Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: ToniToday on January 25, 2020, 06:17:14 pm

Title: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on January 25, 2020, 06:17:14 pm
Hello,

I've only recently begun transitioning having come out to one of my best friends just after Christmas (and then my aunt and brother - it sort of just spilled out).  It's been a pretty rough time, but I have had some precious moments already.  I'm posting this as a celebration, if you will, and hope others might chime in from their own experiences.

So my extensive  ;D lists goes:

However, I have to add my first two bad experiences....  Dec 22-Dec 27 - my old life crashed and I accepted what I had put off for four decades (which is more of a yay/OMG moment); and, Jan 21 - had to call a help line...

Things I'm looking forward to:

So, how about you all?  Anything you'd like to celebrate?
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Sophiaprincess2019 on January 25, 2020, 06:36:14 pm
Toni, WELCOME to Susan's Place! Seems like you are off to a good start if you do ,in fact, decide to transition. There are quite a few of us here who waited 4 or 5 decades (5 in my case) to begin our journeys. I celebrate life daily. I never take one day for granted and I celebrate I'm FINALLY living life as the true me. It sounds like you recently made a similar discovery.

I'm also relatively new, just celebrated 11 months on HRT! I've been living full time since late last summer and I've never been happier in my entire life. It's been mostly good. Like you I've had my moments. I've definitely had more positive things happen to me during my transition than bad. Lately I've been trying to balance the good with the bad...or...have more good than bad.

Next stop for me is one year on HRT. I'm more than excited! I hope you find the fountain of youth as I did. Transition took off at least 20 years and I feel like I'm 30 again! Speaking of 30 again, in 10 short years I WILL be 30 again (for the second time!) I thank God everyday that HRT has worked it's magic on me!

Wishing you all the success in the world my dear friend!

All the best,

Sophia
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Alice Skye on January 25, 2020, 07:08:06 pm
TW suicide

First realised I was the wrong gender when I was 2-years-old
First time to wear makeup when I was 5-years-old
First time to wear heels when I was 10-year-old
First time to wear women's clothing when I was 15-years-old
First attempt at suicide 15-year-old
First time to tell anyone I was trans 24-years-old
First time to try and come out of the closet and seek help 24-years-old (bad experience)
First time someone directly called me out as trans August 2003
First time to tell someone in person that I had gender dysphoria August 2004 (my now wife)
First time to reach out for help online August 2018
First bad coming out experience was coming out to an old friend who basically ran off leaving me crying and shaking in the middle of town 14th September 2018
Told GP September 2018.
Went to my first transgender support group meeting 16th October 2018
First time to start self-medicating DHT blocker November 2018
First time to go out in public wearing women's clothes (albeit gender neutral looking) November 2018
Used the name Alice for the first time December 2018
First time to start wearing exclusively women's underwear 12th December 2019
First time to self medicate estrogen 17th March 2019
First Pride March 26th May 2019
First time to buy make up and women's clothing in the shops (as opposed to online) 6th July 2019
First time to go out in public in a dress and make up 3rd September 2019
First time to get my legs waxed 17th October 2019
First time to go to a pub in a dress 19th October 2019
First time to spend a full day in public as Alice 13th December 2019
First time to cross town in a dress 17th December 2019
First family member (not incl. wife) to come out to (sister) 6th January 2020
First time to have any beauty therapy - eyelashes curled and tinted 21st January 2020
First time to meet my Dad after he found out I am trans 22nd January 2020 (he avoided the issue)
First time to attend the funeral of a trans person who committed suicide 23rd January 2020 RIP

First job interview as Alice will be 6th February 2020 (unless something comes up before then)
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on January 25, 2020, 10:37:18 pm
I'm so sorry for writing this post....  I didn't mean you or anyone harm.  I'm not a therapist or guide or anything.

My dad's best friend committed suicide after a string of tragedies, the final one being the death of his 13 year old daughter.   He left a grieving wife, confused friends and family   and a huge hole in everyone's heart who knew him.  That sounds like I'm blaming or belittling him.  I'm not.  We all knew how hurt he was...  we just couldn't get to him in time.

Tuesday I found out how easy it is to come to that point.  It was suprisingly easy....  Someone was with me...  Two someone's, actually.   And, I'm going to thank them daily until they shake me unconscious for being so persistent...

