Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Blogs => Member Blogs => Topic started by: KateR on September 27, 2018, 02:29:23 pm

Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 27, 2018, 02:29:23 pm
If you look at my introduction, you’ll see I recently reached the point where I’m out of options and have to transition. 

My feelings today, are actually feelings of peace. 

I, Katherine Jannell, (Kate for short) have been suppressed for over 55 years.  Recently, I’ve been able to start living free!!!!

Today was my first day in public as me!!!! (As close as we’re going right now since I have short grey hair.....)

I went out in public with my FeLiNa intimate wear, my Vera Wang ‘Simply Vera’ boot cut jeans, my LifeStride Wedge Sandals and my 38mm Apple Watch with the chain band with rhinestones on the links adjacent to the watch.

I went to my therapist’s office and dropped off my new client paperwork (my first appointment is next Tuesday), went to Kohl’s picked up an order and shopped a bit, and stopped by the liquor store/Gas Station, filled up my truck with diesel, and bought 2 different bottles of bourbon.

At Kohl’s, the wonderful lady working at customer service, I think, recognized me.  Two weeks ago, she assumed I was picking up an order for my wife.  Today, I think she recognized I WAS wearing the  Vera Wang jeans I had previously picked up.  Today she was Gender Nuetral with me.  (Picked up some Leggings).

At the liquor store, there was another customer who looked at me a bit.  He seemed to notice my Life Stride Wedge sandals.  He was in line to check out slightly before me.  We both were purchasing bourbon.  My family is from bourbon country, and we started talking bourbon.  It was a very pleasant conversation.

If he noted anything feminine, he treated me with respect.  I didn’t advertise, and he didn’t comment.  At this point, less than a month into my transition, I’m incredibly happy with that.

It’s been an incredible day for me, Kate, as I start this journey.


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 27, 2018, 02:59:04 pm
@jkredman
Dear Kate:
It is wonderful that you started your own transition thread to document your transition journey and to make note of benchmark moments that you feel free to share.

Everyone here on the Forums that is transitioning or has transitioned fully understands what you are going through and can identify with many of the things that you may share.   

In addition to your transition thread here, I would also recommend that you keep a personal journal that is for your eyes only.   I personally keep an old-school pen and paper journal complete with colorful doodling.   
These kinds of things are good therapy and can be an excellent way to write down your successes and to vent your frustrations and disappointments.  So many times when I am going through my own difficulties, just the action of writing about it can help me to process my thoughts and often it helps me to formulate solutions.    It also makes for some good personal reading and review on a rainy or cold night while sitting in a comfortable chair in front of the fireplace.

Reading what you have said in your first posting on your new thread and from your postings on the various threads around the forums, I trust that you can keep a positive outlook as you continue in your transition journey.

As you implied on your postings in your Introduction thread, it appears that your wife is being quite supportive to you...  you should count you blessings with that because there are many here that do not have that kind of support from spouses and immediate family members.
 
I might comment that you should certainly continue seeing your therapist as often as necessary.  I do not see in any of your 10 postings that you have started HRT.  Is that in your plan and your goals as you continue talking with your therapist???  I only say this because any drugs and meds that you may be prescribed can have bad interactions with alcohol consumption...  and perhaps cut back a little on the 2 bottles of bourbon. ;)

Again, thank you for starting your transition thread.   I will be eagerly following your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.

Wishing you well,
Danielle

Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on September 27, 2018, 04:52:02 pm
Danielle:

Thanks for chiming in.

I’m hoping that working through my therapist I can start HRT very soon and coordinate care with my existing PCP.

If that doesn’t work out, I’ve located 3 clinics within 100 or so miles of my home that provide hormones based on informed consent.

I’ve been on the antidepressant, SSRI, drugs for 25 years.  All I’ve ever gotten from them is the side effects.  They never touched my dysphoria. My issues were never about ‘serotonin re-uptake.’

The alcohol consumption was really good at putting me, Kate, to sleep.   It took the edge off of Keith.  Keith understands it’s sending us both to an early grave.  Now that Keith has made peace with me, and has agreed to let me flourish, it’s naturally dropping.  We go days now without any alcohol.

Again thanks for your loving comments.

Kate


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 01, 2018, 12:34:18 pm
Well, today I had a minor setback and what amazes me is how emotional I am about it.

My counselor's office called this morning to reschedule tomorrows first appointment until 10/16.  Yes, it's only two weeks but I find myself back in the feeling of deep despair.  Two more weeks of imprisonment.

Then to add insult to injury the young lady that called misgendered me.

Ouch
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 01, 2018, 01:34:17 pm
Well, today I had a minor setback and what amazes me is how emotional I am about it.

My counselor's office called this morning to reschedule tomorrows first appointment until 10/16.  Yes, it's only two weeks but I find myself back in the feeling of deep despair.  Two more weeks of imprisonment.

Then to add insult to injury the young lady that called misgendered me.

Ouch

@jkredman
Dear Katie:
Hang in there girl, compared to the setbacks and changed/delayed appointments that some others experience, 2 weeks is nothing in comparison but I can understand your disappointment and frustration with it all.... and coupled with that was that you were also mis-gendered by your counselor's staff.   When you meet with your counselor you should be certain to mention that unpleasant event, there is no excuse for it particularly coming from the therapist's office that will be counseling you for gender issues.... no excuse for it happening.!!!!!

Do me (and you) a big favor and please keep the lids on tight on the 2 bottles of bourbon that we discussed several days ago.   Not a good plan to drown your disappointments with that sort of thing, you want to keep a clear head.

Hugs and well wishes to you,
Danielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 01, 2018, 04:18:56 pm
Danielle:

Thank You!

Hugs & best wishes back to you!
Katie


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Laurie on October 01, 2018, 05:47:50 pm
Hi Kate,

  It sounds to me like you are ready to start this journey. Well Hun, you have already. It matters not that you haven't talked to the therapist yet. You started when you first realized you were transgender. Talking to doctors and therapist are but steps towards your goal. I'm proud that you have taken the step to talk to someone about it. The time will pass and soon you will be face to face with the therapist. I only took me 64 years to take that step. so you are doing fine, Kate.
  I will say one thing in regard to your drinking. That is "There is no problem that alcohol cannot make worse" I say that as a recovering alcoholic. Shortly it will be 20 years sinse I had my last drink. I still say recovering because I have had times when I was ready to say "To hell with it" and start drinking again. The last time was when I was told for the second time that I was going to die in just a few months. I though "What the hell, it doesn't matter I am going to die anyway" But I didn't and that was 4 years ago. Now I am glad I didn't. Things in life can get difficult but drinking to make them go away doesn't work.
  Just hang in there girl.

Hugs ,
  Laurie
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 03, 2018, 06:02:13 am
Yesterday, I had my minor setback with the reschedule of my counseling appointment.  As I noted, it didn’t really make sense why I was so emotional about it.

I have to add that last night (Monday night), when I was going to bed, I broke down bawling....

Tonight (Tuesday night), I woke up at 2 AM and have been unable to go back to sleep.

It is now 6 AM, Wednesday, as I post this.


My thoughts are that I am most definitely a DES Daughter.  (Are there really any DES Sons?). For 8 months, that synthetic female hormone flooded my infant body.  Then on August 6, 1960, after 8 months of gestation, it abruptly stopped.

Is my head & heart begging for what it knew at the beginning of life?  Is that why it’s so important to me to start HRT?

My counseling appointment is set for 10/16.  I have a backup plan with an appointment at Planned Parenthood for informed consent HRT on 10/18.

I want off the antidepressants (which have never done anything for me other than the side effects) and to return this body to what I think it’s been missing and craving all these years.

It may be weird, but that’s where my sleep deprived thoughts are.

Kate


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Gabrielle66 on October 03, 2018, 12:55:08 pm
Yesterday, I had my minor setback with the reschedule of my counseling appointment.  As I noted, it didn’t really make sense why I was so emotional about it.

I have to add that last night (Monday night), when I was going to bed, I broke down bawling....

Tonight (Tuesday night), I woke up at 2 AM and have been unable to go back to sleep.

It is now 6 AM, Wednesday, as I post this.


My thoughts are that I am most definitely a DES Daughter.  (Are there really any DES Sons?). For 8 months, that synthetic female hormone flooded my infant body.  Then on August 6, 1960, after 8 months of gestation, it abruptly stopped.

Is my head & heart begging for what it knew at the beginning of life?  Is that why it’s so important to me to start HRT?

My counseling appointment is set for 10/16.  I have a backup plan with an appointment at Planned Parenthood for informed consent HRT on 10/18.

I want off the antidepressants (which have never done anything for me other than the side effects) and to return this body to what I think it’s been missing and craving all these years.

It may be weird, but that’s where my sleep deprived thoughts are.

Kate


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Kate,

That's not weird at all. I am wondering about this one myself. I was born in 1966 and my Mom had a previous still birth before I was conceived. I have not asked her about his but she may not even recall at this point one way or another. It's kind of unsettling to think that a drug could have caused my gender identity confusion. No matter what the cause is, I get where you are at. I have my own new appointment on Friday with my new therapist. We are going to talk about an HRT timeline among other topics. Like you, I am starting to have real problems sleeping at all. I am very emotional about it all. It's hard not to cry at night before I go to sleep. If you ever need somebody to talk to about all of your struggles. I am here. I hope only the very best things for you. I do truly hope that HRT and wherever your transition takes you are the cure for what ails you. Love and faith to you Kate.

Gabrielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: pamelatransuk on October 04, 2018, 04:04:50 am
Hello again Kate and Gabrielle

I note you were born in 1960 and 1966 respectively whereas I was a little earlier born in 1955.

I know exactly how you feel. I have known since 1959 that I am trans but managed to bury and suppress so many times  but in 2016 I was unable to rebury as it had become so dominant and last year I started therapy followed by HRT in February 2018. I know both have benefitted me.

I wish you both future happiness and to you Kate I hope all goes well on October 16th.

Hugs

Pamela
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 07, 2018, 09:50:37 pm
God, I hate my life!


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 16, 2018, 07:26:40 pm
Today I met my “Transition Coach!!!!”.

Happiest I’ve been in a long, long, time!!!!

We’ll speak again next week.  Hurray!!!!




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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Gabrielle66 on October 16, 2018, 10:56:25 pm
Today I met my “Transition Coach!!!!”.

Happiest I’ve been in a long, long, time!!!!

We’ll speak again next week.  Hurray!!!!




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Kate,

That’s so much more positive than your last post. I’m happy to see you more positive again. The upbeat lady fits you so much better. So is your transition coach your therapist? Love and faith.

Gabrielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 16, 2018, 11:10:35 pm
Today I met my “Transition Coach!!!!”.

Happiest I’ve been in a long, long, time!!!!

We’ll speak again next week.  Hurray!!!!



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@jkredman
Wow, this is really great news...
....being positive and happy is so much better for you physically and mentally than the alternative.

Keep the good reports coming, I will be eagerly following your thread to check up on you.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 17, 2018, 12:07:44 am
Kate,

That’s so much more positive than your last post. I’m happy to see you more positive again. The upbeat lady fits you so much better. So is your transition coach your therapist? Love and faith.

Gabrielle

So I live very close to the Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas border in Oklahoma.  This is Kansas City Chiefs country.

So she described her role as that of Andy Reed, the Chiefs Head Coach, and my role as that of Tyreek Hill the Chiefs Wide Receiver.  My therapist is my Head Coach she’ll help guide me; as the Wide Receiver, I have to do the work to be successful.  I can relate.

Yes today has been one of the happiest days of my life!!!!



I’ll try not to be so emotional the next time I’m in that feeling of despair.

Kate


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Title: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 17, 2018, 12:23:01 am
Well, today I had a minor setback and what amazes me is how emotional I am about it.

My counselor's office called this morning to reschedule tomorrows first appointment until 10/16.  Yes, it's only two weeks but I find myself back in the feeling of deep despair.  Two more weeks of imprisonment.

Then to add insult to injury the young lady that called misgendered me.

Ouch

One other side note - I didn’t bring up the issue of the misgendering when my first appointment got rescheduled. 

The reschedule did come up briefly during our conversation today.

At the end of our conversation, my ‘Transition Coach’ volunteered that even though the insurance and legal paperwork still reflects my male name, she was going to coach / remind her team that I am a woman.  I am now Kate (Katherine Jannell) to them.



I started crying at that point. 

(probably the 4th or 5th time I had tears welling up during the conversation.)


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 17, 2018, 12:37:25 am
One other side note - I didn’t bring up the issue of the misgendering when my first appointment got rescheduled. 

The reschedule did come up briefly during our conversation today.

At the end of our conversation, my ‘Transition Coach’ volunteered that even though the insurance and legal paperwork still reflects my male name, she was going to coach / remind her team that I am a woman.  I am now Kate (Katherine Jannell) to them.



I started crying at that point. 

(probably the 4th or 5th time I had tears welling up during the conversation.)


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@jkredman
Dear Katherine Jannell:   
I figured that you might like to see your full name written out.
You are still posting with wonderful and good news...  this is all very exciting for sure.

Wow, your Transition Coach is a real gem and seemingly and seriously cares for your feelings.
You found a good one for sure.

Keep your updates coming... if they are good news we will rejoice with you, if they are not so good news we will support you with our thought and hugs and listen to your description of your feelings and offer out shoulders for you to lean on or cry on.   We are your biggest fans.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Gabrielle66 on October 17, 2018, 12:41:39 am
One other side note - I didn’t bring up the issue of the misgendering when my first appointment got rescheduled. 

The reschedule did come up briefly during our conversation today.

At the end of our conversation, my ‘Transition Coach’ volunteered that even though the insurance and legal paperwork still reflects my male name, she was going to coach / remind her team that I am a woman.  I am now Kate (Katherine Jannell) to them.



I started crying at that point. 

(probably the 4th or 5th time I had tears welling up during the conversation.)


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You go Kate! All except for that Chiefs thing. Long suffering Chargers fan here. It’s awesome that you appear to have found an amazing therapist that completely understands what you need and only wants to help you achieve it. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: pamelatransuk on October 17, 2018, 05:37:03 am
Hello again Kate

I am so happy that your rescheduled appointment went ahead yesterday and that it was such a success which has given you such a fantastic boost. Glad also that the team will be advised (without your prompting) to gender you correctly.

Congratulations. What a wonderful day and what a wonderful therapist you have!

Hugs

Pamela
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 17, 2018, 04:34:26 pm
I'm thinking I need to rename this thread.   Also thinking I need to post a lone male picture for posterities sake:



Struggling a bit with my wife today.  She's noted I've pulled away some.  I tried to explain I'm scared of her at the moment.

I'm waiting for the blow up where I'm unfair, and 'for better or worse' didn't include me deceiving her (her words a few days after I came out).

Side note,  I realized keeping secrets about how screwed up I was/am made it easier to maintain my security clearances, at a much younger age, when I needed to.

My "Transition Coach's" office as a counselor that specializes in couples counseling and would also counsel my wife individually.  Today I'm thinking we're going to be taking advantage of those options.

Yesterday, my coach & I



On a positive note, the 3 skirts I bought were delivered today.  They fit perfect, are the right length; just above my knees, and I especially like the red one.

Now to find tops.
Kate


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 17, 2018, 04:49:31 pm
@jkredman
Dear Kate:
Thank you for posting your update....

I am trusting that you and your wife can come to an amicable agreement of mutual acceptance.
Regarding your counseling options, certainly individual counseling is beneficial for both you and your wife, BUT also you might want to consider couples counseling with you and your wife together discussing both of your issues with your the counselor.

Regarding your transition thread, you can rename it by sending me a Private Message with your desires and I will get the ball rolling for you....

You can post a picture on your thread and/or post a picture on your Avatar so anyone that looks at your posting and comments on various threads will see you picture.... obviously all of this is entirely your choice.

Thank you for posting your update....
Best Wishes to you.
Danielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 17, 2018, 05:13:30 pm
On a lighter note as we've all been there.

I took this picture starting a business trip home from San Francisco.  At the time I took it, I was thinking about how I don't like airplanes.

Today, I look at this and think about myself....
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181017/a685f14bff58aa6ad5203165d889ffe6.jpg)

Hopefully I've opened my pressure relief valve.


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 19, 2018, 05:59:36 pm
Been kind a rough couple of days:

That said here is my transition song:

https://youtu.be/YVVTZgwYwVo




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Title: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 20, 2018, 10:02:11 am
OK for posterity's sake.

Warning:  I'm not responsible for any broken display screens!!!

Pre HRT photos.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181020/8cef9178c646994801e7288c65813658.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181020/5a55196e226e5f0b8b7b8b655eceae81.jpg)

OK hormones, I'm ready!


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 20, 2018, 12:10:06 pm
Again, not responsible for breaking displays.

Here's a photo of an AMAB golf shirt with my new skirt.


(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181020/dea6e64bf642657a29409fb3cdd1c486.jpg)

Hopefully a year or so from now I'll look a lot more like Kate.


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on October 20, 2018, 12:15:32 pm
One other note;  just bought a couple blouses.  Hopefully they look better with my skirts  than this golf shirt.

And today has been quite fun and relaxing.  I like how below the neck looks.  Now I just need to fix my face....

I'm thinking a year or so on hormones and then start looking into FFS.   Also by then I should also have some nice hair.


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on December 21, 2018, 09:15:51 pm
OK going to do some updating here.

After the go round with legislating us out of existence, seeing how we started denigrating each other as if we were members of congress and getting kicked off for a month because I expressed extreme anger at the moderators because they wanted to take my change.org petition links off the site so they could start their own;  I will make one simple comment.

I saw an endo on 12/10.  I got my HRT script.  YEAH!!!!  Then I went to fill it which turned into a nightmare between a Pharmacy that didn’t have it in stock, (but didn’t initially tell me) and my insurance company wanting me to use Caremark mail order......

After an almost 2 week delay I got the hormones today - MY BESTEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER....


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on December 24, 2018, 10:19:37 pm
It’s after 10 PM on Christmas Eve.  We’ve sung one Mass with one more to do in the morning.  Our guests have left.  Our home is cleaned up.  My loving wife has decided to go to bed; and I’m sitting here, listening to Celtic Christmas Music with a deep, deep feeling of peace.

