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Blogs => Member Blogs => Topic started by: randim on September 20, 2018, 04:06:03 pm

Title: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on September 20, 2018, 04:06:03 pm
Hi all.  Following the advice of the esteemed (and popular!) Lady Danielle, I am starting a thread to chronicle my internal ping-pong match regarding transition. My intro post and a few other threads I started give some background info on my life and shaky marriage, for those who are curious.

Until recently, I had always regarded transition as an unrealistic dream, akin to leaping the Grand Canyon, something that would not end well if actually attempted. Think Wile E. Coyote. I always thought I could find a way to compartmentalize my feminine feelings and just be a cross-dresser on occasion. But I no longer so sure that it can play out that way. Something seems to be growing within me that has a mind of its own, and I'm not sure how much choice or control I really have any more. Or more to the point, what "I" really means any more. And it frightens me near to death.  I keep wanting to pull up a trash can and throw up.   

I have been seeing a gender therapist for a couple of months.  I have not been in therapy for many years, and it's been an interesting experience to say the least.  Many of the things I find myself saying do not sound like part-time stuff, though some do.  I have had some opportunities over the last 18 months or so to have extended (week or so) periods of privacy and run of the house, and I find that I want to dabble and experiment with femme presentation more and more.  Barring some reason like work to present as male, I find myself pretty much unable to do so. The only real constraint seems to be how much courage I can muster up to dress up and go out the door. I can do so enough to do some shopping, run some errands, etc., but of course that's just a drop in the bucket.  To be sure, "dress up" for me runs to pants, tops, flat shoes.  But if the tops are nice, the shoes feminine, if jewelry and a purse are worn, androgyny disappears rather quickly.   And unfortunately, from the neck up, especially, I am unmistakably a natal, 65-yo male.

As can be seen here. (Please, shield the eyes of children/animals.)

Before with a capital B -- no HRT, no electrolyis, nice short male haircut, wrinkles, etc..  Unfortunately my selfie skills are quite weak, but it gets the point across. There are no afters, but then that's kind of the question. 

(https://i.imgur.com/rsdZcwx.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/fJpBH6l.jpg)

As can be seen, a rough canvas.  Passability seems quite unlikly. I would probably always be read almost immediately.  My ceiling would be a presentable, neat, older (and obvious) transwoman.  Which seems mostly fine actually, but I feel I stick out like a sore thumb in public now and I feel really self-conscious. It's hard to be relaxed. I hate to think it would always be that way, but maybe I could learn to be comfortable living as openly and unmistakenably trans. And appearance would improve to some degree with effort, practice, confidence, etc..

So.... what to do, what to do.  I'm thinking of starting HRT and/or beard removal. Either one would be a large step, but neither is a firm commitment to fully transition. The thought of breast development does give me pause, especially with chest hair.  Seems wrong somehow, and I don't know how they would look with my frame. Losing physical strength would be a minus as well. It might hamper the ability to do some things I do now. 

I do find that that the male part of me just kicks back like a mule sometimes.  Certainly has been the last week or so.  Condensed version: "Are you <not allowed> nuts?" The reasons not to transition seem so rational at times. Coming out to family/friends is frightening.  I am certainly an old dog to be learning new tricks. It would likely destroy my marriage (my wife has been non-supportive thus far), and the limited social network I have mostly revolves around friends of my wife.  There could be some serious loneliness down a transition path. I do hate to think of screwing up her sunset years. I tend to be loyal as a dog unfortunately.  Splitting up would hurt us both financially. She relies on me for a lot of things. It does make me wonder how successful low-dose HRT or underdressing could be in cobbling together some sort of compromise. But there is a part of me that aches to take a running start and leap off the cliff. I'm wondering if a time will come when my mind says "On the other hand" and my feet are going to say "No worries. I've got this."
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: KathyLauren on September 20, 2018, 05:04:53 pm
Don't be too quick to judge your passability.  You might be a rough canvas, but it might take paint well.

With beard removal, eyebrow shaping, and a good wig, you'd be surprised at how little attention you will draw.  Then add in the feminization effects of HRT and some basic makeup, and you could be a good-looking woman.

You seem to have a good head of hair, so you might be able to dispense with the wig after growing your hair out.  You could start growing it without committing to transition.

I started my transition at 61.  I am 64 now (today, in fact! :D ), far from complete in my transition, but I turned out not too bad.  You'll be surprised.

If your wife is truly non-supportive, it is going to be difficult to transition, but not impossible.  Obviously, separation would mean you and she would live in reduced financial circumstances, but would it be crippling?  Emotionally, of course it would hurt, but could you recover?  What I am getting at is to try to be as realistic as possible about the options facing you.  The road ahead may be rocky, but it might not be blocked.

And then contrast it with as realistic an assessment as you can manage of the emotional cost to you if you do not transition.  That was the kicker for me.  Once I realized the emotions I had been suppressing for decades to play the male role, I knew I could not continue to do that.  I tried to picture me, in my mid eighties, still compelled to cross-dress in secret, to pretend to be a guy.  And the pain of even contemplating that vision gave me my answer: I had to move forward.

When you do those assessments of your future options, your answers may come up quite different from mine.  But either way, you will know, and that can guide your decisions going forward.

I got lucky: my wife decided to stay.  Maybe yours will, too.  Many wives do.  Some don't.  Whatever you decide, and whatever happens, I wish you good luck on your journey!
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Gabrielle66 on September 20, 2018, 05:09:33 pm
Randi,

You and I are in very similar situations except that I'm about ten years younger but you are in so much better shape than me physically. From some of the things I've seen here at Susan's makeup and hormones would be pretty amazing and making you much more presentable. I stare in the mirror and keep telling myself what the hell are you thinking? I would have so much less anxiety if I could start the HRT treatment with a body like yours. That's my goal to shave my body down about 80-90 pounds. It's daunting but what in life that you truly desire isn't? I worry about my marriage because my wife has been pretty devastated by my coming out. She's a huge supporter of all gay rights but this is too close to the bone for her, I believe. Such is life. I am only getting this one opportunity so I have decided I am no longer living my life for others. It's my time to rise. I hope you find the courage to be your true self whatever that ends up being. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on September 20, 2018, 10:08:03 pm
Happy birthday Kathy!  And thanks for the advise.  Financially, my wife and I should both be ok in the event of a divorce.  From my perspective, in fact, I think being out would make it a bargain.  The best I ever had.  :D  But her perspective would understandably be different.  I would likely be bitter if I were in her shoes. But maybe it won't come to that.  Believe me, I am aware of the costs of the status quo.

Gabrielle, Thanks for the support.  I hope things go well with you. You are right that the process is daunting, and then some.  Good luck moving forward. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Nikkimn on September 21, 2018, 11:20:00 am
Don’t be so hard on yourself. I think you could pass if you put in the work. I didn’t think I’d ever pass either and less than six months into hormones with good presentation I started to pass and it feels great.


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Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: krobinson103 on September 21, 2018, 12:50:10 pm
Hello,

I disagree with your assessment that you'll never be passable. Age is no barrier I started at 43 and things moved quickly making me passable within 4-6 months. In terms of your hair if you grew it out it could be quite striking I think.  The effects of hrt can be quite surprising.Wrinkles... you end up with less as your skin changes a little to the lack of testosterone so again, you could be surprised.

My wife and I are still living together, but the physical marriage part is over and thats ok because it pretty much was anyway. In terms of strength you will lose a fair bit, but, for me, that is just fine I don't want to move fridges by myself anyway.

It may not be as much of cliff as you think. :)
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: anne_indy on September 21, 2018, 03:05:13 pm
Dear Randi - As has already been said, don’t be too hard on yourself. I have taken the approach to treat the whole process as an experiment. Take a step, evaluate
 and then decide backward, forward, or hold. The looks will improve by taking some simple steps - a good quality wig, properly fit and trimmed, some help with makeup, and finding some clothes that complement your figure. The scariest step for me was the first time I ventured out into public. Fortunately, I had some very supportive friends who nurtured me through that process. Making that step widened my view of what is possible. I have now ventured out of my own, and that remains a scary venture for me.

I wish you well in your exploration.

Anne


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Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Tara P on September 21, 2018, 03:23:53 pm
I agree with the others you can probably pass a lot better than you think.  We are often our own worst critics and will compare ourselves to young supermodels/celebrities when those aren't realistic expectations for almost any woman.  Some makeup, fashion, and hair styling go a long way and HRT goes even further.  It's just very hard to know what the best thing to do is, because certain parts of transition you can't know with certainty until you try.  There is a "leap of faith" involved no matter how much soul searching and research you do, which can be really scary.

The situation with your wife being non-supportive is tough too.  :(  Maybe she'd become more supportive when she realizes this is truly something you need to do and can't be changed but that's impossible to know for sure until you do it too.  Losing your social support network would really suck but you could eventually find some new friends who you wouldn't have to hide stuff from.

They say the only person who can truly decide is you, which I totally agree with, but it's really hard when you can't seem to decide either...  Good luck and I hope you can figure out what the best path is for you.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on September 22, 2018, 08:33:12 am
Thanks all for the kind words.  Not trying to beat myself up, just trying to be realistic.  A wig is probably in my near-term future.  Part of the reason I haven't done that yet is I have wondered how gender queer I am, as opposed to needing to formally transition.  That is still an open question.  I can handle presenting as an effeminate male for sure, and it's less work.  But in many ways, it's more noticeable and non-conventional than trans.  I have to admit that the female end of the binary seems to be shining like the North Star more and more these days.  My happy coincidence, I have my first support group meeting tonight.  Hopefully I can get some good references for wigs and electrolysis.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 21, 2018, 02:21:00 pm
Guess this counts as an update. Went to my second support group meeting last night. Took some clothes and changed there before/after. My wife thinks that’s not cool, apparently. The floors of the house were eggshells all morning, and she made clear she was really happy for me to go play golf. Guess she considers me one of the trannies now (her words). Christ this hurts.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Alice Skye on October 21, 2018, 02:47:48 pm
Guess this counts as an update. Went to my second support group meeting last night. Took some clothes and changed there before/after. My wife thinks that’s not cool, apparently. The floors of the house were eggshells all morning, and she made clear she was really happy for me to go play golf. Guess she considers me one of the trannies now (her words). Christ this hurts.

Ouch... I have a very similar situation going on with my wife. I went to my first support group meeting with her support and I came back elated because I was finally not alone with this and everything suddenly seemed real. It was no longer something in cyberspace but something that was possible (and increasingly likely). Not thinking I blurted out exactly how fabulous it was and how fantastic and natural everyone looked. Now she doesn't want me to go to any more meetings because she doesn't want to encourage me.

And we too are now walking on eggshells carefully avoiding all mention of it. The one good thing though is that a lot of hurt was spoken and we are now talking a lot more... just everything but the elephant in the room.

I wish I had some advise to depart but as I am in a very similar situation all I can offer is that you are not alone.

I hope things work out for you.

love
Alice 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 29, 2018, 03:35:49 pm
So.... my therapist has been wanting a session with my non-supportive spouse.  So that is finally set up and I sent my therapist a email confirming it and mentioning some of the anxieties my wife has about the session.  And her reply was "Okay, wonderful. I will make sure to make her feel as comfortable as possible.  These sessions tend to go well, so don't feel too anxious about that piece."

But, but Molly.  What piece should i feel anxious about?  ??? What pronouns are you going to use? :icon_eek:

(Mostly just kidding.  But I am nervous.  And I didn't think about the pronoun business until today.  Could be "interesting.")
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 29, 2018, 03:42:16 pm
So.... my therapist has been wanting a session with my non-supportive spouse.  So that is finally set up and I sent my therapist a email confirming it and mentioning some of the anxieties my wife has about the session.  And her reply was "Okay, wonderful. I will make sure to make her feel as comfortable as possible.  These sessions tend to go well, so don't feel too anxious about that piece."

But, but Molly.  What piece should i feel anxious about?  ??? What pronouns are you going to use? :icon_eek:

(Mostly just kidding.  But I am nervous.  And I didn't think about the pronoun business until today.  Could be "interesting.")

@randim
Dear Randi:
I have my fingers crossed for you and your wife regarding her upcoming meeting with your therapist.  It sounds to me that your therapist is experienced with non-supportive spouses...  I hope that it goes as well as planned.

In the future I hope that your therapists might suggest a "couples" session where together with help of your therapist you and your wife can discuss and work out amicable solutions to the different issues that you and her have.

I will be looking for your updates as you feel comfortable posting them....
Hugs and wishing you well,
Danielle
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 01, 2018, 07:52:55 pm
Thanks for the kind words Danielle.  The session was today, and while I think the session itself went well (Kristin liked her, thought the session was  fine, etc.) it didn't help much with her attitude. Angry, cold, harsh, all that good stuff when I came home.  She's still normal.  I am not. Sarcastic, belittling comments.  Unfavorable comparisons to every one of her friends' spouses. Still a zero-tolerance policy of any overt expressions of femininity around her.  I suppose I should be glad she didn't call me a vomit-inducing freak.  She was thinking it though.  The therapist recommended some books like My Husband Betty, and she did say those made her want to throw up.  Makes you feel special.  Went into another room and cried for a while after our chat.  Sadly enough, it doesn't make me feel like she is my best friend, or for that matter, much of a friend at all.  I understand it's an atomic bomb in her life, but her reaction has not been kind.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Tara P on November 02, 2018, 02:10:18 am
That's really tough I'm so sorry to hear she isn't being supportive about it that's really hard to go through hearing that kind of stuff from someone you love.   :(

It was her first time though and maybe it will lay some groundwork to help her understand better in the future?  It's a lot to process after all.  Is she at least willing to try reading some of those books?  Or is she just literally judging a book by it's cover?
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 15, 2018, 09:06:56 pm
So...minor update.  I did tell my hair stylist I was transgender today.  He's gay, and was cool about it, but it was still a bit awkward.  It was nice to be able to open a bit though and talk more honestly about what I would like done with my hair.  Not there yet by any means (the hair), but some progress.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 27, 2018, 09:37:08 pm
Living in interesting times. I have the house to myself for a week or so and it seems to be going as I thought it might. Burst of shopping, making a concerted effort to only present male at work. Hoping to get comfortable carrying a purse. That seems to be a strangely significant gender marker for me. I went to a trans meetup event at the lgbt center, which was interesting but most of the people were much younger than me. I have an appointment tomorrow for a wig fitting/shopping. In emails with owner, i’m explaining I’m transgender. Feels pretty scary. Trying to figure out what to wear. I want to look my best but not overly dressed. That’s a first-world problem I guess. Things not improving much with Kristin. She called me a sick freak recently and continues to be upset with any contact I make with the trans community. I just don’t know. At times I feel like an old fool, but then I walk across the floor in a pair of flats and my heart melts. It just feels so, so right. I feel at times like I’m being swept out to sea by an irresistible tide. Sure hope there’s an island out there.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 28, 2018, 05:26:16 pm
Well, I did in fact make it to the wig shop.  The owners were quite wonderful people who were very friendly and supportive.  I wish I looked as good as they said I did  :) Oh, the final result is at https://imgur.com/CRhlU9Q for the curious.  So, no passing miracle or anything, but it definitely moves further along on the line towards the female end and shows some effort at improving presentation.  It will simultaneously be an exhilarating and terrifying experience rocking it in public.  Schrodinger's transgender I guess.  In my internal war, score a fairly significant victory for team pink.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: dee82 on November 28, 2018, 06:55:31 pm
Hi Randi,

Only just now catching up your story. Reading what Kristin called you recently must have hurt. Reading that made me feel quite sad. You are not an old fool. You are being true to yourself, and that is all you can do. That might sound like a cliche, but it can still be true...

The wig looks good on you. I really like the style. It suits you.

~Dee.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: GordonG on November 28, 2018, 07:15:15 pm
Randi
I wish you all the best in your journey. Sorry to hear about your wife. That hurts to even read about.
Your wig looks good. With some makeup and appropriate clothing I think you'll look just great.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: CarlyMcx on November 28, 2018, 11:57:10 pm
Hi Randi!

At 56, I’m also of a certain age.  I can tell you from experience, HRT and makeup can do miracles.  Granted my profile photo shows me after an hour in the chair with a professional makeup artist, and is way more involved than my daily go to work makeup, but still — it shows what is possible.

Go to a Sephora or an Ulta, get someone to work on you, and spend a C note or two on some product to get some quality stuff for your face and reward your salesperson for their work.

One of the best things I ever did back when was to sit in the chair and get matched for foundation.

Have fun and see where the road leads.

Hugs, Carly
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 29, 2018, 06:56:33 am
Thanks all for the support.  I actually have been to a Sephora for a foundation match and I was wearing it in the wig photo.  Probably not very well applied, and trying to get the concealer right underneath is difficult without looking too heavily/obviously made up. I have alternated between trying concealer and color corrector for the beard shadow, but it's a tough nut to crack.   A close-up shot from a bad camera angle doesn't help either.  And no blush, no eye makeup, nothing on the brows, etc.   I am thinking of going to Sephora today to get advice on blush and lipstick, etc.  Maybe revisit what can be done about the beard shadow. The obvious answer is beard removal, but that is a long term commitment.  Wearing the wig will be interesting.  I will obviously be a man in a wig, but I will look less mannish than without it.  And a whole, whole lot better from the side and back. So it feels like progress.  It feels like a step forwards towards claiming and owning a public female presentation.  There are plenty of 65-yo women who don't look like models.  I think there's room for one more.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 29, 2018, 04:51:47 pm
So... Had the day off today and ventured out into the world looking like this... https://imgur.com/vcyMu8M  The riding boots don't show up.  Got lots of smiles and nice treatment and even got called Miss once.  Store training I guess. It was quite interesting in terms of walking around with long hair, even if artificial.  It..just...kept...falling...in...my...face.  Amazing to be discovering things ciswomen discovered in middle school.  I think there is definitely a skill set in terms of posture and movements to minimize it, but you probably have to relax and accept that if it's not in your mouth or blocking your vision you just own it and roll with it.  At least that happened with me.  I can see why older women go with shorter cuts.  I'm sure it loses it charm after 20 years.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: laurenlucy on November 30, 2018, 02:26:31 am
Randi you look so great!!! I’m so happy you got to have that experience.


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Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Chloe_freebird on November 30, 2018, 03:00:50 am
Looking amazing!
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on December 05, 2018, 04:48:09 pm
So, my transcation is over as Kristin returns from the coast.  Clothes, makeup, etc. get discretely stored here and there in the house to honor our shaky DADT arrangement.  She is slated for a session with my therapist tomorrow.  The therapist wants to alternate sessions between her and me for a while.  Molly is good, but I fear my wife will be a tough nut to crack.  Interesting time to myself.  Got a good wig and wore it out in public a few times, expanded the makeup to include some eye makeup and lipstick.  My skills are weak with that, but as with anything else, practice, practice.  And I did get some more of that.  Climbing a notch up the femme ladder definitely takes me out of my comfort zone.  At times I felt like a big buffalo stomping about, all mannish and clumsy, and really self-conscious and nervous a lot.  And my face.  Oh...my...god... Let's just say I'm read faster than a speeding bullet from a great distance.  But I have always thought that if I keep going down this path I just have to put my big girl pants on and accept being an openly, out trans person that doesn't pass.  That is a tough adjustment, but if it's just me, internally, I could handle that I think.   But as always, the big question is if my wife and I can reach any sort of compromise with me being trans.  I have some really tough decisions if we can't.  I don't know if I would decide to transition, but I'd sure love to experiment more and go further down the road. The final chapters of my life could have some real plot twists.  At least being trans has helped my sex life.  I walk to my car at work now and think "I am so, so f*****d."

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on December 18, 2018, 03:52:33 pm
Weird times looming.  Trying to get ready for Christmas while thinking in the back of mind this might be my last Christmas with my wife. I am increasingly unhappy trying to live this "normal" straight life.  Feeling increasingly dysphoric when I see my reflection in the mirror, when I get dressed conventionally in my male clothes.  It's not agonizing or anything, but increasingly meh and unsatisfying.  I ponder fantasies like... donating blood en femme. I have a bunch of Christmas shopping still to do.  I want to do it as a woman.  But Kristin shows no signs of thawing and I can't keep living with someone who so clearly disrespects, if not despises, the authentic me.  I don't want to blow up the holidays or drop a family bomb on my daughter while she prepares for her marriage in June, but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up past the wedding. Wondering what things will be like after the wedding is over. Thinking hard of starting HRT and laser in 2019. That might be the gun safe that breaks the camel's back.  I don't even know how to describe myself.  Woman, transwoman, non-gender-conforming natal male?  All of the above? I am increasingly afraid cis male is about all that is going to work in my relationship, and sadly, that just isn't me.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 18, 2018, 04:22:19 pm
@randim
Dear Randi:
As you have experienced so far, the transition journey can certainly be an exciting one, but it can also be a road full of potholes, disappointments, and discouragement. 
You are the one that obviously has to modulate your transition course and timing so that it works with your relationships and your life endeavors.   
This can all be very difficult anytime but especially so during the holiday season with all the events around family, friends, meals and parties all so close together, etc.

An easy answer for solving your issues certainly escapes me but do know that I can identify with some of the pain that you are feeling.  You are definitely not alone in what you are going through as you described it.   It doesn't take too much looking around the various threads here on the Forums to see that many other transitioners are having or have had similar difficulties as well.  Read over some of those appropriate postings to glean any help that you are able.
Certainly therapy sessions, counseling and even "couples" counseling with a good gender therapist can be helpful.
I will be following your thread to keep up with what is happening with you... I am praying for good news.

I really do not know how else to advise you... but I am thinking of you and trusting and hoping that you can discover amicable solutions for your and your wife, your daughter, and certainly other family members and friends.
Hugs and well wishes to you and please try your best to have a happy holiday season.

Thank you very much for sharing.
More HUGS,
Danielle

Weird times looming.  Trying to get ready for Christmas while thinking in the back of mind this might be my last Christmas with my wife. I am increasingly unhappy trying to live this "normal" straight life.  Feeling increasingly dysphoric when I see my reflection in the mirror, when I get dressed conventionally in my male clothes.  It's not agonizing or anything, but increasingly meh and unsatisfying.  I ponder fantasies like... donating blood en femme. I have a bunch of Christmas shopping still to do.  I want to do it as a woman.  But Kristin shows no signs of thawing and I can't keep living with someone who so clearly disrespects, if not despises, the authentic me.  I don't want to blow up the holidays or drop a family bomb on my daughter while she prepares for her marriage in June, but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up past the wedding. Wondering what things will be like after the wedding is over. Thinking hard of starting HRT and laser in 2019. That might be the gun safe that breaks the camel's back.  I don't even know how to describe myself.  Woman, transwoman, non-gender-conforming natal male?  All of the above? I am increasingly afraid cis male is about all that is going to work in my relationship, and sadly, that just isn't me.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: dee82 on December 18, 2018, 04:46:58 pm
Randi, I feel for you. I look at my male clothes that still hang in the wardrobe and feel terribly unhappy (dysphoric) if I find myself needing to wear them.

Once out the bottle, the wanting to transition genie is very hard to put back in.

I started doing laser hair removal on my face before coming out and was amazed by the number of people who never noticed. People often don't really look, do they?

If you can start doing laser to help keep yourself sane, I say go for it! No need to wait.

About your relationship with Kristin I have been hoping you would report a positive change. I don't want to give up on better news in the future, and Danielle's advice is sound.

But in the end, you are the only one who can say what you can live with, and without.

~Dee.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Beverly Anne on December 18, 2018, 05:17:22 pm
Randi,

I think you look amazing! I'm really pulling for you. We've all been there in some form or fashion. My advice is simple and unafraid. Decide what makes YOU happy. Do THAT at all costs!

Happy holidays,

Beverly
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on December 19, 2018, 09:32:46 am
@Danielle (and, really to everyone)

Thanks so much for your support.  It means more than you know.  You really are just super, super sweet. One of the very best qualities.  Advise is nice,... but hugs are better.  I am very grateful.

@Dee

Thanks for your concern.  That is very kind. You are so, so right about genies.  They seem to have a mind of their own, don't they?  Of course, they also grant wishes..... Ummm.

@Beverly

Thanks so much for the kind words.  Judging from people's reactions, amusing might be more appropriate than amazing.  :D But smiles of any sort are kind.  For an old, hormone-less, beard-shadowy coot, it will do.  I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas as well.   

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 06, 2019, 08:17:55 pm
Oh, do you have the time
To listen to me whine?


I have not updated my sad saga in some time.  So, back the dump truck up!

There may be some signs of thawing on the marital front.  Maybe.  The last support group meeting I went to Kristin saw me take clothes out in a bag and noted it.  The next day she nervously asked if she could see my outfit. I did not model but showed her the jeans and sweater.  She seemed relived.  And a couple of days later she hinted that I could perhaps wear something to bed.  I told her I would think about that.  My concern there is that what I have are a couple of nightgowns, which, unfortunately, suffer badly from man-in-a-dress syndrome.  It would probably work better if she just saw me in something more androgynous.  But still, it seems like progress.  I kick myself for not parlaying those openings into a more meaningful conversation, but she has been so emotionally abusive in the past I just don't feel secure.  I don't want to be called a freak, or abnormal, or a <not allowed> so I stay silent, even when I shouldn't.

Along those lines, my therapist has been having me write a letter to Kristin, and I'm about done with that.  Not sure how that would be to deliver it.  It is true that it's a good vehicle for expressing myself openly.  It's been a while since I've done a letter, and it has some feeling of anonymity, even though it is not, and hence more honesty.  We'll see how it goes.  I do have a fear of any real conservation about it ending up like Maura/Shelly in the first season of Transparent.  "You let other people see you like this?.....I'm out of here."  I don't know.

The great irony is that I am struggling mightily with what I want to do.  Every time I try to present female, I feel so disappointed.  I am so old, so male.  My therapist says it is common for dysphoria to be severe at the stage I'm in (am I in a stage!).  Maybe that it it.  But it is worrisome that it remains so, so difficult to present in public.  It is true that I tend to have lonnng stretches between doing so, but every time it seems I have to sit in the car and breath in and out real hard a few times and tell myself to put my big girl pants on.  It is true that I almost always do, and when I do, it feels....awesome.  Perhaps awesome is not the right word.  Organic?  Natural?  Right?  But it is hard.  I don't know if that is internalized trans phobia or what, but it is hard.   

