Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Blogs => Member Blogs => Topic started by: Maddie on June 25, 2019, 05:13:49 am

Title: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 25, 2019, 05:13:49 am
Leaves dance in the night breeze. A whisper calling me to change things up and start a journal thread. 
Intended topic is present transition, growth, and change, although it will no doubt contain flashbacks. It's often hard not to look back. 
And may seeds of hope and a future grow here too.

My apartment has a south-facing balcony porch. This time of year, a few boxes contain green and purple growing things. Things do change here over seasons and years, as they do in Susan's Place.  I don't know Susan personally, having only been around a few seasons, but I'll bet you a peppermint leaf that she would agree.

Won't you join me here for tea?  I don't do alcohol or tobacco myself, but you are welcome to bring whisky, wine, or smoke if it makes you feel at home. I'm not your prescribing MD.

...

There are many things about transition I have not experienced yet. And I have taken on some experiences that may be prerequisite.  I hope to live and be subjected to many experiences. And survive them, for I want to live.  Here in the garden and beyond.

Welcome :)




Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on June 25, 2019, 06:49:48 am
Good Morning Ms Maddie - a garden of changes, how appropriate and telling, I like the sound of this. Indeed the seasons change and so do we, and life is full of changes, some really good, some not so. That's why I enjoy cultivating the good seeds of kindness, caring, and love that will grow happiness, and fulfillment into our lives here in the present, as well as future moments  :) Transition experiences can be exhilarating and scary, they bring about growth and understanding not only of one's self, but of others. I hope your changes are fulfilling Maddie and bring about resolve and personal contentment. I am happy to post in your personal garden thread and have enjoyed meeting and interacting with you here at Susan's.

Have a wonderful "growing" day  :)

Cynthia -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on June 25, 2019, 08:47:58 am
Hi Maddie,
   Can I come if I bring my hay fever? Ahhhhh-coo! I agree on the tobacco and only occasionally on the booze. I have noticed your postings more lately and find you to be nice and also sensitive. (In a good way) If it's okay, maybe I can drop in to the garden, you know, like three in the morning, crash the party, wake the neighbors, cause general mayhem, then sleep amongst the flowers.  ;D Seriously, good luck on the thread! I'm off to electrolysis.
Moni
Hi CynthiaAnn
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 25, 2019, 11:17:08 am
Hi Cynthia Ann!! I have already sensed you cultivating these wonderful seeds... in myself and in others here on the forum.  I treasure this!  It is too early for cherry tomatoes, but the first one to pop and turn red will have a little smile on its face, and it is for you

Ahhhhh-COO o!
Bless you Moni! Yes, please crash the garden party. A box of purple nectar-y flowers,  visited by hummingbirds, is yours to sleep in if you visit. I'm leaving a box of tissues next to it just in case

Thank you for bringing up electro.
I am enjoying my face changing a little and facial hair becoming more invisible these days due to this treatment. Have been going regularly now, but since I started it (Dec '15) have been upset at times with my electrolysist,  and have even stopped going to her for periods of months and even close to a year once. This due both to finances at times, and her dumping issues on me, upsetting me while I'm receiving the sometimes painful treatment.  It has spurred growth in me to hang in there with it, and even respect her views and pain, which are often not mine. My natural tendency has been to be defiant and run away from pain and opposition. This is not always serving me on this transition path. So I see this as growing as a human spirit being. In the now.

Anyone wish to drop in or even share changes and growth(or stopping thereof) resulting from undergoing electrolysis in your transition?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 25, 2019, 11:42:05 am
@Maddie:
Dear Maddie:
I love your choice for the name of your personal transition thread... "Ms. Maddie's Garden of Changes" 
I think that all transitioners can utilize a place that they can write out some details regarding their experiences, thoughts and questions regarding their own exciting transition journey.

This will be your place to tell your readers and followers about your successes and good news updates, but also just as importantly, you can write about your disappointments, discouragements and failures....
Writing our your feelings on your own thread is a good way for you to personally explore your feelings about the issues, good and bad, that you are experiencing. 
I absolutely find that for me it is good personal therapy to be able to express these things, not just for others to read and to give their comments, but I think it is actually much more important for the author. 

I also recommend that you might want to start your own personal journal at home... 
...I keep a frequently updated "old-school" Pen&Paper journal complete with colorful doodling and some pertinent pictures.   
Many times on a cold and rainy night or whenever, I can be found pouring though my writings to see where I have been, where I am now and where I am going.... sometimes with tears in my eyes.   It is always good for me to read and to ponder my difficult issues that I write about and then to think about positive ways to improve my situation.   Again, great personal therapy.

When you report good news, we will all rejoice with you... and when the news is not-so-good, we are here to lend our ears to listen and our shoulders to lean on. 
We  are  your biggest fans and we always are rooting for you.

Again Maddie, thank you for joining me and the other members here that are keeping their personal transition thread available for all to read and to share their thoughts.

HUGS, and best wishes.....    I will be eagerly looking for your future postings here.
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on June 25, 2019, 12:08:55 pm
Wonderful thread.

I've gotten all my vegetables planted and they're starting to grow anew just like me.

I can't wait for the buds to start popping out on the new growth. :)

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 25, 2019, 12:18:24 pm
@Wendi
Dear Wendi:
I just love how you worded your last posting here!!!!! 

Please keep us updated regarding your "garden" progress as events unfold, bud and bloom
on your thread "Wendi's journal with HRT transformation" and any other thread that you feel so led to comment on. 
I am frequently reading your personal transition thread to follow along with your transition endeavors...
.. please continue as you have been to keep it up to date....   I and the rest of your followers want to "follow" ... that is what followers do!!!!

HUGS and best wishes to you.
Danielle

Wonderful thread.

I've gotten all my vegetables planted and they're starting to grow anew just like me.

I can't wait for the buds to start popping out on the new growth. :)

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on June 25, 2019, 12:43:58 pm
Anyone wish to drop in or even share changes and growth(or stopping thereof) resulting from undergoing electrolysis in your transition?

It was the most painful, drawn out and expensive agony, one could ever imagine @Maddie. I invested over 6 years into this form of torture   :'( Started the first 3 years at 2 hours / week, and then was able to move down to 1 hour / week, then finally maintenance mode, and free. The lady I went to was nice, caring, and RN. The lack of growing out days, and all those trips back and forth, has given me a peace of mind today (took  >300 hours to be free). Good luck with it !, it's a long long road

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on June 25, 2019, 01:25:16 pm
Maddie, why would she dump her issues on you, a paying customer? That's bad business. Like CynthiaAnn, I'm on the down side of this procedure. I don't care to know how much it cost me, too depressing. I guess I have a high pain threshold, so I didn't think this stuff was too bad. Mentally, in fact, it helped me out a lot when I was dysphoric. It was progress and I craved progress. I might also be a masochist because I looked forward to going.  :o  If anyone reading this is planning lower surgery, ask if your tech does the lower area and ask if they charge extra. Some don't do it and some charge extra. My electrolysis person, Tricia, (and myself) think it is ridiculous and discriminatory to charge extra. I would like to know this policy early before spending tons of money on a place only to come back and hear that they won't do 'that.'
Moni
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rae321 on June 25, 2019, 01:40:56 pm
Maddie - I love the metaphor and the poetic intro. Beautiful. My garden is only just planted but so far the soil seems fertile. Here's to sunshine and rain! I'll bookmark this for sure. <333
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 25, 2019, 05:01:14 pm
The sound of a warm breeze calms my stress, and is so welcome, for I do not wish to be angry right now.
 Sun has broken thru the clouds, brightening the small growing things.
 My kitty likes to nibble on onion grass.

Thank you for stopping in. Let me grab a small green folding chair for you.

Alaskan Danielle,  I will follow up on your suggestion of a pen and paper journal. Next time I get to town, I will stop at a drugstore or walmart and buy one. Maybe something feminine and nice looking.

Rae, may your soil become increasingly fertile and us both be inspired by Wendi's imminently popping buds....I'm happy and excited for you Wendi!

Moni, I have to agree with Cynthia about the torture in the process.   At least with the lip area. The rest of the face doesn't bother me so much and I don't use numbing for it. But the lips....very different case for me!! The first time there she cleared it in three 1hour sessions with just a little numbling rub.  The next time returning to the lips, we hit a nerve or something.  I couldn't go back to the lips until we lined up a dentist nearby to take cash and numb me for lip sessions!   Not even sure if I'm ready to think about the other body areas yet, and I don't plan to continue going to the same electrolysist for those.

So...looking ahead, I may not be tough enough...yet, but with warm watering care and attention from the wise visiting gardening women, I will not wither!

Looking ahead, I have 2 hrs booked with my current electro, per week, through August, and then I have some other names my counselor gave me. He and they are 4+ hrs roundtrip drive away however.  My current electro lady is a much closer drive, and we have several of the sessions synced with the dentist for the lips.  She also accepts barter at times, though I am finding it best to pay cash when possible. Moni, she is conflicted with her religious beliefs, and those of her peers and her "regular clients" she gossips with. Perhaps wavering with guilt over the $ she gets from my business.  She has been in business a very long time and seems burnt out, with a myriad of perpetual & strange health issues, and is in the habit of venting on people she's working on.  At least on me she does.
I'm just glad to be numb when she's under my nose!  Cheeks, chin, not a problem. I am giving myself permission to weed her out of my life sooner, if needed to protect myself. I guess I'm holding on now to save time, gas $, and to take advantage of the dentist near her office.  I had inquired several places to do the numbing for the lips, including my own dentist, and none would consider it, until we found this one.

I'm still only around 100 or so hours into it, after 3 1/2 years.
Long seasons of clearing an ever-smoothing bed. 
I will grow and shine.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 27, 2019, 07:58:12 pm
Thanks for stopping in. Check this out..

Two male neighbors engaged in seated friendly discussion, below us, in the backyard under the porch garden...

Bartles :F'n shut the F up
James:I'm gonna F'n put my F'n foot in your ass
Bartles:I'll knock you the F out
James:You can't F'n knock me out
Bartles:I'm gonna F'n put my foot in YOUR ass
James:F'n shut the F up......

They can do this for hours.

I grab a spray bottle that I use to mist my hanging fern, adjust the nozzle, and start spraying them.
They fail to notice, and continue to expand on their discussion.
So I keep spraying them.
When Bartles actually gets up from his seat and swayingly steps towards James, I spray him right on his head and join the conversation, in the silly high voice I use often:

Maddie:Hey cool down you guys(spray him again)
Bartles:(look up and smiles)Hey Maddie, how you doin' man?
Note that Bartles genders me incorrectly (in a friendly manner), and I understand he does that so as to remain socially comfortable around me.
James:Shut the F up bitch
Note that James genders me correctly, which I also enjoy

Smiling, I spray James in the back of the head, since hadn't even turned around.
Then I laughingly retreat from both conversation and garden.

I will return when it is quieter.


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rae321 on June 27, 2019, 09:32:24 pm
Maddie, I'm getting laser and im wondering why you choose electro.  Ive seen several girls on here using electro on their faces.  What's the advantage? Won't laser combined with estrogen deal with it much more painlessly?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 27, 2019, 09:40:25 pm
Hi Rae,
A lot has to do with the colors of your hair, skin, and the settings used on the laser. If you have dark hair on lighter skin tone, you are a better candidate for laser effectiveness.
Some people get laser to hopefully reduce the amount of electrolysis required to clear an area. I interrupted electrolysis for a year of laser treatments  and it did reduce the amount of visible hair growing out of my face.
Though laser combined with HRT is reported to be effective by some people I've read, electrolysis is the method that is allowed to claim permanent results.  I've noticed that laser techs cannot make that claim officially,  but some results defy this.  Also there is a potential for skin discoloration with laser, and with electrolysis you don't have to avoid sunlight exposure as you will have to do with laser. (I wore a wide brim hat, sunglasses, and special sunscreen my whole year of laser.)

I cannot knowledgeably comment on the effects of laser treatments combined with estrogen.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on June 27, 2019, 10:05:13 pm
Thanks for stopping in. Check this out..

Two male neighbors engaged in seated friendly discussion, below us, in the backyard under the porch garden...

Bartles :F'n shut the F up
James:I'm gonna F'n put my F'n foot in your ass
Bartles:I'll knock you the F out
James:You can't F'n knock me out
Bartles:I'm gonna F'n put my foot in YOUR ass
James:F'n shut the F up......

They can do this for hours.

I grab a spray bottle that I use to mist my hanging fern, adjust the nozzle, and start spraying them.
They fail to notice, and continue to expand on their discussion.
So I keep spraying them.
When Bartles actually gets up from his seat and swayingly steps towards James, I spray him right on his head and join the conversation, in the silly high voice I use often:

Maddie:Hey cool down you guys(spray him again)
Bartles:(look up and smiles)Hey Maddie, how you doin' man?
Note that Bartles genders me incorrectly (in a friendly manner), and I understand he does that so as to remain socially comfortable around me.
James:Shut the F up bitch
Note that James genders me correctly, which I also enjoy

Smiling, I spray James in the back of the head, since hadn't even turned around.
Then I laughingly retreat from both conversation and garden.

I will return when it is quieter.

Can't wait to hear the conversation between your upstairs neighbors, Captain Morgan and Jim Beam.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on June 28, 2019, 08:14:38 am
Thanks for stopping in. Check this out..

Two male neighbors engaged in seated friendly discussion, below us, in the backyard under the porch garden...

Bartles :F'n shut the F up
James:I'm gonna F'n put my F'n foot in your ass
Bartles:I'll knock you the F out
James:You can't F'n knock me out
Bartles:I'm gonna F'n put my foot in YOUR ass
James:F'n shut the F up......

They can do this for hours.

I grab a spray bottle that I use to mist my hanging fern, adjust the nozzle, and start spraying them.
They fail to notice, and continue to expand on their discussion.
So I keep spraying them.
When Bartles actually gets up from his seat and swayingly steps towards James, I spray him right on his head and join the conversation, in the silly high voice I use often:

Maddie:Hey cool down you guys(spray him again)
Bartles:(look up and smiles)Hey Maddie, how you doin' man?
Note that Bartles genders me incorrectly (in a friendly manner), and I understand he does that so as to remain socially comfortable around me.
James:Shut the F up bitch
Note that James genders me correctly, which I also enjoy

Smiling, I spray James in the back of the head, since hadn't even turned around.
Then I laughingly retreat from both conversation and garden.

I will return when it is quieter.

boys, boys, boys, when will they learn ? sounds like you have the advantage of being "above it all".

That made me smile this morning @Maddie, thanks for sharing  :)

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on June 28, 2019, 08:34:09 am
boys, boys, boys, when will they learn ? sounds like you have the advantage of being "above it all".

That made me smile this morning @Maddie, thanks for sharing  :)

C -
CynthiaAnn, you scared me. I thought you were going to say those boys are all wet!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 28, 2019, 09:01:12 am
Can't wait to hear the conversation between your upstairs neighbors, Captain Morgan and Jim Beam.
If the Captain moves in, I will be stepping it up cosmetically, and shaving my legs twice daily...
Anything I can do to be gendered correctly by that sexy boozehound ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 28, 2019, 06:23:22 pm
Cloud...Rain....Sun....bean sprouts thinned, tomato plants warned for being aggressive...!

Incoming text message to garden:
Confirming appt 2pm July 3rd with (MALE NAME) at Infectious Disease Center...text back YES or NO yadayadayada

I do have an appt at that time, but is at "Inclusion Clinic" not "Infectious Disease Center", and its to meet a doctor who may prescribe for me HRT.  I saw her a couple of years ago, filled my preferred name in as Maddie, and was addressed that way then.  But recently, when I already confirmed this same appt by phone, I was addressed as "dead" name. I corrected this at the time, but now I'm called this again today, so I'm wondering....is there a change in policy...?
I call back to ask questions about the clinic name, but office closed for weekend immediately upon sending out the text confirmation apparently. No worries, probably a combined clinic that has different names.

Bottom line as far as I am concerned, they can call me anything they want, as long as they treat me with the proper care for my condition. I'm getting in on this, paid for by insurance.  I'm going in there with a few questions, and an open gut.  Because I need a gut feeling here. 

It's like looking a gift horse in the mouth to question a place that I can get on HRT covered by my insurance.
But what if this is some kind of nasty place that is experimenting on people or trying to get rid of them, like patients who have been basically pharmed-up leading to death because they were in the mainstream health system for cancer treatment without the right insurance or money??

Hoping my gut tells me what's up...If it seems wrong, I am willing to wait and find somewhere else where I can take the right hormones, maybe even prescribed by someone who cares.  Without being covered the insurance I can't afford this, at the present. How-ever, I will be resourceful and make that happen (eventually), if its the right thing to do for this!

Long shot here, but does anyone have experience with Inclusion Clinic in Milwaukee, WI?  Or Dr Jessica Francis?  She also is at Froedert Hospital& Medical College of WI, where she saw me previously.  My counselor works with her and has clients there, and some have transitioned.  He seems credible and knowledgeable, but I am still not 100% that I trust him.

Am I being drawn into a web???

My plans are adjustable to the many changes. This is going to grow as the spirits of nature rule, and not by my will alone.  I do not wish to be alone!

No one can guarantee their own life or death. Arguments that money helps are sustained, but in the end irrelevant to this fact.

And I must continue watching and watering and pruning to work my end of this.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 28, 2019, 10:21:23 pm
If I watch and water, things grow.
Through all changes of weather. 
Tap water or rain. Cultivated or wild.
It is inevitable despite my best intention, and despite my worst action
True life is perfectly imperfect.
And I need not worry about it, as long as I attend to the garden.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on June 29, 2019, 06:57:23 am


Am I being drawn into a web???

My plans are adjustable to the many changes. This is going to grow as the spirits of nature rule, and not by my will alone.  I do not wish to be alone!

No one can guarantee their own life or death. Arguments that money helps are sustained, but in the end irrelevant to this fact.


Good morning there in the garden, tomatoes are flowering.

You are knocking on the door to a dependency, having access to HRT / Dr / Scipts all covered by insurance sounds wonderful, and it is, but once you step into this world, you probably will not want to stop. I sometimes wonder about the possibilities that my lovely prescribing Dr retires or moves away, or I get a new health plan that no longer covers my HRT, or worse, or my body is no longer capable of using HRT, or access to the medicines needed are hideously cut off, by policy shifts and manipulation of the medical industrial complex completely out of our hands (not likely, but possible). I agree with your statement above, there are no guarantees in life, nothing remains the same, it's a constantly moving target and dynamic. It's up to us to make the most of the life we are given. You have an opportunity in the here and now Maddie, being flexible in your plans is a good approach considering the many "what if's". Money is not everything (it can help), your health and well being are. Think long term, create a workable framework of decades. You are not alone in this world, you are too personable to be a loner, you make new friends, you move from one scene to the next, what is the next act in the big show ?

Forecast is for rain, and with my naked eye saw, the falling rain coming down on me. I cast my fate to the wind...

Hugs

Cynthia -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on June 29, 2019, 07:57:46 am
I don't think I am very poetic in my contribution to the garden. I think in gardening I allow room for weeds. It can't always be flowers.  As far as HRT goes, getting on makes you feel better, why think of getting off. It is no more an addition than any other chemical we need to function. Our bodies just happen to not make much naturally. I don't know about the medical profession there but here in MD, everybody seems very cool with trans  people. Never had a problem and they are very good with names. Wait, I did have one problem at my colonoscopy and I ended up getting an apology  from two doctors, one the head of the program. They said the problem was one misinformed receptionist and that it would be addressed so no one else had the same problem. It wasn't name but listed gender instead. I never made a fuss, but I just mentioned my embarrassment. I doubt you will have any problem.
I'll be off the boards on vacation for a week so take good care of my weeds for me. lol Okay?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: ChrissyRyan on June 29, 2019, 08:02:06 am
I don't think I am very poetic in my contribution to the garden. I think in gardening I allow room for weeds. It can't always be flowers.  As far as HRT goes, getting on makes you feel better, why think of getting off. It is no more an addition than any other chemical we need to function. Our bodies just happen to not make much naturally. I don't know about the medical profession there but here in MD, everybody seems very cool with trans  people. Never had a problem and they are very good with names. Wait, I did have one problem at my colonoscopy and I ended up getting an apology  from two doctors, one the head of the program. They said the problem was one misinformed receptionist and that it would be addressed so no one else had the same problem. It wasn't name but listed gender instead. I never made a fuss, but I just mentioned my embarrassment. I doubt you will have any problem.
I'll be off the boards on vacation for a week so take good care of my weeds for me. lol Okay?


Enjoy your vacation Moni.  You are sweet and I enjoy reading your posts.

Chrissy
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on June 29, 2019, 08:14:10 am

Enjoy your vacation Moni.  You are sweet and I enjoy reading your posts.

Chrissy
Thanks Chrissy love reading your posts too. Now for the important stuff. Oh waiter, Ill have my 'mudslide' down by the pool. lol
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on June 29, 2019, 08:15:39 am
Thanks Chrissy love reading your posts too. Now for the important stuff. Oh waiter, Ill have my 'mudslide' down by the pool. lol

@HappyMoni -  :) :) Have a nice time away Moni !

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: KathyLauren on June 29, 2019, 12:15:19 pm
I do have an appt at that time, but is at "Inclusion Clinic" not "Infectious Disease Center",

It may well be similar to the clinic I go to.  95% of their business is dealing with STDs.  Trans health is a sideline for them.

On the other hand, I would expect them to be more trans-sensitive than to use your dead name.  The clinic I go to is very, very careful about that kind of stuff.  When I first went there, I had to sign in with my dead name because that's what was on my health card.  But they immediately asked me my preferred name, and that is what they have called me ever since. 

They are vary tactful when calling to confirm appointments.  They identify themselves as "the Health Centre".  Their full name is the "_____ Sexual Health Centre", but they aren't going to say that until confirming whom they are speaking to.  They ask for Kathleen, and are about the only people who aren't fazed by my voice when I say, "This is Kathleen."

They have all kinds of sexual health posters hanging on their walls, as you would expect in such a clinic.  Many of them are modified, with cis-normative terminology whited-out, and trans-sensitive terminology written in instead.

I hope that the dead-naming by your clinic was an isolated incident and that they show the same kind of sensitivity as mine does.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 29, 2019, 07:02:13 pm
Hi Kathy,
It looks like the inclusion clinic, infectious disease, and a couple other specialties are working out of the same place. I think they only see trans clients a couple of days per month.

The naming thing has happened a couple times with the clinic now. I will ask about it when I go there, but am definitely  not going to feel upset about it, unless it is intentional.
A while back here on the forums, I was advised to "run away" from the trans counselor who wrote my referral letter, because of her repeated "he-ing" me. I don't regret leaving that counselor.  But wasn't sure if this thing happening with the medical clinic was a warning sign of worse to come.  Especially  considering there may be prescriptions involved now.

I imagine the stakes get higher all the time.
Welcome to the next phase, Ms Garden :)

I'm more worried about getting the right care than I am about people properly addressing me. 
I misgender myself often enough to have plenty of patience with others on this!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on June 29, 2019, 08:50:30 pm
Hi Maddie,

I have had about 500 hours of electrolysis. I do one hour ever Thursday and one hour every other Tuesday. The opposite Tuesday is Therapy. I also do 4 to 6 hours a month in one session at Papillion with numbing needles. The next two sessions at Papillion are 6 hours. They use numbing needles.

GCS electrolysis, I did 6 sessions with numbing needles at Papillion 5 weeks apart and was done 6 months before GCS. If you get GCS make sure you do hair removal even if they scrape the follicles.

When I was on HRT for a years or so my body and leg hair was almost nil.

I use super numb and ice packs for the one hour sessions.
---------
 
When I decided to get GCS I made the paperwork out for name change. It took 6 weeks and those 6 weeks were very long. I think it was 3 weeks after I came out at work until I had my hearing. The judge heard me last and with an empty court room asked me a bunch of questions to learn about trans and transition.

I do think it is difficult for medical people to look at a chart and see a legal name and then think to look for a preferred name. I was not going to have my assigned at birth name on my medical record for FFS and later for GCS and BA.

There is not WPATH standard for changing your name legally. It is for work ID and preferred name. I was not going to have procedures and be called my old name.

So I think the old name and medical record issue is real and very difficult for a medical person looking at a lap top.

Name change takes time for a hearing then there is drivers license, social security, professional licenses, diplomas and post GCS 10 year passport.
--------------------------------
Garden, this is the first year I planted in 3 years. I plan to get some lavender plants tomorrow. You can always add to your garden and if need be transplant something. The most important thing to remember about a garden it to water, weed and feed.



Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 01, 2019, 12:50:37 pm
Garden, this is the first year I planted in 3 years. I plan to get some lavender plants tomorrow. You can always add to your garden and if need be transplant something. The most important thing to remember about a garden it to water, weed and feed.

Lavender :)

Rachel thank you so much for clearly sharing your experience and perspective.  I read through your post at least 3times, and find plenty of things to look up that I didn't know or think about before. Like numbing needles...those sound promising!.

500+ hours of electro? Holy holsteins! That shakes my hopes that another year/year and a half I might have the face clear! At least it clears my expectations back down.

Embracing long seasons of change
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Quinn on July 02, 2019, 07:55:27 am
I think im at about 170 hours of thermolysis it might be a little bit more but i would need to look it up.

I only do 1 hour a week now but from December 2017 to around march 2019 i was 3 hours a week. Now   she only works about 15 minutes on the face to clean up. In the same time period i have also had brows done they are getting close to done, ears inside and out, underarms, feet & hands.

I would say underarms, feet, hands, ears and brows will be complete by end of the year if not sooner.
Will probably need to start speading out the appointment even more in between than a week pretty soon.

I had an incredibly thick dense beard so i wonder Racheal if maybe you should move to some other type of hair removal if you are 500 hours and still going

My thermolysis technician wants to start inside my nose OOOOOOOOWWWWWWW ive been putting that off but might have to start a little at a time

Maddie everyone is different you may also be done sooner or at least get to a point where there is only spread out clean up appointments
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: KathyLauren on July 02, 2019, 08:26:12 am
My thermolysis technician wants to start inside my nose OOOOOOOOWWWWWWW ive been putting that off but might have to start a little at a time

My electrologist has done a bit of work inside my nose.  It's not nearly as painful as I expected.  Not a bit like the upper lip.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 02, 2019, 08:31:36 am
My electrologist has done a bit of work inside my nose.  It's not nearly as painful as I expected. 

it makes me cringe just reading your words Kathy  :o
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 02, 2019, 11:33:28 am

@KathyLauren
Dear Kathy:
>>>I agree with
@CynthiaAnn
Tears are flowing out of my eyes as I read your description regarding nose hair removal!!!

      Owieeee !!!
Fortunately I did not have to personally have that done.

Hang on tight  @Maddie   your time may be coming soon???
HUGS.... and tissues please!
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 02, 2019, 08:40:36 pm
@KathyLauren
Inspired by you, i asked my electrolysist to do a few inside my nose today.
Thank you for that ;)


Hang on tight  @Maddie   your time may be coming soon???
HUGS.... and tissues please!
Danielle[/size]

May there always be a box of tissues handy in the garden, under the overhang, next to cactus and purple flowers.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 05, 2019, 09:57:42 pm
Two plants share a box.

Tom is a sprawling tomato vine.

She is a spicy little pepper plant.

Tom is protective of his little pepper, and wants to cover her with his leaves.

But she needs the sun to grow.

She loves Tom, and will never forget what he went through to protect her.

Her love transcends time.
She will be there for him in the past, and whenever the past intrudes upon the now.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 05, 2019, 10:07:25 pm
Very thought provoking @Maddie - Themes of time appeal to my senses, she is of the present season...

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 09, 2019, 06:47:09 am
There are many reasons why things won't grow.

I have lived much of my life where there wasn't sufficient light. No southern exposure.
And other factors too, have stunted my growth and nearly killed me.
The parable of the seeds.

Over-tending is not optimal.  My instincts tell me that more is better. But my excessive efforts have yielded diminishing returns time and again.

Information has always been available.  Regardless of its form, the truth can be surrounded and hidden.  This tends to frustrate and cause fear in my soul.
My spirit animal has too often been the proverbial ostrich with its head in the sand.

Because I didn't want to know, and so shut it all out.  Though I can read very well and use expensive words, I never advanced into high school level classes due to the intensity of what I went through then.
Couldn't handle the flood.
Even recently, I have barred myself from the internet for a year or more, thinking it would save my life to do so.

Cultivating the patience and discernment required to weed through the jungle. So I can work with scientific nature in my garden, and not against myself. And the same in the world.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 09, 2019, 07:13:19 am
PS- If anyone that was following is wondering, I did have an Dr appt last week. I did not run away. All my steps have been forward. Tiny steps..
This is still being assimilated by the garden. I promise a report at some point.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 09, 2019, 07:25:25 am
If anyone that was following is wondering, I did have an Dr appt last week. I did not run away. All my steps have been forward. Tiny steps..
This is still being assimilated by the garden. I promise a report at some point.

 :) Good morning Maddie, I hope your day is a good one

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 09, 2019, 10:50:33 am
PS- If anyone that was following is wondering, I did have an Dr appt last week. I did not run away. All my steps have been forward. Tiny steps..
This is still being assimilated by the garden. I promise a report at some point.

@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Yes indeed, I will be looking forward to reading your forthcoming update report as you feel so led to share.

I love your writings and your parables that you compose....   
...very creative metaphoric prose that you write.

Thanks for sharing and I will continue to visit your "Garden" to read what you have next  :)


HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Quinn on July 10, 2019, 05:05:16 am
Good Morning Maddie,

For me personally finding the right Therapist was incredibly important. She helped me see things in a different way instead of living in virtual riptide of fear and pain she was able to open my eyes that there I could get out of the swirling mass that had been going on my head for 50 years.
  I have been able to achieve things I never thought possible within myself
I look forward to my appointments, we do not always discuss trans related issues, I am more than just trans and issues come up in my day to day life sometimes the same as for everyone else.
 I really hope that the Doctor visit went really well and that you were able to move another small step forward in your search for inner peace
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on July 10, 2019, 08:54:39 am
Hi all! I'm back to tend to my weeds!  :P Maddie I think you are looking to open yourself to the world more and more. I really think that is the answer. I had some experiences this week that made me want to 'go ostrich' but I know it isn't the answer. Too many flowers to experience and so little time. It bothers me that things bother me still, but the answer is not giving into the negative. Anyway, I hope your garden is not a place to hide from the world. I don't get that feeling. I hope it is a place where you can blossom along with your flowers.
Moni
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Jessica on July 10, 2019, 09:06:37 am
Two plants share a box.

Tom is a sprawling tomato vine.

She is a spicy little pepper plant.

Tom is protective of his little pepper, and wants to cover her with his leaves.

But she needs the sun to grow.

She loves Tom, and will never forget what he went through to protect her.

Her love transcends time.
She will be there for him in the past, and whenever the past intrudes upon the now.

Great parable for us to ponder.

Love your thread Maddie!

Hugs and smiles 🌸🌸🌸

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 11, 2019, 12:09:23 pm
Hi Moni!
Welcome back to the garden. 
...now please get to work sister ;)

Thank you all who bring kind words and water.
Don't you love and appreciate when pretty birds and people stop by to visit...here in this peaceful, green place...
There are also quiet spirits here-they don't say much...  Yet you can often sense them, and I think the plants like them too!

We are all good company.

Sweet enough?...
So...
Can I ask a favor?
I need to leave the garden for 10 days. Planes, busses, and automobiles.  Mountains, desert, and more.
The garden and I both need to be watered during this warm season on the road.
Will you stop in while I'm away? 
I will be checking in.  It feels good to know you're here.

@Jessica,@HappyMoni,@CynthiaAnn,@Quinn,@Alaskan Danielle, @KathyLauren,@everyone else and all quiet spirits

I really hope that the Doctor visit went really well and that you were able to move another small step forward in your search for inner peace
Thank you. I have to believe that any doctor visit that didn't bring bad news must have went well.

So, yes it did.. though not without mixed intuition based on observation.

The steps seem large to me and I am starting to grow outside my box. 
I feel fear, but am not rooted by it, unless I look too far ahead in the forecast.

I thought I had found inner peace already.
My emotional ground is more stable than ever, which the almanac read as being a good time as any to inject a small amount of chemical nutrient and stir up the mix!

Still assimilating the doctor visit.  Concerns appear related more to climate than nutrient.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 11, 2019, 12:51:44 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Please have a safe trip, and no worries about your garden... it will be here when you get back.

Be safe, have a good time if that is what your trip is intended for... and we will be waiting for your return.
You will be missed here on your thread and around the various threads on the Forums.

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 11, 2019, 12:57:01 pm
@Maddie - safe travels and I would be happy to water the plants here in the morning hours, because I'm such a morning person  :)

fear not, keeping one's eye squarely ahead but not too far...Life is here in each moment...

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on July 11, 2019, 01:37:09 pm
@Maddie  You can count on me. I signed up for bringing the manure. More than once I have been complimented on my ability to spread it. :o

Good luck and have safe travels. You will be missed.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 11, 2019, 02:31:15 pm
@Maddie

Be safe, have a good time if that is what your trip is intended for... and we will be waiting for your return.
You will be missed here on your thread and around the various threads on the Forums.

Danielle[/b][/size]

Thank you Danielle. I strive for safety, and to have a good time...even when things aren't going good.
This trip is primarily picking up an old car and driving it from the west coast to Midwest. Secondary missions are also related to transition.

The best part about technology is that I do not have to miss Susan's Forum!  I will be checking in, although I will miss the garden until I return.

I am vicariously excited and anxious to hear about YOUR upcoming trip in the works with your tooth fairy suitor....I sense that this is an Alaska-huge happening in your continuing story.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 11, 2019, 02:42:11 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

I am thinking that when you do log in from time to time during your trip that you can check in on your thread and briefly let me and the rest of your followers know that you are OK... 

OH YES,  my trip to meet my sweetie's parents will be a big, big, big deal for sure.... I will try to keep everyone up to date on my thread as I have the opportunity to post.....  I am certainly a little nervous but I know that things will be OK....  I will be on my best behavior!!! :) :) ;) ;) ;) :o :o :o


HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 11, 2019, 02:49:58 pm
@Maddie  You can count on me. I signed up for bringing the manure. More than once I have been complimented on my ability to spread it. :o

Speaking of spreading manure...there is something I feel I need to make clear to everyone visiting the garden ever:

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood


I am not intending to write parables on this journal thread. Not messianic. Really.
Flowery, kind-of-like-poetry maybe, but this is just how it is sprouting as I journal. 
I'm a straight forward person, and not trying to <nonsense> or waste anyone's time.  I would journal my growth straighter and drier, but darn if my garden isn't showing me beautiful things all the time!
I referenced the parable of the seeds in a post because the unfairness of that story has always touched me.

Thank you Moni for bringing that load in here and reminding me to spread all this.
I'm gonna drench these boxes before I go.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on July 11, 2019, 11:00:50 pm
Maddie, I never thought  you were trying to be preachy. To be honest, I am not the poetry type (other than Poe's The Raven), but I like what you are doing here. You are telling your story in your way and I think it is wonderful. I like your postings before this thread and that drew me here. As for my behavior, yikes, I tend to try to take the path less traveled. I kid around but I will give you straight forward honesty as well. If you ever think  that is not a good fit  for the garden, PM me, it is your garden.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 12, 2019, 06:21:59 am
It was just something I felt I had to say.  It had nothing to do with anything anyone posted, other than me.

I am holding on to you and my other acquaintances here like a baby sister crossing a busy street.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on July 12, 2019, 07:24:37 am
Us more experienced gardeners (sounds better than older sisters??) figure you are very capable of crossing that street, but I think we are happy to help. I am. I had great support myself. They made me believe what I thought impossible for me was possible. You'll get there, Hon!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 13, 2019, 09:36:31 am
I'm a brat and will probably try crossing the street my way anyhow.  I was indulging a comforting thought that someone might hold my hand.
But I have proven adept at escaping leashes.

So anyway...
I drenched the garden before saying goodbye yesterday.
Drove to Chicago last night.  Invited to sing and dance onstage with friends' band,  who are on the road out of Arizona.  Then to Milwaukee and returned a borrowed Jeep.
Slept a few hours, and now I'm flying today...
Weeeeeeeeeeee!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 13, 2019, 09:49:03 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Thanks for taking a moment to check-in with all of us that follow your thread and of course we also enjoy your garden.

... what?  No Pictures?   As you have most likely been made aware, the rule here on the forums is:
           "Pictures or it didn't happen!"

Continue to enjoy your trip... have a safe and uneventful flight and please check-in again when you have an opportunity.
Hopefully you do not have any difficulties with the Airport TSA security screenings.


HUGS, best wishes, be safe.     
Danielle

I'm a brat and will probably try crossing the street my way anyhow.  I was indulging a comforting thought that someone might hold my hand.
But I have proven adept at escaping leashes.

So anyway...
I drenched the garden before saying goodbye yesterday.
Drove to Chicago last night.  Invited to sing and dance onstage with friends' band,  who are on the road out of Arizona.  Then to Milwaukee and returned a borrowed Jeep.
Slept a few hours, and now I'm flying today...
Weeeeeeeeeeee!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on July 13, 2019, 11:04:22 am
I do hope you find adult supervision crossing those streets, brat! :o ;D  Why do I have the urge to say, "I am Groot." when in the garden? lol


Wait...escaping leashes? do you do that often? lol
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 14, 2019, 08:41:29 am
@Maddie

... what?  No Pictures?   As you have most likely been made aware, the rule here on the forums is:
           "Pictures or it didn't happen!"


[/b][/size]

We are held to such high standards here, the burden of proof rests with the OP  ;)

Just stopping by the garden to water in the morning as promised. The fertilizer smell is strong, so I lit some incense while I was here.

Safe travels and nice to see a fresh image here in your avatar Maddie  :)

Peace in this world (even if it's in our own heads).

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 14, 2019, 08:53:31 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
All is OK in your garden, I will be watering a little later since it appears that @CynthiaAnn has already watered this morning.   …   and OH YES, you have a brand new fresh Avatar Profile photo... thank you for sharing.

As CynthiaAnn mentioned, the fertilizer smell is STRONG...  it seems that @HappyMoni did a great job spreading the manure as she is famous for,  but I hope that the ordor deminishes soon so I can more easily enjoy sitting in your garden to look at all the pretty flowers.

I know that you have not had a lot of extra time but it is nice to see that you check in with us while  you are gone.
NO WORRIES... you Garden will be well  taken care of by all of your caring followers.

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 15, 2019, 07:27:49 pm
Thanks for watering, girls :)
@CynthiaAnn , i keep incense inside the sliding door, by the stove
@Alaskan Danielle  some pictures are coming, if I can get a computer to work the instructions link you sent me
Wait...escaping leashes? do you do that often? lol
@HappyMoni  Well.....I am kind of squirmy....but mostly I mean that I have proven difficult to tie down in this life.  I have been very guarded from people getting close, but also quite straight up with potential partners about things like crossdressing and wanting to be female (before the word transgender was known to me). While this at times triggered painful embarrassing rejections and bedroom ejections, it also contributes to the fact that I have no wife, no ex, kids, etc. Those who accepted me for a time in long-term relationships have either died, were abusive to me, or alcoholics, addicts, or criminally mentally ill(I am fortunate not to be any of these things myself)
 While this has been sad not to have connected/reproduced, I've been able to escape bad relationships with my health and freedom, and this does simplify my situation currently.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 15, 2019, 08:47:04 pm
In aunt Sosi's garden
(https://i.imgur.com/rY47pEY.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/9h2VzSf.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/wKtrYa1.jpg)

The past few days I have noticed that I never take my phone out and take pictures when I'm doing stuff.
Been onstage in Chicagoland, on a plane to Dallas, a bus in San Francisco, park concert in Santa Rosa, and the beach in Bodega, CA.  Life is cool.  Tomorrow I will drive to Portland, OR, in my new old car, followed by a long trek back to WI.  Promise to keep you updated.  Maybe even post pictures in my garden when I get home

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on July 15, 2019, 09:15:54 pm
Thanks for watering, girls :)
@CynthiaAnn , i keep incense inside the sliding door, by the stove
@Alaskan Danielle  some pictures are coming, if I can get a computer to work the instructions link you sent me Well.....I am kind of squirmy....but mostly I mean that I have proven difficult to tie down in this life.  I have been very guarded from people getting close, but also quite straight up with potential partners about things like crossdressing and wanting to be female (before the word transgender was known to me). While this at times triggered painful embarrassing rejections and bedroom ejections, it also contributes to the fact that I have no wife, no ex, kids, etc. Those who accepted me for a time in long-term relationships have either died, were abusive to me, or alcoholics, addicts, or criminally mentally ill(I am fortunate not to be any of these things myself)
 While this has been sad not to have connected/reproduced, I've been able to escape bad relationships with my health and freedom, and this does simplify my situation currently.

Wow Maddie,
   From what you say here, it sounds like you are a survivor. You dealt with a lot of adversity and come through it. I admire your honesty and your perseverance. After being hurt, it is natural to become guarded. The trick is to break out of that when you find someone who is genuine.  Holding everyone at arms length is a tough way to live, I think. I hope you feel like you are building your life on a basis where trust and happiness are possible. Hugs, Moni
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 16, 2019, 06:29:08 am
Good morning girls - it's a beautiful summer morning, and I see you have little tomatoes back home, and many flowers here on the vines, it should be a productive day. Thanks @Maddie, I found the incense and lit some more. Having simplicity in your life can be certainly used to your advantage. Being nimble and free do have their advantages. Free to travel, free to live, free to be you. Nice garden pictures you have shared  :) Bodega bay sounds wonderful (I always think of the "Birds" when there), and Santa Rosa is really nice (was just there myself a few weeks ago). I have wanderlust at times, I do like to travel, it's in my nature, and it's nice to follow along with you while you are traveling here in our little corner of the Internet. Have a nice visit to the Rose City Maddie and a safe journey back east...

