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Blogs => Member Blogs => Topic started by: Allie Jayne on June 21, 2019, 05:59:35 am

Title: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on June 21, 2019, 05:59:35 am
So, I've been watching posts on this Forum for a while and I noticed that there are lots of different journeys, but most have similar themes. Those late transitioners seem to have bottled up their Dysphoria until the pressure became too great and the cork was released. From there it is a rush to achieve desired gender and not waste any more time in the wrong body. Significant unhappiness becomes joy, even if not all the loved ones embrace the new person.

My journey as been a bit different. I have known since my earliest memory that I was in the wrong body. I had a tough upbringing in a dysfunctional family in the '50's and '60's. Dad was an angry alcoholic who made my childhood a misery, and Mum worked night shift, from 4 to midnight, so for the most part, I raised myself. My 3 brothers had no interest in housework, and Mum recognised I was the sensitive one, so I became her assistant. I learned to cook, sew and clean, but there were no other concessions to female life.

Mum also suffered with rheumatoid arthritis which had disfigured her hands and feet, with all her fingers and toes growing sideways, and over each other. She was a fastidious cleaner, and I was recruited to polish the copper pipes to the toilet. One of my favourite times with my Mum was Sunday nights when I would do all the ironing and we would compare our thoughts. She knew who I truly was, but feared I would be in danger if I revealed myself. I sobbed into her shoulder when I started the nightmare of puberty. I still do my ironing Sunday night and think of Mum.

I almost achieved my current height by age 15, and unusual physical strength. It was the end of being bullied by my brothers as they laid at my feet. I felt being female had become impossible for me now, so I threw myself into being male. Cars were the hot thing for teenagers in my area, so I helped my older brother prepare an old derelict car in our yard for speedway on the understanding I would get to drive it. He crashed it in his first race, so I fixed it and fronted up for my first race. I was only 15 and the minimum age was 17, so I lied. I was big enough to be believed. Problem was, that I had never driven a car before, so I learned among 20 other cars going as fast as they could. I got the car home with little damage, and I was convinced I could do this boy thing.

A neighbour girl thought I was pretty hot, good looking and a race car driver. She took my hand and tried to get intimate with me and I was overwhelmed with a feeling that this was wrong. We were both girls. This messed me up for a couple of years, but when I turned 18 I found that I liked the company of girls, but I didn't really want to do any more than hugging. I wondered if I was gay, but realised I had never been attracted to a boy, so I was really asexual. Dad died of alcoholism at the ripe old age of 49, when I was 19. At 20, Mum started setting me up with girls as it worried her I didn't seem interested. I went on a couple of uncomfortable dates before I was set up with a very unconfident girl, who I found myself enjoying trying to build up her self esteem. I helped her get her driving licence and she thought I was amazing, and even more so because I never tried to get her to bed.

At 25 I was so clucky to have a baby that I agreed to marry her, and we had probably the worst sex any two virgins had ever had, but somehow, she got pregnant. We built a new house and moved in 4 months before my daughter arrived. Loan Rates rose from 7% to 14% in the time it took to build the house, and I had to grab every bit of overtime I could to meet repayments and support a full time Mum. My wife struggled a bit with motherhood, so I also helped her as much as I could. This meant doing the night feeds as my wife couldn't wake up to breast feed. I was simply too tired to have Dysphoria.

Somehow, we had a little boy, and my wife couldn't bond with him. I did my best to support her, but before his third birthday, she left me with both children. I told her I was trans before we got married, and she let me have a small selection of female clothing provided neither she of my kids ever saw me in them. So I had a job and two children under 5, one in nappies. I did well in divorce court, negotiating a workable settlement, but my problem was that I had to care for my children, and make significant settlement payments. Mum had moved 1000 miles north for her arthritis. I had no other family to help me. I took a big risk and worked from home. I could look after my children through the day, do my running around while they were at school, then get them home, fed bathed and in bed by 8pm, and I would work until 1am. Get up at 6 am, make breakfast and lunches, dress kids, and drop them off. Do over.

I had Saturdays and every second weekend off child minding so I could also work weekends. My kids never went without anything, and I was able to pay off my ex and the bank in 5 years. I simply had no time for Dysphoria. I was able to cut back my workload and every month or so, have a day to myself. I loved scuba diving, so that was what I did on my free days. Through this I made a great friend, a woman who was 10 years younger than me. I provided her a shoulder to cry on through 3 boyfriend breakups, and she became a regular at my house at meal time. One night she said she wasn't going home. She was aghast at my lack of sexual experience, and taught me how to actually enjoy sex. I was steadily having more time to myself and my dysphoria returned. My friend told me she felt so comfortable with me she had stopped looking for anyone else.

We were really close friends, and began regularly staying at each others houses, as my kids were now in their late teens. My friend and soul mate had no interest in kids or housework, but she figured the kids would fly the coop soon and I would be the ideal partner. She wanted commitment. It was time to tell her I was trans, it floored her, and I didn't hear from her for over a week. She realised she had fallen in love with the female parts of me as well as the male parts, so decided to give it a go.

With my kids in their 20's, they jumped at the idea of me leaving them the family home and me moving in with my girlfriend. I dropped in 2 or 3 times a week to check up on them, but it seemed to be working. I was allowed to dress when my girlfriend was out of the house, but, after coming home unexpected and catching me quite a few times, she said it was ridiculous me trying to hide from her so we agreed on times when I could be myself when she was there.

My mother died a few days before Y2K, and I entered the new century devastated. I pulled myself together to get married to her on March 1st, my birthday, so I would never have an excuse to forget our anniversary! We got married to please her mother who didn't like us living together, and much to my disappointment, it was just my kids, a close friend, my new wife and me, at the registry office, on a midweek morning, and us in jeans and polo tops.

We both evolved over the next 18 years, to the point I was me all the time I was home, and as I only worked 3 days a week, that was most of the time. Our sex life waned and died completely after she thought penetrating me might make me more interested in her. I simply could never have sex with a woman again, but she was not too worried. My kids had moved on to their own lives, and I was proud they had turned out to be decent people. I have a dream job teaching kids about marine life and conservation, and I loved the ladies I worked with. I had lots of time to be myself, and grandchildren! I often pinched myself that my life was so good. I was happy to continue as I was forever.

2017 continued to be amazing, though, for one week a month I was a bit low. We were having great lives, overseas holidays, swimming with whales and sharks, realising all kinds of dreams. But the low days were getting worse. September 2018, just got back from Fiji, and I developed a cough. Went to the doc, got antibiotics, and the cough persisted. The low times had developed into depression, and I was really tired and having thoughts that I had no place on earth. I realised this was leading to suicide, I was still sick after 6 months, and my docs had run out of ideas. I needed help. I told my doc I was trans, and felt it was causing my illness and deepening depression, so she referred me to a gender specialist.

My specialist went through her spiel that it would take at least 3 sessions (@$200/session) to make a diagnosis, and got me to tell her my life story. She stopped me at 40 minutes and told me she was convinced I was a woman, and after a couple of control questions, wrote me a referral to see an Endocrinologist.  I was elated to finally be formally diagnosed, but worried at what might happen to my perfect life. 3 weeks later I was so sick I was off work. We were due to go on a diving holiday to the Phillipines in a month, and my wife was in tears as she held my long hair while I threw up in the toilet every couple of hours. The Endo said my T levels were already almost at female levels, so started me on Estrodot patches.

Two weeks later, after 8 months of coughing, I stopped. Another 2 weeks later, and against all expectations, I was playing with sharks 70 feet under the Sulu Sea. My medical review concluded my Dysphoria and depression were the cause of my illness, and HRT had cured me. But what of my perfect life? My wife, who admitted were are best friends and soulmates rather than a married couple, is terrified I will now come out as a non passing female. I have assured her I don't intend to come out if I will make people point at me and whisper. I didn't choose transition, I was happy with my life, my job with girls who embrace me, my grandkids who adore me as much as I do them, and my adventures fulfilling dreams. Why would I risk all that to try to achieve something which is unlikely at my age (65)?

Well, I have realised that my Dysphoria controls me, rather than my lifetime belief that I managed it. I am committed to HRT for the rest of my life, and my Endo is confident I will have pleasing outcomes. I still love my life as it is, but I know I must change, so, rather than rush to achieve the life denied me, I have decided to let the HRT do it's thing and give myself and my loved ones time to adjust before I consider risking it all to be myself. If the Dysphoria raises it's profile, I know how powerful it can be, so I will do what's necessary to survive, but, until then I can wait.

Thanks for reading.

Allie 
 

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Faith on June 21, 2019, 06:17:11 am
Thank you, Allie, for your post. While some of the content is saddening I enjoyed reading overall post, it made me feel good. I wish you well and enjoyment on the rest of your journey.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on June 21, 2019, 06:29:10 am
Allie!!!!!!

That was a great story! It touched all my emotions! You are such an amazing woman and I'm so glad that I can call you my friend!

I may be biased but I have to say that's the best life story I've ever read on here. You're one of the good ones for sure!

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on June 21, 2019, 06:30:41 am
Faith, thank you for reading and your encouragement. For all the low points, I feel I've had a full and rich life, and I am in an amazing position currently. It might go bad, but I'm more than hopeful it will continue to be a dream life!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on June 21, 2019, 06:37:23 am
Thank you Lexxi! I left out lots of details which would curl your eyelashes, but suffice to say my journey has been lifelong, and full of ups and downs. My point is that we all have different journey stories!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on June 21, 2019, 06:42:20 am
Hi Allie,

I've probably never told you this before, but I really like to have my eyelashes curled. So you can go ahead and write the rest of the eyelash curling story. I'd love to read it!

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on June 23, 2019, 10:24:17 am
Allie, thank you for sharing your story, it made me emotional too! There are quite a lot of similarities with my life, I can understand your decisions completely, I made similar life choices but depression came earlier.

I knew from a very young age too but I did not believe that it would be possible for me to transition at that age. When puberty came I was kind of happy because I thought it would make me a real man. I tried to bury my real feelings and I started some extreme sports, got into cars, grown some muscles and somehow I became sort of cool which was new for me. Before that I was bullied a lot so I thought I was on the right path, I'm more manly and cool, the bullying stopped so that must be right way to go... and how wrong I was...
I'm still taking my time with transitioning, did not jump into it like many girls who started around the same time.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on June 23, 2019, 03:34:27 pm
Lynne, I got emotional writing the story, as my memories came flooding back! We all have different journeys, yet many are variations on the same theme. Our unique personalities and situations in life case us to react to <transgender> differently, but I wonder if the root cause is always the same? I can understand the emotions behind rushing through transition, but I see the benefits of taking time to allow everone to adjust.

It’s 6 am in Australia, an I am on the forum because it’s foggy! I live half a mile from a shipping channel, and there are ship fog horns sounding ever 30 seconds, impossible to sleep thergh!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on June 23, 2019, 03:59:29 pm
I believe that gender is a very complex construct and while there can be a lot of common points, everybody has their own unique story and motivations to transition.
I can also relate to the emotions behind rushing through transition, I'm not devoid of them either, I just feel that there are things that shouldn't be rushed because the consequences of certain actions cannot be undone.

Uhh, 6 AM, that's early, usually I'm very grumpy if I have to get up before 9 AM. But nowadays the nearby construction starts at 7 AM six days of the week so I usually get up way before my morning alarm. I feel your pain! I hope the fog lifts soon and you can get some sleep!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on July 31, 2019, 10:06:14 pm
Well, It's been a while and a few things have happened. I'm having slow progress with my HRT, my T is almost zero, but my E is still low, so I am now on maximum doses. Early on in my transition I came out to my boss as I felt I would go through changes which might affect my job later in the year, and I wanted to give her the opportunity to fill any gaps. She was more than supportive, excited actually, but I had to keep a lid on it as my wife was still very nervous about my transition, and didn't want anyone to know about it.

I have lost around 45 pounds since starting HRT and have another 25 pounds to go, and my shape is changing daily. I have a waist that I've not had in memory! My breasts are developing, but my fat loss means they are actually decreasing in size. I started with nearly B cups, and now not quite A's. It's all in the plan though, lose weight and all my male fat, then put some back on to increase my female fat. Another year to go!

The big change has been with my wife. Recently she said she didn't like my avatar photo on this site (I often show her posts) and wanted to take a better picture of me. It was amazing as just a couple of months ago she was not happy about me posting pictures of myself on the internet. Yesterday she amazed me again by telling me I should come out to everyone this year so they had time to get used to the idea before I go full time. She had never wanted to even talk about me going full time, and a couple of months ago told me if I came out she would leave me!

So this is a major development, and I plan to start telling people after my next Endo review in September. This will be life changing as I won't have those awkward moments where people have been asking me why I have this year changed my life so much and lost so much weight. I also won't have the threat of my wife leaving hanging over me should anyone find out about me.

I am having some setbacks with my E levels, but once I sort that out, the doors are open for my way forward, and it feels amazing!!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 01, 2019, 02:40:57 am
Yesterday she amazed me again by telling me I should come out to everyone this year so they had time to get used to the idea before I go full time. She had never wanted to even talk about me going full time, and a couple of months ago told me if I came out she would leave me!

So this is a major development, and I plan to start telling people after my next Endo review in September. This will be life changing as I won't have those awkward moments where people have been asking me why I have this year changed my life so much and lost so much weight. I also won't have the threat of my wife leaving hanging over me should anyone find out about me.
Allie

Hi Allie,

I'm so thrilled to hear this it almost gave me the drizzles!!! I had a feeling that she was going to come around one of these days. You must be over the moon happy. If you feel comfortable doing this, please tell your wife I said she's da bomb!! (That's a very good thing. The kids used to say it a few years ago...as you can see I still do, lol)

I can't wait to hear about all of your successful coming out interactions in a few months. Now that you have the go ahead from your wife, please be extra careful diving around all those Australian great white and tiger sharks. You don't want one of them to ruin your coming out party.  ;)

I'm just so thrilled for you girl--it's your dream come true,

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 01, 2019, 03:13:30 am
Thanks Lexxi, and I always tell my wife she is Da Bomb! It is really a dream come true, and I have planned the order and some dates starting with my son, daughter and brothers and I will sit down with my work colleagues in the second week of October. I'm waiting til after my next endo update in September because the last one caused a GD attack. My wife has managed to lessen the dysphoria with this suggestion, so I should be ok at work tomorrow.

For her to go along with coming out, she has also accepted there will be a full time at some stage, which is another hurdle cleared. I am not silly enough to believe it is all green lights from here, and I will continue to support her so this goes smoothly. Christmas will be interesting this year.....

Hugs, Allie

What sharks?

(https://live.staticflickr.com/2261/1753078192_bfc1de39d2.jpg)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: KathyLauren on August 01, 2019, 06:18:49 am
I started with nearly B cups, and now not quite A's.
...
Yesterday she amazed me again by telling me I should come out to everyone this year so they had time to get used to the idea before I go full time.

Having not-quite-A's is disappointing, but survivable.  (Ask me how I know! ::) )  Having the support of your wife is priceless.  I am very happy for you that she has come around and supports your going full-time.  There may still be bumps on the road, but you are on the road!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 01, 2019, 06:56:29 am
Thank you Kathy! Breasts aren't my focus, I'm more trying to get my body in shape, and I knew losing so much weight would cost me breast size, but it's an investment in the future! My wife's change of heart has been the highlight of my transition so far, as it opens so many doors!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on August 01, 2019, 07:34:57 am
Wonderful news Allie! I'm so glad to read all these good news. I hope you will receive a lot of support from your family and colleagues after coming out to them!
Your coming out timeline is similar to mine, I have a few medical exams to take care of and then we'll have to come up with a coming out plan for work with my boss. I plan to attend our next winter party at work as my true self.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 01, 2019, 07:45:22 am
Thank you Lynne, I am excited to come out, it has been weighing on me for a lifetime, and I know I had to stay in the closet for various reasons, but I have felt a bit like I've been deceiving everyone. I have left quite a few hints though, my long hair, domestic duties, obvious maternal instincts, sensitivity, and crying lots. I cry at happy and sad situations and my boss says I'm the most sensitive of all the women at work. So, I doubt I am fooling too many people.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on August 01, 2019, 08:06:09 am
I can relate to the feeling of deceiving everyone as I was hiding my true feelings even more. No one who I was not out to ever saw me crying in the last 20 years and I've been crying a lot, just not in front of others.
I have a feeling that everything will fall into place once you come out :)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on August 01, 2019, 08:19:08 am
Congratulation Allie!  Some wonderful things are happening in your life, and you deserve them.  You've given tons of yourself for a long time.  It's time for some of that to come back to you.  Enjoy every bit of it.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Kirsteneklund7 on August 01, 2019, 08:25:15 am
Allie,
         Just want to send best wishes. Your posts and trans life strike  chord with me. I love hearing about your experience/opinions.

 Kind regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 01, 2019, 12:35:47 pm
Thank you Randim and Kirsten! I have had a rich and diverse life, currently made richer by the wonderful people on this forum. The amount of experience here is amazing, and I just hope I can add something to this pool of knowledge to try to make up for the amount I am taking away. I don’t know any trans people in my region, so this forum is my only outlet, and it is keeping me sane!

Allie 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 02, 2019, 08:32:03 am
I came out to another female work colleague today. Last Wednesday I had a severe attack of dysphoria at work, caused by my low E result, and I burst into tears and ran away from her to be on my own. She spoke to my boss that she was worried about me, so I thought she deserved an apology and explanation for the way I behaved.

24 hours on my new dose of E patches and my nipples have been so sore the whole time. I guess that means more E is getting into my system, so my next blood test should be better. Why do nipples hurt so much when they aren’t growing?

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: mm on August 02, 2019, 09:07:44 am
Glad things are going well with your wife, sure help when your partner in abroad.  Be glad as you lose weight you are getting a female shape, your boobs will develop as you are on E longer just takes time.  It tale a cis girl 4-6 yrs to fully develop.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 02, 2019, 01:04:49 pm
Thanks, mm! I’m in no rush as I want time for my loved ones to get used to the new me, but my dysphoria won’t tolerate any setback! I am in awe at how accepting my wife has become recently. Last night we talked about the details of my GCS, and how the doctor has such a long waiting list. It seems she has realised this is all happening, and she can be on board or on her own, and she has chosen to stay!

I am worried about beach activities while I am in that in between phase next year, and my wife wants to go shark diving in South Africa, so to be supportive, I agreed to brave it out and go with her! Support is a two way street.

Much happier today!

Allie

(https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/48443141711_9a57f78255.jpg)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 07, 2019, 10:30:07 pm
This is such a ride! Last couple of weeks my wife showed more interest, wanting to take a better image of me for my avatar, and agreeing to me coming out. I was buoyed, thinking the she was starting to get with the program. This week she started questioning everything I had told her about my transition, just to clarify things. I thought, that's good, previously she wasn't keen to talk about it. Then she tells me she is embarrassed by me being trans, and that she will leave me as soon as I go out in public.

Two days of negotiations where we spoke about how I can't stop transition, so male fail is inevitable at some stage, but she is steadfast that she doesn't want to be associated with me when I present as a woman. We discussed divorce and the division of our assets and how much each of us will be poorer. She admitted she still loved me, but her embarrassment was stronger (it really hurts when the love of your life says they are embarrassed by you). I asked her if she would stay with me if I was badly disfigured by fire, or developed an uncontrollable mental disorder, and she said she would, but she just can't handle me being trans. So to her, being trans is worse than just about anything else.

We both love the house we now live in, and agreed we would likely never find anyone else who would be as good to live with as we have been. We sleep in seperate bedrooms now, so our relationship is more soul mates than marriage. Once before I suggested she publicly divorce me, and tell everybody she doesn't want to lose her house so she will continue to live with me. She warmed to this idea again. It meant virtually no change to her living standards, but gave her a way to disassociate herself from me publicly. To me, it opens a window of time for her to grow with me and hopefully soften her shame as she sees me in a more acceptable light.

So that's where we are at, not pursuing divorce straight away, but leaving it as a plan so we can move on, and at least stay together. A positive is that all restrictions are off, I was holding off on electrolysis as a sign that I wasn't going full time, and I can come out to everyone. I know there is no certainty in our relationship, and at any time she might just leave, but at least I won't be alone immediately. All this is so draining, and I am so grateful that my work friends are helping me through it.

I'm trying to start my family coming out with my son first, but, after I asked him to find some time so we can get together to discuss life changes I am going through, he said o.k. and in over a week, I haven't heard from him. he can't be so busy he can't fit me in for an hour sometime this month. I am starting to think he knows what I want to discuss, and is avoiding me. Next week I will bring it to a head, and if he is still avoiding me I will move onto his sister and the rest of my family.

I am so nervous about coming out, I just hope everything is better after it's all done, but I have a fear it's not going to go smoothly. But my journey must continue, so I have to grit my teeth and pray for better times. Thank you for sharing my twists and turns.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Jessica on August 07, 2019, 11:38:11 pm
Allie, I am sorry that your wife has expressed embarrassment of you presenting as a woman.  This is the same issue my wife has and I hope, like you, that she warms up to it. 
We both have compromised enough with each other that I will be who she needs me to be and Jessica I’ll have her time otherwise.  I don’t know what the final outcome will be, but at this time all is fine and loving.  After 2+ years on hrt there has definitely been physical changes and even though I’ve got boobs, I’m able to wear a loose shirt and no ones the wiser.


Good luck hon, Jess
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 08, 2019, 12:09:51 am
Allie, I am sorry that your wife has expressed embarrassment of you presenting as a woman.  This is the same issue my wife has and I hope, like you, that she warms up to it. 
We both have compromised enough with each other that I will be who she needs me to be and Jessica I’ll have her time otherwise.  I don’t know what the final outcome will be, but at this time all is fine and loving.  After 2+ years on hrt there has definitely been physical changes and even though I’ve got boobs, I’m able to wear a loose shirt and no ones the wiser.


Good luck hon, Jess

Thanks Jess,
                    I never imagined I was the only one in this situation, but I have lost confidence in guessing when things are going well or are about to blow up in my face. I know she is going through an awful lot, and probably more than I can ask of her. She reiterated to me that she is proud of everything I do in our lives, especially the way I raised two children from a previous marriage on my own, but she just can't get over this. She is ashamed of her position, and believes that almost everyone will see her as the bad person if she leaves, but it is a fundamental hurdle she can't clear.

I have been me inside our house for 20 years, and I doubt if I would be confident enough to go public for a couple of years, if ever, so I guess things will go on as they are. My Endo advised me to make sure my wife knew I would look significantly more feminine in the next year. I am coming out to everybody over the next few weeks, and that may help her or drive her over the top. I just don't know anymore...

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 08, 2019, 12:20:56 am
What sharks?

(https://live.staticflickr.com/2261/1753078192_bfc1de39d2.jpg)

"You're gonna need a bigger boat" Chief Brody

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2I91DJZKRxs
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 08, 2019, 12:57:21 am
I am coming out to everybody over the next few weeks, and that may help her or drive her over the top. I just don't know anymore...
Allie

Hi Allie,

I know as a grown woman you don't need anyone's permission to do what you want to do. But just in case no one has ever told you this...I, (and probably a hundred other Susan's people) give you permission to do what you want to do for once in your life. You've spent your entire life living for other people, and kept the real you hidden from everyone. First you lived for and provided for your first wife, then you put everything on hold to raise your kids alone, then for the last 20 years or so you've kept your true self hidden to appease your second wife who knew you were trans when you first met. You've always put others first and now it's time for you to put you first.

You've known that you were born a female and kept it hidden for other people. You don't have to do that any more! You should feel free to spend the rest of your life as your true self, and if somebody doesn't like it, well they can just go get bent. They'll either get over it, get used to it, or feel free to take a walk. For the record I don't think your wife is going to go anywhere. I think she likes the life you all have built together and the things you have and doesn't want to risk losing it. I also don't think it was fair of her to get your hopes up two weeks ago by telling you it was okay to be your true self, then pull the rug out from under you this week and threaten to leave if you do. That's not right!! In my opinion that's mental abuse and you shouldn't have to stand for that.

As for your son I think you should jerk a knot in his tail. Maybe call him up and tell him you're stopping by and he better be there. I'm VERY guilty of dodging my parents most of the time, and that's probably what he's doing too. I don't think he's consciously trying to hurt you. I think he's just being a son, and doing what son's are famous for doing...and that's ghosting people. If he knows you need to have a serious talk with him asap I'm sure he'll make himself available.

Sorry if I was blunt in a place or two in this post. I just don't like to see you getting hurt and it makes me mad when that happens. No one should treat you poorly. You're an amazing person, and one helluva special woman and everyone should treat you as such!

Lots of (((((((hugs)))))) and kisses,

Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 08, 2019, 01:22:01 am
Curse you Lexxi, I had made my mind up I wasn't going to cry today. I hear what you are saying and I thank you for being a true friend and telling me the way it is. I feel the wheels are rolling now and there is not much I can do about stopping it. We have scheduled a staff meeting for the 16th of October, especially for me to come out to everybody at work, and I need to make sure I have told all my family before then. 2 months seems like a long time, but my family are scattered all over the country, and I want to tell my kids in person.

I'm getting great support from the two women I've come out to at work, and you really inspired me to push this forward. I just wish it was all over and the butterflies were gone, though it has been good for my weight loss. I lost 2 1/2 pounds on the day my wife decided to tell me how she felt. I can't help worrying about my wife and family, that's who I am, but it is happening and I will deal with whatever happens.

Love, Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 08, 2019, 01:37:56 am
I'm so glad you have those work friends to be there for you. I know it's easier when you have someone there in person to help. Just know that you also have all of us here out in the wilds of the internet too.

You said that your family is spread out all over the country. Does that mean you're getting ready to make a long road trip to visit them? That sounds like fun to me...just don't run into any kangaroos with your car. hahaha...

I wish I had the means to explore your country. I love seeing new places and all the wonders they hold. I'm one of those people who likes to take a lot of pictures, and with the invention of digital cameras I don't have to worry about going broke getting film developed anymore. The last big trip I took I went out to Yellowstone and Glacier National Park. In 8 days I shot through 17 rolls of film. I can't even fathom how many pictures I'd take in Australia.

Sorry I made you break your vow not to cry today.  ;D

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 08, 2019, 01:57:29 am
No time for road trips Lexxi. One brother is 1 hour 40 minutes away, another 4 hours and the other 2000 miles west of me, plus a half brother 1200 miles north. And a couple of them are travelling the country in caravans, so catching them with good cell reception might take a couple of tries. My wife knows how to go through images, having taken well over 100000 images.I haven't travelled the inland part of my country yet as we always stay on the coast.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 08, 2019, 02:02:48 am
I was watching National Geographic a couple of weeks ago and they had a bunch of shark episodes on. Some of them were in Australia. Did you work on any of the TV shows, or was your work only in the magazines? If you worked on the TV shows, do you happen to know the name of the episodes?
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 08, 2019, 08:49:29 am
Lexxi, I haven’t  been selling any shark footage, my camera is a bit old for documentary footage now, so we just shoot for club presentations and online. It’s hard to make money from it now as everybody has a camera and is willing to give their images away for fame. I’m getting too old to invest in a broadcast camera, as I’d never get the money back.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 13, 2019, 04:43:12 pm
So onto the next phase in my transition.  I had my first hair removal consultation. I learned so much, and I had so many misconceptions, a lot from this forum. I thought I eeded dark hair for laser to work, so I had resigned myself to electrolysis for my whole face. Not true, if the laser can see the follicle under the skin, it can zap it. She tried a section of my cheek and I was surprised by how much it hurt, and the smell of burning hair. The pain was tolerable, but more than I had anticipated. She wiped the burnt remains from my skin and showed me how many hairs were destroyed in a couple of minutes.

Then she did a section of my chin with electrolysis, and I raced for the pain only to find this to be more comfortable than the laser. It is so much slower though. She recommended I have 2 or 3 sessions with laser a month apart, and then electrolysis every 6 weeks, and she estimated my face would be hair free in 2 years! This is quicker than I thought, and with a far fewer visits and $$$’s, and the best part is I can shave before laser visits, and only have to leave my facial hair grow for a couple of days before electrolysis. I had envisaged rare times when I could keep my face smooth between frequent visits, and I was worried about dysphoria kicking in, but this plan sound like a winner!

I have another hair removal salon to try next week, just to see what they recommend and also the see which of them are most comfortable for me, but I am happy with the salon I just trialled. So another consult next week and then I will jump into the program  with some idea when my facial hair will be gone!

My situation with my wife has not changed, though she has been hugging me more lately and after a big hug a couple of days ago she told me a couple of her colleagues attended a presentation on marine life I gave to a public audience. Her colleagues told my wife I mentioned her a number of times and it was obvious I loved her very much and they were jealous of our relationship. I had no idea who was in the audience, and my wife was really happy about the comments. Who know what it might mean!

Thanks for reading,

Allie   
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 13, 2019, 05:20:26 pm
Hi Allie,

I'm so happy that your hair zapping sessions went so well. I know almost nothing about stuff like that...but I'll soon have to start the process too, so I need to learn all I can before I start. Luckily I'm not super hairy. I can go about 5 or 6 days between shavings. Most of my hairs are dark, but they're not real thick. I have some white ones on my chin though.

It sounds like you'll be able to handle the pain okay. Did your worker offer any kind of numbing solution? Hopefully you'll fly through this process in record time. I don't know if 2 years is record time though, but you know what I mean. Does the laser get rid of the hair forever, or does it just make it grow really slow and light?

Even though I know it's going to hurt, I'm kinda excited to get this process started myself. I hope your next appointment with the different tech goes as well as today's did.

I'm super happy that you got those good hugs!! We all know you're a great person and I bet she does too. I think it's cool that some of her coworkers heard all the good things you say about her. I love that you made them jealous! That must make your wife feel very special. Hopefully that leads to good things.  ;)

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 13, 2019, 10:10:45 pm
Lexxi! great to have you back, my world is back in balance! Pain isn’t a strong issue for me as I don’t get anaesthetic at the dentist for fillings and such, I can disconnect from pain. 2 years to be completely hair free is great, I have read many reports of 3 years and more, so I’m happy, though it may e sales talk, and it will actually be longer. I have another consultation with a differnt salon in the next week and I will decide which one to sign up with. They all supply numbing cream for upper lip, and offer a local dentist to administer novocaine first.

Yes, I am popular with my wife this week, ut I’m not silly enough to read anything into it, She still has a fundamental problem with being ashamed of me, and so far, no answers to that. I believe I will need to come out in public and be generally accepted before she might come around, but she promised to leave me when I go public, so I’m not sure how that will develop.

Hope everything is going well for you and I’ll e looking forward to your reports on hair removal!!

Hugs, Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 13, 2019, 10:38:19 pm
Hi Allie,

Thank you very much. I couldn't stay away too long because you know how I like it here.
As if I didn't already think you are SuperWoman, now I find out that pain doesn't affect you either...WOW that's amazing. There's no way I'd let my dentist work on me without the numbing juice. In fact my mouth is so sensitive they have to use the really powerful stuff instead of the regular Lidocaine they use for everyone else. I think it's called Septocaine. I hate it though because it usually numbs the rest of my face for hours on end. If the electrolysis hurts too much maybe I'll just wait to do it after a dental appointment, LOL.

It's going to be quite a while before I'll be having any hair removal done. But I'll definitely be on the look out for your posts. Has your face been red where they worked on you today? Does it feel kind of like a sunburn, or does it even hurt at all?

I'm really glad that you're popular with her this week. That makes me smile, and I'm sure it does you too. I'm still holding out hope that she's going to come back around and be there for you.  ;)

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 15, 2019, 07:57:57 am
This is a copy from another thread, as I just had to post it here as well!

OK, well, the past 24 hours have possibly been the most significant in my life. I knew my daughter would accept me but was worried about my son in law, and my son and I have had a off hand relationship for most of his life, mostly because we have little in common. My son is the youngest of my two, and has always felt his sister was my favourite, so I thought this might be an opportunity to make him feel first for once, and on an extremely important issue.

It is a 2 hour drive to my son's place, so we opted to do a FaceTime meeting. I was very nervous and had my speech laid out in front of me when he rang, and I started out with "the reason for this call is to tell you I am Transgender and transitioning". I had a couple of paragraphs of science notes next, but my son stopped me and said he would accept me and give me any amount of support I needed. I broke down as he went on to tell me it was the least he could do after I raised him as a single parent. I recovered to muddle through the rest of my speech, and he appreciated the technical information then asked a bunch of questions. He told me he had no idea I was trans. My wife (not the mother of my children) sat in on the call, explaining how she is having problems with my transition, and my son and her agreed to talk privately to help each other through this. The acceptance and support I got blew me away, and the connection between my wife and my son took it to another dimension.

I was babysitting my daughters children the next day, so took the opportunity to talk to her and her husband. My son in law simply said "you are who you are, and you will be who you will be, but you will always be a part of this family" My daughter struggled to understand everything, but she said her love for me was truly unconditional, and they would both accept and support me in any way. I was worried about the affect I might be perceived to have on my grandchildren, but they said the kids would adapt to the new me and love me as they do now.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, my son and his partner arrived as they wanted to hug me in person, and ask me a bunch more questions. It was so wonderful and I was in a sea of love and support when I saw my wifes car pulling up out front. I broke down badly.

We live an hour and forty minutes drive from my daughter, and when I texted my wife that my son was coming to give me a hug, she left work and drove to my daughters to again show her support. This becomes even more important as my grand kids are sick with colds and conjunctivitis, and my wife has an operation scheduled soon, and she asked me to keep my contact wth my grand kids to a minimum so I didn't bring an infection home. So, knowing all this, when I saw my wife arrive, I was simply overwhelmed with the love and support.

The outcome was so far above anything I could have imagined. My kids formed a team to support each other and my wife and I, and all agreed this bought our family much closer together and with a raised regard for each other. I am not sure if the relief from finally telling them was the highlight or the pride in the fine adults I had raised, or the unimaginable support from my wife, but all three combined to make the past 24 hours the most significant in my life.

I know there will be more questions and possibly different sentiments in coming weeks, but I also know they have made a solid support network so I'm confident we will all get through this. I am still overwhelmed by what happened.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on August 15, 2019, 08:34:27 am
Allie,

I am so happy for you!  I am not out to my children but I fantasize about such acceptance.  That must be beyond affirming.  And it is well deserved.  It sounds like you prioritized your children's welfare when they were growing up, and now that love has made its way back to you.  There might be some bumps in the road after they've had time to absorb it, but they are solidly in your corner.  Big hug and congrats to you.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: KathyLauren on August 15, 2019, 10:47:52 am
Allie, huge congratulations on coming out to your kids!  You obviously raised them right, because they are now repaying you with their support.

I am crying from reading your post.  Ya done good, girl!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 15, 2019, 03:09:18 pm
Thank you Randim and Kathy, my family is my life and I am so proud of them I have been bursting out in tears since I got home. I am crying writing this. To spend 20 years of my life raising my 2 children, and then get this kind of response when I needed it the most has been the reward for my efforts I could never dare to dream would happen.         

I have fears over the eventual outcome of my transition as my wife and soulmate has indicated she doesn’t think she will cope, but I no longer fear I will be alone as I have my family with me. And transitioning now is not all about the end, but also about these life affirming moments along the way. I am still humbled by the events just passed, and in awe of my family, and my path forward is now filled with light rather than the shadows from before. My transition was dominating my life and now it has been replaced by my loving family and things are as they should be.

I am surrounded by wonderful people in my family, at work and on this forum, so I am going forward with a new confidence that things will work out and my world will be a happy place.

Allie   
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 15, 2019, 11:38:53 pm
Hi Allie,

I just read your longer post from this morning. Sorry it's taken me so long to write this. I've been pretty busy since about 3 this afternoon, and I'm just now finding this post.

But I am absolutely thrilled for you. I know you must feel like the most special woman on earth right now. I guess you could say that you're a very magnetic person too, considering you were able to pull in people from so far away. Your star is really shining girl, and your life just got better.

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 16, 2019, 01:59:39 am
Lexxi, I know you are pretty quick to get onto things, but nobody expects you to be the first to post every time! We all have lives to live and yours just got busier as official greeter! Thank you so much for your good thoughts and comments. I am thrilled, last night both my children called me Mum. This is what I have always dreamed of hearing, and it shook me to my core. Yes, I feel like the most special woman on earth at the moment, and almost a day later, my feet still haven't touched the ground!

I return to my daughter's place on Sunday for my grandson's third birthday, though her in laws will be there so I have asked them to keep my news to themselves until after I have spoken to my brothers next week. I am sure I will still feel the love, and this time when I am ironing kids clothes, changing nappies, feeding babies, and bathing kids they will recognise me as a mother rather than a very maternal father.

I just hope you can have some similar experiences with your daughter, I can't tell you how affirming it is.

XOXOXO

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 16, 2019, 02:13:19 am
Hi Allie,

Oh that's great news about them calling you mum. I bet you had to use a lot of tissues last night. Hope you didn't get too dehydrated. But I'm sure you felt so good that you wouldn't have even noticed anyway. Now that you've told your most important people, do you think you'll be able to tell your brothers without breaking down too much? After I told my first two people, I was able to tell the rest without crying. My voice was shaky but I wasn't crying.

As for my greeter position I still haven't found my first customer yet. To be fair I was working on my message, and the links I had to include in it, for quite a while. But I think I'm ready now. Sadly I'm kinda tired right now and thinking about going to bed, so I might have to greet my first person sometime tomorrow. But it's all good no matter what.

xoxo
Lexxi

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 16, 2019, 04:25:01 am
Lexxi, between Wednesday night, and Thursday, I estimate I lost 2 1/2 pounds through crying, and Kleenex sales soared! My children are so important to me my whole being was on the line so emotions were peaked. I won't have nearly the same issue with my brothers. I expect they will accept me but if they don't it, would upset me, but not crush me. I do need a few days to recover from the last couple of days, so I will get to my brothers sometime next week.

On my way home from my daughters, with my wife and I in seperate cars, I stopped and bought her a big bouquet of flowers, as words were never going to be adequate for the way I felt about her. As usual, when I buy her flowers, she got me to put them in a vase and arrange them as she says I can make the arrangement look much nicer than she can.

I know you will lift greeting to a new high and your first customer will be so lucky to be greeted by you. Really, who could not love you!

hugs, Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Faith on August 16, 2019, 06:05:56 am
Oh geez, really, you had to start my day like this. Do yo know how hard it is not to ruin my face with tears while @ work reading this stuff. Could you be a bit more considerate and post this on the weekend?

HAH

seriously, yes I am all choked up - at least the rain didn't start. Congratulations on a wonderful outcome. And being called Mum. Not a word used for me, my children have a Mom. I did however almost, not quite - almost, fall apart the first time I was called Aunt Faith :)

keep smiling

Faith
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 16, 2019, 06:53:10 am
Thank you Faith. My ex walked out on us as my youngest turned three years old. I raised them on my own into the fine adults who rewarded 20 years of struggle in 24 hours. I am so proud, and they told me I was their mother. This was the highlight of my coming out. I admit that it has always hurt me to hear my ex called Mum, when it was me who fed, bathed, dressed, sang to, read stories to, braided hair, sewed clothes, kissed them better, gave them birthday parties, helped them through puberty, gave them morals, honesty, taught them respect for others, and worried myself sick how they would turn out. All that was repaid in 24 hours. I could not be happier.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Faith on August 16, 2019, 07:25:00 am
It's absolutely great, enjoy every minute.

I'm still Dad and I'm ok with it because I could have been shut out. I mentioned to my wife that I feel bad sometimes about them 'losing' their Dad. She looked at me and said, they still see Dad even with the changes. They say things like, "My Dad, she ..." and it is not a bad thing.  They don't see Dad, he; they see Dad, she; and I am more than OK with that.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 16, 2019, 07:39:30 am
Faith, I hope I really didn't mess up your makeup on a work day! My son actually asked me what he should call me from now on, and I told him it would be awkward while I am still presenting as male for him to call me anything but Dad. I know he will be happy to revisit this if I ever get the chance to present as a female. My son does have a chip on his shoulder about his birth mother leaving, and then embarrassing him later in life as she is often drunk. I don't really care what they call me so long as they accept me into their lives. But Father's Day is next month and I wonder if I will get the usual men's handkerchiefs?

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Faith on August 16, 2019, 07:57:04 am
Faith, I hope I really didn't mess up your makeup on a work day! My son actually asked me what he should call me from now on, and I told him it would be awkward while I am still presenting as male for him to call me anything but Dad. I know he will be happy to revisit this if I ever get the chance to present as a female. My son does have a chip on his shoulder about his birth mother leaving, and then embarrassing him later in life as she is often drunk. I don't really care what they call me so long as they accept me into their lives. But Father's Day is next month and I wonder if I will get the usual men's handkerchiefs?

Allie
Nah. I'm good ... smudge free :)

Our Father's Day is in June. Nothing wrong with having a clean handkerchief to clean up all those happy tears :)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 16, 2019, 10:58:35 pm
I don't really care what they call me so long as they accept me into their lives. But Father's Day is next month and I wonder if I will get the usual men's handkerchiefs?
Allie

Hi Allie,

Something tells me you're not going to get handkerchiefs this year. I don't know your kids or anything...but I just have a feeling you're going to be quite surprised this year. I sure hope I'm right.

When I came out to my daughter the very first thing she said was "what do I call you?" I told her she can call me anything she wants. It won't bother me no matter what it is.

I got my mom some flowers for her birthday this year and she had me do the arrangement too. I used to work for a wholesale florist way back when, and I learned a thing or two about making flower arrangements look pretty. She absolutely loved those flowers. They were orange roses, and orange is her very favorite color.