I don’t know if it’s the hopium or the hormones, but for the first time in all my years I truly feel all is well!

When I accepted the fact that I have always been Gender Dysphoric / <not allowed>, and started this transition; I had a vision of a stately & elegant older woman.  This night, the vision is less important to me than the peace I now have.

I don’t know where my transition journey will lead me.  I do know I’m finally finding peace with myself.  That is all I ever wanted.

Merry Christmas!

Kate


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: ChrissyRyan on December 25, 2018, 05:34:00 am
Kate,

Merry Christmas.

May you have more peaceful, tranquil feelings!   :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Anjanette Miranda on December 25, 2018, 06:00:34 am
Kate

Have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful next year.

AJ
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on January 07, 2019, 10:47:57 pm
Been on HRT for almost a month now.

Left breast first; but now both are sensitive to touch.  Tonight I noticed left nipple area is getting really firm.

Call me crazy, but I’m excited puberty is finally starting!!!  (only about 45 years late...)


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Stevi on January 08, 2019, 11:35:25 am
Go girls!  All three of you.  No slackers, now.
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on January 25, 2019, 04:10:55 am
It’s 3:07 AM CST. Not sure what, or how to post this.

I’ve reached the point where I have to exit a 25 year relationship.

She’s not leaving me - I need to leave her.

Too many lies.  3 years of infidelity.  Bottom line is the hormones & Spiro won’t let me repress it / compartmentalize it any more.

Biggest problem at the moment:  I don’t know where to go.


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on February 05, 2019, 08:27:32 pm
3 months of hormones...

My hips are becoming very tight in my old male jeans, my young breasts are sensitive to every rub of a bra, sports bra or camisole, and are starting to hang out of a 42B bra.

It's exciting and a nuisance.

Now if my hair would grow out faster I could possibly start experiencing 'male fail.'

Kinda looking forward to it!

Kate


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Eva_Saskatchewatch on February 06, 2019, 02:50:17 pm
3 months of hormones...

My hips are becoming very tight in my old male jeans, my young breasts are sensitive to every rub of a bra, sports bra or camisole, and are starting to hang out of a 42B bra.

It's exciting and a nuisance.

Now if my hair would grow out faster I could possibly start experiencing 'male fail.'

Kinda looking forward to it!

Kate


That's great! Except the part about the nuisance. That sounds like a nuisance. :P

Eva
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Gabrielle66 on February 06, 2019, 07:33:45 pm
It’s 3:07 AM CST. Not sure what, or how to post this.

I’ve reached the point where I have to exit a 25 year relationship.

She’s not leaving me - I need to leave her.

Too many lies.  3 years of infidelity.  Bottom line is the hormones & Spiro won’t let me repress it / compartmentalize it any more.

Biggest problem at the moment:  I don’t know where to go.


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Kate,

I’m so sorry to hear about this. When I replied to your PM I hadn’t seen this on your thread. I hope that I didn’t rub a raw wound. I am however so happy for you in beginning your transition in earnest. Hopefully, I can join you on a similar path very soon. Take care of yourself. Just know that you can message me anytime if you need to talk. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on March 03, 2019, 06:50:09 pm
This past weekend, I attended the wedding of the oldest son of some friends of ours.

Yes my hair is longer, but I took off my earrings, put on a sports bra and my suit.  It was a wonderful ceremony.

I’m very happy for the bride & groom, but I’m very, very, happy for myself.  I cried tears of joy!!!

I love feeling.  I love my emotions.  I love being able to truly share joy, and I know I will truly share sadness.

That made the weekend all the more special!


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on March 05, 2019, 07:08:12 pm
The trouble with Climara (Estradiol)....

Is it eats away at the walls of our compartmentalizations leaving us with no choice but to grieve the pains and hurts we’ve repressed.

I was diagnosed as gender dysphoric almost 30 years ago.  I knew it was the correct diagnosis then - even though I didn’t deal with it.

I was in the middle of a divorce.  I had been left for another woman.  The Kansas courts would not consider giving my ex custody because of the relationship she left me for. If I revealed my true self there was a extremely high likelihood three beautiful girls would have ended up in foster care.  I COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

Here we are almost 30 years later and a long term family joke about burned Hamburger Helper causes a total emotional break down.

Yes, when I was a single parent, preparing Hamburger Helper for dinner was interrupted; and  yes it burned.

30 years ago I sold my soul to protect my daughters.  Today, I’m having to grieve and cry the pain associated with that decision.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t regret it.  I just have to finally shed those tears.

At this moment in time, Climara (Estradiol) sucks....





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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on March 05, 2019, 11:00:46 pm
Physical pain hurts less than emotional pain.   Isn’t that somewhat perverted?


OK it’s my day for some pain.

In addition to the grieving I posted about earlier I’ve had a very sore calf muscle for a couple of days now.  It’s so bad I’m walking with a noticeable limp.  Advil isn’t touching it.

My wife suggested I get in our whirlpool bath.  I rejected it immediately. 

I explained the physical pain of my calf, while a nuisance, is less intense then the emotional pain of my life prior to HRT.   I’m not going to mess with my patches.  I wear them Sunday through Saturday and it is too early in the week to risk one coming off.  Friday evening, Saturday; probably a different story.

Thinking about it afterwards it seems most people would think it a bit perverted.  However, I know most people don’t know what it feels like to sell your soul for some social norm that I/we never fit into.

From the for-what-it’s-worth department.

Kate







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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on March 12, 2019, 11:09:26 pm
It’s been a up and down several days.

Last Thursday, Patty & I were packing for a 3 & 1/2 hour trip to Kansas City to see a DCapella show.   When we started packing for our overnight trip, and we started bouncing around outfits; she asked ‘What are we “Girls” going to wear?’  I froze.  That was the first time she ever referred to me as a GIRL!!!!  It was wonderful because I felt accepted as who I really am!  It was also a moment of disbelief because I tried to hide it for over 25 years.  How could she trust me, and accept me???

The weekend, afterwards, was downhill......  (Another story...)

I didn’t ask for Gender Dysphoria.  I didn’t ask to be a Des Daughter.  My parents, and her OB/GYN, were doing the best they could based on the scientific info presented to them.  They didn’t know it was flawed. 

I didn’t one day decide I was a woman. 

It was after 55 years of fighting what I felt was having to live up to somebody else’s norm, and having the desire to escape, that I accepted my coping mechanisms were killing me, and if I didn’t accept what I was I would die in the next couple of years.


I have a follow up Endo appointment next week.  Looking at the labs from last week, the Testosterone suppression is right on target.  My Estradiol levels may still be a bit low.  That’s all for my Doctor to figure out.  My Blood Glucose levels are a bit high, but I wasn’t told I needed to be NPO for these blood tests....

I’m not complaining or asking to change anything.  I feel like a human being now vs. being a zombie on 20 years of antidepressants.

Kate


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on March 21, 2019, 10:19:22 pm
Saw my Endo on Tuesday.

Hormone levels are perfectly where they need to be.  We talked a lot about how I was feeling.  I said I found peace.  She was very happy with that. 

This evening, my spouse commented on my peacefulness...


My body has responded to HRT faster than I expected.  I definitely am developing a bust.  I also noted male jeans are getting very tight in the hip area.  She, my endo, noted the changes are becoming evident. 

She remembered, from our first appointment that I have 3 daughters, and 8 grandchildren.  She was asking me when I was going to come out to them.  I indicated I hadn’t set a timeframe.  She’s thinking the physical changes are going to force me to, soon, come out to people I hadn’t planned for yet. She thinks I need to start having those conversations now.

I’m both excited and scared.  I’m at peace, finally, with myself.  I look in the mirror and feel excitement with what I’m seeing.  Yes, Keith is dying and Kate is rising from the ashes...

Yet I thought I’d have more time to plan my coming out to my children & their families.  All the sudden I’m scared stiff.  Will they accept me, or reject me?

My next appointment with my ‘transition coach’ is Monday.

I hope we can discuss everything in 50 minutes......

I feel like I’m quickly approaching the ‘point of no return.’  I’m excited (for me) yet scared stiff!


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on April 12, 2019, 09:13:31 pm
Well between flu bugs, travel, and my transition coach moving into a new office; today was the first conversation I had with her in over 2 months.

We had a lot to talk about!!!

The best part was a discussion about my bust.

I told her of my recent complication from the flu which had me in the ER last Sunday night / Monday morning.

Any mention of chest pain gets an EKG; even though I told them my pain was in my lungs.  During the EKG, the hospital gown fell down exposing my right breast.  My wife made me cover it back up.

I told my transition coach that I guess I’m developing a bit of a bust line.

She looked at me, paused, then said:  “Hell yeah.  You’ve got boobs now.  You can’t be exposing them!”  (I then admitted I wore one of my padded bras today.)  That did lead into a conversation about feminine socialization that I need to learn and start thinking about.

The eye opener for me is that when I look in the mirror, I see small buds.  I guess when others see me, they see a woman’s bust.  It’s kind of exciting.  (Now I just need to remember it!)

Kate   


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on April 21, 2019, 08:40:11 pm
Well I guess I have boobs....

It was suggested that I probably need to think a little more about modesty.  To me there’s not much there but others see something.

Well, I get the tape measure out this evening.  The chest is still 42.  The bust is 46.

I guess I officially now have boobs....


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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on April 27, 2019, 11:07:21 pm
You know things have gotten really bad when you don't think you can trust your therapist.




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Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: KateR on May 10, 2019, 10:25:03 pm
I had fun today.

Got my hair highlighted & trimmed.   I still have several months of letting it grow out to be able to wear it like I want, but I took some years off my appearance.

This is what's really cool. 

The stylist that did my hair is the same stylist I've gone to for 15 years.  The last time she cut it was shortly after I accepted my need to transition.  My hair hadn't been touched since. 

She was the third person I came out to.  I'm her first, openly to her, trans client. 

We're growing together.  It was fun!

My next hair appointment  is in 8 weeks!


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 19, 2019, 05:23:36 pm
Not that I needed proof that the Estradiol makes me feel normal, I got it though.

Put the patches on a little too low last week.  The first one fell off Thursday night, and the second one fell off Friday Morning.  So I basically went 48 hours without the Estradiol being absorbed by my body.  (Put new patches on today like I do every Sunday.)

Well this morning I woke up and it became very apparent the dysphoria was back.  I’ve been anxious, irritated, and struggling to be civil all day.

I’m hoping this will clear up tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest and I’ll feel like myself again!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on May 19, 2019, 06:14:27 pm
Not that I needed proof that the Estradiol makes me feel normal, I got it though.

Put the patches on a little too low last week.  The first one fell off Thursday night, and the second one fell off Friday Morning.  So I basically went 48 hours without the Estradiol being absorbed by my body.  (Put new patches on today like I do every Sunday.) was

Well this morning I woke up and it became very apparent the dysphoria was back.  I’ve been anxious, irritated, and struggling to be civil all day.

I’m hoping this will clear up tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest and I’ll feel like myself again!!!!


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I just read your thread and it's inspiring. I'm glad things are going well with you. You've had good results with HRT. I hope I have similar results.

How are you and your wife doing? Have you come out to your family or any others besides the hairdresser?

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 19, 2019, 08:46:43 pm
Well It’s Memorial Day weekend and my daughters & their families will be visiting.

Gonna be talking to them this weekend.

Scared stiff, but hopeful. 

After all I was a single parent to them for almost 3 years.  I hope my oldest remembers how we got through her puberty, and my youngest remembers I was very patient with potty training.

I want to believe it was Kate / Kathryn that understood what they were dealing with even though it was their father, Keith, that was there day by day...


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on May 20, 2019, 07:26:36 pm
Well It’s Memorial Day weekend and my daughters & their families will be visiting.

Gonna be talking to them this weekend.

Scared stiff, but hopeful. 

After all I was a single parent to them for almost 3 years.  I hope my oldest remembers how we got through her puberty, and my youngest remembers I was very patient with potty training.

I want to believe it was Kate / Kathryn that understood what they were dealing with even though it was their father, Keith, that was there day by day...


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Best of luck. Praying it goes fine.

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 29, 2019, 08:13:27 pm
Best of luck. Praying it goes fine.

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Crying this evening.  Feel like I’m a half inch tall.

Had the perfect weekend to come out to my daughters. 

I let it pass.

Saturday, the 10 of us all went to see the new Aladdin movie.  In it is a scene where Aladdin wants to reneg on his promise to free Genie and asks to be a prince forever.  What follows is a conversation about truth, or living a lie.

It hit me really hard.

I’ve lived a lie all my life.  It’s not that I was trying to deceive others, but deceive myself.  Been bothered by the whole thing for 4 days now.

Choose your favorite obscenity....


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 31, 2019, 03:04:40 pm
Earlier this week I was asked to cantor a funeral for a member of our church.  The funeral was this morning.  Now that it’s over, I can’t help but think how I’m changing.

Over the years, if I wasn’t close to the family - it was a performance.  I could do it, and do it almost perfectly.  If I was close to the person and the family, I would have emotions.

Now it’s always a struggle.  I feel the grief of the family, and it affects me.

Secondly, my hair’s longer, and I have a bust, but since I haven’t come out yet to all but a very close few - I present totally male; take off my earrings, put on a white button down shirt, suit, tie, blue or black calf length socks, black dress shoes.

Kinda humorous but as I dressed this morning I realized my white lace bra was showing through my shirt a bit.  I decided from now on, when I get a call from our music director that a family has asked for a cantor, I’m going to immediately wash my white sports bra....

Did put my earrings back in when I changed back to my more feminine wardrobe.  ;-)

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: HappyMoni on June 01, 2019, 07:58:57 am

Crying this evening.  Feel like I’m a half inch tall.

Had the perfect weekend to come out to my daughters. 

I let it pass.

Saturday, the 10 of us all went to see the new Aladdin movie.  In it is a scene where Aladdin wants to reneg on his promise to free Genie and asks to be a prince forever.  What follows is a conversation about truth, or living a lie.

It hit me really hard.

I’ve lived a lie all my life.  It’s not that I was trying to deceive others, but deceive myself.  Been bothered by the whole thing for 4 days now.

Choose your favorite obscenity....


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Sweetie, this is so, so scary. Don't be too hard on yourself. You will do it. Not telling does have a price, doesn't it. The fear remains and on top of that the anxiety of not telling is added to it. It makes you feel terrible. If you know deep in your heart that you want to tell them, that you need to tell them, make an appointment with them. Tell them that you are not dying (or any other awful thoughts that might come to their minds) but tell them there is something important you need to talk to them about. Set it up. Tell them you are nervous, scared even, of their reactions. You can add that you see it as good news. Have your girls ready to hear you out. Do it one at a time or all three. You will be terrified.  They will see how important and how hard this is for you. You cannot do this without being terrified. You cannot control their reactions. You can hold your head high, present it as kindly and respectfully as you can and go from there. Oh, don't be afraid to admit your pain of having to bring this to them, but don't act like you are ruining their lives. Show your concern for them. Ask how you can help them with the news. Make it a lot about what they need. I hope it turns out as well as with my kids. My one son told me that he was very grateful for how I talked to him. Good luck Kate!
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 09, 2019, 10:06:22 pm
Sweetie, this is so, so scary. Don't be too hard on yourself. You will do it. Not telling does have a price, doesn't it. The fear remains and on top of that the anxiety of not telling is added to it. It makes you feel terrible. If you know deep in your heart that you want to tell them, that you need to tell them, make an appointment with them. Tell them that you are not dying (or any other awful thoughts that might come to their minds) but tell them there is something important you need to talk to them about. Set it up. Tell them you are nervous, scared even, of their reactions. You can add that you see it as good news. Have your girls ready to hear you out. Do it one at a time or all three. You will be terrified.  They will see how important and how hard this is for you. You cannot do this without being terrified. You cannot control their reactions. You can hold your head high, present it as kindly and respectfully as you can and go from there. Oh, don't be afraid to admit your pain of having to bring this to them, but don't act like you are ruining their lives. Show your concern for them. Ask how you can help them with the news. Make it a lot about what they need. I hope it turns out as well as with my kids. My one son told me that he was very grateful for how I talked to him. Good luck Kate!


Moni:

Thank you.

I have another opportunity with our youngest daughter this week.  It’s not the sequence i envisioned, but i think we can make it work...  (see the next post....)


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 09, 2019, 10:41:21 pm
HRT Stuff we don’t think about until it hits us upside the head...


It’s been and eye opening weekend for me. 

Background:

   Know that I’m almost 6 months on MTF HRT - AND I AINT    GOING BACK!!!  Know that I’m working to go full time late this    summer or early fall.

At 6 months I’m starting to realize some of the effects of the Estradiol and Spironolactone.

1) I fatigue easier doing things like yard work.  I mowed yesterday and trimmed the yard today.  In the Oklahoma sun, I felt hotter and more drained (physically).  So is that dehydration, from spirololactone; subcutaneous fat forming under my skin; and or the weakening of my muscles?  Go figure......

2) I cant decide how much muscle tone I’m willing to lose.  Patty & I went to the gym at are local country club for the hydro massage bed.  When she’s on the bed, I usually do some reps on the weight machines.  I noted on the leg press - in my younger years 20 reps of 400 pounds was easy peasy.  Tonight 20 reps at 305 pounds wore me out....

I don’t want to fight the feminization of my body, but having only 3 daughters, when I need help, I have to bribe them to threaten their husbands; or I have to remind my son-in-laws who they’re sleeping with (worked so far when I needed help.....). So how much physical strength can I lose and still function????

3) A bucket list item of our youngest daughter’s husband is to watch a Kansas CIty Royals game from the “Crown Seats”.  These are the first couple of row behind home plate.  As you can imagine the tickets aren’t cheap (even with a so far losing season.)

Patty & I decided I would treat my son-in-law to a night in the Royal’s Crown Seats.  That night is this Wednesday the 12th.  We pulled out my Royal’s attire this evening and realized that even under a compressing sports bra, I have a bust line.

Soooo, since we will be sitting behind home plate, and I started wondering how much is my bust going to show on TV?