Cynthia -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on July 16, 2019, 05:41:50 pm
Cool garden and nice pic of yourself.

Sounds like you are very busy schedule. I hope you take time to smell the roses.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 17, 2019, 10:22:09 am
Thank you ladies for wateriing. I am glad you like the photos :)
@Cynthia Ann we pass through Bodega and the old Birds schoolhouse on the way to the ocean!.  And a couple blocks away from my relatives in Santa Rosa are houses where the movies Scream and another Hitchcock film were shot. Neat area.
I am definitely taking a slower pace this trip compared to my usual MO., My new car is a 1993 and hadn't been driven long distances in some time. Taking the mountains in the slow lane, well behind the semis. Stopping for breaks and a litle rose sniffing.


ROWS OF CHANGE

There are more rows of change in the garden than I can count from where I am right now.  I suppose the furthest rows of change(for me) would grow things like post-op intimate relationship with a male, raising a baby as a woman/mother, or late life and health concerns as a post op transwoman.

Back to ROW ONE...: ATTITUDE
Depending on changes in ATTITUDE, many of the later rows of change could be unnecessary and irrelevant.
I have often operated as a weirdo, rebelliously crossdressing in public places of the country where I am weird and rare to do so. My attitude can be of defiance to the mainstream. Sometumes i am embracing the role, other times it's just a rut I'm used to. This paradigm dissolves when I am in places, certain large cities or college areas where everyone has seen everything before and I'm nothing new. It is my ATTITUDE that keeps me away from accepting places and people.
With my old attitude, there really isn't enough motivation to PASS or have painful expenzive operations. Can my attitude change enough to accept myself and others, or blend in more harmoniously? There is safety in passing. I have traveled lone wolf into scary places at night, and if I'm dressed sexy female...yeah...not the same if im not as femme.
Like I'm saying F** YOU, bring it on....It's self destructive, almost like  a passive suicide solution...without whisky drugs or cops.
Change in attitude...as if to conform more. Realize I'm not alone.  Try to represent myself better.  To try to pass and fit in. Accept myself and others. Become a part of the world instead of opposing and resisting connection.

Does anyone have anything say about changes in ATTITUDE and what it means to transition?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rae321 on July 17, 2019, 12:16:12 pm
I feel like I'm in quite the opposite position. I've always bucked norms and since coming out years ago i didn't care where I was I would express my sexuality as a challenge to those who would step up to hurt me, and now I need to do that even more with my gender. If someone wants to confront me in public over my gender expression I'm almost baiting them.
However, ATTITUDE definitely needs to change, but it's almost like it's changing on it's own.. organically. The further I move down the rabbit hole the less I loathe myself and the more I'm learning to love myself and to love others around me. It's like it's just happening naturally. Like a seed that I planted this spring by accepting my transness and that gets water every day that I accept more of my feminine nature. It's organically changing my attitude and I'm loving the change. Also, the more I accept the real me, the more I want to change the physical presence of her in this world. So surgeries and developments grow larger in my mind all the time.
I'm loving exploring this journey in your garden, Maddie. It feels like the right kind of metaphor to reside in. :)  Keep watering. <333
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 17, 2019, 05:07:53 pm
I am definitely liking the way the attitude is changing; in spite of both my efforts and resistance.

It is unneccessary to be a reject, or feel like one. 
Cultivate open mind  acceptance,, harmony.

ROW SIX : VOICE

I believe that this is a pivotal row of the changes in the garden.
I know in my heart that I can find my voice. It's not only femme, but it is cool and natural.
Yet I keep not doing this....This is a key to how i feel and express with others.  If I trip up and speak in a loud lower gruff way, there is probably something going on inside me in regards to a situation.

Thoughts on VOICE? Or Attitude?

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on July 17, 2019, 06:53:39 pm
I am definitely liking the way the attitude is changing; in spite of both my efforts and resistance.

It is unneccessary to be a reject, or feel like one. 
Cultivate open mind  acceptance,, harmony.

ROW SIX : VOICE

I believe that this is a pivotal row of the changes in the garden.
I know in my heart that I can find my voice. It's not only femme, but it is cool and natural.
Yet I keep not doing this....This is a key to how i feel and express with others.  If I trip up and speak in a loud lower gruff way, there is probably something going on inside me in regards to a situation.

Thoughts on VOICE? Or Attitude?

Maddie,
   I pick ROW ONE! Don't get upset with me, but I am going to give you my theory of you. It is intended as food for thought, and tell me if I am wrong.
   I think you have been through some tough years, years of emotional  starvation. You have had to be tough, you have had to keep yourself under wraps and, above all you have had to keep your independence. I think you were in survival mode for a long time. I also think you have the seeds of your feminine self in your bag, and are wanting to plant them, but your old starvation, survival self is telling you to be cautious. You hear whispers of, "Be careful, don't commit!" I noticed you say 'the attitude' not 'my attitude' is changing. "Caution!" You are getting the courage to say, "It is unnecessary to be an outsider or a reject." I think you want that very badly. I think the gruffness  is the old, the safe way to be. You don't want that. I really think that you are coming to terms with planting those seeds as this thread goes on. I see your intelligence in your posts. I will lay it out there for you. What do you want for yourself? Are you going to start a garden and abandon it, perhaps over and over? Dabble without commitment? Or are you going to plant the seeds you know can nourish you for a lifetime? Think about it. What do you want? ROW ONE: Decide what you want for your life.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 17, 2019, 09:43:27 pm
My first row is growing pretty good right now. I have a lot of gratitude and not buying another minute of past toughness. Tough noogies Miss Maddie!
It's just that I couldnt get to Row two without clearing up the attitude.

ROW TWO. PREFERENCES & DIRECTION
To date, I have never been in a consenting relationship with a man.
I have wavered on whether or not I have genital dysphoria but i have it.
No huge desire to have a vagina though, more indifferent, except in regards to sexual function, and perhaps being able to swim and change as female publically.  I definitely feel dysphoric in the male sexual role, and usually must employ Jedi mind tricks on myself. then it's alright for a while.
I'm really not strongly attracted to others,( genitalia aside)...BUT...
The seed of desire to be a female is strong and sprouting.
If Tom the tomato plant lets the sun through, Ms Maddie may want gentleman callers.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rae321 on July 17, 2019, 09:55:28 pm
With water and love sun will shine on row two.  Who knows what kind of plants grow there but you sound pretty ready to start planting.  If you're like most people you'll plant a little early and a few of the wrong seeds before you find the right crop for that row but when you do it's going to grow big.  There's a lot of heart in that garden, and nothing makes good soil like heart.   
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 18, 2019, 12:26:18 am

There's a lot of heart in that garden, and nothing makes good soil like heart.
Yes! The center and beating pulse of change. And one of my favourite classic rock bands.
Thank you, Rae of the sun :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 18, 2019, 12:45:33 am
 

  Are you going to start a garden and abandon it, perhaps over and over?

oh gosh hope not. not again
Ever since I've had southern exposure for some plants, there has been no abandonment for six summers. Sunlight helps!
Moni, what did you mean by "Caution!"?  Were you referring to "the" attitude vs"my" attitude? Or was it something different?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 18, 2019, 01:03:17 am
ROW THREE:  CLOTHES AND POSTURE

ROW FOUR:  HAIR, WIG, HAIRLINE

ROW FIVE: EXPRESSION & MOVEMENTS

ROW TEN: ESTROGEN

This is a journal. And a discussion. If something needs planting, or if the rows need to be turned around, please let me know why.
I like people who are still learning, no matter how far along or where they're at.
We each are working the rows that we can.
Things are growing all over the place.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 18, 2019, 06:59:41 am
Yes! The center and beating pulse of change. And one of my favourite classic rock bands.


aural enhancements playing in the background while watering in the garden....

"Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ed0T7RafOgY

C -


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on July 18, 2019, 08:13:23 am

oh gosh hope not. not again
Ever since I've had southern exposure for some plants, there has been no abandonment for six summers. Sunlight helps!
Moni, what did you mean by "Caution!"?  Were you referring to "the" attitude vs"my" attitude? Or was it something different?

Caution is the voice that is holding you back from what you really want. It is something all of us have as we as think of moving deeper on this journey. My humble opinion.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 18, 2019, 09:32:27 am
aural enhancements playing in the background while watering in the garden....

"Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ed0T7RafOgY

C -
All roots and routes to the garden.

I had meant Heart, but yes to Yes

Ms Maddie road cds this road trip:
Megadeth
Ramones
Miles Davis
YES
Patsy Cline
Sihasin
Bermuda Triangle Service




Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 18, 2019, 09:36:38 am
Caution is the voice that is holding you back from what you really want. It is something all of us have as we as think of moving deeper on this journey. My humble opinion.
I do like to stick my head back in the new ground when I gain it..  And it is hard to keep moving forward this way.

Sounds like this caution is a negative thing that stunts our growth and detours us from making positive change.
How do you manage caution?  I shouldn't just weed it out and discard it, should I?  Caution can be good too, right?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rae321 on July 18, 2019, 10:12:19 am
Tempered expectations are important in life but it still must be lived.
My favorite quote for this i found online.
"Courage is knowing it might hurt and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same.
And that is why life is hard. "
You can't stick your head in the soil,  life is happening out here,  but you need to still have some caution to ground you.
You'll find the balance,  just as the gardener finds a balance between between weeds and fruit.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on July 18, 2019, 10:43:31 am
I do like to stick my head back in the new ground when I gain it..  And it is hard to keep moving forward this way.

Sounds like this caution is a negative thing that stunts our growth and detours us from making positive change.
How do you manage caution?  I shouldn't just weed it out and discard it, should I?  Caution can be good too, right?

What's the saying? "Everything in moderation." Caution is a self protection and good. Yes! For those of us taking a different path through the garden, it gets in the way sometimes. Fear of the new is powerful. Caution holds us back. Too much caution, we bury our miserable heads and never move. Too little we could step in the manure. I sense you want to move forward.
I managed caution by bowing to it til I couldn't take it  any more. Then I took steps, watched my reactions, took steps, watched. When everything about my new direction seemed right, I stepped on to that freight train where, if I was making no progress, dysphoria kicked my butt. Progress was wonderful. I didn't need a few plants, I needed to be the head farmer of the farm. Too many of us trans gardeners spend ridiculous amounts of time, at the  market dreaming of what seeds they might get. If they once make a decision of what they want, I say get involved in living the life even if it is just exploring new ways, finding what works.
Sorry if my garden analogy sucks.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 18, 2019, 11:56:38 pm
Speaking of caution, I picked up a rough hitchhiker and his dog today and rode them east across Idaho and half of Montana.
His rapid conversation brought up quite a few things to think about, his chant reminds me of a friend of mine I call the Sinister Minister.  Conspiracy biblical stuff mostly, Like the female god being removed from the bible.  Witches angels and space stations.  Maybe I will Google some of it..  After several hours, I dropped them off where I had promised them, which was a good place for them, and kept moving.

Soon afterwards, I saw a brilliant double rainbow over the mountains on the highway ahead.
To my amazement, I realized that I could see both entire rainbows ends.  I don't remember seeing both ends of an entire rainbow before.

I realized that this was a fleeting special moment, and I had to do something.  Resting my hands on the steering wheel palms up for a moment, I said out loud that my life and  transition is with the Lord, and that I am hers.
The second I finished saying that, the rainbows disappeared.  Approvingly.  As though I made it through the door just in time.  I now know that to transition  is to be reborn.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 18, 2019, 11:59:22 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

Quite an interesting update from you.
Be careful out there, drive safe.
'
HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on July 19, 2019, 07:00:56 am
Maddie, I'm going to start working on row 6 more. It really needs to be cultivated and nurtured.

I know the more time I spend weeding row 6 the more it'll flourish and it really needs to start growing.

It sounds like your trip is very enlightening for you. You go girl!

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 19, 2019, 07:24:40 am
I now know that to transition  is to be reborn.

I agree with above  :)

The morning watering is done, everything looks fabulous here.

no trials, no piles, only miles of smiles for you @Maddie

C -


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 20, 2019, 10:19:59 am
@Cynthia Ann Miles of smiles back to you travelling soul


Maddie, I'm going to start working on row 6 more. It really needs to be cultivated and nurtured.

I know the more time I spend weeding row 6 the more it'll flourish...

Wendi, what tools are you using to improve your voice? Have you been recording yourself?  That is something I need to be doing more and more of.  Right now I'm lost in ROW 9 looking for collagen  ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on July 20, 2019, 10:50:27 am
@Cynthia Ann Miles of smiles back to you travelling soul


Wendi, what tools are you using to improve your voice? Have you been recording yourself?  That is something I need to be doing more and more of.  Right now I'm lost in ROW 9 looking for collagen  ;)
No I haven't recorded myself. That's a good idea though. I've been practicing while singing to songs on the radio. I've also been viewing some YouTube videos that discuss the femenine voice.

I'm looking into working with a feminine voice specialist also.

Row 6 is going to start budding! :)

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 20, 2019, 08:42:55 pm
Received a msg about tornado in my town today.  So I came home earlier than planned.

Very large trees down, including some just outside my garden.  Coming into town, I saw some smaller outside structures down.  Didn't see entire houses down, but I  haven't seen everywhere yet. People are wandering about, and there is no power in the village since this morning.  I'm going to log off to save power, and go check on some old people in the next building with a flashlight.

Welcome home!  Hope everyone's ok...
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 20, 2019, 08:46:50 pm
Received a msg about tornado in my town today.  So I came home earlier than planned.

Very large trees down, including some just outside my garden.  Coming into town, I saw some smaller outside structures down.  Didn't see entire houses down, but I  haven't seen everywhere yet. People are wandering about, and there is no power in the village since this morning.  I'm going to log off to save power, and go check on some old people in the next building with a flashlight.

Welcome home!  Hope everyone's ok...

Nice to hear, you made it home safe Maddie. Good luck with getting power back now...

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 20, 2019, 10:39:50 pm
Garden update:

Earlier messages received and rumors claiming tornado have been debunked.

Consulted with neighbor who has radio and works with emergency weather services. What we had here was 80mph winds, but no twister.

There are some big trees down nearby, but my plants appear to have survived in their flimsy boxes!

Still no power, we have a couple generators going here for people on oxygen machines.

It's actually pretty normal Saturday night with groups of people outside by fires or torches. The sound of emergency vehicles nearby.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 21, 2019, 03:43:42 pm
The garden and nearby treeline were protected from 80mph winds by two large trees that uprooted and fell yesterday, one on each side. Sad.

During this past weeks road trip, Mr. Tomato has yielded sun to little Miss Pepper, though his leaves are suffering for it.

ROAD REPORT
Just the facts, ma'am

WED 7/17/19 eastern Oregon, US
Approximately 3pm pacific time, Miss Maddie Maddington was flirted up nicely by Paulo, a tall, dark, and handsome truck stop cashier. 
Mid thirties. Not quite burly.
Maddie was wearing a couple pigtails, t-shirt, lipstick, and old yoga pants.
Paulo had a great smile, dark eyes, a confident manner and conveyed 100% attention to Maddie during the brief encounter.
Miss Maddington remembered to smile back, and believes she used a not-too-high smooth voice, while saying as few words as possible. 
She isn't sure what he even said to her, except that he said it well, and they goggled at each other for what seemed like a long minute, oblivious to the very real line of customers behind Maddie's behind.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on July 21, 2019, 04:23:07 pm
Awesome are you going back :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 21, 2019, 04:52:41 pm
Awesome are you going back :)
Not anytime soon.
I plead geography.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 22, 2019, 07:38:46 pm
Changes in the garden.

Tom the tomato plant is mortally wounded. His main stalk was weakened by the storm and snapped today. His little pepper sister appears ok.

My neighbor and best friend for the past 3 years died 4am this morning.
Barbie was 57 and a retired dancer. We traded food, jewelry and clothes, watched TV, and burned stuff in the backyard.  Once we spent the better part of an hour hiding in her closet while sheriffs pounded on her doors and windows (at our ages!!)

She always called me Miss Maddie.

Barbie asked me to play "Please Don't Bury Me" by John Prine at her funeral.  We would sing it together.

Her sisters like me, but I might not be invited to the funeral. 
I did sing that song over her, maybe a month back when she looked to be slipping away and everyone was sure she was dying.  Barbie was coma then, so can only hope she knows I did.
NO, I know she knows.
Rest in peace my wild badass sister.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 22, 2019, 09:00:02 pm
@Maddie
Dear Miss Maddie:
I am so sorry to read about your neighbor and best friend.   There are no guarantees in our life...  at any time these kinds of sad things can happen.

Aweee, your poor tomato plant.... you don't think it might survive if you replant the root???


WOW-WHEE  !!!   you have posted a beautiful new Avatar Profile photo.... 
....  it is no wonder you were "hit on" during your recent road trip.

Thank you for sharing and posting.....
HUGS,
Danielle


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 23, 2019, 10:43:32 am
@Maddie
Dear Miss Maddie:
I am so sorry to read about your neighbor and best friend.   There are no guarantees in our life...  at any time these kinds of sad things can happen.

Aweee, your poor tomato plant.... you don't think it might survive if you replant the root???


WOW-WHEE  !!!   you have posted a beautiful new Avatar Profile photo.... 
....  it is no wonder you were "hit on" during your recent road trip.

Thank you for sharing and posting.....
HUGS,
Danielle

Thank you x3 @Alaskan Danielle

Barbie's sisters and daughter texted and want to see me today.  I am lucky to spend time with groups of women, even wild ones with habits and drama!  They know I will miss their loved one too.  Barbie was good people.

Mr Tomato appears rooted and may live, despite losing his main stalk with exactly 50 green cherry tomatoes on it.  He is a remarkable specimen and I would not bet against him.

Very nice compliment about my photo ;)
It is so affirming to hear that you are attractive or took a good pic.  Today I am grateful and willing to work hard at this.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 24, 2019, 09:03:36 am
Mr Tom, despite his recent setbacks, remains overprotective of Miss Pepper.  I find him leaning on her this morning.  Though much smaller, she stands upright, almost goodnaturedly pressing up against him, like "really dude, I got this, just let me breathe a minute...

(I have also replanted the broken tomato stalk with no expectations)

ACID FLASHBACK
7/3/19  2pm Central time US
Miss Maddie Maddington arrives at Inclusion Clinic, Milwaukee, WI to see her hormone Dr.
Noticed no one else in waiting room before or after appt. Better than a long wait!!
Female receptionist in her 50s(rest of sentence edited out)

Doctor is female OBGYN in her 30s and remembered me from before.  With her was a male student doc who just rolled his eyes a lot.
I ask Dr a list of questions concerning my HRT that my counselor helped put together in a session.  Several of the doctor's answers are contradictory to things I've read.
Concerns:
She said (twice) that penis size is never affected by mtf HRT
That the penile tissue not used in mtf bottom surgery.
She tells me that she usually just works with women.
She said there are no benefits to using organically derived medicines, which is why they are never prescribed.
She was asked to take over the trans program by a doctor who was "seeing more trans patients than anyone else in the area"
She sees trans patients one half day per month.
Saw no one in the office before or after me, and wondered where all these trans patients went to.
There was no blood work drawn. Since my prescribed dosage is significantly lower than the lowest starting dosages I find online, there's probably nothing to even check for.  Fortunately I do not have medical issues that complicate this. It is an informed consent place, maybe I can get the dose upped next time?
The doctor displays a strange disconnection at the appt and in email correspondence that makes me have suspicions.

Female RN in her 40s comes in to show me how to inject because now I want to do that.
She is covered in sweat all down the front of her scrubs, and having trouble focusing. (Something seemed wrong with her behavior, my suspicion has fairly been edited out)
,Places the syringes and needles in front of me and basically says just do it, since she is having a hard time saying anything.  Then its "No, no, that's wrong" every time I don't do it right.
The capsule she gave me to inject was Testosterone.
I pass.
Fortunately, my actual prescription (not Testosterone) gets shot into the muscles so injecting is a piece of cake, just make sure your using a full dose of meds and not air.

Glad to be doing this, just thinking I need to find a different clinic in the future maybe?




<edit by moderator>

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Jessica on July 24, 2019, 09:19:55 am
If you feel that any doctor doesn’t have your best interest in mind, it’s definitely time to look for another....
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 24, 2019, 11:05:00 am
@Maddie
Dear Miss Maddie:
I am glad to read that you have replanted Mr. Tom’s broken stalk.   
Lots of water and perhaps some plant food will help.

Oh, and I agree with the reply comment from @Jessica ...
If you do not have full confidence in your present Doctor it is definitely time to seek another doctor that you can trust with your medical questions and issues.

I will be looking for your updates as always.
HUGS,
Danielle

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 25, 2019, 08:07:11 am
Plant food has been administered to Mr Tom. Along with plenty of water for everyone. Fingers crossed.

It feels like mushrooms inside last night and this morning.  Whole body. Good feeling.

Changes in the garden...or else that was a funny piece of salmon I ate yesterday  ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 25, 2019, 08:18:08 am
Plant food has been administered to Mr Tom. Along with plenty of water for everyone. Fingers crossed.

It feels like mushrooms inside last night and this morning.  Whole body, creepy tingling buzz.  Good feeling.

Changes in the garden...or else that was a funny piece of salmon I ate yesterday  ;)

Good Morning Maddie, just getting caught up on things here. So you've started injections, glad to read you had nothing medical preventing you from starting back up, agree with others if you are not at all comfortable with the medical professionals you are visiting, I would find another. For now enjoy the glow that is E

Just working here at the keyboard like I do most days, looking forward to getting outside and get my mileage in.

Hope your day is a good one

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 25, 2019, 04:47:27 pm
Glow :)

I should stress more how grateful I am to be doing this treatment, and where I am at right now. 
Seems like a long time coming around.

I'm watching the garden like a mad sentry owl, but its best to focus on the positives everyday!

Thanks for stopping by the garden.
Look, we have little green beans!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on July 25, 2019, 06:44:55 pm
Hi Maddie, I am sorry for your loss.

The Nurse was unprofessional, in my opinion. The Doctor lacks knowledge for proper trans care, in my opinion. Please find another provider.

It sounds like you are injecting intermuscular or IM. If so shot placement is important also once the needle is all the way then draw back and make sure there is no blood in the syringe. If there is you hit a vein. Back out and start over.

PM me and I will give you my phone number and I can review IM or subQ with you. I did both for a long time.

It is important for them to draw labs for T and E. It is important to be in a range for both. My doctor wants my T around 25 to 50 ng/dl and E for transitioning to be between 300 to 500 ng/dl. They want my E lower and I want it in range.

Mt doctor wanted me to do a patch or pills. I settled for cream but wanted injections of E and T cream. I get labs in 2 weeks and I will make decisions then about my HRT if I am not satisfied and they do not alter my HRT. I love the doctor I am going to and I am sure I can get what I need and be safe.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 26, 2019, 11:28:57 am
Hi Maddie, I am sorry for your loss.

The Nurse was unprofessional, in my opinion. The Doctor lacks knowledge for proper trans care, in my opinion. Please find another provider.

It sounds like you are injecting intermuscular or IM. If so shot placement is important also once the needle is all the way then draw back and make sure there is no blood in the syringe. If there is you hit a vein. Back out and start over.
Thank you.  She was a girl friend who only ever knew me as a girl friend.   I have been invited to her family's memorial gathering at a house next weekend.

Rachel, I respect your opinion, as I do everyone else who has transitioned and posted here.  A different clinic may work out better for me.  In the meantime, I will see how it goes next appt, and if they draw blood or show interest in my levels. 
It seems much easier ($) now, at least here.  For example, I feel like I shouldn't be so picky about health provider, because its much less expensive for me to go to than other places.

Its going to work out fine whatever it takes and wherever it takes me.

Going to try drawing back next time, like you mentioned. Pretty sure I got this,  but if unsure, will definitely PM b4 IM :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 26, 2019, 11:34:53 am
@Maddie
Dear Miss Maddie:
I am glad to read that you have replanted Mr. Tom’s broken stalk.   
Lots of water and perhaps some plant food will help.

Little Miss Pepper is perky and singularly fruitful.

Mr. Tom is beside himself.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 26, 2019, 11:57:31 am
Little Miss Pepper is perky and singularly fruitful.

Mr. Tom is beside himself.
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

I am so glad to read about Miss Pepper....

.... and regarding Mr. Tom.....  Tom has suffered severe trauma,
be patient and keep Tom nourished and watered and provide lots of TLC
,,,,healing can take a long time.

Hey girl.... just to remind you, here on the Forums we have a rule....
   "Pictures or it didn't happen !!!"

Thanks for keeping us posted and updated .....

HUGS and best wishes to you and to Tom.
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 29, 2019, 07:16:44 pm

Hey girl.... just to remind you, here on the Forums we have a rule....
   "Pictures or it didn't happen !!!"

Oh, it happened...

(https://i.imgur.com/78Ikzca.jpg)
Miss Pepper is glowing.  Mr Tom is broke but hanging on, hovering around her.

(https://i.imgur.com/9jRIAGc.jpg)
Tom's sister Tomisha.  She's cis.

(https://i.imgur.com/kidLYjd.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/JPx855w.jpg)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 29, 2019, 07:35:33 pm
Garden journal "before HRT" pictures: 
note that there are no real boobs  in the top 2  photos:)

(https://i.imgur.com/FGm4OF4.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/xj30IxZ.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/y15mpCU.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/Ai7k26H.jpg)

Change is inevitable.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 29, 2019, 07:52:08 pm
Ok Im on a roll, because I can't usually post photos ;D

(https://i.imgur.com/WJiuHTj.jpg)
Skip Saylor studios LA
(https://i.imgur.com/ulPbLGv.jpg)
Taking a rare swimsuit break while working Florida during my year of face laser. So close to the sun and pool, but I was good and stayed in the shade with lotsa sunscreen..



(https://i.imgur.com/g64KO04.jpg)
Backup band for a community production of Green Day American Idiot. Ambush photo post-show in 30mph winds with 3 hours of sweaty makeup running down my face.  But Im wearing 6 inch heels and that never happens, so here it is! My bro Miguel is far left and was music director.  I was bass and did cello parts.  I showed up at dress rehearsal and told him I was exempt from the band dress code.  He smiled and said fine, and then put my real name in the program and newspaper!!  :o



(https://i.imgur.com/EfEPTEu.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/3PdRqSq.jpg)
Rocking it in a gnr trib band. Im in guy mode in these.  See the difference?  Me neither.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 29, 2019, 08:25:23 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Oh my goodness... you are most definitely on a roll posting lots of new (and old) photos.   
Even some photos of Miss Pepper and Mr Tom.... and Tom's sister Tomisha.

It appears that you take very good care of your garden and yourself... water, food, love and TLC.
 
It is a treat to see all of those photos... 
....thank you for posting and sharing.


HUGS, and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 29, 2019, 08:33:17 pm
Hi Danielle!
I am definitely trying to take care of myself, garden, and Cheeto (he's the orange cat)-
Thank you for stopping by and perusing the photos. 
Come and pluck spearmint leaves anytime, I'm making tea now :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 02, 2019, 07:44:15 am
Weather is mostly sunny and cool.

Miss Pepper went to the county courthouse yesterday.
She has filed petition forms to change her name to Guy Manly.
This comes as a surprise to me and the other vegetables.

Kids.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on August 02, 2019, 07:49:49 am
Good Morning Ms Maddie, it's raining here and it's welcomed  :)

Ya never know about those peppers, in the end the truth be known....

Have a wonderful day and I think your kitty pix avatar is adorable (love the toothy expression)

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 06, 2019, 04:32:28 pm
The fruits of the garden come in just a couple beans and tomatoes at a time.

Today i got flirted by a big guy at a store. There was no one behind me in line, and I was not in a hurry to get away (I often get nervous and run away, but not today).  So the transaction took a little while, and he gave me a nice discount on my purchase :)

Definitely not ready yet to let it go anywhere further with a man, but it is nice to experience, and I'm hoping to practice and become better at these interactions.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 06, 2019, 08:27:42 pm
Age 570 moons
Height 70"
Weight 2019 high to date 209lbs, low to date 190lbs
05/21  205lbs
06/21  202lbs
07/21. 196lbs

07/21/2019 additional:
Shoulders 47"
Chest 42"
Underbust 38"
Forearm 11"
Bicep 13"
Waist 35"
Hips 40"
Thigh 23"
Calf 15"

As of 08/05/2019 Mr Tom's surviving stalk and Ms Tomisha have yielded a combined 10 red cherry tomatoes.

It's a small porch garden

Baby steps
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 06, 2019, 09:40:16 pm

Have a wonderful day and I think your kitty pix avatar is adorable (love the toothy expression)

Thank you Cynthia! That is Cheeto the garden monitor
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 06, 2019, 09:53:30 pm
Age 570 moons
Height 70"
Weight 2019 high to date 209lbs, low to date 190lbs
05/21  205lbs
06/21  202lbs
07/21. 196lbs

07/21/2019 additional:
Shoulders 47"
Chest 42"
Underbust 38"
Forearm 11"
Bicep 13"
Waist 35"
Hips 40"
Thigh 23"
Calf 15"

As of 08/05/2019 Mr Tom's surviving stalk and Ms Tomisha have yielded a combined 10 red cherry tomatoes.

It's a small porch garden

Baby steps


@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
This is all great news.... about you personally
.....and also regarding Mr Tom and Ms Tomisha....  nothing better than vine ripened fresh cherry tomatoes. 

Cheeto is probably quite good at keeping the birds away and from pecking at your veggie crops.... especially your tomatoes.  Be sure to give proper rewards.

HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 06, 2019, 11:36:59 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
This is all great news.... about you personally
.....and also regarding Mr Tom and Ms Tomisha....  nothing better than vine ripened fresh cherry tomatoes. 

Cheeto is probably quite good at keeping the birds away and from pecking at your veggie crops.... especially your tomatoes.  Be sure to give proper rewards.

HUGS,
Danielle

For his service as garden guardian (guardenian?), Cheeto is rewarded cat treats regularly
And pieces of meat when I eat meat.

The personal measurements are being recorded here and written down as a journal.  I am planning to note the numbers as they rise, lower, or stay the same, due to my choices and circumstances. 
My goal is 50 cherry tomatoes.

It seems that a woman transitioning in middle age should be realistic while at the same time throw away their conception of "realistic". And be grateful for what is. 
And I can't even imagine all that is.
Does anyone else here feel this way?

I consider the very fact that I am here and have any interest in noting these things to be very good news.

Also, several talking birds in cages have moved in below the garden.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 07, 2019, 04:36:53 pm
(https://i.imgur.com/QUfOnWB.jpg)
Woman at the well.  Cheeto and I are mostly artesian.

(https://i.imgur.com/CnEllai.jpg)
Going out to play a vampire game with people.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 08, 2019, 07:27:08 pm
A rough voice trying to gently hail the garden

Moni?...Hello?...Moni?...

Looks like I need to spread this manure myself ;)

Anyone here ever act in a transphobic or homophobic manner? 
If so, have your attitudes changed throughout your life?

Done that. Not so much since my teens and twenties.  Mostly based out of fear and ignorance at first.  Also had issues from things that happened to me from males and females that might have had something to do with it.  I started off convinced I was a girl, followed by heartbreak and confusion.  Then I fell for girls because it felt right, until sex got involved and everything was confused again.  Eventually adapted that, but at first I was close to hopeless...and then it would hit me hard with the realization that it wasn't what I was no matter how good..
I looked feminine when younger.  I would act in ways that I thought would protect me.  Maybe they did. 

Even just being around friends that said lots of phobic stuff could be considered participation..  Its like it was a basis of their sense of humor.  Whether I kept my silence or tried to join in (which often got me weird looks, like it was suddenly wrong because I said something foul), the fact is I took longer than immediately to grow away from them.  But I did in time.
Maybe they did too (everyone's life is changing somehow).  But I have left my life behind several times now. Don't really know how everyone has grown or changed from before. My attitudes have changed a lot.  Gradually.  No way of knowing where point G was when I was moving A to B.  Just like today I have no clear idea of point X. 

Even when I was in denial I was trying to manifest change.
 
Changes are happening now.


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 09, 2019, 07:39:04 pm
Leaves hang in still silence....

The corn is tall but no ears yet.

Quote for the day:
"Better stop saying the F word, or I'll get the squirt bottle"
-Sammy, African grey parrot who has moved in downstairs
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on August 09, 2019, 07:57:26 pm
A rough voice trying to gently hail the garden

Moni?...Hello?...Moni?...

Looks like I need to spread this manure myself ;)

Anyone here ever act in a transphobic or homophobic manner? 
If so, have your attitudes changed throughout your life?

Done that. Not so much since my teens and twenties.  Mostly based out of fear and ignorance at first.  Also had issues from things that happened to me from males and females that might have had something to do with it.  I started off convinced I was a girl, followed by heartbreak and confusion.  Then I fell for girls because it felt right, until sex got involved and everything was confused again.  Eventually adapted that, but at first I was close to hopeless...and then it would hit me hard with the realization that it wasn't what I was no matter how good..
I looked feminine when younger.  I would act in ways that I thought would protect me.  Maybe they did. 

Even just being around friends that said lots of phobic stuff could be considered participation..  Its like it was a basis of their sense of humor.  Whether I kept my silence or tried to join in (which often got me weird looks, like it was suddenly wrong because I said something foul), the fact is I took longer than immediately to grow away from them.  But I did in time.
Maybe they did too (everyone's life is changing somehow).  But I have left my life behind several times now. Don't really know how everyone has grown or changed from before. My attitudes have changed a lot.  Gradually.  No way of knowing where point G was when I was moving A to B.  Just like today I have no clear idea of point X. 

Even when I was in denial I was trying to manifest change.
 
Changes are happening now.

So, when you think manure, you think of me? I'm honored!

Meow
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 09, 2019, 09:19:15 pm
Wonder where I got that idea... ;)
@Maddie  You can count on me. I signed up for bringing the manure. More than once I have been complimented on my ability to spread it. :o

@HappyMoni, Seeds you sowed here earlier regarding letting go of old toughness are sprouting.
I need your advice and input, and wasn't able to acknowledge that right away.
Thank you for stopping by.

The garden is full of beans
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on August 10, 2019, 06:25:04 am

It seems that a woman transitioning in middle age should be realistic while at the same time throw away their conception of "realistic". And be grateful for what is. 
And I can't even imagine all that is.
Does anyone else here feel this way?

Also, several talking birds in cages have moved in below the garden.

Good Morning Ms Maddie, your question above strikes a chord (E7, love the dom 7th tonality, it's spiritual, I digress), I started at age 51, after decades of denial. I am very grateful for my transition. I think I had realistic expectations starting out, I also had counseling during transition and this was very helpful for me, in that I did not self destruct. My life was very complicated at that time, I've simplified things greatly now, removed the unsavory / unhealthy parts of that previous life. Life is good today, and I am truly grateful, like in every day. Simply beauty, simple things, I love every day people doing every day things. There is beauty to be seen everywhere, I appreciate my life, and I like to share. Some people like complicated, I like simple, that is my theme of the morning garden visit "simplicity".

We have an African grey named "Sammy" also, and she asks me "what cha doin ?" They are a hoot.

Time to give myself an E shot here, we had lightning and thunder here in the middle of the night, woke me up, kinda cool.

Thanks for stopping by my thread Maddie the other day, it's nice to see your comments. I love your Cheeto kitty, that toothy expression pic is great.

Have a wonderful day  :)

Cynthia -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 10, 2019, 08:42:13 am
STRUM

E7 chord resounds through the garden this morning.

Cynthia, its nice to see you  :)
Please relax in a small green seat if you want. 

Thank you for the sweet comment towards my beloved fur baby. 
Cheeto's natural expression is one of bewilderment.  Still cute in my mom eyes!

Simple is good.  My life could not be moving forward without having simplified it. 
I see people doing exciting things out there, and there is a lot I want to do myself.  But my self-management system appears to operate in a positive forward way if I keep it real simple. At least today.  Its as if by keeping it in slow gear that I will even have a chance to move forward.

I wonder is "Sammy" the default factory preset name printed on the eggs of African Greys?  They seem to be such neat birds.  Cool that you actually live with one!

Have your day filled and chilled with simple beauty
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 10, 2019, 08:58:00 am
Maddie,
   I pick ROW ONE! Don't get upset with me, but I am going to give you my theory of you. It is intended as food for thought, and tell me if I am wrong.
   I think you have been through some tough years, years of emotional  starvation. You have had to be tough, you have had to keep yourself under wraps and, above all you have had to keep your independence. I think you were in survival mode for a long time. I also think you have the seeds of your feminine self in your bag, and are wanting to plant them, but your old starvation, survival self is telling you to be cautious. You hear whispers of, "Be careful, don't commit!" I noticed you say 'the attitude' not 'my attitude' is changing. "Caution!" You are getting the courage to say, "It is unnecessary to be an outsider or a reject." I think you want that very badly. I think the gruffness  is the old, the safe way to be. You don't want that. I really think that you are coming to terms with planting those seeds as this thread goes on. I see your intelligence in your posts. I will lay it out there for you. What do you want for yourself? Are you going to start a garden and abandon it, perhaps over and over? Dabble without commitment? Or are you going to plant the seeds you know can nourish you for a lifetime? Think about it. What do you want? ROW ONE: Decide what you want for your life.
@HappyMoni
ROW ONE  I want to overcome the social, physical and sexual obstacles in my life (dysphorias?).
I believe that this involves physically transitioning and being the female in the PIV equation.  Which is unfamiliar territory, yet I am sensing or as natural.  I feel a need to break down my walls that keep me "safe" and free of love, life, and connection.  Sensing that this is possible, looking around to find the way there.

I do not plan to abandon the garden.  But plans change when the manure hits the fan.
The garden may move, change, or be transplanted.  Everything changes.  It may die sooner than I want. 
But I water it today.

Maintaining an uneasy truce with spiders
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on August 10, 2019, 03:14:09 pm
Is this the answer to my question? "Maddie, what do you want for yourself?" It is not easy to see sometimes. That is okay. It is sometimes good to take the time necessary to figure it out. Everything builds  off the answer to that question though, doesn't it? At some point, wondering gets old, we need our direction. It can get derailed, you are right. It doesn't mean we shouldn't find our dream and bust our butt to live it. Maddie, do you know yet? What do you want for yourself?
Moni XO
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 10, 2019, 03:59:48 pm
Is this the answer to my question? "Maddie, what do you want for yourself?" Maddie, do you know yet? What do you want for yourself?
Moni XO
Moni, I thought I just answered the question. Sorry if my words get lost in all the leaves.
I want to physically, sexually, and socially transition to female.
I have been working towards this, one way or another, daily for nearly 4 years.  And it took this long of a sustained effort to convince myself I was committed enough to continue with the further medical and legal steps I'm in early stages of now.  No doubt someone else could have gotten further in transition and life in that time, but hey...I gotta be me....
If that isn't a complete answer, then sorry I don't understand your question.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on August 10, 2019, 05:21:46 pm
Hi Maddie,

I have a Gantt chart with milestones (I am a geek).There is a 2 year time when nothing much changed in 2014 to 2015. Then an agreement  was retracted. I could not go backwards so I went forward at full speed. 5/15 name change, 9/2016 FFS and 11/2016 GCS. Then hair then BA.

When you are ready then you will go forward. It is not a race it is your life and you are in charge.

My brother in law, ex wife and daughter use my old name. They could not grasp the change and adjust.

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 11, 2019, 07:18:44 am

I have a Gantt chart with milestones (I am a geek).There is a 2 year time when nothing much changed in 2014 to 2015. Then an agreement  was retracted. I could not go backwards so I went forward at full speed. 5/15 name change, 9/2016 FFS and 11/2016 GCS. Then hair then BA.

When you are ready then you will go forward. It is not a race it is your life and you are in charge.

My brother in law, ex wife and daughter use my old name. They could not grasp the change and adjust.

Never heard of that, so I googled the Gantt.  Graphs and things that resemble math, mechanics, and science boggle me.  (I think I use expensive words, but I didn't get to high school level classes in any subject)

But I am a geek at heart, and my friends often fit that bill..
From what I've read, the pioneer transitioners are/were often science and mechanical minded, resourceful individuals.  But there are some flighty artsy types too..all kinds of personalities really.
The talents and experience of many users of this forum today are impressive to me and beyond my scope.
Sometimes I Gantt believe it.

I have been moving forward.  Like a snail.  So far, tried a few counselors, and been slow but steady with electrolysis on my face.  Just started HRT and legal change process, with no changes to report yet.  My finances and employment history are not condusive to the more rapid succession of cosmetic surgeries I see on some folks timelines.  But my lifelong depression and frustrated mind have been evaporating!  The new me will be okay.
Glad it's not a race.

I think my changes will be like the plants here.  If you watch them, its darn impossible to see them grow.  And then "suddenly" things are popping.  I swear that giant bean wasn't there yesterday....

Sorry about your family members that won't accept the wonderful amazing changes in you Rachel.  Hope your happiness and excitement about life today helps with that pain.  People think what they want, but between you and me, I think they need an adjustment, stat.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on August 12, 2019, 09:17:54 am
Hi Maddie,

Don't be discouraged by pace.  Slow and steady will work just fine, and that will give you time to adjust and grow into your new life.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 13, 2019, 11:26:15 pm
Hi Maddie,

Don't be discouraged by pace.  Slow and steady will work just fine, and that will give you time to adjust and grow into your new life.

