"You can surprise yourself today by speaking out about a sensitive topic that is close to your heart. Youre not one to reveal your feelings unless youve given it a lot of thought first. However, the energy could shift so quickly that you may be in the middle of a deep discussion before it actually dawns on you. But rather than emotionally retreating once you realize your circumstances, stay with the subject until the process completes on its own. Author Margaret Heffernan wrote, For good ideas and true innovation, you need human interaction, conflict, argument, debate." Horoscope for Virgo today (Yahoo news)
Ive followed my horoscope when times seem hard or Im in a good mood, its funny I know they are in someway suppose to speak to you, but this is just so accurate.
Today I talked to the VA, it was the walk in doctor (she was actually amazing). I feel amazing finally being able to get myself moving in a forward direction, I still have a long way to go but it finally feels like im at the front of the long line lol. We talked about getting me into some of the groups, going through and seeking council and get me started in group as well as get me safely introduced to the LGBT community ^^
I know we dont have active blogs, but I intend to use this thread as a journal so I'll have it saved on my signature.
My story may seem like many others but if I learned anything my story is my story I shouldnt have to fight to be happy. I wont be the unimportant NPC in my own story anymore lol.
I dont have strong memories of my childhood (minus the big events like all my broken bones lol) I do remember being in and out of therapist and psychiatrist from as early as four years old. I can't tell you why I was there but I do remember talking with my mom (many many years later) about it and all she could tell me was I was depressed... now why would I be depressed most if not all of my life... The best thing to date (I expect so many good things to happen ^^ ) was when I finally opened up to my friend, when I finally found someone I could talk to, since than so many things fell into place. I also learned why its called coming out of the closet (its not a bad term, but it does have a lot of baggage with it) because once you finally come out there is no going back in. I tried to go back to how everything was before I told my friend because well it was out there... I more or less almost put myself in the nut house since than I still havent told everyone I want to tell but some people need to be told once you are 100% ready and not a second earlier.
I might as well give some history about my military service and a few things that stuck with me even afterwards. So I served from 02/03/2009-02/03/2013. I had seen snow before boot camp but this... wow, it snowed the last weekend of my boot camp so bad we had a lock-down. Now boot camp I never expected it to be easy, but if it wasnt for some good friends (who I no longer have contact with sadly) I don't know if I would of made it. After boot camp I literally moved down the street to my new A school where I learned the ins and the outs of navigation and how to use the Radar system. When the 'dream sheets' came up I choose either Yokosuka Japan, or Hawaii both of which where literally dream locations for me. Maybe it was fate/destiny whatever I got Yokosuka Japan, onboard the USS George Washington (CVN-73) it may have not been the command I wanted but it was the location I wanted, we were about 2 hours max from Tokyo, I may have never actually made it to Osaka but Tokyo was... there are no words for how I felt about Japan as a whole, I will go back there and make it my home someday this I say in front of all of you.
While I was on carrier one of the worse days of my life happen... I may have not physically gotten hurt but the emotional damage and the damage to this planet will always be there... March 11, 2011 will always be a dark day for me... It was a friday I dont think I did but I dont remember if I had duty that weekend or not, I remember it was friday because we were in port and had a Captains call... about half way through the captains call it happen. All of a sudden in port, moored we hit heavy seas, it happen so fast and was over just as fast. The ship which as I said was a carrier moved 15 feet... moored... if it was just an earthquake it may have not been so bad but what I saw... (this is harder than I thought... let me just end with something that is also tied to this and still an issue) fukushima daiichi it may have not been so bad if it wasnt built on the ocean...
The other thing I want to get off my chest is back in 2015 I had a major medical incident, it was diverticulitis or something like that which cause my colon to rupture. They had to take out 15 cm's of my colon, it left me with a colostomy bag and six months to deal with it.
Not much detail in the last one because it gets kind of gross lol... but yeah, this is basically the major events that lead me to be in the situation I am now for the next step I know my body will be an issue but even as a women I dont have to show my stomach lol and I'll still be happy which will help me.
I will try to answer any questions that come up because I feel like not answering will be lying and Im not going to lie anymore not to myself and not to anyone else (not telling people is not lying its waiting for a better time to talk about it) but I intend to use this to keep up to date with everything going forward (saves space which will be nice ^^ ).
If nothing else thank you for listening/reading my rant I'll add more later and keep this thread up to date with all my progress ^^ The difference between a good day and a bad day might just be where you are looking, stay positive I know I will try my best too.
