease you occasionally or you wouldn't know I like you , :)
I guess that is what has held me back(who the hell wants to hear her story)...But you might be right, I have come here before looking for like minded people situations thoughts. At worst it will let me know Im on the right track. (Hey who knows maybe I'm not really Trans, I'm just a confused idiot, who is torturing himself with hormones to get a kick) Again DENIAL....
I guess that would be easier to just be that. I know in my heart the truth.
Wow this was a flash back. I have to start reading this from the beginning to see how much I have changed.
LOL, it's good to see you posting again. I am sure as you start reading it, you'll be held in suspense waiting to see how it ends. Which begs the question, how are you doing in 2024?
This is like going back to high school and trying to recognize everyone, even yourself.
Like REM.1126, who are you?
Hi Emma,
It is great to see your old posts. So sorry I have not been posting much lately, I have been really busy with work.
I hope you are still going well.
Alice
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 05, 2024, 11:13:22 AMThis is like going back to high school and trying to recognize everyone, even yourself.
Like REM.1126, who are you?
Rachel Elizabeth Montgomery.
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
I am aware that you are having difficulty posting your Avatar/Profile photo.
Send me a Private Forum message with your avatar/profile photo,
I will try to get it posted on your profile ASAP.
HUGS, Danielle
Hi Danielle. Not to be difficult but I could find where to do a Private Forum message.
In other news...I got green-lighted by my insurance company for the orchiectomy scheduled Feb.23. Finally the moon, sun and stars are aligned!!!
You click on your profile. Good news dear, moving forward XX
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:Clear at the
top of any page you will see
"My Messages" Click it an it will take you to your
InBox.I am sending you a Forum Private Message now so that you can check it out.
I am still eager to assist you with your desire to post an Avatar/Profile photo on your profile.
HUGS,
DanielleQuote from: Emma1017 on January 12, 2024, 07:57:06 AMHi Danielle. Not to be difficult but I could find where to do a Private Forum message.
- - - - -
Thanks Danielle and Davina for the help. I finally got a photo on my profile. YAY!
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 12, 2024, 10:48:06 AMThanks Danielle and Davina for the help. I finally got a photo on my profile. YAY!
The photo on your profile looks great too!
~Jenn
Aw, thanks Jen and you look great too!
The site looks so retro, old-school. I may go play MARIO 64!
The site might as well look old school, sporting terms like "Non-op", "transsexual", and arguably "facial feminization" on its landing page. FFS is Gender Affirming Facial Surgery in WPATH 8 if you wonder why I'd include it.
Mario 64 would not be amiss.
Oh hey.. taking a day trip to the UWS side see my daughter Sunday. See ya at Zabars. ;)
~Jenn
@Emma1017 @Jenn104 Dear Emma and Jenn
*****Ladies... Heads-up please.... ....your comments about the site on this thread and postings on other threads
are not at all inspirational to the entire Forum Staff that has
been working long, long hours, day and night, with little rest,
to get it back up and running again after the New Years CRASH.
It might have been nice for our staff to read some posts and comments that include
some appreciation and regards for the tireless work of getting the site going again.
Obviously our Staff is quite aware that we have a lot more work to do...
Your patience is required. Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 12, 2024, 03:37:40 PMAw, thanks Jen and you look great too!
The site looks so retro, old-school. I may go play MARIO 64!
Quote from: Jenn104 on January 12, 2024, 04:09:10 PMThe site might as well look old school, sporting terms like "Non-op", "transsexual", and arguably "facial feminization" on its landing page. FFS is Gender Affirming Facial Surgery in WPATH 8 if you wonder why I'd include it.
Mario 64 would not be amiss.
Oh hey.. taking a day trip to the UWS side see my daughter Sunday. See ya at Zabars. ;)
~Jenn
Danielle, I am sorry that my comments seemed cruel and insensitive to you. That was clearly never my intent.
It is not my nature. I am unaware that "the entire Forum Staff that has been working long, long hours, day and night, with little rest, to get it back up and running again after the New Year's CRASH."
Of course, now that I am aware, I am extremely appreciative of their efforts as well as yours. I can't image how brutal it has been for you all.
I never post in someone's blog with the intent of causing trouble. I sincerely apologize for that to Emma. I consider her a friend and role model. I would never intentionally put drama in her space.
If the staff feels similarly put out, I also extend an apology to them.
Jenn
This is running on the old format that I remember from when I joined, lets hope it returns to the latest style soon. I think we all appreciate the hard work being done, keep the donations coming.
OK I think that Jen and I have cleared the air but Jenn I am worried about using me as a role model.... :o and there was absolutely no need to apologize to me. You didn't cause trouble. It was simply a misunderstanding.
Danielle, Devlyn said you needed help. What can any of us do?
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:Thank you for your kind reply:
The most helpful thing that you and other returning members can do is to continue to
be very active on the Forum and engage with other returning members with your reply
comments on their postings in a "positive" way....
...and if they are having any problems with their profile, postings or questions that
you can't answer....
...you can please refer them to any member of the Moderation Team for assistance.
How to contact the Forum Moderation Team https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246913.0.htmlThank you very much
Emma for your comment and kind attention.
HUGS,
DanielleQuote from: Emma1017 on January 15, 2024, 02:23:32 PMDanielle, Devlyn said you needed help. What can any of us do?
This past week I was struggling with my gender dysphoria again.
It was a brutal!