Sounds good to me Randi :)
Thank you for stopping by sister

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 13, 2019, 11:56:15 pm
The growing things like a sunny southern face.
Much better than a narrow blurry window with no direct light.
Years of darkness to which I gave sincere effort to beating this thing in me that is now called dysphoria. Transition seemed like an impossibility. So why not stomp it out before it grows?
But it grew anyway. 

Stark seasons in the past where plants withered in conditions that did not suit their growth.
Time and time again I would fail to take root. Could not, would not thrive or integrate because I was stuck in the wrong body/mode/personality/groove/gender.
Strewing seeds uphill, hoping that some of them might grow one day.
And one day some grew.

Buds of promise, or nothing at all...
It's early, but I get a feeling I might be one who HRT really likes.
Whether the nutrient transforms my body or balances my soul.
These are all good things
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Faith on August 14, 2019, 06:11:04 am
I decided that I should finally come in and look around ... I tripped on the threshold and faceplanted. Yep, that's how I roll.

Oh. Hi Maddie, nice shoes
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on August 14, 2019, 06:24:56 am


The growing things like a sunny southern face.
Much better than a narrow blurry window with no direct light.
Years of darkness to which I gave sincere effort to beating this thing in me that is now called dysphoria. Transition seemed like an impossibility. So why not stomp it out before it grows?
But it grew anyway. 

Stark seasons in the past where plants withered in conditions that did not suit their growth.
Time and time again I would fail to take root. Could not, would not thrive or integrate because I was stuck in the wrong body/mode/personality/groove/gender.
Strewing seeds uphill, hoping that some of them might grow one day.
And one day some grew.

Buds of promise, or nothing at all...
It's early, but I get a feeling I might be one who HRT really likes.
Whether the nutrient transforms my body or balances my soul.
These are all good things

That first part is a great description of what I tried to do for a long time.  Stomp it out before it grows.  Every time I stomped it down it would eventually grow back even stronger.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on August 14, 2019, 07:47:50 am
The growing things like a sunny southern face.
Much better than a narrow blurry window with no direct light.
Years of darkness to which I gave sincere effort to beating this thing in me that is now called dysphoria. Transition seemed like an impossibility. So why not stomp it out before it grows?
But it grew anyway. 

Stark seasons in the past where plants withered in conditions that did not suit their growth.
Time and time again I would fail to take root. Could not, would not thrive or integrate because I was stuck in the wrong body/mode/personality/groove/gender.
Strewing seeds uphill, hoping that some of them might grow one day.
And one day some grew.

Buds of promise, or nothing at all...
It's early, but I get a feeling I might be one who HRT really likes.
Whether the nutrient transforms my body or balances my soul.
These are all good things

Maddie,
   I did not mean to be obnoxious with my question of what you want for yourself, but your message here is why I was asking for you to be very clear. It was in no way a criticism of your pace. Someone who took over 50 years to transition has no room to talk about anyone else's pace. Many of us alternate between progress and stagnation. From what you have said, you seemed to be wanting to leave some of the old behind but also naturally seemed a little hesitant or unsure. I could be seeing this wrong, but that was my impression. In my process, I finally made a statement to myself that this is my reality, this is what I want, and this is what will happen. It was my mission statement and I built on it. You sounded very clear about what you want in your posts. I was happy for you for that. All you have to do is look around here a while and it is easy to find people in the limbo hell of not knowing what to do. Not knowing one's direction causes pain and anxiety and my heart goes out to them. Been there, done that! You described your journey very well above. It is much more poetic than what I am capable of. I'm a face planter like Faith when it comes to that. It is your garden and I am merely the manure spreader so keep the limitations of my ability in mind.
Moni
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 15, 2019, 07:55:42 am
Hello?
<< Steps into the garden,  trips over two prone females, faceplants next to Faith and Moni.

Oh hi.  Garden party!  Thanks for dropping in  ;)

(Looking up)
Hi Tanya!   Yep. Everything I stomped back down into the ground, popped back up stronger.  Denial was essential part of the mindset.  I was really trying to be a mail.  Except when I wasn't.
The mail could not prevail.  But I kept going to my box to check for a winning sweepstakes notice.

Moni, its all good between you, me, and the cacti.  Here, have a green seat (no not the cactus!)
I was a little worried about not answering your question when you first asked it.  While I am apprehensive about the path of transition mtf,  I am as sure as I've ever been.  Hope I am able to make this my mission statement and hang In to it through all changes in the weather.

I can offer tea, water, or raid the neighbors' whiskey.
Cheers, ladies!
To no more limbo hell
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on August 15, 2019, 01:41:53 pm
Garden Party?  Cool.  Though in Wisconsin we should be drinking Brandy Old Fashioneds.  I learned to make a really good version from my cousin's husband last week. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on August 15, 2019, 01:46:13 pm
Cheers Maddie, to no more limbo  hell!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Faith on August 18, 2019, 06:37:19 am
"Swell party, where's the whisky?"
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on August 18, 2019, 07:42:46 am


Whiskey's in the jar

At your place

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 18, 2019, 05:39:06 pm
Garden Party?  Cool.  Though in Wisconsin we should be drinking Brandy Old Fashioneds.  I learned to make a really good version from my cousin's husband last week. 
yes that sounds very Wisco
(Looking into cabinets and fridge)
Hmm...lets see...brandy, 7up, bitters, cherry juice...
I have none of these things handy, oh no!
(Runs downstairs and back)
Will ice beer work?

Actually, I'm just drinking water.  Like a plant.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on August 18, 2019, 05:48:22 pm
yes that sounds very Wisco
(Looking into cabinets and fridge)
Hmm...lets see...brandy, 7up, bitters, cherry juice...
I have none of these things handy, oh no!
(Runs downstairs and back)
Will ice beer work?

Actually, I'm just drinking water.  Like a plant.
Cherry juice was the magic ingredient. Easier and not quite as sweet as muddling sugar. Might make me one later tonight .

Haven't heard from Faith, maybe she found the whiskey jar.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 19, 2019, 07:24:06 pm
The spiders love it here.  I have mixed feelings towards them.

Changes creep sssslowly.  Pruning?  I am hacking away towards tangible goals.  Better take care not to uproot anything good growing.

There is a big hairy beast in the garden.   
Sometimes it just won't leave.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on August 19, 2019, 09:19:08 pm
Maddie, I suspect you have a deft touch when it comes to pruning.  It's a gift really.  My thumb is quite brown.  :(
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 22, 2019, 11:40:41 am
(https://i.imgur.com/Xc16Udd.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/EM1uqwg.jpg)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on August 22, 2019, 12:13:01 pm
Nice produce  :), the walla walla sweets are in season.

Busty pix in avatar  8)

I can visualize the garden, thanks for sharing...

Have a lovely day Maddie

C -

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 22, 2019, 12:15:50 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Thank you for treating me and the rest of your followers to your beautiful photos of the fruit (and vegetable) of your garden.   I love the photo of looking through your patio window toward your garden... and a beautiful wind chime ??? too.   

Now, me say also that I love your Avatar/Profile picture!!!!

Thank you for sharing and keeping us all up to date with your postings on your thread.

HUGS, and best wishes,
Danielle

 
(https://i.imgur.com/Xc16Udd.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/EM1uqwg.jpg)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 22, 2019, 05:47:03 pm
Maddie, I suspect you have a deft touch when it comes to pruning.  It's a gift really.  My thumb is quite brown.  :(
Randi, I was a city dude with no green thumb.  Always had one whithering plant going. I've only had stuff grow and not die since I have had a southern facing windows with sun. Whodathunkit?

Nice produce  :), the walla walla sweets are in season.

Busty pix in avatar  8)

I can visualize the garden, thanks for sharing...

Have a lovely day Maddie

C -


@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Thank you for treating me and the rest of your followers to your beautiful photos of the fruit (and vegetable) of your garden.   I love the photo of looking through your patio window toward your garden... and a beautiful wind chime ??? too.   

Now, me say also that I love your Avatar/Profile picture!!!!

Thank you for sharing and keeping us all up to date with your postings on your thread.

HUGS, and best wishes,
Danielle

 

@CynthiaAnn @AlaskanDanielle
I'm glad you like my new avatar!  Ive been thinking busty thoughts ;)
That is how I went to go be with people last night.  I wore blue jeans and sandals with it.

I shot a batch of pix of my apartment, and thought the one with the fruit looked...photoish. 
But must come clean to say that the only produce from my humble garden are some cherry tomatoes and green beans




Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 22, 2019, 05:50:04 pm
So I was posing in the garden the other day.
These photos are here in the garden because they are really me as I am here. 
 Big smiling thank you Alaskan Danielle for helping me posting photos :)

My face has been weekly electro'd, so about half the time I'm not shaven.  Usually the same half of the time I feel like taking pics!

I try to dial it up a notch when stepping out though..

(https://i.imgur.com/yhSIoRI.jpg)
oops thought I set a timer

(https://i.imgur.com/bfSmM29.jpg)
more of a pose I spose

I am a work in progress. Plz bear with me
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on August 22, 2019, 06:28:03 pm
Hi Maddie, nice avatar pic.

I really like the wind charm and I would love to have a garden.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 22, 2019, 08:32:10 pm
Hi Maddie, nice avatar pic.

I really like the wind charm and I would love to have a garden.
Thank you Rachel :)
The windchime rings softly when you visit this garden. 
It is a nice place to breathe and be.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on August 23, 2019, 07:08:26 am
Was trying to come up with a rhyme for Maddie to riff on Mary, Mary quite contrary  for a garden poem for you.  I'll throw that idea out to the masses for completion.

Nice pictures all around. Looking good  on the avatar and your garden selfies.  The still life with onions and apples does have a magazine spread look.



Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 24, 2019, 03:34:30 pm
Was trying to come up with a rhyme for Maddie to riff on Mary, Mary quite contrary  for a garden poem for you.  I'll throw that idea out to the masses for completion.

Nice pictures all around. Looking good  on the avatar and your garden selfies.  The still life with onions and apples does have a magazine spread look.

Maddie Maddie who's your daddy....

Thank you for the compliments Tonya  :)
I feel like an artist photographer doing Maddiezine spreads....

sorry!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: HappyMoni on August 24, 2019, 04:21:04 pm
Hi Maddie, been back to work and not on here much. Hope you are doing well.

Your favorite manure spreader,
Monica
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on August 24, 2019, 07:15:48 pm


Maddie Maddie who's your daddy....

sorry!

Even if I had thought if that one I wouldn't have gone there.


Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on August 25, 2019, 08:45:36 pm
I was thinking, does the sun hit that wind chime? If it does the sun light up the red orbs? Does it send the light into the room? Wow, a Christal wind charm like yours would be so cool having the sub dance the light throughout your room. You could pic the frequency of light that lifts you up.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 01, 2019, 11:41:39 pm
I was thinking, does the sun hit that wind chime? If it does the sun light up the red orbs? Does it send the light into the room? Wow, a Christal wind charm like yours would be so cool having the sub dance the light throughout your room. You could pic the frequency of light that lifts you up.

Sometimes there's a reflection on the floor on sunny days.  The red orbs don't dramatically glow in the sun, but I have moved it around to try and make that happen.  Totally interested in being lifted up by glowing orbs :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 02, 2019, 12:47:50 am
I am so upset.  And excited, for there are steps forward in my transition imminent.  Also going to meet someone from the forum on Tuesday to ride bikes. 

Away from my plants and cat.  Staying over by my parents, and I'm afraid of the thoughts I'm having about them lately.  I'm scared that I really am mentally ill like they all said and that my transgenderness is really just a layer of denial of something way worse.

Just tried twice to share some really important things here and my phone keeps freezing up and losing everything.  The matrix is preventing me from asking for help.  It will let me post this post only if I omit the things I was trying to share.

I quit.  For now.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 02, 2019, 07:15:36 am



Just tried twice to share some really important things here and my phone keeps freezing up and losing everything.  The matrix is preventing me from asking for help.  It will let me post this post only if I omit the things I was trying to share.

I quit.  For now.

If you need help, just say "help" and we're here. 


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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 02, 2019, 07:23:23 am
Maddie,


I wish you to have a wonderful day!   :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on September 02, 2019, 07:33:28 am
I am so upset.  And excited, for there are steps forward in my transition imminent.  Also going to meet someone from the forum on Tuesday to ride bikes. 

Away from my plants and cat.  Staying over by my parents, and I'm afraid of the thoughts I'm having about them lately.  I'm scared that I really am mentally ill like they all said and that my transgenderness is really just a layer of denial of something way worse.

Just tried twice to share some really important things here and my phone keeps freezing up and losing everything.  The matrix is preventing me from asking for help.  It will let me post this post only if I omit the things I was trying to share.

I quit.  For now.

@Maddie Good Morning Ms Maddie - First that's great you've found a biking pal ! I look forward to any pictures of places, things, or people, from your rides  :)

As for your parents some folks might buy into the trans is an "escapism" mantra, I hope they are not of that mind. I would offer that simply being honest with yourself and your parents, is not mental illness but a sign a strength  :) Sounds like you are negotiating with them, may you shine some light into their fuller understanding of you and what you are going through.

The matrix only works when it's in "it's" best interest  :o

Cynthia -

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on September 02, 2019, 07:43:18 am
Hello Maddie,

Being trans is not a mental illness. It is an actual physical condition that occurred during your gestation. Because your brain did not receive testosterone from your mother during certain periods of gestation your brain remained female.

People can deny it, try to pray it away or brutalize a child or adult for that matter but in the end you are who you are. Just like they are who they are.

Having your mom transition to male or dad to transition to female is like asking you to remain male.

Flowers bloom in sunshine. In this case truth and support are our sunshine.

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 02, 2019, 09:06:15 am
Help.
Help
Help

It just happened again, I typed everything out,  everything about me
Then it froze up and disappeared just before I posted it.

Thank you for responding and support. Love :)
 I am a transgender woman, and that is not the mental illness I'm worried about. It took so long clearing through clouds and illness just to get to the point of being able to work in the gender issues.  Very grateful today.   I am not negotiating with my parents, I am afraid from visions the past few weeks that I am going to hurt or kill someone without meaning to,  that's not why I am here. I had not felt any of these feelings since I committed to transitioning in 2015. I am trying to visit my parents and possibly close things, before my name change and move further out of their life. 
Go ahead and report me.  I know where that goes, and I do not belong there.  I am favored and loved by god.  I am not dangerous, but there is one that really is. 

Troubled people find me to be very good peaceful fun company. 
Comfortable people keep their distance.  I figure there's alot of both here on the forum.  Probably more troubled ones though, so fingers still crossed!

My internet is very limited nowadays, but I have Wi-Fi where I'm staying today.
Going to ride my bike and maybe talk with my mom.

Tomorrow I am going to Chicago to meet Denise from the forum, and possibly some other people. 
Wednesday I see my counselor, and my hormone doctor in Milwaukee , and get my blood levels drawn for the first time in 3 years. 
Next week is my name change court hearing. 
On Sept 25th I am going out of state and having an expensive and possibly unnecessary (not unnecessary to me) cosmetic procedure that has me in debt, but I hope will change me.
I also would like to meet and visit a Susan's member proximate to my home location near Green Bay, and I guess I should reach out and ask Tonya if we can do that.

Miss my plants and cat
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 02, 2019, 09:28:28 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Thank you for posting on your thread and sharing your frustrations....

I have also been there/done that when after writing out a well thought out longish posting, very frustrating and maddening for sure.   If I am writing a long post I have learned to frequently "copy" most of what I have written well before I try to post it, then if it does disappear I can start all over again and "paste" what I have saved.   I use the copy and paste functions frequently.

My heart goes out to you regarding the difficulties that you are experiencing with your parents and with other personal issues that you are dealing with.

I understand about limited internet access... living where I do there are times that my internet is very slow or non-existent....   also during my recent trip to Montana with my ToothFairy to meet her family, there was very, very limited internet that I endured for almost 2 weeks. 

Wow, wishing you well with your meeting with our Forums member  @Denise  tomorrow... and reaching out and meeting other forums members such as  @TonyaW  ...
.... and wishing you well with your name change and planned cosmetic surgery.

The support that you can find here from like-minded forums members is very helpful, always feel free to take advantage of it.


HUGS and best wishes to you....
Danielle



Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 02, 2019, 09:33:02 am
Help.
Help
Help

It just happened again, I typed everything out,  everything about me
Then it froze up and disappeared just before I posted it.

Thank you for responding.  I am a transgender woman, and that is not the mental illness in worried about. It took so long clearing through clouds and illness just to get to the point of being able to work in the gender issues.  Very grateful today.   I am not negotiating with my parents, I am afraid from visions the past few weeks that I am going to hurt or kill someone without meaning to,  that's not why I am here. I had not felt any of these feelings since I committed to transitioning in 2015. I am trying to visit my parents and possibly close things, before my name change and move out of their life. 
Go ahead and report me.  I know where that goes, and I do not belong there.  I am favored and loved by god.  I am not dangerous, but there is one that really is. 

Troubled people find me to be very good peaceful fun company. 
Comfortable people keep their distance.  I figure there's alot of both here on the forum.

My internet is very limited nowadays, but I have Wi-Fi where I'm staying today.
Going to ride my bike and maybe talk with my mom.

Tomorrow I am going to Chicago to meet Denise from the forum, and possibly some other people. 
Wednesday I see my counselor, and my hormone doctor in Milwaukee , and get my blood levels drawn for the first time in 3 years. 
Next week is my name change court hearing. 
On Sept 25th I am going out of state and having an expensive and possibly unnecessary (not unnecessary to me) cosmetic procedure that has me in debt, but I hope will change me.
I also would like to meet and visit a Susan's member proximate to my home location near Green Bay, and I guess I should reach out and ask Tonya if we can do that.

Miss my plants and cat
I will consider myself reached. Send me a message and we can work if out.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 02, 2019, 03:10:39 pm
@Alaskan Danielle. Thank you for your continued support.

I will consider myself reached. Send me a message and we can work if out.
:)
Done. Thanks Tonya.


This morning I talked with my mom and told her again about the name change. And about me being a woman.  It went ok.  Civil anyway.
She changed her own first name when she was young.  I asked her why, and she got upset.  She thinks that she had every reason to do it, and that I don't...?
I'm old now, and moved out from their house for the last time at 17.  So its not like I need her permission or blessings to do anything.  I'm trying to show some respect, with the knowledge that people don't last forever.
She denies I ever told her I was a girl.  I clearly remember her shaming and punishing me for this.  I even told her several times in recent years that I attend transgender counseling.  But apparently, no, I never told her...
  She said I was cold and distant as an infant and that I never liked myself from the age of 3.   I don't think I can remember that far back, but I remember at every school I went to (we moved a lot) I was taken out of class and asked why I felt bad about myself (because she told them that!). 
I was institutionalized for close to a year when I was 12.  At that age, I had no legal rights to refuse medication, so they would shoot me up with thorazine and haldol, sometimes literally pinning me to the floor or restraining to a bed to do so.  I was told at the time that the only they would stop is if my parents would sign off on it.  I remember begging them to have them stop.   Nowadays her mantra is that she fought the doctors to stop medicating me, and that the doctors and staff all lied to me.  That's not what happened.  Parents have legal rights over kids, specifically with ones under 14yrs concerning psych meds.

Why are all my memories lies??

I prayed in those dark days that I would not have to go back and grow up with my family.   My prayers were not answered, and I was weak, medicated, scared straight, and defeated.  What an ungrateful little jerk I was.  So I went back and stayed by them until a teen.
I remember her coming to me while I was sleeping in the middle of the night, throwing the lights on, and tearing the blankets off me because sometimes I would wear girl clothes to sleep.  My mom is not a drunk, and does not have dementia.  How can she possibly not remember these things?

Since the 1970s, I shared the fact that I strongly felt like I should be a girl/woman (and that it was a real problem) with teachers, friends, parents, counselors, girlfriends, doctors, social workers, and 12 step sponsors.........
Almost no one heard me, and now I'm told it didn't happen.

I was referred to a qualified gender counselor in 1999 who started the first trans program in my state.  All I remember is she pulled out and handed me a big dialator and a dildo in our first session.  I was afraid of this.
I was on a lot of psych meds at the time, and I withdrew into a cloud, probably just as society was changing and I could be gotten somewhere with transition.  Wasn't ready.  Too many other problems on top of and preventing work on the gender issues.

I avoided TV, movies and internet because it hurt too much.  Was too afraid to seek out alternative communities or lifestyles.  Wasn't really exposed to much of it in my self imposed exile life.  I did not progress past junior high classes or attend college or anything.  Military turned me down due to all the psych meds, and I lucked out and got disability young.  Other than playing very straight blue collar bar gigs with bands, I pretty much lived with my head in the sand, and sneaking out to thrift stores to buy skirts and dresses which went from size 4 to size 12 over the years.  Had a couple relationships where I dressed regularly.  Even went out dressed a little during one relationship.  Never involved with a man.  Which is probably what I should have been doing all along.

Glad to be where I'm at now.  Because I used to feel suicidal about this stuff
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on September 02, 2019, 03:28:03 pm
Sounds like your mum has selective memory issues, way I look at this is you have come through "the fire" and now you are hitting "the good times" . Go for it dear .
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 02, 2019, 10:11:43 pm
Going for it.

To be fair I'm not sure how much better any of us (speaking about my family) could have done at the times in the past and now.  Could be worse.

As for today, nobody screamed and no blood was spilled. No drama.  99% of my tears were private

I'm not sure who the horrible feelings inside are really for. 
Haven't felt really mad, or really anything, in a while.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 03, 2019, 07:34:15 am
Wow, Maddie, that's  a horrible story.

Sounds as if your mom could be subconsciously gaslighting you to avoid having to admit her role in all that.

You survived and ate moving forward with your life so good on you.

Hopefully you have decent weather for your bike ride, its raining up here.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on September 03, 2019, 07:49:26 am
Glad to be where I'm at now.  Because I used to feel suicidal about this stuff

This says it all  :) Moving forward. At least you still have your Mom and you can talk to her, even if what you hear is not what you expect.

Best with name change and cosmetic surgery Maddie, you are making good progress and have much to look forward to.

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 04, 2019, 01:09:41 am
The garden boxes that are under an overhang receive water from rainstorms that collect and drip down bamboo sticks stuck in the soil.
Tomorrow night I will be home and resume regular watering.

Thank you Tonya and Cynthia (Rachel, Chrissy, Davina, and Danielle too) for support on these issues.

This morning my mom asked me if I was on hormones, and I told her yes.  She scowled, but otherwise she was fine 2 seconds later.  She is hard, and I don't have to worry about affecting her.  The women in her family regularly live to around 100 years, and although none of us are guaranteed a day, she is one of the toughest of that bunch.  More concerned about my dad, for he can be highly excitable and unable to process many things others take for granted.  He is a kind and gentle man, but I don't think he will handle what is happening with me well.

It was important to see them this week and touch base.  I am grateful to still have the opportunity.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 04, 2019, 02:02:41 am
It was a big day, so 2 posts.

Today I had the opportunity to meet a new friend from Susan's place. 
Denise is a very cool person.  And I don't even know how much of an understatement that is.
We rode our bicycles around Chicago, and attended a transwomen support group that she volunteered to run tonight.  It is a well-attended meeting in a very accepting area.   Varying stages of transition represented.
Don't know if I made much of an impression, and I guess it doesn't matter.  Denise and some of the others made an impression on me.  Inspiration.

I became more aware at the support meeting just how much of a chip on my shoulder I'm carrying.
And that I am the biggest reason why I don't fit in tribes, groups, bands, families, wherever.
Its like I don't want to be acceptable to others.  Deep down, I don't want people to like me.

Maybe I live in an isolated area because I think people suck generally and don't want to get close to anybody.  That is not a good attitude, Ms Maddie!

I could learn alot living interactively, especially in a more diverse tolerant urban environment like tonight.
For alot of my life, I lived in bad city neighborhoods which were technically diverse, but I never spent much time in hipper, progressive, or college-y parts of town.  Which might be a better fit for me. 
But like I said, its as if I don't want to fit in.

The outside world is a reflection of the inside self, and if I want to transform and bloom differently I must consider being ready to change my environment.

But I would miss my quiet garden porch if didn't priority a way to bring it with me.

Thank you for reading this
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on September 04, 2019, 06:18:34 am
It was important to see them this week and touch base.  I am grateful to still have the opportunity.

That's great to read this @Maddie above, sounds like you've realized the value of the visit, safe travels back home to the garden, and a new season of life awaits...

Cynthia -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 04, 2019, 08:05:28 am



The outside world is a reflection of the inside self, and if I want to transform and bloom differently I must consider being ready to change my environment.

But I would miss my quiet garden porch if didn't priority a way to bring it with me.

Thank you for reading this

Life finds a way. 

You'll find a way balance your love and need of your garden porch with an environment that will let you bloom.

Glad to hear you had a nice trip.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 06, 2019, 01:07:55 pm
Back at my garden :)
Windy today.  Leaves are still mostly green here. 
Miss Pepper is starting to show some color as she awaits her name change court hearing next week.

bark...bark...bark...

The neighbor down the hall has a male Chihuahua she wants to breed.
The neighbor below the garden had a female Chihuahua that was knocked up by the other one, and will soon be moving back in.
A new neighbor has moved in downstairs across the hall, where my best friend used to live. 
She has two more female Chihuahuas.

Anyone remember the old star trek show when they had trouble with tribbles?  ;D
................................

Some science news:  I received some early lab results today...
Estradiol 17 beta:  132
Testosterone total: 42
I have only been taking HRT about 6 weeks, and am on a dose of E that is half that of the lowest starting dose i have read about online.  Im not taking a blocker.
The results included a positive comment from the doctor regarding my levels and body's response to the HRT.  She has increased my E, and added progesterone to the scrip.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Faith on September 06, 2019, 01:17:08 pm
...
Anyone remember the old star trek show when they had trouble with tribbles?  ;D
...

Just stop feeding them .. and there is no 'after midnight' clause
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on September 06, 2019, 01:27:53 pm
But they are just sooo cute (yap yap)  ;)

Late season growth spurts have been known to happen  :)

Good luck next week Maddie in court, should be a happy moment.

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 06, 2019, 02:28:10 pm


Back at my garden :)
Windy today.  Leaves are still mostly green here. 
Miss Pepper is starting to show some color as she awaits her name change court hearing next week.

bark...bark...bark...

The neighbor down the hall has a male Chihuahua she wants to breed.
The neighbor below the garden had a female Chihuahua that was knocked up by the other one, and will soon be moving back in.
A new neighbor has moved in downstairs across the hall, where my best friend used to live. 
She has two more female Chihuahuas.

Anyone remember the old star trek show when they had trouble with tribbles?  ;D
................................

Some science news:  I received some early lab results today...
Estradiol 17 beta:  132
Testosterone total: 42
I have only been taking HRT about 6 weeks, and am on a dose of E that is half that of the lowest starting dose i have read about online.  Im not taking a blocker.
The results included a positive comment from the doctor regarding my levels and body's response to the HRT.  She has increased my E, and added progesterone to the scrip.

Not a fan of chihuahuas. The trouble with tribbles is that they are born pregnant if I remember correctly. 

Name change should be a snap.  If you were born in WI you can have them change  your birth certificate right way.  Copies are pretty cheap like $10.  Can't change gender on it without GCS though. 


You doing injectable estrogen?  T level is pretty good for no blocker

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 06, 2019, 02:40:11 pm
Maybe someone can construct an equation to predict the exponential population growth of unchecked Chihuahuas.  They are not my favorite breed, but I cannot dislike the little shivering doggies.

Yes, I have been IM injecting Estradiol.  And my blood draw was day 3 after dose, so I guess the E level was at its highest when they tested and got that number.

I was born in California.  So when I get to that upcoming phase, I think I can pretty much get my birth certificate changed to any gender or species I want, as long as I have a doctors letter (I do), and $$ for the fees (way more than $10)
If this is not true, I will cry here about it later.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 06, 2019, 02:55:21 pm
Just stop feeding them .. and there is no 'after midnight' clause
hmmm...what is an after midnight clause?

But they are just sooo cute (yap yap)  ;)

Late season growth spurts have been known to happen  :)

Good luck next week Maddie in court, should be a happy moment.

C -
Thank you Cynthia.  I am going for happy and spurty.
yap yap yap
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Faith on September 06, 2019, 03:24:56 pm
hmmm...what is an after midnight clause?

Gremlins
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 06, 2019, 03:36:47 pm
Gremlins
Got it.
Don't feed the gremlins after midnight, or they will immediately transition into horny Chihuahuas  ;)

One of the new dogs here could use a diet.  Don't think I've seen a Chihuahua this fat before.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 06, 2019, 08:53:16 pm
Maybe someone can construct an equation to predict the exponential population growth of unchecked Chihuahuas.  They are not my favorite breed, but I cannot dislike the little shivering doggies.

Yes, I have been IM injecting Estradiol.  And my blood draw was day 3 after dose, so I guess the E level was at its highest when they tested and got that number.

I was born in California.  So when I get to that upcoming phase, I think I can pretty much get my birth certificate changed to any gender or species I want, as long as I have a doctors letter (I do), and $$ for the fees (way more than $10)
If this is not true, I will cry here about it later.

So you have the letter. Cool.  DMV officially  says you need to wait until the day after you update with Social Security, but they did mine about 30 minutes after I left the Social Security office.

Updating my birth certificate didn't actually cost anything, it was the certified copies that cost.  They were cheap so I got at least 2. Dont know why I thought I'd need more than one.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 07, 2019, 06:33:18 am
Maybe you bought the extras because they were on sale :)
..............................

The garden grows, even with setbacks.
Mr Tom, despite breaking his main stalk earlier this summer, has produced over 50 cherry tomatoes to date.

Don't know why, but I am still amazed that insurance covers anything to do with transition.
The fact that HRT is covered with a small deductible was a factor in my decision to start this summer.

Pharmacy told me last night that I'm not covered now, specifically for the HRT.   Also said they have tried to reach my doctor without success.  Not surprising since she is only in the gender clinic one day per month, and I just saw her Wednesday... And not sure what the doc is going to do about it anyway, since she is not the insurance company.  The Dr did tell me that my insurance would cover the prescriptions she gave though.

My money has all gone other places, or I would pay the pharmers. They want a couple hundred dollars.

Refusing to let this throw me.  I have read accounts here of people going through hard times being on and off the meds and the health system, and some of them pulled thru the setbacks.

I willfully intend to survive.
Having held off from starting HRT so long, this is just too easy of an excuse to stop.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Quinn on September 07, 2019, 07:55:01 am
Maddie,

Just trying to catch up on your thread here a bit since ive been gone.

The certified copy of birth certificate in California is $25 and $23 for additional copies

Injectable is always the best but sometimes some of us have to use other forms for whatever reason. I do not know what your health is like but the pill form is really cheap if you have to pay for it yourself so you do not have to stop. Ive had no health issues using pill form and many other are on it also.Doses will be different but doable. I cannot do the injectables so ive been on pill form from the start .

I wish you all the best with your family and struggles you know some of mine, I know you can move thru them and get to other side where you want to be. If I can do it anyone can
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 07, 2019, 08:12:27 am
Thank you for the info and support Quinn.
$25/$23 is the definitely the cost as listed on the California courts website.  Since you clearly know this to be accurate, I accept the info with relief.  There was a transgender alliance link I read not long ago that mentioned a fee in the $600 range somewhere in the process for CA  I filed that price in my mind, but am thankfully not finding that info now, checking again after reading your post.

My prescriptions yesterday should have been for injectable estradiol, and pill progesterone, and I believe these are what they priced me for.  I have sent a message to my doctor with hopes there was a mistake somewhere, and it will get worked out.  If not, I will look around for other sources, if there are cheaper pills out there like you mention.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 07, 2019, 08:29:39 am
Pills are dirt cheap if you have to go that route, Maddie and they dont even taste bad taken sublingually. Kind of sweet actually.

Getting your gender marker changed with your name change means you can change that with your insurance also, which could be the issue for them now. Don't know why now if it was covered before but stupider things have happened with insurance companies.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Quinn on September 07, 2019, 09:59:18 am
The name and gender change in California was $480.00 with the court, that was at least in my county don't know if the rates are the same thruout the state
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on September 07, 2019, 10:30:14 am
Maybe you bought the extras because they were on sale :)
..............................

The garden grows, even with setbacks.
Mr Tom, despite breaking his main stalk earlier this summer, has produced over 50 cherry tomatoes to date.

Don't know why, but I am still amazed that insurance covers anything to do with transition.
The fact that HRT is covered with a small deductible was a factor in my decision to start this summer.

Pharmacy told me last night that I'm not covered now, specifically for the HRT.   Also said they have tried to reach my doctor without success.  Not surprising since she is only in the gender clinic one day per month, and I just saw her Wednesday... And not sure what the doc is going to do about it anyway, since she is not the insurance company.  The Dr did tell me that my insurance would cover the prescriptions she gave though.

My money has all gone other places, or I would pay the pharmers. They want a couple hundred dollars.

Refusing to let this throw me.  I have read accounts here of people going through hard times being on and off the meds and the health system, and some of them pulled thru the setbacks.

I willfully intend to survive.
Having held off from starting HRT so long, this is just too easy of an excuse to stop.

Definitely contact your doctor's office.  It's possible that pills are covered but injectables aren't, or something like that, in which case maybe you could switch to pills. You should be able to get what you need at an affordable cost.   
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 08, 2019, 06:42:43 pm
Ooh, a little garden party....lets have tea

Definitely contact your doctor's office.  It's possible that pills are covered but injectables aren't, or something like that, in which case maybe you could switch to pills. You should be able to get what you need at an affordable cost.
Hi Randi, I am hoping to hear back from the Dr in the near future.  I hope that this is what's going on, and that the pills are available.
If the progesterone isn't covered, maybe its a good thing not to start that now anyhow..?

The name and gender change in California was $480.00 with the court, that was at least in my county don't know if the rates are the same thruout the state
$480 was the big number I remembered seeing before. Add it with some other fees, and I was thinking $600.   I was born in Los Angeles county.
Pills are dirt cheap if you have to go that route, Maddie and they dont even taste bad taken sublingually. Kind of sweet actually.


Tonya, I am just a little suspicious of medicine that tastes good.  But I should be able to suffer through that ;)
...................................................,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(Down below the garden porch):
yap

Not sure if that was a chihuahua, or a parrot imitating a chihuahua...
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 09, 2019, 06:35:32 am
Ooh, Garden Party



When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name
No one recognized me, I didn't look the same

But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself




Total cost of my name change in Wisconsin was $313.82.  Includes the unneeded copies of my birth certificate and the cost of newspaper publication. Court fees might be different for you,  I assume your in a different county from me.

Maybe it's not that the estradiol tastes good but that it is definitely not bitter, as lots of pills can be if they start to dissolve in your mouth before you swallow them. Of course there is also a metaphorical sweetness to them.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 09, 2019, 07:57:43 am

When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name
No one recognized me, I didn't look the same

But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself




Total cost of my name change in Wisconsin was $313.82.  Includes the unneeded copies of my birth certificate and the cost of newspaper publication. Court fees might be different for you,  I assume your in a different county from me.
[/quote

Ooh there's a songbird on the porch this morning !

Thx for info Tonya. I should be finding out for sure the balance of what I owe WI  this week.  I know what it said, but I will not be surprised to encounter hidden bonus fees.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on September 09, 2019, 07:01:12 pm
Hi Maddie,

You may want to check with your insurance and see what is covered in your insurance formulary. Then you can make an informed choice with the doctor.

 For my formulary pills and injectable estradiol are covered but not compounding. My cost is $145 per month for compounding. However, I have felt absolutely the best in my the 4 or so years on HRT. I want them to combine the T and E into one cream for my in future purchases.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 09, 2019, 08:10:06 pm
Resilient roots in the ground.

If I have to pay more than I expected to keep going, I will put it together.   
I have put all my $ and more towards something this month, so I was caught empty-handed at the pharmacy.
My doctor says the pharmacy has not tried to reach her, and the pharmacy said they've tried starting 5 days ago..
I may have to just do the rest of my estradiol for now, and wait on the progesterone.  Something inside is kind of telling me this is good.

Now I am transitioning.
I will be affected by, but not totally stopped by insurance, what is covered, what isnt, and what they say they'll cover and then change their mind.
Now is a good time.

Rachel, what do you mean by compounding?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Dena on September 09, 2019, 08:45:06 pm
Rachel, what do you mean by compounding?
Sometimes what a doctor prescribes isn't available off the shelf so you go to a compounding lab that will do a custom mix for you. Example might be you're allergic to an oil used for estradiol injections. A compounding lab could mix the estradiol with another oil that you can use. For a there were production problems with both injectable estradiol and testosterone but they could be obtained from a compounding lab.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 09, 2019, 09:11:21 pm
Thank you Dena.


I may have just watered the downstairs neighbor....
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 12, 2019, 07:03:07 am
Big day today. Wishing you short lines and competent people behind the counters.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on September 12, 2019, 08:12:01 am
Good luck Maddie.  Just keep going forward.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 13, 2019, 08:03:43 am
Changes in the tiny garden

Miss Pepper court petition for name change has been approved.  She is now Guy LeMan.
In a surprise move that shocked the garden, Mr Tom also petitioned the court, and is now Gitana Madelyn.
Since both vegetable's seeds came from California, we will await out-of-state documentation for changes to their gender markers.  Both vegetables seem happy about all this.  The neighboring green beans are indifferent, or just keeping to themselves and their own green beany situation...

Rain continues to fall at unexpected times and passes quickly.
Beautiful sentimental things did not bring tears until recently. 

Winds of fall approach, scattering and widening my life.

In the past 2 weeks, I have had the opportunity to meet 2 members of Susan's Place face to face.
Yesterday I met Tonya and her wife, and we spent a nice time in conversation. 
It was a real pleasure to meet them both. 
We also went to Target, where I purchased cat food, and a real, pen & paper journal (@Alaskan Danielle)

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on September 13, 2019, 08:35:12 am
Changes in the tiny garden

Miss Pepper court petition for name change has been approved.  She is now Guy LeMan.
In a surprise move that shocked the garden, Mr Tom also petitioned the court, and is now Gitana Madelyn.
Since both vegetable's seeds came from California, we will await out-of-state documentation for changes to their gender markers.  Both vegetables seem happy about all this.  The neighboring green beans are indifferent, or just keeping to themselves and their own green beany situation...

Rain continues to fall at unexpected times and passes quickly.
Beautiful sentimental things did not bring tears until recently. 

Winds of fall approach, scattering and widening my life.

In the past 2 weeks, I have had the opportunity to meet 2 members of Susan's Place face to face.
Yesterday I met Tonya and her wife, and we spent a nice time in conversation. 
It was a real pleasure to meet them both. 
We also went to Target, where I purchased cat food, and a real, pen & paper journal (@Alaskan Danielle)

Good Morning Maddie - I have been waiting for your update, and may I offer my congratulations on getting the petition of the court approved, this is indeed a big moment in your transition. Good luck with the next phase in getting gender markers corrected. Being from CA myself, I found it an easy process to update my birth cert from there. Glad to read you have a nice visit with Tonya and her wife, that's awesome !

Have a wonderful day !

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 13, 2019, 11:09:50 am
Changes in the tiny garden

Miss Pepper court petition for name change has been approved.  She is now Guy LeMan.
In a surprise move that shocked the garden, Mr Tom also petitioned the court, and is now Gitana Madelyn.
Since both vegetable's seeds came from California, we will await out-of-state documentation for changes to their gender markers.  Both vegetables seem happy about all this.  The neighboring green beans are indifferent, or just keeping to themselves and their own green beany situation...

Rain continues to fall at unexpected times and passes quickly.
Beautiful sentimental things did not bring tears until recently. 

Winds of fall approach, scattering and widening my life.

In the past 2 weeks, I have had the opportunity to meet 2 members of Susan's Place face to face.
Yesterday I met Tonya and her wife, and we spent a nice time in conversation. 
It was a real pleasure to meet them both. 
We also went to Target, where I purchased cat food, and a real, pen & paper journal (@Alaskan Danielle)
Was a very nice visit. Had hoped to bum around downtown but the weather had other ideas. We made do at the mall.
We'll have to plan something next time.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 14, 2019, 09:30:08 am
Good morning.

Randi thank you for the encouragement. Sometimes just a few words can help keep things moving forward, which is the only direction leading to the new.

Tonya, yes we should do that again  :) Perhaps on a sunnier day, before it gets too cold..It is a nice blessing to have friends to meet and do things with.

Cynthia Ann, first off, nice photo catch of the mountains reflection on your current avatar!
It feels sooo good that someone who has made it to the "other side:, and lives there, says that they have been awaiting my transition update and milestones?
Wow
You and a few other fully transitioned folks have taken time to watch and encourage me here.  And I just know there must be times when you don't want to remember the stuff I'm stuck in now,.  I am trying to be worth the time and headache.

This change in legal name is a profound step.
It seems to be triggering negative emotions in people who say they know me. My peace is being shaken (because I am hurting them..?)
But to truly know someone, you really should listen to them, and look at them, and share life with them.
Some pets stray, and some plants will not thrive confined to a box.
I left the box in 1984. Almost made it.  Was forced back, but left for good in 1989 age 17.. Made it the best way I could manage (which is to say barely)  Didn't even reconnect with her until the past 7 years. I love them, and I cannot change them.
The name change is the strongest thing I could do right now to keep moving forward.
I am going to make it.  Better all the time.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on September 14, 2019, 02:48:36 pm
Hi Maddie, congratulations on taking the step to change your name.

I waited and waited then when I was in a gym locker room my ex called. She asked why I had all the woman's clothing delivered. She asked if I was gong to go full time. For some reason a calm came over me and I said yes. She said she was going to contact a Lawyer in the morning.