And it is true that I am getting close to lining up some kind of beard removal.  I just.... hate... it.  Tonight I shaved and then tried a facial peel for grins before putting makeup on.  And my God, the chin and lower lip just look like a mine field.  Might be some skin thing but I have to think zapping the hairs would help.  Of course HRT is the real mountain to climb.  Should I do it?  Would Kristin leave me (or ask me to leave) if I did?  Do I really want to grow breasts?  Is it safe (I have some cardiac issues)? I don't know! It was interesting that in a session I while back I was grousing about crying and how I didn't have tears and Molly just kind of said real low that "hormones would fix that."  I have thought about that a lot in retrospect.  She is all about not influencing my decisions but I do wonder what she really thinks of me sometimes.

I dunno.  I have always thought of myself as fairly radical for my age, and someone whose could fit into a non-gender-conforming role, but more and more it seems I am drawn to the female end of the binary.  I would so love to look age-appropriately cute in a female way.  Sadly, that is quite a river to bridge.  Like the poet sez, who'd have thought tomorrow would be so strange?

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 09, 2019, 10:39:29 am
Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
'Til your agony's your heaviest load
You'll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you're learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while
.... E. Saliers

Well, I finally got up the nerve to get a consult about laser/electrolysis.  Disappointingly enough, she recommended being on hormones, at least finasteride, for several months before starting.  So I guess that increases the pressure to make some decisions about HRT, which increases the pressure to have some very difficult conversations with Kristin. Fun, fun.  Is there a good link for an HRT for dummies sort of thing? It looks like a pretty complex topic, and I would like to read about it before seeing a doctor.  My ability to procrastinate is unparalleled, but it may be running out.  I am so all over the map with this.  I had some free time this week for a few days.  Broke the wig out and wandered around a hipster district near the university in Durham, did some shopping, attended a different support group meeting.  And yet still feel very self-conscious, ugly, male. I am so prone to over-dressing.  I was waiting at the electrologists office in my ankle boots while cis women came in wearing sweats and sneakers.   A learning process I guess. Wearing the wig is very strange.  It seems to attract so many more double-takes and stares than my old, fugly man-head.  It really seems like it should be the other way around.  Just...strange.  I dunno. There is a voice inside that keeps saying "no, this can's work" but it seems more and more like telling the tide to stop coming in.

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 17, 2019, 02:59:53 pm
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...

There may be some progress on the marital front.  Perhaps.  A couple of weeks ago Kristin had offered to let me wear something to bed.  I said I'd think on that.  (Turns out her thinking behind the offer was that she would be asleep and not have to see me very much.) This weekend we discussed it and I told her me in a nightgown might be too jarring for her, but that I would like to change for a support group meeting at home rather than in a bathroom there (which I hate, hate, hate doing). She agreed so I underdressed to a point where I was hardly dressed at all (just jeans and a woman's flannel shirt).  And that went fine.  I may be moving into a position where I can wear androgynous things openly around the house without stepping on any toes, which feels like a big step up from being called a sick freak.  I am not at all confident she would be so accepting of more feminine garb, however.  But we will see.  Maybe the ice is cracking a bit, and maybe we can start talking about it some.  Radical thought...

I am not sure where the road is heading on this.  I am really close to starting beard removal.  I am starting to hate the feel of stubble on my face with the heat of a thousand suns, but the electrolysis person I went to recommended that I be on hormones before starting.  That seems unnecessary to me.  I wouldn't think hormones would have much impact on the efficacy of electrolysis on the face, but what do I know?  I do wonder if a little kindly gate keeping was going on -- looking at the grandfatherly old coot and thinking "Honey, do you really want to do this?"  But, I have been thinking about hormones. I do need a physical, and as chance would have it, my old doctor is retiring.  I have been thinking of switching to a practice that advertises transgender care as one of their services.  Their intake form is pretty cool.  Inclues gender identity checkboxes, preferred pronouns, sex assigned at birth.  Seems like it could be a really good choice for me. So I am thinking of making an appointment there for a physical and discussing hormone pros and cons. 

It is funny though.  Seems the further I do the more aware I am of how far away it is and how I'll probably never get there in terms of passability and such.  Pretty scary, but I feel like I can't turn back.  I don't what label to apply to myself -- woman, transwoman, transfeminine, queer, non-gender-conforming, but whatever it is it ain't cis male.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Rachel on February 17, 2019, 08:09:06 pm
Hi, I disagree with the electrolysis / laser person. When you go on HRT your pain threshold will degrease. Your facial hair will in time slow down but never stop. I have been on HRT full dose for 7 years (wow, 7 years) and post op 2.25 years. I am still getting electrolysis. I must have over 300 hours by now. I have 4 hours tomorrow with numbing needles and the machine turned up.

If you have black hair and fair skin electrolysis is a good start. Plan on 8 treatments 6 weeks apart. See how it is going and go from there. If you are gray then start with electrolysis.

-------------------

Finasteride has been associated with increased suicidal ideation and can cause reduced libido. Please make sure you check with a doctor that knows you would be using this possibly in conjunction with HRT.

If in the USA and doing low dose HRT your doctor is the best person to ask about finasteride in conjunction with spiro and estrogen.

In general low dose can reduce dysphoria to a more manageable level. It depends on a lot of things and everyone is different. I know for me HRT was not enough. I thought it would be enough but it was just one step.

Good luck on your journey and I hope this helped,
Rachel
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: LizK on February 17, 2019, 09:00:20 pm
I agree with @Rachael she is spot on about the electrolysis. I have a problem with hypersensitivity on my face due to a number of childhood surgeries(we think( and after starting HRT this just worse.

If you do have dark facial hair you could try Laser. I have had excellent results and it removed about 60% of my facial hair and the majority of the rest was done with traditional zapping. I found the most challenging part  was working out my pain management for it.

I like you approach with your wife...slow and steady trying to keep her feeling in mind. It can be frustratingly difficult to do but necessary if you want to keep your relationship intact.


I hope it works out well for you

Liz
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 18, 2019, 09:07:11 am
I agree with @Rachael she is spot on about the electrolysis. I have a problem with hypersensitivity on my face due to a number of childhood surgeries(we think( and after starting HRT this just worse.

If you do have dark facial hair you could try Laser. I have had excellent results and it removed about 60% of my facial hair and the majority of the rest was done with traditional zapping. I found the most challenging part  was working out my pain management for it.


Liz

Thanks.  I have salt and pepper in my beard.  There is no way to avoid electrolysis but if laser can eliminate the pepper I would think it would speed things up.  I do get the impression laser is best done in the winter when you're not out in the sun much.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 03, 2019, 04:23:49 pm
Brief update.....

Actually went out dressed with Kristin today!  Extremely underdressed but it still felt different to me.  My therapist has had me work on a letter to Kristin that I have finished and need to share.  Tough working around to that, and I'm not sure how she will react, but her attitude seems light years better than just a few months ago, though there is a huge difference between flannel shirts and jeans off the women's rack, and what I would like to do, at least some of the time. Maybe it's a baby step in the right direction.  I have also made an appointment with a trans-friendly medical practice for a physical and a discussion of hormone pros and cons.  That's still a couple of months away but some big decisions looming there.  Trying a new hair stylist Friday.  Hope to be able to explain my situation and get some help figuring out what might work for me down the road in terms of a haircut. Really weird.  The realer things get the scarier they get it seems.  Blissed-out cross dressing seems so far in the past.  But if I could really integrate that into my daily life?  Can that really happen?  :o
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 07, 2019, 09:38:03 pm
Well, I had some discussion with Kristin tonight.  She is improving to the point where she says the house is now a "safe space" for me.  Which is an improvement.  But it is clear she thinks no one else needs to know and I should just stay behind closed doors. It would humiliate her to be seen in a restaurant with me in drag, as she put it.  Good to know that I make a super-ugly woman.  Of course, it is an incredibly heavy lift for her, and on balance maybe it means some steps down the path, but there are light years to go. I am not keen on being on house arrest, and I don't know that she has even considered me starting hormones or anything like that.  But the discussion needs to move to that level soon.  May 1 will be here before you know it, or at least I know it.  And I am not even sure where my head is at.  Transwoman, genderfluid, non-binary?  I don't know!  Cis is not a term that comes to mind though. Maybe I would feel more confident of embracing the female binary if I looked better.  I do feel so, so envious of natal women, especially, of course, the pretty ones.  But, alas, that ain't me, and there aren't enough hormones and makeup in the world to make it so. I do think I would be ok with being a butchy old grandma, but I don't know how others would take it.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 26, 2019, 04:54:10 pm
Update time.  I suppose the hamster spinning the trans wheel in my head needs a break. I have my first joint session with Kristin Thursday with my therapist.  I am very nervous about that.  Talking about the elephant worries me I guess. Kristin claims to be down with me dressing at home, though I haven't pushed that.  I guess I don't fully believe or trust her, something that should become clearer with time.  But I don't know that she would be down at all with HRT, which is something I may be deciding in the not-too-distant future.  She clearly wants the marriage to survive, but I don't know how much change she can absorb to that end.

It is kind of funny with me right now.  Gender seemed like a five-alarm fire so much of last year.  It seems much less so right now.  I feel like the wind has died down on a sailboat and I'm kind of becalmed.  Don't know if that is normal or not, but this has not been a straight road for me by any means.  But, as always, it's ... there.  I'm slated to have the house to myself next week and I realize I'm really, really looking forward to it, and the freedom that goes with it. It does make me realize that left to own devices, without the marriage to consider, there wouldn't be a lot of indecision, at least in terms of going further down the road.

I realize when pondering HRT that I am very apprehensive about developing breasts.  Seems so.... permanent.  I don't seem to have much body dysphoria.  My fantasy body is probably fairly androgynous -- just really skinny and smooth and hairless with a feminine face and hair.  Not so much curvy or voluptuous, though there certainly are times I am really envious of the curves.  Maybe I am just frightened about actual physical changes and things becoming real. Kind of feels like crossing a Rubicon. Ironically though, at my age, it is quite possible that hormones wouldn't do much at all to me physically.  And it's not that I am opposed to breasts.  I told my therapist I was breast-agnostic.  She thought that was funny, but I do wonder if that's a bit atypical.

I seem to be becoming ever more demanding of my appearance the more things seem real/normal -- I really am unhappy with my beard shadow and hair.  I am getting a lot fussier about the way clothes fit and a lot more self-critical about makeup and bad/inappropriate clothing choices.  And flipping through my journal.  Whoa.  Let's just say somebody's banging on the door pretty hard wanting out.  I don't know where I'm going to end up, but  I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maid Marion on March 26, 2019, 09:29:10 pm
What a coincidence.  My doctor of 30 years is retiring so I'm also likely to switch to a female doctor who does LGBTQ.

Good luck with the time alone.  It may help you decide what  you want.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Rae321 on March 27, 2019, 11:31:46 am
"I don't know where I'm going to end up, but  I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore."

God do I relate to that sentiment.  For a 40 year old, purely pretransition, gurl just dressing around the house and at the therapists office your tale is regaling, terrifying, heartbreaking, and inspirational.  My spouse hasn't turned on me yet (we haven't actually discussed HRT or any real changes, just coming out) and I hope he doesn't in the future but if you can overcome the kind of intractable resistance that you have been facing (even in incremental steps) then surely I can find the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other on this yellow brick road.

It's very painful to hear the things she has said to you.  I have felt myself crippled by the fear that I will hear the same kind of things from my husband.  That said it is very encouraging to hear her changing, even if it is slow.  It must be very painful to work through that, and I find your incremental approach very instructional.  It sounds like even with the damage and pain you love her very much and are being very attentive to her needs.  I hope she continues coming around more and eventually sees your love and patience rather than the mask of betrayal hurt and hurt that it sounds like she has been seeing in the past, and remembers that she is here for your needs as well.

As someone with no experience, only confusion and fear I of course can't offer you any tangible advice like the other ladiez on here can but I can say that I'm rooting for you, and even though only you can do you and know what is right for you I really hope that you find the peace that we all seem to be seeking here.  And while our faces may scream "MAN" at this stage of our development I've seen lots of faces come a long way over time so don't count yourself out.  Beauty is not really in the eye of the beholder or the face of the beholden, it's actually in the heart of both.  You look beautiful to me already, and you can only become more so as you become more of yourself!! So stay strong, take of yourself, and be true to your heart.  <3<3<3
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 27, 2019, 04:32:13 pm
@Marion

Good luck switching doctors.  I find this practice quite interesting. Having to decide on pronouns?  Modern times.... I'm sure I will enjoy my time to myself.  I always imagine doing a lot more than I end up doing, but I always seem to end up going out en femme to some extent, and it is always illuminating.  Realizing that the sky doesn't fall, and it's a matter of what feels right to me is a pretty liberating feeling.  But it can be daunting.

@Rae

Thanks so much.  You are kind and sweet. I hope things work out for you in your relationship  It sounds like your spouse really cares for you.  That is a good start.  We'll see how the incremental approach works out for me.  My therapist has advised that I might have to rip the band-aid off eventually.  I am loath to do that because I am not sure what the outcome would be.  Not overly brave to keep kicking the can down the road, but it feels like the right thing for now.  I don't know if I'm reshaping my world little by little, or simply delaying a difficult choice.  One day at a time. 

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Jessica_Rose on March 27, 2019, 08:32:18 pm
I seem to be becoming ever more demanding of my appearance the more things seem real/normal -- I really am unhappy with my beard shadow and hair.  I am getting a lot fussier about the way clothes fit and a lot more self-critical about makeup and bad/inappropriate clothing choices.  And flipping through my journal.  Whoa.  Let's just say somebody's banging on the door pretty hard wanting out.  I don't know where I'm going to end up, but  I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore.

There were several times when I reached a point where I was comfortable, but that usually only lasted for a few months. It can be a slippery slope, the further we go the more we want. When I started this journey I wasn't 100% sure where I would end up, but I am now in a much happier place than where I started. Only you know what will make you happy. I wish you the best of luck.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 01, 2019, 08:34:55 pm
The best of times, the worst of times....

It has been an eventful day.  I had an appointment with a doctor for a physical and to discuss HRT.  It's a very LGBT-friendly practice, and it's hard to imagine it going better.  Wonderful, warm people.  Used my feminine name, which they asked for on the intake form. Seemed like a very good, supportive doctor.  Gave me an informed consent form and scheduled me for a 30-day follow-on.  Strongly leaning towards starting it.  I felt like crying leaving the office, that this brave new world could have such people in it, and the thought that the world could be different.

Then I get home, ad find my wife has stumbled across my journal.  Said she was looking for envelopes in my study.  Let's just say there is stuff in there not intended for anyone else's consumption.  It freaked her out how dysphoric I am.  She also read some venting I had done about some things that hurt her deeply.  And I hate, hate, hate that.  It was intended to be a strictly private internal conservation put to paper.  I really feel extremely unlucky.  Though it did move the conservation forward about being trans.  She deeply regrets that I suffer, she is willing to let me experiment more, she understands a bit better that it is more than cross-dressing. But still... she sees no need for me to pierce my ears, she thinks a wig should suffice, she couldn't see herself going out in public with me, she thinks I would be extremely ugly as a woman.  Sadly, hard to argue with that.  I don't know.  I just wish that hadn't happened.

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 02, 2019, 08:24:23 am
Brief update:  I have now slept with Kristin in a nightgown, and she was ok with it.  I don't know why that should be significant, but it seems that way.  Maybe because it is not at all an androgynous look.  It does feel like progress. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Faith on May 02, 2019, 09:12:21 am
ouch, about the journal. I started writing one, sadly a bit behind now already. Most of what I write my wife knows and has heard. Still, it's written for me and no one else. I leave it lying around, she doesn't read it. How do I know? I trust her.

any progress is significant. The more you are seen, even in little bits, the more accustomed. My most accepting sibling is the one that has seen me the most. He struggled until we spent more time together.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 07, 2019, 09:19:43 am
Sisters, brothers, and bisters/srothers in-between, not much to update, but really feeling the need to dump some stuff out of my head, especially since journaling feels like a bad idea right now.  I hope it doesn't always feel that way.  The dust-up from her reading my journal has died down a bit, but it will leave some scars, I'm afraid.  Our anniversary looms on the 21st.  Could be some awkwardness there.  We'll see.  But Kristin is making an effort to be supportive, though it's clear she harbors deep anti-trans prejudices.  She has offered to share some of her clothes, and I really need to figure out the best way to take her up on that.  I think that could be a bonding experience.  Unfortunately, her tastes are somewhat different and our body sizes/types are quite different.  I did dabble a bit in under-dressing at home last weekend, wearing shorts and tees and a nightgown to bed one night.  I keep hoping I will hit a sweet, androgynous spot that satisfies me and doesn't freak Kristin out.  Unfortunately, dipping my toes in the water just  seems to make me want to jump in the pool.  For instance, the shorts I was wearing were actually pretty generous in terms of pocket space, but still, keys, a wallet and a cell phone had them stuffed to overflowing.  I kept thinking how nice a purse would be.  Which is funny, considering how mightily I struggled with carrying a purse in public when I first started doing it.  But I was finding myself missing the weight of it and the feel of it hitting my hip.  Maybe at this stage a murse might be a decent compromise, and that would solve some problems with jeans and shorts.   

My blood work came back ok from the doctor.  No medical issues. Total testosterone and hormone binding globulin in normal limits.  The informed consent form waits to filled out.  Could be starting HRT at the end of the month.  *gulp*  That feels really significant somehow.    Even when I started cross-dressing again and going into therapy, I never really thought I would transition.  I kept telling myself I would find some middle ground, that I would end up some non-gender-conforming person.  And I still may.  But, but, I feel ever drawn towards the female end of the binary.  Sometimes I have these fantasies of having a small apartment with flowers and plants arranged just the way I want it,  a lingerie drawer with a sachet, a nice jewelry box, closets populated solely with female clothes and shoes.  Just a little old lady living the senior years of her life. Feels nice.  Of course, the downside to the reality of that would probably be being alone in that apartment the vast majority of the time.  Could I actually live such a life in the house I live in now, with the spouse I live with now, with the social circle I have now? I just don't know.  That would be a heavy lift for Kristin.  Though to be fair, a heavy lift for me as well.  Moving from fantasy to reality is such a massive leap.  But I seem to be on some sort of subconscious autopilot that just.... keeps.... going down the road.  Last session my therapist said "you're in it now."  I just hope I'm not stepping in it now.
 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: F_P_M on May 07, 2019, 11:23:41 am
ahh the ol "compromise" thing. I do that ALL THE TIME. "maybe I don't have to fully transition, maybe I can just be non binary! Maybe I can just cross dress and it'll be good enough" but ultimately, deep down, you know it's not actually true, it's just damage mitigation.
Or an attempt at it.

I'm so sad to hear your wife is being so well, unsupportive. It's heartbreaking really.

You can do this okay?

I mean i'm guilty of talking myself out of it constantly as well. That fear of imploding the life you've built is huge and intimidating but ultimately we do have to be our true selves right? Living a shadow life does nobody any favours, either yourself or the people you interact with.

I'm sort of the polar opposite of you in the sense that i'm naturally inclined toward the masculine side of the spectrum but still unsure if I want to jump fully into that pool. There are a few things i'd miss about being female, like being able to smile at and talk to children without being glared at. (isn't that a depressing glimpse into the modern world?)
and yeah, i'm missing a bag. I mean I hated wearing a handbag because it hurt my shoulder and was stupidly designed with no compartments so I lost everything but maaaan, pockets aren't deep enough and today while cycling my phone fell out my pocket and smashed on the pavement and i'm like "DAMNIT Men's pants why!???"

I carry too much stuff with me. I mean a wallet, phone and keys takes up a lot of space. How the heck do guys manage that? If I also need my painkillers as well as the tissues and small distract my children toys I like to keep on me where do I put em?
I miss having a bag. I gotta find a masculine bag to carry.

But yeah, the constant yoyo "I really want/need this omg now now now" one day and then the next "do I? Oh no, crushing DOUBT!"
It sucks.

I hope things improve for you on the marital front, or at least you get some closure regardless. Good luck and congratulations on potentially starting hrt! Maybe just... you know.. give it a try, see how it makes you feel.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Faith on May 07, 2019, 11:26:35 am
I keep looking for that compromise line. Every time I think that I'm getting close it moves just a little bit further out of reach

I wish you every possible luck in finding your line
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 07, 2019, 01:46:25 pm
@Faith

Thanks Faith.  I appreciate it.  BTW, your latest pictures look amazing.  Just sayin'

@F_P_M

Thanks so much.  That was a wonderful post.  Words that were indeed true, necessary and kind. As an aside, if you're looking for a male bag this site specializes in them: http://www.modernmanbags.com.  Might be something there that works for you.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Faith on May 07, 2019, 02:28:51 pm
@Faith

Thanks Faith.  I appreciate it.  BTW, your latest pictures look amazing.  Just sayin'

Thank you Randi. I am still very much insecure about my looks. I just don't see what other people say that they see. Which is why I don't have a profile photo, I simply cannot look at myself that much.

I'd like to clarify my line comment.

I've set lines of compromise with my wife. Self-imposed to keep things calm. Each time I get close to that line it moves away. Forcing me to go a little further, forcing my wife to adjust that little bit more. I have not hit my line, my wife keeps stepping over hers to stay with me. I try, I really do. I fear I won't meet my line until what I need hits the monetary wall of 'can't do' .. and hopefully before she can't follow any further.

So, again, I sincerely wish you luck in finding your line.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 07, 2019, 04:28:08 pm
Thank you Randi. I am still very much insecure about my looks. I just don't see what other people say that they see. Which is why I don't have a profile photo, I simply cannot look at myself that much.

I'd like to clarify my line comment.

I've set lines of compromise with my wife. Self-imposed to keep things calm. Each time I get close to that line it moves away. Forcing me to go a little further, forcing my wife to adjust that little bit more. I have not hit my line, my wife keeps stepping over hers to stay with me. I try, I really do. I fear I won't meet my line until what I need hits the monetary wall of 'can't do' .. and hopefully before she can't follow any further.

So, again, I sincerely wish you luck in finding your line.

Thanks Faith.  I think I understand what you mean.  And I would guess that is not uncommon, to want more freedom to experiment more as time goes by.  I'm not super-familiar with your story, but from what I've read Lori is quite amazing.  You are blessed, as the religious folks say.

It's funny with me.  I am willing to compromise.  I'm generally still comfortable enough presenting in male mode.  I'd probably be ok with keeping up appearances if I could let my hair down (assuming I had hair long enough to put up) on my own time.  The problem is I know in my bones the things I want to do to let my hair down will alter my appearance eventually and blow a hole in male mode.  I want to try HRT (which at my age probably won't have much physical impact but it's not going to make me more masculine, that's for sure).  I'd like to pierce my ears, do something with my brows, zap my beard, body-shave, do something with my hair (though maybe a wig would be a viable option).  Do all that and I think I'd look pretty different, even trying to present as male.  I suppose I should be grateful that nail polish doesn't call to me much.  :D That is all way beyond what Kristin is willing to compromise on for now, that's for sure, though I suppose that could evolve over time.  And I understand the money remark as well.  I don't see surgeries in my future but therapy and electrolysis will be formidable expenses if I keep going this way.  Nothing about this is simple or easy, that's for sure.  Best of luck to you moving forward.  Great avatar pix by the way.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Faith on May 07, 2019, 04:43:26 pm
I wanted to compromise, my head wouldn't let me. So many stages. At one point I was going to be just 'her Faith', no one else knowing. Me, Faith - secret to the world, out to her. This was not a simple 'hide the shame' compromise. She really wanted me to be just hers, yet I couldn't stop.

Blessed? I'll say I am. I have been so fortunate throughout my life and now to have the support that I have? It's incredible. For most of the past year and a half I've had crushing fear. Fear that I'd lose everything. None of that happened. That fear is slowly fading.

I love my wife to the very depths of my soul .. yet I couldn't hide myself for her.

my avatar. Thank You, it's your fault you know :D  I don't know how long I can look at it. I'll try to make it a week, see what happens
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 19, 2019, 09:50:15 pm
Not a lot to update, but just feel like babbling a bit...

Have an appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow to discuss blood-thinners as a prelude to HRT.  Probably a wise move given my medical history.  Having to come out to him is a bit awkward, but it is what it is.  When I initially emailed him, I asked he he had any cardiac concerns about HRT.  His response:  "No cardiac concerns."   Subtext: "Something is amiss here."  Should go fine though.  I guess my aspirin regime is soon to be a thing of the past.

Had an interesting experience at a support group meeting last night.  There was a new/old attendee coming back to the group, and she is a powerful personality.  She is an activist and talked a lot about politics and such.  As the meeting broke up she talked to me a good deal giving me much advice about my situation.  Afterwards I was helping the facilitator clean up and she offered "You know, in your conversation, she was very much the man and you were very much the woman."  I don't know why, but that is one of the nicest things I've heard in a long time.  Pretty much made my day.

Kristin is down at the coast so I've had some free time.  Went to the farmers market and grocery store underdressed.  Felt great.  Today I did wig, makeup, purse, etc., and hit a mall.  Not at all passable but looking like someone trying to effect a casual female look.  Got my share of big grins, stares, etc.. but it....felt....great.  Felt so good to just pick some clothes out and take them back to the changing rooms and try them on.  It just feels so incredibly right to rock a purse. 

It does make me realize that if it weren't for marital issues, I wouldn't be stopping, I wouldn't be passing go.  I'd be down the rabbit hole so far, so fast.  I had this fantasy today of just bagging my male clothes up and tossing them in the trash.  Didn't do it, but I have to say it had a lot of appeal.  I am so ready to be a <not allowed> granny.  Pity others do not share my enthusiasm.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maid Marion on May 20, 2019, 02:22:15 am
Hi Randi,

That didn't take long.  You were once worried carrying a purse and now you are totally comfortable with that!
I think this comes with finally being able to express yourself!