By the way how did those flowers work on your wife? Is she still being supportive?

I was able to greet two new people today and I'm pretty sure I changed their lives. Thank you for the very kind words by the way.  ;)

Hope you're having the best weekend of your life.  :)

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 16, 2019, 11:38:25 pm
Lexxi, my wife really loved the flowers, and she was so surprised as it was 9p.m. and she thought I was driving right behind her all the way home, so her reaction was 'Wha...How??" She has been so lovely to me, coming into my bed for cuddles (we don't sleep together) and lots of random hugs, but we both know she still has a problem with me appearing in public as a woman. She has shown true love for me, but it may not be enough in the long run. We'll just have to wait and see. My daughter confronted her with "how could you leave Allie?" but after a long discussion between all of us she could see my wife's point of view. We've all got time to grow with this, but I do have a warm feeling.

Hugs, Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 17, 2019, 12:01:05 am
Hi Allie,

Knowing that your daughter said that made my heart tingle a little bit. She's undoubtedly going to be in your corner no matter what. I'm so glad that your wife is giving you special attention. You really must mean the world to her.

When your wife asked about how you got those flowers, you should have said you were right behind her the whole way. You got them from some guy on the highway who drove right up next to you on a motorcycle and he was selling them. So you bought em' and didn't even have to stop the car.  ;D ;D

I bet that would have kinda flipped her out a bit. lol

xoxo
Lexxi

 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: AllieSF on August 17, 2019, 06:21:52 pm
Well Allie, I just found this thread after reading and responding in the other ones.  I have a much better understanding where you are and where you think that you are going.  I actually think that you have control over that which you can control, and are managing as best could be wished for that which needs managing.  You are doing "you" and living your life under all those variables and potential obstacles very, very well.  I know I will also share your troubles as a supporter, celebrate your successes (like your recent family coming out) here with you And wish you the best in the future.

I wish that I had read this thread first!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 21, 2019, 10:09:02 pm
Well, I've come out to all my brothers and their wives. As I expected, their support and acceptance has been amazing! What wasn't expected were those who I thought knew (my sister in law who told me I had a woman's brain, and started calling me Allie) actually hadn't joined the dots and were a bit surprised, and another brother I've had less to do with as he lives on the other side of my continent, said he was only surprised it took this long for me to come out!

Another unexpected outcome was how upsetting they have found it. Partly because they know I am going through a tough time, but also partly because I hid my true self all my life and they didn't support me. They feel bad that I have had a lifetime of anguish with nobody to support me. That made me feel loved and upset at the same time. The main reason I put off transition for so long was to protect my family from being upset, but it looks like it is happening anyway.

My son has been magnificent, calling all my brothers and offering support to them, supporting his sister, and even delivering the news to my ex. It seems very important to him, after all it has changed the way he views his dad after 35 years and explains a lot of unanswered questions. The other great thing is this has bought my whole family together. In the past 3 days they have all spoken to each other more times than the last 6 months. And it is all in support of each other, and me, which fills me with pride in my family, and has been the silver lining to all this.

I still haven't had the lifting of weight I expected, and I know that is because of the uncertainty with my wife and my self acceptance are what is weighing on me. For some reason, everything I do in life has to be that much harder.

Out to my work colleagues is next!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 21, 2019, 11:26:32 pm
Well, I've come out to all my brothers and their wives. As I expected, their support and acceptance has been amazing! What wasn't expected were those who I thought knew (my sister in law who told me I had a woman's brain, and started calling me Allie) actually hadn't joined the dots and were a bit surprised, and another brother I've had less to do with as he lives on the other side of my continent, said he was only surprised it took this long for me to come out!

Hi Allie,

Just a few comments on things that grabbed my attention. First off...I feel special because I'm best friends with the person who owns the continent of Australia. I don't know how you pulled that off because well---heck--Donald Trump just failed trying to buy a country. 
Okay that was just some silly humor before I got into the really important stuff. ;D

I totally understand why you latched onto those comments people said about your femininity. I think we all probably do that too. It's like we hear something that is so very important to us...it makes our hearts swell with pride. It's what we want to hear sooooo badly that it hurts us. Then when we talk to them about it we learn that the other person was just saying it as an offhand comment they didn't really mean and don't even remember saying. I've discovered a lot of that too during my transition. I still think they knew subconsciously though...that's why they said something, or in your case gave you a female name, in the first place.

I think it's amazing that your brother asked why it took you so long. That is such a great reaction!! I'm just thrilled for you!!!

Another unexpected outcome was how upsetting they have found it. Partly because they know I am going through a tough time, but also partly because I hid my true self all my life and they didn't support me. They feel bad that I have had a lifetime of anguish with nobody to support me. That made me feel loved and upset at the same time.

My brother felt the exact same way. He was heartbroken that he never knew what I was going through. He was kind of hurt that I didn't share my secret with him, because we've always shared out secrets with each other. But that's okay he knows now and everything is good. He likes that he's only one of seven who know.
 
My son has been magnificent, calling all my brothers and offering support to them, supporting his sister, and even delivering the news to my ex. It seems very important to him, after all it has changed the way he views his dad after 35 years and explains a lot of unanswered questions. The other great thing is this has bought my whole family together. In the past 3 days they have all spoken to each other more times than the last 6 months. And it is all in support of each other, and me, which fills me with pride in my family, and has been the silver lining to all this.

That should tell you just how special and important you are to them. Heck I've only known you for a few months now and I can even tell that you're a very special person!! It just kind of rolls off of you and is VERY obvious to others. I think out of everything you've told us lately, I'm the most happy about how the relationship between you and your son has changed. As a dad I know how important parent/child relationships are...and yours just strengthened 1000 percent overnight!!! I couldn't be happier for you!

I still haven't had the lifting of weight I expected, and I know that is because of the uncertainty with my wife and my self acceptance are what is weighing on me. For some reason, everything I do in life has to be that much harder.

Out to my work colleagues is next!

Allie

I'm praying that you'll experience that lifting weight soon. You'll be fully out in no time and living as your true self, so you'd better get a move on.  ;)

Here's lot of hugs and kisses for you,
xoxo

Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 22, 2019, 12:20:53 am
Thank you so much for your comments Lexxi. You are a special kind of person I am so glad to have in my corner, and everyone on Susan's loves you, especially me. Our Aboriginal culture in Australia regards the land as part of their family, to be honoured and revered as an elder. Our country nurtured me and in time I will nurture it with my body, so we are one. I subscribe to this culture and feel part of this continent, so in a way, it is mine and I belong to it.

Through this process I have been so wrong about so many things. I no longer try to predict what is going to happen, just be amazed at what does. My brothers were so supportive on the phone to me, but 24 hours later the enormity of what I was going through hit them, and has brought each one to tears. This is testament to how much I mean to them and has left me humbled.

My Son is my hero atm. My whole family have praised him, and he keeps saying he is only what I made him. If he says it again I will burst with pride.

I am working on getting on top of the issues that are weighing me down, but neither are easy solutions. I am relying on my psych to help me with acceptance and my family to help me with my wife. These issues will be around for a while, but hopefully 2020 will be my year to fly.

Life seems much brighter with the support of my family, and I'm not forgetting the family I have found on this forum. between all of us, I know I can get through this!

xoxoxo
Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on August 22, 2019, 12:34:32 am
Hi Allie,

Thank you so much for the kind words, they make me feel special. That is very interesting about the Aboriginal way of thinking. Many of our Native Americans believed that no person could ever own the land. The land just owned itself and we were to take care of it. At least that's the way I understand it.

They were quite confused when Europeans came here and started buying and fencing off land. They just could not understand it, because they knew no one person could possess it...it belonged to everyone. I sometimes wish they would have gotten their way when dealing with the new interlopers, because they most definitely ended up getting the short end of the stick from their interactions.

To this day there are tribes fighting to save the land, but our government doesn't care. They're going to strip it of all its wealth no matter what, even if it pollutes it and makes it useless. It's just incredibly sad.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 31, 2019, 07:52:19 pm
Wow, another month has slipped by, and I'm coming up on 6 months of HRT! I have to say, I am a little disappointed in my results, and a bit worried about my upcoming blood test. I haven't really noticed any changes for months, despite more pains since my last E dose increase. My hips have increased by about 1 1/2 inches, and that's exciting, as body shape is a key dysphoria trigger for me. I thought I had grown in the breast department as my breast forms were making my breasts sore, but now I think it is just the extra soreness from the new dosage. I'm not using my breast forms any more and have gone to sports bras, which do an amazing job of protecting my little breasts from those bumps and brushes that can be so painful.

My weight loss has stalled. I can eat nothing all day and gain weight and be naughty the next day and lose weight. My wife had to go into hospital for an operation last Friday so she wanted to have a meal of fish and chips in the car while we watched for whales at our local beach on Thursday night. We hadn't done this since March, so it was very naughty, but I was shocked next morning to find my weight went up a full kilogram! I ate nothing Friday and no weight loss, then very little again yesterday, but lost 1.1 kilos on weigh in this morning! If there isn't enough stuff doing my head in lately.

I am still on a cloud with the support of my family, and I sat down with my boss' boss last week and told her about my situation and plan to come out to all staff soon. She was also very supportive, and has been working on the plan to tell staff. I expect that this will go well, so I am looking forward to it. I am having laser hair removal and it leaves lots of little scabs on my face for up to 4 days, and some of our staff asked me what the scabs were about. I hate lying, but I sort of indicated it was a new way of shaving which had left marks. So coming out will help me there.

My wife remains both the rock keeping me stable and the millstone weighing me down. She is quite intelligent, and has really opened up to talking about my transition. We had a long discussion about a recent severe dysphoria attack, and how I was struggling because I realised I no longer had control of my life, and feared if there were any more setbacks with my transition I would be punished severely again. She had a few questions on small details I maybe hadn't explained so well so we talked for a couple of hours to make sure she knew exactly where I was at and had no other questions to answer. A few days later we talked about GCS surgery, and how my genitals were a trigger for me, but at my age I would only go minimal depth Vulvoplasty rather than full depth Vaginoplasty. She agreed it would be more appropriate.

In the past couple of weeks she has left me speechless a couple of times. I was talking about my prospects of going full time at some stage, and she floored me by saying I had lied to her as I'd told her I was only ever going to do the minimum to keep my dysphoria under control and we would go on living as we were. I reminded her of our recent discussion that I had lost control of my life and my dysphoria would't even tolerate a low blood test let alone me trying to slow down my transition, and she had no recollection. Then last night I was telling her about the surgeon who would probably be doing my Vulvoplasty and she again accused me of lying to her that I had told her I wouldn't go through any operations. I reminded her of our recent discussion on the different depths and what we agreed on, and she had a vague memory of it.

It scares me that she is blocking out whole discussions, as I am trying to be as open as I can, but this blocking is eroding my credibility in her eyes. I still let her know I adore her and go overboard to prove it , and she has proved her love for me as well. She encourages me by telling me she just couldn't ever live without me, then the next day she will say she cannot accept living with me as a woman. Today is fathers day and my kids wanted me to drive 1 1/2 hours to Melbourne to have a lunch with them, and believe me, in light of how supportive they have been, I really wanted to go, but my wife came home from hospital yesterday and is dealing with a catheter and urine bag, and wanted me to stay with her, so I apologised to my kids and am staying with my wife.

I am still struggling with accepting my forced transition, and loss of control of my life, and the flips and flops of my wife has me exasperated. I see others positively enjoying their transitions and I am finding mine is anything but fun. The only really good thing I have experienced has been the support and acceptance from my family, and that on its own is almost worth the experience, but the rest has just been stress and pain.

My wife and I are going on a weeks vacation this month and we have agreed not to mention my transition, but just relax and enjoy each others company. I am really looking forward to it and hope it will be cathartic for both of us and strengthen our bond. And straight after we get back, my daughter and 3 grandsons are coming to stay with me for the weekend and that always lifts my spirits.

Update complete, thanks for reading!

Allie

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on September 01, 2019, 01:30:26 am
Hi Allie,

Is it possible your wife is starting to show signs of dementia? It seems unusual that someone would forget entire conversations, especially super important ones like that. Or is it possible that she's playing mind games with you? I know my ex used to do stuff like that to me. One time specifically comes to mind because it led to a huge argument between us.

One morning I stepped off our back deck and rolled my ankle really bad on a stepping stone. She heard me yell for help and came out to see what happened. She had to help me up and back into the house. She told me to go to the emergency room after she left for work, and that's exactly what I did...turns out my ankle was broken. After I got home from the hospital I called her at work and told her the results. Her reaction??? She started yelling at me for going to the emergency room instead of going to an immediate care center.

She didn't give a <poo> that my ankle was broken, only that the emergency room cost more than an immediate care center. I mean it was a BAD argument. She claimed that she never told me to go to the emergency room...but that's exactly what she told me to do. After that I started keeping little recordings on my phone of some of our conversations so I could kind of protect myself in the future. Please be warned though...wives get REALLY--REALLY mad when you use their own recorded words to prove they said something.

I'm thrilled that your family is still so supportive!! Having your daughter and grandsons coming to stay with you after your vacation sounds like it will be perfect. I'm sure you'll be spoiling everyone. That's what grandma's are best at.  :)

Oh sympathize with your weight problems. Something similar happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't had much to eat between weigh ins but somehow I gained 5 pounds. It just didn't make any sense to me how that happened. Luckily I've since lost it again...and I certainly hope it stays lost.  :laugh:

I've had to wear my sports bras all the time too. Gotta protect my little girls...especially when I'm driving. The seatbelt still plays hell with them. I've been worried though that having them confined and squished for so long during the day might stunt their growth. I hope that doesn't happen.

I'm hope you're having a great weekend!!

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 01, 2019, 01:52:53 am
Thanks Lexxi, I don't think it's dementia as her memory of other things is pin sharp. I think she so doesn't want to think I will complete my transition she simply blocks out the conversations we have. There is no way I would record our conversations and play them back to her! She seems to acknowledge we've had these conversations, but has no recollection. It is so upsetting to see her blocking as she is quite intelligent.

Your ex seems like she had little regard for you! You may well be in a better position to transition now as she would have made your life hell! I spoke to both my kids today for Fathers Day and thanked my son for wearing a Trans Support button at work all week. I am so lucky to have them!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on September 01, 2019, 11:13:17 am
Allie, that part about your wife blocking out entire conversations sounds scary! I had similar experiences with a few people, some things we agreed on were just lost in a void in their minds. I didn't want to record our discussions, it didn't feel right but it was a cause of endless debates.

I'm also struggling with weight loss and I have experienced things like you just described. You have to keep in mind that results don't always show the next day and just measuring weight alone every day cannot be used as an instant verification. Weight measurements can only really be used to check a longer term trend.
You probably can't put on one kilogram of fat in a day because you ate fish and chips but your body can retain a lot more water because you ate salty foods and that can easily add up to one kilogram the next day.

I can relate to feeling stress and pain about your transition. Of course it's always a great feeling when we find supportive people, but the whole situation is so messed up.
From the start when we realize that something is so fundamentally wrong, but at the same time it seems so bizarre that a huge mistake like that could even exist. Then hiding it and fighting it for decades and then it ultimately takes control of our lives. In the end we don't really have a choice at all but to transition if we want to live. Enduring all the worries about acceptance, relationships and health, which are a direct consequence of the situation we are forced into is not my idea of fun either.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 01, 2019, 03:46:07 pm
Thanks Lynne, it’s always nice when other people understand the trials we go through. A year ago I was fat and happy, confident of my future and my marriage, but now everything in my life is a challenge. I often see posts from others who are positively celebrating their transitions and wonder if they are running away from an awful prior life or just talking things up to justify their path. Yes, my bathroom scales mess with me on a daily basis, but overall I am down 20 kilos and have hit a plateau. I think it is related to the very emotional couple of weeks I have had coming out to my family, and once that all settles I should get back on track. I have 13 more kilos to lose this year!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on September 02, 2019, 02:46:06 am
My prior life wasn't really good either but at least I was in control, or at least it seemed like it. Now I have to listen to all these emotions otherwise I'm useless. When I'll go down the path of starting hormones which I seem to have a need to do, I won't have control over what happens. I will probably welcome the changes HRT will bring, but it also terrifies me greatly that I will be on uncharted waters from that point on and the wind can take me anywhere.

20 kilos is quite a lot, congrats! I lost around 20 kilos too but a little slower, I cannot believe how could I even walk before... A few weeks ago I was carrying some bags, they weighed around 20 kilos and they seemed incredibly heavy, I could barely walk after a few hundred meters and it came to me that all that weight was on me before.
My weight target to start HRT is 65 kilos which is only 2 kilos away but ultimately I wish to reach 60 by the end of this year. It gets increasingly harder and harder to lose weight, sometimes I eat only 1000 kcals a day for days to restart my weight loss.
I'm thinking of buying one of those smart scales that measure more than just weight to get a more complete picture but they are not that accurate in their other readings so I'm not sure if it's worth it.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 02, 2019, 03:29:08 am
Lynne, HRT should even out some of your emotions, but you are right, you just don't know what the end result will be. My goal is to lose 33 kilos this year, but it has stalled. Still have 4 months to go, but it's really going to be a challenge! I have 'weight watchers' scales and I'm sure they are possessed!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on September 02, 2019, 04:11:16 am
Lynne, HRT should even out some of your emotions, but you are right, you just don't know what the end result will be. My goal is to lose 33 kilos this year, but it has stalled. Still have 4 months to go, but it's really going to be a challenge! I have 'weight watchers' scales and I'm sure they are possessed!

Allie

Losing 33 kilos in a year is a quite ambitious goal and it may be even harder for you because you are already on HRT. I'm trying to lose as much weight as I can before HRT as I'm afraid it will be much harder to do it when I'll lose that small amount of testosterone I have. I still have 7 kilos to go to reach my ultimate goal but I already feel so much better in my own skin.

I hope you are right about HRT evening out some of my emotions, I could use some of that.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 02, 2019, 04:28:28 am
Lynne, some of my weight loss since starting HRT in March has been muscle loss. If I can get back on my program I should be able to get there. I don't think HRT slowed up my weight loss much.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 10, 2019, 05:26:06 am
Another update! I have now come out individually to our core group at work, 5 women and one man. They were all completely accepting and supportive, but not one of them had a clue despite my obvious feminine traits and even lots of trans related comments they have made to / about me in the past. I was most worried about my male colleague, as he is a bit of a misogynist. He sat, mouth slightly open as I related my condition and journey, then stuttered that he had no idea. We spoke for a few more minutes and he started to cry. I asked him what had upset him. He said it just hit him that he'd been going through separation and divorce over the past couple of years, and everybody at work knew as it affected his performance. He realised that I had been dealing with the potential loss of everything in my life, and even my life itself, throughout this year, and he had no idea I was even suffering. He knew I was very sick at the start of the year, but had assumed I'd found a miracle cure, and everything was good from April on. I was humbled that he showed so much empathy for my struggle, and he promised to be my strongest supporter.

The ladies are actually excited that I will be transitioning at work over the next year or two, and I think I will be under pressure to go faster. We are getting new uniforms later this year, and I did say I would be ordering the female uniform, but they look similar to the male uniforms, just cut differently. I am starting to show up top, and to protect my very sore breasts, I am wearing sports bras daily, including at work. I can get away with it now as here in Australia it is the cooler months and I am wearing a baggy fleece hoodie. Warmer weather is only a couple of months away, and though I will be still presenting as male, I will have noticeable breasts, and my new smaller waist and slightly bigger hips give my pants a feminine profile. With my long hair, and a more feminine shape, there will be awkward moments at work. We are involved with education of up to 25000 school kids each year, and about 3000 general public, so I am going to be in an awkward phase in front of a lot of people. I know there will be some negative comments, kids are kids.

As summer starts, we will be in shorts and short sleeved tops. Do I shave my arms and legs? Do I stay hairy and hope it helps my male presentation? The question is why wouldn't I just present as female at work? I did say it was going to be that awkward phase, and I don't feel I've softened enough, or my shoulders and arms have reduced enough to try to pass as a woman. I will be guided by my colleagues, and I will ask them to monitor comments made by others, so we can assess it I'm causing any distraction.

The other issue is my wife. She has threatened to walk out on me if I leave the house presenting as female. How will she react to me wearing a female uniform to work albeit trying to present as male? Will this be that step too far? Should I order a male uniform which would be uncomfortable, but may help me look a bit less feminine? It wouldn't make much difference as even in my current male uniform, my breasts and bottom shape are noticeable.

Tomorrow, I will walk into work for the first time where everyone knows who I really am. They have finally been free to talk about me among themselves, and today was a day off for me, so I guess there was some discussion. Everyone said I would still be the same person, but to them, I am different. I am now the trans colleague. There is now a feel of freedom, I don't have to hide, I don't have to keep my fleece top on when I get hot. I can say 'poo' when I break a nail. Tomorrow starts a new phase in my life.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Kirsteneklund7 on September 10, 2019, 06:36:25 am
Another update! I have now come out individually to our core group at work, 5 women and one man. They were all completely accepting and supportive, but not one of them had a clue despite my obvious feminine traits and even lots of trans related comments they have made to / about me in the past. I was most worried about my male colleague, as he is a bit of a misogynist. He sat, mouth slightly open as I related my condition and journey, then stuttered that he had no idea. We spoke for a few more minutes and he started to cry. I asked him what had upset him. He said it just hit him that he'd been going through separation and divorce over the past couple of years, and everybody at work knew as it affected his performance. He realised that I had been dealing with the potential loss of everything in my life, and even my life itself, throughout this year, and he had no idea I was even suffering. He knew I was very sick at the start of the year, but had assumed I'd found a miracle cure, and everything was good from April on. I was humbled that he showed so much empathy for my struggle, and he promised to be my strongest supporter.

The ladies are actually excited that I will be transitioning at work over the next year or two, and I think I will be under pressure to go faster. We are getting new uniforms later this year, and I did say I would be ordering the female uniform, but they look similar to the male uniforms, just cut differently. I am starting to show up top, and to protect my very sore breasts, I am wearing sports bras daily, including at work. I can get away with it now as here in Australia it is the cooler months and I am wearing a baggy fleece hoodie. Warmer weather is only a couple of months away, and though I will be still presenting as male, I will have noticeable breasts, and my new smaller waist and slightly bigger hips give my pants a feminine profile. With my long hair, and a more feminine shape, there will be awkward moments at work. We are involved with education of up to 25000 school kids each year, and about 3000 general public, so I am going to be in an awkward phase in front of a lot of people. I know there will be some negative comments, kids are kids.

As summer starts, we will be in shorts and short sleeved tops. Do I shave my arms and legs? Do I stay hairy and hope it helps my male presentation? The question is why wouldn't I just present as female at work? I did say it was going to be that awkward phase, and I don't feel I've softened enough, or my shoulders and arms have reduced enough to try to pass as a woman. I will be guided by my colleagues, and I will ask them to monitor comments made by others, so we can assess it I'm causing any distraction.

The other issue is my wife. She has threatened to walk out on me if I leave the house presenting as female. How will she react to me wearing a female uniform to work albeit trying to present as male? Will this be that step too far? Should I order a male uniform which would be uncomfortable, but may help me look a bit less feminine? It wouldn't make much difference as even in my current male uniform, my breasts and bottom shape are noticeable.

Tomorrow, I will walk into work for the first time where everyone knows who I really am. They have finally been free to talk about me among themselves, and today was a day off for me, so I guess there was some discussion. Everyone said I would still be the same person, but to them, I am different. I am now the trans colleague. There is now a feel of freedom, I don't have to hide, I don't have to keep my fleece top on when I get hot. I can say 'poo' when I break a nail. Tomorrow starts a new phase in my life.

Allie
Allie, just let it all evolve organically. You dont necessarily have to look female all on one hit. For instance the HRT will already be making you less hairy. When the time is right go for arm wax, leg wax, ect. You will look more feminine but workmates see it everyday and wont be shocked. People you dont see so much will notice a change.

 I believe people will tend to see the Allie they already know until you push the envelope consciously.But dont let me trannysplain ! My first giveaway was obvious <breasts> and long hair. You have softened the blow by giving everyone the heads up.

 You own this!

 PS I think I could benefit from your advice anyway !

 Kirsten x.


Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 10, 2019, 06:52:15 am
Thanks Kirsten, somehow I felt you would be my first response! I am very sensitive to my affects on my workplace, and I am so fortunate to have a great support team, and almost all women. I have charged them with advising me which is the best way to go to, as I know they will have a more objective view and many more eyes and ears. I just have to balance their recommendations against their eagerness to speed up my transition! One lady has already given me literature on Thai surgeons! My intention is to appear as normal as I can for as long as I can to reinforce in everybody that I am really the same person they knew.

The next few months will be interesting!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Kirsteneklund7 on September 10, 2019, 07:00:56 am
Thanks Kirsten, somehow I felt you would be my first response! I am very sensitive to my affects on my workplace, and I am so fortunate to have a great support team, and almost all women. I have charged them with advising me which is the best way to go to, as I know they will have a more objective view and many more eyes and ears. I just have to balance their recommendations against their eagerness to speed up my transition! One lady has already given me literature on Thai surgeons! My intention is to appear as normal as I can for as long as I can to reinforce in everybody that I am really the same person they knew.

The next few months will be interesting!

Hugs,

Allie
I for one will be following with great interest !

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: AllieSF on September 10, 2019, 02:14:07 pm
Congratulations on your coming out to your work mates.  There response is wonderful and should help you a lot as you work through this process.  As for hairy legs and arms, I would say clear the hair and let them notice or not.  The big problem appears to be your wife.  That needs a lot of work and maybe some hard decisions.  I wish you the best with all that.  Going at your speed, slow, appears to be the best solution for now.  You can always change your mid down the road.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 10, 2019, 03:19:17 pm
Thanks Allie! I always knew time was my ally with my wife, so I am conscious of this with the enthusiasm of the ladies I work with. I can see them asking me to join them as a female for birthday brunches and the like, or wanting to drop around to my house for afternoon teas with Allie. As much as I’d like this, I can’t risk it with my wife.

There is another effect though. The positive enthusiasm everyone has shown fo my transition seems to be softening my wife’s approach to all this. Her main fear is the shame of being associated with me when people ridicule me, but there has not been even a cool response to my news. But these are all people who know me, and the acid test will come from the response of those who know my wife, but not me so much. As more and more people in my small community learn about me, eventually one of our neighbours will comment to my wife, and if it is positive, it will make a big difference, but if it is negative.....

hugs

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on September 10, 2019, 03:38:11 pm
Hi Allie,

Congrats on coming out to those coworkers!! I think that will make things more comfortable for you. I can't believe you made that guy cry...that's awesome that you had that kind of effect on him. It tells me that he really cares about you. As I'm sure the other ladies in your workplace do too. You're a very special person...a special woman and they know it!!

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 10, 2019, 03:56:16 pm
Hi Allie,

Congrats on coming out to those coworkers!! I think that will make things more comfortable for you. I can't believe you made that guy cry...that's awesome that you had that kind of effect on him. It tells me that he really cares about you. As I'm sure the other ladies in your workplace do too. You're a very special person...a special woman and they know it!!

xoxo
Lexxi

Thank you Lexxi! Coming out has really made me feel special, and a bit overwhelmed by the acceptance and support. I will be at work in an hour, for the first time where everyone knows me and is free to talk about it. It will be different, but our workload will keep us grounded. I’ll let you know how it goes over the next couple of weeks as the novelty wears off.

Big hugs!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 11, 2019, 01:53:08 am
Today went very well. My colleagues had been talking about me on my day off and they wanted to know how I felt now that they all knew about me. I told them it was noticeably easier to go to work today as I had nothing to hide, and I knew I was coming to a supportive environment. This was a weight off moment. One of the ladies who has enthusiastically embraced my transition, said she felt uncomfortable using my male name. I explained to her that while I am presenting as male, it may cause some awkward moments if people were to address me with a female name, but I said I would talk to the others and see what they thought. I went home for lunch and related this to my wife, who promptly picked up her phone and texted my work colleague my female name!

When I got back from lunch, almost everybody was calling me Allie. My boss loved my name and said it was close enough to my old name that nobody would think it was more than a cute version. So I am Allie at work now. Of course I know when the part time staff who don't yet know about me hear all the regular staff calling my Allie, a question is bound to be asked. I will simply answer.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on September 11, 2019, 03:34:56 am
Hi Allie,

That is fantastic news girl!! Congratulations!!!! I think there was a HUGE kind of hidden plus in your post too...it's that your wife was the one who "outed" your real name. That sounds pretty damn supportive to me!!  ;)

Like Bob Dylan used to sing---the times they are a changin'...I'll add for the better.

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 11, 2019, 04:16:10 am
Thanks Lexxi, yes, I believe the goodwill is affecting my wife and she seems to be coming around a bit. But I have thought that before and she has hit her barrier again, so I'm happy to take it in small steps. My transition seems to have accelerated since coming out, so I have to try to keep a lid on it. I can hardly believe my week is now full female mode at home and then going to work accepted as trans and today I took off my baggy fleece top, and my breasts were showing through my top, but nobody blinked an eye! One of my colleagues said she could see I had breasts, but they didn't look out of place on my body. With everyone calling me Allie, I feel like I have almost gone full time!

I am loving all this so far, but I am cautious it may not last.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: mm on September 11, 2019, 09:09:59 am
Allie, your feeling relieved being yourself at home and work is very normal and many of us felt the same way.  You are so much more relax when everyone knows and accepts you.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 11, 2019, 09:54:19 am
Thank you mm, it is a different world when people support you!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: AllieSF on September 11, 2019, 02:16:20 pm
Allie,

You have one very cool wife!!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on September 11, 2019, 03:25:25 pm
Allie, I teared up while I was reading your latest update, so great to see all the support!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 11, 2019, 04:28:26 pm
Thank you Allie and Lynne! Last night I was sitting in my lounge thinking about the events of the day and started to cry. My wife wanted to know ‘good tears or bad tears?’, I told her good tears. I explained that for many years I had dreamed of the day I could go to work as myself, with everyone accepting, but never thought it could happen. Today my dream was realised in full, and it felt even better than I imagined.

I was really happy my wife more than tolerated me adopting a female identity at work, she actually initiated it! This files against her feeling ashamed of me if anybody found out about me, and I believe she is being influenced by the totally positive reactions from others so far. I am not allowing myself to think she is over her barrier, as it has come up unexpectedly before, so I will just take each small victory as it comes, and be prepared for the setbacks.

I am amazed at how everybody has accepted me, and I was commenting how proud I was with my family and colleagues, and my son pointed out that I should take credit for my lifetime of laying the groundwork for acceptance as I have always been there for others when they had hard times, and I had built up a level of respect which made it impossible for others not to support me when I needed it. I thought about it and decided it is a credit to all of us, my family, colleagues, and myself to be in this situation, and I am truly grateful to be here.

Hugs,

Alie 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: AllieSF on September 11, 2019, 04:39:08 pm
Allie,

You also have a very cool son!!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 11, 2019, 04:48:38 pm
Allie,

You also have a very cool son!!

Allie

I could not be more proud of him!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 16, 2019, 08:07:59 am
Allie, I teared up while I was reading your latest update, so great to see all the support!

Thank you Lynne! I actually cried today at work as I am a bit overwhelmed at developments at work. I have a meeting Thursday with the Senior Inclusion & Diversity Consultant from head office (who even knew we had such a person on staff?) to learn the departmental processes involved in my transition at work. I'm a little scared this is taking me places I'm not ready to go yet, but I'll know more Thursday. My boss told me she had booked me into a presentation by a famous Australian Trans woman, Catherine MacGregor, in a nearby city on work time. I was very happy she would do this for me, and today I found out that all my colleagues are going to make the 2 hour train trip with me to attend this presentation, then we are going to a luncheon at a restaurant to formally welcome Allie into our team. My tears started, I could never in my wildest dreams have imagined I would get this much support. I'm crying again now.

I rang my brother tonight, and he answered "hello Sis!" and continued to refer to me with female pronouns. I am scared I will wake up and find this is all a dream! A month ago, my world was dark with all sorts of negative possibilities clouding my view, but today I'm basking in brilliant sunshine, hardly believing what has happened. I still have the issue with my wife to overcome, but other than that I doubt I could be happier. I have a psych appointment tomorrow and an Endo appointment Wednesday, so I hope my run of good things flows to those as well!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: AllieSF on September 16, 2019, 01:57:57 pm
Allie,

All that sounds so much better than fantastic, more like a fantasy dream.  I am so impressed by what your company is doing.  I am also so happy for you.  May all this continue.  Thanks for sharing, because it is nice to read about the success stories that some people have, and, in your case, how wonderful your son and company are.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 16, 2019, 04:17:11 pm
Thank you Allie! It’s not just my company and my son who are lifting me to the clouds, I have directly come out to over 20 people, and they have told their spouses, children, relatives, and people who knew me through my life, so the pool is well over 50 people, and the feedback from all has been positive, to enthusiastic. Only one husband of a work colleague couldn’t understand, but has a live and let live attitude. I know the word is starting to leak into my local community, and I am expecting some confused responses as my community is mostly retired people, but generally I think they will be supportive. The feeling of being accepted is amazing, but I will still keep to my plan of transitioning slowly. I also know eventually someone will react negatively, but I am confident I can deal with that so much better now.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on September 16, 2019, 04:53:43 pm
Allie, I'm quite emotional today so your post did it again, had to wipe my happy tears away to reply. It all sounds so wonderful, no wonder you cried.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 18, 2019, 04:56:44 am
My Endo appointment went well, this time he said I was finally on track after a slow start. On my new dose I had nearly doubled my previous reading of Estradiol, which is great news, especially after having 3 days of severe dysphoria after the last, disappointing results. I doubt I will have any problems this time. He was encouraged by my improvement with an increased dose, and decided I should go up again by 50%! So tomorrow I start my stronger dose!

I was a bit worried about telling my wife as she has made no secret she would like me to slow down my transition, but she took it well, even suggesting I could use some of my left over patches from smaller doses to make up the new dose. I asked her if she was ok with this and she said she knew nothing could stop or slow my transition now, so it would be pointless not accepting it. Practically this is a good thing, but emotionally I know this was not the news she wanted to hear.

I had an upsetting time yesterday as I went to the Mall hairdresser I have been going to for the last year to get my hair done. All the staff were new and when I asked to have my hair done, they said I had to go to their men's barber, I explained that due to my hair being so long, they had always charged and treated me as a female customer in the past, but the two young girls seemed very uncomfortable with this, and I felt so unwelcome I left.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with the Senior Inclusion & Diversity Consultant (I still can't believe we have such a position in our department!) to discuss the procedures for my transition at work. I'm not sure what this will entail, will they require me to officially change my name and gender marker? Will there be a policy on toilet usage sent around to all our offices? I always worry when bureaucrats get involved that the individual affected get lost in the policies and checkboxes. I will find out tomorrow!

Allie

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 18, 2019, 05:03:23 am
Allie, I'm quite emotional today so your post did it again, had to wipe my happy tears away to reply. It all sounds so wonderful, no wonder you cried.

So glad they are happy tears Lynne! It is a bit overwhelming, and I am feeling like it is more than I am comfortable with, but how can I complain at such amazing support? I am also feeling a bit rushed. Some of the ladies I work with can't wait for me to present as female at work, and are offering to take me their salon for a makeover! I need to keep a lid on this.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Kirsteneklund7 on September 18, 2019, 05:22:30 am
My Endo appointment went well, this time he said I was finally on track after a slow start. On my new dose I had nearly doubled my previous reading of Estradiol, which is great news, especially after having 3 days of severe dysphoria after the last, disappointing results. I doubt I will have any problems this time. He was encouraged by my improvement with an increased dose, and decided I should go up again by 50%! So tomorrow I start my stronger dose!

I was a bit worried about telling my wife as she has made no secret she would like me to slow down my transition, but she took it well, even suggesting I could use some of my left over patches from smaller doses to make up the new dose. I asked her if she was ok with this and she said she knew nothing could stop or slow my transition now, so it would be pointless not accepting it. Practically this is a good thing, but emotionally I know this was not the news she wanted to hear.

I had an upsetting time yesterday as I went to the Mall hairdresser I have been going to for the last year to get my hair done. All the staff were new and when I asked to have my hair done, they said I had to go to their men's barber, I explained that due to my hair being so long, they had always charged and treated me as a female customer in the past, but the two young girls seemed very uncomfortable with this, and I felt so unwelcome I left.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with the Senior Inclusion & Diversity Consultant (I still can't believe we have such a position in our department!) to discuss the procedures for my transition at work. I'm not sure what this will entail, will they require me to officially change my name and gender marker? Will there be a policy on toilet usage sent around to all our offices? I always worry when bureaucrats get involved that the individual affected get lost in the policies and checkboxes. I will find out tomorrow!

Allie
Amazing stuff Allie. So much going on and so positive, so exciting. I am personally following this workplace transition to see how one unfolds in Oz.

 No stuffing the genie back in the bottle now! Fast track to life as your female self....truly fantastic stuff.

 Good on you Allie you actually made it happen.

 Kind regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 18, 2019, 05:33:17 am
Amazing stuff Allie. So much going on and so positive, so exciting. I am personally following this workplace transition to see how one unfolds in Oz.

 No stuffing the genie back in the bottle now! Fast track to life as your female self....truly fantastic stuff.

 Good on you Allie you actually made it happen.

 Kind regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kirsten, I do feel it is all out of my control now! The pool of people knowing is growing daily, everybody is enthusiastically pushing me forward, and now I'm finally seeing some results with HRT it seems I might have to revise my 3 year timetable! I'm not sure if transitioning in a State gov't department would be at all representative of how it would happen in the real world, I mean, how many companies have a position like Senior Inclusion & Diversity Consultant?

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Kirsteneklund7 on September 18, 2019, 05:52:05 am
Love it!. I also want to meet a transition compliance manager to oversee the inclusion & diversity consultant !

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on September 18, 2019, 09:21:14 am
Lexxi, my E level went from 117 to 211, but he wants it between 350 and 380, so I have a way to go. I have had a slow start to my HRT as I am really slow to absorb drugs into my system. I am probably 2 - 3 months behind where I should be. I have had very sore boobs, but no discernible growth.

Hi Allie,

Those numbers are really starting to sound good!! I mean it already nearly doubled once, and now it's going to make another big jump. I know you must be excited! Can you feel your buds growing yet? I can feel them growing on each side, although the right side is definitely bigger...for now. I've heard that sometimes one side grows more than the other, then the other side works to catch up. I have no idea if that's true or not, but that's what someone told me a while back.

All I know is that I'm beyond thrilled for them to be growing at all. I mean I've wanted this since I was 11 or 12 years old. Ever since me female friends started getting theirs. I've tried looking at it like this...I'm just running behind by 38 years or so.  :laugh:

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 18, 2019, 02:10:03 pm
Hi Allie,

Those numbers are really starting to sound good!! I mean it already nearly doubled once, and now it's going to make another big jump. I know you must be excited! Can you feel your buds growing yet? I can feel them growing on each side, although the right side is definitely bigger...for now. I've heard that sometimes one side grows more than the other, then the other side works to catch up. I have no idea if that's true or not, but that's what someone told me a while back.

All I know is that I'm beyond thrilled for them to be growing at all. I mean I've wanted this since I was 11 or 12 years old. Ever since me female friends started getting theirs. I've tried looking at it like this...I'm just running behind by 38 years or so.  :laugh:

xoxo
Lexxi

Lexxi, I have experienced significant breast growth, they’re solid A cup now, and partly my reason for coming out at this time because I’m having trouble hiding them! My wife stopped me from going outside in a white t shirt last week, as my breasts were so obvious. I meant to say that since my last dosage upgrade, they haven’t grown much given the soreness! I will try to post a pic showing my t shirt challenge. Today will be in the mid to high 70 degrees, so I won’t be wearing a sloppy pullover to my transition meeting. This means my girls will be noticeable at that meeting, even in a sports bra!

It will happen for you Lexxi, and not too long to wait now! Your wardrobe will have to change this Christmas!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 19, 2019, 05:56:36 am
I am personally following this workplace transition to see how one unfolds in Oz.



 Kind regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kirsten, my meeting went well today. I had my direct boss and her boss, myself and the consultant. Most of the meeting was taken up with designing a training package for staff. There are over 60 people on our site, and they will all be required to attend a 2 hour training session on inclusion of trans people, and the protocols for addressing and referring to trans people, plus a lot of other things. In the last 15 minutes, they will explain the reason for the training session, identify me, and talk about my transition in the workplace. It is optional for me to attend, but I said I would as I am happy to answer not to personal questions.

The second part is another 2 hour training session for the core members of our staff (about 6 people) to train them to be 'allies' (no pun intended) to look out for problems and potential problems and act to prevent them from becoming an issue for me. There was talk of other procedures to change names and gender markers, and some links to relevant policies in an 11 page document I have yet to read. The general thrust of the discussion was that everything was up to me to initiate when and how things would happen, and then I was largely forgotten as the others arranged dates for training programs! This prompted me to ask them to actually listen to me when I tell them I am uncomfortable with all the fuss, and I feel guilty making all our staff do these training sessions, just because of me. They argued it would be of general benefit to the staff and they would provide snacks, so everybody would be happy to be there. I know that is true with this group!