Don’t care.  I’m rolling with it.  I feel so much better, emotionally, with the Estradiol I’m not going back.  It’s just one of those things that I didn’t think about until it hit me upside the head....


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on June 10, 2019, 07:46:41 am
Good luck talking to your daughters.  I understand the hesitation and the missed opportunities - it took me six months to work up the courage to tell my wife - but you will do it.

The loss of muscle strength is part of this journey.  You can minimize it by working out, but it's going to happen.  I got a shock when I picked up my chainsaw for the first time after starting HRT (I don't use it all that often).  It had put on at least 20 lbs since I had last used it! :D   I am grateful to the young clerk in the pet store who offers to carry out the 15kg bag of cat litter for me.  It actually is helpful, because the bag is bloody heavy and awkward, and the interaction gives me a chance to practice up on being gracious.

Enjoy the ball game!  If your bust is getting hard to hide, it will give you extra motivation to have the talk with your daughters.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 14, 2019, 11:22:57 am
Well went to the Royals game Wednesday night and in the 9th inning our son-in-law and I, per my wife & daughter, got a good 10 Seconds or so of TV time.  Haven't had the opportunity to see the DVR yet.  But will because I'm curious how I presented.

Important thing was the opportunity to give our son-in-law an experience he wanted to enjoy, and would never do for himself.

Happy Birthday BJ!


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 14, 2019, 11:51:12 am
You know we often get support from some of the, we believe, most unlikely people.

Because of a family history of heart disease, I've been under the care of a Cardiologist for about 6 years.

My Doctor's PA can sometimes be rather curt.

So these were the last couple people from my regular medical care team I needed to come out to.

I was fearful.

So I went in braless, knowing there would be an EKG.

We started as usual with the med review.  The second one on the list was the last antidepressant I was on.  I told him I was no longer taking it and it could be removed from the list.  Then he asked about any new medications.  I said this may surprise him and added the Spironolactone and Estradiol.

I didn't say anything about dysphoria or transitioning. I was however expecting to be questioned and had a plan for my answers.

His response.  "My brother dealt with that." And then he started referring to 'her' & 'she'.

He  asked about breast growth.  I politely confirmed yes.  This was as he was getting ready to get the EKG.  He was going to see it momentarily.

We then talked some about how I'm taking this transition day-by-day, and I have no preconceived notion of where it will end up.  (Don't get me wrong, I do have a mental image of myself post transition. But I already have what I wanted from the hormones; peace with myself.)

I then reminded him that he thinks I look like Dustin Hoffman. (I get that from time to time.) I suggested that maybe instead of Dustin Hoffman, I'll look like Tootsie.

We both laughed.

Sometimes those who we expect to be the least supportive or most critical, are some of the most understanding.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 14, 2019, 09:55:46 pm
It's been a bittersweet couple of weeks.

My spouse & I lost my transition coach.  It was SO stupid.  She was taking insurance write offs that were wrong.   I dug into the issue and found that Optim was only looking for explanations.  Yes it's the hassle of an appeal of a denied claim.  My coach decided to go private pay only. 

I was forced into early retirement and looking at $20k in insurance premiums on the year.  I gotta get some of that back. 

The bitch of the issue is that when my therapist made her decision, she broke off all communication and had her billing person deliver the message.

Yes my spouse and I have both been depressed over the issue.

On the positive said I enjoyed male fail Saturday morning.  I loved it.

So it's been a bittersweet couple of weeks.


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 27, 2019, 10:03:07 pm
MALE FAIL!!!!!

I enjoyed a weired male fail Friday evening.

We went to KC for a Granddaughter's 10th birthday party.  It was held at a bowling alley / restaurant / entertainment complex. 

Our daughter divorced our Granddaughter's father about 3 years ago.  While we maintained phone and text contact, we hadn't seen our former son-in-law in person for a good 4 or so years.  He and his new wife came to the party as well as our daughter's fiancee.

So here I am, early / mid transition, and he kinda blows right by me.   Not knowing if anything had transpired about custody or some other issue between him and our daughter that we may not know about - I just let it go.

About 20 minutes later he came to me and apologized.  He admitted he initially thought I was the mother of one of our Granddaughter's friends and didn't recognize me.

I accepted it all very graciously.  However, in my mind I filed it away as Male Fail.   I love that feeling.


In the end I don't know if I will come out to him.  I'm focusing on those closest to me.

But the common theme over the last month or so is that those who don't know seem to struggle to determine if I'm Male or Female.   Those that know me but haven't seen me for a long time are also having to look twice.  Those that I'm in regular contact with know I'm changing but, either haven't figured it out, or are being very polite.

Personally, I feel I'm making progress.  The old Keith is fading away and Kate (Kathryn) is rising, like a Phoenix, from the ashes.

Yes the moments can be a little awkward.  I have yet to face any ridicule or rejection. 

It's just every little awkward moment affirms me; Kathryn.  I exist, and I will (be able to) live true to myself and free!!!!!
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 30, 2019, 10:51:23 pm
Up here in the cold, thin air I finally can breathe
I know I left a life behind, but I'm too relieved to grieve

...

Standing frozen in the life I've chosen
You won't find me, the past is so behind me
Buried in the snow


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 02, 2019, 09:00:43 pm
Hmmmmm.  I guess the girls are going to have another growth spurt.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt definite tenderness in my breasts....


OK 2 hours later....

It’s been a while since any bump or rub results in a very intense neurological response.....

Padded bras for me!

Scary thing (sorta) It was just a couple of months ago I replaced my original bras.  Not looking forward to replacing my current bras. (Well, yes I’m good with it!). It’s just those dang things are expensive.  :-/

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 05, 2019, 11:01:26 am
Today. Celebrating another male fail! 


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Faith on August 05, 2019, 11:03:12 am
YAY!  .. where's my thumbs up emoji? I can't find it
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 05, 2019, 10:41:14 pm
Been quite a day...

Had to go to a local hospital for a diagnostic test.  I definitely confused them?  After I signed in for the outpatient admissions they struggled to find me.  They had a AMAB legal name but a gender neutral / Woman in the waiting area.

It made for several apologies.

This evening I got into a text message conversation with my youngest daughter. 

If your not keeping up, the stock markets are about 10% down since Wednesday.  It's not that big of a deal but those assets are paying  the medical expenses of my transition!!!!

We got into a conversation about the importance of risk management - which led to a conversation about my transition coach dropping me because insurance issues (failure to manage risk when she expanded her practice) - which lead finally coming out to the first of our 3 girls as trans.

She said she was totally OK with it (me dealing with my gender dysphoria).  She recounted the multiple different lifestyles that exist in our family and thanked me for finally being honest.

I then mentioned that her daughter, our granddaughter, might be the first person to figure out something was up with me.  She was going to make sure they talked.

Short story - experienced male fail and come out to one of our 3 daughters on the same day.

Love the male fail and am now out and honest with 2 of the 4 most important people in my life.

Crazy - but a freeing / good day.
Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 06, 2019, 12:14:49 pm
@jkredman
Dear Kate:
In spite of the stock market, I found your update a good positive posting with most everything else that you reported.

TODAY is a NEW DAY....
... and it is your Birthday today.... 

Wishing you a very, very  H A P P Y  B I R T H D A Y
                                           :icon_birthday:  :icon_birthday:  :icon_birthday:

So, what are you plans for your special day?  party with family and friends?   dinner out?  Whatever your plans, I hope that CAKE and Candles are involved.

Thanks for posting and keeping your thread up to date.
HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 09, 2019, 01:09:44 am
@jkredman
Dear Kate:
In spite of the stock market, I found your update a good positive posting with most everything else that you reported.

TODAY is a NEW DAY....
... and it is your Birthday today.... 

Wishing you a very, very  H A P P Y  B I R T H D A Y
                                           :icon_birthday:  :icon_birthday:  :icon_birthday:

So, what are you plans for your special day?  party with family and friends?   dinner out?  Whatever your plans, I hope that CAKE and Candles are involved.

Thanks for posting and keeping your thread up to date.
HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle


Danielle

Thanks for your birthday wish.  I did in fact get everything I wanted.  From my spouse, the most important person in my life, I got a card, a Kiss and a big Hershey bar, (And we had a  very nice evening out!)

Thank you for your support
Kate


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 09, 2019, 01:39:38 am
Met a new therapist today....

Well I lost the therapist I truly loved working with because her business office couldn’t figure out how to file insurance claims correctly.

(Gonna vent a moment.)

My therapist was frustrated with the write offs she was being asked to take. She has every reason to be....  She also wanted her cake, and to eat it too, as she decided she wanted to be In-Network for those she supervises and private pay for her clients.

When I dug into it with my insurance, it became apparent that entire sessions were being written off, with the request for an explanation.  (It’s 115 mile round trip from home to the therapist’s office so we often met for 2 hours.) All insurance was asking for was an explanation - which is an appeal process.  The billing person couldn’t seem to figure out the difference between an appeal and filing a duplicate claim. 

I’m paying $21000 in premiums for insurance, this year, and have got to get some of that back.

Any way, in frustration, she dropped us because I wouldn’t go Private Pay and agree to not submit bills to insurance afterwards.

(End of Venting)

So we had our first session with a new therapist today.  It’s a 370 mile round trip, but this therapist will do skype or zoom after the first couple of sessions.  This therapist also has a more resources available.  I’m cautiously optimistic.

The point of this post is to simply acknowledge the conflict within me.  I’m MTF trans.  I know it.  3 different therapists have now documented it as their diagnosis.

Yet the session for me was a hard session.

 I’ve spent a lifetime selling my soul for my spouse and children.  My spouse and 1 of my 3 daughter’s know.  The other 2 daughters will be told soon enough. 

It’s just that I can’t shake this guilt.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 09, 2019, 09:22:44 pm
Arachnophobia can be a good thing!

My wife found a spider in our bedroom closet the other day.   She thought it was time I did some thinning of clothing.

I think you can guess what got purged!!!!

20 button down shirts, 12 dress pants, golf shirts, jackets, sweatshirts, all male and collected over the last  10 to 15 years of my career.

Today she came back to me thinking more could be done.

Next is the suits, dress shoes and other male   clothing and accessories.

What's gonna be left; Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, Hillary Ridley pants, blouses, flats, pumps, wedges, and the little black dress I bought last week.

A little arachnophobia can be a good thing


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on August 09, 2019, 09:32:32 pm
Arachnophobia can be a good thing!

My wife found a spider in our bedroom closet the other day.   She thought it was time I did some thinning of clothing.

I think you can guess what got purged!!!!

20 button down shirts, 12 dress pants, golf shirts, jackets, sweatshirts, all male and collected over the last  10 to 15 years of my career.

Today she came back to me thinking more could be done.

Next is the suits, dress shoes and other male   clothing and accessories.

What's gonna be left; Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, Hillary Ridley pants, blouses, flats, pumps, wedges, and the little black dress I bought last week.

A little arachnophobia can be a good thing


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Thank you, little miss spider :)
I think you made great choices to thin your closet Kathryn
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 17, 2019, 03:34:29 pm
It's been a real tough week.  My new counselor has asked a woman to be a mentor to me.  We met last Tuesday.   It was a very good conversation but she drove home some issues I'm trying to gloss over.   Let's just say it's been an emotional week and I've gone OCD about my transition.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on August 18, 2019, 06:02:31 pm
It's been a real tough week.  My new counselor has asked a woman to be a mentor to me.  We met last Tuesday.   It was a very good conversation but she drove home some issues I'm trying to gloss over.   Let's just say it's been an emotional week and I've gone OCD about my transition.


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What is this woman mentoring you about?
Feminine presentation? Her personal feminine philosophy?
Not trying to dig too deep, but wondering what she said to send you into an emotional OCD week
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 19, 2019, 09:50:47 am
What is this woman mentoring you about?
Feminine presentation? Her personal feminine philosophy?
Not trying to dig too deep, but wondering what she said to send you into an emotional OCD week
Maddie:

You’re not digging too deep.  Just prepare yourself for a very long response.  ;-)

The mentoring is about my total transition.  Also, truthfully, I wasn’t just my mentor, it was also my counselor and my wife.

The conversation with my mentor was basically a frank conversation about her transition and especially brutal about loss and rejection.  “There will be loss!!!”  I know it / knew it but, honestly, it hadn’t hit home. 

When I first came out to my wife it was a real tough three months and I was waiting to be asked to leave.  But it didn’t happen.  She is trying to walk this journey with me.

What did happen a couple of weeks ago was an accidental outing to some friends.  I would have ultimately come out to them but not yet and not the way it happened.  They’re currently shunning all contact with us.

What hurts is not the loss of the friendship from him, but my wife’s  loss of her friend.

Which brings me to the second item.  My counselor had me read “She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders” by Jennifer Finney Boylan.  It’s been a hard read.

Jenny’s story is so much my story.  It’s spooky.  Jenny’s wife, Grace (Deirdre in real life), is supportive.  But every victory for Jenny - is a loss for Grace.  It’s given me a guilt complex.  Additionally, Grace observes Jenny “boarded a run-away freight train!”  I realized I’ve boarded my own run-away freight train, one that I can’t stop, or get off of. 

I don’t want off that train nor do I want to stop it. 

2019 is the first year in my life I don’t have a shadow hanging over my head.  It’s the first year of my life I’m not conflicted.  While my life has be mostly happy, and very successful; I’m living a new greater and brighter happiness.

Yet, I don’t want my wife to feel loss for every victory I achieve on this journey.

Finally, I hadn’t given it a whole lot of thought, but I’m basically transitioning in place.  My wife broached the subject of selling our home and moving.

We currently live in no where Oklahoma.  There are not really any resources here for us.  I/We routinely drive almost 4 hours to Kansas City.  She thinks we would be better off moving back to Kansas City.

We live on a lake; a result of 25 years of effort.  I guess I was hoping to not have to make this decision so soon. 

I called myself OCD because this has been at the forefront of my mind to the extent that I’ve let the book keeping for our business slide a bit.  We are still very much doing our business, I’m just going to have to catch up the records.
 

What I need to do for my health results in the woman I love so dearly; paying her own very, very high price.


On a positive note, she recognized my intense feelings of guilt, and broached the subject with me Saturday Morning.

It’s something that I’m going to have to reconcile with myself.
Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on August 21, 2019, 11:29:15 am
Thank you for the in depth response.
I wish you well with everything happening now and coming up for you and your wife.  You wouldn't have posted it if it wasn't hard and a really big deal for you.

Just a thought about Jennifer Finney Boylan's book:  My impression from reading it was that, overall, she is a winner in life, with a general positive outlook, and one of the lucky ones.  Just compare her supported experience with SRS/GCS to that of her trans roommate going through it at the same time for example.  Is that you? If your life is really like hers, than you should have hope and blessings.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 21, 2019, 04:58:47 pm
I need to refocus myself from fear to hope!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 21, 2019, 09:05:50 pm
Stepping out a little further the last couple of days.

Yesterday I ran from nowhere OK to Kansas City & back - full en femme; hair, jewelry, padded bra, blouse, jeans (because I tore my right leg up trimming my yard about a month ago - otherwise it would have been a skirt), black purse, and black sandals.  It was the longest trip I had made totally en femme and it went flawlessly.

Before I left the house, I stopped and looked in the mirror.  For the first time, I didn’t see myself.  I saw my sister.  I saw a woman.  Still freaky, but progress!!!!!

I realize a couple of prior posts have had a negative tone - and my counselor got me doing deep thinking again today - ugh...  She simply is trying to ground me.



I had my first Electrolysis/Laser treatment today.  It wasn’t that bad; although I’m starting to feel like I’ve got a nasty sunburn.

However, even with the sunburned face, I feel great this evening.

I’ve taken another step. 

Yes, I’ve been thinking hard about issues I need to resolve.  But all in all, I’m closer to living the woman I am.  That’s all I want.

Progress!!!!!

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on August 22, 2019, 06:41:25 pm
Are you doing both electrolysis and laser at the same time?
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 23, 2019, 06:12:15 am
Sort of.

I have a treatment every 2 weeks.  On week 0 (first treatment of a cycle)  is laser. Then at 2 weeks later and at 4 weeks later is electrolysis.  At 6 weeks we do laser again and repeat the cycle.

I’m not completely grey. The laser gets my darker hairs  and the electrolysis gets the grey.  Between the two the process should be quicker and require fewer treatments
.
Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 25, 2019, 08:02:56 pm
I’ve been clocked!!!!!

OK I’m retired from IBM, much of the last 10 years of my career were about ‘Analytics’ and customer segmentation down to the individual customer....

Well I’ve subscribed to the Wall Street Journal for decades.  Every month they publish the WSJ Magazine.  Got the new one yesterday and at was very quickly obvious I’ve been outed as a woman.

For the first time ever all the adds were targeted at women; perfume, fashion, & accessories.  All the articles in my magazine would be of interest to a woman.

Logging on to the website, I can see there were articles that were published in this month’s issue that would be of interest to men.


My shopping patterns of the last year have outed me!!!!

Not complaining, and not really surprised.


I guess I should be wondering why it took them so long to figure it out.  Oh well.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Dena on August 25, 2019, 08:54:03 pm
If you're on Faceplant, that's what did it From day one they plant a cookie in your computer and every time you visit a "Partner" web site, your browsing history is recorded and distributed among the other partners for a fee. I didn't even agree to having a cookie in my computer but as a moderator I bumped up against a long to the mother of all evil and they cookied me anyway. If I can't see it on Facebook without a login, it isn't worth seeing.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 26, 2019, 03:46:00 pm
Actually I guess was outed back in June on Amazon.com!   I just never look at those ads (until I’m doing a mass email delete.)

So in response, I just edited my profile.

I’m now Kathryn as the primary account holder vs. a ship to address......

I’ve been changing my online persona for the last couple of months now.  I’m getting that much closer to a full coming out and full time life in truth!




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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 31, 2019, 11:29:00 am
Well I’m out to 2 of my 3 daughters.

They’re totally fine with it and just want me to be happy.

I’m leaving it to them on what they will tell their families or what they want me to tell their family

My oldest daughter and I are already somewhat estranged for other reasons.  I don’t know when I’ll see her again, or if her sisters will say anything to her.