Today could be written down as a day that was both good and bad... So on monday I talked to my uncle and opened up to him. He classifies himself as bisexual so even though he doesnt know exactly what im going through he knows part of the struggle to be happy with oneself. One of my big issues, (he said if he had room he'd fight for me but he current has his partners parents and his nephews living with them so its a pretty crowded house) is I live at home with my parents where my mom is not an issue I know she will support me no matter what, its my dad he has been the most toxic force in my life since forever.
Well getting onto today I went to talk with the VA about housing assistance and more or less (in not so few words) got told they cant help me because Im not in need of assistance... moving forward a little I had some extra money and wanted to stop by my favorite Asian market, turns out they are closed for repairs or something (not sure but it was closed). I had physicked myself up to go clothes shopping too, I didnt do that either... but I went shopping anyway and even went and go something to eat at a new local ramen bar.
All and all it was an ok day just have to find a way to re step my current approach whatever that might mean
Should want to write... might be why I havent been able to add the rest of my story ideas. Was called out by my mom today and she doesnt seem to understand or really care. She told me to cross dress making it seem like that would solve everything I didnt want to talk with her about it because I knew she wouldnt understand but I figured this might happen because im less and less hiding, honestly if I had the money (and with some support) I would look into maybe getting some undergarments too but its not like I get a thrill from cross dressing or even the thought of.
Enough ranting I want to write about yesterday, Im not going to bore you with the bad stuff because the good stuff does out weight it... the bad in short would be my back acting up (arthritis had fun with this the last few days), and me getting a flat tire (pot hole and 80 something dollars later (that I had but not really (let bills bounce and whatnot)) but yeah. I talked to a couple psychiatrist one for my ptsd issues and the other was for my Gender Dysphoria and the VA has a policy to not straight out deny hormones but I do feel they might think Im not in a stable environment and hold off at which point I can bring it out on my mom... though she will somehow make me feel guilty . One day at a time thats all I can do but if Im not moving forward Im afraid I will fall back into the deep depression again...
well as of today my dad confronted me, thankfully its not like he wants to just throw me out but he also doesnt want me to dress or act like I do... well jokes on him right now I dont dress up and I act like myself regardless if he's here or not, Im not gonna stop painting my nails it actually helped me focus on not biting my nails, plus if its acceptable for cis women its acceptable for me. On a good note with all this I dont have to worry too much about them talking about me behind my back... I dont know this is going to be an interesting few days/weeks and maybe it'll be less stressful with this out but Im still expecting many questions I cant answer.
Quote from: Amaki on July 14, 2018, 11:51:16 AM
well as of today my dad confronted me, thankfully its not like he wants to just throw me out but he also doesnt want me to dress or act like I do... well jokes on him right now I dont dress up and I act like myself regardless if he's here or not, Im not gonna stop painting my nails it actually helped me focus on not biting my nails, plus if its acceptable for cis women its acceptable for me. On a good note with all this I dont have to worry too much about them talking about me behind my back... I dont know this is going to be an interesting few days/weeks and maybe it'll be less stressful with this out but Im still expecting many questions I cant answer.
@Amaki Thank you so much for sharing your posts and thoughts on this thread. I have been following your "story" ever since you became a member of Susan's at the end of May about a month and a half ago, and I can absolutely tell you that you are not alone with what you are many times describing.
Coming out is one of the biggest events in any transition experience and parents and family are the ones that will have some of the most difficult times with dealing with and accepting your life plans and goals.
You don't have to do too much reading of the other posts on the Forums to see that some transitioners have a more sucessful time coming out to their parents and family and others (like myself) have not been accepted with those that were very close to them regarding hearing and seeing their coming out.
You have done a good job here developing your thread into a kind of a journal that you can reflect on and ponder your decisions .... good and bad. I consider this kind of thing to be very good personal therapy.
I have always kept a personal pen and paper journal to jot down my most personal and pressing issues and also my happy events. It is a great way to vent and to work out solutions to our problems. I even include some creative but not very artistic doodling on my journal pages. Later on, months or years later, it is very reveling to me to go over my past problems and to discover how it all turned out and what steps I took or should have taken at the time.
Thank you for posting, and I will be looking forward to seeing your future updates...
We can rejoice with you as we hear about your good reports and we can support you when the reports are not so good. Thank you for sharing.
Wishing you well,
Hugs,
Danielle
Thank you Danielle, I know it took awhile for me to say anything but its been an interesting past few days lol its was just a combination of everything. I'm not gonna update my time line yet but I just got the ok and go ahead to see endocrinology (like a few hours ago now so yeah lol). Im actually excited things are actually moving forward and I was so afraid my parents would find someway to hold me back again, Im glad thats not the case. I did give the doctor the update about my home life, they still want me to push to find work and a place of my own. Been thinking of talking with my cousin and her boyfriend/ fiance to see if they still need a room mate, at lease there I know the real me is welcomed but none of that can happen till I get a job and steady money income lol.