I came away feeling that the training will be of benefit to all, but I'm still a bit uncomfortable I'm causing all this. My manager said she expected me to present as female at work after the training sessions, but I said that wouldn't happen until I felt comfortable with my presentation, and I guessed that might be another year or more to see the results of HRT. She said she was comfortable with my appearance and would back me 100% if I decide to go to work tomorrow as a woman. I know a couple of other staff who are anxious for the real me to come to work so I will have to work to keep a lid on this. One reason is for my comfort, but the other is because things are starting to go too fast for my wife to adjust, and I need to give her the best chance to transition with me at a pace so she can adjust.

Of course, I can no longer hide the girls now that the warmer weather is coming, and I started my 50% stronger patches tonight, so the awkward times are upon us.

Hugs,

Allie

P.S. Pic is me trying to look male as I can for the meeting!

(https://i.imgur.com/gznjvZe.jpg)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Kirsteneklund7 on September 19, 2019, 06:24:22 am
Kirsten, my meeting went well today. I had my direct boss and her boss, myself and the consultant. Most of the meeting was taken up with designing a training package for staff. There are over 60 people on our site, and they will all be required to attend a 2 hour training session on inclusion of trans people, and the protocols for addressing and referring to trans people, plus a lot of other things. In the last 15 minutes, they will explain the reason for the training session, identify me, and talk about my transition in the workplace. It is optional for me to attend, but I said I would as I am happy to answer not to personal questions.

The second part is another 2 hour training session for the core members of our staff (about 6 people) to train them to be 'allies' (no pun intended) to look out for problems and potential problems and act to prevent them from becoming an issue for me. There was talk of other procedures to change names and gender markers, and some links to relevant policies in an 11 page document I have yet to read. The general thrust of the discussion was that everything was up to me to initiate when and how things would happen, and then I was largely forgotten as the others arranged dates for training programs! This prompted me to ask them to actually listen to me when I tell them I am uncomfortable with all the fuss, and I feel guilty making all our staff do these training sessions, just because of me. They argued it would be of general benefit to the staff and they would provide snacks, so everybody would be happy to be there. I know that is true with this group!

I came away feeling that the training will be of benefit to all, but I'm still a bit uncomfortable I'm causing all this. My manager said she expected me to present as female at work after the training sessions, but I said that wouldn't happen until I felt comfortable with my presentation, and I guessed that might be another year or more to see the results of HRT. She said she was comfortable with my appearance and would back me 100% if I decide to go to work tomorrow as a woman. I know a couple of other staff who are anxious for the real me to come to work so I will have to work to keep a lid on this. One reason is for my comfort, but the other is because things are starting to go too fast for my wife to adjust, and I need to give her the best chance to transition with me at a pace so she can adjust.

Of course, I can no longer hide the girls now that the warmer weather is coming, and I started my 50% stronger patches tonight, so the awkward times are upon us.

Hugs,

Allie
Great to hear from you Allie!

I think your instinct and gut feeling on this is correct! I think there is a potential for the political correctness and walking on eggshells factor to creep in.

 My personal belief is your own maturity and fair dinkum approach will put the team at ease before they even get a chance to get uneasy.

 You mentioned your own pace as well. You own this and I think you will dictate the appropriate pace.

 Just quietly your story is blowing me away as well. Fantastic times! You will do well.

PS. I am highly impressed.

 Yours truly, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 19, 2019, 06:39:02 am
Great to hear from you Allie!

I think your instinct and gut feeling on this is correct! I think there is a potential for the political correctness and walking on eggshells factor to creep in.

 My personal belief is your own maturity and fair dinkum approach will put the team at ease before they even get a chance to get uneasy.

 You mentioned your own pace as well. You own this and I think you will dictate the appropriate pace.

 Just quietly your story is blowing me away as well. Fantastic times! You will do well.

PS. I am highly impressed.

 Yours truly, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Thank you so much Kirsten! I read so many other stories on this site which blew me away, but never imagined I could do that to anyone else. I am quite chuffed at your comment. Lexxi keeps warning me not to get a big head, but with comments like that, it will be hard. I have been head hunted before in my life as I have a reputation for creating good workplace relations, so your observation has merit. I doubt any other workplace would go this far to accomodate a transitioning person, so I am really lucky, but you probably can't see this as a typical workplace transition in OZ!

I am off to Hervey Bay next Thursday for a much needed break from all this, and the deal with my wife is that we won't mention my transition all week. My breasts might make this hard to achieve though as I'm guessing other people  may mention it!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Kirsteneklund7 on September 19, 2019, 06:45:13 am
Thank you so much Kirsten! I read so many other stories on this site which blew me away, but never imagined I could do that to anyone else. I am quite chuffed at your comment. Lexxi keeps warning me not to get a big head, but with comments like that, it will be hard. I have been head hunted before in my life as I have a reputation for creating good workplace relations, so your observation has merit. I doubt any other workplace would go this far to accomodate a transitioning person, so I am really lucky, but you probably can't see this as a typical workplace transition in OZ!

I am off to Hervey Bay next Thursday for a much needed break from all this, and the deal with my wife is that we won't mention my transition all week. My breasts might make this hard to achieve though as I'm guessing other people  may mention it!

Hugs,

Allie
Too right Allie it is easy to get way too transitioncentric but you realise the temptation so you can avoid going over the top.

 Golden opportunity to consolidate with Wifey as well. I like happy stories !

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Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on September 19, 2019, 04:36:22 pm
So glad they are happy tears Lynne! It is a bit overwhelming, and I am feeling like it is more than I am comfortable with, but how can I complain at such amazing support? I am also feeling a bit rushed. Some of the ladies I work with can't wait for me to present as female at work, and are offering to take me their salon for a makeover! I need to keep a lid on this.

Allie

Your feelings are totally understandable, the pace of your transition just got really fast.
I'm in a similar situation, my boss immediately offered the possibility of essentially going full-time, but I felt that would be too fast. The problem is that certain other changes at work would make it very awkward for me to wait a lot longer with going full-time so I'll probably need to do this in a month or two.
I saw you already have a date for your coming out to the whole department, that date is less than 3 weeks from now, wow!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 19, 2019, 04:57:23 pm
Thanks Lynne! As you can see in my pic of me in male mode a couple of posts back, I really can’t delay the announcement to staff any longer, or they will simply know from looking at me. Especially now my dose is up 50% as of last night! The date is pending logistics of being able to get everyone together, but I’ll know next week. They all want me to go full time, but I’m just not ready yet.

I hope your going full time goes smoothly and I will be interested to follow your progress.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: KathyLauren on September 19, 2019, 05:40:47 pm
P.S. Pic is me trying to look male as I can for the meeting!

(https://i.imgur.com/gznjvZe.jpg)

Um, yeah, that's not gonna work.  That's a rather impressive male fail!  ;D

I am glad things are moving forward for you on the work front.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 19, 2019, 09:25:04 pm
Yes Kathy, I guess it’s time to come out to everybody. My endo upped my dose mostly to get the fat deposits going to soften my body and my face, as I really need to get that happening soon!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 20, 2019, 06:40:26 am
Well, the site training day and my coming out to the 60 people at my workplace has been put back to early December due to scheduling difficulties. The idea of addressing everyone together was to stop whispers and rumours, but at my current rate of development, those whispers and rumours will be well established by December! It is what it is, and if anyone asks, I will tell them. My dozen or so team members all know and that is what matters.

I’m becoming more comfortable with being out, especially as I am yet to experience a negative response, but I am expecting some and feel I can handle them ok. I was reviewing everything that has happened lately and it occurred to me that this is real, and I am actually well on my way to living as a trans woman.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on September 22, 2019, 10:42:07 am
Yeah, no male detected in the picture, sorry :D

It's great that you can be so open about this at work, I think by December there won't be anybody around who doesn't know. I hope you won't get any negative responses, but even if you do, you have a lot of awesome people around you who can help you deal with it if needed.

I think I'll schedule another meeting with my boss soon to discuss next steps at work. I'm terrified and excited at same time about going full-time.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 22, 2019, 12:40:04 pm
Yeah, no male detected in the picture, sorry :D

It's great that you can be so open about this at work, I think by December there won't be anybody around who doesn't know. I hope you won't get any negative responses, but even if you do, you have a lot of awesome people around you who can help you deal with it if needed.

I think I'll schedule another meeting with my boss soon to discuss next steps at work. I'm terrified and excited at same time about going full-time.

Thanks Lynne! I do have amazing support, and I now know that my public transition is well under way and unstoppable, so I don’t need to worry about it any more. I can now focus on my wife, and on Thursday we are heading off to the sub tropics to do something we both love, play with Humpback Whales. It will be a trans free week, so I will try not to visit this site, and concentrate on reconnecting with the love of my life. After we get back, my public coming out will accelerate, and we both need to be sure of our love and need for each other. You will do fine with your boss, and going full time is what we all need1

Hugs,
Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on September 22, 2019, 03:33:24 pm
That trip with your wife sounds like fun, I hope it will provide a chance to reconnect and find ways to move forward together.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on September 22, 2019, 08:20:20 pm
Thanks Lynne! I do have amazing support, and I now know that my public transition is well under way and unstoppable, so I don’t need to worry about it any more. I can now focus on my wife, and on Thursday we are heading off to the sub tropics to do something we both love, play with Humpback Whales. It will be a trans free week, so I will try not to visit this site, and concentrate on reconnecting with the love of my life. After we get back, my public coming out will accelerate, and we both need to be sure of our love and need for each other. You will do fine with your boss, and going full time is what we all need1

Hugs,
Allie

Hey Allie,

Well this is a new one...I didn't know you swam with whales too!! Hopefully you'll get to ride on a super nice one...just stay away from its mouth. We don't need a new bible story entitled Allie and the whale.  :laugh:

Seriously I hope you two have a fantastic, stress free, fun, safe, and exciting vacation.  :)

I hope to hear some really exciting stories when you get back.  ;)

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 28, 2019, 03:30:14 am
Ok so it’s day 3 of our trip, and I haven’t managed it to be trans free so well. It’s harder than I thought! It’s also partly my wifes fault. She found a car she wanted to buy yesterday, so we drove 2.5 hours to test drive it, and ended up buying it. The car was fairly close to a half brother I had never visited at his home, so we went to visit him. This was a rare opportunity to see him face to face, so I came out to him and his wife. They had never encountered a trans person before so there was plenty of explaining to do. They were very accepting and supportive.

Then today we went shopping at a local weekend market, which was a bit disappointing, so we hit a shopping centre! I was good, and didn’t buy anything for myself, but my wife kept finding clothes she knew I’d like!!

Tomorrow we are going whale watching and maybe get an opportunity to swim with them. No Lexxi, we won’t be riding any! I think I can now get into the trans free part of our trip, well, I will try!! My wife is really having a great holiday, and giving me lots of cuddles, so that is what is important!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on September 28, 2019, 07:15:13 am
Hi Allie,

Imagine my surprise when I scrolled down the "Recent Topics" tab and saw your post. I kind of figured since you were having a trans free vacation, you wouldn't be posting anything this week, so I didn't expect to to see your pretty avatar until you got back home.

Congrats on the new car. I hope you got an awesome deal!! Also though here's a great big congrats on coming out to your brother and his family. I think it's awesome that they're supportive!!!

Sorry to see hear that you won't be able to ride any of those whales. I'm sure that would have been a blast...maybe you'll be able to next time.  ;D

I do have one very important question though...did your wife buy those clothes for you? I sure hope so...as long as she has a good sense of fashion.  :laugh:

I'm glad you all seem to be having a good time, and I'm glad your wife is giving you those cuddles. Stay safe and continue to have a great time.

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 28, 2019, 03:52:55 pm
Hi Allie,

Imagine my surprise when I scrolled down the "Recent Topics" tab and saw your post. I kind of figured since you were having a trans free vacation, you wouldn't be posting anything this week, so I didn't expect to to see your pretty avatar until you got back home.

Congrats on the new car. I hope you got an awesome deal!! Also though here's a great big congrats on coming out to your brother and his family. I think it's awesome that they're supportive!!!

Sorry to see hear that you won't be able to ride any of those whales. I'm sure that would have been a blast...maybe you'll be able to next time.  ;D

I do have one very important question though...did your wife buy those clothes for you? I sure hope so...as long as she has a good sense of fashion.  :laugh:

I'm glad you all seem to be having a good time, and I'm glad your wife is giving you those cuddles. Stay safe and continue to have a great time.

xoxo
Lexxi

Lexxi, no new clothes for me, I knew if I bought some i would wear them!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 29, 2019, 11:45:39 pm
Our whale watching trip was OK, but no opportunity to swim with the whales  :( Nothing trans was mentioned all day, well my wife did come to me an pulled my wetsuit zipper up to a more modest level as she said I was showing cleavage! She blessed my long nails when I was able to use them to push her mask strap back through the side clip, but nothing was actually said about me being trans all day.

Today we went out on a dive boat to dive a recently sunk navy ship. All was Ok until I got down to the wreck and the pressure started to push on my breasts. The pain got steadily worse until I had to leave my wife and surface. Even on the surface, it took a half an hour for the pain to settle. I discussed it with my wife as I was considering not going on the second dive, but she convinced me to try diving with the front of my wetsuit unzipped, to see if it was the suit or the pressure causing the pain. It was the pressure, and I had to end this dive early too, though it wasn’t quite as bad as before.

Back on the boat I realised I may have to give up something I have so enjoyed for most of my life, and it was the reason my wife and I got together in the first place. I had to hold back tears on the dive boat during the 1 1/4 hour trip back to the harbour. I am booked on another dive this Friday morning, and I am scared I might have to abandon it as well.

This event could signal a significant shift in our lifestyle. We are both avid divers, have our own dive boat at our house near our favourite dive sites, and have a divers lodge on our property to accommodate the club divers who regularly come out with us on our boat. If I can’t dive anymore, it makes all this hard to justify, so the prospect of selling the boat and 4wd tow vehicle just got real. This is something my wife and I have to think about, and its effect on our lifestyle.

Still a couple of days of holiday to go, and our activities will probably revolve around botanic gardens , dolphin feeding and just plain kicking back. Let’s see what else develops...

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on September 30, 2019, 12:35:51 am
Back on the boat I realised I may have to give up something I have so enjoyed for most of my life, and it was the reason my wife and I got together in the first place. I had to hold back tears on the dive boat during the 1 1/4 hour trip back to the harbour. I am booked on another dive this Friday morning, and I am scared I might have to abandon it as well.

This event could signal a significant shift in our lifestyle. We are both avid divers, have our own dive boat at our house near our favourite dive sites, and have a divers lodge on our property to accommodate the club divers who regularly come out with us on our boat. If I can’t dive anymore, it makes all this hard to justify, so the prospect of selling the boat and 4wd tow vehicle just got real. This is something my wife and I have to think about, and its effect on our lifestyle.
Allie

Hi Allie,

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet. I'm sure a lot of teen girls with growing breasts think they'll have to give up some parts of their lives because of sore breasts too. You're in the same boat with them so to speak...pun intended. Right now your teenage breasts are just as sore as theirs ever were. Your wife probably suffered through the same thing when she was a teen.

So please don't think you'll have to get rid of some of the best parts of your life yet. Give your breasts time to grow and quit being sore before you make any decisions. Most likely everything will go perfectly and you'll be able to keep right on diving. Think back to when you first started diving. Did diving hurt some part of your body? Like maybe your ears for instance? If so were you able to get used to it? Did it change anything?

(I thought of ears because if I ever go deeper than 9 feet when I'm swimming it absolutely kills my ears. I don't know if that's something I would get used to or not...but I thought it might be a good example.)

I know for me my budding breasts have already gone through a couple of different pain phases. A couple of months ago I almost wrecked my car because my seatbelt got stuck on my nipple. Right now my nipples aren't as sore, so the seatbelt doesn't bother them.

Plus remember you just upped your dose of Estradiol too, and that can certainly make your breasts even more sore than usual. They'll probably stay a little more sensitive for at least a couple of weeks or maybe even a month. At least mine have been that way.

So please, please, please, don't give up on your hopes and dreams so quickly. Just tell yourself that the pain will pass soon enough and everything will be okay. Girl you'll probably be so good you'll be able to dive to the bottom of the Mariana Trench before long.  ;)

Love, hugs and kisses,

Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 30, 2019, 01:02:18 am
Thanks again Lexxi, you are always in my corner! We had been considering selling our boat as it just hasn’t had the use to justify it over the past year. Our plan was to see how much it will get used this summer and make a decision on the early part of 2020, but todays events have possibly pushed up this decision. I still have opportunities to dive with other people, but I’m thinking that with my endo planning to up my dose again soon, diving will be out for me for more than a year. At my age, other things are happening to make me consider my ability to keep diving has a limited time left, so this might just bring a premature end. I won’t get rid of my diving gear, but all my dive suits now don’t fit me, and I was looking to have to buy new suits for next year anyway, but that won’t happen now. I have to accept that my life is changing and there will be other things to fill the void. The girls at work can’t wait for me to join them at girls cafe and shopping dates, and I would get to spend more time with my grandchildren which is my priority anyway!

Love,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on September 30, 2019, 04:12:01 am
Well when you put it like that it sounds much better. My heart was breaking for you because of that other post. You know you could always start diving topless. Then you could repurpose the top part of your dive suit into a passable mermaid tail. Just imagine all the excitement you'd bring to people who saw a real mermaid go swimming by.  :laugh:

Love

Lexxi

P.S. of course I'll always be in your corner.  :)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 30, 2019, 07:08:31 pm
About 3 am this morning I was thinking about everything that has been happening to me and I became overwhelmed, breaking down into sobbing tears for nearly 2 hours. It wasn’t just the prospect of having to give up my beloved diving, but being humbled by the overwhelming responses to my coming out, and scared by everyone’s expectations. But the big one is the undeniable fact my life is changing rapidly.

My wife hugged me through it, as she is the only person who knows how hard all this is for me. I still haven’t accepted my transition yet. I have no confidence I will ever be passable, and I simply can’t make a mental image of what I will be like at the end of this transition. Going forward is so scary but I know I have to do it, I just haven’t come to terms with that yet.

I am so lucky in so many ways, most of all the support around me, that my being scared seems unjustified. But I am. I have to deal with significant changes in my life, my next challenge is to explain to my scuba club why I will not be diving again for a while, if ever. Normally this wouldn’t be much of an issue, but I am vice president, life member, and own the boat we dive from.

They all said transition would be a ride, but you just don’t know how much until you are on it!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 01, 2019, 02:38:56 am
And the ride continues! My amazing wife kidnapped me today and took me shopping. We hit the women’s sections of the department stores, and I even took my selection of womens clothes to the fitting rooms and used the womens cubicle! I came home with a new outfit and that always cheers me up!

Our ‘trans free’ holiday ends tomorrow, and I failed badly at keeping my transition in the background. I should have known. It is so much a part of our lives it can’t be just ignored...even for a week. We had a couple of ‘trans free’ days but for the most part, it was a normal week. The intention was for my wife and I to reconnect, and despite my transition intruding at times, I think we did. We have really enjoyed each others company and when I told her I needed her in my life, she replied that she needed me in hers as well. I love her so much.

Back on a plane to home tomorrow, and my daughter is coming to visit me this weekend with her children and her mother - my ex! She knows I am transitioning, so this could be another exciting part of the ride!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Kirsteneklund7 on October 01, 2019, 05:30:41 am
Hi Allie, I just read you may stop diving. As a diver myself, how can you say such things !

 Spending time underwater is like breathing it is something we just DO. Isnt diving excellent exercise to maintain health and fitness in middle age & beyond ?

 What does your wife think about not diving ? Besides wouldnt diving be even better post transition ?

 I feel shocked that a diver would talk about NOT DIVING.

 Kirsten

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 01, 2019, 06:34:43 am
Hi Allie, I just read you may stop diving. As a diver myself, how can you say such things !

 Spending time underwater is like breathing it is something we just DO. Isnt diving excellent exercise to maintain health and fitness in middle age & beyond ?

 What does your wife think about not diving ? Besides wouldnt diving be even better post transition ?

 I feel shocked that a diver would talk about NOT DIVING.

 Kirsten

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kirsten, I was so sore deeper than 10 metres, and by 25 metres I was breathing double time, and all I wanted to do was get back on the boat. I have never felt like that in over 1600 dives. I got back in for a second dive to see if it was pressure or the suit, but the pain came back even with my suit unzipped, so I know it’s pressure related. This may mean I can’t dive again until this breast sensitivity calms down.

Diving has been the thing my wife and I do together, she has been my buddy on over a thousand dives. We moved to a house close to our favourite dive sites, bought a 6.5 metre custom dive boat, and built a divers lodge on our property so our club members could come stay and dive with us. We are both into underwater photography, she shoots stills, and is a renowned marine photographer in Australia, and I shoot video, and have had footage on every TV network. We wrote columns in Sport Diving Magazine and Dive Log. So it would be a huge thing for us to give up what has been a lifestyle.

I am diving the ex HMAS Canberra on Friday as I was on the committee which sunk the wreck, and it’s the 10th anniversary. The water in Vic is still about 14 degrees, so I will be diving in a drysuit. I am praying the pumping air into the suit might alleviate some of the pain, but not confident. I have a dive trip booked at the end of this month to dive the spectacular and rarely dived islands off Wilson’s Prom, which includes swimming with hundreds of seals, and I will be crushed to miss that. Especially as I have to take my boat to take the divers out!

Having said all that, I just can’t dive with the pain I experienced yesterday, and I worry it might be causing some damage. My endo wants to increase my dosage in November, so I can’t see an end to my sensitive breasts for some time. I admit, we have been slowing up our diving in the past couple of years as I give time to my grand kids and now often work weekends.

Because it seems to be deeper than 10 metres that I get the pain, I may be able to keep freediving, so it won’t keep me out of the water, and part of my job is being a snorkel instructor so I will get my fishy fix, it may just not be on scuba for some time.

I didn’t know you dived Kirsten, we must compare notes!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Kirsteneklund7 on October 01, 2019, 07:09:35 am
Kirsten, I was so sore deeper than 10 metres, and by 25 metres I was breathing double time, and all I wanted to do was get back on the boat. I have never felt like that in over 1600 dives. I got back in for a second dive to see if it was pressure or the suit, but the pain came back even with my suit unzipped, so I know it’s pressure related. This may mean I can’t dive again until this breast sensitivity calms down.

Diving has been the thing my wife and I do together, she has been my buddy on over a thousand dives. We moved to a house close to our favourite dive sites, bought a 6.5 metre custom dive boat, and built a divers lodge on our property so our club members could come stay and dive with us. We are both into underwater photography, she shoots stills, and is a renowned marine photographer in Australia, and I shoot video, and have had footage on every TV network. We wrote columns in Sport Diving Magazine and Dive Log. So it would be a huge thing for us to give up what has been a lifestyle.

I am diving the ex HMAS Canberra on Friday as I was on the committee which sunk the wreck, and it’s the 10th anniversary. The water in Vic is still about 14 degrees, so I will be diving in a drysuit. I am praying the pumping air into the suit might alleviate some of the pain, but not confident. I have a dive trip booked at the end of this month to dive the spectacular and rarely dived islands off Wilson’s Prom, which includes swimming with hundreds of seals, and I will be crushed to miss that. Especially as I have to take my boat to take the divers out!

Having said all that, I just can’t dive with the pain I experienced yesterday, and I worry it might be causing some damage. My endo wants to increase my dosage in November, so I can’t see an end to my sensitive breasts for some time. I admit, we have been slowing up our diving in the past couple of years as I give time to my grand kids and now often work weekends.

Because it seems to be deeper than 10 metres that I get the pain, I may be able to keep freediving, so it won’t keep me out of the water, and part of my job is being a snorkel instructor so I will get my fishy fix, it may just not be on scuba for some time.

I didn’t know you dived Kirsten, we must compare notes!

Hugs,

Allie
I dont have much footage to show. Lots of spearfishing and freediving over the years. Lots of scuba. Spent a season in Gove and the Gulf of Carpentaria diving commercially for trepang.
 I scuba dive in my backyard pool wth my 10 & 11 year old sons !

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on October 01, 2019, 01:49:09 pm
I've wanted to dive my whole life, but never got around to it. Sadly I don't think I'd be able to do it though because as soon as I get down to around 9 feet deep it feels like someone is jabbing ice picks in my ears. I can't even imagine going down to 10 meters...hell I can't even imagine going down to 4 meters, lol.

Plus I'm terrified of sharks, so it's best that I stay out of the water altogether. So I'll have to be content to live vicariously through you professional divers.

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 02, 2019, 10:53:12 pm
I am starting to see some results from our 'trans free' weeks holiday. I know I failed at keeping it 'trans free', but we still reconnected. My wife has been more affectionate with me than she has for years, and today she said I should start to embrace my changes and alter my life to make the most of them. Then she started listing all the holidays we could do together in the coming years. She knows that I was feeling bad about not being able to dive, so she came up with lots of non diving locations she would like to see, with me!!! This is the first time since I started transition she has mentioned us being together in years to come! I am starting to think we will actually make it through this!!

Feeling very happy today!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on October 02, 2019, 11:53:30 pm
Hey Allie,

That is absolutely fantastic news!! Something told me she wasn't going to leave you. You're just too much of an amazing person, so why would she ever want to live her life without you. You're a queen and she knows it!!  ;)

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 03, 2019, 03:10:15 am
Hey Allie,

That is absolutely fantastic news!! Something told me she wasn't going to leave you. You're just too much of an amazing person, so why would she ever want to live her life without you. You're a queen and she knows it!!  ;)

xoxo
Lexxi

Thanks Lexxi, lately I've been a bit of a drama queen in my wife's eyes. I think she has accepted the inevitability of my situation and how we are so good together, so she has decided to try to get the bast out of it. She hasn't outright said she is staying with me, but I will take the planning as a good sign. We decided if I have pain on my dive tomorrow, the boat and tow car will go on the market, so lots riding on my morning dive. I have to admit, it all seems minor against the feeling she is staying with me.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 10, 2019, 03:25:46 pm
I came out to my scuba club yesterday. I was expecting to be presenting to around 18 people, but there were 35 people packed in our meeting room. More than half were people I knew well, but maybe 10 people I had never met before. I have spoken to more than 20 people individually, but addressing a crowd was a whole different proposition. I launched into my story and immediately my mouth went dry. The room was dead silent as I described what I was going though and why. I made a big point that this was not a choice for me, but it was for my wife. This is also my wifes biggest nightmare and she was struggling with this more than I am, yet she has not only stayed with me, but came to the meeting to support me. Many people said I was brave, but I pointed out that I had to do this, so my wife was the real hero as she chose to stay with me through this,.

The reaction of the members was very supportive, both my wife and I were hugged and shared tears with members for the next half an hour. I received so much support and felt welcome to transition while remaining active in the club which has been a big part of my life. This was a big step as now the word is out into our community, and soon, everybody will know. The support we both got should go a long way to helping my wife deal with her feeling of being ashamed of me, and her fear of me appearing as a woman in public. 

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on October 10, 2019, 04:00:38 pm
Allie, I'm just catching up with all your progress, wow, you are unstoppable! I would probably faint if I had to come out to 35 people all at once, that's quite an achievement in itself, congrats!
It sounds like that you have everyone's support around you, that's really really good to see.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on October 10, 2019, 08:51:29 pm
Hey Allie,

I've had to give speeches in front of crowds before and I know exactly how uncomfortable it is when your mouth suddenly goes desert dry. But I'm glad you were able to make your way through it. I think it's great that your peeps were so supportive. I hope that helps your wife realize that you truly are loved in your community, and that everything will be okay.

I'll talk to ya later,

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Susan R on October 10, 2019, 09:21:00 pm
@Allie Jayne

Wow, this sounds incredible!  I wish I could've been there.  It sounds like a very emotional presentation.  Glad you kept it together and had the support from the group and your wife.  She sounds like a wonderful person.  I really enjoy hearing good news like this.  Thanks for sharing it with us Allie.

MY Best,
Susan R🌷
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 10, 2019, 09:22:46 pm
Allie, I'm just catching up with all your progress, wow, you are unstoppable! I would probably faint if I had to come out to 35 people all at once, that's quite an achievement in itself, congrats!
It sounds like that you have everyone's support around you, that's really really good to see.

Thank you Lynne. On the way to the meeting my wife asked me if I was nervous, I said no, then when we took our seats at the meeting she asked me again, and I said no. After double the number I expected came into the room I told her “Now I’m nervous!”

I’m lucky that I am used to presenting to crowds of people, but I’ve never presented on a subject so personal before. I got through it and the response was better than I could hope for. I was very pleased to see my wife getting more hugs than me, and she was even crying with others. The strange thing about my wife is that this morning, when I mentioned the level of support we got last night, My wife refused to acknowledge it had happened. One of the guys made the inevitable crack about getting it cut off, and I simply said it was my plan to have GCS. He was a bit rattled, but realised I was serious.

On our drive home my wife mentioned my response and said I had told her I wasn’t going to have surgery. This was a bit scary, as on 2 occasions I have sat down with her and showed her the information on shallow depth vulvoplasty I will get, then showed her the website of the doctor who will perform the surgery, and we discussed to costs. Since then she has twice told me I said I wasn’t having surgery.

Scary.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lynne on October 14, 2019, 03:36:06 pm
I got somewhat used to presenting technical stuff to bigger groups, I did successful demos to even the highest level managers but telling so many people something so personal is on another level totally.

I hope your wife's memory lapses are not a sign of something more serious, maybe it's just a way for her mind to cope with all this but I know from experience how scary it is to see something like that.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 14, 2019, 05:07:26 pm
I hope your wife's memory lapses are not a sign of something more serious, maybe it's just a way for her mind to cope with all this but I know from experience how scary it is to see something like that.

Lynne, we had a tear filled weekend where we, once again, laid out to each other where we are. She explained to me that everything that happens in my transition she sees as a nail in the coffin of the husband she had made her world. She had some memory of me going over my preferred surgery, doctor, and costs, but as I did't say the exact words "I am going to have this surgery" she put the surgery out of her mind. I have been telling others for some time that my transition is way harder on my wife than it is on me. If I suddenly died, she would mourn for a while, accept it and get on with life, but transition is a cruelly slow death of the man she loves and put her future dreams into.

To her credit, she said she was going to help me ease myself into going outside our house as a woman, and she got me to go for a late night drive with her to a deserted location where we got out of the car for a while. This is a huge step for her as I know one of her biggest fears is me being seen outside as a woman. Hopefully we can continue this sort of activity, as I see it of greater benefit to her than it may be to me.

My work colleagues are giving me a luncheon on two weeks to welcome me as a woman into the workplace, and I feel that, given the theme of the event, I should make an effort to appear feminine. My wife was dead against this, but she seems to also see the inevitability of my situation. So before the event, I'm hoping we can both ease into my limited public appearance. To some my wife seems like a lot of work, but she is my world, and I refuse to conceive of life without her.


@Susan R, actually my presentation wasn't very emotional, but the responses were. My club president posted that he had never been more proud to be associated with a group of people than that night!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 29, 2019, 04:33:10 am
So in the lead up to my work luncheon tomorrow, I really wanted to get my eyebrows shaped and tinted. I had a hairdresser appointment a week ago for a new style, and she was going to do my brows, but I had a swelling on one brow from my grandson smacking me with a nerf gun! So I decided this morning to go to a salon and get my brows done. I figured it would look stranger for a man to get female brows than me presenting as a woman, so I ventured out of the house in womens jeans, top, jewellery and minimal makeup. This was the first time I'd ever done this, so I was nervous, parking close to the mall entry nearest to the salon, and cunningly arriving 10 minutes after opening time to minimise encounters.

Of course, the salon wasn't open yet! So I scurried back to the safety of my car and waited another 10 minutes. My second foray also found the salon still not opened. On my third attempt, the salon was open, but there were two women ahead of me. I was welcomed in and told to take a seat, facing the mall, so everybody walking past could see me. The two other women casually glanced at me and seemed disinterested, as were the passers by. I absorbed myself in my phone as I waited my turn. The operator cheerfully spoke to me as she threaded my brows and tinted them, and then gave me a list of other services they offer and the prices, and said she hoped I would become a regular customer!

I walked back to my car, and nobody second glanced me or even took much notice at all. I really don't pass, so I just put it down to the apathy of the public, but it really made me more confidant to make the train trip into the city tomorrow for my luncheon, though this time I will be wearing a dress!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on October 29, 2019, 06:40:13 am
Congrats Allie!  It is scary at first, but once you relax a bit it is quite liberating to be out in the wider world.  And you look great.  Your appearance is very feminine.  Good luck on your big trip.  I think you're going to love it.!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 29, 2019, 06:48:43 am
Congrats Allie!  It is scary at first, but once you relax a bit it is quite liberating to be out in the wider world.  And you look great.  Your appearance is very feminine.  Good luck on your big trip.  I think you're going to love it.!

Thanks Randi! It was liberating and for a moment I started the feel I could actually do this a lot more, but my wife wasn't so impressed... There will be lots of photos from tomorrow and almost surely a new avatar pic this week.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on October 29, 2019, 06:57:40 am
Hey Allie,

I wanted to tell you that you're my role model!! I wish I could be as brave as you are. By the way I think you pass a lot better than what you think. At least it looks that way to me in the pictures you've posted. You're leaps and bounds ahead of where I am. Hopefully I'll catch up one day.  :)

Congrats on the new eyebrows!! Unfortunately my hair is so blond that you can't even tell I have eyebrows. I've been trying to learn how to paint them on, and I'm getting much better at it. I mean it looks really cool having them when I get it right. LOL

I said this in another conversation to you, but I'm gonna say it again...I really hope you enjoy yourself on your trip tomorrow!! It sounds like such an adventure to me. I've never been on a train before, but I've always wanted to. To me that sounds like the best part of the trip. I think I'd be like a little kid at Christmas if I were on that train.

I'll talk to ya later. ALL ABOARD!!!

XOXO
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 30, 2019, 02:25:24 am
So, my big day arrived, I was up at 6 am to get everything ready for my 7.30 am pickup. First up, check my weight to find I'd lost 1 1/2 pounds, and had hit my October target of under 175 lbs!  Finished getting ready without rushing and with 15 minutes to spare! My wife took my photo and the girls arrived to pick me up and complimented me on my look.

(https://i.imgur.com/MQ31Ax1.jpg)

 We drove to a station to catch the train, and I had to buy a new travel card. Nobody stared as we waited on the platform and the 70 minute train trip was also without anybody taking notice of me. We got out at Melbourne's biggest station with people everywhere, and still nobody seemed interested in me.

We had to walk a couple of blocks through city streets with lots of people around, then the we got near the venue for our seminar, there was a large climate protest blocking our path. Maybe a couple of thousand people chanting, hundreds of police and TV cameras! We made our way through the crowd and had to pass through a police line where they here checking our reason for entering the venue to stop protesters getting in. Everybody treated me normally.


(https://i.imgur.com/9LbQDYK.jpg)


We sat through an entertaining one hour seminar on transitioning in the workplace, and it was time to go to our large and crowded restaurant for lunch. By now I was feeling quite comfortable being out in public. Lunch was great, great food, great people and conversation. I made a short speech thanking everyone for doing this for me, and trying to convey how important this day was to me. I told them I felt remarkably comfortable with them in this public setting and that this was my first time in a dress in public. I said it wouldn't have happened if they weren't there to support me, and thanked them again. They all said they felt very comfortable with me as myself, and hoped Allie would make more appearances soon. There were hugs all around, and then I had to go to the ladies to fix myself up!

(https://i.imgur.com/vgG4Nf1.jpg)

The walk and train trip home was unremarkable except for the acceptance of the hundreds of people we saw. I sat facing a row of seats on the train and a couple of passengers stole a second look at me and went back to what they were doing. I know I don't pass, but I felt I didn't look so out of the ordinary as to attract attention. My work mates interacted with me as they normally would and I felt so accepted. I asked them if seeing me as a female changed the way they thought about me and they all said it didn't. My one male colleague added that he was really expecting a guy in a dress, and was pleasantly surprised that I looked so good, and he hugged me and said that he wasn't being nice, he really thought I looked good as a woman! 

The day was a complete success. I felt amazingly comfortable in public as a trans woman, even after jumping in at the deep end by going into the crowded city wearing a dress. I owe my colleagues so much for doing this for me, and think I work with the nicest bunch of people on the planet!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on October 30, 2019, 04:17:15 am
Hi Allie,

Girl you look absolutely stunning!! You look just like every other girl out there posting pics of herself...except you look happier than them in my opinion. I'm so glad that you had a great day with your coworkers. I think you have the courage of a lion to do what you did today. I only wish I could be half as brave as you.

Congrats on a successful first outing as yourself.  :)

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 30, 2019, 04:42:33 am
Hi Allie,

Girl you look absolutely stunning!! You look just like every other girl out there posting pics of herself...except you look happier than them in my opinion. I'm so glad that you had a great day with your coworkers. I think you have the courage of a lion to do what you did today. I only wish I could be half as brave as you.

Congrats on a successful first outing as yourself.  :)

xoxo
Lexxi

Lexxi, many thanks for being my No.1 supporter. I have to admit I was worried in the days before my trip, but on the day, I was strangely calm! I just did it, and it all worked amazingly! It was a bit of a challenge to have to pass through a police check point, but they treated me as a normal woman. The foray into the women's toilet was also a challenge, but my friend Bobbie came with me and encouraged me to stay and refresh my makeup even though 3 other women also came in. It all seemed so normal! I know everyone saw me as a trans woman, but they all accepted me, and that is all I could ever ask!

Now Allie has a few morning teas and coffee dates to navigate, but I've agreed with my wife not to go out in our local area unless it's in the car to go to another area. This is to reduce the chance my wife's friends will see me until she is more comfortable.

I was again invited to present as female at work, but declined for now!!

OXOXO

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on October 30, 2019, 10:23:58 am
Congratulations Allie.  Sounds like you had a wonderful outing (ha! "outing" is true on multiple levels I guess  :D).  You look lovely.  IMHO, you should seriously consider your workmates invitation to go to work presenting as female.  That has to happen at some point.  But of course you need to feel comfortable with that.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 30, 2019, 10:36:18 am
Congratulation Allie.  Sounds like you had a wonderful outing (ha! "outing" is true on multiple levels I guess  :D).  You look lovely.  IMHO, you should seriously consider your workmates invitation to go to work presenting as female.  That has to happen at some point.  But of course you need to feel comfortable with that.

Thank you so much Randi! Nice pun, and I am nearly ready to for full time in my head, but my wife isn’t there yet. I am willing to give it some more time and let HRT soften me some more, but now that I have felt the freedom of being out in public, it will make it harder to wait. But she’s worth it! I’m sure more adventures await, and I am so looking forward to it!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Faith on October 30, 2019, 10:57:28 am
Lexxi, many thanks for being my No.1 supporter. I have to admit I was worried in the days before my trip, but on the day, I was strangely calm! I just did it, and it all worked amazingly! It was a bit of a challenge to have to pass through a police check point, but they treated me as a normal woman. The foray into the women's toilet was also a challenge, but my friend Bobbie came with me and encouraged me to stay and refresh my makeup even though 3 other women also came in. It all seemed so normal! I know everyone saw me as a trans woman, but they all accepted me, and that is all I could ever ask!

Now Allie has a few morning teas and coffee dates to navigate, but I've agreed with my wife not to go out in our local area unless it's in the car to go to another area. This is to reduce the chance my wife's friends will see me until she is more comfortable.

I was again invited to present as female at work, but declined for now!!

OXOXO

Allie

Allie, I've followed your foray .. congrats on a successful gathering.

I have to add my 2c about presenting at work. I do understand your why not's. The gals at my work are so supportive and helpful with all kinds of tips. I don't go out much and at home I get comfortable. Work gives me the chance to dress up to ease the pressure of being me. As in, I can get dressed up all girly night-out fancy or jeans and top yet still meet my needs. I'm saying it wrong.

Anyways, I hope you will get to experience that as well .. soon.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on October 30, 2019, 02:08:27 pm
Allie, I've followed your foray .. congrats on a successful gathering.

I have to add my 2c about presenting at work. I do understand your why not's. The gals at my work are so supportive and helpful with all kinds of tips. I don't go out much and at home I get comfortable. Work gives me the chance to dress up to ease the pressure of being me. As in, I can get dressed up all girly night-out fancy or jeans and top yet still meet my needs. I'm saying it wrong.

Anyways, I hope you will get to experience that as well .. soon.

Thank you Faith! The only reason I’m not presenting as female at work is for my wife. I am me all the time I am at home, and now for some forays into the public, so if I work as a female I will be effectively full time. My wife isn’t ready for that. I am. Our work uniforms are unisex (and not at all flattering to females ) so the only change would be to my hair and shoes, well, as I have a long ponytail at work which is more practical, maybe a scrunchie could be added. My breasts are showing under my work polo shirt, but with my wide shoulders as slight gut, people assume they are moobs.

As I wear a bra and panties every day, I am regarded as female at work, and I am wearing the same uniform as the other girls, I actually feel like I am full time already, but those subtle things like shoes and a scrunchie missing make my wife still feel like she has some of her husband still around. I also work with school children of all ages and I’m trying not to be too confusing for them as it can distract from their classes. Without makeup, my face still looks more male than female, so waiting a few more months may give that time to catch up as well.

I know it will all happen, and not too far away so I’m willing to wait a bit more  for the scrunchie and shoes. My wife is worth a bit more time!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 01, 2019, 06:25:50 pm
A couple of days post my going public and I have been struck by how profound the effects of that experience have been. Prior to my day out, I could not see myself as female, and I had no future concept of who I would be. The experience of going among thousands of people with nobody second glancing me, and the many compliments I received about passing, has caused me to finally see myself as female, and I can now see a future as me. Now, when I look into a mirror, I see a woman looking back at me.