But at least I’m at 2 down and 1 to go.

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: ChrissyRyan on August 31, 2019, 11:35:18 am
Well I’m out to 2 of my 3 daughters.

They’re totally fine with it and just want me to be happy.

I’m leaving it to them on what they will tell their families or what they want me to tell their family

My oldest daughter and I are already somewhat estranged for other reasons.  I don’t know when I’ll see her again, or if her sisters will say anything to her.

But at least I’m at 2 down and 1 to go.

Kate


That sounds upbeat Kate.   :)

Chrissy

Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on September 03, 2019, 07:14:28 am
Congratulations on 2 out of 3 Kate.
Glad they are totally ok with it
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 08, 2019, 12:57:11 am
Sometimes Saturday nights just suck.  This night is one of them.

My counselor has had me read several different memoirs from trans women; Kristen Beck, Janet Mock, Jenny Boylan.

Intertwined in those stories are tales of extreme pain.  Pain that I totally identify with.  Yes there are many, many, women who have deeply suffered.

As was commented in an email conversation,  the memoirs didn’t help because “well, what the hell, this does me no good, because I still don’t have the courage to move forward.”

I’ve thought about this a lot.

We transition when the pain of doing nothing exceeds the expected pain of transition.   It’s not a courage thing or a motivation thing.  It’s being out of less onerous choices.  Courage is choosing to live vs. some type of exit.

I guess I’d like more of the memoirs to discuss life later in, or after, transition.  Believe me, I'm all too familiar with the pain.  I want more of successful and happy lives after transition.  That's where my hope is.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Lexxi on September 08, 2019, 02:20:21 am
Hi Kathryn,

It must be something in the air tonight...because I haven't been feeling that wonderful about life tonight either. I'm just kind of in a blechhh mood. I've been thinking about how things used to be back 25 or 30 years ago. Like I've REALLY been wanting to go back to my old childhood fishing/camping spot on this beautiful river...but all the area around it is private property now and the owners won't give anyone access to the property anymore.

I've even thought about going down the river to a public access spot, and walking back up the river. Here in my state no one owns the waterways, so as long as you stay in the water, you're not trespassing and are allowed to go pretty much anywhere you want to go. That's the only way I'd be able to access the property I want to go to. But it would make it kinda <not allowed> having to stay in that super cold water the whole time (it's feed by a natural spring. It's very cold water and if you swim in it too long your lips will turn blue). I think it would kill the mystique of it.

There's no way I'd be able to read what your therapist wants you to read. It would bum me out too much. I try my best to stay away from sad things, because they bring me down. I try to stick with fun or funny subjects. I hope you're able to turn the happiness level of your weekend around, and have a better day tomorrow.

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Quinn on September 08, 2019, 08:09:19 am
Kate,

For me i knew i was trans from an very early age, i had my bout of being suicidal when i went thru puberty the first time.
Now at 53, i started my transition at 50, HRT at 51.
 I had decided that because i had been unhappy for my life and the gender role i had to play that i did not want to go to the end being unhappy. I was already unhappy and tried the male role it didn't work. I wanted to be happy and be me in the female i knew i always was.
I was not suicidal or the at the last resort i was just very unhappy and knew it was not going to get better so i decided to go ahead and transition.
There are many people that transition out of choice not  because they have hit rock bottom.

I think that most focus on all the negatives and not enough about the positives

The reason to transition is to be your true self and that in itself is positive. I personally am finally able to leave my house as myself and feel comfortable, i can go in any store try on women's clothes and use the dressing rooms without  fear. use women's restrooms be treated as a women.

When i interact with people now im treated as my true gender and its comforting even if i get mansplained because that is what should have been happening my whole life.

I no longer have to suffer with envy and jealousy i always felt toward other women that were living their life, the appearance, how they were able to express themselves thru fashion, being able to and allowed to show full emotions from empathy and caring to anger in public. As man i was trained to show only anger or nothing that is now gone i can fully express myself in all aspects of my life.

It is hard to explain how incredible it is to be able to truly express yourself without any fear.

Transitioning you do have to deal with some fear and overcome it but each step you take and complete that pile of fear that has been pent up for years will get a little smaller and smaller with each step you take. Every time you complete a small step when the fear leaves that space will be filled with happiness and positivity. Right now the scale is heavy on negative and fear side but as you progress it will soon enough be tipped to the Happy and content side and you will never go back

Transition is not about pain its about allowing yourself to release that pain you have and feel happy an joy that is there for your taking as true self as you progress

I personally like to think of transition as going from being unhappy and lifeless To Happy, content and joyous in life that i get to live
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 12, 2019, 02:14:34 pm
My wife just told me that she outed me to 2 of her sisters.  The response appears to be OK.  The question came back “You mean he was born a girl?” To which my wife answered yes.

This is cool for me on two points; 1) it means she’s not going to be put in a conflict between us and her family, and 2) it gives me more confidence that we’re going to stay together.

Cool news!

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: mm on September 12, 2019, 02:17:48 pm
nice to hear jkredman, you can be more relaxed around them.  It is a good sign your wife is starting to accept you, give her time.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 12, 2019, 02:21:58 pm
My wife just told me that she outed me to 2 of her sisters.  The response appears to be OK.  The question came back “You mean he was born a girl?” To which my wife answered yes.

This is cool for me on two points; 1) it means she’s not going to be put in a conflict between us and her family, and 2) it gives me more confidence that we’re going to stay together.

Cool news!

Kate

@jkredman
Dear Kate:
Wow that is great, but unexpected good news in how her sisters took the news regarding you....
... I love what they stated after your wife broke the news to them...
"Do you mean he was born a girl?"
... and I liked your wife's reply "YES"

Congratulation to you, things could not have worked out better for you.

Thank you for sharing your good report.
HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on September 13, 2019, 08:29:02 am
That is wonderfully coool news to share Kate!
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: TonyaW on September 13, 2019, 11:33:39 am
Just read a bunch of your thread here.  Lots of good stuff happening for you  lately.

Your mention of Jenny Boylan's book caught my eye. I read if at the start of my transition and noted a lot of similarities to me also. I was wondering if your wife read it also and if she got anything out if it.
Jenny wrote a follow up book about parenting as a trans woman. I've not read it but it should have some follow up on her relationship as she is still married.

Another memoir you might like is "Yes, you are trans enough" by Mia Violet.
She is much younger, British, and aware she was trans at a much younger age ampng other different circumstances, but I still found a lot that I related to as far as thoughts and feelings for lack of better wag to describe it.

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 16, 2019, 12:01:49 am
Just read a bunch of your thread here.  Lots of good stuff happening for you  lately.

Your mention of Jenny Boylan's book caught my eye. I read if at the start of my transition and noted a lot of similarities to me also. I was wondering if your wife read it also and if she got anything out if it.
Jenny wrote a follow up book about parenting as a trans woman. I've not read it but it should have some follow up on her relationship as she is still married.

Another memoir you might like is "Yes, you are trans enough" by Mia Violet.
She is much younger, British, and aware she was trans at a much younger age ampng other different circumstances, but I still found a lot that I related to as far as thoughts and feelings for lack of better wag to describe it.

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Hi Tonya

Thanks for the suggestion of Mia Violet.

She, my wife, has quite a reading list that has been suggested to her by our therapist.  Not only are all three of Jenny’s books on the list, but Amanda Knox’s Love Lives Here and Janet Mock’s Redefining Realness.  (They’re all in our shared Kindle / Audible library now.)


Changing the subject: You have to give Jenny a whole lot of credit.  She out there advocating for acceptance of what we live.  I’m still very much in the middle of my journey; finally finding the courage to go public as Kathryn ‘Kate’ Jannell.

(I held up responding for a few days because I needed to think.  These comments are going to go in a weird direction.  However, this is where my heart is leading me.)

Jenny’s story, and this is NOT to degrade her, is a story of white privilege and decent financial resources.  Jenny’s story is very, very much my story.  I get it.

Janet’s story, and this is NOT to degrade her, is a story of a racial minority who sold her body to be able to live authentically.  Janet’s story is not so much my story. 

Yet, in my Midwest US Trans community, I’ve met, and KNOW, women in each situation.  It brings me to tears.

I don’t feel that I yet blend well.  Right now, I’m very much in boy/girl mode deciding each morning how I will present based on who I expect to be dealing with.

At some point, hopefully very soon, I’ll be confident freeing Kate in all situations.  I hope that I can then advocate (like some other women in my/our community) for all women, especially those of limited resources who face other reasons for discrimination besides accepting they are trans.


Final note on your reference to Mia and her awareness of being Trans at a much younger age.  (Again, just my heart rambling...)

I’ve known I was Trans since my earliest memories around age 3. 

At age 3, I couldn’t enunciate the feelings.  I didn’t understand them, and when I commented to my mother, she discounted me.  I was a teenager when I became fascinated by the story of Renee Richards and for the first time understood that there were others like me, and they could do, and did, something about those feelings.  However, I tried to live the normal heterosexual male expected by our society.  I had my multiple coping mechanisms.

One by one, each of those mechanisms failed and were thrown aside until I had no other survivable option.

My point:  I think all of us feel something isn’t right at a very early age.  Unfortunately, our abilities to comprehend what we are feeling, and whether or not we live in a supportive environment greatly influences our decisions on transitioning.  The smarter ones among us transition earlier in their lives.

Sorry, but I warned this post was going to go in a weird direction.

Luv ya sister
Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: TonyaW on September 17, 2019, 07:50:42 am
Hey Kate

Jenny Boylan's story is definitely closer to mine than any other I've read. She transitioned at a much earlier age but is only a few years older than I am.

I've been thinking of getting Amanda Knox also, I follow her on Twitter so I'm familiar with the book and basic story.

I can remember wanting to be a girl as far back as 5 years old at least. I also liked doing the stereotypical boy things, (sports and so on) which I think is at least part of the reason I didn't realize that I was trans for a long time. I was in my mid teens when Rene Richards story first got big and I  secretly followed it. I was aware of Christine Jorgensen also, but not sure why or how.  Back in my early teens when playing professional sports was still a possibility (in my mind anyway ,not in reality) a friend once said "if we dont make it in sports, we should do X" and I clearly remember thinking "if I don't make it in sports I'm having a sex change". So I was aware of it but some how convinced my self that I didn't need that, I wasn't like that really or whatever.  And now I'm rambling on. 

You mentioned a lot of positive recent happenings. Hope you can build on those and soon get to be comfortable as Kate everywhere.

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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 26, 2019, 02:52:51 pm
It’s been an intense 36 hours.

On the plus side:

I’ve started searching out, with the help of my Therapist, and Endo, some suggestions of surgeons for, initially FFS, and eventually GCS.  I’m so excited!!!!!  One year on HRT comes up 12/2.  I have a definite bust line.  It’s time to start working on the next steps.



On the weird side, I finally have a plausible answer to why I’m the way I am.

It turns out I’m medically intersexed.  My parents thought they were doing what was right for me back in 1960 / 1961,  when I was surgically fixed to be anatomically(?) male.  (Long story & cloudy family history because it wasn’t something that was discussed in polite company; and they’ve long since passed on.... :-})

Anatomically, may be; emotionally not!!!

The last set of lab work, including a karyotyping (which had never been done before) says mosaic XXY.



On the negative side:

This doesn’t; change anything, other than helps me understand that society is wrong. 

I’m dealing, and have always struggled, with a concrete medical condition.  (Maybe it strengthens the case with the insurance company for my medical necessity.) This isn’t something I made up.

As I read what I’m writing, I guess I’m a bit frustrated, or angry, about all the years I was told it was all in my head.  Also frustrated about all the time I find myself spending justifying myself.   (UGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!)

Well I guess they were right.  It was all in my head!!!!!  My brain & heart, are chromsomeally female.  It’s just my body developed differently.  (Choose your favorite obscenity - well at least that was my first thought!!!!)



Further on the plus side, I’m now officially a D cup.  (Don’t get jealous, I was a tad over an A cup from gynecomastia when I started HRT.) 

I will change my hairstyle over from androgoneous next Wednesday to female.  Doing a full color and a new cut, (French Cut!)

Each little step is progress and leaves me feeling great about myself.   

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: mm on September 27, 2019, 02:28:15 pm
jkredman, sounds like you are figuring out who you are and making progress. A good therapist can really help you through all the things you have going and will have.  Hormones seems to have work nicely for you getting to a D cup in a year.  Good luck to you and hope to see you here often.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on September 27, 2019, 08:53:56 pm
Kate, that is truly a major thing to find out. Hope you're doing okay.

I'm excited for your progress and changes coming ahead for you.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on October 08, 2019, 12:20:12 am
OK it was weird.

The girls, Lillie & Rachel have gotten very sensitive again.  Rachel has been a particular pain today.  Sooooooo...

This evening I start lightly massaging Rachel to try and ease the discomfort, and....

I get aroused.

It was something I’d felt before (a long, long, time ago; in a land far, far, away) yet it was totally different.  This time, my whole body felt it.

Let’s just say if this is what I can expect to enjoy, I’m all in for my future.......




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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on October 08, 2019, 08:22:50 am
Giggle

"All in for your future"...sounds like love for life :)

Enjoy
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on October 13, 2019, 12:34:32 am
Well it was another interesting week on the road to letting Kate live free.

I had to ask my therapist for an additional session as I realized that my dysphoria, which I started feeling again about a month ago, wasn’t going away unless we talked about it.   I know it ebbs & flows and will continue to do so until I feel in my heart my transition is truly complete.  I know some of it is impatience on my part.

One year on HRT comes up on December 2nd, basically 1 1/2 months away.  So now I’ve started thinking about needed surgeries, and checking into surgeons.

I reached out to my insurance company and first obtained a list of ‘in-network’ surgeons. 

Apparently, that, and my claim history flagged me to them.  I received a call late last week, and we talked at length this past Tuesday, and I have been assigned a nurse case manager to assist with the process.  Yes they pretty much figured out what was coming.

So I also know have a list of procedure codes that are covered, a list of what the consider cosmetic.   To my surprise FFS has some coverage.

So yes I’m making progress, but Kate’s heart wants (needs?) it to happen faster.

Yup, another interesting week to be chronicled by Kathryn....


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on October 13, 2019, 12:51:47 am
Well it was another interesting week on the road to letting Kate live free.

I had to ask my therapist for an additional session as I realized that my dysphoria, which I started feeling again about a month ago, wasn’t going away unless we talked about it.   I know it ebbs & flows and will continue to do so until I feel in my heart my transition is truly complete.  I know some of it is impatience on my part.

One year on HRT comes up on December 2nd, basically 1 1/2 months away.  So now I’ve started thinking about needed surgeries, and checking into surgeons.

I reached out to my insurance company and first obtained a list of ‘in-network’ surgeons. 

Apparently, that, and my claim history flagged me to them.  I received a call late last week, and we talked at length this past Tuesday, and I have been assigned a nurse case manager to assist with the process.  Yes they pretty much figured out what was coming.

So I also know have a list of procedure codes that are covered, a list of what the consider cosmetic.   To my surprise FFS has some coverage.

So yes I’m making progress, but Kate’s heart wants (needs?) it to happen faster.

Yup, another interesting week to be chronicled by Kathryn....


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on October 19, 2019, 11:41:23 pm
Some days just suck.

I want to blend better and transition sooner. 

My face is an obsticle I still need to overcome.

Yet those I love(?) are resistive.

Should I call it and move on solo, or should I stay?

That is the stupid question......


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on October 21, 2019, 03:02:27 pm
Definitely a question you must answer.

I know I would find it difficult bordering on impossible to live with daily resistance at home (I am solo)

Please keep moving forward.  If you can keep others with you, that'd be great
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on October 24, 2019, 06:04:57 pm
I’m talking to Dr. Spiegel and have Aetna through IBM.

I had a lengthy conversation with Dr. Spiegel office today.  I have a video conference consult scheduled for early November.  If I do private pay & settle up with Aetna after the fact, she indicated he still has surgery dates available for 2019.  That would force me to settle up with Aetna afterwards.

So, how much does a typical FFS cost? I need to figure out how much I’m spending!

The only reason I’m considering this is because there are some games being played by IBM with regards to Open Enrollment for 2020.

Kate


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on November 04, 2019, 08:56:03 pm
Well it’s been a tough couple of weeks.

Finally got my open enrollment problems with IBM worked out and enrolled for 2020.  It became a very emotional experience because I was scared I’d lose my transition.  For some reason, my wife didn’t take that too well.  I explained I was never angry or upset with her, but the follow on fight got pretty ugly.

So the insurance scare got me thinking maybe I need to have both FFS & bottom surgery in 2020, and I bounced that idea off my wife.  That didn’t go well either.  We also revisited the idea of moving because of the distances traveled for medical care, and the fact that I have no local support..  It was an idea she originally proposed, but now she’s thinking she wants to stay.

Today she indicated she loved me, but she has needs also.  On the plus side she indicated she’s ready to restart counseling.  Unfortunately, I think we’re at the make or break point.  I have no clue how this is all going to work out.  I will say I can’t remember any time in my life where I was this scared.

There is one positive.

I’m now out to my estranged daughter and we’re talking again.  So all three girls know, and are accepting.  2 of 3 son-in-laws know with my youngest daughter still trying to figure out how to explain it to her husband.  My older 2 grandchildren know.  My youngest 4;  their parents are thinking they don’t have the concept of gender yet.

What I’ve told them all is there is no question I will not answer.

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on November 10, 2019, 09:41:34 am

It became a very emotional experience because I was scared I’d lose my transition.

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As I’ve thought about this more, I’ve realized I guess I’m at a crossroads.

At this point, I HAVE TO FINISH this transition.  Failure to finish would be totally devastating, or worse.

Does anyone else remember reaching such a point in their transition?

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KathyLauren on November 10, 2019, 09:53:03 am

As I’ve thought about this more, I’ve realized I guess I’m at a crossroads.

At this point, I HAVE TO FINISH this transition.  Failure to finish would be totally devastating, or worse.

Does anyone else remember reaching such a point in their transition?