That next morning I called Papillion and scheduled  GCS and a BA, I had been seen for an orchi there. That night I printed out the name change forms. It took what seamed forever for the court date.

I was seen last for name change. The judge asked me if it was ok to ask a lot of personal questions, he reassured me I had the name change. He was genuinely curious as to what it was like to be trans.

So, good luck in the name change and I hope it is a stepping stone.

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Quinn on September 14, 2019, 05:23:36 pm
I just went thru the name and gender change with the court, drivers license, social security some of my credit cards. It kinda of a process you need 1 complete to start on the next. As soon as I got my official court documents which was 6 weeks. I then immediately sent off for my new birth cert which can take up to 6 weeks im still waiting for it its been about 4 , I went and did my drivers license and then about an later went and changed my social security. I reieved my paper copy of my drivers license on the spot and have been waiting the picture id that never came. I didnt realize that they check your social security number, if it doesnt match the name it puts in pending status.

I was lucky that i reieved my new social security card a few days before i called the dmv and found tht out. I went to the dmv showed them the ss card with the correct name and now teh hold on my license has been taking off.

I need have been waiting to get my new DL to change my bank accounts to new name but i just issued my first paycheck in my new name so i guess i will find out next week what it takes to get that done

I wrote a list of accounts and agencies i have to notify and get changed it was about 80 . Once i get all the official documents i can start on the list dwindling it down a little at a time just like transition , just do 1 thing at a time and berfore you know it you look back and are amazed at all you accomplished , this is directied at everyone going thru this journey and most life goals 



I just posted this for you Maddie so you see its a pain for everyone but as long as we move fore
ward everything is going to work out.


You are doing great just keep smiling and being you that is what all this is about









Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 20, 2019, 07:31:30 am
Stormy weather.

I'm hanging on.
Still here.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on September 20, 2019, 07:34:27 am
Stormy weather.

I'm hanging on.
Still here.

Good morning, I'm still here  :)

59f here and expecting showers.

Hope you have a nice day Maddie  :)

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 23, 2019, 07:16:25 am
Thanks Cyndi (that's my electro's name too :)
She likes my work ethic and I get to trade for chair time

I am not depressed.
It's the equinox

Too many thoughts.

Changing to a different pharmacy, because the one in the closest town is actually blocking/Not acknowledging some of my Drs prescriptions.  Maybe it's religious motivation.

No spicy foods for a few weeks.
Guy LeMan's red pepper, earmarked for rice&beans, has been frozen for now.
Today I shall eat cherry tomatoes, green beans, and soak the plants and water the cat.  He is my fur baby.
Dont know if I should bank sperm, or if it is too late.

Getting on a plane tomorrow to travel to Portland OR for surgery that is not necessary for my body to function, which is beyond my means, and that other people I've told seem to think I don't need.

I think I thought I need it.  But I am not sure if I have reality grasped.  It has me though.
But I am taking action on my list. My gut leads me in circles around unseen danger.  I am fortunate that way.

Besides, all the cool kids are doing it


Cannot visualize endgame. Anxiety that I may not have a future.
I am requesting god and goddess for a future.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on September 23, 2019, 07:41:12 am

Changing to a different pharmacy, because the one in the closest town is actually blocking/Not acknowledging some of my Drs prescriptions.  Maybe it's religious motivation.

Getting on a plane tomorrow to travel to Portland OR for surgery that is not necessary for my body to function, which is beyond my means, and that other people I've told seem to think I don't need.


Good Morning Maddie - Perhaps you and your Dr can do mail order pharmacy ? It's easy and convenient. I was skeptical at first, but now I am a believer. 

Wishing you safe travels for your surgery in Portland. Sounds like you are moving ahead, and taking action.

The end game can be elusive, all that is really needed is a framework, some time, some resources, and of course your motivation. I would not worry too much if there is a fog masking the lighthouse at the rocky shoals, you'll navigate on intuition.

Take care and god speed....

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 24, 2019, 05:45:35 am
Have a safe trip. Hope all goes well with your procedure.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on September 24, 2019, 11:16:10 am
Best wishes, be like me and believe things happen the way they do for a reason even if we cant see it at the time. Good luck with the forth coming procedure XXXXXX 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 24, 2019, 04:10:34 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

I am sending well wishes to you as you prepare for your trip to Portland.
I will be looking forward to your updates when you feel so led to post them.

Meanwhile, your garden is in safe hands with all of us followers.


HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 25, 2019, 06:51:32 am
Thank you ladies.
I am grateful for your support.  Yes I really do need that in my life :)

Please forgive the cactus.
They were born prickly and it is difficult to change ones nature

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on September 25, 2019, 01:19:49 pm
But cacti always have lovely flowers.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 26, 2019, 09:50:01 pm
Good luck Maddie, I wish you all the best. See you on the other side:)

(btw, I am a native Portlander, you never know when an umbrella is needed, even in the summer time).
Hi Katie! So far, I've haven't needed an umbrella, but with all the clouds it looks like that could change anytime...

At this point, I am taking steps and building a foundation in the hopes that one day I can see and reach "the other side". 
Yesterday I received hair transplant graft procedure by Dr Gabel and his team in Tigard(Pprtland) OR.
By all accounts, it went very very well.  I am fortunate to be a good candidate for this type of operation, and I am told to expect excellent results based on how it went.   Dr Gabel and the staff there have treated me above and beyond my hopes and expectations.  I had worries. and they have taken those away.  Time will tell, but for now it looks real good. This is a good step.

But cacti always have lovely flowers.
😊
Speaking of lovely flowers...
A member of Susan's forum came to Dr Gabels clinic today and said hi.
Her name is Victoria (Harley Quinn). She is stunning, gracious, and has classic style.
It was through her that I heard about this doctor.  I had been looking into another place closer to home, but am so glad of how the timing of things have worked this  way instead.
And it was a real pleasure to meet her today.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 27, 2019, 05:32:44 am
Glad to hear the procedure went well.
Have a safe trip home.



Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on September 27, 2019, 05:00:55 pm
Maddie,

I am so happy you had hair transplants. It will make a huge difference and a boost to confidence. I love my hair :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 27, 2019, 06:46:48 pm
 :)
thank you Tonya and Rachel
I'm so happy, and the new hairs won't even show for a long time.  Fortunately this is not a problem as long as my hair is always down.
Heck, I'm even stuck in an airport with cancelled flights, staples in my head,  and no idea when I might get back to my car in CHI (tomorrow, next day, next week..?) so I can do the long drive home to my meds...

...and yet, I'm still happy ;D
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Quinn on September 27, 2019, 06:58:20 pm
Maddie  that is wonderful I knew it was going to be fine , im glad the experience was so positive . I really hope you can get home asap
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on September 27, 2019, 07:01:14 pm

...and yet, I'm still happy ;D

That's great news Maddie, very happy for you  :)

Safe trip back home...........

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 27, 2019, 07:08:17 pm
Thx girls for the safe speedy wishes.

I am happy, but I miss my plants, cat, and E ;)

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 28, 2019, 07:43:01 pm
Back at the garden porch, kitty cat, and cherry tomatoes..

Highlights of the return trip:

First time passing through TSA at Portland airport, I managed to hold up the line.  The security guy at the scanner called his supervisor (both male).  They made me raise my shirt all the way and hold it up, right in front of 4 lines of people (they did not take me aside, and they both literally squeezed my little boobs for like 30 seconds, one standing on each side of me.  I had no padding or anything inside the bra, or in my luggage , just a bra that I don't fill.)  People were commenting and joking as they passed me.  (Thanks for noticing jerks and jerkettes!). Some were sympathetic to my plight, others pretty much seemed like they thought I was getting what I deserved.
And the Pacific northwest is like the most trans tolerant place I've been...! Oh well

I did not notice any other women told to raise their shirts and get theirs boobs squeezed in front of everyone.

Flight delayed, then cancelled.  Rescheduled for 16 hours later.  I hung around PDX.

Ended up going thru Portland TSA round two (did not wear the bra this time).  Again pulled aside, but the male security guy actually got a female security agent to search me, apparently because I was wearing a blouse and lipstick (yay, is this a "pass"?).  She was less squeeze, but she really took her time rubbing me up and down and up and down.  At least I was slightly pulled aside this time.

Changed my connecting flight 4 times, at some point was wandering around Dallas airport at 5am and met a soldier boy (active, out of uniform) trying to get home, whose flight woes were 10x worse than mine.  We kind of hit it off, so at one point I snuck off, washed up, changed into my last clean clothes, reapplied lipstick (brought no other makeup this trip)...and put the bra back on  ;) He was nice.  I just thought I was being respectful...  We ended up on the same flight to Chicago, where I was seated in a back two-seat row with the most attractive young woman on the filled to capacity 737.  She was very nice to me, and I was clean and felt I had a decent femme vibe going and it was a very nice flight.  Seemed like we both had plenty of room.  (On my previous two redeye flights I was in the middle seat between two larger men who were less than clean and liked to spread themselves out - a lot)

The shuttle driver taking us back to a far parking lot at Ohare airport actually jumped out and started a fight with some punk who tried to board without letting other passengers out first.  I thought shirts were coming off... There were two older semi pro fighters or trainers (judging by their gearbags and presence)with us on the shuttle. We were laughing, but I didn't let the driver see me laughing, because he was a bad old man no doubt :) 
Some people do not take WKRAP!!!

4 hour drive from Chicago to my dairy-farm town was smooth.

My avatar today is quick selfie in Dallas.  Swollen face, black eyes, head wrapped and stapled...I must be proud of myself lol.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on September 28, 2019, 08:05:08 pm
Back at the garden porch, kitty cat, and cherry tomatoes..



First time passing through TSA at Portland airport, I managed to hold up the line.  The security guy at the scanner called his supervisor (both male).  They made me raise my shirt all the way and hold it up, right in front of 4 lines of people (they did not take me aside, and they both literally squeezed my little boobs for like 30 seconds, one standing on each side of me.  I had no padding or anything inside the bra, or in my luggage , just a bra that I don't fill.) 
I did not notice any other women told to raise their shirts and get theirs boobs squeezed in front of everyone.



How friggin' demoralizing  :o That might be worthy of an official complaint being raised ? Up to you, there are probably surveilence recordings of this....

Glad you made it home (finally).

Hugs and healing Maddie

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 28, 2019, 08:11:51 pm
I have no time for that.
Yes I'm sure there is security video of everything.  They were on extra high stress alert because they had a shooting at PDX yesterday morning.  If I passed better, this might not have happened.  I will use it as motivation.

Maybe I'm part exhibitionist, because I wished I had bigger boobs for those boys to squeeze...(ok yuck)
Felt really bad about it at that moment though, especially with the two people passing by who felt they had to comment on it to me.
Grateful to have made it safe home, without knocking the new grafts on my head!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on September 28, 2019, 08:17:25 pm
Hi Maddie, I take 30 grams of wild caught salmon bone broth and 10 gams of bovine hide hydrolyzed collagen. It really helps with hair, skin and nails. I think it took 3 or 4 months for the little hairs to be seen after they fell out. So do not worry if the hairs fall out. I think the follicle goes into shock and the hair falls out. Then a new hair comes out of the stem cell.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 28, 2019, 08:21:01 pm
Hi Maddie, I take 30 grams of wild caught salmon bone broth and 10 gams of bovine hide hydrolyzed collagen. It really helps with hair, skin and nails. I think it took 3 or 4 months for the little hairs to be seen after they fell out. So do not worry if the hairs fall out. I think the follicle goes into shock and the hair falls out. Then a new hair comes out of the stem cell.

thank you sister I will do this
Soon
Doc says to wait 2 weeks before taking any supplements and I am committed to compliance in his case
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 28, 2019, 08:23:26 pm

Glad you made it home (finally).

Hugs and healing Maddie

Cyndi -
Your steady support means aLOT to me. Thanks hon
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on September 29, 2019, 10:19:00 am
Welcome home.  Hope your garden was well tended while you were away. 

Didn't sound like much fun with TSA, though.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 29, 2019, 10:43:17 am
Hi Tonya!

Thank you, it's good to be back.

Just in time for another batch of sweet red tomatoes, and one enormous green bean.

No it wasn't fun at the checkpoint.  But I made it through, with all my postop meds. 

I'm so accustomed to embarrassing myself in public that I have some immunity to it ;)




Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on September 29, 2019, 01:06:09 pm
Enjoy your toms , good your back to look after the veg . Now you have some more (im) plants to look after!!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on September 29, 2019, 09:44:28 pm
Enjoy your toms , good your back to look after the veg . Now you have some more (im) plants to look after!!
:) Yes I do.
They are like little baby sprouts.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 01, 2019, 05:04:22 pm
I am a fruit. Categorically speaking.
But I am commonly mispercieved as a vegetable.
The agriscientists and farmacologists note traits of both in my tomato lifestyle.
As the garden changes, I continue to fluctuate between fruity and veggie.

I just got mad at myself for leaving the toilet seat up.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on October 01, 2019, 05:07:31 pm

I just got mad at myself for leaving the toilet seat up.

giggle, snicker, giggle..... ;D ;D

too much veggie....

C

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 02, 2019, 08:26:48 pm
To be honest, I am not even sure which is fruit, which is vegetable, or what the metaphor represents

I am a tomato
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on October 02, 2019, 08:48:11 pm
To be honest, I am not even sure which is fruit, which is vegetable, or what the metaphor represents

I am a tomato

Well, catch up!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 05, 2019, 08:55:50 am
Had to resist the impulse to jump into a volley of condiments.

Catching up with "everyone else" is impossible for me. 
I struggle to get un-blocked from life, and this is without even figuring the trans issue into the equation.

Major strides are being taken
I will not kick myself for not having common sense, nor will I keep trying to get to someone else's starting line.

Many of the members of this forum were somehow able to merge in society, and they now struggle with how to break away and be their true selves, while often trying to hang on to what they got through consciously or unconsciously denying who they were.  This is not my case!!  (Except for the denial part, which I certainly have participated in. )

Need to visualize my own finish lines, and believe that I am way past my own starting line, and not trying to ketchup to anything.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on October 05, 2019, 09:05:11 am

Many of the members of this forum were somehow able to merge in society, and they now struggle with how to break away and be their true selves, while often trying to hang on to what they got through consciously or unconsciously denying who they were.  This is not my case!!  (Except for the denial part, which I certainly have participated in. )

Need to visualize my own finish lines, and believe that I am way past my own starting line, and not trying to ketchup to anything.

Hi Maddie,
  Just speaking for myself and addressing the concept presented above. The older you are, the harder it gets to totally disconnect from the past. For myself, my social landscape post transition contains many social connections from the previous life, including my wife and family. It's a very complicated mix, and totally unique to my circumstances. While we can visualize other's experiences and much is shared here, the individual circumstances of a social transition are essentially unique. I do not fear my past, I relish it, the ground work was completed years ago. I am the sum of my life experiences, and my actions are my only true possessions.

Hope your scalp is doing better, and the healing from your recent procedure progressing well.

Have a great day Maddie and

Hugs

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 05, 2019, 10:00:31 am
I am happy for you Cyndi!   You have passed through many doors and this concept of trying to break away from your life may not be applicable to you.
But I see that there are many here who do struggle with these obstacles to transitioning, as I'm sure you have had to.
Congratulations for having a family, career history and groundwork that you can be proud of!  You must have worked very hard and long for everything.  Nothing comes easy for anyone

Clearly I must be deficient, and never put forth the effort to accomplish any of these things that others have worked so darn hard for.
Or is there possibly another explanation?
Is everyone really that much stronger morally-upstanding, and hard working than me?
Can I dare suggest that this would be an incorrect assumption for anyone to believe?

I am having a problem relating to anyone and it makes me uncomfortable here and everywhere I go.

This is what I meant by common sense. No one is common to me.  People's experiences are different.  Just because someone has not accomplished or accumulated, does not mean they weren't trying to. Or does it??

The obvious answer is that I am lazy, crazy, unfocused, unfruitful , and magnetically unconnectable.
I dislike the obvious, and dare to dispute it.

Each persons life is a limiting matrix program (I never saw the matrix movies, but have some idea,  so not sure if thats really the same thing I'm talking about).
Each of us has parameters that channel and limit our boundaries and perceived laws of reality.
And I am alone because no one relates to mine.  Except for trans issues here, so here I stay and try to relate.

I humbly request that no one post a reply here suggesting that I speak to a counselor. To do so might suggest a lack of understanding and experience in that post-er, and in me.

I starting posting a long list of examples of this matrix in my life and decided to delete them for the sake of brevity and to not sound crazy.

Matrix
Matrix
Matrix
Matrix


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 05, 2019, 10:20:27 am
Fern sways gently in the autumn breeze.

Breathing.

This garden is intended towards changes...for the better
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on October 05, 2019, 10:39:47 am
Hi Maddie,

It saddens me to see you be so self-critical.  Everyone's life is so different and so influenced by chance and circumstance.  I too struggle to connect with people and I think a lot of that is having to hide so deeply and thoroughly from everyone over the course of my life.  You have to let people in behind the wall to make and keep friendships going.  I can partially do that, but let them see the queer within?  That's something this old boomer farm person from Applachia just hasn't been up to to date.  Hoping that can change.

But I, and you, are as worthy or respect and love as anyone. If you're not hurting other people, your life is yours to do as you see fit.  As a poetess once said:

And if each life is just a grain of sand,
I'm telling you man, this grain of sand is mine 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 05, 2019, 11:30:40 am
Hi Randi

Thank you.
I don't want to push people away, but it is in my nature.

Been spinning today, thinking about things,  backwards in my timeline.  They make me feel like I deserve every negative criticalism and much more.  Condemnation even.

But I've had at least two truly bad people look me into my eyes and soul, and they said they could tell that I haven't ever really hurt anyone. 

This is my grain of sand
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on October 05, 2019, 11:40:13 am
Nothing comes easy for anyone

Totally agree ! This song says it all from 69' I love the bass runs during the end breaks, hope you enjoy....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoSOuYNNXjU

C -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 05, 2019, 11:55:57 am
Thank you so much for that.  I love the track, and was unfamiliar with it.  Gonna play it again!!

I played in a couple groups with a standout rocking, fluting, vocalist who killed it on the old Tull material. 
He was totally blind from childhood and certainly nothing came easy for him.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on October 05, 2019, 11:59:58 am
Thank you so much for that.  I love the track, and was unfamiliar with it.  Gonna play it again!!

I played in a couple groups with a standout rocking, fluting, vocalist who killed it on the old Tull material. 
He was totally blind from childhood and certainly nothing came easy for him.

Glad you liked the track, the lyrics (look them up) and the vibe in this song is / has been inspirational for me, quite applicable to a transitioner IMHO....

That's awesome working with that talent....

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 05, 2019, 12:15:39 pm
Yes!! He received some awards and recognition, but was limited in managing his own career due to his disability.
In those bands' days, everyone was relying on everyone else due to necessity.  It made us all closer family, until my issues made me leave again. Plus the drugs and dysfunctional issues common to bands, and especially those bands' members...
We spent many hundreds of hours together, as he couldn't drive, and I didn't drink and usually had a vehicle.
Last I heard, he was playing church gigs now and happy.

I am proud to have been around him, contributing what I could on bass and vocals.
If I ever resume music seriously, a big motivator is to play in a way that would make him, and other great players I've been around, proud of my playing.  Even though it is impossible for many of them to ever hear me again. 
I feel as strongly about that as I do about being accepted as a woman, maybe more.

Gonna play that track again
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on October 05, 2019, 02:21:10 pm
Maddie, homework, watch the Matrix movies.

How is the head pain. I know it took me a few days to get over the discomfort.

Please do not put yourself down. You are a caring and intelligent woman going through transition. It is a difficult time and a time for self discovery.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 05, 2019, 03:01:31 pm
Thank you Rachel.  I want to believe the good things you say, and deep inside I think I do.
The pain has receded, and the local nurse removed the staples from my head yesterday.  Some of those pinched!

The matrix homework is going to have to wait for now.
Might seem weird, but I don't have a computer, and havent had a tv in like 10 years.
Since I crashed my business this year, Susan's place is about the only reason I have any data plan on phone.
That and looking up sources of collagen on the internet, like you told me about :)

This will change, I promise to find a way
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 07, 2019, 10:38:37 am
With the weather changing cooler, the garden continues to thin out...

Today the scale read my lowest weight in 20 years :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on October 07, 2019, 10:46:14 am
With the weather changing cooler, the garden continues to thin out...

Today the scale read my lowest weight in 20 years :)

Congrats Maddie  :) It's a good feeling....

Best

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on October 08, 2019, 07:22:14 am
Thank you Rachel.  I want to believe the good things you say, and deep inside I think I do.
The pain has receded, and the local nurse removed the staples from my head yesterday.  Some of those pinched!

The matrix homework is going to have to wait for now.
Might seem weird, but I don't have a computer, and havent had a tv in like 10 years.
Since I crashed my business this year, Susan's place is about the only reason I have any data plan on phone.
That and looking up sources of collagen on the internet, like you told me about :)

This will change, I promise to find a way
I've never seen the Matrix movies in their entirety either.
I've been wanting to since I found out they're supposed to be about being trans. Maybe we can watch them here sometime.
With the weather changing cooler, the garden continues to thin out...

Today the scale read my lowest weight in 20 years :)
Congratulations on the scale.  Awesome feeling.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 08, 2019, 07:51:08 am
Yes Tonya!
Lettuce definitely do the Matrix ;)

And thank you. It feels great to be on track towards my goals.
Even better is that other scales weigh me lighter than mine does....plus  I've actually been eating 3x/day, which is more often than i was used to...Reducing calories and exercising helps I guess
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 08, 2019, 10:43:05 am
Speaking of changes and weight loss...

Part of my process in creating a feminine platform with my body is to record my weight daily on a calendar.  Since this is bound to fluctuate, I got in the habit of putting little smiley faces next to new low weights, and frowns when it would go back up (sometimes big frowns with tears!). 
I have changed this and simply been recording the weight instead of letting the little smiles & frowns lead me on an emotional roller coaster about it.

Probably doesn't have any effect, other than to maybe obsess about it less.

Does anyone have little tricks or mindsets they have changed, that have helped them either lose weight or adapt a more feminine figure?  Recent changes in your daily routine?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on October 08, 2019, 12:02:33 pm
I have found in the past that dialing back your eating habits just a wee bit adds up.  Take slightly smaller portions, drink less, pick healthier foods to eat.  Try not to keep eating something after you're full just because it's tasty (easier said than done, I know).  Just take your foot off the gas a little bit.  I consider those minor adjustments, as opposed to going on a diet and setting some aggressive goal for calories. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on October 08, 2019, 12:34:36 pm
Calorie tracking was what helped me. 
Weight fluctuates day to day so daily recording can be frustrating if you don't look at the trend rather than just yesterday.
I did find that the big jumps up from being on vacation or whatever went back down pretty quick when I got back to tracking. 

There are some free apps to help with that.
Got mine from my insurance so don't have a recommendation on which.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 08, 2019, 05:21:14 pm
My thinking now is simply less food= less calories.  I haven't counted anything yet, although I keep an eye on approx how much I'm taking in and avoiding certain non-healthy foods, most of the time.
Still feel like I'm eating enough, and even enjoyed a couple small pieces of pizza and a cookie that were offered when I saw old friends a couple weeks back :)

Right now, I feel in line with what Randi is saying here.
But I am open minded to science and tools when what I'm doing stops working.
Leaving room for apps and other measures for if/when progress stops. If it stops too long...
..the body needs time to adjust and recalibrate things too, and this may take a while.

My eventual goal is to reach my adult weight when I still smoked cigarettes (long ago thankfully!)
It was pretty thin but muscly build.  Could work for me as woman, if I make, or fake, boobs.  Without those, I'm probably cut too guyish...we'll have to wait and see
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: LizK on October 08, 2019, 05:31:14 pm
I had to lose 14kg (30 pound) and I found that what @randim said along with adding in some walking made a huge difference. I certainly didn't go on any kind of starvation diet I simply reduced the amount of rubbish I ate and opted for a few more healthy options and took up walking. I started with 1km(1/2 mile) and worked my way up to 8km (5 miles) 6 days a week.

I found the more exercise I did the better I felt which helped with the eating as well.

Good luck with obtaining your goal
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 08, 2019, 05:42:03 pm
Hi Liz,
Thank you for the good wishes, and for stopping by the garden...
We have tea and fresh mint.
Congratulations to you for dropping the 14k :)
I agree with you, movement and exercise is wonderful medicine.
Feels better.
Title: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Ayla on October 09, 2019, 06:08:40 am
Day 7 post op. Weight lost 20kg, 47Ib over 18 mths.  Walking, portion control and a balanced diet seemed to do it ... provided 'useless' carbs like refined sugar, white wine, beer, cakes, bread and potatoes were kept in moderation.  Good luck, you can do it.  Remember that the lower the BMI the easier it is for the surgeon to produce a great result!

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 09, 2019, 08:52:54 am
Hello Ayla.  Thank you for the encouragement.  I hope you are comfortable.
Congratulations and best healing wishes towards where you are now !
Excellent weight loss results for you as well hon :)

18 months shows that time and patience are factors in healthy weight loss in transition generally, and specifically for successful surgeries.
Tme, patience, and I will add adequate rest, are factors that had been missing in my attempts at weight loss previously.  My old pattern was drop 20lbs in 2 months, and put it back by 3 months later.
But this is serious yo ;)!!

Healthy balanced diet in moderate portions+steady exercise+rest+time+patience= Changes
Got this!

I think the squirrels are eyeing this place up
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 09, 2019, 11:33:31 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie;

When on a weight loss diet, obviously the subjects of Carbs, Sugars, Fat, Protein, Sodium, etc will always come up, and those things are certainly important to one's overall health and other possible personal health issues...

....but the bottom line for weight loss is all about the Calorie Intake.
 
A good exercise program can help burn the extra calories but it is the intake that is initially very important. 
Portion control helps immensely with calorie control.

Just my unqualified opinion, that is all.
As always I am wishing you well.


HUGS,
Danielle

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: BlueJaye on October 09, 2019, 12:06:44 pm
Danielle is right. Study after study has shown that its primarily a matter of caloric expenditure vs. caloric intake. If calories burned is greater than calories taken in, you should lose weight.

However, I will say that I had a really hard time losing weight before HRT. In my mid-20s I lost 60 lbs and got in amazing shape. I was working out like a fiend to do it, even with a good diet. 50 mile bike rides, 13 mile runs, and 3 mile swims were my regular workouts. And that got me to the mid 160s (which isn’t all that small for a 5’ 5” frame). After I got married, I gained about 10 pounds for each kid we had (6 kids). I climbed back up to 213 pounds. Since I started HRT I have dropped close to 30 lbs. since I started back in late April. And it’s taking a lot less effort than it did back in my 20s. I’ve mostly been running 3 miles 2-3 times per week and mountain biking when the weather allows. I have made some small changes to my diet (nothing radical), but those were primarily because of my eosinophilic esophagitis (a real mouthful to say).

I don’t know if every lady on here has had the same experience, but I have found that I am healthier in every respect on HRT.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on October 09, 2019, 07:26:24 pm
Hi Maddie,

I am admittedly very excessive. So take this with a grain of salt and consult a doctor.

I do time restricted feeding 18/6 or 19/5

Keto with no exceptions ever.

I eat a good amount of veggies with my healthy fats and protein. I take additional protein snippets because of my blood tests indicates the need for additional protein. Most likely I am not eating enough meat. My doctor is satisfied with my blood panels. My blood glucose was 88 last blood test and that was one hour after my large lunch.

I lift weights and spin 3 times a week. I have a lot of lean muscle. I work out with woman that do 1/2 marathons, spartan challenges and triathlons. They are really nice and very encouraging. They want me to do the events with them.

I had visceral fat I tried to get rid of for decades. I had a personal trainer for 3 years. I was not able to lose the visceral fat. On the above program I lost 52 pounds and the visceral fat is gone. My blood glucose has been stable and I make all the glucose I need from protein.

What I am doing is difficult for most to do. If you go keto do not cycle keto it will destroy your muscle. Eat low glycemic veggies at every meal, no exception. You gut needs the fiber especially on keto. You can not do keto 6 days a week it must be all the time with no exceptions.

I do not count calories. For lunch I eat until full. Eating healthy fat makes you full fast. A lot of times I put my vegies on a plate with mozzarella cheese and spices and nuke it. Nuts, olives and chia seeds and meet is also eaten for lunch. An awesome cheese to nuke is cheddar. Fat head dough ( I mix in cauliflower ground and dried in a pan) and you can make pizza.

Best,
Rachel

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 14, 2019, 02:48:22 pm
@Maddie


....but the bottom line for weight loss is all about the Calorie Intake.
 
A good exercise program can help burn the extra calories but it is the intake that is initially very important. 
Portion control helps immensely with calorie control.
Danielle, everything you said is how I go about it lately.

Blue Jaye. You sound like a strong person among strong people.  I enjoyed many mountain bike rides this year, and plan to make running a routine again. 

I have gone through times when I couldn't lose weight despite being physically active, or over active. And eliminating bad foods!
As shared here by those who know, the "trick" for me seems to be eating less, smaller portions, etc. Consistently over time (more than a couple months!)
Cut it in half, then cut it in half again...

I had visceral fat I tried to get rid of for decades. I had a personal trainer for 3 years. I was not able to lose the visceral fat. On the above program I lost 52 pounds and the visceral fat is gone. My blood glucose has been stable and I make all the glucose I need from protein.
Rachel, I sincerely thank you always for detailed info.  At this point, I'm still happy to be dropping weight consistently.  I have a feeling at some point I will reach a wall where the fat won't keep going away.  When I reach that point, and if the fat is a problem for me, I will be trying things, especially info like that you are tuned into.
Right now, I am not following any nutrition program , but I do usually follow a loose schedule that is similar to time restricted.

Triathelete is kind of a fuzzy goal for me.  I enjoy all three activities, on a most noncompetitive level.

Cool winds blowing.
I moved the cacti, fern, and an ivy inside.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on October 15, 2019, 08:47:11 am



Cool winds blowing.
I moved the cacti, fern, and an ivy inside.

This cold weather sucks,  we haven't had a good October in years.

Wasn't so much counting the calories, but doing  that I learned portion sizes and calorie counts and was able to make better  choices. It was a long process, still late cheeseburgers, fries and pizza and went to the buffet, just not as often.



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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on October 16, 2019, 07:01:49 am
Just noticed the head wear in the new avatar. I think I might have a purple one just like that

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 16, 2019, 09:25:50 am
Tonya, they're building a Dollar Tree where I live!  Been snooping on the construction when I take my walks.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 16, 2019, 09:29:39 am

Went to Green Bay for electro yesterday.
There I was willingly slurped into Wal-world...and escaped with two each leggings and sports bras.
Followed by 2 1/2 hrs electro appt, in which she cleared my lips and chin.  For like the 13th time :) 
As a bonus, Cyndi cleaned up my eyebrows, and suggested I file my tweezers, since they don't work very well for me.  She also gifted me 4 packs of survival rations.

Feeling 88% more girly today
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on October 16, 2019, 01:46:16 pm
Nice on the shopping trip and the electro in town...That's a long session 2.5 hours in the chair, sounds productive !

Girly good girl :)

Cyndi -

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on October 16, 2019, 04:43:55 pm
I used to do 90 minute sessions and I could barely lie still that long, can't imagine another hour on top of that. 

Dollar Tree by you now?  Maybe we'll have to come out your way for the grand opening.



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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on October 20, 2019, 02:34:18 pm
Maddie, that is a long time with the lips and chin, you rock!

Winter is coming :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 21, 2019, 08:26:44 am
Awe, thanks ladies :)
I have to admit that the lip sessions are cake for me lately, because when we do that area of the face (like once per month), we now have a willing nearby dentist to numb the heck out of it (approx 8 injections that last 3+ hours...)
Before we had this dentist lined up, it took 3 one hour sessions for her to clear the lips with electro, and it was intense. So bad that, relatively, other areas of the face have never bothered me enough to even put lidocaine or ice on it!
Never had electro anywhere but face yet.

Tonya, I will try to find out the dollar tree grand opening date!!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 21, 2019, 08:53:40 am
Recording measurements and changes after 3 months HT. Other factors include improved diet and exercise. Still very early into this..

Measurement.                 July 21st.          October 21st
        Height                               70"                           70"
        Weight                              196lbs                    179lbs
        Shoulders                          47"                          45"
        Chest                                 42"                           43"
        Underbust                         38"                           37"
        Waist.                                 35"                          32"
        Hips                                    40"                          39"
        Thigh                                  23"                          22"
        Calf                                    15"                           15"
        Bicep.                                 13"                           12"
        Forearm.                            11"                          11"
        Smile.                                 2.5"                           3"

Note:  while I try to measure impartially, I admit to being likely inclined as anyone to incorporate some expectation bias,  when applying hard measurements to squishy body parts.

Posting record in this journal for strength and reinforcement against statements I've read that say losing weight on E=difficult to impossible.  And to fight against being told personally that it would be physically impossible for ME to drop weight, regardless of hormones, due to my frame and build.  Trying not to believe the nay sayers!!
       
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 21, 2019, 04:46:53 pm
And to wrap up the seasons micro garden report...

The spearmint was strong,
 the broken stalk still yielded 20 red cherry tomatoes,
and Mr Pepperman's pepper was very pretty, but lacking in taste.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on October 21, 2019, 09:42:37 pm
Congrats on the weight loss.  Keep on melting away!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on October 22, 2019, 08:47:57 am
Recording measurements and changes after 3 months HT. Other factors include improved diet and exercise. Still very early into this..

Measurement.                 July 21st.          October 21st
        Height                               70"                           70"
        Weight                              196lbs                    179lbs
        Shoulders                          47"                          45"
        Chest                                 42"                           43"
        Underbust                         38"                           37"
        Waist.                                 35"                          32"
        Hips                                    40"                          39"
        Thigh                                  23"                          22"
        Calf                                    15"                           15"
        Bicep.                                 13"                           12"
        Forearm.                            11"                          11"
        Smile.                                 2.5"                           3"

Note:  while I try to measure impartially, I admit to being likely inclined as anyone to incorporate some expectation bias,  when applying hard measurements to squishy body parts.

Posting record in this journal for strength and reinforcement against statements I've read that say losing weight on E=difficult to impossible.  And to fight against being told personally that it would be physically impossible for ME to drop weight, regardless of hormones, due to my frame and build.  Trying not to believe the nay sayers!!
       
Hey girl,

Doing great on the weight loss.  You've seen my pictures, so you should know its possible to lose weight on E.  And if I can can lose it, anyone that wants to can do it also.  It's a slog though. 

Congratulations and keep it up.  Don't think you've got too much further to go. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 22, 2019, 11:33:22 am
Singing in the garden
"...someone stop the world and melt with me..."

Actually I'm more witchy
Ooh I'm melting....!
Thank you Randi

Tonya, you are a very good example of this, and yes, an inspiration for me right now!
Btw, as of this morning, the new dollar store has a facade, but no signs or open dates yet.

..and I keep thinking about the cheaper wigs at the Halloween stores, but so far I've seen too many selections for me to decide..


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on October 22, 2019, 06:19:35 pm
Hi Maddie,

I think you have made awesome progress. I too was told I would not be able to lose weight. I lost 52 pounds and gained a bunch of muscle. One thing you may want to track is foot size. I lost a show size from going from 220 to 170 pounds.

In the gym I saw a small woman squat 250 pounds 3 sets of 10 free weight. She is all muscle and no fat. If I did not see it I would not believe it. Point being we can do a lot of things people say we can not do. We can not do what we say we can not do.

You can do it :)

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 23, 2019, 10:05:14 am
Point being we can do a lot of things people say we can not do. We can not do what we say we can not do.

You can do it :)
Thank you Rachel!!

And I will keep tabs on the feets.  Dropping a size would be wonderous.

Moving things around....

Put the spearmint in a pot and brought it in. Hoping it might survive inside.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Faith on October 23, 2019, 10:19:23 am
feet and hands will shrink with weight loss. How much is still dependent upon your body. I lost foot width, some length. Weight in the feet tend to make them rounder/wider not longer. My hands, while overall larger man hands, look thinner than they used to look.

Still, my feet are smaller then my daughter and my older granddaughter .. and I'm taller than they are. Today's young gals have large feet. At least, that I have noticed.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 23, 2019, 10:45:17 am
 Interesting.  It also seems that there are more taller young women sprouting up. Guess that's why they need bigger feet....

My feet could use a little narrowing...just another great reason to keep the weight down!
My hands are short and wide. Many women's hands are longer.  I used to hide my hands for this reason.

But when I went through a chi na (joint lock) class years ago, the instructors repeatedly used me for demonstrating examples, because it was difficult to apply the techniques to my hand and wrist.  They said I had big strong hands. 

Perception differs.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on October 24, 2019, 07:38:40 am
Singing in the garden
"...someone stop the world and melt with me..."

Actually I'm more witchy
Ooh I'm melting....!
Thank you Randi

Tonya, you are a very good example of this, and yes, an inspiration for me right now!
Btw, as of this morning, the new dollar store has a facade, but no signs or open dates yet.

..and I keep thinking about the cheaper wigs at the Halloween stores, but so far I've seen too many selections for me to decide..
Thanks, Maddie.


About feet, I dropped maybe a 1/2 size, which means I can fit a 12 in some brands now.  Still not great in store selection.

Speaking of wigs, how's your hair coming along?


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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 25, 2019, 01:58:08 pm
Overall greying and thinning.
Withering like the plants...I have hope?

Started taking collagen and  hair supplement.  Using a shampoo recomended by doctor, and a couple natural remedies that came up in Google search.  Going to try to give it the best chance possible in the next year, hoping to see growth and changes.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on October 25, 2019, 05:06:36 pm
I've lost a shoe size and 2" in height over the past 10 years. My upper arms have shrunk by a lot.

Good luck with the scalp care, and revitalization Maddie  :)

Cyndi -

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 25, 2019, 06:17:15 pm
Thank you Cyndi!
I believe in what is happening, and see this all as planting and watering seeds of change.
And hope.

Speaking of which, i hope your changes are welcome for you. 
They sound purty darn good from my perspective .
Even if I have to be short :)

Changes started like tree seeds.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on November 20, 2019, 01:38:50 pm
I am not complaining.

Everything is fine.

Good luck fortune peace and health in your ordeal today
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 20, 2019, 02:20:28 pm
Thanks Maddie for telling us your experience with the Portland TSA. I too got "bullied" when we where going through the Portand TSA.  The TSA agent continued to refer to me as "Sir, or Mr." when they were reading my passport with my correct legal female name.   I was about to tell him my correct pronoun when I caught myself before saying anything, a voice in my head said, "Do you want to be pulled out of line, and made to be humiliated, and embarrassed in front of strangers, in addition to missing my flight?"  A cooler head prevailed, and I did not say a thing, even when the TSA agent asked me twice, "Did you say something?"
My response was no, just thinking of how busy it is here. 

Katie76


@Katie76
Dear Katie:
You did exactly the correct thing, biting your tongue, getting through security, and not missing your flight.   It is possible that you could have indeed been pulled out of the line and humiliated... and missed your flight too.

Save your battle for a more opportune and safer time.
Thanks for sharing and posting.

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle


Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 39
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 20, 2019, 02:34:15 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Welcome back... your garden missed you very much, I trust that you can get it back into good order soon.
Also me and the rest of your devoted followers have missed you while you have been absent.

Once you get caught up fixing up your garden I will be looking very forward to reading your updates and your life endeavors that you wish to share with us.

Thank you for returning to your thread.
HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle


Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 39
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on November 22, 2019, 09:51:44 am
Blown away by changes

Pushing away

Still want to be here on forum

Wait and see

Bless you
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 22, 2019, 10:01:19 am
Blown away by changes

Pushing away

Still want to be here on forum

Wait and see

Bless you

@Maddie
Dear Maddie...
Please go to my "Things Change" thread.....
    Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,249181.0.html)
 
Many HUGS,
Danielle


Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 39
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Listlesswanderer on November 22, 2019, 11:09:24 am
Very late to the garden party, but it sounds like we need to find a nice place in the country somewhere that we can plant a placid Eden so we can make sure everyone can make it for tea. Away from the city and hustle and bustle, the career stress and where we can just be, for as long as required.

I occasionally partake in a nice drink of iced adult drink, and I couldn't say where time stands still that this would be unwelcome--even if I am cool with tea too.

Nice to see your journey is unfolding well!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on November 22, 2019, 01:34:56 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
I am so glad that you came back to your thread.... 
....your garden needs you.

My sweetie ToothFairy and I will be heading to Montana to be with her family for Thanksgiving soon... not sure when I will return home.
I want to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and a wonderful and Merry Christmas season...
HUGS,
Danielle




Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 39
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on November 23, 2019, 07:55:13 am
Blown away by changes

Pushing away

Still want to be here on forum

Wait and see

Bless you

Good Morning Ms Maddie - your posts and comments are appreciated by many. I hope life is treating you well.

Take good care and hugs

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 09, 2019, 10:27:47 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Where oh where are you.... your garden needs you.  I and the rest of your followers can not keep your garden looking as healthy and pretty as you can do it'.

Please come back and give us an update.
HUGS 
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 09, 2019, 10:31:17 pm
Huddled inside with cacti, fern, and ivy.  And cat :)

Snow outside, but raining inside every day.

Having meltdowns and crying alot.

It seems like Im nowhere.  But I've come a long way to get here.

Wouldn't want it any other way.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 09, 2019, 10:33:10 pm
Thank you so much Northern Star Girl. I really like your screen name
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on December 09, 2019, 10:38:32 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Hang in there...  your followers are here to support you and encourage you.