This realisation has changed the way I view life. It has made it harder to go back to presenting as male, and I feel way more uncomfortable in that role. I am making future plans for the female me, and now I am sure how I will appear at my son’s wedding in the next year. I feared I would embarrass him and his wife to be, but now I’m confident I won’t. No longer do I fear going into the unknown, but now welcome what lies ahead.

I didn’t imagine how life changing my day out could be. My one male colleague spoke to me yesterday and said he was amazed at my appearance as a female. He told me he never imagined I could be so convincing and natural, and it finally dawned on him that he was now the only male in our team. His comments were unprompted, and very genuine. They reinforced all the feelings I’ve had since my day out.

I could go full time right now, but I still have to consider my wife’s feelings. When I got home from my day out, she said there would be no stopping me now, but she didn’t mean I could go ahead, but that she feared she wouldn’t be able to hold me back. I assured her that I respected her need for more time to get used to me being out in public, and we agreed I wouldn’t present as female in out local area, unless I was driving to a friends house. But I also said the timing for me going full time is shortening. We’ll see how things develop in the next months.

Allie     
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: KathyLauren on November 01, 2019, 06:40:39 pm
Allie, congratulations on getting out as yourself!

My experience on my first day out was very similar.  I could feel how it would be to be out as myself, and I totally accepted myself as that person.  It was profound and liberating, and it only took one day.  I knew after that day that there would be no going back, that I would have to schedule my coming out for the very near future.

I understand that your timeline is partly determined by your wife's needs, but it sounds like you are feeling much as I did.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 01, 2019, 07:20:46 pm
Allie, congratulations on getting out as yourself!

My experience on my first day out was very similar.  I could feel how it would be to be out as myself, and I totally accepted myself as that person.  It was profound and liberating, and it only took one day.  I knew after that day that there would be no going back, that I would have to schedule my coming out for the very near future.

I understand that your timeline is partly determined by your wife's needs, but it sounds like you are feeling much as I did.

Thank you Kathy! I’m ready, and my colleagues once again told me I was welcome to be myself at work, but I don’t want to push my wife too far. She has been growing with this and made good progress lately, but I know she is fragile and I could undo her growth quickly. I said I would hold off for the rest of this year, but I would have more forays out, and would also be having the girls over to our house for morning teas. Frankly, I am amazed I got to this point in just 7 months on HRT! Hopefully she can join a couple of girls get togethers with me and become more comfortable with me in that setting. I know I can’t hold off too much longer!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on November 01, 2019, 07:27:17 pm
Hi Allie! Just catching up with your interesting thread!  I do agree that once we get out and see how natural it can be, its hard to contain ourselves.  But on the other hand, for those of us who are married we do have our spouses to be concerned with.  I purposefully did not proceed any faster than my wife could absorb and its worked out well.  It does seem that yours is accepting Allie more and more.  This is good news.  My wife and I enjoy shopping and going to theater and concerts as two girlfriends.  Its always a grand time and I hope you can get to this moment as well.  As to those photos, you look great.
Cheers, Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 01, 2019, 07:56:36 pm
Hi Allie! Just catching up with your interesting thread!  I do agree that once we get out and see how natural it can be, its hard to contain ourselves.  But on the other hand, for those of us who are married we do have our spouses to be concerned with.  I purposefully did not proceed any faster than my wife could absorb and its worked out well.  It does seem that yours is accepting Allie more and more.  This is good news.  My wife and I enjoy shopping and going to theater and concerts as two girlfriends.  Its always a grand time and I hope you can get to this moment as well.  As to those photos, you look great.
Cheers, Judi

Thank you Judi! She means the world to me and I dream of the day we can go out as girlfriends. This process has been hard on her, but I am giving it my all to keep her. I am hoping that seeing how other people accept me can make it easier for her, so I am going to invite some of the girls over to our house while she is here so she can join us and just enjoy us as a bunch of women. I can wait some for her to get comfortable, but since my first outing I am itching to do it again!

I’m glad you have enjoyed my thread!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 07, 2019, 04:35:06 am
Had a former colleague come to my house for morning tea, and to meet Allie. I opened the front door and she said "Wow, you look amazing!" She hadn't seen me for 4 months! We caught up on our lives over coffee, cookies and dips, and before we knew it it was lunch time. She had only planned stopping by for an hour, but happily stayed for quiche and salad. Three and a half hours after she arrived she said she had to go drop off a computer for repairs, but admitted she really wanted to stay longer. She said she felt so comfortable with my presentation and I was so relaxed she just wanted to keep talking.

She hugged me and said again I looked amazing, and she would be happy to go anywhere with me. She walked out the front door, turned and said we have to do this again soon. I felt really good about this, and an hour later got a text, thanking me for morning tea and lunch, and again that I looked amazing, and we have to do this again soon!"

I will be having some more women over for the same in the next couple of weeks, and this time I plan to have my wife join in. If it goes as well as today, I believe it will help my wife see that she can enjoy me being female with other people. The days of me hiding at home alone are finally gone! The only problem is it did crash my diet for the day...

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on November 07, 2019, 10:08:12 am
This is so neat Allie!  Very affirming too.  Time does seem to fly when we enjoy ourselves.  I agree that seeing you with others will help your wife's opinion of all this. 
All my best to you!
Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 07, 2019, 12:59:44 pm
Thank you Judi! My wife is struggling at the moment. She just looked lost Wednesday night, and when I asked her where she was with my transition, she looked at me with very sad eyes and told me she didn’t think is was going to work out. My public appearance has really taken this past where she can be comfortable, but it’s done, and can’t be undone. The affirmation I’ve received seems to have affected her, and she did comment the she felt I looked ‘genuine’ enough to pass casually.

I guess that while I was confined to being Allie at home she felt she had some control, but now Allie has a life of her own, my wife feels disconnected. I know she is up and down all the time and may be happier tomorrow, so I’ve learned not to take everything she says as her final position. But I know I am causing her great pain, and this is something I never wanted to happen, and makes me feel really bad. What a rollercoaster!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Faith on November 07, 2019, 01:02:10 pm
... What a rollercoaster!

yes, I understand.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on November 07, 2019, 02:56:47 pm
I'm sorry to hear that Allie.  I know how committed you are to your relationship and how much you value it.  As  you say, her comments reflect her feelings at a moment in time and will hopefully change. It is a huge adjustment for someone to have to rethink their relationship so thoroughly.  Stay strong hon. 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 07, 2019, 07:44:11 pm
Thank’s Randi, yes, she is my world, and her rollercoaster is really hurting me as I know she is going through hell because of me. It’s the very reason I put off transition for so long, and goes against my strongest values. I am so frequently wishing I didn’t have to transition and put her through this.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: LizK on November 07, 2019, 11:38:00 pm
Thank you Judi! My wife is struggling at the moment. She just looked lost Wednesday night, and when I asked her where she was with my transition, she looked at me with very sad eyes and told me she didn’t think is was going to work out. My public appearance has really taken this past where she can be comfortable, but it’s done, and can’t be undone. The affirmation I’ve received seems to have affected her, and she did comment the she felt I looked ‘genuine’ enough to pass casually.

I guess that while I was confined to being Allie at home she felt she had some control, but now Allie has a life of her own, my wife feels disconnected. I know she is up and down all the time and may be happier tomorrow, so I’ve learned not to take everything she says as her final position. But I know I am causing her great pain, and this is something I never wanted to happen, and makes me feel really bad. What a rollercoaster!

Allie

Hi Allie

One of the concepts I struggled with for a long time was this idea that I was "doing this" to my wife...and by that I mean my transition. It felt wrong to be the cause of so much of her pain. But my therapist and I talked about this for as long time before I dragged  up the courage to speak to my wife and apologise for the discomfort and pain I was causing her...

So I sat her down and told her I was sorry for what I was doing to her

She looked at me like I was daft..."What you're doing to me?" she said incredulously 

I solemnly looked and her and said "yes"

She then rolled her eye at me and sighed. I immediately felt awful thinking I had yet again stumbled and had firmly jammed both feet in my mouth. What she said to me next flawed me. ( this is the gist of what she said as best I can remember it)

"If this was a whim, or even a choice then yes you would be doing this to me but this is no more you doing this to me than if you had suddenly ended up in a wheelchair" I was a bit confused and she went on to say " You are not doing anything to me, its life, its just he way things sometimes are. For a long time I felt maybe it was my fault that I wasn't the woman you needed in your life, maybe I wasn't feminie enough but in the end I realised that it is just life and you haven't set out to hurt me or make life more difficult for us its just....life" She was right I didn't do anything to her. It still took me a long time to get past this and to change the way I saw it and I eventually mostly got there.

I think transition does bring things for our spouses into the forefront which they also have to work through but I don't believe I am the cause of it, my transition may have been a catalyst for making her consider a number of things. I still sometimes think of it those terms of "doing" something to her but in reality that is not really what is happening. I didn't get a choice as to whether I was trans or not.

Its just.....Life

Hugs

Liz
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 08, 2019, 12:35:31 am
Thank you Liz, you words just shortened my next Psych session. We both realise I'm not doing this to my wife, but I can't escape the fact that if I wasn't trans, she wouldn't be going through this hell. While I don't blame myself for being trans, I do have an overly protective nature for my loved ones, and can't help feeling bad they are suffering because of my condition. My wife knew I was trans before we married 20 years ago, and had considered me transitioning a number of times, but reality did bite hard.  I have told her that I regret she has to go through this because I am trans, and she has said she doesn't blame me, and she is a bit disappointed in the way she is not handling it.

I'm pretty sure my transition is challenging some of her views about herself that she has avoided up to date. I know it's just life, but it still sucks and I still feel pain when she is stressed and sad.

Hugs,
Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on November 08, 2019, 08:06:58 am
Liz's wife's words are so true.  You are not doing this to your wife Allie.  Think, if you were not transgender your life would have taken a different track and you most likely would never have met your wife.  Life has a way of taking us where it wants us to go. 
Hugs, Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: ParkerTalks on November 08, 2019, 11:21:29 am
Are you doing marriage counseling yet? I think you could really benefit from it.

I'm firmly of the belief that if you're both committed to the relationship and love each other, you can make it through transitioning still together at the end.


(Personally, I don't date straight people who are only attracted to my assigned gender, to avoid this issue)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 08, 2019, 11:56:55 am
Thanks Judi, and your right, her attraction to me was very much because of my feminine side, she wanted a wife, and still does. But this also brings a question of how she sees herself, and her sexuality. She is not a girly girl by any means, and she calls herself a tomboy. She has been sensitive about her facial hair and big hands, and I believe my transition has her questioning her self identity. We are a perfect fit, we so much complete each other. I fill in the feminine elements she lacks, and visa versa. She hates dressing nicely, to the point we got married in jeans and polo tops (which was so hard for me), and she won’t go to other dressy occasions. This has been for the entire 35 years we have been together. I have been Allie at home for 20 years, but HRT has been that step too far for her. 

I know I don’t have a choice, and so does she, but it still causes me great pain to see her going through hell over this. My instinct is to protect her from pain, but effectively the opposite is happening. Everything else in my transition has been a dream, so I guess fate has lumped my challenges in on place. I am giving it my best shot, and if it doesn’t work I won’t feel like I didn’t do everything I could, but the process is painful, and I will never find another person who completes me as much.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 08, 2019, 12:09:00 pm
Are you doing marriage counseling yet? I think you could really benefit from it.

I'm firmly of the belief that if you're both committed to the relationship and love each other, you can make it through transitioning still together at the end.


(Personally, I don't date straight people who are only attracted to my assigned gender, to avoid this issue)

Parker, up until recently, she has refused to talk to anybody. I’ve begged her to open up to someone, or go with me to see my psychologist, but she refused. In the past couple of weeks, she has spoken to a couple who are close friends, and also to a friend at her work, but she won’t open up to them. She has agreed to sit in for the last half of my psych session next week, but has insisted she won’t say anything. This is mostly because she believes the psych will find fault with her, and she doesn’t take criticism well. But at least she is coming. I’m hoping she will click with my psych and consider seeing her, but this could open another can of worms for us.

Next week will be a step forward, let’s just see where it goes.....

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on November 08, 2019, 12:16:41 pm
Hopefully she will learn something by sitting in the meeting and who knows she might find something to say.  I think (hope) she will see your counselor as non-partisan and only wanting to help you help yourself.
Judi 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 08, 2019, 12:37:02 pm
Hopefully she will learn something by sitting in the meeting and who knows she might find something to say.  I think (hope) she will see your counselor as non-partisan and only wanting to help you help yourself.
Judi

Judi, my psych is an older european woman with a no nonsense attitude which I think my wife will like. I am scripting the session so the focus won’t be on my wife in the last half, but will give her reason to comment. I really don’t think my wife can find her peace while I am there, so this first session is for my wife to become comfortable and willing to see my psych by herself. I will be coaching the psych not to ‘ be on my side ‘ as this is an issue for my wife. So I don’t expect any answers, just want to open another door! Thank you for your thoughts, it means so much to me that I’m not struggling through this on my own!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: ParkerTalks on November 08, 2019, 01:00:19 pm
Thanks Judi, and your right, her attraction to me was very much because of my feminine side, she wanted a wife, and still does. But this also brings a question of how she sees herself, and her sexuality. She is not a girly girl by any means, and she calls herself a tomboy. She has been sensitive about her facial hair and big hands, and I believe my transition has her questioning her self identity. We are a perfect fit, we so much complete each other. I fill in the feminine elements she lacks, and visa versa. She hates dressing nicely, to the point we got married in jeans and polo tops (which was so hard for me), and she won’t go to other dressy occasions. This has been for the entire 35 years we have been together. I have been Allie at home for 20 years, but HRT has been that step too far for her. 

I know I don’t have a choice, and so does she, but it still causes me great pain to see her going through hell over this. My instinct is to protect her from pain, but effectively the opposite is happening. Everything else in my transition has been a dream, so I guess fate has lumped my challenges in on place. I am giving it my best shot, and if it doesn’t work I won’t feel like I didn’t do everything I could, but the process is painful, and I will never find another person who completes me as much.

Allie

Hmmmmmmmm

I do not know her of course, but... have you considered that she herself could be trans in some way and deeply closeted/repressed? Now that you say that about her and given the way she's reacted to your transition, it rings bells in my head.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on November 08, 2019, 01:08:37 pm
...it means so much to me that I’m not struggling through this on my own!

You are certainly not alone dear! 

As I recall you are my age so in addition to the gender transition we are also looking at transitioning to the next part of our life.  Its hard, especially when lumped all together.  But we didn't get this far on shear force alone.  There is a fair amount of intelligence, thoughtfulness and ambition involved.  Keep your head up and stay focused.  My wife and I went through a fairly rough patch but we came out ahead in many ways.  I pray you will as well.  Hugs!   
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 08, 2019, 03:36:22 pm
Hmmmmmmmm

I do not know her of course, but... have you considered that she herself could be trans in some way and deeply closeted/repressed? Now that you say that about her and given the way she's reacted to your transition, it rings bells in my head.


Parker, I suppose I have ben analysing myself and her for for over 30 years, and I’m pretty sure she’s not trans, but she definitely has issues with her identity. She has male traits, and that makes her question her gender, though I don’t think she needs to change gender. She wants to identify as female, but she can’t. She looks at other women who are feminine, maternal, and domestic, and knows she is not, causing her to wonder where she fits in. She is not open to criticism, and quickly lashes back, showing she is very insecure.

Then the person who fills that role to make her publicly look like a wife starts to transition. She is going to lose her husband, and worse, he is now going to be more feminine, maternal, and domestic than her. This turns her insecurity over her identity into a full blown crisis. I so feel for her, and, I so love her for what she is now. Many of us go through life not fitting the identity bestowed on us, and being insecure. I certainly know that feeling, so I can empathise for how she is feeling. The frustrating part is that I feel I might know what is wrong, but I am not the person who can help her accept who she is.

Hopefully, I can brief my psychologist and my wife can trust her after the next session. But I also wonder if learning who she is might change her, and our relationship? I know she isn’t happy now and we need to do something.

Thank you for your thoughts,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 08, 2019, 04:14:54 pm
You are certainly not alone dear! 

As I recall you are my age so in addition to the gender transition we are also looking at transitioning to the next part of our life.  Its hard, especially when lumped all together.  But we didn't get this far on shear force alone.  There is a fair amount of intelligence, thoughtfulness and ambition involved.  Keep your head up and stay focused.  My wife and I went through a fairly rough patch but we came out ahead in many ways.  I pray you will as well.  Hugs!

Judi, my wife is 10 years younger than me, but she is entering what she hopes will be those golden years. I know my transition wasn’t part of her plan (nor mine!). There are tears, but I am focused, and committed to getting us through this so we can come out ahead, and enjoy our senior years. You give me the example to aim for, thank you!

Hugs,
Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 08, 2019, 05:53:53 pm
Inspiring, and touching.  I too have some similarities. My wife is 10 years older than I, and she was diagnosed with Parkinson's a few years back. Today it is a challenge just to get her up and moving, specially if her medication is off, or we go through episodes of side effects.  My GCS is scheduled in January 2020, though my wife said she wished she could be the caregiver when I get home, I told her she is not in a place to provide the care I'll need.  Plus, I know I will be concerned with her falling, or getting hurt while I am laid up recovering.  I'm looking into options or organizations that can provide the care while I am recovering.  This journey may be slightly different from others, however I share the feeling, and connection that I need to be on the journey to who I am, it's in my Heart and Soul.

Katie76

Katie, your story is inspiring and touching, and yes, we all have slightly different journeys, but share so much. I hope you can find a carer to help you both next January, and your surgery and recovery are smooth and quick. I hope my wife is there for me after my GCS, hopefully in 2021.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: ParkerTalks on November 08, 2019, 07:42:15 pm

Parker, I suppose I have ben analysing myself and her for for over 30 years, and I’m pretty sure she’s not trans, but she definitely has issues with her identity. She has male traits, and that makes her question her gender, though I don’t think she needs to change gender. She wants to identify as female, but she can’t. She looks at other women who are feminine, maternal, and domestic, and knows she is not, causing her to wonder where she fits in. She is not open to criticism, and quickly lashes back, showing she is very insecure.

Then the person who fills that role to make her publicly look like a wife starts to transition. She is going to lose her husband, and worse, he is now going to be more feminine, maternal, and domestic than her. This turns her insecurity over her identity into a full blown crisis. I so feel for her, and, I so love her for what she is now. Many of us go through life not fitting the identity bestowed on us, and being insecure. I certainly know that feeling, so I can empathise for how she is feeling. The frustrating part is that I feel I might know what is wrong, but I am not the person who can help her accept who she is.

Hopefully, I can brief my psychologist and my wife can trust her after the next session. But I also wonder if learning who she is might change her, and our relationship? I know she isn’t happy now and we need to do something.

Thank you for your thoughts,

Allie

Oh dear that just makes me side-eye it even more!  :laugh:  From my most non-professional nonbinary person opinion, she sounds like a confused and un-out to themselves nonbinary person. If nothing else, perhaps GNC. You should definitely try to get her into those meetings with your gender therapist. Sounds like she could benefit a lot from it.

(And remember, birds of feather flock together. It's not that uncommon for one partner to come out as trans and trigger the other realizing they are too!)

-Parker
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 16, 2019, 02:56:23 am
Back for more electrolysis this week. Laser last session pretty much eliminated the darker hairs, and my beard shadow, but there simply weren't as many dark hairs as we were hoping. So I'm on the long trek with electrolysis. The good news is that I am coping quite well, and healing very fast, meaning I can increase the frequency of sessions. I have 3 more sessions before Christmas, and she is hoping to clear my chin and jawline.
 
Still struggling with my wife, stuck in no man's land between can't stay and can't leave. She believes she will never make a decision, but I am determined to see her happy again, no matter what it takes (short of ceasing transition which would put me as risk again).

I have my big reveal to the 50 or so people at my worksite coming up on the 9th December. All personnel on site have to attend a 3 hour training session on LBGTQI+ issues in which I will be introduced and have 20 minutes to tell my story, then answer questions. I only know about 15 of them so it will be a little daunting, but my job is to present to such crowds so I think I will get through this.

My Gender and Diversity Inclusion Manager (I still struggle that we have such a position) has given me forms for change of name and date of commencing preferred gender presentation at work, with the expectation that these start within a couple of weeks of the training session. I have already committed to keep presenting as male for the rest of this year, and I'm not comfortable nominating a date just yet. It's not just me I need to consider, but the effect on my wife of me leaving home every work day as a woman. It may help her to get used to the idea, but it could also push her over the edge. My gut feel for going full time is March at this stage, but it will depend on a lot of things.

I haven't been outside my house as a woman since my trip to the city just over 2 weeks ago. This is to ease the concerns of my wife that I had gone full time, and I just haven't had an excuse again. I am really wanting to do it again, as it felt so good!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on November 16, 2019, 10:49:05 am
Allie,

I too am destined for many hours on the table fighting the white hairs.  Keep plugging and the day will come. 

I am sorry that your wife is struggling so.  By all means, treat her with respect, love and kindness, but do not neglect Allie for her sake.  Do what you need to do to thrive.  At the end of the day, she has to do the hard internal work to move past the transphobia she carries around.  You can't do it for her, no matter how nicely you treat her. (Geeze -- all this good advice I give.  Why can't I follow any of it myself!)  Good luck with coming out at work. I bet you will be received wonderfully.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Linde on November 16, 2019, 11:51:32 am

Still struggling with my wife, stuck in no man's land between can't stay and can't leave. She believes she will never make a decision, but I am determined to see her happy again, no matter what it takes (short of ceasing transition which would put me as risk again).

The last three years of our marriage was pure hell for my wife (and partially for me, too) I was so angry and hateful, My entire time at home was filled with yelling and accusing her of everything bad in the world (we did not know what was going on with me, we know now).  She finally left me.
Today we are friends, and she told me she could not have stayed with me anyway, because of not being a lesbian.  She is happy again with a very fine man (when I am up north, we do some stuff together, and I like the man a lot).  I am happy about this, and that helps me to be a happy woman!

Sometimes it needs drastic actions to make both sides happy again!

I hope you will find a solution that allows both of you to be happy again!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Linde on November 16, 2019, 02:38:13 pm
, however I too am afraid of being alone.

Katie76
Katie, being alone was the biggest problem for me.  I am alone for about 16 years now, on gets used to it, but still don't like it.
Early on I did not want another relation because it was for me like cheating on my wife, who I still love.  After awhile I  became asexual, and being alone was OK.  Lately it feels bad again, and it is hard for an older, lesbian woman, to find a partner.  I got involved in the local LGBTQ organisation and during a recend social event I met a person who I like a lot.  I have to see how it will develop.  I gave up on my dating skills in the early 70's, now I have to try to remember them!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 16, 2019, 02:40:24 pm
The last three years of our marriage was pure hell for my wife (and partially for me, too) I was so angry and hateful, My entire time at home was filled with yelling and accusing her of everything bad in the world (we did not know what was going on with me, we know now).  She finally left me.
Today we are friends, and she told me she could not have stayed with me anyway, because of not being a lesbian.  She is happy again with a very fine man (when I am up north, we do some stuff together, and I like the man a lot).  I am happy about this, and that helps me to be a happy woman!

Sometimes it needs drastic actions to make both sides happy again!

I hope you will find a solution that allows both of you to be happy again!

Linde, I am nothing but supportive and loving to my wife. I never raise my voice, and constantly try to find ways to make her happy. In those times where we aren’t thinking of my transition, and I am surprised how much time we do dwell on it, we get on amazingly well as we always have. We have decided to divorce, but will wait until after our 20th anniversary next March, and it also happens to be my birthday. A public divorce will help her with her issue of bing married to a woman, and being seen as a lesbian. We don’t have a sex life anyway, but she is deeply worried about public perceptions. We will continue our living arrangements as they are and hopefully remain best friends.

Shortly after our divorce goes through, I plan to go full time. There will be no point in holding it off any longer. The divorce may or may not make her happy, we’ll have to see. Maybe by the end of next year life will be normal gain and we can just enjoy each other’s company. I do wish none of this had to happen and we could have continued our idyllic life from previous years, but life brings us challenges we must overcome. I am brought back to earth as my younger brother, who has recently survived stage 4 Lymphoma, told me they have found another shadow in his hip bone. I’m not going to complain about electrolysis or GCS as he faces another battle with surgery and chemotherapy, and that thought, ‘is this it?”

Hugs

Allie 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 16, 2019, 02:56:10 pm
Allie,

I too am destined for many hours on the table fighting the white hairs.  Keep plugging and the day will come. 

I am sorry that your wife is struggling so.  By all means, treat her with respect, love and kindness, but do not neglect Allie for her sake.  Do what you need to do to thrive.  At the end of the day, she has to do the hard internal work to move past the transphobia she carries around.  You can't do it for her, no matter how nicely you treat her. (Geeze -- all this good advice I give.  Why can't I follow any of it myself!)  Good luck with coming out at work. I bet you will be received wonderfully.

Thanks Randi! I have to say, many of my own strategies to get through this evolve as I give advice to others on this forum. Putting thoughts into words seems to make them more real and I can incorporate them better in my own life. Your words about the ‘Transphobia she carries around’ have just put clarity to her situation, and has given me another perspective  to ponder. Thank you! Yes electrolysis is a journey within a journey, and I hope she can clear my chin before Christmas as it will give me encouragement. My wife has finally moved her stuff out of my wardrobe, giving me plenty of space for my clothes. Ironically, I’ve just bagged 35 items which are now too big and will go to goodwill, so I have a lot of space for new clothes! I really hope 2020 brings us all a less stressful year!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 16, 2019, 03:11:17 pm
Hi Allie,

Both Randim and Linde responded with just the stuff I need to hear, though having rational thoughts here are easier until I am in the thick of an argument.  I too have many more hours to go "on the table," as I have work on my face (temporarily stopped because of my FFS recovery), and genital area for prep to my upcoming GCS next January. (And yes, I too have many white hairs, hey after all we earned those white hairs...).

Though my wife said at the start she supported my transition, there are behaviors, and reactions from her that don't back it up.  Sexual relations, and not wanting to be married in a lesbian relationship are a couple of examples.  There are episodes where I am angry, and put my wife through the ringer as Linde stated at a previous post, and also restated on this topic.  Sometimes I think my wife and I are better off separately, however I too am afraid of being alone.  We have so much invested with each other.

I think having a Gender and Inclusion Manager is a good sign that a organization is at least taking steps to have a positive policy for those that transition in a safe workplace.

Katie76

Katie, I get so much from reading posts on this forum. They give me the other perspectives I need to balance my ideas. Like those white hairs were earned, what a good way to look at it! I noticed many of my genital hairs are ‘well earned’ and will need electrolysis, but for me I have until 2021 to get rid of them. Next year will be my serious research for GCS so I will follow your progress with much interest! I fear being alone and my wife has the same fears. It seems crazy to me that two people who love each other and have gotten on so well for so many years would need to seperate over a phobia. There has to be a way around these phobias!

Good luck on your FFS recovery and GCS prep and let’s look at 2020 as being our year!

Hugs,

Allie 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on November 16, 2019, 05:17:39 pm
Hi Allie,

I'm so sorry that you and your wife have decided to divorce, but I can understand why she wants to do that. Some people are terrified of other people thinking they're gay. So hopefully the divorce will give her the piece of mind knowing that others won't see her as a lesbian, and that nothing will really change after that.

I'm also very sorry to hear about your brother. Hopefully he'll be alright and the shadow on his hip turns out to be nothing.

Now on to the good stuff. I just know that you're going to do a fine job coming out to your coworkers on the 9th. You're used to talking to groups of people, so this will be just another instance of doing that. No need to be nervous about it. You'll do great girl!!

You say that you haven't been out of the house as the real you since your trip to the big city. Well if you really think about it, you actually leave your house every day as the real you. You've always been a woman, even if you're wearing male-like clothes, so try to get in the mindset that no matter what you're wearing you're always female. There's an old saying that says, the clothes don't make the person, and that's a good thing for you to keep in mind.

Congrats on your electrolysis appointments. That went quicker than I thought it was going to go. Have you noticed that since you started hormones you've lost some of your body hair or that your facial hair growth has slowed down? I realized that last week. Before I started HRT I had to shave my chest at least once a week. Now I just have to spot shave a few areas once every 3 weeks or so. My facial hair growth has even slowed down a LOT, and I haven't had laser or electrolysis performed on me.

Now to be completely forthright I was never a very hairy person to begin with. I never could grow a beard or even a decent mustache. I never had what would be called a hairy chest, arms or even legs either. My body hair was just very sparse. But it's even better now!! That has to be because of the hormones.

Something just came to mind while I was thinking about the things you said. You have a Gender and Diversity Inclusion manager at your work. Do you see yourself ever working in that division? From what I know about you, I think you'd be the perfect person to do a job like that. Like if that manager ever leaves, maybe you could step into the job. I mean who would be better and more knowledgeable about these issues than you? That's just a thought.

I'm very glad to hear about all the good things going on with you, and sorry to hear about the bad. But you just keep being the good person you've always been and you'll come soaring out into life as the real you.

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 16, 2019, 06:48:11 pm
Thanks Katie and Lexxi! I'm actually looking forward to coming out to my work site, but I am trying to have the presentations shortened a bit as I already feel guilty about taking them away from there work for 3 hours, and it means cutting into their lunch break.

You're right Lexxi, I do sort of go out as myself, as even in male attire, I don't do much to hide my female features. Also, putting a bra on every morning because I need to also makes me feel feel like a woman, no matter my outer wear. I admit I am having a little fun confusing people and I have thought of getting my ears pierced after the 9th, and I think that will really confuse people. There is no issue getting electrolysis appointments, if you pay they will electrocute you, but it is good to get them more often. I have noticed a slowing of hair growth since HRT, and most notably since I shaved all my body hair (arms and legs) and it takes a long while to grow back. It's been three weeks and I'm just starting to notice hairs now.

Lexxi, I feel I could be an inclusion manager, but I wouldn't leave the amazing job and colleagues I have now. I could not be happier than my current job and it is just over half a mile from my home! Today is Sunday and I went into work for an hour so a new fish tank could be installed by contractors. While they were working, my manager and I spoke about next year and I officially put a date on me going full time.

In the discussion with my wife about divorce, I also talked about that seeming to be the appropriate time for me going full time and asked her if she had any significant issues with it. She said she would never like it, but it seemed to make sense. So in 5 months I will officially drop my male identity and finally become me full time. A month later I will change my birth certificate and all of my other ID's. I am planning my surgeries for early 2021. It is disappointing that we will divorce, but it has made it possible to put my transition timeline into a real plan.

In the meantime my thoughts are with my brother...

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on November 16, 2019, 08:20:18 pm
Allie I m sorry to read of your personal life issue and also that of your brother.  Hopefully in the ensuing months before your divorce you and your wife can come to some sort of understanding that will make life a little more pleasant for both of you.  As to your brother I know you'll be there for him.  Hugs, Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 16, 2019, 08:39:43 pm
Allie I m sorry to read of your personal life issue and also that of your brother.  Hopefully in the ensuing months before your divorce you and your wife can come to some sort of understanding that will make life a little more pleasant for both of you.  As to your brother I know you'll be there for him.  Hugs, Judi

Thanks Judi, I don't see our divorce as a really bad thing. It is just a piece of paper. We were best friends before getting married, and I haven't been able to perform my husbandly duties for over a decade. Neither of us miss it (shows how talented I wasn't!), and we each have our own bedrooms. Really, nothing will change. This seems to have already perked her up a bit, and helps keeping her around. Hopefully in a year or two, our lives will return to normal, we've just got to get through this transition period. It can take up to 4 months for divorce papers to go through so we will be lodging the paperwork before Xmas.

My brother knows I will be there for him, but we are praying it is not serious.

Hugs,

Allie

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on November 16, 2019, 10:29:42 pm
Allie,

I am so sorry to hear this news.  I know your living arrangements are not changing, but this still has to be a psychological blow.  But perhaps as a friend and not a spouse, she will become more accepting of Allie. I hope so. Sending a big hug your way girl.  You can handle this.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 21, 2019, 03:12:13 am
Allie,

I am so sorry to hear this news.  I know your living arrangements are not changing, but this still has to be a psychological blow.  But perhaps as a friend and not a spouse, she will become more accepting of Allie. I hope so. Sending a big hug your way girl.  You can handle this.

Those hugs mean so much Randi! I was down for a couple of days, but my wife has perked up significantly, and that has cheered me up as well. She has been busy telling a number of people about our situation, something she simply refused to do before. We only have one more neighbour to talk to and I will be out to my neighbourhood.

She came to my therapy session last Tuesday, but refused to say anything, even when my psychologist prompted her. She found it beneficial to see the process I go through, and now I think my therapist has a better idea of my challenges, so overall it was worth it.

I spoke to my gender inclusion manager and negotiated a slightly better deal for the poor souls who have to endure 3.5 hours of training because of me. They are going to supply lunch for the whole site (50+ people), and I will tell my story early in the presentation. I have 1/2 hour allocated to me to outline my journey and to take questions. Then I will be out to everyone!! I am still pretty impressed at what they are doing to facilitate my transition at work! 

We have a friend coming to stay with us this weekend, and my wife rang her today to tell her I was transitioning so I could be myself at home. Our friend has 2 other friends who have transitioned so not only is she ok with it, but has a good deal of information. I am looking forward to sitting down with her for a chat as Allie.

My next endo appointment is next Wednesday and I am nervous about blood results. I don't feel I have had much change in the past 2 months, though my breasts have been more painful. And that evening I have another electrology session. This transitioning certainly takes up a lot of my life!

My thoughts are with you Randi, as you are having a much tougher time than me. I've had to take a step back to go forward, but I know it's not that simple for you, and I so wish for you to find some happiness soon.

Lots of big hugs back from me,

Allie     
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on November 21, 2019, 08:54:38 am
Three-and-a-half hours?  Wow.  They must have some serious powerpoint decks. I'm glad to hear that you're on the upswing and it sure sounds like Allie is blooming.  I can only imagine walking in the sunshine like that, though I realize there's a lot of shade on the trail as well.  So happy for you girl!  Me?  Still toiling away on the lemonade stand. Tiresome work at times.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 21, 2019, 02:27:00 pm
Three-and-a-half hours?  Wow.  They must have some serious powerpoint decks. I'm glad to hear that you're on the upswing and it sure sounds like Allie is blooming.  I can only imagine walking in the sunshine like that, though I realize there's a lot of shade on the trail as well.  So happy for you girl!  Me?  Still toiling away on the lemonade stand. Tiresome work at times.

Thanks Randi, you will get off the lemonade stand and walk in the sunshine sooner than you think! I know I’ve had challenges, but I do feel lucky getting to this point in just 8 months of HRT. But my journey has been for my entire life. I’ve been Allie confined to home for 20 years, hiding behind closed drapes, and unable to have any music playing when I was alone as I couldn’t answer a door bell. I knew if I was discovered my wife couldn’t bear the embarrassment and would leave me. At least I got to be me, even if it was obviously barely tolerated by my wife. The constant ‘what if someone sees you? I’d be so embarrassed’ wore down my self esteem. I felt like I was in prison, and 20 years is a long sentence.

But I am out now, taking my first tentative steps into the world after 65 years! I don’t have to hide as everybody I know, knows about me! I did promise my family and work colleagues I would present as male for the rest of this year, but I can go shopping, to the salon, my therapist and endo appointments, visiting girl friends, and I can now even put out the bins and get the mail out of my mail box as me!  I can hardly believe it!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on November 22, 2019, 10:41:44 am
But my journey has been for my entire life. I’ve been Allie confined to home for 20 years, hiding behind closed drapes, and unable to have any music playing when I was alone as I couldn’t answer a door bell. I knew if I was discovered my wife couldn’t bear the embarrassment and would leave me. At least I got to be me, even if it was obviously barely tolerated by my wife. The constant ‘what if someone sees you? I’d be so embarrassed’ wore down my self esteem. I felt like I was in prison, and 20 years is a long sentence.

Allie, I understand and feel every word, every letter of that.  Being under house arrest is just being in a deluxe closet.  I'm so happy you are stepping out into the world.  You deserve to live free.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 22, 2019, 12:56:24 pm
Allie, I understand and feel every word, every letter of that.  Being under house arrest is just being in a deluxe closet.  I'm so happy you are stepping out into the world.  You deserve to live free.

Again, thank you Randi! She has a friend coming to stay with us this weekend, and rang her to tell her I was transitioning, so expect to see me as Allie! This is such a huge change in her, all because we agreed to divorce! I’m hoping this new exposure will help to make her more comfortable with the new me, but, I really can’t predict anything any more.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 22, 2019, 02:37:42 pm
I too know what it is like to be under "house arrest." I recall many a time I would peek through closed blinds when the door bell rang, or I when I heard a knock at the door I would freeze with fear, and pretend I wasn't home. I am glad you are beginning to get the peace you so deserve.

My heart goes out to you.
Katie76

Thanks Katie, I suppose on this site, most people would have experienced ‘house arrest’. I hated it, but it was the only way I could get to be me. Being able to venture out is so liberating, and I almost feel like a human.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: KathyLauren on November 22, 2019, 05:04:08 pm
I too know what it is like to be under "house arrest." I recall many a time I would peek through closed blinds when the door bell rang, or I when I heard a knock at the door I would freeze with fear, and pretend I wasn't home. I am glad you are beginning to get the peace you so deserve.

My heart goes out to you.
Katie76

OMG, that sounds so familiar!  Yep, been there, done that.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 09, 2019, 02:23:46 am
OK, so I made it through my coming out speech to the 50 people who work at my site, though I did break down when relating how seriously ill dysphoria had made me. It must have been effective though as I had half the room crying with me, and our inclusion manager said it was the most powerful coming out speech she had ever heard. She wants me to do it again at other venues, but we settled on filming it instead. So I have to do it again for the camera! As expected, everybody was supportive and I was so relieved to get it done. Now there is nobody left to tell.

I have now spoken to 150 family, colleagues, friends, club members and neighbours, and not one negative reaction. I credit a lot of this to explaining about how transgender is caused by hormones affecting my brain in utero, and only a serious illness forced me to finally transition. I think a lot of negative reactions start with thinking people want to be transgender. Also, telling these people while I am still presenting as male makes them part of my transition.

I am ringing to book a consultation with a GCS surgeon tomorrow, then another round of electrolysis Wednesday, so plenty happening. My wife seems to be a little happier now our divorce application is proceeding. Had my grand kids come to visit me this weekend, but I had to stay away from them as I had gastroenteritis! Oh well, I’ll see them again soon!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on December 09, 2019, 02:11:12 pm
I'm sorry you couldn't interact with your grandkids.  I hope you feel better soon. 

I don't know if I could have stood up in front of 50 people and told my story.  More power to you girl!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 09, 2019, 03:38:53 pm
I'm sorry you couldn't interact with your grandkids.  I hope you feel better soon. 

I don't know if I could have stood up in front of 50 people and told my story.  More power to you girl!

Thank you Judi! The gastro was fine by the morning, but I was missing my grandkids. My wife noted that no matter how down I get, those 3 little boys can turn me around almost immediately. I have been exposing them to more of Poppy Allie, they come into my bed at 6 am for cuddles and tickles, and are now used to me in female pj's. I have a number of pictures of me as Allie come up on my computer, and they point at them and say 'Poppy'. My 5 year old asked me why I look like a girl, and I simply told him that I really am a girl. He just accepted that and we went on to the next game.

I did have some practice presenting to a group of 35 a couple of months ago at my scuba club, but the timing wasn't so good as yesterday morning I applied new hormone patches, so by the start of my presentation, my oestrogen would have been peaking! Oh well, everyone said it was amazing and last night I got a few congratulatory texts, with people saying they were so glad they were there to experience such an emotional time with me. I am so lucky with the quality of people around me, including those on this forum.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on December 09, 2019, 04:46:16 pm
Congratulations Allie!  :icon_clap: I could not speak to a group of people like that.  You go girl!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 09, 2019, 04:51:47 pm
Congratulations Allie!  :icon_clap: I could not speak to a group of people like that.  You go girl!

Thank you Randi, and they want me to travel all over the place and make that presentation over and over! It was amazing and so emotionally draining, I don't think I could do it repeatedly. They have suggested we film the presentation so it can be shown at other training sessions. I might do that.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on December 09, 2019, 05:38:57 pm
Hi Allie,

Congratulations girl you did it!! I know how nervous you were to get up in front of all those people...but it sounds like you did it like a champ. I'm so proud of you!! You're company is lucky to have an employee like you.

I think you're going to do a great job when you film your speech. Just keep in mind that you're doing a great service for your company and you'll nail that performance too.

So sorry to hear that you were sick when you had your grandbabies there. I think you gave your grandson an awesome answer when you said "I really am a girl." You could not have given him a more perfect answer in that situation. Kids are so accepting of change. I mean change really doesn't bother them a whole lot at all. Plus they're so young they probably won't even remember that you used to pretend to be a guy for a while. They'll just always know you as the beautiful woman that you are.

I'm glad that your soon to be ex wife seems a bit happier. I know that's probably a load off your shoulders.

I'll talk to ya soon,

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 09, 2019, 06:01:38 pm
Hi Allie,

Congratulations girl you did it!! I know how nervous you were to get up in front of all those people...but it sounds like you did it like a champ. I'm so proud of you!! You're company is lucky to have an employee like you.

I think you're going to do a great job when you film your speech. Just keep in mind that you're doing a great service for your company and you'll nail that performance too.

