Post by: CindyJames on June 22, 2014, 09:06:08 pm
However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"
"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."
Edited title a bit to merge topics
Post by: dalebert on June 23, 2014, 08:18:45 pm
You will moan, you will groan, you will hide your face and snicker in silent shame.
Post by: dalebert on June 23, 2014, 08:20:15 pm
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues (http://imgur.com/5P9HR9S)
Post by: immortal gypsy on June 23, 2014, 08:28:39 pm
The last bad jokes thread was lost to malware, but we have rebuilt it--stronger, faster, cheesier than before.
So we are saying these are "The Six Million Dollar Jokes"
Personally I prefered Jamie Sommers over Steve Austin
Post by: Nero on June 23, 2014, 08:33:51 pm
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues
issues (http://imgur.com/5P9HR9S)
Must be really bad, cause I don't get it. :laugh: Nice shoes though.
Post by: V M on June 23, 2014, 08:58:27 pm
Not quite sure, but it certainly is a horny little pecker
Post by: EmoAlice on June 23, 2014, 09:06:16 pm
Must be really bad, cause I don't get it. :laugh: Nice shoes though.
ten issues = tennis shoes
Post by: dalebert on June 24, 2014, 08:08:29 am
Post by: EmoAlice on June 24, 2014, 02:53:13 pm
Post by: Jill F on June 24, 2014, 03:01:20 pm
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a rhinoceros?
Not quite sure, but it certainly is a horny little pecker
Oh, that's bad. Reminds me of this one you've all heard since the beginning of time.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino.
I was going to post this piece of <poo>-
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fish.
Post by: Beth Andrea on June 24, 2014, 03:32:09 pm
The last bad jokes thread was lost to malware, but we have rebuilt it--stronger, faster, cheesier than before.
You will moan, you will groan, you will hide your face and snicker in silent shame.
Oh my...civilization has been set back an undetermined number of time-units with the loss...;)
Post by: dalebert on June 24, 2014, 03:44:32 pm
Post by: Dee Marshall on June 24, 2014, 04:31:40 pm
You start.
Post by: dalebert on June 25, 2014, 03:05:11 pm
Post by: dalebert on June 30, 2014, 04:29:38 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91VUFVp1eXk
Post by: dalebert on July 01, 2014, 03:49:39 pm
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,
"By the way, just in case: how do I stop the medicine working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, but then she asked...........
"What was the 1-2-3 for.......?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Post by: Nero on July 01, 2014, 04:06:13 pm
Post by: Shantel on July 02, 2014, 09:23:54 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKHeXC7L85s
Post by: dalebert on July 03, 2014, 09:06:13 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 03, 2014, 10:17:17 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 03, 2014, 10:19:56 pm
Post by: CindyJames on July 04, 2014, 12:41:34 am
Post by: Julia-Madrid on July 04, 2014, 01:24:50 am
Seven days without a pun makes one weak
Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh!
But look on the bright side - you have a weak end coming up ;D
Post by: CindyJames on July 04, 2014, 03:35:19 am
Post by: immortal gypsy on July 04, 2014, 04:32:33 am
https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10387292_769471239758249_4194019954279006649_n.jpg (https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10387292_769471239758249_4194019954279006649_n.jpg)
I think this would be a good place to start
Latitude 18º55'N to 28º27'N
Longitude 154º48'W to 178º22'W
Post by: dalebert on July 04, 2014, 07:23:52 am
(http://i.imgur.com/VTGtNYN.png)
Post by: dalebert on July 04, 2014, 08:42:48 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on July 07, 2014, 03:08:24 pm
Post by: Stephanie2 on July 07, 2014, 03:15:08 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 07, 2014, 07:29:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 07, 2014, 09:56:52 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 07, 2014, 10:01:11 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 08, 2014, 09:13:34 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 08, 2014, 09:22:23 pm
Post by: Michaela Whimsy on July 08, 2014, 10:55:46 pm
...a mechanic
Post by: dalebert on July 09, 2014, 10:11:11 am
(http://i.imgur.com/MdbYZnU.jpg?1)
Post by: dalebert on July 10, 2014, 07:24:14 am
Post by: V M on July 10, 2014, 07:44:27 am
(http://i.imgur.com/iEhVSIE.png)
LOL... That cracked me up :laugh: Maybe should be posted in the vanity topics
I usually use the self checkout at the grocery store and always snicker a bit because my idea of 'self checkout' tends to require a gun or rope or some other form of self harm and such :laugh:
Post by: dalebert on July 11, 2014, 07:57:19 am
Post by: AnnaCannibal on July 11, 2014, 08:34:39 pm
Because there wasn't mushroom.
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Post by: xponentialshift on July 11, 2014, 09:30:54 pm
Why couldn't the fungus fit into the car?How about:
Because there wasn't mushroom.
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Why didn't the fun-guy get into the car?
Because there wasn't mush-room.
Maybe fit in the word spore-adic somewhere?
Post by: Handy on July 15, 2014, 07:02:40 pm
So a friend of mine was sending me a zip file, and told me it would take a minute because it was a few megs... thus, INSPIRATION STRUCK!
I'd take credit for this gag, but it seems so obvious I refuse to believe someone hasn't done it before me.
an exchange with my friend:
(http://i58.tinypic.com/2nja41t.png)
Post by: K Style Addiction on July 15, 2014, 07:17:23 pm
Post by: Stephanie2 on July 17, 2014, 08:43:23 am
Post by: dalebert on July 17, 2014, 04:11:13 pm
Post by: Shantel on July 18, 2014, 08:15:14 pm
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice,
because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every
moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked
by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper's cemetery in the Blue Ridge, Georgia back country at Chigger
Ridge..
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only
the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and
apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the
vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I
started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to
weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I
packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung
low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers
say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
Post by: V M on July 18, 2014, 09:22:46 pm
Post by: Handy on July 19, 2014, 08:35:05 am
http://youtu.be/9rIy0xY99a0?t=18s
HEY, that was EDUCATIONAL!!!! I've been had!!
Post by: dalebert on July 20, 2014, 07:34:39 am
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norman_Borlaug#Nobel_Peace_Prize
Post by: dalebert on July 20, 2014, 11:30:16 am
Post by: dalebert on July 20, 2014, 11:31:25 am
Post by: Michaela Whimsy on July 20, 2014, 03:26:38 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 26, 2014, 05:33:59 pm
Post by: CindyJames on July 26, 2014, 05:40:08 pm
Police think he is following a pattern.
Post by: Shantel on July 26, 2014, 10:03:51 pm
A man has been going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police think he is following a pattern.
Waaaa Haha corny kind of funny! :D
Post by: LordKAT on July 27, 2014, 07:48:07 pm
borrowed from Readers Digest July 2014
Post by: dalebert on July 28, 2014, 08:30:38 am
'The Titanic is synching.'
Too soon!
Post by: dalebert on July 30, 2014, 01:43:50 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on July 30, 2014, 06:25:52 pm
(http://lolbot.net/pix/32288.gif)
Post by: K Style Addiction on July 30, 2014, 07:24:00 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 01, 2014, 05:56:19 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 01, 2014, 05:56:55 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 02, 2014, 09:48:10 am
http://youtu.be/bTaleku9llY?t=1m10s
Post by: dalebert on August 03, 2014, 07:46:31 am
How many straight L.A. waiters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many Kardashians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. She just holds it in place and the world revolves around her.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but how do you get them in there?
Post by: dalebert on August 03, 2014, 01:09:07 pm
Post by: Sydney_NYC on August 03, 2014, 02:12:20 pm
For the Aussies! (http://imgur.com/r/<I don't understand>/8J4A94o)
Shrimp on the barbie. A homemade meal.
(http://i.imgur.com/8J4A94o.jpg)
Love it :)
Post by: Shantel on August 03, 2014, 02:51:31 pm
asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in
Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's
service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay, looking at the
regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our
normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00
am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in
you coming in for that."
Post by: Miss_Bungle1991 on August 03, 2014, 03:03:36 pm
Post by: OreSama on August 03, 2014, 05:00:21 pm
He motions with his fingers and says "Come this way."
She looks at him and laughs "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need batteries!"
Post by: Shantel on August 03, 2014, 09:43:52 pm
A woman goes to the store and asks the clerk where the batteries are.
He motions with his fingers and says "Come this way."
She looks at him and laughs "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need batteries!"
:D
Post by: dalebert on August 04, 2014, 08:35:31 am
"This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in
you coming in for that."
Only the first two hours? That must be the most efficient government office in the country!
Post by: Cindy on August 04, 2014, 08:40:17 am
For the Aussies! (http://imgur.com/r/<I don't understand>/8J4A94o)
OK, no Christmas card for you!
Revenge:
Why do cowboys ride horses?
Because they are too heavy to carry.
Post by: dalebert on August 04, 2014, 10:23:12 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 04, 2014, 07:16:38 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 05, 2014, 06:31:21 pm
Post by: Shantel on August 05, 2014, 07:11:39 pm
(http://lolbot.net/pix/32083.gif)
Waaaa hahah, definitely an old guy thing! :D
Post by: dalebert on August 06, 2014, 01:13:49 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMzfELqfwPM
Post by: dalebert on August 06, 2014, 03:37:58 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 06, 2014, 04:28:27 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 07, 2014, 07:03:17 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 07, 2014, 07:07:46 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 08, 2014, 04:14:08 pm
Post by: AeroZeppelin92 on August 10, 2014, 03:48:07 pm
..
...
A Carrot! ;D
Post by: Shantel on August 10, 2014, 05:49:14 pm
Post by: immortal gypsy on August 13, 2014, 03:55:56 am
He made the trains run on thyme
(Thank you xkcd for that pun)
Post by: Evelyn K on August 13, 2014, 04:01:29 pm
the rabbit replies
"no, never"
so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass.
The End
Post by: dalebert on August 17, 2014, 09:45:01 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 18, 2014, 10:57:41 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 18, 2014, 03:54:50 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 18, 2014, 03:56:19 pm
Rock on, Star Lord!
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 18, 2014, 03:56:59 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 18, 2014, 05:05:23 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 18, 2014, 07:08:45 pm
More from Star Lord, lol.
Post by: Matthew on August 18, 2014, 08:21:35 pm
I was wondering why the football was getting bigger, ands then it hit me!
What happens when chemists die? They barium.
I'm currently reading a book on anti gravity. I can't put it down.
Post by: V M on August 19, 2014, 04:21:22 am
Post by: dalebert on August 19, 2014, 07:42:11 am
More from Star Lord, lol.
You're making me want to finish watching Parks and Recreation. :police:
Post by: dalebert on August 19, 2014, 07:43:04 am
Welp, I didn't like my beard at first. But then it grew on me.
I was wondering why the football was getting bigger, ands then it hit me!
What happens when chemists die? They barium.
I'm currently reading a book on anti gravity. I can't put it down.
Oh, you'll fit right in here. >:-)
Post by: immortal gypsy on August 19, 2014, 07:59:15 am
You think one would have the sense to duck
Post by: Dee Marshall on August 19, 2014, 11:28:11 am
Three men walk into a bar.Gypsy, watch it with the man-bashing.
You think one would have the sense to duck
(Even when they do it to themselves...)
Post by: Cindy on August 19, 2014, 04:33:53 pm
It was just gathering dust
Post by: Matthew on August 19, 2014, 04:41:19 pm
My dad was in the army. He survived pepper spray and mustard gas. He's a well seasoned veteran now.
(Ok, ok I'll stop now)
Post by: Shantel on August 19, 2014, 05:20:33 pm
Did you hear about that guy whose left side was completely cut off? He's all right now.
My dad was in the army. He survived pepper spray and mustard gas. He's a well seasoned veteran now.
(Ok, ok I'll stop now)
Don't stop, I'm sure that I'm not the only one enjoying your style of humor.
Post by: immortal gypsy on August 19, 2014, 06:47:40 pm
Don't stop, I'm sure that I'm not the only one enjoying your style of humor.Keep them coming, the only bad joke was the one never told.
Why are chefs so mean?
Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream
Post by: Sydney_NYC on August 19, 2014, 11:17:12 pm
Why are chefs so mean?
Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream
That reminds me of this magnet that is on our refrigerator: (https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5582/14953432316_7b4e51fa4a.jpg)
And yes my wife and I are kinky, so it's quite appropriate for our kitchen, LOL
Post by: Cindy on August 21, 2014, 03:37:22 am
To be sure
To be sure
To be sure
Post by: dalebert on August 21, 2014, 06:58:28 am
And more here!
http://imgur.com/gallery/AnVdg
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 21, 2014, 03:42:56 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 21, 2014, 07:20:55 pm
Post by: Evelyn K on August 21, 2014, 11:21:19 pm
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then he proceeced up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started watching TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked him in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop ?"
He said, "I found the remote"
Post by: dalebert on August 22, 2014, 07:36:18 am
More geeky science jokes-- click here. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/20/phd-in-chocolate-cambridge-university_n_5695086.html#slide=start)
Post by: dalebert on August 22, 2014, 03:12:17 pm
Post by: V M on August 23, 2014, 04:49:11 am
The clerk says "Yes, but we only have two of them and they are both blind, I'll give you either of them for free" To which the man replied
"Well we should get along great!!! I'll take them both"
On the way home the whole lot of them walk into a bar
Didn't see that coming now did you?
Post by: OreSama on August 23, 2014, 03:31:03 pm
"You really had to turn that into a sex joke didn't you?"
"Admit it, you saw it coming somewhere deep inside you."
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 25, 2014, 06:55:37 pm
Who's playing?.....
Post by: dalebert on August 26, 2014, 08:02:46 am
Why don't ghosts ever go trick-or-treating? Because they got no body to go with.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why shouldn't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 26, 2014, 05:36:42 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 26, 2014, 05:44:57 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 27, 2014, 05:05:03 pm
Post by: immortal gypsy on August 27, 2014, 05:45:29 pm
The bartender looks up and asks,
"What is this a joke".
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 27, 2014, 06:48:28 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 28, 2014, 07:31:24 am
I'm sorry, but that's... Poppycock :icon_cool:
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 29, 2014, 06:50:39 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on August 29, 2014, 06:54:17 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 01, 2014, 10:46:51 am
Post by: dalebert on September 02, 2014, 11:34:25 am
(http://i.imgur.com/wlII4yk.jpg)
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 02, 2014, 04:45:30 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 02, 2014, 04:50:39 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 03, 2014, 05:38:55 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 03, 2014, 10:39:43 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 04, 2014, 08:54:39 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZatV7QVrc20
Post by: dalebert on September 04, 2014, 09:02:41 am
Post by: dalebert on September 06, 2014, 12:56:58 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 08, 2014, 04:56:59 pm
If you like this one, his entire website (http://www.brainlesstales.com/) is full of these BAD jokes.