           
           
           
HUGS,
Danielle
  (formerly Alaskan Danielle)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 09, 2019, 10:47:20 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Hang in there...  your followers are here to support you and encourage you.

           
           
           
HUGS,
Danielle
  (formerly Alaskan Danielle)
thx for the hugs. It feels good
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on December 10, 2019, 08:30:19 am
Huddled inside with cacti, fern, and ivy.  And cat :)

Snow outside, but raining inside every day.

Having meltdowns and crying alot.

It seems like Im nowhere.  But I've come a long way to get here.

Wouldn't want it any other way.

The most important thing growing in your garden is you.  Give that rose a lot of TLC. I hope your internal weather switches to sunny skies soon.  Stay strong Sis.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on December 11, 2019, 06:25:52 am
Huddled inside with cacti, fern, and ivy.  And cat :)

Snow outside, but raining inside every day.

Having meltdowns and crying alot.

It seems like Im nowhere.  But I've come a long way to get here.

Wouldn't want it any other way.
Great to see you back in your garden. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on December 11, 2019, 06:47:23 pm
Hey, I get to experience the Portland airport January 8 and 9th. I do not want to have an issue with TSA and I have a naughty side (not fresh or bad, just naughty). I may never get back to Philadelphia.

Maddie, if you have the opportunity you may want to do some exercise to release endorphins, it helps me. Winter can have its down sides and cramps us out of outdoors activity so indoor activity is a great replacement.

I eat a very special way and I take a lot of specific foods and I exercise; at some point I stopped losing weight. Now I am gaining muscle. I think it looks awesome and it burns calories so I can eat more food.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 12, 2019, 06:09:47 pm
Naughty Rachel!
I enjoy both exercising & eating food, as well as trying to look better from all angles in the mirror.
Its hard to stay depressed, cause I keep breaking down ;)
No squats or weights til new year, still healing some.
One of my neighbors left an exercise ski kind of thing in the hallway.  I'm on it all the time now that its cold out. 
A sign on it says Do Not Touch, so I'm a little naughty too.
 Kind of.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 13, 2019, 02:27:16 pm
Channeling anger in constructive ways with some success.
.
My interaction skills need tweaking. 
Some people I know need to go tweak themselves.

Create with positive thoughts.
Tireless action balanced with peaceful rest.


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 14, 2019, 12:35:02 pm
It happened.
It was real.
Even if noone else noticed or cared.

My reality is precedent over any mis-takes on me

Not sorry.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 15, 2019, 04:25:19 am
Life feels out of phase.
Like a magnet with the wrong polarity.
Right place / wrong time / all the time
This is not new
Attempts to fall into the right groove not yet successful.
Since apparently I cannot make this happen by effort, I ask this groove to find me and not let my damaged soul miss the window due to reaction/rejection, which in turn is apparently due to trauma...?? Whatever
Wasted life.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on December 15, 2019, 07:34:52 am
Life out of phase.  Good way to describe it.  I've felt an outsider most of my life, even in places I know I'm welcome

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 16, 2019, 08:11:29 am
Hey,  Tonya's here!

Opening the sliding door.
Turning welcome sign on.

Its cold out there.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on December 16, 2019, 10:49:04 am
Not wasted sweetie.  Maybe not fun at times, but not wasted.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 16, 2019, 06:50:23 pm
Not wasted sweetie.  Maybe not fun at times, but not wasted.

You re right of course, Randi girl.
Trying not to make problems for myself.

Today I made attempts to diffuse a potential confrontation in the building.  In a flirty smiley peaceful way.
Should probly stayed out of it. But the big drunk visitor guy is going to get damaged, and the angry old psycho guy is going to hurt himself doing it.

Then I might get asked to carry a big heavy somebody. 
Which is obviously not a gender affirming thing to be picked to do...
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on December 18, 2019, 10:00:25 am
Drunken quarrels are best left to the authorities  :)

Hope the "phase shift" to the positive is underway, and may better timing come your way, as you make it so....

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 19, 2019, 03:30:08 pm
Sometimes they are the authorities. At least one thinks he is.
This is not simple.  More like a sequel.
I am not uninvolved.

Yes, timing is prime important!!!
Out of phase/ out of groove = wrong timing
Shift to positive
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 21, 2019, 12:57:56 pm
The 1980s into 90s are when I grew up.  Pop gender expressions were so blurry then.  Guess I couldn't handle it.
Maybe I wanted clear defined gender expressions as I imagined it from earlier time. And I wanted to be clearly on the side of the equation that I was not.

Had to shutter my vision and awareness to survive.
Missed a lot .

Now I'm lifting my head out of the sand, and see nothing waited for me.
Cannot live here. There is no place to go.

Going back under the sand!!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 21, 2019, 01:00:39 pm
Biggest problem is that I just don't like men that much. Women either.
Men are just...there.

So...why???
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on December 21, 2019, 03:16:59 pm
The 1980s into 90s are when I grew up.  Pop gender expressions were so blurry then.  Guess I couldn't handle it.
Maybe I wanted clear defined gender expressions as I imagined it from earlier time. And I wanted to be clearly on the side of the equation that I was not.

Had to shutter my vision and awareness to survive.
Missed a lot .

Now I'm lifting my head out of the sand, and see nothing waited for me.
Cannot live here. There is no place to go.

Going back under the sand!!
Biggest problem is that I just don't like men that much. Women either.
Men are just...there.

So...why???
Hang in there, girl.

We'll talk soon.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on December 21, 2019, 04:52:19 pm
Hi Maddie,

I am more attracted to males than females. However, with that said, I do not have a burning desire.

I am taking 1/2 my T dose so that is probably why my labido is lower than it was when I was younger. If I wanted to I could ramp up the T. Then my desires would ramp up and probability of reaching out to a guy would be higher.

So perhaps your T is low.

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 21, 2019, 05:16:15 pm
Nice avatar shot Tonya!

Thank you Rachel.
My T is low and I believe has always been that way.
It's actually one of my favorite things about me.  Especially with all the billboards for T I see nowadays.
Makes me feel good not to want what "everyone" or society thinks they need.

Wondering why transition with bottom surgeries if I have, and have never had, burning desire to be with anyone.

I am aware that people,  both male and female, find me attractive. I'm grateful for this, and trying to enjoy it more.  Just saying that deep down I don't care enough to feel it too.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 26, 2019, 04:07:51 pm
What a year.
Happy holidays everyone.
I have never been where you are at, or when you were there.
You will never know what I don't know about my life.
If you disagree, please tell me, because I'm missing pieces.
Love
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on December 26, 2019, 04:15:02 pm


Wondering why transition with bottom surgeries if I have, and have never had, burning desire to be with anyone.


Only speaking for myself, (being in a committed relationship), it's not just about sex, or the act, it's a feeling of being congruent, aligned, and correct.

Happy New Year Maddie and everyone

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 26, 2019, 04:33:46 pm
Congruence
Alignment
Correctness

Yes please.

When I see the people in my life,  they are usually mirrors or angels.

It can rain anytime
Beauty
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 27, 2019, 07:46:09 am
Rain.
Crying all the time.

I'm a cat with claws that cannot be held.
Grateful to sleep so much.

The things I am good at and want to work on seem outdated and futile.
The present does not want me.  Pretty sure the future wants me even less.
Not talking about just transgender.  It's me that my world doesn't want. Not my gender. Me.
If I would have been accepted in this life as a man, I would be doing so.
 I do not relate to most of the people on Susans
Yet I should try to go forward today.!?;:'"*£¢€^°°{}
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on December 27, 2019, 08:25:33 am
retract claws, although they are good defenses kept at the ready....

ya know when starting up HRT (for you again), it's an emotional experience, it can be darn right roller coaster. Just reminding, that until you have your levels stabilized and a few years behind you, expect crying, expect emotions to run away. Susan's is just a slice of humanity, with all it's diversity, you are just as different as the rest of us Maddie  :)

Yes, to your question, for this moment is what you have.

Hugs and stability

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on December 27, 2019, 10:41:05 am
Meow.
Sounds good.

I welcome the tears actually.

Trying to deal with hopelessness. Transition requires prolonged effort at times unsustainable without some kind of fantasy hope that things can get better with the changes. I do not believe this currently.  So I operate under the same premise as always.  Try to do things daily that are healthy and can prolong life, so that in the event life ever makes sense to me, I might have enough health and mobility to be useful.

My previous attempt at HRT does not count, since it was short lived and never increased the starting dose.

Its been an amazing year.
2020 must bring more changes and progress.
There may be a need to relocate and find a different prescribing doctor for hormones.
Definitely need to find another pharmacy. On my 3rd place since summer

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on December 27, 2019, 01:10:54 pm

Its been an amazing year.
2020 must bring more changes and progress.
There may be a need to relocate and find a different prescribing doctor for hormones.
Definitely need to find another pharmacy. On my 3rd place since summer

Excellent, on above !

not sure of your circumstances with the prescribing doc, however mail order pharmacies (CVS or other) are sure convenient.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on December 28, 2019, 09:08:28 pm




Its been an amazing year.
2020 must bring more changes and progress.
There may be a need to relocate and find a different prescribing doctor for hormones.
Definitely need to find another pharmacy. On my 3rd place since summer

Sorry to hear of your pharmacy problems. 
Insurance issues?  It's been a big since I did retail but I might don't think things changed that much.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on December 31, 2019, 12:15:26 pm
Wishing you health and happiness in the coming new year Maddie

Hugs

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on January 03, 2020, 11:00:59 pm
Hi Maddie,

Happy 2020 :)

Holidays are very difficult for me. I live alone and it is a family time and I really do not have family. So, I tend to get depressed and pull back. Lack of sunlight I think adds to the depressing times. I am glad the holidays are over.

Transition is difficult partly due to the change in hormones and different types of E administration. Also there is a huge social change and adjustment. We also have to accept who we are and love ourselves.

I think I cried a bit every day recently. When I pull up to the house my dog is not there to greet me. Being alone and isolated outside of work is rough. I go to the gym and the hall for some social activity.

 For the first time is 23 years I went out New Years Eve. I played at the hall. I have made some acquaintances and I played with three guys. Not sex but play. I was completely exhausted from play at 12:30. I am playing tomorrow night with a guy that was not at the NYE party. He is a difficult play. I am also playing with new guy I meet at the NYE party. I will top the harp on him. I am not a top but he asked so I will try. 

Point being I have made a space for me to have a social life. One in which I am growing as a person. I can now message people and request play. I am learning to socialize with people at events too.

Yes, it is a rather odd venue to learn social skills but I am learning the social skills.

I thought about volunteering at an animal shelter. My ex will be going on a vacation with our daughter this summer.  My ex asked I not adopt a pet until after the trip ( I will watch her cat). I thought if I volunteered I could help some poor critters, love something warm and that loves back and when my ex and daughter return I would adopt a new friend. Also, I could make a new and different social circle. I guess this is me trying to apply the principle of a connector.

In kindergarten or 1st grade we made friends so easy. We did not judge others and we played and had fun. As adults there are all sorts of barriers we create to stop us from being hurt and connecting. Learning how to play as an adult requires a lot of effort and breaking down of self constructed walls. It is scary and difficult and takes time to relearn the skills and practice them. I will not be alone tomorrow afternoon and night and I will be practicing my skills. The venue is unique but I am accepted and as time goes by I am making friends.

I know it is really difficult this time of year with seasonal depression from lack of light. I know hormones are a trip when starting and until you are on them for a while. Even then they definitely allow you to focus of what is real, how we feel. I know isolation and how lonely feels. I need social contact. So for me I found I have to get out there and make it happen. My next social journey will be to volunteer at an animal shelter. 

This summer I will get to the beach on weekends and I will definitely have fun in the surf.

I am an older transitioner. I get a lot of guys on POF messaging me and I can not find the courage to message back. I know it will lead to meeting and then what? I am working up the courage and working on the social skills to find out.

Lots of ramblings, sorry. I just wanted to share how I am coping with the changes in my life.

Best,
Rachel



 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 12, 2020, 11:59:08 am
Every one of your ramblings hit my mark Rachel.
I need to go play with guys and poor animal critters who need attention.

Walls. And just plain not there yet.

There were many changes in my garden last year, and they've been catching up to me since fall.
So I've been holding the windows to life closed because I feel there is no more room in me!

Yes the holiday season also rough and isola.

Logging on to this forum, or even to the internet, is something I do when I feel capable of facing the long-term view of the daunting path of transition that I take small steps on every day.
I avoid media, tv, movies, etc. Other than listening to sports or music on radio, I don't think I've seen one show since I got off the road a year ago. Guess I never adjusted well ha! Walls.

I actually had a thought picture of (me+bottom surgery) which is why I logged on today
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on January 12, 2020, 12:20:31 pm
@Maddie
My dear Maddie:
The records show that you have not posted since December 27th....  it is now January 12th .... 
      Your garden has been left unattended by you for 16 DAYS !!!!   Fortunately your followers and I have given your garden some much needed TLC while you went missing !!!!

What have you been up to?  We need an update about your goings-on.  Where have you been, what have you been doing, and what are your big plans and endeavors for the new year 2020?

Please if you feel so inclined, return to your usual frequent updates.... your followers are eager to support you when you report not-so-good news and we will rejoice with you when we read of your good times and successes.  We are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success.

HUGS and lots more HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 12, 2020, 02:22:03 pm
Hi Danielle.
Never thought of anyone here as my follower.  But I know there have been times that the support from people at Susan's has helped my heart keep going.  I have tried to support people here as well, and can only hope it helps.

I haven't been doing much worth reporting.
Minimal contributions here and in the world.
Gratefully hanging on to some good weight loss 
People in my building going though worse times.

If there is a time lapse limit before closing threads, could you please let me know?
I don't want to be lost to here, but sometimes I have to shut down to survive.
Thank you

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on January 12, 2020, 05:48:11 pm
Bottom Surgery,

I had GCS and 2 revisions and a few in office procedures and I think 14 silver nitrite visits until they gave me the silver nitrite and showed me how to apply it at home. I will be having another surgeon review my vagina and vaginal canal this summer to get another Doctors opinion and recommendation. I think I am not deep enough and there are two granulation areas remaining. I think I need fat transfer into my labia as well.

I think I read every article I could find there was at the time for GCS and watched every U tube video. I went on many GCS doctors web sites are read all the more recent Susan's posts for about 2 years in history.

I was apprehensive about the procedure and all the complications that could result from it. I spend a few days in ICU post op.

I would do it again 1000 times over. I am who I am and always have been.

It is 100% normal to be apprehensive and I would think it not "normal" to not have apprehensions about GCS. It is a major surgery and there are potential issues that can occur. If you apprehensive if GCS is right for you then perhaps more introspective is needed.

Yes you are followed. :) Yes, you make a difference on Susan's and I am sure elsewhere.

Rachel Lynn

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on January 13, 2020, 07:56:41 am
I have tried to support people here as well, and can only hope it helps.

I want to echo what Rachel said above, your words to others matter Maddie, just sayin'

Going on 4 years post op myself, it was one of the best things I could have ever done for myself. I can live with me.

Best to you, yeah survival matters....

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on January 13, 2020, 03:33:37 pm
well I lurk , some times you need help with the weeding and watering and maybe to help plant seeds. Cant wait for GCS myself and just hope it all goes well, after 50 years waiting -------
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 15, 2020, 09:03:00 am
Dwelling on Havenot & Cannot maintains Depression St

Matrix program isolation.
Less room for changes in a comfortable prison.

Feeling happier and closer to myself in mirrors lately.
Just don't look too close ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on January 15, 2020, 09:25:25 am


Dwelling on Havenot & Cannot maintains Depression St

Matrix program isolation.
Less room for changes in a comfortable prison.

Feeling happier and closer to myself in mirrors lately.
Just don't look too close ;)

Hey girl.

Think I've been spending too much time on those streets lately.

Glad you are finding friendly mirrors.

We should get together again soon.

Be well.






Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 15, 2020, 09:34:52 am
Hi Tonya
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 19, 2020, 02:48:16 pm
Being a person who is trans is troubling!
Also problematic are my claws like a scared wildcat.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on January 19, 2020, 04:20:23 pm
Nobody said it was easy dear, hope you find the balance soon. To much fauna and not enough flowers do not make a tidy garden.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 21, 2020, 09:01:31 am
Recieved phone msg yesterday.  Was an old friend, not sounding good.  They used my old name, which told me they were in bad shape, because he had been good about that change. 
Without calling him back, I was able drive 5 hrs to bring him a card in the hospital.  They let me in to see him.  Later he called, using my new name, and said he loves me.
Today he should know more.  He expressed being at peace regarding end of life.

For me today I go to Green Bay for electro. Will clear lips for the 15th time, plus wherever else she gets to.

One thing about Susan's forum.  I long looked forward to the time when I too would be identified as "family" here.  Instead I am a "donator". I am glad to have been able to occasionally help in a meager way, but it kind of hurts that this was taken away from me.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on January 21, 2020, 09:15:39 am
Hi Maddie, I hope your friend would get well, and nice resolution on your name, that's evolution....

you have my sympathies on the electro...

Try this - in your profile, change the word "puzzlebox" to "family" ? your family here with me,

Hugs

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on January 21, 2020, 09:23:09 am
So sorry to hear about your friend Maddie.   :( It was extremely kind of you to visit him.  Good luck with the electro.  Unfortunately, a necessary evil for us.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 21, 2020, 09:41:01 am
Thank you both.

Cyndi, I have considered entering that in as a custom title.
For that matter, I could enter "Forum President".
But I wanted it to be earned and bestowed.  So often we have to lead the world around and guide them how to address us.
If I have to enter the word family in, it's not as real to me.  I want other people to call me ma'am, or family without me having to guide it.  I think I actually did enter family as as custom title before anyway.

Grateful that you consider me family!  Do we have any plans for my birthday tomorrow? ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on January 21, 2020, 10:21:57 am
Cyndi, I have considered entering that in as a custom title.
For that matter, I could enter "Forum President".
But I wanted it to be earned and bestowed.  So often we have to lead the world around and guide them how to address us.
 

I don't know the inner workings of this forum Maddie, but this I do know that you more than qualify for "family" in the post rankings  :D

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html

There was a time when those fields would just populate themselves seemingly by default, but I think after you enter "custom" words, the default "post rankings" do go away, only my observation...

Hugs and I hope your birthday tomorrow is full of joy and contentment, as you are on your way...

Cyndi - (no post rankings, no custom title these days  :))

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on January 21, 2020, 02:52:49 pm
Happy Birthday dear, its my youngest lads birthday tomorrow as well (29 , where does the time go?).  Have a good day ma'am
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on January 21, 2020, 11:34:45 pm
Hey girl.

Happy Birthday and sorry to hear of your friends illness.  Hope he is good. 

How's the hair coming along? 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 23, 2020, 11:48:35 am
Helloooo

Hey I'm still alive and here.
Despite all the times I have cursed at my condition, God, and the world, I am still breathing and able to eat, etc
My hair is growing in somewhat, and I like that very much.

Thank you for kind birthday wishes ladies!
All the best to your youngest, Davina
This next year plans for me include continuing HRT, and getting my financial plan for transition back on track after falling off and burning said track in 2019

I am 19 and 29 put together
Hopefully this doesn't add up to 12 today.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on January 23, 2020, 05:37:34 pm

Hey I'm still alive and here.
Despite all the times I have cursed at my condition, God, and the world, I am still breathing and able to eat, etc
My hair is growing in somewhat, and I like that very much.


Survival matters (said previously), nice update on your hair, has to feel nice seeing progress

C

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 24, 2020, 10:26:09 am
Six months (in a row) on HRT.

Just a  little breast sensitivity/ not really sore but I feel something sometimes
However, chest measurement appears the same, despite losing around 40lbs.
= Growth?

Penile attachment appears same size despite wt loss
= Shrinking some?
Seems to work as well as it did before, which is to stay occasionally. But my starting T was like 17 before HRT.

Electrolysist has commented on some diffetence in my skin, but not to the extent of anothrr transwoman she worked on, who i know was on a blocker and no E, which is opposite what I'm doing currently.

Budget for electrolysis greatly reduced approx same time as starting HRT. But still have been clearing lips every few weeks.  Despite this and HRT, beard shadow still very present, even under makeup from a distance. (Already did a year of laser plus 2 yrs electro prior)
= My mileage may vary thing?

Body hair appears reduced/slowed. Certainly not stopped though.

Crying daily.  At least a few drops

Still feel physically strong. Have not noticed any tasks becoming harder.

Overall I am happy feeling smaller and gently accepting feminizing waves. 
Trying to remember that my self image is distorted.  I don't think I look any different in the mirror than before, for good or bad.   
I no longer need to unbutton of unzip anything to put on or take off, so I know I'm different.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on January 24, 2020, 11:25:30 am
Hi Maddie,

Sounds like progress to me.  And congrats on the weight loss.  That is a real accomplishment.  If your chest is sore, I think you're going to have some growth.  But how much seems very unpredictable.  It is wayyyy over my head to speculate on the effects of not using a blocker.  Is that because you had low T to begin with?

Beard/body hair:  I think this is just a bitter, hard road for so many trans women.  It sure is for me.  Laser is helping on some spots on my face, but I'm afraid I have too much white hair for it to do tons.  I fear I am going to be on the table a lot while the electrologist does hand-to-hair combat.

Emotional changes: While it's not wonderful that you're crying if it's because you're sad, being able to access emotions and express them is pretty awesome.

Keep going in the right direction Maddie.  You'll get there. Big hugs.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on January 24, 2020, 09:37:27 pm
Hey there.

Good to hear that the hair is coming along.

 
As for your 6 month report, seem about what to expect.  Took me about a year to notice strength issues.  I think at least in part because I was going some light weight lifting knowing that it was coming.  Might take you longer to notice the lower T related things (muscle mass loss, testicle shrinkage, less body hair) since yours was very low at start. My guess on your electrolysis and shadow would be dense and/or dark facial hair. 

It is progress though.

Take care



Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 27, 2020, 10:38:01 am
Hi

Today in this garden I am noticing changes in the way I think and feel about closeness with others.  Habitually, I've been content to repulse closeness.  With the HRT and other changes, I am noticing a different awareness, and date I say acceptance?, towards others being close to me. 
Mostly it's my cat ;)  But it's also with men, women, and other people.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on January 27, 2020, 12:18:04 pm
Hi

 I am noticing a different awareness, and date I say acceptance?, towards others being close to me. 
Mostly it's my cat ;)  But it's also with men, women, and other people.

indeed inter-connectivity becomes enhanced, women smile at you more, men are suddenly friendly in seemingly different ways. Glad you feeling it, like when you look your kitty in the eye and then she winks at you... ;)

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 28, 2020, 09:25:48 am
Going back behind barriers and compartmentalizibg my life thank you
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on January 28, 2020, 09:33:10 am
I've lived half a century that way Maddie.  I don't recommend it. But gawd, I know how hard it is to live any other way sometimes.  Big hugs to you girl.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 28, 2020, 11:45:27 pm
When I get comfortable in myself, something knocks me two steps back.
Sometimes this is matrix, or bad minded people.  Or else a confidence issue, or  just self defense against my own carelessness.

Resolution: not to ride in any social vehicles that already have an even number of wheels.
3rd wheel, 5th wheel....Story of My Old Life.
The even wheels might like me around to make things interesting for them.  But I seek...

...A New Story
I believe I am smiling and expressing a little more confidence with my transitioning self.
Therefore, I do not believe I deserve a kick in the gut.
Yet I fantasize about delivering this very same thing to certain special people..
I am a refraining gutkicker.

Trying to maintain a little frame and posture. 
It's habitual to slump and hide under the pressure.
Easy or not, I don't want to hide this light


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 29, 2020, 08:08:21 am
It's been a couple months since I have noticed any new people respond to many of the threads I follow here, or on this one.  Everywhere I look it's the same responders that were there before the all inclusive area didn't want them anymore.
Nudging by what boards I looked to when I was new,  it seems obvious why, but I'm not everyone.

I notice that many of the longer standing members here don't seem to post threads that could be construed as journals or blogs, and i think this goes back a ways and there were no blogs allowed at that time..

Cleaned up  Everything in its place. On time. Everytime.
Yeah right,. Remember, I don't pass!

There are some very capable people on this forum.  But in my case I probably wouldn't be here if I had any success elsewhere. Sorry if that offends anyone.  But if I could live and succeed in society as a man as born, I would not have found this place.
Don't want to be some one-way blogger.  Would like to discuss transgender issues in an all inclusive topic category.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 29, 2020, 08:12:33 am
Hi I am Maddie here is my soapbox :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on January 29, 2020, 09:08:25 am
But if I could live and succeed in society as a man as born, I would not have found this place.
Don't want to be some one-way blogger. 

Hi Maddie, back at ya, it's hard OK ? The whole premise of living within acceptable boundaries of a given gender (male) was a lie in my eyes, and sorry to say it took me quite a while to become enlightened. I ended the compartmentalization, I got honest with myself, and by the way, you take hormones, your mind is gonna bend, OK ? Coping skills are necessary. Writing about your experiences here has a therapeutic value. Success is individual by the way, ok back to work for me. I send you a smile and well wishes....

Hugs

C

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 29, 2020, 09:14:12 am
 :)
I luv you Cyndi
You talk to me
And I respect you

Im not gonna make this hard OK
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on January 29, 2020, 10:16:58 am
I notice that many of the longer standing members here don't seem to post threads that could be construed as journals or blogs, and i think this goes back a ways and there were no blogs allowed at that time...

Maddie, I think some of it has to do with the ebb and flow of people on the forum.  Here as in life, people come and go from our lives.  They write what's on their minds in a way to pass time.  When they seem to arrive where they are going they move on.  Meanwhile their writing enters our minds and affects us as it will. 

"Words are flowing out
Like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy
Are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me
"

I do enjoy your writing.  Please continue.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 29, 2020, 02:02:24 pm
Thank you  JudiBE

Must admit that I ebb and flow mostly when I take too much time into my hands   ;)

Beautifully funny images of words slithering
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 30, 2020, 09:55:18 am
Looking in mirrors is tricky business. Where is mind at when I look?

I think I might look more feminine when I am dressed tomboyish with loose clothes. Or at least I feel like I blend in more, so maybe what I'm feeling is security in public.

But really I want to wear skirts and tight clothes.  That's what I needed to do, and often did before I knew what I was.  Hope these are still to be played in my sexy card hand, but it has got to start feeling right.

Own it, yes!

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on January 30, 2020, 10:15:44 am
Looking in mirrors is tricky business. Where is mind at when I look?

I think I might look more feminine when I am dressed tomboyish with loose clothes. Or at least I feel like I blend in more, so maybe what I'm feeling is security in public.

But really I want to wear skirts and tight clothes.  That's what I needed to do, and often did before I knew what I was.  Hope these are still to be played in my sexy card hand, but it has got to start feeling right.

Own it, yes!

Mirror Mirror on the wall, i'm really a girl after all  :)

Yes own it, I looked at the weather for Madison, WI, expecting a high of 30 there today, brrrr, a little chilly for skirts just yet ?

Have a lovely day

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 30, 2020, 10:41:42 am
I'm up towards Green Bay, so pretty close to that temp. Many women here dress and speak like slobby guys actually. 

Last year I saw someone in skirt &  heels at a gas station in winter. Was so unusual I wondered what her job was.  If she had showed any suspicious cues, i'd have figured her for a trans or CD. Sad.
She looked so great, and of course I wished that was a more common look on people.
She owned it though.

Its hard to be the only one, but someone has to do it:)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on January 30, 2020, 10:24:50 pm
Mirror Mirror on the wall, i'm really a girl after all  :)

Yes own it, I looked at the weather for Madison, WI, expecting a high of 30 there today, brrrr, a little chilly for skirts just yet ?

Have a lovely day

C
Fleece tights.  Warmer than most leggings.
Sweater tights are pretty good too.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 31, 2020, 09:59:10 am
There are dogs and hogs already on my trail who I am not ready for.

Staying away from the cute stuff right now.  Keeping it more loose covered and tomboy....usually... ;)

Always try to have some little thing femme going on.  Trying to be more subtle, as many women are.

Willl have to wait anf see how this strategy works in warm weather, chemicals start swirling, will I find myself showing more off...
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: RandyL on January 31, 2020, 02:38:34 pm
Hi Maddie, I don't think I've said hello to you yet, although I've been reading your posts for some time. Hi there!

I went to college in Appleton back in the early 70's so I know something of your weather. I hated the feel of my cold jeans against my legs as I walked around campus. In retrospect, tights under a skirt might have felt a lot better, but I wasn't ready to go there back then.

Meantime stay strong, and warm. Hugs Randy

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on January 31, 2020, 02:48:23 pm
Hugs back!

Naah, this weather is fine.  Outside just a hoodie today.
Eskimos call this summer ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on January 31, 2020, 09:07:12 pm
Naah, this weather is fine.  Outside just a hoodie today.
Eskimos call this summer ;)


Thats the spirit!  Here in NH it was a balmy winter day. Ha!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 02, 2020, 09:44:03 am
Hey NH!  I lived in Manchester 2  years when small and worked thru there and Nashua last in 2018.
Beautiful. 
The northeast US sure gets its share of snow!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 02, 2020, 09:47:04 am
Groundhog Day

Woke up.
Rubbed my eyes
Looked in mirror
Still seeing shadow
Long winter yes
Not crawling back into my hole just yet
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 02, 2020, 09:49:47 am
Groundhog Day

Woke up.
Rubbed my eyes
Looked in mirror
Still seeing shadow
Long winter yes
Not crawling back into my hole just yet

Good Morning, shadows here too
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 02, 2020, 09:52:25 am
Goodinmornin

Keep them toes toasty warm  :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 03, 2020, 11:10:14 pm
Enough of living ashamed
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 04, 2020, 08:52:24 am
Enough of living ashamed

Good for you Maddie, there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to being a girl, you are a girl, end of story, live it, own it.

Hugs

Cyndi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on February 04, 2020, 08:54:05 am
Enough of living ashamed

Amen, Maddie, amen. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 04, 2020, 08:59:27 am
Choosing change towards positivity.
Cultivating grace and positive presence.
Trying to get a clue how my simply being physically present affects others, because clearly I'm on a different groove and this rubs people wrong. 
This is separate/additional from the trans issue. At least in my case it is. I can't help it if that's not your experience.
Needing to form a more conforming personality so that I can find some acceptance here on this forum, and out at the bustop market workplace.

I felt like I had no value, and this evil lie was confirmed and embraced by those closest to me.
Perpetual self-fueling negative trap.

Cultivating sense of value
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 04, 2020, 09:05:19 am
Cultivating sense of value

Nice seeds to be planting this time of year in the garden !

Hugs

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 04, 2020, 09:57:13 am
Choosing to be positive is always a good move. It lifts the spirit in times of adversity.

Hugs, Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 04, 2020, 11:04:45 am
Choosing change towards positivity.
Cultivating grace and positive presence.
Trying to get a clue how my simply being physically present affects others, because clearly I'm on a different groove and this rubs people wrong. 
This is separate/additional from the trans issue. At least in my case it is. I can't help it if that's not your experience.
Needing to form a more conforming personality so that I can find some acceptance here on this forum, and out at the bustop market workplace.

I felt like I had no value, and this evil lie was confirmed and embraced by those closest to me.
Perpetual self-fueling negative trap.

Cultivating sense of value
Changing towards positivity
Getting a clue
Forming a more conforming personality

Sorry.
These differences in phrasing are not yet drilled in.

Drill....drill...drill...
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 05, 2020, 12:13:42 pm
Focusing on telephone voice and kind manner.
Noticing improvement in direction calls take when I drench my tone with soft sweetness
Even helped a lady laugh and warm up after initially sounding tired and very skeptical of my presentation (that call was dealing with gender change snag)
Trying to spread joy even if not feeling it.
This is not me and I welcome it
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 05, 2020, 01:16:11 pm
Focusing on telephone voice and kind manner.

Good for you Maddie, it feels great to be heard in the feminine, even better when it's confirmed in language  :)

A 220 is a nice middle note to sing song around  :D

(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/0/13954-050220131327.jpeg)

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 05, 2020, 01:54:04 pm
Hi Cyndi! Thanks for the chart.  This is a measurable thing.  Tools analyze pitch. Can be done.

What is resounding me this week is something posted on the forum.  She actually has "kind manner" literally spelled out on every post. 
Rubbing off?
Brainwash carbon copy.
Ok.

Rebuild.

Time to go bite somebody's head off
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 05, 2020, 02:09:14 pm
Hi Cyndi! Thanks for the chart.  This is a measurable thing.  Tools analyze pitch. Can be done.

What is resounding me this week is something posted on the forum.  She actually has "kind manner" literally spelled out on every post. 
Rubbing off?
Brainwash carbon copy.
Ok.

Rebuild.


I think I know who you are referring to  :D That's funny  ;D It's affected your mind (at least what you type here  :D)

Being kind is contagious, good girls said  ;) Immersing one's self in the feminine context, helps when you are composing words and phrases.

Good stuff Maddie, and yes a musical note and resonance, do go along way "on the phone"

Have a nice day  :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 07, 2020, 01:50:39 am
Sweet cream honey butter is what I am going for.

So many things possible to improve, like voice and posture (I hunch)

Today was gendered as female after being introduced as male while me smiling and saying nothing.

Smiling at and mentally kissing people who call me things like she or ma'am. 
I will smile and say nothing when repeatedly referred to as he, no matter why they're doing it.
I do not choose to be an easy offended persona going forward..
Sometimes resentment bubbles up inside, feeding violent fantasies
I channel and expunge this energy during times of solo exercise.

Making brain and self look at surgery photos and descriptions.
Taking in only small doses of this subject matter, and so keeping both open.
Detach brain from self
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on February 07, 2020, 05:11:57 am
Don't think I will ever get ma'am on the phone, must make more effort. Hopefully will be seeing  a voice coach soon. Nice when stuff like this happens , keep it up XXX
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on February 07, 2020, 06:05:50 am
Maddie,

Congrats on the correct gendering.  That sounds pretty awesome, and you are pretty awesome dear.  Sounds like you're working on what needs work and going in the right direction.  Hope the wind stays at your back.  And keep working out.  Sweat is kind of a miracle drug in its own way.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 07, 2020, 06:53:12 am

Smiling at and mentally kissing people who call me things like she or ma'am. 


Nice feeling when the words are right coming your way  :)

A tune for the garden, that says it well "I get a little bit closer"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khrx-zrG460




Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 07, 2020, 07:59:35 pm
Sorry about this vomit post.  Everytime i written this out before , I erased it.  But it's erupting if you care to know

Started in and out of county mental health in 1984 with thorazine injections that were forced and I could not refuse. . Also haldol, navane, serentil, blablabla like 50 others. I intended to get off these sooner but it ended up taking 25 years

After I hit obstacles in life and work as young adult in early 1990s i opened up to county drs and social workers, and everybody I thought might be able to help. I was told i was "this" (don't remember anymore what is was called before gender dysphoria or transgender because I guess I wasn't listening) , but there was no direction, just medication management to keep me from hurting myself or others..

1992 Came out to and entered into my first relationship with a more experienced woman and learned things about sex drugs punk rocknroll, even trans things (from her skewed point of view).  I dressed in skirts daily and was a size 4.  Was a driver paid by escort agency, and wished I had value like the girls did. They would divide up the proceeds in my apt and on occasion steal my car and stuff.   I was too scared or maybe I'd have gotten paid more myself.  But you see, I had issues about my sexuality...

She killed herself on my golden birthday in 1994.  Somehow kept going with meds and endless all-night band gigs in bars. I never drank one drop of beer or booze. Not even when she died and the detectives made a half-hearted attempt to put it on me.

Was actually counseled in 1999 by the founder of the first trans program in my state. 5 minutes into our first appt she pulled out a vibrator and a big dialator to show me.  I had a case manager at that time, and he nixed this, so for the next decade he only let me go to psychiatrist appts with him where I actually just had to sit in the waiting room while they talked in drs office about who knows what.
 I finally kicked all meds 2011ish when the clinic closed, the case mgmnt co shut down, and both psychiatrist and case mgr retired all in the same year.

Now I've been transitioning consistently for 5 years and feel like such a loser here and in the world.
In 2015 I came out (again) to my first circle of people, started electro, haunting this forum and reneereyes
2016 re entered counseling,  started and stopped HRT, and it hit home how far behind I was with financials compared to what it'd take.
2017-2018 dove into business so deep barely time for laser and electro, no time for internet except for work emails. Crossdressed to varying degrees in 48 US states, when I wasn't performing several times a day as a Johnny Cash tribute at retirement communities

Inner conflicts with trying to be that sales persona, plus a couple of well-timed car accidents, took me off the road a year ago.
Found a new better counselor, and started posting more here on Susan's place.Got back on HRT with the same Dr as before, and have changed my name and legalities (mostly done, still problems with passport.

All the supportive friends from my real life are gone now and it's my fault because I don't want people to see the old me anymore.   I have new friends that will actually spend time with me, but are actually  way less supportive than the token-support friends i used to have. They won't acknowledge me as female despite never knowing me any other way. I met them as Maddie in skirt stuffed bra and makeup, squeaking like a fool.  But it's "okay man, whatever dude"..
I gratefully live in a subsidized apt in a very small town. One of the benefits I have from the long previous mental health history, otherwise I'd be relatively too young to live here.  . I am grateful, but this is a trap and hole too.

Moving forward i think i need to relocate and /or work my way out of a $ hole. Now I work part-time at a store, and trade work for electro.
Other than moving furniture (was not a driver), the only thing I've employed to any success is singing/playing. I'm somewhere over 5000 gigs and even self released music the first few years off the meds.

Measurable milestones of progress, esp the past 6 months, but it's gonna take so much more to not feel like a complete loser on this forum.

If anyone is still reading and cares, you are an angel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on February 07, 2020, 09:50:42 pm
Maddie, I’m no angel, but I read it and I care. If I were as in touch with my emotions as I should be, I’d be crying. You’ve been dealt horrible cards, and you’ve played them well. People end up dead, in prison, addicted. You’re pulling your life together instead. The last thing you are is a loser. You keep moving ahead girl. You are going to get there.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 07, 2020, 09:57:32 pm
Didn't mention one of the biggest steps for me the past six months.
Got hair transplants to the front of my forehead.
Anyone looking at my photo probably think wth why they need that?
I'm very lucky in that Dept. Was it a big foolish mistake?
I don't think so.  I sold my car for this and placed as top priority now because I saw it as open window and you never know when they'll close.  Cost way more than I thought, but was decided, went ahead, no regrets.
Had read somewhere that in some cases lowering the hairline with transplants could make some FFS unnecessary and I guess I was hoping for that. Bangs not so  good with my hair
Maybe the experience is helping start prepare me for medical procedures to come.

My heart hurts to know that others here have had it so worse than me.
Or were born too early or couldn't look at this or talk about it ever.
Never had the chance I do

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 07, 2020, 10:04:13 pm
You're right Randi, and thank you.
I throw the word loser at myself when I compare my past or present situation to others' social media portrayal.
And maybe to make excuse for times when I am weak or undecided. Or just plain lazy
But I never did hard time.
Just county.  And Ive seen the tracks across the lives of some close to me who are gone.
Especially as transwoman i want to keep swimming on top of the water where I can breathe
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 08, 2020, 06:53:17 am
I throw the word loser at myself when I compare my past or present situation to others' social media portrayal.

Don't do that, it can make you feel awful for no good reason.

The last 6 months in your life, quite significant, keep moving ahead....

Anyway good morning, I read your post, and that was then, this is now,

Hugs and forward thinking (always)

Cyndi -

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on February 08, 2020, 07:40:10 am
Yeah please don't call yourself a looser because you aren't
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 08, 2020, 08:31:37 am
Ok I won't. And I'm not. All better.

"Then" is the past.  Easy to look back at the struggle because it is defined and clearer in 25/40 hindsight.

The future is a steep mountain climb to a summit that is the base of of another mountain barely seen.

Today is a blank wall and a window out to empty garden boxes. 
It's up to me what to put up and what to plant.

Not entirely clear.
I will do nothing until the fog lifts.
Otherwise just spinning wheels that go everywhere and nowhere.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on February 09, 2020, 09:05:07 am
Hey Maddie. 

I don't visit Susan's as often as I used to but always make sure to look in on your garden when I'm here. 

You've survived an awful lot of things that would have caused others to give up.

Definitely not a loser.

Your friend,

Tonya



Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 09, 2020, 10:36:53 am
Hello

This garden is turning over a new leaf.

Found a spark reading old buried info threads that reminds me why  I started this new life.

Going back for more digging
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on February 09, 2020, 10:50:08 am
Yes its easy to slip into a rut, planting the same old flowers and veg. Dig down and let the worms aerate the soil . 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 10, 2020, 07:05:09 am
Hello

This garden is turning over a new leaf.

Found a spark reading old buried info threads that reminds me why  I started this new life.

Going back for more digging

Spring is just around the corner  :)

Hope your day is a good one Maddie

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on February 10, 2020, 06:10:32 pm
Hi Maddie,

Sometimes I fall into the trap of comparing myself to others.

When I compare myself to others I always look at a female that is young and beautiful. Her hair or clothing or body or voice. I never envy a guy. I never envy and old or sick person. It is normal to look at our situations and want it to be better.

Well girl, you are on HRT and your sold your car to get hair transplants. You have priorities and you went for it. That is not a loser. That is someone who is taking care of business.

I was thinking, will Medicaid pay for some of the gender related procedures you need?

I bet there are peeps on here reading that you have a lot of hair and now have a full head of hair and are envious of you. There are peeps on here that can not go on HRT for choice or reason. You rock (or country).

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 10, 2020, 07:39:39 pm
Genre flexible.

I take it all back and all gratitude now.
Turning over the ground now and make it right..

