Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Topic started by: amberwaves on September 26, 2017, 07:38:57 pm

Title: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 26, 2017, 07:38:57 pm
So in a change from my initial plans when deciding to transition, a few months ago I realized that I desire to fully transition, including GCS.  I wasn't in too big of a rush, but lately I've become impatient.  This is partly due to a change in financial circumstances and the realization of just how much trans related care my health insurance covers.

So I began to look into surgeons and all the hoops that I will need to run through to make this happen.  I am unable to privately afford this so insurance is a must.  I downloaded a copy of my policies transgender care requirements.  Ostensibly they are derived from WPATH v7.  However, there are a few vaguely worded sections that I have been trying to receive answers for.

First, electrolysis of the vaginoplasty donor site is covered.  However, it does not state if I have to have locked down both of the therapist letters first.  Fine, I call and the lady (who was very clueless) basically just read the policy back to me verbatim.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jailyn on September 26, 2017, 10:16:46 pm
Well knowing how sales go in general. You got a minion of the company phone lines that is not one the underwriter or the manager. I would ask for one of those 2 people to explain it or clarify their policy better. Also you could ask a lawyer  to read over it see if he sees anything about it in there. I am not a policy expert so that is where I would try myself. Or find a doctor to see if they know whether your insurance will cover it or what you will have to do. Doctors are generally well versed in how insurances work and what hoops they have to go through as well. Good luck!!!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 26, 2017, 10:32:03 pm
Well knowing how sales go in general. You got a minion of the company phone lines that is not one the underwriter or the manager. I would ask for one of those 2 people to explain it or clarify their policy better. Also you could ask a lawyer  to read over it see if he sees anything about it in there. I am not a policy expert so that is where I would try myself. Or find a doctor to see if they know whether your insurance will cover it or what you will have to do. Doctors are generally well versed in how insurances work and what hoops they have to go through as well. Good luck!!!
Yeah, I understand that I'm speaking with the lowest level of support.  It's just frustrating because I am suddenly very impatient to start the process.  I was very "meh" about my transition for a long while as hormones did their thing.  Now, it seems like it's "do everything now".  I understand that everything is still quite a ways off, but I would prefer to be actually doing something other than phone tag sorting details.

A lawyer would be overkill in this scenario.  I understand technical and policy writing pretty well.  Honestly, that familiarity is how I was able to discern this was a particular concern that I should verify first.  A doctor would likely be as uncertain as I am, since this policy change is only a year old, they likely haven't dealt with this particular nuance yet.  I am just trying to verify their interpretation of the unclear language rather than getting saddled fighting a bill later.  It's a patience thing, and getting to speak to the correct  person(s) at this point.  Patience has never been my strong suit.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 02, 2017, 08:16:25 am
Okay so this is getting ridiculous.  Last week the lady took my question and told me she would get back to me with an answer.  All week passes with no response.  I called back today and basically started over.  No one can give me a freaking answer apparently.  I understand that the policy is relatively new.  I understand almost no one understands <poo> about LGBT. Holy <poo> am I getting sick of explaining everything.  I would think you would have at least heard the term LGBT and I wouldn't have to explain it.

The question isn't even that complicated.  The policy states that two referrals from mental health providers are required.  What it doesn't state is whether one from a masters level therapist and one from a doctoral level is fine.  It shouldn't be a hard question to answer.  Also, whether or not I started this process with my GP is irrelevant.  I have an endocrinologist who treats me and is qualified.  This is not relevant to the question at hand.  I am getting so sick of banging my head against a wall talking to people who don't even understand basic medical terminology.  So frustrating.

Why is it that, every time I try to go through proper channels to make sure everything is in order, it seems I get stymied.  This isn't limited to trans care.  Even to deal with my frickin ADHD that I've dealt with my whole life I ran into the same <poo> for 6 months.  This is why I chose to pay out of pocket to see my endo.  A specialist who focuses on LGBT issues.  God I can just imagine how messed up everything would be had I tried to remain in network.  If I was independently wealthy I would just pay for this too, but I am not.  I hate bureaucracy and the morons who fill their ranks so damn much.  Very frustrating and demoralizing.



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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on October 02, 2017, 10:58:09 am
You think that's bad, I've been trying to get ahold of Medicaid to ask about what they do and do not cover regarding gender issues and it's just an endless cycle between two automated numbers, I can't even get to the point they don't call me back. :D Literally I call the number on my card, it has no menu options that go to a person, then says "for all other issues call 1-888-whatever" super quickly and hangs up. So I had to go back through it, being quick to grab the number. I call that number, it goes through a few other menu options that don't lead to a person and then does the same thing for the first number! I then called social security and they said they can't answer any questions about medicaid, and the only numbers they had were the ones I already tried. At this point if I could just get through to an overseas call center I'd be happy. :D
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 02, 2017, 11:05:48 am
You think that's bad, I've been trying to get ahold of Medicaid to ask about what they do and do not cover regarding gender issues and it's just an endless cycle between two automated numbers, I can't even get to the point they don't call me back. :D Literally I call the number on my card, it has no menu options that go to a person, then says "for all other issues call 1-888-whatever" super quickly and hangs up. So I had to go back through it, being quick to grab the number. I call that number, it goes through a few other menu options that don't lead to a person and then does the same thing for the first number! I then called social security and they said they can't answer any questions about medicaid, and the only numbers they had were the ones I already tried. At this point if I could just get through to an overseas call center I'd be happy. :D
Yeah that is terrible.  My situation isn't the end of the world, obviously.  I just needed to vent.  There does need to be serious reform in how health care is managed in this country.  By and large it is just flat out inaccessible.  I hope you find a way to get ahold of someone soon.  Do you have anything like a county assistance office or something you can go to?

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on October 02, 2017, 01:24:46 pm
Yeah that is terrible.  My situation isn't the end of the world, obviously.  I just needed to vent.



Oh, mine isn't the end of the world either, I just thought the medicaid looping thing was pretty funny honestly and thought I'd share. ;) (And vent some too myself!)

The only county place is SS, which don't seem to have any insight. Which is really, really weird. You'd think that social security and medicaid would be more in tune with one another. Isn't bureaucracy grand?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on October 02, 2017, 09:21:22 pm
Amber,
   The insurance thing is ridiculous. I think they make it purposely hard to get people to give up and save them money. As for your change in urgency, I totally relate. Once we see the real possibility is out there our brains kick in to overdrive and demand it get done. The only time I could remotely relax pre-surgery was to get stuff arranged to make it happen.
I was such a mess before surgery. It is so cool after. I don't know how others feel but for me, it removed that giant dysphoric itch I have always had. You will get there Girl. I had tried to get pre approval for surgery myself. It was too soon and the doctor had to initiate the process, but they ended up assigning a nurse to help with my questions. She was a good  source of info for me. Don't know if that is a possible for you. I used Aetna.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 03, 2017, 04:54:50 pm
Thanks for chiming in Moni!   Yes indeed the system certainly seems designed to be inaccessible.  I severely doubt it is due to malicious intent, more likely it is decades of bureaucratic and regulatory bloat.

I am, or at least seem to be, in a hurry.  However, it's not about the destination per see.  That is a long ways off and I will wait until it's closer to get impatient about it.  I am mostly impatient about getting started and getting everything in order.  Historically, I have been a "fly by the seat of my pants" type of person.  I am trying to be a reasonable adult about things and plan things out.  For the most part, my transition has been a carefully measured endeavour.  This stands in stark contrast to my life in general. 

Also, my luck is terrible and I'm trying as best I can to hedge my bets so as not to get smacked around by reality.  The longer and more drawn out the situation becomes the more I can just feel the window of opportunity creeping closed.  For a while, GCS was far off in the nebulous future.  Then it just so happened that I saw the stars and planets align into a potential. Suddenly, the future was not some nebulous thing, but a distinct path that could be planned for with contingencies galore.  All it would take is some self righteous jerks in power to sunder that path.  Another chance would be unlikely until a long time in the future.

I did finally get my response.  Yes, a masters level therapist is fine.  They just couldn't seem to understand why I was so concerned to get verification.  If I just assumed and moved forward to be wrong it would legitimately screw over me, my wife, and our three young children.  I have already screwed things up enough over the years that our margin for error is tiny.  As it is I'm going to have to go about certain things in an untypical manner timing wise.

I would like to thank everyone has listened to me rant and vent.  I'm most assuredly not done doing it.  I am only done with it regarding this matter.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on October 03, 2017, 05:30:39 pm
They just couldn't seem to understand why I was so concerned to get verification.  If I just assumed and moved forward to be wrong it would legitimately screw over me, my wife, and our three young children.

Oh god, I hate it when people act like you're crazy for seeking clarification before moving ahead on something. I run into all the time, particularly when dealing with academics. Like planning ahead and getting things right is a bad thing.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on October 03, 2017, 07:25:39 pm
Thanks for chiming in Moni!   Yes indeed the system certainly seems designed to be inaccessible.  I severely doubt it is due to malicious intent, more likely it is decades of bureaucratic and regulatory bloat.

I am, or at least seem to be, in a hurry.  However, it's not about the destination per see.  That is a long ways off and I will wait until it's closer to get impatient about it.  I am mostly impatient about getting started and getting everything in order.  Historically, I have been a "fly by the seat of my pants" type of person.  I am trying to be a reasonable adult about things and plan things out.  For the most part, my transition has been a carefully measured endeavour.  This stands in stark contrast to my life in general. 

Also, my luck is terrible and I'm trying as best I can to hedge my bets so as not to get smacked around by reality.  The longer and more drawn out the situation becomes the more I can just feel the window of opportunity creeping closed.  For a while, GCS was far off in the nebulous future.  Then it just so happened that I saw the stars and planets align into a potential. Suddenly, the future was not some nebulous thing, but a distinct path that could be planned for with contingencies galore.  All it would take is some self righteous jerks in power to sunder that path.  Another chance would be unlikely until a long time in the future.

I did finally get my response.  Yes, a masters level therapist is fine.  They just couldn't seem to understand why I was so concerned to get verification.  If I just assumed and moved forward to be wrong it would legitimately screw over me, my wife, and our three young children.  I have already screwed things up enough over the years that our margin for error is tiny.  As it is I'm going to have to go about certain things in an untypical manner timing wise.

I would like to thank everyone has listened to me rant and vent.  I'm most assuredly not done doing it.  I am only done with it regarding this matter.

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Amber,
   You know you can rant to me any time, Hon. Now venting, well we will have to see. lol You have your style of transition and that is fine. Everyone has to find their path. I think it is smart to hurry for things that hostile politicians can effect. The sand could be shifting under our feet. If I read you correctly, the further you get, the better you are feeling. I have recently gotten restless to finish my transition. I am definitely more comfortable in my own skin since GCS. It is a big leap for me. Only three months and I have to strain to remember what the old anatomy was like. Hope you are smiling these days.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 03, 2017, 10:21:29 pm
Amber,
   You know you can rant to me any time, Hon. Now venting, well we will have to see. lol You have your style of transition and that is fine. Everyone has to find their path. I think it is smart to hurry for things that hostile politicians can effect. The sand could be shifting under our feet. If I read you correctly, the further you get, the better you are feeling. I have recently gotten restless to finish my transition. I am definitely more comfortable in my own skin since GCS. It is a big leap for me. Only three months and I have to strain to remember what the old anatomy was like. Hope you are smiling these days.
Moni
It's amazing how quickly you can adapt to things sometimes.  That's awesome Moni.  I am happier the farther along I get.  I was hopeful that would be the case, but honestly I had very little idea of what happiness was to begin with that it far exceeded my expectations.

Switching jobs to where no one knows the former me was incredibly useful.  However, it did a lot to make me accelerate the pace of my transition.  I'm finally internalizing that others see me as a woman.  I had assumed my voice, mannerisms, etc were give away, but it truly does not seem to be the case.

I never had strong genital dysphoria, but living as a woman and being accepted as such just makes it seem wrong now.  I have noticed that things seem to happen in spurts.  A big flurry of activity at the beginning, coming out, hormones, etc.  Then almost a year of not much.  Now it's another burst with the name change, electrolysis, and planning surgery.  It's a wild ride.  This all is happening as I fix other problems undealt with such as finally getting treated for ADHD.  So much positive growth.  Its hard to sit back and let it all sink in sometimes.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 08, 2017, 07:33:57 pm
It occurs to me that since others kind of have a thread for themselves that they generally post to, I guess this one can be mine.

I mentioned before about life closing opportunities, well it does certainly seem like that is happening.  Not for GCS, not yet, anyway.  Lately my hours have been cut back at work for no discernable reason.  This comes at a time when I went ahead and booked lots of other things that cost money such as electrolysis, therapy, etc.  So those plans are probably boned. Once again it feels like banging my head against a brick wall.  I must be terrible at planning.  The reality is that all of these factors are mostly out of my control.  I should have known better than to try to move forward with anything.

It's not transition that is getting me down, but my complete inability to ever move forward in life in general.  Transition related take just happen to be the things I want to do at the moment.  Substitute in any number of goals and you have the past.  I am so tired of trying to be better.  Right now I am just going to accept feeling miserable. I really would like to cry over this <poo>, but unfortunately when I feel like this Abraham takes over and prevents that.  Sometimes I really wish he would go ahead and die off already.  (I know that's hyperbole, but it's an effective metaphor for the moment)

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: JoanneB on October 08, 2017, 08:15:50 pm
Amber,
   The insurance thing is ridiculous. I think they make it purposely hard to get people to give up and save them money....
My brother in-law got a job at Blue Cross. Their training essentially consisted of the same advice a lawyer gives his client. Deny, Deny, Deny. Most times people just give up.

For the past 3 years Horizon BCBS rejected my prescription for E under the infamous "Age and Gender" rule. After a lot of back and forth with the doctors office ending with a Peer to Peer review, it finally gets approved. Of course this is always a good month or more AFTER I run out. 

Rule #1  Insurance Companies are in business to make money, not to give it away
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 11, 2017, 04:51:02 pm
I don't talk much about all the negative things I've endured in life, but perhaps sharing will be helpful.  For those who don't know, I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and ADHD.  I'm finally starting to get treatment for ADHD, but aside from therapy I am not being treated for BPD.  BPD is a terrible thing and it arises from a life time of abuse.  For me it was extreme emotional abuse and some physical abuse in every facet of my life, home school and social.  There is a fascinating interplay between all of this and my gender dysphoria.

I had a very rough therapy session yesterday.  I went in quite depressed because due to work schedules I only see my family about 1 hour most days.  The previously mentioned problems with my hours and expenses have been weighing on me heavily as well.  I was discussing all of these things and my therapist kept bring it back to why am I blaming myself for all of these things.  That is a chronic pattern.  I don't have a good answer for it other than it's a patterned response.  I have always failed to live up to my potential (that's the ADHD part) and was always made to believe that I am to blame for almost everything.  I broke down crying discussing the past and why this is.  I explained that before starting hormones I had only cried 4 times in my adult life and one of those was the birth of my first child, so not relevant.  I was never allowed to cry or even have emotions.  My sisters were allowed to and consoled for it.  I was always forced to "man up".  In addition, emotions were used as a weapon against you in my household.  The extreme (read unrealistic) standards I was held to shattered me in many ways.  All because I was a boy.  Thrust into a competition with an unachievable male ideal and not one shred of support.

I was a sweet child until around the age of five.  Pictures show me smiling and being a kid.  After that every photo I have ever seen of me looks bleak.  Even the ones where I am smiling it never reached my eyes.  My life could almost be a case study in brinksmanship.  How to crush a soul without pushing them over the edge (though there were attempts).  The world was given a diamond, but decided to crush it to pieces before it could ever shine.

I was hopelessly unsettled all day.  On the walk to the car I started crying.  In the car I cried.  At home talking with my wife I cried.  I slept for a bit and later that evening I cried.  I had to call off work because there was no way to be functional.  Before going to bed I cried.  This was more tears in one day than in all of the previous 20 years.

I am better today.  One blessing for me of being on Estrogen is that these moods don't last like they used to.  Before I would be off for 3 days.  I am getting there, but it's terrible sometimes.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on October 11, 2017, 09:12:48 pm
Maybe the water comes from breaking the damn of pent up emotions. I only hope you can find some peace with the past. I can't imagine how hard it is to revisit painful events, but maybe it is a way to move on. I'm rooting for you, Amber.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 11, 2017, 11:53:26 pm
Maybe the water comes from breaking the damn of pent up emotions. I only hope you can find some peace with the past. I can't imagine how hard it is to revisit painful events, but maybe it is a way to move on. I'm rooting for you, Amber.
Moni
Thanks Moni.  I really appreciate you responding.  Many times it feels like when I post things that I am merely screaming futilely into the aether.  It's comforting to know that others even read my ramblings.  The waterworks was interesting.  I have cried some over the past few months, but I was always able to regain my composure relatively quickly and then it was done.  This was a whole different ballgame.

I won't say it has been easy.  Some days it is, others not so much.  I have spent so long hiding the fact that I am broken from the world that it is really hard to actually talk about it.  There is a term called apparent competence.  This describes how an individual can seem outwardly to be completely well adjusted and capable, but the truth is they are not even remotely close to it.  When a meltdown or outburst inevitably occurs others are incredibly confused by it.  This is me to a T.  To most people I appear very capable and charming.  However, inside I am incredibly dysfunctional and stumble my way from one crisis to the next.

I have been working to get better, but it is a life long struggle.  Surprisingly, transition has been incredibly helpful in that.  I had no idea how badly Testosterone was exacerbating the emotional problems.  All it did was mask the pain with rage.  This past session was a bit of an eye opener for my therapist as to the extent of my problems.  I had spoken in general terms of the pain and the nature of my behaviors and problems.  However, to experience me when I am actually feeling like that is truly a whole different beast.  I hate having that side of me exposed.

I actually told my wife this morning that I think she has to be the strong one moving forward.  I've been the strong one for so long, but I just don't seem to have it in me any more.  I was the consummate actor putting on a show for the world.  In reality, I was just breaking myself little by little.  I dear that change and the vulnerability it brings, but I truly believe that it is necessary. I was always a scared little boy. Then, I became an angry man.  It's time to cast that aside to become who I should have been allowed to be.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on October 12, 2017, 04:06:46 am
Amber,
   I hear you on the "is anyone out there" sometimes. As far as the anger goes, I lost an awful lot of that going on HRT. The T was poison to my system. You are wise to face the things that have haunted you. It is painful for sure, but running or in your case putting up the stone wall of strength, doesn't solve anything. If one is not at peace with themselves, it is pretty hard to find that crazy state of mind people call happiness. I always wonder how many people who seem to have it all together,are actually struggling. I suspect a fair amount. Hugs to you.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on October 12, 2017, 08:39:18 am
I know that I, and I'd wager many others just starting out, am definitely reading/listening to pretty much everything on these forums, but unfortunately often don't feel qualified to offer advice or anything besides what I worry would just come across as little more than pleasantries. What I mean is that you definitely aren't screaming into the aether if nothing else! And reading these stories, yours and others, of both trials and successes also definitely goes a long way in helping those like myself who are looking for something to connect to, and hopefully finding solace within, a community whose shared experiences provide us with the knowledge that we are not alone, each individually screaming into the aether. (I hope that last bit didn't sound too corny, just sort of happened to come back around to your original phrase as I was typing.  :-X)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 13, 2017, 11:16:29 am
I know that I, and I'd wager many others just starting out, am definitely reading/listening to pretty much everything on these forums, but unfortunately often don't feel qualified to offer advice or anything besides what I worry would just come across as little more than pleasantries. What I mean is that you definitely aren't screaming into the aether if nothing else! And reading these stories, yours and others, of both trials and successes also definitely goes a long way in helping those like myself who are looking for something to connect to, and hopefully finding solace within, a community whose shared experiences provide us with the knowledge that we are not alone, each individually screaming into the aether. (I hope that last bit didn't sound too corny, just sort of happened to come back around to your original phrase as I was typing.  :-X)
Hi roll.  I did a lot of lurking in the beginning too.  I am still not a prolific poster.  I typically have little to add to extant conversations anyway.  I don't feel ignored here at Susan's terribly much.  Mostly it's stupid Facebook.  Because of how fb chooses what to show on feeds, and the fact that most people have lots of friends and the fact that I don't post often, things I say there are very much like that.  I don't even think my wife sees what I post without having to scroll down for minutes on end.

There does also seem to be something about how I phrase things that seems to not invite comment.  It's funny because irl I am a very good conversationalist.

That feeling is particularly problematic due to my condition.  A large part of BPD is a strong fear of perceived rejection tied into critically absent self worth.  Online, there is no way to really know if others read or care.  In person, there are lots of subtle nonverbal cues.  It's hard to put my thoughts and feelings out there.  That's mostly why I avoid the negative things in posts.  I have shared some of my journey in an attempt to show that transition is not always a negative journey full of struggle.  As far as my transition goes it has been largely headache free.  I know for many this isn't the case.  For me it has been almost every other aspect of life that has been hell.  Perhaps, that fact alone has skewed my perspective on things.

I love all you ladies and the support you give.  I'm terrible at seeking support for myself.  Especially on a transgender forum when my issues are not tg related.  Anyway, off to my very first electrolysis session !  Have a good day ladies (and gentlemen if any of you are reading too)

Amber

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 14, 2017, 11:26:36 am
Hi girls,

So I survived !  That was an interesting experience.  I wasn't sure what I was getting in for so I opened for lidocaine injection.  I am going to go straight next time and skip the lidocaine.  The injection hurt a good bit on the upper lip.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance though.  A couple of grunts and some controlled breathing, and just a few involuntary tears for the first one, took care of that. The lady who administered the lidocaine told my electrolysist, "she's really stoic".   Too bad I couldn't actually see when she was doing the injection because that would have made it significantly easier to ignore the pain.  Apparently, I am a bit odd in that I can pretty much ignore physical pain if I can see it and be prepared for it.  I can do the same thing with shivering from cold and being ticklish.  My brain can just turn it off.  I know it's not a unique ability, but it certainly seems to be very uncommon.

Since I had four hours and lots of numbing I explained that I wanted to focus as much as possible on the upper lip since that is the most sensitive area.  She did a pretty good job and looks like she got about 60-70%of them before switching off to the darker chin hairs.  It doesn't look like it but I have incredibly dense hair coverage on the lip and chin.  After about 3 hours she told my lip was looking really inflamed and we should leave it alone for now.  Seeing as I don't want to deal with super amounts of swelling I was okay with that.

The lidocaine did not last the full time, but that's okay.  The center line of the upper lip was most worn off when she reached it.  She told me she could have them come back and give me a bit more numbing, but I declined.  That was a good way to tell how well I would be able to ignore it for future sessions.  It's really not that bad.  My chin was almost entirely normal by the time she got down there.  And other than a few hairs it was almost a non issue.  Maybe like a bug bite or something similar.

I was very ill prepared for aftercare, because I am terrible at planning and also very scatter brained.  I have a 3.5 hour drive to get down there, i.e. I also have a 3.5 hour drive back.  After we were done she rubbed the area with witch hazel and applied aloe.  I then had an incredibly annoying drive home where in I forgot to bring an icepack, or the aloe I have at home, or even painkiller, because I am smart like that.  I am also to cheap to stop and buy things I already own.  So I drove the whole trip and then had to do a few things before ever getting home at 11 pm and dealing with aftercare.  Next time I will definitely be more prepared.

The redness was gone by morning.  My upper lip is decently swollen and tender, my chin is a little bit as well.  I imagine a bit of that is from the injection and the rest is from the work done.  Annoyingly, I have lots of white bumps on my lip where hair was removed.  I should have expected this, but wasn't thinking.  I initially had the same reaction pretty much everywhere the first time I epilated, e.g. chest, arm, thighs, etc.  It's a histamine reaction.  They go away, but it is annoying to have them front and center.

I am going to discuss this next session.  Oral antihistamine prior to epilating didn't help historically, topical antihistamine immediately after has helped a bit.  However, given the length of the session I am not sure if it will be applied within a reasonably helpful window of time if we wait to the end.  When looking in the mirror at my car I noticed a number of them had already formed.  Oh well, even if we cant figure a solution out I can manage regardless.

The conversation was very neat and really made time go quickly.  We talked about kids which was fun.  When I mentioned that my daughter has ADHD and the change in seeing her medicated caused me to finally go through the work of getting treated myself, she brought up her teenage son whom she is starting to suspect may suffer from it.  She asked me a lot of questions about the various symptoms, behaviors and quirks that I have and my daughter showed.   A striking number of them were present for he son.  I urged her very strongly to get him tested for his own benefit.  It's quite treatable and the early you can intervene the better the outcomes.  I explained how a lot of the medications work and that the key part is they mitigate symptoms so that an individual can learn and work on life skills that just don't develop, or barely develop, when untreated.  Also, that it is significantly harder to develop these skills as you age and that currently that is a huge problem for me being undiagnosed for 36 years.  I also explained that even if they find him not to have ADHD the testing will identify weak points that can be addressed and improved upon.  She assumed the testing for ADHD was just one test and I had to explain that there is no single test for it.  It is a battery of psychological tests each that look at a single factor, such as working memory, focus, sensory processing, executive functioning, etc.

I hope she gets him checked.  I explained that untreated one thing that happens quite often is the development of self esteem issues.  Chronic underperformance slowly eats you up inside.  You get told repeatedly that you are just lazy and if you would only focus, or try harder, etc.  Meanwhile, you are incredibly impaired from that due to the way your brain is wired.  This is problematic on many levels and is one of my biggest problems.  Granted I had a terrible environment that exacerbated all of these problems, so my experience may be more extreme in intensity,  but reading other sufferers accounts they are pretty common.

We talked about general transition stuff and my experience with it.  She meets lots of transwomen and always finds it interesting to see how each of us discover things and experience things differently.  I explained that aside from this forum I have almost zero interaction with the community.  There aren't a whole lot of us in the area I live and, while I do see a few transwomen shopping where I work, it would be incredibly rude to call them out on it even if it's just to share.  This is one very odd side effect of passing extremely well.  I can see them, but almost no one sees me.

She told me that she was incredibly surprised when she first saw me and had to double-check my paperwork as to why I was there.  She told me that I just don't look like a transwoman and she initially thought I was a cis-woman.  That's incredibly validating.  I was blessed genetically I suppose, but since it seems to be so rare it's hard to talk about my experience without seeming arrogant.   I was at consistent male-fail at only 3 months on hormones. I don't have to try to blend in, I just do.  Even my mannerisms and speech are just natural.  I never worked on them and almost never consciously recognize how I am interacting with the world.  I am stealth without even trying to be so.  I don't deny being trans when it comes up (and the one time someone actually picked up on it and asked).  The only time people can tell is when I talk about certain things from my past.

There is a disconnect in my brain about it.  I see all of the very subtle signs.  Since I am trans I am very aware of the fact that I am trans.  Other people are not and just see me as a woman.  My mind just has an incredibly hard time accepting that fact.  It's getting better but the magnitude of the adjustment just surprised the <poo> out of me when I stop to think about it.  It's kind of lonely tbh.  I want to discuss this face to with people but it's so outside of normal experience for cis people that there is almost no way to relate.  I just get comments like, "well that's what you wanted, right?" Which yes it is, but I still would like to discuss how weird it is.  My experience seems so far removed from what most transwomen experience that it's almost impossible to talk about because of jealousy or it seeming like narcissism and bragging.

Sorry, for the long and vaguely rambling post.  Just recounting my experience and putting it out there for the world, I guess.  Seriously though, I can't be the only person who has had such an effortless experience, can I?  Also, it does not mean my life is easy.  It would just be nice to find that I'm not alone in this.

Amber

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: mm on October 14, 2017, 01:18:02 pm
Good luck with your first electrolysis session, I know it should be a new and exciting experience for you.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on October 14, 2017, 01:56:53 pm
I'm glad it mostly went well! I'm also happy to hear for my own sake that the pain was manageable for you when the lidocaine started to wear off, because the way you describe your pain tolerance is similar to how I am (a childhood of blood work tends to jade you about certain pains I suppose). I keep worrying I'm being arrogant about how I'll deal with the pain of hair removal, but I'm feeling a bit more sure of myself about it reading this.

I hope your daughter continues to do well with her medication as well! My sister has ADHD and some sensory processing issues stemming from it (I think they stem from it at least), and though relatively mild I still see how it affects her life so dramatically. She's highly intelligent but it has done a number on her in school in particular. Testing is a nightmare, and since she doesn't want to feel like an outcast by requesting accommodations for the ADHD and sensory issues she just suffers through exams and SATs in a situation less than conducive to her success. Then after school she won't even take her medicine until she needs to do home work. But partly because of the ADHD she puts off doing that homework until late. And then she won't take her medicine because it keeps her from sleeping.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 14, 2017, 04:43:24 pm


Testing is a nightmare, and since she doesn't want to feel like an outcast by requesting accommodations for the ADHD and sensory issues she just suffers through exams and SATs in a situation less than conducive to her success. Then after school she won't even take her medicine until she needs to do home work. But partly because of the ADHD she puts off doing that homework until late. And then she won't take her medicine because it keeps her from sleeping.

If you are similar about pain then you should have no problems.  Perhaps some ibuprofen or Tylenol beforehand and good to go.  I imagine you may still have some tears for the ones right up by the nostrils, but that is mostly just physiology. I know I can get tears like that from plucking nose hairs. It's funny because my children all seem to naturally have that same ability. My wife most assuredly does not.

That is unfortunate that your sister won't ask for accommodations.  They are there to help. Especially if she has some sensory processing issues.  Fwiw, accommodations would not have been useful to me.  I am very good at testing. My biggest issue was rushing through things sometimes and making careless mistakes.  I eventually (like only 5 years ago) learned to just do a second pass and reread everything.  Even that is difficult because it is boring.  My daughter is incredibly bright. She had had issues with her hearing, but the ear tubes served to have helped with that.

I am very thankful to be medicated. I'm an sure there will be some adjustments made on my follow up visit. For me the medicine for not keep me up at night.  In fact if I take a break and have nothing to do while it's in my system I get incredibly tired and feel like I could just nap (I actually did one time).  Typically, it takes me an hour or more to fall asleep this cuts that down significantly.  My issues are the duration is not nearly long enough and the resulting crash is annoying.  When I start to crash I can get very emotional and depressed. Plus without the medication in my system there is nothing stopping the negative self talk cycle.  These are all things I'm going to address at my visit.  There are a number of different formulations and meds, perhaps an adjustment or trial of a different one would be useful?

Thanks for checking in roll.  When do you play to start the electrolysis process?  For me I just started and I've been on hrt for 14 months.  It just want a big priority until recently.  Granted I am very blonde so I don't show a whole lot of beard shadow (just certain spots).  I imagine that if my hair was very dark it works have been a much higher priority.

Amber
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on October 14, 2017, 07:20:58 pm
I'm probably a ways off from electrolysis, since I'm going to give laser a go first (pale skin and dark hair makes for horrible beard shadow, so hopefully it will at least pay off on removal), and even with that I can't really start for a bit unfortunately. I'm going to have to go the groupon route for financial reasons, and closest place that has a discount for it is about 90+ minutes away. Which is a problem when you don't have a car. Talk about an expensive and awkward Uber ride. :D So yeah, I've gotta get transportation sorted out before I can do much of anything unfortunately.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 16, 2017, 02:05:48 pm


I'm probably a ways off from electrolysis, since I'm going to give laser a go first (pale skin and dark hair makes for horrible beard shadow, so hopefully it will at least pay off on removal), and even with that I can't really start for a bit unfortunately. I'm going to have to go the groupon route for financial reasons.


I did the Groupon thing and tried laser. I am pale skinned, but there just isn't enough dark hair for laser to do much of anything.  Was worth a shot anyway in my opinion.  I did have to go somewhere about an hour away for it, but I have a car.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to do all this (especially closeted) without reliable transportation.

I plan on writing out a full update later on. I just don't have time right now and honestly my mood is very <poor> today.  It's slowly improving, but certainly far from pleasant.  I'm trying to process a lot right now and my brain is having none of it.

Amber
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 21, 2017, 09:02:24 am
Well I have been meaning to write an update for a few days, but I keep finding reasons not to.  Even having the last two days off my mind has just been focused on other things.  I'll think about posting at odd and inconvenient times like in the shower or before bed, etc.

So things have been going relatively well.  Monday and Tuesday I had a a nasty chest cold.  I still am coughing up gunk, but it's less everyday.  That certainly put a damper on my mood earlier in the week.  I would have liked to call off work, but that wouldn't have done my wallet any favors.  It wasn't too bad except for the painfully swollen lymph nodes.  I could tell when my medicine would start to wear off.  Adderall and coffee we're the only things keeping me functional.

Therapy on Monday was tough.  It's funny to realize that you have very few distinct memories of your household growing up.  I can remember most things from school and with friends, but home is mostly a blank.  It's more just a memory of the negativity and poor treatment that repeated like a motif.  Granted a significant portion of my memories of school and socialization are bad ones of being bullied, teased, outcast, and beaten up.  Why then do I not remember specifics of my home from the same time?  It makes it hard to discuss with your therapist if you don't know beyond generalizations.  That left me feeling very upset and just off for most of the day.

Tuesday I finally had my psychiatry consult.  Once again I got to give an overview of my problems along with what medications I have taken before and what effect they did or did not have. I mentioned that I am not a fan of the atypical antipsychotic class because they are generally ineffective and I typically get odd side effects like anxiety from them.  She was puzzled because most of her BPD patients respond well to them.  Same with the SSRI class of antidepressants.  I typically receive no benefit and historically get sexual side effects from them.  I told her that the Adderall was a new thing (about 4 weeks) and that Thursday it was likely to be adjusted when I saw my Dr for a follow up.  We kind of ran out of time.  We are trying Prozac at the moment, but that will take weeks to see any benefit (if at all).  She suggested Abilify, but I told her that I would like to do more research before saying yes or no to that.  I go back in 5 weeks and we will see where we are at.

One of my big concerns with antipsychotics is that they are mostly dopamine antagonists.  As it turns out because of my ADHD the dopamine system in my brain doesn't seem to work correctly on its own.  This is why stimulants are prescribed.  They act to up dopamine activity and this helps regulate attention and focus.  They system is deficient and adding an antagonist would essentially exacerbate things.  I like how I respond to Adderall, it seems to be the first medication I have responded to in what could be considered a typical manner.  I don't want to start something that will screw that up.  In my research I learned that while Abilify is an atypical antispychotic, it acts differently than the rest of the class.  It is a partial dopamine agonist.  Particularly working on the a1, a2, and d1-d4 receptors in the frontal cortex.  So theoretically it may be a decent medication to try (though dosages need to be monitored and are typically lower for those on stimulants).  I'm leaning towards trying it when I go back.  Just depends on how things are going by then.

I was correct that on Thursday meds were adjusted.  We upped the dose slightly since I felt we were just barely at a theraputic dosage.  Duration is problematic.  It lasts for about 8 hours, but that doesn't cover the day at all.  I have had to choose between taking it in the morning so I can function in life but crash in the middle of my work shift, or wait until later but most of the benefit happens while at work, where I honestly don't need it.  He was hesitant about adding a small immediate release booster until I mentioned that I typically work 2nd shift (until 10 usually).  So we added that to the mix.  It's a little early to tell yet, but the upped dosage seems to be more consistently effective.

I finally got off my butt and did the leg work to publish my notification of name change.  That costs more than I cared to spend.  Why do they have to make this process so annoying.  I understand the concept behind publication, but I still think it should be more circumstantial and easier to waive.  So once I get the proof of publication in the mail it's just sit back and wait until the 22nd of November.

All in all the week started as <poo>, but got significantly better.  Mostly I hate the inconsistency of it all.  The rollercoaster ceases to be fun after so many years.  I'm working at it.

Amber

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 26, 2017, 11:35:44 am
Life is weird.  The last week or so has been nothing but pleasant for me.  I got to spend some time with my wife.  I got to spend some time with my kids.  I got to spend time with both.  I got to spend some time with a friend.  I made a new friend.

I had my neuropsych eval for adult ADHD.  It's pretty obvious that it's there and even the Dr agrees that this is pretty much just a formality.  Therapy was good and we are working on addressing negative thought patterns.

Holy <poo> the Adderall adjustment has been helpful.  It's too early to tell yet, but it seems that a significant portion of my mood instability derives from my ADHD being untreated.  All of the spare processing power in my brain seemed to fixate on negative cycles of thought just in the background until I am miserable and blow up over things that are only tangentially related.  My triggers seem to have a fuse now, which gives me a chance to do something about it before reacting, unlike before.  I am cautiously optimistic that I can start to enact real change to the maladaptive processes and reactions for the first time in my life.  I feel vaguely hopeful for the future this is very new to me.

I love some of the physical things going on right now as well.  I still have a good bit of facial hair and have to shave regularly, but she got a good amount of the darker hairs on around the corners of my chin and it is so less noticeable now when I am unshaven.  I am still shedding pounds and have quite a good curvy figure underneath being revealed.  I found an amazing sparkly blue nail polish and I am in love!

A bit of weirdness right now though.  My wife and I are going to a wedding on Saturday.  So we went clothes shopping (almost never happens so it was fun).  While there I decide to try on a few dresses too.  I find this little purple number randomly on the rack. It's size 16 which is very questionable for me.  I typically need to wear 18 or 20 because of my chest and shoulders.  I think what the hell, no harm in seeing if I can squeeze into it.  Omg it fits.  It's quite tight in the shoulders, but not obscenely so.  I need her help to get it back off again because of this.

I look in the mirror and wow!  My nerves are going haywire and I dont fully know why.  It looks amazing.  If I saw a woman looking like this wearing it I would be totally hitting on her.  I've never looked in the mirror and had the word beautiful pop into my head.  Not a shred of guy.  My figure looks amazing.  It makes my breasts look so prominent and busty.  It's tight, but in a good sexy way.  Very excited to buy it.  Some of the nerves is attributable to that.  I have no idea why I am freaking out otherwise.  It looks good, I look good.  What is the freaking problem...

I am sure this will pass, but it's disconcerting.  In many ways this is exactly what I wanted.  To be confident, passable, sexy and wear nice things.  It does feel right and amazing.  Why the hell am I so absolutely nervous and scared.

Once I doll up on Saturday I am totally posting this to the fabulous thread.  I just hope that the camera will love me for once instead of magnify my flaws.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on October 26, 2017, 12:50:52 pm
Happy to hear you had such a good week!

I love the thought of getting to the point of looking in the mirror and thinking "I'd hit on myself...". ;D I'm looking forward to seeing your fabulous thread post!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on October 26, 2017, 06:28:28 pm
Life is weird.  The last week or so has been nothing but pleasant for me.  I got to spend some time with my wife.  I got to spend some time with my kids.  I got to spend time with both.  I got to spend some time with a friend.  I made a new friend.

I had my neuropsych eval for adult ADHD.  It's pretty obvious that it's there and even the Dr agrees that this is pretty much just a formality.  Therapy was good and we are working on addressing negative thought patterns.

Holy <poo> the Adderall adjustment has been helpful.  It's too early to tell yet, but it seems that a significant portion of my mood instability derives from my ADHD being untreated.  All of the spare processing power in my brain seemed to fixate on negative cycles of thought just in the background until I am miserable and blow up over things that are only tangentially related.  My triggers seem to have a fuse now, which gives me a chance to do something about it before reacting, unlike before.  I am cautiously optimistic that I can start to enact real change to the maladaptive processes and reactions for the first time in my life.  I feel vaguely hopeful for the future this is very new to me.

I love some of the physical things going on right now as well.  I still have a good bit of facial hair and have to shave regularly, but she got a good amount of the darker hairs on around the corners of my chin and it is so less noticeable now when I am unshaven.  I am still shedding pounds and have quite a good curvy figure underneath being revealed.  I found an amazing sparkly blue nail polish and I am in love!

A bit of weirdness right now though.  My wife and I are going to a wedding on Saturday.  So we went clothes shopping (almost never happens so it was fun).  While there I decide to try on a few dresses too.  I find this little purple number randomly on the rack. It's size 16 which is very questionable for me.  I typically need to wear 18 or 20 because of my chest and shoulders.  I think what the hell, no harm in seeing if I can squeeze into it.  Omg it fits.  It's quite tight in the shoulders, but not obscenely so.  I need her help to get it back off again because of this.

I look in the mirror and wow!  My nerves are going haywire and I dont fully know why.  It looks amazing.  If I saw a woman looking like this wearing it I would be totally hitting on her.  I've never looked in the mirror and had the word beautiful pop into my head.  Not a shred of guy.  My figure looks amazing.  It makes my breasts look so prominent and busty.  It's tight, but in a good sexy way.  Very excited to buy it.  Some of the nerves is attributable to that.  I have no idea why I am freaking out otherwise.  It looks good, I look good.  What is the freaking problem...

I am sure this will pass, but it's disconcerting.  In many ways this is exactly what I wanted.  To be confident, passable, sexy and wear nice things.  It does feel right and amazing.  Why the hell am I so absolutely nervous and scared.

Once I doll up on Saturday I am totally posting this to the fabulous thread.  I just hope that the camera will love me for once instead of magnify my flaws.

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Amber,
   I'm just guessing here but is it a feeling like "I have put up with so much for so long, maybe I can't trust that it can be looking so good. " You gotta believe you deserve good things and that they really are gonna happen. We both know the trans roller coaster and its up's and down's. You are building your future, accept the good.
Moni
Oh, the other thing is that change can be scary, even good change.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 26, 2017, 06:43:21 pm


accept the good.

Oh, the other thing is that change can be scary, even good change.

Moni,

I am seriously terrible at accepting good.  Also, the last point is probably closer to the truth of things. 

I spoke with a friend about the dress thing and eventually she made a quip about how scandalous me going out and enjoying myself looking sexy is.  That gave me a good laugh and really gave me some perspective on how silly I was being.  It's crazy some of the things you internalize without even realizing it. 

Amber

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on October 26, 2017, 07:43:15 pm
You just need practice  ;D
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 01, 2017, 10:31:32 am
Well time for a long update.  So much awesome, weirdness, and self discovery the last few days.

Saturday I got coffee with a friend.  It was so nice to get together outside of work. I see so many parallels between us in how we respond to things and interact with the world.  I eventually broached the subject of BPD with her.  I let her read a description of the condition because she didn't know much about it.  For her it rang far too true and was almost as if she wrote it.  I know what that is like because I felt the same way when I first read about 7 years ago.  It was still a great time out and we plan to do it again sometime.

Around 1pm on Sat it was time to get ready for the wedding.  Much like the other day I started freaking out hardcore again.  Severe nerves bordering on panic.  I could not for the life of me figure out why there was such a strong physiological response.  I was fine by the time I was done with my makeup and the evening went great and was nice.  It was so nice to see two good friends finally tie the knot.  I did put a picture up in the fabulous thread.

Sunday my wife and I met up with a good friend for a holistic and psychic fair that was going on.  I was mostly there to hang out with my friend but it was pretty neat overall.  Back in high school I used to be fascinated by all of the new age stuff.  As I grew older my logical brain took over and killed most of that part of me.  I sometimes wonder if that was just a part of me repressing everything about me that I was uncomfortable with.  I do miss that more spiritual side of me.  I will slowly figure out a balance.

While there my friend got a tarot reading.  She was pleased with the answer she got.  My wife decided to get a rune reading.  The answer was fascinating and very relevant to the question she had.  Nothing to read too much into, but pretty spot on about the current situation and the likely outcome.  I asked a few pertinent question about a possible interpretation and the lady asked if I do this sort of thing.  I haven't read up on runes or tarot in 15 years or so.  I guess I'm a natural?

I got a tarot reading because, why not.  I got a 3 card spread in the format of situation/complication/advice.  My question related to my transition and desire for GCS.  For those that don't know, you just think about the question, you don't tell the reader what it is.  It was a fascinating response I got.  First she asks me if I am spiritual.  I give a noncommittal response and she suggests that it may not be spirituality so much as a question of faith, either internal or external.  This is fairly apropos since the whole scenario of my transition has been one of mostly blind faith.  The complication card she asks if there is a cocky male figure in my life.  Apparently, there is a strong, arrogant, and pushy male figure that is complicating the issue.  That male figure is easily me and the lady was very confused when I commented along those lines.  I forget sometimes that others don't automatically realize I'm trans.  My wife and friend (who merely were guessing my question). Immediately thought of me on that as well.  The advice was that I need to let things go, like water under the bridge.  I found the whole reading interesting because it really does sum up my whole transition and the problems I still struggle with.  It's all based on a belief that things will turn out well.  That this is what I want even though I can't always explain why.  The biggest hurdle has been the masculine persona I built up over the years and his refusal to be cast aside.

Monday was a very messed up day.  I had therapy in the morning.  It was difficult to admit that I don't often know exactly how I am feeling and I am terrible at putting words to it, despite my massive vocabulary.  We spoke about the dress situation.  I once again ran into a wall trying to explain why.  I realized that during the session I was talking around the issue and was very upset with myself. 

On the drive home I forced myself to confront my thoughts and fears.  This did not go well.  I finally admitted to myself that I am attracted to men, I likely always have been.  I repressed the <poo> out of that.  That is why I was so scared about the dress.  I looked good and deep down I want to be attractive to men.  I am attracted to women, but I no longer know how much of that is real, versus how much is part of that false persona.  I am scared about how much I don't know about myself.  I like my life.  I love my wife and kids.  Why can't I just be happy with what is.

I talked with my wife about this discovery that night.  I told her I'm scared of myself and I want nothing to change for us.  I realize it's not just a physical/sexual attraction.  I don't understand fully why I see it with such shame and guilt.  She was concerned, though mostly for me rather than about me.  She hates to see me upset like that.  I haven't felt like that since I first admitted to myself that I was trans.  I am better now.  I accept the reality of the discovery.  Nothing changes for the two of us.  Like always we will deal with life one day at a time.  I am just very scared of the possibility of inadvertently losing that spark for her.

Also, I am coming to realize that I likely have always been a woman inside, though I wasn't aware of it.  I was so traumatized over the years because I was different that I did build up a hard and false shell of a person to protect me.  I don't like who I was/had created.  It was an amalgam of some of the worst traits.  I am still not sure how I feel about that.  In many ways there are still two fragments of me warring over my soul.  Denying reality does me no favors.  So I must learn how to move past this and become a whole person.  Luckily, I am resilient.  Tata for now girls.  Thanks for reading.

Amber

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 05, 2017, 08:12:21 pm
Nothing ever ends well and no good deed goes unpunished.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on November 05, 2017, 09:48:15 pm
Nothing ever ends well and no good deed goes unpunished.

I know the feeling.  :-X Is it anything specific you want to talk about here?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 06, 2017, 06:24:30 am
Sorry I don't wish to discuss.  Thank you for inquiring.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 06, 2017, 03:33:38 pm
I'm done.  I don't want to try anymore.  Even when trying my hardest everything still goes to <poo>. I'm tired of being the villain in my own life.  I'm not ending it, just gonna sit back and let everything crumble.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 07, 2017, 06:23:19 am
Apparently my life and experiences are so radically not normal that talking with others about then and asking for advice is just inviting insult.  No wonder I closed everything off for years.  Don't mind me, I'm just going to be over here rebuilding a bunch of walls.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 18, 2017, 11:19:39 am
Well finally time for an update.  I don't particularly think may of you read this thread or care much about my life, but for the few of you who do here's some stuff that's been happening.  I will apologize for the sour note of most of this post, but I am sick and also slowly falling back into a depressive spell after the last two days events.

So a few weeks ago I was incredibly upset and posted a few times very vaguely about it.  To those of you who reached out to me, even though I did not wish to talk, thank you.  The story of that is kind of <poor> and in some ways is an excellent example of how I manage to inadvertantly make life much more difficult than it should be.

I became friends with a girl from work a few months ago.  She doesn't have many friends that she is close to and neither do I.  She is substantially younger than I at 19, but we have some similar interests.  We both have a rough past.  For whatever reason we both felt very comfortable sharing details of our pasts with each other.  It was nice to find someone I could bond with so effortlessly.  She has know from day one about my being trans.  However she sees and interacts with me comolet as a woman and has been a huge help in getting me to realize how others see me.

I told her very early about having BPD.  Also, that this means I am freaking terrible at maintaining healthy boundaries with others.  After hearing some of the things that have happened to her and how she processes things I suggested that she might also have BPD.  I still feel this is quite likely and recommended she get back into therapy.  There is just way too many similarities in these aspects between us.  I have had a bunch of extra years dealing with this and am in a much less chaotic time of life so I want to be able to offer advice and guidance to her.

Unfortunately, like most every time I get close to someone, I started to develop strong feelings for her.  Not sexual feelings, though they occasionally crop up, mostly romantic feelings.  I decided it was in everyone's best interest to address this with her.  I am incapable of acting on any of those feelings.  I suspected that she may have been developing feelings towards me as well. 

This seems to be the point where things went wrong.  I brought everything up to her.  Turns out I was correct and that she did reciprocate the feelings, to a lesser degree, but they were still there.  We discussed how we don't want anything to change about the friendship.  I had a rough night because knowing that she also felt something I got caught in a mental loop of just expecting that at some point I would <screw> everything up somehow and something would happen.  Thereby ruining my marriage and my friendship.  She got to see some of this consternation.  Unfortunately, she has a history of sexual abuse and her brain ran wild with things too.  Suddenly, I am lumped in with all of her abusers.  The next day things fell completely apart.

I spent the next few days completely heartbroken and blaming myself for screwing things up.  I never intended to hurt someone, but I did.  I never intended to get too close, but I was unable to prevent it.  Deep down I am an incredibly vulnerable person and I opened myself up to being hurt again.  We both got burned to some degree.  When I did reach out for help and advice I got <poo> on entirely.  Suddenly, I am just this creepy old <screw> preying on a young girl.  Not what happened, nor what was intended.  I have about zero control over my emotions. This is one of the unfortunate side effects of that.  I tried to be an adult about things for once and put everything out in the open and got burned for it.

I finally reached out to her to attempt to set things right.  We worked through a little bit of the misunderstandings and decided we can try to be friends.  Here's the rub.  When texting each other things seem relatively normal.  However, seeing each other in person is awkward as hell.  We both have our walls way up now.  I have no idea how to move forward and every in person interaction (all brief and at work) has ended with one or both of us upset.  I really wish we could sit down and discuss all of the misinterpretation and false assumption that our brains are doing, but I have no idea if or when that would happen.  I hate the current situation and blame myself heavily still for screwing everything up (i.e. being me).

In other news my name change will be official on Wednesday. I should be excited, but honestly, I am not.  It's pleasant to know it'll happen but I'm just dreading all the legwork to contact and change it with everyone.  My ADHD makes me particularly terrible at that kind of thing.

I had my second session of electrolysis last week.  No lidocaine this time.  It's not bad or even really painful, more uncomfortable than anything else.  Even after just 2 sessions of 4 hours the improvement is amazing.  We have focused entirely on the lip and chin.  While there are still lots of little hairs there, the thickest and darkest are gone.  This has been remarkably helpful.  I have mostly blonde facial hair.  It's not that noticeable usually, though I did have a little bit of shadow in those two areas.  That is mostly gone now.

This week I received my first letter toward GCS.  It won't be long until I get my second letter.  Then I can get my insurance to pay for genital electrolysis.  I will have to get the letters updated closer to August when my consult is.  I could have just waited until closer to then to do all of this and done the electrolysis later, but I see no real reason other than inconvenience not too do it all now.

Sorry for the incredibly long post.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Megan. on November 18, 2017, 12:26:02 pm
Amber,

I'm very inexperienced when it comes to personal relationships; but the simple choice is cut ourselves off, or reach out and risk hurt to ourselves and the other party.
It would be a sad world without love, you made a brave choice in being open.

Even if you're not excited I'll say congratulations on the name change. Yes it does come with a seemingly endless amount of paper work (I have a diagnosed severe allergy to this ),  but it's also an opportunity to make your mark and tell the world who you are!

Good luck on that second letter,  then it sounds like you'll be taking those next steps. X

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on November 18, 2017, 12:55:25 pm
Well finally time for an update.  I don't particularly think may of you read this thread or care much about my life, but for the few of you who do here's some stuff that's been happening.  I will apologize for the sour note of most of this post, but I am sick and also slowly falling back into a depressive spell after the last two days events.

So a few weeks ago I was incredibly upset and posted a few times very vaguely about it.  To those of you who reached out to me, even though I did not wish to talk, thank you.  The story of that is kind of <poor> and in some ways is an excellent example of how I manage to inadvertantly make life much more difficult than it should be.

I became friends with a girl from work a few months ago.  She doesn't have many friends that she is close to and neither do I.  She is substantially younger than I at 19, but we have some similar interests.  We both have a rough past.  For whatever reason we both felt very comfortable sharing details of our pasts with each other.  It was nice to find someone I could bond with so effortlessly.  She has know from day one about my being trans.  However she sees and interacts with me comolet as a woman and has been a huge help in getting me to realize how others see me.

I told her very early about having BPD.  Also, that this means I am freaking terrible at maintaining healthy boundaries with others.  After hearing some of the things that have happened to her and how she processes things I suggested that she might also have BPD.  I still feel this is quite likely and recommended she get back into therapy.  There is just way too many similarities in these aspects between us.  I have had a bunch of extra years dealing with this and am in a much less chaotic time of life so I want to be able to offer advice and guidance to her.

Unfortunately, like most every time I get close to someone, I started to develop strong feelings for her.  Not sexual feelings, though they occasionally crop up, mostly romantic feelings.  I decided it was in everyone's best interest to address this with her.  I am incapable of acting on any of those feelings.  I suspected that she may have been developing feelings towards me as well. 

This seems to be the point where things went wrong.  I brought everything up to her.  Turns out I was correct and that she did reciprocate the feelings, to a lesser degree, but they were still there.  We discussed how we don't want anything to change about the friendship.  I had a rough night because knowing that she also felt something I got caught in a mental loop of just expecting that at some point I would <screw> everything up somehow and something would happen.  Thereby ruining my marriage and my friendship.  She got to see some of this consternation.  Unfortunately, she has a history of sexual abuse and her brain ran wild with things too.  Suddenly, I am lumped in with all of her abusers.  The next day things fell completely apart.