Post by: dalebert on September 08, 2014, 08:12:20 pm
(http://www.brainlesstales.com/images/2011/Jul/duck-billed-platypus.jpg)
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 10, 2014, 04:24:06 pm
Post by: Cindy on September 10, 2014, 05:54:06 pm
Post by: Shantel on September 10, 2014, 06:56:29 pm
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10616006_919037581458013_1241899013136143798_n.jpg?oh=441f0faef583bb11d00e86934d5e3cc9&oe=54973197&__gda__=1418011695_35b78b9ed39116c9fcca4938fc5c2a1e)
Waaaa Hahaha that's the best one yet! :D
Post by: dalebert on September 11, 2014, 12:59:05 pm
http://youtu.be/6gevgV40HCE?t=7m7s
Post by: JenSquid on September 12, 2014, 03:22:09 am
Post by: dalebert on September 14, 2014, 08:40:59 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 14, 2014, 11:02:03 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 15, 2014, 02:51:05 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 15, 2014, 06:02:38 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 15, 2014, 06:09:22 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 16, 2014, 11:50:02 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 17, 2014, 03:37:44 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 17, 2014, 04:01:14 pm
(http://lolbot.net/pix/32799.gif)
OMG. I needed that laugh just now. So stressed out. Perfect timing.
Post by: dalebert on September 18, 2014, 01:25:15 pm
(http://www.brainlesstales.com/images/2014/Sep/roll-with-the-punches.jpg) (http://www.brainlesstales.com/)
Post by: dalebert on September 18, 2014, 03:54:47 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/PpAQXdr.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on September 19, 2014, 03:18:43 pm
Post by: Kittenswithmittens on September 19, 2014, 04:58:57 pm
(http://tapatalk.imageshack.com/v2/14/09/09/37b48684be8d8f2ee6421a6792cb2d61.jpg)
Post by: Cindy on September 19, 2014, 05:12:49 pm
Ahmmmmm - how to have sausage for breakfast :embarrassed:
Post by: Ms Grace on September 19, 2014, 05:30:48 pm
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10647165_826107704088987_2497273320164265355_n.jpg?oh=9cc9eb7fcde259197af4d0f519f16f74&oe=548A52A4&__gda__=1418827036_19d4ba445e8a6ae4512b443dc14de006)
Ahmmmmm - how to have sausage for breakfast :embarrassed:
Wrong, just wrong...in so many ways...!!
Post by: Jera on September 20, 2014, 11:39:48 am
-Christian Bale.
If you ever get cold, stand in a corner for a bit. They're usually around 90 degrees.
Two satellites decide to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game?
The Ghost of Christmas passed.
Post by: dalebert on September 20, 2014, 12:57:23 pm
Is this topic ever going to DIE??? ::) Just when I think it is gone it RISES to the occasion!! *giggles* :)
Post by: Private McAuslan on September 21, 2014, 08:56:59 am
Priest says: "Ah, thank God you're here! Without you, we can't have Mass!"
Post by: dalebert on September 21, 2014, 12:54:07 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 21, 2014, 12:56:12 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 21, 2014, 12:58:33 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 22, 2014, 08:00:41 am
Post by: dalebert on September 22, 2014, 04:21:19 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 23, 2014, 03:42:33 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 24, 2014, 10:26:23 am
-A stick.
Post by: Shantel on September 24, 2014, 12:20:59 pm
Post by: Shantel on September 24, 2014, 12:22:50 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 25, 2014, 07:55:33 am
(http://i.imgur.com/F0zPzka.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/D56Pbxo.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/ffVLLYu.jpg)
Post by: Kittenswithmittens on September 25, 2014, 03:49:39 pm
Post by: Kittenswithmittens on September 25, 2014, 04:11:39 pm
(http://img-9gag-lol.9cache.com/photo/awbr39Q_460sa_v1.gif)
Post by: Kittenswithmittens on September 25, 2014, 04:25:15 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 25, 2014, 05:05:28 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 26, 2014, 04:15:19 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 26, 2014, 05:18:10 pm
Post by: Jo-is-amazing on September 26, 2014, 05:24:55 pm
Because he was out-standing in his field
Post by: dalebert on September 26, 2014, 09:06:37 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 27, 2014, 03:00:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 27, 2014, 10:36:09 pm
Bell rings. Is no wind.
Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"
Voice says "Yes!"
"Born winter of 1927?"
"Yes!"
"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"
"Niet, am still living!"
"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."
And woman is true Soviet, waits for June."
Post by: MajorTom on September 28, 2014, 12:42:11 am
(http://img-9gag-lol.9cache.com/photo/ad667n9_460sa_v1.gif)IS THAT FROM UHF? Weird Al time ;D ;D ;D
(http://s25.postimg.org/lxll7w7aj/Screen_Shot_2014_09_19_at_22_42_22_759.jpg) (http://postimg.org/image/lxll7w7aj/)
Post by: dalebert on September 28, 2014, 08:22:56 am
(http://s25.postimg.org/lxll7w7aj/Screen_Shot_2014_09_19_at_22_42_22_759.jpg) (http://postimg.org/image/lxll7w7aj/)
Your imagine reminded me of this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgaBGu7Mlvo
Post by: Shantel on September 28, 2014, 09:30:49 am
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
Post by: dalebert on September 29, 2014, 11:06:04 am
I'm pretty sure that for some couples, "one I don't hate as much as the others" can quickly devolve into "one I hate more than anyone else".
Post by: IzzyV on September 29, 2014, 11:21:27 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 29, 2014, 04:24:22 pm
Post by: Cindy on September 30, 2014, 04:22:51 am
What is the collective noun for baboons?
Contestant: A Pentagon
Post by: Jenny07 on September 30, 2014, 05:32:51 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on September 30, 2014, 06:24:29 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 30, 2014, 07:37:50 pm
(https://41.media.tumblr.com/19931aa1d1b605e3e76f75cdc5190a2b/tumblr_n9nomtAdYy1spm17no1_500.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on September 30, 2014, 08:18:37 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 02, 2014, 07:56:21 am
Post by: dalebert on October 03, 2014, 07:11:50 am
Post by: dalebert on October 03, 2014, 10:03:48 am
Post by: dalebert on October 03, 2014, 11:05:05 pm
Post by: immortal gypsy on October 04, 2014, 07:52:43 pm
Very carefully
Post by: dalebert on October 05, 2014, 10:34:35 am
(http://i.imgur.com/mj31wcf.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on October 05, 2014, 08:13:07 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 06, 2014, 06:29:50 am
(http://i.imgur.com/jpZroN2.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on October 07, 2014, 12:27:21 pm
I love Snmgfiehp! I could celebrate it year-round! It's Christmas I can't stand.
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 07, 2014, 06:22:56 pm
Post by: Nicodeme on October 07, 2014, 07:00:21 pm
You know why those round/cylindrical hay bales are illegal?
BECAUSE
COWS AREN'T GETTING A SQUARE MEAL.
Post by: dalebert on October 08, 2014, 06:58:13 am
"He didn't get that round mouth from eating square meals."
Post by: Alice Rogers on October 08, 2014, 07:11:52 am
A stick.
Post by: Shantel on October 08, 2014, 09:05:51 pm
'Yeah, sure, I think I have a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..
'Jiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Mark, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Where did you get that monster??'
'Well,' replied John, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You have a Genie?' Mark asked.
'Yeah, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says John.
'Could I see him?'
John opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Mark says, 'Hey there I'm a good friend of your master. Wll you grant me one wish?''Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mark asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mark sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Mark yells at John, 'What the heck I asked for was a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
John answers, 'Yeah, I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Post by: dalebert on October 08, 2014, 10:20:46 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 09, 2014, 07:40:57 am
"Yes, but I came out the same way."
Post by: dalebert on October 09, 2014, 08:01:57 am
Post by: dalebert on October 09, 2014, 09:24:19 am
Post by: dalebert on October 09, 2014, 09:30:28 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 09, 2014, 06:15:20 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 10, 2014, 04:16:56 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 10, 2014, 04:19:59 pm
Post by: ♥︎ SarahD ♥︎ on October 10, 2014, 04:35:55 pm
(http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/6b/35/f3/6b35f3f978eeb3525ca7f7367f9d99ea.jpg)
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6494890496/h74614502/)
(http://www.quickmeme.com/img/bf/bf5bc7144c558d02eab0def1fb120be3b28959b2df0f76ad5becb47051d451ce.jpg)
:laugh: ♥︎
Post by: dalebert on October 12, 2014, 11:28:56 am
Post by: dalebert on October 13, 2014, 11:14:15 am
(http://i.imgur.com/Wa4Gi2g.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on October 13, 2014, 11:16:17 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 14, 2014, 06:40:40 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 15, 2014, 10:44:05 am
Post by: dalebert on October 15, 2014, 04:19:26 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 16, 2014, 09:21:15 am
Post by: dalebert on October 16, 2014, 10:23:20 am
Post by: dalebert on October 16, 2014, 11:55:37 am
Post by: Liam Erik on October 16, 2014, 12:08:55 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/fgvOGtv.png)
I love it
The live free or die is perfect too
Post by: dalebert on October 16, 2014, 06:31:58 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-InDy_7yXNk
"Thanks fur watchin'!"
Post by: Sydney_NYC on October 18, 2014, 11:13:49 pm
This picture was taken (in the moment) of me today by my wife with me petting one of our new kitties. She posted it on Facebook and this happened. (Elise is a long time lesbian friend of hours with a great since of humor who has been supportive of my transitioning.)
(https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5602/14948500224_85a1a98902_b.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on October 19, 2014, 02:58:08 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 19, 2014, 05:47:11 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 19, 2014, 07:18:16 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 19, 2014, 07:29:43 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0D5Shk9rjc
Post by: Bellatrix on October 19, 2014, 07:37:08 pm
I was cooking in the kitchen today and next thing i knew this thing had flown in through the window, buzzed around the wifes head then exploded on the kettle!
The wife says "what the bloody hell was that?!?"
"Don't worry dear" I tried to reassure her, "its was just one of those jihaddy longlegs"
I'll get my coat...
Post by: dalebert on October 20, 2014, 08:59:35 am
If you don't like somewhat non PC jokes please look away now...
Well, "bad" is not clearly defined for the purposes of this thread so I think non-PC qualifies. I've posted several that were bad in the sense that I mean naughty.
(http://i.imgur.com/OPPCq8w.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on October 20, 2014, 09:17:24 am
Post by: dalebert on October 20, 2014, 10:36:25 am
Post by: Devlyn on October 20, 2014, 11:17:12 am
(http://i.imgur.com/APnIXqT.jpg)
This is broad brush painting. I'm short, but I'm not planning any murders...........because there's nowhere left in the cellar to bury anyone!
Post by: LordKAT on October 20, 2014, 11:55:53 am
Post by: Jaime R D on October 20, 2014, 12:11:39 pm
And it is dwarfism awareness month too.
Post by: LordKAT on October 20, 2014, 12:14:02 pm
Post by: Shantel on October 20, 2014, 12:22:06 pm
Post by: Devlyn on October 20, 2014, 12:25:23 pm
I thought that term was bad and dehumanizing due to its origin.
And it is dwarfism awareness month too.
There's only one term that's bad and dehumanizing.........a term in office!
Post by: Jaime R D on October 20, 2014, 01:23:10 pm
According to my daughter, short people is the preferred term. She is also the one who told me she was a legal midget. I was quoting her. I apologize to anyone who I offended and won't repeat it after this post.No worries. I can't speak for them. The only reason I really thought about was because of something on tv the other day with a little guy asking people on the street about stuff pertaining to it.
Post by: big kim on October 20, 2014, 01:49:50 pm
Post by: LordKAT on October 20, 2014, 01:55:58 pm
No worries. I can't speak for them. The only reason I really thought about was because of something on tv the other day with a little guy asking people on the street about stuff pertaining to it.
I saw that video. I only know my daughter personally. She even admits that it is the new view.
Post by: dalebert on October 20, 2014, 04:32:05 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 20, 2014, 05:20:46 pm
Post by: Jill F on October 20, 2014, 05:22:05 pm
Nacho cheese.
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 20, 2014, 05:31:30 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 20, 2014, 06:28:28 pm
B*tch i'm fabulous
Post by: dalebert on October 20, 2014, 09:00:09 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 20, 2014, 09:57:52 pm
Post by: Cindy on October 21, 2014, 03:04:03 am
'I think I'm a Moth'
You need a psychiatrist!
'I know, but your light was on.'
Post by: immortal gypsy on October 21, 2014, 04:42:46 am
Well sit down and we'll discuss it then
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture
Post by: V M on October 21, 2014, 06:05:33 am
They figured they'd get a charge out of it
Post by: dalebert on October 21, 2014, 04:08:30 pm
Also, I think I've already said this but it bares repeating. I've always wanted to ask him--"What do you call the entrance to a brothel?"
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 21, 2014, 04:18:44 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 21, 2014, 04:21:26 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 22, 2014, 07:58:33 am
Post by: dalebert on October 22, 2014, 10:59:08 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 22, 2014, 05:57:26 pm
Post by: Dee Marshall on October 23, 2014, 11:55:16 am
Two shots and a splash of water.
Sorry.
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 23, 2014, 05:12:02 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 24, 2014, 06:37:30 am
Post by: dalebert on October 24, 2014, 06:55:26 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWkhuq-RZTE
Post by: dalebert on October 24, 2014, 07:43:27 am
Post by: dalebert on October 26, 2014, 09:57:18 am
Post by: dalebert on October 26, 2014, 11:17:02 am
Post by: dalebert on October 26, 2014, 05:47:50 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 27, 2014, 04:49:15 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 27, 2014, 07:00:42 pm
Post by: Nicodeme on October 27, 2014, 09:13:54 pm
Traditional gender rolls (http://i.imgur.com/Ll1Y82F.jpg)
it took me a minute to realize those were mars and venus symbols and not uh
two things that rhyme with venus
Post by: dalebert on October 28, 2014, 08:51:56 am
Post by: dalebert on October 28, 2014, 08:52:59 am
it took me a minute to realize those were mars and venus symbols and not uh
two things that rhyme with venus
Same thing for me. I had to ponder whether to put a NSFW tag. :police:
Post by: dalebert on October 28, 2014, 08:53:14 am
Post by: dalebert on October 28, 2014, 07:50:00 pm
Post by: V M on October 28, 2014, 08:11:20 pm
No, my dog doesn't bite
*goes to pet dog*... SNAP!!!
I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!!!
That's not my dog
Post by: big kim on October 29, 2014, 05:36:55 am
Worked it out with a pencil
Post by: dalebert on October 29, 2014, 10:37:18 am
Post by: dalebert on October 30, 2014, 11:17:31 am
Post by: dalebert on October 31, 2014, 09:06:34 am
Post by: dalebert on October 31, 2014, 01:03:35 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/541hFVw.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on October 31, 2014, 01:22:12 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 31, 2014, 03:29:42 pm
http://youtu.be/jKbUrRZZAuc?t=2m26s
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 31, 2014, 04:44:53 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 31, 2014, 04:47:19 pm
Post by: K Style Addiction on October 31, 2014, 04:50:41 pm
Post by: Shantel on November 02, 2014, 05:50:28 pm
(http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/xq90/540/imujFB.jpg) (https://imageshack.com/i/f0imujFBj)
(http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/xq90/538/iF4hsp.jpg) (https://imageshack.com/i/eyiF4hspj)
(http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/xq90/538/dLJMly.jpg) (https://imageshack.com/i/eydLJMlyj)
Post by: dalebert on November 08, 2014, 08:20:24 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5OsP0NxbVc
Post by: dalebert on November 08, 2014, 09:07:20 pm
Post by: Cindy on November 08, 2014, 10:03:52 pm
None, there are no mention of light globes in the bible.