I still have to stay stealthy male for very valid, personal reasons. Just accept that it is the right choice for me under the circumstances, but it does cause extreme distress periodically for me.
It happened again last week.
I got emotionally very dark. I stopped writing. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I viciously attacked the image I saw there. My thoughts were dominated by self-doubt and self-criticism. It was a full-blown gender dysphoria explosion.
It is miserable.
I sent an email to my therapist. I needed to share, and she has always been there for me. I told her I felt numb. I no longer felt like writing or corresponding with friends online. That night I just went to bed at 8 pm. I just wanted to shut down.
In the morning, she wrote back, "Are you still feeling numb this morning? It sounds like things feel pretty awful right now... numbness is very painful. That sounds really lonely."
I responded that I felt like I was alone in a crowd of people and she responded, "That's a particularly terrible form of loneliness."
I agreed.
I hate wallowing in misery and I hate drama, particularly my own. After that email exchange, I committed to do something to change my journey down a very dark hole. I needed to do something that was totally and selfishly for Emma, for me. I made an appointment to get my hair done...noticed I didn't say "hair cut". Guys do that and I am not a guy. I wanted to get my hair done! I wanted to be around women. I needed to be around women who knew me as me, as Emma, so I made my appointment for the next day.
I have been going to the same hair stylist for four years. I originally searched for a hair salon that was transgender-friendly. That was how I found Michelle and she has been great. She has been my confidant, my defender, and my friend. From the start, she shared that she had a transgender boyfriend and a transgender niece. Over the years, I got to know the other stylists who also became friends.
Before I walked into the appointment, I put on my makeup in the car. My clothes were androgynous enough, but I put on jewelry to change the look. I walked the block to the studio and walked in the door. I was greeted with a collective "Hi, Emma!".
I was home again.
As soon as I sat down in the chair, Michelle looked me in the eye and said "What's wrong?" She instinctively knew I was hurting. I told her that all I see is a guy with makeup. She immediately scolded me, "That's ridiculous! Every time you come in the other stylists always talk later about how cute you looked. Believe me, we can be very honest when we are alone in the back about the various customers we have. Trust me, we all agree that you are very cute and we love your smile. Stop being so silly. So how are we cutting your hair today?"
Instantaneously, the dark mood I had been carrying for over a week lifted. While she was trimming my hair, another stylist, who had given me makeup lessons two years earlier, came over and said "Emma, I love how your makeup looks! It looks better every time you come in." She then showed us a makeup tool she had discovered for doing eyeliner that she started using for brides' makeup. The conversation just flowed from there.
It was so natural, and it was perfect.
It is all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be one of the girls, not an outsider, not the "sensitive guy", not the transgender woman, just me.
I liked being Emma again. My smile came back.
Hi Emma,
Thanks for sharing. It is a fact that we place a lot of value in how we look and how others perceive us.
Marion
Hi Emma,
I am so happy you were able to reverse the GD. Oh how I can relate to your situation girl. DM en route.
Hugs,
Brooke
Quote from: Maid Marion on January 21, 2024, 10:06:23 AMIt is a fact that we place a lot of value in how we look and how others perceive us.
"There are no facts, only interpretations." Friedrich Nietzsche
Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 21, 2024, 10:37:39 AM"There are no facts, only interpretations." Friedrich Nietzsche
If you share what you admire about others, you might find yourself connecting more.Maybe I just don't have the skills needed to do that?
Seems like I'm wasting my time whenever I try. Maybe there is no try? Just do or do not?
Emma - so glad you're feeling better!
I hope the lesson people take away from that isn't something to do with appearance - but instead based on kindness and interpersonal connection.
As your therapist rightly said, Emma, you were deeply lonely — and it was the warmth and connection with the stylist that pulled you out of the spiral.
I'm sure you did look good, by the way, but people see friends, family, clients and co-workers looking good, doing good, etc on a daily basis and don't often enough say something.
But you entered the establishment looking very down, and these kind and caring people knew instinctively the ways to share a connection with you, and lift your spirits.
It's always wonderful to know there are people in the world like that.
Love,
Allie
Quote from: Maid Marion on January 21, 2024, 10:52:33 AM If you share what you admire about others, you might find yourself connecting more.
Maybe I just don't have the skills needed to do that?
Seems like I'm wasting my time whenever I try. Maybe there is no try? Just do or do not?
MM, you know that I don't put much effort into my appearance. So, when you wrote, "...we place a lot of value in how we look...." and defined that as a fact, I thought, "Not me."
You recently stated, MM, that your purpose at Susan's is to share a different way of being trans...and you do, so I get that. I quoted Nietzsche to say that I have a different way too. I'm sorry if that stung you.
Imallie this is very true:
"these kind and caring people knew instinctively the ways to share a connection with you, and lift your spirits."
That is exactly what happened. I was in a safe place with people I trust to simply be me unfiltered.
My orchiectomy is on February 23 and I am excited. I'm all set with the insurance and I scheduled time off from work. Other than my wife and you all, I am not telling anyone because it is none of their business. ;D
I guess my excitement for the surgery proves to me that I am transgender...as if I really needed any.
Best of wishes dear and stay off the push bike for a bit!!
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 26, 2024, 01:34:36 PMMy orchiectomy is on February 23 and I am excited. I'm all set with the insurance and I scheduled time off from work. Other than my wife and you all, I am not telling anyone because it is none of their business. ;D
Emma,
Wishing you the best on your surgery.