Marion
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: MarshaJoy825 on May 20, 2019, 07:48:19 am
Hello Randi,

   I just found your thread. I am so glad to follow your progress! I am looking forward to seeing what the future has in store for you. I can sure relate to your very first post about how your male ego was at that time resisting like a stubborn mule. I liked the comparison!    Marsha
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on June 26, 2019, 12:10:05 pm
Hi all,

Sooo, long time, no poast.  I know, I know, everyone's wondering what that f[]'d up old trans woman has been up to.  Let me fill you in a bit.  Big news -- MY DAUGHTER'S MARRIED.  In a lovely ceremony with a good time had by all.  This would of course be significant at any time for me, but doubly so because I have been kicking many trans-related topics down the road until the ceremony was finished.  I was so worried there might be a huge blow-up between Kristin and me that would cast a pall over the event.  And I felt I had to honor the role of Cindy's masculine father, which is all she's ever known me as. It's funny (well, not really).  I had a good time, but the wedding photos make me  blue.  Just an old, white-haired man in a suit not showing a hint of anything female.  Not really the way I like to picture myself these days! But, it was good and now the trans road beckons again.

Along those lines, I have an appointment with a doctor next week to discuss hormones, and I think I'll be getting a prescription unless the blood work I had done earlier this year is too old.  I have brought the topic up with Kristin and in fact we had a joint counseling session about it today.  Not really a lot of fun. I'm at work now and not really looking forward to going home tonight.  She's pretty scared, angry, upset and really doesn't want to see any physical changes like breast development.  Ironically, and I told her this, at my age I don't think there will be significant changes.  I think at 66 my physical cake is pretty much baked, though of course HRT wouldn't be doing anything to make me *more* masculine, for sure.  Don't know if moobs are coming down the road though.  Could be problematic.  But I really hope it does alter my interior world.  Just thinking about it makes me catch my breath a little. I do suspect it will alter my self-image a good deal.  We shall see.

But it seems clear to me that there will always be a bridge too far wrt my marriage.  I don't know if she could be the partner of a fully transitioning, doing-surgeries, change-the-gender-marker-on-documents, go-as-far-on-the-binary-as-you-can transwoman.  To be honest, though, I don't know if that is where my road leads anyway, although it might be.  I have thought a lot about some flavor of non-binary recently, but I don't know if that really reflects my innermost self or seems merely a possibly workable compromise that might preserve my marriage.  I'm pretty sure, though, that my preference for shoes runs to stuff off the women's rack. I do wish I could give Kristin better answers about what I want, but I really don't know myself. 

And I don't know who I am
But life is for learning


Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Rae321 on June 26, 2019, 10:36:47 pm
Wow, big deal stuff.  Congrats on the wedding.  I bet that was still a lot of fun even in boy mode.  And congrats on moving forward with hormones.  It seems like youve waited a good long while.  I hope they strike a balance with your mind and body that both of you can benefit from.  Our spouses ate so important to many of us,  more so as the years go by.  You invest so much of your heart in this person that anything that hurts them hurts you too,  but the blade cuts the other way too.  You have to be you and take care of you in order to really be a present and full spouse. Good luck with your appointment! Hugs.  <333
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on July 01, 2019, 05:15:50 pm
Sooo, just thinking a bit and looking back on my weekend.  I am in one of the periods when Kristin is at the coast so Randi has free reign of the house.  As is the usual, I resolved to spend the entire weekend as Randi, and kind of did, but not to the extent I had hoped.  As is the usual, fear reared its ugly head.  I had a couple of things I really wanted to get done over the weekend.  I needed new tires for my car and I am interested in getting women's frames for the occasions when I'm dressed, which will necessitate an eye exam.  I had hoped to do these errands fully dressed, which for me implies being pretty casually dressed but wearing a wig, makeup and accessories. Looking a lot like this:

(https://i.imgur.com/mIUJcdy.jpg)

Yes, this is what happens when you're tied to the post and lashed with the man whip for a long, long time.  Not pretty, literally, but it is what it is and my body is what it is.

Anyhow, I make the appointment for my tires and I just can't get up the nerve.  So I compromise and just go there with unisex clothes and shoes off the women's rack and a purse, just looking like some sort of flavor of aged LGBT.  And everybody is fine with it. But being in the waiting area for a couple of hours, not being able to leave, was kind of different.  Previously  when out in public I've been pretty unfettered and able to split if it's not working.  Being pinned down for a long time was a new experience.  But it was fine, if quite tedious after a while, until three young women, probably late teens, show up.  They didn't bother me or anything like that, but I felt a ton of embarrassment.  Maybe just internally noting the contrast between me and them, and their lovely, tanned, polished-glass legs. It is amazing what mother nature can do. It did make me feel quite foolish.  I don't know why.   After leaving I went home for a while and went out grocery shopping presenting pretty much the same.  I have to say that was quite nice.  It felt pretty close to normal, pretty close to the way I'd have felt doing it in boy mode.  For some reason that felt quite lovely and awesome to me.   

And Sunday I did hit a mall fully dressed.  Went into Lens Crafters only to be told they couldn't work me in.  Disappointing but I was glad that I made the effort.  Just browsed a bunch of stores and tried on and bought some pants and got some jewelry.  Sales clerks all as nice as they could be.  Did not have the same sense of normalcy that I had experienced the day before though.  Jacking up the presentation to be more femme definitely takes me out of my comfort zone. Maybe just a matter of not doing it enough, but I do wonder if I were going full time if I wouldn't be pretty butch anyway, though maybe gradually evolving into a more feminine presentation.  I really couldn't see myself wearing a dress or skirt right now.  I just wouldn't look good. 

And this morning I needed to get dressed in boy mode to go to work.  Once again, hated ever second of it.  Looking forward to going home and changing. 

Have an appointment Wednesday to go over HRT.  May have a prescription soon. Kristin doesn't like that one bit, but I don't think that by itself is a bridge too far.  But I don't know.  I don't have a great feeling about the marriage.  Even though I am slower than molasses,  I don't know if I can stop, and I don't know if she is going to want to be along for the ride, wherever it takes me.

 

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 01, 2019, 07:01:50 pm
@randim
Dear Randi:
Thank you for sharing from your heart and about your recent life events....   I think that you are doing well handling the difficult issues that you brought up. ....   

Successes, Failures, Disappointments and Discouragements can all come at you at once...... 
 
...please fall back on your recent "Dolly Parton" posting today on my thread:

    "Positive Mindset... put away negativity" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)

I wish you well and try to stay positive...
..  thank you again for sharing.
Trusting that you will find a way to deal positively with the difficulties that you are dealing with.


HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on July 01, 2019, 07:21:04 pm
Thank you so much Danielle.  You are really quite a special person.  I hope my post didn't sound too down.  Believe me, I strive mightily to stay off the cross. Just ruminating on taking my little baby steps out into the world.  It wasn't a bad weekend at all, though being trans certainly has its dark moments, as most of this forum know far better than I.  But wonderful moments as well.  Just striding into Harris Heeter and feeling comfortable shopping and fishing my wallet out of my purse when I paid and feeling like that was the most normal thing in the world to do was just so, so sweet.  There is just some part of me that so wants that to be the new normal.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on July 08, 2019, 08:57:26 pm
Well, gulpie, gulpie, gulpie, peeled off my little patch and put it on this morning.  I'm going to see how estrogen agrees with me.  Pretty scary but it feels like the right thing to do.  Got my fingers crossed, but I'm thinking it's going to agree with me just fine. What that means long-term I just don't' know.  It was a little more complicated than I had hoped.  The doctor that prescribed the patch actually is not comfortable continuing to work with me given my age and health complications.  She did the script but she is referring me to an endocrinologist for future treatment.  That's a shame.  I really like the doc and the practice and I don't know how I'll like the new guy and what he will think is appropriate for me. Guess I shall find out.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 08, 2019, 10:12:56 pm
Well, gulpie, gulpie, gulpie, peeled off my little patch and put it on this morning.  I'm going to see how estrogen agrees with me.  Pretty scary but it feels like the right thing to do.  Got my fingers crossed, but I'm thinking it's going to agree with me just fine. What that means long-term I just don't' know.  It was a little more complicated than I had hoped.  The doctor that prescribed the patch actually is not comfortable continuing to work with me given my age and health complications.  She did the script but she is referring me to an endocrinologist for future treatment.  That's a shame.  I really like the doc and the practice and I don't know how I'll like the new guy and what he will think is appropriate for me. Guess I shall find out.
@randim
Dear Randi:
I know how difficult and sometimes personally upsetting it can be to switch doctors in the middle of your transition treatment but your Doctor is doing exactly the correct thing by referring you to an Endo that specializes and has experience in your transition journey and may know better how to deal with your health and age concerns as they relate to your HRT regimen.

Stay positive and have an open mind, more than likely you will like your new Endo doctor.

Thank you for sharing and please keep me an the rest of your followers tuned into your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.


HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Rae321 on July 08, 2019, 10:44:02 pm
Congratulations Randi. I look forward to hearing how things go.  Hugs <333
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Wendi on July 08, 2019, 11:30:50 pm
So happy that you got your patch. I'm sure the new Dr will be just fine but I know it can be nerve racking till you meet the new Dr.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on July 09, 2019, 05:19:47 pm
Congratulations on the steps you are fearlessly taking Randi.

Hope the referral/transfer to the endocrinologist works out the best for you.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on July 09, 2019, 09:59:06 pm
@Danielle, @Rae321, @Wendi, @Maddie

Thanks all for the kind words. Oddly enough, I feel far more fearful than fearless.  :D Appropriate I guess. But it is the right thing to do.  I have lived with this suppressed wish, which I can't fully articulate, my entire long life.  It deserves serious exploration, and perhaps those prayers down on my knees asking to be made a woman may yet come true in some form or fashion.  They do say God helps those that help themselves.  I've been listening to an old Kristen Hall song a lot lately that really resonates with me, especially these lines: 

i'll be crossing the atlantic without charts
i'm the ferdinand magellan of these parts
i'm just following my compass
following my compass in the dark
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on July 31, 2019, 09:45:20 am
Update time, cause it's been a while.

I have been on low-dose E for about a month, no T blocker.  It's been interesting.  I am starting, I think, to feel some effects. I get these little waves of feeling that kind of come and go where the world does seem different, though it's hard to articulate how.  Things seem a bit less rushed, I pay more attention to small details, I'm more apt to make eye contact, casual social interactions seem  a little friendlier, I may be a bit more open. It reminds me in a distant way of getting high. But it's pretty subtle and I continually lapse back into my "normal" suppressed mode.  But when the waves come in, oh my, the water feels nice.  Not much in the way of physical changes.  Skin may be a lit more oily, nips seem a tad different, but not much.  No other tenderness or indication of breast development.  At my dosage and age that is not surprising, but that's not a problem.  I am fine being flat-chested, especially having hair on my chest.   

Kristin and I continue to grope our way along.  Had a somewhat painful joint therapy session last week.  Lots of references to "my husband in a dress" (ironic, since I don't actually *have* any dresses or skirts) and me looking ridiculous and such.  She has zero interest in being seen in public with me wearing a wig or upping my presentation level with makeup or anything like that.  But she seems to be able to handle me dressing androgynously, though the tops I've worn around her aren't much more than neutrally-colored tees.  She didn't like me wearing a nightgown to bed, so I've experimenting with sleep shorts. Not too different than my traditional sleepware of men's boxers.  She's ok with me wearing women's lounge wear around the house. And of course, she should not have a veto over what I wear,  but I am trying to cobble something together that works for both of us. But dressing as a guy just seems to be getting harder and harder.  I just....like...wearing...girl stuff. But it is hard hitting the bricks presenting as female.  I guess it would be easier if I did it more than once and a while, or if it didn't feel so dangerous to my marriage.  It would be nice if I actually looked better doing it.  Very butch, low-key dressing does seem to work better with my hulking, aged, male body, but I do seem to be continually expanding my boundaries.  I find myself wearing stuff in public I never thought I would dare to do at one time.  I do so regret I'll never be a young, pretty female. (Now THERE'S an original thought on this site.  ;D) 

I have an appointment with the endro I was referred to on the 19th.  I kind of hate working with a guy on this, although that certainly is not fair to him.  I guess I just would trust a woman more. But I don't know how that is going to go, or how I am going to describe what I want to achieve from the therapy. Keeping my fingers crossed that I like him. 

As time roles on, thinking more and more of how I'm going to come out to my children.  I don't seem to be retreating back into the closet, thank God, and telling them has to be done at some point soon.  I would like to have a better feel for how my relationship with Kristin is holding up, and is likely to hold up. 

I am, indeed, living in interesting times. Some pop song lyrics that pop into my head:

Now I've paid my dues cuz I have owed them, but I've paid a price sometimes
For being such a stubborn woman in such stubborn times
Now I have run from the arms of lovers, I've run from the eyes of friends
I have run from the hands of kindness, I've run just because I can

But now I'm grown and I speak like a woman and I see with a woman's eyes
And an open door is to me now like the saddest of goodbyes
It's too late for turning back, I pray for the heart and the nerve

And I rely upon the moon, I rely upon the moon
I rely upon the moon and Saint Christopher


Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on August 01, 2019, 07:51:27 pm
Randi,
Thank you for the update. From what you shared, I believe we are on a similar HRT regimen. I started a couple weeks ago. So I'm new to E, and feeling it a little bit even though my dose is low.

Your home situation sounds agonising to me.  In my mind, I picture you purchasing dresses and skirts and wearing them around her, so at least she can legitimately make that complaint.
Would that be bad?

 

Now I've paid my dues cuz I have owed them, but I've paid a price sometimes
For being such a stubborn woman in such stubborn times
Now I have run from the arms of lovers, I've run from the eyes of friends
I have run from the hands of kindness, I've run just because I can

But now I'm grown and I speak like a woman and I see with a woman's eyes
And an open door is to me now like the saddest of goodbyes
It's too late for turning back, I pray for the heart and the nerve

And I rely upon the moon, I rely upon the moon
I rely upon the moon and Saint Christopher

What is that, Randi? I'm not placing it.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on August 01, 2019, 09:18:33 pm
Thanks Maddie,

I think of dresses sometimes, but in my current state I think they would be too incongruous with my masculine face and hair.  More butchy looks work a lot better for me.  I need to dramatically improve my makeup skills and figure out a hair solution, even if it's a wig, before doing really idealized feminine presentations. That still gives me a giant girly sandbox to play in.

The snippet is from a Mary Chapin Carpenter song -- The Moon and St Christoper.  It's quite beautiful and really resonates with me at times, for whatever reason.  Maybe the praying for the heart and nerve bit. Well worth a listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh6zg7ixSD4
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on August 07, 2019, 05:14:52 pm
Feeling weird and scared today.  I had the house to myself for the last few days.  Didn't get to take too much advantage of it because I'm smothered at work, but obviously could dress freely at home, did get a chance to run a few errands en femme and attended a support group meeting one night that went out to dinner in downtown Durham afterwards.  Going out to dinner in a group is very new to me, and a bit intimidating, but a very worthwhile thing to do.  So far so good.  So why am I scared, you may ask?  One thing I did do at home was take a few selfies, and that has bothered me a lot. I have always hoped a viable option for me might be as some sort of gender-non-conforming person who could be satisfied with androgynous presentation without having to be too feminine.  That would be simpler, easier and would leave male mode as a viable option when advantageous.  Fine.  So I was considering going out wearing some nice, white shorts and a woman's polo.  Not guy stuff, but pretty under dressed.  I modeled in the mirror and I tried a few selfies.  And..I..just...looked..horrible.  It was extremely dysphoric, mostly because of my extremely masculine-looking head.  I just would not have felt comfortable going out in public that way, feeling that way. So I tried it wearing a wig.  And it was a million times better.  Not passing or anything, just a guy trying to look like a casually-dressed woman, and there was plenty to not like about what I saw, but I didn't have the same bad dysphoria. I felt I looked a lot better.  That's good, but looking more feminine without passing makes going out in public harder.  I am worrying a lot more that the middle ground fantasy may be slipping away, and that's a lot more complicated.   A lot more.           
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Faith on August 08, 2019, 06:14:01 am
I fell out of the middle ground fantasy much faster than I expected, I didn't expect to at all so there ya go.

As for the looks. I meet a lot of people. I've seen plenty of gals who could pass as men yet didn't give me any 'trans like me' vibe. Doesn't mean they were or weren't, I simply saw them as women. Their looks didn't define them. Their internal comfort and belief in self is what carried. That's the goal

If I ever reach that goal, I'll let you know. I'm hoping that you get there soon as well.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on August 08, 2019, 04:12:58 pm
Randi I'm glad you went out as you did. Rather than not go out at all
And you found a presentation that you were okay with for that night!

Sounds cool that the support group meets and went out afterwards.
Is it a big group?  Are a lot of them passable?

I used to go to a transgender support group and I would try to get them together to go out like that.
Because I was going out dressed often and was tired of being alone.  Noone took me up on it then, so I thought they were ashamed to be seen with me.  Looking back i think they were ashamed to be seen themsrlves.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on August 08, 2019, 05:13:42 pm
There are generally around 8 to 12 people I think. Many have fully transitioned.  Discussions may turn to topics like legal name changes and such.  Many of these are passable (wayyy more than me!) though not beautiful, and the group usually includes several transmen.  The biggest issue I have with the group is that most of the people are so much younger.  There is a definite generational gap there, but there are a couple of people in my age range there once and while. But the meeting times (6:30 on a weekday evening) are not very convenient for me.  There is a weekend support group that meets once a month that has older people, but attendance can be really spotty there.  The last meeting it was just me and the facilitator. I am also looking to hook into a monthly trans pot-luck in the area. Sounds like it might be a good way to meet people.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 08, 2019, 06:15:04 pm
@randim
Dear Randi

You and others that have relevant and regular meetings and groups in your area are very fortunate.
As far as I am aware, I am the only trans person in my little town... I would have to drive for several hours to get to a larger town that might have such things going on.   

As a result I have made it my mission to connect with as many accepting women and men as possible, and so far that has worked out well for me.

Continue getting involved as you see fit, it is important to widen our like-minded acquaintances and friends base.

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maid Marion on August 08, 2019, 09:05:22 pm
I started in middle ground territory as I've always been short and thin.

I find socializing easier  as I  get more feminine, perhaps because I don't care whether I pass or not.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on August 19, 2019, 03:44:46 pm
Update time.  Need to ramble a bit.

Just got done with my appointment with the endocrinologist.  It went well enough.  He explained the processes involved and recommended a medium dose of Estradiol and Spiro.  The dose being low because I'm not certain enough about how far to go.  He was not as sensitive as a woman would probably have been, but he was very nice and supportive.  I had been worrying about this for a bit so it is a relief to have it go well.  Even at a low dose, the pills will be a large increase over the patch I've been wearing.  And the spiro will be new.  Should be interesting times ahead.

Kristin continues to hold a dim view of it all, though she tries in some ways to be supportive.  In other ways, though, not so much.  She tosses in a lot of small digs.  She calls me "Pops" or "old man" a lot, which is something she's done for a long time but under the circumstances she has to know that is problematic to me.  When she gave me a birthday gift last week, when I was picking the box up she volunteered "it's not a dress."  Didn't seem like a joke.
It's pretty clear she harbors a lot of trans prejudices.  She absolutely hates the thought of me being in public in anything beyond an extremely androgynous presentation.  When I left for a support group meeting this weekend, she admonished me "not to let anyone see me," though she amended that to "I mean be safe."  She did offer a nice top of hers for me to wear.  I thought that was supportive and positive, so I accepted.  After the meeting, I was invited to join some other people for some food afterwards, so I was a lot later getting in than usual.  I think me being out in public bothered her a lot.  She was ice-cold the next day.  I had only worn her top a few hours, so I had hung it up when I got in.  She washed it the next day saying it stank of b.o. "because you're a man." Pretty hostile about it and not good all day.

And where, one asks, is Randi's head in all this?  So hard to say.  I have felt at times quite becalmed about it all earlier this year, but the winds seem to be picking back up.  I am starting to see myself telling her I need to transition.  Not there yet but it seems a lot closer and realer than it has in some time.  Really feeling that absent Kristin, I'd be moving to a full social transition.  I just can't ignore the reality of my feelings and my life history.  I can't deny that I'm not cis.  It's always tempting to believe that I am, but when I think about stopping or reversing couse, I realize that is just crazy.  But damn, it is hard.  It is like climbing a mountain.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on August 19, 2019, 06:40:22 pm
But damn, it is hard.  It is like climbing a mountain.

Whatever you do, don't look down.

Oops!
I just looked down...

I'll be right here, clinging to the mountainside.
And my yodel...is not good.

Seriously, some people really like to spread the pain around.
I have a neighbor in front who calls me "old man".  I don't care.
But I don't have to share my apartment with him.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Faith on August 19, 2019, 06:53:35 pm
Randi, I honestly can't imagine going through that. I struggle yet have full immediate family support. Those that don't support I rarely saw in the first place - that loss is minimal.

Keep in mind, you cannot be true to someone you are sharing your life with if you cannot be true to yourself.

You spend your whole life with yourself. One must face the fact that sometimes you will look and there is no one beside you.   I don't know where I was going with that.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on August 19, 2019, 09:35:36 pm
Thanks Faith.  It's up and down.  Tonight Kristin offered me, in a friendly way, some shoes one of her friends had given her that didn't quite fit right.  Seemed nice.  Tomorrow, maybe I'm a sick freak.  Who knows?  Well, truthfully I haven't heard that lately, so there's that.  But I'd be lying if I said things are solid.  Really wondering if there is just going to come a time to go, and if that hasn't already arrived.  That would be sad and hard for a million reasons, but I can't live what's left of my life to fit her hetero normative vision of what I should be.  *Sigh*  Can't believe people that think this ish is a choice.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on August 23, 2019, 09:33:40 am
Some odds and ends.  Seem to be feeling a need to post a bit more frequently.  Well, you girls and guys knew the net was dangerous when you signed up.  :D

First, a trivial problem I am having, but it is a problem.  I have pretty much stopped wearing men's underwear.  So, what's the problem?  Well, I work out almost daily M-F and have to change in a locker room with people of the male persuasion in it.  It makes me super-shy and self-conscious.  I have tried changing in toilet stalls and switching my workout times to fairly dead periods when there are few people at the gym, but none of those is a great solution.  I'm really thinking at some point I have to put my big-girl pants on (or off as the case may be), and just own it.  Plain, neutrally-colored cotton briefs don't seem *that* different than tighty-whiteys.  And frankly, at my age, people are probably furiously trying *not* to see me change.  As I say, a trivial problem, but a problem.

More significant news.  As I mentioned,  I recently saw an endocrinologist.  I mentioned he recommended an increase in my estradiol dosage.  Did I mention it was a 20x increase?  Turns out the patch I was wearing is such a low-dose as to be almost nothing.  Which is interesting, since I had felt some mentai and very minor physical changes, or I thought I had.  Guess they were mostly psychosomatic. He also recommended that I speak with my cardiologist about mixing spiro and eliquis.  My cardiologist had no issues with it, so I guess I'll be starting a new regime soon.  20x?  I get this image of a tsunami approaching, though in actuality it is just a standard low-dose towards the bottom of the scale.  Funny thing (or not so funny) is a big part of me *wants* it to be a tsunami, and is just dying to be swept away.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: CynthiaAnn on August 23, 2019, 10:19:23 am
Funny thing (or not so funny) is a big part of me *wants* it to be a tsunami, and is just dying to be swept away.

When you feel the "glow", you'll know  ;)

Good luck with dosage increase

C -
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 02, 2019, 12:06:59 pm
Wow.  Guess it's been a while since I've inflicted my ramblings on the forum. 

There have been some goings-on.

I...came out...to my children.  Goddess help me.

And of course, they were wonderful and supportive, although, not surprisingly, they aren't jumping up and down and going "Oh YAY."  More on that later.

I had been trying to figure out how to do this for a while. My middle son is getting ready to travel to Central America in a few weeks and his brother and I drove out to Asheville to help him move his stuff out, which was about a 3-hour car ride.  We talked along the way and I got up the nerve to bring it up.  He didn't say a whole lot but was kind and good.  I'm sure he was really surprised.  That night we went out for dinner and drinks with his brother and were sitting on some benches in an outside courtyard when it just all came tumbling out to him.   We ended up having an extended conversation about it.  I'm sure the other people in the courtyard got some unexpected entertainment for the evening.  A party sitting nearby got up to leave and one of them squeezed my shoulders and patted me on the back.  Probably the worst possible setting and way to do it, but at least it's out.  And when we got back I wrote an email to their sister telling her, because I didn't want her to be the only family member left in the dark.

They are all loving, all supportive, but I think they are a bit in shock, and it's going to be a tough adjustment for them to see their father in a different light.  My middle son was asking me questions like "you don't wear a dress do you?" It wasn't hostile or anything, but I do worry that it may impact how much he respects me.  We'll just have to see.

And Kristin was not pleased that I told them.  Got some "I hate you" responses and she went into the bedroom and closed the door.  Though things have improved since then, but I don't know how the transparency will impact family relations and my marriage.  I know she wanted to keep it compartmentalized and secret.  Not happening now.

And me?  How do I feel?  A have a real mix of emotions.  There is great relief to finally have it out.  But also great dread and stress.  It is a significant step forward.  More, a lot more, toothpaste out of the tube, and more and more of a commitment to ..... something.  Traditional transition?  Some non-binary thing?  I just don't know, but I'm not clicking my heels and returning to Kansas, that's for sure.  And that does bring up a lot of the stomach-churning fear and stress I felt when I started this last spring.  That had kind of subsided but it's making a comeback.  Sometimes I feel I'm just burning my life to the ground as fast as possible.  Though it truth "fast" isn't applicable.  More of a glacial pace.  But, what can you do?  Someone at a support group meeting once said something about being trans like "It'll chase you down."  Ain't that the truth.  I ran from myself, somewhat successfully, for decades, but Lady Dysphoria is a relentless pursuer.  I'm really, really glad I have therapy tomorrow.

Of course, it could all be a relatively moot point if it turns out I have cancer.  My weight has stabilized but I'm not putting it back on and I'm eating a good bit.  But between my personal life and work the pressure has been relentless and savage.  So hopefully that is the explanation and not the C-word.  Time will tell I guess.  Really do feel like I could use a vacation somewhere.





Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 02, 2019, 12:29:53 pm
@randim
Dear Randi:
Yes indeed, for your followers of your thread have been on pins and needles waiting for your update about your life goings-on is way-too-long....   but you are forgiven and your update is much appreciated.