Post by: K Style Addiction on November 09, 2014, 04:52:07 am
Excuse me, does your dog bite?
No, my dog doesn't bite
*goes to pet dog*... SNAP!!!
I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!!!
That's not my dog
OMG, Pink Panther reference ;D!
Post by: dalebert on November 09, 2014, 09:49:20 pm
Post by: LordKAT on November 09, 2014, 10:01:51 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 10, 2014, 07:23:05 am
Post by: dalebert on November 10, 2014, 07:48:43 am
You look in the mirror and see what you saw.
You use the saw to cut the table in half.
You put the two halves of the table together and climb out through the whole.
Post by: dalebert on November 12, 2014, 07:52:50 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8sxpxXjSBs
Post by: dalebert on November 12, 2014, 08:18:51 am
Post by: JustASeq on November 12, 2014, 09:02:55 am
I make up jokes from time to time to help me deal with the stressful situations of life. Here's one from just before I came out to my family:
So I have tap surgery scheduled for next week. Crazy thing is I haven't even told my parents I'm a transdancer.
Anyways, that's my home brewed bad joke. It made me feel better at the time....
Post by: dalebert on November 12, 2014, 07:08:47 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 13, 2014, 11:35:40 am
Post by: Shantel on November 13, 2014, 12:47:38 pm
What a load of bull! (http://lockerdome.com/tre/6170042811288129/7141593606141201)
Poor Benjy, looks like he's screwed!
Post by: dalebert on November 13, 2014, 04:20:49 pm
Post by: Michaela Whimsy on November 13, 2014, 09:44:08 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 14, 2014, 06:48:38 am
Two old men are sitting on the porch talking about nothing. Their old hound dog is laying in front of them licking himself as dogs do. One old man says "wish I could do that!" The other looks at him blankly, " don't you think you should ask him first?"
The way I heard it he ended "You better at least pet him a little first or he might bite you."
Post by: V M on November 14, 2014, 07:27:08 am
Depends on the the restaurant you are ordering at
Post by: dalebert on November 16, 2014, 10:39:51 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 18, 2014, 01:34:59 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 18, 2014, 04:04:37 pm
He comes back after a few hours, and the mechanic peers out from under the hood of the car... "You blew a seal..." And the Penguin is quick to stammer, "No, No, that's just ice cream."
Post by: dalebert on November 21, 2014, 02:39:28 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 21, 2014, 04:25:31 pm
Post by: V M on November 25, 2014, 04:06:50 am
Post by: Clhoe G on November 25, 2014, 04:22:51 am
she replies "O <screw> I'M PARALYZED TO!!! "
Post by: dalebert on November 25, 2014, 10:37:58 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 27, 2014, 06:36:43 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 27, 2014, 07:04:21 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 27, 2014, 07:05:39 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 29, 2014, 04:03:51 pm
Post by: Illuminess on November 30, 2014, 01:21:41 am
Does that mean black holes need to check their privilege?
:icon_blink: :eusa_doh:
More attempts at humor here: Illuminess @ Twitter (https://twitter.com/illuminesss)
Post by: dalebert on December 03, 2014, 09:40:17 am
Post by: dalebert on December 04, 2014, 05:12:26 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 05, 2014, 11:22:30 pm
Post by: Illuminess on December 06, 2014, 10:39:37 am
(http://i.imgur.com/iRmJaum.jpg)
Cthulhu's minions grow larger every day..
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10001397_750819761679653_6493750621373974989_n.jpg?oh=1326be8459ad361c636562c26d1b0c30&oe=550ACF12&__gda__=1430727067_f9597e0b8e1d036cdbd243add1e655b7)
Post by: Illuminess on December 06, 2014, 10:41:41 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnbYcB9ctu8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWT07iRvI9M
Post by: Illuminess on December 06, 2014, 12:10:46 pm
Jacopo della Quercia is a writer at Cracked (http://www.cracked.com). He added me to his list "funny people" on Twitter.
Hopefully, with my consistent comedic stabs, he will refer me as a writer.
Post by: dalebert on December 07, 2014, 03:35:20 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/i6VgYoG.jpg)
Post by: Illuminess on December 07, 2014, 06:43:02 pm
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B4Sz5HZCIAAg0sr.png)
Post by: dalebert on December 08, 2014, 12:28:01 am
A human, orc, and elf walk into a bar. The gnome, dwarf, and halfling walk under it.
Post by: fitzyfoop on December 08, 2014, 04:39:48 am
We tell the US Gov that there's oil on other planets.
Post by: V M on December 08, 2014, 05:36:58 am
Post by: fitzyfoop on December 08, 2014, 06:14:43 am
Post by: dalebert on December 08, 2014, 09:17:32 am
Post by: dalebert on December 10, 2014, 03:17:24 pm
Post by: Illuminess on December 10, 2014, 05:09:50 pm
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1898207_307276606150050_8238442388249152954_n.jpg?oh=b3dbb5a307c912654cc5c6313962ccdf&oe=5546AC0B) (https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/150169_307296046148106_4775652873481964280_n.jpg?oh=7c6138bec4e92eb1b7575b4b4ba76001&oe=55014923&__gda__=1427029252_73e1e5fc9f83f624fcd95b180ee55f15)
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1610826_307277056150005_5340228487501463123_n.jpg?oh=38cc1a9780b53a05e7d801530fecf9de&oe=5541FAC8&__gda__=1425907209_3daf41e10bd4648c9346c6d68e1ca3d7)
Post by: V M on December 17, 2014, 12:32:11 am
OMG!!! the Venetians are blind!?!?!?!
Post by: Illuminess on December 19, 2014, 08:33:21 am
I think it sounds a bit like a sci-fi classification in some dystopian future.
△ Come with me if you want to live... in my rainbow commune outside
the Pearl Zone, near the abandoned Clonus facility, beyond the pale. △
:P
Post by: dalebert on December 22, 2014, 02:24:14 pm
Post by: Ms Grace on December 22, 2014, 02:35:31 pm
Booooob!
Post by: dalebert on December 22, 2014, 02:42:57 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 22, 2014, 02:45:48 pm
Post by: AttackDonut on December 22, 2014, 05:03:29 pm
The first nun says "Oh, we've never come this way before."
The second nun says "I know, it's the stones"
(sorry, I'll show myself out)
Post by: dalebert on December 23, 2014, 09:59:47 am
Post by: dalebert on December 23, 2014, 07:45:24 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 23, 2014, 07:46:29 pm
Two nuns are riding bicycles down a cobblestone pathway.
The first nun says "Oh, we've never come this way before."
The second nun says "I know, it's the stones"
(sorry, I'll show myself out)
That's REALLY bad... and therefore totally appropriate for this thread.
Post by: stephaniec on December 23, 2014, 08:17:50 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 23, 2014, 08:49:15 pm
They make up everything.
Post by: stephaniec on December 23, 2014, 09:01:00 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 24, 2014, 02:24:15 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/NumoUJe.jpg)
Post by: stephaniec on December 24, 2014, 02:31:55 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 24, 2014, 02:55:42 pm
Post by: stephaniec on December 24, 2014, 03:21:59 pm
Post by: stephaniec on December 24, 2014, 10:51:14 pm
Post by: stephaniec on December 25, 2014, 02:56:40 am
Post by: dalebert on December 25, 2014, 11:01:46 am
Post by: dalebert on December 25, 2014, 10:34:26 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 25, 2014, 11:17:27 pm
"Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
Post by: dalebert on December 25, 2014, 11:23:09 pm
Post by: stephaniec on December 25, 2014, 11:34:18 pm
Post by: stephaniec on December 25, 2014, 11:48:04 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 28, 2014, 10:43:48 pm
Post by: stephaniec on December 28, 2014, 10:57:21 pm
Post by: Cindy on December 29, 2014, 12:40:20 am
(http://shop.bonesuckin.com/397-large_default/bone-suckin-sauce-16-oz.jpg)
For some reason I almost collapsed in hysterical laughter
Post by: dalebert on January 04, 2015, 11:58:38 am
Post by: ChiGirl on January 04, 2015, 01:27:57 pm
He moved to the dining room. "Honey, come here! I need you." Still, no response.
Finally, he went into the kitchen and stood right behind her, and said "Honey, come here! I need you."
My grandmother turned around and said "For the third time, I'll be right there!"
Post by: Laci Marie on January 05, 2015, 06:26:13 pm
...Five! ...Six! ...Seven! ...Eight!!
Post by: dalebert on January 05, 2015, 06:41:21 pm
Click for the answer (http://imgur.com/0PblwcX)
Post by: dalebert on January 05, 2015, 11:58:51 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 06, 2015, 02:45:13 am
Post by: dalebert on January 06, 2015, 12:08:42 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/WSHodMy.jpg)
And I responded "Homophones? Can you only talk to people on the same kind of phone as you?"
Post by: dalebert on January 06, 2015, 01:14:24 pm
Post by: Dee Marshall on January 06, 2015, 04:26:31 pm
And I responded "Homophones? Can you only talk to people on the same kind of phone as you?"I always thought the "homophone might be what Batman had in the batcave if that crazy psychologist in the 50's had been right.
Dee
(Him or the "Ambiguously Gay Duo")
Post by: Cindy on January 07, 2015, 01:12:11 am
Ambulance center receives a call.
My wife has gone into labor and I don't know what to do!!
Is this her first child?
No this is her husband.
Post by: dalebert on January 07, 2015, 12:47:10 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 07, 2015, 12:55:25 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 07, 2015, 01:17:33 pm
Post by: Dee Marshall on January 07, 2015, 10:36:09 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2sr4krE5Ns
Does the boob fairy use pliers or something? They hurt worse than ever right now. Well, no pain no gain, right?
Post by: dalebert on January 10, 2015, 06:46:58 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 10, 2015, 07:41:29 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 10, 2015, 11:01:06 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 11, 2015, 07:34:04 am
Post by: dalebert on January 11, 2015, 08:56:03 pm
Set a man on fire and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
Post by: dalebert on January 11, 2015, 09:16:52 pm
Post by: V M on January 11, 2015, 09:22:05 pm
They who go to bed with itchy butthole, wake up with stinky finger
Post by: dalebert on January 11, 2015, 10:17:12 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/gfb4pHQ.jpg)
Post by: ErinReign on January 11, 2015, 11:35:01 pm
Oh... Puma...Ski glove company Pow, but still....
(http://i.imgur.com/gfb4pHQ.jpg)
Knock Knock... Who's there?... Owls... Owls who?... Yes they do.
Post by: dalebert on January 15, 2015, 12:57:07 pm
Post by: Beth Andrea on January 15, 2015, 01:03:20 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/sxpNz2K.jpg)
Wasn't there another one before this?
Post by: stephaniec on January 15, 2015, 01:28:42 pm
Post by: Beth Andrea on January 15, 2015, 02:12:39 pm
:)
The value of a mole...;)
Post by: dalebert on January 15, 2015, 09:28:40 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 15, 2015, 09:38:27 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 15, 2015, 09:39:56 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 15, 2015, 09:40:38 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 15, 2015, 09:41:15 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 17, 2015, 08:18:47 am
Post by: dalebert on January 17, 2015, 12:35:34 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/rMtLodn.jpg)
Post by: stephaniec on January 17, 2015, 01:28:29 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 18, 2015, 03:08:01 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 18, 2015, 03:16:36 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 18, 2015, 04:36:05 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 18, 2015, 05:39:33 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 18, 2015, 08:39:11 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 19, 2015, 03:35:04 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 19, 2015, 03:46:39 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 19, 2015, 07:48:27 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 19, 2015, 07:56:24 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 19, 2015, 11:46:28 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 20, 2015, 11:48:41 am
Post by: stephaniec on January 20, 2015, 08:33:58 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 22, 2015, 12:46:06 am
Post by: Monika the diva on January 22, 2015, 11:30:29 pm
"I am transgender and i will say to you all. I know some of my trans brothers and sisters get upset and angry when people in general use the word <transgender person> and get offended. I will not get offended because growing up i never thought that it meant transgender. Growing up i always thought <transgender person> was part of the car. When my dad owned the last used car he owned the <transgender person> broke. He said "The damn <transgender person>'s broke and i got to fix it." I never thought that my dad had a hamster wheel in his car with a broken transgender person in it.
Post by: dalebert on January 26, 2015, 05:12:49 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 26, 2015, 05:54:28 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 26, 2015, 06:52:37 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 26, 2015, 07:53:45 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 26, 2015, 08:03:08 pm
Post by: Illuminess on January 27, 2015, 10:35:47 pm
We'll let you know when we're done crying over all the clothes that don't fit!
Post by: stephaniec on January 27, 2015, 10:57:55 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 28, 2015, 07:02:09 am
Post by: dalebert on January 28, 2015, 05:17:30 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 28, 2015, 05:47:33 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 28, 2015, 06:17:30 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 28, 2015, 09:45:50 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 28, 2015, 10:07:39 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 29, 2015, 01:44:22 am
Post by: K Style Addiction on January 29, 2015, 06:30:10 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/OSVOu5F.png)
When i first saw this on TV i didn't get it...now i finally do LOL.
Post by: Elle.R on January 30, 2015, 03:35:35 pm
What's someone who touches mols called?... a molester
*mol is the unit of measurement for chemical substances*
Post by: stephaniec on January 30, 2015, 04:31:50 pm
Post by: Cindy on January 30, 2015, 04:48:37 pm
Nothing, just waved.
Post by: Beth Andrea on January 30, 2015, 08:00:03 pm
:)
WE'RE #n/n!!!
...and sometimes we are end over end, too...
Post by: stephaniec on January 31, 2015, 02:46:40 am
Post by: dalebert on January 31, 2015, 09:55:40 am
Post by: stephaniec on January 31, 2015, 10:27:35 am
Post by: stephaniec on January 31, 2015, 10:45:00 am
Post by: dalebert on January 31, 2015, 05:04:32 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 31, 2015, 05:05:10 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 31, 2015, 05:06:48 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 31, 2015, 05:31:05 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/wqZ1ZMe.jpg)
Post by: stephaniec on January 31, 2015, 05:58:36 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 31, 2015, 06:24:09 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 31, 2015, 06:44:03 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 31, 2015, 06:48:59 pm
Post by: stephaniec on January 31, 2015, 11:59:05 pm
Post by: immortal gypsy on February 01, 2015, 12:30:45 am
I wake up every three hours crying and hungry
Post by: Illuminess on February 01, 2015, 08:29:47 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 02, 2015, 11:52:08 am
Post by: dalebert on February 02, 2015, 01:23:20 pm
Post by: stephaniec on February 02, 2015, 05:11:43 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 02, 2015, 06:29:31 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/BC169cx.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on February 02, 2015, 09:02:44 pm
Post by: stephaniec on February 02, 2015, 09:30:38 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 02, 2015, 10:58:22 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/VxfoKxk.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on February 02, 2015, 11:41:25 pm
Post by: Illuminess on February 03, 2015, 01:40:50 am
Post by: dalebert on February 03, 2015, 08:23:04 am
You'll only get this if you watched Super Bowl ads, but then you'll realize that this is a REALLY bad joke. >:-)
Post by: stephaniec on February 04, 2015, 11:27:36 pm
Post by: stephaniec on February 04, 2015, 11:34:18 pm
Post by: V M on February 04, 2015, 11:46:48 pm
Wait, that would actually make sense
Nevermind
Post by: dalebert on February 05, 2015, 09:01:19 am
It would help to post jokes that people could actually see
I don't get it. Can you not see some of them?