Kate


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I reached that point moments before I came out to my wife.  I came out because there was no way I could not do this, up to and including GRS.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on November 13, 2019, 06:45:34 pm
I’ve decided to call today a milestone day!

I stepped on the scale this morning and it read 200.00.  So I’m down 20 with 20 to 25 left togo.  (Well see what I look like at 180 and decide then if I need to drop any more.)

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist for my second evaluation for surgery eligibility, and initial consults with 2 possible surgeons.

I’m looking at both FFS & GCS.  My original thought was FFS in 2020 & GCS in 2021. 

Things are moving along nicely.

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: TonyaW on November 13, 2019, 08:29:54 pm
Congratulations on the weight loss.

That's great feeling to hit the milestones.



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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on November 15, 2019, 05:24:44 pm
Adding to the celebration;   199.2!

AND:

My lovely wife bought me a top, jeans, and shoes while she was out shopping.   It gives me hope we're going to make it through this!

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: ChrissyRyan on November 15, 2019, 05:27:58 pm
Adding to the celebration;   199.2!

AND:

My lovely wife bought me a top, jeans, and shoes while she was out shopping.   It gives me hope we're going to make it through this!

Kate


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That is very nice.   :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on December 12, 2019, 07:29:51 pm
Congratulations on dropping the weight.
Glad you are feeling hope :)
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on December 13, 2019, 03:04:21 pm
Hi all:

It’s been a month since I posted anything, so I thought I would give an update!

Met with the Psychiatrist Tuesday.  He wants to meet at least one more time (probably a few more times.)  My therapist & I had talked about me developing a depression and some Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I’ve started having dreams and nightmares from long repressed memories of abuse growing up.  I guess that’s one of the downsides of HRT.  My ability to repress and compartmentalize is failing.  We all want to get that back under control.  The good news is, no one is questioning my Transgender Identity.  So this may delay getting my PHD referral letter for surgery a bit, but I figured if I got the FFS surgery 2nd half of 2020 and bottom surgery in 2021 I’d be happy.  And I don’t like waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares!

On a positive note:

Those of you who have followed me may notice my screen name has changed. (Thank you Devlyn!)

As of Tuesday, I am out to the last of my family that I cared about; my sister and her family.  Of course she’s shocked.  She didn’t have a clue.  We’ve talked again and she’s still processing.  As she put it; “feeling really stuck in it.”  I don’t expect total rejection since when she & my wife talked she admitted she always wished she had a sister.

So I’m now out to everyone I really care about; my family, our children’s families, my wife’s family, my sister & her family, and our close friends.  They’ve all been understanding.  They’re all trying to be supportive.  That said, I realize I’ve put them into a transition also.  They’ve got to transition their minds about me.

Everyone else in my life, I’d like to be accepted by them, but the loss of those relationships, while a bummer, wouldn’t be nearly as hard as losing someone I so deeply love.  I know I’m extremely lucky and blessed.  I know many of you have to endure incredibly painful losses.  Know that my prayers are with you!

With that done, I’m accelerating how fast I’m changing out my online persona to Kate.  (There’s so much of it!  Ugh!)

Yes, I’m also starting to identify people to help me with the name and gender marker changes, where all I need to do it, and where it probably doesn’t matter.  Do I really need to change my grade school & high school records?  Thinking not.  College & Grad School? Maybe?  Past employment? Probably not.  IBM? Yes!

On a crazy note.  I guess I’m going to need to have the Orchi first, and probably early in 2020.  It appears the Spiro is really messing with me, and it’s been suggested by my PCP that eliminating the med is probably best for me.  I scheduled an appointment with the endo for 1/7 to discuss it and start the process.  (Let’s just say I ended up taking an ambulance ride to the ER because of a med problem....)

So there it is.  To quote an ancient spaghetti western; that’s the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I hope all is well for you and if I don’t post again before then - have happy holidays!

Kate

Oh, and I survived Thanksgiving without undoing my weight loss.  197 this morning!

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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on December 19, 2019, 10:03:03 am
Things that have changed this year....

I started HRT a year ago on 12/2.  After participating in another thread where a beautiful sister started HRT earlier this week it struck me;  we all keep that date as a special one in our hearts.

Secondly, I’m living and presenting a good 97% of my time ‘en femme.’   On those rare occasions when I do have to present as ‘back in the day,’ I’ve noticed one of the very first things I’ll do, when I can, is change clothes back to my female presentation.  It’s now a very physical discomfort to dress male. 

My wife and I have turned the corner.  She actually shops for clothing for me now - and I’m not asking!

She sees a much happier and calmer wife than the husband she had for the last 15, or so, years; and most definitely a much calmer, happier, easier to live with than the last 5 years.   We’re doing more together including mundane things like planning meals.  We can discuss surgeries.  That said I realize I still need to go slow.   Later in 2020 is probably ok.   I was thinking of trying to get in all my surgeries in 2020.  (I’m blessed with excellent insurance coverage, but some of the news headlines concern me about the future.) She doesn’t like that idea.  However, she seeing the person she married coming back to her, albeit in a feminine presentation.

Back to the shopping. I need to start shopping for her more! (Not that I haven’t done it before.)

I’m completely out to my family and my wife’s family.  It’s gone better than I hoped.

Finally. Even though the hips have a long way to go, the top side has developed very nicely.  They’re not moobs any more they’re boo**.

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on December 19, 2019, 11:14:43 pm
Happy for your one year anniversary Kate, and the positive changes in your life  :)
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 20, 2019, 08:22:56 pm
@Kate R
Dear Kate;
You stated in your last reply comment that you HRT anniversary was at the beginning of this month on December 02.
Absolutely correct.... "...we all keep that date as a special one in our hearts."

The other good news that you reported is that you are completely out to your family and your wife’s family.  Such a big step that is now taken.   Now, onward to the next transition steps that are in your plans.

Thank you for keeping me and the rest of your followers updated with your life events and life endeavors.
I will be eagerly following your next steps as you feel inclined to share them on your thread.

HUGS and best wishes....
.    AND MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and your FAMILY.
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on December 20, 2019, 09:58:08 pm
Danielle

Thank you!

Hugs & Kisses and a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year back to you!!!

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on January 06, 2020, 05:41:48 pm
OK.  I guess I’ve crossed a (the) line. 

I’m in KC for the next 2 days.  When packing I couldn’t decide which top I wanted to wear tomorrow.  I also couldn’t decide between 2 pair of shoes.  So for a 2 day trip I packed 3 tops, 3 sets of undies (to match the color of the tops so they don’t show through), and 2 different pairs of dress flats.



Needless to say my wife took the opportunity to get even with me.  (Really, I think she got ahead.....)

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on January 08, 2020, 08:17:20 am
Wow!

What an evening!!!

Support group had a makeup professional work with us on makeup and I was one of the three models.

Elizabeth is a young girl.  She was made up in an everyday, natural look.   Her transformation was amazing.   I actually thought ‘Wow!  What a knock out she is.’

Jessica is an older woman, like me.  She was made up full glam.  Again the transformation was amazing.   She was definitely the stately, elegant woman that would rule any formal event.

I was made up in a soft glam look.  To say I was shocked at my transformation, well that the understatement of the new decade.  I looked like a 30 year older version of my middle daughter.  I had to fight back tears.

First of all, I absolutely loved the experience.  I never realized I could look so good!  Secondly, it was another step on this journey that felt so right, so me!
Thirdly, there was a bit of sadness as I thought about all the years I/she was fought and suppressed.  How terribly foolish and unfair. 

I can’t take back the past.  She/I’m free now and there’s absolutely no going back.  I’m happily looking forward to Kate loving her/my life to the fullest.

Wow!  What an evening!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on January 16, 2020, 07:12:30 pm
I get emails from where I subscribe to the Wall Street Journal.  Today I received an email with the following:

“Last week’s jobs report from the Labor Department brought news of a shift in the country’s workforce: Women now make up over half of U.S. payrolls, reflecting dramatic growth in industries where women tend to outnumber men.”

I thought to myself. ‘How cool’ and ‘it’s about time’ (since roughly 52% of the human population is classified as female.)

The article went on to discuss where gender equality in the workplace still fell short.


I mentioned it to my wife with the comment; “I think there is a feminist in me.”

Her response took me by surprise. 

“Duh!  You’ve always been that way.”  I responded “I never would have thought of myself that way.”   Her final comment was “Maybe now you’ve given it a new name but this something about you that hasn’t changed.”

I guess it’s another ‘go figure’ thing.
Kate



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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 16, 2020, 07:25:59 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
Thank your sharing that personal tidbit about you, and about your wife....

VERY INTERESTING for sure. 

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on January 19, 2020, 08:34:18 am
My wife & I went to see the new Cirque Du Soleil show, Axel, Friday evening.  We stayed overnight in a hotel because it’s a 90 minute drive from our home to Tulsa, OK.

Earlier in the day, I finally sat down and watched the documentary Trans.  It features Dr. Christine McGinn.

At the end there is a scene of Dr. McGinn breastfeeding one of her newborn twins that she fathered  with her partner via IVF using sperm she had frozen before her transition.

During the drive home Saturday Morning, I felt sadness knowing that I will never be able to give birth or never have the need to breastfeed.

Don’t get me wrong.  There wasn’t any prolonged thought or self pity.  It was just the understanding, like many cis-women also have, that it’s a part of life I’ll never experience.


So thinking about it this morning, in a way it’s a confirmation that I’m on the right path; that I’m doing the right thing for myself.   Would a man ever feel sadness about not being able to carry a child, give birth, and nurse?  I could be wrong, but I think not.

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on January 23, 2020, 08:21:54 pm
I hear that.
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on February 08, 2020, 03:29:22 pm
Warning!  Waxing Philosophical this February Saturday.

This coming week marks the 18 month point where I formally started my transition.  At least it’s been 18 months since I came clean / out to my wife. (Truth be told, I’ve been transitioning my entire life.)

I’ve been think about the last year and one half.  At times I’m impatient and want it to be done - now.  It was in one of those moments where my therapist/coach challenged me to write out a list of what I have accomplished. Guess what, there’s a page full of things.

Then I started thinking about some of the threads here on Susan’s Place.  I remembered the thread where we shared our thoughts on ‘If there was a pill that took your dysphoria away, would you take it.’  I remember the overwhelming majority of us said we would not take it.  That got me remembering a movie quote from about 40 years ago.

“You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain.”

I needed my life as a man, even though I hated it.

Then I remembered another thread.  It was a thread about how we see ourselves - what we call ourselves.  I remember chiming in that I see myself as trans gender.  Because I’m male to female, I’m classified as a trans woman.  Because I’m actively pursuing a medical transition, in addition to a social transition, I’m called a transsexual. 

I don’t remember if I added this, but I truly see myself as ‘just’ a woman.

I finally started wondering; ‘if there was a pill that instantly transformed me into a woman, would I take it?’

I don’t have a good answer to this.

Because I waited so long, and feel my time is getting shorter, I think yes.  But then I think how I’ve grown this last 18 months; how relationships are more fulfilling because there’s no secret; and how I’ve truly experienced fear, sadness, joy, ecstasy - I think not.  I think I would do exactly what I’m doing.

Hopefully, this 18 month point also marks my halfway point.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, I will have had my surgeries and fully recovered.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, all the legal junk will have been completed.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, I’m not a trans anything - just another woman - like any other.

Remember, I warned you!





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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Pammie on February 08, 2020, 04:16:59 pm
Warning!  Waxing Philosophical this February Saturday.

This coming week marks the 18 month point where I formally started my transition.  At least it’s been 18 months since I came clean / out to my wife. (Truth be told, I’ve been transitioning my entire life.)

I’ve been think about the last year and one half.  At times I’m impatient and want it to be done - now.  It was in one of those moments where my therapist/coach challenged me to write out a list of what I have accomplished. Guess what, there’s a page full of things.

Then I started thinking about some of the threads here on Susan’s Place.  I remembered the thread where we shared our thoughts on ‘If there was a pill that took your dysphoria away, would you take it.’  I remember the overwhelming majority of us said we would not take it.  That got me remembering a movie quote from about 40 years ago.

“You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain.”

I needed my life as a man, even though I hated it.

Then I remembered another thread.  It was a thread about how we see ourselves - what we call ourselves.  I remember chiming in that I see myself as trans gender.  Because I’m male to female, I’m classified as a trans woman.  Because I’m actively pursuing a medical transition, in addition to a social transition, I’m called a transsexual. 

I don’t remember if I added this, but I truly see myself as ‘just’ a woman.

I finally started wondering; ‘if there was a pill that instantly transformed me into a woman, would I take it?’

I don’t have a good answer to this.

Because I waited so long, and feel my time is getting shorter, I think yes.  But then I think how I’ve grown this last 18 months; how relationships are more fulfilling because there’s no secret; and how I’ve truly experienced fear, sadness, joy, ecstasy - I think not.  I think I would do exactly what I’m doing.

Hopefully, this 18 month point also marks my halfway point.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, I will have had my surgeries and fully recovered.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, all the legal junk will have been completed.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, I’m not a trans anything - just another woman - like any other.

Remember, I warned you!





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I had my second initial appointment at Leeds GIS this week (having waited 26 months for the first) and was told the next step is to talk to a doctor who will be another psychologist or psychotherapist  - and the waiting list for that is 16 - 18 months after which there will be a few more appointments before (hopefully) I get into the surgery waiting list (another 20 months or so). In total that will be about 64 months from referral to surgery. Brutal!
If there was a pill to move to being the woman I should always have been I’d have taken it in an instant!

I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on February 08, 2020, 06:55:49 pm
Pammie

I feel so bad for you.

I hope and pray that your wait shortens up a bunch!

Kate


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on February 09, 2020, 02:41:45 pm
Plumbers & Plumbing

Why is it plumbers will cement in a replaceable air inlet valve forcing you to cut the old one out and leave a condensate drain uncemented so that it eventual comes apart and leaks until one morning you wake up and realize you have a hole in your ceiling?

Oh wait, I’ve been on Estradiol for over 14 months now.  I’m not allowed to ask questions like this anymore.....


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on February 09, 2020, 02:48:15 pm
It was on the Monday morning the gas man came to call, Flanders and Swan , search for it as its so true.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Pammie on February 09, 2020, 03:19:30 pm
Pammie

I feel so bad for you.

I hope and pray that your wait shortens up a bunch!

Kate


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Thanks! Sadly, chances are small of any shortening of timings, danger of it moving in the other direction! Still, i’m lucky, happy (as happy as possible given my daughter’s death last year anyway) and my dysphoria is under control so I have nothing to complain about


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on February 11, 2020, 06:41:38 pm
I got my second surgery letter today!  Yay!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: madeleine on February 11, 2020, 06:54:51 pm
Plumbers & Plumbing

Why is it plumbers will cement in a replaceable air inlet valve forcing you to cut the old one out and leave a condensate drain uncemented so that it eventual comes apart and leaks until one morning you wake up and realize you have a hole in your ceiling?

Oh wait, I’ve been on Estradiol for over 14 months now.  I’m not allowed to ask questions like this anymore.....


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Hahaha, I love this! 

Also, aren't women allowed to be plumbers?  ;)
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on February 11, 2020, 11:37:37 pm
I got my second surgery letter today!  Yay!!!!
Yay!!!!
 :) :D ;D 8)
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on February 12, 2020, 07:19:05 pm
It had to happen eventually - and today it did.

Heading home from electrolysis I stopped at a convenience store for a bottled drink and a small snack.  I was standing 3rd in line to pay and this 300 pound whatever man just got in line in front of me turned his back to me and never said a word!!!

I knew it would happen eventually, like it has happened to lots of women.

Misogyny is obviously alive and well in southern Missouri!


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on February 18, 2020, 11:19:52 pm
It's been a screwy week!!!!

Tuesday, I FINALLY get my second surgery letter.  Of course that makes my transition all the more real to my wife.  She spends the next 3 days angry, and getting even with me. 

Then Thursday I’m made aware of a (trans) sister that just lost her home the day the temperature dropped to +9 Fahrenheit (Danielle & KathyLauren I get this is nothing like what you face on a daily basis...). The person that called me is at her wits end.  Where do we find this sister a warm bed for the night?  I have the resources to help, but when I go to the kitchen to broach the issue with my wife, she throws me out of the kitchen before I can say anything. (Remember she’s already mad at me....)

We succeeded in getting our sister a warm bed for the night but it brings up the issue that there are a lot of sisters and brothers that have resources that could help those that don’t in an emergency situation (suddenly  homeless in below freezing weather.)

So I broached the subject at support group tonight.   ‘How do we create a local safety net for our Trans brothers and sisters that have fewer resources than we do?’ 

That degenerated into what frustrates me so much about us....

We make up, what, 2(?), 3(?) percent of the human race?  We are the minority of minorities!  If there is a group that needs to stick/work together, it’s us - the trans community.  Yet we turn our backs and argue over ideology, while our less blessed brothers and sisters freeze their a...s off!!!!

I’m trans and I’m blessed!  I’m also very aware of those that are not as privileged as I am.  I’m married (and trying desperately to keep it that way) which means I have to keep a partner working with me, even though she may not see things as I see them.

It’s been a screwy and frustrating week.....


FYI. I had to vent and told my PCP about the issue with my wife at our appointment this morning.  I don’t know why but they (non-binary) became very, very, concerned about my safety.  I assured they that I would walk out of the relationship if I felt abused or threatened.

Again a screwy week....



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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on February 21, 2020, 12:40:12 am
Adding to my screwy week....

My crown (the one in my mouth) came off again....

Don’t know what it is about the adhesive that is used by dentists in the states now, but it doesn’t hold.

Chocolate Chip Cookie, Pasta, or tonight, Fish and the damn thing pops off....

I see the dentist next Monday.


On a positive note - just waiting on Insurance Pre-cert for my Orchi.  As soon as that comes in, my surgery will be scheduled.

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: mm on February 21, 2020, 10:17:34 am
Kate, life has its ups and downs, your crown came off again, but you will get an orchie soon.  I hope you have more ups.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on February 27, 2020, 10:44:27 pm
Ok my dog is just weird.