I spent the next few days completely heartbroken and blaming myself for screwing things up.  I never intended to hurt someone, but I did.  I never intended to get too close, but I was unable to prevent it.  Deep down I am an incredibly vulnerable person and I opened myself up to being hurt again.  We both got burned to some degree.  When I did reach out for help and advice I got <poo> on entirely.  Suddenly, I am just this creepy old <screw> preying on a young girl.  Not what happened, nor what was intended.  I have about zero control over my emotions. This is one of the unfortunate side effects of that.  I tried to be an adult about things for once and put everything out in the open and got burned for it.

I finally reached out to her to attempt to set things right.  We worked through a little bit of the misunderstandings and decided we can try to be friends.  Here's the rub.  When texting each other things seem relatively normal.  However, seeing each other in person is awkward as hell.  We both have our walls way up now.  I have no idea how to move forward and every in person interaction (all brief and at work) has ended with one or both of us upset.  I really wish we could sit down and discuss all of the misinterpretation and false assumption that our brains are doing, but I have no idea if or when that would happen.  I hate the current situation and blame myself heavily still for screwing everything up (i.e. being me).

In other news my name change will be official on Wednesday. I should be excited, but honestly, I am not.  It's pleasant to know it'll happen but I'm just dreading all the legwork to contact and change it with everyone.  My ADHD makes me particularly terrible at that kind of thing.

I had my second session of electrolysis last week.  No lidocaine this time.  It's not bad or even really painful, more uncomfortable than anything else.  Even after just 2 sessions of 4 hours the improvement is amazing.  We have focused entirely on the lip and chin.  While there are still lots of little hairs there, the thickest and darkest are gone.  This has been remarkably helpful.  I have mostly blonde facial hair.  It's not that noticeable usually, though I did have a little bit of shadow in those two areas.  That is mostly gone now.

This week I received my first letter toward GCS.  It won't be long until I get my second letter.  Then I can get my insurance to pay for genital electrolysis.  I will have to get the letters updated closer to August when my consult is.  I could have just waited until closer to then to do all of this and done the electrolysis later, but I see no real reason other than inconvenience not too do it all now.

Sorry for the incredibly long post.

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Amberwaves. All of what you wrote does not define you. Only you know who you are.

Look. I am non op and don't want to be post op. We are all different. But I will say one thing and that is to not be too hasty. I am happy with being non op and I pass pretty good.

Electrolysis on the face and other areas like are fine but beauty trends change over time. So genital electrolysis? I would stick with shaving and or shaping. In ten years it may very well indeed be normal and fashionable to have a full bush and or hairy legs and underarms. Yes it is a pain in the ass shaving but a good sort of pain in the ass though. Taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and doing what needs to be done is kind of sensual. Most cis women shave. As for the Genitals and ridding yourself of hair "down there" that can be really a sensual thing for your partner to do for you. :embarrassed:

Shaving sux and is quite a bit of work but it can also be relaxing and sensual. My BF sometimes loves to shave my legs and underarms in the bath together. As for wherever else, he loves to do that too. But you have to think like this, fashions change so hairless today maybe be hairy tomorrow so don't be to hasty on the genitals. I don't think women will ever have hairy legs or underarms again but... you never know.

As for the girl from work. Sometimes women want to be but can't be lesbian. Sometimes they don't want but are. Personally I like men. Women are different, hell I am different. I have had girlfriends in the past and as "lipstick" it seemed they always expected more than I could give. It seems they were expecting the best of both worlds but all I could provide was one. :embarrassed: I can't blame them because I like the same thing in a partner as they do. >:-) LOL I have had so many that loved the oral but when it came to the copulation, they laughed or were not pleased. So you really can't blame her for that.

Look hon, there is nothing easy about this. You are just starting to realize who and what you are. That my dear is the hardest part. Personally if I met a woman that I wanted to have a relationship with I would hope she is a MTF. Other than that I stick to men. But you have to find your own way.

But don't ever get discouraged. If you are then you are regardless of electrolysis or anything else. It isn't as much about the body but the mind. It is complicated and it is a lot of work. So put the effort in.

Seriously I have a degree in Psychology and I am skeptical of those that just now discover themselves yet I will always tell them to wait at least a year or more before they go all in. I don't make a dime off this advice that I give. I don't have a practice or even practice in a clinical sense but make for sure. I used to go back and forth when I was younger and now that I am older I don't but just in case though. It was really hard trying to be a boy with boobs but...

Seriously and personally I am so envious of Bailey Jay because she is gorgeous a few others too even Bea Armitage that has no boobs but regardless of anything else it is less about your body but more about your mind and all that goes with it. So really make for sure. I have had friends that transitioned and then detransitioned but after so much HRT or even SRS it may be too late.

Most psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist will make you jump through hoops because when they sign off on the letters it all goes back on them. They just want to make for sure. I would too.

It is not jumping through hoops but if you can live a year as a woman then I would sign a letter. It is complicated, sometimes not too comfortable and you will always be a trans woman even after SRS. So you need to make for sure because if not it may come back on them for "jumping the gun" and no professional is going to put their career on the line at least until you make them feel comfortable with your own decision. There hardest thing to do is be a trans woman or trans man. HRT won't cure it and SRS won't cure it because there will always be a transition period in which you will face being a man in women's clothing or a woman in men's clothing. So no, they are not "gatekeepers" they just want to make for sure that is what you can live with.

I know what I just said will probably get a lot of negative feedback but everyone just think about it though. I know who I am. I have faced it and even choose to be non op.

I am truly sorry if my post offended anyone. :angel:
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 18, 2017, 01:15:26 pm


Amberwaves. All of what you wrote does not define you. Only you know who you are.

Look. I am non op and don't want to be post op. We are all different. But I will say one thing and that is to not be too hasty. I am happy with being non op and I pass pretty good.

Electrolysis on the face and other areas like are fine but beauty trends change over time. So genital electrolysis? I would stick with shaving and or shaping. In ten years it may very well indeed be normal and fashionable to have a full bush and or hairy legs and underarms. Yes it is a pain in the ass shaving but a good sort of pain in the ass though. Taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and doing what needs to be done is kind of sensual. Most cis women shave. As for the Genitals and ridding yourself of hair "down there" that can be really a sensual thing for your partner to do for you. :embarrassed:

Shaving sux and is quite a bit of work but it can also be relaxing and sensual. My BF sometimes loves to shave my legs and underarms in the bath together. As for wherever else, he loves to do that too. But you have to think like this, fashions change so hairless today maybe be hairy tomorrow so don't be to hasty on the genitals. I don't think women will ever have hairy legs or underarms again but... you never know.

As for the girl from work. Sometimes women want to be but can't be lesbian. Sometimes they don't want but are. Personally I like men. Women are different, hell I am different. I have had girlfriends in the past and as "lipstick" it seemed they always expected more than I could give. It seems they were expecting the best of both worlds but all I could provide was one. :embarrassed: I can't blame them because I like the same thing in a partner as they do. >:-) LOL I have had so many that loved the oral but when it came to the copulation, they laughed or were not pleased. So you really can't blame her for that.

Look hon, there is nothing easy about this. You are just starting to realize who and what you are. That my dear is the hardest part. Personally if I met a woman that I wanted to have a relationship with I would hope she is a MTF. Other than that I stick to men. But you have to find your own way.

But don't ever get discouraged. If you are then you are regardless of electrolysis or anything else. It isn't as much about the body but the mind. It is complicated and it is a lot of work. So put the effort in.

Seriously I have a degree in Psychology and I am skeptical of those that just now discover themselves yet I will always tell them to wait at least a year or more before they go all in. I don't make a dime off this advice that I give. I don't have a practice or even practice in a clinical sense but make for sure. I used to go back and forth when I was younger and now that I am older I don't but just in case though. It was really hard trying to be a boy with boobs but...

Seriously and personally I am so envious of Bailey Jay because she is gorgeous a few others too even Bea Armitage that has no boobs but regardless of anything else it is less about your body but more about your mind and all that goes with it. So really make for sure. I have had friends that transitioned and then detransitioned but after so much HRT or even SRS it may be too late.

Most psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist will make you jump through hoops because when they sign off on the letters it all goes back on them. They just want to make for sure. I would too.

It is not jumping through hoops but if you can live a year as a woman then I would sign a letter. It is complicated, sometimes not too comfortable and you will always be a trans woman even after SRS. So you need to make for sure because if not it may come back on them for "jumping the gun" and no professional is going to put their career on the line at least until you make them feel comfortable with your own decision. There hardest thing to do is be a trans woman or trans man. HRT won't cure it and SRS won't cure it because there will always be a transition period in which you will face being a man in women's clothing or a woman in men's clothing. So no, they are not "gatekeepers" they just want to make for sure that is what you can live with.

I know what I just said will probably get a lot of negative feedback but everyone just think about it though. I know who I am. I have faced it and even choose to be non op.

I am truly sorry if my post offended anyone. :angel:

I am vaguely confused by your post.  This really wasn't a post questioning myself, especially in regards to being transgender or being a woman.  You seemed to latch onto a few things I wrote and kind of ignore the rest.

I have been on HRT for 17 months.  I have been living as a woman for nearly as long (there were areas I waited a little bit longer to come out than others).  I started male failing at 3 months and according to most that I have asked have passed as a woman really well for a good while.  Yes I have struggled to internalize how the world sees me versus how I see me.  That's not really the issue though.  I have never once complained about "gatekeeping" and have only complained about jumping through hoops as in regards to my insurance.  Not sure why you focus so much of your response on that aspect.  I have spent the last decade discovering myself dealing with my psychological problems and the last two ish years my gender issues.  This is hardly a new process for me.

I failed to mention in the post that I am not trying to force someone to be a lesbian.  This girl happens to be bisexual and has experienced relationships (sexual and romantic) with both.  That's honestly problematic because if she were straight it would be much easier for my mind to reconcile that there is no need to fear screwing up.

I haven't questioned my decision to pursue GCS a whole lot in a few months.  I am comfortable knowing that it is what I want.  As far as genital electrolysis that is in preparation for GCS.  It does not extend to the entire genital area, just the future vaginoplasty site.  I have shaved that area before (I typically don't because of sensitive skin). You are correct that it makes sensation better and is a treat for intimacy.  However, that was not really what I was discussing. 

Like I said I am a little confused by your post because it appears you only read a little bit (certainly not enough to understand what I was trying to convey).  I'm not offended by anything you wrote.  I feel others voicing their thoughts can be quite valuable.  I just feel your response was rather off in nature to what preceded it.

Amber

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on November 18, 2017, 02:26:24 pm

I am vaguely confused by your post.  This really wasn't a post questioning myself, especially in regards to being transgender or being a woman.  You seemed to latch onto a few things I wrote and kind of ignore the rest.

I have been on HRT for 17 months.  I have been living as a woman for nearly as long (there were areas I waited a little bit longer to come out than others).  I started male failing at 3 months and according to most that I have asked have passed as a woman really well for a good while.  Yes I have struggled to internalize how the world sees me versus how I see me.  That's not really the issue though.  I have never once complained about "gatekeeping" and have only complained about jumping through hoops as in regards to my insurance.  Not sure why you focus so much of your response on that aspect.  I have spent the last decade discovering myself dealing with my psychological problems and the last two ish years my gender issues.  This is hardly a new process for me.

I failed to mention in the post that I am not trying to force someone to be a lesbian.  This girl happens to be bisexual and has experienced relationships (sexual and romantic) with both.  That's honestly problematic because if she were straight it would be much easier for my mind to reconcile that there is no need to fear screwing up.

I haven't questioned my decision to pursue GCS a whole lot in a few months.  I am comfortable knowing that it is what I want.  As far as genital electrolysis that is in preparation for GCS.  It does not extend to the entire genital area, just the future vaginoplasty site.  I have shaved that area before (I typically don't because of sensitive skin). You are correct that it makes sensation better and is a treat for intimacy.  However, that was not really what I was discussing. 

Like I said I am a little confused by your post because it appears you only read a little bit (certainly not enough to understand what I was trying to convey).  I'm not offended by anything you wrote.  I feel others voicing their thoughts can be quite valuable.  I just feel your response was rather off in nature to what preceded it.

Amber

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Ok so I am wrong. I can admit that. ;)

As for pubes I shave them. I did the total Brazilian on time but it was not the same sensation. Sometimes I let it grow and then shape it for my boyfriend.

The part I highlighted. There is a difference between all sexual orientations. They are just as varied as we are trans. My best friend from way back is gay. He don't like women but he likes something else but only if he is top. My boyfriend is straight. He likes women and femininity yet he does the oral thing on me. ??? I really can't explain either one of them but they like what they like and attracted to whoever and whatever they are attracted to. I think we are all like that and attracted to certain... elements of people whether it be physical or emotional. I am so attracted to my boyfriend and he claims to be so attracted to me too but, there are other men that drive me wild also but I would never tell him this just like there are other women that he is attracted to also. I am not jealous because he always comes home to me and vice versa. He likes Bailey Jay but to him it is the bangs and the dark hair and the femininity. I am not much different except for hair color and I do straighten my bangs for him when we go out. But one thing is that he does not want a "big one". In that case he likes Amy Daley. Hey I let him watch porn. All men will watch it. They will see it and so on. Women too.

So yeah. I guess I missed a lot of what you were trying to say and I am sorry. But hon, if that is you in your pic then you are trans and can pass from what I have seen.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on November 18, 2017, 02:52:08 pm
Amber,
   Thank you for explaining why you were upset. I am interested and think your thread does have depth and feeling to it. It is certainly worth doing. I am sorry this relationship took such a turn. It is safer to put up walls and not let people in, but that is not a happy way  to live, I think. I hope given a little time, things will come around with her. Admitting vulnerability is hard. Letting guard down definitely lets us open to hurt, but I think we make a mistake if we think it is inevitable. Given the things you have experienced in your life, maybe it is easy to feel this way. I just fear that self fulfilling prophecy thing, where you think it will happen so you make it so. My gender surgery was a personal experiment with this for me. It was not characteristic for me to open myself up to a journey and not expect or try to prepare for the worst. I went with the experience without my mental baggage (getting to the surgery had enough of that). I went in with as much positivity as I could. Can't say it will always work, but I liked it when it did. Am hoping you are feeling better. Oh yeah, kill the vagina hair early and often, definitely.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on November 18, 2017, 03:08:31 pm
Hey Amber, I'm happy that you are moving along nicely on GCS "prep"! It's always good news when those sorts of things fall into place. :)

And try not to let the relationship with the girl bring you down too much. I know it's hard, believe me I suck at relationships and agonize over every little detail, but unfortunately there is little you can do but hope she learns to see you for what you are (as in not just another of her abusers). Particularly being as young as she is, the odds are she has not had time to deal with her past abuse in a manner that allows her healthy relationships based on trust, romantic or friendships. I think that you did the right thing opening up to someone, no matter the outcome. It's so easy to stay closed off to the world, I know I tend to try to, but it's also unrewarding at best. Only by opening up and being vulnerable can you find those true relationships that are meant to be. Most importantly, you didn't screw anything up, and don't think you did. You can't control your emotions and who you have feelings for, just as she can't control her past sexual abuse which shaped her reactions to everything. And who knows, maybe the awkwardness isn't forever. Maybe you will be able to find the same connection again when things have time to process. (And frankly, I think you probably have a number of us beat on willingness to make those personal connections. ;D)

Remember: In my time here, you have shown yourself to be a sweet, caring person. And going through all of this, you have proven your strength as well. These sorts of things may honest to god, well and truly just suck at a fundamental level... but, you're trying(to build those deeper connections). That counts for a lot, a whole lot, in this world, and that is more than can be said for many, myself included.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 18, 2017, 05:12:58 pm


Hey Amber, I'm happy that you are moving along nicely on GCS "prep"! It's always good news when those sorts of things fall into place. :)

And try not to let the relationship with the girl bring you down too much. I know it's hard, believe me I suck at relationships and agonize over every little detail, but unfortunately there is little you can do but hope she learns to see you for what you are (as in not just another of her abusers). Particularly being as young as she is, the odds are she has not had time to deal with her past abuse in a manner that allows her healthy relationships based on trust, romantic or friendships. I think that you did the right thing opening up to someone, no matter the outcome. It's so easy to stay closed off to the world, I know I tend to try to, but it's also unrewarding at best. Only by opening up and being vulnerable can you find those true relationships that are meant to be. Most importantly, you didn't screw anything up, and don't think you did. You can't control your emotions and who you have feelings for, just as she can't control her past sexual abuse which shaped her reactions to everything. And who knows, maybe the awkwardness isn't forever. Maybe you will be able to find the same connection again when things have time to process. (And frankly, I think you probably have a number of us beat on willingness to make those personal connections. ;D)

Remember: In my time here, you have shown yourself to be a sweet, caring person. And going through all of this, you have proven your strength as well. These sorts of things may honest to god, well and truly just suck at a fundamental level... but, you're trying(to build those deeper connections). That counts for a lot, a whole lot, in this world, and that is more than can be said for many, myself included.

Your a sweetheart Ellie.  Unfortunately, as the day has worn on I have spiraled into one of my lovely self-loathing moods. Yes things are chugging along as far transition goes. Which is nice, but I honestly feel like I should be more enthused about things.  The last few months I have been very scattered and unfocused in my life and I just need to find that spark again.

I believe you when you admit that your aren't terribly good with friendships irl either.  I do a lot of the same things and I have it.  I just called things off about trying to remain friends. It is causing both of us some serious unneeded drama.  I don't know how many times I can keep opening myself up to hurt, which is inevitable, in this case.  I have, yet again, proven myself incapable of acting like a well adjusted adult and respecting people spaces and boundaries.  Therefore it's time to throw in the towel and sulk for a bit.

I have been trying hard over the last few years to progress and become someone better than who I was.  Unfortunately, right now, I'm just tired and need to draw inward.  I can be sweet and caring, but I can also be a manipulative <poo> and a petulant child.  I sternly warn any and all about giving a damn about me because I inevitably disappoint and hurt those I get close to. The inconsistency is killing me.  I have some traits that are great and that people seem drawn to.  Unfortunately I also possess some of the worst traits too.  It's a bit of a <poo> shoot which set will be in charge at any moment. 

Medications have historically been ineffective.  I am currently in prozac, but have yet to see any results.  U should have been more form at my last visit about trying a mood stabilizer, but most of them interact with either my estrogen or my Adderall.  I am freaking rifle to providers because there is no pattern to anything and unless they get to see me in one of my moods they will have no clue how it is. I can describe things up and down, but there is no substitute for experience.

I am stuck at work tonight and all my coworkers are very confused because I am a total bitch tonight and it had nothing to do with them.  I told them that I am mad about something not related to here but it doesn't make me pleasant to deal with. It's annoying as <poo> too, because I don't care for my co-workers that are on with me tonight.  I am spending all of my spare cpu cycles dwelling on how much I hate being me. How the <poo> can you describe that to anyone?  It's very hard to not self harm.  I will succeed in that endeavor as long as things don't devolve further, but it takes most of my energy to fight back. It's just a fun time to be me. Fml.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on November 18, 2017, 08:21:51 pm
I understand the need to draw inward for sure, sometimes it's necessary. It's hard for many people to understand that there comes a point when all you can do is focus on recovery from something they just take for granted. (For my part I wouldn't even get to the personal relationships and would withdraw after just a few hours out in the world doing routine things. There were points when I was at my worst I'd not leave my bed and sleep for days, not wanting to deal with anything. Which honestly was still better than the times I would just eat ungodly amounts until I was sick, since that had the lasting effect.)

I truly hope you do find your spark again! I know that spark has been a driving force for me over the past few months, and I'm not sure what I would do without it. (Probably fall into more of the same that I did for the years before.  :-X)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 19, 2017, 05:21:56 pm
Depression has been a lifelong companion to me.  I have definitely spent my days in bed avoiding the world.  I don't get as bad or as often these days.  Luckily, the self-loathing has muted to a dull background noise.  I was successful in not harming yesterday, though it was tenuous for a while.

Honestly, I'm just kind of sick of trying at the moment.  I don't want to be pleasant or nice.  I have lowered my expectations of having meaningful friendships with others.  I cannot control myself and respect boundaries.  For the benefit of others I am withdrawing for a while (duration unknown).

I find that I truly have a difficult time finding others who have any ability to understand me and my experiences.  The only people who seem to understand are those who have a similar <poor> life experience and are broken themselves.  This just never works well and ends in pain.  That has been one of the nicer aspects of being transgender.  Through this forum I found some who have had similar experiences as mine (at least with regard to gender).  It's comforting sometimes to know you are not an outlier.  For the most part my experiences in life have been quite isolating.  It's incredibly hard to connect with people when you are so deviant from average.

The process of transition has opened me up to emotions beyond anger and depression.  I am still not sure if this has been the brightest idea.  I locked everything away because I couldn't cope and handle it.  Now I lack the skills to be well adjusted and it's terrible to be in your mid-thirties with the emotional tolerance of an adolescent.  I have seemingly always experienced emotions more intensely than others.  Unfortunately, with my ADHD I misplaced the remote and can't turn the volume down.  Such is life sometimes.  I'll survive, doesn't mean I have to be happy about things right now.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 21, 2017, 08:19:44 am
Hi Ladies,

I took the time to reread what everyone wrote and what I wrote lately.  I would like to thank you girls for chiming in and being awesome.  I have a terrible habit of discounting anything positive when I am upset.  You are all lovely and supportive people and I really do appreciate the kindness.  I have been much more myself the last two days.  I am still sad about recent events but that is the nature of these things sometimes. 

I had therapy yesterday and we discussed all of this and the negative thought patterns associated with it.  I still have a lot of work to do.  I am pretty terrible about doing the legwork for it (thought records and such).  I am attempting to refocus myself on being better.  My lack of impulse control really inhibits me when strong feelings are involved.  Right now neither my friend nor I need the added drama, so I am sticking by my decision to just bow out.  If she some day wishes to work through things we will have to figure things out.  For now it's just too much.

The holiday fast approaches and I have begun preparation for the feast.  Like every year my poor planning and work schedule will make this a mad dash to the finish line.  Rest assured that I will once again pull it all together at risk of life and limb.  I can't wait until my children get older and I can make them do some of the prep work.

Moni I will admit that I do fall into the trap of self fulfilling prophecies.  I do try not to, but sometimes it happens.  I really have never been an optimist.  I am significantly less of a pessimist these days though.  I'm still working and growing.  Someday I might even be considered, gasp, normal.  Sorry for being a bit of a downer lately.  The struggles are just as worthy of being shared as the successes.  Someday maybe I'll actually believe that sentiment.  Be good ladies and enjoy turkey day.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 24, 2017, 08:14:27 am
Thanksgiving is over, finally.  I am not a happy freaking camper.  I've calmed down a bit since last night.  I started to type an update then, got about half way through, and realized I should wait until morning.

The last two days have been a mad dash.  From Wednesday morning until 4:30am Thursday I was cleaning or cooking.  I had 90% of the cooking prep done by that point.  I had to work at 7am.  I managed to sleep for about 30 minutes.  Got up, took a shower, put on some light eye make-up, and off to work.  I got out of there at 4 and rushed home.  My wife had to put the turkey in while I was at work.  I get home and things are not going well.  She is exhausted (having been awake and cleaning as much as me) and the house still isn't up to spec or set up for guests.  Through Herculean effort I get everything warmed, finished, and set up by 6:45 (15 minutes late).

We had less people than expected.  Two people decided not to show, or answer their phone, which is <poor> because they were supposed to bring the rolls.  Why would you insist on bringing something if you're going to skip.  I should have just made rolls too.  Big surprise, but my father did not come over.  Heaven for I'd he be forced to walk 15 feet.  That's valuable time he could be playing video games.  He said he might not come over for the meal but would make an appearance to say hi to the grandchildren.  What a crock of <poo>.  Legitimately, I hate that man and will shed no tears when he passes.

I am extremely displeased with my wife's family.  I have been out for a good long while now.  I am sick and tired of being misgendered.  I look like a woman, I'm wearing makeup and women's clothing, I have breasts, I have a girl's name, and your daughter says wife and she.  <I don't understand> a-holes with all of the he and him <poo>.  My mother's boyfriend's 9 year old daughter is more respectful.  Sara's one grandmother insisted on bringing something, so we told her should could bring an apple pie.  She ended up bringing an apple pie, a cherry pie, and a raspberry cake.  All of which she bought at the store.  There is no shortage of desert at my table. Poached quince, apple cobbler, pumpkin apple and cherry pies, mixed berry parfait.  My children helped make the apple pie/cobbler.  She is getting all passive aggressiveness about bringing stuff and nobody eating the store bought <poo>.  Legitimately, EVERY SINGLE ITEM at my table is cooked from scratch and you try to defend the the <poo> you paid for as if it's the same kind of effort and should be appreciated the same? 

I got to sit there in my own house feeling like an outsider.  I understand that nobody in her family likes me.  They didn't really even pretransition.  I will <awful> if I am going to go through hell to prepare what is easily the best meal on the block in about 24 hours with no sleep and having to work, just to have nobody appreciate it.  I honestly don't think I'm doing it next year.  We've done this for 7 years now.  I enjoy doing despite the effort.  This year was the first year I've been pissed afterwards.  I was calm and collected until after the meal and clean up.  Then I got the chance to talk with Sara about why I seemed upset.  By the end of that I was pretty much screaming on the porch about how upsetting the whole affair is. Then I put the kids to bed and fell asleep in their room without even removing my makeup.

So here I sit this morning.  Runny and ruined eye makeup, unkempt hair, still exhausted and binge eating leftovers.  Screw Thanksgiving!  It used to be my favorite holiday.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Megan. on November 24, 2017, 08:24:20 am
So sorry hun,  that sounds like a lot of grief and pain .
Sending you a big hug. These family events can be tortuous. Regroup and recover, maybe people will appreciate it more if they don't get one next year. X

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on November 24, 2017, 10:32:00 am
Aren't family gatherings the best? (Said in the most sarcastic tone, ever.  :-X) Even in the best of circumstances dealing with holiday hosting is a nightmare.

The store bought dessert routine is just infuriating. I mean... I get it, some people can't cook and they want to contribute. But why do they always get so insulted when no one eats them? My step-mother does it, though fortunately not to me yet (she's happy to pass the food responsibility off to me when coordinating here, but when she takes stuff to other gatherings that's what happens).

For a few years now, I and my step brother were sort of abandoned while everyone else went to California for Thanksgiving. If that weren't bad enough, I get a text from my dad saying, "Sitting down to a great meal, wish you were here!", all I could think was "well, then you should have invited us...". Now to go eat more brownies, because, you know, screw it.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on November 24, 2017, 01:39:51 pm
Aren't family gatherings the best? (Said in the most sarcastic tone, ever.  :-X) Even in the best of circumstances dealing with holiday hosting is a nightmare.

The store bought dessert routine is just infuriating. I mean... I get it, some people can't cook and they want to contribute. But why do they always get so insulted when no one eats them? My step-mother does it, though fortunately not to me yet (she's happy to pass the food responsibility off to me when coordinating here, but when she takes stuff to other gatherings that's what happens).

For a few years now, I and my step brother were sort of abandoned while everyone else went to California for Thanksgiving. If that weren't bad enough, I get a text from my dad saying, "Sitting down to a great meal, wish you were here!", all I could think was "well, then you should have invited us...". Now to go eat more brownies, because, you know, screw it.

First off Roll I really can't complain about the store bought anything. Actually sometimes it is better than someone cooking. :laugh:

As for holidays, I have missed so many with family that it has become quite familiar and normal. I use the times for quiet reflection. For me it's the same with Christmas too. Usually I am surrounded by non genetic family though. But I had a good Thanksgiving but not with birth family. ??? Sometimes we do get to choose our family through ours and their choices and that makes for way more comfortable and good times than sometimes with our birth families. It will be the same for me during Christmas. I spent yesterday drinking wine and cooking with other SOs while our SOs came in and out to eat. We spent the whole day together.

Family is not restricted to genetics but rather those that accept you and love you no matter what unconditionally. I have a couple of bothers and sisters but was an only child. They come visit me regularly way more than my own family members and vice versa. For example I have a cousin that I grew up with and she and her husband and friends came to NOLA and just called me from I10 less than 20 miles away on their way to a cruise. Coming back I never heard anything from them and I let them live rent free on my land and trailer in Arkansas. My "brother" has visited me three times and has never asked for anything. So sometimes family that you are born into sux but you still have family that accept you and respect you. Susan's is a testament to this. If you would have been close to NOLA you would not have needed an invitation, just bring your butt and maybe a bottle of wine and the cheaper and the bigger the bottle the better. But I am from the south so everyone has a standing invitation. I need not to invite because if you smell something cooking then just show up with a dish to eat or something to drink. ;D

I really do love my family but aside from my mom and dad I share no genes with them but we are family nonetheless. It does suck though because a lot of genetic family will always ask, "What can you do for me?" or has been my experience anyway but real family will ask you, "What can I do to help?"

I really don't know what I am trying to say other than be yourself and be open to friendships because those friendships you forge together may be stronger than a family bond through genes.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 24, 2017, 02:15:36 pm
Screw today.  Radio silence.  Peace.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on November 24, 2017, 02:18:17 pm
Screw today.  Radio silence.  Peace.

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Are you OK?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 24, 2017, 04:45:20 pm
Are you OK?
Short answer: no.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on November 24, 2017, 07:11:25 pm
Amber,
   Dealing with emotions and mood is very difficult for some/many people. I have had my times of withdrawal and sometimes that is what is needed. I believe it is necessary sometimes. I have tried to run the middle path many times. I try my best to limit the hi highs and the lo lows. It is just a survival skill I use. You put yourself out there for this event and the idiots trampled you in very hurtful ways. I think it makes sense to back away from that vulnerability. Next time, you might do it on your terms or not at all. My partner and I have withdrawn from so many of the 'should do's' we learned growing up. We settled on doing things our way and are a lot better off for it. Screw other people's traditions. On the emotional side, I am sorry you are hurting.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 25, 2017, 10:28:06 pm
Well after a day of doing literally nothing I have calmed down somewhat.  I am still incredibly angry about the holiday.  Next year I will not be making the same mistakes.  It will be a much smaller affair and only include my wife, kids, and probably my mother and her fiance and child.  I don't need those other aholes in my life.

In true bpd fashion I am completely splitting on this people.  I don't particularly care if my extreme negative reaction is justified or healthy.  My brain has now classified them all as bad people.  Fwiw they aren't particularly a big part of my life to begin with, so it's not like this is a huge deal.

Christmas is the next big holiday.  We do not host on that day and typically go to 3 different places including my wife's parents and her grandmother's.  I told her today that I will likely not be attending this year.  It's a <poor> and selfish decision that leads to nobody being happy.  I am just sick of being forced to be unhappy myself just to assuage others.

If they want to be jerks and be upset about my existence then screw them.  I did not choose to be transgender.  I merely chose to be happy by transitioning.  If they can't or won't understand that then I have no place in my reality for them.  I was telling my coworker (she knows I am trans) about how <poor> Thanksgiving was and about the he and him stuff and she just looked at me and said, but you're a she.  If my co-workers get it and treat me with more respect and basic decency than supposed family then there is a problem.

I have just been chock full of negativity and drama lately.  This is a bit of a lie.  I have always been like this.  The only difference is that I have been sharing all of the <poo> with others.  If you look back through all of my posting you find very few negative posts and updates on the non trans related aspects.  You also would find very limited posting from me.  I am a very insular person with my thoughts.  I have been sharing more of them lately.  I'm not sure if this has been a positive or negative thing.  Sorry, I don't really have a point to all of this, mostly just rambling.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 26, 2017, 05:04:30 pm
I really dislike feeling melancholy.  Hopefully soon I start to feel like myself again.  No particular trigger for this feeling seems to pop out at me.  I just feel off and vaguely sad.

I've decided that I am not engaging with that side of the family on Christmas.  My wife sounds like she is about ready to go on the war path.  She is such a sweetheart and cares so much for me. I really wish I was better about consistently expressing how much her support means to me.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 05:17:26 pm
((((HUG))))
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on November 26, 2017, 07:26:26 pm
((((ALSO, HUG))))
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 26, 2017, 09:42:53 pm
You girls are sweet.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on November 26, 2017, 09:48:07 pm
I didn't know what to say and it looks like you could use some.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on December 08, 2017, 07:41:21 pm
It's been a while since I've posted an update, so buckle your seatbelts and prepare for rambling. 

Thanksgiving rocked me really hard.  Took me a few days to get over it.  Sadly, as I was pulling back to normal, I discussed the events at therapy and that put me right back in the hole.  This was followed almost immediately by an argument with a friend.  I was a wreck and stuck in a very bad place for about 4 days.  Not proud of it, but I survived.

It's not all bad news though.  Since then a number of positive things have happened.  I got my second therapist letter.  That frees up my schedule so much.  Now I can start figuring out when to start genital electrolysis.  Probably after tax season, so I can use the tax return as a buffer while waiting on insurance to reimburse.

We got all of our Christmas shopping done.  The kids are getting a Nintendo Switch.  We didn't think we were going to be able to swing it, but the stars and planets aligned.  So excited.  I've wanted one since I first heard about the system.  Not going to lie, when the kids visit Grandma, I have been playing Mario Odyssey.  I'll wrap it on Christmas Eve.  Wish we could have gotten more games, but for the moment, it's still awesome.

I finally got the chance to hash things out with my friend.  Things had fallen apart almost entirely.  We finally got the chance to have a serious talk about everything.  We both had a lot of misperceptions and we had stopped being honest and open.  We hashed out some boundaries and corrected a lot of the misunderstanding.  Since then things have almost returned to normal as it was before everything blew up.  I couldn't be happier.  We both promised to be brutally honest about when either of us does or says something that makes the other uncomfortable.  It's been almost a week and so far so good.  We worked together tonight and hung out on break and there wasn't any of the awkwardness that had tainted everything.

We put up the Christmas decorations.  The kids were so excited to help out.  The cat has remarkably not been at the tree very much.  The girls told me that this year we should put out healthy snacks for santa so he has energy to give all the kids presents.  Also, we are supposed to leave carrots for the reindeer.  It's so cute.

I've been thinking of going back to blonde (my natural color).  My hair just eats dye and no matter what color (or quality) I choose or precautions I take it just fades so quickly.  I surprised my coworker talking about it because she didn't realize I wasn't naturally red.  That's when I realized that I haven't had my natural color since I started that job.

Weight loss continues.  I'm down 38 pounds since July.  It still weirds me out because I am not trying at all.  Every other time in life that I wanted to lose weight it seemed like I had to work 3x harder than everyone else.  Now weight just seems to be falling off.  My brain is wired and thought about where I was and where I am and realized I lost a little over 1/8th of my weight (or 1 of my eldest daughter, as a unit of measurement).  Still have 20 more to go by August, but not very concerned at all since I have been maintaining almost 2/wk for months now.  Maybe with my schedule freeing up I will be able to find time to actually go to the gym.

Thank you to all of you lovelies who have been supportive during these past few rough patches.  I really appreciate it, even if I don't usually say it.  I hope the positive trend continues.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on December 08, 2017, 10:01:38 pm
I caught up on your thread tonight. It stuck me that your approach to the nasty relatives was very reasonable and healthy for you. Sometimes you have to do what is right for you, even if it doesn't please everyone. I also think you expressing what you are thinking is a tremendous positive. It is not good to hold everything in. I have always been one to express emotions more than, say, my family. Now that I live as my true gender, they seem to not think that is so odd anymore. Acceptable for girls, I guess. Anyway, I root for you to 'get it out.' Don't care if it is negative thoughts, although I really like hearing of the positive stuff. Glad you cleared things up with your friend.
Moni
I keep putting off dying my hair. Fear is one reason. I may try to do some hair transplants and not sure if that makes that harder. Then too it is expensive, right? I am picturing a chestnut brown to cover the dirty blond/grey mix I have now. Talk later, and yes, hugs to you.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on December 08, 2017, 11:00:55 pm
So glad you've had some positives lately!

I hope you enjoy the Switch, I've loved mine so far! Mario Odyssey was incredibly fun, I just went through it myself (it is about all that kept me sane past week and a half). Unfortunately it's still a little short on games. but what it does have is exceptional.

And a huge congrats on the continued weight loss! I'm pretty sure I've stalled out hardcore myself with the holidays. ;D
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 10:17:28 am
Hi Amber,

  I like your red hair, but you can go back to blond. Sigh  I was pleased to read that you are agin moving forward with positive thing happening for you. Congrats on the weight loss. If you figure out what you're doing to make it fall off do pass it on to the rest of us. My last weigh in at the doctor showed I gained 2 of the 8 lbs I had lost previously back and frankly that didn't surprise me as losing weight hasn't even been in my thoughts for awhile. One thing this depression hasn't affected is my appetite. Darn you'd think I could get something good from it! LOL.
  Anyway Amber I am glad that you are doing better and hope you and yours enjoy the upcoming holidays.

  Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on December 11, 2017, 04:28:04 pm
Hi Amber,

 I like your red hair, but you can go back to blond.

I don't know because with her red hair it reminds me so much of a close cousin I have Laurie. We used to play with dolls together when we were younger. We went to different schools and she would introduce me to guys because she knew everything. :embarrassed: I am going to have to call her tonight. :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on December 11, 2017, 05:01:42 pm
 
That frees up my schedule so much.  Now I can start figuring out when to start genital electrolysis.  Probably after tax season, so I can use the tax return as a buffer while waiting on insurance to reimburse.



I would not  do anything permanent with genitalia hair. Styles change. Yes Everyone seems to like a smooth trans woman down there and my BF included but... What about 2 years from now? What about 4 or 10 years from now? Most of my friends are cis women and they shave instead of the laser or electrolysis. Hell in ten years guys may shave everything and women grow hair on their legs and under their arms.

I will say this though. Shaving everyday is a bitch. I have done the laser on my chest and face and that is all. That is the only place that women don't really have to shave yet some still do. It cost a lot of money and I still have "sideburns" and stray hairs and then I pull the "Epilady" out.

This is a bad fact. Women grow hair in all the same paces that a man grow it. That kind of sux but styles change. I went from hairy pubes with the bikini line shaved in the eighties to totally shaved now or a "landing strip" and whatever happens next year that may be a style I don't know.

Just be careful of what hair you want to rid yourself of because styles change. It is not a haircut that you may have to live with for six months but permanently more or less. For an example my brows are so thing because I plucked the hell out of then and they stopped growing but now thick brows are in. I can't grow thicker brows anymore.

Look I am a trans woman and have a boyfriend and sometimes he wants me to grow out my pubes so he can shape them or shave them all off even. :embarrassed: He actually likes doing that and I can tell because.... well I ain't going to say but... :embarrassed: :embarrassed:

I don't thing at my age or even yours that hairless legs will come out of style or a hairless face and definitely not your chest but I would focus my money on those areas. And you pubic area??? That can be so sensual when you let someone else control what they like while you just sit back and relax in a tub with some wines and candles. I do but I hate when he kisses my nose. ::) I am not his daughter or his dog so don't kiss me on the nose. I just redirect him to my mouth. Sorry guys but sometimes you are just so clueless. ;D

Look. You and I can't predict the styles but I do my BF has wanted me to have all different styles down there so don't do anything permanent. In five years a full bush my be stylish. I hope not though. :embarrassed: I hope the style stays smooth or very thin at least and very short. I truly hate a full bush. :embarrassed:
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on December 12, 2017, 09:34:11 am
So apparently you don't recall that we had this conversation over 20 posts ago on this thread.  This is electrolysis of the vaginoplasty donor site nothing more.  Is this going to Happen every time it comes up?

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on December 15, 2017, 12:03:09 pm
So apparently you don't recall that we had this conversation over 20 posts ago on this thread.  This is electrolysis of the vaginoplasty donor site nothing more.  Is this going to Happen every time it comes up?

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Sorry. :embarrassed:
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on December 15, 2017, 12:07:29 pm
Sorry. :embarrassed:
It's okay, I just read that and got this weird deja vu feeling.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 14, 2018, 11:40:37 am
I plan on typing up a full update when I have time. It's been a while and i've been meaning to do it for a bit now.  The short version is things kind of suck overall and generally speaking I am not very motivated or enthused about anything.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on January 14, 2018, 01:26:19 pm
Hi Amber,

  I think most of us have felt like that at some point. Just don't let it linger for long.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 15, 2018, 10:40:46 am
Well I'm on my lunch break with nothing better to do so I guess I'll try typing up an actual post.  Not that this is a particularly popular thread there seems to be at least a handful of you who read it.  There is likely to be a more or less rambling time to this as I haven't bothered to collect my thoughts.

So Christmas happened and it sucked. It wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was incredibly lonely and isolating.  On the bright side at least the card that I got had my correct name on it.  New Year's eve was boring and I didn't do anything.  My wife worked that night until 11 and I had to be up early for work the next day anyway so I just crashed early.

I have been working almost exclusively dayshift for the past few weeks.  I don't mind the hours or the work, per se.  However it seems like there is a 50/50 chance of getting screwed over on the day.  It's so great for me when my mood gets tanked almost first thing in the morning.  Half of my co-workers in my department are complete slackers and now they are the closers every night.  So much stuff not getting done now that I used to do. It irritates the <poo> out of me.  I can't just switch off and not care like other people seem to be able to do. It's grating on me that others aren't held to the same standards.

On that note it came out that Walmart (the company I work for) will be raising their company minimum wage to $11 an hour. Unfortunately, I severely doubt there will be any sort of raise for those that make over that amount.  This means that I will be making a whopping 2.7% more than the worthless people i'm complaining about. It shouldn't get to me as bad as it does, but that thought is killing me and any drive I had left.

I have come to the realization that I have pretty much no friends anymore.  This has been a slow decay that in a few instances was exacted by my transition.  I have 2 that I can count. Each one I talk to about once every other week or so.  I don't really have the opportunity to make new ones these days either.  I'm rather reserved and have always been very selective of my friends.  I'm sick of always having to be the one to keep contact.  I'm tired of bring an afterthought.  That has been the story of my life.  I very recently decided to cull the list from 3 to 2.  It was very lopsided and I got to feel like <poo> after most interactions only to be considered the crazy demanding one.  It just doesn't seem worth it.

Home life has been pretty abysmal lately.  I honestly wish we wouldn't have had a third child.  It has added so much stress.  My wife has been pretty distant dealing with her own problems lately. The house remains a cluttered mess.  Fwiw I am part of the problem with that too, but I am at a loss for solutions and I can't fix things on my own. I've manned to get intimate alone time with my wife once over the past 3 months.  Unfortunately, I am the type of person who needs that connection.  I am rather high maintenance emotionally due to my complete lack of self esteem and my BPD.  We've talked a handful of times about things, but no solutions have come up.

I have been in a pretty good depression for a while now.  I have been tracking my mood daily for about 3 months now and there is a definitive downward trend line. Meds remain ineffective for dealing with it.  I have a check in soon, so hopefully we can add or adjust things.  Therapy had been as depressing as it had been helpful. When you deal with problems that form core parts of your identity is really hard.  In some ways I miss the old me.  He would just be angry about all the things going on.  Now there is very little anger, just a chronic melancholy.

There is likely more for me to talk about, but I am out of time for now.  Sorry to be such a downer, but that's life sometimes.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 15, 2018, 10:49:26 am
Sounds like you have your emotional plate full and then some.  I can wish that you are able to continue to deal with these issues and come to terms or at least peace with any negatives you have in your life.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on January 15, 2018, 12:58:04 pm
Well I'm on my lunch break with nothing better to do so I guess I'll try typing up an actual post.  Not that this is a particularly popular thread there seems to be at least a handful of you who read it.  There is likely to be a more or less rambling time to this as I haven't bothered to collect my thoughts.

Amber, I can promise you this: As long as you are posting, I'll be reading.

I'm so sorry that things have been so down for you again. I can barely deal with this while just doing half assed school work, I am in awe of the pure strength you and others show in tackling this issue while having kids, spouses, careers, and so forth. And you are strong, you've proven it just by being here, don't ever forget that.

I'm right there with you when it comes to friends. Friends are tough, I don't get them at all. I made light about this in another thread (Sarah_P's I think), but I genuinely don't know how to meet people, much less make friends. I see my step brother going to do stuff with his like dozen friends he hangs out with and I'm just confused about how he has those friends at a fundamental level. (And more than a little bit confused why he would want so many.)

And the wage stuff is definitely totally unfair, you have a right to be bothered by it. If you do more work at a higher quality, you should be recognized for it in a meaningful way. I could write a novel about the bad economics of that increasingly common scenario, but I won't delve fully into such a potentially volatile subject here.  :-X
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 15, 2018, 07:04:35 pm
Thanks.  I have a fan base of one.  I guess you can elect yourself president of the club.

I've struggled my whole life with depression.  It just happens to be kicking my @$$ harder than usual lately.  I'm tired of being strong.  Having a wife is easy.  Having small children is hard.  I never wanted kids in the first place.  They are cute and smart and luckily have a much happier and less tortuous life than I did.  Doesn't mean I like being a parent most of the time.

I would hardly say I have a career.  Mostly a long string of <poo>.  It's honestly my own fault anyway.  I have a degree.  Graduated magna cum laude with a dual degree in PoliSci and Economics.  Doesn't mean <poo> when there are no jobs near you.  The problem with most economic employment models is that they assume free mobility within the labor market.  I missed that window and was geographically and familialy tied down by the time I got my degree.  Honestly, I am trying to keep my income down right now anyway.  We are on medical assistance which covers trans care including GCS.  Last thing I need is to gain employment somewhere with insurance that doesn't.  Just stuck for the time being.  Doesn't mean I have to like scraping the bottom of the economic barrel.

At least in your case Ellie people seem to to find you amusing and jump in on your conversations.  You have some measure of light hearted charm (at least online).  For whatever reason I don't seem to have that.  Even online I seem to be rather unapproachable and forgettable.  It is what it is I guess.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 15, 2018, 07:30:30 pm
Thanks.  I have a fan base of one.  I guess you can elect yourself president of the club.

I've struggled my whole life with depression.  It just happens to be kicking my @$$ harder than usual lately.  I'm tired of being strong.  Having a wife is easy.  Having small children is hard.  I never wanted kids in the first place.  They are cute and smart and luckily have a much happier and less tortuous life than I did.  Doesn't mean I like being a parent most of the time.

I would hardly say I have a career.  Mostly a long string of <poo>.  It's honestly my own fault anyway.  I have a degree.  Graduated magna cum laude with a dual degree in PoliSci and Economics.  Doesn't mean <poo> when there are no jobs near you.  The problem with most economic employment models is that they assume free mobility within the labor market.  I missed that window and was geographically and familialy tied down by the time I got my degree.  Honestly, I am trying to keep my income down right now anyway.  We are on medical assistance which covers trans care including GCS.  Last thing I need is to gain employment somewhere with insurance that doesn't.  Just stuck for the time being.  Doesn't mean I have to like scraping the bottom of the economic barrel.

At least in your case Ellie people seem to to find you amusing and jump in on your conversations.  You have some measure of light hearted charm (at least online).  For whatever reason I don't seem to have that.  Even online I seem to be rather unapproachable and forgettable.  It is what it is I guess.

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Come on Amber ya gots to get some funnians going!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on January 15, 2018, 07:53:30 pm
  Hey Amber what am I chopped liver? I read your posts too. Yes I get behind in them and don't always really have something to say  but I do read them. I was here through your friend problem from your not being sure you should get more involved to the misunderstanding that cause a rift and to you and her talking it out. I care about you and am sorry that you too are dealing with depression. I have been for several months too and my holidays were difficult at Christmas due to my own issues and I was offline for over 2 days because if them. New years was a nothing for me like most holidays.
  I did miss your job change to Walmart and the pay thing is going to suck if you are not given that presidential raise that he promised the country. How anyone can view that ridiculous tax bill as good for the people of this country I cannot understand. It will hurt millions that cannot afford it now and will wind up killing many of the poor and the elderly. Which I really think is the plan.
  Dang it! there I go again. (Climbs down off the soapbox)  Anyway Amber I hope you are wrong and you do get a raise too.
   I am here  for you also Amber.

(((Hug)))
  Laurie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 15, 2018, 08:00:20 pm
And while you may think no one notices, over 2200 people have read your thread and I think I'm #76 as far as comments go.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 16, 2018, 08:12:54 am
Okay so we can add a vice president and a treasurer to the club .  Already 1 more than real life.  I did not forget about you Laurie, I just neglected to count you in my post.  Bring the only member from this forum I have actually meet in person you have a leg up on the rest.

I about most discussions with people about public policy.  Most people are not open to having a reasoned discussion of issues so I just about the headache.  Same thing with economics. The issues are so nuanced and most  people don't understand much more than supply and demand (usually incorrectly) that I would literally have to climb up on my box of pedagogy and start teaching.  This is not to mention the cult of free market that exists within this country.  I love the free market, but accept that there are flawed with unfetered capitalism, also that we do not exist within a purely free market anyway.

As for my friend, it's really not worth trying to work things out.  I've been there and tried that a few times now, but it's too lopsided and the other party is not keeping me in the loop despite me repeatedly asking her to over the past few months.  Sucks, but not much to be done about it.

From what I understand after a brief chat with a manager today is that no there is not going to be any increase for everyone else beyond the yearly sort.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 16, 2018, 04:48:10 pm
Uh...ah...hum, what about me? If Laurie is chopped liver, am I the onions? Sizzle sizzle. I disappear when you disappear Amber, my friend. No postee, no respondee! lol
Enough of my foolishness, I'm sorry you are so bummed out. You are right, having kids is tough stuff especially when they are young. Walmart owners just got a buzzillion dollar give away, budget busting, unnecessary tax break. They can afford to step up for some incentive for their employees. I see the workers and the slackers at my job too. It is frustrating as hell. I do the best I can and try not to get caught up in others shenanigans. It is demoralizing though, I agree.
I am not a natural friend maker either. I tend to be shy and have to fight that. I can talk about personal, deep stuff with people but am horrible at chit chat. So, don't feel alone. It is very rare to find people who can talk about themselves and then give equal time to what you have to say. I hate when people filibuster. Let's face it, people can be aggravating. Right?
Hugs, Girl.
Moni
Oh, if you have all the officers of this club, I'll be the riotous mob of supporters. Where's my pitchfork?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 16, 2018, 04:50:21 pm
Uh...ah...hum, what about me? If Laurie is chopped liver, am I the onions? Sizzle sizzle. I disappear when you disappear Amber, my friend. No postee, no respondee! lol
Enough of my foolishness, I'm sorry you are so bummed out. You are right, having kids is tough stuff especially when they are young. Walmart owners just got a buzzillion dollar give away, budget busting, unnecessary tax break. They can afford to step up for some incentive for their employees. I see the workers and the slackers at my job too. It is frustrating as hell. I do the best I can and try not to get caught up in others shenanigans. It is demoralizing though, I agree.
I am not a natural friend maker either. I tend to be shy and have to fight that. I can talk about personal, deep stuff with people but am horrible at chit chat. So, don't feel alone. It is very rare to find people who can talk about themselves and then give equal time to what you have to say. I hate when people filibuster. Let's face it, people can be aggravating. Right?
Hugs, Girl.
Moni
Oh, if you have all the officers of this club, I'll be the riotous mob of supporters. Where's my pitchfork?

I kinda see Moni as more of a torch type person and not a pitch fork one!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 16, 2018, 04:57:54 pm
Gosh Cali, can't a girl aspire? Well, I'll carry a torch for Amber!  ;D
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 16, 2018, 05:09:56 pm
Gosh Cali, can't a girl aspire? Well, I'll carry a torch for Amber!  ;D

Excellent young lady!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 17, 2018, 11:28:57 am
Uh...ah...hum, what about me? If Laurie is chopped liver, am I the onions? Sizzle sizzle. I disappear when you disappear Amber, my friend. No postee, no respondee! lol

Oh, if you have all the officers of this club, I'll be the riotous mob of supporters. Where's my pitchfork?

I wasn't aware that you were my shadow Moni.  Do I need to sew you back on like in Peter Pan?  I don't post often because it usually doesn't seem like I have much to say other than just generalized bitching.  Also, I don't think we have a secretary for the club yet.  I don't recommend a pitchfork, with the weather lately I recommend a snow shovel.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on January 17, 2018, 11:34:04 am
I wasn't aware that you were my shadow Moni.  Do I need to sew you back on like in Peter Pan?  I don't post often because it usually doesn't seem like I have much to say other than just generalized bitching.  Also, I don't think we have a secretary for the club yet.  I don't recommend a pitchfork, with the weather lately I recommend a snow shovel.

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As President of the Fan Club I declare this to be so under the guidance of She-Who-Watches-Over-Us. All members shall be henceforth required to carry snow shovels to show their devotion.


... Wait, am I confusing fan clubs with cults again? Either way, you're taking us away to paradise on a spaceship hiding behind the moon, right?!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 17, 2018, 01:12:43 pm
As President of the Fan Club I declare this to be so under the guidance of She-Who-Watches-Over-Us. All members shall be henceforth required to carry snow shovels to show their devotion.


... Wait, am I confusing fan clubs with cults again? Either way, you're taking us away to paradise on a spaceship hiding behind the moon, right?!
It looks like Ellie as leader of this cult has already partaken in some of the kool-aid.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 17, 2018, 01:14:10 pm
It looks like Ellie as leader of this cult has already partaken in some of the kool-aid.

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Wrong Cult(s) :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on January 17, 2018, 03:17:19 pm
It looks like Ellie as leader of this cult has already partaken in some of the kool-aid.

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I was going to bring it to the meeting, but I was thirsty and I like to drink things that are bright red just as a general rule. Now I feel funny.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 17, 2018, 04:57:35 pm
I was going to bring it to the meeting, but I was thirsty and I like to drink things that are bright red just as a general rule. Now I feel funny.

I quit drinking sodas and drink Crystal Light.  Originally the Pink Lemonade but daughter likes the fruit punch so we've been doing that.  Leaves a dark bright glow on my lips and tongue :P)

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 17, 2018, 05:24:24 pm
I wasn't aware that you were my shadow Moni.  Do I need to sew you back on like in Peter Pan?  I don't post often because it usually doesn't seem like I have much to say other than just generalized bitching.  Also, I don't think we have a secretary for the club yet.  I don't recommend a pitchfork, with the weather lately I recommend a snow shovel.