Post by: stephaniec on February 05, 2015, 09:45:12 am
Post by: stephaniec on February 05, 2015, 01:16:19 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 05, 2015, 02:26:21 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bojs9Qbj0ks
Post by: dalebert on February 05, 2015, 02:49:06 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 05, 2015, 03:09:30 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 05, 2015, 08:27:31 pm
Post by: stephaniec on February 06, 2015, 04:10:19 pm
Post by: Beth Andrea on February 06, 2015, 04:44:46 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/MZntZyw.jpg)
ST:TNG reference Capt Picard/Locutus...with an unusual hat...
I don't get it. Please explain
Post by: immortal gypsy on February 06, 2015, 04:58:15 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/MZntZyw.jpg)ST:TNG reference Capt Picard/Locutus...with an unusual hat...
I don't get it. Please explain
Heisen'BORG'
"He is the one who assimilates"
Post by: Devlyn on February 06, 2015, 05:18:33 pm
I don't get it. Can you not see some of them?
This one crashed my phone twice:
http://i.imgur.com/SXP5nfQ.gifv
Not sure what the android doesn't like there, but it doesn't.
Post by: dalebert on February 06, 2015, 08:07:58 pm
Post by: stephaniec on February 06, 2015, 08:12:26 pm
Post by: Kittenswithmittens on February 07, 2015, 04:44:04 am
Post by: Dee Marshall on February 07, 2015, 07:44:02 am
Post by: dalebert on February 07, 2015, 11:16:08 pm
Post by: Illuminess on February 08, 2015, 04:35:47 am
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10868109_10153025188748851_2503020882352437152_n.jpg?oh=a10aa5575bc907037cf8a6717446f421&oe=556694FF)
Post by: infinity on February 11, 2015, 08:20:23 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 13, 2015, 10:07:01 am
Post by: stephaniec on February 13, 2015, 11:05:20 am
Post by: dalebert on February 13, 2015, 09:45:44 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 14, 2015, 08:09:17 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIBvt7mKuMo
Post by: dalebert on February 14, 2015, 08:11:42 am
See more prankster subway signs here!
http://prosign.tumblr.com/post/33766157596/someone-has-made-fake-london-underground-signs
Post by: dalebert on February 14, 2015, 11:35:39 am
http://wow58-62.diply.com/wowmazing/awesome-valentines-cards/88691
Post by: dalebert on February 14, 2015, 03:33:14 pm
Post by: Monika the diva on February 14, 2015, 08:46:16 pm
Guy: (with an accent) that will be $4.27.
I paid the man that amount.
Guy: Thank you sir!
I turn around and I was a little annoyed.
Me: Excuse me but do I look like a sir to you?
He didn't know how to respond so I walked out and he ends with
Guy: Thank you come again!
As I was walking out to my car.
I thought to myself "<not allowed> that guy. I'm never coming back. That guy can suck my dick while I still have it."
Post by: dalebert on February 14, 2015, 08:54:25 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2015, 04:16:46 pm
Post by: StrykerXIII on February 16, 2015, 04:27:08 pm
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/e9/33/38/e933382b6e7935c1c9eadb6f3f062c0a.jpg)
(https://tempholdingspot.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/puns1.jpg)
Post by: infinity on February 16, 2015, 04:31:37 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2015, 05:08:04 pm
Post by: StrykerXIII on February 16, 2015, 05:13:40 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/ot2QLiQ.gif)
I'm not quite sure I understand the context of this one. I'm an atheist, and all I see here is a guy banging a dead squirrel against a canvas.
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2015, 06:34:58 pm
I think it's a sarcastic jab at evolution that's not meant to be taken seriously. In other words, it's probably by atheists poking fun at silly arguments against evolution.
Post by: Devlyn on February 16, 2015, 06:43:37 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2015, 06:50:43 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2015, 06:52:24 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/jw7shuF.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2015, 07:18:14 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2015, 10:07:22 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2015, 10:24:14 pm
Post by: infinity on February 17, 2015, 08:51:22 pm
Post by: Vanny on February 17, 2015, 08:58:56 pm
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Post by: JustASeq on February 18, 2015, 03:05:43 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/ot2QLiQ.gif)
Is that like Schrödinger's squirrel or something?
Post by: Cynobyte on February 19, 2015, 02:50:33 am
Post by: Cynobyte on February 19, 2015, 02:52:06 am
Fixed
Post by: Tripdistrans on February 19, 2015, 02:58:50 am
I went shopping today for some camouflage pants, I couldn't find any.
Post by: V M on February 19, 2015, 03:09:53 am
What happens when an American gets turned on? - Everyone hides their Apple Pie
What happens when a Canadian gets turned on? - The Moose run and hide
What happens when a German gets turned on? - They play a game called Stuka
What happens when a Russian gets turned on? - They attack their nearest Neighbor
Post by: dalebert on February 19, 2015, 09:36:51 am
Post by: dalebert on February 20, 2015, 08:25:58 am
(http://i.imgur.com/l8hu4cm.jpg)
Post by: infinity on February 22, 2015, 12:13:53 pm
christian bale.
Post by: Kellam on February 22, 2015, 12:24:52 pm
Blue paint!
Post by: dalebert on February 22, 2015, 03:04:15 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/uAmutQt.jpg)
Post by: infinity on February 22, 2015, 03:19:38 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 22, 2015, 03:21:56 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 22, 2015, 03:22:24 pm
if you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit. they're usually around 90 degrees.
Ninja-ed!
Post by: dalebert on February 22, 2015, 04:20:10 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 22, 2015, 05:18:50 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 23, 2015, 01:20:17 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/FlMI12o.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on February 23, 2015, 08:45:24 pm
Post by: LordKAT on February 25, 2015, 12:05:15 am
Polaroids
Post by: dalebert on February 25, 2015, 08:25:18 am
Post by: dalebert on February 25, 2015, 08:30:01 am
Post by: dalebert on February 25, 2015, 09:27:57 am
Post by: dalebert on February 25, 2015, 05:44:38 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/8a3Os6J.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on February 25, 2015, 06:16:15 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 25, 2015, 06:32:22 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 25, 2015, 08:08:34 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 28, 2015, 08:48:28 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 01, 2015, 04:04:10 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/OsRO5qX.png)
Post by: dalebert on March 01, 2015, 04:05:24 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 01, 2015, 04:07:32 pm
Post by: Kellam on March 02, 2015, 07:05:05 am
1 2 3 4!
Post by: Kellam on March 02, 2015, 07:07:17 am
Post by: dalebert on March 02, 2015, 02:10:03 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 03, 2015, 07:39:35 am
Post by: dalebert on March 03, 2015, 07:40:24 am
I'm going to be muttering "camelflage" to myself all day today...thanks...
Your welcome!
Post by: dalebert on March 03, 2015, 08:01:35 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 03, 2015, 08:09:12 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 04, 2015, 07:46:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 04, 2015, 10:08:26 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 04, 2015, 11:14:33 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 05, 2015, 12:29:33 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 05, 2015, 01:05:40 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 07, 2015, 11:50:22 am
Post by: V M on March 09, 2015, 06:22:31 pm
Post by: marsh monster on March 09, 2015, 06:26:55 pm
What's the difference between _*insert name*_ and a fence post? Not much, they're both a dense stick in the mudI'm only back a few hours and you're already talking bad about me?
Post by: V M on March 09, 2015, 06:29:34 pm
I'm only back a few hours and you're already talking bad about me?
Nope, someone else, you'll have to wait your turn >:-)
Post by: dalebert on March 10, 2015, 09:17:30 am
Post by: dalebert on March 10, 2015, 07:23:37 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 10, 2015, 08:51:29 pm
Post by: infinity on March 10, 2015, 08:53:43 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/lPmliTt.jpg)
you've ruined disney! :D
Post by: dalebert on March 10, 2015, 08:55:13 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/LHEflXT.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on March 10, 2015, 09:12:20 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 10, 2015, 09:12:59 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 11, 2015, 08:50:48 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 12, 2015, 11:09:43 am
Post by: dalebert on March 12, 2015, 01:27:07 pm
I saw a hypnotist last night, he hypnotised seven men and then dropped the mic on his foot "OH BUGGER ME!" He shouted.....what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life...
Post by: dalebert on March 14, 2015, 07:43:33 am
Post by: dalebert on March 14, 2015, 09:53:41 am
Post by: dalebert on March 14, 2015, 11:19:01 am
(http://i.imgur.com/KhdJlOt.png)
Post by: dalebert on March 14, 2015, 11:29:46 am
Post by: dalebert on March 14, 2015, 12:33:14 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/ixQJGi0.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on March 14, 2015, 01:33:34 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 14, 2015, 02:10:49 pm
Post by: Devlyn on March 14, 2015, 02:38:19 pm
(https://i.imgur.com/1f0jYz4.jpg)
That's wrong on so many levels! :laugh:
Post by: dalebert on March 14, 2015, 09:57:14 pm
That's wrong on so many levels! :laugh:
Sometimes I get "bad" and "wrong" mixed up in this thread. It's all "good", I guess, in a manner of speaking. >:-)
Post by: Devlyn on March 14, 2015, 10:33:55 pm
Sometimes I get "bad" and "wrong" mixed up in this thread. It's all "good", I guess, in a manner of speaking. >:-)
Amen!
Post by: dalebert on March 15, 2015, 08:08:03 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 15, 2015, 11:13:19 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 15, 2015, 11:19:07 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 17, 2015, 01:59:03 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 17, 2015, 02:20:26 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/C1UDuaR.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on March 17, 2015, 02:22:46 pm
One of my favorites:
Why can't you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?
They always take things literally
Post by: dalebert on March 17, 2015, 11:29:08 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 18, 2015, 09:22:08 am
Post by: dalebert on March 18, 2015, 11:25:24 am
http://www.somethingawful.com/news/humane-cat-adoption/
Post by: dalebert on March 18, 2015, 10:49:06 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 19, 2015, 08:29:38 am
(https://33.media.tumblr.com/3ac2d923d5db2dc0290cd4c0716bb67b/tumblr_nlbpniy77Z1snteogo1_r1_500.gif)
Post by: dalebert on March 19, 2015, 01:31:42 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 20, 2015, 12:24:19 pm
Post by: Dee Marshall on March 20, 2015, 12:57:37 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/IheSv1L.jpg)Twenty yard penalty for excessive cuteness.
Post by: dalebert on March 22, 2015, 09:08:37 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 23, 2015, 09:40:09 am
Post by: dalebert on March 23, 2015, 09:53:28 am
Post by: dalebert on March 23, 2015, 09:28:40 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 23, 2015, 09:31:38 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 23, 2015, 11:16:43 pm
Post by: Cindy on March 23, 2015, 11:28:57 pm
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
Post by: dalebert on March 24, 2015, 05:45:11 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwxlI8sdAcM
Post by: dalebert on March 25, 2015, 12:19:16 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 25, 2015, 02:45:53 pm
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Post by: dalebert on March 25, 2015, 07:47:58 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 25, 2015, 08:25:59 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 25, 2015, 08:46:19 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 25, 2015, 09:29:45 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 25, 2015, 10:53:10 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/My71hAq.jpg)
Post by: Lady Smith on March 26, 2015, 01:23:01 am
After getting all of Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
Ha ha, I'm going to remember that one and tell it to some of my friends at church.
Post by: dalebert on March 26, 2015, 08:36:42 am
Post by: rachel89 on March 26, 2015, 11:02:39 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 27, 2015, 12:05:16 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 27, 2015, 04:18:21 pm
(http://36.media.tumblr.com/6c3a43fa4bfd0a9876dd9b5db177906d/tumblr_mu6jioFahz1s7vcw5o1_1280.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on March 27, 2015, 08:51:03 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 29, 2015, 11:10:08 am
(http://i.imgur.com/f9kgUGY.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on March 29, 2015, 11:43:38 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 30, 2015, 12:01:12 am
Post by: Cindy on March 30, 2015, 12:06:32 am
(http://i.imgur.com/gQ2iGJs.jpg)
And this weeks award goes to Dalebert - good one!
Post by: Cindy on March 30, 2015, 01:31:35 am
The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."
The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"
Post by: Cynobyte on March 31, 2015, 12:23:07 am
Post by: Aubrey1day on March 31, 2015, 11:24:31 am
Post by: dalebert on April 01, 2015, 01:05:13 am
Post by: dalebert on April 01, 2015, 10:46:36 am
Post by: dalebert on April 01, 2015, 04:47:33 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2ED7fgji08
Post by: Lady Smith on April 01, 2015, 06:49:28 pm
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11080962_1572610003010373_5389574637774849433_n.jpg?oh=bb7e2a8e10af80bcb0612621b2501159&oe=55ADABB2&__gda__=1438512856_143c43854c8c798d634bf166f54e3537)
Post by: dalebert on April 01, 2015, 11:33:09 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 01, 2015, 11:38:13 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 02, 2015, 09:15:51 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_QYzDFw9oY
Post by: ainsley on April 02, 2015, 01:42:48 pm
Quote
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
Post by: Cindy on April 02, 2015, 04:45:00 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 03, 2015, 08:08:33 am
Post by: dalebert on April 03, 2015, 08:09:18 am
That was awful, thank you!
With that much setup, you KNOW a bad joke is on the way! ;D
Post by: ainsley on April 03, 2015, 08:25:31 am
With that much setup, you KNOW a bad joke is on the way! ;D
Ha, that is my Dad's style, for sure! He has a ton of them.
Post by: ChiGirl on April 03, 2015, 08:26:29 am
Post by: dalebert on April 03, 2015, 08:48:43 am
(http://cf.broadsheet.ie/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/rolls.jpg)
It's like this was made especially for Susan's Place.
Post by: Cindy on April 03, 2015, 04:52:20 pm
Possibly someones needs to learn how to spell?
Post by: V M on April 03, 2015, 06:55:55 pm
The barkeep says "No sorry, don't have any moonshine, it would be illegal"
Were upon the cow turns about, lifts it's tail and says "Well ya do now!!!"
Post by: jeni on April 03, 2015, 08:09:43 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/v2hwE0t.jpg)
I actually came out to a friend over IM on April 1 this year. She was kinda upset I chose that day of all days.
Fortunately she did not need to make a similar apology, though it did take a few minutes before she was convinced I wasn't messing with her.
Post by: Beth Andrea on April 03, 2015, 10:16:54 pm
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1926913_10152331855249561_7851421594857149745_n.jpg?oh=5b6a61aaf4c851ddc4ac01ebdf224d59&oe=55BE5D67&__gda__=1437723736_8099028d2da1f43d9832473e09ee1b87 (https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1926913_10152331855249561_7851421594857149745_n.jpg?oh=5b6a61aaf4c851ddc4ac01ebdf224d59&oe=55BE5D67&__gda__=1437723736_8099028d2da1f43d9832473e09ee1b87)
Possibly someones needs to learn how to spell?