Hey, that is great news regarding coming out to your children... and wow-whee, they were wonderful and supportive!!

I like how your decided to come-out to your son during a 3 hour car ride... you got his uninterrupted attention, I think that was a good plan on your part.  And then the good news continued with other family members during your dinner with them. :)

I am sorry but not surprised regarding your wife's reaction.... transitioning is difficult for both parties in a marriage but when one of the members of a married couple transitions it can be much more difficult for obvious reasons for the other. 

You don't have to do much reading on other members treads to realize that you are not alone with this difficult part of your journey as a transitioner that is married.   
Do some reading of the various threads, along with disappointments and difficulties, there are wonderful exceptions the display of acceptance, and the marriage continues on, perhaps stronger than ever.

Yes indeed, take a vacation... rest, and take care of your health.
Thank you for sharing and posting.

HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on October 02, 2019, 12:52:48 pm
Hi Randi!

Congratulations on bravely letting this out, and being considerate not to leave anyone close in the dark. I actually sympathize with your wife's feelings, but I much more closely relate with your need to do this to stay healthy and living!

My life also feels like it's falling apart. I think (hope) in a good way.  I thought it already had, but transition keeps accelerating

You mentioned the C word, and my fingers are crossed for you, and everyone else, on that serious subject .

Wondering how the 20x increase in E is feeling. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 02, 2019, 04:25:05 pm
Randi, I have just discovered your thread and your thread and read it all with interest. I must admit that when I started on Susan’s 6 months ago, I generally skipped threads which had been going for some time as I didn’t have the time to back read them. I know you have read some of my threads, and I always felt good when I saw your posts in them, as I feel a connection to you.

My situation is similar, but different. My wife is coming around and is supporting my transition, but she still has a problem with me presenting as a woman in public, so I have never left my house as a woman, and my wife is the only person who has seen me in female clothing. I live in a regional city and the only trans support groups are for young people, so I have no outside outlets.

I am in my 7th month of hrt, and now on strong doses of E. My breasts are becoming noticeable, and I wear a sports bra every day for modesty and protection as I am quite sensitive. I have started laser and electrolysis, and people are commenting on my changing face. I am planning to go on a work function (to welcome me as a woman into our workplace) dressed androgynously, but my wife is against it, saying I should just wear my male uniform. I feel we both need me to do this, I can’t go to this function to officially accept me as female at work dressed in male clothes! And I think she needs to see that I am not ridiculous presenting androgynously. She is not going to the function, but I will get ready at home, so she will see how I look.

So I can sympathise some with your situation with your wife. I have always made my wife a partner in my transition, and made sure her concerns were discussed, and on many occasions her input changed my plans, so she has felt some ownership. I will often go to her with a problem and ask if she can find a solution for me, which forces her to think from my perspective, and quite a few times she has come up with great ideas.

I really hope your wife can evolve as mine seems to be doing, and your health is good. We do not have a choice in transition, it is something we have to do to survive, the challenge is to minimise the pain to our loved ones along the way.

Many hugs and best wishes,

Allie 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 02, 2019, 04:39:27 pm
@Danielle @Maddie

Thanks for the kind words.  I am not sure that "bravely" applies.  I am no profile in courage with this stuff, for sure.  But at least I haven't turned tail and crawled back into the closet.  I doubt that was ever a viable option but it has been a great fear.  Lot harder now!

Re: HRT

I have not felt the difference the way I thought I would, but I think estrogen's effects are rather subtle, at least for me, and I am still on a low dose.  It was just a very low dose before.  It will be interesting to see what my blood work is like at the 3-month follow-on. Some adjustment might be needed if the ratio isn't right.  I also wonder how the hefty amounts of cortisol I've been pumping into my system might impact things.  Work has just been an unrelenting shitstorm the last few months. Probably doesn't help the blood chemistry much.

@Allie
Thanks for your thoughtful response.  I has always admired the devotion you have shown to your family.  I would encourage you to present as female as you feel comfortable with outside the house.  Especially something like a work function welcoming you as a woman.  You might be a person that falls into place with that quickly.  I think you know what you want and are working to get there.

Which brings me to some general, meandering thoughts....

I do so envy the certainty of so many here.  They are fully committed to transitioning, know that's what they want to do and have a vision of where they want to end up.  Not me.  I'm just groping my way along in the dark.  The direction is definitely female but I don't know how far I want or need to go.  Might feel less uncertain if I were younger maybe, or felt I wouldn't be quit soooo hideous.  I dunno.  And the marriage is an enormous concern.   Teh life business.  It does get complicated.  But the alternatives really suck.  :D
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 02, 2019, 04:45:20 pm
@randim
Dear Randi:
I may have missed it in some of your posts, please forgive if I did, but I might suggest couples-therapy certainly with a Gender Therapist, or even a regular Therapist.  If your wife is amenable to going with you to therapy, that might be a positive step in your marriage relationship.

Just my unqualified advice... that is all.

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 02, 2019, 05:05:48 pm
@Danielle
Thanks Danielle,

We've had a couple of joint sessions with my gender therapist.  But it was like pulling teeth to get her to go, and the sessions weren't all that productive.  My therapist thinks she could really use individual therapy to deal with her anger issues, but she isn't a bit interested.  Some of it is age.  She kind of wants to kick back and ease into the sunset, not work on painful, difficult stuff.  I understand.  I don't want to be doing it either! But alas, that pushy woman inside me had other ideas.  Bitch.  :D But I am thinking we will have another joint session maybe next week. Maybe it will go better.  Maybe the kids knowing may spur her to work on it some more.  She has clearly been hoping that I would "snap out of it."  Maybe she's realizing that isn't in the cards.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 02, 2019, 05:33:27 pm
Randi, just last night my wife and I had a discussion about my current fears, as I broke down rather badly a couple of nights ago. I really have no idea how this will turn out for me, I simply can't envisage what I will look like in the end. I still live with the fear my wife will leave me, and I am entering that difficult stage where I couldn't hope to pass as a woman, but I am getting second looks trying to pass as a man as well. I told her that I no longer have anything solid to hang onto, I feel my former identity is gone and now I am a person in transition. I told her she was the only form of anchor in my life.

All I know is that I tried to hold off transition all my life, but my dysphoria made it clear it won't be denied, so this is something I have to do, regardless of the outcomes. In one form or another we are almost all on this inevitable journey. This is the only certainty I know of.

Hugs,

Allie

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 02, 2019, 07:54:14 pm
@Allie

Thanks Allie,

I tend to shoot my mouth off at times.  I didn't mean to trivialize or minimize the uncertainty and doubts that you and others on the forum have.  I apologize for that.  Just musing on my own fears and doubts, and they are legion. It's clear that you are walking a road that is not of your choosing, and I feel badly for the pain you're going through. I hope that your wife will see that you are still the person she has known and loved for years, and embrace that. Big virtual hugs to you. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 02, 2019, 08:46:41 pm
@Allie

Thanks Allie,

I tend to shoot my mouth off at times.  I didn't mean to trivialize or minimize the uncertainty and doubts that you and others on the forum have.  I apologize for that.  Just musing on my own fears and doubts, and they are legion. It's clear that you are walking a road that is not of your choosing, and I feel badly for the pain you're going through. I hope that your wife will see that you are still the person she has known and loved for years, and embrace that. Big virtual hugs to you.

Randi, sorry if my post came over the wrong way, it was meant to show you that despite my being fully committed to transition, I have no idea where it will lead. You and I and so many like us are groping in the dark. You certainly didn't minimise my uncertainty, and I too am envious of anyone who has a vision and clear path in front of them. I know it's hard to take this, such an important journey for each of us, with doubt in our minds, but you are certainly not on your own. Somehow we will get through this!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 16, 2019, 08:40:32 pm
There's nothing wrong with you
The simple life gets complicated
There's nothing you can do
Just enjoy the view, be glade you made it


Strange, strange night.  Kristin has asked that I move into the guest bedroom.  Apparently her knowing I have women's clothes discretely stashed in the same closet was a bridge too far.  It hurts, but there is some devil (some *female* devil) part of me that is singing.  I don't know if this is the start of some new, stable arrangement or an opening farewell.  But I will not lie.  The thought of being able to order my things in drawers the way I want, to take my nightgowns out of a garment bag, to have a bathroom of my own where I can put makeup out, to not have to stuff my shoes in shoeboxes, to keep my purses and wig out in the open, that all sounds sooooo sweet. But it's a heavy price.  We've been married 36 years.  This will certainly represent a change.  Maybe we can transition to housemates ok, but it is certainly a step away from what we've known.  But, but, but.... I can't lie. Part of me wants it too. Goddess help me.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 16, 2019, 09:26:04 pm
Randi, I've been with my partner 35 years, and married 20. A year or so ago, she moved to the guest bedroom, citing a need for a custom mattress to help her sore back. Plus she has the menopausal hot and cold, throwing blankets off, and pulling them back up again. I worried that this may be phase one of the end, and it was nearly a year before I started transition. She's still here. She loves being on her own, though every now and again when she knows I am struggling, she will sneak into my bed for a much needed cuddle.

I had the same thoughts re cupboard and drawer space, but my wife will not move her clothes to her bedroom!! Her room has an empty wardrobe. We seem to have settled into a comfortable life of sharing our house and lives, but simply not our bedroom. It wasn't an issue of her feeling like a lesbian, as I had been sleeping every night wearing a nightgown for the past 20 years, and I hadn't started transition when she moved bedrooms. And we haven't had a sex life for over a decade.

There are lots of practical advantages, she likes to go to bed an hour before I do, she snores, she likes to sleep with her curtains open, and I go to the toilet through the night. I has worked for us!

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 16, 2019, 10:02:17 pm
I don't know Allie.  This is definitely happening because she can't stand the thought of sharing a bedroom and a bed with a trans partner.  I don't blame her but it is definitely a direct result of my gender issues.  That definitely stings a bit, though part of me welcomes it.  Should be an interesting therapy session tomorrow.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on October 21, 2019, 10:07:44 am
Goddess bless you Randi.

Your posts always show insight and neat perspective, even though this must come from pain.

Hope that you can enjoy having your own space.

I am pulling for you hon
*hug*
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 21, 2019, 10:43:41 am
Day 3 of moving into the new digs.  I don't know if this represents the beginning of the end of my marriage or a manageable change in the relationship.  Kristin has been at the coast since Friday, coming back tomorrow, so I've had time to move stuff into my new bedroom, and of course be alone and having free reign to dress as I wish.  I do have to say it was an incredible rush to see my nightgowns come out of the garment bag and just hang there on the rod, and put my makeup in a drawer, and, and, well you get the picture.  Randi stepping out of the shadows.  Of course, whether Kristin can really handle Randi living on that side of the house remains to be seen. She may have the expectation that everything will still remain hidden, just at a distance.  If having panties in a dresser drawer was too much, well, what isn't too much? Guess I'll find out.  And while it feels liberating in a bittersweet sort of way, I also am consumed by waves of fear.  Coming out to the world will be so hard.  If the marriage fails, I will be seriously alone, dealing with solitude and the enormous guilt of damaging Kristin's sunset years.  It seems like every step has gotten so hard, and my journey consists of hacking my way through a jungle with the brush so thick I can only see a few feet ahead.  And at the end of the day, I won't pass, I'll always look like an old man wearing women's clothes.  But I'll be wearing the clothes I want to wear and looking the way I want to look. That's a huge gain, but I fear the cost will be high.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 21, 2019, 10:45:21 am
Goddess bless you Randi.

Your posts always show insight and neat perspective, even though this must come from pain.

Hope that you can enjoy having your own space.

I am pulling for you hon
*hug*

Thanks Maddie.  You're a sweetie.  I appreciate the hug sis.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Faith on October 21, 2019, 10:52:34 am
Randi, I feel for you. My thoughts run along with the 'what if' while you are dealing with the reality. I don't know how I would handle it if my wife wanted to do what you have described.

We have to look at the positives or the negatives will overwhelm
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 21, 2019, 11:15:28 am
@Faith

Thanks Faith.  It seems life just never stops coming at you, does it?  I was at a group meeting Saturday, and a woman who's separating from her wife shared a gallows humor joke:  "You're not trans until you separate."  Not true of course, but it does speak to how many relationships fail to withstand Hurricane Trans.  It is a category 5 storm for sure.  And who knows, maybe this will work.  Maybe we can settle into being housemates.  In the immortal words of Hank Hill, "You just gotta take it one day at a time. Like the drunks do." 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 21, 2019, 02:52:40 pm
Randi, a couple of months ago I was in a similar position. I could see nothing good in my future. My blood tests were showing I wasn’t taking up E as fast as expected and I was way below target levels. My dysphoria was reacting savagely to this, my wife was saying she couldn’t cope with my transition and was planning to leave, I was so fearful that I would lose access to my grandchildren, and I had no idea how I was going to deal with work and my social group. I was seeing my future as me alone living in an small apartment and scared to go outside as I looked neither like a male or a female. It was a dark time for me.

Things started to turn around when I told my children, got their support, and assurance I would always be a part of my grandchildren’s lives. I knew I wouldn’t be alone. The rest of my family also were supportive, so I came out at work, again to support and acceptance. All this support affected my wife, and she started to feel she would be the one all alone. She was saying that everybody would see her as the bad guy if she left me.

We opened our hearts to each other and I realised she was going through worse pain than me. I had accepted my transition as inevitable, but she had options. Every time I got support, she was negative about it and explained that she saw every step forward I took with my transition as a nail in the coffin of the man she loved and planned out live out her life with. I concentrate on showing her that although my exterior is changing, I am still the same soul that she became soul mates with.

We took a week vacation to just enjoy each other, and reconnect, and despite some drama, it seemed to work. She realised that she knew me, she could predict what I thought and would do in situations. She saw that deep familiarity, even though my body is changing. I made a point to tell everyone I was out to that my wife needed support more than I do, and when I came out to my scuba club a few days ago, she was the centre of attention and support. She was still finding negatives with all of this, and I worried I was only making things worse.

My colleagues are giving me a restaurant  luncheon to welcome me as a woman into our workplace next week, and my wife was adamant I should wear my male uniform. I told her that I was expected to present as a female at this function, and that I felt I owed it to my colleagues to show respect for their support. This bought home the inevitability of my situation, and caused a shift in her. She agreed I could wear something androgynous, and we actually settled on a very conservative female outfit. Since then she has seen me in a new light. She recently told me I didn’t look ridiculous as a female, and worried that after mu public debut next week, there would be no stopping me.

Her greatest fear was her friends finding out about me, so a couple of days ago she blew me away when she told me she rang a couple she is close to and told them of our situation. They are a bit redneck, country people and harley riders, so I thought she jumped in the deep end! They were both accepting and supportive and wanted to come visit to met the new me. This has taken away much of the fear my wife has of friends and neighbours finding out, and she mentioned which neighbour she might talk to first.

Sorry for my long story, but I wanted to show how in a couple of months, I have come from a very dark place to a place filled with light and hope. Support of others seemed to be the catalyst, and finding my wife’s basic issues and dealing with them seems to lessen her fear and suffering. I know everyones situation is different, but maybe there are some basics in my story which can help. At least I am hoping you might see that a dark situation can change!

Hugs to both you and your wife for your struggles, I so hope it gets better for you!

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 21, 2019, 03:39:23 pm
@Allie

Thanks for the kind words.  And I am so happy for you that things are going well in life and transition.  It would probably help if I could be more definitive to my wife about what I want and need, but I don't really know so I can't tell her.  I absolutely need to transition, but what does transition mean for me?  I can't go back to living the way I was, but the path ahead is murky and unclear.  I want to live and present a lot more feminine, but I don't know if all the end of the spectrum is were I want to end up.  It would certainly be simpler if I could tell my wife, "Yes, I want to be a woman and I need to transition."  She wouldn't like that, but she would understand it better.  We had a joint therapy session week and multiple times she said something to the effect of "My husband wants to wear a dress."  But, I haven't worn a dress in decades.  I may be perfectly happy with affecting a somewhat femme lesbian look.  But maybe that's a distinction without a difference.  I am quite sure I want to zap my beard, get rid of as much body hair as feasible, style my eyebrows, wear makeup, carry a purse, etc., etc. But, by the same token, I feel no great curiosity about experimenting with nails and I think I'd be pretty happy with a short hairstyle. I guess I'm just a old, wishy-washy gender mess.  But I'm sure Kristin is going to hate anything that strays much off the cis path.  Although, oddly enough, she doesn't have a problem with my doing beard removal.  Guess she thinks I won't look too different.  Hope she's wrong about that! I am meeting a recommended laser/electrolysis person tomorrow for a consultation, and I think that will get going soon. Things do keep changing.  Thanks again for the support.  I appreciate it very much.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on October 22, 2019, 11:48:44 am
Interested to hear what they tell you at the consult, esp since it sounds like they do both lazer & electro..
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 22, 2019, 12:02:10 pm
@Maddie

I am guessing they will tell me that it will take at least a half-dozen laser sessions to zap the dark beard hairs I have, but that I will need a ton of electrolysis because I have a lot of gray/white hairs.  I am hoping I can do electro once a week between monthly laser.  But, I don't know what she'll say.  I really want to talk about my severe reaction/horrible experience with Electrolysis by Myrtle. That has left some discoloration and scarring some six months later, or however long it's been.  I..do..not..want..a..repeat..of..that. Also hoping it won't be grossly expensive.  The going rate for electrolyis is $85 an hour here.  No idea what laser sessions will cost.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on October 23, 2019, 10:28:15 am
$85 sounds a little steep, but I'm not expert, and you live in a different area..  My electro's rate drops to $60/hr for one hour and longer sessions.

Sounds like we are in similar boat, having lots of grey and white hair, surrounding those laser-friendly dark ones!
When I did a year of laser, it was with a different office, and I had to stop all electro for that year of monthly laser treatments.  The price was higher per session than electro, and the sessions were shorter.  I also avoided the sun completely that year, and was never without a wide brim hat and titanium dioxide/zinc oxide sunscreen (CeraVe spf45).  I had no skin discoloration.  In the end, there was a welcome reduction in the more- noticeable dark whiskers, though not eliminated.

Girl, it is a long road...But I'm now noticing wider gaps between the hairs on my lips.  Its getting sparser!  My current avatar is with a couple days growth for the electro, and no makeup covering.
Keep on keeping on Randi. I believe your efforts will yield positive changes in how you see yourself :)
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on October 27, 2019, 04:23:08 pm
Not much in the way of news.  Just babbling a bit.  Kristin and I continue to adjust to the changes in living arrangements.  It's been a pretty decent weekend between us, but I did not push the envelope as much as I should in terms of dressing.  Just some underdressed jeans and a top and no jewelry or makeup.  But still, everything off the women's rack and getting out handling business in the big, bad world so that feels good.  Still hesitant to start taking the additional steps I need to take, but I am inching my way forward I think.  I did enjoy doing the laundry today and just washing my stuff like it's normal....cuz it is now. Kristin confided in another of her friends, and I saw her this weekend at a fund-raiser for Parkinson's research.  It was a bit awkward at first and we didn't talk about it, but we ended up having our usual social interaction.  That feels reassuring for some reason.

I keep having doubts and thinking "oh, I can just drop therapy and back off of all this" but then I realize ..... I just can't.  For good or ill, I'm on the road to somewhere.  No idea where, but Randi is who I am and I have to figure out what my place in the world is going to be for the final chapters of my life, and what sort of changes that will entail. Been listening a lot to an old Bonnie Raitt song that really spoke to me for some reason.

I will not be

Someone other than who I am
I will fight to make my stand
Cause what is livin' if I can't live free
What is freedom if I can't be me

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 01, 2019, 09:09:43 pm
Very, very bad night. I am having dinner tomorrow night with an old friend who I haven’t seen in years. At one time we were very close. I am thinking hard of coming out to him. So I’m discussing my plans with Kristin. She says “you’re not going to drop any bombshells on him are you?” So I say I am thinking of coming out to him, and things just go to <not allowed>. It is so, so clear that she considers me an embarrassment and that the only viable arrangement for her is for me to keep it as secret as possible and stay as closeted as possible.  As deep in the closet as can be managed after having come out to my children. She again promised to leave if I transition. In arguing why I should not come out, she said my my friend  would not want to learn such an intimate thing after a long absence. Intimate, with its connotations of private, troubles me very much.  I’ve lived in the closet a long time. I’ve heard the muffled voices of those outside living their lives. I don’t want to live there anymore.  I can’t do it for her, and I’m afraid nothing else will do. We’re in separate bedrooms now. I’m wondering if separate residences can be far behind.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 02, 2019, 12:18:26 am
Randi, I am so sorry you are in this place. It cuts me deeply as I was there just three months ago when my wife told me outright she was ashamed of me. I broke down badly as I had done everything in my life to make her proud of me and I reminded her of that. She went on to tell me she would not be ashamed of me if I was badly disfigured or severely mentally incapacitated, but being trans was way worse than those to her.

I reminded her that I had put this off until my life was on the line for her, and she eventually apologised. I also went over our respective financial positions if we split up, and told her we would have to sell our house that she so loves. I reminded her of how compatible we are and how she would struggle to find someone who could put up with her quirks like I do. She went quiet for 3 weeks and then told me I should start coming out to my family so they could have time to adjust.

I know it's hard for her, she is suffering through the cruelly slow death of her husband, so I am trying to show her that, despite looking different, I still have the same qualities that she loves, and also point out my rage that terrified her has gone. She is slowly realising that everybody supports me, she would be in a far poorer position, and likely be alone, and she mentioned that if she leaves me she will be the bad guy because everybody believes I should be supported. She is coming around, and was there to support me when I came out to my scuba club, she recently asked me to start telling the neighbours so she didn't have to explain why her husband has boobs.

She is realising she is much better off if we stay together. We have gone on some trips recently, and we have thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and each others company. She is up and down though, one day planning overseas trips for us in coming years, then the next telling me to put those plans on hold as she may not be with me. But through this all she is growing, and accepting more an more. She strongly opposed me going for a trip to another city presenting as a female and two weeks later helped me select my dress, then gave me lovely compliments as I walk out my front door.

I believe we have to illustrate the advantages and disadvantages to our wives so they can assess what is important to them, then give them something to look forward to. My next plan is to have a girls afternoon tea at our house for some of the women who support me and make sure my wife is there and we all have a great time. This way she might start to realise it can be fun to be with me as a woman.

So I have come a fair way since I was in your position Randi, but not without a lot of planning and execution. And it seems to be working! I hope you can find a way to start to grow your wife with you so she can see some good things may be ahead. I do feel for you, those conversations like you just had cut deeply, but try not to react to it. She will feel badly when she realises what she has done.

Heaps of Hugs for both of you in this difficult time.

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 15, 2019, 11:59:59 am
Time for another soliloquy?  I suppose so.  It's been a while, and it's an alternative to journaling (need to be a better job with that).  Soo... What am I to make of my budding itty bitty tittys?  Not much to them, but... irreversible. And the extra fat accumulating in my butt?  I am filling out my panties in a different way than I used to.  It does make the locker room a little funny, but oh well.  Life has its complications.  The changes, minor though they are, do frighten me.  I just keep going further and further down the road and I just can't seem to stop, though I am moving glacially slow.  Like a hatched turtle heading for the sea. Dangerous journey.

Kristin, noting the irreversible nature of some of this, asks " Do you want to change into a woman?"  And what is in her voice?  Anger (there so often is), fear, despair?  Probably all of the above.  And me, so wishy-washy, timidly answers "Well, I can't change into a (thinking to myself, "natal") woman, but I want to become more feminine and I like the way I feel on the hormones." Why can't I rip the bandaid off and scream "YES!"

Why?  Because I'm pretty sure that answer kicks off a really hard/nasty conversation that ends with one of us leaving the room and me doing my best to cry?  (In part, for sure.) Because I struggle so much epistemologically with the meaning of the word?

[note]
In the unlikely event anyone else *is* reading this, the following is intended only for ME to help me figure out why I struggle so much to identify as "woman."  I do NOT claim to speak with authority or for anyone else, and do not in the slightest impugn or question *any* woman's identity, and I apologize in advance if anyone is offended. 
[/note]
 
It's just so hard for me to shake the biological aspect of those five letters. I don't have the parts. I so, so wish to the bottom of my soul I had been born with them but I wasn't.  But if I walk like a duck, swim like a duck, quack like a duck, isn't that close enough, even if I am not, in the strictest accounting, a duck? And the answer surely is... yes, it's close enough for almost all things. Not too many people are doing strict gender accounting. Man/woman doesn't account for the vast grey zone of the mind and the way we feel.  It is true that I will never give birth, but then most women walking down the street are not pregnant.  Biology doesn't determine whether you wear makeup or like cute shoes.  But it is so hard to shake the socialization.  I can claim transwoman, but woman is hard.  No matter how much I might be loved and accepted by natal women, I feel I will always be a half-sister, never fully a member of the club.  Sucks. 

Ummmm.  Off in the weeds a bit.  What else?  Strange sleeping arrangements.  Kristin said she was lonely, so I've put on my jammies and slept in her bed the last couple of nights even though I maintain separate quarters in the guest room. It does make taking care of our aging, increasingly incontinent dog much simpler and easier.

Speaking of turtles, off to the first laser appointment this afternoon.  The multi-year war of the beard begins in earnest. Damn, I wish it were cheaper and quicker.  Three-month follow-up with the endocrinologist looms.  That could be interesting.  My GI tract has not been right since starting hormones.  I don't know if that is just a coincidence but I would like to talk to him about it.  And do I ask to move up from my 1mg dose of Estradiol?  I would like to (and I guess that says something QUITE significant), but I don't know that I should accelerate my moobage action.  I need to adjust to the growing chest.  Guess a lot will depend on the blood work.

Discovered that my doctor does not accept medicare, which will soon be my primary insurance. I really, really, hate that.  It is a wonderful LGBT-friendly practice, but paying out of pocket is a luxury I don't think I can afford. Big bummer.