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   Yes, I follow you Amber! Do you feel me staring at you now? As for generalized bitching, I prefer specific bitching but I am just a single member of the snow shovel carrying horde, and ya gotta go along to get along. I do like the snow shovel idea. It explains why I spent all morning shoveling with my pitchfork and I still have snow there.
   I am excited to be thought of the as a secretary. It feeds into my stereotypical longings from my female binary brain. Can I get the coffee as well as make the cool aide? Why did Darren Stevens and Jim Jones just pop into my mind? lol
Moni 
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 17, 2018, 05:30:58 pm
   Yes, I follow you Amber! Do you feel me staring at you now? As for generalized bitching, I prefer specific bitching but I am just a single member of the snow shovel carrying horde, and ya gotta go along to get along. I do like the snow shovel idea. It explains why I spent all morning shoveling with my pitchfork and I still have snow there.
   I am excited to be thought of the as a secretary. It feeds into my stereotypical longings from my female binary brain. Can I get the coffee as well as make the cool aide? Why did Darren Stevens and Jim Jones just pop into my mind? lol
Moni

Probably because you're suppose to be carrying a torch, not a pitchfork......
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 17, 2018, 05:31:18 pm


Why did Darren Stevens and Jim Jones just pop into my mind? lol

This thread is becoming some bizarre mix of nick-at-nite and tragedy.  I swear must be how L. Ron Hubbard came up with Scientology.  Perhaps with a little more generic-brand imitation fruit drink.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 17, 2018, 05:57:51 pm
Hope you don't mind Amber. We can mix in a smile or two with the tragedy, can't we?  Now how do I carry a torch and a snow shovel and drink the  cool aide?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 17, 2018, 06:02:47 pm
Hope you don't mind Amber. We can mix in a smile or two with the tragedy, can't we?  Now how do I carry a torch and a snow shovel and drink the  cool aide?
Drink first, (or get one of those beer helmets with the straw), then light the non-shovelly end of the shovel on fire.  Then you have both in 1.  It's like a Swiss army knife of rioting.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 17, 2018, 08:01:17 pm
Drink first, (or get one of those beer helmets with the straw), then light the non-shovelly end of the shovel on fire.  Then you have both in 1.  It's like a Swiss army knife of rioting.

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OMG this is why you are our fearless leader (or learless feeder). Pure genius. All hail the Amber Waves or as the Amber waves. L Ron would have a tear in his eye. lol
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 17, 2018, 08:14:21 pm
OMG this is why you are our fearless leader (or learless feeder). Pure genius. All hail the Amber Waves or as the Amber waves. L Ron would have a tear in his eye. lol

OMG, no one has watched that Daniel Ratcliff movie of the same name?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on January 17, 2018, 11:58:36 pm
Oh my, I miss one day and Amber's thread gets taken over by strange obsessions with space ships, cultists, pitch fork bearing secretaries shoveling snow whilst burning amber as everyone drinks that awful tasting Crystal Light fruit punch imitation Kool aid. Have you all gone loona? moonie? bilunar? oh heck have y'all gone nuts? Am I the only sane one left? Now hold still Minieca... what's that? oh this? no no it only looks like a butterfly net.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 18, 2018, 11:50:52 am
Oh my, I miss one day and Amber's thread gets taken over by strange obsessions with space ships, cultists, pitch fork bearing secretaries shoveling snow whilst burning amber as everyone drinks that awful tasting Crystal Light fruit punch imitation Kool aid. Have you all gone loona? moonie? bilunar? oh heck have y'all gone nuts? Am I the only sane one left? Now hold still Minieca... what's that? oh this? no no it only looks like a butterfly net.

We all like to keep you busy Sis!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 18, 2018, 04:49:44 pm
Whelp screw today.  I feel like all day has been as if I was a salmon swimming upstream, except they actually make progress.  I guess I was just the one that got caught in the grizzly bear's mouth.  I'm done trying and I am going to bed (even though it is only 5:30).  Today will be over then, and even if I can't fall asleep I will just lay here and sulk until it happens.  I was starting to feel a bit better over the last 2 days. Thank you ladies for helping with that.  Now I am right back in the pisser.  I am done being nice and I am done trying to give a spit about pretty much everything.  Turns out I'm just a miserable bitch at heart.  Not my fault I was irreparable broken in my early years.  I cobbled together a facsimile of a life from the flotsam and I guess I'll just have to learn to be content with the rotting scraps life gives me.  Sorry for bringing anyone down.  All of you should have just not bothered to get involved with me or this thread the second you read the words borderline personality disorder.  It sucks to have it and it sucks to associate with anyone who does.  Everyone does not need to worry, I am not suicidal or about to do anything impulsively stupid.  Though I will admit that self harm is rather appealing atm (not going to do that either).  Sucks to suck and not everyone gets to have a charmed, or even reasonably adequate, life.  I'm done venting for a while.  Signing off for a while.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 18, 2018, 05:09:46 pm
Sorry you are feeling so bad Amber. If you don't mind, I'll stick with you though. Get some sleep.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 20, 2018, 09:24:39 pm
Well since I have been nothing but a downer lately I shall post about some positive stuff.

I said fudge it to housework yesterday.  I lazed about and painted my nails and engaged in some much neglected body hair removal.  With the winter I have been terrible about keeping up with that sort of thing.  While hormones have reduced body hair a good bit particularly I find that I still can generate quite an annoying amount of stomach/chest hair.  It is much lighter and thinner, but still there and noticeable.  Luckily back hair and the dark you're arm hair is a thing of the past.

I wasn't feeling particularly sociable, but I had agreed to go with my wife to a small get together of ladies last night.  It was fun and nice to see some of the people there that I haven't seen much since I left my old job.  It was also nice to have an evening together with my wife and zero kids that didn't involve one of us working. I also got a compliment on my makeup and that always is nice.

My breasts are annoyingly sensitive and going through another growth spurt.  I've been on hormones for around 18 months now.  I've had decent development over that time and it's still going.  I merely put this out there for those ladies that start later (35 in my case) that age is not really the best indicator of development.  Given that all the women in my family are quite buxom I expected decent growth.  It can be rather annoying sometimes though.  It's very unladylike to stop to scratch a very itchy nipple.

I went to the thrift shop to pick up some new pants for work.  I was pleased to fit into a size 14 pants.  Not bad since I started at a size 18/20.  Unfortunately, I still have a terrible time with tops due to my large shoulders.  Despite losing weight, non of it has come off the shoulders/upper arms.  I've lost most of my stomach and love handles and have a nice curvy look, but I'm still a bit top heavy.

I am going to go back to red for the hair.  I don't mind being blonde, but it makes it harder to hide the hairline problems.  My hair receded over the years at the temples.  I can hide it really well with bangs, but the lighter blonde shade makes it much more finicky.  A shift in my bangs or pulling a pony tail too tight makes it much more obvious.  Red hair suits me well and it still surprises people to hear that it's not my natural color.

See not everything is doom and gloom.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on January 20, 2018, 09:52:04 pm
Glad to hear you are looking at positives! :)

I can't wait until I'm as far along in hrt as you are, I really hate waiting for even the beginning changes. ;D
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 21, 2018, 06:11:20 am
Good fer ya Sweetie!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 21, 2018, 08:20:28 am


I can't wait until I'm as far along in hrt as you are, I really hate waiting for even the beginning changes. ;D

Try not to sweat it.  You'll get there.  One day you'll be like holy <poo> it's been a year.  Honestly, the first few months seem to take forever partly because you are trying to get T down and fiddling with dosages every 3 months or so.  I saw some decent early changes, but even then it was probably close to 4-5 months until I started really see changes (at least under my heavy scrutiny) and feel much better.  Then again my E was <poo> at the 3 month mark.  I want to say it was only at 25.  Though my T was down to like 200  so substantially less than baseline.

I guess the moral of the story is don't sweat it and enjoy the ride.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 22, 2018, 01:13:53 pm
Whelp for the second time in less than a week I was too late for an appointment and had to reschedule after showing up.  Screw this adulting thing.  Time management and I are not on speaking terms right now.  Nevermind the fact that it takes pretty much 20 minutes to get from any parking spot to where I need to go.  I shouldn't have to leave my house an hour early just to go one town over for an appointment.  Really irritated and angry right now.  I have another appointment in the same place (therapist)  in an hour.  This is going to be a fun session now that my mood is already tanked.  Geez why should I expect to have more than 2 good days in a row.  FML

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on January 22, 2018, 01:19:38 pm
Whelp for the second time in less than a week I was too late for an appointment and had to reschedule after showing up.  Screw this adulting thing.  Time management and I are not on speaking terms right now.  Nevermind the fact that it takes pretty much 20 minutes to get from any parking spot to where I need to go.  I shouldn't have to leave my house an hour early just to go one town over for an appointment.  Really irritated and angry right now.  I have another appointment in the same place (therapist)  in an hour.  This is going to be a fun session now that my mood is already tanked.  Geez why should I expect to have more than 2 good days in a row.  FML

Have you tried doing telemed? I know it's not for everyone, but I've benefited greatly from it time wise even if it was mostly a logistics issue in terms of access I started with it. For in person stuff I always have to be ready hours early to make it anywhere on time, which is impractical to say the least (I also have to go the equivalent of a town over since I have to leave island and go to main land for doctors), and that isn't even with doing makeup and stuff since I don't present in public yet. Telemed gives me breathing room to get ready girl mode without killing myself doing so.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 22, 2018, 01:28:40 pm
Have you tried doing telemed? I know it's not for everyone, but I've benefited greatly from it time wise even if it was mostly a logistics issue in terms of access I started with it. For in person stuff I always have to be ready hours early to make it anywhere on time, which is impractical to say the least (I also have to go the equivalent of a town over since I have to leave island and go to main land for doctors), and that isn't even with doing makeup and stuff since I don't present in public yet. Telemed gives me breathing room to get ready girl mode without killing myself doing so.
Pretty sure I would still find a way to be late.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 22, 2018, 01:30:33 pm
Have you tried doing telemed? I know it's not for everyone, but I've benefited greatly from it time wise even if it was mostly a logistics issue in terms of access I started with it. For in person stuff I always have to be ready hours early to make it anywhere on time, which is impractical to say the least (I also have to go the equivalent of a town over since I have to leave island and go to main land for doctors), and that isn't even with doing makeup and stuff since I don't present in public yet. Telemed gives me breathing room to get ready girl mode without killing myself doing so.

" since I have to leave island and go to main land for doctors"  Is that you Mary Ann?  Where's Gilligan.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 22, 2018, 03:28:52 pm
Decidedly I wish I could give up.  I can't and have never known how to, but damn do I wish I could.  It takes so much much effort to ignore/beat back the cycle of negative thoughts on a daily basis, it's amazing I have energy for anything else.  Fun thing is that I suffer in silence to almost all the rest of the world.  I do share some of my pain and struggles with you girls.  Even though it makes me feel like I am just being whiney. While everyone can see when I'm in a bad mood, they are clueless as to why or the depths it reaches.  The level of negativity in my brain (particularly with regards to myself) is astronomically abnormal that it is almost incomprehensible to neurotypicals that someone could even function, let alone try to understand the inner workings of it.  It makes me sad that I had to end that friendship recently.  She too suffers from "quiet" bpd.  There was an understanding there.  Too bad it also led to us inadvertantly hurting each other far too often.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on January 22, 2018, 04:15:06 pm
  Hi Amber,

  Venting isn't whining. I am usually a bit early for my appointments but I do n't leave must margin for travel in getting there. Then I also seem to suffer from sometimers. Like going to a therapy appointment an hour early because I put it in my phone wrong. Or the other day being late for my facial torture because I thought it was a half and hour later than it was. I have checked it the night before. Really I have started questioning myself recently. I think my typos are more than just not knowing how to type properly because I find completely different words on the screen from what I thought I was typing. Anyway  time can be challenging for some of us. You are not alone there.
  Negativity, yep that is me. Been told I was too many times to count and that's when I am feeling okay or thought I was. I'm a natural born pessimist. And if you want negativity just look back over the last several month of posts in my thread. Fortunately the pills have started working in earnest. They are helping keep those dark thoughts at bay. Iam afraid to say I am feeling pretty much normal again.
  Life can be difficult as you know Amber. We needs must keep plodding foward until we can feel thar spring in our steps again and then we can dance.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 22, 2018, 05:21:14 pm
As far as having to be somewhere at a certain time, from day one as far back as I can remember, I was always told, NEVER BE LATE.  If it was work, I was always 10 minutes early and gods forbid I was a minute late - it took me hours to get over that.

Now I don't have to be anymore and haven't experienced that late feeling except when thinking about my doctor appointments, lol.  Come to mind I was actually an hour early for my first HRT appointment, lol.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 22, 2018, 05:39:46 pm
Yeah is mostly the ADHD that contributes the most to being late.  That and me just really being terrible at allotting any sort of buffer time for stuff like traffic.

I fail to see the point in optimism at the moment.  Laurie, I do consider it whining.  I don't add anything constructive, nor am I really seeking support.  I am casting my negativity to the ether.  Anything positive suggested or brought up is very likely to be discarded offhand.  I can't take compliments and my twisted brain will either find a reason not act on or accept advice, or it'll just twist things around to make me feel worse because I can't do something "simple" or "like a normal" person.  I'm not really trying to be a pissant about it.  This is just the sad reality of how my brain operates.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 22, 2018, 06:39:55 pm
Who you kidding Amber, there are no normal people. I think it is just a struggle to be the best us we can be. Screw the comparisons to normal people. I know you are frustrated and know nothing I say may help you, I just hope you can vent, feel a little better and then secretly keep hope alive for things to get better.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 22, 2018, 08:08:37 pm
I know you are frustrated and know nothing I say may help you

This right here.  This is the reason I go silent and bottle things up. This is the reason I don't vent and share.  This is the inevitable outcome.  Other people care, but I am a s#'÷ and there is zero way to help me.  So all I do I make others upset because they care but can't help.  Which makes me feel like <poo> because I know that's a really <poor> and unfair thing to do to someone.  This is a part of the torture I've put my wife through for years.  Thank you for caring, but I'm going to shut up for a while.  I really dislike being me sometimes.  This just happens to be one of those times.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 22, 2018, 08:16:43 pm
This right here.  This is the reason I go silent and bottle things up. This is the reason I don't vent and share.  This is the inevitable outcome.  Other people care, but I am a s#'÷ and there is zero way to help me.  So all I do I make others upset because they care but can't help.  Which makes me feel like <poo> because I know that's a really <poor> and unfair thing to do to someone.  This is a part of the torture I've put my wife through for years.  Thank you for caring, but I'm going to shut up for a while.  I really dislike being me sometimes.  This just happens to be one of those times.

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I have to play the devil's advocate not saying Moni is the devil but I have one question for you and you don't even have to answer it.

I read an earlier comment of your's and while I thought of saying something, I felt it better to just let you vent.  I feel that Moni was reaching out to you at least in the sense of letting you know that she had read your comment(s) and felt for you and by saying something wanted to let you know that she cared.

Question is:  Would you rather have people view your comment(s) and not say anything, or welcome what they may say? 

I think my first time in typing anything in this thread was to let you know that your thread had been read, remember?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Sharon Anne McC on January 22, 2018, 08:28:11 pm
*
Amberwaves:

Thank you for your thread sharing your transition experiences.

Thank you others for adding to this good read.

Allow my comments that bookend to your post.

You transition at your pace.  If you feel the need to move quickly, then do so.  If you feel the need to move cautiously, then do so.  It is your personal journey, a marathon in which you decide your finish line.

You wrote that you need bottom surgery.  There are many excellent surgeons world-wide.  It is never too soon to begin corresponding with prospective surgeons.  Some may have a waiting list of two to three years for their initial consultation and another two to three years for surgery date.

Nearly all surgeons require complete electrolysis at your site for bottom surgery.  That may not be necessary.

As the saying goes here:  YMMV.  I had a very hairy body.  Hormones cleared that all away; I haven't shaved since the 1980s.  You may not require electrolysis if hormones will do likewise for you.

Now to the other bookend.

You got it - 'enjoy the ride' - it will go fast enough.

I celebrated my 40th anniversary of my enrollment in Stanford University's 'Gender Dysphoria' program last December.  I still am amazed how time flies.  Through both my transition period and since my full-time, I counted the days, then the weeks, then the months, then the years.  Now I count decades.

Please take your time to smell your roses.  Savor each moment - good, bad, indifferent - they will be your memories for life.  The lucky transitioners have family and friends with them.

I wish you all the best.

*
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 22, 2018, 08:40:00 pm


I feel that Moni was reaching out to you at least in the sense of letting you know that she had read your comment(s) and felt for you and by saying something wanted to let you know that she cared.

Question is:  Would you rather have people view your comment(s) and not say anything, or welcome what they may say? 


I agree with your assessment.

Also that is an excellent question. It also happens to be one without a good answer. 

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 22, 2018, 09:10:49 pm
This right here.  This is the reason I go silent and bottle things up. This is the reason I don't vent and share.  This is the inevitable outcome.  Other people care, but I am a s#'÷ and there is zero way to help me.  So all I do I make others upset because they care but can't help.  Which makes me feel like <poo> because I know that's a really <poor> and unfair thing to do to someone.  This is a part of the torture I've put my wife through for years.  Thank you for caring, but I'm going to shut up for a while.  I really dislike being me sometimes.  This just happens to be one of those times.

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Amber,
   I respect your need to back away. You don't make me upset in any way. Come back when you are ready.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 23, 2018, 09:54:20 am
Sorry I need to just learn to keep things to myself.  I'll probably be posting again in a few days.  Even if I'm not posting, I'm popping in and reading about all the goings on of everyone.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 23, 2018, 11:50:33 am
I would be sad if you felt you couldn't share. At your pace Girl, at your pace!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 23, 2018, 12:43:33 pm
I would be sad if you felt you couldn't share. At your pace Girl, at your pace!


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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on January 23, 2018, 01:57:06 pm


Your homework is to smile like that in real life too.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 24, 2018, 04:50:02 am
Your homework is to smile like that in real life too.
Aww teach, I hate homework.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 24, 2018, 09:26:30 pm
My transgender dog ate my homework.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 24, 2018, 09:56:38 pm
My transgender dog ate my homework.

You talking about the one who's a cat inside?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 25, 2018, 08:09:04 pm
Okay, so I guess I completed my homework today.  I had a therapy session today and I got to talking about my children and she pointed out that I was smiling as I talked about them.  It's such a fun thing to go from extremely depressed to normal and back again all the time, sometimes even multiple times in the same day.  Those foul moods never last more than a couple days contiguously.  Unfortunately, my emotions can be like out of This is Spinal Tap.  "Yeah, but ours go to eleven!"

All in all today was a decent day, despite some annoyances.  I had to drive down for more electrolysis this morning.  Three hours of boredom left with my own thoughts.  I did manage to observe something interesting because of the isolation though.  I started off around 5:30 and stopped around 6 for breakfast, coffee, and gas. At that time I popped my Adderall and started off on the highway.  From the beginning of my drive at the butt crack of dawn I had been plagued by the lull of unwanted negative thoughts.  So as I drove I was mulling things over and over.  Around 7ish I noticed that the frequency/intensity of the randomly negative thoughts was diminished to a dull background noise in my head.  This coincides nicely with the onset time of the medication.

I had been wondering and somewhat upset that it hadn't done much to reduce the clutter in my brain, or so I thought.  Turns out that it does have an effect, but it's subtle and typically there is too much else going on for me to notice.  It also varies in how effectively it dulls the thoughts so it indicates that I may not be at the correct dosage yet.  Luckily my 3 month follow up is tomorrow morning so I have some new data to bring up.

Getting zapped wasn't bad.  The time passes very quickly because we talk the entire session.  The subject matter weaves all over the place as good conversation tends to do.  I got a nice compliment on my eye makeup.  I love the pallette I bought my wife for Christmas.  The colors are so vibrant.  Apparently, a tired, uncaffienated me can still do a good job.  I joked that it's a little amusing that my wife is the one who will be going to cosmetology school, but I am better with makeup than her.

All these feminine/womanly things I just took to like a fish.  I picked up makeup quickly and easily.  Having long nails and still being able to do things came naturally.  Walking in heels took pretty much no adjustment.  It really does feel like a cruel prank was played on me for my first 35 years.

While I was there I saw a few other transwomen.  I didn't really have the time or inclination to interact with any of them beyond a few short exchanges.  There is a dearth of transgender individuals in the area I live, so my interactions with them have been very limited.  Actually, being around a few for once was a very interesting experience.  Except for all the scruff on my face, due to not shaving for a few days, i finally starting to realize how lucky I have been with my results in transition.  I am always so self-conscious of my flaws.  I really have no need to be. 

I don't think it ever really sunk in how passable I am.  Even at my very first session of electrolysis the technician commented that she was very surprised that I was her patient because she thought I was a cis-woman.  Now that I am slimming down substantially I also see that I more attractive than a lot of the women I encounter daily.  <I don't understand>, mind=blown!  For whatever reason my brain decided that it wants to ignore all the homely ladies and transwomen that struggle to pass and try to compare myself to the insanely lucky ones who could be models.  Bad brain!  Stop making me feel bad!

I have seen plenty of the photos of many of you ladies here and on <another forum> and a few other places.  I never stopped to think about how the camera loves some people and the quality of the photos are much higher.  In my case the camera has never seemed to like me much and does not do me justice compared to reality.  So like everything else, it seems, my perception of reality is incredibly skewed.  Sorry if this all seems kind of bragging.  I am not trying to, but it's so peculiar to me to reconcile all this that I am just throwing it out there as my experience.

I would like to thank all of you fine people who have been so supportive.  I know that I am extremely difficult sometimes and nothing anyone can say send to help.  I am trying to get better.  It's just so frickin hard to change when these negative patterns have intertwined themselves into the very fabric of your being.  I'll get there eventually, probably kicking and screaming the whole way.  I do appreciate all the support, even if I don't seem like it at the time.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 25, 2018, 09:05:36 pm
Good to hear you sounding so positive. I don't think anyone is giving up on you.  :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on January 25, 2018, 09:09:49 pm
This is going to be great for the next fan club/cult newsletter!

Also, I know what you mean about cameras. I look in the mirror and am fine when I'm dressed. I try to take a selfie, it just... ugh. Occasionally I'll get one I like okay like my profile pic, but most just aren't what I look like at all, and it's frustrating.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 25, 2018, 10:52:00 pm


I don't think anyone is giving up on you.  :)

They better not be, if anyone is going to give up on me it's gonna be me gosh darn it!  I am way to competitive to let someone else win

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 25, 2018, 11:04:46 pm
 :icon_archery: :icon_archery: :icon_archery: :icon_archery: :icon_archery: :icon_birthday: :icon_bumdance-nerd: :icon_bumdance-nerd: :icon_bumdance-nerd: :icon_bumdance-nerd: :icon_joy: :icon_joy: :icon_joy: :icon_joy:
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on January 25, 2018, 11:34:41 pm
Hi Amber,

  I was glad to read your update. Like your morning it started off a bit rocky but got better as it went along. The part of your looks comes as no surprise to me. I was impressed by then when I met you it was not apparent to me then that you are trans. I can only assume you look better now.
  I cannot read all the posts I want to in a day especially when I have appointments so I miss some of your posts but I do read them when I do get to your thread. I am not being chased away by your moods so you might as well quit trying. I'm not going anywhere.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 26, 2018, 09:42:04 am


The part of your looks comes as no surprise to me. I was impressed by then when I met you it was not apparent to me then that you are trans. I can only assume you look better now.

Thank you Laurie.  It's nice to have someone back me up on a statement like that.  I dunno it just seems so arrogant and like braggadocio.  My brain just doesn't want to accept it most of the time.  In part it's because I started at 35 and the only ones who get that level of results it seems are the ones who start in their teens/early 20's.  I don't really put any effort into presentation or mannerisms, but seem to be just fine.  I don't even wear makeup most days and no one bats an eye.  It just seems very unfair for others who struggle.  My dysphoria was super mega bad because it's always been overshadowed by my other mental problems, but I see women who struggle so much with it despite possibly never passing.  I dunno, my brain just doesn't seem to accept good things happening for me I guess.

I do look significantly better since you visited all those months ago.  Dropped about 40 pounds to reveal a nice curvy figure.  Added another cup size or so.  Continued subtle changes to the face and some work towards hair removal.  Some new clothes and just more at ease about myself in general.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on January 26, 2018, 10:33:38 am

 my brain just doesn't seem to accept good things _______ me.

I do look significantly better since you visited all those months ago.  Dropped about 40 pounds to reveal a nice curvy figure.  Added another cup size or so.  Continued subtle changes to the face and some work towards hair removal.  Some new clothes and just more at ease about myself in general.


  Hi again,
 
  I shortened up the first line above to make it a bit more encompassing for me. You can fill in the blank with a lot of words, such as  about, within, because of, happening to, well you get the idea. The first two are my personal favorites I have to contend with. And the third one is really difficult too. So I do understand what you are saying, Amber. But, you know something, others that we interact with can easily see things we cannot. Sometimes we just have to take their word for it and continue on. In time maybe, we can come to believe what they see ourselves.
  I don't doubt you look better now Amber. 40 lbs is a significant amount to shed. Curves are nice and ctothes definitely help especially when going outside. I wish I could say that about myself but I have figured out wishing won't make it happen especially since I have this love affair going on with food. You aren't the only one with changes though. I doubt I'll ever be  blessed with bazooms the size I'd like to see, but I have added enough to be happy enough with them.

 Perhaps we'll meet again and we can compare the changes in person.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on January 26, 2018, 12:53:10 pm

Thank you Laurie.  It's nice to have someone back me up on a statement like that.  I dunno it just seems so arrogant and like braggadocio.  My brain just doesn't want to accept it most of the time.  In part it's because I started at 35 and the only ones who get that level of results it seems are the ones who start in their teens/early 20's.  I don't really put any effort into presentation or mannerisms, but seem to be just fine.  I don't even wear makeup most days and no one bats an eye.  It just seems very unfair for others who struggle.  My dysphoria was super mega bad because it's always been overshadowed by my other mental problems, but I see women who struggle so much with it despite possibly never passing.  I dunno, my brain just doesn't seem to accept good things happening for me I guess.

I do look significantly better since you visited all those months ago.  Dropped about 40 pounds to reveal a nice curvy figure.  Added another cup size or so.  Continued subtle changes to the face and some work towards hair removal.  Some new clothes and just more at ease about myself in general.

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Also starting at 35, you definitely gave me hope!

When I started posting here I paid extra attention to the people around mid 30s transitioning since it is seemingly an underrepresented demographic everywhere. You really have made a difference to me!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 26, 2018, 02:14:50 pm


Also starting at 35, you definitely gave me hope!

When I started posting here I paid extra attention to the people around mid 30s transitioning since it is seemingly an underrepresented demographic everywhere. You really have made a difference to me!

It does seem a little under represented these days.  When I first joined the forum about 2 years ago there were a few of us in that mid 30s range.  I am friends with a few of them on Facebook or keep in touch via email.  Haven't seen any of them post here for a few months now.  I think a big problem for this age group is we typically have so much life going on.  Prime demographic for lots of work/career, family raising, and still a possible social life for the child-free ones.  Plus we don't seem as a group to be nearly as attached to our phones.

There is way too much of that omg 30's its too late mentality around.  True we don't as a group seem to get as good results as the early transitioned, but we seem to on average do better than the 50's and up crowd.  I will readily admit the one girl I'm friends with who is my age and started hrt like 2 months before me is way prettier than I and easily passable since she got a trach shave.  A part of it too is just all the life risk involved in transition at this stage for so many.

I'm glad I can be an inspiration to you!  I never got to be a role model before.  Judging from your photos you'll be fine.  I really should mock up something for the before and after thread.  I just don't like photos.  If you search my post history you can find a photo of me presenting femme pre hrt by a few months and a couple photos at various intervals.  I believe the last photo I have done was back in October.  I haven't changed much since that one other than about 10 pounds and a bit bigger boobs, but I had a slightly padded bra on in the October photo so it's not like you would notice that anyway.  I started hormones 9 days after my 35th birthday so it's pretty easy to remember how long I've been on them .

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 26, 2018, 06:49:51 pm

It does seem a little under represented these days.  When I first joined the forum about 2 years ago there were a few of us in that mid 30s range.  I am friends with a few of them on Facebook or keep in touch via email.  Haven't seen any of them post here for a few months now.  I think a big problem for this age group is we typically have so much life going on.  Prime demographic for lots of work/career, family raising, and still a possible social life for the child-free ones.  Plus we don't seem as a group to be nearly as attached to our phones.

There is way too much of that omg 30's its too late mentality around.  True we don't as a group seem to get as good results as the early transitioned, but we seem to on average do better than the 50's and up crowd.  I will readily admit the one girl I'm friends with who is my age and started hrt like 2 months before me is way prettier than I and easily passable since she got a trach shave.  A part of it too is just all the life risk involved in transition at this stage for so many.

I'm glad I can be an inspiration to you!  I never got to be a role model before.  Judging from your photos you'll be fine.  I really should mock up something for the before and after thread.  I just don't like photos.  If you search my post history you can find a photo of me presenting femme pre hrt by a few months and a couple photos at various intervals.  I believe the last photo I have done was back in October.  I haven't changed much since that one other than about 10 pounds and a bit bigger boobs, but I had a slightly padded bra on in the October photo so it's not like you would notice that anyway.  I started hormones 9 days after my 35th birthday so it's pretty easy to remember how long I've been on them .

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Okay, all us over the hill lavender mob girls are lighting torches as I type Amber!. 
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 26, 2018, 07:10:30 pm
Okay, all us over the hill lavender mob girls are lighting torches as I type Amber!.
I don't believe that terribly inflammatory.  I never said that older ladies don't get results from hormones or that they don't look feminine or that they couldn't pass or anything terribly negative.  Merely an observation of the averages.  There will always be statistical outliers too.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 26, 2018, 07:12:01 pm
I don't believe that terribly inflammatory.  I never said that older ladies don't get results from hormones or that they don't look feminine or that they couldn't pass or anything terribly negative.  Merely an observation of the averages.  There will always be statistical outliers too.

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Okay, we'll put the torches out :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on January 26, 2018, 10:39:01 pm
I don't believe that terribly inflammatory.  I never said that older ladies don't get results from hormones or that they don't look feminine or that they couldn't pass or anything terribly negative.  Merely an observation of the averages.  here will always be statistical outliers too.


Just smack her Amber. I'll let you. I won't watch. (turning away)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on January 26, 2018, 11:17:21 pm
Just smack her Amber. I'll let you. I won't watch. (turning away)

The only problem is I think she might like it.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 26, 2018, 11:31:23 pm
The only problem is I think she might like it.

Thanks a lot Ellie!
I had them right where I wanted them my pretty!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on January 27, 2018, 07:00:43 am
Don't you touch my snow shovel torch. Don't worry Cassi, I'll still slap you.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 27, 2018, 08:56:37 am
Don't you touch my snow shovel torch. Don't worry Cassi, I'll still slap you.

Promises, promises, promises.....
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 27, 2018, 01:01:29 pm
Yay for getting screwed over at work because nobody can communicate leaving it to superwoman over here to make sure everything gets done.  Not happy with my coworkers or this place right now.  I'm going to be pissed for a few hours at a minimum.  Really hoping it doesn't last all night.  It was nice to be in a decent mood the last two days.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 28, 2018, 07:20:23 pm
I think working the dayshift is really not good for my mental well being.  I have been a lot more stressed out and feel a lot more unappreciated.  Just grr.  Also, stupid boobs need to stop being so sore.  I had a lemon fall off the stack and hit one (seriously, like only a foot, tops), damn near floored me.  Hasn't been this bad since right near the beginning when they first started coming in.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on January 28, 2018, 07:48:55 pm
I think working the dayshift is really not good for my mental well being.  I have been a lot more stressed out and feel a lot more unappreciated.  Just grr.  Also, stupid boobs need to stop being so sore.  I had a lemon fall off the stack and hit one (seriously, like only a foot, tops), damn near floored me.  Hasn't been this bad since right near the beginning when they first started coming in.

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You know what they say, A Lemon a day keeps the doctor away :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on January 30, 2018, 01:39:06 pm
I think working the dayshift is really not good for my mental well being.  I have been a lot more stressed out and feel a lot more unappreciated.  Just grr.  Also, stupid boobs need to stop being so sore.  I had a lemon fall off the stack and hit one (seriously, like only a foot, tops), damn near floored me.  Hasn't been this bad since right near the beginning when they first started coming in.

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Day shifts suck. For the most part working odd hours keeps the big  honchos at bay. If I had the choice to work days or nights, I will always choose nights. Everyone has heard that song about the Freaks coming out at night. Personally I would rather deal with the freaks than the butt wipes that come out during the day time. Just sayin' because the freaks are cool the butt wipes are real butt holes. But who are the real "freaks"? A 911 call will bring cops if someone gets out of hand. Driving I chose to sleep during the day and run at night. 10 PM to 10 AM was good. I made my appointments early and when done go to the nearest Truck Stop and shut down for the day. When you own the truck you have the luxury to do that. I may have picked up a load at 2 PM but would not start the run until 10 PM at least. If a customer can't handle that then I didn't want the load. Now I own truck and hire drivers and I know how they want to work and I will back them to hell's end if need be. I do not want them running illegal but if they choose to then it is totally on them. Then again I don't want my drivers parking two days at Mustang Ranch or Winnemucca and not answering their phones. LOL go and have fun and pay the ladies and "ladies" or whatever else may float your boat. Just hold true to a commitment though.

But I don't think I have ever had a real 9 to five job though. I like dressing nice but hate "suits". but it ain't how you dress in some instances in those positions as much as how much butt you can kiss. ::) So to me, those that prefer working without being noticed when al the bosses aren't there are the real people that want nothing other than to do a job efficiently without recognition from the upper echelon. to some that means a lot. I have a brand new Pete that I just picked up early this morning and 7 drivers want it. The one that will get it is the safest and has less tickets and or accidents. The one that will get that truck is the one that calls me and asks, "what up bitch" when he gets home and asks when I need home again. His old truck is showroom ready because he takes care of it. All I know is he calls into the company that I lease on with and they tell me. I never bought a truck with a bent bumper or steel bud wheels and I check my truck on their days off. So don't ever discount that job you do. People will notice. It ma take them a little longer to notice because of all the kiss asses in the midst but they will notice.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 07, 2018, 10:54:57 am
Update time again.  I have been surprisingly good the last week or so.  I can't really explain it, but there have been less stressors and I have been blessedly able to just shrug off most of the ones that occur.  I have a silly theory that it's because I dyed my hair red again and I am happier as a redhead.  As silly as it sounds there is some merit to the theory.  It's so bright and vibrant and just knowing it's there makes me happy.  My wife seems to really like it and has been paying a lot more attention to me since we dyed it.  I need an armor plate for my butt to protect it from being pinched.  I have been getting a lot of compliments on the hair and that always makes me happy too.

I had a pretty rough therapy session last week.  A lot of crying and emotional discomfort.  As I was driving home the song I was listening too had a line, "I never asked for this, no one ever asked for this, but they gave it to you so you might as well be proud of it.  It's not your fault.". I damn near had to pull over because that hit me HARD.  I am finally starting to come to grips with how much shame and blame I pile on to myself.  Hopefully, this marks a turning point on my road to wellness.

I also had my psychiatry appointment.  I had three options.  Increase the prozac dosage, try abilify, or try lamictal.  I opted to try abilify.  It has a more favorable side effect profile.  Lamictal seems to interact with Estrogens somehow and could screw with my levels, so I won't try that until after I've tried the other options.  It's only been a few days, so it is exceedingly unlikely it is responsible for the better mood lately.

I just want to reiterate how thankful I am to all of you fine people that have shared in my journey and offered support.  Someday I won't be feel ashamed at myself when I share things about myself.

Since I am sure people are curious about the hair I finally managed to snap a decent picture.  19 months in and holy <poo>.  For <poos> and giggles I posted it on the transpassing <forum> to try to get a non Susan's/neutral perspective and gotten some more validation from strangers, lol.

(http://i.imgur.com/vZSRzkY.jpg)

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on February 07, 2018, 03:38:02 pm
Wow Amber,
   I really like  that you had a good week. You look great in the picture too. You look so much younger there than your avatar pic. Very nice!
   The therapy session sounds very promising. It sounds like the song was very meaningful to you. Sometimes the truth comes at us from very unexpected places. It is easy to know logically that being trans is not something to feel shame about. Emotionally, it is not as easy and can take some time and introspection.
   In my opinion, I think you are being helped by just getting out there what you are feeling. It is good to see.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 08, 2018, 10:09:01 am


Wow Amber,
   I really like  that you had a good week. You look great in the picture too. You look so much younger there than your avatar pic. Very nice!
   The therapy session sounds very promising. It sounds like the song was very meaningful to you. Sometimes the truth comes at us from very unexpected places. It is easy to know logically that being trans is not something to feel shame about. Emotionally, it is not as easy and can take some time and introspection.
   In my opinion, I think you are being helped by just getting out there what you are feeling. It is good to see.
Moni

Thanks Moni.  I always seem to look my age in photos.  Irl I don't look my age at all.  I love to play the, "how old do you think I am" game.  I typically get between 28 and 30.  This isn't due to hrt or anything I've always looked younger.  I am a little sad that I don't get 23-26 anymore, but oh well.  I also typically associate with early to mid twenties people.  I'm quite immature (I mean that in a good way here) so I fit in well and typically surprise people when I say something that dates me.

Therapy has been a trial and I've been doing my best to subconsciously sabotage any progress.  That's partly why I appreciate my current therapist she constantly pushes me to evaluate how I am doing this.  You are making a few slightly incorrect assumptions however.  The guilt and shame I carry around are not very related to me being trans, not directly anyway.  There are a few indirect overlaps but that's mostly because my inability to achieve any measure of success at traditionally masculine activities.  This created just another easy avenue of attack to undermine myself self esteem and to taking on the blame for my perceived shortcomings.

I really didn't have much trouble accepting myself once I realized I was trans.  It would have been easier in many ways if I had known years ago.  It would have saved me many years of torturing myself over being so different and hating how I wasn't traditionally masculine.  It wouldn't have been all sunshine and roses though.  I would have been significantly more stymied by my family.  Also, I was way more impulsive back then and would probably jumped head first into transition and alienated everyone around me.

I am happier as a woman and much kinder.  Surprisingly, I am more attractive this way too.  I am far less ashamed of myself and my body.  As a guy I would always wear incredibly baggy stuff and be incredibly uncomfortable on the beach or partially disrobed, etc.  Now, I love skinny jeans and leggings.  I like what I see in the mirror.  I am not a ball of anger and frustration.  I am mostly cleaning up 30ish years of shattered life where I learned to blame myself for everything wrong and be angry about everything.  As I tell people for me being trans has been easy, but that's because the rest of my life has been so hard.  It must be some kind of weird karma.  Everything else sucked so your consolation prize is an easy transition.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on February 08, 2018, 01:33:49 pm
@ Amberwaves:   Way to go girl, you look terrific in your last picture.  It's good to hear that you are progressing so well emotionally and physically.  Looking forward to your updates!!!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 08, 2018, 01:50:54 pm
@ Amberwaves:   Way to go girl, you look terrific in your last picture.  It's good to hear that you are progressing so well emotionally and physically.  Looking forward to your updates!!!
Hi aspiringperson.  Thanks for the compliment and for reading and reaching out.  I see you are new and I'm sure a moderator will be around to greet you if they haven't already.  You totally need to post an introduction in the introduction forum.  Inquiring minds want to know more about you

Edit: I saw you hit 15 posts and put a photo up.  You look pretty terrific yourself
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: GrayKat on February 08, 2018, 08:16:55 pm
It always amazes me how many hoops need to be jumped through to transition. Particularly when most any other cosmetic procedure requires no pre psychiatric evaluation. It's like their attitude is, "Are you surrrrrrrrrrre you want this????"
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on February 08, 2018, 08:42:25 pm
@ GrayKat:  In response to your statement:

""It always amazes me how many hoops need to be jumped through to transition.
Particularly when most any other cosmetic procedure requires no pre psychiatric evaluation.
It's like their attitude is, "Are you surrrrrrrrrrre you want this????"
"

In my opinion (and I am sure that you understand this)  I don't believe that HRT and transitioning is not just "any" cosmetic procedure. Obviously it is much, much more than that. 
There are some men and some women that seemingly want to swap genders on a whim or as a result of a fantasy of sorts without fully thinking it through.  A Psychiatric Evaluation is required because it is obviously important to determine "Are you surrrrrrrrre you want this?""   The hoops are there to primarily protect the patient from remorse, regret and possible transition reversal which can be a mine field of relationship and physical issues.   Fully reversing HRT and GRS is difficult and not all things can be reversed through stopping hormones or even surgery.... it would be very tough on one's body for sure.... and a transwoman would be permanently sterile among other things.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 08, 2018, 09:27:22 pm


@ GrayKat:  In response to your statement:

""It always amazes me how many hoops need to be jumped through to transition.
Particularly when most any other cosmetic procedure requires no pre psychiatric evaluation.
It's like their attitude is, "Are you surrrrrrrrrrre you want this????"
"

In my opinion (and I am sure that you understand this)  I don't believe that HRT and transitioning is not just "any" cosmetic procedure. Obviously it is much, much more than that. 

It is left unclear exactly what is meant by GrayKat's statement.  I agree with you Aspiring that most of transition is not only cosmetic.  However, there are aspects that can be considered cosmetic despite the necessity for transwomen.  Breast augmentation is cosmetic, but also very useful to many psychologically.  Hair removal is cosmetic, but for many a necessity due to beard shadow.  I am not sure they were implying GCS was cosmetic.  There is clearly the case that it is a major medical procedure that involves completely changing the function of a part of anatomy.  Genital hair removal is not considered cosmetic, but medically necessary (though not all require it and some even advise against it) from a functional standpoint.  I severely doubt the comment was meant to include hrt as that is clearly medical.

To be honest most of the cosmetic procedures require very little hoop jumping.  They require money out of pocket instead.  The hoop jumping I'm going through (which isn't really that bad) is so that my insurance will pay for it.  My insurance will cover a very limited amount of cosmetic procedures, specifically breast augmentation.  I don't need it so I'm not getting it.  It does not cover facial hair electrolysis, but it does cover electrolysis of the vaginoplasty donor site.

I could be incorrect and they are indeed referring to GCS as cosmetic.  If that is the case then, wow, there is some gross misunderstanding of the nature of the procedure going on.  The psych evals are, imo, an integral part of the process.  It's major surgery that is irreversible.  I don't agree with needing psychological evaluation for hrt (informed consent model).  Many of the effects are somewhat reversible, though some would require surgery such as breasts.  Permanent sterility is a potential, but you don't need a psych eval for vasectomy or tubal ligation either.

Transition, as a whole, is not even remotely close to a cosmetic action.   Yes it does affect a person's appearance, but it is so much more than that.  I'm sure I could find an unscrupulous doctor somewhere to give me breast implants with no hrt or transition intent.  I could have hair removed for any reason if I pay up.  I could get cosmetic facial surgery, etc.  These procedures are part of transition for many, but are not transition in and of themselves.  It is so much more than that.  It involves becoming someone you always hid or wished you could be.  It aligns your physical body and hormonal profile with you mind.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on February 08, 2018, 09:51:20 pm
@ amberwaves:  I like your well thought out reply above and agree with much of what you stated.  Thanks for clarifying your thoughts on some of the issues regarding transitioning, cosmetic procedures, surgery, HRT, etc.  We can agree to disagree on some of the points. Expressing our views in a respectful give and take is what friendly discussion and debate is all about. Thank you.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 09, 2018, 08:23:00 am
@ amberwaves:  I like your well thought out reply above and agree with much of what you stated.  Thanks for clarifying your thoughts on some of the issues regarding transitioning, cosmetic procedures, surgery, HRT, etc.  We can agree to disagree on some of the points. Expressing our views in a respectful give and take is what friendly discussion and debate is all about. Thank you.
I love debate!  Thats why I coached high school debate for 8 years and competed in college.  It's always nice when the discussion is civil.  I really wasn't doing much more than chiming in with my 2 cents about it.  I understand that there are a plethora of view points on the subject of transition.  For me, personally, a lot of this has been more optional than necessary.  Hrt is necessary, but I could live with my current genitalia.  It wouldn't be as full of a life, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.  Same with hair removal.  I dislike it, but it isn't causing extreme distress either.  For others I fully understand that these are necessities.  Same with augmentation and FFS.  I was lucky enough to not need it, nor feel extremely dysphoric because of the lack.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on February 09, 2018, 10:33:09 am
snipped: 
I love debate!  Thats why I coached high school debate for 8 years and competed in college.  It's always nice when the discussion is civil.

Amberwaves:   Ah ha, no wonder I like talking to you. 8)  Likewise I was in the Debate Club in high school and in college I also competed on one of the Debate Teams.    Yes, civil, respectful, and not demeaning is the key to debate that allows differing views to be voiced without criticism, and berating.  :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on February 09, 2018, 10:34:04 am
Darn!

I was so looking forward to pitchforks and torches!!!!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on February 09, 2018, 10:38:10 am
@ Amberwaves:   As an additional thought to my previous reply...
I would have loved to have been on the Debate Team as a woman...    It would have been most interesting I think.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 09, 2018, 10:39:22 am
Darn!

I was so looking forward to pitchforks and torches!!!!
Don't worry.  That time will come.  Then all the normies will know their place!

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on February 09, 2018, 10:40:59 am
Don't worry.  That time will come.  Then all the normies will know their place!

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 :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap:
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 09, 2018, 10:42:35 am
@ Amberwaves:   As an additional thought to my previous reply...
I would have loved to have been on the Debate Team as a woman...    It would have been most interesting I think.
It would have been interesting.  We had more female debaters than males most years four our  high school debater program.

To be fair, I was successful regardless.  In 2014, my partner and I won the PFA state tournament in parliamentary debate.  First time anyone from Bloomsburg won.  The next year our high school public forum debate team placed 8th in the nation at NFL nationals (I know NFL changed their name, but I forget what it is now).

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on February 09, 2018, 04:01:06 pm
I hate debate! Okay, you have 5 minutes for rebuttal! >:-)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on February 09, 2018, 04:23:21 pm
I hate debate! Okay, you have 5 minutes for rebuttal! >:-)

Funny, you should say that, a lot of people who don't like fishing hate de bait too :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 12, 2018, 11:17:43 am
It's that time again... Updates!  All good things must come to an end it seems.  After 2 pleasant weeks of really good mood, today it crashes down.  It's not super bad and hopefully doesn't last.  Today is weird because my mood is just really unstable.  Things are able to definitely trigger me today, but after a bit of distraction (work) I notice that I'm not too upset until I start thinking about things again.  Is this how "normal"people operate?  It's definitely not the norm for me.  I'm wondering if the abilify is working in the background to minimize the severity of the down swings.  It's been about two weeks so perhaps.  However, back to back days off getting boned hard at work have not made me a very happy camper.

The grand experiment to see if E was sufficient to suppress my T has been a failure.  Got my land back the other day and nope T was up to 300.  This explains why my chest hair was growing back so fast and why I felt I was starting to stink after a few hours every day.  Kind of sucks because I really didn't miss waking up to pee multiple times in the night. I see my endo next week so we will go over the results.  I am going to ask again about injections.  He doesn't care for them because it's hard to get stable levels, but even at a high dose of E it was only at 128pg/mL on pills.

I typically am very resistant to medications and it seems hormones are no different.  That being said I have seen really good feminization on hrt so my receptors must be pretty good.  I posted a few photos recently and holy <poo>, I LIKE how I look these days.  It's still am incredible mind fudge to feel good about how I look after so many years of having my appearance.  I never really knew why either.  Since I've been feeling good about my looks been wearing more flattering clothing that shows off a tiny bit.  It's such an odd experience to look down and see cleavage (this is partly because I bought bread that fit correctly).  My brain goes, "holy <poo> when did that happen?". 

I have been really sociable lately.  I went ahead and reconnected with a few people on Facebook that I haven't talked to in a while.  Apparently I look a lot happier these days, but given how I used to be, that's not surprising.  Unfortunately, every body is really busy and my brain does still like to fall into the trap of thinking people must not want to talk to me. 

One person, who I really only loosely know, kind of unsettled me a bit.  I was busy with work so I couldn't respond much or often and I said as much and I'll talk to you later.  They responded with something along the lines of, "why would you bother caring about another person's life, unless you are interested in them.". That kind of stings.  I know that's just their depression speaking, but still.  I made an effort to reach out, which is unusual in and of itself for me, why snap at me?  It's been making me question if I am a selfish person and only talk to others when I have some ulterior motive. I know that rationally that's not the case, but I am prone to that kind of negative self doubt and it hit me on a day where I was already unsettled.

I talked to my brother in law yesterday.  Haven't spoken to him in a while.  Turns out they (well at least him anyway) are not upset with me.  I was starting to wonder if I pissed them off.

Things are still weird with that friends I've been having so many issues with lately.  She has been incredibly disinterested with me.  I have only seen her a few times over the last few weeks.  I wave hi and she wanted back, but I see the smile face before she even turns her head away.  Last week I some with her briefly about something relatively unimportant.  She tried, but failed, to hide this look of disgust.  One of those "oh great, now I have to deal with her" looks.  I truly have no idea what's going on. I've decided I'm not going to bother finding out either.  It hurts, but for my own sanity I just have to let go.  It's a shame because I really did value our friendship.  Still it makes me feel <poor> because i want able to be a good friend. 

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on February 12, 2018, 11:20:01 am
Amber,

I've been waiting to tell you this and now is the time as I know what you're going thru is not your fault.  You see, I recognized you from when we were kidnapped and put on that UFO by the Greys. 

They just love messing with our biological systems!!!!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 12, 2018, 11:28:28 am
Amber,

I've been waiting to tell you this and now is the time as I know what you're going thru is not your fault.  You see, I recognized you from when we were kidnapped and put on that UFO by the Greys. 

They just love messing with our biological systems!!!!
I freaking knew it!  Makes so much more sense now.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on February 12, 2018, 11:42:46 am
I freaking knew it!  Makes so much more sense now.

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I am soooo happy!!!!!
Now enjoy life and be hoppy, I mean Happy!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on February 12, 2018, 12:30:13 pm
snipped: 
It's that time again... Updates!  All good things must come to an end it seems.
 - - - -
The grand experiment to see if E was sufficient to suppress my T has been a failure.  Got my land back the other day and nope T was up to 300.  This explains why my chest hair was growing back so fast and why I felt I was starting to stink after a few hours every day.  Kind of sucks because I really didn't miss waking up to pee multiple times in the night. I see my endo next week so we will go over the results.  I am going to ask again about injections.  He doesn't care for them because it's hard to get stable levels, but even at a high dose of E it was only at 128pg/mL on pills.

I typically am very resistant to medications and it seems hormones are no different.  That being said I have seen really good feminization on hrt so my receptors must be pretty good.  I posted a few photos recently and holy <poo>, I LIKE how I look these days.  It's still am incredible mind fudge to feel good about how I look after so many years of having my appearance.  I never really knew why either.  Since I've been feeling good about my looks been wearing more flattering clothing that shows off a tiny bit.  It's such an odd experience to look down and see cleavage (this is partly because I bought bread that fit correctly).  My brain goes, "holy <poo> when did that happen?". 

I have been really sociable lately.  I went ahead and reconnected with a few people on Facebook that I haven't talked to in a while.  Apparently I look a lot happier these days, but given how I used to be, that's not surprising.  Unfortunately, every body is really busy and my brain does still like to fall into the trap of thinking people must not want to talk to me. 
   - - - - - - - 
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amberwaves:  I read your update and you must certainly know that you are not alone in this difficult trek of transition.  I think that your body transition so far looks great as shown by your recent Feb 8th photos that you posted. I like the first outfit best... but both do look very nice on you.

Personally for my HRT situation in the past the E alone did not keep the T down.  My doc has kept me on a T-Blocker for 3 years and I am still on them so the E can really do it's job in my body....and I am so very glad that it is working.  I like what you stated..." It's such an odd experience to look down and see cleavage."  That too was an important right of passage for me and opened up so many more clothing choices... YAY !!!!

So your body not compatible with most T-Blocker pills??  Does your doctor want to try putting you back on a T-Blocker pill since he is not happy with injections or will he do the injections if there is not a good choice with the T-Blocker pills?   Most certainly growing more hair and stinking sucks but because of a T-Blocker, waking up in the night to go pee all the time is a very minor inconvenience in the scope of things especially when the E will work better and hopefully accelerate your transition.

As far as you being able to successfully deal with your personal relationships, friends and family, I wish you well with that endeavor.  I am glad that you are staying as sociable as possible, that is good, better than crawling into a black hole, isolated and pushing away from others.
Transition not only tests our physical body but also our mental and psychological well-being.  An old saying that I heard some years ago hits the nail on the head... "If life doesn't deal you enough problems you can always count on your family."   So very true!!

Wishing you well, looking forward to your future updates.  (and more photos?)  Stay positive!!!
aspiringperson
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 12, 2018, 01:23:26 pm


snipped: 
amberwaves:  I read your update and you must certainly know that you are not alone in this difficult trek of transition.  I think that your body transition so far looks great as shown by your recent Feb 8th photos that you posted. I like the first outfit best... but both do look very nice on you.

So your body not compatible with most T-Blocker pills?

First off, thank you very much for the compliment.

It's funny but for me transition really hasn't been a difficult trek at all.  It has been mostly pretty easy and pain free.  I am sort of an outlier in that regard.  Considering that the rest of my life has been playing on hard mode.  I already was estranged from most of my family due to severe family dysfunction.  Even though I pretty much lost my relationship with my father it wasn't that big of a loss because it had been souring for a few years anyway.  I have an awesome wife who likes me much better this way and great kids who are young enough to accept everything.  I didn't really have a career to lose either, having spent years doing menial work.  I lost a long time friend, but I gained others.  Honestly, I stand by my statement made a long time ago that life played a very cruel trick on me for the first 35 years.  I don't brag about my fairly easy transition.  Many have struggled so long and hard and have given up so much.  My heart goes out to all who have sacrificed to be who they truly are.

I have only tried spironolactone as an AA.  My potassium has a habit of running at the upper end of the range as a baseline so we never went beyond the initial dosage.  I inquired about other anti-androgens such as bicalutamide and others but he was less than receptive.  All said and done I'm getting to where I want to be.  I already started back on spiro when I saw my results.