Either that, or the church needs to burglar-proof the sign... ;)
Post by: dalebert on April 04, 2015, 08:54:36 am
Post by: dalebert on April 05, 2015, 09:01:18 am
Post by: ChiGirl on April 05, 2015, 10:20:25 am
Post by: dalebert on April 05, 2015, 12:23:05 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/vpzm6fP.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on April 05, 2015, 03:58:01 pm
Post by: V M on April 05, 2015, 06:59:56 pm
Instigator - Definition of instigator (ĭn′stĭ-gāt′arrr) 1. An alligator that suddenly appears
Post by: Lady Smith on April 05, 2015, 08:34:25 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 05, 2015, 11:55:35 pm
Post by: V M on April 06, 2015, 09:36:14 am
Still feeling lonely, she started going to group therapy sessions
When asked what her favorite activity was she replied...
"Well, since I'd got my <vagina> stuffed I tend to just lay about watching the TV while I stroke it"
Post by: Devlyn on April 06, 2015, 09:37:56 am
(http://i.imgur.com/OsHu6JM.jpg)
The Green Green Grass Of Home!
Post by: marsh monster on April 06, 2015, 12:21:15 pm
From the movie Shanghai Calling which I am watching now and heard this in it and thought it was a good fit.
"Hey, you should go to Bangkok, I know this really hot masseuse there, her name is Kevin"
Post by: Beth Andrea on April 06, 2015, 02:48:09 pm
My meager contribution.
From the movie Shanghai Calling which I am watching now and heard this in it and thought it was a good fit.
"Hey, you should go to Bangkok, I know this really hot masseuse there, her name is Kevin"
OMG...*checks Netflix*
Post by: dalebert on April 07, 2015, 03:16:34 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 07, 2015, 03:18:07 pm
Post by: ainsley on April 07, 2015, 03:53:11 pm
That one makes me laugh every time I see it, dalebert.
Post by: dalebert on April 07, 2015, 09:02:32 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 07, 2015, 09:45:20 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 07, 2015, 11:17:42 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 07, 2015, 11:24:59 pm
An extroverted engineer looks at your feet when he talks to you.
Post by: dalebert on April 08, 2015, 07:35:39 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 09, 2015, 07:35:33 am
-- See more quotes --
(http://i.imgur.com/Ls2myIU.png)
(http://randommization.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/fitness-quotes-for-getting-drunk.jpg) (http://randommization.com/2013/09/12/if-you-add-drunk-people-to-fitness-quotes-things-get-hilarious/)
Post by: dalebert on April 09, 2015, 08:02:33 am
(http://i.imgur.com/k08HBwH.jpg) (http://imgur.com/a/rQgwM)
Post by: dalebert on April 09, 2015, 09:22:47 am
Post by: dalebert on April 09, 2015, 11:38:28 am
Post by: dalebert on April 12, 2015, 10:22:40 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 13, 2015, 10:43:15 am
(http://i.imgur.com/VqnbDLn.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on April 13, 2015, 10:44:34 am
(http://i.imgur.com/DRFigUc.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on April 13, 2015, 01:18:59 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 13, 2015, 07:30:21 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 13, 2015, 07:42:55 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 13, 2015, 07:51:03 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 13, 2015, 08:54:29 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 14, 2015, 06:52:30 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 14, 2015, 08:25:42 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 15, 2015, 09:47:49 am
http://www.tickld.com/x/irs-accuses-this-man-of-hiding-money-his-response-is-genius
Post by: dalebert on April 15, 2015, 03:44:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 15, 2015, 04:09:19 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 15, 2015, 06:13:38 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 15, 2015, 07:03:26 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 15, 2015, 08:36:52 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 16, 2015, 03:46:51 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 16, 2015, 03:55:23 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 16, 2015, 04:10:20 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 16, 2015, 04:16:53 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 16, 2015, 04:17:27 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 16, 2015, 04:26:15 pm
Post by: fitzyfoop on April 16, 2015, 04:26:37 pm
I'm part Irish so I'm allowed to tell this joke, but don't any of you non-Irish folk tell it or I'll be offended!Part Irish doesn't cut it. You have to be fully Irish to tell this joke, and I fit the criteriaolice:
(http://i.imgur.com/C1UDuaR.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on April 17, 2015, 07:35:50 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 19, 2015, 07:43:44 pm
When Satan is constipated, he eats Hellman’s mustard.
Satan took my colander. No surprise: He is the Great De-Siever.
Even after Hell was incorporated, Satan retained soul ownership.
I slept with the devil last night. We had six 3 times!
People with stinky feet are scent toe hell.
With recent budget cuts, Satan has had to cut back on regular maintenance, which has left Hades in a state of grim repair.
Why did the pope forbid Catholics from traveling to the land of the beavers?
Because – he wanted them to avoid dam nation!
(http://i.imgur.com/cdQ37HF.gif)
(http://i.imgur.com/zWFkE2G.jpg)
Post by: Devlyn on April 19, 2015, 07:46:59 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 20, 2015, 07:17:25 am
Post by: dalebert on April 20, 2015, 07:18:54 am
Dalebert grabbed the Devyl's post! >:-)
What the Heck, Devlyn? I left you an eight minute window of opportunity to grab that spot. You gotta get on the ball! >:-)
Post by: fitzyfoop on April 20, 2015, 07:21:58 am
Post by: dalebert on April 20, 2015, 07:22:44 am
Post by: fitzyfoop on April 20, 2015, 07:26:42 am
Post by: dalebert on April 20, 2015, 08:48:27 am
Post by: Dee Marshall on April 20, 2015, 10:12:48 am
[Link Removed]
Post by: dalebert on April 20, 2015, 10:39:12 am
Post by: fitzyfoop on April 20, 2015, 10:40:40 am
Post by: ainsley on April 20, 2015, 11:10:56 am
*stares at Dalebert blankly* Could you please explain the baseball joke?
This should help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg
Post by: dalebert on April 20, 2015, 04:54:56 pm
Post by: fitzyfoop on April 20, 2015, 04:59:09 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 20, 2015, 06:08:35 pm
This should help:
"Abbot & Costello's Who's on First"
Whenever I've thought back on that skit, I always imagine it really stupid. Truth is, when I re-watched it just today, it had me seriously cracking up. This is my conclusion. The skit itself IS stupid, but those two are just so talented in their delivery!
Post by: Dee Marshall on April 20, 2015, 06:37:01 pm
Whenever I've thought back on that skit, I always imagine it really stupid. Truth is, when I re-watched it just today, it had me seriously cracking up. This is my conclusion. The skit itself IS stupid, but those two are just so talented in their delivery!The Baseball Hall of Fame has uniform shirts and hats for that skit and it plays continuously on a screen on one floor. I have the third baseman's jersey that I wear to pro games.
Post by: dalebert on April 20, 2015, 10:56:56 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 21, 2015, 08:47:27 am
Post by: dalebert on April 21, 2015, 08:48:52 am
Post by: dalebert on April 22, 2015, 12:44:12 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 22, 2015, 02:07:34 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 22, 2015, 09:37:12 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 23, 2015, 09:17:51 am
Post by: dalebert on April 23, 2015, 10:40:02 am
Post by: dalebert on April 25, 2015, 05:22:52 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 27, 2015, 02:32:12 pm
Post by: rachel89 on April 27, 2015, 07:05:10 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 27, 2015, 08:57:11 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 28, 2015, 05:21:27 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 29, 2015, 01:02:28 pm
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? He was feeling crumby.
Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself? He had no body to go with him.
Why does Snoop Dog use an umbrella? For Drizzle.
Sourced from this video in which he reads from a teen magazine.
https://youtu.be/tGnEHBiEjDk?t=11m50s
Post by: dalebert on April 29, 2015, 05:41:08 pm
Post by: dalebert on April 30, 2015, 12:41:27 pm
The farmer says, "Okay. Just stay out of that fenced in field over there."
The DEA officer whips out a billfold with a fancy-looking badge inside and says "Do you see this badge? This badge is backed up by the authority of the Federal government that says I can inspect every *)#$ing inch of your property if I so desire. Don't you dare *)#$ing tell me where I can inspect."
The farmer shrugs and gets back to work while the DEA agent, still red-faced from anger, jumps over the fence. A few minutes later the farmer hears screams of terror off in the distance. He drops his tools and runs over to the fence and sees the DEA agent running from an enormous bull that's rapidly gaining on him.
The farmer screams to him, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"
Post by: dalebert on May 01, 2015, 07:27:27 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 01, 2015, 07:30:52 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 01, 2015, 07:38:12 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 04, 2015, 01:51:44 pm
Click for answer (http://imgur.com/VEmq3Qg)
Post by: ChiGirl on May 04, 2015, 02:21:30 pm
Whenever I've thought back on that skit, I always imagine it really stupid. Truth is, when I re-watched it just today, it had me seriously cracking up. This is my conclusion. The skit itself IS stupid, but those two are just so talented in their delivery!The Kids in the Hall did a brilliant sketch based on "Who's on First?"
https://youtu.be/qDo4JeRsVE4
Post by: dalebert on May 10, 2015, 08:12:03 pm
(http://www.amplifyingglass.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/07-WO6MQiN.png?7005fa) (http://www.amplifyingglass.com/archer-quotes-on-james-bond-images/)
Post by: V M on May 10, 2015, 08:38:01 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 11, 2015, 08:41:35 am
Post by: dalebert on May 11, 2015, 02:50:10 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 12, 2015, 09:04:51 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 13, 2015, 06:19:58 am
Post by: dalebert on May 13, 2015, 11:55:03 am
(http://i.imgur.com/SdtV4nj.png)
Post by: dalebert on May 14, 2015, 08:20:41 pm
Post by: Beth Andrea on May 14, 2015, 09:38:30 pm
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14 day diet in just 3 hours and 12 minutes!
Post by: dalebert on May 16, 2015, 11:22:49 pm
Post by: kelly_1979 on May 17, 2015, 02:07:15 am
To get to the same side.
Post by: dalebert on May 17, 2015, 07:29:55 am
Post by: dalebert on May 17, 2015, 04:11:18 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 18, 2015, 08:18:01 am
Post by: dalebert on May 19, 2015, 02:21:10 pm
Post by: rachel89 on May 19, 2015, 10:43:42 pm
What's black and never works?Was I imagiing things, or was that "Left Shark" ;D
Click for answer (http://imgur.com/VEmq3Qg)
Post by: rachel89 on May 19, 2015, 10:46:12 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 20, 2015, 08:52:52 am
ummm.. i posted a completely irrelevant response to the wrong joke
Now THAT's funny!
Post by: dalebert on May 20, 2015, 02:37:21 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 20, 2015, 10:19:03 pm
Post by: stephaniec on May 20, 2015, 11:33:33 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 21, 2015, 11:06:20 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 24, 2015, 06:28:32 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 25, 2015, 02:34:36 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 25, 2015, 09:09:27 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 26, 2015, 09:08:47 am
Post by: dalebert on May 27, 2015, 11:51:48 am
Post by: dalebert on May 27, 2015, 03:45:36 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/gmrjqtN.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on May 27, 2015, 04:44:58 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/8fy4MdZ.gif)
Post by: Lady Smith on May 27, 2015, 07:01:34 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 28, 2015, 10:05:01 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 29, 2015, 11:47:50 am
Post by: dalebert on May 29, 2015, 11:50:27 am
(http://i.imgur.com/ZLIlkY5.jpg)
And this reminds me of another which I prolly already told, but whatevs.
How can you tell if someone's a vegan?
Oh, they'll tell you!
Post by: stephaniec on May 29, 2015, 12:35:15 pm
Post by: Marly on May 29, 2015, 12:41:55 pm
Post by: stephaniec on May 29, 2015, 01:49:21 pm
Post by: dalebert on May 29, 2015, 10:06:36 pm
Post by: LordKAT on June 07, 2015, 02:05:47 am
Post by: Lady Smith on June 07, 2015, 04:05:21 am
Post by: Dee Marshall on June 07, 2015, 07:50:29 am
This is bad, sorry.
Then I thought, "they could keep the name."
I'm sorry, I know we're not supposed to post stuff that degrades people, but I had to share it to get it out of my system. Mods, feel free to delete.
Post by: ChiGirl on June 07, 2015, 08:43:41 am
One muffin says to the other muffin, "Is it hot in here or is it me?"
The other muffin says, "AAAAAAAA!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!! AAAAAAAA!!!
Post by: Beth Andrea on June 07, 2015, 11:24:38 am
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
...Finding half a worm.
Post by: Marly on June 08, 2015, 05:08:04 pm
Post by: dalebert on June 14, 2015, 03:09:40 pm
Post by: dalebert on June 15, 2015, 08:05:58 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/9NHiCc0.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/XYrss4S.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/qiLTVeF.jpg)
Post by: V M on June 15, 2015, 10:29:08 pm
Post by: Cindy on June 16, 2015, 02:33:31 am
< not sure if that is even a joke :laugh:>
Post by: dalebert on June 16, 2015, 06:31:49 am
Post by: dalebert on June 17, 2015, 02:41:55 pm
Post by: Beth Andrea on June 17, 2015, 09:24:30 pm
Post by: rachel89 on June 17, 2015, 11:32:17 pm
Post by: rachel89 on June 17, 2015, 11:37:55 pm
A:Iron, Lithium, and Neon.
Post by: Beth Andrea on June 18, 2015, 11:59:08 am
Q:What are cats made of?
A:Iron, Lithium, and Neon.
LOL...got it in ~15 seconds!
;D
Post by: big kim on June 18, 2015, 03:01:47 pm
Pull yourself together
Post by: rachel89 on June 18, 2015, 08:23:11 pm
Post by: dalebert on June 20, 2015, 10:45:11 pm
Post by: rachel89 on June 21, 2015, 12:07:38 am
Post by: rachel89 on June 21, 2015, 12:10:32 am
Doctor: "I assure you, anyone who can pay my fees is not a failure."
Post by: stephaniec on June 21, 2015, 12:29:15 am
Post by: dalebert on June 21, 2015, 08:56:55 pm
Post by: rachel89 on June 22, 2015, 02:06:07 am
A: Ground beef.
Post by: rachel89 on June 22, 2015, 02:23:07 am
A: Because he looked like a hardened criminal!
Post by: rachel89 on June 22, 2015, 02:26:53 am
A: because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan ;)
Post by: Lady Smith on June 22, 2015, 03:25:53 am
Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors.
A: because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan ;)
:laugh: :icon_giggle: :icon_lol:
Post by: rachel89 on June 22, 2015, 09:17:24 am
Post by: rachel89 on June 22, 2015, 09:23:38 am
Post by: Beth Andrea on June 22, 2015, 09:39:10 am
So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chap-stick... and put it on my bill"
Got any grapes?
Post by: rachel89 on June 22, 2015, 10:21:31 am
Post by: rachel89 on June 22, 2015, 10:21:59 am
Post by: rachel89 on June 22, 2015, 10:24:40 am
A: Shark-infested mashed potatoes :P
Post by: marsh monster on June 22, 2015, 04:40:52 pm
Got any grapes?I love the duck song...