Ah me.  No bed of roses, this trans stuff. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Sarah-Red on November 15, 2019, 12:08:05 pm
Thanks for sharing how things are going. I don't have time to comment on much, but I do hope some of the things will get better. I'm looking for solutions for some things too. Remember the good in the journey, and do your best :)
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Joy1809 on November 15, 2019, 01:36:03 pm
Sounds like an awful situation.  It really does seem like her embarrassment is her overwhelming feeling.  Is there someone she is close to who she could talk to?  She might find people are not as judgemental as she thinks.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 15, 2019, 03:11:01 pm
Randi, I struggled with the thought of never being a cis woman all my life, and it was a big factor in why I never transitioned. The only reason I am transitioning now is to reduce dysphoria, but I worry that as I can never achieve my idea of being a woman, will I ever be free of dysphoria?

I know I must transition, and recently came to terms with accepting myself as a trans woman. I will never see myself as a woman, but I’ve found that I can get by undetected in a crowd, so that will do for now. Accepting myself as a trans woman has let me open up to the world a bit. I no longer fear being clocked. if I get challenged, I would say I’m trans and have every right to be, though it hasn’t happened yet, and I may fall apart afterwards!

My wife sleeps in a single bed, so I can’t join her, but we have had some long and emotional discussions this month after which she came to my bed as we both needed cuddles. I don’t think our discussions solved anything, though she is reading books about other couples trans struggles, and has agreed to come to therapy with me next Tuesday. Im beginning to believe we will never find our happy ground, but that we will stay together because neither of us wants to leave. It is not the solution I want as her happiness is important to me, but it may be the only way forward. Because I can’t see a solution, I’ve resigned myself to doing what I can to make her happy while serving my master, dysphoria.

One thing I have learned from this process is that things, both good and bad, seem to happen out of the blue. I can agonise over a solution, and something unexpected will pop up and change everything. So my management strategy is evolving to hope.

Keep hanging in there Randi!

Hugs,

Allie 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 15, 2019, 04:50:23 pm
@Sarah-Red
Thanks for the encouragement.  I've read some of your postings and you seem a Dear.  May the wind be at your back.

@Joy
Fear of embarrassment is certainly a big part of it.  But not everything of course.  My wife is cis and straight as an arrow; progressive in many ways but old-fashioned in many.  Our relationship morphing into a queer relationship of some sort is not what she signed up for.  I do appreciate how difficult is her position.  She has confided to several of her closest friends.  I have no idea what they have advised her.  Time will tell I guess.

@Allie
Thank you Allie.  You are very kind, and it sounds like you are making great progress, although I understand you agonize over your wife.  You are right that crystal balls are very hard to come by.  Somewhere in the world a butterfly is flapping its wings.  Who can say what will come of it?  I have always yammered ceaselessly to my therapist about a middle way and androgyny, but the gravitational force of the pink sun is so, so, so powerful (as you well appreciate).

I have survived my first laser treatment.  Wonderful, supportive, friendly operator.  She came highly recommended and I can see why. It was painful but tolerable.  She said I was very tough.  Told her I was very motivated.  Shame there are so many white hairs.  It is going to be hard, long road just to become a little old lady, or a giant old translady as the case may be.  But maybe I can grab 10 or more good years before how I'm pooping becomes more important than gender.

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on November 17, 2019, 09:55:29 am
Not a good morning.  I guess the band-aid has finally been ripped off and Kristin didn't like what she saw.  Literally.  Last night she saw me fully dressed, including my wig, and just...couldn't.....take...it.  I had a support group meeting last night.  She has seen me leave for that dressed in the past carrying my wig, which I would put on in the car.  Last night I put it on in the house and she saw me leave wearing it (along with jeans and a sweater). As I later learned, the riding boots didn't help either.  At any event, she was starting to cry as I left. She told me she cried for hours during our oh-so-adult, oh-so-painful conversation this morning.  She isn't sure what to do but she "can't take it."  We are talking separation/divorce. 

In hindsight, I should have warned her that the hideous freak was going to make an appearance.  I told her that (sans freak language) today and she agreed, but said that wouldn't have made any difference.  It wouldn't have made any difference.  She just thought I looked like....a freak, and she wants no part of it or me that way. Ever.

We may be at an impasse.  She will never be part of a fully socially transitioned me (not that I have a clue as to whether I need or want to go that far) but I'm wondering if there is much room for compromise. She was fine with yesterday with me wearing a gray sweatshirt and mom jeans and wearing fairly unisex shoes, but that is so, so underdressed it's almost underground.  Which is where she wants it, apparently.  In the closet or as close to it as can be managed. 

Why, oh why, do I have to hurt the people I love just to breathe, just to exist?

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Sarah-Red on November 17, 2019, 10:13:58 am
Oh wow that sucks, I'm so sorry it's hard like that. It sounds like she may either be having a really hard time, or that she wont be able to stick around if you'd want to live more out. I don't know if counseling can help, but it could be worth trying especially if you want to try to salvage.

I didn't have a spouse so I'm not the best to give advice around this, I just hope it gets better for you. You're not the one hurting her, it's her conditioning and desires. It's really unfortunate, but others have had tough times in relationships like that. Take care of yourself and find what's important to you, and just do your best.

*hug*
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on December 10, 2019, 07:22:50 am
Hi Randi.
Please hang on and don't give in.
Just trying to exist too.
Sometimes I want to hurt them on purpose, so they can see the difference.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on December 10, 2019, 08:27:42 am
Thanks Maddie,

I am hanging in, though the way forward is as murky as ever.  This life.  It can be both so beautiful and so ugly. What a strange species we are.  Thanks for the encouragement. Big hugs to you Hon.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Pammie on December 10, 2019, 12:27:50 pm
Thanks Maddie,

I am hanging in, though the way forward is as murky as ever.  This life.  It can be both so beautiful and so ugly. What a strange species we are.  Thanks for the encouragement. Big hugs to you Hon.
I so feel for you. Just like for Emma you are doing nothing wrong and I so hope ur wife can understand that eventually.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 11, 2019, 12:48:09 pm
@randim
My Dear Randi:
After reading your November 17 posting here on your thread please know that my heart is breaking for you as you navigate through your trials and tribulations.   

As you are aware, there are many members here that can identify with what you are going though in your transition journey and especially regarding your relationship and acceptance with your wife...
... plus, I am thinking that your meetings with your support group will hopefully help you.

I am aware from your previous posts just a little over a year ago back in 2018 when you started your thread that you said that have been to a therapist ....  but has your wife been to any counseling with therapists???...
...either separately and perhaps couples therapy together? ??? 
I know of couples that found that very helpful for their relationship.

I very much wish that I could speak to you with magic words that would calm the rough waters that you are going through. 

It is important that you know that here on the forums, that your readers and followers are your biggest fans. 
We are here to rejoice when you report good NEWS... and when your report not-so-good NEWS we are here to lend you our ears and our shoulders. 
We are always rooting for your success.

Please continue keeping me and the rest of your avid followers up to date, again we are all rooting for your success and happiness.

HUGS, and best wishes as always... 
Danielle
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on December 11, 2019, 03:03:21 pm
@Danielle
Hi Danielle,

Thank you so much for your sweet post.  You have a heart as big as your state. I don't know how much help therapy will be for my marital problems.  Kristin has had individual sessions with my therapist and we have had several couples sessions with her.  I have offered to go couples therapy with a neutral therapist.  I have offered to pay for initial sessions for individual therapy for her with a therapist of her choice just to see if it would be helpful or a good fit.  But she's not interested and the sessions we've had have not been very productive. 

Part of it is age.  She's retired and just wants to relax and enjoy her sunset years.  She doesn't want our relationship to change.  She doesn't want to have to undergo the massive social changes that me living openly as a trans woman would entail.  I totally get that.  That's just a tough, tough problem. 

But *I* am struggling to move past the transphobia she has displayed and some of the cruel things she has said to me. I realize she carries the prejudices of our generation, and that she was angry, but I don't know that what she said wasn't an honest expression of her feelings -- howbeit brutally honest.  And not the first time. I was talking to my therapist about it and posed the question "How many times does someone have to tell you something before you believe them?"  How many times do you have to be called a freak, or told that you prance in a tutu, or be called Little Lord Fauntleroy before you realize you're not being seen as fully human, that you're less, that you're a thing?

I just don't know Danielle.  My heart is telling me things that are quite difficult, but can't be ignored. I don't want to blow up the holidays, but at some point next year we have to have some hard discussions. 

 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 11, 2019, 03:58:38 pm
Randi, as always I feel for you, and I know your pain. As an educator, I know that attitudes can easily be changed, but core beliefs are often associated with a developmental milestone, or an internal unhappiness which must be identified, addressed, and changed, before the core belief will change. It’s not impossible, but rarely successful.

I’ve had the dehumanising experience where she repeatedly told me, over 20 years, if anyone saw me her embarrassment would be so great she would disown me and leave me immediately.  I’ve sat in our therapists office and cringed as she simply refused to answer any of our therapists questions, or talk to her at all.

Yet we have progressed. Lots of people have now seen me, and all of them were complimentary and supportive. This made my wife realise she was the only one with a problem. I talked to her about our therapist experience and told her that her behaviour showed she had a deep problem. She has recognised now that her issue with my transition is something abnormal within her, but she is unable to even self analyse to find out what it is. She will never refer to me with female pronouns, or maybe even my name, but now she knows that this is because of something wrong with her. I have offered her any support she needs to try to identify and resolve this, but she simply doesn’t want to go there. I suspect she is hiding a horrific experience or self identity issue she simply can’t confront.

But now she doesn’t draw all the curtains when I am around, she allows me to answer the front door, and even collect the mail and bins. We are having visitors come and stay with us for hours, completely comfortable with me as Allie, and hopefully, this is helping my wife become more comfortable. Her only need was that she needed to publicly divorce me, so that we would no longer be seen as married. We are going through that process, and it seems to have changed her ability to cope.

I know I’ll never get to the source of her core issues, but we have found a work around which looks like it will work for both of us. I’m guessing Kristin is in a similar bind, and it will be impossible to find her core issue, but maybe you can chip away at her external issues and get her to realise she has the problem, not you. Maybe a solution like ours might work for you. People are so complicated it’s impossible to say what worked for us will work for you, but, at this stage, what have you got to lose?

Hugs for both of you!

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on December 11, 2019, 05:20:42 pm
Thanks for the hugs Allie.  And I am so happy for you that you are successfully redefining your relationship.  That is a tricky thing to do. I don't know if I will be able to pull that off or not. Time will tell.  I do have to say you are impressively forgiving and selfless.  You surely deserve every bit of happiness you find.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 11, 2019, 06:06:46 pm
I do have to say you are impressively forgiving and selfless. 

Thank you for that comment Randi! My therapist keeps on at me for only thinking of others, but it is part of my basic character. I also believe that as I can't change who I am, others are in the same situation, and it's not their fault they are angry, or intolerant, it is something inside them causing this behaviour. So the more they are nasty to me, the more I see they need help. As you say, time will tell for all of us!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on December 12, 2019, 06:39:02 pm
So the more they are nasty to me, the more I see they need help.

They need help. Definitely.

Please take care of yourself Randi (Allie too!)
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 12, 2019, 07:39:16 pm
They need help. Definitely.

Please take care of yourself Randi (Allie too!)

Thank you Maddie!

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on January 06, 2020, 08:46:20 am
Wow.  Been almost a month?  Guess so.  It is amazing how the holidays gobble time.  So, gentle reader, you may ask "What's the old been up to?" 

First, the bad news. Christmas has been dominated by the death of my beloved 14-yo dachshund (well, *almost* 14  :( ). She had cancer and had blown through the original prognosis over a year ago, but she just plunged the week before Christmas and we ended up putting her to sleep on Christmas eve.  She was the second dog I've had to die in my arms.  Just horrible, horrible experiences.  There is a transition-related aspect.  I've been on HRT about 4 months, and I think I was much more emotional about this than previous deaths.  I cried a lot and was described later as "pitiful" and "wretched."  I have hoped that estrogen would soften up the emotional tree root inside me.  Careful what you wish for!

Which brings me around to considering HRT's impacts in a more general sense.  The phrases "emotional intelligence" and "social intelligence" pop into my head from time to time.  I do think I am becoming more appreciative of the complexity of our internal worlds and how we interact with one another.  This may indeed be a gendered thing with a biological basis. It also make me realize my emotional IQ has been way low most of my life.  It will be interesting to see if it picks up.

Regarding transition, I have long labored to thread a needle and find some andro middle ground that wouldn't carry the high cost of a fully binary social transition.  I am becoming less optimistic, which increases the scary aspect of what is going on.  Which brings me to the other words that have been in my head the past few days:

I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it (apologies to Star Wars fans).

I am really afraid that I'm starting to shut down on my marriage and getting ready to throw in the towel.  It just seems so hopeless so much of the time.  And then I think, "How can I do that to her?"  I sometimes think I am in a Schrödinger's relationship -- alive and dead at the same time. But I do know I don't feel comfortable dressing or presenting the way I want to, or pursuing some of the friendships I would like to (and badly need to).  I need so much experimentation, and she just doesn't want any of it. I just don't know that this center can hold much longer.  And if it fails, that would fill me with guilt and sadness.  Though for a long time it's been a marriage of convenience, our lives have become thoroughly entangled, and there are tender feelings, and she relies heavily on me for so many things. And of course, no bed of roses for me.  It would entail loneliness the size of a mountain.

But... I am the <not allowed> freak that I am, and it might be where the road is leading. Like the aphorism sez:  "If your path demands that you walk through Hell, walk as if you own the place." 


Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 06, 2020, 12:32:33 pm
Randi, firstly, condolences on the loss of your fur baby. They are companions who never judge and always accept you, so become so much a part of your life. Don’t feel bad about crying, I wept reading about your loss, especially on Xmas eve. I lost a dog on Xmas eve and had to console my children then bury our pointer in the back yard. It ruined Xmas for all of us. We also have a Kelpie named Molly, an she is in her 16th year and showing signs of old age. I had my family with me over the Xmas period and we were discussing the cost of pet medications, when my wife said she has stopped buying 6 month supplies of medication for Molly and is going month by month. I broke down badly at this, and had to rush off to compose myself. Remember the joy you fur baby gave you and the unconditional acceptance.

We know dysphoria never leaves you until you complete it’s journey. It is a medical condition which can be life threatening, and if your wife knows that and still can’t accept what you must go through, and is willing to risk your life, then it doesn’t look good. Make sure she understands why you are trans, then you can both come to a decision on where you need to go from there. It is not your fault you are trans, and therefore you shouldn’t carry guilt for what that leads to. You simply don’t have a choice.

I know what that fear of being alone is like, but our divorce seems to have fixed that for now. We still have challenges ahead, but I should know where we are at by mid year. I so wish you could find a solution lie we were able to, but life isn’t always like that, so all I can do is pledge my support for you. It looked really bad for us until she accepted our solution, and things changed overnight so you never now.

Oh, just before that Xmas our pointer died 20 years ago, I told my best friend I was trans as she started talking commitment between us. She walked away and wouldn’t answer my calls. We reconnected just before Xmas on a tentative basis. My dog died, then 3 days later my mother died. I didn’t think things could get lower but as I was at the funeral director arranging Mum’s funeral, I got a call from the car owner that killed my dog demanding I pay for the damage. I got through the next couple of weeks in a fog, then my home insurance agreed to cover the damage to the car, and my best friend said she realised she loved my female side as much as my male side and asked me to marry her. We married just 8 weeks after I buried my mother, and I could not believe how life could turn around so quickly. Life can be so crazy.

So many hugs and tears for you Randi,

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on January 06, 2020, 05:12:29 pm
Thanks Allie.

I don't feel badly about being emotional over my dog.  I welcome it actually.  I wish I had been able to show emotion that easily when my parents died.  It has been my hope that dealing with my gender issues may put some distance from toxic masculinity and give my life some balance.  We shall see.  And the dog was worth crying over.  There could not be a sweeter, better pup. I'm going to miss her a lot, for a long time.

And thanks so much for your kindness and support on the marital front.  It's really difficult for so many reasons.  There are certainly things I need to do that I haven't done, and words I need to say that are still unspoken.  It's just hard to say them when you don't think they will be received with tenderness and respect.  Just tired of being called a <not allowed> and a freak.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: KimOct on January 06, 2020, 06:44:23 pm
Randi - I am  SO SORRY I have not participated on your thread.  I get caught up on other threads and in addition to participating here I also am on a smaller invitation site that also keeps me busy.  Just not enough time.

I spent the last 30 minutes skipping through this primarily reading your posts.

I am sad.  I hurt for you.  I am probably going to say somethings I shouldn't and break some of my own rules but I don't care I need to say these things.

In post after post I read about hurtful things that your wife says to you.  And then I read you saying basically the same about yourself.  I know yours are meant to be partially tongue in cheek but that stuff is hurtful to ourselves - I know of which I speak because I have a tendency to do it to myself.

Randi - love is about caring for another person - protecting them - putting their happiness ahead of your own.

Your wife calling you Pops - saying you will make an ugly woman etc etc etc etc etc.......

I will never meet her but I am so angry with her.  That is just flat out hurtful.  Sometimes when couples fight once in awhile cruel words are exchanged but as a regular occurrence?  Not good.

You mention your age.  You are 7 years older than me.  We are closer to the end than the beginning. 
THE TIME IS NOW.  When your life is over that's it..... it's over.

Live this now while you can.

It's time to pull the trigger.

As for your own fear - I know you have read some of my posts.  Hello....... I know you were listening but I doubt you were believing.

What we fear is that people will think of us the same thing that we have been taught.  That we are weird or to quote you in this thread 'freaks'.

Randi you have to beat that.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I am positive.  Most people like me a lot.  I am included in most conversations and get invited to go out with cis-people often.

I know there are some beautiful trans-women here.  I am NOT one of them.  Yeah my avatar looks pretty good but I have posted enough pics here that it is obvious I do not pass.

Beating the fear is not about how you look.  It is about being OK with yourself.

Randi - consider yourself adopted.  I have plenty of extra time.  ;D  OK not really but YOU deserve it.

And you deserve to be kind to YOURSELF.

And you deserve to be happy.  Do it now before it's too late.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on January 07, 2020, 09:04:59 am
Thanks Kim,

Feel free to drop by the thread anytime, but I do realize the internet is kind of a big place.  And then there's that physical world too!

You are quite caring for your trans sisters.  I appreciate your thoughts and concerns a great deal.  I kind of feel I have committed to some level of transition, though it's not clear to me just what transition means in my case and how binary it will be. But I'm not going off hormones and I am increasingly feeling done with the cis facade. But what replaces it? I seem fairly comfortable with some level of non-binary, though as I've said before it's not clear to me how much of that is the authentic me and how much is an effort to cobble a compromise together.  It's hard to say.  Obviously a great deal revolves around the marriage, which, as you've probably noticed, is deteriorating.  It's painful to contemplate, but Randi may get to experience life as a single old trans gal before too long. Just not sure what that means.  I can't see myself as one of the senior ladies leaving church with white hair and pearls, but I have lived, even in the past year, in such a constricted environment I don't really know what is authentic.  I badly need to experiment with a bunch of looks, including pretty binary ones, to find what works with my body and face and voice and personality.  And I'm just not in a safe, supportive environment to do that, sadly.  The last support group meeting I was at I voiced sentiments that echo yours about the nature of love, and being accepted fully by a partner, and one of the women there that's divorcing just said "Oh, honey."  It's just hard.  Though I'm sure Kristin at some level feels her actions are in my best interests, because hey, how could anyone want to live trans when you could live cis?  Bless her phobic heart, she just don't get it. Have I done enough to help her see?  Maybe not, and that haunts me.  But damn, it's hard to pet a porcupine. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: KimOct on January 07, 2020, 04:51:29 pm
Randi - I don't care how you look or how you present.  Whether as you put it a white hair lady in pearls or NB or whatever.  You just need to present as you.  And trust me - when you are cutting edge - different - cool - it definitely cuts down on the age you are perceived. 

Everyone I work with thinks I am 10 years younger than I am.  Part of not following the crowd is that many people think you are cool.

So don't worry about how you are going to present yourself.  Simply present yourself as YOU. 

We make this so much harder than it has to be.  Including me.  I did.  That is why I preach the stuff that I do.  I have been there.  Stop stifling yourself - there is a whole world out there happy to try and do it for you.

LIVE IT NOW !!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: davina61 on January 08, 2020, 05:56:37 am
I got kicked out after coming out to my ex but we were on a downhill existence anyway, she is a "well they still look like men" person. Think I have surprised her!! and she had to admit after a few months that I looked a lot happier (didn't like to say its because your not toxic ting me ) , I suppose what I am trying to say is as Kim say you just need to be YOU what ever that is ,express your self , go with the flow whatever just be happy. BTW at 64 (soon be 65) I get told I look late 40s so don't worry about your "on paper" age .
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: KimOct on January 08, 2020, 09:14:45 pm
YES !!   This life is so much better than people that are pre-transition think it is.  Is it perfect - no. 

I just had a player ( I am a poker dealer ) today that actually said that the reason I gave the other player the winning hand on the last card was because of my  'painted nails'.  What?  Yep his exact words were 'the damn dealer with his painted nails put up the flush on the river'.  I stopped and looked at him - staring dead into his eyes and said one more comment like that and I am calling the floor manager.

He said some other stuff so I reported him and he got pulled aside - warned - and sheepishly apologized.

Why did I tell that story?  Well a little bit to vent but also to say - yeah this isn't perfect but I would not go back for anything.  You would think that today would make me think- why did I do this?

Because I am living as me and it feels good.  Even when it is not.

Should everyone transition? Nope.  But in my opinion anyone that continues to struggle with this probably should.

If someone's dysphoria is strong enough that it hinders happiness and it is frequently on their mind and it causes distress - then yes that person should probably transition.

But everyone thinks it will be so much worse than it is in reality.  Yeah the first few months were pretty tough.

3 or 4 years ago today would have upset me for weeks.  Today I was pissed for about an hour.  It gets easier and it has made me happier.  I think it will make many readers here happier too if they can find the courage.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on January 09, 2020, 08:29:14 am
  I think it will make many readers here happier too if they can find the courage.

There's the rub.  I'm pretty sure I have the courage to live as a single trans woman.  Frankly, the big, bad world can kiss my queer ass. But do I have the courage to end my marriage and come out to the people that I've know socially over the years?  That's hard.  Really hard.  I'm working on it.  Feeling some difficult words forming inside me that I need to say to my wife, but they're not there yet. Even if the marriage has been <not allowed> and transactional for a long time, still, it's the bulk of my adult life, and we will always be bound together by our children, and I have this ethical thing about responsibility and marriage vows.  Not a trans thing of course.  So, so many people divorce and go through this, but it is famously hard and painful. But yea, absent the marriage, it would probably take me about 30 seconds to start setting up shop as Randi.  Whoever she is.  Open question, but it's one I have to answer before I die.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 09, 2020, 02:05:56 pm
Randi, your situation and mine are different as my wife knew before we married, and I was me at home for the past 20 years, but for her, transition was always a bridge too far, so from the moment I had to start HRT, our marriage was doomed. Having said that, since we took the decision to divorce, I have felt sad at not being able to live up to the commitment I solemnly made 20 years ago. There was a practical side to her decision, in that we went over our financial positions should we seperate, and she realised she would have to move into significantly lesser accomodations, and find another husband to retire at anywhere near the same comfort level. She also knew deep down she would likely come back to me as a best friend anyway, so staying together now saves us a lot of anguish and money from not having to divide assets.

Maybe it’s time to sit down with your wife and lay things out. Tell her your health requires that you must transition, and look at where you will both stand if you split up. Make the point that if she doesn’t regard your health, there is no future for you, so this is your only option. maybe if she sees the reality of the situation she might change, maybe not, but at least you will both know where you are. I know what you have invested in your relationship, but you also have to regard your future.

I know I was upset through November and December, making our decision and filing for divorce, and I have been sad since, but we have a way forward that works for both of us. I wish you luck in finding your way forward.

Hugs,

Allie
       
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on January 09, 2020, 09:46:20 pm
Allie,

I think you've more than lived up to your commitment to your partner.  She is very lucky to have you.

Kristin and I have had speculative, tentative talks about separation, including a little bit about finances.  She recognizes the advantages of staying together.  But I have to get the courage (yes, that word again!) to start doing the extensive experimentation I need to do to figure out what works for me gender-wise.  Could she really accept me going out into the world in broad daylight as something more than androgynous?  And really accept, as opposed to tolerate?  She wants the marriage to work on some level, but enough to really rethink some deeply held ideals and come around to a trans/queer/gender-non-conforming (pick your term) partner?  Haven't seen much hope of that to date, but I guess we'll see going forward.  I know I have to start moving forward.  If I can figure out what forward is.  ;)

Big hugs back at ya Alliel. I'm sorry you feel blue about the changes you're going through, but it looks like you have found a way that works.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: KimOct on January 10, 2020, 07:19:07 pm
Randi - Your commitment to your marriage is understandable.  As I have said on this site before I was married 18 years and during the last 10 years of it she slept on the 3rd floor and I slept in the basement.  I stayed for those years due to having 3 children of which 2 are severely Autistic.  So I get it.

I am assuming your children are grown based on your age.  So what remains is your marriage.  I do not take this lightly because as you stated this has been for your adult life.

However based on everything you have said I believe that the chances of your wife shifting her feelings and opinions regarding your gender expression are exceedingly small.  Her views appear to be very baked in.

As for finances..... I can speak from my personal choices that for me living as who I am is more important than money.
I have made that choice and it is the right one for me.

Randi it is your life and your choice.  I think you know what is best for you.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on January 13, 2020, 02:40:18 pm
Sorry for the loss of your dog Randi
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on January 13, 2020, 04:41:10 pm
@Maddie

Thanks Maddie.  She was a sweetheart.

(https://i.imgur.com/sYot0Gs.jpg)

 :'(

@Kim

I fear you're right re: baked-in opinions.  My wife is an old-fashioned kind of cis girl.

BTW, I am not concerned about my finances in a divorce, but hers.  She is not great with money, and she wouldn't be thrilled with having to tighten her belt.  She might even need or would choose to start working again, at least part-time.  Scrambling her retirement like that would really make me feel quite bad, though of course it would really be no one's fault.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on January 22, 2020, 12:35:15 pm
And now, as they say, for something completely different.  While my wife continues to be non-supportive, I am not going to bitch about that today. 

*You're welcome.*

I am going to branch out a bit (since it is my thread) and discuss something only indirectly linked to gender/transition. 