We adopted an emaciated Blue Heeler pup in March of 2018, shortly before I was retired by IBM and about 4 months before I finally stopped fighting my transgender identity and began my transition.

Once we got our new dog healthy, he attached himself to my wife and nominated himself her protector.

He wouldn’t let any stranger to him, like the UPS driver, or the mail ‘man’ get too close.  Me, he would be the UPS driver, or mail ‘man’s’ playmate.

Lately he’s changed his tune.   He won’t let the UPS driver get close to me either.   

I guess he’s decided I’m woman enough to need protecting now.




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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on February 28, 2020, 04:26:06 pm
OK I’m just weird.

I’ve been home based for work for years.

Even when I was home I would generally get myself cleaned up and dressed before I went upstairs to my office.

Sometimes, during small team calls, some of the women I worked with would admit to being in pajamas, robes, and slippers during calls.   One teammate once admitted to me she went 3 days without dressing.

Well I guess I’m doing the same thing.  Today I participated in 2 calls before I showered and got dressed.  Been kinda doing it for the last several months....

I think I’m going a little weird.   


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: madeleine on February 28, 2020, 05:34:07 pm
OK I’m just weird.

I’ve been home based for work for years.

Even when I was home I would generally get myself cleaned up and dressed before I went upstairs to my office.

Sometimes, during small team calls, some of the women I worked with would admit to being in pajamas, robes, and slippers during calls.   One teammate once admitted to me she went 3 days without dressing.

Well I guess I’m doing the same thing.  Today I participated in 2 calls before I showered and got dressed.  Been kinda doing it for the last several months....

I think I’m going a little weird.   


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I don't think it's that weird for people who are telecommuting/WFH.  Careful laptop placement can be helpful ;)
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on March 11, 2020, 12:15:08 am
It was an interesting day today.

Made a day trip up to Kansas CIty.  I didn’t get misgendered once!!!! 

The ultimate compliment came from the Costco store.  I guess it’s time for me to get a new membership card.  The person at the checkout challenged me because the picture on the card is a guy.  I ended up having to show my drivers license to prove I was the member. 

I apparently don’t look much like him anymore.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on March 11, 2020, 01:33:52 pm
Well I have a date for my first surgery.  It’s an orchi and it’s scheduled for April 14, 2020

One more step closer!!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: mm on March 11, 2020, 01:35:40 pm
Congrads on getting your orchie appointment.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on March 16, 2020, 10:07:02 pm
I guess I’m accepted when a friend who knew me back in the day decides that Kate is not a feminine enough name.  So now I’m Katy to her.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on March 17, 2020, 06:27:31 pm
Saint Patrick’s day while semi quarintined:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200317/6b2cb22b943fd4248fccb3b0fcc8d8f6.jpg)


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 17, 2020, 06:39:44 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate... or as your friend addresses you, Katy:
Green wine, green water, or green vodka? ???  Cute way to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.

I trust that you are looking at fun things on your computer and television...
....and not the stock market issues.   
No use getting heart burn over something that you can not control.
That will all play out in it's own time and most certainly recover.

Thanks for posting and sharing.
HUGS, and best wishes as always.
Danielle


Saint Patrick’s day while semi quarintined:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200317/6b2cb22b943fd4248fccb3b0fcc8d8f6.jpg)


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on March 24, 2020, 01:29:52 pm
Even the smallest of steps are progress.

Got a new Costco card this morning. It has a current picture and my name ’Kate’ on it!!!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 24, 2020, 01:41:21 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
It is so exciting and affirming to even get the things like the Costco card with your female photo and name on it....   enjoy these moments along with the other good things that you have been reporting.

HUGS,
Danielle

 
Even the smallest of steps are progress.

Got a new Costco card this morning. It has a current picture and my name ’Kate’ on it!!!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on March 24, 2020, 02:23:25 pm
I can imagine how sweet that felt. I bet it brought a smile to your face.

Hugs

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on March 26, 2020, 07:01:30 pm
Well I got the call today.  Orchi surgery scheduled for 4/14 is now postponed because of the moratorium on ‘elective’ surgeries.

‘Elective’ is a matter of opinion!

That said, I knew this was coming.  My middle daughter is a provider at this hospital system, and she told me 2 weeks ago that they were postponing ‘non-emergency.’  She does radiation oncology and she was talking about her practice stratifying patients based on the aggressiveness of their tumors.

21 months ago, I might have gone off the deep end.  Today, I’ve made so much progress.  I’m a woman now, albeit with a few extraneous body parts.  It’s as bummer, but I’ll work toward the reschedule.

On the plus side, today I heard from Dr. Gallagher at her new practice. They gave me the info I need for the referral letters and insurance precert.  Sh’e not doing the Peritoneal yet.  That’s my preference so I’m in no hurry.

So it’s been another 2 steps forward, 1 step back; but, hey, I’m still one further step down the road.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on March 26, 2020, 08:16:44 pm
Sorry to hear you're going to have to wait longer. How long had you been waiting,?

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 26, 2020, 10:02:38 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
Well, this is very disappointing NEWS that you reported but certainly it is a delay for important health safety reasons as your daughter confirmed to you.... 
... at least, like you stated, "2 steps forward, 1 step back" so at least you are moving forward ONE STEP at a time!!!!

Be patient, keep working on getting your new appointment.... your time will come!!!

Thank you for keeping me and the rest of your followers up to date with your transition endeavors.
We are all rooting for your happiness and for your success.

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 04, 2020, 05:51:10 pm
This was in today's mail.  It's old news, but it was still nice to read it!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200404/b09b9ac9983cf324e1f760ed9fecd56f.jpg)


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 04, 2020, 06:18:25 pm
@KateR
Dear Kathryn:
Thank you for sharing and posting your "old" news.
Things are progressing quite nicely for you...

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on April 04, 2020, 07:18:14 pm
That's awesome.

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 04, 2020, 11:58:19 pm
Well I missed my Kansas City girlfriends, so I started texting.  Jadyn, a girlfriend who also has a career in info tech and I started talking and we set up a Discord server so we all could chat and do group voice calls.

We then decided to set up our support group for electronic meetings, the first coming up Tuesday.

After group meetings, a bunch of us would go to a local pizza joynt and just talk, eat, drink, and have a girls night out.

So when I set up our on-line meeting, I had an idea. 

I called the manager of our pizza joynt and inquired if he had any pictures of the place.  Of course, he did.  He sent me about 20 and I created a roughly 2.5 minute video slideshow and choreographed it to a song entitled Simpler Times.  The last picture is of his marquee where he was honoring / teasing us.  He had it up for almost a whole month and it simply said 'Pizza is cheaper than therapy.'

So here's the question running through my alleged mind.  Am I rubbing salt into wounds, or will it be received with hope of going back when all this Covid-19 stuff has passed?


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on April 05, 2020, 12:16:46 am
Well I missed my Kansas City girlfriends, so I started texting.  Jadyn, a girlfriend who also has a career in info tech and I started talking and we set up a Discord server so we all could chat and do group voice calls.

We then decided to set up our support group for electronic meetings, the first coming up Tuesday.

After group meetings, a bunch of us would go to a local pizza joynt and just talk, eat, drink, and have a girls night out.

So when I set up our on-line meeting, I had an idea. 

I called the manager of our pizza joynt and inquired if he had any pictures of the place.  Of course, he did.  He sent me about 20 and I created a roughly 2.5 minute video slideshow and choreographed it to a song entitled Simpler Times.  The last picture is of his marquee where he was honoring / teasing us.  He had it up for almost a whole month and it simply said 'Pizza is cheaper than therapy.'

So here's the question running through my alleged mind.  Am I rubbing salt into wounds, or will it be received with hope of going back when all this Covid-19 stuff has passed?


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Since you gals had fun eating and drinking there I'd say hopes of doing it again and reminiscing of the good times.

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 08, 2020, 09:59:19 pm
About a year ago there was a thread about the silliest thing we had done during our transition.  Don't know what ever happened to that thread.  If I found it I'd add this:

Thinking I still had the strength and stamina I had two summers ago.

After 2 days of yard repair and cleanup, everything hurts.  However, what really drove this realization home, was being unable to get 2 hands behind my back to unclasp my bra!

The things, back in the day, I never would have thought about.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 08, 2020, 10:17:54 pm
@KateR
Dear Kathryn:
I think this is the thread that you are looking for.
You started the following thread on September 28, 2018

   What has been the silliest thing you’ve done so far during your transition?
  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241217.msg2179349.html#msg2179349

HUGS,
Danielle

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

About a year ago there was a thread about the silliest thing we had done during our transition.  Don't know what ever happened to that thread.  If I found it I'd add this:

Thinking I still had the strength and stamina I had two summers ago.

After 2 days of yard repair and cleanup, everything hurts.  However, what really drove this realization home, was being unable to get 2 hands behind my back to unclasp my bra!

The things, back in the day, I never would have thought about.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on April 09, 2020, 02:54:52 am
Same for me after a day cleaning up and moving stuff from my unit, have even more to do today and I was exhausted last night . Could hardly pick up my glass of wine ---------------
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 11, 2020, 11:00:05 am
You know, I’m starting to wonder what’s more dangerous for me; the coved-19 virus, or all the cooking and eating I’m doing during this ‘shelter-in-place’ order?

I’m reverting to the Southern Style cooking I grew up with!

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on April 11, 2020, 11:24:07 am
I think we will all be on severe diets after lock down!!!
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: madeleine on April 11, 2020, 12:18:06 pm
You know, I’m starting to wonder what’s more dangerous for me; the coved-19 virus, or all the cooking and eating I’m doing during this ‘shelter-in-place’ order?

I’m reverting to the Southern Style cooking I grew up with!

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What southern food are you cooking Kate?  I love southern food.
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 11, 2020, 03:33:59 pm
This morning was Mashed Potato Pancakes, fruit and bacon.

This week has been skillet fried ham & chicken fried steak.

Of course to do the Mashed Potato Pancakes there was a big pot of mashed potatoes on Tuesday.

There’s been biscuits & sausage gravy for breakfast a couple of times.  (Made a bunch on Monday, and reheated it on Thursday.)

I guess to balance it out a bit, every Friday we’ve been having some type of fish.

(I need to find some canned salmon and make some Salmon Patties or I think some call them Salmon Croquets.)

Finally, I have the stuff to do homemade jambalaya on rice.  That’s looking like one next weeks endeavors.

Last weekend was cold, so I made a pot of chili.  That’s not necessarily southern, but it is almost gone.

Tomorrow, I’ll do something with a pork roast.

The refrigerator is normally only this full of stuff after we’ve been invaded by our 3 daughters and their families for a weekend, holiday, or something.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: madeleine on April 11, 2020, 03:40:54 pm
That all sounds great.  I would just add some fried chicken, but that is so much work.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 12, 2020, 01:43:53 pm
I was thinking about that last night.

My problem with chicken, and other fowl, is that it takes so much work to get the meat off the bones.

I have some half breasts that are already off the bone.  I think I will do that sometime in the next week or so, and see how it works out.

(I think the reason chicken is healthier is because of all the work involved in eating it!  ;-)


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: madeleine on April 13, 2020, 02:16:59 pm
I just think fried chicken takes too much work.  Yesterday my sister and hre boy came over with take out fried chicken that was delicious.  As far as getting it off the bone, I don't use a knife and fork and I don't leave much!
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 14, 2020, 09:35:52 am
The other delay in my fried chicken is I need to get some buttermilk!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on April 14, 2020, 12:11:44 pm
Have you tried "cheats" buttermilk. Just add lemon juice to normal milk
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 16, 2020, 11:25:37 am
Nope I never heard of cheats buttermilk.  I'll have to try it some time.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 16, 2020, 12:03:18 pm
You have set me a banquet of love, in the face of hatred.

We lost a family member, a cousin, to COVID-19 last Thursday.  The funeral was this morning and the Parish graciously live streamed it for us that were barred from attending because of lock downs.

I was out to them.

I was thinking about that scripture, about how many of us have to live this on a daily basis.  Many of us have to deal with transphobia, homophobia, many times from our own families.

Tom struggled to understand what was inside me; what would drive me to the decisions I have made for myself, but he never rejected me.  He always treated me with respect.

Rest in the peace of God!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 18, 2020, 07:58:31 pm
That all sounds great.  I would just add some fried chicken, but that is so much work.
Well Madeleine, I did the fried chicken this evening.  I started about noon and marinated it in buttermilk and an egg.  Then I mixed up crushed mustard seed, tarragon, garlic, oregano, ginger, thyme, salt & pepper and flour.  I coated the marinated chicken my flour & spice mixture. I put one cup of Mediterranean blend oil in the skillet and took it outside to the bar-b-que grill.

About forty minutes of frying later I had fried chicken!

So now I have fried chicken leftovers to go with my potato leftovers, and roast leftovers.

(Not to worried about starving during the lock down right now.)


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: madeleine on April 19, 2020, 10:21:28 am
Well Madeleine, I did the fried chicken this evening.  I started about noon and marinated it in buttermilk and an egg.  Then I mixed up crushed mustard seed, tarragon, garlic, oregano, ginger, thyme, salt & pepper and flour.  I coated the marinated chicken my flour & spice mixture. I put one cup of Mediterranean blend oil in the skillet and took it outside to the bar-b-que grill.

About forty minutes of frying later I had fried chicken!

So now I have fried chicken leftovers to go with my potato leftovers, and roast leftovers.

(Not to worried about starving during the lock down right now.)


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WOW.  That sounds like some amazing fried chicken.  It's a lot more sophisticated than what I do.  I wish I was there to try some! 
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 20, 2020, 01:31:50 pm
Well I finally broke down and did it.  As expected the results were depressing.





I stepped on the scale this morning.          


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on April 20, 2020, 02:01:10 pm
mine are "faulty" as well ::)
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on April 23, 2020, 04:44:51 pm
mine are "faulty" as well ::)
You're not alone. Lol

Hugs

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on April 27, 2020, 12:18:17 pm
24 years ago today, I married my best friend, and my love.

Roughly 18 months ago I turned her world upside down.

Today she gave me this:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200427/64827923f56697760b83bf8a96944516.jpg)

Makes me cry every time I look at it!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on April 27, 2020, 01:48:56 pm
That is SO nice , hugs XXX
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: madeleine on April 27, 2020, 03:55:50 pm
24 years ago today, I married my best friend, and my love.

Roughly 18 months ago I turned her world upside down.

Today she gave me this:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200427/64827923f56697760b83bf8a96944516.jpg)

Makes me cry every time I look at it!


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Oh wow, beautiful.  Of course you do!
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on April 27, 2020, 06:07:06 pm
Ahhh That's so nice.....

Hugs

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: CynthiaAnn on April 28, 2020, 08:07:19 am
24 years ago today, I married my best friend, and my love.

Roughly 18 months ago I turned her world upside down.

Today she gave me this:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200427/64827923f56697760b83bf8a96944516.jpg)

Makes me cry every time I look at it!



That was lovely to see, congratulations to you both on 24 years.

Cyndi
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: ChrissyRyan on April 28, 2020, 08:10:12 am
24 years ago today, I married my best friend, and my love.

Roughly 18 months ago I turned her world upside down.

Today she gave me this:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200427/64827923f56697760b83bf8a96944516.jpg)

Makes me cry every time I look at it!


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Very nice.   :)  :)

Chrissy
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 12, 2020, 12:29:36 am
Well there’s been one good thing that’s come out of this COVID-19 stuff.

I’ve been able to spend more time with my KC girlfriends than I would have been able to otherwise.

With our 3 hangouts closed, we moved our GNO on-line.  (Unfortunately that does force us into a BYOB situation.)  I haven’t missed one since. 

It’s one night a week where we laugh, cry, carry on, gossip a little, and most importantly - enjoy each other’s friendship and company.

What I love about this group is that we’re all older, professional women; 2 M.D.s, 3 Engineers, 2 IT Pros, and a Commercial Real Estate Owner.  We’re definitely not the stereotypical MTF community.

I’ll just sum it up as this:  I’ve never felt more understood and connected than I do with these ladies!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 16, 2020, 09:52:04 pm
Well it’s getting real and I’m getting excited and nervous.

Surgery is Tuesday.

Cleared the last hurdle today, a Covid-19 test.  It came back Negative!!!!

Only thing left is my approximate $500.00 Copay (to be paid when I check in) and 2 unwanted parts are goners!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 16, 2020, 10:10:58 pm
@KateR
This is terrific news, thank you for sharing.
Only 3 days from now you will finally be getting your much desired surgery.
I am wishing you well and please, please, keep me and the rest of your followers updated as you feel comfortable doing.

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
   

Well it’s getting real and I’m getting excited and nervous.

Surgery is Tuesday.

Cleared the last hurdle today, a Covid-19 test.  It came back Negative!!!!

Only thing left is my approximate $500.00 Copay (to be paid when I check in) and 2 unwanted parts are goners!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 17, 2020, 07:38:51 am
Congratulations and good luck !
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 17, 2020, 11:00:00 am
Got this out of the blue yesterday. Its from my primary care doctor.  My surgery is being done by a colleague of theirs so its all part of the same health system.  Just the fact that they’ed take a moment to write this, I find so, so cool and sweet.


Thinking about you
Hi Kate,
 
I am writing this message on May 14 but hopefully it will deploy in your inbox on the eve of your big day.  I am so excited for you.  Please let me know if you need anything.
 
Kris Humphreys


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 17, 2020, 01:16:46 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
Thank you so very much for sharing the note from your doctors.

All I can say is WOW... it is very unusual to get that kind of personal support and a personal message... and their words were very sweet and supportive.

Wishing you well on Tuesday.
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle


Got this out of the blue yesterday. Its from my primary care doctor.  My surgery is being done by a colleague of theirs so its all part of the same health system.  Just the fact that they’ed take a moment to write this, I find so, so cool and sweet.


Thinking about you
Hi Kate,
 
I am writing this message on May 14 but hopefully it will deploy in your inbox on the eve of your big day.  I am so excited for you.  Please let me know if you need anything.
 
Kris Humphreys


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 18, 2020, 02:30:31 am
It’s 2:25 AM Monday morning as I write this.  I’m wide awake.