Post by: Beth Andrea on June 22, 2015, 06:48:21 pm
I love the duck song...
^-^
Post by: rachel89 on June 23, 2015, 01:24:12 pm
A: A transister!!
<groan>
Post by: ainsley on June 23, 2015, 01:35:07 pm
Post by: rachel89 on June 23, 2015, 03:04:38 pm
Post by: rachel89 on June 23, 2015, 03:17:44 pm
Post by: Marlee on June 27, 2015, 02:54:25 pm
That is, until I told him that sex with three was called a threesome, and sex with two is called a twosome
..are you sure you want to be called handsome?
Post by: dalebert on June 28, 2015, 09:57:41 pm
Post by: Beth Andrea on June 28, 2015, 10:39:18 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q
Post by: dalebert on June 29, 2015, 10:39:17 am
(http://i.imgur.com/kG0tett.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on June 29, 2015, 01:18:23 pm
Post by: dalebert on June 29, 2015, 01:19:02 pm
Post by: dalebert on June 29, 2015, 01:21:23 pm
Post by: dalebert on June 29, 2015, 02:13:04 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/bL41uPl.gif)
Post by: dalebert on June 29, 2015, 09:27:56 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/Ydu6E9Z.png)
Post by: ChiGirl on June 29, 2015, 10:15:13 pm
This one is so old...Biting into an apple and finding a half eaten worm.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
...Finding half a worm.
Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk
Post by: rachel89 on June 30, 2015, 01:53:28 am
1. You explain the terms cis and trans to people using the positions of a functional groups on a carbon chain as an analogy.
2...
Post by: dalebert on June 30, 2015, 08:24:16 am
Post by: rachel89 on June 30, 2015, 10:58:12 am
A: They put the milk bottles on a conveyor belt and they move it faster and faster until its "past your eyes" <groan>
Post by: dalebert on June 30, 2015, 11:02:24 am
Post by: dalebert on July 02, 2015, 10:08:26 am
Post by: Promethea on July 02, 2015, 11:13:57 am
A stick.
--------------------------------
Violence is never the answer.
Unless the question is "what is never the answer?", then " violence " is the answer.
Post by: Lady Smith on July 03, 2015, 01:17:19 am
Post by: Cindy on July 03, 2015, 02:22:13 am
Post by: Lady Smith on July 03, 2015, 04:30:29 am
Post by: rachel89 on July 04, 2015, 01:38:32 am
Post by: rachel89 on July 04, 2015, 01:44:37 am
Post by: rachel89 on July 04, 2015, 01:58:22 am
As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the
driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he
was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself a 'guest' and not wanting to
make waves.
The trip continued without event until the next intersection.
This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab
driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt.
Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver. "Listen", he
says, "When you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But
why on earth are you stopping at a green light?" The Israeli driver looks
at the American as if he was deranged. "Are you crazy?!" he shouts. "The
other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?!"
Post by: rachel89 on July 04, 2015, 11:31:53 am
Post by: Promethea on July 04, 2015, 08:50:36 pm
"I don't believe you", questions Dolly.
" It's true, no bull!", exclaims Daisy.
Post by: dalebert on July 04, 2015, 09:53:33 pm
Post by: Promethea on July 04, 2015, 10:19:29 pm
One of them says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Post by: dalebert on July 05, 2015, 11:28:01 am
Post by: lost._.at._.sea on July 05, 2015, 04:37:27 pm
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Post by: rachel89 on July 06, 2015, 04:12:22 pm
Post by: rachel89 on July 06, 2015, 04:29:35 pm
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
Post by: Promethea on July 06, 2015, 05:16:49 pm
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, who name him Ahmal. The other one goes to a family in Spain, and gets called Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, the woman tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband replies "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
:-\ OK, I'll leave the room now...
Post by: rachel89 on July 06, 2015, 05:55:15 pm
Post by: rachel89 on July 06, 2015, 06:30:47 pm
this was just too awful not too share :) :laugh:
Post by: dalebert on July 07, 2015, 11:21:56 pm
Post by: Stanna on July 08, 2015, 09:12:54 pm
Post by: rachel89 on July 08, 2015, 09:53:57 pm
Doctor: "Just pull yourself together."
Post by: V M on July 09, 2015, 01:37:36 am
20 min.s later there's a knock at the door, it's the pizza guy 8) He's holding the pizza box up with one hand but he has his other hand down his pants
Post by: Promethea on July 09, 2015, 04:49:39 am
Post by: Promethea on July 09, 2015, 10:49:27 am
(http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/1436369206-20150708.png)
Post by: Beth Andrea on July 09, 2015, 12:56:46 pm
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog stand and asks: make me one with everything.
...And after eating, the monk understands that "one with everything" is already within him.
:D
I'm sorry, that was really bad.
;)
Post by: Promethea on July 10, 2015, 07:27:14 am
Post by: kelly_1979 on July 12, 2015, 03:47:46 am
The 1st one says: "I'd like a glass of beer"
The 2nd one "I'd like 1/2 a glass"
The 3rd one "Give me 1/4 of a glass"
etc.
Then the barman says "Oh for f*cks sake" and gives them 2 glasses of beer.
Post by: dalebert on July 12, 2015, 10:36:41 am
(http://www.brainlesstales.com/images/2015/Jul/riddle.jpg) (http://www.brainlesstales.com/2015-07-08/riddle)
Post by: dalebert on July 12, 2015, 11:48:50 am
Post by: Marlee on July 12, 2015, 12:35:20 pm
A little help here?
(http://www.brainlesstales.com/images/2015/Jul/riddle.jpg) (http://www.brainlesstales.com/2015-07-08/riddle)
took me a minute. But yea..roll-on deodorant LOL
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Post by: Lady Smith on July 12, 2015, 01:26:47 pm
An infinite number of mathematicians goes into a bar.
The 1st one says: "I'd like a glass of beer"
The 2nd one "I'd like 1/2 a glass"
The 3rd one "Give me 1/4 of a glass"
etc.
Then the barman says "Oh for f*cks sake" and gives them 2 glasses of beer.
I love this :D
Post by: dalebert on July 15, 2015, 06:38:55 am
Post by: Cindy on July 17, 2015, 06:18:47 am
Post by: dalebert on July 17, 2015, 03:10:38 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 17, 2015, 09:24:30 pm
Post by: Promethea on July 17, 2015, 11:14:29 pm
A chicken and egg were lying in bed smoking a cigarette in post coital relaxation. Well that answers that one, says the egg.
(http://safr.kingfeatures.com/idn/cnfeed/zone/js/content.php?file=aHR0cDovL3NhZnIua2luZ2ZlYXR1cmVzLmNvbS9CaXphcnJvLzE5OTcvMDcvQml6YXJyb19IVC4xOTk3MDcyMF85MDAuZ2lm)
Post by: janetcgtv on July 18, 2015, 02:27:07 pm
(everything left blank after ? on purpose)
Post by: dalebert on July 21, 2015, 09:04:21 am
Post by: dalebert on July 21, 2015, 09:34:09 am
Post by: dalebert on July 21, 2015, 01:31:58 pm
Post by: LordKAT on July 23, 2015, 03:04:26 am
(He meant room number.)
Post by: dalebert on July 25, 2015, 07:01:20 pm
Post by: Mado G on July 25, 2015, 08:18:03 pm
Post by: Sigyn on July 25, 2015, 10:25:42 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/R66qdLM.jpg)
I love Anarchyball :D Ancap ball wins!
Post by: dalebert on July 27, 2015, 05:44:35 pm
Post by: rachel89 on July 27, 2015, 09:45:57 pm
Post by: dalebert on July 29, 2015, 07:15:18 am
Post by: Cindy on July 29, 2015, 07:27:29 am
(http://i.imgur.com/i2ofTyJ.jpg)
Interesting to squat on too!
Post by: dalebert on July 29, 2015, 09:28:34 am
Post by: Beth Andrea on July 29, 2015, 02:00:53 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/i2ofTyJ.jpg)
Hmm...take a couple 3" "googly eyes", glue them on top next to the wall...glue a large fake mustache just above the curvy part...
Post by: dalebert on July 31, 2015, 06:14:31 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 01, 2015, 04:21:15 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 02, 2015, 06:39:28 am
Post by: dalebert on August 06, 2015, 09:21:49 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 07, 2015, 09:00:41 am
Post by: dalebert on August 07, 2015, 12:23:05 pm
The answer is NSFW due to language (https://www.<another forum>.com/r/DMDadJokes/comments/3g3ofw/why_do_fighters_take_so_many_laxatives/).
Post by: dalebert on August 08, 2015, 10:15:32 am
Post by: dalebert on August 11, 2015, 08:22:59 am
Post by: dalebert on August 13, 2015, 10:47:19 pm
Post by: AbbyKat on August 13, 2015, 11:31:30 pm
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog stand and asks: make me one with everything.
The monk pays with a five and asks for his change. The hotdog vendor shakes his head and says "Change comes from within".
Post by: dalebert on August 17, 2015, 06:31:22 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 18, 2015, 08:59:00 am
(http://i.imgur.com/EQ6vAul.png)
Hellaphino.
P.S. There's a little bit of South Park humor thrown in.
Post by: Lady Smith on August 18, 2015, 04:00:53 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 19, 2015, 07:24:51 am
Post by: dalebert on August 20, 2015, 06:34:41 pm
Post by: Juniper on August 20, 2015, 06:48:08 pm
Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights do make a left.
Don't forget, two rights can also make a U-Turn so you can go back and try again :D (I tried, alright?)
Post by: dalebert on August 21, 2015, 11:20:05 am
Post by: Sarah82 on August 22, 2015, 01:35:21 am
I will never be able to <heart> again
Post by: dalebert on August 22, 2015, 12:13:06 pm
Post by: dalebert on August 27, 2015, 12:10:06 pm
Post by: Sigyn on August 27, 2015, 01:56:23 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/Qjz0Pio.jpg)
There is a dessert/Coffee Shop on 30th and University in San Diego that uses children's books for table markers. Of course people graffiti in the books, usually cute quips and what not.
My friend who was raised in the Soviet Union and I took the book that this picture came from and turned it into Soviet/Communist propaganda. The caption we made of this picture was Pooh turning to piglet "You will die in the tundra of Siberia, capitalist pig, before your imperialism grows out of control. Go to Gulag"
Post by: HoneyStrums on August 27, 2015, 05:54:45 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/Zk3jvFj.jpg)
OMG that is aboloutly terrifying
Post by: dalebert on August 28, 2015, 01:01:16 pm
Post by: HoneyStrums on August 28, 2015, 01:10:33 pm
"Meducation"?
Post by: Promethea on August 28, 2015, 04:01:31 pm
-Hi!
-Hi.
-I saw you shot an arrow at me.
-Yup.
-And who are you? Cupid, shooting love arrows?
-Nope. I'm Legolas, and I'm slaying orcs.
Post by: dalebert on August 31, 2015, 12:23:24 am
3rd & 4th-graders: (noises of disbelief)
Teacher: It's true. Thank you, Mayans, for making math easier for us!
4th-grade boy: Yeah, Mayans, thanks for nothing!
Post by: dalebert on August 31, 2015, 06:45:43 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 01, 2015, 02:41:39 pm
Post by: HoneyStrums on September 01, 2015, 02:52:26 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/8c93spb.jpg)
Why cant i get this joke? I feel like im looking for a needle in a haystack.
Post by: LizK on September 01, 2015, 04:17:11 pm
Post by: Jill F on September 01, 2015, 04:31:35 pm
Nacho cheese.
Post by: HoneyStrums on September 01, 2015, 04:37:50 pm
cringe...that is bad...so bad...but I had to laugh...and your comment...ha ha
But I literaly Dont get the joke :/
And yes, I am in so way asking somebody to exsplain it to me.
(Im falling apart at the seams trying to figur it out)
Post by: FreyasRedemption on September 01, 2015, 04:44:38 pm
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?Arrgh, that there is almost as bad as the good old "whose ranium?" joke.
Nacho cheese.
Post by: LizK on September 01, 2015, 04:44:58 pm
"make so...number one".....
have I made my point...I seam to have slipped into a weird dimension of puns
Post by: rachel89 on September 01, 2015, 05:04:54 pm
Post by: HoneyStrums on September 01, 2015, 05:14:54 pm
..I seam to have slipped into a weird dimension of puns
No, just a tear in the fabric of space time.
But I gotta say It. After undersanding it..............................................................Im in stitches
Post by: LizK on September 01, 2015, 05:42:46 pm
Post by: V M on September 01, 2015, 06:24:22 pm
Post by: Dee Marshall on September 01, 2015, 06:27:15 pm
But I literaly Dont get the joke :/Did you watch Next Gen? If you didn't you'll never get it.
And yes, I am in so way asking somebody to exsplain it to me.
(Im falling apart at the seams trying to figur it out)
Post by: Jill F on September 01, 2015, 09:33:26 pm
The Englishman demands a fresh one, the Irishman nonchalantly blows the foam off along with the fly and chugs it.
The Scotsman picks up the fly by a wing and says, "Spit it ooot, ya wee <not allowed>!"
(Clan MacGregor here... ;D)
Post by: V M on September 01, 2015, 11:00:13 pm
The Scotsman picks up the fly by a wing and says, "Spit it ooot, ya wee <not allowed>!"
(Clan MacGregor here... ;D)
LOL :laugh:
Burbank, Campbell and Kinney (Mother's side) here
Post by: Sarah82 on September 02, 2015, 12:29:07 am
Well see? That's pretty punny in it'selfThere should be some kind of pun-ishment for that kind of joke... Maybe some time in a pun-itentiary.
Post by: Cindy on September 02, 2015, 03:03:36 am
Now I have a hans free phone.
Post by: dalebert on September 02, 2015, 11:28:56 am
Post by: dalebert on September 02, 2015, 02:36:05 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/WpsVpVy.jpg)
Post by: rachel89 on September 03, 2015, 12:46:55 am
Post by: dalebert on September 03, 2015, 05:49:37 pm
Post by: Tysilio on September 03, 2015, 06:20:28 pm
The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
Post by: dalebert on September 03, 2015, 07:19:04 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 04, 2015, 08:06:51 am
Post by: rachel89 on September 04, 2015, 10:50:03 pm
Post by: Cindy on September 05, 2015, 06:59:43 am
1.
Post by: dalebert on September 05, 2015, 09:31:50 am
Post by: dalebert on September 05, 2015, 11:24:16 am
Post by: dalebert on September 05, 2015, 11:52:59 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 06, 2015, 10:57:21 am
Post by: dalebert on September 06, 2015, 11:01:17 am
"Don't mess me! I know karate, aikido, judo, and about seven other Japanese words!"