Medicaine.
I will look into this and make it happen before it's gone. Was still wrapping up some name change stuff, and getting my head around it.  I assumed I would have to start a new career and put in a few years before I could go forward.  It does not occur to me in the slightest that I would have anyway into operations now. Still feels like if they open the door easier, it's for a sinister reason.  Plenty of sinister all around though. Maybe it is heaven on Earth.

My drummer friend has had like 100 operations since transitioning, although we have discussed none of this ever.. She is over six feet, weighs 120, and I know from being around  that she can only eat a couple bites at a time if you sabbee that. She has lived her life and been loved though, and is definitely someone who saved their life by risking it all
If I went below and they change it, id hesitate to tell her because i know she had regrets about the results of her 1st bottom surgeries.  Or maybe things will look different then.
Nevermind that. Bless her, but nevermind. My life in hands. My hundred operations.

Lists of operations never stop. 
But I started now, haven't I?

Or not? Does it only get real when it's more central body?

People are walking where I need to go to live.  Otherwise no change= slow death.
Not just transition.  We move from physical locations and lifelong people to escape their fate if it is not ours. 
All fate look similiar in the end.  Poor kids never had a chance, happy lovers, and a hundred year old millionaire.

I am thriving because I have turned away and walked change. Other people cannot for different reasons. 
Should I not post how I feel because they can't have it done?
There's no guarantee for me or anyone.
Windows close.  Find my window now.

Will keep others feelings in mind in my posting and iin person interactions.
Sounds easy, but I have much to learn about this. 
True learning is by mistakes. 
How many mistakes to overcome? 70x70?  More.

Thank you ladies gents and other people for so much support.
Surprised at taking interest in a wallowing sloth relative.
I am worthy of your interest. 
Heaven on earth for your life and love.

Dig dig dig
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 10, 2020, 09:33:03 pm
No matter where you go there you are

Avoid the future. If you live, you will be there too.

You walk into a laughing happy room. Goes quiet and everyone leaves.
You wish you could ditch yourself too.

See? It's not just about me
It's about you too
What are you gonna do about it
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 10, 2020, 09:55:28 pm
Must not want it bad enough

Noone for tea?

Pretty snow

Lips tomorrow

Will go that far
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on February 11, 2020, 06:56:52 am
I met a girl that sang the blues

I asked her for some happy news

But she just smiled and turned away.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on February 11, 2020, 08:29:27 am
You have a very unique perspective Maddie, as it should be.  Found a poem that seems a little bit applicable (though I'm white as snow).

“I look at the world” by Langston Hughes

I look at the world
From awakening eyes in a black face—
And this is what I see:
This fenced-off narrow space
Assigned to me.

I look then at the silly walls
Through dark eyes in a dark face—
And this is what I know:
That all these walls oppression builds
Will have to go!

I look at my own body
With eyes no longer blind—
And I see that my own hands can make
The world that’s in my mind.
Then let us hurry, comrades,
The road to find.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 12, 2020, 12:21:07 pm
It is snow white around here, and expecting more tonight.

Thank you so much ladies for sharing poetry here.  Things felt better just from reading and the sentiment.  Just what the doctor ordered...

...speaking of which, I'm still waiting to hear back from my prescribing Endo.  But today the nurse at the local clinic showed me my lab results from what they drew last week.  If anything, my E appears very high, especially considering it was drawn when it should have been lowest. 
My weekly distress has been compounded by thinking the problem was my body not accepting E. Or that my thoughts and feelings were unrelated to the hrt, and just hopelessly lost in the matrix.again.  Instead it has been suggested by a friend that it could be a spike that I'm feeling in days 2-3.  If this is whats sending me back into hopelessland, then it is understandable. I'm far less worried now.  It's as if my reality today  is opposite what I thought it was. Probably more rough times soon, at least this makes some sense!

Recieved a nice pat on the back at nurse exam for losing weight.  I show dramatic improvement in all kinds of levels they measure for since last year's exam  She showed me how to check my breasts 1/month.

I am so very grateful to be healthy.  And that I'm not alone here.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 12, 2020, 12:25:24 pm

Recieved a nice pat on the back at nurse exam for losing weight.  I show dramatic improvement in all kinds of levels they measure for since last year's exam  She showed me how to check my breasts 1/month.

I am so very grateful to be healthy.  And that I'm not alone here.

Nice on the weight loss Maddie  :) The exercise you mention is paying dividends and will long into the future. I can say this as I come back from my 5 miles  :)

Hoping for steady state for you, the body adjusting to HRT is quite the process.

Best

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 12, 2020, 07:50:54 pm
Maddie I love your avatar photo.  That smile is infectious! 

Good news on the weight loss! 

Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on February 13, 2020, 04:41:36 am
Loving the new pic, good news on the progress . Now if I could just find the time and energy to exercise-----------
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on February 13, 2020, 07:30:49 am
Congratulations on the weight loss and the new pic looks great.  Stay warm today. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on February 13, 2020, 07:37:23 am
You look great congratulations on the weight loss.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 16, 2020, 05:47:16 pm
Thank you for recent compliments.

Happier than ever, except it's pretty much fantasyland

Wondering what I've all done wrong so far with HRT.
I spent tons of time mulling and thinking it over before starting.  But what was I even thinking about?  Still have no plan for some very major things.  When the Endo appt finally came I just went for it.
Didn't research on my own enough.  Too much conflicting info out there, so I put all faith in the Dr where I was covered

Before starting asked Dr about banking sperm as I have no kids.
Endo told me plenty of time for that at least six months before I had to worry about that.
Not true.  Inquired at a place last fall, but apparently it was too late even if I stopped.
This nags at me sometimes, like I made stupid mistake. Had to vent it here.

Pretty sure if I was supposed to have kids this would have happened already, but never close.
I thought it was all the years of meds maybe. 
I'm ok with cats and occasional people  more helpless than myself, who need tending.

I have a special capacity to mull things over forever without really identifying or understanding them.
Have taken action steps instead of thinking and dreaming procrastinatorily.

I know this doesn't go away.
Estradiol cloud fool me not.
Lazy dream can't contain my soul.

Even with a good woman, love for me (and her) is an illusion, a delusion smokescreen and I end up back in despair later or sooner.  I'm open minded about being with a man in the future, but wasn't ever before, and I think I would want to have a full depth vagina to do so.  I don't think I'm a gay man in denial.  Although anything's possible in this maze of mull.
I have experienced much bad feelings wanting to be the "woman" in sex.  And interpersonally. Whatever that means to me.

When I avoid sex altogether it buys me cloud time. 
For years.  I have hobbies ;)

Surgery trauma prospects =younger the better. Less old anyway, aka sooner the better if healthy.

Or can I ride the cloud forever and just kind of exist as I am now?  Pre op. Non op

 Heart saying that my longer lifeline is the one with breaks and journey ahead.

Noone lives forever.  I get to live once and this is now..  Can I please do this right?

Sex change. G.e.n.d.e.r. reassiging conformative s.u.r.g.e.r.y. 
Risk it all.  Safe no more. 
Sacrifice life and health to live different. Hopeful and striveful for better.
Faith.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 16, 2020, 08:06:05 pm
I am joyous with music and my life today.
Music is a distraction from other things tho.
Working with a voice app sends me other places
Neighbors probably tired of that tune by now  ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 16, 2020, 08:30:13 pm
I am joyous with music and my life today.

Me too  :) I've been listening, it's good for the soul, and played some too (taught myself a few new tunes).

Nice on your voice work Maddie, pay you back in life.... :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 18, 2020, 07:25:24 am
Good morning. 
Finishing up reading to get started.
Blowing hard outside at the moment.
Have decided it will be a good positive attitude day
Yours too
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on February 18, 2020, 08:07:17 am
Hi Maddie,

Great to hear that you're feeling upbeat.  That garden is pushing up some beautiful stuff.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on February 18, 2020, 08:11:22 am
Good morning Maddie
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 18, 2020, 10:31:21 am
Cheers Maddie!  I hope your day is all you wish.

Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 19, 2020, 12:55:03 am
3 keys to my interpersonal transformation

Good posture
Auto facial expression somewhat friendlier than neutral.
Find my voice

I think I need to be real to be effective..  Practicing these baseline resets to composure back to when live situations throw curves at me.  And to try to slip back into when  I revert into old habits, expressions,  and voices that have not worked.
All 3 are critical, transitioning or not.

This works just starting, girl :)



Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 19, 2020, 09:20:57 am
This is very good advice for all of us Maddie.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 19, 2020, 09:25:47 am
This is very good advice for all of us Maddie.

agreed, women make more eye contact, deep connections emotionally, you speak with your eyes  :)

Have a lovely day

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on February 19, 2020, 09:27:39 am
carry on weeding dear, show those blooms off!!!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 19, 2020, 11:13:01 pm
3 keys to my interpersonal transformation

Good posture
Auto facial expression somewhat friendlier than neutral.
Find my voice

I think I need to be real to be effective..  Practicing these baseline resets to composure back to when live situations throw curves at me.  And to try to slip back into when  I revert into old habits, expressions,  and voices that have not worked.
All 3 are critical, transitioning or not.

This works just starting, girl :)

Work in progress.

With a group of guys tonight who I see regularly.  Wide age range.  None of them knew my old name or life. Yet I struggle earning my gender with them. .  No matter.  This is the challenge.  Some may say guys don't matter, only women do.  I do not agree.  In any case, I have to do alot of speaking and interacting in this situation, so it's impossible (at this point of my transition) to be anything but automatic in manner.
 = Pass not, (though not a failure,  due to high difficulty)

When I lost my center,  I reached for my three keys...and they were nowhere to be found. :(
 Confidence way down.  Slumpy.  Averted eye contact.  Expression distant.  Voice = forgot where to find it

Where are my darn keys??

Need to tweak my reset and the slipback.

One guy asked where my red hair went from last week ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 20, 2020, 07:38:29 am
Good Morning Ms Maddie, it's hard when visiting the planet Mars. Communication styles different, different words, different expressions, different vibe completely, and tempting to replicate to try and reach. When I lived in between worlds, it was hard and leads to lots of soul searching.

Hugs

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 20, 2020, 08:07:48 am
Roger that
Thank you Houston,... I mean Cyndi ;)

I am frequenting planets currently available to me.  It's nice to be back around live sentients, making yet another start.

My previous landings on Venus have turned out to be people wanting my Mars bar, or those thinking I can somehow advance music aspirations they have not otherwise worked towards. If I don't fulfill these things, I am happily ejected back into Madd-space.

Keeping my scanners on full scan  for intelligent life.  Slowly acclimating, and making self changes conducive to interacting with other life forms when found.

Meanwhile, will continue to work with my current martians on this
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 20, 2020, 09:05:45 am
Yes I agree with Cyndi, these places are so different.  And as you have noted Ms. Maddie the inhabitants want different things from us, so confusing!  Keep the full array of your scanner open and you will find that place of Nirvana (or whatever genre you're looking for).  I believe the keys you possess are your best tools.  Hold them close.

Hugs, Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on February 20, 2020, 07:50:52 pm
Hi Maddie,

I think talking to guys can be fun. Where is your red hair? Smile, and say I have to keep it interesting. If you are interested in him then, I have to keep it interesting for you. Then, how do you like my hair tonight, with a slight grin. Maybe he was giving you an opening. You could ask which color do you like better?

Sorry your doc did not know about the sperm and spiro issue. He really should know this. That really is bad information on his part.

Sexuality, I am still trying to figure that out. I think it is pretty solid heterosexual but it can sway a little. I no longer give it a thought if I sway.

GCS, it is normal to have concerns about the pain, dilation, recovery and complications. I never gave the need a second thought.

Spring is coming.
Rachel
 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 21, 2020, 12:53:50 am
He is my favorite guy of the bunch.  And we are the same age.  I was carrying something heavy so I walked slow falling behind him and made it look real heavy.  Trying to see if he'd offer to help me lol.  He did wait and hold the door for me :). 

 "Smile and say, I have to keep it interesting"... Ok, sounds good. Will try it!

My doctor for HRT is a pretty, smaller, younger female.  Trans not her specialty.  She may be more consensual than informed,- its as if I can dictate my own HRT.  Seems up to me when I ask her anything.
I am not on Spiro, or any blocker. Just E right now.  Do you know if this makes a difference in this case?

I was always hetero with females, but would run into walls with it, being who/what I was.  Its been more than a couple years since I stepped away from the wall, but recently have had feelings towards the last woman I was with. Having feelings again is nice and didn't come on until HRT.  It is different than before.

Looking back, starting to see always attracted to guys too, just not explicitly or consciously.  Self acceptance and E are bringing this out and opening my mind, thinking about it more...

No second thought for your need for GCS?  Not my case.
On that matter, I don't hate the stuff I have, I'm just not really wired for the role.
Hey, but I'm not really a guitar player either, but still have played 1000s of gigs on them...

My second thoughts tend towards convincing myself  by rationalizing that I can ride out the rest of my life alone and untouched because I've spent so much time self- imposed that way that I'm accustomed to it.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 21, 2020, 09:02:13 am
On this "I am not on Spiro, or any blocker. Just E right now.  Do you know if this makes a difference in this case?"  A friend and someone else I met at a support group went this route and they had a really high dosage to naturally counteract the T in their system.  Their doctor's philosophy was blockers were not needed if the level of E was high.  Admittedly their bodies agreed with this and they had good success in development.

You may find your desire or need for GCS may change as you move through this journey.  The argument for is that you never know when you might have a change of heart about relationships and it would be much more comfortable without the hardware.  Of course we're all different and this is something we all look at through our own lens.

Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 21, 2020, 09:05:44 am
Just my .02 not a Dr, high levels of blood E (above female normal levels) in my mind equate to elevated risks of blood clots. For myself I was prescribed a baby aspirin, and tolerate it well.....

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on February 21, 2020, 10:06:56 am
If possible I might look for alternative resources ie doctors that are more familiar with trans issues. It is easy for me to say as I am in Canada, my doctor hooked me up with an endo and we operate under his guidelines. My doctor is great but she just has no idea of how to deal with a trans person.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 21, 2020, 10:15:27 am
I like my Dr too.  She seems to like helping me, but she's in a bind, almost like she is not allowed to guide me.  This clinic is the only one I am covered at that could take me when I searched my state before.  Now that the state doesn't require referral letters it might be easier to find somewhere else.  Asked a couple places that were recommended, but not able to afford there.  Don't know.  I can barely get to my dumb part time job on time, much less plan and execute in a way that successful transitioners I read live their livrs.

My scrip label reads close to $500 for one med, and o am so lucky that it only costs me a few bucks.  Now that I'm on HRT I'm scared to do anything to shake it up and stop it.  I know why people kill themselves and it has even been done to me and thought I was immune but might not be.  I'm good though!!!!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 21, 2020, 10:21:26 am
No suicide by cop here.
Call off the dogs.  I like animals and don't want them in pain

No worries.  I can hang on in hover space I am strong
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 21, 2020, 11:00:19 am
Putting out in the universe.  Please give my Dr the info to help me so that when everybody tells me to ask my Dr I can have help in this critical time of my transitioning development. 
Yes development. Cause one life. Look to it here.

I don't deserve it.  But all those worthy of this are dead. So why not me?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 21, 2020, 01:34:47 pm
Ok. Reading and watching more.
Still confused.  Like when I read or learn something it pushes two other things out.

Need to figure out where to move near knowledgeable care for this stage (still first year) of hrt.

I searched the US in my car doing my business for several years, and noplace called me home.  The town I'm in is not home. Cannot get anywhere without first getting somewhere.  And I can't seem to get anywhere here in this town

Sometimes I read posts that talk about doctors and counselors steering people on paths of successful development.  When I try to collect these posted facts, they are gone. My counselor helped me with name change, but it was the same transequality site I had rrad earlier, but didn't trust myself that I had found the right info in the endless corrupted sea black hole trap set to kill me slow. Other than that, he would mostly repeat things I said back to me
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 21, 2020, 02:04:00 pm
Sorry.

I try to support and help when I can to try make up for it.

The transequality site must've been referred to me  ten times before I followed o.

All the best info is useless of I cannot bring myself to trust the source.  Not trusty
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 21, 2020, 02:11:59 pm
Spring is coming
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on February 21, 2020, 02:35:41 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
               (https://i.imgur.com/57EUVGK.jpg)
HUGS and best wishes always....
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 21, 2020, 05:43:18 pm
Dear Maddie, I hear that you are struggling a bit and that your current level of care is good but could be better.  Its a shame when doctors don't know enough about a subject and don't seem to do anything to educate themselves.  I get it, they are overwhelmed at times and may even have internal prejudices.  All you want is the best care you can get.  Its not too much to ask IMO.

I also understand about trusting sources when you have to do the research yourself.  There is a lot of junk floating around out there posing as good data.  Its hard and I don't envy you but I do admire your attitude. 

As to moving, that is a tough one also.  It would be for me, for others maybe not so hard.  The location needs to speak to me and welcome me, all without me being there for an extended amount of time to try out since time is money and money can be scarce.  What are you looking for in a place to live?  Decent weather, access to employment, healthcare, maybe an active music scene?  What is holding you to where you are now?  All questions to think about.  I'm available to talk to as are other friends you have here.  No one person has all the answers.
Hugs, Judi

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on February 21, 2020, 05:52:15 pm
Hugs Maddie I am wishing you strength and happiness.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on February 21, 2020, 07:38:33 pm
Hi Maddie,

PM me your e-mail and we can communicate off Susan's.

Usually hormones are ramped up over time. You do not want to cause sudden hormone changes. Please seek out competent medical hormone supervision. Planned parenthood may be one place that may help. If there is a LGBT center and or a trans group they will know where we are welcomed.

I go to Mazzoni in Philadelphia and they have issues as they do not test for E. I had it tested and I was very high. I go to Dr. McGinn for my HRT now and I am stable and safe. In general a transitioning dose is 400 pg/ml E. After 4 years on E and post op your E can be lowered to 200 pg/ml. There are factors that influence dosing such as age and health and past medical history.

Not all E is equal. Pills have a short life in the blood. So it is important to know when you take the pills and how long it is from pill taking and the blood test. Also swallowing the pill or doing sublingual is important to know too. There are charts to look up the E curve for pills.

If on pills and prescribed 2 or 3 pills it is best to split the dose over the day. If IM or subQ or cream or patches there are different E levels over time.

I have taken cream, pills, subQ and IM. I like the cream heaps. I am very stable on the cream. Stability is really important in my needs.

T is very controversial in community. You need between 40 to 80 ng/dl long term post op as per my doctor. I was at 0 for years and in community T as looked at as evil. We would discuss all things HRT at the meetings pre and post group. There is so much <not allowed> spread around it is not funny. Do not listen to the stuff in community. Listen to a competent doctor. Perhaps an endo is best.

I negotiated my hormone levels with Dr. McGinn. I lift 3 times a week, have fantastic body metrics and eat kito 100% of the time and eat in a 6 hour daily window. My BMI is 23 but I have a lot of muscle which was not taken into account for the BMI. I am 57 and post op. My blood results and the above factors all play into the HRT. Also, Dr. McGinn knows my heart is in fantastic condition as tested in the ICU post GCS. I do not drink alcohol, smoke or do drugs or THC. I eat super healthy.

With proper E and T blood tests, history and habits a doctor can prescribe your HRT. You can not just take a prescriptive dose. Young peeps are different than older peeps.  Also, mental stability is also important information.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 22, 2020, 12:43:18 am
Hugs back so much

Thank you  I am raining again.  Feeling like a little brat.
Lucky that people care to dare.  Sorry when I wear you thin.

I dose then I feel all girly for a night and I'm flying high about things
Start reading and planning and scheming to make this all happen.
Hardly get started then see something unclear that isn't right or I'm not ready for, and it all comes crashing down spinning.  One direction, then another.  Need to focus more and steady the wheel with both hands and eyes.

Mad at myself for or being such an waffle still tapping January syrup in February.
Why didn't I plan BEFORE starting?... Or did I...?  Don't know... It's kind of like a reformatting.

Today was my only siblings birthday and he won't talk to me.  He didn't before I started being open either.  It's like he just don't talk to people. 
Pretty sure its not about me but who knows.  I think he's in Pennsylvania.
As long as there is life there is hope!!!   Things could be worse, biut let's not make it go there.
Miss you little bro

Also missing my downstairs friend who always called me Miss Maddie.  Maddie and Bobbie.  She never knew the new name I took in court after she passed.  And Dean who slept on the other side of my wall.  First man to ask me out as a girl.  Only one so far actually... My cat was porch friends with his dog.  My cat died, then he killed his dog then himself last year. Terrible.
There is nothing holding me where I live. 

Better get out before there is.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on February 22, 2020, 07:34:34 am
Hey Maddie

Sorry to hear you've had some rough days.

Your cat died?  Your fuzzy slippers? The one you wete shopping for when we met?  I'm so sorry. 



Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 22, 2020, 09:00:10 am
Hey girl. Thank you. 
And anyone reading through this, posting or not.  Grateful for your loving energy, but not trying to suck it away from your life!!  I have respect.

Nope just mentioning my Freddy cat who died last year.
My Cheeto cat slipper is still with me, and we are so close now.  He comes up and visits my face too:)

Was just thinking how sad it is in this building, especially outside my own apartment walls.
And that the deaths close to me here in the past year +half are good reasons to accelerate my relocation manifestation.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 22, 2020, 09:07:19 am

My Cheeto cat slipper is still with me, and we are so close now.  He comes up and visits my face too:)


Nice to read, you had us worried  :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on February 22, 2020, 08:41:25 pm


Hey girl. Thank you. 
And anyone reading through this, posting or not.  Grateful for your loving energy, but not trying to suck it away from your life!!  I have respect.

Nope just mentioning my Freddy cat who died last year.
My Cheeto cat slipper is still with me, and we are so close now.  He comes up and visits my face too:)

Was just thinking how sad it is in this building, especially outside my own apartment walls.
And that the deaths close to me here in the past year +half are good reasons to accelerate my relocation manifestation.

Glad to hear Cheeto is ok.  Didn't realize you had another.  Still sorry about Freddy though. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 23, 2020, 08:48:13 am
Sorry for causing worry about my cat.
When I write long posts they can be unclear.  I did say it was last year, so was not trying to create drama attention for losing him.  Just another thing that came to mind.  Judi asked what was tying me to where I live, and that cat came up when I was thinking through the counseling group that had led me to move here,  and neighbors I hung around with here who are now gone.  Freddy did live with me close to 15 years (his pics were on this forum in the past) so I still appreciate the kind thoughts.

My electro is still here, just a half hour away.  We have arrangement that I can barter work for electro sometimes.  She has spent many hours working on me and I think wants to accomplish clearing my face.
There is a dentist near her that takes cash to numb me when we do my lip area once/month.  This has helped working on that region considerably for me.  Many other dentists refused to do this, so feel lucky to have this combo of cash numbing next to electro who takes my work as barter.
 
So I consider my electro and this dentist to be things tying me here to the area.  My upper&lower lips have been cleared about 18 times.  No end in sight, though it is sparser there.  Cheeks have been very clear for some time:)

There are others..  Like Verna, who's 91 and shares her birthday with mine.  Not real close, but she has been accepting and supportive of me from the start when I first moved here, and I was wearing sweaty makeup and dresses all the time. 
Peeping Tom neighbor still around too...
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 23, 2020, 10:19:19 am
I'm sorry to have caused you to bring up past memories but it seems you have taken stock of why you're where you are and the rationale is good.  Keep moving forward dear. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 24, 2020, 06:50:13 am
My upper&lower lips have been cleared about 18 times.  No end in sight, though it is sparser there.  Cheeks have been very clear for some time:)


it's so hard in those areas ! Good that you can take advantage of "local numbing". I had those sites treated with only a  lidocane creme, I could only last 20 minutes before she had to move on to other areas, so it took a really long time to clear.

Hope your day is a good one Maddie  :)

Cyndi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 24, 2020, 08:36:21 am
That was how we did it too, before finding the dentist. Lidocaine and ice.  I started being able to do it, for a while before she'd have to move to other areas.  I'd be holding ice on my face while she's move around.  I focus hard on exhaling when there is no numbing.
If I squirmed or asked her to move,  she'd say, "if only there was still a dentist that would numb it cheap...". 
Not being strong enough for all this apparently,  all I could think was must find a dentist...  At some point I stopped letting her do lips and  just worked on cheeks and chin until I found one, and it ended up being a new guy down the street from her electro office.
My electro has worked all over the body including lower areas, but won't for me because I am a man  :(  I never asked her about this, she just put it out there early on.  We know each other more since she said that though.

I can choose to believe that I am not as strong as people who have transitioned,  or I can look at what I have accomplished and stuck through.  I am not anyone else here, I am me.  I've been copping out and dropping out my entire life.  And allowing myself to believe others when they define me as unacceptable unsuitable unenlistable unadmittable.  Conversely, I have also been told by people who know me that I'm the strongest person they know (and not because of trans stuff), so I can choose to believe that too!
 
In my local tiny world,  I'm the only mtf from the now defunct  trans support group who was out at all publically.  Not just around here, but in areas I am from and was established too.  I employ burned bridge tactics in an attempt to destroy my retreat.
We were all referred to this electro.  Don't know for sure, but think I'm the only one of that group still going at it. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 24, 2020, 08:48:48 am

My electro has worked all over the body including lower areas

Just so you know there are surgeons that don't require this, so many stories of others having to endure this electro downstairs, it's avoidable, not a requirement. I count my lucky stars, I never had any electro down there, and I am fine.

My impressions over the years of communicating with 1000's of transwomen is, those that do electro to clear the face, are those that are truly serious about living full time, I mean covering beard shadow and trying to live full time is hard (been there in the interim period) and hellish. Those that complete facial hair removal separate the girls from the women (imho)

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on February 24, 2020, 08:49:43 am
Well, pain tolerance is not a great measure of strength.  Lots of strong people don't like having deeply rooted hairs plucked from around their mouth.  *I* think you should choose to believe "Maddie is strong" cuz you are hun. Weak people aren't carrying the weight you're lugging around successfully.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 24, 2020, 08:53:43 am
Well, pain tolerance is not a great measure of strength.  Lots of strong people don't like having deeply rooted hairs plucked from around their mouth.  *I* think you should choose to believe "Maddie is strong" cuz you are hun. Weak people aren't carrying the weight you're lugging around successfully.
Just so you know there are surgeons that don't require this, so many stories of others having to endure this electro downstairs, it's avoidable, not a requirement. I count my lucky stars, I never had any electro down there, and I am fine.

My impressions over the years of communicating with 1000's of transwomen is, those that do electro to clear the face, are those that are truly serious about living full time, I mean covering beard shadow and trying to live full time is hard (been there in the interim period) and hellish. Those that complete facial hair removal separate the girls from the women (imho)

C

I love you women. 
Feeling strong and ready to take on today. 
Strength and beauty  to your todays
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 24, 2020, 09:56:24 am
Randi is correct in saying strength is not about pain tolerance.  Living life on one's own terms has a lot to be be said for it. Bucking trends and being true to one's self is strength.  I've read enough to know what side of the ledger you are on!
Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on February 24, 2020, 11:02:04 am
I really do think that you are stronger then you think Maddie feel well today.

                                                             Julie
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 27, 2020, 11:43:29 pm
Time to get wise
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 28, 2020, 09:29:29 am
Flashback

Rented apartment in an old inner city house for close to 15 years.  Not a great place, but central located and cheapest rent I could find.  I was afraid it was an unhealthy firetrap. Actually it was 2 blocks from the Miller/coors brewery where a mass shooting occured this week

Neighbors upstairs were brothers Burt and Ernie (surprisingly close to their actual names)
Burt was one of these guys that claimed to have been a Marine corps sniper and noone believed him
Ernie was a closet crossdresser with a real manly swagger.  Both alcoholics.

Effectively I was closet crossdresser too, although I had  been confessing my womanness to mental health people all my life.  Maybe Ernie had too..
Never discussed it with these neighbors. Both of whom put on solid macho front. 
My fiancee for much of this time had her own issues and I was trying to be the solid working guy for us.
Putting up fronts of my own.  It seems like people in some areas are good at seeing through a closet sissy, and I was afraid of what I was perceived by groups of these young men around the neighbor  hood

Their pipes upstairs broke one day and my place was flooded with black water.  Lost most of my stuff that I didn't need to survive anyway, and pushed me out of that city in 2013.  Thank God for the push!!

Went back to old neighborhood after coming out a couple years later and learned Ernie had just come out as mtf trans too, changed her name, and moved in with different neighbor guy Jimmy.  Did not pass in the slightest.
I was simultaneously happy for them, and happy not to be them.
The next week Ernie died suddenly. Late 40s.

There is a meaning or lesson in there somewhere.
Please let me know if you see it.

It just is.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 28, 2020, 09:38:40 am
one word in your post stands out "alcoholics"

At my age, I've been around long enough to see many "old" friends succumb. Many were just about that age late 40's early 50's, the liver just gives out...

Life takes many twists and turns. I pretty much gave up on drinking when I transitioned, that's just me.

Survival matters

Have a nice day Maddie

Cyndi -
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on February 28, 2020, 09:56:00 am
What I take from it Maddie is that we're not guaranteed anything.  Not another second, minute, hour, let alone days, weeks, years. I might never send this post because I could keel over from a heart attack while typing. It's true that every breath is a gift.  (Don't get me wrong, I frequently fail to keep that perspective.  But I try.)  It does make you realize the importance of the present.  Because the future *might* not come.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on February 28, 2020, 10:10:52 am
What I see in that is to make the most out of life and try to enjoy everything you do. Death comes for us all and life is always too short.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 28, 2020, 10:53:51 am
one word in your post stands out "alcoholics"

At my age, I've been around long enough to see many "old" friends succumb. Many were just about that age late 40's early 50's, the liver just gives out...

Life takes many twists and turns. I pretty much gave up on drinking when I transitioned, that's just me.

Survival matters

Have a nice day Maddie

Cyndi -
Survival matters

I played non stop bar gigs with older alcoholics and smokers for a long long time without partaking myself.
Many of those friends are long gone too.  Truly sorry for the ones you miss  :(

I started playing out and drinking every day when I was 15.
Lucky noone shot me with junk when I passed out.

To date I have not drank a drop of alcohol since I have been legal adult to do so.  Also quit cigarettes in my 20s, followed by alot of running and swimming.

Literally just went outside and kissed the parking lot in gratitude for decisions I was lucky enough to make over 20 yrs ago.
It was salty.
Did not feel enough gratitude to kiss the cold metal pole.

Love you sisters.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on February 28, 2020, 09:39:15 pm
"Did not feel enough gratitude to kiss the cold metal pole."

Good move as you'd probably still be stuck there!  I guess we do get smarter as we age.  I'm glad to read that you started taking care of yourself at an early age.  Life can throw funny curves at us so its best to be as strong as we can.

Cheers, Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on February 29, 2020, 08:10:01 am
The positive health changes I mentioned were directly due to bring trans, seeing no way to figure it out  (I was asking but unwise and also unready).  And being convinced I was too weak or chicken to succeed at suicide when others could.

Exceptionally lucky, disguised as improbably unlucky and out-of-groove.  Convinced of both.

Seeing and hearing God (or assuming I was) and begging him that I would do things to prolong my life and health,.  Quitting alcohol, smoking , and learning/imprinting daily practice of tai chi chuan (which I first found out about in some new age church basement I was volunteering at as a late teen)
 So,  in case, if life  ever started making sense, I might retain some health and mobility and be born again

My nature is to look for someone else to figure it all out, hold my hand, and guide me.
Then blame that someone else for being wrong or not believe them in the first place.
I am not proud of it.

Time to get wise.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on February 29, 2020, 04:15:16 pm
A cold metal pole you say????

Maddie, you are much better off having chosen to remain clean, sober and smoke free. I think it helps heaps when times get tough and you are clean and sober.

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on February 29, 2020, 05:56:18 pm
I think it helps heaps when times get tough and you are clean and sober.

I agree totally with Rachel above, pays you dividends long into the future.

To a happy and long life Maddie  :)

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 01, 2020, 02:10:20 pm
3 keys to my interpersonal transformation

Good posture
Auto facial expression somewhat friendlier than neutral.
Find my voice

I think I need to be real to be effective..  Practicing these baseline resets to composure back to when live situations throw curves at me.  And to try to slip back into when  I revert into old habits, expressions,  and voices that have not worked.
All 3 are critical, transitioning or not.

This works just starting, girl :)
Who's gonna believe first,... them or me? 

At least inside I know what I am not.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 03, 2020, 11:20:46 am
To anyone who is in Tennessee
Praying you saftey from the terrible tornados that hit.

Thought Randi lived there but incorrect. 
Still hope you're ok in your life storm dear!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on March 04, 2020, 06:55:45 pm
At least inside I know what I am not.

Realism, and honesty with oneself :) Sounds like you are working through things, it does get better with time  :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 05, 2020, 09:32:16 am
Grateful I was broke and scared 20 years ago tho
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on March 05, 2020, 09:42:05 am
Are you familiar with WPATH Standards of Care ? If not you might want to have a look at this....

https://www.wpath.org/publications/soc

There is so much mis information out there, speaking from my experience (everyone is unique) and I am a few years older than you, the changes are subtle and slow to realize. I'll use a metaphor, HRT is like a freight train that slowly builds momentum and keeps building over time. I am still seeing changes Maddie with almost 9 years of HRT, the human body is in a constant state of change, my message to you this morning, give it time, lot's of time, get your blood readings in the correct range for females.

Hope your day is a good one,

Hugs

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on March 05, 2020, 09:54:33 am
I don't know who said you couldn't change the method of delivery.  People do it all the time.  From my perspective getting E into your system is just getting E inside.  How is not that important.  I agree with Cynthia's metaphor.  I also have seen subtle change over the years.  We're not going to see the raging hormone phase and rapid growth of teen years.  Have faith in your body and peace that you made choices that were best for you at the time you made them. 

Hugs, Judi 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on March 05, 2020, 12:20:53 pm
Hugs Sorry you are going through a tough time.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 05, 2020, 09:09:49 pm
Are you familiar with WPATH Standards of Care ? If not you might want to have a look at this....

https://www.wpath.org/publications/soc

There is so much mis information out there, speaking from my experience (everyone is unique) and I am a few years older than you, the changes are subtle and slow to realize. I'll use a metaphor, HRT is like a freight train that slowly builds momentum and keeps building over time. I am still seeing changes Maddie with almost 9 years of HRT, the human body is in a constant state of change, my message to you this morning, give it time, lot's of time, get your blood readings in the correct range for females.

Hope your day is a good one,

Hugs

C
Hugs.
It's my new favorite book.
Thank you so so much.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on March 05, 2020, 09:20:17 pm
You're right about the path Maddie.  There is a lot of two steps forward, one step back and backtracking and circling and just stopping for a rest. Keep following your compass and working on it.  You'll get where you need to be.  Big hugs.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 06, 2020, 07:08:38 am
Big hugs back Randi.

Your words and experiences expressed in your posts have a way of truly relating with "everybone" here.
Glad that includes me.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 07, 2020, 12:00:06 pm
There is not enough time in this garden for the overthinking of things.
I started HRT after long waffling, and did so with faith in God and trust in my provided doctor.
I will meditate and communicate.
Probably need more counseling, but not realistic until I get back on track and move nearer to somebody.
Any Dr working to help trans due to the high suicide rate is gold. 

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on March 07, 2020, 10:12:07 pm
Hi Maddie,

From what I have learned having adequate E and suppressed T is needed for medical transition. I was on pills, IM, SubQ and now cream. I am post op so no more T suppression needed.

I had a monogram recently and I do have breast tissue I did not have at year 2 in my transition. I was flat so I has a BA. Now I have some tissue I did not have when I had the BA, which is nice. It also shows you the tissue can grow over time.

During puberty there is a huge amount of growth hormone to accompany the sex hormones. When we age the growth hormone decreases. There are ways to increase it naturally but it will never be what it was during puberty.

At the gym there are plenty of examples of thin athletic woman with small breasts. I wonder how they feel or if they think about their breast size.

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 07, 2020, 11:13:41 pm
How positive that you have developed more tissue after year 2 and post BA!

Was it important to administer your E in a particular order of methods? (Pills to IM to SubQ to cream?)
Thank you always for sharing what you know.
My T level seems to be running in the 20s.  I don't really want to block it. 

A thin athletic build with small breasts would be a target  pinnacle in my case, and possibly true for many mtf.  Larger breasts may be more affirming, and could become important to me at some point. 
Right now just trying to work the levels right and stay healthy.  Just in case I eventually get my act together and figure this out..

I like feeling smaller and smoother as a person, and percieving subtle changes.  These are comforting.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 09, 2020, 05:43:04 am
If the people I see near me real life are mirrors then I am already dead.

Boo



Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 09, 2020, 10:27:20 am
Monday reboot.

Considerable turnover occuring at my apt building.
I'm not in a position to move myself.
Needing a break from negativity, and now some of that will be leaving soon!
Others' self destruction spills over through walls and floors, and it has been affecting me.

Todays tasks include reaching out to 3 people I know in real life.  With short texts.  See what happens, since I am only an accessory when I match others outfit.  I'm not needed or a favorite.
I will reach out because I need people too.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on March 09, 2020, 10:36:33 am
Hugs. I hope you get decent neighbours.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 09, 2020, 07:35:42 pm
Thanks. Have to wait and see who the cat drags in

In other news, I reached out to 3 people. I think it'd be a good thing to be around people who accept the who I am.  No connection yet with them, but someone else messaged me, and we're going to try and  get together next week!!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on March 09, 2020, 08:11:03 pm
That's good I hope that get together works out for you
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 10, 2020, 04:55:26 am
The full moon affects me. 
It's ok.

Wonder how Kathy's doing right now.

Some of you don't need to wonder very hard.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on March 10, 2020, 10:53:48 am
The full moon affects my sleep pattern.  Has for years.  Not good.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on March 12, 2020, 04:24:02 pm
Thanks. Have to wait and see who the cat drags in

In other news, I reached out to 3 people. I think it'd be a good thing to be around people who accept the who I am.  No connection yet with them, but someone else messaged me, and we're going to try and  get together next week!!
Hello Maddie, Did you hear back from those that you contacted?

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 12, 2020, 07:39:29 pm
Hi Wendi!  So far I heard back from one.  They don't want to see me right now.  But possibly near future.

Looking forward to meeting up with a friend I met in this forum  They have a free night next week

The full moon affects my sleep pattern.  Has for years.  Not good.
Hope you're back to normal Judi.  I'm not yet, somethings still off, but better than Monday night
.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on March 12, 2020, 08:17:30 pm
@Maddie It sounds like you have had some hard times lately and that you have doubted yourself.  But reading just a little of your story, it sounds to me like you are a survivor.  You can make it.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 12, 2020, 10:10:47 pm
Thanks for stopping by with support. 

I truly at no time consider what I am going through hard times.
I can get in my own way and look too far backwards or forwards, but truth is I've never had it so good as I feel now. 
Worried about the worldemic, and stuff that comes up day to day.
Plus its the moon

I've communicated with my doctor, and she is sending orders for new blood labs.  She's actually glad to have someone asking for less hormones.  And my dose was relatively low prior to reducing.
Okay I'm  worried  that my chest is not what I consider sore, maybe a bit sensitive.

I have been workingpart time for a man in the next town.  He and most of the people in my weekly life gender me as male, although they have only known me recently, as in post legal name and gender change.  Nobody cares about that.  You gotta earn it.  Worse part is you got to be convincing to yourself

In my employers case, I think its because he's married and it's just easier for him to be working with a guy when he reports to the real boss..  There's a couple men that are attracted , but clearly see and treat me as a guy. They're lonely and horned.   So my ego soaks up a little of that but don't let it go anywhere off the ground.  I'm still trying to finalize a plan to where this is going.  I have preferred to be with females but want to be them when we are together.  It's been a long time from that.

I NEVER correct people  for misgendering me and try not to show any offense. It's hard.  Most people are just waiting for us (me) to to do that. I won't.   Because I think that's contributing to friction.  I may be wrong.  I did it for a while because my past counselor suggested I tell people my preferred pronouns.  I think just asking that stuff is a good way to piss alot of people off. So not doing that.

I use men's rooms or unisex when I find them.  Even in a dress.  I do not wear dresses often.  I like tight jeans, t-shirts, and  hoodies mostly.  I have tiny little boobs now and I love seeing this in my shirts or undressed.  They might be muscles.  Not too much makeup.  If I wore skirts and more makeup I might pass up  level two scrutiny without speaking.  Working on that slowly chiseled stone.
Used to use women's rooms all the time when dressed girly, and totally stopped when it became a news item and I was on the road working alone.

It will be nice to be around people who accept me!   Been a while.  In person I mean. 
There certainly are people here who understand.
Like you :)

Keep on changes



Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on March 13, 2020, 06:44:46 am
...
I truly at no time consider what I am going through hard times.
...

I'm so glad I was wrong :)

Confidence goes a long way!  Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on March 13, 2020, 08:01:30 am

I NEVER correct people  for misgendering me and try not to show any offense. It's hard.  Most people are just waiting for us (me) to to do that. I won't.   Because I think that's contributing to friction.  I may be wrong. 

"kindness is love nurturing your soul", bless you  :)

Hugs

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on March 13, 2020, 09:46:30 am
I agree with you Maddie re: pronouns and such.  It's hard enough for trans folks to accept ourselves as other than our assigned birth gender.  It's much harder for non-trans people. If someone is just genuinely confused or saying something out of habit without thinking, I am not offended.   There's enough drama in the world without creating more.  Truthfully, even if I suspected less beguine motives, I doubt I would say anything though I would be offended.   
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on March 13, 2020, 09:54:36 am
I agree that I don't get upset if misgendered as I appear now.