Things may not be happen as fast as I like, but one of the things I have to remember is there is no reason to run anymore. I have to take it day by day and remember to actually appreciate everything around me. Oh its not all that big but I met someone else going through the same classes Ive been going to she (mtf) is older full of life. I enjoy learning life experiences from everyone even those younger than me but I learned you can actually learn more from the older people lol. But yeah I have someone else going through the same stuff I can talk with when things get too much, never hurts to have more open ears and opinions (when your open to those opinions (I normally am)).
Other than that, Im not sure if I'll ever get the full dialog out with my parents they are very stubborn, but they know the truth now even if they dont understand and refuse to talk about it. I believe once Im fully transitioned and actually happy they will come to understand the true me, if not well... I actually do have a name without their last name if it came to that.
Anyway, if you are reading this have a drink of your choice on me lol
Quote from: Amaki on July 18, 2018, 03:19:27 PM
Thank you Danielle, I know it took awhile for me to say anything but its been an interesting past few days lol its was just a combination of everything. I'm not gonna update my time line yet but I just got the ok and go ahead to see endocrinology (like a few hours ago now so yeah lol). Im actually excited things are actually moving forward and I was so afraid my parents would find someway to hold me back again, Im glad thats not the case. I did give the doctor the update about my home life, they still want me to push to find work and a place of my own. Been thinking of talking with my cousin and her boyfriend/ fiance to see if they still need a room mate, at lease there I know the real me is welcomed but none of that can happen till I get a job and steady money income lol.
Things may not be happen as fast as I like, but one of the things I have to remember is there is no reason to run anymore. I have to take it day by day and remember to actually appreciate everything around me. Oh its not all that big but I met someone else going through the same classes Ive been going to she (mtf) is older full of life. I enjoy learning life experiences from everyone even those younger than me but I learned you can actually learn more from the older people lol. But yeah I have someone else going through the same stuff I can talk with when things get too much, never hurts to have more open ears and opinions (when your open to those opinions (I normally am)).
Other than that, Im not sure if I'll ever get the full dialog out with my parents they are very stubborn, but they know the truth now even if they dont understand and refuse to talk about it. I believe once Im fully transitioned and actually happy they will come to understand the true me, if not well... I actually do have a name without their last name if it came to that.
Anyway, if you are reading this have a drink of your choice on me lol
@Amaki Thank you for posting your thoughts. As I stated in my previous reply to you, it can be very helpful to write down things like that so you can ponder what you are doing and what you want to do... and what changes you have to make to get your desired results.
Regarding your parents refusing to talk about your issues and goals is something that many transtioners, including myself, are continuing to deal with. You can get some comfort knowing that you are not alone in that regard. For many transitioners, coming our and being accepted by our own parents and other family members can be one of the biggest gauntlets and barriers that are difficult to overcome. On the other hand you can read other members stories about their parents and family readily accepting them and the heavy burden being lifted off of the transtioners shoulders. I wish that were the case for me, but I am not giving up on them, they are still my parents and I am obligated to respect them for that fact.
Regarding a drink of my choice that you are offering me... it is a Diet Pepsi right now, I am still at work, dealing with financial matters of my clients.... so, no adult beverages until I get home.
Thank you for your updates and expressing your thoughts.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle
Today started with me going to see endocrinology at like 0830, lol haven't needed to be a morning person in awhile but it felt good when having a purpose. It took me almost 3 hours for a 30 min appointment lol, thats the VA for you. So I know starting HRT is a big step but I've been feeling a lot better about myself in general since coming to terms and more so coming out. They have me on both spironolactone and climara patches (for multiple reasons big one being the rules thats all I'll say on that). Im nervous but its a kin to more stage freight I guess, not sure what to expect and it does feel like everyone is watching me (only care about a few of the eyes anyway). I did take some advice I read and started to write things down, not so much on a notebook (but might need to get one in time) but its down and somewhere safe for now lol. Other than that last weekend was the first weekend of rehearsals for the TRF (Texas Renaissance Festival). I came to reintroduce myself but not as my true self yet, not sure how everyone would react, my uncle did talk with a few people he trusted and got info for me didnt have the heart to tell him I already had that info but its ok. I had my nails painted and had a few people comment, going with a different color this weekend not sure which yet, for when the fair starts Im going with black nails 'working hands' lol. Anyway, Im still around and will always plug this site when I meet new people in need of help.