In 27 hours I’ll undergo the first of 3 surgeries to correct the birth defects in this body.

My mind is going a million different places every second.  “I’m crazy for wanting to do this.  Finally!  I can’t wait any longer!  I’m gonna hurt for a while. Anesthesia is a poison....  Is this worth turning the people who love me world upside down?”

I think the answer lies in the words of my oldest daughter.  “Kate, the anger you carried is gone.  I see it in your Facebook posts and how you relate to us [your family].  You’re finally living as yourself.”

Now if my mind will calm down enough to put this phone back on it’s charger and go to sleep.....


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 18, 2020, 11:25:13 am
Just took the last spironolactone that I will ever need!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 18, 2020, 02:53:57 pm
I’m goin to Kansas CityKansas City here I come


I’m goin to Kansas CityKansas City here I come

They've got some pretty little women there, and I'm a becoming one


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on May 18, 2020, 03:45:30 pm
May it all go well, good luck sound wrong but you know what I mean . XXXX
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 18, 2020, 03:46:48 pm
@KateR
Here is your new theme song.... the original artist!!!
Wishing you well and wishing you success and happiness.
I will eagerly be looking for your updates..
..
HUGS and more HUGS   
Danielle

                          "Kansas City" by Wilbert Harrison"
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfTRUP_4p7c
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 18, 2020, 05:38:28 pm
@KateR

I was actually thinking of this one as possibly being your theme!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6pmZE1Qtyw
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 19, 2020, 06:37:35 am
I’m gonna be laying on the table at 43rd & Wornall


I’m gonna be laying on the table at 43rd & Wornall

With my Kansas City body and a bottle of Kansas  City Meds


( I know, leaves something to be desired. )


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 19, 2020, 10:20:10 am
It’s official:  I’m an it!!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 19, 2020, 11:35:26 am
It’s official:  I’m an it!!!!!


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It lives and breathes  :D

Congrats !

C
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 19, 2020, 11:38:39 am
It’s official:  I’m an it!!!!!


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@KateR
Dear Kate:
Terrific update, thank you for keeping me and the rest of your followers informed !!!!
We have been and are still continuing to root for your success and happiness.

Thank you for sharing.
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 19, 2020, 12:28:06 pm
Patty’s driving and we’ve started home.

I’ve been in hospitals many times through the years for one thing or another and one of the first things I would do when discharged is rip off the ID bracelet(s) and throw them away.  I always found them irritating.

These 2 I want to keep and put them in my journal.  So they’re staying on until I get home where we have scissors.



OK Final verse:

I’ve been to Kansas CityKansas City I was there

I’ve been to Kansas CityKansas City I was there

They've got some pretty little women there, and now, I am one


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 19, 2020, 04:15:35 pm
“Warning, Warning, warning Will Robinson.”

(How many remember that TV show?)

“I’m not responsible for breaking screens on phones, tablets, or computers.  Scroll down at your own risk!”

Today was another milestone.  Today is the first time I wore a dress in public WHEN Patty WAS WITH ME.

(I wear dresses whenever I want to.)

Remember I had surgery this morning so there is no jewelry or make-up.  So this is not a ‘You look fabulous darlin” pic!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200519/4926f16a3d0cf385359be12c098e175f.jpg)


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 19, 2020, 04:31:43 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate: 
It is great to see your photo and that you are up and about after your surgery. 

Oh yes, I remember the Robot in Lost in Space...
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWwOJlOI1nU

Please rest and take it easy and heal up real good!!!
Thank you for sharing and posting.
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 20, 2020, 02:32:57 pm
Hi all

I’m taking today really easy.

Getting up and around but didn’t get dressed and thinking I won’t today.

Dealing with I mild allergic reaction to something.  I have an itch rash on my face.  Took some Benadryl.  It’s not getting any worse. It’s just nuisance.

My throat is actually sorer than the surgery site.  I woke while still intubated so I irritated my throat worse than most people probably do.

Now that this is done and covid is slowing down I’m going to get my consults scheduled with NYU Langone.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 20, 2020, 02:49:05 pm
Hi all

I’m taking today really easy.

Getting up and around but didn’t get dressed and thinking I won’t today.

Dealing with I mild allergic reaction to something.  I have an itch rash on my face.  Took some Benadryl.  It’s not getting any worse. It’s just nuisance.

My throat is actually sorer than the surgery site.  I woke while still intubated so I irritated my throat worse than most people probably do.

Now that this is done and covid is slowing down I’m going to get my consults scheduled with NYU Langone.

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@KateR
Dear Kate:
I was hoping that I would see another update from you today... thank you for posting.

The rash on your face might be from the mask and incubation during your surgery.   
... certainly a sore throat is normal after being incubated as well, even if you don't wake up prematurely while being incubated....   at least it was for me when I have had surgeries.

YES indeed, take it easy....  rest up.
I am so glad to read that you are going to get your consults scheduled soon.  Hopefully you can get an agreeable date on your calendar for that.

Thank you for sharing...
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 22, 2020, 10:36:16 am
Good morning all:

Today, I’m still healing up nicely.  My doctor changed my pain med and my facial rash cleared up.

Yesterday, I was permitted to take a shower.  As you can guess it was long and hot and felt soooo good.  I was really glad to finally wash my hair.  I don’t know what had happened but it had gotten really stringy.

Today’s song is “Ice, Ice, Baby” because I’m doing a lot of that....

Silly me didn’t realize this is Memorial Day weekend in the US until Wednesday evening.  We’re keeping it low key, just Patty & I.  Our girls and their families have decided they’re not ready to brave the reopenings yet.  So we’re all staying in quarantine for another week or so.  There’s plenty of spring house maintenance to finish up for all of us.

Speaking of quarantine - yes, I believe we’re still dealing with some gravitational wave that’s causing all the scales to go faulty and read high..  I’ll be so glad when that clears up!

I’ll be interested to get updated blood work soon.  I know the blood work right before surgery had my eGFR at 62 - the lowest I’ve ever seen it.  (60 is the line where they start treating you for Kidney Disease). So I’m so glad to get off the spironalactone.  I’m also glad to be forever done with Testosterone.  My only regrets - not doing this years ago.  One surgery down, 2 to go.   I know it’s crazy but I’m looking forward to completing them.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 22, 2020, 10:51:42 am
So I’m so glad to get off the spironalactone.  I’m also glad to be forever done with Testosterone. 

I know what you mean on above, spiro was hard on the kidneys for me....
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 24, 2020, 06:15:25 pm
Well I got my biopsy back from Tuesday’s little surgery:


- Testicular atrophy with azoospermia.
- There is no evidence of malignancy.

I laughed.  (Of course Patty was a little sad....)

“Testicular atrophy with azoospermia”?  You think Estradiol would do that?

I’m glad to be rid of them. 

Now to figure out how to bring Patty along with what I need to do for me.  :-]  I do want her to be happy!!!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 24, 2020, 07:59:39 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
That sure is good news regarding the biopsy.

Wishing you well with what comes next for you and your spouse....

HUGS and my best wishes....

Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 27, 2020, 01:26:11 pm
Hi all:

Well I just got home from another trip to KC.

I saw the surgeon yesterday.  I’m healing up properly, and am to start on scar mitigation.

I saw my endo today, and we discussed my updated Hormone Routine.  We’re starting by cutting my estradiol dose in half and do blood work in 4 weeks.  We will adjust from there.

She also told me it was time...

She ordered Mams.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 27, 2020, 02:02:37 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
That is good news regarding your followup with your surgeon and that you are healing up properly.
A word of free advice, do not skip on the scar mitigation... 
....usually if done "by the book" many scars will just about disappear.

Kudos to you for getting regular visits with your endo... regular checkups and blood-work are essential for sure.

She also told me it was time...
She ordered Mams.

Awe... another ritual of being a woman...  I trust that your future mammogram test goes well.
If you have not read it yet, here is my experience with breast exams and my (free) advice about getting checked regularly.
       Mammogram alert (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,250316.0.html)

HUGS, and as always, wishing you well.
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 27, 2020, 11:02:27 pm
Hi Danielle:

Thanks for the reminder.

I remember you going through all that last fall.  I’m grateful for you that it was benign.

As a ritual of womanhood, I knew it was coming.

Womanhood, as is manhood, is a package deal.  We trade one set of rituals for another set.  The difference is this we’re/I’m happy now.   

This ritual, while uncomfortable is another confirmation of my making it to womanhood.  Strangely enough that makes it a bit exciting.

I know, I’m weird!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 28, 2020, 04:14:28 am
Womanhood, as is manhood, is a package deal.  We trade one set of rituals for another set.  The difference is this we’re/I’m happy now.   

This ritual, while uncomfortable is another confirmation of my making it to womanhood.  Strangely enough that makes it a bit exciting.

I know, I’m weird!

With the exception of your last sentence there, I agree!

In my case, though, I'm all about being me. I have come to embrace being trans and now view that as a really positive aspect of me.

I have no wish to conform to all of the stereotypical female behaviours. I want to learn to sound like a woman, but I don't want to give up the ability to sound like a man. I have the level of confidence necessary to be me, not passing as female unless I want to, which saves me from desiring a lot of surgeries. The only one I'm thinking of is the GRS.

Having freed myself from the shackles of male gender conformance, as I put it recently, I see no reason to wear the shackles of female gender conformance. I want to be me!
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on May 30, 2020, 05:12:01 am
Ellie

You go!  More power to you.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on May 30, 2020, 02:21:44 pm
Congratulations on your surgery. I'm glad to hear your doing well.

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 03, 2020, 07:03:48 pm
Well stitches came out this morning.  Everything looks and feels just fine.

Have a hiccup with Aetna.  They paid everything but the physician’s charge.  So I need to run down where that disconnect is.  I have the Clinical Policy Bulletin for my plan saying the procedure is covered and the pre-authorization letter.  So something is mismatching.

I’m also now officially registered with NYU Langone’s Transgender Surgery program for my full FFS & GCS.  Glad to have that clock ticking now.

Finally, I think I’m liking the public face mask requirements.  When I have mask on, I never get misgendered!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 05, 2020, 06:00:27 pm
Whoever said ‘Honesty is the best policy’ obviously wasn’t Trans!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 05, 2020, 09:15:33 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
I completely understand your sentiment about 'Honesty" but regarding my own experience in my transition I wanted to control how and when my friends, business clients and townspeople found out about my past.   When it was time, and I knew when the time was, I made the "global" announcement myself so that there would be no gossip or whispered conversations about me.

Best wishes to you....
HUGS,

Danielle

Whoever said ‘Honesty is the best policy’ obviously wasn’t Trans!

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on June 06, 2020, 02:58:06 am
Whoever said ‘Honesty is the best policy’ obviously wasn’t Trans!

To add to what Danielle said, I felt a HUGE weight off my shoulders when I came out as trans.

Keeping secrets can be stressful.

I do recognise of course that there are down sides. - E
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 19, 2020, 05:41:50 pm
I know this song is 10 years old.  However, I heard it on the radio today.

I’ve always had an emotional response every time I’ve heard it; Jealousy, Envy, Sadness, maybe a little Arousal.

Again, I heard this on the radio today and my response was “Yeah! I got this!”  (and looking forward to next Wednesday’s GNO.  It’s our first one since quarantine.)


https://youtu.be/ZJL4UGSbeFg


Halfway through transition and enjoying my “prerogative to have a little fun!”

Oh and Wednesday’s dress.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200619/265fb9c0842a34aefce14001d2bec8ac.jpg)


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on June 21, 2020, 04:49:33 am
I've always loved and felt connected to that song.

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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 21, 2020, 10:39:18 am
Hi all

This week is a busy week on the Transition railway.

Electrolysis on Tuesday, Mams on Wednesday (and GNO Wednesday evening) and 5 week surgery follow up on Thursday.

I'm going to have to tell my Surgeon that he, obviously has never been kicked down there.  He told me I'd feel like I'd been kicked by a bull.

I was kicked by a horse, growing up (she didn't appreciate my shodding efforts). That hurt way worse, and for a much longer period of time this little surgery did.

OH - why railway vs. highway.

It was suggested to me it's like I'm on a runaway freight train.   I'm OK with that analogy.  At this point I can't get off without killing myself, and frankly I don't want off.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 21, 2020, 12:34:31 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
I noticed that you had some difficulty attaching the song video to your previous posting.... 
Thank you for sharing and posting your continuing story.   
As one of your avid followers I am always looking for posts and updates on your thread and elsewhere on the various threads on the forums.
HUGS,   
Danielle


.....    here it is:

      Shania Twain - Man! I Feel Like A Woman
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJL4UGSbeFg
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 23, 2020, 10:55:04 pm
Well today was the first day of this weeks travels. 

I had to stop for diesel and one of the associates was outside collecting the trash from the cans by the pumps.

We struck up a conversation and it quickly became the most affirming thing that has happened to me recently.

He stopped what he was doing and pumped my fuel for me.  It was the most chivalrous thing that I’ve experienced.

Tomorrow afternoon is the big squeeze, then our first Girls Night Out since quarantine.

I heard from NYU and Dr. Bluebond-Langer’s office.   Things are moving forward there. 

It’s been a very affirming day!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 23, 2020, 11:16:47 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
I love reading good news reports of affirming things happening, and the special attention you received when getting fuel for you car.

Aweee .... girls night out, sounds like fun.... what are the fun plans? ???

I hope that you get the news that you are desiring from your doctor... 

Keep your updates coming.... 

HUGS and HUGS,
Danielle

Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 24, 2020, 08:00:16 am
Danielle

Thanks for asking about tonight’s plans.

Since this is are first time back together since the lock down it’s going to be fairly low keyed.  We’re meeting at a restaurant called “Mickey’s Hideaway” and it’s Red Dress night.  So we’re all going to be wearing a red(ish) dresses.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on June 24, 2020, 04:55:16 pm
Preliminary read of today’s ‘big squeeze’ is:

Gynecomastia, but no other abnormalities.

And since the gynecomastia is ‘intentional’ we’ll take  pictures again next year.

I do have to give them credit.  Since they understood my trans status, they skipped over the period and pregnancy stuff.

( Little do they know; even though motherhood is not in the cards for me, I wouldn’t reject it. )


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 24, 2020, 05:05:48 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
I am glad to read that your Mammogram Test came out OK.... continued frequent testing is always a good thing to have done.
Here is a thread that I posted last year that may be of interest to you....
                                Mammogram alert (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,250316.0.html)
HUGS,
Danielle



Preliminary read of today’s ‘big squeeze’ is:

Gynecomastia, but no other abnormalities.

And since the gynecomastia is ‘intentional’ we’ll take  pictures again next year.

I do have to give them credit.  Since they understood my trans status, they skipped over the period and pregnancy stuff.

( Little do they know; even though motherhood is not in the cards for me, I wouldn’t reject it. )


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 08, 2020, 12:58:30 pm
Good Morning friends:

It’s been a while since I posted and I thought you all would like to know what’s going on.

Most recently we had the carpets cleaned and in moving stuff for the carpet cleaner I found a plaque from a renaissance festival.   It reads ‘Beware of the Wench.’   Well as a person who has a wife, an ex-wife, and 3 daughters, when I was asked ‘Who’s the Wench?’  My response was always ‘Can’t tell you, it changes on daily basis!’  Why am I sharing this?  I observed that lately “I’ve been the Wench!”

Additionally, in this blog I’ve wanted to share not only my physical successes (and occasional setbacks), I’ve wanted to share some inside stuff as well.

I’ve realized that my biggest fear in my life is that I won’t be able to complete this transition.  There are two parts to that fear.  First is that something would happen medically that would stop it or kill me.  My response is that of the two, the later is preferred and I’ve gone so far as to tell my wife, if she has to, please bury ‘Kate.’  Second is the fear that I never make it to fully live as the woman I am.  It’s not a physical thing. It’s a mental thing where I see other women and long to have that personality, or be that free, or even have some sexiness about me.

I have no reason to doubt I will complete this journey, but I have to acknowledge the fear is a repeat visitor.

Physically, electrolysis on my face is almost over.

Unfortunately Dr. Bluebond-Langer confirmed a suspicion that I’ve had.   I need to have some permanent hair removal down there before the next surgery. 

I politely broached the subject with my electrologist.   She indicated that with some documentation from my therapist, she is willing to do it for me.  She bluntly stated ‘I don’t work on men.’ However she was willing to work on me.  She has done before for patients of other surgeons. 

Had my final follow-up from my orchi last week.  That’s healed up nicely.  There is still the scar treatment that I will be doing for the next few months.  During one of those little self treatments, I felt the need to poke around a bit and make sure those two little pains were gone.  They were!!!

Things are moving forward.  Yea!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 08, 2020, 01:28:07 pm
@KateR
Dear Kathryn:
I have been waiting and waiting for your next update...
....thank you for posting and sharing and keeping me and the rest
of your followers in the loop regarding what is going on with you.

I had to laugh a bit regarding your "wench" comments!!!

I am glad that you Orchi post-surgery experiences are OK and that you are healing well.

Oh yes... permanent hair removal down there before the next surgery is indeed a necessary evil... it can make anyone a "wench" !!!   :D :o
... OH and be sure to bring along something to bite on while the procedure is going on... and after!!!

I am always wishing you well, we are your biggest fans and are always
wanting you to have happiness and success.

Thank you for posting and sharing.

HUGS and HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 10, 2020, 08:00:12 am
Hi all

I’m a bit remiss in posting this.

Our youngest daughter and her family visited over the Fourth of July weekend.  It’s the first time they’ve been here since I fully came out.

When they arrived, her youngest daughter came up to me and the first thing she said as she gave me a big hug was “I like your new name.”

Aren’t grandchildren wonderful?

(Yeah I know the hug was a big social distancing violation, but how do you not love on your grandchildren.)


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on July 10, 2020, 10:09:33 am
Beautiful child.  What a nice thing to hear Kate!
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 16, 2020, 11:09:21 am
Sometimes big businesses like Microsoft are too big. 

You may, or may not know that Microsoft bought LinkedIn a few years back.  Well I’ve been slowly changing over my online world to Kathryn & Kate, and a few months ago I changed my Microsoft information over.