So sorry to hear that you were sick when you had your grandbabies there. I think you gave your grandson an awesome answer when you said "I really am a girl." You could not have given him a more perfect answer in that situation. Kids are so accepting of change. I mean change really doesn't bother them a whole lot at all. Plus they're so young they probably won't even remember that you used to pretend to be a guy for a while. They'll just always know you as the beautiful woman that you are.

I'm glad that your soon to be ex wife seems a bit happier. I know that's probably a load off your shoulders.

I'll talk to ya soon,

xoxo
Lexxi

Lexxi! Thank you for your comments and lovely thoughts!

I just got off the phone from booking a consultation next May 5th with a surgeon for my GCS, and making a tentative date of February 2021 for the op! I am spending the rest of the day haggling with insurance companies over the best deal. How is that for progress!!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Sarah-Red on December 09, 2019, 06:35:35 pm
Wow Allie! That's awesome! Way to make a step :D

And I really like that you were able to move people with your speech, like a lot. I'm glad you were able to do that, and your emotions helped a little, even if it's also there because of pain you've felt. I'm proud of you  :-*
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 09, 2019, 07:19:30 pm
Wow Allie! That's awesome! Way to make a step :D

And I really like that you were able to move people with your speech, like a lot. I'm glad you were able to do that, and your emotions helped a little, even if it's also there because of pain you've felt. I'm proud of you  :-*

Thank you Sarah! it wasn't my plan to get emotional, but it certainly captured my audience!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 10, 2019, 06:16:00 am
I just started making casual enquiries about GRS with our local surgeon Dr Andrew Ives, and before I knew it I had a consultation date next May 5th and a tentative surgery date January 2021! I didn't have insurance, so today I had to shop around and commit a couple of thousand dollars to ensure my 12 month qualifying period finished before Jan 2021. I also contacted my psychologist to let her know I would be needing a letter and a referral to a Psychiatrist to get my second letter. This is really happening.

It all started at a meeting yesterday with our HR manager, and Inclusion manager, and they wanted to know if I planned time off for surgeries. I casually told them early 2021, and I would need 2 months, and the next thing they are telling me I had enough sick leave to cover that time and they would make a note in next years diary to get me backfilled. I got home and felt I had made a sort of semi commitment, and I had no idea if it was actually feasible, so I rang the surgeon's office today and ended up with so much information and a consultation date!

I was surprised as my actual out of pocket expenses would be around half what I had expected, and getting insurance at 65 was easier than I expected. It is just sinking in that I will be full time at just 12 months HRT, and fully me at 22 months! When I started HRT, I really thought it would take a couple of years before full time and maybe 4 or 5 years to GRS!

It is something I always knew I must do, as my genitals are a dysphoria trigger, plus they have been dormant for so long (I've had hypogonadism for over a decade) I have an advanced phimosis ( where my foreskin has shrunk so much there is only a tiny hole there, just enough to let the urine out ). The doctors want to circumcise, but I told them the only scalpel I will let near it will be for GRS. There is a little urgency as with phimosis, infections of the glans is very likely, and it can damage tissue that is needed for GRS. I have escaped that so far, and only need to get through another year and the problem will be gone! I think I am more excited about this than going full time!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on December 10, 2019, 11:28:33 am
Lexxi! Thank you for your comments and lovely thoughts!

I just got off the phone from booking a consultation next May 5th with a surgeon for my GCS, and making a tentative date of February 2021 for the op! I am spending the rest of the day haggling with insurance companies over the best deal. How is that for progress!!

Hugs,

Allie

Wow Allie things are moving at light speed for you. I'm extremely for you!! How come you have to have insurance though? I thought you all had the insurance for all type program in Australia. Does it just cover some things but not others? Either way having way too much insurance is a lot better than not having any at all like so many people here have to deal with. I'm just glad that you're going to be covered!

I think it's thrilling that you have your consultation appointment all set up. Sadly I have to wait until next July before I can do anything like that. But I'm going to use that time wisely and find out which surgeons take my insurance. I already have a tentative plan put together about what I need to do and when. So I'm happy about that at least.

I think it's awesome that you work for such a caring company. You're not only a good asset to them, but they're a good asset for you too. What a pairing!!

Good luck getting the letters you need for surgery. I'm quite certain you won't have any problems getting what you need.

I'll talk to ya later,

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Linde on December 10, 2019, 11:53:17 am

I think it's thrilling that you have your consultation appointment all set up. Sadly I have to wait until next July before I can do anything like that. But I'm going to use that time wisely and find out which surgeons take my insurance. I already have a tentative plan put together about what I need to do and when.
Lexxi
Why do you have o wait for a consultation until next june?  You don't need the yer on HRT for the consultation, you can do that anytime and have your ducks in a row already when the year is over!  You should start to work on getting your two letters, and set up a consultation with one or two surgeons of your choice (I had it set up with 3), and from those I choose the Mayo.  At that time you can find out about hair removal requirements and start to work on this lengthy process, if required.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 10, 2019, 02:31:01 pm
Wow Allie things are moving at light speed for you. I'm extremely for you!! How come you have to have insurance though? I thought you all had the insurance for all type program in Australia. Does it just cover some things but not others? Either way having way too much insurance is a lot better than not having any at all like so many people here have to deal with. I'm just glad that you're going to be covered!

I think it's thrilling that you have your consultation appointment all set up. Sadly I have to wait until next July before I can do anything like that. But I'm going to use that time wisely and find out which surgeons take my insurance. I already have a tentative plan put together about what I need to do and when. So I'm happy about that at least.

I think it's awesome that you work for such a caring company. You're not only a good asset to them, but they're a good asset for you too. What a pairing!!

Good luck getting the letters you need for surgery. I'm quite certain you won't have any problems getting what you need.

I'll talk to ya later,

xoxo
Lexxi

Thanks Lexxi! Our Medicare system is great, but like any public health system, it has limitations. It covers our medical and hospital costs up to scheduled fees for necessary treatment, which includes GCS, but only in public hospitals. We only have one GCS surgeon in Australia, and to be certain of dates, he only uses Private hospitals. This means that any fees over schedules and the entire cost of the private hospital isn’t covered, and this added up to nearly $20K for my op. I was able to negotiate medical insurance which covers everything Medicare doesn’t , which will cost me around $8k out of pocket, but there is a one year qualifying period, which started yesterday!

Thankfully, our surgeon is very well regarded and I have never seen a negative report on his services. It seems like it’s all happening fast, but I have been slowly transitioning for the last 20 years, and I will be almost 67 by the time the op comes around! I need to live some years as me, and hopefully without dysphoria for the first time in my life!

Hugs,

Allie 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on December 10, 2019, 07:21:07 pm
Why do you have o wait for a consultation until next june?  You don't need the yer on HRT for the consultation, you can do that anytime and have your ducks in a row already when the year is over!  You should start to work on getting your two letters, and set up a consultation with one or two surgeons of your choice (I had it set up with 3), and from those I choose the Mayo.  At that time you can find out about hair removal requirements and start to work on this lengthy process, if required.

Hi Linde,

I spoke to someone who used the same surgeon I'd like to use, and she told me that the surgeon requires that a person be one year in before she'll even do the consultation. I don't know why she'd require that, but if that's her rule then I'll have to stick by it.

I am going to start working on getting my letters though so I'll have them ready when it's time. I'm also going to start searching around for other surgeons who'll do the peritoneal flap method, so I'm not stuck with just one choice of a surgeon. The good thing about going to the surgeon I hope to use is that she doesn't require any hair removal before hand. I'm super happy about that.

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on December 10, 2019, 07:29:56 pm
Hi Allie,

I'm glad that you were able to get sufficient coverage. Is the $8000 what you'll have to pay after the surgery, or is that your premiums for the next year? Either way it's much better than $20,000,  :laugh:

That's too bad that there's only one GCS in all of Australia. It seems like it would really pay for a few surgeons to relocate down under...it sounds like they'd have plenty of customers to operate on. I guess with only one surgeon down there a lot of girls must go to other countries for their surgeries. That would be quite a hassle if you ask me.

Even though you have to wait a year for your insurance to kick in, that's really not a bad thing I guess since you weren't going to have surgery until 2021 anyway. Sounds like it's a win/win situation.

I'm glad that these biggest steps are starting to happen for you.  ;)

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 10, 2019, 08:04:56 pm
Hi Allie,

I'm glad that you were able to get sufficient coverage. Is the $8000 what you'll have to pay after the surgery, or is that your premiums for the next year? Either way it's much better than $20,000,  :laugh:

That's too bad that there's only one GCS in all of Australia. It seems like it would really pay for a few surgeons to relocate down under...it sounds like they'd have plenty of customers to operate on. I guess with only one surgeon down there a lot of girls must go to other countries for their surgeries. That would be quite a hassle if you ask me.

Even though you have to wait a year for your insurance to kick in, that's really not a bad thing I guess since you weren't going to have surgery until 2021 anyway. Sounds like it's a win/win situation.

I'm glad that these biggest steps are starting to happen for you.  ;)

xoxo
Lexxi

Lexxi, The insurance will cover basically all costs, but I need a minimum of 2 years coverage @ $4k per year. I’m happy with the costs, and the surgeon I have chosen. It is so cheap for Aussie girls to go to Thailand for surgery, that it probably makes it hard for GCS docs to get enough work here. I think I need that year to prepare myself, but the best thing is my soon to be ex wife requested I have the surgery mid January, so she could stay with me in the hospital and recovery accommodation in her holiday period. So nice to know she ants to be with me at this landmark time. 

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on December 10, 2019, 09:56:31 pm
Allie.....I love your thread. I think what you did at work is the bravest thing. You courage inspires me. To stand up and scream “this is my truth, I am who I am, deal with it. “

Ok so that wasn’t your speech exactly but it feels like that. I’m so glad your job gives you the help that it does. It’s great to have the support from them in your journey. All the talk of surgery, although scary, must be so exciting to think about. Just thinking about what your doing in your life makes me just stop and take a deep breath. I’m so proud of you.

Keep rolling forward, your fan club is cheering you on.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 11, 2019, 02:54:13 am
Allie.....I love your thread. I think what you did at work is the bravest thing. You courage inspires me. To stand up and scream “this is my truth, I am who I am, deal with it. “

Ok so that wasn’t your speech exactly but it feels like that. I’m so glad your job gives you the help that it does. It’s great to have the support from them in your journey. All the talk of surgery, although scary, must be so exciting to think about. Just thinking about what your doing in your life makes me just stop and take a deep breath. I’m so proud of you.

Keep rolling forward, your fan club is cheering you on.

Hugs
Nicole

So good to see you here Nicole! My stand up and scream was more like mumble and tears for a bit, but close to half the room joined me. One of the staff who wasn't there pulled me aside today and told me that my speech was all anyone could talk about at work yesterday. She told me that the lady describing my speech broke down crying again, and said it was the most powerful presentation she had ever witnessed at work. My inclusion manager rang me and said she also broke down again when telling her partner, and implored me to repeat it at the next training session. I have felt so supported by my department, I felt I couldn't say no, so next year, I have to do it all again!

I have to admit, that making the appointment for surgery is the most exciting thing I have done in my transition. It means so much to me, not only will I feel anatomically correct, but there is a chance it will finally rid me of my life long arch enemy - dysphoria. Remember, for me, this has been a 60+ year battle, and I so need it to be over.

I just got home from another session of electrolysis, this one just a little more painful than the last. I hope HRT isn't robbing me of my pain tolerance as I have such a long way to go. Allie is hosting an afternoon tea this Saturday with a few of the ladies from work who have never met her. This is a great opportunity for my still wife so see how normal and comfortable others are around me, and hopefully give her a good experience with me as a woman.

I have a scuba club meeting tomorrow night, the first since I made my speech there, so it will be interesting to see how I am received. It is my second last ever meeting as a male. The next meeting will be in February, and at the March meeting I will be full time female. It's all getting very real!!!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on December 11, 2019, 10:12:45 am
So good to see you here Nicole! My stand up and scream was more like mumble and tears for a bit, but close to half the room joined me. One of the staff who wasn't there pulled me aside today and told me that my speech was all anyone could talk about at work yesterday. She told me that the lady describing my speech broke down crying again, and said it was the most powerful presentation she had ever witnessed at work. My inclusion manager rang me and said she also broke down again when telling her partner, and implored me to repeat it at the next training session. I have felt so supported by my department, I felt I couldn't say no, so next year, I have to do it all again!

I have to admit, that making the appointment for surgery is the most exciting thing I have done in my transition. It means so much to me, not only will I feel anatomically correct, but there is a chance it will finally rid me of my life long arch enemy - dysphoria. Remember, for me, this has been a 60+ year battle, and I so need it to be over.

I just got home from another session of electrolysis, this one just a little more painful than the last. I hope HRT isn't robbing me of my pain tolerance as I have such a long way to go. Allie is hosting an afternoon tea this Saturday with a few of the ladies from work who have never met her. This is a great opportunity for my still wife so see how normal and comfortable others are around me, and hopefully give her a good experience with me as a woman.

I have a scuba club meeting tomorrow night, the first since I made my speech there, so it will be interesting to see how I am received. It is my second last ever meeting as a male. The next meeting will be in February, and at the March meeting I will be full time female. It's all getting very real!!!

Hugs,

Allie

Allie...Just reading the things your going through, reading the milestones your reaching....Its just so amazing. I read it and get chills. Part of me so excited, part of me terrified at my future. All I know is you deserve all the support your getting. I wish I could have heard your speech, sounds like the perfect words were said.

That tea party is a great idea, not only does it normalize things for your wife, friends, work environment but it also just helps you feel what you have needed to feel for so many years.
I’m sure the scuba meeting will be interesting but hey I’m sure you will look good in a more form fitting scuba suit sooooo....... Own it!...

The electrolysis is a way off for me with money issues and my wives health coming first. But I would love to get rid of shaving. I have hated it since it started. I’ve got time though, moving slow is the only way my wife can handle it for now.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 13, 2019, 06:30:56 am
Allie...Just reading the things your going through, reading the milestones your reaching....Its just so amazing. I read it and get chills. Part of me so excited, part of me terrified at my future. All I know is you deserve all the support your getting. I wish I could have heard your speech, sounds like the perfect words were said.

That tea party is a great idea, not only does it normalize things for your wife, friends, work environment but it also just helps you feel what you have needed to feel for so many years.
I’m sure the scuba meeting will be interesting but hey I’m sure you will look good in a more form fitting scuba suit sooooo....... Own it!...

The electrolysis is a way off for me with money issues and my wives health coming first. But I would love to get rid of shaving. I have hated it since it started. I’ve got time though, moving slow is the only way my wife can handle it for now.

Hugs
Nicole

Thanks Nicole, you are a great supporter of me and it is so appreciated and I return it when I can. You may yet get to see my speech as the inclusion team want me to present at other events and film it to go on the web. I have been blown away by comments since, with so many people saying it changed their entire outlook on LBGTIQ people, and that they are still talking about it days later, and some still break down in tears when they are relaying it to others. I've had people who weren't there contact me to say they were astounded by the descriptions of those who were there, and that my presentation had made a significant change in the entire department (over 1000 people) just from word of mouth in 2 days.

My scuba meeting went well with everybody treating me completely normally. I did announce to them that my wife ( who is also a member) and I were divorcing, but hoped to stay together, and that the next meeting in February would be the last time they would see me as a male. They asked me to be the guest speaker at the March meeting to show video of one of my dive trips, and that it wouldn't matter that I would be doing it as a woman. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people.

I went to the optometrist yesterday to get more gender appropriate glasses for driving. I was in male mode, and simply told the staff I was transitioning. They found it to be very interesting and seemed to go out of their way to help me. The optometrist queried my age, and said I looked 15 years younger, then he said he was astounded by my eye test as in the 5 years since my last test, I should have had significant negative change in my sight, but in all areas it was exactly the same or slightly improved. He said he had never seen results like this before and he was convinced it was due to HRT, claiming I had found a fountain of youth!!

Still in male mode, I went bra shopping as one of the stores had a $5 sale on t shirt bras. I rummaged through the rack with 2 other women and found my size in black and natural, and the checkout girl said they were a great bargain, was I sure I didn't also want white? I simply said I was still growing so these would get me through to the next size and she smiled, rang them up and wished me a happy Xmas! Now, it may be obvious I am not a typical male, but I am amazed how comfortable it is to shop for even intimate women's apparel in male mode.

Then I rang my GRS surgeons office, to give them my insurance membership number so they could check it would cover all costs. I asked them if they could make a note on my file that my wife had holidays through January 2021, and so could be with me if I had surgery then, but at other times I would be on my own. She said she couldn't schedule me for surgery until after my consult next May, but since I had shown such commitment and had such a good reason, she would make a note on my file and the calendar for those dates! She said she couldn't promise me anything but I should be fine for those dates!!

Today we had our site Xmas party, and the social club organised 'barefoot lawn bowls' a sport popular in commonwealth countries where you bowl counterweighted balls over grass to see who gets closest to the 'Jack" a small white ball bowled first. As none of us had appropriate shoes, we were required to be bare foot on the greens, and of course, I had lovely pink nail polish on my toes. Such is my life and acceptance, all I got were compliments on the colour. I am at an amazing stage where nothing I do is even questioned, I am just me, and everyone is with me.

Today my managers boss called me aside and told me my name had already been changed on the employee lists, and internal phone lists, and that new name tags and nameplate for my office door should arrive next week! My official change of gender at work isn’t until April next year. A few staff members who heard my story Monday are already using my female name and are demanding Allie make at least one appearance at work before Xmas. Is that enthusiastic support or what!

Tonight I wept at my amazingly good fortune.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: MikaelaA on December 13, 2019, 07:28:10 am
Hi Allie,

It's great to hear everything is falling into place for you.  I can't wait to be able to go bra shopping.  Not quite there yet.  I hope you have a wonderful Xmas.


With Love,

Alexa
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on December 13, 2019, 08:36:32 am
Allie:

I am massively happy for you.  You absolutely deserve it!   

Sorry I haven't responded sooner.  I have been selfishly wrapped up in my own stuff.

Have a great holiday and it sounds like an exciting New Year!

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 13, 2019, 09:36:19 am
Hi Allie,

It's great to hear everything is falling into place for you.  I can't wait to be able to go bra shopping.  Not quite there yet.  I hope you have a wonderful Xmas.


With Love,

Alexa

Thank you Alexa! The shopping thing is surely a reflection on the accepting people in my society. I used to be scared, but now I’m doing it, I wondered why? Give it a go, you might just be surprised how easy it is!

Hugs,

Allie   
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on December 13, 2019, 09:52:49 am
Hey Allie,

Anyone mentioned that you're <not allowed> awesome? So happy for you girl!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 13, 2019, 10:14:41 am
Allie:

I am massively happy for you.  You absolutely deserve it!   

Sorry I haven't responded sooner.  I have been selfishly wrapped up in my own stuff.

Have a great holiday and it sounds like an exciting New Year!

Hugs,

Emma

Emma, thank you for stopping by! My last thought after posting my update was that I hoped you wouldn’t see this thread as I didn’t want to throw my success in your face as you struggle. I hope you can at least get the feeling that things can go right. Also bear in mind I have been working on everybody for decades to see me as a woman, this is no overnight success! I have also developed an attitude that I am trans, I need to be able to live my life as a trans person, and people seem to appreciate me being open about it. I truly am amazed and humbled at how things are going for me.

I too idolise my (soon to be ex) wife, and I have spent years making her life as wonderful as it could be. I go out of my way to do nice things for her, and cook her favourite things when she is low. You could say I have developed a dependancy in her, and she realises she could never have this quality of life with another person. She has always been intolerant of others, saying insensitive things to them, and realises I am also the only person in her life she has not wound up insulting to the point they leave her. She insults me but it never sticks, because I know this is just part of who she is, and I know who I really am.

The divorce has really helped her with her problem of being associated with me as a spouse, and opened up the possibility of living with me as the best friends we have always been, and both of us retaining the lifestyle we cherish.

I truly hope you and your wife can find a similar solution, I know your pain and it has taken me decades of work to get my wife to accept me as trans. I know you are stuck between an irresistible force, dysphoria, and an immoveable object, your wife, and something has to give, and I so worry it might be you, as it was me. I hope you can get some hope from my thread, but also see what I have done to get here, and find a better way for yourself and your wife, It’s 3 am here and the last thing I thought of before I went to sleep was you, and now you are in my thoughts again. Take care of yourself.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 13, 2019, 10:34:15 am
Hey Allie,

Anyone mentioned that you're <not allowed> awesome? So happy for you girl!

Thank you Randi, and actually, It’s all I have been hearing all this week, luckily I am immune to praise! The best one was my electrolysis lady. She said when she first met me she thought I was a nice person, and then after 2 more sessions, she felt I may be the nicest person she has ever met, but then she got suspicious that nobody could be that nice and selfless, so she found my facebook page and googled me. The next time I went to see her she hugged me and told me of her thoughts and investigations and her conclusion that I am the nicest person she has ever met, then she got defensive over me, and told me if my wife broke my heart, she would make it her business to find her and giver a piece of her mind!

Now when I see her she worries about me so, telling me I need to start looking out for myself rather than everybody else. I explained to her that I have an overdeveloped maternal instinct, just like she has, and it makes us worry about others and get great pleasure from doing things for others without thinking of ourselves. She gave me the biggest hug and whispered in my ear that it was impossible, but I was even nicer than she had ever imagined.

But I hope I have given the message that I am surrounded by such nice people, and that includes you Randi

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on December 13, 2019, 11:26:43 am
Oh Allie please don't lose sleep over me, I will be ok.   I continue to hope for the best.

My jealousy of you is entirely healthy happiness for you.  You absolutely deserve every second of joy you have.  I think it is great!

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on December 13, 2019, 11:32:57 am
Thank you Randi, and actually, It’s all I have been hearing all this week, luckily I am immune to praise! The best one was my electrolysis lady. She said when she first met me she thought I was a nice person, and then after 2 more sessions, she felt I may be the nicest person she has ever met, but then she got suspicious that nobody could be that nice and selfless, so she found my facebook page and googled me. The next time I went to see her she hugged me and told me of her thoughts and investigations and her conclusion that I am the nicest person she has ever met, then she got defensive over me, and told me if my wife broke my heart, she would make it her business to find her and giver a piece of her mind!

Now when I see her she worries about me so, telling me I need to start looking out for myself rather than everybody else. I explained to her that I have an overdeveloped maternal instinct, just like she has, and it makes us worry about others and get great pleasure from doing things for others without thinking of ourselves. She gave me the biggest hug and whispered in my ear that it was impossible, but I was even nicer than she had ever imagined.

But I hope I have given the message that I am surrounded by such nice people, and that includes you Randi

Hugs,

Allie
Immune to praise is a very foreign concept to me - i’m a complete sucker for praise and absolutely lap it up! #shallowpammie


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on December 13, 2019, 11:45:31 pm
Thanks Nicole, you are a great supporter of me and it is so appreciated and I return it when I can. You may yet get to see my speech as the inclusion team want me to present at other events and film it to go on the web. I have been blown away by comments since, with so many people saying it changed their entire outlook on LBGTIQ people, and that they are still talking about it days later, and some still break down in tears when they are relaying it to others. I've had people who weren't there contact me to say they were astounded by the descriptions of those who were there, and that my presentation had made a significant change in the entire department (over 1000 people) just from word of mouth in 2 days.

My scuba meeting went well with everybody treating me completely normally. I did announce to them that my wife ( who is also a member) and I were divorcing, but hoped to stay together, and that the next meeting in February would be the last time they would see me as a male. They asked me to be the guest speaker at the March meeting to show video of one of my dive trips, and that it wouldn't matter that I would be doing it as a woman. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people.

I went to the optometrist yesterday to get more gender appropriate glasses for driving. I was in male mode, and simply told the staff I was transitioning. They found it to be very interesting and seemed to go out of their way to help me. The optometrist queried my age, and said I looked 15 years younger, then he said he was astounded by my eye test as in the 5 years since my last test, I should have had significant negative change in my sight, but in all areas it was exactly the same or slightly improved. He said he had never seen results like this before and he was convinced it was due to HRT, claiming I had found a fountain of youth!!

Still in male mode, I went bra shopping as one of the stores had a $5 sale on t shirt bras. I rummaged through the rack with 2 other women and found my size in black and natural, and the checkout girl said they were a great bargain, was I sure I didn't also want white? I simply said I was still growing so these would get me through to the next size and she smiled, rang them up and wished me a happy Xmas! Now, it may be obvious I am not a typical male, but I am amazed how comfortable it is to shop for even intimate women's apparel in male mode.

Then I rang my GRS surgeons office, to give them my insurance membership number so they could check it would cover all costs. I asked them if they could make a note on my file that my wife had holidays through January 2021, and so could be with me if I had surgery then, but at other times I would be on my own. She said she couldn't schedule me for surgery until after my consult next May, but since I had shown such commitment and had such a good reason, she would make a note on my file and the calendar for those dates! She said she couldn't promise me anything but I should be fine for those dates!!

Today we had our site Xmas party, and the social club organised 'barefoot lawn bowls' a sport popular in commonwealth countries where you bowl counterweighted balls over grass to see who gets closest to the 'Jack" a small white ball bowled first. As none of us had appropriate shoes, we were required to be bare foot on the greens, and of course, I had lovely pink nail polish on my toes. Such is my life and acceptance, all I got were compliments on the colour. I am at an amazing stage where nothing I do is even questioned, I am just me, and everyone is with me.

Today my managers boss called me aside and told me my name had already been changed on the employee lists, and internal phone lists, and that new name tags and nameplate for my office door should arrive next week! My official change of gender at work isn’t until April next year. A few staff members who heard my story Monday are already using my female name and are demanding Allie make at least one appearance at work before Xmas. Is that enthusiastic support or what!

Tonight I wept at my amazingly good fortune.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie....I was just catching up your thread (as well as updating mine) I’m sitting here in my Hotel room, almost midnight here after my 1st full day of the family Christmas weekend. A great talk with my daughter got me feeling good, then I read this and got even happier.

You are doing so well. You aren’t trying to transition anymore, your living it.
 Bra shopping ✅
Told your work and became a inspiration ✅. 
Changed the minds of people about LGTBQ community ✅
Told social group ( scuba) ✅ So respected you get to present as Allie✅
Female glasses ✅
Awesome shade of Pink toenails✅
My endless respect and a Giant smile reading all this✅

Just killing it Allie. So great!!!......Your writing a pretty good playbook so far I am definitely taking notes. Very tired time to go to sleep now, but I wanted to check (✅ LoL ) in quick.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on December 14, 2019, 04:00:37 am
Allie....I was just catching up your thread (as well as updating mine) I’m sitting here in my Hotel room, almost midnight here after my 1st full day of the family Christmas weekend. A great talk with my daughter got me feeling good, then I read this and got even happier.

You are doing so well. You aren’t trying to transition anymore, your living it.
 Bra shopping
Told your work and became a inspiration
Changed the minds of people about LGTBQ community
Told social group ( scuba) So respected you get to present as Allie
Female glasses
Awesome shade of Pink toenails
My endless respect and a Giant smile reading all this

Just killing it Allie. So great!!!......Your writing a pretty good playbook so far I am definitely taking notes. Very tired time to go to sleep now, but I wanted to check ( LoL ) in quick.

Hugs
Nicole
This is why overall I do love this forum - so supportive of each other! Well done girls! Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 14, 2019, 04:17:11 am
This is why overall I do love this forum - so supportive of each other! Well done girls! Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Pammie, we are all on this crazy ride together, and very few of us have everything we need to get through this, so we need each other! I was bogged down resisting this ride because I was forced onto it, but Nikki and Em showed me I was actually given an easy entry without the anxiety and guilt, and from there I have gone forward in leaps and bounds. We feel each others pain and genuinely celebrate each others victories, so we can get through this together!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on December 14, 2019, 05:03:11 am
Pammie, we are all on this crazy ride together, and very few of us have everything we need to get through this, so we need each other! I was bogged down resisting this ride because I was forced onto it, but Nikki and Em showed me I was actually given an easy entry without the anxiety and guilt, and from there I have gone forward in leaps and bounds. We feel each others pain and genuinely celebrate each others victories, so we can then through this together!

Allie
No words needed - just YAY!!!  Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on December 15, 2019, 09:21:31 am
I second Pam....absolutely YAY!!!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on December 15, 2019, 10:35:26 am
Pammie, we are all on this crazy ride together, and very few of us have everything we need to get through this, so we need each other! I was bogged down resisting this ride because I was forced onto it, but Nikki and Em showed me I was actually given an easy entry without the anxiety and guilt, and from there I have gone forward in leaps and bounds. We feel each others pain and genuinely celebrate each others victories, so we can get through this together!

Allie
Allie I really believe it’s all about confidence and overcoming fear. If we can do that with the world, then it’s just about making sure we can make a living in the world and can find love of outer family at home. The last one is hardest usually. In the end love of ourselves is so huge and that’s The Whole reason we do any of this. You are super special and need to be treated as such.
 
You all rock, cheering each other on is the reason I come here.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 15, 2019, 02:37:20 pm
Allie I really believe it’s all about confidence and overcoming fear. If we can do that with the world, then it’s just about making sure we can make a living in the world and can find love of outer family at home. The last one is hardest usually. In the end love of ourselves is so huge and that’s The Whole reason we do any of this. You are super special and need to be treated as such.
 
You all rock, cheering each other on is the reason I come here.

Hugs
Nicole

Nicole, you are right about the love of others. I was locked in my dark cave until the love of others released me. I knew Allie all my life, kept her deeply hidden for 30 years, then partly exposed for 30 years, though nobody else saw her but my wife. I knew dysphoria all my life, and it affected everything. Though I was assessed as quite intelligent, I had troubles concentrating, affecting my schoolwork. I always felt I was faulty, and this made me feel less than everyone else, which stunted my social development. Fear of someone discovering my deep secret prevented me from letting anyone get close to me, so I could never have a friend.

To fight off dysphoria, I threw myself into work and family, keeping insanely busy, but allowing me to raise my children and set myself up financially. Through this I allowed myself my first close friend, then I married her. Allie finally had a life, although locked up for decades. Then it all became too much for me, I was sick, HRT saved me, but I was in a dark place of fear, thinking I would lose everyone, and the clock was ticking loudly.

My children released me, then my family, work colleagues, and everyone else! But I still had issues, and that was where Susan’s came to the rescue. Through the experience of my sisters I was able to work out where I was, and get over my barriers, all of them! Allie is now out in the world, finally celebrating her life, her friends and loved ones! I still have a way to go with HRT, and official changes, but I am alive and living as my true self! Only my friends at Susan’s can know the joy I am feeling now!

And it is all because of the love of others.

Hugs,

Allie 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 17, 2019, 12:17:10 am
So I told my wife I would need a donut pillow and a sleep teddy for my operation more than a year away! Guess what I found on my bed!!

Allie

(https://i.imgur.com/FBvTwzb.jpg)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on December 17, 2019, 02:46:29 am
Awww...Allie that's so sweet of her!! It's stories like that, that just kind of grab a person by the feels and makes them feel all warm inside.

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on December 17, 2019, 08:36:50 pm
So I told my wife I would need a donut pillow and a sleep teddy for my operation more than a year away! Guess what I found on my bed!!

Allie

(https://i.imgur.com/FBvTwzb.jpg)

Allie...I just updated my thread and was crying to myself. Joyfully..and then I read this.
That is so sweet

What an amazing jester, so awesome. Now Im crying again. And your teddy is so cute too.

Bug hugs with a big smile
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 18, 2019, 03:04:31 am
I admit I was surprised, but then, she did ask me to let the surgeon know when her holidays were so they might schedule the op when she could stay with me! I actually slept with Benjamin Bear last night, probably the only male who will ever share my bed, and he is nice to cuddle up to! So from now on when you hear me say I took Ben to bed, you will know what I mean!!!

No more tears Nikki, but you can share Lexxi's inside warmness!

Love,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on December 18, 2019, 06:25:54 am
Allie that is so great!!!  It's sounds like it is getting better and better.  Excellent!

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on December 18, 2019, 06:27:20 pm
I admit I was surprised, but then, she did ask me to let the surgeon know when her holidays were so they might schedule the op when she could stay with me! I actually slept with Benjamin Bear last night, probably the only male who will ever share my bed, and he is nice to cuddle up to! So from now on when you hear me say I took Ben to bed, you will know what I mean!!!

No more tears Nikki, but you can share Lexxi's inside warmness!

Love,

Allie

Allie....Lol....Benjamin seems like a great buddy at bedtime. And no more tears today. Just overwhelmed with tears of joy yesterday...and it was such a sweet story. I’m glad your wife is participating and still showing the love she has.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Complete on December 18, 2019, 08:58:39 pm
Allie, it is really good to hear a genuine success amid all the wailing and the gnashing of teeth. I sincerely hope that things continue to go well for you. You are an inspiration to others by your courage and perseverance. Good on ya!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on December 18, 2019, 11:50:25 pm
Allie, it is really good to hear a genuine success amid all the wailing and the gnashing of teeth. I sincerely hope that things continue to go well for you. You are an inspiration to others by your courage and perseverance. Good on ya!

Thank you Complete! But a little more than a couple of months ago, I was also wailing and gnashing! Things have turned around for me, and my hope is that others will see things can turn around for them also!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 05, 2020, 04:50:45 am
Wow, I haven't updated my blog for a while, but then not much has really happened. My soon to be ex wife seems to have come to terms with everything soon after we filed for divorce. She is happy to talk to her friends, family and even work colleagues about me, and she has been telling all our neighbours I would be presenting as female soon. It looks like we will stay together as the best friends we have always been. We haven't had a traditional marriage for over a decade as I was unable to perform husbandly duties.

I had my kids stay with me over the Xmas week, and my grandkids. I had promised my family I would present as a male until the end of 2019, but my grandkids would come into my bedroom each day at 7 am and I would get up and make breakfast for them while still wearing my nightie. I got changed into male clothes before the adults came in for their breakfast, (I should explain we have a seperate holiday cottage on our property, so we have our house to ourselves when family stay over.) My grandkids just know Poppy has boobies and wears lady clothes and to them that's normal! I was in a play ground with my grandsons and a little 4 yo girl asked me if I was a girl, even though I was trying to present as male. It's happening more and more lately, confirming it's getting close to give up trying to pass as a male.

I admit I was exhausted by the time they went home New Years Eve as they had a party to go to. Cooking 3 meals a day for the whole tribe, washing dishes and trying not to miss any play activities with my grandkids, and keep our house clean is hard work, but I love doing it!! New Years Eve was very quiet, and I was in bed well before midnight.

I went snorkelling on a couple of days and to my disappointment, I had pain in my breasts. I'd had this before when scuba diving and put it down to water pressure, but they hurt just swimming around on the surface. This means I can't even go snorkelling which is a real bummer. I miss my fishy friends...

So we are in 2020. My resolution is to lose weight again, but this year I have incentive. I admit I am a little apprehensive about 2020. First challenge is my session with the psychiatrist who is writing my letter for my GRS. Next challenge is to get my birth certificate changed, which requires me to submit a credit history report as I am changing 2 names. As soon as that is done I have to change my bank names, Tax office, Retirement Fund, drivers licence, Passport, and Working with Children card and get them all to HR! There goes all of February and some of March!

March is a busy month. To kick it off I have organised a family get together on the 1st to celebrate my 66th birthday, our 20th wedding anniversary, and for my brothers, a farewell to their brother. I have a psychologist session on the 3rd, and another psychiatrist session on the 10th so I should get both letters I need. I have an Endo review on the 16th, and my I year HRT anniversary on the 18th. Towards the end of the month, I will have a big makeover at my salon, and throw out all my male things!! I will be full time!!! (so nervous...)

April starts with me being on 2 weeks holiday to refine my new look, and concentrate on perfecting my female voice. I return to work on the 15th as a female for the rest of my life. (another nervous day!) Hopefully the rest of the month will go smoothly. May is the month I see my surgeon for my GRS consult. The rest of the year will be trying to get back to boringly normal, and preparing for my Op in Jan 2021.

See, not much really to report!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on January 05, 2020, 09:41:44 am
Allie, so much activity!!  It sounds like you had a nice holiday with your family and the coming year will be full of new experiences.  Good for you. 

As to the pain when you dive and snorkel, have you considered that maybe you should work your chest muscles a bit with some specific exercises?  I'm not in the medical business but that pain doesn't sound rational.  You spoke some time ago about having your boat and that its outfitted for divers, but that you may end up selling it if you cannot enjoy diving.  Have you thought of using it to take your club members and friends out on a fee basis?  It seems you have so much experience that it would be a waste to not share your knowledge.  It would be a way to stay involved without being too physical.  It could be a good side business to offset the cost of ownership and keep you invested in your friendships.  Plus your wife still dives, right?  Just a thought...

Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on January 05, 2020, 10:02:22 am
Sounds like things are going very well for you Allie.  I am so glad things are working out with your partner.  I know you value that relationship highly.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on January 05, 2020, 12:21:30 pm
Allie....YAY.!....Sounds like it’s a full time job just keeping up with your schedule. The excitement has got to be overwhelming! I’m sure your nerves are about the same. Of course nerves are temporary moments of anxiety where the excitement and happiness of the transition to becoming your full truth, to become  the women you were meant to be.....will last the rest of your life.

I’m glad your wife is sticking around as your best friend and companion. That’s really what relationships are about. Living together and keeping life AS IS, makes a difference. What’s great is that your grandkids know your different sure but love you as the same great person they have always known. Kids are amazing in there love for others, your grandkids seem awesome. Must have been fun to spend the holidays with them and the whole family.
Sure it’s a lot of work but work isn’t really work if you love it.

Reading your post is like getting a new edition of a great book. Lights me up to hear of the continuing story of your journey. I had to read it twice just to take it all in. Picture the scene and see the future events in my mind. It’s great your planning farewell events with family as well as celebrating the new changes. Considering how far you have come since you made the decision to just go for it is fantastic. I am always reminded of the line from the movie Shawshank Redemption ....”get busy livin or get busy dying”.......“Hope is a good thing “ It really seems like the perfect mantra for the whole web site. Lord knows it’s what keeps me going.

Love the update, I’ve been thinking about you and wondering. I figured with the holidays life gets busy and so are you, but Im glad to see what’s been going on. It’s great to see your journey has hit the fast lane after years of slow moving. You so deserve your success in this and the joy it brings you. Can’t wait for the next installment.

I send you love and big hugs. 🤗.
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 05, 2020, 12:48:26 pm
Allie, so much activity!!  It sounds like you had a nice holiday with your family and the coming year will be full of new experiences.  Good for you. 

As to the pain when you dive and snorkel, have you considered that maybe you should work your chest muscles a bit with some specific exercises?  I'm not in the medical business but that pain doesn't sound rational.  You spoke some time ago about having your boat and that its outfitted for divers, but that you may end up selling it if you cannot enjoy diving.  Have you thought of using it to take your club members and friends out on a fee basis?  It seems you have so much experience that it would be a waste to not share your knowledge.  It would be a way to stay involved without being too physical.  It could be a good side business to offset the cost of ownership and keep you invested in your friendships.  Plus your wife still dives, right?  Just a thought...

Judi

Judy, thank you for your lovely thoughts! TBH my breast pain has me a bit perplexed, I think it might be to do with being cooler in the water, but the first time I noticed it was in the sub tropics where the water was a bit warmer. It’s definitely not muscle pain, and I have a very physical job where all my diminishing muscles get a good workout. I will have to do some more experimenting to find the cause of my pain, but that means having pain again!!

My boat is set up to take club divers out, and the arrangement has always been that they also drive the boat so I can go diving, and we all share the running costs on the day. As I haven’t had too many genuine enquiries on my boat ad, and I do like to give it a run every month, I will be taking the club divers out every now and then. With my diminishing strength, I am finding it hard to do some of the heavy work required, and I am losing some confidence in operating it. It still costs me around $4000 a year to own and maintain, and it’s hard to justify if I can’t dive.

Also, the 4wd I tow it with has been an absolute lemon, with 13 warranty claims in the 3 years I have owned it, and I desperately need to get rid of it. Then I won’t be able to tow the boat, and I don’t want to have to buy another big car just so I can use the boat every so often. My car is also advertised , but I will probably trade it on a smaller SUV as I would feel guilty selling it to someone as it is. It will go back to the dealer with transmission problems this month, and as soon as I get it back I will trade it.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 05, 2020, 12:55:47 pm
Randi and Nicole, thanks for your comments, yes it does seem like this transitioning takes up a lot of my time! My wife definitely seems calmer about my transition, but we still have some hurdles to clear. I guess I will be more confident in the second half of the year. I also worry that she is 10 years younger than me, now single, and does have libido.....

I’m glad you get something from reading my blog, and it’s not all about me.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on January 05, 2020, 07:25:21 pm
Allie please keep working to discover the source of your pain.  You don't want this to bother you forever.

I'm sorry about all the trouble you've had with your 4wd.  I've been fortunate with my two vehicles over the years. As to your boat, I understand about the cost of ownership with lack of use.  I'm still trying to sell my racecar, which is a harder proposition than I had hoped for.  My truck will eventually go as well. 

All my Best,
Judi

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 29, 2020, 04:26:23 am
Wow, overdue for an update! My soon to be ex and I have been away on a holiday after an awesome but exhausting week with my daughter and 3 grandsons from Xmas to the New Year. We crossed our continent to explore the south west of Western Australia. Our first sop was at a pier which has amazing coral growths under it. My wife was really excited to dive here, but I have been out of diving due to the pain it causes in my breasts. I agreed to dive with her and just suck up the pain, but when I settled on the bottom, surrounded by schools of fish and corals, I realised there was no pain!!! I nearly drowned smiling so much, and all I could think of that it must be cooler water which caused the pain as this water was warm.