I recently discovered a singer-songwriter named Dar Williams.  She has a song called After All that I have played into the ground.  A really fine poem set to music.  I would have never thought that a straight CIS woman could pen lyrics that so convey what I felt like living in the closet for so many years.  The winter machine is just a brilliant analogy.  And the lines about rejecting suicide also ring so, so true.  (In full disclosure, I have never been particularly suicidal, but the thought pops up from time to time. Judging from the statistics, I would guess that is true of a lot of the people on this particular site.)

For some reason, I find comfort in the jolting realization that while being trans is a particular issue, and my issue, there are a *million* other issues, and we all, trans and CIS alike, have struggles.  In a strange way, it makes me feel more connected to the human race.

At any rate, I guess you can tell I like the song.  Below are the lyrics and the link.  And that's really about all I got.

Go ahead, push your luck
Find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control
And reined my soul in tight

Well the whole truth
It’s like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide
Froze it up from inside

And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound

And when I chose to live
There was no joy
It’s just a line I crossed
I wasn’t worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found

And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
So I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them

Growing up, my mom had a room full of books
And hid away in there
Her father raging down a spiral stair
‘Til he found someone
Most days his son

And sometimes I think
My father, too, was a refugee
I know they tried to keep their pain from me
They could not see what it was for

But now I’m sleeping fine
Sometimes the truth is like a second chance
I am the daughter of a great romance
And they are the children of the war

Well the sun rose
With so many colors, it nearly broke my heart
It worked me over like a work of art
And I was part of all that

So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you gotta say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it’ll push right back
And there are worse things than that

Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It’s better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

‘Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets into who you thought you’d be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all


If you want, you can listen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PD6lptPxR0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PD6lptPxR0)



Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on January 23, 2020, 11:17:42 am
Hi Randi. Thanks for sharing the lyrics and the link.
The 4th and 8th verses ring the most with me right away.
Have a good day please
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on January 23, 2020, 08:32:08 pm
Thanks Maddie. You are a kind soul. 😉 it’s been a good day. Had my third laser session. My cheeks and the area around my lips are feeling a little smoother. Hoping that trend continues. 👍
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: RandyL on January 24, 2020, 01:47:44 am
Hi Randi, I've been kind of away for some time, but beginning to reengage here. I remember reading about your situation and noting our similarities, besides just the name lol.

My wife and I are best friends in addition to the partners and lovers bit. We have similar interests and love to get outdoors together and to travel. We tried separation a couple of years ago. It was interesting and illuminating. I confused the people in my apartment building who thought there were a man and a woman living in my place

Ultimately my wife and I decided we were happier together than apart. But acceptance remains a challenge. Tolerance is what I get and that's not enough. So it's still a work in progress.

We have a super effective marriage counselor who has helped us a lot. Especially in getting me to open up my very repressed emotions. As I do that more and more, my wife becomes more supportive and moves closer to acceptance. Actually we are both becoming more supportive of each other which is a big plus.

Well enough of my highjacking your thread for my own rant I wanted to write something empathic, and instead told my own story. All I can say I suppose is that I see you and what you're going through, and I wish you both all the best.

Also I loved the Dar Williams song, thanks.
Hugs, Randy or Randi depending on the day

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on January 24, 2020, 09:00:50 am
Thanks Randy.  And hugs back at 'cha.  (Geeze, this feels so recursive, somehow.  :D) I'm very happy that you are making progress with your wife.  That is very special indeed. I hope fortune is kind to both of you. Being true to yourself and preserving a marriage is a tricky proposition.  I'll testify to that. I am not so optimistic about mine these days, but we'll see. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 13, 2020, 10:52:19 pm
Guess it has been a while.  Not much news to report but I did have a very interesting experience in the mall today.  I swung by after work to get Kristin some chocolates for Valentine's Day.  She is on a diet so I asked for sugar-free chocolates.  They actually didn't have many, but I got a couple and few other truffles that she likes.  When ringing me up, the saleswoman ringing me up was very friendly and teasingly asked if I was "watching my girlish figure."  That seemed ... unusual.  When I was walking through the mall to get to an exit, I got waylaid by a saleswoman at a pricey skin-care place, who coaxed me into the store for some samples and pitched me a line of high-end facial products.  Kind of a strange experience. But I found both of them just delightful. Last week my therapist said my skin was looking better and my face softer.  I did not think much of it, but people do seem to be reacting to and treating me a little bit differently.  Maybe the hormones will have more of a physical affect than I was expecting.  I certainly have had more breast development than I was expecting.

What else, what else.  Not much change on the marital front I'm afraid.  I did dig out a dictionary to ruminate on the definition of "despair."  It tells me "the complete loss or absence of hope."  I fear that I am indeed beginning to despair that Kristin will ever accept me for what I am.  Which presents me with a very, very stark choice that I hate making.  But.... I've been saying this forever, but some very difficult conversations seem to be getting closer and closer. Goddess give me strength.

Let's see.  My nomadic middle son is back from Central America and living with us for a couple of months.  It does change the household dynamics.  I am out to him, and we've talked about it some, but he has yet to see me present female.  Guess that will happen while he's here.  I think he will take it well, but I'm sure it will be a difficult adjustment for him. 

It would be nice if this were an easier road.  Unfortunately, I think it goes through the fire.  Never dreamed I would be going through this at this point in my life.  Surely wish I done this decades ago.  But, that's not a very productive way to look at it.  I just have to keep the ship moving in the right direction.  But it's pitch black sometimes and navigation is very difficult.  I must admit that femininity is something of a North Star.  There's a lyric from a song I've been listening to a lot of late:

There's the weak, and the strong,
And the many stars that guide us.
We have some of them inside us.






 

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on February 14, 2020, 08:00:24 am
Hello Randi, Randi, calling in the darkness

Shopping mall saleswomen lighting candles.
Whether mere flickers or everburning, only your heart will know

Unexpected results and Inner star guide you true
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on February 14, 2020, 03:47:12 pm
Hi, Randi.

A few things. I read all your posts and admire how well you wrangle words. I say that as a professional. In nearly every post, there was a sentence or analogy or phrase that charmed me and shone a bright, honest, unwavering light on your challenges.

You are harsh in how you see your face, but it sounds like estrogen is working its magic. When I transitioned, I passed through a neitherland. Even though I wore men's clothing, I'd be seen as male one moment and female the next. It was disconcerting and felt a little dangerous too, as society wants us to choose. Tilda Swinton is regularly mocked, despite her massive talent and considerable beauty. You aren't as uncomely as you think and there might even be a come hither countenance coming.

Kristin is playing with fire in being so cruel, for divorce is the number one determiner of poverty for women in retirement.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maid Marion on February 14, 2020, 04:58:43 pm
I think having a "girlish" figure helps gain acceptance.  Everyone knows it isn't easy. It shows that you  are making the effort to be feminine.  And people like looking at attractive people.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on February 14, 2020, 05:38:48 pm
And Randi has the slim figure and narrow shoulders too.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 14, 2020, 10:30:41 pm
@Maddie

Thanks hun.  You have a very poetic way of posting.  They are always illuminating.  Maddie candles, as it were.  ;)

@Oldandcreaky

Thanks so much for your kind words.  I do hope others find my posts interesting reading.  I don't always succeed, but it's a good secondary goal.  I try not to be overly self-critical.  It's just that these decisions are *so*  consequential, I don't want to be making them chasing a fantasy.  I want to take these steps soberly and clear-eyed. I guess being overly harsh is just clouding your vision in a different way though.  I dunno.  Believe me, I'll take what I can get, at least what I can get short of surgeries.  But at 66, there is certainly a ceiling as to what is possible.  It's a shame.  Whenever I see young women, they just look so gorgeous, and I will never be within light years of that.  But like they say, it's not what you can't do, it's what you can.

You are right about Kristin not fulling appreciating how difficult her finances would be in a split.  She kind of does, but she is not much of a numbers/money person.  Fortunately, we both have pensions and social security and some home equity and savings.  Our living standards would be reduced but neither of us would be truly improvised.

@MaidMarion @Katie76

Thank you for the kind words.  I wish my figure were a little *more* girlish.  Hard to find pants that fit in both the hip and the waist. Stretchy things work best but it's easy to get something a little too tight going that route. But for my age, my body has held up pretty well and I'm pretty scrawny. I can't really complain. 

And Katie, I am extremely touched by your heart compliment.  That is as flattering as it gets. Thank you.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on February 15, 2020, 08:49:07 am
Randi, you're right about youth. There's the old saw about youth being wasted on the young and it is in this way: So many young people pine for a different nose or figure when nearly all of them are beautiful. Youth is beauty. Beauty is youth. I've written several columns, where I'd write an essay a week, in my life and the most triggering of all of them was about youth being ephemeral. I had bloggers write counter-essays and hundreds decried my blasphemy, for they all wanted to pretend that they could be young and hot forever and ever.

I once returned to a former job site after a decade had passed and all the twenty-something women were then thirty-something women and I was shocked to see their glow was gone. Now, a thirty-something woman can still be beautiful, but she doesn't glow like a twenty-something woman and I didn't realize that until that moment, seeing them suddenly after ten years had passed.

Why isn't surgery an option? I'm not saying you need it, for you don't have a bulging brow ridge and your nose is within female parameters, but I'm curious.

For me, living in the female role isn't about clothing or makeup or hair. It's about being approached as a woman and intrinsically knowing how to react. When another woman engages me woman-to-woman, I know what to say. If a man tenders me some attention, I know how to respond. I have an owner's manual for my body now. I was clueless about my former form.

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 16, 2020, 09:03:15 am
Surgeries?  I suppose I should never say never.  Something like that just seems so distant at this point.  I've been on HRT about six months and I have started the difficult process of beard removal.  I am hopeful in a year or so I will get to a point where the electrologist is zapping regrowth.  I am struggling to come out and live openly, but I haven't done so yet.  I guess I want to see how my face looks after a year or so of HRT and with the whiskers cleared off.  Oh, yea, I need to learn how to do makeup too, and figure out a hairstyle that isn't old-man hair (might have to be a wig -- don't know yet).  So.... guess I want to see what develops pseudo-"naturally." And see what my finances are like then as well. Surgery would be a formidable expense.  I will admit that the idea of neck lift/face lift just as a way to combat father time has a lot of appeal to me, more so than trying to shape the face.  I'm developing a little turkey neck that I absolutely hate, and my face is getting a little saggy and jowly.   

And your point about physical appearance being a secondary goal of transition rings so, so, so true to me.  I want to feel like me, like I'm not cosplaying a role society dictates. I want to see the world through my eyes, unfiltered, without being ashamed of the perspective. Changes in physical appearance will certainly be important pieces of the puzzle, but only pieces, and not the most important ones at that.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Emma1017 on February 16, 2020, 09:58:22 am
Randim I am glad that I have finally caught up with your thread.  I am constantly amazed how our different paths intersect.

We and our wives are all victims.  We try to mix logic and emotions in so many ways that the resulting knots we create for ourselves and each other are hard to unravel.

I have been asking myself what I should expect or demand from my relationship with my wife.  In the end all I want is something we can both live with.  Her answer may or may not be the same as mine.  It has been hard accepting it.  What I am hoping for is a relationship that still has love and not bitterness.

I agree that this process is filled with misery and pain but we need to have continued hope.  Love is worth the extra commitment.

Thank you for showing me Dar Williams and I love her song.  It's funny how lyrics can be so differently meaningful to different people.  She also has a wonderful voice.

Surgeries can be done in stages so if you neck is bothering you now, do it.  It's not feminizing.  You have a right to feel good about yourself without guilt!  Take time with the "BIG" surgeries.  Let the HRT perk a while longer.  Do a better job than I am right now and be patient with the changes that are evolving both within and without you right now.

I hope you find more peace and happiness on this journey.  You deserve it.


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on February 16, 2020, 10:37:18 am
I sure understand "cosplaying a role society dictates." I recently spoke to a brilliant man on the autism spectrum and he said that he mimics his colleagues around humor. When they laugh, he laughs. He doesn't understand the jokes, but he wants to belong.

I used to attempt that too. I'd ape my male friends and sometimes I'd do it poorly and be challenged.

I've shared that I had FFS. I needed it with my brow ridge, but I had the surgery where they scalp you and break your skull and reassemble it. Brutal. Ten or so years later, most of the feeling has returned to my skull, but it still itches as nerves still continue to reawaken. That's massive trauma. For weeks after surgery, I felt like I had a helmet on my head when I touched it and felt nothing. I'm wary of stacking surgeries. I see rich women do that and there comes a point where plastic surgery makes you look plastic.

Emma, I like this line: "We and our wives are all victims."

I'll quit chatting in this thread for a bit, so Randi can return to telling her story, which she does so well.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 17, 2020, 08:24:58 am
@Emma1017

You are so correct that both parties are blameless when this truth finally sees the light of day. It isn't our fault that we are the way &thediety made us, nor that we finally bend the knee and face our hard reality. But it is not our spouses' fault that they carry the prejudices of our society that they learned at an early age either, and they are under no obligation to want to live with a trans partner in what would be, in society's eyes, quite a radical relationship. They didn't get married to commit a revolutionary act. It is a terrible dilemma, and I fear in many cases there simply is no happy answer.  As you can gather from my posts, I am rapidly losing hope of a happy answer in my case.  If it comes to pass, I think Kristin and I will eventually forge an amicable, loving relationship as friends.  But I fear there will be a hard adjustment period where she will harbor tremendous bitterness.  When we talk about it now, even still living together in the same house, she says I've ruined her life.  That's not easily forgiven, not that being trans is something that requires forgiveness, but she has a quite different perspective than mine.  It is certainly true that bringing this much pain into her life, this many complications and hardships into her life, this late in her life, is a burden of guilt I will probably have to take to the grave.  I will strive mightily to minimize what she has to go through, but I just can't go back in the closet like she wants.  Just can't.  Can't predict the future or what form transition takes for me, but it won't be the life I had before, and I won't be the partner she had before that so badly wants to keep. 

@Oldandcreaky

Brutal sounds like a mild term for your experience.  What you went through hurts just to read.  I am glad that is well in the rear-view mirror for you.


Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Emma1017 on February 17, 2020, 09:44:29 am
Randi I absolutely agree with everything you said.  Neither party should be forced to continue a relationship that neither can live with.

Transitioning leaves us no moral high ground.  It just a tragic turn of events.  We are all victims but you and I are victim #1.  We have no viable choice, our wives do.  This change was forced on us but the world and our wives don't see it that way.

I don't remember whether you knew about your gender dysphoria all along but my discovery was absolutely shocking to me two years ago.  I truly and honestly had no clue.  I believed that I was the man that my wife married until then.  Even now I am still trying to deny it.

I understand the bitterness.  It comes from the anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly and leads to resentment.  I feel it right now and my wife has even more reason to feel it.  What I am hoping for is that we both stop aiming that bitterness at me and what I have to do.  I wish to god I had a choice.  I keep looking for one.

I sometimes wish I had had an affair or had cancer because society forgives those human realities.  We got screwed.  Our physical reality in not only inexplicable, it makes us social pariahs and outcasts.  Our wives are splashed by the same social reaction.

If your wife is willing to read something, I strong believe that this is the best thing I have read from the spouses perspective.  This just one small part of what she wrote:

    "Your spouse is transgender. It isn’t a choice they’ve made and they aren’t doing this to hurt you,
     your children, or anyone else. You’re scared and so are they — they’re terrified. This is a truth
     they’ve hidden deep inside themselves and they know you could turn around and walk right
     out the door and never come back. They know it is your right to do so. They’ve processed those
     fears and come to the conclusion that it is better to be themselves and lose everything than it is
     to live a lie any longer."
   
     Antoinette Cavitt  https://medium.com/an-injustice/when-your-spouse-comes-out-transgender-9287208ce1e3

There should be no guilt just as if having cancer should carry no guilt.  We did not choose this!

You and your wife are facing the same miserable choices that we are.  My only hope is that time heals the wounds this (not us) has inflicted on our wives and our lives and that some continuation of our life-long love affair will find some way to survive.


Hugs,

Emma



Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 17, 2020, 12:09:46 pm
Thanks for the link to the Medium article.  It is quite well done.

You ask when I knew about my dysphoria.  I have always know in the sense that I have cross-dressed pretty much my entire life starting an early age.  But, Southern Baptist child of conservative Appalachian mountain culture,  I did not  allow myself to even *think* of having a female identity or really living 24x7 as a woman until probably 15 years or so ago around age 50.  That's when my feelings of being truly transgender and wanting to live full-time blossomed.  But, I just wasn't ready to face up to that.  Way too much internalized shame and transphobia. I was somehow able to put it aside and stay closeted.  I was aware of my feelings but I would tell myself it was too late and I had made an irrevocable choice and it was just a what-might-have-been thing (and while not perhaps *really* the saddest words, they are quite sad).  And then a couple of years ago, it just exploded.  Woopsie. 

And they say God doesn't have a sense of humor (or Goddess if you prefer a differently-gendered deity).
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: davina61 on February 17, 2020, 12:26:40 pm
SHE does dear, twisted perverse humour at that so we have something in common!!!!
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on February 17, 2020, 12:34:12 pm
SHE does dear, twisted perverse humour at that so we have something in common!!!!

She made us in her image, no?
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 11, 2020, 12:28:25 pm
Long time no post.  Guess that's because I don't have a lot of news, but feel like dumping a bit.

Had my 3-mo checkup with the endo.  Everything is proceeding apace on that front.  E levels climbing.  Now to about 80 percent of target.  T levels about where they should.  I am bumping up the E dosage, maybe for the last time if that gets me to target.  Moobs a little sore and itchy.  Still growing a bit I think.  I continue my relentless march to a AAA cup.  :D. They are developing enough to start being an issue with certain tees and things like that, and the locker room is ever more problematic.  But it's been six months on HRT so they may peak before too long.

Had my 4th laser session yesterday.  The face is a bit smoother but clearly most of my whiskers are white.  There are a ton of electro sessions in my future.

So some important things going on but I am still so unclear where it will all lead.  I ain't going back to the way life was before but it's not clear what replaces it yet.  I have such a masculine body and face, I just wonder if I can really rock much other than a very low-femme look.  I got a new wig, a cheap thing from QVC, a few weeks ago, partly because it was one suggested by my wife, who hates my current wig.  It has a short cut and color is a lot closer to my natural hair.  It does look more natural, but my goodness, do I ever look like a man wearing a wig when I put it on.  It is clearly going to be a real struggle to figure out how to put myself together in anything more than an androgynous way.  I need to kiss a lot of frogs on that front I'm afraid.

And, as always, the question is can I do much kissing with my current living arrangement?  Things have been ok at home lately, mainly because I haven't been dressing much at all.  This is not sitting well with me but I really think if I start going where I need to go it's going to finish off the marriage rather quickly. I really need to tell her that I need to transition, though what that would mean for me might be radically different than what she visualizes when she hears that word.  But I just can't bring myself to do that yet. I do seem to have a sense of duty that makes a Marine look like a libertine.  That really is an unfortunate quality.  Why oh why can't I just guzzle just a little more of the selfish juice?  Works pretty well for most folks from what I can tell.

I dunno.  I do feel kind of blue.  Just a little stagnant and becalmed right now. But maybe that's just the ebb part of ebb and flow.  This really is a two-steps forward one-step back kind of thing.  Don't like feeling stuck though.


 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: RandyL on March 11, 2020, 01:45:53 pm
Hi Randi, yes, times of stasis can be tough when underneath we really want to be moving along. I'm sort of in a similar situation. We are working with our counselor to strengthen the relationship we have. My wife says she can handle my femme presentation much more easily when we've had a time of connection together. So I'm trying to foster that But not much actual progress otherwise. Hugs, Randy

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on March 11, 2020, 02:33:31 pm
Hi Randi
Thanks for sharing what's going on with you.  As always i am pulling for, rooting, and wishing the best.

Libertine selfish juice.  If you had a bottle, would it even taste good to you?

Here's to flowing out of the ebb
Cheers!

Glug.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 11, 2020, 02:49:03 pm
Randi, this is a long process, and you have time on your side. I know we all want to jump to the end, but we have to wait years. To manage this, you do need outlets, and some of this may require your wife to suffer a little, or become part of the process. Every so often, push a little, then hopefully her world will evolve and the goalposts might shift. I also try to get some fun, or even just a sense of normalcy in my situation, just so it’s not always associated with stress.

My wife says she has turned a corner, and now sees a future in our relationship. I am now full time, though I am nowhere near ready for it physically, but I live in a supportive community. Our life is starting to find a new normalcy, but we still have a way to go before she will feel comfortable. I know this is a tough period of adjustment for her, but she also knows I am struggling through this, and it is a life and death need for me. Hopefully later this year we will both be on track and life will become normal again, just have to get through the next few months.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 11, 2020, 04:33:40 pm
@RandyL

Hi Randy (love your name btw!  ;) )

Thanks for the hugs.  Back at 'cha.  Sounds like both you and your wife are working hard to come to an accommodation. Being in counseling together is very promising. That's really fortunate.  Spousal reaction can be otherwise.  Hoping for the best for you, and that you can move to where you want and need to be while preserving your relationship.

@Maddie

Thanks for the kind wishes.  Wishing the same for you my dear.  As for the selfish juice?  Not what you want to drink by the gallon, but like they say, everything in moderation.

@Allie

Thanks Allie.  Patience is one of my virtues, but I get a bit nervous given my age.  There's a song lyric that goes:

When did the choices get so hard?
So much more at stake
Life gets mighty precious
When there's less of it to waste


It do slip by fast....

If you asked Kristin, she'll tell you she is suffering plenty.  We had a hard talk a while back where I said "I don't want to swing a wrecking ball through your life" and she said something like "it's already swung."  I'm not sure she fully appreciates how much more damage can come but she's paying a price.

You are right that I need to push a lot more.  Ill-fitting mom jeans and turtlenecks don't seem quite enough to feed the femme beast.  Really need to get comfortable using a purse and dabbling in light makeup.  I pretty much know such things would not go over well.  But that is the kind of thing I need to be working on.

I know you've had plenty of struggles of your own recently.  Know that I am pulling for you and rejoice in your successes. You keep on being you Ms. Allie.

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 11, 2020, 06:23:33 pm
Some months back I started using BB cream. It is just a moisturiser with some colour to it. Mary didn't notice for a month or so, but found my tube and asked what it was ( she doesn't wear makeup). I told her it was a moisturiser with a little colour, and said she should apply some to one side of her face. A minute later I heard her say 'Wow, this stuff is awesome", and she did the other side of her face. She came to look at mine and said she had noticed my complexion had evened out lately, but she thought it was because of hormones. I explained that it moisturises, and has a SPF factor as well. I know she uses it sometimes when she feels her face is a bit blotchy, and my tube doesn't last as long, but we share an aspect of femininity. Little things like these can really change our situation.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on March 11, 2020, 07:52:18 pm
Randi, you've shared a few times that you see a man in a wig when you look in the mirror. When you lose your beard and estrogen keeps chipping away your male shell, you might pass just fine. You have, as I've already mentioned, some sweet facial features. You do have a big chin, but google "women with big chins" and you'll lots of women not just with big chins, but beautiful women with big chins.

As far as your wife, your fealty is a lovely, lovely feature. I hope your wife can follow your lead and be as loyal to you as you've been to her.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Emma1017 on March 12, 2020, 04:26:45 pm
Randi we are our own worst critic.  I agree with everyone that time and commitment to progress will show results.  But I also know it feels like a snails pace.

Wives have such a tough job.  Our increasing happiness seems to come at the expense of theirs.  It magnifies our personal pain.  I wish there was a simple, less painful way to live with gender dysphoria in an existing relationship but I haven't found it yet.  I am relying on hope and patience.

The right wig will make you feel better.  You could get it customized to your face by going to a hairdresser and having her trim it to you.

Be kind to yourself!

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 12, 2020, 05:27:03 pm
@Allie

We do share some things. She has helped me shop for (very low-key) shoes, the latest wig I got, and she at one time offered to share some of her clothes with me.  But I get such mixed signals. When I took her up on that and wore one of her tops to a support group meeting, she was extremely hostile the next day, saying it stank of B.O. "because you're  A MAN!"  I think part of the offer to share, in the past, has been at least partly an attempt to control, and minimize the level of feminine presentation.  Anything beyond andro is very difficult for her. But we continue to grope our way along. It's funny.  When my daughter got married last year, she got some Spanx shapewear to wear with her dress.  When she was talking about buying something early in the process, I was tempted to offer "Hey, I've got a waist cincher. Do you want to try it?"  I just don't think it would have been received well.  I will keep an eye out for opportunities to share anything of mine she might be interested in. 

@OldandCreaky

Thank you.  You are very kind.  I'm not trying to denigrate myself, just trying as the saying goes "to keep it real."  I am rather, ahem, mannish. Hard to escape all those decades of testosterone. I don't think I'm unattractive for my age, but very masculine when judged by female standards.  I think it will be very important to figure out the right combination of clothes, makeup, accessories, etc., etc. to really pull a workable look together.  I do need to experiment --  a lot.  Heck, cis women have the same challenge, they just have a lifetime of growing up to figure it out.

@Emma

Thanks. I really do try to be kind to myself. I do expect my appearance to improve with time, at least up to a point.  But, as I've said before, I do not consider passing to be a necessary thing.  Sure, it would be awesome if it ever happens, but if I'm living authentically, honestly and openly I'll be good with that.

And unfortunately, as you note, there is an element of zero-sum to this with regards to relationships.  Kristin hates all this with the heat of a thousand suns.  What's good for me isn't good for her, in her eyes.  That is the very definition of a dilemma.   
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Emma1017 on March 12, 2020, 05:44:37 pm
Randi it comes down to survival.  Allie said it perfectly on my  thread when she "my doctor asked me why I would put my family through a life of grief and guilt knowing I died to save them some pain."  She nailed it and we don't want to admit it. 

There is no escape hatch!!!

I am now at the point that I will give my wife the choice.  I cannot live as a guy.  I will not die as a guy.  Our relationship will change.  It must, and she gets to choose whether she wants to stay or not.  I have absolutely no chance to choose to stay as it is.  It no longer can.  That ship has sailed whether I want it to or not.  Jesus look at the happiness of your photos!  Cisgender guys don't laser their faces!!!