I say I thought I stunk, but in reality I didn't.  I was never that odorous.  It's just definitely how I smelled as a guy and my smell is much better these days.  I told my wife and she hadn't noticed, not had anyone complained.

So far so good not getting sucked back into despair.  Honestly, for better perspective on me it's worth reading this thread from near the beginning.  I don't post terribly often, but you can see how my moods fluxuate by what I choose to say and how I phrase things.  Also, that will give you more clarity about my personal struggles.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 21, 2018, 10:04:35 am
So it seems like the Abilify is helping.  I have noticed that my mood has been much more stable.  Even things that get me down don't seem to last more than a little bit before fading back to baseline.  Also, baseline mood seems to be back up around where it was in August/September.  This is nice because there's possibly more <poo> going on now than then.  So it's either the Abilify or my T being back down.  It's hard to say because I restarted Spiro right around the time I started Abilify.  Either way the current cocktail seems to be doing it's job.

Had my visit with my Endo yesterday.  We discussed my levels and the reason it seemed they were so off.  We upped E yet again.  Really capping out on that option, but this should be the last time it's necessary.  My E level in August was 128.8 pg/mL and T was 23.7.  The recent results are an aberration based on this little experiment so I base my thoughts on the August numbers.  Not terribly happy to be on Spiro and almost peeing myself multiple times a day at work and driving.  With all this dancing you think I would be getting good at it .

On the bright side when I weighed in for my visit I was down 2 pounds, even with clothes on (albeit light clothes because the weather was really nice).  I typically weigh myself in the morning in panties post evacuation for consistency.  So I am nuking the T back down and suddenly the weight loss train starts running again.  I don't really get it fully but I just run better on female hormones.  This just affirms my theory, that I was just meant to be a woman, even more.  What a nasty cruel prank life played on me.  I could have been happy and slim and enjoyable to be around my whole life.  Oh well, it's a shame for the years lost but I'm not gonna dwell on it.

So my visit was not without issues, though they weren't directly related to the visit itself.  When I pulled into the parking lot my wife called me.  She was heading to the ER with mouth pain as soon as her mom could get there to sit with the kids (I was an hour away at this point).  We suspected very strongly she had an infection because this weekend she had some bad mouth pain.  But since it was the weekend we opted to not do the ER and try to get her in to the Dr when the week started up.  Guess that was the wrong choice.  So I was already on edge.  She does indeed have a bad infection and got some antibiotics, a lidocaine shot, and a referral for dentistry.

On the drive home I got about 1 mile from my exit I got a flat tire.  I had been planning on getting new tires with our tax return anyway.  They are 7 years old (rated for 10) and the tread is wearing low.  So it's dusk and I get to change a tire along a busy highway.  I get the lug nuts off and go to pull the tire and the bastard is stuck.  Apparently it had fused itself a bit due to corrosion.  I eventually got it off by replacing the lug nuts at finger tight and driving back and forth a few feet.  This let it wobble enough to break off most of the corrosion.  I put it back up and still had to yank hard enough I wasn't sure the jack would hold to get it off.  Wouldn't you believe it, but here there I was, a damsel in distress, and not one shining knight stopped to help.  I kid, I totally didn't need help.  Unfortunately, the bra I was wearing was not made for this kind of work and left some impressive marks in my sides. Then I got stuck at a train and had to pick up my new Rx and a refill.  I had to apologize profusely to my mother-in-law for how late I was getting back.

I had another electrolysis session on Monday.  That went really well except for me being 10 minutes late (thanks 20 minute window time at McDonald's, seriously, it was a burrito and a coffee, <I don't understand>).  You can really see a difference on the upper lip now.  We don't spend nearly as long there and we have been getting a lot more time on the chin.  I enjoy the conversation too.  She asked me about how I figured out my style.  I told her I don't even know if I have a "style" yet.  I buy what I think might be cute and most things are still just an experiment.  It must work well because I am just not used to getting so many compliments.  To be fair I saw my reflection the other day and realized that, holy <poo>, I look like a woman that I would flirt with.  I can just imagine how it's going to be once I drop under 200.

We have been having issues with the county assistance office lately.  I'm starting to think that if we are going to get screwed on our assistance (insurance) I might as well get a big girl job.  The only reason I haven't is because of the looking expensive surgery that I know for a fact is covered.  Guess it's time to update the name on the resume and start looking again.  If that happens at least we could probably have my wife drop her job and go to school full time.  Just kinda stinks because the current plan works, even if not ideal.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on February 21, 2018, 10:24:13 am
                 (snipped)

@amberwaves:  Wow whee.... quite a time you had with everything you mentioned in your post.   For me, writing about life events like you just did really helps me deal with all of it emotionally.   
Oh yeah, just like you, if I keep the T at lowest levels it "seems" that I can keep my weight under control... I don't know if this is a universal fact but it "seems" that way for me.  I have seen other posts where this is not the case and they were saying that higher E causes weight gain....   As everyone says, your mileage may vary and every body responds differently to these things.
I enjoyed reading your treatise...  especially the flat tire episode... I have had the same thing happen with trying to remove a stuck wheel, I liked your solution.   .... and perhaps if you were wearing a mini-skirt, crop top, and high heels you would have enticed a knight in shining armor to come to your rescue.  LOL
Keep your updates coming and more pictures too!
Best Wishes,
aspiringperson
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 21, 2018, 10:52:31 am


For me, writing about life events like you just did really helps me deal with all of it emotionally.   

Oh yeah, just like you, if I keep the T at lowest levels it "seems" that I can keep my weight under control... I don't know if this is a universal fact but it "seems" that way for me.  I have seen other posts where this is not the case and they were saying that higher E causes weight gain....   

Perhaps if you were wearing a mini-skirt, crop top, and high heels you would have enticed a knight in shining armor to come to your rescue.  LOL

I surprisingly don't need to share to deal with things emotionally.  I share because it's a nice way to chronicle things for prosperity and sometimes it's just amusing.  Also, I think I may like the attention.  Here I thought that I was an introvert.  Seems like these days the emphasis should be on WAS.

I'm glad I'm not the only one to react this way with the weight thing.  It was my understanding that most people have a hard time keeping weight off on E.  For me it's just been melting away.  It's such a pleasant change.  That and the easy passing makes me feel like I put in a cheat code or something.

I didn't realize I was wearing the wrong outfit.  Flats, jeggings, a nice blouse, and a scowl does not a damsel make?  Nevermind the punk music blasting from the stereo.  Seems like a modern fairytale to me .

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 22, 2018, 04:56:12 pm
Okay I took a quick work selfie.  Mostly because it's the first time in my life wearing pig tails and also having my hair braided.  It's not particularly great because I did it in haste on my lunch break, but I still think it's kind of cute.

(http://i.imgur.com/jVz4Y88.jpg)

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on February 22, 2018, 05:14:11 pm
Okay I took a quick work selfie.  Mostly because it's the first time in my life wearing pig tails and also having my hair braided.  It's not particularly great because I did it in haste on my lunch break, but I still think it's kind of cute.

(http://i.imgur.com/jVz4Y88.jpg)

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@amberwaves:  I have not worn pigtails but I have fixed my hair in a ponytail often... particularly when I go jogging or running...or to the gym... and/or don't want to take the time to fix up my hair just running errands.   
Pigtails look good on you and I especially liked your previous photo on another thread with the side ponytail.... 
... and I have to say it again, I love your red hair!!!!!
Aspiringperson.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 22, 2018, 05:35:28 pm


@amberwaves:  I have not worn pigtails but I have fixed my hair in a ponytail often... particularly when I go jogging or running...or to the gym... and/or don't want to take the time to fix up my hair just running errands.   
Pigtails look good on you and I especially liked your previous photo on another thread with the side ponytail.... 
... and I have to say it again, I love your red hair!!!!!
Aspiringperson.

Thank you, I love the red hair too.  I wear a pony tail a lot of the time to keep it out of my face and for work.  I need to practice braiding.  I would love to do wind braids, but I am not sure I could do them myself and my wife looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it once before.  This stuff is where I truly miss not having been socialized female.  I could have learned and tried out so much of this stuff.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on February 22, 2018, 07:51:59 pm

Thank you, I love the red hair too.  I wear a pony tail a lot of the time to keep it out of my face and for work.  I need to practice braiding.  I would love to do wind braids, but I am not sure I could do them myself and my wife looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it once before.  This stuff is where I truly miss not having been socialized female.  I could have learned and tried out so much of this stuff.

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Watching my sister play with different hair styles and do like fun hidden dyed spots (she has normal hair, then flips it over and its rainbow!) kills me. Missing out on that time as kids and teens is a true loss. :/
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 23, 2018, 07:52:49 am
So sick and tired of working my butt off to fall farther behind and watch others pull ahead of me.  I'm a nice person, a good worker, and way over educated and over qualified.  Screw this <poo>.  Not effing happy

Edit: Just venting.  Guess it's time to start looking for greener pastures.  Emphasis on the green.  Also, 2.7% dropped to 0.27% so eff me I guess.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 23, 2018, 03:08:38 pm
And as expected anger fades to a deep self loathing and depression.  FML.  Going to try to sleep and abrogate everything.  Seems to be what I'm best at anyway.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 24, 2018, 08:13:02 am
And as expected anger fades to a deep self loathing and depression.  FML.  Going to try to sleep and abrogate everything.  Seems to be what I'm best at anyway.

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Yay sleeping worked.  So much better when I don't have too much T in my system.  That send to extend the duration of those spells by a few days.  I'm still pretty upset about things but I am functional and in a decent mood overall.  I wish I would have known that hrt would help the mood problems this much years ago.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 28, 2018, 12:39:23 pm
Today has been a weird day.  I didn't get much good sleep so kind of tired.  I was actually on time for a therapy appointment.  That doesn't happen.  I enjoy my therapy sessions but I am also beginning to dread them to a small degree. 

We are working on dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skills at the moment.  Currently working on mindfulness.  I know I need to learn and practice these skills, but I just don't want to.  Rationally it's the right move and beneficial as all heck, but something inside me recoils in horror.  I am visibly uncomfortable being put on the spot talking about this stuff.  I can't seem to do any practice outside of session. 

We worked through an exercise and I nearly started to panic about 2/3 of the way through.  I felt like I was failing at it and my brain (and body) just ran with that.  I don't like failing or even the remotest possibility of it.  I have such impossibly high standards for myself that any failure is magnified to the point of me just feeling like a complete and general failure and a waste.  This leads to the anger and shame cycle starting.  Some days I wonder if I'll ever move past this.  I honestly doubt my strength in this regard.  Dealing with depression and sorrow, pile it on I'm effing Atlas, but to learn to accept myself and continue to expose myself to this discomfort?  I am as weak as an infant.

It's not unusual to walk away from a session in a decidedly "off" mood.  Examining this mood is tough because there is a lot going on.  I've been fighting to keep it above neutral, but slowly losing that fight.  I don't want to wallow in this or be miserable (for once).  I want to talk to someone both for the distraction and to spew out my thoughts, but then I realize I have no friends.  Everyone I could talk to is at work right now.  Also, I don't feel like anyone actually wants to hear me whine, mope, and use them as a sounding board for my own thoughts.  In reality, i want validation that any of this makes sense.  I feel hollow right now as my sense of worth has been challenged.  It's odd to realize how fragile I really am.  Like Achilles, I am nigh impervious except for a fatal flaw.

Other stuff has happened and I would like to update, but can't muster the motivation at the moment.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on February 28, 2018, 12:44:15 pm
 :icon_punch: :icon_punch: :icon_punch: :icon_punch: :icon_poke: :icon_writers_block: :icon_writers_block: :icon_woowoo: :icon_woowoo: :icon_wave-nerd: :icon_wave-nerd: :icon_walk: :icon_walk: :icon_rockon: :icon_rockon:
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on February 28, 2018, 12:50:04 pm
@ amberwaves:  regarding your latest posting and all that is going through your mind regarding therapy and other issues....   hang in there girl.... we all know that transitioning is not easy.   There are some that have an easier time than yourself and there are many others that are having a tougher time.   
Your journey is your own and is different that anyone else.
It is nice for you to be able to write down and voice your thoughts on here, using it as your journal...  by doing so it can clear your mind and lift burdens.
Best wishes to you as you continue on your journey.,
Aspiringperson
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on March 01, 2018, 02:23:41 pm
So sick and tired of working my butt off to fall farther behind and watch others pull ahead of me.  I'm a nice person, a good worker, and way over educated and over qualified.  Screw this <poo>.  Not effing happy

Edit: Just venting.  Guess it's time to start looking for greener pastures.  Emphasis on the green.  Also, 2.7% dropped to 0.27% so eff me I guess.

Yeah it sux sometimes when you know more than others yet they get pushed ahead. That is the same with whatever career or job you have. I have been through the same <poo>. I have worked in safety and saw someone with a big company passed over me because I knew more about the actual safety of driving trucks than a 5 year driver. But it is easier to nold that person's mind to the companies will than it would have been with mine which was 12 years and no accidents or tickets. Not even a log book violation.

Yeah it pisses you off but... if you want to get ahead just play as dumb as everyone else is. Or do like I did and go out on your own. That is easy with trucking but not so easy in other industries. But never settle. Take the risks if need be. It is a lot of work for the first year or two and you have a lot of proving to do but I have three trucks that pull nothing but heavy, high, wide and long loads. I had to beg for business and had to invest so much in equipment that  I basically ate bologna sandwiches and one meal a day for the first year. Then the money started coming in after the first month and I could start making my payments. Trucking is different because mostly it takes 45 days to get paid in that industry on your own yet the state and fed require everything like plates, permits, taxes and so on right now. So it took six months to totally catch up. All the while I still had to make payroll and my drivers a percentage and want a check every week so I had to borrow, beg and explain in the first two months. But I just never could see pulling freight for 1 dollar per mile when OD loads pay at least five times that and a lot of times 20 times that.

But if you are overqualified and unhappy then trade the job security and risk going out on your own where you are the one in charge. It isn't pretty for the first year but after that, you will be surprised at the tax write offs on businesses. Trucking itself is a loss so even if I have a good year I still have losses. So be happy even if it means being miserable for a little while. At least you are working for yourself and your own future instead of someone else's.

You ready for a good laugh. I own my own business and still lease trucks to an oilfield company and the safety man for that company calls me for advice especially when it comes to OD loads. He calls me to give road tests because he don't even have a GD CDL. Yet he is in charge of Safety because he has a diploma from a college. I charge the company 40 bucks per road test. I am also a qualified third party tester in my state to pass the test to obtain a CDL. So I am a little experienced in what I do.

But no one ever got anywhere settling for security and a steady paycheck. That leads to bitching about your job and your unhappiness that you mentioned. My ex was the same way and her daddy too. Both used to constantly bitch about their jobs, who was in charge and so on. I really shot upward and beyond after our divorce. Even as an O/O she did not want me to own more than one truck that I drove and I heard all the BS excuses. Then I would have to pay more drivers and then here is more equipment to maintain and on and on. The best thing I ever did was tell her I was trans because then she wanted a divorce and low and behold now I am way more successful than I ever would have been if I would have stayed with her. Oh and I am not rich by a long shot but I am happy and comfortable. But yes I still bitch about work and equipment and so on but it really ain't no big thing now, just a little venting is all.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 04, 2018, 07:27:16 pm
Well it seems my absence the last few days has been noted.  I haven't been avoiding updating or wallowing in misery, just been busy.  Lots of work, sick kids, and the rare evening alone with my wife.  Things have been going good overall.  Today at work I got 6 compliments on my earrings.  I seriously only paid $2 for them, but they look fancy.  Here's a quick and terrible quality photo.  Please excuse the appearance, it's been a long day of work and kids and burning trash for 2 hours.

(http://i.imgur.com/s1R2d9T.jpg)

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on March 04, 2018, 07:36:18 pm
Well it seems my absence the last few days has been noted.  I haven't been avoiding updating or wallowing in misery, just been busy.  Lots of work, sick kids, and the rare evening alone with my wife.  Things have been going good overall.  Today at work I got 6 compliments on my earrings.  I seriously only paid $2 for them, but they look fancy.  Here's a quick and terrible quality photo.  Please excuse the appearance, it's been a long day of work and kids and burning trash for 2 hours.

(http://i.imgur.com/s1R2d9T.jpg)

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@ amberwaves:  Yes, your absence was certainly noted.  Lots of work is good, right? More hours?  More money?
I like your picture that you posted with your pigtails and you wearing those very cute and colorful earbobs... wow, only $2 !!!!   I love dangly earrings and I like bargains!
Aspiringperson
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on March 05, 2018, 12:15:43 am
Well it seems my absence the last few days has been noted.  I haven't been avoiding updating or wallowing in misery, just been busy.  Lots of work, sick kids, and the rare evening alone with my wife.  Things have been going good overall.  Today at work I got 6 compliments on my earrings.  I seriously only paid $2 for them, but they look fancy.  Here's a quick and terrible quality photo.  Please excuse the appearance, it's been a long day of work and kids and burning trash for 2 hours.

(http://i.imgur.com/s1R2d9T.jpg)

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You call that a terrible photo? Girl, you are gorgeous! (Not sure if I can pull off "Girl!", I'm not sure I'm sassy enough. ;D)

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 04:56:24 am
You call that a terrible photo? Girl, you are gorgeous! (Not sure if I can pull off "Girl!", I'm not sure I'm sassy enough. ;D)
I think you can pull off "Girl".  Thanks for the compliment.  Gorgeous is rarely an adjective I associate with myself.  Terrible may be an overstatement, but objectively it's not a good photo.  It's blurry, my makeup is messy, and my hair is all over the place.  Plus with that angle I can see the magnitude of my schnoz and the (very slight) Adam's apple I possess.  Decades of poor body image turn you into a horrible self critic.

Now I feel like one of those girls who speaks negative about themselves to fish for compliments.  Seriously, that's not the case, though I do like compliments.  One of my coworkers yesterday (who historically is very antisocial and kind of a witch with a b) told me I looked pretty yesterday.
@ amberwaves:  Yes, your absence was certainly noted.  Lots of work is good, right? More hours?  More money?
I like your picture that you posted with your pigtails and you wearing those very cute and colorful earbobs... wow, only $2 !!!!   I love dangly earrings and I like bargains!
Aspiringperson
Lots of work is nice and does = money, but lately it's not my income that is truly deficient.  Thanks I like the pig tails and the earrings too.  Sometimes I feel like I might be too old for the pig tails, but then I say eff it, imma wear em anyway.

Thanks ladies.  I'm off to get my butt stomped at work today

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on March 05, 2018, 08:11:53 am
I think you can pull off "Girl".  Thanks for the compliment.  Gorgeous is rarely an adjective I associate with myself.  Terrible may be an overstatement, but objectively it's not a good photo.  It's blurry, my makeup is messy, and my hair is all over the place.  Plus with that angle I can see the magnitude of my schnoz and the (very slight) Adam's apple I possess.  Decades of poor body image turn you into a horrible self critic.

Now I feel like one of those girls who speaks negative about themselves to fish for compliments.  Seriously, that's not the case, though I do like compliments.  One of my coworkers yesterday (who historically is very antisocial and kind of a witch with a b) told me I looked pretty yesterday.

Oh wow, you sound exactly like my sister! I'll tell you exactly what I tell her: You weren't fishing for compliments, and I don't say them when I don't mean them! :) I didn't see blurry, or messy makeup, or frizzy hair. I definitely didn't see any nose or trachea issues (seriously, I don't at all)!  (Actually, except for the trachea part, I even have to tell her all of those things. ;D)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 08:13:06 am
New update.  Screw today. Screw everything.  I just give up. I don't want to talk about it right now.  Just fml and further confirmation that there is no way to win this stupid rigged game.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 08:17:36 am
Oh wow, you sound exactly like my sister! I'll tell you exactly what I tell her: You weren't fishing for compliments, and I don't say them when I don't mean them! :) I didn't see blurry, or messy makeup, or frizzy hair. I definitely didn't see any nose or trachea issues (seriously, I don't at all)!  (Actually, except for the trachea part, I even have to tell her all of those things. ;D)
Thanks.  I barely have an Adams Apple.  Just the way I'm holding my head you can sort of see it.  I honestly don't fret about it, just found it weird I could actually see it for once.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on March 05, 2018, 09:36:34 am
New update.  Screw today. Screw everything.  I just give up. I don't want to talk about it right now.  Just fml and further confirmation that there is no way to win this stupid rigged game.

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Hang in there amberwaves, it is early today, there is lots of day left for things to get better... be positive!!!
Sending positive vibes your way.  I will be looking for a good report from you later today.
Aspiringperson
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 10:08:13 am
Hang in there amberwaves, it is early today, there is lots of day left for things to get better... be positive!!!
Sending positive vibes your way.  I will be looking for a good report from you later today.
Aspiringperson
Unless your positive vibes bring the $10,000 tax return the government just keifed with it, don't bother.  The only thing keeping me functional today is lots of Adderall.  After that wears off

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on March 05, 2018, 12:27:05 pm
Unless your positive vibes bring the $10,000 tax return the government just keifed with it, don't bother.  The only thing keeping me functional today is lots of Adderall.  After that wears off

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10 grand is a lot of money. If you own a business or work in an industry that is regulated by the government then that really pisses someone off. You will eventually get it after a lot of grandstanding from both parties. Eventually they will pay it but never ever depend on a tax return to live on. Always expect them at anytime to be late. But you will get it if it is owed to you. Eventually...
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 05, 2018, 12:32:12 pm
Financial planning could make it easier by reducing your withholding to be closer to what you would owe at the end of the year.  As I recall, what was withheld and what was owed can't have a difference of more than $500 otherwise you'll get penalized.

This is US IRS stuff, not AUS, CA, UK, etc.



Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 12:41:28 pm


but never ever depend on a tax return to live on.

Well no <poo> Sherlock because having BPD (known for impulse and self defeating behavior) and ADHD (known for impulsive behavior and poor planning) make it so frickin easy to run your finances.  I suck at it and have for as long as I've been an adult.  I'm so glad you told me what I already know, but am completely unable to actually do.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 05, 2018, 12:53:55 pm

Well no <poo> Sherlock because having BPD (known for impulse and self defeating behavior) and ADHD (known for impulsive behavior and poor planning) make it so frickin easy to run your finances.  I suck at it and have for as long as I've been an adult.  I'm so glad you told me what I already know, but am completely unable to actually do.

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Aha, here's the Amber we all know and love!!!!!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 01:06:08 pm
Aha, here's the Amber we all know and love!!!!!
If this is who you love, we are going to have issues.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 05, 2018, 01:12:07 pm
If this is who you love, we are going to have issues.

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Issues and Tissues! And I said "We", not "Me" LOL - Hang in there kid!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on March 05, 2018, 01:44:33 pm

Well no <poo> Sherlock because having BPD (known for impulse and self defeating behavior) and ADHD (known for impulsive behavior and poor planning) make it so frickin easy to run your finances.  I suck at it and have for as long as I've been an adult.  I'm so glad you told me what I already know, but am completely unable to actually do.

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LOL I know. Believe me I know. It takes a lot. Yeah I am still ADHD and what I find not interesting then screw it. UGH. Bipolar I know what it is but have never heard it put that way. One day you may be laser focused and manic even, the next day depressed. It used to be called manic depressive disorder but bipolar is easier to swallow.

Some medications will make you compulsive. Hey I bought my first truck on an impulse. My second too and hired a driver through close scrutiny. My third truck was an impulsive purchase too then it kept going. The ADHD well I was hyped about driving and owning more. Bipolar seems to be a common diagnosis these days. You are depressed and a little pissed off then a shrink will diagnose you as Bipolar. That is way easier than getting to the real problem of why you are depressed and pissed sometimes at the same time. It is when the ups get more polarized with the downs. In other word Mania and Depression on totally opposite scales.

So my dear Watson, get a second opinion. Check your medication because Cymbalta has been know to cause compulsory behavior as a side affect. What about Adderall? Am I the only one that reads the side effects for medication? If medication doesn't work totally correct then tell your doctor and then try something else. Different people react different ways to different medications.

Actually I am so sorry to have offended you so I will bow down and say good luck. I will reply no more here. Good luck amberwaves.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 02:12:45 pm
LOL I know. Believe me I know. It takes a lot. Yeah I am still ADHD and what I find not interesting then screw it. UGH. Bipolar I know what it is but have never heard it put that way. One day you may be laser focused and manic even, the next day depressed. It used to be called manic depressive disorder but bipolar is easier to swallow.

Some medications will make you compulsive. Hey I bought my first truck on an impulse. My second too and hired a driver through close scrutiny. My third truck was an impulsive purchase too then it kept going. The ADHD well I was hyped about driving and owning more. Bipolar seems to be a common diagnosis these days. You are depressed and a little pissed off then a shrink will diagnose you as Bipolar. That is way easier than getting to the real problem of why you are depressed and pissed sometimes at the same time. It is when the ups get more polarized with the downs. In other word Mania and Depression on totally opposite scales.

So my dear Watson, get a second opinion. Check your medication because Cymbalta has been know to cause compulsory behavior as a side affect. What about Adderall? Am I the only one that reads the side effects for medication? If medication doesn't work totally correct then tell your doctor and then try something else. Different people react different ways to different medications.

Actually I am so sorry to have offended you so I will bow down and say good luck. I will reply no more here. Good luck amberwaves.
No i do not suffer from bipolar.  I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder the acronym is close.  I believe bipolar typically uses BP.  I am not on cymbalta.  The Adderall works well, but 36 years of poor life skills counteracts a lot of it.

I do not mean to drive you away.  You meant well, just caught me at the wrong time.  Sorry.

Officially I have lost my fight with being depressed for today.  This is exactly the no win scenario to finish let off for today.  I gripe, someone chimes in with a well intentioned, but poorly timed, and possibly tactfully oblivious, comment and I snap.  Now they feel bad.  So I get to feel like even more hell for hurting someone's feelings. 

Then i tried to enlighten my coworkers on something just to get completely blank stares and laughter.  This is why I don't have friends I am not like normal people.  I can't relate to them and they can't relate to me.  Eff being a genius it's a damn curse.  I already see the isolation happening to my 7 year old daughter.  She can't relate to her peers because she is on an entirely different level.  She too gets to suffer from ADHD. 

In my case throw in one hell of a personality disorder, a dysfunctional family, and gender issues and shake vigorously.  God it's a ulfin wonder I'm still here.  God knows I've tried to destroy myself enough over the years.  One day I may just succeed.

I'm going to drive home now and listen to very loud, very angry music.  Signing off for a while.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 05, 2018, 02:21:41 pm
Just stay away from the (C)Rap music.  Everything I hear it I want to do a drive-by.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 02:54:03 pm
Just stay away from the (C)Rap music.  Everything I hear it I want to do a drive-by.
Nope, punk music.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 05, 2018, 02:57:16 pm
Good, well at least you won't be doing any drive-bys!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 03:00:30 pm
Good, well at least you won't be doing any drive-bys!
Nope just wishing I could crash.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 05, 2018, 03:03:26 pm
Just be safe sweetie!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 05, 2018, 03:04:57 pm
Just be safe sweetie!
Don't worry about me. Im too stubborn and stupid to give up.  I must be an emotional masochist because it seems I like the pain.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 05, 2018, 03:22:25 pm
Don't worry about me. Im too stubborn and stupid to give up.  I must be an emotional masochist because it seems I like the pain.

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Sounds good!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on March 06, 2018, 01:11:00 pm
Look amber I am so sorry. I sounded so condescending and even like an <jerk> or bitch. Being either or has kept me alive so far.

We are not that much different and that attitude with calling me Sherlock? That is the attitude you should have all the time. I don't want to but have no problems telling someone to go "F" themselves and or flip them the bird. So get bad girl. Be a bitch if need be. There is need for you to apologize for me. I am still here and will still try my best to help if I can.

Believe me in that I know life sux sometimes. I spent almost a year eating two bologna sandwiches for supper. Looked fine as hell and weighed every bit of 120 pounds. Breakfast was coffee and crosstops when they were legal. Lunch was cigarettes and sitting outside drinking a Coke after 4 more crosstops. Someone always had a left handed cigarette too so.... The eighties ya' know. In case no one knows that is Ephedrine tablets.

Life is hard and it always will be. But with borderline personality disorder, and it used to be called MPD, let the more assertive one take control if need be. We all have different personalities and even ask any psychiatrist or psychologist. The only time it becomes a problem is when you are not aware of it so I really don't know how you were diagnosed with borderline personalities. Sybil was a true case but made into a movie. But borderline personality disorder? Yeah who don't get pissed in a heartbeat when something don't go right? If that is the AMA's definitions of personality  disorders then no wonder most people are walking around high on prescripted drugs. Don't hold it in. Let the bitch come out and believe me it is more healthy but maybe not so socially acceptable but it is better for you health and psychologically wise. Just like you did with me. Getting mad is not as unhealthy as holding the anger in. My doctor is surprised because I smoke and drink but my heart health is like a 25 year old's. Ok Maybe 30 year old's at 50. He was amazed. Could be genetics too but with my diet and smoking and drinking then I am suceptable too to other diseases but an ulcer or whatever else won't be one.

Girl, the only thing you can control in life is how you react to it. Just like being trans and having to need to let the woman rule or as a release of stress if you want to cross dress you can never live a lie for too long. It will have adverse effects psychologically and physically. Just like being mad and not letting it out. Not letting it loose is really unhealthy and causes health and psychological issues.

Look Amber always feel free to PM and cuss me as much as you want. I can take it and it really don't even make me mad even. I won't ever report you or anything else. There is nothing you could ever say that would insult me. Personally I would have used the term, "No Shirt, Shitlock." LOL. And yes I am a little pushy but I hope it let you get a little of the anger out. But when you are pissed and angry then voice it.

But then again I am different because even trans I was always the "bad girl". I was the one that was first in line for an undercut and or a short bob. I was always the first in line to dye my hair too. You have no need to apologize because I am the one that may have prodded a little too much. For that I am truly sorry so please forgive me for that. But you came back with a vengeance though.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 06, 2018, 03:14:49 pm
Look amber I am so sorry. I sounded so condescending and even like an <jerk> or bitch. Being either or has kept me alive so far.

We are not that much different and that attitude with calling me Sherlock? That is the attitude you should have all the time. I don't want to but have no problems telling someone to go "F" themselves and or flip them the bird. So get bad girl. Be a bitch if need be. There is need for you to apologize for me. I am still here and will still try my best to help if I can.

Believe me in that I know life sux sometimes. I spent almost a year eating two bologna sandwiches for supper. Looked fine as hell and weighed every bit of 120 pounds. Breakfast was coffee and crosstops when they were legal. Lunch was cigarettes and sitting outside drinking a Coke after 4 more crosstops. Someone always had a left handed cigarette too so.... The eighties ya' know. In case no one knows that is Ephedrine tablets.

Life is hard and it always will be. But with borderline personality disorder, and it used to be called MPD, let the more assertive one take control if need be. We all have different personalities and even ask any psychiatrist or psychologist. The only time it becomes a problem is when you are not aware of it so I really don't know how you were diagnosed with borderline personalities. Sybil was a true case but made into a movie. But borderline personality disorder? Yeah who don't get pissed in a heartbeat when something don't go right? If that is the AMA's definitions of personality  disorders then no wonder most people are walking around high on prescripted drugs. Don't hold it in. Let the bitch come out and believe me it is more healthy but maybe not so socially acceptable but it is better for you health and psychologically wise. Just like you did with me. Getting mad is not as unhealthy as holding the anger in. My doctor is surprised because I smoke and drink but my heart health is like a 25 year old's. Ok Maybe 30 year old's at 50. He was amazed. Could be genetics too but with my diet and smoking and drinking then I am suceptable too to other diseases but an ulcer or whatever else won't be one.

Girl, the only thing you can control in life is how you react to it. Just like being trans and having to need to let the woman rule or as a release of stress if you want to cross dress you can never live a lie for too long. It will have adverse effects psychologically and physically. Just like being mad and not letting it out. Not letting it loose is really unhealthy and causes health and psychological issues.

Look Amber always feel free to PM and cuss me as much as you want. I can take it and it really don't even make me mad even. I won't ever report you or anything else. There is nothing you could ever say that would insult me. Personally I would have used the term, "No Shirt, Shitlock." LOL. And yes I am a little pushy but I hope it let you get a little of the anger out. But when you are pissed and angry then voice it.

But then again I am different because even trans I was always the "bad girl". I was the one that was first in line for an undercut and or a short bob. I was always the first in line to dye my hair too. You have no need to apologize because I am the one that may have prodded a little too much. For that I am truly sorry so please forgive me for that. But you came back with a vengeance though.
Just a quick correction, no borderline personality disorder is and was not MPD or multiple personality disorder, which was renamed to Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Google is your friend.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 06, 2018, 06:43:31 pm
Google is a spy for british and canadian intelligence.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 07, 2018, 12:42:25 pm
Today is not so <poor> and despite wishing to wallow in my misery I'm in a good mood.  Stupid Adderall.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 07, 2018, 12:57:44 pm
Today is not so <poor> and despite wishing to wallow in my misery I'm in a good mood.  Stupid Adderall.

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Poor baby!  I'll get to work on my Witch Board to see if we can get your dander up, okay?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 08, 2018, 08:38:06 am
We've decided that despite getting screwed over we are still going to drive down to Harrisburg tomorrow evening to meet up with Michelle.  Can't spend a whole lot of money, but it'll be nice to actually go out for once.  Kind of excited to meet new people.  Maybe I can get someone to buy me drinks for once.  This woman thing has to be good for something, right?

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on March 08, 2018, 11:43:23 am
No google ain't quite as friendly as what you may think.

Actually we all have different personalities. Everyone, not just you. Yeah DPD used to be called MPD. But at work do you not have a different personality than at home and at home a different personality than with friends away from home? I know psychiatrists that don't think Borderline personality disorder is uncommon. Actually more normal than not. Our personality is what helps us function in varying social environments in the world and society. People have emotions and getting pissed is a more healthy emotion than not. Holding anger in is not that healthy and will lead to other problems later on. So being so nice and proper all the time is actually a health hazard but most office jobs require it. Good bosses and supervisors know this.

Actually to be completely honest I know what it is. I think it is totally normal. A lot of times when it comes to being trans, most of the therapists unless they are trans themselves can't explain it because most don't hold a degree in Psychology but rather counseling or whatever else with a passing knowledge of the human mind. If the mind is just a manifestation of the brain then there are a lot of things we can't explain. But when you see the brain as a physical manifestation of the mind then a lot can be explained yet not verified or proven beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Remember Google is your friend. The belief in reincarnation has been around a lot longer than the belief in one life redemption. I don't want to get spiritual or anything like that in your post but what if who you were born is not actually who you are on a much deeper level? There are actual psychologists with PHDs that have studied this and it is Taboo pretty much by the AMA and most if not all psychiatrists. Carl Jung if you read some of his works hinted at this too. Het we have Freudian slips. and Sigmund was know to partake a little especially with the COKE. They both worked together for a while until Jung thought the mind was deeper than just the brain.

I work close with a couple of psychiatrists yet I am mostly a parapsychologist and when all else fails they call me. There are a lot of things that can lead to paranoia, things that go bump in the night and so on. Sometimes medicine is the cure, sometimes it is not. When it is not they call me with the permission of their patients. I investigate everything from the history of where they reside to the geological locations to religious affiliations and so on. You would be surprised at how living close to a microwave tower can effect some people if they live within 500 yards of it. It is the same with wiring that was installed in the teens, 20's, 30s, and all the way up to new houses. A "Fear Cage" is a bitch. Even Poltergeist activity I have investigated and there is one common theme. Appx. 95 percent I can find an explanation for. But there is the other 5 percent that I can't explain other than the realm of parapsychological or paranormal.

Look it took a while to get to my point but this is it. Maybe we are more in tune with who we are aside from a physical being that has whatever between our legs. Maybe we are seeing something bigger than what we should be according to modern society. There are cultures that have and still accept us but they aren't Western now. Native American nations would accept us and even take us as wives. Other cultures have used us when it came to the masculinity and then when no longer needed cast us aside. There are cultures within India but the more Western they become, the more they are cast aside. Google it because this isn't something new. And yes ancient Rome had their fair share of gay sex but that is just physical sex though. In the case of Berdaches I have no idea if the men that would take them as wives had sex with them but they were wives of great warriors, Chiefs and were respected and loved just like any other wife or wives. now they are called "two spirit". No one Spirit in the wrong body but still accepted on a deeper level of who they truly were.

Just Google Berdache. They were here way before the white people ever set foot in the Americas. God gave Joan of Arc great qualities to save her/his people yet the Church when Joan was no longer needed "crucified" him/her.

When it comes to "two spirits" that is modern European Societal Norms connecting our Tue Spirits with hour bodies. I seriously doubt the native American people called us Berdaches because that sounds more like French language than Native American languages.

So... We are timeless. We have always been here. We will always be here. We are nothing new and just because we are trans should not be any big deal. Yet it is. It seems to be a big deal now even on Reservations. I used to deliver to a lot of reservations when it came to driving trucks. One company it was transformers for electricity and the other Slot machines. The ones with the slots especially in the east did not care or didn't even know because they were mostly white. One of the biggest reservations out west, the man unloading my transformers called the elders. They asked me to talk. OK? I love to talk. But they did not use the word Berdache though. I won't even say it. But actually I was their guest because it was getting rare for them. But I was treated with so much respect and with so much hospitality. They told me a lot of stuff but just don't see it anymore because of society now days. They were my last stop so I took days off to learn and tell them about me. I am 1/4 Cheyenne. Unfortunately I never heard any stories from my grandfather but his stories from my grandmother which was mostly English. Of course the younger generations could care less but the elders did care. They told me that I was always welcome there with them. But what is the big deal? Even with The People, if most of society won't accept me then why would the younger generations there accept me when they are listening to rap and hooked on drugs and I ain't talking peyote or crazy weed either.

There are so many cultures that have accepted and admired us throughout history little be known. In France, The UK, the eastern block countries, and so on since everyone thinks Europe is so grand, how many trans can live openly in that area? Since most Americans have Native American blood in them we can sort of. Baily, Kimber, Nicole and so on. Yes they have the whole ideal of sex behind them by most if not all that watch them. But what about Laverne Cox and Jazz Jennings and others liky you and me? No one watches them or us on porn sights so... We can still live openly though. I think most people get it even if they refuse to.

So never let anyone get you down. Don't even let life get you down. And never let someone else's' mind and small thinking get you down. You can always move to a more accepting area and do the same work.

If ever you get down, just always remember that you and we are all special and society is changing but it takes a little time and then there is always one "asswipe" that you will always have to put up with so don't let them have the satisfaction. Do exactly like you did with me and put me in my place.

Sorry for the long post but like you told me, Google what I told you too about history and cultures. We have been here since forever and will remain until the end of time. There is no need to let it get to you and affect you. That was easy to say but hard to do. I know. :embarrassed:
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 08, 2018, 02:46:01 pm
New hair color after a cut taken on a new phone.  New everything!  What do you think?

(http://i.imgur.com/bqqA5B6.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on March 08, 2018, 04:09:17 pm
New hair color after a cut taken on a new phone.  New everything!  What do you think?

(http://i.imgur.com/bqqA5B6.jpg)

You so remind me of a cousin of mine that I grew up with.

So what do I think Miss Amberwaves. Ok Ma'am.

So what is the big deal? You pass. I haven't seen your body yet but I know genetic women that can't pass as women even.

So what is making you so unhappy?

That is a question only you can answer. If it is your body, then only you can do anything about that. If it is your face? I see nothing wrong with it. You are pretty, and look like a woman.

So what is bringing you so down?

You do know the so called "Seven Year Itch" is not just a song. Most people don't realize it but they go through a change in personality every seven years. Most people don't even realize it if they are happy but they do change.

So maybe the answers now that you are feminine you need to answer on your own. I know children change the dynamics of a relationship but maybe send then to grandma's house and you and your wife experiment a little with guys and girls. maybe experiment a little amongst yourselves.

A lot of people see sex as shame with strict guidelines. Sex should be totally open between two people that love one another. There should be no shame or belittling between either party.

So what exactly are you asking? Your hair looks good but smoother would be better. Are you pretty? Yes you are. You have a nose like mine even.

Why do you ask for justification? You are pretty. With makeup even more so even. But what does your partner think? Is that the big question you are asking?

OMG just ban me now mods.

But... It is not what we think. It is way more about how good you feel about yourself and how your partner thinks about you. I will tell you right now I like the hair and the face and you are pretty and passable. But you seem to want more confirmation though.

So that begs me to ask who you are not getting confirmation from?

Yes I put my foot in my mouth again I know. Cuss me if you want. But everything about you screams AMBER. You may not think it but it is what I see. Sorry if I offended.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 08, 2018, 04:20:33 pm
Amber's gonna get carded for cigs.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on March 08, 2018, 04:24:50 pm
New hair color after a cut taken on a new phone.  New everything!  What do you think?

(http://i.imgur.com/bqqA5B6.jpg)

@ amberwaves.... certainly a new and bright hair color for you that can not be un-noticed!!!....  I also like your hair length!! but no pony tail or pig tails????
... and your picture... YES, YOU DEFINTELY PASS !!!
aspiringperson
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 08, 2018, 04:27:42 pm
Doesn't pass as an adult, where's your ID young lady?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on March 08, 2018, 04:35:17 pm
Doesn't pass as an adult, where's your ID young lady?

 @ Cassi: I agree with you,
I see a teenage girl named Amber.
aspiringperson
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 08, 2018, 04:50:11 pm
Okay I am just flat out confused now.  I didn't think that I was asking about whether I pass it not.  I know I pass, because I pass in my daily life.  I appreciate the confirmation on that though.  I put this up because I like the new shade and wanted to share.  Yes I am self conscious about my appearance, but so are many people.  A lifetime of being bullied and teased for your appearance will do that.  I dont think I am being more support needy than others.  There certainly are a few on this site that are quite narcissistic looking for compliments.

My wife does like the color, she's the one that did it.  I do get compliments at home.  I do get affection there too.  I could go back to not ever putting myself out there and posting about my life or posting pictures.  I have found people here that I enjoy sharing with.  Some of them even like to see my pictures.  I spent decades running from the camera.  I finally can take a good photo that doesn't disgust me.  I just don't know where this idea that I need confirmation of my passing or anything like that comes from.

As to other comments perhaps I'll address them later.  I've already discussed my revelations on my sexuality. Anyway, got stuff to accomplish. 

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 08, 2018, 05:40:56 pm
Okay I am just flat out confused now.  I didn't think that I was asking about whether I pass it not.  I know I pass, because I pass in my daily life.  I appreciate the confirmation on that though.  I put this up because I like the new shade and wanted to share.  Yes I am self conscious about my appearance, but so are many people.  A lifetime of being bullied and teased for your appearance will do that.  I dont think I am being more support needy than others.  There certainly are a few on this site that are quite narcissistic looking for compliments.

My wife does like the color, she's the one that did it.  I do get compliments at home.  I do get affection there too.  I could go back to not ever putting myself out there and posting about my life or posting pictures.  I have found people here that I enjoy sharing with.  Some of them even like to see my pictures.  I spent decades running from the camera.  I finally can take a good photo that doesn't disgust me.  I just don't know where this idea that I need confirmation of my passing or anything like that comes from.

As to other comments perhaps I'll address them later.  I've already discussed my revelations on my sexuality. Anyway, got stuff to accomplish. 

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Okay, Sweetheart!

You look absolutely marvelous!  However, for some reason the dye removed at least 15 years from you.  So, back to HS.

Anddddddddddddddddd, you look more like my wife #2, especially the blue eyes!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 08, 2018, 05:49:22 pm
Doesn't pass as an adult, where's your ID young lady?
@ Cassi: I agree with you,
I see a teenage girl named Amber.
aspiringperson
Nice, I erased the last two decades!  I've always looked younger than I am, but teenager?!?! 

Also, the hair isn't normally that puffy. The wind was whipping it up pretty good and blow drying it to see the color sooner didn't help either.

If I look like your ex then you ma'am have excellent taste.

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Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 08, 2018, 05:51:14 pm
Nice, I erased the last two decades!  I've always looked younger than I am, but teenager?!?! 

Also, the hair isn't normally that puffy. The wind was whipping it up pretty good and blow drying it to see the color sooner didn't help either.

If I look like your ex then you ma'am have excellent taste.

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Yes indeed young lady :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Aspiringperson on March 09, 2018, 11:48:32 am
snipped:
..... Okay I am just flat out confused now.  I didn't think that I was asking about whether I pass it not.  I know I pass, because I pass in my daily life.  I appreciate the confirmation on that though.
-----------------
..... I just don't know where this idea that I need confirmation of my passing or anything like that comes from.

@ amberwaves:   I know full well that when you posted your "wind blown" picture that you were NOT asking for confirmation if you passed or not.   My comment was purely my reaction to your hair color and your "young look" in that picture and that you would pass as an older teen. 
Nevertheless, whether you asked or not, isn't it nice to hear from others in a similar situation as a trans as you are that you unmistakably pass? 
Sorry if you felt uncomfortable with my comment....  I will zip my mouth now!!!
Best wishes,
aspiringperson
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 09, 2018, 12:26:10 pm


snipped:
@ amberwaves:   I know full well that when you posted your "wind blown" picture that you were NOT asking for confirmation if you passed or not.   My comment was purely my reaction to your hair color and your "young look" in that picture and that you would pass as an older teen. 
Nevertheless, whether you asked or not, isn't it nice to hear from others in a similar situation as a trans as you are that you unmistakably pass? 
Sorry if you felt uncomfortable with my comment....  I will zip my mouth now!!!
Best wishes,
aspiringperson

Oh you don't have to apologize or keep quiet.  I do appreciate the confirmation.  It was just weird because there are two comments in a row about it and I made me confused and self conscious.

I can't believe it makes me look THAT young.  I usually clock in around 28-30.  I love how it looks and my post certainly helps.  I have a hard time being objective about my appearance, especially in photos.  I see all the negatives.  I can point to positives, but my brain discounts them away.  I've had people tell me I was attractive as a guy, but I never saw it.  I see it in the mirror these days.  Honestly, I know that I am subjectively more attractive than a number of women I see shopping, but I have a hard time with that.  Like always rational awareness and believing something remain separate.

It still weirds me out to a degree that some people like and want to see my pictures.  I went through a similar reconciliation process when I realized I was passing all the time and it wasn't just people being nice.  Don't feel like you can't comment for fear of making me uncomfortable.  Honestly, I am a sucker for compliments and flattery will get you everywhere

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 09, 2018, 12:27:48 pm
Quit text'n and change your Avatar :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 09, 2018, 01:06:26 pm
Quit text'n and change your Avatar :)
Just so you know, I'm not your ex so you don't get to be so bossy with me
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 09, 2018, 01:14:22 pm
Just so you know, I'm not your ex so you don't get to be so bossy with me

LOL!!!!!  Avatar looks great!

No, she was the bossy one.  I was or use to be only bossy (in a nice way) when I had to at work!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 09, 2018, 08:00:19 pm
Well due to illness I didn't get to meet up with Michelle.  We decided to go down to Harrisburg anyway.  Hopefully we meet some nice people.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 09, 2018, 08:19:36 pm
There are nice people in Penn?
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 09, 2018, 08:47:22 pm
There are nice people in Penn?
They must be visitors
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 09, 2018, 09:39:44 pm
They must be visitors

Ya Got Me!  Good One!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 19, 2018, 11:00:19 am
Oh my goodness it's been a while since I've updated.  So much stuff.

I went to the dance at the keystone conference.  It's was so much fun.  We were supposed to meet up with someone from here, but they got sick and we didn't get to.  The wife and I still went down and had so much fun.  It was very surreal.  I am so used to being the only trans person that it was neat to get to talk and hang out with others.  There were actually a few instances where I wasn't even clocked.  So I guess I need to shut my transition and get over any insecurities there.  I dressed up in a nice dress (see the fabulous thread) and got so many compliments.  I guess I have to stop being insecure and accept the fact that I am pretty.

This past weekend we went to visit my friend and his family in Baltimore.  That was so awesome.  I haven't seen them in almost 2 years.  Their kids are getting so big.  We didn't do a whole lot there, but it was so nice to hang out.  My friend and I used to be roommates in college and have been friends since high school.  My transition was a complete non-issue for them.  My friend told me how happy I seem these days and how great that was.  I even got along with his wife.  Historically we haven't gotten along that well.  All changes for the better.

On the drive down we got to have dinner with a trans friend.  That was so great.  I wore this nice white dress I bought.  I always avoided white because it draws attention to you.  I managed to look look cute in it.  We had so much in common.  It's unusual for me to hit it off with someone so well.  We even got together for coffee on the return trip. I made a friend and the fact that they are a trans woman is a nice bonus.  It was such a nice weekend we didn't want it to end. My wife and I were only half joking when we said we should move down there.  We are both sick of the complete lack of everything in our area.  No idea how I could make it work, but gives me something to work towards.

(http://i.imgur.com/hdfp0Gp.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 19, 2018, 01:16:24 pm
Awesome!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 19, 2018, 02:52:02 pm
snipped:
Oh my goodness it's been a while since I've updated.  So much stuff.
- - - - -. 
I dressed up in a nice dress (see the fabulous thread) and got so many compliments.  I guess I have to stop being insecure and accept the fact that I am pretty.
 - - - - -
 My transition was a complete non-issue for them.  My friend told me how happy I seem these days and how great that was.  I even got along with his wife.  Historically we haven't gotten along that well.  All changes for the better.
- - - - -
I wore this nice white dress I bought.  I always avoided white because it draws attention to you.  I managed to look look cute in it.
- - - - -
(http://i.imgur.com/hdfp0Gp.jpg)

Amber: 
YES, it has been a while, many thanks for posting your latest update and your new photo.

YES, you really look pretty in your pictures and the picture of you in that new nice white dress... 
...yes, and I do agree, you do look very cute in it. ... and really like how you are wearing your hair.

It is so very wonderful that you are getting along so well with your wife and with your friend and his wife....  that can be a difficult achievement for many that are transitioning....  count yourself very fortunate.

Hugs, and best wishes to you.
Danielle

 *** Note:  Next time you post a great photo like that please get your cell phone away from your pretty face so we can all admire it!!!

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 28, 2018, 02:39:50 pm
I've noticed that when things are going well I don't tend to update very much.  Im usually just busy living a rather dull life.  One thing that I find interesting is that when interacting with people online I must be kind of <poor> at it.  It seems so hard to keep a conversation going and I don't usually get much response or much of anything.  Not sure why.  I'm really chatty in real life.

Bought a new dress of the clearance rack.  I am definitely getting to the point where I don't give a <poo> about what others think.  I spent so long worrying that I was over dressed or silly things like that.  Now I'm going to look fabulous and not give a darn.  I have another dress I got at the same time.  I don't have a picture of it yet, but I wore it out over the weekend and even had a beefy waiter check me out .  Yay confidence boost.

(http://i.imgur.com/5MYMv6B.jpg)

This time the phone is not in my face .  Someday I'll get both the phone placement and a smile right in the same photo.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 28, 2018, 03:14:44 pm
I've noticed that when things are going well I don't tend to update very much.  Im usually just busy living a rather dull life.  One thing that I find interesting is that when interacting with people online I must be kind of <poor> at it.  It seems so hard to keep a conversation going and I don't usually get much response or much of anything.  Not sure why.  I'm really chatty in real life.

Bought a new dress of the clearance rack.  I am definitely getting to the point where I don't give a <poo> about what others think.  I spent so long worrying that I was over dressed or silly things like that.  Now I'm going to look fabulous and not give a darn.  I have another dress I got at the same time.  I don't have a picture of it yet, but I wore it out over the weekend and even had a beefy waiter check me out .  Yay confidence boost.

(http://i.imgur.com/5MYMv6B.jpg)

This time the phone is not in my face .  Someday I'll get both the phone placement and a smile right in the same photo.

Amberwaves:  Who is that redheaded teen age girl that picture?  ???....    you look great, beautiful and lovely and .....  and thanks for following my suggestion to keep the phone camera out from in front of your face... you have a very nice face so don't hide it!!!  I love how you fixed your hair in pigtails, and the outfit and your strappy shoes look great on you..... you are very pretty for sure.
Oh and being overdressed is so much better than showing up somewhere under-dressed for the occasion.

Oh, by the way, What are you talking about?  I do not think that you are "<poor>" about interacting and communicating with people online... at least on here I enjoy exchanging comments and PMs with you.   You get lots of responses from a lot of members on here...   ... and you get responses all the time from me!!!!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I enjoy your updates on here, please keep them coming.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 28, 2018, 05:02:02 pm


Amberwaves:  Who is that redheaded teen age girl that picture?  ???....    you look great, beautiful and lovely and .....  and thanks for following my suggestion to keep the phone camera out from in front of your face... you have a very nice face so don't hide it!!!  I love how you fixed your hair in pigtails, and the outfit and your strappy shoes look great on you..... you are very pretty for sure.
Oh and being overdressed is so much better than showing up somewhere under-dressed for the occasion.

Oh, by the way, What are you talking about?  I do not think that you are "<poor>" about interacting and communicating with people online... at least on here I enjoy exchanging comments and PMs with you.   You get lots of responses from a lot of members on here...   ... and you get responses all the time from me!!!!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I enjoy your updates on here, please keep them coming.
Hugs,
Danielle

I didn't think I was being hard on myself (for once).  Maybe <poor> is an exaggeration.  I also want really thinking about this thread in particular.  There seem to be a few of you who enjoy participating in the discussion.  In other threads thought it seems my input is not acknowledged.  It's probably just me, but it feels that way sometimes.  That's probably why I prefer taking in person with people.  That and text doesn't convey the bouncy energy I typically speak with.

Thank you for the compliments.  I am coming to grips with being pretty.  My brain is starting to accept it, but sometimes I just don't see it.  It still staggers me that I can be attractive even though I am still almost 220 lbs.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 28, 2018, 05:15:30 pm

I didn't think I was being hard on myself (for once).  Maybe <poor> is an exaggeration.  I also want really thinking about this thread in particular.  There seem to be a few of you who enjoy participating in the discussion.  In other threads thought it seems my input is not acknowledged.  It's probably just me, but it feels that way sometimes.  That's probably why I prefer taking in person with people.  That and text doesn't convey the bouncy energy I typically speak with.