Southwest WA is an amazing place with spectacular forests and coastlines, but our focus was on timing killer whales feeding. The boat travels one hour offshore, and for the first time I joined the women at the back of the boat holding sick bags. My wife chuckled as she has suffered seasickness all her life, and welcomed me to womanhood. We saw lots of whales and had a great day.

I spent the first half of or holiday presenting as male, but my lovely wife booked us into trans friendly accommodation so I could be myself for a couple of days. She was a bit nervous the first day as we visited tourist spots together, but noticed nobody seemed to react to me. By the end of the day she felt comfortable with me. Lucky for me I packed a few female outfits, and she was even more comfortable the next day. From there we were going to Perth to stay with my brother for 3 days, and he rang me to say his family were expecting Allie to arrive!

This was the first time they had seen Allie, and they welcomed me with compliments about my look, and quickly everything became normal. The next day we all took a ferry to Rottnest Island for a bicycle tour, and again everyone seemed accepting. We rode around the island, had lunch at a restaurant, visited the ladies, and rode some more. I asked my wife how she was going with my presentation in public, and she said she had forgotten how I was dressed! She quickly followed this up with saying she wouldn't be this comfortable when we got home.

After another great day at my brothers we packed our bags and headed to the airport, and my wife seemed surprised I had gone back to male clothing for the flight.

My holiday was interrupted as my boss begged me to fill in for someone at a 3 day event 4 hours away from home. As it was a work event I went in male attire, and got to my accommodation only to find my room had been booked under my Allie name! The reception lady was slightly confused. I met up with the other staff from other branches who I would work with for the weekend, and they called me Allie. They had expected me to present as female!

I got home and my wife had been thinking about my pain free dive and remarked it was only 8 metres deep so we hadn't eliminated water pressure as a cause, so I should go do a deep dive in a drysuit to make sure I was warm. Having our own dive boat, we went out after she got home from work and I dropped down a wall to 35 metres, no pain! This confirmed it was due to cold and meant I could go scuba diving again. I nearly drowned again smiling!!

I have my first of two Psychiatrist sessions tomorrow for my GRS letter. I am a bit nervous, but mostly as this means so much to me. GRS isn't something I want, it is something I need.  My psychologist has already indicated she will provide her letter, so I just have to make tomorrow work!!

Now we are up to date, again, thank you for sharing my story!!

Allie

Finding Quokkas on Rottnest Island!

(http://i.imgur.com/b8wciEj.jpg) (https://imgur.com/b8wciEj)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: mm on January 29, 2020, 06:21:17 am
Great you can dive again with pain, must have been pain from your breasts starting to grow.  Sounds like you are on the way of coming out at work.  Good Psychiatrists are ready to write your letters for GRS. Glad you are making such good progress.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on January 29, 2020, 06:27:50 am
Allie your life is getting better and better.  It is just so great to read, particularly with all that you have been through.

I can hear the joy and happiness in your posts.

I am stuck for now with small steps but I expect that will change.  This train is not stopping :).


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 29, 2020, 06:33:56 am
Great you can dive again with pain, must have been pain from your breasts starting to grow.  Sounds like you are on the way of coming out at work.  Good Psychiatrists are ready to write your letters for GRS. Glad you are making such good progress.

Thank you mm! Things are progressing well, and such a bonus to get back to my passion! Yes my developing breasts are sensitive to cool water. and I am confident I will get my letter!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Maddie on January 29, 2020, 08:49:46 am
Thanks for the update Allie.
You describe beautiful places girl.

Glad that your work event booked you as Allie and called you thst for the weekend
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on January 29, 2020, 10:16:49 am
Hi Allie,

Great news about the diving!  I know you had been grieving the loss of that.  Good to see your ex getting a bit more comfortable about being out with Allie as well.  And work?  It might be time for you to toss in the towel on the male thing.  Just sayin'
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on January 29, 2020, 10:26:37 am
Great update Allie!  I had considered that your wife would be fine with your presentation away from her familiar area. I'm sure it won't be long before all is well in your home turf too.  I'm happy that you seemed to have figured out the diving quandary and are back out (under) there again.  Wonderful. 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 29, 2020, 03:29:56 pm
Thank you all for you lovely comments. I am so lucky to live in the most amazing country, not just for its stunning scenery and wildlife, but for the culture which supports people from minority groups. It’s not just government policy and regulations, people are so accepting. I know I don’t pass, but I have never had a negative experience in public, and everybody is so nice to me.

Judi, I have a program of getting my wife used to me in our neighbourhood, and it started with our neighbours accepting me. I will do our shopping as Allie and hopefully she will be with me and see the acceptance is the same here.

Randi, they gave me my Allie name tag at work as I argued that presenting as female to the public and having a male name tag would create confusion. I have an official date locked in on the 15th April, and I do go to work as Allie on days where we don’t have public to deal with. I really need a bit more time to work on my voice and movements so I will be more confident dealing with people who don’t know me. I am spending over 80% of my time as Allie now, so full time will be a minor adjustment for both me and my soon to be ex.

I will be Allie for the first time with my Daughter, her husband and my grandkids this weekend, so another step taken. We will go to a Hot Rod show so they can become comfortable with me in public. Small steps but in the right direction!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 29, 2020, 09:02:47 pm
Had my first Psychiatrist session for my GRS letter today, all went well and he said my next session would be a couple of months before the op as he didn't see any problem with writing my letter but he preferred to do it closer to the surgery date. He did say my psychologist wasn't qualified to write a letter so now I have to find a clinical psychologist who can!

I did my first grocery shopping today as Allie and it was no different to before. Nobody paid me any attention, and my only concern was forgetting something. I interacted with store staff and customers and it was all normal and a bit boring,  just the way I wanted it to be!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on January 30, 2020, 02:59:21 am
Hey Allie,

That is great news about your Psychiatrist appointment. I was afraid they'd set some really high amount of sessions you'd have to go to before they'd write your letter. I got lucky with my therapist that she only required me to go to 4 appointments before she'd write my letter for hormones. The funny thing about that though, was that she diagnosed me with gender dysphoria before the first appointment was over. So I knew she was milking me a little bit. I guess it was for job safety.  ;D

I'm also glad that your psychiatrist told you that your psychologist wasn't qualified. That probably saved you some money and time. Good luck finding your clinical psychologist!!

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 30, 2020, 04:11:29 am
Hey Allie,

That is great news about your Psychiatrist appointment. I was afraid they'd set some really high amount of sessions you'd have to go to before they'd write your letter. I got lucky with my therapist that she only required me to go to 4 appointments before she'd write my letter for hormones. The funny thing about that though, was that she diagnosed me with gender dysphoria before the first appointment was over. So I knew she was milking me a little bit. I guess it was for job safety.  ;D

I'm also glad that your psychiatrist told you that your psychologist wasn't qualified. That probably saved you some money and time. Good luck finding your clinical psychologist!!

xoxo
Lexxi

Lexxi, My surgeon came back to me and said he would accept my psychologist report if she had it co signed by a clinical Psychologist. My psych was a bit miffed but agreed to do it at our next session, telling me she she actually had higher qualifications than the clinical psych who would be signing, but preferred not to get the clinical designation as it changed her insurances and costs.

The psychiatrist suggested it could take a few sessions to get my letter, but at the end of our session he said he would only need one more session next October as he liked to see patients within a couple of months of the op to make sure they were ready for it. I am confident of my letters, so now I just need to lose weight and get real fit!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Lexxi on January 30, 2020, 05:44:53 am
Hi Allie,

Well I have every faith that you'll do what you need to do, and you'll be very successful!! I'm so glad that everything is working out so well for you.

xoxo
Lexxi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on January 31, 2020, 09:10:18 am
Thank you all for you lovely comments. I am so lucky to live in the most amazing country, not just for its stunning scenery and wildlife, but for the culture which supports people from minority groups. It’s not just government policy and regulations, people are so accepting. I know I don’t pass, but I have never had a negative experience in public, and everybody is so nice to me.

Judi, I have a program of getting my wife used to me in our neighbourhood, and it started with our neighbours accepting me. I will do our shopping as Allie and hopefully she will be with me and see the acceptance is the same here.

Randi, they gave me my Allie name tag at work as I argued that presenting as female to the public and having a male name tag would create confusion. I have an official date locked in on the 15th April, and I do go to work as Allie on days where we don’t have public to deal with. I really need a bit more time to work on my voice and movements so I will be more confident dealing with people who don’t know me. I am spending over 80% of my time as Allie now, so full time will be a minor adjustment for both me and my soon to be ex.

I will be Allie for the first time with my Daughter, her husband and my grandkids this weekend, so another step taken. We will go to a Hot Rod show so they can become comfortable with me in public. Small steps but in the right direction!

Hugs,

Allie

Allie ..Things are progressing so well for you. I’m sure your daughter will enjoy her time with you. Your spirit is just coming through every post. You are positive, happy, looking forward to the future and really showing your truth in all ways. It just makes me so happy seeing you enjoy life. Even the scary things for you seem easier.

And yes your country is so gorgeous and acceptance seems very strong there. I’m sure the U S can say the same is some places not so much in others, but it is slowly getting out there. There is a lot of people stuck in there ways, some brought up that way, others through religion and then the ones who just feel threatened around people who are different. Either way it’s all an excuse to dislike someone that make them feel uncomfortable.
People avoid what they fear. I believe if they could understand our pain, figure out our oint of view and see who we really are. They just wouldn’t care. Then again, I do live in the Bible Belt, in the south and oh yeah..Texas.
So things do happen slower.

In the end I realize it’s about me not them, I need to overcome people, overcome fear and overcome my own issues. It’s not up to them. It’s all on me. Your living proof of success and happiness on the other side. I enjoy every post.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 31, 2020, 10:49:35 am
Thanks so much Nicole, I think I am lucky it all comes so easy in my community. The other thing is that I don’t expect too much. I wore all female clothing to work yesterday, though I still looked androgynous with out unisex polo top uniform. I had to present to an aged care group in their 70’s to 90’s, and my colleague introduced me to the group as Allie. I thought if I’m ever going to get negative reactions, it will be now. I spoke to the group during a 1 hour tour of our aquarium, and answered their questions about marine life, and they all addressed me as Allie, but some used male pronouns.

I am not sensitive to pronouns, or even people calling me a man or using my soon to be dead name, so I didn’t react to the oldies. At the end each one came to me and said how much they enjoyed my tour and I realised my gender wasn’t an issue for any of them, just how I did my job, and that made me so happy.

My daughter arrived last night and my grandkids ran to me oblivious to my plain green female tee, and floral capri pants. After hugs my daughter said I looked nice, not at all OTT! She had an image of a drag queen in her head, and was worried how she could cope. I smiled an told her I was all about flying under the radar, not standing out, and she was very relieved, and later told me sh was very comfortable with my presentation.

It highlighted to me the preconceived ideas many people have that we need to overcome, and how important this step with my daughter was. She was stressing before coming to see me, even rang her brother the night before to talk to him about it, and now her fears are gone. It must be so much harder living in a bible belt, or among conservative people with images of OTT crossdressers in their heads, and you are right Nicole, you just have to overcome them and show them who you really are. Even that group of oldies saw me for who I am, not my gender or expression and it gave me so much confidence going into full time at work!

Hugs,

Allie


 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: RandyL on January 31, 2020, 02:24:58 pm
Hi Allie, I just sort of skate around the forums without really following many threads, I think because I'm so conflicted myself. But I dropped into your thread back in December and realized our marriages have a lot in common. Now I just went back to the beginning and read this whole thread. What a story you have!

I'm glad that your transition and acceptance are progressing so well, and sorry you are getting divorced. I understand the pain this causes but also see and understand how the decision can be a relief.

My wife and I decided some months ago to divorce while also remaining best friends and even travelling together. We were both relieved and happier for several days. But then the inherent strength of our relationship got the better of us and we resolved to stay together and make it work. We've been doing pretty well most days, but the issue of my femme presentation still causes trouble if I don't handle it right.

I hope and pray that the two of you are able to negotiate this social transition and remain happy together. Hugs, Randy

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 31, 2020, 04:22:28 pm
Hi Allie, I just sort of skate around the forums without really following many threads, I think because I'm so conflicted myself. But I dropped into your thread back in December and realized our marriages have a lot in common. Now I just went back to the beginning and read this whole thread. What a story you have!

I'm glad that your transition and acceptance are progressing so well, and sorry you are getting divorced. I understand the pain this causes but also see and understand how the decision can be a relief.

My wife and I decided some months ago to divorce while also remaining best friends and even travelling together. We were both relieved and happier for several days. But then the inherent strength of our relationship got the better of us and we resolved to stay together and make it work. We've been doing pretty well most days, but the issue of my femme presentation still causes trouble if I don't handle it right.

I hope and pray that the two of you are able to negotiate this social transition and remain happy together. Hugs, Randy

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Thank you Randy, and it helps to know there are others in a similar position. I am almost full time, I haven't worn male clothes for nearly 2 weeks, and I am typing this with my grandson on my knee as my wife and daughter are making breakfast. I think my soon to be ex is coping with this (our divorce court date is April 2nd) though she still has quiet times. I am super sensitive to her needs, and have been working though my transition plan for a year now, but we are in the final phase with just over a month before I get rid of all my male things. I guess it might take a couple of months before I know if she is over the line with acceptance.

Best wishes for your relationship, I know you have been working at it as hard as me, but we won't know until we do!!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 06, 2020, 03:37:20 am
Finally got my application for name change on my Birth Certificate in. At the last minute, my wife asked me to delay it until after our divorce court date on April 2 as she was worried me changing names might interfere with the court proceedings. I reminded her our lawyer said this wouldn't be a problem, but I had to wait 2 days while we got a second confirmation. Due to the number of people who lost all their documents in the bushfires, the processing time was doubled from 2 weeks to 4 weeks, so I won't have my new Birth Certificate until the first week of March. The crazy thing is that I have to make seperate applications for name change and gender change, so I won't get my full certificate until June!

I need my new BC so I can get my bank, tax, and retirement fund changed, and I have a deadline of March 31 with my payroll dep't so I can formally transition at work in April. I also need my licence changed, but I've found out I can do this before I get my birth certificate. Then I can start changing the dozens of other documents with my old ID.

Strange thing happened, I had spent 3 weeks as myself and I had to revert to my male presentation for a day. No biggie I thought, but within a couple of hours of being in the offending clothes, I was bad tempered and breaking things. This hasn't happened for a year, and I was very disappointed with myself. I had to attend work a couple of days later, and I was worried, but we were so busy I couldn't concentrate on my appearance.

I weakened and wore female clothes the next day at work, but I had an excuse. We were having a monthly meeting and part of it was to present me with my Allie name badges. It felt great to work as myself, but I have to go back to male presentation at work for another 7 weeks so as not to confuse people. Of course, unless there is another excuse...

Hugs,

Allie

 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 09, 2020, 11:04:17 pm
Finally got my application for name change on my Birth Certificate in. At the last minute, my wife asked me to delay it until after our divorce court date on April 2 as she was worried me changing names might interfere with the court proceedings. I reminded her our lawyer said this wouldn't be a problem, but I had to wait 2 days while we got a second confirmation. Due to the number of people who lost all their documents in the bushfires, the processing time was doubled from 2 weeks to 4 weeks, so I won't have my new Birth Certificate until the first week of March. The crazy thing is that I have to make seperate applications for name change and gender change, so I won't get my full certificate until June!

I need my new BC so I can get my bank, tax, and retirement fund changed, and I have a deadline of March 31 with my payroll dep't so I can formally transition at work in April. I also need my licence changed, but I've found out I can do this before I get my birth certificate. Then I can start changing the dozens of other documents with my old ID.

Strange thing happened, I had spent 3 weeks as myself and I had to revert to my male presentation for a day. No biggie I thought, but within a couple of hours of being in the offending clothes, I was bad tempered and breaking things. This hasn't happened for a year, and I was very disappointed with myself. I had to attend work a couple of days later, and I was worried, but we were so busy I couldn't concentrate on my appearance.

I weakened and wore female clothes the next day at work, but I had an excuse. We were having a monthly meeting and part of it was to present me with my Allie name badges. It felt great to work as myself, but I have to go back to male presentation at work for another 7 weeks so as not to confuse people. Of course, unless there is another excuse...

Hugs,

Allie

 

Allie.....Grief.....Your current life sounds more like a long form question on a law review or Bar exam. The paperwork alone is confusing...forget the 7 weeks of people who come see you. Lol....

But who cares about the paperwork...it will happen...The good part is you get to be you. Allie is out and she isn’t going away. That is the best part of everything everyday.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 10, 2020, 12:21:57 am
Thanks Nicole, yes they are all just hurdles, and we have to cross them! But, one by one I'm getting over them. hopefully one day there will be a finish line. I haven't been happy for over a couple of months, and I initially put it down to the divorce, but I should have gotten over that. I have had periods where I've felt I couldn't go on with this, and that it was never going to work for me. (Yep, it happens to us all!) I think I have figured out what has been bothering me.

I have strong doubts about my last blood test in December. My E levels more than doubled, and I asked my endo if it was because blood was drawn close to the start of a new dose, as my previous bloods were drawn at the end of a dose period. My endo said patches deliver evenly throughout, but I know I am more emotional when new patches go on. So he didn't increase my dose as we planned.

Shortly after that, my breasts stopped hurting and I had a strong feeling nothing was happening. I was distracted by my divorce, and it is only recently I've felt I have been let down by my endo. I am confident my blood tests next month will confirm my E levels are way below target levels, and I have wasted 3 months development. It is even worse as these were critical months before I go full time. So I recognised the unhappiness I have been feeling, it is dysphoria, similar what I was feeling on the lead up to my health collapse. It has been kicked off by this period of no development. At least it hasn't been a severe as recent attacks.

So this is only a theory until I get my blood test done. If it shows target level E, I will be at a loss to explain my unhappiness, but if it shows levels well below my last results I will be having stern words with my endo. Worst thing is another 4 weeks wait until I know and can access a higher dose, and only 8 weeks til I am full time at work. Just have to get through it.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 10, 2020, 10:47:12 pm
Thanks Nicole, yes they are all just hurdles, and we have to cross them! But, one by one I'm getting over them. hopefully one day there will be a finish line. I haven't been happy for over a couple of months, and I initially put it down to the divorce, but I should have gotten over that. I have had periods where I've felt I couldn't go on with this, and that it was never going to work for me. (Yep, it happens to us all!) I think I have figured out what has been bothering me.

I have strong doubts about my last blood test in December. My E levels more than doubled, and I asked my endo if it was because blood was drawn close to the start of a new dose, as my previous bloods were drawn at the end of a dose period. My endo said patches deliver evenly throughout, but I know I am more emotional when new patches go on. So he didn't increase my dose as we planned.

Shortly after that, my breasts stopped hurting and I had a strong feeling nothing was happening. I was distracted by my divorce, and it is only recently I've felt I have been let down by my endo. I am confident my blood tests next month will confirm my E levels are way below target levels, and I have wasted 3 months development. It is even worse as these were critical months before I go full time. So I recognised the unhappiness I have been feeling, it is dysphoria, similar what I was feeling on the lead up to my health collapse. It has been kicked off by this period of no development. At least it hasn't been a severe as recent attacks.

So this is only a theory until I get my blood test done. If it shows target level E, I will be at a loss to explain my unhappiness, but if it shows levels well below my last results I will be having stern words with my endo. Worst thing is another 4 weeks wait until I know and can access a higher dose, and only 8 weeks til I am full time at work. Just have to get through it.

Allie

Allie...what a rollercoaster huh.... I feel your pain just in a different timeline...I have my E levels getting checked at end of the month. Since starting legit E in November( a small dose) I keep looking for that big jump. Looking for that omen of E taking over, but Ter my 1st check up a month ago...I was quite male still. Normal T, low E. Doc doubled it. Not sure E is in control yet but I have noticed( as of Yesturday) my chest has grown some. It’s know of I don’t lose more weight it means zero at this point. Oh well. It’s the “Estrogen levels blues”...Lol.

Seroiusly...I’m sure all of the big changes you had drove your excitement and pump you up above the Dysphoria a bit. Also traveling with the family was a huge help.  Seems now, like all this complicated paperwork stuff, the divorce, the big change at work... it is all weighing on you. It would drive up anyone’s anxiety. Your taking on a lot, pushing forward through the hard stuff and wondering if you are ready.

Trust me, from your posts, your attitude, your joy of being Allie, you are ready to get on with the happy times. Life will calm down, your E will take over and normal life as Allie will bring that joy your missing. ...And I look forward to reading about it. Hang in there...just a little longer....it’s Allies time.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 11, 2020, 01:43:27 am
Thanks Nicole, Yes it's all part of the rollercoaster! I got an email from Births, Deaths, and Marriages today, they have completed my new birth certificate and it's in the mail. I officially have a dead name!!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Julie H on February 11, 2020, 06:53:28 am
Congratulations
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on February 11, 2020, 07:59:06 am
Congratulations Allie!  I hope this helps you feel better.  You know, you have come so far in recent months, I wonder if your blues aren't just the emotional equivalent of catching your breath.  You have been on quite a sprint.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 11, 2020, 10:05:15 am
Congratulations Allie!  I hope this helps you feel better.  You know, you have come so far in recent months, I wonder if your blues aren't just the emotional equivalent of catching your breath.  You have been on quite a sprint.

Thank you Julie and Randi. I have recognised my blues as the same sort of melancholy leading up to my health collapse. It’s dysphoria, driven by lack of results from HRT. As soon as I recognised this and made a plan to put pressure on my Endo I started to feel better, similar to when I was diagnosed Trans and decided to go ahead with treatment. I don’t know why it takes me so long to recognise dysphoria attacks, but I keep blaming other things first.

I will have my new Birth Certificate in my hands in a matter of hours, and that is a huge step forward for me, but a huge step back for my wife. I forwarded her the email I got, and she read it in a crowded staff room during a break. She had to hold back tears. She sees the little wins I have like doing our grocery shopping as me, much like another nail in the coffin of the husband she so dearly loves but is losing. The Birth Certificate news was like a stake into the heart of her former husband, and she is really grieving. Before we went to bed last night I went to her with my eyes full of tears and told her I loved her and never wanted to cause her this pain. She hugged me and said she knew that, but it still hurts.

I will celebrate officially being Allie with my co workers today, but I will also be thinking of the person I love most on this planet mourning the loss of her husband.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 11, 2020, 02:18:55 pm
I will celebrate officially being Allie with my co workers today, but I will also be thinking of the person I love most on this planet mourning the loss of her husband.


First congratulations to you Allie on your birth cert update, that's quite a milestone.

We never want to hurt the ones we love when transitioning, the grieving process can really take a while (based on my own experiences).

It's a really difficult situation, you have my sympathies.

Take care

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 11, 2020, 03:01:29 pm
Thanks Nicole, Yes it's all part of the rollercoaster! I got an email from Births, Deaths, and Marriages today, they have completed my new birth certificate and it's in the mail. I officially have a dead name!!

Hugs,

Allie

Allie is alive and well....the woman inside has officially taken over. 💥🥳😁.

Glad they got it done! Congrats 🎊

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 11, 2020, 03:11:17 pm

I will have my new Birth Certificate in my hands in a matter of hours, and that is a huge step forward for me, but a huge step back for my wife. I forwarded her the email I got, and she read it in a crowded staff room during a break. She had to hold back tears. She sees the little wins I have like doing our grocery shopping as me, much like another nail in the coffin of the husband she so dearly loves but is losing. The Birth Certificate news was like a stake into the heart of her former husband, and she is really grieving. Before we went to bed last night I went to her with my eyes full of tears and told her I loved her and never wanted to cause her this pain. She hugged me and said she knew that, but it still hurts.


Allie I dread this day...big time. I have been hoping the best for that situation but I’m sure it’s the toughest thing she will ever go through. My hope is .....like the grieving process you go through.....the final step is acceptance.

Remember it’s the process of pain you go through to get that joy of finally being you. Huge hugs..I know this is hard. May the love between you shine through.

Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 19, 2020, 12:18:17 am
Well, my dead name is all but that! I have changed my drivers licence, tax dept, both public and private health memberships, bank accounts, retirement fund, payroll and employer id, e mail account, facebook, working with children ID, medical providers, and have my new passport application in. It is surreal to look at all my cards with my real name on them, and getting mail and email addressed to Allie.

There are still lots of other accounts to change, but the big ones are done. I thought I would be a bit more elated with my name on all my documents, but, although it feels good, and I keep looking at them, I didn't get emotional. I think that might be due to the fact my soon to be ex wife has been less than enthusiastic. She has been quiet lately, and I knew this would be a difficult time for her. This morning she told me she would never go on a scuba diving holiday with me again as she can't be with me wearing a swim suit. She said she is planning trips without me.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 19, 2020, 04:11:32 am
Well, my dead name is all but that! I have changed my drivers licence, tax dept, both public and private health memberships, bank accounts, retirement fund, payroll and employer id, e mail account, facebook, working with children ID, medical providers, and have my new passport application in. It is surreal to look at all my cards with my real name on them, and getting mail and email addressed to Allie.

There are still lots of other accounts to change, but the big ones are done. I thought I would be a bit more elated with my name on all my documents, but, although it feels good, and I keep looking at them, I didn't get emotional. I think that might be due to the fact my soon to be ex wife has been less than enthusiastic. She has been quiet lately, and I knew this would be a difficult time for her. This morning she told me she would never go on a scuba diving holiday with me again as she can't be with me wearing a swim suit. She said she is planning trips without me.

Allie


You sure have been busy with all of the name related changes.  :)
Have a great day today.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on February 19, 2020, 06:18:30 am
Congratulations on major, major milestones Allie.  Your life is a dream no longer, and I am so happy for you. And let me give you a big hug.  Both in congratulations and as solace for hearing unkind words from your partner.  I am so sorry that happened to you.  But people do change their minds, and I hope that's the case here.  Best wishes hun.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on February 19, 2020, 06:48:43 am
Hi Allie.  I have gotten caught up on your thread and progress.  You and I are have a parallel tragedy, transitioning with a spouse.  Your transition is far ahead of mine so your wife's exposure to the finality of your choice is more advanced.

I expect that my wife, in all fairness, will follow yours.  We are the "other woman" who stole their husband.  You are right, every transitional success for us is another nail in their husbands coffin.  They just don't accept it as the cure that we are forced to choose.  In fairness to them it is a raw reality to accept.

Separately, congratulations on everything you have accomplished.  It is so great to read the happiness in your words.  You absolutely deserve it!

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 19, 2020, 09:24:55 am
Allie I'm sorry to rad about your wife's statement concerning holidays.  Hopefully she will come around.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 19, 2020, 11:44:38 am
Well, my dead name is all but that! I have changed my drivers licence, tax dept, both public and private health memberships, bank accounts, retirement fund, payroll and employer id, e mail account, facebook, working with children ID, medical providers, and have my new passport application in. It is surreal to look at all my cards with my real name on them, and getting mail and email addressed to Allie.

There are still lots of other accounts to change, but the big ones are done. I thought I would be a bit more elated with my name on all my documents, but, although it feels good, and I keep looking at them, I didn't get emotional. I think that might be due to the fact my soon to be ex wife has been less than enthusiastic. She has been quiet lately, and I knew this would be a difficult time for her. This morning she told me she would never go on a scuba diving holiday with me again as she can't be with me wearing a swim suit. She said she is planning trips without me.

Allie

Allie...It’s so painful to read those words..Your wife is hurting so much over this. It’s not only a loss of husband but almost a rejection of her. They feel that they aren’t enough of a woman to keep you a man. We know that’s not true, but emotions and there minds play tricks in there mourning process. I see it with my own wife daily.

I also believe they have a sense of embarrassment too. There in a spotlight next to you. They are the woman with that trans husband ( fingers pointing, under breath comments) That is tough enough for us to feel, they live this by proxy. It seems like Emma said....every milestone we conquer, every celebration we have, is just another finality they deal with in there loss. Like I said I feel and see that pain everyday.

I still have hope for you, hope that this transition period can transform your relationship back to the great friendship you had to start. Then best friends lead to soulmates again just in a different box. I wish nothing but love for you as I know the full come out at work happens in just a few short weeks. Big hugs honey. Hang in there.

Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Julie H on February 19, 2020, 11:49:13 am
Hugs Allie I am sorry to hear about your wife.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Maddie on February 19, 2020, 12:40:54 pm
Oh Allie.
Ditto what others have expressed,  and HUGS for you.
I am proud of you and everyone here who has honestly faced up with their partners about your reality. 
Seems it is not something that many want in their life. Being true holds value for me.
Congratulations for the name changes hon.  That is something important for you.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 19, 2020, 01:27:33 pm
Thank you everybody for your comments and support. I knew this phase of my transition would be the hardest on my wife. Reality is here for both of us. Her husband has just been officially killed off, no more nails in the coffin, I just buried him. She is reacting as part of the phases she must go through, and I can only support her through this.

We are going scuba diving on my boat this weekend and hopefully there will be 2 or 3 others with us. This will inevitably mean they will see me with my crop bikini top. Nobody will make a fuss, and we will have a good time, so this will get her used to the idea. If we do this a few more times, it will become normal, and I’m hoping she will change her stance on seperate holidays.

My name change this month will be less of a challenge for her than me going full time next month. I am me 80% of the time now, doing the grocery shopping, other shopping, going to the doctors, and taking my grandkids to play centres and pools. She sees me doing these things but refuses to join me. Yet, a month ago we were holidaying in another state, and after a week of being me I asked her how she was coping being with me in public, and she said, until I mentioned it, she had forgotten how I was dressed. I’m guessing that as the year progresses she will fall into the normality of it all, and her mourning will subside.

There is another aspect to all of this. I have been disappointed in my lack of development in the past months, and I am confident my endo has made mistakes with my treatment. Though I present as female, I still get misgendered regularly, and while I can handle this, I know it causes great embarrassment for my wife. I will push hard to get my blood E levels into transition range so I can get my feminisation on track, and I’m going to tell my endo my relationship might depend on the results.

I’m guessing I will know by mid year if my relationship will survive, and I have accepted that it might not. If it doesn’t, I know I will have done everything I could to save it, so I won’t feel guilty. My dysphoria levels in the past months have shown me I needed to move forward at the rate I have been, and these things had to happen at some time. If I had my choice I would never have exposed her to any of this, as I proved over the past 35 years of refusing to transition, but I no longer have that choice. I must transition, and I hope I can keep my relationship with my wife, as I have been fortunate to maintain all the other relationships in my life. Time will tell.

Hugs back for all your support!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 20, 2020, 09:14:54 am
I believe part of why your wife was not bothered by your dressing/presentation while on holiday was because it was not in her home locality.  She knew no one there and therefore no one would judge her.  She may still come around...

Don't fret over your development progress.  Remember that puberty is a multi year event.  After four years, I've been experiencing a bit of unexpected activity so give it time.
 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 20, 2020, 01:03:58 pm
I believe part of why your wife was not bothered by your dressing/presentation while on holiday was because it was not in her home locality.  She knew no one there and therefore no one would judge her.  She may still come around...

Don't fret over your development progress.  Remember that puberty is a multi year event.  After four years, I've been experiencing a bit of unexpected activity so give it time.
 

Thanks Judi!  Time will help with all my concerns, but my blood E levels are only a third of my target levels after almost a year, so it’s time to push my endo!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JanePlain on February 20, 2020, 05:34:52 pm
Thanks Judi!  Time will help with all my concerns, but my blood E levels are only a third of my target levels after almost a year, so it’s time to push my endo!

Hugs,

Allie

Allie your story is like.... Netflix (in a good way)  I bing watch shows and I think this is maybe the second time I've read this thread.  I really think you hit the nail on the head.  If your being misgendered in front of your wife is probably more distressing then being with you interacting with the people you work with that have been so supportive. Maybe its me being simple but I get the impression that its become more common (And thus less weirding out) when two women are together.  I think during the middle of transition its more difficult and this is probably more a numbers thing.  Anyway I wanted to say that I hope your wife finds out how much we are pulling for her to work things out and for both of you to find happiness.  She has a rooting section that is hoping she can handle things and not see it as her "husband" going away but the person she fell in love with getting these health issues addressed.  You are always going to be you but without the dysphoria.  As far as Marriage versus best friends or roomates I wish I could come up with a magic solution.  Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic but I always have hopes that when this becomes the new normal for couples like you that you don't have to sleep in different rooms and give up being intimate.   

Switching gears - I'm not a doctor so this is just my thoughts on the subject but do you think its maybe how your estrogen is transfered? Its my observation that at least a few women have commented how the patch is not effective (Strength wise) I think it might be down to the dose of the patch (number and frequency)  or the ability of your skin to transfer things transdermaly?  Maybe a question worth asking the endo.  If nothing else I think you have given what he has tried a couple chances so maybe a second opinion is in order or at least a change.  I admit I perfer the gels or spray but I've done injections in the past and if thats what I'm facing "pills, Patches or injections" I'll take injections simply because I've known them to work.

Pam are you around?  Maybe she can give a more educated statement about the patch and if one is better then the other or if there are more then a few who can't get into range with them.

Its that or we fill Allie's scuba suit with estrogel!  :D
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 20, 2020, 07:44:02 pm
Thank you for your comments Jane! I will pass on the rooting comment to my soon to be ex wife. Though she’s not overly receptive of late. We were best friends for 11 years before she start talking about commitment, and we got married. She knew about my being trans, and some 5 years after getting married, my T was so low I couldn’t perform, so we went to seperate bedrooms. This has worked well for the last 15 years, I was Allie full time at home, being the housewife, and we were back to being best friends. HRT hasn’t really changed me that much, but I am out in public now, and that is where her problem is. I do think it would be easier on her if I passed, but that is unlikely ever, so I just hope that she sees that I am treated well, and that her problem is only her problem.

My issue with my endo is that he believes the patches deliver evenly throughout their life, but I know I feel different with a new patch on. All my blood tests were done on the last day of the patch, and all my levels were way down on target. The last test was done the day after applying a new patch, and my E levels jumped from 211 (intl) to 558 (intl) so he didn’t go with the planned dose increase. I am confident that last reading is incorrect, and my levels are still in the 200’s, and I want them to be in the 800’s! I got a blood test done yesterday, on the last day of my patches, and I am ready to put my foot down if the E level is as I expect. I will have wasted 4 months of no development and this has been causing me significant dysphoria, plus I really needed more feminising effects in the lead up to my going full time. I am ready to tell the Endo that not only has it caused me problems, it is threatening my relationship with my wife.

I will stay on patches if my dose goes up, if only to prove my feelings are right, and next review, I will switch to gel I think. I have to say, I am generally disappointed in the medical profession. I have had to lead them most of the way so far in my transition, even my Psych jokes she is learning more from me than giving advice. From now on, I will take the lead with my endo as it is critical I keep up my development.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 21, 2020, 12:16:45 am
Thank you for your comments Jane! I will pass on the rooting comment to my soon to be ex wife. Though she’s not overly receptive of late. We were best friends for 11 years before she start talking about commitment, and we got married. She knew about my being trans, and some 5 years after getting married, my T was so low I couldn’t perform, so we went to seperate bedrooms. This has worked well for the last 15 years, I was Allie full time at home, being the housewife, and we were back to being best friends. HRT hasn’t really changed me that much, but I am out in public now, and that is where her problem is. I do think it would be easier on her if I passed, but that is unlikely ever, so I just hope that she sees that I am treated well, and that her problem is only her problem.

My issue with my endo is that he believes the patches deliver evenly throughout their life, but I know I feel different with a new patch on. All my blood tests were done on the last day of the patch, and all my levels were way down on target. The last test was done the day after applying a new patch, and my E levels jumped from 211 (intl) to 558 (intl) so he didn’t go with the planned dose increase. I am confident that last reading is incorrect, and my levels are still in the 200’s, and I want them to be in the 800’s! I got a blood test done yesterday, on the last day of my patches, and I am ready to put my foot down if the E level is as I expect. I will have wasted 4 months of no development and this has been causing me significant dysphoria, plus I really needed more feminising effects in the lead up to my going full time. I am ready to tell the Endo that not only has it caused me problems, it is threatening my relationship with my wife.

I will stay on patches if my dose goes up, if only to prove my feelings are right, and next review, I will switch to gel I think. I have to say, I am generally disappointed in the medical profession. I have had to lead them most of the way so far in my transition, even my Psych jokes she is learning more from me than giving advice. From now on, I will take the lead with my endo as it is critical I keep up my development.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie...real shame your fighting through this so much with your Endo. Makes me think if it doesn’t come together, look for a new one. Sometimes it’s well worth the trouble. I really hope your doc gets on board, and puts those levels right ASAP. I mean all decisions are made, your out to the world, name change and all. Time to turn it up a notch.

I’ll be watching to see how this goes for you, it’s been the least of concerns with everything else you are taking on. Who knew the professional doctor is the one who’s not doing there job.....

Hopefully they can get you pumped up like it’s full puberty all over again, you deserve it. You also deserve every chance to keep your wife close by. I’ll be thinking about you.

Big hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 21, 2020, 01:19:21 am
Thank you Nicole, I know you are always in my corner! It is hard to find an endocrinologist with trans experience here, and there can be a 4 month wait to get an appointment. And they are all in another city so I can have to make a 4 hour return trip to see them. My current endo sees me on Skype, so I can do it on my lunch break, so I will work with him for a bit to see if he will get with the program. I should have been at my target levels well before my first year anniversary!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 21, 2020, 05:44:53 am
My manager called me into her office today to tell me HR had finished changing all my records to reflect my new name and gender, so from today I was officially Allie at work! She asked me if I could bring my 15th April full time at work forward to next Monday, but I said I had still a lot of things to do including new hair colour and ear piercing, so we will stick with the original date. But it's 7 weeks away....

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on February 21, 2020, 08:44:28 am
Congratulations Allie.  Sounds extremely supportive, and it looks like they can't wait for you to come to work as you.  Not a bad problem to have!  Is your reticence due to your partner, or is it internal within you?
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 21, 2020, 08:49:45 am
Wow talk about aggressive support!  I understand that you may have slight difficulty with this fast approaching date, but do your best and know the team there supports you.
Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on February 21, 2020, 10:23:02 am
Allie when I read your thread today it hit me that how many and massively different types obstacles that we have to overcome to just be ourselves.

This process puts a Marine Corp obstacle course to shame.  We all could teach a class in obstinacy and determination!

It is really great to read about each of your successes.  Hopefully the endo issues will be resolved for you soon.


Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 21, 2020, 10:49:36 am
My manager called me into her office today to tell me HR had finished changing all my records to reflect my new name and gender, so from today I was officially Allie at work! She asked me if I could bring my 15th April full time at work forward to next Monday, but I said I had still a lot of things to do including new hair colour and ear piercing, so we will stick with the original date. But it's 7 weeks away....

Allie

Allie....Just how crazy is that....your work wants you to turn it up a notch, not the other way around...lol. That’s actually pretty great. But you have to be ready...any woman knows it takes time for a woman to get ready to go out for a night.  Your actually coming out to the entire place for life. A few weeks more is understandable. Also the hair color, the earrings, (*cough* ...your Endo doing his job...* cough*) You know that’s really important stuff. Got to hit the runway with confidence. I really look forward to the pictures of that day.

You do have the right to make it as great a first day back as possible...but ....just remember....It will not be perfect no matter how hard you try. Something is bound to be off a little bit. It’s inevitable something small you’ll probably forget about later. So don’t stress as much about it. The finish line to this stage is dead ahead. I’m positive your smile in those pictures of that day will radiate your beauty through anything that might not have been right yet.

Makes me so excited for you ( and nervous too...I won’t lie, I would be) Either way you have control here. That means a lot Im sure. Allie is officially on the scene in writing, mind and spirit  your job can wait to see your full BODY of  work.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 21, 2020, 11:02:08 am
Thank you all for your responses!

Randi, I have a salon appointment to get my hair coloured, and ears pierced at the end on March, then I have a 2 week vacation at the start of April to concentrate on voice training. This is so when I start back at work as me, there will be a visible and audible difference. As our uniform is unisex, the only difference I could make now would be shoes and maybe a scrunchie in my ponytail, so I wouldn’t feel different, and nobody would treat me differently. I need to make an obvious statement so others will not be confused.

Yes Judi, I have amazing support at work, and if we get a student free day, I do go to work as Allie.

Emma, if I needed to hire someone with tenacity, I would give preference to someone who had transitioned. To overcome all the obstacles placed in front of us, particularly the painful ones like electrolysis and surgeries, is surely character building.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 21, 2020, 11:11:48 am
Nicole, you are right with me, and seem to understand the way I think! I like to be associated with success, and that takes planning, and I tend to stick to the plan so I know the outcome. While it would be fun to switch over now at work, there would be confusion. I found this out a couple of weeks ago when one of my colleagues introduced me by my female name and pronouns to a group, and while the group accepted me and thanked me for my presentations, they did use male pronouns. I need to be more obvious in my gender presentation so people are confident how to address me.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Maddie on February 21, 2020, 11:19:25 am
Allie, thank you for sharing the work transition developments in a detailed way. Good to know.  Congratulations on sticking with your winning success associated plan.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 21, 2020, 03:00:20 pm
Allie, thank you for sharing the work transition developments in a detailed way. Good to know.  Congratulations on sticking with your winning success associated plan.