I guess I've been a bit flippant because I'm happy to be alive.  I'm sorry for your loss.  The hole stays a hole.  Hopefully, it's only one or a small few in the tapestry.   I don't know how to say more...  just holes must be honored,  mourned, and respected.   But, there is still the tapestry.

My condolences and sincere apology for causing harm.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Alice Skye on January 26, 2020, 12:42:46 pm
no need to apologise. It is just very fresh in my mind that's all. I hope it is the last such funeral I ever have to attend because it was literally heart wrenching... and I wished that everyone could've attended and heard the eulogy from their 7-year-old daughter because hearing that made me instantly swear that I would never ever try to take my own life again. The devastation, heartbreak, and shear just being lost broke my heart into a million pieces. The funeral was attended by 200 people mostly men... and not one person had a dry eye. If you ever feel that way then reach out for help... pm me and I will talk all night with you if I have to and do my utmost best to find you additional help. No matter how scary life is and no matter how pointless you think it might be... know that there is a path through the darkness and I will hold your hand every step of the way if I have to. I never ever want to hear that amount of pain from a child again.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on February 14, 2020, 12:40:40 am
I made a promise not to hurt myself again and I couldn't keep it.  I couldn't keep it a week.  I don't know why it was all so overwhelming, but I couldn't face another day.  Everything felt so wrong and hopeless I just collapsed in a corner.

It has now been 16 days since I went in the hospital.  My wife separated from me in the behavior health ward.  I've only seen my kids twice in this time (and once was only while my wife allowed me home to pick up some clothes).  And, I can't sleep. 

However, my meds seem to be working.  The kids are happy to see and hear from me.  I've got a place to live.  And, I've met with one of my two therapists for this journey.

I've met so many LQBTQIA folks during this odyssey.  So many people helping others.  It's been the best side of humanity during my worst personal moment.

I don't know what happens next.  I have four close friends and my mom to come out to yet.  Plus the whole workplace.  But, I can hold my head up better.  I feel more confident.  I'm being my best.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Maddie on February 14, 2020, 08:11:25 am
Hi Toni.
Glad you're still around. And that you are able to express any positives through your pain.
You are sharing glimpses of beauty in the middle of a devastating storm in your life. Thank you.

With so much to do, stay alive, and centered enough to take on what you need.
A little at a time.  Slow road forward.  Refuse to let it push you too fast and overwhelm you again.
It can and will get better, though maybe not as wished or expected.
Please post back whenever you can.
Hugs
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: AllieSF on February 14, 2020, 03:45:14 pm
Maddie said what I was thinking much better than I could.  Just always remember that there really is someone around when you need them, online, doctor's offices, neighbors, friends, and those most important helplines.  List them all out on a piece of paper with contact information and remember where it is, with another copy someplace else.  We are here for you,

Allie
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on February 15, 2020, 07:44:54 pm
Thank you all for your support.

Yesterday, I asked my residential clinician if I could go shopping as most of my clothes were unavailable.  Incredibly, she said yes and took me to a local outlet mall.  I went in what few femme fashions I had (top and shoes) but was very anxious as I'd never been out in public during the day, only at night going to my support group.  She understood my apprehension and tried to convince me no one would care, they might not even notice as I'm in the Bay Area.

Sure enough, it was the most pleasant experience I've had in a long time.  At first I stood side by side with her.  But soon, I felt comfortable enough to linger and browse on my own.  I went to the Gap, found a gorgeous gathered neck tunic on sale, and was super happy to note all the dressing rooms were non-gendered.

I found another item, a beautiful abstract mishmash of colors skirt at Nordstorm's Rack, and again non-gendered dressing rooms.  Oh, what joy!

Today, my best friend brought me a long-awaited package of underwear I'd ordered online before my hospitalization.  Most items fit excellently and no item will I need to return.  I feel incredibly fortunate for the support of my friends and the staff at my step-down program.

Helping make dinner last night I realized how comfortable I felt for the first time in ages.  I felt great wearing my new clothes.  I had beautiful friends who believed in my journey.  I knew I was on the right path.  I don't know why I waited so long to acknowledge what was pretty obvious.  Woulda-shoulda-coulda...

I have my first meeting with my gender counselor in 11 days.
Title: Re: First Times - First Photo
Post by: ToniToday on February 16, 2020, 11:48:46 am
(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/0/70292-160220114509.jpeg)
This is the first photo I've ever felt comfortable posting  anywhere.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Maddie on February 17, 2020, 07:55:31 am
Glad you feeling comfortable. Toni

I can see her showing through.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on February 27, 2020, 11:42:03 am
I've gone two weeks en femme save for when I'm at home.  I've only been harrassed once and it a pathetic attempt at that.  I've come out to two work friends and it went ok...  Everything seems to be right.  No epiphany...  More like a working watch once a broken gear was replaced.