And you are correct, it is none of their business. I only told a handful of close friends that were going to provide support during recovery. My coworkers only knew I was going to be out for a while to recover from surgery. Since
Ellen
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 26, 2024, 01:34:36 PMMy orchiectomy is on February 23 and I am excited. I'm all set with the insurance and I scheduled time off from work. Other than my wife and you all, I am not telling anyone because it is none of their business. ;D
I guess my excitement for the surgery proves to me that I am transgender...as if I really needed any.
It is indeed no one else's business! I know you'll be happy to have one less thing to worry about, well, two things. It also opens up a few more clothing options, and crossing your legs will be much more comfortable. I hope everything goes well.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Thank you Davina, Ellen and Jessica. Fingers crossed!!!
Hi Emma and a huge congrats on your upcoming surgery!!! This has to be an exquisite moment of affirmation for you! I am so happy for you!!!
Warmly,
Brooke
Thanks Brooke. Here among you all is the only place where people appreciate how important that surgery is.
Quote from: Emma1017 on January 28, 2024, 11:03:28 AMHere among you all is the only place where people appreciate how important that surgery is.
So true girl! Our desire to cast away the trappings of CIS male privilege like yesterday's taco wrappers is uniquely trans. While 98% of men are running in fear, we are inquiring about a group rate.
I hope it does well and you are happy with the results.
Thanks Rachel. Maybe I can play soccer again and not worry :D .
I hope so. But at our age, you might consider not playing. I tore my ACL thinking I was still young.
But, more generally, I hope that it is as emotionally satisfying as ...I would imagine.
Thanks Rachel. It is truly meaningful to me.
Being transgender is truly a unique human experience.
Today I had to wear a suit and tie to work. It was for a client's memorial. It was an honor to do it because we had worked together for 30 years and he was an incredible human being but the suit felt so strange. COVID changed the work rules and five years on HRT have changed me. I wear a dress shirt and slacks to work now but the suit felt so much more alien. It felt like a costume. I hated wearing it. It was not me.
I think, like so many of us who have to pass as male every day for so many different reasons, the sense of who I am is hidden in the shadows of who I have to be. I have chosen this path and I am not complaining, we all have had tough decisions to make, but the suit and tie today drove home the point that I am never going backward again.
I may have compromised but I have not surrendered.
Emma,
I know how you feel. Before I was able to transition each time, I had to see a customer or go into the corporate office I felt like an imposter.
I am happy t hear that you have not surrendered.
Lots of hugs
Ellen
I empathize with you. It's one of those things you sort of have to have GD to understand, and if you do have it, you get it.
I had to wear a suit to my first grandchild's christening under orders from the now ex, last time I did as it and all my old gear went to the charity shop. Wore a posh frock to the next ones no problem!
I still have my suit hanging in the closet but it and all my male cloths are to be donated soon. I feel for you having to keep switching identities. I had a court appearance 6 months ago and went male(ok endogenous) and felt so uncomfortable. I will never do that again.
Gina
We all have our "male clothes" stories. It's amazing how similar the stories are. I agree, Rachel, if you have gender dysphoria, you understand.
Separately, this was announced yesterday:
"Will & Harper," a heartfelt and heartbreaking documentary about Will Ferrell's cross-country road trip with his best friend Harper Steele, who recently came out as transgender, sold to Netflix after its Sundance Film Festival debut."
I am looking forward to seeing it!
Hi Emma,
Glad you made it through the suit situation. Like you and the other ladies have said, if you suffer from GD you understand just how triggering these things are. If I have to wear a pair of wingtips one more time I am going to blow an O-ring!
Thanks for the heads up on the movie, I look forward to watching!
Warmly,
Brooke
Brooke, I absolutely agree. Men's clothes, particularly suits, are so triggering!!! I am looking forward to that movie as well!
I changed my avatar photo because it always makes me laugh. My friend wanted to take my picture and she was trying to get me to pose. She kept yelling "Open up your eyes more". I tried and she captured my frustration in that moment. Definitely not the "Emma" smile that my therapist always notices when I am me...maybe this photo is more realistic... ;D
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 04, 2024, 09:47:54 AMBrooke, I absolutely agree. Men's clothes, particularly suits, are so triggering!!! I am looking forward to that movie as well!
I changed my avatar photo because it always makes me laugh. My friend wanted to take my picture and she was trying to get me to pose. She kept yelling "Open up your eyes more". I tried and she captured my frustration in that moment. Definitely not the "Emma" smile that my therapist always notices when I am me...maybe this photo is more realistic... ;D
Love the photo Emma! Very cute, very fun!
Hugs,
Brooke
Brooke it is definitely me. The other photos touch my soul. This one touches my reality. She was driving me crazy!!!!
I had my final review with the surgeon yesterday. Everything is a go. I am actually excited...I guess I AM transgender ;D.
My wife's only concern is that in her mind it is elective surgery and there always the danger in any surgery.
Also, the hospital is down the road from the hospital where my son died of leukemia..so many bad memories for us, so my surgery is a trigger for her. Other than that she is fully supporting me.
Hi Emma,
Good luck with the surgery!
Marion
Emma,
Best of luck with the surgery. I am also very happy to hear that your wife is being supportive.
Hugs
Ellen
Thank you so much Marion and Ellen. I truly can't wait. Every day when I take my spironolactone pill I feel the count down. I start with a new endocrinologist on Monday and I want to hear what her recommendations are for estradiol going forward.