Thanks Maddie! I get one shot at this and I want to do it right, plus I am me everywhere else!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 21, 2020, 10:48:03 pm
Thanks Maddie! I get one shot at this and I want to do it right, plus I am me everywhere else!

Hugs,

Allie

Allie...one shot?....yes and no... I one shot to make the first impression as Allie agreed. But you now have a lifetime to perfect the rest of it. And perfect it you will. Let’s face it you’ve been Allie for years now. The gentle nature, the nurturing manner you have and the mind of a woman is no doubt. Just got to touch up the presentation.

On a personal note I hope you blow them all away. I mean go for broke. Get some shaper shorts, the bra to enhance ( since your Endo isn’t helping as much there ATM) fake nails,  some dangling earrings and the perfect shoes and purse to match. Go knock them all for a loop. You deserve to feel as girly as you can be.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 22, 2020, 12:10:06 am
Allie...one shot?....yes and no... I one shot to make the first impression as Allie agreed. But you now have a lifetime to perfect the rest of it. And perfect it you will. Let’s face it you’ve been Allie for years now. The gentle nature, the nurturing manner you have and the mind of a woman is no doubt. Just got to touch up the presentation.

On a personal note I hope you blow them all away. I mean go for broke. Get some shaper shorts, the bra to enhance ( since your Endo isn’t helping as much there ATM) fake nails,  some dangling earrings and the perfect shoes and purse to match. Go knock them all for a loop. You deserve to feel as girly as you can be.

Hugs
Nicole

Thanks Nicole, but I hope the blonde hair and moderate hoop earrings with a bit of makeup will be enough for everyone to easily understand I am presenting as female and expect to be treated as one. It will help existing staff see a difference, and so remind them how to address me. They have been using a mix of names for 3 months, so I hope this will make it easier for them. Unfortunately I have to wear the same unisex uniform and it isn't at all flattering...

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 25, 2020, 02:23:52 am
The last of my plastic cards arrived today and my purse only has things with my name in it now. I got my licence card today, and was actually happy with the new photo! I laid all my cards on the counter and it hit me that this is really happening. After a lifetime of dreaming of being Allie, it has taken me a bit to accept the dream has come true.

I am officially Allie!


(https://i.imgur.com/hCaWYiLl.jpg)



Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on February 25, 2020, 02:32:27 am
The last of my plastic cards arrived today and my purse only has things with my name in it now. I got my licence card today, and was actually happy with the new photo! I laid all my cards on the counter and it hit me that this is really happening. After a lifetime of dreaming of being Allie, it has taken me a bit to accept the dream has come true.

I am officially Allie!


(https://i.imgur.com/hCaWYiLl.jpg)
Awww that’s wonderful! Congratulations! Xx


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Julie H on February 25, 2020, 07:10:05 am
Congratulations
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on February 25, 2020, 07:54:39 am
Congratulations!  I am so happy for you.  Has junk mail started arriving for Allie yet?   ;)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Maddie on February 25, 2020, 09:17:12 am
Hooray!!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 25, 2020, 10:30:23 am
Hey!  That looks like you!!  Congratulations.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 25, 2020, 02:29:55 pm
Thank you all, it is a significant step to see your real name on official documents and photo ID’s, but like Randi said, I’ll know I’m there when the junk mail starts! I hope it isn’t for auto parts or hardware....

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on February 25, 2020, 04:11:22 pm
Thank you all, it is a significant step te see your real name on official documents and photo ID’s, but like Rand said, I’ll know I’m there when the junk mail starts! I hope it isn’t for auto parts or hardware....

Hugs,

Allie
Hee hee - you know even junk mail is great when it’s got ur real name on!


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Maddie on February 26, 2020, 07:56:47 am
At some point I will mail out a donation for needy kids or to fight heart disease from my home address. 
Right now still enjoying having a more empty mailbox.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 26, 2020, 07:44:14 pm
I saw your ID....I love it. You don’t look like a man trying to be female. You don’t look like something in between.
You look like any everyday woman I’d see at the store.

In other words...YOU ARE ALLIE....YEAAAAAA.......

ITS SO EXCITING TO SEE IT.  Cool part is you haven’t even turned on the the full make over yet. Just wait. Your gonna knock em dead. Unisex, plain uniform or not. I have a feeling they will get to know your name and be treating you as the woman you are. I’m very excited for you. It makes me smile. Trust me I need the smile.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 26, 2020, 08:41:30 pm
I saw your ID....I love it. You don’t look like a man trying to be female. You don’t look like something in between.
You look like any everyday woman I’d see at the store.

In other words...YOU ARE ALLIE....YEAAAAAA.......

ITS SO EXCITING TO SEE IT.  Cool part is you haven’t even turned on the the full make over yet. Just wait. Your gonna knock em dead. Unisex, plain uniform or not. I have a feeling they will get to know your name and be treating you as the woman you are. I’m very excited for you. It makes me smile. Trust me I need the smile.

Hugs
Nicole

Nicole, Thank you for your lovely compliments! I post because I want to share, but also I want members like you to see that this stuff does happen, and it will happen for you someday. It is an exciting time for me and a tough time for her, so I need to support her through this. it's all part of the challenge of transitioning with a partner, but, so far, we are getting through it!

The first day of my new identity at work has been pushed forward a couple of weeks! The day after my makeover, I have to attend a multicultural event for work. It will be interesting on my first day at work as Allie, talking to newly arrived migrants, many from cultures which punish trans people. My boss thinks it is a great way to demonstrate that Australia is inclusive, though I think she has me really jumping in at the deep end!! I see it as a great opportunity to change attitudes, but a real challenge for my first day!!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on February 26, 2020, 09:35:25 pm
Nicole, Thank you for your lovely compliments! I post because I want to share, but also I want members like you to see that this stuff does happen, and it will happen for you someday. It is an exciting time for me and a tough time for her, so I need to support her through this. it's all part of the challenge of transitioning with a partner, but, so far, we are getting through it!

The first day of my new identity at work has been pushed forward a couple of weeks! The day after my makeover, I have to attend a multicultural event for work. It will be interesting on my first day at work as Allie, talking to newly arrived migrants, many from cultures which punish trans people. My boss thinks it is a great way to demonstrate that Australia is inclusive, though I think she has me really jumping in at the deep end!! I see it as a great opportunity to change attitudes, but a real challenge for my first day!!

Hugs,

Allie

Allie....what a compliment to you too. Putting you in that position shows your not only ready for it but your boss trusts you too. Work seems so supportive, it’s a great situation you have there. Still.........I’m sure I’d be quite nervous too. Either way good stuff.

Hugs
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 29, 2020, 03:01:45 pm
My soon to be ex wife gave me the best Birthday present possible!

A very Happy Allie!!!


(http://i.imgur.com/5CKnjlP.jpg) (https://imgur.com/5CKnjlP)


(http://i.imgur.com/VBGprZD.jpg) (https://imgur.com/VBGprZD)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 29, 2020, 05:33:13 pm
This is sweet and shows me you have a beautiful friend for life.

Happy Birthday!!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 29, 2020, 05:50:52 pm
My soon to be ex wife gave me the best Birthday present possible!

A very Happy Allie!!!


(http://i.imgur.com/5CKnjlP.jpg) (https://imgur.com/5CKnjlP)


(http://i.imgur.com/VBGprZD.jpg) (https://imgur.com/VBGprZD)

That's very sweet Allie, glad you two can remain great friends  :)

Hugs

Cyndi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 01, 2020, 02:46:47 pm
So, I cried with joy at receiving that card from my soon to be ex, but later in the day came the conditions. She wants us to seperate our finances, ie pay our own way, no more sharing bills, investigate selling an investment property we share, no mor intimacy, ie, cuddles and kisses, and the intention shown in the card can be reversed at any time. I cried with despair before going to sleep last night.

The card is in the bin.

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on March 01, 2020, 03:26:26 pm
So, I cried with joy at receiving that card from my soon to be ex, but later in the day came the conditions. She wants us to seperate our finances, ie pay our own way, no more sharing bills, investigate selling an investment property we share, no mor intimacy, ie, cuddles and kisses, and the intention shown in the card can be reversed at any time. I cried with despair before going to sleep last night.

The card is in the bin.

Allie
Oh Allie, as I also experienced today, this is such a rollercoaster. My heart goes out to you xx


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on March 01, 2020, 09:45:14 pm
So, I cried with joy at receiving that card from my soon to be ex, but later in the day came the conditions. She wants us to seperate our finances, ie pay our own way, no more sharing bills, investigate selling an investment property we share, no mor intimacy, ie, cuddles and kisses, and the intention shown in the card can be reversed at any time. I cried with despair before going to sleep last night.

The card is in the bin.

Allie

Allie honey,

I feel so bad for you.  I just don't see the love you show your partner reciprocated. To say that the sentiment expressed in her card can be reversed is rather despicable,  in my opinion. And I apologize in advance if I am speaking out of turn.  It is her right to pursue her own life, even if it leads away from you, but to threaten to refuse friendship to you after all you've done reflects very poorly on her.  You...deserve....better.  As for lesser matters, for what it's worth, my wife and I separated our finances long ago.  There are some advantages to that. And it is her right to draw whatever physical boundaries she wants around her own body, though I know that must hurt.  But in addition to her rights, she has obligations as well.  You have shared a long life together and you deserve that she treat you with love and compassion and respect, no matter how separate your paths become.  She owes you that.  So many hugs for you dear. 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 01, 2020, 11:41:27 pm
Thank you Pammie and Randi. She saw the card in the bin this morning, and asked why. I told her it meant nothing as she could change her mind at any time and the discussion we had later was all about making it easier for her to leave. I told her that her constant flip flopping was killing me and I had given up. She tried to defend her position, but I had a meltdown, cried and sobbed uncontrollably for 2 1/2 hours, so she rang in sick at work for both of us. She stayed with me and hugged me, trying to talk to me, but I couldn't hear. I was so exhausted when my tears ran out that I slept for 3 hours.

I woke with tears, and realised my fit had not answered anything, or even cleared my head. I got some sound advice from Moni which allowed me to see that Mary also needs to transition in her way, and I should see our overall position as improved. I got up and couldn't talk to Mary, so I showed her my correspondence with Moni. She hugged me and assured me she had turned a corner in our relationship, and finally was seeing a future for us as friends, but she needed to feel properly divorced, and so the separation of finances, holidays and intimacy. I have to give her ground as she is transitioning because of me, but I reiterated that the back and forward is killing me. She feels that we can build from here, and that, while there will still be ups and downs, we should be able to move forward together.

So again I will support her and try to move forward through the toughest part of this transition for both of us, but, and I have told her, I don't think I have the strength left to survive another major setback. I guess I just have to wait until later this year to feel if we are on track, and for now, I need to concentrate on being full time. One thing I have learned is the value of friends to help get me through this.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on March 02, 2020, 05:27:19 am
Thank you Pammie and Randi. She saw the card in the bin this morning, and asked why. I told her it meant nothing as she could change her mind at any time and the discussion we had later was all about making it easier for her to leave. I told her that her constant flip flopping was killing me and I had given up. She tried to defend her position, but I had a meltdown, cried and sobbed uncontrollably for 2 1/2 hours, so she rang in sick at work for both of us. She stayed with me and hugged me, trying to talk to me, but I couldn't hear. I was so exhausted when my tears ran out that I slept for 3 hours.

I woke with tears, and realised my fit had not answered anything, or even cleared my head. I got some sound advice from Moni which allowed me to see that Mary also needs to transition in her way, and I should see our overall position as improved. I got up and couldn't talk to Mary, so I showed her my correspondence with Moni. She hugged me and assured me she had turned a corner in our relationship, and finally was seeing a future for us as friends, but she needed to feel properly divorced, and so the separation of finances, holidays and intimacy. I have to give her ground as she is transitioning because of me, but I reiterated that the back and forward is killing me. She feels that we can build from here, and that, while there will still be ups and downs, we should be able to move forward together.

So again I will support her and try to move forward through the toughest part of this transition for both of us, but, and I have told her, I don't think I have the strength left to survive another major setback. I guess I just have to wait until later this year to feel if we are on track, and for now, I need to concentrate on being full time. One thing I have learned is the value of friends to help get me through this.

Hugs,

Allie
That does sound more hopeful doesn’t it!
We will all keep fingers crossed!
She does sound like she is genuinely concerned about your well being which is a massive plus-point!


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on March 02, 2020, 07:09:26 am
Allie your ongoing pain is so draining.  I hope that there is truly light at the end to the tunnel for you.  This is all so hard to sort out for you and your wife.  It just isn't easy or fair.  The emotions are so raw and fragile.  I feel your sadness.

I also have sympathy pain because I am so far behind you in this process.  I can't physically transition until next year and I still haven't dragged my wife through my absolute decision to do so.  It doubles my pain for you.

We will be OK it is just a brutally unfair process.

Stay strong,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Julie H on March 02, 2020, 08:13:48 am
Hugs
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Maddie on March 02, 2020, 09:54:44 am
Holding the safety bar tight...
I cannot tell if this rollercoaster is going up or down.

Hugs Allie.  You were upset crying for long time and I'm relieved she comforted you then.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 02, 2020, 10:22:27 am
Thanks for your words of support Ladies! Emma, it does seem that this is way harder than it needs to be. I haven’t really changed much in the past decade, except now I am me in public. Sometimes I struggle to see why it all needs to be such a drama. Our situation is exactly the same re living together as it had been for over a decade. I am still the wife at home, but now the wife does the grocery shopping as the wife. She isn’t losing a husband, he’s been gone for over a decade. She needs to not be associated with me as anything but a friend in public, and it all seems so fake as nothing has really changed.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: RandyL on March 02, 2020, 12:43:50 pm
Allie, my hugs to you. I don't have any advice or experience to help you, but the female way is supposedly to listen and offer empathy and support. We are here for you. Love, Randy

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on March 02, 2020, 01:07:15 pm
Ally maybe she is reacting to something else.  We all assume it is our fault.  Sometimes it's not always about us transitioning. :)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: RandyL on March 02, 2020, 01:47:11 pm
Yes, and I wondered whether she is feeling some guilt about her side of this and is on her own roller coaster.

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 02, 2020, 04:29:16 pm
Emma and Randy, I suspect this makes her question her own gender identity. Not that she is trans, but she is certainly not a typical female. She never wanted children, hates wearing dresses or skirts (which is a shame as she has nice legs) and she has always taken the male role in our relationship, so I guess me transitioning brings up all kinds of uncomfortable things about her own identity. She is adamant she sees herself as female, but I think she has some doubts. I have always taken the submissive role, offering sympathy and support. She also believes she is on the autism spectrum, and does exhibit some traits, but she also knows I will support her no matter what, an I have already put my life on the line for hers.

She is a very closed person, will not open up to anybody, including me, so I doubt we will ever find her deep fears. She came to my last therapy session and as hard as my therapist tried, she would not answer any questions. It was embarrassing to see her sitting there tight lipped as my therapist tried to get something out of her (though I warned my therapist this would happen).

This is my challenge, and I am working as hard as I can to make it work. So far, via some compromises, it looks a little promising, but time will tell.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on March 03, 2020, 01:51:13 pm
Alllie.......I just caught up on your thread wow what a roller coaster. I got happy with the card and then I got really sad after what she said do you. I cried reading both for two different reasons. All of this sounds so freaking familiar. My wife tells me over and over again that she’s never going to leave me and she will always love me.

Then she will go on and on about how horrible this is .........she doesn’t know where she fits in this world.......she doesn’t understand any of this.........that she’s so angry at me for this and thatI am tearing apart our family. She’s not sure how she’s gonna be able to go on this way,  she’d like to disappear,  she might want to just die cause her life as a joke.

It’s sort of like talking out both sides your mouth the same time. I told her today it’s a lot like going to the mechanic who tells you that your car is broken,  the transmission is shot,  the engine is about dead, your tires are bald and the frame is bent.........so your good ...go ahead and drive it....
..?......?????????????......?????.?

It leaves lots of questions for us. I to tell her I haven’t changed on the same person. She believes that I’m not the same person and I never will be again even though I don’t openly go and dress, I have not transitioned at all. I guess it’s very hard for them to understand us as it is us understanding them. And maybe you’re right maybe there is something to do with how your wife is more tomboyish. Maybe it does make her uncomfortable. Allie I hope we both get off this roller coaster ...and soon. Must be why they call this dysphoria. I feel like I see double ...I’m dizzy .....and nauseous most of the time.

You keep plugging away don’t give in, don’t get too far down I’ve been there. I think about you often, I only hope good things for you. I still see a lot of success in your future.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 03, 2020, 02:41:11 pm
Thank you Nicole, you Emma,& Randi are always in my thoughts, and mostly why I visit this forum. We all seem to have to travel down this excruciating path with or partners. Yesterday, I found my limit, and told her for the first time I was thinking my life might be better without her. Her forward and back words have driven me to the edge.

She begged me not to give up on our relationship, as she hasn’t. She reiterated she has turned a corner and is feeling good about our future, but every time I let myself feel positive, she pulls the rug out from under me. So I’m not letting myself feel positive, but I will give us some more time to see what happens.

I am going to a trans support group this Saturday to meet other trans people for the first time in my life. Maybe this will help me feel less like I am negotiating the toughest time of my life on my own. I’m also getting my ears pierced tomorrow, but a little scared of her reaction. She has organised for us to spend Sunday and Monday driving through the country to photograph art on wheat silos. This includes an overnight stay on Sunday in a small country town. These trips do bring us closer together, and it gives her more time in public with me.

I saw my therapist yesterday and we examined my breakdown. She believes my wife is treating me badly, but as part of her own transition. We also agreed that I am carrying dysphoria from lack of development, and this lessens my ability to absorb my wife’s challenges. So first thing I need to do is get my physical transition back on track.

My therapist congratulated me on my name change and going full time but was concerned I was going too fast. She said none of her other trans patients had advanced so much in one year. I pointed out that I have been in transition for 20 years, and my physical transition started well over a decade ago when my T production shut down. The only real changes are that I am me outside my house and my name is official. I also pointed out I needed to do these things to manage my dysphoria, especially as my physical transition had stalled for many months. She agreed I seemed to to b on top of everything and we talked about her writing my letter for my GRS, which she promised to have done for my next session.

So I am just moving forward a step at a time, trying to get everything to work. I know I am still on this roller coaster and there will be more dips and rises, but it is wearing me down and I need to find strength to finish the ride. Next step, get my Endo with My program or find a new one!

Hugs,

Allie   
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Julie H on March 03, 2020, 02:58:42 pm
Hugs
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on March 03, 2020, 09:04:03 pm
Thank you Nicole, you Emma,& Randi are always in my thoughts, and mostly why I visit this forum. We all seem to have to travel down this excruciating path with or partners. Yesterday, I found my limit, and told her for the first time I was thinking my life might be better without her. Her forward and back words have driven me to the edge.

She begged me not to give up on our relationship, as she hasn’t. She reiterated she has turned a corner and is feeling good about our future, but every time I let myself feel positive, she pulls the rug out from under me. So I’m not letting myself feel positive, but I will give us some more time to see what happens.

I am going to a trans support group this Saturday to meet other trans people for the first time in my life. Maybe this will help me feel less like I am negotiating the toughest time of my life on my own. I’m also getting my ears pierced tomorrow, but a little scared of her reaction. She has organised for us to spend Sunday and Monday driving through the country to photograph art on wheat silos. This includes an overnight stay on Sunday in a small country town. These trips do bring us closer together, and it gives her more time in public with me.

I saw my therapist yesterday and we examined my breakdown. She believes my wife is treating me badly, but as part of her own transition. We also agreed that I am carrying dysphoria from lack of development, and this lessens my ability to absorb my wife’s challenges. So first thing I need to do is get my physical transition back on track.

My therapist congratulated me on my name change and going full time but was concerned I was going too fast. She said none of her other trans patients had advanced so much in one year. I pointed out that I have been in transition for 20 years, and my physical transition started well over a decade ago when my T production shut down. The only real changes are that I am me outside my house and my name is official. I also pointed out I needed to do these things to manage my dysphoria, especially as my physical transition had stalled for many months. She agreed I seemed to to b on top of everything and we talked about her writing my letter for my GRS, which she promised to have done for my next session.

So I am just moving forward a step at a time, trying to get everything to work. I know I am still on this roller coaster and there will be more dips and rises, but it is wearing me down and I need to find strength to finish the ride. Next step, get my Endo with My program or find a new one!

Hugs,

Allie

Allie .....Your relationship with your wife seems like it’s such a complicated one at the moment. But she is at least trying. Your ears being pierced is such a great moment. Another small step but a really good one. I do dream of that feeling. Dangling earrings has always been an obsession of mine.

I’m glad your therapist is there for you. You need it with all that is going on. Now to get your Endo rolling. You have done everything else. Getting your E levels up is all he needs to do. Time to step up right.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Maddie on March 04, 2020, 01:05:32 am
Hooray for getting earrings!!  Wearing hoops or dangly ones feel good and are as fun for me as anything else I wear.  I started with small surgical steel rings that I never took out for several years.  Could still dangle others from them. Now I change between a couple favorite pairs and sometimes none.  I think even just having pierced holes in the lobes Iooks cool.

Allie I think it is very interesting that you have been the female role in your relationship with your wife. 
Thank you for sharing that.

In my fantasy movie version of your life, she breaks down,  facing her own issues, and it ends up you were perfect for each other all along..
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 04, 2020, 03:18:30 am

Allie I think it is very interesting that you have been the female role in your relationship with your wife. 
Thank you for sharing that.

In my fantasy movie version of your life, she breaks down,  facing her own issues, and it ends up you were perfect for each other all along..

Maddie, we are a perfect match! Our relationship pre HRT was magical, no arguments, we worked out everything together, and we share so many interests and opinions. I was Allie at home pretty much the whole 20 years we were married, I did the housewife stuff she hated, and she did the outside stuff. HRT has changed little but her view of me. I haven't been able to have sex for over a decade, so that's not a new issue, and I've been able to retain my old job, scuba club and all of our friends, so nothing has changed there. I believe when she gets over me being out in public, she will see that I haven't really changed and we will get back to being besties.

Julie and Nicole, thanks for always being there!

Hugs,

Allie

Me prior to HRT

(http://i.imgur.com/2akbpAr.jpg) (https://imgur.com/2akbpAr)


Me after HRT (and laser hair removal )

(http://i.imgur.com/k2A4gFw.jpg) (https://imgur.com/k2A4gFw)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on March 04, 2020, 06:53:07 am
Ally you must feel wonderful when you look in the mirror to see what a difference there is.  How great!

I think my wife will have the same reaction that your's did, being transgender and taking HRT is OK because its our "secret".  Once I go public or when she sees the photos of Emma, I am expect rejection. 

Sympathetically for our wives, it's a lot to swallow and even I continue to have a hard time accepting it.

Your progress continues to be inspirational for me. 

Thanks,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 04, 2020, 05:46:34 pm
Ally you must feel wonderful when you look in the mirror to see what a difference there is.  How great!

I think my wife will have the same reaction that your's did, being transgender and taking HRT is OK because its our "secret".  Once I go public or when she sees the photos of Emma, I am expect rejection. 

Sympathetically for our wives, it's a lot to swallow and even I continue to have a hard time accepting it.

Your progress continues to be inspirational for me. 

Thanks,

Emma

Emma, it must be me, but I don't see much difference from HRT. My boobs are smaller now, but I don't use breast forms. I lost a lot of weight and had hair removal, but overall my appearance hasn't changed significantly to my wife. The top picture is the person she lived happily with for 20 years, and the bottom pic is the one she is rejecting. To me it is not about appearance, but all about her friends knowing.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on March 04, 2020, 11:01:40 pm
Emma, it must be me, but I don't see much difference from HRT. My boobs are smaller now, but I don't use breast forms. I lost a lot of weight and had hair removal, but overall my appearance hasn't changed significantly to my wife. The top picture is the person she lived happily with for 20 years, and the bottom pic is the one she is rejecting. To me it is not about appearance, but all about her friends knowing.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie....dead Honest you look maybe a little softer than before but not much difference really. Good news is you still seemed quite effeminate before. Which tells me the thought of you getting more female and being out is really what is bothering your wife.

I like to be honest with what I see and with you, so hopefully me saying that is Ok. What I do see is that you have a great foundation to work with. Beyond the makeover stuff, when they crank up your estrogen things will get much better. But still you do have feminine qualities already. Your gonna get there.

I know it must be frustrating for you with all the changes you have made to not get your E in charge of your system yet, but everything you post, all your actions, your intentions...you are quite female and have been for years. I have all the hope your wife will realize all of this and continue to be your bestie for life. 

I will be checking to see what happens at your Endo, I really hope this is the time things get cranked up.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 04, 2020, 11:41:15 pm
Allie....dead Honest you look maybe a little softer than before but not much difference really. Good news is you still seemed quite effeminate before. Which tells me the thought of you getting more female and being out is really what is bothering your wife.

I like to be honest with what I see and with you, so hopefully me saying that is Ok. What I do see is that you have a great foundation to work with. Beyond the makeover stuff, when they crank up your estrogen things will get much better. But still you do have feminine qualities already. Your gonna get there.

I know it must be frustrating for you with all the changes you have made to not get your E in charge of your system yet, but everything you post, all your actions, your intentions...you are quite female and have been for years. I have all the hope your wife will realize all of this and continue to be your bestie for life. 

I will be checking to see what happens at your Endo, I really hope this is the time things get cranked up.

Hugs
Nicole

Nicole, you are seeing what I see. I don't look much different than I have for the past 20 years (ok, a bit older), so it isn't changes which are upsetting her, so it can only be that she is embarrassed to be associated with me with her friends. It makes me feel she values her friends above me, and how soul destroying is it that the person you love most is so ashamed of you. I am stuck on this path, so I have to go ahead with or without her.

Speaking of going ahead, hormonally I'm not. I just got my blood results from my GP, and I am nearly back to the normal male Oestrogen range. My Endo has failed me spectacularly. I am barely 20% of the target transition range. I have been suffering from significant dysphoria for over 3 months because of this and it has affected my relationship. I have gained 20 pounds in 3 months and my blood pressure has risen. I am furious with my Endo right now and will start looking for another one.

I had my ears pierced today and hoped that might ease my dysphoria, but it hasn't. Really the only reason I'm not totally messed up is because a couple of weeks ago, I was able to raise my dosage to the level we planned 4 months ago. I should not have to do that. This will be sorted one way or another on the 16th!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: big kim on March 05, 2020, 05:27:03 am
Wow Allie, I see a beautiful older lady. I think a lot of us bloom in our 60s.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 05, 2020, 06:09:06 am
Thank you Kim! I needed a boost, I am so frustrated by my endo.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on March 05, 2020, 08:33:21 am
Thank you Kim! I needed a boost, I am so frustrated by my endo.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie....frustration or not, Kim is right like I said...You do have a great female look and the Endo thing will get better. You will become the true Allie you need to be.

As for your wife....I completely understand the emotion. Her fear than makes you feel like you should be ashamed of yourself for being who you are. It’s that prejudice that people grow with, combined it with fear of how it will look, as she is now in the spotlight with a “cross dresser”... right.......Wrong..we know that.

Getting a medical issue fixed is not something to be ashamed of and we are far from the stupid and ridiculous images of drag queens the world has portrayed for years. We all just want to be normal, passing, pretty women we were meant to be. Problem is convincing others of that. First ourselves.......than our loved ones......than the world around us. 

Just a thought.... maybe we need to give our wives a chance to see it clearly. I know patience is not something we have when it comes to this but, we have had a lot of time to understand this. They are still catching up.
No doubt she has seen the signs, been told by you years ago that it’s true, but it just got real. It’s a slight betrayal of her marriage to you, they blame themselves, they are losing there husband, there is mourning, they now feel like they have to become a lesbian, they have to be the one in a spotlight and deal with the world looking at them. I understand this and still wish my wife would just get it daily. It’s just not that easy.

I guess the key here is if she is willing to try to understand this and be with you. She too can grow. I so want that to happen for you. It’s a lot to handle along with the Dysphoria and the Endo guy and.....ect, ect, ect....
God I want you to be happy and successful so bad. Just don’t give up. The card shows she has it in her to be that kind of supportive. It’s just that roller coaster of emotions that she’s on. “ My god we need to get off this ride!!!”

Hang in there Allie ...hold on to the sides of the car and make sure that seatbelt is buckled. You will be successful here and I cant wait to see it.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on March 05, 2020, 11:26:08 am
Hey Allie.  You, Nicole and I seem to be constantly trying to make our wives happy in one of the worst situations a couple could be in and not be dying.  Unfortunately (?) we have a medical condition won't kill us, that the general population believes doesn't exist and that garners no sympathy for our wives in our surrounding community of friends and family.

Our wives are painted with the same scarlet letter "T" that we are.  Then you throw on top, their own desire for a normal heterosexual relationship and a normal general life and BANG!!! their head explodes just like ours.

Not a fair situation for anyone.   We all need to live with our choices.  Ultimately I think each of us, ourselves and our spouses, are forced to choose what they can live with and it may be not be with each other.

Tragic but not our fault.  We can’t feel any guilt for something that was forced on us.  The medical necessity is real but  I can’t blame my wife for what she chooses.

I think the long term pain that we are all experiencing is the fear of losing the love that has kept us together for so long.  It is rare and deeply cherished, so it is so hard to let go of.  Each of us doesn’t want to let go.  Sadly, where the road finally splits, a decision must be made by each of us. 

Hence the pain if it is good bye.  I keep hoping it isn't but I am starting to accept that it may be.  But also, another maybe is, if we separate, it could be temporary.


Painfully,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 05, 2020, 02:04:24 pm
Thank you Nicole and Emma! For some reason, I just feel I have to do things the hard way. This probably the most critical time in my transition as I am going full time, and my physical transition has stalled when I needed it to progress the most. I’m suffering significant dysphoria as I try to negotiate name change, a life change, and get my wife through this. I knew this would be a tough time for both of us, but I didn’t know I would have this extra challenge of hormone failure and the physical effects that go with it.

She comforted and supported me last night, and is trying her best to keep using my female name, so maybe she has turned a corner. This hormone situation should be a temporary setback, though I worry as I am on a fairly high dose and now my body seems to be rejecting it. What if I’ve legally changed my name and gender and hormones aren’t going to work for me? It’s the sort of challenge that seems to always come my way.

I am going to a trans support group lunch tomorrow, and it will be the first time I have actually met and talked to another trans person! I’m hoping their company for a couple of hours can make me feel better about myself and I get recommendations for another Endo. Then my wife and I are going to spend a couple of days diving around, exploring the north west of our state. Hopefully we can reconnect, but I will still be affected by dysphoria taking away much of my enjoyment.

I take encouragement at these times from the chorus of Chers song “You haven’t see the last of me”

Hugs,

Alie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on March 05, 2020, 09:09:21 pm
Hi Allie,

Haven't been on the board much recently.  I am very sorry to hear that your estrogen levels aren't what they should be.  Definitely push your doctor or look for another one.  It may be you need to rethink how it is administered.  I hope you enjoy the support group.  I have found them very helpful. There is no one who understands us better than a fellow traveler.

I think your photo looks lovely.  You can definitely tell a difference.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 05, 2020, 10:47:24 pm
Thank you Randi, I haven't felt this low since before HRT, which makes sense as I an almost back to my original E levels. I am worried that I am on a fairly high dose of E and my levels are so low, that my body is rejecting the E. I have read of trans people who simply couldn't medically transition because their bodies wouldn't take on E. I have come so far with my personal transition, that if my medical transition failed I would be more than devastated. Let's hope we can find a solution soon, as I am struggling to get by ATM.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on March 12, 2020, 11:16:23 pm
Allie....your gonna figure this out. You just need the right response from Endo. They can figure this out. I’m sure it’s excruciating to wait on them, but you have to stay positive a solution will be found.

 So funny I have been writing all these songs lately, maybe I need to write one about the magic of E. Lol.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 13, 2020, 01:30:28 am
Allie....your gonna figure this out. You just need the right response from Endo. They can figure this out. I’m sure it’s excruciating to wait on them, but you have to stay positive a solution will be found.

 So funny I have been writing all these songs lately, maybe I need to write one about the magic of E. Lol.

Hugs
Nicole

Nicole, I hope you are right! I will have an idea Monday, and it can't come soon enough. I had to attend a Scuba Club meeting last night and it's a 1 1/2 hour drive for me. With my sore neck I couldn't have made it, so Mary drove. I felt I needed to be there as I had organised one of the scientists from work to be the guest speaker. It was the first time my club had seen Allie, and they were so welcoming. I introduced the guest speaker, then later described the procedure for a rescue exercise we are going to run. Everyone treated me just as they used to, some using my dead name, but that will improve with time. I got a couple of compliments and a couple of people said even though I looked different, I was the same person they respected.

I worked all this week as Allie, with pink nail polish and pierced ears, and I'm sure that everybody knew I was trans, but it was also like nothing had really changed. Not one second look or query for more than 100 kids I taught, or any of their teachers. It was just normal to have a trans person teaching them. I am still amazed at how accepting everybody has been since going full time.

This bout of dysphoria from low E has reminded me how important my medical transition is, I am functioning, but just. Bad news Monday could put me back in dangerous territory, but good news might give some relief. I won't really be clear for another month, or when I see my next blood test results. It's very much wait and see. last time I was in this situation, I was battling very much on my own, but this time I have an army of supporters in the battle with me.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on March 13, 2020, 09:32:49 pm
Nicole, I hope you are right! I will have an idea Monday, and it can't come soon enough. I had to attend a Scuba Club meeting last night and it's a 1 1/2 hour drive for me. With my sore neck I couldn't have made it, so Mary drove. I felt I needed to be there as I had organised one of the scientists from work to be the guest speaker. It was the first time my club had seen Allie, and they were so welcoming. I introduced the guest speaker, then later described the procedure for a rescue exercise we are going to run. Everyone treated me just as they used to, some using my dead name, but that will improve with time. I got a couple of compliments and a couple of people said even though I looked different, I was the same person they respected.

I worked all this week as Allie, with pink nail polish and pierced ears, and I'm sure that everybody knew I was trans, but it was also like nothing had really changed. Not one second look or query for more than 100 kids I taught, or any of their teachers. It was just normal to have a trans person teaching them. I am still amazed at how accepting everybody has been since going full time.

This bout of dysphoria from low E has reminded me how important my medical transition is, I am functioning, but just. Bad news Monday could put me back in dangerous territory, but good news might give some relief. I won't really be clear for another month, or when I see my next blood test results. It's very much wait and see. last time I was in this situation, I was battling very much on my own, but this time I have an army of supporters in the battle with me.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie...You DO have an army of support. I’m all in with fingers crossed about Monday. It just seems cruel if they don’t at least try to fix this for you. But that being said.......

You are a woman. You are living your truth, your are conducting your life from work to play as Allie. Enjoy that and just remember where you were. This is much better than the Dysphoria you dealt with then.Stay positive and believe in who you are. I believe in you. And I will celebrate when they get this fixed.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 16, 2020, 02:44:12 am
OK, I saw my Endo today and was glad I sent him a letter, and set him up with my psychologists report. He couldn't do enough for me. He started to tell me how I needed to up my patch dose, but I told him I wanted to increase the dose, but also change the method of delivery. He immediately agreed to prescribe gel. I said I wanted a review in a month and he said we would do blood tests every 2 weeks, and added a prescription for pills to supplement if I felt my dysphoria wasn't improving by 2 weeks. He committed to monthly reviews until we get my numbers in the target range. I can't ask for more than that at this stage, so now it's a matter of waiting to see if the measures work.

I will know before the blood test, as my headache will finally go!

Allie

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on March 16, 2020, 08:00:05 am
Wonderful news Allie!   :)  He seems very committed to getting your numbers where they need to be.  The squeaky wheel does get the grease!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 16, 2020, 03:05:46 pm
Wonderful news Allie!   :)  He seems very committed to getting your numbers where they need to be.  The squeaky wheel does get the grease!

Thank you Randi! I have to put up with this sore head for another couple of days until I do my blood test and then I will start the new regime. I so hope it works!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on March 17, 2020, 12:10:17 am
OK, I saw my Endo today and was glad I sent him a letter, and set him up with my psychologists report. He couldn't do enough for me. He started to tell me how I needed to up my patch dose, but I told him I wanted to increase the dose, but also change the method of delivery. He immediately agreed to prescribe gel. I said I wanted a review in a month and he said we would do blood tests every 2 weeks, and added a prescription for pills to supplement if I felt my dysphoria wasn't improving by 2 weeks. He committed to monthly reviews until we get my numbers in the target range. I can't ask for more than that at this stage, so now it's a matter of waiting to see if the measures work.

I will know before the blood test, as my headache will finally go!

Allie

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.......Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! ......I’m so happy for you Allie. He took the hint, you took charge and said “ you work for me!”... That’s so great. Every 2 weeks and your hormones are flowing again. I was thinking about you today knowing it was the 16th....then it dawned on me.......( um...she’s a day ahead of me...oooops.... ) so I had to check in quick. The news makes me very happy, I know how much you have struggled and needed this kind of help.

Now I just look forward to seeing your Dysphoria improve, your joy increase and your body fall in line.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 17, 2020, 02:16:59 am
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.......Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! ......I’m so happy for you Allie. He took the hint, you took charge and said “ you work for me!”... That’s so great. Every 2 weeks and your hormones are flowing again. I was thinking about you today knowing it was the 16th....then it dawned on me.......( um...she’s a day ahead of me...oooops.... ) so I had to check in quick. The news makes me very happy, I know how much you have struggled and needed this kind of help.

Now I just look forward to seeing your Dysphoria improve, your joy increase and your body fall in line.

Hugs
Nicole

Thanks Nicole, but the struggle looks to continue for the rest of the week. All our plans were dependant on the Endo getting the scripts and referrals in the mail yesterday, but it didn't happen. I also asked him to fax my script to the chemist, but when I went to collect my new meds today, I was told no fax arrived. I was also told there was a 2+ day delay on dispensing due to the rush from coronavirus. I rang the Endo's office and they apologised, citing a rush of patients, and promised they would mail and fax my stuff today. Because I live in a small country town, mail takes 3 days to get to us, which means I will likely miss the first blood test, which has to be done Thursday morning.

I will go back to the chemist tomorrow, and if the fax has arrived, I might get my new meds Thursday, but any further delay will mean I have to use my last patches until Monday. My headache has not eased, and every time another hurdle is placed in front of me it gets worse. I'm starting to get the delusional idea, that Covid-19 has come just to make this so much more difficult.

Hugs,

Allie 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Stepheewt on March 17, 2020, 08:44:37 am
Thanks Nicole, but the struggle looks to continue for the rest of the week. All our plans were dependant on the Endo getting the scripts and referrals in the mail yesterday, but it didn't happen. I also asked him to fax my script to the chemist, but when I went to collect my new meds today, I was told no fax arrived. I was also told there was a 2+ day delay on dispensing due to the rush from coronavirus. I rang the Endo's office and they apologised, citing a rush of patients, and promised they would mail and fax my stuff today. Because I live in a small country town, mail takes 3 days to get to us, which means I will likely miss the first blood test, which has to be done Thursday morning.

I will go back to the chemist tomorrow, and if the fax has arrived, I might get my new meds Thursday, but any further delay will mean I have to use my last patches until Monday. My headache has not eased, and every time another hurdle is placed in front of me it gets worse. I'm starting to get the delusional idea, that Covid-19 has come just to make this so much more difficult.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie....Amen sister.... corona virus madness. Everything is harder. You know what I do for a living. I can see multiple people in a day, all over there germ infested places....and I have a wife with compromised Immune systems at home. Money is slower, stress is more and in your case medical issues are moving slower too...

Sorry it has to be so hard to get through this. But your a strong woman, you have overcome so much already...a few days more.....we’ll stinks......but you got this, you are at least knowing now that you are getting the help.
I hope the headache will slow up a bit for you. Stress never helps those anyway. Hang in there.

Hugs
Nicole
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 26, 2020, 03:26:14 am
Well, I started a higher dose of patches after my last blood test, and after 2 weeks my blood E levels went up. This is encouraging , and next week I will see what 2 weeks on Gel has done, and I will start supplementing the gel with pills. Logic says my levels should keep rising but I've lost some faith in logic. At least my Endo is supportive now, and my last test gives me hope I will get to my target ranges in the next few weeks. My dysphoria hasn't reduced yet, but I expect it will go when I feel some development. I've had a headache 24/7 for 2 1/2 months now, so I am hoping it will improve soon.

Things are stressful at work with planning for a shutdown to include the possibility of euthanising all my animals. I am an aquarist and I look after 25 tanks, most are animals I have cared for for over a decade, including being with sick animals at night and on weekends. To lose them is unthinkable to me and I have fought hard to get euthanasia removed from the plans, and was successful yesterday. My doc needed to eliminate work stress from me so we can tell when my dysphoria reduces, so she placed me on stress leave until my next Endo appointment in 3 weeks.
 
My new Passport arrived today, not that I am travelling anywhere, but to my joy it is marked 'F' in the sex area!! I aim officially Female. I have to admit, I am amazed that just a year after starting HRT I am living my life as a woman, and I am actually starting to feel comfortable in this role. I still have to wait until May to get my gender changed in my birth certificate.

I was unfortunate my hair appointment was 12 hours after they announced restrictions on hair salons, so I may have to wait months for my new colour and highlights, and my GRS surgery is getting further and further away, but it is a crisis, and my main concern is not to get infected until I get on top of my dysphoria so I have some chance of fighting it.