Thank you for the compliments.  I am coming to grips with being pretty.  My brain is starting to accept it, but sometimes I just don't see it.  It still staggers me that I can be attractive even though I am still almost 220 lbs.

@ Amberwaves:
It is just human nature that we are drawn to communicate and interface with certain ones that we feel compatible with and have a connection with.   I feel that way about you and quite a few others on here... so if I see threads that have those kinds of members on them and with subjects that fit my personality, I am there posting replies and getting involved.   

I do post and try to participate in other threads that for whatever reason I do not get a lot of interaction with....  it could be that my life experience and my transition experience doesn't click with some others, and that is OK... or perhaps they don't like my thoughts and replies.... and perhaps they don't like my picture.   In real life we can be attracted to someone that another may not find attractive... that is the way it has always been... human nature.

All of this is exactly the same as goes on in real life... there are those that we don't go out of our way to socialize with and there are others that we absolutely like to be with often. 

Please don't read too deeply into the lack of responses in other threads ...  spend more of your posting effort in areas that you feel a connection with.... subject, topic, members that participate, reply content, etc.  .... again, just like real life associations.

Yes, please come to grips with considering yourself pretty.... you really are.

Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on March 28, 2018, 05:22:10 pm
Pretty dress you look nice!!
I feel the same way sometimes with not getting any response sometimes but then I get distracted by posting somewhere else anyway lol
Let's not hear from you so we know you're doing well!! I think that'll be the case for me too but 6 months hrt isn't really my prime time right now lol

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 28, 2018, 05:34:59 pm
Pretty dress you look nice!!
I feel the same way sometimes with not getting any response sometimes but then I get distracted by posting somewhere else anyway lol
Let's not hear from you so we know you're doing well!! I think that'll be the case for me too but 6 months hrt isn't really my prime time right now lol

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Allison
... and Amberwaves:

No, No, No..
.. please do not crawl into a cave and not let us hear from you.   We want to hear from you.

Obviously you can consider these threads and your comments a kind of a personal journal.  I find that when I down and not feeling good about myself and not happy with my circumstances that writing about it (privately if that makes you more comfortable) is a good way to process all of that... personal mental therapy without a bill from the therapist!!!

For me at less than one year of HRT, my life and my body changes did have ups and downs... in my 2nd year things got a whole lot better and significant body changes appeared...  then during my 3rd year, my face, my boobs and my curves became well defined as a female.   As is always mentioned here, many times by me, HRT usually doesn't make things happen quickly, or at least as quickly as we all want it to happen.  Every Body reacts in it's own unique time frame to HRT... what you read about other's experiences with HRT may not be what goes on in your body. 
"Patience is Required"   
As humans, we usually want it all and we want it now!!!!! ... and that doesn't happen often.

I am always looking forward to both of your transition updates... please keep posting.
Hugs to both of you,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 28, 2018, 05:47:25 pm

Pretty dress you look nice!!
I feel the same way sometimes with not getting any response sometimes but then I get distracted by posting somewhere else anyway lol
Let's not hear from you so we know you're doing well!! I think that'll be the case for me too but 6 months hrt isn't really my prime time right now lol

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Physically I was pleased by the 6 month mark.  Take my results with a grain of salt.  My boobs had already taken if, my skin was soft, and my face was progressing nicely (I started with some curviness anyway).  The emotional changes took the longest and were the most subtle for me.  Unfortunately it was the mental changes that I want most interested in.  I can't recall what month I suddenly realized I was happy, but I know I was far less miserable around the 5 to 6 range.  I know by about a year into it I was barely recognizable as the person I used to be, both physically and emotionally.  You'll get there.

I don't intend to hide in a cave.  I was just observing that I seen to post less when things are well.  I think about posting, but I usually end up putting it off in lieu of other things.  I should get better about that.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 31, 2018, 07:31:24 am
Not a good last two days. The next to don't look much better.  I need a new job.  Sick of feeling like <poo> because of this place and my overwhelming underachievement.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on March 31, 2018, 03:28:09 pm
Not a good last two days. The next to don't look much better.  I need a new job.  Sick of feeling like <poo> because of this place and my overwhelming underachievement.

Sorry your having a bad time of it these past couple of days.  Hope things improve!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 01, 2018, 08:21:52 am
Not a good last two days. The next to don't look much better.  I need a new job.  Sick of feeling like <poo> because of this place and my overwhelming underachievement.

@ amberwaves:  So very sorry to hear that you are having some bad days.
 
My free and unsolicited advice:
  Don't quit your job BEFORE getting another one.  A job applicant is always much more attractive to a future employer if they already have a job, even if it is a bad job that you want to leave.

Hopefully today, Easter Sunday, will be a much better day for you...  Easter dinner? Ham? Turkey?

Looking for your update about your day!!!  ... and good luck to you finding your new job soon, hopefully.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 01, 2018, 11:12:34 am
@ amberwaves:  So very sorry to hear that you are having some bad days.
 
My free and unsolicited advice:
  Don't quit your job BEFORE getting another one.  A job applicant is always much more attractive to a future employer if they already have a job, even if it is a bad job that you want to leave.

Hopefully today, Easter Sunday, will be a much better day for you...  Easter dinner? Ham? Turkey?

Looking for your update about your day!!!  ... and good luck to you finding your new job soon, hopefully.
Hugs,
Danielle
Trust me I don't plan on just quitting.  I couldn't afford to.

I wish I could tell you today is better, but it would be a lie.  Even though the store is not busy I have tons of freight to put away.  My coworker is completely worthless and I have done about 90% of the work.  The only reason I am bussing a$$ is because if it doesn't get done I will be even more screwed over tomorrow morning. It's still a question mark whether the cooler will be here since he called off yesterday.

We don't really celebrate Easter.  The only thing will be having the kids hunt some Easter eggs around the house.

I've already started perusing what jobs are it there at the moment.  This time I am less geographically limited since neither me nor my wife care if we have to move anymore.  The there's that bind us here are finally broken.  This is a good thing since this area send infected with a slow rot and zero opportunity.  It's been that way for years, but she had very strong familial ties.  Those are severed so now maybe we can make forward steps instead of sideways ones.

Thanks for the support.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on April 01, 2018, 11:37:38 am
Trust me I don't plan on just quitting.  I couldn't afford to.

I wish I could tell you today is better, but it would be a lie.  Even though the store is not busy I have tons of freight to put away.  My coworker is completely worthless and I have done about 90% of the work.  The only reason I am bussing a$$ is because if it doesn't get done I will be even more screwed over tomorrow morning. It's still a question mark whether the cooler will be here since he called off yesterday.

We don't really celebrate Easter.  The only thing will be having the kids hunt some Easter eggs around the house.

I've already started perusing what jobs are it there at the moment.  This time I am less geographically limited since neither me nor my wife care if we have to move anymore.  The there's that bind us here are finally broken.  This is a good thing since this area send infected with a slow rot and zero opportunity.  It's been that way for years, but she had very strong familial ties.  Those are severed so now maybe we can make forward steps instead of sideways ones.

Thanks for the support.

Amber, things will get better!  So proud of you right now.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 02, 2018, 10:29:24 am
Amber, things will get better!  So proud of you right now.
Proud of me for what?  I'm pretty things aren't going to get better until I get out of here.  As it stands today is worse than yesterday because life decided I must've had it too easy the past few days.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on April 02, 2018, 11:02:58 am
Proud of me for what?  I'm pretty things aren't going to get better until I get out of here.  As it stands today is worse than yesterday because life decided I must've had it too easy the past few days.

I think you've come a long way since the first time I read or responded to your threads.  There use to be an old saying "<poo> Happens".  It's sooooooooooooooooo true and then of course there's that Jerk named Murphy who's law screws everything up. 

I've been through some horrendous <poo> in my life and most passes with time.  Looking back now, it's a blurry memory.  Things happen for a reason, why, I don't the hell know but they do and something else comes along and makes things better!

Also, there's a little secret to share.  When things are going rough, smile a lot.  It freaks people out because they'll think you know something they don't :
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on April 02, 2018, 11:23:55 am
I can only imagine how stressful relocating a family is. There's really no certainity in it and that's scary. It's a good thing that you and your wife can rely on each other. From the sound of it, almost anywhere you do decide to move to will have more oppurtnities. That's a really good mindset to start with

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 02, 2018, 12:46:35 pm
I can only imagine how stressful relocating a family is. There's really no certainity in it and that's scary. It's a good thing that you and your wife can rely on each other. From the sound of it, almost anywhere you do decide to move to will have more oppurtnities. That's a really good mindset to start with

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
My mindset is not nearly as positive as what I portray here.  This goes through an editing from my rational mind before hitting post.  It is true that most places will have better opportunity than here.  The kids won't b be happy about moving, particularly my 5 (omg she turns 6 in less than two weeks) year old.  They are young and they will adapt when it does happen.  They are too young to know that we live in the butt crack of pennsytucky.  I would like to say that I'm optimistic, but I've played this game before, multiple times (at least when I was single), and historically things tend not to pan out.

Sorry, I'm a bit of a downer today.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassi on April 02, 2018, 01:58:07 pm
I still think you're doing awesomely. 

Fortunately, I'm at that stage where I don't have to worry about a job and if I want to work I can and I don't I won't. 

My daughter who has two jobs, one full 38 or 40 a week, and the other 12 or 14, gets upset with me and says that I bring in more money than she does and don't even work. 

I have to sometimes remind her that I worked for over 50 years and like the old McDonald's commercial use to say "You Deserve A Break Today....."

Aside from military service and occasional "Special" assignments, I lived and worked in California up until 2013.  My 4 years in Texas was the longest out of that state so far.  Every state has its good and bad points.  Texas and Nevada have no personal income tax so each year it's fed filing only.  Nevada, taxes some medical/vision devices which shocked the hell out of me.  California is great if you have a bunch of kids and don't want to work.  Not so much for those supporting the tax base but it's okay because of what's apparently put in the drinking water. :)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on April 02, 2018, 04:24:41 pm
I've noticed that when things are going well I don't tend to update very much.  Im usually just busy living a rather dull life.  One thing that I find interesting is that when interacting with people online I must be kind of <poor> at it.  It seems so hard to keep a conversation going and I don't usually get much response or much of anything.  Not sure why.  I'm really chatty in real life.

Bought a new dress of the clearance rack.  I am definitely getting to the point where I don't give a <poo> about what others think.  I spent so long worrying that I was over dressed or silly things like that.  Now I'm going to look fabulous and not give a darn.  I have another dress I got at the same time.  I don't have a picture of it yet, but I wore it out over the weekend and even had a beefy waiter check me out .  Yay confidence boost.

(http://i.imgur.com/5MYMv6B.jpg)

This time the phone is not in my face .  Someday I'll get both the phone placement and a smile right in the same photo.

No wonder the waiter was checking you out. Lookin' good girl.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 03, 2018, 07:57:39 am
No wonder the waiter was checking you out. Lookin' good girl.
Thank you.  I finally feel pretty good about how I look most of the time.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Jenntrans on April 03, 2018, 02:33:58 pm
Thank you.  I finally feel pretty good about how I look most of the time.

You should because that pick in the dress was bad ass. Hell I like your avatar pick because I like bangs myself. No need to eat your own hair. ;) I tried growing mine out once and it sucked. Plus never underestimate the femininity of bangs or a fringe.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 03, 2018, 05:38:45 pm
Thank you.  I finally feel pretty good about how I look most of the time.

@ amberwaves:  Well, there is no question in my mind why you would not feel pretty good ... and pretty... about how you appear to others.   
Your hair does it for me !!!!   Perhaps I will become a redhead one of these days.

You should please post with how your transitioning is progressing... you look terrific for sure.

Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 03, 2018, 06:32:50 pm
@ amberwaves:  Well, there is no question in my mind why you would not feel pretty good ... and pretty... about how you appear to others.   
Your hair does it for me !!!!   Perhaps I will become a redhead one of these days.

You should be please with how your transitioning is progressing... you look terrific for sure.

Hugs,
Danielle
Well the whole liking what I look like thing is still pretty new to me after thirty-odd years of hating my appearance.

With your complexion I think you would do better with some red highlights rather than full red if you were so inclined.  I got lucky to be able to pull off such bold shades. I wish this were my natural color, but alas we can't have everything.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Sonja on April 03, 2018, 07:38:45 pm

(http://i.imgur.com/hdfp0Gp.jpg)
Amber - you look beautiful in this dress!!

Sonja.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 04, 2018, 10:15:53 am
Amber - you look beautiful in this dress!!

Sonja.
Aww thank you.  You can't see it but I had white stockings on with it and it just makes it look adorable.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 07, 2018, 11:43:18 am
Quick update.  It's been a decent past few days.  Had some down spells, but nothing too terrible.  Over been exhausted the last few days, not really sure why though. Hopefully that passed soon.  I seen to have gained back about 5 pounds which is not a good thing.  I still have about 20 to lose by the August so I'll have to actually get off my butt and exercise.  Mostly the gain is due to really pre eating habits lately.  I find I've been binging a bit lately due to stress.  It's not the end of the world, but I need to be better about things.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on April 07, 2018, 02:16:38 pm
Quick update.  It's been a decent past few days.  Had some down spells, but nothing too terrible.  Over been exhausted the last few days, not really sure why though. Hopefully that passed soon.  I seen to have gained back about 5 pounds which is not a good thing.  I still have about 20 to lose by the August so I'll have to actually get off my butt and exercise.  Mostly the gain is due to really pre eating habits lately.  I find I've been binging a bit lately due to stress.  It's not the end of the world, but I need to be better about things.

I'm starting to feel like weight loss is harder than transitioning. ;X I have been just completely plateaued for a while now, I dropped down once weighing but I've decided that was water weight after starting HRT and peeing so much. I don't think I've lost a pound on balance in months, might have to shift to trying something new like Keto but I realllllllllllly don't want to. ;D
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 07, 2018, 02:54:54 pm
I'm starting to feel like weight loss is harder than transitioning. ;X I have been just completely plateaued for a while now, I dropped down once weighing but I've decided that was water weight after starting HRT and peeing so much. I don't think I've lost a pound on balance in months, might have to shift to trying something new like Keto but I realllllllllllly don't want to. ;D
Honestly, it IS harder.  I was on a roll for a few months there shedding about 45 pounds over a few months.  I've always been heavier than I should be.  Luckily I carry the weight really well, but the Dr isn't going to care about that fact if I want surgery.  I'll get there, just have to knuckle down.  You'll get there too girl.  I believe in you
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 10, 2018, 03:05:59 pm
Quick update.  It's been a decent past few days.  Had some down spells, but nothing too terrible.  Over been exhausted the last few days, not really sure why though. Hopefully that passed soon.  I seen to have gained back about 5 pounds which is not a good thing.  I still have about 20 to lose by the August so I'll have to actually get off my butt and exercise.  Mostly the gain is due to really pre eating habits lately.  I find I've been binging a bit lately due to stress.  It's not the end of the world, but I need to be better about things.

@ Amber: 
You have been somewhat more silent on here than usual...
I have been waiting most impatiently for your latest updates and I miss following your most recent happenings in your life about everything going on in your transition progress and with other matters that you have mentioned from time to time in various postings.
Curious minds want to know.   Oh, and pictures are ALWAYS welcomed.

Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 10, 2018, 03:14:00 pm
@ Amber: 
You have been somewhat more silent on here than usual...
I have been waiting most impatiently for your latest updates and I miss following your most recent happenings in your life about everything going on in your transition progress and with other matters that you have mentioned from time to time in various postings.
Curious minds want to know.   Oh, and pictures are ALWAYS welcomed.

Hugs,
Danielle
No picture but update soon.  Have a lot to sort out in my brain first.  Also, not sure what I wish to share vs not. Thanks for checking in
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 11, 2018, 05:00:33 pm
Full update coming later for now here's a selfie.  I know I've down this outfit before, but it's really cute and I actually have cleavage
(http://i.imgur.com/c3Yr5mJ.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 11, 2018, 05:38:59 pm
Full update coming later for now here's a selfie.  I know I've down this outfit before, but it's really cute and I actually have cleavage
(http://i.imgur.com/c3Yr5mJ.jpg)

@ Amber:
  Not only a very cute outfit but you look very pretty in it!   Your hair and details like your necklace and makeup... and a very nice and inviting smile....   VERY VERY NICE and you are a pretty young woman for sure.
Thank you for treating all of us to your selfie.... and I, for one, will be waiting quite impatiently for you full update.
Hugs, and more Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 11, 2018, 05:41:09 pm

@ Amber:
  Not only a very cute outfit but you look very pretty in it!   Your hair and details like your necklace and makeup... and a very nice and inviting smile....   VERY VERY NICE and you are a pretty young woman for sure.
Thank you for treating all of us to your selfie.... and I, for one, will be waiting quite impatiently for you full update.
Hugs, and more Hugs,
Danielle
I think this may be the first time any of you have seen my teeth lol
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 11, 2018, 05:49:48 pm
I think this may be the first time any of you have seen my teeth lol

.... and very nice teeth they are....     if one is comfortable with thier teeth showing them in a big and beautiful smile is very alluring and contributes to one's self-assurance and self-confidence.

Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 11, 2018, 06:00:13 pm
.... and very nice teeth they are....     if one is comfortable with thier teeth showing them in a big and beautiful smile is very alluring and contributes to one's self-assurance and self-confidence.

Danielle
Well I do smile that way in real life but just never seem to catch it in a photo because it always looked forced. Even the big smiles are a relatively new thing over the past two years.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 12, 2018, 09:43:05 am
Okay so I guess it's time to sit down and actually write this update.  It's been a really interesting last few days.  Amazingly the last week at work has been really good and almost completely stress free.  I'm not entirely sure how or why, but I can't complain.

The thought that I will be having GCS is starting to become more real to me.  Before, my consult was so darn far away that I it was more of an "oh yeah, that will happen eventually" thing.  Now, it suddenly doesn't seem that far a way and it's become more of an "oh <poo>, that's totally going to happen" sort of thing.  I did the math and realized that I have 16 weeks until my consult.  This all comes about because I realized next week is my first session having the hair on my nads zapped.  I am not particularly looking forward to this.  I will be fine and, god knows, I've put myself into plenty of uncomfortable situations before, but that doesn't mean I have to like it  :D.  At least this session I'll be able to talk with my technician without having to mumble and keep my lips still.  Surprisingly, the sheer act of having to shave the region 5 days before is very annoying to me.  I did that once in the past and it's so darn tooting hard to do, plus i have incredibly sensitive skin so i expect tons of irritation.

Unfortunately, I still have 25 lbs to lose.  While, I do not have to be under the BMI requirement in order to have my consult it will delay scheduling of the surgery.  Therefore, I fully intend to be at or under that weight.  I have been incredibly poor with my eating habits and procrastinating on exercising for the last 2 or 3 months.  I haven't really put much back on (~5 pounds), but it was time that i could have used more productively.  Like most other things in life I procrastinate and then put forth herculean effort to make it happen.

I do have a plan that will be fairly uncomfortable and likely not the rational way to deal with things, but it will work.  As of Monday I am now on a ketogenic diet.  I have done keto before and it is effective, but I don't particularly care for it because it requires so much food prep to do in a healthy way and I am <poor> with planning and preparation.  I do miss some of the food options, but it's not that bad and I enjoy 90% of the things I can eat.  The last time I went keto was back in 2014.  I managed to lose 30 pounds with a combination of diet and exercise over the course of 4 months.  So I know what I am getting into.  That being said the first few days have some new curve balls.  I did not get the "keto flu" before and I doubt I will this time either.  At the begining the body sheds tons of water as it depletes glycogen stores.  This is why people who do keto typically lose lots of weight in the first week or two.  Since Monday I am down 6 pounds (all water weight).  Unfortunately, I am also on a diuretic (Spiro) this time around.  Knowing this I have been ensuring to maintain proper hydration.  This has meant that I have been waking up to pee 4ish times per night.  That is amazingly annoying and I have some newfound respect for my wife when she was pregnant  ;D

The other aspect of this involves exercise.  I will be doing P90x again.  I've done the program before.  This time however my goals are much more on weight loss and toning so the resistance will be lower than I historically opted for.  In addition to p90x I'll be doubling up on the cardio and adding a good bit of stretching and some pilates (still working on figuring out what will be done each day).  It sounds intense, and I suppose it is, but it's also not unual for me to go all in in and make results happen.  I don't intend to stop once I acheive my BMI requirement.  I would love to drop an additional 30 beyond that and get down to my weight when I left boot camp.  In the photo I have from that I almost looked emaciated because my face was so skinny, but this time with hormones I don't think that will be quite as drastic.  I absolutely hate that photo, but I will dig it up sometime and post it.

In the meantime here is an old picture of me from before.  Please excuse my complexion in the photo, I was so absolutely massively sunburned from the day before.
(http://i.imgur.com/WaXizch.jpg)

Now on Tuesday I was in a really weird and overly emotional mood.  I finally pinned down why around lunchtime.  On Sunday I bought a <poo> tons of groceries after work.  I ended up having an encounter with a girl that I used to be friends with.  Some of you long time followers may remember this girl.  I went back through this thread and was shocked to find it took going back to reply #20 ( late October) to find where that situation was brought up.  We had the chance to talk for longer than a minute or two.  For the first time in months since things fell apart It was pleasant and nice and we got to catch up a little bit.  My brain had been using all of it's spare cycles dwelling on this and how much I've missed her.  I legitimately thought about her almost every single day.  I finally broke down and sent her a message asking if we could be friends again and that I've really missed her.  To my amazement she responded that she has missed our friendship as well and would be willing to give it another shot.  I got to spend the rest of the day feeling terrible because as if everything bad had already happened and our friendship broke again.  It took me until yesterday morning to get out of that rut.  I had therapy yesterday and it was fun to bring that subject up.  I can't say my therapist is not concerned, but is definitely looking to use this opportunity for me to implement a lot of the skills and growth that I have undergone over the past few months.  I don't know if it will be a good thing or a bad thing to reengage our friendship, but a thing it is and we shall see how things play out.

So now eveyone can be up to date on whats been going on in my life lately.  Now I'm going to go back to camping Danielle's thread because her love life is way, way more interesting than mine.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on April 12, 2018, 10:07:55 am
Glad to hear an update! :) With your friend just remember: Your happiness and sanity come first.

I might be joining you on that grudging keto diet soon, my current plateau is really annoying me.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 12, 2018, 10:12:24 am
Glad to hear an update! :) With your friend just remember: Your happiness and sanity come first.

I might be joining you on that grudging keto diet soon, my current plateau is really annoying me.
Yeah my therapist and I had a long talk about it.  I may be a glutton for punishment, but I really miss her and talking with her the other day just felt right.  Staying away had been painful, so might as well see if the third time's a charm and we can make it work out.  I told my wife and she just said that if it ends badly again and I get that urge she will gladly smack my patties for me.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 12, 2018, 10:46:25 am
@ Amber:  Thank you for posting your much awaited update....  you covered a lot of ground with what has been going on in your life....  it was not only an interesting update for all of us to read but it was also good therapy for you to put all those feelings down on paper.... oh, I mean on the Forum. 
I have mentioned before that I like to write things out so I can sort them out in my life...  for my personal use, I like the pen and paper journal that I keep.... kind of an extension of the Diary concept.   At times, good or bad times, it is nice to be able to sit down and read some of the entrees and see where I have been and consider where I am going with my life.

Oh, your "before" photo that you posted....  it is absolutely unbelievable it was you as a male.... you look so very feminine and pretty as a woman now...  especially when you smile.

Regarding your "old" friend that you were upset about... I am glad that you talked to your therapist about it and got out of the emotional rut that you were in....   it is better to put bad things behind us and to have good things begin to happen in our life and set positive goals.   

OH, and your new diet and weight loss..... wishing you well with that, it takes willpower and determination to achieve things like that....

Again, Amber, thank you for your update.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 14, 2018, 11:36:51 am
Well the diet isn't really hard to stick to.  Laziness is my friend on this one.  Everything requires preparation so I can't just snack mindlessly.  As expected there has been no"keto flu" though my energy levels are down a bit until my body adjusts.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous here and I wish I had the time to take a walk.  Unfortunately I have so much to get done for tomorrow.  I need to invest in some sunblock particularly for my face.  If you think my complexion is reddish now, well you haven't seen nothing.

So I have had a couple encounters with my friend and things seem pretty copacetic so far.  I'm waiting to get the opportunity to talk for more than 5 minutes with her.  Honestly, it's nice to not feel like I have to guard my feelings around her and to see her smile a genuine smile to see me rather than that forced fake one I've seen the last few months.  I don't know how this story will play it, but so far, so good.

As for my before picture it is rather staggering to see who I used to be.  I was so unhappy all the time.  From the age of 5 ish I don't think I have seen a single photo where a smile reached my eyes.  Do you understand now why I say I'm in disguise in my own life and people who knew me just walk past and don't recognize me.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on April 16, 2018, 07:12:04 pm
Wow Amber, hard to believe that before picture Hon! What a difference! Glad to hear you are giving the friend another go. Haven't posted here for a while, sorry. You definitely seem to have come to a different place. By different, I mean better. So good to see.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 17, 2018, 07:51:29 am
Wow Amber, hard to believe that before picture Hon! What a difference! Glad to hear you are giving the friend another go. Haven't posted here for a while, sorry. You definitely seem to have come to a different place. By different, I mean better. So good to see.
Moni
I have noticed you have been really quiet lately.  I figured you must be busy living life.  Thanks for popping in

I do get a giggle it of people's reaction to before pictures.  It doesn't help folks that I had a very brief in between phase and I haven't posted many photos except recently so yes it does seem rather dramatic.

I'm not sure if it wise to rekindle the friendship.  So far so good I suppose. We haven't intereacted much and I suspect there will be a good bit of awkwardness for a little while.  As for coming from a different place, I guess the last few months haven't been entirely in vain.  Like always I am progressing slowly towards becoming a better person, as I suspect most of us are.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 17, 2018, 09:26:04 pm
I have noticed you have been really quiet lately.  I figured you must be busy living life.  Thanks for popping in

I do get a giggle it of people's reaction to before pictures.  It doesn't help folks that I had a very brief in between phase and I haven't posted many photos except recently so yes it does seem rather dramatic.

I'm not sure if it wise to rekindle the friendship.  So far so good I suppose. We haven't intereacted much and I suspect there will be a good bit of awkwardness for a little while.  As for coming from a different place, I guess the last few months haven't been entirely in vain. Like always I am progressing slowly towards becoming a better person, as I suspect most of us are.

Yes indeed, Amber, very dramatic body changes... definitely a big change for the better.... you have become a beautiful and pretty woman for sure.

Regarding the friendship you mention... if you do rekindle the friendship, I suggest "slow and careful"

YES, as you correctly stated, I would also hope that all of us are continually progressing to become a better person... we have a chance to basically start over in a new body (at least in appearance) so perhaps we can more easily mold and shape what we want to become...  because the past is the past.

Please continue with your updates ...and pictures are good whenever you feel that you want to post them.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 18, 2018, 05:27:34 pm


Yes indeed, Amber, very dramatic body changes... definitely a big change for the better.... you have become a beautiful and pretty woman for sure.

Regarding the friendship you mention... if you do rekindle the friendship, I suggest "slow and careful"

YES, as you correctly stated, I would also hope that all of us are continually progressing to become a better person... we have a chance to basically start over in a new body (at least in appearance) so perhaps we can more easily mold and shape what we want to become...  because the past is the past.

Please continue with your updates ...and pictures are good whenever you feel that you want to post them.
Hugs,
Danielle

Thank you.  I'm still working on my beauty but it's getting better all the time.

I definitely got the chance to start over as a new me physically.  Unfortunately, I brought a lot of baggage from my old self emotionally.  I will likely spend the rest of my life working on these things, but that is the way things go sometimes.  At least I'm willing to address these flaws.  So many fail to even recognize problems let alone put the work in to overcome them.

About my friend, I have been discussing the matter heavily today and last week.  We are meeting to catch up on Friday afternoon.  I'm excited to get the chance to talk outside of work.  Things may fall apart, or they may not.  In either case it won't be Friday.  For now, I'mm just glad to have another shot.  It was miserable to leave things the way they were.

Your picture with is granted in the fabulous thread, though it's not a great picture, the outfit is cute though.

Tomorrow I have my first session of zapping on my nethers.  That should be...interesting.  I have a high pain tolerance and dealt with electrolysis on my face like nothing.  This has me slightly concerned.  I'll survive, but darn if that area isn't much more sensitive.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 18, 2018, 05:59:45 pm

Thank you.  I'm still working on my beauty but it's getting better all the time.

I definitely got the chance to start over as a new me physically.  Unfortunately, I brought a lot of baggage from my old self emotionally.  I will likely spend the rest of my life working on these things, but that is the way things go sometimes.  At least I'm willing to address these flaws.  So many fail to even recognize problems let alone put the work in to overcome them.

About my friend, I have been discussing the matter heavily today and last week.  We are meeting to catch up on Friday afternoon.  I'm excited to get the chance to talk outside of work.  Things may fall apart, or they may not.  In either case it won't be Friday.  For now, I'mm just glad to have another shot.  It was miserable to leave things the way they were.

Your picture with is granted in the fabulous thread, though it's not a great picture, the outfit is cute though.

Tomorrow I have my first session of zapping on my nethers.  That should be...interesting.  I have a high pain tolerance and dealt with electrolysis on my face like nothing.  This has me slightly concerned.  I'll survive, but darn if that area isn't much more sensitive.

Amber....  ouchi..... yes indeed, zapping the nethers is going to be a test of your pain tolerance... or at least it was for me.... but I am a baby when it comes to pain.
Hopefully all goes well with that for you.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 19, 2018, 07:29:08 pm
So I survived my first session of genital electrolysis.  The lidocaine injections definitely stung.  Near the end she zapped a spot where there lidocaine had work off...that definitely stung a good bit.  I have a good pain tolerance, but I certainly don't think I could have gone through a 4 hour session without the numbing.  It was nice to get the chance to talk without having to hold my mouth still this time.  I definitely ended up with some scrotal bruising from the injection needle and it's really fun to ice your balls while driving a 3 hour drive home.  Overall the irritation to the site seems less than I expected.

I honestly wish I could see myself as others see me.  When talking with others sometimes they just seem very fascinated with me.  I admit that I am very atypical in most respects, but I don't see myself as anything particularly fancy.  I related my account of going down to the keystone conference.  Also, how I noticed that my success with transition and overall appearance seemed to make more than a few people jealous.  She told me that I probably make a decent number of cis women jealous too.  While I do think I look pretty now I just can't seem to believe that I am that pretty.

Another amusing thing that came up was talking about my fashion choices and style.  She used the word flirty to describe it.  While I wouldn't have come up with that myself I can see what she means.  I feel good about my body (even with the extra pounds) and I do enjoy showing it a little.  Not because I am trying to be a tease or anything, I just find these outfits cute and flattering to my form.  Never in a million years would I ever have imagined having the confidence to wear some of the stuff I wear nowadays.  So I suppose it is a little flirty and attention grabbing, but I don't think it's over the top or crossing the line.

I will admit the shirt I had on today was quite revealing.  That had more to do with me wanting to wear something that provided lots of air flow.  I like coffee which makes my skin flush and feel warm (leading to sweating) and I'm on Adderall which once it kicks in boosts the metabolism and makes me warm and sweat.  On top of that pain makes me sweat.  So yeah I wanted something light.  It was cold and rainy today, but outside I wear a coat so the top is a non issue (nevermind that most of it was in the car anyway)

This is the revealing top (I bought it on clearance last fall and this is the first I've gotten to wear it)

(http://i.imgur.com/hmRj85C.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on April 21, 2018, 07:26:07 am
Hi Amber,
   Yes, it is pretty hard to see how we look to the world. Being trans and seeing ourselves is like looking in a mirror with the distortions of our past presentation making it hard to see what we really look like now. I have come to a good compromise. I get the clothes that I like and then just get feedback from my partner that it isn't way off the track. If she says it isn't and I like it, I don't worry about others. I get a lot of compliments on my style. Of course my response is, "Oh, I have a style?" A few weeks ago, I wore my first bathing suit out in public, a one piece. With that, I was like, "I don't care, I am just gonna do this and whatever happens, happens." I will save the bikini for home when my kids aren't home. Fears of damaging people's retina, I guess. Being your age at least you don't worry about dressing too young to a large extent. I push that envelope just a bit. Not ready to dress other people's idea of my age.
   I think this thread is doing you good. I see more ease in you being okay with sharing and that is great to see. I'm sorry I missed you at Keystone.
   Genital electrolysis is awesome especially the part where your leg involuntarily kicks like a frog's leg hooked up to a battery. Four hours is a bit much though.
   Hugs ya cuttie,
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 21, 2018, 08:47:39 am


Hi Amber,
   Yes, it is pretty hard to see how we look to the world. Being trans and seeing ourselves is like looking in a mirror with the distortions of our past presentation making it hard to see what we really look like now. I have come to a good compromise. I get the clothes that I like and then just get feedback from my partner that it isn't way off the track. If she says it isn't and I like it, I don't worry about others. I get a lot of compliments on my style. Of course my response is, "Oh, I have a style?" A few weeks ago, I wore my first bathing suit out in public, a one piece. With that, I was like, "I don't care, I am just gonna do this and whatever happens." I will save the bikini for home when my kids aren't home. Fears of damaging people's retina, I guess. Being your age at least you don't worry about dressing too young to a large extent. I push that envelope just a bit. Not ready to dress other people's idea of my age.
   I think this thread is doing you good. I see more ease in you being okay with sharing and that is great to see. I'm sorry I missed you at Keystone.
   Genital electrolysis is awesome especially the part where your leg involuntarily kicks like a frog's leg hooked up to a battery. Four hours is a bit much though.
   Hugs ya cuttie,
Moni
Moni,

Thank you for commenting.  I've missed hearing from you.  I'm sorry we didn't get to see you at keystone as well.  It's okay though.  The wife and I went down to Baltimore a few weeks ago to visit good friends and I totally blanked on seeing if you were available.  Sometimes I can be a bit flighty.

I am not sure if it's being trans that prevents me from seeing myself as others do, so much as having my personality distorted, my soul shattered, and my perceptions gaslighted my entire childhood and adolescence.  Being trans certainly doesn't help, I will admit. I project my own insecurities into my perceived reaction of others.  I am surprisingly good at realizing what people are seeing physically, though sometimes I forget that people see a woman these days.

I didn't experience the frog leg effect.  4 hours is a long session, but since the prices is so time consuming it helps make progress.  Since I drive 3 hours to get there I prefer to book long sessions anyway because it is pretty much my whole day regardless.  Gives me plenty of time to talk to Ramona too.  Which is nice because I am a bit if a chatterbox.  I will say though that getting that much work done at once does make the area look terrible for a little while.

I really don't worry to much about dressing too young.  Originally, I did, but I had so much insecurity about presenting anyway.  I know I look a good bit younger than I am so I'm going to ride this train.  I bought a two piece sit at the end of last summer but I haven't had the chance to wear it yet.  I feel like I will be self conscious for a little and then adapt as I always do.  Certainly not an eye bleach situation anymore.

I guess I do seen more at ease these days.  Generally I am happier and in a better place the last 2 months or so.  I still have a lot of my moments an I work through them as I need too.  I will say that miserable voice in the back of my head telling me all kinds of nasty things has been mostly gone except for when my bpd is triggered.  If nothing else posting about things has worked as an incredible log of just how much I've grown.

I have a major update to write out later.  I'll try to do it on my lunch break.  As it is it's taken me an hour to get this typed up.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 21, 2018, 09:10:48 am
snipped:
Moni,
- - - - - - - - -
I didn't experience the frog leg effect.  4 hours is a long session, but since the prices is so time consuming it helps make progress. 
- - - - - - - - -
I really don't worry to much about dressing too young.  Originally, I did, but I had so much insecurity about presenting anyway.  I know I look a good bit younger than I am so I'm going to ride this train.  I bought a two piece sit at the end of last summer but I haven't had the chance to wear it yet.  I feel like I will be self conscious for a little and then adapt as I always do. 
- - - - - - - - -
I guess I do seen more at ease these days.  Generally I am happier and in a better place the last 2 months or so.  I still have a lot of my moments an I work through them as I need too.  I will say that miserable voice in the back of my head telling me all kinds of nasty things has been mostly gone except for when my bpd is triggered.  If nothing else posting about things has worked as an incredible log of just how much I've grown.
- - - - - - - - - -
I have a major update to write out later.  I'll try to do it on my lunch break.  As it is it's taken me an hour to get this typed up.

Amber:

I am glad that you made it OK through the hair removal.... I did not experience the Frog Leg thing that Moni talked about either..... but it hurt like the dickens.

You do look young for your age, so you should own it and dress as you feel....  you always look so beautiful in your pictures.

Yes, as I have replied many times.... writing about your journey and keeping a log is good therapy.

Ahhhh, you have a major update coming?? !!!   I will be eagerly awaiting, as always.

Hugs, Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 21, 2018, 11:44:02 am
Okay so I have a bit of time to type now.  First thing is I bought a smart watch off my friend for$50.  This thing is super meet and I've wanted one for a good long while.  It's a Samsung gear fit 2.  It's in really good condition and I picked it up for less than half price.  So exciting, I've been playing with it a ton.

Tonight Sara and I are going to a masquerade themed adult prom.  We are going to see some friends that we haven't seen in quite a while (pretransition).  They know as we are friends in Facebook and are totally cool, but with everyone having kids schedules just never work out.  We bought and decorated masks last night.  Going to get all dolled up and have a good time.  There will be pictures later.  It is my understanding that everyone is going to karaoke afterwards.  I likely won't sing even though I always do.  I'm a really good singer, but my singing voice is very much male and it would just be so awkward.  The last thing I need is some drunk redneck getting uppity and there are likely to be a few of them around given the venue.

I met with my friend that I mentioned in a previous post for about 2 hours yesterday after I got off work.  It was so absolutely wonderful.  It wasn't awkward or weird or anything bad.  We both had a lot to catch up on.  We did talk a little about how complicated things got before and we both admitted fault.  Turns out it wasn't just me be weird.  Also, I wasn't the only one to really miss our friendship. She has a psuedo boyfriend thing going on right now.  I am so excited for her.  I was so giddy to hear that and get all the details.  We talked a good bit about a lot of subjects.  At the end we hugged (we have only ever hugged once and it wasn't cool because things were starting to get complicated between us right at that time).  There was no pulling away or discomfort or awkwardness.  I actually started to mist up at that point because I have missed her so much and things are cool between us now.  I maintained my composure, but wow.  That might be the first time since the birth of my eldest child that I've been compelled to cry happy tears.  I am still not the crying sort.  The whole drive home I had a shi eating grin on my face. As per my therapists request I wrote down how or encounter went and all my dbt stuff.  I've been on cloud freaking nine.  I know it seems a little silly, but I have beat myself up so much over ruining out friendship and thought about her nearly every day since wondering if she was okay and if life has been treating her well, etc.  Guess I wasn't the only one.  We are incredibly similar and that was part of the problem.

Okay I've rambled long enough I suppose.  Lots to do today.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: sarah1972 on April 21, 2018, 12:51:38 pm
I am do happy for you Amber! What a great way to make up with an old friend.
I also had a few years in my eyes reading your happy report.

One thing I noticed is that since starting HRT and being fully out, my relationship with especially female friends has changed and there is a lot of added trust and deeper conversations than ever. Guess that is part of the girls club.

Maybe your transition has helped with your friend too! Hope you two can enjoy a renewed friendship.

Hugs!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 21, 2018, 03:53:08 pm


I am do happy for you Amber! What a great way to make up with an old friend.
I also had a few years in my eyes reading your happy report.

One thing I noticed is that since starting HRT and being fully out, my relationship with especially female friends has changed and there is a lot of added trust and deeper conversations than ever. Guess that is part of the girls club.

Maybe your transition has helped with your friend too! Hope you two can enjoy a renewed friendship.

Hugs!

Thank you Sarah.  It really isn't the case of transition helping out since I met her after already transitioning for a bit.

I have found having female friends so much less awkward than before
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 21, 2018, 04:36:56 pm
  Dear Amber:  That is such great news about how things turned out regarding the relationship between you and your friend. 
I know that you were struggling with this with all kinds of emotions.
I am so very glad that all is better in your “world” now!!!
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on April 21, 2018, 06:59:47 pm
What an interesting friendship. I'm a bit of a lurker here and I do remember how much it hurt you to not be on talking terms anymore at that point. I've lost close friends by my own doing that I think about here and there. I don't regret things, I learned from my mistakes, but I miss their companionship and wish them the best. I always remember our friendships happily.

By the way, I don't know if I missed the part you talk about your past. Not that you're obligated to or anything I'm just curious.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 22, 2018, 08:32:40 am


What an interesting friendship. I'm a bit of a lurker here and I do remember how much it hurt you to not be on talking terms anymore at that point. I've lost close friends by my own doing that I think about here and there. I don't regret things, I learned from my mistakes, but I miss their companionship and wish them the best. I always remember our friendships happily.

By the way, I don't know if I missed the part you talk about your past. Not that you're obligated to or anything I'm just curious.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Hi Allison.  I did not know you were a little on my thread.  You should have spoken up sooner.  I don't bite ... much.

It is a horrible complicated friendship.  Hopefully it has become a lot less so.  Because of our condition (she is undiagnosed bpd, but definitely way too many symptoms) we just ate terrible at not making interpersonal relationships weird.  You are correct I was devastated when things fell apart before.  I blamed myself for so much that I didn't have control of in the first place.  It seems like she did that a bunch too, but at least looked like she managed it better.  It's hard to explain but the two of us instantly bonded and felt totally comfortable sharing things with each other (very atypical for both of us). 

I have said a lot about my past though it may be scattered across many posts and threads.  My intro post had a good bit of backstory.  I don't particularly want to retype everything, but if you have any particular questions I don't mind answering them.  Feel free to ask .

The prom was wonderful last night.  I'll pay a full update on my lunch break.  For now a few photos.


(http://i.imgur.com/qWwmGsO.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/tykU3Qb.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/c3DiBHi.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 22, 2018, 09:13:13 am

Hi Allison.  I did not know you were a little on my thread.  You should have spoken up sooner.  I don't bite ... much.

It is a horrible complicated friendship.  Hopefully it has become a lot less so.  Because of our condition (she is undiagnosed bpd, but definitely way too many symptoms) we just ate terrible at not making interpersonal relationships weird.  You are correct I was devastated when things fell apart before.  I blamed myself for so much that I didn't have control of in the first place.  It seems like she did that a bunch too, but at least looked like she managed it better.  It's hard to explain but the two of us instantly bonded and felt totally comfortable sharing things with each other (very atypical for both of us).

I have said a lot about my past though it may be scattered across many posts and threads.
  My intro post had a good bit of backstory.  I don't particularly want to retype everything, but if you have any particular questions I don't mind answering them.  Feel free to ask .

The prom was wonderful last night.
  I'll pay a full update on my lunch break.  For now a few photos.


(http://i.imgur.com/qWwmGsO.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/tykU3Qb.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/c3DiBHi.jpg)

Dear Amber:  Wow-whee....... It sounds like you had a lot of fun at your Adult Prom party.  You looked very pretty in your nice dress... I liked the dress style, particularly the peek-a-boo back.  The pictures you posted are terrific.  I really liked the last one with you and your wife... that is very neat for sure.

Oh yeah, I am so glad that I found your personal stories on this, your "complicated" thread....
......and I can testify to everyone that you do not bite, @Allison S please take note.
A lot about my personal story and past is also scattered across many posts on various threads but as you are aware lately I have been trying to keep a lot of it on my "hunted prey" thread.

I am so happy for you and your friend that you have been writing about...  I am very glad that you both salvaged the joint friendship... :)

As always, I look forward to reading your updates, and viewing your photos.
Thanks for keeping your thread current.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 23, 2018, 09:52:05 am
So the other night the wife and I went to an adult prom.  It was a lot of fun.  We got to see friends that we haven't seen in years.  It was so awesome because these are people who definitely knew the old me and they acted and treated me as if I had always been a woman.  It was amusing because the one last and I have a history.  She asked me at one point, "we spent a lot of time together in high school, how did I not know?" I just told her that's it's because I didn't know either.

My wife is significantly shorter than I am.  Her head only comes up to my boobs.  After one of the dance she got her eating stuck in the lace of my dress. So her head was sick to my boobs, essentially.  After some struggle I finally manage to extricate her.  Or friends sitting at the table definitely notices and were laughing as we walked back over.  Sara just looks at them and says, "it was a booby trap". I lost it.  Jokes like that are why I keep her around.

My friend can't believe how much like my sister I look.  I actually look a bit of a mix between both my sister's, but they don't know the other one.  My friend Beth did comment that I make a hot lady.  When telling them my sister's comment when I came out to her (well you were never that masculine to begin with) they all just kind of shrugged like yeah that's true.  I wasn't effeminate, but I certainly want stereotypically masculine.

This is apparently an annual event.  We are planning to go next year.  Next time I'll have plenty of time to buy a dress.

In other news I got to spend my lunch break with my friend yesterday.  We definitely are on good terms now.  It's just amusing how similarly we deal with issues.  Turns out I want the only one blaming themselves hardcore for missing things up.  She asked me, "so does this mean we can hang out again now?" Absolutely!  Not sure when because of busy schedules, but we are going to have to figure something out.

I want to thank everyone for the compliments on my dress.  I think that one is so pretty.  I still have some weight to lose, but I'm getting there.  I can just imagine what I'll look like by the end.  I loved how my makeup turned out.  The bright red lipstick just pops.  I started to curl my hair, but realized it was taking forever and I didn't have enough time.  I have a ton of hair.  You can't necessarily tell but the individual strands are fairly fine, but there are just a ton of them.  I need a hair cut again, but I constantly find reasons to put it off.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 23, 2018, 01:31:57 pm
Amber.... that was a very nice, good news, happy and feel-good UPDATE that you just posted.   It appears that things are looking up for you and you relationships. 
I had to laugh out loud when I read the "booby trap" comment that your wife made.  :) :laugh:
Oh, and I know how hard it is to have your hair cut.  I worked so hard for it seems like an eternity to finally have long hair that could be styled in various ways...  and to cut it just pains me ....  I keep putting it off also.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 24, 2018, 06:34:16 pm
Amber.... that was a very nice, good news, happy and feel-good UPDATE that you just posted.   It appears that things are looking up for you and you relationships. 
I had to laugh out loud when I read the "booby trap" comment that your wife made.  :)
Oh, and I know how hard it is to have your hair cut.  I worked so hard for it seems like an eternity to finally have long hair that could be styled in various ways...  and to cut it just pains me ....  I keep putting it off also.
Hugs,
Danielle
I mostly hate haircuts because I'm award and never know what to talk about in the chair.  Also I am really good about procrastinating.  I'm not getting much taken off, just clean it up and get some layers.  Also my bangs are haywire and need adjusted.  I need to re dye my hair soon too.  The roots are showing really badly and the color has faded a lot too.  My hair had never been good at holding color.  My friend questioned me about why I went red.  Then she admitted redheads really have the most fun and I see no reason to disagree with her.

My wife has a sense of humor very much like own.  It is the glue that holds is together.  It may not seem like it to others on here, but I'm real life I am a goof who is always making jokes.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on April 26, 2018, 08:14:58 pm


I mostly hate haircuts because I'm award and never know what to talk about in the chair.  Also I am really good about procrastinating.  I'm not getting much taken off, just clean it up and get some layers.  Also my bangs are haywire and need adjusted.  I need to re dye my hair soon too.  The roots are showing really badly and the color has faded a lot too.  My hair had never been good at holding color.  My friend questioned me about why I went red.  Then she admitted redheads really have the most fun and I see no reason to disagree with her.

My wife has a sense of humor very much like own.  It is the glue that holds is together.  It may not seem like it to others on here, but I'm real life I am a goof who is always making jokes.

Oh for suree you have me cackling in laughter earlier I'm a total goof too
It's so fun to play around with hair and change it. I think I'd sit there in silence watching every little thing they do to my hair lol they'd hate me as a client

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 27, 2018, 07:40:02 am
So life is weird sometimes.  I am not really sure when, but somewhere over the past two years I stopped being an introvert.  I'm still not the life of the party, but I am remarkably more social and chatty than I ever was before.    Just to check I took a MBTI test.  I always got INTP well now the needle has shifted to just barely being ENTP.  What the heck?  It's a good change, but completely unexpected.  I've even started texting people beyond just a few close friends recently.  My wife got a chuckle because I had 4 different conversations going at once for a bit yesterday.  I share photos and talk with people and enjoy it...dear God, what has become of me?  Lol.  It's funny how different you can be when you are not miserable.  There always was a glimmer of an underlying charismatic person, but that only came out in rare instances.  Oh well, guess I'll have to resign myself to being awesome
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on April 28, 2018, 03:21:34 pm
So life is weird sometimes.  I am not really sure when, but somewhere over the past two years I stopped being an introvert.  I'm still not the life of the party, but I am remarkably more social and chatty than I ever was before.    Just to check I took a MBTI test.  I always got INTP well now the needle has shifted to just barely being ENTP.  What the heck?  It's a good change, but completely unexpected.  I've even started texting people beyond just a few close friends recently.  My wife got a chuckle because I had 4 different conversations going at once for a bit yesterday.  I share photos and talk with people and enjoy it...dear God, what has become of me?  Lol.  It's funny how different you can be when you are not miserable.  There always was a glimmer of an underlying charismatic person, but that only came out in rare instances.  Oh well, guess I'll have to resign myself to being awesome
What, this is news? I always knew you were awesome.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on April 29, 2018, 11:59:58 am
Well I didn't know and I never believe people when they tell me, either.  Tbf I still have a ways to go to be full-time awesome.  I just had 4 days off in a row from work.  I was productive on day 1 and then it went downhill from there.  True to form by day 4 I was just a miserable bitch.  I hav no idea how I'll manage during the recovery period from surgery.  That is honestly the scariest part for me, I think.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 03, 2018, 05:05:23 pm
Lots of stuff happening.  Mostly good, some bad.  Full update later. New pictures on the fabulous thread.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 04, 2018, 08:47:05 am
Okay so time for another big ol update.  Things have been going well.  It astounds me how sociable I have become lately.  My phone is constantly buzzing at me as I keep four or five conversations going simultaneously.  I enjoy chatting with people and have even made plans to hang out with a few.  Looking back on my life I don't think it's so much that I was antisocial, so much as awkward and too busy being miserable.  It's kind of sad to think that I could have been like this my whole life, but no use dwelling on that fact.

I feel very confident that my friendship with Lia is in the clear and we are going to be able to be good friends for a long time.  All hints of awkwardness are gone and everything is as it was when we first became close friends, as if the last few months never happened.  It's funny I was on Skype with a friend and I got a text message.  I checked the message and she asked me if it was Lia that had sent the message.  Apparently my face must light up.  I told her that her and her crush totally need to go on a double date with my wife and I.  I am so glad these past few months of killing myself over things turning sour are over.

As many of you know I am not the most pleased with my job.  Things have improved over the past few weeks.  I'm still not happy with the pay, but it still serves it's purpose in paying the bills (mostly).  Earlier this week I had my evaluation, which was quite good, obviously.  The manager informed me that they are going to make me a full-time employee since I am valuable to the department and have been pretty much working full-time hours for months now.  If I wanted to, which long term planning-wise I don't, I could easily move up in the company.  For the moment I am content to sit where I am at.  I have too much life happening over the next few months to risk it.  My pay won't change with the bump to full-time, but I won't have to worry about not getting my hours in.  Plus I'll earn paid time off at over twice the rate of before.  Maybe I'll actually get to take a vacation someday .

It's pretty funny though because this happened the same day that I scheduled an interview for a part time job with another place.  I figure we could use the income to catch up and pad the bank account.  I have a friend who does massage at a float spa.  She told me how short handed they are.  So I sent my resume off and set up an interview.  Even with the change to full-time at my current place I would like to pick this up.  I have been working 40 a week anyway so there really is no change to my availability.  I'm excited to have a job where I don't have to dress in khakis and a polo.  The primary business there is floating.  Supposedly, it's very relaxing, but the maintenance and cleaning are significant for the staff.  As part of the interview I apparently am going to float for an hour first and then we will have the interview.  Not a bad deal since it costs about $80 to do so.  I guess employees get to float for free too.  I could use some relaxation in my life.  I hope it pans out.

I had to get my car inspected.  This is the last year it will pass without extensive and really expensive work.  I am pretty sure the only reason it passed this year was because my mechanic was being really really nice.  So sometime over the next year we have to decide whether to fix it or get a different vehicle.  Neither are great options.  Personally, I lean towards getting a tiny rice burner that is super cheap to run.  I do way too much driving these days.

I got my lab results back for my upcoming endocrinologist visit.  I am not pleased.  I am not pissed either, just frustrated.  On the positive everything looks good with my liver. I had a lipid panel done too (for a different Dr) and that looks absolutely amazing.  So I'm healthy at least.  My testosterone is still at 100.5.  we can't go any higher on the spironolactone due to potassium concerns.  I am still on the dosage we started at there.  My estradiol was 123.1.  this is slightly lower than it was 9 months ago.  This is despite raising the dosage.  I am quite literally at the highest dosage we will go.  I mean yes it's in the female ranges but we would like to see that number up over 150.

My theory is that my body is converting too much estradiol to estrone.  I don't have numbers to back that up, but I literally can't think of any other reason.  I will have to revisit some arguemebts I had previously with my Dr.  I don't see the need to try something different as far as antiandrogens are concerned.  I broached that subject back when the potassium problem first showed up and he didn't seem amenable.  The factories are going to be removed sometime in the next year anyway and I can live with it where it's at.  I will however discuss switching to injections.  I tried patches and didn't have very good absorption.  However, my Dr really doesn't like injections and says that it is really hard to get stable levels.  I understand his logic, but seeing as we've exhausted oral and can't seem to keep levels that stable anyway I feel his concern is unfounded in this case.  All said and done I've been feeling pretty good and have had good feminization over the past 20 months.  It really just irks me to not even be allowed to try something that might work better.  Anecdotal accounts of people on injections seem really positive.  I may have to consider switching Doctors too.

I dyed my hair two days ago and it got dark. I thought I had grabbed the same dye, but I guess I had accidentally grabbed the next darker shade.  Since my hair was already still fairly red it really took it.  This shade has an almost purplish/eggplant tone to it.  It looks good and I've been getting some good compliments, but it will take some adjustments.  I'm not unhappy with it, but it wasn't what I was going for.  Apparently I can rock every color, but my natural one.