I just shared this with Davina on her blog and I figured it fit here, given my up-coming surgery.
Last Wednesday, waiting for my pre-surgical meeting, I texted this to my therapist, Molly:
"I am sitting here waiting for my pre-orchiectomy appointment wondering why I am doing all of this?"
She wrote back:
"It's normal to question these big decisions. It's totally fine to feel ambivalent about it all. I am curious how you will feel after the meeting with the doctor and in the coming days..."
A few hours after my meeting with the surgeon, I wrote:
"I'm excited to have the surgery!"
That absolutely answers any doubts I have whether I am transgender or not. As Molly said to me yesterday:
"Well you certainly are not cisgender..." with a smile on her face. :D
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 10, 2024, 09:48:39 AMI just shared this with Davina on her blog and I figured it fit here, given my up-coming surgery.
Last Wednesday, waiting for my pre-surgical meeting, I texted this to my therapist, Molly:
"I am sitting here waiting for my pre-orchiectomy appointment wondering why I am doing all of this?"
She wrote back:
"It's normal to question these big decisions. It's totally fine to feel ambivalent about it all. I am curious how you will feel after the meeting with the doctor and in the coming days..."
A few hours after my meeting with the surgeon, I wrote:
"I'm excited to have the surgery!"
That absolutely answers any doubts I have whether I am transgender or not. As Molly said to me yesterday:
"Well you certainly are not cisgender..." with a smile on her face. :D
Hi Emma,
Not sure about you but as painful as GD is, it has always been a reliable compass pointing toward my true north. However, when fear and anxiety dominate my thoughts the GD will go into remission which then leads to self doubt. Then the fears get alleviated and whispers of my identity or sparks of GD return both pointing to the only path to follow. Reading your post it seems we are very similar in these experiences.
I was never in doubt about my surgery, it turned out just how I felt my body should have been. Best wishes dear, swift recovery. XXX
Brooke, it always amazes me how all of our lives are on a similar path when we all thought we were traveling alone.
Davina thank you for your support. It means a lot....two weeks and counting! ;D
Emma, Not only will your clothes fit better, but I'm sure you will be much happier when don't have to lug these around everywhere you go...
Love always -- Jess
(https://i.imgur.com/r0B5DwC.jpg)
And emotionally they feel even bigger Jess. :o ;D
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!
.......................GROUP HUG!!!........................
Happy Valentine's Day Emma!
Chrissy
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 10, 2024, 03:50:25 PMEmma, Not only will your clothes fit better, but I'm sure you will be much happier when don't have to lug these around everywhere you go...
Love always -- Jess
(https://i.imgur.com/r0B5DwC.jpg)
I may get rid of the balls too but will keep the bag.
Chrissy
Emma,
I think you like tights. I tried them for the first time today. I think they are okay, these are black.
Have a good week!
Chrissy
Thanks for the thoughts Chrissy.
I have one week to go and everything is all set. I am working from home until then. I am staying off the NYC subway system. It's like a moving Petri dish of viral infections. Last thing I need is to catch something from a homeless person or pretty much anyone else for that matter.
I have told anyone who asked that I am having elective surgery to remove a growth. Satisfied the questioner and makes me laugh inside.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 16, 2024, 09:33:40 PMI have told anyone who asked that I am having elective surgery to remove a growth. Satisfied the questioner and makes me laugh inside.
Emma,
Love your description of your surgery. Could not describe it better 🤣
Best of luck next week
Ellen
Thanks Ellen. "Removing a growth" is exactly how I feel about the surgery!
Final medical clearance tomorrow! YAY!
Just some random thoughts this morning as I get ready for surgery Friday:
For the first year after being diagnosed as transgender, I desperately sought out the cure. There had to be one.
What if I increased my testosterone? Nope, that only made my gender dysphoria worse. It was the wrong "gasoline" for my brain.
What if I focused only on "guy" stuff? Nope, did a lifetime of that. Doubling down didn't eliminate the core reality: I felt female.
How do I know I am female? How does anyone know their gender? You just know. Human genitalia is not gender.
What if I prayed? Nope. Tried that. God's got more important problems, and besides, She already gave me the answer: I am transgender.
What if I found a better diagnosis, one that would counter the multiple ones that said I was transgender? Nope, that's called conversion therapy. It's like doing surgery with a sledgehammer. The results are ugly and ineffective.
What is gender? A very huge area of controversy. I am taking the shortcut; I just know my gender is female. Thank you, Mr. Descartes.*
What is a woman? Oh, I am not going down that rabbithole. I accept humanity has infinite variations of what is a human. I will apply that same logic to infinite variations of being a woman.
Does that make me a woman? Yes, I am, given my answer above. I believe that I am a variation of that theme.
After days, months, and years of searching for the cure, I realized not only wasn't there a cure, there was nothing to cure.
I am simply transgender.
That's it.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 19, 2024, 09:31:17 AMThanks Ellen. "Removing a growth" is exactly how I feel about the surgery!
Final medical clearance tomorrow!
YAY!
Hey! Emma!
Congrats and good luck. I'll be thinking of you and cheering for you. I hope everything goes well from here to surgery and after.
~Jenn
Thanks all for the on-going support. This is the only place I can share this news and know that people will understand why I am happy with this surgery scheduled tomorrow. :)
I'm thinking a good thought for you, Emma.
Wishing the best results for you Emma.
Chrissy
Thank you O&C and Chrissy. 😊❤️
Hi Emma
Sorry I was thanking and liking posts 5+ years ago. Then I realized, you have come a long way since then. I'm so happy that you thrived.