You will find your own beauty.  None of us are going into any beauty pageants.  Most women don't either.  Our mirrors are lying to us.  These mirrors are looking for every weakness they can because they are looking for guilt, shame and weakness.

Look at your soul and touch your heart.  You know I am right.

I wish I was wrong with all my heart but I am not.

We will have to lose some things to gain this world we need to survive.  Others, including our spouses, need to recognize this and make their own decisions.

We need to  live.


Massive hug,

Emma

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 13, 2020, 10:19:06 am
For me, it is probably not a matter of life or death.  I doubt I would become suicidal, though in full disclosure I must admit I did put a belt around my neck a few months ago just to see how it felt.  Thought afterwards:

A.This is quite <not allowed> up
B.There are some DARK places on this journey.  Just a terrible feeling of "there is no place in this world for me."

But in truth that does not feel like my fate.  I think the worst case for me would be to get stuck in the limbo that I'm in now and kind of drift to the grave trying to straddle the fence, half in the closet and half out.  Now, such might whack years off my life due to depression, excessive drink and such, but I cannot see taking steps to hasten the process.

So, let's set this cheery line of discussion aside and move on to sunnier climes.

If the decision is not between life and death, but life A or life B, what then?  I know which of the lives works best for me.  I know which of the lives my wife would prefer for me.  They aren't the same.  Is there a happy life C that works for both of us?  Haven't found it yet, and I must confess I weary of searching for it.

In many ways, I have the advantage on you.  My relationship is not the great love that you describe.  It's been a rocky road that's been transactional and platonic for a long time.  Still, lives get thoroughly intertwined.  Even if it's not a storybook love, I genuinely do love her and loath the thought of hurting her the way I am now, and dread the thought of what separating could mean for her. But, but, but, I loath and dread the thought of continuing this half-life.  And I have a pretty good idea who gets the bigger half of the wishbone when it breaks.  May &diety. forgive me.

I think our situations do overlap in many ways, and I genuinely ache for you Emma.  I wish you all the best and hope you find the way to begin the hard conversations (and yes, they will be plural, not singular) that you need to have with your wife.  But Emma, always, always remember: "Life is a shipwreck, but we must remember to sing in the lifeboats."








 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on March 13, 2020, 10:42:43 am
Randi, Hemingway defined courage as grace under pressure and that describes you, for your lucidity and eloquence aren't just grace markers, but grace personified.

It does take time to find a style that works for you. My style is so slovenly that when I don a pair of pants with a zipper and snap, my friends and relations say, "Don't you look nice!" Conveniently, I live in Maine, where most women are fellow slobs, so I blend.

What you haven't experienced yet is years of estrogen. It will change your skin. It might even change the shape of your face. You will look different to some degree.

To be frank, when I read that you put a belt around your neck to try how it feels, my heart cracked. I once read an article about people who'd leapt from the Golden Gate Bridge and survived and everyone (EVERYONE!) said they regretted their suicide decision on the way down. However, I know that darkness. I was there once.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on March 13, 2020, 11:29:31 am
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must remember to sing in the lifeboats."

La la la la

Luv you sister Randi
Glad to know you here
No suicide situations for me except for extenuating circumstances back in time. 
Here's to forward time without that!
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on March 13, 2020, 11:47:48 am
Few things I know, but this is one: Maddie is kind.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: CynthiaAnn on March 13, 2020, 01:29:33 pm


If the decision is not between life and death, but life A or life B, what then?  I know which of the lives works best for me.  I know which of the lives my wife would prefer for me.  They aren't the same.  Is there a happy life C that works for both of us?  Haven't found it yet, and I must confess I weary of searching for it.


Hi Randi, I've read your thread for some time now, and coming from another married 60 something

Happy life "C" as you describe it can be achieved, it's not a this or that, but a this and that, the key difference being the "And" vs "OR"  :) a little food for thought  :)

Hope your day goes well

C
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 13, 2020, 02:24:04 pm
@Oldandcreaky

Don't know that it's deserved, but I'm not one to pass on a compliment.  ;) Thank you so much.

I hope you're right about changing.  I'll happily take whatever feminization the Gods decide to toss my way.  But starting hormones in the mid-60s is pretty late.  Some efficacy has been lost, for sure.  Regarding the belt, I look at it as coming within a thousand miles of something you don't want to come within a million miles of.  Does make you realize how deep-rooted this all is, and how real.

@Maddie

Love your voice girl.  It has a beautiful timbre. Keep on singing.

And yes, you are very kind. 

@CynthiaAnn

Thanks.  I hope you're right.  I'd love to think all this doesn't mean burning my adult life to the ground and starting over as a senior citizen.  Sometimes that has a fantasy appeal, but in the real world?  Pretty <not allowed> hard. I'd love to think there is somewhere Kristin and I can meet in the middle, but thus far it seems a lot closer to her end than the middle.  But maybe she would say the same thing in reverse.  I don't know.  So much of it is just that I can't shake the horrible feeling that she feels absolute revulsion towards me when she perceives me as a trans woman. That's not a feeling of being loved.  And I grapple mightily with forgiveness.  She has said some things to me that are just really hard to unhear. I struggle to move past them.  Of course, I suppose to be fair, she says she's seen me in ways that she can't unsee. It will definitely take two to do this tango.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 13, 2020, 02:47:23 pm
Randi, it was life or death for me, and not just because of depression, though I know well that feeling of “there is no place for me”. My dysphoria decided to do what I couldn’t and tried to kill me. HRT saved me, though I am in another struggle.

We actually found life C, and dismissed it for months before she decided it was the only way forward. Our divorce if final in just over 2 weeks, but it has kept us together. The absolute truth is I would prefer the life we had before all this came to a head. But we both know that is not possible, and have accepted we both had to change. I don’t know if life C will work for us, or maybe it will be a transitory stage back to something closer than we had. The important thing is that we are together, and still enjoy each other’s company. We have both made an effort to keep some fun in our lives, and lay down pleasant memories in our new reality. I think that has helped, as if it was all stress and unhappiness we wouldn’t be together now.

Randi, I hope you can find your Life C, and find a way to improve your current life. If that feeling of ‘no place for me’ ever comes back, talk to someone, as it is just depression blocking your view of options.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 13, 2020, 03:46:29 pm
Thanks Allie,

I do know the status quo we have now is not healthy or happy, at least for me.  I don't think it's sustainable, and I'm sure I can't de transition and go back to the way life was before.  I just don't know how much she can accept from me moving forward.  It has to be more than she has thus far, but we shall see.  Hope we can find life C together, even if it's just respecting, cordial housemates.  Stay tuned.  :D I'm sure there will be updates.

And I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.  You're a super-sweet person, and deserve some smooth sailing.  Or diving as the case may be. 

Appropriately socially-isolated hugs to you as well.  ;)


 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: davina61 on March 13, 2020, 04:33:52 pm
I must say reading yours, Emma's and some of the others having spose trouble I am thankful for getting kicked out. Its left me financially challenged and I don't get to see my kids and grand kids often but I am free to be me. Hugs and hope things work out XXXX 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on March 13, 2020, 09:18:35 pm
Thanks Davina. Heard a joke that “you’re not trans until you separate.” There are times I wonder if it’s a joke.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on April 03, 2020, 10:02:39 pm
Hi all. Hope tonight finds everyone safe and appropriately isolated.  I have no real news, but it's been a while.  I've had too much to drink, and well, here we are.  Get out while you can!  :D

On the transition front:  still stuck in the mud, mostly. The virus doesn't help, for multiple reasons. I have been super down-dressing while at home, but did break out a bland top I hadn't wore in front of Kristin and my son before.  Felt very nervous doing it (8 percent spandex, oh no!), but nobody cared. The fact that I have been so stuck has brought thoughts of detransitioning to mind, but bless Lady Dysphoria, she dispelled that quickly enough.  My wife and son were out for a while today to run some errands. First time I've had the house to myself in weeks, if not months, and all of a sudden it was like the old cross-dressing days.  Racing to the closet to throw clothes on and off.  Makes me realize I really can't go home again. And it makes me realize I am continuing to suppress, suppress, suppress. Not really comfortable wearing what I want to wear even at home.  It sucks. Really want to get to a point where they're just clothes.  My clothes.  All nice and normal.  Also make me realize I do want to stretch the boundaries some and lean into the feminine more. This can't go on forever, and for good or ill, I can't surrender and crawl back into the closet.  To coin a phrase, "<not allowed> me."  Teh life.  It is funny.

Marital relations?  Not bad of late, but that is mostly because of the suppress, suppress, thing. I had a (remote) therapy session yesterday.  While we were walking the dog before that, Kristin asks "you have anything to tell her?" And I answer something anodyne like "trying to come to grips with this and figure out what to do with my life."  Her response -- "That makes me want to slit my throat."  I just don't know that we're getting too far.  Was rereading The Second Coming yesterday, and the lines jump out:

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,   
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?


Has its hour come round at last?  But, but, can't it be a smooth beast? Am I really moving past fantasy and purging? Pretty terrifying.

Speaking of therapy.... turns out that just closing the door to my study doesn't really muffle the sound enough.  Nice to have your spouse catching snatches of a therapy session.  Really pleasant conversation afterwards trying to explain the concept of "context." Damn virus.

[tmi]
What else, what else? Did the self-sex thing today for maybe the 3rd? time or so in the last six months.  Can really tell a difference with the hormones.  Rowing with a rope, as they say.  And what comes out ain't what it used to be.  I'd be happy if it'd just go away for good I think, but it's stubborn. But not a major player anymore, for sure.
[/tmi]

Surely do wish things were normal.  Would love to do more work on beard removal.  And hair will be an issue at some point.  But I am blessed.  No hint of illness.  Abundant food, energy, internet.  Two other people to share the house with.  Steady income.  So, so many cannot say those things, and far too many will genuinely suffer and die, or be touched by death.  It all seems a bit surreal.




Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on April 04, 2020, 03:43:53 am
Randi, you summed up very well, in these times we are lucky to be healthy and secure. We still have to deal with our gender issues, but it is so hard in lockdown. Most of us are turning to online video or chat calls to give us an outlet to people who understand us, and I have been active with groups locally and also with my friends in the USA, though the 4 am calls are messing up my sleep patterns!! We are all feeling better for these opportunities, so if you can get around your acoustic problems I can highly recommend this.

I have been full time for a while now, but it doesn't feel much different as I'm confined to my house, just like I was before I transitioned!! And I have a new passport that says I am female, which is nice, if I could actually use it. My HRT is slowly getting back on track, which is essential because my dysphoria got to the point I was on stress leave from work. My divorce came though 2 days ago and made me sad, but it is a small price to pay to stay together.

I have no advice for your marital situation, but we can hope for a miracle. So you, like everyone, just need to get through these challenging times, and it is easier if you can share your true self with others.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on April 04, 2020, 07:27:06 am
Kristin asks "you have anything to tell her?"

And I answer something anodyne like "trying to come to grips with this and figure out what to do with my life." 

Her response -- "That makes me want to slit my throat."



Okay, Kristin is a drama queen. She wants you to man up, but I want her to woman up. Her hyperbole helps no one.

I just love reading your words, Randi. You're a word wrangler. When it comes to words, they're your sheep and you're Babe the Pig, who coaxes them to trot in formation into the corral.

Your observation about not pining for an increasingly faltering penis is telling. It's just something that got stuck on you, but for men, it's the seat of their identity. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Emma1017 on April 04, 2020, 09:26:34 am
Randi you and I are incredibly paralleled.  When you wrote: "Marital relations?  Not bad of late, but that is mostly because of the suppress, suppress, thing." , I thought "Hey get out of my head."  Being on lock down makes me suppress what I want to say because I don't want to make the conditions of living in close quarters even more brutal but I am still on HRT and, slow as it is, changes are occurring as long as I keep taking them.

I agree with Oldandcreaky in that your wife is being dramatic.  It's her defense mechanism at work I guess.

I am trying to keep breathing, be patient and continue to process.  I really hope you are OK under the circumstances.


Please stay well and safe,

Emma
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on April 04, 2020, 10:23:07 am
@Allie,

Thanks Allie. I'm glad you're finding virtual communication routes.  I think the monthly support group I attend will be looking to set up a zoom or webex session or something like that.  Do need to figure out a way to have more privacy at home doing that. I feel your problems with time zones.  I'm in the Southeastern U.S. and work regularly with people from China.  The time difference is a serious barrier. 

It is wonderful news that you're getting your HRT straightened out.  I know that was a major stressor for you.  I'm sure the finalization of your divorce caused mixed feelings.  But, you are still together and that is the important thing.  Good luck moving forward.  Transitioning in the Time of Chronavirus.  It's waiting to be written.

@OldandCreaky

Thanks for the kind words.  Kristin does have a snarky, flip side, and her comment came from there, rather than a serious expression of depression.  But it is clear she stubbornly resists accepting me as I fully am, and reminders of that cut her deeply.  It is....problematic.

I'm glad you like my posting style.  I knew all those posts on previous message board homes would come in good for something!

Ah, the penis, the incredible shrinking penis.  It is funny.  I was socialized as a male.  I have fathered children. I still struggle with feelings of shame and sexual inadequacy.  It is serious internal work to undo all the male structures that have built up over time.  I remember a transwoman telling me years ago she was "working on cutting the dick off between my ears."  THE central challenge of transition, I think.

@Emma

Thank you dear. Based on my limited understanding of your position, it is probably wise not to push much right now. This is not a time to be going to a hotel or looking for new quarters should something go terribly wrong.  Which is one reason I'm a little stuck.  I think the odds of something going terribly wrong are pretty good for me.

I agree that both our spouses need to come to grips that hormones are here to stay.  In my case, though, I don't think they will feminize me sufficiently to make it intolerable for her unless I choose to present as overly feminine. I'm just not gonna be an Ashley I'm afraid.  It's funny though.  Last time I picked up my estrogen, I could have sworn the clerk called me Ms..  Could have misheard, but I am choosing to believe!  :D

But overall I am fine.  I wish I had enough access to my emotions to *not* be fine, but I seem to be a walking callus. Please stay safe and best of luck moving forward.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on April 04, 2020, 10:58:47 am
Randi, I agree that this would be a terrible time to be booted from your home or to do the booting.

If that was Kristin snarking, then, "Whew!" I'm glad she's not dangling that infamous sword over her throat. She has enough power over you without that too.

In Emma's thread, I alluded to the changes that are wrought by decades of living in a new gender role. Gender reminds me of Baroque Dance, where women have scripted movement and positions on the dance floor, as do men.

It was awkward, at first, as well as thrilling, to step onto the dance floor in new dress and with new movements, but after decades of dancing in the new role, it's remains disconcerting to remember that I was once expected to dance otherwise. I've never lost that susceptibility to be affected, to be made uneasy, by what people once expected and I'll never forget how I once stumbled in those old clothes, in that old role.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on April 04, 2020, 09:33:42 pm
luv u Ms Randi so happy you had the opportunity to dress.
Choosing to believe ;D
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: RandyL on April 04, 2020, 09:57:02 pm
Lockdown is an interesting time for sure. I don't feel so much that I'm suppressing as that, under stress, I'm letting my urges subside. I do still dress slightly for a few hours once a week or so, and my wife actually said I looked cute last week. She is making an effort and I appreciate that. I hope you can find some relief and some comfort.

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on April 06, 2020, 02:31:10 pm
@OldandCreak,@Maddie,@RandyL

Thanks all for the kind words.  They are much appreciated.

Had an "interesting" day yesterday.  My wife finally noticed that I had shaved my legs about a month ago. Funny, she's seen me wearing shorts since then, but I guess it didn't sink in.  Not going to talk much about it, because, hey, believe it or not, I try to be merciful to the folks here.  ;)  But, she did say something I've been turning over a bit.

She was quite furious about it all, and in talking about it with her, I asked her why it upset her so much compared to cross-dressing.  Her reply: "because you can't take it off." And that really struck me and says a lot to me. That she sees any expression of transness on my part as simply costume play -- just a man pretending to be a woman, who can simply change clothes and everything is back to normal. Really impressive cognitive dissonance on some level. I wish I knew how to get her  understand how deep and fundamental this runs, and that I can't ever "take it off" no matter what I'm wearing or how I present.  But .... how much would it matter if she did?
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 06, 2020, 03:24:04 pm
@randim
Dear Randi:
Yes indeed, it does get to a point when "you can't take it off"....

For me, I recall when it finally came to the point that one could not easily pass for a male ever again again... body changes, boobs, hair, nails, voice, etc.   It can certainly be a revelation and a situation that one needs to be committed to. 

As I have done, I am certain that you have read the threads of other members here that are going through or have gone through the same gauntlet of gaining the acceptance of their spouse.  It can be a difficult road to walk but at the end of the journey you will hopefully find acceptance and peace.

HUGS, and wishing you well.   Stay safe, stay healthy.
Danielle

  .
@OldandCreak,@Maddie,@RandyL

Thanks all for the kind words.  They are much appreciated.

Had an "interesting" day yesterday.  My wife finally noticed that I had shaved my legs about a month ago. Funny, she's seen me wearing shorts since then, but I guess it didn't sink in.  Not going to talk much about it, because, hey, believe it or not, I try to be merciful to the folks here.  ;)  But, she did say something I've been turning over a bit.

She was quite furious about it all, and in talking about it with her, I asked her why it upset her so much compared to cross-dressing.  Her reply: "because you can't take it off." And that really struck me and says a lot to me. That she sees any expression of transness on my part as simply costume play -- just a man pretending to be a woman, who can simply change clothes and everything is back to normal. Really impressive cognitive dissonance on some level. I wish I knew how to get her  understand how deep and fundamental this runs, and that I can't ever "take it off" no matter what I'm wearing or how I present.  But .... how much would it matter if she did?
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on April 06, 2020, 04:24:28 pm
Hugs Randi.
I'm glad you are allowing her to be seen more and more.
Sounds risky.  I'm assuming this needs be done and time and life are precious. That's how I think I'd feel.
You didn't wait until the pandemic to tell her. Thank goodness for that.

I bet the smooth legs are a happy thing for you.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on April 06, 2020, 04:49:58 pm
@OldandCreak,@Maddie,@RandyL

Thanks all for the kind words.  They are much appreciated.

Had an "interesting" day yesterday.  My wife finally noticed that I had shaved my legs about a month ago. Funny, she's seen me wearing shorts since then, but I guess it didn't sink in.  Not going to talk much about it, because, hey, believe it or not, I try to be merciful to the folks here.  ;)  But, she did say something I've been turning over a bit.

She was quite furious about it all, and in talking about it with her, I asked her why it upset her so much compared to cross-dressing.  Her reply: "because you can't take it off." And that really struck me and says a lot to me. That she sees any expression of transness on my part as simply costume play -- just a man pretending to be a woman, who can simply change clothes and everything is back to normal. Really impressive cognitive dissonance on some level. I wish I knew how to get her  understand how deep and fundamental this runs, and that I can't ever "take it off" no matter what I'm wearing or how I present.  But .... how much would it matter if she did?

Randi, I've been without testosterone for decades and so I rarely shave my legs. However, if the light is just right, I'll see all those long, fine, blond hairs and think, "Maybe I should shave." But I rarely remember.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on April 06, 2020, 08:49:59 pm
@Danielle,

Indeed, you are forever doomed to male fail, I believe.  The way you look now, I can't imagine you ever having to put it on.  I know this is heart breaking for you.  :D For me, I continue to grope for the right combination of feminine and masculine for me. I surely need to do a lot of girly stuff to find what works and what doesn't.

@Maddie,

Thanks Maddie.  Life continues to be interesting.  Smooth legs would be much nicer if I were younger.  But they are nice.  Worth the work?  Probably, but I haven't done it long-term.  They could lose their charm.  With Kristin, she knows enough that things aren't too much out of the blue, but she do hate it all. I'm taking it one day at a time.

@OldandCreaky

Thanks. I have noticed that my regrowth has slowed dramatically with the hormones, but the hair does come back.  Not like when I was in my 20s though.  I would have had to have worked on them every other day to keep them nice. Pondering my arms now.  I really do hate body hair. And don't get me started about hairy hands and feet.  >:(
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on April 07, 2020, 07:20:46 am
Randi, I actually shaved my legs in last night's shower in your honor. However, as I was shaving, I remembered why I generally fail to shave. To see my leg hairs, it takes sunlight and my legs have to be dry. In the shower, there's much less light and those fine hairs are plastered to my legs, so I look down and see only skin. Still, I shaved anyway!

Randi, I'm pretty good about origins. I like to guess about where a person's ancestors originated just from the shape of their face and where a person lives or has lived from their accent. I assumed you were English based upon your wit, but when I read that you live in the Southwest, I realized I erred. Erring is as valuable as getting it right because both let me fine tune my assumptions.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on April 07, 2020, 07:40:23 am
Your first instinct was probably right.  I live in the Southeast, not Southwest, in North Carolina. I am originally from the Appalachian region of the state.  I am a bit of Heinz 57 I think.  English and German for sure.  Possibly Scot.  There is a strong influence of that in the mountains.  They hold an annual Highland Games where people run around wearing kilts and engaging in strange competitions like throwing logs.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on April 07, 2020, 08:52:30 am
Yeah, I see England in your face, but you've got English wit too. I walked across NC once. Lovely state. I paddled across England once. Lovely country.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 17, 2020, 11:51:50 am
Then there would be a time of riotous living with most of the community drunk and wandering about in an aimless daze until the purchased rum was gone. After that the residents sat moodily in the sun and waited for something to happen. -- R. Wilder

It has been a while since posting, partly because life in the time of the coronavirus seems sort of groundhog-day-like.  I  feel I am moodily waiting for something to happen.  But starting to realize I will have to take actions to make things happen.  Stay tuned.  Regarding posting, there is also the complication of dual posting.  I do miss the way things used to be, but life is ever changing.

Not a great deal of news as the quarantine drags on. I have settled into a routine of down-dressing at home.  I have worn some bland tops that I have not dared to wear before, with my heart in my throat initially.  But no big fights or anything.  I did pick up a prescription and so some shopping dressed so in the neighborhood pharmacy, which I had not done before.  Feels like progress there.  Have tossed my old male underwear so I guess I'm strictly a panties girl from here on out.  This too, feels like progress.  But in the grand scheme of things, the tiniest of baby steps.

I've been dabbling with trans twitter.  Very interesting place with lots of everything, though the platform is geared towards hot takes rather than substantive discussions. But still, upgraded my bio and photo to appropriately reflect my trans status, so it is a bit of a public coming out.  Though no one I know is on twitter except my gay son.  So it's sort of a limited coming out.  Kind of like posting things here.  And if I do out myself there, I don't really care at this point.  Not ready to do fb yet though. That would be a very public coming out.

Regarding twitter, so many of the trans people there are so young.  Such different worlds than mine.  It is funny to see the egg terminology though.  Am I hatching?  Maybe so!

My 37th anniversary looms on Thursday.  Hope it turns out better than Valentine's Day, which was quite horrible. I guess that has been my excuse to keep kicking the can down the road in terms of some hard discussions with Kristin.  But if feels like it's getting closer, though I've been saying that for months and months.  I think the initial discussion is to ask her to refrain from unnecessarily gendering me.  No more "old man" and "Pops."  She doesn't have to gender me as female, but use neutral language. How that goes will probably say a lot about how deeper discussions are likely to turn out.



Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on May 17, 2020, 12:24:41 pm
Randi first of all,  congratulations on the steps you are taking. 
I think alot of media communication environments such as you possibly mentioned contain so much "stuff" flying around that it takes bravery and fortitude to sift through it all.

The last part of your post seems like such a hard thing to try to do.  Trying to get others who have been close to you a long time to change his they address you. I personally don't even try.  Beyond maybe telling someone once, after that, I don't correct them ever.
However, i am not "entangled" in a situation where terms, names, or pronouns (hate that word!)  are being employed on a regular basis with the intent to hurt me.  I think this is what happens to you, and you're trying to survive here. 
This is not unreasonable to want some respect.  You have mine, and I wish you the best today.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 17, 2020, 12:57:43 pm
Randi, I just read an essay called "No Slouch" in the Paris Review. I'd give you the link, but I'm not allowed yet. Google it. You might enjoy it.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 17, 2020, 02:48:58 pm
Randi, I just read an essay called "No Slouch" in the Paris Review. I'd give you the link, but I'm not allowed yet. Google it. You might enjoy it.

Thanks!  I enjoyed that a great deal.  I must confess I have swiped the phrase myself. I think I did use it correctly, though it casts the coming of Randi as something sinister, which I hope is not the case.  But the potential cost, while perhaps not sinister, is high.
 
I've been listening to a Mary Chapin Carpenter song that speaks to me a lot.  The opening lines go:

Noises in my head and endless should-haves rain
On me like a storm, like a hurricane

Losses piled up like wood stacks stories high
Feels like I've been framed, I have no alibi


Some of that just reflects my natural bent towards melancholy, but some of it just the awful truth that I hurt some of  the people I love just by existing. To use a less genteel expression, it really sucks.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 17, 2020, 03:02:28 pm
Randi first of all,  congratulations on the steps you are taking. 
I think alot of media communication environments such as you possibly mentioned contain so much "stuff" flying around that it takes bravery and fortitude to sift through it all.

The last part of your post seems like such a hard thing to try to do.  Trying to get others who have been close to you a long time to change his they address you. I personally don't even try.  Beyond maybe telling someone once, after that, I don't correct them ever.
However, i am not "entangled" in a situation where terms, names, or pronouns (hate that word!)  are being employed on a regular basis with the intent to hurt me.  I think this is what happens to you, and you're trying to survive here. 
This is not unreasonable to want some respect.  You have mine, and I wish you the best today.

Thanks Maddie,

Appreciate the good wishes.  Wish I were brave. It would make things simpler for sure.  But like the song says:

And there are things you can't avoid
You have to face them
When you're not prepared to face them


I think the biggest thing about the misgendering Kristin does is that it is an easy way to fool herself into think this is all just some passing phase, or something that can be compartmentalized and many of the basic contours of our relationship can stay unchanged. That doesn't strike me as possible.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 17, 2020, 04:33:33 pm
Thanks!  I enjoyed that a great deal.  I must confess I have swiped the phrase myself. I think I did use it correctly, though it casts the coming of Randi as something sinister, which I hope is not the case.  But the potential cost, while perhaps not sinister, is high.
 