I finally got a hair cut yesterday.  The stylist was so nice.  I am usually very awkward in the chair, but she was so nice and sociable we chatted the whole time.  This is the first time I've ever felt like "one of the girls" there.  It still surprised me sometimes that other people have no clue I'm trans.  We got to talking about her husband and "men".  When a phrase like, "I just don't understand what men are thinking sometimes" pops up it is really hard not to chime in with first hand experience.  I have finally shifted from short straight bangs to a longer sideswept bang.  It looks nice, but it does make me a little self conscious about my widow's peak and forehead.

I ran into a friend I haven't seen in a few months yesterday.  She asked me if I had lost weight.  I have actually only lost 5 pounds over the last 3 months or so.  I told her I still have 20 to lose and she balked.  I told her it's to get under the BMI requirement to have surgery (she knows I'm trans).  She was confused and asked how much I weigh.  The look of disbelief on her face when I told her I weigh 215 was very amusing.  I have always carried weight really well, plus now days it has been migrating to the right areas.  We made plans to get together this evening.  Should be good times.  She gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.  It was so sweet, but I am still so awkward about such things.

Since I'm on the subject of physical appearance, I have noticed that I am turning into an hourglass shape.  I be want fully sure what to expect when I started, but I didn't really expect the "ideal" shape.  My sister's are both pears and my mom is closer to an apple.  Apparently though when my mom was younger she was an hourglass shape as well.  I was walking downtown the other day and caught a glimpse of my reflection in some glass.  I really don't see any hint of the guy I used to be left at all.  I really am looking pretty good these days and it's only going to get better as I shed these last pounds.

I was taking with Sara last night recounting my lunch break at work taking with some of my coworkers.  The one is relatively new and this is the first I've interacted.  I was joking about how I hang out with the pretty girls now days and how that's a change from the sky awkward me from before who wouldn't even approach a pretty girl.  Then I sort of gasped as it dawned on me and said, oh my God am I one of the pretty girls now too?  What happened to me? Lol. I then noticed that almost all my friends are young pretty girls.  Holy <poo> the real me is so much different than the old me.  All these things that I never would have expected when I started.

I went to the gym the other day and decided to try tanning to mitigate my ghostly visage.  Being a complete newb and too proud to ask advice I may have over done it a little.  By may, I mean I totally did.  By that evening I totally had some very uncomfortable sunburn on my upper thighs, stomach, back, groin (luckily I was smart enough to cover genitals), and butt cheeks.  It is really uncomfortable to try to sleep with a sunburnt butt.  Also my bra line got hit pretty good so that has made work so pleasant.  It's going away now but it's at that itchy stage.  I feel so crass constantly scratching my butt and under my boobs. Just beware Danielle, I'm getting ready for the bikini weather photo shoot .

Here's the photos I snapped and put up on the fabulous thread for those that don't follow it.

(http://i.imgur.com/HkTDWtg.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/JgDDdwz.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 04, 2018, 12:19:42 pm
snipped to save space: 
Okay so time for another big ol update. Things have been going well.  It astounds me how sociable I have become lately.
    Wow, that is great news, sociable is good. 
    An old saying I use as my mantra is "If you want friends, be friendly"

Quote
I feel very confident that my friendship with Lia is in the clear and we are going to be able to be good friends for a long time.  All hints of awkwardness are gone...
    That is such good news, I know that per your previous posts that you were very disturbed over this.

Quote
As many of you know I am not the most pleased with my job.  Things have improved over the past few weeks.   
The manager informed me that they are going to make me a full-time employee since I am valuable to the department...
Maybe I'll actually get to take a vacation someday .
    That is terrific good news indeed.  At least you are doing better with this job and can be more picky and take your time looking for a better new job.  A job candidate is always more attractive to an employer if they are still working and have a job.

Quote
It's pretty funny though because this happened the same day that I scheduled an interview for a part time job with another place...     ... I hope it pans out.

Quote
I had to get my car inspected.  This is the last year it will pass without extensive and really expensive work.
    Been there and done that....  with things like that it might be best to upgrade to a newer car... I know that when I was in the same situation it was nice to get a newer car that I didn't have to immediately dump money into for brakes, tires, suspension, engine work etc... plus the upgrade in the interior and exterior is nice too.

Quote
I got my lab results back for my upcoming endocrinologist visit.  I am not pleased.  I am not pissed either, just frustrated.  On the positive everything looks good with my liver. I had a lipid panel done too (for a different Dr) and that looks absolutely amazing.  So I'm healthy at least.  My testosterone is still at 100.5.  we can't go any higher on the spironolactone due to potassium concerns.  I am still on the dosage we started at there.  My estradiol was 123.1.  this is slightly lower than it was 9 months ago.  This is despite raising the dosage.  I am quite literally at the highest dosage we will go.  I mean yes it's in the female ranges but we would like to see that number up over 150.
    Patience Amber, .... as you have read in many of my postings, every body reacts differently and at it's own speed to HRT.   Your Endo has to manage the delicate balance between your health (liver) with the progress wanted for your transition journey.   Patience is a virtue, and definitely required to your journey.  Hang in there, girl.

Quote
...  All said and done I've been feeling pretty good and have had good feminization over the past 20 months. 
    Well, what is wrong with that?  You indeed look very feminine in your pictures.  You should not have a lot to complain about there.

Quote
I dyed my hair two days ago and it got dark. I thought I had grabbed the same dye, but I guess I had accidentally grabbed the next darker shade.  Since my hair was already still fairly red it really took it.
    Oh, I knew you were going to talk about your Red Hair... you know that I have been smitten with it since I got onto Susan's.   I may try to be a Redhead sometime, that would be interesting for sure.

Quote
I finally got a hair cut yesterday.  The stylist was so nice.  I am usually very awkward in the chair, but she was so nice and sociable we chatted the whole time.  This is the first time I've ever felt like "one of the girls" there.  It still surprised me sometimes that other people have no clue I'm trans. ...
    I love going to the beauty shop for hair, nails, and stuff like that...  it is such an confidence building experience for me and is very affirming to my female transformation.   I am not surprised that people that you come across have no idea that you are a trans... you look absolutely passable.  I knew that I was ready to go Full Time when I had the same experiences with new acquaintances not knowing that I was a trans.

Quote
I ran into a friend I haven't seen in a few months yesterday.  She asked me if I had lost weight. ...  She gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.  It was so sweet, but I am still so awkward about such things.
    That was a nice encounter with your friend, your awkwardness about such things will soon be a distant memory.

Quote
Since I'm on the subject of physical appearance, I have noticed that I am turning into an hourglass shape.  I be want fully sure what to expect when I started, but I didn't really expect the "ideal" shape. ... I was walking downtown the other day and caught a glimpse of my reflection in some glass.  I really don't see any hint of the guy I used to be left at all.  I really am looking pretty good these days and it's only going to get better as I shed these last pounds.
   Well, yes indeed you look very pretty....  and you don't have to be a skinny-minnie to have a nice shape and look like a beautiful woman.   Usually mirrors and cameras are not our friends when looking at our bodies!!! 

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I was taking with Sara last night recounting my lunch break at work taking with some of my coworkers.  The one is relatively new and this is the first I've interacted.  I was joking about how I hang out with the pretty girls now days and how that's a change from the sky awkward me from before who wouldn't even approach a pretty girl.  Then I sort of gasped as it dawned on me and said, oh my God am I one of the pretty girls now too?  What happened to me? Lol. I then noticed that almost all my friends are young pretty girls.  Holy <poo> the real me is so much different than the old me.  All these things that I never would have expected when I started.
    Yes, for sure, the change we see with our new friends and fitting in with pretty females is one of the most amazing experiences as you have mentioned.   I am still amazed with how I fit in with my beautiful female friends.

Quote
I went to the gym the other day and decided to try tanning to mitigate my ghostly visage.  Being a complete newb and too proud to ask advice I may have over done it a little.  By may, I mean I totally did.  By that evening I totally had some very uncomfortable sunburn on my upper thighs, stomach, back, groin (luckily I was smart enough to cover genitals), and butt cheeks.  It is really uncomfortable to try to sleep with a sunburnt butt.  Also my bra line got hit pretty good so that has made work so pleasant.  It's going away now but it's at that itchy stage.  I feel so crass constantly scratching my butt and under my boobs. Just beware Danielle, I'm getting ready for the bikini weather photo shoot .
   Be very careful with the tanning beds and tanning booths... you were smart to cover up your most sensitive areas.
Hmmm, that bikini photo shoot sounds like a challenge to me. ::) >:-)

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Here's the photos I snapped and put up on the fabulous thread for those that don't follow it.

(http://i.imgur.com/HkTDWtg.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/JgDDdwz.jpg)

    Oh YES, Amber, I did indeed see your photos on the "Fabulous" thread and was going to make a comment about them there, but I got sidetracked when I saw that you posted a long awaited UPDATE on your thread with the photos, so I dicided that I will make my comment here about them....  You Look Fabulous Darling.  Your 1st picture of you at work... you look beautiful and absolutely feminine with your hair and makeup.  Also I especially love your 2nd picture with your windblown look and what is that you are wearing? Sunglasses?  Ha, it must be warming up where you are.  Here we had snow yesterday and the temps at night are below freezing and daytime temps can never get above the low to mid 40's.  During the day it is coats, sweaters, hats, etc and when I get home at night I turn on my propane stove to get a boost to the heat in my home and I put on my sweats and after eating dinner I sit in my comfy chair front of the warm stove (fireplace insert) and read or surf on my laptop.
By the way, your new darker hair looks very lovely.   Hmmm, I am curious, just what is your hair's natural color anyway??
    I so much enjoyed reading your LOOONG update.  It is nice to hear and to see that things are generally going well for you.
Hugs and well wishes.
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 07, 2018, 06:32:13 am
snipped to save space:      Wow, that is great news, sociable is good. 
    An old saying I use as my mantra is "If you want friends, be friendly"
    That is such good news, I know that per your previous posts that you were very disturbed over this.
    That is terrific good news indeed.  At least you are doing better with this job and can be more picky and take your time looking for a better new job.  A job candidate is always more attractive to an employer if they are still working and have a job.
    Been there and done that....  with things like that it might be best to upgrade to a newer car... I know that when I was in the same situation it was nice to get a newer car that I didn't have to immediately dump money into for brakes, tires, suspension, engine work etc... plus the upgrade in the interior and exterior is nice too.
    Patience Amber, .... as you have read in many of my postings, every body reacts differently and at it's own speed to HRT.   Your Endo has to manage the delicate balance between your health (liver) with the progress wanted for your transition journey.   Patience is a virtue, and definitely required to your journey.  Hang in there, girl.
    Well, what is wrong with that?  You indeed look very feminine in your pictures.  You should not have a lot to complain about there.
    Oh, I knew you were going to talk about your Red Hair... you know that I have been smitten with it since I got onto Susan's.   I may try to be a Redhead sometime, that would be interesting for sure.
    I love going to the beauty shop for hair, nails, and stuff like that...  it is such an confidence building experience for me and is very affirming to my female transformation.   I am not surprised that people that you come across have no idea that you are a trans... you look absolutely passable.  I knew that I was ready to go Full Time when I had the same experiences with new acquaintances not knowing that I was a trans.
    That was a nice encounter with your friend, your awkwardness about such things will soon be a distant memory.
   Well, yes indeed you look very pretty....  and you don't have to be a skinny-minnie to have a nice shape and look like a beautiful woman.   Usually mirrors and cameras are not our friends when looking at our bodies!!! 
    Yes, for sure, the change we see with our new friends and fitting in with pretty females is one of the most amazing experiences as you have mentioned.   I am still amazed with how I fit in with my beautiful female friends.
   Be very careful with the tanning beds and tanning booths... you were smart to cover up your most sensitive areas.
Hmmm, that bikini photo shoot sounds like a challenge to me. ::) >:-)

    Oh YES, Amber, I did indeed see your photos on the "Fabulous" thread and was going to make a comment about them there, but I got sidetracked when I saw that you posted a long awaited UPDATE on your thread with the photos, so I dicided that I will make my comment here about them....  You Look Fabulous Darling.  Your 1st picture of you at work... you look beautiful and absolutely feminine with your hair and makeup.  Also I especially love your 2nd picture with your windblown look and what is that you are wearing? Sunglasses?  Ha, it must be warming up where you are.  Here we had snow yesterday and the temps at night are below freezing and daytime temps can never get above the low to mid 40's.  During the day it is coats, sweaters, hats, etc and when I get home at night I turn on my propane stove to get a boost to the heat in my home and I put on my sweats and after eating dinner I sit in my comfy chair front of the warm stove (fireplace insert) and read or surf on my laptop.
By the way, your new darker hair looks very lovely.   Hmmm, I am curious, just what is your hair's natural color anyway??
    I so much enjoyed reading your LOOONG update.  It is nice to hear and to see that things are generally going well for you.
Hugs and well wishes.
Danielle
Pretty sure the challenge was on from the swimsuit thread.  It's a competition I'm willing to lose.  When you do get that 1 day off nice weather up there
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 07, 2018, 07:27:20 pm
Well today can go screw itself.  Had an interview for a part time job.  That was unlike any interview I've ever had.  Let's just say that I suspect no answer is right.  Now I feel like <poo> after fighting off the self loathing for 4 hours.  Yay for binge eating and self injurious behavior.  Fml.  Not sure why I bother sometimes.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 07, 2018, 08:02:15 pm
Well today can go screw itself.  Had an interview for a part time job.  That was unlike any interview I've ever had.  Let's just say that I suspect no answer is right.  Now I feel like <poo> after fighting off the self loathing for 4 hours.  Yay for binge eating and self injurious behavior.  Fml.  Not sure why I bother sometimes.

Amber:  So sorry to hear about your <poor> day and the possible part time job situation.
Life if full of disappoints, frustrations and rejections.....  it is not always your fault, not is it to be blamed on bad karma.
Bad things happen to good people.  What is important is that we stay positive and believe in ourselves.   
Regarding jobs and any other endeavor, one needs to stay positive and don't get down on yourself and be depressed over these kinds of things.   
Persistence, determination and self confidence is the best avenue to take.  Keep putting applications out there, keep going to job interviews and keep your options open.... and certainly don't quit any job that you have without having another one lined up...   Job candidates are much more attractive to a future employer if they still have a job.
Pull yourself up and get back on the horse!!!

Oh, binge eating...   is chocolate involved???

Best wishes to you... and HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 08, 2018, 03:38:26 am


Amber:  So sorry to hear about your <poor> day and the possible part time job situation.
Life if full of disappoints, frustrations and rejections.....  it is not always your fault, not is it to be blamed on bad karma.
Bad things happen to good people.  What is important is that we stay positive and believe in ourselves.   
Regarding jobs and any other endeavor, one needs to stay positive and don't get down on yourself and be depressed over these kinds of things.   
Persistence, determination and self confidence is the best avenue to take.  Keep putting applications out there, keep going to job interviews and keep your options open.... and certainly don't quit any job that you have without having another one lined up...   Job candidates are much more attractive to a future employer if they still have a job.
Pull yourself up and get back on the horse!!!

Oh, binge eating...   is chocolate involved???

Best wishes to you... and HUGS,
Danielle

Staying positive is not one of my traits.

It has nothing to do with whether I get this particular job or not, so much as how I feel about the interview itself.  It was incredibly personal.  We barely discussed the job at all.  It was legitimately all about me.  (Trust me, I would rather discuss my work history and ethic rather than myself).  It felt like no answer was satisfactory.  I hate that feeling.  It feels so overwhelmingly strongly that I, as a person, am not good enough.  It's not rational, but look up the diagnostic criteria of borderline personality disorder once and see how that can be devastating.  Even now when I think about yesterday, and trust me it's been on repeat in my brain, I feel the overwhelming urge to hit.

No binge eating does not include chocolate for me.  It was more like 6000 calories worth of Taco Bell.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 08, 2018, 06:15:42 am
Well when it rains it pours I guess.  I've managed to screw our finances up, again.  No we are pretty much boned for the next 2 months minimum.  I'm so sick of stumbling from one catastrophe to the next.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 08, 2018, 09:09:31 am
Well when it rains it pours I guess.  I've managed to screw our finances up, again.  No we are pretty much boned for the next 2 months minimum.  I'm so sick of stumbling from one catastrophe to the next.

Amber
... don't think that you are all alone with stumbling in and out of catastrophes...  we all can get into tight spots at times.  When that happens we need to keep forging ahead and try to address each problem as it arises.  It's like writing a long report...  one page at a time instead of looking at the entire big task that looks overwhelming but breaking it up into smaller and more quickly resolved tasks can help with conquering  some of , the issues you are experiencing.

I am sorry to hear about your job interview that went sideways....  that is behind you now, so go out there to more job interviews.... be persistent, hold your head high, smile, and be seen as a confident and self assured future employee!

I wish I had a magic wand to help you with all of this...  but it got broken when I came out to my family.
Best wishes to you... as always.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 08, 2018, 09:13:57 am



I wish I had a magic wand to help you with all of this...  but it got broken when I came out to my family.
Best wishes to you... as always.
Hugs,
Danielle

I don't think you need a magic wand.  You carry the magic around inside you.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 08, 2018, 09:28:32 am

I don't think you need a magic wand.  You carry the magic around inside you.

Amber.... thank you for your sweet comment....   
I think you know what my follow up remark will be... so here it is...

We all have "magic" inside of us... we just have to recognize it and release it.   A positive and glass half-full attitude does wonders for finding solutions to problems.
If one thinks that they are going to fail at something, they will probably find a way to do just that.

Hang in there Amber.  I am rooting for you and I always look forward to your posts.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 13, 2018, 10:04:00 pm
A mix of the good bad and ugly the last few days. 

The good is I've been able to hang out with friends on occasion.  One of my friends has really opened up to me and that's pretty awesome.  Another had been incredibly supportive and there for me lately and that is pretty cool too. I don't have to switch my therapist, yet.  That's really good news.  Also, she told me that I am her number one client for outfit envy.  I apparently wear the cutest outfits.


The bad is that I got chewed out at work the other day.  It's not really my fault, but more the department in general.  However, since I have zero ability to stand up for myself I just take it.
The ugly is that chewing it has cut me to the core.  It set of a deep bout of self loathing that ended up with me sleeping for 21 hours and being a miserable c word for the rest of the last 2 days.  It's coupled with something my one friend said to me that I'd rather not share, but she's right and I know it and the implications have me feeling terrible. I've already cried twice today and I just hate having pity parties for myself.

I don't get it.  People seem to see this awesome person, but I just don't.  I have my moments, but a lot of the time I am kind of a whiny, insecure bitch.  They all see how smart and talented I am, but all I see is failure to do anything with those gifts.  They see someone beautiful and I just see ok. 

I guess I'm just feeling rather lost and clueless at the moment.  Hopefully, something good happens soon.  I hate feeling like this.  If this post seems like a downer then you should have seen what I was like earlier
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 13, 2018, 11:32:36 pm
A mix of the good bad and ugly the last few days. 

The good is I've been able to hang out with friends on occasion.  One of my friends has really opened up to me and that's pretty awesome.  Another had been incredibly supportive and there for me lately and that is pretty cool too. I don't have to switch my therapist, yet.  That's really good news.  Also, she told me that I am her number one client for outfit envy.  I apparently wear the cutest outfits.


The bad is that I got chewed out at work the other day.  It's not really my fault, but more the department in general.  However, since I have zero ability to stand up for myself I just take it.
The ugly is that chewing it has cut me to the core.  It set of a deep bout of self loathing that ended up with me sleeping for 21 hours and being a miserable c word for the rest of the last 2 days.  It's coupled with something my one friend said to me that I'd rather not share, but she's right and I know it and the implications have me feeling terrible. I've already cried twice today and I just hate having pity parties for myself.

I don't get it.  People seem to see this awesome person, but I just don't.  I have my moments, but a lot of the time I am kind of a whiny, insecure bitch.  They all see how smart and talented I am, but all I see is failure to do anything with those gifts.  They see someone beautiful and I just see ok. 

I guess I'm just feeling rather lost and clueless at the moment.  Hopefully, something good happens soon.  I hate feeling like this.  If this post seems like a downer then you should have seen what I was like earlier

Amber... you are much better and much more that you described... you are indeed an awesome person,  you are smart and talented, and YES, you are beautiful.  ... and your are my favorite redhead.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 14, 2018, 07:43:55 am
I feel like this thread has become pointless.  It seems to be a series of I post complaining about being me, Danielle says something nice, a week passes, lather, rinse, repeat.  Maybe I should let this go defunct...
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 14, 2018, 08:05:14 am
I feel like this thread has become pointless.  It seems to be a series of I post complaining about being me, Danielle says something nice, a week passes, lather, rinse, repeat. Maybe I should let this go defunct...

Dear Amber  ....   I don't think that is a very good idea.   Keeping your thread going can be good therapy...  plus, it can be edifying to others to read that are going through similar issues in their transition journey and their life.

I know that when I have emotional, relationship, and life difficulties that I make a point of sitting down and writing about it.
Obviously we don't want to necessarily share our deepest and darkest personal moments and worst times here on our semi-public threads on Susan's but we can vent our feelings and frustrations with others here that have similar frustrations, goals and aspirations about being transgender.

I personally keep a pen and paper personal journal to help me to keep track of myself and to work out my most mentally upsetting life events and ALSO to celebrate my most joyous, enjoyable and happiest life events.   
Complete with scratched out lines, small added text, scribbles and even doodling little pictures... my personal hand written journal is a great place to escape to when life throws me a big curve ball.   

And yes, Amber
, I see that you do have your moments of complaining about yourself.... hey girl, we all do, some of us just hide it better than others.   Please continue to utilize your thread for yourself and for us.... and perhaps try the hand written journal idea as well....
but for sure, DO NOT HOLD ALL OF YOUR FRUSTRATIONS INSIDE YOU....
.... for your own well-being and sanity you must give those frustrations a place to vent.

Hugs and well wishes to my pretty Red-headed friend,
Danielle
               *Note:  end of Danielle saying something nice for now




Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: steph2.0 on May 14, 2018, 08:11:40 am
Hi Amber,

Please don’t stop. I’m out here cheering silently for you, as I suspect many others are. I regret never having said so before, but it may have something to do with the fact that you’re kind of intimidatingly beautiful. That, along with having to deal with my own issues, many of which are similar to yours, has kept me in my own world, when I should be more like Danielle.

What we’re going through makes it so easy to be badly bruised by the slightest little bump. You really are doing amazingly well, and there are plenty of people out here, myself included, who are envious of your many successes. Please try to really believe that, because it’s true.

Be Well...


 - Stephanie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 14, 2018, 08:39:09 am


Hi Amber,

Please don’t stop. I’m out here cheering silently for you, as I suspect many others are. I regret never having said so before, but it may have something to do with the fact that you’re kind of intimidatingly beautiful. That, along with having to deal with my own issues, many of which are similar to yours, has kept me in my own world, when I should be more like Danielle.

What we’re going through makes it so easy to be badly bruised by the slightest little bump. You really are doing amazingly well, and there are plenty of people out here, myself included, who are envious of your many successes. Please try to really believe that, because it’s true.

Be Well...


 - Stephanie

If this were pokemon I would say that a wild lurker has appeared.  It's been speculated that people are silently reading along, but it does surprise me.  I must say this is the first time I've ever been called intimidatingly beautiful 🤯.  There are so many prettier girls on this site.  I'm mostly a nice person, and this goes out to all the other lurkers, please speak up.  The honest truth is I feel amazingly insecure about the fact that no one, sans Danielle and occasionally Ellie and Laurie, say anything.  It's yet another one of those things I am working on. 

I find it particularly confusing that if many of our issues are similar, that you wouldn't reach out for some sense of solidarity.  I don't think my successes are particularly noteworthy.  I have been incredibly lucky and blessed in my transition, but I still deal with many of the same issues everyone else does.  I typically speak more about my life and emotional issues than anything else because they are typically the pressing issues at the time.  I have managed to clear most of the transition hurdles and an just kind of in a holding pattern until surgery.

It's going to take a good long while to process that I am intimidating for reasons I never suspected.  Thank you for chiming in and giving me something to think about.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 14, 2018, 08:40:04 am



               *Note:  end of Danielle saying something nice for now

Smart ass
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: steph2.0 on May 14, 2018, 10:03:01 am

If this were pokemon I would say that a wild lurker has appeared.  It's been speculated that people are silently reading along, but it does surprise me.  I must say this is the first time I've ever been called intimidatingly beautiful.  There are so many prettier girls on this site.  I'm mostly a nice person, and this goes out to all the other lurkers, please speak up.  The honest truth is I feel amazingly insecure about the fact that no one, sans Danielle and occasionally Ellie and Laurie, say anything.  It's yet another one of those things I am working on.

I find it particularly confusing that if many of our issues are similar, that you wouldn't reach out for some sense of solidarity.  I don't think my successes are particularly noteworthy.  I have been incredibly lucky and blessed in my transition, but I still deal with many of the same issues everyone else does.  I typically speak more about my life and emotional issues than anything else because they are typically the pressing issues at the time.  I have managed to clear most of the transition hurdles and an just kind of in a holding pattern until surgery.

Yes. This is almost exactly where I am now. I do most of my reaching out on my own thread, and I feel much as you do, like I'm yelling into a void with very few people listening. I have a few dear friends there who will comment, but generally my posts go unanswered, while I see some favorites here, typically the young, cuter ones, get all kinds of feedback. It's ok though. There are people reading. This thread has had over 8500 visits, and you have a reputation of +10 after only 610 posts! I only have a reputation of +11 after over 1800 posts (yeah, I whine a lot...). But I can see there are a lot of lurkers. I don't know why, but my thread has been visited over 35,000 times! (Whaaa??)

As for being beautiful, I am envious of your youth and fresh looks. After all, you're 23 years younger than I am. And we can all doll ourselves up and put on a false facade to impress, but it's telling when you're in casual mode, as in the picture with your hair down and your blingy shades, that you are impressively, unmistakably female. So don't sell yourself short! Those of us reaching our sixties can only sigh with the lost opportunities and be happy that those like you have a long wonderful life in front of you as we do the best we can with what we have.

Quote
It's going to take a good long while to process that I am intimidating for reasons I never suspected.  Thank you for chiming in and giving me something to think about.

I apologize again for not speaking up sooner. You're doing great!

Stephanie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on May 14, 2018, 10:06:58 am
Amber I understand your emotions now but realize life is full of ups and downs and you're stuck in the trough now.  This will pass as you very well know.  Keep your chin up and look at all you've accomplished. 

As for letting the thread go, I would advise against that.  First it can be cathartic to write about our lives and it provides a log so you can go back to see how you have survived through it all.  Second it shows others, particularly those at the beginning of their journey that its not all bad or good times but just like life in general. 

To quote your title, "Grrr, why is this so complicated?" I say that is the way of life.  The tougher the job the sweeter the success.  If it was easy we wouldn't need this forum or each other. 

It may be cliche, but this too will pass.  <<hugs>>

Judi
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 14, 2018, 11:05:19 am


Yes. This is almost exactly where I am now. I do most of my reaching out on my own thread, and I feel much as you do, like I'm yelling into a void with very few people listening. I have a few dear friends there who will comment, but generally my posts go unanswered, while I see some favorites here, typically the young, cuter ones, get all kinds of feedback. It's ok though. There are people reading. This thread has had over 8500 visits, and you have a reputation of +10 after only 610 posts! I only have a reputation of +11 after over 1800 posts (yeah, I whine a lot...). But I can see there are a lot of lurkers. I don't know why, but my thread has been visited over 35,000 times! (Whaaa??)

As for being beautiful, I am envious of your youth and fresh looks. After all, you're 23 years younger than I am. And we can all doll ourselves up and put on a false facade to impress, but it's telling when you're in casual mode, as in the picture with your hair down and your blingy shades, that you are impressively, unmistakably female. So don't sell yourself short! Those of us reaching our sixties can only sigh with the lost opportunities and be happy that those like you have a long wonderful life in front of you as we do the best we can with what we have.

I apologize again for not speaking up sooner. You're doing great!

Stephanie

I will admit I haven't wandered over to your thread.  I typically all on mobile and it's such a hassle sometimes that I typically stick to just a few threads.  I'll have to wander over sometime in the near future.

I can see the problem for the older ladies.  I have always been lucky to look younger than my age anyway, but hrt knocked a few more years of the appearance.  I'm lucky and happy to be pretty, but it's not why I transitioned.  I had a gut feeling I would do alright for myself, but I certainly exceeded my high expectations.  A friend of mine saw a photo of me (as a guy) and both my sisters.  She told me I was the prettiest sister . It's certainly not my intention to make other people jealous of what I happened to be blessed with.  My heart certainly goes out to all of you ladies who waited and endured so long before finding some succor.

Perhaps if I wanted more views I should start racking up the suitors like Danielle.  I think my wife may not like that very much.  However, I do have one interested party at the moment but it is causing me no end of grief.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: ReplacementSarah on May 14, 2018, 11:52:43 am
I feel like this thread has become pointless.  It seems to be a series of I post complaining about being me, Danielle says something nice, a week passes, lather, rinse, repeat.  Maybe I should let this go defunct...

As another person who enjoys reading your thread, I wouldn't call it pointless. I'm introverted, so I don't always feel comfortable posting in people's personal threads, so I tend to just quietly read along. Maybe as my own transition moves along I'll discover my more sociable side.  ;)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 14, 2018, 12:30:22 pm
As another person who enjoys reading your thread, I wouldn't call it pointless. I'm introverted, so I don't always feel comfortable posting in people's personal threads, so I tend to just quietly read along. Maybe as my own transition moves along I'll discover my more sociable side.  ;)
Aww, I hope you find your social side.  It took me almost a year of transition to start really being talkative.  I wouldn't be too worried about posting in people's little personal threads.  I'm sure everyone appreciates knowing their stories are interesting to people.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 14, 2018, 12:31:46 pm
Amber I understand your emotions now but realize life is full of ups and downs and you're stuck in the trough now.  This will pass as you very well know.  Keep your chin up and look at all you've accomplished. 

As for letting the thread go, I would advise against that.  First it can be cathartic to write about our lives and it provides a log so you can go back to see how you have survived through it all.  Second it shows others, particularly those at the beginning of their journey that its not all bad or good times but just like life in general. 

To quote your title, "Grrr, why is this so complicated?" I say that is the way of life.  The tougher the job the sweeter the success.  If it was easy we wouldn't need this forum or each other. 

It may be cliche, but this too will pass.  <<hugs>>

Judi
Thank you Judi.  I know it's temporary.  I just hate feeling like that.  As my therapist would tell you I am one of the first ones to write off my successes and focus on my "perceived" failings.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: davina61 on May 14, 2018, 01:06:24 pm
Another lurker here, I wish I was half as good as you but I wont let anything stop me. Have a bit of patience and don't forget the middle finger. Post your "vents/troubles" it helps to get things out and then you see all the support you have .XXXXXX and hugs
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: KathyLauren on May 14, 2018, 07:11:10 pm
Hi, Amber.  I am another lurker.  There are at least 20 personal blog threads, and I try to keep up with most of them.  I can't always find them all, and I don't always have something interesting or helpful to say.  Some days, I just don't have time to comment on any of them.

I understand the feeling, though, because I'll post in mine and then wonder if anyone even noticed.  But I carry on because it helps me, and maybe it might help someone else, even if they don't comment.

I do see you as beautiful and awesome.  I am sad that you don't.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 14, 2018, 09:12:40 pm
Hi, Amber.  I am another lurker.  There are at least 20 personal blog threads, and I try to keep up with most of them.  I can't always find them all, and I don't always have something interesting or helpful to say.  Some days, I just don't have time to comment on any of them.

I understand the feeling, though, because I'll post in mine and then wonder if anyone even noticed.  But I carry on because it helps me, and maybe it might help someone else, even if they don't comment.

I do see you as beautiful and awesome.  I am sad that you don't.

@KathyLauren  ... you nailed it with that thought... when we write about the issues we have it usually helps us more than anyone else.   
Writing down your feelings, disappointments and frustrations (and your successes) is very good therapy.  I even go a step beyond and keep a personal pen and paper journal complete with my doodling and I write more personal things that usually are not shared on a blog for all to read.  It really helps me to process my thoughts, my feelings, and my possible solutions to my issues.  I suggest to most everyone I write to consider these things.   

I know, @amberwaves that you have heard this from me multiple times.

Thank you Kathy for posting your thoughts, and you are correct, Amber is indeed beautiful and awesome
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 15, 2018, 05:39:09 am
Last night was funny.  My friend was giving me lessons on how to pose to show off my assets, so to speak.  She was a bit drunk and I was a bit embarrassed.  The kids had a great time hanging out with her neice and younger sister.  Jonathan is a little charmer and even got her bother to pick him up for a picture.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Chelsea on May 15, 2018, 07:57:37 am
Aww, I hope you find your social side.  It took me almost a year of transition to start really being talkative.  I wouldn't be too worried about posting in people's little personal threads.  I'm sure everyone appreciates knowing their stories are interesting to people.

Hi Amber, I just wanted to chime in and let you know I'm here too lurking. I always check out your thread it's just I really do not have any thing to comment sometimes. Mostly because I have only been on HRT for 2 months and have not yet been through the same things you girls have. I think you are beautiful and sweet, always have. :)

Hugs,
        Chelsea
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 15, 2018, 08:04:12 am
Hi Amber, I just wanted to chime in and let you know I'm here too lurking. I always check out your thread it's just I really do not have any thing to comment sometimes. Mostly because I have only been on HRT for 2 months and have not yet been through the same things you girls have. I think you are beautiful and sweet, always have. :)

Hugs,
        Chelsea
Hi Chelsea, I read your thread too.  I think I did comment once. You are still in that exciting early stage of transition so it's natural to not feel like you have much to contribute.  However, most of my problems at just general life issues so feel free to opine.  Also, thank you for the compliment I do try to be sweet.  Sometimes I every succeed.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 15, 2018, 03:38:54 pm
Amber:   It sounds like you had a great time last night with your friend...  I wish that you would have taken some pictures of your poses that your friend was teaching you about.  Also it was good that you had a nice time with all of the kids too.  It is fun to have fun.

I will borrow the phrasing for the title of your thread....  Grrr, why is this so complicated?   ... 
My suitor #1 that planned a dinner date with me and then "had" to cancel.... well, he is missing in action....  I talked to him a few times but he never got back to me with a new time that we could go out.  hmmmmm.
... and, when I was getting my coffee and cookies this morning to take back to my office, the cup had a plain white lid on it....  hmmmmm (again)

Well, all of your thread's lurkers are making themselves known now....  I am happy for you.
Always continue to keep posting your updates...... 
I look forward to reading your thread every day if not more.
Hugs,
Danielle

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 15, 2018, 04:00:35 pm
Amber:   It sounds like you had a great time last night with your friend...  I wish that you would have taken some pictures of your poses that your friend was teaching you about.  Also it was good that you had a nice time with all of the kids too.  It is fun to have fun.

I will borrow the phrasing for the title of your thread....  Grrr, why is this so complicated?   ... 
My suitor #1 that planned a dinner date with me and then "had" to cancel.... well, he is missing in action....  I talked to him a few times but he never got back to me with a new time that we could go out.  hmmmmm.
... and, when I was getting my coffee and cookies this morning to take back to my office, the cup had a plain white lid on it....  hmmmmm (again)

Well, all of your thread's lurkers are making themselves known now....  I am happy for you.
Always continue to keep posting your updates...... 
I look forward to reading your thread every day if not more.
Hugs,
Danielle
I would be far too embarrassed for photos, some were quite provocative.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Laurie on May 15, 2018, 10:48:50 pm
Okay Amber,

  It been proven. Your thread has an audience even if you feel it doesn't serve a purpose. It does. It does for you and for the rest of us that are reading your words. You get to share your life with others like you. You are not alone. So you whine, complain and vent. You also share your good times too Hun. We all have our ups and downs Amber. Some of us have really low downs that seem impossible to climb back from.
  I was such a one just a few months ago. I didn't want to climb back from it. I just wanted the hurt to stop. If spring had come before my anti depressant started working , it would have stopped... permanently. Fortunately they did start working and that hurt has stopped for a completely unexpected reason. I met Michelle and now we are girlfriends and I have a reason to live again. Things change. Hope renews. Happiness replaces that abysmal pain.
  Your thread has echoed such ups and down, complete with self incrimination and self loathing. Our downs let others know you need help just as they have needed help. Your highs give your readers hope that they can also become happy. We share your joy and your sadness. Because we are you and you are us. We all go through these things. Some of us don't make it and others do but our posts are our windows that allow us to eavesdrop on life and share that person's life. It is how we ask for help and how we help others.
  Your thread and your life have purpose girl. Don't sell either short.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 16, 2018, 02:39:41 pm
Okay Amber,

  It been proven. Your thread has an audience even if you feel it doesn't serve a purpose. It does. It does for you and for the rest of us that are reading your words. You get to share your life with others like you. You are not alone. So you whine, complain and vent. You also share your good times too Hun. We all have our ups and downs Amber. Some of us have really low downs that seem impossible to climb back from.
  I was such a one just a few months ago. I didn't want to climb back from it. I just wanted the hurt to stop. If spring had come before my anti depressant started working , it would have stopped... permanently. Fortunately they did start working and that hurt has stopped for a completely unexpected reason. I met Michelle and now we are girlfriends and I have a reason to live again. Things change. Hope renews. Happiness replaces that abysmal pain.
  Your thread has echoed such ups and down, complete with self incrimination and self loathing. Our downs let others know you need help just as they have needed help. Your highs give your readers hope that they can also become happy. We share your joy and your sadness. Because we are you and you are us. We all go through these things. Some of us don't make it and others do but our posts are our windows that allow us to eavesdrop on life and share that person's life. It is how we ask for help and how we help others.
  Your thread and your life have purpose girl. Don't sell either short.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Thanks Laurie.  I humbly accept your sage wisdom.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 19, 2018, 04:55:16 pm
Well the last two weeks have been a whirlwind.  I've been hanging out with my friend, also named Amber, a lot.  I used to work with her and I thought she was really cool, but aside from hanging out on lunch it's not like we were closer.  A few weeks ago I ran into her and we made plans.  I'm glad I did she is so much more awesome than I initially thought.  Her family is pretty awesome too.  They really all seen to enjoy my wife and I coming over, we even brought the kids one day, I previously mentioned this.

Like everything else that situation is more complicated than it likely should be.  Amber had been giving of some very mixed signals towards me and my wife.  This sparked a necessary discussion about our relationship.  It seems we are now in a very limited sort of open marriage.  This is honestly a good thing.  It prevents me from screwing things up.  I guess I need to stop befriending young bisexual girls, because this <poo> seems to pop up far too often now days.  In an ironic way I find it hilarious because I was never this successful with ladies when I was a guy and these days I'm not even trying .

Amber and her family find it really fascinating how open I am about my transition.  I really don't have any issues talking about it or answering questions.  I never really did,  as long as it's genuine curiosity rather than intended to be a dick.  Fwiw she just has such a hard time even  imagining me as a guy or anything other than a woman.  I admit I can understand how much of a mind eff it must be.  She agrees with me that life played a very cruel trick on my for the first 35 years of my life.  Hanging out with me has apparently sparked her curiosity about trans people a lot.  She has been watching a lot of trans YouTube vloggers to learn more.  I watched a few with her and was generally unimpressed.  A lot of them are very pretty, but just seen so vapid.  I joked that I should be one because I'm as pretty as most of them and can act like an air head of I want to.  She thought that was a great idea.  I was only joking, but it's not a terrible idea.  I think the world could use a more intellectual version of some of those videos.  Too bad I don't have the equipment or time. 

Today has been miserable at work.  I found it my coworker is not going to be making even more than me, I complained about this before.  We are implementing a new system in our department and it's terrible.  I need to get a real big girl job but seem so incapable of it.  I truly lack the self  confidence and gumption.  I have considered moonlighting as a server to bring in much needed extra cash, but I don't want to do for service again.  Every time I say "never again" life likes to remind me who is in charge and make me feel like <poo> about myself. Today I've been on the verge of tears like 6 times from stress.  Finding out about my coworker was just icing on the cake.  A lot of times I honestly wish I was an idiot and not talented.  I effing hate having to answer questions about why I work in a <poo> job when I'm so smart.  The world really needs to come to grips with the fact that smart does not equal successful.

I had my second session of genital electrolysis a few days ago.  It seems like she was able to get a lot more hairs this time because the swelling and scanning was significantly more.  I had a session for my face scheduled but I had to cancel it because I just flat out didn't have the cash to cover it.  I know I can get by without just shaving, best benefit of being blonde, but it feels like I'm just never going to be able to get it done.  Like everything else it just feels like I'm being stymied in my efforts.  I can't stand feeling like I'm banging my head against a wall.  I've been stomped on my continued efforts towards weight loss.  If I didn't have a medical reason I honestly would be okay with my weight.  I do think I look pretty good and it's still redistribution into a very favorable shape, but I NEED to lose these last 20 pounds. It's not about how I look or feel this time.

I want to say a big heartfelt thank you to all my lurkers who popped in to remind me that my experiences matter.  For quite a while I just felt like my stories and trails are just unimportant to others since they usually aren't transition related directly. I truly appreciate that so many of you bother to keep up with my doings.  I just wish the rest of my life could be as successful as my transition has been.  Honestly I've put forth so little effort towards becoming me, it all really seems like luck, that it is frustrating that things like career and stability and the like are so elusive for me. Life seems to keep promising me some measure of success in these areas only to instead give me a swift kick to the groin when my guard is down.  I'm not going to lie about it.  That aspect of my life just cuts me to the core.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on May 19, 2018, 07:26:44 pm
Amber you wrote "For quite a while I just felt like my stories and trails are just unimportant to others since they usually aren't transition related directly. I truly appreciate that so many of you bother to keep up with my doings."

Your writing is not unimportant to us.  We are the sum of our life's actions and aspirations.  Transition is just one part.  I love reading about you as I can see you have a life well lived, complete with its ups and downs.  Just like the rest of us.  You're doing fine and for the most part having fun.  That is the spirit!
Judi
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Sno on May 25, 2018, 06:33:58 am
Hi hon.

I’m here, quietly reading along. My T has me doing self compassion work at the moment. She was shocked when she saw my ‘inner critic’ at work. Her comment was ‘you, uh, really, uh don’t like yourself at all’... and yet people tell me I’m amazing, helpful, friendly, talented and the list goes on. I just see Gollum.

Anyway, back to normal programming - you know I’ll chime in if I’ve anything that may be helpful :)

(Hugs)


Rowan
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on May 25, 2018, 08:14:33 am
Even the with the few chats we had directly, I feel like I've missed an eternity catching up on your thread, I have no idea how I fell so far behind. I have been really self absorbed the past week apparently.  :-X

It makes perfect sense to me why you attracting all the young bi girls! ;D

I'm mad I missed the boat on the outpouring of support though! You know I <3 ya! :)

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 25, 2018, 09:37:45 am
snipped:
- - - - - - - - -
- - - - -- - - -
I want to say a big heartfelt thank you to all my lurkers who popped in to remind me that my experiences matter.  For quite a while I just felt like my stories and trails are just unimportant to others since they usually aren't transition related directly. I truly appreciate that so many of you bother to keep up with my doings.  I just wish the rest of my life could be as successful as my transition has been.  Honestly I've put forth so little effort towards becoming me, it all really seems like luck, that it is frustrating that things like career and stability and the like are so elusive for me. Life seems to keep promising me some measure of success in these areas only to instead give me a swift kick to the groin when my guard is down.  I'm not going to lie about it.  That aspect of my life just cuts me to the core.

Dear Amber:   Thank you for your detailed updates about your life journey.  Oh yeah, there is a lot more going on with all of us besides all of our emotional roller coasters with HRT and transitioning... and living as a female.   
Your job situation is certainly something that would be nice to be something that is satisfying and enjoyable for you... keep working on that.

Ewe... and I understand about the private area hair removal....... ouchie

So, anyway, Amber.... try to keep your emotions and your feelings aimed at end goals and not let these temporary life challenges detour you.   Stay mentally focused on the more happy goals that you have already achieved are going to achieve in the future.

Thank you from ME and your readers, and your faithful followers, and lurkers for keeping your thread up to date with the latest news about the goings on in your life journey.   WE WANT TO KNOW.   
What you have to say helps us with our journeys too!!!
Keep your updates comings.... and some more pictures too, but only as you feel so led.

Hugs, and more hugs,
Danielle

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 26, 2018, 08:04:32 am
Even the with the few chats we had directly, I feel like I've missed an eternity catching up on your thread, I have no idea how I fell so far behind. I have been really self absorbed the past week apparently.  :-X

It makes perfect sense to me why you attracting all the young bi girls! ;D

I'm mad I missed the boat on the outpouring of support though! You know I <3 ya! :)
Don't feel bad for missing the"outpouring of support".  You've been having a lot of life going on right now, plus I kind of figured you were still keeping up with things.

I wish I understood what it is about me that draws the young ladies.

Things are going well.  My daughter had her birthday Wednesday. She got an electric guitar with a tiny little amp.  I swear she hasn't put it down since she got it.  I can't wait until we can get her lessons and I hope she sticks with it.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Cassandra B on May 27, 2018, 11:56:49 pm
You think that's bad, I've been trying to get ahold of Medicaid to ask about what they do and do not cover regarding gender issues and it's just an endless cycle between two automated numbers, I can't even get to the point they don't call me back. :D Literally I call the number on my card, it has no menu options that go to a person, then says "for all other issues call 1-888-whatever" super quickly and hangs up. So I had to go back through it, being quick to grab the number. I call that number, it goes through a few other menu options that don't lead to a person and then does the same thing for the first number! I then called social security and they said they can't answer any questions about medicaid, and the only numbers they had were the ones I already tried. At this point if I could just get through to an overseas call center I'd be happy. :D

Medicaid follows the Fed AHA and covers Endocrinologist, Hormones, testsing, therapy, and SRS.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on May 28, 2018, 09:13:15 am
Medicaid follows the Fed AHA and covers Endocrinologist, Hormones, testsing, therapy, and SRS.

Wow, that's a bit of a throwback to an old complaint from last Oct, but sadly one still relevant! Not to hijack Amber's thread, but are you thinking of Medicare perhaps? Medicaid varies by state heavily. For Georgia, the only site I found to talk about it at all directly lists they have explicit exclusions on transgender care, and they still refuse to answer questions directly about it to this day. I've been able to sneak lab work past them but nothing else.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on May 28, 2018, 09:14:57 am
Yes it is a throwback.  Medicaid does not have the same guarantees on coverage that Medicare has.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 05, 2018, 07:45:59 am
I don't have time for a full update, but wanted to post something pretty awesome.  So long time readers of my thread will remember that way back in October I went to a wedding and bought a dress and was kind of freaked out about my appearance and the fact that I may be attractive.  Well a friend's of mine was looking through my photos and saw that one and I made an off-hand mention about having not work that dress since then.  Well I decided to put it on yesterday and omg the difference 7ish months can make.  It was pretty tight before, but now it's nice and loose.  I can't believe how much muscle I've lost in my upper body (in addition to fat ).

(http://i.imgur.com/2j2yKcY.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 05, 2018, 08:56:43 am
I don't have time for a full update, but wanted to post something pretty awesome.  So long time readers of my thread will remember that way back in October I went to a wedding and bought a dress and was kind of freaked out about my appearance and the fact that I may be attractive.  Well a friend's of mine was looking through my photos and saw that one and I made an off-hand mention about having not work that dress since then.  Well I decided to put it on yesterday and omg the difference 7ish months can make.  It was pretty tight before, but now it's nice and loose.  I can't believe how much muscle I've lost in my upper body (in addition to fat ).

(http://i.imgur.com/2j2yKcY.jpg)

Dear Amber:   Wow-whee.......  yes, the difference is amazing for sure.   HRT appears to not do things quickly but given some time as you have shown in your photos, the changes can be very dramatic, apparent and very positive. 
You are one beautiful woman
....  thank you for posting your long belated progress post. 
I had been impatiently waiting for you to update again on your thread.
Hugs and SQUEEEE !!!
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 05, 2018, 12:37:08 pm


Quote from: Alaskan Danielle link=topic=228875.msg2143005#msg2143005  date=1528207003
 
You are one beautiful woman
....  thank you for posting your long belated progress post. 

Hugs and SQUEEEE !!!
Danielle


Thanks for the compliment.  Looking at that photo makes me feel like I'm looking at a weight watchers ad or something.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 15, 2018, 11:08:18 am
Okay so a long over due update.  I probably won't remember to put everything in here or have the time because so much is happening.

I just had my third session of clearing on my genitals and ouch is it swollen and sore this time.  I do enjoy getting the time to talk with my technician though and keep her apprised on the happenings in my life.  She claims it's better than a soap opera.  I'm not sure it's quite that dramatic, but yeah it is interesting.  I haven't been posting about a fairly major thing going on lately, though I have messaged a few of you about it.

I have been spending an incredible large amount of time with my friend Amber (yes we share a name so be prepared for confusion).  At first it was just fun and casual drinking, but I kept getting signals that she was attracted to me.  I didn't do anything with that information at first.  Eventually when she was drunk one night she admitted that she was incredibly attracted to me.  I had to admit that I was attracted to her as well.  This signed a conversation with my wife about the status of our marriage and what the rules on other people were.  Surprisingly, she was amenable to the idea of a very limited open marriage. 

I discussed that with Amber and neither of us have done anything to forward because quite frankly we don't believe her.  In the interim we have hung out a lot.  She came over and helped us clean our house.  She had babysat the kids for us (she is so good with them). The kids are smitten and always asking if she is coming over or if we can go to her house.

She and my wife have had multiple opportunities to hang out, just the two of them.  She really likes her and enjoys her company.  After probing a good bit I finally got my wife to admit that yes she is jealous and really wishes she could hate her, but she can't.  The only reason she agreed to anything was because she felt like I would do something behind her back anyway.  She's not entirely wrong.  I've been known for being impulsive and making really poor decisions in the past.

Nothing really had happened between the two of us yet.  We did kiss twice and I did admit this to my wife.  Just wow, I haven't been kissed like that in years.  We have slept in the same bed on a few occasions and cuddled a bit, but that's it.  My wife knows about that too.  In fact the one night the whole family slept over at her place and she flat out told me to go sleep in her bed rather than wake the baby up at some good forsaken hot when I decided to come to bed.

This is where a snag comes up.  Amber has a twin sister, who is kind of a bitch.  She walked by and saw us in the same bed (we were both clothed and just sleeping) and there a conniption.  Seriously like a huge to hour argument complete with misgendering and lots of personal attacks.  Amber was completely mortified.  Personally, I don't care what her sister thinks of me and want only really concerned about how upset Amber was over it.  Sara and I went back out after her sister went to work.  The whole family was extremely upset with her sister.  We managed to lift her spirits, though she can't understand how I want upset.

The honest truth is I do have feelings for her being just attraction.  She is an incredible sweetheart.  My wife likes her too.  Unfortunately, I don't know how anything will play out.  Right now I'm not doing anything and just keeping all these balls juggling in the air until I know how things will settle.  It's not an eventually, but a very strong probability that something will happen eventually.

It's so if because we are so close to a polyamory situation, but not quite.  This just leaves everything complicated.  It doesn't help that this girl is only 21 and incredibly attractive to boot.  That can't be helping the jealousy issue.  Fwiw I continually easier my wife that I love her and will be with her forever no matter what.  It's so amusing that when I was a single guy I had horrible luck with ladies, but now I can't seem to about this kind of situation.  I guess I am muscling in on Danielle's monopoly on the relationship drama
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 15, 2018, 12:27:06 pm
Dear Amber:   Thank you for posting your latest UPDATE.   As one of your followers and frequent readers I have been curious about how things have been going for you.

My oh my.....  it is interesting hearing about your "relationship drama"  ...  please don't worry about  "muscling in on Danielle's monopoly on the relationship drama"   ...  there are plenty of interesting things on the forums for all of us to be wondering about and following.

It sounds to me that you have a lot going on in your relationships drama...  first and on top of the list is obviously staying on good terms with your wife....  then of course your scenario with Amber#2 is something that in my opinion you might want to continue to handle very carefully... then the twin sister, sleeping arrangements, etc, etc ... exciting stuff that could be volatile if not careful.  It sounds to me like there is "thin ice" under your feet that you need to try to avoid at all costs... but the good news is that so far you are doing a successful balancing act between your wife and Amber#2.    Please be careful and try to keep those hormones under control as you continue.

I am sure that I now speak for your other followers and readers >>> you have us all riveted to your thread, impatiently waiting to read your very next chapter.
Thank you for posting your report.

Hugs and well wishes to you,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 15, 2018, 12:52:01 pm


It sounds to me that you have a lot going on in your relationships drama...  first and on top of the list is obviously staying on good terms with your wife....  then of course your scenario with Amber#2 is something that in my opinion you might want to continue to handle very carefully... then the twin sister, sleeping arrangements, etc, etc ... exciting stuff that could be volatile if not careful.  It sounds to me like there is "thin ice" under your feet that you need to try to avoid at all costs... but the good news is that so far you are doing a successful balancing act between your wife and Amber#2.


Yeah I can't seem to avoid complicating my life.  I seriously had no idea or intentions of things turning it as anything other than just a fun casual friendship with the girl.

I wouldn't worry to much about the twin.  Mostly she is just being jealous because I am taking up so much of her sister's time.  The two of them have a rocky relationship to begin with and are prone to fighting.  Fwiw, angry totally went to bat for me I'm that argument.  Unfortunately for her, she really cares about both my wife and I.  I have already apologized numerous times for complicating her life, but she is having none if it.  Seriously the whole family is mad at her twin for blowing up and making a scene and insulting us.  Her mom even texted me to apologize and make sure we knew we were always welcome over there.

I have been very careful to put my marriage first.  The  fact that neither of us (Amber and I) haven't done anything to forward is evidence that we both care very much about my wife and her feelings.  We are both very impulsive personalities. So it's very surprising we are in as much control as we are.

I am treading very lightly through this situation.  Ultimately, my wife and family come first.  I'm just trying to keep as many people from hurting as possible.  If everything falls apart I already know I'll suffer, but I am working on mitigating collateral damage.