Best wishes and hugs
Sarah H
PS I will talk to my brain and eyes.
PSS I also send my best wishes and speedy recovery from your surgery
Thinking of you today, best wishes me dear XXX
Sarah thank you for you your support. We all need that on this incredible journey! I also loved your own story on your blog. So many parallels in everyone's stories. It is amazing the we get to compare and contrast our experiences with each other on our blogs.
Thanks for thinking of me Davina. Surgery is at 2pm today and all I can say is "It's about time!". ;D
I guess by now you are already through surgery. I hope everything went well and you are already on your path of recovery.
Hugs,
Heidemarie
Yes Iz, home now and ate a double egg sandwich...starved. All that is left is healing...Sooo Happy!!!
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 23, 2024, 05:59:27 PMYes Iz, home now and ate a double egg sandwich...starved. All that is left is healing...Sooo Happy!!!
Wooo Hooo! Congratulations.
Jenn
Emma,
Congratulations, wish you a speedy recovery
Ellen
Thanks Jenn and Ellen. YAY!!!!!❤️❤️❤️
Congrats Emma!
Now just rest and recuperate!!!
A double egg sandwich sounds great. I hope you're sleeping now.
Thanks Allie. My wife has been yelling at me in a good way to lay down and stop going up and down the stairs. She is of course, right. The surgeon gave her the rule book.😊
O&C the egg sandwich tasted great! I actually got a good nights sleep and when I woke up, my wife had fresh coffee, a banana muffin and the newspaper on the table for me.
She is wonderful and worth everything everthing we have done to stay together. ❤️
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 24, 2024, 07:43:30 AMThanks Allie. My wife has been yelling at me in a good way to lay down and stop going up and down the stairs. She is of course, right. The surgeon gave her the rule book.😊
O&C the egg sandwich tasted great! I actually got a good nights sleep and when I woke up, my wife had fresh coffee, a banana muffin and the newspaper on the table for me.
She is wonderful and worth everything everthing we have done to stay together. ❤️
Hi Emma!
Wow, I am so happy that the surgery went well. It sure sounds like your wife is taking very good care of you! I can only imagine the relief you are feeling, I am so very happy for you Emma!
Warm Hugs,
Brooke
Thank you Brooke I can always use a hug! It has a been a huge relief on so many levels.
Five years ago I thought we were divorcing after 42 years of absolute love. It tore me apart. Strangely when Susan's system crash and they brought back my posts from, it reminded me how far we have come as a couple.
Separately, I have waited a lifetime to rid myself of my something I have been tucking since I even knew they were there. Fairly they did give me two beautiful sons and a loving family, so arguably it was worth the wait....but the wait is OVER!!!!!😁
I have a sense of finally feeling closer to me even if I am compromising to be we with my wife❤️.
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 24, 2024, 08:46:35 AMThank you Brooke I can always use a hug! It has a been a huge relief on so many levels.
Five years ago I thought we were divorcing after 42 years of absolute love. It tore me apart. Strangely when Susan's system crash and they brought back my posts from, it reminded me how far we have come as a couple.
Separately, I have waited a lifetime to rid myself of my something I have been tucking since I even knew they were there. Fairly they did give me two beautiful sons and a loving family, so arguably it was worth the wait....but the wait is OVER!!!!!😁
I have a sense of finally feeling closer to me even if I am compromising to be we with my wife❤️.
You and I are paddling in the same "compromise canoe". And like you, I am not ready to give up our years marriage, which oddly enough are very close to the same amount of time as you. If our lives were different and we were able to make decisions long before these relationships were forged I'm sure our GCS experiences would be a long and distant memory. But, life had other plans and here we are.
Injury necessitated that one of mine was removed, just getting rid of one of them was an amazing experience. I can only dream of sending the other one packing!
Cheers Girl!
Good news dear, hope its not painful . Look after the missis ,give her a hug from meXXX
I am glad the procedure went well Emma, and I hope that the pain will be tolerable for you.
Chrissy
So far so good. On double Tylenol and staying away from the heavier stuff. Just threw out my leftover spiro pills with joy!
It is funny that put me in a jock strap for support. That will be another history.
Brook, the two sons and decades of family were worth it. Given world in the 70's and 80's, life for trans women was filled with greater hate, less healthcare, more poverty and AIDS. I think I got a better deal than those pioneers.
Davina I will absolutely take you up on that hug offer. She deserves it!
Chrissy pain kid totally bearable vs my happiness. Red wine in two more days.
I hope everything went well.
Emma, how are you feeling?
Surprisingly good O&C, thank you for asking, and very happy. It was the right choice and it feels right. :D
All good news!
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 23, 2024, 05:59:27 PMYes Iz, home now and ate a double egg sandwich...starved. All that is left is healing...Sooo Happy!!!
congrattulations Emma. Hugs
Mariah
O&C I am surprised how quickly I am recovering. I am still following the doctors orders. I don't want to pop a stitch, but I stopped Tylenol yesterday.
Mariah thanks so much. It is great to move on!
Wow, two weeks after surgery and I feel great, physically and emotionally. I know I took the easier path by just doing an orchiectomy but it was enough of a solution for my emotional need aka gender dysphoria and my life with my wife. Yes, I wish I could have done the complete job but it is a decision I can live with. I love how pants fit. No bulge. Yay!