I've been listening to a Mary Chapin Carpenter song that speaks to me a lot.  The opening lines go:

Noises in my head and endless should-haves rain
On me like a storm, like a hurricane

Losses piled up like wood stacks stories high
Feels like I've been framed, I have no alibi


Some of that just reflects my natural bent towards melancholy, but some of it just the awful truth that I hurt some of  the people I love just by existing. To use a less genteel expression, it really sucks.

Randi, I had an English professor in college who asserted that melancholy is the most desirable human state. I too am often melancholic and I think anyone who lives with their eyes open is susceptible.

In the book, "Denial of Death," Ernest Becker argues that neurosis is a reasonable response to the human condition; By simply closing our eyes, we can imagine ourselves on the moon, which is God-like scope, but in the end, we're still worm's meat. It's an incongruity that can make one a little mad and you see the ubiquity of madness pert near everywhere, from the slow suicides of gluttony and inTOXICation to Americans not taking all due precautions in a crisis that's killing us at eight times the rate that Hitler and Tojo did.

When I was young, I fell in love with wild places. I still love them, but they were once my sanctuary, a place where no critter approached me as if I were male. Today's gender reveal events are a big deal because it prepares relations and friends to approach the coming baby. It tells them exactly how to touch and talk to that person. In the woods, a bear or deer doesn't give a scat about gender and so that was my safe place.

I could have lived a genderless life there and been happy, but I couldn't live a wrongly gendered life and be happy. I don't think you can either. You will need some FFS and some more HRT, but your petite shoulders will be hugely helpful, for a person's frame is how we gender them at a glance. 

I'm glad you enjoyed "No Slouch." I too love to quote literature and the essayist makes one a little hesitant to do so, but I'll keep quoting and hope you do too.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: RandyL on May 17, 2020, 10:09:16 pm


... the awful truth that I hurt some of  the people I love just by existing. To use a less genteel expression, it really sucks.

Randi dear, don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, we can cause pain in others, but the love and caring outweighs that in most cases... And surely in yours.

Only if somebody doesn't care about or love us can the pain outweigh the good.

My wife finally convinced me of this after a number of suicidal ideation episodes on my part. I felt like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I felt worthless and like a drag. She showed me how she, our children, my siblings, would never recover from this.

Our existence is valuable to all whom we know and love. Hugs, Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on May 18, 2020, 06:09:20 am
Thanks Randy,

Sweetest person on Susan's is a tough competition, but you're in the mix for sure.  Very sorry you went through such a rough patch, but glad you came through it.  Hoping you and your wife keep moving forward.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on May 18, 2020, 07:25:12 am
Quote
My wife finally convinced me of this after a number of suicidal ideation episodes on my part.

Whew! I'm sure glad she convinced you and she was right.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on June 05, 2020, 09:59:14 am
Hi all to the ever dwindling Susan's population and the hardy pioneers on xxxxxxxxxxx.  It's been a while and I feel the need to babble a bit.  I had a very difficult therapy session yesterday.  Difficult because I was discussing asking for a trial separation from my wife.  It's almost unimaginable, but more and more it seems to be on the tip of my tongue, and it's killing me.  Whenever she smiles, or we exchange some pleasant trivial banter, or we get together with one or more of the children in the familiar family way, my heart just breaks knowing the storm that is coming.  It breaks multiple time a day.  And the barometric pressure just .... keeps .... dropping. The limbo of being 90 percent in the closet and 10 percent out is just killing me, and I can't see a way forward in my current environment.  Wish I could.  Wish I could believe she could change, could adapt, could love me for who I am and not who she imagines or wants me to be. But she really isn't doing any work on it at all.  It's like pulling teeth to get her to grudgingly agree to joint therapy, and on the times she has gone the sessions were very unproductive.  Yesterday I got some mail from my doctor addressed to Randi.  She came in and dropped it on the desk with a snarky comment.  Wore a very bland top recently.  Her disgust was palpable. And these are the tiniest of baby steps.  Don't feel safe or comfortable even having her see me in a nightgown. To have her gender me correctly, to see and support me walking out the door with lipstick, jewelry, feminine hair., just seems unthinkable.  And I need to do lots of that to figure out who I am, what I am in terms of gender.  Not impossible I might meander around to a pretty butchy old-person look, but it'd still be too radical for her tastes, I fear. 

And I realize anyone familiar with this thread and my earlier ones could be excused for yawning and thinking "Yes, yes, haven't we heard this a million times before?"  Certainly understandable. It has been a long, ongoing saga.  But it is feeling different, more like the alternatives have been tried and found wanting.  Just feeling more desperate I guess.  The final scene in the first Terminator movie has Sarah Conner determinedly driving into a storm.  Feeling a lot like that.  Cuz it is going to be a storm.  Cuz it is really, really, really gonna suck. I am fully anticipating the hardest times of my adult life for a while.  I fear that is the <not allowed> my path runs through. I am neither strong nor brave, and the moment is demanding of me both in abundance.  Goddess give me courage.

And on that cheery note.....

Let's turn to smaller things. 

Been dabbling a bit with twitter, especially trans twitter, picking up the occasional follower, getting trolled by the occasional TERF. Kind of interesting.  I mean, <not allowed> is going on in the UK?  That is really ground zero in the trans rights wars it seems. And it's really no-quarter-given trench warfare.  Kind of makes me wax nostalgic for the battles between feminists and men's rights advocates in my old USENET days.  Alt.feminism, soc.men.  Lot of virtual blood spilled there for no gain whatsoever. Seems quite familiar.

Electrolysis, laser: Want to get started back on beard removal.  Don't want to contact or spread the virus.  Difficult decision there. Maybe wear a mask and let her work under the chin and on the neck.  That area feels very grizzly and dysphoria-triggering, but I do so yearn to have the cheeks and area around the mouth cleared.  But can't work on that with a mask on.

Got about two weeks left at work.  I was going to retire in July but the company beat me to it and included me in the latest resource action.  Really not bad, since I get a severance package out of it. The drop in income makes the separation worse of course, but I guess there is a price to pay for waiting to transition till you have one foot in the grave.

Guess that is enough for now.  Thanks for reading.  Hoping all stay safe from the virus and political turmoil racking the states.







   
 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 05, 2020, 11:15:03 am
@randim
Dear Randi:
I really wish that I had the words to help you in your present situation but it is your personal journey to work out in the best possible way for yourself and your family. 

All I want to do now is to give you a big heartfelt HUG... and wishing you the best in your future decisions and in your journey.

As always, I am wishing you success and happiness...  here on the forums there are many like-minded members that will lend you our ears to listen and our shoulders to lean on.


HUGS and more HUGS.... 
Danielle

                  (https://i.imgur.com/paezNSC.jpg)
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: RandyL on June 05, 2020, 11:31:19 am
Hi Randi, I'm so sorry for the stress and uncertainty you are going through. I have my own difficult couples therapy session coming up soon. Sometimes sessions leave us feeling better and sometimes we feel triggered as a result. I hope your next step goes as well as possible. Hugs, Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on June 05, 2020, 12:36:50 pm
@Danielle

Thanks dear.  I wish you had some words too! But your eternal kindness and concern is a blessing and a massive help in its own right.  Thank you so much.

@RandyL

Thanks so much.  I know you have marital challenges of your own, which you are doing an admirable job handling.  I wish you and your wife continuing good fortune and happiness. You are a sweetheart.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on June 05, 2020, 10:15:54 pm
Thank you for sharing all theses things going with you Randi.
Your job coming to an end must seem surreal, soon, if not already.

If you are driving into a storm, please keep me in your comm.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on June 15, 2020, 04:48:00 pm
@Maddie

Damn.  Missed your reply.  Guess I should come here more.  Many thanks.

@world

So what's new?  Some things, for sure.  Finally had a meaningful joint therapy session that wasn't just "But my husband wants to wear a dress." The downside is that this was sparked because my wife and I have had some serious discussions about separation, and we went over that a lot and kind of left it as trying to make our current living arrangements work better. But things are quite, quite fragile.

I had thought originally the progress in therapy would be helpful, but Kristin has been decidedly up and down ever since.  Lots of silences and arctic winds blowing in the house. As part of this, I also wrote and sent a coming-out letter to my sisters-in-law.  It was well-received, but I realize it does not really convey the depths of my dysphoria or what might come down the road.  Their replies to me and Kristin were so gendered -- male pronouns and such.  I don't think it's really crossed their minds that it is a lot more than jazzed-up cross-dressing.  Though to be fair, they aren't really up to speed on trans issues.  I'm sure they don't know how much they don't know. And part of that is that I have been so reluctant to step up and claim a female identity and ask to be treated as a transwoman and be referred to with female pronouns and such. It's just so hard for me.

And Kristin continues to cling to me being satisfied with androgyny like a shipwreck survivor clinging to anything that floats. I think when she thinks of me as something more femme is when the talking stops and the temperatures drop. I have even toyed with the idea of getting a dress and doing high femme just to show it to her and let her see her nightmare made flesh, even though that isn't me (really much more a tops/pants/flats kind of girl). But I do think such an action might be relationship suicide.  But maybe this is just a zombie relationship that should end anyway.  I'm sure not making her happy.  Goddess know I'm not happy.

Wasn't lying in my last post.  It hasn't started raining yet, but the clouds are ominous, and I just feel so, so stuck, so, so ugly, like I'm not making any progress, though some things are changing for sure.  I don't know.  I need to be braver and stronger than I've ever been about anything, by wide margins, and it  doesn't really come naturally to me. People-pleasing and don't rock the boat are more my style, but I don't think that is going fly here. I hate the thought of hurting anyone, but I don't know that there is a way around it.

And here I shall offer the observation I did long ago.  Who knew that being trans would help my sex life so much?  I am well and truly <not allowed>.


 

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Emma1017 on June 15, 2020, 08:20:40 pm
Randim I am sorry I haven't been here for you.  I have gotten so myopic that I forget that others have it even worse.  We both have this vulnerability that allows love and the fear of losing love win over a need that, at least for me, is unstoppable.

I have finally acknowledged, through a lot of assistance here that my need is not a choice.  It's survival and it is our right.  Our spouses have a choice.  They may not like it but at least they have one.

Gender dysphoria is a real, medical need and we should not have to justify much less apologize for something that happened before we were born.  We did not make it up.  I truly am sorry it happened.  I am truly sorry that it is forcing a difficult decision on our spouses.  It is absolutely not fair but it is better than suicide or a lifetime of repressed anger and depression.  It has taken a long time for me to come to terms and I am still not there yet.

Our spouses feel pain and have a right to be sad but we are the primary victims, they the secondary ones. 

I feel your hurt and pain.  I truly hope for both of us that all this pain is just a short term price for a lifetime of happiness.

Massive hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on June 15, 2020, 09:01:04 pm
What's a sex life ...? ;)

My unsolicited (and unmarried) opinion Randi...
I think you should do more of the tops/pants/flats GIRL thing.
Express what you are.
Now.
If you are risking relationship suicide, please don't do it over the top in a way that's not you.
You're not being dramatic.  You're being honest and real.
If you express yourself as true as possible to your heart, that is best.

The other people's pronouns may take a long time or never.  People have alot of "reality evidence" and interpersonal history tipping their scales to their default reality.  Compress your expectations (meaning raise your lowest expectations and lower your highest ones).  Expecting too much too soon may be unfair. 
I think you are fair.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on June 15, 2020, 09:46:35 pm
@Emma

Thanks Emma. You are very kind. And it truly isn’t a choice, unless it’s a choice between existing and living. The heart wants what it wants. Insatiable little thing it seems. Getting more interesting. Kristin has forwarded the coming out letter to a number of her friends. Said I wanted out of the closet. Careful what you wish for. 🙃

I know you’ve agonized over this forever. I so hope you can move past that. It’s not a way to live. A word of warning though, these roads can lead through the fire. May that not be the case for you.

Massive hugs and love to you Sis.

@Maddie

Wow. That’s a lot of wisdom there. And you’re right. I need to be real. Truthfully, I think being real risks relationship suicide just fine without any added drama.

Pronouns and honorifics don’t mean that much to me right now, though I do realize I am noticing it more.  I am pretty undemanding there. And believe me, my expectations for how I will be received are low. Probably too low. Hope so.

Realize I’ve drifted away from the boards some. Hope you are doing well. Last I heard you had quite a lot on your plate. I’m pulling for you girl. Many thanks.

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: RandyL on June 15, 2020, 10:56:30 pm


... Getting more interesting. Kristin has forwarded the coming out letter to a number of her friends. Said I wanted out of the closet. Careful what you wish for.

That's basically what happened to me. My wife needed support from family and friends, so I said go ahead and tell anybody you want to. Kind of freeing...

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Jenny_Oh on June 16, 2020, 12:29:52 am
The heart wants what it wants. Insatiable little thing it seems.

There are many ways to look at this question which often gets misinterpreted as selfishness.

My personal philosophy is one of authenticity, that to act otherwise is bad faith. You can excuse lying to other people, but lying to yourself is the worst form of deception that just leads to misery (just go to any AA meeting  ;D ).

Another way to look at it is that we are often told to "Love your neighbor as yourself", which implies that self-love is a necessary step before we can love others.

In other words, it is essential to be true to yourself, to love yourself for who you are, trans queer or cis, straight bi or gay. Only then can you completely love those around you and be fully there for them. Far from being selfish, transition is an act of love.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on June 16, 2020, 09:09:44 am
@RandyL

That is what I told her two years ago, and she has confided to a couple of close friends, but never to her sisters and such a wider audience.  I'm still processing that.  Her sisters have responded with extremely loving and supportive letters.  Quite touching actually.  They are very kind and decent.

@Jenny_Oh

I agree with that sentiment completely. Sometimes though, things can't be advantageous for both parties. Or at least it feels that way.  But yes, being the best version of you is never a bad thing.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on June 16, 2020, 11:16:37 am
Quote
Kristin has forwarded the coming out letter to a number of her friends.

I spent two years studying and teaching power dynamics in groups and after a couple raped friends confided what had been done to them and how the gossiping their rapes triggered felt like further violation, I spent time thinking about why rape and gossip can register as emotionally similar. Here's what I concluded:

Both involve penetration of intimate space. The rapist almost always targets the crotch and the gossip frequently does. Both happen without consent. Both rapists and gossips can pretend that they've achieved an intimacy with their victims. Both acts are about exerting control over another person.

My point is that gossip is often a deal breaker for me. I have ended relationships over gossip. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on June 16, 2020, 11:36:02 am
She had my permission to forward it, and the people she sent it to are very close friends.  I don't mind.  I am sick of walking around my great secret like I have all my life. It is kind of scary though.  What will they think of me?  What will they think of me if/when they see me dressed? I guess we'll find out.

And you know, it would be tough to keep this in total confidence.  Let's face it, this is plenty juicy.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Wendi on June 16, 2020, 12:19:42 pm
She had my permission to forward it, and the people she sent it to are very close friends.  I don't mind.  I am sick of walking around my great secret like I have all my life. It is kind of scary though.  What will they think of me?  What will they think of me if/when they see me dressed? I guess we'll find out.

And you know, it would be tough to keep this in total confidence.  Let's face it, this is plenty juicy.
I found it rewarding once I told people as did my  wife. It was easier for me to go out dressed as I felt liberated.

Sent from my SM-G986U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on June 16, 2020, 12:25:47 pm
I hope it works out that way.  The real drawback will be feeling comfortable around my wife.  She ain't at all happy with it. But yes, it does feel like a relief.  My sisters-in-law sent me lovely, supportive emails.  Whether they will feel the same when they actually see me dressed is still to be answered.  It's a lot easier to be supportive in the abstract.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: RandyL on June 16, 2020, 01:27:36 pm


...What will they think of me?  What will they think of me if/when they see me dressed? I guess we'll find out...
This can produce some moments that you just have to laugh about.

Several years ago before I was out to anybody besides my wife, we went for a hike. I was wearing a wig and a bra (this was before doing this became sensitive to my wife). We encountered an old friend from our parenting years some 25 years in the past. The friend couldn't figure out who I was and tried guessing our son's name. I corrected her, no it's me, but without explanation. My wife thought it was rude not to explain, but I wasn't up to that yet. I still giggle a bit wondering what that friend thought of me, rude as I may be.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Wendi on June 16, 2020, 02:42:23 pm
This can produce some moments that you just have to laugh about.

Several years ago before I was out to anybody besides my wife, we went for a hike. I was wearing a wig and a bra (this was before doing this became sensitive to my wife). We encountered an old friend from our parenting years some 25 years in the past. The friend couldn't figure out who I was and tried guessing our son's name. I corrected her, no it's me, but without explanation. My wife thought it was rude not to explain, but I wasn't up to that yet. I still giggle a bit wondering what that friend thought of me, rude as I may be.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
I don't think that was rude. Obviously they noticed a huge difference.

When and if you feel like divulging information you can.

Sent from my SM-G986U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on June 16, 2020, 09:10:13 pm
I found it rewarding once I told people as did my  wife. It was easier for me to go out dressed as I felt liberated.

Sent from my SM-G986U using Tapatalk

Randi, Wendi has a great point. A big part of spouses lack of acceptance comes from the fear they will be embarrassed by other people Looking down upon you both. My wife was so much like this, last Xmas she said she would never be seen with me outside our home, but when I didn’t get any negative reactions, she softened. Late January we went on a driving holiday in another state for 10 days, and near the end of that trip, I asked her how she was going with my appearance as a woman through this time, and she was confused for a few seconds, and admitted she hadn’t been conscious of my appearance for most of that time. She has since softened more and was not unduly worried when we were with her friends. Because I am not being ridiculed in public as she expected, a great deal of her resistance to being with me in public has gone.

The more people who see you and support you, the less grounds she will have for her fears.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: davina61 on June 17, 2020, 02:56:06 am
the reason my ex kicked me out, her embarrassment or perceived embarrassment anyway. Lately she has been treating me normally !! Take it small steps at a time and when she sees no one is throwing stones I am sure she will come round.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Emma1017 on June 17, 2020, 07:41:54 am
I think my wife will follow Davina and Allie's spouses, I will have to leave.  The shock of seeing me dressed female will be too much for my wife to tolerate and I know that she is vulnerable to outside opinion.  I hope that once the personal and public shock is over that we can reconcile.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on June 17, 2020, 08:50:34 am
@RandyL @Wendi

Hard to imagine anybody not id'ing me off the jump, but who knows?  It is true that hair *really* changes things.  :D

@Allie @davina61

You may be right.  Certainly, as trans, it made a huge difference to me to see that sky did not, in fact, fall because I stepped out of the house dressed.  Maybe Kristin will find her fears wildly exaggerated but we'll see.  I hope so, but this is still very much in the air. I mentioned that Kristin had forwarded my coming out letter to some of her friends.  One of the them shared it with her husband, and he called me last night to offer support.  Very touching actually.  During our conversation we discussed a former fraternity brother of his who had transitioned, and started a relationship with a woman afterwards.  So we were talking and I say something like many couples adapt and consider it a sort of lesbian relationship.  Kristin heard snatches and afterwards was vehement in saying we were not in a lesbian relationship and I was not a woman and she wasn't calling me "she." So, let's just say, there are still miles to go here.

@Emma

I have long believed this was what you thought, and the source of your reluctance to share much with your wife.  It is a rational, understandable concern.  I would encourage you though, to not just present Emma to her as a fait accompli. Consider this analogy.  Marriage as a contact.  Transitioning presents a major rewrite of that contract.  She will be less willing to agree to it if you just present it to her for her signature than if she has input into the rewrite.

Now, this is part of the thinking why I have gone so slow and been willing to try androgyny so much.  But it has not been wildly successful! So, obviously I am really not one to be offering advice.  But I do think you have a better chance of staying together the sooner she is involved in the process. I do understand though, this is as deep and personal as it gets so maybe there isn't much that can be done about the rewrite. Only you can say.

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Oldandcreaky on June 17, 2020, 10:14:04 am
Quote
Marriage as a contact.  Transitioning presents a major rewrite of that contract.  She will be less willing to agree to it if you just present it to her for her signature than if she has input into the rewrite.

Such sagacity.

On a different note, I am saddened to read about how many wives fear the loss of status. Even it were to happen, their vows must not have included "for worse" and "for poorer."
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on July 10, 2020, 01:56:10 pm
Hi all, Haven't been by in a while.  Felt the need to ramble a bit.

Things continue to be .... interesting .... at home. Kristin and I spent a week at the coast with a couple that had received my coming out letter but the topic never came up.  Guess it is up to me to break the ice on that, but it's awkward and difficult to bring up.  Of course, I was in boy mode mostly so that was a factor.

I kind of stay in an andro mode most of the time now (lots of women's shorts and sandals and unisex tees) but I have started to push it a bit more without bad results (wearing some femme tops, using a purse some) and Kristin has made noises that it wouldn't bother her if I shaved my legs.  Think I will have to take her up on that.  She is making an effort to avoid the "pops" language that bothers me (though she ain't anywhere near using female pronouns for me or gendering me as female).  Starting to feel like I *need* some new clothes because I can actually wear them now.  So it feels like there is some progress, howbeit agonizingly slow.  And I don't know.  I think there are plenty of lines that if crossed will lead to domestic strife.  It's still an open question to me how far I have to go in my transition, and just how safe my environment really is.  But life is for learning, as the song says.

Really tired of the virus.  It has put beard removal on hold for me.  I am in a high-risk demographic, as it Kristin, and those types of services are quite iffy. If it were just me I would risk it, but it doesn't feel right to put her at risk also. And the support group I was attending has not met in months.  I think we may try to get together outside somewhere next scheduled time if the weather is good.

Been spending a lot of time on twitter lately.  Interesting platform.  So huge, and many trans people on it.  But most of them so much younger. It is certainly interesting.  I haven't stuck my nose in the TERF wars much, but man, are they raging.  Real internet trench fighting.  Unsurprisingly, not many are having their minds changed.  :laugh:

If anyone has not watched Disclosure yet, I highly recommend it, though it is quite painful at times.  There is one interview with a trans women commenting on a TV show featuring parents of trans children that absolutely had me in tears.  Which, btw, is no mean feat, estrogen or no. It is good.

Hope everyone is staying safe and healthy.  These are not normal times, and boy do I wish they were.









Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on July 10, 2020, 02:21:44 pm
Hi Randi :)

So much uncertainty yes!

Glad you are making progress with your clothes at home.  Hope you can keep stepping it up
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Emma1017 on July 10, 2020, 02:47:36 pm
Randi I am with you, slow and steady with transitioning. Really no choice during the pandemic. It gives our spouses more time to process.

Stay well and safe,

Emma
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on July 10, 2020, 04:21:37 pm
@Maddie

Thanks.  Realize I've been MIA from the boards for a while.  Hope things are going OK for you.  Really pulling for you to find the end of the rainbow.  Much love sis.

@Emma

Thanks.  Don't know if I what I'm doing is wise or foolish.  Just putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where the road leads.  Don't know where it does, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't lead back to the closet.  I know you agonize over all this as much as anyone ever has.  I hope you are able to find peace and happiness and can keep your relationship with your beloved. Big hugs to you dear.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 12, 2020, 10:45:10 pm
@randim
Dear Randi:
Where have you been??? ... you have not posted on your thread/blog for over a month now.   I am aware that you are always very active around the other various threads on the Forums but you have not been keeping me and the rest of your followers updated on your own thread.

I have found out from a reliable source that it is your BIRTHDAY on August 13 .. Thursday !!!!

Wishing you
....a very :icon_flower: :icon_flower: Happy Birthday :icon_flower: :icon_flower:

***NOTE: On your birthday be certain to check your profile for a special birthday surprise! :)

I hope that your special day includes time with family and friends...
... and with  Candles and CAKE.


HUGS and best wishes on your special day and birthday.
Danielle
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: davina61 on August 13, 2020, 02:32:19 am
Happy birthday dear, may the next year bring you good fortune
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Maddie on August 13, 2020, 10:19:04 am
Happy birthday Randi.
Miss you too
Have a great day
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on August 13, 2020, 02:00:18 pm
Thanks all for the well wishes.  Still here from time to time.  Not blogging much because so much seems repetitive.  Still struggling with marital problems, though maybe some progress there.  We'll see. Definitely some transition-related problems due to the pandemic. Beard removal, makeovers, ear piercings are kind of on hold.

Feel like I'm expanding the  boundaries at home a bit.  But is it enough?  I just don't know.  I do seem to be getting a lot more comfortable mixing and matching from the gender racks, but do want the option to lean heavily towards the femme end when the spirit moves me.  All my male underwear is tossed, and that's a good feeling.  Need to start scrapping some other stuff.  Not really wearing much that isn't off the women's rack these days, though a lot of it is very low-key. That seems like progress.

Some physical changes still happening. [tmi]Have discovered the dry orgasm.[/tmi]  Definitely not in Kansas anymore!  But I like it.  Feels a lot less masculine and more feminine. It would be nice if HRT would have more impact on this masc face.  Maybe with time.

Pondering what will feel like and constitute real progress.  I think getting to a point where I can do hair (even if it's a wig)  and makeup without reservation regularly would definitely feel like progress.  Incorporating jewelry into day-to-day life. Getting really comfortable doing business close to home en femme would definitely be.  I am carrying a purse a lot these days but often leave it at home if I'm going to the drugstore or grocery store close to the house. I need to get over that.

Just gotta start living it more I think. 
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on August 13, 2020, 02:03:13 pm
Happy birthday Randi.
Miss you too
Have a great day

Thanks Maddie!  Hope life is agreeing with you.  When last I heard, you were exploring some significant changes. I hope that is going well for you.  You definitely deserve it.
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: RandyL on August 13, 2020, 02:04:46 pm
Happy birthday, Randi!
Love, Randy

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: randim on August 13, 2020, 03:01:55 pm
Thanks Randy!  I mean, the name alone ....
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Emma1017 on August 13, 2020, 03:15:05 pm
A very Happy Birthday Randi!  I hope you have an excellent day!!!!
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 13, 2020, 07:48:22 pm
I hope you have a wonderful BIRTHDAY! Randi!!

Lots of Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Randi's transition (in)decision
Post by: Confused1 on August 13, 2020, 09:59:24 pm
Happy Birthday Randi!

Hope it was a great one!

Confused1