I have yet to really figure it out, but I seem to have some quality about me that draws people in and makes them develop feels even if it is not in their best interests. 
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on June 15, 2018, 07:03:32 pm
Wow that is a lot of drama. The twin sister isn't really fun drama though- just seems like an annoyance right now.
It's good to go with how you feel and sometimes it's attraction. Hmm I wish I had that. I'm very gaurded so I appreciate openness, I think it's great!

Danielle always the "hormone police" lol what's the policy on that anyway and how was it created?

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 23, 2018, 08:57:39 am
Lots of stuff going on my life at the moment.  Not all of it pleasant.  Just popping in to let everyone know I'm still alive and kicking.  Definitely been feeling rather down and isolated lately.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 23, 2018, 09:51:11 am
Lots of stuff going on my life at the moment.  Not all of it pleasant.  Just popping in to let everyone know I'm still alive and kicking.  Definitely been feeling rather down and isolated lately.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber: 
Your "check-in" posting is very much appreciated by me, and your other followers, and your readers.   
Take all the time that you need to sort things out. 
If you need to vent, this is a good place to do it. 
All of us here are your biggest fans and supporters.
Also, as always, feel free to PM me any time.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: KathyLauren on June 23, 2018, 09:56:04 am
Sorry to hear you are feeling down.  I hope things get better for you soon.  Thanks for checking in.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on June 23, 2018, 11:51:19 am
Yes to Danielle and Kathy's sentiments.  I hope things turn around soon for you.

Judi
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 26, 2018, 12:43:14 am
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:   OK now, time is up.... you have been silent on your thread for way too long now..... 
Please come back and post your latest update, and perhaps another beautiful picture of you would be in order as well.

I trust that your time-out was helpful to you and that you were able to work things out.
I miss you .... and I am certain that your other followers and readers miss you too!!

Hugs and well wishes, as always,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 26, 2018, 08:57:57 am
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:   OK now, time is up.... you have been silent on your thread for way too long now..... 
Please come back and post your latest update, and perhaps another beautiful picture of you would be in order as well.

I trust that your time-out was helpful to you and that you were able to work things out.
I miss you .... and I am certain that your other followers and readers miss you too!!

Hugs and well wishes, as always,
Danielle

Okay I'll write an update later today.  Apparently, some people just can't get enough of me
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: steph2.0 on June 26, 2018, 10:12:53 am
Okay I'll write an update later today.  Apparently, some people just can't get enough of me

Oh Amber, you never call or write! You know how we worry!


Stephanie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 26, 2018, 10:21:26 am
I feel like such a bad daughter
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 27, 2018, 08:57:29 am
Okay so I'm a bit late (I got busy last night), but here's the long awaited update.

There hasn't been a while lot of excitement in my life this last week or so.  Mostly just lots of time to myself and introspection.  Everyone had either been to busy, or just bad timing, or not in the mood to hang out or talk with me much.  I've discovered that now days I don't care for being by myself for long stretches.  I used to just isolate myself and spend lots of time doing my own thing.  Now I find that if I am left alone with no projects or other distractions that my brain seems to want to focus on all the perceived negatives and bring me down.  That is why I said I've been feeling isolated and lonely.

There are no real updates on the other Amber front.  She got into a very antisocial mood and basically just avoided everyone for a few days.  She said this is pretty normal for her.  Despite knowing it's normal for her it's still very hard not to overthink it and wonder if I said or did something to upset her.  I have a habit of being clingy and it tends to push people away so I struggled with that.  That being said, we hung out yesterday and everything is back to normal and she is out of her funk.

During my time to myself I confronted a few thoughts I had been avoiding for quite some time.  Basically there are some underlying problems in my marriage.  They have nothing to do with my transition.  Basically, over the past few years the spark between us died out.  We are best friends, rather than partners.  It's nothing either of us have actively done.  Just a fading of the intimacy.  I've spoken with her about it and we are working to fix things.

Money remains a problem.  I've been investigating solutions.  I've cool me up with a few ideas, but we will find out if anything pans out.  I haven't really been keeping up with Susan's lately.  To much on my mind I suppose.  I will have to catch up with how all of you fine ladies are doing.

For now I will leave you with a swimsuit selfie

(http://i.imgur.com/qOvkdCa.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on June 27, 2018, 09:37:56 am
I demand more swimsuit selfies.  :-*   >:-)  ;D
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 27, 2018, 10:57:25 am
I demand more swimsuit selfies.  :-*   >:-)  ;D
How much you willing to pay for em?  Maybe this is a new money making method
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 27, 2018, 02:56:15 pm
Just to vent. I hate my family.  Not my wife and kids but those selfish jerks I was unfortunate enough to be related to.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Roll on June 27, 2018, 04:04:44 pm
How much you willing to pay for em?  Maybe this is a new money making method

I spent all my money at pride, I have nothing left for the swimsuit selfies now.  :icon_ashamed:
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on June 28, 2018, 09:14:58 am
I'm done. I won't be posting for a good long while.  Things suck and I'm still a terrible human being.  Thank you all for your support over the last two years. I'm going back to being a hermit.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 28, 2018, 09:31:50 am
I'm done. I won't be posting for a good long while.  Things suck and I'm still a terrible human being.  Thank you all for your support over the last two years. I'm going back to being a hermit.

@amberwaves:   
Dear Amber...........   WHAT???     If you leave how am I going to handle the forums without my favorite red-head to follow around...    and also what about more swimsuit photos as @Roll Elie mentioned and that all of your readers and followers are looking forward to seeing?

If you must take some time off that is very understandable that you may require some "me time"  and can be a necessary thing to do for your own peace of mind but don't be gone forever... occasionally popping in and letting us know that you are OK would be comforting for the rest of us that care for you and have been following you.   Also, if you don't want to post on the forums for all to see, you can send me a brief PM as you have done previously to let me know that you are OK.

Love ya girl, 
Hugs and as always, well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: sarah1972 on June 28, 2018, 10:20:52 am
Nooo Amber! Please do not go back into hiding. And do not leave the forums. I know from my own experience how much support and hope this place can offer. You are not a terrible human being. You are a beautiful, strong and determined woman!

If you do not want to share in public, feel free to reach out via PM and share what is bothering you.

Stay strong!

Hugs,

Sarah

I'm done. I won't be posting for a good long while.  Things suck and I'm still a terrible human being.  Thank you all for your support over the last two years. I'm going back to being a hermit.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on June 28, 2018, 01:06:40 pm
Amber look how far you've come in those two years.  Retreating will not make you feel better.  Any PM's would be welcome.
Judi
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Sonja on July 03, 2018, 06:17:23 pm
@Amberwaves HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!   

I do hope you have a great day ( in one of your favourite dresses!! )

Thinking of you today,

Sonja X
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 04, 2018, 09:33:19 am
@Amberwaves HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!   

I do hope you have a great day ( in one of your favourite dresses!! )

Thinking of you today,

Sonja X
It's too hot for dresses.  Thank you for the birthday wishes.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 04, 2018, 06:59:00 pm
Okay so it cooled off a bit and I decided to pretty up for the party.  I'm still mostly avoiding being social, but I figured I would let everyone know I'm alive and happy on my birthday. Clearly, turned 29...again

(http://i.imgur.com/jRoN1KF.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on July 04, 2018, 11:16:13 pm
Amber you look great!  Happy Birthday, no matter the number! 
Judi
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 10, 2018, 09:49:54 am
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:     
   How is my favorite redhead doing??? 
        No updates or posts in almost a week!!! 

   I, along with your readers and followers will soon be having withdrawal pains if we don't see an update posting from you on here soon.

   Considering some of the things that you have stated in your past postings, I trust that things are going well for you with your job, friends, family, relationships, etc... and of course with your status as a trans-woman.   

        Hugs and continued well wishes,
          Danielle

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 11, 2018, 12:04:06 pm
The long and the short of it it's life sucks, I'm busy screwing everything up, and I don't want to talk to people.  Just an FYI Friday will be my 2 year anniversary of starting hrt.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 13, 2018, 08:09:32 pm
Well since people are curious here's an update.  Today marks 2 years on hormones.  It's been a wild and awesome ride.  I had my 4th session on my genitals today and it's going amazingly well.  I've invested in a few side projects to make some extra cash and one has at least yielded back my initial investment.  I got some new makeup on my birthday. So some things are going alright.

My wife had hernia surgery a week ago.  Therefore she has been mostly unable to take care of the kids, or the house, or much of anything.  I've been stuck dealing with all of that on top of working full time, trying to get side projects going, cooking dinner, any laundry, etc.  I'm stressed and honestly lonely because I am always doing something and I don't get to see my wife or any of my friends.  The summer weather doesn't help.  I am not built for warm weather and it makes me grouchy.  There are definitely unaddressed problems in my marriage that I just don't have time to deal with.  There are also unresolved issues in my friendship with Amber #2.  Unfortunately she has had a ton going on so none of that is getting addressed either.  I'm feeling very much like my feelings are just secondary to everyone and everything else lately and that is huge trigger for me.  So yeah life does kind of suck lately.  I'm trudging forward, but it's not very pleasant.  That's why I don't feel like talking much lately.  That and a complete lack of time.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 14, 2018, 12:54:26 am
Well since people are curious here's an update.  Today marks 2 years on hormones.  It's been a wild and awesome ride.  I had my 4th session on my genitals today and it's going amazingly well.  I've invested in a few side projects to make some extra cash and one has at least yielded back my initial investment.  I got some new makeup on my birthday. So some things are going alright.

My wife had hernia surgery a week ago.  Therefore she has been mostly unable to take care of the kids, or the house, or much of anything.  I've been stuck dealing with all of that on top of working full time, trying to get side projects going, cooking dinner, any laundry, etc.  I'm stressed and honestly lonely because I am always doing something and I don't get to see my wife or any of my friends.  The summer weather doesn't help.  I am not built for warm weather and it makes me grouchy.  There are definitely unaddressed problems in my marriage that I just don't have time to deal with.  There are also unresolved issues in my friendship with Amber #2.  Unfortunately she has had a ton going on so none of that is getting addressed either.  I'm feeling very much like my feelings are just secondary to everyone and everything else lately and that is huge trigger for me.  So yeah life does kind of suck lately.  I'm trudging forward, but it's not very pleasant.  That's why I don't feel like talking much lately.  That and a complete lack of time.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Certainly very good news about your 2 year HRT anniversary... Congratulations for hanging in there.  I personally know that it has taken willpower and determination... and much patience... to make it that far.  For sure it is a wild and awesome ride.

Good news about your side projects and making some extra money....  and your birthday present of new makeup.

So sorry to hear about your wife's surgery, hopefully she is on the mend now....  with her recovering from her hernia surgery you are definitely stretched dealing with work and with taking care of the home tasks.

Please continue to handle the Amber#2 situation very carefully... that could be like nitro glycerine if that issue is agitated too much.

Keep "trudging forward" and hopefully you will be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel soon enough.

Thank you for your update, I know that you probably did not want to write it... but your followers appreciate hearing about your life events as you feel free to share them.

Hugs, and hugs, and hugs again.
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 14, 2018, 09:13:03 am
You are reading way to much into the Amber #2 situation.  Things are very copacetic amongst all 3 of us.  There just happen to be a few matters that need addressed that seemingly there is never a time to do.  Nothing is going to blow up.  Nobody is sleeping with anybody else.  Hell, my wife and I even went and had keys made for her and are seriously discussing having her move in once we finish remodeling one of the bedrooms.  It's more an annoyance thing than a tread lightly thing.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 14, 2018, 09:29:44 am
You are reading way to much into the Amber #2 situation.  Things are very copacetic amongst all 3 of us.  There just happen to be a few matters that need addressed that seemingly there is never a time to do.  Nothing is going to blow up.  Nobody is sleeping with anybody else.  Hell, my wife and I even went and had keys made for her and are seriously discussing having her move in once we finish remodeling one of the bedrooms.  It's more an annoyance thing than a tread lightly thing.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:   OK, I am glad to hear that you feel that the Amber#2 thing is on the right track with you and your wife....   I stand corrected and wish all of you the best.

Thank you for your updates.  I rejoice with you regarding the good things that you report and I support you when hearing about some of the not so good things that you report.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on July 14, 2018, 09:46:00 am
Wow I didn't know about your wife's surgery and recovery. I hope she gets better soon.
Also, it's easy to ignore any issues but I think you should talk with your wife.
Good luck and let us know how things are going when you can.
We're rooting for you!!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 14, 2018, 02:46:34 pm
Whelp and just like that my mood drops back to where it's been.  I seriously wonder why the hell I bother to care sometimes.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 24, 2018, 04:10:56 pm
Whelp and just like that my mood drops back to where it's been.  I seriously wonder why the hell I bother to care sometimes.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber...
10 days have gone by since your last post and update on your personal thread....
...your readers and followers are a curious bunch...
and we can get upset if we don't hear about what you are up to... plus we get worried and concerned.

I saw your "selfie in the rain" picture that you posted on the "The Official You Look Fabulous Darling 9.0" thread today...  I was glad to see that my favorite redhead is looking very nice.

I trust that things are going OK in your world.   If they are we will rejoice with you, and if not we want the opportunity to be able to support you and show you some love.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 27, 2018, 09:27:53 am
Update time.  Now you can quit freaking out Danielle .  Things have been mostly good lately.  I'm still far too busy to keep up with much.  Working full-time and part-time with general household responsibilities and childcare to deal with leaves me with very little time to spend on things like Susan's, or sleep for that matter.

I've managed to with things out with Amber 2 and I think we are on the same page with things.  Definitely had a few hiccups along the way and at least one very uncomfortable conversation, but everything is copacetic.

My wife is healing up fine. She had her first shift back at work yesterday.  She is still on a strict weight restriction so dealing with the toddler is challenging.  Aside from when he is tired and cranky he had been incredibly good about it all.

I've been plugging away at getting my house cleaned and in order.  I managed to clean and rearrange my bedroom.  The living room and kitchen remain a mess.  I'll get there.  For now they remain functional, but cluttered.

Since it's been two years transitioning now, I've had to reflect on a lot of it.  I have been insanely blessed to pass very well.  I also got lucky enough to be cute on top of that.  This is good because it matches well with my personality since I am kind of cutesy and sweet by nature.  I noticed between year one and two that there have been tons of changes.  I've settled very much into who I was always meant to be.  I went from passable to unquestioningly feminine.  I had significant muddle atrophy between year 1 and 2.  Sh said an be done it's been great for me.  I'm definitely starting to get over the decades of negative self image and see a more realistic picture of what others see.

I have my surgery consult in 2 weeks.  Holy <poo>.  I remember booking it way back in September.  I'll finally be able to put some sort of timeline together.  I'm looking forward to it.  Hair removal of the sure is going swimmingly.  I should be completely done after my next 2 sessions.  Thank goodness.  That makes for such a long and uncomfortable day.

I'm still considering doing a few YouTube videos about everything.  The problem really is finding the time.  I think it would be enlightening to many.the one definitely is

So as if I didn't have enough drama, of the minor sort, I continue to give Danielle a run for her money as I now have 2 gentlemen who are very interested in me.  I'm not really doing anything to egg them on, but the one is seriously interested.  Who knew I would ever have all these issues to deal with.  Especially being married lol.  I don't plan on doing anything, but the attention is quite flattering.

If I could ever find a time where I don't have massive bags in her my eyes I will post a photo.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 27, 2018, 10:22:43 am
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:   
What? ... me freaking out because you are not updating your thread as much as I would like to see??? ???

It is good to hear that the problems and issues that life is throwing at you during your HRT journey that you are able to get your head around it and deal with it... and you can still stay upbeat and positive as much as you can!!!

I am glad to hear that your wife is on the mend and is able to go back to work...  you have been very thoughtful and doing what you have had to do while your wife was recovering from surgery...  with taking care of household duties and taking care of your kid, etc.   I am certain that she appreciates that of you.

Yes, I agree with you, and it was my experience also that during the 2nd year of HRT that a lot of big changes happened with a lot of good refinements in feminine body changes.....   my 3rd year I completed back in March this year and the refinements kept coming during the 3rd year as well... and after that it can only get better! 

So hang on Amber.... I am sure that .you will be pleased with your next year as well.   Oh, and that is great news about your appointment coming up for your surgery consultation....   and more good news that you reported about getting near the end of your sometimes uncomfortable hair removal sessions.   
In the end, all of this pain, discomfort, frustrations disappointments that all of us encounter in our own journeys will pass and you will be glad that you had the determination to stick with it, it will be worth it all when you can finally look back at it.

Wow-wee.... you have 2 male suitors... that is certainly a good feeling for them to flirt with you....BUT...  well, I don't have to remind you that I think that you need to handle this carefully...  we both know very well how men can be when they are in pursuit....   coming from you, .any kind of reply, any kind of comment.... anything at all, they will consider it a green light to continue their pursuit and if you are not careful it can turn into hurt feelings, anger, stalking, etc.   
When I was on online dating sites, which I am no longer, I would get unsavory messages from guys and I would send a nice "no, not interested message" and that seemed to add fuel to their fire and they even considered that kind of reply a green light, and then I would start getting nasty messages like WHY don't I want to see them or WHY are you ignoring me....  and some of those unwanted messages got really nasty, insulting and felt very creepy and scary.... 
.... so again, ignore and don't reply is the best move, especially for you I would think... you are married and have a family.   If the suitors are in real life, and not just online that really increases the possible bad situations for you.
Please be safe and be very careful.... you don't want to do anything that would jeopardize your family situation.
    YES, it is flattering, enjoy that moment but know when to cut it off.

All of that is just my unsolicited and probably unwanted opinion.... that is all it is.  Advice is only worth what you paid for it... as the old saying goes.

Again Amber........ thank you for bringing me and the rest of your regular readers and followers up to date.
Hugs,
Danielle

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Sonja on July 29, 2018, 01:40:05 am
I also got lucky enough to be cute on top of that.  This is good because it matches well with my personality since I am kind of cutesy and sweet by nature.
@amberwaves 
Excellent Amber!! I had you pegged for sweet and cute - so you're definitively looking the part!

A womans work is never done,  but you have and are, achieving so much!!

Sonja.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 29, 2018, 09:14:17 am


Excellent Amber!! I had you pegged for sweet and cute - so you're definitively looking the part!

Sonja.

It's just funny too me sometimes to be that way because I used to be such a jerk all the time.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 04, 2018, 10:54:34 am

It's just funny too me sometimes to be that way because I used to be such a jerk all the time.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber: 
That is very difficult for me to believe....
I have been closely following your thread since early February and you have never presented yourself as a jerk.... 
You are one of my favorites here on the Forums that I always look forward to reading and catching up on your thread.

Keep the updates coming!!!
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 04, 2018, 10:57:40 am
@amberwaves
Dear Amber: 
That is very difficult for me to believe....
I have been closely following your thread since early February and you have never presented yourself as a jerk.... 
You are one of my favorites here on the Forums that I always look forward to reading and catching up on your thread.

Keep the updates coming!!!
Hugs,
Danielle

I was mostly referring to me prior to transition.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on August 04, 2018, 12:39:50 pm
Sorry Amber, I haven't posted here in a while. It makes me feel good that things are coming together so well for you. It is nice to hear you describe a more peaceful mindset for you and your life. I know things have been very difficult for you in the past, but we only have to live our days from here forward, and not the ones already in the books. Hugs to you nice lady!
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 04, 2018, 01:06:30 pm
Sorry Amber, I haven't posted here in a while. It makes me feel good that things are coming together so well for you. It is nice to hear you describe a more peaceful mindset for you and your life. I know things have been very difficult for you in the past, but we only have to live our days from here forward, and not the ones already in the books. Hugs to you nice lady!
Moni
Oh my goodness, you still are alive and kicking!  Yes things have been better overall.  Still have some downers, but I feel I'm getting slightly better at managing them.  Thanks for popping in.  I've missed your sage wisdom.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on August 04, 2018, 01:18:47 pm
Oh my goodness, you still are alive and kicking!  Yes things have been better overall.  Still have some downers, but I feel I'm getting slightly better at managing them.  Thanks for popping in.  I've missed your sage wisdom.
If you don't mind, I'll focus on the 'sage wisdom' thingy not the 'Oh, you are still alive part.' lol Now remember, I'm only 3 years old in 'trans years.'
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 04, 2018, 01:40:37 pm
If you don't mind, I'll focus on the 'sage wisdom' thingy not the 'Oh, you are still alive part.' lol Now remember, I'm only 3 years old in 'trans years.'
The alive and kicking was more in reference to you not commenting on my thread in ages, rather than a remarkable about age, but if you want to go there, I guess we can.  I'm only 2 in trans years so your still 50% oldaer and wiser than I
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on August 04, 2018, 03:44:22 pm
The alive and kicking was more in reference to you not commenting on my thread in ages, rather than a remarkable about age, but if you want to go there, I guess we can.  I'm only 2 in trans years so your still 50% oldaer and wiser than I
I am going to respond to your comment like any other mature 3 year old and say, "Oh yeah!"   ;D >:-)  :P
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 07, 2018, 09:29:53 am
Everyone's favorite time again, updates!  Despite some set backs I have managed to avoid slipping into a depression.  The financial situation is worse than ever and we are in serious danger of losing the house.  Like seriously, serious danger.  Time for me to try to work some magic and see if I can pull through one more time.  It's entirely possible we will have to file for bankruptcy.  My wife's income had been cut too badly for almost 9 months and we just kept slipping farther and farther.  For those who haven't been poor, I don't recommend it.  Unfortunately, it is far too common in the post modern economy.  My side income stream is helping but it's far too little much too late.

It's unclear yet but I may have to choose between our house and surgery.  I know which choice it would have to be but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  I don't typically discuss the details of our finances, so much as to say it's lean, but I feel like it's important to state why since I've put so much time towards getting surgery.

Speaking of surgery, I finally had my consult with Dr McGinn.  That went well.  I can't do anything until I drop these last 20 pounds to get under the BMI requirement.  Once I do I could be set to have surgery within weeks if I so desired.  Everything looks good and there is plenty of material to work with.  I have my letters and I'm most of the way done with clearing the hair from the area. So I'm ahead of the curve.

I reinstated my gym membership and plan to go everyday on my way home from work.  I need to knuckle down and fix my eating habits too.  I've definitely noticed I tend to over indulge once my Adderall wears off.  So a few changes and I should be gtg.  I don't imagine it will take super long to drop the weight.  Just need some willpower and avoiding my crutch of emotional eating.

The financial aspect of surgery is questionable.  Medical Assistance will cover it, but I will still need the money up front.  No clue how I'm going to do that, but I'll think of something.  I'm going to get a YouTube channel up and running to talk about gender issues and the experiences I've had with transition.  That will help to document things and to provide a very slight bit of ad revenue.  I'm not above doing a GoFundMe campaign as it gets closer, though I have little faith I would be able to raise much.

I'm stuck in a bit of a hard place.  I could get a job that uses my degree and pays well, but I would lose my insurance and there is very little guarantee my surgery would be covered, or I could stay the course and cut all but the most pressing expenses (almost there anyway) and try to ride the current plan out.  Sadly, in either case it looks like things will get delayed.

I already have very little free time.  I work 40 hours a week plus at least an hour of travel time per day.  My side gig is taking 3 hours per night on average.  Unfortunately, I am stuck doing the cooking and the vast majority of the cleaning.  Now I need to add in gym time, up food prep time for health reasons, get YouTube up and running, finish remodeling a bedroom so we can rent it out to Amber #2 (she is going to move in btw, seriously she is like family now), it's summer so I still have yardwork to maintain, do pretty much all the grocery shopping, and hopefully have some time for the kids.  It's a mess.

Speaking of my wife we had a long talk the other day.  She finally opened up to me a bit about some things.  I wish I could light a fire under her butt to help out more at home, but things are moving in the right direction.  We discussed the open marriage thing and came to a better understanding.  I have a male suitor who has been incredibly interested in occasionally spending some time together.  He knows I'm married and isn't looking to change either of our situations.  It's unclear if anything will happen yet, but it's a possibility.

On a lighter note I ran into Maybebaby and Rachel at papillon yesterday.  Lucky for me Terri was nice enough to wear the exact same dress she has on in her avatar photo to make it easier for me to identify her.  We chatted for a bit and both seem like very nice ladies.  So I guess there was at least one positive of being stuck waiting forever to see the Dr.  I get to make the onerous drive back down there Friday for another electrolysis session.  I enjoy chatting with Ramona, but I could certainly do without the bruising and swelling of my sensitive area that follows.

Another side note, my boobs reminded me this week that they are not done growing yet.  They turned back into cones on me and definitely have a lump underneath.  I'm not complaining, just pleasantly surprised.  Just putting that out there for all of you ladies.  Two years in and it still happens.

I won't have a whole lot of time to be checking the forums but I'll be around some.  Tata ladies.

Amber
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: HappyMoni on August 07, 2018, 11:34:04 am
Amber,
   Wow it does sound crazy. Glad you are staying away from depression. You sound very positive despite the difficult circumstances. Maybe Amber 2 might help with the finances if she pays some rent.
   It's funny you saw Terri and Rachel there. Terri stopped by my house for a nice visit on the way up there.
   Keep your chin up and check in when you can.
Moni
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 07, 2018, 12:27:18 pm


Amber,
   Wow it does sound crazy. Glad you are staying away from depression. You sound very positive despite the difficult circumstances.

30+ years of repressing everything helps.  It's not easy and I may still lose the fight, but at least I'm trying.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on August 07, 2018, 12:37:48 pm
Wow Amber, you're a busy gal. I think talking with your wife is good... Major points for that. So the other Amber moved in with you?
Do you have insurance to cover your srs? Maybe you can get both house and a vagina

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 07, 2018, 12:53:13 pm
Wow Amber, you're a busy gal. I think talking with your wife is good... Major points for that. So the other Amber moved in with you?
Do you have insurance to cover your srs? Maybe you can get both house and a vagina

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Well I just spoke with the insurance company today and got someone who knows what they are talking about.  Turns out that no they will only cover gcs if I go to Rumer.  So let's just add that to the pile of things that are not going to happen any time soon.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 07, 2018, 03:35:15 pm
Well depression is going to win for a while.  So is anger.  Time for my own safety to shut off emotions for a while until I fix things or they irreparable fall apart.  I'll either be back triumphant or in tears.  Ciao for now.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 08, 2018, 09:04:16 am


So the other Amber moved in with you?

I missed this part earlier.  No she hasn't moved in yet.  We discussed it and she is going to eventually, but I have to finish remodeling one of the rooms first.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on August 09, 2018, 08:19:55 am
Ok Amber. I'm sad to hear you're feeling depressed. That's been my general mood.. but I hope you snap out of it soon. We can't both be so negative when I'm the baby trans early in transition... But you know I look up to your honesty at every step of the way in your transition and life. How do we even get along? Lol

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 09, 2018, 02:09:47 pm
Ok Amber. I'm sad to hear you're feeling depressed. That's been my general mood.. but I hope you snap out of it soon. We can't both be so negative when I'm the baby trans early in transition... But you know I look up to your honesty at every step of the way in your transition and life. How do we even get along? Lol

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Even role models get drepressed sometimes girl .  I'll pull through.  Right now just trying to refocus on the solutions rather than the problems.  Like I said b4 I'll either emerge triumphant or a complete train-wreck. I feel the smart money is on triumphant.  It takes a lot to keep this girl down for long.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 09, 2018, 02:42:15 pm
Even role models get drepressed sometimes girl .  I'll pull through. Right now just trying to refocus on the solutions rather than the problems.  Like I said b4 I'll either emerge triumphant or a complete train-wreck. I feel the smart money is on triumphant.  It takes a lot to keep this girl down for long.

@amberwaves
My dear Amber:
I am so glad to see your recent postings on your thread.  I always am concerned when I see that you go silent for a time without posting updates. 

I am seeing that there is a lot of good news and some not so good news in your longish update that you posted two days ago on August 07  ....
....that is the way that life is, we have to take the bad with the good sometimes....
             ...and deal with it... just like you stated...
    Right now just trying to refocus on the solutions rather than the problems.

I am so glad to see that you have maintained your upbeat, can-do, positive attitude about how to deal with life's trials and tribulations... good times and bad times, etc. 
hmmm, sounds a lot like what goes on in my  "Positive Mindset... put away negativity" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html) thread.

Thank you for keeping your thread alive and well...
Your readers and followers are a curious bunch, and we want to follow you life's endeavors that you care to share with us.

Hugs and hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 14, 2018, 02:05:15 pm
Even role models get drepressed sometimes girl .  I'll pull through.  Right now just trying to refocus on the solutions rather than the problems.  Like I said b4 I'll either emerge triumphant or a complete train-wreck. I feel the smart money is on triumphant.  It takes a lot to keep this girl down for long.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber....
Good day to you my red-headed forums friend.   
I trust that you are triumphant today....

I will be looking forward to your next update on your thread.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 15, 2018, 06:29:23 am
Time for an opinion that's going to make me unpopular.  So many transwomen are way too stuck in the mindset that their feminization is progressing too slow and that because they aren't a teenager that it's going to be ineffective, or that it'll never happen, or that there are definitive windows where effects happen.  While it may be the tend is that trans women don't feminize as much as natal females (citation needed) and that certain effects tend to happen within certain timeframes.  This is really beside the point.

I understand the strong desire to become some routine of feminine for many, but really this is not that far from how natal women view themselves.  Everyone wants something different about themselves.  Work on being you and try not to sweat the stuff you have next to no control over.  So much of the physical is defined by poorly understood genetics and it mostly seems like luck.  Work on being there most awesome you that you can.  Why break or of some gender based box just too yourself into some "ideal" box.  Be you and screw what others think.  Women come in all shapes and sizes and some are pretty and some are ugly.  Some are masculine and have masculine hobbies and that's okay.  I know we are insecure about everything that could possibly be seen as masculine, but seriously so many people deny their own happiness trying to be something that's not them.

Before any hate comes my way.  I realize that it's pretty easy to feel the way I do when you pass.  I realize it's easy to say this when you got lucky and are pretty.  However, for what it's worth, I never tried to be something I'm not during my transition.  Yes I have things I wish were different about my body and personality.  The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition.  This fact does not mean my opinion is invalid.  It's easy to lose yourself trying to fit some ideal rather than dealing with what is.  Seriously, some women need to just grow up.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on August 15, 2018, 11:34:45 am
Amber, no apologies needed.  You say "but seriously so many people deny their own happiness trying to be something that's not them."  I agree wholeheartedly.  Be you!

Judi
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 15, 2018, 11:44:17 am
Time for an opinion that's going to make me unpopular.  So many transwomen are way too stuck in the mindset that their feminization is progressing too slow and that because they aren't a teenager that it's going to be ineffective, or that it'll never happen, or that there are definitive windows where effects happen.  While it may be the tend is that trans women don't feminize as much as natal females (citation needed) and that certain effects tend to happen within certain timeframes.  This is really beside the point.

I understand the strong desire to become some routine of feminine for many, but really this is not that far from how natal women view themselves.  Everyone wants something different about themselves.  Work on being you and try not to sweat the stuff you have next to no control over.  So much of the physical is defined by poorly understood genetics and it mostly seems like luck.  Work on being there most awesome you that you can.  Why break or of some gender based box just too yourself into some "ideal" box.  Be you and screw what others think.  Women come in all shapes and sizes and some are pretty and some are ugly.  Some are masculine and have masculine hobbies and that's okay.  I know we are insecure about everything that could possibly be seen as masculine, but seriously so many people deny their own happiness trying to be something that's not them.

Before any hate comes my way.  I realize that it's pretty easy to feel the way I do when you pass.  I realize it's easy to say this when you got lucky and are pretty.  However, for what it's worth, I never tried to be something I'm not during my transition.  Yes I have things I wish were different about my body and personality.  The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition.  This fact does not mean my opinion is invalid.  It's easy to lose yourself trying to fit some ideal rather than dealing with what is.  Seriously, some women need to just grow up.


@amberwaves
Dear Amber:

Wow, what you posted is a wonderful reminder for all transitioners that we are all different and that we need to embrace our own bodies and minds as they are and what they are becoming.  Our experiences will be unique especially in our transition journey and we reach for our goals.   

I most certainly endorse and commend your posting so much that I made a point of quoting it on my reply comment here so it would not be easily missed.

Thank you for posting your very applicable and helpful thoughts.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: davina61 on August 15, 2018, 03:23:53 pm
I totally agree , that my philosophy just plod on and do the best I can and not have high expectations . Its a bonus when the good stuff happens 
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: KathyLauren on August 15, 2018, 05:27:07 pm
The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition.

Amber, I could have written those words, and now I wish I had.

I am all about being real, and I love it that I finally have that chance.  I will never be pretty, but I look okay, and that is fine with me.  I knew going in that, thanks to my mother's genes, I would most likely never get beyond an A cup.  I am an A now and still growing slowly, so no complaints there.  (Doesn't mean I can't grumble, but I'm not too serious about it.)  I don't generally 'out' myself (except when I do), but I don't try to be stealth either.  If someone figures it out, that is fine, and, unless they cause me problems, it is none of my business.

This:
Quote
Work on being the most awesome you that you can.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 15, 2018, 05:31:22 pm
Amber, I could have written those words, and now I wish I had.

I am all about being real, and I love it that I finally have that chance.  I will never be pretty, but I look okay, and that is fine with me.  I knew going in that, thanks to my mother's genes, I would most likely never get beyond an A cup.  I am an A now and still growing slowly, so no complaints there.  (Doesn't mean I can't grumble, but I'm not too serious about it.)  I don't generally 'out' myself (except when I do), but I don't try to be stealth either.  If someone figures it out, that is fine, and, unless they cause me problems, it is none of my business.


Snipped:
- - - - - -
.  Work on being there most awesome you that you can. 
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition. 


@KathyLauren   @amberwaves
Dear Kathy... and  Amber:

EXCELLENT points that both you girls made....   
....thank you for sharing this bit of "life wisdom."

Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on August 15, 2018, 06:03:29 pm
you're right girl. We kinda had this convo yestersday actually
I really do understand when others complain and feel inscure. It's such a sad and lonely feeling.
I hope others are able to grow out of that and be comfortable with who they are... Sadly I'm still not one of those people

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 15, 2018, 06:16:17 pm
you're right girl. We kinda had this convo yestersday actually
I really do understand when others complain and feel inscure. It's such a sad and lonely feeling.
I hope others are able to grow out of that and be comfortable with who they are... Sadly I'm still not one of those people

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Well I had a very similar conversation about 4 different times over the past week.  So I just wanted to speak my mind about it.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on August 15, 2018, 10:20:02 pm
Well I had a very similar conversation about 4 different times over the past week.  So I just wanted to speak my mind about it.
I understand and it's okay. Thank you for always listening to me so graciously

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: TonyaW on August 16, 2018, 02:48:18 pm
Time for an opinion that's going to make me unpopular.  So many transwomen are way too stuck in the mindset that their feminization is progressing too slow and that because they aren't a teenager that it's going to be ineffective, or that it'll never happen, or that there are definitive windows where effects happen.  While it may be the tend is that trans women don't feminize as much as natal females (citation needed) and that certain effects tend to happen within certain timeframes.  This is really beside the point.

I understand the strong desire to become some routine of feminine for many, but really this is not that far from how natal women view themselves.  Everyone wants something different about themselves.  Work on being you and try not to sweat the stuff you have next to no control over.  So much of the physical is defined by poorly understood genetics and it mostly seems like luck.  Work on being there most awesome you that you can.  Why break or of some gender based box just too yourself into some "ideal" box.  Be you and screw what others think.  Women come in all shapes and sizes and some are pretty and some are ugly.  Some are masculine and have masculine hobbies and that's okay.  I know we are insecure about everything that could possibly be seen as masculine, but seriously so many people deny their own happiness trying to be something that's not them.

Before any hate comes my way.  I realize that it's pretty easy to feel the way I do when you pass.  I realize it's easy to say this when you got lucky and are pretty.  However, for what it's worth, I never tried to be something I'm not during my transition.  Yes I have things I wish were different about my body and personality.  The goal for me was to just figure it and be who and what I like.  I got insanely lucky in my transition.  This fact does not mean my opinion is invalid.  It's easy to lose yourself trying to fit some ideal rather than dealing with what is.  Seriously, some women need to just grow up.
I hope it doesn't make you unpopular,  because I think you're right. Might be something that some people don't want to hear though.

Personally,  I realize all this intellectually, but that doesn't stop me from emotionally wanting it all to happen yesterday.  Usually I can keep that in balance but once in awhile for unknown reasons it will throw me into a funk that lasts longer than it should and I can go all whiny bitch about it.

I've been lucky in the social transition part (no job issues, no friend loss yet,  family supportive) so it's easy for me to focus on the things that could be better. Those are mostly the physical changes and being taller than 99% of cis women at 6'2" can make me impatient with the pace of change.  I'm 18 months on HRT and  about a year full time. When I can emotionally step back, I'm ok with my progress even though I wish it were better.

It did get me thinking about a golf mindset.
You need to believe that you will hit every shot as good as you can while realizing at the same time you won't and then not beating yourself up over it.  The last bit about not beating yourself up over not being perfect is the hard part in the mental part of golf and the part I find similar to transitioning. I'm not always the best at that either place.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 17, 2018, 09:39:49 am
It's been a very trying few days.  I just can't force myself to apply to jobs and I pretty much assume I'm going to fail.  I had therapy yesterday and got to spend a lot of time talking through some of this.  Honestly, I've lost faith in myself.  I really lost it yesterday ago.  I just can't visualize what a successful me looks like.  I mean this quite literally.  I try to, but it's just not there.  Everyone else can see it.  Rationally I can see all the reasons I should be.  I just keep sabotaging myself so I won't be.  It's like deep down I feel like I deserve to be a failure.  I'm well aware of how unhealthy that is.  I'm not looking for others to chime in with positivity. mostly I'm just sharing.  I don't know what it was in my past that broke me.  I wish I could just point to some memory and go aha!  Instead I just get to feel am empty pit.  I'm really good at making others believe that I'm capable and confident.  I was asked how I'm stronger now than I was as my old self, but I honestly can't answer it.  I don't believe I am.  I lost the ability to shut everything off and just march forward.  I feel now and I don't really know how to be strong.  I'm 37 now and I feel like a scared 7 year old.  I managed to not cry during therapy.  I went home and had a pity party/crying spree.  This in and of itself is surprising.  I almost never cry over myself.  I just can't seem to get past how monumentally broken I am.  When I'm like this it taints every interaction with others.  I can't help but feel apathy or dejected by everything anyone says or does. I don't know how long this particular mood will last, but needless to say I'm not enjoying it.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Maybebaby56 on August 17, 2018, 05:33:10 pm
It's been a very trying few days.  I just can't force myself to apply to jobs and I pretty much assume I'm going to fail.  I had therapy yesterday and got to spend a lot of time talking through some of this.  Honestly, I've lost faith in myself.  I really lost it yesterday ago.  I just can't visualize what a successful me looks like.  I mean this quite literally.  I try to, but it's just not there.  Everyone else can see it.  Rationally I can see all the reasons I should be.  I just keep sabotaging myself so I won't be.  It's like deep down I feel like I deserve to be a failure.  I'm well aware of how unhealthy that is.  I'm not looking for others to chime in with positivity. mostly I'm just sharing.  I don't know what it was in my past that broke me.  I wish I could just point to some memory and go aha!  Instead I just get to feel am empty pit.  I'm really good at making others believe that I'm capable and confident.  I was asked how I'm stronger now than I was as my old self, but I honestly can't answer it.  I don't believe I am.  I lost the ability to shut everything off and just march forward.  I feel now and I don't really know how to be strong.  I'm 37 now and I feel like a scared 7 year old.  I managed to not cry during therapy.  I went home and had a pity party/crying spree.  This in and of itself is surprising.  I almost never cry over myself.  I just can't seem to get past how monumentally broken I am.  When I'm like this it taints every interaction with others.  I can't help but feel apathy or dejected by everything anyone says or does. I don't know how long this particular mood will last, but needless to say I'm not enjoying it.

Hi Amber,

I don't know if it matters, but I can relate to much, if not most, of what you are saying.

I just can't force myself to apply to jobs and I pretty much assume I'm going to fail.

I hear you. I'm not job-hunting, but I have been passed over twice for promotion in the last three years.  There is one high-grade slot left in my branch. I find myself already planning on what to do when I am passed over again.  Not a great attitude.

I'm really good at making others believe that I'm capable and confident.
It's like deep down I feel like I deserve to be a failure.

I am capable and quite competent at my job, and I have the publications and credentials to prove it, but I always expect failure, and, yes, I feel like I deserve to fail.  It's irrational and it is incredibly self-defeating. And I know this.  And I still indulge in it. And it's not just about employment. It spills over into my personal life as well.

I have gotten so far with my transition. Way beyond anything I thought possible. I am a passable post-op transsexual at age 61.  Do I congratulate myself? Do I recognize how incredibly fortunate I am?  Do I feel grateful?  No, no, and no.

I dwell in my lack of satisfaction with SRS, and how I can't function like a normal female, how I'll never have a  boyfriend, how I didn't transition when I was younger, etc., etc.  I am incredibly skilled in finding the dark cloud in any silver lining.

I was asked how I'm stronger now than I was as my old self, but I honestly can't answer it.  I don't believe I am.

I pulled out this sentence because it's one thing I can point to, with empirical evidence, and say "Yes, I am much stronger than I ever believed I was, because I managed to transition, which is the  scariest thing I have ever done in my life!"

So why don't I feel like it? Why can't I acknowledge that I am a capable and brave person who deserve some kudos, if only from myself, on what I have accomplished?  I don't know, but I ought to try it sometime.

I don't really know how to be strong.

Ah, but you do. I've met you in person at Dr. McGinn's office. There was nothing small or weak about you. But I totally get what you are saying and what you're feeling. I don't give myself credit, either, but look how far we have come!  Just look in the damn mirror, girlfriend! 

I don't know how long this particular mood will last, but needless to say I'm not enjoying it.

No, I'm sure you're not.  But you have scaled a mountain, the biggest obstacle you have probably ever faced in your life, and you are tired.  Give yourself permission to wallow for a bit. Then gather yourself up, and continue to find your destiny.

With kindness,

Terri
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on August 31, 2018, 09:36:40 am
I haven't updated in a while.  This won't be a full length update, but just a quickie.

Things are terrible.  We are very likely going to lose the house.  I have yet to get anywhere finding a new job.  My wife still hasn't gotten her house sorted it at work.  We're mega broke and likely to soon be homeless.

I was takes at my last thereof session to envision a future me and for the first time in my life I've got nothing.  No vision of any future being the next year or so.  This had me deeply disconcerted.  Even if it was false how or daydreams of a better future that would be something. Instead it's like trying to look through a wall.  It makes me feel as if I'm living on borrowed time.  As if it was supposed to be over, but I managed to borrow a few years by transitioning.  I'm not contemplating anything, just expressing what it feels like.  I have therapy this afternoon and I imagine my psyche will be in shambles yet again afterward.  Not particularly looking forward to it.

My marriage is feels like it's over.  We aren't figuring it anything, just a whole lot of nothing.  It's been this way for a while.  Plus we are just terrible for each other.  We are unable to help each other get better.  Anyone who said love conquers all it's living in a dream world.  Everything has its breaking point and I feel we may be reaching ours (if we haven't already reached that threshold).  I don't know what is going to happen there either.

I realize I don't have any reliable friends anymore.  I'm not really sure I ever did tbh.  The current crop just seems to be taking advantage of my good nature.  I need to stop being nice and just be a selfish bitch like I keep getting accused of being anyway.  I'm tired of people entering my life just to leave after 3 or 4 months.

For the first time in really starting to consider that transitioning may have been one of the worst decisions I've ever made.  For a brief but of time everything sensed fine and dandy.  However everything wrong in my life has accelerated to warp speed.  I honestly don't know how to deal with things anything since nothing seems to work in my favor and I am hurt significantly harder by each failing than I used to be.

I'm holding things together barely.  For how long?  Who knows.  Whether it's me screwing things up or just plain bad luck seems irrelevant at the moment.  It's very tempting to just sit back and watch the world burn.  Sorry to be a downer, but sometimes things aren't very awesome.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 31, 2018, 10:43:31 am
@amberwaves
My Dear Amber:
I am so very sorry and personally upset to hear about all the "bad" issues that you are facing.   First and foremost, you are NOT A FAILURE....   thinking like that will only dig you deeper into the hole that you are finding yourself in.

Regarding finding suitable and better employment... persistence is the key, and presenting a positive and contented attitude in your written application and personal appearance to prospective employers is an important element that will help you get hired.  Stay focused and keep searching for the job that you need.

Regarding your finances... obviously this is a serious situation.... I trust that you can find ways to avoid losing your home... for your family's sake, your wife and kid, etc.   Also the marriage situation is something that a lot of trans-people go through... no doubt about it, it will strain even the best of marriage relationships....  you don't have to look at too many threads on the forums to see that you are not alone...  do some searching around the various posts of others to see if you can glean some kind of helpful suggestions that you can apply to your own marriage.  It just might be worth you time to do that.

I did notice that there was no mention of Amber2 in your latest updates...   Hmmm, is she still involved in your family situation and importantly is she still a romantic interest to you?   ???

Obviously any reply that you make regarding any of my comments or suggestions are at your discretion... I understand the very personal nature of your latest post and previous writings... so only respond if you feel comfortable doing so.

As always, as we have done so many times before, you can send me a PM anytime about anything.   I will always have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.

I am constantly wishing your the best and hoping and trusting that you will get your ship back on course.
Again, you are not a failure... get that phrase out of your mind... please.  Think positive and be as positive as you can.   
I know that this is easier said than done but your might want to take the time to take another look at my following thread:   
                  "Positive Mindset... put away negativity" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)

Please write back when you feel that it is the right time for you to do so.  I always will miss seeing frequent updates from my favorite red headed forums friend!! :)

Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle


   
I haven't updated in a while.  This won't be a full length update, but just a quickie.

Things are terrible.  We are very likely going to lose the house.  I have yet to get anywhere finding a new job.  My wife still hasn't gotten her house sorted it at work.  We're mega broke and likely to soon be homeless.

I was takes at my last thereof session to envision a future me and for the first time in my life I've got nothing.  No vision of any future being the next year or so.  This had me deeply disconcerted.  Even if it was false how or daydreams of a better future that would be something. Instead it's like trying to look through a wall.  It makes me feel as if I'm living on borrowed time.  As if it was supposed to be over, but I managed to borrow a few years by transitioning.  I'm not contemplating anything, just expressing what it feels like.  I have therapy this afternoon and I imagine my psyche will be in shambles yet again afterward.  Not particularly looking forward to it.

My marriage is feels like it's over.  We aren't figuring it anything, just a whole lot of nothing.  It's been this way for a while.  Plus we are just terrible for each other.  We are unable to help each other get better.  Anyone who said love conquers all it's living in a dream world.  Everything has its breaking point and I feel we may be reaching ours (if we haven't already reached that threshold).  I don't know what is going to happen there either.

I realize I don't have any reliable friends anymore.  I'm not really sure I ever did tbh.  The current crop just seems to be taking advantage of my good nature.  I need to stop being nice and just be a selfish bitch like I keep getting accused of being anyway.  I'm tired of people entering my life just to leave after 3 or 4 months.

For the first time in really starting to consider that transitioning may have been one of the worst decisions I've ever made.  For a brief but of time everything sensed fine and dandy.  However everything wrong in my life has accelerated to warp speed.  I honestly don't know how to deal with things anything since nothing seems to work in my favor and I am hurt significantly harder by each failing than I used to be.

I'm holding things together barely.  For how long?  Who knows.  Whether it's me screwing things up or just plain bad luck seems irrelevant at the moment.  It's very tempting to just sit back and watch the world burn.  Sorry to be a downer, but sometimes things aren't very awesome.

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 01, 2018, 09:50:14 pm
@amberwaves
Dear Amber.... 
I am quite concerned for you based on your latest postings....
You are in my thoughts often as I go through the various threads and posts here on the Forums.

I trust that you can find ways to overcome your most pressing difficulties...  please know that your are an endeared member here and the members here always want the best for you.

Please try to stay positive as you work hard to get out of your dark place.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 02, 2018, 05:54:05 am


@amberwaves
Dear Amber.... 
I am quite concerned for you based on your latest postings....
You are in my thoughts often as I go through the various threads and posts here on the Forums.

I trust that you can find ways to overcome your most pressing difficulties...  please know that your are an endeared member here and the members here always want the best for you.

Please try to stay positive as you work hard to get out of your dark place.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Thank you for your concern Danielle.  I'm not going to sugar coat things.  I have been pretty down and under a ton of pressure lately just holding everything together.  I assure you it takes more than this to break me.  I hope everything turns out good, but I'll manage with whatever comes my way. 

One of my better traits is remarkable resilience.  Typically, I'll be down for a day or two then be back to normal, until the next event.  I don't typically talk about that part.  I'm not much for popping in just to say, "hey I'm okay and nothing is happening". Perhaps I should from time to time.  I realize that you are all getting a rather one-sided narrative without that.

A bit of good news is that I am done prepping the walls in that room I'm remodeling.  Just need to do the trim and then paint.

I had a very abusing evening the other night.  Amber #2's twin sister wanted to go to the sex shop since she's never been to one and wanted a new vibrator.  I agreed to go with her. It was so funny because she was like a kid in a candy store.  Then we hung out the rest of the night.  It was nice to get to know her a lot better.  It was also nice to hear some of my current complaints about Amber#2's recent behavior coming out of someone else's mouth than my wife and I.

You can always message me just to check in if you want.  I'm usually around, just busy doing stuff.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Faith on September 02, 2018, 06:29:16 am
...<snip>... I had a very abusing evening the other night.  Amber #2's twin sister wanted to go to the sex shop since she's never been to one and wanted a new vibrator.  I agreed to go with her. It was so funny because she was like a kid in a candy store.  Then we hung out the rest of the night.  It was nice to get to know her a lot better.  It was also nice to hear some of my current complaints about Amber#2's recent behavior coming out of someone else's mouth than my wife and I ...<snip>...

Amber, I never responded to any posts by you, I have read them all though. I think you're doing amazingly. I've been where you are, dark cloud about to lose everything. I don't have advice, just a comment .. hold your head up, take it one day at a time (not like the TV show :-\). You'll get through this.

I'm curious what abuse you took from "Ambers#2's twin sister" at a sex shop? That's OK, you can keep the details to yourself .... I suppose .... the mods would likely edit it out anyways :D

ps
I taint most of my posts with a side of humor, it's a defense mechanism I've built up to avoid seriousness.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 02, 2018, 07:12:45 am


Amber, I never responded to any posts by you, I have read them all though.

I'm curious what abuse you took from "Ambers#2's twin sister" at a sex shop? That's OK, you can keep the details to yourself .... I suppose .... the mods would likely edit it out anyways :D

Hi Faith.  Thank you for chiming in.  You misunderstood my post (or I wasn't very clear, idk).  I didn't take any abuse from the twin sister at the sex shop.  We had a really fun time.  She was busy playing with all the display models and laughing at the giant dildos and stuff. It was a lot of fun.

Later that evening while we were hanging out there was a period where we were discussing her twin, Amber#2.  During that time she brought up a number of things she has done, or behaviors that she has, that are quite annoying or frustrating.  It was quite validating to hear that it wasn't just me be annoyed by those behaviors lately.

Sorry to disappoint but I wasn't assaulted by dildos or anything like that
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: KathyLauren on September 02, 2018, 08:01:52 am
@Faith, I tripped on this too, until I realized that it was probably a typo.  In context, an M made more sense than a B.

I had a very abusing evening the other night.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Faith on September 02, 2018, 08:06:16 am
Oh I knew it was a typo, but where's the fun in that?

@Faith, I tripped on this too, until I realized that it was probably a typo.  In context, an M made more sense than a B.


Hi Faith.  Thank you for chiming in.  You misunderstood my post (or I wasn't very clear, idk).  I didn't take any abuse from the twin sister at the sex shop.  We had a really fun time.  She was busy playing with all the display models and laughing at the giant dildos and stuff. It was a lot of fun.

Later that evening while we were hanging out there was a period where we were discussing her twin, Amber#2.  During that time she brought up a number of things she has done, or behaviors that she has, that are quite annoying or frustrating.  It was quite validating to hear that it wasn't just me be annoyed by those behaviors lately.

Sorry to disappoint but I wasn't assaulted by dildos or anything like that
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: KathyLauren on September 02, 2018, 08:44:27 am
Oh I knew it was a typo, but where's the fun in that?
LOL  :D
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 02, 2018, 08:48:33 am
LOL  :D
I could fix it, but I'm not gonna
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on September 02, 2018, 02:36:36 pm
Lol
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 02, 2018, 05:56:43 pm
I could fix it, but I'm not gonna

@amberwaves
Dear Amber
YES, indeed ,  do not fix it.    Anyway, it is not even close to a MOD issue...  it is in reality a "FUN" issue!!!

Thank you for providing a good chuckle for all that have read your comment with your "typo"... or rather I am thinking it was your spell checker that you can blame.

Bottom line, do not correct it....  with all that is going on in your life right now, a little levity is good.
Hugs, and well wishes as always,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 06, 2018, 02:00:57 pm
So according to my therapist I am incredibly quick to discount positive aspects of myself.  This is going to take a while to unlearn
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: steph2.0 on September 06, 2018, 02:06:35 pm
So according to my therapist I am incredibly quick to discount positive aspects of myself.  This is going to take a while to unlearn

If you figure out how, let me know. I’m expert at that myself.

Stephanie
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 06, 2018, 02:08:55 pm
If you figure out how, let me know. I’m expert at that myself.

Stephanie
Lol I sure will.  I doubt there is some magic secret to it though.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 10, 2018, 01:30:26 pm
So according to my therapist I am incredibly quick to discount positive aspects of myself.  This is going to take a while to unlearn

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Thinking positive about ourselves when things are going well usually is not a big issue, but when things are not going well the resultant personal view that we have of ourselves can be anything but positive.   We are our own biggest critics as we have heard many times in the past.

   Thinking positively and acting positively is definitely a personal mindset that may take practice and determination.   For some personalities it is a natural thing to be Optimistic, and to think and to act in positive ways. 
   For others (sometimes as a cumulative result of life experiences) it unfortunately can be a natural thing to be Pessimistic, and to think and act in negative ways.... and to always think of ourselves in negative terms.