LinkedIn was going to be one of the last, if not the last, I was going to change.  Probably the main reason for that is that I’m still looking for the ‘You Look Fabulous Darling’ picture to be my new profile picture.

Well this morning I had a reason to get on LinkedIn, and lo and behold, the profile pops up Kathryn with my 10 year old photo from ‘back in the day.’

Well I took that photo down, and just left my profile as it now is.

I don’t really care.  I do wish Microsoft would have let me change everything at one time vs. piecemealing it.

So moral to the story; If you want to keep your LinkedIn as your dead name, don’t change any Microsoft account info!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 20, 2020, 01:29:49 pm
Do you believe in prophetic events?

Let me share some backstory first.

I graduated from the University of Missouri (Mizzou).

Back at the turn of the Century (seems like such a long time ago) the University embarked on a Billion dollar capital campaign.  That was back when a billion dollars was some real money.  I donated.

Toward the end of the campus construction boon the university and the alumni association designated part of the new main concourse through campus 'Traditions Plaza'.  The plaza is paved with bricks and for a nominal fee you could be forever memorialized with an engraved brick.  In 2011, I purchased a brick for myself.

The main values of the university, and they've been the same for as long as I can rember, are Tradition, Responsibility, Respect, Pride, Diversity, and Discovery.  The Plaza is sectioned according to those values.

Well I finally got around to locating the brick that was installed for me back in 2012, back when I was still strenuously suppressing my true identity.

It's located in Diversity.

Given where I am today, transitioning to live the rest of my life as I truly am, I thought how appropriate.

Then the realization that even though I didn't accept it, someone or something knew what I was ultimately  going to decide I needed to do, and put the brick where it belonged.



I guess the next question is what will it cost me to pull the old brick up which has my dead name, and replace it with my real name.  Alas, a question for another day.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on July 20, 2020, 02:03:22 pm
You should trust in the force of nature, not a full on "believer/ wierdo"  but I do find stuff works out.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on July 21, 2020, 10:03:41 am
Congrats on your diversity Kate.
That IS pretty kool.

Laughing when I read "back when a billion dollars was some real money"

Hugs girl
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 24, 2020, 11:19:21 am
Well the clean out of my home office continues.  It’s amazing how much crud can be collected over a 30 year career.  This is even after destroying client files which I started very soon after my retirement.

Two items I found were books; John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and a book entitled “The Spirit Filled Father’s Guide to Total Victory”.  They both were given to me and frankly I don’t think I spent hardly any time reading either book.

As I looked at them I felt some anger.  I never was a man!  Yeah that was the facade that people saw.  However, it never was me!

The books are in the box to be donated to the thrift store.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on July 24, 2020, 05:23:20 pm
Two items I found were books; John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and a book entitled “The Spirit Filled Father’s Guide to Total Victory”.  They both were given to me and frankly I don’t think I spent hardly any time reading either book.

From what I remember, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is full of unsubstantiated content. I don't think it cites any research and I think it just shows what is stereotypical.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 27, 2020, 12:01:13 pm
Well I screwed up a bit yesterday.

Our oldest granddaughter brought 2 friends here to the lake this past weekend.  So there was a lot of time spent boating.

Sunday, being patch change day, kinda got half done.  The old patch was removed when I took a shower.  The new patch didn’t get put on - until this morning.

You know what, I feel emotionally yucky!

Who da thought 24 hours without a patch would affect me so much!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 27, 2020, 04:33:37 pm
@KateR
Dear Kathryn:
Based on my own experience, going ONE DAY without my patch, and even missing my oral doses/meds for one day was not a disaster.

Of course I am not a Doctor so my non-medical personal experience and opinion is just that..,.,.
 
Next time you have an appointment with your doctor you could ask them the question and see what they say.

For me, it was more of a mental thing missing the patch or dose and then my imagination went wild.

HUGS,
Danielle



Well I screwed up a bit yesterday.

Our oldest granddaughter brought 2 friends here to the lake this past weekend.  So there was a lot of time spent boating.

Sunday, being patch change day, kinda got half done.  The old patch was removed when I took a shower.  The new patch didn’t get put on - until this morning.

You know what, I feel emotionally yucky!

Who da thought 24 hours without a patch would affect me so much!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 29, 2020, 03:07:15 pm
Well I took another small step down the road of transition.


I booked my travel for my October appointments with the NYU Langone Transgender program.


I kept debating fly vs. drive.  I finally decided to fly it. 

Basically I found a round trip flight with Delta that is on a smaller jet where I would have no one sitting next to me.  It’s a first class ticket so it’s pricier, but I really want to minimize my Covid risk.

Another small step forward!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on July 29, 2020, 04:06:23 pm
You are first class Kate :)
Peace of mind.  It's booked.

I'm on the schedule there for consult with Dr RBL June 2021.  Time will tell how realistic NYC is for me, but it sounds like we were reaching out to some of the same surgeons.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on July 30, 2020, 05:57:59 pm
Maddie

Follow up with them periodically and let them know you would be willing to fill a cancellation slot (if you’re professional life would allow it.)

I was originally scheduled in December.  I am also consulting with Dr. Rodriguez for FFS.  So when I was setting my appointment with him, Rachel just took a moment to look at Dr. RBL’s schedule and note she had a cancellation for the day before my appointment for FFS.  So I asked for it.  It eliminated 1 trip to New York for me.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 05, 2020, 08:48:40 pm
@KateR
Dear Kathryn...

Wishing you
....a very :icon_flower: :icon_flower: Happy Birthday :icon_flower: :icon_flower:
I hope that your special day includes time with family and friends...
... with  Candles and CAKE.


HUGS and best wishes on your special day and birthday.
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: davina61 on August 06, 2020, 02:28:54 am
Happy birthday dear.
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 06, 2020, 07:52:09 pm
Thank you all and a special thank you to Sudan’s.org’s ‘Northern Star’, Danielle.

It’s been a wonderful day.

I received a pandora bracelet with some charms on it from my wife.  So cool.   It’s the start of a celebration of my life.  Again Sooooo Cooooll.


I’ve heard  from all our daughters and their families.  That was fun and sweet.   (It reminded me of a comment my father once made.  My sister called me one afternoon and said he needed a heart surgery.  It was scheduled for the next morning.  Well I booked myself on the first flight back to St. Louis for that morning, and met my sister and him at the hospital.  When he saw me he commented to the nurse ‘well the whole famn damly is here!’)


Cake is a Key Lime Bundt cake.   Very tasty especially with some coconut cream and whipped cream.  Really sweet and sour- just as I like it.

Side note.

I had face zapping yesterday.  I’m so glad we’re close to the end.  I seem to be getting more sensitive to it.  Looking in the mirror this morning, my first thought was “I’ve got the chicken pox  -  again.”  I was thinking about starting a new thread.  Instead of “You look fabulous, Darlin”’ I’d name it “I look hideous  - at the moment!” ;-)

That said, I’m nearing the end.  We’ve gone from every week, to every other week, and my next appointment is not for 3 weeks!!!!

Thanks again for the birthday wishes!!!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on August 06, 2020, 07:56:26 pm
Happy birthday to you!

Congratulations for coming do far with electro and everything :)
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 16, 2020, 02:47:05 pm
May need to start a new thread on this, but for now I’m going to put it in my thread.


The only downside to my transition has been the long repressed memories popping back up through my defense mechanisms.  There is the pain of how I was abused but then there are things that I’m not proud of while trying to prove I was a man.

Lately it’s been the later that really hit me hard last Thursday and then again this morning (Sunday) during Mass.

My next appointment with my therapist is Tuesday.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 16, 2020, 04:19:30 pm
@KateR
Dear Kathryn:
Rest assured, there is no need for you to start a new thread to discuss the issues that you are going through as mentioned in your last posting.
This is your Blog/Journal/Thread... and it is yours to discuss most matters relating to your personal transition journey.
 
YES INDEED, seeing your therapist in a couple of days, next Tuesday, is a good plan.  I trust that they can help you to work through some of your most difficult memories and moments.

Please keep me and the rest of your followers updated regarding your progress, but only post what you feel comfortable sharing.

HUGS and as always, my best wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on August 16, 2020, 04:40:22 pm
I visual a road Kate. 
It crosses borders of lives.
Forgiveness and separation.
Whatever you did or proved before dissolves in your dusty trail.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 17, 2020, 08:48:26 pm
Had to happen, I knew it would eventually.

My gender marker has been changed in my health systems electronic medical chart.

I just completed my “e check-in” for Wednesday’s semi annual labs and check up and for the first time it asked me all the “reproductive history” questions.

I smiled (and chuckled a little bit).


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 17, 2020, 09:13:30 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
Having the experience of getting those questions about pregnancy, periods, mammograms, pap smears etc... is always so very affirming.   

I will be very eager to keep updated as you are so inclined to share.,


HUGS, and more HUGS,
Danielle

- - - - - -
Had to happen, I knew it would eventually.

My gender marker has been changed in my health systems electronic medical chart.

I just completed my “e check-in” for Wednesday’s semi annual labs and check up and for the first time it asked me all the “reproductive history” questions.

I smiled (and chuckled a little bit).


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 17, 2020, 09:18:21 pm
@KateR
Dear Kate:
Having the experience of getting those questions about pregnancy, periods, mammograms, pap smears etc... is always so very affirming.   

I will be very eager to keep updated as you are so inclined to share.,


HUGS, and more HUGS,
Danielle

- - - - - -
“mammograms”

This is the same place that did my Mams last month?


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: mm on August 18, 2020, 10:26:13 am
KateR. you are being seen as a woman and can expect to get all the normal woman medical questions now.
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 19, 2020, 01:56:26 am
Well my Kansas City support group had our regular semi-monthly [Zoom] meeting this evening.

I didn’t start it; but for part of the evening we discussed what cis-women can assume about us when they don’t know the ‘whole’ story.   The best one was when (I’ll call her) Jen’s coworkers were wondering if she was dealing with morning sickness.

We’ve all had some awkward, if not humorous, conversations and, of course, our therapist/moderator used the topic to explore techniques for handling the awkward question or conversation.

Good meeting!

Then of course, thank you Jadyn, we all started reminiscing about the in-person meetings, pre-Covid, and how we missed going to a local pizza restaurant afterwards.  (It turns out she’s been having them deliver on support group night?  I’m Jealous!). Well, when she & I worked together to move the support group to zoom, I talked to the restaurant manager and put together a little 2 minute video of photographs from the restaurant and of some of the staff.  The last photo is a photo of his roadside sign board where he had up for a while:

“Pizza is cheaper than therapy”


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on August 29, 2020, 03:37:33 pm
Well the reason I’ve been quiet is that nothing is going on!

I’m doing the social distancing thing as best I can, and will continue to do so unt my October appointments with dr. Bluebond-Langner and Dr. Rodriguez.

I am dealing with some PTSD related to my service to the good ole USA.  My therapist, pastor and I have had a few discussions.   I’m going to do some EMDR therapy on it soon.  I think it’s good that I’m having to deal with it now.  My hope is that by dealing with it now, it will be less of an issue ‘on the other side!’

Face torture is pretty much over.  Next appointment will be in 4 weeks.

Now I just need to get rid of my quarantine 19!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 29, 2020, 08:37:46 pm
@KateR
Dear Kathryn:
Thanks for your update.... 10 days is way too long to not update your Blog/Thread....  you have followers such as myself that want to keep up with what is going on with you, even if it is nothing !!!

I love your new Avatar Profile photo.... the beautiful 3 ladies in red dresses !! :)

I am wishing you well with your EMDR therapy...

Thanks for sharing.
HUGS,
Danielle

Well the reason I’ve been quiet is that nothing is going on!

I’m doing the social distancing thing as best I can, and will continue to do so unt my October appointments with dr. Bluebond-Langner and Dr. Rodriguez.

I am dealing with some PTSD related to my service to the good ole USA.  My therapist, pastor and I have had a few discussions.   I’m going to do some EMDR therapy on it soon.  I think it’s good that I’m having to deal with it now.  My hope is that by dealing with it now, it will be less of an issue ‘on the other side!’

Face torture is pretty much over.  Next appointment will be in 4 weeks.

Now I just need to get rid of my quarantine 19!


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 01, 2020, 05:18:46 pm
Yes, they are my 2 closest girl friends.  That's Bobbie on the left and Jessica on the right.  That picture was from the one in-person 'Girls Night Out' we did in KC before we decided it was best to lock back down.  (Jessica is an MD, so if she's nervous - we all should be nervous.)  Also yes, it was red dress night.


I'm gonna have to work on red.  I've got about 4 lovely blackish dresses, but only the one reddish.....



Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Maddie on September 01, 2020, 05:51:58 pm
Congrats for reaching this point with face clearing Kate!!  :)
Hope the new life carries as little of the old mess as possible.

Lovely photo lady
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 01, 2020, 06:13:50 pm
I like this!  Look for it as a future avitar!
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200901/58bee4e9fa266a1b0cbd46dee98ca377.jpg)


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 03, 2020, 09:34:41 pm
Danger Will Robinson!

[URL]https://youtu.be/OWwOJlOI1nU/[URL]

(I recently saw where this now belongs to Disney. )

Waxing philosophical again.

I’m deliberately trying to post more frequently even though I don’t feel I have much to say.  Susan’s Place’s Northern Star, Danielle, lovingly suggested I need to post more often!


Still not much happening.   However I did, surprisingly, discover that one of the NYU surgeons, Dr. Markley, is now practicing in Kansas City.  I have a consult with him on 9/25/2020 for FFS.  I’ll still go to NY City in October for those consults.  Needless to say, lead time before I can be scheduled for surgery is something I’m looking at.

On the home front I’ve noticed that Patty & I are sharing more and borrowing (stealing) each other’s stuff.  Compliments of my girl friend, Jessica, I’ve gotten into White House Black Market for some really cute dresses.  I’ve just discovered they’re not necessarily my dresses.  I guess it’s a good thing I’ve found 5 dresses I think I look good in.

Patty and are going to Florida the week of the 12th to play some golf.  This trip was originally scheduled for last winter and, compliments of Covid, was rescheduled twice.  It’s now very much a ‘do it or lose it’ situation.

I’m presenting female (full time) and will tee off with my spouse.  Since they will typically match us up to other couples, I’m wondering what the couple we’re playing with will want to do.   (Not that I care!). Actually the bigger question is how my son-in-laws want to handle our charity tournament team.   We’re thinking I just need to wear a skirt and play short.  Three guys and a gal that can drive from the tee, this could really be a winning team!

As the completion of my medical transition gets closer, I’m think more about the women I’ve met that don’t have the resources I do; or have met with more resistance from their families and loved ones than I have.  I find myself becoming more and more of an activist and am actually looking into what I can do to establish an emergency assistance program in the Midwest.  I’m currently researching what’s already available and documenting where the gaps are.

Finally, I’m still dealing with the estradiol effects on my depth perception.  This evening I slammed my right hand against the end of the sofa.  No big deal, except for the glass that was in that hand.  It shattered into a million pieces when the floor rose up to meet it.  (OK, it was really more like 100 pieces).  It seems to get worse when Lillie and Rachel get tender - which they are right now.

Lillie & Rachel, you ask?  They are the girls that make up my bust.  I figured those were better names than left & right...


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 03, 2020, 11:16:49 pm
@KateR
Dear Kathryn:
Here is your youtube video link that will autoplay on postings.

This is one of my favorites...  "Danger, Will Robinson!" (From Lost in Space)

HUGS,
Danielle


               https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWwOJlOI1nU
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 05, 2020, 05:05:02 pm
I’m not who I am not, but I am not yet who I am.




Spent the money for the Disney+ Mulan.   It hit nerves on multiple levels.


I don’t want to start an argument but Mulan is very much a Trans story. Maybe Mulan is not FTM but she is definitely non-binary.  She’s stuck between to identities - stuck between two lives.  <not allowed>, I feel that these days!

She deals with misogyny - as we all deal with misogyny.  She triumphs.


Of course during this time I’m dealing with memories of Operation Desert Storm.  (The PTSD I posted about last week.)



Add to it, Beth, our youngest daughter decides to check in with us....


Emotions sky high at the moment.


I have yard that needs mowing


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 06, 2020, 03:14:42 pm
Emotions have calmed down today.

I guess I’m in that phase of my transition where impatience has set in.   

I’m so close, and yet so far.  (And COVID hasn’t helped.)

I know I’ll eventually completely get to who I am.  I know we all have our hiccups and delays.  Whether we will admit it, publicly, or not; we all have our moments of emotion and frustration.  It just took a movie to show me some turmoil inside.



On a different note:  I found a marinade recipe for pork.  Honey, soy sauce, garlic, basil, and parmigian cheese.  I guess I’ll start my quarantine 19 diet tomorrow.

 


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 09, 2020, 02:57:18 pm
I wish I could lose weight

As easily as I lose;

My car keys, my cell phone, my pen, my purse, my temper, and even my mind!


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Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 09, 2020, 03:00:29 pm
Well it was a sad day in the neighborhood.

About 18 months ago, Mickey Mouse celebrated his 90th birthday.  After weeks searching for a package of Mickey 90th Birthday Oreo Cookies in NOWHERE Oklahoma, I accidentally stumbled on a case of 12 packages.  I bought the case!

Sadly, September 4th, the last cookie has been consumed!

Yes, it was a sad day in the neighborhood.


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 09, 2020, 03:01:34 pm
Here is today’s math word problem:

If your space traveler cat catches the coronavirus and you divide it by the number of wild fires that were in the double hurricanes, how many murder hornets would have to die in police shootings for the asteroid to miss the earth this November?


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Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: KateR on September 09, 2020, 03:06:02 pm
Final thought for today;

I'm getting old(er) and I have just realized I still have so many unanswered questions!

I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...and do you really think I am this witty ?? ...



I actually stole this from a friend who stole it from a friend of her brother's girlfriend's Uncle's cousin's, baby mamma's Doctor...

Now it is your turn to steal it from me...

lol Enjoy the rest of your day! xx p.s. copy and paste. Hahahahahahahaha, needed a laugh today.


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