I'm worried though.  It took six weeks to get my appointment with the gender therapist and only 6 days to see the endocrinologist for HRT.  Am I ready?  Am I going too fast?
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: michjenn on February 27, 2020, 11:55:52 am
This past weekend was the first time I was with a guy as Jennifer. It was a very nice and comfortable experience.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Pammie on February 27, 2020, 01:30:52 pm
Thank you all for your support.

Yesterday, I asked my residential clinician if I could go shopping as most of my clothes were unavailable.  Incredibly, she said yes and took me to a local outlet mall.  I went in what few femme fashions I had (top and shoes) but was very anxious as I'd never been out in public during the day, only at night going to my support group.  She understood my apprehension and tried to convince me no one would care, they might not even notice as I'm in the Bay Area.

Sure enough, it was the most pleasant experience I've had in a long time.  At first I stood side by side with her.  But soon, I felt comfortable enough to linger and browse on my own.  I went to the Gap, found a gorgeous gathered neck tunic on sale, and was super happy to note all the dressing rooms were non-gendered.

I found another item, a beautiful abstract mishmash of colors skirt at Nordstorm's Rack, and again non-gendered dressing rooms.  Oh, what joy!

Today, my best friend brought me a long-awaited package of underwear I'd ordered online before my hospitalization.  Most items fit excellently and no item will I need to return.  I feel incredibly fortunate for the support of my friends and the staff at my step-down program.

Helping make dinner last night I realized how comfortable I felt for the first time in ages.  I felt great wearing my new clothes.  I had beautiful friends who believed in my journey.  I knew I was on the right path.  I don't know why I waited so long to acknowledge what was pretty obvious.  Woulda-shoulda-coulda...

I have my first meeting with my gender counselor in 11 days.
Congratulations! That all sounds so affirming! Go you! X


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Pammie on February 27, 2020, 01:38:56 pm
This past weekend was the first time I was with a guy as Jennifer. It was a very nice and comfortable experience.
If you don’t mind me asking what was the context? A date? X


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: michjenn on February 28, 2020, 05:33:57 am
Hi Pammie, yes it was a date. It was planned and the sex part just kinda happened, not complaining
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Maddie on February 28, 2020, 08:47:43 am
This past weekend was the first time I was with a guy as Jennifer. It was a very nice and comfortable experience.
:) Sounds happy
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Pammie on February 28, 2020, 09:31:22 am
Hi Pammie, yes it was a date. It was planned and the sex part just kinda happened, not complaining
Good for you! I’m sure ur not complaining!
Naughty girl! X


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on March 03, 2020, 03:23:03 pm
Ok, so I saw my endocrinologist today and started HRT.  I'm a little nervous as I still have to come out to my family, specifically to my kids.  Not sure what to expect...  hopefully, they will be supportive and have lots of questions :)
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Aoi_Nomel on March 04, 2020, 08:36:27 pm
Nice to meet you!

I'm Aoi, in my first year of transitioning. I haven't kept dates of my "Firsts", but I can say my first time being public was last week. I found a job were I'm not judged, so very happy about that  :D. I lucked out, where I'm at the doctors don't need a note from a therapist to start HRT, so I hope to be starting soon.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Maddie on March 04, 2020, 11:00:50 pm
Toni.  Congrats for taking the step of starting the HTT
Overall I like the feeling it is giving me, and I am noticing subtle changes.
Hope it goes well telling your family.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on March 04, 2020, 11:32:31 pm
Hello, Aoi!

That's excellent fortune.  I wish you continued successes!

-Toni
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ChrissyRyan on March 07, 2020, 01:36:13 pm
Nice to meet you!

I'm Aoi, in my first year of transitioning. I haven't kept dates of my "Firsts", but I can say my first time being public was last week. I found a job were I'm not judged, so very happy about that  :D. I lucked out, where I'm at the doctors don't need a note from a therapist to start HRT, so I hope to be starting soon.

Aoi,

That all sounds wonderful.   :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on March 07, 2020, 11:01:15 pm
Another first down: First Facial Laser Treatment Session - Friday, March 6, 2020....
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 06, 2020, 04:13:55 pm
Ok...  since the shelter in place I've had several firsts!