I know that you are aware of my  "Positive Mindset... put away negativity" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html) thread and you are probably tired of me telling your about it....   
It probably wouldn't hurt to go though that thread from beginning to end when you have some time.... lots of good information posted by many various Forums members there that just may help you....   it certainly won't hurt.

Yes, as your therapist hinted at, it would be best if you could "unlearn" your penchant to be "incredibly quick to discount positive aspects of yourself."   It will take practice, determination and willpower but you will have a lot less stress in your life if you can conquer (or at least improve) this life lesson.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 13, 2018, 09:25:18 am
Well things have gone from bad to worse here.  It is increasingly likely we will lose our house.  The panic is palpable at this point.  I have been in a bit of a funk all week.  Sadly I'm almost out of options to save the situation.  I fear this may definitively be the end of this particular chapter in my life.  Not how I would choose to end it, but it looks like my poor decisions have forfeited less painful options. For the moment I'm amazingly detached from feeling much of anything.  I'm sure I'll pay in emotional turmoil twofold at some later point.

To be honest I kind of hate our house anyway.  It's been nothing but a drain on everything. The place just breeds stagnation.  Sadly I fear that my marriage will fall with the house anyway.  Once again, not what I would choose, but I suppose I'll just have to learn to live with the consequences of things.  I truly was not cut out for the traditional family life style anyway.

I miss the days when I had good new to post and talk about.  Perhaps that will happen again soon.  For now I'm just riding the rollercoaster that is life.  Sometimes that includes some pretty sharp drops.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 24, 2018, 08:22:50 am
Time for a not <poor> update.  We are still working to retain the house, I won't know more until Friday though.  I had a very long and difficult talk with my wife about our marriage.  That was seriously one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Things have been good since and seem like they might improve.  Time will tell.  All said and done not much else to report, which is a good thing.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Faith on September 24, 2018, 08:31:00 am
sending positive thoughts your way Amber
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 24, 2018, 08:36:37 am
Time for a not <poor> update.  We are still working to retain the house, I won't know more until Friday though.  I had a very long and difficult talk with my wife about our marriage.  That was seriously one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Things have been good since and seem like they might improve.  Time will tell.  All said and done not much else to report, which is a good thing.
@amberwaves
Dear Amber
Well, I for one will consider your last update, very good news.   It appears that you may be seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel on both fronts of keeping your home, and coming to a amicable agreement with your marriage.

Please do the best that you can to continue to make all of this work in a favorable way.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 24, 2018, 09:38:23 am
Yes I consider it to be a positive to not have to much going on at the moment.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 28, 2018, 12:58:13 am
Yes I consider it to be a positive to not have to much going on at the moment.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
How are you doing?   You have been on my mind this week as I have pondered the issues that you are going through.
What is the latest news about saving your house?  As you reported, I guess that Friday is the day that you will know more.
.... and your marriage situation, I trust that it is still improving as you mentioned in your previous posting.

I am thinking about you and wishing you well, as always,
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 28, 2018, 05:38:29 am
Thank you for checking in.  I won't know more until later today unfortunately.  Things at home are quiet and good.  Trying to get a trip to the Renaissance Faire set up.  We haven't made it it this year and there's only a few more weekends left to do it.  If we go I'll be sure to snap some pics.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 30, 2018, 07:26:52 am
Because my adoring fans would want to know, I'm sure, I've gone back to a much bolder red.

(http://i.imgur.com/Tj7SGJI.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 30, 2018, 09:16:22 am
Because my adoring fans would want to know, I'm sure, I've gone back to a much bolder red.

(http://i.imgur.com/Tj7SGJI.jpg)

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Yes indeed, as one of your "adoring fans" I absolutely want to know.
As you know from my previous communication with you I have always admired your red hair....  when I think of red heads, I always think of you first.

Hugs and well wishes to you, I trust that at least some of your life problems are being taken care of...  particularly your house and your marriage issues.

Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on September 30, 2018, 10:37:39 am
Yes I think both shades suit you but this bold red fits your personality a bit better

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 30, 2018, 10:43:04 am
Yes I think both shades suit you but this bold red fits your personality a bit better

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Funny because I don't consider my personality to be that bold or flashy.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 04, 2018, 10:45:59 am
Well it's been a good week or so.  I made a good friend, which is awesome!  She is a doll and very sweet.  Unfortunately, there is that spectre of sexual tension to deal with, but that just seems to be the way things go for me.  My wife seems pretty cool about it though, so who knows, maybe this is going to test that open marriage thing.  In any case I'm just glad to have another friend.

No real updates on the house to report.  On the bright side, I'm not homeless ATM so that's good.  The marriage is stable, though unfortunately since our last talk two weeks or so ago things have gone right back to where they were.  I really don't know how to change this situation because it's not really up to me to change it anymore.  I've said my peace and now she needs to step up.  Of all the people I ask for advice the resounding response is that I need to be happy.  I'm not used to, or good at, focusing on my happiness, especially if it involves potentially hurting people.  I hope things change for the better.  I guess it's time to have another talk.  Yesterday I was pretty bummed out thinking about it all, but today I'm better.

So this morning I got called sir by the cashier at the drive thru window.  I was stunned.  Granted I looked like <poo> because I hadn't showered or cleaned up yet, but still.  I haven't been misgendered in over a year.  I'm chalking it up to just a mistake.  However, I may have gone a little heavy on the makeup today in response lol.

(http://i.imgur.com/LAAcrhy.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Faith on October 04, 2018, 10:52:46 am
Quote
However, I may have gone a little heavy on the makeup today in response lol

you think ? HA! (laughing with you, not at you) .. I've been there a few times.

It's always good to have a friend I hope it works out for you. Open marriage, I can't do that. If it works for you, great. Even if my wife said OK to something like that (she wouldn't, neither would I) actually doing so would be a final nail.

Not homeless, YAY! .. small yay? ...

overall this post is a bit more up than your previous.

Faith
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 04, 2018, 10:54:58 am
you think ? HA! (laughing with you, not at you) .. I've been there a few times.

It's always good to have a friend I hope it works out for you. Open marriage, I can't do that. If it works for you, great. Even if my wife said OK to something like that (she wouldn't, neither would I) actually doing so would be a final nail.

Not homeless, YAY! .. small yay? ...

overall this post is a bit more up than your previous.

Faith
It doesn't look quite as bad irl as in the photo but it's still pretty intense.  I had to go change lipstick though because that one just does not go with the bold look at all.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 08, 2018, 02:39:25 pm
I caught a cold and it's made the last two days miserable.  I almost never get sick so by the time I do get sick I've forgotten how much it sucks.  Things are going all right otherwise.  I didn't let getting misgendered the other day throw off my stride too much. 

On the whole things are just uninteresting here.  All the things that are exciting to talk about really only interest me.  I'm planning on doing the YouTube thing, I just am not sure when I'm going to start it.  Hopefully, I'll be interesting enough to listen too for people to actually followed me.  I think having a vlog will be good for me to keep up with things.  The only other I interesting thing of note is that I will be getting interviewed. 

A friend of mine is working on his masters in psychology and for his clinical sexuality class they need to interview people.  He thought it might be interesting for his group to interview me being a trans woman.  We are going to Skype the interview tomorrow and this will be the first time we've spoken "face to face", well sort of anyway, in 13 years.  We talk about once a month on the phone, but it'll be neat to actually see him.

I had the experience the other day of talking to a friend having a rough time of things lately.  She has impossibly high standards for herself and is ignoring all the positive things happening.  Sound familiar?  I got quite the eye opener as to how <poor> it is for others to deal with me when I am like that.  I truly wish I could have helped bring her mood up, but was powerless to get her to see the positive.  I am sorry for all the times I've been like that now.  I was always so absorbed in my own misery and self defeat to realize how much pain that causes the people who care for you.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 08, 2018, 02:50:44 pm
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
A very interesting update.   
Hmmm, you are going to be a YouTube video blogger???  That should be interesting for you and for us.

... and Oh my, getting interviewed as a subject in a clinical sexuality class... I am sure that you won't pull any punches and tell it like it is... the good and the bad... the happy and the sad, the successes and the failures and the good feelings that you have as you got closer to your transition goals.

OH yeah, I hear you about how difficult it is sometimes to uphold someone going through very tough down times... I personally know that it takes a lot of passion, empathy, persistence and a lot of listening time and offering a shoulder to lean on.... and at times, crying with them.

I will be looking forward to your continuing updates about the future projects that you are going to get involved in.
I hope that you are feeling a little better .... get well soon.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 08, 2018, 03:05:12 pm
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
A very interesting update.   
Hmmm, you are going to be a YouTube video blogger???  That should be interesting for you and for us.

... and Oh my, getting interviewed as a subject in a clinical sexuality class... I am sure that you won't pull any punches and tell it like it is... the good and the bad... the happy and the sad, the successes and the failures and the good feelings that you have as you got closer to your transition goals.

OH yeah, I hear you about how difficult it is sometimes to uphold someone going through very tough down times... I personally know that it takes a lot of passion, empathy, persistence and a lot of listening time and offering a shoulder to lean on.... and at times, crying with them.

I will be looking forward to your continuing updates about the future projects that you are going to get involved in.
I hope that you are feeling a little better .... get well soon.
Hugs,
Danielle



I've been kicking the idea around for a while.  People seem to enjoy listening to me blather on about things so I figure why not do it online.  I'm not sure if there will be a theme per se so much as whatever I am interested in at the moment. 

It was definitely hard for me.  I don't lack empathy, but I can't stand to feel powerless to change things.  It was just incredibly odd to realize that is how I am, slowly becoming used to be.  I've not meet very many people so similar to myself that it really was enlightening. 

I always have lots of side projects going on.  I'm still working on getting side income from one of my projects.  Sometimes it works well others not so much.  I just need to hunker down and get work accomplished on everything rather than just think about doing things.

Same goes for finding a decent job.  I have been so avoidant lately with regard to working towards that.  I wish I knew why. My therapist and I have been talking about it and trying to implement strategies to get me motivated.

On the marriage front, not much to report.  Things got better after our last talk, but by a week later things were right back to where they were.  No idea what I can do to rekindle the fire and keep it burning.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 08, 2018, 03:27:19 pm
SNIPPED:
   - - - - - - - - - -
       - - - - - - - - - -
It was definitely hard for me.  I don't lack empathy, but I can't stand to feel powerless to change things.  It was just incredibly odd to realize that is how I am, slowly becoming used to be.  I've not meet very many people so similar to myself that it really was enlightening. 
- - - - - - - - - -
  - - - - - - - - - - -
Same goes for finding a decent job.  I have been so avoidant lately with regard to working towards that.  I wish I knew why. My therapist and I have been talking about it and trying to implement strategies to get me motivated.

On the marriage front, not much to report.  Things got better after our last talk, but by a week later things were right back to where they were.  No idea what I can do to rekindle the fire and keep it burning.


@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Regarding how you may feel powerless to help people when they are in their low spots...  in my experience I can try as hard as I can to accomplish that task but in the end it is up to the person that I am trying to lift up.  All I can do is to listen, empathize with them, understand and share their feelings, help them to see the ways that they can formulate positive solutions to their issues and problems and try to share some of my optimism and experiences with them....   
I also go back to my thread that I started some months aga and share some of the points mentioned there:
        "Positive Mindset... put away negativity" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)

About your continued job search, I am hoping and trusting that you will find something that interests you that you can make a decent wage at.  This old adage is so very true: 
         "If a person finds a job that they love, they will never work a day in their life."

I trust that you can get your marriage back on track.  Considering all the issues that you are dealing with, you do not need the extra strain and stress of difficulties in your marriage......   

Oh, and you did not mention the financial situation with "saving your home"   I hope that problem is now behind you or at least somewhat settled for now.

I am sorry if you feel like that I am grilling you... only answer my questions that you feel comfortable answering.   I have always followed your thread and your life ups and downs with interest and I want to be able to understand how you are doing so I can send my positive thoughts and hugs to you as much as I can.

If some of this gets too personal to share on your thread, please, as we have done previously, write me a PM.

Hugs and hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 08, 2018, 03:52:53 pm
SNIPPED:
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Regarding how you may feel powerless to help people when they are in their low spots...  in my experience I can try as hard as I can to accomplish that task but in the end it is up to the person that I am trying to lift up.  All I can do is to listen, empathize with them, understand and share their feelings, help them to see the ways that they can formulate positive solutions to their issues and problems and try to share some of my optimism and experiences with them....   
I also go back to my thread that I started some months aga and share some of the points mentioned there:
        "Positive Mindset... put away negativity" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)

About your continued job search, I am hoping and trusting that you will find something that interests you that you can make a decent wage at.  This old adage is so very true: 
         "If a person finds a job that they love, they will never work a day in their life."

I trust that you can get your marriage back on track.  Considering all the issues that you are dealing with, you do not need the extra strain and stress of difficulties in your marriage......   

Oh, and you did not mention the financial situation with "saving your home"   I hope that problem is now behind you or at least somewhat settled for now.

I am sorry if you feel like that I am grilling you... only answer my questions that you feel comfortable answering.   I have always followed your thread and your life ups and downs with interest and I want to be able to understand how you are doing so I can send my positive thoughts and hugs to you as much as I can.

If some of this gets too personal to share on your thread, please, as we have done previously, write me a PM.

Hugs and hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Well there really isn't anything to report on the house at the moment.  Things are still in limbo and I have to make some phone calls.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Sonja on October 08, 2018, 04:06:03 pm
Because my adoring fans would want to know, I'm sure, I've gone back to a much bolder red.

(http://i.imgur.com/Tj7SGJI.jpg)
@amberwaves

Yes! Love that red, Also your nails look fantastic! You look great Amber!

Sonja.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 08, 2018, 04:42:29 pm
@amberwaves

Yes! Love that red, Also your nails look fantastic! You look great Amber!

Sonja.
Thank you Sonja.  I love this color, but I haven't been feeling very fabulous lately.  Need to hit the gym some and then maybe I'll be fab again.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: MsMarlo on October 13, 2018, 05:54:59 pm
Amber, this reminds me of a movie I saw on a cross-country Amtrak taking my life in my own hands trip; it was called The Rain Maker.  I have been lucky with BCBS of Alabama (of all places), but I have heard other horror stories from others (not even transitioning related).  You should check the movie out sometime - it is really good.  Hope all is going well for ya!

MsMarlo
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 14, 2018, 08:33:25 am
Amber, this reminds me of a movie I saw on a cross-country Amtrak taking my life in my own hands trip; it was called The Rain Maker.  I have been lucky with BCBS of Alabama (of all places), but I have heard other horror stories from others (not even transitioning related).  You should check the movie out sometime - it is really good.  Hope all is going well for ya!

MsMarlo
I haven't seen the movie so I had to look up a plot synopsis.  You'll have to forgive me, but I don't really see what is reminding you this movie.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: MsMarlo on October 15, 2018, 09:17:07 pm
Just the whole insurance thing; someone earlier mentioned deny, deny, deny in a response to you. The movie shows how the insurance companies can often (not always, but often) scoundrels.  The problems you were having with the particular insurer that you mentioned in your initial posts made me think about the movie.  I had to deal with workman's comp for a while and that was a nightmare; fortunately, BCBS here in Alabama has been pretty good with me.  Hope you're doing well!

MsMarlo
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 16, 2018, 03:58:15 pm
Well everyone seems to be in the habit of doing x month updates so why not.  Here's my 27 month update.

Not many changes to report.  I remain a woman like the last bunch of months.  Boobs are still growing, but that could be because I'm getting fatter, or as I like say "putting on my winter coat"

People continue to see me as a woman. With the exception of one dude in the drive through...

Sexual function? Check.  Opportunity to use it... Not so much.

Okay this is getting dull. Back to my usual wall of text format.

I sat around this afternoon looking at jobs.  That is honestly one of the most depressing things for me.  I saw a few that I had even interviewed for about 3 years ago.  Guess it didn't work out for them.  Seriously can't believe the number of jobs that want a freaking masters degree but only pay like 40k.  I can't afford to get my masters right now so I guess I'll have to accept a bullcrap salary for a job that's too far away because there is nothing in my area.  I really hate living in the middle of pennsyltucky. I would love to move to where there are jobs, but I can't afford to do so.  Lovely little catch-22.

No updates on the marriage.  I just spent a bit of time talking with a friend about it.  I spend a lot of time talking with my therapist about it.  I spend as much time as possible not thinking about it.  It's depressing.  I'm as trapped as trapped can be.  Nothing is going to change EVER unless I do something. That fact is also bullcrap.  I love my wife and I love my kids, but I don't love my life with my wife and kids...

No updates on the house.  We aren't homeless yet, but lack the income necessary to catch up.  I consider it only a matter of time until everything falls apart.

I don't have much excitement to report.  Not a whole lot has been happening.  There's a few interesting things, but nothing I'm at liberty to share...

Basically life is static and I hate static.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 16, 2018, 04:29:04 pm
@amberwaves
Dear Amber.... 
I appreciate seeing your update, and no worries, updates don't always have to be extremely exciting and they do not always need to be good news.   I always like to hear from my red-headed friend on the forums.

Heya girl, life happens, the good and the bad.... and not only is it good therapy for you to write about it and vent, but also your followers want to know so we can keep you in our thoughts, offer support when it may be needed, and as always we will have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean or to cry on.   When you report good news we then can rejoice with you.

At 27 months your HRT has usually done a lot of it's most dramatic work, but rest assured that there is more to come, so hang on, the ride continues.
Regarding sexual function, mine stopped working at about 6 months of HRT... but not problem, women don't have that same form of function anyway but just tickle my nips and I am yours.  LOL

Regarding jobs,  stay employed and take whatever you can temporarily at least.  An unemployed person is a lot less attractive to a future employer than a job candidate that presently has a job.   Keep being tenacious and persistent even on job applications that you have done previously... keep beating the drum so that you will be heard.... keep following up on your applications.

Your marriage, you and I have talked at length about this subject that is dear to your heart....  as you are aware, the spouse of a transitioner naturally can have a very difficult time with all of this...  obviously an extremely emotional battle for them...  continue to be kind and loving as much as possible in your specific situation.

Ahhh, your house, obviously this is a big deal, keep talking to your bank.... silence about your difficulties in paying the mortgage is not viewed upon kindly.....  keep talking to them and telling them about your desire to get back on track and the various things that you are doing to make that happen...
...most banks will want to help you, be sure to ask!

You mentioned that life is static... well that is better than going from bad to worse...!!!!

Thanks for checking in and giving us your 2 1/4 year update.   Please continue to feel free to PM me at any time about any thing.   I will be there for you.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 16, 2018, 04:40:40 pm
@amberwaves
Dear Amber.... 
I appreciate seeing your update, and no worries, updates don't always have to be extremely exciting and they do not always need to be good news.   I always like to hear from my red-headed friend on the forums.

Heya girl, life happens, the good and the bad.... and not only is it good therapy for you to write about it and vent, but also your followers want to know so we can keep you in our thoughts, offer support when it may be needed, and as always we will have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean or to cry on.   When you report good news we then can rejoice with you.

At 27 months your HRT has usually done a lot of it's most dramatic work, but rest assured that there is more to come, so hang on, the ride continues.
Regarding sexual function, mine stopped working at about 6 months of HRT... but not problem, women don't have that same form of function anyway but just tickle my nips and I am yours.  LOL

Regarding jobs,  stay employed and take whatever you can temporarily at least.  An unemployed person is a lot less attractive to a future employer than a job candidate that presently has a job.   Keep being tenacious and persistent even on job applications that you have done previously... keep beating the drum so that you will be heard.... keep following up on your applications.

Your marriage, you and I have talked at length about this subject that is dear to your heart....  as you are aware, the spouse of a transitioner naturally can have a very difficult time with all of this...  obviously an extremely emotional battle for them...  continue to be kind and loving as much as possible in your specific situation.

Ahhh, your house, obviously this is a big deal, keep talking to your bank.... silence about your difficulties in paying the mortgage is not viewed upon kindly.....  keep talking to them and telling them about your desire to get back on track and the various things that you are doing to make that happen...
...most banks will want to help you, be sure to ask!

You mentioned that life is static... well that is better than going from bad to worse...!!!!

Thanks for checking in and giving us your 2 1/4 year update.   Please continue to feel free to PM me at any time about any thing.   I will be there for you.
Hugs,
Danielle

Oh yes being employed at Walmart is so glorious and makes you just seem like a glowing candidate for jobs.  I have been employed my entire adult life.  There have only been brief periods where I wasn't.  It doesn't matter though because every job i've ever had is unskilled entry level bull.  So instead of setting how employable I am it just looks like I'm a retard who isn't worth hiring because she must clearly not have any skills or she would have done something with her life.

My spouse is and has always been completely okay with my transition.  That's not the problem.  The problem is our life together sucks.  Our house is a pigstye. We both work basic bullcrap jobs.  We never have any money. We don't have friends.  We are both lazy and depressed.  It's just a slow march to inevitable demise.  We both suck as people and have the most abysmal luck imaginable.  It's NEVER been about my transition.  I don't talk about the details of it because it hurts too much to say I suck and that's why it's failed.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: gingerViktorKay on October 16, 2018, 04:57:10 pm
I personally believe that a job is a job. It does not define the person. Anyone who judges you by your job is a snob. Why try to live up to someone's standard.  Shame on them.

Maybe I'm just a simple person. As long as the bills are paid and you have someone special in your life, it really doesn't get much better.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 16, 2018, 05:29:33 pm
Yeah it's fun when you can barely pay your bills and sometimes not even
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 17, 2018, 08:07:35 am
Don't mind me. Just not in a good mood. I know better than to lash out in public spaces. Sorry.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: TonyaW on October 17, 2018, 08:19:17 am
Don't mind me. Just not in a good mood. I know better than to lash out in public spaces. Sorry.
Hey don't worry about it.  Not cool to lash at out at someone of course, but sometimes you need to vent publicly.  The rah-rah positive attitude "things will get better" stuff (while true and well meant) can just be the absolute wrong thing you need to hear at the moment.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 17, 2018, 08:26:34 am
Don't mind me. Just not in a good mood. I know better than to lash out in public spaces. Sorry.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Absolutely no worries...  I can understand your frustration with all the is going on... or perhaps what is NOT going on in your life.  You are dealing with difficult issues on several fronts and I am so sorry that you are having troubles finding ways to find positive solutions that will bring back to your happy self.

Also feel very free to "vent" your feelings and emotional turmoil here among your like-minded friends... we are here to listen and to support you with caring thoughts and supportive comments. 
Please hang in there and continue to attempt to get a grip on what is going on... it may seem like that you are juggling many balls in the air, but just focus on one thing at a time... go first for the perceived easier ones.

We are your biggest fans here on the forums....
..... your followers love ya girl!!!

Hugs and many more hugs for you...
Danielle
***special note to my favorite redhead... PM me anytime about anything <3
 
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on October 17, 2018, 09:09:01 am
I don't know anything about marriage so I have nothing to add there... But you don't suck. If anything, you're just like everyone else. Yes, some may have more self confidence and can appear to seamlessly manuever through life's problems...
I feel like we're so similar. We bear our troubles in a very unique way... I don't think there's been any problem in my life that's been an "easy" fix... Never. At least not the important ones close to my heart...
It's not just your red hair that's fiery

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 17, 2018, 10:29:02 am
Thank you everyone for being understanding.  Everything hit me really hard yesterday.  I'm not a nice person when I'm wallowing in my own misery.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 17, 2018, 11:00:01 am
Thank you everyone for being understanding.  Everything hit me really hard yesterday.  I'm not a nice person when I'm wallowing in my own misery.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
                 (https://i.imgur.com/8Nqbuug.jpg)
A tight hug for you...
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 17, 2018, 06:49:26 pm
So we went Halloween costume shopping today.  One of my favorite things to do.  Just trying them on so I didn't do makeup or anything. Plus I can only seem to find one of my fishnet stockings so I don't have them on for the 2nd costume.  Obviously these costumes will look better when I wear them for real.  I will be wearing the first to the Renaissance faire the weekend before Halloween and the second will be for Halloween proper.

(http://i.imgur.com/J7AaRli.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/pZd1A9m.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: gingerViktorKay on October 18, 2018, 05:56:15 pm
Don't mind me. Just not in a good mood. I know better than to lash out in public spaces. Sorry.

Everyone gets upset and needs to vent.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Sonja on October 18, 2018, 10:35:21 pm
So we went Halloween costume shopping today.  One of my favorite things to do.  Just trying them on so I didn't do makeup or anything. Plus I can only seem to find one of my fishnet stockings so I don't have them on for the 2nd costume.  Obviously these costumes will look better when I wear them for real.  I will be wearing the first to the Renaissance faire the weekend before Halloween and the second will be for Halloween proper.

(http://i.imgur.com/J7AaRli.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/pZd1A9m.jpg)
OO love it! Particularly the red and black gothic vampire look  -sexy!, fishnets and a pair of black/red heels/ankle boots? Also try a devilish smile for the final selfie, not a big smile obviously, just a slight one like you do.....perfect!

Sonja.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 19, 2018, 05:28:40 am
OO love it! Particularly the red and black gothic vampire look  -sexy!, fishnets and a pair of black/red heels/ankle boots? Also try a devilish smile for the final selfie, not a big smile obviously, just a slight one like you do.....perfect!

Sonja.
Thank you Sonja. The final look will be so much sexier.  I have all that I need to go full Gothic on the look.  I plan on whiting out my face and going for some dramatic contouring and sexy eyes.  I finally found my fishnets.  I don't have any red heels but that's nothing a trip to the store won't fix.  I even got fangs and blood to go with it.  I'll be sure to snap a bunch of photos including one with that small smirk/smile that I do so well.  Needless to say, I'm excited.  I also have a corset that goes amazingly well with that dress to make my figure look even better.

Edit: a very amusing and dirty typo
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 31, 2018, 08:34:08 am
It's Halloween so it's time for a spooky update.  Really it's just an update, but I feel like I've been a ghost so semi-spooky

The house issues have been solved and we aren't going to lose the house.  Finances are going to be tight because of it, but at least it's solved.  I have a few ideas on possible income streams, we will see what pans out.  I applied for the supervisor position for the 2nd shift of my current job.  I should find out in the next week or two.  Not tooting my own horn, but I am the most qualified candidate that I am aware of.  Unfortunately, I have my doubts as to getting it because of favoritism.  I have never been much of a suck up and that does seem to factor into managements decisions in these areas.  I know of two candidates that if they get it, I'm out.  I'm hoping because I feel the change in hours would be beneficial and the pay raise would be substantial.

We went to the Renaissance faire on Saturday. I managed to get one picture in when it wasn't raining.  Unfortunately it was cold and rainy all day and we called it early due to the children.  It's a shame because it's usually such a good time but this outing was just nothing but stress and it was the last weekend so we won't be getting there again this year.  I had to borrow money if my father just to make this happen in the first place. I ran into to friends there that I haven't seen in about 4 years.  They are aware of my transition but hadn't seen me.  That was really nice to reconnect.

(http://i.imgur.com/QuDWoBD.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/9IWhJTT.jpg)

The stress of everything and just some bad interpersonal interactions set me off on a nasty depression spell.  I haven't had one that lasted for 3 days in quite a while.  I recovered eventually, but the timing was not great.  I was on a roll getting things done and fixing my life and that just dialed all the progress right back.  I have a lot yet that I need to fix.  My house has gone to quite the state of disrepair, my side projects left unattended, and just things in general aren't great.

I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that my family life is one of the major things bringing me down.  I am mostly out of options as to how to fix it.  The reality is that I was never cut it to be a "family man".  I never wanted kids in the first place and I did it for my wife.  I love my kids, but ultimately this lifestyle is anathema to me and who I am.  In reality my marriage died years ago.  It's not miserable, per se, but it's more like living with your best friend than anything else.  Over the past few months I have come to accept that deep down things won't last. I don't know when things will end, but at some point things will reach a breaking point. I have discussed my feelings at length with my wife and it seems like she knows it too, just didn't want to aknowleged it.  In the mean time I search for the is that causes the least amount of pain for all parties.

Sorry to end this on a downer, but not much else is going on worthy of mentioning.  Happy Halloween folks. Expect pictures of my in my costume all done up at a later point.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 01, 2018, 03:06:07 am
@amberwaves
My dear Amber  (my favorite redhead)
Thank you for taking the time to update your thread, 12 days is a long time between updates... your followers are a curious bunch and we want to follow!!!

I am glad to hear that your house situation is solved... difficult times ahead but you can't loose your house, your biggest investment.   Oh, and good news about how you are working on getting your finances in order...  I trust that you will get that supervisor position, obviously that means a pay raise.... plus you mentioned other income streams that you are working on....  we discussed some of that when we exchanged PMs... or is there more???

Sorry to hear that the Renaissance Faire got rained out, I know that you enjoy those activities... and you got to reconnect with old friends that had not seen you for 4 years.   What did they say when they saw the "new you" ???

Hmmm, depression is not good, I am glad to hear that your were able to come out of that....  and of course the issues with your wife and marriage are not helping in that regard.   I am wishing your well as you try to handle that the best way that you know how.

Again, thank you for your long awaited update, I was going to bug you about updated but I didn't want to be a pain in your side about it.

Hugs and hugs, and more hugs...
 
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 01, 2018, 04:40:47 am
Quick update. Halloween happened and here is the costume.

(http://i.imgur.com/5PTxj0I.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/KKRhJ3t.jpg)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 05, 2018, 12:28:09 pm
I'm just flat out done.  I'm sick of being the bad guy in every situation.  Its pointless to try to be a nice good person when inevitably my inner jerk is going to take over and piss everyone off anyway.  I'm done talking. I'm done caring about people.  Its inevitable that Im going get hurt and hurt someone.  It's not worth it when life has already decided that you are the one who is wrong in every situation. Amber is merely a facade to make me feel better about myself.  No matter what Abraham has to show up and wreck things.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 05, 2018, 12:53:35 pm
I'm just flat out done.  I'm sick of being the bad guy in every situation.  Its pointless to try to be a nice good person when inevitably my inner jerk is going to take over and piss everyone off anyway.  I'm done talking. I'm done caring about people.  Its inevitable that Im going get hurt and hurt someone.  It's not worth it when life has already decided that you are the one who is wrong in every situation. Amber is merely a facade to make me feel better about myself.  No matter what Abraham has to show up and wreck things.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber: (my favorite redhead)
Whoa girl.... slow way down...   
What is going on that caused this sudden burst???   

If are up to it, tell me more, or perhaps we need to PM ?
Don't give up on yourself, you have many supporters and fans here.

Keep on keeping on....
Hugs and many more hugs...
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Renee.D on November 05, 2018, 01:04:45 pm
I'm just flat out done.  I'm sick of being the bad guy in every situation.  Its pointless to try to be a nice good person when inevitably my inner jerk is going to take over and piss everyone off anyway.  I'm done talking. I'm done caring about people.  Its inevitable that Im going get hurt and hurt someone.  It's not worth it when life has already decided that you are the one who is wrong in every situation. Amber is merely a facade to make me feel better about myself.  No matter what Abraham has to show up and wreck things.

Amber,
I am sorry to read that you are in a difficult place. If there is any truth about transitioning, it is that the good days are good and the bad days are BAD. Or in some cases bad weeks, months etc.

You are strong, Amber is strong! If you feel like you want to talk more or need someone to vent to, please PM. Your life and happiness is worth all the work you have put into it and continue to put into it.

Here if you need to talk,
Lacy
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: gingerViktorKay on November 05, 2018, 03:14:14 pm
I'm just flat out done.  I'm sick of being the bad guy in every situation.  Its pointless to try to be a nice good person when inevitably my inner jerk is going to take over and piss everyone off anyway.  I'm done talking. I'm done caring about people.  Its inevitable that Im going get hurt and hurt someone.  It's not worth it when life has already decided that you are the one who is wrong in every situation. Amber is merely a facade to make me feel better about myself.  No matter what Abraham has to show up and wreck things.

The last time I felt this way I was in a bad relationship.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Sonja on November 05, 2018, 03:54:39 pm
I'm just flat out done.  I'm sick of being the bad guy in every situation.  Its pointless to try to be a nice good person when inevitably my inner jerk is going to take over and piss everyone off anyway.  I'm done talking. I'm done caring about people.  Its inevitable that Im going get hurt and hurt someone.  It's not worth it when life has already decided that you are the one who is wrong in every situation. Amber is merely a facade to make me feel better about myself.  No matter what Abraham has to show up and wreck things.
@amberwaves

Hi Amber - I'm sorry you're having such a hard time atm, but it does look and sound like Amber has a much brighter future than that other guy.  But I don't have to live your life, so I can't tell you what you should do, but I can say that I will miss you if I don't see you around again.

Take care,

Sonja.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 11, 2018, 03:27:01 pm
Sorry for the outburst. Thank you for all the support.  Super monumentally long, detailed and important update forthcoming when I have time.  For now I just want everyone to know that I am okay and things are going to be good.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 11, 2018, 03:49:08 pm
Sorry for the outburst. Thank you for all the support.  Super monumentally long, detailed and important update forthcoming when I have time.  For now I just want everyone to know that I am okay and things are going to be good.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Aweeee... there's my favorite redhead again... thank you for checking in to let us, your fans and followrs, know that you are OK.  Very much appreciated.

Looking forward to your next update, but only when you have the time and inclination to post it... it is just very nice to hear from you and to know that you are still alive and kicking.
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on November 11, 2018, 05:40:58 pm
Of course she's alive... This isn't life or death and Amber has many more decades I'm sure.
Still, the ups and downs are intense and exhausting in life... I know that. I have doubts too, but when we strip ourselves what are we left with? A human shell technically. But our personalities, likes and dislikes are still there. What could you add on to the "shell" that will make you at least tolerate your existance (before loving it, of course...)?

That's how I view being trans myself.... I was given this "shell" and I get to pick and choose things I like and dislike. It's not the same day to day either. I guess this is my train of thought around being trans? Or maybe being on hrt?

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Renee.D on November 12, 2018, 09:23:45 am
Sorry for the outburst. Thank you for all the support.  Super monumentally long, detailed and important update forthcoming when I have time.  For now I just want everyone to know that I am okay and things are going to be good.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time, but glad to here you are okay.

Better to let everything out in a burst, then hold it inside to fester. Hope you have a happy day today!

Lacy
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 13, 2018, 05:24:30 am
I think I lied earlier.  I'm not okay.  I can't get into right now, but things are bad.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 13, 2018, 12:21:35 pm
I think I lied earlier.  I'm not okay.  I can't get into right now, but things are bad.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber....   
*Sad Face*   :(
Please PM me ASAP!!!!
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

(https://blog-static.hola.com/cocinacardiosaludable/files/2013/03/Emotion-Icon-fanpop-447704_200_200.png)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 13, 2018, 12:25:16 pm
I will remain alive. I do not wish to talk about it or anything else. Thank you for your concern.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 13, 2018, 12:29:29 pm
I will remain alive. I do not wish to talk about it or anything else. Thank you for your concern.
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
I hear you loud and clear.... 

However, do know that I will be thinking of you and trusting that all will be OK.
Hugs
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 19, 2018, 08:40:22 am
Okay time for the super huge mega update.  Please bear with me on this because it's a lot (no exaggeration) and might sound kind of rambling.  I do not lie when I say the last two weeks or so have been the hardest in my life and have made transition look like a cake walk by comparison.

As I have mentioned before there have been problems in my marriage.  After months of dealing with a slowly dying marriage and numerous talks between us on how to recover that spark, we decided that we are going to fully open our marriage and each of us would be allowed to start dating.

My wife surprised me greatly by downloading a dating app and interacting with a few individuals.  I was very proud of her for taking a positive step and surprised because she is naturally very shy and resistant to change.  She had a significant amount of interest and really put herself out there talking to folks.  Throughout this whole process she was very upfront that she was married and that was not changing.

By the end of the week she had found someone close enough and nice enough that she decided to meet them for coffee. She went out Friday night for coffee and I had to continue to reassure her and prompt her not to chicken out.  She had a very pleasant evening and really connected with this gentleman.  The three of us went to the movies the next day so that the two of us could meet.  He is indeed a very nice gentleman and I can see why she likes him.

Well things have immediately gone to warp speed and they are definitely an item and he's been around almost every day.  I understand the new relationship excitement aspect.  I had been trying for months to mentally prepare myself for this sort of thing.  However, some things you just can't prepare for no matter how hard you try.  I had a few days where I completely lost my self control and sank incredibly deep into misery.  Thankfully we managed to talk through things.  Now it's just a case of adjusting to the new normal.  I have hope that we are going to figure everything thing out and be one big, happy, weird family.  For a few days I lost that hope.  Luckily my wife has truly stepped up to the plate and been my rock through all of this.

Sorry for worrying everyone lately.  It's just been so much so fast that I hadn't fully had time to adjust.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 19, 2018, 10:04:33 am
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Thank you for posting your update letting your followers know that you are working through your life’s issues and coming to a better place with how you feel that things with your family and future are unfolding.

As things for you continue on in your life events please keep your followers updated but only as you feel comfortable doing so.
Many Hugs
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 23, 2018, 08:36:08 am
Well I didn't get that promotion.  Time to go back to the job hunt.  I just wish it didn't destroy my self esteem everything something like that happens. (Not looking for it or encouragement. I am well aware hope dysfunctional that thinking is)
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 23, 2018, 08:49:37 am
Well I didn't get that promotion.  Time to go back to the job hunt.  I just wish it didn't destroy my self esteem everything something like that happens. (Not looking for it or encouragement. I am well aware hope dysfunctional that thinking is)
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
                     (https://i.imgur.com/mEZciUY.jpg)
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on November 29, 2018, 08:35:23 am
Time for an update.  I didn't get that promotion, as I said before.  It rocked my confidence for about 2 days but I recovered.  I'm back to the job hunt again. Perhaps with all the changes that have been happening lately I'll find now motivation to try harder.

Things at home are approaching a level of normality finally.  This is a good thing.  Everything just happened so fast that it was so surreal and hard to adjust.  Now that things have settled down it's time to get on with life.  Shawn has been over almost every day and even sent the holiday with us.  He's nice. Amber #2 had been over almost everyday too.  I don't fully know what's going on with that situation.  We aren't a couple but friends doesn't do justice to it either.  I don't know why anything surprises me anymore because my life and relationships are pretty much anything but normal.

A few days ago my friend Lia waltzed right back into my life after dropping off the map for like 3 months.  I've really missed her and I am so glad to be taking to her again.  She is trying to get back with her boyfriend, who doesn't care for her talking with me since we had a thing back in the day.  I really hope she doesn't disappear again if they do.  In a strange turn of events I visited her and we ended up making out a bit.  For both of us it seemed like we were just answering the question of what it would be like if we had gotten together.  It was most surreal.  Neither of us are going to pursue anything farther down that avenue.

In a sad turn of events I found it that I will be losing my therapist.  She is taking a different position and I will have to find another one by January.  That is a shame because I really like her as a therapist and she had been incredibly helpful during our time together.  She is going to give me a few recommendations of potentially good fits for me to continue my work on becoming a better person.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 17, 2018, 12:39:08 pm
@amberwaves
My dear Amber:
You have been missing in action for 3 weeks and I have been very much missing reading your updates and your continuing life story.

Hugs and well wishes,  hoping to see an update from you very soon.
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 25, 2018, 01:21:54 pm
@amberwaves
My Dear Amber:
I know that you have been going though some difficult times and I am always think of you and wishing you well.
In spite of any of your disappointments and discouragement I trust that you will be able to find the joy and happiness that you deserve so I am giving you my expression of the holiday season that we are now in:
wishing you a very
   MERRY CHRISTMAS
and a prosperous and
Happy   NEW YEAR  in 2019
 
Hugs and as always, Well Wishes
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on December 29, 2018, 07:48:50 am
Okay long long over due update.  Things are going well.  After some initial rough spots the wife and I have really settled into the new relationship dynamics.  I finally started dating a few weeks ago and have had incredible amounts of interest.  I've have gone on over 6 dates now and I'm keeping things casual.  There is a girl I found whom I am considering something semi-serious with.  The holidays really put a damper on trying to schedule anything though.

In other news my wife ditched her boyfriend because he became way to clingy.  This was a good move and I'm proud of her for being adult enough to make the hard decision.  It's nice to have a bit more peace around the house. She is already back on the scene and now knows she doesn't want something super serious.

Christmas was nice.  As always it was a bit hectic and stressful, but the kids got all they wanted so I'm happy.  New year's Eve might be lame because I work the next morning at an ungodly hour.  I'm theoretically supposed to go out with a trans friend of mine and show her how to flirt like a champ .
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Allison S on December 29, 2018, 08:53:39 am
Oh wow you and your wife definitely have redefined the meaning of "marriage" in a way... Now that's gutsy and, hey as long as you're having fun! Lol

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 31, 2018, 04:17:21 pm
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
To my favorite RedHead on the Forums...
It was wonderful for me to meet you on the Forums this past year...
I have so much enjoyed getting to know you and following your updates as you continue on in your journey.
Thank you for feeling free to share your life events with all of us.   

I have very much enjoyed swapping comments and thoughts with you on your thread, my thread, and on various threads around the Forums.
Obviously some bumps in the road that all of us experience so continue to hang on for an exciting ride.  I will continue to be one of your biggest fans and always know that I will be rooting for your success.
 
I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums this last year and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR   in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on January 23, 2019, 08:31:55 am
Sorry for being quiet lately. Honestly not terribly much to report.  A few dates, a new dungeons and dragons campaign, snow, renewed motivation to be better, etc.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: KathyLauren on January 23, 2019, 08:45:01 am
Thank you for checking in, Amber.  Sometimes steady-as-she-goes is a good thing.  I am happy that you have a social life, and that you are motivated.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 23, 2019, 09:01:32 am
Sorry for being quiet lately. Honestly not terribly much to report.  A few dates, a new dungeons and dragons campaign, snow, renewed motivation to be better, etc.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
Wowzers......   my eyes are very happy to see your new post on your thread.
It is always wonderful to see your Avatar picture and read update posts of my favorite forums Redhead!!!

.... and yes, as @KathyLauren  mentioned it is so wonderful to hear your words about your social activities, and your renewed motivation.... 

Your update was short and sweet but I am so very glad that you checked in to let us know that you are still alive and kicking.

Hugs and many well wishes, 
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 11, 2019, 05:31:32 am
Hi folks sorry to be so silent lots of things going on but not much that I'm at liberty to discuss or that is very interesting.  Just checking in to let everyone know I'm still alive and kicking.  I'll be posting a more detailed update later today or tomorrow.  Hope everyone is doing well.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: davina61 on March 11, 2019, 05:32:14 pm
I was hoping you were OK, good to see your still kicking butt!!!
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: LizK on March 12, 2019, 03:43:18 am
Hi folks sorry to be so silent lots of things going on but not much that I'm at liberty to discuss or that is very interesting.  Just checking in to let everyone know I'm still alive and kicking.  I'll be posting a more detailed update later today or tomorrow.  Hope everyone is doing well.

Glad you are Okay and will look for your update. Thanks for checking in

Liz
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on March 13, 2019, 08:24:47 am
I'm not really kicking butt by any stretch.  I've worked hard to become a good person, but life does seem to be kicking me in the nuts that I wish I didn't have over that fact.  Honestly, I'm tired of trying to be a good person.  It seems to me that the who get ahead in life are those who are self centered. Currently reevaluating what I want to do and be.

Still working my <poor>, low paying job.  No really good options have presented themselves.  I have until June to get the more situation squared away.  Lots of things to do and no time to do it.  The Amber #2 situation is still unclear.  Side income has been less than stellar.

I've got a few ideas and plans about how to move forward, but I'm not 100% sure I'm up to any of them.  I let myself go this winter and I'm back up to 240.  Not pleased by that at all.  Luckily the weather is slowly getting nicer so I should be able to rectify that in time. I still look okay, but it's not where I want to be.

Dating has been fun.  I do enjoy the excitement of meeting new people.  I've had lots of interest so I get to be the picky one for the first time in my life.  Unfortunately my busy schedule keeps me from really filling up my dance card.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 03, 2019, 06:51:16 pm
Long time for an update. Truth is life has not been kind.  No better or new job yet. Put on weight due to stress. We lost the house.  My birthday is tomorrow and all I can think about is all the wasted time in my life.  Not that anyone particularly cares or likely more than barely remembers me here since I fell off the map months and months ago.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 03, 2019, 08:41:21 pm
Long time for an update. Truth is life has not been kind.  No better or new job yet. Put on weight due to stress. We lost the house.  My birthday is tomorrow and all I can think about is all the wasted time in my life. Not that anyone particularly cares or likely more than barely remembers me here since I fell off the map months and months ago.

@amberwaves
My Dearest Amber
OH, STOP IT !!!!!
I do indeed remember you, you are my favorite Redhead and you are not forgotten and I do care for your well being, and you must recall that we communicated very frequently last year and early this year but you indeed kinda stopped posting on your thread and on other threads.   

I am so saddened to read about your troubles.... I hesitated to bug you more that I did with my PMs and with my reply comments to your postings....   I sensed that you were in a difficult place in your life with relationships, your job, and your wife and family!!  I could not find all the words that I wanted to say to you to support and encourage you through your difficult times recently.

Tomorrow is your Birthday
and that alone is reason enough to celebrate and be happy for at least ONE DAY.
I am wishing you a VERY H A P P Y   B I R T H D A Y  
.... it is your own unique special day.
            :icon_bunch: :icon_flower: :icon_bunch: :icon_flower: :icon_birthday: :icon_birthday: :icon_birthday: :icon_bunch: :icon_flower: :icon_bunch: :icon_flower: :icon_bunch:

Please feel free to VENT here on your thread.... venting, writing out about your feelings and issues that you are dealing with is very good personal therapy... and as I have told you in the past, we are your biggest fans here, we will rejoice with you when you have good news to report, and when the news is not-so-good we are here to lend your our ears and to give you our shoulders to lean on.

Please come back more often....  you were gone for almost 4 MONTHS and you were indeed missed not only by me but surely by others that have followed your thread in the past.

MANY HUGS  and  more hugs....  wishing you the best as always,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 03, 2019, 10:22:46 pm
I thank you Danielle for the kind words. Truth be told the last few months have been some of the most terrible of my life.  I mostly choose not vent about it.  Unfortunately the future does not look particularly positive.  That certainly does make it hard to celebrate your birthday.  I'll honestly be amazed if I even make it out of bed tomorrow.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: LizK on July 05, 2019, 12:02:43 pm
Hi Amber

I hope you do make it out of bed and not just tomorrow.

Happy Birthday...I hope you can manage some sembalance of happiness for it.

I have been a little preoccupied over the last few months myself with couple of little issues I have been dealing with. Maybe have a vent anyway...might at least make you feel a little better.

Welcome back and please share with us the things that are troubling...none of us may be able to help in a real way but you never know there are a lot of great people on this site and apart from that you may well just feel a little better for it.

Take care

Liz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Anjanette Miranda on July 05, 2019, 01:00:56 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY  :icon_birthday:

AJ
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Maybebaby56 on July 05, 2019, 05:11:56 pm
Hi Amber,

Happy Birthday, girl! 

I still remember you fondly from our chance meeting in Dr. McGinn's waiting room last year.

I wish you all the best, and hope things start looking up for you soon.

With kindness,

Terri
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on July 05, 2019, 08:10:39 pm
Thank you ladies for the birthday wishes.  You have all literally succeeded in doing something my father was completely incapable of doing despite being my neighbor.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 25, 2019, 03:39:28 pm
Hi folks just checking in.  The toughest patches seem to be over and now it's just a slow climb out of the pit I've dug.  We found a place to live and got everything moved.  The kids have started school and slowly we are approaching the new normal.

I got a part time job at best buy.  Seems like a nice place.  My coworkers are pretty nice anyway, which is an improvement.  Most of my income is coming from Uber rn.  I've been driving at Penn State which unfortunately involves am hour travel time each way. I make good money on fireball game weekends and the rest of the week is decent, but it's inconsistent and puts a ton of miles on my car.  I'm still a few hundred behind on bills and having a rent payment twice what my mortgage was is not helpful.

Due to all the stress I've gotten fat again.  I will be working to correct that soon.  My eating habits have been atrocious and I've been low on the physical activity since I spend 12 hours a day in my car.  Come October I'll have the ability to buy decent food again.  I should also hopefully have the motivation to work out.  It's just been a rough bunch of months.

I haven't heard from not spoken to my father since late July.  I asked him to lend us a bit of money to get settled in the new place and he refused.  He couldn't be bothered to wish me a happy birthday.  He didn't help us move.  He has done a while lot of nothing.  As far as I'm concerned he is no longer my father.  He clearly doesn't care.  I have no intention of visiting or even reaching out to him over the holiday season.

Dating has been a complete non-event for months.  I get some interest from men occasionally, but I would prefer a woman right now.  The pickings are unfortunately slim around here.  Someday maybe things will turn around in that department.  It's not like I have much time to date anyway since I work almost every single day.  I might take a day off every two weeks if I'm lucky.

I'm not miserable at the moment, but I'm not bunch and happy either.  Just stuck doing what I need to do to survive.  It would be nice if things were different, but I'm not really holding out much hope for anything to change any time soon.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 25, 2019, 03:58:52 pm
@amberwaves
Dearest Amber (my favorite redhead)
Wowzers!!! A voice from the past for sure.... 
....just checking in after a 3 month absence!!!! 
I am so glad that you are still alive and kicking.

I am so happy to read your good report about finding a place to live, moving, and the kids have started school.

It is good that you have several sources of income, but unfortunately you are a little short when paying the bills.  I trust that things improve in those situations.

So sorry to read about your dad and his inactions... you are not alone there, after transitioning for four and a half years and full time for almost 3 years... my dad still does not accept me, and he barely speaks to me when I call... I have not spoken to him since last Christmas when I called back home., I have never gotten a call, letter or email from him, never ever.  My mom is a little better but still the conversations are just one way from me, I barely get short responses to my phone calls.

My suggestion is to not worry too much about the dating department ...  you have bigger fish to fry with your jobs, income, wife and kids, etc.   Dating will indeed happen when it happens, sometimes at the most unexpected moment when you are not looking.... in fact my dating relationships happened without me looking, they just happened primarily because I love to meet and greet people and I am involved in all kinds of activities where other like-minded individuals are present.   Bottom line, don't try so hard, it will happen when it is supposed to happen.

Regarding your weight and your fitness, you know what to do... you definitely don't need me giving you advice in that department.

I am so very glad to see you return to your thread....  needless to say I was thinking of you frequently...
HUGS and more HUGS, 
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on September 25, 2019, 04:22:13 pm
Oh, trust me, you wouldn't have liked much of what I would have had to say over the past the months.  Even as it stands I feel like I don't have much to really say that's positive.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 25, 2019, 04:24:01 pm
Oh, trust me, you wouldn't have liked much of what I would have had to say over the past the months.  Even as it stands I feel like I don't have much to really say that's positive.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber...
It doesn't matter....
...I am just so very happy to see your presence back here on the forums and your thread!!!
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 24, 2020, 01:54:16 pm
I'm going to try to get back into the habit of posting stuff here.  Just have so much going on in life and most of it not positive.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 24, 2020, 02:01:31 pm
@amberwaves
Dear Amber:
After a 5 month "vacation" from the forums, my favorite redhead from the past has returned.... 
....it is terrific to see you come back. 
I have missed you!!!

I will be looking forward to your updates, postings and comments as you feel so inclined to share them.

Also as we have done in the past please feel free to PM me whenever you wish.

HUGS and lots more hugs,
Danielle


I'm going to try to get back into the habit of posting stuff here.  Just have so much going on in life and most of it not positive.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on February 24, 2020, 02:21:06 pm
Yeah I'm busy pretty much all time working multiple jobs, but I'll see if I can spare some time to update on things.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: michjenn on March 31, 2020, 09:20:54 am
Hi Amber, I hope things are going better for you. Jenn
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 15, 2020, 09:42:09 am
@amberwaves
Dear Amber: 
                   
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 17, 2020, 06:40:06 pm
It's been forever.  Update.  I've completely given up on everything.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 17, 2020, 06:52:28 pm
It's been forever.  Update.  I've completely given up on everything.

@amberwaves
Dear Amber:

My favorite redhead came back...  I have dearly missed you.
Write me a PM or an E-mail  northernstargirl@susans.org


       Never give up, never surrender.....
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNLUS0o69wQ

HUGS and welcome back, it is good to see you again,
Danielle
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Nadine Spirit on October 18, 2020, 08:30:33 am
Hi Amber -

I can't say that I read every word of every post, but I did just spend the last hour or so reading through all 27 pages of this thread.  I just wanted to say I am so very sorry that everything has been so difficult for you over these past few years.  I wish you my very best in overcoming your struggles. 
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: amberwaves on October 18, 2020, 09:13:48 am
Thank you Danielle and Nadine.  Sadly struggle has been the overarching theme of my life.  I don't mention most of the things I deal with and go through on here, but the reality is that things are significantly worse than portrayed.  I don't want to be a font of negativity so I keep most things to myself.  I want others to believe there is hope and things will turn out well.  We are inundated by the deluge of stories of struggles and failures.  I don't feel that my experiences would add to that.  Most of my problems have almost nothing to do with being transgender so I feel they are irrelevant to the discussion on this board.

A few things that are relevant but not here-to-for shared.  I lost my insurance about 9 months ago.  I cannot afford any of the options available to me due to all our other expenses ballooning.  We now pay 2.5x in rent compared to what or mortgage was,. We went from 0 car payment to 2 over the last 2 years.  That has eaten up almost all of our income.  Being without insurance I have been without any medical care/medicines for almost 6 months now.  That means no treatment for my depression, bpd, or hormones.  So I've been dealing with everything including being a very angry man looks like a woman.  It's honestly a cluster.  I've been pushing on despite everything.  I am approaching/at the point where I honestly give up.  As I said the reality of everything is and always has been fat worse than the glimpses folks here are aware of.  It's difficult to keep trying when you have no hope of anything ever getting better.
Title: Re: Grrr, why is this so complicated?
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 18, 2020, 11:23:02 am
@amberwaves
Dear Amber....
Here is one of my hugs for you!!!
There are many more,
Danielle

                             (https://i.imgur.com/paezNSC.jpg)