If I was misgendered after surgery I believe I would be upset though.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 13, 2020, 10:38:50 am
I'm so glad I was wrong :)

Confidence goes a long way!  Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Madeleine thank you for sharing my life with me.  And yours. 
Feeling like I should've offered you tea, a warning  and a little green chair before replying.  Maybe an aspirin;)

I do not always do social media like a pro.  Not a good card player.  I show my hand, and then see who stays around. Better for me than being accepted for what I am not and later rejected for same.

Hugs tea and little green chairs all around the garden porch.
The birds are singing a different song, and soon winter will pass in this part of the world.

Grateful others feel like I do.  Even if sad a little.

Even stunningly  convincing transpeople are misgendered and worse.
Not passing is a protective shield in some situations.
Working on my grace and composure because it's what I can do to handle that disappointment that come.

It comes down to love for life.  Tired of waiting to live,.  Living my breaths now.

Posture.
Ever-so-slightly friendlier-than-neutral facial expression
Find voice
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 13, 2020, 02:12:46 pm
Grace in the face
intimidation and threats of harm and death.
Gulp...swallow...what??

Although I was granted the temp restrain order immediately.
In the end the court wouldn't view the evidence nor protect me in any way.  To the contrary they threatened me too
This is in part due to my own lack of grace. 
I barked back like a good dog being hit by a stick
And have not moved back home since.

Now I'm told of threats against me overheard in this town.  More like open discussions of what needs to happen to me by their hand.  Not a direct threat like before, so no evidence of direct threat. 

I know way better now.  I don't public unnessarily. Not a troublemaker, but it seems I can stir things up without intending to.  Believe cultivating grace is where it's at.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on March 13, 2020, 02:20:02 pm
Stay safe dear,stun gun in your purse?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 13, 2020, 02:23:43 pm
Thank you hon.  I should be more prepared just in case.
My best defenses right now are awareness and luck.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on March 13, 2020, 02:47:50 pm
Sounds worrisome.  Don't count overmuch on luck.  There are two kinds there.  Definitely be careful and don't put yourself where you attract the wrong kind.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on March 13, 2020, 03:09:54 pm

Now I'm told of threats against me overheard in this town.  More like open discussions of what needs to happen to me by their hand.  Not a direct threat like before, so no evidence of direct threat. 



"Hear say" designed to intimidate  :( Time to move in different circles, alternate time lines, different places, different faces....

Hugs and be safe Maddie
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on March 13, 2020, 04:48:30 pm
Feeling like I should've offered you tea, a warning  and a little green chair before replying.  Maybe an aspirin;)

This made me smile :)

I agree with randim, don't count on luck.  Be careful, doesn't sound so safe there. Or at the least, it sounds quite stressful.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on March 13, 2020, 05:22:38 pm
Stay safe Maddie and I hope you find some people who are interested in you for you soon.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 14, 2020, 11:13:32 am
"Hear say" designed to intimidate  :( Time to move in different circles, alternate time lines, different places, different faces....

Hugs and be safe Maddie
QSL

My circle at home is a circle of 1+cat these days. 
My accepting circle of friends I had here are deceased or reclused in their hell.  I cannot help them too much.

Our side of the apts is the "alcoholic wing".  I do not drink myself ever, but I fit in here somehow.  Just like I worked and got along many nights in bars without drinking 

Yes it's hearsay.  Can't believe anything around here.  It's possible someone's making things up to get me to do favors for them, or maybe they're reporting things to me that they themselves say behind my back.  I do know that the drunk guy downstairs makes it clear to everyone that he's ok with me, even though his abusive female partner derides him and any male neighbors for liking me.  She don't say a peep when I'm around, but I hear this stuff through the walls every day.  He's a lout. But he sticks up for me.  Or maybe I'm just fuel for their relationship....yuck

I have increased my circles to the next town, and working to earn my place in their perception as my true self, not as someone insincere or deluded.

Happy Saturday y'all :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on March 14, 2020, 02:40:35 pm
Take it easy dear.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 15, 2020, 10:16:57 am
Making changes and cancellations due to the virus and public.

Taking advice and doing what I can to supply myself.  Pharmacy says they have my meds but they do this everytime I refill, and when I get there they don't have them in stock.  It's an hour wasted drive everytime, and if I express the slightest disappointment with the false information I'm an angry trans weirdo doing it.  Especially with the current situation. I will remember that I have an affordable copay, that I have chosen to continue refilling this way, and that I am far less likely to die if my meds aren't in than other unfortunate people. That's right.

I refuse to show disappointment.  I will paste a calm and stupid smile on my face and breathe my way through the world.  Breathing that is protected, quiet, thin, slow, deep, and continuous.  Scarf if not mask.  I will steel myself against probable disappointment, with an open mind to success.

People are watching everyone else, looking for something to hate.  I will watch others for something to empathize with love.    I can't handle it easily but I will handle it successfully with no regrets.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on March 15, 2020, 10:27:35 am
You would love to live here, never had a bad word said and every one is lovely and a thriving music scene.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on March 15, 2020, 04:22:20 pm
Hi Maddie,

I followed what my doctor prescribed as far as E and suppression of T. Your T is low so if you have adequate E you are on your way.

After I lost weight and my breasts were in line with my chest size then I just kind of forget about the breasts unless there is reason not to. A reason is my bra rides up or I am getting dressed.

People are people, some are nice and some are not. I just gravitate to the nice people. Mean people are a drain.

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 16, 2020, 09:00:12 am
Sorry about this.  But I have to work this out there somewhere.

Instead of meeting up with someone supportive, I have made a dumb decision .  I will be spending the next week + with family who do not accept me whatsoever.  Trans or no.  I'm unnacceptable even when employed full time with short hair and acting right whatever that is

I haven't been to a family event since my cousin's wedding in 1997.   I danced then and became free.
Now I'm driving across the US with them.  Their car, their gas $.    For a funeral for that cousins mother, my aunt.  My mothers sister, who first name she shares..   My aunt, uncle, and cousins  who sheltered me on the road  when in FL and AL over the past decade. My aunt who saw me play a show, and liked it so much she came to the next one too.
My folks won't fly, which is cool by me right now considering what's spreading around.  My dad is getting a little old to drive 18 hours straight.
My mom asked me to go, and then I swear she started a fight with me as soon as I said yes.  Wrong answer I suppose.  She is a saint, I cannot stress it enough,  and has my father forever in her web, along with her siblings.  Nobody has heard any side of our drama except hers since the 1980s. Somehow I ruined her life when I was ten, and she can't stop going there.  She has repeated her story so many times it became real to her.  And it completely disavows and fictionalizes the course of my life since I moved out way back then.  She is Ironclad.  Noone doubts her.  But she is so full of fear and insecure herself. I know this even if they don't.

Lord willing they won't hear anything from me.  I may be one of her verbal whipping posts and stand there and be degraded like males are meant for.  Or maybe she will be a saint, as she can be very together in front of others.  A trait I did not inherit but am still becoming.
 I will have no name, no identity or definition other than what she decides is acceptable.  Now is not the time for me to be me, and that time may never come with this group of humans.   No pretty clothes.  I really hate her, it disturbs me physically, even though for 7 years now I've told her I love her and hoping this upcoming week is an opportunity to somehow become free from hate and her.  Or maybe hate of her.

Washing my hands figuritively and literally. Showing respect and condolences, and participating in a family group thing like I always hear others talking about.  Supporting my mother in her loss of closest sibling.

Again sorry.  But that felt good.  Maybe my family have accounts here and are reading it too.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 16, 2020, 09:19:06 am
I could be a carrier and don't know it. 

Wasn't planning to go anywhere, and now this came up.

Don't know what to do.  If I don't go this may be the final disrespect I ever do to them
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on March 16, 2020, 09:25:59 am
sounds like a dysphoric and risky adventure  :(

I'm sorry you've lost your Auntie Maddie


Be well

hugs

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on March 16, 2020, 09:37:17 am
Hope it wll goes well for you.  You are stronger than you know and you will get through this. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 16, 2020, 09:40:28 am
Thank you.  I'm thinking of my aunt now.  Contacting her soul.   But it's for the living that I would go.  I want to be a supportive person, not just with words but actions.  I do not call my mom a saint sarcastically.  That b from the Bronx walks the walk.

Whether or not  I risk this dysphoric adventure I sort of committed to,, it still remains for the news to tell us if the roads and funerals will even be open for operation.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on March 16, 2020, 09:43:43 am
That's a load Maddie, and a long time to handle dysfunction. I feel for you girl.  I got no great advice.  Keep the focus on your aunt as much as you can, and keep the conversation away for you as much as you can?  But like Tonya said, you can handle this.  Sorry for your loss, and for having to go through this. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: RandyL on March 16, 2020, 12:07:21 pm
You will do what is right Maddie, for yourself and for your family. You are strong. You have all our love and hugs. Randy

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 16, 2020, 05:43:42 pm
Pretty is not all to do with clothing or makeup or hair
That's why they get mad and they can't even see
If I take the clothes and makeup and hair away I'm still truth shining.
Wherever I go or stay
Only I will take my pretty away.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on March 16, 2020, 10:55:32 pm
Hugs
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 17, 2020, 05:12:12 am
People repress bad things they did too. 
Not just what happened to them. 
I think more so!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 17, 2020, 06:37:45 am
Going to keep checking news updates before leaving today.
I really don't want to go. Feel like laying low, consuming less, and waiting for the demic to hopefully ride out for everyone.

If I do go I don't want my trans to have anything to do with it.  Except that's impossible. Just my existing is selfish. Then there is the worldemic going on...
If I don't go, this is a permanent effect, and concerned it's my last chance. 

I offered to go along on a similiar trip when things were better, but was told not to come then. 
Never felt like a member of their family anyway. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 17, 2020, 09:39:11 am
Not going.
Someone else's decision, so no bad on me
I will send a condolences card or two.
Noticing that I am a drama queen.  Neat. 
It's good to be alive and being something.
Stay healthy if you can
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 17, 2020, 10:08:14 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
In the end, it is you that has to make these types of decisions for yourself... 
Not going and sending a card or two may be the best way to keep the peace with family members.

Please stay healthy yourself....  here where I am there are no coronavirus cases anywhere near me ...  I am hoping that you can stay away from this thing as well.

OH, by the way, I miss seeing your beautiful Avatar/Profile picture....
...  you are loved and accepted here on the Forums...  I and the rest of you followers are your biggest fans and supporters... please remember that.... always.

HUGS and as always, best wishes,
Danielle


Not going.
Someone else's decision, so no bad on me
I will send a condolences card or two.
Noticing that I am a drama queen.  Neat. 
It's good to be alive and being something.
Stay healthy if you can
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 17, 2020, 11:07:52 am
Thank you Danielle.

This was not my decision.  I got a call telling me not to come.  Nothing negative was said, they're  just responding to the news. They're concerned about being in a car with me.  Makes sense, and makes it easy on me I guess. 
Hope they drive safe. 
I really have no way to get there right now if not driving their car and gas $ anyway.

By special request,  I will put my avatar back up :)
Grateful to be loved and accepted here.
I love and accept you too
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on March 17, 2020, 01:23:37 pm
Hugs on the bright side you won't have to deal with their negativity throughout the trip. Hopefully this means less stress.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on March 17, 2020, 05:10:38 pm
...
Noticing that I am a drama queen.  Neat. 
It's good to be alive and being something.
...

I like this.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 17, 2020, 06:25:57 pm
Now my folks are not taking the trip, and I am relieved.
It's a rollercoaster ride for sure, but if it were all negative we wouldn't be riding it.

It's not my fault they know- my mom figured it out herself and asked me straight up if I was taking z hormones :) I didn't lie to her.  She was nurse 40+ yrs and saves lives in her spare time.    Maybe she needs someone to save hers too?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 17, 2020, 06:46:07 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Thank you for sharing your update.
I think that it is good news. 
I am hoping that you are feeling better now about not taking the trip.

Yes indeed, the transition road is exciting and scary...  positive and negative all at the same time.
Hang in there, you have friends here that want to support you when you report bad news, with our ears to listen and our shoulders are available for you to lean on.
... and when you report good news, we will rejoice with you.   We are your biggest fans and we will always be rooting for your happiness and success.

Thank you again for sharing and keeping me and all of your followers up to date with your like endeavors.
HUGS and HUGS,
Danielle


Now my folks are not taking the trip, and I am relieved.
It's a rollercoaster ride for sure, but if it were all negative we wouldn't be riding it.

It's not my fault they know- my mom figured it out herself and asked me straight up if I was taking z hormones :) I didn't lie to her.  She was nurse 40+ yrs and saves lives in her spare time.    Maybe she needs someone to save hers too?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on March 17, 2020, 07:06:25 pm
Maddie, I'm so sorry that you have to go through all that family BS.

I think it's a good move that you're not going. Not because of the family but because of the risk that's out there right now.

Hugs

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 18, 2020, 12:45:45 am
Hugs.  Thanks for the support

Glad there's a family still around!
My mom and I hardly spoke for over 20 years.
Best to do this while we can...

Other things..
The store is closed until further notice, at least I'm not needed. Looks like 2 weeks but could change.

Today just keeping my hands busy cleaning up my place a little and playing guitar alot.  Trying to increase my proportion of good sounds.  Because why not.

I have enough hrt meds and cat food to ride some time. Check!

Taking notice how I hear my inner voice in regards to speaking.  Not sure where its going yet,. 
Want to use my voice in a way that IDs me effectively so people just get it.


Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on March 18, 2020, 07:59:30 am
Seems to have worked out without too much drama or issues.  Sorry that you can't go to a family funeral but glad you won't have the potential dysphoria and other negatives. 

Take care, stay safe



Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on March 18, 2020, 08:21:58 am
Way to have a good attitude :) Good for you.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on March 19, 2020, 06:22:34 pm
I am glad you are safe and not traveling.

Family, we do not pick them but they make a huge impact on us. I hope your Mom will support your change.

I think we are all a bit isolated now so lets do our best to keep in touch.

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 23, 2020, 09:59:05 pm
All this stress and isolation is making my boobs grow.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 23, 2020, 10:25:49 pm
All this stress and isolation is making my boobs grow.

 @Maddie
I guess that there is "some" good that comes along with all the bad news!!!!!
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on March 23, 2020, 10:25:52 pm
All this stress and isolation is making my boobs grow.
It's not all bad then. Lol

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 24, 2020, 02:00:11 am
Seriously I'm a little panicked.  Hope everyone is ok.
Sherrifs here today kind of trigger me.
Then one followed me partway to the well I get water.
Touch no surfaces

People are reaching out in a sense kind of a finality.
It's all borrowed time .
I have never thought as clearly or happy in my life,  as I have since accepting that I am transgender and doing something about it.  That's amazing,.  How much more good to come if I get to keep transitioning and growing?

Not going to worry myself sick. 
And not going to spread it to anyone either
Unless I'm helping them with something worse
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on March 24, 2020, 04:25:26 am
You will be fine, just take sensible precautions dear. We have been told to stay in non essential travel and going out is banned just going to work and food shopping allowed . Trouble is my job is classed as an essential business , never mind still on self isolation in my garage -------------
You know the old saying "don't let the <not allowed> grind you down, stay strong XXXX 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 24, 2020, 09:08:01 am
I'm sorry Davina, I classify you as essential too!!
Stay strong and un-ground
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 24, 2020, 09:31:44 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
GOOD MORNING !!!   Today is a new day.   Here, it has continued to snow all night and this morning after snowing all day yesterday.   I love fresh snowfall, it looks so beautiful.

I trust that your day is good for you and that you can try to stay positive and optimistic in spite of the endless news stories of doom and gloom about the coronavirus.   As best you can, stay home, stay away from any crowds.  Hopefully you have what you need at your home ....  and as springtime has returned soon your garden will produce some fresh homegrown veggies for your enjoyment.

I am wishing you well ALWAYS !!!


HUGS and HUGS,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on March 24, 2020, 09:45:04 am
Seriously I'm a little panicked.  Hope everyone is ok.
Sherrifs here today kind of trigger me.
Then one followed me partway to the well I get water.
Touch no surfaces

People are reaching out in a sense kind of a finality.
It's all borrowed time .
I have never thought as clearly or happy in my life,  as I have since accepting that I am transgender and doing something about it.  That's amazing,.  How much more good to come if I get to keep transitioning and growing?

Not going to worry myself sick. 
And not going to spread it to anyone either
Unless I'm helping them with something worse
Your seed was cultivated and is florishing. Your tomatoes are growing and soon will be beefsteak after being cherry tomatoes for so long.

Hugs

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on March 25, 2020, 09:41:17 am
Glad to read you've connected with your Mom on HRT and things, and that the trip was put off after all...

Happy Wednesday to you Maddie  :)

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 25, 2020, 12:13:26 pm
You would love to live here, never had a bad word said and every one is lovely and a thriving music scene.
You never know...
My updated passport arrived in the mail the other day.
Promise me you'll keep rocking out ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 25, 2020, 12:15:52 pm
Your seed was cultivated and is florishing. Your tomatoes are growing and soon will be beefsteak after being cherry tomatoes for so long.

Hugs

I dig what you are saying Wendi. 
Thanks girl.
Hugs
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on March 25, 2020, 12:41:04 pm
Hang in there Maddie.  These are strange times but we will get through them.  Do try and avoid unnecessary contact with strangers though.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on March 25, 2020, 02:10:59 pm
Congratulations on your new passport
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 25, 2020, 02:48:25 pm
Thanks! I submitted the revision last year, but there were some snags.  It arrived here the same day as the state issued a stay safe at home mandate this week.

Hopefully will get  use ithe passport.  I got it for no good reason several years ago because an inner voice told me that I was going somewhere.  Didn't know where...

Since then,  I worked through 48 US states (it's a big country) , but only crossed borders driving from Buffalo to Detroit a couple of times. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: RandyL on March 25, 2020, 05:41:51 pm
One mantra of my adult life has been to always possess a valid passport. Never know when or why I might need to use it!

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 25, 2020, 06:58:37 pm
I use my passport for domestic air travel, the TSA will also accept "enhanced" drivers licenses as acceptable ID.... however some states do not issue "enhanced" drivers licenses.   The enhanced drivers license will also allow travel to and from Canada and Mexico from the USA without a passport...  but I always have my passport when I travel anywhere domestic or international.

I always keep my passport up to date.   It is the premium form of ID. 

Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on March 25, 2020, 08:43:01 pm
Hi Maddie, congratulations on getting you passport.

One thing that is important traveling is that all forms of identification match. So the drivers license and passport.

When all the pandemic issues clear then travel is something I will be doing. I agree with Danielle about a passport being a high form of ID.

I know being cooped up and listening to all the pandemic information on the media can cause apprehension so it is great to make sure to mix it up and not listen to all the negative media. I need to work less and start a home exercise routine.

Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on March 26, 2020, 07:23:05 am
Hey Maddie.  Cool cool on getting your passport. 

Got my first for no real reason. My oldest was going to Spain on a class trip so got it at the same time.  Used it the next year when we went to London

How you holding up? 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on March 26, 2020, 08:03:51 am
All 48 states!  I'll bet you had some adventures. 

I agree with what's been said above about passports, they are great to have even if you don't plan on travelling out of the country.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 27, 2020, 07:20:59 am
The neighbors below my apt are obnoxious drunks that argue and even now have people coming over all the time.  What the why the who the..????
They cough constantly and smoke like chimneys even though that's not allowed in the building.  I'm worried about what's coming up to my place through the vents!!  The worst is the woman, who moved herself in illegally last summer and refuses to leave despite supposedly being kicked out.  She loudly rants against the fag upstairs (me) all the time, and attacks all the men down there verbally and physically for being fags because they used to be my friends.  Before she moved in to validate his masculinity by her royal presence.

I do not see them but I hear them. I'm stuck with these people 24 hours a day and I can't take it. 
Since I'm weird, I have no TV or computer or stereo.  I don't have anyway to block out what I hear except play guitar.  Which I do.

Sorry but that is all the ray of sunshine I can offer this morning.  Stay healthy please.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on March 27, 2020, 07:33:08 am
Ugh, that is the worst, Maddie.  Maybe you could get one of those white noise generators that therapists use?  Or maybe turn up your guitar amp to 11 and play some metal? jk  :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on March 27, 2020, 07:36:10 am
Good Morning Maddie, sorry to hear about your neighbors, that stinks ! Perhaps mentioning the smoke / bio hazards below to property management is one thing that comes to mind, you don't have to take this, especially with shelter in place recommendations where you are now. I think you have a smart phone, they do make great music players these days, do you have some head phones to go with ? I love my bluetooth headphones  ;) Congrats on getting your passport updated, it's certainly nice to have, especially in the age of proving one's citizenship  :)

Be well

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: TonyaW on March 27, 2020, 07:39:55 am
Lots of music and podcasts available on your phone. 

We got lots of headphones around that we dont use, mostly the ear bud type. We could send you a couple if you need.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 27, 2020, 07:58:06 am
Thanks.  Yes I can get music on my phone. I do have headphones, but thank you for the offer!!!
Right now I have a data use limit warning and really no means to increase that, so I have to cut music back or lose my connection to lifeline which is this forum. Not only that but the phone is only 2 months old and already having issues charging.  Like the last one they sold me. And the one before that.
Uggh. 
I don't think I have coronavirus. That's something!  No cough, no fever.  But definitely feeling tightness of breath.  They closed down the clinic in my town last week. Because of the virus, they stopped medical treatment here   Seriously.  They were already spread thin though and only open 2 days a week.  The nurse practitioner and medical assistants are awesome people and I hope they're ok wherever they are now.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on March 27, 2020, 08:03:59 am
I'd report that smoking. Not only is it unhealthy but also a fire hazard. I'd start with the management of the building and keep going up there ladder of they don't take action.

In New York State you can call 311. This is copied from a PDF from www.smokefreehousingny.org

Individuals can report violations by calling 311. Sanitary Code Your local or county board of health ensures that apartment buildings are in compliance with ventilation and other code requirements. Correcting code violations often helps address drifting secondhand smoke.

Hugs

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 27, 2020, 08:26:35 am
Management knows. 
Their apt is right next to the community mailbox and laundry, so everyone knows about the smoking and the yelling.  And the smashing and breaking.  She throws stuff at him when he's not looking.  Bless their job, but  sherrifs seemed more than ready to take on a weakened drunk like him, but apparently won't lay a hand on the Ms little thing.  If I step into it, they will almost certainly call for maximum backup.  Which I see as a sign of respect but unnecessary as I am not trouble.

Supposedly they were evicted.  Last year, and again since she moved in.  Twice.  Has not happened.



Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on March 27, 2020, 08:40:49 am
Sounds awful.  Maybe a good time to put some hearing protection on and read a book? Stay strong Maddie, like you always do  This too shall pass.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 27, 2020, 08:52:12 am
Thank you everyone so much for support!

I'm negative sometimes and falling into it easily with what is going on.
 
I don't yet know how to walk into a happy room without emptying it.
However, I can walk into a miserable room and make it marginally better temporarily.

Later, I will post back something positive.... so noone go away!

Please don't leave me. 
I'm not just drowning and trying to pull you down with me.
Within my ability, I help too
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on March 27, 2020, 08:58:49 am
It is never easy with <poor> neighbours. I hope that you are able to get out of there soon.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 27, 2020, 09:06:58 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
I am so sorry to read of your situation with your "neighbors"  ....   headphones and playing your guitar seems like a good choice.   Also, talking the the landlords may help.

It's tough enough being in "lock-down" and stuck at home but with your neighbor situation it makes it very difficult for you I am sure.

I know it is early, but perhaps you can start spending more time in your springtime garden getting it ready to bloom in early summer....  by the way, I miss seeing pictures of your garden.

Thank you for sharing and posting.

HUGS and best wishes,....  hang in there, stay healthy and safe.
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on March 29, 2020, 09:40:51 am
My south facing balcony porch has been positive for growing things.
But it is merely a preview of positive things that have yet to manifest.

The garden is where I've been changing, so that I can leave the trauma-induced matrix behind. 
Not to mention my denial of these same inducers..

In order to manifest I cannot allow a garden to root me into infertile ground.




Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on March 29, 2020, 09:52:11 am

In order to manifest I cannot allow a garden to root me into infertile ground.

You know fertile pastures lie elsewhere, I sense your desires to move on and travel, perhaps look toward the setting sun, as it moves higher in the sky toward the solstice....

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on March 29, 2020, 11:52:44 am
My south facing balcony porch has been positive for growing things.
But it is merely a preview of positive things that have yet to manifest.

The garden is where I've been changing, so that I can leave the trauma-induced matrix behind. 
Not to mention my denial of these same inducers..

In order to manifest I cannot allow a garden to root me into infertile ground.

Spring is a time for growth.  Your garden sounds like a good place.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on March 31, 2020, 07:03:11 pm
Hi Maddie,

Sorry about the neighbors. It must be very difficult and frustrating.

I hope you can stay positive when so much around us is changing and so fast.

I hope you get a chance to use your passport to take a trip somewhere when the time is right.

This past Sunday I planted some Iris bulbs in anticipation of the sunny spring time. What are you planting this spring?

Rachel

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 03, 2020, 12:15:45 am
If I am going to move I should not plant anything new this year.

Don't know yet.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on April 03, 2020, 11:30:27 am
We all need a best friend , someone that takes you as you are no question . I don't think anyone on here would be upset by the full you no matter how random you are, its good to let <not allowed> out . Once we are allowed out you just never know who you might find, TBH I find its when your not looking !!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on April 03, 2020, 11:46:54 am
Hi Maddie, I've read your post(s) this morning and just getting a break from work to respond. Recalling my previous posts here to you "survival matters", and my advice today is again to simply focus on keeping yourself intact and healthy. Transition issues can take a back seat really, prioritize what really matters. We can't say what will even happen next week, given recent events. I want to let you know your are being heard here, your Mom can be an emergency contact ? I know you stay in touch with her. Seek inner peace, however you achieve that, because outside it's madness, not normal, not even close. The greatest risk is not the virus it's self, but ourselves, our souls and minds, and how we approach knowledge of it's existence.

Hugs from out here and be well

Cyndi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on April 03, 2020, 11:52:29 am
Hang in there Maddie. Oftentimes we find help and support when we last expect it. I'm sure you'll find some people who will understand you and can relate to what you're going through.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on April 03, 2020, 01:16:40 pm
I'm so sorry you're hurting Maddie.  Stay strong and know you're as entitled to a peaceful place in this world as anybody.  These are crazy times, but they will pass.  Be good to yourself, and like others have said, you can't predict the future.  Maybe something good's waiting around the corner for you.  And by all means, use these boards.  You're among friends here.  Dump your sad, your dark, your silly, your happy here. That's what these forums are for.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on April 03, 2020, 04:40:31 pm
Keep talking to us Maddie. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on April 03, 2020, 07:01:50 pm
Your neighbor does sound a bit odd. Please be safe.  I'm sorry to hear of the deaths in your building. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on April 04, 2020, 08:46:30 am
Your neighbor does sound a bit odd.

I agree with Judi, sounds like an official wing nut, they are out there.

Be well

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on April 04, 2020, 01:08:26 pm
I'd do my best to steer clear of that guy. He sounds like he's got a screw loose.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 05, 2020, 10:31:50 am
Pretty sure that there will be minimal if any gardening on the porch.

I need to move.  Still don't know where.  My options are limited and yes that's my fault. 

I  have operated my life from intuition , gut feeling, and spiritual messages that I read as direction.  I have not operated my life by thinking and planning first.  For example, I've been very forthcoming in relationships about my crossdressing and desire/ belief of being a woman.  Thus I have lived my life alone, except for 5 years.  I have never lived with a partner who did not commit suicide.  But these were the ones that accepted me enough to put up with my own depression.  Obviously they were self destructive, and their conditions were pre-existing.  I've already come through the blame and guilt for those, and God's witness I did not cause any of that.  It's just that my magnet attracted those types.

I have now separated from relationships for several years, and the last one was not bad or self destructive.  She doesn't jive with trans though, which is fair, and I chose to live for real instead of holding it inside and being resentful later. 

I also based my life career path by asking inwards to god and following open doors.  This worked for a long time until it didn't.  Asking again. The answer seems to be to reformat the business I used to have.  That will not pay for near future  transition, car repair,  or moving however.

Thought I was established here.
But noone who is left seems to know me anymore. 
These include people who used to talk to me, visit my cat, have me pick them up groceries,etc. 
Must not be needed here anymore.  To combat this feeling, I will step up efforts to assist around here anyway I can that does not involve going off into isolated caves with the man I mentioned before

It's worse now with covid, but it started last summer when my bnf (best neighbor friend) died and then that trans-hateful houseguest moved in below me and has not left. Everyone seems to either like her, or avoid everyone on my side of the building because of her and her drunken clutch.

I've been hesitant to move because moving can be a setback .  Peace disappears, and inefficiency follows moves.
And, I know that I cannot move away from myself.  Another reason I've stayed so long this time. 

Was trying to change, in hopes that would jumpstart a new interpersonal dynamic,  wherever I end up.
Hopefully I have changed enough in this garden. 
Enough to make a difference for the next community relationships.

Maybe there will be a place for a small garden there too.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on April 05, 2020, 10:41:11 am
Maddie there will be another place where a wonderful and fruitful garden will flourish.  You wrote:

"I've been hesitant to move because moving can be a setback .  Peace disappears, and inefficiency follows moves.
And, I know that I cannot move away from myself.  Another reason I've stayed so long this time.


Moving can be a setback but also a new beginning.  Don't confuse peace with "cold comfort."  Change can be good as it allows us to leave behind elements we no longer need or desire.  We cannot escape our past, but we can learn from it in order to forge a new future.  Just as you have made a difference here (yes you have!) you will find a home where you will make a difference in your life and that of others.  A community where you are loved. 

Hugs, Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 05, 2020, 12:44:39 pm
Thank you for telling me I make a difference here.

And for insight of  Pink Floyd lyric.
Cold comfort for change
Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lean pole in a cage

I am useful
I am needed
I am sane
I am stable
I am free
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: RandyL on April 05, 2020, 03:27:21 pm
Hi Maddie, hang in there, be patient through this pandemic disruption, and keep your eyes open for an opportunity to move. You are strong, and we love you! Randy

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on April 05, 2020, 05:47:07 pm
Anytime Maddie.  I was just being honest. 

I always thought the line was "Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage."  Although in a cage lean poles are what you get.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 05, 2020, 06:01:20 pm
Did j type that?   Not even sure what a lean pole is.

Gonna jump a bridge.
I am balanced
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 06, 2020, 11:20:42 am
Just had a wonderful phone conversation with a friend from forums.
Nice verbal communication :).
I am feeling reassured about my safety at home, using caution and distance. 
Hopefully the world can open up again.

As the news here is warning to brace for terrible week, I hope you are braced and safe.
Thank you if you are working in any high risk capacity.

Noticed the calendar today:
Please bear in mind the full moon as it intensifies things. 
It does for me.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on April 06, 2020, 11:30:04 am
Wow, me too!  I started noticing changes with the full moon years ago, especially sleep.  I have the hardest time falling asleep at full moon.

I'm glad you were able to speak with some here.  It must have been nice! 

Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on April 06, 2020, 02:15:01 pm
Ahh yes full mooooooooooooon as in I used to be a werewolf but I'm all right Noooooooooooow!!! 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on April 06, 2020, 04:34:28 pm
Lol. Luckily I don't have any problems sleeping.

I'm glad you were able to speak to another member. Usually if you can talk things out with someone you can come up with a plan.

Hugs

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on April 06, 2020, 08:52:15 pm
Glad you found somebody to talk to. The internet is nice, but it's hard to beat a more personal connection.  Hope today has been a good one for you, and the sun shone your way.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 15, 2020, 12:47:42 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

I trust that today will be a good day for you, and if not, the best thing you can do is to write in your blog/thread and vent. 
So many times, at least for me, it is a great way to review my problems and issues and that allows me to postulate and  ponder what I can do about it.... thinking positive is a key here.  I know that you are aware of my thread....   
                 Positive Mindset... put away negativity (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)
You might want to take some time and look over the comments from many of our members that post their thoughts there, it could be very helpful.

Hey girl, where is your Avatar/Profile photo???   I miss seeing you.   As in the past, if you have things that you want me to do with your photos, I will always be happy to assist, just let me know!!!

I will be looking for your updates to your thread here....
HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on April 15, 2020, 01:43:05 pm
Hi Maddie,  I hope you're feeling alright.  Please don't let all the <poo> around you get you down.  You're stronger than that. 

Hugs,
Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 15, 2020, 03:37:23 pm
Hugs.

I took a walk outside around town and cemetary hill today.  A little cool but ok. 34F cloudy a little windy.  I wore a coat, but I saw guys around here out in shorts.
Not many folks out, which is normal here.
Next time I'll shoot a couple photos and hit you up for help, Northern Star Girl :)


Doing a little more makeup, embracing being a girl. 

Might even color my hair sometime.  Maybe.

I am lucky.
Thanks for checking on me. 
Have a nice day
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 15, 2020, 03:51:38 pm
@Maddie

HUGS for you !!!

Danielle

                              (https://i.imgur.com/paezNSC.jpg)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 15, 2020, 05:06:25 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

Aweee.... you have your Avatar Profile picture back up....
  Your happy face and smile are nice to see.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on April 15, 2020, 05:41:20 pm
@Maddie, if you color your hair what color would you go for? I have had my hair colored in a salon as I am too chicken to do it myself. I need to at least try. Anyhow, would you go lighter or darker?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on April 15, 2020, 06:29:16 pm
Hugs Maddie
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on April 15, 2020, 08:09:10 pm
Hey @Maddie thats a good question.  What color would you pick if you were to change? 

My sister did mine at first and after trying it myself I decided to go the salon route.  My hair is damaged from a certain medication I was on (hoping it grows back healthy) so going to a pro was a good choice for me.  I was ash blonde when I was younger so I went with a blonde that had slight red tint to it.  Since then I've had more red and brown added so it is nothing like my natural color but I really like it. 

I have a friend who does her own.  I've seen her do it and its super easy.  What do you say? 
Judi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on April 16, 2020, 06:51:57 am
Hugs.

I took a walk outside around town and cemetary hill today.  A little cool but ok. 34F cloudy a little windy.  I wore a coat, but I saw guys around here out in shorts.
Not many folks out, which is normal here.


Nice to see this above, surely feels good to "get out".

Hugs

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 16, 2020, 07:28:28 am
@Maddie, if you color your hair what color would you go for? I have had my hair colored in a salon as I am too chicken to do it myself. I need to at least try. Anyhow, would you go lighter or darker?
I...don't ...know...
Probably start trying to blend in my natural color (darkish brown?) and reduce the grey some
Going all out different could be a bold transforming step to take...!
With salons closed, it must be pushing you closer to the end of the diving board...I'm chicken too
That's it! 
Reddish  extra spicy chicken blonde with a fire engine red comb
Cluck
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on April 16, 2020, 10:18:31 am
\
Going all out different could be a bold transforming step to take...!
With salons closed, it must be pushing you closer to the end of the diving board...I'm chicken too
That's it! 
Reddish  extra spicy chicken blonde with a fire engine red comb
Cluck


Ha!  You are so right that it would be a bold step.  I was afraid of changing so much but I've found it helped me move forward as my true self.  Honestly I would probably do it myself again but leaning over the sink to rinse is hard on my back (ouch).  Spicy Red with a Fire engine red comb sounds wonderful! Something to maybe look forward to??

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 17, 2020, 08:59:30 pm
To review:
Mr Tom-ato shields little Miss Maddie Pepper
He withered and she blossomed...or did they?

Bam Bam bammm.....

Guess what... in this secluded garden, these are both perrenials!
That's right Tomato snuck back to protect her.  Sneaky.  I didn't even notice

Time is coming for miss pepperpot to dive into the big pond.  Over both their heads.
If Mr 🍅 is protective now,  how will she ever stay out front, out in the sun, where all the other flowers and pepperpots and dogs are watching....?
And they will see whichever face is out front

Bound to be tricky
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on April 18, 2020, 08:02:34 am
Time is coming for miss pepperpot to dive into the big pond.  Over both their heads.

You can do it, confidence, attitude do go a long way, no more shielding, just the real you  :)

In this place far beyond the shelter of the Internet support forum, real life awaits

Hugs

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on April 18, 2020, 07:08:13 pm
"If Mr 🍅 is protective now,  how will she ever stay out front, out in the sun, where all the other flowers and pepperpots and dogs are watching....?"

Maddie, she will stay out in the sun because that is the place to grow!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQetemT1sWc
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on April 18, 2020, 09:16:00 pm
Hi Maddie,

Sometimes things we do not expect happen and it turns out good. I have been going to a salon for years. Instead of going in-town to the salon I first went to, I tried a new salon. I was not too keen on the color. It was close but not what I was thinking. So I tried another new salon. It was expensive. I had a bit of platinum blond look to the base. I did not like it at first. It is growing on me.

I was thinking when PA and Philly opens back up I will make an appointment to my first salon. I will ask what they think about a little platinum mixed in with blond at different shades.

hair is so much fun and you have great hair. You may want to grab a color at CVS or super market and try to match your existing color or add a little variation but go slight change. When you feel more comfortable you can lighten or darken or change the color little by little.

You can have so much fun with hair. Good luck.

======================
When I put my dog to sleep I got a purple orchid and placed it where he sat in the bow window. He died the week before Thanksgiving. Today I got a white orchid plant to keep the purple one company. The purple plant has a new branch with 12 buds in different sizes. One opened today. On the other branch another bloom died. I try to learn from what nature is showing me.

Be well,
Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 22, 2020, 07:36:51 am
I picked up a box of hair color that I think is close to my non-grey hairs.
Haven't used it yet, because of a bunch of natural curly hair care web blogs warning against using the cheap box stuff.  Interesting thing about the natural hair scene is that they talk about transitioning all the time, and they do not mean transitioning the same way as we do as transgender people.

It's snowing here
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on April 22, 2020, 07:52:08 am
Ch, ch, changes.  Of all sorts.  ;)  I can't speak to the advisability of Clairol products.  Probably more a problem with long-term, regular use.   I suspect for experimentation it's not too bad, but I'm sure others here know more.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on April 22, 2020, 01:25:01 pm
Like all these things do a patch test first .
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: MikaelaA on April 22, 2020, 07:37:25 pm
To color my hair I only use Garnier Olia products. It actually seem to improve my hair strength and texture.  I also use Garnier Fructis shampoo and conditioner with fairly good success which only costs $6 for the both of them.  My avatar pic is from this past Sunday right after I finished coloring.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on April 23, 2020, 04:11:29 pm
When my hair grows longer I think I'll dye it. Not sure what color maybe a reddish.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: ChrissyRyan on April 23, 2020, 04:20:54 pm
When my hair grows longer I think I'll dye it. Not sure what color maybe a reddish.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


Red highlights can look good too!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on April 23, 2020, 04:23:29 pm

Red highlights can look good too!
That's a good idea. Maybe not highlighting the gray though. Lol

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on April 24, 2020, 06:32:13 pm
I picked up a box of hair color that I think is close to my non-grey hairs.
Haven't used it yet, because of a bunch of natural curly hair care web blogs warning against using the cheap box stuff.  Interesting thing about the natural hair scene is that they talk about transitioning all the time, and they do not mean transitioning the same way as we do as transgender people.

It's snowing here

HeeHee. 

I hope you share photos of your new color.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on April 25, 2020, 06:52:17 am
Decided that the box of color can sit in my cabinet indefinitely. 
I am going to give my hair more time to grow in  at the hairline before bombing it with paint.
At some point I will hopefully get a trim and see if this improves health and growth.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on April 25, 2020, 07:26:16 am
I am going to give my hair more time to grow in  at the hairline before bombing it with paint.
At some point I will hopefully get a trim and see if this improves health and growth.

chem's can be harsh, wise move

good morning from here

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 12, 2020, 11:07:57 am
Things seem unsorted and alien to me lately.
Sleep, diet, exercise all seem off.  My social connection online has strangely been much less throughout the covid "lockdown". Let me attempt to unalienate.

I log on less and less.  Follow less.

Focusing on recent progress:
-Made contacting inquiry with Dr Gast in Madison WI trying to set up a consult for GCS
-Booked an appointment in a few weeks with a different electrolgist than the one I've been with.  Thinking of it like a second opinion.
-Spoke at some length with a medical insurance benefits person and learned some insight of what it would take to get transitioning procedures covered

Progressing through trauma workbook.  Not a transition thing really, but it may be a key for me.
When I was given this book I denied having trauma and they said I was in denial.  Genius.  But literally true. So working on it now just in case they were right.

Also reading into spirit and old science behind my tai chi practice.
It hurts regretfully to know how i have misspent much of my life energy,.  But that was there and then and this is here and now

Cultivating mindful awareness of the here and now.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on May 12, 2020, 11:54:51 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

Oh, for sure, this coronavirus lock-down for us that are/were stuck at home unable to have a job or to socialize as we once did... can be quite depressing.   Fortunately as you indicated we do have the ability to keep in touch via our electronic devices... the old saying, "Bloom where you are planted" seems to be good advice....   you as a "garden" person know that if you keep uprooting and transplanting your flowers and vegetables that they will not flourish.

Regarding mis-spending your past life energy...  you can not change that, you have no control of your past, and your best move is to concentrate on your present and future actions and learning from past mistakes.

HUGS and best wishes to you .....
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on May 12, 2020, 01:50:44 pm
Things seem unsorted and alien to me lately.
Sleep, diet, exercise all seem off.  My social connection online has strangely been much less throughout the covid "lockdown". Let me attempt to unalienate.

I log on less and less.  Follow less.