I've come out to my wife and kids...  contacted my district's HR... and bought my first necklace !

(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/1/70292-060420155325.jpeg)

I'm finally being myself and I feel pretty good...  Even stuck inside I am more a part of the world than I have been in 30 years....  I'm not going to be content just to pass through anymore.  ;)
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: AllieSF on April 06, 2020, 04:18:07 pm
Congratulations Toni!  I am so happy for you.  From the smile on your face it looks like it is going better than expected.  You also look as happy as your post too.

Allie
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 06, 2020, 05:54:08 pm
Thank you so much, Allie!  I'm not sure if it's HRT or finally being open, but I like being me...  it's such a different feeling.

Toni
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: AllieSF on April 06, 2020, 06:26:24 pm
Toni,

It is probably both.  When I came out was really the moment for me.  later it was when I finally went full time.  At that moment I felt totally free and unencumbered about the hiding and not being able to be myself.  Take your steps at your speed and enjoy each one.  Be ready for a few setbacks along the way.

Allie
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: madeleine on April 06, 2020, 09:21:27 pm
Hi Toni, did you do the art in your avatar?
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 07, 2020, 06:31:24 am
Hi,

No, I didn't.   I'm not that skilled. :P
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Maddie on April 07, 2020, 07:20:51 am
Happy for you Toni!
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: madeleine on April 07, 2020, 12:04:32 pm
Ok...  since the shelter in place I've had several firsts!

I've come out to my wife and kids...  contacted my district's HR... and bought my first necklace !

(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/1/70292-060420155325.jpeg)

I'm finally being myself and I feel pretty good...  Even stuck inside I am more a part of the world than I have been in 30 years....  I'm not going to be content just to pass through anymore.  ;)

Congrats on the firsts and and the coming out!  It sounds like you are not wasting time while sheltering in place.

Btw, I thought that the art in your avatar might be you, that is why I asked.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 09, 2020, 10:47:29 pm
Well, I wasn't expecting this.  A friend of mine's mother saw a photo of me modeling a necklace and thought I was a cis woman!  I don't see it, but many family and friends are commenting on a new softness in my face.

I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth!   :P

Anyway, it was a nice confidence boost....

Hope everyone is safe and finding some silver linings during shelter-in-place.

-Toni

P.S. I'm thinking of making Tessa my first name and Antonia my second...  any thoughts?
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Idontknowbutiwould on April 09, 2020, 11:06:36 pm
The first time I introduced myself to the entire world as a woman, I was 15 years old. I dyed my hair blonde (it was still almost short), I bought a push up, I bought clothes with my friends and I started going out with a shirt, skirt and heels. I spent a weekend with a 23-year-old boy (my best friend's ex-boyfriend), the breakup was because his parents didn't accept me. So I went to a crossdresser studio, became friends with the owner. She gave me a very realistic long red hair wig with bangs, she taught me how to put on makeup, she guided me in clothing, the importance of nails. I met another 20 year old boy, he was my boyfriend for 9 months (his parents thought I was a woman). At 16 I had surgery on my chest, I let my hair grow and I stopped wearing wigs or extensions and the rest is history
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 14, 2020, 02:16:43 pm
I just had my first passing moment !  An employee of Target called me Ms.  It's a small thing, but I've been in serious doubt mode about ever passing on any instance.  So, I'm over the moon at present !

-Toni
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Pammie on April 14, 2020, 03:07:26 pm
I just had my first passing moment !  An employee of Target called me Ms.  It's a small thing, but I've been in serious doubt mode about ever passing on any instance.  So, I'm over the moon at present !

-Toni
Yay! It’s such a wonderful experience isn’t it! Enjoy the first of very many wonderful moments! Xx


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 16, 2020, 09:40:23 pm
And now I'm back to earth...  My wife is refusing to look at me.  We're separated but living in the same house sharing parenting duties.  When I talk with her now (she seems to go back and forth), she turns her head away from me.  I knew I should expect it, but it hurts nonetheless...
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: JanePlain on April 16, 2020, 10:39:41 pm
Ok...  since the shelter in place I've had several firsts!

I've come out to my wife and kids...  contacted my district's HR... and bought my first necklace !