I can start working out next week and I have arranged for a women's only gym. I told them that I was a preop transgender woman and they were very welcoming. I am looking forward to it because it give me a chance to meet other women as me, not as a guy. I would really just love to have female friends and this is a great chance.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 02, 2024, 07:54:01 AMWow, two weeks after surgery and I feel great, physically and emotionally. I know I took the easier path by just doing an orchiectomy but it was enough of a solution for my emotional need aka gender dysphoria and my life with my wife. Yes, I wish I could have done the complete job but it is a decision I can live with. I love how pants fit. No bulge. Yay!
I can start working out next week and I have arranged for a women's only gym. I told them that I was a preop transgender woman and they were very welcoming. I am looking forward to it because it give me a chance to meet other women as me, not as a guy. I would really just love to have female friends and this is a great chance.
Hi Emma!
Such a great report to read first thing this morning!! I'm so happy this went well for you and I can totally relate to the desire for a women's only gym and the desire for female to female friendship. I am considering your surgical compromise for myself. One is already gone so I might was well finish the job!
This may be too personal of a question, but how invasive was the surgery? When I had the one done they called the procedure a "radical orchiectomy". And it was indeed radical as they removed all kinds of things in addition to the "lad". I would think a non-radical orchi would be much simpler and less invasive. I'm sure it's more than chasing me around the room with a melon baller and a bottle of vodka but I would hope it would still be easier!
Hugs,
Brooke
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 02, 2024, 07:54:01 AMWow, two weeks after surgery and I feel great, physically and emotionally. I know I took the easier path by just doing an orchiectomy but it was enough of a solution for my emotional need aka gender dysphoria and my life with my wife. Yes, I wish I could have done the complete job but it is a decision I can live with. I love how pants fit. No bulge. Yay!
I can start working out next week and I have arranged for a women's only gym. I told them that I was a preop transgender woman and they were very welcoming. I am looking forward to it because it give me a chance to meet other women as me, not as a guy. I would really just love to have female friends and this is a great chance.
Emma,
As your topic's name states in part, we now know what hurts less.
Chrissy
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 02, 2024, 07:54:01 AMI am looking forward to it because it give me a chance to meet other women as me, not as a guy. I would really just love to have female friends and this is a great chance.
We so understand. As my sweetheart dares to present as herself in public, we're delighted as we notice how differently people respond to her.
Like the lady at the grocery store who comfortably asked her what she does with all of that coconut milk.
Or the lady in the parking lot who scanned her and then looked her in the eye and smiled.
Or the woman who passed her in the hallway and warmly smiled.
The world is much friendlier to her as a woman than it was to him when he was trying to be a man.
Brooke it is still surgery so I suspect you need to go through the whole process for half the result. No discounts. ;D
Chrissy the origin of my blog title five years ago (yikes that seems so long ago) was, hurting my wife to transition or hurting myself if I don't. I hope that we both got something worthwhile in the process. Separately, I told the surgeon I was impressed at how painless the recovery was. The most painful part was the nasty bruise from the IV needle on the top of my hand.
Moonflower, that is exactly what I want!!! I am sooo tired of the macho man machismo and misogyny nonsense. I just want to fit in and be Emma where I can to give me some balance as I keep up the man facade. It gets rough sometimes but it is worth the compromise.
OK its been three weeks since my orchiectomy and here is my update:
I couldn't be happier. The healing and recovery have been great. I love how pants feel. Tucking is no longer a major undertaking. I joined a women's gym and bought yoga legging shorts to wear. I made an appointment to get my hair colored less white/gray next week. I hope I don't chicken out
What has been the most unexpected has been on the sexual side. I don't want to be insultingly crude here but I was very concerned about the post-surgery impact. Here are my clinical observations: Erections still happen, arousal is surprisingly stronger versus pre-surgery and orgasms seem more intense. All of this was totally unexpected. Not sure it will last but so far so good.
Everything surpassed my expectations and my fears. I really appreciate that for a change. ;D
As I recall, your wife is a lot like mine, so how is she coping with the changes?
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 08, 2024, 10:57:19 AMOK its been three weeks since my orchiectomy and here is my update:
I couldn't be happier. The healing and recovery have been great. I love how pants feel. Tucking is no longer a major undertaking. I joined a women's gym and bought yoga legging shorts to wear. I made an appointment to get my hair colored less white/gray next week. I hope I don't chicken out
What has been the most unexpected has been on the sexual side. I don't want to be insultingly crude here but I was very concerned about the post-surgery impact. Here are my clinical observations: Erections still happen, arousal is surprisingly stronger versus pre-surgery and orgasms seem more intense. All of this was totally unexpected. Not sure it will last but so far so good.
Everything surpassed my expectations and my fears. I really appreciate that for a change. ;D
Emma,
That all sounds very good. Have a wonderful weekend.
Chrissy
Rachel as you know I have decided to compromise how far I will transition because of the love my wife and I have for each other. So far it is working for us. It relies on me separating my life into two pieces: Emma and him. It also works for me professionally as I ease my son into my practice.
The challenge is to find enough moments to be me, Emma, and I feel like it seems to be working. It gets rough sometimes but I accept that as the price of having my cake and eating it too. By joining the women's gym and being accepted is a huge step. I hope to build some friendships where I am just Emma.
To answer your question, my wife seems at least reconciled to the fact that I am transgender whether I, she, or we want otherwise. Getting an orchiectomy is not to be done lightly and is a clear indication that I am not cisgender.