Focusing on recent progress:
-Made contacting inquiry with Dr Gast in Madison WI trying to set up a consult for GCS
-Booked an appointment in a few weeks with a different electrolgist than the one I've been with.  Thinking of it like a second opinion.
-Spoke at some length with a medical insurance benefits person and learned some insight of what it would take to get transitioning procedures covered

Progressing through trauma workbook.  Not a transition thing really, but it may be a key for me.
When I was given this book I denied having trauma and they said I was in denial.  Genius.  But literally true. So working on it now just in case they were right.

Also reading into spirit and old science behind my tai chi practice.
It hurts regretfully to know how i have misspent much of my life energy,.  But that was there and then and this is here and now

Cultivating mindful awareness of the here and now.

Hi Maddie,

It's easy to get out of sync with everything so weird, I know I have felt that way the last few days.  And I think it's great you are going through that trauma workbook just to be sure.  There are all kinds of trauma, I learned recently.  The kind we all know about, the really awful things which is big "T" trauma and little "t" trauma.  Try googling it, I certainly learned a lot.

Congrats on all the work you're doing.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 12, 2020, 04:27:31 pm
Cultivating mindful awareness of the here and now.

Indeed practicing mindfulness teaches us the joy of each passing moment, each breath, each step....

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on May 12, 2020, 06:05:51 pm
Hi Maddie, I am glad you are making progress and plans. Some day the lockdown will end and I hope you have all that you need to move forward. The lockdown disrupts routines and time seams to have a different cadence.

The lockdown has disrupted my routines too. I recognized I need a routine that is a bit different to accommodate the change. I cannot go to the gym or hall because they are closed. So I am back walking the State park on the weekend.

I hope you can do just one thing new a week to keep it interesting and force a new routine.

Best,
Rachel
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on May 13, 2020, 12:31:46 pm
Nice avatar pic!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: MikaelaA on May 13, 2020, 03:03:27 pm

...It hurts regretfully to know how i have misspent much of my life energy...


Hi Maddie,

I thought the same exact thing for a very long time until I figured out I was transgender.  Since, I have spent a significant amount of time reflecting on everything I did and experienced up to that point and realized I would not be where I am now without all of those experiences that seemed like dead ends and a huge waste of time.  Now I'm able to be mindful and generally appreciative of who I am and truly be happy for the very first time in my life.  Even though I experienced an enormous amount of difficulty and sadness along the way, all I can think now is, what a beautiful life.  I wish all the best for you.


Hugs,

Michelle

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on May 13, 2020, 07:48:24 pm
Maddie,
Danielle wrote "Regarding mis-spending your past life energy...  you can not change that, you have no control of your past, and your best move is to concentrate on your present and future actions and learning from past mistakes" and I wholeheartedly agree with her sentiment.  I never look back but am always aware of my past actions relative to where I am at the present.  You didn't mis-spend your energy.  You were preparing yourself for this moment. It sounds like you are making some sound choices.  I cannot say "good" choices as only you can determine that.  Know that I and many of your forum friends support you as you move through life.  Seize the moment!
Judi 

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 14, 2020, 08:03:37 am
Moving forward, meditation practice can help regather energy.  Say it so.

Don't want to be transgender.
I wanted to be a girl.
When I became adult, I said I wanted to be a woman, but really wanted to be a girl.

Don't want to be a part of a movement, or a chanting crowd.
I am not proud.

Still don't know where to go or what to do to manifest this
It's like I'm missing a chip.  It can't just be laziness. I swear I'm not that bad of a person.  Not going to call myself stupid.

I'm still crying to god begging to be a girl

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 14, 2020, 08:13:29 am
I'm still crying to god begging to be a girl

I'll just say it, you are a girl Maddie  :) You can accept that description if you'd like, I know I do...

Hugs and a smile your way

Cyndi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on May 14, 2020, 08:44:53 am
Moving forward, meditation practice can help regather energy.  Say it so.

Don't want to be transgender.
I wanted to be a girl.
When I became adult, I said I wanted to be a woman, but really wanted to be a girl.

Don't want to be a part of a movement, or a chanting crowd.
I am not proud.

Still don't know where to go or what to do to manifest this
It's like I'm missing a chip.  It can't just be laziness. I swear I'm not that bad of a person.  Not going to call myself stupid.

I'm still crying to god begging to be a girl

Hugs I kind of feel the same way
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 14, 2020, 12:18:56 pm
carpe momento
I am  a girl!
Thank you for the hugs and support everyone.
I very much appreciate it these days!!

Julie Rabbit I've never seen a photo but I have thought that we were similiar yet different in this mess

Hi Maddie,

I thought the same exact thing for a very long time until I figured out I was transgender.  Since, I have spent a significant amount of time reflecting on everything I did and experienced up to that point and realized I would not be where I am now without all of those experiences that seemed like dead ends and a huge waste of time.  Now I'm able to be mindful and generally appreciative of who I am and truly be happy for the very first time in my life.  Even though I experienced an enormous amount of difficulty and sadness along the way, all I can think now is, what a beautiful life.  I wish all the best for you

Thanks Michelle!  I wish all the best for you too. Positive that your life changed when you figured out you were "transgender".  I am that too probably...I'm actually thinking about having different lower body parts >:-)
Let's hope Judi's right - our life experience is not wasted, and possiby due to this you certainly aren't wasting time since your figuring :)
Post awareness - difficulty - sadness = + = **Michelle**
,...
Been avoiding tap water when at home for six years trying to clear my forehead. 
There is a serene artesian well a couple miles away next to a pond in the Amish countryside
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on May 16, 2020, 06:41:53 pm
Hi Maddie,

I know what it is like to be stuck in destructive thoughts. I say destructive because it holds you back from progressing and it make you feel and relive the powerless struggle of out identity.

sum puella, I am a girl.

Making a plan and executing it is empowering. It does not have to be something elaborate or have 12 parts. It can be something as simple as going to group or wearing eye liner. Then add to the plan. Keep moving forward adding one thing a week then one thing every 3 days then one thing each day. Be comfortable with change and doing something new.

Rachel

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 27, 2020, 09:46:34 am
Turning over depleted soil.

New appraising eyes will examine my roots today.
Assess my follicles

Birds eying up my hair for a nest.

Small groups continue to gather, and scatter when strangeness comes near.

Ready to fly away

Social distance is a tool and a perfect excuse.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on May 27, 2020, 10:58:34 am
You need some fertilizer !! for the soul . XXXXXX look after yourself dear.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on May 29, 2020, 10:44:55 pm
Hi Maddie,

I have to wear a mask at work and we are not allowed to wear makeup. I may have to wear eye shields so no eye makeup either. So in public at work I am behind a mask. When this all ends and I can wear makeup at work it will be like relearning all over again. It will be a bit awkward to wear makeup.

I agree being behind a mask is a bit like hiding. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 30, 2020, 08:52:13 am
Trying not to give up.

I was told at an electro consult on Wed that I have been ripped off and possibly permanently damaged by the electrolgist I've been seeing since 2015.  It was also pointed out that going intermittently, (as I have done due to lack of steady $), is not effective.  This person also told me that I have do much dark hairs  that the 12 laser sessions I had (at a different place 2017-18) should have definitely cleared them.... If I had been to a better tech or laser.

This new electro did not seem to be trying to get me to come to her instead.  In fact, she didn't seem interested in taking on my face.

If I knew of an excellent electro that is absolutely effective  against thick curly beard hairs, and willing to work on mine, I will put together my plan to relocate there.  What I need to do is put together a ton of money first, so that there will be no more stops and starts in my treatment.

My problem there is that my lifetime experience was as a male entertainer who booked myself.  So still trying to reinvent myself in my late 40s with no experience.  So far no luck even finding min wage unskilled stuff. 

Something will happen..  The universe just keeps telling me it's not where I live now.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 30, 2020, 09:01:00 am
Trying not to give up.


Good for you Maddie  :)

I'd recommend the electrolysis lady (ex nurse) I used here, except she's retired now  :) it's a most long and difficult road to facial smoothness, and good luck finding someone you can work with.

Hope your day is going well

C

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 30, 2020, 09:13:50 am
I think I'm going to try a third opinion at Precision hair removal in Wilmette IL.  It's like 4 hrs from here. 
If that is another dead end, I may pack my car and figure it out wherever I land.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 30, 2020, 10:58:07 am
I think I'm going to try a third opinion at Precision hair removal in Wilmette IL.  It's like 4 hrs from here.

Wow... would that be sustainable?

I don't think it would be for me! - E
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 30, 2020, 11:56:58 am
No, but I heard good things about them Ellie :)
If that's the way I go, there's no doubt a vacant apartment closer.
Many towns that way.

Plan to move, not run. 

Stop turn around 
Rewire the things stalling me.
Clean house
Keep on changing

Sometimes these days I want to throw my phone into the trees.  Even if it is my connection.

Watching what's coming up on it's own in the "garden"
None too promising, maybe a cilantro?  It's cute
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 30, 2020, 01:15:16 pm
No, but I heard good things about them Ellie :)
If that's the way I go, there's no doubt a vacant apartment closer.
Many towns that way.

Plan to move, not run. 

Ah, that makes sense! - E
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on May 30, 2020, 02:15:36 pm
My electrologist was charging $60 for an hour. I like her but when the virus hit she stopped. It's about 50 minutes away. I believe she's open back up but I haven't scheduled any more time with her.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 30, 2020, 02:33:20 pm
My electrologist was charging $60 for an hour. I like her but when the virus hit she stopped. It's about 50 minutes away. I believe she's open back up but I haven't scheduled any more time with her
$60/hr is same price I was paying for electro.
Wendi, do you know what method they were using on your face (Thermo, blend, galvanic?)

I will now require that a tech be good with curly hair follicle roots that sometimes aren't even close to straight down.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on May 30, 2020, 02:48:55 pm
$60/hr is same price I was paying for electro.
Wendi, do you know what method they were using on your face (Thermo, blend, galvanic?)

I will now require that a tech be good with curly hair follicle roots that sometimes aren't even close to straight down.
I believe it was a blend method.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 30, 2020, 10:04:34 pm
Sorry still sorting my middle age reboot on this public thread.  It's taking a while. 

My life is so compartmentalized I forget I have other experience
Concrete, landscaper, painter, roofing, siding, insulator, sawyer, scrapyard, demolition, warehouse, more.
Hard work has not been the problem.  Heights can be.
I suffer from a lack of common sense, and a need to be directed.
Stress management.  The inevitable social prying out of what a sissy I am, and my place in the group.
Or acting like a psycho, but not entirely an act. And defense.

It might be less stressful to work with crews now, especially if I totally own who I am. 
Might help the more i resemble who I am.  Or not!

Entertainment strangely was easy to get work. Lots of it. Any time I put myself to it.   I don't even think I'm that good. 
Non essential now!!  Grateful I didn't spend months booking myself for this year! 
Sucks to let it go away now, but I'm not sure the market clamors for my current presentation.

And I'm kind of a techphobe.  It is a problem.
I might do ok dealing with people on the phone as a call center or similiar, but I don't know anything about that industry.

Stay healthy everybody
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on May 31, 2020, 02:28:00 am
So with all those talents/experience what about starting you own handy person business ?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 31, 2020, 04:15:05 am
Thank you that is a logical suggestion!
Unfortunately I'm not handy  ;)   
I really have no common sense and need to be told every step of the way what to do. Even jobs I've done repeatedly.  No eye for what's going on and how to get it done..  At best a desire to comply and please the man I'm working for.
Was a fish out of water in all those jobs and rarely lasted long with any employer.
The only thing that stuck was performing music, something that is kept a hobby by most sane people.

It is  true I did stuff and learned a little.
Might do ok if I figured a way to specialize  in something with a demand, and just know those tasks really well.

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on May 31, 2020, 04:38:36 am
Oh God.  Seeing news.
Glad I'm not in the inner city anymore.

Hope you're not caught up in the riots
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on May 31, 2020, 07:01:11 am
Oh God.  Seeing news.
Glad I'm not in the inner city anymore.

Hope you're not caught up in the riots

My take away from watching our local coverage of downtown Seattle last night, there are essentially two groups, first the peaceful and organized protestors, and then you had the anarchists that are exploiting the situation for no good. They move in amongst the peaceful protestors, looting and causing destruction that solves nothing, and simply causing more pain for businesses that are already closed because of the virus. The message is lost in the violence, feels and smells like '68 again...

what a mess,

Anyway good morning Maddie, hope you are staying well and safe.



Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on May 31, 2020, 07:14:11 am
It's sickening how African American people are still treated in our world.

I was going to go to a demonstration today to support George Floyd but I've reconsidered because of the violence that is popping up at many demonstrations.

It's so sad. I can't imagine living in this world as a human with color.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 01, 2020, 10:05:38 am
On the block for this week

Will ask three  specific people I personally know (and get me as I am now) who may be able to help my employment situation.

Meet with HRT doctor and get blood draw and figure my levels out

Follow-up and contact two clinics for hair removal that I've been referred to.  Will arrange consults and get expert opinions on the work that has been done on my face to this point, and assess the damage to my skin.

Phone or vid appts with not one but 2 counselors.  One is writing one of my letters of readiness for SRS.  The other gave me a psych type workbook a couple years ago that I've been painfully working through during the shutdown.

Sing with a band that is rehearsing for their first time in months.  They are in the same city as the Drs blood lab.  One runs a property maintenance business that I have worked for  (didn't really work out, he usually just employs struggling addicts).  Two of the band guys knew me as another person, but seem ok with me now.  The others don't know me.  Probably just a oneshot for me, as I'm generally trying to avoid that city these days. 
I might wear a wig to rehearsal :)

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on June 01, 2020, 10:08:40 am
Wow, That's quite a full plate.  Those are all big steps, and good luck with all of them.  You are going to be a tired girl by the end of the week.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on June 01, 2020, 10:44:57 am
That sounds like good steps especially because they already accept you as you are.

Good luck!

Hugs

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on June 05, 2020, 07:13:25 pm
Hi Maddie,

I am glad you have a plan. The plan may change but it is important to have goals and put them into action. I think it frees an energy.

Electrolysis
I have gone to 4 different people. The first I had 250 hours and it was blend and ok. I had 13 or so 4 hour sessions with numbing on my upper and lower lip area. I had perhaps 100 hours from another person on my left side of face and 75 hours on my right side.

I had my first session in 3 months Tuesday and I need to schedule additional sessions with the other person. Electrolysis takes time and I think it is important to go to different people and see how effective they are. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on June 23, 2020, 05:34:16 pm
My plan keeps changing.
Plan was to be gone from here.  Now there are plants in the pots again.

My blood levels for E are much better/lower.  I am gratefully blessed with excellent health.

Weight loss remains top of list.  Was within 5 lbs of my final goal, and now back up 10 from there.  Nothing changed except adding progesterone.  Must be that.  It's a struggle, but glad to be where I'm at today. 
Running, core, and small weight exercises.

I had this idea that I could be a waitress...

Watering bucket list
Avoiding webs

Sang with a band at informal house practice.  Mix of guys I know and those I don't.    They are not good but it was fun and went well for me.  I'm finding a range and tone that is high and cuts through the sonic mess. No strain, no pain.  I wore a skirt and makeup because I like to lead with the skirt when I meet new people.  For clarity. 
I'm going back to town this weekend to sing with them again, most likely in jeans, t-shirt, and 3 day stubble for electro.

My mom and dad drove up and visited me.  For various reasons, this was their first time ever to my place since I moved out of theirs in 1989.  They know my new name and HRT trans path.  But to them I am son they named.  I have respect.  I toned my act a little, and made lunch.  We took a walk. It was a peaceful special time.

Electro/laser: I made two consult appts.  The 2nd is next Monday in IL.  Laser is another story.  I got frustrated with the only place in WI that has the laser I'm told will work on me.  So I cancelled.  It's crazy prohibitively expensive there anyway.  My old electro from past five years no longer returns my calls to book.  Long story.  I've done what I can to smooth that out.  It's quite possibly for the better.  Ive had 12 laser sessions and 100 hours of face thermo electro but not all that far along yet.  Possible long term damage from the electro tech I was with.  And I have dark hair remaining that should've been cleared by the laser.

Focus on weight loss and money for electro.
Distractions include attention from guys. 
It's ok.  I think.

Fern, ivy and cactus from the past
Cilantro and spearmint and purple flowers now
Cherry tomatoes and green beans on the horizon

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on June 23, 2020, 05:55:53 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
I so very much enjoyed your terrific and positive update.

I have not "seen" you so happy and content for a long time...
...certainly you are doing better and I am glad for you!!!

In my opinion you did exactly the right thing by "toning it down a little" when your mom and dad visited.
No matter what, your parents will always be your parents, respect is the right move, you do not want any regrets later in life.

When you have a moment it would be nice to see some photos of your garden now that things are blooming again.

Stay safe, stay healthy.

HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on June 23, 2020, 06:54:05 pm
Glad to see that you are doing better.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on June 23, 2020, 08:50:59 pm
Hi Maddie,

Long time since your last post. I am glad you are doing well. I am so happy you are singing again. I know that is where your heart is.

Plans are dynamic and that can be a good thing. Go with what works and let go of what does not work.

I am glad you had time with your parents. It is important to be you and it is important to keep your family. It definitely is a balancing act at times.

Guys attention, I wish you luck. It can be fun, very fun.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on June 23, 2020, 10:51:39 pm
Hi Maddie. I'm glad to hear you're doing well and moving forward. It takes time and persistence and it seems as though you're doing well with both.

Sent from my SM-G986U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on June 24, 2020, 01:50:11 am
Good news on band practice , music raises the spirit. Nice of your folks to visit , glad you got along okay. Go with the flow dear it will come .xxx
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on June 24, 2020, 06:47:40 am
What a nice update Maddie, and the music sounds fun. You were on the hormonal roller coaster there for a while, with freakishly high levels, glad you are getting the care you need.

Time with parents special, glad to read you are taking advantage of their company :)

Have a great summer !

Cyndi
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 07, 2020, 04:10:13 am
Seperating from who I am.  Without murder.
Or I won't make it.
It's not "just" the trans thing....or perhaps it's just that this illness is different for everyone. 
I've done what I can to revive the old family thing. Thinking of it as a way to close that book.
But it's a kind of torture.  To continue the connection is to write myself out of the book of life.
If I'm alive (not sure that I am) then the book is still being written.  Begging the Lord to write me back in all the pages I was taken out of.
Refuse to live trapped as an open sore pillar of shame
Some sadist's reserve battery
Respect and do not even think you can tread on this animal.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 07, 2020, 06:57:41 am
Good Morning Maddie

What i hear is you need to cut ties with the past, it's difficult, strange, and unique for all of us.

Sounds like you made the effort with parental units however, so that's good. My parents are long gone, but they can see the truth of things now....

Hope your day is going well

C

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on July 07, 2020, 08:30:41 am
Good morning Maddie. I agree with CynthiaAnn. I think I'd write them off and move forward without them. They're like a weed in your garden always getting in the way and stunting growth of your plant (you). Time to pull out the weeds.

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 07, 2020, 09:27:02 am
@Maddie    cc:  @CynthiaAnn    @Wendi
Dear Maddie:

I fully agree with the replies of Cyndi and Wendi.  Time to move on, close the book, break the ties.
In my earlier threads I had described those kinds of issues with old "friends' and acquaintances "back home" ...
Even my own mother gave revealed my private contact information to those back home that were not my supporters.

One of the reasons that helped to prompt me to relocate far from home was to get away from my detractors.   My parents are still not fully supportive... that is one of the reasons that I have not been back to visit them like I usually do around Christmas time....    it is heartbreaking for sure.    I do however make a definite point to trying to call them on the phone and send them photos,  birthday cards, etc.... but I seldom get replies and seldom will they talk to me on the phone for very long if at all.   I will never stop respecting my parents, they are the only parents I have and I owe them my respect and love.  I don't every want to do or say anything that I will have regrets about in the future.

:icon_flower: :icon_flower:Bloom where you are planted !!!!! :icon_flower: :icon_flower:

Here where I live now I have developed a circle of very good friends and a network of supporters.

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle 

              (https://i.imgur.com/7fqGTxG.jpg)

Seperating from who I am.  Without murder.
Or I won't make it.
It's not "just" the trans thing....or perhaps it's just that this illness is different for everyone. 
I've done what I can to revive the old family thing. Thinking of it as a way to close that book.
But it's a kind of torture.  To continue the connection is to write myself out of the book of life.
If I'm alive (not sure that I am) then the book is still being written.  Begging the Lord to write me back in all the pages I was taken out of.
Refuse to live trapped as an open sore pillar of shame
Some sadist's reserve battery
Respect and do not even think you can tread on this animal.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 08, 2020, 12:05:19 pm
Thank you x3 for support and feedback.

Today I am cultivating the inside.  Namely me and the inner source.
Without it there is nothing outside in this world worth living for.
Not one thing.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on July 08, 2020, 12:33:41 pm
Keep looking for that fertile soil to nurture your plants , its there somewhere just a case of finding it. 
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 10, 2020, 04:32:10 am
Starting to see little green tomatoes

Casting seeds elsewhere, in all directions, like fishing nets.
Exploring options and opinions.
I will not neglect what sprouts before me (...though I weed through it.)
Bloom where I am planted.
Bloom where I am transplanted.
Blooming mostly 👌

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 10, 2020, 11:37:42 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

YES....  this is what we all need to do as we navigate our way through life.
Thank you for sharing and posting!!!   
Stay positive!

HUGS,
Danielle

Quote
            Bloom where I am planted.
          Bloom where I am transplanted.
          Blooming mostly 👌
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on July 10, 2020, 04:23:44 pm
Starting to see little green tomatoes

Casting seeds elsewhere, in all directions, like fishing nets.
Exploring options and opinions.
I will not neglect what sprouts before me (...though I weed through it.)
Bloom where I am planted.
Bloom where I am transplanted.
Blooming mostly 👌

Blooming sounds awfully nice.  Hope your harvest overflows.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 12, 2020, 01:18:33 pm
Spending time with a young man. Progressing daily. It's all new but so far I'm like a duck in water


Women are talking with me more about sex now.  Telling me about them and their boyfriends etc.


Head up moving forward
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Pammie on July 12, 2020, 01:24:32 pm
Spending time with a young man. Progressing daily. It's all new but so far I'm like a duck in water


Women are talking with me more about sex now.  Telling me about them and their boyfriends etc.


Head up moving forward
Ooh go you!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on July 12, 2020, 01:49:06 pm
Spending time with a young man. Progressing daily. It's all new but so far I'm like a duck in water


Women are talking with me more about sex now.  Telling me about them and their boyfriends etc.


Head up moving forward
I'm glad to hear you're garden is really growing and branching out.

Sent from my SM-G986U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 12, 2020, 08:05:33 pm
I'm glad to hear you're garden is really growing and branching out.

No fruit yet Wendi 
One of the tomatoes is barely fitting under my overhang.
My cactus is wilting, and ivy don"t like to stay down.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on July 12, 2020, 08:23:41 pm
Everything in its good time my friend.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 14, 2020, 07:13:30 pm
Opportunity!
Referred to and applied for latest job.
Entails serving food and beverages to plastic surgeons and other millionaires....alongside twenty-something girl servers...
What could go wrong? ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on July 14, 2020, 08:43:41 pm
Opportunity!
Referred to and applied for latest job.
Entails serving food and beverages to plastic surgeons and other millionaires....alongside twenty-something girl servers...
What could go wrong? ;)
Nothing. I hope you get the job!

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Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on July 14, 2020, 09:18:39 pm
Opportunity!
Referred to and applied for latest job.
Entails serving food and beverages to plastic surgeons and other millionaires....alongside twenty-something girl servers...
What could go wrong? ;)

Go for it! :)  That's what opportunities are for, good luck!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on July 14, 2020, 10:11:39 pm
You go for it Maddie!  Hope it works out.  Maybe you'll get some new girlfriends out of it as well.  ;)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 15, 2020, 09:04:58 am
I used to slam my head into things. A lot. 
Grateful I wasn't brain damaged, but you know what?  I'm not sure.  It could explain why I lag behind in life and struggle with many adult things.
Hadn't done it in years, but this morning I was slamming my head into the wall. Sideways.  Trying to crack the egg and get out of this shell.
My angels are crying even if I can't hear them.

If I get put back on psych meds I will want to die so much more.  You have no idea what I went through  and for how long to get free.  And start transitioning.

I cannot live with my changed name.  It was simply the last one on the list when my court date came to file the paperwork.  My first name is Gitana, which had meaning because I was Tom which came from Gaetianno in my family..  I thought for some reason it would make my parents happy, they could still call me Tommy and everyone else could call me Tana (rhymes with Donna).  But they did not become happy, and I can't stand explaining my name anymore.  I had sooooo many name ideas, many of them were simple because I wanted to avoid this very thing!!!!!!!.  I didn't go with Maddie because some people were calling me Matt by mistake.  I changed my passport too and that took many months.

I stopped losing weight back in January.  I was within 5lbs of my final goal of 162 (I'm 5'10" this is not unreasonable, in fact I was a roofer at 135/140- they gave so much <not allowed> on that job for being pretty and I didn't even get to enjoy it then.) I am now almost 20lbs above that goal of 162.  But I have not cheated on my diet, I watch my calories between 1500-1800 and keep my eating within a 6-7 hour window each day.  I don't eat anything heavy after midday..  I drink plenty water and apple cider vinegar and exercise even more than I was when I lost 40lbs last year.  Been running up to 5 miles a day.  I do other exercise regularly and stretch  breathe and meditate.    Only eat carbs early and always healthy ones and not too much. No eating late, no white sugar,. No flour, no fried, limited fruit, etc.

If I don't break out if this hell before I crack the egg
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Julie H on July 15, 2020, 09:09:23 am
Hugs Maddie
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: davina61 on July 15, 2020, 09:29:38 am
Stay strong dear BIG BIG hugs XX
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on July 15, 2020, 10:23:32 am
Big hugs Maddie.  Pulling for you.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on July 15, 2020, 11:16:33 am
I think these hormones have a lot to do with us girls trying to lose and keep off weight.

Sent from my SM-G986U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 15, 2020, 12:39:08 pm
Very nice avatar picture and wonderful smile today Maddie !!

Smilin' back at ya

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 15, 2020, 02:11:01 pm
Thank yous ❤️. Hugs back Juleee, Daveena, Wendee, Randee, Maddee, Cyndee
We are beautiful dolls all day

I am grateful to have friends here who will read what I wrote and post support.  I respect you more than I respect myself..because I know me lol
I didn't plan to spend the time working stuff out on forums, but here I am doing just that.

It's raining, just going to stay in the garden today.
Mintee
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Wendi on July 15, 2020, 04:30:48 pm


Thank yous . Hugs back Juleee, Daveena, Wendee, Randee, Maddee, Cyndee
We are beautiful dolls all day

I am grateful to have friends here who will read what I wrote and post support.  I respect you more than I respect myself..because I know me lol
I didn't plan to spend the time working stuff out on forums, but here I am doing just that.

It's raining, just going to stay in the garden today.
Mintee

I'm glad you're here working stuff out. We all get down now and then and positive encouragement is a must.

Hang in there girl.

Hugs

Sent from my SM-G986U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 20, 2020, 04:31:36 pm
Tomatoes still green...

Spent 3 days with 3 generations of women who have known me forever thru changes.  Plus connected men and pets.
According to them I now pass as an attractive woman.  Though supportive, they did not think that before this visit.

I have a new-to-me pre-owned cat now!    She is under the cot that is my couch. 
Cheeto is baffled, but enjoying the bag of food that came with her.

I've been putting applications for jobs out there, and today actually had an interview.  It was another weird mask thing.  He was 25 years old and 25 min late.  He filled in his worksheet of questions like a Friday  homework assignment and concluded abruptly with a brush-off.  I had no opportunity to express any questions about the position or demonstrate anything to do with the job.  He kept saying he was smiling beneath his mask.  Maybe I should have said that too.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: CynthiaAnn on July 20, 2020, 05:33:45 pm
Nice to spend time with the ladies....

And the new kitty, nice of you. It is nice to see Cheeto here (adorable).

Keep it up with the job search, hope you get some more nibbles, this last one was not to be Maddie.

Hugs

C
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 21, 2020, 09:28:25 am
Vines are creeping up on me.  They need support or can easily break in the wind.

New cat came out but hiding again since.

Just realized it's one year on HRT for me today.
I'm not in a good place and my weight is up.
I have support system of friends but its complicated.
My supports collapse when I display self respect.
Thought about dying all night and didn't sleep.
W T Flark is that?

I am grateful to be on a path forward with a surgery consult scheduled in Sept.
Grateful that my weight isn't worse, because it would be, if I wasn't running almost every day.
And grateful for new experiences.  Better lately than never.

I need something to hold me when the wind blows
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 21, 2020, 10:18:07 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
                  Wow-Whee !!!!
This exciting.. an important milestone for you... 
               
ONE YEAR HRT ... CONGRATULATIONS are in order for you.

I am also wishing you success in getting your surgery confirmed in September.

Thank you for sharing and posting.
Please continue to keep me and the rest of your followers updated as you feel comfortable doing.

HUGS and HUGS,
Danielle

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: randim on July 22, 2020, 12:40:59 pm
Hang in there Maddie. Don't let the down times get to you.  You have a plan you're working on and people pulling for you.  Hope everything goes smoothly with the surgery.

Oh, and don't ever hesitate to show self-respect.  A real friend would want nothing less.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on July 25, 2020, 09:11:06 pm
Hi Maddie, what is your per-owned cat's name?

I hope the you get the job :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 26, 2020, 01:26:06 am
Hi Maddie, what is your per-owned cat's name?

I hope the you get the job :)

Thanks!!

Her name is Maeve.  She is a 12 yr old Persian Ragdoll  :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 26, 2020, 01:33:34 am
Thanks everyone for the support  :)

The garden reports green beans!
Experimenting with ways to eat them.

It is prerequisite, for me,  to know I can be with a guy in order to go forward for the bottom surgery.
(https://i.imgur.com/MYdtqDB.jpg)
I like women but not enough to act like a man.
(https://i.imgur.com/K0pk6SZ.jpg)
Dysphotic about sexual congress.
(dysphotic, if it is a word, is how it feels.)
No previous desire for vagina...
This is changes.
(https://i.imgur.com/I9HnLP1.jpg)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 26, 2020, 01:36:01 am
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:

Look for a PM from me in a few minutes with the picture LINKS you are looking for.

Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 26, 2020, 02:14:45 am
Thank you hun!

@ Northern Star Girl
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on July 29, 2020, 04:00:59 pm
Hi Maddie, the pics loogk very good.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on July 31, 2020, 04:47:05 pm


Thinking about an experience I had a long time ago.

Someone came to me and I was a woman   I believed it was Jesus and that it meant that I I wouldn't have to live and die without ever being a woman.

The thought that it happened for me so that I wouldn't have to live and die without being a woman...
This thing sustained me through years of desperation. I ask myself: Is taking the steps I'm transitioning now somehow turning back against His mercy?

Last summer I was shown both ends of two rainbows at once. Don't know true meaning. But I pledged my transition to those rainbows. This feels like a new covenant.

Mix in the doubts I've always had that it was Jesus who knew me as woman (girl actually). That name is what I called Him. This was overall a spiritual experience which did more to my mind than body.

I've been strongly told that it couldn't have been the LORD Jesus Christ. If I don't believe 100%, then maybe I should not tell anyone.

Well definitely not my psych or surgeon anyway.

I'm putting it out here because I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Looking for messages





Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on July 31, 2020, 10:54:45 pm
@Maddie
Regarding what you stated in your comment:
I've been strongly told that it couldn't have been the LORD Jesus Christ. If I don't believe 100%, then maybe I should not tell anyone.
*****I don't care how "strongly that you were told by others that it couldn't have been the LORD Jesus Christ" that came to you ... it is your experience and not theirs and there is no scriptural backing for anyone to say that it wasn't Jesus. 
There are plenty of scriptures that testify to the fact that after his resurrection Jesus appeared to people and talked to them.
Jesus appeared to Peter in Luke 24:34,
two disciples in Luke 24:13-16,
to the disciples and especially Thomas John 20:19-24,
to seven disciples John 21,
to more than 500 people 1 Corinthians 15:6,
to James and all the Apostles 1 Corinthians 15:7,
and to Saul in Acts 9:3-5.
...He comes to us individually, and together with the Holy Spirit which dwells in us through our Baptism - draws us to the Father. This is in accordance with His prayer of unity - John:17:21 That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us.


****It is and was YOUR experience and your belief and no one else can know otherwise.  Take the experience with you and believe in it.... and "don't be afraid anymore."

Thank you for sharing your story.  I trust that it will build up your faith.
HUGS, and blessings to you.
Danielle


Thinking about an experience I had a long time ago.

Someone came to me and I was a woman   I believed it was Jesus and that it meant that I I wouldn't have to live and die without ever being a woman.

The thought that it happened for me so that I wouldn't have to live and die without being a woman...
This thing sustained me through years of desperation. I ask myself: Is taking the steps I'm transitioning now somehow turning back against His mercy?

Last summer I was shown both ends of two rainbows at once. Don't know true meaning. But I pledged my transition to those rainbows. This feels like a new covenant.

Mix in the doubts I've always had that it was Jesus who knew me as woman (girl actually). That name is what I called Him. This was overall a spiritual experience which did more to my mind than body.

I've been strongly told that it couldn't have been the LORD Jesus Christ. If I don't believe 100%, then maybe I should not tell anyone.

Well definitely not my psych or surgeon anyway.

I'm putting it out here because I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Looking for messages

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 02, 2020, 09:11:04 am
Thank you Danielle.  I am afraid to post my beliefs and experiences due to the reactions and ignoring silence I recieve for them.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 02, 2020, 09:20:42 am
Hi Maddie, the pics look very good.
Rachel thank you for all the support ever since you replied to my intro thread on this site.
Your story has helped me so much, especially your long running thread MTF in Need of Help.  Thank you for telling it like you do.
Even if we never met, I'll miss you.  If I  had control of life, we'd do beaches and movies, and stuff like meet guys together.  Glad you like the photos.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 02, 2020, 09:27:47 am
Thank you Danielle.  I am afraid to post my beliefs and experiences due to the reactions and ignirance I recieve for them.
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Don’t be afraid to share your experiences and thoughts... it is good therapy to write things out... a good way to work through issues and difficulties.

The thing that we all have to be careful with is that here on the Forums there are a vast array of members with various beliefs and sensitivities.  Also we have a diverse membership of
political, ethnic, spiritual, religious, very young minors, etc. ... so we all have to be aware of what we post so it is not offensive to any of those groups in our membership.

Keep on sharing and venting your feelings and sharing your thoughts.
As I mention many times in my reply comments around the forums... all of that is good personal therapy.
HUGS.
Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on August 05, 2020, 07:34:31 pm
Hi Maddie, I am off this week so give me a call.

Thanks for the compliment. I have some stuff going on and I do not want my thread linked. I may start a third thread and let the other two go for a while unlinked.

I will share an experience
I was asleep and my mother and father were standing in my bedroom doorway. My father was dead for 24 years and mother was dead for 4 years when I had the dream in 2015. I was going to fully transition and they asked me if I was going to take care of my then wife and our daughter. I said I would and they nodded and I awoke. Was that just a dream?

Was it my brain just processing my thoughts or was it some kind of spiritual thing. I do not know; however, I think of that time often. I will always take care of those two people the best I can. I am now the age my brother and father died. Life is shorter than we think, more complex and yet can be much simpler.

My nephew died from an OD recently. He said you really do not need much in life to get by. He struggled every day to be clean. He failed often but he continued the journey. He had the big book as he called it. There were four things that helped. His parents, his work, his meetings and the big book. Work became virtual as well as meetings and the struggle became too much. I like to think he is at peace and I hope he had found rest. I know the big book comforted him in his daily struggles. I do know he had strong faith and was a good person. Ponder that when you see a H addict on the sidewalk.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 06, 2020, 03:06:17 pm
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Sorry for the loss of your nephew. Rest in peace.
My life has been affected strongly by drugs alchohol overdoses and death. 
My heart hurts and I do ponder all the good inside the lost souls and wasted body shells.
I will call you.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 06, 2020, 05:16:56 pm
Cherry tomatoes are finally here!
🍅 🍅 🍅🍅🍅🍅 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 06, 2020, 05:26:20 pm
Cherry tomatoes are finally here!
🍅 🍅 🍅🍅🍅🍅 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅

@Maddie:
Dear Maddie:
Are you growing the bigger tomatoes too....   I am a tomato person, I usually load up my salads with them or just have a plate of sliced tomatoes with my favorite salad dressing...   of course when I grill hamburgers I need a big slice of tomato on it as well.

Pictures? "???

Danielle
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 06, 2020, 05:30:34 pm
My porch garden is very small. 
I have two "Super100" cherry tomato plants.  No larger tomatoes.
I put a photo as my avatar
 :)
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: JudiBlueEyes on August 06, 2020, 06:03:19 pm
They look tasty!  Enjoy!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on August 23, 2020, 01:24:23 pm

Thinking about an experience I had a long time ago.

Someone came to me and I was a woman   I believed it was Jesus and that it meant that I I wouldn't have to live and die without ever being a woman.

The thought that it happened for me so that I wouldn't have to live and die without being a woman...
This thing sustained me through years of desperation. I ask myself: Is taking the steps I'm transitioning now somehow turning back against His mercy?

Last summer I was shown both ends of two rainbows at once. Don't know true meaning. But I pledged my transition to those rainbows. This feels like a new covenant.

Mix in the doubts I've always had that it was Jesus who knew me as woman (girl actually). That name is what I called Him. This was overall a spiritual experience which did more to my mind than body.

I've been strongly told that it couldn't have been the LORD Jesus Christ. If I don't believe 100%, then maybe I should not tell anyone.

Well definitely not my psych or surgeon anyway.

I'm putting it out here because I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Looking for messages

You had an amazing experience unique to you.  It sounds like a kind of visionary or spiritual experience and I think you were very lucky to have it and for it to give you direction or affirmation!  But, other people may reject and deny it.  Our culture overall does not do well accepting this kind of experience.

The good news, however, is you see people here in this thread accepting your experience!

Whether it was Jesus or not is up to you.  It happened to you, not anyone else.  It was an experience, not something read in a book or watched on a screen.  You also determine if it is important that it was Jesus or not.  Try to listen just to your voice on this and not what other folks might want you to think or feel.  Don't worry about what you are "supposed" to think or feel.

That ^ is my personal take on it.

I've had two visionary, mystical experiences.  It is only recently that I have realized how lucky I was to have them.  I don't understand everything about them and I accept that.  Even the words I just used: "visionary, mystical" may not describe them well but they are all I have been able to come up with so far.

"I'm putting it out here because I don't want to be afraid anymore."  You've done it!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on August 25, 2020, 08:37:35 am
Hi Madeleine!

Sometimes I get the feeling I should share things.  This can upset people.
Whatever happened to me, it sustained me for a long phase of life where I could see no path to change.
I believe that I'm now operating under a new covenant and my pass is transition forward until further notice.

Let me know sometime if u figure out your experiences, would u please hunny girl?

My leaves are wilty and brown this week.  But not worried.
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: madeleine on August 27, 2020, 12:04:40 pm
Hi Madeleine!

Sometimes I get the feeling I should share things.  This can upset people.
Whatever happened to me, it sustained me for a long phase of life where I could see no path to change.
I believe that I'm now operating under a new covenant and my pass is transition forward until further notice.

Let me know sometime if u figure out your experiences, would u please hunny girl?

My leaves are wilty and brown this week.  But not worried.

I'd say it's probably a good idea to be selective about who to tell.  And I think I know what you mean about holding on until you can think about change, I did that (without really knowing) for decades.

Your leaves will come back strong and green in time!
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on September 17, 2020, 05:48:17 pm
Maddie, where have you been and how are you doing?? Any updates?
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 02, 2020, 02:58:29 pm
@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
You last 2 posts has made me very, very sad.. and words escape me regarding anything reply that I could offer to make things better for you.

My ❤️ heart hurts for you and your situation that you described.
Right now any job is better than no job... I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers ... I am trusting that things will improve for you.

I am almost never lost for words but I am very saddened about what is happening as you described.

I give you all my HUGS and well wishes.
Please continue posting your updates on your blog journal and other forums threads, but only as you feel comfortable sharing.

All of your followers including me are always your biggest fans and we wish you happiness and success in your life’s journey.

HUGS HUGS HUGS
Thinking of you always.
DANIELLE
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Maddie on October 02, 2020, 04:50:46 pm
Removed them because I think I had too.
Wanted to share but it all can and will be used against us.

Dont want anything coming for me from above

Never find more trouble than when you ask for help

Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 02, 2020, 04:55:33 pm
@Maddie

Please Hang in there...
...you will hopefully find help in the following LINK

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html

Danielle

Removed them because I think I had too.
Wanted to share but it all can and will be used against us.

Dont want anything coming for me from above

Never find more trouble than when you ask for help
Title: Re: Ms Maddie's Garden of Changes
Post by: Rachel on October 12, 2020, 09:43:35 pm
Hi Maddie,

I understand. I shared a lot on my blog and I think some people were turned off by what I shared. I had been doing some stuff lately (not the past 5 weeks as I have been in seclusion) that I will not share on Susan's because I feel it would be looked at by some as negative. Lets just say I am learning, lots of stuff. Some people have fantasies and I have live its. I have done some incredible things this summer.

I hope your summer was wonderful and you have an awesome Autumn.

I messed up in Portland Wednesday night and went off the straight and narrow. I am recovered now and rethinking my actions and motives. I wonder if every now and then I need a reminder I have a problem and need reminding. For me there is no half measure and I go to where I left off. Not my intent but the result.

Best,
Rachel