Quote from: Amaki on August 07, 2018, 12:30:49 PM
Today started with me going to see endocrinology at like 0830, lol haven't needed to be a morning person in awhile but it felt good when having a purpose. It took me almost 3 hours for a 30 min appointment lol, thats the VA for you. So I know starting HRT is a big step but I've been feeling a lot better about myself in general since coming to terms and more so coming out. They have me on both spironolactone and climara patches (for multiple reasons big one being the rules thats all I'll say on that). Im nervous but its a kin to more stage freight I guess, not sure what to expect and it does feel like everyone is watching me (only care about a few of the eyes anyway). I did take some advice I read and started to write things down, not so much on a notebook (but might need to get one in time) but its down and somewhere safe for now lol. Other than that last weekend was the first weekend of rehearsals for the TRF (Texas Renaissance Festival). I came to reintroduce myself but not as my true self yet, not sure how everyone would react, my uncle did talk with a few people he trusted and got info for me didnt have the heart to tell him I already had that info but its ok. I had my nails painted and had a few people comment, going with a different color this weekend not sure which yet, for when the fair starts Im going with black nails 'working hands' lol. Anyway, Im still around and will always plug this site when I meet new people in need of help.
@Amaki Dear Amaki:Wow, very good news indeed.
Regarding your future progress when you finally start your HRT...
...here are some of my thoughts as it may relate to what you may expect.
As has been stated over and over here on the Forums... and by me in many of my comments on various posts, HRT will work uniquely on your unique body.
What you read about other transitioning members experiences with HRT most likely will not be identical to your own experiences.
Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and then some will experience less significant changes more slowly.... it is all up to your genes and how your body reacts to the HRT. Your doctor will undoubtedly be looking at your frequent blood test results during your journey to determine if any alterations in the HRT regimen are needed.
The adage that you have probably already heard regarding HRT and how it may work for various individuals is "YMMV" meaning that Your Mileage May Vary.
PATIENCE is definitely required.... usually not much happens very quickly with HRT... but changes will happen. Do some reading of other transitioners posts and look many of the posted HRT timelines and the before and after pictures. .... they can give you a rough idea of what you MIGHT expect.
Without a doubt this can be very "EXCITING and SCARY all at the same time." Continue to hang on for an amazing ride. Some of my best and most appreciated body changes happened at the start of year #2.
We are here to rejoice with you in the good times and to support you in the not so good times.
One more time.... PATIENCE is required. The attitude of many people today is "I want it all and I want it now" ... that will not apply to HRT.
Hugs and well wishes... we will be looking for your updates as you feel free to post them.
Danielle
Been awhile since I posted, I started speech therapy a few weeks ago around the 25th of October in fact. Ive been distracted with my moms health, thankfully Ive been staying at home with my parents but long story short it does look like she will need surgery... I've still been trying to take care of myself while worrying about my mom. Both my parents still support me but my father still stand offish. I havent noticed much change, but I have been told my voice is changing and my body hair is thinning but not fast ><. Wish I had better news to post but everything is all piling on at once. I will try to work more on myself but if we get any real news about my mom I will be posting it.
Its been awhile, I still follow susan's twitter news and ive been doing my part to help pass information along. Im doing ok almost been a full 6 months since I started HRT and honestly I actually feel good, still not dressing in like dresses but a shirt and shorts also work. My mom is doing good she did spend 2 and a half weeks in the hospital back in november but is on a strong mend so that is a worry off my mind. I'm still not working but slowly getting there, in speech therapy my therapist is working on more than just my voice which is nice, but that also means Im offically seeing 2 therapist and a psychiatrist (you might think I have more than one issue lol) but seriously im glad they are finally taking me serious. I have a blood draw for later this month to see where my T and E levels are but last I talked to that doctor i am doing good, I am officially on the highest dose (no numbers) which is two patches on me other than the occasional rash I havent had too many issues ^^; I have noticed my right upper chest(boob) is more tender more often than my left but other than that slow and steady.
Oh my hair is finally starting to sit, its nice and wavy but I like it. I get to start putting clips in it next week for my meetings ^^
Hey if anyone wants to talk and have twitter hit me up I'll be around just wanted to drop the update since last one was short and a little down to say the less
Woo as of today (24th of April 2019) at 1445 I am officially Sophia Lee Bell, gender marker F ^^. On another less happy note Ive been taking care of my mom since November who after have her kidney removed it came back as cancerous and we just recently got in with MD Anderson. So Im her rock right now, and she is one of my strongest supporters.
We will make it through, and no matter what I am officially Sophia ^^