(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/1/70292-060420155325.jpeg)

I'm finally being myself and I feel pretty good...  Even stuck inside I am more a part of the world than I have been in 30 years....  I'm not going to be content just to pass through anymore.  ;)

Cute photo!  Looks like your transistion is going great.  Glad (And not surprised) HRT made improvments.  Its my belief that we have female "wired" brains and when we go on HRT its takes away the "abnormal" feeling that something is just not right.  So much is said about physical changes and thats all great and all but depression for example seems to hit so many people pre HRT and its seems so often to lesson the problem post HRT.  Anyway enjoy the ride.  Some of it seems to become the new normal that we can't enjoy it as much as we proabably should.  Like seeing colors brighter.  Sense of smell improving and other odd stuff that maybe is only me.  Anyway I'm SO glad you made it this far.  Sorry about your wife - thats always one thing I wish I had some sort of magic pill that would help others with.  If she does start talking to you just remind her that you are still YOU.  That she married that person and this doesn't change you into someone else.  And if she doesn't know much about it tell her it IS medical.  Its not a mental illness.  Not dealing with it can certanly drive you crazy but the treatment your on is to correct a medical condition.  Try telling her the releif this is giving you.  Maybe once she understands that she will loose some of the fear / anger etc that she is going through?  - hugs --- Jane.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 17, 2020, 11:46:22 pm
Thank you, Jane!

I've been worried that I've moved too fast.  I don't ever want to go back, ever.  This feels too right and comfortable to be wrong.  But, given the circumstances, I wonder if I should slow down or stop until things get more stable. 

My wife finds herself unable to eat at the same table...  We have to take turns sitting with the kids.  One of my best friends can't see me as a woman, even though she knew before I did.  And, I just had an argument with her in which she called me self-indulgent.  That hurt, probably because she might be right.  So, my week is ending a bit down.

I haven't had many physical changes so far.  The few changes center on smell.  My odors have changed and I smell things better, more deeply and from a greater distance.  A few friends say my face has changed and my lips appear redder.  I think that is more a factor of their understanding than reality.   :)

-Toni

PS I really love your photo



Title: Re: First Times
Post by: madeleine on April 18, 2020, 01:58:47 pm
Toni, are you worried you are moving too fast because of how you feel about yourself?  Or because of other people's feelings?
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 18, 2020, 02:20:22 pm
I think more about those I live with, that are close to me.   Last night i tossed and turned or this.  I'm divided between wanting it all now and not wanting to put pressure on those in my life.

I know I can't stop now....  I feel too right to stop.  I just can't reconcile that part of my brain with the other part not wanting to hurt people more.

-Toni
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: madeleine on April 18, 2020, 02:36:12 pm
It's really hard with kids and spouses.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Maddie on April 20, 2020, 08:08:03 am
Clarity shine through your clouds Toni.
May you never exclude yourself from your consideration.
May you find yours reciprocated.
The awareness you have of your situation right now is precious. 
Please do not jettison it as long as there is any way to continue moving on your path.
Sorry to read how others are responding right now.
Things can change many ways, not all of them negative.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 21, 2020, 07:58:18 pm
well, two firsts today...  I bought my first swimsuit and skirt.  Nothing like retail therapy...  Actually, I feel pretty confident in this skirt.  I don't know why....
(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/1/70292-210420200041.jpeg)
(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/1/70292-210420200241.jpeg)
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: AllieSF on April 21, 2020, 09:12:43 pm
Looking good! Thanks for sharing.

Allie
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on April 27, 2020, 08:56:15 pm
So, I finally told my mom...  And...  It went well! :)  I first had to explain that being transgender wasn't related to sexual orientation (she still seemed confused, so I offered Kate Bornstein's Gender Outlaws and My New Gender Workbook as must reads).

She wanted to know why I didn't come to her first, which was very hard for me to explain as I'm not 100% sure why I didn't.  I wanted to do it in person, but COVID19 has prevented that.  But, that's not all of it....  I wanted to get it right, I guess.  Make sure I didn't hurt her.  Anyways, it went well and she gave me her love and support.

I feel very blessed.  Coming out to my brother and my mother were the talks I feared the most.  Not everyone is as lucky as I have been with the support from their family.  For that I am truly saddened and hope you find support here and amongst friends.

Thank you all on Susan's Place (and my support group at the San Mateo Pride Center!) for your continued honesty and empathy.