Post by: dalebert on September 09, 2015, 12:58:47 am
Post by: dalebert on September 09, 2015, 01:02:47 am
Post by: dalebert on September 09, 2015, 02:20:12 am
Post by: dalebert on September 09, 2015, 06:55:20 am
(http://i.imgur.com/U5l1dxL.jpg)
Post by: Sigyn on September 09, 2015, 09:33:33 am
Post by: dalebert on September 10, 2015, 07:22:35 am
Post by: dalebert on September 10, 2015, 09:10:57 am
Post by: dalebert on September 10, 2015, 10:26:13 am
Post by: Dee Marshall on September 10, 2015, 11:42:19 am
Post by: Lady Smith on September 11, 2015, 01:53:43 am
(http://i.imgur.com/NotESSG.jpg)
Love it! - at that age I was terrible for refusing to take naps apparently. Everything was too exciting and I didn't want to miss any of it :laugh:
Post by: dalebert on September 11, 2015, 08:52:35 am
Post by: dalebert on September 11, 2015, 02:51:55 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 11, 2015, 10:58:43 pm
Post by: rachel89 on September 12, 2015, 12:05:50 am
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Post by: dalebert on September 12, 2015, 08:52:02 am
Post by: dalebert on September 12, 2015, 08:53:02 am
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
And then there's Vuja De, the feeling that you've never ever done this before in your life.
Post by: rachel89 on September 12, 2015, 05:10:06 pm
Chemistry is really funny; there are even people who laugh at nitrogen(I) oxide
biology is the only science where multiplication is the same thing as division.
Post by: dalebert on September 13, 2015, 07:38:45 am
Post by: dalebert on September 13, 2015, 09:17:01 am
Post by: dalebert on September 13, 2015, 09:19:54 am
Post by: dalebert on September 14, 2015, 11:00:29 am
Post by: Promethea on September 14, 2015, 01:07:04 pm
Just one, but they need to live in the dark for a year before they are convinced it really needs to be changed.
Post by: dalebert on September 14, 2015, 03:30:07 pm
Post by: Promethea on September 15, 2015, 05:27:09 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 16, 2015, 12:21:57 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 16, 2015, 12:43:04 pm
Post by: Dee Marshall on September 16, 2015, 01:20:06 pm
Greetings,
Kindly hand print a copy of this letter and post it to all of your friends and family. Then, if you will, smash your computer with a hammer.
Thank'e
Post by: dalebert on September 16, 2015, 01:30:41 pm
Post by: Dee Marshall on September 16, 2015, 01:40:50 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 16, 2015, 07:44:40 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 17, 2015, 12:44:16 am
Post by: dalebert on September 17, 2015, 11:20:11 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 18, 2015, 03:51:09 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 19, 2015, 12:04:06 am
Post by: rachel89 on September 19, 2015, 10:45:56 am
Post by: rachel89 on September 19, 2015, 10:53:16 am
Post by: rachel89 on September 19, 2015, 10:59:22 am
Post by: Lady Smith on September 19, 2015, 04:17:16 pm
Post by: V M on September 19, 2015, 11:29:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 21, 2015, 06:32:10 am
Post by: V M on September 22, 2015, 08:09:53 am
Depends on what you're cooking ;D
Post by: dalebert on September 23, 2015, 09:08:02 am
(http://i.imgur.com/CppJYL8.png)
Post by: dalebert on September 23, 2015, 09:08:55 am
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The chicken, obviously, but only if it's a boy chicken. :embarrassed:
Post by: JustASeq on September 23, 2015, 01:39:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 23, 2015, 02:29:22 pm
Post by: Lady Smith on September 23, 2015, 03:31:27 pm
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/12046817_1004146676304331_7722962593784588470_n.jpg?oh=83dd79c17e02b506f537daa3f5105294&oe=5697D25F)
Gosh! :o :laugh: :angel:
Post by: dalebert on September 23, 2015, 07:44:32 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 23, 2015, 07:55:19 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 23, 2015, 08:00:36 pm
Post by: Promethea on September 24, 2015, 08:38:27 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 25, 2015, 08:33:57 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 26, 2015, 07:54:07 am
Post by: dalebert on September 26, 2015, 01:17:15 pm
And to follow up, this one--
I'm not prejudiced. I hate ALL politicians.
Post by: dalebert on September 26, 2015, 01:26:09 pm
Post by: dalebert on September 27, 2015, 07:47:38 am
Post by: V M on September 28, 2015, 08:28:48 pm
Patient: I'm not sure, how often do we see each other?
Post by: soaringPhoenix on September 28, 2015, 11:12:34 pm
Boobees.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Post by: dalebert on September 29, 2015, 08:25:04 am
https://youtu.be/Hycln3Qt_nE?t=3m19s
Post by: dalebert on September 29, 2015, 02:00:27 pm
Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
Post by: dalebert on September 30, 2015, 07:49:34 am
Post by: dalebert on October 01, 2015, 03:38:34 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZoz_ssC8i8&feature=youtu.be&t=2m15s
Post by: dalebert on October 01, 2015, 05:19:59 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 01, 2015, 05:23:32 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 02, 2015, 08:26:16 am
Post by: dalebert on October 02, 2015, 01:16:33 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 02, 2015, 07:59:45 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 03, 2015, 10:48:47 am
Post by: dalebert on October 04, 2015, 12:53:50 am
Post by: dalebert on October 04, 2015, 07:26:14 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 08, 2015, 11:30:16 am
Post by: Promethea on October 08, 2015, 12:13:20 pm
https://youtu.be/zTVjo5PuNkk (https://youtu.be/zTVjo5PuNkk)
Post by: Promethea on October 08, 2015, 02:54:33 pm
If you're tempted to see more of this comic, be warned that most strips are NSFW.
Post by: Lady Smith on October 08, 2015, 03:12:58 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 09, 2015, 01:13:06 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 10, 2015, 01:42:50 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 10, 2015, 06:26:55 pm
Post by: Sarah82 on October 11, 2015, 06:24:06 am
Race: Half-Ork
Class: Bard
Gender: Male (Cursed Girdle of masculinity/femininity)
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/12/b3/5d/12b35d8777126c32ec5e1a1087fea4d7.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on October 13, 2015, 06:59:15 am
(http://i.imgur.com/oPMXU85.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on October 13, 2015, 10:00:25 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 15, 2015, 12:15:01 pm
Post by: Sarah82 on October 16, 2015, 10:52:23 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/ebFieGP.png)
Post by: V M on October 17, 2015, 10:24:28 pm
What would it be called if ______________ were hanged in public?
Dope on a Rope
Post by: dalebert on October 18, 2015, 11:40:44 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln9vN9KTtKE
Post by: LizK on October 18, 2015, 03:18:56 pm
An Englishman walks into a Bar…
There’s usually an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman too...
but they’re all still at the Rugby World Cup!
Post by: Cynobyte on October 19, 2015, 02:57:53 am
Post by: Cynobyte on October 19, 2015, 02:59:12 am
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Post by: Cindy on October 19, 2015, 03:04:34 am
An Englishman walks into a Bar…
There’s usually an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman too...
but they’re all still at the Rugby World Cup!
Cough! Update needed :laugh:
Post by: Jenny07 on October 19, 2015, 04:57:41 am
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xta1/v/t1.0-9/12141782_1218641214816389_5214060712598901904_n.png?oh=7553cb1fffe567f0110ead6fac2947ca&oe=5694075E&__gda__=1455368099_7bdd35f343a45bb5b0d35aeee6e57a40)
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12106932_1218971668116677_807430857003933846_n.jpg?oh=8659b7a52b328b74c76cd5a8f9329539&oe=5690BEA9&__gda__=1456500598_8b4cea0e45d23bbb0a3db8c4f2698299)
Post by: V M on October 19, 2015, 05:26:43 am
Post by: dalebert on October 19, 2015, 04:47:44 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/RUhsOWt.jpg)
Post by: rachel89 on October 19, 2015, 06:31:38 pm
A: None, they hust change the standard to "Dark".
Post by: LizK on October 19, 2015, 07:32:01 pm
Cough! Update needed :laugh:
After years of denial and self torture I finally came out to my immediate family the other day and told them...I HATE RUGBY...but as a born and bred Kiwi it was force fed from an early age. I think my "coming out" got almost as many raised eyebrows as telling them I was trans....ha ha...so sorry no update haven't been following it...enough to be able to hold a conversation with my father and him be none the wiser but other than that... meh
Post by: dalebert on October 20, 2015, 01:21:29 pm
Post by: Promethea on October 20, 2015, 07:09:18 pm
Post by: Promethea on October 21, 2015, 06:21:22 am
Post by: dalebert on October 22, 2015, 12:03:36 am
Post by: dalebert on October 23, 2015, 09:17:38 am
Post by: dalebert on October 24, 2015, 01:27:52 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 24, 2015, 08:04:38 pm
1) Don't tell people everything you know.
Post by: Cindy on October 25, 2015, 12:01:32 am
Post by: Katiepie on October 25, 2015, 01:28:16 am
Post by: rachel89 on October 26, 2015, 03:21:23 am
Post by: BlonT on October 26, 2015, 04:16:28 am
See You An Tie >:-)
Post by: rachel89 on October 26, 2015, 11:44:32 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 27, 2015, 02:00:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 27, 2015, 10:27:15 pm
Post by: Jenny07 on October 28, 2015, 06:47:06 am
Saying we are 50/50. Best odds in years.
Post by: dalebert on October 28, 2015, 01:53:29 pm
Post by: dalebert on October 30, 2015, 12:21:18 am
Post by: dalebert on October 30, 2015, 10:53:18 am
Post by: dalebert on October 30, 2015, 11:04:30 am
Post by: Sharon Anne McC on October 30, 2015, 11:34:09 am
I recently shared these recollections of out-dated language:
- This was the headline of Christine Jorgensen's return from her surgery:
- 'GI Goes Abroad, Returns Home A Broad'.
- Or this one when I worked in electronics communications as a civilian at an Army base:
- Q - 'What is broadband?'
- A - 'A female orchestra'.
Sorry, don't ding me. These aren't mine.
*
Post by: dalebert on October 30, 2015, 01:25:41 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/BgoJRd3.png)
Post by: dalebert on October 31, 2015, 11:28:46 am
Post by: dalebert on October 31, 2015, 05:02:31 pm
Post by: Cynobyte on November 01, 2015, 07:00:54 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 01, 2015, 08:08:32 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 02, 2015, 01:50:15 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 02, 2015, 02:54:28 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 03, 2015, 10:53:39 am
Post by: dalebert on November 04, 2015, 09:13:56 am
Post by: Catherine Sarah on November 04, 2015, 09:16:31 am
Give up??
A woolly jumper.
Speak to you when I've got the kids to bed
Post by: Sarah82 on November 04, 2015, 04:26:29 pm
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep
Give up??
A woolly jumper.
I prefer Jimmy Carr's punchline for that joke:
"A genetic abomination that is a travesty to both god and man!"
(http://uploads.neatorama.com/images/posts/327/80/80327/1426554605-0.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on November 05, 2015, 08:21:19 am
Post by: dalebert on November 05, 2015, 03:31:04 pm
Post by: BeverlyAnn on November 08, 2015, 07:37:30 pm
There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.
The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noose, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Post by: dalebert on November 09, 2015, 08:59:20 am
Post by: dalebert on November 09, 2015, 12:27:45 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/4fPg0y7.png) (http://www.sciencedump.com/content/punniest-science-jokes-your-week)
Post by: dalebert on November 09, 2015, 06:32:27 pm
Post by: Catherine Sarah on November 10, 2015, 11:15:10 am
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurka, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
Speak to you as soon as I feed the fish
Post by: dalebert on November 11, 2015, 11:34:23 am
(http://i.imgur.com/fCK4eAN.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on November 11, 2015, 03:20:21 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/GcTnT7l.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on November 12, 2015, 07:25:04 am
Post by: dalebert on November 12, 2015, 07:32:23 am
Post by: dalebert on November 13, 2015, 08:01:54 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 14, 2015, 11:07:38 pm
Post by: Cindy on November 15, 2015, 12:15:22 am
(http://i.imgur.com/NXZhlpY.png)
Coughing fit; I wonder who this reminds me off? :laugh: :-*
Post by: dalebert on November 16, 2015, 08:05:39 am
(http://i.imgur.com/Xqb2opP.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on November 18, 2015, 09:38:01 am
Post by: dalebert on November 18, 2015, 01:36:46 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 19, 2015, 01:27:18 pm
(Get it? Hang in there... like a door knocker?)
(http://i.imgur.com/Z6VnLe6.png)
Post by: Dee Marshall on November 19, 2015, 02:00:08 pm
[Image Removed]
Post by: dalebert on November 20, 2015, 01:45:16 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 20, 2015, 01:52:33 pm
Post by: Lady Smith on November 21, 2015, 01:36:51 am
I saw this on engrish.com, there's no way I'm ever staying at this hotel, wherever it is!
[Image Removed]
Post by: Lady Smith on November 21, 2015, 01:39:41 am
Post by: dalebert on November 22, 2015, 08:55:02 am
Post by: Lady Smith on November 22, 2015, 09:07:32 am
Post by: dalebert on November 22, 2015, 09:08:03 am
Post by: dalebert on November 23, 2015, 09:34:38 am
Post by: BeverlyAnn on November 23, 2015, 10:24:31 am
"No need to panic." said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well of course." said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."
Post by: dalebert on November 23, 2015, 11:58:41 am
Post by: dalebert on November 23, 2015, 12:02:42 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 24, 2015, 10:52:06 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 25, 2015, 10:15:38 am
Post by: dalebert on November 28, 2015, 09:23:37 am
"I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."
Post by: dalebert on November 28, 2015, 08:49:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 28, 2015, 11:01:31 pm
Post by: dalebert on November 29, 2015, 09:33:35 am
Post by: dalebert on November 29, 2015, 09:39:01 am
Post by: dalebert on December 02, 2015, 08:34:18 am
Post by: Lady Smith on December 03, 2015, 06:28:09 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 03, 2015, 08:53:46 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 07, 2015, 04:54:45 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 07, 2015, 09:53:36 pm
Post by: Cindy on December 09, 2015, 06:59:42 am
His pants fitted like a glove.
Post by: dalebert on December 10, 2015, 11:29:35 am
Post by: V M on December 11, 2015, 12:04:12 am
A cookie sheet
Post by: V M on December 11, 2015, 12:16:42 am
Post by: V M on December 11, 2015, 12:18:45 am
Post by: V M on December 11, 2015, 12:21:26 am
Post by: Cindy on December 11, 2015, 12:50:28 am
(http://www.poddys.com/jokes/cartoons/xmas/bad_attitude_santa.jpg)
I want this on my house!!!!
Post by: Lady Smith on December 11, 2015, 01:07:59 am
Post by: V M on December 15, 2015, 03:09:20 am
Mistle-toes
Post by: dalebert on December 15, 2015, 11:30:29 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 17, 2015, 09:21:27 am
Post by: Sydney_NYC on December 17, 2015, 12:44:19 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdvdFXGazPY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdvdFXGazPY)
Post by: dalebert on December 17, 2015, 04:15:47 pm
Post by: dalebert on December 18, 2015, 03:49:14 pm
Post by: V M on December 18, 2015, 06:44:36 pm
Ice cream
Post by: dalebert on December 25, 2015, 10:38:07 am
Post by: dalebert on December 27, 2015, 10:18:51 am
Post by: Cynobyte on December 28, 2015, 06:20:05 am
Post by: Beth Andrea on December 28, 2015, 08:28:59 pm
Hope ya like:)
Is it OK:)
I don't get the punchline.