She supported me through the whole surgical process. Sure she is not happy but she loves me and we laugh together every day. She still has her best friend and she doesn't need to deal with the ugly reactions of neighbors and family if I came out. I am protecting her from it all because she doesn't deserve the public grief that I could handle if it was just me.
OK let's get sex out of the way. We stopped years ago. I rely on solo alternatives. It works for me. Frankly, orgasms are great but I never felt comfortable with the "guy" role. No surprise huh?
Enough said there.
I am sharing all of these personal details because I want to help others on different parts of this transgender journey like I was helped way back in the beginning of mine.
Rachel I truly hope that you and your wife can negotiate all this and still be together. I know that you are stuck in a rough place with your family and community. Stay tough, breathe and find all the joy that you deserve!
Chrissy, as always, thank you for being my cheerleader. I hope you have a wonderful weekend as well!
Thank you for your reply.
My marriage isn't so different from yours. We haven't had sex in so many years, I can't remember when it was. And, I understand the internal conflict associated with sex in the wrong body. It's hard to describe, but most of us here have felt it too.
I am struggling to find the best solution to my management of GD, but that's nothing new. It's the story of my life. Sometimes, I think maybe a lot of us fight it until we are exhausted, and then we do the rational thing and stop fighting it.
Rachel I feel the pain of what you are going through. We all know the misery of it all. I don't anyone who has said: "Being transgender is the best thing in the world!" The reality is, we were never asked nor given a choice.
Take time to be good to yourself.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 09, 2024, 09:44:46 AMRachel as you know I have decided to compromise how far I will transition because of the love my wife and I have for each other. So far it is working for us. It relies on me separating my life into two pieces: Emma and him. It also works for me professionally as I ease my son into my practice.
The challenge is to find enough moments to be me, Emma, and I feel like it seems to be working. It gets rough sometimes but I accept that as the price of having my cake and eating it too. By joining the women's gym and being accepted is a huge step. I hope to build some friendships where I am just Emma.
To answer your question, my wife seems at least reconciled to the fact that I am transgender whether I, she, or we want otherwise. Getting an orchiectomy is not to be done lightly and is a clear indication that I am not cisgender.
She supported me through the whole surgical process. Sure she is not happy but she loves me and we laugh together every day. She still has her best friend and she doesn't need to deal with the ugly reactions of neighbors and family if I came out. I am protecting her from it all because she doesn't deserve the public grief that I could handle if it was just me.
OK let's get sex out of the way. We stopped years ago. I rely on solo alternatives. It works for me. Frankly, orgasms are great but I never felt comfortable with the "guy" role. No surprise huh?
Enough said there.
I am sharing all of these personal details because I want to help others on different parts of this transgender journey like I was helped way back in the beginning of mine.
Rachel I truly hope that you and your wife can negotiate all this and still be together. I know that you are stuck in a rough place with your family and community. Stay tough, breathe and find all the joy that you deserve!
Chrissy, as always, thank you for being my cheerleader. I hope you have a wonderful weekend as well!
Emma,
It is clear that you make significant sacrifices and that your wife loves you and has some level of tolerance for your needs. Compromises appear to be continued to try to make the best of the situation.
I am wishing both of you the best. Transitioning is full of hardships and there are joys.
Hugs,
Chrissy
Emma,
Keep a positive attitude and let everyone see your nice smile.
Best,
Chrissy
Still juggling my female gender and male gender presentation act.
Tuesday was a study in point. I woke up and dressed male professional for work. Came home and changed into male workout clothes. Drove to my hair appointment and slipped into a dress and makeup in the car (Clark Kent had it easier in a phone booth but there aren't any around anymore). Got my hair done as Emma, loving every minute of it. Got back in my car and drove to my first workout in a women's only gym that accepted me. Slipped off my dress in the car because I had my yoga outfit under my dress. Had a great first workout post-surgery. Got back in my car, put on my male workout sweats, wiped off my makeup and drove home.
Insane huh? :o ::) :D
Yes there is something to be said about full time.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 16, 2024, 04:56:43 PMStill juggling my female gender and male gender presentation act.
My wife is attempting to outgrow something similar. She's doing great wearing dresses when she feels like it . . . until she needs to use a bathroom and only gendered ones are available within reason. Our plan is for me to accompany her the first several times. It will have to be in places that are unpopulated so she can feel safe, and sure that no one will be discomforted by her presence and lack of ease in the unfamiliar environment.
In the meantime, she has a pair of men's sweat pants in the car that fit over her dresses. I can't imagine how she manages all of the layers at the urinals, but she says that no one notices.
Fortunately, Moonflower, the rule in the men's room is when you stand at a urinal is to mind your own business and stare ahead. A wandering eye will get you beaten up for being gay. Some bars post sports pages on the wall in front of the urinals to give you something to read while you pee.
OK, this has been a strange week.
For the last couple of days, I have felt like I was having transgender hot flashes. Not the kind cisgender women have that causes intense heat and sweat. This has been like getting hit by an ocean wave of gender emotion. It is a much more pleasant sensation than gender dysphoria. All I want around me are other women. Watching TV, I feel a massive connection to the female characters. I have spent a higher than normal time checking out fashion on the internet. Driving in my car I have searched out "Girls just wanna have fun" and "Man I feel like a woman" on the radio. I daydreamed about a girl's night out, drinking shots of tequila and dancing until the sun came up.
It has all been more intense than normal. This definitely a weird week...