-Tessa Antonia (I've settled on a name :))
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: JanePlain on May 04, 2020, 03:20:32 pm
well, two firsts today...  I bought my first swimsuit and skirt.  Nothing like retail therapy...  Actually, I feel pretty confident in this skirt.  I don't know why....
(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/1/70292-210420200041.jpeg)
(http://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/1/70292-210420200241.jpeg)

You should.  It looks nice on you!
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Maddie on May 14, 2020, 09:24:51 am
I like your choice of name Tessa Antonia :) ;)
Hope things continue to go well with your mom.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: graspthesanity on May 15, 2020, 10:10:23 am
I read through your journey so far and I wish you all the best!

Lovely lovely photos and name:)
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on May 24, 2020, 12:22:12 am
It's been awhile since I've posted....  I'm finding it hard to write but I haven't physically seen my kids in two weeks.  My wife broke shelter in place and took the kids to a colleague's home on Mother's Day.  She didn't say she was spending the night until just before she left.  And, on Monday, I found out why....  She filed for immediate custody of the kids and an order to expel me from our home because I "inappropriately" started transitioning.

Um...  I still don't know what to say or how to react to that.

Fortunately, I was able to legally respond to her claim and it is now with the courts to decide.  It's still been two weeks, though.  My daughter says they are coming back tomorrow.  I pray that is true.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on May 26, 2020, 11:21:31 pm
They're BACK!!!!

My wife unexpectedly returned home on Saturday with the kids.  I found out why today.  The court denied her petition.  Being transgender wasn't a valid reason to take my kids away!  YAY, San Francisco Bay Area Courts!
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Ellie_Arroway on May 27, 2020, 04:46:55 am
They're BACK!!!!

My wife unexpectedly returned home on Saturday with the kids.  I found out why today.  The court denied her petition.  Being transgender wasn't a valid reason to take my kids away!  YAY, San Francisco Bay Area Courts!

That's great news! And the court is right.

I hope your relationship with your wife improves. - E
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: JanePlain on May 28, 2020, 07:35:13 pm
They're BACK!!!!

My wife unexpectedly returned home on Saturday with the kids.  I found out why today.  The court denied her petition.  Being transgender wasn't a valid reason to take my kids away!  YAY, San Francisco Bay Area Courts!

Yikes... My heart broke hearing about your wife and kids and court.....  Anyway SANITY from the Courts?!?  That has to be a relief.  Its maybe wishful thinking (I do that a lot) but is it possible your wife's problem is a serious lack of information about trans people?  Knowing its not considered a mental illness (Even it dealing with it can make us crazy!) that its medical and not some fetish.  That it doesn't mean your gay (unless you are which is ok) and its not because of anything she did? I don't know how you feel about her after this but maybe knowing more and knowing its not you rejecting her or whatever else she fears would make this better?  Is there any chance she would talk about it with you or even just study the trans condition (Or join the forum and ask questions? I know there are other wives of mtf folks here)

I want to add that you look so happy in your pix.  If there is any doubt your on the right track I would certainly consider that. Anyway I wish I could send some positive vibes or help in some way. 

Anyway Keep on keeping it on... or how does that go!  People tell me Keep keeping it weird but... thats just me.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Rachel on May 30, 2020, 04:57:05 pm
Hi,

I am glad to read your children are back. I am wondering how you and your wife are getting along? Do you feel as though your marriage is going to survive?

Best,
Rachel
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on May 30, 2020, 06:15:23 pm
Hi, Rachel,

I'm afraid not.  She filed for divorce the same day she left with kids and hasn't looked back.  If anything   losing the petition has made her more vocal and callous.

The kids keep telling me my transitioning hasn't be an issue but the divorce is....

I often feel like a failure.  Only the happiness I feel waking up with the freedom of being me finally and having my kids stay by me makes me functional.

-Tessa
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: JanePlain on June 01, 2020, 02:00:25 am
Divorce sucks.  I was lucky having some friends that kept me from getting too low.  And I have a sense of humor so when I called the suicide hotline and got a recorded message it seemed pretty funny.  Sort of like calling 911 and having someone answer and tell you "aahhh no.  This is 912.  I think I saw that on the Simpsons.  Anyway "if" there is anything you can do to make you laugh I found that to be a huge help. Give the kids a hug (And yourself too!)
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Maddie on June 02, 2020, 02:03:04 pm
Glad for you that you have your kids Toni.
Sad for her.  Even though she left, and filed...
Changes are going to keep coming at you and your family.
Please continue to wake up and function.
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on June 02, 2020, 03:44:55 pm
Thank you, Maddie...