Stay safe my trans family and Hugs,

Allie

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on March 27, 2020, 10:04:55 am
Allie, I'm sorry to hear about your planned work shutdown and any repercussions.  I understand this would be stressful for you as well as others that dedicate theirselves to the animals that live there.  I hope it works out well for all. 

Great news on the receipt of your passport!  All legal with no where to go!  Sorry about the hair appointment, I'm in the same situation as my salon has closed as well.  My electrologist had closed two weeks ago.  It's not critical for my sanity at this time but I do want to get back as I'm anxious to finish up.

Keep the faith and stay well.
Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on March 27, 2020, 12:20:28 pm
Congratulations on your passport Allie.  I hope things work out ok for your animals.  You have a very good heart.  The virus has been wreaking havoc on all sorts of things  The stress can't be good for your headaches. 

Many, many women are facing the prospect of bad hair.  I had just gotten mine cut and I don't color it, so I'm good for a bit, but it's just one of those small, nice things about normal that has been temporarily lost.  I have no idea when I can get another laser session for my beard and move on down that road.

Hope your E levels are improving and your dysphoria is fading.  Best wishes dear.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 27, 2020, 02:42:05 pm
Thank you Judi and Randi! I have my car and boat licences as female, but they don’t have a gender marker on them, but my passport does! I keep looking at it and smiling. The crisis won’t stop me having the gender marker changed on my Birth Certificate in May, so soon I will be officially female everywhere! My hair is not coloured at the moment, so it won’t grow out weird, but just get long and untidy. I will miss my electrolysis (what am I saying!) as it does ease my dysphoria.

The new HRT seems to be working, though no breast pain yet, and I am feeling a bit better, so I am better prepared to get through these challenging times. I am staying isolated at home, but I can say there is plenty to keep me occupied and we live in a nice environment,

I hope you are all able to stay active and sane through this, and keep focused on life after the virus. Please stay safe!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 29, 2020, 05:00:35 am
I was due to formally transition at work this week, and the head of our department will send out an email announcing me to the rest of our department in 2 days, but of course we are in lockdown and there is almost nobody at work, including me! I actually informally transitioned in my workplace a month ago under pressure from my colleagues! Before we shut down our workplace, we placed a dozen signs as below, around our building. I am impressed at the support I am given at work! (well, when I am there...)

Hugs,

Allie

(http://i.imgur.com/CkYMynz.jpg) (https://imgur.com/CkYMynz)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: RandyL on March 31, 2020, 10:28:59 pm
for the signs and for the support you receive from your colleagues. I hope the HRT helps you feel better soon.

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 31, 2020, 10:43:57 pm
for the signs and for the support you receive from your colleagues. I hope the HRT helps you feel better soon.

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Thanks Randy! The support I get everywhere in Australia is amazing! My increased dosage has yielded an increase in blood E level, but not enough yet. My dysphoria is diminishing and I am getting some sensitivity back in my nipples. It seems like I need to go through the whole HRT start up again, I have another blood test to tomorrow, then start a higher dose which I suspect will get me back on track. Another blood test in 2 weeks and see my Endo again.

Hugs,

Allie 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: MikaelaA on April 20, 2020, 09:59:21 am
Thanks Randy! The support I get everywhere in Australia is amazing! My increased dosage has yielded an increase in blood E level, but not enough yet. My dysphoria is diminishing and I am getting some sensitivity back in my nipples. It seems like I need to go through the whole HRT start up again, I have another blood test to tomorrow, then start a higher dose which I suspect will get me back on track. Another blood test in 2 weeks and see my Endo again.

Hugs,

Allie

Hi Allie,

We haven't heard from you in a while.  How are things going with your HRT?  Hopefully everything is back on track.  Looking forward to hear from you soon.

Hugs,
Michelle
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on April 20, 2020, 03:56:30 pm
Hi Michelle, thank you for checking on me! I have an Endo appointment today to discuss where I am a with the new HRT regime, but my E numbers have been climbing and my headaches have ceased. Although double my previous dose, I am still not getting much sensation of development, but I guess it’s like starting all over again and it will take a couple of months to get things going again.

The real bonus is that my Endo basically asks me what I want to do now in terms of dosage. He asked me last session if I wanted to start progesterone, and I told him I wanted to get my E in my target range and stable first, so I could easily see the effects of P, and he seemed impressed that I wasn’t just grabbing at anything I could get, and my approach was clinical.

Like everyone, I am on hold with most things like electrologist, and am mostly stuck at home, so not a lot happening. Thank heavens for video conferencing to at least keep me connected to my friends.  I do have to venture out for a Surgeon consult in 2 weeks as they need to physically examine the surgery site, which will be interesting as there is almost nothing left to be seen!

I hope you are coping with lockdown and missing treatments, there seems to be a tangible end to this coming, but still months away. Good thing we have each other to get through this!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on April 20, 2020, 05:41:17 pm
Hi Allie! 

About development, you wrote "Although double my previous dose, I am still not getting much sensation of development, but I guess it’s like starting all over again and it will take a couple of months to get things going again."  Don't get down about this, just remember that puberty takes a long time and growth does seem to start and stop from time to time.  After 4+ years I've been getting sensations of growth recently.  And I can see the difference.  Overall it seems like you are doing well.  Take care and be safe!
Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on April 20, 2020, 06:33:53 pm
Thank you Judi! I am living full time Allie now and so well accepted as I am that I am comfortable not having breast pain for a while. My blood E levels are still 50% of my target range, so I have some time yet to get to transition range. I only realised how ridiculously conservative my endo was being when I saw Pamelastransuk’s blood comparisons, and actually talked to some trans people to compare doses. I am confident i have my HRT sorted now, and my dysphoria under control for the moment, so I can concentrate on my surgeon consult and plans for my GRS next year.

Hugs,

Alle
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: MikaelaA on April 21, 2020, 01:23:20 pm
Hi Michelle, thank you for checking on me! I have an Endo appointment today to discuss where I am a with the new HRT regime, but my E numbers have been climbing and my headaches have ceased. Although double my previous dose, I am still not getting much sensation of development, but I guess it’s like starting all over again and it will take a couple of months to get things going again.

The real bonus is that my Endo basically asks me what I want to do now in terms of dosage. He asked me last session if I wanted to start progesterone, and I told him I wanted to get my E in my target range and stable first, so I could easily see the effects of P, and he seemed impressed that I wasn’t just grabbing at anything I could get, and my approach was clinical.

Like everyone, I am on hold with most things like electrologist, and am mostly stuck at home, so not a lot happening. Thank heavens for video conferencing to at least keep me connected to my friends.  I do have to venture out for a Surgeon consult in 2 weeks as they need to physically examine the surgery site, which will be interesting as there is almost nothing left to be seen!

I hope you are coping with lockdown and missing treatments, there seems to be a tangible end to this coming, but still months away. Good thing we have each other to get through this!

Hugs,

Allie

Allie, It's great to hear you're essentially back on track regarding HRT. At least you have an endo that will listen to you.  I'm very close to 60 myself and get uneasy about any kind of delay in my transition. Hopefully the world can rid itself of this insidious virus so we can all continue on with our transitions.

Hugs,
Michelle
 
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on May 07, 2020, 04:26:07 am
Since my last post my Endo has again backflipped and wants to pull back on my HRT, so I am having to put pressure on him again, but I have applied to start seeing another Endo as I have lost all confidence in this one. I have had no development for over 6 months and suffered severe dysphoria, including requiring time off work, over the last 4 months. My psychologist and GP are writing letters to my Endo to say his treatment has put my health at risk. I will have to have yet another tense meeting with him next week.

On the up side, I got my GRS date today!!!! My surgery is booked for next January 27th, but may even be pushed forward to December. It is so good to finally have some direction in my transition after the failure of my HRT, and my dysphoria has already eased a little.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on May 07, 2020, 08:03:58 am
Allie I am so glad that you are making progress in spite of your current Endo and GD issues.  We all need a huge machete to hack away at the emotional frustrations that this process throws in front of us.

Hang in there.  You will get through this.


Warm regardss,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on May 07, 2020, 08:21:53 am
Thank you Emma, my GRS booking has come at a good time to help me fight off my dysphoria from no progress. Transitioning is hard enough when everything goes right, it really sucks when you have to fight constantly, especially with the people you are paying to help you!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on May 07, 2020, 10:26:09 am
Allie,

So sorry to hear about your struggles with your hormone levels.  It really impacts your well-being.  I hope you can get it figured out. I don't know if you have much flexibility in switching doctors (doesn't sound like it) but if you can, that would be something to consider.  When you say lack of progress or development, what do you mean?  E levels too low or you can't see physical changes?
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on May 07, 2020, 10:36:16 am
You know what Allie, you are tough enough.  You will get through this.  Transitioning is definitely not for wimps.

Hugs,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on May 07, 2020, 07:01:34 pm
Allie,

So sorry to hear about your struggles with your hormone levels.  It really impacts your well-being.  I hope you can get it figured out. I don't know if you have much flexibility in switching doctors (doesn't sound like it) but if you can, that would be something to consider.  When you say lack of progress or development, what do you mean?  E levels too low or you can't see physical changes?

Randi, I am applying to switch doctors, but there is a 3 month wait list! By lack of progress I mean after 14 months, I still haven't hit the lower end of accepted transition levels for Blood E. It follows that for more than the past 6 months, I have seen no detectable progress physically. My psychologist says that in that time, I have 100% invested my life in transitioning, by changing all my formal ID's and going full time, but I have not realised any physical transition, and that is why my dysphoria has been at critical levels. She sent my Endo a report outlining how his treatment is putting my health in jeopardy, and I meet with him this Wednesday. My surgeon's head nurse said getting my transition going was even more critical at this time as I may need to interrupt my HRT in 6 months for my operation. I live in fear that all these interruptions to my HRT will leave me in a very unsatisfactory medical transition position.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on May 07, 2020, 07:16:56 pm
You know what Allie, you are tough enough.  You will get through this.  Transitioning is definitely not for wimps.

Hugs,

Emma

Thanks Emma! I have to admit there have been times recently I've considered giving up, but I have so much support from family, friends and community I've survived. I was so low last month Mary was scared to leave me home alone, but I have my trans family, Nicole, Lexxi, Moni, Michelle, Randi, yourself and many others who are always there for me, and you have really made a difference. I owe you all more than you might realise....

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on May 07, 2020, 07:49:18 pm
(https://i.imgur.com/CfLruOm.jpg)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on May 19, 2020, 06:40:11 am
So, what a difference a couple of weeks can make. I had a very tense meeting with my Endo, where, backed up by a letter from my psychologist, I made him understand that his conservative approach was ineffective for transition, and was putting my life at risk with the increase in Dysphoria. He begrudgingly doubled my dose, and within 48 hours, I started to get feelings I hadn't had for over 6 months. 4 days later I could feel breast buds, which had completely disappeared, beginning to re form. Crying myself to sleep has become al to common in recent months, but the night I realised my breast buds were coming back, I had tears for a good reason!

I had a lemon Ford SUV which was adding to my stress levels, so I finally traded it on a new Hyundai SUV, and added personalised plates, ALLIEJ  to my new car. That also made me feel better. Having my GCS confirmed, there was only one outstanding development to go, and the mailman bought me my new Birth Certificate today, and it indicates I have been female since birth! I cried again for a good reason.

So going forward look good for the first time in 6 months. My HRT is effective, and that is such a relief. I was scared that I would never get any more development, especially when my Endo said my genetics might not support transition. He was saying that to cover his butt for 6 months of no development, but that prospect could be fatal for me, and I told him so. I have an appointment booked with an Endo recommended by my surgeon, but not until late July, but I know I only have to deal with my current buffoon for 2 more months.

My only real challenge going forward is to hit my pre op BMI of 28 in 6 months, and that should not be much of a challenge. I presented my transition story to a couple of hundred people in my government department via zoom for IDAHOBIT last week which was a bit harrowing, but the feedback was amazing. So many comments came up from people who said they were crying for me, that I was so brave, and a few saying I looked quite pretty. The department head rang me after and said she was blown away by the feedback, including from other government department who want to run the presentation for their staff.

I run Zoom meetings for some trans groups and I ran one last Sunday with some of my local trans group and some American friends, and everybody clicked straight up and the the banter was non stop, with everybody respecting everybody else, and some very intimate details were shared. I thought I knew my friend 'S' from Melbourne, but she had a few surprises for me as well as the others. People are still contacting me to say how much they enjoyed our 4 hour chat, and that meeting alone was worth my monthly paid membership to Zoom. 

So the past 2 weeks have been amazing and I am happy again after a long and painful period, and the future finally looks bright!

Hugs,

Allie

My new car!

(http://i.imgur.com/rUsixR4.jpg) (https://imgur.com/rUsixR4)

A screen shot from my IDAHOBIT presentation!

(http://i.imgur.com/s1TRH3S.jpg) (https://imgur.com/s1TRH3S)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on May 19, 2020, 06:52:42 am
NICE SMILE ALLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on May 19, 2020, 07:37:00 am
A nice post to read Allie!  Things are certainly going your way.  Keep smiling.
Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on May 19, 2020, 08:00:31 am
Thank you Emma and Judi, I have dragged you through my heartache and depression, so I am so glad I can bring a good report for a change! What a rollercoaster!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on May 26, 2020, 01:26:28 am
So I got the results of my blood test on my new dose, and from the last blood E reading of 400 Int'l (about 111 US) it 3 weeks it has tripled to 1200 int'l (about 325 US)! My GP was quite concerned, but I assured her, even though it was twice the AUSPATH standard, I know many trans people who maintain this level and higher, with no ill effects. I don't intend keeping it there and will slightly reduce my dose to see if I can get it back around the WPATH level of 800 Int'l (about 200 US) that I was aiming for.

No wonder I had very quick effects from the new dose! In the end though, it's all about development, and the numbers are only a rough guide. If development stops when I reduce my dose, I would go back to what is working. If I have no progression, my dysphoria rises, and it can threaten my life, so as I explained to my Endo, I don't have a choice in this, I must progress. I am tired of this hit an miss approach to my HRT and can't wait to be getting consistent results. I also need to know what works in the next few months before I stop HRT for my op. I'd hate to have to start from scratch to find my levels again. Good thing that I have virtually no T and that won't be a factor after my op.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on May 26, 2020, 08:33:17 am
You have had quite the struggle getting your levels right. I'm so sorry you've had to work so much and fight so hard just to take medicine.  Keeping my fingers crossed that you will have smooth sailing going forward -- before, through and after your procedure.  You're a sweetheart Allie.  You deserve better from Lady Fortune.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on May 26, 2020, 11:03:41 pm
You have had quite the struggle getting your levels right. I'm so sorry you've had to work so much and fight so hard just to take medicine.  Keeping my fingers crossed that you will have smooth sailing going forward -- before, through and after your procedure.  You're a sweetheart Allie.  You deserve better from Lady Fortune.

Thanks Randi! Hopefully my fortune will improve with a change of Endo! Still, I'm at least glad something is happening, and I'm no longer suffocating with dysphoria! I so hope my development continues after I reduce my dose, I will know in a couple of weeks. You are a Sweetie too, and deserve much better, hope we can catch up in a chat again soon!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on July 22, 2020, 09:00:35 pm
I suspected my previous blood test was incorrect as it was 300% above the previous test! Irrespective of the numbers, I am feeling development, and so my dysphoria is hardly noticeable. My next blood test for E came in a 625 int'l (approx 180 US) which is closer to my target range. I discharged my old Endo, and my hormone needs are being managed by a local Gynecologist which will be handy post op! We are happy at current medication levels, and if the next blood test is close to the last one, I will add Progesterone to try get my nipples to start developing.

My GRS op has been moved forward to January 6, and as my dysphoria is low, and my doctor doesn't require updates from a psychologist, and she has provided my surgery letter, I have suspended seeing my psychologist. I am feeling so good, for a fleeting second I second guessed the need forGRS, then I saw the disgusting mess between my legs and dismissed any doubts. Actually, a couple of trans ladies have recently had the same procedure as I am getting, and their stories have me wanting it done now!!!

So we are in lockdown, and my connection with the outside world is via video chats. I spend maybe over 20 hours a week talking to family, work colleagues, friends and trans groups through my computer. It isn't as good as seeing people in real life and I so miss hugging my grandkids, but at least seeing people virtually keeps me connected. My ex wife and I have settled into living as friends and it seems to be working out.

So all good news this time!!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: randim on July 23, 2020, 01:43:48 pm
Hi Allie,

Great to hear good news!  I know you have struggled mightily to get your meds right.  So happy that is working out for you.  You've had to deal with more than your share of adversity. And happy to hear that your living arrangement is working out.  Hopefully you can get your hands on your grandkids before long.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on July 23, 2020, 04:03:00 pm
Thank you Randi! This s still a rollercoaster so I am steeled for the next down section, but the rises and falls seem to be finally getting less intense. I still have a long way to go. I hope you are experiencing some improvement in your situation as your rollercoaster has been dipping for way too long. It will be lovely to talk to you again soon!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on July 23, 2020, 05:22:40 pm
Allie so great to read you continued good news.  You deserve it.  I agree, thank God for the internet.  It has been huge I keeping everyone sane.

Stay well and safe,

Emma
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on July 24, 2020, 07:03:54 am
Allie so great to read you continued good news.  You deserve it.  I agree, thank God for the internet.  It has been huge I keeping everyone sane.

Stay well and safe,

Emma

Thank you Emma! it all has to come together sometimes, even for you!!!Zoom has been a saviour, but I am missing hugs!

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on August 20, 2020, 01:10:41 am
I'm happy to report my HRT is finally on track and reasonably stable for the first time in 18 months. I started Progesterone a week ago, and I know it's too early, but my left nipple has been really itchy, and is quite puffy compared to the right. And my sleep has improved! So that situation is finally working, and my dysphoria is quite low. Just the usual genital and body disgust!

Not all good news as I did have a small breakdown last week. It was a bad week and a number of events pushed me over my limit, and I made the mistake of looking at my life. As most of you would know, I never wanted to transition, I was very happy with my life, but dysphoria overcame me. I must complete my transition to survive, but to be truthful, my heart still isn't in it. My psychologist keeps telling me I have to accept my new life, but she can never tell me how!

Last week my daughter told me how she was in tears trying to explain me to a new friend, and to me, causing my loved ones pain is intolerable. This was a major reason I had decided not to transition, but I've ended up causing them pain even if it was my determined path not to do this. I reflected that I have not enjoyed the personal aspects of transition, and the only thing that has bought me joy has been the love and support of the amazing people around me. It hurt to get divorced as I was committed to be married for life, and my ex and I have a very different relationship now. I so miss intimacy.

I don't have any goals in transition, other than to reduce/rid myself of dysphoria. For some reason, dysphoria hits me harder than anyone I know. It not only destroys my mental state, but makes me physically sick. Muscles in the base of my skull tense up and cause me headaches and sore eyes, then my neck gets stiff and I can't hold my head up. Pain continues down to my shoulders and chest, and I get nausea. This has lasted months, so you can see why I really need to prevent it. Because I will never see myself as a woman, I don't have anything in transition to aim for, and I am perpetually stuck between genders, something I had nightmares about over decades. Yes, I am living those nightmares.

I have not found happiness since starting transition (HRT) and I doubt I ever will. I still have a real issue with being forced into this life, so when things go wrong, and I think about my situation, I break down. The only way I can cope is to stay really busy, but being in Covid lockdown is adding to my frustrations. This is the life forced upon me, and I have tried every other way, so I just have to make the best of it. I am spending so much time online with people to keep me feeling connected. I host a couple of trans groups on video chats for about 14 hours each weekend, and that keeps me sane, well sort of!

I have to focus on my pre op in late October, if I don't get re scheduled because of Covid! I need to lose 17 pounds before then so it's diet and exercise time!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: MikaelaA on August 31, 2020, 02:16:06 pm
Hi Allie,

I'm happy to hear you're back on track with your HRT. I know it's been a real struggle for you and it definitely didn't help with some of your transition. I've been following your journey ever since I joined late last year, albeit passively at times since I didn't have anything to add to the conversation.

I'm in a very similar situation as you.  I lost my wife of 35 years whom I still dearly love. I had to come out to my daughter between a miscarriage and her current pregnancy which sent her to therapy. Covid-19 isolation has taken a toll on me emotionally.

I know you have lost your desire to transition but you still have a significant amount of dysphoria. I've gotten very singular in my thought processes since I started transitioning. Maybe if you just concentrate on just your GRS and have that one thing to look forward to, you will actually accomplish a lot more such as weight loss and exercise which will produce endorphins, dopamine and serotonin which will go a long way with improving your emotional and mental well-being.  I'm not one to go to the gym and lift weights myself. My preferred method of exercise is cycling.  Find something you can do to exercise and also enjoy doing. I joined a cycling club that's LGBT oriented which also practices social distancing and mask wearing when appropriate. This way I can both exercise and socialize with like minded people. I think having positive social interaction especially during our transition is important.

Transitioning is difficult at best sometimes but please don't forget we're all family here and on this journey with you. I hope you find happiness and acceptance soon.  We're all here to support you.  Take care.


Hugs,

Mikaela
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on September 11, 2020, 02:03:18 am
Hi Allie,

I'm happy to hear you're back on track with your HRT. I know it's been a real struggle for you and it definitely didn't help with some of your transition. I've been following your journey ever since I joined late last year, albeit passively at times since I didn't have anything to add to the conversation.

I'm in a very similar situation as you.  I lost my wife of 35 years whom I still dearly love. I had to come out to my daughter between a miscarriage and her current pregnancy which sent her to therapy. Covid-19 isolation has taken a toll on me emotionally.

I know you have lost your desire to transition but you still have a significant amount of dysphoria. I've gotten very singular in my thought processes since I started transitioning. Maybe if you just concentrate on just your GRS and have that one thing to look forward to, you will actually accomplish a lot more such as weight loss and exercise which will produce endorphins, dopamine and serotonin which will go a long way with improving your emotional and mental well-being.  I'm not one to go to the gym and lift weights myself. My preferred method of exercise is cycling.  Find something you can do to exercise and also enjoy doing. I joined a cycling club that's LGBT oriented which also practices social distancing and mask wearing when appropriate. This way I can both exercise and socialize with like minded people. I think having positive social interaction especially during our transition is important.

Transitioning is difficult at best sometimes but please don't forget we're all family here and on this journey with you. I hope you find happiness and acceptance soon.  We're all here to support you.  Take care.


Hugs,

Mikaela

Thank you so much for your thoughts and support Mikela!

I never really had a desire to transition, in fact, I vehemently opposed it for 65 years until Dysphoria nearly killed me. I do have a chip on my shoulder about being forced to transition, despite consciously deciding not to. I never wanted to expose my loved ones to me transitioning, though the reality has been far less than I had anticipated. It still hurt them, and caused my divorce, but everyone has stayed with me.

I so feel for you having that sort of reaction from your daughter, and I sincerely hope your relationship is good before your grandchild is born. Children, and grandchildren are my life, and it really affects me to hurt them. My daughter recognises I am her real mother and I am first call for anything child related, and for babysitting. Her birth mother is not competent to look after children, and her mother in law has a drinking problem. My grandsons light up when they see me!

I try to walk an hour or cycle an hour every day the weather is suitable and it is helping me lose weight for my pre op in 7 weeks. I will also need to pass a stress test due to my age, so the exercise is helping. My preferred exercise is swimming as my feet and knees are not good. I used to swim 2 miles 3 times a week, but it is a little awkward to use change rooms now, and I am trying to reduce upper body muscle. I will increase my  exercise times in the next month to be fit for my medical.

I am focussing on my GCS in 17 weeks, but with both joy and fear. if it works to reduce my dysphoria, I will be very happy, but if it doesn't, I could be in a spot of trouble as I am running out of things to do to reduce dysphoria. That is my priority for GCS rather than having a female groin. It will make me more comfortable in the change rooms though!

With Covid, my face to face support is virtually nil, so I guess we all rely on forums for support, and I have found so many wonderful people who have really made the difference in making it or not. I feel privileged you have taken time to follow me and come onto my thread to offer support, you are one of those wonderful people I mentioned!!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 17, 2020, 12:46:56 am
Well, my pre op went well, my second letter is in, and, subject to passing a lot of pathology reports, it is all green for my GRS in 7 weeks! Honestly, until my pre op, GRS was just something in the way off future, but now I am stocking up on pads and salt, and it's all of a sudden not too far away, so my nerves have awoken.

I was having a deal of stress about stopping hormones for a month before my op, as my history of falling E levels has always seen me get physically sick. I get an unrelenting headache , sore, stiff neck, and waves of nausea. I explained this to my surgeon at the pre op, suggesting that I may not be well enough to have the surgery, but he didn't seem to take this on board. My doctor then spoke to my surgeon, and I guess then the surgeon believed me and came to a compromise. I am on both gels and pills, so the compromise is to remain on the gels, and drop the pills for the month before, and two weeks after. This is what I was hoping for, so my worrying has ceased!

All modern literature on perioperative HRT shows that there is no significantly higher risks in continuing transdermal, micronised oestrogen through out the period. The standards most surgeons work to were written with equine estrogens, which are almost no longer used. But as the standards say to stop hormones, surgeons fear that if they don't, it might invalidate their liability insurance. So that decision is all about protecting the surgeon's interests rather than the best interests of the patients.

After 8 months of lockdown, my state of Victoria in Australia, has eased restrictions due to no more Covid cases. This means I have finally been able to see my children, and grandchildren. I live for these people, so I can't tell you how happy it made me to be able to hug and cuddle them! My 3 grandsons at 2, 4, and 6 years old had not forgotten me, and cried when they had to leave. They went home 24 hours ago, and I am missing them so badly already!

There is nothing like having your hair done to cheer you up, so this afternoon I suffered the pampering and curling, and it really does lift my spirits!

Hugs,

Allie

(http://i.imgur.com/ZNg1zB3.jpg) (https://imgur.com/ZNg1zB3)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on November 20, 2020, 06:47:19 pm
Glad to hear your Pre-op went well.  That was great that you could see and hug your grandchildren.  They are so special!
Your hairstyle looks great!  Keep smiling.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on November 21, 2020, 06:31:11 am
Glad to hear your Pre-op went well.  That was great that you could see and hug your grandchildren.  They are so special!
Your hairstyle looks great!  Keep smiling.

Thank you Judi!
                          I am back at the hospital this week to meet the theatre staff, and look at the theatre, recovery ward and the wards I will be staying in for 5 days. I’s a nice touch by the surgeon so patients don’t have the added anxiety of unfamiliar territory. I will also talk to the surgeon and specialist nurse about pathology results and the fine details, so there are no questions going forward.

I went to visit my grandkids again today and it was just as wonderful! They are the light in my life!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 06, 2021, 06:18:45 am
So I did it!  I have completed my GRS and I am spending my first night in hospital with no boy bits, just girl bits! There has been no pain, and the bowel prep was by far the worst part! I am stuck in bed for 2 days before I can walk. I wasn’t too sure how this might affect me, but as the haze cleared post op, a distinct feeling of contentment enveloped me!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: ChrissyRyan on January 06, 2021, 06:30:34 am
Congratulations and wishing you much happiness.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: davina61 on January 06, 2021, 07:12:28 am
Well done dear, now you have to wait for Delvin to post the "its a girl" pic!!!!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on January 06, 2021, 12:10:50 pm
So I did it!  I have completed my GRS and I am spending my first night in hospital with no boy bits, just girl bits! There has been no pain, and the bowel prep was by far the worst part! I am stuck in bed for 2 days before I can walk. I wasn’t too sure how this might affect me, but as the haze cleared post op, a distinct feeling of contentment enveloped me!

Hugs,

Allie
Congratulations!!!!


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Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 06, 2021, 01:15:06 pm
Thank you ladies! I am in hospital for a week, so plenty more left in this adventure!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: mm on January 07, 2021, 10:00:45 am
Congrads, Allie, enjoy your girl bits and keep us updated on how you are doing.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: big kim on January 07, 2021, 03:53:50 pm
Get well soon
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on January 07, 2021, 05:29:23 pm
Congratulations Allie!!!  Get well soon!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 07, 2021, 08:08:53 pm
Thank you Kim and Emma! I don’t feel unwell at all, and no pain at all! I had a big adventure today, I got out of bed! Just stood next to the bed for 5 minutes, but it was so good after 50 hours on my back! The dressings come off tomorrow, and I guess it could get emotional. It’s something I’ve waited over 60 years to see!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Susan R on January 07, 2021, 09:37:50 pm
Congratulations @Allie Jayne, Your big day finally arrived and so have you. It’s been a journey you’ll never forget. Hope your recovery goes well with little or no pain. Take care my friend.

Warmest Regards,
Susan R🌷
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: RandyL on January 07, 2021, 10:40:00 pm
Woowee, congratulations Allie. I hope your recovery goes well.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 07, 2021, 11:24:12 pm
Thank you Susan and Randy! It’s almost surreal, a lifetime dream realised! But it’s just one more step towards a normal life!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on January 09, 2021, 09:55:16 pm
Wonderful news Allie!!  My doctor wouldn't let me out of bed for a few days too.  I survived.  Congratulations.  I know you are over the moon!  Cheers!

Judi
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 09, 2021, 11:40:24 pm
Thank you Judi!

I had the bandages removed yesterday and saw my new bits! I was amazed how little bruising and blood there was, just swellng! I didn’t expect it would ave such a powerful effect on me, and I broke down sobbing for the 60+ years this was denied me. The nurses were wonderful and held my hand until I composed myself. Now I just need to go home!

Hugs,

Alle
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Megan. on January 10, 2021, 01:42:57 am
Thank you Kim and Emma! I don’t feel unwell at all, and no pain at all! I had a big adventure today, I got out of bed! Just stood next to the bed for 5 minutes, but it was so good after 50 hours on my back! The dressings come off tomorrow, and I guess it could get emotional. It’s something I’ve waited over 60 years to see!

Hugs,

Allie
Sorry for not seeing this post sooner, but congratulations!

I hope your recovery is going well. X

Sent from my MI 9 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Devlyn on January 10, 2021, 02:34:51 am
Also sorry I missed your post, congratulations!

(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/0/59100-190518195520.jpeg)

Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 10, 2021, 03:25:36 am
Thank you Megan and Devlyn! My recovery has been text book so far, my catheter comes out in the morning and they might let me go home!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 10, 2021, 09:28:10 am
@Allie Jayne
Dear Allie:
I am rejoicing with you in taking this BIG step in your transition journey....
...regarding your successful surgery.... and your good recovery.

Getting the catheter ou
t and going home will be another good reward for you
...take easy, follow your doctor's orders
and continue healing....

Wishing you well in your continued journey.
       CONGRATULATIONS  to you.

HUGS, and more HUGS,   
Danielle
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on January 10, 2021, 12:34:05 pm
Thank you Danielle!
I have far too much invested in this to muck it up, so I will be doing exactly as the doctor orders! I feel like I have passed through a doorway into another place, and I’m not sure what will be different. Let’s see what the next few months bring!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on January 10, 2021, 12:47:01 pm
Thank you Danielle!
I have far too much invested in this to muck it up, so I will be doing exactly as the doctor orders! I feel like I have passed through a doorway into another place, and I’m not sure what will be different. Let’s see what the next few months bring!

Hugs,

Allie
So pleased for you hun! Xx


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Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 02, 2021, 06:03:27 am
So just about every milestone in my transition was spoiled by my wife. She was unhappy when I started HRT, I had to hide my new Birth Certificate from her (though she was well aware it was coming), and after 2 weeks of euphoria post op, she announced she was leaving me. Just as I was looking at coming to terms with myself after GRS, my life has been turned upside down. I need to find a lot of $$'s to keep my home, and replace all the furniture, cutlery, crockery etc. But the worst part is being on my own.

In my whole life, I have never lived by myself, even the 17 years I was a single parent, I had my children with me. For many years I have had nightmares about being a lonely old transwoman, and it was a main reason I refused to transition for so long. But now it is clearly my future.

My plans are in disarray, I have a consult for FFS in April, but I'm not sure if I can afford it now. She has known I was trans since before we married 21 years ago, and got used to me being Allie at home all the time, but no matter how detailed my explanations were, she still thought I was 'dressing' up. Starting HRT hit her hard, as she realised this wasn't a game, but she stuck with me for 2 years, even driving me to and from my op and helping me with bathing when I got home. Little did I know she had already made her plans to leave.

I knew it was always a possibility, but it was such an abhorrent scenario for me, I guess I grabbed at every hint she was going to stay. She has had many changes of mind in the past, each one lifting me up then crashing me down. When she made her announcement a couple of days ago I was gutted, but told her there would be no more changes of heart, as it was killing me. My tears are partly because I don't understand how she is so grossed out by me that she has to leave the house and location I know she truly loves. She admits she still loves me, but sees me as the ghost of her husband, but I can't help that think she is mired in transphobia.

So the 2021 that was going to be the year I really became myself, is now the year I live out my long time nightmare. Friends have told me it is a new opportunity to find that person who will love me for who I am, but I am friends with a lot of other cis and trans women not quite as old as me who have tried unsuccessfully for years to find a partner. I am 67 and don't socialise, so I am not hopeful.

For my immediate future, I need to sell things. And find a puppy. I don't want to come home to an empty house, so a lick and a wagging tail might make that easier. The process of her leaving will take some months, as we have to realise enough funds for her to buy a property to live in. And I need to work out if i can afford to live on my own as I am on a low income. I alway said this was a rollercoaster ride, but I was lured into thinking the ride had smoothed some, was I wrong. I really hate that my condition has caused me to lose the love of my life. It is so unfair.

Hugs,

Allie   
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Pammie on February 02, 2021, 09:29:20 am
So just about every milestone in my transition was spoiled by my wife. She was unhappy when I started HRT, I had to hide my new Birth Certificate from her (though she was well aware it was coming), and after 2 weeks of euphoria post op, she announced she was leaving me. Just as I was looking at coming to terms with myself after GRS, my life has been turned upside down. I need to find a lot of $$'s to keep my home, and replace all the furniture, cutlery, crockery etc. But the worst part is being on my own.

In my whole life, I have never lived by myself, even the 17 years I was a single parent, I had my children with me. For many years I have had nightmares about being a lonely old transwoman, and it was a main reason I refused to transition for so long. But now it is clearly my future.

My plans are in disarray, I have a consult for FFS in April, but I'm not sure if I can afford it now. She has known I was trans since before we married 21 years ago, and got used to me being Allie at home all the time, but no matter how detailed my explanations were, she still thought I was 'dressing' up. Starting HRT hit her hard, as she realised this wasn't a game, but she stuck with me for 2 years, even driving me to and from my op and helping me with bathing when I got home. Little did I know she had already made her plans to leave.

I knew it was always a possibility, but it was such an abhorrent scenario for me, I guess I grabbed at every hint she was going to stay. She has had many changes of mind in the past, each one lifting me up then crashing me down. When she made her announcement a couple of days ago I was gutted, but told her there would be no more changes of heart, as it was killing me. My tears are partly because I don't understand how she is so grossed out by me that she has to leave the house and location I know she truly loves. She admits she still loves me, but sees me as the ghost of her husband, but I can't help that think she is mired in transphobia.

So the 2021 that was going to be the year I really became myself, is now the year I live out my long time nightmare. Friends have told me it is a new opportunity to find that person who will love me for who I am, but I am friends with a lot of other cis and trans women not quite as old as me who have tried unsuccessfully for years to find a partner. I am 67 and don't socialise, so I am not hopeful.

For my immediate future, I need to sell things. And find a puppy. I don't want to come home to an empty house, so a lick and a wagging tail might make that easier. The process of her leaving will take some months, as we have to realise enough funds for her to buy a property to live in. And I need to work out if i can afford to live on my own as I am on a low income. I alway said this was a rollercoaster ride, but I was lured into thinking the ride had smoothed some, was I wrong. I really hate that my condition has caused me to lose the love of my life. It is so unfair.

Hugs,

Allie
Im so sorry to read that. It sounds a bit like the second worst case scenario for you and one you had real hopes would not come to pass.
You have come a long way and you have taken the biggest step of all (GCS) so at least you must have removed your dysphoria. That in itself must be a cause for some satisfaction I hope?
Sending extra hugs xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: RandyL on February 02, 2021, 12:32:10 pm
Oh Allie, I'm so sorry to read this! I had such high hopes for the direction it seemed your wife and you were taking. I had even proposed something like that to my own wife (which she rejected), living together but not as intimate partners.

Like you, I have never lived alone without an intimate relationship since my college days. Now I too am a 67 year-old trans woman looking ahead to a lonely life. Socializing? Not in my nature. Maybe we can form an old trans women's support group  :)  I do want to address my social isolation, but it's slow, especially during the pandemic.

We are at different stages in our personal journeys, but our relationships have taken much the same path. My wife was supportive at first, but as it became more clear that I was serious, she attempted to control me. I guess the true nature of my dysphoria sabotaged my attempts to comply, and so last summer we agreed that we would have to split up.

We lived together fairly happily until I found a place to rent and moved out last October. Like you, I am struggling to make budgetary ends meet. Leftover furniture from the house, utensils from thrift stores, appliances cast off by my sister. Unlike you, I am the one without a permanent home. I hope my wife and I can agree to sell our house in the next year or two as we had previously agreed to do (before the breakup). The house is too large for an empty nester couple, much less for a single person. When we sell it I hope we can each invest our share of the proceeds into smaller homes for ourselves. I really need a permanent home to settle into.

I am restarting part-time contract work as a software developer next week. This will help with the budget. I hope you will be able to make ends meet.

This is the future. Many others have successfully traveled this road before us. We can do it. Please take care of yourself, both in your physical healing and in your emotional journey. We love you and hope for all the best. Hugs, Randy
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: EllenW on February 02, 2021, 02:17:13 pm

Now I too am a 67 year-old trans woman looking ahead to a lonely life. Socializing? Not in my nature. Maybe we can form an old trans women's support group  :)


Now that I my wife of 40 years has died due to cancer, I would happily join and support an old trans women's support group

Ellen
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 02, 2021, 06:32:02 pm
Thank you Pammie and Randy,  A couple of years ago we formed a sort of ‘Keep your wives club’ on this Forum, and about 5 of us shared out efforts to retain our loved ones. A couple are still in with some chance, and I wish them well. I thought I had done everything I could have, and was hopeful of success, but alas, it was not to be.

I will get through this, but it just feels like my life is on a downwards spiral with very little to look forward to. If it weren’t for my children and grandchildren, I doubt I could go on.

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: RandyL on February 02, 2021, 07:04:25 pm
Now that I my wife of 40 years has died due to cancer, I would happily join and support an old trans women's support group

Ellen
Hi Ellen, I'll PM you. Anybody else who dares to identify as one of us?

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Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: RandyL on February 02, 2021, 07:06:22 pm
Thank you Pammie and Randy,  A couple of years ago we formed a sort of ‘Keep your wives club’ on this Forum, and about 5 of us shared out efforts to retain our loved ones. A couple are still in with some chance, and I wish them well. I thought I had done everything I could have, and was hopeful of success, but alas, it was not to be.

I will get through this, but it just feels like my life is on a downwards spiral with very little to look forward to. If it weren’t for my children and grandchildren, I doubt I could go on.

Hugs,

Allie
Allie, those wonderful children and grandchildren are your allies. They love you and want the best for you. As do we.

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Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Emma1017 on February 02, 2021, 09:25:29 pm
Allie I was so sorry to read about you and your wife. Change can be so brutal. I am thinking of you and wish you well.  I know you have the strength to get through this and to find the life that will make you happy. 

Warm hug,

Emma

Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 02, 2021, 10:02:52 pm
@Allie Jayne
Dear Allie:
My heart and thoughts go out to you during your difficult time.
             

I will continue to follow and read your postings...
I am wishing well...


HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on February 02, 2021, 10:03:51 pm
I am very sorry.  I can certainly imagine what you are going through.  I believe I have a good idea how I would feel, because I have certainly thought through the situation, and I know my own wife would leave if I start HRT.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on February 03, 2021, 01:21:10 am
Thank you Randy, Emma, Danielle and Rachel! Your support makes this easier. I am lucky to have wonderful people around me and I actually got some physical hugs today from work colleagues. I am still scared of my future, but I know i have amazing support!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 28, 2021, 08:59:43 pm
@Allie Jayne
Dear Allie:
Wishing you a VERY
       H A P P Y   B I R T H D A Y
                :icon_flower:     :icon_birthday:      :icon_birthday:      :icon_flower:

On your March 1st birthday please be certain to look at your profile...
...and find a special gift.

 
I trust that your birthday will be filled with happiness, cake with candles,
and with friends and family.

Best wishes to you.
Danielle

(http://wp.appadvice.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Happy_birthday_cake-298x300.jpg)
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: davina61 on March 01, 2021, 02:41:14 am
Happy birthday dear, I do lurk on your thread !!!
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Rachel Montgomery on March 01, 2021, 09:00:47 am
Oh no!  Sorry I missed your birthday! 

Belated happy birthday.
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: Allie Jayne on March 01, 2021, 12:31:00 pm
Thank you Danielle, Davina, and Rachel for your Birthday wishes! I spent my day showing realtors through my house to get valuations for the property settlement with my ex. Now I just need to find a large amount of money to pay her out, and this crazy Covid situation has meant real estate in my area has risen 12% in valuation in the past 2 months!

I did bake myself a chocolate cake, and received so many lovely messages from the amazing people around me!

Hugs,

Allie
Title: Re: Allie's slightly different journey!
Post by: mm on March 01, 2021, 06:50:09 pm
Where are you planning to live after selling?