Has anyone else experienced this?
Connection matters to me, Emma. For decades, it was working with children, but then I grew old and creaky and can no longer keep up with children. Now it's pals and pooches. However, I also enjoy being alone in the woods and on the water. Balance is best.
O&C, it is hard to explain.
This has been a week of above-normal connection to everything female around me. It has felt like a deep female resonance.
It is pleasant but it feels like when that buzz you get after that last drink. Hormone overload?
I have always dreamt of that kind of experience, Emma.
I'm just back off holiday where we met a small group of girls along with a couple of their boyfriends. We got invited to join them for a night out, singing and dancing to those two songs, amongst others.
It was such a joyful experience, whilst the males sat looking awkward. Sadly, the bar shut at 11pm.
To quote Elbow "one day like this a year will see me right"
When I think of female connection, I think of being with other women and hearing their stories, but not just any woman. Some women are dreadful storytellers, as are some men. And I don't just think of female connection requiring other women. I love how men relate to me. Dogs and children too.
I have had several dog owners say, "My dog really loves you. She only loves women, but she really loves you."
Dogs can suss us out with a sniff.
In Allie's blog, Davina mentioned her drag racing and Sarah B her lifesaving. Allie and I both asked for more info, which is what socially successful women do. Curiosity and connection are key to socially succeed.
Allie once observed that she knows all her stories and so would rather hear than tell. I'm the same way. I'm told all my stories. To tell them again bores me. So, I ask questions.
Of course, Allie's a journalist and I am too and if you're not curious, you should quit journalism and scan bar codes.
Hi EmmaYou said:
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 17, 2024, 07:49:28 AMFortunately, Moonflower, the rule in the men's room is when you stand at a urinal is to mind your own business and stare ahead. A wandering eye will get you beaten up for being gay. Some bars post sports pages on the wall in front of the urinals to give you something to read while you pee.
Ever since I left school, I was thinking as usual I wanted or longed to be female and as is mentioned to others, do things that are female or feminine orientated. Well, I knew females always sat down on the toilet and till this day, I have always sat down, when I needed to go to wee. Yes, there was the occasional exception.
I hated the smell of men's urinals and just another reason to sit down in a cubicle. My mum said to me one time, (the bathroom was next to mum's bedroom), "why do you sit down?" well I said; "it's dark at night and I don't have to worry about missing!"
Love and HugsSarah B
I've always had an easy time connecting with children.
I have a lot of lower body strength so I can lower myself to see them eye to eye.
That strength helps me with gardening activities.
My Transgender Manifesto
Happy Transgender Day of Visibility
-I will no longer be ashamed of being transgender.
-I will no longer feel any guilt nor will I let anyone make me feel guilty. This is not a choice for me. They can choose to leave me but I can't. It is who and what I am. Everyone else will need to accept it.
-I will change whatever I need to feel like me. It is not vanity, I need to be able to finally see me.
-I will stop being mean to myself. I am a good person and I deserve to be treated better by me.
-I will like myself. I have so many good qualities. I need to see them and value them.
-I will do all I can to help everyone in my life understand. Society has kept them as blind as it has kept me about the truth of what being transgender is.
-I will laugh. Transition can be fun if I am willing to laugh at myself and see the humor that transitioning is bringing to my life.
-I will not internalize the haters or the ignorant.
-I will fight for acceptance. I am worthy and I bring worth to the world.
-I will not be bullied.
-I will expect to be treated equally and with respect. This is not negotiable.
-I will accept my imperfections.
-I will be happy. I waited a lifetime to get here.
-I will have joy and will share it with anyone who will let me.Dedicated to all my transgender, LGBTQ, and cisgender friends who helped me get here. I found out I am never alone.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 31, 2024, 08:38:44 AMMy Transgender Manifesto
Happy Transgender Day of Visibility
-I will no longer be ashamed of being transgender.
-I will no longer feel any guilt nor will I let anyone make me feel guilty. This is not a choice for me. They can choose to leave me but I can't. It is who and what I am. Everyone else will need to accept it.
-I will change whatever I need to feel like me. It is not vanity, I need to be able to finally see me.
-I will stop being mean to myself. I am a good person and I deserve to be treated better by me.
-I will like myself. I have so many good qualities. I need to see them and value them.
-I will do all I can to help everyone in my life understand. Society has kept them as blind as it has kept me about the truth of what being transgender is.
-I will laugh. Transition can be fun if I am willing to laugh at myself and see the humor that transitioning is bringing to my life.
-I will not internalize the haters or the ignorant.
-I will fight for acceptance. I am worthy and I bring worth to the world.
-I will not be bullied.
-I will expect to be treated equally and with respect. This is not negotiable.
-I will accept my imperfections.
-I will be happy. I waited a lifetime to get here.
-I will have joy and will share it with anyone who will let me.
Dedicated to all my transgender, LGBTQ, and cisgender friends who helped me get here. I found out I am never alone.
Happy TDOV Emma!
Remember-- Joy is a form of resistence, maybe the best form of resistence.
~Jenn
Thank you, Jenn and Happy TDOV too!!!
I love this: "Remember-- Joy is a form of resistance, maybe the best form of resistance."
Getting ready for the eclipse on Monday. I have the special glasses and it's crazy but the best place to see it in New York City is the cemetery where our son is buried. My wife and I couldn't think of a better place to be for that event at 3:25 pm on Monday.
It makes it extra special and he would have appreciated it.