I just had a positive conversation with my wife regarding visitation and housing.  While she still wants to pursue the divorce, at least we have some common ground for the kids and keeping them in their home.

I am looking forward to making a new home for myself as I haven't had a place of my own since a single semester in college.  But, so much is going away....  It's a bitter sweet process.  I'm both excited and frightened to be on my own, especially in these times of conflict and isolation.  I hope I'm able to meet people both for friendship and companionship.

i don't know if I can trust my feelings anymore to tell you the truth.

-Tessa Antonia
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: Rachel on June 02, 2020, 07:21:59 pm
Hi Tessa,

You may want to write down the living arrangement and have it notarized. This way later it will be an agreement and not seen or accused of abandonment. When you leave the house you may be giving up your rights to the house and it may be seen as abandoning the family. You may want to provide an agreement for support for the children in your absence and well as visitation. Again have it notarized.  This way you have agreements prior to divorce. Maybe it can be used as submissions as admirable agreements to the judge for settlement consideration. May be used to start the clock on alimony.

Perhaps that is the reason for the return to the house. I do not know this but I have lost most of my faith in people under stress and duress.

RAchel

Rachel
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ChelseaAnn on June 07, 2020, 09:17:41 am
They're BACK!!!!

My wife unexpectedly returned home on Saturday with the kids.  I found out why today.  The court denied her petition.  Being transgender wasn't a valid reason to take my kids away!  YAY, San Francisco Bay Area Courts!
She tried that in San Francisco of all places? Uh..... i guess she didn't realize?
Anyway, keep fighting. My wife and i just separated last weekend, but things have been civil and I hope they stay that way.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: First Times
Post by: JanePlain on June 08, 2020, 01:22:08 pm
She tried that in San Francisco of all places? Uh..... i guess she didn't realize?
Anyway, keep fighting. My wife and i just separated last weekend, but things have been civil and I hope they stay that way.

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Uh... I'm so sorry to hear that.  At least she is being civil.  I had all of you on my mind and watched some youtube videos of couples married then one of them transitions. One that confused me until I watched it over again was the wife of a mtf partner who said she was coming out herself at the same time. I thought she meant she was going to transition ftm then I understood she was coming out as a gay woman. Which she said worked out perfectly. Anyway the thing she said that got my attention was that her spouse appealed to her when other men just didn't do anything for her and she said it was the feminine aspects she somehow picked up on.  To which I believe to some extent all of the wives of the mtf people would probably have to agree was radiating but not spoken about in many cases out of fear or just repressing it thinking they could ignore it or hope it went away. My wife said from the start not to expect her to be the Susie homemaker. When she said that I wasn't thinking about my issues I just thought that it was another girlfriend who didn't cook or clean and wondered how it was I kept finding them. Now I wonder if the reverse thing is true? Do you think mtf people gravitate to women with a more masculine energy? No matter how much Estrogen I'm on men still don't do anything for me so I guess I understand why so many marriages don't survive transition.  Its just so sad when there are kids involved and they get stuck in the middle (With some couples)

I think the one issue brought up the most was not so much the transition because more then a few wives have been helpful but not being able to take the stigma of everyone assuming they were gay to start with. Sure we deal with transphobia but there is still so many people who won't or can't accept gay people or as I said the cases where they just aren't attracted to the person they married after transition. I wish there was some kind of solution. Wouldn't it be great if this wasn't such a huge can of worms?
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ToniToday on June 08, 2020, 08:09:36 pm
Hi, ChelseaAnn,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are also separating.  It is excellent fortune to be able to maintain civility.  Hopefully, we might return to that state of respect.  Personally, I think my wife is embarrassed by my transition which is why she is taking a more strident position.  She has been concerned with how her family and friends would find her actions and tastes to their liking in the past.  So, maybe this is just an extreme example of that tendency. 

In any case, I think I'm paraphrasing a Russian author who once said that all happy families are happy in the same way and all troubled households are uniquely dysfunctional.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and sympathies with me....

-Tessa Antonia
Title: Re: First Times
Post by: ChelseaAnn on June 08, 2020, 08:14:11 pm
Toni,

My in-laws were all about appearances as well. I think some of that passed down to my wife (ex wife, I'm not sure what to call her because we aren't divorced yet). She was open minded unlike her parents, but she never wanted to appear in need (we went through rough financial times), messy (we did a lot of vloset hiding before parties), etc etc.

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