:P
Post by: dalebert on January 01, 2016, 05:23:33 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 03, 2016, 08:35:16 am
Post by: dalebert on January 07, 2016, 09:59:55 am
Post by: stephaniec on January 07, 2016, 03:31:23 pm
I don't get the punchline.it's just the butt of a joke
:P
Post by: Beth Andrea on January 07, 2016, 05:57:36 pm
it's just the butt of a joke
I'm glad it is THE butt, and not just "a" butt... ;D
Sorry, that was <poor>.... :o
Post by: dalebert on January 12, 2016, 08:16:30 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwpEXjZg_Ek
Post by: V M on January 12, 2016, 06:58:19 pm
(http://www.foodiggity.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/captain_crunch.jpg)
Post by: dalebert on January 15, 2016, 08:34:41 am
Post by: dalebert on January 18, 2016, 04:25:59 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 20, 2016, 02:23:18 pm
Post by: Devlyn on January 20, 2016, 02:39:49 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/Jbxmpmi.jpg)
That's just abrasive! :laugh:
Hugs, Devlyn
Post by: Devlyn on January 20, 2016, 02:40:59 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/qTjXKFo.jpg)
This is a good joke, not a bad one! ;D
Post by: Lady Smith on January 24, 2016, 08:25:19 pm
Close your eyes.
Imagine you are in a forest glade next to a beautiful babbling brook. Think of the peace and tranquility of the scene then imagine opening you eyes to see the face of the person who caused you stress as you hold them below the surface of the brook.
Post by: dalebert on January 25, 2016, 01:23:31 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 26, 2016, 02:09:37 pm
Post by: dalebert on January 27, 2016, 01:19:00 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 09, 2016, 10:54:39 am
Post by: Cindy on February 09, 2016, 03:49:31 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 09, 2016, 07:53:03 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 09, 2016, 08:51:14 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 09, 2016, 10:22:06 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 05:09:29 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/EpQnAVZ.jpg)
If you like the D&Ds, there are a lot more of them here.
https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/pungoblin
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 06:52:38 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 06:54:23 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 06:57:36 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 06:59:08 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 07:05:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 07:57:46 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 07:59:31 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 08:01:31 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 08:09:22 pm
Current events.
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 08:11:05 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 08:15:49 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 12, 2016, 08:20:24 pm
http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexnaidus/ingenious-jokes-you-should-totally-steal-and-use-yourself?bffbmain&utm_term=.kpwOjY58v8#.jamnO48kVk
(http://i.imgur.com/7Fy6GBn.png)
Post by: dalebert on February 15, 2016, 07:24:30 am
Post by: dalebert on February 15, 2016, 08:11:17 am
Post by: dalebert on February 15, 2016, 08:49:25 am
Post by: dalebert on February 15, 2016, 11:36:40 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2016, 09:59:42 am
Post by: dalebert on February 16, 2016, 11:04:09 am
Post by: Dee Marshall on February 16, 2016, 08:34:04 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/EPvye3S.jpg)I want that bra! And that hairstyle! And that robe!
Post by: dalebert on February 17, 2016, 02:58:01 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 24, 2016, 12:46:12 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 25, 2016, 07:49:35 am
Post by: Jenny07 on February 26, 2016, 04:45:35 am
(http://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.M0107c56728b30fc656165bd50b2686fdH0&pid=15.1&H=113&W=160)
Post by: dalebert on February 26, 2016, 09:34:54 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 26, 2016, 09:36:48 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 26, 2016, 09:46:42 pm
Post by: dalebert on February 29, 2016, 04:15:42 pm
Post by: TechGirl on March 01, 2016, 06:37:38 pm
Post by: TechGirl on March 01, 2016, 06:57:24 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 05, 2016, 11:08:43 am
Post by: dalebert on March 06, 2016, 08:11:30 am
Post by: dalebert on March 07, 2016, 06:44:47 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 13, 2016, 07:44:35 am
Post by: dalebert on March 14, 2016, 06:56:26 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 15, 2016, 07:46:07 am
Post by: dalebert on March 15, 2016, 08:55:39 am
Post by: dalebert on March 15, 2016, 10:40:58 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 16, 2016, 01:01:29 pm
Post by: Ka_123 on March 16, 2016, 06:19:30 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/ROkMdBH.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
loving all donald trump related memes at the minute, lets hope he remains that, a joke!!
Post by: dalebert on March 17, 2016, 07:04:06 am
Post by: TechGirl on March 19, 2016, 09:57:05 am
Post by: TechGirl on March 19, 2016, 09:57:23 am
Post by: TechGirl on March 19, 2016, 10:06:53 am
Post by: dalebert on March 21, 2016, 07:20:32 am
Post by: dalebert on March 21, 2016, 03:29:23 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 21, 2016, 03:39:45 pm
Post by: dalebert on March 22, 2016, 11:44:58 am
Post by: dalebert on March 22, 2016, 08:12:11 pm
Post by: V M on April 01, 2016, 11:24:03 pm
The Vatican requested that a 'Holy' cheese be made
Post by: V M on June 06, 2016, 04:20:35 pm
Tell them that you refuse to allow them to make a sandwich for you
Post by: Lily Rose on November 25, 2016, 12:26:31 am
(http://i.imgur.com/qTjXKFo.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/FUsaCbr.jpg)
:laugh:
when is "the most interesting man in the world" coming back from mars? they say he retired but i thought i saw to be continued or something to that effect.
Post by: V M on December 03, 2016, 07:01:45 pm
He had a craving for bacon wrapped frog legs
Post by: Raell on December 03, 2016, 07:18:02 pm
B. I don't know.
A. I don't know either, but if it bites you, you can ride it to the doctor! ;D
Post by: Lily Rose on December 04, 2016, 03:35:52 am
He had a craving for bacon wrapped frog legs
:eusa_drool:
Post by: Cindy on July 25, 2017, 07:15:50 am
Why do Swedish ships have bar codes on them?
So they can Scandinavian.
Post by: Lady Sarah on July 25, 2017, 05:54:08 pm
Post by: V M on March 29, 2018, 10:33:09 pm
He takes the dog for walks in the park fairly regularly but notices that the dog rarely if ever does it's business
Concerned he looks all over the apt. but finds nothing and so he takes the dog to the vet and the vet says the dog is in perfect health
One morning he wakes up earlier than usual but can't find the dog anywhere, until he goes out on the terrace where he finds the dog up on the ledge
Hanging it's rear over
Post by: Cindy on March 30, 2018, 04:13:21 am
Hi, I haven't seen a weasel in here before and I have never heard of a talking weasel, what would you like to drink?'
'Pop,' goes the weasel.
Post by: Megan. on March 30, 2018, 08:37:01 am
A weasel walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with the people at the bar. The barman says,Made me laugh on a 'down' day, tnx Cindy. X
Hi, I haven't seen a weasel in here before and I have never heard of a talking weasel, what would you like to drink?'
'Pop,' goes the weasel.
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Post by: steph2.0 on March 30, 2018, 01:00:54 pm
Welp, I didn't like my beard at first. But then it grew on me.
I was wondering why the football was getting bigger, ands then it hit me!
What happens when chemists die? They barium.
I'm currently reading a book on anti gravity. I can't put it down.
I stayed up all night wondering when the sun would rise. Then it dawned on me.
- Stephanie
Post by: big kim on April 04, 2018, 01:22:01 am
No wonder I never heard him
Post by: V M on April 06, 2018, 10:25:32 pm
It's butthole
Post by: Jessica on April 06, 2018, 11:23:49 pm
what’s wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word
HONDA”.
“That’s interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you
think you could fart for me?” says the doctor. The guy says “Sure.”
And sure enough, the doctor hears “HONDA”.
After several attempts to figure out what’s wrong with this guy, the
doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach
specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say
“HONDA.” It is a completely out of this world medical condition.
Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man
to a dentist.
After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up
the guys mouth and examining it.
The dentist says “A-haa!!!!….I have solved the problem.”
The patient says “What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc”…..The
dentist replies “Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth.”
The guy says “Yeah….so….What has that got to do with my farts?”
The dentist replies, “Cant you see??….. Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA”
Post by: Lady Sarah on April 28, 2018, 06:02:00 pm
Post by: TicTac on May 16, 2018, 05:16:51 pm
:icon_lol:
(https://abload.de/img/f3c10b8f8c8a35776b986piqv4.jpg) (http://abload.de/image.php?img=f3c10b8f8c8a35776b986piqv4.jpg)
Wait, this is a thread for bad jokes? :( Well, these can be considered bad too some people....right?
Post by: AlexandraHamilton on May 16, 2018, 06:05:28 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/THpVrxx.jpg)
I love and loathe it. Jeez. That is such a pun y joke
Post by: AlexandraHamilton on May 16, 2018, 06:09:54 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/FLeyeFL.jpg)
That is actually a really fascinating interpretation of Shelley. She actually composed both characters to be very similar in traits and hubris, as well as egocentricism. That's not a joke, that is fairly cool commentary.
Post by: MaryT on May 21, 2018, 12:57:49 pm
"Something or someone keeps knocking over my milk bottles and spilling the milk" said the woman.
"I have my suspicions but I don't want to make any accusations until I am sure. Can you help me?"
"I doubt it", replied the gypsy. "I'll do my best, though."
For a long time, the gypsy peered into her crystal ball but the mist never cleared.
"I'm sorry", said the gypsy, "it's just as I thought. There's no use scrying over spilt milk."
Post by: BeverlyAnn on May 28, 2018, 12:15:36 pm
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies,'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'
Post by: Lady Sarah on May 31, 2018, 01:09:07 pm
"Well, I turn 16 next month, and my dad told me he won't let me get a driver's license if I don't get on the ball".
Post by: SallyChoasAura on July 22, 2018, 08:19:17 pm
ME!
*gross sobbing*
Post by: big kim on July 23, 2018, 05:52:12 pm
"I'm going to save,save, save!"
I'm 1/2 Scot & I've met more English skinflints than Scots!
Post by: Lady Sarah on July 23, 2018, 09:16:05 pm
He got a case of cottonmouth.
Post by: MaryT on July 24, 2018, 02:49:40 am
What did the Scotsman sy when he won the lottery?
"I'm going to save,save, save!"
I'm 1/2 Scot & I've met more English skinflints than Scots!
In TV's Bargain Hunt, the auctions in Glasgow are invariably more profitable than English ones, so Scots obviously aren't afraid to spend nowadays.
I am reminded, though, of an old Glaswegian joke that was explained to me by a receptionist where I once worked. Her first home and school had been in the Gorbals.
I asked the time and she replied "I left my watch on the television".
"Pardon?" I responded.
She explained that at her first school, when a new teacher asked a child why he/she was late, the child would reply that he/she did not know the time.
The teacher would then ask "Where's your watch?"
and the child would reply "I left it on the television".
The idea of a child in the Gorbals being able to afford a watch was almost as absurd as the idea that his or her parents could afford a television.
Obviously, things have changed for the better.
Post by: Drexy/Drex on July 24, 2018, 02:56:35 am
A dog that rips your face off then runs for help!
Post by: SallyChoasAura on July 25, 2018, 12:43:55 am
OH NOS IT'S ME
Post by: SallyChoasAura on August 03, 2018, 12:00:58 pm
Jerk behind us: Ugh. Gross. Don't you two have any standards?
Me&bff: ...
Bff: No. Screw you.
Me: What's that?
Post by: big kim on August 03, 2018, 03:46:34 pm
How does it smell
Awful!
Post by: MaryT on August 09, 2018, 03:48:56 pm
Last night, I stayed out with my boyfriend until after midnight.
Did I do wrong?
Agony Aunt: Dear Suzy,
Try to remember.
Post by: V M on October 08, 2018, 04:31:26 am
Post by: RabbitSpectre on October 08, 2018, 04:47:37 am
Why did they call the cheese Gouda? Because it's a gooda cheeese ;D
XD XD XD
I think all the corn in Iowa heard that joke!
Post by: V M on October 08, 2018, 05:01:07 am
Post by: BeverlyAnn on October 10, 2018, 07:53:11 pm
A: Watching Stormy Daniels videos in the evening, with the lights turned off.
Post by: BeverlyAnn on October 10, 2018, 08:00:39 pm
A. Feckless
Post by: DawnOday on October 10, 2018, 10:48:23 pm
Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk
Post by: V M on November 16, 2018, 01:58:35 pm
Who's there?
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
- 2 Canadians telling a joke
Post by: Renee.D on November 16, 2018, 03:52:28 pm
A: Finger prints
Post by: SallyChoasAura on November 17, 2018, 12:17:36 am
Disney: *Makes one of the episodes of the newest season have The Three Caballeros*
Me: *screeching as I jump headfirst into the fandom hole*
Post by: V M on November 20, 2018, 06:56:44 pm
"Hey chicken, why you cross the road for?"
The chicken cocks it's head back and looks up...
"I got my reasons"
Post by: V M on November 20, 2018, 10:44:03 pm
Post by: Battle Goddess on November 21, 2018, 12:59:56 am
One of the things he left me was his banjo. It's a nice, playable instrument, but it's too beat up to have much resale value. I don't have the time or interest to learn to play it. None of my musician friends want it. I've even tried giving it to the local schools' music programs, but they've turned me down.
Go figure. It's this really cool thing - I'm not just gonna put it out with the trash - but I can't even give it away.
About a week ago I came up with an easy way to find someone who wanted it and to get them take it off my hands. I live near a large city. I thought I'd put the banjo in the back seat, drive downtown, park somewhere with the windows rolled down, and go have a nice, long lunch. By the time I came back to the car, my problem should be solved.
Things didn't work out quite like I'd planned.
By the time I got back from lunch, two other guys had stuck their banjos in there with mine.
Post by: Battle Goddess on November 21, 2018, 01:02:43 am
Q: What’s Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s favorite pastime?
A: Watching Stormy Daniels videos in the evening, with the lights turned off.
I think I love you.
Post by: BeverlyAnn on November 22, 2018, 05:51:43 pm
Scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section.
Post by: ChrissyRyan on November 22, 2018, 05:55:18 pm
A. Plymouth Rock.
Post by: SallyChoasAura on November 25, 2018, 01:32:02 am
Post by: Renee.D on November 27, 2018, 12:30:17 pm
Do You Hear What I Hear
Post by: MaryT on February 15, 2019, 04:24:29 pm
A terrorist was ordered to blow up a bus. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.
A three eyed, one-legged alien with no arms was waiting at the bus stop. The bus driver gave him the once over and said
"Aye aye aye, you look 'armless, hop on!"
This joke I first heard from an acting headmaster who regarded himself as a cool dude:
The sky god Thor got drunk and spent the night with a mortal human tart. When he awoke and saw who was next to him, he was ashamed for demeaning himself and was prepared to stand on his dignity. The tart awoke too.
"Good morning, Hunky Wunky", she said.
"Hunky Wunky?" thundered the sky god. "I am mighty Thor!"
"Tho am I" she replied, "but letth do it again."
Post by: MaryT on May 28, 2019, 03:42:40 pm
Masochist: "Beat me! Beat me!"
Sadist: "Oh, no!"
Post by: Lady Sarah on June 11, 2019, 11:10:16 pm
His response: "On the door, they had a sign. It said NO FOOD OR DRINK INSIDE, so I just came home."
Post by: Battle Goddess on June 14, 2019, 02:42:41 pm
Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk